Saying ‘No’ to Intellectual and Emotional Abuse is True Self Care – A Personal Story

I have been learning about true self-care over the last 10 years and from putting simple self-care techniques into practice I have enjoyed my life, myself and my body more and more over those years. However, I recently realized that I had been overlooking an area of my life where I have not been truly caring for myself.

In the last 2 years, myself, close friends and colleagues have all been targets of cyber-bullying that seems somehow to be an acceptable form of expression in our technologically advanced world, under the banner of ‘Freedom of Speech’. However, what disturbed me more than the actual cyber-bullying, was my lack of outrage and motivation to stop this intellectual and emotional abuse to which we were being subjected.

In asking myself why I didn’t react with outrage, I realised one of the reasons was that I had normalized this type of intellectual and emotional abuse from when I was young.

It is really disturbing to find how common bullying via the internet is affecting people both personally and professionally. Cyber-bullying is another obvious abuse and since I have been the target of this abuse I have done my own mini research into where abuse starts.

I cringe at the way my siblings and I used to talk to each other in fights over the most insignificant things. We would literally sneer at each other, sling nasty names at each other and try and verbally hurt each other from our own reactions and hurt. We all used to walk away from these interactions emotionally bruised and we just hardened in our bodies to cope.

We are all born naturally sensitive, gentle and tender and none of us start off name slinging and criticizing when we are toddlers. Many children lose touch with this natural gentle tenderness as they get older. It seems like adults and parents accept as normal the competition, fighting and name calling that often goes on between siblings as they grow up. Kids do this in reaction to hurts they are not aware they have and in their hurt they lash out at others. This really is a form of abuse and it often starts at home when we are really young.

Years later I learnt that burying these hurts caused more emotional harm than a physical punch to the body.

I remember the occasional times when my brother punched me there was the obvious bruise so I could not dismiss the hurt – it would heal and I would accept that – after my initial reaction – and let the incident go. In hindsight I would have far preferred my sibling punched me rather than the deeper emotional hurt that I would bury and hold onto for years.

In my 30 years of working as a health professional I have learnt from thousands of clients that it is precisely these emotional hurts that are far more damaging than the physical ones.When they tell me about childhood emotional traumas – it can be 30, 40 or 50 years ago –they still cry as they retell these moments from when they were little.

As they talk about these events I have observed how old tension patterns in the layers of their soft tissue let go and soften. The body areas affected by this old tension become more fluid and flexible.

When do we numb ourselves from this type of hurt and virtually say to ourselves and others that this form of intellectual and emotional abuse is OK? This got me thinking; do we consider that in a fit of frustration, rolling our eyes and criticising our friends, family or colleagues could be labelled as abuse too – and that we have accepted it as part of ‘normal’ living?

Over the last 10 to 15 years I have changed the way I live: I am less driven and critical of myself, I appreciate and care for myself more and now I enjoy my life, myself and my body more and more. The simple truths that were shared all made sense to me. These truths were for example:

• that we are all sensitive and feel things all the time – such as the moods others are in or what is behind their reactions to us, and
• that we are all in essence love – equally so, however we often don’t live from that essence but from our protections and emotional patterns.

I have listened to my body over the years by feeling how it responds to how I live in it, which has helped me to reconnect to this more natural, gentle way of living. I have learned how and why I do things, from observing myself and others in a detached and curious way. This has helped me understand old patterns of abusive behavior I had towards myself, for example, pushing myself to finish 30 laps of swimming when my body was feeling content at 20 laps. I have learned to appreciate that my body always gives me true messages about how I treat it.

As I have returned to being more naturally gentle and self-caring, I have started to say No to any emotional abuse – in the way I am with others and the way they are with me.

I can feel how self-loving it is to say no to a sarcastic or critical comment, as when I do I feel my body relax and the pockets of tension in my soft tissue release and unwind.

This has supported me to enjoy and respect myself and others again and to be able to say No to intellectual and emotional abuse. It has been a gradual and ongoing process and I am learning as I go how truly caring and loving this is for myself and others too.

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639 Comments

Suzanne Anderssen says:October 12, 2015 at 7:34 am

What an insightful and healing blog. For people to begin to see there is more to abuse than what is obvious, is very important. Abuse comes in all shapes and sizes and to keep moving closer and closer toward true harmony, and away from abuse is a beautiful thing.

I agree Suzanne, it does come in all shapes and sizes, we have so easily covered the hard squares up with circles to try and avoid the true nature of the abuse as to not deal with it. As we begin to see the shapes for what they truly are it becomes clear what is love and what is not.

I love what you write here Kim – we have covered up the hard squares with circles. That is so spot on – we do this across many aspects of our lives. And it keeps just ‘covering things up’ and not ever truly look at the shapes for what they are.

This is brilliant Kim ‘we have so easily covered the hard squares up with circles’ except that process is one that in truth isn’t so easy, for when we stop seeing the shapes for how they are we live with the knowledge of the truth in the back of our minds, but to keep them there we have to work hard. We know the truth, we just don’t want to know the truth, it takes a lot effort to ignore the very thing that is all around us.

An exhausting exercise it is to negate the truth we deeply know and to reconvert it to something palatable or picturesque – these images cannot maintain themselves and never last, requiring more and more persistent investment…and all the while taking us further and further from the Truth.

I agree Deborah, that it is exhausting to pretend that everything is ok, that we don’t notice or feel the abuse we receive or deliver. It takes a lot of work to cover up this fact from ourselves, which our body so clearly feels.

Jade Jamieson says:March 8, 2016 at 7:03 am

So powerful what everyone has shared and in it I recognise many behaviours I and so many exhibit when dealing with abuse – covering it up, yet really knowing the truth that it is abuse and all the while being like a duck above water (seemingly still) yet underneath madly moving their legs just to stay afloat! It is crazy we can continue to live and lie to ourselves in this way. This is why I am enjoying peeling back the layers, removing the circles and exposing the hard squares and feeling the tenderness underneath, it is not always pretty but it is becoming more honest by the day and in it I know I am being more genuinely myself.

Yes Deborah the good old fashion investments that we have on how we should be and they way we live our lives according to ideas and beliefs. I have found the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine has been supportive in making inroads in how I communicate and share my life with my family. I no longer feel that I need to shut down and protect myself to fit in. Allowing my guard to come down has shown others that this is okay and that we are all the same one way or another.

Doug Valentine says:October 15, 2015 at 4:40 am

Such a great point Suzanne. Lately I have been surprised to discover how easy it is to be abusive without me even being aware that I am. Once you eliminate the big obvious abuses there appears to be another layer that are unseen and almost unnoticed. That little joke but at someone’s expense. That moment’s sarcasm, that previously I would not have even dreamed were abusive to anyone. There is always more to learn, deeper to go.

Doug,I sometimes don’t speak up to avoid confrontation with the people I live with., and I can feel my body harden because of it. That is not love, so it must be self abuse, and reading Anonymous’s blog makes that clear.

I agree Catherine. Reading this blog I could feel how self abuse can play in many ways including holding back expressing what needs to be expressed or allow negative self critical thoughts come in. Both of these result in me hardening my body.

This is huge Catherine. A friend once said to me that when we do anything for our children that they are able to do for themselves then that is abuse. It made me realise that abuse is anything that is not love.

Heidi, when said like that it shows us how much we have accepted abuse and in doing so have not wanted to see how much it exists. If we don’t consider something abuse, it is so much easier to accept it or even ignore it.

Josephine Bell says:November 12, 2015 at 2:47 am

A great point Heidi, and one that serves to highlight the fact that we have normalised it to live our lives with very little love. That’s why it is healing to have a blog like this which allows us to contemplate the layers of abuse we have allowed in our lives and under what guises.

Samantha England says:December 22, 2015 at 5:13 pm

Wow thats a cracker Heidi, and one that can be used in the health sector, I have often seen situations where a patient can do something for themselves but to save time the health care assistant will do it for them, in the end this is just taking away their independence.

Jade Jamieson says:March 8, 2016 at 7:06 am

Really powerful to read what you have all expressed here and to see the depth to which we allow abuse into our lives. I can really feel the more honest we become the more we can see and really call out the layers of abuse we have allowed into our lives. Definitely reveals there is more to explore here.

Great sharing from a friend Heidi and a wonderful marker how we can all get caught up in the ideas and beliefs that we are being great parents when we do no encourage our children to commit to life and bring all they have to offer from a young age that in turn will be the core of their foundation and how they are in life as an adult.

Jo Swinton says:November 14, 2015 at 6:46 am

It’s true Catherine, when we don’t speak up and express how we are feeling, there has to be an effect on the body as we are holding back our expression and hardening is the ‘go to’ for holding back! And yes, this in turn is self abuse, it is literally hard on the body. What we can develop is our expression and also our ability to understand if someone has a reaction to what we have said, rather than also hardening to that! There is a lot to surrender to, but calling out the abuse is such a great start.

Hi Catherine, that is such a powerful realisation, I have found it is abuse to not say what you are truly feeling. Our body shows us it is – as you say by hardening – its like we are beating our selves up – literally.
A very wise practitioner said to me – if it is not love then it is abuse.
with Love,
Anonymous

That is so beautifully expressed Doug & Suzanne. I have noticed this too, it doesn’t matter how much more loving I think I have become, there is always a deeper level of love just waiting to unfold. And as the level of love with which I choose to live deepens a lot of what was okay before simply does not cut it any more. We are forever called to move closer and closer toward true harmony.

I have felt the same Golnaz. Just when I felt that the levels of love you have for yourself and others have been reached an incredible level of depth. There awaits another opportunity to go even deeper.

I love that too nb. The next opportunity is there with every step we take.

Fiona Lotherington says:October 31, 2015 at 5:54 am

We forever have a marker in our bodies of the love and harmony we all know within us, and this keeps pulling us to let go of any abuse. Although we may engage in conflict with others, we don’t like it because we know there isn’t an ounce of our true selves that would behave like this.

True Fiona, and the more love we have in our bodies and the more harmonious our lives become, the more we feel the ill of conflict and abuse. And I absolutely agree, we know there isn’t an ounce of our true selves in this conflict and abuse, and the key for me is recognising this and being able to bring myself back, to me.

Just what I was thinking Doug. I’m beginning to catch myself saying many throw away comments that are often masked as a joke. My intention is never to hurt or abuse anyone, but the fact is, I can be as sarcastic as the sky is blue, and I’m starting to appreciate that there is no love in that.

It’s great to begin discerning the abuse that occurs in all areas of our lives – both on the giving and the receiving end – and not with judgement but simply to become more honest and aware. As you say Doug, the obvious abuse can sometimes appear as though that is the only abuse, but there are definitely lots of layers underneath that, many of which are not so obvious (or at least that we sometimes don’t want to be honest about!).

I am not sure really how many of us allow ourselves to see the extent of the abuse that abounds in society. It is rife in all walks of life but we have made it normal and so don’t see it for what it is. It is only when we choose see the rot for what it is are we motivated to make changes but we need to to this as a whole for real, lasting harmony.

It is interesting that we are prepared to allow abuse to barge through our doors, a wonder what is it that we get from allowing abuse? Easy to say someone is abusive but not so easy sometimes to admit we have said yes to it. Until we understand why we are always open to abuse in some form or another.

A great point Caroline, it is not always so easy to admit we have said yes to abuse, however subtle this may be, like loosing our connection with self when talking to another person. It is important to understand, ‘why we are always open to abuse in some form or another.’

Jonathan Stewart says:October 22, 2015 at 4:03 pm

This is a great point you make Caroline. Because when we understand and acknowledge how we allow the abuse in, it is then when can say no to it with authority, conviction and from truth.

mary sanford says:October 23, 2015 at 5:05 am

You raise a great question Caroline
“what is it that we get from allowing abuse? ”
Since coming across the presentations of Serge Benhayon I have discovered the word self-worth. For me personally I feel if we have self-worth issues then we are far more likely to accept abuse because we place such a low value on ourselves. I have personal experience of this; I came to an understanding that I took far too much notice of those people who devalued me, what if what they said wasn’t true? With the understanding and support of Universal Medicine I came to an understanding that I used the abuse to keep myself small, not to be noticed because it was comfortable to live life under the radar or so I thought. Actually now I have grown in confidence I wonder why it was I was playing such a silly game that was actually hurting me.

Jeannette Goldberg says:October 29, 2015 at 6:28 am

Very interesting point Caroline. For me from a simple perspective – as a child I was the recipient of years of emotional and psychological abuse and no-one ever told me I didn’t have to take it. No-one told me I could say no, so I just didn’t know I could. It was really not until I was in my late 30’s that I had finally had enough of it and I walked away from the next round of abuse I had been allowing. And so began the unravelling of why I and allowed abuse and to stop that pattern.

Hannah Morden says:October 30, 2015 at 6:00 am

A very good question to consider Caroline – why do we so easily allow abuse into our lives? And yes I was one to do this and not want to see that it was a comfortable choice for me to allow abuse – because it confirmed my lack of self worth. Ouch it hurts to admit that but at the same time admitting that has been the only thing that has pulled me out of it.

Jo Swinton says:November 14, 2015 at 6:51 am

I agree Caroline, we do have to admit and understand why we are allowing abuse in our lives and address it from within ourselves. It’s been quite an extraordinary process for me.

Elodie Darwish says:February 14, 2016 at 5:20 am

So true Caroline – we say yes to it! That’s the bottom line. Society likes to victimise people who have suffered abuse, but not offer any responsibility or power to the person who is being abused, as they themselves are the ones abusing themselves the most. We are all guilty of accepting abuse and dishing it out.

Fiona Lotherington says:October 31, 2015 at 5:58 am

I am starting to see what masters we are of filtering what we will become aware of. I sometimes say “I didn’t know”, but when it is pointed out to me, I did know, I just hadn’t let myself be aware of what I had felt. Our bodies are constantly feeling what is going on, so I am now working on staying tuned in to what it feels and also become aware of the clever distractions I use to not feel. I didn’t feel I had permission to feel as a child, but now it is time to give myself that permission.

Interesting that you use the term ‘all walks of life’ here Michelle McWalters because they way we move and walk can literally be unloving and therefore abusive in itself. The lovelessness pervades almost every area of our lives for we have chosen it and therefore perpetuate it in our own actions. You are right, we do not really allow ourselves to see the extent that this is so.

It requires a choice to be made, and a constant choice at that. There is so much of human life around us reflecting aggression: media, advertisements, movies, television entertainment, and that bastion of vileness- social media. In fact there is so much that aggression seems to be the normal way for a person to be – “so what!” we might say. “What’s the big deal? Get over it”
Well we all have a problem if we are all “getting over something” or so inured to the pain that we don’t even notice it anymore, or even worse notice that there is and always was, a choice to be made.

Thank you Rachel for this beautiful and simple truth. It is all about our choices. Maybe we choose to be abused so that we have a hurt to keep us in the spin of having an issue rather than just choosing to be the love that we are and be that true reflection for everyone.I’m feeling more and more the freedom of the realisation that no one has really hurt me , I have hurt myself from not being the love I really am.

‘I’m feeling more and more the freedom of the realisation that no one has really hurt me , I have hurt myself from not being the love I really am.’ And that is how I continue to hurt myself when I turn away from being love – staying open and allowing ourselves to be love is the way.

Thats for sure Suzanne, there definitely is more to it than what is obvious. I have a teenage daughter and am amazed at the depth and impact that cyber abuse is having. At first I thought it wa simple, to just turn it off, but this is not the case. This is a big issue.

Heidi we are all exposed to intense level of abuse on-line and or the young and old cyber abuse is a huge problem. If you’re a parent it is equally painful if your child is a victim or if you discover that they are cyber abusing others as happened to someone I know. It took a great deal of time and commitment with her child, school and peer group to raise awareness of the true harm being caused. People are so de-sensitised now and abuse of all kinds becoming normal. Recently my laptop became corrupted, it was intensly frustrating to be inundated with scam emails and relentless pop up ads that completely invaded my privacy and screen space. I’ve since had my laptop serviced with adblocks installed and can work in relative peace once more. It is sad to know that there are people out there without any regard for themselves or others and intent on causing harm, and distress to others.

I agree Heidi. The interesting thing is that this level of cyber abuse has been created by a man who could not abide by his wife saying no to intellectual and emotional abuse. It takes a lot of effort to deal with this abuse as in many cases the abuser will do a lot to continue abusing and it takes a lot of courage to say no to the abuse consistently.

Suzanne it is so true that abuse comes in all shapes and sizes, as we become clear in seeking out abuse,,we become better equipped to make more loving choices. The more we connect to these loving choices then the abuse begins to disappears and replace with a true loving foundation.

“As I have returned to being more naturally gentle and self-caring, I have started to say No to any emotional abuse – in the way I am with others and the way they are with me”.
Great blog anonymous; as I was reflecting on what you expressed I realised what forms of abuse I have allowed from others and indeed what abuse I have perpetrated. Whilst this is so much less now it is amazing what can sneak in or held back!

Away from any form of abuse is indeed beautiful. I agree with you Suzanne this blog is very insightful and healing.
I am reminded of a saying “behaviour unchallenged is behaviour encouraged”; behaviour towards ourselves and others!

Hi Anonymous, Yes it is shocking that we have such abuse on the internet such as cyber-bullying and anonymous hate messages. My feeling is that because we allow the ‘intellectual abuse and emotional abuse of name calling, threatening and arguing in our close relationships with family and friends, we allow to go one step further on the internet to what it is today and hence the horrible reality we have. Addressing cyber abuse means also addressing the way in which we are in every way with each other, thank you for sharing your experience and how harmful words can really be.

Yes, so very true Harrison, and we have become so used to it that we demean what words can do to us, casting them off as only ‘words’ and one should not be so sensitive about them all the while we all know how hurtful words can be.

Esther I see first hand what these words and actions do to children in school. They are brutal with one another and the hurts are incredibly painful. The ones that mete out the abuse are just as hurt as those they target and until we step in and show them a different way nothing will change but can only escalate.

Well said Michelle, those who hand out the abuse are just as hurt as those on the receiving end of it. We have to support young people to break the cycle and in order to do that we have to walk the talk.

Agree Lucy, only way to break this cycle is to lead by example. To do this we first need to be very honest and open with how much abuse we have allowed into our lives and why. So easy to blame another and see another as abusive yet we are all part of the same cycle and have contributed either directly or indirectly by not speaking up.

Heidi Crowder says:October 22, 2015 at 8:18 pm

Agreed Lucy and this is something that we need to remember as often this gets missed.

Lee Green says:October 26, 2015 at 5:42 am

Hear Hear Lucy – they need to see a real and true reflection of Love so that all the dots can be joined.

Doug Valentine says:October 15, 2015 at 4:41 am

I so agree with you Michelle, and great point Shevon re sticks and stones. Words do far more harm than sticks and stones ever could. Many people carry the damage from abusive childhood words for the rest of their lives. These hurts go very deep and change their lives from that point onwards always making that life less that it might otherwise have been. The scale of the harm is huge and for the most part unidentified. Lives are effectively destroyed in that they will never be all that they were meant to be.

This is interesting to reflect upon as I can remember many words from family that were very hurtful during my childhood but not much other. Words are very powerful.

Fiona Lotherington says:October 31, 2015 at 6:03 am

This is so true Doug. I keep meeting adults who loved but stopped singing as a child because they were put down or told they couldn’t sing. This was sometimes 40 years ago and the hurt was just as alive as yesterday. Luckily most have taken the leap and are singing again, and finding the joy that had been squashed by harsh words.

Lorraine Wellman says:October 19, 2015 at 3:52 pm

Yes it only by us leading by example and showing a different way that people will be more aware that they too have this choice. At the same time calling out abuse for what it is and saying no to any form of it.

Yes Esther, there is that age old saying of ‘Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never harm me’, this could not be further from the Truth as the intention behind words can always be felt and can have a serious impact on another if they do not hold strong with love for themselves. When we know and have claimed living a loving life – calling out abuse becomes the norm.

Well shared Shevon and as always the truth has been completely re-interpreted. Sticks and stones may indeed break our bones, but at least we know what broke them and we are able to move forward and heal but if we are told “words will never hurt us”. This is a lie that sets us up for failure, thinking that if words do hurt us (as they do) there is something wrong with us. We are not tough enough, resilient enough…. when in fact we are everything because we can feel the intent of the abuse and have every right to say No.

I agree too Esther and Harrison, and allowing the way some people talk on the internet or on social media about others and even directly addressing others at times is truly appalling. It is time this does get addressed as the damage is untold…

Yes so true Esther and Harrison. Its the intention behind the words that we feel and that hurts most, but because the weapon is a word rather than a stone or spear, we dismiss the attack because it doesn’t make sense, there is no physical wound to justify the pain we feel. That old saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” comes to the fore. We pretend words don’t hurt us, but they poison us all the same and our protection is to develop a “thick skin”, which ultimately leads to us accepting more and more verbal abuse. Its not until one meets people who don’t do that to one another, but who have learnt to express their feelings not their reactions, do we realise that this behaviour is not okay. Lashing out with words is just as un-acceptable as thumping someone and its up to us all to take responsibility for our words, just as much as we are expected to take responsibility for our actions.

I was told you are too sensitive, when I felt hurt by words, so learnt to harden and try to protect myself… ‘We pretend words don’t hurt us, but they poison us all the same and our protection is to develop a “thick skin”, which ultimately leads to us accepting more and more verbal abuse.’ To acknowledge what I’m feeling, saying no to any form of abuse, and express this is vital.

Thanks for your comment Lorraine. It made me consider what Anonymous had shared about how they had not responded to the cyber abuse. If we are told we need to harden up and take abuse, acting like it doesn’t bother you means you have achieved this. WE are actually rewarded for accepting abuse!

Sandra says:October 15, 2015 at 4:05 am

This is a great point Esther. We can be so flippant with words and think that they are exactly that – just words – but the damage they can do to another is enormous. Just recently I witnessed someone say something very flippantly to another, and they were deeply upset by what had been said. Fortunately they were courageous enough to speak up and say exactly how they felt, and as a consequence the person who had dealt them was given a stop moment, and an opportunity to deeply reflect on what had just happened. They then had a great learning from this and realised the impact of throwing words around so carelessly. A great example of how important it is for us to express how we feel if we have been hurt by another’s words.

And to just take it a step further Harrison it is the abuse we do to ourselves, the way we speak to ourselves that is the key to bringing a halt to what we see everywhere, as it can only start from a platform of love.

Hear hear – that’s it – first for our selves and then this will become the norm, so no other abuse will ever be accepted; instead it will be called out in a loving way knowing that the one dishing out the abuse is hurting within.

Absolutely Jane, stop the internal judging, critique and abuse, build such a strong foundation of love for our selves that there is no space for self abuse or indeed any other form of abuse wherever it may come from.

That’s very true vanessamchardy, your comment is exposing of the way in which we abuse ourselves with negative self talk, and only by becoming deeply aware of our self abuse will we, from a foundation of love, be able to bring a stop to the abuse we see everywhere.

Vanessa this is so true thank you for bringing it to light. Yes before we look at the abuse in the world we first need to address how we are with ourselves ‘how we speak and take care with ourselves (or not!)’ and what we ‘allow’ or don’t fully address in families such as siblings fighting.

Perhaps this self-abuse and self critique has become normal because the hardening that has taken place from the arguing we did as children. I think children will find their way with arguing but to be able to remind them to appreciate the power and harm of words is an important life lesson. Then it can raise from inane insults to discussion and debate.

“… to remind them (our children) to appreciate the power and harm of words is an important life lesson” and also to remind them of the power of how harming or loving they can be with each other in other ways eg.how hurting it is for both children when one of them chooses to ignore or yell at the other. This is great to be reminded of the abuse being carried out here.

You’ve nailed it Vanessa, even worse than anything others can do to us with words is the harm we do to ourselves. At least with words coming from the outside we have the option to know we are amazing and that the words are untrue (unfortunately not many of us can do this) but with words we bring forth to criticize or condemn ourselves we do not have that option to protect ourselves from those words and we can become totally dependent upon recognition or praise from others to be able to have any self belief.

Absolutely Vanessa, I know how deceptively easy it is to be trapped in the cloak of self disregard, blaming others and unable to take responsibility for the level abuse we heap on ourselves. Thankfully, I’ve stepped away from this dark, cloying cloak and let Love be my foundation.

A very powerful point Vanessa. If we speak to ourselves in a abusive way how can we expect others to treat us any differently? What we think becomes what we speak, therefore we are potential abusers if we allow this energy to run in us.

So true – recently I become more and more aware, how sometimes I treat myself badly. And for me, to stop the abusive behaviour towards myself is the key to stop the abusive behaviors, which are coming from other people.

It always comes back to how we are with ourselves – first and foremost. If we are self-critical and self-bashing then abusive or sarcastic comments from others won’t appear to affect us as much, however this isn’t true. We are affected by our own and others words, we just have hardened to it. The more we say no to anything less than love from ourselves, then the more we can say no to the same from others.

Vanessa, that’s exactly what I felt reading this blog again this evening, how I abuse myself is what I will allow and tolerate in the world, and the only way to address the abuse out there is to address my own. As the more I deeply love and care for me and drop my abuse the more I will be aware or and see the abuse out there, and speak up and say no. The other thing about abuse is when you are in it, to any degree you can’t fully see it around you, it’s normal, so to truly see what abuse there is I need to drop my own.

Well shared Vanessa, only when we return to the foundation of love that is equal to all will we be able to discern and call out abuse on every level. We have allowed abuse to infiltrate on so many levels, we now have to peel back the layers and reveal the beauty from within. Those that lead the way will inspire others to do so and one by one each will return to their knowing that anything that is not love is abuse.

I agree Harrison, the ‘banter’ many people have in there families and with friends is often very abusive in the way it can be quite cutting or mean, but is brushed of as a joke. When there can be such tensions, arguments and feuding going on in families, the anonymity of the Internet will only exacerbate the issue.

I agree Harrison and love what you share here Rebecca even though I want to cringe at the same time.
What I realise is that I often turn a blind eye to the name calling and the so called jokes among the children because I have at some level accepted this level abuse and have given up in a sense. I don’t stand up and say this is not okay. It is as if a part of me has a belief that it is normal and what all children, siblings and families do but really that is not the case.
It feels pretty awful really to expose my lack of responsibility and I can understand why so many do what I have done, pretend its not happening, turn a blind eye and hope things will change.
Time to change that! Thank you.

Harrison, this is absolutely correct. We normalise a contemptuous way of speaking, and are described as too sensitive if we allow it to be seen as having affected us. So not only does it become “normal” to abuse, it becomes “normal” to pretend that it does not hurt. Heaven forbid that we should be sensitive! We see politicians hurl insults – that is now not only normal but expected. We see it on the sports field and in our newspapers. So how then does cyberabuse stand out in such a milieu of hatred and animosity.
More people are willing to challenge the notion of too sensitive and say not only are they sensitive (for how can we ever be too aware and too tender?), but they are willing to let their sensitivity challenge the normal that is not normal at all.

I love your comment Rachel. Our sensitivity is our greatest alley and it is honouring our sensitivity that supports us to stand up to abuse. It is very interesting how we tend to use our sensitivity, which is a very powerful tool against ourselves. There is nothing normal about denying our sensitivity and there is nothing normal about accepting abuse.

We abuse ourselves by toughening up and loose our sensitivity which is actually our strength.
And even in being sensitive we often are subject to more abuse in the form of name calling, or being told not to feel sad when actually it is okay to feel what is happening and a lot healthier than burying it and pretending you are not hurt.

Lorraine Wellman says:October 19, 2015 at 4:24 pm

Great point Kylie, ‘denying our sensitivity is one of the first ways in which we abuse ourselves’.

Rachel Andras says:October 13, 2015 at 2:29 pm

Absolutely Rachel and Elizabeth our sensitivity is key and it is shocking to see how sensitivity is judged and outcasted as pathetic and weak. The whole discussion around resilience for example is all about toughening up and being able to cope with life instead of connecting to what true resilience is, that is being sensitive and tender and observe the world and not absorb it. Express the tension we feel, the hurt and what is taking us out. Abuse is so normalized that we always address everything from protection and not from being open and loving with each other.

That is so very true. Resilience has become a catch phrase that stands for “get over it”, “don’t complain”. It is about not challenging the perpetrator, be they a reckless boss who is not aware of the pressure they place on staff, a cybertroll, a rude person found anywhere.
if that behaviour is not called to account it will never cease.
That is the power of sensitivity, and its expression.

Anne Hishon says:October 14, 2015 at 2:07 am

It feels to me that allowing ourselves to feel our sensitivity is a beautiful expression of self love and yet we do not always fully appreciate this. Sensitivity is still seen as a sign of weakness by many usually by those who are protecting their own sadness. I agree Elisabeth- what a great ally sensitivity is.

Thank you Elizabeth I so agree. I see so many young people try to harden up and cope with how sensitive they are with self abusive behaviours. It is classed as normal but the outcome of the cover up is the accepting of normal for things that are not normal at all.

Wow totally agree Rachel, we are deeply sensitive on the inside and its putting up those hard protective walls that makes us think its okay to abuse, because we already have a wall up ourselves to not feel we are hurt and hence hurting others. Yes we politicians and sports people hurling abuse at each other and this is normalised. It so should NOT be normal. If I for one can admit it hurts to be hard and defensive with others, then surely many others aren’t that different and hence its time to stop and say what we are actually feeling.

Absolutely Kylie! It is beyond crazy – we just haven’t all caught up to the fact yet.

katie walls says:October 13, 2015 at 6:30 pm

Yes, and saying to another that you are being too sensitive is a direct reaction to not wanting to feel what is being exposed. We are all innately sensitive. It just depends if one is allowing this quality or not.

So true Katie. We find the off button to our exquisite awareness – but really, there is no off button at all.
We are playing a game of cat and mouse with our feelings, ignoring the great messages that inform us about every aspect of life.
Here is the price though. When you cannot feel your hurts, you cannot feel the joy and the abundant love. That is an ouch! if ever there was one.

oh what a good point Katie! I have been on both the giving and receiving end of this and can honestly say that there are a lot of times when I have not wanted to feel what is exposed because I just didn’t want to take responsibility for my part.

Yes it’s great that this reclaiming of our innate sensitivity and making this something normal is happening now through the work of Universal Medicine. It is such a lovely thing to admit to and honour our sensitivity and other’s too and brings so much more understanding and fulfilment into life.

And it is so beautiful when we don’t have to keep the walls up between each other, when we can let those around us see us for who we are, our sensitivity and all and not the false protected hard version that we have become and have even been identified with.

I very much agree Rachel, we are basically getting trained to withstand and handle the onslaught of the rough and cynic way words are being used and to communicate in the same way. It is one of the things you ‘need to be equipped with to get through life’. But how very un-normal this is for us, we would be shocked if we heard a two year old speak the way the average adult communicates.

Absolutely, it is our sensitivity that allows us to be aware of energy as opposed to being numb to it. It’s so interesting what is able to be felt the more we allow our natural sensitivity and ability to feel. When we are numb we can miss all the nuances of the expression – the tone, the intention. But from a sensitivity of awareness it can feel like an angry sledge hammer expressing. So it doesn’t surprise me that we choose to numb as it really can feel quite vile. One by one we take responsibility for our expression and change the world.

I remember as a child watching a sad movie with Mum and Dad and holding back the tears, never crying. Dad thought I was hard…In hindsight he was spot on. That was the beginnings of pretending things don’t hurt. Abuse is insidious and it is through us recognising it in our own lives both as abuser and abusee – to ourselves and others that we will begin to see that this has nothing whatsoever to do with who we are.

This is gold Rachael; “So not only does it become “normal” to abuse, it becomes “normal” to pretend that it does not hurt. Heaven forbid that we should be sensitive!”. Normal to pretend we are not sensitive… how crazy have we allowed it to get that we no longer see our true normal; our caring, loving, sensitive and tender ways as not only not normal but somehow strange and weird, like we have a disease. Truth is when we live against our natural essence as described above we are in dis-ease which is a testimony to the current rates of illness, disease and dis-harmony in our world.

Rachel – it is great what you share here – and all to easy for us to be affected by others and pretend we are fine. Abuse comes in many forms, and feeling that and speaking up is so healing for our bodies. Honouring our sensitivity is a way to share with others that what they say or how they say something does hurt. Speaking up about it and not feeling our sensitivity is a weakness is something to be celebrated.

I agree Harrison cyber abuse needs to be addressed in detail by looking at how we are towards ourselves and towards each other. Usually bullying starts when we are young and as we learn to develop a ‘thick skin’ we become unaware of the harm we are doing to ourselves. When we react by learning to hide our sensitive feelings shrugging it off as if it doesn’t matter as a form of protection, it can lead to choosing not to feel. And so it compounds becoming acceptable behaviour and keeps spreading like a disease until today where we have cyber-bullying rampant on the internet and in its most vile forms.

While reading the blog and all the comments I was recalling my experiences of abuse. It is as you describe, Deidre, started when I was young and I remember even now how painful it was being called by names and bullied by boys. I asked myself-why it felt so strongly? The only answer is – at those times I was more sensitive and can feel more. So I “…learn to develop a ‘thick skin’ we become unaware of the harm we are doing to ourselves.” It is true, I was constantly building this protective armor, I stopped reacting to verbal abuse, it couldn’t get though, only physical beating up could.
It is terrible what we do to ourselves and others by allowing any form of abuse in our life.

I totally agree with you Harrison- we have allowed cyberabuse to occur in society because we have not addressed the earlier forms of abuse when we were younger, in our own families and with our friends.
Thank you Anonymous for raising our awareness into possible causes of cyberabuse occuring, and for saying ‘No’ to intellectual and emotional abuse.

Very true Harrison, ‘Addressing cyber abuse means also addressing the way in which we are in every way with each other, thank you for sharing your experience and how harmful words can really be.’ i notice with school children how cruel and hurtful the name calling can be, I can feel how it is when we are young that it is important for children to learn that it is not ok to call each other names, that this is hurtful and not acceptable.

Harrison a friend was sharing with me the other day how concerned she was with how her 18 years old daughter spoke with her friends and her boyfriend and how they spoke to her. She said it was offensive and abusive but when questioning her the daughter was not concerned at all and said “that’s just how we all talk to each other”. Where are we going that our everyday way of relating is abusive? and what are we allowing if we allow this to continue in our own lives? (message for self there)

Very true Harrison, how we are in every moment is how we will be with addressing cyber abuse. Our level of care towards ourselves and others is made up of a million and one choices, we have to ask what choices are we all making that we have allowed such abuse to take hold?

The internet, like any tool, is an extension of us – how we use it is a reflection of how we treat ourselves.
Have you ever watched a person use a shovel with care and precision, in comparison to the person who forcefully and carelessly applies the same implement to the same task? The first person is aware of themselves and how they use their body, and aware of the delicacy of the task at hand. There may be a pipe under that soil, or some other structure that needs to be taken into consideration. The second person is not so regarding of their back and shoulders. If there is a pipe down there…well good luck to it! A call to the plumber with all of its complications may be at hand!
So too the internet. Do we get on there and express on this great tool with care and consideration for all? Or do we use it like the guy going ‘hell for leather’ with the shovel? Hang the consequences to ourselves and everyone else?
Do we allow abuse to be our normal way?
The answer seems to be yes and the result is an internet that is a cesspool that is all of our responsibility to clean up. And it is going to take more than a call to the plumber….

Absolutely, Harrison. The abuse that we are experiencing on the internet is not something that will go away with regulation, legislation or handing out punishments to offenders. It is something that has been bubbling under the surface of humanity for a long, long time, and that something is the casual, off-the-cuff abuse that we deal out and accept as being a part of our every day interactions with each other.

Is true what you say about feeling the body and soft tissue more relaxed when we let go of criticism, and in cases at work in particular – ‘gossip’ which causes an instant tightening or rigidity of movement when we partake in it – listening to or spreading it around. I am now in a work setting where there is so much less of this gossiping and your post has made me reflect on how less inhibited in the body this feels with this abuse no longer there.

Similarly Zofia, I have noticed the difference in tension in my job when the gossip has dropped away. It highlighted for me the intensity I had been living in and had accepted as normal… and the internal hardening I walked around in to avoid it was huge.

I feel that too Simon and Zofia, gossiping really is not a loving thing to partake in as we are not being truthful or holding everyone in the love that they are equally, And our body will expose this by hardening and becoming tense.

That is a great moment of appreciation Zofia that your work place does not indulge very often in gossip, and that your body feels more relaxed and at ease as a result. Which makes sense if you are feeling everything – which we do – you would feel the possibility of being talked about and that in itself would be enough to protect yourself and be tense in your body.

Absolutely True Zofia. I also notice a hardening in my body’s muscles and soft tissue when I communicate anything that is less then love. Love is the only true self-sustaining essence that breathes us, and nurtures us.

The gossip in my life has dropped to a minimum and so now when it does arise I can feel it more clearly for what it is. I can feel the pull of it and how I want to engage. But at the same time, because I have had long periods without it, I can feel how wrong it is in my body. I am now more able to speak up about it. Recently when a conversation I was involved in started turning to gossip I called it out straight away and I didn’t allow it to continue. It was such a loving thing for me to do, not only for myself but for all involved and there was almost relief that it didn’t continue. Sometimes gossip is like a wave and once on it is hard to get off and we are then subject to that assault on our bodies until the wave has run it’s course.

There are so many different hidden ways of abuse we allow or initially are part of – gossiping is one of them. Great you do mention it here. Everything that our mind finds exciting is most of the time, if not every time, an abuse to the body. The mind likes the stimulus and the temptation. The heart doesn´t need that.

Yes Zofia in my last workplace gossip was rife and I would literally be so tight and tense even just stepping into the door waiting for the onslaught. The depth that our bodies feel is immense. I now work in a much more loving environment and the difference on my body is amazing.

It is interesting how your body can feel the abuse or gossip around you even if you don’t actually hear it. It just goes to show how incredibly senisitive we are and how we can feel everything.
I can feel when someone is thinking something horrible or swearing at me in their head without even saying it. I have always been able to feel this but I never wanted to accept that because I didn’t really want to feel it…. so to avoid feeling, I would overide the whole lot and try to shut out the feelings all together.
And we feel so much even when we read a comment. There was one the other day on Facebook that make my body jolt and it made me realise how even words that were not directed at me hurt, and that gave me a moment of realising then even my hurtful words to one person, can effect many others. Which just goes to show how much we are all hurt by cyber bullying because on some level we are all effected by it. Ouch.

Everyone hurts everyone with abusive behaviour…Of course, it is not too pleasant to feel that, but the only way to step out of it and take full responsibility in life is to be open and feel this fact..

“do we consider that in a fit of frustration, rolling our eyes and criticising our friends, family or colleagues could be labelled as abuse too – and that we have accepted it as part of ‘normal’ living?” – yes we’ve become like teflon to abuse, that even to use the word ‘abuse’ to describe something is a word that’s not often voiced, or a word that we don’t feel comfortable with…because of our definition and relationship we have with it, so that whenever ‘abuse’ is called for what it is, many of us find it a harsh word to say. Which says it all.

When we start to call things for what they are we normalise the word ‘abuse’, to un-normalise the behaviour.

It does deeply hurt when we notice someone ‘eye-rolling’ about something we may have said or done. We all deeply know the hurt.
I have also done the ‘eye rolling’ myself and to look at it honestly it feels equally as awful to have been the one doing it. I feel as though I did it to be accepted in a group or to fit in. I always felt soiled afterwards and somewhat diminished and ashamed in complying with something that is a long way away from love.

Yes, I can attest to the eye-rolling too, being on the receiving end and doing it myself. We use it as such a ‘normal’ way of being, but it is not, it feels horrible either way. And I would even go as far as just thoughts crossing our minds and how we allow them in and how much that can be felt in another person. What I have been noticing lately is how thoughts are always there ready to be taken in by us to circle in our heads and bodies and how I can simply not chose to invite them in not have them play with me. This I just realised is quite another level of saying no to abuse.

Well said Zofia, we have indeed normalised abuse and at the same time made words such as jealousy and abuse feel harsh by their lack of use. We need to not shy away from using words like bullying, abuse and jealousy to make these words far more accepted.

I recall as a child of about 8 saying something hurtful to a friend. She called me on it at the time. She talked about how much my wayward comment had hurt her. I thought I was being funny. In that moment though I could feel how hurt she was, but I also realised that was not my intension either. That was a clear maker for me as a young person as to the power of our words and the understanding that we can reach when we speak honestly about how words feel.

Well said Sofia. My understanding of the word abuse used to be limited to extreme violence like domestic abuse, or child abuse or sexual abuse like rape. As this is now changing to include anything that is not love what I accepted as normal or usual abuse in daily life I now do not. I have to say still find myself being slightly apologetic and apprehensive in using this word to describe behaviours that many consider the norm, including myself a while ago, but now I feel my body registers as abuse. So here’s to normalising the term ‘abuse’ to de-normalise behaviours that are abusive.

I can really relate to all that is shared here. How on earth is this type of abuse so rife and accepted with children? I remember myself going to school and being bullied and teased, quite badly, at quite a young age. What I and my friends learned was to give as good back as a way of protecting ourselves and getting known as tough so we would be left alone. This all happened before the age of 10! I remember kids being bitter, angry, hate filled, resentful, jealous, explosive and highly emotional. They are huge emotions for little bodies to experience. Yet, none of it was taken seriously because “they are just kids being kids”, or “they are too young to know better”. So it is just left to spiral out of control into even more vicious teasing and bullying amongst all the kids at school. What went on in homes was just as bad. Isn’t it about time that we took bullying and hurtful expression seriously no matter what the age?

So true Melinda, it is like it is the norm in society and within families for siblings to fight and argue, or even expected. And that same level of sweeping it under the carpet then allows it to continue and escalate at school. I know families who are putting a stop to these abusive behaviours in their families and showing their children that there is another way. Imagine if more of us started to see through the illusion that this is ‘just kids being kids’, and that this is against every cell of our being to attack another.

Melinda and Aimee, I too find it horrible the way siblings are allowed to carry on this way being very hurtful to each other without anyone really getting to the bottom of why this is going on and taking the time to teach the children something different. I know this is not natural behaviour for children but something they learn very quickly as a release of the hurt they are carrying. Children are naturally tender if they are allowed to be who they are without any imposition, which is an ideal of course. But fortunately there are families that are making a start to bring their children up in the way of true love without perfection, and the children feel very different to the norm.

I very much agree Melinda, we too often let children have their go in behaving horribly with the excuse that they do not know better or are too young to know. But with that we are very much fooling ourselves, children do know a lot and they know how to manipulate us, I do not say they are little monsters but they are very aware and perceptive, so as you say no matter what age we all need to be called into responsibility.

Absolutely agree with what you have all shared, these behaviours are only accepted as we are not calling them out and seeing that children are just as capable of being responsible for their actions as adults. When you begin to look at abuse in this way and it’s capacity to take so many forms it does make you stop and truly consider the magnitude of our responsibility to not accept it in any form.

I agree, Esther, “we all need to be called into responsibility.” It starts with us in taking responsibility for ourselves and our behaviour. If we come from love, then we will not be abusive to ourselves, nor to others. Then if we have children, we must not tolerate abuse in any way between the family, or between any member of the family towards others. This is a start to changing how at least we are in the world.

And in addition to this , not only is the aspect of (young/child) age being as an excuse, but also this extends into the family circle where as adults abuse continues now under the excuse of ‘family’ so it’s ok. This then makes abuse normal in all personal/marital relationships or those we are close with like work colleagues or bosses where we think we can get away with things (abuse) because of that closeness which is taken advantage of. Abuse is not ok whatever our relationship with a person however related, close or distant we are to each other.

I very much agree Zofia, and the interesting part is that abuse is fostered in our closest relationships, as you point out often in family, where we allow certain disrespectful or plain abusive behaviour that we would never allow from a stranger.

Indeed Esther, it is easy to let children get away with things but this only allows them to think and learn how to get away with things. It may seem easier at the time but all it leads to is them developing ill patterns of behaviour. Proper parenting means being love no matter what and this definitely entails saying no when needed!

Making excuses for the children’s behaviour (or anyone’s behaviour) is just highlighting for us where we do not want to go, what we do not want to address ourselves. It’s where the abuse itself has become a comfort.

Yes, I agree Melinda. The blog got me thinking about all the times and ways abuse was happening in what was regarded to be insignificant ways when I was growing up with my siblings and with other children. In fact, incidents were often deal with by a laugh by adults or with irritation as adults were annoyed that they were disturbed from whatever they were doing and had to intervene. So it was more about the adult’s level of comfort being upset rather than recognising and calling out the abuse that was happening. I am also thinking about the many ways I have subtly acted abusively eg when I have mocked someone in my mind and even though these thoughts weren’t voiced, they were nonetheless abusive.

I agree with you Melinda, it is very sobering to look back and see how our abusive behaviours develop so young, often in order to counteract what is delivered to us. And in the family relationship, it is regarded as ‘normal’ for children to fight over the slightest thing. I know this was so in my family when I was young. We used to fight over the silliest things at times. I was the eldest, sometimes given responsibility for looking after a younger sister. But if that sister would not then abide by what I was supposed to be supervising, then there would be a fight. Maybe I should not have been given such a responsibility, when I did not really have any control over her actions.

I totally agree Melinda, we definitely have to start taking abuse more seriously and put a stop to it in every situation. It occurs everywhere and we have come to accept it as normal, like what you’ve shared, we brush abuse off when we see it in kids… “they are just kids being kids”. This is absolutely not OK because we then teach our children that it is acceptable to abuse others and acceptable to receive it. This blog and so many comments exposes how so many of us in society are choosing to accept abuse, let in fester and grow, and simply not willing to take responsibility to stop this viscous cycle of abuse.

It is interesting what you say here Melinda about the scrapping between kids not being taken seriously because “they are too young to know any better” or “just kids being kids”.
I have just realised what a lie this is!
Most children when very young naturally gravitate towards each other in a loving and open way, sharing and investigating between them harmoniously without all that going on. So they, and each one of us has the innate knowing of what that feels/felt like.
The initial step away from that is what commences the hardening where we are later unable to feel the, seemingly, ‘smallest’ abuses which makes it easier to be rough and yet rougher, harder and yet harder, as a means to not feel the initial and subsequent hurts or abuses.

Yes Melinda I couldn’t agree more with what you have shared here. It is a responsibility for us all to address no matter of our age. Children are very perceptive and sensitive beings just as we are as adults. If we show them and express the truth then we are giving them the opportunity to do the same. That is where the responsibility lies.

It is absolute rubbish that is is just kids being kids. By allowing that behaviour we are allowing future adults to treat people in that way. As adults we have not fulfilled our responsibility in parenting when we allow our children to behave in this way. The parent has the first and foremost responsibility but when I say “we” I mean all of us as we are all responsible for children.

Thank you. This sharing has provided a great STOP moment for me upon reading your blog just now, as I reflect how often I still demean myself so easily and flippantly. Its true this IS a subtle form of abuse that I have allowed to go on since a young girl. It is not OK, thank you for bringing my attention to it.

The more we catch the self abuse, the more we can see how subtle and insidious it can be, which then allows us to see more clearly how we play it out in the world around us, which gives us an opportunity to halt the abuse in ourselves, and with others. It is only with self love and appreciation that we can bring a halt to this.

Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for your article. I too can feel the tension, discomfort and pain in my body when I either speak, act or think towards another in a way that puts them down and/or when I allow others to put myself or another down in some way. It is not pleasant for any of us. I love the simplicity of simply seeing this for the abuse it is and saying no to it. Thank you.

The fact you have brought in the fact our thoughts cause harm too is great Susan, I remember this being discussed at a group session and as everything is energy our thoughts also have an energy that has to play out for love or for harm. If we truly felt the meaning of this truth we would conduct ourselves with much more responsibility than we do currently.

I find the same Susan and the more I catch myself doing it the more I see quite how much it comes out. It can be so subtle, as if it pin pints exactly what will trigger or put the other person down. It is great to catch it and put an end to it.

I too experienced how horrible it felt in my body when I started to get caught up in some gossip, I quickly stopped myself and pointed out to the other person that it was not acceptable and we agreed that we would not allow ourselves to get caught out like that again. I realised that my body has become more sensitive and my awareness has expanded so that anything that I did that was not loving was felt more acutely, and saying no to abuse, through gossip felt great. So no more gossip.

I totally agree Susan. Our body communicates non-stop to us about what is really going on and that includes our thoughts, as everything is energy, thoughts can cause much harm and that distress is felt in the body – similarly when someone rolls their eyes at us, it hurts because of all the unsaid words that come with that action. Calling out all forms of abuse is a must if we are to responsibly address it.

Thank you, yes it is a real eye opener to start to consider all the types of abuse that we have endured and usually put up a barrier against in our lives. Of course this doesn’t do anything to help the situation but just promotes more of the same. All of this is evidenced in the world today with ongoing wars and fighting and all in protection of our hurts. The way to heal is to start to call out abuse and open up our innate gentleness and tenderness so that we don’t have to harden our bodies and keep doing more of the same.

Wars and conflict on a large scale begin with how we are with each other and with ourselves. I have always felt this but now I know that I am consistently working on building harmony within myself and in my home and that in this microcosm we are building the foundation for the macrocosm.

I agree Emma, the best place to start is in our own homes with our family and close friends. I like how you say ‘in this microcosm we are building the foundation for the macrocosm.’ Makes a lot of sense.

To me it seems that a lot of the war and conflict we see in the world is coming from the hardness and protection put inplace from hurts that happened at a very young age. The constant name calling of a 6 year old can have a dramatic impact on the future adult when the hardness is not only stored in the body but continually added to.

Recently we had a family gathering with extended family members, and it was very uncomfortable to be reminded how we considered sarcasm and a sharp-tongue to be funny and witty, and I had been known as the ‘funniest’. In observing, I could feel no one actually enjoyed being treated or spoken in such ways, but it was something we somehow accepted as normal then championed it as if to say we do not care. It is very healing for me to understand that while trying to protect ourselves from feeling the hurt, we actually allow more of it to the degree that it becomes normal to be treated with less than love, and treat the others in that way too.

It is ironic that in order not to feel hurts we end up hurting others. I feel mental, emotional and psychological abuse is something we really need to discuss, get underneath and expose as this happens everywhere and it is scary that we have dismissed moments of it and seen it to be normal.

Yes Rachel Mascord laughter to lighten the sorrow of how we are feeling, rather like the laughing clown that removes their mask where we get to see the sadness and also flatness in all the entertaining or performance. And this is how many of are at work, and that wearing the mask is what causes many people to quit their jobs thinking it’s the job, but in fact it’s themselves not being them in the job that’s the issue and sadness.

What about those comedians who make a livelihood out of abuse, to themselves or other people. They are offering masterclasses in how to not feel, how to turn a blind eye to a way of being that reduces people to objects to be ridiculed.

Quite agree Rachel, someone in my family always had a saying for what ever was going on in life and when I told her I was feeling hurt by someone … She would reply
“Sticks and stones may break our bones but names will never hurt us.” It taught me that adults didn’t take any notice of the hurt so I toughened up. As a child you wear a suit of armour that you seemingly never take off, we just grow more layers. So what has been written here makes complete sense to me. That we are so immune to abusive behaviour we don’t recognize it until it is in our face. So thank you anonymous for highlighting just how much abuse comes in under the radar and once recognised that it is not acceptable and to call it out for what it is. Once abuse has been called out we should not put up with it. If more and more people speak out it has no where to go.

Ouch Harrison yes they are, and they’re just a distraction from the hurt we feel in us and how we know we’ve hurt others. It’s more honest to feel and show the hurt and address it. And yet this idea of showing a ‘sunny’ face to the world is very ingrained – as a child I often heard ‘smile and the world smiles with you’ without any discerning been given to whether it was a true smile or not, it was all about putting on that happy face and not letting the world see what you truly felt, it was all about being seen to be ok, rather than feeling what is really going on.

This is brilliant. I can feel how we have trained ourselves to use our body as a dumping ground. We use our body to store unresolved emotions by hardening and numbing. We consume food and substances that are poisonous to our body in reaction to the hurt we are not prepared to look at. We expect so much from our body, no wonder so many illnesses and diseases are around. It makes so much sense that by clearing our body we start re-connecting and opening up to living from our true essence – where no abuse will be tolerated.

‘To use our body as a dumping ground’ is a very apt description of what we are doing, thank you Fumiyo for this clear picture. So through self-love and self-care we on one hand dump less into our body and on the other hand we clear out what we have collected over the years in our body, step by step getting rid of all the rotten stuff that does not belong.

Amazing comment Fumiyo. We do use our bodies as a dumping ground, both with emotion and food/substances that sit there like poison and creates disharmony which if unresolved creates illness. I am starting to feel what it feels like to have a clearer and lighter body where I do not do this and it truly feels amazing. My true intelligence is shining through more and I feel awake to life in a way I never have before.

Yes it’s an appropriate description ‘ to use our body as a dumping ground’ that’s so shocking but very revealing of ‘out of sight out of mind’ things we lock away without a thought of the consequences in our bodies, till such time as we become ill. We should not be surprised if only we had the awareness of what we are doing by dumping in our bodies.

Awesome blog Anonymous, highlighting how …”in a fit of frustration, rolling our eyes and criticising our friends, family or colleagues” is equally as abusive as the loud obvious forms of abuse. You have shown how self care is the key to dismantling any behaviour of abuse, even in its subtle form.

Dismantling the subtle forms of abuse may actually be the most important; for we all know when we’re being bullied to our faces, we can get an understanding of why that is reasonably quickly. But, emotional manipulation is simply harder to point-out, because it’s using the black magic of reading another’s weaknesses to take affect.

And once we run the show, it is hard to stop until it has played itself out. Emotional and intellectual abuse does not only hurt the receiver, in the same way it hurts the sender too, as to let this play out it abuses the own body too. So it is a double harming.

Wow, you have really taken it back to how normalized we have made abuse. I hadn’t gone back to my childhood and felt how much bullying there was in my household. I can feel now how I started to harden from a young age and made this the normal procedure for when abuse came my way, even down to the way I abused myself. Great blog, thanks.

You’re totally right Kim – bullying and abuse is becoming much too normalised in schools, in families and in relationships too. It’s downplayed so often nowadays as ‘sarcasm’, ‘a joke’, ‘banter’ or ‘a bit of fun’… Now when you stand up to it often you are the one who is in the wrong, because apparently ‘you just don’t know how to take a joke’. Kids as young as 5 or 6 already know the tell tale signs of bullying, and if they grow up experiencing it and thinking that it’s normal how do we expect them to act in later life?

Dear Anonymous – there are just so many arenas within your blog that could have the possibility of ringing little bells of recognition for many I am sure. Why is this so I wonder. What happens to the preciousness of a little child in the home between being born and commencing school surely has something to do with the bullying that commences in the kindergarten class for some and spirals and continues from there. Is it perhaps a case of which comes first, the chicken or the egg – how does the child/teen/person choose to participate in bullying if raised in a truly loving environment to the best of the ability of all thus involved. Surely as you say, if we start calling it out, and claiming that bullying in any form is not acceptable – perhaps our young and our children will not have to wait until untold healing sessions and counselling have cleared and healed the scars.
Thank you for your provocative, insightful and inspirational sharing.

It is interesting to read Anonymous, how you have identified that abuse is there in many forms, and that some forms are even difficult to identify as such. We all are partaking in the abuse of each other when we are reacting from a hurt, most of the time without knowing that we are doing so. Becoming more aware when we react from a hurt or not is a way to let go the abusive behaviour towards another, a way to banish abuse out of our lives. From there we are able to truly not accept the abuse and cyber bullying that comes to us in a more effective way, as we are actively saying no to abuse, both from ourselves and to what is being directed to us.

I was nodding the whole way through reading your story Anonymous. Especially fighting and arguing within the family and then it also playing out in relationships at school. I would constantly feel for where the next attack would come from, and would be anxious waiting for it. I learnt to play nice and manipulate to try and avoid being hurt by the nasty and gossiping way girls would be at school. There were quite a lot of times I was physically abused by girls at school but as you shared Anonymous, this hurt and I was shocked but it was no where near the level of abuse from words, name calling and being excluded. And then also doing the same back to others!
I wonder if this could be a reason as well why many don’t stop and say NO to cyber-bullying and turn a blind eye? Could all our past hurts come up from being abused and also playing into the game, when this newer form of technological abuse is exposed? And we feel as fragile and vulnerable once again as we did before.
Doing this, we just keep allowing and allowing this devastatingly abusive behaviour to continue. I can feel so many ways I am allowing it in my family and how I am speaking with others as well. Great discussion to start Anonymous, thank you.

Thank you Aimee, your comment had me reflecting on my school days, and the devastatingly high level of physical and verbal, bulling that went on, and how at times I refused to go to school. This was considered normal and what one had to put up with, hardening our bodies to cope with the attacks from other children and also the teachers.

I feel this is a great point too about school days and what behavour has been normalised. I have seen it going on whereby certain behaviour is normalised and accepted and it is only the extreme behaviour that is dealt with – the swearing and rough behaviour is mostly an accepted way. It is not surprising, but very sad nonetheless, that so many learn to turn a blind eye to it.

Thank you for bringing this subject to the fore and highlighting the deeper roots of abuse and how many of us learn to cope with it. I have to say before I came across Universal Medicine I thought abuse was only someone hitting you or sexual abuse like rape and molestation. But now I know that it goes much much deeper than this and as you describe there are many incidents we put up with and don’t call out as abusive. It really is time that we change the definition of abuse. This blog is a great start to that.

I was the same Shevon, since Universal Medicine I began to understand and recognise that there are so many forms of abuse that exists around me and all of which are totally not acceptable. Abuse is abuse, no matter how big or small. It is all driven from the same harmful energy. To arrest it we must recognise it, put a stop to it by speaking up and to not accept it in any shape or form. I am learning that anything that is not love is a form of abuse. This awareness brings a level of responsibility to be super aware of how I am with myself and others. I am choosing to not contribute to the energy of abuse by starting to address it from every angle, in every aspect of my life, by choosing to live more and more in love and truth.

Yes Shevon for me this blog was also a great start to be more aware that abuse is not “only someone hitting you or sexual abuse like rape and molestation.” As I work with women who have been abused like mentioned before I was not aware of the not so obvious abuse anymore. The blog of Anonymous is definitely needed otherwise we get harder and harder without knowing.

I must say that when I was at school and computers did not exist yet for us as students, the form of abuse we had was more direct. We had sarcasm and physical abuse but thankfully, it was not on a daily basis, or not in the school I was. Another form of abuse I can recognise now was members of my family often lying to my parents in order to get it their way even if sometimes it was to my detriment. I remember feeling extremely angry and frustrated at the time!

Wow. This blog just expanded my awareness around the word abuse and what it truly is. Being hard to others and ourselves is so normalised that I did not consciously register this as abuse though it is, considering we are love and could be living harmoniously and loving with everyone around us a simple rolling of the eyes when someone says something is abusive. Amazing to realise, thank you.

Exactly, there is so much abuse around, that is labelled as normal these days that we should pose the question “where will of this lead” and stop it in our own lives, by that inviting others to do the same.

It is amazing to realise that being hard on oneself is abuse as is a casual dismissive response to another, because these actions are not us, they are not a reflection of the grand vastness of the love that we are.

It is true, Emma, hardening is not our true expression. How often do we try to protect our hurts and get hard. Normally one would not see this as abuse, but in the end it is abusive because it makes you hard. So not healing our hurts is abuse.

This is so obvious now when I hear someone talking about another person in a bad way it huts me, and I say it because I cannot accept this abusive behaviour any longer. Speaking our truth helps to stop this behaviour as we do not hold back any longer.

Thank you for your comment Lieke, it certainly is truly amazing to realise that even a so called simple rolling of the eyes in reply to someone is abusive. It really comes down to the fact that anything that is not love is abuse. Now that’s really big, and something that deserves pondering.

I love this Lieke. It inspires me to be lovingly attentive to the quality of all my interactions and expressions as well as observing everyone else’s. It is almost like doing a piece of research to ascertain where we are at as humanity and to be prepared to leave no stone unturned. I also feel that this will offer up many opportunities to flag up where I am habitually abusing or accepting abuse simply through learned behaviours that are disconnected to our true nature and knowing that we are all in this together and evolve or devolve as one.

Sibling rivalry that results in bad tempered exchange of words leading to physical blows has a lasting affect on all the family. An underlying cause can be jealousy of a felt but unexpressed awareness that a sibling receives more attention from a parent than another so it is a cry for attention. Cyber abuse can be this same cry for attention re-emerging later when the hurts of childhood jealousy are unresolved and still crippling the emotions that cause hardness in the body of the abuser and the abused.

I agree Mary, sibling rivalry is often jealousy about one child receiving more attention and love than another, and this is often not spoken about and exposed in family’s and how each family member has a responsibility to talk about this and bring to the table (so to speak) to prevent it becoming a major issue.

‘I have learned how and why I do things, from observing myself and others in a detached and curious way.’ I like the word curious in here, it brings lightheartedness to a sometimes very serious and unpleasant matter, as observing one self and others is not always delightful. But as your blog so beautifully shows observing without attachment and criticism brings the most beautiful insights and revelations how we as humanity have learned to cope and thus also lets us see how to make different choices.

Great blog, It helps me realise how very sensitive we all are and that was always seen as a really bad thing as I was often told when I was very young that I was too sensitive and to harden or toughen up, which I kind of did pretty quickly as I found the more I pretended that things didn’t hurt, the quicker I was left alone or not hassled at all. The more I did this, the easier it was to be the one who was dishing out the hassle as I feel I had become desensitised to others feelings as wells my own.

Yes and oh no! As I hardened to cope with abuse I joined the ranks of abuser – what a sick, self-perpetuating cycle. Thank goodness for Universal Medicine: an inspiration and philosophy on life that is inspiring many to break this cycle.

I agree Kim. Reading this I was feeling just how sadly abuse has become an accepted part of daily life. Whilst we may talk about how bad certain forms of abuse are we are complicit as we do not stand up and say enough is enough. I can feel the harm described in this blog of us learning to be abusive and be abused in childhood. We need to realise that anything less than being treated with or as the love that we are is abuse, whether by ourselves or others.

Dear Anonymous,
Your words have made me realise the level of abuse we accept, not only towards ourselves but from others. I listen to my colleagues berate and put themselves down all the time, but by not pulling them up am I adding to the level of abuse in the world? Recently it was pointed out to me by my esoteric practitioner that when I ‘laugh things off’ I am actually in disregard which is taking self-abuse to another level and was very revealing to me how much I sometimes continue to abuse myself, it is such an ingrained habit. But once the awareness is there then it is a simple choice of staying present and choosing to be gentle and love myself, this way I can be an example to others, and so far it seems to be working, thank you Anonymous.

This is a great blog, not least because as a society we are still learning to say no to the more obvious physical abuse and all our attention seems focussed on this level of ‘gross’ harm. However, these emotional traumas that happen all the time are flying under the radar and yet they may well be more harmful because the damage is unseen and then carried for years, accepted as normal and has a lifelong detrimental effect.

This is such a powerful and much needed blog Anonymous. The very reason we have abuse on the ginormous scale that it is…..in our schools, workplace relationships and on the internet is because we have not stopped it in our own lives. How we talk to each other and how we communicate can often come with an undertone or a sarcastic wit that we have brushed aside yet it is still felt and registered in the body. I now know that anything that is said and done that is not love is abuse, and the more I live and honour this the more aware what is abusive and what is not by how it feels in my body.

As I have deepened my self-care, I too have realised that I have said yes to emotional abuse in varying forms throughout my life. I have always remembered feeling tense when hearing a person speak ill of another. I would harden up so as to not to feel what was being said as it never felt OK to me. In hindsight I knew speaking ill of someone is a form of abuse. As the level of love for myself has deepened I am now able to say no to abuse.

Thank you, Anonymous, for bringing to light the truth of how we hurt each other a lot of the time, and tolerate it. I can certainly relate to the toughening up of the soft tissue in protection, waiting for the next cruel word or assault. And nowadays cyber abuse takes it to a new level as we can be attacked by complete strangers. The way that we are with each other is in no way conducive to us exploring and re-connecting to how tender and sweet we are, so it is inspiring to hear how you are saying ‘no’ to any abuse and choosing to honour your essence no matter what

I fully agree with what you’ve shared. There is certainly a level of emotional abuse that we accept. The saying “Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is probably one of the worst sayings I was taught as a child. It normalises abuse, tells us to shut down how we feel and with that has given rise to a global society of cyber abuse on a scale unheard of in the past.

Thank you for this blog anonymous, ‘I can feel how self-loving it is to say no to a sarcastic or critical comment, as when I do I feel my body relax and the pockets of tension in my soft tissue release and unwind.’ It is wonderful to be reminded that if we accept abuse/ critical comments etc then this results in a hardness in our bodies and that honouring what we feel and saying no to any form of abuse is part of looking after our health and well-being, just as healthy food and exercise are.

Abuse comes in so many layers, forms and expressions and we have accepted a lot of these abusive behaviors as being normal. But when we take an honest look at abuse, then anything that is not love, is abuse.

There is so much in this blog Anonymous that highlights the different ways in which we abuse others and the ways we accept abuse. There’s an old saying ‘many a true word is said in jest’ and I have found that people can use this to get their point across without being too confrontational, but at times it can also be abusive – because it’s not always what we say but the tone it comes with.

“As I have returned to being more naturally gentle and self-caring, I have started to say No to any emotional abuse – in the way I am with others and the way they are with me.” And the more we do this the more we pick up the more subtle moments of abuse that previously would have gone unchecked.

As I read your blog I was struck by how much we have all accepted abuse as part of our lives. It’s true when you say that as toddlers we don’t mud sling, accuse others and say unkind things. The hurtful interactions we have with siblings and classmates do leave emotional bruises that last decades and we have normalised this. We come to expect it in our places of work and how we are treated inside and outside the home. We come to expect it from our politicians and in how nations communicate to nations. There isn’t a corner of life unaffected by this poison we deliberately choose to make ourselves ill with.

We have unfortunately accepted too many abusive habits and ways into our lives through not being called to account for these harmful activities in our childhood. This type of behaviour escalates and we build walls to protect ourselves from each other! Absolutely crazy!
Surely we are fed up with this kind of abuse and control perpetrated on each other, for what? Thank you Anonymous for bringing this to light again.

I have partaken in the abuse you are talking about I was a master of ‘witty banter’ and sarcasm. Really vile when you feel it, very attacking and cruel. A punch is so much more honest in the abuse is seen physically and in the fact its intention is to harm. Whereas the words placed are written off as unkind not going anywhere near the depths of the pain they cause.

Thanks for a great blog. “Years later I learnt that burying these hurts caused more emotional harm than a physical punch to the body.” This gives the lie to the old adage ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.’ Burying hurts just leaves us more to deal with later on – whenever that may be – and can then give rise to illness and disease.

Abuse is everything that is not love and we have it normalized big time, because we have forgotten what true love is. Love in its romantic version how it is lived today, as a physical human love of two people and not as an all encompassing love of the oneness we are, includes abuse as a stimulating ingredient. A mothers love is often the need and longing to “possess” love, the love of a child to cover the desperate feeling of not being true love and with this one of its main ingredients is abuse….when self is in love there is always abuse. Not holding your kids equally is already abuse and that is the hurt we feel all the way in our adult life. To this comes the verbal abuse and sometimes, and too often the physical abuse. Working with teenagers in schools the biggest hurt comes from adults (parents, teachers, etc.) not connecting with them and holding them truly in love and to cover this hurt different levels of abuse are applied and normalized to cope with life. That’s why nobody acts truly on bullying and cyberbullying as it is so normalized on a daily basis that it is only the extreme form of a normalized lifestyle. It is just deviating a bit what is accepted, it is not truly seen for what it truly is. When our parameter is abuse it is very difficult to feel a bit more of this poison and stop it, but when our parameter is love it clearly stands out.

Your blog brought me back to my childhood, longing for true harmony, knowing it inside, but not finding it in my surroundings. I love how you brought abuse back to the very start of seemingly small acts like saying one word and how we are not designed to live that way, because we are all born naturally sensitive, gentle and tender.

The normality of abuse and the acceptance of it in so many different forms is quite shocking when truly felt and seen for what is is. This begins from such an early age and is so I accepted as normal ingrained in our behaviours no wonder we have hardening of our bodies, hurts and emotional behaviours as common place.This is a great Article calling it all and highlighting what is really going on and how things need to change. All abuse is unacceptable and goes against our very essence and the more we see it the more can uncovered for ourselves and everyone everywhere. Only then in this outing of abuse can society begin to change and valuing and honouring of ourselves can start to happen

You have written a great blog, emotional abuse is something I think many struggle to deal with, because it requires a lot of strength to stand up against something you can’t necessarily see. If something someone has said, or the way they have said it or the way they are with you upsets you or is abusive in someway, it can be hard to communicate that because our current society doesn’t accept that we all feel energy and that it pays a massive role in all our lives. So how to explain that you could feel it in the way they spoke to you, or the way they treat you at work? I have found the presentations by Serge Benhayon so empowering because they give me and understanding and a way of communicating for the first time what it is I am feeling and that it is okay to not stand for any abuse, physical or emotional.

A very interesting topic, emotional or verbal abuse definitely has an impact that is as strong if not stronger than physical abuse. There can’t be many people who have not experienced an event that has caused a mental trauma, I know I can look back on many events in my life where someone has said something hurtful and I have held on to that in my body causing tension and hardness. I look at mistakes I have made in the past and often realise I have not let these go either. And what is not let go has to be stored and this can’t be good for our health. It is particularly important that you raise the effects of sibling arguments, these should never be dismissed and it makes a good case for resolving any arguments as they arise to stop the abuse and harm that may be caused.

Honestly I would rather someone punch me any day over the intensity and hiding of the cyber bullying that occurs not only to children but to all us of. It really is time to start to put a stop to these insidious actions.

It’s so true that we cannot recognize abuse if we are so used to it that it feels normal. The more we treat ourselves well the more we can treat others well, and the more we can recognize abusive behaviour and say no to it.

What a great blog Anonymous, so many great points opened for some honest discussion, and much of which you wrote and the examples provided I could so relate to, both as a recipient and an active participant. This really exposes how many of our behaviours can seemingly become ‘normal and acceptable’ simply because they are less extreme compared to others or the behaviour of others. And when we fail to speak up in relation to these behaviours, we are equally participating in them being continued. Sounds like a big step up in responsibility to me…. I’m up for it!

When we consider abuse from this perspective we can see that it is inherent in society and most people’s lives. That what we have normalised as behaviours or accepted as part of life, is truly, in fact, abuse. We are living the opposite of what we are; gentle and tender loving beings.

”in a fit of frustration, rolling our eyes and criticising our friends, family or colleagues” what is so true about this is that we have always been able to feel this, even from a young age and have perpetuated and been complicit in the abuse by not saying no to it at the time as we could feel how awful it felt.

‘I can feel how self-loving it is to say no to a sarcastic or critical comment, as when I do I feel my body relax and the pockets of tension in my soft tissue release and unwind.’ I too have had this experience and I fully agree that I feel my body relax when doing so.

I can attest to that too Michelle. It is the naming and then renouncing that brings it first to the surface and then the healing can come straight after in the renouncing, especially in expressing the renouncing of it.

You are right – it is incredibly abusive what we do to each other and the level of abuse that is accepted and in many cases encouraged on the internet – the bigger the barney the more internet traffic – is quite staggering.
When freedom to abuse (usually referred to as ‘Freedom of Speech’) and commercial interests come together, the result is sheer, unadulterated hell for a very large number of people and it is getting steadily worse.
So far, most of the vociferous people are on the side of the abusers, by conviction or financial interest or both but they will also steadily be engulfed by the torrent of abuse that the internet has become.

Thank you for adding this very valid comment Christoph. It is a set up where hate and abuse are amplified, enjoined and escalated; the traffic attracts advertisers so the abuse is rewarded. In this case of cyber abuse, because the abuse is so prevalent, and so insidious the freedom of speech line is not appropriate to be applied. Once we get over that hurdle, we can develop a more respectful and civilized protocol for the Internet.

This blog has opened up so much in how we have normalised and desensitised ourselves to abuse from young. I am curious as to why and how the very first hurt was not felt for what it is and corrected there and then. Why have we got into this pattern of repeating hurt after hurt? When we have proof that starting with hurt and abuse only creates more of the same.

This is such an important topic, one that we rarely stop to sit down and discuss. In that these actions and words become normalised and brushed over, yet the reality is far from that. As you have pointed out, many of us hold onto these events, these hurts, and they lay dormant within for decades, gently simmering beneath the surface. This form of abuse in endemic in our society and we need to shine a bright light on it, right now.

Thank you for sharing, what a great blog showing how much we inadvertently have made abuse normal and acceptable. It starts out with small comments and then before we know it we find ourselves making comments which are directly aimed at bringing down another. It is quite scary when I think back to what has come out of my mouth. I still catch myself at times when I say something and feel how horrible it was. This happens I find when something I have not wanted to look at is triggered so it comes from a reaction to a buried hurt. The more we deal with our hurts the less likely we are to react as much. We need to call out abuse for what it is and not let things fester as they can stay with us for many many years affecting the way we are with ourselves and others.

Great point Joel Levin which shows just how normalised abuse can become that it even becomes a cultural trait that is even prized or championed. This Australian trait of ‘putting down’ someone else to me feels linked to being competitive and having the last word. I can remember many emotional scars from this almost constant ‘banter’ at school and at home when I was growing up. You just learn to have a tough skin and a quick sharp tongue but maybe this kind of normalised behaviour sows the seeds for more extreme forms of abuse like cyber abuse and domestic violence etc because it desensitises us?

Yes it’s so normalised and I agree very damaging to confirm and cement such rubbish about others and yourself. And I am always amazed when I compliment myself and thus don’t play the put down game, it always gets a look of surprise as if I am talking in a foreign language. The world needs more appreciation of self and others.

This is a ripper of a blog…
To suggest that emotional abuse is more impactful than physically hitting someone would scratch some heads.
However in everything that is said I can say I have experienced similar.

Yes Luke, I can say the same too – I have experienced this too, partially in my own life however mainly when I work with people. The psychological/emotional abuse is at times much harder to recognise by the people affected by it, then the obvious physical abuse being dished out. As Abby says – both totally and utterly unacceptable, as both deliver unmeasurable harm.

This is so true, “When they tell me about childhood emotional traumas – it can be 30, 40 or 50 years ago –they still cry as they retell these moments from when they were little.” It is so clear from my own personal experience and observing clients in work that it is the emotional and psychological abuse that leave the biggest imprint. There is so much happening without the use of words in our interaction, our intention towards another can be abusive, I have no doubt I have felt it and dumped it on another myself. Learning to be aware of these hurts and behaviours, and learning to let go of these hurts has allowed me to enjoy my body so much more. It has become more flexible and I have all round increased wellbeing and vitality. It is a complete body experience not just a cerebral activity, true healing, heals the whole body.

This is one powerful blog that brings home the message that abuse in any shape or form always comes from a personal hurt in some form or another. This abuse is not just ‘out there’ on the Internet in such a way that it does not relate to us personally in our reality of our day to day lives. Just because it is in cyber space does not make the abuse any less abusive than that of what happens in physical reality. In fact it is far more invasive and far more harmful to receive abuse in this way and it can permeate through many more aspects of our lives and be seen by far more people.

I normalized abuse, it became a way to live – I just accepted it was okay to be treated that way , I didn’t think I was worth anything else, by others and myself. Very sad but true, this is the same for people across the world every single day, we accept this is just how we have to live, but this is not the case. Serge Benhayon has shown us there is a true way to live and be with ourselves and all others, one that is deeply loving, honoring and caring.

I actually chose abusive relationships for a very long time, it is only now recently I am not longer willing to stand by and be abused, this can be in very fine details as the way in which someone speaks to me, it doesn’t have to be a punch, it can be even someone leaving the kitchen door open out to the cold, and saying no to abusive ways I am with myself. This can be negative self bashing thoughts, how I eat, move, walk, the way I prepare my bed and so much more. The more I learn to deeply care for myself the more abuse stands out.

I agree Gyl that the key to definitely becoming more aware and less accepting of abuse from others is to work on being less self-abusive. I have always found it a bit strange and a tad hypocritical to confront someone else if they are being abusive if I am still being abusive to myself! The thing is we do clock everything so there is a lot less power in someone saying no to abuse if they clearly look like they do not take care of themselves.

This blog made me realise how abusive behaviours are ‘normalised’ from a young age. We overlook the fact that every action / thought can either heal or harm, and how much more loving it is ( both for ourselves and others) not to react to, or criticise another.

This is the key and one that is very easy to teach really, from a young age up and continuing, whether any thought word or action is healing or harming. If we embrace that, live that and teach that then this could go a long way pretty fast in making a difference how people will be with each other.

It is so simple how you show Anonymous that turning a blind eye to abuse is actually the same energy of abuse, and in ignoring it we enjoin. Whilst there might seem to be an escape of sorts by being quiet or ‘unaware’, the abuse is running through our lives just the same. An inspiring blog to highlight this and ask us to all consider the many situations and places we currently agree to abusive energy. No more.

‘As I have returned to being more naturally gentle and self-caring, I have started to say No to any emotional abuse – in the way I am with others and the way they are with me.’
I have also experienced this and my level of care for myself seems to reflect the level of care and respect that I expect from others. It seems to just get deeper and deeper.

That is so true, Anonymous, that we have become ignorant to abuse, because we got used to it as something “normal”. So true that e.g. rolling the eyes is a form of violence that hurts deeply and can last and be added in a person. Wow this grade of sensitivity against abuse is really important and inspiring. To observe in the relationship with oneself and everyone else.

Thank you for this article. What you share here cuts deep for all of us. I was supply teaching today in a secondary school with a class of year 7s (11 years old) and the amount of abuse they were hurling at each other was awful. I kept one of the boys behind to talk to him about it. He told me that his mother had told hm that when someone is nasty to him he has to do it right back – so he was actively encouraged to be hurtful even though he was clearly wounded by the comments thrown at him. When I asked him why didn’t he talk to his teachers about it he said that they didn’t bother to do anything about it and there was no point. As an adult to let this kind of behaviour pass with no comment to me is totally irresponsible and yet as you share has become so normalised that it is not even considered. Yet we must consider it as the damage it does is immeasurable and devours trust, openness and loving expression.

Your example shows the day to day reality for so many children of how normalized abuse is and how we as adults almost don’t know there is another way. Like we have given up and accepted our hardened way of being and deny the incredible sensible human beings we are. Thank God you, the writer of this blog and others are there to reflect there is another way to deal with this.

This is a great article and presents much in way of what takes places in our world and deemed normal. I have experienced much in this world similarly to this so I can really appreciate the changes that I have made which naturally has a domino affect.

I love anonymous what you have shared about the rawness of people sharing hurts that are 30, 40, 50 years old. I too have cried from hurts that are more than 40 years old, the barb of abusive words, careless mocking caught deep inside my being – no barb that a surgeon could see and remove to help me heal. Although invisible, the effects of those barbs have been as real, seeping steady poison through my being and rendering me blind to abuse that passes for perfectly reasonable and even funny behaviour in this world of ours. Remove the barbs, and steadily full sight starts to returns. The sensitivity re-awakens, and with it the voice to call out the ugliness in its entirety.
Thank you Anonymous – a worthy anonymity indeed to protect clients and not the anonymity of the skulking online abuser.

The love and freedom experienced in your body when you describe saying no to abuse, feels so nurturing, “I have returned to being more naturally gentle and self-caring, I have started to say No to any emotional abuse – in the way I am with others and the way they are with me. I can feel how self-loving it is to say no to a sarcastic or critical comment” Even the smallest comment therefore needs to be caught and called out, lest it stays in our body as a hurt. Thank you anonymous

What an excellent point you make. I remember too having a pivotal experience after a Serge Benhayon presentation about ten years ago. Prior to that I used to get incredibly impatient when I had to wait in queues and then at times express that frustration in my manner when I was served. The day after a presentation about energetic responsibility and how we all affect each other I had to wait ages in a queue at Telstra to be served by a young man. As I stood in the queue instead of getting into a rant, I became aware of how sensitive and stressed this young man was and how hard he was trying to serve everyone and how my being emotional would harm him. With that awareness I connected to a love and stillness in myself and as I settled into that felt the tension that was in the shop ease for everyone and a feeling of more space. This was a revelatory moment for me and it was very joyful and empowering to connect to my energetic responsibility in everything I do and how I conduct myself.

That is a beautiful story Nicola. It is so easy to get stuck in self and it is all about why am I having to wait so long in the queue and what a waste of my time it is. When we step outside of ourselves and see the bigger picture, as you describe it becomes about everyone. It is no one’s fault there is a queue, and the young man serving everyone should not have to deal with a queue full of people’s emotions and frustration. We are all responsible for ourselves and how we are and when we step into energetic awareness, we have the power to change the world.

Gorgeous example Nicola and so confirming of the power one single person has on so many others. I recently experienced something similar when doing an exam where the whole group of 100+ people was very nervous, stressed and anxious about the exam. Sitting there in stillness, feeling fragile, tender and actually joyful to see my fellow students had an impact on the room, so much so that afterwards all the teachers were taken by surprise of how many people had passed this exam.

This is a truly healing and revolutionary article. We need to take full responsibility to feel every level of abuse which we interact with in our day as energetically the impact on our bodies is as you say the same; it is important to then call it out and say no to it. This is so honouring for ourselves. To response without reaction is key but that’s okay, it is a work in progress and as the stored hurts in our bodies release due to the expression, so the expression will become detached and less reactionary.

Its terrible how much we put up with and accept form others and ourselves, in putting each other down with derogatory comments, often under the guise of humor but it doesn’t feel funny and in fact hurts our sensitive nature.

This is a great conversation to have, to build awareness around this subject. I can understand why this was an area of self care that took time to come around to because it means looking at our own emotional abuse, both of ourselves and then towards others. It was modeled to me as I was growing up as normal, as I am sure it is for most. Just losing it emotionally, either in overwhelm, frustration or anger. Or the one that I am still healing today was the humour that puts others down, the laugh at someone else’s expense. It feels awful and I am no longer willing to participate, nor to find jokes in sarcasm or ‘dry humour’. The more I address these expressions in myself, the more I find I can say no to emotional abuse when it comes my way.

I have a 7 year old daughter and I see the patterns kicking in young of going into protection and slinging verbally hurtful comments in emotional reactions. The more I address and heal this within myself, the more I can hold her when she does it to me and show her another way by my non-reaction or by my holding steady in not accepting hers.

Anonymous it’s so true that the emotional hurts stay with people for most of their lives unless they heal them. I often hear people say how normal it is for siblings to fight and hear how mean they can be with one another. But, because it’s so called ‘normal,’ it is accepted and allowed to go unchecked. I also hear how children then young people and then adults are asked to ‘man up’ and not be so sensitive – children fear being called a girl or cry baby. Standing by oneself and feeling ones hurts when being asked to not feel them is actually very courageous. And also very sane because I know those undealt with hurts can motivate all sorts of crazy behaviours!

This blog is brilliant in exposing the fact that so many of us have come to accept certain abuse as normal because we see it in our everyday life. It seems that it takes sever cases of abuse for us to recognise it. How often do we see or experience abuse and dismiss it, do nothing about it, let it settle and cover it up as if it didn’t happen? Abuse comes in many, many forms. What I have learnt is that, if I don’t speak up about abuse then I am agreeing with it. We all deep down recognise abuse from a young age and we may have experienced many forms of it, but it’s never too late to stand up and stop it when it happens to us or see it inflicted on others. The more we stand up to abuse the more we are saying to the world that any form of abuse no matter how small is simply not acceptable. This brings more awareness to what we are doing to each other, how so many of us are choosing to allow our hurts to drive us to hurt others, which becomes a vicious cycle of abuse. We can choose to start taking responsibility for our every action, choice and behaviour.

The subtly of abuse in our everyday is something that has occurred to me recently. It is amazing what we accept as normal and will go from one relationship, be it any type of relationship to another with low grade lack of self worth and have the similar flavor of loveless behavior metered out. This goes both ways as you say. It feels Yuk, so speaking up and saying that is a start to open up a more loving and supportive conversation – and this feels great.

I can relate to what you say anonymous having being bullied at school and to my shame bullied back in defense. Certainly the scarring is worse than physical pain and cyber-bullying does not lessen the pain and the scarring just because it is over the Internet.

You have highlighted in this blog the subtleties we find in abuse, the rolling of eyes and the comment which comes with a put down. The comments made or put out as funny but which are clearly meant to put you down. None of which is acceptable and saying so is the only way to bring about change for ourselves and the opportunity to change for others.

There is a lot in this blog for us all so thank you Anonymous. One of our human rights is free speech, but this should not mean open slather of abuse such as we have seen in cyber bullying, Abuse should be removed completely from free speech. Saying no to abuse may not stop the abuser from continuing but it sure stops it from “getting in” and affecting you.

Anonymous this is such a powerful piece of expression that really exposes the truth of the many layers of abuse that we all knowingly allow because we have some how deemed it “normal”. When you begin to explore abuse in this way it begins to unravel how much we have accepted that which is not true and how through our expression we absolutely make a choice to either harm or heal. There is true responsibility in the way we express with each other in every moment and to begin to see the hurts we hold within are not an excuse to express to another in a harmful way. A beautiful, insightful piece.

So true, Simon. We have all allowed this way of interacting, so now we have to make the changes and say ‘no’. ‘No’ to intellectual and emotion abuse. ‘No’ to any type of abuse from others, and especially ‘no’ to any small way that we may abuse others.

I agree Simon, it is crazy the degree to which we have as a society normalised this kind of abuse. Calling emotional and psychological abuse for what it is is a great step in calling it out as the unacceptable and totally unnecessary thing that it is.

Your blog Anon. has led me to reflect on my relationship growing up and what was deemed as ‘normal’ tantalising each other, always using humour to communicate really wasn’t true connection and now I would consider abuse. At the time, it was what every one did, so I also played along. Deep down I always felt that this wasn’t OK, however I never spoke up about it, or if I did it was quickly dismissed. With the level of self-care and love that I have for myself, I no longer accept that from of expression as ‘my normal’.

It is interesting Anon how there is abuse everywhere in all pockets of our life but that we have accepted this as norm even the so called small areas of abuse like rolling the eyes. I feel being aware and having an understanding of what IS abuse is the first step and then calling it out to make the abusers aware of their behaviours which sends a message that it is unacceptable to be treating people in this manner. Maybe then abuse will decrease and Love for one another will be the norm.

A strong and simple piece of writing: “As I have returned to being more naturally gentle and self-caring, I have started to say No to any emotional abuse – in the way I am with others and the way they are with me.” As we value ourselves more, appreciating and caring for ourselves, it only makes sense that we accept less so anything that is not true especially if it is intended to harm us.

Emotional abuse can also be very subtle, , it can even be presented as a joke, with other people finding it hilarious but leaving one person the butt of the joke. It’s cruel and if you bring it to the jokers attention they always brush it off with can’t you take a joke or I was only joking which is further abuse as your claim was ridiculous and stop having any feelings. This is treating one lesser and they are left feeling very hurt and not heard. The games we play!

Where I am from, and in the family that I grew up in, sarcasm is a normal part of life and something I hardened up against and also became very good at. But after getting involved with universal medicine and learning about being self-loving, I could no longer be sarcastic with people. It just didn’t feel right anymore. And I also realised that when I let myself feel it, any sarcasm directed at me felt pretty horrible as well. Sarcasm can be so normalised and be seen as part of having a good sense of humour, but in actual fact it’s just another form of abuse. When connected to our tender, loving selves, there is no room for that kind of behaviour.

What really stood out in this blog is how it is true that I and others have become immune to the abuse due to the hurts of our childhood. As I write this, tears are welling in my tears on the recollection of hurts from growing up as one of 8 children where there was a great of meanness to each other. I can see how these unresolved hurts contribute to people being abusive instead of just admitting it hurts when we are not treated with a deep love and care from another.

This is so true, Sharon. I have eight brothers and sisters and we all had nick names which on reflection had nasty undertones when used. I can still feel the hurt with my nick name but at the time we just accepted this as being normal and nothing was done to discourage us using them. This form of self abuse can start at a very early age.

It’s true as a society there is much abuse that we have allowed to fester and escalate under the banner of ‘freedom of speech’ and also through not being honest about how much harm words can do. Every “little” bit helps – through voicing when things feel abusive it helps to de-normalise it and open up the way for change.

“….that we are all sensitive and feel things all the time…” seems to hit the nail on the head Anonymous, and the key word I feel is ‘sensitive’. I am learning that it is not only the female of our species that is sensitive, the menfolk are just as sensitive but society has proclaimed that they must ‘harden up’. What an imbalanced way of being it seems that we have created this recipe of differences between us all – how totally ludicrous when one considers that we come from love in the first place, from the effluvia of God’s breath. How is it one has to wonder how folk especially within a single family of a handfull of people can play such a harmful and dastardly part in destroying the senstive fabric of us. I thank God that Serge Benhayon has chosen to be here as a true Messenger, sharing with us that there is another way – The Way of the Livingness, a way of Truth, Harmony and Joy and that this expression and experience is but a choice away for each one of us. Thank you for sharing your story – there is much for us to ponder upon in our own expression of our lives.

This is an awesome expose of what abuse truly is. We are all aware of the more ‘out there’ abuse – the physical and verbal abuse, the bully and cyber bully, but this exposes the more subtle forms of abuse as well that can easily go unnoticed unless we are finely tuned in to our bodies. Our body responds/reacts to everything so anything that is not loving our body will always let us know in one way or another – we just need to be aware of our bodies and listen to those messages.

There appears to be a belief in our society that, because someone is our brother or sister, that we can be rude to them. The relationship is fixed, there is no threat that they will leave, so we don’t bother to develop that relationship and the way some siblings speak to each other or how they treat each other is incredibly abusive, in a way that we would never accept from a stranger.

I agree Carmel, we would never accept the level of abuse by a stranger in the same way we do accept it form our family and siblings. Aren’t we the most affected by disharmony and abuse in our families? The question is why do we allow or do this?

I am really enjoying reading this blog Anonymous – it is a great exposure of how many forms abuse there are that are just perceived as the ‘normal’ way to behave. It occurs to me that it would be great and far more responsible if producers of popular TV soap’s could deliver a completely different quality in their programmes and reflect to people that life does not have to be either aggressive or abusive.
“When do we numb ourselves from this type of hurt and virtually say to ourselves and others that this form of intellectual and emotional abuse is OK? This got me thinking; do we consider that in a fit of frustration, rolling our eyes and criticising our friends, family or colleagues could be labelled as abuse too – and that we have accepted it as part of ‘normal’ living?”

“Years later I learnt that burying these hurts caused more emotional harm than a physical punch to the body.” That is something I had been dealing with for a very long time. Because physical pain/ abuse was provable. So actually any form of abuse was deeply felt, But when expressed people had a chance to talk it down, call it normal etc. The moment I started to accept my fragility, my vulnerability and the fact that there was no one to say “yes, it’s abusive” but me. And I set the “normal” for me. Then some might call me squeamish – but again: it’s what “they” say. Important is only me honoring my feelings, being honest with them and if needed express them. that’s the only way to stop abuse or at least support to reconfigure “normal”.

This article really struck home, how we talk and are with ourselves sets the standard of abuse that we will tolerate out there. We are deeply sensitive and we feel everything and reading this today I can feel how as a child I pushed this down as I heard that ‘you have to take a joke’ or ‘don’t be precious’ and of course the other one ‘don’t make a fuss’ – all designed to ignore the hurt and to not address the abuse allowed, and in many cases I then meted this out to others. So what you raise here is crucial, if we decide we will no longer accept this, we set the stage for what others get too, we clear the deck for all of us to feel and honour our sensitivity.

This awesome blog has made me look more deeply at how absolutely abnormal and abusive even the supposedly smallest step away from loving behaviour is, not just towards or from others but also, in the way I am with myself.

Yes, Jeanette. The abuse and harm we cause another is an extension of the unloving ways with which we treat ourselves. The first step is to take responsibility for this all-important relationship with self, and accept that what we engender in ourselves is what those around us energetically receive from us.

I agree Jeanette, I find it starts with myself, my thoughts and how I am looking after myself. If I do not take care of myself then I cannot take care of others and that manifests itself with unloving actions.

It is very true that when we start to honour ourselves through a greater connection with our bodies and a more self-nurturing way of living, then any form of intellectual, emotional or psychological abuse is immediately and most profoundly felt in the body. By saying no to the abuse at that point, the trauma in the body can be released through that expression, enabling us to restore harmony to our body. Your blog is a great reminder that something as simple as a gesture or a look can be a form of abuse towards another and that this is deeply felt by the recipient, therefore requiring us to be truly responsible for our behaviour towards others always.

Rolling our eyes or pulling a face at someone is definitely abuse – we might like to dismiss it as minor and inconsequential, but it is utterly dismissive and dishonouring of another person and we can all remember those moments for a long time after.

Just recently I was talking to someone and they just didn’t want to hear what I had to say, so I firmly but as gentle as I could told them that you haven’t let me finish my explanation and the gesture of rolling the eyes and looking away spoke volumes and it was clear that the person didn’t want to hear what I had to say and very quickly after I had finished dismissed my suggestion. You are right Gabriele, we do remember these gestures. In this case it was very obvious but I am sure there are more subtle facial/body gestures of being dismissive that we pick up daily.

This is what caught my eye too Gabriele, a pulling of a face or a rolling of our eyes is being dismissive dishonouring of another person. Once we really feel the meaning behind certain words and gestures we can feel how abusive they really are, they may seem subtle and inoffensive but their harm and intent is very much felt.

Eye rolling is so dismissive and as much as I’m cringing, it is something I have used when I haven’t wanted to feel and express in full in the moment. Eye rolling comes from judging what’s been seen or said, and dismisses it. I did this a few weeks ago with a colleague and it left my body feeling physically tight and hard. And now I’m realising how the other person must have felt. It is abuse, and it is something we’ve all either dished out or received and accepted. No more.

An insightful article and something that caught my attention was the ‘rolling eyes’. I agree this is a form of abuse – it’s subtle, yet it can be very cutting.

Subtle forms of expression can be extremely hurtful and damaging to the recipient and take some time to get over (or buried deeply).

For example, the unwise use and context of the words ‘however’ or ‘yet’ or ‘but’. “You’re results are great, ‘however’ it’s a pity your Maths mark wasn’t higher”. “A great painting, ‘yet’ it could have been better if you added some more red.” “Love your suit ‘but’ shame about the shoes”. Quite deflating.

When we are on the receiving end, I agree that no matter how ‘subtle’ it may feel – it is important for us to let the other know, with love, that their words are not acceptable.

Whether we are delivering or receiving a message, it appears that discernment is the key.

Anonymous it was fascinating to read your article as I have only just started to really hear the name calling that happens in my own home. It is done out of supposed fun and up until recently I have never really ‘heard’ it and yet now when I hear it, it stands out as being quite awful and I have spoken up about how it feels to me. I agree with you that criticizing is very normal and accepted in our society, people spend an incredible amount of time criticizing and moaning about others, which negatively contributes not only to the situation in hand but to everything else, as everything is connected.

Emotional abuse is hurting us deeply, and is that what we let happen so easily. I can feel how powerful it is to say no, and truly honour that what we feel inside, that those actions are not okay and that we can say no, true self care indeed.

To understand what intellectual and emotional abuse is we have to feel how we have allowed it, even how we have abused. It is a great lesson to realise that we have had a part to play and it is then that we can heal this and make choices that do not allow abuse.

Every single person in this world is, at the core of their essence, a very sensitive being, and in one way or another feels the hurt from any sort of abuse, often hardening to protect themselves. We have, as a society, had blinkers on as to what constitutes abuse, and have come to accept so much as normal. You have illustrated so clearly that abuse comes in many forms, some very easy to identify and some in the smallest ways. Thank you for beginning this conversation; it is definitely time for abuse and the harm it inflicts to be exposed.

The normalisation of abuse is great to expose for it is prolific and all around us and largely ignored… but never not felt. This is absolutely something that needs constant addressing by people who will no longer accept it in any form and therefore show others another way to be with each other that is profoundly more loving and respectful.

Abuse in very different ways is happening in all areas from home to work to school to shopping centre etc and the list can go on. It is almost like the common norm for what decency is, reducing each time people decide to act in a way that is further from that tenderness we were born with – and then we harden, numb and react to not feel it.

Hear hear Samantha, with you all the way on this. Most people have resigned to abuse as being their lot in life — they don’t even realise it’s abuse. Instead it’s ‘life’. To stand back and not express is not offering others the opportunity to see that abuse is not a natural part of life, it is an aberration, a corruption and filth we have allowed by not standing up for love and truth, that each of us know innately from the depths of our own bodies.

This is a great point Samantha. The more we can connect to truth and say no the more this inspires others to also do that. I find often that people don’t even think too much about it as it has become such the norm.

This blog to me explains so well how we end up with cyber abuse or other forms of obvious abusive behaviour that we do not like. We can in fact feel everything that is going on and so if we assume that anything we feel from another person that feels hurtful is ok then we are saying yes to abuse which then normalises it and so we end up with more and more extreme forms of it.

As you testify, Anonymous, through the inspiration of Serge Benhayon and Universal has shown you how to let go of your hardness and to re-connect to your true and natural gentle loving self. This inspiration is leading the Way to break the mold that to survive we have to harden ourselves to protect our true nature and instead real protection and strength actual resides in the gentleness and transparency of love of true nature. That in fact hardness is false and actually fuels the hurt.

This is so true that as toddlers we are very sensitive and react to the slightest feeling of a rebuff. Move on a few years and we behave like animals fighting. It’s a journey where we toughen up to the harsh way the world behaves that is so untrue. It’s brilliant to have this pointed out how it happens and we all play the horrid game until we see how it happens. Calling it out exposes it for what it is and for all to notice it.

A great blog, and lovely to hear this, ‘As I have returned to being more naturally gentle and self-caring, I have started to say No to any emotional abuse – in the way I am with others and the way they are with me.’

I know the sarcastic and critical comments so well from young and I even liked the cruel sense of humour, at least I thought I liked it. I now know and allow myself to feel the abuse and the effect it has on my body expressing like that or be at the receiving end. It brought a lot up in me when I decided to not accept this anymore from myself and others. It is really a very loving gesture to myself and my body and to others to say no, work in progress for sure but amazing to feel space coming back in my body.

‘I have learned how and why I do things, from observing myself and others in a detached and curious way.’ Finding out how I operate and what makes me do certain things has been life changing. Before I just used to say its just who I am. I have learnt that much of what I thought was me was in fact stuff I had been fed and taken on. It’s been great to start shedding the layers of falseness I have taken on. All this has started as a result of attending Universal Medicine workshops that have presented there is another way to live that give me back my power through making simple self loving choices.

“In asking myself why I didn’t react with outrage, I realised one of the reasons was that I had normalized this type of intellectual and emotional abuse from when I was young.” And herein lies the problem, because we have been abused from a young age it becomes “normal” and we learn to abuse and hurt others without even thinking about it, in this way it continues to be “normal” and so continues to flourish in society.

You bring up such a huge subject here. I can relate to all that you say, as I have had that hardening due to abuse in my childhood and especially teenage years, but I also have accepted it as normal, as unavoidable, as something you put up with in this world, so much so that I have accepted it in the supposedly most loving relationship which is a partner. I need a lot of gentleness and self love to accept that I have recently taken in that kind of lashing off from the closest person in my life, and did not respond until a few hours later, or sometimes never. I have learned to not give it to others, but I still accept it for me, it is something that is still in my cells, gradually seeing it for what it is, and choosing to stop it when I am aware of it. Saying no to abuse is a learning process, and I guess feeling the effect in my body can show me the way, if I make the choice of being more loving and not accumulating hurts and contraction.

‘In my 30 years of working as a health professional I have learnt from thousands of clients that it is precisely these emotional hurts that are far more damaging than the physical ones’ – I had no idea this was the case, but it makes so much sense. Something I observe at school is that although yes there are physical fights from time to time and I know of some relationships that have been physically abusive, nothing compares to the sheer amount of emotional abuse and cyber abuse that occurs between everyone, be it in relationships and friendships, or with family, acquaintances or strangers. I’ve seen just how this can affect someone – so many of the people in my year self harm, some have attempted suicide, and more often than not it is the emotional or online abuse that slowly gets to them, that they can’t escape because the bruise doesn’t just ‘fade’ it stays in there mind for a long time.

This blog is very revealing of those behaviours that most would consider just the way people are with each other but why would a naturally tender and loving heart have the need to make someone feel less in any way, shape or form?

Anonymous, this is a very important account – Thank you. I have seen families where the abuse that went on in childhood went beyond repair – because this was not dealt with there and then by the entire family, as grown ups they were still carrying the hurts, the judgments, the jealousy and comparison to such an extent that they were unable to relate to each other at all.

Yea Eva, it’s not uncommon. Even if niceties are played out it’s easy to tell when there is a hidden agenda between family members. It’s sad really, as family is loving, yet not doing something about our hurts means our relationships turn into poison.

Thank you for exposing the many subtle layers of abuse that exist through becoming accepted in our society. ‘I learnt that burying these hurts caused more emotional harm than a physical punch to the body.’ – this is very important point to consider. As the only grossly obvious and physical forms of abuse are considered as such and acted on whereas we allow a more sinister and underhanded form of abuse go unnoticed, through our lack of sensitivity and awareness. This may not appear to be a hit to the physical body but it is a hit all the same aimed at the being within the body and loaded with intention to harm. If it is not loving it is abuse and it’s harming and our bodies know it and show it.

It is amazing how when we are not wanting to feel the extent of what is going on around us in our day to day that is harmful and disharmonious we do this by switching off and what feels like desensitising. The truth is that one can not de-sensitise, everyone one is feeling energy all the time so instead a blocking out process occurs. To do this the body has to harden to a certain extent. Its a rather crazy process as we are not protecting ourselves from anything. All is being felt but by not consciously clocking it we are not then doing anything about it so have to continue to endure what doesn’t feel ok.

Yes, we can read people all the time and sometimes we dismiss what we feel only to discover later that our ‘first impression’ was correct. Allowing our awareness to develop, allowing the sensitivity to guide us, means we are deeply honouring ourselves.

Yes, thank you Carmel. I do this often. I doubt myself when I think I’ve felt something a bit off, out of a need to protect myself from feeling the hurt of it. Pointless really because then I’m left with a hurt I have created myself by not honouring what I felt in the first place which creates a tension that didn’t need to be there.

I can so relate to when you say Anonymous – ” I can feel how self-loving it is to say no to a sarcastic or critical comment, as when I do I feel my body relax and the pockets of tension in my soft tissue release and unwind.” I can also feel that and it is very liberating and empowering when we can observe our bodies responding in such a loving way, when we truly are being self-loving and renouncing all that that is not.

“We are all born naturally sensitive, gentle and tender and none of us start off name slinging and criticizing when we are toddlers. Many children lose touch with this natural gentle tenderness as they get older. It seems like adults and parents accept as normal the competition, fighting and name calling.” This is so true, because they as children were subjected to the same – and then grew into adults who normalised this behaviour. It is time for us all to wake up and call it out – in a sensitive way of course, so that this abuse no longer continues.

Absolutely agree, sueq2012, parents accept that their children will be competitive, fight with their siblings etc., all as normal behaviour. That is how they also were brought up. Until we realise that this is not the way we should be living, and bring up our children to remain the gentle, tender, sensitive beings that they are born, and to respect and love their siblings, with no wish to hurt them, physically and psychologically, then we are not going to change things in this world. Of course, it must start with us, we need to get back to the gentle, tender, sensitive beings that we truly are within, to then live this out in the world. It can be done, and those of us who realise this have to lead the way.

When I read this blog I reflected on so many incidences in live of seeing others and feeling it myself of where we numb ourselves to not feel the extent of whats going on around us. In the playground at school, insensitive remarks from teachers, within families, friendships, uncaring situations at work. In doing this, not feeling the extent of the harm we are in effect giving the unsavoury behaviour permission to not only continue but often escalate.

True Katie, we often don’t dare let ourselves feel the extent to what’s going on around us, your list is spot in that it goes way back, the abuse and those small hurts we pick up along the way through life change the way we behave and the way would otherwise naturally be. Holding onto hurts stops us from feeling and keeps us from own worthiness, truth, joy and love.

We seem to be very much de-sensitized. To re-awaken our sensitivity brings back the awareness and honesty of what it feels like to not be loving with each other; of course that brings back some of the pain we have numbed so that we can heal it.

Yesterday I immediately called up someone I was working with when he laughed at me inappropriately. I named his laughter abusive. He simply stopped laughing and nothing more was said. So simple to say it as it is.

It is incredible the degree of abuse we allow in every form within society. We are bombarded with abuse from every angle let alone the abuse we direct at ourselves. The measures of abuse and what is tolerated, accepted and what we readily turn a blind eye to is far from true. If we do not address the abuse and harm in every pocket whether great or slight, the abuse stands as a false foundation to be accepted and normalised when each and every expression of abuse is harming us all.

What you have expressed here, Deborah, makes me realise what a huge responsibility I have to really investigate all those little pockets of abuse, and call them out for what they are. For far too long, I have been blind to where I have been abusing myself and also where I have been abusing others. It is so crazy how we have chosen to think that these abusive behaviours are just normal human behaviour.

I love this article anonymous. Thank you. I Recently injured myself and found that increased sensitivity to what I feel was a welcome side affect of feeling the fragility and preciousness of my body. This has allowed me to feel and see abuse that I would have accepted in the past. A wonderful gift and marker of how sensitive I truly am.

An amazing and very needed blog anonymous. Thank you for sharing. It is so true that emotional hurts stem far deeper and some are locked and held onto for so long getting pounded on and added to over the years.
Self care and self awareness has been such a blessing to discovering how tender I am and to understand why I hardened in the past and still at times today to protect my sensitive self. But this is not the way. My tenderness holds all the protection I have ever yearned for. Now that I know my divineness and the right to be treated with love, I support myself and claim this more each day.
Thanks to Serge Benhayon and his very simple yet extremely true presentations and reflection.

I have been feeling recently that when I disconnect from myself and allow the internal dialogue to take hold (even if what is being said is not overtly abusive) it feels horrible and is a form of abuse. Words are so much more powerful than we allow ourselves to accept.

Lately I have been pulling kids up when they go into name calling and mocking each other. They argue it’s harmless and that everyone does it. But it is not ok. I remember watching two siblings present and one of them made a comment that would “normally” lead to the other making a mocking comment – it was a perfect opening that a sibling would usually jump on. But the other responded with such love and I realised in that moment that mocking people, even in jest is hurtful and harming. It is not a natural way for siblings to grow up mocking each other and it doesn’t have to be the way.

This is such a powerful example Nikki McKee of how love is far more powerful than any emotional reactive abusive comment we could ever come up with. Inside us all is a powerhouse of great wisdom and love and it should be normal for us to grow up feeling that we are allowed to express it all in full to everyone in our lives. Instead we feel that we must close up, hide, and react to the things around us that we feel hurt by.

This is true Nikki and something I observe in men a lot. Their way of showing affection is to make fun of each other, and it is funny when you are the one making the joke but not so funny when you are on the end of the joke. Yet, they defend it and tolerate it as “good humour” because without that banter they feel they have no other option to show their affection. Crazy that we have allowed abuse to become a way of showing affection.

Totally agree Nikki. Its not natural for us to be in a situation where we could be creating tension between each other, or having a reductionist version of a relationship, where mocking comments are normal but this is reducing the love that is naturally there. A naturally loving relationship, between friends, partners and colleagues should never be about making each other tense, even slightly.

‘This got me thinking; do we consider that in a fit of frustration, rolling our eyes and criticising our friends, family or colleagues could be labelled as abuse too – and that we have accepted it as part of ‘normal’ living?’ For me now, with the understanding I now have thanks to Universal Medicine, I do feel that even eye-rolling, tutting etc. is a form of abuse and not acceptable. But what is interesting and can be challenging, is when this expressed to someone who may not have this awareness, the fact that this is considered by the vast majority to be ‘normal living’ means that you are often viewed as being over-sensitive, extreme etc. That I find this challenging does expose a need in me to be accepted, but it also reflects just how de-sensitised we, humanity as a whole have become. If we detach from the need for acceptance, through being more loving, honouring and caring of ourselves and therefore becoming full of ourselves, then this is when we start to change the world. For even if the person we are expressing to may not have thought about abuse being these relatively small things, if we hold steady within ourselves, unwavering and strong in our sensitivity, then it may just open up a chink in their protective armour, allowing their sensitivity to be felt and letting love both in and out.

We’ve normalised sarcastic and condescending comments in our society and yet the harm remarks such as these have on us is enormous. We pass the baton of you hurt me and I’ll hurt you back, I’ll hurt another and on it goes. We have a humanity en masse that is walking around numbed to the hurts they carry from this abuse. The internet is another realm where the abuse and complete disrespect that is allowed is magnified, under the cloak of anonymity and the ‘safe’ depersonalised distance of a computer screen. In all of this, we’ve disconnected from how sensitive and tender we actually all are and that abusive treatment is absolutely contrary to what we’re made of. But there’s an enormous given up-ness, a wanting to be made of steel, to toughen up and get on with it, and have the abuse wash off because, hey – it’s normal. It isn’t normal. It is rotten to the core and it’s obscene.

“I can feel how self-loving it is to say no to a sarcastic or critical comment, as when I do I feel my body relax and the pockets of tension in my soft tissue release and unwind.” Isn’t this a revealing observation for all to reflect on; in that most never consider the consequences at a physical level to themselves and or anyone else when negative expressions are thrown around.

Great point Oliver, using the body as a marker of truth. When I first started healing abuse, I was often unsure what was abusive or not, as expressed here by so many so many layers of abuse had just become normal. Through listening to my body, knowing how it would tense up when I was feeling abuse I slowly started to unravel what was truly not normal and actually very abusive.

This blog has given me the opportunity to feel how there are areas of intellectual and emotional abuse in my life – I have been addressing this lately but I can feel I can bring more awareness and expression to the moments that I let slide for the want of not getting a reaction or fully understanding how to deal with it. Thanks so much.

Emotional abuse is something I can very much relate to and created many strategies to not acknowledge what was really felt so that I didn’t have to feel the hurts of what others were expressing. The strategy I called on the most was to laugh it off and pretend that it didn’t hurt – it was so auto-pilot for me that when I first started to work on disarming this pattern it was quite challenging. But eventually with time I focused on building my true self-worth and allowed myself space to feel and say no to verbal abuse.

Recently I had an experience with someone I know who I hadn’t seen for awhile and they had a reaction and started being verbally abusive. It was so interesting to observe how without hesitation I responded very firmly by stating that it wasn’t ok to talk to me like he did. Reflecting on this situation was a great marker for me of how far I had come in honouring my worth and saying no to abuse.

This blog has really got me to realise how much more destructive these throw away comments actually are, and how un-true the saying: ‘sticks & stones can break our bones, but names will never hurt us’.
I too can remember fighting with my brother & sister, making such spiteful comments and after fights or being told off my mind going over and over situations, I’m realising that even those comments in my head feel terrible.
I like what you shared about saying no to sarcastic comments, this feels really important as otherwise it’s like you’re accepting that comment to be ok and even true. Every word counts…

There are so many levels to abuse from the oh so subtle ones such as talking negatively about ourselves to the gross such as cyberbulling. In the rejection of our own tenderness and sensitivity as we accumulate hurts it seems we become desensitized to such an extent that it somehow becomes okay not to speak out unless it is happening to us. Thank you anon for bringing such clarity to this subject and the need to speak out against abuse such as cyberbulling.

I second what you say Jenny. I am one of the people that have become desensitised to abuse that even though I see cyber-abuse as abuse, I have never felt the need to speak out against it. Yet if I was walking down the street and I heard someone comment as some comment on the internet with such vile ways, I would feel a definite strong reaction within myself. Yet when I see it on the internet I do not register the same kind of reaction. The internet has a way of depersonalising people, yet this form of abuse is just as personal as the type that happens face to face.

I love what you bring here Jenny, a responsibility we all hold to stay connected to our sensitivity and tenderness. It is so easy to blame another for our choices when really in every moment we have the opportunity to re-connect. We may want to believe this is difficult as it will serve us to avoid the inevitable, that we are all responsible for the life that we live, abuse and all.

So true that cyber bullying is an extension of the intellectual and emotional abuse that I have allowed to be part of my life since a child and by normalising this behaviour I have hardened myself to not feel the hurts from this and so fail to challenge it within myself and also in others. As I have gradually introduced self care routines into my life it feels great to be looking at this area and recognising the role it has played in my erecting barriers to try and stop myself being hurt further and that it is only by addressing these hurts am I able to start to dismantle my barriers and open myself up to feeling hurts and naming them in the moment.

It is true that physical hurts can heal quickly and obviously, but that emotional hurts stay with us. And as you share here – it feels to me that the reason is because we accept the physical and what we can see, but we can easily bury the emotional.
But to nominate this – to really talk about it, to keep expressing to people and say ‘hey you know what, how you spoke to me just then didn’t feel very nice’ – takes a lot of self love to do – but at the same time, how amazingly evolving is that! We really do sweep things under the rug when they ought to be discussed. We avoid rather than communicate – and yet this is what truly hurts us, in the end, and leads us to bury things and other people to walk away not knowing any different.

This blog has made it clear how normal abuse of any kind has become. I know I have hardly blinked an eyelid at abusive behaviour in the past. I like how you shared that it’s different when we are younger, then we grow up feeling hurts and so abuse becomes normal. I too agree that I would rather be punched then emotionally abused. Our emotional hurts are not much talked about.

And I guess the question that stands for us all now is, how much longer do we allow this? There are a group of people whom we all know, and are part of, who are currently living under this barrage of cyber-abuse every single day, be it directly or indirectly. Self-care support us to hold ourselves to take the next step, not to create a place to stop and permanently rest. We have work to do.

I don’t think many people consider sarcasm as hurtful, after all, those who are champions of it call it the highest for of wit. Yet I have always experienced it like a cat taking a swipe from behind a wall and then purring at their own amazingness while their victim is nursing their deep gash. I dislike sarcasm and as such won’t allow it in our house. It is really hard to spot as it has become so normal but the choice is there and the conversation has been started so now everyone knows exactly what they are doing when they use it and the nastiness it comes with.

Hi Lucy, I love how you have expressed this. I am still sarcastic from time to time, but whenever I am I can feel the grossness of it in my body, the tension and the dis-ease that comes with it. If we all come back to feeling our body – it actually isn’t really so hard to spot at all, because the feeling that comes with it is far from loving!

Becoming of aware of where we let in abuse on any level is life changing. Supporting ourselves to express it is vital. The abuse of ourselves is also very insidious and often the most damaging; it confirms us in accepting abuse on any level.

As you so shrewdly observe the body’s messages to us are always of truth, our bodies simply cannot lie, but I have come to realises that we do have a liar inside us, but this liar is definitely not our body, rather the mind is the tool it uses. As I learn to listen more and more to the wise truth my body provides me with, I am also learning to see through the lies that I tell myself. It was a huge shock to learn that I had this liar inside me, but now I have realised that the important thing is to catch it out and not let it get away with it any longer.

Abuse and what we accept in behaviour from ourselves and others has many layers and it’s not until we start really examining this do we see this. Like you I have asked myself why was I not outraged when I have seen close friends also being targeted by cyber abusers? This has lead me to look at what I have accepted as normal, but in truth is abusive. I have been shocked myself to be honest in how I have down graded myself. Saying NO to abuse supports us to say YES to ourselves because abuse is not our natural way and what we are seeing, reading and hearing that may be all too common place now is NOT who we are. Your blog shines a light on how the way we treat ourselves supports us to continually say YES to our natural way of being. Thank God for Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for showing us this and inspiring us through living a way where there is only love, so that there is no place for abuse of any kind.

Thank you Anonymous, for such a different take on what constitutes ‘abuse’ “do we consider that in a fit of frustration, rolling our eyes and criticising our friends, family or colleagues could be labelled as abuse too – and that we have accepted it as part of ‘normal’ living?” It is so obvious to me now, that I have been abusing others whenever I have judged others (especially my family) for how they may be choosing to do things. I have been abusing myself when I have refrained from letting people know how I feel about things. I have been abusing myself when I have judged myself, and I have been very good at that one. It is so exposing to see how we have so normalised the things that we do, that are actually abusive, but had not realised that they were abusive.

In our essence, we are love, and if we are to live that love, then we no longer will abuse ourselves, or others. This is such a wonderful realisation, and such a huge release as we learn to truly love ourselves, as well as all of humanity.

You inspire me to take my level of care much deeper as I can very much relate to what you present and absolutely agree on how the way we act out our hurts in childhood and aren´t shown differently is the very beginnning of abusive behaviour and getting used to be treated disrespectful.

I can feel how self-loving it is to say no to a sarcastic or critical comment, as when I do I feel my body relax and the pockets of tension in my soft tissue release and unwind. I love what you have shared here. I feel this way also when I express truth, whether it be difficult to express or difficult to hear.

I’ve been experiencing sarcasm at work lately and it feels awful. But what I’m now appreciating is that once upon a time, I could have dished out as good as I was given … I had a sharp tongue! But these days, I feel how awful it is and don’t retaliate. I’ve just been calling it out to myself and not reacting to it and the difference in my body is huge.

I watch my children interacting with others at school and am amazed how many of the children are abusing each other in even the subtlest of ways. If one of the children hurt themselves it is very rare to see another supporting them and checking to see if they are ok, however it is very common to see the others laughing at the injured one, and the injured children trying hard to cope with the hurt and pretend it didn’t happen. This is difficult to watch.

I agree Heidi and Brooke; this is the saddest thing to witness, children who are naturally caring of each other taking pleasure on another’s misfortune, how horrible to feel. The only way I can understand this behavior is that the ones laughing have learnt this behavior to mask their own hurts, and have not learnt that perpetuating the behavior only amplifies the hurt and does nothing to heal it.

So true Alex. Abuse is normalised as the depth of what we really feel is buried so well, from when we are so young. Starting to see anything that is not loving – including eye rolls or any snide remark – as abuse, allows us to see precisely how and where we allow this, and why. This can be an uncomfortable process, but a truly responsible one nonetheless. It is from this that we become aware of our hurts – essentially what allows us to be abusive to another.

Absolutely Alex, and even though we feel the sting we can think that we should be able to ‘cope with it’ , or ‘take it’, instead of expressing or clocking right there and then that is abuse and it is not ok.

Nailed it Alex! If we are constantly self abusive to the point where we see it as completely normal behaviour then how are we even going to recognise another’s abusive behaviour towards us let alone accept it?

I would say yes 100%, Alex! Because it doesn’t matter if we look at ourselves disregardful or let others treat us disrespectful. Allowing it is the same thing. And if there is an internalized abuse going on – like not appreciating oneself or holding back or feeling less – then it is easy for others to cross that line as well.

I think it’s so amazing just how much impact emotional abuse can leave on the body. I can think back to comments that were made to me by my Ballet ‘Teachers’. They were so unbelievably unneccesary throw away comments designed to keep me small or perhaps in their mind, designed to make me work harder, strive for more…
Why do I still remember these nearly 30 years on? This is such a great example of how comments like this can remain in the body for years to come if they are not cleared by some simple self appreciation. Of course it’s not always easy if we chose to agree with what was said, but with some committment to bringing more love back to our bodies, these old ways of thinking/believing can very simply dissolve.

Elodie I agree that self-appreciation can clear a hurt. I feel it is also very important to register the hurt and to see what hurt us as totally false and untrue, then the act of self-appreciation you write about becomes a conformation of who we know ourselves to truly be.

This is a fantastic guide to recognition of the abuse that we all so easily accept as a part of our everyday lives, and how to return to the care that only we can give ourselves. Thank you for sharing this, it is a very important re-learning that we all are in need of reminding of.

The power childhood trauma has on us as adults is profound. It is responsible for many of the mental health conditions, as well as myriad other diseases that present in our world today. When we are supported from when we are young, by parents who are not caught up in their own hurts, we are able to be supported in ours to not hold onto them and grow in a way that builds love as a foundation each day. Seeing this unfold with children around me is profound, as I also see the contrast of this being lived with abuse between parent and child commonplace – which supports neither to live the love that they are. By each of us becoming more aware of the hurts we carry, especially from our own childhoods, we can begin to let them go and thus not lace them onto the next generation. We can do this, and build a more loving future for all.

‘I can feel how self-loving it is to say no to a sarcastic or critical comment, as when I do I feel my body relax and the pockets of tension in my soft tissue release and unwind.’ I’m really going to feel how this feels in my body when I do this. This shows how powerful claiming love through saying no to abuse is. By saying no we say yes to love and give that space instead.

How simple is that Karin, and so true your observation what is going on in your body when you express your truth. I have noticed that when I had the impulse to say my truth and allow it to just ripple out without attachment or need for an outcome with it, than it has an huge effect. Yes that is the power of claiming love in expression and saying no to abuse.

Thank you anonymous for writing on this topic. I love how you have presented that even sarcastic comments and rolling our eyes at a friend is a form of abuse – and one that we allow! As I was reading I could feel in my body how painful this is, and how my body tightens up if I go into these behaviours or have these behaviours directed towards me. So exposing!

Intellectual abuse is so accepted and seen as such a norm in society that half the time do not even register when it is occurring, even when we are abusing ourselves in this way. When my children were younger I remember one day feeling so hurt when my child said “mum you are so stupid”. This was not something my child would normally say so it stopped me in my tracks and I asked myself why did they just say that? This is when I realised that very often I would comment “mummy is so stupid” when I made a mistake or did something wrong. So I was actually not just abusing myself but also teaching my children how to abuse others, OUCH.

Great point Toni and what I am realising is that even if I don’t say anything but put myself down with my thoughts when I’ve made a mistake is equally damaging and abusive and I know my children can feel this. The line “So I was actually not just abusing myself but also teaching my children how to abuse others” is great to call out deepening my awareness of my responsibility as a parent.

Yes I agree intellectual abuse has become so prevalent and normal in todays society that we are so quick to dismiss the hurt we feel due to the intellectual abuse, that we do not even register the abuse as abuse. We are becoming very numb to what is actually adversely effecting us in todays society that we do not even realise why we are reacting to certain situations so strongly. We are mostly not even aware that this over reaction is due to a long ago experienced hurt that we did not register and deal with at the time, so it is very easy for a little situation to trigger this old hurt and create an over reaction.

Yes toni, there is so much wisdom and truth in what you have here shared and within this blog. We have become desensitised to our awareness and the depth of love that we miss and the hurt that we feel, this is rather crazy when you stop to think of the natural sensitivity we deeply hold, why would we want to turn this off? Unfortunately, the hurts that we do feel from long back we can mistakenly take for being who we are and therefore carry them along for far too long. With the understanding that our hurts came from a series of choices (from ourselves, our parents and others) that result in hurt but are never from the essence of love that we truly are we begin to heal all round. We also begin to experience what it is like to nominate and deeply feel a hurt and then to simply let it go…. that’s how claiming the love we truly are really supports us to move on and move back to what feels true.

Very strong statement Toni ‘that we do not even register the abuse as abuse.’…if we cannot even register abuse then what does that say about our relationship with ourselves, our self value and respect and towards others. Humanity has dropped the bar pretty low, that abuse even occurs. We pride ourselves on being the advanced race, yet our human relationships murder, abuse, competition and so forth….and we do not even register this?

I appreciate this article in that it exposes what we have come to accept as normal and also to deeply look at how we treat ourselves. I found elements of this confronting as I have not wanted to feel the abuse that I have been subjected too over the years.

What is normal is changing, as we claim the abnormally normal ways we have been living no longer work for us anymore because they serve to only provide disharmony, abuse and or distress and so we choose the quality of life we actually want and know; that which provides us back our harmony, love and a priceless sense of the depth of beauty we are all from.

Very true KM, it does expose that what we accept as normal is certain levels of abuse…the fact that we as a society allow any form or level of abuse, is a reflection of our relationship with ourselves…how many of us on a daily basis experience abuse, even if it is a comment of put down, or an aggressive tone…but do we even consider that to be abusive?
If we had a loving relationship with ourselves, we would not allow abuse.

This is such a great article – thank you anonymous, and I can relate to so much of what you’ve shared – the name calling and using hurtful words with my family when I was young to cope to allowing sarcasm (giving as good as I got) amongst friends, family and collegues in the name of humour. I can see clearly now how this behaviour is only possible from a protected and hardened body, and it starts when we feel hurt but don’t honour that and lash out with words.

It is amazing just how much abuse take place under the guise of ‘humour’. It is rife. How often do we hear people criticising or putting themselves down in a humorous way – it is so very common. And so, if we do it with ourselves, then it naturally extends to others. Take away the laughter and seemingly funny words and feel the words – it is awful and needs to be called out, if even to ourselves, as abusive and not ok when it happens.

I agree Sandra, there is no joy in this putting down type of humor, and it is not even funny. It confirms to us what we are not by claiming our bad behavior as part of who we are instead of what we have done that we can learn and move on from. It is a step in the direction of the dark side, and the dark side will feed you more of the same as long as you accept it. this kind of humor puts you on a road to depression.

I remember when I was a child a saying we used to shout at each other, friends and siblings, when name calling and spite and sarcasm were used in an argument or falling out with each other. It was “sticks and stones may hurt my bones but words can never hurt me”. At the time I can remember the triumphant feeling and thinking I had got away with it and avoided the hurt, but now I realise that it was total defense to stop feeling the hurt, and so the hurt was buried and carried within me for many years. There is much to feel and ponder on in all that you say Anon,

If words were harmless as in ‘sticks and stones will break my bones but words can never hurt me’ then why are so many teens and adults committing suicide from being bullied online? Cyber abuse is clearly as harmful, it not more so, as being physically abused.

Yes I agree with you Sandra, words can hurt like physical abuse, and can be even worse in the body as we cannot address it as obvious. Choosing rather a punch in the back over someone talking bad about me and holding anger towards me, this is not obvious to see that it leaves any damage in the body.

Indeed it may be more because with physical abuse you can say..look he/she did this to me and from there you can understand that you are for example shocked, sad or angry etc.
But with Cyber abuse it ‘just’ comes with words so we can say to ourselves…ah no problem it is just a stupid person who talks like this about me but meanwhile there is a lot going on behind it. We get hurt if our fellowbrother talks bad about us. But we just made abuse by words as that is nothing, just words. meanwhile we know those ugly words can keep you awake all night, or nights or can make people kill themslevs. They can not grab why they feel so terrible and they can not stop it. With physical abuse you can go the police to let the, bring it to a stop. But for cyber abuse there are no laws yet.

There seems to be this endless stream going back over generations of adults role modelling abuse and children picking this up as acceptable behaviour, until we have reached the point now where is it so normal that it can be happening on such a global scale and hardly anyone lifts an eyebrow. Doesn’t this say a lot about where we have come to in our so-called advanced civilisation.

Well said Shami, we all in fact condone the different levels of abuse, the more obvious abuse such as violence is not acceptable but still occurs and it is increasing, with laws trying to put some social control over it as a protective measure…but we accept abuse in our every day lives, why? People harming people is everywhere, in our movies, on the news, TV, our daily lives, wars, everywhere? If we bring it down to each individual, what is happening to each of us, what is going on, because us coming together as a collective, as one humanity, the level of abuse is phenomenally high….if we truly valued ourselves, then we would value another and we would not be able to harm. If we brought love into the equation and built loving relationships with ourselves and others, a hint of abuse would stand out like the himalayas because it would hurt us….love is not simply the antithesis of abuse. It is the foundation of who we are…As love is all embracing, love does not harm, love only is true. We all have love within us, but many of us, we are so disconnected from it, that we ‘go astray’….as love holds the natural and true laws of how to live together as one humanity…but we need man made laws to control and protect otherwise the abuse would be completely rampant…like the plague and we would destroy humanity, completely.

The amount of exposure that you have shed light on here is also indigestible. You are sharing with the world how corrupt and how wrong and how hurtful we are and can be as human being, growing up and not standing up for truth throughout our lives. This is not staying that we all are like this but I would believe that we have all had some sense of this with our lives.

Once we say ‘no’ to emotional abuse, the next step is to say ‘yes’ to expressing truth and love, even in the face of abuse. Truth by not backing down from the truth, love by not staying in reaction when we are confronted with abuse.

‘…I learnt that burying these hurts caused more emotional harm than a physical punch to the body.’ This is very true Anon, these hurts can escape detection for a long time under a layer of protection that is purpose built over them.

I have learnt too that burying my hurts has been fatal as it has put a cap on how open I can be with others and how open and honest I can be with myself! Slowly, slowly I have been allowing myself to feel and let go of many of the hurts I have held on to. We hold on to them and bury them because we don’t want to feel the pain of them, nor do we want to look at the responsibility we have in creating them in the first place. Once we allow ourselves to accept the pain of them, then we can go deeper and look at why that particular thing hurt. The questions I ask are ” what ideal or belief was I holding onto?” “What investment did I have in the other not to cause the hurt?” ” where was the gap in myself that was seeking something from the outside to fulfil me?” “What was really going on for that other person?”

Yet they rot inside of our bodies causing all sorts of discomforts and pains that we think are seemingly unrelated but are the exactly cause. To think a lack of committed to love could be the cause of most of worries, is the solution then not very very simple?

“I can feel how self-loving it is to say no to a sarcastic or critical comment, as when I do I feel my body relax and the pockets of tension in my soft tissue release and unwind”.
Saying no, how important it is to feel the release when we do; thank you anonymous for highlighting this.
Also for emphasising “that we are all in essence love – equally so”.
Healing our emotional hurts so that we can truly live and feel the love that we are is the key.

Yes our bodies really feel and are configured by out thoughts and what we allow, take on or accept. It is natural for our bodies to expand release and unwind when we re-connect to the love we are. Our body’s messages are so astute in supporting us.

Beautifully said Shirl “Healing our emotional hurts so that we can truly live and feel the love that we are is the key.’ It is our inner hurts that can lead to abusive behaviours from the sarcastic remark, to the physical violent action…Healing the emotional hurts will stop abuse. But something deeper dwells within and that is our essence, the essence of love, and when we connect and live from here, no abuse can occur, because love does not harm, it cannot.

Such a great blog, illustrating that we all do accept abuse in some form or another. There is of course the overt abuse that we are see and hear when someone is yelling or being physically abusive, but there is also the emotional and mental abuse, cyber abuse that is now so very prevalent in our society. This type of abuse is becoming more and more common and it is up to each of us to stand up and say it is not ok.

I agree Anon we allow abuse from a very early age. I remember my brother hitting me often and smashing my easter eggs and my father belting me when I was young. At first I was outraged, then, when my parents did nothing about it except ask him to stop and my mother asked my father to stop, neither did, eventually my out rage disappeared and it became just what happened in our home, we all did it to each other and it became ’normal’ Sometimes we would through knives at each other and I went onto having abusive relationships with men, I became desensitized to abuse and now I have woken myself up out of this stupor and say NO to abuse of any type.

I think this happens for many people Mary-Louise, becoming ‘desensitized’ as it is so frequently occurring that it becomes ‘the norm’. However, it is not normal. Full Stop, no matter what excuses or how widespread it is, it is not normal, nor is it ok.

Yes we allow it from an early age because it flies under the radar. Kids in school have given up because the adults around them don’t seem to care to do anything about it and so enjoin to survive. As individuals it is so important that we start to call out any unloving look, comment or action for what it is so that we communicate, not only to each other but to our children, how unacceptable and hurtful it is.

Abuse has become a normal part of society and because it is so widespread it seems that it has become impossible to address, especially in workplaces. There is so much subtle and covert abuse that it is challenging to address, but to make any change here we have to go to the root of the matter, not just put out the fires that erupt.

Our bodies send us the most amazing messages when we choose to listen. Appreciating that they offer us such a precious gift is a simple way to develop an honest relationship with what we are feeling in our bodies

Well said Shirl Scott, as when we are all caught up in only feeling the tension of the issue or situation, we don’t get to feel our natural loveliness right there underneath all of that. But then as you relax and let go, there you are once again, just as lovely and tender as you have always been.

What a state the world is in when such outrageous abuse is normal in society and we just live with it like its cartoon violence or something. We walk around with our protection up on edge waiting for the next insult or put down ready to harden further, retaliate with an insult of our own, or both. Both of these hurt both bodies, and the relationship is further strained. If one person takes responsibility and cuts the abuse and does not let it in, both bodies can be natural, and it becomes the new normal.

Abuse is in the smallest details when choose for ourselves or feel from others what is unloving behaviour and therefore not a part of the love we truly are. This is a profound understanding and a new way of living for humanity as we come to re-discover this love and allow it to be our platform for life.

This blog really hit home to me, why is it that I have allowed this abuse? I’m happy to look at and address the smaller abuses like making sure I’m not left hungry, or cold, or tired, but this one, I too have simply allowed. Who knew as children we would grow up and never leave the playground? It all just comes back around again, until we finally say no and take the efforts to stop it.

Yes Martin, same for me, this blog does really hit home, it makes me remember all the incidences in my life where abuse was allowed to creep in and became normal. And it is true we never leave the playground if we do not address what is going on, what hurts, learn to say No and change the game.

We can handle the original abuse, if we allow ourselves to feel it, is all the self-abuse which we have built upon it which holds the real sting. We build abuse upon abuse, by choice, then wonder why we live in misery. Pull out the root, expel the seed, and the truth of abuse will be shown in full – it is us who continue to choose to live with it.

Its true any form of abuse is not acceptable and normal. It is designed to harm and that it does if we take it personally and contract, in a false attempt to protect ourselves. This reaction within our body allows us to step away from how truly sensitive and aware we are of what clearly is not a reflection of love but rather an attack that comes thru but not from the other.
I have experienced this a lot in my own life, feeling the hardness that leaves my heart shut down both towards myself and others, and my ability to feel how amazing I am, numbed by the hardness I placed around my heart.
I am learning as the love within me grows to express myself more openly and stand up for the delicate, sweetness I am within. By loving myself more deeply, I can then hold others in love and speak up, choosing not to react to a choice they have made to step away from the love I know them to be.

‘We all used to walk away from these interactions emotionally bruised and we just hardened in our bodies to cope.’ This reminded of an old saying used especially when children ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me’. What an absolutely huge, big, fat lie that was. Words are what can hurt us the most and for the longest. We can see from this how even as young children we try to cover up our hurts.

” I can feel how self-loving it is to say no to a sarcastic or critical comment, as when I do I feel my body relax and the pockets of tension in my soft tissue release and unwind.” In the past I too have accepted emotional abuse mainly – from family and a few ex-boyfriends. All because I had such low self -esteem I just allowed it and kept the hurt inside me. I can’t believe now how I tolerated it – quite shocking really. With the support and inspiration from Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine practitioners this has changed quite dramatically. As you say – it is self-loving to say no to any form of abuse.

This is a very very honest article. Abuse is abuse, but somehow we rate forms of abuse to what is considered as abuse and what is not or to the same extent. When one harms another whether it be psychological, emotional, physical a violation has occurred where a person was made to feel unsafe…the effects of abuse is an IMPACT in all forms because quite simply there is a violation that has occurred. Yes, we are all sensitive and we all feel hurt intrinsically, so we hardened and in this hardening, it becomes a social praise, being tough, can handle no matter what etc….while we accept abuse to any degree we devalue ourselves and each other. Simple.

Yes Karoline, it is shocking what we learn to put up with. I went through this in my teenage years, the way we treated each other in school, I can only say hardened me for life to be tough and I learned to put up with abuse and consider it normal and never questioned it again thereafter until I met Serge Benhayon, who opened my eyes to what may not be okay and that it is up to me to make a change.

Being cynical, making critical comments, a joke or just making fun of somebody. it is all seen as normal, you have to deal with and part of life. But when we truly feel what it does to us and how unloving it is, we should say NO to these forms of abuse. The thing is, they are not seen as abuse, but in fact they are. There is so much more abuse going on than we actually care to admit.

I agree Mariette. I can remember when I was growing up that so called ‘banter’ between family members was seen as normal and acceptable behaviour even though I knew at the time it was hurtful. It was a bit of a game as to who could come up with the smartest, quickest, sharpest comment about someone and to definitely not let on that you had been wounded by another’s jibe. And if you did not join in with this you were teased even more and seen as weak. Shocking really to realise how much abuse we culturally accept as normal because we were by no means an unusual family and I reckon 95% of families would be doing the same thing believing it was ok and normal behaviour. Now I have a family of my own we are changing this pattern and reversing this trend by regaining our natural sensitivity and tenderness with each other and this has supported much change in attitudes and beliefs in my extended family as well.

Just because we may be communicating with each other these days though a ‘virtual’ world where the direct impact and harm of our actions are not as acutely seen does not give us any excuse to ventilate and express our emotional hurts onto others. This is total irresponsibility.

Yes, and there are actually so called therapies, that ask you to vent your emotional hurts, like punching a bag or a pillow. In a world where everything is energy this is a very irresponsible approach as the energy stays there and will be picked up by another if they do not watch out and take care of themselves – so often we walk around with anger that is not our own.
It is very irresponsible to live in this world and ignore the fact that everything is energy and that we effect each other all of the time.

Dear Anonymous I agree that abuse start at a young age and becomes part of our life. We are abused and in reaction abuse others in a myriad of ways. I became very cynical and was satisfied when I could come up with a very cutting comment after suffering years of emotional abuse and being constantly compared to social norms that were not the ones I was brought up with. Through Universal Medicine I realised that I had allowed this abuse to take place as I had no regard for myself. With my new found confidence and self-respect the emotional bullying has faded away and consequently my need to retaliate with cynicism. Old hurts still linger but knowing how they harden my body it is now easier to surrender to the feeling and let go.

I do know now the difference since I speak up and let people know when I hear someone talking in a verbal abusive way, as I no longer can let this just be the normal way to talk about each other. I could feel the hardness in my body when I was talking bad about another person, and it is not a pleasant feeling to attack and poison someone.
Also I would not like others talking about me in a harmful way, but this is something I cannot control. Taking my responsibility here and expressing my truth feels powerful and it ripples out.

Abuse is so far removed from the truth of the love we are, it is difficult to fathom how we can be so distanced from ourselves and come to accept abuse in any form as ‘normal’ today. Abuse starts at home in our own bodies and what we are willing to accept.

That is one awesome point, Victoria – that abuse starts with how we treat and are with our bodies: if we disregard within ourselves, that vibe is a calling card for all the other disregard in the world to come a calling. Ditto, if we are angry, frustrated, spiteful etc etc
How wise, are we then we start to self honour and to self love – this is truly our way back to our true and loving selves as we are no longer putting out the vibe to ‘come and get me.’

So true, I remember the way we talked to each other within my family was very appalling and I was not even aware of it, as it had become normal for me. Only when my husband commented on that one day, did I put some focus into it and started to change the way I addressed the other family members. It is interesting how disrespectful we often talk with our close ones in a way we would never talk with a stranger.

As I pondered on this blog yesterday after reading it, it made me realise that abuse is everywhere. It is huge as we abuse and allow abuse in our lives because every thing we do has the potential to abuse from the way we are with ourselves to how we are with others, animals, plants, everything around us and whether we tolerate something or not. As I become more loving with myself and calling out abuse I can see how there are still areas I need to address and this blog has helped me to become more aware of these areas. Thank you Anonymous for sharing.

“I can feel how self-loving it is to say no to a sarcastic or critical comment, as when I do I feel my body relax and the pockets of tension in my soft tissue release and unwind.” I used to not say anything when someone tried to put me down. I would simply feel sorry for myself and try to make the other not say hurting things. These days this has changed as I am not afraid to call out any sarcastic or critical comment made towards me or others. Very rarely do I react, I simply say it for what it is. What I am I noticing is that rarely do l have a belittling comment come my way and when it does I call it out and observe the other person; they know instantly what has happened and they stop. It is not only such a loving thing to do for myself but calling out abuse also supports another in one way or another.

WOW can we have this blog front page news around the world please?
How many people dismiss intellectual and emotional abuse? We have been brought up to harden and push it away yet it remains festering and lacing our every expression.
We have gone too long and far in excepting this type of abuse when we really need to learn as a world wide society that emotional and intellectual abuse is in no way acceptable. Thank you for an awesome blog which highlights the harm caused in seemingly unnoticed behaviour.

It is fascinating to link the release of emotional trauma with physical changes in the body’s soft tissues. As a practitioner myself I have witnessed this happening many times as well. It just goes to show that only treating the physical symptoms is but a tip of the iceberg when it comes to healing the real pain and trauma that we hold in our bodies.

Thank you for a well written blog about an important subject. Let’s reconnect to our natural sensitivity, loveliness, gentleness and tenderness instead of being numb to what happens to our bodies from the outside. I know for sure that I am hypersensitive to sarcasm, because of earlier experiences, and I am sometimes dumbfounded how people throw out comments that are hurtful, – often poorly disguised in a “fun” way. Not acceptable.

The return to truly feel what is really loving and what is abuse is a challenging way. It is confronting us with all we have accepted to happen to us or expressed ourselves, no matter whether it was physical or psychological. Abuse takes two. One who is abusing and one who lets it affect oneself. So I would absolutely agree that reconfiguring the normal is an act of self-care and self-love.

Saying no to abuse.. it is exposing when we ask ourselves why we are letting abuse happen and not speaking up. For me it has been easy to make myself a victim, rather than taking on the responsibility to claim that I am not small or powerless but there is a grandness I come from.

It is incredible when you commit to saying no to abuse from others how deep the normalising of abuse runs. As you say it travels all the way down the scale from full blown physical abuse to sarcasm and criticism. It runs into self-debasing thoughts and it is extraordinary how much this seemingly normal negative self-talk can hurt us. There is in truth nothing normal or acceptable about it at all as is there nothing normal about any form of abuse. Thanks for writing such a thought provoking blog Anonymous.

I love what you share here, Anon, and agree with everything you have so articulately expressed. I work with children and with adults and observe daily how throw away lines by he adults, which diminish the children ( e,g. “Suck it up!” You’ll get used to it.”) then give rise to mainly non verbal abusive behaviours in children, like eye rolling, heavy sighing, shoulder heaving, door slamming…the list is potentially endless.
The point remains, that each party is sustaining a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship – and I am not letting the children off the hook, since they have been here before when one factors in re incarnation, which I do.
The scenario only serves to keep us all in separation from our truly loving selves and from genuinely warm and open relationships with others. These micro or “considered normal” behaviours lay the foundation for future dysfunction and even violence.

It was curious to note recently how when I called out a presenter’s humour to my colleagues and boss as being denigrating to both women and children, I was met mainly by reactions of horror and, “Well, we thought he was great – very funny.” There were, however, a few colleagues who had felt the same way as I but didn’t call it out as I did, because they thought they were being “tolerant.”
Does the ideal of “tolerance” then, cover the truth of what quite a fair percentage of us actually feel and thus inhibits our calling out of abuse for what it is??

If so, it is an ideal ready to be exposed as a smotherer of truth and of our loving selves, I feel.

Good on you Coleen, this is exactly what is needed to change what has been accepted as normal. When denigration is so commonplace and accepted, people pollute each other with it. You have cleaned a floor that nobody has ever seen cleaned before because it was underneath all the filth. People need to feel how good it is when the floor is clean and our communication is with love, then they can enjoin the clean up and clean is the new normal.

I am only just beginning to feel the effect of our apathy about, and acceptance of, continual and low level abuse in our lives and how this has set the foundation for the way things are going in our online world. We stand incredulous at the stories about how some people are behaving on social media sites etc but do we understand and take responsibility for the part we play in this? Our natural expression with each other is about building connection and love, so imagine the tension and stress we build in our bodies when we behave in any way other than this. Being honest with ourselves about this and feeling the difference between conflict and separation and support and working together is key to our inspiration to choose the latter.

Great point you are raising here! I work in a small department store and it is shocking to listen to people at times and the way they talk with each other considering it totally normal and you can actually feel that they love each other but it seems not acceptable to express that to each other. They also push each other, which seems to be another way they express their love for another.
It makes you wonder, what happened to our natural tenderness and why are we not taught that anywhere in society?

It is incredible how we normalise things that are so far from the truth of who we are. Watching the world cup rugby recently, I couldn’t believe the brutality of the sport, and I used to play the game as it was a normal thing for a New Zealand lad to do. Our bodies just aren’t designed for that sort of punishment.

Yes Kevin, it is incredible how we normalised a game that has been known to leave people physically impaired? How many people must become paralyzed before rugby league is considered a dangerously, abusive sport? But we don’t have to look far to realise why; we just have to notice how rough we are on ourself on a daily basis.

Very clear and important piece of writing. It is worth much more consideration the effect of the words we say on one another than we often give credit to. I for one can remember many things people have said to me from years ago and shows how the trauma of something like this never leaves you unless you are able to address it in full. Imagine if the emotional abuse left bruises like the physical ones, that would show us an interesting body and let us see the harm that we feel.

I agree Stephen that the physical wounds (although no less traumatic and not to diminish in any way those who have suffered physical abuse) are often forgotten long before the emotional ones and it’s a great point that you make about being able to see the emotional trauma on the physical body and just how that would look – I’m sure we would all be more aware of what we were about to say if we could see the immediate physical result.

I am feeling the support of being able to say no to emotional abuse, it is a force that has been very strong and dominating and there’s a gorgeous release to be felt, not in the grips of it anymore. It’s so lovely to drop behaving in that way and people can feel the difference immediately when we come from a place of self love instead.

I have noticed we tend to look for justification for what we feel and express, so in your example of being bruised by a physical punch or being yelled at in harshness, the emotional distress is easily dismissed in favour of the physical one. Also we tend to focus on the more overt hurts, but in my experience anything less than complete love and honouring hurts, even when everything ‘looks’ ideal.

A great question is posed here: Why do we rather intervene when we become aware of physical fights/abuse but still do hold back or even ignore when it is about emotional fights, cyber-bulliying, bulliying at the workplace, schools etc. , even though we know that intellectual and emotional abuse can cause much deeper harm to a person than physical harm.

Even the what so called smallest abuse is the same as a big abuse. Either something is abuse or love. I can feel that even with calling a name in a not loving way we can bring people down, we should have licence to say a name.

It is quite surprising how there can be little reaction to cyberbullying, as when you stop and think about it, it is such a nasty and deliberate act to do to another human being… It does show just how much it has become the norm in our society these days. I mean, why and how is it that one person can be like this to another person? Perhaps part of this inertia to respond is generated by the clear lack of consequences in law to address such abuse. Perhaps when the law catches up to this form of abuse, and there are procedures and penalties a person can take, that this will change

And interesting too how cyber-bullying is acknowledging as an area impacting children but not adults. Adults may have more life skills and or knowledge to understand cyber-abuse but they are no less immune to its ravages.

Thanks Anonymous for such an inspiring blog. To honestly acknowledge that emotional abuse has such a harming affect on us, and yes we really do feel how this assaults the body even more than the punch does, it is quite liberating. I have worked very closely with women who have lived with domestic violence for many years and when they come to understand that the emotional abuse always underlies the physical abuse they are literally shocked with how limited their understanding of abuse is, but also relieved by the fact that they can acknowledge that it’s not acceptable to live like this.

A great point Elizabeth, it is so true that for most of us abuse is only understood to be physical. Only through connection with the body and feelings it’s reaction to all things, do we begin to discern that it in fact extends to anything that is energetically devoid of love. I am realising that means our own choices to express or act in any way without love is equally abusive towards ourselves as it is for others.

It’s interesting how in this country (Australia) at present there is a renewed focus on domestic violence – and unfortunately it has taken a slew of murders for it to be so. It’s as if it’s time for this phenomenon to be exposed in full. None of us are immune from the effects of DV and we have all been both perpetrator and victim.

” I can feel how self-loving it is to say no to a sarcastic or critical comment, as when I do I feel my body relax and the pockets of tension in my soft tissue release and unwind.” I love how we can feel this in our body and our body acknowledges this love via our connective tissue.

Elizabeth, that was just the sentence that rang out for me too! And the less I am self-critical and more self appreciative, the easier it is to feel and call out those unloving comments…or catch a judgment by myself.

This really is an eye opener, so much abuse goes on in our lives unchecked as it is just seen as sibling rivalry or so called just normal human behaviour. This really lifts the lid on the fact that anything short of love is abuse. This may not be attainable for all of us right now but at least being aware of it is a good start and something to aim for and let others know about.

It’s so true that abuse is so much more than we tend to think it is. It is in the role of the eyes, a sarcastic comment, a negative thought, or simply agreeing to something that we know we are not going to commit to. Anything that does not hold the integrity we know we are capable of holds the energy of abuse.

‘In my 30 years of working as a health professional I have learnt from thousands of clients that it is precisely these emotional hurts that are far more damaging than the physical ones. When they tell me about childhood emotional traumas – it can be 30, 40 or 50 years ago –they still cry as they retell these moments from when they were little.
As they talk about these events I have observed how old tension patterns in the layers of their soft tissue let go and soften. The body areas affected by this old tension become more fluid and flexible.’
We hold EVERYTHING in our body!

For me this blog highlights abuse that can come very subtly from others and also if I am honest, ways of abusing myself. The only thing that has really supported me to feel empowered to saying no to more covert forms of abuse is the understandings gleamed from Universal Medicine workshops and courses, where it is presented that we can claim our natural capacity to feel energy and discern between the energy of love and the energy of abuse. When it comes down to those two simple qualities and more complete awareness and claiming of what love truly feels like, then it is astonishing how much abuse figures in our lives. Sometimes this feels overwhelming, but with the knowing and trust that love is always there to return to, it is less and less so.

Thanks Anonymous for this very insightful blog. It is so true that we don’t consider those long-held childhood hurts as the result of intellectual or emotional abuse, but rather as a normal part of growing up amongst ‘sibling rivalry’. It didn’t occur to me that could be de-sensitising us to other forms of abuse as adults, but of course that makes perfect sense. The idea of truly harmonious and loving interactions between my brother and sister growing up is as foreign to me as speaking another language. It has only been through the example provided by Serge Benhayon and his family that I have seen another way to be in these close-knit relationships that is based on true love.

“In my 30 years of working as a health professional I have learnt from thousands of clients that it is precisely these emotional hurts that are far more damaging than the physical ones. When they tell me about childhood emotional traumas – it can be 30, 40 or 50 years ago –they still cry as they retell these moments from when they were little.” This is so true. In talking with friends abut the past it is these hurts, the emotional bullying etc that sticks in their minds – and is thus buried in their bodies still, rather than the physical blows they received (sometimes at the hands of teachers aka physical punishment. As mentioned in earlier comments it is up to us to call it out.

If we felt a deep level of love and respect for ourselves – and deeply honoured that – then there would be no abuse. No–one who feels and knows that would ever want to harm another. However it is now up to us – to me, as I become more aware, to learn to love myself deeply and to reflect this out so that we can teach children to do the same. Stopping the self-critique is an initial step; then appreciating ourselves for who we truly are. Also calling out abuse when we see it, of course.

‘It seems like adults and parents accept as normal the competition, fighting and name calling that often goes on between siblings as they grow up. Kids do this in reaction to hurts they are not aware they have and in their hurt they lash out at others. This really is a form of abuse and it often starts at home when we are really young.’ So true, Anonymous. There is a vicious circle going on here. We can only break it as adults taking responsibility for our hurts – identifying, understanding and healing them – and then supporting our children to get to the root of theirs.

The abuse we have normalised plays out everywhere, from (so-called) esteemed forums such as our parliaments and courts of law to the everyday conversations in our homes. As if we were newborns, we are only starting to open our eyes to abuse in all its forms.

Indeed we are Victoria Lister, just starting to open our eyes to the abuse in all its forms. Several years ago I too would have snubbed at the idea of eye rolling as being abusive, and now can really feel how disrespectful it is to feel from another and at times when I have done it myself. I can feel the assault on myself first, so then it’s like a double whammy effect. Definitely a tool used when I feel challenged by what is said but can’t respond from truth at that time, or I have gone into a reaction and am trying to ignore addressing it. It is amazing the level of love that love goes to, to flush out any untruth towards another and gets us to eventually feel it. It’s so beautiful how everything does come back to love in the end, that is an absolute given.

Through living what is offered through Universal Medicine and The Way of the Livingness I have been able to build a solid enough foundation within myself that naturally exposes the layers of self abuse which in turn helps me understand what is coming at me constantly from a world of like minds who prefer mental stimulation than listening and caring for the body of wisdom we walk around in every day. It is indeed an onslaught of abuse that fails to identify the hurt that existed in the first place. I recently had someone share that in a councelling session the practitioner started with “What is your hurt?” Simply asking this question eleviates any need for the story of how we got to the mess we are in and saves a lot of complication and unnecessary processing and digging around for eons.

Dear Anonymous it was great to read your honest sharing. Yes people held old traumatic experiences in their bodies – that is exactly the same experience I have had with my clients and myself. What is sad is that normally people are not aware that everything good or bad is stored in their bodies. If they started to realized it they normally allow themselves to take more of their responsibility in the way how they are with themselves and others. Therefore it is awesome if people can do what you have so beautiful shared: “I can feel how self-loving it is to say no to a sarcastic or critical comment, as when I do I feel my body relax and the pockets of tension in my soft tissue release and unwind.”

Great to read your blog and it is a interesting point that you bring in about the way we interacted with our siblings and friends when we were younger. I remember having some horrible fights and it is as exactly as you say I hardened and shut down from feeling the hurt of what was occurring and started to stop letting people in. If you keep people at a distance then there is no way they can hurt you. This form of protection has been a massive part of my life and in this protection it has stopped me from truly allowing myself to feel the devastating abuse that is taking place in today’s world. In my protection I have shut the world out and in doing so this has sub consciously said that everything, every word and every action that is not love is ok. THIS IS NOT OK. It is time for me to allow myself to feel the sensitivity that I have shut myself down from. Wow this is big. It is time to feel the ugliness of where the world is so I can say NO to what is not Love.

Great blog. We accept abuse in it’s many forms as being ‘normal’ dismissing the fact that although it may not be a physical punch it still hurts very deeply. I know I have accepted many forms of abuse including self abuse over the years and had to bury it all to not feel it. Thanks to Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon I have learnt how to truly heal these hurts and I no longer accept any form of abuse, no matter how insignificant or no big deal it may seem to others.

It so funny how over time we just accept the level of violence and sly remarks that become apart of everyday life and language. How many times someone has popped in a sly remark just to have the upper hand. I have always been shy and reserved and not able to feel the strength of pulling people up that are out of line. I also have the understanding of the fact that those people speaking that way are also hurt and not able to express the love that they innately are.

Hi Anon, thank you for sharing your story . I agree abuse is big and not allowing abuse in our lives must begin with us saying ‘no’ to any unloving thought, deed or action we hold toward our self as this will close the door on abuse once and for all. A committed vigilance is required as these thoughts past through us constantly.

Thank you Kathleen. I know this is true and so need to hear this this morning. I have already noticed self-sabotageing thoughts that would have me eating food that I know will take me away from my connection to what I know is true and loving for myself.

I must applaud you for this blog Anonymous; you have bought much understanding to the origins of abuse. We forget what it was like to be a child of pure love so sensitive that the slightest gesture could be hurtful. We carry those hurts and they compound as we get older, some people push our buttons that reminded us of those childhood hurts and we will do anything to not feel them, even lash out at whom is reminding us. We blame anyone who brings us these reminders, and the cycle perpetuates. By taking responsibility for our hurts we can respond to others with love, rather than reacting. That is just one of the many valuable things I got from this blog and the comments that follow.

It is interesting how, when we start to be more tender with ourselves, we can feel the emotional abuse that is in the way another person speaks or when we ourselves speak, when we’re having an ‘off’ moment.

Thank you Anon for your blog. It is an important one as it talks to the issue of people staying quiet and accepting abuse, even though every cell in their body knows it isn’t right or our natural way to be with one another. You have shown this starts as children when we have to swallow down the abuse from siblings and adults. We don’t have role models in our parents to show us not to accept this, as they have been sold the same model of survival – harden up, swallow it down and keep going as though nothing happened.

It is incredible how young abuse starts, which leads to a pattern of neglect and lack of self love and self care. By re introducing love into our lives by simply taking care and regard, how any form of abuse, the thoughts, even the smallest of knocks on our body as we move, stand out like a sore thumb.

This is a great line “Years later I learnt that burying these hurts caused more emotional harm than a physical punch to the body.” If only we are taught that in school, that when we don’t allow ourselves to feel our hurts, that it can actually equate to something like feeling a physical punch to the body. If we really understood this from a young age, we would be able to make different decisions along the way.

You make some great points here Anonymous with regards to what is acceptable behaviour when it comes to our siblings and then how then go on to accept abuse in other areas of our lives. It does seem as though cyber abuse is not only restricted to school children but has become the adult playground with a free license to abuse others, without suffering the consequences of the teacher coming along and giving out a detention slip.

For too long now there has been disgusting, hurtful, damaging expression we call cyber abuse. The reason it has not been corrected like elsewhere in civilized society is that there are those that use “freedom of speech” as a defense. We have to debunk this myth that “freedom of speech” is applicable in the case of cyber bullying. “Freedom of speech” is a term to be used when speaking truth is being suppressed or shut down. Wherever there are lies, slander, hate speech, innuendo or false accusations there is no truth that needs to be freed, there is no freedom for anyone, no one is uplifted from oppression. “Freedom of speech” should mean freedom from lies, slander, etc. It is the truth that sets us free, so only truth should be defended under the term “freedom of speech”. Let us claim back this term by writing it into Internet protocol.

The way we accept behaviours from ourselves and others definitely comes down to our level of self love and care as when you are really connected to your natural sensitivity, those things are picked up straight away as the uncomfortable feeling in your body, signals, love is not present.

Thanks for pointing out that any abuse no matter how seeming insignificant, is still abuse and should be addressed. With all the problems going on in the world at the moment, the wars, people trafficking ,rape and murderl some abuse may seem rather trivial but like a virus if it is not nipped in the bud it will spread and affect many people.

You would not have thought those long forgotten childhood hurts would make such an impact on us, but they obviously do and I should not be so surprised. We all react to those hurts in different ways and when repeated it solidifies in our behavior very early on. Some develop a sharp tongue, some lash out in anger, some withdraw and cry a lot, some go very quiet and fade away. In all these cases the light drains away from our eyes as we enjoin society.

Last year I went to a family wedding where I experienced an old familiar type of abuse from my older brother, it was all supposed to be in jest but I could feel how it hurt and did effect me and how it would have when I was younger and would have led to hardness in my body.

I can very much relate to that, and it’s amazing after all these years of supposedly growing up and maturing into adulthood, we really find it easy to find a way back into how it was all these years ago and enact the patterns of abuse to each other – and call it reminiscence.

We have a particular group of people at work who when they get together make derogatory remarks about others or even to each other, all in the name of knocking another for the fun of it, but really to get some sort of twisted recognition, or some sort of deflection away from them. This happened recently and it really stuck out how unnatural it is and how they all stepped away from themselves to do that. Quite sad really when they could have been having confirming and appreciative communications towards each other instead of abusive, harmful loveless banter that they were all unknowingly harmed by.

Yes Julie, most workplaces have this empty, horrible derogatory, banter and people have accepted it as normal because it is better than arguing or ignoring each other. As you say they were all unknowingly harmed by this loveless banter, I can notice sometimes people go deeper into their hardness and protection when this happens. By reading your blog Julie I realized that by me judging people for this behavior, helps me to say nothing, which says its okay, a big ouch of realization for me. you are correct these people could have confirming and appreciative communications which allow people to drop their guard and feel themselves, I feel the responsibility to lead the way now.

Anonymous you have shared so powerfully that all abuse no matter how big or smaller is marked in the body. From the large slagging matching to minute comment the body feels it all.It is whether we stop to feel the impact that makes the difference between feeling the hurt and healing or burying it.

“We are all born naturally sensitive, gentle and tender and none of us start off name slinging and criticizing when we are toddlers”. This statement of truth really stood out for me on returning to this great blog. Just imagine how different the world would be if children were raised to retain and honour their natural sensitivity and tenderness, and to respect all those qualities in others. It would be very different from the world we live in today.

We are naturally sensitive beings, and this we can see in the behaviour of children. Abuse certainly is a learned behaviour as this is not our natural state of being, most probably learned as a way of protecting oneself of being abused… what a vicious cycle…

Saying no to any sort of abuse is certainly part of caring for our overall wellbeing. I sometimes wonder whether the fact that I am not that close to some of my siblings is because of the way we used to fight, name call and behave towards each other when we were young.

Thank you for this comprehensive blog Anonymous, it highlights the many faces of abuse and its affects on our bodies. I feel you are right that this abuse has become far too normal and most people are unaware of the abuse around them and its effect on others. We can do much to point this out in the moment, not with accusation, just by bringing understanding to the situation.

Back when I had low self esteem I was so hard on myself I would have to say it was self abusive and during this time I never pulled up other people when there was abuse around me. Now I don’t abuse myself and so I do not tolerate abuse from those around me. What you have shared anonymous, I experience every day, and I notice how the abuse affects physically the bodies of those I work with.

“As I have returned to being more naturally gentle and self-caring, I have started to say No to any emotional abuse – in the way I am with others and the way they are with me.” This is huge and shows if we want real true change then the change must start from us first.

The other day I saw a quote by someone, that was so aptly and perfectly presented. It reminded me that when we love ourselves deeply, and someone treats us wrongly, we will then recognise it immediately.

I agree Sally – this is something I have recently begun paying much more attention to myself, and the way I am with myself and with others as well as the subtle types of abuse…. Not so long ago, my measure of abuse was defined by obvious physical markers and behaviours (i.e. slamming doors, yelling etc.), however I am now coming to feel that equally harming (& perhaps more so because these behaviours are often not called out as abuse) is the tone in which I speak and that others speak to me (i.e. whether this is in judgement, criticism, gossip, belittling another etc.), ignoring others, talking over others etc.

I was very interested to read that adults talking about their childhood hurts release tension from their bodies as they let go. These emotional issues manifest as physical hardness in our body we might try for many years self abuse to numb from feeling it but that just complicates things it has to be healed eventually.

Anonymous I thank you for a truly insightful blog. There is so much insidious abuse that goes on in all of our lives and I agree that when we realize this we d o need to call it out for what it is. I have always found gossip to be unpleasant and abusive at times, even when we think it is harmless, it is not!

Yes Roslyn, gossip is one of those ‘normal’ things that seems to be socially acceptable. Many friendships are based on this cowardly behaviour where people feel bonded because they make themselves into a separate group by talking about others behind their backs which confirms that we are okay. It is something I have never indulged in because I saw how harmful is was but I realise now that I dealt with it by withdrawing from the group rather than by calling it out. How amazing it is when a person can call it for what it is, which then allows others to become more conscious of what they are doing and see the possibility that they could choose differently.

Awesome blog. This is so true for all of us…… “We are all born naturally sensitive, gentle and tender and none of us start off name slinging and criticizing when we are toddlers.” Over time as our life goes on, we seem to take on certain abusive behaviours as the normal thing to do…. we don’t even question it. These behaviours are learned… we take it on as normal, from the people around us. It could be a roll of the eye, yelling at each other, emotional, Intellectual abuse etc. I have become very aware of certain behaviours I had taken on from people in my life….. But now I call it out. Abuse of any form is not acceptable. In our society it seems to be whatever the majority are doing, is classed as normal. Well I question that now and if it doesn’t feel true, I call it out, for what it truly is.

“This got me thinking; do we consider that in a fit of frustration, rolling our eyes and criticising our friends, family or colleagues could be labelled as abuse too”, this actually is something to consider, most people do not see this kind of behaviour as abuse, it is more accepted as a normal behaviour, however in truth any behaviour which is not loving is abuse. Something for all of us to ponder on.

“Years later I learnt that burying these hurts caused more emotional harm than a physical punch to the body.” This is so true. A bruise will heal in time but an undealt with hurt will only fester unseen until its fury rages above ground, triggered by the supposed ‘danger’ of being exposed. Thus we build elaborate fortresses in which to hide the extent of our hurts seemingly unaware that every brick used locks us away in a self imposed prison, until such a time that we realise that it is our love that dismantles the pain and dissolves the walls that have come to divide us.

Anonymous, your blog is a good demonstration of how accepting something as ‘normal’ stops us questioning it and allows us to carry on a habit which may actually be detrimental to us and also to others. It becomes so much a part of our life that it is in a way ‘comfortable’ because it defines who we are and to let go of it would mean we would need to establish a whole new foundation and ‘raison d’etre’. Because of this we become a party to abuse by laying down as ‘victims’ instead of standing up and saying No. As your title suggests, to call out abuse is indeed self-care, and it is also a loving thing for all of humanity for, if one of us calls out the ‘normal’ as false, it inspires others to take a closer look at what they are doing, or not doing.

Thank you anonymous for this insightful sharing, I appreciate your words, “I have learned to appreciate that my body always gives me true messages about how I treat it”. I also agree that we often hang onto words spoken in put downs (verbal abuse) for many years after the event.

Dear Anonymous, thank you for writing this blog, I can very much relate to it, especially the abuse growing up. I have hardened my body for years, and still do, to not feel this, and the abuse I still choose and allow everyday. It’s actually horrendous to feel it, and deeply saddening that people can treat you, themselves or others in this way. You are right it hurts way more than a punch or physical bruise, and something that can most definitely stay in your body for years. This is not to blame another, yes to say no to any abuse, and that can simply be how someone shuts a door, but to also bring understanding, not excuses, to why people are that way – what I have experienced is that it’s often from a deep hurt/s or lack of taking responsibility for their life choices and the choices they make everyday.

If I’m super honest I hate the feeling of abuse, the feel of it, the sound of it in my body, it’s deeply saddening to feel and see people treat each other with absolute disregard and lack of decency. We in general as a society treat each other in such an inhumane way. I’m not only talking about the atrocities we see on the news daily, but how we are in our own homes, work places and with ourselves, friends and family. Abuse, horror, war etc starts in this way.

Great to read and feel what you have exposed here Anonymous that abuse when it is intellectual or emotional is something we can choose to hold in our body for a long time. It feels like a marker we hold as a reminder of when we have not spoken up and expressed when something is not ok, that will only be released when we express or acknowledge this truth. Intellectual and emotional abuse is never ok.

Thank you for the attention and focus you have brought to the areas in our lives where we could be accepting abuse but don’t see it as that, as certain looks, sarcastic comments, put downs etc can often be accepted as ‘ok’ and they are so not as they desensitise us then to the bigger stuff.

Thank you Anonymous for a great read, abuse comes in many forms, to the most obvious down to the most subtle, like a raise of the eyebrow, the put down attitude, the deeper our self love and self care grows, the more obvious the abuses become, speaking up and saying no is part of the deepening of our self love.

There are so many forms of abuse that sadly society has begun to normalise and it only seems to be the cases at top end of the spectrum that get the attention. The world is over flowing with abuse in so many forms, both big and small, but they all have one thing in common, they all harm the one who is being abused. I can see that in my life I have accepted so much that is actually abuse, often from myself, but at the time I have not seen it as abuse, so it then raises the question, why not? It has taken a great deal of introspection to answer this question and beginning to finally heal my huge lack of self worth and to introduce a greater level of self care into my life is what has enabled this to happen.

Just considering the proposition that emotional or psychological abuse are far more bruising and painful than physical abuse requires a rethink on the sheer level of attack that has therefore come our way in life. These forms of abuse are without question more permanent, buried deep and indelibly in our bodies, plasticised in the way we move and hold ourselves.

Thank you Anonymous as you have pointed out abuse on any level is not acceptable, it is damaging and harmful for the giver and the receiver. Such a sad indictment that individuals and society influence and transform innocent babies;
“We are all born naturally sensitive, gentle and tender and none of us start off name slinging and criticizing when we are toddlers”, no we learn it by example and errant influence.

I too have noticed that the more loving and caring I am with myself ( eating the right foods, going to sleep when I feel too etc.) the less likely abuse is to come my way. When I am not looking after myself I am more likely to attract the grumpy person at the check out or the sarcastic waiter, taking responsibility shows us that how people treat us is a direct result of how we treat ourselves.

You’ve raised a great point here Anonymous. The acceptance of anything less than respectful behaviour between each other is often frowned upon as “over reacting or taking things too seriously’. This is been supported in recent years with the levels of abuse in society played down in the media as ‘societal norms’. Saying no to any abuse is a human responsibility that shows our levels and capacity to love another.

As soon as we clock that there is a ‘fight’ going on the best thing to do is take a step back. Anything that we say in that moment, whether trying to justify, be right, make amends, persuade etc just adds more fuel to what is already burning. Better to take a step back, consider what we arrived with – what the build up of our day was that has allowed us to react and be irresponsible, and name it. That is it – done. My experience is that when I go about it in this way I take full responsibility for my actions and can then present the truth to another…

Thank you anonymous for sharing such a powerful piece of writing; my life has also changed enormously since learning to truly self-care. What is not love stands out a mile when we start to live simple self-love principles; it then becomes easier to begin to end the cycle of abuse we have allowed.

I was somebody who made my body into a brick wall and hid behind it- recently I have been learning to share more of my love with others and it has been amazing to feel how it support people to feel at ease and open up.

It is interesting to become aware of how more we can feel when we choose to bring more self care into our daily life. What would have been considered the norm before stands out like a sore thumb. Having the willingness to speak up shows the foundation that has been set in the body.

Anonymous thank you for taking the time to write and share this blog. We become numb to things that we experience regularly and those little jibes or insults that get passed off as jokes are just a couple of examples. Before we know it, we are joining in and dishing them out ourselves. It starts early and I notice it particularly with young people. The way they speak to each other is very harsh and hurtful, but they all laugh about it saying they are only joking. We all learn to laugh things off, but deep down they really do hurt. If we all began to call out these incidents of abuse, it would start the ball rolling to change this.

I too have noticed that when I have not been looking after myself I am more grumpy, short tempered and less sensitive to others. There it is. When I am not sensitive to my own needs I then care less about how I am with others. When I do take care of me, I am naturally in a better and more loving place with myself, and so more caring and loving with others.

Saying yes to self -care is saying yes to building new foundation to how we can feel. The interesting questions here is… How can we build this foundation? Over the years I have noticed that I have been a master at building a work care and family care foundation and was one who knew that the responsibility in those aspects of my life came from being dedicated and commitment. Why would self- care be any different? The quality of self -care we bring supports all aspects of our lives and gives us a foundation to bring more and the potential is limitless.

Its as if we have internal wounding that only needs a prod and the hurt comes rushing to the surface and we find ourselves reacting and reinforcing the hurt. Practices like Esoteric Yoga are so supportive when it comes to deepening the solidarity we have in ourselves. We get to strengthen our relationship with ourselves and appreciate ourselves more and the care and love for ourselves grows. We value ourselves more and are more aware of abuse and not willing to put up with it like we might have done in the past.

Yes it is true we are very sensitive and things like ‘rolling our eyes and criticising our friends, family or colleagues’ are actually really not nice to feel. Any of these moments I often feel like a tension in my body. Imagine living harmoniously without these little ‘normal’ negative actions, how would that feel?

The is incredible and so true – have we actually really ever considered saying No to abuse of any shape, form and size, for in fact it is all one and the same, is actually a very loving and self-caring thing to do, and also supports people on many many levels. We often associate self care with what some may called pandering and pampering ourselves, but in truth self care can go much more deeper than this.

Powerful lessons for us all in this blog Anonymous, thank you for sharing your experiences, insights and wisdom. Saying no to any form of abuse is healing for ourselves, and for others, effecting how we feel and respond;
“I can feel how self-loving it is to say no to a sarcastic or critical comment, as when I do I feel my body relax and the pockets of tension in my soft tissue release and unwind.

There is so much more to abuse that we have accepted as normal or unquestioning of how it feels that needs more conversations like this.
The rolling of the eyes, tutting, comments made about co-workers behind their backs, sarcastic comments, butting in, avoiding eye contact, the tones of our voice, slamming doors..I could go on for ages but the point is – when we start to explore accepted abuse, start to explore how sensitive we are it can be very confronting. And wanting, expecting the world to change and work around our sensitivities doesn’t actually work and is actually another form of abuse – the impositions we place on people for them to be a certain way for us. Rather than going through life knowing that as equally sensitive we are that sensitivity can tell us how to best lovingly respond to that which is abusive.

We are all born naturally sensitive, gentle and tender, and seem to loose that over the years for numerous reasons as you share in this post. I love that you are choosing to return back to your love, your essence and say ‘no’ to anything that is not love.

A beautiful line “I have learned to appreciate that my body always gives me true messages about how I treat it.” This is really a profound statement because life can often feel really unclear – people may say something but have a hidden agenda, the media can report in a biased way, and there seems to be a great amount of corruption out there. But, steady and true is the body.

There are many forms of abuse with varying degrees of physical and psychological harm but one we often choose to ignore is the way we abuse our own body by not living with the love of who we truly are.

Thank you Anonymous. It is clear that abuse runs much deeper than we realise in a whole manner of ways that seem subtle but in truth we register a huge hurt in our bodies each and every time we express in a way that is not loving.

So true. It’s like stacks on! Pile one hurt over another and another…and before long our bodies are built/wired to accept abuse. The more we allow it, the more we are likely to dish it out and the cycle continues.

‘I have learned to appreciate that my body always gives me true messages about how I treat it’ – How often do we complain about feeling ill, full of food after we’ve overeaten, exhausted and in pain? A Lot! But what if we didn’t have these markers and were allowed to go on disregarding our body to a much greater degree?

Thankyou, very inspiring to read and consider the many subtleties of abuse and our acceptance of it. This line was really interesting to me: “As they talk about these events I have observed how old tension patterns in the layers of their soft tissue let go and soften. The body areas affected by this old tension become more fluid and flexible.” It really shows the importance of talking and having someone to trust to listen because as we let go of pain and trauma verbally it has a profound healing effect on the body. Listening to ourselves is vital also. There is a lot of healing we can all do just by talking to and listening to one another.

As I become more loving and caring towards myself and especially with my self-talk, I realise just how much abuse I have allowed either by my own hand or by accepting it from others. However, I will not allow this anymore.

“I can feel how self-loving it is to say no to a sarcastic or critical comment, as when I do I feel my body relax and the pockets of tension in my soft tissue release and unwind.” Beautiful Anonymous. As I learn to catch my self-abusive thoughts and replace them with more loving ones life also reflects that back to me.

When I accept less abuse from myself and am more loving towards myself then every abusive expression from another sticks out. For example most jokes are not funny but with an undertone that feels really abusive yet this is ‘normal’.

Abuse can come in all forms, I have felt abuse even in the most subtle situations and have not stood up to it and allowed it, later on it has come back to bite me. So I am now learning to say no to it even in the smallest of things.

It is important, to be honest about the reason why we tolerate any sort of abuse in the first place and then let go of any pictures or investments we might be holding in order to accept only love in our lives.

Anonymous, I observe in my local school how upset children get when they are called names by other children, for me I say to the children no name calling, but from what I notice from adults name calling seems to be accepted and children are sometimes told just to ‘ignore it ‘or ‘to toughen up ‘and ‘that it’s only names’. I can feel how as adults we have often hardened up to this name calling and so don’t have the understanding of how hurtful these names can be and also how important it is to say no to name calling, ‘I can feel how self-loving it is to say no to a sarcastic or critical comment, as when I do I feel my body relax and the pockets of tension in my soft tissue release and unwind.’

“I can feel how self-loving it is to say no to a sarcastic or critical comment, as when I do I feel my body relax and the pockets of tension in my soft tissue release and unwind.” the body holds it all, all our hurts, emotions and every decision we have made in life, as we learn with self love, honesty and self care we can address the abuse that is held in the body there by allowing healing love to flow.

Thank you for sharing your amazing journey and along the way highlighting the many forms of abuse we can brush over.
Brushing over abuse and not calling it out is one of the main reasons we find the world as it is in such a mess.

“We are all born naturally sensitive, gentle and tender and none of us start off name slinging and criticizing when we are toddlers. ” So true. We can all now make a choice to call out abuse when we see it, be it in our everyday living or online. Abuse in any form is not acceptable.

Saying yes when we mean no, when no is the truth in that moment is very empowering to everyone although it may not seem like it when our habit for years has been to say yes and there may be feelings of rejection surfacing from those around us. It can take a while for others to accept our new way of being. However when we stay with the truth it is always felt on some level as it offers a healing.

“On asking myself why I didn’t react with outrage, I realised one of the reasons was that I had normalized this type of intellectual and emotional abuse from when I was young.” And this certainly isn’t uncommon to find when speaking with friends, on account of ‘normalising’ it on our way through life. No more. Calling out abuse even if ‘I only meant it as a joke’ – is no joke at all when it is abuse.

its true when you say that a physical injury from your brother was easier to deal with as you had the physical evidence , this also works the other way that the perpetrator also has a better chance of healing for they can see the injury and see the physical pain a person is in and the possibility of remorse is more likely whereas with cyber abuse there is no real tangible injury/victim for the perpetrator .

‘I can feel how self-loving it is to say no to a sarcastic or critical comment, as when I do I feel my body relax and the pockets of tension in my soft tissue release and unwind.’ This is a very different no to the no that comes from a place of anger, frustration or bitterness, the latter kind only perpetuating the tension, hardness and layers of protection in the body.

It seems to be deeply important and fundamental to the health and wellbeing of each person on our planet, that we must all be supported to express the truth that we can feel. This is vital for communities and family life. There needs to be truth spoken otherwise we are merely going around in circles with no real purpose.