Ask Bish – ‘Full’ sex, anal sex and pregnancy

Ask Bish – Another reader is worried about being pregnant but there might be other things to worry about too :/

Me, and my boyfriend had “sex” (not full on sex.) I’m afraid he came in me, but he would pull out 60 seconds before cumming. We then began having anal sex so he could finish off. I was on my last 30 mins of my period (which had very little blood.) I’m 14 and he’s 16, I can not talk to my mum about getting us condoms or birth control. I’m very afraid I may be pregnant. He did not pull out until he was finished during anal. So please help asap. I need it.

Hi there

Thanks for your question. I get asked ‘am I pregnant’ questions a lot and (as I’ve answered them a lot – there’s another answer here) I don’t normally answer them again. However there are a few things in your question that are making me worry a bit so I thought I’d spend a bit of time answering it and asking you some more questions too.

Are You Pregnant? (I Don’t Know)

I’m a bit unclear from your question exactly what happened when, but remember that penis in vagina sex (with the penis ejaculating inside the vagina) is really the only way to get pregnant from sex. It doesn’t happen every time you have sex and it kinda depends on when in your menstrual cycle you had sex (if you have a short cycle, like 20 or so days, then sex at the end of your period *may* have a higher risk of pregnancy – more on this here). The risks of getting pregnant from any other kinds of sex is very very very low.

Some folk say that you can get pregnant from anal sex. I have no idea how this might happen as the anus is not connected to the uterus. Some people say that sperm can leak out of the anus and then can go back inside the vagina – this is a pretty unlikely way to get pregnant.

So, if your boyfriend didn’t cum inside your vagina your risks of pregnancy are very very low. However, I really really want you to talk to someone about your sexual health – either your mum, or a clinic. Here’s why.

Sex Infections

If you’re not using condoms you are at risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs). With any entry sex with a penis (like penis in vagina or anus) there is a higher risk of getting and giving infections such as chlamydia, gonorrhoea and HIV. If neither of you have had sex with anyone else before it’s unlikely that you have anything that you could pass on to each other – but not impossible (more about STIs here).

Safer Anal

If you haven’t got hold of any condoms then it’s unlikely that you are using lubricant that is designed to be used for anal sex. For anal sex you need to use lubricant (lube) in order for it to be safe and enjoyable – it can be painful and can cause damage to your skin tissue if you don’t use lube. You can get lube wherever you can get condoms usually and if you use both you need to make sure that the lube can be used with condoms (water or silicone based).

Anal sex requires a lot of lube, time, patience, lube, communication, lube and trust – particularly if you are new to sex. They don’t show any of this in porn and I’ve written about what porn teaches about anal sex and what you need to learn about anal sex here.

What You Want

Do you actually want to have anal sex? You said that you did it in order that he could ‘finish off’ – are you doing this for him or for you? Before you answer that think about how much of what you want is tied up in what he wants. Try to think really hard about what you want. Have a good hard think about these questions.

Do you want to have any kind of sex at all? If so what? (Just cos you’ve started having sex doesn’t mean you can’t stop. Also just because you have a boyfriend doesn’t mean you have to have sex)

What makes you horny? What feels good for you?

How do you feel about the risks you’re taking compared with how much pleasure you get out of sex?

Do you feel like you can say ‘no’ to having sex with him? Are you actually agreeing to have sex?

Does he care whether you are enjoying it? Does he care about the health risks you are both taking? (if not it could be a sign of an unhealthy relationship – sometimes this can happen in relationships with an age gap like yours)

Are you having sex together or is it one person doing it to another?

‘Full’ Sex

I’m also kind of concerned about what you have learnt about sex. You talk about not having ‘full’ sex but then also talk about having anal sex. I’m not a massive fan of the term ‘full’ sex but a lot of people would think of anal sex as being pretty ‘full’. Maybe you’ve been taught that penis in vagina is the most ‘full sex’ because you are so worried about pregnancy.

The tone of your question implies to me (and I’m making a biiiiiig judgement here so feel free to tell me I’m an idiot) that for you sex is more about you sticking to some kind of rule about what you *should* do when you have sex. When people think that way they often have really crappy sex that they realise they didn’t even want. So think about what you want and what you want from sex (or whether you even want this).

There are tons and tons of ways of having sex. Maybe stop thinking about what is ‘full’ sex or what ‘counts’ but think about what is hot for you instead.

Please Talk To Someone

So please please please talk to someone about all this. Ideally your mum, or someone older than you who you can trust and who knows you and who isn’t your boyfriend (more on how to do this here). I think you could talk to your boyfriend about some of this stuff too but you also could talk to someone else too. Someone who could help you get hold of both some condoms and birth control (we call that contraception in the UK, more here).

I *think* you’re in the US, in which case you can go to a Planned Parenthood clinic and get sexual healthcare with or without insurance. Find your nearest centre here.

You can also get recommendations about where to go from Scarleteen users here. Whilst there you might wanna check out all the other direct services they can offer you.

I really hope you find this useful. I’m leaving the comments open at the bottom – it would be great to hear back from you to see how you’re getting on.