The Naughtiest Jellybean In The World

While the performance wasn't quite what I was expecting, this naughty jellybean is still at the top of my candy jar. There's just nothing quite as sweet as musical satisfaction. Bottom line: If the club vibe were wireless, waterproof independent of the mp3 player's volume, and had a bass/mid/treble toggle, it would be the BEST DAMN SEX TOY OF ALL TIME. As it is, it's definitely more fun than a barrel of dildo-wielding monkeys.

The club vibe is kind of a jack-of-all-trades; it does a little of everything. Light erogenous stimulation? You got it. Anal warm-up? Sure, as long as it's external. Standard bulletplay and shallow vaginal insertion? But of course. Secretly amplifying the nightclub's dubstep into panty-soaking pleasure while you dance the night away? Say no more. As titillating as public clitoral stimulation sounded, for me far and away this little treat's biggest selling point was its music setting: Hook up anything with a headphone jack (any mp3 player, iPhone, computer, or iPad) to the promising little orifice on the top of the controller, give the volume a good up-crank, and you have customized vibrations to rock your world in time with your favorite music. As a music fanatic (some would say music whore… and I would be in no position to dispute that term), there is nothing, absolutely NOTHING like the sensation of my favorite tunes amplified into moan-worthy nether vibrations. Imagine being on the receiving end of a very private performance from your favorite band, with your pussy as the lucky, lucky concert stage. The rest of the world goes away, and it's all about you and the music.

The Club Vibe has a pared-down, basic bullet design that immediately called to mind a mutant jelly bean, or perhaps a pink Mike & Ike on steroids. On arrival, its plastic was odorless and tasteless, just the way it should be. There is no texture to speak of, just a seam down the middle which you can barely feel—the rest is smooth fuschia goodness. Once I tucked it into my panties, I could barely feel it (though the vibrations were potent). And if you need lots of back-and-forth rubbing, the smooth plastic is very well suited to that kind of action, without the drag and friction of silicone or (shudder) jelly.

The Club Vibe comes with a pair of basic black panties that will fit an average woman. The crotch is double-lined with an opening at the front and back end of the liner, so the vibe can be hidden between the two layers of fabric. Since ninety percent of my own panties are designed the same way, I just used one of my own pairs. Wearing the vibe in my panties, with the controller tucked into my pocket, made a long jog much, much more fun, although the bullet has a tendency to slide around a bit. Since I wasn't expecting an orgasm anyway, the fact that it wouldn't stay put didn't really rain on my parade. Switched to the ambient mode, the vibe also did well in a club setting, picking up the crazy-loud bass and transferring that power to my panties. Again, it wasn't enough to bring me to orgasm, but I'm pretty sure it did wonders for my dancing skills. It's discreet enough that I was comfortable wearing it in public, but I was glad I had a pocket for the controller. Sure, it comes with a clip, but who wants to explain why they have a clunky pager-like device clipped to their belt? No thanks.

I spent a little while wishing it were wireless, but frankly, that's a ritual I practice with all of my wired toys. To be fair, all the wires are well-made, stand up to repeated use and above all, are plenty long enough for me. The problem is that there are so MANY. If you're just using it as a plain bullet, that's fine, there's only one wire. But add in an iPod, and suddenly you're dealing with the base wire, the split wire that connects the controller to your iPod, and of course your good old headphone wires. That may sound like only three. (Mainly because yes it is only three.) But when you're lying on a bed at the edge of orgasm, with half your brain shut down and the other half completely occupied with incipient pleasure, three is pretty much the same as fifty.

This little bullet did fairly well in public, set to its ambient and music modes. It made my whole pelvic region feel gooooooooooood. But like I said, it just wasn't enough to get me off. Things my clit demands: RUBBING! Strong vibrations! MORE rubbing! Taking its time! STRONGER vibrations! FASTER rubbing! Things my clit resents: Being treated like a package deal! Sharing the spotlight! Teamwork! Anything that's not all about it! Obviously, I was going to have to put in more concerted effort. So I hopped into bed with the Club Vibe and my trusty iPod Classic, chose some hardcore mood music, and started experimenting.

Now in music mode, the strength of the vibrations depend on several things. One, there is an intensity dial on the top of the controller. I tend to keep that cranked all the way up. Two, the volume on your mp3 player is also a factor…unfortunately. The vibrations are strongest when it's turned up to about eighty percent. I found that turning my iPod up further actually reduced the vibrations (counterintuitive much?). The real problem, though, is that eighty percent is significantly louder than I like to listen to my music, at least on headphones, because I'm concerned about hearing loss. Maybe that makes me a fuddy-duddy, but hey, cochlear cells don't grow back. So I either have to listen to my music too loud on headphones, or I have to BLAST my music loud enough for the club vibe to pick it up in the ambient mode. Thirdly, of course, the type of music you choose will also affect the strength and pattern of the vibrations. This was its biggest selling point for me. But it doesn't just thud in time with the bass. Every song is produced differently, and the club vibe pulses and escalates along with whatever element is the strongest. Sometimes that's the bass, but most of the time it's the midtones of the song, making the pulsations harder to predict. When the song's a good fit, it is FANTASTIC, but it can be a bit of a guessing game to find the right playlist.

Well, I found the right playlist. After just two tracks' worth of rubbing, stroking, and melodic pulsations, I came so hard that I saw stars. It is SO MUCH FUN to play with your favorite music this way. That being said, the club vibe is also great as a straight-up bullet. There are seven settings; the first three range from a light, tremulous purr to a crazy-strong buzz that had me flopping around like a fish in the bottom of a boat. I really liked that range of vibrations. Some toys are all power – and that's great – but it's unusual to find a toy that encompasses both ends of the spectrum. It could have been a bit more rumbly, but that's just me nitpicking. Number four is a strong pulse, and five through seven are various escalating patterns. I did notice that in music mode, the vibrations never get quite as strong as number three. If it did, I'd pay to have this toy surgically attached to my hand.

Another great thing about this toy is how quiet it is. I was surprised, because in my experience plastic toys can be a bit clattery and loud. I used it in a hotel, with my roommate sleeping right across from me. Between the low A/C fan and my comforter, she never even rolled over in her sleep (granted, I kept the thrashing around to a minimum).

It's made of plastic, which gets and 8 out of 10 on the material safety scale because it's non-porous and can be cleaned with soap, toy cleaner or alcohol. Plastic is compatible with either silicone or water-based lube, depending on your personal preference (I enjoy a nice water-based one myself). I recommend just lubing the area you'd like to use the vibe on, as it's small enough to shoot out of your hands (like a little greased bead) just when you really need it. But with a little strategy, you can have your lube and hang on to it too.

Easy to clean

Easy to store

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