Record of an Awakening

Friday 9:30 a.m. I’ve made several attempts to get moving today but cannot shake an introverted, introspective space.

I’ve surrendered to whatever may be happening and will not be online today.

Friday 5:30 p.m. I was unable to get out of bed today. I felt a great deal of fatigue. It’s now 5:30 in the afternoon and I’m feeling stable enough to do some small things like eat or perhaps go for a walk.

Starting at around 4:30 in the afternoon, I began to feel as if I were on the verge of ecstacy. By 5:00, I felt nauseous. At the present time, I’ve passed through the nausea and feel somewhat expanded, roomier.

I have no idea if the process will continue or stop at some point. Or for that matter whether this is a transformational moment that I’ll fall back from.

If it stopped here, the net result would be that I feel more spacious, more easily able to endure upset without getting ruffled. If it continues, it goes into territory that I know nothing about.

It makes most sense not to be writing at a time like this, lest I make a regrettable mistake. So, unless there is something that must be communicated or is time sensitive, I plan just to allow this process, whatever it is (and I have no idea what it is), to run its course before resuming normal writing.

That means that I may not respond to my email as quickly as I have in the past. I definitely haven’t the presence of mind to be reading what is occurring in the discussion groups.

I think it’s valuable however to write about the process itself and that seems do-able. I signed on to be transparent, barring going into fields that might cause injury. So this is part of being transparent, as far as I’m concerned.

My surmise is that I’m being given a little boost but that’s just a guess. I assume that processes like this will be occurring more and more often for us as time moves on. But I’m just surmising.

In my case, I had forewarning that the process might be cranked up again, but that was because I sought counsel through a reading. In the case of other people, a process like this might begin without warning. If you feel different from your normal space and don’t know what is happening, I’d suggest just allowing things to develop without resistance and, if you can, resting during its unfoldment.

I should add that I’ve set things up so that it’s unlikely that this post will end up in the daily digest. I’ve used an earlier post to tack onto. So if you want a record of it, you may need to copy it. I’d actually prefer that it not be reposted elsewhere. It feels a little too private and personal.

Friday 7:00 p.m. I should add one other thing that I’m aware of as I go about tidying up a few things and puttering. There has been a lessening of the demands of what I might call my “self.” That’s the best way I can phrase it. Earlier my “self” (or perhaps “ego” would be the way to phrase it) would have made itself felt in ways that I think we would all regard as normal. If I were wounded, the ego would rise up. If I were embarrassed, the ego would assert itself. It was there to guard me and help me out in tight spots.

I just wrote something somewhere (it was a change made to “A Chat with the Boss”) and I said something that might be a tinge controversial. Usually in that circumstance, my ego asserts itself. And it did not. I noticed it by its absence.

I don’t mean “absolute” absence; just relative absence. I don’t think the ego disappears until much, much farther down the road. It just lightened up a bit. Now, checking into that area where it formerly would have made itself felt, I see that I feel instead smoother.

I wonder if this is the way I’ll need to learn in the future, by feeling into a space where something present before is now absent. I’d say that this relative absence of a reactive ego is the one thing I am aware of as a change from, say, several hours ago. It’s too soon to say how extensive that absence is. But I definitely notice a change.

Friday 8:00 p.m. Things have taken a different turn. Until now, I’ve been imposing my preconceptions on the situation. One preconception is that, as this process goes forward, I’ll be aware of each new development, that each new development will have a marker. But I’ve covered an amount of distance since I last wrote and, in the course of things, realized that there were no markers.

I now experience …. hmmmm …. not ecstacy exactly. I think I’d call it more traces of bliss. Feeling bliss doesn’t fit my pictures because no experience preceded it. There was no radically-discernible epiphany, no door-opening experience, no tranformational moment. One moment I was not aware of feeling bliss and the next moment I detected it.

Nothing from my past allows me to interpret what’s occurring at this moment. And I have to just hope that I’m not blabbering. The experience progresses as I write. I feel more blissful now than when I started out writing this passage. I’m glad now that I decided to write because otherwise I would have no record of this process. Whatever it is.

I notice the word “awakening” keeps arising in my mind. Whether that’s an accurate word to use or not, I don’t I know. The word simply arises. I suspect that, like with so much else, the word arising in my mind is how communication occurs about something like this.

I’m not used to being in a process that appears to be running itself. I’m used to doing something and then having a result. Tell the truth and you may emerge. Share a withhold. Take a stand. But I’m not doing anything and the process appears to move on. It’s almost as if it has a life of its own.

I have no idea what to do next. I keep focusing on some discrete act like making supper or going for a walk, but I never seem to get very far along the road to doing it. Nonetheless, I’ll try again to actually set something in motion. The sun appears to be going down and I’d like to spend a short time outside or be active or do something. The thought is daunting because I feel unsteady on my feet and probably look like a drunkard!

9:30 p.m. Nothing more to report. Have been for a walk. Am stable. Light-headed, blissful, tired. If this was a transformational moment, it may be gone by morning. If something else, it will persist. I may or may not write tomorrow. I definitely need a rest. And so to bed.

Saturday 3:50 a.m. I awoke and the only word I can find to describe how I’m feeling is “softer.” I feel almost “buttery.” I wondered what was happening and the word “crystalline” came to mind. I wondered if our crystalline bodies were coming online.

I resolved to get up and do some reading in the channeled messages that have been issued lately to see if crystalline bodies are discussed.

I’m used to thinking along dimensions like “happier” or “expanded” or “more relaxed.” I’m not used to thinking along dimensions like “softer” or “buttery.” But nonetheless this does resonate. My movements are more fluid than they were yesterday. It’s as if I were all my joints were lubricated. I don’t feel the bliss I did yesterday, but, if it were possible, I feel as if my emotions too were lubricated. On every level I feel feathery soft. OK, I’m going to do some reading to see if I can find a comment from one of our sources on what may be happening.

Saturday 11:30 a.m. Looking back on what happened yesterday, I would now call it an “awakening.” I had told the Boss in the second half of my last reading that I felt the tug to write deeper but was incapable of reaching the place where I felt directed to. He said we’d have to fix that. I told him that last time we spoke, he had mentioned that he would be sending the kundalini up and that it had in fact gone up and then stopped. He said that it hadn’t stopped but that they had slowed it down.’

I haven’t transcribed the second half of the reading so I can’t recall his exact words. When I have transcribed it, I’ll come back and redo this passage.

What differentiates an “awakening” from a “transformational moment”? Well, to my mind, a transformational moment results in a spiritual high that lasts for a certain amount of time and then disappears without any discernible lasting effect save memories, an appreciation for the power of spiritual experiences, and a hunger for more.

The Boss did not say exactly what was planned for this go-round, but looking back it seems as if there was a deepening or perhaps it could be said that there were some new capabilities that were turned on. I’m not trying to exaggerate the matter. I just feel more capable as a result of yesterday’s events. I also feel much more highly motivated. There will be a reorganization of my life and work as a result and I’ll discuss that elsewhere.

A spiritual “awakening” results in new capabilities coming online. It has certain other lasting spiritual effects, such as greater confidence and ease. It causes more of a reorganization of one’s life than a transformational moment, which may not cause any reorganization or it may cause a few, but not as many as an awakening.

I see the reason for proceeding in a stairstep manner. Yesterday’s events have triggered an imbalance, which I’ll again discuss elsewhere, and I need time to recover my balance, assimilate what occurred, and then I presume we’ll take another step. I also need to share a few things about myself which I’m wracking my brain to know how to do. There is a need to be prudent.

Once we are safely and entirely in the Fourth Dimension I imagine we can share much more openly without fear of attack or ridicule or disempowerment. But I don’t think we’re there yet so I know I have to proceed with intelligence.

In my case, I had the Boss to tell me what was going to happen, but most of us don’t have that luxury. Notice that Management does not send us an email alerting us to what is about to happen or mail nus a manual on how to handle it. For the most part, spirituality appears to proceed wordlessly and we are required to decipher what happened ourselves and respond to it in our own way.

For those of us who see the most important matters as being language-embedded, recognizing that God for the most part does not use words can be unsettling. But, when I had my vision in 1987, the most important communication I’ve ever had in my life, not a word was spoken. And it took twenty years of research to coax the full meaning from what I was shown.

And so it may be on into the future, until we are perhaps able to hear God speak directly, something which has never happened to me and so something I cannot speak of, the largest part of our experiences will come without the mediation of words. And that’s just something we need to be aware of, I think.

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