Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Sunday, December 27, 2009

This cycle was my first taking Clomid. Basically it's supposed to make my ovaries pay attention and produce good eggs. You know the kind of eggs that are healthy and just waiting for a sperm to fertilize them. Apparently my eggs needed a boost.

Clomid is to be taken on Cycle Day 3 - 7. For me that means that I had to take it while visiting my parents for the holidays. I will admit that I was quite nervous because I was worried about the potential side effects. I already get migraine headaches and so I was worried that I would have a headache the whole time I was away. Thankfully my head was spared!

But I didn't go side effect free. The first 2 days were a breeze and I was thinking "what's the big deal about Clomid?" Then the next day I had a hot flash, or two, maybe 3. Since it is late December I can live with the occasional hot flash. But I also experienced bloating. I was so bloated in the evenings I had one heck of a belly bump! It was really uncomfortable.

I'm now done my prescription. The RE had suggested that we do an IUI with this cycle as well. But with the holidays and all I thought it best to not this time. Besides, many people get pregnant while on Clomid alone. Maybe we can be as lucky. If not, we'll try an IUI next cycle.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Jem over at Ambivalent Womb inadvertently gave me a post idea. Yesterday she posted her thoughts on people sending out holiday photos of their kids. You know the ones, the card arrives, the photo falls out onto the table. You pick it up and it's only of the kids, no parents, and there's no note. Or you open up the card and a 2 page family newsletter falls out. It's filled with a moment by moment description of each of the children's accomplishments.

Well it's my turn! Why should the Fertiles have all the fun?

My 2009 Holiday Letter:

Dear Friends and Family,

What a year 2009 has been! I started each day by taking my temperature at 5:15 am. Nothing says "Good Morning" better than hearing your digital thermometer beep its cheery tone at you. Of course Hubby disagrees, but after nearly 2 years of charting my daily temperature he's gotten used to it.

It's been so fun to live our lives in 2 week increments. You know the ones I mean. 2 weeks to live a normal life, followed by 2 weeks to obsess over every twinge my body makes, only to start all over again! The emotional ups and downs are way more fun than any roller coaster (which I wouldn't go on anyway - depending on which 2 week period it is).

And the longer it takes us to have a child, the more money that us D.I.N.K.S. (double income no kids) can amass - as many of you have pointed out to us on numerous occasions. Of course you know that we go on vacations and buy nice things solely to remind you of our "childfree" status. Ha ha ha!

I'm sorry that we haven't spent much time with you all lately, it's just so hard to find the time to get together. You see we're pretty busy working full time, trying to fit in visits to the fertility clinic and the lab for bloodwork. Plus, peeing on sticks and reading the results takes up a lot of my spare time. And did you know that Fertility Friend has a database of thousands of charts that you can look at anytime?

2010 is sure to be a blast too! I'll be taking synthetic hormones to help my ovaries produce better eggs. And since I'll be starting those in the middle of a prairie winter it will help to save on the heating bill as I'm told to prepare for some wicked hot flashes! In a few more months, Hubby will get to inject me with even more hormones!

It's hard to believe that some couples don't do anything together it seems we're always doing things together, often every other day!

I wanted to send you a photo of our boys in their Santa hats, but only one would cooperate. You know how they are at that age. So here's a photo of our oldest. He was pouting and wouldn't look at the camera!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Yesterday's excitement has worn off. Now, I'm starting to get nervous about using medical assistance to get pregnant. I hope my family will understand if I'm a little more stressed than usual over the holidays.

Semen Analysis: 57 million - lower than the last time but Hubby admitted that he didn't get it all in the cup. The Dr. said that this was still very good.

Estrogen levels: 414 - very elevated *

* So it seems that my estrogen is high. Unfortunately that can cause false readings of FSH meaning that my awesome level of 3 may not be as good as it seems. The RE has asked that I redo the FSH test again.

She said that other than the estrogen levels, everything looks normal. Our infertility is what the professionals call "unexplained".

We are not out of options. She suggested that we try using Clomid for a few cycles then try IUI (intra-uterine insemination - AKA artificial insemination).

But, we're in a pickle. I'm still in the midst of my longest cycle ever. I think that AF is due on Friday or Saturday. We leave for my Mom's house on Sunday. So there's no way that I will get my FSH test done this cycle (it has to be done on CD3). I have to decide if Xmas at my mom's is the best time for my first medicated cycle (I'm told that Clomid can make you a little crazy).

We made some decisions though. I did pick up my Rx for Clomid. I will have the option, or not, to take it next cycle. We can call the RE's office at the start of any cycle if we opt to do an IUI. And we put our names on the IVF list. Our IVF orientation is on Jan. 28th. There is a $250 registration fee for IVF. We figured that I've spent way more than that on OPKs, monitors, supplements, etc. The worst that could happen is we get pregnant before we start IVF. The best thing - we skip ahead in the line because we signed up early.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

I hate to break it to everyone but I feel that someone has to do it. Winter is officially here. In fact it's been here for a few weeks now. I know that the calendar says that it's still Fall, but the calendar is wrong!

In fact, that photo was taken over a week ago - there's even more snow now. However, we don't have to leave the house today. So right now, we're both on the couch, in our PJs, under a blanket and cuddling one of the cats. Hubby picked up supplies yesterday so we wouldn't have to leave today.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

You may have noticed that my post frequency is getting less and less, well, frequent. It's not that I don't want to post, but sometimes I just need a break from all things TTC.

I first started this blog when I first found out I was pregnant in March of 2008. Then I didn't write another post for months. Partly because I forgot the password, and partly because after my loss I couldn't bear to be near anything that reminded me of my pregnancy.

Lately I realized that I wasn't writing for me anymore. I was writing for you - my readers. There's nothing wrong with that - in fact I really appreciate each and every one of you and look forward to your comments and questions. But, when I stopped writing for me it stopped being fun and almost felt like another job. I don't think anyone wants that.

So for both of our sakes, I'm going to blog when I feel like it now. Maybe once the holiday stresses are over I'll feel more like blogging.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Sorry I've been absent from the internet lately my dear readers. I'm not ignoring you honest. I just wasn't sure what to write about. I didn't want this blog to be a place where all I did was whine about how hard TTC is for me. But this is also an anonymous blog and I didn't want to blog about things that were too personal (mind you, what's more personal than talking about EWCM?).

The good news is that I have 3 posts that are half written just waiting for me to be inspired to finish writing and posting them.

The bad news is that we are all but snowed in with our first blizzard of the season. Which means that all I want to do is snuggle under a blanket on the couch with my kitties (and Hubby too) while watching movies. Blizzards aren't very motivating.

All in all I think that we only got about 15 - 20 cm of snow (~ 6 - 9 inches). But with the wind blowing it around there are some pretty high drifts. I also think that the City was caught off guard 'cause no one has seen a snow plow out on the roads yet. We've shoveled the walk and driveway at least 3 times already!

Enough snow already!

Here you can see my Buddha is buried up to her neck in snow!

The good news is that I may finally have ovulated! My seemingly never-ending cycle may now be winding down. I'm so glad that I was charting my temperature this cycle. If I hadn't been who knows what my mental state would have been like? Even though it looks like I have O'ed, we didn't time our BD'ing very well. So I don't think that this cycle will end up with a BFP. I'm okay with that. At least I know that a new cycle will be starting in a couple of weeks.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Thanks so much to PCOS Chick! Let's face it, infertility is a bitch and no one should have to go through it alone. Thanks to the internet I have made so many new friends who know exactly what I'm going through. Today PCOS Chick passed along this esteemed award along to me!

Here's the way it works:

• Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.• Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.• Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to this post, which explains The Award.• Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visitthis post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List.• Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

Now I have to pass along this award to 5 other deserving bloggers (only 5?). This was hard, I read a lot of blogs on a variety of topics. So here goes - in no order:

Monday, November 30, 2009

It's been a whirlwind few days for me. On Friday I had my appointment with the Naturopath (more on that in a minute), then I worked at the mall for the rest of the day and into the evening. We had a snowstorm on Friday which stalled traffic for hours, and my in-laws arrived. On Saturday we took in some of the events for the Grey Cup, including the parade, and on Sunday we went to see the Grey Cup. After the snow on Friday the weather warmed up considerably resulting in a headache for me (that still won't leave). I haven't had hardly 2 minutes to myself. I'm so glad that I took Monday off.

The Grey Cup Parade

Let me tell you about my appointment with Dr. Arnel. I think I may have already mentioned that I don't typically go to male doctors. Not that I don't think that they're capable, but I just think that a female doctor will better understand when you explain things like menstrual cramps and breast tenderness. Dr. A was really good.

First he reviewed my charts with me. He had never heard of an HSG screwing up a cycle like how I'm experiencing now. We agreed to not consider this month's chart. He said that having regular cycles like I do is very important and rules out a lot of typical fertility problems like PCOS or endometriosis. He noted that my cervical mucous lines up really with with my ovulation dates. -- Can I just say that it's so nice to talk to a professional who understands charting.

He did say that he would like to see my overall temperatures increase by at least 0.5F - both before and after ovulation. He said that low temperatures can be indicative of an overactive thyroid.

So, he's changing my diet just a bit. Thankfully I do eat healthy already so it won't be a huge change for me. Here's the treatment:

Eat more protein - he wants me to include protein in my breakfast and in my snacks. He suggested adding hemp seeds or sunflower seeds to my cereal or almond butter to my oatmeal, and snacking on the same seeds between meals.

Reduce or eliminate dairy - he said it's still okay to be eating my bowl of ice cream while I watch The Biggest Loser (morals aside) as long as I do so on a full stomach. No more breakfast shakes though. He suggested that I buy some rice or almond milk to use instead. I bought some rice milk. It was okay in my cereal but was not good to drink at all! I may have to bend the rules on this one.

Eat more pork and fish and less chicken and beef. People it's true - I'm a meatitarian. I do enjoy eating meat. But Dr. A said that chicken and beef are acidic and he wants to reduce the acidity in my body. He strongly encouraged me to eat more legumes and beans - but I have Hubby to consider here as well and he won't convert. I bought some Quinoa grains to try to integrate into our meals.

And finally he gave me some supplements. 2 for my Thyroid and some for overall health. He said that my Omega 3 supplement isn't enough for me and now has me taking fish oil - in the liquid form. It doesn't taste so bad, but it's like drinking oil - blech. The other supplements are in drop form so they are easy to take.

I'm doing my best to follow his advice. It will be hard this month as I can't see myself packing up the supplements and the hemp seed to take to my parents house over the holidays. I will try to eat more proteins though and will watch the dairy too. I go for a follow up in early January. Hopefully my next cycle will see my temperatures rise (if this cycle ever ends).

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I have apparently been mis-informed. I had heard through the grapevine that often, after a HSG, a woman is more fertile. I had my HSG on cycle day 10. I typically ovulate on cycle day 14 or 15. My body showed all signs that I was going to ovulate on schedule (my cervical mucous was of eggwhite quality, my fertility monitor was giving me high readings, and my cervix was so high that I couldn't reach it), Hubby and I had some well-timed intercourse hoping that this would finally be our cycle.

Today I'm on cycle day 22 and my BBT Chart shows no indication that I ovulated at all. In fact, my temperatures keep dropping! This morning my temperature dropped to 96.14 F (98.6 F is considered to be normal). I'm beginning to wonder if I'm part Zombie! I ran a quick search on Web MD (mostly out of curiosity) and apparently this morning's temperature would qualify me as having hypothermia!

I put my question about HSG cycles out to my IF sisters on the internet. I was (am) curious to know what they experienced during their HSG cycles. The experiences varied from no difference, to a longer cycle, to pregnancy.

I'm inclined to think that I did not ovulate and that the temperature dropping is an indication that AF is on her way a little early. And that's okay. If she shows a little early, then it means that my next cycle will start a little early!

If you had an HSG what was your cycle like? Did you notice any differences?

Saturday, November 21, 2009

I know that when I had my miscarriage that most people had no idea what to say to me. Most people (my own mother included) ended up saying something very hurtful (although that was clearly not their intention). I already wrote a blog post about what what not to say after a miscarriage and I'm not going to repeat it here. Unfortunately, unless you've experienced a loss of your own, you inevitably end up saying the wrong thing to a grieving mother.

The same holds true for the Fertiles. Unless you've experienced infertility first hand, you have no idea what to say or how to act when you're around an IF friend. All of us IF's have had to endure countless Facebook baby announcements and receiving e-mails of ultrasounds from pregnant friends.

I think that most of my readers are Infertile like me. What the world needs is a guidebook for the Fertiles. They already have the ability to procreate, let us have the guidebook! I came across these great links while reading I-V-F You and thought that I would share them with you as well.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Yesterday I went to meet a Naturopathic doctor. A few days ago I was looking at our health insurance coverage to see if the cover my optometrist appointment and I started to look at everything that was covered. I know that massages, chiropractic, and acupuncture appointments are covered up to $500 a year - and I truly appreciate that. Naturopaths are also included in that category.

We're approaching the New Year, a time when all of our coverage starts again - meaning that between now and Dec. 31st I have $500 in coverage and starting again on January 1st I will have $500 for 2010.

So I got to thinking... So far all of the tests that Hubby and I have done for the RE have come back inconclusive. So, in theory, we *should* be able to conceive naturally without medical intervention. So why not take advantage of the coverage that I have?

I did a search online for an accredited Naturopath who specializes in fertility. It turns out that there aren't that many. One of the websites stood out for me. So I called them and booked a free consultation with one of the Drs.

Every one of my other doctors (and even my dentist) is a woman - so I admit that going in I was apprehensive about meeting with a male Dr. My general rule of thumb is that I won't go to a mechanic who doesn't own a car so why would I see a male doctor? He was great! Our conversation was easy - almost like we already knew each other. And - he wants to see my charts! Hallelujah! That's a first!

He agrees that if there's no medical reason for our infertility we should be able to conceive without drugs or other treatments. I booked my first complete appointment for next Friday. I'm so excited to be seeing someone who wants my input, who listens to my questions, and takes the time to explain any treatments.

I'm still keeping our appointment with the fertility clinic on Dec. 15th - I want to get our test results and to see what their next step is. I don't want to jump into taking drugs or doing an IUI just yet.

I promise to keep you updated. I'd love to hear any of your experiences that you've had with a naturopath

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

All of the testing that the RE ordered last month is complete. I went in for CD3 bloodwork, Hubby went in for another SA, and last week I had my HSG. When we left our RE appointment, they had us book a follow up appointment to review our test results and to discuss our next steps. That appointment is for December 15th. That's 4 weeks away! I'll already be onto my next cycle by then.

Yesterday I decided to try to move things forward. I called the fertility clinic and left a very nice voicemail asking to move my appointment up. They called me back (during the only 15 minute span of the entire day when I wasn't within earshot of my phone) and left me a voicemail that basically said "sure, call us back".

I called them back immediately - voicemail. Hmmm. I called them again this morning - voicemail. I left another message, said to call me at the office and this time to please have me paged. No call. Hmmm. Me no likey. This is very poor customer service. My clients would not be as forgiving of me if I did not call them back within a timely manner.

But, I will continue to be patient. They are a busy clinic after all. The fact that they are willing to move the appointment is a positive sign.

Working with the RE however will most likely involve spending money. Fertility drugs and treatments are not covered by our provincial health care nor our private insurance. So each day that we come closer to that next step could potentially mean the beginning of spending lots of money.

While I try to wrap my brain around that I wondered if I should make that leap. If our test results are normal shouldn't we be able to conceive naturally? So in that spirit I did a search for local Naturopaths that specialize in fertility. And today I took the leap and booked a consultation for Thursday. If nothing else my insurance will cover these appointments!

I'm admitting that we may need help in the baby making department. I just haven't decided what that help looks like yet. Stay tuned.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

On Sundays the t.v. typically belongs to Hubby. He is a HUGE football fan which basically means that from early June until the end of January he controls much of the remote control. (He follows both the CFL and the NFL - thankfully for me, he rarely watches college ball.) That doesn't mean that I'm without any power however.

Sunday morning before any pre-game shows start I have some quiet time. Junior and I spend some quality time together on the couch while watching Moving Up on TLC.

Junior has never been a cuddly cat. He was rescued from the streets when he was a kitten and most likely was born to a feral mom. While he's not cuddly he is sweet and kind and loves to play.

On Sunday mornings he and I have some special time together. Hubby and our other cat Gary always leave us alone too. Here's Junior all cuddled up:

Often I know that I expend way too much energy thinking about TTC and infertility and that's no way to live. I know that I need a sanity break every now and then. My boys are really good at keeping me grounded.

I know that pets are no substitute for children, but they don't require babysitters, never steal the car, and don't need a college education either. I don't call myself their mom, nor do I call them my furbabies, instead they are "my boys" and we love them dearly.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Today I had an HSG. I took the day off work because the nurse who scheduled it said to take the morning off in case of a reaction or delays - I opted to take the entire day off. That means that I get a 5 day weekend!

To everyone who told me to "enjoy my holiday" (which, by the way includes my dear Hubby) I responded with "any day that begins with the insertion of a catheter is never a holiday!"

So, what is an HSG you ask? Well, in my non-medical terms, basically, under a live X-ray, a doctor inserts a catheter into your cervix and injects radioactive dye. Then they watch the dye on the X-ray monitor to see where it goes. In an ideal world the dye should fill up your uterus and then go through each fallopian tube before spilling out into your abdomen. An HSG is used to determine if you have any blockages in your fallopian tubes and to see if the uterus is a normal shape.

Curious about what it looks like? Here is a link (don't worry - it's a view of the X-ray monitor).

Here's how my day went. First off, I didn't sleep well. I was actually more nervous about this non-surgical procedure than I was about going in for knee surgery 15 years ago. I got up @ 5:30 'cause I wanted to have a shower first (I wanted to be all spic and span).

I was told to be at the hospital by 7:30 am. Of course I arrived by 7:15 (I'm never late - including for AF!). As I looked around the waiting room I watched the other women arrive. Of the 8 women, there was only 3 husbands that came. Truth be told, I think that if Hubby had come with me I would have been less stressed, but realistically it didn't make sense for him to take time off work to be there.

At 8 am they took all 8 women into the changing area. We were told to undress from the waist down and to put on a lovely gown. Then we proceeded to another waiting area. Imagine a big waiting room with 8 women in blue gowns, some in boots, some in socks and shoes, each with a purse all waiting quietly. No one spoke to each other. After I got home I thought that I should have put down my iPod and struck up a conversation or two. These are my infertility sisters after all. Why were we all so shy to make friends?

I was the second one called in for the procedure (an advantage to arriving early). There were 2 doctors and a nurse there. The younger doctor actually performed the procedure. She warned me that the speculum was not warmed up. However, she failed to mention that she was not using any lubricant! Umm, hello? You're a woman. How do you think that feels?

When she inserted the tube through my cervix I felt immediate cramping. It was just like menstrual cramps - not pleasant. The procedure overall lasted about 3 minutes. The older doctor told me that everything was clear. I still asked to see the X-ray. He showed me the screen (in hindsight I should have taken a photo with my cell phone - but 3 strangers had just looked up my bits and I was a little out of sorts).

When I looked at the screen I couldn't tell much. There was a dark circle slightly off to the side and a couple of squiggles on each side. The squiggles were the fallopian tubes, the circle is my uterus. It didn't look anything like you see in a health class diagram.

After the procedure the nurse hands me a pad to put on as there is often leakage. The pad was close in size to what I imagine an adult diaper must look like. I'm grateful that I had a panty liner in my purse! The liner was necessary as I have had some definite spotting since the procedure.

Anyway - all of our fertility testing is done. So far all of our results have been good. So why are we on cycle #20 of TTC? That will be the first question that I ask the RE at our next appointment.

Sometimes women are more fertile after the completion of an HSG. The dye sort of "clears out the cobwebs". Let's hope that we are included in the "more fertile" category.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Sunday, November 8, 2009

This is a date that I definitely feel like I need to post on. But it's not an easy post to write.

November 8th was my estimated due date (EDD) for my pregnancy. November 8, 2008 that is.

After the miscarriage one of the things that kept me going was knowing in my heart that I would be pregnant for sure by the time my due date rolled around. That didn't happen. And now here we are another year later and I'm still not pregnant.

Truthfully I don't find this date as depressing as the anniversary of the miscarriage. That was the worst imaginable day of my life. November 8 is just a reminder of what could have been.

I know that for some women their EDD is a really rough time for them. It's not easy for me either, but it's not the end of the world for me either. It's a date I doubt that I will ever forget.

On one hand I feel like I should be grieving more for what I've lost. On the other hand I feel like I need to move on and get past this.

I think that time has definitely helped me heal - as it tends to. But also knowing that we are finally seeing an RE and moving forward is also helping.

So, I don't really know how to write this post. It's hard to commemorate the anniversary of something that didn't happen. But I feel like I need to do something.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Are you pregnant right now? Is this your first child? Do yourself a favour and do not put yourself on any mailing lists!

When I was pregnant (which seems like a lifetime ago) I signed up for a discount card at the maternity wear store (yes, I was so excited that I had already started to buy maternity clothes. Most of which are still in my closet with the tags attached).

That small act has resulted in me getting coupons and samples in the mail for each of my baby's "milestones". Unfortunately my baby didn't even survive long enough for us to see his heartbeat on an ultrasound.

A month before our due date we started to get diapers and formula in the mail. Every few months after more would show up congratulating us on our baby's growth and development. Do you have any idea how this feels to a woman who not only lost her baby but hasn't been able to conceive again?

The kicker was the telemarketer who called to congratulate me on our "new arrival" in an attempt to sell me an education savings fund. I do feel bad now for my response, but at the time I think it was forgivable. I said "my baby died" and hung up.

I don't mean to sound jaded, but excuse me, I am. So please, if you are expecting, wait before you put your name on any list. Trust me, you can sign up at any time, just don't do it too soon!

And to the companies who have that information - make it easy for families to get off your list. 25% of pregnancies end in a loss. That's 25% of your potential customer base that you are hurting.

If you're wondering what I did with everything - all of the coupons hit the recycling bin. The formula samples (mostly full sized) were donated to the food bank.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

By a show of hands who here has heard of Body Talk therapy? Nope, not me either. A couple of months ago I went for a massage with a new massage therapist. I told her about our struggles with getting pregnant and she suggested that I go for a Body Talk session. She said that one of the practitioners at the clinic used it to cure her infertility.

I'm totally open to all options. You all know that I'm walking around with acorns in my pocket right now. Heck, I'll try almost anything (I do draw the line at drinking my own urine to cleanse). But money is a little tight right now, and I sincerely doubt that our insurance will reimburse me for this.

The other day I finally decided to go for it and book the appointment. Maybe the prospect of having to shell out $10,000 for IVF treatments got me to thinking that $100 is much more affordable!

I'm still a little confused about how the treatments work. Basically she held my wrist and asked a series of silent questions - not to me, but to my spirit guides and angels. She then would tell me what needed to be "fixed". And she would clear the path to wellness.

Definitely you need to go in with an open mind and you must be open to alternative therapies and treatments.

But I came out of the treatment feeling positive. Plus she actually said that I won't need any more treatments - and that definitely leads me to believe that she's not money grabbing.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Cycle #19 was a bust - just like the 18 previous cycles. Today I start cycle #20.

I was completely caught of guard with this period. I had no symptoms of its approach (other than my drop in temperature). No pimples, no food cravings, no cramping. Instead I woke up this morning, feeling pretty good in fact. My good mood lasted for about an hour until I picked up my BBT thermometer and checked today's reading.

My temperature had dropped a bit yesterday. I was hoping that was just a blip since I hadn't slept well. In fact, I honestly thought that it would go up again today. When I saw today's temp I had to check it again.

96.58 degrees Fahrenheit. At this point, I knew that there was no hope that I could be pregnant, none whatsoever. But I felt good and got on with my day.

During this morning's staff meeting I started to feel a few small cramps. I rushed to the washroom right after to "get prepared" for my period. Instead I was greeted by her early arrival.

It reminded me of when I was a young teenager. Too young to really know anything about my period, too young to be on birth control, too young to care. I never tracked anything about my periods then. I really had no idea of when my period would show. After a couple of embarrassing moments, I soon learned to pay attention. This morning was very nearly another embarrassing moment!

So onwards and upwards. I went home at lunchtime and called the fertility clinic to book my HSG and I called the radiology clinic to book my ultrasound. I will go for another FSH test on Thursday. Hubby has his second semen analysis on Thursday as well (this time they are testing for antibodies).

Other than the testing this will be a "normal" cycle for us. We aren't scheduled to return to the fertility clinic until December 15th. Hopefully if I'm not pregnant by then we can start to get more aggressive.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Before Hubby and I were married we discussed having children. We were both certain that neither of us wanted kids. Yup 100% sure. In fact we were married for nearly 10 years before I started to change my mind. Maybe it was being surrounded by pregnant friends, or maybe it truly was the tick-tock of my biological clock, either way, I was determined. I even had a name picked out!

I told Hubby that after being on birth control since I was 19 that I was done. It can't possibly be healthy to have all those hormones added to my system for so long. So I said that the responsibility of birth control was now his.

It was like that for nearly 18 months. I wasn't charting or anything like that - in fact looking back - I was blissfully ignorant of all things TTC! But I was getting impatient. I had always tracked my cycles and kind of guessed when I was ovulating. So in February 2008 over Hubby's birthday weekend, I made sure that we had sex a few times.

2 weeks later my period was late. It had been a couple of days late before so I wasn't thinking anything about it. I finally went and bought a home pregnancy test and lo and behold there was a second line! I was pregnant. I was excited and scared all at the same time. I was nearly 35 and had never been pregnant before. Hubby was surprised and happy too.

The next 5 weeks we read books on pregnancy and planned out ways to tell our families. I joined the online community (which has become my online family), and if you're TTC, expecting, or a mom I urge you to go to: Just Mommies. Mother's Day was right after our 12 week ultrasound and we had planned to send copies to our moms.

But I was never sick or nauseous and this worried me. My mom was horribly sick for both her pregnancies and I had assumed that I would be the same. At my 8 week appointment I told my doctor my fears. I said that I no longer had any symptoms and that I didn't feel pregnant. She suggested that maybe I was one of the lucky ones, but she did order a couple of blood tests for me. This was on Friday.

On Sunday I had some brown spotting. I had assumed that I had overdone it that day and tried to take it easy. But I was still spotting on Monday. On Tuesday I called the doctor's office. The nurse said that brown spotting is okay and not to worry. On Wednesday night I had bad back pains. On Thursday I woke up to red blood, I wasn't spotting anymore. We went to the ER where they confirmed that our baby had died somewhere around 6 1/2 weeks. They scheduled me an appointment the following day at the Early Pregnancy Loss Clinic and gave me 6.

Percocets.

On April 11, 2008, only an hour before my appointment, I had my miscarriage at home. Let me tell you it's nothing like you see in the movies or on t.v. I've never felt such pain - it was horrible and the pain medication did nothing to help. I finally called Hubby and said "come home NOW!" He did, he saw me and wanted to rush me to the ER again. I said no, we have our appt soon. The nurse at the clinic confirmed that the worst was over and ordered an ultrasound to make sure everything had passed.

The next week I walked around in a daze. I barely remember anything. My boss gave me the week off (thank goodness). I went to the mall to walk around for some exercise and I very nearly bought a puppy - I wasn't thinking straight!

I racked my brains trying to figure out what I had done to cause the loss. Was it the new face cream that I had tried? Was it the 1 drink that I had before I knew that I was pregnant? Was it because I had cleaned the cat litter box? Maybe it was the green tea that I drank each night... I almost wished that I had caused it so at least I could prevent another one.

My doctor gave me the go ahead to start TTC after my period showed. Which was only 23 days later. We did start, this time charting, using OPKs, and anything else that we thought would help.

We have been actively TTC for 19 cycles now. The grief from our loss has faded, though I'll never forget the pain (both physical and mental). I thought that we would conceive again right away since we were actively TTC now. Wrong! I've learned that infertility is a whole new type of pain.

Before the sight of a pregnant woman would remind me of my loss, now it's a reminder of what I can't have.

However, the support that I found in others after my loss was amazing. I sought out one co-worker who I knew had had 3 losses for her support, 2 others approached me to tell me about their losses. My online friends have been there to listen to me whine and to support me when I'm feeling down. There are still days when I am low - our loss date (April 11) and the baby's due date (November 8), but we're healing.

I believe that our loss and subsequent infertility will make us better parents in the end. We will have a greater appreciation for our child(ren). When we look at them we will remember what we had endured for them.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

So yesterday Hubby and I made our way to our first appointment at the fertility clinic. I didn't know if I should be excited because we were finally getting help, or nervous at what they might tell us.

We each had to fill out and bring a 4 page questionnaire. On top of that I printed out 6 months of my charts and I had a few questions to ask.

I think we saw the doctor for a grand total of 5 minutes! I was not impressed. She asked how long we have been TTC - I told her actively since our miscarriage and we were not preventing for about a year and a half before that. She asked if I had had a D&C. I said no. She asked Hubby if he had ever impregnated anyone else. And then she went on to explain "the fertility cycle" complete with a diagram! Hello!? Do you think that anyone with an internet connection in this day and age who has been TTC for over a year doesn't already know every single detail of TTC and fertility treatments?

I sat there and tried to look interested as she pointed out the stages of the menstrual cycle. But all the while I was thinking "get on with it, get on with it".

When she was done I asked her what the results were from my FSH and progesterone tests and also Hubby's SA. She flipped open the file and said "good". Then she said that she'll order more tests and then based on that we'll probably try Clomid and possibly an IUI or we could try IVF and get a better chance of conception.

Overall - I was not very impressed. I realize that they are insanely busy, but come on! At least seem more interested in us.

There was definitely a shinning moment though. Hubby was looking at the papers that they gave us. He saw that for IVF there is a 3 - 6 month waiting list. He figures that we should register for that now to save time later. I was quite surprised that he would be so game for IVF. I told him to finish reading about it and make sure that he's ready to live with me when I'm full of hormones and we also need to figure out our finances.

Our next steps: On CD1 I will call them to book an HSG - to be scheduled on CD7. I get to go for another FSH test on CD3. I also need to book a transvaginal ultrasound to look for cysts and polyps. Hubby gets to go for another SA where they will test for antibodies. We also booked a follow up appointment on December 15th.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

You know how in March Xmas seems so far away, but yet you're still thinking about it? How you let that excitement build for the next 9 months? How you build up the day so much in your mind that you almost hope it never comes in case it lets you down?

Well that's how I'm feeling about my appointment at the Fertility Clinic tomorrow. I had first asked my GP about a referral after we were actively TTC for 6 months after our loss. She said that we had recently been pregnant and it can take a while, plus, even though we're over 35, we're healthy. She said to wait until we were TTC for a year. So after 12 cycles (not quite a year) I went back and said that I wanted to see a specialist. She ordered some tests and said that she would write up a referral letter. She did let me know that it could take up to 6 months for an appointment.

Fast forward to today. That appointment is tomorrow! My emotions are ranging from excitement to anxiety. Excitement because we can take a more aggressive approach to TTC. Anxiety because, what if they find something? What if it takes forever to get our tests done? What if we do treatments and they don't work? What if...? As you can see there are more anxieties.

I am glad to finally be moving forward. But I'm an impatient control freak and I want results NOW!

Monday, October 26, 2009

I'm back from visiting my grandparents and I seem to have brought a new lease on life back with me. My grandmother just turned 95, and my grandfather is not far behind at 93. While visiting I wondered how many other 30-somethings still have grandparents, let alone 2? They have been married for 72 years.

I thought of all that they have experienced and overcome in their lives. Certainly they had a lot of challenges, but they're still here. Their first child was conceived with little effort - but was born breach. Then there was a miscarriage. Then they were separated for 5 years while my grandfather was away for WWII. Then, like so many others, they had a baby after the war. And then nothing for nearly 10 years. Then they had a 3rd child, unexpectedly, 9 years after the 2nd child, and while my grandmother was 41.

Do I think they would have been unhappy if they had not had children? No. I think that my grandmother would have been everyone's favourite aunt and she would have been very happy.

I realized that for all that time they were most likely never charting, certainly not using OPKs or a fertility monitor, and were so busy living life that TTC never took over. I want my life back.

I'm young - so what if I'm in my mid 30s? 3 of my grandparents have reached 90 and the 4th was in her 80s when she passed. Based on that I'm barely middle aged! I'm no longer going to stop doing something that I enjoy simply because "I might be pregnant". Darn it, I used to have a really flat belly and it's going soft! I need to start going back to the gym - I want my flat belly back!

So here is my pledge:

I will no longer avoid buying new clothes in case I might be pregnant. Pregnant or infertile I still need to look good!

I will no longer avoid physical activity in case I might be pregnant.

If I'm craving sushi and I haven't seen a BFP - I'm eating it! (same goes for soft cheeses and wine)

I will not let my chart dictate my love life

I will not avoid planning a vacation

Regardless if Hubby and I ever have a child, we will be happy with our lives.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Monday, October 19, 2009

We all know that not every woman has a 28 day cycle, and certainly not every woman ovulates on the 14th day of her cycle. It seems that in the land of infertility I score an A+ when it comes to my cycle. I am one of the lucky ones with a 29 day cycle (average) who ovulates between cycle day 13 - 15.

So, since I'm on cycle day 13 today that means that I will be ovulating in the next couple of days. You know that that means....

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Almost, October 18th is our anniversary. Our 13th wedding anniversary to be exact. Where does the time go? The first ten years breezed by as we were busy with our careers and buying a house or two, and traveling. The next 3 years (at least for me) can be sectioned off into my monthly cycles and then even further into 2 week increments.

It hardly seems like that many years have gone by. I'm so grateful that I met Hubby when I was young so I didn't have to waste much time looking for him. I look at my single friends and I'm so happy that I'm not in my mid-30s and still dating (mind you, many of them already have kids - they didn't put everything off).

No matter what happens as we TTC, I know that we'll be okay. We have each other and will be happy as parents or not.

I love you Hubby!

*Note: we actually eloped, so this was not our wedding cake! I'm "borrowing" it from Lindy Smith.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

October 15th is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day. Other than my angel's due date and the date of my loss, this is an important date for me. This is a day when all of us mothers, and fathers, and extended families can all lend support to each other and remember our angels. Our stories will be different, but the ache in our hearts will be similar.

I know that if you haven't experienced a loss that you might not know what to say or how to feel, and that's okay. All I ask is that you let us remember our angels.

Miscarriage and stillbirth is still so common (and unfortunately will never be 100% preventable). The sad statistic is that 25% of all pregnancies will end in miscarriage.

I guarantee that you know someone who has lost a child. Just in my office there are 4 of us (25% of our workplace).

So please, wherever you are, light a candle at 7pm tonight to remember our angels.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Monday, October 12, 2009

If you're Canadian, today is Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving - eh. Hubby and I celebrated yesterday with our turkey dinner and a nice bottle of wine (of which I got to also enjoy thanks to AF).

And while we've had our fertility struggles, workplaces issues (like Hubby getting laid off), and our share of money worries (thank you global recession) - we also have reasons to be thankful.

I'm thankful that hubby and I are both employed and working for good people.

I'm thankful that we are smart with money and while the savings account has definitely dwindled this year, we are not in debt (except for the mortgage).

I'm thankful that we live in a country that offers healthcare for everyone.

And ~ I'm very thankful for my Hubby. He is truly the yin to my yang. In other words, where I get all worked up and stressed out, he stays relaxed and calm. He has truly been my rock while we go through infertility.

It would be so easy to get bogged down in my negative thoughts and feelings, but I know that there are so many people out there whose lives are not as easy as ours. When I start to get down I think of the poor people of Indonesia & the Philippines whose homes have been washed away by flooding. Or I think of the many people here in Canada or in the USA who have lost their homes during the recession. And when I think about my angel, and how tragic that loss was, I know that there are families out there who have lost more than one child.

So yes, I am truly thankful. While things are not 100% perfect in my life, things could be much, much worse.

I hope that you will all take a moment to reflect on the things in your life for which you are thankful.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Women are usually "half glass full" kind of people. That's why, when we first start to TTC, we also can't resist buying home pregnancy tests (HPTs) when we're at the store. We count down the days in our cycle until test day and then we start testing.

But for many of us that first test, then the one the next day, and the next all result in a BFN (Big Fat Negative). This will not deter every woman. Many will continue to test with reckless abandon each new cycle, thus spurring the phrase in the online community of being a POAS Addict (pee on a stick addict).

For other women, each negative test result will act as negative reinforcement. And to them, just the thought of POAS is depressing. I call those women POASAvoiders.

For the record, I'm an avoider. I'm also cheap. Every time that I have tested (since the loss) has resulted in a BFN. Each time I see that BFN I think to myself "I could have peed on a $10 and had the same results - BFN and $10 down the toilet".

Home Pregnancy Tests generally are not cheap. In Canada I've seen the prices range from $8.99 - $15 per test. I know that they are less expensive in the US and that you can also get better prices by ordering online.

Not all test are the same either. Some are midstream (the kind you pee on), some are dippers (when you have to collect the pee in a cup and dip), some are early detection, some are digital, all vary in the amount of HcG that they detect. The type that you use will depend on your preference and your pocketbook.

We already know that I'm a POADAvoider, so why is it that I find myself wandering in the Family Planning aisle whenever I'm at the grocery store or the pharmacy? How wasteful is it to buy an item that you know you will not use, and that you know will also expire? What kind of person would spend money needlessly during a recession?

Ladies (and gentlemen too), I give you exhibit A: My stash of HPTs.

You'll note there are 10 IC's (internetcheapies), 3 digital tests, 1 FRER (First Response), and 3 drugstore brand. That's 17 tests! Plus, I've had the one digital test for so long that it expires this month! What a waste! Remember, Canada has public health care. I don't even need to buy tests. I can go to my Dr. or to a clinic and have a test done there - no charge (but a waste of time for the Dr if AF isn't late).

I wonder if there's some sort of HPT bank (like a food bank) that I can donate them to?

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Wow there's no easy answer to that question! Yes, I often wonder if it would have been easier to get (and stay) pregnant if I was 10 years younger. But the truth is, 10 years ago, I wasn't ready to be a parent.

I definitely think of the money and effort that I wasted on birth control over the years.

I've never been one of those women who goes gaga over babies. Sure, I think they can be cute, and I love to hold a newborn, or to play with an infant, but I never pined for one of my own. Truth is, if I enter a house with a new baby and a new puppy, I'm more likely to go to the puppy first.

When Hubby and I were married we both agreed that we would be happy if we didn't have any kids. We were very focused on our careers and we love to travel. If we had had kids 10 years ago, we would not be living in the house that we have now, and we would not have been able to see as much of the world that we have.

So, truthfully, no. I don't regret waiting until my mid-30s to start my family. And over the past 3 years I've come to accept the fact that we may not have a family. And I'm okay with that too. We're not going to let TTC stop us from living our lives. We will still plan vacations (once the recession is over and we have money in the bank again), I'll keep cleaning the litter box, and occasionally I'll have a glass of wine.

Thanks for asking. Keep the questions coming! You can e-mail me at: pregnantyuppy(at)gmail(dot)com

Saturday, October 3, 2009

On Friday the Fertility Clinic called to book our first appointment! In Canada we have public health care which means that unless you have a life threatening condition, there is usually a wait list to see a specialist. Plus, there are only 2 fertility clinics in our province that serve not only our population but also the population of a neighbouring province that doesn't have a clinic. So, it can take a while to get an appointment. My Doctor wrote the referral letter back in the spring. So it did take about 6 months for our appointment. Good thing I'm patient.

We meet with our RE on October 28th. In advance of our appointment both hubby and I have to fill out detailed medical history forms. Plus, hubby has to go for another SA since his original SA did not test for everything (eg. antibodies). At our appointment we'll discuss our history and more tests will be ordered. Most likely I'll have to go for an HSG (Hysterisalpingogram) - doesn't that sound like fun? A treatment plan won't be created until all of the test results are in.

Until then, I can pin my hopes on this cycle (currently 10 DPO) or the next cycle (I'll be around 7 DPO at the time of the appt), and while I do that I can relax knowing that I'll soon have a medical expert to help me.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Unless you live in a remote cave and are cut off from all modern methods of communication. You are most likely aware that October is breast cancer awareness month. A very noble cause, but one that I choose not to support. Let me explain why:

Cancer has certainly affected me. Like everyone else I have lost loved ones to this horrible disease (once called the plague of the 20th century). I do donate to cancer research, but not specifically to breast cancer research. Whoever was hired to be in charge of marketing for breast cancer has done an amazing job! No kidding, I am truly impressed. For what other cause can you buy a shopping bag or spatula and lend support?

And that is one reason that I choose not to support this cause. Why would I buy a pink kitchen mixer knowing that the actual researchers are hardly going to receive any money from my purchase? I'd much rather donate directly.

Being in the forefront with a great marketing campaign is great. Everyone knows you exist. But unfortunately other great causes get left behind. The actual #1 killer of women in North America is heart disease not breast cancer. But most do not know this.

I'm not going off on this rant to say not to donate to breast cancer. Absolutely not. If you are donating your hard earned money to any charitable organization that is awesome!

For me though October will always be Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. We don't have any special kitchen appliances that you can buy. All I ask is that everyone be aware of how common it is to lose a child or a pregnancy. I guarantee that you know of at least one person that has suffered a loss.

Treat us with respect. Talk about their loss. Remember them on Mother's Day. Don't pretend like it doesn't happen or assume that it won't happen to you. It can. I hope that it won't, but it can.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I wanted to have a real productive day at work today since I was only working a half day. I think that I did accomplish that. I'm feeling a bit more motivated lately. That's definitely a good thing!

This afternoon I went to see the Dalai Lama. It was a great experience and I plan to write a post all about it soon. I'm really glad that I took some notes while I was there. Already I'm forgetting some of the things that he said. While there my breasts started to hurt. Could it be a symptom? Should I even think that way?

You'll be pleased to know that I did bake the chocolate zucchini cake that I wanted to do yesterday. It's my turn to bring snacks to our sales meeting tomorrow and this won't cost me anything. Others will buy muffins at the coffee shop when it's their turn, but that adds up really fast!

To sum up, I worked, got enlightened, my IPS has started, and I baked. All in all, a busy day.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I'm supposed to be baking a batch of chocolate, zucchini cupcakes to bring to my Sales Meeting on Thursday morning, but I really don't want to right now. Besides I haven't posted anything in a while and my readers (all 5 of you) deserve better! My coworkers really don't need me to provide them with more empty calories anyway. Maybe instead I'll bring rice cakes and peanut butter.

I have a couple of e-mailed questions that I need to respond to (don't worry, I'm not ignoring you), but I want to do some more research before I post a response. I will get to them in a day or two (I promise).

Today I want to talk about a compulsion (or is it an addiction?) that I have. I love buying (and wearing) pyjamas! There's nothing more comfortable than a pair of flannel PJs and a nice t-shirt. Much to Hubby's chagrin, I'm not a sexy PJ kind of girl. I probably have at least 15 pairs of PJs!

I have different styles of flannel pants for winter, some with t-shirt tops, some with long sleeved tops, some with one of each. I have lightweight cotton pants to wear when it's not quite winter, not quite summer. Of course I have 2 or 3 pair of capri pants with tank tops for the summer.

They're just so versatile; put on a pair of socks and a sweatshirt and you're ready to face the world! That is of course if the world means

your house and possibly your backyard. As much as I love my PJs, I never, ever leave the house while wearing them. Please do not be one of "those people" - yes it's possible to be dressed "too casual"

Friday, September 25, 2009

Folic Acid is recommended for any woman who is or who wants to become pregnant soon. A minimum of 400 mcg (that's micro grams)is recommended daily for those who are trying to conceive or who are pregnant.

So where does one find Folic Acid? Folic Acid occurs naturally in many vegetables, legumes, and meats including: spinach, asparagus, broccoli, cabbage, peaches, almonds, lentils, and organ meats such as kidney and liver. I don't know about you, but I am not a fan of organ meats - but I do eat a lot (and I mean a lot) of leafy green veggies.

In addition to occurring naturally in some

foods, many processed foods have been enriched with folate. I use both terms interchangeably, however folic acid is the manufactured form of folate.

In 1996, the USA Food and Drug Administration (FDA) established guidelines requiring the addition of folic acid to enriched foods including cereals, bread, pasta, and other grain products.

Have a look at the label on your breakfast cereal to see how much folic acid is included in each serving.

Knowing all of this information, I got to thinking: just how much folic acid am I ingesting each day, and is there a risk that I'm getting too much?

Each day I take a prenatal vitamin. Most brands contain 400

mcg of folic acid. The brand that I take contains 1000 micro grams. In addition, my Primary Care Physician (PCP) suggested that I take an additional folic acid supplement as there has been some research that indicates that this helps when TTC. So, before I eat any food I've already taken 2 miligrams of folic acid - that's 1600 mcg more than the minimum recommended amount.

But wait, I haven't eaten anything yet! I start most days with a bowl of cereal, we know that cereals are fortified with folic acid. So that bowl of Frosted Flakes or Corn Pops contains approx. 10% of my daily folic acid requirements (approx 40mcg).

Let's say for lunch I got to the Chinese restaurant across from the office. The vegetable stir fry with broccoli, bokchoy and snow peas will also contain folate.

Then maybe for dinner we have pasta - then I'm sure to be getting more folic acid.

The other day I started to wonder is too much folate dangerous? Not surprisingly, it's hard to find information on that. One website says that the upper limit of folic acid is 1000mcg (the amount in my prenatal vitamin). If that were true, I could be in trouble since I eat a diet rich in folates plus I take a supplement (or two) I am well above that amount.

The good news is that folic acid (the manufactured additive) is water soluble. So any excess gets filtered out by the kidneys and literally goes down the drain. So, I shouldn't worry. In fact when I did an internet search on "folic acid overdose", every site that I read said that it's not likely to happen.

I think that TTC for so long has me so worried about everything that goes into my body. I guess it's good to know what it is that you eat.

*Remember do not take any supplements without first consulting your doctor.

My Chart

Copyright - The Pregnant Yuppy

About Me

I first started this blog to record my thoughts during my first pregnancy in 2008. That's when I first became the "Pregnant Yuppy". Then after suffering a miscarriage and subsequent infertility this blog became my outlet to vent my frustrations while TTC as well as a place to connect with others who were having difficulty conceiving or who have also experienced a loss.
In March of 2010 we underwent IVF (in-vitro fertilization) that resulted in a successful pregnancy. In December 2010 our gorgeous son Nathan was born. And thus I became the "Yuppy Mom".
This journey has been long and I've learned a lot along the way.
Many of you have reached out to me via e-mail. Please note that I rarely check my inbox (like seriously, maybe every 6 months). It's best to add a comment.