Symptoms of BPD

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

My name is Catherine Taylor and I have Borderline Personality Disorder (also known as BPD). Not sure what that is? Keep reading and I'll try to explain it to you.

Coping with Borderline Personality Disorder isn't easy. I don't know what's harder. Living with the BPD symptoms or trying to pretend that I'm normal. I mean, I try to explain it to people. I don't try to hide it. But it's not something that can be easily explained. I can't just go through the checklist of bpd symptoms because... well, do you know what affective instability or paranoid ideation is? I didn't think so.

I guess the easiest way to explain it is to just tell you how each BPD symptom affects my life. This means opening up to you in a way I've never done before and it's not easy. I know when you're done reading this, you'll probably think I'm crazy and you'll thank your lucky stars that you don't know me. But you'll also be well informed about Borderline Personality Disorder and that's all that matters.

If you have BPD

I know reading about certain things can be triggers, so please be careful reading this. I talk about how it feels when I self harm, so if that's a trigger for you, please skip that section.

People with borderline personality disorder are always in a state of uncertainty; one minute they are upbeat and happy, the next they become sulky and highly irritable.

Borderline Personality Test

Important!

Everyone has all these symptoms

to a certain extent. To indicate

BPD, 5 or more of these symptoms must be long-standing, persistent and intense.

If you see yourself exhibiting

many of these symptoms, it

might be helpful for you to take a

Test for Borderline Personality Disorder.

And if necessary, make a doctors appointment for a full test.

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

I'm always wondering when my husband is going to leave me. When is that day going to come when he decides he's finally had enough? And because it's always on my mind, I translate everything he does to mean he doesn't want me anymore. When he goes to his friends house, I think he's trying to get away from me or that there must be a woman at his friends. If he walks away while talking on the phone, I think he's talking to (or about) another woman. If he's late coming home from work, I think he doesn't want to be around me or I wonder if he's cheating on me. If I put on make-up and he doesn't say anything, I think he doesn't even care enough to notice me. If he accidentally falls asleep on the couch and doesn't come to bed, I think he must not want to sleep with me anymore. If he wants to go to the store by himself, I think he doesn't want to be seen with me.

Because these thoughts keep roaming around my head, I've tried to control my husband. I thought if I controlled him, those feelings would go away. I asked him to spend less time with his friends, so he did. I told him he had to quit walking away while he was on the phone and he did. I told him to come straight home from work. And he did. I told him to stop falling asleep on the couch so he started sitting up in the recliner instead. I told him if he was going somewhere, I wanted him an automatic invitation. And he let me.

I know you were reading this and thinking "Poor man!" so you'll be happy to know that since I got help, I'm not near as smothering. Yes, I'm still worried my husband will leave me. But now I'm able to think rationally about his actions and not attribute everything he does to mean he doesn't want me.

Pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

Wow! Could that be any more confusing? That whole big sentence up there can be summed up in one word: Splitting. It's sometimes also called black and white thinking. This means I see everything and everyone as either good or bad. There's no middle ground, no grey area. I have an extreme sense of wrong and right and I use that to determine who's good and who's bad.

If I see you as a good person, you'll have my utmost respect and I'll do absolutely anything in the world for you. However, if you do something wrong, I won't want a thing to do with you. You'll be dead to me. And when this happens, I won't feel a thing. There's no tears, no sorrow. My only thought will be to wonder how I ever lowered myself enough to be your friend.

But no worries. I might change my mind and put you back in the "good" category.

Can you see why this is makes friendships and relationships so hard? Even with help, I haven't been able to break this pattern of thinking.

There are a few people in my life that I just consider fundamentally bad and there's nothing they can do will change my mind.

My husband gets mad at me because one of these bad people is his Dad. His Dad is in a perpetual state of unhappiness so he tries to bring everyone else down too. He picks arguments. He complains about everything. And he says things just to hurt us. His actions bring people to tears. Because I think he's bad, I don't do anything for him. When I cook, I don't make anough for him. When I do the laundry, I leave his unfolded on the bed. I always make sure I'm too busy to help him find a phone number or read a restaurant menu. I just don't think he deserves my help.

So when he tells my husband to help him and my husband does it, I get upset. When I ask my husband why he helps someone who's so mean, my husband says "Because he's my Dad".

The sad thing is, I still don't understand and I sometimes wonder if I ever will.

I think I should point out that this is one symptom I enjoy. Don't get me wrong. I don't like seeing people as good or bad, but I like that I have such a strong sense of right and wrong. I think it helps me make better choices.

I have no sense of self because I'm an emotional roller coaster. I'm up; I'm down; I'm happy; I'm depressed; I feel like I can accomplish anything; I feel worthless. Being in a constantly shifting state between mania and depression sometimes make me feel like I'm 2 different people. In fact, if you ask my husband, he would tell you I act like 2 different people.

Let's look at manic me. I'm happy. I'm loving life. I look at myself and I notice my eyes are pretty and that I'm having a good hair day. When I sit down to write an article, the words come so fast I almost can't write fast enough. And when I publish it, I'm oozing with satisfaction and pride at the results. When I decide to build something (wood working is a hobby of mine), my mind comes up with all these creative ideas that I'm positive I can complete and the finished product is always a thing of beauty. I start conversations with people and I really enjoy talking to them. I feel so content with my life that I go out of my way to help others.

Now let's look at depressed me. I'm sad. I wish I could just go to bed and stay asleep forever. When I look in the mirror, all I see is how much weight I've gained, how big my nose is and why does my hair always have to be this frizzy? Most of the time I won't even bother trying to write anything because I know it's going to turn out like crap. But if I do attempt an article, I can't think of anything to write. I don't build much either. I know my furniture and shelves look like crap so why bother? I don't talk to anyone because they don't want to talk to me anyway. And don't even think of asking me for help. My life's so crappy, why should I do anything to make your life better. Just leave me alone.

Now do you see what I'm talking about? I'm two different people. And do you think these 2 different people aspire for the same career? The same life ambitions? Or that they even have the same opinions? I go through life knowing that who I am today could be completely different from the person I'm going to be tomorrow....or even 5 minutes from now.

And it doesn't end there. When I spend a lot of time with someone, I'll start to absorb parts of their personality. I'll adopt their mannerisms or if they have an accent, soon so will I. But it goes even deeper than that. Borderlines are very tuned in to the feeling of those around them. So if something happens that elicits a strong reaction from them, I'll have the same reaction. It's confusing not knowing if I'm experiencing my own feelings or someone elses. I've also experienced this same reaction while reading books.

My self image is also on a teeter totter. I know deep down I'm a good person. I have good values, good morals, good standards. I'm honest. I'm open. I'm smart and have a unique sense of humor. If I were you, I'd want to be friends with me. But like I said, I know all that deep down. Closer to the surface is a little voice telling me I'm a bad person, that there's just something wrong with me.

I've spent the last 14 years ticking these off my list one by one (and sometimes going back for repeats). I bet every Borderline has. In fact, I bet everyone has done at least one of these. I see you're shaking your head no. Well, answer this.

Have you ever felt a little depressed, so you went to the store and bought something you've been wanting for a while?

When you and your ex broke up, did you go out and drink a beer to try to forget them?

Have you ever been upset and ended up driving just a little faster than you intended, possibly without realizing it?

When you were denied that promotion you worked so hard for, did you go home and end up eating an entire carton of Ben & Jerry's (one spoonful at a time)?

These things are all normal reactions and doing them every once in a while isn't bad. But a Borderline can't just do it every once in a while.

Why? Because we always feel worthless and bad about ourselves and we're desperate to find that one thing that'll make us feel better about ourselves. So when we realize how good we felt after buying that pair of shoes or eating that ice cream, we want to feel like that all the time. So we buy more pick-me-ups and eat more comfort foods. We drive recklessly all the time and we drink beer at every chance.

Then we end up in serious debt. We end up with an eating disorder. We end up with a suspended license (or like me, in the hospital, lucky to be alive). And we end up an alcoholic or even addicted to drugs. And when each of these destructive behaviors ends, we move on to the next.

Recurrent suicidal behavior or self-mutilating behavior.

(possible trigger)

Suicide is always a thought in my mind. I've been attempting it since I was a teenager. Most of the time I take an overdose of pills. But I've also slit my wrists and my most recent attempt was by hanging myself. Obviously I haven't been successful.

Why do I turn to suicide? Because I feel like there's no other option. There's been times in my life where I've hurt so bad on the inside, I swear I could feel it on the outside. I just wanted the pain to stop. When I'm feeling this way, I'm convinced my family and friends would be better off without me. I never think of how traumatic it will be for whoever finds my body. I never think of how painful it would be for my family. These thoughts just aren't there. The only thought is that everything will be better when I'm gone. Sometimes these attempts were triggered by a specific event. Sometimes they were just triggered by a severe depression.

After getting help, I went 3 years without attempting suicide. Then in February 2011, I hung myself from the ceiling with the belt from my robe. As I was hanging there, I realized tomorrow was my daughters birthday and I just couldn't do that to her. I cut myself down just before blacking out. That's the first time I had acknowledged what my family would go through if I died. I swore then and there that I would never try it again. And I hope that's a promise I can keep.

Self mutilation (or self harm) is something I've been doing for a long time. I get really upset when people say a self-harmer is just doing it for attention. Yes, some do. But a lot of us are doing it to make ourselves feel better and we don't want anyone to know. I go to great lengths to keep others from knowing. I wear long sleeves in the summer, tattoo over the scars and if someone notices a fresh cut, I say the cat scratched me or I fell down and cut myself.

I cut myself as a last resort to try to reign in my anger (you'll read about my anger in a little bit). I don't like losing control of my anger. It's embarrassing and it upsets people. So instead, I cut. I also cut to try to make myself feel better when I'm depressed. But mostly it's because of anger.

It's hard to explain what I'm feeling when I cut. When I get to that point, I'm usually trembling from anger. Sometimes, I can hardly keep hold of the blade. But the second I feel the blade on my arm, I calm down a little. And when I feel it slicing through my skin, I feel a tingling warmth wash over my body. I feel so calm. I feel so exhausted. So exhausted I can't even hold my head up. So I sit back and revel in the calm for the few minutes it takes for the anger to come back. Then I sit up and and cut myself again. It usually takes 16-20 cuts to make me feel good enough to stop. Then I clean up the mess, dress my wounds and vow to wear long sleeves until the scabs are gone.

Even though I'm a shallow cutter, I have scars all up and down my arms.

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood.

Have you ever heard of mania? It's common with Borderline Personality Disorder (and also with BiPolar Disorder). Mania is where your mind is anxious, hyper alert and racing. Sometimes my mania is triggered by something (like leaving the house or talking on the phone) but sometimes I get manic for no reason. Sometimes it last a few hours, sometimes a few days. Sometimes being manic makes me happy and productive but other times it makes my mind race so fast, I can't comprehend what's going on around me.

When I'm in a manic state, I'm in GO mode. I have loads of energy and I need little to no sleep. I usually get really creative ideas for building stuff or for writing. I talk so fast, I trip over my words and sometimes I can't even form a sentence. If I'm super manic, I forget to do basic things like eating and drinking. After a while, my body starts shaking and my vision gets blurred. Sometimes I experience partial blackouts. I forget whole conversations. I forget little trips (like to the store or the park). I've even written articles and didn't realize it until days later. While this all sounds horrible, I usually enjoy being manic because that's when I feel good about myself. That's when I feel happy and on top of the world. That when I like myself.

Unfortunately it's not always like that. Sometimes mania produces irritability. I hate those times because they like to sneak up on me. One minute I'm fine and then all of a sudden, everything is wrong. My husband calls it super-pms. I'll nitpick about the dumbest things and use any excuse to start an argument. Sometimes I get fixated on something and won't let it drop. Do you know what the worst part is? While all this is going on, while I'm doing all this, I know I'm behaving irrationally and that I should stop. I know my husband doesn't deserve to be treated like this. But I feel a complete inability to do anything about it. I feel like it's out of my control.

Chronic feelings of emptiness.

It's really hard to describe how it feels to feel empty. It's basically a feeling of nothingness, like nothing matters.

When I feel empty, I don't feel pain or sadness. I don't really feel anything at all. No. I take that back. I feel numb. And I feel alone.

I don't have any opinions or wants because I feel like nothing really matters. I don't make plans or wish for things to happen because it all seems pointless. I don't laugh at jokes, I don't cry at tragedy. I don't have the ability to actually feel anything (or the ability to know what to feel), so sometimes I'll copy the reactions of others. It's almost as if I'm in the world, but I'm not interacting with it; like I'm watching myself. I feel like I'm on auto pilot. If I do something, I'm just going through the motions.

Sometimes this empty feeling will turn into sadness. There was one time when I felt empty for 3 weeks. During the day I just sat on the couch, staring at the walls, thinking my thoughts. But at night when I'd go to bed, I'd feel an overwhelming sadness and cry myself to sleep. That's the longest an empty feeling has ever lasted. Usually it's just a few hours.

During this time, I just want to be alone with my thoughts. But even if my husbands here and sitting right next to me, I barely notice him.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.

The thing about Borderlines is that our emotions are so strong. We love with every fiber of our being. And we feel hate and anger right down to our core. Sometimes it's hard to control.

When my anger explodes, it usually isn't because of something huge. In an effort to control my anger, I let things pile up in me and then when that one last little thing happens (like the straw that broke the camels back), I explode. At first, I start to feel hot. Then my thoughts start getting confused, like they're all jumbled up. I can feel the room closing in on me. I have trouble breathing. I can feel all that anger all that HATE building up inside me. It's like a volcano just under the surface. Then my vision gets cloudy (sometimes I see double) and the room starts to spin. I find it hard to walk straight or to stand without swaying a little. By now, I'm trembling and my hands are in fists. I try to breathe deeply and I tell myself to calm down but at this point, I'm too far gone. So I either grab a blade and cut myself or I lose control.

If I lose control, I destroy things. I grab whatever's nearest and I throw it. Then I grab something else and I throw that too. I keep grabbing and throwing until either there's nothing left or until I've calmed down a bit. And if someone's in the room, I scream uncontrollably at them (although I should point out that I've never hurt anyone while in a rage). Sometimes these rages get so bad that I black out and don't remember what I've done. When I finally calm down, I go into a deep depression and stay there for days.

After getting help, my rages have calmed down and now they rarely happen. Instead of 7 or 8 times a year, now it's barely once a year. And now I'm able to stop myself before I break too much and sometimes before I break anything at all. This is huge progress for me and I'd say of all the things I've changed over the last few years, my husband is probably most happy with this one.

I get stressed very easily. Part of that is because BPD is a very hard condition to live with. And part of it is because it's not the only condition I live with (and mental conditions like to feed off each other). When I get over stressed, I get paranoid. No, you won't find me hiding in the bathtub wearing a tin foil hat and no, I don't think there's a government agency recording to every word I say (at least not all the time). But I do get paranoid of the people around me. I think people do things just to cause me unhappiness.

If two people are talking too low for me to hear, I know they're talking about me (and it's never good talk). I have to have my purse right next to me at all times because I'm scared someone will get into it. When someone does something that irritates me, I know they did it on purpose. And my biggest paranoid fear? That people can tell I'm not normal just by looking at me.

Right now, I'm not stressed, so I'm not paranoid. So this all sounds utterly ridiculous (admit it. You had the same thought). I mean, do I really think my hubby leaves his half empty soda cans everywhere just to annoy me? No. I think he just sets them down somewhere convenient and then forgets about them. But when I'm paranoid, I know he does it to upset me. And when I'm in this paranoid state, nothing you do or say will make me think otherwise.

What makes BPD so different from other mental disorders?

Most mental conditions are caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. That means if you take the right medication, your mental imbalance is restored. However, Borderline Personality is different. Most of the time it's caused by trauma during childhood, trauma so significant that it essentially rewired the brain. As of today, there are no medications to treat BPD as a whole. You can take different medications to help certain symptoms, but that's like chopping off a finger and trying to fix it with a band-aid. The only real fix is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (or DBT).

DBT is an intensive therapy designed to reteach your brain how to think, feel and react. It includes practicing a bunch of mental exercises over and over again to prepare our brains to handle certain situations. It teaches someone like me how how to manage all the overwhelming emotions I feel. It's not easy and it's not fun, but it's rewarding.

Help for Borderline Personality Disorder

After years of riding my emotional roller coaster, I finally realized I needed to get some help. So I started searching for doctors that offered DBT. Unfortunately, the closest one is 500 miles away and even if I could get there, I couldn't afford the treatment. So I started searching for alternative treatments. What I found was a book written by the founder of one of the leading BPD clinics. I'll be honest. I laughed at the thought of a book helping me. I mean, I'd always heard that it took years of intensive therapy to beat BPD. But after seeing that 99% of the reviews were positive, I decided to give it a chance.

When I first got the book, I read through it and was once again skeptical about it helping me. It seemed too easy and some of the exercises sounded silly. But like I said, I was going to give it a chance. It was one of the best decisions of my life.

Through the exercises in the book (which, by the way, are NOT easy or silly), I've learned to better understand my symptoms and why I'm like this. I've learned to think rationally about certain situations. I've learned how to spot my triggers and see my warning signs and prevent certain episodes from even happening. The biggest example of this is my anger. I know that when my thoughts start getting jumbled, that's a sign for me to take a step back and do something that calms me down (like laying down or taking a walk).

Am I cured? Yep! It only took a month! No. I'm just kidding. I'm a long ways from being "cured" but I'm a lot closer than I was a few years ago.

Is it easy? I wish I could say yes, but it's one of the most difficult things I've ever done. Day one started with me recalling certain tramatic events in my life, figuring out how I feel about them and then working through those feelings. Writing them down, realizing they (and the people involved) are part of the reason I have BPD and then working through those feelings is incredibly difficult.

Is it a quick fix? Once again, I have to say no. I read the same sections over and over. I practice the same exercises again and again. I've been at it for years and I'll keep doing it for years to come. Why? Because it's helping and that's what matters.

Getting More Help

A couple years after getting The Angry Heart, I decided to look into DBT again. Big surprise: I still couldn't afford it. But during my search, I was told about another self-help book for Borderline Personality Disorder. After having such great results with the first one, I had no qualms about trying this book too.

While it's similar to The Angry Heart, this book shows focuses more on DBT exercises. I'm using both books now, practicing exercises from both. I've realized that the more I practice, the better prepared I am to use that technique when the need arises. Of course, right now I'm still at the point where I have to consciously tell myself how to act and react, but I hope someday that using the techniques in these books will be like second nature to me.

Video about Borderline Personality Disorder

This video makes me cry every time I watch it. It's just so honest and raw. The owner was scared about putting it up because she thought it was too depressing, but it's not. It's beautiful.

I know after reading this, you probably think I'm completely nuts (which is true) and that my husband is a saint (which is also true). Some of you also might think that because I'm so aware of my disorder, I should be able to just change my behavior. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.

When I was a child, I suffered through horrible abuse and mistreatment that basically rewired my brain. It took years for that to happen and it won't just go away because I want it to.

To put it another way: Suppose you're left handed but you want to be right handed. Just because you know you're left handed, doesn't mean it's going to be any easier to teach yourself to do everything right handed.

I hope this article brought you a little closer to understanding the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. You don't have to sign up in order to comment. Feel free to ask any questions below.

I've received many comments from other Borderlines who feel so alone in their struggles. First of all, I'd like to thank you for having the courage to tell your own stories. I'd like to help, so if you'd like, you can friend me on Facebook and I'll put you in touch with the support group that's helped me more than I ever imagined possible. Make sure to also send me a FB message telling me you came from this article. Otherwise I'll probably think you're a pervy stalker and turn you down :)

Comments are welcome and appreciated

No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.

sending

DaydreamerJay 3 years ago

BPD can really be a struggle for the sufferer as well as their family and friends. This is a very informative and helpful article. Thanks for writing it!

Nancy Carol Brown Hardin 3 years agofrom Las Vegas, NV

Hope you are well. I revisited this because of the issues in my home. It's an inspiring story, and I feel there is still hope for my family member. Thanks again for your courage and honesty in telling this story.

judgemenot82 4 years ago

Thank you, this has really helped me come to realization of what I'm feeling and that I'm not alone, or crazy..

judgemenot82 4 years ago

Yeah I have a lot of thoughts issues,I thought I was bipolar but the more I research and look at what I'm going through it makes so much sense. I was diagnosed recently with BPD, in the past several doctors have diagnosed me with different things like bipolar or post traumatic stress, but I think its BPD! I have a lot of the same issues that I can't seem to control. My mind is always racing but I have no energy..my boyfriend always tells me my thinking pattern is all in my head and that I over anylize everything.. it's a fight or flight feeling I get a lot and a (I love you one day and I hate you the next, please come back I can't live without you... uhh so exahsting and unbearable at times...

anonymous 5 years ago

Wow! You are awesome, you have basically described me to a tea. I thought it was just me. Thank you so much for sharing your story, it has helped me to know that I am not alone.

Rose Jones 5 years ago

Back to sprinkle some angel dust - such a great, great job here. Sharing your pain has helped a lot of people.

anonymous 5 years ago

This is one of the best articles on BPD I've ever read. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

moonlitta 5 years ago

You've done an amazing job here. It is amazing how much can a single text page mean to numerous people. I hope this is the place where they understand they are not alone, and that there are hundreds of people out there leading the same struggle every day. Life is not easy for none of us, and we should more often look into the lives of others to see our situation is unique, yet the lives of other people share the same difficulties, and the same feelings. This really helps a lot, and the way you've explained it allows to everyone interested to identify with you, and empathize.

TommysPal 5 years ago

I was diagnosed with BPD in 1992. Years and years of therapy (still ongoing) have helped me a lot. I am celebrating 6 months with no self injury and no hospitalizations. Yay! Thanks for writing this lens.

KWMoss 5 years ago

Wow amazing explanation, hit real close to home

Peter Messerschmidt 5 years agofrom Port Townsend, WA, USA

It's beautiful and courageous, all at once. My ex of many years ago was a Borderline, but had nowhere near the self-awareness you do... many nods of recognition as I read through this; tinged with some sadness. They know much more about BPD in 2013 than they did in 1992, and that makes me happy. Bright blessings to you!

bossypants 5 years ago

What an incredibly courageous and generous article. You are so articulate and so bravely explain your experiences -- impressive seems too small a word. You'll probably never know all the people you've helped with the story of your experiences. Congratulations on your successes. It sounds like hard work and you are to be commended.

StretchingExerc 5 years ago

What a lovely lens. I am so grateful for such authentic writing. BPD is a personal topic many people shy away from. You have really helped so many people through this lens. Thank you.

Monica Lobenstein 5 years agofrom Western Wisconsin

Thank you for sharing your story! It's so important that mental health becomes acceptable to talk about, and you've helped us all in sharing this. I now understand more about BPD.

gottaloveit2 5 years ago

You've written one of the most important articles I've ever read on the internet. The courage you have is awe inspiring. You've inspired me to open up about a few situations in my life. Articles will be coming. Thanks. Lori. Blessed.

anonymous 5 years ago

Wow... I was in a relationship with a woman for four years, that I loved dearly and when things were good, they were just utterly terrific! But it was like there were two different people - the swings to extremes were just so puzzling and hurtful to me.

And she seemed to have no idea or did not want to recognize the hurt that it caused - and I know that in trying to deal with the behavior, when it was crazy, I probably went a little crazy myself because it was just so... bizarre to me.

She exhibited almost all of what you wrote about above, except for the suicide and cutting, and I'm also not sure of the "manic" feelings. However, I know her memory was very odd at times; she forgot things that seemed strange things to me, to forget, and also there were times when her memory of some incidents or occasions was so off base and incorrect.

There were times when she made me believe that it was all me; that somehow there was something about me that was triggering her into the extremes. There were times when 12 hours after telling me she loved me more than anything, she would be telling me how "evil" I am, and to this day, I still have no clue or idea as to what triggered the changes, quite often.

Other times, the triggers were things that were so small and most people I know would be able to see how small or inconsequential something might be - to her it was a reason to act in a most hurtful, insulting, and extreme manner.

I couldn't understand it. There was never any resolution to issues that would come up. Trying to get to some resolution would often be another "trigger."

But I loved her so much. Part of me still does love that part of her that made us awesome, when things were good... we could laugh for hours together, sometimes, until there were tears in our eyes. We would go out in public and people would ask us if we were on our honeymoon.

It's been just over a year, and it still lingers.

Things were going pretty good it seemed, and then out of the blue, she began yelling at me on the phone.. and told me she was moving 2,000 miles away. Boom. Just like that.

She seems to have no sense or idea of the emotional hurt it caused. She seems totally oblivious to it.

Diana Grant 5 years agofrom United Kingdom

Very insightful - I learned so much - Blessings

anonymous 5 years ago

Thoughtfully explained and clear. Good work on this lens. Even when you've read a ton of the literature, a chance to look at the basics is a welcome resource.

anonymous 5 years ago

Thank you so much for writing this. It has helped me to understand what is wrong with me and how I can help myself. You are saving lives :-)

Genesis Davies 5 years agofrom Guatemala

I have a family member who suffers from BPD and truthfully, I suspect I do, as well, at least certain aspects of it. I will have to get that book.

iamjazme 5 years ago

I have a friend who is exactly like your situation.Now I understand her more.

anonymous 5 years ago

@Othercatt: Thank-you for answering. Good to know it's probably best not to send her this link. I've found the only way to deal is to not have a relationship with her. I'm an adult now. I love my mom but her behaviors are too damaging to me to continue a relationship with her. You've helped me to understand the best I can do is back off and basically save myself. Thank-you. And thank-you for recognizing the disorder and not projecting it onto your kids.

Author

Othercatt 5 years ago

@anonymous: Yes, I have 4 kids, but I've never treated them like that. I love my kids no matter what. I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. You're probably right about your mom. This has come up many times in my group (telling someone you think they might have BPD) and we all agree it's the worst thing you can do.

anonymous 5 years ago

This article aptly describes my mother and the way she acts and has treated me. All my life she has tried to control me and either glorifies me or considers me dead to her depending on whether I am in her good book or bad book. She either loves me or hates me and she can switch on a dime. She accuses me of abandoning her if I so much as say "no thank-you" to something she offers that I don't want (it's like I am not entitled to my own feelings, even about the small things). I have to walk on eggshells all the time for fear of doing something or saying something she thinks is "wrong". She blames me for everything that goes wrong in the family. I'm wondering if you are a mother and if so, can you relate to how I feel? I know if I sent this link to my mother she would accuse me of being the one who is mentally ill. i think it's very courageous of you to post this and I thank you from the heart. PLease help.

CreativeGal 5 years ago

When you empty your heart and soul to others, you allow love and inspiration to flow in.

I've often wondered, deeply wondered, how the Tibetans who are brutally tortured for years on end can maintain compassion and love toward those who torture them -- to not reject them. This week in a book written by the Dalai Lama (I'm not Buddhist, but picked it up spontaneously at a book store) I read his answer. He said they think/feel 3 questions:

1) I am a human being

2) i want to be happy

3) They (he, she) want to be happy

I've switched these to be: I am just a human being. I just wanted to be happy. He (she, they) just wanted to be happy.

Somehow, as hundreds of images from the past flow in, they become immersed in forgiveness and compassion. My feelings of rejection of myself and toward others is melting -- fast.

Thank you for creating this lens.

Nancy Carol Brown Hardin 5 years agofrom Las Vegas, NV

Revisited- This is an important subject, and I wish I could like it twice. Failing that, have some angel dust for your excellent lens. Happy Thanksgiving!

anonymous 5 years ago

I'm like you. I must live with my hateful mood swing. I can't look anyone or think something without thinking if the day after the emotion will be the same. Rage flow in my vein and only my guilty feeling can stop it, i can never lost control aside from myself. But the intensity of our emotion is something unbelievably wonderful. I'm not crazy (i guess) but emotion like this are not stuff people should shed. And I do not want change how I am, pain that I feel every day fill the empty. Instead all want give me psychotropic drugs for mood rage and whatever. So all of this to say I'm not in agreement with you. Is a Personality disorder so trying to change it is like trying to change your inner personality.

anonymous 5 years ago

It would be wrong not to thank you.

So thank you...

I'm sure you understand.

Thank you so much.

anonymous 5 years ago

You have given me hope.. understanding.. and relief.. how truly amazing it is just knowing that there are others like myself out here.. i felt like some sort of failed experiment, settling for the reason of my being as some sort of victim who was simply "better" equipped to deal with all that i have had to deal, and maybe some that i "didn't" but nonetheless, my constant depression and simple misunderstanding of the world around me has been one of the most frustrating existences even someone like myself could imagine.. borderlines sounds a lot better than the "others" or so i have come to call whoever it is that we are.. i can't cut myself, not because im not sad enough, but because i don't want to give anyone a reason to feel bad for me.. anger problems i chalked up to my father. abandonment to my mother. and my lack of control to my life. proud wouldn't quite be the word id use to describe myself, maybe humans as a whole for evolving such talent for extreme measures, but i hate myself just the same for being so open, yet being so closed to the world around me. my brain has somehow let me know that its been wired incorrectly, perhaps through social trial and error or simply too much alone time.. for those of us out there like us, there is no us.. just wish bpd had a nice blue pill i could take and balance myself out. don't try lsd to fix your brain, it makes your curiosity worse. don't blame the world. don't blame yourself. but then what or who is there to blame? or are some of us just unlucky and that's how the cookie crumbles. i have people to blame, don't want to though, gives them power.. im sure someone feels me on that issue.. but again thank you for helping me not feel so scared and alone.. and the video crushed me to smithereens with realization.. cured? negative, feeling better than i did 15 minutes ago, not to mention just yet, my entire existence? Surely..

anonymous 5 years ago

Hello. I have for the longest time it seems been trying to figure out what it is necessarily to even describe what is going on in my mind.

I am 21 years old and have not been in this emotional state but since I was roughly 14-15. Even after reading this I can now at least put words and meaning behind what it is I feel but I still do not understand what triggered the process to begin with.

I have moments where I am happy as you say, At one moment I can be the guy that everyone loves, charismatic and witty and full of stories to entertain. Then on the other hand this same person who is full of life can all of the sudden feel the biggest void of emptiness and I can't explain it.

I have a girlfriend whom which I am so in love with, I could truly never explain how much she means to me and is my world. At times I feel as though you do "why is she not asking to come over? does she not want to be around me?" I have the exact paranoia feeling that you portray. I all the sudden will have all these thoughts and horrible things racing through my head. Even before the thought hits it is like subconsciencely my mind has triggered itsself into a mood it has lined up. Of course me worrying is going to do nothing but cause stress when I feel the need to bring up a concern, I do not want to portray a controlling boyfriend to her just her to understand. In no way shape or form could I ever see her hurting me but I cannot control the feeling and I know it is only a matter of time before I push her away and lose her. I can logically talk to myself and say "Josh, you're being stupid this is nothing to worry about. You're going to ruin all of this because of being in a shitty mood." After reading comments of such things this has made me want even more to some how find a way out of this.

In many situations when I am triggered (for no reason) into this what I call threading a needle feeling which I presume is anxiety I then become an angry person. Once in this state I am no fun to be around, my wit then becomes a weapon which is used on others emotions irrationally. Even in this state I am still able to speak to myself logically but it never works. I impulsively say things that I know will only hurt me and there is no sense in saying them but when I do it is not 5 seconds before I am feeling the remorse and emptiness...then it spirals and my thoughts are unclear so I'll continue to lash out. Now ive found myself embarrassed and empty and only wish I could vanish.

I hate waking up already angry, for nothing. Once I am in this mood the only way of breaking it seems to be doing something out of impulse of anger that I know I will regret just to go into the cycle emptiness but even just to realize that's all it got me, emptiness and regret. I truly wish I could have control over my emotions and how I felt about how I see the world. I truly experience all of the signs that you mentioned. I understand this is an isolated incident but this is how I feel no matter what the situation. I've never actually sat down and tried to put in words and explain what it is I feel so I am sorry if it came across very pinpoint on one subject.... everyday and every moment is a different random conflict of feelings. I just hope you understand that this is just the problem of the moment, the next I'm sure is not too far away.

I am sorry that you have experienced this, but I am also sorry that I lived with someone with BPD for 20+ yeas. He refused to admit that he had a problem. He refused get treatment and in order to save myself and my children, I finally had no choice, except to move-on. While it is good that your presentation focuses on your pain, until you are willing/able to acknowledge all of the pain and suffering that you have inflicted upon those around you, you will never be free.....

anonymous 5 years ago

Read your post and I can't stop crying I know how much it hurts to feel alone but I feel more alone then ever I was fine ad happy and all of sudden I'm crying It must be hard to have wrote this but thankyou I know I'm not the only one who feels like this xo

CristianStan 5 years ago

To be honest, I didn't know anything about this before I read your lens, great piece of information!

anonymous 5 years ago

I have never been able to understand why i feel like i feel. I swing wildly back and forth about who i am and what i want. I have a bf who has recently been helping me and showingbme these emotions are not normal. Your blogbhelped me so much. I felt i was alone. I have an appt witj a counselor. I ruined a good marriage bc of these bpd symptons and spuraled into deep depression eating disorder and drinking. I want help. Im so tired of feeling hurt and sad and alone for no reason. Thank you you are so brave

anonymous 5 years ago

I suffer from bpd im 19. Lost the person i love because of my bpd. Its hard. THANK YOU FOR SHARING. It sounds all exactly like me. You make me not feel alone. Its hard and i feel like i will never find love because of it and the way i think :'(

anonymous 5 years ago

i was diagnosed in August 2012. Originally it was major depression but that was wrong i have being like this for 40 years and have spent that time cutting and trying to kill myself. i am finding it hard to get help and my behaviour has escalated in the past few months. My husband has left me my family has disowned me.

anonymous 5 years ago

I just wanted to tell you that this article is amazing. Thank you for being brave enough to share it with us. I'm currently taking a psychology class and a few weeks ago I was looking through my textbook modules to help me choose a case study. I've heard of BPD because my mother has suffered from mental illness for most of her life, but it was exposed until about 13 years ago. She was first diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression..... than they diagnosed her with BPD, and only a couple years ago discovered she actually has Dissociative Identity Disorder. .. ...anyway, so I have heard of BPD but never knew exactly what it was until I read it in my textbook. I have been struggling with my own battle for the past few years. I am 25 and I have gotten some proffessional help but rarely do I find help from others....helpful. I have basically been trying to find my own way. My mother who has been a client at the local rehab center for years, passed on her DBT books and CBT books to me. They helped me in understanding a lot about myself and I can honestly say I have come a long way. A year ago a normal day consisted of everything you described in your article, from paranoia to cutting or threats of suicide. COnstantly thinking the world was out to get me, feeling worthless, and than high on life....I still have some symptoms every once in a while but nowhere near as often as they used to happen. When you were describing your bouts of controlling your husband, I was very much reminded of myself and that is what pains me the most. I hate when he leaves to go anywhere....without me, because even though I know NOW that he is here with ME because he wants ME, when I get in those moods, I still cant help but feel like he is doing something wrong. Anyway, I will definitely be looking into getting help to find recovery. I thank you again for posting this amazing article.

GeekGirl1 5 years ago

i appreciate the share of these informative materials. i just wanted to say that there's nothing to be ashamed if one decides to consult a therapist. in a way, that is good because you are acknowledging that there needs to be addressed in your life.

anonymous 5 years ago

Thanks for sharing, very helpful information. I scored a 23 on the test. I have a lot of the symptoms and have been like this since high school (I'm 55 years old). Now that I have a name for it I can ask my doctor about it when I go in for a check up at the end of the month. God Bless you

advicegirl lm 5 years ago

thank you for this information. my daughter has been displaying symptoms of this for many years, and I believe that it is hereditary. her father suffered from especially the black and white issues without having grays and I never knew why he couldn't understand the differences of shades of gray. i did notice that my daughter, with age, is getting better at controlling her outbursts, she also exercises a lot, which i believe assisted her with the uncontrollable mood swings. anyway, i hope you find your answers.

anonymous 5 years ago

Thank's so much for sharing your disorder with us, I was looking up something for someone else, but you mention about being paranoid , thinking people do things just to bother you, well just so happen's I know people like that, and they have told me that they do this stuff just to get to other people, so dont be so hard on your self, there really are bad people out there, have you ever tried to smoke a little mary jane, it might help with all your going through, and for your father-in-law, he deserves nothing, he is a ass, and you are right in thinking so. best wishes and health to you.

Blonde Blythe 5 years agofrom U.S.A.

Beautiful lens! You're a wonderful writer. I applaud your honesty.

anonymous 5 years ago

WOW! Catherine thank you sooo much for this article! It is sooo well written and I totally relate to it all! Thank you so much for your honesty, it is greatly appreciated! (((hugs)))

Totus Mundus 5 years ago

I think there are more people with personality disorders than we care to acknowledge. It's easier to pretend it's not happening.

Author

Othercatt 5 years ago

@anonymous: It sounds like you have some symptoms of BPD, but the only way to truly diagnose it is through a professional. I noticed you mentioned school. I'm not sure if you mean high school or college, but if you're still in high school, you probably won't get diagnosed with BPD. Most psychiatrists refuse to diagnose it in anyone younger than 18.

anonymous 5 years ago

Is there Another way I could talk to you besides Facebook? I am 21 and I actually had me an my boyfriend delete outs out of the intense fighting and paranoia it caused. I have not been diagnosed, ever. I went to therapy last year where they put me on Prozac but I honestly didnt feel different nor did my anxiety lessen at all stop I stopped going and I stopped the meds. Not only did they not work but they made me gain weight and I'm normally a thin girl. I gained 20 lbs. I have read about BPD before but every person I try to confide in about it like "T, your crazy you don hAve that" mainly because I think the title makes us sound a lot crazier than it is. I'm a functional person. I work teaching preschool at a daycare, but I'm not happy. This article was great to read because I relate so much to alot of it. I've never seriously considered if I had BPD mainly because I try to ignore the fact that there is something definitely wrong with my emotion and brain. My boyfriend can't go to his friends house with out my being completely all over him about who is there if he's talking to girls..etc. and he is a very mature guy who loves me very much. My friends and family get angry with me for being so hard on him because he's so honest and completely faithful. That's where i split because i have in it my brain thAt this specific group pf girls and bad. there is no way around it i wouldn't do a thing for any of those "skanks". they could never be okay in my mind. but in reailty, those are my boyfriends friends from school ad it SHOULD be okay for him to have friends. and when im fine i can realize that. but when the attack or whatever it is tales over im completely right and nothing is changin my mind. i love him more than Anything and do not mean to hurt him. During the fights I know deep down he is being good but there's STILL that fight in me over nothing and I can't get this behaviors or thoughts to stop. Do I have bpd? Scored a 22

anonymous 5 years ago

Thank you just thank you you have written about "me"

I so wish I could find a way out of my abyss :(

anonymous 5 years ago

I'm not alone!

&lt;3

anonymous 5 years ago

@anonymous: BPD patients are subjected to a huge amount of prejudice in the mental health field and from health care workers in general. I hope treatment gets easier for you, read the suggested books. Things will get better, then they will get worse again, then they will get better. BPD life is all ups and downs.

Author

Othercatt 5 years ago

@anonymous: We have more in common than you think. I was diagnosed for 3 months before my doctor finally told me what I had. I also had the same problems telling people about having BPD. If you need help, please read https://hubpages.com/health/explainingmentalillnes... . It'll show you step by step how to tell your boyfriend about your BPD (hopefully without him freaking out like your best friend).

anonymous 5 years ago

Thank you so much for this article. I was diagnosed months ago but I just found out yesterday. Apparently no one thought there was a point to telling me. My best friend brushed me off saying "yeah okay, everybody has BPD," and then immediately changed the subject. No one wants to talk about it and I'm too scared to tell my long-time boyfriend (he's the one thing that gives me some meager sense of identity,) because I'm scared he'll react like my best friend or freak out. I have no other friends because I'm "vicious" and burdensome. I feel like I'm stuck in a small box that keeps growing smaller and I'm terrified at the prospect of having to leave my house. This article helped me take a deep breath when I felt like I've been suffocating. I am so grateful for that.

anonymous 5 years ago

Your an amazing women. I know im not alone with this thank you for sharing your story to us.

anonymous 5 years ago

I saw myself in this video and I'm proud to have survived this long..thank you...I hope to find some light soon

CraftaholicVete 5 years ago

I appreciate your honesty as most wouldn't. Some of these sort of sound like Bi-polar and PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) /which I live with; but nevertheless, I hope that your husband does everything he can to help you and be of a great support. I am proud of you for not cutting in 3 years. I have a hard time with anger as well but am doing all I can to control it. Thank you for sharing and hopefully this will open other people's eyes that not all disabilities are physically seen. Life itself is a struggle but if you have a good support system it helps.

anonymous 5 years ago

Thank you for sharing your experiences with BPD. I have been diagnosed about six years ago and it's still such a struggle. I have been through the DBT group and continue to see a DBT therapist and it helps. As I read through your paragraphs, there were just so many things that you did, that really hit home for me. I felt as though you were telling my story.

Being vocal about this and sharing your story take tremendous strength and courage.

Keep doing well for yourself.

And thank you for helping me feel not so alone. :)

anonymous 5 years ago

oh my goodness i am so proud of you well done, i was lost but with DBT i am found, luckily in australia it is free once diagnosed with BPD, but very hard to get the diagnosis ( many hospital mental ward visits ) and a huge wait list but anyhoo i waited and started the HARD work in retraining my brain, feelings and reactions to situations, i completed the 12 month commitment to it 2 days a week and i am soooooo glad i was recognized in needing this DBT, it changed my life, i am alive now, THANKYOU

anonymous 5 years ago

I believe my son has this, he has pushed us all away, and won't communicate with us. His ups and downsspirals affect my life so much, and I want to help him but I don't know how, reading your article I can see the past few years of his life before me. I know his Father certainly had BPD, and still does, after 12 years of abuse I left him over 20 years ago, but I can now see pieces of his personality in my son.... how can I help him.

anonymous 5 years ago

Wow. Thank you so much. For many years now I have known, as have those close to me, that there's something not quite right with me. The only way I can describe it is that my brain isn't wired properly. Over the years I have labelled myself (and been labelled) as a bitch, over dramatic, hyper sensitive insane mad, bad, dirty, evil. I could go on but I think you understand. I have done and said some heinous things of which I am deeply deeply ashamed. Worst of all I have done these to people I dearly love.

I came across this article after a light bulb moment yesterday afternoon. I am still reeling a bit because things make sense after so many years of feeling incredibly lonely and confused. Forgive me if I ramble. I had spent the afternoon convincing myself that my loving supportive boyfriend was actually secretly in love with someone else and desperately trying to find evidence of this. I even screamed and ranted at him down the phone while he was at work doing a job he hates to support us and our children. I have no idea why but once he'd calmed me down, I looked up BPD (it must have stuck in my mind at some point during my years of trying to figure out why my romantic relationships were always so stormy and dysfunctional). Some of what I read scared me - quite a few writers seem to be very scathing of people with this and see them as manipulative and untreatable. Very negative and disheartening.

This article gives me hope. And where there's hope - there's promise. I so so so want to change and my Mum says that I manage my feelings much better these days. However, I am so in love with my partner that the old feelings have resurfaced. I did idealise him at the beginning and I did do all the BPD stuff like telling him my life story on the 1st night we met and then promptly bursting into alcohol fuelled tears. He's not perfect but his support love and understanding have been invaluable. He has been (mostly) incredibly patient with me.

I want to get a handle on this. I don't want my Mum to cry about me anymore or for my children to worry. I have told my Mum and she's done lots of reading all through the night. So has my partner. I don't deserve their love or support.

I don't know where to go with this though. I'm still digesting it all. I'm scared of having a label and being judged. I have whole chunks of time where I don't think horrible negative thoughts, where if I drink it's a little and I just enjoy it -rather than using it. I feel ok-good. Then kabam. It all comes crashing down.

What can I do to make this better? Where do I start? Please help me.

anonymous 5 years ago

Just wanted to put my two cents in and say anyone that judges a person for having this, is a fool. no matter what a persons disorder, or fault, they are human to. We should all be so appreciative of life and engage in realtions with others no matter what things people have that others don't. You are a strong woman that can overcome any obstacle and i take my hat of to you for that. Keep your mind focused and pursue your dreams. We all have them, and we all need help others along the way. Much love and respect for your post

familialmediter 5 years ago

Very nice lens on such an important topic. BPD is more common than we think and it's crucial we as a society understand how to deal/treat these kinds of symptoms and people suffering from BPD. Appreciate this information you've shared with us. Thank you!

Author

Othercatt 5 years ago

@Bookmama2: My husband has read a lot about BPD. I made sure of it. That way he knows what to expect. It's still a strain on our relationship, but thankfully my husband has the strength for it.

Bookmama2 5 years ago

I commend your courage in writing this lens and providing so much information. I think it's awesome that the one book has helped you so much. Have other family members gotten any assistance from books or counselor to help them understand BPD? It seems like it could put a strain on any close relationship.

anonymous 5 years ago

I want to thank you for shedding some light on BPD. It takes great courage and bravness to share the things you have shared which takes amazing strength to put yourself out there on a public platform. Most people would not of for fear of being judged. Its great to see you have moved beyond caring what other people think because it's a freedom like no other. Across the country people need to reach out to another to have these type of discussions because most people have either suffered some type of mental illness or have had a close family member who has. I have to admit I have had my own battles with PTSD and through therapy and the help of a higher power (not in a religious sense) I am symptom free with the rare nightmare now and then. Sending Love and Light your Way.

anonymous 5 years ago

My gosh you sound just like me and I have been trying to find out what is wrong with me for the last 10 years I have put me and my family through hell with binge drinking numerous times of overdoses which has led to me lo longer being in control of my meds my husband is...no one has yet to label me with anything I have just gone though 2 months of hell fighting with my phychiatrist over numerous things and I have left his office bawling...what agreat he has been..anyway it is nice to hear that it is just not me!!

anonymous 5 years ago

All I can say is amazing! although I'm not medically diagnosed with BPD after seeking dr's support n seeing mental health professional... I relate to a lot of what you have said and it certainly made me feel do much better... I've slowly overcome a lot in my life through supportive family n hubby and my faith in god. I wondered if you could recommend any Facebook or online support groups that are helpful... That would be fab... You take care n keep remembering how much you have achieved!!! Love n peace xx

anonymous 5 years ago

Hi, I'm almost 15. I read everything and I cannot explain how exact this explains me... Thank you.

anonymous 5 years ago

I had just wanted to say thank you for being so brave in writing your own experiences, but also for the information you provided. Truthfully, I feel like I can relate to you, and because of your information I think I have a better understanding of myself, and where to look to help myself. Thank you.

anonymous 5 years ago

You have done a remarkable job on writing all of this. It's very personal and heartfelt and brave as well. Thank you for sharing. I am sure this is helpful to many people who find it whether they choose to comment or not.

anonymous 5 years ago

I personally cannot put words to describe how beautiful this video is...

savingmoneywith 5 years ago

Very brave of you to share your life experieince. Knowing a family as I do I know its hard to speak about yourself like this. Let alone a therapist. Bravo for getting the word out on BPD!!

anonymous 5 years ago

Thank you so much for sharing this, I was diagnosed with having Personality Disorder and had stopped going to therapy along time ago because I could not handle the diagnosis of Having PD and PTSD, so I stopped I came across this page tonight and It has explained a lot to me and in some sort of way Helped me to understand why I feel The way I do on a daily basis (an Eye Opener) I hope to find help again someday....... THANK YOU AGAIN VERY VERY MUCH

anonymous 5 years ago

OMG, Thank you sooooo much for telling your story as I have a 24 yr. old son that has been exhibiting these symptoms since right after puberty. My ex husband has scheduled and paid for about 20 appointments to a sociologist, but he hasent started going yet. This describes him to a tee, thank you again for sharing and we will get these books for him and let the doctor know what I suspect may be his problem! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!!!!!!

anonymous 5 years ago

@anonymous: you wrote exactly what i'm feeling at this very moment sitting in my cubicle at work. I hold it together because I need to keep my job to maintain independence and a vague normalcy for a 32 year old. I don't want my family to find out. they would only tell me to find god, or go see a doctor, or medication. None of which work... i've tried long term. and when it ends up not helping it makes me more depressed. it doesn't help me to know others are the same. I wish it did. I just wish these feelings and thoughts would go away.

anonymous 5 years ago

God bless you. They say that in life sometimes we are inflicted with hardships for a reason, and i truly believe that God has given you this because it was your calling to share your journey with so many in need. Thank you so much for sharing, may God reward you with healing

anonymous 5 years ago

@anonymous: You are the kind of people we need in this world to beat the stigma attached to mental health. Really, well done. I'm looking for something to say that will convey how much you have done for other people with BPD by posting this wonderful piece of work. It is a very selfless act and you deserve all the praise each poster has returned. I really hope you can do more of this sort of work in the future (I'm not really sure how) because this is the sort of stuff needed to beat stigma. Really intimate details, your simply wonderful.

anonymous 5 years ago

I am so happy and sad that I found this. I have and still very much do all of these. I destroy all my relationships and trying to salvage my relationship with my now 5 year old daughter whom I lost custody of. I lost her because of my actions towardsmy boyfriend and the courts dont like to deal with the mentally ill in a positive light. I live a constant hell and the great days are few when compared to the crazy ones. I have destroyed my relationship with my boyfriend who wanted to marry me, but all I do is destroy him. I know it's not right. I push people away because I feel pain, anger, HATE. I feel the Phantom of the Opera. Please don't look at me, just go. I have been dealing with BPD my whole life and I am 26. Out of those 26 years I have only been medicated for a year. If I keep going the route I have been going I will surely end up dead. I get to see my psychiatrist this coming Tuesday. I can't wait.

anonymous 5 years ago

@anonymous: Amalie this is so beautiful I am crying my eyes out reading this. The original post is amazing also so brave and wonderful at the same tine! I can relate so much to a lot of this not all but a lot and wonder too if it's because o childhood abuse etc. I'm scared if I'm honest I know it's weak but I don't want something that's happened in my past to effect me in my life. I was just searching on the web for some of my symptoms and bpd has came up both times.. I already go to therapy for my abusive childhood and all the other things related to it. Maybe I have this maybe I don't but such an amazing read from all of the posters on this. Xxx

anonymous 5 years ago

I have been called a rock, that nothing could ever make me cry. But just that first section had me almost hysterically crying. This made me just.. Happy. I'm not as alone as I thought I was. I'm gonna show my boyfriend this because I have basically been trying this too him for such a long time now. Thank you so much.

anonymous 5 years ago

@anonymous: A good book for people that have loved ones with BPD is Stop Walking on Eggshells by Mason Kreger.

anonymous 5 years ago

This story has hit home to me. I was just diagnosed and my boyfriends still blames me for everything and he does have problems too and at first admitted it and now tells me it's me making him think that. It hurts but I don't feel alone now. I know there are others out there just like me. I praise you for this!

anonymous 5 years ago

I am so happy you put this into words.

anonymous 5 years ago

I only know to say thank you. Im bpd and had no way of explaining to my husband other than im fn crazy. And now I know yes, I am crazy but no im not alone. All I could do is cry and read because IT IS ME! I am going to read it to him tonight. And again thank you so much!

catsimmons 5 years ago

Thanks for sharing this, and all you've gone through to help yourself...it's an inspiration!

MarkJustice 5 years ago

I once dated a girl with all (or most) of these symptoms. It was baffling, but I knew even then that it wasn't her fault.

JackNimble 5 years ago

You are very brave to share this. Thank you for educating me about BPD.

anonymous 5 years ago

You described everything inside me. I have isolated myself from everyone I knew to maintain a feeling of control. I have a daughter that I have trained myself never to get angry at, which is both good and bad. She is the only reason I still exist.

Thank you for sharing this. I've been hiding from all my labels lately, I am on lots of meds, but the emptiness never leaves. I am only in a good mood...maybe once a week, if that. The rest is just a mask.

anonymous 5 years ago

If it was me writing this it would be the same, i feel happy seeing for the first time someone like me... I'm not alone, great feeling.

Sidewinder6661 LM 5 years ago

I admire you so much for sharing your story here. I have a friend who has BPD, and she's told me that she thinks I may have it because I exhibit a lot of the symptoms. I've always just denied it and said there's nothing wrong, but reading through this, I can relate to a lot of it. I took the BPD test you put up there and scored 25, which strongly suggests that I may have BPD. It's opened my eyes a lot to the possibility that I may have this illness, so I may book an appointment to see my doctor. Again, thank you for being brave enough to share your story.

Author

Othercatt 5 years ago

@anonymous: If you get the right books, they can help. But only if you commit yourself. At-home therapy gives you a larger responsibility than traditional therapy. You can't quit just because you see a little improvement. After all, if you see a little improvement in a short time span, think of how much improvement you can make with a long term commitment.

anonymous 5 years ago

This story is like reading my own personal life. I just came to know almost everyone goes through the same pain and problems that I do. Thank you for sharing and making me realise how to overcome it.

anonymous 5 years ago

Thank you. I have BPD and nothing has worked. The doctor started me on Prozac in June after I destroyed my career. I have so much going on I would like to know if the books you recommended worked for you? I have tried books, workbooks therapists. As soon as I feel improvement I go black. I either am too tired to read and can not help but thinking how I just wasted money buying a book. I have spoke with five therapists over the years not one I made it past the third visit. I need help or even just writing and talking with someone that actually can relate may be beneficial to me.

I am 26, I have had an eating disorder for seven years. I am narssactic and BP.

I have been in too many unsuccessful relationships. Two years ago I drove my car off a cliff intoxicated. I lost my liscense and pride. I will be losing my teaching liscense soon.

I want my life back. I met someone that I genuinely care about and I want to stop my disgusting patterns before I destroy this relationship also.

Please help...comments/advice welcome

writerkath 5 years ago

I'm so pleased that you wrote this. I won't go into specifics, but there is a person I will be showing this too, and this lens can help. Thank you. Squid Blessed.

Elyn MacInnis 5 years agofrom Shanghai, China

Your story is remarkable, and I can see how important it was to write about it. Look at all the replies you have! You have created a truly wonderful lens. Thank you so much. Angel blessings to you.

anonymous 5 years ago

trying to figure out what is going on with me, and finding this article was a huge help!! You have nailed all of my symptoms on the head, and i feel like i can finally start helping myself now that i know what i am feeling is not something insane and im not the only one!! Thank you so much for being brave an posting this!

anonymous 5 years ago

Thank you. It's nice to know I'm not the only person in the world who feels this way.

anonymous 5 years ago

Thank you, thank you, thank you whoever you are. I have been diagnosed with everything from Anxiety disorder, to bulimia, to body dismorphic disorder, depression, etc. and this has opened my eyes to something that is all encompassing of everything I experience. My husband is both an antagonist and a non-believer in 'head issues' as he calls them, so I frequently am in an anxious or manic state. I had a cutting episode last night and when my husband caught me, my shame overwhelmed me. I feel like he's going to leave-like no one wants to put up with that type of 'crazy'. Your words have given me hope that maybe there is a way to break this exhausting and destructive cycle. You are so appreciated.

OMENA777 5 years ago

You did a wonderful job on sharing your story on this lens. i work in the mental health field and I applaud you. You are a brave sool. :)

anonymous 5 years ago

I just read your description. Whoever you are, I love you. Thank you so much for opening yourself up and putting yourself out there. If you ever have another episode of thinking negative thoughts about yourself, please try to remember that there is someone out there who truly appreciates you, for your words have helped me tremendously!!

googletraffic 5 years ago

Very useful information. We had to go through this in our family recently. It is a journey we all must make.

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