27 September 2011

Cry

It alarms the cats when I cry. They gather 'round, peering into my face, trying to help, to make me stop. I'm really not sure what set me off this morning. I was coughing, this cold still hanging on, couldn't stop coughing, and suddenly sobbing instead. My Daily Challenge of the day, a five-minute meditation, helped quite a bit, but I still feel "not in control."

The movie last night may have had something to do with it. I watched two movies, and though I'd seen Babel before, and liked it, this time I didn't see much point in either it or the other. The 2nd was Big Bad Love, and a minor character got brain damage late in the film. The girlfriend said, "nobody who didn't know him before will remember him as he was then, and eventually we'll forget how he was too." I don't have the words exact, but that's the gist of it. So I related that to this. That may have been my trigger, though I've slept since then. Lots of crying in Babel. I didn't need that.

I am in no shape to go to school. Good thing I don't have a job -- or maybe having a job would forestall this sort of thing. I don't know. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed, with hopelessness, pointlessness, Bob-lessness.

So I started a fire in the woodstove this morning, burned the paint off the new stovepipe. That's a bit alarming, smoke in the house, but slowly remembered routine set in and now the automatic fan has kicked in and cast-iron pots of water sit on top, replacing the humidity the wood-fire draws out of the air. I put a handful of old dry catnip in one of the pots.

Anastasia left her spot on the heating pad, on the bed, and found a new spot in front of the woodstove. Red also settled in, onto my lap before I left to come to the keyboard, marveling at this new heat source. I know he's been a housecat before, but I also can tell he's never seen a stove in action. His eyes are big with wonder and joy.

The house is warming nicely, though I'm using dry old wood left on the porch from last winter, and though I still need to insulate the stoveroom. There are gaps to the outside on the east wall, where rafters are bare and fascia is still off. I've brought the one bundle of insulation in from the garage, maybe today I'll close those gaps.

The tiny black stray has been coming in to eat every day for a week. I haven't gotten close enough to sex it, so it's "it" for now. I don't think it's feral, just cautious. "Jet" might be a good name, for either male or female. I haven't seen my beautiful dark tabby boy Snuffy since ...Friday night, I think. This worries me. He was in the habit of coming in for breakfast, and greeting me by the garage whenever I came or went. Maybe if I walk in the woods he'll show up; he's done that. I went to the barn, calling, last night, but that didn't bring him out.