Monday, 23 February 2015

The Nightmere of Dean

Before.1

Memories are like stones, time and distance erode them like
acid.- Ugo Betti

or

The Eerie library needed some fast cash to pay for renovations, so some of the
old books that were down in the library basement got sent to the World O'Stuff
and put up for sale. We're talking old books, books that haven't seen the light
of day for years.

- Marshall Teller

Glorious New USB Recorder:KAclick

(Pause.)

Me:So…

Him:What makes you think it’s going to
work this time?

Me:The fact I’ve set it to record.

Him:You mean the first nine times…?

Me:Ha!I didn’t have it on.That’s right.So, the new series of Doctor Who, have you seen anything?

Him:Right, okay.You started off by saying, “Oh.Have you seen the new Doctor Who links?”2

Me:Uh huh.And you said, “No, I haven’t.”

Him:“Oh!I will spoil them again and again for your
unwitting delight.”

Me:And then you said,
“No!No!Please don’t!Please!”

Him:And you said, “But I do it every
year.Even though I promise not to.So this year I not bother promising not to.”

Me:Ha!And then you said, “Talk about Eerie, Indiana
now.”

Him:“No.I don’t think, I don’t think you said that.”

Me:I think I
did.What is that accent?It’s very good Australian.I think it’s supposed to be Australian-

Him:“It’s you.”

Me:It’s me?It does sound a bit like me.Right, so anyway.Something something something spells
something something Eerie, Indiana’s getting better than it used to be-

Him:No, no, no, ‘kay?No.You were saying, “Ah!With every
episode it get more CONFIdent.”

Me:Ha!I did.

Him:“And that mean that it get better.”

Me:Keep going.

Him:“We only have two episode left and,
hopefully, it get even better from there.And, uh…”

Me:Keep going.

Him:And then I said, “Yes!But are you going to start a petition to try
and get it running again?”And then you
said, “Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.But that would be good idea.But
I not have ANY money.”

Me:It’s true.I am actually the Cookie Monster – nom nom
nom - going through a bit of a crisis at the moment because you’re
imaginary.Ha!“Delete cookie?”2

Him:“This is true.”

Me:I can’t remember
[REMOVED AT LAWYER’S INSISTENCE] but most were quite good.

Him:“No, I remember.They were ALL bad.”

Me:Ha!

Him:“And then you started to go on
about the books and how it was a guilty pleasure and that you had been ordering
the books.And that the first book was-“

Me:Where did it come
from?

Him:“It came from Dean
Hall School
in the Forest of Dean, Deanland, Deansbury.”

Me:That’s right,
because then I said, “Sounds a bit like Doonesbury.”And you said?

Him:“What's ‘Doonesbury’?”

Me:That’s right,
that’s right.And I said, “Don’t
worry.”But then I said, “Forest of Dean?Used to go there when I was littler.Littler than I am now, because I’m still quite short-“

Him:Yes, you are.

Me:I am.We had a caravan there.

Him:The caravan was full of bears as I
recall.

Me:No, no – it was
next to the forest, and the forest was full of bears and boars and bees and-

Him:Badgers and-

Me:Bees.

Him:Bees and whatever those little
things are called?With the waffle
tails?And bison and buffalo and-

Me:That’s right,
because that was the only way that anyone…Back then, nobody could afford a television.

Him:That’s what the movies say.

Me:Yeah.

Him:People’d walk past and they’d,
“Gasp!So that’s where I need to
be!I need to be saving the world
there.”

Me:In fact, that’s
part of the reason why I didn’t watch Doctor Who so much when I was young,
because when it was on on Saturdays, we’d go to the caravan and, of
course…Only people who could afford to not have to go on holiday in a caravan had tellies in their caravans.I remember reading Nightmare of Eden and The Horns
of Nimon.

Him:Oh – you had the anagram of
‘Dean’.

Me:That’s right.

Him:Nightmare of Dean.

Me:Nightmare of Dean.

Him:If you change it to Nightmere of
Dean, then it’s perfect.

Me:This is before I
became vegetarian, 'cause I ate those two wasps.

Him:You just did that for fun. The first you ate, you were, “Oh!Is wasp!”And then you picked it up and ate it.You were taken to hospital for, like, three days.

Me:Ha!It’s true.

Him:And when you came back – after
they’d finally managed to get the swelling down – because you weren’t allowed
to go to sleep-

Me:They’re very
moreish.Anyway, something something
something something- Oh!I get to
mention Curt Swan’s Superman, but no-one’ll understand why.3In the field that we were in – because it was
basically just a caravan, a water pump and in the distance there were
toilet/shower blocks, which were quite exciting to hide behind the back of,
err…I can’t remember why.There were some ruins nearby that I used to
make-I’d not long been to see Clash of
the Titans and I used to get very excited…That’s where I discovered that I was immune to stinging nettles-

Him:What’s Clash of the Titans got to
do with the ruins?

Me:I’ll explain
later.I’d forgotten about all of this
until you got the book.Now, in this
field…

3.The campsite’s shop used to stock
copies of ex-ballast Marvel and DC, but the only comic I remember getting
from here with any clarity was a Curt Swan illustrated issue of Superman, featuring Bizarro.After the caravan was towed to
a field next to a massive house, copies of Scream! started turning up.But that’s a story for another book…