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From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1116
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=== 1116 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1116
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1999 13:35:52 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
1116
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1111 67 votes 5bom5 79mk9 35pq8 1con7 6jnd6 4ngi6 76jle 6fiia bmp81 7cckg
1111 3.2 mean 3.2 3.2 3.5 3.3 2.9 3.0 3.4 3.2 2.5 3.4
--- 1116-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle, Bard of the `Net, Minstrel of the Web, Muse of the Modems,
> please answer this for me, Wise Oracle;
>
> What is the connection between golfing and photography that
> brought about the phrase, "Watch the Birdie"?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} A sad, sad misunderstanding with a somewhat happy result, I'm afraid.
} It all started when the Ohio State University Class of 1864 went out
} to have a graduation photograph taken for posterity. Cameras and films
} (actually plates) of the day were terribly crude, and quite fussy when
} it came to exposure. The local photographer had discovered that a golf
} course near the University had the correct combination of conditions
} (open sky, northerly exposure, a slight rise that allowed a group to
} be arranged in rows) for acceptable results, and directed the class
} to meet there.
}
} Unfortunately, the University president was playing golf that day,
} and stopped to watch the session. Needless to say, that made the
} seniors (who in that age actually respected and feared the school
} administration) quite nervous. The entire class of 17 men had to
} stand at attention for most of an hour while the photographer fussed
} and fidgeted with his equipment. Tempers were beginning to flare,
} yet nobody dared raise his voice in the presence of The President.
}
} Finally, just as the photographer was ready to open the shutter, a
} group of underclassmen strolled by and began to taunt the seniors.
} One man in the back row could bear the strain no longer and made
} an ancient and time-honored salute to the unwashed barbarians.
} A number of events happened simultaneously, each with a corresponding
} misunderstanding:
}
} 1) The President, seeing the gesture, shouted a warning to the
} offending senior: "Watch that birdie, mister!" The senior, being
} from Central Ohio, had no clue what a "birdie" was in that context,
} but assumed it was a euphemism for an error in his wardrobe. (He had
} just discovered that his fly was open, which was the subject of the
} underclass taunts.)
}
} 2) The rest of the seniors thought The President was referring to a
} cardinal that had perched in a tree above the camera, and all diverted
} their gaze to it.
}
} 3) The photographer also had noticed the cardinal, and thought The
} President was warning him that it was about to "let fly," and stepped
} away from the camera to avoid the offense.
}
} 4) A golfer nearby chipped in a shot from approximately 30 yards away,
} miraculously dropping the ball into the hole. The golfer was convinced
} that The President was able to predict the future, and was instructing
} bystanders to observe the tremendous shot.
}
} 5) The President's wife conceived a manchild. (But that's another
} story.)
}
} So, you can see the contributions Ohio State University has made to
} the English language. Not to mention developing the first photographic
} red-eye reduction technique.
}
} You owe the Oracle a worthless nut that lives in Ohio.
--- 1116-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O wise and marvelous Oracle,
>
> Why is Silicon Valley such a boring place?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Pip, pip, chap-o! Silicon Valley isn't a boring place at all. I know to
} a casual observer it just seems like a high-tech, geek-infested
} high-tech waseland, but you just have to know how to look at it the
} right way. Take this as an example. Cue music!
}
} Once there was a little old chip
} Seated on a circuit board strip.
} Who really gives a flip? Skip?
} 'Bout a stupid ol' chip?
}
} But he's got...HIGH HOPES!
} He's got...HIGH HOPES!
} He's got...high Apple, DEC, or TI hopes!
}
} Some day he might be placed in
} A new PlayStation
} And be exciting and hip!
} And then OOPS! There goes another AMD
} Whoops! There goes another AMD
} Whoops! There goes another AMD chip.
}
} You see? How many times have you said "This is cool!" while smashing
} bandicoots and driving a big evil clown around in an ice cream truck?
} That boring ol' product of Silicon Valley made it happen. And that's
} not all...
}
} Once there was an engineer guy
} Who worked at his cube long hours at night
} Lifeless and dull and sad...Brad!
} But he doesn't feel bad,
}
} Cause he's got...STOCK OPTIONS!
} He's got...STOCK OPTIONS!!
} He's got...wealthiest guy on the..block options!
}
} You see, that guy's conspir'rin'
} To be retirin'
} To a beach in Kauai.
}
} And OOPS! There goes another engineer
} Whoops! There goes another engineer
} Whoops! There goes another engineer guy.
}
} So there you go! Nothing boring about money, is there? So the next time
} you're down in the valley, remember this little ditty. It'll help you
} remember how exciting even the most boring of places can be!
}
} Well, OK, really, it probably won't. But sing it anyway. I need the
} royalties.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rubber tree plant.
--- 1116-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle! Now we're in for it! Big Louie found out about all the loot
> you've been skimming, and he's sending his bruisers to shake you
> down. What are we gonna do? Where can I hide my Mercedes? Help!
>
> Murray Stickyfingers
> Oracular Accountant
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Too late, here comes Big Louie now.
}
} Big Louie: Listen Huey, you're my brother and I love you. But if you
} ever go against the family again, I'll have you killed.
}
} > Huey? Do you mean....?
}
} The Oracle: Honest Louie, it's all a mistake.
}
} Big Dewey: Louie, I don't care if this scum is our brother. He always
} had the ear of The Don, he always had the best toys. And now he double
} crosses us. I say we waste him now.
}
} Big Louie: You know the rules Dewey, nothing is decided without
} consulting The Don.
}
} [The Don appears]
}
} The Donald: Quack quack quack quack quack. Quack quack quack quack
} quack.
}
} The Oracle: No sir. Yes sir. Right away sir. Yes sir, I understand.
} Yes, I take your warning sir. No, never again sir.
}
} [The next morning The Oracle and Lisa wake up and notice something in
} their bed]
}
} Lisa: ORRIEE!!! THERE'S THE HEAD OF A COW IN THE BED
}
} The Oracle: Oh my, they wouldn't. They did. OH MY, NOT GOOFY!!!!
}
} You owe The Oracle three loaves of stale bread. This is a very nice
} pond you have. It would be a shame if anything were to .... happen
} to it.
--- 1116-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle Most Erudite,
>
> Please tell me why Europeans drive on the left side of the road, and
> Americans drive on the right.
>
> ___________________________________________________________________
> Get the Internet just the way you want it.
> Free software, free e-mail, and free Internet access for a month!
> Try Juno Web: http://dl.www.juno.com/dynoget/tagj.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} This is not as easy for me to do as you might think, young Junoite.
} You see, before I can tell you why Europeans drive on the left, it is
} necessary to ensure that they do so. And since the only country in
} Europe that already does so is Britain, and the British are about as
} popular in the European Union as genital herpes, you can see that it
} would be something of an uphill task getting the rest to convert.
}
} Fortunately, this is not my problem, as I'm only here to provide
} answers to questions, not engineer social change. Therefore it's going
} to be your job to get the Europeans to change, young Junoite. May I
} suggest very large deposits of cash into the bank accounts of certain
} French and Italian European Commissioners (and you'd better hurry
} before the current fraud investigation kicks them all out of office).
} If that fails, I'm afraid you're going to be very busy for a while,
} moving road signs and painting white arrows on the carriageways all
} across the continent. But just think - when you're finally done and you
} ask me again why Europeans drive on the left, I'll answer: "Because
} _you_ made them!" and you'll feel a warm glow.
}
} As to why Americans drive on the right, that's easy. If they drove on
} the other side, they'd crash into the oncoming traffic.
--- 1116-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise, most sagacious, most pleasinglyly plump, whose
> floors I am unworthy to grovel upon, what part of the chicken is the
> nugget?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ever heard of pork nuggets? Turkey nuggets? Veal nuggets? I didn't
} think so. Soon, you shall understand why, meagre supplicant. This is
} because there isn't really any connection to the animal so commonly
} called "chicken".
}
} I was first asked this question by the great Athenian thinker,
} Thucydides. He came to me on Friday, January 16, 542 BC, and said he
} thus:
}
} Thucydides: Oracle, my main man, what part of the chicken is the
} nugget?
}
} Oracle: I've really got to get these guys to show me some respect.
} I mean, _grovel_ a little, Thucydides!
}
} Thucydides: What do you mean, grovel? I've walked four full miles to
} get up this godforsaken mountain, and now you want me to
} drop on my knees and act like a twerp just to puff up your
} ego so I can get a probably inadequate answer to my
} question?
}
} Oracle: You're treading on Zot territory, mortal.
}
} Thucydides: Sorry. Anyways, can we get on with this? What is my answer?
}
} Oracle: I'm not sure whether I should put up with your insufferable
} attitude, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the
} doubt. Which part of the chicken is the nugget? ... Er...
} Get ye back to Athens, and you shall receive your answer in
} 3-5 business days.
}
} Thucydides: What a crock.
}
} You see, I was rather new at the whole Oracle thing, and hadn't had
} time to research every possible question. And frankly, chicken nuggets
} were a bit low on my list owing to the fact that Athens had no chicken,
} no nuggets, and certainly none of the combination.
}
} I took a week long vacation to ascertain the answer. I visited many
} many chicken farms across the nextdoor city-state, and none of the
} chickens could give me a straight answer. I quickly got the impression
} that I was Bawking up the wrong tree.
}
} I turned away from the chicken farm section of Sparta and went to a
} nearby gold mine. The foreman there was helpful, if somewhat eccentric,
} and assured me that the local AFL-CIO representative was familiar with
} nuggets of all kinds. I arranged for a lunchtime meeting with the labor
} rep.
}
} As a result of some skillful negotiations (I zotted his lunch and he
} agreed to drop the Socialistic preaching for a minute) I was allowed a
} trip into the mine to look at the Golden Nuggets department. With
} closer examination, I made out the faint shape of a chicken. (Or maybe
} it was just a fly imprisoned in the rock with prehistorical DNA waiting
} for Michael Crichton far in the future. I forget.)
}
} The answer to your question, supplicant, is that it is not from what
} part of a chicken comes the nugget, but from what part of the nugget
} comes the chicken.
}
} Oh, jeez, I still need to get back to Thucydides. Thanks for reminding
} me.
}
} You owe the Oracle an extra value meal at McDonalds.
--- 1116-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Regis Philbin sat opposite the Oracle, looking smug as usual. It was
> the last day of filming the new American version of the game show "Who
> Wants to Be a Millionaire", and The Omniscient One Himself was playing
> for the big money.
>
> The questions started off easily enough ("How many angels can dance on
> the head of a pin?"), but somewhere around the 12th question things got
> considerably more difficult. The Oracle had to pause for a moment to
> answer the 13th question ("What's the sound of one hand clapping?"),
> and the 14th question for a half-million dollars was just brutal
> ("What's the difference between a duck?").
>
> But now was the moment. The chance to beat Regis at his own game and
> win the million dollars.
>
> "T. I. Oracle, if you answer this next question correctly, I will give
> you _this_ _cheque_ for one million dollars," Regis prominently
> displayed the cheque for all to see, and was rewarded with loud oooohs
> and aaaahs from the crowd.
>
> "That is of course, if you wish to proceed. If you quit now, you can
> walk away with your $500,000. But if you get this next question
> _wrong_, you only get to keep $32,000. Do you wish to keep playing?"
>
> The Oracle nodded.
>
> "Okay..."
>
> /**********************************************
> / 15. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck *
> * if a woodchuck could chuck wood? /
> **********************************************
> /********************** /**********************
> / A. 1 cord / day / / C. 3 cords / year /
> ********************** **********************
> /********************** /**********************
> / B. 2 cords / hour / / D. 1 cord / week /
> ********************** **********************
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Oracle swallowed slowly. He knew the answer, of course, but
} should he say it? Was it worth losing his dignity, his principles, all
} he stood for? Not for the million dollars, of course,-- the Oracle had
} more money than he could ever need-- but for the chance to wipe that
} smug, smug smile off of Regis Philbin's face. More than anything, he
} needed to stall for time to think.
}
} Fortunately, he still had one of his three lifelines left. "I'll
} take my last lifeline, Regis," said the Oracle. "I'll call Lisa." (In
} his arrogance, the Oracle had wasted the audience vote on number 4
} "True or False: This statement is a lie.", just to see whether they
} would get it right. And he had gotten two answers removed on question
} 12, "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10 billion. What is it?"
} because he knew it was a trick question: Regis was thinking about
} eating a ham sandwich.)
}
} The ring of the phone jolted the Oracle out of his reverie. There
} was a click, then "Og here."
}
} "Og, it's Orrie. Get Lisa for me."
}
} "Lisa not here. Og here."
}
} "How about Zadoc, then?"
}
} "Zadoc not here. Og here."
}
} The Oracle smiled to himself. Of course he knew that everyone but
} Og was, out. What was more, he could keep this up all day, giving
} himself time to think. "Kendai?" he asked....
}
} Several hours (and a few hundred in-jokes) later, the Oracle had
} finished thinking. "All right Og, I guess I'll just have to ask you.
} How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck
} wood?"
}
} "Og no like wood-chuck. Wood-chuck bad. Og smash wood-chuck."
}
} The Oracle forced himself to keep a poker face, as Regis's smug
} smile grew even wider. "It's now or never, Oracle," said Regis.
}
} "In that case," said the Oracle slowly, "why don't *you* tell me!"
} And with that, he stood up, reached over, and ripped the rubber Regis
} Philbin mask from the face of the giant woodchuck sitting across from
} him!
}
} "Curses!" squealed the woodchuck. But though you've exposed me,
} you've given an incorrect answer, so you lose! Hahahaha!"
}
} "Wrong!" shot back the Oracle. "You forgot to ask me if that was
} my final answer! That means I can still change it!" And with that, he
} turned to the show's producer, who had run screaming onstage, and
} whispered a letter into his ear.
}
} "Yes, that's right!" cried the distraught executive. "You win!
} Just please get this creature out of my studio!"
}
} "Gladly," said the Oracle, reaching in his pocket for his swiss
} army zot staff. "Regular, or Extra Crispy?"....
--- 1116-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Rich McGee
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh grand and splendiferous oracle.
>
> Tell me why the Comic Convention sucked this year.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, first of all, the convention suite opted to depart from last
} year's snack serving policy. Instead of serving nacho chips, peanut
} butter, and Little Debbies, they presented an assortment of mixed
} vegetables and popcorn. By the third day of the convention, the lack of
} fat and carbohydrates in your diet forced you to actually abandon your
} "freebies only" nourishment plan and buy two McDonald's Extra Value
} meals, eliminating $9.00 that had already been earmarked for purchasing
} the "Jaleel White Presents: Did I Do That? Mysteries" comic
} mini-series.
}
} Then there was the fact that popular independent comic company
} Splatterscrew Publications was bought by Franklin Covey, the makers of
} the Franklin planner and the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
} books. At their exhibit booth, they advertised the discontinuance of
} the Bloodstool, Captain Goth, and Iron Bra comics, and the introduction
} of three new comics: "The Amazing Goal-Focused Man", "Productivo, the
} Proactive Personage", and "Saw-Sharpening Sally: the Self-Improvement
} Savior." You became violently ill at the booth, causing you to empty
} your stomach and again blow another $4.50 for another Extra Value meal
} to fill it back up.
}
} Another big downer was the jolt from reality you received while
} standing in line to get your Spawn #1 comic signed by Todd McFarlane.
} As he wrote, you pointed out a plot hole in Spawn #77, where The
} Violator, who had been banished to Hell in #75, returned with no
} explanation of how he escaped his banishment. McFarlane told you to
} "grow up...it's just a comic book!" Your shock and disbelief that came
} from processing this new information left you depressed. You returned
} to your room to sulk and missed the costume ball, which featured the
} highly hilarious Spider-Elvis (an Elvis impersonator with a Spider-Man
} mask on).
}
} Finally, you shared a room with 16 other guys, which meant you got to
} spend no time alone in your room with your newly purchased Tomb Raider
} comic books.
}
} You owe the Oracle a batarang.
--- 1116-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> AMAZING ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY!!!!!!
> CALL (812) 866-7597 FOR DETAILS TODAY!!!!!!!!!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} AMAZING ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME *ZOT* OPPORTUNITY!!!!!! EMAIL YOUR UCEs TO
} oracle@cs.indiana.edu AND RECEIVE, FREE OF CHARGE, A SHINY, NEW *ZOT*
}
} * free *zot*s may cause brain damage, constipation, explosive diarrhea,
} cramps, rapid aging, dyslexia, mumps, the clap, double vision,
} irritable bowel syndrome, writer's cramp, carpal tunnel syndrome,
} multiple personalities, type 2 diabetes, glaucoma, corns, laryngitis,
} lead poisoning, mercury poisoning, occasional blindness, migrane
} headaches, and severe allergic reactions while driving. *zot*s, in
} general, may cause the stock market to crash, fish and lizards to rain
} from the heavens, a really meteor to miss the earth by a few hundred
} feet causing this nice steady three-day breeze over the southern
} U.S. and Mexico, another Cher comeback, another low calorie diet
} drink from Pepsi called "Two," and the common cold. Use as directed.
} Offer void in the 49 contiguous U.S. states and Canada. Only legal
} in Mexico and Hawaii when accompanied by a special government waiver.
} *zot*s are an earth-friendly product, as long as said earth is enclosed
} in Schrodinger's box.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good lawyer.
--- 1116-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Rich McGee
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Sitting at the terminal
> eyeing up nasty URLs
> with bad content.
> Spam ruining threads that never close
> nosy fingers of ISPs he knows.
> Compiling on the old Sun
> Watching as the silly patches run.
> Feeling like a good yuck
> nuking all the file in ~ of some shumuck.
> Sun running fold
> an old man page acting funny.
> Using time