After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and
have a snack. After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I
would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators. I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee
a lot more than I used to."

Golf is not Complicated

Once a player has mastered the grip and stance, all he has to bear in mind, in the
brief two-second interval it takes to swing, is to keep his left elbow pointed in toward
the left hip --- his right arm loose and closer to the body than the left and take the
club head past his right knee --- then break the wrists at just the right instant while
the left arm is still traveling straight back from the ball --- the right arm stays glued
to the body --- the hips come around in a perfect circle and meanwhile everything is
mucked up unless the weight is 60% on the left foot and 40% on the right, not an ounce
more or less --- at just the right point in the turn the left knee bends in toward the
right in a dragging motion until the left heel comes off the ground but not too far --- be
sure the hands are over the right foot but not on the toe more than the heel except that
the left side of the right foot is tilted off the ground, but not too far --- be sure the
hands at the top of the s wing are high -- the shaft points along a line parallel with the
ground and if it's a downhill lie the shaft is supposed to be pointed downhill too --pause
at the top of the swing and count one, jerk the left arm straight down like a bell ringer
yanking a belfry rope, don't un-cock the wrists too soon ---pull the left hip around in a
circle but don't let the shoulders turn with the hips, they have to be facing the hole---
now transfer the weight 60% to the left foot and 40% to the right, not an ounce more or
less --- tilt the left foot now so the right side of it is straight (that's the one you
hit against)--- watch out for the left hand, it's supposed to be extended, but not too
stiff or the shot won't go anywhere, don't let it get loose or you will hook--- then let
the wrists un-cock but don't force them or you'll smother the shot -- don't break too soon
but keep your head down, then hit the ball!

THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT. . .Unless you move your head, then you're screwed!

Crows

A fact you won't soon forget...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near
greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief,
confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be
vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints
appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been
killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the
disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus carkills.

He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a
look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a
single one could shout "Truck."

One of the world's greatest hypochondriacs, bumped into his Dr. one day at
the supermarket.

"Doc!" the hypochondriac exclaimed, "I've been meaning to tell you,
remember those voices I kept on hearing in my head? I haven't heard them in over a
week!"

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of
the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford
English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the
need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will
be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and
'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such
thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the
elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.
The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to
be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a
vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the
left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate
effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will
help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of
roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real
chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.
Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with
vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can
only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did
for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can
be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood
will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie
Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football;
you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called
the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you
are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of
their deliveries.
--------------------
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be
with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never
mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when
in season.

God Save the Queen!

Missing Wife

A Husband went to the RCMP to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered
with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching
white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way
seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special
wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB
radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels
and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. [At
this point the husband started choking up .]

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a
grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do
you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a
boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big
shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and
asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,
too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal
relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your
wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric
chair.'

Heartwarming story about a Lawyer

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the
road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to
eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer
said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over here under that
tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he
stated, "You may come with us, also.

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and
six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the
limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you
are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is
almost a foot high."

Lesson In Life

In 1923: Who was the:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the world's most successful of their days. Now, 80
years later, the history asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers: 1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a
pauper. 2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane. 3. The
president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4. The
greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 5. The president of the
Bank of International Settlement, shot himself. 6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee
Livermore, also committed suicide.

However!!! In that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most
important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him? He played
golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time
of his death.

The Moral: Screw work. Play golf.

The Last Kiss

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when
they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped. George, their
leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past
the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey
Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this
'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...
Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that...
And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his
biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're
wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you
committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Japanese Sex

Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:

Husband: "Sukitaki. Mojitaka!"

Wife replies: "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!"

Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"

Did you just sit there trying to read this? And you don't even understand Japanese?
Guess you'll read anything as long as you think it's about sex. You need serious help!
Sometimes I worry about you.

The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while
tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "You know that
dishwasher you promised me, but never bought me? I bought it with the insurance
money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that
car you promised me, but never bought me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance
money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she
said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me, but never bought me? I bought
that, too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that blow job
I promised you? Here it comes."

A little girl's Cup of Tea made with cold water? ONLY A GRANDMOTHER WOULD
KNOW...

One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years
old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite
toys. Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a
little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise
for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home.

My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because
it was 'just the cutest thing!' Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall
with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a grandma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the
only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Redneck Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Yaw
know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little
different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you
said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you
told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested
Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

"I'm taking Earlene with me."

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond
in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for
a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he
neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He
made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women
shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make
you get out of the pond naked.. ' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the
alligator.'

See, some old men can still think fast.

"DEFINITION OF "SERVICE"

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" being used with these
agencies:

1, Internal Revenue "Service".

2, U.S. Postal "Service".

3, Telephone "Service".

4, Cable T.V. "Service".

5, Civil "Service".

6, State, City, County & Public "Service".

7, Customer "Service".

Just not what I thought "Service" meant. But today I overheard two farmers
talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing!

Phil's Scrotum

One Sunday, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise
for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months
ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely
crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help
him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain
that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every
move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of
Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined
the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out
of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover
completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone
else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just
want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Sex with ghosts

A professor at Ohio State University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies . To
get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you
think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever
talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever
made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving
this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up
here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up
to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad
, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you were talking about
goats."

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try f***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.

So remember, Fasting is good for your health - and may God cleanse your dirty mind.

The Nightmare

In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the
ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!

Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver's license
photo and it was that same color. Black.

I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a
wheelchair!! That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!!

I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be black and
Jewish and disabled.' 'It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me. I
turn around, and it's my boyfriend. Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual, and on top of
that with a Mexican boyfriend.

The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died the only
thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you
worthless piece of crap... Any job.' Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an
unemployed orphan!

I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish,
disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an
orphan. But he doesn't get it. Frustrated, I hang up.

It's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With tears in my eyes, I go to the window
to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is
trash everywhere.

Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.... Pacemaker? Besides being black,
Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald,
orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy
neighborhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, 'Sweetie pie, my love, my
little black heartthrob, have you decided who are you going to vote for in the Primary?
Hillary Clinton or Michelle Obama???

Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted,
Jewish, gay on a pacemaker, who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a
slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a
Democrat.

Donald Gets A Condom

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald
wanted to make love with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a
condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No".

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have sex. "Maybe
they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel receptionist if they had any
condoms. "Yes, we do" she said and pulled out a packet from under the counter
and gave it to Donald. The receptionist asked, "Would you like me to put it on your
bill?"

"Thit No!!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

Looking Forward

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the
Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army
barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist
yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for
Herman for over 51 years.

WALKING ON THE GRASS

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said,
"Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It
strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace
yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a
path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go
walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few
moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we
walk."

Doesn't this bring a tear to your eye? This amazing level of sensitivity can't be
taught.

UNAUTHORIZED DUPLICATION, DISTRIBUTION, EXHIBITION OR USE MAY RESULT IN
CIVIL LIABILITY AND/OR CRIMINAL PROSECUTION.