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I’m starting a new crash diet that I’ve named AB Diet. So, if anyone you work with or sleep with starts using this term…punch them in the boob. It’s my diet, all mine.

Now, about this AB Diet. It is so named because I will eat (mostly) apples and beans. And by beans I really mean legumes, but AB sounds better than AL. And only really old people or pretentious people use the term legume to talk about beans. If this offends any of my readers, please let me know. I aim to please and will retract any story or change my opinion if doing so garners additional friends/readers/stalkers/lovers.

In addition to eating apples and beans I plan to start doing or practicing Callanetics. I’ve already placed a book on request with my library! What I need next is a flashy onesy that coordinates with some leg warmers. Think Jane Fonda, but with bigger boobies.

I think the Callanetics will help with my goal of doing the splits. I may even be fit enough to start stripping for extra cash. I’ll definitely have new moves (you know, from the Callanetics and I’ll have the outfits as well).

I’m going to try a new diet technique that involves toothpaste. I usually make a deliberate effort to spit out my toothpaste when I brush. This is because it makes me nauseous. Well, it’s taken me all these years to realize this is exactly what I need.

Toothpaste, I love you.

From here on out, I will swallow my toothpaste. This genius idea (remember, I’m a complete genius wasting my time on this blog and in my routine existence) spawned further contemplation on the many uses of toothpaste. Growing up my mom used toothpaste as a household fix-it-all. We filled in holes in the wall, she would mix it will baking soda and clean everything in the bathroom with it, and she preferred to wash her veggies in a toothpaste mixture.

I was taking a healthy, provided by law, break from my daily work, when I saw an ad online. (I needed to rest my eyes and neck and back. I’m really out of shape. How bad is it that sitting for too long hurts.)

I was playing this fun crossword puzzle thing, I’m sure you’ve all heard of it, the crickler, when I saw an ad for Rudraksha. I clicked the ad, I had to. (does anybody else see boobies?)

I’m facinated with trinkets and charms that promise good fortune (like crosses, four leaf clovers, prayer beads). This trinket promised a happy married and family life. Alone, rudraksha are the little beads that make up a prayer bead necklace, but when they are conjoined like Siamese twins, divinity occurs. (insert Om)

The websites description (I left in the spelling errors):

Two Rudraksha that are naturally joined is called Gauri shankar Rudraksha. It is recommened for happy married life. It destroyes all obsticles in way of marriage of it’s wearer. If a man worships Gauri Shankar at his worshipping place, the pain and suffering and other earthly obstacles are destroyed and the peace and pleasure of family are increased. In Puranas the bead of Gauri Shankar is regarded the best for happy family life. When any recommendation is in need of a synergistic enhancement to accelerate the effects of the Mala design, Gauri Shankar is recommended and is added directly on the back of the neck over the spine where the Kundalini flows. blah blah blah

You can wear them, hold them, or wait, wait…place them on your altar. You should avoid wearing on your hand, since your hands are so filthy from all those evening activities. There’s even a ritual involved in wearing this thing, chants and all. I’m sure this is a valid and clearly very ancient practice. I bet my sister has one of the beads. Oh did I mention one divine Siamese-twin bead will cost you $100USD + $30USD to ship, they are authentically shipped from India. There’s another rare rudraksha that will cost you $525USD!!! But, shit its totally worth it.

p.s. I’m still working out regulary (3xtimes/week) but I don’t use my e-diets subscription. I log on and look at recipes, which just makes me hungry, which leads to a cookie (preferably Grandma’s Cookies). So far, in 2 1/2 months of working out (I subtract 2 weeks due to my vacation and vacation recovery) I’ve lost 12 pounds of fat. If I could just pull my fat ass together and stop eating like a pothead I would loose more. Food is such an abusive friend of mine. You all just don’t understand our love!!!