‘Hotlines’, from the National Domestic Violence Hotline, published a great reminder to those people working with victims and their families. As advocates, we so often not only work with the victims, but the families of the victims as well. These are a few suggestions and reminders to give to family members of domestic violence victims.

Her decision to stay may actually be a strategy to help keep her and the children safe and at some point, she may need to employ a different strategy

Have them be her best cheerleader, encourage and celebrate every step she takes on her own behalf, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem to them; each one is a huge victory

Assist in safety planning, regardless of whether or not she decides to leaves the relationship; you may contact an advocate to help you think of ways to help her stay safe, and you do not have to disclose anyone’s identity

Do not make her responsible for how terrible it feels for you to know she is getting hurt

Protective mechanisms women employ may include lying about what is happening or covering for him; these are strategies to stay safe

Do not involve yourself in any form of victim-blaming; the question should not be, “Why does she stay or put up with it?” It should always be, “Why does he choose to abuse her?”

Avoid the tendency to step in and “save her,” rather encourage her to take steps herself and empower her by allowing her to make her own choices. Her abuser has taken on the task of dictating what she can and can’t do; don’t do the same.

(From the Spring/Summer 2002 publication of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, page 3)