Men Express ThemselvesWhere men can share their points of view and more.Where women can learn about men.

WHY SOME SPOUSES DREAD...
ABSOLUTELY DREAD, VALENTINE'S DAY

While many a couple will be happily
enjoying Valentine's Day pleasures, there will certainly be too many
who will not only be dreading the day, but who will suffer through
it, best they can.
Who am I referring to? Simply the
husbands and wives who love their spouse, but find their partner has
transformed the marriage into one without not only sex, but minus
other physical affection.
And, where Valentine's Day is supposed
to be the epitome of expressions of romantic love, this day can bring
some spouses incredible, inner pain.

Where can you find these folks who stay
in the marriage for assorted reasons? You need look no further than
on Internet forums, Facebook, in eavesdropped conversations (spoken
in whispers), at taverns, in locker rooms, or cafes. Basically
anywhere.
Promises made to 'Love and to cherish'
their husband or wife, lasted for a while. And then... Perhaps the
birth of children and a new role... Maybe it's 70+ hour, high stress
work weeks... Health issues... Confessions that they never truly
enjoyed sexual contact and so now they...

Let
me be clear: These frustrated spouses are not typically wives
and husbands who have unusually high sex drives. Or who are 'affection exhibitionists'... These are 'regular' folks. People who
married someone that they believed would devote some amount of
physical and emotional energy toward the highs and satisfaction
derived from spousal contact.
Whether desiring to cuddle. Or kiss
'good morning' and 'good night'. To hold hands. Get and offer a neck
or back rub. To have intercourse or foreplay more than once every six
months or year or never again.

To be fair, women and men experience
all sorts of hormonal changes over time. And men can find themselves
impotent or too used to climaxing far too soon. And neither gender
might wish to consume the 'little blue pill' or risk the effects of
estrogen replacement therapy.
But, there are alternatives, if the
spouses are open to them. Simple and random acts of affection might
be enough to satisfy many 'starving' spouses. There are pills and
creams to assist those who are willing to try them. There are new
ways to express sexual feelings. And, the need to simply be
acknowledged as an attractive partner in life.

Affairs, for some who indulge in these,
are in fact driven by wives and husbands who decide,
single-offhandedly that their marriage should be largely platonic.
Both women and men tend to not marry
their best platonic friend. They instead opt for spending their life
with someone who finds them sexually attractive. And for whom the
feelings are mutual.

I have heard people ask how total
abstinence in a marriage is any less of a breaking of the marital
vows, then having an affair?
Common questions also include: Where is
the compromise to be found? Is physical affection or sex, simply once
ore twice a year, an equitable balance? 1 or 2 nights out of 365? --
Does my happiness not mean anything to my partner? -- Are they
wanting me to go elsewhere for my needs? -- Why am I
considered selfish? -- Don't I do things that I do not want to do? Go
to work, every day... Cook meals and clean the home... Visit
relatives or run errands...

Many of these 'hungry' women and men
remain in the marriage because they wish to be with their children,
daily. Or, for financial reasons. Or, because they decide that their
love for their spouse is strong enough to justify staying.
Reality is that many of these folks
will become bitter and begin to show their frustration and
resentment, at home or at work.
I remember a woman, decades ago, who
worked in human services. Her businessman husband stopped showing her
physical affection. And, she eventually sought outlets in affairs.
But, she hated it.

Interesting is that the one espousing
the platonic relationship can find all sorts of justification for
changing the 'rules' of their marriage. -- They're tired. They find
what happens in the bedroom to be boring. They decide, unilaterally,
that they are no longer attractive, so they don't want to 'expose'
themselves, if you will. They want time alone without being bothered.
Fact is that many of these reasons are
obviously valid on some level. They
also show great selfishness. Again, if their husband or wife
was constantly demanding sex or hugs & kisses, that would be
different. But marriage is supposed to be fulfilling to
both partners.

So far I haven't mentioned those who
use sex as a bargaining chip to get what they want. Or, as a 'weapon'
to get back at their spouse for a real or imagined situation.

Worse yet are the spouses who proclaim
that their partner is free to seek a divorce if they are so unhappy.
Wow! A dagger to the heart! This essentially says that some major
marital decisions are theirs alone to make, things will never change,
and, most importantly,
they cannot find sufficient joy in pleasing their wife or husband
to... That divorce and breaking-up the family is easier to do, then
to maintain their marital vows and the accompanying, typical
expectations for a married life.

Okay, so I have covered the problem.
But is there a solution? A workable one?
Unfortunately, there will be some
marriages where this problem will not resolve itself, well. Simply
because it requires both parties to not only actually compromise, but
because action might come too late. Too many hurt feelings and
animosity to overcome.
Happily, there are steps to take.
Perhaps a recognition that there are multiple ways to climax. That
subtle 'public' signs of affection are fine. That often once you
begin sexual foreplay, it can be easy to 'get in the mood'. That if
boredom or a strong dislike for how you both make love is the issue,
then verbal communication can be truly helpful.

Did you notice that I have very much
included women as 'sufferers', if you will in this situation? That's
because they are. And, the
media has a responsibility to make something of that, for the benefit
of both genders.

Bottom-line, it is in 'the Obvious'
that many answers to marital problems exist. Please check out the
very different marital guide... Designed for good marriages as well
as rocky ones... Improve Your Marriage - Don't Overlook the
Obvious. And, it's companion website,
www.DontOverlookTheObvious.com.