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Skripal regrets not heeding horoscope advice

The Russian double agent, who describes himself as “a typical Pisces”, has confirmed that the Daily Mail Zodiac correspondent advised “a quiet meal at home might be a good idea today” on the morning of his near-assassination.

Mr Skripal has said the Mail horoscope has never let him down yet: “I well remember 15 years ago, Jonathan Cainer suggested that ‘something you take for granted may be more valuable than you think’. And sure enough, MI5 gave me £100 000 for a dossier of Russian state secrets I pulled out of a drawer”.

Mr Skripal continues: “Some time later, Mr Cainer said ‘going on a trip might possibly be a healthy option’, so I got on a plane for Britain. No sooner had I left Russian airspace than I got a text saying the intelligence services had stormed my flat to arrest me for treason”.

Meanwhile, hospital staff are trying to keep Mr Skripal away from today’s Mail, where Pisces readers are told “you may receive a glowing tribute from an old acquaintance who’s eager to catch up with you”.