October 12, 2007

I was completely overwhelmed by Doug's gesture, even more so once we were back in the city and the reality sank in of how big a move having a house together really was. Even if we were only renting for now.

On one level it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me. But, on the other, we had just gotten back together. And even though we had years of history, a step like this was huge, and one I wasn't sure I was ready for. Not with all the other things I had been thinking about recently.

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And the other people.

Like Jason.

But then I remembered that Doug had been smart enough — and kind enough — to not do anything permanent. We were trying it out. And then we would see. And, when we came back to Chicago and I told Jackson, he couldn't have been more excited.

"That is the coolest," he said, over dinner last night, while I showed him pictures. "Do you think Doug will put up a basketball hoop for us?"

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"I think he can be talked into it," I said.

Jackson smiled and went back to cleaning his plate. "I'm so psyched."

I was too, especially because it looked like Michelle was going to let Jackson stay for the rest of the school year, at least. She and I had been e-mailing regularly — and so had she and Jackson — and especially once I told her the report on how well he was doing in school, she didn't want to disrupt it. I also think she had her hands full getting used to her new life in California and trying to procure the divorce from her ex without him finding out where she was.

It is best to keep Jackson from all of this, she wrote in her last e-mail.

And she had no argument from me. I would be happy to take care of Jackson as long as he wanted that.

But she also said something at the end of her last e-mail that made me worry. Jackson keeps talking about his new friend Sara. He was saying that he thinks I would really like her. Do you? XOX, M.

I wasn't sure how to broach the subject with Jackson in a bigger way. He obviously felt uncomfortable really talking to me about it. Maybe because he thought my allegiance was to Abby too, which — in some ways — it was. But I was Jackson's current guardian. He needed to feel like he could do what he wanted — especially at fourteen! — when it came to girls.

"Jackson, not to change the subject," I said, "but how are things with Sara?"

He looked up at me, met my eyes.

"It's okay, really," I said.

He cleared his throat. "It's hard because…I just don't want you to be disappointed if..."

"If you pick her over Abby?"

He nodded.

And I felt horrible.

"It's complicated. She has a boyfriend too, you know? They are, like, a TV couple. Next-door neighbors, friends forever. She's not sure she can upset him. And Abby is awesome. She made getting used to being here so much better for me. We don't want people to get hurt."

I looked at him. "I think that people get the most hurt when the people they care about aren't honest with them."

"Yeah…"

"I am the opposite of disappointed in you, though, Jackson," I said. "I couldn't be prouder of you. In every way. You have to do what you think is right."

"I have to think about what that is."

I nodded. "Okay, whatever you decide is fine with me. Just be honest, okay? Promise me that you won't do something that will hurt Abby unnecessarily. That will hurt anyone that way."

"Okay." He looked at me. "You think Doug would be willing to talk to me about all of this? Maybe I could call him after dinner? Talk to him about that? And about the basketball court?"