LTT gets Legal

Back in the old days when our letters were just a mere paragraph long and it was a good day if our comments reached 10, we began this idea of a “Unicorn.” Brought to us by our FIRST reader ever (affectionately STILL referred to as our “Fanbase”) a Unicorn was first defined as a grown man who reads Twilight in public. The definition has grown over the past year and includes men who read Twilight in private, joke about Twilight, are interested in conversations about Twilight and occasionally even geek out and comment on LTT about Twilight. Throughout the past year we’ve often sighed, “Oh how lucky” after reading a letter from a woman about her Unicorn. But I don’t have a Unicorn. My husband is the antithesis of a Unicorn. And if I’m honest with myself and you all, I want Unicorns as friends, sure, but at the end of the day, I don’t really want to get freaky with one. Turns out I am not alone.

Dear UC and Moon,

Due to a recent development in my love life (thank goodness, right? I was getting a little bored with a lack of one) I think I’ve come to a realization, and that is this: I don’t want to date a unicorn. *gasp!* ” I know, right?!”

We adore our beloved unicorns. We encourage them. We create them (to the best of our abilities). So why on earth wouldn’t I want my new interest to become one?

Lets face it: Twilight is a chick flick. Movie and books both. There’s absolutely no arguing against that. I don’t care how many wired stunts, mirror crashing action, and Buttcrack Santa jokes you throw in there; it’s still one of the biggest chick flicks ever. I’ve heard so many people try and argue this point and fight against, but truth is truth. So without further ado, I give you my stance.

(bad eyes? Clicky)

You know it’s a chick flick when:

it’s a love story

the fan base is undeniably, predominantly female and has a “tween” rep

you hear shrieks of glee when the title flashes across the screen

the lead male is frequently referred to as “beautiful” on and off screen

the subjects discussed between characters include dresses, boobs, characters’ relationship status’, and the swim team’s peens.

the dialogue includes words and terms like “irrevocably”, “matriculate”, “masochistic”, “Debussy”, and “spidermonkey”.

there are more silent, awkward-turtle moments then there are action moments

the only weapons are mind powers which do not translate visually.

fans constantly fight over who’s the dreamiest

it takes place in a forest setting and there’s no sign of elves, dwarves, or an extra-terrestrial fought by a commando who states “If it bleeds, you can kill it.”

And lets face it, as far as chick flicks go, this one is unconditionally and irrevocably one of the chickiest of them all. Which brings me back to why I would never date a unicorn. Girls always talk about how they want a sensitive guy who’s not afraid to show his emotions or cry. Fine, good. Be sweet and adorable and cry when your puppy gets hit by a car, but for the love of all that is good and right in this world, do not run out of the room in horror when a spider is spotted and do NOT like Twilight.

A happy Unicorn

Dear all future boyfriends….

Do NOT, of your own free will:

offer to watch, read, or talk about Twilight and mean it

buy tickets ahead of time to see the new movie

steal my Twilight books to read

discuss Twilight in any other manner than brazen mockery

let curiosity get the best of you

EVER consider what you would look like with a Twilight murse.

DO:

let me “girl-out” with my girls every once in a while and utilize that time to do something manly like watch football, build something, or hunt wild boar.

(UC addition: indulge in a little Edward/Bella fantasy action with me from time to time)

I promise to never ask, chide, or coerce you to share Twilight with me in any capacity so long as you kill my spiders, change my flat tire (must remove shirt), and pretend not to notice how much time I spend watching the same vampire movie over and over, looking at pictures of the same guy with the sexy arms and “do-me” dimpled grin, and reading/responding to a blog about said vampire story. Deal?

With love,

~K

What are your thoughts? Agree? Disagree? Wish your man was a little more into Twilight? On your online dating profile do you have listed “Will only date men who can carry on Twilosophical conversation about the need for Buttcrack Santa”? Do you HAVE a Unicorn at home? When its starting to get hot and heavy in the bedroom does he sometimes stop and turn to you and say, “Sometimes I really wish I was friends with Mike Newton so I could pull him aside and say, “DUDE- you work with her in an EMPTY store. Take her the storage room. Accidentally turn off the light. KISS HER”? Spill!!

119 Responses

My husband recently became a unicorn and I love it!
Let me clarify that he would NEVER actually read the Twilight books, but he does enjoy the movies.

We watched NM together this weekend and he really liked it. He even said the author did a really good job with the story line. I found that I enjoyed NM a lot more after watching it with him.

We even had an interesting discussion about vampire sex that involved the phrase “frozen hot dog”, but I won’t get into that!

I think as long as the men don’t go overboard, having a man who likes Twilight can be fun. If he starts going on web sites, buying Twilight merchandise or rooting for Team Edward or Team Jacob, well, that might be a bit much.

toooldforthis – That’s great! My hubby is actually the opposite kind of unicorn – somehow I got him to read the first three books (in return for sexual favors, mind you) and we actually talked about them. He won’t watch the movies with me but my friend and I pulled him into the room for the funny parts in Twilight (like the running and the spidermonkey bit, and, well, there were lots of spots) and I showed him the YouTube vid from the Rifftrax guys who make fun of parts of it. He loves it and will randomly say to me, “Sit down. Have some plaid.” If you have not checked them out, it is a must!
Anyways, I won’t let him read the fourth book and after giving him the quick and dirty on it, he thanked me. I might be able to get him to watch Eclipse because of the action, but I still seriously doubt he’d sit through the whole thing.
So for now I watch my movies, check out and comment on the blogs, write my fanfiction and twitter about all this crap and mercifully, he’s so far okay with it. Does he roll his eyes at my Rob desktop? Hell yes. But that’s okay with me.

He’s reading MOTU right now!! He’s read about 3 others too! And so ya know he’s never read a book in his life (maybe in high school here and there). I’m sure it’s all about the lemons (he says it’s not-WHATEVER!!) I was telling him how good this story was (never divulging how graphic the sex is in some of them😉 and he was bored at work one day so he looked it up and got hooked. I thought it was cool at first that he was showing some “Twilight” interest but now it just bugs me. What do you all think?

K, I’m totally with you on this one. I keep my boyfriend far from all the Twilight craziness. I don’t even want him to watch with me when I’m watching the movie. As long as he lets me fangirl out from time to time and benignly ingores my shrieks of joy when I spot anything related to Rob, we are absolutely fine.

“It takes place in a forest setting and there’s no sign of elves, dwarves, or an extra-terrestrial fought by a commando who states “If it bleeds, you can kill it.”
Bahahaa…
Seriously, though, I agree with K. I would find it to be scary if a guy starts talking about all the little details about Twilight.
I once asked one of my guy friends to read the books. He finished them in a week and didn’t talk to me for the entire week that followed. He was like, “what kind of crap did you ask me to read?” And he started calling Edward all sorts of names and that’s when I tuned him out…
But, I still get offended when people (read: men) refer Twilight as a teeny-bopper thing. This is the phone conversation I had with my brother yesterday:

Me: So did you see ‘Remember Me’?
Bro: What?! What is that?
Me: ‘Remember Me’..that new movie which came out?
Bro: *grunt* Huh, I don’t think it’s been out yet.
Me: Of course it’s been out.
Bro: Whatever. i don’t care about films that your Twilight people do.

Yeah, it still hurts, but I don’t think I would have accepted it if my brother knew all about what kind of car Edward drove, or the names of the wolfpack members and etc…That’s for us ladies to talk about!

I really loved this letter. I agree 100%. This is probably just me but I’m not attracted to sensitive romantic guys at all. Although I can swoon over them in movies, It would really make me laugh if guys would pull romantic crap like that irl. I mean…. Bella’s lullaby…I bet Edward wrote poems too? Or was that fanfic? :p. I’d much rather have a note saying ‘you look srsly hot today’. At least that stuff is to the point and not googled.

My husband most definitely does NOT pull the romantic crap.
What I like about watching the movies with him is that it’s nice to get a guy’s perspective because they usually keep it really simple.
I’m used to discussing TW with women and we over-analyze every detail. We get into lengthy discussions about who’s better, Jacob or Edward.

I asked my husband who he thought was better, Jacob or Edward and his simple reply was, “She doesn’t love Jacob, she’s just using him. If I was Jacob I’d turn and walk away right now because he’ll always be second best.”

In reality, I could never be like someone with Edward (who doesn’t want me to do anything but ‘breathe’) or Jacob (who stays around despite rejection). I like guys who are simple and straightforward, very matter-of-fact, and confident. I’m sappy and emotional enough for the two of us😉

After watching TW, my husband told me if I liked Edward so much he’d try to be more like him. So he started following me around the house nonstop. Then later that night he laid in bed just staring at me.

Sigh. My husband will NOT have anything to do with Twilight. He refuses to watch the movie with me no matter what. Thats ok, as long as he leaves me alone when I’m watching and lets me have my “girl time” like “K” wrote in this letter!

My husband continues to make fun of my obsession, but willingly supports it. This has been a wonderful compromise for me. He has sat througth Twilight a few times, and is willing to watch new moon with me (“once”). When it came to remember me, he said he would go “If no one else is available, do I really have to?” The calanders, the iTune books on tape, the t-shirts, waiting in line at Walmart for releases, patiently waiting through conversations, and very sweetly TiVo-ing all Rob appearences – thats all him. As long as he doesnt have to claim it, he will be the first to say how much he hates it.

There’s a fine line between bothering to go out of your way to see what all that Twilight crap is about so you can actually have a two way conversation with your girlfriend when she starts harping on about it again and more than likely mock her for what you have read/seen anway, and reading Twilight of your own free will and wanting to talk about it with people.

Yes! I want my Twilight to be sappy, melodramatic and way over the top romantic and ridiculous. I know Twilight is all of these things and I won’t apologize for it.
Stop trying to make my movies “action-packed” for the guys. A few added fight scenes are okay (the Volturi fight scene in NM was cool), but I don’t want the director’s and producer’s trying to bring in more guys by adding a lot of action.

I have always found that the more my husband knows about twilight, the more he has to make fun of me for …so, while I’d love for him to let me play the movies on loop as background noise (he doesn’t), I am cool with him not being the least bit interested in the goings on in my Twi-world.

I would just like to point out that when I read the beginning of this post, there were exactly 10 comments…lol
I have to agree with everyone here. I was catching up on LTT last night (gone to the beach all last week with NO Internet and NO 3G…ahh!) on my iPhone and he was like what are you doing? And I said reading a Twilight blog, to which he just laughed. He has stated interest in watching the full movie (we have Showtime) since he’s only seen bits and pieces, but I would honestly worry about him if he started buying tickets to the midnight show, sporting a murse/tshirt, etc. He does poke fun at me every now and then, but he is a computer nerd, so he can’t say much.🙂
Basically he completes me (read: we are both dorks).🙂

I’ve created a Unicorn…sort of. He’ll never be into the books, but he enjoyed the movies. And he’s a great enabler for my habit. Thanks to his encouragement, I now own a HD tv and BluRay player cuz HD Robward is soooo much better. 🙂 But, my Uni is a friend, not my boyfriend. So, I’m not sure how I’d feel about my SO being a Unicorn. As long as he only had a little bump on the forehead, not a full horn, I’d be ok with it.

Well, to be completely honest, I believe his true reaction to Little Ashes was in fact: “It was better than I expected.” So, that’s not the same as “liking” it. However, when pressed, he did admit to me that he actually “enjoyed” Remember Me.

Ah yes… the unicorn subject. I dread when this subject comes up because it forces me to ponder the herd of unicorns I’ve created through the years (and have felt a bit guilty over doing so).

I’ve gotten a total of 7 people to read Twilgiht through the years, 2 of them male. Both straight. One was my brother-in-law who is a book dork and wanted to see what the fuss was about… he claims he wasn’t terribly impressed, but did read all 4 on his own accord. Another was a good friend from my university years, now a PhD candidate in astrophysics, who is really into sci-fi and fantasy lit but also will read anything that is “cool” because he has this complex about being cool and popular and stuff. (He’s the spitting image of the guys on “The Big Bang Theory.”) Anyways, he actually enjoyed these books and he and I are always having Twilosophy discussions… I won’t lie, it’s a good thing and has provided hours of amusement. He will even post about Twilight on his blog. Clearly the biggest unicorn I know.

The latest development on my Unicorn farm is my fiance. Ok… I really hesitate to call him a unicorn. But last fall, he agreed to go to the movie with me because some of my NM-dates fell through. I think he was vaguely curious what the fuss was about and he thought Jacob and the wolves in the preview looked cool, so he went along. To my immense surprise, he really enjoyed it. And… ever since he’d been asking to watch Twilight, which I had refused until finally, just this past weekend, I gave in, and he watched Twilight for the first time. To my immense relief, he mocked Edward, a lot, and thought he was pretty “gay.” The weird thing though is that he really loves Jacob, to the point where I am ready to buy him a Team Jacob t-shirt. He also talked a lot about Jessica’s boobs throughout the film (I never noticed but apparently she shows them a lot.) He thinks Bella is stupid especially when she walks into James’ trap, and thinks she’s too helpless, but he really likes Charlie. Overall, I’m a bit scared to say, he liked the movie, and now wants to watch NM again tonight. He’ll never read the book because he hates reading. I am still on the fence as to whether I am glad that he’s a “unicorn” when it comes to the movies… but at least I’m glad that the things he got out of it were fairly normal straight-guy things with the exception of his weird admiration for Jacob. (Although he was always into that pro-wrestling stuff and Jacob does sort of look like a wrestler. Yes… I’m going to pretend that’s it…)

Overall, I think unicorns are interesting to say the least. It’s natural that some would be curious about this Twilight phenomenon for whatever reason – all of their girl friends like it, the previews that do look cool, Jessica’s boobs – so I don’t think it’s too odd for them to watch the movies or read the books (if reading is their thing). However, obsessing over Twilight might be another thing entirely and is not something I would want my significant other to do.

Oh yeah. I have to share fiance’s best line last night when watching the movie. He refers to Rosalie as “the bitch vampire” and said that she must have been on her period when she was changed so she is PMSing for eternity.

So tomorrow I’m going to tell my friend he just has to be like Sheldon (check) pretending to be Jacob (he could do it…he likes to run and spent a significant amount of time in British Columbia) and he’ll have all the dates he wants…
stay tuned

I think it’s great fun to have a semi-unicorn boyfriend/husband/fiance. Hold on to him!!
My husband also admires Jessica’s boobs. He doesn’t understand the fuss about Bella. Thinks Charlie is the greatest.

I’m not sure if he doesn’t pick on Edward because he knows I like him or if he actually likes him. We’ve had discussions about the differences between Edward and Jacob. I always describe Edward as the old-fashioned gentleman type (well, except for the breaking and entering and stalking😉 ), so I think my husband actually likes him because of how I’ve described him.
He thinks Jacob is a nice guy but needs to “grow a pair” and get the hell away from Bella.

I don’t actually want a unicorn either :X I mean, let’s face it: I make fun of and hate on Twilight way more than I swoon over it. It’s a total guilty pleasure. The only involvement I’d want my guy to have with Twi is occasionally making fun of me (in a good-natured way, of course). Otherwise that shizz is meant for me and my girlfriends to laugh over while we guzzle savor a few bottles of wine.

Agreed! I’d be too embarrassed (first-hand) to watch Twilight with a potential suitor. I watched it with one of my female friends who had never read the books, and I kept apologizing for all the dumb parts. I don’t want to defend my acute fondness, I just want to ogle in peace.

I dated a few of those ‘sensitive new-age guys’, back in the 90s, and it’s true…eventually you want to smack them upside the head and say MAN UP already.

Mr LPB is no super-macho-man, though sensitive in the right ways, he cried when the kids were born, and when the cat died, and is handy for killing spiders and opening pickle jars. He will Never be a unicorn, though he watched Twi and liked it ‘OK’. He had a lot of questions about the back story, and firmly maintains that Rob is gay. I seriously can’t tell if he is saying that just to bug me, but he thinks that he will be right out of the closet after BD finishes premiering. IF he is right, I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever hear the end of it for the rest of my life, I am sure.

I do like the occasional guy’s perspective on Twi that is not just exclusively mocking, but mostly I like to hang out with you guys and talk about it here. You all get it on the same level that I do.

I must say UC that if my hubs starts talking about Mike Newton anywhere near the bedroom, I will be heading straight to the lawyer’s.

The hubs is not a true unicorn, but he is sensitive enough to put up with my acute fondness. He has read the books and watched both movies because he loves me, but I would not call him a unicorn. My problem is that he just doesn’t understand the acute fondness for Rob.

“I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.”
Groucho Marx

Or to paraphrase it: if my boyfriend or lover ever likes Twilight, I’ll make fun of him mercilessly, until the day he dumps me for doing that.
it’s ok for girls to like it, but guys : NO!
You can read it, but don’t discuss it with me – unless you are gay and then we can swoon over Twi – Jacob or RL Rob together.
Mkay?

My husband knows better than to try to make me watch basketball and football on TV or try to discuss the finer points of various players’ abilities and disabilities with me, and that’s great. And I expect him to continue to pretend he doesn’t notice how much time I spend reading fanfiction or obsessing over “that douche that plays the vampire”. This is called marital equilibrium and I’m quite happy with it.

What’s the oppposite of a unicorn? Is there a term? A raging bull?
If so that would be my husband. I FORCED him into watching NM on Sat, and he was snoring away before Bella got to school.
He does thoroughly enjoy making fun of me for it, though. When he discovered I read a blog titled, “Letters to Twilight” he replied, “Um, Do we need an intervention”?
-This coming from a man who watches sportfishing shows, reads fish blogs, belongs to a fishing club, has numerous marlin t-shirts and can pontificate on the vast differences between East Coast vs West Coast fishing. (BTW-The only thing more boring than fishing is watching tv shows about fishing.) I say Twi and LTT is my version of “Bloody Decks”.

…and I don’t know why he fishes anyway. We live in SoCal, we don’t need to forage for our food. Really, guy, there is a Whole Foods down the street.

I don’t have a SO *pouts* (an SO??) so I live vicariously through my friend that got me hooked on Twilight. She and her husband compromised that he would read Twilight if she read Wheel of Time -aka Longest Book Ever With Bad Cover Art. (He read Twilight and she has not held up her end of the compromise so he won’t go any further in the series.)
Friend’s husband is very good at pointing out silver Volvos and other Twi things and listens to us fangirl out but now likes to say he has “the memory of a goldfish” which is a direct quote from Tattward in Clipped Wings & Inked Armor. I almost choked on my Miller Lite the first time he said it. I would die if that’s where he got it from.

Speaking of Unicorns, yesterday I picked up my daughter from preschool and they were playing dressup. My daughter was in a long purple princess dress and the boy standing next to her was wearing a huge UNICORN head, and another girl was wearing a bear suit. Oh comeon!
I def think the classroom assistant is a closet fangirl, how else can there be purple, bears and unicorn costumes all in one place?

This was to funny! My hubby thought the Twilight movie was a thousand times better than New Moon… WHAAAAAAT?
Tonight I am watching New Moon with my not-out-of-the-closet-Twihard-BFF and we are going to play the drinking game posted a few days ago.
God, I love this site🙂

I openly have admitted before wishing my husband would just give twilight a chance. And have tried in vain to get my husband to set aside his preconceived notions for just long enough to give it a fair shot.

But as I watched new moon the other day i *gasp* felt like maybe i didn’t want to let him into my private little world. I was shocked at the thought that crossed my mind… Hadn’t I been fervently wishing he would just give up and try it? What the hell? But then realized it was just because I knew that it would just give him more fuel to make fun of me with.

I see the point made in this letter. I think it would freak the hell out of me if I saw my husband reading twilight…but that may have something to do with the fact he never read a book unless he had to.

I still stand my ground of jealousy of those lucky bitches with manly unicorns but while I might be wavering about wanting to keep up the attempt on changing mine into one, its only because I’m certain he’s un-turnable and forcing him into my little world will only take away my private little happy place because he’ll stomp on it.

i may have started to give up on the unicorn wish for my husband but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to change his salty hatred for all things twilight.

So does that mean I want him to be a horse? Something real, non-mythical, but lovely in its own way. Not a lover, not a hater.

The closest thing I have to a unicorn in my life is my friend. He’s gay, and thinks Robward is hot. He refuses to read the books because he thinks they will be boring. So really, he only watches the movies for Robward. (He hasn’t seen NM yet)

My boyfriend is a semi-unicorn too. He didn’t get why I was so into the whole twilight thing. and then he graciously went with me to watch both twilight and new moon on opening night and came out saying “that was pretty cool, the fight scenes and stuff.” He also has this thing for jessica’s boobs..and this weekend he watched new moon with me again along with all the special features which he then said “why are the special features longer than the actual movie itself!” and during the movie he asked me what happens when bella’s on her period!!! *facepalm* ..haha and I think he’s secretly team edward because every time jacob came close to kissing bella he screamed “NOOO!!” …..but he’s not one of those unicorns that willingly goes and picks up a the books and starts reading it and talks about them…so I’m glad I have a unicorn thats a supporter and mocker…he knows I’m totally in love with Rob too and although I get eye rolls all the time, he totally is into Rob’s style…he decided that he needed to go out and get Rob’s raybans to compliment his look -.- …or maybe he’s just jealous that I love Rob??

Though I do totally understand what UC and K are saying. If I were a gal, going with a guy, and on our second date his shirt sleeve moved up and I saw a pair of white hands holding an apple tattooed on his arm, well….

I would be totally fine seeing a guy who is into Twilight… but maybe not into it as much as me. I don’t know! That might be too much Twi for one relationship to handle.😀 The dynamic, of course, is totally different when you’re talking about a gay male relationship. We’re into chick things. It’s expected.

hahaha! I totally forgot about this letter. Also, haven’t been on here (LTT) for *way* too long. Months ladies….months. Thanks for posting this, it gave me a good laugh🙂

Also, in case you were curious, boyfriend=twilight hater. And the other day I was in the store and rolled my eyes at a pair of girls giggling in front of the New Moon display and got a high five from a random-hot -stranger-man.

FYI: occasionally pretending like you hate Twilight as well can be fun😉

SO…… pretending to hate Twi is a great way to pick up hot guys? Or do hot straight guys really underneath want the kind of girl who’s into Twi? A bit like the way I haaaaate mindless movie car chases and TV sport but kind of expect it from a guy?

UC – please ask White Yorkie and Font, I need answers.

PS. Am assuming White Yorkie and Font are hot and straight and I hate my fantasies being obliterated. White Yorkie’s name does make it kind of tough though.

Okay… I wasn’t going to comment on this from fear of being picked on by poochi mama but here it goes…

I’m dating a unicorn. He is the epitome of what I desired in a guy… (Think Tattooward via Clipped Wings and Inked Armor)… No he’s not gay for Edward (or Jacob for that matter – at least my hubby didn’t call Jacob “sexy” (ahem Poochi mama)) however he is team Edward. He quotes Twilight to me all the time. The very first sunset we watched together he whispered in my ear the Lion and the Lamb line and even calls me his “personal brand of heroin” …

I know… some of you are either going “aww” or going “let me find a trash can so I can puke” but I love him dearly.

It also comes in handy to have a guy who likes Twilight for my FanFic writing hours. He’s so supportive in my directions and has even given me several story lines to write by.

So yes I’m dating a Unicorn and I’m proud to have him.

He can steal my Twilight books anytime he wants. And I’ll be proud to have him sitting beside me at the midnight showing of Eclipse.

Nope, don’t wanna date a unicorn. Ridicule from the male of the species just makes Twilight that much more wonderful for me. I’m totes out of the closet with one group of friends (who are much younger than I am) and I am cool with being harassed about it. Unicorns kinda creep me out.