Monthly Archives: August 2011

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Long ago, and far away… in 2005… I moved from Vermont where I lived with my lovely mother and my littlest of sisters… and our cat. Kayla…

The way I like to recall the story of Kayla and her substantialicious ways is this…

Kayla became so depressed, and so despondent over my apparent (and well, really she was right) abandonment of her that she started packing on the ounces… which turned into pounds.

Over the course of time, she became a little…. larger in stature… In fact… My mom’s best friend Kimmie even said Kayla had become substantial. This I didn’t rightly believe. For she was always svelte and in good shape. I often tried to train her (to take baths – fail, to go on a leash – fail, to love me and let me hold and pet her – fail… She’s my most disappointing student to date). And she often tried to run away. Perhaps that’s why it took so long for her to grow to her substantial-ness.

She’s returned to almost her svelte figure of old… as you can see below. I can’t seem to find any pictures of the substantial days… I am left to assume she tore them up with her mighty claws of fury.

However today, when I “won” this in training… I knew it was a sign… It was time to tell the world of Kayla…. The cat who became substantial…. and then not substantial anymore…. because it’s true… Kayla made substantial look so good…. she was…. (wait for it)…. substantialiscious!!!

Normally month end is pretty big business at work.Lots of last minute stuff that comes in. Lots of staying late. Lots of rudeness and stress a-plenty in our department.

Now I’m not saying I won’t have to stay late after my class… But I will say the stress is at a standstill for the day while I’m in class.

I know it’s turbo-nerdy, but I love this ergonomics stuff!!! Probably because it appeals to the healthy little Mindy in me… and to my massage training… but it’s been such a breath of fresh air. It’s helping me to get rid of some of this stagnant stress.

It’s giving me hope that if some things in my work/life situation changes, I could be happy, healthy and whole feeling again.

I think stress breeds stress. I think negativity breeds negativity. And I think if those things are not managed from the top down; they multiply in weird ways.

When I first started this new position, I was ready and raring to go!!! I was pumping the positivity out of every pore! I thought I could help make things more streamlined, help when everyoen else seemed so down in the dumps. I truly (and sadly I was totally incorrect) thought I could be a change agent.

As the past few months have gone by, I find myself dragged further and further down. It has gotten to a point where I don’t even see those little glimmers of light breaking through the storm clouds. I used to think I could be that light in the dark. That me being happy and weathering the storm by looking for those silver linings would be enough.

As I am sure you can tell from my past posts, I’m not being very successful on that front.

This class has been great for reminding me of who I am, independant from my life in my work department. I honestly cannot wait for the day I get to be me all day long!!

Sorry for two serious posts in a day. Tonight will be full of whimsy(I HOPE!!!)!! Or at least filled with some Theron antics. 🙂

This whole concept of actually facing my weight issue once a week, publicly, is very intimidating. It means I can’t just glaze over it like ti’s not a real issue. Or that I can’t just post pictures of everything else in my life, omitting me (because I can’t stand to see the pictures of me).

Having to be accountable, honest and open about this issue that has such an impact is both mortifying (to have to be dealing with in the first place), and necessary (face it and deal with it I say!). What makes it more challenging to discuss is that this in an open forum. Who knows, that ex-boyfriend who never gained a pound could be reading it… or that girl I always envied… What will they think? Will they judge you? While I wouldn’t ever let that hold me back, I also do know that is in the back of my mind and I have to force myself to keep it there.

It’s easy to pretend to be okay with being overweight. Or to pretend that I am not fixating on the fact I am still no where near where I want and need to be because I feel good about being healthier than I was a year ago.

Honestly, I hate the way this overweight situation impacts me. Carrying the extra weight makes me ashamed of myself for not dealing with it sooner… for not being naturally able to keep an equilibrium between calories in and calories out like a “normal person”. I know that where I am at today is the culmination of many years of bad habits, ingrained since childhood… but I’m old enough that I should have been far more accountable much sooner.

Another thing about the situation that really gets to me is the impact to my self esteem… When I hit my goal, then I will…X, Y, or Z….Fill that in several different things… then I will go and do this, or then I will think about going for that other job, or then I will approach those people and they might give me the time of day… When I hit my goal, then, then I will really start living my life… In my heart of hearts… I know it’s my self esteem that is holding me back. Not the weight.

But the two are eternally intertwined for me.

I spend a lot of time mentally beating myself up for failing so many times before. For not being in better shape… For letting this process carry on so long…

The mental side of all of this wreaks havoc on me.

I just want the inside to match the outsides. The happy healthy girl on the inside wants her day year life in the sun!!!

Bad news…. My 1.5 year old laptop is majorly dysfunctional and will not boot up.As of about 7:15 last night. 🙂

I hate being computer-less.I have asked Hubs to try to work on fixing it up, keep your fingers crossed because I really really really don’t want to have to buy a new one.But I do need one for business purposes.Waaaah!

Good news…All day today and tomorrow I’m attending a Site Ergonomics Training Class!With my background in massage, as soon as this was offered, I ran to my supervisor and asked to be put in the class.It’s all so interesting, and I love having ways to provide real solutions to problems.

As an aside… being away from my regular work setting I’ve noticed some things…

·No nausea.No stomach pain.No headache.

·No extreme fatigue.No irrational levels ofirritability.

Now I’m not saying these things are something more than “coincidence”…. But I will say that it’s serious mysterious that these two things are happening in tandem!

I understand you no longer like me. While I am not certain of what I did to so thoroughly offend you, I promise it was not maliciously intentional. The mutiny you are staging has finally wore me down. I am flying my white flag of surrender. However, the extreme amount of pain and agony you are providing me with, free of charge, has got to stop.

In light of this, and in attempt to call a truce, or if necessary a full forfeit, I commit to doing the following in order to appease you.

I will, with the help of Stoneyfield Farms Fat Free Plain Yogurt provide you with a daily dose of probiotics. I’ll even give ’em to you on the weekends if that is what it takes.

I will stay away from the evil Milk-Fairy… No more cow milk in it’s liquid format, no more solid ice cream either. Thank goodness there are no more trips home to VT planned this year or maple creemees may have doomed this truce.

I will practice yoga every day. Even rest days. I will help you to relax. Heck, while I’m at it… I’ll even take a nice long bath a week.

I promise that I will work on my work/life balance and find a situation we can both be happy with.

I will take my daily MiraLAX just like the good doc told me to. I won’t shy away just because it further evidences that I have more in common with my grandparents and their peers than my own.

I will keep my coffee to a max of 1 cup in the morning and a decaf at night functional minimum. You may want to realize the deep ramifications this will have on my job performance. They tend to frown on sleeping at one’s desk, or under it for that matter. I will fully warn you if that afternoon slump hits, I will have to deviate. I understand you will retaliate as you see fit.

I will exercise regularly and consistently. I won’t just do so for a few days and fall off the ol bandwagon, as I can tell that it upsets you when I do that, and you punish me so. If you were to stop making me so bloated, perhaps I would see more results from my workouts, and not lose motivation.

I will continue to stay away from all your least favorite foods, no matter how yummy they are. The cows of the world will thank you…Those sea dwellers and soybeans, not so much so.

Yes, I get it, when I don’t give you enough sleep, you will force me to shut down and out. Yes, I get it that the more I ignore you, the louder (or more painfully) you will roar. I’ll get back to my lovely 8 hours of sleep a night.

Heck, I’ll even give you a couple of weeks without alcohol to see if that is what is irking you so. Just please, please, please stop the attacks.

I’ll get rid of all the gluten… I can’t handle the aching and the bloating any better than you can. I usually do so well; why must you punish me when I make these accidental ingestions?

As you can see, I’m willing to more than meet you halfway. I’m basically doing all the work here.

Is it too much to ask you to stop being so fickle? To stop with the unending cramps that have me doubling over in the hardware store? Or to stop making it so I have to always know where the powder rooms are?