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i know you want me
Can see that look in your eyes
But truth is darlin
Im one of those guys
Your mother warned you about
See i never have much to say
Too smart for my own good and
Have tamed my carnal desires
Rarely will i ever need your help
Dont believe me
Just ask Leftie

We’ve all experienced them, maybe they talk too damn much, have a bad odor, or make loud noises when they eat. Whatever the grievance they have been categorized as annoying people and as annoying people the one trait superpower that they all seem to share is the ability to fucking ALWAYS track you down. You could be in the middle of Antarctica on an archeological expedition and this bastard will pop up out of the hole you just dug claiming he fell into a rift in the time/space continuum. Just like a bad horror flick, there is no escape.

Always check your corners before crossing. Annoying people use these to travel. Anywhere on Earth that there is a corner, an annoying person can instantly warp there.

But fear not citizen, you’ve suffered their intrusive behavior for long enough. Today is the beginning of the rest of your life. No longer do you have to cower in fear taking roundabout ways to the water cooler because you-know-who might pop up from around the corner. Before we go into tactics however lets explore the root of the problem so you can understand more about yourself before finding the solution.

Let’s be honest with ourselves for a moment, you’re kind of a push over aren’t you? You’re the type of person who will put up with a lot of shit only to lash out 5 years later in burst of emotion that will have everyone standing around as witness thinking you’re a crazy person. That’s why you’re still reading this post and that’s okay; this guide is for you.

You’re ass hole friend Steve doesn’t need this guide because he’s warded off his threat years ago. See an asshole can smell the scent of an annoying person in the air (look it up) as an animal can smell fear. One look at his target and he already knows what he must do. Before the annoyance can even utter his first sentence the asshole already has a counter measure up his sleeve and WHAMO, just like that, the annoyance is defeated and the asshole continues on his day.

The “Mush” a great technique in dealing with an annoying person. Notice the technique here. The hand is covering the mouth leaving the annoying person unable to talk while leaving a small gap for him to perform the basic bodily functions like breathing. Bravo!

Not everyone has this power though and for those who don’t there is an alternate solution that is less direct in making this problem go away. The answer…

HANG OUT WITH ANOTHER ANNOYING PERSON

Crazy talk you say? No, it’s true. Just like injecting yourself with the venom of a different type of snake to counteract the venom of the snake that poisoned you, this maneuver works in the very same way.

As bothersome as your annoying person is you have to remember the golden rule of humanity, everyone has an annoyance. You might be thinking if person A annoys me why would I want to hang out with someone who annoys him? This person must be double annoying, right? Wrong.

Remember the quote “the enemy of my enemy is my friend” chances are, this mystery annoyance may very well be a reasonable member of society, someone who you may even have things in common with. Hell, the mere fact that you both don’t like the same person is a great way to start an initial conversation. Because if there is one thing that I’ve learned over the years, its that no human can bypass a good gossip fest about someone they despise.

Once you’ve found and befriended this person the rest is easy. Your annoying person will see that you’re hanging out with HIS annoying person and will think twice about approaching you. Keep this up and they may leave you alone entirely.

Don’t feel sad for her. That’s how you got in this mess in the first place.

Some annoying people are more troublesome to get rid of however. Some won’t leave you alone without a fight and may even try to demonize your new pal. “I hate that guy, he’s always so mean to me” or ” she double dips!” Don’t panic this just means that you’re on the right path to freedom. Just keep hanging out with your new bud and before you know it your nightmare will be a distant memory.

Many people believe in the concept of karma. That if you do nice things nice things will happen to you and if you commit evil deeds evil will one day befall you. But what if you could cheat karma? I like to think that life is all about perception. Good and evil are merely illusions of improper definitions for chaos/clarity, the two opposite forces that live in harmony to create balance. What if instead of actually giving people generosity you gave them the illusion of generosity? I’ll explain…

You invite your friend to an even or offer them a gift knowing in advance that this thing you are offering is not something they want or would want to do. (Keep in mind that this “Trojan horse” must be something that they legitimately oppose, otherwise you”ll be stuck in a position where they will reluctantly accept because they don’t want to insult your feelings.)

Knowing this fact, it’s easy to predict that the person will deny your charitable act. At the same time however you leave the impression that you’re a thoughtful individual on that person’s perception of you thus in their reality you have gained possible future karma points without the expense of actually having to sacrifice anything.

The only way this plan can backfire is if the person accepts your offer and at that point you can simply lie your way out of it. If you’re foolish enough to actually offer someone something that you don’t want to part with then the joke is now on you. As with all things, use in moderation.

You’re sitting around under a tree at a park, trying to be deep and shit and then BAM! Like lightning inspiration strikes you and you think of this marvel idea that will change the face of the world as we know it. You race back home to log on to your blog account, no, scratch that. You log into your blog account instantly from your iPad because in this fictional reality, you’re a fucking “GANGSTA.” You post your ground breaking thesis online and wait…and wait…..aaaaaand wait. To no avail. It’s been 4 minutes and you’ve acquired no comments, no likes, no nada.

It’s ok chump champ, we’ve all been there. That’s why today I will bestow upon all of you out there my secret and proven true techniques to increase bandwidth which will in turn increase that self esteem, mmhm!

That’s right bozo. We have nothing to do with this blog post.

Step # 57: The Accidental Discovery

The Accidental Discovery or “TAD” is a unique stratagem in which you are asking people to view your blog without actually asking them. How do you that you ask? Don’t worry this is some top shelf gung fu, jedi mind trick type shit but I’m going to break it down in a way that everyone can understand.

Step 1: INCEPTION
The goal here is to get the idea of your blog into people’s consciousness but not actually telling them about it first hand. In order to do this you need 2 things.

A popular friend and a facebook account.

From here simply post a link to your absolute best blog entry on to your popular friend’s facebook account. Doing this allows your popular friends’ friends to see your link. Once they see the link their curiosity will have been triggered and BAM! Instant traffic to your blog. But wait, in my haste I forgot, there is another skill you’ll need before we go to step 1 so lets back track a little bit.

Step 0: BECOMING AN INTERESTING FIGURE
Lets face it, no matter how many times you try to inception people, it will never work if people don’t give a damn about you either way. If this is the case then you’ll need to do some things to boost your popularity level. It’s not hard and there are many things you can do to achieve this. Committing a felony, (including but not limited to kidnapping, assault, etc) disappearing without a trace for an odd number of days/weeks, creating a diss record, etc. I won’t go into the full list of possibilities, you’ll have to figure it out on your own. What ever you choose to do just make sure you PUBLICIZE it.

That’s it really. A sure-fire way to get some hits for your blog. This method won’t work all the time but don’t you fret, there are 100 other ways to get the same desired effect. Join us next time as we go over stratagem #89: FAKING YOUR DEATH AND POSTING FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE

Before I begin, a friend asked me to do a write-up of natural hair vs permed hair for her magazine. Normally I wouldn’t be caught dead in this discussion because it’, excuse my french, fucking retarded. But I guess if Chris Rock can make a movie about it the least I can do is write a half assed report. Now to begin…

The age-old negro debate, should I wear my hair as it was naturally given or should I perm it with man-made chemicals? In this report I will attempt to answer this question. While this report might seem biased keep in mind that I am only reporting my opinion which just happens to be the truth.

HISTORY

We should all know the history of processed hair at this day and age. If you don’t I’ll give you the cliff notes version. A long time ago, but not s long that people don’t remember, a certain type of folk began enslaving another type of folk. It sucked and then one day the enslaved people were granted freedom, but not really. It was a false type of freedom because while “legally” their bodies were no longer in bondage their minds were. The mentality had been twisted to think that everything European was good and everything African (natural to themselves) was bad. Hence the creation of “good hair” and “bad hair.” The newly “freed” people tried everything they could to mimic their captures, even going so far as to put harmful chemicals in their hair to burn it straight instead of its natural coiled state. The moral of the story, the act of perming ones hair began as an act of self hate and the trend continues today.

HEALTH

I won’t bother looking up scientific facts and figures for writing something that common sense tells us is true. Perming your hair leads to bald spots, stunted hair growth, scalp irritation, and the mental fact that you kinda hate yourself. But don’t worry about that, you do you.

MAINTENANCE

Natural hair does indeed take many hours of maintenance in comparison to processed hair. On the flip side, processed hair is more restricting in the fact that you can’t do simple things like getting your hair wet, allowing people to touch it or sweat. Yup, you heard the correctly people who get perms are not allowed to sweat.

In the next issue we will talk about soul food and why eating it is harmful to the soul. How so you ask? Ever heard of diabetes? Yup…

What you see here is a common mistake among our folk. When a guy likes and pursues a gal but his advances are not returned. Normally most guys will take the hint and walk away but some dudes just don’t get it. Our friend Fareed is one of those dudes. I’m sure Fareed is a nice enough guy in his own right but his inability to see his unreturned text messages as a sign he should detour his advances make him seem like somewhat of a creeper.

So now you may be asking yourself, how can I avoid the pitfalls that Fareed and so many other men mistake in not being able to take a hint? Well, lets look at the picture above. Lets start with the dates on each text….

Jan 10, Jan 12, Jan 15.

The time span of this one way conversation allots to 5 days. The ideal amount of time you want to spend when pursuing that oh so special lady is 3 to 5. So our friend Fareed lucks out in this instance somewhat but this is where he makes his fatal mistake. Lets look at the final text shall we….

“How come you never respond?”

Hmmm, interesting. You see Fareed has noticed that in the 5 days of time he’s been talking to our young lady she has not once bothered to issue a return text. Now why is that? Maybe, juuuuuuust maybe she’s just not into our young lover boy. In fact I think it’s safe to assume that this is the case.

So remember dudes, 3 – 5 days is the recommended time to achieve some sort of verbal contact and if no response has been issued in that allotted time, stick that condom back in your pocket and call it a day.