15 Valuable Life Lessons For My Daughters

My daughters are growing older now (1 and 2 years old) so it’s only a matter of weeks before they go off to fend for themselves in the wild. I wanted to give them some valuable life lessons to help them survive the post Brexit apocalypse.

1- You can’t un-suck a willy. Save stuff like that for when I’m dead and you’re married.

2- Have a good handshake. Let them know you mean business but don’t break their fingers.

3- Some of your friends may not be vaccinated what with all the expert advice their parents picked up on google. Don’t get too friendly with those kids.

4- As a parent, I only want what’s best for you, so don’t be a tit. I’m not the smartest person in the world but I do have more experience than you.

5- Don’t join ISIS.

6- Lift weights, train hard and get stronger. Also learn some Jiu Jitsu as their will be times you may need it. Even if you never use it, you will become a better person in the pursuit of such strength and skills. Feel free to practise on school bullies.

7- Marry the right person. Too many people settle for safe and will go to bed at night with a balloon who doesn’t light their fire. It is better to be single and happy than to be living a shitty single life in a shitty marriage.

8- Save what you can and spend the left overs. Not vice versa.

9- Find what makes you happy. Do more of that (within reason ie not class A drugs). If you can become great at it and make a living doing it, don’t give it up for a safer option.

10- Soul mates exist. Just look at me and your mum.

11- School will teach you about Ox bow lakes, Moses, the value of Pi and mitosis. You have to learn about loads of stuff you have no interest in which actually helps highlight what you are good at and what does interest you! If you can pass exams in stuff that bores the face off you, imagine what you can do when you find your thing.

12- One of you was planned. The other was not. Someday I might reveal the truth.

13- Don’t use your phone at the table. Unless it’s to take a photo for your Instagram of a meal I’ve knocked up in minutes that could be featured on DILF Masterchef.

14- Choose friends like you choose a bra. Comfort and support beats fancy label and fake bits.