I’m Phuong, Quang’s sister, would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.

Topic: People work because they need money to live. What are some other reasons that people work? Discuss one or more of these reasons. Use specific examples and details to support your answer.

In modern society, work has already been a necessary means by which all the people live in the world, in spite of a few exceptions. First of all, people must work in order to get the money to meet their living. Besides, there are some more reasons that are also important for people’s working, of which making continuous progress is what I mostly want to emphasize.

First of all, people can learn varieties of basic knowledge and abilities that they need to deal with all kinds of problems they may meet in study, life, or work in current society. All the abilities, except for those physiological functions, people need to live in the world are not innately, of which family and school could supply only a small part, and most of them must be given by work. For example, proper relationship in work is the basic warranty of your working successfully. While in work, you would learn how to deal with the relationship between you and your leaders of your company, if you are an ordinary employee, or the relationship between you and your followings if you are a director mastering the company.

Secondly, we work to realize our value by producing large amount of goods and serving
the others. Farmer is not a farmer until he plant corps, teacher is not a teacher until she instruct classes. They all have their responsibility and they also receive our respects because of their contribution to the society. That is the meaning of the life, which gives us courage and confidence to exert our powers to build happy home.

Besides, on the way of making continuous progress, people usually can’t control themselves correctly by themselves in two basic aspects: the direction and motivation of progress. However, in the course of work, people will not lost their basic direction according to the daily task given to them. As the same time, once you have a fresh task that can interest you, you also will process the motivation to finish it, which keep you making progress in your life.

To sum up briefly, there are various kinds reasons that people need to work, some of which usually combine to each other. So far as to me, however, making continuous progress is one the most important reasons because it is people’s one of the most expected aims in their life, and work gives people a very effective approach to reach the aim.

Hi Phuong, I thought your writing was pretty good, but your thesis statement confused me a little. Your thesis is about continuous progress, but your essay itself discusses gaining abilities, producing value, and providing direction. You never make it clear exactly how these three things relate to continuous progress, so your thesis statement does not really match the rest of your essay. Here are some specific comments:

Quang1997:

I’m Phuong, Quang’s sister, would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.

Topic: People work because they need money to live. What are some other reasons that people work? Discuss one or more of these reasons. Use specific examples and details to support your answer.

In modern society, work has [always] been a necessary means by which all the people live{“survive” seems better here} in the world, in spite of a{maybe “… world, with only a few exceptions” is better} few exceptions. First of all, people must work in order to get the money to meet their living [expenses]. Besides, there are some more reasons that are also important for people’s working, of which making continuous progress is what I mostly want to emphasize.

First of all, people can learn varieties {“varieties” sounds a bit odd - maybe “… a wide range of basic” or "an assortment of "} of basic knowledge and abilities that they need to [use when dealing] {or “they need in order to deal with …”} with all kinds of problems they may meet in study, life, or work in current society. All the abilities, except for those physiological functions, people need to live in the world are not [innate], of which family and school could supply only a small part, and most of them must be [acquired] given by work. {this section is pretty unclear - maybe “Apart from some basic physiological functions, like eating and sleeping, every ability necessary to survive in our modern society is not innate, but learned. Furthermore, although our family and school can teach us some competencies, the best way to acquire these critical skills is through holding a job.”} For example, proper {“effective” is better here} [relationships] in work is the basic warranty {“warranty” is not really correct - I think you mean “guarantee”} of your working successfully. While [at] work, you would learn how to deal with the [relationships] between you and your leaders of your company, if you are an ordinary employee, or the relationship between you and your followings {it is “followers”, but that is not correct in a working context - try “and your staff”} if you are a director mastering [leading] the company.

Secondly, we work to realize our value by producing [a ]large amount of goods and serving
the others. [A] Farmer is not a farmer until he [plants crops, a] teacher is not a teacher until she [instructs] classes. They all have their responsibility and they also receive our [respect] because of their contribution to the society. That is the meaning of the life, which gives us courage and confidence to exert our powers to build happy [homes].

{this paragraph needs a better topic sentence to tell the reader what the paragraph is about - the main idea of this paragraph is that a career can provide direction and motivation in one’s life, so include that reason in your topic sentence} Besides, on the way of making continuous progress, people usually can’t {do not use contractions in formal essays} control themselves correctly by themselves in two basic aspects: the direction and motivation {“motivation” is a little unclear here - what do you mean? Ok, you mean just “motivation”, not “motivation of progress”} of [that] progress. However, in the course of [their] work, people will not [lose] their basic direction according to the daily [tasks] given to them. As the same time, once you have a fresh task that can interest you, you also will process {“process” is not correct here - maybe you meant “possess”?} the motivation to finish it, which [keeps] you making progress in your life. {don’t switch from third person to second person like this - just keep the whole paragraph in third person}

To sum up briefly, there are various kinds [of] reasons that people need to work, some of which usually combine [with] each other. So far as [I am concerned] to me, however, making continuous progress is one the most important reasons because it is people’s one of the most expected aims in [people’s] their [lives], and work gives people a very effective approach to reach the aim.

Hi Phuong, I thought your writing was pretty good, but your thesis statement confused me a little. Your thesis is about continuous progress, but your essay itself discusses gaining abilities, producing value, and providing direction. You never make it clear exactly how these three things relate to continuous progress, so your thesis statement does not really match the rest of your essay. Here are some specific comments:

Quang1997:

I’m Phuong, Quang’s sister, would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.

Topic: People work because they need money to live. What are some other reasons that people work? Discuss one or more of these reasons. Use specific examples and details to support your answer.

In modern society, work has [always] been a necessary means by which all the people live{“survive” seems better here} in the world, in spite of a{maybe “… world, with only a few exceptions” is better} few exceptions. First of all, people must work in order to get the money to meet their living [expenses]. Besides, there are some more reasons that are also important for people’s working, of which making continuous progress is what I mostly want to emphasize.

First of all, people can learn varieties {“varieties” sounds a bit odd - maybe “… a wide range of basic” or "an assortment of "} of basic knowledge and abilities that they need to [use when dealing] {or “they need in order to deal with …”} with all kinds of problems they may meet in study, life, or work in current society. All the abilities, except for those physiological functions, people need to live in the world are not [innate], of which family and school could supply only a small part, and most of them must be [acquired] given by work. {this section is pretty unclear - maybe “Apart from some basic physiological functions, like eating and sleeping, every ability necessary to survive in our modern society is not innate, but learned. Furthermore, although our family and school can teach us some competencies, the best way to acquire these critical skills is through holding a job.”} For example, proper {“effective” is better here} [relationships] in work is the basic warranty {“warranty” is not really correct - I think you mean “guarantee”} of your working successfully. While [at] work, you would learn how to deal with the [relationships] between you and your leaders of your company, if you are an ordinary employee, or the relationship between you and your followings {it is “followers”, but that is not correct in a working context - try “and your staff”} if you are a director mastering [leading] the company.

Secondly, we work to realize our value by producing [a ]large amount of goods and serving
the others. [A] Farmer is not a farmer until he [plants crops, a] teacher is not a teacher until she [instructs] classes. They all have their responsibility and they also receive our [respect] because of their contribution to the society. That is the meaning of the life, which gives us courage and confidence to exert our powers to build happy [homes].

{this paragraph needs a better topic sentence to tell the reader what the paragraph is about - the main idea of this paragraph is that a career can provide direction and motivation in one’s life, so include that reason in your topic sentence} Besides, on the way of making continuous progress, people usually can’t {do not use contractions in formal essays} control themselves correctly by themselves in two basic aspects: the direction and motivation {“motivation” is a little unclear here - what do you mean? Ok, you mean just “motivation”, not “motivation of progress”} of [that] progress. However, in the course of [their] work, people will not [lose] their basic direction according to the daily [tasks] given to them. As the same time, once you have a fresh task that can interest you, you also will process {“process” is not correct here - maybe you meant “possess”?} the motivation to finish it, which [keeps] you making progress in your life. {don’t switch from third person to second person like this - just keep the whole paragraph in third person}

To sum up briefly, there are various kinds [of] reasons that people need to work, some of which usually combine [with] each other. So far as [I am concerned] to me, however, making continuous progress is one the most important reasons because it is people’s one of the most expected aims in [people’s] their [lives], and work gives people a very effective approach to reach the aim.

In modern society, work has always been a necessary means by which all the people in the world, with only a few exceptions. First of all, people must work in order to get the money to meet their living expenses. Besides, there are some more reasons that are also important for people’s working, of which making continuous progress is what I mostly want to emphasize.

First of all, people can learn a wide range of basic knowledge and abilities that they need in order to deal with all kinds of problems they may meet in study, life, or work in current society. Apart from some basic physiological functions, like eating and sleeping, every abilities necessary to survive in our modern society is not innate, but learned. Furthermore, although our family and school can teach us some competencies, the best way to acquire these critical skills is through holding a job. For example, effective relationship in work is the basic guarantee of your working successfully. While at work, you would learn how to deal with the relationships between you and your leaders of your company, if you are an ordinary employee, or the relationship between you and your staff if you are a director leading the company.

Secondly, we work to realize our value by producing a large amount of goods and serving the others. A farmer is not a farmer until he plants crop, a teacher is not a teacher until she instructs classes. They all have their responsibility and they also receive our respect because of their contribution to the society. That is the meaning of the life, which gives us courage and confidence to exert our powers to build happy homes.

Besides, a career can provide direction and motivation in one’s life. On the way of making continuous progress, people usually cannot control themselves correctly by themselves in two basic aspects: the direction and motivation of that progress. However, in the course of their work, people will not lose their basic direction according to the daily tasks given to them. As the same time, once you have a fresh task that can interest you, you also will possess the motivation to finish it, which keeps you making progress in your life.

To sum up briefly, there are various kinds of reasons that people need to work, some of which usually combine with each other. So far as I am concerned, however, making continuous progress is one the most important reasons because it is people’s one of the most expected aims in people’s lives, and work gives people a very effective approach to reach the aim.