Flawlessly Jokes

The Computer Nerd and His Apprentice

So, I have a story about a wise old computing nerd and his new technological apprentice. He wanted to tell his young child some core life morals, as well as teach about old technology.

The wise man first showed the kid a polaroid camera. The kid quickly took it, and snapped a photo, but was v...

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Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable pro...

A blonde woman goes up for helicopter lessons.

She arrives at the air field raring to go. She does her ground school and heads up in the helicopter with the trainer. She does well so the trainer decides to let her take it up on her own.The instructor heads back to the tower and instructs her to take off and head to an area just outsi...

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine.

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says "I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word." The mathemati...

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The best blow job ever!

Henry and his drinking buddy are sitting at the bar one day, having a few brews, when Henry's buddy declares " I've had the best blow job ever, from the most amazing prostitute I've been graced to know!". Henry, who is amused by the statement, asked "what made it so special!?" To which his buddy rep...

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The old catholic priest of a small community is called upon by the church for a meeting, and the church sends a young replacement for the time that the old priest is away.

This is, infact, the young priests first real service for a community, and he is eager to do his duty.

He gives his first mass, performes it flawlessly, and during his sermon, none of the locals were bored. He is proud of his work, and wants to do more.

So, he sits down on the confessi...

The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.

The day of the final exam came. The Dr had...

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limous...

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The Astronomer

An astronomer on an extended lecture tour became weary of delivering thesame lecture night after night. He confided this state of mind to hischauffeur as they were driving to their next destination. The chauffeurexpressed a similar boredom in his line of work. "I've got it!" sa...

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A physicist recently won a Nobel Prize...

Over the course of the next few weeks he is welcomed to many ceremonies and events as a guest speaker.

On the way to the next event at Caltech University, he rehearses his speech again. During a pause, his driver says "You know I've heard your speech so many times I pretty much can recite it...

God judges Satan vs Jesus in computer programming war.

God tells Satan and Jesus they are supposed to create the perfect computer program.

Satan starts off strong and within the first fifteen minutes has the rough architecture of his program figured out and designed.

30 minutes in and Satan is cruising along. Satan is getting all the laye...

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The municipal philharmonic symphony and chorus were rehearsing....

The municipal philharmonic symphony andchorus were rehearsing Symphony No. 9 by Ludwig Von Beethoven. Sincethe chorus doesn't enter until the final movement, the singers were becoming very bored - especially the men in the back row. Then the basses had a clever idea. During break, th...

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A man is sitting at a bar, doing some heavy drinking...

He decides to take one last shot before going home. The shot doesn't sit too well with him; he gets queasy, and proceeds to vomit on his shirt.

"Fuck!" Says the dude. "My wife is gonna be so pissed that I came home covered in puke."

Thinking quickly, the bartender stuffs a five in his ...

A programmer made a Virtual Titanic.

It worked flawlessly until he made his last variable:

float = none

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The Aristocrats return to the talent agency...(OC)

The agent says, "Holy fuck, not you asshats again." The father shakes his head, "No, no. It's a totally different show. I swear, this one is going to be really big." The agent has a slow day, so he waves his hand for them to continue.

The father looks at his son, "Ok, Bernard..." and the son...

An optometrist was preparing an arranged marriage...

An optometrist was preparing an arranged marriage for his 18 year old daughter and needed to find a suitable husband. His daughter was extremely beautiful and has had many men across the world ask for her hand in marriage and her father began seeing which of these men would suit her. After searching...

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An octopus is in a bar and says he's a great musician.

An Englishman points to the piano and says, "Let's see."The octopus plays Mozart flawlessly. An American hands him a guitar and says, "try this." The octopus plays Hendrix perfectly. An Irishman hands him bagpipes and says, "how about these, lad?" The octopus fumbles around with ...

A man meets a Native American with flawless memory...

When he meets this Native American Chief he notices he is older than most.He asks the Chief many questions, and the Chief replies flawlessly to each one.

Then he thinks of a random date and asks the Chief, "What did you eat on October 18, 1987?" The Chief replies "Eggs".

He leaves ...

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Jokes

Here's one my da told me when I was about 12 on the way home from school one day,

So there's this brothel in a small town;every drunken so and so tends to vist.Everyone was abuzz one evening when rumour came through of a madam in said brothal which whom could "sing the Irish national anthem w...

A business was looking for office help and puts a sign on the window

The sign reads: "HELP WANTED: We are an equal opportunity employer looking for someone good with computers, Word, Excel and is bilingual"

One day a dog walks up, sees the sign and goes inside. He looks at the receptionist, looks back at the sign and barks.

Figuring out what the dog ca...

A blond goes into a clothing store

A blond goes into a clothing store and sees a beautiful pair of crocodile boots.

"How much for the boots?" She asked the salesman.

"$400" the salesman replied.

"No way I would pay that much for boots!" exclaimed the blond, as she quickly exited the store.

Later that day, ...

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So a woman is looking lost in the produce section of a grocery store...

So a man that works there approaches her and asks “Can I help you find something?” “Yes, can you please tell me where I can find the broccoli?” she asks. “Oh I’m sorry ma’am, we’re all out of broccoli right now but we will be receiving a new shipment tomorrow”. A few minutes go by, but the woman con...

A Woman Goes Into Labor...

...Her husband rushes her to the hospital. The delivery is taking much longer than usual and is exceptionally painful. The normal pain killers aren't working, so the doctor approaches the husband with a revolutionary new device. The device would transfer increments of the wife's pain to the Father o...

A guy with a cleft lip walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender,''eckpshkoosh me spshir, may I have a drink?''To which the barkeep replies in a similar manner,''Why spshertainly, what would you like?''A little off put, our friend orders a beer and sits at the end of the bar as another customer walks in, and with perfect arti...

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Yay for bar jokes!

A bartender is bored at work, as it is a slow night. There are far fewer customers than usual, and he still has another two hours before close. One of his patrons is quite drunk, but running low on money. The drunk man says "Hey barkeep! If you give me a free drink, I will recite all 50 states back...