To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message). For example:
1313
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

} When he says things like "The last thing I want to do is go to war; I'm} still hoping we can resolve this without resorting to violence." while} simultaneously deploying over 200,000 troops halfway across the globe.}} You owe the Oracle:}} Your vote in the 2004 Presidential election.

} To the common riff-raff (that's you) the image of racing scull crews} symbolizes teamwork. To the Upwardly Mobile Executive (the suits)} it represents the importance of leadership to keep the crew going in} the right direction. For those few at the very top of the executive} ladder, it represents the ability to sit on one's ass and let someone} else do all the work that you take credit for.}} You owe the Oracle some pictures that show priests working during} their lunch break. Oh, and see if you can find one that will inspire} Tim Chew to do something about his hair.

> Most Ingenious Oracle your are a fire-hose of information washing> fools off the streets and putting out raging lunatic fringe ideas.> You are like a red truck with a spotted dog on it rushing to our> aid. Gee golly, you are swell!>> What should I serve for food at my Spring Break party?

} It's fairly simple - they're going to reintroduce the draft after the} "War on Terror" finishes on Iraq and gets started on Iran, North Korea,} Botswana and Belgium. Since they need people who aren't in college,} they're just trying to make it difficult for you to maintain your} academic average.}} Close your eyes, bucko, and you may wake up in Brussels with a crazed} EU bureaucrat hurling a copy of the latest Cheese Sanitation Directives} at your head, and those buggers can kill!!}} You owe the Oracle a president who isn't doing his level best to make} the world hate America.

} Oh, sure, and stirring things into your coffee against the coriolis} force of descent will make it taste better. Wearing a g-string under} your pants will keep your cat out of the nip. Ironing your bra will} keep aphids out of your tea. Adopting Frenzy will make your bullshit} smell better.}} You owe the Oracle a comparison of political bullshit to the real} McCoy.

} You know, when you're asking "Who is that guy in the mirror?" it} is time to get to know yourself better. To help in that regard} the Oracle offers the following:}} -- The Get to Know Thyself Quick Quiz --}} 1) Which of the following days, in your opinion, is most important?}} a - April Fool's} b - Election Day} c - July 4th, 1947} d - pay day} e - St. Darwin Day}} 2) If your home caught on fire which of the following would you} try to save first?}} a - box of cereal} b - computer} c - your photos of chupacabra} d - your life} e - camera so you take take pics of the event}} 3) Where would you like to spend a vacation?}} a - Anywhere in California} b - Washington DC} c - Loch Ness} d - Finland} e - morgue}} 4) What are you wearing right now?}} a - shorts, tee-shirt with cute saying on it} b - white button down collar shirt, tie} c - fatigues} d - black tee shirt, Levi's} e - saran wrap}} 5) Which animal would you most like to be reincarnated as?}} a - loon} b - bee} c - yeti} d - camel} e - great white shark}} 6) Which of these are you -least- comfortable with in a work} situation?}} a - policies against surfing at work} b - wishy-washy bosses} c - those secret cameras in the rest rooms} d - incompetence} e - rules}} 7) If things don't go your way how do you react?}} a - whine} b - add names to your enemies list} c - point fingers} d - take a break, come back to problem later} e - single slug to back of the head}} 8) The last time you used the word 'love' what were you} discussing?}} a - yourself} b - your country} c - Big Brother} d - tennis} e - backwards homophones}} 9) If you could read only one newsgroup and were restricted to} one of the below, which would you pick?}} a - rec.humor.oracle.d} b - talk.politics.misc} c - alt.conspiracy} d - comp.lang.perl.misc} e - alt.tasteless}} 10) Who would you like to meet the most?}} a - Lisa} b - Putin} c - A Grey} d - Torvalds} e - Manson, Charles or Marilyn, either one. . .}} Tally up your answers:}} If you mostly answered 'a' then:} You have a tenuous grasp on reality, the problem} is that you're aware of this and consider it a} strength. They have medications for this now a days.}} If you mostly answered 'b' then:} You like to be in the know and are keenly aware} of your surroundings, unfortunately you blend into} the surroundings. Go to the video store and rent} some films you've never heard of.}} If you mostly answered 'c' then:} We know where you live. Stop. Await further orders.}} If you mostly answered 'd' then:} You are logical and very smart, you need to go} outside every now and then when the sun is up} and/or start drinking lots of milk.}} If you mostly answered 'e' then:} You are the type of person your mother warned you} about, you're lots of fun at a party until the drinks} run out, then things can get ugly. Try and find a} legal hobby.}} You owe the Oracle an air tight alibi and a seal.

> O gracious Oracle, with no beginning and no end, kind of like a circle> (is that why Oracle starts with an O?)>> In nethack, I came across a statue of a yellow light. I fail to> understand how a statue of a type of energy can exist.

> Oracle most wise,> My fancy capacitors> Are not smart like you>> Please think about this> Electronic Engineer's> question with your brain.>> Why does my solder> Cease to carry current soon> After it has cooled?>> I thank you kindly> For listening to my lame> Haiku, sir. Bless you.

} Making a solder joint,} Heat it up boldly.} Using too little heat} Leaves it all coldly.}} The joint must be hot and} The solder must flow.} 'Cause through rosin alone} Milliamps will not go.}} For delicate parts} A heat sink must sunk} The excess heat off} Or you'll just have junk.}} When it looks finished} And you think it is set,} Wait just a minute} For you're not done yet.}} Disturb the joint now} While it's still cooling off,} You'll ruin the structure} So don't even cough.}} Patience and care} Are the soldering virtue.} And don't touch that iron} On the part that can hurt you.}} You owe the Oracle's Poetry Muse a round of applause.

} Let's find out!}} [ Six months later... a major metropolitan area in the} American Northeast. Zadoc and the Oracle are walking} down a cold windswept street. ]}} Oracle: Six months ago we gave 100 beggars one horse} each. Now we're back to see how they fared.} Whoa! Zadoc you fool, watch where you step.}} [ Zadoc lifts up one of his feet and stares at it. ]}} Oracle: Spoor. We're close.}} [ Just then a little old lady comes running down} the street towards our two heroes. Ok. One hero} and his fool. ]}} Zadoc: I do say, that is passingly odd.}} [ A horse bearing a bum rounds the corner in pursuit} of the lady. ]}} Bum: Come on. Surely you can spare a dollar for some} clover for my nag?}} [ Horse and rider fly by. ]}} Oracle: Hmm.}} [ They cross the street to a park. ]}} Oracle: Oh dear. This is Not Good. Not Good at all.}} [ In the park they see horses passed out near paper} bags bearing bottles of screw cap wine. Horses} warming their hooves over a fire in an old barrel.} A horse in hot pants wanders over to the Oracle. ]}} Horse in hot pants: Want to horse around?}} Oracle: Nay.}} Horse in hot pants: Sure, but that will cost you extra.}} Zadoc: Wisest One, are we done here?}} Oracle: Sadly yes, it seems you can make a horse drink} after all.}} Horse in hot pants: Hey!}} [ fade to black ]