Sunday, January 20, 2013

Cheery Has Left the Building and This Is What's Left

I've still can't load pictures from this computer to this blog. Grrrrrr. Oh well. There is much on my mind and I need to share it.

I had a mini-meltdown of sorts this week. Actually, I had a couple. This tends to happen to me every year. Some years are worse than others. At the worst of times, I think that these meltdowns are strictly work related. That, somehow my job is to blame. I only think this because I'm always who I am and for the most part, teaching is all I've done. I've worked a couple of other jobs: movie theater (box office, concession), retail clothing, Kroger cashier and bagger. I'm wondering if I were to work there now, if I would be stressed like I am now. Sometimes, I think I would. The stresses would be different, of course. But stresses none the less.

I'm an overachiever. Always have been. I think this is due to a low self-esteem. I'm getting better, I think. If I thought I was even a fraction as good of a teacher as other people say that I am, I think I would be conceited. Hard to live and deal with. So the way I compensate is to do more. Do things differently. Beat myself up all along the way. Does this work? I don't know. You tell me. People keep telling me that I'm a leader, that I'm doing a great job, that I'm a good person. Do I believe this? No, not really. So the vicious cycle continues. Do more, try harder and I'll do a better job and then I will feel better.

But here's the truth. The work is never done. Ever. I work 7 days a week, 365 days a year. I am your tax dollars at work. I take no time off. It many ways, it defines me. And this saddens me. I know there is more to me than what I do for a living. So, what's the answer then? There's only this.

Let go and let God.

He's got this. He gives me the strength, the will, the patience to forge forward. The answer to my heaping plate of things to do is not to get a bigger plate. That's what I do. My current plate is as large as a serving platter. The next stop is to hire someone to help me carry the next size platter around. Seek God's face and his understanding of my place. Why I'm here....what I'm to do while I'm on this planet.... Don't worry about everyone else. They're struggling too.

Sounds good, right? I know all the answers. I just need to have faith that I can leap from where I am and He will catch me. I'm standing on the sidelines of my life, afraid, wringing my hands trying to figure how to fix things. How to not be afraid. And failing miserably all the while. I just want to close my eyes and leap and feel the freedom that comes from trusting and having faith in God and His divine plans for my life.