JEFF EDELSTEIN: Breaking Bad' is the best TV show ever, so I'm told

I’ve never watched an episode of “Breaking Bad.” Are you happy now, world? You’ve sucked it out of me. The Best Show Ever! and I’ve never seen a single frame.

I’m not happy about this, to be clear. Everyone is all excited about how the show is going to end, all I keep hearing is how people need time to compose themselves after each episode is over, and here I am, sitting in a corner, re-watching “The Sopranos.” (Which I highly recommend, by the way. I’m through the first three seasons, and picking up themes I totally missed a dozen years ago.)

So anyway, yeah: I’m the only human not watching “Breaking Bad.”

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Well, except for my friend Jeff Mudrick, who I noticed posted the following on his Facebook wall: “I am apparently the only person on the planet who has never seen “Breaking Bad.” It’s become too much. I figured out using Netflix in Cambodia and renewed my subscription. Give me about a year to catch up. Thank you for your understanding.”

That’s right. The only other person in the world who hasn’t been watching Walter White whip up meth is a guy who lives in Cambodia.

Sad state of affairs.

At this point, there’s two fair questions to ask of me: “Why haven’t you watched it?” and “You don’t live in Cambodia, so why not fire up the Netflix?”

I’ll take these in order.

1) When the show debuted, I was going to watch it. But I didn’t, and for a good reason. I’m a recovering hypochondriac, and while I assume that statement will elicit a giggle or two, the fact is it’s true. Here’s an example of the nonsense: I distinctly remember watching a TV news report about lupus, and how over 95 percent of cases happen to women, and then convincing myself I had the disease. I was an idiot.

Anyway, I worked through it. No longer an active hypochondriac. But it still bubbles up every so often. And so when I read the synopsis of the show — “Dad with stage 3 lung cancer becomes meth dealer.” — well ... they had me at “Dad with stage 3 lung cancer.” At this point in my life - early 2008 - my wife and I had already decided we were going to take the leap and have kids. I was also still actively smoking cigarettes.

So the thought of watching a show about a dude who’s dying of lung cancer and leaving his kids behind made me want to not watch the show. Ever.

But as it turns out, and as a lead-in to question #2 …

2) The show isn’t about the lung cancer. It’s about whatever it’s about. So why not start watching it now? Well, I feel like the moment has passed. Just by virtue of being alive and connected to the Internet, I know too much about the show to be able to enjoy it. It’s like someone prefaces a joke by saying “This is the funniest joke ever, it’s about a monkey, a rabbi and bottle of Gatorade.” No matter how funny the joke is, you’re going to find it less funny because of the hype and the knowledge.

So basically, when it comes to “Breaking Bad,” I screwed up. My own silly neurosis prevented me from watching the best serialized drama since “Lost.”

Oh that’s right. “Lost.” I’ll still defend it to anyone who will listen. But that’s a story for another day.

In the meantime, world, enjoy your last two episode of “Breaking Bad.” I’m envious.