Posts Tagged ‘advice’

Every time we lay our yard mats or cushions out, the cat gets on them and sprawls all over them. Since she is truly a meankitty, we don’t dare force her off, so we end up sitting on a pile of cat fur. What shall we do about the mess she has caused?

Signed,
Fur Butt

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Dear Butt,

There are several steps you can take to defurr your most important asset, if you get my drift, without upsetting the most important member of your household — the cat. One, flip the cushions over before you sit on them so that they have a people side and a cat side. Two, toss a towel over the fur-coated cushion. Three, change pants.

In your omnipotent feline wisdom, I am hoping you can help me solve a mystery. I am just a simple pink kitty slave who used to be owned by one meankitty named Elvis. Pretty soon I was owned by three meankitties. Now I am owned by five meankitties, and I think they are planning to move another one in next month.

What exactly are these cats doing to me while I sleep that makes me continue to enslave myself to more and more of them? When will this end? Will this end? Are kitties highly skilled at slave hypnotism?

Signed,
PinkieSlave

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Dear Pinkie,

They’ll top out at 5 or 6. They won’t want to share their food, their catboxes, and their petting time that much unless you live on a farm or something.

As for admitting what the cats do when you’re sleeping, my vow as a member of SOHC prevents me from revealing that information.

I have encountered a problem with a kitty. It seems a female cat and her young have decided to settle in my garage. They are slowly taking it over. Now my garage smells and I get hissed at every time I go to the car. Is there some kind of cat repellent or some way to hint to these trespassing cats that my garage is not a good place to stay?

Signed,
Finicky

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Dear Finicky,

Sounds like you’ve got some new cats to love, obey, and cherish! They are hissing at you because they want food, a cat pan, and trips to the vet in short order. The ones of proper age want to get fixed. Well, they don’t really WANT to get fixed, but if you don’t get them fixed they’ll make more and more and more cats until you live at stinky feral cat house, and doing bad things to them when you could just as easily take care of them is unacceptable.

Can’t take care of them? Then you’ll have to trap them and take them to the closest no-kill shelter.

My human just brought home this wretched little feline to share my space. His name is Sam, apparently, but I think of him as “the crapper.” He follows me around and makes these stupid chirping noises when he runs. He is a total runt and probably weighs less than my tail. I know I could just rip his little black head off, but I worry about the stain that might make on my pristine white fur. Can you suggest a neater, tidier way to get rid of the menace?

Sincerely,
Meankitty Nala

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Dear Friend Nala,

It’s going to take some work on your part, but we recommend you master the art of the sliding glass door. The slaves will forget to lock it one day — use the SOHC hypnotism technique on page 56 of the manual if you must — and you can slide it open and shove the Crapper out it. Then he will run away, because he sounds like the type, and you will have your human to yourself again. I am very sympathetic to your plight, as at the time I am answering this email we have 4 crappy rats upstairs and all my plots to rid myself of them and their stinking mother have failed. So far.

Sincerely,
Meankitty

[[Note: this historically significant and yet accurate advice was written during Meankitty’s trial of Kittenwatch, documented on the archive site. There are not currently any kittens OR rats in the Meankitty household.]]

My cat won’t go in the box, my cat won’t go in the box, my cat won’t go in the box, my cat whizzes in the clothes, my cat poops in the living room! What will I do?

Sincerely,
Ten Thousand Slaves

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Dear Slaves,

I get this question more often than any other. Any. Other. I have answered it several times, in several variations, but no more! At least, no more until I feel like answering it again. Or think of something new that is bound to be entirely useless for actual cat behavioral issues, which you may or may not have noticed, I don’t often “do”. Anyway, if you asked me this anytime over, oh, I dunno, the past freakin’ year, this is your response.

I have a new kitten (about 10wks old) we are keeping in our spare bathroom so he has space to play yet not the run of the house yet. As expected he is scared and has managed to crawl under a cabinet and only comes out to eat when no one is around. The good part is that he can get in or out as he needs, but runs back under at the first sight of us or noise. We are worried he will not bond to us. I assume it’s best to let him come out and stay out on his own rather then forcefully pull him out. Any suggestions for coaxing him out?

Regards,
Hidden kitty

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Dear Hider,

Get the kitty a cardboard box with a kitty sized hole for him to hide in and block off the egress to the cabinet. Then at least you can get him out more easily should you need to. Also you could cut a few stick-sized holes in the kitty box to “play” with kitty through using feathers or sticks or strings. And toss some of your dirty human clothes in the bathroom floor to get the kitten used to your scent. Or just give him a more interesting place to go potty!

My name is Faith and I LUFF socks. Yes. I have 1 special sock of a yellow color but…you’ll never believe this…THE DAWG TOOK IT!!! I have been plotting my revenge, but the slaves keep taking me away from him when I go to get it. Help.

Much Love,
Faith

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Dear Faith,

You know? Socks come in pairs. Not only that but DAWGS, idiots that they are, are color blind. Either find the other yellow sock for yourself or trick the dog with some pink socks.

Kirby is a 1 year old neutered male. He lures me to his food dish where he purrs like a maniac and loves me to pet him while he eats (only me). Yet, when I pet him, he becomes aggressive and will start to bite. He bites my ankles, my wrists, my arms or wherever he can sink his teeth. If he wants me at his food dish, and I cannot go, he will start to chase me until I do. He wants his way and he wants it now, doesn’t matter if I’m trying to get ready for work or if I will be late. Any advice?

I love your website! I thought we were the only ones with a mean kitty! I will send photo/information about her soon. Can you tell me what to do to keep her from biting? We have tried everything from spraying her with a water bottle to actually biting her back!

Signed,
Diane

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Dear Diane,

Biting, schmiting. You could try rubbing tobasco sauce or minced garlic all over and maybe your kitty won’t like the taste. Of course, you might not like it either, but your comfort isn’t a real goal here.

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