With government cheese, everything is a wedge issue

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A spokesman for the Democratic National Committee announced that all Democrat candidates who run in the 2020 presidential election will go without armed security to protest gun violence in America, the Babylon Bee reported last week.

The Sacramento Brie investigated, and here’s what you need to know.

The Bernie Sanders campaign will, indeed, prohibit their team members from carrying firearms. Instead, Sanders will be constantly surrounded by up to 10,000 unarmed Great Patriots from nudist communes and college campuses nationwide. “Bernie has proven his grass roots leadership yet again by implementing Order 227, and Our Revolution will take not one step backward!” shouted spokesman Michael Briggs.

When we called Elizabeth Warren’s campaign, the candidate answered the phone herself at 3:00 a.m. “I have promised not to have armed security funded by the taxpayers,” she said. “And my first act as President will be the creation of a new cabinet-level agency committed to ending private gun violence by white Americans.”

Former Vice President Joe Biden flatly denied the report. “Anyone who wants to protect themselves needs a double barreled shotgun,” he said. “I promise you, as I told my wife, that if I am ever threatened, my team will just walk out, put up their double barreled shotguns, and fire two blasts outside my campaign bus.” Campaign aides quickly clarified that Biden was lying through his false teeth.

Kamala Harris did not say whether her campaign would not be armed. But she did call Biden a “demented old white man who thinks he’s riding shotgun for Democrats but wants to put black people back in chains.”

Colusa Lucy, spokesdog for California Gov. Jerry Brown, said, “Logistically it may not make sense, but morally and socially and politically it makes every sense, so my master will not allow his security team to carry guns during the campaign. What he decides to do after becoming president is anyone’s guess.”

Conclusion: The Brie gives the claim three government cheeses for a rating of “mostly true.”