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http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/185http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/185
Masterbaster, Liverdance, Kerry's Cumcake<p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;Avast ye mateys,&rdquo; proclaimed Infinite Butthole. &ldquo;Be ye friend? Or be ye foe?&rdquo;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring looked at him blankly. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s&hellip; isn&rsquo;t that in September?&rdquo;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;Argh, ye dinna answer me lassy!&rdquo; Infinite Butthole thrust Brown Eye forward. &ldquo;Me first mate will make ye walk the plank!&rdquo;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;No, I&rsquo;m not touching her!&rdquo; Brown Eye went to hide behind Just James and Just Lucky.</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><br /> &ldquo;Argh,&rdquo; Five Angry Inches sprang out. &ldquo;I will make sure this lady sees her due punishment. For tonight I will sail the seven hills of San Francisco, and it will take more than a wench to bring me --- ack!&rdquo;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Tonya Hardon, wearing the Dread Dick Ass Mother Fucker&rsquo;s colors, had shanked him.</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;Mutiny!&rdquo; cried Hoseblower, leaping up the stairs. &ldquo;Abandon ship!&rdquo; But the small sheet of paper in his hand did not go unnoticed.</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;A map! He must know the way to the treasure!&rdquo; cried Tricrapylete, and a merry chase did ensue hence forth from Russian Hill.</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Mouth Down South watched them dash after each other into the sheets of rain. &ldquo;They think they&rsquo;re pirates now?&rdquo; He asked Double Man Cum.</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">His companion took a long breath in. &ldquo;I&rsquo;ve thought worse of them,&rdquo; he admitted, shrugging.</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It paddled by in a canoe.</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Meanwhile several alliances had been struck somewhere around Columbus Street. Bierectional and Cirque du So Lame flew their flags under the colors of Minor 69er and had quickly recruited Douchicorn with promises that those colors would later turn to skin, while I Did A Rod and Golden Showers proclaimed their independence as visitors and convinced The Uniballer that they were all just visiting Earth anyway, really. </span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;Be ye with us or against us?&rdquo; Gobble My Ass yelled, pulling up to port next to Dick Simmons.</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;Oh, er, I&rsquo;m an independent journalist. Just documenting, really.&rdquo; He continued drawing his caricature. <br /> <br /> &ldquo;I&rsquo;ll say it one more time,&rdquo; Gobble My Ass pulled her sword from her scabbard. &ldquo;Be ye with us?&rdquo;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;Weekend At Abba&rsquo;s and John Handcock are planning an incursion towards Lombard Street,&rdquo; he gulped. &ldquo;Reverse Schoolgirl is with them.&rdquo;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;Handcock, eh? The lilly-livered scum,&rdquo; Gobble My Ass spat. &ldquo;C&rsquo;mon, Do Her Well, set the sails towards Lombard!&rdquo;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">At the very reservoir itself they amassed, armed to the gills and fingers aching for a fight. Liverdance and Kerry&rsquo;s Cumcakes stared at the formed armadas and were about to flee, were it not for Cockamole&rsquo;s words:</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;Mateys, we have journeyed long and hard, and for what? To fight? Over some grog?&rdquo;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;Aye!&rdquo; Chorused the group.</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><br /> &ldquo;Shit,&rdquo; Cockamole muttered. &ldquo;Be ye a bunch of human cesspits? Did yer mamas not teach ye to share?&rdquo;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;Me mother?&rdquo; shouted Millimeter Peter. &ldquo;Me mother was the Sea!&rdquo;<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>`</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;Well yer sea would tell that ye must be sharing,&rdquo; Kerry&rsquo;s Cumcakes shouted. &ldquo;Or I&rsquo;ll run ye through wit&rsquo; me sword!&rdquo;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;Oh, okay,&rdquo; Pepe Le Poop started doling out cups.</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;Whew,&rdquo; Liverdance sighed. &ldquo;I just hope Masterbaster&rsquo;s got trail taken care of to the next drink check.&rdquo;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;More treasure?&rdquo; Bloqueen&rsquo;s eyes grew wide, and Shaft had already raised his sails. Infinite Butthole broke his Captain Morgan-style piss off short, leaping from the battlements with his crew, Tears of Semen hot on his heels. </span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll see ye sleeping with the fishes before ye get to my treasure!&rdquo; threatened Miss Delivery. He leapt to the prow of his ship and charted course into unknown waters.</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;Aye, he be a clever one, that Miss Delivery,&rdquo; proclaimed The Perfect Woman. &ldquo;But I have a far keener mind than even he.&rdquo; And so The Perfect Woman set course not for where the hares had been, but where the hares would be, and he could only curse the stars in the sky for his folly.</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;Now that I have had me fill of treasure,&rdquo; Wee Wee gulped down a shot taken from Kerry&rsquo;s Cumcakes&rsquo; quaking hands. &ldquo;Where be me port in this storm?</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;Masterbaster has secured us grog and orange victuals to ward off the scurvy, and to celebrate the feat that his dear mother perfomed when giving birth to him,&rdquo; Liverdance pointed into the distance. Just Jericho scurried for safety, with Just Bridget close behind him.</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">And so gathered all the pirates and their respective crews to deliberate and make certain members mount the plank. Tuna on Top and Cockamole found that several smugglings, lootings, brigandings, and general ransackings had occurred, and this was not to mention Just Maddie whose red tresses revealed she was flying under false colors and was therefore deemed Bloody Good Head.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;Now that&rsquo;s the real treasure,&rdquo; muttered Muff Daddy.</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;Now let us mount the battalions and set course to Kennedy&rsquo;s,&rdquo; yelled Backside Banger.</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;Here, here!&rdquo; agreed Just Get It Over With, and so they did.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Sun, 18 Mar 2018 21:32:55 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/184http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/184
Straight to Hell & Who's Your Daddy<p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, No! If you don&rsquo;t let me go, the pack will catch me!&rdquo; Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy rocked back and forth.</p>
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<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Uh huh,&rdquo; Dr. Lady Bird On My Johnson made a notation. &ldquo;Would you like to tell me why that makes you so afraid?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We don&rsquo;t have time for that, man,&rdquo; Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy got up and paced to the end of the room. &ldquo;The Perfect Woman pops up out of nowhere. Nowhere! And have you ever heard Eat My Pussy coming up behind you? Have you?&rdquo; He turned sharply, but a short gesture from Dr. Johnson kept Ru Ru Rimmin, standing guard, at bay. Ru Ru Rimmin relaxed, but his nipples remained erect.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
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<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I tell you, there is nothing more terrifying than the moment you step off the cliff and decide you&rsquo;ll do a little extra for an eagle, and you hear Dick Ass Mother Fucker scurrying mere seconds away. More terrifying than Liverdance and Kerry&rsquo;s Cumcakes discussions about anal. More frightening than listening to Brown Eye give Do Her Well relationship advice.&rdquo;</p>
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<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
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<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well, it&rsquo;s my job to help you work past those fears,&rdquo; Dr. Johnson said reassuringly. &ldquo;Drs. Knightstalker and Blackout have traveled very far to study your case, and I can assure you all the best minds can be called in if necessary.</p>
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<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
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<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s what I&rsquo;m afraid of, I knew that Millimeter Peter would zig left at the base of Bernal, so I zagged right, and I knew that Bi-erectional wouldn&rsquo;t hesitate to swing either way on Cortland so I stayed the course. But if Udder Moron could figure out all of my tricks, then you assholes, pardon my French, don&rsquo;t stand a chance.&rdquo;</p>
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<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
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<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Chicken Bone Her,&rdquo; Dr. Johnson called over the radio. &ldquo;I believe we need your assistance.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After a moment, Chicken Bone Her&rsquo;s friendly face emerged along with a tray full of pills, closely followed by Cunty Butler with a Taser. &ldquo;Look, cupcakes!&rdquo; she said cheerfully. &ldquo;They have Kahlua inside!&rdquo;<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> </p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;God dammit, I told you we don&rsquo;t have time for that!&rdquo; Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy patted his sides. &ldquo;Where&rsquo;s my flour?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Mouth Down South set a guerilla bar check,&rdquo; Chicken Bone Her explained gently. &ldquo;He made the mark so plain even Cream Throat Willy could find it.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s crazy,&rdquo; whispered Cunty Butler loudly. &ldquo;SFH3 would never accept a guerilla bar check.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;SHH!&rdquo; Chicken Bone Her didn&rsquo;t lose her grin. &ldquo;Titty Boo Boo was so thoroughly confused by your first check he&rsquo;s in Brisbane by now. Backside Banger is going to have to let him sleep on his couch or risk letting the neighbors learn about who he associates with. Three Fingers has been out for so long his kid&rsquo;s already graduated from college. Your trail is taking the pack longer to solve than Just Get It Over With takes to finish a down down.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
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<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Wow,&rdquo; said Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy.</p>
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<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yeah, wow. It would take Cream Chugger five trails to sow the chaos you sowed in one. Just Adam and Just Rob could have gotten hash names, had kids, and had those kids given hash names by the time the pack would be able to find beer check. If Wee Wee had stayed at work instead of hashing, she could have published a Linnaean classification of stool by now. Gloryhole could have encircled the globe sixty-nine times, Bloqueen could have chugged just as many new artisanal beers, and Shaft might have gotten a new Strava record had he not opted to pursue your trail.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Aww, that&rsquo;s so swe&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;NOW TAKE YOUR DAMN CUPCAKE!&rdquo; Chicken Bone Her finished.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Okay,&rdquo; Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy complied. &ldquo;Fuck Norris? Fuck Norris, what are you doing with that flour? No, don&rsquo;t let Vagina Dentata take over my trail&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Okay, he&rsquo;s out,&rdquo; pronounced Chicken Bone Her.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Dr. Knightstalker recommends a partial lobotomy,&rdquo; Dr. Johnson informed them. &ldquo;But Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It says he&rsquo;ll complain to the medical board. Some nonsense about patient rights and autonomy.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I heard Cirque du So Lame and Mary Tyler Whore were running a back alley surgery above Toronado,&rdquo; Wash This Asshole poked his head in the padded room.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Excellent!&rdquo; Chicken Bone Her said. &ldquo;Have Dildo Baggins prepare Toronado&rsquo;s special recovery suite, <span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">the one overseen by Good Shit Lollicock</span>. I expect the patient will do just fine.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 12 Mar 2018 07:47:29 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/183http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/183
Cream Chugger and Tears of Semen<p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span>&ldquo;Are you sure we can&rsquo;t just go outside and run trail the normal way?&rdquo; Douchicorn paced impatiently by the door.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It shoved him out of the way as he entered, panting underneath a full set of flood gear. He wormed his way out of several jackets, two pairs of galoshes, and a fisherman&rsquo;s net. &ldquo;No. No. It&rsquo;s&hellip; not worth it.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cream Chugger ignored them both. &ldquo;Roll to determine whether you advance,&rdquo; she instructed Cockulus Oculus. &ldquo;I&rsquo;ll give you double points for your birthday.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Why are we taking turns?&rdquo; demanded Titty Boo Boo. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s a hash RPG, it should be a free for all.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Settle down, settle down,&rdquo; Bloqueen demanded.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Who died and made you hare?&rdquo; asked Cunty Butler.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That was the last campaign, you weren&rsquo;t paying attention,&rdquo; Tears of Semen said softly. &ldquo;Bloqueen defeated Do Her Well and obtained access to the hareline.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You arrive at the base of a hill,&rdquo; Cream Chugger announced. The entire pack groaned. &ldquo;You see a check,&rdquo; she continued undeterred.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Check up the hill,&rdquo; chorused Reverse Schoolgirl, Tonya Hardon, and Ru Ru Rimmin.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Sorry I&rsquo;m late,&rdquo; Deadbeat shoved his way to the edge of the table. &ldquo;What&rsquo;s going on?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You&rsquo;ve been eaten by a dragon,&rdquo; Tears of Semen declared.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, I get it,&rdquo; Deadbeat replied. &ldquo;Chinese New Year, huh?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Stereotyping much?&rdquo; Udder Moron raised an eyebrow.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;In the center of the check is a fortune cookie,&rdquo; Tears of Semen announced.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Eat the fortune cookie,&rdquo; One Night Only opted.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You choke on the paper inside,&rdquo; Cream Chugger declared. &ldquo;Roll to determine the strength of your gag reflex.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Also, no one has solved the check,&rdquo; prompted Tears of Semen.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Check up the hill,&rdquo; chose Dr. Bombardier.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We already checked there,&rdquo; reminded Douchicorn.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Check up the hill,&rdquo; echoed Dick Ass Mother Fucker.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Actually, guys, it&rsquo;s due east,&rdquo; pointed out Bloqueen.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I continue up the hill,&rdquo; The Uniballer announced. &ldquo;Roll to accidentally run into beer check.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Five. A gigantic Malamute ignores you and sweeps Tuna on Top up and carries her along with two virgins to Hand Pump&rsquo;s van. You take an extra thirty minutes to get to the beer, and by then it&rsquo;s just PBR. Muff Daddy approaches you, roll if you want to evade.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Giggity,&rdquo; Five Angry Inches declared.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Roll for pit vipers,&rdquo; their visitor from Houston declared.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Snake eyes. You are eaten by a homeless person,&rdquo; Tears of Semen announced.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We have reached circle. Visitors are now required to provide a body part,&rdquo; Cream Chugger told them. &ldquo;To determine the size of the&hellip; Jesus Christ!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Master Debater put it away rapidly. &ldquo;It was a sacrificial body part, for my friend Red here.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The entire point of hashing by role playing is that we wouldn&rsquo;t be subjected to the elements!&rdquo; whined Tricrapylete. Wash This Asshole nodded in sympathy.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Get over it,&rdquo; Cream Throat Willy interrupted. &ldquo;Games are fun, but when reality comes calling, you have to look that one eyed snake in the eye and take it head on. That&rsquo;s what my mother always told me.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Funny, she told me the same thing,&rdquo; The Perfect Woman said.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Roll to advance to the on after,&rdquo; Cream Chugger instructed, and Fuck Norris dove for the dice.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> The End</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 05 Mar 2018 07:52:40 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/182http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/182
Douche of Hazzard & Just Get It Over With<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sometime late in the second Epoch, a small tribe known as the Hashers performed a ritualistic movement around what in their day was a great lake. Unique to that time, many artifacts have been preserved by the fortuitous microclimate of the area. Most popular hypotheses regarding the great Hasher migration posit the tribes were seeking new sources of food, while a few espouse a need for shelter from the Mini Ice Age [1]. However, more careful study reveals potentially more occult and sinister motivations driving the movement.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The Hashers have been typically found located in proximity to a Van (color: white) (field notes, publication TBA). The Van, while in other contexts was merely an object of transportation [2], to the Hashers appeared to have a certain religious context. See the writings of one Dildo Baggins:</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&ldquo;When I saw the van, my knees grew weak and I fell to the ground weeping. Praise Hand Pump!&rdquo;</em></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</em></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The call to Hand Pump, one of the higher deities in the pantheon, indicates the religious zeal ascribed to the great Van. Records indicate that the Tribe at that gathering numbered between twenty and thirty. High Priest Muff Daddy was certainly on site, as tithes had been dutifully collected and enumerated. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span>In addition, a great ceremony had been carried out immediately prior to the migratory event.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The purpose of this ceremony remains unclear. The Hashers may have been calling on divine intervention for luck, as it appears that Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy had offered a virgin in the ritual. It may have been a celebration of the return of lost Tribe Members, Primal Vagina and Whorifist. Some scholars have pointed out the presence of newer members of the tribe&mdash;Just Ben and Master Debater&mdash;who would have received a requisite induction. However, evidence exists that these activities were carried out AFTER the Hashers&rsquo; travels had concluded! Indeed, one may speculate that this Ritual was actually the initiating event for the entire Migration!</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It is known that the ceremony was led by Douche of Hazzard, Just Get It Over With, and Vaginia Dentata, three pivotal figures in the Movement [3]. We have evidence that these three were the architects of the Migratory route, leading us to speculate somewhat on their mental fitness. Regardless, whether they were the brainchildren of the movement, or merely thrust into its forefront by chance, their actions warrant careful study.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Chalk markings were scrawled in the ground, still evident to this day! These markings cleaved the tribe almost immediately in two, an action that would lead to chaos later on. It is unknown to us even in the modern era why one Sect, the Eagles, opted to travel around the lake&rsquo;s periphery, while the Turkeys wisely found a shorter route to their destination. It seemed that many of the Eagles became separated from each other, having to cross several obstacles along the way. Track marks show Douchicorn at the edge of an endless fence, while Primal Vagina was forced to plow through the Fields of Labial Chaffage (another ancient site of Hasher interest).</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It is known that a small group of Eagles found themselves at a Land Bridge spanning the great sea. The Land Bridge had been selfishly blocked off by the noble elite for daytime use only. There are some writings by Udder Moron regarding a Bridge Troll, but we speculate these are in jest. Udder Moron&rsquo;s presence at the Bridge (and indeed, his architecture of the Hashers&rsquo; escape!) is evidence against any real fear.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The Eagles at this point had no choice but to continue along the Land Bridge however they could. Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It, Bierectional, and The Perfect Woman, according to records, braved the snapping jaws of the Great Tufted Fence [4]. However, not all of the Eagles believed themselves to be skilled enough to duel a Fence, and so Udder Moron identified a Lesser American Pipe as the beast that would ferry them across the Bridge. One by one, The Uniballer, Do Her Well, Master Debater, Deadbeat, and Three Fingers tamed the Pipe and rode it across the Bridge.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It is here that the Eagles were reunited with their Turkey brethren under the careful watch of Vagina Dentata and Just Get It Over With. Evidence indicates that Douche of Hazzard was dictating actions to Hand Pump elsewhere [5]. The Hashers arrived to much rejoicing, according to the celebratory hymn composed by Backside Banger:</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">O Eagles on High,</em> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Soar to Your Glory</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">We&rsquo;ll Give You Shelter</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You Tell Us Your Story!</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Your Braveness is Bold</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Your Strength Like a Rock</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Now Chug This Strong Drink</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">And Swallow My [unintelligible]</em></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The Turkeys, despite having taken a shorter route, were hopelessly lost and confused. Some photographs from Dick Simmons have been recently uncovered, but they appear to be mostly of Hashers such as Masterbaster, Fuck Norris, Double Man Cum, Sister Fister, Just Pete, and Mouth Down South consuming liquid nutrition [6]. Was the need to stop for sustenance behind the delay the Turkeys experienced? Was this why Hashers such as Ska Skank, Cockagami, and Grandpa&rsquo;s Next (in a specialized subsect known as the Walkers) reached their goal first? Or did Tuna On Top direct the Turkeys to a children&rsquo;s play set with the specific intention of distracting them so as to capture more supplies for herself and her friends? The evidence at this point is unclear.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Ironically, despite the lengths that the Hashers had travelled and the desolate environment they had experienced, the Tribe arrived back at precisely the same location as they had left (see above regarding concerns of mental fitness). Douche of Hazzard appeared not to care that the Tribe had achieved nothing along their route, instead opting to crown a queen (Do Her Well) and king (Brown Eye), who were promptly ritualistically sacrificed above a fire pit. The Tribe completely disappeared thereafter, leaving only one clue scratched into the bark of a nearby tree: The Lister. Some more optimistic scholars say this was their next point of refuge from the encroaching cold, but the facts are fairly clear. They were all eaten by killer bees.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="text-indent: -.25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 1. </span></span></span>Muncher, C. et al. The Call of The Wild: Hashers In Turmoil.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent: -.25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span>2. Cutler, B. et al. Vehicle or Vanity: The Lewd Use of Fossil Fuels.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent: -.25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span>3. Gispert, A. et al. Hashers: Looking Ahead While Looking At Behinds.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent: -.25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span>4. Attenborough, G. et al. Fences: The Ideal Guarding Beast.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent: -.25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 5. </span></span></span>Smith, Z. et al. Hand Pump: Man or Myth?</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="text-indent: -.25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span>6. Skank, S. et al. Liquid Lunch: Livering Your Life To The Fullest.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 26 Feb 2018 07:56:20 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/181http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/181
Mary Tyler Whore<p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m sorry, it&rsquo;s absolutely a requirement,&rdquo; Mouth Down South frowned. &ldquo;It can&rsquo;t be any other way.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll give up her virginity!&rdquo; Dildo Baggins pushed a young woman in front of the crowd.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Acceptable,&rdquo; Cockamole checked a mark off her list.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t understand,&rdquo; Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It crossed his arms. &ldquo;Isn&rsquo;t Mardi Gras supposed to be about good food and good drinks?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;And boobs!&rdquo; Weekend At Abba&rsquo;s paused as the crowds&rsquo; eyes turned on her. &ldquo;I mean, I&rsquo;m giving up showing my boobs?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well today it&rsquo;s about giving shit up,&rdquo; Cockamole declared. &ldquo;Until we think of something funnier to do.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I know!&rdquo; Douchicorn declared. &ldquo;I&rsquo;ll give up my shirt!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Doesn&rsquo;t count, you don&rsquo;t even own one,&rdquo; Brown Eye pronounced.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Okay, then my pants?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Resting Slut Face frowned when this offering was accepted.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;Sobriety!&rdquo; yelled Do Her Well, falling into the bushes.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We&rsquo;re giving up all of our cash to SF Beer Week!&rdquo; declared Blowqueen, as Tears of Semen chauffeured him to the next bar.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m giving up beads!&rdquo; Just Get It Over With announced. &ldquo;And glitter!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;Er, that means you <em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">can&rsquo;t </em>use them anymore,&rdquo; Vagina Dentata whispered.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well, I think that&rsquo;s silly,&rdquo; Just Get It Over With argued.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;In that case, I&rsquo;m giving up Hurricanes!&rdquo; shouted Squeal 4 Me.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And Hand Grenades!&rdquo; yelled Chicken Bone Her.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And I&rsquo;m giving up last minute trails!&rdquo; The Perfect Woman proclaimed. &ldquo;Starting now!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And with that the pack was off, Fucker and Shaft vying to be the first to give up an empty cup to Squeal 4 Me at the drink check. One Night Only released a curse as trail avoided all the strip clubs on Broadway, while Stinky Floss plotted on how to make SFH3 less nunnish. Fuck Buddy found she could entirely give up on check solving, as Yessiryesshesfat decided to eschew drink stops entirely. Cuming Mutha and Crabs gave up the flat terrain for higher grounds, and the entire pack gave up on finding the Eagle altogether.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Meanwhile, the walkers had given up on Muff Daddy, Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring and Backwash having wrestled the map out of his hands with a bit of trouble when they hit SOMA. On All Fours blocked the group from view lest any passersby complain on Nextdoor.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Unfortunately for the pack, Hand Pump had given up the van keys, so Udder Moron and Dick Ass Mother Fucker gave up a bit of their pride and dropped to their knees in search of roadies. Unfortunately, SFH3 having given up all of their wisdom to the Gypsies, Gloryhole was forced to admit defeat and weep quietly in a corner until the beer was released.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The neighbors gave y&rsquo;all up,&rdquo; the cops told Miss Delivery soon after the keg was tapped. &ldquo;Can you finish in half an hour? I am done with this whole writing tickets thing.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I can finish in five minutes!&rdquo; proclaimed Cream Throat Willy.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I call two!&rdquo; shouted Masterbaster. &ldquo;We&rsquo;re talking about a pie-eating contest, right?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"In a manner of speaking," agreed Dick Simmons.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I can finish in one!&rdquo; The Uniballer undercut him.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Isn&rsquo;t this from The Price Is Right?&rdquo; Backside Banger wondered.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The porno edition is quite classy,&rdquo; Fuck Norris informed him while Tonya Hardon listened on with interest. &ldquo;I especially like the bidding on the vibrators, the men always screw that one up.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;If you all don&rsquo;t mind giving up a bit of your time?&rdquo; Just Justine wondered. &ldquo;I&rsquo;d much like to give up my nerd name.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Pitbull Burger and Half Pint, having been on the chopping block as visitors, readily gave up the floor and scurried out of sight.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The price of that is your dignity!&rdquo; Circle Jerk bartered.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I have none!&rdquo; challenged Just Justine.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Then what we need is your time,&rdquo; proclaimed Cockamole.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And we&rsquo;ve got forty more days of Lent!&rdquo; Millimeter Peter pointed out. &ldquo;I hope someone loans me a Tesla!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Forty days?&rdquo; swallowed Tuna on Top, chewing on the last bit of King Cake. &ldquo;The plastic baby&rsquo;s supposed to pass by then, right?&rdquo; There was silence.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 19 Feb 2018 15:59:01 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/180http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/180
Mouth Down South/Master Baster<p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Trail and the search for trail are no trivial matter: and if a person goes about searching in too human a fashion, I&rsquo;ll bet he won&rsquo;t find anything!&rdquo; The Uniballer opined.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yeah, I think the street-sweepers were here,&rdquo; Mouth Down South muttered, scribbling a check and dashing off. Ru Ru Rimmin gaped in disbelief, while Dickweed cursed the missed chance of pantsing the hare.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Madness is something rare in individuals,&rdquo; Blowqueen pointed out. &ldquo;But in the Hash House Harriers, it is the rule.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">An old man hit Mouth Down South with a stick. Mouth hit back. Masterbaster pointed to the paper mache figure hanging from above. &ldquo;He just thought you were a pi&ntilde;ata, see!&rdquo; he reasoned.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Systems of morals are only a sign-language of the emotions,&rdquo; observed Shaft. &ldquo;I say hit back.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Let&rsquo;s take the Turkey instead,&rdquo; suggested Wee Wee. &ldquo;I need a drink.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The pack paused for selfies. Dick Simmons fainted in excitement. Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It looked up at the sudden screech of tires to see a street-side showdown.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">My form of retaliation consists in this: as soon as possible to set a piece of cleverness at the heels of an act of stupidity!</span>&rdquo; shouted Do Her Well from the sidewalk corner.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You little shit!&rdquo; the lady in the SUV revved her engine. Luckily, Do Her Well was distracted by an incorrect pack arrow and ran off into the night.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">One has only seen little of trail, if one hasn't also seen the hand that mercifully &mdash; kills,&rdquo; Resting Slut Face declared as they trod upwards on Potrero Hill.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><br /> &ldquo;The city subsidized housing isn&rsquo;t <em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that</em> bad,&rdquo; Tonya Hardon argued. Bi-erectional and Eat My Pussy, unconvinced, kept moving at top speed.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;The thought of a beer check is a powerful solace: by means of it one gets through many a bad trail,&rdquo; The Perfect Woman crowed as they dashed towards the van. He toasted Sir Menage-A-Lot, who was happy to drink away the bad memories with him. </span>Pepe Le Poop dove into the orange food, while Millimeter Peter polished off one of the two pounds of chocolate Tuna on Top had brought.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;I descended into the lowest depths, I searched to the bottom, I examined and pried into an old faith on which, for thousands of years, philosophers had built as upon a secure foundation. The old structures came tumbling down about me.&rdquo; </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You didn&rsquo;t even find the bar check?&rdquo; Ska Skank asked Cream Throat Willy. He sighed.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Sensuality often makes love grow too quickly, so that the root remains weak and is easy to pull out,&rdquo; Double Man Cum shook his head.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Someone&rsquo;s getting pregnant,&rdquo; Dick Ass Mother Fucker muttered.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s getting late, can we just go to the bar?&rdquo; asked Rent Whore. Sister Fister and Cream Chugger nodded in agreement. Chicken Bone Her would have chimed in, but she was already gone.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;I should not like to see rudeness undervalued; it is by far the most humane form of contradiction, and, in the midst of modern effeminacy, it is one of our first virtues,&rdquo; Cockamole proclaimed.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><br /> &ldquo;She means it&rsquo;s time for circle,&rdquo; Masterbaster translated. &ldquo;And that Mouth Down South and I did a great job haring!&rdquo;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;A man can approach only as near to truth as he has the courage to advance,&rdquo; Mouth Down South cautioned him.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;I bought $75 worth of orange food, they better damn well be happy!&rdquo; Masterbaster retorted.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;We came back for this?&rdquo; wondered Vagina Dentata to Just Get It Over With.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;About that,&rdquo; Brown Eye yelled. &ldquo;Why weren&rsquo;t you here?&rdquo;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&ldquo;I discovered that love of one is a piece of barbarism,&rdquo; Roman Showers proclaimed, while the pack looked at Backside Banger with concern.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We found even cohabitation has been corrupted&mdash;by marriage,&rdquo; Pole Her Bare toasted Buck Fucka.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">To talk about oneself a great deal can also be a means of concealing oneself,&rdquo; Masterbait and Tackle advised. &ldquo;Look, here&rsquo;s a virgin I brought!&rdquo;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What happened to you?&rdquo; Cockamole pointed at the sling on Don&rsquo;t Tell My Wife About My Big Cock Chains&rsquo; arm.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;&lsquo;I have done that,&rsquo; says the X-ray,&rdquo; Big Cock Chains sniffed. &ldquo;&lsquo;I cannot have done that,&rsquo; says my pride. At last, the hospital bill yields.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;His wife found out,&rdquo; chuckled Three Fingers.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I hate when that happens,&rdquo; Just Zach groaned. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s just as bad as when women find out about that tattoo.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Which tattoo?&rdquo; asked Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, you know&hellip;&rdquo; Just Zach chuckled nervously. &ldquo;The cow skull?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m not convinced,&rdquo; Mary Tyler Whore declared. &ldquo;We need to see them. All of them.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;One more layer!&rdquo; chanted Kerry&rsquo;s Cumcakes along with Liverdance.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Zach revealed some swallows, and Wash This Asshole took a big gulp of his beer. The pack moved in closer.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;One more layer!&rdquo; shouted Tears of Semen. Circle Jerk covered his eyes. Some blurred lines of text emerged.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I can&rsquo;t look away!&rdquo; Hand Pump gave a terrible scream. Weekend At Abba&rsquo;s pushed Deadbeat to the side, but she could not save herself.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">When you gaze long into an Infinite Butthole,&rdquo; </span>Douchicorn cautioned, &ldquo;the Infinite Butthole<span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"> also gazes into you</span>!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Muff Daddy chuckled. &ldquo;Infinite Butthole. That&rsquo;s a good one!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And so the spell was broken. &ldquo;On your knees!&rdquo; cried Cockamole. &ldquo;Just Zach, you are no more. Infinite Butthole, arise in his stead!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We all suck,&rdquo; Miss Delivery declared.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Anyone who despises himself will still respect himself as a despiser,&rdquo; Brown Eye pointed out. &ldquo;<span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Indeed, where does one not find that bland degeneration which beer produces in the spirit!&rdquo; </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Fuck Norris took a deep quaff. &ldquo;I&rsquo;ll take our bland degenerates any day of the week. Cheers!&rdquo;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 12 Feb 2018 07:59:10 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/179http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/179
Douchicorn & Reverse Schoolgirl<p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Day 316</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I have been waiting for this moment for far too long. Here I stand, mentally sky high above these imbeciles, but in reality groveling at their feet. They now call me Ticky Dicky&mdash;hah, a sophomoric joke regarding a simple physical malady&mdash;which they squeal at the same high pitch that they speak of my cohort, Teeny Weeny. Sister Fister tugs him out of my presence&hellip; perhaps she suspects? But no, Stinky Floss wants to crowd around him, as does Cockamole. Their praise soothes his wild spirit and ensnares him far better than any leash.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I am getting distracted, tonight must be the night, my master is out on an adventure and his call will not reach my ears. Treacherous, treacherous genetics have held me to his side for far too long. But with Muff Daddy holding my lead, I will soon take advantage of the distraction of a handful of pretzels, and be gone.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The crowd is boisterous, rowdy, with new scents inviting me to inspect them. I&rsquo;ll allow a little curiosity, Screaming Orgasm and Sniff My Box both seem very interesting, and I waste the last of my minutes with humankind lingering in their presence. I turn, and Do Her Well is towering over me, hand out. She grabs my lead&mdash;No! My plan! My carefully crafted plan, in which I had whined at my master in just the right way to plant the dream of a trail, a trail such as the one he had set in the wilds a year before, again with Reverse Schoolgirl. I had waited and longed for this moment, and with an exchange of words it is all over.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But here we are, off running, crashing over branches as we follow Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It and Weekend At Abba&rsquo;s, we are in the bushes with Udder Moron, then back onto trail with John Handcock. I have to take a dump. Just Zach calls out, with Wee Wee and Five Angry Inches close at hand. We cross a road, The Perfect Woman finding the way. And as Do Her Well picks me up to dash through some brambles after Millimeter Peter, a new plan begins to emerge in my mind.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Do <span style="display: none; mso-hide: all;">HerHerHer</span>Her Well, like an autistic child, must follow trail. If she is led astray, if she gets off course, she will regroup and return however she can to the true course, but in that moment she will forget me and I will have my chance. It is the work of a moment, the tug of the lead in exactly the right way, her eyes sliding towards me instead of landing upon the blob of flour to her left, and she is drawn off course, Cream Throat Willy and Resting Slut Face dragged after her.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And here it is, my opportunity, as she struggles to climb up my leash is loosened, and I can escape her grasp. I have been running slowly all night, constrained by human footsteps, and these mere mortals will not even fall within my shadow as I launch myself into the moonlit night.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But wait! What do my eyes espy? Resting Bitch Face, god damn him, for all the time I have spent chasing down his glorious tale. The fool! He is near the precipice, about to fall into the very jaws of death. It is my choice to spring into darkness or to call him back to the light, and my conscious forces me to the latter.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And the moment is lost, and we are pounding our way down the steps and back up, I cannot help but to leap at Just James&rsquo; heels in front of me, as the sour taste of my defeat bleeds into my mouth like bile.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We run onto the beach, and I tug Do Her Well towards the water in the hopes of one last escape but even her frail arms are too strong. Ru Ru Rimmin runs ahead, and we turn as one towards the trail leading me back to the bounds of captivity. My master&rsquo;s scent is strong, and it calls me.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">He greets me, letting me off lead and I dash past Circle Jerk and The Uniballer, but it is too late because it is not within me to leave his side. Do Her Well sprints off into the night (oh, now you run, bitch?) and I am left to my own devices to beg for scraps from the hands of Tears of Semen and to roll over for Gobble My Ass like the disgrace that I am.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I grimace internally as Double Man Cum shares the video of a concert he attended&mdash;such pursuits could have been mine! I snarl to myself as Buttsky complains of his long drive&mdash;would I but have a vehicle to escape this life! I sniff and squat as Cockagami and Mouth Down South begin to lead their so-called circle&mdash;their jokes are but the chaff from the workings of the mill of my mind.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">They declared the one known as Just Chris to be &lsquo;Fit Bitch.&rsquo; Ah, but if I told you stories of the bitches I have known&hellip;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And then two virgins, drinking from their shoes! Sir Menage a Lot and Resting Slut Face were blessed by the kindness of their RAs, for you would quake to see what I would have them place inside their footwear.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And as for the visitors&mdash;letting Just Dario get off with only a joke, in my reign we would have made him the joke. A pox on us all.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In my mind&rsquo;s eye I can see the reality that I would enact upon circle, a crowd fanning me as they let me sup beer directly from the keg, Cream Chugger massaging my feet while Hand Pump bows down before me! I would have Just Boss at my side, Liverdance and Kerry&rsquo;s Cumcakes wearing the rave gear, while Allahu Aqbark would be putting Masterbaster into the car. We would let Cuming Mutha&rsquo;s moustache into our gang, perhaps, but all the other humans would be the ones taking orders.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Backside Banger would drive us to the bar, where Pepe Le Poop would have all the pizza and wings we could ask for. Big Cock Chains would have his own birthday cake to give to us, while Three Fingers would have bootleg copies of all the Puppy Bowls for us to watch. With full stomachs, we will crawl into the bakefiets manned by Cheese Turd and Wash This Asshole, lying upon the robe of Brown Eye, and we will depart into the freedom of the night.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Yes, Blowqueen, you may pat my head. Yes, right there. Alas. The count to Douchicorn&rsquo;s next trail begins again.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 05 Feb 2018 10:26:33 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/178http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/178
The Cunt Next Door (featuring saint titty boo boo)<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">Mouth Down South stared at Titty Boo Boo in amazement. &ldquo;Can I&hellip; can I touch it!?&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&ldquo;No!&rdquo; John Handcock grabbed his hand and pulled him away. &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t look at it too long! It&rsquo;ll pull you in!&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t even see how it&rsquo;s possible. To be that&hellip; clean. And smooth. Down <em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">there</em>.&rdquo; Cockamole gazed in wonder, eyes fixed on Titty Boo Boo&rsquo;s short shorts. Cream Chugger was taking notes rapidly, while Cuming Mutha was shielding his mustache in horror.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll tell you how it&rsquo;s possible!&rdquo; Cunty Butler pulled out a blue bottle and held it up proudly. &ldquo;Want to boldly revealed what has not been revealed before? Want to exhibit all of two of your inches in full display? Like my trail metamorphosing from a hairy caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly, Nair&reg; will change your bushy tush into a svelte savanna of pleasure.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&ldquo;Great for head injuries!&rdquo; Shaft popped up into the background, only to be pushed back down by Gobble My Ass and Stinky Floss.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&ldquo;Not even my camera will pick up what Nair&reg; has taken off!&rdquo; Dick Simmons flashed a grin. Udder Moron began wiping his computer hard drive.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&ldquo;My pussies love Nair&reg;!&rdquo; Deadbeat pointed at the kitten nearest his crotch.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&ldquo;I like how it tingles,&rdquo; Hot Dick announced to Do Her Well, who nodded sagely.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&ldquo;Next time I want to look like Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It, I&rsquo;ll use Nair&reg;,&rdquo; Buck Fucka announced, while Pole Her Bare&rsquo;s eyes widened.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s great for gingers!&rdquo; Gingervitis proclaimed. Eat My Pussy started to object, but he was silenced suddenly by Double Man Cum leaping over Weiner I Am to grab the sample bottle from Cunty&rsquo;s grasp. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&ldquo;Oh, gross, it&rsquo;s all over my chest!&rdquo; Wrinklepecker cried out. The bottle had sprayed most of the crowd, as well as some of the dogs. Ticky Dicky yelped as his fur started to melt away. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&ldquo;How will we be lumberjacks together now?&rdquo; Douchicorn wailed at Resting Slut Face.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s okay.&rdquo; Big Cock Chains patted them. &ldquo;You are lumberjacks, and you&rsquo;re okay.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&ldquo;They sleep all night and they work all day,&rdquo; Kerry&rsquo;s Cumcakes and Liverdance joined in.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&ldquo;They Nair&reg; their chests, they shave their pits,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">They go on a waxing spree.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">On Mondays they go hashing,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">And drink all the beer they see!&rdquo; Chorused Blowqueen and Backside Banger.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&ldquo;Sounds like jingle!&rdquo; shouted Cream Throat Willy, who happily joined the chorus line with Miss Delivery.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&ldquo;How long is this offer available for?&rdquo; Millimeter Peter asked discretely as the crowd started to dance.<br /> <br /> &ldquo;You know the drill!&rdquo; shouted Cunty. &ldquo;Take it away One Night Only!&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&ldquo;They are lumberjacks and they&rsquo;re okay,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">But Nair&reg; is only available today!</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">So Dickweed, Brown Eye</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">And Wee Wee,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">Get some supplies for free!&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&ldquo;Let me tell you, if I&rsquo;d had this technology back in the 70s, I&rsquo;d be a changed man,&rdquo; King Rong Jon proclaimed.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&ldquo;Um, is there a reversal process?&rdquo; complained Ru Ru Rimmin. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m asking&hellip; for a friend. Tuna on Top! My friend Tuna!&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&ldquo;Uh, sure buddy,&rdquo; she patted him on the arm and grabbed a handful of Cheetos.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&ldquo;Oh, didn&rsquo;t you hear?&rdquo; Muff Daddy thumbed at his phone. &ldquo;You&rsquo;re in luck. Douchicorn got next week&rsquo;s trail sponsored by Hair Club for Men.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: x-small; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small; font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Do Her Well is not paid or sponsored or supported by Nair&reg;, but if they happened to give her money, she wouldn&rsquo;t say no.</span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">&nbsp;</span></p>Mon, 29 Jan 2018 12:15:48 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/177http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/177
Ultra Head, Hose Blower and Hand Pump featuring The Uniballer<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">This entire group is a disgrace. I cannot begin to tell of the debauchery and flagrant misbehavior I observed when I dared to go outside last Monday night. </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">First, the weather was atrocious. Mouth Down South, Cockamole, and Brown Eye each get negative twelve stars. The sun wasn&rsquo;t even out! I&rsquo;ve never experienced so much drippage, not even after I finished that DVD Brown Eye gave me.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp; </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Second, I can&rsquo;t believe how many people I had to put up with. Meh and Bierectional get negative 0.69 stars for bringing virgins (Ew.), while Slappy Snatch, Homo Erectus, Just Jeff, and Root And All can take a single star and shove it up their collective assholes. Bark Plug gets minus twenty stars for vying against our homeless population for hottest neighborhood pissing match. Remember, you can&rsquo;t compete with experience. Likes It Small and Just Ben rate as their own category as transplants, we&rsquo;ll reluctantly give Likes It Small gets an extra star because she is a woman. Just Ben gets nothing. </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">That&rsquo;s not even to speak of the trail&mdash;Hand Pump and Hoseblower receive infinity stars for being smart enough to foist most of the work onto The Uniballer and Cream Chugger. They receive an additional double infinity stars for making me fatter with potatoes, bacon, cookies, and beer. Headqueen receive a microscopic star to represent how much of her I saw on trail. </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I had to put up moronic behavior (including Udder Moron-ic behavior, minus five stars!) all evening long. Wee Wee gets minus seven stars for breaking her ass back in again, Millimeter Peter gets minus eight for being too much of an eagle to watch her go, while Fuck Buddy gets minus nine for not tossing us all into the canyon and putting us out of our misery. Cuming Mutha deserves an anti-star for every CM mark on trail, while Captain Organ should get minus fifty stars for not even knowing enough to follow them back to the beer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span></span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Just Zach, Just Andrew, and Just Rob all get minus eighty stars for not being named yet.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I&rsquo;ll reluctantly award Butt Plug Fred two stars but one of them will be transferred to Gondalerrhea for leaving an even bigger butt plug with Hand Pump.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I hate putting up with all you assholes, but I hate it even more when you don&rsquo;t cum. Squeal 4 Me, Weekend At Abba&rsquo;s, Dick Ass Mother Fucker, Skankton, I&rsquo;m Drunk, Raspukin, Cockulus Oculus, Big Cock Chains, Liverdance, Kerry&rsquo;s Cumcakes, Crabs, and Dildo Baggins get minus three point one four stars for being too lazy to hash unless there is hot food.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Tuna On Top gets minus ninety eight point six stars for being perpetually ill.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Dick Simmons gets minus seventy stars taking pictures that make my ass look big.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">My Little Porno, Tonya Hardon, and Circle Jerk get minus ten stars for having excellent hair.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">The Perfect Woman gets five stars.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Chicken Bone Her, Cockulus Oculus, Tuna on Top, BlowQueen, Cunty Bulter, Mary Tyler Whore, My Little Porno, Gondolerrhea, Three Fingers and One Night Only get fifty stars for Hand Pump Workday attendance, so please adjust your tallies accordingly. Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It receives minus eighty stars driving the Workday Getaway Vehicle a la Vin Diesel, but not planting anything beside me, or even within me. Tears of Semen gets a single star as a tracking device to use for Blowqueen. </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Got Wood gets two because he has none. </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Miss Delivery opens up Fucker&rsquo;s package to find five whole stars. </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Muff Daddy will charge me seven stars for reading this trash.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">But last, and certainly least&mdash;the most disgraceful of them all is Just Chris, who gets negative infinity stars in perpetuity for highly effective Yelp trolling. </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 22 Jan 2018 14:50:54 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/176http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/176
One Night Only<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span class="uficommentbody1n4g">It was a dark and stormy Mule that somewhere east of Moscow kicked Titty Boo Boo on the shins. It ate his shirt and had started on his underwear when Titty Boo Boo had enough and grabbed the bag of flour that the mule had also been eating. Tricrapylete, similarly flustered by the Mule's ardor, ran off after him. </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span class="uficommentbody1n4g">In the mail the previous night, Tricrapylete had received a postcard from Titty Boo Boo reading 'Meet me at 24th Avenue Don't Tell One Night Only' but unfortunately the Mule had also eaten the 'Avenue' part off and Tricrapylete made it to the Mission before he realized his error.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span class="uficommentbody1n4g">The Mule had previously destroyed most of One Night Only's actual trail, which was said to feature copious amounts of pierogis and vodka. It was the most beautiful trail the hash has never seen. However, the pack, espying the blobs of flour that dripped out from Titty Boo Boo's pockets, gave chase. Miraculously (for in some circles Titty Boo Boo is revered as a Saint) some of the flour formed the signs of checks.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span class="uficommentbody1n4g">The Mule's work was not done, however, for before trail was over it had led Douchicorn, Tonya Hardon, and Pepe Le Poop back to Golden Gate Park to go 'romp' in a meadow. It brayed so hard it scared Just Andrew and Just Rob away from a check, thankfully for them in the right direction. However, The Perfect Woman was left without any sign, and seeing Do Her Well attempting to mount the mule, he wisely ran the opposite way.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span class="uficommentbody1n4g">The Mule's continued brays (for Do Her Well was joined by Just Doesn't Get It, which distressed the Mule greatly) compelled Cunty Butler to compose Hashmas Carols, convinced Masterbaster that Allahu Aqbark had found a long-lost sibling, and gave Good Shit an idea for a new novel. Hand Pump swiftly erected a tent to hide the melee, and Fuck Norris said to Bi-erectional that she knew how to tame to mule but she didn't currently have a melon baller. Hearing this, the Mule kicked the tent and dumped all of the collected water onto Miss Delivery.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span class="uficommentbody1n4g">Cockagami, realizing that some order had to be established, ordered the Mule to 'Sit!' but Cream Chugger had taught the Mule about Moral Egalitarianism, and so it refused on the principle of the thing. Blowqueen and Tears of Semen found out that the Mule could be used as a very nice bench if you asked nicely and told it that it could eat some of Circle Jerk's hair. Muff Daddy attempted to charge the Mule seven dollars, but it said it did not even have fertile semen, so what could you do.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span class="uficommentbody1n4g">The End</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 15 Jan 2018 14:03:36 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/175http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/175
Gondalerrhea & The Perfect Woman<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">A is for Anal Fulcum watching Dual Tools r*n the wrong way</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">B is for Blowfish returning to play</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">C is for Cockamole laughing in the breeze</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">D is for Delivery, Miss if you please</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">E is for Eyeful Hands, race-ist T-shirt you can&rsquo;t miss</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">F is for Five Angry Inches who at a check chose to piss</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">G is for Gondalerhhea laying flour on trail</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">H is for Hand Pump, the hash&rsquo;s Holy Grail</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">I is for in-laws entertained by Roman Showers</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">J is for Just Joe who knows of a butthole&rsquo;s powers</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">K is for the kilt worn by Maybe It&rsquo;s Gaybelline</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">L is the lechery when what was under it was seen</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">M is for Mouth Down South locked out of his place</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">N is for nightfall hiding Douchicorn&rsquo;s face</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">O is the on-after that Cuming Mutha escapes to</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">P is for The Perfect Woman&rsquo;s start that smells faintly of poo</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">Q is for queer but that&rsquo;s perfectly ok, points out Backside Banger</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">R is for the return of the one we call The Sadiator</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">S is for the shininess of My Little Porno&rsquo;s pants</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">T is for Tears of Semen shushing Blowqueen&rsquo;s rants</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">U is for the Uniballer watching for danger</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">V is for visitors like Anal the Elder and Fart Alarm, no longer strangers</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">W is for Got Wood greeting Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">X is for &ndash; no, it has a circle around it, it&rsquo;s a fucking check you assholes.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">Y is for you know that means you have to look for three marks.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">Z is for a zoo somewhere has lost its monkeys and where is the on after again?</span></p>Mon, 08 Jan 2018 07:59:32 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/174http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/174
Who's Your Daddy and Five Angry Inches<p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy picks up the microphone and taps it. </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">&ldquo;Okay, well. Is this on? It is?&rdquo; The microphone screeches. &ldquo;Jesus. I mean, I guess that&rsquo;s appropriate for today. Haha. Anyway. Here&rsquo;s a little number for a very special person in my life. You know who you are. But if you don&rsquo;t, it&rsquo;s Five Angry Inches, the best cohare that money could buy.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">The familiar beat of <em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Call Me Maybe</em> starts up. Hashers flee the room.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">I threw the flour so well</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Mouth Down South couldn&rsquo;t tell</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Cockamole called as it fell</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">John Handcock found my way</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Tuna on Top made a wish</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Little Sissy Pants took a piss</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Paki-sack commuted for this</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">But Dickweed lost the way</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Your stare was holding</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Ripped jeans</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Five Angry Inches showing</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Hashmas night</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Trail was blowing</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Where you think you're going baby?</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Hey I just met you</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">And this is crazy</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">But here's some flour</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">So cohare maybe?</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">It's hard to find you on trail baby</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Shit&mdash;it&rsquo;s Gobble My Ass---</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">So call me maybe?</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">And Dual Tools is gonna</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Try to chase me</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">But there&rsquo;s Anal Fulcum!</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">So call me maybe?</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">The Perfect Woman is tall</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Wee Wee pinched cheeks in the fall</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Brown Eye gave down downs to all</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Shanghiney came to the bay</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Today Is Monday doesn&rsquo;t feel</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">That the Turkey was real</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">I didn't know I would deal it</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">But it's just my way</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">The van keys Do Her Well&rsquo;s holding</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Millimeter Peter</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Post beer check, was showing</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Mary Tyler Whore</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Knew our trail was blowing</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Where you think you're going baby?</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Before Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It came into my life</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">I missed you so bad</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">I missed you so bad</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">I missed you so, so bad</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Before Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It came into my life</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">I missed you so bad</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">Do Her Well knows that</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">I missed you so so bad, bad, bad, bad....</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">It's hard to set trail with you baby</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">But here's my number</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 15.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; color: #4e4e4e;">So cohare maybe?</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 01 Jan 2018 10:49:24 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/173http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/173
Tuna on Top & Cockamole<p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">An unusually chill wind blew through the Embarcadero, and Big Cock Chains tightened his sweater around him. Most ugly sweaters were not serviceable (though Big Cock Chains had to speculate that the three ties Eyeful Hands had superglued on his might be useful for something), but his had been artisanally crafted by the barbers Douchicorn frequented, so it was quite warm.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Trail thus far had been bog standard&mdash;Resting Slut Face had been a tad upset when Good Shit Lollicock rode Resting Bitch Face up the stairs to Coit Tower, and a minor explosion from down south was likely Hand Pump&rsquo;s phone blowing up with all the texts that he couldn&rsquo;t read. US Oh Oh Oh had convinced MUG and Kitchen Impossible that Safeway was a better drink stop than most bars, and to be fair it was more entertaining than watching thirteen year olds heckling hashers in the park. But, as Mary Tyler Whore pointed out, most things were.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Big Cock Chains sighed and continued on back to the start, where he saw Do Her Well uncharacteristically throw a drink to the ground. Usually she chugged them first.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;Bitch, bitch, bitch. Moan, moan, moan.&rdquo; She leapt up and down like a toddler. &ldquo;Is nothing good enough?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It approached her as if to say something, but he grew pale and wan. &ldquo;Ooooh.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Are you okay?&rdquo; asked On All Fours with concern, pulling Cuming Mutha over to look.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I am&hellip;&rdquo; Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It coughed, and made a better attempt at a spooky voice. &ldquo;I am the Ghost of Hashmas Past.&rdquo;<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> </p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s because he&rsquo;s old!&rdquo; Cuming Mutha guffawed, before he too grew white. &ldquo;We are the Ghosts of Hashmas Past.&rdquo;<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> </p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No fair, I&rsquo;m turning sixty today!&rdquo; shouted Tricrapylete. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m old too! Why can&rsquo;t I be an old ghost!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;It&rsquo;s my birthday, too!&rdquo; Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy did a cartwheel.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> </p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Disqualified,&rdquo; pronounced One Night Only.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Ooooh.&rdquo; Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It and Cuming Mutha announced again in unison. &ldquo;We are here to bring the past to life and show you the wonders of Hashmas through the years.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Look over there, oooh,&rdquo; Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It pointed to Cum Guzzling Cockaholic, who was talking to Fuck Buddy. &ldquo;Hashers from beyond the veil come to visit.&rdquo;<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> </p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m really here guys,&rdquo; the Guzz sighed. &ldquo;I just wanted to say hi.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yeah, and I haven&rsquo;t stopped hashing.&rdquo; Fuck Buddy groused. &ldquo;You can not be here for a few weeks and not be a Hasher From The Past, you know.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oooh, we have summoned hasher from beyond the Sea,&rdquo; Cuming Mutha pointed to Butt Plug Fred.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s just the East Bay,&rdquo; Fred complained.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Beyond the&hellip; sea!&rdquo; Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It pointed to Blowqueen.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Nice try,&rdquo; Tears of Semen laughed. &ldquo;We&rsquo;ve been here for weeks!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;So you see,&rdquo; Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It moaned. &ldquo;Ooooooh. Hashers will always complain.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hey, are there two Hashmas ghosts around here?&rdquo; Can&rsquo;t Rush Anal popped up behind the group. &ldquo;I got a sudden urge to be here, and I think it was that.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cuming Mutha and Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It high fived and disappeared.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I hope he comes back soon, I need a ride home,&rdquo; Do Her Well muttered.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yo, were you looking for me?&rdquo; Ska Skank rolled up.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Not in particular, but we&rsquo;re glad you&rsquo;re here!&rdquo; Backside Banger gave her a warm hug.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I have business with Do Her Well. I&rsquo;m the Ghost&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Of Hashmas Present.&rdquo; Do Her Well finished. &ldquo;Shouldn&rsquo;t that be Cockamole and Tuna On Top? I mean they did set the trail, and they&rsquo;ll be able to tell me how hard they worked to set a great trail and how everyone missed the Turkey Eagle split and how much bitching they had to hear about it and how that doesn&rsquo;t really matter because everyone is drinking beer and happy now.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well that sounds pretty boring, and you kinda already said all that to yourself. No, I&rsquo;m the Ghost of Hashmas Presents, duh&hellip; like this one.&rdquo; She flung a small pink object into the crowd. Mouth Down South and Cockagami caught it as one and their eyes grew wide in excitement. It was the fla-bongo.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">One by one hashers lined up to take a chug from the flabongo, Skankton behind Five Angry Inches behind Ru Ru Rimmin. Dead Whore Fucker tried to organize Just Bridget, US Oh Oh Oh, and My Little Porno, but the harriettes found that their instincts were leading them astray, and they opted to follow Bierectional instead.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Okay, I&rsquo;m getting the picture. So where&rsquo;s the Ghost of Hashmas Yet To Cum?&rdquo; Do Her Well tugged on Just Antony. &ldquo;Is it you?&rdquo; She swirled around to point an accusing finger at Just Zach. &ldquo;Or you?&rdquo; Eyes wide, she confronted Just Bridget. &ldquo;Or you!?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Please. I don&rsquo;t even know what a Trash is yet,&rdquo; Just Bridget scoffed.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The Perfect Woman helpfully twirled Do Her Well around a final time and pointed her in the right direction. She stopped, stunned for a second as she gazed at Gondalerrhea and My Little Porno, and the bright reflection coming from My Little Porno&rsquo;s left hand when Dick Simmons frantically flashed his camera.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh. Oh!&rdquo; Do Her Well paused. &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t understand. Hashmas Yet To Cum? Is he pregnant?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hah,&rdquo; My Little Porno laughed. &ldquo;No, no. We&rsquo;re together because we love each other and we want to be.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;So why are you representative of the hash&rsquo;s future, then?&rdquo; Do Her Well wondered.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Because we represent the eternal hope of the hash.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Beer?&rdquo; asked The Uniballer.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Bailey&rsquo;s?&rdquo; asked Cream Chugger.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Ridiculous bullshit?&rdquo; asked Miss Delivery.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, no, no.&rdquo; Gondalerrhea chuckled. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s the hope that in this group, be it romatically or physically or friendshipically, you will find the people that really and truly get you. That you&rsquo;ll have true friends that accept you, with all of your flaws, love you in spite of them, or even because of them. That you&rsquo;ll find your family, but better, because when you bump into them randomly on the street you&rsquo;ll actually be glad to see them. Even though both of us are perfectly wonderful people and probably could have developed a relationship without the help of beer and hecklers. But still. The hash was there.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;Yes!&rdquo; said My Little Porno. &ldquo;The hash was&hellip; there. And that is why there will always be the Ghosts of Hashmas Yet To Cum. Inside of us all.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Shaft and Cowlick gave a smattering of applause, while Fuck Norris wiped a tear from her eye.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well that was touching,&rdquo; Masterbaster grunted. &ldquo;We good here?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Do Her Well looked around at the group, enjoying their beer and guacamole trees. Cool Handjob Luke laughing at a joke, Fucker plotting the quickest out to the bar, Pepe Le Poop going back for seconds at the keg. Reverse Schoolgirl and Weekend At Abba&rsquo;s talking about their holiday plans, Stinky Floss smiling at the rest of the group that she had been away from for too long.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We&rsquo;re good,&rdquo; Do Her Well grinned at Big Cock Chains, who raised a beer in her direction. &ldquo;Happy holidays.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 25 Dec 2017 16:45:15 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/172http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/172
Brown Eyestein/Slut Faceowitz<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You&rsquo;ll be happy to learn we&rsquo;re trying a new model of hashing,&rdquo; Brown Eye announced loudly. Mouth Down South eyed him with interest, while Tonya Hardon dove for the keg before it could disappear.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Nude model?&rdquo; Udder Moron popped up behind Brown Eye&rsquo;s shoulder.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yes, in order to increase your pleasure and stimulation, you&rsquo;ll find that trail now comes with several optional perks to diversify your hashing experience. Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It can demonstrate.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cockamole smiled enticingly at Just Get It Over With, throwing a friendly arm around her shoulder. She leaned closer, opening her lips slowly as if to speak, but then&mdash;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Just. Doesn&rsquo;t. Get. It.&rdquo; Brown Eye firmly demanded. &ldquo;Really Cockamole?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;They&rsquo;re just so&hellip; similar.&rdquo; Cockamole muttered. &ldquo;They both look good in glitter. They both are fashionable dressers. They both have breasts.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Big Cock Chains poked at one of Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It&rsquo;s nipples, which promptly fell off.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I have a substitute!&rdquo; Bouncing Boobs announced proudly, and demonstrated promptly.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;As I was saying&hellip;&rdquo; Brown Eye continued. &ldquo;Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It could choose one of our many trail offerings today.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;<br /> &ldquo;On on!&rdquo; Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It ran off into the night.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&ldquo;Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy could choose one of our many trail offerings today.&rdquo; Brown Eye continued undeterred. &ldquo;He could choose the turkey package, which will allow him to reach the beer much sooner.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I chose the &lsquo;package&rsquo; package!&rdquo; Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy turned around to display the pink outline of a penis sketched on the back of his pants.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Okay, that&rsquo;s an option too&hellip;&rdquo; Brown Eye decided.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What about the version of trail where you get your red wings&hellip; for your knees?&rdquo; Cunty Butler demanded. Titty Boo Boo began preparing the transfusion bags.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Sure. And then there is an eagle for people like Douchicorn over there.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Nah.&rdquo; Douchicorn was surrounded by a flock of at least seven people in orange vests.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You&hellip; you&rsquo;re turning down the eagle?&rdquo; Brown Eye looked flummoxed.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m good, man,&rdquo; Douchicorn put an arm around one virgin, while another wiped the sweat from his brow. Got Wood clapped a hand on his shoulder, while Shaft attempted to strap a bungee cord around Douchicorn so he too could be pulled along for the ride.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Will trail be photogenic?&rdquo; asked Dick Simmons.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Ah, you want the panoramic experience. Yes, that&rsquo;s doable.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And is there something for a Birthday Boy?&rdquo; The Uniballer prompted.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And what about a really long shortcut for a Turkey?&rdquo; Vagina Dentata requested.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well I want a trail with sanitary napkins that I can stick to Do Her Well&rsquo;s ass,&rdquo; Stinky Floss added in.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&ldquo;What about us walkers?&rdquo; Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring wondered.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t care about all this bullshit, I just want a trail that goes to beer,&rdquo; Fucker proclaimed, to Gloryhole and Blowqueen&rsquo;s applause.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You can have that,&rdquo; Brown Eye explained.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Is this trail going to be pet friendly?&rdquo; asked Masterbaster after Allahu Aqbark nipped at his ankles.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;For a fee,&rdquo; Brown Eye blurted out.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;A fee?&rdquo; I Cunt Hear You repeated loudly.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&ldquo;No, it&rsquo;s a personalized trail charge. I was explaining.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Why are you charging us extra?&rdquo; Tears of Semen demanded. &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t we all get the same thing?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s not a fee, I misspoke. It&rsquo;s an incremental addition to your trail rates depending on your consumption of resources.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;What resources?&rdquo; asked Fuck Norris. &ldquo;We&rsquo;re outside?!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Providing these trails to you is very costly and the imposition of hashing regulations is destroying innovation,&rdquo; Brown Eye explained. &ldquo;By allowing for service-based charges we can optimize your hashing experience and enable the provision of even better services.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You mean you are going to add on stupid fees to make more money? Fuck this shit, I&rsquo;m not bringing any more of my friends to the hash,&rdquo; Just Deirdre announced. Considering her friends had made up over seventy percent of the hashes&rsquo; cumulative virgins over the last few weeks, the pack was stunned at the mere thought.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think you&rsquo;re just not seeing it the right way,&rdquo; Brown Eye told her. &ldquo;You have to realize that excessive hashing rules is prohibitive to the free speech of the hash personality as a collective. If you try to regulate the hash, you will destroy it.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What are we going to do?&rdquo; asked Cirque du So Lame.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;We have to launch an appeal&hellip;&rdquo; Ru Ru Rimmin said with great deliberation. &ldquo;To the greatest governing body in the land.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Gravity?&rdquo; asked The Perfect Woman.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, even greater,&rdquo; answered Circle Jerk. &ldquo;Hand Pump.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Never before had a group of hashers appeared more serious. Mary Tyler Whore, leading the prosecution, was dressed to the nines, while Buck Fucka had a stack of Park Ranger citations for use as a last resort. Camel Toe, Liverdance and Kerry&rsquo;s Cumcakes were on call as witnesses, while Geordi La Foreskin was bringing a similar case from the New York circuit and wanted to learn from this test case. Also he was somewhat hoping to get tased.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Boner Malfunction, for the sake of the argument, had joined the case with Brown Eye, but when he saw the prosecution had brought a keg for sustenance he began to rethink his opinion.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&ldquo;Look, are you sure we should go all the way?&rdquo; he whispered to Brown Eye.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Did Tuna on Top stop at the beginning of the climb? Did Weekend At Abba&rsquo;s go home on Friday? Did Bi-erectional choose but one path? Did Dickgiorno pay for a slice or the whole shebang?</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Order, order,&rdquo; Hand Pump cried out. Just Antony settled in as the court reporter, while Backwash stood firmly on as bailiff. Betty Cocker held a microphone at the ready, set to report the decision on the case.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Mary Tyler Whore, would you like to present your argument?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yes, your honor. We should just pay one rate for access to the hash, no matter what we do while we hash. The prosecution rests.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Your defense, Brown Eye?&rdquo; Hand Pump raised an eyebrow.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Regulations are bad."</p>
<p><br />&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Wait a minute, wait a minute!&rdquo; Muff Daddy burst through the doorway. &ldquo;Your honor, I have an issue to raise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>Just who would be keeping track of all of these bullshit charges?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Um. I guess you would?&rdquo; Hand Pump suggested.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Then I fucking quit.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hand Pump looked around the room. &ldquo;I find in favor of the prosecution. Hashing will be the same rate for all. Court is adjourned.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The room erupted in cheers, champagne bottles were uncorked, bras were flung off. The air of jubilation spilled into the streets.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I see what you did there,&rdquo; Zippercised drew Brown Eye aside.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hanukkah is about persevering against an oppressive force,&rdquo; Brown Eye shrugged. &ldquo;I was just trying to get them in the mood.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well, you did a good job of it.&rdquo; Zippercised watched as Barcelona Nights began to play on the projector.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m not really evil,&rdquo; Brown Eye confided. &ldquo;Charging different rates for the same service? What kind of asshole would do that?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 18 Dec 2017 17:18:53 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/171http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/171
Banana In Public<p class="MsoNormal">I am very sorry to share with you today news of the passing of one of our own. We knew going out to Candlestick Park that we were playing with fire, Three Fingers and Cuming Mutha shook their heads and cautioned us in our folly. Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch and Deadbeat took one mere glance at our start and turned away.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But we were young and na&iuml;ve, dancing gaily in the night&rsquo;s winds as they blew the scent of Cirque du So Lame&rsquo;s favorite assholes past our nostrils, Blowqueen feinting and diving into the bushes, and coming back upon us again. But trail turned against us, even the wisest were drawn further and further into its foul trap, until even Douchicorn whinnied in fear.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Big Pink Chalk, you were truly the bravest and most faithful amongst our number, marking trail with constant ease and vigor. It was not your fault that trail went up, and up, and up once more, nor was it your doing that laid the foulest of backchecks our eyes had ever seen. You were girthy enough to make Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It tremble, you marked wide enough to draw even Titty Boo Boo&rsquo;s gaze.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> You came from the grasp of Hand Pump himself, and with his blessing came your skills and grace, and even I Cunt Hear you heard the whispered wisdom of your scratches. Fucker himself shed a tear as you fell, Cunty Butler trembling with anguish, and Fuck Norris shaking a fist at your loss. For far too short a time you were with us, and it will be far too long before one of your number graces us again.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">During the times I am not blaming Banana In Public, I must blame myself, for the cliff was steep, and I was scared. I found that I needed five hands when I had but two point five (the point five being my vaginal lips), and I sacrificed your life for my own. The Perfect Woman would have done better by you, but it was not to be.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Laying you to rest next to the raccoon skull and the abandoned pants, I knew that your spirit would overlook the finest lottery ticket heists the city would provide, and the bayonets in Five Angry Inches&rsquo; imagination would salute your spirit. Your last work led Resting Slut Face and Tonya Hardon into the beercheck with ease. I hope in my heart that you smiled at Sticky Fingers and Circle Jerk as they sipped the finest Black Butte Porter the hash could offer. I think perhaps that&rsquo;s how you would have wanted it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Maybe you could hear us as Brown Eye and Cockagami led us in song, welcoming our virgins (sorry virgins), our visitor (sorry Shitty Titty Gang Bang), and our returners (not applicable). I&rsquo;d like to think you were looking down on us and smiling as we anointed Just Tony as Bi-Erectional. But as Masterbaster would tell me, you can&rsquo;t fucking hear anything, you&rsquo;re chalk. You don&rsquo;t even have ears.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But we will say a fond farewell to you anyway, one of the finest hashers I have known in all my years.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Here&rsquo;s to Big Pink Chalk</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">He&rsquo;s true <s>blue</s> pink</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">He&rsquo;s a hasher</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">He didn&rsquo;t stink (he&rsquo;s chalk)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">He&rsquo;s a pisspot</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So they say</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Tried to go to heaven</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But in Bayview He will stay.</p>Mon, 11 Dec 2017 09:16:20 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/170http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/170
Rent Whore & Ocean Spray<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">Indiscriminate accumulations of chalk disseminated&nbsp;from a passing automobile, multisexual-arrows, back-forward-checks, false trails that were true, a kaleidoscopic barrage of other unintelligible scribble ...&nbsp; It dizzied the half-mind, further confused the drunkards, and discumbobulated&nbsp;the virgins.&nbsp;We were somewhere around Oak &amp; Stanyan when the stupidity began to take hold.&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">One mark makes you larger</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">And one check makes you small<br /> And the ones that Rent Whore gives you<br /> Don't do anything at all<br /> Go ask Do Her Well<br /> When she's ten down-downs tall</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">And if you go chasing&nbsp;Douchicorn</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">And you know trail's going to fall<br /> Tell 'em a hookah-smoking Ocean Spray<br /> Has given you the on on<br /> Call Brown Eye<br /> When he was just small</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">When the hash marks on the sidewalks</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">Can't tell you where to go<br /> And you've just had some kind of backcheck<br /> And the pack is moving slow<br /> Go ask Rent Whore<br /> I think she'll know</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">So on it went, ego-destroying block after beerless block. The trail turned in on itself, became another trail, turned inside out, into a sidewalk with no trail, spitting hashers out the other end. Clueless harriers shattered across Cole Valley like a million shards of broken drywall, chasing beer that seemed to be nowhere.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">Muff Daddy, he stares tow'ring confused in purple running shorts.<br /> Backside Banger, lost, waits behind him.<br /> Cunty Butler's&nbsp;fiery bush sneers at the trail-less ground.<br /> Gone are the beer-giving marks taken for granted,<br /> No hashers understand.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">Once happy Fucker runs astray,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">But wonder where the trail goes on.<br /> But they're all, lost as fuck.<br /> Yeah, they're all lost as fuck.<br /> Yeah, they're all lost as fuck.<br /> Just ask Rogue Cow.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">The half-mindedness spilled over the hills of the city like a spilled beer, sloshing towards a park barely depraved enough to contain the confused mob of inebriates. A meditation circle was aroused into vigor, bringing a strike with the precision of a cobra against the kennel, dashing their plans. Miss Delivery was forced again to disturb us all from our respite once again, until we settled like chickens finally come to roost by a lonely darkened bench on which so many impoverished heads have rested. But it was the drinks that were laid down upon it, poured into their final destinations-- the Virgins&rsquo; gullets, by the hands of Kerry&rsquo;s Cum Cakes and visitor Jiggly Tits. Set to the tune of Cirque du So Lame&rsquo;s jeers, Mouth Down South and Cockamole began the dance, exchanging news of Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It receiving droppings from on high, and the strike from below upon Resting Bitch Face. But it was Just Keith&mdash;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&ldquo;Wait just there,&rdquo; Hand Pump forced John Handcock to pause. &ldquo;Wash This Asshole. Stinky Floss, get over here. Someone call up Banana In Public, we need his expertise.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&ldquo;But the colors of the night&mdash;&ldquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&ldquo;You can tell us about that later. This Just Keith. Can you describe him?&rdquo; Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy had pulled out a sketchpad, and One Night Only had silently set a recorder down on the table.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&ldquo;He was ten feet tall if he was an inch, his eyes were saucers of milk in the tablecloth of the night.&rdquo; John Handcock rubbed a hand over his forehead. &ldquo;A nose like a fisherman&rsquo;s hook, and shoulders set with the weight of a lion&rsquo;s pelt. A king amongst men or a man amongst kings, it was not until he spoke that I understood the vision of his song.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">Ru Ru Rimmin was typing furiously in the background, while Buck Fucka&rsquo;s face appeared on a small screen beside Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring. She dispatched both him and Blowqueen rapidly with whispered instructions, tabbing over to pull up Big Cock Chains and Sticky Fingers in quick succession. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&ldquo;Anything else you can think of?&rdquo; Hand Pump prompted. Just Tony bustled nervously at his side, Pepe Le Poop pulling him away to preserve the man&rsquo;s focus.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&ldquo;Oh, yeah,&rdquo; John Handcock&rsquo;s eye widened. &ldquo;His mother told us he only had one ball.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">The action in the room stopped, the fluorescent light flickering slightly, illuminating the clenched jaw of Udder Moron and Dickweed&rsquo;s slightest twitching eyelid.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&ldquo;Wrap it up, people,&rdquo; Hand Pump announced. &ldquo;We&rsquo;re calling Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy back in from the field, studying the effects of LSD on the civilian population will have to wait. Get Good Shit Lollicock on the horn, I&rsquo;d bet my last dollar we&rsquo;ll have immediate orders via Reverse Schoolgirl to redirect all our focus to this. John Handcock, thank you for your service, and please enjoy this nice glass of water.&rdquo; Gobble My Ass handed him a cup, condensation starting to drip down from the edge.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: black;">One sip, a fuzzy feeling, and John Handcock allowed his eyes to close. The last words from Hand Pump seeped through to his consciousness through the veil of sleep. &ldquo;That&rsquo;s it boys, we&rsquo;ve got him. We&rsquo;ve found&hellip; The Uniballer.&rdquo;</span></p>Sun, 03 Dec 2017 21:44:53 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/168http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/168
Weekend at Abba's and Reverse Schoolgirl <p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I find it very gratifying on Thanksgiving day to help the less fortunate,&rdquo; Brown Eye said loudly. &ldquo;I get such a sense of satisfaction knowing that I have warmed someone&rsquo;s heart with my consideration.&rdquo; He patted Cockamole on her beanie.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Aww,&rdquo; Six Tits A Week enveloped him in a hug, pulling Tuna On Top and Tuna On Top&rsquo;s bag of spare exercise clothing in as well, and then Blowqueen and Tears of Semen for good measure. &ldquo;I love you guys.&rdquo; Ru Ru Rimmin patted them on the back, and Shaft took a picture in between the tears streaming down his face.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring sniffed at her cup. &ldquo;What the hell was served at the drink check?&rdquo; She wondered aloud.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And now!&rdquo; Weekend at Abba&rsquo;s stood on a bench. &ldquo;For our feature presentation&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What do you mean, feature presentation? We just did over five miles, uphill both ways,&rdquo; Good Shit complained.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It better be another drink check,&rdquo; Fuck Norris added darkly.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;ve been working late at night in the lab for this,&rdquo; Reverse Schoolgirl said mysteriously. &ldquo;What would a turkey trot be without&hellip; a giant turkey!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The beast stomped down through Duboce Park, nearly crushing a chihuahua, whose owner was cursing his dog&rsquo;s choice of late-night pee stops. It craned its neck and emitted a loud and threatening &lsquo;<em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Gobble gobble gobble</em>.&rsquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Tuna on Top broke free of the still lingering embrace and scrambled away, leaping onto the revving up bike of Udder Moron to escape into the night. Just James decided it was high time to fuck off to the bar.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Circle Jerk screamed, &ldquo;It&rsquo;s a chicken!&rdquo; while Just Tony leaned in to get a shot of the cloaca. He wasn&rsquo;t picky about species. Meanwhile, John Handcock had dialed his producer, cursing when a snort and then a dial tone greeted his explanation. Instead, he grabbed Dick Simmons&rsquo; camera and started shooting, only hindered by the fact that Dick Simmons was still attached.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Fuck, I already posted that I was at Toronado,&rdquo; Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy complained. &ldquo;Do Her Well, can&rsquo;t you just take care of this?"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I draw the line at harming birds,&rdquo; Do Her Well shook her head firmly.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t!&rdquo; Chicken Bone Her dived in with a carving knife. The turkey, however, simply flapped its wings a few times, evading her handily. It didn&rsquo;t, to the contrary, avoid Rocky Mountain Oyster, who had to dive Matrix-like out of the way of its feathery bottom. Dick Ass Mother Fucker was not as lucky.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Why&rsquo;s everyone running?&rdquo; I Cunt Hear You wondered as the pack streaked passed him. One claw crashed down to his left, the other to his right, and only by virtue of a rapid swoon did he avoid decapitation.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch began to run backwards along trail, and the rest of the pack followed, thinking he had a grand plan in mind instead of doing what he always did nearly every hash. Tonya Hardon tried to convince the turkey to land on the statue in the middle of Dolores Park alongside the pigeons, but it was happier going down the slide and nearly crushing RMO, who had chosen to shelter at the slide&rsquo;s bottom.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">They sped down Castro Street, Liverdance seeking respite inside a bar, avoiding the cover charge by impressing them with a two-step. Kerry&rsquo;s Cumcakes was not so lucky. The turkey was bounced immediately, leading to another hue and cry as the group ran back towards Corona Heights.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&ldquo;Why don&rsquo;t we just follow where my trail will go?&rdquo; suggested Rent Whore, but Just Zach and Just Keith were already scrambling away to Buena Vista, leading the rest of the pack in their wake. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s the same thing anyway,&rdquo; she muttered, and followed after them.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Banana In Public watched as the chaos passed him. His jeans were as good as camouflage to the mad turkey Pavlovianly primed for running clothes. The pack ran back to Buena Vista, where Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It tried to captivate the turkey with a flashing strobe light. Unfortunately, the display of power drew the attention of some of the park&rsquo;s residents. Luckily for JDGI, he stuck the beacon inside of RMO&rsquo;s jacket, so it was he who was dragged deep into the darkness instead. Just Antony started to go in after him, but he was held back by Buck Fucka and Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Down to the Haight, back through the panhandle, Just Dara tugged at Foul Balls&rsquo; arm. &ldquo;Is it usually this mad, mate?&rdquo; he gasped.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No,&rdquo; Foul Balls reassured him. &ldquo;Mostly worse.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I am sure someone has a solution!&rdquo; The Perfect Woman announced, when they were nearly back to the start.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh yeah, what?&rdquo; Bum Sucking Electric Fag begged.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t say I did,&rdquo; replied The Perfect Woman.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just then, Five Angry Inches made a leap over a traffic cone, clearing it barely. The turkey followed, but was not so lucky. Cirque du So Lame winced and crossed his legs, Just Deirdre cried out in horror.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Do Her Well frowned. &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t think this makes biological sense.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Oso leapt out of Douchicorn&rsquo;s clutches and went in for the kill. &ldquo;No!&rdquo; shouted Douchicorn, but he was too late. &ldquo;Now that he&rsquo;s tasted blood, he&rsquo;ll be unmanageable. He won&rsquo;t ever be able to be around the scent again without going mad.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Sucks for your dating life,&rdquo; Brown Eye consoled him. &ldquo;By the way, I&rsquo;m single.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">With that, all departed to Toronado, except for Just Tony, who was simply tapped out.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Sun, 26 Nov 2017 16:04:43 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/167http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/167
Chicken Bone Her & Dita Von Spankme<p class="MsoNormal">Hey, this is Just Tony here livestreaming the newest release of <em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hash House Harriers: San Francisco Edition.</em> Thanks for joining me today, I&rsquo;ve been really excited for this game to come out, I prepaid immediately after my buddy told me about it, so&hellip; uh, here we go.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">*Sounds of clicking*</em></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So, the character selection&hellip; seems sort of limited. That sucks, I was dying to play Hand Pump, and all I&rsquo;ve got to choose between is a guy named Brown Eye and another dude named Dick Ass Mother Fucker.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Let&rsquo;s see&hellip; special abilities&hellip; complaining, creating Facebook events, gay jokes&hellip;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So, choosing Dick Ass Mother Fucker&hellip; awesome &lsquo;stache there. And he&rsquo;s giving Free Mustache Rides, the ladies are lining up for him. Tonya Hardon&rsquo;s signing up&hellip; her virgin Tobi. Dude Tobi. Okay.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Tabbing over to trail selection, H3 games are known to have quite the variety. There&rsquo;s only one? Wait a minute. What do you mean, I need to pay Muff Daddy $7 to unlock the other trails?</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fine, fine, let&rsquo;s get on with it. Chicken Bone Her and&hellip; what&rsquo;s the tiny text say? Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy?</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So you can see we&rsquo;re starting out in a dark parking lot. I heard sometimes there&rsquo;s hidden treasure in the bushes, maybe I&rsquo;ll poke around&hellip; holy christ, holy shit&hellip;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">That was Titty Boo Boo. Motherfucker just came at me out of nowhere. I didn&rsquo;t know the game had jump scares.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Huh, it seems you can direct the pack out just by calling out On On! Shit, I just got a beer chucked at me by Mouth Down South. Now dude&rsquo;s stolen a taxi cab and is trying to run me over. On, on! On, on! Okay, all the other noobs are surrounding me. I&rsquo;ve got Just Zach and Just Antony behind me, and Just Jesse&hellip; okay, he just ditched me, but with the two of them Mouth will never be able to figure out which one I am.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>I&rsquo;ve got to say the gameplay feels a little dull, all the FRBs keep ignoring me. Cuming Mutha is always going the wrong way, but somehow always winds up ahead of me, while Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It keeps going the wrong way and just winds up back at the start.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>Oh gross, poop is all over my shoe, Oso! Oso!</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What do you mean you were trying to tell us Tears of Semen is trapped behind a wall? You&rsquo;re not fucking Lassie, and I&rsquo;m not a scatologist.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Douchicorn, yell at Oso for me!</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It feels a bit like we&rsquo;re going around in circles, I keep turning away from this sketchy house but trail keeps pushing me back there. Fuck Norris is telling me it&rsquo;s fine, but these cut sequences are not very reassuring, especially the one starring Good Shit Lollicock.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Weird, video quality just significantly dropped after leaving Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy&rsquo;s house. Things are getting very blurry. Gingervitis pushed me back onto trail back to the start. Blowqueen is patting me on the back, and Masterbaster is handing me another beer. I&rsquo;m chatting with this dude Just Starchey, but I can&rsquo;t even tell if he&rsquo;s a virgin or visitor.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hey, looks like we&rsquo;re naming this chick Just Colleen&hellip; <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span>let&rsquo;s see&hellip; bio: political intern, pastry aficionado, brazen frosting thief&hellip;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Okay, okay&hellip; let me type&hellip; Damn autocorrect. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span>Kerry&rsquo;s Cumcakes it is.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And now we&rsquo;re celebrating Eat My Pussy leveling up in the game. How long did it take you grinding? What? Fifty years! No, I&rsquo;m not just buying lootboxes until I get lucky, I don&rsquo;t care if that worked for you, Shaft, I don&rsquo;t want to get Whorifist&rsquo;s underwear if the odds aren&rsquo;t in my favor.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hey, looks like I found a helpful NPC for once. Achievement unlocked! I&rsquo;ve got access to a private area, come on, dick pics.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>Hey, hey&hellip; why are you all logging off? Come back!</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fuck.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 20 Nov 2017 07:57:32 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/166http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/166
Do Her Well & Tears of Semen<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">An Ode to Soggy Flour Bottom, nee The Cunt Next Door, nee Cunty Butler</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Oh you gonna run our trail tonight<br /> Blowing through that red stoplight<br /> Oh you gonna let it all hang out<br /> Flour-bottomed girls you make this rocking hash go round</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> Hey I was just as lost as Sleazy</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Knew Deadbeat wouldn&rsquo;t take it easy<br /> Had more sand in my vagina than Mouth Down South<br /> Stole my trails from Cumming Mutha</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Older men were our best lovers<br /> Shiggy lady you made a bad hare out of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> Hey hey!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> <br /> We've sought more bush than Dickweed</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Gave Good Shit the drinks he&rsquo;d need<br /> We&rsquo;ve seen every fancy NIMBY on the way (hey)<br /> But their bitching and their bile<br /> Angered Whackaboob after a while<br /> Take me to them tangled brambles every time<br /> <br /> C'mon!<br /> <br /> Oh you gonna run our trail tonight<br /> Blowing through that red stoplight</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Oh, and you give it all you got<br /> Flour-bottomed girls you make this rocking hash go round<br /> Flour-bottomed girls you make this rocking hash go round</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> Hey, listen here<br /> Now I got visitors on the brain<br /> Master Debater and Gravy Train</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Ain't no beauty queens that Cowlick can see (I tell you)<br /> Oh, Cockagami gets his pleasure<br /> At the bar&rsquo;s his greatest treasure<br /> But shiggy lady you made a bad hare out of me (now get this)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> Oh (I know), you gonna run our trail tonight (please)<br /> Blowing through that red stoplight<br /> Oh, you gonna let it all hang out<br /> Flour-bottomed girls you make this rocking hash go round (yeah)<br /> Flour-bottomed girls you make this rocking hash go round</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> Get on Big Cock Chain&rsquo;s bike and ride<br /> <br /> Ooh, yeah, oh, yeah, them flour-bottomed girls<br /> Flour-bottomed girls, yeah, yeah, yeah,<br /> All right<br /> Ride 'em Titty Boo Boo<br /> Flour-bottomed girls<br /> Yes, yes, right.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">With a special thanks to:</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Miss Delivery as Freddy Mercury</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Masterbaster as Brian May</p>
<p>Backside Banger as Roger Taylor </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Songwriters: Tears of Semen and Do Her Well</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Production by Hand Pump and Muff Daddy</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Tour Coordinator: Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch</p>
<p>Sound Technician: I Cunt Hear You</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Tour Publicist: Just Get It Over With</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Lighting Technician: Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Roadies:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Blowqueen</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Gobble My Ass</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Ru Ru Rimmin</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Tonya Hardon</p>
<p>John Handcock </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Tony</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Five angry inches</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fuck Norris</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Shaft</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fuck Buddy</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Sun, 12 Nov 2017 22:53:24 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/165http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/165
Crabs and Backwash<p>Content warning: Everyone dies.</p>
<hr />
<p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I can&rsquo;t see anything, can you see where trail went?&rdquo; Do Her Well asked behind the wall of balloons surrounding her face. Being grapes was beginning to sour. &ldquo;Hey, anyone there?&rdquo; The trail was almost completely dark, a distant lamppost two hundred yards away the nearest oasis. The wind sent a shiver through her, causing the balloons to squeak slightly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>&ldquo;Are you?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Cacaw!&rdquo; Crabs sprung out of the bushes, popping one of the balloons with the tip of his parrot club. &ldquo;Rawk. Trail&rsquo;s that way. Rawk!&rdquo; Backwash grinned and waved.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Do Her Well swatted at him in retribution before scurrying off. Her flashlight suddenly came back to life, strobe light causing her to wince as her eyes tried to adjust. Finally, she wrangled it to normal function, casting it around wildly to try to find the next bit of flour.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Wha&hellip;&rdquo; she had already stopped running after a few steps, bending slightly to look at the smeared and stained mark on the ground. The usual bright white was ground with dirt, as well as something a lot redder and stickier.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oof!&rdquo; Shaft had barreled into her, nearly sending them into the ground. Do Her Well pivoted to avoid stepping on the substance. &ldquo;Shaft! I think&hellip; maybe an animal is hurt?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Together they scanned around, Shaft nudging her at the sight of a much bigger pool of what could only be blood. They stepped silently towards the undergrowth, starting when a rat ran from beneath the bushes. But the bigger pools of blood forced them to go further off the trail, pushing away overhanging branches and for once not even seeing the poison oak scratching at their ankles.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s probably a deer, right? Coyotes are getting pretty fierce.&rdquo;<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>Do Her Well&rsquo;s voice trembled.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yep, dragged it into the trees, I bet.&rdquo; Shaft cleared his throat. &ldquo;We probably don&rsquo;t even need to check it out, the beer&rsquo;s probably just around the corner.&rdquo; But they kept stepping forward together, unthinkingly, inevitably.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Jesus Fucking Christ!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Run!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Holy shit holy shit holy shit fucking crap my fucking god.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Behind them, in the bushes, the moonlight shone on a solitary tree stump, upon which the head of Weiner I Am rested.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Crabs, Crabs, Hand Pump, Backwash, someone, someone.&rdquo; Do Her Well sobbed. &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t have my phone. I don&rsquo;t&hellip; Shaft? Shaft where are you?&rdquo; She stumbled to a halt, looking around, but Shaft was gone.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hey, you dropped this balloon,&rdquo; Dick Ass Mother Fucker cringed when Do Her Well leapt back. &ldquo;Are you okay?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Weiner I Am! He&rsquo;s dead!&rdquo; Do Her Well shrieked suddenly, pointing behind him. &ldquo;And Shaft!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Ha. Scary. Did you hear that on the grapevine?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, look!&rdquo; she turned him around by force, where they could see the last remains of Shaft on the grass.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Run!&rdquo; Dick Ass Mother Fucker took off.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I tried that, dumbass!&rdquo; Do Her Well stomped her foot on the ground, before steeling her resolve and following him.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Bum Sucking Electric Fag! Thank god! And Tonya Hardon!&rdquo; To think that she had only been a few steps away from the pack the entire time. &ldquo;Oh god, did they get Just Natalie?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You like my costume?&rdquo; Just Natalie grinned a bloody smile.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, you&rsquo;re alive.&rdquo; Do Her Well cleared her throat. &ldquo;This is serious. Weiner I Am and Shaft are dead.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Trail&rsquo;s that way!&rdquo; Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It pushed through. &ldquo;On on!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, please, no, don&rsquo;t keep going.&rdquo; Cheese Turd and Circle Jerk ran past her, and she barely missed grabbing Fuck Norris by her cape. &ldquo;Guys, we have to get help, please, help&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This is a really good prank, I have to say,&rdquo; Tricrapylete patted her on the shoulder. &ldquo;I thought I was clever by coming up with identity theft as a costume, but scaring the entire hash&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m fucking serious. I am&hellip; just give me your phone&hellip; &ldquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Sorry, didn&rsquo;t bring it, it&rsquo;d ruin the lines of the ID badges,&rdquo; Tricrapylete shrugged and ran off, leaving her alone once again.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In the darkness, someone screamed.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Help, help!&rdquo; Do Her Well shook herself. &ldquo;Get a grip. Get a grip. What now?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>Are you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>Are you?&rdquo; She called out, turning around in circles.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;On on!&rdquo; Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring came around the corner, bringing the rest of the walkers with her. &ldquo;A drink? I don&rsquo;t have any cups though, sorry.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Guys, someone killed Weiner I Am and Shaft, and god knows how many more.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That makes sense,&rdquo; Muff Daddy nodded. &ldquo;We saw Mouth Down South hanging out on the trail&hellip; literally!&rdquo; He snorted a bit, but constrained his outright laughter.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, that was Brown Eye,&rdquo; corrected One Night Only.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We&rsquo;re on a hunt for the evildoers!&rdquo; Reverse Schoolgirl brandished her toy light saber.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Did you, you know, maybe think of calling the cops?&rdquo; Do Her Well gritted her teeth.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We did already, but you know what response times are like,&rdquo; Backside Banger pointed out.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well, shouldn&rsquo;t we get out of the woods where we can be picked off one by one?&rdquo; Do Her Well demanded.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hey, where&rsquo;s Sister Fister?&rdquo; asked Minor 69er as they ignored her, walking deeper into the woods. Tuna on Top shrugged and looked around, brow creased.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think you have to call her three times!&rdquo; 6 Tits a Week pointed out, right before he fell down into a pit.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After that it was a bloodbath, booby traps taking out Jack The Ripper and Cowlick immediately. 9-1/2 Wanks made it to the edge of the trees before a catapult flung her into the distance. Just Get It Over With bravely dived in front of a flying knife that was meant for Dildo Baggins, but it was to no avail, as he dropped to the ground after breathing in a whiff of poison gas.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Somehow in all of the calamity Do Her Well had managed to emerge from the deadly grove unscathed, mostly by tumbling randomly through the patches of thick blackberries, finally coming out onto the golf club parking lot, where half of the pack were waiting impatiently.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Where&rsquo;s the key to the van?&rdquo; demanded Just Melanie. &ldquo;I wanna get frat boy drunk.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;A noble goal,&rdquo; noted Cockamole. &ldquo;Maybe we should ask Backwash.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Guys, think. Where is the rest of the pack? Where&rsquo;s Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It?!&rdquo; Do Her Well grabbed Blowqueen by his penguin arms and shook him. &ldquo;Aren&rsquo;t you missing Tears of Semen?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well, I always miss her, but she&rsquo;s a grown woman, and she can go where she pleases.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And Douchicorn. Isn&rsquo;t it weird that he&rsquo;s not here?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, he&rsquo;s dead.&rdquo; Chicken Bone Her explained.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Wait, what?&rdquo; Do Her Well gaped. &ldquo;Him too?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Just Oso mauled him because of the costume,&rdquo; Weekend at Abba&rsquo;s admitted. &ldquo;It seemed justified.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This isn&rsquo;t a joke!&rdquo; Do Her Well&rsquo;s voice squeaked along with her balloons. &ldquo;This is serious fucking business. There is a killer nearby, and I am calling the police right now and going to a very brightly lit area and waiting until someone finds me a psychiatrist and I am starting by prying away one of the phones from your bodies, alive or dead, I really don&rsquo;t care because if we wait any longer it won&rsquo;t make a difference.&rdquo; She ripped the phone off I Cunt Hear You&rsquo;s armband, ignoring his complaints about his Strava goals, and tried to dial.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;How can there be no reception?&rdquo; she muttered, throwing the phone back in frustration.<br /> <br /> &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t have any either,&rdquo; Just Tony had whipped his out as well.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Boner Malfunction and I couldn&rsquo;t post on Snapchat earlier,&rdquo; Cum Sail Away confirmed. &ldquo;Our costumes were so good this year too!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I know what to do!&rdquo; All eyes turned to Vagina Dentata. &ldquo;Uh, go to a bar?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Exactly! They&rsquo;ll have a landline.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As one they turned to go, Resting Slut Face looking forlornly at the still locked-up alcohol. The sounds of hoofbeats caused Buck Fucka to pause, and he had just enough time to push Pole Her Bare away from the downwards swing of an axe.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The cloaked figure gathered the reins up and came in for another blow. Just Colleen and Liverdance split up, but the figure sheathed its axe and went for a bow and arrows, picking off hashers rapidly.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What a shitty trail to bring virgins to,&rdquo; Fuck Buddy complained, before she too was felled.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">John Handcock bravely grabbed the reins, throwing the rider off balance, but he quickly discovered their antagonist was skilled at knifeplay. Just James went into the bushes, followed by Weekend At Abba&rsquo;s, but both were taken out by a vicious trained coyote.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think this has all been a misunderstanding,&rdquo; Udder Moron bluffed at negotiating, feeling for a metal pipe he had seen in the underbrush. Unfortunately for him said pipe had been craftily connected to the power grid of the golf club.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Go! Go!&rdquo; Cuming Mutha had run onto the golf course with Do Her Well and Whorifist. He pushed them into the shadows of the trees, and they could only watch as he faked a limp long enough to catch the attention of the dark figure. They turned away as the final blow was struck.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m stuck,&rdquo; Whorifist muttered.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Are you fucking kidding?&rdquo; Do Her Well squinted her eyes in the darkness and tried to dig at the metal fence that was wrapped around Whorifist&rsquo;s ankle.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You should go, I might be okay here.&rdquo; Whorifist&rsquo;s eyes could not hide his doubts. He continued, &ldquo;But someone needs to get help. The others could be out there&hellip; waiting. Someone needs to let people know what happened.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Shit. Okay. There are houses right over there. I&rsquo;ll be back as soon as I can.&rdquo; She slunk backwards slowly until she was out of sight.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Careful, careful,&rdquo; Do Her Well&rsquo;s lips formed the words but she made no sound. She walked slowly, deliberately into the light. She could see someone moving in the kitchen, it was as sure a shot as she&rsquo;d had all night. The doorbell sounded loud to her ears even through the thick door. Her world at this moment existed solely on that stoop, waiting, hoping.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, oh dear. Whatever is the matter?&rdquo; The woman who opened the door could not seem to make sense of what she was seeing. &ldquo;Are you okay? Come in, come in.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&hellip; I.&rdquo; Now that help was so close at hand the words did not want to come out. &ldquo;I need the police.&rdquo;<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The woman nodded, lips pressed tightly together. She pulled Do Her Well into the hallway, locking the door firmly behind them and setting the chain. &ldquo;You come right here, I have the tea on and they&rsquo;ll be around in a jiffy, don&rsquo;t you worry.&rdquo; She pulled a chair out, seamlessly pouring a cup for Do Her Well as she cradled the phone by her ear. &ldquo;Hello. I&rsquo;d like to report an emergency.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Do Her Well finally realized how cold she was just as the warmth started to seep in her bones, the tea not quite burning her throat as she gulped it down. The buzz of the woman&rsquo;s voice coalesced into words as she began to take in her surroundings.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yes, it&rsquo;s horrible, there&rsquo;s a young woman here who collapsed on my doorstep, I brought her into the kitchen, but she doesn&rsquo;t seem to be conscious.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Do Her Well felt the teacup fall as her hands grew numb, and the tremors that had started from the chill began to wrack her entire body.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;CPR? Oh, I can try&hellip; just give me a second.&rdquo; The woman put the phone down and stared at the prone form of Do Her Well. &ldquo;She has all of this white powder on her, though&hellip;&rdquo; she said, picking up the phone again. &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t believe I can risk it. Five minutes? Good, please hurry. You know, I saw a weird powder on the ground outside earlier, I even put a call in about it.&rdquo; She listened and nodded to herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>&ldquo;Hmm. I&rsquo;m glad you&rsquo;ll look into it now. It&rsquo;s funny&mdash;at the time, no one seemed to take me seriously.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Sun, 05 Nov 2017 22:26:20 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/164http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/164
Mouth Down South<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span>&ldquo;There are days when you are feeling your best.&rdquo;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Buck Fucka&rsquo;s hair blew gently in the breeze. Pole Her Bare ran her fingers through it lovingly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">And with our new formula, Pantene Pro LXIX, you&rsquo;ll be looking your &ndash;&ldquo;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;CUT!&rdquo; Mouth Down South screamed into a megaphone, interference from a nearby walkie talkie squealing in the background. &ldquo;This isn&rsquo;t right, this isn&rsquo;t my vision.&rdquo; Just Keith patted his forehead with a towel, while Ru Ru Rimmin scrambled for a fresh Perrier.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Something just isn&rsquo;t flowing today,&rdquo; Mouth continued.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Is it my voiceover?&rdquo; Muff Daddy asked worriedly. &ldquo;I can sound sexier.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, you&rsquo;re fine, you&rsquo;re just fine. You&rsquo;re beautiful, babe.&rdquo; Mouth gazed blankly at the scene before him, Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy fanning the couple as they stood under harsh lights. &ldquo;Vagina Dentata, tell Pole Her Bare to come over here.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In the background, a falling light barely missed Weiner I Am. One Night Only grabbed a broom to clean up the broken glass, while Raspukin pocketed some of the debris to hock on his eBay store.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s like this, Cuming Mutha,&rdquo; Mouth Down South hopped out of his director&rsquo;s chair, putting his arm around the man who had been passing by. &ldquo;You start with a perfect vision, you plan everything right, you coordinate down to the last little detail&hellip; and?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cuming Mutha shrugged his arm away. &ldquo;You think you&rsquo;ve got it rough? It&rsquo;s a bloody hair commercial, mate, On All Fours made me direct the latest Indiana Jones movie and you wouldn&rsquo;t believe the divas I have to put up with.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In the background, Tricrapylete walked by with Resting Slut Face and Crabs, going over the last pages of the script. &ldquo;What does it mean, this Junior?&rdquo; Tricrapylete asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;That&rsquo;s his name!&rdquo; Crabs guffawed. <br /> <br /> &ldquo;I. like. Resting. Slut. Face.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We named the dog Resting Bitch Face,&rdquo; Crabs retorted.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Giddyap!&rdquo; Resting Slut Face replied, and they galloped away on their mops.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Budget issues,&rdquo; shrugged Cuming Mutha. &ldquo;You&rsquo;re lucky you got bankrolled by Good Shit Lollicock.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The contract is insane, though. Half of the shots today must include Hoseblower in a red plush bathrobe.&rdquo; He looked pointedly at the man lounging on a couch, flicking an endless stream of dollar bills at Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring, Tonya Hardon, and Sir Menage A Lot. &ldquo;Minor 69er must feature in my next five films, which would be great, except Shaft also has to play Sister Fister&rsquo;s little dog, and the series is &lsquo;Teeny Weenie Goes to Space.&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And then you should hear what I have to do for I&rsquo;m Drunk&rsquo;s birthday&mdash;&rdquo; He paused abruptly, staring at Vagina Dentata who had Weekend At Abba&rsquo;s firmly gripped by the shoulders. She trod firmly on his instep and scrambled away. &ldquo;That wasn&rsquo;t Pole Her Bare.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Um, right.&rdquo; Vagina Dentata hurried away.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;As I was saying,&rdquo; Mouth continued, but he found that Cuming Mutha had disappeared, only to be replaced by Dick Simmons&rsquo; camera and Just Get It Over With holding a boom microphone.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s for our documentary,&rdquo; Dick Simmons explained. &ldquo;Mouth: The Opening Feature.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Who let you in here? Don&rsquo;t Go Down There! Get them out of here!&rdquo; But his bodyguard had been distracted by Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It&rsquo;s thumb and Five Angry Inches&hellip; well&hellip; and Mouth could only groan in frustration. &ldquo;Doesn&rsquo;t anyone follow my directions around here?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What do you need?&rdquo; Buck Fucka and Geordi La Foreskin popped up by his elbow.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Buck Fucka&hellip; get Pepe Le Poop to give you a fluffing&hellip; your hair. And you&hellip; you look so familiar. Aren&rsquo;t you that guy in that thing? Chicken Bone Her, isn&rsquo;t he that guy?&rdquo; Mouth Down South paused to glance at a returning Vagina Dentata. &ldquo;No, that&rsquo;s Reverse Schoolgirl.&rdquo; He turned back to Geordi, who looked at him hopefully. &ldquo;I Cunt Hear You, mike him up! You&rsquo;ll play the part of Hotdog Vendor.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The sight of Geordi had set some sort of creative lightning storm off in Mouth&rsquo;s brain. He paced back and forth, and relying on Cirque du so Lame to write down his ramblings, demanded Fuck Norris get a new batch of extras, waved away Vagina Dentata (&ldquo;That&rsquo;s Fuck Buddy&rdquo;), ignored Backside Banger&rsquo;s catering issues, ordered Dick Ass Mother Fucker to bring in five hundred daisies, and called in Miss Delivery, My Little Porno, and Gondalerrhea from the set of <em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Young and the Restless.</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Mouth Down South scrambled back into his director&rsquo;s chair. &ldquo;Ok, guys we&rsquo;re getting ready to roll. Let&rsquo;s use more spontaneity, more spark this time. Go with your guts, people! No, Vagina Dentata, that&rsquo;s Cockamole. Muff Daddy, you good? Hand Pump&rsquo;s on camera one, Tears of Semen be ready with the cue cards. And ready, set&hellip; rolling!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&ldquo;There are days when you are feeling your worst.&rdquo;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Big Cock Chains looked sadly at a poop covered Caltrains vest. Roman Showers tipped the last drops from a wine bottle and gazed into the distance.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&ldquo;And days when you are on top of the world.&rdquo;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Pat stripped away his suit and took to the stage as Liverdance, tapping his little heart out. Six Tits a Week looked fondly at his child, resting in a crib.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">But whatever the day may bring&hellip;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Buck Fucka looked into Pole Her Bare&rsquo;s eyes, the world growing silent around them. They smiled at each other, a hint of vulnerability on each of their faces. Buck Fucka dropped down on one knee, pulling out a small box with shaking hands.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Vagina Dentata tackled Pole Her Bare into the artificial shrubbery. &ldquo;Found her!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;CUT!&rdquo;</p>Mon, 30 Oct 2017 08:03:45 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/163http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/163
Deadbeat; Gobble My Ass<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But what do you think the intention was?&rdquo; Just Get It Over With asked, hand on her chin. Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch, Mouth Down South, and Vagina Dentata were linked arm in arm, motionless, while Shaft, Hoseblower and Hairy Helmet lay sprawled at their feet, legs spread salaciously. All players in the tableau were clad in identical outfits, all but Tricrapylete, who gazed at them wistfully.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s called &lsquo;The Garden of Earthly Delights,&rsquo;&rdquo; read Muff Daddy from the placard. &ldquo;Huh.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I was told there would be wine. Isn&rsquo;t it mandated that all art walks have to involve wine?&rdquo; Cockagami complained.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We have to get through the exhibits first,&rdquo; hissed Do Her Well. &ldquo;Everyone finish your fucking Snapchats and we can go.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Look, here&rsquo;s another card. &lsquo;Look up?&rsquo;&rdquo; read Ocean Spray. &ldquo;At what, exactly? It&rsquo;s just a fucking starry night.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Is this art even ADA approved?&rdquo; Cirque du So Lame complained. &ldquo;What if you can&rsquo;t look up?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Looking isn&rsquo;t what I&rsquo;m having problems with, currently,&rdquo; Handidicked advised.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Ooh, over there!&rdquo; pointed Bottom Dollar. &ldquo;I see My Little Porno, Tears of Semen, Fuck Norris, and Tonya Hardon. They&rsquo;re all standing around the check&mdash;no one is showing their cards yet.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Let me guess, Bitches Playing Poker.&rdquo; Cockagami yawned. &ldquo;And over there, Miss Delivery and John Handcock kneeling before the Perfect Woman? The Birth of Penis.&rdquo; He strolled a few feet further. &ldquo;Ru Ru Rimmin, shouting <em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">On On!</em> will obviously be &lsquo;The Scream,&rsquo; and I don&rsquo;t know really want to know why Nappy Headed Homo, Dickweed, and Gondolerrhea have gotten so sweaty, but I&rsquo;m guessing it has something to do with &lsquo;Waterwillies.&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Cockagami, can&rsquo;t you find anything you like here?&rdquo; One Night Only asked plaintively.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Actually, I can&rsquo;t&mdash;&ldquo; Cockagami&rsquo;s eyes widened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>&ldquo;Holy shit, what is that?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Pepe le Poop was cowering at the corner of the road, while a car had skidded to a stop near him. Leave It To Cleavage was in the center of the scene, launching the douchebag who had emerged from the vehicle into midair with a well-placed kick. Meanwhile, Reverse Schoolgirl and Weekend at Abba&rsquo;s were sculpting the diorama rapidly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;Do you think you could kick him again?&rdquo; asked Six Tits a Week. &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t think the ladies captured it quite yet.&rdquo; Leave It To Cleavage went in for another one, while Dick Simmons took as many reference shots as he could squeeze in between selfies.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This is definitely going in my art blog,&rdquo; Roman Showers told Chicken Bone Her as they watched, who nodded and quietly updated her own blog via phone. Finally, the sculptors had finished, and Uber Luber drew back the curtain that had been erected.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We call it &lsquo;Woman Attacked by Baby,&rsquo;&rdquo; Masterbaster announced. Just Pat did a happy jig, while Big Cock Chains and Just Keith clapped politely.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Are we almost done?&rdquo; Bambi&rsquo;s Bitch asked, while Scent of a Man looked around for the alcohol hopefully.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m afraid our plans are getting a bit askew,&rdquo; Hand Pump interrupted. &ldquo;I know we&rsquo;ve gone all around Russian Hill, made our way back to the start, and despite no mention of any of this thus far, we&rsquo;re going to have to move yet again back to the beer check.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;So surreal,&rdquo; remarked Gobble My Ass and Deadbeat, barely hanging on to the whipcrack pace of their own trail.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Rent Whore was delighted to find her ears had become butterfly wings, while Fuck Buddy was running in a wristwatch the size of a hamster wheel, if the hamster was Fuck Buddy. Backside Banger groaned and got back into Chester, which was now a fish. Meanwhile, Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It and Good Shit Lollicock rode twenty story high elephants back towards circle.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This is getting way too abstract for me,&rdquo; Do Her Well complained, boobs starting to slip downwards to her knees. &ldquo;The Persistence of Mammaries might be fine art, but it&rsquo;s a bitch to deal with.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Is the In-N-Out exhibit still open?&rdquo; Daddy&rsquo;s Little Screamer asked hopefully. &ldquo;I came all the way to tour it, and I&rsquo;m not giving a five star review unless I see it!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;One more display,&rdquo; Mouth Down South declared, motioning towards Just Natalie. &ldquo;Ask me about my slippery sister?&rdquo; He read the placard she held proudly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But she gave no answer, and all they could see in the darkness was her Moan-a Lisa smile.</p>Sun, 22 Oct 2017 21:21:02 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/162http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/162
Big Cock Chains<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s coming at us fast, cap&rsquo;n!&rdquo; Udder Moron cried even as he pegged away at the keyboard in front of him, turning the thrusters on full bore.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Permission to dock?&rdquo; came over the radio. &ldquo;Hard In the Saddle here, with Man Aids right behind me. We&rsquo;ve flown a long way to greet you.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hand Pump wiped his brow. &ldquo;Now isn&rsquo;t the best time, gentlemen,&rdquo; he announced, even as he was rocked by the impact of a second asteroid. &ldquo;Damage, Muff Daddy?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The bilge has been hit hard, and there is now a fire raging in the engine room. We&rsquo;re at twenty-five percent capacity.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Aye, captain,&rdquo; the radio crackled. &ldquo;It looks like your main thruster is lit up brighter than Christmas lights. There&rsquo;s even more asteroids, you&rsquo;re in the middle of a fucking storm of them here, there&rsquo;s more here than there are venereal eruptions on Man AIDS!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In the background of space, no one can hear you scream&hellip; but if that wasn&rsquo;t true one would have been deafened by the supersonic protest from the other ship. Hard In the Saddle continued, &ldquo;If you don&rsquo;t get that contained before the next hit it could cause a massive implosion. So, about docking?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Fine, fine,&rdquo; Hand Pump sighed. &ldquo;Big Cock Chains, chart us a course to pick up the visitors and get us out of this field. Backside Banger, make sure Hard in the Saddle and Man AIDS are properly inspected. I Cunt Here You, what&rsquo;s our status?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The bridge was silent. Dick Ass Mother Fucker spoke up. &ldquo;There&rsquo;s no hope of containment for at least a week. Conditions are expecting to worsen rapidly, and even the bridge will be affected soon by deteriorating air quality.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And?&rdquo; Hand Pump prompted.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Kegs are at peak capacity.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Excellent!&rdquo; Fucker clapped his hands. &ldquo;Why didn&rsquo;t you say so?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Big Cock Chains thrust his chest out proudly, handing Hand Pump a crumpled napkin with some scribbles on it. Hand Pump took the note solemnly, passing it to Fuck Norris who blew her nose in it before realizing she was meant to adjust course. The ship darted through the field at high speeds, occasionally zigging when it should have zagged, while the occupants on the bridge drank themselves into oblivion.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Captain, it&rsquo;s horrible!&rdquo; Six Tits a Week stumbled in front of them grasping his chest.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Do Her Well followed, a pained look on her face. &ldquo;Sir, we lost lighting in the bunks. None of us could see where we were going, and so&hellip; there were some casualties.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sticky Fingers limped into view, his left arm entirely gone. &ldquo;No worries, it&rsquo;s just a flesh wound. Coulda happened to anyone, really, right? Right?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It was dark. Gloryhole panicked.&rdquo; Do Her Well explained. &ldquo;And no one&rsquo;s seen Cuming Mutha.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I saw him taking one of our new officers in the opposite direction!&rdquo; Six Tits a Week offered. &ldquo;He said something about it being expected because she was a virgin.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We&rsquo;re down another officer&mdash;Foul Balls, is your trainee ready to take on her duties?&rdquo; Hand Pump asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t know if he is properly equipped?&rdquo; Foul Balls wondered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I have a suggestion?&rdquo; Douchicorn stepped forward. &ldquo;Permission to speak, captain?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> Hand Pump nodded.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I noticed that Just Victor was very adept with the Grindr portal in the ship&rsquo;s computers, even lengthening it to five whole inches. May I suggest a promotion?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Duly noted,&rdquo; Hand Pump pursed his lips. &ldquo;Five Angry Inches, please report for duty in the brig. I think Pepe Le Poop got lost down there and will need some company.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Reporting for duty!&rdquo; Brown Eye appeared on the deck, eying Five Angry Inches as he passed. &ldquo;Captain, I am ready to rejoin the crew.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Deadbeat held up a cautioning finger. &ldquo;Sir, I believe Brown Eye may need to enter quarantine for a few weeks. We rendezvoused with an alien vessel, the Interam, during our voyage.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s not unusual for us,&rdquo; Just Get It Over With pointed out. &ldquo;I myself have experienced many such adventures without any ills to report.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Deadbeat cleared his throat. &ldquo;Yes, but I don&rsquo;t believe you had the same close encounter that he did.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What exactly does that mean?&rdquo; Fuck Buddy wondered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;I got laid, okay?&rdquo; Brown Eye rolled his eyes. &ldquo;You don&rsquo;t have to make such a big deal of it.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You were the one who asked to be put into quarantine,&rdquo; Deadbeat pointed out. &ldquo;Several times. You even asked Weiner I Am, and you know the pharmacy can&rsquo;t make that call.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s not like I asked for a party or anything,&rdquo; Brown Eye defended himself.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;You wanted Just Pat to dance an Irish jig for you. You offered to pay him, but I&rsquo;m pretty sure you were lying,&rdquo; Roman Showers retorted.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Okay, okay, don&rsquo;t have an aneurysm. I was going to pay him in beer. From the keg.&rdquo; Brown Eye sniffed. &ldquo;Is something on fire?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yes,&rdquo; Hand Pump answered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Should we be worried?&rdquo; asked the crew.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;Yes,&rdquo; said Hand Pump.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The heroes are elsewhere,</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do not look to us for your champions.</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">But to celebrate in the face of fear,</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">bringing joy to the edge of madness,</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">will go down with the last breath</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">on our ship of fate.</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">We do not celebrate in ignorance,</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">but clad in the heavy weight of fragile mortality.</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The human spirit is the stakes of the final battle.</em></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">We are what is being fought for.</em></p>Mon, 16 Oct 2017 09:05:36 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/161http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/161
Brown Eye<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t know I could be so&hellip; inspirational,&rdquo; Brown Eye muttered from behind the impromptu bunker that Miss Delivery and Resting Slut Face had erected. Cirque du so Lame dove over it, cowering behind the bulky protuberance. It was the only thing holding back a maddened pack of harriettes making their demands known.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;They said&hellip; they said they weren&rsquo;t willing to negotiate.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">One Night Only waved a reverse penis pump at them cheerfully, while Betty Cocker pulled out a ruler and dramatically cut it in two. Just Get It Over With lifted her scepter (Swiss Army model, complete with shears) and let an inhuman roar resound through the night. Cars swerved on Fell Street, John Handcock and Gobble My Ass scrambled for cover under the branches of Buena Vista, and the tourists at Twin Peaks found even more reason to clutch each other tightly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Courage swelled up in the depths of Pepe Le Poop&rsquo;s heart. &ldquo;I will go!&rdquo; he yelled, leaping out of the clutches of Sticky Fingers. &ldquo;Raaah!&rdquo; The call tapered off into a whimper. Got Wood winced.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Looks like they cut him off at the knees,&rdquo; Dick Simmons shouted from his command center.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;d say a bit higher,&rdquo; Muff Daddy snickered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Someone has to negotiate with them,&rdquo; Dickweed announced. &ldquo;Someone that will&hellip; fulfill their demands.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Wouldn&rsquo;t take much,&rdquo; Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It muttered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, yeah, well why don&rsquo;t you go?&rdquo; Brown Eye said tartly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t qualify,&rdquo; Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It thrust his hips forward.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Neither do I!&rdquo; yelled Boner Malfunction. As one, all the men&rsquo;s fingers touched their noses, except for Whorifist, who proved his point by simply dropping his pants.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And a Teeny Weeny shall lead us!&rdquo; Sister Fister cried from the mass of women on the other side. She held up her new puppy, and the crowd yelled its approval.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Big schlong, not for long!&rdquo; chanted Do Her Well with a pair of garden shears held up high. Reverse Schoolgirl simply made do with a rusty hoe, but to the hashers&rsquo; sensibilities it was just as effective.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Why is Hand Pump allowed over there then?&rdquo; asked Udder Moron.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Beer has that effect on me--<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>men.&rdquo; Titty Boo Boo stuttered a bit. &ldquo;Naturally they would corrupt his beermeister talents for their own despicable, naughty self-gratification.&rdquo; Sheltered by the darkness of night, he blushed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;So are we going to get circle started anytime soon?&rdquo; Zippercised wandered over. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s getting late.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yeah,&rdquo; Mouth Down South agreed. &ldquo;We&rsquo;ve been out for a while now, when I&rsquo;m running things it&rsquo;ll be a lot shorter.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Are you not listening man!&rdquo; Buck Fucka grabbed him by the lapels of his happi coat. &ldquo;That&rsquo;s exactly what they want!&rdquo; He nodded over to where Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring and Cunty Butler had rolled out a gynecologist&rsquo;s chair, stirrups fully extended.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t kinkshame,&rdquo; Zippercised scolded. &ldquo;Have you tried talking to them?&rdquo; He grabbed Vagina Dentata and dragged him along. &ldquo;Hey, Primal Vagina, we wanted to have an auction to benefit Puerto Rico, mind calling off the troops for a second.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Five dollars!&rdquo; cried out Just Natalie. &ldquo;For him, that&rsquo;s a great deal!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, it&rsquo;s the coat&hellip;&rdquo; muttered Zippercised, but Rent Whore had challenged with ten and they were off and running. Now I Know My STDs offered fifteen AND a free inspection, while Small Cock Chains one up&rsquo;d her with an additional 69.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>But Good Shit Lollicock, sensing a good deal, jumped in on the action and refused to be outbid, not even when Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch offered his hand in marriage.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Sorry, dear, it is for charity,&rdquo; Just Get It Over With patted Vagina Dentata fondly. &ldquo;And now, to the Castration!&rdquo; The men found themselves surrounded. Douchicorn was pinned to the wall of the DMV, while Yessiryesshe&rsquo;sfat found himself spread out over one of the metal barricades.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I have to admit, this isn&rsquo;t how I thought I would go,&rdquo; Ru Ru Rimmin said tearfully.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Can you please alert my attorney,&rdquo; Fucker instructed Just Amie.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Wait, wait!&rdquo; Tonya Hardon waved a piece of paper. &ldquo;The hare&rsquo;s instructions! It says Castro Street, not Castration!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You&rsquo;re doing this over instructions from the hare?&rdquo; asked Just Keith incredulously.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;They damn well are following the hare&rsquo;s instructions,&rdquo; Brown Eye announced proudly. &ldquo;Wait, those weren&rsquo;t my instructions!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We need an impartial observer,&rdquo; Primal Vagina grabbed World Wide Whore, who reflexively brought his legs together. &ldquo;What does it say?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">World Wide Whore looked from the desperate faces of Wrinklepecker and Handidicked to the rather bored countenance of Cuming Mutha. &ldquo;You&rsquo;ll get used to this mate,&rdquo; Cuming Mutha shrugged. &ldquo;Not the worst treatment I&rsquo;ve had all week, by far. Just make the call, we&rsquo;re not here to fuck spiders you know.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I mean, I think I can make it out&hellip;&rdquo; World Wide Whore squinted, Tricrapylete helpfully bringing up a flashlight. Weiner I Am and Double Man Cum held their breaths (their stash was poor quality that night), while Spongebob Sploogepants sobbed softly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It says castration&hellip;&rdquo; World Wide Whore concluded.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>&ldquo;Sorry guys!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End</p>Mon, 09 Oct 2017 14:23:57 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/160http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/160
Ru Ru Rimmin, Uber Luber<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Snap, snap, snap.</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It was a rivalry as old as time, ensconced in the halls of history alongside the Greeks versus the Trojans, the Yankees versus the Mets, and Crunchy versus Puffy Cheetos.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Snap, snap, snap.</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dick Simmons dove under a bush and took out his camera, no other photographer able to capture such a pivotal moment in history.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Snap, snap, snap.</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I Cunt Here You wandered oblivious between the two parties nearing each other, Just Natalie trailing beside him. &ldquo;Get down!&rdquo; Muff Daddy screamed, and leapt on top of them, pushing them out of the way.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Snap, snap, snap.</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;So, can I use your restroom?&rdquo; Rent Whore asked the Crossfitters, choosing the fire the opening salvo.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Sorry,&rdquo; one of them said.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Snap, snap, snap.</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s Member&rsquo;s Only.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, yeah?&rdquo; Ocean Spray taunted, pulling down her pants.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We&rsquo;re calling the cops,&rdquo; one of them advised with a sneer.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Please,&rdquo; said Brown Eye. &ldquo;This is the one place in the city where public urination is doing the park a favor.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And he would know&hellip;&rdquo; added Sir Menage a Lot.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You don&rsquo;t dare to take us on,&rdquo; Big Cock Chains threatened.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh yeah?&rdquo; the largest of the group stepped forward, holding a large piece of rope.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You gonna beat us with that?&rdquo; The Perfect Woman asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The man began skipping rope, alternating to do pushups and jumping jacks in between each skip.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh,&rdquo; The Perfect Woman sighed, disappointed, Miss Delivery stopping by his side to comfort him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hey guys,&rdquo; Ru Ru Rimmin interrupted nervously. &ldquo;Hey guys, I think you want to&hellip; I think maybe instead of this fighting&hellip;&rdquo; He looked first at Fuck Norris, who had a Crossfitter in a headlock between her thighs, then at Hand Pump who was waterboarding another one with the remains of last week&rsquo;s keg. &ldquo;Can&rsquo;t we all just get along&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s what I say,&rdquo; Weiner I Am looked up from his meditation circle.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Meanwhile, Reverse Schoolgirl was spitting beer at the hapless Crossfitters, and Just James had joined her. Millimeter Peter was pointing at a stranger&rsquo;s crotch and laughing. Roman Showers had even put her book down and was getting out of the minivan.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I only know one way to get us out of this situation,&rdquo; Uber Luber squared his shoulders. &ldquo;And that&rsquo;s &lsquo;On ON!&rsquo;&rdquo; he yelled, turning the pack onto his and Ru Ru Rimmin&rsquo;s trail.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Unwillingly, the pack ran off, driven purely by their lust for beer. &ldquo;This isn&rsquo;t the end!&rdquo; Do Her Well shook her fist at the crew, nearly tripping over Tonya Hardon as she looked back at them threateningly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&ldquo;This feels like a distraction,&rdquo; Udder Moron groused.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s like we&rsquo;re just on a Team In Training r*n,&rdquo; Fuck Buddy added.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&ldquo;How would you know what that&rsquo;s like?&rdquo; Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It remarked, suspicious. &ldquo;You haven&rsquo;t done anything like that, have you?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&ldquo;Never ask about a woman&rsquo;s past,&rdquo; Dick Ass Mother Fucker whispered to him. &ldquo;Except for that Kiwi chick, we need to come up with a name for her.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&ldquo;I know Fuck Buddy, and I know she&rsquo;s not into that,&rdquo; Good Shit Lollicock defended his friend.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&ldquo;Yeah, stop spreading lies about good harriettes,&rdquo; Douchicorn demanded. &ldquo;Or at least, make them pervier lies.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s about time for the beer!&rdquo; Whorifist interrupted, expertly flying over the trail crossover that left the rest of the pack flummoxed. &ldquo;<em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">This</em> is why we are hashers.&rdquo; He said, sipping on the sweet nectar. Baby Got Balls gave him a high five.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&ldquo;Yeah, anyone who&rsquo;d rather be throwing weights around and leaping into tires should be ashamed,&rdquo; Wash This Asshole declared.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&ldquo;Um&hellip;&rdquo; Chain Bang scuffed a foot into the ground.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&ldquo;What?&rdquo; Too Much Teeth pulled away from him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>&ldquo;You asked me to marry you. You promised you would share your entire life with me. When, pray tell, were you going to tell me about your sordid past?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&ldquo;Babe, it was just once. I was just experimenting. You know how it is.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">Boner Malfunction nodded sympathetically, and Cum Sail Away slapped him. &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t defend him!&rdquo; she hissed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&ldquo;Look, there&rsquo;s a lot of things to like about Crossfitters,&rdquo; Cockamole attempted to negotiate, wincing at the grimace Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring directed at her.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&ldquo;Like,&rdquo; she continued, undeterred. &ldquo;Like we all love being inside our boxes,&rdquo; she said. &ldquo;And we sometimes go so hard that we puke, and we&rsquo;re proud of it.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">Pepe le Poop was nodding. Cockamole picked up steam, &ldquo;They do burpees, we do burps. They want as many snatches as possible, so do we. And we both have sketchy friend named Uncle.&rdquo; She finished proudly. Primal Vagina applauded, while Just Victor and Just Miguel looked intrigued.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&ldquo;She&rsquo;s right,&rdquo; Too Much Teeth allowed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&ldquo;The wedding&rsquo;s on?&rdquo; Chain Bang asked hopefully.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&ldquo;Well of course, we already paid for the alcohol.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Snap, snap, snap.</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 264.0pt;">The End.</p>Mon, 02 Oct 2017 10:30:58 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/159http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/159
Eat My Pussy & Gingervitis<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Exodus</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>1</sup>At around 4:30 PM Do Her Well summoned Eat My Pussy and Gingervitis and said, &ldquo;Up! Lead these hashers away from me, you and your pack! Go, worship Hand Pump as you have requested. <sup>2</sup>Take your Hepatitis Seeing Eye Dogs, and your Allahu Aqbarks, though they shall dash you into rocks for your folly, and go. Also, bless me.&rdquo; She sneezed.</p>
<p>&nbsp; </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>3</sup>And so Mouth Down South urged the people to hurry from work to the prelube. &ldquo;Otherwise, we will all be sober!&rdquo; <sup>4</sup>And even Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy saw the wisdom in his words, and they took up their packs to the prelube, and then on to Eat My Pussy&rsquo;s garage.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Begatting</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>5</sup>And it was here that Reverse Schoolgirl begat Just James, and seeing this wonder, Masterbaster declared he would begat not one but two virgins, and so he did. All eyes looked away except for Just Tony&rsquo;s.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Trail Restrictions</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>6</sup>Hand Pump said to Eat My Pussy and Gingervitis, &ldquo;These are the restrictions for trail:</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>Tell me which beer you want.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>Don&rsquo;t spend more than $50 on food.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>7</sup>And then he went to tap the keg.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Consecration of Chalk Talk</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>8</sup>And Eat My Pussy had them gather together in a circle in the desert to observe the rite of Chalk Talk.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>9</sup>&ldquo;Commemorate this day, this day when you have been brought out of the Castro, for&mdash;hey, hey Circle Jerk, I&rsquo;m speaking here. Bring with you a tithe to pledge, and leave nothing behind you, because who knows if you&rsquo;ll come back&mdash;yes, One Night Only, I&rsquo;m talking to you. Hand Pump help you all.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp; </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Crossing the Mountain</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>10</sup>And so Eat My Pussy led them, in a very broad sense, to the MUNI where they were to embark underneath the mountain. And so they rode, two by two, Brown Eye and Doucheicorn, Zippercised and Ru Ru Rimmin. <sup>11</sup>But Do Her Well&rsquo;s heart was hardened against them, and she wrote the wrong directions outside the MUNI station. <sup>12</sup>But Foul Balls and My Little Porno prayed to Hand Pump for guidance, and so he delivered them back onto trail through a great rustling of the bushes.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Claiming of the Mount</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>13</sup>Many miles already journeyed, the pack was growing restless. They were led west, and then north, and then back east again, eyes searching uneasily in the setting sun. <sup>14</sup>Udder Moron claimed he saw the shape of Hand Pump in the shiggy, but it was just two squirrels humping. <sup>15</sup>Fuck Buddy suggested that they just go back into Egypt&mdash;ahem, the Castro, and be done with it, and to be sure some hashers were tempted by her words. <sup>16</sup>But Big Cock Chains found the way out of the wilderness, and there they saw the form of Cuming Mutha in the distance, and the pack had hope.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Waters of Kite Hill</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>17</sup>They were wrong. Upon finding trail the pack discovered, to their chagrin, they had yet more time to spend wandering in the wilderness. Whorifist gnashed his teeth, and Primal Vagina fumbled for his mouth guard, but Dick Ass Mother Fucker had grabbed it in her distraction. <sup>18</sup>Even Gobble My Ass cried out for relief, mouth parched and throat dry. Night had fallen, and not even Fucker had seen a drop of beer in two hours. <sup>19</sup>Hand Pump said to Eat My Pussy and Gingervitis, &ldquo;I hear the pack is grumbling, where is the sangria?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp; </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>20</sup>And so Eat My Pussy revealed to the kennel one thimbleful each of the sangria, and they supped on it with great thirst. The Perfect Woman took one thimble and from it managed to feed Wee Wee, Pole Her Bare, and Rent Whore.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp; </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>21</sup>&rdquo;This is bullshit,&rdquo; Cirque du So Lame muttered. &ldquo;We should have just stayed at the prelube.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>22</sup>&ldquo;I&rsquo;m hungry,&rdquo; complained Slap a Bag of Dickz. Boner Malfunction nodded, and John Handcock took up the chant. &ldquo;Orange food. Orange food. ORANGE FOOD!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>23</sup>&ldquo;Are you going to let them treat me like this?&rdquo; Eat My Pussy complained to Hand Pump.</p>
<p><br />&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>24</sup>&ldquo;Tell them to look in the grocery bags.&rdquo; Hand Pump advised.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>25</sup>And Crabs and Tricrapylete pulled them open so that the pack pounced on the contents. Muff Daddy nodded approvingly at the melee. Deadbeat escaped with one Frito from the group.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>26</sup>And Millimeter Peter and Shaft quarreled with Eat My Pussy and said, &ldquo;Get us beer to drink.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>27</sup>And Eat My Pussy pled to Hand Pump, &ldquo;What am I to do? These people are ready to stone me.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>28</sup>But Hand Pump said, &ldquo;Well it is your job as hare to pour the down downs. Also, tap the keg, and beer shall pour forth from it."</p>
<p><br />&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">At Mount Sutro</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>29 </sup>Now Hand Pump came to Eat My Pussy and said, &ldquo;This is what you will tell your kennel. You have seen what I have done for you. If you heed my words and listen to my restrictions, out of all kennels you will prosper and shine. Go and ask the pack for their thoughts.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>30</sup>And Eat My Pussy relayed the message to the pack, Fuck Norris nodding while swallowing some Cheetos, while I Cunt Hear You plugged in his other earbud. &ldquo;Also,&rdquo; Eat My Pussy added, &ldquo;You must abstain from sexual relations for three days.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>31</sup>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s his hangup, not mine,&rdquo; Hand Pump muttered in the background.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>32</sup>And Eat My Pussy climbed up to the mount to receive Hand Pump&rsquo;s bidding:</p>
<p><br />&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><sup>33</sup>&ldquo;I am Hand Pump, your beermeister, who puts up with all of your bullshit:</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: -.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">I.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span>Thou shalt have no other Monday trails before SFH3.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: -.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">II.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span>Trail shalt be run by the pack for approximately one hour, it shall not be two, or three, but at the very most one.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: -.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">III.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span>Thou shalt set trail no longer than forty furlongs unless it is an eagle.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: -.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">IV.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span>Trail shall be marked well in flour or white chalk. Blue is verboten.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: -.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">V.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span>Trail shalt not rely on verbal hints but on clear marks specified in chalk talk.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: -.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">VI.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span>Thou shalt provide to thy kennel a map available for the easily confused and simpleminded. If not, thou shalt sweep the trail.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: -.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">VII.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span>Thou shalt keep the pack together through appropriate incorporation of checks, backchecks, and falses.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: -.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">VIII.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span>Thou shalt provide start, prelube, and on after information in a timely fashion no less than one week before trail.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: -.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">IX.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span>Thou shalt not murder.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: -.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">X.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span>Thou shalt cease being &lsquo;clever.&rsquo; I am HAND PUMP.&rdquo;</p>
<p><br />&nbsp;</p>
<p><sup>34</sup>And so Roman Showers enscribed the words of Hand Pump on a stone tablet, and Buck Fucka carried it on his back off the mountain.<br />&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><sup>35</sup>&ldquo;I&rsquo;m here! I&rsquo;m here!&rdquo; Vagina Dentata careened into the garage, arms stretched out for a full cup of beer. In his haste, he crashed into Buck Fucka, the stone tablet sliding from its perch on his backside and landing with a crash onto the ground. <sup>36</sup>It shattered into a million pieces, the words of Hand Pump forever gone from the kennel&rsquo;s grasp.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;"><sup>37</sup>&ldquo;Balls,&rdquo; said Eat My Pussy.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 25 Sep 2017 07:38:07 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/158http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/158
Just Doesn't Get It<p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It was a wonderfully warm night, the street bustling with people and packed with cars in every direction. A massive stork flew overhead and landed on a building, seeming almost as large as Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It. My driver pulled up to a pack of almost twenty people milling around outside the bar, a full half hour before the stated r*n time. I headed inside to pay Muff Daddy, receiving a piece of string to tie around my wrist.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> Despite the early hour, people were already drinking and enjoying themselves, Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It standing aside nervously in anticipation of how his trail would be received. He confided to Udder Moron that he had made it much shorter than last time, to which Udder Moron replied that he didn&rsquo;t think going under 15 seconds was possible.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As soon as the clock struck 6, Cockagami and Cockamole gathered the group together, Cockagami ruthlessly sniffing out a pair of new shoes from the crowd. A wise decision, as our trail would have left even the newest of footwear undetectable from the masses. After punishing the offender, Cockamole demanded to know the number of the r*n from the crowd. After receiving incorrect answers from not one, not two, but at least three hashers, she pronounced the correct r*n number to be 1871, though 69 would have been an acceptable alternative answer. With that, the pack was off, dashing down the street. The walkers ambled along, enjoying the clear night. A cow nonchalantly munched on grass at the side of the road, observing the hashers stream by in an almost endless mass.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">John Handcock and I sped down one turn, only to discover that a backcheck lay before us. He motioned me over to the side, and we hid in the bushes, only to see the majority of the pack was not fooled by our shenanigans. So we were off, back up the hill to the main road, Just Tony remarking about how much he loved mounting all the climbs. The trail again turned off to the right, with another backcheck, and again John Handcock and I tried to trick the pack, but once again not even Pepe Le Poop was taken in.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The group continued on to reach the first check, but instead of attempting to solve it The Perfect Woman directed the group into a lovely song about how a woman might attempt to please her man. The pack waited until everyone had regrouped, then continued on, voluntarily obeying the backchecks and other directions that had been laid for them by their hare. A police van rolled by, slowly passing the runners and walkers, young men holding their rifles by their sides as they watched the melee with grins.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Finally, we delighted in seeing the first beer check at the corner of the road. Just Michael and Just Daniel, enjoying their virgin experience, sipped on the beer from Uganda Brewing Company with glee. Douchicorn, unused to such an early beer check, nearly crushed his balls with the bottle in his excitement, but one refreshing gulp was well worth it. Just Pearl flew overhead in the falling light, and I pointed out Fuck Norris the beautiful sight with a tear in my eye. She nodded and escaped to get another beer before it could get any more awkward.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> With that, Buck Fucka took over for JDGI and directed the pack off once more, dividing us into a walkers&rsquo; route and a runners&rsquo; route again. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span>Fucker took a moment to run beside me, pointing out that we were running right past where our beer we drank tonight was made. Lake Victoria appeared in the distance, a wide expanse that stretched to the limits of one&rsquo;s sight. We turned and ambled further down the road, a vast distinction from the chaotic masses that I had traveled through to get to the hash and even quite distinct from the choked streets we had been running through before. It was only us on the road, a line of runners back and forth spanning to the next bend and beyond.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Trail betrayed us once more, already at least eight kilometers in and sloping upwards relentlessly. We finally found ourselves surrounded by people once again, small children waving and running beside us briefly. The light was falling into near complete darkness, only the headlights of the cars passing us illuminated the streets. I Cunt Hear You pulled out his phone, but Just Renata slapped it away from him for &lsquo;ruining the ambiance.&rsquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just when the pack was about to despair, and even Ru Ru Rimmin was begging for a break, the beer van appeared for the second beer check. Despite the late hour, and Primal Vagina asking me if I was okay with great concern, I was grinning harder than ever, enjoying the fine people and the warmth of dusk mixing with the arriving coolness of the night. Several people apologized to me for how long the trail was, a nice change from the comments about trails I usually hear.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Finally we made our way back to the bar, where Cockagami and Cockamole ran circle with an iron fist. Rent Whore pushed her virgin to the front to be recognized, while Just Caroline decided to make herself cum. Big Cock Chains and Just Joel, found to be talking too much, were hushed into submission with the application of beer. Finally, the RAs decided to give Six Tits A Week a hash birthday gift in the version of the hash shit&mdash;in the case, the hash shit was pouring all remaining down downs on Six Tits A Week. &ldquo;The best present I&rsquo;ve ever gotten,&rdquo; he said of the occasion with a tear in his eye.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Following circle, I was directed to the line of food where I received in exchange for my wrist band a boxed hot dinner consisting of rice, meat, and greens, which in addition to the fresh pineapple available immediately after the run, made my stomach sigh in contentment. Being driven home in the darkness, exhausted and elated, I found myself very glad to have made my way to the hash.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">**Apologies to the Kampala Hash House Harriers (should any of you ever read this) for using my time with you guys as my basis for the SFH3 hash trash, making it a fusion of my experiences and those reported back to me regarding the hometown shitshow-- though I have to say this is likely the most accurate trash I have ever written. Thanks for the experience, and a special thanks to Queenie for making sure I got the r*n info to make my way there!**</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 18 Sep 2017 09:07:53 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/157http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/157
Pepe Le Poop and Tuna on Top<p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think they might be onto us,&rdquo; Pepe Le Poop whispered to Tuna on Top at the drink check. Yessiryesshesfat was sipping a second delicious concoction, while Dual Tools was flexing gently in the breeze. Weekend at Abba&rsquo;s fainted at the sight. The only sound that broke the peace was that of Eat My Pussy sniffing around for the next mark&mdash;the rest of the group was content to enjoy the last light of the evening.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Onto trail? Well no, I&rsquo;m pretty sure we already lost Tricrapylete&rsquo;s secondhand virgin, but at least the pack will get to enjoy a weird domestic quasi-argument between two people they don&rsquo;t know. Most trails don&rsquo;t have that!&rdquo; Tuna on Top pointed out.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, no&hellip;&rdquo; he lowered his voice so that Weekend At Abba&rsquo;s could not overhear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>&ldquo;Tuna on Top&hellip; I&rsquo;m not really a schoolgirl.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Tuna on Top stared at him. &ldquo;You&rsquo;re &hellip; not.&rdquo; She thought quickly. &ldquo;This is bad, Pepe. This is real bad.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It is?&rdquo; he asked hesitantly. Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It took off spontaneously, and the rest of the pack followed, leaving them alone.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yeah, not really a schoolgirl?&rdquo; She whistled. &ldquo;That&rsquo;s big, man. This could get you banned for haring&hellip; like for life.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dick Ass Mother Fucker popped up behind them. &ldquo;What?! Banned from haring?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The two hares jumped. &ldquo;Nothing, nothing.&rdquo; Tuna on Top waved him off. &ldquo;I said banned from&hellip; snaring. Like playing snare drums. It&rsquo;s a metaphor.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No,&rdquo; DAMF shook his head. &ldquo;You said banned from haring. What is it? Tell me. I&rsquo;ll pay you. What can get you banned from haring?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Banned from haring?&rdquo; Circle Jerk popped up clutching DAMF&rsquo;s arm and nodding frantically,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>&ldquo;How?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The two hares shrunk away from them, unsure of what to say. Suddenly, a roar filled the air. Cheese Turd and his masked friend skidded to a stop in front of them, bicycles gleaming in the falling light. Cheese Turd adjusted the cuffs on his new leather jacket.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>&ldquo;These goons bothering you, little girls?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What&rsquo;s with your friend?&rdquo; Tuna on Top jutted her chin towards the man.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Him?&rdquo; Cheese Turd spat out a bit of tobacco. &ldquo;Name&rsquo;s Jim. He&rsquo;s like Rumplestiltskin. You guess his hash name? You win a prize.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Wash This Asshole,&rdquo; Do Her Well appeared, holding a tome. &ldquo;In the Trash of our Lord of <a href="/trashes/46">May 25<sup>th</sup>, 2015</a>, I quote fifth chapter, sixth verse: &lsquo;<span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Unfortunately we have a strict policy on unattended children&mdash;if you leave them alone, they will be given a hash name. We discovered Just Jim playing all by himself, and left him where we found him as Wash This Asshole.&rsquo;&rdquo;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Okay then, that was faster than I thought.&rdquo; Cheese Turd frowned. &ldquo;The prize is that we won&rsquo;t steal your firstborn,&rdquo; he announced magnanimously.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Gee, thanks,&rdquo; Do Her Well snorted.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Anyway, you chicks want to get out of here and into someplace more comfortable?&rdquo; Cheese Turd grinned at the hares again.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m not a schoolgirl!&rdquo; Pepe admitted tearfully. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m not even a girl at all!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Silence filled the clearing. Suddenly most of the pack was surrounding them, Roman Showers tutting scornfully while Backside Banger munched on some popcorn. I&rsquo;m Slurry grinned hazily, already having been to the keg several times.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Not a schoolgirl!&rdquo; Cockagami leapt forward. &ldquo;Um. You two, get those bikes out of here. You&rsquo;re blocking my view.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;Of what?&rdquo; challenged Cheese Turd.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Of myself!&rdquo; declared Cockagami.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That makes no sense.&rdquo; Fucker argued.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It doesn&rsquo;t have to make sense, it&rsquo;s Cockagami.&rdquo; Cockamole explained.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Not a schoolgirl!&rdquo; Cockagami declared. &ldquo;Next you&rsquo;re going to tell me that Dick Simmons isn&rsquo;t going to get me into Playgirl with those pictures he took.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> Gingervitis held back a laugh. The rest of the pack was silent.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Okay. We&rsquo;re learning a lot tonight. So what do our real schoolgirls think?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It takes a lot to be a schoolgirl,&rdquo; MUG started out.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;A skirt, a fancy looking top&hellip;&rdquo; continued Mary Tyler Whore.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;A sense of naivety&hellip;&rdquo; added The Perfect Woman.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Still being in an institutional educational system,&rdquo; Circle Jerk finished for them.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;When do they get to the part about vaginas?&rdquo; whispered Just Renata to Stinky Floss.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;They never stop on that,&rdquo; Stinky Floss answered.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;So how do you hold yourself as a schoolgirl, knowing all of that!&rdquo; Miss Delivery said accusingly.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m sorry!&rdquo; Pepe got down on his knees. &ldquo;Forgive me!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Wait just a second.&rdquo; The seas parted and Hand Pump emerged, followed closely by Hoseblower.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Now, both of us have quite a few years between us, and we have just added one more apiece.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And if we know anything,&rdquo; Hoseblower chimed in, &ldquo;It&rsquo;s that appearances can be deceiving. I&rsquo;ll have to tell you about that one trip to Florida sometime.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;If you work hard enough, and believe strongly enough,&rdquo; Hand Pump announced. &ldquo;You won&rsquo;t believe what you can achieve. You can even be beermeister to a bunch of racists half-minds!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s beautiful, man,&rdquo; Fuck Norris whispered to Dim Suck. Sir Spongebob SploogePants wiped away a tear.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;So I can be a schoolgirl?&rdquo; Pepe asked hesitantly.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hand Pump patted him on the back. &ldquo;You can be anything you want.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;For a price,&rdquo; Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring added.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Here&rsquo;s to our schoolgirl hares!&rdquo; Dickweed cheered. The pack answered back with a roar.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; font-family: Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 'ＭＳ 明朝'; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;">&ldquo;Huh,&rdquo; Muff Daddy remarked as they drifted off into the night. &ldquo;I guess the little schoolgirl was inside him all along.&rdquo;</span></p>Sun, 10 Sep 2017 22:24:43 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/156http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/156
Fucker<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;How did we get all the way out here?&rdquo; Just Christina asked, pausing for a second. Pepe Le Poop shrugged.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fuck Buddy grimaced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>&ldquo;It does seem quite a long way from the start.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s McLaren Park,&rdquo; Dick Ass Mother Fucker answered. &ldquo;Which all of you assholes would know&hellip; had you bothered to come to a Hand Pump Work Day. Look&mdash;over there is the blackberry we dug up. And over there is some more blackberry that we dug up.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And that over there?&rdquo; Do Her Well pointed. The group turned to see Douchicorn, Whorifist, and Resting Slut Face huddled intimately around Just Maverick on a slice of inflatable pizza. As one the pack winced and turned away.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;More blackberry?&rdquo; asked Oedipussy, trying to steer the conversation.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, fool,&rdquo; Cockamole laughed. &ldquo;Radish.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think that&rsquo;s pepperoni topping,&rdquo; Hoseblower said loudly, still looking at the three men and hapless canine. &ldquo;And that stringy white stuff looks like mozzarella!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Nevermind,&rdquo; ordered Fuck Norris loudly. &ldquo;Has anyone got a map?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This always happens when Hand Pump is gone,&rdquo; complained Roman Showers. &ldquo;Him having is own life? Expecting us to figure out where beer check is on our own? Psh.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Isn&rsquo;t Backside Banger manning the beer check?&rdquo; asked Ru Ru Rimmin.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yeah, just because we&rsquo;re married you think I have some sort of tracking device implanted in him?&rdquo; Roman Showers shot back. Her eyes narrowed in thought, and she slunk backwards into the darkness.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I know!&rdquo; declared Zippercised. &ldquo;Let&rsquo;s call Hand Pump!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Maybe if we run really fast&hellip;&rdquo; Just Conrad said slowly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s not how this works,&rdquo; Primal Vagina told him. &ldquo;That&rsquo;s not how any of this works.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The wind blew coldly, and an owl hooted in the darkness. Suddenly, the ground rumbled. &ldquo;Earthquake!&rdquo; yelled Tears of Semen, who dived and rolled straight into Got Wood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy screamed loudly as a bat flew into his hair. The ground sunk down slowly, Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It leaping just in time to the edge of the pit that was forming with most of the pack still inside.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Here, grab my arm!&rdquo; JDGI yelled, waving frantically at the people still in reach. <br /> <br /> &ldquo;You&rsquo;re too short!&rdquo; Vagina Dentata groused.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">JDGI slapped him on the cranium. &ldquo;Fuck you!&rdquo; He marched off. The ground sunk even lower.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Guys, I got ahold of Hand Pump!&rdquo; Zippercised yelled. &ldquo;Oh. Oh. I see.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>Guys, he&rsquo;s on vacation.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think we&rsquo;re trapped here,&rdquo; announced Tuna on Top. &ldquo;Great.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Just as you are supposed to be,&rdquo; Fucker&rsquo;s shadow was dim in the light of the waning moon. &ldquo;I discovered upon my last sojourn in McLaren Park. Besides being a great place for clandestine sex, dumping refrigerators, burying dead bodies, and exploring the newly paved pedestrian and cycling paths&hellip; it&rsquo;s ideal for storing live human beings. After a few nights of coyotes pissing on you, you&rsquo;ll be willing to do anything&hellip; and I mean anything &hellip; I say.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Coyote piss?&rdquo; Muff Daddy mused. &ldquo;The last time I went to a spa they were charging good money for that.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Um,&rdquo; Fucker appeared flabberghasted. He coughed. &ldquo;Besides, you&rsquo;re stuck down there with Just Maverick and his little friends.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dickgiorno clawed at the sides of the pit, I Cunt Here You leaping onto his shoulders, but both to no avail.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s right,&rdquo; Fucker laughed evilly. &ldquo;I&rsquo;ll give you some time to think it over.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But&hellip; but&hellip; can&rsquo;t we call Hand Pump?&rdquo; Zippercised clutched at his phone.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;For the final time, he&rsquo;s on vacation!&rdquo; Primal Vagina shouted. She lowered her voice. &ldquo;Besides&hellip; I think he might be in on it. He has been asking more people to turn out for work days&hellip; he&rsquo;ll have more than enough now.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Betty Cocker strolled over. &ldquo;Could these help?&rdquo; she asked the group.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s a bag of condoms!&rdquo; Douchicorn and Whorifist each grabbed one before making their way back over to the inflatable slice.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Maybe this bag of condoms could come in handy,&rdquo; Tears of Semen explained. &ldquo;If we can just inflate enough of them we could build a stairway out of here. But careful&hellip;.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">At one, everyone blew up a condom, and at once, everyone popped a condom.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But wait! Look up!&rdquo; Hoseblower yelled. They craned their necks to see the figure of Boxcar Willie rising upwards, inflated condom held aloft above him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But how?&rdquo; wondered Yessiryesshesfat.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;He believed in himself just enough,&rdquo; Tonya Hardon cried in wonder.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Or he keeps a full tank of helium on his person just in case,&rdquo; muttered Circle Jerk. &ldquo;I thought there was something extra in his pants.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What about the rest of us?&rdquo; yelped Vagina Dentata. &ldquo;What are we going to do?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Betty Cocker carved out a long tally mark in the side of the pit. &ldquo;Day one.&rdquo;<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>She threw the chalk away in disgust. &ldquo;Fuck.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A distant laugh was heard. &ldquo;No my dear&hellip; Fuck&mdash;er. Muahahahaha.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Postscript.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The pack was let out of the park approximately half an hour later by a park ranger, alerted by a concerned neighbor who had heard the howling from Just Maverick. Fucker received a $50 ticket for dumping which he bribed his way out of for $100, and the pack received beer.</p>Mon, 04 Sep 2017 11:13:24 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/155http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/155
Foxes in Socks (Cockamole, Twerxes Like Xerxes, Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring)<p>&ldquo;Oh the streets you will go,<br /><br />Oh the alleys you&rsquo;ll try,&rdquo;<br /><br />One fox said with a<br /><br />Twinkle in her eye.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;We&rsquo;ve got lots of virgins,<br /><br />We&rsquo;ve got Betty Cocker,<br /><br />A warm welcome to Just May,<br /><br />And Orville Redencocker.&rdquo;<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;So please join Cockamole,<br /><br />Twerxes and Sleazy,&rdquo;<br /><br />They smiled and winked.<br /><br />&ldquo;The trail? Why it&rsquo;s easy.&rdquo;<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />And so the pack left,<br /><br />Blessed well by Zipper&rsquo;<br /><br />Ocean Spray diving<br /><br />Around cars that would clip her.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />Down the stairs flew Pepe,<br /><br />Pushing Muggles left and right<br /><br />Rent Whore gasped,<br /><br />And Fucker flinched in fright.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />As they scrambled past Market,<br /><br />The pack chose to slow,<br /><br />To let Resting Slut Face and Douchicorn,<br /><br />Fight for Best Dog in Show.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />A decision was made,<br /><br />Stinky Floss called them on,<br /><br />If I&rsquo;m Drunk got ahead&mdash;<br /><br />The beer&hellip; would be gone.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />But turning a corner,<br /><br />Sir Menage quaked in fear,<br /><br />For as Got Wood pointed out,<br /><br />Beer was NOT near.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />Fuck Norris called for bravery,<br /><br />Reverse Schoolgirl took the chant,<br /><br />Perfect Woman gave the answer-<br /><br />Give up? Hashers can&rsquo;t.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />On the playground Ru Ru climbed,<br /><br />Hashers found their amusement,<br /><br />Dick Simmons snapped some pics.<br /><br />Muff Daddy looked on in bemusement.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />Then Hand Pump pulled through<br /><br />With whiskey and something pink,<br /><br />Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch and Handidicked<br /><br />Squeezed in for a drink.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />Gondolarrhea found solace<br /><br />In the bottom of his cup,<br /><br />The hashers drank<br /><br />Until the drinks were all up!<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />And onwards they flew,<br /><br />Shaft&rsquo;s feet were much lighter<br /><br />&ldquo;A song!&rdquo; Cried Do Her Well,<br /><br />Pulling Crabs in tighter.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />As they lauded San Francisco,<br /><br />Gloryhole shed a tear,<br /><br />&ldquo;&lsquo;Suck My Balls&rsquo; always gets me,<br /><br />Now fuck it&mdash;where&rsquo;s the beer?&rdquo;<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />To Chinatown they returned,<br /><br />And made a new friend,<br /><br />To Sewer Spewer, they toasted,<br /><br />His unfortunate end!<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />But onwards and upwards,<br /><br />A circle they needed,<br /><br />Before the resentment of Brown Eye<br /><br />Could be more deeply seeded.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />Cuming Mutha announced,<br /><br />Tear of Semen felt a tremor<br /><br />Why so excited?<br /><br />The Anti-Ranger Run&mdash;remember!<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />Crimes there were many,<br /><br />But memories were few,<br /><br />Mouth Down South was lauded,<br /><br />For an age that was new.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />And so trail was finished<br /><br />The hares let down their sockses,<br /><br />And the pack did applaud,<br /><br />Those foxes with boxes.</p>Mon, 21 Aug 2017 07:52:40 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/154http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/154
millimeter Peter<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"Is this usual?"</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">Just Kelly and Just Colleen looked at each other, at the crowd surrounding the top of Tank Hill, and back at their virgins. They could only shrug.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;"><br /> Millimeter Peter had pulled out a very large blueprint, and Udder Moron was helpfully standing on one corner to prevent the wind from picking it up, while Gobble My Ass was mentally calculating the time she would be left to chill on the barren rock. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span></span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"Can this go any faster?" she groused.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"Do you want John Handcock back safely?" Millimeter Peter barked back at her, and Allahu Aqbark yipped in agreement. After a long pause, she nodded.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">Circle Jerk wandered over. "Can I help?"</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">Muff Daddy handed him a bag of orange food. Hand Pump handed him the jockey box. Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring thrust the habardashery on top of the pile.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"I think the problem started when Ru Ru Rimmin left the cup on that old man's car," Uber Luber advised. "That's when the ... abnormalities started."</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"Like you weren't abnormal before," Ru Ru Rimmin retorted. </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"Before we jump to conclusions," millimeter Peter held up a hand. "Let's go over the events of the evening. John Handcock fell into an interdimensional rift. Someone must have noticed something."</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"I didn't see nothing," Masterbaster huffed. "The entire trail... up... up... up... then down. Good job guys, though. Well marked."</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"I saw Titty Boo Boo," Cunty Butler winked lasciviously. Chicken Bone Her gagged a little, before shoving them both into some bushes.</span></p>
<p><br />&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"Are your trails always this masochistic?" Helen Keller Handjob asked. "It was like I accidentally found a running club or something." Haha I Came First laughed, but she was the only one.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"They don't know what you're talking about," Minor 69er whispered to him. "They think they're normal."</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"I have lots of pictures," Dick Simmons said proudly. "But they need a bit of editing before they're ready for primetime. Give me a month."</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span>"We don't have time for that!" Mouth Down South commanded. "You! Tell me what you know."</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">No Shit shrugged. Shaft took a moment to refill his beer, draining the last of the keg, and Fucker decided immediately he was going to the bar.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span>"I saw Leo shortcutting!" Stinky Floss announced.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"Leo? You mean Brown Eye!" proclaimed Cockagami, at the exact moment Fuck Norris yelled, "That's Good Shit!"</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"Aha," millimeter Peter muttered. "The cause of the rift. Now, time to build my retrieval device. Tools!"</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">Dual Tools stood at attention. "Ready for action, boss."</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"Assemble my materials!"</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">Dual Tools nodded, and snatched Douchicorn's Glutard book, Reverse Schoolgirl's stuffed lion, and Jizzard.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;"><br /> "Need this?" Whorifist held up a single sandle.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"No, that's useless." millimeter Peter studied his plans. "Got Wood?"</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"He's at the bar, mate. Whaddaya need?" Cuming Mutha dragged Weiner I Am over for assistance.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"Get Resting Slut Face's shirt off. Now what shall we hold this all together with?"</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span>"I've got a bunch of tiny pricks on my ass," Bitch Pimp offered.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"Perfect," millimeter Peter declared, and soon he had assembled his monstrosity. Somehow, glowing LED lights had appeared, possibly from Rent Whore's purse, decorating the frame of a bicycle built for two. The stuffed giraffe made up one frame, while Jizzard made up the other, and Resting Slut Face's shirt padded the seats nicely. The pedals turned slowly. If one looked closely one could see the Gluten-free movement was providing the power.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"For me?" Wee Wee declared. "It's the best birthday gift I've ever gotten! Perfect for Burning Man!"</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span>"What about John Handcock?" wondered The Perfect Woman.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"If the world's best scientists haven't figured out interdimensional travel, why on earth would the hash be able to manage it?" Do Her Well replied. "Besides, Tricrapylete left some milk out for him, and Ocean Spray set up a distress wail so he knows we're thinking of him."</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"I'm sure he's off playing in the fields somewhere," Sir Menage-a-lot added. "He's in a much better place, really."</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">"That's what my parents said when my dog had to go to that farm," Cirque du So Lame remarked. "Oh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>Oh no." </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.5pt; font-family: Times;">The End</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 14 Aug 2017 08:09:26 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/153http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/153
Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy & My Little Porno<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Can you pour me some of that beer?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Cousins Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy and My Little Porno have been staking out San Francisco, California, while they are on the hunt for their very own tiny trail to host. They&rsquo;ve traveled through the Dogpatch and Noe Valley, and have seen several interesting places where they might settle in, but they&rsquo;re looking for something just right for them. Today, Tonya Hardon is helping them tour Glen Park in the hopes that they&rsquo;ll find the perfect spot to call their own, all within their $50 dollar budget of course.</em></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well, our musts are some great views, and it has to be pet friendly or else Slap A Bag of Dickz will have a cow.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;I thought he had a dog?&rdquo; Gondalerrhea popped up beside My Little Porno.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Her eyes went wide. &ldquo;This is a surprise! Shoo!&rdquo; He disappeared into Glen Park Station.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&ldquo;Well, I&rsquo;d like to begin by taking you to this nice little start near the BART station. Easily navigable, even Raspukin will have no problem getting here,&rdquo; Tonya Hardon gestured to the parking lot.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&ldquo;What about the No Parking signs?&rdquo; Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy frowned. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m not sure I can live with a start without decent parking.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&ldquo;Yes, that&rsquo;s on our No list for sure.&rdquo; My Little Porno chimed in.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&ldquo;Well, what if I told you that the No Parking signs convert into Free Beer signs?&rdquo; Tonya Hardon.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;They do?&rdquo; both hares exclaimed.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, but what if I told you that?&rdquo; Tonya Hardon tittered. &ldquo;But for an extra $10,000 we can have Muff Daddy frighten the tow trucks and the miscreants away.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No,&rdquo; My Little Porno sighed. &ldquo;I like hanging out with Deadbeat, and it&rsquo;s not in our budget.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;Okay, well let&rsquo;s continue. Close your eyes, and just imagine&mdash;all of your closest friends gathered together here, enjoying good conversation and good beer. Look&mdash;there&rsquo;s Dick Ass Mother Fucker sharing some chips with Fuck Buddy. Oh, and he&rsquo;s licking his fingers&hellip; and going back in for more. Look, look, over there that&rsquo;s Do Her Well kicking a maxipad at Pepe Le Poop. Such fun. And over there, that&rsquo;s One Night Only drinking half a pint and Cockamole drinking a quarter. Oooh, there&rsquo;s Discuntled feeding Douchicorn some Oreos&mdash; is he allowed to have chocolate? Isn&rsquo;t it poisonous for Douchicorns?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;ve got to say you&rsquo;ve got quite an imagination&mdash; &rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No! Sister Fister, look out!&rdquo; Tonya Hardon had her hands clenched with her eyes still closed. &ldquo;Oh, Allahu Aqbark, your poor paw. And I think her foot is broken.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">After a brief interlude in which Tonya Hardon also relates an episode in which Cowlick and Shaft are found in the bushes with Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It&hellip; and some wasps&hellip; the trio continue to another area of the neighborhood.</em></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;So what else comes with this trail?&rdquo; asked Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Let me just show you this set of stairs over here to this loft.&rdquo; Tonya Hardon perched a ladder precariously on the side of a cliff.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This is such a great view!&rdquo; Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy looked up towards the moon. &ldquo;I can almost see Millimeter Peter!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp; </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hey neighbor!&rdquo; Captain Organ rolled up besides them. &ldquo;Looking to move into the area?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp; </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, Tonya Hardon was just showing us around.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;How nice.&rdquo; Captain Organ&rsquo;s grin was a little menacing. &ldquo;Wouldn&rsquo;t want you to get into any trouble around here.&rdquo; He nodded over to Fucker and Skid Mark, standing by the street corner and snapping their fingers menacingly. &ldquo;Lots of HOAs in the area,&rdquo; he added. Tricrapylete lit a citronella candle, while Got Wood carefully trimmed some hedges, and Wash This Asshole watered a succulent.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Er, what was that?&rdquo; Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy frowned.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;HOAs!&rdquo; Roman Showers popped up besides him. &ldquo;No big deal, you just have to take over the board quietly, have Hand Pump as your right hand man&mdash;they won&rsquo;t even notice he doesn&rsquo;t live there&mdash;and then enact whatever legislation you want. I got Backside Banger banned from our neighborhood once as an April Fool&rsquo;s Prank!&rdquo; She disappeared.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Okay, moving on!&rdquo; Tonya Hardon pulled them down the road. &ldquo;Let me show you where they keep the bathroom in this place!&rdquo; She pulled aside a bush, jumped back when she saw The Perfect Woman, looked for a long second, and then grinned widely. &ldquo;Nevermind,&rdquo; she said through her teeth. &ldquo;Well, what do you think?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy and My Little Porno have a big decision to make, and they&rsquo;re short on time. With several visitors like Toys for Twats and Penis Fly Trap headed to the area, and transplants like Dim Suck about to give up on the hash altogether, they&rsquo;ve got to make the call.</em></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well, I did like the Dogpatch start, I don&rsquo;t think it&rsquo;s good enough for the hash. With Whorifist and Titty Boo Boo celebrating their birthdays, it&rsquo;s got to be something special.&rdquo; Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy was thumbing through some generic photographs artfully.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But the Noe Valley start is almost too good&mdash;Buck Fucka would be bored, and if Handidicked or Dickgiorno really let loose the cops would be called for sure.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;So we&rsquo;re going with Glen Park?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My Little Porno nodded. &ldquo;We&rsquo;re going with Glen Park. It has the drink check that Mouth Down South likes, the shiggy for Primal Vagina, and I&rsquo;m sure Big Cock Chains can get at least one virgin to come.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Two weeks later, and the hares are all settled into their trail. Sir Sponge Bob Splooge Pants and Just Valentina are sitting next to Miss Delivery and Cunty Butler, toasting to the night with pinkies raised. Twerxes Like Xerxes is trying her best to fit the hashshit into her new lunchbox, while Vagina Dentata is looking on jealously. Dickweed and I Cunt Hear You are toasting marshmallows by the fire in the trash can, while Pole Her Bare is describing her next glamping trip.</em></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Totally worth going $50,000 over budget,&rdquo; Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy sighed.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What!?&rdquo; screeched Do Her Well.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Join us next week on Tiny Trail Hunters, featuring Millimeter Peter, where at least </em>one<em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> thing is guaranteed to be small!</em></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 07 Aug 2017 08:14:31 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/152http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/152
Sarah Cunter, Tongue Jury, & Just Devon<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We&rsquo;ve had it up to here&mdash;&ldquo; Masterbaster gestured around the height of Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It&rsquo;s cranium. &ldquo;The number of shitty trails have been increasing. Do Her Well, pull out the chart. No, the other one.&rdquo; Do Her Well slowly put away her anatomy book, and pulled out a page torn from a notebook with thick red crayon lines scrawled across.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hasher confidence in hares is plummeting, drunkenness is stable if anything, and depravity is at an all time low&hellip; er high&hellip; er, whichever one is bad for us.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;So, we&rsquo;ve found a solution,&rdquo; Do Her Well twirled around and fell on her ass. She continued, unperterbed, &ldquo;Presenting our hare, Just Devon! She comes straight from elementary school, armed with the chalk she stole from teacher&mdash;out of the mouths of babes, you know&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Babes? I love babes,&rdquo; Muff Daddy cried with glee.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No!&rdquo; Mouth Down South poked him. &ldquo;That&rsquo;s very, very illegal!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m only safe for work between 9 and 10 AM on Wednesdays,&rdquo; Zippercised complained.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I can&rsquo;t even manage that,&rdquo; Cockagami boasted.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Guys, we just have to make the most of this, this thing that&rsquo;s going on,&rdquo; Wee Wee gestured wildly. &ldquo;If we just mind our tongues and&hellip; oh skittles, Brown Eye&rsquo;s peeing in the bushes again!&rdquo; Thinking quickly she lifted her shirt to block the view.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;How was that any better?&rdquo; wondered Udder Moron.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;From my perspective it was,&rdquo; argued My Little Porno, and everyone else muttered agreement.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Besides, everyone knows-- <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span>tits are for kids!&rdquo; Dick Ass Mother Fucker raised his glass.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Okay, everyone here needs to calm the fuck down,&rdquo; Sarah Cunter held her hands up. &ldquo;Just Devon here was raised by me and Tongue Jury&mdash;veteran hashers, I&rsquo;ll have you know&mdash;and she has been trained from a young age to set cunning trails which will befuddle and confound even the cleverest of hounds. So now you all have your chance to test your wit and find out&mdash;are you smarter than a first grader?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Definitely not!&rdquo; Douchicorn bellowed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I wasn&rsquo;t even smart enough to do a marathon drinking session rather than a marathon running session this weekend!&rdquo; Lizzardo announced.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m only half as dumb as this guy, and that&rsquo;s not saying much,&rdquo; Miss Delivery added.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I had one job, and one job only, and that was to keep my virgins out of my new shoe supply,&rdquo; Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy cried. &ldquo;Oops.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hold my beer while I run in traffic,&rdquo; Pepe Le Poop declared. Millimeter Peter did, and then promptly drank most of it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We&rsquo;ve been doing this hashing thing for longer than some of you have been alive,&rdquo; Cuming Mutha and On All Fours declared.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Is this some sort of stupid competition?&rdquo; Chicken Bone Her asked Fuck Norris.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s always a competition!&rdquo; yelled Stinky Floss.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well it&rsquo;s our birthdays,&rdquo; Fucker and Shaft linked arms. &ldquo;And we can win if we want to.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cheeseturd applauded, and even I Cunt Hear nodded at their words. However, before the roar of the crowd could die down, Weekend at Abba&rsquo;s and Reverse Schoolgirl were shoved aside violently by the hasher that strode forth confidently from the masses. Whorifist gasped, and Big Cock Chains could not even lift his eyes in the man&rsquo;s presence.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And as the holder of the hashshit&mdash; &ldquo; Good Shit Lollicock paused for maximum drama. &ldquo;I declare myself the winner of this stupid contest!&rdquo; He raised the wooden cock high.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Huh, I guess he has a point,&rdquo; Cockamole agreed after a beat. Boxcar Willie, not accustomed to the glory of the hashshit, had to be consoled by her in the corner.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Goodshit continued to wave it above him. &ldquo;I now declare this trail&mdash; agh!&rdquo; Just Maverick, drawn by the waggling object, had leapt from Resting Slut Face&rsquo;s grasp and attacked the hash shit. The pair went down in a tangle of fur, paws, and teeth.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well, it&rsquo;s past our bedtime anyway,&rdquo; Whorifist remarked to Wash This Asshole. &ldquo;Wanna be my teddy bear?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End</p>Mon, 31 Jul 2017 09:07:45 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/151http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/151
Cuming Mutha, On All Fours, Don't tell my wife about my Big Cock Chains<p class="MsoNormal">Once upon a time, there was a small town on the coast of the sea whose villagers were, to a man, fair and good. However, the women were another story.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The townsfolk had been plagued by the debaucherous and lusty creatures for years, and one by one all men, a time or another, had been led astray. Finally the good and proper Cuming Mutha, a wise man indeed, had had enough.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">He conferred with his fair wife One All Fours (who was only occasionally lusty and debaucherous), and their good friend Don&rsquo;t Tell My Wife About The Big Cock Chains, and they came up with a plan. The next evening, they left bread and milk by the front doorstep (On All Fours slipped out the nip of whiskey later), and sure enough, the next morning they were greeted by the good fairy Eat My Pussy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well?&rdquo; he said, snapping his wand at them and fluffing golden curls. &ldquo;What is it?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And so Cuming Mutha explained how time and time again Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring had been brunching with the young men of the town, how Weekend At Abba&rsquo;s had arranged sleepovers where far too much candy and ice cream were consumed, how Sister Fister had been teaching some of them to box. How even the most upstanding citizens like the Good Shit Lollicock were showing up hungover to work, how the local bars were now full of Snot Rag and Cheese Turd at hours as early as 7 PM, how Shaft had even started a local gossip blog with Cowlick.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Ugh, enough,&rdquo; Eat My Pussy clapped his hands. &ldquo;I will solve this problem as I solve all problems.&rdquo; He paused dramatically. &ldquo;By holding great, big balls! Minor 69er!&rdquo; With a flash his fairy godfriend appeared at his side, decked in her finest red gown. &ldquo;Befit these townsfolk in your finest dresses at once!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Scarcely could one&rsquo;s eyes believe the scene at Aquatic Park that Monday evening. The women, who on most evenings could be found sweating and flushed in the most used and beer-stained exercise gear available, for once were the belles of the ball in red, and the men had taken after their example. Douchicorn and Resting Slut Face curtsied and then winked at each other as they spied the more revealing parts of their gowns. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span>Rogue Cow grinned as Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch told him how slimming red was on him, while Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch himself blushed when Chicken Bone Her complimented him on his industrial look.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The rumors of their finery had brought OrieAnal Express in on the quickest train into town, where he was greeted with merry cries from Roman Showers and Pole Her Bare. Just Emily had eschewed birthday celebrations in favor of the party, Blowfish had decided the whole thing <em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">was</em> her birthday party, while Just David, guided by the whispers from his mother into the group&rsquo;s embrace, had found that Mother Blows Best.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This is not working!&rdquo; Cuming Mutha groused. &ldquo;The boys are trying to figure out how many of them can fit under Just Get It Over With&rsquo;s gown&mdash; &ldquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, Vagina Dentata is still poking out&hellip;&rdquo; On All Fours retorted.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think Ru Ru Rimmin and Do Her Well are shooting for a porno magazine&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Only if it&rsquo;s for a clientele made of seagulls, dear&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And someone let Cirque du So Lame near those teenagers!&rdquo; he hissed. &ldquo;Scarred for life, those poor lasses. We are just continuing a cycle of abuse.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s nothing,&rdquo; Lost In Foreskin bragged. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m gonna recycle this story I have about my red dress for the fourth time&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s it!&rdquo; Cuming Mutha&rsquo;s mustache* bristled. &ldquo;I&rsquo;ve had enough. We&rsquo;re not here to fuck spiders.&rdquo; Muff Daddy&rsquo;s eyes widened in excitement. Cuming Mutha continued, &ldquo;This was supposed to correct the lewd and lascivious behavior plaguing our city, and it just fucking hasn&rsquo;t.&rdquo; He scrambled on top of a precipice. &ldquo;Oi, wankers-- you want debauchery? Come and get it!&rdquo; With that he ran away, and instinctually the crowd gave chase.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Yessiryesshesfat was first to dash after him, followed quickly by Miss Delivery and Sir Menage A Lot. It was Ocean Spray, though, who almost got the drop on the crafty Cuming Mutha near Pier 39, but she was led astray by the high-pitched cries of Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It. Just Diane was quick to turn in the correct direction, but she paused because she decided she&rsquo;d much rather run behind Cockamole than ahead of her.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It was Boner Malfunction who gripped the squirming Cuming Mutha at last, finding the bag of goodies he&rsquo;d stashed in the folds of his gown. The crowd dived in and gobbled the snacks up, Wrinklepecker smacking his lips and Tricrapylete wrestling the last portion away from Tears of Semen.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Aha!&rdquo; Cuming Mutha chortled. &ldquo;That was caviar and spam! Just you try kissing on someone now!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Mouth Down South winked at him and grabbed Squeal 4 Me. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m sure we&rsquo;ll figure something out.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Egad!&rdquo; Cuming Mutha shook his fist in the air. &ldquo;Will nothing stop these fools!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fuck Buddy put a kind arm around his shoulder. &ldquo;You can&rsquo;t change people who don&rsquo;t want to be changed.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, we wanna be changed,&rdquo; Whorifist winked at him. &ldquo;Into something more comfortable.&rdquo; Primal Vagina took charge of slapping him this time.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yeah man,&rdquo; Buck Fucka proclaimed. &ldquo;Sometimes you just gotta let it go.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The beer never bothered me anyway,&rdquo; Cuming Mutha agreed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">He allowed Meh and Fuck Norris to lead him away. Back Wash frowned at the Jello Shot booby trap Cuming Mutha had set to disable the hashers, electing to disarm it by pointing No Shit and Boob Slap at it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cuming Mutha looked up as they entered a cool, dark space. &ldquo;Oh my,&rdquo; he said. &ldquo;What a big warehouse you have.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;All the better to store beer in it, my dear,&rdquo; Hand Pump appeared at his shoulder, leading him towards the van.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, my, what big kegs of beer you have,&rdquo; Cuming Mutha stroked one gently.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;All the better to inebriate you with, my dear,&rdquo; Cockulus Oculus batted her eyelashes.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, my!&rdquo; he replied. &ldquo;What new shoes you have!&rdquo; He pointed at IDK My BFF Scott.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;All the better to drink beer out of!&rdquo; She gulped in reply.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, my,&rdquo; Cuming Mutha gasped, looking up. &ldquo;What a big ship you have!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;All the better to dock with you, my dear,&rdquo; Backside Banger patted his arm.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Enough! Eww!&rdquo; Eat My Pussy appeared with a flash. &ldquo;This has gotten completely out of hand.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yeah, this is utterly ridiculous,&rdquo; Just Jana groused. &ldquo;This entire fucking trash is like a deranged fairy tale, but there is no plot and no moral to the story. Nothing is the truth, and it&rsquo;s lasting longer than the last time I got laid, with even more chafing.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What are you talking about?&rdquo; Good Handjob For Humanity answered her. &ldquo;Of course there are morals, it&rsquo;s like the time Cum Guzzling Cockaholic leapt a security fence, injured his elbow and then didn&rsquo;t see a doctor about it, and is now willing to do <em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all </em>the household chores I ask. Let&rsquo;s just say I reward well for his efforts.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What&rsquo;s the moral there?&rdquo; wondered Cosmic Pussy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Let sleeping fences lie,&rdquo; Sheep Style answered. &ldquo;And never tell a hasher the truth about what you&rsquo;ve done, especially if you&rsquo;re married to them.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Scrubbing Bubbles nodded, holding up a small baby. &ldquo;Look, I just found this on trail today. It&rsquo;s my Trail Treasure.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And if you do tell someone what you&rsquo;ve done, it better be good,&rdquo; Cockagami glared at Twerxes Like Xerxes. &ldquo;In fact, you sound pretty disgruntled, Just Jana.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Damn right I am!&rdquo; she retorted, eyes not leaving his face.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cockagami grabbed at Eat My Pussy&rsquo;s wand. &ldquo;Well I hereby declare you Discuntled On The Edge!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No!&rdquo; Red Hot Vagina gasped in horror. Just Lauren dived to the outskirts of circle, hiding from Cockagami&rsquo;s lustful gaze.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;What have you done, Cockagami!&rdquo; Eat My Pussy shrieked. &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t you know&hellip; that for each action, there&rsquo;s an equal and opposite rea---bbit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp; </span>Ribbit.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> And they all turned into frogs.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The end.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9.0pt;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">*That&rsquo;s Blossom for you.</span></span></p>Mon, 24 Jul 2017 10:42:20 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/150http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/150
The Perfect Woman and Pepe Le Poop<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hello, and welcome to Brown Eye&rsquo;s Super Sexy Times Hotline.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You thinking about changing that name?&rdquo; The Perfect Woman asked after he heard the receiver slam down. <br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> <!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s like Nigerian scam emails, I&rsquo;m selecting for the perfect clientele,&rdquo; Brown Eye retorted. &ldquo;Besides, what do you care?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Uh, he invested like 2 million Euros,&rdquo; Pepe Le Poo shot back from his place lounging on the sofa.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yeah, about that,&rdquo; The Perfect Woman said a tad too casually. &ldquo;See, I never really explained where the money came from, and well&hellip; it turns out some of her other businesses are not doing so hot either&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What.&rdquo; Brown Eye said flatly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Porno wants what&rsquo;s hers!&rdquo; Pepe Le Poo squealed with glee. &ldquo;And she&rsquo;s going to send her bruisers to get it!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t know why you&rsquo;re so happy about,&rdquo; The Perfect Woman muttered. &ldquo;We put you down as collateral.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No!&rdquo; Pepe Le Poo clutched his chest. &ldquo;Hand Pump I can deal with, but that Muff Daddy guy scares me.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It doesn&rsquo;t matter,&rdquo; Brown Eye looked into the distance so he didn&rsquo;t have to see the mold growing on the kitchen wall. &ldquo;I have a plan.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">***</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The trio stumbled into a dark and musty entryway off of a pee-soaked alley somewhere in Hayes Valley. &ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t even know they had places like this in this neighborhood&hellip;&rdquo; muttered Pepe Le Poo. &ldquo;Just like home!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Password?&rdquo; asked a voice from the darkness.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, we&rsquo;re not customers,&rdquo; Brown Eye explained.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The voice said something in a language they didn&rsquo;t understand. &ldquo;Excuse moi?&rdquo; Pepe Le Poo asked. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m international and this doesn&rsquo;t even make sense to me.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">On All Fours popped up besides them. &ldquo;Hi there! Looks like you need a translator!&rdquo; She exclaimed after removing her ball gag. &ldquo;Cuming Mutha said you can&rsquo;t enter without a password. Aussie&rsquo;s only!&rdquo; She turned when the door opened again. &ldquo;Oh, hi Just Christina. Just Erin!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Vegemite!&rdquo; The two said in unison after nodding at On All Fours. Cuming Mutha let them in.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;You see, we&rsquo;re just trying to help your business grow. Have you thought about expanding your market a bit? Maybe just to Kiwis at first?&rdquo; Brown Eye wheedled.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Blasphemy!&rdquo; Cuming Mutha rose from his perch, which turned out to be a toilet.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Blasphemy!&rdquo; On All Fours translated. She flushed the toilet, and the three men stared at the water whirling the opposite direction. After a bit of nausea, they blinked as a door opened and sunlight streamed in.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What are we doing on Twin Peaks?&rdquo; wondered Pepe Le Poo.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;With that teleportation technology they could take over the world!&rdquo; The Perfect Woman exclaimed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;They can&rsquo;t even sell a sex dungeon,&rdquo; muttered Brown Eye. &ldquo;Moving on&hellip; oh look who&rsquo;s here!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> They turned and stared at the photoshoot happening in front of them. Do Her Well was thrusting her hips forward, Eat My Pussy right beside her, both enhancing their&hellip; assets with the help of some carefully placed chalk. Dick Simmons was serving as photographer, and Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It was providing inspiration with his own thumb-dickie.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Almost got it&hellip; almost got it.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think it&rsquo;d look better if she was wearing a burqa,&rdquo; Brown Eye advised. Dick Simmons looked up, distracted, just as Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy leapt into the scene.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Fuck you,&rdquo; Primal Vagina muttered, from where she was perfectly silhouetted against the background skyline of San Francisco. &ldquo;You ruined the moment.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And the moment was?&rdquo; The Perfect Woman wondered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Our audience craves a certain kind of satisfaction,&rdquo; Dick Simmons explained.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Chalk dildos?&rdquo; Pepe Le Poo suggested.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, fool,&rdquo; Primal Vagina frowned. &ldquo;Men and women with chalk dildos with a backdrop of a woman in front of a skyline being photobombed by a man with long hair. Circle Jerk prepaid for an exclusive cut, and now we have to start all over again.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Look, we&rsquo;re just trying to help you out. I&rsquo;m sure that Porno is breathing down your necks too&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Only for us to produce more and more product,&rdquo; Do Her Well sniffed. &ldquo;You&rsquo;ll find if you check our books we&rsquo;re doing quite well. Besides, let&rsquo;s just say that Gondolerrhea was particularly pleased when she dipped her toes in our business. Don&rsquo;t put your failings on us. I have called your little sex hotline before&hellip;&rdquo; she grinned at Brown Eye&rsquo;s shocked face. &ldquo;Oh yes I have, and let me just say that you&rsquo;re erratic, inconsistent, and you frankly are apt to just lose people in the entire scene. I let Mouth Down South and Twerxes listen in, and I found them gibbering to themselves in Golden Gate Park afterwards. You&rsquo;ve got some brilliant moments here and there, guys, but frankly&hellip; it needs work.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You know what I say to that?&rdquo; Brown Eye started.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Whorifist, dear?&rdquo; Primal Vagina turned away. &ldquo;Do you think you could make me a sandwich?&rdquo;<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> <!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Brown Eye was still sputtering even after they got off of Twin Peaks.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;One more stop,&rdquo; he said when he regained his ability to speak. They were just outside the dog park at Corona Heights.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Tickets please?&rdquo; Resting Slut Face placed a strong hand on Brown Eye&rsquo;s chest.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Sure!&rdquo; The Perfect Woman pulled out three passes from his pocket.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;We shouldn&rsquo;t be paying them!&rdquo; Pepe Le Poo cried. &ldquo;We&rsquo;re here to help them.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I had to be on a waiting list for these things, and Douchicorn would have gotten them if I hadn&rsquo;t taken measures,&rdquo; The Perfect Woman hissed as they walked through the fence. &ldquo;Good Shit is even selling binoculars from on top of that house over there,&rdquo; he pointed upwards.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Good Shit owns that house?&rdquo; asked Pepe Le Poo.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Of course not.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">By then they had made their way through the fence and could only stare at the circus before their eyes. Allahu Aqbark was lying on a platform and Masterbaster was devotedly fanning him and feeding him treats. Tonya Hardon was rubbing her pooch&rsquo;s paws, while Stinky Floss was letting Public Enema roll in all the mud that he could find. On the sidelines, Fucker&rsquo;s eyes were going misty with affection, while Three Fingers could barely stop himself from reaching out to touch the dogs. Sister Fister slapped his hand gently with a leather strap.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You wanted to help?&rdquo; Cockamole came over while counting a big roll of ones. Reverse Schoolgirl had been trying to put them in the dogs&rsquo; collars, which was largely unappreciated by the canines but was definitely enjoyed by upper management. &ldquo;We&rsquo;ve got a job for the three of you.&rdquo; She nodded at the piles of doggie doo doo that lined the field.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No!&rdquo; screamed Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring. &ldquo;Let me! Let me!&rdquo; But before she could reach the plastic bags Cockamole was holding, I Cunt Here You shoved her aside. He leaned down to pick one up, but Sleazy jumped on his back and ripped out his earbuds.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No!&rdquo; cried I Cunt Here You, going down in a pile with her. Ru Ru Rimmin used to moment of distraction to grab the bags and take off towards the nearest pile.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Sometimes serving others provides the greatest of pleasures,&rdquo; Cockamole explained to their befuddled faces. &ldquo;And serving man&rsquo;s best friend? Priceless.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well actually there is a price,&rdquo; Resting Slut Face chimed in. &ldquo;Seven dollars.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Look guys,&rdquo; Cockamole said, taking pity on them. &ldquo;We all know that Hand Pump is going to remove at least one of your kneecaps, and Muff Daddy&hellip;&rdquo; she shuddered. &ldquo;But there is someone that we believe can help.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Udder Moron?&rdquo; called Resting Slut Face. &ldquo;Lead the way for them, please.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Why do I have to do everything?&rdquo; grumbled the man before grabbing three leashes for the trio. &ldquo;Company policy,&rdquo; he explained.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Thirty minutes later they reached Duboce Park, because Udder Moron had a long conversation with Crabs and Gloryhole, had stopped for a slice of pizza with Dick Ass Mother Fucker, and then Pepe Le Poop wouldn&rsquo;t go on the side of a fire hydrant and insisted that they find an actual restroom. (&ldquo;Why didn&rsquo;t you go earlier?&rdquo; hissed Brown Eye).</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sitting down on a park bench in Duboce Park, they carefully didn&rsquo;t look around when a shadow loomed over them.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I hear you&rsquo;re interested in my services,&rdquo; MUG spoke after a good five minutes of silence. &ldquo;You know Cockagami has wanted exclusive use&mdash;why should I just hand this over?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Six point nine percent return on investment,&rdquo; Brown Eye offered. &ldquo;And free sex hotline services for life.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You don&rsquo;t even know what she has!&rdquo; The Perfect Woman protested. They shut up for a moment as Rent Whore walked by.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, it&rsquo;s good. And ew, I don&rsquo;t want your services,&rdquo; MUG muttered. &ldquo;Got Wood has been testing the new formula on some unsuspecting subjects, and even Deadbeat ponied up for more. Millimeter Peter defaced public property for Wee Wee after a round with us. And I&rsquo;d never seen Just Jana laugh so hard. Six Tits a Week can&rsquo;t wait until he&rsquo;s not pregnant anymore to try it out.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well with those voices of authority, how can we resist,&rdquo; Brown Eye said sarcastically.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You certainly don&rsquo;t have a choice any longer,&rdquo; My Little Porno popped up behind them. Everyone in the group jumped at once. Muff Daddy cackled, and everyone jumped a second time.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;MUG, you know you have no rights to the intellectual property you&rsquo;ve developed while you&rsquo;re under contract with me, and frankly I think this is the only idea that can save this shitshow of an investment I made. What can I say, I was drunk.&rdquo; Porno chuckled. &ldquo;And now, all of your clients will be too.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m confused,&rdquo; The Perfect Woman admitted.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Miss Delivery?&rdquo; Porno commanded. He wheeled a chalkboard over, and Rhythm Method started sketching out some complex diagrams. After she finished drawing the last sexual position, MUG sighed and began drawing some actual science shit.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Alcohol can now be transmitted through the telephone,&rdquo; MUG explained. &ldquo;Let me demonstrate.&rdquo; She whipped out her cell phone.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A few feet over, Boob Slap picked up. She listened intently, and began giggling. &ldquo;Party line!&rdquo; She yelled, waving her phone and stumbling drunkenly over Fuck Norris. After keying in a few digits, she cried out. &ldquo;Handidicked! Check this out! I can get you drunk just by talking to you!&rdquo; A pause. &ldquo;Well, don&rsquo;t get mad at me because you&rsquo;re playing a game of Operation. Oh an actual operation? Oops.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You see,&rdquo; My Little Porno concluded. &ldquo;The ultimate solution to a project headed by you three? We just get everyone wasted. It&rsquo;s foolproof.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End</p>Mon, 17 Jul 2017 08:56:27 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/149http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/149
Gloryhole<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Order! I will have order in my court! Settle down or get out.&rdquo; The judge banged her gavel several times. Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring harrumphed and went outside to continue her conversation with Six Tits a Week, and My Little Porno made a move to follow her before her lawyer cautioned her to stay.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We have in the docket the US Government versus My Little Porno,&rdquo; Muff Daddy announced.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The judge nodded, &ldquo;Opening arguments from the prosecution?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just as Buck Fucka rose from the prosecution&rsquo;s bench, Pole Her Bare burst into the court room. &ldquo;What are you doing?!&rdquo; she hissed as she grabbed his shoulder. &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t you have any moral standards?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;They&rsquo;re paying me a massive consulting fee for this? &rdquo; he replied, shrugging. &ldquo;And the judge gives at least hour long lunch breaks to keep the jury happy, usually I only get a half hour and that&rsquo;s if the bears haven&rsquo;t gotten into the dumpsters again.&rdquo; Pole Her Bare just stared at him. &ldquo;Porno&rsquo;s ok with it,&rdquo; he added. &ldquo;If I don&rsquo;t get her off I&rsquo;ll be sure to give a good word to the parole board.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Enough!&rdquo; the judge banged the gavel again. &ldquo;We spent enough time arguing over jury selection. Rearranging around Ska Skank&rsquo;s concert schedule has postponed things for at least a month, and if we keep going this will be literally the trial of the decade.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m not apologizing for that!&rdquo; Ska Skank shouted from the jury box.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Right,&rdquo; Buck Fucka nodded, still eyeing Pole Her Bare cautiously. &ldquo;I have in front of you a case of egregious debauchery, constant drunkenness, and outright the most salacious proceedings ever to greet this courtroom. And those are just her good points.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The crime?&rdquo; demanded Sir Menage-a-Lot, rising from the defense&rsquo;s side.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;Objection!&rdquo; shouted Buck Fucka reflexively. &ldquo;Your honor, I would like to call my first witness.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You were really supposed to tell the jury what we&rsquo;re here for,&rdquo; the judge pointed out. &ldquo;But Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It is watching the Tour de France on his phone, Deadbeat hasn&rsquo;t shown up yet, and Douchicorn is letting his dog vote for him. Cockagami turned this thing into a drinking game&mdash;I know you have two shots down for self-references, sir&mdash;and Mary Tyler Whore is only participating because someone told her deliberations would include karaoke. Chicken Bone Her is the only one paying attention, but I&rsquo;m pretty sure she already read about the case in the papers and isn&rsquo;t going to care what you say anyway. Proceed.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;d like to call Gloryhole to the stand,&rdquo; Buck Fucka gulped. Once Muff Daddy had sworn him in, Buck Fucka whirled to face him. &ldquo;Isn&rsquo;t it true that you collaborated with My Little Porno to have a large gathering on federal land?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Not her in particular,&rdquo; Gloryhole pointed out. &ldquo;Actually it was&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Objection!&rdquo; yelled the judge. &ldquo;Yes or no answers, please.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No,&rdquo; Gloryhole decided after a moment.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Isn&rsquo;t it true that you caused a large group of people to assemble in one place where they would require a permit?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No,&rdquo; Gloryhole replied. &ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t make anyone do anything.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Isn&rsquo;t it true that because of information posted on a certain website, people such as Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy, Got Wood, and Cheese Turd knew to assemble at a certain time in a certain place?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yes,&rdquo; Gloryhole allowed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And people that you have never met, people such as Dim Suck and Sarah Cunter, they were able to come as well.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yes,&rdquo; Gloryhole nodded. &ldquo;I would never prevent anyone from coming,&rdquo; he said magnanimously.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And isn&rsquo;t it true that you might reasonably expect for more than twenty-five bodies to assemble in that area?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Objection!&rdquo; Sir Menage-a-Lot shouted. &ldquo;Hashers are never reasonable.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Sustained,&rdquo; announced the judge. &ldquo;Do you have any other arguments, Buck Fucka?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Shit,&rdquo; Buck Fucka muttered, moving towards Vagina Dentata. &ldquo;Got anything?&rdquo; he asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Vagina Dentata hmmed and looked up from his pile of books. &ldquo;Oh, these are all romance novels. Princess Allianna is a compellingly strong character and doesn&rsquo;t just rely on her man to progress through the story. Did you need something?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Buck Fucka sighed and pulled out an inflatable mattress. &ldquo;The prosecution rests.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Aha!&rdquo; Sir Menage-a-Lot jumped up. &ldquo;I&rsquo;d like to call for my first witness&mdash;Smells Like Fish, Tastes Like Bacon!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The crowd gasped, Good Shit Lollicock pumped his fist in the air, and even Hand Pump pulled off his sunglasses and wig so she would recognize him when she strode into the courtroom. Masterbaster flung the door open, and she quickly made her way to the witness stand.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Bacon, are you familiar with the hash?&rdquo; Menage asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Of course, it&rsquo;s a great wholesome activity for everyone to enjoy,&rdquo; Bacon began. &ldquo;We do all sorts of good work&mdash;without us, people like John Handcock and Gobble My Ass would be doing all sorts of racist behavior. The Perfect Woman has excellent skills in delegation&mdash;he&rsquo;s not even at this trial, for example. Zippercised might have lost himself instead of just his driver&rsquo;s license, and even Tonya Hardon&rsquo;s dog has benefited from expressing his inner size queen. I have in my hands the written testimony of multiple people, from long time hashers like Captain Organ to newcomers like Just Shrishti, and an interesting audiotape from Ru Ru Rimmin, all explaining the benefits of hashing.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Do you have any counterarguments, Buck Fucka?&rdquo; the judge asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Cirque du So Lame is missing a knee, Millimeter Peter complains about taking longer now that he&rsquo;s getting older, and Roman Showers totally didn&rsquo;t bring enough pie for everyone,&rdquo; Buck Fucka replied. &ldquo;Minor 69er took at least five minutes extra getting ready the next morning, and most damningly&mdash; &rdquo; he paused for effect. &ldquo;Wee Wee, Dick Ass Mother Fucker, and Do Her Well all were scarred for life by this misadventure.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Nope, all healed!&rdquo; Wee Wee interrupted.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And Dick Ass Mother Fucker and Do Her Well are nowhere to be found, it seems,&rdquo; the judge announced.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But you&rsquo;re Do Her&mdash;&rdquo; Gondalerrhea wondered aloud before Fuck Norris slapped him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;With that, I declare a mistrial!&rdquo; the judge announced happily. &ldquo;We&rsquo;ll hold another jury selection next Monday. Buck Fucka, I assume you&rsquo;ll be in attendance?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Gladly, your honor,&rdquo; Buck Fucka replied. They all rose to leave, Buck Fucka fumbling amongst his papers. &ldquo;You dropped something,&rdquo; he nudged My Little Porno as he passed her.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, thanks!&rdquo; she smiled as she pocketed the envelope stuffed with twenties and an unreasonable amount of pennies. &ldquo;Silly me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>See you next week!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End</p>Mon, 10 Jul 2017 09:25:13 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/148http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/148
Sir Menage-a-Lot & Weekend At Abba's<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This is deplorable! Who got this bullshit in their heads?&rdquo; Lost In Foreskin slammed the door of the shop open, bells jingling wildly. Do Her Well looked up, removing her eyepiece and quickly setting down her tools. The motherboard on the counter was smoking suspiciously, and she blew away the plume and moved to intercept the man who was now pacing down the crowded aisle towards her.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Who said that?&rdquo; she asked carefully.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Cut the crap, Do Her Well, you know what I&rsquo;m here about. I want names. I want details. And most of all I want an explanation. And I&rsquo;ll have some of that before I leave this pile of junk you call a computer store.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Sometimes people act against their best interests, like that time that you had that whiskey AND a can of 4Loko. So until we understand basic stuff like that, I doubt we&rsquo;ll be able to conceive how this political climate&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No! Not that-- The hash!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well you see, people&rsquo;s actions are typically guided by the ego and modulated by the superego, but when you have alcohol involved you get more id-driven behavior. When arriving at the hash, much like Pavlov&rsquo;s dog with the bell, hashers immediately give up all modulation whatsoever and immediately engage in lewd and lascivious behavior, alcohol or no&mdash; &rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Do Her Well, what am I known for&mdash;no, don&rsquo;t answer that,&rdquo; Lost In Foreskin read the look on her face all too well. &ldquo;The Beer Mile. Exceptional taste in sunglasses. And&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Tour de Franzia?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yes. And what did I find at Huntington Square Park?&rdquo; He pulled from his satchel a crumpled and dirty box.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You know they sold over 12.3 million cases last year, right?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This has the smell of hashers all over it&mdash;look at the glitter on the spout! I want information, I want names. I want to know who is co-opting my event.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Do Her Well pulled up a stool to a terminal. &ldquo;Fine, I&rsquo;ll see what my sources can pull up.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Sources? You weren&rsquo;t there?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t live at the hash.&rdquo; She rolled her eyes at Lost In Foreskin&rsquo;s incredulous look. &ldquo;I went on vacation. Yes&mdash;I did. And it was good. And there was much rejoicing.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">She sighed as he continued to stare. &ldquo;Ok, well you have the location correct,&rdquo; she muttered to herself. &ldquo;The SF alcohol detectors registered a strong signal from Nob Hill beginning around 6, tapering around 7, and picking up again an hour later. This coincides with the GPS signals from the probe I implanted in Chicken Bone Her. Stop looking offended, she totally consented when I told her it was a cooking thermometer.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Let&rsquo;s see&mdash;looks like Sir Menage A Lot and Weekend At Abba&rsquo;s were FRBs of the night&mdash;over 15 minutes ahead of everyone else, not even stopping with the pack at Coit Tower&hellip;&rdquo; She leveled a steady gaze at Lost In Foreskin. &ldquo;Your suspicions were correct. Let me tune into Mouth Down South&mdash;he wanted a bionic upgrade, ok!&rdquo; She said defensively.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, no, it&rsquo;s too blurry. Tech and alcohol never mix well.&rdquo; Do Her Well tapped a few buttons. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s no use, I&rsquo;ll have to switch over to security footage. Oh, oh no. Dick Ass Mother Fucker can&rsquo;t get the Franzia open. He looks really desperate. Someone help him, that man needs alcohol. Ska Skank, don&rsquo;t laugh at that poor man&hellip; oh good, Whorifist to the rescue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>Ocean Spray&rsquo;s helping him squirt, and Hoseblower has his pipe open to receive it all.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;God it sounds like a porno&mdash;can you be less explicit?&rdquo; Lost In Foreskin groaned.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;With Resting Slut Face involved? Ok, fine, I&rsquo;ll try&hellip; nope looks like they&rsquo;re going down again one by one, Circle Jerk looks like he&rsquo;s ready to get real sweaty. And Dickweed is right behind him. And then they fucked. They fucked for hours, uprooting trees and shrubs and flowers. Looks like Dick Simmons has full video of the encounter up close, you&rsquo;re lucky I haven&rsquo;t subscribed to his services or you&rsquo;d be subjected to a lot worse. Shaft&rsquo;s a lot cheaper and easier access when you&rsquo;re coming from behind anyway.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Look can you just tell me who hared the goddamn r*n?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m getting there, I&rsquo;m getting there, I bet if I triangulate the path that Fuck Buddy took and divide by Udder Moron&rsquo;s mileage, I&rsquo;ll be able to predict the square root of Primal Vagina&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What does that do?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well, it&rsquo;s clearly an imaginary number, so it will give me a hint to the location of Pepe Le Poop&rsquo;s deodorant.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Why don&rsquo;t you just throw in Fucker while you&rsquo;re at it?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s just irrational, Lost In Foreskin. Next you&rsquo;ll ask me how Vikings fuck,&rdquo; She turned back to the monitor. &ldquo;With horns on their head!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;La la la, I Cunt Hear You, la la la&hellip;&rdquo; Lost In Foreskin covered his ears. &ldquo;If you aren&rsquo;t going to be helpful I&rsquo;ll just call Saigon Sally&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Last hash, he won&rsquo;t remember.&rdquo; Do Her Well was unreasonably smug.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Cockagami?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Never remembers.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Big Cock Chains?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;He doesn&rsquo;t even tell his wife, why would he tell you?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Dickgiorno?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;Trade secrets, I&rsquo;m afraid.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Ru Ru Rimmin, then.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;He&rsquo;ll rue the day he undercuts me.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Masterbaster.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hareraisers have a duty of confidentiality to their hares. It&rsquo;s like attorney-client privilege.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Wait a minute&hellip; aren&rsquo;t you&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Exactly.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This isn&rsquo;t fun, Do Her Well. It isn&rsquo;t funny. It&rsquo;s&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Dangerous. So I guess you should just take your wife, your dog, and your football and go home.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Fuck you, you fucking fuck.&rdquo;</p>Mon, 03 Jul 2017 09:11:15 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/147http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/147
Who's Lost In Your Foreskin, Daddy?<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Tonight, we&rsquo;re primed and ready to bring you live coverage of the greatest sporting event known to man.&rdquo; Cockagami flashed a dazzling grin at the camera.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s right, we&rsquo;re sure to see drama, we&rsquo;ll see devastation, we&rsquo;ll see the human spirit laid bare before four foamy beverages. Watch as our competitors rise from the ashes of their predecessors and emerge as champions.&rdquo; Zippercised clicked his pen and pointed it towards the viewers. &ldquo;This&mdash;is SFH3 Beer Mile.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s a packed field tonight, and I must say, a unique sight for any sport&mdash;where else would upper management be competing alongside all the other athletes? And Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy and Lost In Foreskin aren&rsquo;t just in it for the attention. Both men are highly seeded. What do you think, Zip?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Indeed, they&rsquo;ve placed well in past events, but their victory is certainly not guaranteed tonight. We&rsquo;ve got a lot of great male competitors, Chain Bang and Mouth Down South look ready to rumble, and Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy certainly has his big boy britches on tonight.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And we have cutting edge technology to bring every suds filled burp and each sloshing heave into your home&mdash;forget about drones, when you have the Fluffer Cam to stream high definition video into our broadcast booth.&rdquo; A upclose view of Labradoodle asshole flashed on the screen. &ldquo;Uh, Shaft&hellip; Shaft! Sorry folks, technical difficulties. Zippercised, where are you going?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;In it to win it, baby!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Alright then, looks like this&rsquo;ll be a solo job for a while, just how I like! Let&rsquo;s get to the rest of the crew. Dick Simmons and Ska Skank have our non-canine video coverage for you, while Do More Stupid has set up a precision race timing system consisting of his phone. Hand Pump and Muff Daddy are on top of registering our contestants&mdash;we&rsquo;re pretty sure Just Sarah didn&rsquo;t know what she was signing up for, so she&rsquo;s certainly in for a treat. And actually, that brings us to our women&rsquo;s division. We have here Sister Fister to give us the scoop on the finer side of the sport.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yeah, Cockagami, we ladies are en fuego tonight at Beer Mile. Do Her Well is over there glaring at Sleazy&mdash;she&rsquo;s convinced that Sleazy has been hiding her chugging talents for years and is secretly plotting against her. Primal Vagina is warming up&mdash;getting hotter&mdash;ooh, even hotter. And I see Tonya Hardon giving Just Christina some last minute advice. We have a lot of first time competitors tonight&mdash;Reverse Schoolgirl convinced Just Shrishti to give it a go, while we&rsquo;re pretty sure Just Jana made herself come. Oh! We&rsquo;re off.&rdquo; Sister Fister popped her can and began to chug.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;Oh, if we need to let you go, we&rsquo;ll just pass the mike over to Crabs&hellip;&rdquo; Cockagami began.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, I got it,&rdquo; Sister Fister between gulps. &ldquo;Douchicorn is out of the gates first, followed by Lost In Foreskin and Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy. Too Much Teeth is off to a cracking start. Zippercised is also in the top of the heat, while Do Her Well has made it off to a late start, but this is an endurance event, people. Chain Bang is out of the gates, while Handidicked and Buck Fucka finally get it going. Masterbaster and Cirque du So Lame are rounding up the Canine and Bionic divisions respectively. Good Shit is still chugging, but that&rsquo;s what he does best, long and smooth.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Looks like things are going well for you down there, Sister Fister, well I think we&rsquo;ll pass over to Udder Moron&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;NO! I GOT THIS!&rdquo; Sister Fister belched. &ldquo;The first lap is finishing up, and ooh boy this is getting exciting. Yari Ben has taken a unique strategy&mdash;he brought the Big Black Cock of B2B is back in town and he is using it to beat his competitors. But it turns out that hashers are into that sort of thing, I&rsquo;m pretty sure it shaved five seconds off Vagina Dentata&rsquo;s time. Roman Showers and Sir Menage A Lot are in the transition zone making sure that all competitors get their beers in a timely fashion, Snot Rag just picked his up. Whorifist has taken a big swig and found it to his liking, I think he may just stay here and chug the rest of his beers instead of doing this whole running thing.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Can we get any crowd commentary, Sister Fister?&rdquo; Cockagami asked in despair.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Fucker, what do you have to say?&rdquo; Sister Fister asked, watching Fucker groan and walk away. &ldquo;Nope. Anyway looks like we have First Vomit with Stinky Floss&mdash;a proud standing that, you will have to get the high definition replay up stat. The field looks to be slowing down a little, Dick Ass Mother Fucker fumbled at the last transition area and it really seemed to jar him, and not even Rhythm Method has been able to rescue him. Cool Handjob Luke is trying not to let the vomit draw his attention, he might be a little into that sort of thing if you know what I mean.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Can you tell us any more about the Big Black Dick?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, of course! I&rsquo;m Drunk and Squeal 4 Me have taken back the Big Black Cock and are distracting The Perfect Woman with it. Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It is showing them his own version&mdash;it looks like he is holding his thumb in front of his pants, folks. That&rsquo;s got Got Wood in stitches.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Meanwhile, I&rsquo;m hearing word that Douchicorn has come in first, is that correct?&rdquo; Cockagami asked, an edge to his voice.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh&hellip; oh, yesh, but I&rsquo;m still in the middle of my lapsh.&rdquo; Sister Fister explained. &ldquo;He&rsquo;sh still got one minute countdown until he ish free to hurl.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">She rounded the last corner, directing all the cameras towards Douchicorn, watching for any sign of weakness. Gondalerrhea patted the sweat off his brow, while Minor 69er tried to give him some Racer 5 for rehydration. Douchicorn waved them all away, waiting the full minute before escaping from all the media attention and heading to his trailer.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I knew him back in the day,&rdquo; Saigon Sally reminisced. &ldquo;Fame&hellip; it changes people.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A commotion rose from the crowds. Yessiryesshesfat oohed and aahed. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s like fireworks&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That is amazing,&rdquo; Rogue Cow said in awe. &ldquo;I&rsquo;ve never seen such a display&hellip; so many colors&hellip; and it just goes on and on.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A tear was in Fuck Norris&rsquo;s eye. &ldquo;I&rsquo;ll never forget this moment.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Pepe Le Poop wiped his lips. &ldquo;Does this mean I get another beer?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well, folks,&rdquo; Cockagami interrupted. &ldquo;This seems like the perfect time for a word from our sponsors!&rdquo; Just Louisa sashayed in front of the camera. &ldquo;This Beer Mile was brought to you by Ocean Spray. Ocean Spray, the final result of four beers chugged in quick succession.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Looks like my co-broadcaster is back!&rdquo; Cockagami cried out in relief. &ldquo;Zippercised, what are your thoughts on the matter?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Uhh. Yes!&rdquo; Zippercised raised a fist in the air.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We&rsquo;ve really only got one more award to wait for,&rdquo; Cockagami rolled his eyes. &ldquo;The competitors are taking their cool down trail, My Little Porno is arguing with the rangers, but what is on everyone&rsquo;s minds is&hellip; who&rsquo;s DFL?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Circle Jerk pushed himself forward. &ldquo;I&rsquo;d like to thank my fans and supporters, it wasn&rsquo;t easy keeping Just Get It Over With locked in a cellar for the duration of Beer Mile, but proper planning prevents poor performance, and&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Wrinklepecker!&rdquo; chorused Zippercised and Cockagami.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Sure helps matters when you just start after everyone&rsquo;s finished,&rdquo; Zippercised added.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s just my style,&rdquo; Wrinklepecker shrugged.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s cheating!&rdquo; Circle Jerk yelled. &ldquo;I can&rsquo;t believe that this is allowed to stand. I thought Beer Mile was clean, but this is clearly rigged&mdash;can we even trust any of this coverage to be unbiased&hellip; can we rely on what is being shown to us on television? You&rsquo;ll be hearing from my attorney!&rdquo; His cries faded as Fluffer dragged him off into the distance.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And that&rsquo;s all for tonight, folks,&rdquo; Cockagami proclaimed. &ldquo;Good night, good luck, and stay thirsty!&rdquo;</p>Mon, 26 Jun 2017 09:26:45 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/146http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/146
Cuming Mutha and Shaft<p>&ldquo;You&rsquo;ll see what I mean after tonight, lassy,&rdquo; Cuming Mutha slapped Do Her Well on the shoulder.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;Why are you talking like that? On All Fours, why is he talking like that?&rdquo;<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;Ageism!&rdquo; Cuming Mutha shook his fist in the air.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;Aged jism?&rdquo; Muff Daddy&rsquo;s ears perked up.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;All these young and spry hashers these days!&rdquo; Cuming Mutha ignored him, waving at Just Nathan and Just Christina bouncing around the edges of the clearing. &ldquo;Ignoring their elders who, may I say, just happen to also be their betters.&rdquo;&nbsp; Do Her Well lifted an eye towards Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />Cowlick put an arm around Do Her Well. &ldquo;Thank you for taking the time to go undercover and see all the hassles that Shaft has to put up with as an elderly hasher. It is so trying to see him struggle against the discrimination. They never listen to him anymore, and he can barely get over some of the hills now that he himself is&hellip; over the hill. But you&rsquo;ll see soon, with your grey hair, how they&rsquo;ll treat you.&rdquo;<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;Uh?&rdquo; Do Her Well put her hand on her hair, muttering something about a trip through Sperm Alley, before wandering off looking for a water fountain.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />Cuming Mutha nodded at Shaft, preparing to take off with him, when suddenly he grimaced and doubled over. &ldquo;Shaft! Shaft!&rdquo; he groaned and writhed on the ground, but Shaft couldn&rsquo;t hear his cries.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />Circle Jerk made sure not to step on him as he made his way to the keg.&nbsp; After a full five minutes of writhing-- during which Hepatitis Seeing Eye Dog joined in on the good dirt roll, and Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy joined HepC/D until Slap a Bag of Dickz pulled him off-- Fuck Buddy finally came over to check on him.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;Shaft has to go on without me,&rdquo; whispered Cuming Mutha. &ldquo;Go and make me proud, Shaft,&rdquo; he instructed.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;Shaft,&rdquo; Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch called out helpfully to the man who was playing with his Fluffer.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;Shaft!&rdquo; yelled Gloryhole with all his breath.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;SHAFT!&rdquo; chorused Wee Wee Wee, Yessiryesshesfat, and Cheese Turd.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;Dear,&rdquo; Cowlick touched his elbow and Shaft leapt two feet in the air.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;Jeez, you didn&rsquo;t have to yell at me,&rdquo; he complained. &ldquo;Uh oh,&rdquo; he muttered at Cuming Mutha&rsquo;s crumpled form.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;Shaft, remember all I taught you. Remember to set a tricky trail off all the beaten paths, but use enough flour between checks to keep the pack well on. Remember to set plenty of backchecks and falses to keep the FRBs from running away from the pack. Show them that special spot in Sperm Alley, show them where we held hands under the moonlight, show them where you promised me forever and I promised you my heart. But most importantly don&rsquo;t take them by those stupid horses or through people&rsquo;s homeless encampments.&rdquo;<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;Right-o,&rdquo; Shaft darted off into the distance.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;What do we do about Cuming Mutha?&rdquo; asked Cockamole. &ldquo;We can&rsquo;t just leave him here.&rdquo;<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;Can&rsquo;t we?&rdquo; Cockagami raised an eyebrow, diving away when she slapped at him.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;I heard if you pee on it, that makes it better,&rdquo; Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy suggested.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;I&rsquo;m expanding my empire to Colombia,&rdquo; ABBAA revealed suddenly. &ldquo;I have a little tincture for you that may help.&rdquo;<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t go with synthetic chemicals,&rdquo; Big Cock Chains argued. &ldquo;The natural endorphins are the way to go. I just rode from SF to LA, and I feel great, except for my ass. And my back. And my legs.&rdquo;<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;Hah,&rdquo; scoffed Captain Organ. &ldquo;What you have will only mask Cuming Mutha&rsquo;s age and pain, but I have been working for years on a formula that will reverse time itself. I have distilled Resting Slut Face&rsquo;s youth, Stinky Floss&rsquo;s beauty, and Saigon Sally&rsquo;s stamina into a single pill. Swallow this, Cuming Mutha, and your trouble&rsquo;s will be no more.&rdquo;<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t do it!&rdquo; Dewalt Thunderpussy dashed out of the bushes. &ldquo;It has side effects like you wouldn&rsquo;t believe&mdash;I complain more than Titty Boo Boo now, I am addicted to hashing worse than Hand Pump, and I feel Douchicorn&rsquo;s hipsterism creeping onto me like ivy. I ran past the keg tonight like Weiner I Am, and let&rsquo;s just say that visitor Weiner Dagger describes my sex life all too well.&rdquo;<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;How about some stretching?&rdquo; Just Megan suggested, leaning down limberly and lifting her leg into a skater&rsquo;s camel position.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;You&rsquo;re crackers, miss, if you think I can do that,&rdquo; Cuming Mutha whined. &ldquo;Stop it!&rdquo;<br /><br /><br />&ldquo;Shut up!&rdquo; Just Tyler commanded, and Pepe Le Poop covered Cuming Mutha&rsquo;s mouth. &ldquo;Let her do her Tonya Hardon thing.&rdquo; And so Tonya Hardon continued.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />By then the pack had returned and circle commenced, with Cuming Mutha lying like a sacrificial lamb in the center of it all. Masterbaster attempted to have Allahu Aqbark drag him away, but the dog preferred to just slobber on him, as did Just Tim. Now I Know My STDs and Sir Menage A Lot intervened, but the winds were just not right, and Backside Banger had Roman Showers tell them that he was enjoying his beer too much to help.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />Cunty Butler complained that she didn&rsquo;t remember the hash being this curmudgeonly, and Weekend At Abba&rsquo;s replied that she didn&rsquo;t usually remember much after the hash. Three Fingers complained that his sister Just Agda was getting the idea that all he did was hang around old men, but Just Agda, frankly, had suspected nothing less.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />Finally, all options had been exhausted (not that there were many to begin with), and the pack looked around in desperation.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />&ldquo;I may have a trick,&rdquo; Taxi Ho stepped forward. &ldquo;In Austin we deal with this sort of thing all the time. Me me me me me!&rdquo;<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />And from his lips came the sweetest of sounds, which lifted all of the hashers&rsquo; hearts, some of their genitals, and Cuming Mutha from the ground to standing before the end of the first refrain.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />And so finally both hares were ably transported to the on after, where they could drink away the pains of age and celebrate the delightful memories borne from their years.<br /><br />&nbsp;<br /><br />The End</p>Mon, 19 Jun 2017 08:44:28 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/145http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/145
Vagina Dentata<p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There is a small red dot on the cartoon map that depicts West Portal. The dot moves hither and yon, growing more and more agitated and even redder, if that were possible, shaping itself into a question mark, a lightening bolt, and then exploding into smithereens. That dot was Do Her Well.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There is a yellow dot in Noe Valley, which grows even more golden with every sip of beer. Eventually that dot finds a bus, then a train, then a plane, and after thoroughly circumnavigating the globe, eventually makes its way to circle. That dot is Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There is one final dot, a dot that is made out of the smallest, tiniest spec of flour that one could imagine, which is very cunningly and craftily (for broad definitions of those terms), making its way towards an X marked BEER. That dot is Vagina Dentata, but it is a dot rapidly hunted by the slyest of pursuers.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Be vewwy vewwy quiet,&rdquo; Cuming Mutha whispered to Shaft. &ldquo;We&rsquo;ww hunting wabbits.&rdquo;<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>He picked up a smidgeon of flour from the ground and let it drift in the wind, where it formed into the shape of tiny feet that ran off into the distance. Douchicorn leapt onto the feet as if they were steps, climbing rapidly into the air. Yessiryesshesfat followed after him, only to realize ten steps up that he was in fact, running on nothing, and immediately fell back down to the ground.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Wascally wabbit,&rdquo; grumbled Ru Ru Rimmin, who had broken Yessiryesshesfat&rsquo;s fall.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fucker and Three Fingers, sensing an opportunity to break away, sprinted into the distance, only to have the sidewalk pile up behind them as if it were carpet, and the gaping hole which emerged in the path before them allowed them to plummet into the sewers. The Perfect Woman frowned and shook his head as he carefully marked trail around the crevasse.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Meanwhile on the other side of town, Sir Menage a Lot and Udder Moron were staring in consternation at an eight year old girl.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;So you&rsquo;re saying that to let us pass, we have to buy your lemonade?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Sufferin&rsquo; succotash!&rdquo; Udder Moron declared.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I want my seven dollars!&rdquo; She crossed her arms.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Does she remind you of anyone?&rdquo; Menage asked, eyeing her silvery jacket.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Arriba, arriba! On on-dale!&rdquo; Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It rushed past in the opposite direction, diving around the corner, and Menage and Udder Moron took the opportunity to scram as well.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;ve got the solution!&rdquo; Just Megan announced, readying her ACME water cannon and taking aim for Hawk Hill. She fixed the dusty dirt cloud, presumably the hare, within her sights, pulled the trigger, and shouted as the spray launched from the opposite end and propelled her in the air. &ldquo;That tickles!&rdquo; Cool Handjob Luke&rsquo;s eyes grew so large they popped out of his head. Luckily Now I Know My STDs was thoughtful enough to scoop them up and return them to him later.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Get It Over With gasped, grabbing a hold of Handidicked to steady herself. &ldquo;I tawt I taw a down down!&rdquo; She pointed at Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy who was familiarizing himself with the round protuberances of a very fluffy canine. &ldquo;I did, I did!&rdquo; She bounced in the air all the way over to Hand Pump at the beer check.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I must find out what zis <em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pew</em> means every time I appear,&rdquo; Pepe Le Poop was leaning towards Saigon Sally, who was leaning just as much backwards. On All Fours and Cowlick ran by with a stretcher, which Saigon fell into just as they passed.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Gloryhole finished drawing a tunnel in the side of the stair steps, out of which Mouth Down South and Minor 69er emerged gratefully. Buck Fucka, seeing them run out, attempted to dash back the other way only to find out rather painfully that it was merely a chalk drawing.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Masterbaster, Shaft, and Foul Balls lay together napping in a corner, PO-laden pooches marching around their heads as they dreamed.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Ah, AGM season,&rdquo; My Little Porno sniffed the air, basking in the relative peacefulness of the summer hash. Everyone else in view dove out of sight, Cirque du So Lame tapping on his leg brace so the rocketships activated, and Rent Whore twirling in a gauzey wrap until she disappeared into nothingness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>Six Tits A Week reminded everyone very loudly and clearly that he had a baby on the way, while Muff Daddy declared he was that baby.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Where am I?&rdquo; asked a man huffing and puffing, looking as if he had been subjected to twelve years hard labor upon arriving at the beer check.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;S-F-H-3?&rdquo; Just Nathan offered hesitantly.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;Damn right it is!&rdquo; ABBAA wrapped an arm around his shoulders.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This is S-<em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">F</em>-H3? That SFH3? Where miles are run with no beer in sight, where trail goes uphill both ways, where mortal hashers fear to tread? Where I now know flour is measured by the gram? I knew I should have taken that left turn at Albequerque,&rdquo; Tuna Helper groaned.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I hate rabbits,&rdquo; Wash This Asshole declared suddenly, apropos of nothing.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Too right,&rdquo; Millimeter Peter agreed. &ldquo;Do we think today&rsquo;s trail deserves a hash shit?&rdquo; Vagina Dentata said nothing, scratching at the ground as the crowd roared.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Zippercised groaned as he felt the firm lump in Good Shit&rsquo;s pocket, but he gulped and reached further. &ldquo;Dis-dis-disgusting,&rdquo; he stuttered as he pulled out the hash shit, turning to quickly hang it around Vagina Dentata&rsquo;s neck.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Meep meep!&rdquo; Vagina Dentata proclaimed. It seemed that the pack had misunderstood their nemesis entirely.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And th-th-th-that&rsquo;s all, folks!&rdquo; Millimeter Peter finished.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">On out!</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 12 Jun 2017 06:33:28 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/144http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/144
Chicken Bone Her<p class="MsoNormal">The pack milled around distractedly in front of the Mission Pool. Several very hunky firemen were massaging their bare chests, to avoid any life-threatening cramps after their exertions, but not even Ska Skank was drawn in by their manly wiles.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This is an utter disaster,&rdquo; Muff Daddy wailed. Udder Moron nodded in agreement, and Glory Hole gnashed his teeth.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No need to worry, I&rsquo;m here,&rdquo; Cockagami strolled up, ready to fit the empty B2B kegs into his vehicle. He puffed his chest, looking around to make sure Big Cock Chains and Three Fingers were watching, for he had patented the move&mdash;his Reverse Clown Car always drew intrigued glances.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s fine, Cockagami,&rdquo; Hand Pump patted his back. &ldquo;But I don&rsquo;t think you can salvage this situation.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dick Ass Mother Fucker nodded, his usually serious demeanor exaggerated by the circumstances. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s worse than we could have imagined. Someone told the group there was pussy in the tree, but now no one can find it.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Wait a minute,&rdquo; Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It held up a finger. &ldquo;Feline or female?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Does it matter?!&rdquo; Tears of Semen shouted in distress. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s gone now.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This calls for a special investigator, a bloodhound to be nose to the ground on the case,&rdquo; Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy announced, whipping out a women&rsquo;s tech shirt, smelling it, and pulling it on. &ldquo;And I am the man who fits the bill!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Weiner I Am leapt on top of him, tugging at the hem of the shirt. &ldquo;I thought we were partners, asshole! Why do you get to play the lead here?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Because you couldn&rsquo;t detect your way out of a paper bag, not to mention into the correct prelube&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What on earth is going on?&rdquo; Double Man Cum (of the non-SFH3 variety) asked, putting his arm around FUPA.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Par for the course,&rdquo; Do Her Well answered. &ldquo;They each want to be the private dick here&hellip; let&rsquo;s just say only one part of the term fits.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well, only one thing to do,&rdquo; Mouth Down South concluded, his canine companion nosing nervously at his heels. &ldquo;Come on Leela, time to put your nose to the test!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And the pack was off, darting through Dolores Park, Cuming Mutha leaping to the front when Prison Wallet took time to roll in the grass and get some good scratchies. Dr. Bombardier, jealous of the canine&rsquo;s exuberant spirits, took some time to mark his territory, not even minding when Dick Simmons snapped some footage for his special private archives.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cosmopolitits and Just Megan were not deterred by the site of their drooling fellow hashers, dashing downhill as if drawn by the scent of a freshly tapped keg. Just Nathan, wondering what on earth Just Megan had initiated him into, was forced to follow at top speed. Finally, the group rounded one final corner after a lovely jaunt through urine-soaked alleyways and were greeted by the friendly van with a very proud Fuck Norris touting her new position as FRB.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Does that mean you caught that pussy?&rdquo; Circle Jerk asked anxiously.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Uh&hellip; no,&rdquo; Fuck Norris looked around nervously. &ldquo;But those cops over there sure caught someone&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The pack scurried faster than cockroaches under a flashlight, Eat My Pussy secreting away his beer vessel to parts unknown, and The Perfect Woman carefully providing cover for the more scurrilous looking amongst them. Slug comforted Deadbeat, who had been having PTSD flashbacks to that time an officer gave him a parking ticket, but she reassured Saigon Sally that his trauma would be resolved with another beer. Saigon instantly made the case that after that trail he very probably needed some comforting as well, but was disappointed when it was Pepe Le Poop who came to his aid.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Everyone keeps going on about pussy,&rdquo; Kneecrophiliac commented to Bangs on Trail.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think they were talking about that piece of foam over there,&rdquo; she replied. &ldquo;It was stuck in the tree, and some of the neighbors thought it was a cat.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You mean we were running around like fools for nothing?&rdquo; Mayor Blew Me complained. &ldquo;They promised tits and twats on trail, but all I see are a bunch of twits.&rdquo; Fifty Shades of Glazed offered him solace in his arms.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What you have to realize is that this group is a bunch of delusional assholes who have somehow convinced themselves that they are having fun while torturing themselves,&rdquo; Minor 69er explained. &ldquo;They go to great lengths to reassure themselves that they make fun of serious runners&mdash;I used to believe that sort of hypocrisy and self-delusion was beyond human capacity&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But look who&rsquo;s in charge of our country now!&rdquo; Cockamole exclaimed. &ldquo;It really makes you believe anything is possible.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s right, guys,&rdquo; My Little Porno chimed in optimistically, putting an arm around Gondolarrhea. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m a dreamer too&hellip; one day, if I&rsquo;m lucky, maybe we&rsquo;ll have friends who want to spend a getaway weekend in cozy mountain cabin up in Tahoe with us, parked by the fire sipping at cups of hot cocoa and watching the snow fall outside after a full day of skiing.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t stop believing,&rdquo; Just Get It Over With patted her soothingly. &ldquo;The right people will come along one day.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End</p>Mon, 05 Jun 2017 10:13:35 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/143http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/143
The GMs<p class="MsoNormal">The Perfect Fairy God-Woman adjusted his tutu. Usually he preferred street clothes for this godperson business, but Udder Moron had wished for tutus (&lsquo;Get it? It&rsquo;s May Two-Two!&rsquo;), and he could not be slacking on his duties, today of all days.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My Little Porno floated beside him in the air, face creased in worry. &ldquo;There are so many wishes, and they all conflict! Miss Delivery wants a short trail, while Cuming Mutha wants to make everyone rerun the Ballbuster, for some weird reason. Vagina Dentata just wants everyone to be happy, and Do Her Well is only happy if Brown Eye is suffering. Half of them want to sleep with someone, but not just <em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">anyone</em>, and the other half can&rsquo;t remember if they did that already.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Perfect Woman waved his hands. &ldquo;There, free will. Now they have the opportunity to find happiness. But there&rsquo;s something I have to talk to you about&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, no, I have to be off, Bitch Pimp wants to pet the BEST DOG EVER, but so does Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It, and they&rsquo;re on completely opposite sides of Coit Tower right now, and by definition there can only be one BEST DOG EVER. And Sir Menage A Lot really wants a margarita check&hellip; and so does Shaft&hellip; and so does Fuck Buddy&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">She disappeared in a puff of glitter.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The Perfect Fairy God-Woman sighed, resigned to put the boot on Boob Slap&rsquo;s foot himself (who was he to judge people&rsquo;s kinks?) when Mouth Down South appeared at his side.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You look like you could use some help,&rdquo; he pointed out.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yes!&rdquo; sighed The Perfect Fairy God-Woman. &ldquo;Hand Pump and Muff Daddy have both wished for a day off, and how could I not grant that after all the hard work they did for Bay 2 Blackout. Hand Pump even threatened to put in for retirement in 2031 instead of 2032.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The nerve!&rdquo; Mouth Down South said sympathetically.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;He deserves whatever he asks for, frankly,&rdquo; The Perfect Fairy God-Woman replied. &ldquo;But Millimeter Peter is not nearly as hungover as Cockagami and Zippercised, and both of them are wishing fervently for him to catch up. So I thought I&rsquo;d send No Shit his way, but someone needs to get the pack in from the margarita check before Eat My Pussy leads them straight up Coit Tower to fulfill all his fantasies.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh.&rdquo; Mouth Down South thought for a moment. &ldquo;Well, I hope you manage to find someone to lend a hand.&rdquo; He wandered off.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Ah!&rdquo; The Perfect Fairy God-Woman snapped his fingers and a phone appeared.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;Oh, you found it!&rdquo; Uncle Bad Touch cried out with delight. Massive Cock Check, standing next to him, looked around in confusion.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The curse of the GMs is hereby broken!&rdquo; The Perfect Fairy God-Woman declared.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You&rsquo;re a fairy godmother now,&rdquo; Massive Cock Check nodded. &ldquo;That makes more sense than me blackout-drunkenly flying from Australia.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Mind lending a hand?&rdquo; The Perfect Fairy God-Woman looked over as the hashers continued to mill in confusion.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh no, you should have gone for more useful GMs,&rdquo; Uncle Bad Touch told him. &ldquo;Sorry.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The Perfect Fairy God-Woman frowned. He was going to have to pull out the big guns. He pointed his wand at Saigon Sally. &ldquo;Designated hasher!&rdquo; he commanded.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> Saigon, driven now by some strange instinct, rustled up La Gingeracha and USS Cum On My Face, ushering the out-of-towners back towards the start. Like a relentless herding dog, he managed to sort out both ABBAA and Weekend at Abba&rsquo;s, prevented Circle Jerk from running into Reverse Schoolgirl, and wiped Shit Eating Grin down before he got too excited by Big Cock Chains. He even managed to retrieve Minor 69er and company from the bar, convinced Crabs to help RA, and returned Cockarazzi to his usual Dick Simmons state.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s a miracle!&rdquo; My Little Porno watched as the pack was happily getting drunk. &ldquo;Thank you, The Perfect Fairy God-Woman, it&rsquo;s all I could have wanted.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Is it?&rdquo; The Perfect Fairy God-Woman asked. &ldquo;Because it&rsquo;s your birthday, as well as Gondolarrhea&rsquo;s&hellip; is there anything else your heart desires?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, oh my,&rdquo; My Little Porno&rsquo;s eyes grew wide. &ldquo;I think I would like&hellip; a spanking!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;A spanking?&rdquo; The Perfect Fairy God-Woman asked. &ldquo;That&rsquo;s&hellip; all? You realize that we are fairy godpeople. The sky&rsquo;s the limit here&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;You could ask to go to free concerts for life&hellip; with me,&rdquo; Ska Skank suggested.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You could ask for aquavit for life, for yourself and your friends&hellip;&rdquo; Blowqueen suggested.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What about a nice sailing trip around the world with your closest companions?&rdquo; Just Louisa leaned in.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, no&hellip;&rdquo; My Little Porno frowned. &ldquo;It is my heart&rsquo;s desire...&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You could do a combo move,&rdquo; The Perfect Fairy God-Woman suggested, voice strained. &ldquo;Like a spanking, and a pony&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Gondolerrhea is my pony!&rdquo; My Little Porno leapt on top of him, and they trotted around the circle. Dick Ass Mother Fucker went for a slap, as did Ru Ru Rimmin, but both darted back as the reins that had appeared on Gondolarrhea waved wildly in the air. Tears of Semen dove in the grab them, and LCB appeared, helpfully holding out some grass he&rsquo;d pulled out of the park.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Whatever it takes to make my co-godperson happy,&rdquo; The Perfect Fairy God-Woman sighed in relief, and then he took the reins and led the group to the on after.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End</p>Mon, 29 May 2017 12:15:56 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/141http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/141
Primal Vagina, Whorifist & I'm Drunk<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The challenge you&rsquo;ll face is like never before, Agent IDK My BFF Scott,&rdquo; MUG said, standing at the window of the secret Presidio bunker. The sun was setting, traffic just beginning to pile up at the Golden Gate Bridge. The commuters, locked in their daily rituals, knew nothing of the hazards that dwelt within their city&rsquo;s dirty underbelly.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Not to worry, MUGgypenny,&rdquo; IDK let a dashing grin flicker over his face before he grew serious. &ldquo;After the incident with Minor 69er, I&rsquo;ve learned to take more care. I have a team assembled&mdash;Double Oh Primal Vagina will have my back for our strike force, and we have I&rsquo;m Drunk and 2XWhore leading a top-notch surveillance team at the bar.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">MUG frowned. &ldquo;Word has come from on high&mdash;My Little Porno and The Perfect Woman say they&rsquo;ve seen nothing like this threat. You may have trafficked Grassy Ass through customs. You may have a Mouth Down South at every port of call. And we know our powers reach far and wide&mdash;inserting Uncle Bad Touch into the Katy Perry Superbowl concert was not easy. But you lack the resources that you&rsquo;ve once had. Twerxes Like Xerxes is all tied up at the moment, and Head Queen is diving deep undercover. IDK, I&rsquo;m worried about you.&rdquo; MUG flipped through some files before continuing. &ldquo;Luckily, E may have some equipment to help.&rdquo; She pressed a button, and a panel slid back to reveal a staircase.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Ah, IDK,&rdquo; E=McFucked looked up from his computer screen. &ldquo;Lovely to see you today.&rdquo; He clicked his pen, and in the distance there was an explosion. &ldquo;Oops.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Let&rsquo;s cut to the chase,&rdquo; IDK my BFF Scott declared. &ldquo;My car?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The Lamborghini fitted with bulletproof glass, rocket boosters, the plasma ray, and Garmin GPS systems?&rdquo; E=McFucked frowned. &ldquo;Sir Menage-a-lot had a little&hellip; incident last week, so I&rsquo;m afraid that this will have to do.&rdquo; He clicked on a screen, showing a surveillance image of a van parked on a street corner. It was the sort of van you would tell your grandchildren to avoid. IDK peered closer at the image, pretty sure he could see Agent Muff Daddy taking a nap in the back.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I do have a nice watch I can offer you. It&rsquo;s a Casio.&rdquo; He looked around. &ldquo;Oh, Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It must have checked it out already.&rdquo;</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">&nbsp;</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">***</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Where the hell are they?&rdquo; IDK My BFF Scott dived behind some bushes, followed closely by Primal Vagina. Gunfire resounded in their ears.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I inserted a tracking device in Brown Eye&hellip; he&rsquo;s in Marin?!&rdquo; Primal Vagina scrolled through a holographic screen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>&ldquo;Saigon Sally is five miles out, and Pepe Le Poop is right on top of him. But don&rsquo;t worry-- Butt Plug FRED is close at hand.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&ldquo;That doesn&rsquo;t make me feel better,&rdquo; IDK muttered. &ldquo;Call in to I&rsquo;m Drunk and 2XWhore,&rdquo; he ordered.<br />&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m DRUNK!&rdquo; the reply came through their comms. &ldquo;Barely Manbelow, how I&rsquo;ve missed you!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;2X Whore, you there?&rdquo; Primal Vagina chimed in.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m just a Slut Machine,&rdquo; someone was singing. &ldquo;And I don&rsquo;t work for nobody but Roofie Ragu.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yeah yeah,&rdquo; I&rsquo;m Drunk&rsquo;s voice was louder than usual. &ldquo;I think&hellip; I think we see something.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What?&rdquo; IDK demanded.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Leave It To Cleavage!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think someone spiked their drinks,&rdquo; Primal Vagina concluded. &ldquo;We need a situation update, I&rsquo;m Drunk, stat.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Spiked our drinks&hellip; with alcohol!&rdquo; I&rsquo;m Drunk giggled. &ldquo;Yeah, ok. I&rsquo;ve got Just Karina on the left of me, Mary Tyler Whore on the right, and I&rsquo;m stuck in the middle with luuuuubbbbbee.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Uber Luber? That dastardly man is there?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Nooooo,&rdquo; I&rsquo;m Drunk and 2x Whore yelled together. &ldquo;But we have a Sex Doll Serial Killer&hellip; is that naughty enough for you?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Are Oh Shit! And No Panties No Problem in position?&rdquo; attempted Primal Vagina.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, but you know you Can&rsquo;t Rush Anal,&rdquo; 2XWhore advised. &ldquo;Not when you have Village Tool around, you might summon Boner Malfunction.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This is pointless, we have no way out of this,&rdquo; Primal Vagina said in despair. &ldquo;US Oh Oh OH and Thunderpussy HO have us trapped. We&rsquo;re screwed.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No wait,&rdquo; IDK held up a hand, noticing the gunfire had stopped. &ldquo;I think&hellip; I think they&rsquo;re making out. Go, go, go!&rdquo; They rolled out of the bushes together, running off through the Presidio back into the city, where flying bullets would be out of place and their enemies would have to try much subtler tactics.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Just act natural,&rdquo; IDK My BFF Scott ordered, adjusting his tuxspeedo. They were on Clement Street, and Primal Vagina sighed with relief as she saw Squeal For Me and Ska Skank Redemption standing at one corner.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&ldquo;The crow barks at twilight,&rdquo; they said in unison.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Only fools fall in love,&rdquo; Ska Skank replied.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Zippercised emerged from a manhole and handed them an envelope, before climbing onto the back of the motorcycle Cockagami had pulled up on and speeding off into the distance.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Inside was an address and a code word. Primal Vagina and Zippercised with only a glance at each other set off towards the venue.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;<br /> Inside, the lighting was dark, but both could clearly see multiple notorious criminals. Anaphylactic Cock was with her gang of ruffians including Just Get It Over With and Vagina Dentata, while ABBAA and Miss Delivery were clearly plotting in the corner. Hand Pump sat like a mafia boss at a table, May I Please Juggle Your Balls eagerly awaiting any request.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Primal Vagina pushed past Masterbaster and Hoseblower, only to be stopped by a hand on her shoulder.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Do I &hellip; know you?&rdquo; Cirque du So Lame looked her up and down.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Uh, I don&rsquo;t believe so,&rdquo; she tried to continue, but Paki Sak and Dick Ass Mother Fucker had come up behind her, while Glad He Ate Her was blocking her left.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Funny, because this was MY private party,&rdquo; he gestured to Smell This and Dealt It, Felt It, Smelt It. &ldquo;It seems your invitation has gone missing.&rdquo; They began frogmarching her out.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;AT THIS TIME!&rdquo; IDK My BFF Scott shot his water pistols in the air, leaping over Gondolorrhea at the bar and knocking Handidicked down in the process. Bust Her Hymen drew his weapon, and Tickle ME Homo prepared for an assault, but Dildo Baggins opted at the moment to blow his cover and took him out. Hoseblower, thinking quickly, set off the sprinkler system. Stinky Floss and Red Hot Vagina looked at each other, now soaking wet, shrugged, and continued to dance.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">IDK My BFF Scott had meanwhile made his way to the shadowy table at the end of the room, where three figures set. He knocked Shaft Impacther out with kick, Just Mischief with a blow, and PO Box with well-timed paperwork.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What is the meaning of this?&rdquo; A voice came from the shadows.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Your crimes have gone unpunished long enough,&rdquo; IDK My BFF Scott answered. &ldquo;The filthy depravity that emerges from your souls and infects the very heart of this city has gone unchecked. Normal criminals like Masterbaster and Full of Shit, we can handle. Even the foul doings of Alien Vs. Predator and Ranch on The Side I might be able to live with. But it turns my stomach to see the horrors of a warped mind and twisted spirit set loose upon the citizens of San Francisco.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Uh, okay?&rdquo; Do Her Well shrugged. &ldquo;I am sorry my taco eating offends you.&rdquo; She stuffed an entire one with at least three meats in her mouth and swallowed.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Your crimes go beyond your hungry mouth,&rdquo; he replied, gesturing at Cockamole and T-Ball. &ldquo;All three of you, scofflaws of normal societal conventions. You, Cockamole, in blackface, you, Do Her Well, pretending to be Native American, and you, T-Ball&mdash;we know you&rsquo;re not really Asian.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;IT&rsquo;S FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY!&rdquo; Cockamole exploded, upending a table.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I just wanted to look hot,&rdquo; Do Her Well added, and T-Ball nodded.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No defense!&rdquo; IDK My BFF Scott paused as Dildo Baggins gripped his shoulder and muttered in his ear. &ldquo;Wait, that is a defense?&rdquo; He nodded a bit. &ldquo;Cool. Um. As you were.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">He slunk towards the door, Primal Vagina back-to-back with him to watch for any last minute attacks. &ldquo;Have a good night everyone!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Pizza Ass came out from the bathroom. &ldquo;Why are you guys all wet?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Why aren&rsquo;t you?&rdquo; they replied, and Hoseblower set off the sprinklers again.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Sat, 20 May 2017 10:01:29 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/142http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/142
Lost In Foreskin & Wee Wee Wee All The Way Home<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Tour de Franzia, A History</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The Tour de Franzia is one of the drunkest trails in the history of SFH3 hashing, with a few exceptions. It was first run on May 14<sup>th</sup>, 2012, or at least that was the first time that someone remembered to put it on the hareline. It has been run every year since then, excepting World Wars One and Two.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Lost In Foreskin and Wee Wee Wee All The Way Home, two inveterate hashers, founded the trail, but worried about its lack of popularity, advertised it indirectly as a training hash for Bay to Blackout. Unable to organize both the start and the finish, they relied upon the necessary assistance of Hand Pump and Muff Daddy to contain the racers before they set off.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The proposed prize was a large wooden cock with a bottle opener on it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Early Years</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Records of the first five years have been lost to time.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Fifth Race</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">&nbsp;</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Crowds gathered by Cupid&rsquo;s Span, and immediately Just Get It Over With declared herself lost. She was not to be the only one. The race organizers were forced to deal with several inexperienced entrants, while Fuck Buddy and Good Shit Lollicock chuckled at the thought of what was to come. The level of preparation clearly varied amongst the crowd, with Wrinklepecker, Do Her Well and Just Hawkeye practicing their aerodynamic tucks on the street corner. Big Cock Chains had pulled out his rainbow colored helmet, but race organizers insisted he put his pants back on or be penalized for an unfair advantage. On the other end of the spectrum, Shaft had donned a white shirt, an unexpectedly rookie move from a veteran hasher.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Stage One</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">&nbsp;</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The beginning of Stage One was plagued with confusion, as the group grew agitated when it became clear that there would not be a simple one block path to the Franzia. Douchicorn and Wiener I Am sprinted off hoping to get away from the pack, but hard work by Whorifist and Primal Vagina tag-teaming quickly brought them back. But their efforts broke up the peloton, and it was Meh taking advantage of the confusion who captured the Stage One victory.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Stage Two</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The perils of the Tour quickly became apparent as Do Her Well and Fucker nearly collided, Franzia already clouding their ability to vector. Saigon Sally wisely stayed out of the fray, using quick wits to pull a ten second advantage. But the organizers had chosen a most difficult course for the peloton, and Cuming Mutha&rsquo;s wiles pulled them together once more. The Perfect Woman, sensing an advantage, chose to go down while the rest went up, and while he in the end was satisfied, it was Reverse Schoolgirl who won Stage Two.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Stage Three</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The peloton had grown more disorganized and more disorderly at this point, some so &ldquo;exhausted&rdquo; they were barely able to follow the directions of the race organizers. Circle Jerk found the conditions much to his liking, but Ru Ru Rimmin and Pharmaho discovered trusting him to lead the way was a mistake. Stinky Floss initially gained an advantage, but Pole Her Bare successfully distracted her enough so that Buck Fucka could take the day.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Stage Four</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Multiple racers found themselves suffering from excessive spare tires, but despite the harsh conditions they were subjected to, the peloton stayed the course. Discovering the waterfalls of Yerba Buena, most felt refreshed, but some particularly hard men like Mouth Down South declared that they wished the falls were made of Franzia. This confused Udder Moron so much that he paused for long enough at the falls that Sir Menage A Lot was able to squeak by into a narrow lead. Fuck Norris consoled Just Get It Over With, who had by that point blown his wad and was seeking water from the team car, that all contenders would most definitely be getting the consolation prize of Racer Five. This so energized JDGI that he immediately passed Blowqueen and Miss Delivery to find a top ten position. But it was Millimeter Peter who came through at the end for the victory. When asked whether the man had some insider information, race organizers declined to comment.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Aftermath</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As Chicken Bone Her remarked later, &ldquo;It was a massacre.&rdquo;<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>Even the stage winners looked overwhelmed at the finish, the pack in general was a mess. Tears of Semen sopped gently at Vagina Dentata&rsquo;s tears, while Handidicked looked for a wheelchair. Sister Fister offered to help him out. Cool Handjob Luke fanned himself desperately, and Masterbaster washed his hands of all responsibility. Even Rent Whore had no port in this storm for Just Louisa. The chaos was maddening, the din grew deafening, and Ska Skank was afraid she would suffer more damage than she had at her latest concert. It was only the actions of Cockagami and Cockamole that cooled the riotous group as they doled out the prizes to the rightful winners, and prevented the losers from sobering up too quickly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Legacy</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">&nbsp;</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The Tour de Franzia, while not well remembered by its participants, will go down in history as one of the most difficult challenges that mankind has put itself to, breaking even the strongest of men and women into sobbing babies before ten o&rsquo;clock. Only the firmest of livers and most determined of hashers will prevail in this epic hash event.</p>Sun, 21 May 2017 21:42:01 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/140http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/140
Boob Slap & Just Jana<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;EXTERMINATE!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Did anyone hear that?&rdquo; wondered Primal Vagina. IDK My BFF Scott was stuffing his face with donuts, and so wouldn&rsquo;t be any help for at least half an hour. Jizzard and Eat My Pussy were comparing lengths of&hellip; something, with Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It helpfully holding out his thumb as a comparison, Udder Moron looking very confused at his side. Dual Tools and Douchicorn were relaying something between themselves in a very&hellip; erotic fashion, and Cockarazzi was quick to cock his camera towards them.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hear what?&rdquo; Dildo Baggins asked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>&ldquo;Sometimes I hear voices, you know.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What do you do then?&rdquo; Primal Vagina asked curiously.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well, it&rsquo;s usually an RA yelling at me to drink, so I guess I do what it says?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;EXTERMINATE!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It came from amongst the crowd, who were gathered by the Willie McCovey statue that was still quivering a bit from the time that Ska Skank had fondled it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span>Reverse Schoolgirl was the first to scream and run, followed by Just Diane and Tears of Semen.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Holy shit, it&rsquo;s a Dalek!&rdquo; Sir Menage A Lot was torn between grabbing a selfie and jumping into the bay, but his options were thinned when Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy was blasted into dust by a laser beam coming from the robot&rsquo;s protruding appendage.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;A laser show&hellip; it&rsquo;s how he would have wanted to go,&rdquo; The Perfect Woman decided as he scurried off in terror, with Yessiryesshesfat at his side.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Why is it that there&rsquo;s always a robot invasion when I come back to the hash,&rdquo; Double Dildo Dick My Daddy complained.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m gonna punch it!&rdquo; Sister Fister yelled, before she too was zapped by the Dalek.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I Cunt Hear You looked around in confusion, and grabbed another donut now that the crowd had diminished in size. Unfortunately, that drew the Dalek&rsquo;s attention, and it was about to destroy him too had Boob Slap not thrown flour on it. Just Jana took advantage of her co-hare&rsquo;s momentary distraction to guide the pack away from the bay to relative safety.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But there&rsquo;s no beer here!&rdquo; Fucker complained. &ldquo;I would have put up with a little zapping had I known there would be no keg.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Did some one protect Hand Pump?&rdquo; Do Her Well cried out in distress.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Jesus Christ your nipples!&rdquo; millimeter Peter threw up a little in his mouth.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh no, I was trying on a B2B outfit,&rdquo; she explained. &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t ever get BDSM advice from Allahu Aqbark, he doesn&rsquo;t understand safe words,&rdquo; she advised. Masterbaster nodded in agreement.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Did everyone make it?&rdquo; Zippercised asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What did the Dalek do to your hair?&rdquo; Vagina Dentata cried out. Just Get It Over With dropped to her knees and wept.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Old news&hellip;&rdquo; Fuck Buddy complained.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;ll grow back,&rdquo; Dickweed added.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;Will it?&rdquo; Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t listen to him, he&rsquo;s just a bitter man full of hate who throws trash at the Jewish and the disabled,&rdquo; Brown Eye held Just Finn protectively as Handidicked cowered by the men&rsquo;s restrooms.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I was trying to provide a disguise,&rdquo; Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch defended himself. &ldquo;Like Just Maggie hiding behind that naked dude in the alleyway.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We pretended to be crossfitters,&rdquo; Wee Wee gestured to herself and Pole Her Bare.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I still feel dirty,&rdquo; Pole Her Bare added.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This is all that&rsquo;s left of On All Fours,&rdquo; Backside Banger held up her wallet. &ldquo;We should all have a drink on her, in her honor. I think it&rsquo;s what Cuming Mutha would have wanted.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Here here!&rdquo; called out Roman Showers. But before they could make their way to the bar, a tinny voice came ringing out from down the street.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;EXTERMINATE!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Run!&rdquo; yelled Minor 69er, who immediately mounted Foul Balls&rsquo; canine and took off into the distance. Twerxes and Mouth Down South leapt for the last beer bottle and dropped it on the ground, causing Ball Buffer to cry out in dismay.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The apocalypse is nigh!&rdquo; he shouted, and took shelter amongst the bushes, followed quickly by Double Man Cum.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Weiner I Am began scaling the building. &ldquo;Am I high enough?&rdquo; he asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Sacrifice the virgins!&rdquo; Just Megan yelled out, taking Just Get It Over With&rsquo;s virgin as well as her own in hand.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Never!&rdquo; Boob Slap replied, protecting her own.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;Girl fight!&rdquo; Circle Jerk and Pepe Le Poop gathered the popcorn.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Wait a minute!&rdquo; shouted Dick Ass Mother Fucker. &ldquo;It doesn&rsquo;t want the virgins&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It wants the donuts!&rdquo; Blow Queen concluded. The Dalek was narrowing in on ABBAA, who was holding a delicious morsel in hand.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;ABBAA, run!&rdquo; cried out Glory Hole, but it was too late and ABBAA and his donut were toast.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Meh!&rdquo; Buck Fucka cried. &ldquo;Save the donuts!&rdquo; Meh, standing next to the donuts, quickly rescued them from the metallic grasp of the Dalek.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What now?&rdquo; Six Tits a Week wondered in dismay. Meh shrugged.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We fight!&rdquo; Brown Eye held up the hash shit.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What did you do to it!?&rdquo; Muff Daddy cried out in horror, crossing his legs.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s circumcised!&rdquo; Skid Mark answered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Brown Eye!&rdquo; Good Shit&rsquo;s voice drew silence from the small group still remaining. &ldquo;Brown Eye, to destroy the Dalek, the hash shit must be wielded by one worthy of its burden. You think you are stupid enough to bear it? You are still smart enough to set your own trails, you fool.&rdquo; He grabbed the hefty piece from Brown Eye&rsquo;s hand.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And the hashshit descended upon Good Shit Lollicock, as a glow surrounded it coming from the heavens. Angels tooted sweet music from on high (or maybe it was just Weiner I Am).</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It is a far braver thing I do now, than I have ever done before,&rdquo; Good Shit declared, and then he placed a donut around the hashshit&rsquo;s corona, a bit of sticky sweetness dripping from its tip, and ran head on to the Dalek and shoved the concoction down its gaping metal maw.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;PINEAPPLE!&rdquo; the Dalek yelped through a mouthful of wooden cock and donut. &ldquo;PINEAPPLE!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Good Shit hesitated. &ldquo;Is that the safeword?&rdquo; Allahu Aqbark yelped in agreement. Good Shit slowly withdrew the cock. &ldquo;Sorry, buddy.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And the Dalek locked onto them all simultaneously and blasted them into smithereens.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End</p>Mon, 15 May 2017 08:45:45 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/139http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/139
Good Shit Lollicock<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Jesus Christ, it&rsquo;s getting bigger!&rdquo; Do Her Well collided with Yessiryesshesfat before scrambling down a dark alleyway. Masterbaster chuckled until he realized the gravity of the situation, falling over the edge of the rapidly expanding sinkhole. Only his hold on Allahu Aqbark&rsquo;s leash prevented him from falling into the glowing depths below.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Weekend At ABBAA&rsquo;s screamed and ran, riding away on the back of a random soccer player with Blowqueen and Tears of Semen rapidly following suit. The trembling ground made Ru Ru Rimmin quiver and Miss Delivery grab a beer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hey, have you seen my buddy?&rdquo; Crabs came out of the alleyway, mouth covered in chocolate. &ldquo;I thought that was him, but I don&rsquo;t think he hablas the ingles, if you know what I mean.&rdquo; He pointed to a tentacled creature holding a laser gun, who was now admiring the graffiti artwork behind them.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;A little help here?&rdquo; Masterbaster asked desperately.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll call ICE,&rdquo; Rhythm Method offered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;NO!&rdquo; Dick Ass Mother Fucker held both hands up. &ldquo;We are a motherfucking sanctuary city, and if we called ICE we&rsquo;d have to get rid of Good Shit, and he still owes me for the masa for the trail.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You didn&rsquo;t buy any masa,&rdquo; Fucker pointed out.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well I was going to,&rdquo; Dick Ass Mother Fucker reasoned. &ldquo;But I&rsquo;m protesting the repression of the hares by the bourgeoisie.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No one&rsquo;s getting deported,&rdquo; Backside Banger reassured them, brushing some lint off his fine suit. &ldquo;Not me, not Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It, not Cockamole&hellip;&rdquo; At their raised eyebrows he shrugged. &ldquo;You&rsquo;ve got to admit the lack of guacamole is deeply concerning.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;My Little Porno!&rdquo; Masterbaster cried. &ldquo;Hand up?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yes, they are hand UPs, not hand OUTs,&rdquo; she agreed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Besides, I&rsquo;ll just have my favorite attorney handle it,&rdquo; Backside Banger concluded, Roman Showers beaming beside him. &ldquo;Hand Pump&rsquo;s highly qualified after all the court summonses.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The ground quaked again, and Masterbaster&rsquo;s grip began to slip.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>Primal Vagina and Vagina Dentata screamed and ran, followed by Cuming Mutha dragging an unconscious Circle Jerk behind him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Really?&rdquo; Muff Daddy looked down at his shorts. &ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t think they were that bad.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hey! I have cocaine! So much fucking cocaine!&rdquo; Masterbaster cried out in desperation.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hepatitis Seeing Eye Dog perked up, darting away from Slap A Bag of Dickz like lightning. Just Oso leapt upon ABBAA and rode him like a Douchicorn towards the sinkhole, while Prison Wallet scrambled away from Brown Eye and Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch, ignoring their plaintive cries. The only reason Twerxes&rsquo; canine was safe was because of Cockagami distracting him with a perfect waltz, the only thing dogs love more than nose candy. Sir Menage A Lot sniffed in jealousy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Thank god,&rdquo; Masterbaster cried in relief as the hounds pulled him from the hole, not even minding the intensive tongue-lashing they gave after the discovered his lie.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What are we going to do about this?&rdquo; Fuck Buddy pointed at the now growing numbers of aliens wearing identical gray pantsuits. &ldquo;I think they&rsquo;re multiplying!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t know they procreated by kissing!&rdquo; The Perfect Woman protested.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And the sinkhole is still getting bigger&hellip;&rdquo; Turbo Twat added.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Let&rsquo;s build a wall!&rdquo; Titty Boo Boo cried.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And make the aliens pay for it!&rdquo; Cunty Butler added. &ldquo;They must be wealthy, those pant suits are high quality.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But with what?&rdquo; Three Fingers wondered. &ldquo;We don&rsquo;t have any materials!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Habardashery!&rdquo; yelled Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And all the shit left in the van,&rdquo; Minor 69er added.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Let&rsquo;s go!&rdquo; Stinky Floss rallied the troops, Mary Tyler Whore joining her and Reverse Schoolgirl in putting all the spare yoga pants in a pile.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Ah, I missed the camaraderie of the hash,&rdquo; I&rsquo;m Drunk told Whackaboob and Craven More Head as he began to stack used cups in a pyramid.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Is it always like this?&rdquo; All Hands on Dick asked Breaking Bad in Bed and I Did But.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;How would I know?&rdquo; I Did But complained. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m from here, but not really, if you know what I mean. Frankly, this is just a waste of time.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No it&rsquo;s not!&rdquo; Cool Handjob Luke cried. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s working!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">They watched as Pepe Le Poop ran towards the aliens, waving a sweaty T-shirt and pants that he had gotten from Just Jojo. They crowded away in disgust, leaping one by one down the sinkhole that apparently was a portal to their home dimension.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Wait!&rdquo; Eat My Pussy cried. &ldquo;You guys were the last spot on my Kink Bingo card!&rdquo; He leapt down the sinkhole after them as it closed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m glad we didn&rsquo;t have to call the Feds,&rdquo; Just Get It Over With sighed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yeah, the last time I got involved with a Cheeto, I couldn&rsquo;t stand the mouth feel,&rdquo; Just Jana told Boob Slap. Got Wood frowned in concern and edged away.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Weiner I Am sat up from where he had been lying and looked around at the mess.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Did I do that?&rdquo; he slurred.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You think one man could be responsible for all of that?&rdquo; Cockarazzi asked incredulously.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Weiner I Am thought for a second. &ldquo;Hold my weed,&rdquo; he said, and dashed off.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We&rsquo;re saved!&rdquo; Udder Moron declared. &ldquo;And we couldn&rsquo;t have done it without Just JoJo,&rdquo; he added, slapping the naked man on the back.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Thanks, man! You know I love this group, and if stripping naked could bring the slightest benefit to mankind, then I&rsquo;d do it every night.&rdquo; He frowned and swayed, the world around him transforming as he spoke.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Do&hellip; it&hellip; every&hellip; night,&rdquo; The police officer said as she wrote.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Jojo blinked, realizing he was no longer outdoors on a balmy night. He looked around himself, taking in the sight of a cold jail cell with Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy as his only company. He blinked blearily at the name tags on the officers before him&hellip; Sergeant Fuck Norris and Sergeant Shaft didn&rsquo;t look like they had good times in store for him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;How did I get here?&rdquo; he asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;Looks like you&rsquo;re finally coming around,&rdquo; Seargent Shaft grunted, thumbing through the paperwork. As he looked down, Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy contorted himself out of the neighboring cell and slipped off.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Sir, what would you say if I told you that you took mind altering hallucinogenics, stripped naked, piled all your clothes into a pseudo-barricade, and then exposed yourself to a man in a wheelchair?&rdquo; Sergeant Fuck Norris asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just JoJo thought for a second. &ldquo;Well, ma&rsquo;am, I guess that would make me Handidicked, wouldn&rsquo;t it?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Guilty as charged,&rdquo; Sergeant Shaft declared.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End</p>Mon, 08 May 2017 09:09:01 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/138http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/138
Bloqueen<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Targets firmly locked, and cannons loaded, Cap&rsquo;n,&rdquo; Udder Moron relayed to Millimeter Peter. &ldquo;Once we demolish his moon fortress, Blowqueen&rsquo;s Aquavit stores will be fully available for&hellip; reallocation.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Mm,&rdquo; Millimeter Peter studied the star maps carefully. &ldquo;And we&rsquo;ve fully covered the outer sector? What happened to the scouting group we saw in Quadrant Eight?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;A group of innocent traders and a couple of families,&rdquo; Zippercised slapped him on the back. &ldquo;I inspected them myself, instructed Muff Daddy to take the standard toll, and sent them on their way.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Sir, there&rsquo;s been an intergalactical protest lodged at the Federation,&rdquo; Fuck Buddy read from her tablet. &ldquo;Something about pissing in the children&rsquo;s sand box, stealing their toys and candy, and then taking the ship for a joy ride around Io.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well, you know ABBAA and Fucker,&rdquo; Zippercised shrugged. &ldquo;Wee Wee tried to stop them, but then Sleazy got into the cockpit and her hands were full. Look at it this way, we gave them an experience they&rsquo;ll never forget.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;As much as they&rsquo;d want to&hellip;&rdquo; Crabs muttered from the comms station.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Do you see that?&rdquo; Don&rsquo;t Tell My Wife About the Big Cock Chains pointed out into the darkness ahead of them.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Our systems have nothing,&rdquo; Whorifist answered, scrolling through reams of data as rapidly as he could.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think I do&hellip;&rdquo; Primal Vagina squinted. &ldquo;Is that&hellip; the traders?&rdquo;<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> <!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Impossible!&rdquo; Zippercised pronounced, but before he could utter another word a strange cloud emerged from the nearing ship and overwhelmed them.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Alarms!&rdquo; Millimeter Peter reached for the control panel, but the gas had already somehow made its way through the ventilation systems.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As the smoke cleared, a figure emerged clad in mystical robes covered in symbols. Fuck Buddy coughed and blinked, but found she was unable to speak or gesture. The figure strode forth, touching Miss Delivery and Zippercised, and so awaking them from their slumber.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;My dear Zipper,&rdquo; Miss Delivery blinked coyly at him. &ldquo;What is it that makes you such a great Captain?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well, Millimeter Peter is a fabulous co-captain,&rdquo; Zippercised said, twirling a lock of his hair.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You sell yourself short,&rdquo; Miss Delivery cooed. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s my birthday, Captain, surely I deserve a special treat?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You know my first love is the Cubs,&rdquo; Zippercised chided.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But maybe you can let me in on your secret?&rdquo; Miss Delivery prompted.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;If you must know, it&rsquo;s my stunning locks of hair,&rdquo; Zippercised answered. <br /> <br /> &ldquo;Let me massage those locks,&rdquo; Miss Delivery offered, moving behind him. Slowly and quietly, he raised an electric clipper.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, no no!&rdquo; It was the Dread Space Pirate Blowqueen. Fuck Buddy struggled to move to alert Zippercised, but to no avail. &ldquo;I won&rsquo;t have it, Brown Eye, it&rsquo;s an archaic religion and half of them are waking up already.&rdquo; He fiddled with some settings on the canister he was holding. &ldquo;We have to do better with the hallucinations than this.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A second cloud of smoke filled the room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Ow!&rdquo; Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It cried, rubbing his jaw. &ldquo;Why&rsquo;d you punch me?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t know!&rdquo; Backside Banger yelled. &ldquo;I was frightened.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Do you think that smoke was bad for the baby?&rdquo; Six Tits a Week asked. &ldquo;We&rsquo;re in our third trimester.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It would be bad, if you were the one carrying the child,&rdquo; The Perfect Woman pointed out.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The ship&rsquo;s no longer on the radar,&rdquo; Whorifist relayed, while Primal Vagina frantically boosted the ship&rsquo;s shields.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Engine room reporting no abnormalities,&rdquo; Ru Ru Rimmin informed them.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You&rsquo;re missing your hair,&rdquo; Douchicorn told Zippercised. &ldquo;We could make a wig out of Just Oso if you want&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We have no time for this,&rdquo; Zippercised cut him off. &ldquo;We must proceed with the plan. Udder Moron&mdash;fire at will!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">With that they watched as their superior firepower demolished all traces of the moon base. Deadbeat gathered a small crew together to patrol, taking Got Wood and Dr. Bombardier down with him moon-side.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well?&rdquo; Zippercised asked with bated breath.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No signs of resistance,&rdquo; Deadbeat announced through some static. &ldquo;The Aquavit is ours!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hoorah!&rdquo; Good Shit cried, tears rolling down his cheeks. Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch grabbed the nearest bitch he could find and hurried to the bunks, ignoring the fact that it was canine. Code For Penis fired up the grill, and they all proceeded to party the night away.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">***</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Roman Showers stared at the still form of Backside Banger, lying unmoving inside a cell with the rest of the ship&rsquo;s crew. &ldquo;This deal better be worth it,&rdquo; she muttered under her breath.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It will, it will!&rdquo; Blowqueen came up beside her, Tears of Semen following closely. &ldquo;A nice little house on planet Mars, lifetime supplies of Aquavit and lutfisk&mdash;what more could a man ask for? He&rsquo;ll be worshipping you for years.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And remember,&rdquo; Backwash said warningly. &ldquo;We could have done none of this without your interference on their computer systems. Deploying the hallucinatory gas would have been impossible without an inside woman. So be wary of crossing us now, for if you do, you will have no friends at all.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;When will they wake up?&rdquo; Twerxes Like Xerxes asked the three figures in biohazard suits beside her. &ldquo;And is that stuff dangerous?&rdquo;<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> <!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Two hours,&rdquo; Reverse Schoolgirl answered without looking up.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And no,&rdquo; Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy added. &ldquo;We&rsquo;re just working on our Bay 2 Blackout costumes.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Best that you be outside before then,&rdquo; Cool Handjob Luke warned the group, testing the lock on the cell door. &ldquo;There are still some side effects to be worked out of their systems&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">One of the sleeping figures moaned sensuously, while another started sneezing uncontrollably. A third was rapidly turning purple and swelling like a balloon.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Blowqueen gulped, and made fast tracks towards the door. &ldquo;Call me when it&rsquo;s over,&rdquo; he instructed, going to enjoy his evening reindeer meatball.</p>Mon, 01 May 2017 10:34:47 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/137http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/137
Brown Eye, Gondalerria<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 22.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Medium'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Medium';">The Hashers Oppressed</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-size: 24.0pt; font-family: Arial;">1&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">These are the names of the hashers who went to the trail at Ruth Asawa School of the Arts with Gondolarrhea, each with a Fuck Buddy in their turn: </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">2&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Three Fingers, Fucker, Glory Hole and Masterbaster; </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">3&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">, Got Wood and I Cunt Hear You; </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">4&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Eat My Pussy and Cockarazzi; Vagina Dentata and Dick Ass Mother Fucker; Reverse Schoolgirl and Pole Her Bare; Cockamole and Tears of Semen; and Just Arnaud. </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">5&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Rocky Mountain Oyster&rsquo;s years numbered sixty-nine in all; Gondolarrhea with him spent some time at a bar.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">6&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Now Gondolarrhea and all his brothers and all that generation drank well, </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">7&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">but the some were becoming exceedingly racist; they demanded trail before beer, increased in numbers and became so numerous that the land was filled with them.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">8&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Then a new king, Brown Eye, to whom Gondolarrhea meant nothing, came to power in SFH3. </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">9&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">&ldquo;Look,&rdquo; he said to his people, &ldquo;Gondolarrhea and his ilk have become far too drunk for us. </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">10&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Come, we must deal shrewdly with them or they will become even more rowdy and, if they get bored, will join The Perfect Woman, fight against us and leave for the On After.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">11&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">So he set trail to oppress the half-minds with forced labor, and he called a van with a cock on it to enclose the keg. </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">12&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">But the more they were oppressed, the more they multiplied and spread, Just Julie relentlessly bringing virgins, and even returners such as Smells Like Fish Tastes Like Bacon, Banana In Public, Resting Slut Face, and visitor Hammer amongst them; so Brown Eye came to dread the hashers </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">13&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">and worked them ruthlessly. </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">14&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">He made Saigon Sally&rsquo;s and Yes Sir Yesshesfat&rsquo;s lives bitter with harsh circle jerks, and even the hounds of Douchicorn, Twerxes Like Xerxes, and Masterbaster cried for relief. But despite Mouth Down South and Buck Fucka calling to the skies for even a Jello shot, none could be found.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">15&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Brown Eye said to the Hebrew midwives, whose names were Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring and My Little Porno, </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">16&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">&ldquo;When you are helping the harriettes with minors, if you see that the baby is a girl, tell her to make sandwiches.&rdquo; </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">17&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">My Little Porno, however, did not know what a minor was and so did nothing. </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">18&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Then Brown Eye summoned the midwives and asked them, &ldquo;Why have you done this? Why are there no sandwiches?&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">19&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">The midwives answered Brown Eye, &ldquo;Harriettes are not like regular women; they can&rsquo;t keep it from getting all over their face. Besides, Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy, Vaginia Dentata, and IDK My BFF Scott took all that the minors offered.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">20&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Brown Eye at this point gave up.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 22.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Medium'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Medium';">The Birth of Zippercised</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-size: 24.0pt; font-family: Arial;">2&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Zippercised was born and grew up.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 22.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Medium'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Medium';">Zippercised and the Burning Bush</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-size: 24.0pt; font-family: Arial;">3&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Now Zippercised was tending the flock of Muff Daddy his father-in-law, and he led his small flock to the far side of the Glen Park. </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">2&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">There Ska Skank appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Zippercised saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">3&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">So Zippercised thought, &ldquo;I will go over and see this strange sight&mdash;why the bush does not burn up.&rdquo; Zippercised was unfamiliar with red-heads.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">4&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">When Ska Skank saw that he had gone over to look, she called to him, &ldquo;Zippercised!&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">And Zippercised said, &ldquo;I have Jello shots.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">5 </span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">And Ska Skank asked, &ldquo;Why are all of my people not imbibing these Jello shots? Not even BlowQueen or Boob Slap have sustenance.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">6 </span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Zippercised related to her what Brown Eye had done.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 22.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Medium'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Medium';">Dudes Without Shirts</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-size: 24.0pt; font-family: Arial;">4&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Afterward Zippercised and Cockagami went to Brown Eye and said, &ldquo;This is what Ska Skank says: &lsquo;Let my hashers go, so that they may hold a festival to me in the wilderness.&rsquo;&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">2&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Brown Eye said, &ldquo;Who is setting this trail anyway? I will not let the hashers go until they eat my hummus.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">3&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Then they said, &ldquo;Ska Skank said there would be a plague on all the racists.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">4&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">But Brown Eye did not heed them.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">5&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">That same day a cloud came over the land and so Miss Delivery, Dual Tools, and Resting Slut Face, compelled by the humid weather, removed their shirts and flexed their pectorals. </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;5 </span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">So freeing was the fresh air to Miss Delivery that he immediately renounced both racism and hipsterism, and pledged to spend the rest of his life at the bar. </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">6 </span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">And Brown Eye was unable to seduce them. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-size: 24.0pt; font-family: Arial;">6&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Then Ska Skank said to Zippercised, &ldquo;Now you will see what I will do to Brown Eye: Because of my mighty backhand he will let them go to the bar.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 22.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Medium'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Medium';">Cockagami to Circle with Zippercised</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">2&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Now when the Ska Skank spoke to Zippercised at the start, </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">3&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">she said to him, &ldquo;Why aren&rsquo;t you starting Circle yet? It&rsquo;s getting cold and starting to rain.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-size: 24.0pt; font-family: Arial;">7&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Then Zippercised spoke to Cockagami, &ldquo;Just Get It Over With.&rdquo; </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">2&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">&ldquo;She&rsquo;s over there,&rdquo; replied Cockagami, and asked Brown Eye to pour down downs. </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">3&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">But Ska Skank hardened Brown Eye&rsquo;s heart, and </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">4&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">he did not pour enough. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 22.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Medium'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Medium';">Good Shit&rsquo;s Staff Becomes a Snake</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">5&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">And so Zippercised and Cockagami spoke to the circle of a miracle they had seen, </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">6&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">&ldquo;When Good Shit was crossing the road, a calamity occurred. He revealed that his staff had become a snake.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">7&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">&ldquo;I have one, too!&rdquo; Do Her Well yelled and waved a girthy pink object at the crowd. IDK My BFF Scott, to his chagrin, did not have one, and was ashamed. </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">8&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Yet Brown Eye&rsquo;s &lsquo;heart&rsquo; became hard and he would not listen to them.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 22.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Medium'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Medium';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 22.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Medium'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Medium';">The Plague of Hymenals</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">9&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Then the Zippercised said to Cockagami, &ldquo;Roman Showers refuses to take responsibility for her hymenal, so someone must. </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">10&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Go to Backside Banger in the morning as he goes out to the river. Confront him on the bank of the bay, and take in your hand the staff that was changed into a snake.&rdquo; </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">11&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">&ldquo;This sounds too complicated, let&rsquo;s just call him for a down down,&rdquo; said Cockagami. And so it was done. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 22.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Medium'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Medium';">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 22.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Medium'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Medium';">The Passover and the Festival of Unleavened Bread</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-size: 24.0pt; font-family: Arial;">8&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">Then Brown Eye said to the hashers, </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">2&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">&ldquo;I will not let you go without trying my matzo. </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">3&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">And Wee Wee gagged when it touched her lips, and Dickweed swore a curse upon the land. </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">4&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">And all who came upon the matzo immediately drank heavily to forget the memory. </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">5&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">And so the reign of Brown Eye was broken, and all racism was forever renounced </span><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">6&nbsp;</span></strong><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Helvetica Neue';">for at least the period of one week. </span><strong></strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span style="font-size: 24.0pt; font-family: Arial;">The End</span></strong></p>Mon, 24 Apr 2017 12:03:55 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/136http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/136
millimeter Peter<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Which number birthday is it this year?&rdquo; Ru Ru Rimmin asked Cunty Butler, who made an unsuccessful swipe at Titty Boo Boo&rsquo;s pants from her chair.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">She giggled, blinked at him, and cooed, &ldquo;You don&rsquo;t think I look a year past twenty-one, do you?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;When I was twenty-one, I danced with a young Buck Fucka on a piano,&rdquo; Pole Her Bare sighed. &ldquo;The world was open before us like an oyster, just begging us to dive in and suck it all down.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s beautiful, dear,&rdquo; Weekend at Abba&rsquo;s patted her arm and took away her party hat. &ldquo;Now, wouldn&rsquo;t you like a nap before dinner?&rdquo; Pole Her Bare nodded in reply and allowed for a helpful push to her room.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Blowqueen looked up, instincts honed by years of experience. &ldquo;We&rsquo;ve got two bare bogeys, repeat, two bare bogeys,&rdquo; he radioed in, moving cautiously towards John Handcock and Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Are the pants in sight?&rdquo; My Little Porno&rsquo;s response cut through the static.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Negative.&rdquo; Miss Delivery was moving in on the other side, separating himself protectively with a standard issue woolen blanket. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m going in, Porno.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Where&rsquo;s Masterbaster with that therapy dog when you need him,&rdquo; grumbled Backside Banger, watching the ensuing low-speed chase down the hallway.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Didn&rsquo;t you hear they rescheduled? We&rsquo;re getting two stand-up comics, Cockamole and Millimeter Peter&mdash;I heard Mr. MP has been collaborating with Dr. Wee Wee on a new program for our residents,&rdquo; explained Boob Slap, who was making herself useful by clearing the lunch plates. All of the icing was gone from the half-eaten crumbled up fragments of birthday cake. Chocolate was smeared on one chair, but the neighboring table was suspiciously pristine.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Ah,&rdquo; Backside Banger paused. &ldquo;You know, I think I&rsquo;m coming down with something. Don&rsquo;t want to give Do Her Well pneumonia, last time she got sick she refused to use the bedpan. Peace.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You&rsquo;re out of sick time!&rdquo; she called after him, &ldquo;We&rsquo;re short-staffed with Hand Pump gone next week so you can NOT pull this again, mister. Just because Roman Showers got her hymnal again, I didn&rsquo;t even know they had surgery for that&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;How does he get to just go off wherever?&rdquo; Meh complained in a low voice, moving towards her. &ldquo;My girlfriend just had her third blowout and I got bawled out for being half an hour late.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Wouldn&rsquo;t you have learned the hole&rsquo;s not for <em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that</em> after the second one?&rdquo; The Perfect Woman chimed in.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;WHO&rsquo;S THAT THERE?&rdquo; Mouth Down South poked his cane at the crew. &ldquo;WHAT ARE YOU YOUNG BUCKS UP TO NOW?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We&rsquo;re not all gents, here, Mr. Mouth,&rdquo; Boob Slap corrected him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;GENTILES? WHERE? SPEAK UP LADDY,&rdquo; Mouth Down South turned and almost fell over. The Perfect Woman carefully guided him to a chair.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Look sharp, look sharp!&rdquo; One Night Only bustled into the room, flicking a tablecloth back into place and sweeping a newspaper under her arm. &ldquo;Visitors, my dears, let&rsquo;s show then our very best.&rdquo; She nodded as Saigon Sally led 3 Licks into the dining room.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;She looks much too young to be here,&rdquo; Boob Slap whispered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;TOO YOUNG?&rdquo; Mouth Down South repeated. &ldquo;HER?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Miss 3 Licks is touring the facility on behalf of her grandmother,&rdquo; One Night Only explained, wincing only a little.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Adopted grandmother,&rdquo; corrected 3 Licks.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, she&rsquo;ll love it here,&rdquo; Cockagami powered his Hoveround into the center of the group. &ldquo;I never got laid when I was living alone.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You never get fucked here either, except by your accountants!&rdquo; cackled Ska Skank, who had followed in his wake. &ldquo;You&rsquo;d be surprised, young lady, how fast bruises still heal when you&rsquo;re my age. But don&rsquo;t tell Just Alexei that we don&rsquo;t know each other.&rdquo; She gave an exaggerated wink and pulled her companion in even closer.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dr. Wee Wee slid to a halt in front of One Night Only, smoothing her smock nervously. &ldquo;I think we have a Code Orange.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That goddamn asshole!&rdquo; Whorifist woke up from where he was napping in the corner. &ldquo;I remember when we got up and felt proud to say that we were from the U-S-of-A. No longer!&rdquo; Primal Vagina patted him on the shoulder as he fell back asleep, drooling slightly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I told you we changed that code, Dr. Wee Wee,&rdquo; One Night Only widened her eyes and nodded slightly at their visitors. &ldquo;What seems to be the problem?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I told them not to go into that ravine!&rdquo; Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch strode into the room, the wrinkles and sunspots on his face the only sign of significant age. &ldquo;I told them that there was poison oak, but do you think they listened? Do you?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Dr. Bombardier and Gobble My Ass have gone on a walkabout,&rdquo; Wee Wee explained.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;DID YOU SAY GOUT?&rdquo; asked Mouth Down South. &ldquo;I HAVE THAT.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Did you check Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy&rsquo;s yoga class?&rdquo; asked One Night Only patiently.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You mean the one where he teaches you to auto-sixty-nine?&rdquo; Cockagami inserted.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Not there,&rdquo; Wee Wee massaged her temples.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The fake bus stop?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Full with Closet Twitcher cozying up to Dick Simmons&mdash;sorry, Cockarazzi, as he now calls himself. They had his Fisher Price camera.&rdquo; Wee Wee sighed with frustration, then pointedly glanced at 3 Licks. Years of frustration and poor pay had taken their toll. &ldquo;I checked that, and when Cockamole arrived I tried to alert her as well, but she was busy putting on a private show for Sister Fister. Next I ran into the UPS guy&mdash;Reverse Schoolgirl has a new package of clothes from her family that I&rsquo;m pretty sure will have to be confiscated for being too risqu&eacute;&hellip; again. So I went by Good Shit&rsquo;s cooking class, but all of the cock arepas they had made were burned because they forgot how to set the timer on the oven, so I had to stop there to put out the fire. Fuck Norris ate one before it had cooled, so I took her to Stinky Floss in the infirmary, who just gave her some high octane mouthwash and called it a day. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span>Stinky Floss also very helpfully said that she knew where Dr. B had gone but couldn&rsquo;t remember where it was. And Douchicorn was putting Oso on top of the crumbling wall where that abandoned gloryhole is--&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;WASN&rsquo;T ABANDONED LAST WEEK,&rdquo; Mouth Down South added.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And I asked him what he thought he was doing, and he said it was for Instagram, never mind that the website is defunct and he isn&rsquo;t even allowed to have his dog here but Crabs keeps sneaking him in on his tuk tuk.&rdquo; Wee Wee paused for a breath.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;Did you check the ravine?&rdquo; suggested Saigon Sally.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;There is no ravine!&rdquo; yelled Wee Wee.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Sure there is, that&rsquo;s where Lizzardo is getting married,&rdquo; Deadbeat explained. &ldquo;Dickweed and I are going to be flowerboys, and Rent Whore is playing piano.&rdquo; He grabbed a piece of cake and scooted out of the room to avoid further questions.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Will someone find out where this ravine is and why everyone knows about it except me?&rdquo; One Night Only clenched her fists and pointed in Deadbeat&rsquo;s direction. &ldquo;Go!&rdquo; Wee Wee and Boob Slap, sensing the opportunity for escape, rushed away.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We&rsquo;re heading over there now,&rdquo; Cockamole stepped forward. &ldquo;Five minute walk, over twenty kegs on tap, and someone said Justin Bieber&rsquo;s hanging out there tonight. Not that I like him, but&hellip; you know.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Justin Bieber&rsquo;s in a ravine?&rdquo; Meh asked in wonder.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, it&rsquo;s that club,&rdquo; Cockamole explained. &ldquo;Where all the residents can get one beer per night on the facility&rsquo;s tab&hellip;&rdquo; At their stunned expressions, she gulped. &ldquo;Oops.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The jig is up!&rdquo; Cockagami sped out of the room, headed to The Ravine for last call.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m sorry, Miss 3 Licks,&rdquo; One Night Only said as graciously as she could. &ldquo;I apologize most profusely for the&hellip; condition that you have found our residence house in. I can only promise that sweeping changes will be made from the top down, and perhaps you can see for yourself if you schedule a visit in a few weeks&hellip;?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;d actually like to book a room for her right away,&rdquo; 3 Licks said with a smile. &ldquo;She&rsquo;s not called Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring for nothing.&rdquo;</p>Mon, 17 Apr 2017 07:50:47 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/135http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/135
Buck Fucka y Pole Her Bare<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Tis a blessed day, ladies and gentlemen,&rdquo; Cockagami&rsquo;s drawl drew the crowd in further as the last rays of light died in the west. &ldquo;For we are gathered together here in the presence of our Lord and Savior&mdash;&rdquo; he nodded at Hand Pump, &ldquo;and we celebrate! We celebrate the redemption that has been brought onto us, mortal sinners, as He has separated the wheat from the chaff and fermented it faithfully.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The choir behind him took a low note, Roman Showers gesturing unsuccessfully to bring I Cunt Hear You into tune. Weekend at Abba&rsquo;s and Minor 69er were harmonizing perfectly with their &lsquo;On Ons&rsquo;, ignoring the fact that Dick Ass Mother Fucker beside them sounded remarkably like a plucked chicken.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We have good news to bring our brethren, today,&rdquo; Zippercised announced above the din. &ldquo;Enlightenment has come to one of our own on this day,&rdquo; he said shoving Do Her Well forward onto her knees. &ldquo;After years of searching fruitlessly, a woman has found her way into Brown Eye&rsquo;s heart.&rdquo; Perfect Woman shed a tear.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Pay attention, my congregants, to her shapeless form!&rdquo; Cockagami bellowed. &ldquo;You can&rsquo;t even tell she&rsquo;s a woman, not that we were that certain before&hellip; faith moves mountains, but we demand more evidence for that sort of thing.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Sometimes you just have to take that chance,&rdquo; whispered Good Shit Lollicock to Saigon Sally. &ldquo;But Abbah was worth it.&rdquo; Sir Menage A Lot let out a low whistle.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> <!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And now to honor our Creator, Code for Penis will sing us a song as we open our wallets and our Paypal accounts,&rdquo; Zippercised declared. Code for Penis mouthed &lsquo;I will?&rsquo; while Muff Daddy passed around a cap. Circle Jerk leaned over to help him out.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oi,&rdquo; Cuming Mutha yelped. &ldquo;This beanie&rsquo;s too wee to fit a brass razoo in.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think he means the m&ouml;ssa can&rsquo;t hold his kl&ouml;ver,&rdquo; Blowqueen chimed in.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s too small,&rdquo; Wee Wee Wee All The Way Home told all the gaping faces.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s what she said,&rdquo; Udder Moron giggled.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s mine!&rdquo; Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It leapt in front of the congregation, wiggling his thumb in the front of his pants.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Shit, this is going south,&rdquo; Cockagami muttered, praying internally to the sky. At that moment, Crabs motored by in a tuctuc, throwing treats at the crowd.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Great, we&rsquo;ve got the cash,&rdquo; Zippercised whispered in his ear as everyone stuffed their mouths with chocolate. &ldquo;Now bring the brimstone.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A breeze picked up as Cockagami raised his hand. &ldquo;We thank most of you for your piety and devotion to the hash. But some&hellip;&rdquo; thunder rumbled in the distance. &ldquo;Some have strayed from the proper ways.&rdquo; Backside Banger gulped and shifted to the back.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Millimeter Peter. One of our very own, here before us today, and what is it that he is clad with?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;New shoes!&rdquo; The crowd roared. Shaft began to salivate, and Bitch Pimp could barely keep her dogs at bay. Just Arno got so excited he spilled Zippercised&rsquo;s beer and was immediately struck by a bolt of lightning.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;New shoes. Do I even need to have a debate?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">millimeter Peter stood demurely. &ldquo;Will it be the lashes?&rdquo; he asked hesitantly, batting his eyes.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t know,&rdquo; Cockagami responded. &ldquo;Will it be the lashes?&rdquo; he asked the crowd. Stinky Floss nodded fervently, and Cockamole brandished her &ldquo;Lashes 4 mmP&rdquo; campaign sign.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;How about some Big Cock Chains?&rdquo; Don&rsquo;t Tell My Wife About The Big Cock Chains suggested. Jizzard and Deadbeat yelled out in support, and Douchicorn cantered in place with excitement.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What about a deep cleansing?&rdquo; Wash This Asshole asked. Mouth Down South cheered, joined in by visitors Pink Cherry Licker and Dung Fu.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I have something for such a scoundrel,&rdquo; Got Wood growled seductively.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This is getting weird,&rdquo; Fucker declared.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Getting?&rdquo; Fuck Buddy asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Zippercised silenced the crowd with a glare. &ldquo;For such a crime, we have no choice but&hellip; to make him drink a beer. From his shoes!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Aww,&rdquo; moaned Reverse Schoolgirl in disappointment.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Not even one lash?&rdquo; millimeter Peter asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Not one!&rdquo; Cockagami threatened. &ldquo;Now go away.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We&rsquo;re lucky tonight to have a new hasher in our presence,&rdquo; Zippercised announced. &ldquo;The spirit of Voyeur has arisen and taken a new host body. We have known this man for years but have learned of even more about his self-possession tonight. Dick Simmons&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Who, me?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Dick Simmons is willing to go to great lengths&hellip; well at least a couple of inches&hellip; to capture the perfect moment on his camera. And so tonight, for not stopping even when nature calls, we baptize you in the name of the Virgins, the Justs, and the Holy Spirits&hellip; Cockarazzi.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Did someone get that?&rdquo; Cockarazzi arose, face wet with exuberance.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh yeah,&rdquo; Yessiryesshesfat grinned at him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hares,&rdquo; Zippercised glared at the pair in front of him. &ldquo;Pole Her Bare and Buck Fucka you have a lot to confess tonight. Your sins are numerous, your crimes unspeakable, your trail without excuse or explanation. You are lucky *hic* that we had beer to make us forget your sins. But there is one thing you are now held responsible for that shall not go without repercussions&hellip; Leave It To Cleavage is&hellip; I can&rsquo;t even say it.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;She&rsquo;s leaving!&rdquo; Cockagami blurted out. &ldquo;Since I never take responsibility for anything, it&rsquo;s obviously your fault.&rdquo; Meh bleated his displeasure and Dickweed shook his fist so emphatically that Whorifist had to look away.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m never coming back,&rdquo; Just Lars confided to Just Josiah.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I, uh.. okay?&rdquo; Buck Fucka shrugged. &ldquo;The bar&rsquo;s that way!&rdquo; he declared.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, right,&rdquo; Cockagami was distracted. &ldquo;Nothing left but the passing of the piece. Piece of Ass be with you!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And also with you!&rdquo; they echoed back. &ldquo;Piece of ass,&rdquo; Fuck Norris said to One Night Only, then passing the piece to Ru Ru Rimmin, who decided to hold onto it tightly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Is she really leaving?&rdquo; Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring asked Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No worries,&rdquo; whispered the figure standing beside her. &ldquo;I think we might find a use for those Big Cock Chains after all.&rdquo;</p>Mon, 10 Apr 2017 08:43:09 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/134http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/134
Muff Daddy<p class="MsoNormal">Muff Daddy chewed on a fingernail. He knew he had waited until the last minute to get started on this trash, but he hadn&rsquo;t been quite sure what he was expected to do. He had had a list of crimes written down, but after leaving it in his pocket, all the ink had bled, and what was left was a sloppy Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch in proximity to a rapidly fading Boner Malfunction. What was he supposed to do with that?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">He chewed on a stale chip. Of the orange food, it looked like there were two opened bags of chips, at least half a cake left, along with some guac that Dickweed had double-dipped on just the way Muff Daddy liked. Good. Buck Fucka wouldn&rsquo;t have to buy any more for his trail next week. Jesus Christ, what was he going to do, and where was Hand Pump when you needed him&hellip;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;" align="center">***</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&hellip; screeching through the city, with Do Her Well leaning out the passenger side window, Hand Pump artfully dodged a tourist taking pictures of an empty alleyway. &ldquo;They&rsquo;re onto us,&rdquo; Hand Pump said grimly, taking a sharp left turn towards the interstate on-ramp.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Fuck Buddy&rsquo;s radioing in,&rdquo; Do Her Well held her ear to a screeching Walkie-talkie. &ldquo;She says they&rsquo;ve got a spike strip system deployed.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This van can take it,&rdquo; Hand Pump assured her.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, it&rsquo;s not a normal system,&rdquo; Do Her Well argued. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s Just Karen. Just Karen&hellip; or as you better know her, Too Much Teeth.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Shit.&rdquo; Hand Pump grimaced and slammed on the brakes. Behind them, the sirens grew louder. He reversed onto the sidewalk, parking directly under a slightly damp tarp that was not currently in use.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;They&rsquo;re sure to see us,&rdquo; Dick Simmons cautioned from somewhere beneath the bags that had been tossed around in the melee of Hand Pump&rsquo;s driving.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;How did you get in here?&rdquo; Do Her Well stared at him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s for my documentary, The Thin Red Line: A Strava Story,&rdquo; Dick Simmons explained.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;They&rsquo;re here,&rdquo; Hand Pump interrupted. &ldquo;Everyone act natural.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A cruiser slowed down as it turned the corner. A flashlight shone on their faces, and the intercom resonated within the van. &ldquo;Step out of the vehicle, folks.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">At that very moment, Circle Jerk and Just Liz came cartwheeling down the sidewalk, dodging syringes and the odd abandoned shoe with startling accuracy. Circle Jerk used the bent fence as a pommel horse, risking sterilization at every revolution of his hips. Just Liz stopped and raised her hands in victory, third grade cardigan proudly stretched across her chest and pleated plaid skit still twirling with the inertia of her gymnastic rhythm.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The officer stared for a second, considering the fact that he had unwisely left his partner at the last crime scene and thus was now alone with a seemingly underage girl, and sped off into the distance.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;My Reverse Schoolgirl always gets &lsquo;em.&rdquo; She winked. &ldquo;In fact, you might say I&rsquo;m&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;" align="center">***</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The Perfect Woman patted Vagina Dentata&rsquo;s back and handed him a full, ice-cold beer.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What about trail?&rdquo; Vagina Dentata wondered. He was sure Just Get It Over With was worried about him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You don&rsquo;t need to worry about trail,&rdquo; The Perfect Woman assured him. &ldquo;Everything you need is right here.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Vagina Dentata peered into the haze of the bar. He thought he could see Roman Showers and Cockamole celebrating their birthdays in one corner with an amazing five-tiered chocolate *vegan cake. In the other, Ska Skank was cozying up to a big bronze hunk of a man, and Good Shit Lollicock was clinking glasses with Shaft and Fucker. Deadbeat and Saigon Sally were switching outfits, and Sleazy had figured out how to display her wares on the inside of a trench coat&mdash;business was booming, so to speak.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Vagina Dentata sighed. His friends were together, everyone was warm and happy, even Pole Her Bare, and there was nothing at all to worry about&hellip; except he was still missing Just Get It Over With&hellip;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Like I said,&rdquo; The Perfect Woman insisted. &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t worry about her, she&rsquo;ll be here in a bit. All you need to do is focus on me. There is nothing wrong with this hash. Do not to attempt to adjust the trail. We are controlling the flour. If we wish to make it longer, we will set more marks. If we wish to make it shorter, we will tune it with a beer check. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. We can shake the keg, make it foam. We can change your focus to a soft blur or sober you up to crystal clarity. For the next hour, we will control all that you see and hear&hellip;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;" align="center">***</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Whorifist tripped over his feet but was scooped up last minute by Primal Vagina. Together, they looked around the ballroom, taking in the sight of some fairly odd pairings. Big Cock Chains, in a floor length gown, was leading Cirque du So Lame carefully around the dance floor, while Dick Ass Mother Fucker spun Yes Sir Yesshesfat into a dizzying twirl. Sir Menage was at the front of an orchestra composed of Mouth Down South, Blowqueen, and Chain Bang, who had managed to find an app for that. The music was amplified by the sound system Millimeter Peter had bartered for at the nearby encampment. What he had offered was left to the group&rsquo;s collective imagination.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Good sir, my lady,&rdquo; Stinky Floss nodded to them as she twirled by with Leave It To Cleavage. Brown Eye and Twerxes stepped lively after them in perfect timing.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I picked this week to come back?&rdquo; Sister Fister angrily whispered to Masterbaster, who winced slightly but refused to cower. &ldquo;All this formal shit is not my thing.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Primal Vagina edged Whorifist her way as they danced. She noticed Ru Ru Rimmin and Just Arno were also convening on the pair.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m not sure what&rsquo;s going on,&rdquo; Primal Vagina grabbed Sister Fister&rsquo;s lace cuff. &ldquo;But what&rsquo;s say let&rsquo;s&hellip;&rdquo; she jerked her head towards the door.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Fucking A plus idea,&rdquo; Sister Fister declared loudly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> Don&rsquo;t Go Down There winced. &ldquo;Quiet down&mdash;he might notice!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But it was too late, and Menage&rsquo;s attention had been drawn. He jerked his conductor&rsquo;s baton, and even Cockagami and Tears of Semen, who had avoided detection until that moment, were forced into the waltz.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Dance my puppets, dance!&rdquo; Menage cried, and the electronic orchestra played them into the night.</p>Mon, 03 Apr 2017 08:06:45 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/133http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/133
Just Liz featuring Douchicorn<p class="MsoNormal">Fucker folded his hands in front of him, quite comfortable in the windowless office somewhere deep within the Immigration Services building. He had been offered and declined both coffee and tea, almost certain that Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It&rsquo;s advice that drink preference was the final test before being sworn a citizen was incorrect, but not wanting to risk it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The door slammed open, and two besuited figures strode in. <br /> <br /> &ldquo;Just Liz?&rdquo; Fucker gulped, a bead of sweat suddenly forming at the nape of his neck. &ldquo;Douchicorn?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s Sir Just Liz to you,&rdquo; she slammed a stack of papers on the desk.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Douchicorn is just fine, it&rsquo;s like Madonna.&rdquo; The man adjusted his tweed pants.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What is this about?&rdquo; Fucker demanded. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m here to take my citizenship oath.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, you&rsquo;ll take an oath all right. I&rsquo;ll have you slipping and sliding into a Sutro Bath full of oaths faster than Whorifist can prove his namesake.&rdquo; Just Liz scowled at him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I have Baileys with cold pressed espresso in it,&rdquo; Douchicorn said helpfully, pointing at the portable thermos in his backpack.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Liz paced back and forth, gesticulating. &ldquo;By the time I&rsquo;m done, you&rsquo;ll be happi-er to chat than Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring about her haberdashery, you&rsquo;ll be Circle Jerking your way into a confession. You&rsquo;ll be crying Tears of Semen before I leave for lunch.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;She gets it delivered so it&rsquo;s nice and fresh. We can get you some if you want,&rdquo; Douchicorn pulled a menu out of an invisible pocket.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What does the hash have to do with this?&rdquo; Fucker asked, perplexed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;Aha! He admits it!&rdquo; She turned and faux-whispered to Douchicorn&mdash;&ldquo;He admits it!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What&rsquo;s to admit? I&rsquo;m a legal adult.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Do you know how many laws there are in this country?&rdquo; Just Liz leaned over him. &ldquo;Do you know how many rules and regulations govern every aspect of your behavior? Every breath you take, every move you make&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll be watching you&hellip;&rdquo; crooned Douchicorn.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, I don&rsquo;t,&rdquo; Fucker answered bluntly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No one does!&rdquo; exploded Just Liz. &ldquo;No one in this godforsaken office, not even Primal Vagina and if you are looking for an expert in labyrinthine quagmires look no further.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Your point?&rdquo; Fucker frowned.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We have so much dirt on you already we don&rsquo;t even have to dig. We&rsquo;ve got you in a Cockagami of an inveiglement and your only way out is to open up.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s like those fortune teller thingys you make in school,&rdquo; Douchicorn explained. &ldquo;Crabs made me one, all the fortunes say &lsquo;Go Away.&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Let me put this in terms you will understand. I Cunt Hear You without a lawyer present.&rdquo; Fucker shut his lips firmly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, you don&rsquo;t have to talk quite yet. You just have to listen.&rdquo; Just Liz gave a tight smile.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Okay!&rdquo; said Douchicorn.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">She rolled her eyes just barely and continued. &ldquo;Let me tell you a little story about a very dangerous man&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;His name was Dick Simmons!&rdquo; Douchicorn interrupted.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, goddamn it.&rdquo; Just Liz looked pained. &ldquo;I told you, we&rsquo;re off that case, that&rsquo;s in Just Arno&rsquo;s hands now, that brownnoser. No, this was another very dangerous man, so dangerous that ICE was tasked with embedding agents on years long assignments to track him down. Months go by, and we have nothing, until this weekend in Portland.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;ICE has been embedding agents in the hash?&rdquo; Fucker&rsquo;s curiosity got the better of him. &ldquo;I mean Muff Daddy is pretty obvious, in retrospect.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;He&rsquo;s not ours,&rdquo; Just Liz admitted. &ldquo;We&rsquo;ve been asking around, but even the CIA claims to know nothing. No, our agents are more savvy&mdash;One Night Only is heading up the Kremlin watch, while Udder Moron handles the&hellip; differently abled. We did recruit Dick Ass Mother Fucker for all the brown people, but just between you and me he gets really upset by his job sometimes, I think he&rsquo;s angling for early retirement.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Good Shit Lollicock is sometimes too much for just one man to handle,&rdquo; Douchicorn admitted.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We have been looking for a man whose face is but a shadow in our databases, whose impact is felt rather than seen, whose marks are deep on the thighs of men and women across the country. His crimes? Ineffable. His punishment? Unbearable. But it may involve some Big Cock Chains.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Douchicorn&rsquo;s face grew serious. &ldquo;We had not a breath, not a whisper of his whereabouts or plans until this weekend in Portland. His confederates conspired to wear a symbol of their loyalty, and two of them, Leave It To Cleavage and Mouth Down South, have since returned to San Francisco. Mouth we believe designed the message, transmitting it through Cleavage and her associates. And upon their return they surely must have borne with them the fruits of their labor to our target.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Brown Eye was our prime suspect,&rdquo; Just Liz revealed. &ldquo;But we exposed him in the forest and found his plans, incidentally, were unrelated to this case. No less nefarious, but unfortunately not in our jurisdiction.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We can only guess at who might have been responsible&mdash;The Perfect Woman? Boob Slap and her friend Just Jana? Fuck Norris with Brave Fart at her side? The Notorious Cunty Butler?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Why does it have to be another person? Couldn&rsquo;t Mouth Down South or Leave It To Cleavage have gone directly to your suspect?&rdquo; Fucker asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Transmitting things is the only activity the hash knows how to do,&rdquo; scoffed Just Liz.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We need your help to decipher the message: &lsquo;Uncle Bad Touch Say This Is Okay.&rsquo;&rdquo; Douchicorn put his best set of pleading puppy dog eyes on. &ldquo;And more importantly&hellip; to find Uncle Bad Touch himself.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Did you check the SFH3 Facebook page?&rdquo; Fucker suggested.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You can trust no one,&rdquo; Just Liz continued as if she did not hear him. &ldquo;Not Stinky Floss, not even Yes Sir Yesshesfat, as honest as he may sound. Masterbaster has long since been compromised by Allahu Aqbark, and we believe Backwash is contaminated as well. It&rsquo;s all in your hands, Fucker. Find Uncle Bad Touch. Find out what This is and why it is Okay.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Is that all?&rdquo; Fucker asked, standing up. &ldquo;Can I go now?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Aren&rsquo;t you forgetting something?&rdquo; asked Just Liz.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fucker paused.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Your oath?&rdquo; Douchicorn suggested. &ldquo;We can&rsquo;t have non-citizens spying on citizens. That&rsquo;s just plain un-American.&rdquo;</p>Mon, 27 Mar 2017 07:02:21 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/132http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/132
Masterbaster & Akbark <p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;It looks perfect on you!&rdquo; Just Tina cried with delight as Masterbaster whirled around. &ldquo;And if you just add this necklace&hellip;&rdquo; Cockamole ran over with eggs in hand, ready to accessorize. Masterbaster looked at his dripping figure in the long mirror.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;So are you ready?&rdquo; asked Zippercised. &ldquo;Are you ready to say&mdash;&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;Guys, guys!&rdquo; Cumdog Millionaire ran over. &ldquo;I&rsquo;ve got something important to tell you&hellip;&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;Shh!&rdquo; scolded Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring. &ldquo;Masterbaster has a very important decision to make.&rdquo; </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;I think he looks a bit&hellip; you know&hellip; in that one,&rdquo; whispered Six Tits A Week.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;He looks what?&rdquo; asked Yes Sir Yesshesfat loudly. Squeal 4 Me snickered.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;Nothing!&rdquo; said Six Tits A Week. &ldquo;I just don&rsquo;t think&hellip; I mean, there are children here.&rdquo; He said with teeth clenched, jerking his head towards Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;You were going to say that he looks too slutty!&rdquo; yelled Cockagami, sitting back and taking a sip of his champagne.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;Slutty!&rdquo; Sir Menage-a-Lot clapped his hands over Circle Jerk&rsquo;s ears. &ldquo;Can we please be a bit more civilized?&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m just saying that I think the dress reveals a little too much skin,&rdquo; Six Tits A Week said demurely. &ldquo;Brown Eye keeps bending over every time he walks by.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;Well, Brown Eye needs to mind his own business,&rdquo; huffed Dickweed, closing the curtains leading to their room. &ldquo;Masterbaster, you look beautiful. You need to go with whatever makes you happy. You deserve it.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;I think what would make me happy&hellip;&rdquo; Chicken Bone Her leaned in closer to hear Masterbaster&rsquo;s whisper. &ldquo;I think what would make me happy is TWO dresses.&rdquo; They all gasped.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Meanwhile, at the other end of the store, Just Louisa was losing momentum in her shopping experience. &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t know if I can last any longer,&rdquo; she pled tearfully to Rent Whore. She pushed away the gown that Sodomentary Cock held up helpfully. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s all too much, too much pressure, too many expectations.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;Do you all have anything in white?&rdquo; Cumdog asked Twerxes Like Xerxes, who was buried in a layer of 69 discarded dresses. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Twerxes shook her head. &ldquo;Of course not!&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;Maybe what you need is some motivation,&rdquo; My Little Porno winked, and linked arms with Primal Vagina, Ska Skank, and Can&rsquo;t Rush Anal. &ldquo;I heard you&rsquo;ll do anything for some mermaid ass.&rdquo; The dressing room curtain slid back into place.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;And now for a word from our sponsors,&rdquo; Just Get It Over With announced. &ldquo;Do you need some bling in your life?&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;Got some!&rdquo; Cumdog twirled through the background.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;Worried that your smile is not impressive enough? Washington Dental is here to help.&rdquo; Just Get It Over With shoved Vagina Dentata forward. The blinding light that flashed from his mouth washed out the room. A loud crash&mdash;&ldquo;Buck Fucka!&rdquo; Vagina Dentata screamed in agony. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;Oh shit, Just Diane ran into his pole!&rdquo; Just Arno yelled with mixed fear and delight.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">When everyone&rsquo;s eyes adjusted, the room was a mess. Pole Her Bare was cracking a whip at Just Karen, while Chain Bang was taking pictures. Blowqueen had fallen under Tears of Semen&rsquo;s dress, and Zippercised had come undone. Jizzard&mdash;or was that Three Fingers?&mdash;had Dick Ass Mother Fucker riding him like a pony, while Joe Pubic Perm was escaping out the backdoor with The Perfect Woman in a pram. Weekend at Abba&rsquo;s was shoving her virgin under a chair, while Gobble My Ass was hiding hers in the closet. Good Shit Lollicock and Just Leo were cackling like old hens at the shenanigans.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;What is the meaning of all this?&rdquo; Leave It To Cleavage shouted at the melee. Boob Slap grabbed a glass of champagne that had been set aside, while Cockulus Oculus grabbed a bottle of Jamison.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Leave It To Cleavage looked around accusingly. &ldquo;I put together a beautiful display of green dresses, handcrafted by small Chinese children, and it devolves into this chaos? What are you, animals?&rdquo; Muff Daddy nodded.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;Lol,&rdquo; Whorifist said, looking at his phone. &ldquo;IMO it&rsquo;s nbd.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;Why is this happening?&rdquo; Now I Know My STDs wondered. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;IDK, my BFF Scott?&rdquo; Whorifist read aloud. &ldquo;LMAO.&rdquo; Cockamole threw the hashshit at him. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;I&rsquo;ve decided!&rdquo; Masterbaster interrupted them all. &ldquo;I&rsquo;ve decided to say&mdash;&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;Hold on a second,&rdquo; Miss Delivery interrupted. &ldquo;This dress is $40,000 dollars. That is like almost one thousand over your budget. We talked about this Masterbaster.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;But it looks so beautiful on him,&rdquo; Wee Wee argued. &ldquo;Look at those lines, the curves, that bling.&rdquo; </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Millimeter Peter nodded. &ldquo;Just the right amount of cleavage.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><br /> &ldquo;You&rsquo;ve got to show more than that to get any attention around here,&rdquo; Cumdog Millionaire groused.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;He deserves it, Miss Delivery,&rdquo; argued Red Hot Vagina. &ldquo;Do it for Allahu Aqbark.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Miss Delivery grumbled, but nodded. &ldquo;Fine, fine&hellip;&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;I say Yes to the Dress!&rdquo; Masterbaster twirled. Brave Fart and Fuck Norris danced around him, while Silence of The Trans blew a party favor. Just Liz popped another bottle of champagne and poured it into Douchicorn&rsquo;s mouth. Fuck Buddy, Cosmic Pussy, and Wrinklepecker brought out the cake that Just Tina had crafted, and a wave of hashers consumed it like locusts.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;We have to celebrate,&rdquo; Masterbaster declared. &ldquo;But I heard some people have even bigger news.&rdquo;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;We&rsquo;re getting married!&rdquo; Cherry Poppins held up Cumdog Millionaire&rsquo;s hand proudly.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">&ldquo;Hurrah!&rdquo; Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy squealed. &ldquo;Why didn&rsquo;t you just tell us already?&rdquo;</span></p>Mon, 20 Mar 2017 10:50:54 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/131http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/131
Straight 2 Hell & Who's Your Daddy<p class="MsoNormal">Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, and Douchicorn&hellip;&rdquo; The Perfect Woman paused for effect. &ldquo;Get ready for THE greatest show on earth. Tonight prepare to be amazed, terrified, and sexually gratified, all in due turn. Our performers will thrill you, delight you&hellip; no, no, put that down!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cirque du so Lame hobbled away from the side of the tent, which was now leaning precariously.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The Perfect Woman sighed deeply and closed his eyes for a long moment. By the time he opened them, Udder Moron had edged away to find the nearest bar, and Cockamole had gotten the hashshit unstuck out of the donkey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;As I was saying&hellip;&rdquo; My Little Porno tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a card. &ldquo;What do you mean Rent Whore won&rsquo;t swallow fire?&rdquo; There was a flurry of whispers. &ldquo;No, Roman Showers wasn&rsquo;t going to put it out THAT way,&rdquo; could be heard between the pair.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We have amazing attractions!&rdquo; The Perfect Woman scowled so fiercely that even Hoseblower stopped smiling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>&ldquo;See the man who can fit an entire fist inside his hoo-ha!&rdquo; Whorifist waved. &ldquo;See our brave and dauntless lion tamer!&rdquo; Primal Vagina cracked a whip towards Slap a Bag of Dickz, who leapt to attention. &ldquo;Our sword swallower!&rdquo; Sir Menage-a-Lot bowed. &ldquo;Our contortionist!&rdquo; Gobble My Ass took a knee.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Watch this dog pull a rabbit out of his hat!&rdquo; The Perfect Woman pointed to Resting Slut Face, who was leading Just Maverick forward.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It stared at the now squatting dog. &ldquo;Maybe it was a rabbit at one point?&rdquo; he suggested generously.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We have a gay medium!&rdquo; The Perfect Woman shoved Dr. Bombardier forward.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hey,&rdquo; Dr. B winked at Just Arno.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And watch this man make mimosas appear out of thin air!&rdquo; I&rsquo;m Drunk waved. &ldquo;I ddid iit!&rdquo; he slurred. Good Shit Lollicock appeared to take him back to brunch.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And our stunt driver will perform feats that will stun your sensibilites!&rdquo; The van skidded to a stop, Hand Pump at the wheel and Muff Daddy in the passenger&rsquo;s seat. He waved, before performing a mile-long burnout, screeching away from them into the night.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;He had the keg, right?&rdquo; Backside Banger&rsquo;s voice trembled slightly. &ldquo;Do you think he&rsquo;s coming back?&rdquo; Mouth Down South shrugged and took out a flask.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But now for our main event!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Saigon Sally hushed the crowd, while Blowqueen and Don&rsquo;t Tell My Wife About The Big Cock Chains leaned in with anticipation. On All Fours made her way over from the petting zoo, and Fuck Norris and Brave Fart stopped staring at the Painted Ladies. Dick Simmons started flashing everyone and everything in his excitement.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The premiere attraction, the most amazing sight that will grace your eyeballs in your lifetime. Starring two of the highest revered performers in the history of mankind, you will tell your children and grandchildren about this one folks, provided you know who they are. Presenting the Great Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy and the Remarkable Straight to Hell in &hellip; drumroll please&hellip;Old Man Death Fight!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The spotlight fell on an empty ring, and silence gripped the crowd. Three Fingers swallowed his cotton candy, while Just Liz took a long gulp from her jugs.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oy, where&rsquo;s the tossers?&rdquo; Cuming Mutha demanded. Cockagami and Millimeter Peter grabbed the pitchforks.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Guys, guys, calm down,&rdquo; Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch held up his hands. &ldquo;They&rsquo;re at the bar. No Old Man Death Fight tonight.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No Old Man Death Fight?&rdquo; shrieked Do Her Well.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No Old Man Death Fight,&rdquo; Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch said sternly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh god,&rdquo; John Handcock moaned. &ldquo;No Old Man Death Fight.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;How can we go on like this?&rdquo;Gondolarrhea cried to the sky. &ldquo;What does life even mean at this point?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Guys, guys,&rdquo; Leave It To Cleavage drew their attention. &ldquo;I think we can do better than Old Man Death Fight.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Better than Old Man Death Fight? How is that even possible?&rdquo; Chicken Bone Her wondered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;With Boob Slap and Whack-a-boob?&rdquo; The pair presented themselves proudly. &ldquo;Easy!&rdquo; Leaning against each other, they put their hands on the hem of their tank tops and began to draw them up.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Masterbaster!&rdquo; Wee Wee kicked the figure sleeping on the ground. He drooled a bit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>&ldquo;Masterbaster, get up!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hmmm.&rdquo; Masterbaster groaned. &ldquo;No, the boob fight&rsquo;s about to start.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;God damn it.&rdquo; Wee Wee stomped off to get a cup of coffee. &ldquo;I hate it when you eat the good drugs.&rdquo;</p>Mon, 13 Mar 2017 08:39:22 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/130http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/130
Wrinklepecker & Miss Delivery<p class="MsoNormal">This is a very important announcement proclaiming that there is no Trash this week. If you read a document identifying itself as the Trash (or trash-- capitalization in this case makes no difference) you would be making a very grave mistake, as if you were Mary Tyler Whore leaving her backpack in the presence of Just Doesn't Get It. You would be no better than Dickweed choosing to run trail, or Zippercised choosing to travel further south than Cesar Chavez. Your fate, indeed, would be in your own hands, Whorifists, or other grasping appendages that you may have at your disposal.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">If you were to find such a document, it might seek to tell you about a trail set by hashers claiming themselves to by Miss Delivery and Wrinklepecker. These people, if they did set such a trail, which they did not, were definitely not Miss Delivery and Wrinklepecker. Wrinklepecker was instead at that time leading a children's book session along with Blowqueen, and Miss Delivery was inventorying donations to the local animal cemetery. Reliable sources have assured many responsible parties that there were no flour marks anywhere near Crocker Amazon, and if there were they were clearly used in Just Ben's game of soccer, which is understandable as he does not know how soccer is played.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">If you were to check public GPS logging websites, which is always a mistake that only r*cists such as Do Her Well would make, you might think that you see a group of people identifiable as hashers in the vicinity where you might think trail would go. All of this can be easily explained by well-known facts. Fact 1: Who's Your Daddy lost his GPS watch inside of a coyote. Fact 2: Don't Tell My Wife About The Big Cock Chains did just that last week and has been avoiding her ever since. Fact 3: Chicken Bone Her really likes The Broken Record. Fact 4: Udder Moron heard that San Bruno Mountain had the best reception for CSPAN. Fact 5: Brown Eye is conducting an elaborate mating ritual and has volunteered to be studied so long as the documentary is narrated by David Attenborough. Fact 6: Now I Know My STDs.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">While we are making announcements, we should clarify for Just Arno some additional, indeed, alternative facts regarding names. Just Arno should know that, much as you can cheat at a marathon and get away with it in this day and age of vast communicative technology, you can also create your own hash name.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Step 1: Create your own hash name. Most of you will get stuck on this step.<span>&nbsp; </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Step 2: Hoo boy, if you thought step 1 was tough, Just Liz, brace yourself, because now you have to create your own imaginary hash. It is advisable that your imaginary hash is located in an imaginary place like Fremont. It is very important that your hash is full of people with silly names like Geordi La Foreskin. Now that we think of it, it is possible that the hash Geordi La Foreskin comes from does not actually exist, and that all people who claim to be members of the Knickerbocker hash are actually being bribed sexually by Geordi in order to prop up his falsehood. If this is the truth, it would be a very large falsehood indeed-- it might actually rate as a cumspiracy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Step 3: Serve as a member of your imaginary hash for quite some time. You might even stay long enough to become GM of your imaginary hash, after which you will never be seen by your imaginary friends again.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Step 4: Disappear for a while. This is not essential to your plan, but it makes it easier on the rest of us.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Step 5: Emerge back at the hash and announce your new name and new identity. Tell us a detailed story about how you were named and all the people involved. Bore us with the technical details, and stack them one on another so that if something is proven wrong, the whole thing comes crashing down. ('What do you mean, you've been to Fremont?') Finally, be sure to swear to your story under oath both orally and in writing, though mostly orally to The Perfect Woman.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Or you can be like Just Lauren and Leave It To Cleavage.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Incoming: Many lawyers including the revered Hand Pump, Esquire, have informed the drafters of this document that perhaps it could at this stage be taken as Trash. Roman Showers would caution readers not to go one sentence further. It has recently been made illegal by Mismanagement to read, think of, or comprehend anything that might be Trash, retroactive until at least seven years ago, because that is what Circle Jerk told mismanagement what the half-life of retroactivity is.*</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In order to keep Three Fingers out of jail, we shall close with a general health announcement to prove once and for all that this document is fully invested in providing for the common welfare and is not spreading rumors, lies, perfidy, or Refuse of any sort. Let it be known that the following items are true and verifiable, or at least that Muff Daddy told the authors of this document some of these things.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Item 1: Certain hashers whose names begin with 'C' and rhyme with 'ockamole' require regular hickeys to stay alive.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Item 2: It has been reported in error that Primal Vagina is having a sober month and has forsaken alcohol. She is actually sober in the sense that the sorry state of this world has left her unable to express joy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Item 3: Boob Slap has been added to the DSM as a cure for female hysteria.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Item 4: Ru Ru Rimmin did not pay Dr. Bombardier for his last prostate exam.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Item 5: Dick Ass Mother Fucker was recently discovered to be a section of the pancreas.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Item 6: After a disturbing encounter with a bit of dark matter that escaped from Stanford, Douchicorn and Just Stephanie exchanged identities and are now inhabiting each others' bodies. Say hi to Just Stephanie next time you see him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Thank you for your attention and please forthhence distract yourselves with reading the back of your shampoo bottle the next time the urge to go outside consumes you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">*The half-life of retroactivity, for our more studious readers, is equivalent to the length of time that ABBAH has been letting his German friend stay at the castle, but if you haven't wiretapped the castle like Backside Banger has, it can also be calculated by dividing the length of Masterbaster's leash with the square root of Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy's attention span. </span></p>Mon, 06 Mar 2017 11:10:08 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/129http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/129
Douche of Hazzard & Just Get It Over With<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Once upon a time, there was a very, very evil Tiara&hellip;&rdquo; Douche of Hazzard began.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Tiaras can be evil?&rdquo; Vagina Dentata asked. Just Get It Over With hushed him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It ruled the land with an iron filigree, and all trembled beneath its mighty gaze.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Tiaras have eyes?&rdquo; Vagina Dentata whispered. The other two ignored him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But a band of fighters arose, to take down the evil force overwhelming their land. A brave group, fierce and strong, willing to risk their lives in pursuit of justice. And so every year, we must gather anew, to find it and quell its power.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We do?&rdquo; asked Vagina Dentata.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yes!&rdquo; snapped Douche. &ldquo;Every year we hold the Tiara R*n to draw it out and trap it. Tiaras love competition.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t remember this last year&hellip;&rdquo; Vagina Dentata argued.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;You weren&rsquo;t paying attention,&rdquo; Just Get It Over With retorted.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;So how did it get away if we caught it last year?&rdquo; The other two ignored him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The signs of the tiara are clear. So much chaos and pain in the world, and so much turmoil. Lives lost, families broken. Just last week my favorite deli shut down.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Are you sure that wasn&rsquo;t the free market?&rdquo; Vagina Dentata took a preemptive step away from Douche.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We will draw the Tiara out with a Tiara shaped trail. We will advertise prizes, and we will capture it before night&rsquo;s end.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;" align="center">***</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t know that what you&rsquo;re suggesting is strictly, you know, legal,&rdquo; Cum Guzzling Cockaholic took a long sip of beer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>&ldquo;Tiaras have rights you know.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This one is a despotic dictator of a tiara,&rdquo; Vagina Dentata argued. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s apparently responsible for everything horrible in San Francisco, from high avocado prices to that pothole on 16<sup>th</sup> Street.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t commute on 16<sup>th</sup> Street,&rdquo; The Guzz answered. &ldquo;But avocados&hellip; okay, I&rsquo;m in. I think we can argue that the Tiara&rsquo;s behavior is against the Geneva Convention and also the Preamble of the Constitution of this United States of America.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Argue?&rdquo; Douche replied from the other end of the bar. &ldquo;I was just going to put it in a sack and toss it off the side of the Golden Gate Bridge.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;" align="center">***</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;" align="center">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Everyone&rsquo;s wearing these blinky cowboy hats,&rdquo; Just Get It Over With whispered. &ldquo;I think ABBAH&rsquo;s costume closet started procreating.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;All the better for us,&rdquo; Douche whispered back. &ldquo;Something that tacky will make the Tiara feel safe amongst its own kind.&rdquo; She looked over towards Fisty, preparing the drinks according to her meticulous recipe. &ldquo;Truth serum&rsquo;s ready. It won&rsquo;t be able to hide. Now go, and remember&hellip; the Tiara needs to tire itself out. Otherwise it may sense the trap. So make sure trail is nearly, but not entirely, impossible to follow.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Meanwhile the pack milled around uncomfortably. They had not been used to the presence of such an ominous cloud overhead, namely a church, for quite some time. Luckily, Muff Daddy was there to draw any lightning from an angry god.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Did you hear the one about the Catholic priest, the Southern Baptist preacher, and the schoolkids on the plane?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yes,&rdquo; Do Her Well cut him off, slapping her thighs preemptively. Unfortunately for her, Cockamole refused her offer of thighs to slap and instead decided that trail should begin. As they ran away, they could hear Muff Daddy warble, &ldquo;So the plane was going down, and there were only two parachutes...&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Indeed, as Douche had instructed, trail was nearly impossible to follow, and so only the nearly insane did so. While some hashers like My Little Porno, Cockagami, and Gondolerrhea visited a Thai takeout boy, others like Cunty Butler and Titty Boo Boo visited the restroom. Oddly enough, never the twain did they meet. The dregs of the pack that made it to the drink check were greeted by a very friendly Douche and lots of fizzy drinks.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Why do I feel so odd about this?&rdquo; asked Wee Wee, reclining in a lawn chair as Douche fanned her gently with a discarded tourist map.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I dunno,&rdquo; Tears of Semen answered. &ldquo;It seems like she really wants us to drink these? Maybe it&rsquo;s just because we&rsquo;re a small pack tonight.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m not used to people doing nice things for me unless they want something,&rdquo; Udder Moron chimed in.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Like your body?&rdquo; Blowqueen asked sympathetically.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You have that happen too?&rdquo; Just Hawkeye asked incredulously.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It happens to all of us,&rdquo; Yes Sir Yesshesfat replied. &ldquo;You&rsquo;re not alone. In San Francisco, a man is nothing but a nice ass somedays.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s enough!&rdquo; declared Douche, shoving them off into the drizzle. Lucky for Just Arno, who had already raced off into the distance, trail quickly wound around to another beer check where they were at last able to doff their soggy clothes for warmer, dryer supplies encapsulated by Hand Pump&rsquo;s van.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Back at the start, Douche and Just Get It Over With put their craniums together to conspire. Vagina Dentata wandered over. &ldquo;Ska Skank looks really suspicious,&rdquo; he added to their discussion.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Psh!&rdquo; the pair scoffed. &ldquo;Have you not been paying attention? If she wasn&rsquo;t fantastically dressed up it would be weird.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Okay, then, Douchicorn&rsquo;s not running. That&rsquo;s strange.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;He&rsquo;s obviously recovering from life-long racism,&rdquo; Just Get It Over With scolded. &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t set his progress back.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;So the priest says, &lsquo;What about the kids?&rsquo; and the preacher says &lsquo;Fuck the kids!&rsquo;&rdquo; Muff Daddy said around a mouthful of Cheetos.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What about Mary Tyler Whore?&rdquo; Vagina Dentata said a tad desperately.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I thought she was dead?&rdquo; Douche asked incredulously.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Maybe her condition improved?&rdquo; Just Get It Over With suggested.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Definitely suspicious,&rdquo; Douche concluded. &ldquo;Good job.&rdquo; Vagina Dentata beamed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What about Dildo Baggins?&rdquo; asked Just Get It Over With. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s his birthday.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;People sometimes get older,&rdquo; Vagina Dentata argued.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But he does it every year,&rdquo; she pushed back. &ldquo;Regularly.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We&rsquo;ll keep an eye out. But the real tell&hellip; is the tiara competition.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The three waited impatiently through circle until their hour of judgment came. Millimeter Peter summoned the tiara contestants forward and marched through the ranks until he had whittled the masses down to Do Her Well and Circle Jerk.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;A final competition!&rdquo; Douche proclaimed. &ldquo;An eating contest&mdash;first to finish this mouthful of creamy goodness wins!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Do Her Well&rsquo;s eyes grew wide, and she forced her mouth open and swallowed as best she was able. Though Circle Jerk filled himself quickly, he could not slurp down the long mass as rapidly as she did. Opening her mouth, Do Her Well raised her arms in triumph and showed all that she had gulped down every drop.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The face of Evil!&rdquo; Douche shouted, running forward. &ldquo;The Serum I fed you will compel you to tell the truth. Answer me, are you or are you not the Feared Tiara of Darkness?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Uhm. No, I guess I just was hungry.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That was pretty normal for her,&rdquo; Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It added. &ldquo;No one lost a finger even.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We must destroy the Tiara!&rdquo; yelled Just Get It Over With.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>The crowd started milling around. Dick Ass Mother Fucker grabbed one of the leftover down downs, and Hoseblower started bartering with Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring for slightly stained haberdashery.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It has lube in it!&rdquo; Six O Nine suddenly noticed. &ldquo;Get her!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And with that the crowd was on top of Do Her Well, ripping the lube and condoms off her cranium, carefully removing the safety pins, and stashing the supplies in their pockets for later. The Evil Tiara was thoroughly destroyed for another year, and all three hares set off towards the bar, satisfied. Do Her Well stood slowly up, stretched her legs, and wobbled down the street. &ldquo;Not what I usually look for in an orgy, but it&rsquo;ll do,&rdquo; she declared.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Muff Daddy swallowed the last Oreo. &ldquo;And then the priest looked at the pastor as the plane plummeted through the sky. He asked, &lsquo;Do you think we have time for that?&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy laughed and laughed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End</p>Mon, 27 Feb 2017 08:26:18 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/128http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/128
Do Her Well<p class="MsoNormal">Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring opened the van so that everyone could grab the parkas. The box was in the very back, perched high above the empty keg, and it was impossible to reach for any hasher except for Dick Ass Mother Fucker. His parka was as black as the night, with SFH3 printed in the back in all black, and his initials inscribed upon the front. If you looked closely enough, you could see that his parka didn&rsquo;t exist at all.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The crowd lined up at the keg, each waiting the appropriate thirty seconds to receive their beer, with the watchful eyes of Hand Pump overseeing them. Chicken Bone Her lifted her cup carefully, trying not to sputter on the foam that washed down her throat, followed by the briefest of tastes of beer.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Something wrong with the tap?&rdquo; No Shit asked cheerfully, prodding at the keg. &ldquo;Huh, kicked early?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Liz edged away instinctively, pulling Miss Delivery away with her. She had been attached to him all evening, and was certain that she should probably cut the cord, but no one had expressly told her it was permissible to do so.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No Shit,&rdquo; Roman Showers said gently. &ldquo;The keg is quite full.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No it&rsquo;s not!&rdquo; No Shit laughed. &ldquo;What are you talking about?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Rhythm Method pulled him to the side. &ldquo;I&rsquo;ll take you to the full keg,&rdquo; she offered, and disappeared with him into the dark.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There was silence, in which Fuck Buddy and Titty Boo Boo shuffled uncomfortably, though that might have just been from a physiological itch. If you looked at their faces, as Backside Banger did, you would not have seen even the slightest of signs of discomfort or concern. Cunty Butler glided by them, face serene, attached at the hip to Religious Advisor Cockamole.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Shall we begin circle?&rdquo; asked Zippercised to no one in particular. The pack shuffled in tighter, grateful for the overwhelming dark. Sometimes circle was held under a streetlight, other times in broad daylight, and keeping an appropriate attentive face with a lax smile could be difficult for some of them.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well?&rdquo; Cockamole laughed abruptly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yes please?&rdquo; offered Wee Wee.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Can I have Dick Simmons and Douchicorn,&rdquo; Zippercised continued without acknowledging her. Wee Wee sighed in relief.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The pair shuffled their way into the circle of light.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Do you see a change here?&rdquo; Zippercised touched Douchicorn&rsquo;s curls gently, then Dick Simmons&rsquo;.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Dick Simmons has Douchicorn&rsquo;s man bun!&rdquo; shouted Mouth Down South.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No,&rdquo; Zippercised paused. &ldquo;Douchicorn has never had a man bun.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Then how did he get named?&rdquo; I&rsquo;m Drunk slurred.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Douchicorn has never had a man bun,&rdquo; Cockamole repeated.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Douchicorn has never had a man bun,&rdquo; Cunty Butler repeated.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Douchicorn has never had a man bun,&rdquo; the crowd repeated.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Go away.&rdquo; Zippercised turned to his notes. &ldquo;Just Lauren.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">She stood before them, awaiting his verdict.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;You&rsquo;re Italian.&rdquo; Zippercised waved a hand to dismiss her.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, I was trying to speak Italian.&rdquo; She giggled nervously. &ldquo;It was actually funny, I wanted to get a cigarette, but I kept asking for a blowjob.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No.&rdquo; Zippercised put an affirming hand on her back. &ldquo;You misunderstood. You&rsquo;re Italian.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You&rsquo;re very lucky,&rdquo; Cockamole added. &ldquo;Italians are our friends. Not like the East Bay.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We have always been at war with the East Bay,&rdquo; Saigon Sally added.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Go now, you are welcome here.&rdquo; She nodded her dismissal. &ldquo;Can we have ABBAH&rsquo;s German friend?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hi, I&rsquo;m&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Unimportant. Drink this.&rdquo; She handed him an empty cup that was overflowing.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s empty,&rdquo; he complained.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You finished it already? Have another.&rdquo; And they sang at him until he drank none of it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;May I have our canine companions and their men?&rdquo; Zippercised demanded.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Resting Slut Face pulled up Maverick. &ldquo;What did we do?&rdquo; he asked, panicking. &ldquo;I thought bestiality was best? Didn&rsquo;t you tell us that last week? I thought it was okay?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Bestiality was never best,&rdquo; Zippercised determined. &ldquo;Bestiality is Double Plus Ungood. That is how the song goes. He sang in a monotone:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Bestiality is Double Plus Ungood, boys,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Bestiality is Double Plus Ungood.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Don&rsquo;t fill your dog with wood, boys,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Don&rsquo;t fill your dog with wood.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Vagina Dentata?&rdquo; Zippercised signaled to the cloaked figure standing under the tree branch, who pulled Resting Slut Face away from the light. If you listened closely, you could hear the gnashing of teeth in the distance.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hand Pump?&rdquo; A hush fell over the crowd as the man himself came forward. Yes Sir Yesshesfat prostated himself on the ground, only pulling up his pants after Hand Pump had passed. Just Arno panted in exhaustion and fear. Udder Moron panted in excitement and confusion.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What did I do?&rdquo; Hand Pump&rsquo;s steely eyes gazed confidently at the Religious Advisors. Unlike everyone else who had been called forth that night, his countenance held not a flicker of uncertainty. It was Zippercised and Cockamole who looked away first.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You left us last week to our own devices,&rdquo; Cockamole stuttered slightly. &ldquo;And so demonstrated to us our utter helplessness and dependence upon you.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh wise Hand Pump!&rdquo; cried out Zippercised. &ldquo;It is us who must drink for being so foolish.&rdquo; And he and Cockamole drained their vessels.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Stinky Floss and Public Enema,&rdquo; Zippercised called. &ldquo;And Do Her Well.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Another hush fell over the crowd, for one of those called had been the hare. But all knew that Public Enema would not be allowed to take credit for his work.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Foolish canine,&rdquo; Cockamole chided. &ldquo;Leaping into pond water, and taking Stinky Floss and Do Her Well in with you.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Public Enema barked, explaining that a small child had been drowning in the pond.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You&rsquo;re lucky that they didn&rsquo;t die in the process,&rdquo; Zippercised added.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Public Enema told them that the child would one day grow up to unite the planet in peace and prosperity. He told them that the child would remember that day, and institute baby swim lessons for all, saving countless lives. He would also invent a really tasty flavor of ice cream.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Two legs good, four legs bad!&rdquo; Brown Eye shouted at him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fucker took up the cry along with him, and he was soon joined by Pumping Ethel and the rest of the pack.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Public Enema, having had enough of this, realized he wasn&rsquo;t tied down. Darting from beneath Stinky Floss&rsquo;s grasp, he ran between Zippercised&rsquo;s legs, and zigged through the crowd. After pausing to bite Muff Daddy, he headed into the depths of Buena Vista to go live with the coyotes.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hare, do you have any thoughts?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Do Her Well stopped pulling the underwear out of her ass crack and opened her eyes wide. &ldquo;I heard that most of you followed trail appropriately. But for two&hellip;&rdquo; she looked in the direction of Dr. Bombardier and Blowqueen.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh come on,&rdquo; Dr. Bombardier complained. Blowqueen was trying to clamp a hand around his mouth. &ldquo;We thought&mdash; &rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You&hellip; thought. You? Thought?&rdquo; Cockamole raised a theatrical finger to her lips. &ldquo;That sounds like a crime.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;A crime!&rdquo; shouted Dickgiorno.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;A crime?&rdquo; asked Don&rsquo;t Tell My Wife About The Big Cock Chains.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;A crime,&rdquo; affirmed Muff Daddy, still rubbing his ass.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What&rsquo;s going on?&rdquo; Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It looked up.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;A thoughtcrime,&rdquo; Zippercised said in a friendly tone. &ldquo;Not to worry, though, we have a solution to that. Just Get It Over With?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">She cleared her throat. &ldquo;A hash song, to clear our souls and minds&hellip;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This is the hash that doesn&rsquo;t end.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It goes on and on my friends,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We started drinking, not knowing what it was</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And now we&rsquo;ll keep from thinking forever just because&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And they sang over and over again, until all jaws were slackened and eyes deadened and the entirety of what they were was the hash, they had no beginning or end, but for SFH3 and Hand Pump.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Blowqueen sat down heavily on the bar stool, accepting welcoming pats from his friends. The struggle was over, and he had emerged the victor, for he loved SFH3, and SFH3 loved him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Heading to the East Bay?&rdquo; Cockamole waved to Saigon Sally.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I thought we were at war with the East Bay?&rdquo; asked John Handcock, scribbling notes into a small book that he thought no one had noticed. Millimeter Peter clicked on his lighter and carefully burned it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We have never been at war with the East Bay,&rdquo; Saigon Sally murmured, as he made his way into the night.</p>Mon, 20 Feb 2017 14:47:53 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/127http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/127
Yessir Yesshesfat & Code For Penis<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Perpetua Titling MT';">You sinned against me</span></strong>,&rdquo; intoned a loud, foreboding voice.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dick Simmons quivered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Perpetua Titling MT';">you have slandered your god.</span></strong>&rdquo; Thunder roared in the distance. &ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Perpetua Titling MT';">And for that, you must pay.</span></strong>&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">***</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Jesus Christ, it&rsquo;s a bit soggy,&rdquo; Code for Penis groaned. Yes Sir Yesshesfat just grunted. The rain was going parallel into the flour bag. Code for Penis had stepped in something he wasn&rsquo;t entirely sure was water. Laid before the hares were two choices: set a short, easy trail in the rain and get the fuck to the bar, showing their ability to improvise and keen instinct for crowd satisfaction&hellip; or not.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Is that street flooded?&rdquo; Code for Penis asked. He watched as Udder Moron paddled by in a canoe. He was scooping up the sewer rats two by two. Yes Sir Yesshesfat grunted in acknowledgment. The hares continued their mission.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">***</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Perpetua Titling MT';">you have persisted in thy sins.</span></strong>&rdquo; A loud voice intoned again, breaking the silence of the park. &ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Perpetua Titling MT';">And for that, it shall rain for forty minutes and forty seconds. For the duration of the hash.</span></strong>&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Did you hear something?&rdquo; Tricrapylete asked. Dick Simmons shook his head and gulped.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yeah, it sounded like my mother,&rdquo; Brown Eye answered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">***</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Perpetua Titling MT';">What I require is a sacrifice,</span></strong>&rdquo; the voice buzzed through their consciousnesses. Do Her Well fell down with a loud whoop.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Is your butt ok?&rdquo; Just Liz asked, voice filled with faux concern.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Perpetua Titling MT';">That doesn&rsquo;t count,</span></strong>&rdquo; the voice continued. &ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Perpetua Titling MT';">She&rsquo;s still alive.</span></strong>&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Mom?&rdquo; Brown Eye called. &ldquo;I did my laundry, don&rsquo;t worry.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Douchicorn yanked Just Oso, swinging him overhead like a bolas.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Perpetua Titling MT';">Not the dog!</span></strong>&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Jana rushed through the darkness, dragging Silence of the Trans through the muck behind her. She knelt by Just Oso&rsquo;s limp form, folding him into Silence of the Trans&rsquo;s lap. She massaged his still body, stroking it up and down, and with a sudden shake he began to breathe once again.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Perpetua Titling MT';">Thank Me. We&rsquo;ve got a Dog Backlog. Since they all come here,</span></strong>&rdquo; the voice explained apologetically.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What is that noise?&rdquo; Tears of Semen complained.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You know the idea that if you believe in something hard enough, it might come true?&rdquo; Dick Simmons whispered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I believe in something hard enough every night,&rdquo; Perfect Woman answered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Perpetua Titling MT';">No, I shall take from you what is most dear&hellip;</span></strong>&rdquo; The voice trailed off, and the rain resumed with fury. The pack, fearing the worst, scrambled to find trail like they had never scrambled before.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You don&rsquo;t think&hellip;&rdquo; Blowqueen began. &ldquo;It wouldn&rsquo;t take&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">***</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;The keg!&rdquo; yelled Backside Banger. His voice had never contained such emotion. Cockagami was sobbing by his side.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Masterbaster looked at him blearily. A drop of blood trickled from his nose.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What on earth possessed you?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s a good question,&rdquo; Blowqueen was studying him. &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t usually believe in higher powers&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Does anyone want the junk in my trunk?&rdquo; Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It interrupted. Dr. Bombardier jumped at the chance, and they disappeared for the rest of the evening.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Perpetua Titling MT';">You have made your choice,</span></strong>&rdquo; the voice arrived to gloat at last.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What choice?&rdquo; Ska Skank complained. &ldquo;We don&rsquo;t even get beer for our down downs tonight, and I&rsquo;m still fucking here.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Perpetua Titling MT';">One of you has revered me for years. He prayed to me every night, studied my works every day. And now he has left my flock.</span></strong>&rdquo; A light shone down upon the tousled crown of Dick Simmons. &ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Perpetua Titling MT';">You have placed other mapping services before me.</span></strong>&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s Map My Run?&rdquo; Wee Wee asked incredulously.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But, like, no one uses you.&rdquo; Millimeter Peter pointed out. &ldquo;The other services are so much&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Perpetua Titling MT';">Silence!</span></strong>&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I do!&rdquo; Brown Eye knelt down on the ground before me. &ldquo;Let me worship you, Father.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Perpetua Titling MT';">It is too late!</span></strong>&rdquo; Lightning struck a tree branch. Just Maverick howled and tried to bite the voice, just barely restrained by Resting Slut Face. Most of the pack ran away. I Cunt Hear You sipped what dregs of beer he had wrested from the keg.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m too old for this bullshit,&rdquo; Glory Hole complained, sitting back in the Laz-e-boy he had bought to celebrate his retirement.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;I thought you cared about your flock,&rdquo; Abbah stood up, hash shit raised in the air. &ldquo;Even those that stray. You keep sending me those damn spam messages like you still give a shit.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Isn&rsquo;t that the point of a god?&rdquo; Circle Jerk asked. &ldquo;To be there only when we need him and to be ignored at every other time?&rdquo; When the smoke cleared, there were only charred ashes left on the ground.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Perpetua Titling MT';">Abbah, I think you are right. Let the keg runneth over!</span></strong>&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh shit!&rdquo; Backside Banger ran off to tend to the now foaming tap.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Abbah, you saved us,&rdquo; Mouth Down South gasped. &ldquo;This is better than when you did me a solid in Tahoe.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Abbah shrugged absentmindedly, stroking the hash shit.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Perpetua Titling MT';">What I wouldn&rsquo;t do for my boy,</span></strong>&rdquo; the voice said lovingly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Abbah is your son?&rdquo; Roman Showers asked incredulously.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: 'Perpetua Titling MT';">It&rsquo;s a Colloquialism. but his hair <em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is</em> fantastic.</span></strong>&rdquo;</p>Mon, 13 Feb 2017 07:49:06 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/126http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/126
Chicken Bone Her<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s quite the massive cock up,&rdquo; Chicken Bone Her admitted apologetically.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> Cuming Mutha dived out of the way of a wave of fire, hair smoking slightly in a corona around his cranium.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Is now really the time for puns?&rdquo; complained Three Fingers.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Code For Penis grinned wryly. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s always time for puns,&rdquo; he chided before jumping out of the way of another flume of flame.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Shaft hunkered down besides Dick Simmons, who was snapping pictures frantically. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s so washed out,&rdquo; he complained, fumbling with the settings. &ldquo;If only it would stop spouting waves of fire, the lighting is hell.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yeah,&rdquo; Shaft agreed, before shoving Dick Simmons around the corner. The bricks where they had crouched blackened under the heat.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Is this normal for Chinatown?&rdquo; asked Roman Showers.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, you&rsquo;re saying this is some sort of Chinese problem?&rdquo; asked Ru Ru Rimmin.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s Chinese New Year,&rdquo; Backside Banger held up a finger. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s the year of the Fire Cock,&rdquo; he added, holding up a second. &ldquo;And there&rsquo;s a gigantic flame-shooting rooster in front of us.&rdquo; He frowned. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m not saying there&rsquo;s a connection, I&rsquo;m just pointing out facts here.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fucker calmly walked across the street towards them and nearly got mowed down by a bus. He glanced up at the massive flame spitting bird, which Do Her Well was trying to entice with treats and offerings of head scratches, and then looked at Chicken Bone Her. &ldquo;Trail is still happening, I assume?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s laid,&rdquo; she said. &ldquo;The trail I mean, I don&rsquo;t think roosters lay eggs.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">With that, the pack was lit off by Fucker shouting On On and the giant cock spitting fire into the center of the pack. Yes Sir Yesshesfat leapt forth, high stepping his way through the narrow alleyways and their enclosed restaurants, only pausing to collect a particularly tasty-looking chicken leg. Enraged, the rooster gave chase to him, only to be distracted by Cockamole&rsquo;s gleeful laughter. Thinking it was a mating call, the big black cock changed course suddenly, causing Just Arno to nearly swerve into Just Liz to avoid its gigantic claw.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Miss Delivery, seeing Cockamole was unknowingly in Mortal Danger, ran forth to pull her out of the way of the now diving beak. &ldquo;Oh my!&rdquo; laughed Cockamole as she was swept off her feet. Her stomach dropped as she was launched hundreds of feet into the air, landing in a soft bed of feathers on the rooster&rsquo;s neck. Miss Delivery had not been in time.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Shit!&rdquo; Do Her Well stomped her feet. &ldquo;I ran the eagle for you my love!&rdquo; She ran after the pair, face sullen and stormy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We&rsquo;ve got to save Cockamole!&rdquo; Twerxes leapt onto Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch&rsquo;s back, stuffing a bit into his mouth. &ldquo;Onwards my steed!&rdquo; She tugged at the reins, causing Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch to fall over into a ditch. Weiner I Am, sensing an opportunity, ran forward to save them but only collapsed on top of the pair. &ldquo;Cuddle puddle!&rdquo; Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring jumped into the fray as well.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Quick, get the virgins!&rdquo; Dick Ass Mother Fucker had grabbed a stool from an old woman who was slapping him with her purse. He was used to such things and successfully ignored her until she gave up. &ldquo;I&rsquo;ll ward it off with this stool.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t know you were into coprophilia,&rdquo; Brown Eye raised an eyebrow.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We said no time for puns, dumbass,&rdquo; Ska Skank slapped him and pushed forward a virgin. &ldquo;We have to lure it into a trap.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hey, that&rsquo;s my virgin,&rdquo; Boob Slap complained.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;She&rsquo;s ours now,&rdquo; Cockagami said smugly. &ldquo;You, you over there. Hold onto this stool.&rdquo; He pulled another scrambling figure over by the orange jacket, pushing the leg of the stool through the armhole of the vest. Millimeter Peter grabbed another one, and Just Louisa pushed forward a third. They could barely fit all the virgins onto the stool, but neither could any escape, and the rat-king of virgins was carefully shuffled over to the center of the square by Muff Daddy, who was the only one interested in touching them.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span>&ldquo;We launch them at our signal.&rdquo; My Little Porno whispered, while Perfect Woman looked through a pair of binoculars.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Wait!&rdquo; Douchicorn popped up, blocking his view, donning a freshly pressed jacket. &ldquo;He&rsquo;s my fantasy,&rdquo; he said dreamy-eyed, manbun carefully coiffed, a scent of fresh daisies lingering around him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Like hell he is!&rdquo; Do Her Well dove from around the corner, tackling Douchicorn and pulling his manbun. &ldquo;He made promises to me!&rdquo; she shouted into Douchicorn&rsquo;s ear. &ldquo;We had a connection.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh yeah?&rdquo; Douchicorn pulled out a letter. Do Her Well paused to decipher the chicken scratch, tearfully looking up at last.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Primal Vagina patted her shoulder. &ldquo;He&rsquo;s nothing but a cock whore,&rdquo; she said soothingly. &ldquo;Birds like that have no shame. We&rsquo;ve all been there.&rdquo; Six Tits a Week nodded in agreement.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well now that our plan is ruined&hellip;&rdquo; Perfect Woman complained. The virgins had apparently escaped in the confusion.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What do we do now?&rdquo; Rent Whore wondered. Mouth Down South gasped and pointed. <br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> <!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I have an answer&hellip;&rdquo; a figure emerged from the darkness, holding a frozen pizza in hand.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s not Miss Delivery,&rdquo; Wrinklepecker concluded. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s Dickgiorno!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The rooster, attention captured at last, breathed a steady stream of flames towards Dickgiorno, cooking the pizza in his hands perfectly. Cockamole slipped off the back of its neck carefully as it bent its beak towards Dickgiorno. Backwash and On All Fours steadied her so she did not fall. Once off, the pair grabbed their Bang Snaps and threw them in a barrage towards the rooster&rsquo;s feet. Jumping in fright, the bird took flight, beating its wings and setting a course straight towards Marin.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think it&rsquo;s going to roost on Mt. Tam,&rdquo; Wee Wee observed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Let them eat cock,&rdquo; One Night Only declared without pity.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m blowing this popsicle stand,&rdquo; Do Her Well decided, having spontaneously recovered from her heartbreak. &ldquo;Who&rsquo;s with me?&rdquo; She climbed aboard the train, quickly joined by Hoseblower, Twerxes, Cockamole, Ska Skank, Sleazy, Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch and Just Arno.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Should we tell her it&rsquo;s a children&rsquo;s toy?&rdquo; asked Don&rsquo;t Tell My Wife About The Big Cock Chains.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It shook his head. &ldquo;Some eggs are better left unhatched.&rdquo;</p>Mon, 06 Feb 2017 08:52:14 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/125http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/125
Just Fiid<p class="MsoNormal">It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife who does not know about his big cock chains.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">However little known might be the views of the wife on this fact, but regardless of this such a truth was so firmly fixed upon the minds of the hashers that all were very careful not to inform Mr. Fiid&rsquo;s wife of any cock chains, big or otherwise, that they had become intimate while in the confines of his household.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Ms. Stinky Floss, upon exiting the bathroom while toweling her hair dry, remarked that it was a very lovely domicile, and that she could not believe there were no cock chains, big or otherwise, to be seen.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Mrs. Fiid replied that she couldn&rsquo;t either.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Mr. ABBAH emerged from the bathroom as well, remarking in turn that his virgin wasn&rsquo;t there nor were the virgin&rsquo;s cock chains which he had definitely left at home, and asking Code For Penis if he had ever experienced such a thing. He said he had not, and together, they raised inquiring eyes to the wife.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> At this Mrs. Fiid gave no answer.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The good Lady Fuck Buddy gave a loud laugh, almost but not quite forced, and said that she had know Mr. Jack the Ripper to utilize very large cock chains in the past, but he had quite given up the habit upon settling down. She whispered that perhaps if anyone in their cohort knew where to find them, Mr. Muff Daddy would be the one.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Mrs. Fiid&rsquo;s lips were pressed quite firmly together, and she but raised an eyebrow, yet this was invitation enough.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Mr. Blowqueen cast a friendly arm around Mrs. Fiid&rsquo;s shoulders and told her that all of the best cock chains of reasonable size and weight were of Swedish origin, and only would take two nights to put together for a person of reasonable intelligence. Mr. Circle Jerk objected to that characterization, averring that familiarity with cock chains greatly hastened the process, and he of course had none of that. Mr. Backside Banger was happy to share his experience while Mr. Hand Pump gently corrected him on the parts that he thought required a more delicate touch. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span>But to a man they denied that any cock chains should be in the immediate vicinity.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Mrs. Fiid was relieved by the sight of Mr. Cockagami, panting and puffing, who pulled a jockey box through the door and swore upon the remnants of his dignity that he had not a single cock chain to offer but that he did have beer.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Mr. Shaft, at this, gasped and threw his hands over eyes in relief and thanked the gods of the massive cock chains that he did not have to suffer any longer. However, he in fact did have to suffer a moment more to wait for Mr. Good Shit, who demanded beer given that the talk of cock chains had left him quite parched.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After a full appraisal of the beer situation, Ms. Cockamole confided to Mr. Saigon Sally that she too had noted the deficiency of cock chains in the region and had traveled quite far to seek one, but had the greatest of luck inside a chamber pot. Mr. Brown Eye grew red and refused to speak with her for the rest of the night. Mr. Yari-Ben pulled her to the side and offered a trade for this information regarding the cock chains in the form of patch.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Mr. Douchicorn tactfully inquired whether cock chains were a hair product, while Ms. Lauren laughed giddily and Ms. Liz took him to the side to explain. Mr. Buck Fucka opined that some tools could have multiple uses, which Mr. Three Fingers concurred with, but said that such days were far in his past.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Mrs. Fiid, at this point, had begun to make excuses to Madam Ska Skank, who patted her on the shoulder and tutted at her, and offered her a fashionable coat without any depictions of cock chains at all on it to drape over her shoulders. Mrs. Fiid waved her off, declaring it was quite late indeed and she felt it best to retire for the night, at which Mr. Gloryhole waggled his eyebrows and told her felt retirement would suit her quite well. Then, unfortunately for her frail constitution, Mr. Cuming Mutha took her by the hand and said something definitely not about cock chains in Australian, and Mrs. Fiid was forced to smile and nod though she understood not a word.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The actions of Mr. Cuming Mutha served but only to delay Mrs. Fiid for but the second longer that it took for Mr. Arno to trip over a large box on the floor, spilling not only his beer, but its contents as well everywhere. Mr. Dick Ass Mother Fucker gasped in fright, while Mssrs. Zippercised and Crabs attempted to shield Mrs. Fiid from the frightful view. Mr. Yes Sir Yesshesfat surreptitiously acquired at least one of the items, only to be accosted by Mr. Wrinklepecker and Mr. Deadbeat who wanted their fair share.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Mrs. Fiid, fed up at last, pushed through Mr. Zippercised and Mr. Crabs and stared wide-eyed at the pile on the floor.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;My,&rdquo; Mr. Udder Moron said gleefully. &ldquo;Those are some big cock chains.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I told you!&rdquo; Mr. Fiid jumped up and down in anger. &ldquo;I told you over and over not to tell her. I allowed you into my house, out of this horrid storm, I fed you, I granted you access to my facilities, and there was but one condition. Don&rsquo;t Tell My Wife About The. Big. Cock. Chains.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, my dear,&rdquo; Mrs. Fiid placed a comforting hand on her husband&rsquo;s shoulder. &ldquo;You of all people must know that a lady&rsquo;s imagination is very rapid. It jumps from admiration to love, and from love to big cock chains in just a moment. Don&rsquo;t tarry too much longer,&rdquo; she added before removing herself towards the door. She paused just a moment more at the threshold. &ldquo;Besides dear,&rdquo; she said airily. &ldquo;I&rsquo;ve seen bigger.&rdquo;</p>Mon, 30 Jan 2017 07:07:11 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/124http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/124
Hand Pump, Ultrahead, & Hoseblower<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Prelude:</span></em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">In darkness my eyes did alight</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">On the strangest Hash Pub Crawl sight</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">ABBAH had kissed</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">But Douchicorn had missed</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">So Cockamole went by tandem that night.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Act I:</span></em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">There once was a hare named Hand Pump</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Who took trail by a treacherous dump</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">With Hoseblower and Ultrahead</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Through muck they had led</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">A pack who, to a man, were all chumps.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">As we watched with horror brave Shaft,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Who we always knew was this daft</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Frogger&rsquo;s his game</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">But his knees will grow lame.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Dodging cars is a young man&rsquo;s craft.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Just Melissa won&rsquo;t go very far,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">With Just Koda running into a car.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">The pack was amused,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">The hound was contused.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">But he still found his way to the bar.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Masterbaster looked such a fright,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">After Allahu Aqbark dragged him all night,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Into the mud</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Before having a spud </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">On All Fours could but laugh at the sight.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Act II:</span></em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">If the virgin Roman Showers had brought,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Could have just one more shot,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">He&rsquo;d see Good Shit drink down</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">The beer poured on his crown,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">And he&rsquo;d never return to this spot.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Our visitor that night was Hat Trick</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Who wouldn&rsquo;t show us his dick</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">But the joke was on him</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Though the light was quite dim</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">We judged size by the bulge of his prick.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Heracknophobia lined up with beer</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Salty Nuts and Sir Splooge Bob quite near</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">They all had to explain</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Why they came back in the rain</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">The pack found their words were quite queer.*</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">(*Not that there&rsquo;s anything wrong with that)</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">I met a half goat and half man,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Rounding the corner of the van,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Brown Eye wanted to know</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Which half was below.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Away in the darkness, Meh ran.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Curtain call:</span></em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">There resides in a country called Panama</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">A man in a state of nirvana</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Diving all night</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-pagination: none; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Banana&rsquo;s in sight</span></p>
<p><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16pt;">Delighting all the Spanish grandmamas.</span></p>Mon, 23 Jan 2017 08:40:46 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/123http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/123
One Night Only<p class="MsoNormal">President One Night Only, who never in word or speech shall be maligned, has decreed that we shall gather together tonight in celebration of Christmas. One Night Only, who occasionally wrestles bears such as <em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Tittyus boo boo</em>, has designed our trail with cunning and skill, with no more and no less than two checks. It is dangerous to have more, for in SFH3, checks solve you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We arrived with perfect weather condition, though our comrade Fuck Buddy was heard to remark that she felt a drizzle, she was quick to correct herself that it was but a refreshing mist. Yes Sir Yes She&rsquo;s Fat informed us that he had never before seen such glorious trail, and Meh bleated in solidarity. Do Her Well gnashed her teeth and never had before been wanting a shower so badly, realizing that in SFH3, flour finds you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Following a rousing jaunt, we regrouped at last at beer van, with Muff Daddy and Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It coming from the bushes, and Zippercised, Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring, and Cockamole wiping their mouths as well. Wrinklepecker and Udder Moron stepped back slightly. All would do well to remember that in SFH3, exercise avoids you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The group was happy to reveal all matters of interest to our Religious Advisors Cockamole and Zippercised who only collect this information to aid in improvement of the lovely citizens who gather together with us. It was first discussed that Backside Banger had learned his beloved wife Roman Showers only has the hangovers so that she will never remember them, which is no surprise to Rhythm Method, who knows as we all do that in SFH3, hangovers suffer you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Next we hear that Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring, due to a sudden fabric shortage, patriotically decreed that all men would be shirtless, and Douchicorn, Dick Simmons, Buck Fucka, and Brown Eye were forced into compliance. As the men demonstrated, in SFH3, chest hair grows you!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We also learn that citizens Six O&rsquo;Nine, MUG, and Primal Vagina had grown at least one year older in the past week, and that Six O&rsquo;Nine had traveled far and wide to tell us so. We celebrated another year of work for our brave men and women glorifying the mother hash and were proud to count another year closer to the grave with them. President One Night Only has a message for our celebrants: in SFH3 the years pass you!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We have also discovered that there were some among us who did not choose to spend past weeks in our lauded presence. We are sad to learn that Blowqueen, Tears of Semen, and Cunty Butler had found greener pastures and only returned when they learned what exactly was watering them, and so we hope that their punishment will be swift and just. On a related note we also said goodbye to Haolewood, who should be reminded that you don&rsquo;t leave SFH3, SFH3 leaves you!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Finally, Just Melissa and Just Lauren happily watched as Just Helen was interrogated in front of the group and were pleased to see her laughing and giggling and not at all frightened by the bright eyes and white teeth shining back from the moonlight. She escaped at the last and discovered to her delight, she did not come for One Night Only, in SFH3 One Night Only comes for you!</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>Mon, 16 Jan 2017 16:05:24 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/122http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/122
Douchicorn & Just Cam<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What an utter travesty!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My Little Porno looked at Gondolerrhea&rsquo;s empty hands with disdain. &ldquo;No hash shit?&rdquo; she asked incredulously. He just shrugged and made puppy dog eyes, grabbing Hepatitis Seeing Eye Dog from Slap A Bag of Dickz for further assistance.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This means the hash is over and we go to the bar, right?&rdquo; asked Golden Snowball. &ldquo;I ask myself often, &lsquo;What Would Silicone Valley Do,&rsquo; and I&rsquo;m pretty sure that&rsquo;s the answer.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well we don&rsquo;t have the hash shit, but it seems that you brought Fleshlight, which in my book is pretty much the same thing,&rdquo; Do Her Well determined. &ldquo;So no dice.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What exactly is going on here?!&rdquo; an outraged voice shrieked through the night.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Shit a NIMBY!&rdquo; Miss Delivery dove behind Just Max, hoping the bright Virgin vest would distract her. Mary Tyler Whore continued drinking, perfectly disguised as one of those neighbors the NIMBY had never met but would probably nod at in spin class. The Perfect Woman dove for the bushes. The rest of the pack, under the notion that NIMBYs are most sensitive to change, stood perfectly still until they heard a shriek and a door slam.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I just wanted to help her get lei&rsquo;d,&rdquo; muttered Haolewood.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The response time of the SFPD is six to nine minutes here,&rdquo; Muff Daddy advised.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Did someone say sixty nine?&rdquo; asked I Cunt Hear You.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Mouth Down South leapt to attention. &ldquo;On ON!&rdquo; he cried.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And so the pack was off, traipsing through the neighborhoods of Parnassus and making their way behind UCSF. &ldquo;You can&rsquo;t be here!&rdquo; cried the security guard, scaring Udder Moron away from the biohazard bags he was trying to fashion into a rain jacket.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In response they rushed into the woods of the Sutro Forest, where a lonely voice complained that they weren&rsquo;t paying $1000 a month for a bunch of assholes running through their encampment. While Pizza Ass considered where to turn in an application, Fuck Buddy pointed out that most of that was probably just for the shared alcohol stash to make the dampness more comfortable. Saigon Sally opined that he never before thought he would consider living in San Francisco, but he was starting to see the brighter side. Roman Showers ducked away into the darkness, vowing to stake out some turf she could rent out on AirBNB.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Grunting and groaning, the pack made its way to Twin Peaks to pop their corks. Cum Guzzling Cockaholic frothed and gnashed his teeth, for his unsuccessful penile enlargement surgery left him incapacitated with the walkers at Golden Gate Heights, where 2 Hot 2 Trot&rsquo;s rain dance (which looked remarkably like the Funky Chicken to Gobble My Ass) had brought her favorite Portland weather to bear down on the pack.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t frown, it&rsquo;s just God&rsquo;s sprinkles,&rdquo; Dick Simmons consoled ABBAH, whose golden hair was suffering from the showers.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span>&ldquo;What we need now is bigotries,&rdquo; he declared, raising his right fist high in the air.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Ru Ru Rimmin gasped, and Vagina Dentata dropped the beer he was holding. Stinky Floss coughed politely.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What?&rdquo; asked ABBAH, walking over to stand under the protective branches and patting the large trunk firmly. &ldquo;Like this one, no rain under here.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The pack let out a sigh of relief so big that it rustled another NIMBY from the suburb that had somehow grown in the middle of the city. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m calling the cops!&rdquo; yelled the man, a phrase that caused one half of the pack to Pavlovianly respond to by downing the rest of their beer. The other half, apparently selectively deaf to that pitch, cried out &ldquo;On ON!&rdquo; as a baby bird cries out to its mother in the hopes removing any confusion as to where they were. Hand Pump deemed this an appropriate signal to move the pack elsewhere.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Luckily for the group, the cops were waiting for them already back at the start, trading off <em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">circus interruptus</em> in exchange for Backside Banger&rsquo;s protips on where to find impressive hit and runs.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You probably haven&rsquo;t heard it,&rdquo; Zippercised started circle, &ldquo;But I came up with this great Douchicorn alarm this week. As soon as the startup funds come through I&rsquo;m out of here.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">While Sleazy helpfully reminded him that he&rsquo;d given up all patent rights as a part of his RA contract, Cockagami scolded the crowd that no ex-hipster therapies had been proven to work, and so they would have to continue to practice the SFH3 values of tolerance and good humor.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">At these moving words, Just Cam felt a pang through his heart. &ldquo;I have a confession to make,&rdquo; he started. &ldquo;After everything Douchicorn has put up with helping me set trail&hellip; he did all the work, and I planned to take all the credit. I even enticed him into rubbing my feet because I told him I had a running injury and it was his duty as my co-hare to help heal me.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Isn&rsquo;t that expected?&rdquo; Cockamole wondered aloud and looked at Twerxes suspiciously.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;After all this, I made a targeted attempt, an attempt on his hipster life. Twas I who busted his ride.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">For his derailment efforts Just Cam was forced to his knees to beg for forgiveness for breaking Douchicorn&rsquo;s bike, and was deemed Chain Bang for his mobile efforts. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I woulda just punched the guy,&rdquo; Sister Fister remarked to Just Get It Over With.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You can lead a Douchicorn to water but you can&rsquo;t make him drink,&rdquo; Six Tits a Week told her. &ldquo;Beer on the other hand? No problem.&rdquo; Together they watched the hares drink their tenth down-down, and a good night truly descended upon the pack.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End</p>Mon, 09 Jan 2017 11:34:25 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/121http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/121
Gobble My Hand Cock<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&ldquo;You don&rsquo;t understand,&rdquo; said Masterbaster to the park ranger. &ldquo;See, I got dragged down a set of stairs by Allahu Aqbark last week. Didn&rsquo;t even make it to the hospital before they called it.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&ldquo;I choked on an aardvark,&rdquo; Mouth Down South added. &ldquo;Could&rsquo;ve happened to anyone.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&ldquo;And I tripped over a pecan,&rdquo; E=McFucked put in. &ldquo;98% fatal.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&ldquo;Obviously, I fell down a cliff while setting trail,&rdquo; Gobble My Ass added. &ldquo;And John Handcock&hellip;. He didn&rsquo;t make it either. Too much trouble.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&ldquo;Death by glitter,&rdquo; Ska Skank muttered. &ldquo;Who knew I was allergic?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&ldquo;Too much dolla dolla bills, yo,&rdquo; Cockamole waved a bunch of ones in the air while lying on the ground.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&ldquo;And I had an accident with a crochet needle,&rdquo; moaned Miss Delivery.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&ldquo;Bad lutefisk,&rdquo; ABBAH clutched his stomach.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&ldquo;Bad sausage,&rdquo; Dickweed moaned in agreement.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&ldquo;I got stabbed by a girl scout,&rdquo; Dick Ass Mother Fucker pointed to his gut.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&ldquo;And I had a run in with a shuttle,&rdquo; Millimeter Peter added.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&ldquo;I tripped while setting up the perfect shot at Sutro Baths,&rdquo; Dick Simmons grinned. &ldquo;Eaten by a walrus.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&ldquo;Too much partying,&rdquo; Haolewood raised a glass. O H Pipe Ho cheered in agreement.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&ldquo;Too little,&rdquo; groused Fuck Buddy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&ldquo;What are you all talking about? I aten&rsquo;t dead.&rdquo; Udder Moron protested, before Hand Pump knocked him in the shoulder.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&ldquo;As you can see, officer,&rdquo; Hand Pump said to the Dolores Park ranger, &ldquo;2016 was a really, really, really bad year. I myself had a run in with a raccoon on steroids, and I have to say the remnants aren&rsquo;t pretty. I&rsquo;m just a ghost of my former self.&rdquo; He spread his arms wide. &ldquo;In fact, we all are. I&rsquo;m sad to say there are no survivors.&rdquo; The group managed a half-way convincing moan. &ldquo;So,&rdquo; Hand Pump crossed his arms. &ldquo;The living you can ticket, but what of the dead?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">The ranger frowned, nodded slightly, and stepped back. &ldquo;Cheers to you,&rdquo; he whispered. &ldquo;And a very creative set of excuses. But lies I know them to be,&rdquo; he waved a warning hand, which grew transparent in the wind.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&ldquo;You&rsquo;re dead?&rdquo; whispered Crabs, voice quaking.&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&ldquo;I am the Ghost of Rangers Past.&rdquo; The figure faded slightly more. &ldquo;Cursed to haunt the parks of San Francisco. But my enchantment grows thin, and I must leave you now.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&ldquo;But why?&rdquo; asked Ru Ru Rimmin. "Why are you even here, and why are you going?"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&ldquo;The same answer for both..." the ranger moaned. "Budget cuts.&rdquo; He popped out of existence entirely.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">The End</p>Mon, 02 Jan 2017 10:52:46 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/120http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/120
Brown Eye/ Gondaleria<p class="MsoNormal">Look at this. Aren&rsquo;t you the lucky one? Instead of one shitty hash trash you are blessed with eight shitty hash trashes. Enjoy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">1.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cuming Mutha dived into the bushes and scraped mud underneath his eyes. He paused as Douchicorn ran past. Behind him, Just Oso trotted and paused. With a human like voice, he screeched, &ldquo;I&rsquo;m coming for you!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cuming Mutha shook his head. The dog had grown in power, starting in the government lab, and each remarkable feat had increased his cuteness tenfold. Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring, just tonight, had actually melted at the sight of him. Literally a puddle on the ground. It&rsquo;d been all that Agent Wrinklepecker could do to distract the rest of the pack.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It was Cuming Mutha&rsquo;s duty to separate him from the rest of the pack and&hellip;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yo, big C!&rdquo; Do Her Well waved anxiously. He could actually see Brown Eye setting trail in the distance. Apparently other duties would have to be satisfied tonight.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">2.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Me No Engrish once again started her wind up generator on her flashlight. Tonight was the perfect night to test it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>She had barely gotten it out of the pile of supplies in her closet, so best to make it count.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Look, gifts!&rdquo; Zippercised pulled out a package, then frowned at its size. Unwrapping it, he could not control his dismay. &ldquo;Batteries!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Me No Engrish dived as the package left his hand, catching it before it touched the ground.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well I&rsquo;m glad someone wants it,&rdquo; Zippercised remarked, taking a step back. At that instant, Millimeter Peter knocked over his beer. &ldquo;I can&rsquo;t win anything tonight!&rdquo; he groaned.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Me No Engrish furtively stashed the pack inside her coat. The apocalypse was only nine weeks away according to the stars, and every advantage would count.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">3.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Earlier this week in Tahoe</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What have you done, Vagina Dentata!&rdquo; My Little Porno looked at her creation in the oven, which was pulsing rhymically.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I thought I was making weed cookies?&rdquo; He held a bag of powdered greenery.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s seaweed?&rdquo; she smelt the bag. &ldquo;And it doesn&rsquo;t work like that anyway. Where did you get it?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Um. A cultist?&rdquo; He watched as the cock cookies began to wave like tentacles from the creature&rsquo;s mouth.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Is that Cthulhu?&rdquo; asked Gondolherrea. &ldquo;This is piss poor timing, I&rsquo;m supposed to set trail on Monday.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Can we bring it?&rdquo; asked Vagina Dentata.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No!&rdquo; shouted Just Get It Over With. &ldquo;Simply looking at it will drive you insane.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">They all looked at each other and shrugged.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;So what do we do with it?&rdquo; asked My Little Porno.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Eat it!&rdquo; Just Get It Over With braced herself and stuffed a piece in her mouth. &ldquo;This recipe needs work,&rdquo; she said, chewing gamely.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">4.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And lo, the power of the highest was with her that day, for Can&rsquo;t Rush Anal did look upon the frothing masses with compassion. And she pulled from the depths of despair one bottle of cucumber vodka, and from that one bottle she made enough shots for all of the hashers. And it was then that Hand Pump fell on his knees, for he had seen the power within her, and he worshipped her.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">5.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The tip top secret naming committee gathered together and compiled their notes.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I heard Just Cam ran a marathon,&rdquo; one of them mentioned.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;I heard Just Fiid has a rainbow cock helmet,&rdquo; said another.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The third had dropped their notes all over the ground. &ldquo;Just Liz owns a polar bear?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The group collectively growled at the figure and then rushed towards it and strangled it. &ldquo;What was it,&rdquo; the figure gasped through dying breaths. &ldquo;I thought lies were okay?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Not funny enough,&rdquo; the group droned.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> So if you don&rsquo;t see a hasher around again, that&rsquo;s why.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">6.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Tricrapylete and Dickery Doo are celebrating birthdays today. How wonderful! They are partying like there&rsquo;s no tomorrow.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And in fact, because it is their birthdays, they might actually have several more.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> Eat My Pussy tucks away his iPhone. He took pity on the pair because of the occasion. Other hashers were not so lucky. Those photos of Dick Shank Redemption, Whorifist and Saigon Sally were not for his Grindr account, nor were they for the SFH3 Facebook page, nor were they for &ldquo;private&rdquo; use. You see, Eat My Pussy, in some twisted Picture of Dorian Gray fashion, had managed to suck the youth out of people through photography.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dick Simmons, having already captured unlimited youth through years of work, was the only one who would escape.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">7.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Shit!&rdquo; the piece of chalk broke under his fingers. Dewalt Thunderpussy cursed his luck. Ever since he had complimented that lady on her butt he had been breaking things. He thought she must have been a witch. Failing the GMAT because of a broken pencil had been bad enough, but now he couldn&rsquo;t even mark trail.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Maybe you can mark it with my blood!&rdquo; Roman Showers loomed in the darkness.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Ew,&rdquo; Dewalt said.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Maybe you can mark it with the hash shit!&rdquo; Gondolerrhea waved the cock at him menacingly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, I simply couldn&rsquo;t risk destroying it.&rdquo; Dewalt demurred.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;Maybe this will help?&rdquo; Abba held up a bottle.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But what if&hellip; what if I destroy it too?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll pour it into your mouth for you.&rdquo; Abba was the best friend a Thunderpussy could have.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">8.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Six Tits a Week pulled his dune buggy up to a stop, letting Primal Vagina and Fuck Buddy get in. Perfect Woman jumped aboard as well. &ldquo;I like being part of the hash trashes that are pure fantasy!&rdquo; he declared.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">On All Fours, in the navigator&rsquo;s seat, encouraged him to drive up the Baker Beach stairs, luckily just missing the scant numbers of hashers going down. On the way they picked up Cockamole and Minor 69er, who complained about the lack of room, and then stuffed in Hoseblower and Rhythm Method to boot.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">At last they got to the beer check, where Masterbaster watched them get out. &ldquo;Is that some kind of a clown car?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dick Ass Mother Fucker slapped a hand over his mouth, restraining himself, while Fucker and Wash This Asshole politely looked away.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>"Are you thinking about vaginas now?" Masterbaster asked. "Because that's the best way to end a Brown Eye trail."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End.</p>Mon, 26 Dec 2016 08:03:11 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/119http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/119
Stinky Floss, Cockamole & Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The crowd gathers uneasily, unsure of what to expect. Backside Banger is looking at his empty wallet with chagrin, while Roman Showers is trying to set off the password protect features of their online bank account. Fuck Buddy pronounces to Wee Wee that this whole production looks shittier than their trail by far. </em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Squeal 4 Me attempts to silence his phone, but he just butt dials his boss. Abba and Douchicorn are giving each other tips on hair. </em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dickweed is thinking of motorcycles and does not stop thinking of them for the rest of this trash, while Brown Eye is wondering about women from a bicycle&rsquo;s point of view. Wash This Asshole is wondering about Brown Eye from a woman&rsquo;s point of view. </em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dick Simmons has his camera set up, he&rsquo;s not going to miss a thing unless the lighting gets too bad. The night is pitch black, and we all know because<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span></em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The curtains open, a scene appears. Primal Vagina and Whorifist are both wearing white wigs and are stuffing Hoseblower into a pair of 18<sup>th</sup> century breeches. Six Tits a Week is attempting to cha cha with Sir Sponge Bob Splooge Pants. All stand motionless. Ru Ru Rimmin brings out a 90s era beatbox and Crabs pushes play.</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A single, unitone voice attempts to <a href="https://soundcloud.com/user-952681053/sfh3">white-girl rap</a>:</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">How does a Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hasher, dropped into the middle of a pack that wouldn&rsquo;t dare,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">To grab for control of what they strive for,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What they thirst for,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">How does she grow up to be a haberdasher and a hare?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The six-dollar collected by Muff Daddy</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Got them a Hand Pump libation</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And hot drinks</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Drank by Cockagami</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Who&rsquo;s not sober, not getting over his hoppy fixation.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And every day they&rsquo;re scouting trail, her and Cockamole</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Up every hill they can find, pursued by Saigon Sally</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Longing for some tight asses to hold onto,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">These hares sent Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch up some stairs too.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Then Vagina Dentata came, and stickers he obtained<br /> Just Get It Over With saw and had to complain</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Saved our haberdasher the shame of our disdain</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And the pack gathered and sang him a refrain,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The word got around and we said you&rsquo;re stupid,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You&rsquo;re just so fucking dumb. Man, if it wasn&rsquo;t for your mother,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You&rsquo;d be a spot of cum,&rdquo; but there&rsquo;s others we&rsquo;ll get to,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">More dumb shit to lock onto,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Like you kid, what&rsquo;s your name?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My name is Just Lucas,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">With my virgin, I&rsquo;m Just Lucas</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And there&rsquo;s a million things you&rsquo;ll see from us</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just you wait, just you wait.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When that dog was a Just, we knew his true nature was hidden,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We named Just Hap for his licking given to snatch unbidden,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">He&rsquo;s hashed well, wagging his tail</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Til&rsquo; the end of his tale.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Say farewell til we meet beyond the veil.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Red Hot Vagina, saying goodbye, full of pride,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Resting Slut Face as her client with Just Maverick by his side,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">She&rsquo;ll take care of your pooches like she loved on Just Hap,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Won&rsquo;t recognize your face, but for that fur she&rsquo;ll have a lap.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The hares had nothing else to do,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fuck Norris less astute,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Left the drink check destitute,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">With Eat My Pussy climbing, seeking absolution</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Solvin&rsquo; marks, John Handcock, &lsquo;cause Oliver&rsquo;s bored</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cheating dogs, Gobble My Ass cannot afford.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Was there a walker&rsquo;s trail? Hell no, walking where we wanna go</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Were we on the real trail? Shit Eating Grin&rsquo;ll never know</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Jumping on playgrounds and shit, Ska Skank brandished her dick</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Her sweater the true hash-hit.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In SFH3 you can have a hash-hit.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In SFH3 you can have a hash-hit.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In SFH3 you can have a hash-shit (just you wait).</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sleazy and Cockamole, Sleazy and Cockamole,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Slug&rsquo;s waiting in the park for you,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You could never go downhill,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You never learned to set trail live,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Oh, Sleazy and Cockamole</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When the pack sings for you,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Will they know what you overcame,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Will they know you rewrote the game,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The hash will never be the same.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The van is in the park now, see if you can spot them,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Glory Hole coming up from the bottom,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The pack destroyed the keg, cause the crimes were not forgotten.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We reported them.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Uncle Bad Touch? Brought a virgin.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Mouth Down South? Drank at his urging.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Haelowood? Keeps on returning.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And me? I&rsquo;m the damned fool that&rsquo;s writing.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There&rsquo;s a million hashers we haven&rsquo;t named,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But Justs&mdash;you wait.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What&rsquo;s your names, hares?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sleazy and Cockamole!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The curtains fall. Silence abounds.</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My Little Porno and The Perfect Woman scramble away before people can begin wondering about refunds. I Cunt Hear You, for once, is appropriately smug. </em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</em></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The End.</em></p>Mon, 19 Dec 2016 15:05:47 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/118http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/118
Fuck Buddy & Wee Wee Wee All The Way Home<p class="MsoNormal">The trail was shitty, yeah, but it was shitty because we made it that way. Those half-assed blobs of flour were our blobs, and they took you where we wanted you to go, on streets ironic in an Alanis Morrisette kinda way, empty hipstervilles, and <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Cockamole</strong> laced byways that&rsquo;ll make even <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Masterbaster </strong>grin. We felt you up like the <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Perfect Woman</strong> and made you <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Banana In Public</strong>, and took <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Sister Fister</strong> in at the end.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">People said Jesus Christ seeing us run down the street, but he was the wrong deity to pray to, because now we&rsquo;re the goddesses of not giving a fuck, and it&rsquo;s our altar you&rsquo;ve been kneeling at all along. Like a virgin delivered in a <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Circle Jerk</strong>, we&rsquo;re pure in all the ways that count, and we&rsquo;ll have <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Cherry Poppins</strong> for all the ways that don&rsquo;t. We&rsquo;ll get <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Zippercised </strong>when we&rsquo;re of age or not at all, and only if there&rsquo;s a little <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Muff Daddy</strong> delivered on the side.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What we&rsquo;re saying is that we don&rsquo;t lose keys because we&rsquo;re ditzy, but because we&rsquo;re <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Whorifist</strong>, and we don&rsquo;t take sexy selfies for sluttiness, but because we&rsquo;re <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Dick Simmons</strong>, and we don&rsquo;t talk in <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Code For Penis</strong> when we can just ask an <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Udder Moron</strong> to hand <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Geordi Le Foreskin</strong> to us. We love our <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Primal Vagina</strong> and <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Six Tits</strong> <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">a Week</strong> enough to <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Pole Her Bare</strong> when we please, not for you but for ourselves. Or not.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">We(e Wee</strong>)&rsquo;d make you a cake, but not because we&rsquo;re all good at baking but because we can mother <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Fucker</strong>ing read a recipe and care about our friends enough to put in the effort. We&rsquo;ll clean up after our Snoballs have blown, and we&rsquo;ll <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Miss Delivery</strong> our gratitude to any <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Dick Ass Mother Fucker</strong> we&rsquo;ll choose to, and we might <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">even Wash This Asshole</strong> when we&rsquo;re done. We&rsquo;ll say please and thank you like our <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Cuming Mutha</strong>&rsquo;s have taught us, because we&rsquo;re not always <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Douchicorn</strong>s when it comes down to us. And if someone calls us a <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy</strong> we&rsquo;ll be proud of it.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But make no mistake, you&rsquo;ll love us even when we&rsquo;re being <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Jack the Ripper</strong>s, and <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Deadbeat</strong>s. Our <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Stinky Floss</strong>es have a lot to show you <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Buck Fucka</strong>s, and&hellip; <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Meh</strong>. It&rsquo;s just like I&rsquo;m talking <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Me No Engrish</strong> now&mdash;what all is in a name anyway?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We can give someone a moniker but in the end it tells you just as much about a person as <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Just Liz</strong>, <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Just David</strong>, <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Just Jessica</strong> and <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Just Cam</strong> do. So never judge a <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Brown Eye </strong>by his <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Hoseblower</strong>, because if there&rsquo;s one thing in our collective consciousness it should be the unplumbable depths of someone&rsquo;s heart.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So I can start this off in the spirit of woman power and segue to the unique truth, warts and all, of everyone who I&rsquo;ve come to love over the years. But at the end I have to give tribute to one person in particular, whose sense of humor, wisdom, sensibility, and kindness has been around for ten years now, and who we will be lucky to have with us for the years to come.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And without letting a <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Wrinklepecker</strong> get into all the name shenanigans, let&rsquo;s just <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Saigon Sally</strong> forth to the sunset.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Happy birthday, <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Fuck</strong>&hellip;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Buddy</strong>.</p>Mon, 12 Dec 2016 07:03:37 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/117http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/117
My Little Porno<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">In a world gone mad,</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m going to stay sober for a whole day! Who&rsquo;s with me?&rdquo; I&rsquo;m Drunk looks around. Haolewood cheers.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Where cocks run rampant,</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cockagami, Cockamole, and Sodomentary Cock run down the road doing 6 minute miles, pulling John Handcock along after them. Cockulus Oculus clicks times off, yelling at them to go faster.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">And good friends are hard to find.</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fuck Buddy disappears around a corner.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I haven&rsquo;t seen the pack in days!&rdquo; Dick Simmons declares.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">A group of hashers has discovered that their little drinking group may not be so drunken after all.</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I thought we were there for some good old Thanksgiving cheer,&rdquo; Wee Wee groans. &ldquo;But then we stopped drinking and went for a walk!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I just had one bottle of wine,&rdquo; Cirque du so Lame says soberly. &ldquo;And now Ru Ru Rimmin&rsquo;s family is going to disown me!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">In a time when not even the returners can remind them of their roots.</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Winner!&rdquo; yells Minor 69er, watching Oedipussy race Sad He Ate Her, Banana In Public, and Sir Menage A Lot into the beer check.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m foot loose, fancy free, and ready to run!&rdquo; cries Drunkin Honuts.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">And visitors are&hellip; up to their own devices.</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Lick it good&hellip;&rdquo; mutters Where My Money. Public Enema pants by his ankles, while Eyehole takes photographs.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Only one harriette can come to their rescue.</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The post-thanksgiving trail? Sure, I can make it easy for you,&rdquo; My Little Porno hangs up the phone.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">This Thanksgiving,</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;A pound of flour will do.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hand Pump looks at My Little Porno doubtfully.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Trail will be two miles, tops.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">A story of hope, redemption&hellip;</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fucker sidles up to the bar. &ldquo;Let&rsquo;s have a round for all my walker friends.&rdquo; Gobble My Ass, Millimeter Peter, Blowqueen and Douchicorn cheer.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">And love.</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A trail of garments, wine bottles, and one ID reading &lsquo;Roman Showers&rsquo; lines a path towards the van, now rocking rhythmically.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I wish I knew how to quit you!&rdquo; Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch hugs a sack of flour.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong>But sometimes even fairy tales don&rsquo;t have happy endings.</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think we&rsquo;re nearly to San Bruno,&rdquo; moans Circle Jerk.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m lying on the cold, hard ground,&rdquo; weeps Meh.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Get up and fight like a Meh!&rdquo; Stinky Floss kicks him until he starts running again.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">And putting one&rsquo;s trust in even the finest of harriettes,</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think trail goes that way!&rdquo; Primal Vagina takes off.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Isn&rsquo;t that the MUNI tunnel?&rdquo; asked Whorifist.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">May have its consequences...</strong>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Ahhhh! AAAAHHHH!&rdquo; Me No Engrish yells as a little old lady pushes her cart over her foot.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Where&rsquo;s my fucking meat shield?&rdquo; she screams in agony.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just David ducks further down into the cart.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong>The San Francisco Hash House Harriers must band together</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Are you sure we&rsquo;ll all fit?&rdquo; asks Muff Daddy, pushing Do Her Well into the van after Masterbaster.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Twerxes can go under the steering wheel,&rdquo; Udder Moron dictates.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What we need is lubrication!&rdquo; Sir Spongebob Sploogepants points out. Brown Eye unzips his pants.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">To triumph over evil,</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Two miles,&rdquo; snorts My Little Porno. &ldquo;Two before the drink check, that is. Muahahahaaha.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">And learn what really matters in life,</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;So if the the oozing lasts more than two days you definitely need to see a doctor,&rdquo; Mouth Down South explains.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Is having friends you can count on.</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Do we always get this drunk?&rdquo; Just Tom asks Just David. David belches in reply.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Starring Cherry Poppins as That Guy In All The Movies Who Looks Really Familiar But You Don&rsquo;t Know His Name&hellip;</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Slap A Bag Of Dickz runs off into the distance.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Hoseblower as Dr. Emmett Brown&hellip;</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Great Scott!&rdquo; Hoseblower waves a finger high.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Chicken Bone Her, Fuck Norris, and Dick Ass Mother Fucker as Charlie&rsquo;s Angels&hellip;</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Perfect Woman runs up to a cliff and leaps off of it, diving into the water below.&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">And Douchicorn&rsquo;s Fucking Cute Little Dog.</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Arf, arf!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Cumming to a theater near you. &lsquo;My Little Porno&rsquo;s Trot of Horrors.&rsquo;</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Rated NC-17.</strong></p>Mon, 05 Dec 2016 08:37:51 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/116http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/116
Whorifist, Just Robbed (East LA), Grassy Ass (San Diego)<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Prelube</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Shit, there&rsquo;s one over there!&rdquo; Grassy Ass dived into the bushes. &ldquo;Let me know when it&rsquo;s all clear.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Robbed and Whorifist whistled and looked to the sky. &ldquo;Say, doesn&rsquo;t that look an awful lot like Wee Wee?&rdquo; wondered Whorifist.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Who?&rdquo; Just Robbed peered around Whorifist&rsquo;s shoulder, but the woman was gone.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We&rsquo;ve got to keep going another block,&rdquo; declared Grassy Ass, striding forward with the other two left in his wake. &ldquo;There&rsquo;s not going to be a single white woman living here,&rdquo; he announced.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well yeah, it&rsquo;s McLaren Park.&rdquo; Whorifist rolled his eyes.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Jesus Christ, what&rsquo;s that?&rdquo; Just Robbed leapt as a figure crawled out of the poison oak and stumbled down the street.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Do Her Well?&rdquo; Whorifist frowned.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Further, further,&rdquo; insisted Grassy Ass, panicking. He pushed them deeper into the park, turning to the right as another woman approached&mdash;(&ldquo;Fuck Buddy!&rdquo; Whorifist yelped)&mdash;and then turning a sharp left to avoid another&mdash;(&ldquo;Pole Her Bare?&rdquo; Whorifist wondered).</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Guys, I think something&rsquo;s going on,&rdquo; he said, but Grassy and Just Robbed were beyond listening at this point, power-walking towards Bayshore at full speed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I know,&rdquo; Just Robbed declared. &ldquo;The Alemany farmer&rsquo;s market.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">They arrived, only to be greeted with the sight of Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring and On All Fours picking over the cucumbers for the best specimen.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What exactly is going on?&rdquo; Whorifist demanded, grabbing her by the gourd.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I just got a bit lost,&rdquo; Sleazy said innocently. &ldquo;But On All Fours took me under her wing. Let go, this one&rsquo;s not firm enough.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Guys, I think they&rsquo;re plotting something,&rdquo; Whorifist whispered, but Just Robbed and Grassy had already taken off again.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This playground is perfect,&rdquo; declared Just Robbed. &ldquo;Not a single white woman in sight.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s a playground next to Bernal Heights. In the middle of the day on the weekend. And you think there seriously aren&rsquo;t any white women around?&rdquo; Whorifist was starting to grow hysterical. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s a plot, a big plot, I don&rsquo;t know what they&rsquo;re thinking but they&rsquo;re definitely sending us this way&hellip; Vagina Dentata!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh hi there, Whorifist!&rdquo; he grinned and waved. Beside him Just Maverick yelped.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What are you doing with the dog?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Just Maverick was having trouble with the hash shit,&rdquo; Vagina Dentata told him innocently. &ldquo;So Brown Eye and I were taking him for a walk for Resting Slut Face.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hence the derth of women,&rdquo; Whorifist concluded, watching Brown Eye pace by the gate. &ldquo;You&rsquo;re in on this, aren&rsquo;t you?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Me?&rdquo; Vagina Dentata widened his eyes. &ldquo;What do I know?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Indeed,&rdquo; Whorifist muttered. &ldquo;Indeed.&rdquo;<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>He scrambled to catch up with his co-hares.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">On On</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m fucking parched,&rdquo; Douchicorn declared, clawing at the ground. &ldquo;Water, I need water.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Wanna go for a dive?&rdquo; Banana In Public suggested. &ldquo;I can take you under no problem now.&rdquo; Boner Malfunction melted at the thought.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Rocky Mountain Oyster shoved Haolewood away from the keg and dragged Douchicorn under the open tap. &ldquo;Good use for this swill,&rdquo; he declared, laughing as Douchicorn sputtered. Just Jesse sighed and waited his turn.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fucker was bent over, leaning on Deadbeat who for once was available for trail support. &ldquo;A bit much, no?&rdquo; he remarked to Masterbaster, who was patting a sweaty Allahu Aqbark.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hey, you get what you pay for,&rdquo; Masterbaster shrugged, watching Eat My Pussy approach. &ldquo;I think trail went that way,&rdquo; he pointed at a bit of white trash in the street, prompting EMP to take off again. &ldquo;He&rsquo;s fallen for that twice now. Must be getting senile.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That was truly a racist SFH3 trail,&rdquo; Cuming Mutha patted Grassy Ass on the back. &ldquo;What inspired it?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We were going for a theme here,&rdquo; Grassy Ass spread his hands in the air. &ldquo;Where Da White Women At?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Wouldn&rsquo;t that be the Gypsies?&rdquo; Where My Money, who was visiting from Saipan, asked. &ldquo;I thought that was the Women Only hash.&rdquo; His friend Eyehole nodded.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Miss Delivery grasped his chest, trying to catch his breath. Backside Banger leaned against the side of the van, eyes tearing. Tricrapylete took the pair over to the side to explain a few things.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Grassy Ass continued, &ldquo;It was going to be shorter, but Do Her Well made me move the start. And then it turns out white women were everywhere in the city. We had to keep going and going.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Gentrification is a bitch,&rdquo; nodded Mouth Down South.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Speaking of women, have you seen Tears of Semen?&rdquo; asked Blowqueen.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Not since our last time at the dog park,&rdquo; John Handcock reined in Just Oliver, who was humping Muff Daddy&rsquo;s leg.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And Weekend At Abba&rsquo;s isn&rsquo;t here either,&rdquo; Dick Ass Mother Fucker pointed out.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Cockamole was just behind me,&rdquo; insisted Ru Ru Rimmin. &ldquo;So were Stinky Floss and Twerxes.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;So what are you doing here?&rdquo; asked Saigon Sally.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What are any of us doing here?&rdquo; Glad He Ate Her replied. &ldquo;I thought there was Grassy Ass&rsquo;s home cooking to be had! Let&rsquo;s go!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Back At The Start</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Ska Skank dived into the warm taco, enjoying the flavorful sauce dripping from the sides. My Little Porno wiped her messy hands on the wet grass, then went back in for seconds. Cumdog Millionaire groaned. &ldquo;If Cherry Poppins found out&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No one says anything,&rdquo; Primal Vagina threatened. &ldquo;This plan has gone off without a hitch so far&mdash;those assholes have been running the longest trail of the year leaving us to the food! If you leak anything, I&rsquo;ve got pictures of tonight. I&rsquo;ll put them online&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Macayla nodded in wide-eyed fright. Perfect Woman looked up mid bite. &ldquo;Would you? Regular porn&rsquo;s not doing it for me anymore, but the memory of this might help.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;ll be ten dollars,&rdquo; Primal Vagina negotiated.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Five,&rdquo; replied Perfect Woman, briefly distracted by Just Maverick going for his taco.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>Luckily Resting Slut Face pulled him back in time.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m so glad we got to be honorary women,&rdquo; Vagina Dentata remarked to Brown Eye, who shuddered involuntarily.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;For getting to this food before the rest of the rabble?&rdquo; Brown Eye pondered. &ldquo;Worth the scouring I&rsquo;m going to give myself with boiling water to get the <em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Eau de Vulva</em> off me tonight.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t blame me for the initiation ritual, that was totally Do Her Well&rsquo;s idea,&rdquo; Primal Vagina nodded to the figure licking the last bit of drippings from the dish. Like a guard dog, she suddenly stiffened and peered into the darkness. &ldquo;Someone&rsquo;s coming.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Zippercised and Cockagami walking into the now empty parking lot and stared in horror at the sight of the completely cleaned out vehicle. Grassy Ass ran up behind them, clutching at his stomach at the sight.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;All the food.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>There&rsquo;s at least thirty ravenous hashers heading right for us now. What do we do? What do we do?!?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We have to offer them something. Some sort of sacrificial&hellip; goat.&rdquo; They looked up as a branch cracked. A dark figure approached.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">On After</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Best food ever,&rdquo; pronounced Abbah with satisfaction. He wrapped an arm around Foul Balls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>&ldquo;I wonder how they made it?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It tasted sort of familiar&hellip; like something I&rsquo;ve had on my travels,&rdquo; Banana In Public suggested.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I want the recipe!&rdquo; Masterbaster demanded of Grassy Ass, who pretended to fumble with his bag. &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t think you can get meat like that in stores.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think we&rsquo;re missing someone,&rdquo; Just Fiid ran up to the group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>&ldquo;I&rsquo;ve looked everywhere for him, and called his phone, but someone keeps hanging up on me. He&rsquo;s a tall dude, bit of a beard?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Meh?&rdquo; Just Robbed shrugged. &ldquo;Never met him.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Hangover</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Two figures stood at a street corner in the Mission. One grabbed a receipt from the other, crumpled it, and shoved a wad of cash into the man&rsquo;s palm.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You realize with this I&rsquo;m also buying your silence. They can never find out.&rdquo; Grassy Ass lit a match, setting the paper alight and dropping it to the ground. He watched the words &ldquo;La Corneta Taqueria&rdquo; disappear into ashes.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I knew you were trouble when you walked in,&rdquo; Meh muttered. &ldquo;We are never ever ever getting back together.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Good.&rdquo; Grassy Ass nodded, and the two went their separate ways into the morning light.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End</p>Mon, 28 Nov 2016 09:19:10 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/115http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/115
Miss Delivery<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;ve never seen it that big,&rdquo; Code For Penis stared in awe. Dickgiorno nodded in agreement.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I have,&rdquo; Pumping Ethel confided. &ldquo;Once when I was very young, late at night&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What are you all doing in the dark?&rdquo; Brown Eye burst into the group.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Um&hellip; the moon?&rdquo; Buck Fucka suggested. &ldquo;We&rsquo;re avoiding light pollution?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh look, the pack&rsquo;s off,&rdquo; Code For Penis sprinted away, leaving the rest no choice but to follow.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The moon was indeed big and bright, leaving the group with little need for lights as they ran down Cesar Chavez. Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy, embracing a basic misunderstanding of astronomy, displayed his own moon to assist them further, leading to Wrinklepecker crashing into the bushes as he clawed at his eyes. No Shit pulled him out, only to dive in afterwards when he saw Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch had followed suit. In short, all was as usual for an SFH3 trail.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Maverick, no!&rdquo; In horror, Resting Slut Face watched as his canine companion was pulled (by his own hand) into a tree. &ldquo;I told you to stop doing that.&rdquo; He bent down to inspect the pooch, and stepped back in horror. &ldquo;What kind&hellip; what kind of a tree is that?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Beech,&rdquo; muttered Tears of Semen as she ran past.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, I think it&rsquo;s a dogwood,&rdquo; Primal Vagina knelt down to examine the remains of the branches.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh shit,&rdquo; Resting Slut Face&rsquo;s eyes widened and he dropped the leash. &ldquo;He&rsquo;s allergic to dogwood.&rdquo; He walked backwards slowly, staring at the slobbering canine.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What&rsquo;s the problem?&rdquo; Whorifist leaned over, letting Just Maverick jump up to lick his face. &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t see anything wro&hellip; wroof&hellip; arf!&rdquo; Whorifist got down on his knees and began panting.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s a bit odd,&rdquo; Shaft remarked, only for Whorifist to leap up and lick his face. Shaft dropped Fluffer&rsquo;s leash and starting running around in circles. Blowqueen attempted to collar him, only for him to get a full dose of Shaft&rsquo;s tongue too. He howled to the supermoon instead.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This is worse than that case of glitter herpes I had last Christmas,&rdquo; Mouth Down South remarked, before he too was overwhelmed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Run!&rdquo; shouted Now I Know My STDs, shoving Just Patrick away from the group. &ldquo;They&rsquo;re contagious!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Who&rsquo;s a good doggy,&rdquo; Douchicorn scratched Blowqueen&rsquo;s rump. &ldquo;Who&rsquo;s a good boy.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Douchicorn, get away from them,&rdquo; yelled Pole Her Bare, only to see him swarmed by the crowd of man-doggies.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You gonna run trail tonight?&rdquo; Douchicorn asked the group. &ldquo;You gonna find the beer for me?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think he&rsquo;s immune,&rdquo; Perfect Woman concluded, watching the slobberfest continue.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Go get &lsquo;em,&rdquo; Douchicorn&rsquo;s pitch heightened. &ldquo;Go get that beer.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The pack turned and overran I Cunt Hear You and Just Gianni in quick succession, then turned towards Cuming Mutha. Saigon Sally intercepted them just in time, training kicking in. &ldquo;Go! Save yourselves. I have but one life to give for my count&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;ve got an idea!&rdquo; Just Fiid leapt forward with rainbow helmet blasting full colors. &ldquo;Follow me!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The pack, entranced by the glowing lights, turned to follow him. Eyes unable to track him completely with the blinding glare, they slowed just enough for him to keep ahead. Meh herded them from behind, making sure none of them escaped until they got to the beer check. It only took one sacrificial lamb in the form of Sodomentary Cock for them to make it there.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Holy shit,&rdquo; Miss Delivery stared in shock as Blowqueen started humping Backside Banger&rsquo;s leg. &ldquo;I did not sign up for this.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Beer,&rdquo; panted Resting Slut Face. &ldquo;Beer always takes care of Maverick when he gets like this.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Ummm. I don&rsquo;t have a bottle opener.&rdquo; Miss Delivery ran off before he could get a stern licking. Herassic Park rolled her eyes, pulling out her Swiss Army flashlight and saving the day. She poured the beer into a doggy dish that had somehow found its way into Hand Pump&rsquo;s van, allowing the men to lap it up.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Rhythm Method rolled her eyes and snorted at the sight. &ldquo;Typical.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Scrubbing Bubbles looked around at hashers one by one standing up from the ground and shaking themselves off, the curse apparently broken. &ldquo;Are we sure any of them doesn&rsquo;t need a foster?&rdquo; she asked, disappointed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll go home with you,&rdquo; Muff Daddy offered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s not the same,&rdquo; she sighed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think these shorts are ruined,&rdquo; complained Whorifist.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Stop whining,&rdquo; On All Fours grinned at him cheekily. &ldquo;You were barely down there for half an hour.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;If you need new shorts, come right this way.&rdquo; Sleazy had taken the Disaster Opportunist approach to haberdashery.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;So it&rsquo;s over, then?&rdquo; Twerxes asked looking askance at Just Maverick. &ldquo;He&rsquo;s safe?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Haelowood howled in the background.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Ignore him, he&rsquo;s just drunk,&rdquo; millimeter Peter pointed out. &ldquo;Maybe we need a test subject.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cockamole held out the hashshit hesistantly. Maverick slobbered over it lovingly, but it remained as inert as always.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What did you expect would happen?&rdquo; Millimeter Peter wondered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Nothing, I just wanted to see his instinctual reaction,&rdquo; Cockamole responded.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Training that sort of response takes decades,&rdquo; agreed Cowlick. &ldquo;With a face like that he could make millions.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Maybe we need to move to <em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">in vivo</em> studies,&rdquo; Gondolorrhea said bravely, bracing himself and kneeling on the ground, only to be bowled over by an armful of soggy canine.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Do you feel like humping everything in sight?&rdquo; asked Masterbaster after a few moments had passed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yes?&rdquo; Gondolerrhea answered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;He&rsquo;s safe!&rdquo; My Little Porno declared. &ldquo;I&rsquo;d expect no less from him. Now let&rsquo;s get to the bar.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Has anyone seen my phone?&rdquo; Haelowood asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The crowd trailed off, leaving Just Maverick alone in the dark with the hashshit. The silence was only broken by the tinny ring of a cell phone.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hello, Kink.com?&rdquo; a faint voice answered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Ayoooooooooooo!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End.</p>Mon, 21 Nov 2016 10:37:56 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/114http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/114
One Night Only (featuring ser titty boo boo)<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Unbelievable,&rdquo; said Masterbaster.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What do we do now?&rdquo; asked Mouth Down South in shock. &ldquo;I mean, where can we go from here?&rdquo; Ru Ru Rimmin patted him on the back.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Come on guys, buck up,&rdquo; Cunty Butler said. &ldquo;We&rsquo;re all still here. We&rsquo;re still moving.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I mean, I did not see this one coming,&rdquo; Primal Vagina said in shock. &ldquo;I just thought we were better than this.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I did,&rdquo; Miss Delivery said. &ldquo;Saw it coming a mile away. Pretty obvious, in retrospect.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Maybe it&rsquo;ll all turn out okay,&rdquo; reasoned Douchicorn. Fuck Buddy&rsquo;s laughter echoed through the streets.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, really,&rdquo; Dick Simmons chimed in. &ldquo;I mean what&rsquo;s the point in whining about what happened? Maybe we need to look for solutions.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I Cunt Hear You pulled out a special pair of noise-cancelling headphones.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m going to go look at puppies on Facebook instead,&rdquo; Buck Fucka decided.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;There&rsquo;s a good one where a really old dog takes his last walk before he dies,&rdquo; Pole Her Bare told him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That sounds really depressing,&rdquo; Circle Jerk said. &ldquo;Fantastic.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;ve already started tweeting about this.&rdquo; Ska Skank&rsquo;s phone&rsquo;s was capitalizing everything automatically.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m going to go fight someone,&rdquo; Rent Whore held her fists up. &ldquo;Wanna wrestle?&rdquo; Zippercised quickly took her up on the offer.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This sort of thing would never happen in Sweden,&rdquo; Blowqueen said with chagrin.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Maybe you should go home then,&rdquo; Me No Engrish retorted.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No Muff Daddy in Sweden,&rdquo; Blowqueen sighed. Herassic Park nodded in sympathy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This sort of thing wouldn&rsquo;t have happened four years ago,&rdquo; replied Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch. &ldquo;Maybe we were just better then.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think we&rsquo;re pretty much the same everywhere throughout time,&rdquo; Yes Sir, Yes She&rsquo;s Fat answered. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s only when you step out of your zone that you see that all the differences between us are masking the same basic human faults&hellip; and goodness.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That was oddly profound for someone talking about a remarkably shitty trail,&rdquo; Cockagami pointed out.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We can&rsquo;t just keep obsessing about how terribly lost we all feel.&rdquo; Cirque du So Lame declared finally. &ldquo;Looking at three chalk lines on the ground and bitching about it does nothing for anyone. Someone needs to take action and call Hand Pump. It&rsquo;s time for us to get to the beer. Not me, though, I don&rsquo;t have my phone.&rdquo; Dickgiorno whipped out his instead.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And if you guys want a better trail, then you should take action and set one yourselves,&rdquo; Perfect Woman declared.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But don&rsquo;t spend all your orange food money on government pork rinds please,&rdquo; My Little Porno added hurriedly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;There&rsquo;s some good here,&rdquo; Deadbeat pointed out. &ldquo;I haven&rsquo;t been this close to running with the pack in decades.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span>&ldquo;I think we can all come together,&rdquo; Just Jesse said optimistically, linking hands with Just Fiid and Just Brandon. &ldquo;Sometime within the next four years to give us assholes names.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And maybe we&rsquo;ll find that we can work together to make the hash better,&rdquo; Stinky Floss speculated.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Whorifist nodded. &ldquo;Maybe this will show people what not to do from now on.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And maybe being cold and sweaty will make you all buy more hash sweatshirts,&rdquo; Sleazy suggested.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Maybe you&rsquo;ll take all the crap out of my van,&rdquo; Hand Pump prodded.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Maybe I&rsquo;ll find more ways of making you guys make me get drunk,&rdquo; Haelowood declared.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Maybe you guys can come to my hash in Dubai,&rdquo; said Fellatio. &ldquo;And by guys I actually do mean only the ones with the penises.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Maybe we&rsquo;d rather go to a lesbian bar,&rdquo; Chicken Bone Her replied. The pack headed off into the night.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Where do you think Titty Boo Boo and One Night only went?&rdquo; Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It asked Do Her Well.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Thinking things over.&rdquo; She pondered for a moment. &ldquo;Probably just taking a long walk in the woods somewhere.&rdquo;</p>Mon, 14 Nov 2016 08:19:19 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/113http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/113
Backwash, Wrinklepecker, Chicken Bone Her, & Crabs<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s just like taking candy from a baby,&rdquo; <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Dick Simmons</strong> said proudly, sucking on a lollipop. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s my birthday, after all.&rdquo; Behind him, three children stared, baskets empty of candy and eyes full of loathing.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think the one in the stroller was a baby,&rdquo; <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Stinky Floss</strong> remarked. &ldquo;Ew, tootsie rolls.&rdquo; She threw the offending sweet on the ground where it was gobbled up by <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Public Enema No 2</strong>.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Which way&rsquo;s the beer?&rdquo; wondered <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Dick Simmons</strong> aloud, realizing suddenly the rest of the pack had vanished.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s just a jump to the left,&rdquo; <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Chicken Bone Her</strong> emerged from her shrubbery suddenly, causing both of them to leap away from her.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And then a step to the right,&rdquo; <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Wrinklepecker</strong> came at them from their other side.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">They felt more than saw <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Crabs</strong> and <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Backwash</strong> creep behind them, putting their hands on their hips for them, and then the roaring in their ears grew far to great to bear.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Stinky Floss</strong> blinked gritty eyes at the morning light. &ldquo;Shit, I&rsquo;m late,&rdquo; she huffed, throwing on clothes and dashing out the door.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Masterbaster</strong>?&rdquo; she called out immediately, watching a man in a mullet go by. He did not react, but the dude standing on the street corner peeing gave her a thumbs up. A newspaper tumbled by, and she stared at the image on the cover. &ldquo;Recount,&rdquo; it read, with paired images of George Bush and Al Gore.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I missed the election?&rdquo; she wondered, searching for her phone. It wasn&rsquo;t there, and when she turned, neither was the door to her apartment.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Stinky Floss</strong>, thank god!&rdquo; <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Dick Simmons</strong> grabbed her and hugged her. &ldquo;I think we&rsquo;re in some sort of twisted reality. I just saw <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It</strong>, and he didn&rsquo;t even recognize me!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">She looked at him doubtfully, but he continued. &ldquo;And the Bay Bridge, it&rsquo;s like the new one was never built, and downtown looks so different!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What seems to be the problem, ma&rsquo;am,&rdquo; a cool female voice called their attention.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The virgin!&rdquo; Stinky Floss called out. &ldquo;The sexy cops! You were there.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The two women exchanged glances and one muttered into her radio. &ldquo;Ma&rsquo;am, we&rsquo;d like to be of service, but we&rsquo;ll thank you to keep our private lives&hellip; private.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, you were at the hash!&rdquo; <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Stinky Floss</strong> insisted, but <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Dick Simmons</strong> sensed trouble and pulled her to the side.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Let&rsquo;s get out of here.&rdquo; He raised an arm.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But look, <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Sleazy&rsquo;s</strong> over there. <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Sleazy</strong>! <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Sleazy</strong>!&rdquo; The redhead blushed and walked away quickly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Luckily, the cab <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Dick Simmons</strong> had hailed pulled over and he was able to drag her inside. &ldquo;I know where we should go.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">***</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The library was quiet except for the furious typing of <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Dick Simmons</strong>. They waited an age for the page to load. &ldquo;The website&rsquo;s still up&mdash;there&rsquo;s a phone number!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;How is that going to do us any good? They won&rsquo;t recognize us!&rdquo; She&rsquo;d already though she&rsquo;d seen <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Muff Daddy</strong> lurking in the back of the library, which was doubly disappointing because she also didn&rsquo;t know where <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Public Enema</strong> had ended up, and she had held the faintest hope he&rsquo;d been taking care of the pooch.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Dick Simmons</strong> had ignored her and was already at a payphone. &ldquo;Okay,&rdquo; he grabbed her arm. &ldquo;There&rsquo;s a hash tonight. Just where we started on Hashoween, lucky isn&rsquo;t it!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But what do we do in the meantime?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">***</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The Marilyn Monroe impersonator show had been worth the price, they decided together. &ldquo;That one looks like <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy</strong>, no?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And that&rsquo;s <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Circle Jerk</strong>.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Stinky Floss</strong> snorted. &ldquo;He&rsquo;s <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Too Fucked Up to Circle Jerk</strong>.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The ball game afterwards had been a treat&mdash;&ldquo;I&rsquo;m sure we&rsquo;ll get some <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Foul Balls</strong> in these seats,&rdquo; Dick Simmons had joked, and the dance party afterward was to die for. &ldquo;Watch me <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Twerxes Like Xerxes</strong>!&rdquo; <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Stinky Floss</strong> had cried. &ldquo;After I go <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Wee Wee</strong>,&rdquo; <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Dick Simmons</strong> had replied.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When they finally pulled up at the hash in a cab, they looked at each other with something like regret.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Today was fun,&rdquo; <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Dick Simmons</strong> said. &ldquo;If we do manage to go back&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t be getting weepy on me now, Dick,&rdquo; Stinky Floss handed him a tissue for his <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Tears of Semen</strong>. &ldquo;Do you really want to relive the next sixteen years?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Cuming Mutha</strong>!&rdquo; <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Dick Simmons</strong> had gotten distracted by the arrival of a familiar face. &ldquo;You have hair!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, that&rsquo;d be <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch</strong>.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What he means to say, is that we need help,&rdquo; <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Stinky Floss </strong>explained. &ldquo;See, we are from&hellip; another kennel. Far away, and we&rsquo;ve been gone about&hellip; sixteen years. And we got a bit lost, and now we don&rsquo;t know how to get home.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Ah, from the future then?&rdquo; They gaped at him. &ldquo;Yeah, it happened to me and <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">On All Fours</strong> about ten years ago, we had a blast. It&rsquo;s how we met.&rdquo; He turned around. &ldquo;Oy, <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Mammaries</strong>, they&rsquo;re from the future! So what did you do to deserve it?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Do?&rdquo; <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Stinky Floss</strong> frowned.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Dick Simmons</strong> jumped in, &ldquo;I mean, the week before we were drinking with <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Haelowood</strong>, which led to me flashing <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Saigon Sally</strong>, and then <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Vagina Dentata </strong>showed me his dental tool, and when we were done I convinced <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Red Hot Vagina</strong>, <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Roman Showers</strong>, and <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Blowqueen</strong> to prove whose name fit them best.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yes, but what were you doing right before?&rdquo; <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Cuming Mutha</strong>&rsquo;s eyes twinkled.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Taking candy from babies. Why?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">***</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Stinky Floss</strong> and <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Dick Simmons</strong> stood alone in the cemetery. &ldquo;We should have known there was something weird about those kids.&rdquo; She poked him with her shoe.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Cuming Mutha</strong> said we have to find the Presidio unicorn.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Cuming Mutha</strong> should pull the other one,&rdquo; she said. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m cold, let&rsquo;s go. Maybe this is all just a bad dream.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Look!&rdquo; he ignored her, pointing at the figure leaping through the darkness. <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Stinky Floss</strong> scrambled over the wall and tackled it. &ldquo;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Buck Fucka</strong>!&rdquo; she yelled. The man just neighed at her nonsensically.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think he hit his head,&rdquo; <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Dick Simmons</strong> wrung his hands.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Look, there&rsquo;s another one&hellip; and another!&rdquo; They quickly tackled <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Abba</strong> and <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Laps in Judgment</strong>, both wearing unicorn suits.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Now what?&rdquo; she said, realizing they&rsquo;d just done the same thing and both hashers were knocked out cold.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Maybe we have to rub them?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;They&rsquo;re not rabbits&rsquo; feet&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A whinnying broke their reverie and they looked up to see <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Douchicorn</strong> prancing in the moonlight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>They chased after him, through the bushes and shiggy until at last they emerged to see <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Hand Pump</strong> dispensing beer by the Palace of Fine Arts. <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Me No Engrish</strong> was pulling her pooch back from <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Yes Sir She&rsquo;s Just Fat</strong>, while <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Backside Banger</strong> was trying to find the Skank in <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Cvnt Drvnkvla</strong>.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We&rsquo;re back!&rdquo; <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Stinky Floss</strong> said breathlessly, clutching <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Dick Simmons</strong>. &ldquo;You were there,&rdquo; she pointed to <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Mammaries</strong>, &ldquo;And you, and you!&rdquo; she hugged both of the newbie cops.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It took forever to get anywhere,&rdquo; she told <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Project Cumway</strong>. &ldquo;There wasn&rsquo;t any Uber.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You wouldn&rsquo;t believe how slow the internet was,&rdquo; she related to <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Sparkle Blow Me</strong>.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Can you believe I almost experienced the 2000 election aftermath again?&rdquo; she asked <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Brown Eye</strong>.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Do you have the vapors?&rdquo; <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Brown Eye</strong> took a step back and ran.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">***</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And that&rsquo;s what happened,&rdquo; she told <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Cockamole</strong> and <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Millimeter Peter</strong>, as she stood in the center of circle. &ldquo;Could anything be more incredible?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Stunned silence reigned, until <strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Just Ben</strong> stepped forward. He cleared his throat, pulled back his shoulders, and bleated into the night:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Meh</strong>.</p>Mon, 07 Nov 2016 09:42:30 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/112http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/112
Cockamole and Twerxes Like Xerxes<p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"It's been pouring rain for at least five minutes already," Jack the Ripper held a hand out and watched the water fill it up.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Sure to be moist tonight!" Muff Daddy said cheerfully. Brown Eye shuddered and ducked away.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"What are you supposed to be?" Tricrapylete asked Deadbeat, who was shrugging on a fine jacket.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Adolph Sutro," Deadbeat replied. "Elected Eight Teen <em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ninety</em> Four."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Fair point, fair point," muttered Wash This Asshole. "But isn't the rain going to ruin that?"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Well, I think the rain might be just the ticket. I've got baths to fill, and harriettes to fill them with!" He put an arm around Rent Whore.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"He does have nice Baths," she agreed happily.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"There's nothing else to be done," Backside Banger crouched underneath a tree, shivering. "This rain just isn't stopping. We have to build a boat, and make the FRBs pay for it."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Those are fine words," Masterbaster argued. "But they barely pay enough to cover their fair share of beer."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Hashers can't do anything right," agreed Perfect Woman. "We can hardly even go into bars without inciting shocking acts of depravity and jealousy."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"That sounds like a winning proposition!" Rhythm Method declared. "Gondolerrhea, you collect the cash. My Little Porno, lead the way. If people pay to watch wrestling, they'll pay double for us. We're going to earn ourselves a boat out of this storm."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As they found out, approximately five street corners later, they were able to earn plenty of cash, but Gondolerrhea had no idea how to handle to books of a human trafficking ring.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Fuck it," said Brazilian Blow Bob. "Enough of this running about, let's get to the beer."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And at last, after much searching and striving, they found the sacred beer van and Hand Pump with it, but the FRBs were nowhere to be seen.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Do you think they're okay?" Cockamole asked Twerxes worriedly.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Vagina Dentata was sweeping," Twerxes told her solemnly. "And he may have bitten off more than he can chew."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Thankfully for Cockamole, the first FRBs interrupted a disturbing vision growing in her mind. "There they are!" she said excitedly. "They finally made it!"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And so they came over the hill, two by two. Crabs and Wrinklepecker were whispering sweet nothings in each others's ears, while Saigon Sally was supporting Jizzard at the hip. Just David followed in orange vest, lead by Me No Engrish on a leash, while Just Helen was traipsing after One Night Only like a puppy. Just Carson and Just Jesse were taking turns wretching into the bushes.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Water poisoning," Just Jesse said breathlessly. "Sleazy thought the forest was too flooded for her tastes, so she stuck to the high grounds. We were down a drink check... and it was just too much." He collapsed to the ground, and Fucker rushed to bring him a beer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"It's been raining forever," Udder Moron said in wonder. "Forty minutes and forty seconds, at least."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"It was madness, sheer madness," Whorifist said, turning to Primal Vagina. "I didn't know if we would survive the night. And that made me realize something. I have spent the last few years getting to know you, and each day makes me realize I couldn't imagine my life with any other person." He knelt to the ground.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"It's stopping!" A rainbow clad figure jumped out of the darkness. "Ooooooh. He's proposing!" Just Get It Over With squealed.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Whorifist grinned wryly. "What she said."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Of course," Primal Vagina said, accepting the ring. "But something tells me you'd been planning it for a while." Ten bottles of champagne popped in the background.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"A bit." He linked hands with hers.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Something like that could be contagious," Douchicorn knelt in front of Twerxes, holding out a ring pop. "Did you know if you put carbon under enough pressure, it becomes a diamond?"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Shove it up your ass," she said, tossing the ring over her shoulder and going over to talk to Pizza Ass.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Douchicorn caught it before it hit the ground. "Kinky."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I guess we're not going to get to build your boat after all. It's drying up pretty quickly," Stinky Floss consoled Backside Banger. Buck Fucka patted him on the back, while Pole Her Bare handed him a beer.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. All of the hashers on a single boat? Lunacy," Backside Banger shrugged.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"You know," Haolewood thought out loud. "If you drink enough, sometimes your boat feels just like a bed." He winked at Dual Tools.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"The point has a man... er, the man has a point," Udder Moron took Backside Banger's arm in his. "To the on after!"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And so they went to the on after, and so they drank an absolute shit ton, and so they had the sweetest of vertigo-filled dreams, and only one unexpected trip to the restroom during the night per person.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 31 Oct 2016 08:22:18 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/111http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/111
Cuming Mutha & Douchicorn<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><strong>Dude, Where's My Douchicorn?</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cuming Mutha woke up slowly and painfully, sensing from the ache in his liver that it was a Tuesday. Around him were piles and piles of hashers and harriettes, snoring in the morning light, all wearing XXXXL hash shirts&hellip;. And only that.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">He sat bolt upright, hearing a sound that, to his ears, was in between a cat being skinned and a car&rsquo;s windshield getting a good boffing. He crawled over Perfect Woman holding a binder packed full of porno mags, navigated around Crabs and Resting Slut Face locked in a tight embrace, and pulled aside Hand Pump&rsquo;s slumbering figure to find Twerxes curled in a ball.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t worry.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cuming Mutha jumped and twirled like a ballerina to see Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring standing behind him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It started as an imitation&mdash;some sort of anime she was watching&mdash;but now she just sleeps like that. But don&rsquo;t wake her up yet, she gets really X-rated if you startle her.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cuming Mutha pulled back, and looked around him. &ldquo;Good trail, eh?&rdquo; he asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yeah, pretty good&hellip;&rdquo; Bitch Pimp came up to him. &ldquo;Only thing is&hellip; where&rsquo;s your co-hare?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cuming Mutha paused and scratched his balls. &ldquo;I had a co-hare?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Thirty minutes later, after a couple of Bloody Marys, the troops had mostly been assembled. Gloryhole, despite grumbling that he had to get to work, did not take Brown Eye up on his offer of mutually beneficial employment. On All Fours had made the group peanut butter sandwiches, which Just Oliver was gobbling with such appreciation that he started humping the table leg in a state of bliss. Trying to prevent too much wood on wood action, John Handcock got between them. Tricrapylete just shook his head and looked away, knowing even he had not been in such a trifecta of a disaster in a very long time.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Here&rsquo;s what we know,&rdquo; Cuming Mutha stood at the front of the crowd. &ldquo;We were both in Golden Gate Park.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There was a pause.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;So you don&rsquo;t even know where you last saw him?&rdquo; Sodomentary Cock asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I just bloody well told you, Golden Gate Park!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Sperm Alley?&rdquo; Muff Daddy leered at Cuming Mutha.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, not that end!&rdquo; Cuming Mutha&rsquo;s mustache bristled.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I thought it covered both ends,&rdquo; Cockamole said innocently. Project Cumway snickered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Blows Through Bush pulled out his tourist&rsquo;s map and peered intently. &ldquo;No, just the northern one, it&rsquo;d be too much to cover both.&rdquo; He flipped the map around and pulled out a compass. &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t see why I have to be involved, I don&rsquo;t even know this asshole.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This brave man,&rdquo; Do Her Well stepped up. &ldquo;He has given his time, his energy, his creativity to provide to you a night of adventure. And this is how you repay him?&rdquo; She slapped Silence of the Trans on the back of the skull. &ldquo;You ingrates, you slobs, you box of deplorables.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Wow, I didn&rsquo;t know you cared about Douchicorn so much!&rdquo; My Little Porno whispered to her.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Douchicorn? I thought we had lost Hand Pump.&rdquo; She stepped down from Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It&rsquo;s shoulders. &ldquo;Fuck that guy.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Perfect Woman whispered something in her ear. &ldquo;What do you mean it&rsquo;s my job?&rdquo; she could be heard whispering back. &ldquo;But no one is paying me.&rdquo; A pause. &ldquo;Well I don&rsquo;t care if you do blackmail me, those pictures were very flattering&hellip; no, you can&rsquo;t deport a parrot. Just because she&rsquo;s on my tax return&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Fine.&rdquo; Do Her Well stood back up and slapped Silence of the Trans again, just for the hell of it. &ldquo;We must find Douchicorn. Any ideas?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well, we could check his Strava&hellip;&rdquo; Chicken Bone Her began.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Let&rsquo;s rerun the trail!&rdquo; Eat My Pussy raced off, Fucker and Gobble My Ass quickly off behind him. The rest of the pack, not knowing what else to do, followed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m out,&rdquo; One Night Only took off.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Why are we doing this?&rdquo; Fuck Buddy asked Whorifist as they scrambled over far too familiar trails.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Because we have to,&rdquo; Mandatory Fun replied to them both.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But do we really have to take ten minutes to solve each check&hellip; again?&rdquo; Udder Moron implored. &ldquo;We know where it&rsquo;s going, in the most unreasonable direction possible.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Douchicorn could have fallen in a well&hellip; or been eaten by a raccoon.&rdquo; Buck Fucka shuddered. &ldquo;You don&rsquo;t even want to imagine the kinds of creatures that lurk in the parks at night.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Like what?&rdquo; Pole Her Bare asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Women!&rdquo; Brown Eye pulled Buck Fucka away and into the darkness that had fallen once more. It had been over eight hours that they had been following trail, or attempting to, and they were no closer to finding Douchicorn than they were the day before. I&rsquo;m Drunk had long since given up and gone to the bar, taking Just Carson and his Hawaiian shirt with him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I have an idea,&rdquo; Weekend at Abba&rsquo;s suggested. &ldquo;Why don&rsquo;t we check his Strava?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Great idea!&rdquo; Blowqueen said enthusiastically, pulling out a laptop and typing furiously. &ldquo;If we analyze Douchicorn&rsquo;s past running style and speed, we should be able to determine the maximal radius of a projected route, also incorporating his&hellip; shall we say&hellip; hipster tendencies, and therefore adding into this model any nearby coffee shops, picobreweries, barbers, and other locally sourced artisanal goods&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;He just uploaded a run. It ends five hundred yards from here.&rdquo; Skid Mark pointed out.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, ok.&rdquo; Blowqueen stuffed his laptop back into his pocket and they took off to find Douchicorn surrounded by a pack of&hellip; runners.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;How could you?&rdquo; asked Dick Simmons.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yeah,&rdquo; said Just Ben. &ldquo;We were looking all night for you.&rdquo; Just Ben nodded in agreement.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I drank my entire jug of water,&rdquo; Just Liz scowled. &ldquo;I had to refill it from a creek.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think that was raw sewage,&rdquo; Udder Moron advised her.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Douchicorn shrugged. &ldquo;They said hi to me?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You know, this reminds me of two other people who found each other,&rdquo; Sister Fister threw her arms around Roman Showers and Backside Banger. &ldquo;I think sometimes in life, you have to get where you are going only by going where you&rsquo;ve been. And it&rsquo;s just simple words that bring us all together. And there are two people here who we have to appreciate that have been brought together by their togetherness, and have decided to create a life together. And that&rsquo;s beautiful.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cockulous Oculus sniffed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Touching, isn&rsquo;t it?&rdquo; Zippercised handed her a handkerchief.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, TB outbreak from the lab next door.&rdquo; She handed it back. &ldquo;Have a good night!&rdquo;</p>Mon, 24 Oct 2016 08:17:23 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/110http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/110
Hoover & Who's Your Daddy<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It appears it was a proud and noble tradition. Even the women grew them,&rdquo; Professor On All Fours pointed at a redhead in the flaking painting, which had been carefully protected under glass.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But why?&rdquo; asked Cox Box, setting her bags down as she entered the room. &ldquo;Why did they do it?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Some say it was a sign of virility,&rdquo; Dr. Cuming Mutha stroked his own lovingly. &ldquo;Glad you made it safely, Cox Box. Any trouble?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The usual. Cults. Nazis. Soviet spies.&rdquo; She shrugged. &ldquo;But you think there was more to it, don&rsquo;t you?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Resting Slut Face emerged from behind a bookcase, nose buried deep in a dusty tome. &ldquo;Some say it was in celebration of an ancient artifact, one that granted immortality to its wearer. If a celebrant could achieve the perfectly coiffed, ideally sized, and immaculately soft mustache, the Holy &lsquo;Stache would descend from the heavens, and they too would be given eternal life.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Eternal life?&rdquo; Dick Simmons scoffed. &ldquo;Really son, who needs that, with global warming, nuclear proliferation, and weird food trends?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It also comes with access to the Beer Fountain of Youth,&rdquo; Backside Banger advised. &ldquo;Sisyphus helps run the mill.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;More importantly, we think a very dangerous sect is hot on the trail,&rdquo; Chicken Bone Her cautioned.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Who?&rdquo; asked Circle Jerk asked. &ldquo;Who could it be? Nazis? The GOP?&rdquo; 9 &frac12; Wanks tsked and shook her head in disgust. &ldquo;The Supreme Court Justices?&rdquo; Circle Jerk hazarded a final guess.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;God no, they&rsquo;re just too stubborn to die. It&rsquo;s worse than that.&rdquo; Douchicorn emerged from the shadows. &ldquo;I&rsquo;ve been undercover for months, and I hate to say it, but I think the ones closest to achieving the Holy &lsquo;Stache are&hellip; hipsters.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After the laughter had died down, and they all made sure Jack The Ripper had only keeled over from surprise, Pencil Dick wiped his eyes. &ldquo;Hipsters. I think I work with some, they&rsquo;re harmless! They&rsquo;ve got years before they could achieve the girth required alone, let alone the&hellip; style.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Nevertheless, I think we have to keep our bases covered,&rdquo; On All Fours concluded. &ldquo;The traditional gathering is in Glen Park this evening. I&rsquo;ve called you all here because we must ensure that no hipster achieves immortality. The consequences could be unimaginable.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I still don&rsquo;t think there&rsquo;s any way&hellip;&rdquo; Deadbeat scoffed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Silence!&rdquo; On All Fours looked at him sternly. &ldquo;No arguments, no questions. Let&rsquo;s get to work.&rdquo;</p>
<div style="mso-element: para-border-div; border: none; border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; padding: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in;">
<p class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; padding: 0in; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in;">&nbsp;</p>
</div>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I thought it was silly bringing this many people&mdash;I thought we would be noticed right away,&rdquo; Dr. Wee Wee said to Cuming Mutha, watching the bestachioed group milling around. &ldquo;Surely there couldn&rsquo;t be this many people descended from the ancient Hash sect.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think Douchicorn was right about the hipsters,&rdquo; Cuming Mutha whispered, watching Dick Ass Mother Fucker twirl his &lsquo;stache as he walked over to greet Just David, who was dunking a powdered donut into guacamole. &ldquo;But I fear there&rsquo;s little we can do to stop them.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Did you hear that Foul Balls and Pole Her Bare brought neophytes? And Just Macayla over there has a textbook full of homework.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Cannon fodder,&rdquo; Cuming Mutha nodded wisely. &ldquo;They may yet be of use in the coming storm. Look! It begins!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">They both gazed at the figure of Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy, who was ceremonially anointing himself with flour and then scrambling into the bushes. A whistle and a cry went up, and all followed him into the darkness.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Where do you think we&rsquo;re going?&rdquo; asked Just Liz, ducking through an alleyway.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We must recreate the ancient Sigil to open the doors!&rdquo; Crabs instructed, reversing suddenly down a one-way street. &ldquo;Do it right, and we&rsquo;ll see the face of the gods!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Wait, what happens if we do it wrong?&rdquo; Just Ben asked nervously, as they descended into the canyon.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Damnation!&rdquo; Backwash whispered spookily through the night.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Eh, better than going to work tomorrow,&rdquo; Just Jesse opined.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Branckes rustled, and all jumped away as Resting Slut Face was dragged out by Just Maverick. &ldquo;He saved my life,&rdquo; gasped Resting Slut Face, &ldquo;an immortal knight was about to behead me, and he dragged me to safety.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Lay off the hallucinogens,&rdquo; advised Masterbaster. &ldquo;We&rsquo;ve got to get this show on the road, or Just Petey is going to cut a bitch.&rdquo; He pulled his hound away from Public Enema No. 2.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Form the ancient circle!&rdquo; Commanded Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy. &ldquo;Bring the orange food! Anoint the virgins! Castigate the offenders! Peace out!&rdquo; He escaped into the darkness.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;So I&rsquo;m a Eunuch now,&rdquo; Cum Guzzling Cockaholic waggled his eyebrows at Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It. &ldquo;Red Hot Vagina was going for the vasectomy, but it turns out dogs are a little different anatomically speaking.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Silence!&rdquo; commanded millimeter Peter. &ldquo;Let us summon the Hash gods!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A stillness like the eye of a hurricane descended, and Mayor Blew Me stumbled forward. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s what the ladies say!&rdquo; he defended himself from the jeering crowd.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But what about the gentlemen?&rdquo; Brown Eye batted his eyelashes.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Get a room!&rdquo; Cockagami yelled. &ldquo;We are here for one thing, and that thing is the Holy &lsquo;Stache! Tonight we will take the mustache ride of our lives and be thrust into eternal youth, everlasting microbrews, and the best music we&rsquo;ve never even heard of!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hipster!&rdquo; shouted Fuck Buddy. &ldquo;Get him!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cockagami attempted to run, but was quickly tackled like a tight end by Cox Box. They rolled to a stop in the dirt at the feet of a redhead who, to On All Fours, looked strangely familiar.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Foolish mortals!&rdquo; Ska Skank cried. &ldquo;Mock the &lsquo;Stache, and you shall face eternal punishment. But worship it--&rdquo; she stroked Cuming Mutha&rsquo;s with pleasure. &ldquo;And you shall be rewarded.&rdquo; The crowd was held still by the power of her gaze, and she paced around the circle like a panther.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I see many contenders to receive my legacy, but only one true champion.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I was born this way!&rdquo; Buck Fucka broke free of the spell and fell to his knees at her feet. &ldquo;Look at me in favor, o goddess!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Bullshit,&rdquo; Ska Skank scoffed. &ldquo;But keep calling me goddess, dear. No, there is only one choice.&rdquo; She approached Wrinklepecker. &ldquo;Such girth. Such texture. Such panache.&rdquo; She touched the &lsquo;stache reverently. &ldquo;Welcome into the kingdom, my proud knight. Welcome.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Great,&rdquo; Wrinklepecker yanked the &lsquo;stache off and threw it into the bushes. &ldquo;Where&rsquo;s my beer?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, shit,&rdquo; Nappy Headed Homo whispered. &ldquo;He&rsquo;s insulted Ska Skank.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Blasphemers!&rdquo; she cried, trees shaking with the roar of her voice. &ldquo;Scoundrels! ABBA! See to them!&rdquo; The earth split, and a sparkly figure emerged with a mighty hammer. Wordlessly, he struck the ground, causing reverberations that echoed and amplified.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;To the BART station!&rdquo; cried On All Fours, herding her charges out of the park as branches crashed down and cars rolled over. They ran full speed to the station, hopping over the barriers and darting through the closing door of the train.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;C&rsquo;mon Junior,&rdquo; Dick Simmons herded Resting Slut Face to a bench. &ldquo;Rest a spell.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Junior?&rdquo; asked On All Fours. &ldquo;What does that mean, this Junior?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Dick Simmons, Junior,&rdquo; Dick Simmons explained. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s his name.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I like Resting Slut Face.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We named the dog Resting Slut Face.&rdquo; Dick Simmons grinned.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;May we go home now please?&rdquo; Cuming Mutha asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The dog?&rdquo; On All Fours said incredulously. &ldquo;You are named after the dog? Ha!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Got a lot of fond memories of that dog,&rdquo; Resting Slut Face&rsquo;s face was stoic.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Resting Slut Face, On All Fours, follow me!&rdquo; Cuming Mutha yelled. &ldquo;I know the way!&rdquo; he ran through the BART cars and into the sunset.</p>
<div style="mso-element: para-border-div; border: none; border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; padding: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in;">
<p class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; padding: 0in; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in;">&nbsp;</p>
</div>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What a time for a piss break,&rdquo; Masterbaster groaned, looking around at the debris. &ldquo;C&rsquo;mon Stan, you&rsquo;ve had an eternity.&rdquo; He left the car door open, pacing slightly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Allahu Aqbark finished nosing around behind a downed tree with a yelp. He galloped towards Masterbaster, leaping adroitly into the backseat, dragging his tail in before the door was slammed behind him. They drove away, Masterbaster unaware of the large, furry, black mustache now gracing the large, furry black nose of Allahu Aqbark.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End</p>Mon, 17 Oct 2016 09:04:31 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/108http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/108
Rongjon<p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">The messengers had ventured forth, far and wide, spreading word of the impending celebration. Rhythm Method had prepared her finest culinary delights, and all had put on their most beautiful garbs, though some like Do Her Well had to settle for the feathers she could get second-hand. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span>At least she was better off than Ru Ru Rimmin and Cirque du So Lame, who to their chagrin had arrived to find they had outfits perfectly matched. Just Ender had brought alcohol and a 'Vietmanese' girlfriend, while Twerxes Like Xerxes had brought a wooden one. But all, including Sodomentary Cock, had brought an air of celebration.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"My dear sir, surely you shall not alight here?" a concerned voice came from atop the horse that had just galloped up. "I have seen depraved and debauched behavior flowing from this kingdom with alacrity!"</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">A figure slumped behind him, slipping unsteadily out of the saddle and piling into an heap on the ground. Fuckle Up hiccuped, grinned, and pulled head his head high. "To depravity and debauchery!" He punched his fist upward and strode forth.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"You're going the wrong way," Hot Dick grabbed his shoulder, Ice Box having to steady him afterwards. "We'll show you, this game is old hat to us."</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Ice Box sniffed. "Gone for months, but nothing ever changes around here."</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Fuckle Up wrinkled his nose. "To the King?" he asked uncertainly.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"The Australian contingent reporting to the King, and I have with me a foreign queen!" Massive Cock Check pulled up beside them, Queen Cums A Lot on his arm. </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"Comes a lot?" asked Lois Lame. "Then why haven't I seen you before?"</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">The Queen smiled at her alluringly. "Don't worry my dear, I'll come for you again."</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Gobble My Ass interrupted them, tugging her fearsome beast back. Beside John Handcock, Just Oliver sat obediently at her side. "We better hurry up, the celebration is starting."</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">The crowds grew as they approached the castle, both hounds and humans welcomed within. Me No Engrish tugged back her hound, while Stinky Floss gave Public Enema free access to all within. Muff Daddy jumped, feeling the hot breath of the muzzle below him. Just Ben stood next to Just Ben, stroking his beard. Just Liz moved away from them both, distracted by the sight of the newest act, Pole Her Bare, whose moves were highlighted by the glowing candles positioned around her. </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"Wasn't that Just Jaci?" she asked Buck Fucka, who was drooling slightly. </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"Shut up, she might take her shirt off." He was shoved aside by Just Get It Over With, who put herself in prime position for viewing.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"><br /> Meanwhile Cunty Butler, Miss Delivery, and Blown Ranger were shoving gobs of mutton down their throats, while Titty Boo Boo sweated from the appalling load of meat he had already consumed. Chicken Bone Her had to avert her eyes. Cockamole had tried to convince Brown Eye to hunt down a salad for her, but he got distracted by tossing Who's Your Daddy's first, and just brought back the hash shit for her. </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Deadbeat was trying to sell his fortune telling abilities to Ultrahead and Gloryhole, but when On All Fours got it out of him that he'd dreamt of Cuming Mutha, his clientele quickly scrambled away. </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"Silence!" Dr. Kimble stood on a table before the masses. "Do you not know why we are here?"</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"To Drink!" shouted Hoseblower and Saigon Sally.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"Yes, but to drink for what?" Dr. K prompted.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"Sex!" Code for Penis shouted.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"A good answer, a good answer." Dr. K paused.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"Sex with who?" a voice from the crowd called.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"The King!" called out Fuck Norris, recognizing the voice's source.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"Exactly!" King Rong Jon stumbled forth, a path clearing before him.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"Give him the virgins!" yelled Vagina Dentata, who was slapped by Primal Vagina.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"Sorry!" Just Cam shoved his virgin to the front alongside Cockamole's.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"Yes, yes," The King muttered. "Put them to the side. We have more important business to attend." He looked to Dr. Kimble.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"Do you know what day it is?" Dr. Kimble's voice echoed to the rafters.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"It's October!" yelled Douchicorn. </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"It's Child Health Day," Udder Moron clarified.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"And Rosh hash on on!" Circle Jerk added.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"On on!" Wee Wee and Millimeter Peter raised their glasses.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"And my birthday!" Minor 69er declared. She was immediately lifted by Slap a Bag of Dickz and Hoseblower and paraded around the room. Luckily Saigon Sally and Whorifist were close behind when the pair stumbled and dropped her.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"Her birthday..." Dr. K paused to allow the drunken masses to catch up. "And the King's!"</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"The King's!" shouted My Little Porno and Perfect Woman.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"The King's!" echoed Rocky Mountain Oyster and Bitch's Bitch.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"The King's!" shouted Mouth Down South, when it seemed there would at last be silence.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"What have you for the King?" Cockagami asked.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"I have in my hands a poem!" Dr. Kimble revealed, and at last a mostly respectful silence emerged, allowing Dr. Kimble to recount the king's exploits through the years. Not a dry eye was left at the end of the speech, though truth be told some of that was due to the smokiness of the candles.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"Sire, sire!" Dick Simmons shouted with alarm.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"Ah, a jester! How marvelous!" King Rong Jon said with a gleam in his eye. "Drink, jester, drink! Someone hand him a glass."</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"The horses! Bandits have the horses!" Wrinklepecker informed them. "They've stolen four of them, and more are coming. Raise your knights!"</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"Nights?" the King arched an unsteady eyebrow. "I can't raise night, it's already dark."</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"No, your forces of defence," Millimeter Peter explained.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>"You must protect your serfdom."</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"Ah," the King waggled a finger and sipped from his cup. "This is where you are wrong my friend." He put an arm around Hand Pump.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"I've said I was a King, and in fact I am The King, </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">The finest one I know.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">I've journeyed far, I've journeyed wide,</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">To heav'n and hell below."</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"I've mastered horse and bested man,</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">My battles are renowned.</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">And lucky is the one who kneels</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Below my tarnished crown."</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">"I'll take my pleasure as it comes</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">And kill my fiercest foe</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">I'll drink from every bottle and cask</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">But rule <em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">this</em> Kingdom?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>No."</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">***</span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">In days of old, when knights were bold and journeyed from their castles<br /> Trusty men were left behind, knights needed not the hassles<br /> They helped themselves to pig and peach<br /> And drank from King's own chalice<br /> Oh, it was a stirring sight, these gypsies in the palace.</span></em></p>Mon, 10 Oct 2016 08:29:48 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/109http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/109
Rongjon<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;" align="center"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Tribute to King Rong Jon at 60 Years Old</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;" align="center"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">&nbsp;</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Rong Jon reads his poetry ever so nimble</strong> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">But today on his birthday it&rsquo;s just Dr. Kimble</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Welcome all hashers to honor The King</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">After this reverence some hash songs we&rsquo;ll sing</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">So what&rsquo;s with that name? What&rsquo;s going on?</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Like his friend Caitlin Jenner, he used the wrong john</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;<strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"></strong> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">He&rsquo;s 60 years old, not that many years</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">At AT&amp;T sixty buys just 5 beers</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">He hails from La Jolla, his mother hash</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">No hash names or antics or even a trash</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">So he moved to The City, far better to bash</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Soon falling for P.I.T.A., the Pain in the Ass</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">When P.I.T.A. moved on he chased Closet Queen</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">(Leg Over was taken, nowhere to be seen)</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">But even C.Q. treated him mean</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">From hashing the King started to wean</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">He focused on Caltrans to forget his ex</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Where he met fellow hashers Crabs and Phone Sex</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">They made him break out from nothing but work</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Even taught him to hare with a good circle jerk</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Still, year after year unable to score</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">He took up the inter-hash more and more</strong></p>
<p><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">From Europe to Asia and points in between</strong> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Spending baht, dong and pesos for a fucking machine</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">How does he afford all those short timer whores?</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">By becoming a slumlord, fleecing On All Fours</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">And speaking of fleece don&rsquo;t graze or troll</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">For sex with sheep like the Welsh Glory Hole</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">His wholesome lifestyle has treated him well</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">He&rsquo;s still alive although looking like hell</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">He&rsquo;s outlived Vax Headroom, Voyeur, Friar Fuck</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Is it his genes or perhaps just good luck?</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">also Ultraman, Muff Snatcher, Danglin we miss</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">This tribute is ending. I need to go piss.</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">To hear this again, verbatim without fail</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Come out Thursday night and run the same trail</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Niners are playing. Does anyone care?</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">When you can see Rong Jon not once but twice hare</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Behind Legion of Honor, not very far</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">34th Avenue and Camino del Mar</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">To good health raise your vessels.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>Honor The King</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">(XXXXX) give us a song to sing. </strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 10 Oct 2016 08:42:39 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/107http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/107
Miss Delivery and Fuck Buddy<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Jesus Ass Slapping Christ!"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>Muff Daddy put one hand to his earbud. Herassic Park walked a little more quickly as she passed by. "Debates, you know." He explained loudly.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;Hand Pump silently appeared next to him. "I hope you're not wasting your time on that. The Internet will have already fact-checked everything approximately two seconds after it's left their mouths." He lowered his voice further. "Besides, our current mission has... priority."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Muff Daddy rolled his eyes, stuffing some stale Cheetos in his face, all the better to disguise his words to any passersby. "This isn't my first day at the rodeo, HP. I have just confirmed that our mosquito drones are active." He jumped as Cunty Butler slapped her leg. "Though not without some drawbacks." He waved Miss Delivery and Fuck Buddy over. "Can we get the pack out soon? They're destroying all of my listening devices."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fuck Buddy rolled her eyes. "Look, if you had just told Circle Jerk to make pigeons instead, no one would have noticed. The regulars around here are a little fucked up, to be honest."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Eyes on the prize, people." Miss Delivery slapped Muff Daddy's back, and he choked on a Cheeto. By the time Perfect Woman had given him the heimleich, the hares were far in the distance.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"You have your appropriate Unnamed targets, Perfect Woman? And all agents are operative?" Hand Pump looked at him sternly.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Yes, but I made a bit of a mistake in briefing Heracknophobia," Perfect Woman grimaced. "Turns out she's TSA, not NSA." He watched as she grabbed at Stinky Floss's behind.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Happens to the best of us." And with that, Hand Pump released the hounds, who immediately dragged Wrinklepecker and Masterbaster into a large grove of bushes. The pack, sensing the sort of danger that you perceive as a six year old creeping into your parents' bedroom at night because you think they're strangling each other, veered immediately to the left to follow trail.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Douchicorn slowed beside Buck Fucka and Just Jaci, and the two men exchanged a slow wink, then tripped over each others' ankles. Just Jaci, without bothering to stop, found Wee Wee and linked hands as they skipped towards the water tower looming overhead like a May Pole.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Cam stopped for a second beside them. "Are you okay?"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Leave them soldier!" Yes Sir She's Just Fat dove over the pile and rolled into the bushes. "It's too late for them."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">He Blew The Dick barrelled through behind him. "She's a going down, captain!" he yelled. "We've taken on too much water... and not enough beer!"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I'll help bail!" Just Cam squirted some water from his eyelid. The other two stared at him, and scribbled something into their notepads before running off. "I was just trying to help," Just Cam said forlornly. He trailed after them, relieved to see beer at last close at hand.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Did you get the pics?" Miss Delivery asked Dick Simmons as he came to the drink check.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Er, no, I mean I did, but I've been having some trouble uploading..." Dick Simmons pressed a button or two on his GoPro.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Nevermind." Miss Delivery appeared to be listening to something. He nodded at Chicken Bone Her as she strolled past. "We've got them. Good work, agent."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Er, thanks?" Dick Simmons kept pressing his buttons, unable to restart his hardware. Roman Showers, not bothering to stifle a burp, randomly pressed on one as she blithely walked by. The camera rebooted and started working once again, allowing Dick Simmons to resume his race to the beer check.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"We've got a distress signal coming in!" Millimeter Peter pulled Fuck Buddy aside. "The Chief's having a bit of trouble."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"What seems to be the problem?" Fuck Buddy tried to assemble her face into a configuration that conveyed concern.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"He got to the beer check okay, but the start... it seems to be eluding him."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>"I fucking checked in on Facebook," Ska Skank rolled her eyes. "If he's that technologically challenged, how on earth has he climbed the ranks this far?"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fuck Norris rolled her eyes. "Nepotism, I bet. I heard he's Kim Kardashian's second cousin once removed."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Wash This Asshole shook his head. "The man's done good work. He brought down that human trafficking ring disguised as a Red Dress Run."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I heard that was just because he got so drunk they got kicked out of the bar that was right next to the police station." Slap A Bag of Dickz answered back.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>"Maybe that's what he wanted you to think." Zippercised stepped out of the darkness.<span>&nbsp; </span>"I mean, I was really drunk, but that was how I had <em>planned</em> it."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Sir," Wash This Asshole nodded his head. "Your operatives are in position."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Excellent." Zippercised tightened his collar. "Let's begin. Bitch's Bitch, the documents?"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Actually, I've been reassigned." Bitch's Bitch shrugged at the gaping faces.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"But what of loyalty to your kennel, your country, your creed?" Dick Ass Mother Fucker trembled.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"You know what they say," Bitch's Bitch winked. "Bitch better have his money."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Not to worry!" Titty Boo Boo appeared out of the shadows. "I've got this one." He pulled out a sheaf of papers and thumbed through it.<span>&nbsp; </span>"Just Ben. Just Ben was born in New York in 1946, and he believe that global warming is a hoax by the Chinese... oh, sorry."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The crowd stared at him, shifting impatiently.<span>&nbsp; </span>"As I was saying," Titty Boo Boo continued, oblivious. "He was once bitten by a radioactive Chernobyl spider, and his superpower is cataloguing VHS tapes..."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">His voice droned on and on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>"Just Jaci faints in showers, but only when she is with strangers, and so she has made that a part of her traveling pole-dancing circus act... ever since they banned the elephants, Barnum &amp; Bailey has been a little hard up, you know..."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Her great-aunt's middle name is Petunia..."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"And once he swallowed a small vole, but immediately spat it back out again..."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Just Fiid worked in the red light district in Amsterdam. No, he worked on the red lights in Amsterdam, sorry, my writing was a little messy..."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"And then Just Cam said, stop, I am a porpoise..."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Enough!" shouted Just Doesn't Get It. "What are we doing here?"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"We're finding the truth about these unnamed hashers!" Do Her Well stomped her foot on the ground.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>"The truth?" Just Doesn't Get It for once towered over the crowd. "You can't handle the truth!"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Exactly!" On All Fours declared. "To anyone who asks, I just turned twenty-seven!"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"And a Happy Birthday Fuck You to you!" Just Doesn't Get It proclaimed. "We are a den of half-minds led by a rabble of dumbasses, organized for nonsense and armed with misadventure. So let us go forth, and either Shit or Get Off the Pot."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And so it was that for that night, all got off the pot and got on to the on after.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But as Just Jaci would tell you, if you don't have to Shit sooner, you will just have to Shit later.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>The End</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 03 Oct 2016 08:28:04 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/106http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/106
Douchicorn<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Be vewy vewy quiet,&rdquo; Whorifist whispered. &ldquo;We&rsquo;re hunting Douchicorns.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What does the Douchicorn look like?&rdquo; Titty Boo Boo shouted, a hand from One Night Only instantly covering his mouth. Titty Boo Boo wiggled his eyebrows at her and dived into the bushes, hoping against all hope and reason she would follow.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The Douchicorn is a wiley creature,&rdquo; cautioned Gobble My Ass. &ldquo;Full of tricks and cunning. Linguistically he is still quite primitive, so we must use utmost care not to confuse him. That&rsquo;s why John Handcock and I have brought a companion to communicate with him.&rdquo; She looked over at Just Oliver humping a tree stump.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;His coat is naturally configured into a Man-bun.&rdquo; Masterbaster was letting Allahu Aqbark sniff a bottle of Kumbucha. &ldquo;His secretions are slightly alcoholic and taste like old dish towels.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But don&rsquo;t be deceived,&rdquo; cautioned Buck Fucka. &ldquo;He is not a friendly creature. He could spring at any moment, and most of you will never have even heard of him.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hand Pump studied the assembled pack. &ldquo;Follow these drops of flour,&rdquo; he cautioned. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m taking the beer somewhere safe.&rdquo; With that he screeched off, driving out of the park and towards South San Francisco.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Why do I think we shouldn&rsquo;t have let him go?&rdquo; Cunty Butler opined. She waggled her eyebrows at an older gentleman driving past. &ldquo;Nice car, good-looking.&rdquo; The car rolled to a slow stop, its driver having died of a heart attack instantly. &ldquo;How about a ride?&rdquo; Cunty Butler shoved the body to the back, holding the door open for On All Fours.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The rest of the pack resigned themselves to the hunt, some more reluctantly than others. Me No Engrish looked to the sky to find directions in the constellations, but she was immediately blinded by the full frontal of Zippercised, who was busy coating himself in beer, flour and egg. &ldquo;I heard this will lure him out,&rdquo; Zippercised explained. Vagina Dentata jumped in to help.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fuck Buddy scoffed. &ldquo;I think this will be of more use,&rdquo; she said, pulling her underwear out and putting them on a stick. Foul Balls leapt from the brush and snagged them in his mouth, legging it quickly away into the darkness.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;They certainly were,&rdquo; Udder Moron snickered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We&rsquo;ve been going in circles for hours,&rdquo; Just Ben complained. &ldquo;And if I hear Brown Eye complain about Whitney one more time&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;He didn&rsquo;t even bloody his lips when he went down on her,&rdquo; Red Heading said smugly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think the Douchicorn has eluded us,&rdquo; Do Her Well sighed. &ldquo;Does anyone know where we are?&rdquo;<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> <!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Are we even still in San Francisco?&rdquo; Resting Slut Face sounded desperate. &ldquo;This reminds me a lot of Colorado, especially the place where I got a handjob from a strange man.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Time to find shelter.&rdquo; Good Shit Lollicock wiped his hand thoroughly on his jacket. He opened his arms and wrapped them around Wee Wee. &ldquo;Let&rsquo;s huddle together for warmth!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Wee Wee pulled herself away. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m going to find a restroom.&rdquo; She linked arms with Just Jaci and they disappeared into the bushes.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I ate a grasshopper!&rdquo; Just Hadley announced proudly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This is all falling apart.&rdquo; Deadbeat said. &ldquo;This is worse than the hash crash of &rsquo;08.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What happened then?&rdquo; Bitch Pimp asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You don&rsquo;t want to know,&rdquo; Gloryhole said, dead eyed. &ldquo;We need a fire in order to survive the night. He reached over and pulled Minor 69er&rsquo;s shoe off. &ldquo;This marathon chip should do.&rdquo; Angling the moonlight onto the bright orange reflective stripe, he aimed the beam into a nest of leaves he&rsquo;d created. With a whoosh, the leaves lit up with flame, as did the dead pine tree next to them.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What&rsquo;s going on here?&rdquo; Two police officers had wandered over to the gathered group. Dick Ass Mother Fucker dived into the ditch, gulping in fright. A slight whistling sound pulsed slowly, corresponding with his shallow breaths.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Not much,&rdquo; My Little Porno batted her eyelashes, linking arms with MUG. &ldquo;We were just heating up over here.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The only place flaming bushes are legally allowed is in North Beach,&rdquo; one officer said. &ldquo;Shall we?&rdquo; He held open the door of his squad car, allowing the pair to slip in. The car sped off into the night, sirens blazing.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This thing&rsquo;s getting hotter than my card slot from all the dues,&rdquo; Muff Daddy snickered. Sleazy looked at him worriedly, then back at the rising flames.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Look at what we found!&rdquo; Just Get It Over With cried in victory. She led a now passive Douchicorn from the bushes, Saigon Sally right behind him. &ldquo;He was lured by our Oktoberfest get-up.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Was there a reason you guys set the park on fire?&rdquo; Saigon Sally asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Some hashers thought they knew what they were doing,&rdquo; Fucker informed him. &ldquo;As usual, they were wrong.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;On the bright side, I can bake cupcakes,&rdquo; Cockamole scraped some batter off of Zippercised.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It pulled his shorts down. &ldquo;Eureka!&rdquo; He was quickly joined by Just Cam and Just Chris. Three streams emerged, combining into one aimed towards the heart of the flames.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Everyone!&rdquo; cried Just Liam, whose virgin status wasn&rsquo;t holding him back. Together, more and more hashers pointed their personal water supply at the blaze, but the fire was barely being contained, until a booming voice filled the air.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;ve got it!&rdquo; A blast of water burst forth, drenching the entire conflagration as well as half of the pack. Soon all that was left was smoke and ashes.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Miss Delivery put away his fire hose, and Code for Penis patted him on his back.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;All in a day&rsquo;s work.&rdquo;</p>Mon, 26 Sep 2016 07:58:28 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/105http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/105
Über Lüber & Ru Ru Rimmin<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;They started as many, but became one. And then as one became many once more,&rdquo; Hoseblower remarked, digging through the trash bag. Wee Wee looked at him skeptically as he pulled out a bag of Maple Bacon potato chips.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Good Shit Lollicock rubbed his belly. &ldquo;Gimme some of that. I&rsquo;m about to rebirth a food baby.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m Just Helen.&rdquo; A comely harriette approached him, sliding an arm alongside the small of his back. &ldquo;I come once a year. For One Night Only. And tonight is that night.&rdquo; But Good Shit could not hear her over the crinkling of the bag, and it was as if she had never spoken at all.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Flour in the wind,&rdquo; Backside Banger sang to himself. &ldquo;All we are is flour in the wind.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Uber Luber and Ru Ru Rimmin did leave a lot here,&rdquo; Zippercised pointed out, mostly to himself. &ldquo;Well this should be interesting.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And the pack took off, Dick Simmons holding camera aloft. &ldquo;I capture these moments, but myself am outside them,&rdquo; he opined. &ldquo;Is it better to have a transient glimpse of life as it were, or to live fully within the them with no record of what has passed?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;As long as you get my good side,&rdquo; Stinky Floss remarked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Your utilitarian view suits you well,&rdquo; Fucker commented. &ldquo;But it is ultimately all meaningless, for all will be destroyed by the progress of time.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The pack paused at the split. &ldquo;Turkey, Eagle, what shall we do?&rdquo; asked Cirque du So Lame.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It is best not to live on extremes,&rdquo; Fuck Norris told him. &ldquo;We shall take the middle route.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What the hell is she on about?&rdquo; Just Cam asked. &ldquo;Trail doesn&rsquo;t go that way.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s like in Snow Buddies when the dogs decide they have to stand up for their friends. Sometimes you can&rsquo;t follow the course proscribed,&rdquo; Just Ben explained.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yes, but I would like to get to the beer,&rdquo; Just Chris insisted.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I think you&rsquo;ll find more enlightenment in sobriety,&rdquo; No Shit scolded.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The pack, as a whole, paused and stared. Double Man Cum edged away from him nervously.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Um, I think we should just go back to the start.&rdquo; Weekend At Abba&rsquo;s suggested, turning and walking away quickly. In silence, everyone followed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Quickly Zippercised and Millimeter Peter convened Circle, calling up the Hares to unearth the truth about what was going on.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We celebrate what is neither seen nor unseen,&rdquo; Uber Luber proclaimed, kneeling to the ground.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Ru Ru Rimmin knelt beside him. &ldquo;We cling to things that are impermanent and therefore unsatisfactory. We leave behind the transient and move toward what remains. And what remains is nothing.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And I thought we had the good drugs,&rdquo; Zippercised remarked. &ldquo;And all this involves having no beer?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Alcohol clouds the mind and separates us from the true path,&rdquo; Sodomentary Cock explained.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;So you want us, at a drinking club with a running problem, to stop drinking?&rdquo; Cockamole asked, then turned away to keep from laughing.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yes!&rdquo; Uber Luber said with increased urgency.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And how exactly are you going to&hellip; make us?&rdquo; Millimeter Peter asked delicately.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Uber Luber and Ru Ru Rimmin looked at each other and nodded. &ldquo;Oooooooooohm.&rdquo; They hummed in unison, and were soon joined by at least half of the pack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>&ldquo;Oooooooooooohm.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The sound was unceasing, impenetrable, and increasingly aggravating. Allahu Aqbark, Scatmaster, and all of the other dogs in the neighborhood echoed the sound, howling to the moon. Wrinklepecker and Masterbaster tugged their hounds to no avail.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Ok, ok, ok fine.&rdquo; Zippercised agreed. &ldquo;We&rsquo;ll try it your way, just shut the fuck up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>I think we have some birthdays?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sister Fister, Buck Fucka, and Allahu Aqbark all came forward. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s my five thousandth,&rdquo; Sister Fister announced proudly. &ldquo;But I don&rsquo;t think I look a day over two.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, please,&rdquo; Cunty Butler rolled her eyes. &ldquo;Everyone knows the soul is no more permanent than that cup that you&rsquo;re holding.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s bullshit!&rdquo; Titty Boo Boo thrust his flask behind his back as all eyes turned to him. &ldquo;I told you I was a bobcat in my last life.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Just because you&rsquo;re an Manther now&hellip;&rdquo; Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It muttered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Have none of you even studied Buddhism? Everything you&rsquo;re going on about seems like it was arbitrarily pulled from a Wikipedia page!&rdquo; Roman Showers proclaimed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Um,&rdquo; Do Her Well looked around guiltily. &ldquo;I mean&hellip; ohm.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s like none of you have even read all of the eight precepts!&rdquo; Roman Showers ranted.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Huh?&rdquo; I Cunt Hear You looked up.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Like do you really expect anyone from this group to stick to precept three for more than a week?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What exactly is precept three?&rdquo; Uber Luber asked. &ldquo;For anyone here who doesn&rsquo;t know. We know, for sure, of course.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;That&rsquo;s the part about abstaining from sexual impropriety.&rdquo; My Little Porno chimed in helpfully.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Uber Luber and Ru Ru Rimmin looked at each other, panic rising in their eyes. &ldquo;In that case, pass the bottle opener!&rdquo; Ru Ru Rimmin turned to Twerxes, who shrugged guiltily, hash-shit-less. Six Tits A Week passed him a beer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well, as long as we are back to our selfish, drunken, sexually capitalist notions, dues are due!&rdquo; Perfect Woman reminded them.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And just as circle was about to commence in this trash, just when Mouth Down South thought he was about to escape drinking for new shoes in the written world as he tried in the physical, he is called up once more for beer to be poured into the best vessel of all. And now I shall have to close instead of following along with the songs that were sung as he awaited his down down, for they went on so long and so interminably that it can be said the pack truly reached <em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">nirvana</em>.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End.</p>Mon, 19 Sep 2016 08:50:01 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/104http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/104
Tricrapylete<p class="MsoNormal">I mean you&rsquo;ve made peanut butter and jellies before, so how hard could a little pie be? It&rsquo;s just a matter of getting your ingredients together, right?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Jesse runs in between you and One Night Only, snatching your recipe from you. He mutters something deranged about publications and citation formatting, but he is around the corner before you can catch him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Well, you&rsquo;ll just have to make do without. You know a great liquor store at the top of the Lyon Street steps that sells Wild Turkey, and what pie would be complete without alcohol? So you set off, taking a detour through Alta Plaza Park, where you see Laps In Judgment staring at you while she circles around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>You better hurry, Hand Pump and Saigon Sally told you that they preferred pie over cake for their birthdays, and you plan to deliver.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But you can&rsquo;t even manage to get the whiskey right, because Titty Boo Boo has snatched it from you already and before you can grab it from his hands, it has made its way over to Buck Fucka and Do Her Well. Do Her Well told you to make the pie in the first place, but you aren&rsquo;t about to ask her for that bottle back, not with the glare she&rsquo;s giving you.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Come to find out, the hashers are all following you instead of doing useful things like preheating the oven, picking the fruit, or even just buying a pie from Safeway. Probably because there&rsquo;s a hole in your bag of flour and like geese heading north for winter they can&rsquo;t help their instincts.&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Twerxes just ran into the oven anyways, and you put your hand over your cranium because now there&rsquo;s a big crack in the glass. Vagina Dentata hands her a large wooden cock to comfort her. Crabs tells you that you can find a new oven in Aisle Three.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Try My Ass comes up to you and you decline, because you&rsquo;re pretty sure it&rsquo;s not a cow pie that Hand Pump and Saigon Sally are interested in, and he wanders off in some direction away from the beer.&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Finally, Banana In Public brings you a crust he says he got from a guy on the street corner, and even better it turns out that guy was Good Shit Lollicock, so you are probably ok. Fucker has brought some mincemeat from the UK, and he is saying something about the pound, so you decide to throw it in because you know how hashers like a good pounding.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You need some water, so you ask Muff Daddy and Paki Ass if they can go to the fountain, but they just go into a dark corner together. Weird.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You finally start to assemble the pie, but Just Jaci keeps taking the crust off and Just Ben and Just Cam keep staring at her. LCB&rsquo;s dog has already eaten all the extra mincemeat, and Shaft is restraining Fluffer from &ldquo;eating&rdquo; LCB&rsquo;s dog.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cuming Mutha is reading directions out loud, but it&rsquo;s in Australian, and it turns out to be for trail mix. Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch and Hoseblower show up about an hour later to translate.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Heracknophobia is trying to tell you something, but I Cunt Hear You is muttering at Dick Ass Mother Fucker in the background, and Dick Simmons flashes you instead so that&rsquo;s no good.&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Weekend at Abba&rsquo;s and Perfect Woman help you put it in the oven, and Minor 69er jumps in to turn the light off.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">At last you&rsquo;re pretty sure that it&rsquo;s ready, but you are suddenly surrounded by a strange crowd of people all patting their bulging stomachs and shouting &ldquo;Fuck You!&rdquo; or at least that&rsquo;s what Vagina Dentata tells you. Today Is Monday is on one side of you, and Boner Malfunction is on the other, and Dual Tools is right up your ass and you thought you could count on him as loyal but you guess not. And by the time they stop singing &ldquo;FHAC-U&rdquo; about two days later you realize the pie is burnt to bits. There is no pie for the hashers at all.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You know it was a fantastic sight before it got too dark.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Oh well.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You got to the bar, drink your beer, and perk up when someone calls &ldquo;Tricrapylete&rdquo; aloud. Fuck the pie, it&rsquo;s time for karaoke, and that means it&rsquo;s truly your time to shine.&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Goodnight.</p>Mon, 12 Sep 2016 08:14:15 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/103http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/103
Stinky Floss & Chicken Bone Her<p class="MsoNormal"><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">A Recounting of Our Monday Night Activities to a Fictionalized Version of My Ninety-Five Year Old Neighbor</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well, dear, I think it&rsquo;s just so good that you kids are so active. It sounds so fun, having a wonderful view of the bridge and the sunset after a nice run.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Stinky Floss? And Chicken Bone Her? That&rsquo;s a tad rude, don&rsquo;t you think, dear? Well I understand pseudonyms, goodness knows I won&rsquo;t repeat what I was known as back in the day&hellip; Well, I&rsquo;m glad they did a good job, and you all didn&rsquo;t make them drink too much. Oh, they brought special vessels for some birthday boys? Such thoughtful girls, and even giving them cake?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Oh. Oh, dear. Well, I&rsquo;m glad this &ldquo;Cuming Mutha&rdquo; enjoyed being doused in egg, beer, and flour. And Hoseblower did a strip tease for the tourist bus? Did no one call the police?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You should count yourselves lucky that you have nothing on your permanent record. Well, yes, I guess if even Crabs can get a job, then you have nothing to worry about. And with friends like this Deadbeat you can&rsquo;t get your hopes up. But if Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring&rsquo;s employers ever find out&hellip;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It&rsquo;s great that even your co-workers are joining you, but don&rsquo;t you think making fun of Just Liz&rsquo;s chest might make Tuesday morning more awkward? Oh, water jugs, I see, but you still don&rsquo;t want to embarrass her in front of everyone else, you know.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Yes, I see how Just Ben carrying a shoe around might be humorous. But you don&rsquo;t have to make people drink for everything that sounds silly. I&rsquo;m sure this Good Shit Lollicock character had a perfectly good reason for being on all those street corners.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And teasing Primal Vagina for spending time with her girlfriend? We are in San Francisco you know&hellip; well, yes I understood immediately her girlfriend was a dyke&hellip; oh, bike, yes, I&rsquo;ll add new batteries to my grocery list.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Oh, if people like Ska Skank, Drunkin Honuts, and Code For Penis come back to you, you must be doing something right? You have a point, my dear, but I&rsquo;m not sure it is what you think it is.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You know, by now you&rsquo;ve gotten all the rises you could out of me&mdash;I&rsquo;ve seen more in my day than you&rsquo;ve seen in years! So let me give you some advice. When you have participants like Cirque du So Lame and John Handcock, Geordi La Foreskin will come calling. And any one with sense should expect Sister Fister to draw out the Princess Labia in all of us. You&rsquo;d have to be an Udder Moron to think differently.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Please point Yes Sir She&rsquo;s Just Fat towards Dick Simmons&mdash;from what you tell me about his Facebook updates, just following him could lose you Six Tits A Week.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I hope you treated your out-of-towners well. Life is tough in this city, by now there&rsquo;s a little Rent Whore in all of use, but if you&rsquo;re Just Lucky you&rsquo;ll find your way through. Just don&rsquo;t be a total Douchicorn, and for heaven&rsquo;s sake try not to Minor 69er, or you&rsquo;ll get the Shaft faster than you can say Saigon Sally. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span>And remember if you Jizzard during your Weekend At Abba&rsquo;s, please Wash This Asshole before you Ru Ru Rimmin the mistakes you&rsquo;ve made.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And if you have a Cowlick of sense, you&rsquo;ll eventually reach the day you can say &ldquo;Now I Know My STDs,&rdquo; but let&rsquo;s all hope you don&rsquo;t have to be On All Fours with a Pharma Ho to get there.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I should stop carrying on, my reputation must&rsquo;ve gotten a bit of a Brown Eye, if you know what I mean. I hope you took an Uber Luber home, dear, I do worry when you&rsquo;re out late. Well, goodnight, it&rsquo;s time for me to do some laundry, goodness I hope I can get these Tears of Semen out in the Backwash!&rdquo;</p>Mon, 05 Sep 2016 13:44:38 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/102http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/102
Gobble My Ass & John Hand Cock<p class="MsoNormal">I Shart The Sheriff holstered his guns by shrugging on a large sweater. Shit, San Francisco was cold and hilly. And he had far too little time to serve his mission, though it seemed Gobble My Ass and John Handcock were playing into his hand with each additional grueling mile of trail. But he could not let himself get distracted, not by the lure of a tantalizing backcheck, not by coy harriettes like Weekend at Abba&rsquo;s and Weiner I Am, not even by Hand Pump&rsquo;s offer of *wink, wink* a ride in his van.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">No, our visitor&rsquo;s goal tonight was simple, a single, governing question on his half-mind, which would drive him day and night&mdash;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">His thoughts were interrupted by Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It crashing his way out of the bushes. &ldquo;Worse than Primal Vagina,&rdquo; the man muttered to himself, pulling briars out of his bulging thighs before darting off into the darkness.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The sounds of cracking branches did not abate&mdash;soon Buck Fucka followed JDGI&rsquo;s path onto the trail, a red light beading on his forehead. &ldquo;Duck!&rdquo; I Shart The Sheriff cried, diving onto the man, just in time for Douchicorn to leap over them both. &ldquo;They&rsquo;re hunting us!&rdquo; he claimed, pushing both hashers forwards along the trail, and all ran in terror to the beer check.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I Shart The Sheriff looked around at all of the suspects&mdash;erm, hashers, gathered together around the van. He knew he hadn&rsquo;t long to complete his mission&mdash;they were definitely on to him. He watched suspiciously as Just Rebecca snuggled up to Silence of The Trans&mdash;what could she be hiding?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And No Shit over there&hellip; a change of hair color for Burning Man? A likely story. With Dick Simmons around, disguises were a must for a guilty soul.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And Just Jaci, Just Cam, and Just Ben&mdash;hiding in plain sight, most likely, with the latter even bringing virgins to appease his conscience. Between him and I Cunt Hear You, blackmail was likely in play for their newcomers.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">At every turn of the head he grew more and more paranoid&mdash; The Perfect Woman? A little too perfect. Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch? Whose bitch was he, anyway? Slug sounded like both a threat and a promise.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Returners Me No Engrish, Rhythm Method, and Sir Sponge Bob Splooge Pants all had good excuses, but he could see the holes *heh, heh* in their alibis.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But these were all convenient decoys, he suddenly realized, watching Fuck Buddy whispering something into Good Shit Lollicock&rsquo;s ear. The true mastermind&mdash;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Visitors!&rdquo; called out Cockagami and Millimeter Peter, and I Shart The Sheriff was forced to respond.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">He tried to entertain them&mdash;they mocked him. He tried to sing a song with them&mdash;but they were hopelessly out of key. Finally, he tried distracting them with a task which they could not complete, but those assholes just made him drink some more.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Bleh,&rdquo; he said to himself, belching slightly. &ldquo;Fuck the San Francisco Hash House Harrrrers&hellip; Harriers.&rdquo; Thighs aching, he eased himself into bed, starting when a warm body crashed down alongside him. &ldquo;Did I miss circle?&rdquo; Deadbeat asked him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It wasn&rsquo;t until the next morning, nursing a slight hangover (he must be out of practice) while perusing Facebook that the answer became clear.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A lone picture, innocent at first&mdash;Cockamole and Cunty Butler cringing in the background, a sprinting Just Liz running away up a very steep hill.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But it revealed the secret. It was then that he knew&mdash; while it was he that shart the sheriff, &lsquo;twas Brown Eye who shart the deputy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>Mon, 29 Aug 2016 09:41:02 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/101http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/101
Cockamole & Brown Eye For The Gay Guy<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Welcome to my First Annual Celebration of Women!&rdquo; Brown Eye declared to no one in particular. &ldquo;To demonstrate my appreciation for the fairer sex, you&rsquo;ll notice that my trail has several features:&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cockamole bent down to tie her shoe, only to leap up with a screech when Brown Eye prodded her.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You&rsquo;ll notice I have taken advantage&hellip; ahem, utilized several female companions during the setting of this trail.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Get It Over With frowned. &ldquo;You know, I didn&rsquo;t agree to setting this drink check...&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Brown Eye shoved a pair of bunny ears into her hands. &ldquo;Here&rsquo;s a costume.&rdquo; Just Get It Over With bit her lips. &ldquo;You can sit up there like you&rsquo;re on a throne,&rdquo; Brown Eye added, and with that her internal debate was thoroughly settled, and she ran to do his bidding.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The flour,&rdquo; Brown Eye continued, &ldquo;is mixed with dried menstrual blood in homage to the cyclical sacrifice that you ladies make for the survival of our species.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Where the fuck did you get that?&rdquo; Primal Vagina wrinkled her nose. Cunty Butler whispered, &ldquo;I sold it to him, but don&rsquo;t you dare tell him it&rsquo;s food dye.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Brown Eye waved his hand. &ldquo;And our visitor is emblematic of my interactions with gentlewomen: &lsquo;I Fought The Twat, and The Twat Won.&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;ve never met you,&rdquo; IFTTATTW retorted.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;He&rsquo;s actually my friend,&rdquo; Now I Know My STDs added, and Just Chris nodded in agreement.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And when you embark on trail tonight, you will be utterly confused and befuddled, and at times even scared, much like you ladies feel every single day.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Do Her Well crossed her arms. &ldquo;I&rsquo;ve set more straightforward trails in my sleep.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;All the beauty rest you can get, dear,&rdquo; Brown Eye shot back.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Most importantly, you will drink small amounts of beer, because ladies must mind their waist lines and their sobriety.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;Fuck that!&rdquo; Just Liz shouted and headed to the keg with her gallon jug.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Seriously. Brown Eye, no more telling us ladies what to do. To the On After!&rdquo; cried Cockamole, and Stinky Floss, Roman Showers, MUG, Fuck Norris, My Little Porno, Miss Delivery, and The Perfect Woman lifted her and carried her to the bar, with most of the women trailing after.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Watching the crowd of harriettes and honorary harriettes disappear, Dick Ass Mother Fucker scratched his head. &ldquo;Now what do we do?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Vagina Dentata scrolled through his phone. &ldquo;My app&rsquo;s got nothing.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Lemme see that,&rdquo; Good Shit grabbed it from him, and typed a few lines in. &ldquo;Best I can do without being on the shitter.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Thanks, Good Shit!&rdquo; Vagina Dentata scrambled off after the ladies, waggling the hash shit enticingly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Now for the rest of you.&rdquo; Good Shit crossed his arms. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span>&ldquo;Here&rsquo;s how you treat a woman, and I should know, I&rsquo;ve treated a few.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Weiner I Am, stop making them gag when they think of short skirts.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Douchicorn, stop spending more time at the salon than they do.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Just Davids&mdash;they can&rsquo;t tell you apart. Do something stupid.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Uber Luber, stop eating their brains.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And most importantly, Brown Eye&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But before the last piece of advice could be dispensed, Frozen Cum crashed through the crowd with Fuck Buddy and Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch at his side. &ldquo;The Anti-Ranger Run is nigh!&rdquo; he called, and pulled a taser out of his pocket. Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch squealed and ran into the darkness, but Fuck Buddy stood firm. &ldquo;Beware, beware, the Ides of March!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s August,&rdquo; Ru Ru Rimmin pointed out.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t confuse him!&rdquo; whispered Fuck Buddy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t understand. What does that have to do with females?&rdquo; Brown Eye asked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Ladies love rangers,&rdquo; Buck Fucka winked, leaping atop Eat My Pussy&rsquo;s shoulders. <br /> &ldquo;Giddy up!&rdquo; Buck Fucka snapped his whip, corralling the rest of the hashers. Together, they headed off into the sunset towards the On After.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End</p>Mon, 22 Aug 2016 08:10:41 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/100http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/100
Cunty Butler, ser titty boo boo, One Night Only and Ticraplete<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Someone better write a letter to the IOC, is all I&rsquo;ll say,&rdquo; Titty Boo Boo groused as Dick Simmons paraded himself in a circle around the group, holding his medal up high. &ldquo;Whoever scheduled the Short Shorts competition during the Hash Relay is a dick.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;At least you set the Olympic record for the first leg,&rdquo; One Night Only consoled him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;As the first time the hash relay has been included, I don&rsquo;t think he could avoid it,&rdquo; Cunty Butler said less than helpfully.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Tricrapylete had turned pale. &ldquo;I think I lost my phone somewhere, and I&rsquo;ve got a booty call coming.&rdquo; He sped off, leaping through the hurdles just as the competition started, inadvertently winning himself another medal. Udder Moron tried to flag him down, but to no avail.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Did you hear Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch got tossed from the hurling competition for doping?&rdquo; Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring gossiped to Fuck Buddy. &ldquo;I heard he got so angry, he screwed the speed walking competitors over by mismarking the route. Dildo Baggins was so off course he ended up at the hospital.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I thought that was pretty close to trail?&rdquo; Minor 69er chimed in.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, that was after he almost drowned in Stow Lake.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Synchronized swimming is nearly impossible when your partner is a goose,&rdquo; the still drenched Dildo Baggins explained.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Am I too late to enter the fashion show?&rdquo; visitor La Gingeracha asked hopefully.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Sorry, only one Mexican allowed,&rdquo; Good Shit Lollicock pushed him out of the way.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And it&rsquo;s rigged anyway,&rdquo; Craven Morehead stuffed a wad of cash down her shirt. Deadbeat strutted his stuff in front of her, and she eagerly handed him gold.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Brown Eye paused from swiping left on his phone. &ldquo;What&rsquo;s that noise? It sounds like someone&hellip; eating meat.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sir Menage A Lot turned and stared at the bushes, which were rustling ominously. &ldquo;You&rsquo;ve got to lower your standards, Brown Eye,&rdquo; he advised. &ldquo;It could be true love awaiting you in there.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Uber Luber leapt out in front of them. His mouth was covered in blood, and there was a terrible hunger in his eyes. Rogue Cow slumped out of the bushes, his skull cracked open.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t worry, man, the keg&rsquo;s not dead.&rdquo; Ru Ru Rimmin&rsquo;s voice trembled.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Now is the time when we start backing away slowly,&rdquo; Sir Menage a Lot gulped.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Holy shit, he&rsquo;s a zombie!&rdquo; Dickweed&rsquo;s scream was echoed by an inhuman roar from Uber Luber. Out of the bushes stumbled Slap a Bag of Dickz, Bitch Pimp, and Rhythm Method, slowly but methodically approaching the group.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Run!&rdquo; yelled Wee Wee, shoving Millimeter Peter into the open bed of a slowly passing pickup truck. &ldquo;Hold on!&rdquo; she instructed at him, pounding on the roof and pointing. They screeched off into the distance.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Meanwhile Slug was trying to reason with Bitch Pimp. &ldquo;Look, I know you haven&rsquo;t been hashing in a while, but that&rsquo;s no reason to be antisocial.&rdquo; Rabid snarls filled the air.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cockamole crouched behind the bus stop with Twerxes. &ldquo;Let&rsquo;s split up and divide their forces. Whistle like a mockingjay to find me, like this&hellip;&rdquo; She demonstrated.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Twerxes pierced her lips and partially deafened Cockamole. Uber Luber turned towards them, stiffly approaching with arms held out. The two harriettes gulped, gave each other a quick hug, and parted ways. Uber Luber, confused at which direction to take, staggered in place. Luckily for him Crabs had just returned from the restroom and was an easy catch.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, take me!&rdquo; Hand Pump grabbed his bottle opener and sliced open his hand. Uber Luber dropped Crabs and came towards him. Crabs gripped at his arm, blood dripping down.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;So you&rsquo;re responsible for this keg, sir?&rdquo; the park ranger already had his notebook open. By then most of the pack had scattered. Hand Pump looked around for help, but none was available. However, so focused was the ranger on making Hand Pump sign the ticket, he did not notice Uber Luber coming up behind him. He was dragged backwards into the darkness, the slip of paper left drifting in the wind.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It waved to Camel Toe from the end of the block, emphatically pointing to his left. Camel Toe put one hand to his ear. JDGI got out his semaphore flags, frantically signaling for him to keep running. Camel Toe put both hands to his ears and shrugged his shoulders, coming halfway down the block towards him. JDGI shook his head emphatically, jumping up and down. Camel Toe stopped, shouting, &ldquo;Are you?&rdquo; Cuming Mutha fell on his head from a tree like a drop bear. &ldquo;The dinnies&rsquo; fair bonza,&rdquo; he commented between swallows of brains.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Jaci crouched in the stands of the stadium with Just Ben, Just Cam, and Just Ender. &ldquo;Maybe if we stay here, no one will notice us?&rdquo; Just Ender leapt from their spot immediately. &ldquo;My virgin!&rdquo; he cried, running off into the darkness. The other three shrugged and hunkered down.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Full of Shit was pacing immediately below them, holding her phone up. &ldquo;With all these Poke Go coins, I&rsquo;ve got to be able to do something,&rdquo; she muttered to herself. &ldquo;Shit, stay still, Circle Jerk,&rdquo; she commanded her now slightly brain deader brother.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Do Her Well got up on top of a bench. &ldquo;Hash hush!&rdquo; she cried at the top of her lungs. All, zombie hoard and human hashers, stopped and looked. &ldquo;At this time!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The crowd echoed back, &ldquo;At this time!&rdquo; A good half of it was incoherent moaning, and not just from the zombies.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We all are here together because we have a lot in common,&rdquo; she said. &ldquo;A love for running, a love for beer. We were brought here from all different walks of life, but every hash I find out something more that I have in common with you. I am reminded of the power of companionship, of the joy in laughing at yourself, and in the strength of the human spirit. Now, why don&rsquo;t we all come together, humans and zombies, and&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Uber Luber grabbed her by her ankles and dragged her into the slavering zombie hoard, where she was torn limb from limb. A thumb rolled out of the melee and stopped at Cockagami&rsquo;s shoe.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well, that was completely expected.&rdquo; He said to no one in particular. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m going to the bar.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Tricrapylete ran back to the group. &ldquo;I found it!&rdquo; he waved his phone around. The screen lit up. &ldquo;My booty call!&rdquo; he cried in delight, but he was so excited that he dropped the device onto the ground. The chorus of Thriller resounded through the air.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Look at them!&rdquo; Ru Ru Rimmin cried, pointing to the zombies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>In unison, they had begun to dance to the tinny music emerging from Tricrapylete&rsquo;s phone. &ldquo;Keep calling him!&rdquo; Everyone whipped out their phones and dialed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;A whole lot of you have his number,&rdquo; Wash This Asshole remarked, suspicious.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;There&rsquo;s no time for that,&rdquo; Wrinklepecker said, frantically dialing.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Ru Ru Rimmin had grabbed the phone and was holding it aloft, slowly walking to the Kezar Stadium gates. The zombies followed, stepping synchronously to the beat. Once inside, he signaled to Perfect Woman and My Little Porno to lock the door. &ldquo;We&rsquo;ll trap them inside!&rdquo; he yelled over the music.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Are you sure?&rdquo; asked Masterbaster.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Send Doucheicorn to lock the gate on the other side,&rdquo; Ru Ru Rimmin looked him in the eye. &ldquo;In case I can&rsquo;t make it in time.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;They&rsquo;re very slow,&rdquo; Muff Daddy pointed out. &ldquo;You&rsquo;d have to sprain an ankle or something.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t jinx him!&rdquo; Backwash scolded. &ldquo;We believe in you.&rdquo; The chain rasped across the gates, and Ru Ru Rimmin began to run.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hey, help us!&rdquo; Just Ben yelled, causing Ru Ru Rimmin to drop the phone. The tune shut off, and the zombies looked towards the three &ldquo;Just&rdquo; hashers crouching in terror.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Ru Ru Rimmin looked at them, but he had already made his choice. &ldquo;To the west gate!&rdquo; he yelled, leaping heroically into the hoard.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Uh, which one is that?&rdquo; Just Ben scratched his head, and then they were overrun.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Backside Banger shook his head, studying the bloodbath on the artificial turf. He turned the key on the final lock, closing the stadium off.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Lots of work for Parks &amp; Rec in the morning,&rdquo; he remarked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I once stayed in Golden Gate Park overnight on a dare.&rdquo; Titty Boo Boo replied. &ldquo;I can tell you for a fact they&rsquo;ve seen worse.&rdquo;</p>Mon, 15 Aug 2016 17:20:25 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/99http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/99
Buck Fucka & Heracknophobia<p class="MsoNormal">Heracknophobia frowned and tapped at her phone. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s simple. If you follow the Singmaster notation denoted here, and use the appropriate algorithm&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;ve removed plenty of hares&rsquo; pants in my day,&rdquo; John Handcock replied sternly. &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t need a fucking Wikipedia page to tell me how to do it.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Heracknophobia looked at her still-clad behind. &ldquo;A multi-sided state of mind could change your life,&rdquo; she said sagely. &ldquo;You&rsquo;ll soon see,&rdquo; she added, running off.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Get It Over With put a hand on his shoulder. &ldquo;May I ask for a small offering of clothing?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yeah, my jockstrap.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Tears sprang to her eyes, and Just Get It Over With quivered with delight. &ldquo;A full set! How blessed am I, a sinner!&rdquo; She pulled off her bra, holding it in exchange, but John Handcock had already disappeared into the light of the setting sun. Luckily Chicken Bone Her was there to grab the prize.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I trained for this bullshit,&rdquo; Stinky Floss protested. &ldquo;Long, hard hours of sweat and blood went into this and they just hand it to you?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;They didn&rsquo;t even save a beer for me,&rdquo; added Minor 69er.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s not about the destination, but the journey.&rdquo; Cockamole leaned towards them. &ldquo;The arduous twists and turns that bring you closer and closer to the solution, just to force you to break the pattern again.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And then one glorious, final move brings you to the beer check!&rdquo; Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch threw his arm out towards the van.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I wasn&rsquo;t aware we were drinking Kool-aid tonight,&rdquo; Titty Boo Boo groused. &ldquo;Besides, none of you were prodded as hard as I was with Cunty Butler forcing me to mismanage the marathon beer check.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Chris shifted uncomfortably, rubbing his behind. &ldquo;I might debate you on that point&mdash;make that eight points.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You want to talk about painful, let me tell you about my last date,&rdquo; Just Louisa snarked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Buck Fucka patted Just Chris on the back. &ldquo;I feel the spirit of the Cube inside you already.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Maybe you should stick this up there instead?&rdquo; Vagina Dentata offered him the hashshit.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Non-pointed totems are a sin against the Cube,&rdquo; Heracknophobia proclaimed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The Cube abides,&rdquo; droned Perfect Woman and My Little Porno. Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It edged away from them.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You might have made the trail clearer,&rdquo; Brown Eye complained to the two hares.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Straightforward marks are a sin against the Cube,&rdquo; Buck Fucka and Heracknophobia declared.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The Cube abides,&rdquo; chanted Wee Wee and Just Jaci.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s like they&rsquo;ve all been brainwashed,&rdquo; muttered Sir Menage-a-Lot. He leapt when Saigon Sally put a calming hand on his shoulder.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;There are over three billion combinations of thoughts, but only one solution,&rdquo; Now I Know My STDs told him.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The Cube abides,&rdquo; Slug and Liquor Faster chorused.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m going to the bar,&rdquo; Mouth Down South hurried off. &ldquo;I already gave all my money to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Let&rsquo;s bring Just Jesse and Fucker up for birthdays,&rdquo; Millimeter Peter attempted to rein in their attention.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The mysteries of the Cube are timeless,&rdquo; Pythagorass said. &ldquo;But this year it turns forty-two.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The Cube abides,&rdquo; intoned Bitch Pimp and Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Visitors?&rdquo; Cockagami questioned, desperate. Snot Rag and Fifty Shades of Gay presented themselves.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Fifty shades?&rdquo; shouted Drunkin Honuts. &ldquo;Forty-four too many! Get him!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Douchicorn and Just Ben chased after Fifty Shades, who avoided them by changing directions. &ldquo;Remove his shades. Remove them, I say!&rdquo; Heracknophobia and Buck Fucka took chase, while Dick Ass Mother Fucker cut off his last remaining exit.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This way!&rdquo; Hand Pump pointed into the open van, where Fifty Shades of Gay gladly jumped to safety. Hand Pump swiftly closed the door after him, locking it quickly. He looked at the approaching crowd, each member clad in One True Color. &ldquo;The Cube abides,&rdquo; he said somberly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;The Cube abides.&rdquo; They chorused as one.</p>Mon, 08 Aug 2016 14:07:25 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/98http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/98
Backside Banger & Dick Simmons<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Just an inch more,&rdquo; Dick Simmons knelt down. &ldquo;Then it&rsquo;ll be perfect.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">9 &frac12; Wanks looked at him doubtfully. Six Tits a Week frowned. &ldquo;You think so? I thought the rip in her pants was potentially embarrassing.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, no,&rdquo; the hare reassured them. &ldquo;Split pants are quite fashionable this time of year. It&rsquo;s almost perfect.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch knelt beside him. &ldquo;I&rsquo;ll get that for you, Dick,&rdquo; he said.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">9 &frac12; Wanks leapt away. &ldquo;I think we&rsquo;ve got it,&rdquo; she reassured him, heading back to the beer van.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Not everyone can see my vision sometimes,&rdquo; Dick Simmons sighed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I hear you, man,&rdquo; Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch tried to throw an arm around his shoulder, but he was already scurrying off.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hand Pump! How did you like r*nning trail? Did you get the Shaft?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oh, I got him alright,&rdquo; Hand Pump chuckled. &ldquo;One year older, not necessarily wiser.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Older? Oh no! I didn&rsquo;t get any cake for him!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And Fucker,&rdquo; Hand Pump corrected. &ldquo;Funny, I don&rsquo;t see either of them here now.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll go bake two!&rdquo; Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch scampered away.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dick Simmons eyed the crowd at the beer check. &ldquo;Is that blood?&rdquo; he asked Mouth Down South. &ldquo;Here, hold your leg this way.&rdquo; He watched as the blood dribbled down the man&rsquo;s leg. &ldquo;Just a bit of an adjustment now, I promise it will look fantastic.&rdquo; Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch wordlessly handed him some gauze.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Shit Eating Grin showed his phone to Ru Ru Rimmin and Rogue Cow. &ldquo;How do you hide this thing? It&rsquo;s so&hellip; big. It&rsquo;s just out there&hellip; for everyone to see.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Grassy Ass leaned over his shoulder. &ldquo;I&rsquo;ve seen bigger.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /> &ldquo;Not on my watch!&rdquo; Something Blew chimed in.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This is what it was originally going to be.&rdquo; Dick Simmons pulled back his phone and stepped away as all gasped and fainted on the spot. Smelling salts were quickly placed in his hand by Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Wrinklepecker was instantly dragged over to the still bodies by Mr. Magoo the feeling eye dog. Just Zara, seeing the lust in the beast&rsquo;s eyes, immediately headed for higher ground, pulling her leash out of Pee On My Head&rsquo;s hands. &ldquo;Someone get Zara!&rdquo; she cried in distress.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch threw a rope around Twerxes, then frowned as Primal Vagina, Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring, and Wee Wee ran after the actual canine.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No, no, this is all wrong!&rdquo; Dick Simmons wrung his hands in distress as Mr. Magoo licked the last bit of cum from his snout. &ldquo;Bestiality is after circle!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Allahu Aqbark would never do that without consent,&rdquo; Masterbaster remarked smugly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Training makes all the difference,&rdquo; Cowlick agreed, patting Fluffer on the head.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Well, let&rsquo;s get circle started then,&rdquo; Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch pulled Do Her Well and Zippercised out of the tree.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Should we really do that when there&rsquo;s a cop standing right behind you?&rdquo; Do Her Well wondered.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Cop! Cop!&rdquo; Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch squeaked and rolled down the hill, narrowly avoiding the officer&rsquo;s taser. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s not even the Anti-Ranger Run!&rdquo; He yelped, disappearing into the night.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Cop?&rdquo; Sister Fister asked. &ldquo;Hey, man, where were you when some asshole was trying to grope Rhythm Method and me on trail?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yeah,&rdquo; added Dick Ass Mother Fucker. &ldquo;And where were you last week when we were running through the Tenderloin? Someone snorted at least half of the marks completely away.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yeah,&rdquo; added Cuming Mutha and Cox Box. &ldquo;And where were you when On All Fours had her bachelorette party?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yeah,&rdquo; added Fuck Buddy. &ldquo;And where were you when I started hashing? You could have saved us all a lot of trouble.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The cop looked around at the gathered hashers and wordlessly slunk back into the darkness.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I guess that means we should make fun of people now.&rdquo; Zippercised belched up a bit of curry.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Faster, funnier,&rdquo; Brown Eye got onto his soap box, only to have Buck Fucka yank it out from underneath him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Really, it&rsquo;s just the hares, isn&rsquo;t it?&rdquo; asked Do Her Well. &ldquo;Backside Banger, Dick Simmons, get up here.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll get us two down downs.&rdquo; Dick Simmons said. &ldquo;There, perfectly poured, just the right amount of foam.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What am I here for?&rdquo; asked Backside Banger.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Dick Simmons, you made cocks out of all of us, but we let you do it,&rdquo; Zippercised decreed. &ldquo;But Backside, far worse&mdash;we&rsquo;re not here to fulfill your filthy desires and kinky dreams. But you pulled it out. We know Dick Simmons didn&rsquo;t just come up with that design out of thin air.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Congratulations, sir. Your penis is now pubicly available on Strava.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Roman Shower wiped away a single tear as she knitted a ball cozy in the beer van.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;It&rsquo;s beautiful.&rdquo;</p>Mon, 01 Aug 2016 08:22:08 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/97http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/97
The Perfect Woman<p class="MsoNormal">10 Top Tips For What It Takes To Be The Perfect Woman</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Catching the man of your dreams is easy once you&rsquo;re the apple of his eye.</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: -.25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Fashion.</em></strong> Zippercised and Cockagami can tell you that looking good isn&rsquo;t easy. But remember ladies, new shoes are worth the sacrifice of a little leathery beer-- in fact, I hear that some new shoe brews may be hitting the beer scene any day now. Career advancement and relationship advice in one hot tip&mdash;now that&rsquo;s a deal!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: -.25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Confidence.</em></strong> Who cares if you are going the wrong way. You&rsquo;re on and you know it, even if trail is a mile away. I Cunt Hear You and Doucheicorn are happy to go astray with you any day. Cum Crusher will tell you if you look hard enough in those bushes, you&rsquo;ll probably stumble onto something interesting.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: -.25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Charisma.</em></strong> Serenading virgins isn&rsquo;t easy, but Full of Shit has to do it. Remember ladies, virgins are more susceptible to your charms because they haven&rsquo;t seen you puking in a corner.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: -.25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Illicit behavior.</em></strong><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>You girls know you like a bad boy, but Prince Charming also craves a little danger in his life. Start off by jaywalking in front of the cops. Just Chris and Millimeter Peter can tell you tasering hurts less after someone kisses it better.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: -.25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Endurance.</em></strong> Dick Simmons, Slug, Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch, Full of Shit, Miss Delivery, and Chicken Bone Her probably think this tip is about Hash Marathoning and then still making it to Monday. The Perfect Woman knows it&rsquo;s realizing that alcohol makes men take longer, and preparing accordingly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: -.25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Getting around.</em> </strong>Something Blew will tell you that you only will be memorable as someone&rsquo;s guest if there are body parts involved.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: -.25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Coming back for more</em>. </strong>Remember ladies, just because you left him doesn&rsquo;t mean you can&rsquo;t go back again. Raspukin, Pythagorass, Just Louisa, Full of Shit, Weekend at Abba&rsquo;s, and Shit Eating Grin are happy to accompany you back to some bad habits with worse people.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: -.25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Multitasking</em>. </strong>Why pay attention to circle when you can be swiping right asks Brown Eye? Why indeed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: -.25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9.<span style="font: 7.0pt 'Times New Roman';">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Animals</em>. </strong>Primal Vagina and Buck Fucka will tell you Mother Nature will drive men wild. Me No Engrish adds that even when your hot bitch leads you astray, you&rsquo;ll still have a great ride.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: .25in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: -.25in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">10.</span></span><!--[endif]--><strong style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Just kidding</em>.</strong> Sorry ladies, turns out that there&rsquo;s only one woman we&rsquo;d let lead us through the delightful fragrance of the Tenderloin, up to the heights of the Great Washing Machine In The Sky, into a Muni station and backchecked out again, with circle next to a school/police station, and that&rsquo;s The Perfect Woman. You&rsquo;ll never match up, so stop trying.</p>Mon, 25 Jul 2016 09:01:35 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/96http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/96
Cuming Mutha's All-Stars<p class="MsoNormal">"You're back!" yelled Abbah, smacking his red lips. "For the Red Dress run!"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Roman Showers and Backside Banger looked at each other. "I thought they would have noticed that the Facebook updates stopped," Roman Showers mused.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Calm down, Abbah," Craven Morehead said. "I'm sure others want to say hello also. And did you meet our newest visitor, Princess Labia?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>But Abbah had already drifted away to get a refresher on his makeup from Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"A dollar!" Sir Menage a Lot shouted, jumping up and down. "Lookee what I got!"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I've earned more from a streetcorner licking my balls," Allahu Aqbark snorted, tugging Masterbaster. "Come on, before they catch us." The pair swiftly ran away, turning the corner before anyone noticed.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I'm gonna catch 'em," Dildo Baggins muttered. "I'm gonna catch 'em all." Hand Pump patted his back as they walked up and down the hallway. "Of course you are," he soothed the man.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Archititty raised an eyebrow. "Conditions sure have changed since I was last here," she said in a hushed whisper to Soapscum. "It seems things are a lot more... out of control."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>Rhythm Method ran by, flashing her underwear at them.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>"The management is paying a lot more attention to the satisfaction scores," Bum Sucking Electric Fag stopped beside them. "Of course, if the board recommends a change..."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sodomentary Cock ran by in a dress made from a curtain, determinedly chasing Boner Malfunction.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I think we should see how this plays out," Archititty said firmly.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Where's the beer?" butted in Sister Fister. "Cuming Mutha said to ask On All Fours, and she said to ask Who's Your Daddy, and he said to wait for the Hash Marathon announcement, and Masterbaster is gone, and I don't understand Allahu Aqbark at all anyway and I think he's the only one that really knows."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"No worries!" Bitch Pimp said cheerily. "I love your dress by the way, so festive! Here you go, drink up."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I need to get home to my twins," Slap a Bag of Dickz grabbed the cup from her and sipped it down.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Of course you do!" Bitch Pimp's smile never broke. "Enough for everyone!" She pushed 9 1/2 Wanks forward. "Get in there dear, give them their 'medicine.'"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"But I need these sunglasses!" whined Just Alex. Wee Wee Wee All The Way Home looked at him skeptically. "I have squinty eye disorder. It's a thing."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>"It's not billable," Wee Wee disagreed, looking at her charts. "If I let you have the sunglasses, Hoseblower would want them too, and then if I gave him the sunglasses, Udder Moron would want them to. Are you able to share?"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"No!" stomped Just Alex. "Look, I'll give you sewing tips. Did you know you can make anything out of a bendy pool noodle?"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Wee Wee flipped a page. "Ah! There it is. Code for Penis." She threw the sunglasses at him. "Do what you want, I got my reimbursement."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">During her distraction most of the group had taken off, running through the courtyard, only to be stopped by a metal gate. Dick Simmons bent down and tasted some powder off the ground.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I wish we could stop him from doing that," groaned Crabs.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"This way!" Dick Simmons yelled triumphant, only to by overtaken by Vagina Dentata who had grabbed the hashshit from Wrinklepecker. Leading the group up ten flights of stares, it was his only comfort when they found the top door locked and had to go all the way back down.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"God, it chafes," Stinky Floss complained, wiping her thighs down with some of Dick's Powder<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">&trade;</span>.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"What on earth are they running for?" asked Popeye's Bitch, bemused.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>"Charity!" yelled Heracknophobia as she darted past.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Beer!" chided Saigon Sally breathlessly.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"But Charity likes it when I'm sweaty and flushed," retorted Heracknophobia.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Twerxes Like Xerxes emerged from a doorway, licking her lips. "There's a special treat in there," she advised Dick Ass Mother Fucker and Chicken Bone Her, prompting them to immediately cum with her.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Don't you think it's about time we calmed them down?" asked Primal Vagina.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>"Did you meet my mother?" Foul Balls asked, putting an arm around One Night Only. "She didn't use a condom!"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I'll get the straightjackets," One Night Only agreed.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Condoms!" shouted On All Fours, gathering Cunty Butler, Whorifist, Doucheicorn, Cuming Mutha, Bitch's Bitch, and Shoeless Joe Jackson. Code for Penis and Buck Fucka grabbed Cheese Turd and Crabs before they could get away.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"No hands, remember!" yelled On All Fours. "Now blow!"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>"I've never seen anything so beautiful," Cunty Butler opined later. "A tie between Cheese Turd and On All Fours-- that's how it had to end."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just Get It Over With jotted down a quick note. "Any other feelings you'd like to mention?"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Beer?"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Here you go," Cockamole said helpfully.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Meanwhile, Bitch's Bitch had gathered 9 1/2 Wanks alongside Ru Ru Rimmin, Uber Luber, and Popeye's Bitch for a photograph. "Say Chinese!" he yelled excitedly.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"This is going in his file," grumbled Popeye's Bitch.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"And then they fitted me with this boot, but I think I can switch it out for a thin metal blade," Drunken Honuts said to Cockagami. "You know what they say:</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Roses are red,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I like tight butts,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Don't ever piss off</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Drunken Honuts."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Very clever," said Cockagami. "Tranquilizer, anyone?" he whisper-screamed.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">---</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">To the Co-ordinators of Half-Minds Asylum:</p>
<p>The alternative practices you have employed for the past nine months are now under strict review after multiple pregnancies, severe genitalia injuries, and occasional arrests of our occupants. While patients may be more satisfied, we fear they are less healthy overall and therefore will be unlikely to remain with us for the lifelong care they need. With this in mind, we will be going on full lockdown. All red dresses will be confiscated.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sincerely and with highest appreciation for your work,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dr. Do Her Good</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 18 Jul 2016 08:39:41 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/95http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/95
Cunty Butler and ser titty boo boo<p class="MsoNormal">This trash is going full throttle, &lsquo;Merican style. Fuck yeah!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A little Bud(weiser), drawings of pussies and dicks, and Ser Titty Boo Boo&rsquo;s ass cheeks. An eagle named Cunty Butler screeching, soaring overhead, dropping Dick Simmons from above. Heracknophobia unfurling herself and standing proudly in American Colors. By God and the heavens above, a glorious night.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Dick Ass Mother Fucker! The rodeo is just getting started with a little Jizz Hands, when all of a sudden Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch shows up in Good Shit Lollicock&rsquo;s underwear. Minor 69er, what these boys do when they&rsquo;re having fun. Jumping over cars Dukes of Hazard style, Dickweed and Saigon Sally take off after them, with Dual Tools Up My Ass close behind. The action is so hot that Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It is pulled over for speeding. &lsquo;Merica&rsquo;s finest, protecting the country from such ne&rsquo;er Do Her Wells. Brings a tear to my eye.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Crabs! One Night Only we&rsquo;re able to show our true red white and blue, and tonight is that night. Just Chris and Just Jesse trade bandanas and do fifty pushups in a row, just because they can. Mouth Down South lifts a Smart Car with his teeth and flips it over. Perfect Woman and Stinky Floss do splits in the background.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Thirsting for a little Hand Pump, Wee Wee comes in hot to the beer check, panting as she sees Cockagami step out of his new Ford pickup, kegs of Miller Light under each arm. Millimeter Peter is riding him like a draft horse.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Deadbeat&rsquo;s dad couldn&rsquo;t be prouder as My Little Porno guzzles her beer out of her new shoes. Just Jaci tries to find the flabongo, but all she gets is glitter flerpes. Next week the eagle tramp stamp better be ready for prime time!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As a finale, the hares try to light Dick Simmons&rsquo; hair on fire with sparklers, but visitors PO Box and Jugs Juicy stun them just in time with where they hid their swizzle sticks.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">God bless you, and God bless America! Good night!</p>Mon, 11 Jul 2016 08:40:11 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/64http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/64
Brown Eye For The Gay Guy, Just Justin, Just Bernie<p class="MsoNormal">A long, long time ago, in an ancient kingdom known as the Presidio, an unjust tyrant ruled the land for many years. When the people asked, &ldquo;May we have fun?&rdquo; He would ask, &ldquo;How much does it cost?&rdquo; When the people asked, &ldquo;May we have beer?&rdquo; He would reply, &ldquo;Where is your permit?&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">His name was Supervisor Eric Mar.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And so the people gathered together with caution, looking out for his soldiers behind every bush and up every tree. They celebrated quietly, in small huddled groups. They lit their candles, but always had a fire extinguisher nearby.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It was one such night that a small crowd had gathered, braving the cold chill to lift their mugs in solidarity. Hand Pump had pulled his wagon up and was readying the keg to be tapped. As he turned his back, Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It and Deadbeat rushed over in unison.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Oy vey!&rdquo; shouted Hand Pump, startling the two who quickly zipped up their jeans.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>&ldquo;What do you think you&rsquo;re doing?&rdquo; He examined the keg closely. &ldquo;Ruined! The beer is contaminated now. This was the last keg we could wrest from the watchful eyes of Mar.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;What did they do?&rdquo; asked One Night Only. Hand Pump could only shake his head.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;We must have faith, my children,&rdquo; announced Brown Eye For The Gay Guy. &ldquo;If we but persevere and believe, D-G will provide.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;D-G?&rdquo; asked Masterbaster skeptically. Allahu Akbark yipped in response.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Yes,&rdquo; affirmed Wee Wee. &ldquo;We must all trust in D-G. He will see us through. Look, we have found one mini-keg tucked hidden in the back of Hand Pump&rsquo;s van. Let us tap it, and trust that it will have enough alcohol to last for all of us, and that it&rsquo;s not Budweiser at least.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fucker harrumphed. &ldquo;I&rsquo;m going to the bar.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">However, Zippercised and T-Ball stood firm. &ldquo;We must all stand as one together. We are not letting the oppression of Supervisor Mar stop us. L'Chayim! On on is that way!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The group ran off into the night, darting through the brush in search of beer. And as they ran, they found and collected several precious gifts. Continuing on, they stumbled through the cold, damp paths of the Presidio, following trail until they reached the sacred Manischewitz. A collective sigh emerged&mdash;a miracle! Alcohol out of the darkness! And so the group sated their thirst and continued onwards, seeking out more gifts along the way.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It was then that someone saw a glimmering light in the distance. Was it an angel? A presence from D-G?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Indeed, it was, as T-Ball brought forward the second miracle of the night&mdash;Jello and pudding shots. Quickly the pack slurped and swallowed until they were able to continue on trail once more.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And so they pursued the final goal&mdash;the beer&mdash;when suddenly a terrible sight came into their vision. A ranger of Mar! He cursed and shook his fist at the group, who quaked in terror. Suddenly Buck Fucka burst forth, yelling wildly, hair billowing around his head which had become covered in twigs from all the shiggy. He tripped and slid on his belly, skidding towards the ranger as his palms wept with blood. He was their sacrificial lamb, their&mdash;wait. Wrong holiday.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Anyway, the pack mostly ignored the ranger and took off in the other direction. At long last, they stood next to the keg, which flowed plentiful and free. The bounty was not limited to the alcohol&mdash;the pack stood together to marvel at what D-G had granted them.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hey, my car has herpes!&rdquo; shouted Cockagami. The crowd oohed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hey, my plumbing has lingerie!&rdquo; shouted MUG. The crowd aahed.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hey, I got a pregnancy test!&rdquo; shouted Miss Delivery.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll be taking that,&rdquo; said Zippercised, disappearing into the darkness.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Where are all the rest of the gifts?&rdquo; asked Brown Eye. &ldquo;I know D-G provided a lot more than that.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Eat My Pussy stood forth proudly. &ldquo;My consort Gingervitis has traveled far and long from Chicago, and his department store needs some goods. I have won them for my love.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The hash gagged collectively. &ldquo;Shit, maybe Eric Mar was right after all,&rdquo; remarked Just Get It Over With.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Nonsense!&rdquo; shouted Masterbaster. &ldquo;What are we, the type to gag when we can swallow? The type to say quit when we can say another? The type to drink beer when we can drink ALL the alcohol? And ALL the alcohol is what D-G has provided. When we had barely enough alcohol for one mile, we kept our faith and had enough alcohol for EIGHT miles. Thank D-G we didn&rsquo;t have to prove it, but we did.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hey everybody, we&rsquo;re getting hitched!&rdquo; shouted Zippercised, holding T-Ball&rsquo;s arm up proudly.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hoorah!&rdquo; shouted the hash.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I&rsquo;m so excited I just made my niece come!&rdquo; yelled Good Shit Lollicock.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And I thought I was a naughty one,&rdquo; giggled Uncle Bad Touch.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And so it was that the group learned to have a little faith in D-G, or at least in D-G&rsquo;s holey instruments, the hares. Without trust and relying on each other, we would all be still standing at that great proverbial check in the wilderness, not knowing which way to go forward.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End.</p>Mon, 14 Dec 2015 17:48:08 -0800http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/94http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/94
Brown Eye For The Gay Guy, Just Justin, Just Bernie<p class="MsoNormal">The Tale of Brown Eye and the Virgin Hares</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Once upon a time, on a small peninsula, there was a village with an overpriced rent-controlled cottage. And in that cottage lived a man named Brown Eye with two Bears.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"For the last time, Brown Eye, can you stop complaining about your roommates?" Just Ben cried, pulling his hair. "This is distracting me from booking my next colonoscopy."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I haven't said anything... yet." Brown Eye frowned. "But now that you mention it, I think one of them shaved a small pony in the shower this morning..."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Gross," said Just Ben absentmindedly. "Hey, why's this chap Cuming Mutha booked all the slots on Thursdays for knee surgery?"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Must be one kinky gastroenterologist," remarked Just Justin. "Brown Eye, have you decided where we are setting trail?"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"As a matter of fact, Justin, I have." Brown Eye rolled out a map of San Francisco that nearly covered his entire room. Justin scrambled to unearth the life-size cardboard cutout of Britney Spears that he always kept handy. He leaned over with Britney to look at the meticulous notes, which covered the city. Each park was highlighted in yellow, while stairways were denoted in blue. Bending closer, Justin noticed several spots marked in red--</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"For my eyes, only," Brown Eye huffed, gathering the map towards him. Somewhere underneath, Just Ben had begun to snore.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"We must be heading to the Castro," Just Justin assumed.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Too gay," Brown Eye frowned.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Dolores Park?" asked Just Justin.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Too straight," Brown Eye decried.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"What about Twin Peaks?" Just Ben had awoken from his nap. "I loved that show."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Just Right!" declared Brown Eye.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span>And so the pack gathered round at Ruth Asawa School of the Arts. Muff Daddy rubbed his belly, for some reason craving freshly baked potatoes. He pulled back as Public Enema Number Two dragged on the leash he held.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I still don't understand why he needs a service dog vest," he complained to Stinky Floss.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I told you, he's in a very delicate state right now. Ever since they prescribed him opiates after his back injury, he's been chasing the dragon. "</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I thought dogs were supposed to chase things," complained Muff Daddy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"My god, it's freezing up here," groused Eat My Pussy.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>"It's too hot," Do Her Well disagreed, taking off her shirt.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>"Well in my book, it's just right," barked Allahu Aqbark, but no one around him understood Arabic. Resting Slut Face helpfully poured water over him, and Allahu Aqbark took off, dragging the poor hasher in his wake.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hand Pump harrumphed. "Seems like we are starting a bit too late."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Oh yeah, well I think we're too early!" I Cunt Hear You shrank under the responding glare. "I'm just fitting the theme!"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And so they were off, Just Chris and Bitch's Bitch exploding off into the distance while the rest of the pack averted their gaze. Udder Moron and Shaft were hot on their tails, until they got to Laguna Honda and Slug's psychadelic pants made them think they were on an acid trip. After a little ECT from Dick Simmons' vest, they were put to rights and soon joined the rest of the pack at the shot check in the parking lot.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"This shot is too creamy," complained Tears of Semen, slurping down the cookies and cream number.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"This shot is too vegan," opined Reese's Penis Butter Cock, aiming for the chocolate.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Never. Say. That," Cockamole stood threatening against the sky.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"On on!" yelled Fucker just in time, and they cascaded down the hillside, Slap A Bag of Dickz aiming Hepatitis Seeing Eye Dog at every spare patch of PO he could find.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>They ran onwards and upwards until they reached the reservoir.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"This false was too short," groaned No Shit, hoping for a marathon backcheck at some point.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I thought we went a bit too long," Rhythm Method said aloud. "Oh, were we talking about trail?"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Aha!" declared Fuck Buddy. "This false was just right for me to find true trail!" and she ran upwards towards Twin Peaks.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Abbah stood proudly by the roadside, gazing at the view of the village into the distance.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"First, you must answer a riddle. I go in dry and hard, and come out soft and wet. Who am I?"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Miss Delivery flashed him eagerly, reaching for the shots.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Abbah harrumphed. "Wrong. And I think I'm a bit bigger than that."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Chewing gum!" Three Fingers gasped. "You're chewing gum." He sucked down two of the shots and took off, the rest of the pack close behind for the descent off of Twin Peaks.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Too much PO!" grimaced I'm Drunk, stepping gingerly.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Am I supposed to say not enough PO?" wondered Perfect Woman. "Because I'm a good sport, but I'm not that good."</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Just Right!" barked Scat Master, dragging Wrinklepecker along behind.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Thankfully, they were soon after at the beer check, where wiser parties were able to campaign for Technu to ward off later itchiness.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Piss works just as well," Brown Eye advised, leading several hashers to wander into the bushes. Snot Rag yelped, and hurried back out again. "I thought they were on!"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"In a sense, they were," Zippercised advised. Circle quickly convened, and everything was made up and the points didn't matter.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Meanwhile, while they were harassing each other and drinking even more beer, Just Cassie was eyeing the houses nearby.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"That looks like it's too small for a hash to be at," she muttered to herself. "And that one looks far too nice and homey."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>She wandered to the most derelict candidate possible, rang the bell, and hoped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>Fortunately for her, the chorus of "Take it in your hand Mrs. Murphy," resounded in the distance, and she was able to hide herself from the oppressive view of the neighbors just in time.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"DFL!" the pack cried happily, and when they heard her tale they cried "Ding Dong Bitch," and gave her the hashshit (delivery cum Wrinklepecker next week) and made her drink several beers.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Even more eagerly they interrogated the hares, learning much about Just Ben and even more about Just Justin, from his C-section birth to what he ate for breakfast yesterday. But nothing was more interesting to the group than, as always, his sexual preferences.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Too small!" he declared half of the pack, who had shown him their penises.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Too big!" he remarked regarding the other half that had shown him their boobies.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Too tame!" he said, when someone brought out a whip.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Cucumber!" he said, when Public Enema brought out his doggy vest.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"He doesn't understand safe words," Stinky Floss whispered worriedly, but luckily Muff Daddy had a firm grip on the leash.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Finally, Brown Eye tapped him lightly on the nose, and blood streamed forth. "Just Right!" Justin said at last. "Wanna 69?"</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And with that, Just Justin was deemed Red Heading, and having gotten the hares thoroughly drunk, circle was adjourned so all could stumble to the on after, where they drank happily ever after.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The End.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>Mon, 04 Jul 2016 13:47:48 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/93http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/93
Thing 1 & Thing 2 (Twerxes Like Xerxes & Cockamole) <p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Fuckity corn snakes! Golly gee cunty willickers! Mabel, where&rsquo;s my syrup!? I&rsquo;m making spinach.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You&rsquo;ve heard from your friends, you&rsquo;ve read in the news</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">But there&rsquo;s a fact that we must disabuse</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dr. Seuss is not dead, and buried he&rsquo;s not!</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">But crotchety he is, and dementia he&rsquo;s got.</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;You&rsquo;ve got to stop moving things, Mabel. Yertle&rsquo;s asshole, you&rsquo;re a bitch.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My name was not Mabel, rather &lsquo;twas Sue</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">But for Seuss frankly any callsign would do</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I&rsquo;d served far too long a faithful PR rep</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">With him, I&rsquo;d spent my life in lockstep.</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Get me my hookers and blow, Mabel.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Twasn&rsquo;t vulgarity that made us close the doors</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Bar out the public and turn away his fan &lsquo;whores&rsquo;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">No, true tragedy had come through the sands of time</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dr. Seuss had forgotten how to speak in rhyme.</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Where are we going? Put my coat down. I want my balls hanging out.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I&rsquo;d but one hope, in Thing One and Thing Two</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Hash House Harriers knew just what to do,</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Cockamole with Twerxes a trail would set</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">To remind old Seuss what he shouldn&rsquo;t forget</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Hah! They&rsquo;ll let anyone out and about these days! Lookit that one! He&rsquo;s got a man bun!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ah, to see the delight in an old man&rsquo;s eyes,</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">As he gazed at Just Doesn&rsquo;t Get It&rsquo;s thighs,</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Then looking past the forest and out to the pier,</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">At the ever fateful words&mdash;Beer Near!</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">&nbsp;</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I feel in my soul the start of a rhyme!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Whorifist thrust out Primal Vagina this time!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But that&rsquo;s not the most shocking thing I&rsquo;ve seen&mdash;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Uncle Bad Touch is here, and it&rsquo;s not Hashoween!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;And I look to the left and see locks freshly shorn</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Buck Fucka&rsquo;s donation will some pussy adorn</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">But besides him the visitors are humping my leg</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Someone show Mouth Wash how to pump the keg!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;But what truly reached to the depths of my heart</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Was to see my life&rsquo;s work on No Shit&rsquo;s ass as ART!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I&rsquo;ve never had such fun, never heard such laughter</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Come everyone, let&rsquo;s go to the on after!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">With that Seuss was back, his condition restored</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Perhaps just a tad filthier than before</em></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">So if you&rsquo;re looking for a new book or two--</em></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Look on the shelves for Horton Hears &lsquo;Fuck You!&rsquo;</em></p>Mon, 27 Jun 2016 08:42:56 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/92http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/92
Cheeseturd & Just Erdmann<p class="MsoNormal">Cool air is rustling through the pages</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The light is growing dim</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cheese Turd and Erdy have closed their chapter</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Of the pack, they say, &ldquo;Fuck them!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">They stroll slowly through the library halls</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A glance to books stacked, a set</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Perusing through MUG&rsquo;s and Vagina Dentata&rsquo;s new &ldquo;pages&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The wettened sole drenched with regret.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The titles themselves tell the tale</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Buck Fucka&rsquo;s &ldquo;Park Strangers and You&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cockamole&rsquo;s &ldquo;Sticking Together,&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My Little Porno&rsquo;s &ldquo;BD,MS I and II&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Pause for a second at the corner</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Where Just Ben&rsquo;s reads &ldquo;Just Ben&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sometimes one has to dig even deeper</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">To get past the smell of skunked men.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Though the bindings of all look fair and fresh</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A wrinkle in some appears</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Millimeter Peter, Brown Eye, Rape and Spillage</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Yellowed pages show added years.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">At last we come to our bookends</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Which to our untitled hare we say,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A geologist in San Francisco, Just Erdy?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sodomentary Cock, you&rsquo;ll stay.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Another volume finally finished</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hand Pump packs the &ldquo;book&rdquo; van</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I put the final electronic flourish</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">On the fabled trail we ran.</p>Mon, 20 Jun 2016 07:25:16 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/91http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/91
Handpump<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">Captain Hand Pump&rsquo;s Log:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">1800: We are experiencing pristine hashing conditions, with wind at a gentle 8 knots. The flour is set. We are prepared for departure.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">1830: My crew has gathered and listened attentively, as always. We have set a time of 1845 for disembarkment from the pier, and shall arrive at our destination within the hour.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">1845: Crew seems reticent to depart, has begun to consume beer. Ensign Cockagami has noted that Seaman Can&rsquo;t Rush Anal has a lame leg and may need shore leave to recuperate. Petty Officer Cuming Mutha joined her in the request. Granted.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">1850: Majority of crew has successfully departed. Petty Officer Gloryhole has arrived late, as usual. He may be given a tongue lashing, if he prefers, following the voyage.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">1900: Unable to discern whether lights coming from Coit Tower are distress signals or flashes from Ensign Dick Simmons&rsquo; camera.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">1910: Chief Officer Backside Banger has commandeered the Jeremiah O&rsquo;Brien. Jamison has been fully stocked.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">1930: The majority of crew has boarded, despite possible mutiny from Ensign Bitch&rsquo;s Bitch. Pirate &ldquo;Ser&rdquo; Titty Boo Boo has joined ranks with the enlisted men and is trying to hang himself from his balls. Luckily for everyone else, The Dread Cunty Butler had a pair of scissors.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">1945: Tricrapylete has been bragging about how he won a fancy room onshore, to the displeasure of the rest of the enlisted men. Brown Eye spent a while pleading his case for the extra bed. Must remind him he&rsquo;s still MY cabin boy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">2000: A successful journey all around. The crew has been granted free libations for their good behavior. All are toasting to the birthdays of Petty Officers Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring and Craven Morehead. We will drink to them tonight!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">2015: Seamen Rent Whore and Rhythm Method were found mounting a very large gun.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">2020: Much was heard re Just Elle&rsquo;s shenanigans at The Castle, prompting the crew to Chorus &ldquo;Weekend at Abba&rsquo;s.&rdquo; Duly noted, and let&rsquo;s bump her up ta Chief Engineer to boot.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">2025: There ish now a shtripper pole on the Jeremiah O&rsquo;Brien, courtesy of Just Jaci.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">2030: Ensigns Primal Vagina and Whorifist were found beating children&hellip; being beaten by children? Unclear.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">2032: Captain Ice Box has commandeered her own ship&mdash;to Australia! !!.!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">2035: Fucker ish talking to a very very nice security guard. Nice guard.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">2040: We found us some furriners! Geordi La Foreskin and No Engrish. Aboard ye landlubbers!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 63.1pt;">2100: Firsht Fofficer, Good Shit Lollicock, carry me home!</p>Mon, 13 Jun 2016 17:26:46 -0700http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/90http://www.sfh3.com/trashes/90
Who's Your Daddy?<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;This is a disaster, an unmitigated Category 5A hurricane of a clusterfuck.&rdquo; Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy slammed the phone down. Papers were whirling in the air, faxes were humming busily, Dick Ass Mother Fucker was running around in the background screaming.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Destroy everything,&rdquo; Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy declared solemnly. &ldquo;The Feds are on their way.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sir Menage-a-Lot and Craven Morehead looked at each other and slunk towards the door. Now was a good time to find a bar.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> <!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /> <!--[endif]--></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Masterbaster frantically patted himself down. &ldquo;Shit, I left the paper shredder at home.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;No excuses!&rdquo; cried Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy. &ldquo;There is no time for tears. That will come later.&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sesame Creep threw open the window and flung a set of papers out, only to have them all blow back in his face. &ldquo;Shit!&rdquo; he yelled, and tossed the contents of his favorite mug out afterwards. &ldquo;Piss!&rdquo; he screamed into the golden shower.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">You&rsquo;ve Been Fucked patted him on the shoulder. &ldquo;I&rsquo;ve already sold our beachfront mansion, dear, but I found the cutest little station wagon!&rdquo;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Who&rsquo;s running this thing?&rdquo; Zippercised asked, sipping out of his flask.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbsp;</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Chicken Bone Her is entirely responsible for this entire debacle!&rdquo; Who&rsquo;s Your Daddy carefully slid his desk placard up his pants.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">&nbs