All the actors would be new faces save Gandalf who would be played by Bill Murray and Bilbo who would be Jason Swartzman.The main color templant for the entire movie would be oranges, browns, and reds. It would all be shot in a small town in Washington, and there would be all sorts of quirky dialog throughout

"Good Morning" "Bilbo , want to go kill a dragon?" -akward silence- -Bilbo takes puff from pipe- "Why not." -Aucostic guitar plays quirky tune and we cut to the title which is on a consruction paper backdrop- "I've got parasites as big as my arm!"

Thorin, popular high school senior, fakes a bout of dragon-sickness and skips school. He drags along his reluctant homebody friend, Bilbo, and his girlfriend, AlassŽa Eruvande, on one last epic quest before they head off to college. However, the school's principal, Azog, believes Thorin's dragon-sickness is an excuse for truancy, and pursues the trio. Along the way, the heroes stop to visit an art museum in Rivendell, where Bilbo has an existential moment with his forehead pressed up against the moon crystal table. As they leave Rivendell, they are almost spotted by Thorin's dad, Gandalf, as he looks out the window at his office, where he is engaged in yet another mind numbing White Council. Thorin, Bilbo, and AlassŽa join in an ethnic pride Von Goblin Day parade, which gets slightly out of hand, and they are chased to the tune of "Twist and Shout", dodging orcs and running down impossibly steep paths. They narrowly miss being crushed by The Great Goblin as he falls into the arms of the girls at the end of the song.

...to be continued in films 2 & 3.

I am SMAUG! I kill when I wish! I am strong, strong, STRONG! My armor is like tenfold shields! My teeth like swords! My claws, spears! The shock of my tail, a thunderbolt! My wings, a hurricane! And my breath, death!