How To Talk To Babies About Marxist Theory

BABY: want bookME: that is the rankest consumerismBABY: bookME: oh you want to be a subject? you want to just be a subject that consumes blindly?BABY: bookME: sure fine you realize you’re resisting literally nothing right nowBABY: want green book

BABY: [sleeps]ME: HAVE YOU QUESTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT THE DRIVE TO ACCUMULATE CAPITAL TODAYBABY: [sleeps]ME: no of course not you just CONSUMED and PASSED OUT like a plutocratBABY: [sleeps]

ME: what do we think of German idealismBABY: [grasps own foot]ME: come on you know this what do we think of Young HegeliansBABY: [releases foot]ME: I KNOW YOU KNOW THISBABY: [spits up]ME: thats right very good

BABY: [builds tower with blocks]ME: ok this is very good under capitalism massive building projects are constructed through wage slavery and through their sheer size and scale intimidate and pacify the masses so this is a great commentBABY: [knocks over tower]ME: that’s right

[The baby is taking a bath]ME: okay which one of these floaty toys represents alienation?BABY: [splashes]ME: baby which one of these floaty toys represents alienationBABY: [grasps duck]ME: well this is just the rankest commodity fetishism i’m taking the duck back youre obviously not readyBABY: [cries]ME: are you ready to tell me which floaty toy represents the alienation of the worker? because if you’re not ready for that youre not ready for the duckBABY: [cries]ME: oh, honestly just — here, take itBABY: [chortles]ME: now i represent the alienation of the exploited worker well played baby

BABY: [nurses]ME: okay this is a great illustration of profit and exploitationBABY: [gurgles]ME: YOU ARE COMPLETELY DISREGARDING THE LABOR THEORY OF VALUE YOU ARE A BARNACLEBABY: [nurses]

BABY: [tears apart newspaper]ME: that’s very good the apparatus that props up capitalism will destroy itself some day