Hopefully, you’ve all recovered from your presumably dramatic Valentine’s Days and are ready to start preparing for the only slightly less romantic St. Patrick’s Day. Meanwhile, Hollywood is always reeling with cheating, lies, rehab, and loose lips and the tabloids represent the ever-present Big Brother. And because it makes you feel dirty to acknowledge you care, we’ve gathered the juiciest tidbits for your consumption. Enjoy!

OK!‘s cover features a giant picture of Jessica Simpson with the cover line “Sex Scandal: Betrayed by John [Mayer].” According to Jessica’s pal, “Jessica was shocked. She was really pissed off at first when she heard about it, then she read the whole interview, and the first thing she said was, ‘I’m annoyed John would sink so low.'” John had referred to sex with Jessica as being “sexual napalm.” An insider says, “She hates the thought of her family thinking of her sexually at all.” Um, did she hear what her parents said about her boobs? And if John Mayer says he’s addicted to you, isn’t that a nice thing, kinda?

Since there was a risk that Kendra Wilkinson was going to miss a week in the tabloids on account that she’s done nothing and just had a baby two months ago that she should be taking care of, it was important for her to let us know that she’s ready for another baby. She said, “Yes! Oh, yes!” to a second child and gushed about Hank Jr., “[Hank IV] is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. We love that little guy so much.” That doesn’t actually sound like a cover-worthy declaration.

It’s been a minute since Robert Pattinson has graced the cover of a tabloid, so OK! caught us up with five new secrets. First of all, “His heart belongs to a hairy female named Patty,” who is a West Highland white terrier. According to Pattinson, “the only emotional connection of relevance is with my dog, it’s ridiculous.” Of his recent Details photoshoot where he posed with naked women he said, “I wasn’t exactly prepared, I had no idea what to say to these girls. Thank God I was hungover.” He’s fascinated with diseases and wants to make a movie called “Candiru Infestation” about a tiny fish that swims into a urinary tract. He’s into elephants and jokingly said of a recent encounter, “She took my entire body in her mouth, she’s going through my pockets with her trunk, looking for peppermints. It was the best day of my life.” And he loves ’80s porn. [OK! Magazine]

As “The Bachelor” is winding down, Us Weekly is calling out “Jake’s Mistake,” dissecting Vienna Girardi who’s shaping up to be Jake Pavelka’s first choice. The tabloid reveals that Girardi’s ex-boyfriend Lee Smith got her onto the show when he met the casting director. When leaving for the show, “Vienna told Lee she’d be back for him.” Girardi allegedly told a friend that she “was just on to be famous. She never thought she’d make it so far.” It was also said that when shooting for the show wrapped, she immediately went to Lee’s home where his new girlfriend was visiting and stood at the foot of the bed, holding a wine bottle. Meanwhile, everyone’s mad that he let Ali Fedotowsky get away (i.e., return to her job), but don’t worry, she’s going to be the next Bachelorette!

Alec Baldwin went to New York’s Lenox Hill Hospital on Feb. 11 for a possible drug overdose, but apparently it was all a set-up on behalf of Kim Basinger, who encouraged their daughter, Ireland, to tell the paramedics her father sounded groggy. (He’d just taken an Ambien to go to sleep). A source says, “Everyone feels he was set up, everything was going great with him, Kim wanted to stir up trouble. It’s really sad. Alec has a very strained relationship with Ireland. He just sees her during visits, but it’s tough because Kim brainwashes her.”

Us Weekly asks whether Kristin Cavallari is “Headed to Rehab?” During Super Bowl weekend, a source says, “She was wasted the entire time. She was going around to everyone, asking them to score her some coke.” Kristin told Us in December, “I drink once or twice a week—and that’s it. Her issues are becoming apparent to everyone: she’s getting scary-thin, and not showering regularly, so her complexion is getting bad. She’s clearly unhealthy.” The reality actress has also been chronically late to “The Hills” tapings. At her birthday party, she was pissed to find she had to share the VIP lounge with actors from “The Secret Life of an American Teenager” and yelled at them. She’s also allegedly been “sleeping around a lot” and MTV producers may or may not send her to rehab. [Us Weekly]

According to the National Enquirer, Blake Lively is apparently sick of “Gossip Girl” and the “Traveling Pants” because she’s allegedly considering posing for Playboy and is asking for $2.5 million. According to the Enquirer, she started considering the gig after filming “The Private Lives of Pippa Lee,” which included a kinky bondage photo shoot. According to a source, “Blake’s mom has been in the business a long time, and she knows Kim Basinger and other actresses really benefited from posing for ‘Playboy’ early in their careers. But her dad Ernie is old-school. He says, ‘Over my dead body!’” The source adds that Lively’s trying to shake off her image—”she says she doesn’t want to get lumped in with the Jonas Brothers!”

Tiger Woods’ wife Elin allegedly went after Rachel Uchitel, calling her a “b**ch” and a “home-wrecking whore.” Apparently, Elin screamed on the phone, “You’re interfering in my family! You’re ruining our lives! What’s wrong with you? You’re pathetic! Don’t you realize there are children involved? Don’t you care?” Apparently, Elin had two screaming-match phone calls with Rachel even before she tried to clean the back of Tiger’s head with a golf club. [The National Enquirer]

People’s cover story, “Elin’s Painful Choice,” details the aftermath since Tiger Woods’ return from rehab. The couple is living separately in nearby Florida homes while Elin decides whether she can trust Tiger again. An insider says, “Tiger is on probation with Elin right now. He knows if he screws up again, or if she even gets the feeling he’s being untruthful, she is out of there.” On Valentine’s Day, Elin got dolled up and went out with her two closest girlfriends. Elin’s also made it known that she’s concerned for their marriage and children, not for golf. According to a source, those in his golf circle, “don’t want to antagonize her [Elin] because she is key to [his comeback].”

Kevin Smith continues to make as much noise as he can about Southwest Airlines kicking him off a flight for being “too fat.” On his next flight, Kevin witnessed a flight attendant telling a woman she should consider buying two seats in the future. “My heart broke for her. This ain’t about me anymore,” he said. ” Do you know how much it sucks to be fat? There’s no reason to make that person’s burden worse. I just want them to change their policy. And stop insulting people.”

Angelina Jolie spent three days in Haiti. Her goal was to “speak to as many people as I can. Then after, I am able to push for what I believe are best practices.” As a Goodwill Ambassador for the U.N. High Commissioner for Refugees, she spent most of her time talking to survivors, saying “I was struck by the strength and spirit of the Haitian people. It’s inspiring to see children holding up so strong and thinking about the future. They have incredible resilience.” In case you were wondering, Angie wasn’t tempted to take the children home with her. She instead said, “New adoptions should definitely not be encouraged as an immediate response to the emergency.” [People]

Nick Cannon is allegedly urging Mariah Carey to go to rehab after her embarrassing drunken Palm Springs Film Festival acceptance speech in January. According to a source, Mariah began drinking while she got dressed and in the car to the awards. Nick told her to stop since cameras would be on her, but the singer insisted she was fine. According to a source, “Things have been especially rocky between them since.” Another source says, “Mariah drinks champagne all day long. She always acts like she’s celebrating something, like ‘Hey, it’s noon! Let’s have a drink. She’s zoned out.” Nick doesn’t drink and “doesn’t understand why she needs to be tipsy to deal with the drama in her life.” Sources say that Nick might give her an ultimatum after her tour ends later this month.

In another John Mayer cover story, Star claims that both Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston were “Stabbed in the Heart” by John Mayer. Mayer whined, “If I date somebody and it doesn’t work out, it’s another nightmare for me” and apparently on top of the sexual napalm comments, John also insinuated that Jessica wasn’t his type or intellectual equal. He also said he fantasizes about his past sexual exploits and has slept with four or five other women since splitting with Jen, which actually seems kind of low for a man of his reputation. Jen was apparently most upset by John’s comment that he didn’t want “pet dogs in the kitchen,” which referred to Jen’s morning ritual of making coffee for John and playing with her dogs. Another source says that Jen always claimed Mayer was a cheapskate and she was always paid for vacations and dinner. Hmm … he’s sounding less attractive every day.

Lady Gaga went out with her boyfriend, art director for Haus of Gaga Matthew “Dada” Williams. He left his former live-in-love and mother of his 10-month-old son, Erin Hirsch, to get back together with Lady Gaga. A source says, “Matt was crazy about Erin, but then Gaga manipulated to get him back. No doubt, being with her is great for Matt’s career, so he took that opportunity instead of being a full-time father to his kid.” While Gaga’s friends insist that he’d already broken it off with Erin and Matt’s father insists they’re not together at all, since last July, several photos have surfaced of Gaga and Matt kissing, nude sunbathing, and going out on the town. [Star]