Married life is so different than I thought it would be. When we were young and in love, I was sure we would be the couple that would beat the odds — and you know what, in some ways, we have. But it’s nothing like I expected. I thought true love was fluttery feelings and never disagreeing.

“Okay,” I used to think, “we can have the occasional disagreement, as long as we communicate well, listen to each other, and resolve things in a calm, healthy manner.” But marriage isn’t neat and tidy like that, is it?

Now I think true love is something altogether different. It’s actually deeper and more profound than I used to think.

Steve and I are well matched. During pre-marital counseling, our pastor had us take an assessment to help us identify ‘red flag’ areas where conflict would likely arise. When the results of the assessment came back, there were no red flag areas. Sure, we had different backgrounds and slightly different perspectives on some things, but overall, we approached life with similar beliefs. We exhaled a huge sigh of relief. We were going to be okay.

We got married, decorated our apartment, and stepped into life thinking we had it figured out. We had a solid friendship and we truly enjoyed being together — but we didn’t have a clue about what life was about to throw our way.

We started off optimistic and in love, then real life happened all around us.

We’ve been through some crazy, hard stuff — depression, getting fired from a job, friends divorcing, and having a baby with a severe disability. We’ve held each other and cried with grief in moments so dark we could hardly see a way forward. There have been waters so rough, I wondered if we would make it through.

But after 16 years of marriage, I no longer believe it’s the highs and lows that make or break a marriage.

The lowest lows and the highest highs are the exception to the rule. And while they may be extremely difficult or hugely exciting, they don’t define a marriage. It’s day-to-day life that makes or breaks a marriage. The drain of the mundane can be exhausting. We work together, raise our boys together, and live life together. It’s busy and stressful. Sometimes, after the boys are in bed, and we’re both sitting on the couch catching up on our favorite BBC show, I wonder why it feels like there is a wall between us.

Bricks pile up one at a time — a small comment that hurts or being too tired to share details from the day. Each one doesn’t seem like a big deal, but over days and weeks they pile up to create a wall. Sure, these bricks can be torn down, but it takes vulnerability. Someone has to reach out to the other person with a hug, kiss, or a kind word. The same fatigue from the every day stress of life, the stress which allowed the wall to go up, makes it hard to tear it down.

I used to think highs and lows put strain on a marriage — but now I see it’s more than that.

The everyday stress of life is what makes marriage so challenging {and so beautiful}. Every day we have to fight the distance that wants to creep in and build a wall between us. I wake up in the morning to Steve making breakfast for our family and give him a little kiss. And bricks come down. Sometimes I slip a little note into his bag that says, “You are brave.” And bricks come down. Every day we have to hold each other, listen to each other, and share our hearts with each other. It isn’t fancy, but it matters. It isn’t complicated but it’s not simple either.

Marriages are built in the little, everyday moments of life.

And marriages are broken through the everyday strain of life and the drain of the mundane.

As I sit here reflecting on how different married life is from what I expected, I feel grateful I married a man who is committed to growing together. I’m grateful we work to break down walls and fight the distance. Together we are learning to be more vulnerable and to love each other better in the midst of the mundane. Sometimes it’s painful and exhausting. Sometimes it’s peaceful and safe. We hurt each other and work to mend those wounds. Day by day we wade through the mundane with heart, soul, and a lot of grace. We are learning to love each other more wholly and more deeply.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” {Ephesians 4:32}

Lord, help me to be more kind, more compassionate and more forgiving. And Lord, help me to understand the depths of your kindness, compassion, and forgiveness towards me.

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Day by day we wade through the mundane with heart, soul, and a lot of grace. {Tweet this!}

Lisa Leonard

Lisa Leonard is mom to two boys, David, 13 and Matthias, 12 and wife to Steve. In between school and work they spend their time playing outdoors on the central coast of California, eating chocolate chip pancakes, tapping tunes on the piano (David) and choreographing elaborate light saber duels (Matthias)....
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Lisa,
This a beautiful commentary on marriage. We can all be loving and kind when things are going well, but it’s in the trials of life that we see what someone’s true character is made of. How someone bears the burdens of trials with you is probably a more accurate picture of a good marriage than smiling vacation pictures from a Caribbean island. Also remembering that we are two fallible humans living together…humans that are going to need grace and forgiveness…just like God demonstrated to us through His Son. Love God. Love others (especially your spouse) as you love yourself. Sometimes I have to take myself back to basics in order to get it right. What if every day we tried to out love one another??
Blessings,
Bev

What a lovely explanation of what a marriage is…after the flutterly feelings of the wedding are gone and real life happens. The analogy of the wall of bricks is so true! Lord, help my thoughts, actions and words be ones that tear down the wall instead of adding to it. Some days are harder than others but God is faithful to forgive us and renew us each and every day! Even through our humanness and selfishness, He is faithful to help us build this relationship one moment at a time.

Lisa, your post resonated with me. I went into marriage feeling like we had it pretty well together too. Shortly into marriage, my husband attended a three-month school across the country, we walked through infertility and we learned what real life looked like. We’ve had to choose to give grace when one has hurt the other. We’ve chosen to love through the hard, through the physical distance that is a part of my husband’s job. We’re learning to love each other well, and to choose unity when the world tries to pull us apart. We’re doing life together by choice. Some days it’s hard. Other days it’s a joy. And without God as our center, I don’t think our relationship would be nearly as strong as it is.

Hi Lisa, your post resonated with me. So true, it is the everyday stress of life that makes marriage challenging and beautiful. I like the image of bricks coming down with each kind gesture. Loved the note idea in the lunch bag, may have to borrow that. 🙂
Have a blessed Thanksgiving with family and friends.
p.s. Kinda loved the pic of you with Gerard Butler. Have you seen “Dear Frankie”? (you’ll need tissues).

Marriage wasn’t something I’d thought I’d be giving advice on, but though I’ve yet to walk down the aisle, I’ve learned a thing or two. God has to be in the center of it and love is a choice, it’s better than arguing, or being alone, and after all God designed it and that’s what He is…Love.

So beautiful! And so true! I’m a newly-wed, and I had the same assumptions. When people ask me ‘how’s married life?’ I always reply–it’s comfortable. Not the whirlwind that I expected it to be! Your story is so encouraging. Thank you for being open and honest!

Lisa,
Loved this commentary on marriage! I wish all young couples could read this and watch the movie Fire proof!!
After the fluttery gaga eyes of dating life steps in and gets messy! It takes grits and gumption willpower and God at the center of it all to make a lasting marriage. We’ve been through the death of a parent-mine, aging parent moving to assisted living and having multiple medical issues, etc. Our aging parents can drive us crazy, but we stick together through it all! The two of you have to want to stay together for the long haul!
Blessings 🙂

Thanks for this wonderful post! I really needed it – such a good reminder of what real life & marriage really is. My husband and I also have a child with disabilities which has caused added challenges to marriage & family. God has helped us overcome!

I love this lisa – so wise (for being so young!) (: Yes, and it takes so much darn humility for me to be the “first one!” to reach out and be vulnerable and offer grace/kindness instead of allowing another brick to make itself at home in our home. love you (and Steve!) sue PS always know you’re invited for Christmas Eve – soup and bread.

Yes, Lisa, twenty-five years in, and I see the truth that our marriage grows — or flounders — in the days of mundane. Trusting for grace to see the little irritations through eyes of love, and from an overflow of mercy received from Christ.

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