Friday, February 17, 2012

Damn the corporations

Thank you to all of you that are clicking on the ads. Damn Chase bank and all others that charge for me lending them my money. We supply them and they take our money with no return. Maybe I should just keep it all in my sock drawer.

So, please, keep clicking. I get charged $12 a month all because my boss doesn’t do direct deposit.

Very sweet present from Fisher for Valentine’s day- two bamboo plants that form a heart. Perfect. Now to not kill it.

Talked through with my therapist about all the panics attacks I’ve been having. I can’t let my boss’s emotional problem be mine. In time she will make a decision to help herself. Right now she is making her choice, just like I chose to stay with the ex after I found out he cheated on me. There was a benefit to staying and I stayed. The benefit was not personal health, but there were benefits.

Getting out of an abusive relationship should be easier. But that decision to leave has to come from within. Inspired by the strength or support of others, we must make decision.

Just like Fisher and smoking. I want him to stop smoking, but he won’t until he decides that he needs to stop. He was sounding positive when I was down there at the new year. I hope he’s still doing well even under the stress of his job.

So, I will be moving back to College Town to be with Fisher. We need to be together to decide where we (together) head next.

Also working on honoring my past, but not living in it. I miss my grandmother a great deal. It kills me that I won’t see her again. My mom’s mom was one the most real people I’ve ever met. Made it through the depression, raised six kids and left an abusive husband. Read books like they were the air she needed to breathe. Funny, but grounded in German up bringing. Frugal, but incredibly generous to others.

I miss her unconditional love. Born again, but accepting of alternate life-styles and me and my sisters living in sin.

She was strong and brave and survived so many hard times. Not materialistic, but she would pick up trinkets and candy dishes at antique stores to give to us. I look forward to getting my belongings out of storage so that I’m surrounded by physical things that remind me of her.

So many fragmented sentences. I am not a writer. A dabbler that enjoys the process of writing and sharing it with others. To have the opportunity to show myself as an individual.