So Your Best Friend Stole Your Other Best Friend, Huh?

When you have an awesome best friend, it’s only natural that you’d want to have them get to know your other friends. But introducing people from different circles comes with the chance that one of your friends will poach the other.

You know what we’re talking about: You introduce two of your buds and they like each other so much that they become each other's best friend. While that’s cool to a certain extent, it can get annoying when they start doing things together and don’t invite you.

“The situation is uncomfortable,” says licensed clinical psychologist Suzana E. Flores, Psy.D., author of Facehooked: How Facebook Affects Our Emotions, Relationships, and Lives. “It almost feels like your friend is having an affair because a third person has entered the relationship, and then they end up excluding you from the friendship.” And, just like when someone cheats in a romantic relationship, you can end up feeling angry, sad, and rejected.

A lot of it is due to FOMO, says relationship psychologist Karin Anderson Abrell, Ph.D. “Women are socialized to be focused on relationships and friendships,” she explains. “If we see someone swooping in, we think, ‘That’s my friend, and I don’t want to be left out and demoted.’”

Unfortunately, experts agree that there’s not a lot you can do to prevent friendship poaching, other than keeping two friends you know would hit it off far away from each other. “But that can feel very seventh grade,” Anderson points out.

And, once two friends meet and hit it off, trying to stop an evolving new friendship can just make you look bad. “The more someone tries to stop a friendship, the more they will be perceived as ‘the bad guy,’” Flores says. It can also make you look needy or clingy if you try to sabotage their efforts to get to know each other, Anderson says.

That said, you can change your mindset about friendship poaching. Flores points out that it's not done intentionally and it’s only natural that two people you think are great would hit it off. Anderson agrees. “Try not to take it personally,” she says.

If you feel left out and that feeling continues, Flores says there’s no reason you can’t discuss it with one or both of your friends. Even a simple “I haven’t seen you as much lately—I miss you!” can go a long way.

And, of course, the three of you can be a tight-knit group, too, so get in the habit of making plans and inviting both of them, Anderson says.

If all else fails, keep this in mind: You can have other friendships that they’re not a part of. “Don’t spend a lot of energy getting bitter and frustrated when something doesn’t play out the way you’d hoped,” Anderson says.