On tonight’s show...Which TWO wrestlers find
themselves at the end of slaps tonight? Which wrestler
FINALLY gets a World Title shot? And why are WCW so damn
afraid that we’re gonna forget Hulk Hogan?Get
the answers to all these questions and MORE WCW
tomfoolery in this week’s episode of…

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: June 3rd, 1996

Location: Somewhere over the rainbow

Hey folks and welcome to another rootin’,
tootin’ good time with me and WCW!...HEY! GET BACK HERE!
Tonight we have Tony Schiavone looking like he belongs
in an 80’s pop band and a Tag Team Title Main Event as
Sting & Lex Luger defends against The Steiner Brothers
on the heels of last week’s meltdown in the match
between Sting and Scott Steiner. Arn Anderson & Ric
Flair will face The Rock ‘n’ Roll Express, with rumours
circulating that Bobby Heenan will be in the Horsemen’s
corner at The Great American Bash. We get footage of The
Dungeon of Doom raping The Shark’s dignity and shaving
half his head last week as we go to the ramp where
“Mean” Gene calls out The Shark for an interview. Shark
promptly tells them to cut the music as Gene says that
last week’s haircutting made him sick to his
stomach...good thing he doesn’t really need that much of
a haircut himself anymore, I’d imagine throwing up on
your barber would be frowned upon by some people. Big
Bubba apparently has kept The Shark’s hair as he
gleefully throws it around the ring, I would imagine
that he’s the one guy in the strip club that everyone
avoids when he’s letting it rain on them bitches. The
Shark says there’s a reason he’s not shaving the other
half of his head...he’s got a job as a before and after
model for Rogaine? No, sadly it’s just so he can relive
the embarrassment of his neighbours laughing at him when
he gets his mail...wait, what!?...he says that he’s not
a Shark or an Avalanche, but instead a man! The twists
and turns of WCW continue! He says his name is John
Tenta and he’s gonna beat Big Bubba and shave The
Giant’s head...aim high buddy (no pun intended...okay
pun definitely intended).

Big Bubba w/ Jimmy Hart Vs
John Tenta

Tenta really lays it into Big Bubba from the
get go, and let me tell you, it’s definitely not the
very definition of fast paced action. Big Bubba slides
to the outside to regroup after Tenta charges him with a
pair of scissors, falls and stabs himself with them...or
at least he would’ve if this had been the world’s most
awesome PSA (kids, don’t run with scissors while
fighting in front of thousands of people). Big Bubba
doesn’t dare to re-enter the ring and eventually gets
counted out.

WINNER: John Tenta by Count Out

What a way to start the show! Schiavone
thankfully re-assures us that there’s plenty more left
on the show. To be honest, the segment wasn’t that
bad...sure no one gives a rat’s ass about John Tenta or
Big Bubba, but it was short and despite how incredibly
insignificant a Pay-Per-View match it would be...at
least it would be build (see how low I’m already willing
to compromise on PPV quality?

Yeah, another match containing no one that
anyone cares about. So the announcers resort to talking
about The Great American Bash, which is actually only
two weeks away now...how time flies. They talk about
Luger and The Giant facing each other with Zbysko
actually calling Luger “a very intelligent man”...this
shit writes itself (DISCLAIMER!...no it doesn’t). This
is apparently the debut of High Voltage, and I sorta
have a sneaking suspicion that they’ll be on job duty
for quite a while...like say, their entire career, cause
god they are vanilla as hell. Faces of Fear takes my
theory to heart as they isolate Robbie Rage and beats
him up as we learn that The Giant will defend his title
against Ice Train later tonight...have WCW never heard
of a freaking non-title match!? Back to the match in the
ring where The Barbarian hits a huge Top Rope
Belly-to-Belly Suplex and him and Meng follows it up
with a Stereo Flying Headbutt. Kaos tries to intervene,
but he gets tossed out of the ring and Meng hits a Mafia
Kick for the 3 count...shocker...

WINNERS: Faces of Fear

The crowd is surprisingly into this show
compared to what they’ve got so far. We cut to the
locker room where Okerlund is standing by with Luger &
Sting. Gene lets Luger talk about what happened last
week and he says that he hopes cooler heads will prevail
tonight. Sting says that the Steiner will argue that
Luger started it all when Scott went to Suplex Sting on
the floor and Luger kicked him in the gut...which I’m
pretty sure never happened, but you know...he did pull
Sting down from that predicament. Luger asks Sting that
if the Steiners are such good friends, why Scott would
try to Suplex Sting on the floor in the first place.
Before Sting can answer, out (in?) comes the Steiners.
Rick asks Lex why he had to kick Scott in the gut and
claims it was a cheap shot, but Sting actually says that
if it had been Luger about to get Suplexed in that
situation, he would’ve done the same. It all
deteriorates into a shouting and shoving match as Gene
gets all pissy as per usual, saying that he will never
interview anyone of them ever again...chill out dude.

Disco Inferno Vs Sgt. Craig
Pittman w/ Teddy Long

Watching the
WCW fans during a Disco Inferno entrance is to see a
collection of the whitest people alive doing the
absolute worst dancing in the world, this being my
absolute favourite this week. We’re 3 for 3 in “I DON’T
CARE!!” matches so far this week...stellar booking guys.

Disco starts off the match by showing just
how inept he is as he fails to hit an Arm Drag, allowing
Pittman to hit one of his own. Disco does manage to out
think Pittman for a second (not that it’s hard, but
still) and hits a hard right hand, but he decides to
follow it up by disco dancing in front of Teddy Long
(...that’s a very strange sentence) and Pittman drives
him down with a Gutwrench Powerbomb. Disco crawls into
the corner to escape his opponent, but Teddy Long
affectionately (or so it appears) ruffles up his hair,
Disco hurts his hand trying to punch Pittman again (dear
god) and Pittman hits a Battering Ram (Charging
Headbutt) and goes for the Code Red but Disco gives up
before he can lock it in...dear god...

WINNER: Sgt. Craig Pittman

We see footage
of what appears to be WCW Saturday Night where Steven
Regal back hand, bitch slapped Sting, REPLAY IT MAESTRO!“Lord” Steven Regal w/ Jeeves
Vs “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan

Well with two weeks to go until The Great
American Bash, they’re sorta busy if they want Steven
Regal to be a somewhat credible opponent for Sting, so
of course they need him to go up against Duggan...of
course...Regal’s mannerisms are awesome by the way,
Duggan’s are just retarded. Duggan dominates from the
get go and Regal begs him off...just like any worthy
opponent of Sting would do I suppose. Regal shortly
gains the upper hand only for Duggan to look like
getting the victory after a Three Point Stance
Clothesline. The Blue Bloods however comes out and
distracts Duggan long enough for Regal to sneak a Roll
Up for the win.

WINNER: “Lord” Steven Regal

Not exactly a good way to show that Regal is
the real deal, but okay...hopefully they can rectify
that next week (although odds are probably not). “Mean”
Gene stands by with Regal, Taylor & Eaton and talks
about Regal getting fined for slapping Sting and Regal
says that he paid double just to get people to listen to
him. Regal cuts a pretty good promo where he talks about
wanting Sting at his angriest and his best so he has no
excuse when he beats him. Next we get a video package
that tells the story behind the Falls Count Anywhere
Match at The Great American Bash between Kevin Sullivan
& Chris Benoit which isn’t bad, but seriously, outside
Slamboree everything happened at WCW Saturday
Night...well at least they had the decency to mention it
on Nitro this time around...baby steps forward I guess.

“Taskmaster” Kevin Sullivan w/
Jimmy Hart Vs Prince Iaukea

SPLAT!

WINNER: “Taskmaster” Kevin Sullivan

God I hate the Double Stomp, I don’t care
how much it REALLY hurts, it looks like shit (yes, I’m
also looking at you Low-Ki). At least have the decency
to Curb Stomp a guy instead.

Okerlund is standing by with Hart & Sullivan
as they talk about the Pay-Per-View. Hart pleads to
Sullivan as he tells him that with the World Title in
the Dungeon of Doom, they have everything going for them
(that’s a first) and that they shouldn’t have to mingle
with Arn & Flair. Sullivan rambles for what seems like
forever about Hulkamania not being dead and Benoit being
a snake just like Pillman, Sullivan wants to get rid of
Benoit to get rid of Hogan...errm...okay? I suppose if
you...no...I can’t do that math, I think you need a
Ph.D. or something.

The Rock ‘n’ Roll Express comes out to
practically no reaction and the announcers for some
reason disappear which detracts incredibly much. Flair &
Arn comes out in football jerseys with Greene &
McMichael on the back, giving the appearance of having
staggered out drunk in their underwear on an NFL Sunday.
The Express looks good for two incredibly old looking
dudes for a big part of the opening of the match even
managing to lock in stereo Figure-4 Leg Locks. They
continue to dominate until Arn manages to pull Flair out
of the way from a Morton charge to the corner making the
guy with the glorious mullet collide with the
turnbuckle. Arn tags in and takes control by isolating
the arm as Bischoff speculates about Heenan managing Arn
& Flair at GAB, but The Brain refuses to confirm or
deny. Bischoff also mentions that Randy Savage has been
suspended and won’t be able to wrestle in WCW in the
near future...whatever the hell that means. This match
is boring as hell by the way, as Morton pretty much gets
his ass kicked again, and again, and again. Gibson does
eventually nail Arn and allowing Morton to get the tag
as Bobby Heenan suddenly makes his way to the ring and
whispers something to the girls before leaving
again...o...kaay? Gibson cleans house and The Express
hits Double Dropkicks on both opponents before Woman
rakes Gibson’s eyes and Arn hits him with a DDT allowing
Flair to pin him.

WINNERS: Ric Flair & Arn Anderson

Bischoff apparently is convinced that Heenan
used his managerial abilities to get Woman to rake
Gibson’s eyes...stellar job Heenan, it’s not like she
has done shit like that without your help
for...errm...FOREVER! Okerlund is standing by with
Flair, Arn, Heenan and the girls who are all drinking
champagne by the VIP table. Gene starts off by giving
the long awaited disclaimer that he’s not sure he can
clear anything up before asking what the deal was with
the jerseys and Arn responds that he’s too big to wear
it...strange thing to brag about, being too fat to wear
a football jersey, but okay...Gene then asks where the
hell Flair got a Kevin Greene jersey from? Apparently
they got the jerseys from Debra McMichael, and not just
from any respectable US sports outlet. Gene asks Heenan
if he’s gonna manage The Horsemen at The Great American
Bash, Heenan says that he promised himself that he would
never manage again and he wants to keep that promise so
he apparently turns Flair & Arn down before leaving,
buuuut he makes a u-turn and says that at the Bash he
will COACH Flair & Arn.

After a commercial break, Bischoff talks to
Heenan about his decision as Heenan explains that he’s
doing it to prove that you can’t just cross over from
the NFL and expect to win instantly...I mean apart from
Goldberg...we get another Hulk Hogan promo video because
lord knows we need our Hulkamania fix.

We learn that Fire & Ice will face the
Steiner Brothers at the Pay-Per-View due to the draw
between them a few weeks back. Jimmy Hart pulls the leg
of Ice Train to distract him and allows The Giant to hit
him with a Chokeslam for the win.

WINNER: The Giant

Well, that was pointless. Scott Norton comes
out to yell at The Giant, but as he turns around to tend
to his partner he gets Chokeslammed twice. The Giant
asks “Mean” Gene the very valid question about why the
hell we have to watch video packages of Hogan. He says
that since he’s the champion, they should show videos of
him instead. He tells Luger that he wants to destroy
Luger more than anyone else because he almost came
between him and Jimmy Hart...is it just me or is the
World Title feud actually starting to make sense.
Bischoff says that Scott Norton was supposed to face
Hugh Morrus next, but as we return from a commercial
break Norton is still prone on the mat. That doesn’t
stop Hugh Morrus for coming out to start the “match”
though.

Scott Norton Vs Hugh Morrus

Morrus hits a Leg Drop and covers with one
finger but pulls off after a 2 count. Morrus then
repeatedly hits Elbow Drops while screaming for him to
get up. Morrus climbs the turnbuckle to go for the No
Laughing Matter, but Norton gets up and somewhat catches
him before pummelling him a few times and covering for
the pin...Hugh Morrus sucks!

WINNER: Scott Norton

I know that it was supposed to show how
tough Norton is, but that just showed how big a bitch
Hugh Morrus is after getting pinned from being punched
in the face a couple of times...COME ON!

We get a training video of Kevin Greene and
Steve McMichael, who for some reason carries a football
around while training in the ring. They go over their
game strategy and treat the whole thing as a football
match before agreeing that they need someone to coach
them. They then agree on trying to get Macho Man as
their manager since he’s only barred from wrestling
before we cut away to the main event.

Just as the match starts, Bischoff gets a
phone call from Macho Man who says that he’s agreed to
coach Mongo & Greene and despite Heenan’s pleading him
to stay away, it’s to no avail. This is of course while
the match is going on so I must admit I didn’t really
pay attention, but as we return from a commercial break,
Rick Steiner is dominating Luger. Rick almost gets a 3
count after a Top Rope Bulldog but Sting gets the save,
and the referee escorts an irate Scott Steiner out of
the ring while Luger tags Sting in. Surprisingly enough
the referee allows it, resulting in Sting taking control
with a Stinger Splash and locking in a Scorpion
Deathlock, but Scott hits him with a Clothesline and
gets the tag and almost gets the win off a Top Rope
Frankensteiner but Luger saves. Scott goes for a
Vertical Suplex but Sting counters it into an Inverted
DDT (I refuse to call it a Scorpion Death Drop until it
gets match winning capabilities). Sting gets the tag and
Luger hits a Powerslam and applies the Torture Rack on
Scott, but Rick kicks Luger in the gut to break the
hold. The match at this point deteriorates into a brawl
and as Sting & Rick Steiner fights on the outside, The
Giant comes down a Chokeslams Rick before pulling down
the top rope to make Scott tumble out of the ring and
draw a DQ.

WINNERS: The Steiner Brothers by DQ

Luger immediately jumps The Giant and
peppers him with punches. The Giant tries to fight back
but Sting and Scott Steiner assists Luger fighting back
and Luger manages to finally Clothesline The Giant over
the top rope. We cut to the announcing booth where
Heenan continues to plead with the Macho Man through the
camera not to come to ringside at the Pay-Per-View.
Suddenly, Scott Hall makes his way out to talk to
Bischoff again. He says that he liked it so much last
week that he came back for more, he reiterates that
Bischoff started it and that he’s got a war now. Sting
comes out and says that Hall said some nasty things last
week and that he wants to fight him right here and right
now. Hall says that if he wants a fight he’s got one,
but he refuses to fight him now. Hall flicks his
toothpick at Sting who responds with a slap (REPLAAAAY!
) before
they get separated by security. Hall says that he’s got
a “big” surprise for Sting and Bischoff next week before
we fade to black.

WCW – Aaaah, Good Times:The way they’ve build the invasion angle
continues to be awesome, with a nice hint about a
surprise for next week that keeps the interest. The
world title feud is also getting a nice build. I don’t
really care about Arn & Flair Vs Greene & Mongo, but
with the inclusion of Heenan & Savage to the match, it
has a little more interest.

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY
THINKING!!!:The wrestling was, to be blunt, piss poor
tonight. Outside the main event that had some decent
wrestling but was way too short, everything was boring
and short and pointless.

Well that’s all from me folks, remember to
read everything on the site, it’s good and yummy! Until
next time, I’m Esben Evans and don’t do anything I
wouldn’t do.

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).