World governments
to develop new athletic sneakersBy
Cozmic
Since the ”super-suit” for swimming is going to be forbidden in competing
next year, leaving most swimmers to once again actually get wet, the world's
governments have tunred to new sports where they can get some sort of supreme
advantage through the evolution of something simple. Obviously everyone
knows that all the real power in sports on land eventually comes down to
the lowest common denominator for every event, the feet. Too suspicious
of companies that will try and sell shoes to other countries for profit
and to pay wages, the world's governments have decided to put their top
scientists in the field of sneakerology to the test and task of creating
shoes beyond people's wildest imaginings. Talks are already of shoes that
will break the speed of sound, and the US claims to have accomplished this
already, but other nations claim that putting a shoe on an F-22 does not
count.
Japan has enlisted the aid of classic video-game charactre Sonic the Hedgehog,
in an attempt to find out just how he runs so fast, and what was in those
shoes that made him run even faster. Of course, Sonic has barely been any
help at all, since the blue hedgehog has been busy grinding up rings into
dust so he can snort them off a boy he adopted and named Ring. Of course,
the Japanese people, much like the rest of the world, can barely remember
the time Sonic actually moved at supersonic speeds, and now the formerly
glorious Sega mascot is so lazy he even needs a car to get around.
Meanwhile Mexico has enlisted the help of Speedy Gonzalez, who pointed out
he prefers to run barefoot, although a dampening shoe that kept him from
breaking every bone in his feet would actually be sort of nice. Mexico then
proceeded to yell at him and let him be chased by a cat for five violent
minutes.
Jamaica would have the best guy to actually help design a shoe, but Jamaica
is severely lacking in the shoe-dsigning department, although not in the
fast-running-people department, for which Usain Bolt would feel a great
degree of frustration, except he is currently involved in a bidding war
between Nike, Adidas and Reebok, and simultaneously trying to convince the
United States that you cannot buy a persons nationality with millions of
dollars, but perhaps billions will work.
Of course, not everything is wacky when it comes to designing new footwear,
as a matter of fact, most of it is excruciatingly boring and consists entirely
of people stanidng around trying to figure out whether a water-repelling
shoe makes people run faster, and the realization that the things break
as soon as you try and put one on, much like the super-suits for swimming.However,
whether these new shoes will ever actually make a person set new world records
or simply make their feet smell less is a matter for the future, and chronometers,
not to mention Jamaican men with extremely long legs and names that remind
you of lightning.