A blog on Delhi, and all things Indian. If you like something, leave a comment! - Deepa

Sunday, April 20, 2008

The choices women make - an Indian viewpoint

When my sis and I were growing up, the kitchen clearly seemed to be the arch-enemy of self-respecting women.

Around me, there appeared to be only two types of women: nondescript mousy housewives who did nothing but cook, and gloriously glamorous ones who went to that exciting place called "office".

Housewives. Sweaty slaves of the kitchen fires! They woke up at unearthly hours, muttered ancient prayers, and produced breakfasts, lunches and dinners in endless succession. They wore faded cotton sarees, their blouses damp with sweat. They chased and scolded and cajoled children. "Home makers" they might be - but when their husbands summoned them by name...Kamalaaaaaaa...they dropped everything else, and jumped to attention. Perhaps it was time for the next round of coffee. Perhaps there was a visitor who needed to be fed. Whatever. Clearly once the household woke up, the housewife's time was not her own.

But the women who worked - ah. They seemed to live in a separate world. Their sarees were crisp, pinned neatly at the shoulder with little golden pins. Their blouses actually matched the colour of the saree. They powdered their faces. Their bindis were neat stick-ons, not streaky sindoor that ran when you sweated. One of my earliest memories is of visiting an aunt who worked in a bank. How wonderful the bank was! Several women sat at desks, with important looking files around them. The fans whirled high above their heads; everything was cool and pleasant. Outside, customers sat on wooden seats, patiently waiting their turn. Inside, competent looking women counted money, totalled cheques and wrote in ledgers. Tringgg! The ringing of a bell would summon a peon. "Give Rekha madam this file", he would be told in an authoritative voice. Surely this was the good life! So much better than the kitchen!

There were other examples. At school, the Teachers Room was filled with all-powerful women. Since my mother was a teacher, I was witness to their camaraderie. I saw women sharing jokes, laughing over school politics, and debating what the annual day program should showcase. How much more interesting than housewifely discussions of rasam and sambaar at the local temple!

Clearly, those who wanted to be anything at all, had to forsake the kitchen. They had to study. They had to go to college, and make a place for themselves in the world of career women. My mum dreamt this dream for us, and kept us out of the kitchen. While other girls my age were chopping vegetables and learning to tell tuar dal from lal moong, I grew up with my head buried in books. I drew and painted and played marbles and flew kites. I got my MBA. I travelled. I earned money. But somewhere along the way, I also learnt to cook.

It was motherhood, of course, that forced me to learn. Starting from simple "koozhu" and boiled vegetables, I graduated to complex delicacies. I had a child who loved good food. At the age of 10 she could tell one subtle flavour from another. As my skills grew, so did my desire to entertain. All of a sudden, visits by family members became opportunities for me to experiment with food. I discovered and was totally trapped in the atavistic pleasures of feeding an appreciative audience. In the process, I came to understand that those glamorous working women of my childhood - the ones with the crisp sarees - woke up at unearthly hours too. They too cajoled their children, they too pandered to demanding husbands and in-laws. But their kitchens were not always hateful prisons to them. While their worklife provided them with independence and confidence, cooking and feeding people gave them deep satisfaction too.

Today my kitchen is home to several recipe books. My spice box is rich and inviting, and tempts me often to create new dishes. When I travel abroad on my consulting assignments, I raid speciality stores for delicacies. I've launched bazaar walks and cuisine tours in Mumbai and Delhi. Great-aunts and old female relatives have become a source of inspiration, and mum and I have conversations around food. Cooking has become a truly creative, rewarding part of my life.

Life is funny, I tell you. Ten years ago, I would have laughed at the very thought of cooking. Today, I'm watching Kylie Kwong's magic cooking on TV with my daughter. And we're both fascinated by it.

Women who balance everything add pressure not only on themselves, but also on other women around them, who now think the "right" thing to do is be responsible for everything.

I'd hate to be a role model for other women. The last thing I want is some mom-in-law to tell her d-i-l "Look at that Deepa. See how well she does everything!" This is the sort of praise that breaks women's backs.

Very well written..It is indeed sad that men are yet to step into the kitchen and take equal part in running the house. Feminism has always been looked at as one where a woman takes on roles typically performed by men. And women who supposedly "balance" (read slog throughout the day) work and home are shown as model women..the symbol of a freedom...True Feminism is one where man takes on roles typically done by women (i.e running the house)...

I read your lovely post on cooking. You sound like one of my friends!!! Since you know a lot about delhi bazaars now, pl guide me- where in delhi ncr can i find rocket/roquette/arugula salad leaves to make a salad? My local noida "english sabzi" stocking store does not know about rocket.vaishali

It's very different when you do something by choice instead of because it is an obligation. And you have discovered that cooking can be a form of artistry and expression, instead of a chore - good for you!

I just read this (directed from another blog), and I have to say that it is beautiful how you worded it. I'm Mexican, but for us life too revolves around cooking, so I pretty much made the same choices you did... and I so enjoy cooking now, but I think the main reason I enjoy it (it may be your case too) is that it was OUR decision... we weren't forced to learn, we just chose to :) (After reading the comments, I guess this is a general sentiment) :)

Very well written Deeps (as usual). And so completely true ... I echo your feelings. Life is funny and I have sen many of my so called "value systems" / "beliefs" completely change in the last 10 - 15 years.

Hi Deepa! Good to know a bit about the other side of you. I too, share the same love for cooking and can relate to that! Like you, I like to pick up spices and seasonings from my travels and experiment with recipies from cuisines (Chinese, Thai, Mexican, Italian, Mediteranian...a long never ending list). I am always looking forward to social events and trying something new.

Really enjoyed reading this post. I also divided women into the homemakers and the office goers. Judgemental huh? Cooking can be fun but isn't always - specially when it's routine. I find I have to keep reinventing myself - the old thumbed and splashed recipe books no longer excite me, it's the internet with it's tons of new recipes that inspire me. We must cook because we want to, not because it's expected of us.

I enjoyed reading your post which reflects that each woman can make her choice and that there isn't a common recommendation for each woman. It is a question of education, comprehension and realizing that in each one of us there is also a potential for being a wife, a mother, a homecarer, a teacher and many other tasks to be done - with one word a multitasker.