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Tuesday, July 31, 2018

You Again? #Depression

Depression is such an interesting phenomenon, isn't it?

It has so many variables from person to person. There's not just one type, is there? No. There's literally hundreds that manifests in so many different ways within it's hosts. Some stays are for days, some are for weeks, months, or even decades. Some drag it's host to the ground and keep them there for long periods at a time, others are able to walk around, but with a feeling of a heavy burden weighing them down with each laborious step.

I do write a lot about depression. I suffer from my own type. I speak from my own experience from my own struggle with illness, because this is how I cope. Maybe your experience won't match mine at all. That's okay. With the unique way my brain is wired neurologically I have come to expect it likely won't. I'll write about it anyway, and possibly someone might see bits of themselves within these words and at least know they're not the only one experiencing them.

I guess maybe that was my way of discouraging negative comments from people who want to let me know that I don't know what real depression is, or whatever. I can only know what it is for me, and I certainly have been diagnosed with it a lot of times. Dysthymic Disorder, as a matter of fact, or I think it's called Persistent Depressive Disorder in the new DSM V. Sometimes, it turns into very, very bad deep depression, but that is rare. Most of the time it is vanilla, sad just kind of melancholy depression.

I am on a really good med that helps, so I don't have to live my life in dull lifeless dysthmia, but sometimes it comes through anyway. Some days I can feel heavier than others pulling me to the floor as I try to go about my day as usual. If you're someone that struggles with daily sadness, or what you identify as flat out depression I really do encourage you to seek out treatment from your doctor, at the least. If you need to see someone outside of your family doctor, then so be it, but at the least bring it up with whatever doctor you're comfortable with, so you can move forward in treating your depression and getting life back, because the difference is so night and day. Night. And. Day.

Anyway..... I think I got off track somewhere....I do take effective meds. They do help, but I am still going to have days. I can depression creeping around the corner when it sends thoughts through my head about what kind of person I am. Like, maybe I am not a good person? Who said I was? Did anyone? Example? (mind has crickets) No example anywhere. Huh. Maybe I am not a good person. Maybe I'm not a good mom, or friend, or wife? Maybe my existence is just a long painful vacuum of nothingness and I inflict nothing but negativity on those around me? What if I am just a failure?

Those thoughts and more like it will creep in one by one until I am demolished in character if I don't find a way to distract my mind. I know better than to waste my energy in fighting it. My brain does what it does. It's not some kind of personal failing that I have depression. I am not gonna positive think my way out of this, but I can negative think my way deeper. When people think that positive attitudes change depression I want to smack them, because that is just a new form of blaming people with mental health issues for their own illness. It's just not true. It's not my fault that my brain works this way and no one is gonna tell me different. So yoga Sally can kiss my butt with all her new age just look at the bright side and you'll be happy healing. Nope. Nope. Nope.

So, I feel it starting and where it ends no one knows. Is this going to be a three day trip, or a month long journey? I'm obviously hoping for the trip.The little melancholy tour that's going nowhere in no time. I can deal with the little inconvenience of that. Not that I have a choice either way. I don't.

If you'd like to read more about my thoughts on depression click the depression tag under the post.

1 comment:

So true - I was a yoga teacher for a long time and still practice when i can (haha) but the whole new age thing really can seem to place the blame on you for feeling depressed. It deeply offends me. I could actually go on and on about this because I've dealt with those same yoga sally types and the corporate "think positives" and so on and - ugh.

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