Who has the key …

My mom is hilarious. She is one of the funniest people I know because she rarely holds back what she’s thinking. I love her for that. Sometimes, what other people say can have such an impact on you that you don’t realize how much you value their opinion and perspective of you. I was talking to my mom about my career plans, something I rarely do. I know my mom loves me. I know she cares about me and wants the best for me. But I also know there are things about me that she doesn’t know. I know she doesn’t really know me.

I told my mom I’m thinking about getting a part time job, something I can do on weekends and at night until I quit my full time job. Something I can transition into if needed, once I do quit. She wanted to know why I was planning to quit my job and what I would do after that. I informed her of my plans to move to California, Los Angeles to be specific, to act and get into modeling. She told me I should consider moving some else, maybe Arkansas. Somewhere where the competition isn’t high. She stated that I would really shine somewhere like Arkansas where there aren’t many people like me and I could stand out. She asked how I planned to transition. I let her know that I’m working on videos and getting my social media following up so that I can grow my YouTube channel and start being paid from it. She suggested that I use my niece for the videos instead. Since she’s really the star of the family. I took it all in. I didn’t react or say anything in my defense. I just let her talk. I listened. She went on about how smart I am. How I should use my degrees and really network in healthcare because I’ve spent so much time in school for it. I listened. I couldn’t get mad. I couldn’t cry. I just listened. I realized in that moment that she had never seen me. She didn’t really know me. She has never really known me. She my mother. She gave birth to me and took care of me. But had she looked into my eyes and asked me who I am. Asked me what I like to do? Has she seen me in healthcare? Has she seen me acting or modeling? Has she seen me, at all? The conversation moved on and eventually the call ended. I wasn’t hurt I wasn’t surprised. I knew that the reason I hadn’t had this conversation with her is because she wouldn’t understand. It wasn’t her dream, her gift, her talents. They’re mine. All mine! I have to dream. I have to live. I have to be. . . And so I will. I will show myself that I am a star. That I can do whatever it is I put my heart to. I have to show myself that no matter what I see me and I know me. I have to . . .I have to because apart of me believed she was right. Apart of me starting thinking, maybe this is a sign. Maybe this is God sending me notice that I should probably stay right where I am. That the feelings I have regarding my dreams are for someone else. I wouldn’t have come this far to switch gears, to change every thing up. I thought, she’s my mother, she knows me better than I know me. She say me before I I saw me. She feed me before I feed me. Maybe she’s right. Maybe i’m chasing a dead end. I should just stick to my day job or find a way to move to Arkansas. Maybe I’m just lost right now. Maybe, I don’t know God. Maybe I don’t know me. . . But I smiled, I listened and I believed anyway. Of course part of me wanted to tell her all about her belief system and her inability to see me and believe in me. But sometimes it is just better to show people who you are instead of trying to constantly reintroduce yourself. I know she loves me, I know she wants good for me. But she isn’t me. She doesn’t have my life in her hand. She can’t see my future and I don’t fault her for that. I love her. I cherish her. But I am not her. So I will take what she said with love and take this as a lesson to close my ears to much of the feedback and criticism people give when they think they’re encouraging you. Just gotta take it and move on. . .

I used to think that your family had some special key to your heart. A key that could be used to unlock the real you no matter what it is you’re doing and going through. I realized that the same key can be used whenever you’re not ready. Whenever there is something the person with the key wants that you have. The person who has the key can come in and out whenever they please without warning or notice and sometimes without care as to how their presence effects you. I realized that sometimes you have to take the key back, not because they’re not welcomed. But because you have to know when you’re available for company. No matter who it is. When you hold the key to who you are and what you do, no one can ever change it. No one can come in and alter what is happening, because everything is filtered through you. The downfall is you don’t allow magical and unexpected things to happen. That is why you have to give that key to God. You gave it to him, not anyone else, so he will always protect you with it. He wouldn’t use it against you. He’s holds it and keeps it until he is ready to share who you are with the world. . .

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5 thoughts on “Who has the key …”

Ditto 🙂 !!! I believe the feeling is mutual! I have literally watched every youtube video. I cannot even do make-up/lashes, but I am drawn to your light and positivity. So, I have you as the first person I see on social media, because you reflect GOD. People are drawn to that, light attracts darkness. There are a lot days where I am feeling sad and I read your facebook posts, I will scroll a year back if I need to. It is hard to find women who really believe in what they speak and are truly encouraging; and not putting on a façade for social media, because it seems cool! I am not always politically/spiritually correct, and I struggle with being softer, because I am very transparent, and raw. You have developed a tribe of people behind you, so keep building your platform. Hollywood is unhappy, actresses have no peace, your light will magnify. I listened to sarah jakes-roberts, and she talked about people counting us out, and how when we come up our success will ambush our nay-sayers because they won’t see it coming. I truly believe this! I truly believe you have to step into the unknown, because not only does it test your faith, push you the limits, call you into isolation with GOD, BUT you find enlargement, expansion, and abundance on the other side of the unknown. Comfort is the only thing we gain from being safe. I am still waiting on your book, you are being watched and admired more than you realize. I am apart of the tribe that supports you! You were called for such a time as this!!! I am pretty sure Gabourey Sidibe was told she couldn’t, she was counted out, but even with the backlash that came from starring in Precious….she is successful…glowing and living in God’s grace, you are covered, called & chosen!

OMG, STOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!! You have me in tears! Noooooo! I don’t even know what to say! Thanks for sharing and being encouraging. I know sometimes it seems like I have things together, but I am just trying to figure it all out! I promise lol. && I love Sarah, she is literally one of my favorites because she is so transparent about her walk and understanding of the bible! Are you talking about ‘Empty Handed?’ That one is literally my fav! Thanks for reaching out! You were seriously heaven sent. I had been thinking and praying about if I’m on the right track and if what i’m doing adds value to other people and had to really reflect on the value it is adding to me first. Although I want to help other people, I had to really sit and think about if I am doing if for praise or if I’m doing it because it makes me happy. And I started to realize that sometimes people are most inspired by what you do, not what you say! So I’ve really set my heart on being honest with myself so that I can be honest with others. Girl most of the time my facebook posts are things i’m thinking or things I need to remind myself! So thank you sooooo much, you seriously just blessed me! You keep being you. Sometimes we try to gloss things up, but there is light in all of us. I noticed that there are so many people in need of inspiration and motivation! So the more we encourage & grow within ourselves, the more we can encourage and inspire other people!! Let me know when you do your podcast!! I’m holding you to making that happen!!!! I can see if being extremely entertaining!!!!!

This resonated with me, I frequent your blogs and website, because you literally have this beautiful light about you! You are so positive, and even if you have those days where you may not be feeling all that “good” you don’t allow it to reflect on your social media. You still speak life, that is something this world needs. Los Angeles CA needs, and all of the desires of your heart are a gift from GOD. Risk takers are faith movers, and there are a lot of beautiful women in Los Angeles, but they are not you and they do not bring what you bring to the table. I struggled with people not having the kind of faith in me that I have, but I realized this world is mine for the “taking” and this is my “playground” and that whatever it is that my heart desires I can do and become. So many people’s opinions have caused me to re-examine and second guess what it is that I truly wanted to do in life. Then I remember those desires that are good and filling are gifts from GOD. That if I didn’t do it I would never be fulfilled and maybe even regret it. Grace makes and faith takes, grace has made available all the things that are righteous and whole, but it is only through faith that we are able to complete that transaction and FULLY THRIVE in God’s grace. I have always wanted to vlog on youtube and create a podcast, but I had a fear people would not watch/listen- or it would be a dead end. Then I had to remember, I may make 20 videos/podcasts with only 1 view and that could be God’s way of seeing how much do I want it. How bad do I want what he has for me, will I still live in my purpose, speak his truth, and live out his ways even if no one is listening/watching. That is when we know your heart is in it, are you willing to do it even if all you have is your faith in GOD?! I’ve had to ask myself this, because it could very well be this way for the first year of pursuing my passion/purpose. Whatever you are passionate about is where your purpose lies. I pray that you go for it, and know that faith does not lead to failure, but prosperity!

OMG, Kourtney!!! You have me crying right now! Seriously, when I typed this and clicked ‘publish’ I was like, No one’s going to see this, but it’s how I felt and I needed to let it out. I’ve been struggling with just letting go of everything I see and have right now so that I can get EVERYTHING God has for me! It’s been crazy seeing all of my prayers being answered, but I see that there are going to be time when I’m just going to have to do it, even when God is the only one who believes me!! You’re awesome also! I see you posting and thriving and living your life! When you’re sharing positivity and wanting to also share your thoughts and opinions of the world, it so hard to stay ‘politely correct’ or even ‘spiritually correct.’ You have to do what makes YOU happy! God is always pleased with us and those who are meant to follow up and be our friends, supporters, and lovers will be here! So I thank you soooooooooo much for reading this and posting this comment. Seriously! I love you & I can’t wait to see all that you do!!