Fred & Ethel Mertz re: Carolina Football … &^#*^%$”

Fred & Ethel Mertz Re: Carolina Football… %$*&%#

Nov 18, 2018

DISCLAIMER: This column has absolutely nothing to do with “Fred & Ethel Mertz” or Vivian & Bill or Luci & Ricky. I chose “Fred & Ethel” to camouflage the identities of two very long time friends of mine. I had extended conversations with my two aforementioned “long time friends” over the past week or so on the subject of …..

I told “Ethel” I was going to call her either “Gretchen” or “Gladys. She preferred Gretchen. I’m going with “Ethel”.

“Fred” won’t know I’m writing this because he is convinced “computers are just a fad”. He just bought all his granddaughters Princess Phones for Christmas. Bless his heart. Bless BOTH Fred & Ethel’s hearts.

I chose “Fred & Ethel” because I found that cool picture up-top. And, to totally confuse any “drive by” millennials.

Both “Fred & Ethel” have been Tru-Blue Carolina Fans since Old East, Old West, and Old Well were just East, West, and The Well. Our conversations were not intended as “a column”; but I realized early on … OMG, this stuff is priceless and so here we are.

I read somewhere thats how Margaret Mitchell wrote Gone With The Wind. Or was it Harper Lee and To Kill A Mockingbird?

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WhatTha Hell Is Wrong with Carolina Football… and Will “They” (?) Ever Fix It? has NOT reached the level of National Conversation such as How does Melania walk in those stilettos? She must be a Witch!

But “over yonder” along Scenic Franklin Street, Rosemary Street and Columbia Street it has been overheard quite a bit the past 2.75 months.

After being all-but mathematically eliminated from Christmas In Shreveport before the team bus returned to Chapel Hill after that early September train wreck in Dowdy-Ficklin; most of the debate / concern has been on the fate of Larry Fedora and which Really Fat Cats would fork up the $12,000,000 buy-out.

Like Charlie on The MTA whose “…fate is still unlearned. He rides forever ‘neath the streets of Boston…”

Larry’s Fate is “still unlearned” subject to the event coming up this Saturday amid the lofty pines of Beautiful Kenan Jr Stadium.

Three things can happen Saturday in Kenan Jr … (1) The Fedorians could get whupped like a rented mule… (2) The Fedorians could lose in either a close competitive nail-biter or by a no-count cheatin’ referee’s call… or (3) The Fedorians could WIN. It won’t matter how or by how many… Just Win Larry.

#3 is the one that Larry Fedora and his small but hearty handful of supporters might wanna be prayin’ for. #1 and #2 probably won’t “do it”. Alas, the semi-rout of UNC System little sister Western Carolina did not move the needle of the Fedora’s Fate Committee..

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NOTE:Mike MacIntyre was voted National Coach of The Year in2016 as Head Coach at Colorado. Since then his Buffaloes have gone 5-7 in 2017 and 5-6 so far in 2018. Thats as far as Mike MacIntyre will go… he was fired earlier today. … comparisons to Larry Fedora’s 3-9 (2017) and 2-8 (2018) and no National Coach of The Year award don’t bode well for Larry.

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The Precipitous Decline of TeamFedora is, in many opinions, traced back to the 2nd half of the UNC v Duke game in 2016 (Trubisky year). UNC had the game well under control at the half… then totally collapsed to lose 27-28. The first of Three Straight Losses To Duke. … Five straight “L’s” (and counting) to Hated Rivals is more than “a bit much”.

That and Fedora’s failure to maintain any staff cohesiveness over his seven years at UNC.

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Lets get back to “Ethel”… She / Her Family had six season tickets “on the 40 on Row K” going back so long that Row K was considered “nose bleed section”. I believe “Ethel” was at that same game Andy Griffith talked about. Why else would she go to the Kenan Jr concession stand every game since then asking for “a Big Orange, please.”

Ethel gave up those seats several years ago when, according to her, “the little gal at The Rams Club didn’t remember my name”. She was gonna write a strong letter to “Big Ernie” Williamson until I told her “Big Ernie” had been lying in eternal repose near “Sunny Jim” Tatum for the past forty years. To her credit, she knew Jim Tatum was dead. She has hated Rocky Mountain spotted ticks ever since.

“Ethel” is/was upset that the UNC v WCU game was not “on real TV”. “But We Are The Flagship” she demanded.

Trying to explain to her how to get ESPN WATCH was a mountain I had no intention of trying to climb.

Did I mention that “Ethel” HATES UNC Basketball. Actually she HATES that “UNC is a Basketball School” at the expense of her beloved Football. “They (an undefined”they”) never spend any $$$ or attention to Football… just on Basketball.”

Of course, I noted the $32,000,000 IPF but “that doesn’t matter”. ???

I noted The Blue Zone but THAT pisses her off because “it blocks what little breeze we used to get… and those Fat Cats never sit in their seats anyway.”

She REALLY hates when:

“They” (same “they” as above) “ruin Kenan Jr halftimes by introducing other UNC team such as the damn basketball team to give them stupid rings or whatever. ‘They’ would never do that at a basketball game.”

I pointed out that “they” are always showcasing other UNC teams at halftime of basketball games… and have done so for many years, Hellfire, even “Little Dickie” did that. …. whatever.

I noted that for the past 60 years, the VAST majority of UNC’s sports glory has come from Basketball. Just as most of Alabama and Notre Dame’s have come from Football. I surmised that there are “Ethels” at Alabama and ND that resent their football teams like she resents UNC Basketball. That thought quieted her for a minute or so.

Then she let loose again on Why the UNC v WCU game was not on real TV? She was on the verge of going Full Blown Tri-Lateral / Warren Commission Conspiracy when I stunned her with…

“STOP IT, Ethel! You are sounding like the Franklin Street Stereotype of “Every State Fan”… seeing multi-layered conspiracies behind every lofty pine around Kenan Jr.” … THAT did it. Ya coulda heard a pin drop.

“Am I really THAT BAD, BobLee?”

“You’re gettin’ close, Ethel.”

“Can I ask one more question?”

“Sure” I said.

“Where is my favorite player Ryan Switzer now?”

“I think he is with The Steelers this week… or maybe The Pottstown Firebirds… or Albany Patroons. Hey, I thought “Sweet Jim” Lalanne (UNC’41) was your favorite UNC player?”

“Oh My… you had to bring him up. I have to go now. I’m having a case of the vapors.

Good night, Ethel.

Good night, BobLee. Give Blondie a hug.

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And then there’s “Fred”. “Fred” was for many years a “they” as Ethel would say. He was an individual of influence around UNC and thats as far as I’m going…

Having resided for 60+ years amid Kenan Jr’s lofty pines, “Fred’s” opinions on area rivals NC State and Duke are about as deep and dark negative as they can be. YOWSA, Maxine thinks more highly of Donald than Fred thinks of State and Duke.

He “likes Larry” but realizes the storm clouds are swirling. He thinks Larry coulda built a solid 8-9 W/year program EXCEPT FOR… those Damn State People.

During those halcyon days of The Great Unpleasantness when “Damn Dan”Kane was both Woodward AND Bernstein around UNC…

“Those Damn State Peopletold recruits all sorts of lies about what was gonna happen to UNC. They actually had a dossier of all the Dan Kane crap that they left with recruits. That just wasn’t right.”

“Recruiting is a very very dirty business where finishing 2nd is first loser” I said. “You don’t think UNC would do likewise if it was reversed?

“Absolutely not.” he said adamantly. “We’re Carolina. We don’t have to cheat to win.” … uh oh!

He and I had discussed TGU at length as it unfolded over the 8-10 years it was “above the fold”. “Fred” does NOT believe Dean Smith “was born of a virgin, and arose on the 3rd day” but pretty close.

He is certain Coach K has cloven hooves and a forked tail.

Such strong convictions make “living over yonder” a LOT less stressful, I’m told.

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As God is My Witness… the only things I “made up” in this column are “Fred & Ethel’s” names.

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WARNING: Before you’ans take too many shots at “Fred & Ethel”, I GUARAN-DAMN-TEE YOU I could find “Fred & Ethels” in Your Fan Base too… IF I had the time or inclination.

HAA!… Hopefully your “Ethel” knows Tar Heel is TWO WORDS! My local “Ethel” seems pleased with Mack Returns… so far. I have not spoken with “Fred” yet but will tomorrow. Not sure what to expect from him. His opinion might surprise me..Did that weird ending in the Hokie v Hoos game make life easier for “Bud The Guru”?

I’m flat out intrigued by CFB coaching searches. First off, yes, the rumors and such are plain old funny. Beyond maybe a half dozen folks, nobody has any clue who or when or where the next conversation is, and with whom, or how it all pans out. But for those select few, they are about to grant an eight figure bounty to someone who most likely has no connection to your school, to come be a savior with fewer than 100 kids, none of whom choose to come fight with you..Coach will come in, and give his best canned “I’m all on board, great institution, wonderful support, everything in place for success”, except the kids on the field won four games the past two years, and fan support is almost at field hockey levels. Rough, rough business. There’s a reason the coaches can negotiate these big buyouts..I read not long ago about a former head coach from Houston I think, who now owns a Chikfila, one of the few outsiders granted a franchise. His business is recruiting and motivating young kids. Now he gets to have Sundays off, lives less than 2 miles from work, and gets to coach his kids youth teams. Working life expectancy for a head coach might rival the NFL running back.

Now that Larry has gotten a large sack of money and been asked disembark from the MTA, everyone is waiting with bated breath to see in which direction the search is going. I have even heard Mack Brown’s name come up (he would need to find out who does Coach K’s hair). Larry must have been led to believe the fallout from the cheating scandal would end much faster than it did when he took the job. Whoever takes the job has his work cut out for him. I am guessing the climate the Butch era spawned makes going the Butch route unlikely. But who knows.

Fred an Ethel did indeed hate each other. Lucy and Ricky did not exactly care for Fred either. The National Inquirer told me so (and hey, they had the John Edwards story right ya know!)

As for Coach K ” has cloven hooves and a forked tail”, The man is 71 years old and still has Jet Black hair. Never seen one gray one on him. That fact + the clover hooves + forked tail = ?????. Just sayin!

I think I saw Fred and Ethel in the pregame parking lot dressed in imacculate baby blue Mr and Mrs Santa Outfits. Musta been fat cats didn’t see them in the stands during the game and I know the cameras would have spotted them if they were in the stands.

Possible… but unlikely. Such “HEY LOOK AT ME!” attire tends to be frowned upon among Blue Zoners. From my TV viewing angle I only saw “about a dozen” BZers occupying seats. That’s about as many as there were total fans at The Wally by the 4th Quarter. OUCH!

Reply to Dr. Wire and BobLee: That exchange of comments was as good and intelligent as any I’ve ever read here or many other places. The lack of intelligent back and forth is what ruins Twitter and other forums. I’m with Dr Wire 100% on his take of coach F.

Not many will agree but Clemson of this year and the past 2-3 years renders the rest of the ACC, at best, middling to low in my estimation.There is a huge gap in quality.

The 3 envelope coaching joke has stood the trst of time. 1st envelope write letter blaming the team you inherited; 2nd envelope has letter blaming your coordinators; 3rd envelope instruct next coach to fill out 3 envelopes..Fedora must be a good guy on a day in -day out basis. Usually a jerk coach can’t survive the season he had last year because the pitchforks of past indiscretions or people/media he has insulted in the past finally team up to get their pound of flesh. This is what is happening in Louisville even to Papa John; what happened to Valvano, to Gottfried, even to Doherty..Are you saying in your column about “what is wrong with Carolina football” that it is the deliriously faithful old boosters? F&E blame it on everybody else. I would debate football at unX was pushed by administration and the fan base into accepting its place as secondary to men’s basketball, maybe even women’s soccer & field hockey as a sacrifice for starting TGU and exposing men’s basketball to scrutiny..IMO, Bubba has been very loyal to Fedora because he knows Fedora sacrificed his career as ah unintended consequence of TGU. Why else would he have signed on to a big buy-out unless he knew all the circumstances?.This brings us back to the original question? How to fix it? Or Will unX accept its position of historical relavance like KY football and Indiana football?

No, definitely not blaming “the old grads” for anything except simply being typical fans who are slow to adjust / adapt to change in long-held institutions such as “college football”. I much prefer the simple naiveté of “old grads” to the boorish squawks of board monkeys..Certainly the depth of the scars of TGU were NOT anticipated by LF. Scars inflicted BY THE UNIV ADMIN … NOT by Dan Kane. Yes, I believe Bubba giving him the extension showed he realized the burdens of that cloud of scandal. All that said… it still comes down to Ws and Ls and some Ls (to hated rivals) are more critical than others. As I continue to state, LF’s staff management has IMO been a major factor in recruiting and program continuity..I have no vision of THE FUTURE of UNC FB. If it were me, I would go looking for “a Cutcliffe-type” BUT there will be pressure to go for a Flavor-of-the-Month hot shot. “Cutcliffe-types” are very rare. I certainly do not need UNC FB to be “Top Tier” in order for me to lead a happy life.

While Fred and Ethel were more well known, I would have voted for Ed and Trixie. Hint….their last name was Norton. They were a bit more “realistic and dysfunctional. Art Carney was actually a better comedian than Jackie..Les Miles ain’t available. So the search got a little tougher..I HOPE you are right and it is at LEAST one TD (or FG) favoring the PACK..Maybe Bubba can contact Condi. She IS an academian, so that would help. If she was on the Brown’s short list….that ought to be good enough for Bubba. WOW…That sure would change the Locker Room dress code and discussion subjects..I’m in the HAT’s corner. Keep him. Use that $3,000,000 for snowflake and votive candle training. UNC could probably get a good deal by hiring Brenda Snipes..I saw TWO games in Kenyan and that was enough. I was there when Impartial Jim made “the CALL”

Fred and Ethel are perfect portraits. I don’t remember many of the blue blood fans drifting too far outside their orbit. If they had a parking permit, they pretty much fit that bill. I certainly don’t remember any wanting the Blue Zone, or lining up to pay up for it.

If UNCC is opting for coaches buyouts, does that mean the business is getting tougher? If he lasts this year, does the next coach have the same runway as Fedora, or did he get a little leeway due to TGU? As paranoid as Fred seems, I can only imagine recruiting has been tough the past ten years.

Putting the whole silly “sports facility race” in perspective. The Blue Zone was simply “the VIP suites every school was doing” at the time 7-10 years ago. A few years later it was “indoor practice facilities”. 3-5 years from now the “We Must Have” will be something else… all designed to impress the all-important semi-literate 18 y/os. It will never stop..Certainly the uncertainty of TGI “hurt recruiting” for Larry for 4-5 years – no question. Whose fault was that? It wasn’t Larry fault but it was UNC’s fault for not running a tighter ship FOR 18 FREAKIN’ YEARS! “Fred” blaming State is ridiculous. You bet UNC would use ANYTHING against State in a similar situation. All schools “look for an advantage”.

Knee-slapping fun, and even a little poignant. I love NC State with a passion, but could never be an Ethyl or Fred. Big believer that we should all be “athletic supporters” rather than just fans oscillating in the wind. Helps to have a great chancellor as well :>))Excellent and most creative article in any case..(However still believe you are setting up UNC-CH for their bowl game this coming weekend, just as Louisville had last weekend and the Pirates will have the following weekend.)

So your final paragraph – “a possible conspiracy setup” – fulfills Ethel’s concern was she becoming like State fans?.IF Larry starts a “Rookie QB” against State’s 127th ranked pass defense ???… State against another Rookie QB !!!! YIKES! I’ll be in Wisconsin so its up to YOU to provide “the rest of the story”. I’m calling it State by two+ TDs… but a close first half.

To amass that much effort… and come up one point short pretty much summarizes their season. With Pitino gone (for now) is Urban Meyer America’s Most Universally Unpopular Head FB Coach? The case can be made he is.

LOVE ETHEL no matter what! She rocks my world and thank GOD for her love for football. Ohhhh the stories she tells from Row K, 40 yard line, since she was knee high to Ramses! Thanks BL! (love you too)

BobLee Recommends…IF you haven’t seen it, I strongly urge you to go back to Reader Comments on that previous column – “Loonies Prowlin….” and check out the comments between Dr Wire, Doug and I on Louisville’s Glorious Mess. Some pretty incredible insights, I must say…

That is a popular theory… but no Savior Coordinator(s) are going to get a mega or long-term deal ‘cause Larry will be standing on two banana peels next September. THIS season was the year to bring in the Savior Coordinator(s). … IMO.

HELL YEAH … I would LOVE for “Mike The Pirate” to come to UNC. Ain’t agonna happen. At some point he would have to meet Chancellor Chihuahua and that likely would not go too well. Mike might go to Maryland… or maybe even Louisville. Or he could be happy in Wherever, Washington.