There’s an old expression that goes like, “the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is today.” That has nothing to do with the San Jose Sharks, because I don’t even think they know what a tree is at this point; they’re looking for a solid “stump” to help protect their leaves.

The Sharks have announced that they’re bringing back Mike Brown, signing him to a two-year deal worth $2.4 million dollars. For Mike Brown. The Mike Brown who had a whole five points last season. The same Mike Brown who is used sparingly on the fourth line, when he isn’t hanging out in the press box on yet another healthy scratch.

Yeah, this fucking guy is making $1.15 million next season.

But that’s not all, ladies and gentlemen, the Sharks are also bringing in John Scott for $700,000 this season, which is great for Mike Brown, because he is no longer the worst player on the San Jose Sharks. No that honor now belongs to this otherfucking guy.

It’s all going to be ok though, Sharks fans, not to worry. The San Jose Sharks organization has also decided to bring on a team of ice girls to help soothe your troubles (or a “co-ed” “Ice Team” if you will). You know, the scantily-clad woman with shovels who smooth out the ice surface during game breaks and intermissions, and who lead between-period entertainment.

But wait. Maybe the Sharks are actually committed to icing a progressive, co-ed entertainment team. Let’s take a look at the proposed uniforms.

Picture includes both men and women, that’s good. A full-body shot of women are dressed in tight-fighting yoga pants and jerseys with high midriffs, showing off thin, athletic bodies. The man is dressed in a full jacket, and shown only from the waist up.

Well they only say that a picture is worth a thousand words. What about the actual words?

They do seem to be pretty detailed and prepared for the women to try out, not as much for the men. Guess we’ll have to check back, eh?

In other quick hits, the Sharks actually did something cool by signing Tye McGinn, the younger brother of former-Shark, Jamie McGinn. However, they did get Tye from the Flyers, which means he’s probably either an insufferable douchebag or a dumb ass.

I don’t know what the rest of the offseason will bring, but I just hope it will end soon. I can’t take much more.