March Madness, Vatican-style

I have paid little attention to the race for the papacy in Rome and am only vaguely acquainted with the names of the American hopefuls. It’s been suggested that, since the majority of Catholics today live in Latin America, the next pope should be from there. That sounds logical to me and might let in a welcome breath of fresh air. However, I’d be surprised to see a non-European selected to head this particular good ol’ boys club.

This clever Sweet Sistine chart of favorites comes from the Religion News Service, where you can make your picks and see who’s leading in which brackets. At the moment (10:50 am MST), Gianfranco Ravasi of Italy is leading his bracket and the field with 9525 votes.

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What heresy! Honestly, everyone knows that this is no sporting contest, nor even a political election! Look, here’s how it works:

The Holy Ghost descends on the red-capped and be-skirted conclave through God’s finger painted on the Sistine ceiling and locks them in a Vulcan mind-meld which, after playing with their minds for a while, compels a unanimous vote for a single Cardinal. The newly-annointed one, while displaying appropriate self-deprecating good humor, is then transformed and re-named through a permanent ESP link with the Almighty.

His fellow club members stoke a white-smoke fire while he dons his white dress and Versachi red shoes. He is then lifted onto an ornate gilded chair carried by slaves, er, I mean servants, and presented to the adoring crowd who, fearing the fires of eternal torment if they don’t, compete to kiss his ring and ask forgiveness for sins past and future.

Finally, while reciting his vow of poverty under his breath the new Pope moves into the grand Papal suite at St. Peters surrounded by his extensive staff of servants, retinue of Swiss guards, and the world’s greatest art collection.

AREA WEBCAMS

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pi, pied, pieing:(Printing) To put or spill into a mixed and disordered condition, as type; to mix and disarrange the type of; as, to pi a font or form. Metaphorically, to pi content, as in a blog with no particular focus or topic.