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Yankees’ Cutoff Man in the Booth

In which the Yankees radio personality Suzyn Waldman again finds herself trapped in a Fenway Park broadcasting booth with the announcer John Sterling, Broadway musical fan and proud creator of distinctive home run calls.

SUZYN WALDMAN And today’s salute to America was brought to you by Goldman Sachs, the world’s leading financial services firm. Goldman Sachs: Is this a great country or what?

And now, the voice of the New York Yankees, here’s Jawn Sterling.

JOHN STERLING Thank you, Suzyn. And tonight’s first thank you is brought to you by Spitzer for City Comptroller. Eliot Spitzer: No need to thank me!

It’s a lovely night here at Fenway Park, and leading off for the Yankees is the center fielder, Brett Gardner, hitting .272 with 7 home runs and 31 runs batted in. He has speed and power. Here’s Lackey’s first pitch and — a fastball, drilled foul down the first-base line. Boy, he hit that on the nose, Suzyn.

J.S. On the nose. And if you’re thinking of rhinoplasty, Suzyn, call the Cosmetic Surgery Center of New Jersey, Route 17, Paramus, right next to Dick’s Sporting Goods. Remember: The Cosmetic Surgery Center of New Jersey knows noses.

J.S. Thuuuh pitch. And Gardner hits a fly ball deep to right-center field, Victorino back, back — home run! A Yardy! For Gardy!

S.W. Brett certainly got all of tha —

J.S. A Yardy! For Gardy! And the Yankees take a 1-0 lead.

Now Robbie Cano, the second baseman, settles into the batter’s box. A .294 batting average, with 20 home runs and 59 runs batted in. Robbie’s been struggling a little at the plate, but Suzyn, I ask you: how do you predict baseball?

S.W. You can’t really, it’s —

J.S. Exactly. You can throw the numbers out the window.

S.W. What?

J.S. Thuuuh pitch. High and outside, a hanging curve that never broke. That hanging curve brought to you by the State of Texas. We don’t hang ’em anymore, but we do the next best thing. Texas.

S.W. Actually, Jawn, I think that was a changeup that —

J.S. And Cano rockets one to right field. It is high, it is far, it is — gone! Home run! Robbie Cano, doncha know! It’s a back to back! And a belly to belly!

S.W. You know, Jawn, I’ve always wondered what that phrase means.

J.S. Back to back and belly to belly, and Gonnerman’s Deli in Manhasset has your belly lox, your Novi lox, any kind of lox. If something smells fishy — it’s Gonnerman’s.

S.W. Is that really their slogan?

J.S. Here’s Mark Teixeira, the veteran first baseman. Lackey wastes no time, wanting those two home runs well behind him in this first inning.

Thuuuh pitch. A long fly ball, well hit to center field, Ellsbury back, back — another home run! Three in a row! Back to back to back and belly to belly to belly! How about that! A text message from Teixeira!