Norway will write you a song, but they really don’t want your mom

Because I was not actually born in Norway (to no fault of my own, mind you) and lack a Norwegian phone number, I could not stop the entire country from voting for returning Eurovision champion Alexander Rybak during Norway’s 2018 Grand Prix.

Let me explain for you non-Eurovisioners (so, 99.999% of you all). Eurovision is a glorious hot mess in which several Eurovision countries (and Australia because why not?) compete for a trophy that looks like an old-timey microphone and the right to host the next Eurovision, which will cost them millions of dollars and will result in about zero-net economic gain for them.

Like many other countries, Norway begins the Eurovision process with a national competition, which, for Norway, is the Grand Prix. Thus, this will be Rybak’s second Grand Prix win.

Norwegians still love Rybak. We stood beside him when he won Eurovision in 2009, when he did that weird cystic fibrosa musical, when he had approximately as many public mental breakdowns as Lindsey Lohan did in the mid 2000s in the course of about six minutes, when he did that terrible soundtrack to “How to Train your Dragon” and apparently when he gave us “That’s how you Write a Song” for the 2018 Grand Prix.

It sounds as bad as its title, well, sounds. During the March 10 performance, audience members were immediately greeted with fake air instruments (violins, pianos, drums, you name it) and Rybak sitting on-stage in half-homeless, half-junior prom attire.

The lyrics were equally terrible. He literally sang through the steps to writing a song as if he’s talking to my 3-year-old niece, who, for the record, would probably think the performance was far too childish and demand I put “Paw Patrol” back on.

Rybak will always be a national treasure, but Norway really missed its shot to be something more than whale-killers who Trump has a hard-on for.

Had we chosen someone whose song reminded us all a bit of “Stacy’s Mom,” we could have gone down in Eurovision history as one of the best troll entries the contest has ever seen.

In Norwegian, Villa confidently proclaims to his best friend that he is screwing his mom and will make said best friend a big brother again, with the song’s refrain being: “Jeg har vil moren din” – or, “I want your mom.”

The lyrics do not at all match the misleadingly bright and fun instrumentation and score.

And those who don’t know Norwegian are never let in on the joke.

Rybak had his moment to shine in 2009.

So why not let Villa tell the Eurovision universe that he wants to screw all of their moms?