Reaching out to those who have experienced “a failure in love”

Reaching out to those who have experienced “a failure in love”

The “instrumentum laboris,” or working document, for the fall Synod on the Family speaks to the various needs of the family in the modern world, including the need for pastoral care for those who, as Pope Francis puts it, “have had the misfortune of a failure in love.”

When it comes to divorce and annulments the church has the difficult task of, on the one hand, remaining faithful to the teachings of Jesus as to the permanency of marriage, while at the same time, remaining faithful to the reality of God’s mercy and love.

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The church teaches that marriage should be faithful, lifelong and permanent (Mt 19:9). Our contemporary popes have spoken frequently about the value of a stable family. Pope John Paul II said, “As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world,” and Pope Francis said, “Children have a right to a mother and a father.” But the prohibitions concerning divorce and remarriage reach beyond these modern-day figures and root themselves in Scripture.

Jesus taught that marriage was permanent. He said, “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries one who is divorced from a husband commits adultery” (Lk 16:18). The church believes, with Jesus, that the family is the basis of society, and that the breaking up of families harms children and the world.

Elsewhere in Scripture, St. Paul reiterates Jesus’ difficult teaching on divorce and remarriage when he says, “To married people I give this command (not really I, but the Lord): A wife must not leave her husband...and that the husband should not divorce his wife” (1 Cor 7:10-11). In an era in which many marriages end in divorce, this is one of the most challenging teachings of Jesus and the early church.

Still, we see how important the teaching on marriage has been from Jesus’ days of earthly ministry to our own. In the early church, there were only three sins named as mortal: murder, apostasy and adultery. Why? Because each of these sins destroyed community: murder, the human community, apostasy, the church community, and adultery, the family community. The development of the seven deadly sins came later with a theology of reconciliation or penance.

Spiritual Sacrifices

Catholics who divorce and remarry civilly but do not receive an annullment from the church are asked to make a painful sacrifice: to make a spiritual communion at Mass (as all Catholics should do) by engaging in adoration of the Blessed Sacrament during the liturgy, without receiving the Eucharist. They are asked to abstain (as all Catholics should do when they are in a state of mortal sin and have not made a Confession). One of the many problems surrounding this teaching is that many Catholics today receive Communion casually, and so someone who does not receive, tends to stand out. All people need to humbly acknowledge their sin, and prayerfully consider their own abstention.

The working document wonders if it would be possible for a divorced and remarried person to receive penance from their bishop and then Eucharist? The document asks, “If they can make a spiritual communion, why not a sacramental one?” The document also stresses that divorced and remarried persons should be welcomed and encouraged to participate in the life of the church.

Of course, these are thorny and complex moral issues about which there is ongoing debate and discussion. For example, the Catechism of the Catholic Church acknowledges that there is often an innocent party in cases of divorce. “It can happen that one of the spouses is the innocent victim of a divorce decreed by civil law; this spouse therefore has not contravened the moral law” (Canon 2386).

And the working document again and again stresses mercy saying, “Mercy is the core revelation of Jesus Christ.” The document cites Jesus’ interaction with the Samaritan Woman at the Well, for instance.

Likewise, the working document stresses the uniqueness of each situation. No one knows the details of anyone else’s private trials. As such, Christians should refrain from judging one another. As C.S. Lewis wrote, “To be a Christian is to forgive the inexcusable in others because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”

In addition, many people who marry in the Catholic Church are granted annulments because the sacrament was in some way invalid from the outset. For example: the marriage was never consummated, one or both spouses never intended to be faithful, never intended to have children, were abusive, or lied about their ability to fulfill marriages’ essential obligations. Or, one or both spouses were unable to give consent due to mental illness, immaturity or familial pressure. Annulments are freeing, as they state that the union was never a valid marriage. As such, they offer a fresh start.

The church teaches that marriage is a vocation, or calling. Only adults who have undergone a period of discernment should enter into the sacrament of marriage, and they must do so freely. No one should be pressured into marrying.

Annulments: Frustrating, but Healing

The process of obtaining an annulment can be long and frustrating, as both parties must give an exhaustive account of what happened in the relationship. These documents are sealed and completely confidential, and the former spouses do not read each other’s accounts. This protects both parties from further injury. In addition, several witnesses to the relationship are asked to give their version of events. Typically, a priest and two canon lawyers look at the forms. One lawyer argues for the validity of the marriage, the other against it. The task of the marriage tribunal is to investigate whether or not the sacrament was valid. (For one priest reflections on the annulment process, see "The Annulment Dilemma" by Msgr. Paul V. Garrity).

The process is long, in part, because the benefit of the doubt is generally given to the validity of the marriage. And many faithful Catholics have had their annulments denied. And yet, like going to Confession, the process can also be very healing. Regardless of the outcome, it can be helpful to take stock of what went wrong before moving forward. As the working document states, “In the event of the failure of a marriage everyone needs to give and receive mercy.”

One woman whose annulment took about two years to complete told me, “Going into it, it was a daunting task. The paperwork was very intense, very emotional. It brought everything back again. My ex was physically abusive and an alcoholic, so I had to revisit all of that. It was frustrating, and at times I was angry, but something kept me going. I realized that I loved being Catholic, and I didn’t want to be a cafeteria Catholic, and just pick and choose. I considered it an obedience of the Church.... After I received the annulment it was enormously freeing. I had had this albatross around my neck and it was just gone. My heart was lifted, free. That’s the best way I can describe it. My husband and I got married in the Catholic Church and that was just the most beautiful gift.”

The working document speaks about possibly streamlining the annulment process for those whose cases are relatively straightforward. Some priests and tribunals are more open to those seeking annulments than others.

As it is now, both members of the former couple are asked, separately, to answer questions about every aspect of their previous relationship. (If one member refuses to answer these questions the process can still go forward.)

Answering these questions can be a helpful, if painful, exercise. The questions ask both parties to prayerfully and systematically think through what went wrong in their previously relationship. It can be instructive, regardless of the outcome, to go through this comprehensive examination of conscience, to admit everything, even embarrassing things, to put them all down in black and white, and to take responsibility for one’s part, so as to move forward with self-knowledge and peace.

A friend having a difficult time coming to terms with the reality of a failed marriage told me he found the process very therapeutic. “It was freeing to realize that there was an impediment from the beginning, that our marriage was doomed from the start. There was nothing we could have done.”

Whatever the outcome of the process, it is good to recall what St. John Chrysostom, Doctor of the Church, wrote in the 4th century, “The Church is a hospital, and not a courtroom, for souls. She does not condemn on behalf of sins, but grants remission of sins.... [The Lord] relieves you from the burden of your sins. He heals your worries with thanksgiving, and sadness with joy.”

In the end, annulments are a way of helping people who have experienced failures in love to be fully reconciled to the church. People who have received an annulment are free to remarry, receive Communion or have their subsequent marriage blessed.

The document stresses that those who have not experienced failed marriages are to walk with humility and kindness beside their brothers and sisters who have, offering them support and assistance. As Pope Francis has said, “When love fails, because many times it fails, [we must] accompany those people who have had this failure in their love. Do not condemn. Walk with them—and don’t practice casuistry in their situation.”

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Stephanie Barrett

3 years 6 months ago

In my former parish, I was a friend of a trained facilitator. We had four lay people trained in this process.
She told me that the process of annulment was daunting, and many simply walk away.
I was unaware that in some cases, it is possible for an annulment to be granted with only one spouse
giving testimony? Am I reading this correctly? If so, to my knowledge this is not widely disseminated,
and it should be.

Paul Ferris

3 years 6 months ago

Asking people who "should not" receive the Eucharist but to only walk up to receive a blessing at the communion because they have experienced "a failure of love" and remarried without benefit of an annulment is not "reaching out" but is deeply shaming. When I read suggestions proposed by Benedict XVI, repeated here by Ms. Keating, I have to wonder if we are not back in the days of Salem Witch trials. How about the classic A hanging from their necks as they march up the communion aisle....to include both men as well as women this time !

Robert Killoren

3 years 6 months ago

What did Jesus mean when he said: "Whose sins you forgive are forgiven them, and whose sins you retain are retained.”*
Is remarrying without an annulment the sin that keeps on sinning? Do those with a failed marriage who marry again into a permanent, loving relationship commit a mortal sin every time they engage in the act of love? Are all their children "conceived in sin." Can't the Church, using the gift of the Holy Spirit Christ gave to the Church, grant forgiveness for the failure of their original marriage (naming that failure "the sin") and free a couple from perpetual sin John 20:23)? Isn't the fact that a marriage failed in the first place evidence that the marriage was not a valid marriage? That there was some deficiency in making the vows? A priest can be released from his vows, just as sacred and permanent as marriage, by an act of the Church, why can't married couple be released from their vows?
Who today can escape the eternal fires of hell except through the mercy of God?
1) "But I say to you, everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.*
2) "You shall not kill; and whoever kills will be liable to judgment. But I say to you, whoever is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment."*
3) Who can pass the test of Matthew 25:41-46?
4) Or Matthew 23:4 -"They tie up heavy burdens* [hard to carry] and lay them on people’s shoulders, but they will not lift a finger to move them."*
I pray that the Synod has the wisdom to lift the burden from the backs of so many who desire only to follow Christ as best they can.
* (2011-10-31). Bible: New American Bible, Revised Edition 2011, Kindle Edition.

Georgia Micoli

3 years 5 months ago

Georgia Micoli
Pope Francis has initiated efforts addressing the needs of the family including the need for pastoral care for those who "have had the misfortune of a failure in love". Anna Keating states that marriage should be “faithful, lifelong and permanent” (Matthew 19:9). Could Jesus be addressing mercy rather than permanence?
In first century Palestine, the death of a husband left his wife and children at the mercy of society where they had little control over their lives. The plight of the “widow and orphan” is referenced throughout the Hebrew bible. Jewish society bore the responsibility to care for them. Divorce disgraced a woman as in Matt 1:19, when Joseph found Mary was pregnant. Joseph, “not wishing to disgrace her, decided to secretly divorce her”. The same Greek word is used in both Matthew 1:19 and 19:9 for the word divorce (Greek-English Interlinear 1990).
Jesus healed those abandoned within the society whether it was the leper, the blind or paralyzed, the tax collector or anyone marginalized. Wouldn’t Jesus want to protect women from the hardship of divorce? Would that be reason to accuse men of being “hard-hearted”?
Having good sound marriages stabilizes a culture but divorce should not leave the individuals penalized nor alienated. They are already disappointed and hurt. Does anyone enter marriage planning on getting a divorce? Allowing them to share communion with their congregation offers them support and grace. Jesus fed the bread and wine to a friend who denied him and another who betrayed him. Can we, as Church, be so arrogant as to stand in the way of the grace that Jesus offers? Let’s offer them the understanding and love, as well as sacramental communion.

Anna Keating is the co-author of The Catholic Catalogue: A Field Guide to The Daily Acts That Make Up a Catholic Life. She also runs a website on Catholic practice and culture by the same name, www.thecatholiccatalogue.com.

Like most public writers, I was used to getting notes that were crude, crazy or even mildly threatening. Normally, I would say a quick prayer for these obviously troubled people and get on with my day. This time it felt different, precisely because the author wasn’t insulting or obviously deranged.

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