Monthly Archives: December 2013

I am five years away from having to deal with the evils of the PTA, and as a stay-at-home mom who plans to maybe work 8 hours a week once the first kid and the hypothetical second kid are in school, I know that the question is going to come up a lot. And if I’ve learned anything over the years it’s that time flies by pretty fucking fast. I mean, five years ago I was still dating my husband and now I’m married with a baby. (Where the hell did the time go?) So eventually, I am going to have to come up with a plan, and what better time to do that than before I have to actually think about my responses, right?

So here are all the reasons I won’t be participating when that notice comes home in my kid’s backpack.

I am not a Pinterest Mom

I know I said this in my last post, but it needs to be repeated again. I don’t do crafts that are likely to be judged by other adults, because I suck at them. I do not have the patience for fiddly little pieces of pipe cleaner or felt, or whatever it is that Pinterest Moms use for their fancy ass decorations. You know what I plan to do to decorate for my kid’s birthday parties? Bake a cake (from the box), frost it (badly), maybe add sprinkles and attempt to write “Happy Birthday” with icing so it’s somewhat legible. I might have the husband blow up some balloons, which will be either taped to the wall or float carelessly over the floor. If there are games, my husband is running them. I’m the woman sitting in the corner, pasting a fake smile on her face, and wishing that half the guests hadn’t been invited and wanting the party to END.

I do not DO organized activities

You know why I never participated in extracurricular activities as a kid? It wasn’t because my dad couldn’t afford it (he would have found a way), or that I had to look after my brother (he was 11 by the time I used that excuse). No, the real reason was that every extracurricular activity requires you to show up for every meeting and activity. It requires you to DO SHIT AFTER SCHOOL, after you’ve just spent over 8 hours doing shit. Or to devote your weekends to doing shit. And the PTA is just an adult version of an extracurricular activity; an activity that will require me to go to meetings and do shit in a timely and organized way. Which leads me to my next point…

I don’t do shit unless I feel like it THAT DAY

See, the trouble with me being expected to do shit in a group is that I am fickle. I wake up each day and have no idea what I’m going to do. Oh sure, I have a vague idea of what I might do, but even that could change if I’m not in the mood. I mean, I’ll mix up a batch of cookie dough with the full intention of baking cookies, then be all like “meh, I’ll put it in the fridge and roll out the dough tomorrow.” Tomorrow arrives and I don’t feel like making cookies into different shapes, and the dough is either chilled for another day, or I just spoon the cookies onto the baking sheets and that’s that. So being in the PTA wouldn’t work for me, because they have a schedule and they expect you to do shit for fundraisers and make cupcakes, and I would likely not feel like doing the shit I said I would do until the very last minute. Somehow I don’t think that would go over well with the other moms.

I prefer to keep to my own schedule

And that’s a nicer way of saying “I prefer to just do things whenever I feel like it”. This totally would not work if I was in the PTA, because they have those meetings, and meetings would take away what precious time I have. What’s that, you say? I’m a stay-at-home mom and have all the time in the world? Fuck you. My time is still just as valuable as yours is Fictional Working Mother Who Called Me Out on My Bullshit. On any given day I could have chores that need to be done, blogs to read, inappropriate TV shows to watch while my kid naps, smut to write, or just do sweet fuck all because I feel like it! But no, you’re right; I should totally get dressed and go to that meeting because it’s what I’m expected to do if I don’t work outside the home.

My time is not free

There was only ONE time in my life when I willingly volunteered my time without expecting payment, and that was when I was in high school and required work experience in order to graduate. Even then, I chose working at the daycare. I played with kids for a few hours. I did NO WORK whatsoever! The PTA will expect me to participate in bake sales and other shit that will require me to be at a place at a certain time and talk people into spending money on shit that I had to make. For free. You know what that is? That’s retail. I was IN retail. I can tell you right now that the only part of that job I liked was working on the displays. But I wouldn’t have even done that if I wasn’t getting paid to do it, because I had to get there at a set time (often too damn early) and stay there until closing (often too damn late). If I want to set up displays and make things pretty, I’ll do that at home for my own enjoyment. Give the PTA members a salary and maybe I’ll reconsider it.

At some point they will ask for money

My husband has a pretty good job right now, and with the way things are going he will probably have a higher level of income five years from now. He might even achieve his dream of running his own business, but that still doesn’t mean we’ll have money to spend on fundraisers. I plan on having a second kid in a few years, so pretty much double the expenses we have now, and obviously we’ll want to have a few luxuries like family vacations, going out for dinner, and saving money for retirement. And yes, obviously we would have some money “left over” because being poor taught me a lot of ways to pull money out of my ass when we needed it most, and to save that money so that it’s available to be pulled out of my ass. But see, that money is what we use for Slurpees and ice cream. It’s what we use for the occasional “just because” gift for either ourselves or our kid. So basically, every time the PTA asks for money, they are dipping into our “fun money”. And really, what the question boils down to is this: Do I want to spend that money on stupid decorations for a school dance, or do I want to order pizza tonight so I don’t have to cook after dealing with all those Pinterest Moms? Pizza will always win.

People Annoy Me

I’m an introvert, which basically means I prefer small, intimate groups to big parties. I also don’t need that much in the way of social interaction and can get more than enough of it from my family. In fact, I sometimes get TOO much social interaction (but I still love you, husband, even if you do annoy me sometimes. Same to you, too, son). This social interaction, for introverts, comes at an energy cost. See, unlike extroverts who feel energized after being around tons of people, introverts get the opposite effect. I’m saying that if I have to attend a party (and by my definition, “party” is a gathering of more than five people) I’m going to need at least two days of doing sweet fuck all in semi-isolation to recharge my batteries. My best friends are the women in my life who understand that even if I don’t call or visit them for weeks, I’m not mad at them and I still totally want to hang out at some point. Just not every day. Or even every weekend. Once a month? That’s more like it, as long as I’m allowed to skip a month should some other exhausting social events come up. I’m not anti-social, I swear! I can party with the best of them and I can even have a good time in groups, but if I have to be too many places and see too many people in any given week, I get cranky. I need my “alone time”. If you’re an introvert, you get what I’m saying. If you’re an extrovert…sorry, you probably don’t understand at all. Doesn’t matter; this isn’t about you.

So yeah, getting back to the PTA, you can see how that’s not going to work. I’d be surrounded by people, expected to interact in a pleasant way, and do so probably way more often than I can handle. And before you all point out that I worked retail, let me remind you (again) that I was getting paid to be pleasant. But here’s the thing: when I was working, I rarely wanted to go out and do things with people on my days off. In fact, when I was working, the only thing that got me through the day was knowing that once I got home I could change into my PJs, ditch the bra, eat whatever the hell is easiest to make, and watch a shit ton of TV or surf the net. Going out with friends didn’t factor into my evening activities. Actually, if I’m going to be completely honest, when I was still dating my husband I would sometimes hope that he was too busy to come over, just so that I could have a night to myself. Now that we’re married, I secretly jump for joy when he tells me he’s going out with the guys or will be working over the weekend. It’s not because I don’t love spending time with him, but sometimes I just want to play on the computer and not talk to anyone for a few hours (or half a day).

So yeah, dealing with people all the time? SO not my thing.

I am too much of an individual

You know what types of moms happily fit in at PTA meetings? The same girls who were “popular” in high school. They are made up (and usually headed) by the same kinds of control freaks I avoided. There’s always that one woman who tries to boss everyone else around, and there’s that woman who is just good at EVERYTHING and you feel inadequate just standing next to her. There’s the mom who makes 75 mini cupcakes all shaped like hearts or some shit, and there’s the one who judges everyone on everything. I dread interacting with these moms. I dread the day when I am forced to attend some parent-supervised party for the sake of my kid, and I hear “we don’t do x in our house” or “don’t you realize that has x amount of preservatives?” These are the types of moms who lobby governments to make PE mandatory until graduation. I HATE those moms. Those moms make the lives of other peoples’ offspring hell! I’m serious, here! The “healthy lunches” moms and the “active lifestyle” moms need to butt out already, because I actually remember what I was like as a kid. Hell, I’m STILL like that today, and I will tell you that no matter how many programs and shit moms lobbied for, there will always be kids who resist and find ways to cheat the system. I was that kid.

How could I possibly sit through a meeting and discuss ways to change “unhealthy” habits of other peoples’ children and keep a straight face? Listen up, PTA people! That “extra” PE that you lobbied for? It didn’t promote any enjoyment in physical activity for me. Quite the opposite, actually. You see, what you bubble-headed idealists fail to realize is that forcing people into doing something they don’t want to do makes them not want to do that thing even more! In fact, by 10th grade (before you assholes decided to make PE mandatory up to graduation) I was celebrating the END of forced physical education. I ditched most of the classes and went to “make up classes” at the end of the year, during finals, just so that I WOULDN’T HAVE TO DO PE SUMMER SCHOOL OR REPEAT THE CLASS NEXT YEAR. You get it yet? I literally went to class so that I wouldn’t have to do that shit ever again! And now that I’m an adult? My physical activity comes in the form of walking to the store when I feel like going out, or walking around the house. I don’t play sports. I hate sports. You know WHY I hate sports? BECAUSE I WAS FORCED TO PLAY SPORTS IN PE!!! It is YOUR fault that I don’t enjoy a “healthy, active lifestyle.”

And now I see that you’re lobbying to ban junk food from schools. Even birthday cupcakes are a big “no no” with you guys! Seriously, get your heads out of your asses! You know what happens with “healthy” lunches if a kid doesn’t want to eat them? They get trashed. Or parts of it will get trashed. You know how my parents managed to get me to eat my lunches at school? They packed things I would actually eat. I ate those things. If they packed something “healthy” that I didn’t want to eat, I threw it out. Or gave it away. But mostly I threw it out because no kid wants to eat MORE carrot sticks in their lunch. Sorry, that shit’s just not happening, and you can ban junk food all you want, but all you’re going to do is have the kids either sneak it in their lunches or they won’t eat at all (and then snack on their way home after school). And how do I know this? Because I would have (and did) do those things! My point being that you really have NO control over your own kids outside of the home, let alone someone else’s kids.

And that, really, is the biggest reason why I won’t be joining the PTA. I just can’t stand the types of people who want to control everyone else’s behavior and lifestyle. I cannot be a part of an organization that spouts such mindless propaganda…unless I’m only there to undermine and infuriate the other moms. And even then, as fun as that might be, I would still be required to attend meetings and functions on a regular basis, so, no, it’s not worth even the entertainment of making the PTA’s heads explode at my logic and reasoning.

But I’m totally bringing birthday cupcakes to my son’s school. Never let it be said that I’m a bad mother 😉

I suppose I should start this blog off the way most mothers seem to expect me to; by explaining my “mommy philosophy”, or whatever we’re supposed to call it. Obviously this is going to put me on one side of the Mommy Wars or the other, but here’s the thing: I don’t care. I honestly care very little about half the issues that moms go on and on about, to the point of ending friendships. Well, no, that’s not entirely true.

I do care about natural birth, breastfeeding, bed-sharing, and attachment parenting; but only so far as that it works for ME and MY family. I couldn’t care less what YOU choose to do with your own family, body, or whatever, as long as it’s YOUR choice.

See, that’s the thing that very few of my mommy friends actually “get” whenever they take offense to something I say. I don’t care that they chose a C-section. I don’t care if they were “done” with pregnancy and wanted to be induced. All I care about is that they understand the risks of their choices and make peace with them, and most importantly NOT get all pissy when someone has a different opinion on those things.

Take for example this one friend, we’ll call her Jane, since that’s far enough from her real name for her to somehow come across this and be all “hey, bitch, you’re talking about me!”. And if she is reading, well, then she’ll hopefully realize that everything I’ve ever said on social media about certain issues is NOT ABOUT HER!

But I digress…

So Jane had problems with all 3 of her pregnancies. First one she had pre-eclampsia, second was a form of placenta previa that required a very necessary C-section (and I don’t at all disagree that she didn’t need it), and then there was the third, not too long before I had my son. The third kid she wanted to try a VBAC and then changed her mind close to the date and elected to have another C-section. Again, totally her choice, and while I wouldn’t have done that myself, it wasn’t MY body getting cut open so who cares.

But see, this is where the offense came into play. I was told at 35 weeks I was carrying too small for gestation. The (idiot) midwife who must have misplaced her brain cells due to her own pregnancy (and I’m totally aware that “Mommy brain” is a valid excuse), sent me in for an ultrasound. Then she consulted with an OB and decided that based on a very badly done scan, my son had a growth restriction. So she recommended that I see the OB and scrap my plans for a home birth. In fact, I better be prepared to possibly be induced and C-sectioned because my son won’t tolerate labor well.

I should have trusted my instincts and told her she was wrong. I should have said “thanks, but I’m still having him at home if those non-stress tests keep coming back with good results”. But instead I caved, somewhat. I planned a hospital birth and wrote out my “natural birth” plan. I was very much against having a C-section. Well, my flat out refusal to see the OB and my efforts to avoid a C-section didn’t sit well with Jane. She constantly told me that “it’s not that bad” and didn’t understand why I treated the very idea of having one as if someone had suggested I cut off all my limbs with a dull knife. But she SHOULD have understood, because everyone who has ever known me long enough knows that I hate needles, hospitals, and doctors.

Part of the reason I wanted a home birth with my very FIRST baby, even though I didn’t know what to expect, was that I HATE needles. I couldn’t stand the idea of relinquishing all control to an institution that gave those out freely. I didn’t want an IV. I didn’t want to be poked and prodded. I didn’t want a zillion people walking in and out of the delivery room. So my plan was to have two midwives, my husband, and possibly a doula. I was going to birth without intervention, in a birth pool, and it was going to be nice and peaceful and intimate. Then I was going to curl up in my OWN bed, eating food that was cooked in MY kitchen, and everyone was going to leave me alone with my husband and son.

So given that my dream birth was isolation and familiar surroundings (and NO needles), it makes sense that a C-section would be the very last thing I would want, unless my life or my son’s was truly dependant on it. I didn’t want IVs or the epidural, or any other tubes or needles anywhere near me. I have severe panic attacks just getting blood drawn, even when I’ve numbed the skin with a $12 bottle of cream (that’s $12 for ONE dose, btw).

And Jane couldn’t look past her own “perfect” experience with surgery to realize that maybe not everyone wants to be cut open if they can avoid it. Not everyone thinks MORE time in the hospital, eating hospital food and sleeping in a single bed is a vacation. News flash, Jane! Not everyone wants what you did!

Okay, I’m getting off topic here. Where was I? Ah, yes, my “philosophy”. Well, as I said before, I am all about information and choices based on that information. I feel that if one is going to choose ANYTHING for themselves or their child, they should be willing to look at the facts, and maybe see if there are any possible consequences to said choices. Like Jane’s choice of a second (unnecessary–that’s right, I said it, Jane!) C-section. Well, she’s made peace that she probably won’t be able to VBA2C (although technically she COULD, but I don’t think her OB told her that), she is outright ignoring the fact that she might be facing even more complications the next time she gets pregnant. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that she’s not done having kids yet. All the power to her, I have no issues with how big she wants her family to be, but considering the fact that none of her pregnancies have gone smoothly for her, maybe, just maybe she might have wanted to do her homework first before having that second C-section?

Anyway, she’s made her choice and I made mine. I fought the “system” with my own birth. I went in for NSTs twice a week and ultrasounds every other week. I did it for myself more than for the medical professionals, because I wanted to prove to them ALL that my son was perfectly fine and I was going to go into labor on my own, thank you very much! And I did, at 40 weeks and 6 days, regular contractions started. I labored at home, undisturbed, but because my doula was (unfortunately) going on vacation with her family the next day, I only had her until about 8am the day my son was born. Had she been able to stay, I don’t think I would have gone to the hospital just yet…but then again, had I done that, I might have had to deliver in triage.

Yeah, when we got there at 10am, there were NO rooms available. FML! Oh, and apparently the stupid nurses didn’t get the memo from my midwives about my refusal to have blood drawn either, because some bitch I couldn’t see (because she was behind the curtain) kept asking me if she could take it. I said NO like 5 times before she finally went away, but seriously, I was dealing with hard contractions and these people think I can sit still for a blood test? Fuck that! Next kid is being born at home, and I’m not calling the midwife until I’m ready to pop.

But anyway, long story short, I got a room with a tub, and I stayed in that tub the entire long labor, taking only the gas (because I had back labor and my doula wasn’t around to help with that) and then I was out of the tub, on the fucking bed (worst spot ever) and pushing for 3 hours. I did it 100% natural, tore a tiny bit near my urethra (but not enough to need stitches) and was high on my own hormones immediately after his birth. So after THAT, I know that birth doesn’t have to require so many interventions to “help” moms get their babies out. My son was almost 8 lbs and I’m barely 5’4 and weight 113 lbs soaking wet (not bragging, just a fact). And. I . Had. Him. Without. Intervention.

Which leads me to the thing that REALLY pisses Jane off: my choice to inform other mothers of their options.

I joined several Facebook groups, including Improving Birth.Org, which advocates for women’s rights in birth. It is a FACT that birth in the “developed” countries is too medicalized and rarely practices evidence-based care. C-sections, routine inductions for suspected “big babies”, routine procedures like IVs and episiotomies, not “allowing” mothers to move around…really, the list is extensive and the outcome is that very few women have satisfying birth experiences. Too many women get pushed into agreeing to things they don’t want, by care providers who don’t give all the facts. Like me, with that (idiot) midwife and OB. At 39 weeks, my all-time favorite midwife (who delivered my son) called me up and told me that the idiot midwife was misinformed. My son and I were perfectly fine, she said. “I see no reason why you can’t have him at home.” And stupid me, I didn’t jump at those words and make it happen. I didn’t ask her if she could get me a tub liner because I didn’t have the money. I didn’t take her offer seriously (I will next time). This being the woman who told me how much I would benefit from having a doula. This being the woman who helped me get in touch with ONE doula, who in turn got me in touch with MY doula. This being the woman who had all HER births at home and was the only one who trusted her instincts rather than put her faith in technology. And I still opted for the hospital, just in case she was wrong.

So fucking stupid!

Aaaand I’m getting off topic again! Sorry, I do that. It’s one of the things about taking advantage of my son’s naptime; I tend to ramble.

So back to Improving Birth, I have read a LOT of horrifying shit since I had my son. I’ve read about doctors FORCING women to have C-sections under court orders. I’ve read about women saying NO to an episiotomy and getting one anyway, and then being told that they should have just gotten the epidural. I’ve read about so many terrible things happening to mothers that it makes me sick to my stomach. So I started sharing this information and protesting LOUDLY. And because I was protesting the C-section rates and how birth depictions in the media are all scare tactics to make new mothers more compliant to their doctors’ will, Jane got pissy. Jane insisted I was wrong. Jane flat out told me she didn’t appreciate my saying that her birth wasn’t “natural” (even though I never mentioned HER births at all, just that women should be allowed to birth without interventions that aren’t necessary). She never actually READ any of the articles I posted, but she still continues to get offended.

And that, my friends, is what I’m getting at. It’s why the Mommy Wars are so stupid! First of all, the mommy wars assume that one way is better than the other, and I don’t buy that. I think that one way is better than the other for each individual who chooses that way. I am NOT telling every mother to birth without drugs, or to breastfeed exclusively, or to have their baby sleep in their beds. Obviously, that works for me. Obviously! I mean, if it didn’t work for me, I wouldn’t still be doing it, would I? But it’s not going to work for everyone, and I get that. I only ask that if you’re going to choose something, then at least be educated enough to defend your fucking choice!

(yes, I say “fuck” a lot. You’ll have to deal with that if you want to read this blog)

So yeah, there’s going to be stuff in here that some of you won’t agree with, but hell, that’s life. I’m not FORCING anyone to believe what I do. I only ask that you say “fuck the ‘experts’, I’m going to do what works for ME!” instead of blindly comply with what doctors and parenting books tell you to do. Unless what would work for you is selling your kids into slavery. Don’t sell your kids into slavery.

But seriously, people, if you’re looking for a “cure” or a way to “fix” your kids, you won’t find that here. You also won’t find fancy recipes or creative ideas for baked goods and such, because I’m not a Pinterest Mom. I don’t even know what that means, really, but I suspect that Jane is one, because she’s super into all that creative artsy party shit. I’m not. If I’m feeling adventurous I’ll paint icing on my sugar cookies, but the icing is runny and looks like something a four year old would make. Who cares though? They get eaten all the same anyway!

So yeah, that’s my first post. I suspect I’ve pissed off a lot of moms out there, but the few of you who (like me) actually *get* it, prefer to do things your way, and (ok, I admit it) sometimes will do those things just to spite others who said you couldn’t…