Friday, September 26, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A 6.1 magnitude earthquake hit Alaska Thursday. It shook so hard, it simultaneously broke up three brawls involving the Palin family.

Loan companies are installing remote trackers inside the cars of subprime loan borrowers that can disable their vehicle if they get behind on their payments. Which makes it hard for people buying GM cars to know if they are defaulting on their loan or if it’s just time to get their vehicle to the shop for another recall.

The highest paid woman CEO in America, Martine Rothblatt was formerly a man. The worst part is that as soon as she became a woman, the board of directors dropped her pay to .81 of what it was when she was still a man.

Scientists say that water on the Earth is older than the Sun. Although it has been so dry for so long in California, in another few years in the Sun will be just about ready to call it even.

A Liberian newspaper is accusing the U.S. of manufacturing Ebola. The U.S. says that is impossible, since all our manufacturing jobs went to China years ago.

A Liberian newspaper is accusing the U.S. of manufacturing Ebola. To which Republicans say if the U.S. government really wanted to destroy their health in Africa, they wouldn’t have sent Ebola. They would have given them Obamacare.

A report from Iraq’s Prime Minister that ISIS was going to attack subways in New York has been determined to be fake. At least we know what happened to the guy who told us all about the Weapons of Mass Destruction.

A report from Iraq’s Prime Minister that ISIS was going to attack subways in New York has been determined to be fake. Apparently the terrorists were planning a gas attack but figured no one would even notice it over the smell of urine.

Tech mogul Peter Thiel says that Republicans in Congress have lower IQs than the Democrats. Although they are all still much higher than their constituents who keep reelecting them.

A report says the U.S. immigrant population has hit an all time high of 41.3 Million. In a related story, the Census Bureau says there are now 41.3 Million people living in California.

The FCC is holding forums across the country about the issue of net neutrality. The only problem is getting anyone to attend the meetings since the FCC made the mistake of putting out the official hearings notices out through AOL.

Major food companies are trying to attract male customers who are in charge of grocery shopping in 40% of all families. Although it is pretty easy to track down men shoppers who can usually be found either in the frozen foods or beer aisles.

The Navajo Nation has settled with the U.S. government for $554 Million for mismanagement of their funds. To which everyone else is asking what about the $17 Trillion of their money that has been mismanaged by the government?

The Navajo Nation has settled with the U.S. government for $554 Million for mismanagement of their funds. It was a hard fight for the Navajos to make it to that point from the original government offer of three horses, some wampum and plenty of fire water.

Apple says complaints about the new iPhones bending are “rare.” Apparently the problem is we are getting so fat that when people put the phones in their back pocket, they just naturally bend to conform to the shape of our rear ends.

The Iowa Department of Transportation has banned Tesla from giving test drives in the state. The DOT says it has nothing to do with the cars being electric, it’s just that they have to be like all other vehicles in Iowa that are only allowed on the road if they are pulling a combine.

Maryland’s Attorney General has called the Facebook psychological testing “troubling.” The only thing more disturbing is that Maryland’s Attorney General is just finding out what everyone else knew about the testing back in June.

The Census Bureau says that 29.6% of Americans 25 or older have at least a bachelor’s degree. With nearly a third of Americans having tuition loans to pay off, it finally explains why so many Americans are still hopelessly in debt.

The CEO of an investment fund quit after his daughter presented him with a list of 22 of her milestones he missed because of work. There was the first time she drove her Ferrari after getting her license, shopping for a Prada gown to her debutante ball, her first three weddings...

Data says the number one cause of the failure of startups is a lack of market need for their product. Of course, there is always the exception to the rule which is the only possible explanation of why Microsoft is still around.

U.S. Bank has been ordered to refund customers $48 Million for deceptive banking practices. Otherwise known as being a bank.

U.S. Bank has been ordered to refund customers $48 Million for deceptive banking practices. Who do they think they are, Bank of America?

Chrysler has recalled 350,000 cars for problems with their ignition switches. Not only do they have to fix the problem, but now GM says that proves Chrysler has been spying on them.

Clippers owner Steve Ballmer says he will get rid of all the iPads still used by the team. He knows the team will get in a lot more practice since they will have all kinds of time to kill while they are waiting for their new Windows 8 tablets to boot up.

Twins pitcher Phil Hughes lost out on $500,000 as a rain delay in his last start kept him one out away from getting enough innings for the bonus. After getting robbed by rainfall, he is demanding to be traded to the Cubs who have a dry spell going back to 1908.

Experts say that 3D printed vehicles will be available in the showrooms of the future. By that time GM cars will only be recalled for running out of toner.

A forecast says that 30 states could see gasoline prices falling below $3 a gallon by the end of the year. Which means for the first time since 2004 people will actually be able to see the numbers on the pump while they are spinning around during a fill up.

A forecast says that 30 states could see gasoline prices falling below $3 a gallon by the end of the year. Which means oil executives are writing their wills and need to slow down their bonuses a bit so their heirs don’t have to pay too much of an estate tax.

Saturday is National Prescription Drug Take-Back Day. You can always tell that the men who show up hunched over are taking back the extra Viagra pills they have overdosed on.

Volunteers are using 3D printers to make inexpensive prosthetic devices for people in poor countries. Which is good for the people in those countries who can’t afford to pay an arm and a leg for an arm and a leg.

A study says that people who work 55 hours a week or more at blue collar jobs are at a higher risk for diabetes. Which is bad news for all the people in China and India who have all the blue collar jobs offering overtime that used to be in the U.S.

A new app checks lab test results to let the user know if they have any STDs. Which is ironic for people who used their smartphones to go through online dating services that caused them to get their STDs in the first place.

A new app checks lab test results to let the user know if they have any STDs. However, people are warned that there are a lot of other apps that can be better used as a first date ice breaker.

A study says that common painkillers are being tied to an increased risk of blood clots. The worst part is when people don’t know the painkillers are causing blood clots because they can’t feel any pain.

A study says a new therapy can help those mired in grief after the death of a loved one. Although for anyone who wants the grief to continue after they die, the best way is to cut all your relatives out of the will.

A study says that yoga and meditation can give a boost to a person’s brain power. Which is good news for anyone who is practicing yoga by themselves and has to figure out how to get out of the Di Mario’s Knot position.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino from “Jersey Shore” and his brother have been indicted for tax fraud on $8.9 Million income. People were shocked at the news. Who in the world actually paid “The Situation” $8.9 Million?

Lindsay Lohan received lukewarm reviews for her London performance in “Speed-The-Plow.” Apparently a lot of critics were confused, thinking the title meant she was premiering a sex tape.

Lindsay Lohan received lukewarm reviews for her London performance in “Speed-The-Plow.” Apparently a lot of critics confused the title with what they thought was going to be a documentary about her driving.

Bob Saget and Dave Coulier from “Full House” are auctioning off a lunch date for charity. The charity is getting some food for Bob Saget and Dave Coulier.

Bob Saget and Dave Coulier from “Full House” are auctioning off a lunch date for charity. The winner will get to hear stories about the show from Saget while getting to watch their dirty dishes quickly and expertly bused by Coulier.

A report says the second Ray Rice video showing him punching his wife was sent directly to NFL security chief Jeffrey Miller. Apparently Miller was too busy to look at it as he was spending a lot of time at his other job as the security chief of the White House fence and front doors.

A professor at UNC says she has proof that black holes don’t exist. Apparently she has never been to Youngstown, Ohio.

A survey says that 60% of tech workers would prefer to be at a mid sized company. The only problem is in the tech world there are no mid sized companies, only Apple, Google and startups.

A survey says that 60% of tech workers would prefer to be at a mid sized company. The other 40% would work anywhere that furnishes free Mountain Dew and shows endless break room screenings of “Star Trek.”

Three Irish teenage girls won the Google science fair for their work to solve global hunger. The only problem is that when they brought British food to starving countries, the people told them they really weren’t that hungry after all.

Three Irish teenage girls won the Google science fair for their work to solve global hunger. Their next project is how to try to get asked to the prom despite having bright red hair and an ashen complexion.

A woman COO in Silicon Valley is giving advice on how to succeed in the tech world, including not acting like a guy. Which apparently holds true there even if you are a guy.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! We are coming up on the first weekend of Autumn, which is important if only because it is a weekend. Sunday will be a big day for men to gather in front of the TV set for the NFL where they will see all kinds of fumbles. And those are just from the latest news conference by Roger Goodell. Hope you all have a great weekend. Don’t forget to tell all your friends about the blog. Why should you be the only ones who are confused and bewildered by what you read? At the very least, make sure to start the weekend off the right way by remembering to send the love!