she haunts my mind

Month: May 2017

It’s been a week since my last appointment with my care coordinator. I’ve found it a little hard at times not knowing I will be able to see her to have a chat about how I’m coping. I mean, I’ve been coping well, but the thoughts of so much is going on, and it didn’t help by numerous things – We completed 13 Reasons Why on Netflix, hanging out with friends on the beach, the Manchester attack, weight issues, and adopting a new pet.

You might think that there’s only one major issue there which would bring me down, but I struggled with 13 Reasons Why, mostly the last episode, because I knew at some point we would see ‘Hannah’ end her life. My wife held my hand throughout, asking if I was okay and various points of the episode, and whilst I say I’m okay, the thoughts inside my head kept harassing me. My brain wouldn’t stop playing that one scene, over and over it went. So many times I’ve had these thoughts, and yet I find it also traumatising to watch. It was uncomfortable. It was meant to be. I related to so much of the story, being victimised at school, name calling, rumours and more. If I had changed school, would I still have felt this way today? Probably. All those taunts have mental scars. People really don’t realise what they’re doing when they’re trying to be popular, and by doing so, it means targeting the ‘weak’ and making them feel bad. Sad. Very sad.

A few days ago, we went to the beach with a couple of friends. It was a really lovely day. It felt too good. It’s almost like, I’m not allowing myself to have fun here. I just feel as though I’m not good enough for the friendships, or that I’m on edge waiting for them to reject and abandon me. A year ago, we had more friends, and suddenly those friendships stopped, and we/I will never know why. I can only go by things my care coordinator has said to me, as well as what my other friends have said. I stupidly sent them a message on Facebook, but I don’t think they’ve got it/seen it, because they have me blocked. But I can only try to ask what I’ve done wrong. The agonising anxiety of doing something wrong and screwing up something which feels good is hard to deal with. I know I have to focus on the here and now, the present moment. I appreciate the friends I have now. I feel grateful and I feel supported. I feel as though my friendships are in the best place they’ve ever been. I just wish there was some way of letting my old friends know how well I’m doing now, and how different I am. Because I know I have changed, and the friends I’ve made through therapy have seen that change, so for that – I am relieved and I am proud. It’s hard to feel optimistic and have good self-esteem most days, but I’m really trying to make things okay.

The Manchester attack on Monday has really got to me. It’s got to the entire country, and most parts of the world. I just feel so vulnerable, and that makes me feel selfish. I feel so sad for those who lost their lives, so young, and I feel sad for those who were injured. I feel sad for the friends and families who lost a loved one, who’s lives have been ruined because of this traumatic event. It makes you put things into perspective. I mean, you can’t stop doing things, because you can’t show you’re afraid. You can’t stop enjoying yourself, but jeez, it certainly heightens the anxiety! The forces are stepping up and we’re on critical alert. We have to stand together and show we are not afraid. It makes me feel grateful for the life I have, because no matter what I’ve gone through thus far, I cannot imagine the aftermath of dealing with a traumatic event like this. So many young people, children, scarred for life. PTSD is experienced through many different ways. I developed it due to the attacks from my brother. I feel sick whenever the images come into my head, and I feel scared when I’m at my Dads house, despite him not living there, and despite my Dad having decorated and changed the layout, I can still picture everything as it was. Traumatic events scar us, and we have to learn to live with it. These families and young children have to learn to deal with it because they went out to enjoy themselves and the night ended in heartbreak, heart ache and fear. I really hope that every surviving attendee of the event get the support they need. We need to show that we are not afraid! We are not afraid and we will not be beaten!

Eurgh, here we go with the weight issues. I’m at a “healthy” weight, but I know I could do with losing a few pounds. It seems as though everyone on my Facebook is on some sort of diet. The majority are on Slimming World. I don’t think I could do that because I don’t need to lose a lot, but in my head I’m starting to think I do. I weigh myself, and although the first week was okay. I haven’t lost anything since, yet everyone around me seems to be losing something. Now, everyone knows I’m quite a competitive person, so I’m anxious this is going to trigger past issues for me. I’m wanting to lose weight healthily but I’m worried that the thoughts are getting too much that I’m going to repeat past experiences. I can’t get to that point, so I am trying so hard to fight it. It’s really hard. I mean, I have trouble losing weight because of the medication I’m on, so I’m thinking about reducing them again, but then I know I need them. It’s a catch 22. I lose weight and get sick because I’m not on anything, or I start on medication, and get sick because I can’t deal with the weight issues. I’m healthy! I really need to get this into my head! Everyone I know has said to me how much healthier I look now, compared to last year, compared to my time during therapy. My weight fluctuates a lot, so you’d think I’d be used to it. But I’m not. I have an appointment at the hospital next week because of my digestive problems. So that might find a cause for not being able to lose weight too, but then, it might not. I’m so nervous about the appointment. I’m worried I’ve caused damage from my past experiences of laxative abuse, and I’m worried that there’s something seriously wrong. Silly thing is, I tell all my friends not to worry about the “what ifs” because they are only “what ifs” and there’s no point worrying about the unknown because it might be completely wrong. So, I guess.. No, wait… I know I need to work on this issue. I need to make sure my wife and friends are supporting me, and they are aware of the past issues, and that they too are all trying to lose weight, and that for me it could be/it is, a trigger for me needing to lose weight too.

Okay, and finally…

We have a new pet!

Meet Jack!

We adopted him from the RSPCA as a companion for our cat Sally.

Sally gets very anxious when we go out. She’s ripped our new carpet by the front door because she’s wanting us to be home. Our other cats just get on with things, and Sally just wants fuss and cuddles. Upon meeting Jack (was Stanley), he cuddled up to us and was very loving. We knew he would be perfect for Sally.

We’ve had him since Tuesday, and all the cats are still trying to get used to the idea. Jack likes to hide under the spare bed, so we try and coax him out so he gets used to us. We’re getting there, but we know he’s more of a night owl!

He’s probably the only point I’ve made which hasn’t made me feel down about things. I love my pets to pieces. We are so lucky to have the fur babies we have because each one of them loves us in return. They are so incredibly loving and love their cuddles and playtime. Even Evie, our hamster!

I guess, from this post I’m trying to say that although there is so much dark, fear and anxiety, there are also glimmers of hope, love and support.

I have that in my life, which makes me a very lucky person.

Thanks for reading 🙂

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About Me

After therapy and finding my own voice, I am on the pathway to hopefully help and inspire others with mental health and chronic pain to find their voice and help break the stigma of living with these illnesses, as well as share my journey along the way.