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Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

When it comes to cake decorating, you can't get any more basic than the balloon. One roundish blob of icing, a string, and voila! You're done! This staple of icing decor is so simple that even the most inexperienced of decorators couldn't possibly Wreck it up.

[pause]

BWAHAHAHAH!Hah, did you see what I did there? How I managed to keep a straight face? Hoo boy! [wiping eyes] Heehee!

Ok, seriously, let's count down the ways in which Wreckerators have managed to destroy the seemingly simple balloon, shall we?

1) Gravity Need Not Apply

I suppose you could say the writing is what's upside down, but even then those balloons look more like wrinkly piles of fresh paint than anything else. Yech.

2) Floaters, or Swimmers?

I see this problem a lot, and I don't think it's just 'cuz I have that V-day post on the brain.

It doesn't help when the "balloons" are swimming in a circle, either:

This balloon placement makes perfect sense...during tornado season.

3) Too Small

This is no doubt a commentary on the vast, off-centered, blankness of life.

4) Too big.

These behemoths are coming in for the kill with their teensy dagger strings.

5) Swirly Suckers

Multicolored swirls look, at best, like lollipops. At worst, we're facing the Teletubby poo debacle all over again.

6) "You may use any icing color in the kitchen. EXCEPT THIS ONE."

Ooh, could those be a gaggle of failing organs*, or perhaps hacky sacks made from old pantyhose? Here's hoping!!

The bottom one is just gross. Is the marketing department coming up with something new here - flesh balloons? Fleshloons? "Got an artery that's all clogged up? No problem, let us inflate our new Fleshloons up in there and you'll be good as new."

Number 6 is clearly for the veterinary associations "Say no to heartworms" awareness month. Having had the *privilege* of seeing a pickled heart with a bad case of heartworms I can tell you with certainty that it looks quite like that.I also love the too small balloons...maybe it was a minimalist birthday cake. I was going to say nihilist but then there'd be no balloons at all....and possibly no cake.

Ugh, the blobs on #4 make me ill, thinking about trying to actually eat a mound of frosting that big. Perhaps the dagger-like projections are meant to drill their way through your lower intestine, cleaning out all the debris.

After seeing all the ways to flub up balloons, I don't think I'll ever attempt them myself.

Ok, I can just about let the swirly balloons in #5 pass. I mean, compared to the others, it's a decently made cake with just the problem of the swirls (and peaks I guess). But what were they thinking with the small balloons. I mean, you know the cake is SOOO big, why make the baloons sooo small? Were they waiting for something else?

3) This one really cracks me up. For the right person, I think this could be a funny cake. It would go well with an appropriate quote from The Office: "It is your birthday." Actually, I'm kind of liking that.

I used to be a cake decorator and I think I did a pretty good job of it. I just worked in a grocery store bakery but people used to ask for me by name when ordering cakes so I like to think I didn't suck at it. One thing I could never get down though was fricken-fracken balloons. No matter what I did they never turned out right. I would cringe whenever someone would order a balloon cake because I knew it meant they were going to walk out of that bakery with a sperm cake. It's my secret shame. And now not so secret.

OMG! I have got to stop reading this blog at work while eating my lunch--I almost needed a Heimlich from trying not to laugh out loud. #2 is definitely sperm, take it from someone who looks at them under a microscope for a living. And the last one--definitely testicles. What a disgusting color for a cake!

Afterseeing some of those living dead wedding cakes the other day, where are the wedding cakes with balloons. Just because there might be a comment or two made about wedding night activities that shouldn't stop anyone in the name of good taste, right?

My sixteenth birthday cake (purchased by my mother without my input except regarding flavor) had sperm-balloons on it. Even worse, they were pink, blue, and purple. When I discovered this I had to exert every ounce of restraint I had to avoid cracking up in front of my mother, but once she left, ended up pointing it out discreetly to all my female friends - and much giggling ensued.

So...I'm sorry to report that the ginormous balloons are actually a company standard of the good folks at Costco...You'll be hard-pressed to find any balloons that aren't family-value sized there....I guess it makes sense...

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What's a Wreck?

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

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