Biblical relics that is, and they’re being sold by yours truly, The Arm Chair Pontificator. Here’s a list of some of the relics I’ve acquired via unsavory methods over the years which are for sale.

1.) Jesus’ beard. I “found” this little item in a Jewish dude’s bagel shop here in Chicago. He had the bloody thing hanging in his shop window with a sign under it that read: “Buy a dozen bagels and I’ll let you touch the beard of Christ. Oy vey!”

Christ’s Beard: $10.00

2.) St. Peter’s Pee. I “collected” this rare specimen from the bottom of an ancient urinal in the Louvre during a visit to France a few years ago. According to a French archeologist I spoke to during my stay, St. Peter apparently peed in the urinal while visiting the Louvre back in the day. The then curator of the museum preserved the urinal, and the pee in the bottom of it, by roping it off and declaring it a relic. St. Peter’s pee can now be yours for the amount listed below.

St. Peter’s Pee: $8.26 + $2.00 For The Bottle

3.) Mary Magdalene’s panties: I acquired these during a government sanctioned panty-raid while I was working for the Mossad in Israel during the 80’s. That’s all I can tell you about how I acquired them, but I assure you, they are the real deal.

Mary Magdalene’s Panties: $16.53

4.) Judas Iscariot’s cell phone: This is the very phone Judas used to make the deal to point Jesus out to the authorities for 30 pieces of silver. I won it on a bet I made with Vladimir Putin on last year’s Super Bowl. God only knows how he acquired it, but it is, once again, the real deal. Anyway, the damn Russians don’t know shit about American football. Putin was an idiot to bet it on the game, but now you can be the envy of all your friends by buying it from me for but a token of its true value.

Judas Iscariot’s Cell Phone: $11.76

That’s all for now, but be sure and check back soon for the sale I’ll be having on the animal dung I gathered from Noah’s Ark last year. It’s guaranteed authentic shit.

Robert Mapplethorpe, the erotica photographer who gained fame in the ’80’s with his photos depicting the gay BDSM lifestyle, stopped by my office today with some sexy pics of people from the Bible he’s taken since his arrival in Heaven. He heard Moses had shared some of his personal photographs with my readers, and, after first getting permission from his models, he decided he’d like to share some of his. And here they are. Hope you enjoy them.

Vacuum Lips City, California. We’ve all done it. You know, called someone a cock sucker regardless of whether or not we knew they actually were one. Well, I’ve discovered, through intensive meditation and shameless alcohol consumption, that humans have been referring to one another as cock suckers for thousands of years now. It is an inarguable fact, to those who chose to believe it is, that many famous and infamous people, all throughout history, were regularly referred to as cock suckers by those closest to them. A few are listed below for your intellectual perusal.

Who Doesn’t Know This Gesture?

Famous Historical Cock Suckers

1.) Ancient Egyptian Pharaoh, Ramses the Second. Ramses was first called a cock sucker while in High School by his Junior year French teacher, a smokin’ hot Hebrew babe named, Sasha Vaginastein. The two were rumored to be lovers and Ms. Vaginastein almost exclusively referred to Ramses as her “little cock sucker” when speaking about him. “My little cock sucker’s gonna be Pharaoh one day, so don’t fuck with me,” she’d often say to those who had offended her in some way. Ironically, Ms. Vaginastein was caught sucking the cock of a palace guard shortly after Ramses became Pharaoh. He had her buried alive with the guard’s severed cock sewn into her mouth. Ouch.

Little Cock Sucker

2.) Judas Iscariot.There’s not much to say about Judas, other than the fact he is the first scientifically confirmed person in history exclusively referred to as a cock sucker in a derogatory fashion. “That cock sucker always over cooks my matzo balls,” Peter was once heard saying in reference to him. As well, Luke’s voice could often be heard bellowing out commands to him like these: “Clean my feet, cock sucker,” and, “Suck my cock, cock sucker.” Biblical scholars have recently confirmed this was the reason Judas betrayed Jesus. Can’t really say I blame the cock sucker, though. Can you?

Now We Know Why

3.) Anne Boleyn. “You’ll really like Anne, she’s a cock sucker.” These were the words Anne’s own father used when he first described her to Henry the 8th. “I LOVE cock suckers,” was Henry’s reply, and the rest, as they say, is history.

A few weeks have passed since the last scene. We’re inside Jesus and Mary Magdalene’s bedroom in the Apostle’s HQ. The scene opens with a huge closeup on an open box of bagels sitting on a small night stand near the bed. The box is loudly labeled, “Moses & Job Bagels: So Good, You’ll Swear Mom Made ‘Em.” We cut quickly to a medium shot of Mary Magdalene on top of Jesus, her breasts are bare and sweat covered and her face is tightened into the final throes of her second orgasm. As she groans, we see Jesus’ left arm, the upper part of which has a tattoo of Mary Magdalene proudly displayed on it, rise so that he can grip Mary by the back of her head and force her mouth down onto his in an open, wet kiss. Jesus pauses while holding Mary in this position until he orgasms and groans out her name in a mumbled fashion into her open mouth. As their mouths separate, the camera catches a sparkling line of spittle attached to the lips of the lovers. Mary rolls this on her finger and then places her finger into Jesus’ mouth where he suckles it like a babe at its mother’s breast. The time is very long ago.

Jesus With Mary Magdalene Tattoo

Jesus: Oh my f’ing Father, Mary! That was amazing. Where did you learn that …thing you did with your tongue? Wow!!!!

Mary: That’s my secret big guy. A girl doesn’t give away her secrets, you know? How’d you like it when I swung in here naked on that wrecking ball? Hot, huh? Oh, by the way, we owe the driver of the wrecking ball truck five bucks. I thought getting to see me naked would be payment enough for his services, but he said he can’t feed his family with a woody, so we owe him the five bucks.

Mary Magdalene Swinging Naked Into Jesus’ Arms

Jesus: Yeah. Sure thing. For something that hot, I’d pay 50 bucks. Here, go pay him [Jesus hands Mary a five dollar bill with Julius Caesar’s face on it]. I’ll be right out. Oh, and bring him the rest of the bagels, would you? They’ll just go to waste sitting here. You and I are the only ones who eat ’em, and I’m full.

Mary: [Putting her dress over her head and going toward the door] Sure thing, babe.

As she takes the bagel box off the night stand we get one more close up of the name on the box, and we quick-cut to a long shot showing us the back room of one of Herod’s Temple brothels. In the shot we see Herod, Judas, and several Pharisees. Herod hands Judas a bag which he opens. He takes out silver pieces and places them back into the bag which he then places in his pocket. He smiles at Herod and the Pharisees and heads toward the Temple exit. Just audible over the hum and buzz of the people around him, we hear him say over his shoulder, “It’s a great day for a betrayal, my friends. See you all later.” Cut to black.

Cut to a long shot in 65mm of Jesus and Peter standing beside their horses at the entrance to one of Herod’s gambling casinos cleverly hidden inside a “Centurion’s Pizza” pizza restaurant for kids.

Jesus: Patience, my young apprentice. You must learn patience if you are to be the rock upon which I build the foundation of my new Temple. Herod is inside this casino. That’s why we’re here. It’s time I ended his attacks on me and Mary over my having freed her from his pimpy clutches. As well, I’m quite certain several Pharisees are also inside. It’s time those bastards got their comeuppance as well.

Peter: OK, man. I’m with you, JC. I just hope….

Peter is cut off before he can finish his sentence by two hooded Ninjas leaping from atop the Pizza parlor and swinging swords at his and Jesus’ heads. Jesus waves his hand and grips both Ninjas in a force-like grip that would make Yoda proud. He snaps both of their necks and tosses them into the door of the restaurant opening it. Inside several thugs dressed in golden three-piece suits open fire on Jesus and Peter with semi-automatic weapons. Before Jesus can react, Judas leaps up behind him and Peter and knocks them both unconscious with a billy club. Cut to black.

Next we cut to a loud white screen as the voice of Patrick Stewart as God is heard, softly at first, then much more loudly, talking to Jesus.

God: Jesus! Wake up you knucklehead! Wake up! I warned you not to trust Judas! He’s too damn good-looking to be any good. Why, oh why, didn’t you listen to me?

Jesus begins to wake up as the scene comes into focus. We see that he and Peter are tied to chairs in the center of an old barn somewhere. Herod, several Pharisees, and Judas are standing looking at the bound men as Jesus starts to speak.

Jesus: Dad? Dad? You’re chastising me at a moment like this? When oh, when will you ever realize I’m a grown up and I know what I’m doing?

Herod: Well, Well. If it ain’t the almighty Jesus Christ talking to himself outta fear of King Herod and his revenge! Brother, you are going to be one suffering mother fucker in the next few minutes! I’m going to let your pal Judas here get all Romanesque on your ass and torture you for a few days before I cut off your mother fuckin’ head and stick it on a pike outside my throne room. You a dead shit-bag, savior boy. And after you, I’m killing me that bitch whore you stole from me that you’re so fond of fuckin’. I’m going to have an army of centurions rape her whore-ass to death over several weeks. The fuckin’ bitch is gonna be killed from fuckin’! How’s that make you feel, almighty one?

Jesus: It kinda pisses me off, Herod. You know, like you making a mockery of my Father’s Temples with your bullshit gambling and whore running. You’re gonna pay for that.

Herod: Right, mother fucker! And how much am I gonna get charged by your soon to be dead ass for pissing in your daddy’s houses, huh?

Jesus: Oh, I’d say about 30 pieces of silver, if I’m correct on what we paid for ten, out of work, Roman centurions. Isn’t that what they cost us, Judas? [Jesus stands as the ropes binding him and Peter to their chairs fall to the ground and the doors to the barn fly open revealing ten fully armed Roman centurions standing just outside.]

Judas: Yep. Exactly. These guys were outta work, being that Rome isn’t in a war at the moment. And they’ve been really antsy for some practice work as well as for some decent pay. For 30 pieces of silver, they promised they’d scourge, beat, and crucify Herod and these here Pharisees out in some back-woods area that no decent Roman would ever be caught dead in. See, this way, Pilot never has to know WHAT happened to Herod the Great and a few piss-ant Pharisees. He’ll only know they’re gone. These pricks thought they were giving me 30 pieces of silver to betray you, Jesus. But in fact, they were actually paying for their executioners to execute them. Irony is a fuckin’ bitch, ain’t it, boys?” [Judas spits on Herod after saying this line].

Judas, After Betraying Herod

The centurions rush in and grab Herod and the Pharisees before they can even begin to react to what has just transpired. They shackle them, and as they do, we hear the voice of God shouting: “Atta boy, Jesus! You’re a chip off the old block! Hot damn, son! Way to go, you ‘ole son of a bitch, you! And Satan, you owe me ten bucks if you’re listening to this. I told you, never count my boy out! He’s a winner! Just like his ‘ole man!”

Nice Work My Boy, Says God

From somewhere out of frame, we hear the voice of Satan, played by none other than Captain Kirk himself, William Shatner, cry out: “Curses! Foiled again!”

William Shatner Is A Foiled Satan

Herod: Well I’ll be a fucked pig in a god damned syrup-soaked blanket! I’ve been fucked over by a do-gooder messiah and some crazy-ass Jewish boys! Son of a bitch! Ain’t that just a mother fucker?!

Herod The Great Will Smile No More

Herod says his last line as he’s dragged out of the barn by two centurions. The eight remaining centurions beat the Pharisees as they shackle them. As they are dragged out of the barn, the Pharisees beg Jesus to save them and to be merciful. To which Jesus replies, “Fuck you. I hear crucifixion REALLY sucks, boys. Please let me know what you think of it. After all, it is what you wanted for me, isn’t it?”

The camera cuts back to a medium shot as we see Jesus and the two Apostles begin to straddle their horses for the ride back to HQ.

Peter: I’m one sponge-like rock when it comes to you and your lessons, Jesus. I’m very impressed. And hungry. Let’s get some pizzas to take back to Mary and the fellas, eh?

As the three men nod in agreement at this suggestion, the camera pans up, and then quickly down again onto a dark road in a deprecated woods where we see and hear the screams of the crucified Pharisees as they hang on crosses next to King Herod, the Great, whose own cross bares this sign: “Here Hangs Herod, King Of The Jews, Who Dared Anger Jesus, Bad-Ass King Of All Mankind.”

It is approximately 6 months since Mary Magdalene’s rescue from Herod’s singing Stripper Bar. We are in Pontius Pilate’s office in Jerusalem with Pilate, King Herod, and a single Roman centurion guard. Herod and Pilate are discussing the Pharisees who’ve come to ask Pilate to kill Jesus for them because he and his apostles have been forcing Jews to apologize to God for the sins of Adam and Eve and to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. Those who refuse are beaten, water boarded, and starved until they comply. Many have died from this. Jesus has attacked the Pharisees hardest of all because of their continued, arrogant defiance of his demands. They want Pilate to rid them of Jesus for good. It is a very long time ago.

Pilate: Herod, who the fuck did you tell me these guys were again who want me to kill Jesus?

Pontius Pilate Acts For Rome Alone, Not The Pharisees

Herod: They are the Pharisees, my Liege, the leaders of the Jewish faith. They’re pissed because they’re pussies who can’t kill Jesus for themselves, so they figure they’ll get you to do it for them. Fuck ’em. They are limp-wristed pansy boys as useless as drops of rain in the magnificence of the great sea that is Rome. They aren’t worth your time. I, however, want Jesus’ ass hung on a cross cause the faggot stole one of my whores from me. NO ONE does that to Herod the Great without paying for it. I’m asking you to help me catch him because it benefits you to do it. You’ll be preventing that asshole from turning his campaign against Rome, which he surely will do next, and you’ll get a life long ally in me, Herod, King of Judea, ensuring you of no further insubordination from any Jew while I reign.

Pilate: I like the way you think, Herod. You’re OK in my book. Centurion!

Centurion: Yes, my Lord?

Pilate: Go out there and tell the Pharisees I’ve washed my hands of them and that they can go fuck themselves. What I do I do for Rome and for Rome’s cause. The requests of pansy-boy religious leaders mean nothing to Rome. Tell them if I see or hear of them again, even a peep, I’ll have them all crucified. Damn sissies.

Centurion: As you wish, my Lord.

Pontius Pilate Tells The Pharisees To Fuck Off

The camera cuts to a medium shot of the Centurion talking to a large group of Pharisees who begin to protest loudly what they hear. This prompts the Centurion to point toward a nearby hill where 10 crucified individuals can be seen squirming on crosses in horrific pain waiting to die. The Pharisees then quickly and quietly leave as we cut to a Mexican Restaurant, somewhere in Judea, where Judas, Mary Magdalene, and Christ are awaiting their to go order.

The First Supper Was Mexican Takeout

Mary: I must say, JC, Mexican takeout was an OUTSTANDING idea for the first ever supper of all 12 of your Apostles. I can’t believe we did it. You said you wanted twelve Apostles and 12 we have. All trained, combat proven, and ready to kick repentance out of everyone we find in need of it. You get sexier and hotter to me every day, sir. You are without any doubt, my savior and Lord.

Jesus: Thanks, babe. You were a big help to me in doing this. You’re the woman behind the Savior, if you will. And you’re pretty OK in the “hots” department yourself, I might add.

Just then, without warning, Judas knocks both Jesus and Mary to the ground as a spray of gun fire flies harmlessly over them.

Judas, Poised Always For Battle

Judas: Man, that was close. And that was most definitely not the Pharisees shooting at you. It’s Herod again, Jesus. I’m telling you, let me go stealth on his fucking ass and kill him while he sleeps. It’s dangerous keeping a dude who hates you that much alive.

Jesus: I know, and in time, Herod will die, but for now, I need him alive. I’ve a plan for him and he is, so far, following it perfectly. Come on, let’s get the food back to the HQ. I’ll bet everyone is starved.

Judas: OK, pal. If you say so. You are the son of God, after all.

Cut to the inside of Jesus’ and the Apostles’ HQ. All 12 Apostles, Mary Magdalene, and Jesus are seated around a large round table with various Mexican food dishes open on it looking rather picked over. Jesus has a shot of Vodka in his hand and is about to make a toast.

The First Supper

Jesus: I’d like to share this toast with Mary, and my Apostles upon the occasion of our first ever supper together as a team. You are a team of hand-picked specialists who will help to bring repentance from mankind for the sins of Adam and Eve, thus prompting my father to FINALLY forgive them for it. Not only that my friends, you are also the defenders of the wronged, the jurors for the guilty, and the executioners of the condemned. We are Jesus and The 12 Apostles, and let every evil doer and non-repentant sinner know, screw with us, and you are truly fucked!

Jesus downs his shot and everyone else soon follows suit. The screen fades to red and then to black. End scene 4.