Dealing with forgiveness in relationship

Good day Harriet, Please, I want to learn how to forgive people because my problem is that I really don’t know how to forgive. This was a big problem in my previous relationship which I regret daily. I hope for another chance. Because of this, I will like you to throw more light on the issue of forgiveness. I need it seriously.

Kingsley A., Port-Harcourt.

In some ways people have wronged us or we have wronged people, either through words or actions. Forgiveness is when the person that is hurt has decided to let go after an apology has been made. It is a personal decision to let go the pain caused by the action. Forgiveness makes you feel relief. It’s like a heavy weight has been lifted off your heart. Don’t forget when you bear grudges, you are actually the person that is putting his health in danger. Therefore, when you forgive, you are helping yourself. It makes way for kindness and compassion. It reduces anxiety, stress and hostility. It helps to reduce the intake of alcohol and abusive substances to ease off the pain, hurt or situation. Forgiving the person does not make the offence right or that you accept the wrong action. It is a way of peace with yourself and the person.

How to forgive and let go: Sometimes, we find it difficult to let go, despite the fact that we claim to have forgiven our offender. Like some people will say: ‘I can forgive but I cannot forget’. To forget what was said or the action that was carried out or pretend that it never happened is not true because the word or action indeed took place. To let go which is regarded as forgetting, the following steps should be put into consideration: Talk about how the word or action has affected you. It could be your friend, your family member, your worker and so on. Make your message clear; pour out your emotion freely.

Avoid violence because it is not the best way of resolving issue. Don’t be in denial. Tell the person your pain, bitterness and resentment. On the other hand, if writing them down will make you feel better, why not. The main issue here is that you need to let it out from your mind, so that you can get rid of the whole issue faster and move on. Because the sooner you forgive and let go, the better for you as a person. As a matter of fact, think right, speak right and act right;

Think right: Changing your perspective about the person is very important. Release the person from your heart, let go off the part of you that hates the other person or wishes him or her harm, dead or failure because if you keep holding on to these negative feelings, then it will affect your own life and make it hard for you to find happiness. Remember nobody is allowed to make you unhappy unless you allow it.

Speak right: Discuss your hurt or pain freely. Let the person know how much pain their actions or words have caused you. Some people might not realize their offences until they are told. We differ in our personality, so when we say speak right, it simply means talk about the matter, iron things out freely, accept apology and let go. Don’t talk about the issue again since you have forgiven the person.

Act right: Let your action shows that you have forgiven. When you see the person, try to be normal, agree it might not be the same immediately, depending on the offence, but let’s face it, you have decided to forgive the person, so to let go, show kindness to the person. Your action in the long run is what tells if you have actually “let go”. There’s a popular saying that “action speaks louder than words”. Make the person feel welcome. Don’t bring up the issue again, even when the person out of guilty is working hard to gain your trust again. Try not to make reference to the past. Kindly discourage and reassure the person that the issue is bygone. However, focus on the goals you want to meet in future that will improve your life instead of spending energy and time worrying over how somebody has wronged you. Continue to work on yourself. Improve those things you want to work on and see how much better you feel as you become a more caring, compassionate, well-rounded person. You have made a choice to forgive and forget. You should be proud of yourself for taking such a step not minding whether the person deserves it or not. The truth is that some people cannot change no matter what you say or do, simply because of their mindset. There are people who have certain ways of doing things, not putting others into consideration. So the only way to forgive such people when they hurt you is to learn to understand and tolerate them.

On the other hand, if you decide to hold a grudge, the effect is that you might pay the price repeatedly without knowing it by bringing bitterness and anger into every relationship and new experience you encounter because of your action. In some cases, your life might become so wrapped up in the wrong that you cannot enjoy the present which can affect your health. As Ann Landers said: “Hate is like an acid. It damages the vessel in which it is stored and destroys the vessel on which it is poured”. Forgive and let go so that you can move on with your life. It gives you a clear understanding of different personalities, appreciating people strength and weaknesses.

Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on [email protected] or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj