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I do not agree with a word that you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

~ Voltaire

A man who talks by a mile and walks by an inch, should be dealt by a foot!

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

~Rodney Dangerfield

She'd have been the most beautiful woman in the world, had her nose cooperated a bit.

Money talks. We just have a hearing problem.

Love triangle: a man, a wife and a TV set.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.

When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile.

In journalism, there has always been a tension between getting it first and getting it right.

People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.

~ Soren Kierkegaard

Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.

~Edgar Allan Poe

Give a man a mask and he will tell you the truth.

~ Oscar Wilde

Hypocrisy is a homage paid by vice to virtue.

~ La Rochefoucauld

Children should be seen and not heard.

In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.

~ Tom Bodett

My girl and me, we are so perfect; she loves me, and I love myself too...!

The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist.

Never tell your girlfriend that her diet's not working.

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

The trouble with doing something right the first time, is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Television is for appearing on - not for looking at.

"I just read an article on the dangers of drinking, it scared the hell out of me, so my new year resolution is, no more reading."

I cannot imagine a God who rewards and punishes the objects of his creation, whose purposes are modeled after our own -- a God, in short, who
is but a reflection of human frailty.

~ Albert Einstein

If You Want to be Understood... Listen!

You don't have a problem.
You are the problem.

"When the Missionaries arrived, the Africans had the Land and the Missionaries had the Bible. They taught how to pray with our eyes closed. When we opened them, they had the land and we had the Bible."

~ Jomo Kenyatta, 1st president of Kenya

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

~ Scott Adams

Remember, the business of a politician is business.
The business of business is managing politicians!