Thursday, December 18, 2014

I didn't fall in love with you - I fell into infatuation - A Short Story

That
seems like a silly question... I've lived enough to realize I didn't
fall in love. Maybe some people do, but we certainly didn't. No, I
didn't fall in love with you.

I
fell into infatuation.

It
was born of admiration and idealistic notions, wrapped in the way you
laughed and how, when you smiled, I wanted that smile to be at me.
It was born of watching you speak, with confidence and compassion,
and tangled with the way you calmly fixed problems. It was born of my
longing for companionship, and yet peppered with my insecurities that
said, “You're only maybe good enough for him.”

Infatuation
is a crazy creature. It knows it may not have a shot, but it's
insanely curious. It reads into every teasing smile, every quick
hug, every chance encounter. It hopes for lofty dreams of being
totally loved and accepted, but doesn't much dwell on any hard work
involved. Infatuation just.... imagines the best, with all the warm
fuzzies. Infatuation, ah, it was full of colors and daydreams of
tomorrows, even though I hardly knew you. All I knew was that I
wanted to, no matter what it took.

So
I tried for your attention. You didn't at first take much notice...
but I watched from a distance and tried a little harder. Finally you
got the hint – it still makes me laugh as I remember the moment you
finally understood I was interested. We talked awhile and then a
little while more... for days, and then weeks. You made me laugh –
I made you think. We talked about the world, God, and all our funny
little wonderings. We opened up our hearts and began to be real...

Then
I fell out of infatuation... And grew into love.

Loving
you was harder... That first time we fought, I thought I'd mangled
things beyond repair. I sobbed so hard I could hardly breathe. Part
of me wanted to hide - that would be the easy way out. Part of me wanted to run away to a time before
you... But I couldn't. It scared me... imagining life without you.
And I realized, no matter how much it hurt, I was willing to fight
for our friendship... There were difficult times, but I truly loved you in-spite of it... and I could see you loved me too.

I
apologized. You apologized... It really was a stupid little thing,
knotted with misunderstandings. Hours of sorting out later, and we
were once again friends. Just a little smarter.

But
that wasn't the only time we had a misunderstanding... And that
wasn't the only time that loving you was painfully hard... I battled jealousy.
I battled my fear of you leaving. I battled my fear of hurting
you.... You had your own insecurities you brought.... Still, by God's
grace we grew closer together. Loving you was hard, but it was so
much better than infatuation.

Love
was born of knowing you – trusting you...

It
was born of sharing my deepest longings – then being shown what
you were passionate about. It was born of tested promises, and
wrapped with the long talks we had about life. Love was born of a
dozen and a half times we apologized, and interwoven with the trust
that grew. Love was born of being willing to sacrifice my time and my
plans, and seeing you do the same for me. Love was born of aching
under your sadness, and asking God to be your strength. Love was born
of both joys and pains – growing stronger with every act of trust.

I
fell into infatuation, but I grew into love. That's what I tell
people when they ask about falling in love.

*Author's note - Admittedly, I've never been in a relationship - but I do know what it's like to be infatuated. And, in a friendship sense, I know what it's like to love - to struggle through the painful bits, and the misunderstandings, and yet only grow closer through it all... So, though this isn't a story I've experienced, I still feel qualified enough to write it. ;) I hope you enjoyed it... Maybe it made you think....

See - infatuation doesn't ask anything of you. Love does. Love takes work and self sacrifice. When you love someone, you are opening yourself up to the potential of getting hurt - they see you clear enough to know how to hurt you... When you love, you are agreeing, in a sense, to give up some of what you want, for their best, and to be there for them, no matter how you feel... But you do so because it's worth it... to know and and be known, to love and be loved... To love, in a pale reflection of the way God does. Infatuation takes a moment's fancy - Love takes time and experience to grow.

This is so good! The author's note especially. I haven't read much of your writing, Mirza, and I don't know why. You have a way with words that, in a few places, said exactly what was on my heart & mind. :)

About Me

I am a Christian, home-school graduate, an OPC PK, a writer, a Certified Nurse Aid, a dreamer, and, well, a 22 year old searching to follow God in my life. He is good - through all the ups and down, I can say, God is so good.