Older, and recently married, but sexually inexperienced and feeling clueless.

First of all, I am really thankful for your services. I am 29 yrs old female and recently got married to a 30 yr old guy. We have tried to sex couple of times but unsuccessful because of pain I experience when my husband tried to penetrate. Although we gathered useful information from your site, the main problem is that since we both are virgins we don't have much idea about these things. Secondly we both are not aroused at same time. Can you please advise us as to what is the best position or possibly the best way to do it first time?

Heather Corinna replies:

Well, the first place I'd start is by having a good look at these four pieces here and sharing them with your spouse:

In part, because an awful lot of just-married heterosexual couples often have the idea that intercourse is THE thing they "should" be doing when, in fact, it's only one sexual activity of many, and one that often isn't so hot for many people (especially women) all by itself. So, if you're rushing in, without having taken a lot of time exploring each others bodies and responses over time through other activities, that's likely a very big part of the problem.

Having intercourse that feels good to everyone isn't about doing it any one way or in any one position: instead, it's about doing it in ways and positions that feel best for the individual people involved. For sure, we all have pretty much the same basic parts, but how any two fit together at any given time can vary an awful lot based on individual shape and curvature, on any disabilities, on how aroused both partners are in advance and on what kind of speed, depth and position feels good to YOU. And there's really no way to find any of that out from someone else, because it's about the two of you pretty specifically: to find out what feels best, you've simply got to experiment (and that SHOULD be a pleasant duty, not a chore). Again, that experimentation shouldn't just be happening with vaginal intercourse, but also with making out, petting, manual sex, oral sex, mutual massage, the works. If, for instance, your partner discovers through giving you oral sex that more targeted clitoral stimulation is better for you than more general, then you both may discover that adding targeted clitoral stimulus with fingers or a toy during intercourse makes intercourse feel better. If, in giving you manual sex, your partner finds out that it takes your body a while to open up to vaginal entry, and that you need very gradual entry to feel good, then he's going to know that you both need to perhaps have manual sex for you for a bit, before introducing intercourse, or that he needs to go a lot more slowly and gradually at first with intercourse.

It's also important to communicate. You were virgins, okay, but at least one, and probably both, of you have masturbated before, so you can talk to your partner about where you're most sensitive and what you know you like with masturbation: that's an excellent starting point that can clue you both in. And on that note, at times when only one of you is interested in sex and the other isn't, that's the thing to do: masturbate. You only want to be having sex with a partner when you are BOTH interested and both feeling desire: unless that want and desire is there, the fuller arousal isn't likely to happen. That synchronicity won't usually happen every day for most couples, and that's normal: expecting to both be in the mood for sex at the same time all the time isn't realistic. Too, there may be times when one of you is very aroused and interested in sex, but the other is more in the mood to just give pleasure than receive: those are great times to take a turn to explore a partner's body with things like massage, oral or manual sex that's just for them (though which is also often exciting for the partner doing the giving, too: watching a partner we care for experience pleasure should be a real thrill).

Do also be sure that you're in sound sexual health, and that there aren't any physical troubles at hand. Given your age, I'd sincerely hope you've been having yearly gynecological exams already, but in case you haven't, you're way past due. Those are important for your reproductive health, sex or no sex, but you can also have your gynecologist make sure there isn't a physical problem here (like a resilient hymen, for instance) and to boot, have someone to talk about these issues with in person when they come up.

I'd also just remember that sex isn't something that's somehow perfect for any set of partners right from the get-go like they show in the movies. Rather, like anything else we learn about each other in a partnership, it's an ever-evolving process of learning our partner's bodies, responses and unique desires over time. As I said, that shouldn't be a bummer: it should actually be pretty exciting to make those discoveries, and over time, the more of them you make, the better and better all kinds of sex you want to be having tend to get. And for the love of Pete, don't put a lot of pressure on yourselves, or make this about achievement: exploring a partner sexually should be a delight and a pleasure, and should happen pretty organically, without either or both partners feeling like they have to keep to some sort of schedule of development, or get any given thing "right" at the gate. Take your time: relish each other, and also know that your sexual partnership is self-designed. There are no 'right" things to do, or required sexual activities. Some heterosexual couples rarely have intercourse at all, some even never do, preferring other activities instead. Whatever sexual activities you find, over time, are the ones you both like most and work best for you both are the right ones.

So, with that in mind, check out those articles I linked you to up top together. Talk about them, and if you need more information than that, you might also want to get a couple of good books so that you don't feel so clueless. The basic information is out there, so there's no reason to go without it. I'd suggest my own book as a great primer, as well as some of the sexuality guides listed here. Once you have the basic, general information, you're better equipped to start exploring together to find out the individual and unique facets of your personal sexuality as well as the sexuality you create together as a couple.

written 08 Sep 2007 . updated 20 Nov 2012

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