The latest in a string of attempts to destroy the world failed yesterday, as Switzerland's "Black Hole Machine" malfunctioned, leaving the earth intact. Professors around the world are worried that, at this rate, we will never successfully destroy the world.

"We've tried everything: global warming, nuclear proliferation, black holes, but we are still no closer to completely destroying the world," one Swiss Professor laments.

"We urge citizens of the earth not to panic," a spokesman for the Geneva Earth-Death Alliance told us, "We will be back up and running soon with machines that will obliterate this rock in no time at all. We urge you to be patient."

His words are no comfort for the many people still on the earth, wandering aimlessly and praying for death.

"Will we ever be able to blow the planet up, Mommy?" a nine-year-old boy sadly asks his mother.