By now, I know most of you are aware of the National Broadcasting Co.'s somewhat odd order that we say "Torino" rather than "Turin" whenever we refer to that town in Italy where the Winter Olympics will be held.

"Torino" being the way that Italians say it, not the way we who speak English say it.

As a number of you have pointed out to me, if Brian is reporting a big breaking news story involving, say, the pope, coming out of Vatican City, he does not say, "We send you now to our correspondent in Roma."

Which is how Italians pronounce that city's name.

And when we sent Katie over there to Greece to do the 2004 Olympics for us, we did not have her open the show by saying, "Here I am in Athena."

Which is how a Greek would say it (I think).

Brian says "Rome." Katie said "Athens."

Why? Because they speak English. And that's the way English-speaking people say it in English.

OK, so then let me explain our "Torino" decision to all of you who work here at NBC in a way I believe each of you will understand.

Shut up and say what we tell you to say.

A top executive here at NBC has decided "Torino" is a very cute name with a really charming lilt to it. That's good enough for me!

Do what the man says.

Never mind that our viewers are making angry phone calls and sending us nasty e-mails that say: "Where in the [expletive] is `Torino?'"

I like the sound of it. It's a combination of two of my favorite places, Toronto and Reno. If you ever go to Toronto or Reno, you'll know what I mean. A couple of fun towns.

"Turin," though, what's that? A soup bowl?

Therefore, please follow NBC's previously issued instructions. "Turin" is a word I don't want to hear around here, not unless you're in your car and aren't sure if you should make a right turin or a left turin.

Got it? Capisce?

Meanwhile, here are some other new rules that you fine NBC newscasters and sportscasters are henceforth under strict orders to obey:

1. Steven Spielberg's "Munich" film is to be referred to as "Munchen," which is the way a German would say that city's name. I like that a lot better, don't you? Munchin' sounds like fun! Munich . . . ick.

2. Bob, next time you NBC Sports boys get to St. Louis for a ballgame, say "St. Louie" instead. It's cuter.

4. Jay, while doing Italy jokes in your monologue, Bologna should be pronounced "Baloney." I know this reverses our Turin/Torino policy, but I know you'll get big laughs.

5. By the way, don't say "bobsled" any more. "Toboggan" is a lot funnier.

6. Brian, let's go back to calling towns by their old names, OK? I like Leningrad instead of St. Petersburg. I like Bombay more than Mumbai. This will prepare NBC's audiences for 2008, when we say the Olympics are in "Peking."

7. Oh, and make up your mind, would you? Is it "New Or-LEANS," "New OR-lins" or "New Or-lee-uns?"

8. Nice is not "neece." From now on here at NBC, that place in France will be "Nice," as in "have a nice day."

9. Katie, sweetie, try "Par-eee" instead of just plain "Paris." (For example, "Today on `Today,' we will bring you the latest fashions from Par-eee!" Oui?)

10. Remember, we need these Olympics to be a big, big success for us because, as they say in other parts of Europe, our ratings are in the loo.

Therefore, if NBC tells you to call it Torino instead of Turin, do it. And if NBC tells you to call yourself Katarina instead of Katie or maybe Roberto instead of Bob, do it. Understand, people? Comprende?