About the people, politics and beliefs leading us down the road to pandemonium

political convention

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Lorne Michaels

30 Rockefeller Plaza,

New York, NY

Dear Lorne:

Here’s a treatment of the new sitcom we discussed. We know this kind of production isn’t your
thing, but we thought you might pass it on to the right person in the biz.

Sincerely,

LSN

The Donald Dumpling Show

Donald Dumpling,
President of the United States. Egomaniacal billionaire and host of a
network quiz program where he verbally abuses losing players then kicks them off the show. Donald’s boorish behavior attracts the interest of presidential
candidate Fred Frisk,a stone-like Midwest Republican. He thinks Donald would be
a great running mate with his name recognition and appeal to low-brow
voters who like seeing other people humiliated on television. The ticket’s a
winner. But unfortunately, soon after the inauguration President Frisk drowns
in the White House pool.Donald takes over and fires the
cabinet and staff and hires a group of cronies, failed politicos and fringe
media personalities. None of these people has experience governing, let alone
knowledge of foreign affairs or the workings of the legislative and judicial
branches. But to Donald that’s just fine. Naturally, infighting and chaos
ensue followed by one domestic or international crisis after another.

Other major characters:

Doneta Dumpling, First Lady and third wife. A former fashion model, she's tall and
graceful and always dresses in the latest style. She has no particular role at the White House
and rarely speaks. She simply passes slowly through the rooms with the
practiced step of a supermodel showing clothes to exclusive clients. This can
be disconcerting when she glides by during cabinet meetings or when foreign
leaders are visiting.

Della Dumpling and Rheinholdt Putzler. Della and her husband own a marginally
profitable chain of shoe stores. They believe this empowers them to meddle in
economic policy. And with a name like Rheinholdt, who could know more about foreign affairs? The two frequently slip into the Oval Office
to give advice to the president, which he invariably accepts. Della is the daughter of Donald’s first wife, who Donald dumped when she suggested he might consider going on a diet.

Tanya Dumpling, The daughter of Donald’s second wife, she is the
most sane person in the White House. A junior at Stanford majoring in Political Science, Tanya regularly eludes her Secret Service
guards to pal around with her liberal friends and has joined political
demonstrations against her father. Tanya frequently has political conversations with dad in which he comes
across as his usual ignorant and blustery self. She also connives to bedevil members of the
White House staff, especially Billiebetty Candle, Dez Unger and Lonnie Peeper
(see below). Her aim is to save her
father from himself, which, never works as planned. Tanya is the time bomb
lurking in the White House basement.

Billiebetty Candle, Presidential special adviser and
spokesperson. Her main function is to appear on television to creatively
interpret the meaning of the president’s public statements. Her forte is countering criticism of the president
by unleashing a welter of hysterical verbiage that vaguely resembles factual truth. Her stringy blond hair and pancake makeup
give her a shopworn appearance irresistible to presidential
adviser Dez Unger.

Dez Unger, Chief presidential adviser. He previously ran an extreme right wing website where all
news was made up by college students whose greatest ambition was to murder
their liberal professors. Most of these
kids were abandoned at birth by rich parents who were too busy at the club to
notice them. Dez is known for his tacky wardrobe and icky personal habits. Some people claim they can smell his body
odor through their television screens. Because he is smarter and has only one
guiding idea—kill anyone who opposes you—he is able to hold Donald in
thrall. Donald rarely says or does
anything without Dez’s approval. That suits Dez just fine. He’s always wanted to be president.

Lonnie Peeper,Chief of staff. He’s a busy little man who resembles Peewee
Herman. Lonnie tries desperately to
compete with Dez for the president’s ear. But he usually ends up with tasks
like supervising the White House domestic staff as they prep for state dinners or
making sure Marine 1 pilots get their favorite sandwiches and white wine before
flying the president to Andrews.

Bart Splint, Former army general and now the President’s
national security adviser. Donald and Bart
get along well because they both are deeply insecure. Gen. Splint sees almost every country in the
world as a potential threat and therefore is always on the alert for warning
signs of danger. The fact that 45-year-old Justin Trudeau, the Canadian prime
minister, is smart, good looking and has a legitimate political pedigree scares
the shit out of him. Gen. Splint was quietly retired by the army after his
superiors in the Pentagon noticed he spent more time with fashion consultants
designing personal uniforms than doing
work as a strategic analyst. In his
White House job Splint can’t wear his uniform, but every morning before he goes
to work he pulls it out of the closet to admire the medals arranged down the
front of the jacket.

Les Keen. White House press secretary. A bumbling nitwit, who creates confusion with
every pronouncement. But that often
works out well because it keeps the White House press corps occupied so the
president can focus on important matters like practicing how to use the nuclear
button.

Ronny and Donny Dumpling, Donald’s sons from his first marriage. Both are in their thirties but
most often behave like teenagers. The pair love their annual safaris to Africa
where they shoot big game animals released 10 yards from their protective bunker. Donny and Ronny visit dad daily to report on
the family businesses. Ronny is CEO and
Donny is CFO.They know nothing about
management but the titles give the president cover from unpaid contractors.

Two old Senators, aka the cowardly lions of the Senate. As blueblood Republicans, they hope the
president will succeed but know he’s completely nuts. Their role is to serve as the chorus,
commenting on Donald’s actions and behavior by putting the best face on it even
though that requires excruciating mental gymnastics. They are never invited to the White House and
are only seen standing forlornly at the rear of the Senate chambers sharing
their shaky thoughts about politics and the news. Almost no one pays attention to them, least
of all President Donald Dumpling.

Tweak
Jones, the president’s personal IT technician, works late at night
in the White House family quarters where he looks after the president’s
personal computer and helps with difficult tweets. The president usually tops
out at about two-thousand characters. Without
Tweak’s tweaks, nobody in the country would know what the president is really thinking. Tweak also knows about other goings-on late at night in the White House.