This Week's Horoscopes

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22) An obscure channeler/medium predicted that an immense spaceship from the Galactic Federation of Light would appear over Alabama on October 14th. Obviously, she was wrong (or you probably wouldn't be reading this). However, the fact that something she made up and sent to 128 people ended up reaching thousands points to the power each and every one of us has. Your ideas too could spread like wildfire and connect with people all over the world, if they're captivating enough—more so this week than most. However, please keep in mind that this could work against you just as easily as for you, so be careful. Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21) Trying new things isn't exactly your specialty. In fact, there were years when you wouldn't even attempt anything new unless you already had a pretty good idea that you'd be better than decent at it. That's got to end somewhere, and this week is a good time to pick up a few new skills. Try at least five new things that you suspect you might become good at given time, but probably will suck at the first few times you give them a go. Three of them won't work out, one of them will lead to disappointment, and one's likely to become a great new passion. You'll never know which is which until you actually try them all. Seems worth the effort to me. I bet it will to you too, at least in retrospect. Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) There's no easy, painless way to ask what you want to ask, get the information you need, or share the things you need to share. You have to simply bite the bullet and make it happen. Quit procrastinating, create your moments, and just spill it, ask it, or do it. You may not like what happens next, but waiting won't change the outcome, only delay it. If the end result is inevitable anyway, wouldn't you rather know sooner than later, so you can be free to move forward with your life? The more time you waste waiting, the more you'll regret it later. Get on with it, now. Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) This week is all about imperfect solutions. The simplest example I can give you is using a bit of rope to hold your pants up. You don't have the tools or resources at hand to do the job the way you'd like, but you can still get things done, albeit messily or imperfectly. Holding out for the perfect answer will mean doing nothing for an entire week, or longer. You're better off just making do for now, and fixing things up later when more resources or information become available. Don't stay pantsless in limbo. Just hitch up your britches, tie them off with a bit of string, and move along. Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Play to your strengths. You're not necessarily going to be able to match a Scorpio's intensity, a Leo's radiance, or a Pisces' flexibility. Stop trying. You will never be successful at being anything other than what you are, and you're not a good enough actor even to pretend convincingly. Luckily, you're a pretty great person, even if only a select few will ever notice or appreciate it. Don't worry about being the most popular person in the room; you probably never will be. But as long as you're genuine and honest, you'll be the most popular with the people who matter. Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) The simplest solution is usually the best, but not always. Every once in a while, something far more complex is actually the superior route to where you want to go. That may be the case this week. Make sure you're not being lazy. You have the time and energy to execute a more subtle and intricate solution. Do that. Insisting on taking the shortest path from here to where you want to go will involve so much compromise and settling-for-less that it's just not worth the time you'll save. What's the rush, after all? Take your time and go the long way around. Aries (March 21–April 19) I can't get enough of you Rams. With Mars in Scorpio this week intensifying and exaggerating your best (and worst) qualities, you'll be more popular than ever—among those who already adore you. Of course, those who don't have a strong appreciation for who and what you are aren't likely to learn one this week. Screw them. You're at your best when you simply play to your strengths, honor your admirers, and do stuff to make those who love you happy. Don't waste time and energy trying to win over new fans, at least not right now. You'll just risk alienating your devoted friends, and probably not make any new ones in the process. Taurus (April 20–May 20) Drink coffee at midnight and you may have trouble sleeping, unless you're used to it. That shouldn't come as a surprise. Usually you're more sensible about these things, and don't easily get caught off guard by logical progressions such as these. However, if you're really clueless about natural cause-and-effect reactions, you're likely to get more than a few lessons this week. Judge how effectively and clearly you're looking at your decisions by how often you're surprised by their results. Almost all of them are predictable. If you're shocked by any of them, you may need to get a new pair of lenses through which to view the world; yours are probably too scratched up by now to be useful. Gemini (May 21–June 20) I'm a terrible flirt. I mean, I'm terrible at it. I suck at small talk, gentle hints, or playful banter. You, however, are almost always good at these things. It's up to you to help those of us who are more socially inept to get where we want to go. Use your clever tongue to smooth the way for those who'd trip over obstacles you'd vault with ease. Pimp your friends. You're the ultimate PR person for the people you love. You don't owe them this service, of course, but talking them up and helping them get what they want out of life is an act of true friendship and love. Why withhold it? Cancer (June 21–July 22) Next week's new moon in Scorpio is the perfect time to shake things up permanently in your sex life. For too long you've settled for stuff that actually doesn't do much for you, but you haven't known exactly how to move things along. That ought to change next week, if you have the guts to bring it about. This is an awesome time to get what you really want, though there might be some surprises that come with it. All I can offer you is that tired old saw: Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Paint a picture. You have a harder time transforming yourself than many other signs do, but when you do the changes are more likely to stick. The main thing is that you keep consistently heading in the same direction. I suggest clearly envisioning the person you want to be come springtime, and (metaphorically or concretely) painting a picture of what that would look like, so that whenever you get distracted you can easily remind yourself and adjust course if necessary. Remember, any change you wreak upon yourself is going to be a long journey—holding to your course is the only way you'll ever get anywhere. Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) I'm really good at wasting time, but I sorely resent other people wasting it for me. I have no patience for them. I can squander my own precious minutes, thank you very much. Luckily, it's almost never a Virgo who costs me this precious resource, and for that I'm grateful. However, I suspect that you, like me, are gravely disturbed by so much time-filching. Unfortunately it's likely to be rampant this week. There's no need to put up with it. Don't be unreasonable, but when things get out of hand and start costing you much more time than they're worth, walk away.