Kristen Doute’s Vegiholic

YOU GUYS do you know that Vanderpump Rules is secretly my favorite show on Bravo? Well, it used to be anyway. I CANNOT get into this season. I hate Katie Maloney and her boring ass, matte-lipped Eeyore ass (ASS) trying to be the new Stassi shtick to be exhausting and so boring. I might end up team Lala soon if this shit doesn’t change. I do love me some Tom Schwartz and Stassi is amazing but… Stassi seems a little watered down this season and I don’t know what is up with Schena’s weirdo Twilight contacts and ever shrinking nose. James Kennedy is THE WORST PERSON who has ever been on reality television (maybe even worse than Jacqueline Laurita’s daughter Ashleigheeeyyyyeeeee) but he is not wrong about her changing face. Homegirl is turning into a straight up avatar and it is frightening. Can’t she release some horrible new song so we all have something to laugh at?

James, you sir are NOT good as gold. image source: giphy.com

ANYWAY I have done a complete 180 on Miss Kristen Doute. Back when this show was actually GOOD TELEVISION, and she literally DID, in fact, bang Mr. Jax Taylor, god, I hated her. She was so annoying during the early days of Tom and Ariana and “the Miami girl” but god love her, she MADE the show. After listening to her on Stassi’s podcast, and seeing her in the last season, I kind of love Kristen’s “I’m crazy but a good fucking time” attitude and am impressed with her ability to consume alcohol like a 19 year old at an open bar for the first time. Kristen is a vegetarian and decided to parlay her love for vegetables into food blog. I want to review more stuff from the SUR staff, but unfortunately, these kids just don’t put out much (lololololllllll).

Kristen’s blog is very on brand, in that it is called “Vegiholic” and basically her message is that you should eat healthy and binge drink to live a good life. Balance! Now her website is relatively new, but you guys, it kind of looks shittier than mine. So basically, exactly what you would expect! There aren’t many recipes yet, but I decided to make 2 out of the 3 forkless (what a weird word) salads she features: Caprese Skewers and Belgian Endive Bites.

vegi ingrediences! not pictured: 10 tequila shots.

Now you might be saying to yourself, bitch, caprese skewers are nothing new! First of all, don’t call me a bitch. Second, I KNOW, but Kristen’s current recipe collection is a little shall we say… lacking. There are few recipes with some rants peppered in (one on the fat shaming of Katie and Jax’s sweet girlfriend Brittany that is nice), but none of them are going to blow the doors off the vegetarian (or any for that matter) world. They are nice, basic af recipes you have definitely eaten if not made and I really wouldn’t even think of them as vegetarian except I guess technically they are?

touche… but… do you get paid for this? image source: bravotv.com

First up, I made the caprese skewers. Um, for these “recipes,” Kristen doesn’t actually list the quantities you need or anything. Just the ingredients and the instruction to “add black pepper and you’re ready to roll.” BUT, because there was a picture, I figured it out!

I know they look like drunk Santas, but again, on brand!

They were delicious, but again, not sure how you could really fuck those up. Now, the Belgian Endive Bites were much fancier and involved things like ARUGULA and GORGANZOLA CHEESE, so you know, baller.

endive, you guys! ENDIVE! image source: wetpaint.com

Again, no instructions beyond “mix the ingredients in a bowl.” I think Ms. Doute would benefit from making a VPR underling (like that Faith girl or somebody) actually measure out some stuff for her and write up these recipes while she is out riding the mechanical bull at Saddle Ranch topless or whatever.

these could be on the menu at SUR, no joke.

NOW these were really good! BUT, my husband pointed out, would have been much better/easier to eat if I had chopped the arugula and made an actually vinaigrette (the instructions said to just add lemon juice and olive oil). But they were tasty af and could even be visually appealing if I had spent 2 extra minutes assembling them better. BUT my kid wanted to eat the other half of the pear badly and ain’t nobody got time for this shit, so this is what we got.

All in all, I like that Kristen is at least trying to do SOMETHING that isn’t come out with horrible music like the rest of these loveable heinous people. Maybe down the road someone will help her with this and it could be a real thing! Or… not.