I feel I wanted to kill my boyfriend

I been with this man for 5 years . I caught him cheating before the relationship starts he s into another relationship before me. So I was the other lady. I broke up with him and set them free. But after few. Months he came back again and said they are no longer together . He keep on insisting to get back together , so I said fine , I will play him only. Then tables are turned. I become stupid and fall in my own trap. Ever since I been a victim of domestic violence physical, emotional and psychological abuse. Every situation. I'm getting anxiety attacks. I become irrational , feeling crazy , and start harming my self until I get bruises. I'm so angry to myself because I'm allowing this to happen . I hate him and I wanted to kill him. Because for all the good things I did he keeps on hurting . He's not working and no income not sharing anything at home . He just eats like a monster , what an a****** I have in my life . Maybe I will kill him later