Sunday, September 4, 2011

Space Age Drink Machine

I'll confess that I'm a little late on this one. I could have written about this at the beginning of summer, but I was really friggin' busy and never had time to stop and assemble the material. Hopefully, though, this will still be new to some of you. Also know that this would have been a scoop. I want you all to still give me credit for that.

In fact, at the restaurant where I encountered this machine, the workers proudly told me that it was the first one in the state. Badass.

In short, those old-school drink machines you may know and love--the ones with nozzles for each drink, like so:

may become as much a part of our past as the Stone Age.

That's right, say hello to the new kid in town:

THE SPACE AGE DRINK MACHINE.

Now, I know it doesn't look like much, but that's just 'cause I didn't get a very good picture of it. So I'll have to paint a picture... with words.

(I could just find a picture of it from the internet, but to do so would be to acknowledge that there are other sites out there carrying this story, and I'm just not ready to do that.)

Imagine one of those self-serve ice-cream machines. Now imagine only one dispenser thing.

Or, imagine one of those Coinstar machines:

Or one of those stand-alone ATM Machines:

Except they look like this:

I hope that's clear enough.

Find out more about the machine that will change the entire world after you click read more:

Anyway, the things you'll notice about this machine that separate it from those passé machines in other, lesser restaurants are as follows:

1) It looks friggin' sweet

2) It has only one nozzle

4) It has a touch screen

Astonishingly, there is no third thing, instead skipping right to four. And that's right, you heard me correctly. TOUCH SCREEN.

Here's how it works.

Step One: You fill your drink with ice.

Yeah, that's right. It glows, just like a Space Age Drink Machine should.

Anyway, after you fill it with ice, you turn to the touch screen:

You select your drink. Let's say you choose Sprite. Then, you get another surprise.

That's right, you are finally a member of the elite. You have access to flavors of soft drink your ancestors never dared to dream of. The restaurant I ate at had a helpful guide to all the flavors, but it turned out a little blurry so I might post that later if I can do anything with that. In the meantime:

Quotes from Nimby's Dust Jacket

"Today I learned that Nimby absolutely SHREDS at poetry knowledge."--Sa9jev

"Someone give Nimby a multimillion-dollar film deal right the hell now"--El Chupanibre

"...at which point nimby, as his [sic] his way, hit the thread like a goddamn thunder bolt."--AceJustice

"Little known fact, Nimby received an award for his one-man performance of Hamlet."--Captain Bravo

"I'll ante up with both an English degree and a law degree and approve of both of [Nimby's] improvements. Doubt no more, this is how it should read. ...It's just such wonderfully poetic phrasing."--Lee Manfighter

"I've been in this situation a few times and unfortunately, Nimby and Wong are never around to help." --Switchblade

"Nimby gave you what you need, but I feel I should say something, because I am a real, live English teacher.

Nimby is fucking awesome. That is all."--misskay222

"There's a hooker chained to the wall of [Nimby's] basement"--Mr. Bitterman