As mothers we like to be able to take our children out and do things with them. Things like bowling, going to the park, arcades, parades, events, etc. We want our children to experience all the joys life has to offer. As a mother with PTSD I have a very hard time doing these things. PTSD causes an immense amount of social anxiety. It is hard to even go to the grocery store at times. This past weekend, I was invited to go out bowling with one of my son’s friend and his family. I hummed and hawed over the idea and was really nervous because I had not met his mother in person. We only conversed on Facebook (Facebook is a safe haven for communication for me and others I know with PTSD). I finally decided that I was NOT going to punish my children just because I had a hard time with social settings. I was not going to make them miss out one more time because I have a fear of crowded areas and restaurants. I was going to take them come hell or high water!! We started out by meeting the other family at a local restaurant for dinner. When we got there it was just us. My anxiety was so very high that I could barely sit still in my seat. I was a nervous wreck. BUT, my kids were very excited and I didn’t want to show them how anxious I was. So I put on that hypothetical mask that I use when I try to hide my feelings to my kids. It worked too. They had no clue what was going on. They didn’t know that all I wanted to do was go into the bathroom and cry it out so I could come back and TRY to have a normal fun night. When the other family arrived my palms started to sweat. I was super anxious and wanted to just tell the kids to get in the car so we could just go home. But I didn’t. I stayed and kept a smile on my face. It was so hard though.

I started talking with the other mom and started to feel a little at ease as she was an EXTREMELY nice person. She made me feel comfortable and I was able to talk to her without any issues other than my normal babbling self. THEN the boys started to get a little crazy! They were smashing peanuts all over the table, laughing uncontrollably, and playing with cars on the table while we waited for our meal.

Im sure most of you are thinking, “That’s just boys. They should be allowed to play like that without anyone getting upset”. Yes, I 100% agree. PTSD doesn’t though. It makes you want to crawl out of your own skin when there is uncontrolled chaos and makes you want to curl up in a ball and hide from everything that is loud, obnoxious, or out of your normal comfort zone. After dinner we rode over to the bowling alley. When we walked in it was pretty crowded and my anxiety started to go through the roof. But I stood there for a second while the other family was giving the girl at the counter their shoe sizes and took a deep breath. I had to remind myself that this was about the kids and not about me. I was able to get past that initial anxiety!! It worked!! We started bowling and my son and his friend had their own lane. Everyone was having a blast and it seemed as though my PTSD was at bay for the time being UNTIL……my son started to get upset because he thought he wasn’t doing good. This is where I started to get that major anxiety again. I wanted to just say “Lets go home” . Instead, I whispered nicely in his ear. I said, “It’s ok if you don’t win. Mommy is losing too, but I am having fun”. Although I was having a good time, I don’t really think I can say it was real fun due to being way out of my comfort zone. It definitely made him relax and continue to have fun. We continued to bowl and it was actually a great time. Once we were all done, we said our good byes for the night and went our separate ways. When we got in the car my son was still on his little high from having a good time. He said to me, “Mom, you are the best mom ever. Thank you for taking us tonight. It was so much fun”. That right there is when I knew I did the right thing.

I realized then that I need to try to continue to fight through this crappy thing called PTSD for my children. I needed to keep pushing through this and let my kids be kids more often than not. I needed to put my personal struggles aside for them as much as I possibly could.

This stuff may seem to you like it is just normal to allow kids to be themselves. And yes, it is normal. But for a mother with PTSD it can be a VERY hard thing to do. I am trying and that is the best I can do for now!

I am a mother of 2 amazing children. My daughter is 12 and my son is 6. I absolutely love them with all of my heart and would do anything to make sure they have a loving and caring mother to be by their side.

As I have stated in a previous post, I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from my deployment to Iraq in 2003 until 2005. PTSD makes you feel like you want to disassociate yourself from the world. It causes frustration, depression, isolation, insomnia, anger outbursts, anxiety, and a multitude of other symptoms. It can make you feel like something bad is always going to happen. PTSD also brings about a symptom that I wish did not exist. It is almost impossible to feel emotions like someone without PTSD would.It is VERY hard to be a parent with PTSD. Before I left for Iraq, I used to always let my daughter be a kid who needs to learn to fall and get back up. I used to let her run free on playgrounds while I watched, and guided her in areas that may not be age appropriate, but we all (as parents) want to let our kids push the limits to see how well they do! Now, I don’t even take my children to the park, my husband does. My son is a very hyper child who loves to be a boy and play swords, climb things, get dirty, run around like crazy, and just be a boy! I can’t watch him do these things because I am ALWAYS fearful with everything he does that he is going to get hurt. I was never like this in the past like I said, but now it is something that affects me greatly.

I am pretty sure that everyone experiences a form or anxiety at some point in their lives. Some of you multiple times and some live with anxiety disorders. With PTSD, your anxiety never goes away. Loud noises WILL trigger anxiety. Fluctuation in a person’s voice with an uncertain tone, crowds, stores, and the list goes on and on. For me even a question from my children while I am in the middle of doing something will cause anxiety. It is a hard thing to deal with. I have to put myself in “Time Outs” like we do to our children because the anxiety will get that bad and what happens with high anxiety levels? Anger.

If I don’t step away during an anxiety attack and just breathe for a few minutes, my anxiety can turn into an unwanted anger. I hate to admit it but my children have been on the receiving end of this anger. Up until a few years ago I had a hard time distinguishing when the anxiety would turn to anger. I would yell at my kids at the top of my lungs for just being kids. My husband would step in and scold me for getting mad at the kids which in turn would cause more anger. I believe he would do it so that my anger would be redirected at him. Now, I can recognize (after a lot of VERY HARD WORK) when this anxiety could turn into anger. I step away now BEFORE I get angry. And in turn, my children don’t get scolded or feel unloved by my actions. This does not mean I don’t struggle with snapping at them from time to time and not being as attentive as I should be. I still struggle every day to NOT snap at my kids when chaos ensues.

Then there is depression. Depression MAJORLY affects your ability to parent. When I get in my depressed modes (I still have yet to figure out how to get out of the funks) all I want to do is hide in my room and do nothing. I just want to curl up into a ball in my bed and put on the television and zone out on Netflix. I don’t want to be bothered. I don’t want those sweet hugs from my children and husband. (Fortunately I have a loving and caring husband who when he is home allows me to have my alone time.) What I do though, is put on a good front. If Blake comes in and says, “Mommy can I give you a hug?” I always say, “Of course” and give him a hug. Is it wanted? I always want hugs from my children, but sometime not at that very moment. Do I hate my child because I do not want to show affection? Absolutely NOT. I love them with all of my heart.

I’m sure some of you are reading this and thinking to yourselves, WOW this mother is heartless. Trust me, I think that too. But here is what I do to make sure my CHILDREN don’t think that. I fake it until I make it. That is right. Fake it. I play with my kids and keep all the anxiety balled up inside until I have time to decompress at night. I give hugs when Im depressed because THEY don’t deserve a crappy mother. I walk away when my anxiety gets too much because Delanie and Blake do not need to be yelled at for being kids. And, I tuck them in at night to make sure they both know how much I love them, even if it seems at times that it is a flawed love.

I still try to live a normal life even with PTSD. I do activities with my children. I take them to events and movies even though I hate crowds. I play with them in the backyard as long as my anxiety doesn’t get in the way. I snuggle with them on the couch while watching movies even when I feel I want to be alone. We sit down for family dinners. We do EVERYTHING normal families do. I just live with struggles that I have to deal with every day. I work hard to make sure my children don’t struggle because I do. PTSD is a very tough thing to live with but it IS possible. We are a happy family 90% of the time and we are working towards that 95% mark, because let’s face it, we can’t all be perfect 100% of the time!

I grew up on Cape Cod. It is my home and my safe haven. Every chance I get to go home I am on that flight. Currently I live in Navarre, Florida and my life is so different from my days on the cape. I became a mom at the age of 19 to a beautiful little girl named Delanie. She was my world, my everything, and I gladly gave up everything that normal 19 year olds did to take care of her beautiful self and protect her from the harms of this world. Little did I know, the craziness that the world was carrying was going to take me away from her. In November of 2003 I was called to war. I was sent away from my then 18 month old daughter to go fight in a war that I never thought I would be a part of. I had to bring her to my parents in Florida where she would stay during my entire deployment. I was an Army Medic. I was deployed to Baghdad, Iraq in 2003. While I was there I was pulled from my Battalion and attached to a group of soldiers that ran security missions all around the country, but mostly in Baghdad. I also did a rotation at the 31st CSH at the Green Zone in the heart of Baghdad while there was extremely heavy activity in the city. It was a long and tiring deployment. When I came home from Iraq things were very different for me. My family life was not the same. It was very hard to connect with my daughter and my parents. I knew something was wrong but had no clue. I tried to be mom again but it just didn’t work out the way I thought it would. I then asked my parents to take her back for because both her and I had major adjustment issues. She stayed with them for another 6 months until I met my husband and he helped me get on my feet enough to be a good solid mother to her again. After a few years of struggling to live a normal life and hold a job like a normal civilian I decided to seek help. That is when I found out I had PTSD. It was a pretty hard thing to swallow. I still hate it, but deal with it the best that I can. It definitely holds me back with a lot of things in my life but I am NOW determined to fight back!!! I have been a photographer for as long as I can remember. Photography is my release. It is my healing tool. Every time I grab my camera it is almost as if my PTSD doesn’t exist, even if only for a short period of time. My PTSD will never go away, but I believe that I have found something that helps me find solace in my chaotic life. I know first hand how very hard it is to talk about why I have PTSD. I always just tell people it is from my deployment. My goal is to reach out to other veterans with PTSD, and through my photography, tell their stories and hopefully help them heal some along the way. I am currently working on a photographic book about the emotions that PTSD brings up in Veterans. I already have many Veterans with PTSD that I have spoken to that are 100% willing to participate as they trust that another Veteran with PTSD will be honest and real with their stories. I have many interviews done already, and a few in the works as we speak. Although, I do need about 100 total Veterans to make a full book. Funding this project will bring light to an unspoken problem with today’s veterans, including myself, and hopefully will reach other veterans not in participation to see that it is ok to share our stories, no matter how it’s told. The funds will go towards buying materials needed to accomplish each shot, travel to get to each location for each shot, any necessary equipment, spec books so that I can show them to publishers (or even self publish), and any other production related costs. If you feel that you would like to support this project please click on the link provided in this post and donate. It will not only help get this project rolling but it could potentially help many other veterans with PTSD along the way!! You can check out my work at: www.melissajthurber.com If you would like to make a donation to support this book: www.gofundme.com/fundingforptsdbook