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Be the boss of you

by Tsh Oxenreider

Tsh is the founder of this blog and is currently traveling around the world with her husband and 3 kids. Her latest book is Notes From a Blue Bike, and believes a passport is one of the world's greatest textbooks.

As you start this week, may you be courageous and bold enough to do the things that are good and healthy for you, the things you know make you a better grownup and more in to who you’re made to be.

I distinctly remember this one evening after visiting some family friends late into the night, when I was soundly sleeping in the backseat, my head propped on the side of the car and my body rolled up in a self-made cocoon. I’m guessing I was about 8 or 9, and we had just pulled up into our driveway; my dad turned off the ignition and my mom gathered my younger brother, also sleeping, in her arms.

“Tsh. Tsh. Time to wake up. We’re home,” my mom said, and then she turned toward the house with her arms full. I wondered—if I sat still long enough, would one of my parents return to the car to carry me, too? Maybe they’ll think I’m sound asleep and didn’t hear them. Or maybe they’ll have pity on my too-big body and schlep my dead weight over their shoulder.

A few seconds passed of stillness and silence, and no one came back for me. This is when I realized: I was too big to be carried in any more. I was growing up, and part of that meant not getting to be a baby. Most of the time, that was cool. But at 11 p.m., when I wanted someone else to do the getting out, the walking up the driveway, the clothes changing, and the teeth brushing, I was bummed that I didn’t get an official memo when that part of my life ended. Somehow, I blinked and missed that phase between being small enough to be babied and big enough to now do some big things myself.

This still continues all the time in my life—the kids are in bed, the kitchen is a mess from dinner, and I wonder where the grownup is who wouldn’t mind cleaning it for me. The bills come, and no one but Kyle or myself can make sure they’re paid. If I want to do well in work, I have to crack open the laptop, make the necessary connections, and teach myself new things.

Slow and steady, I’m learning to be the boss of me.

I don’t mean that in an irresponsible, selfish way, where I raze down anyone in my way, or I disregard any form of authority in my life. I simply mean that part of maturity is owning up to the fact that I own my choices, my actions, and my ideas, and that I can’t blame them on anyone else.

And if you think about it, there’s a lot of freedom in this. In tandem with my husband, we can choose what to spend our money on, how to fill in the calendar boxes, and what to put in our fridge. If I choose to sleep in or wake up early… well, either one is my choice. I decide how to start my day.

This also means I have the freedom to say no to the things that just aren’t best for me and my family, and yes to the things that are. Being a grownup means we technically could exit the freeway and head to the airport to board the next flight, bound for wherever. But because we love our kids and want them to eat, we choose to spend that allocated money on groceries instead. There’s a time and place for the airport, of course, but we have a clan to nurture, and those needs take priority.

I’m the boss of me. No one else forces me to make my choices. There’s a lot of responsibility in that. But it’s also pretty darn freeing.

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Comments

Well said, Tsh. As you point out, saying “no” is an important part of being your own boss. I’ve recently been using the phrase, “it’s not a good fit” in order to prioritize my life and manage my time. For example, I got an invite to start a weekly routine of facials with my girlfriends. That would be fun, but between work and my young family, such a time commitment would not be a good fit right now. I’m being my own boss by not letting other people’s priorities become my own.

just what i needed. we’re expecting our first this autumn and i’m starting to make the rounds of ‘baby books’ we have baby advice coming from every direction. but we’re adults and we get to decide how to parent, even if no one else agrees. or if everyone else agrees!

More often than not, we all just want to be kids again, just to have all that freedom and worry about noting. But you’re so darn right. Being all grown up means freedom. It means possibilities, smart decisions and free choices. It means not being afraid of what people will say and will someone judge you – you just want to take care of your family and your loved ones. Yes, it can seems hard sometimes – but it’s so worth it.

Great thoughts on this Monday morning! I have to say that I often wonder when the adult is going to come and clean up my house – but then remember that is me (although if anyone has a cleaning fairy, please let me know!). And I am finally realizing that it is ok to make the right choices for my family, and not be concerned with how others will react to those choices. It took me a while to realize that if I continue making decisions for those around me, and not for me, others might be happier, but I would be miserable. I had to accept that I can’t be in control of someone else’s happiness, only my own.

this has been so true of me this year. My first year as a mom was so wonderful, but hard and eye opening. Some days I didn’t feel like I was the boss of me any more…but my child was! But I love my daughter and I want to be a mother, and raise her intentionally and invest in her life. That means I need to take the “hard” with it…like screaming tantrums and getting kicked in the face while I sleep.

Oh, good stuff!! I was just starting to feel guilty/weird for saying no to a commitment that feels overwhelming in this season of life. But for the good of myself and my family, I think I will continue to say a guilt-free “no thank you, not right now.”

My husband is from New Zealand. We have been living in America now for 8 years and have come to the decision to move to NZ hopefully in 6-8 months. There are many reasons behind this. This is a great opportunity, but I got a lot of guilt and anger from my side of the family…mainly how could I take my kids away like this. Anyway, thanks for the blog….a good reminder that my husband and I are the boss of our lives. We love our family, but cannot stay here out of guilt/control.

Good for you. I know it’s so hard to disappoint extended family, even if you’ve thought through your decision and know it’s best for your clan. It’s a fine line between being gracious and showing love and still sticking to your decision, isn’t it?

I was waiting for an adult to put away all the costco food and wash the dirty dishes last night. Everyone else left to watch a tv show. The dirty dishes weren’t going away so I had to the grown up and clean up.

Agree! Sometimes I expect/want my husband to sweep in and be the parent, but I realize that isn’t a fair expectation. We are in it together, we are the bosses together. We can relieve each other, but have t rally together.

A great reminder as we officially start summer break today. I will TRY standing strong to make choices that I think are best for my family and I, not to cave into my people-pleasing tendencies…those usually wear us out.

How did you know that this was JUST what I needed to read this morning. Because, yes, even at 37, with 4 kids and a loving husband, sometimes I really just don’t want to be the grown up anymore. And that thing… about the late night and messy kitchen… that’s SO me! I appreciate your little pep-talk this morning!

Oh, so true, too. There’s a huge difference between being responsible and being a perfectionist, isn’t there? The best kinds of bosses understand how real life works—and that fun is just as important as work.

I can remember feeling that tension from childhood: wanting to grow up so fast in one moment, and missing being “babied” in the next. Who would have guessed it doesn’t go away in “grownuphood”? Thanks for the reminder that responsibility is important and that there’s still freedom in the midst of it.

It’s almost like you’re talking about getting us to be responsible human beings…being the boss of me, means taking charge and not just letting my worse part take over and do nothing. Now the trick is getting my kids to be the boss of themselves

So true…I definitely have my days when I want to be ‘carried’….especially when it’s midnight and the kitchen is a mess I also have my days of wishing I was Mary Poppins and could just make things fly back into place, but alas, that hasn’t happened yet either.

I am finishing up my very first Whole 30 tomorrow. I am definitely the boss of me when it comes to the food I take into my body. I have control and I feel better than I ever have in my life. I am also going to make a schedule this week and stick to it. I work from home and I get sidetracked so easily. I am going to do what I need to do when I need to do it!

Thanks for this post and for your blog and podcasts. They have helped me so much!

Hi, your piece has really touched a cord with me. I can feel my outlook changing as I write this. The last few months have been hard for me & now I can see a way forward. I am in charge of my life and that is great! Thanks for your inspiring words.

I can definitely relate… in a new city where all my new friends are 10 years younger than me (I’m 35) I am running into this right and left. I’m just not willing or able to do everything that comes my way anymore, and I feel more clear than ever on who I am and who I am not! Not so much at 25, and I’m sure I will grow in that even more from here on out, but it has been a challenge to try to be loving and gracious to new friends while still maintaining some integrity with both my schedule and finances! And trying not to be selfish but think of them as well… while still being true to who I am.

Well, I am starting with the most basic of things…waking myself up when I say I want to. Sounds easy to most of you probably, but man it’s tough for me. No matter how much sleep I get, I can always concoct a ready to stay in bed longer in the morning! So, if I’m my own boss and I want to accomplish certain things, I want to own up to the fact that some of those things are best done before the kids wake up, and the rest of my day will go more smoothly if I just.get.up.
I just recently read a short ebook called Maximize Your Mornings (http://www.inspiredtoaction.com/wp-content/uploads/kat/ITA_Maximize_Your_Mornings.pdf) and it is really giving me some tools I have needed for a while – how to become the boss of me…that’s a BIG part of it.

Hi Tsh-thanks for this post. It’s helped me to get off my butt and get some things done when I did not “feel” like doing anything. Even if I’m tired from work and come home to a moody teen, I have to choose how I will act and respond.
Blessings!!!

Hi Tsh — Thanks for this post. I feel like I was meant to find you and this site when I was struggling with a work decision. I ultimately decided NOT to travel yet again this week. I immediately felt clarity and relief as I realized I wasn’t trapped, but simply responsible for my own choices. It was a powerful moment. Also a lesson I seem to learn over and over again. I’m incredibly grateful for your words. — Skye