Girl #1: Hi!Girl #2: I'm sorry I couldn't make your party. I was at Jiddy's birthday in Bryant Park.Girl #1: It's okay.Girl #2: How are you?Girl #1: I've had a hell of a week. My dog's in the hospital.Girl #2: Which one?Girl #1: The one that's alive.

Diva #1: So I am not sure what to do about her.Diva #2: What's her birthday?Diva #1: I don't know, sometime in June.Diva #2: Oh oh oh! Hold up, she is a Gemini!Diva #1: Yeah, she is.Diva #2: You never trust a Gemini. I never trust 'em. Girl, I can't believe that you trusted a Gemini.

Girl #1: So your birthday is tomorrow?Girl #2: Yeah, it should have been today but I was too much of a fat-ass to fit through my mom's vagina.Girl #1: What?Girl #2, yelling: It should have been today but I was too much of a fat-ass to fit through my mom's vagina.Girl #1: Bummer.

Middle aged Latina to Latino boy, eating: Happy birthday! Look at you, surrounded by all these women on your birthday. You are going to be so nice when you grow up. You have five sisters. All the men in your family are grown up, and you got stuck with all the girls. So you're going to be so nice to girls when you get older. Right? (boy is silent)Middle aged Latina: Right?(boy is silent)Middle aged Latina: You're going to be nice girls when when you grow up, right?Latino boy: Yeah, sure! Whatever!

Suit #1: So I said to them “happy anniversary, here's your cemetery plot.”Suit #2 (astonished): What? You really bought them cemetery plots for their anniversary?Suit #1: Yeah. I knew he was gonna drop soon, so I bought them.Suit #2: Well, I guess it's the gift that keeps on giving.

Hipster dude: So what was the special going away gift he gave you?Hot Latin chick: He let me sign his nuts this time! He's so fucking hot.Hipster dude: Um…this time?Hot Latin chick: Yeah, for my birthday I signed his penis.Hipster dude: Stupid question…did you do anything else with it?Hot Latin chick: Dude? I'm not a slut! …jeez, man.

Frat boy: You know what I should get you for your birthday?Girlfriend: What?Frat boy: A funnel.Girlfriend: A funnel?Frat boy: Yeah, a funnel. So you can piss in a corner.Girlfriend: I could also use it to funnel beer!Frat boy: You'd have to wash it first.