Trapped

I fell pregnant by mistake. I had just got back together with my oh and decided it was a mistake. I was going to finish with him the day I found out I was pregnant. I didn't go through with it. I considered and even booked a termination but cancelled it the day before.The GP recommended I come off anti depressants which I did. I have been ok but now find myself sinking back into a depression. My relationship with oh is not good. He annoys me and disappoints me. He is very excited and has been very supportive but I'm just not interested.I can't say I'm happy or excited about this baby. My family buy and knit clothes for it and I just politely smile not really interested. I just feel so trapped and hate what my life has become. I always saw kids in my future but I'm just not happy. I feel so guilty and bad for feeling like this. I think of all the ladies who can't conceive and I feel like such a cow but I can't snap out of it. I don't know what to do.

Have you got any family or friends who can help or support you? Are you putting on a brave face in front of other people when, perhaps, you need to let people know how you are feeling? Can you speak to your health visitor or go back to the doctor?

I am not sure what else to say. I hope some other MN's with more experience can give you some better advice.

My circumstances were utterly different to yours. However I spent all of my second pregnancy terrified that I was going to be as depressed as I was after I had my first baby. I spent the entire pregnancy crying, dreading having a baby, couldn't buy clothes for my baby etc. Everyone was really happy for me, but I cried myself to sleep.

I went to my GP who suggested I had pre-natal depression. Looking back on it, I wish I'd gone earlier - I went 2 weeks before I was due. It was good to talk it through with someone not family. I wish I'd had a happier pregnancy, but knowing there was support there really helped.

All I can suggest is talking to your GP - if you have a practise with several you may want to try several GP until you find one that you can talk to, who takes you seriously. Please don't feel you are the only one who has ever felt this way.

tro yes I have a good and supportive family but the way I feel just now I don't know what they could do to help me out of this state of mind.

didireally I know that I should probably go back on my anti-depressants but I don't really want to whilst I'm pregnant and planning to breast feed. PND is something else I'mTerrified of and have pretty much convinced myself I'm going to get.

Contact your midwife and asked to be referred to your hospital's perinatal mental health team if they have one.

I think counselling would be of more benefit to you than ADs from the sounds of things... You don't want to be with your partner, that's why you feel trapped! You can't medicate yourself into staying with him.

You will love your baby; don't worry, not feeling a bond before it's born is no indication of how you'll feel afterwards.

Also, you can do this on your own if you want to. Please don't feel that you have to stay with a man you don't love for the rest of your life- you don't.

tether I don't know if I can do it alone. Plus I worry about having no control if the baby goes with him for access or whatever ( I know getting well ahead of myself!). I don't want the baby being around his dodgy family and not being able to do anything about it. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Please do try and access some counselling though- I found it invaluable when pg; it really helps you to see things clearly and separate hormonally induced depression from actual situations which are making you depressed IYSWIM.

You don't have to make any decisions yet, but remember that you are not trapped forever.

Most of us have a vision in our minds of how life will go and when things don't go to 'plan' it can take a while to come to terms with it so don't feel that this is how you will feel for the rest of your life, it's just taking you a while to adjust. Someone once said to me that life is a journey and sometimes we take an unplanned route and instead of ending up in Italy, you end up in Spain and its not that you don't like Spain it's just that you expected to be somewhere else so it takes a while to adjust to the differences. Hope that makes sence to you? Please don't put pressures on yourself (although most mothers do) think realistically and do not be scared to ask for help, I wish I had! Depression can give us such a foggy head that it's hard to know what to do for the best so get as much support as you can xxx