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Choose Your Own Foodventure III: Undercover Restaurant Critic!

by Michael Y. Park

on 11/01/13 at 09:00 AM

Or: My Misadventures as a Secret New York Restaurant Reviewer, in Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Form

I've mentioned a couple times in passing that I used to do the undercover restaurant-critic thing for a New York publication for a couple years. Nowadays, the trend seems to be toward writing as if you live the life of the protagonist of a TV commercial for Amex or high-end Scotch, but my experiences weren't quite like that.

It's not as romantic as you think. You got a $75 (later $125) budget, basically had to get your impressions in during a single visit, and then had to cram in your insights into a hundred words or so while filling out a rigid template the publication adhered to. (You know how fun it is to keep asking restaurateurs if they take Diners Club cards? Not much.)

The worst, though, was that you always had the sneaking suspicion the editors saved the primo spots to review for themselves. I got roach traps and misguided ventures by well-meaning folks who had no business getting into the food business.

So I was thinking about describing it to you all, but instead I decided to turn it into another of my Choose Your Own Foodventure posts. (For 2009's Choose Your Own Foodventure I, go here. For 2011's Choose Your Own Foodventure II: Which Celebrity Chef Are You?, go here.) So this way, you too can be an undercover food critic! The various story thread are based on some of the actual experiences I had working, some more loosely than others.

The rules are pretty self-explanatory, but if you were a kid after 1979, you probably already know what to do.

The Foodventure starts after the jump!

1. It's nearly the dawn of a new decade, 2009, and you're both hungry and need some cash. So you nearly leap out of your beanbag chair (yes, beanbag chair) when your voicemail beeps. It's your editor, who has an assignment for you.

"It's that time again," she says. "You've got a choice of four: Tahini Tahiti near Wall Street, Hom's Chinese in the East Village, Nagel's Steakhouse in Midtown, or O'Hara's Haggis out in Brooklyn. Remember: We use a three-star rating system. One star bad, three stars great."