Adventures in Womanhood

the (real) perks of being a wallflower: (folie a) deux

They’re all cajoling me to have one round of puff-puff-pass. I decline politely, meaning without once mentioning lung cancer or how gross the human mouth is. He leans over me, token hanging limply from his fingers. He’s way ahead of the game of bloodshot eyes and blackened pulmonary parenchyma. “I’m not into the peer pressure thing,” he confides, “but you’re seriously not gonna have one? Come on.” I don’t think peer pressure means what you think it means.

My friends’ tagline should be “Doing all this shit so you don’t have to”.

My problem isn’t that I don’t have stories to tell; it’s that I don’t know how to tell them.

I spent this morning coming up with alternatives to the afore-mentioned game. Puff-pass-pass-pass-pass is my favourite so far.

I don’t get hang overs (knock on wood).

This morning I woke up before anyone else and cleaned. I like to feel useful. I discarded cigarette butts like some people discard sex partners. I threw out drink cups and empty Red Bull cans with what can only be described as a malicious glee. I wished there were cigarettes in the empty cartons I crumpled so satisfyingly. I wished there was tea somewhere.

secret: the real reason people try to get everyone else drunk is so no sober people are around to tell tales.

secret: sometimes drunk people tell tales too.

the best drink-ups: are invitation-only in a small dark room. floor seating. at least three bottles of alcohol. several strategically placed ashtrays. an impressive sound system that doesn’t leave when the dj does. ventilation and clothing optional.

Alcohol has a habit of doing away with awkwardness. Or at the very least dressing it up in heels and fishnets.

hipster social tip: the goal in answering ‘what would you like to hear’ is to name an artiste you think they couldn’t possibly know/have.

Being a wallflower is a great way to spend a party if you’re not weirded out by watching other people lose their inhibitions. Some people can’t handle watching other people act drunk while they’re sober; I find it morbidly fascinating. But then, I’m a natural voyeur.