Me: No. Not menopause. Don’t say menopause, because first of all, menopause comes later, and second of all, fuck you.

My Pussy: [Inaudible.]

Me: That’s not funny. Don’t try to be cute now, because I don’t want to hear it. And I’ll tell you something else: we are never going to have any symptoms of menopause — not a one. Particularly anything that has to do with dryness of any sort. I hold my coochie to a higher standard, and that standard is not dry, goddammit!

My Pussy: [Inaudi–]

Me:And another thing! I’d better not find any gray hairs down there. No way, because that would be creepy and disgusting, and it’s never going to happen. Especially not while I’m getting out of the shower. And toweling off. This morning.

My Pussy: [Inaudible.]

Me: No. No, it didn’t. It didn’t happen, and it’s not going to happen. Ever! Do you hear me?!

My Pussy: …

Me: Look, I’m sorry. I really am. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. It’s just that I’m finally getting around to forgiving you for all this infertility stuff, and now you’re giving me menopause and gray pubes. Honestly, I don’t understand why. Why do you have to rub it in like that?

My Pussy: [Inaudible.]

Me: Hahaha! OK, I have to admit. That one was funny. Oh, Pussy, how can I stay mad at you?

My Pussy: [Inaudible.]

Me: Yeah, well, you may be cute, but you’re still getting waxed tomorrow.

~~~

A Betty White SNL sketch for those who can’t get enough of dry muffins.