Every piece is a girl

After years of playing chess, I have just realized something. Every piece in the great war-like game of chess is a girl except the kings (of which i've come to suspect are polygamists but that's another topic).

Now you may be reading this and wondering something like "How can every peice be a female? I mean, the queen is obvious, but bishops? Rooks? Knights? Surely we haven't been sacrificing a woman every time we trade pawns, right?"

Well, let me explain. As you can infer, the queen is obviously a girl. And as many of you know, pawns start on the 2nd rank (or 7th if you're playing black), and if they're lucky enough to make it to the 8th rank (or 1st), they can be promoted from to the lowly position of pawnhood, to being like her majesty, the queen. Now this is where thinking comes into play (and you're a chess player I presume so you're good at thinking), if a pawn has the right to promote to becoming a queen, doesn't the pawn have to be a girl first?

Now if that last point suprised you a little bit, this next one will knock your socks off. If the pawn is a girl, and the pawn has the right to become a rook, knight, or bishop too, then wouldn't they be women too? I mean, when the pawns promote, they don't look any different than the rest of them, so how can they be different genders? The king and queen are both royalty, but they look different because the king is a boy and the queen is a girl. However the promoted pawns don't look different than their friends who were born bishops, rooks, and knights!

So therefore, I believe we can all conclude that all the peices on the chessboard (except the king) are girls (unless the queen is a drag queen, in which case my whole argument is worthless, but I'm pretty sure the original makers of the game made her majesty a girl).