The cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, practitioners of magic arts, the idolaters and all the liars have packed into the debate hall at Hofstra University for our very first general presidential debate of the season. It’s official: we’re in Hell!

Will Hillary Clinton let on that she’s familiar with the concept of email? Will Donald Trump waggle his loose head until it explodes into one million angry bees? Let’s find out together, right here.