28.6.08

So It's just one of those days. You know when you just feel down and don't feel like talking about it, at least not with the people your with?? Well, today is that day for me.
I'm just so bummed and I'm just feeling like bored with my life. To all of you busy mom's out there, I know this doesn't sound like much of a problem... but to me, it is. I am in the last 2 months before college... this should be the time of my life.
but its just... not. It's uneventful, boring, and lonely. There, I said it, I am lonely. Sure I guess I have friends. But I kind of suck w/ friendships and tend to get attached to one friend and spend most of my time with that person. Some people may call this a best friend- and I normally do. But lately, actually about 50% of the time, the friendship just feels empty. My life just feels empty... like I'm constantly searching for that one thing that will finally make me happy. The problem is, i don't know what that thing is. I just feel unhappy a lot, and maybe I'm being dramatic because it's one of those days, but its how i feel at the moment.
So what's bothering me today is the fact that I was looking forward to this weekend for along time- because my parents are out of town and I am on my own. I imagined having friends over, partying, staying out late; its the freedom I am always searching for. However, it has turned out to be a total bust. 2 nights in a row now- nights, where I happen to have an entire house to myself to do whatever I want- I have been home alone... in my sweats watching movies ... alone.
I hate that word... alone. It just makes me sad. I love people- I am a people person. I love being with friends and having a good time w/ people. Sometimes it's nice to be alone... but not in situations like this.
I'm just missing that one person that I can call and he/she will sit on the couch and be bored w/ me, or even better take me out and tell me "you are not sitting here alone on a Friday or Saturday night." But I don't.. my so-called "Best friend" is completely obsessed with her boyfriend, and suddenly it went from being a trio (the 3 of us used to always hang out- pretty much every night) to them embracing their independence, and leaving me... alone. And unfortunately, I spent so much time with them in the past, that I kind of let my other friendships fall through the cracks. So I guess the joke is on me.
I just don't know what my problem is, why I get so wrapped up into one person who doesn't make me happy 50% of the time. I'm just so afraid of being alone.. and that's exactly how I ended up anyway.
I don't know, I'm just gonna drown my sorrows and self-pity.... wish me luck.

2
comments:

I've always had a problem with this - and I'm not really sure what to tell you, as I still do it now. The thing is though, good friendships don't disappear because you've been distant for awhile. I went to college 2 hours away from home and rarely went home - yet my best friends today are 3 of my best friends from high school, despite the distance, the friendship stuck. You may not know what those friendships will be for you in the end, so the important thing I think is to try and enjoy your friendships wherever you find them, while they are there.

There will always be moments of loneliness and right now on the brink of you going to college it may be worse than ever - people have a tendency to burn bridges without noticing at times like this because they don't know how to cope with the idea of starting a new life. So I see you have a couple options - try to enjoy your time alone doing the things you like to do that maybe your friends don't - or call up some of those other friends and see if they are free to hang - maybe one of them is sitting at home alone, too right now, wondering why she's all alone with only 2 months left of the summer before college...

I've always had a similar problem. I was pretty lonely in high school because I just wasn't a partier. I worked a lot, and in general I didn't feel like I had a real "connection" with the people I considered my closer friends. I think personally I make friends easily, but I don't tend to get as close to people. My husband on the other hand still has close friends that he's had since middle school, but when it comes to meeting new people, he's not as outgoing.

And like Jen said, you will have times like that. I myself have had 2 really good friends that i did have a real connection with, at different times, and both have moved away and we don't get to keep in touch that well. It's sad really, but ultimately your family is going to become more important to you. I don't know if I made any sense with this, but I just want you to know you're definately not alone.