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Ohio University Libraries, E.W. Scripps Papers, MSS 117, Series 4, http://media.library.ohiou.edu/scripps
April 5 J 1909.
/
J F(
,j, '-
"A DAMNED OLD CRANK."
----------------------
IEhe other day a fam.ous a.nd notorious slJiritualist or clair- .I.
voyant came to San Diego and for several days did a tflri ving business
,. ~
~xcnan,Sll1g guesses .Lor t~le dollars of the credul::ms.
My oldest son1 Jim, who is just breakin::; into business in
a serious way I and who is pretty a.."'1Xious just now to find out when a
tJusiness boom is gair1€:; tc> set In a:.:;a111 and the revenues of our business
111CreaSe J ' .. vent to consult the faker.
Jim didn't learn anythil~~; about business J I uncle nrt, and , but
~;.;ot the usual dose of information about himself personally I his fam­il:
r affairs and the usual advice to a young man of business.
In order to convince Jim that he (the faker) had .n.. eculiar
and occult opportunities for learnin::; what the future is to be the
wizard told him some tl1ings about the past B-'1d t~e present that any maXl
W:10 knHvv that Jim's surname was Scripps could have told him. Of
course it didn't occur to Jim til at on account of his o"m peculiarly
large stature, st:::sngth of' body, his habits of dress, coupled 'Nith the
fact that he was the son of a man who is locall:{ conspicuous, would
make it verJ easy for him to be "ti pped off II to the faker 10n[::; before
he got from tile ante-room to the sanctum.
Nor did it occur I perhaps I to Jim that hi s 01J1.:' l-:i!~; heal thji
body, open face I and roug..1-} and readJ dress iVotild invite from a shre'v1d
observer a certain amount of pretended bl'lnt candor.
Jim told me somethin;~~ abou.t the int.erview· 7 1)ut veri little J --­hut
he told me how the faker characterized me, his subject's fat~6r.
Said the faker "Your father is a crank, in fact he is a danned old
crank! II
"Vlhy didn't you swat him O!1e,
/ /

Ohio University Libraries, E.W. Scripps Papers, MSS 117, Series 4, http://media.library.ohiou.edu/scripps
April 5 J 1909.
/
J F(
,j, '-
"A DAMNED OLD CRANK."
----------------------
IEhe other day a fam.ous a.nd notorious slJiritualist or clair- .I.
voyant came to San Diego and for several days did a tflri ving business
,. ~
~xcnan,Sll1g guesses .Lor t~le dollars of the credul::ms.
My oldest son1 Jim, who is just breakin::; into business in
a serious way I and who is pretty a.."'1Xious just now to find out when a
tJusiness boom is gair1€:; tc> set In a:.:;a111 and the revenues of our business
111CreaSe J ' .. vent to consult the faker.
Jim didn't learn anythil~~; about business J I uncle nrt, and , but
~;.;ot the usual dose of information about himself personally I his fam­il:
r affairs and the usual advice to a young man of business.
In order to convince Jim that he (the faker) had .n.. eculiar
and occult opportunities for learnin::; what the future is to be the
wizard told him some tl1ings about the past B-'1d t~e present that any maXl
W:10 knHvv that Jim's surname was Scripps could have told him. Of
course it didn't occur to Jim til at on account of his o"m peculiarly
large stature, st:::sngth of' body, his habits of dress, coupled 'Nith the
fact that he was the son of a man who is locall:{ conspicuous, would
make it verJ easy for him to be "ti pped off II to the faker 10n[::; before
he got from tile ante-room to the sanctum.
Nor did it occur I perhaps I to Jim that hi s 01J1.:' l-:i!~; heal thji
body, open face I and roug..1-} and readJ dress iVotild invite from a shre'v1d
observer a certain amount of pretended bl'lnt candor.
Jim told me somethin;~~ abou.t the int.erview· 7 1)ut veri little J --­hut
he told me how the faker characterized me, his subject's fat~6r.
Said the faker "Your father is a crank, in fact he is a danned old
crank! II
"Vlhy didn't you swat him O!1e,
/ /
OLD CRAl'TI(--2.
the reply, "Because 1 Dad, J had given up three dollars for what
I could learn, and I 'llanted to get ny money I s worth in the five minutes
for which I had paid, and what he said about you ~Nas in the first part
of his talk. If I had swatted him I vrouln It ha,v8 got anythiI1(.£ for my
three dollars."
My son, Jim, is as canny: about mone:r as any proverbial
Scotcr:unan ..
But really I see no reason ",'1hy Jim should have swatted him for
calling me "a da."Illled old crarJc t II or vlhy I should feel hurt because Jim
didn't swat him.
'l:flere are some truths about a man that he doeE~ not like to
hear, but there are also some truths about himself which are neither
urrpleasant nor uninstr~ctive.
The vlord "cra.nle" 18 used to define the character of a man
who doe s not thi~1k and act in exactly the same way as the universal i ty)
almost, of his fellow men.
1 am fully entitled, I feel, to the name of "craYl.k" and I
have no fault to find ·nith being called an "old crank, n and as I am
almost universally judged to be peculiar, I am cond81illled as a crank.
The word "da7l1Iled" means the same as condemned.
crank I If and "a damned old crank. n
Hence I am a "daxiU1sd
I am sorry that I am a crank and I am sorry that I am old I
and I am sorry that I am condemned as a crank, because if most people
or all people lived and acted as I do I believe the world would 1:e a
better world; and if all people thought and acted as I do then I Vlould
no longer be a crank, and hence people would not pass such judg~ment
on me.
It is very unfort:mate for the world that I run a dam.ned
crank,---it is unfortunate to myself that I am an old crankJs.nd that
OLD CHANK- -3.
I am old at all. You see I am sorry for everJbody, including myself.
Wherein am I exposed to the public in the matter of my
cran..kiness?
'lhere are some things about IllS that are vi si bl e to everybody
that kIlOWS me. These are some of them:
I wear a full beard when nearly everybody else shaves clean;
to that extent I a.'11 vdlling to appear like a man, a.nd do not, like my
fellows, make myself look like a girl.
I wear long boots J and I wear my pants in my boots I and be­cause
they are pants- -not "trousers "_- I gi va further evidence of
beil~ cranky, since most men who are as rich as I am call their lower
garments "trousers." I have several good reasons for wearing boots,
and T,vearing them in the way that I do; one of them is that it is easier to
put them on and off; and by wearing my boots in this fashion I am en­tirely
free from the pest of fleas; then I live in the country and
tramp over rough ground and through brush and high grass an.d, by wear-ing
my boots in this manner, I am. saved the annoyance of getting my
shoes :full of loose dirt, pebbles &nd sticky things in the grass and
brush. But my main and great reason is that by protecting my an.kles
and the lower part of my I ege from exposure to the cold air I frequent­avoid
taking cold, and because of this trick of mine I do not suffer
half as l11U.ch from colds.as do the men vrho wea.r 10'l"f/ shoes.
I am also crw..ky in U18 matter of the rest of my "iiearing ap­parel,
as all my life I have been too busy Vii th other things of im­portance
to look after my dress much.
I have another cranky sYBptom: I am a busy man.
lUUch time to waste, and TNhen I am vlalkir'{3 I vialk :fRst to save
I haven't
When I am dri viYl..g horses I drive them on the run, a.nd nOVJ in these ds.,ys
of automol)iles I get the biggest, and st.rc::'l~~;est~ eJ':.d fastest 21t1 mo;:.t
durable" that is to say the mest
OLD CRANK--4.
over the ground fo..st Bnd waste but very little time waiting for my
chauffeur to patch up a weak, easily crippled machine.
I never go to t.he church or to the theater, or attend any
social function, nor do I Ii sten to public political speeches j nor do
I sit· on the bleachers 'datelling other :l1en exercise themselves with
base-balI and football. I do not hunt or play golf. I ara reall v
'"
not interested in any of these affairs and I ha.ve n.ot time to be.
But I play poker, just like C0r11110n people dOl so that in one respect, at
1 east» I am not a crarlk. At pOkel" I 8£1. an average loser I and
therein I 81Ji like other people end no crank.
I ai va TIlV money and mn time to "publ ic 'lmrl-:s without desire ~...-J Ill} ~ ~..o ....
O!~ {")'x ""..'etl."'.J.· ·..,t.; Oyi of ':11'''':1' p'Y'Of'l't J .... - lJ ¢;,>-: .J.. J_l _ ~.I''lJ1 ..;. J.. • That is certainly evidence of C3:"ar'.Jd-ness.
No matter what my excuse 18 for doing these things $ I &JIl a
crank!
I ara one of those men who ce..xl not rest or idle away my time.
Perhaps the great cmd chiefest desire of most men is to have
money enoug..~ to be idle and then be idle; as I must v,rork and as I have
no occasion to work for myself 8r...y longer 1 and in fact my health for­bids
me to do the only kind of Vlork which is profitE.J:le to :llyself---I
must do something, so I build roads and interest myself in other such
things.
I~J.ost rich men like to spend money acqulrlP~ reputations for
being grea.t lovers of humanity; tb,at is to sa~y pl:.ilc"nthropists. They
seek fame Cl.Jld notorietJT. I am a cra.nk because I don't vrant the rep-utation
for being good. 1 or being wise) or any- sort of reputa~ion at
Ilttle
all. I have so small c. respect fer humcmi ty that I place " 'r;.·:;J.1l6
on the respect or adr:n. roJtJ 1. 0n or a ff eCt.J'l on 01,. . clny.n1t .Jl1'1ill "D 81ng;--Il1e11 entitle lile to be called a
crank.
It is only too evident from all the above that I nave one el­ement
in rrlJ' character that is common a.nd is universal---I have vanit}!
This whole essay is nothing but one long holler of boast J no !aa,ttel~
what other virtues it may have in t~le',l&.tter of tru.t:1f1J.lness and sugfsest­ed
philo s9PtrY .
Yes, I am entitled tJ be called a cra"lk! Yes, an old
crank! And further a damned aId crank; a11.d i f ~Tim t s f al~er~
lr..neVl as n1'V.ch ab~ut future busine::;s conditions as he a.pparentl:: 1G103-,1
about Jim I s f athe r he vmul d have be en ~~:r-;l e I if 116 ; .. :~; ~:t
OLD CRAJ:'Tl(- -9.
have given Jim three million dollars wort:'l of inform~~tion for three
dollars.
bv n. W. Seriops
C ~ 1 • f . ... . aLi 0r111a,
1909.
Dictated
.M.. .r... I'r""~'1 1£',-,,,",.,'1'.' ' ,
A1" Y)ril 5 )
~
n.•. ,.'.l,1~

Ohio University Libraries, E.W. Scripps Papers, MSS 117, Series 4, http://media.library.ohiou.edu/scripps
April 5 J 1909.
/
J F(
,j, '-
"A DAMNED OLD CRANK."
----------------------
IEhe other day a fam.ous a.nd notorious slJiritualist or clair- .I.
voyant came to San Diego and for several days did a tflri ving business
,. ~
~xcnan,Sll1g guesses .Lor t~le dollars of the credul::ms.
My oldest son1 Jim, who is just breakin::; into business in
a serious way I and who is pretty a.."'1Xious just now to find out when a
tJusiness boom is gair1€:; tc> set In a:.:;a111 and the revenues of our business
111CreaSe J ' .. vent to consult the faker.
Jim didn't learn anythil~~; about business J I uncle nrt, and , but
~;.;ot the usual dose of information about himself personally I his fam­il:
r affairs and the usual advice to a young man of business.
In order to convince Jim that he (the faker) had .n.. eculiar
and occult opportunities for learnin::; what the future is to be the
wizard told him some tl1ings about the past B-'1d t~e present that any maXl
W:10 knHvv that Jim's surname was Scripps could have told him. Of
course it didn't occur to Jim til at on account of his o"m peculiarly
large stature, st:::sngth of' body, his habits of dress, coupled 'Nith the
fact that he was the son of a man who is locall:{ conspicuous, would
make it verJ easy for him to be "ti pped off II to the faker 10n[::; before
he got from tile ante-room to the sanctum.
Nor did it occur I perhaps I to Jim that hi s 01J1.:' l-:i!~; heal thji
body, open face I and roug..1-} and readJ dress iVotild invite from a shre'v1d
observer a certain amount of pretended bl'lnt candor.
Jim told me somethin;~~ abou.t the int.erview· 7 1)ut veri little J --­hut
he told me how the faker characterized me, his subject's fat~6r.
Said the faker "Your father is a crank, in fact he is a danned old
crank! II
"Vlhy didn't you swat him O!1e,
/ /