To turn the wound against all scars.

My own Funny Valentine

Socialising/learning to get used to the idea of socializing is painful. Last Friday, dinner at Enrique’s with his friends – an intimate foursome – drank too quickly and got more deaf than I already am, screeched to a grinding halt and stumbled around like a bumbling idiot in terms of making conversation, smiling etc, felt the atmosphere take on a twilight chill and glances were exchanged with my partner, I’m pretty sure he gave the yeah-what-the-hey-I-have-no-idea-why-either face and scrambled to cover up my stinking tracks with his winsome smile. I decided to remain quiet for the rest of the evening unless spoken to (even then, I am unable to give the answers expected of me by both parties).

I don’t envy his charm and his easy command of conversation. That was what made me fall in love with him. It was at that point in time where I sat there and wondered whether there could be a high chance that it wasn’t the same for him. Slowly it dawned on me that he didn’t love me as I am, didn’t take me as I am, as a whole, my faults and shortcomings and flaws. He was embarrassed and wanted to hide me under a big rock. I felt unworthy, under-appreciated…like nobody listens when I speak. But as I grow older, I realize that I really couldn’t care less about what people think. Besides, it really doesn’t matter whether I choose to ignore or respond to their patronizing looks or condescending glances. It’s not that I have nothing to say – I do – just not the same things they are interested in, and it is something I find polite to show respect in that regard. Perhaps it is not the same anymore, or it is a different group of people at a different time; what the hell, nobody talks about anything really. Maybe I am just being defensive. Who gives a damn? I thought that the most important thing was that I did not bore my partner and I can talk to him about anything. The outside world shouldn’t interfere with our lives.

We talked about it in the car and as we neared home, it quickly escalated into an argument. Sat on the bed and attempted to reach an agreement but he just kept going on and on about my inanity and my silliness and childishness and my inadequacies and my deep love for popcorn I slowly tuned out and felt a great weight settle in my heart. This was where our differences lie. Who can fault anyone for trying? ‘You didn’t try, you didn’t even bother to try because each time we have this conversation it is still the same!’ Did I try? Yes. Did I try hard enough? Have I succeeded? No, so inevitably everyone will think I haven’t tried hard enough, no need to answer that question. Have you tried hard enough to understand my fallacies? Maybe to ask you to understand is asking too much. Have you tried hard enough to accept my fallacies? Have you thought about ways to solve this problem? I have. 1. Stop expecting too much of me. 2. Stop bringing me to these get-togethers. They are your friends, you have a responsibility towards them – is it fair that I must share that responsibility all the time too? Why is it that each time we reach such a speed bump in the middle of the road you dismiss it as my age – we must be lenient, she is still young – or, that is just the way you are, I allow you to make that mistake and I am not going to make a big deal out of it….

I love you enough not to call you a pedantic old fart who is a stick in the mud, who finds it hard to change and I never forget the very basic fact that everyone sees the world through different eyes. Doesn’t love transcend all boundaries?

I am glad it took you a sleepless night and my having to sleep on the couch to realize that love does transcend all boundaries. That little speech you gave was very moving, thank you, honey. It was what I really wanted and needed to hear.