My daughter's father and I have been together for a few years now. Before she was born we really didn't have any issues and were relatively happy. At least I know that I was, and he seemed very happy too. Typical ups and downs.. After she was born, I quit my full time job at a bank to stay home with her and started doing internet marketing to make up for what I was losing financially. He works construction and also goes to school after he gets off work Monday through Thursday.

My problem is this: When he gets home he goes right into his office/man-cave and does his thing for a while (I totally understand this, needing to wind down and such) so I don't see him much before he takes off for class. He's only gone for class a couple of hours and is home for good between 7-8 usually. Almost never later than that. Well, when he comes home, he either goes right back into his man cave to get online, play video games, or he's out in the garage working on his project car. This gives me no "me" time without my daughter, and no alone time with him- except when he comes to bed.. I've mentioned to him a couple times that I would really like it if he spent more time with me and our daughter, but he seems to get very defensive and say that he's out working hard everyday and going to school so he can ensure a better future for us all, and if he wants some alone time, then he deserves it. I am totally grateful for everything he does, so don't think I'm sweeping all that under the rug. I just wish there was a way he could see how much I need a break from being a mom/maid/cook/internet marketer/wife and spend some time with our daughter (more than an hour for cryin out loud!?!!) and also see that I'm a woman with needs that would like to spend some time with the love of her life! I'm completely torn and I have no idea how to go about this situation. I always tend to feel like a nag and in the wrong every time I bring up the topic... Am I asking too much of him? Should I just deal with it until he's done with school (6 more months!)??

Any advice would be so helpful; I feel like I'm dying inside from loniness.. :(

It's tough to both have so much on your plate, but I don't think that gives him an excuse to ignore you and your lo. Maybe try planning specific fun things to do to avoid the cave. Picnic dinner in a weekend, a game night when baby goes to bed etc. good luck mama.

I feel like you need to get mad and have a talk with him. If he always runs away make him communicate with you. You guys need to speak to each other and have an understanding of each others roles in this relationship. Explain its a basic need to feel loved and belong and if that's not being provided for you then you need to reevaluate where you are going as a couple. You can't get anywhere without communication on both parts. GL! :)

I have found with my DH that nagging him about his video game time makes him want to spend more time with the game instead of me. He's gotten to where he really only plays while I out LO to bed and after I go to bed on the weekends, but I don't like going to bed alone. If I ask him to come to bed with me and he doesn't want to, he'll stay up til 3 or 4 and be worthless the next day. If I don't ask, he comes to bed around 1 and usually gets up around 7 or 8 when LO won't go back to sleep so that I can sleep in.

It sounds to me like your SO has a lot going on with work, school, and a new baby. It's not an excuse, but men don't have to adapt the way that we do when a baby comes along. I would try to get him to commit to hanging out with the family one night a week or even every other week and the taking the baby for 2 or 3 hours every other weekend so you can have time to decompress. Tell him you understand that he's got a lot going on (they need to hear this for some reason) but that you also have to deal with a lot on your own between work, the house, and the baby. You get overwhelmed but never get a free moment the way he does, so you would appreciate just a little down time too. Also tell him that you miss him and that you miss spending time with him. If you change your tone and find ways to communicate without complaining (you always play your game, you never spend time with me, you never help around the house, etc) then maybe he'll respond more positively. Also, spending a few hours alone with the baby will give him some insight into your every day!

Be stern, express your feelings, but don't get mean. My roommates are like this. The husband used to work 12 hour shifts 4 am to 4 pm EVERY DAY. His wife would bitch at him to get up and watch their son. She did NOTHING around the house. So, he takes off, and has threatened to divorce her three times in six months. If you get mean, he'll block you out. Be nice, but serious.

My dh was like that too. He didn't realize how sleep deprived I was and lonely. I don't make friends easily so I don't have other people to be around. What we do is that every time he gets a day off I get a break from cooking, we clean up a little around the house and then have family time. We go to the park, we eat out, we visit his family for a bit or go shopping. And he sometimes gives me me time by letting me go out to the gym while he cares for lo. Maybe arrange a day of the week for this? That way its established and he still gets his me time.

You need a date night. Dh was like this. I hired a sitter one night a week and started taking time for myself since he wouldn't give it to me. It evolved into date night when I asked one night if he wanted to join me. It reminded him of the fun we had, and it has stuck. The rest of the week is crazy, but we have one date a week. My advice is if you aren't getting what you.need, find a way to take it.

--

Pamela - DS 1/11/07,MC 9/10,MC 4/11. My RAINBOW is due 5/8/2012. We are having a GIRL!

My DH works 6-7 days a week, is gone 7am-8pm Monday thru Friday and Saturday from 7am-3/4pm.
I also need "me time". I think asking is the mistake. Just make plans for yourself to be out for an hour or two when you know your SO is home and can watch LO. I think the mistake is to expect him to give you time while you are home. I just don't think their brains work like that, not do ours. If I'm home I can't help but interfere with baby care or start doing housework, unless I'm showering or sleeping.
I scheduled a pedicure for myself today for this very reason. Just told DH I'm going out for an hour or two and leaving LO home with him. He's used to me taking LO with me always, but that's my fault because I always do.

I also signed myself up for a yoga class tomorrow. 2 more hours out on my own this weekend.
Guys don't understand all the talking. It's super annoying and making it like he's doing something bad. (I know he kind of is, but harping won't change it).
Just take action. Would he refuse to watch LO when you are walking out the door? If so, you've got a bigger problem.

Just have to add, I don't get having sex with guys who play video games, never mind having babies with them. Such a turn-off.