Basic sums leave footballers flummoxed

FIFA's new 6 plus 5 plan has left many footballers in a state of confusion. The new proposals, to guarantee six home-grown players in the starting line up of domestic league games, have been approved by the World football governing body and look set to be on the rules books within a few seasons.

It all adds up

At present though it's not known what the average professional thinks of such a scheme. The Onion Bag carried out a survey of Premier League players to see what they thought of 6 plus 5. 29 per cent gave answers between 14 and 38, 32 per cent said 8, while 53 per cent said it wasn't possible - many of which were left confused after they ran out of fingers.

Did you see an ambulance come by?

The FA's legal advisers have described the rules as unworkable, anti-European and basically racist. Sports contract lawyers, however, have welcomed the proposals and have cleared their diaries for many years to come.

Fans of the national team have also welcomed Blatter's scheme to limit foreign players. England fans representative Nick Dogbolter told us: "It's them forrins fault we ain't any good, innit. Coming over here taking our jobs and eating our babies - it's just not right. People should stay in their own countries - sometimes I feel so angry I feel like quitting England all together and go and live in my bruvver's pub in Spain."

Pointless

Dogbolter was speaking from the brass section of the loyal traveling England support against Trinidad & Tobago. The game, which England won easily, saw the return of David Beckham as captain; continuing Fabio Capello's rotation policy for who leads England out.

Rumours persist that Stuart Pierce or Bryan Robson will be asked to retake the responsibility for England's opening World Cup qualifiers. When pressed on the matter all Capello revealed was: "I wanted to give Bobby Moore another go with the armband, but apparently he's dead."