Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Recovering from a #queryfail of epic proportion

You hit send.
You hit the tequila bottle (or the teapot) with relief now that this is done, done, done.
Yes, yes, yes.

You wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat when your reptile brain says "you sent the wrong thing."

You look at your outgoing mail folder and sure enough. You sent something so wrong, it's not even going to make a right turn to get back on the right path. It's not in left field, it's in the dumpster, and it's on fire.

#queryfail

Recently, #QueryFail looked like this:

In case you're wondering why: no attachments when you query unless specifically directed; query one project at a time; include a query letter (you can't tell from this image, but there was no query.)

My assumption when I get something that is clearly this wrong is the writer doesn't know anything about how to query.

BUT it's entirely possible the writer knows a LOT about querying and had some sort of #EpicMalfunction

IF this happens to you: DO NOT DESPAIR. Do not weep and rend your garment. You can recover.

First, know that when I get something like this, I toss it. I don't record the name of the writer, I don't save it to my file of "idiots to never respond to" or "clueless wonders to blog about."

I just throw it away.

Which is VERY good news for you.
You can just query (CORRECTLY) and that first salvo won't even appear on my radar.

The trick is to NOT to tell me about that first mistake.
Just query like you would normally.

This is true of every other kind of terrible mistake you can make. Just query again. Don't say "sorry I called you Mr. Reid" (cause I really didn't notice); or "sorry I misspelled Herbiverousville" cause I don't spell check your query; or, "gosh I'm sorry I did X" cause most likely I didn't notice.

Here's the thing to remember: you slave over every single word in your query (and you should) but I read them like you read your email: to get the info I need and get on to the pages. I don't read it to assess it, correct it, analyze it, or make sure you did 27 things correctly. I just read it.

You can recover from a major splat.
Get up, dust yourself off, step up to the plate and swing for the fences.

The Query has ONE JOB: make the reader want more. All the other query tips and rules are a means to that end. Which is why querying is so easy, yes? :D

You can recover from a major splat.What about that drunken call to the New Leaf offices at two in the morning rambling about my... uh... one's latest masterpiece and leaving every number and email address associated with the caller just be sure Ms. Reid or Ms. Volpe or anyone else can return my... uh... the caller's call? I'm asking for a friend. :D

First, Colin No worries to your “friend”- calls from Carkoon are not much noticed. Don’t ask how I know this, but I have it on excellent authority that these calls are translated into prank calls to one Wheezy Buttonweezer who loves to dress up as a Literary agent, especially at Halloween.

It’s horrifying. Wheezy has crafted some legendary rejection letters that are seen framed in prominent agencies throughout the known and yet to be discovered literary world. In case that writer ever queries. You know the one? Queries a fiction novel with copyright typed in all caps asking why he/she/it should hire said agent, Demands immediate 6 figure advance. Female MC is described as beautiful and buxom. Yeah, that guy.

It is good to know you can recover from accidental kinds of blunders like the one described in blog post. But what if the writer sends the actual query and wakes up at 2PM - writers are typically nocturnal beasts- and realizes the query sucks eggs. How does one recover from that? Is there a 12 step program?

I'm thinking everyone who regularly reads this blog is oh-so-very-very-very careful about every little tidbit of everything about their query letters. And mistakes still happen. (I've made some.) It's good to know all is not lost. Thanks, Janet.

CynthiaMc said, "Just like in theatre - whatever happens, pretend it's in the script and move on." Yes! Years (and years) ago, I had to juggle scarves in a musical. (I chose scarves because they fall much more slowly than balls or swords or chainsaws.) For one performance, I got out onstage and realized I was missing one of the scarves. So, I very deliberately put one hand behind my back and juggled the two scarves with the other hand. With gusto! After the show, someone came up to me. "I thought it was great how you juggled with just one hand!" lol (I came clean and said what had happened.) :)

This would be why I love Boomerang for Gmail although even with that, I only have ten seconds or so to recall the email. And the way my brain works, I don't often realize the mistake I've made within that time frame.

RosannaM, you and I must be sisters from another mister because I do the exact same thing! Apologize to inanimate objects, the dog, other people...myself when I'm having a private conversation between me and me...oh yes. Been there. Many times. :)

OMG I had to delete another comment, the bold thingy-dingy didn't work. Anyway, to ROBERT, as Kitty said, the movie is A League of Their Own. In our family it is required watching for females, especially sisters. We love it.

To survive being an earthling with your confidence intact, one must learn to take it easy on oneself. Acknowledge and accept that you're not alone in making social and professional blunders. Just don't become a professional blunderer.

Back when I was querying my women's fiction ms, which is now collecting dust in a cyber drawer, I made a horrific and gruesome (read: mortifying) mistake. It was only sent to one agent, but I was so tormented by this mistake that I did the next wrong thing and sent an "I'm an idiot" apology. It's comforting to know he probably didn't even read my follow-up grovelling.

Nightsmusic and RosannaM, I get it on apologizing to everything. I'm in the process of clearing a section of woods on our property. I holler out, "I'm sorry!" to every tree I whack with the bush hog.

I now have the song from that movie stuck in my head and can't stop humming it. I blame you lot. *sings very loudly* Batter up, hear that call, the time had come for one and all TO PLAYayAy ball! Sorry, not sorry

nightsmusic, otherwise known as sister, Melanie otherwise known as kindred spirit, Colin, otherwise known as a guy with impeccable manners, Lennon, otherwise known as humane dispatcher of arachnids, and all the rest of you woodland critters--you make me laugh, smile and sometimes wince, and cringe. And that is a very good thing.

Ah yes, A League of Their Own. Terrific film. Definitely, there's no crying in querying...try venting instead (works much better for me). Of course, mistakes happen. But damn, they seem to happen a lot in writing!

One must dust themselves off and move on...

And I just gotta say: Go Red Sox! Even though they didn't make the World Series this year...sigh. May the Astros win, Joseph. The Dodgers? Please. "Ever since they left Brooklyn, them bums haven't been the same." Those are my dad's words--he remembered when they bailed out of Brooklyn in 1957.

And nightsmusic gets a gold star! I wanted the car that Cameron smashed through his window (before the smashing, of course). And I would think one typing with a doberman's ear on their laptop would be a strategic challenge! ;)

And I just realized looking back at my first post, I may have inadvertently offended any Dodgers fans reading the comments. Wasn't my intention. Mentioning the team made me think of my late father (a lifelong Red Sox fan, incidentally) which is why I quoted him. So, I guess I made a mistake, when we were all discussing mistakes--typical me.

I do not apologize to the shrubs and blackberries that I bludgeon into submission. Those who live in the Pacific NW know that one season's inattention can cause your house to be buried in an impenetrable blackberry thicket. As I pull up yards of nettle roots, I imagine them screaming in pain: "All my beautiful EVIL!!! I'm meltinggggggg..."

We have all hit the wrong key at the wrong time and watched in horror as the file you were trying to move to a different location goes *POOF* Glad to know this isn't a deal breaker. Unless of course it happens a lot. :o)

A League of Their Own is a great movie. I'm sure it's historically accurate, but it bugs the hell out of me that Geena Davis isn't wearing a batting helmet in that pic.

I actually don't mind making mistakes. It means I'm trying. What I can't stand is making the same mistake more than once. It means I'm not learning. I once had a proverb from a fortune cookie tacked on my bulletin board at work, "The greatest mistake you can make is to never make one." I love how twisty Chinese proverbs can be.

That said, I absolutely would apologize if I screwed up and sent some hot mess of a mistake to an agent. Even knowing you're not supposed to. *sigh* Guess I need to work on adopting the "I meant to do that" attitude.

At Surrey I apologized to a lady at the check-in desk when she looked my way. I was going to leave a message for Cheryl that I was in and would like to hook up with her. The desk clerk, instead of just leaving a message for her, rang me through to her room to my mortification. I was sure then she thought I was stalking her. Anyway, I was getting off the phone when the lady looked my way so I apologized, thinking she needed the house phone.

*raises hand* "Oh-oh, I have query fail!"I sent a query to the wrong email address. Something like MacAgent@... instead of McAgent@...I got an auto response from the wrong email saying I had misspelled the agent's address.So I guess I wasn't the first to do such an error.Sorry for coming late to the game, I was indisposed in Amish country. It was all horse manure and no fudge.

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I'm a literary agent in NYC. I specialize in crime fiction and narrative non-fiction (history and biography.) I'll be glad to receive a query letter from you; guidelines to help you decide if I'm looking for what you write are below.
There are several posts labelled "query pitfalls" and "annoy me" that may help you avoid some common mistakes when querying.