Wednesday, May 16, 2007

The silence is over

So, I have had a lot of time to do some soul-searching lately. It pisses me off how I can make such a decision, and then I find myself having to make the decision over and over again every day. In this case the decision is to not act on my SSA. I just wish these feeling would diminish, but they aren't. Anyway, I guess that's something that many of you relate to and I take comfort in the fact that I am not alone.

I just got an email from Hidden who mentioned that I haven't written in a while, and I realized that I haven't because I feel like I have had nothing positive to contribute...but it just occurred to me that my blog will be more effective if I share my thoughts, even when I am having a hard time. So I am going to make an effor to do better, and thank you to those of you who keep up on my blog and comment. I love having you as friends, even if we can't meet in person at this time.

I just finished watching the movie Rock Hudson. I had never heard anything about the dude...he was a famous and handsome actor who was known for his good looks and romantic films. After a failed marriage he later died of AIDS and it became public that he had spent his whole life as a closeted homosexual. The film was really good and I recommend it to you all, but at the same time it just made me angry. I'm angry because I am closeted I don't want to be, but there is no way out. The consequences of coming out would be worse than living in it. Ultimately, I really do want to be a temple-worthy member of the church. I believe it and I want a stronger testimony. I just feel like I am stuck in giant, intricate puzzle and if there is a way out, it is much more complicated and limited than some people assume. For me, the answer is not to just jump out of the closet and start calling everyone and telling them I struggle with SSA. I wish I was like that but I am too analytic and I can think too far ahead to know that I will probably regret it. For me, coming out is like getting a tatoo...it will be awesome for a little bit and I am really tempted to just make myself do it, but I know that I will end up wishing I had more foresight and there will be no way to take it back.

For example, I want to get married, badly. I believe that if I can pull myself together, then I have what it takes to really make a marriage work, have a family, etc...I also know that if I come out, it will be much much harder for my future wife and family, and I would rather have this be something that I deal with and my wife knows about, but the whole world doesn't know about it.

Okay, that's all for now. Long story short, I am just having a rough few weeks and I know darn well that the answer is NOT a same-sex relationship, but everything sucks right now.

I totally understand the frustration you feel by being "in the closet". I hate it. I'm angry about it, about the whole situation.

I've found that while being totally "out" is not realistic right now, I also don't have to hide in the deepest, darkest corner of the closet either. You can be out with select people, and you can also just be yourself. I have always been afraid to really allow my "true self" to really come out to play because I was afraid that people would somehow just know that I was gay.

I have stopped trying to do that as much. Consequently, I am overall less frustrated with my life and with my relationships.

So what I am saying, is get a tattoo somewhere, where no body else can see it! At least, most people. :)

I will agree with iwonder and say that you can be partially out. it's so relieving to have Miki joke with me about it; I know it helps de-stress a bit, but I don't know that being completely "open" as long as we're trying to follow a gospel-path would be useful, given that so many people around us are dumb and will condemn us for our feelings just as they condemn people who smell of cigarette smoke.

Good to see you back up and posting again! I can assure you that if you find the right person, being fairly out and open and having a healthy relationship (heterosexual or mixed orientation or whatever we've decided to call it these days) is possible. And quite fulfilling, for the most part.

I'll just add my view about the benefits of partially coming out. Basically, I've told my parents and two of my long-time friends. Then, through the process of "coming out" and associating with people, about 15-20 people have come into my life who know about it. And at least right now, that's all I feel needs to happen. Especially if things are hard, it's great to have people to talk to who either are in the same boat or are already close to me. To everyone else, I'm the same.

"And behold, others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance."

The thorn in my side

I am but one of the many Latter-day Saints struggling with same-sex attraction. I'm fully active in the church, a returned missionary, a student, and hopeful that God is willing to afford us more than a life of despair.