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I’m on Day 10 now, and having struggled through the “witching hour” last night (I say hour, I mean between 4 and 8pm…) I’m feeling fantastic again this morning.

One of the things I’m working through in my therapy sessions is my complete inability to listen to my body. This has manifested itself in various ways over the years: not listening to the gut-wrenching, diarrhoea (sorry, TMI) that was the symptom of anxiety caused by a toxic job and toxic relationship, not listening to my body when I was undereating to the point my hair fell out…

And more recently I’ve been drowning out the signals my body is giving me with alcohol. It’s not just the emotional stuff I’ve drowned out, by the visceral, physical sensations of my body going “ummm, this is NOT ok” when poisoned with alcohol for 3-4 days at a time.

One of the reasons I knew my drinking had reached a tipping point was my real reliance on alcohol the day after a big binge, just to make it through the day.. Gone were the days where the thought of alcohol turned my stomach the night after I’d had one too many, and along came times where sometimes, I’d have to sneak a mini-bottle of wine (or two) during the day at work. Which of course led to more that night, and so the cycle went on…

When I’ve thought about the effects of alcohol I’ve primarily thought about them on my mind, and my weight. I hadn’t really considered the rest of it- the exhaustion, the stomach pain, the heavy limbs and disconcerting sensation from where the liver is.

My eyes were opened when a new guy I’m dating stayed over and commented on the milk thistle tablets I had by my bed. “Oh, they’re for the liver.” I said. “They help hangovers.” He later noted the multipack box of coconut water I have in the house. I shared my secret excitedly: “It’s AMAZING! If you have it before you go to bed, they stop you being hungover, and are great the next morning.”

“Sounds like you get drunk ALOT” he laughed- I laughed with him, and said I didn’t but when I did, I was very well equipped to deal with the effects.

During these first few weeks of sobriety, I’m finding it really useful to reflect on all the small things I’d built into my life to enable me to drink unhealthily. Be it this “hangover first aid kit” or the secret drinks alone that would make my drinking levels seem acceptable in company, it’s so useful to see it in black and white.

Recovery now means a long path, not just a way of tackling a hangover…