Pastor's book advises on how to mentor successful young black men

Gun wars have cost his parish six victims in the past year and a half alone. Then, there are the funerals he attended of children of friends.

The pastor of Abyssinian Missionary Baptist Church in Oakland, Barnes has started every kind of youth outreach program he could think of from the church's humble offices.

So, when an author invited to the church complimented Barnes on the job he had done in raising his three sons and suggested that he write a book about how to do it, Barnes decided why not. Perhaps, he surmised, such a book could offer a different perspective on ways to control the violence destroying young lives.

"I don't consider myself a writer, but I do have a lot to share," Barnes said, noting his three sons, Kevin Jr., 28, Keith, 24, and Kenneth, 16, are all happy, productive young men. The oldest is an entrepreneur; the second works at a local biotechnology company and the youngest is a junior in high school in Vallejo. All three volunteer in church ministry.

His book "Successfully Raising Young Black Men," was published on Father's Day of this year and already more than 2,300 copies have been sold or distributed - and used as a ministry tool at numerous local African-American churches. It is also ranked as one of the top 50 books of the Black Christian Book Distributors.

As Oakland grapples with gang violence and youth dropping out of high school, Barnes has been eager to share his advice with others.

"Show genuine love for your boys," was the first thing the 49-year-old pastor said when asked the top five things he would tell parents about raising sons. "I think many people have forgotten that, they're so busy with economic issues and trying to make ends meet that many people forget to hug their kids.

"But what they do in the gang world out in the street is they embrace each other - first thing they do is embrace each other," Barnes said, warning that if a kid doesn't find affection at home, he may seek it among gangs.

"The first thing parents should do each morning is put their arms around their kids - so they know that even if I fall, my parents are there."

Barnes is a teddy bear of a man with a warm, ready smile, optimistic eyes and lots of energy. Married since he was 19 years old and the youngest of 13 kids in a family that survived on welfare, he says he knows the challenges people face. Yet he also knows they can be overcome. He recently earned his doctorate of philosophy in religion from Sacramento Theological Seminary and Bible College.

"Be there," is his second piece of advice to parents: Be there to talk with your kids, be there to watch your kids play sports, be there to notice kids' individual gifts. "If they like drawing, encourage that. Not everybody is going to be a basketball star or a rapper."

And be there to be the disciplinarian, Barnes said. "First I am their father," he said. "Later I'll be their friend."

In his book, Barnes recommends that parents have a strong relationship with the Lord, who will then guide them in parenting, and that parents introduce their children to God.

That faith, Barnes said during an interview, can convince some people to carry on the job of parenting when at first that job seems too daunting. He said he has talked to fathers who are afraid of not being able to provide for their kids and so think of leaving.

Barnes' advice to them is that God created their children and therefore will help provide for them, though he puts some pressure on the community to help the fathers.

"We've got to give these guys opportunities to get jobs," he said.

But what about the children who have no father or whose parents are not available to them? Barnes' book clearly intends parents to be the audience. But in the real world of inner-city Oakland, where the pastor often speaks to groups, Barnes gives this dictum to every adult: It's your job to help today's children.

"Those who have been successful should go back to their communities and help others' kids," he said. "They should invest in kids.

"Sometimes people make it and forget to go back and grab someone else."

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Such people should become involved with youth mentor organizations such as Big Brothers Big Sisters or church groups, he said.

"I think that is the answer for Oakland, because we are in a time when other things are not working," he said.

At Abyssinian, Barnes led a workshop on "surrogate fathers" to convey the message that it's everyone's job to take care of kids in the community.

Not everything Barnes preaches is sweetness and hugs. He believes parents and caregivers need to be disciplinarians.

He also believes in showing kids the consequences of mistakes, as well as that mistakes can be forgiven and everybody makes them - even parents.

"We are afraid to tell our kids, 'Look I messed up and there were challenges in my life,' but if you don't, at some point the kids will realize it anyway and they will see you as a fake. They are not going to be honest with you because you were not real with them."

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Moreover, Barnes said, kids need to know that if they make a mistake they can move beyond the mistake and be forgiven.

Across Oakland, other pastors have distributed Barnes' book to their congregations.

The Rev. Dr. Harold Mayberry of the First African Methodist Episcopal Church in Oakland passed out 150 to 200 copies at a church revival. "We gave one to every man present, not just adults but youth and not just parents but everybody," Mayberry said. "We have men who may not be parents but who are real models of what men must be.

"There are not enough books that talk about real-life messages, that model for raising African-American men," he continued. "I think Kevin Barnes has in a very practical way addressed that void."

Allen Temple Baptist Church of Oakland invited Barnes to speak about his book and theories at a conference for boys and men in September. "We are promoting his book in this church," said the Rev. J. Alfred Smith Sr., Allen Temple pastor. "Young African-Americans are at risk, very much so, in the Bay Area."

The book has also been distributed at Bethel Missionary Baptist Church of Oakland and Mount Zion Missionary Baptist Church in Berkeley.

Barnes said he feels a mission with this book.

"I wanted the book to get in the hands of African-American men and in the hands of men who might be able to do something with it," by becoming a mentor or adviser to youth, Barnes said.

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"Successfully Raising Young Black Men" is $10.99 and is available on Amazon.com, at Barnes and Noble Booksellers in Jack London Square in Oakland and from publisher Torch Legacy Publications at www.torchlegacy.com.