Pages

Syndicate

Meta

Quite a few things haven’t changed since my last post about 7 weeks ago. Mistress still has me eating out of one of my two dog dishes for all my meals (unless I have permission). She’s talked about bringing one with us to a restaurant soon. But apparently I’ve been good enough to be allowed to use a regular spoon from our main silverware (rather than one of our reject “crummy” spoons).

She also still uses me as her nighttime urinal on occasion. And I’ve not been permitted any boygasms in months, just an occasional girlgasm every week or two. Humiliation play is nearly every day. She has a male friend who will visit later this year, and she talks a lot about how they will treat me when while he stays with us.

But some things have changed…

We had a death in the family just days after Christmas, so the holidays had some sadness. Mistress has the additional title of “executrix” temporarily. I’m supporting her through both grief and the logistics of handling that estate. Losing a parent to cancer is hard.

Just recently we’ve started talking seriously about having a male slave move in with us. “R” lived with us about 9 years ago for some months. He’s a service-oriented submissive, and he would love nothing more than to “serve two women”. It will be an interesting pecking order, with my wife as my Mistress and his Ma’am, I would continue to be her submissive pet but his dominant Miss. He would submit to us both.

Mistress and I have discussed some plans, including having R out for a few weeks soon as a trial. If things seem like a good fit, it sounds like he will ask to move in with us permanently. That’s even after learning that his service will almost certainly include BDSM, enforced chastity, an ownership mark (tattoo), and plenty of household duties.

Something I’m personally looking forward to this year is GRS. My surgeon consultation is still scheduled for the end of March, after which we can set a date to exchange tiny for a vagina. Exciting!

I’m also utterly thrilled to report that hormones have enabled me to grow B-cup breasts. The guideline is usually “one cup size smaller than your mother or sisters”. My mom has B’s. Mistress and I are both pretty pleased with the size of my “girls”, and this means we don’t have to bother with breast-augmentation as yet another surgical procedure.

I continue to think that biologically I was very ripe for being a female. I believe science will someday help us understand transsexuality better, including its causes and treatments. For me, I am so very happy to finally be the woman I’ve dreamed of being. I’m grateful each and every day. I’m more compassionate and loving, more calm and peaceful.

Life has been so busy! I am continuing with my gender transition. I’m working with some of the best professionals in my state, which rocks. 8 months now on female hormones, and I definitely have some cute breasts. My wife loves to tease me about how much larger my ass is (yet she says she loves my “girl butt”). I have filed paperwork to legally change my name, and have started talking to gender reassignment surgeons.

This week I’m going to talk to HR at my workplace to set plans in motion to transition on-the-job. One day I will simply start as a female. Yes, really. I’ve learned my employer has recently gone through this with someone else already, which is heartening. I’ve been living as a female for many months now everywhere in my life except at work. It’s time to come out there and go “full-time”.

I received a comment or email from a reader who wondered if becoming a transexual was a natural or common eventuality for a feminized husband in chastity. My short answer: no. It’s a great fantasy, and I’ve loved the stories I’ve read on-line over the years. But the reality of changing your gender for real in this society is very different. I’m sure there is the occasional “forced” situation, but I estimate that’s far less than 1% in real life. What you don’t realize is that there are plenty of transitioning people all around you. Some estimates as low as 1 in 200. Of course that includes the entire transgender umbrella, not just transexuals.

Some of the women you know might have been born male. That’s just reality. But please don’t ask them. Think about it — a genetic female will likely be very offended that you thought they were born male; quite a buzz-kill on a date. Like me, most transexuals want to transition and live the rest of their life as peacefully as possible. I just want to be in the world now as a woman. Eventually I will legally be female. And my wife and I will simply want to get on with the rest of our (lesbian) lives.

Some aspects of my situation were not really that unusual: a lifetime of private activities exploring my female side (crossdressing, reading TS stories, playing with makeup, wishing I was female); deciding to explore it more seriously after getting heterosexually married. One aspect of my situation is very unusual: my wife and I plan to stay together. The harsh reality is that most relationships cannot survive one spouse changing their gender — I think the partnership failure rate is over 90%. The suicide rate for transgender people is also very high (over 30%) — I’m fortunate to be a survivor, in fact.

But back to the question. It very well could be that a husband willing to be feminized and put into chastity does have some latent gender identity issues. But they may not be as serious as full-out transexuality. There is nothing wrong with loving to crossdress (I did it for decades), and for many it ends there. Other have a stronger pull away from their genetic gender, but life circumstances prevent them from acting on them (I was also there for decades). A full transition is not cheap — at least $30,000 start to finish. If you are interested in more details of transitioning, let me know. I don’t want to bore my readers!

Let’s revisit my dog dish (see prior post). I haven’t messed up once! But I will relay one story. My wife’s sister moved to our city about a year ago, and she comes over sometimes to chat or eat — or the three of us girls go shopping! One day she was over and she brought her two little dogs. I came home from work and saw my dog dish on the floor, and her dogs were eating out of them. I didn’t know if my wife had told her or not. And I didn’t dare ask. But it was clear that my wife noticed me noticing, and she really got off on the humiliation that it provided.

I’ll end on a chastity development. Today I’ll be removing my PA piercing. That’s a major deal for me. I’d wanted that ring in my cock for so very long, and it meant so much when my wife decided to have it installed. But gender surgeons apparently recommend letting that hole in my penis heal. I guess it makes sense, since they will be turning tiny inside-out when they surgically transform my male genitals into a vagina and labia. It’s amazing what they can do today (google for “SRS photos”).

But removing my PA ring signals the end of an era. No more chastity. Having my cock locked up was such a focus and big deal to me. And I’m feeling some loss about that. Mistress still dominates me, of course. But not with forced orgasm denial. She’s threatened a female chastity device, but those always come with a waist belt, and she has never been ok with those.

At some point I’m going to sell my whole high-security chastity setup: lock, JailBird cage, bio-safe, etc. If you want to be notified, drop me an email or blog comment. That will be a sad day too for me. On the other hand, it truly does feel awesome in so many ways, to finally become the woman that I’ve dreamed of being — and to have my Mistress/wife with me on the journey! Heaven!

Well, it looks like I’m well on my way to never needing to have tiny (my wife’s name for my cock) locked into a chastity device. Several times she’s happily remarked on how well my “chemical castration” is coming along.

What she’s really referring to are the hormones I’m on as I progress in my transition to becoming female. I’ve been on estrogen for 2 months now, with maybe a little breast, and hip growth (but hardly any so far). The sprio though, which blocks testosterone, is what she was referring to. It reduces the male sex drive and, over time, shrinks the testicles.

Recently I realized that my PA ring may not be long for this world. It was integral to the 100% secure stainless steel chastity cage we used not that long ago. But it’s getting uncomfortable now that I’m tucking my junk away to look more feminine “down there”. And sometimes that damn ring gets really uncomfortable, squishing things in strange ways, particularly when sitting.

It also occurred to me that it may be a problem later when I go to have sexual reassignment surgery. Since, basically, the penis is turned inside out to make a vagina, it probably won’t be good to have a hole in it. That’s 1-2 years away at this point, but still something I’m thinking about.

I asked Mistress about it recently, and she suggested that I may as well just remove the ring. That was a bit of a shock to consider, since my PA piercing will probably close up and heal over pretty quickly (a week or two maybe?). What shocked me was facing the end of serious male chastity in my life. Funny, that hit me harder than not having sex.

The extensiveness of this blog probably makes it pretty clear that chastity was a pretty important thing to me. Masturbation, sex, and male orgasms certainly were also. But they aren’t any more. I’ve changed, and I’ll continue changing. Not only has my male desire for sex been suppressed, my whole sense of sensuality is changing. I’m amazed at how erotic simple touching can feel now. I’ve always been a tactile-sensitive person, but hormones have turned it up to 11.

Anyway, lately I’m coming to grips with letting go of my manhood. Chastity represented that, in a way. My cage was an illustration of how I needed to have it controlled, lest it be out of control. Thinking about selling my awesome metal penis prison makes me sad. It’s a rite of passage, I suppose – if atypical.

Of course, to see me typing this with my hair up and wearing this bright, fun sun dress – you wouldn’t guess that I’m struggling with my masculinity. And I’m not, really, I’m doing well at letting that go, because I feel so great as a woman. But chastity – wow, letting go of that part of my life is harder. Necessary, but a heart-felt loss.

In terms of my transition, I’m living at home and in public as a woman over half the time that I’m not at work. My immediate family knows (parents, children, siblings), and probably 100-200 friends. We have new friendships in the transgender and transexual community, which is wonderful. This fall I plan to come out at my workplace, which I’m expecting to go well. Between then and now I’ll be legally changing my name. Serious progress.

It’s been busy, with extra appointments, investing time in new relationships, additional shopping to get my closet ready for going full-time, hair removal activities (laser, IPL, electrolysis), etc. Mistress and I are both really looking forward to the time when we can just get on with our new lives together, without so much focus on these transitional steps. Again, necessary, but sometimes frustrating.

And she is excited to be growing into a lesbian relationship. Being bisexual, this is seriously working for her. She can’t wait for me to have fuller breasts, a vagina she can have men of her choosing use, and labia she can torture. After all, I’m still her submissive pet, regardless of my gender.

Just thought I’d update everyone. Thanks for reading. As always I’m open to questions and comments.

Mistress gave me an orgasm on Friday. It had been 48 days since my last one, and I was securely locked up for the last 35 days.

I had a doctor’s appointment the next day, one that included a genital exam. So she wanted me to take it off (I would have been fine leaving it on, and it wouldn’t have gotten in the doctor’s way at all). Mistress masturbated me while biting my chest. It didn’t take me long.

I don’t think she realized it, but she stopped stroking right as I started to cum. I begged her to keep going, and after a short pause she did. Fortunately I had another climax and got to fully unload. There was a ton of fluid. No surprise, I suppose, since it had been almost 7 weeks of celibacy for me. I was worried that she was going to give me a “ruined orgasm”. That would have really sucked!

The doctor appointment was with my endocrinologist — the one who will oversee the female hormones that I am likely to be on in a week or two. She did a health history, advised us about the risks, did a quick physical — including the genital exam and a prostate exam with Mistress watching! Yesterday I had some blood drawn for lab tests, which should show me healthy and ready for hormones. About a week for those test results.

Mistress told me today she’s looking forward to me having a pussy. She has plans to fist me in a variety of ways, and was telling me details today. She want to fist my pussy and the pussy of a friend of ours. She’s done us both before, but obviously one of her hands was up my ass then, the other in our friend’s vagina.

She also wants to double-fist me – one in my pussy, and one in my ass. And she’s talked about the various dildos she plans to use to fuck me. (I wish she’d fuck my ass now!).

Another thing she plans to do is have people watch while she sews my labia lips together (explicit image here). And yes, she’s completely serious and I fully believe she will do it.

Not sure what she plans to do about keeping me in chastity once my easy-to-secure cock becomes a tempting pussy. She’s never liked the full waist-belt style metal chastity belts, but maybe she’ll end up locked me into one. Not sure how else she’ll be able to control access to my eventual clitoris otherwise.

For the moment Mistress has decided to leave me out of the cage. It will help me crossdress more effectively (and comfortably). A few months back you may recall that I signed a written chastity contract with her. It clearly specified that I must avoid all masturbation or stimulation of my genitals, and that I have turned over all of my sexuality and control of my cock and balls to her. So even though I’m not locked in the JailBird, I am still “in chastity”. And I fully intend to be faithful to her and our contract.

Mistress continues to leave me locked up with no sign of release. It’s been 44 days now since my last orgasm, one of the longest times I have gone without. She still shows no interest in my genitals at all.

I’ve been wondering if I might wake up some morning to a mess (nocturnal emission), but I haven’t yet. I haven’t had to put up with a lot of tease and denial, so it could be that I don’t have much fluid built up.

I have been wondering if I should try to milk myself again. I’ve tried a few times with little or no success. I even have an Aneros prostrate massager, but even that hasn’t been effective.

Things have been a little more stressed in our relationship. The gender transition thing is taking some toll, both as a near-constant source of attention and focus, and as an emotional drain particularly for her. Tonight I got all stressed out because I didn’t have what I needed to wear under the dress I had been looking forward to wearing out with friends tonight. It sure is different for me to care so much about how I look when I go out. Guys really do have it easy.

In four days I’ll be getting evaluated for starting female hormones. Mistress talks about looking forward to my breast growth, particularly how much my chest will hurt as it happens. She wants to poke and pinch and squeeze them to give me even more pain. I expect she will really like to bite them as well.

She also talks about how the hormones will work to make tiny (her name for my cock) even more worthless (“If that’s even possible”, as she says). They will make my testicles shrink and reduce or eliminate my male sex drive. She teases me regularly about how it won’t make much difference to her, since my “useless excuse for a cock never did much for [her] anyway”).

Yesterday her sister was over at our house. She brought her two little dogs. I came into the kitchen and saw my dog dish on the floor with dog food in it for her sister’s dogs. The same pink dog dish I have my breakfast in. Her sister didn’t know, but Mistress did. She saw that I noticed and she smiled that knowing smile that says “oh yes, I know this is humiliating for you – too bad!”.

My last male orgasm, over a month ago now, wasn’t that great so I haven’t feel very compelled towards another. Especially since the “female orgasms” that Mistress lets me have now and then are so much nicer.

I wonder how long Mistress will keep me locked up. We don’t talk about it, so I have no idea what her goals or plans are – if any. Perhaps she just considers tiny “locked away for good”. I’ve forgotten what an erection feels like. The sensation of stroking my hand against my cock is just a distant memory now.

My spouse, Mistress, and keyholder took me to a kinky party yesterday, but left me in chastity. However, I was luckier than another guy we saw there.

It’s been over 5 weeks since my last orgasm, and 23 days of continuous lock-up in my JailBird + PA-lock. Last night, though, I watched a poor guy get teased to an unbelievable degree — and he’s been denied orgasms for 57 days.

His owner had bound him (naked of course) to a suspended leather sling with plastic wrap in the dungeon at this party. She then proceeded to sexually tease him for a solid hour, stroking his cock and stopping before he could orgasm. A small audience watched.

If he got too close, she would give him some “distracting pain” to “help” him avoid an orgasm. Things like slapping the head of his cock really hard with her hand, or grabbing his balls and squeezing them hard. He got close to cumming time after time after time. But he never spurted.

I’m not sure what their agreement was, but he was begging not to orgasm. In the end he got his wish, but not before what seemed like an unbearable amount of substantial penile stimulation. His owner knew how to get him off, her hand-job technique was clearly effective. He was hard the whole time, and making the most interesting noises throughout.

His scene was still going on when Mistress decided it was time for me to submit to her and our friend. She took out our lightest leather bondage hood and secured it tightly around my head. It has a snap-on blindfold and a snap-in gag, which she left out initially.

She led me over to a bondage table, with webbing for dozens of straps to bind the limbs and torso. I’d been on it before, and knew what to do. I removed my clothes and got in position to be tied down.

Mistress kept it simple, using just 5 of the thick nylon straps to secure my wrists, ankles, and waist. Our friend joined us, and I was then blindfolded and gagged. They wasted no time and started tickling me mercilessly. I recognized the voice of the owner of the other chaste male who was tickling my feet and really enjoying watching me thrash and squirm and (try to) yell. Mistress and our friend were at my sides tickling my ribs. I felt completely out of control as my body tried uselessly to move away from the excessive stimulation. They all seemed to have a great time.

Eventually they stopped, and Mistress directed our friend to help calm me down with “smoothing” hand motions on my skin. My breathing slowed, and I settled down.

Then I felt her start stimulating my nipples. Mistress whispered to me that she wanted me to orgasm in front of everyone in our new special way. I nodded to let her know I understood and would try. At this point we’ve only done it a few times, and I wasn’t sure I could do it there in the dungeon. But, wanting to please her, I was going to try.

The nipple stimulation continued, and I continued my deep breathing, focusing not on my cock but on the growing sense of sexuality throughout my body. My cock doesn’t get very hard during these experiences — it’s not a penis-based orgasm. I felt the sensual energy building inside of me.

Then she was biting me. Mistress’ teeth dug into the flesh of my chest as her fingers continued their very arousing motions on my nipples. Then our friend began biting me on the other side, and licking my nipple as she sucked my breast skin into her mouth. The pain mixes with the pleasure for me, taking me deeper and farther.

I heard Mistress ask me if I needed more, and I nodded. The two of them continued stimulating me and biting, until finally I went over the edge. My body shuddered and I felt flushed. I strained against my bonds as I tried to arch my back and spread my legs as the orgasm spread through me. They continued stimulating me and pushing me on, until I went limp. Mistress reminded me to continue breathing as I recovered.

I wasn’t sure what to expect at the party, but it was a very nice scene. Mistress seems very interested in exploring this alternate way of pleasure for me, and she continues to show no interest in my cock. I think it’s her way of encouraging my new female sexuality to emerge.

A number of people seemed surprised when I got undressed before the scene. But I wasn’t sure if that’s because they didn’t realize I was a guy (I was wearing a new hot dress for the party), or if they hadn’t seen a stainless steel chastity cage like mine before. Either way, I was fully on display for quite a while. Being blindfolded, I have no idea who was watching during our scene.

A short while later I was dressed again, fetching Mistress some food and then massaging her feet as she chatted with others. A little while later we were back in the dungeon watching several other scenes, while I was Mistress’ footstool. It was a wonderful evening.

I got home from work and was changing out of my “boy clothes”. She was dressed, I was naked (except for my chastity cage and some jewelry).

She forced herself between my thighs, and hoisted my legs up and apart with her strong arms. I instantly went into submissive mode. She got that dominating grin on her face, and I knew she was enjoying herself.

She started playing with my nipples and guiding me through our new routine, where I can experience an orgasm with no genital contact. I focus on my breathing, letting the erotic stimulation flow through me in a new way.

She started grinding her pelvis against mine, and whispered to me about how it’s not going to be long before tiny (her name for my cock) will be gone and she’ll have my slutty cunt to fuck instead. OMG, that was so hot to hear.

“I can’t wait to put on my strapon, or the feeldoe, and rape you”, she said forcefully. I wished that she could do it right then and there. My heels dug into her backside nearly involuntarily, and my legs pulled her against me with her rhythm as she pretended to penetrate and pound my imaginary pussy.

In those moments my body craves — utterly craves — to be entirely female right then and there. Not as a fantasy — it’s almost like some strange body memory. (And no, I have no sexual abuse memories). It’s more like my body wants to get where it’s always desired to be. In reality. Now.

Mistress then began to bite me. This turns her on, she loves to feel her teeth digging deep into my flesh. She continues stimulating me and biting, the pleasure and pain mix and blend as I swirl in the bliss of her intense attention. It’s incredible, painful, wonderful, amazing.

Then I’m over the edge. We call it an orgasm because the erotic feelings peak and my whole body shudders. I’m flooded with emotions, and sometimes cry. It goes on for at least a solid minute. It’s a more intense, whole body release compared to my “male orgasms”. And then I just want to be held and be close to Mistress. I can’t get close enough to her, it’s like I want to crawl inside her. I need to feel her right next to me, to hold her, to feel her touch. Sometimes I cry again.

It takes some time for me to come down. We talk and process it. She talks of feeling satisfied with her domination of me. I offer to pleasure her and she declines. I admit to feeling guilty about receiving such pleasure without her having any sexual pleasure, but she will not hear of it. Her “dom energy” had a wonderful outlet, she insists, and she is satisfied. I can’t argue or ask for anything better. I feel so grateful, so lucky, so happy. We hold each other quietly in bliss.

She inspects me and seems pleased with the marks she has left on my body. Visible bite marks, some will bruise by tomorrow. We both like it when she leaves marks on me that last a while.

Yesterday was one month since my last orgasm. I don’t think it’s even crossed her mind or mine for weeks. She will tease me about tiny, frequently. But her actions make it clear she has little actual use for my cock anymore. Just as well. I am happy enough submitting to her as she wishes, for her pleasure, at her will.