Q&A for Teens: Depressed and All My Fault

The key to your healing is: “I am a worthy creation simply because God created me.”

I'm so sorry, I'm not a teen (I'm 21) but I have no one Jewish to ask. I was diagnosed with anorexia two weeks ago (I've struggled with it for the last year). I've had depression since I was 13, and I self-harmed as a teen. Last week I found out that my heart muscle has weakened. Yesterday I found out I have osteoporosis. Anorexia stole my friends, I can't finish my nursing degree which I was in my last year of, and I can't make aliyah (move to Israel), which I was planning to do in February. What’s the point of recovering when my body is always going to be ill?

I can't be a nurse, I can’t run, I won’t be able to dance or hike. I'm 21 and I’ll have to live like an old person. I don't think this is just my depression speaking, I think I’m being quite realistic and that there really is nothing worth living for anymore. I'm sorry, I know there is probably no answer to this and I’ve put you in a horrible position and that’s not fair of me at all (don't worry about me committing suicide, I’m being seen by a psychiatrist) and I don’t even deserve for you to respond because I know this is all my fault. Just ignore me and don't feel pressured to respond.

Love, Amy(Name has been changed)

Lauren Roth's Answer

You just gave me the answer to all your problems right there: “I don’t even deserve for you to respond because I know this is all my fault. Just ignore me and don’t feel pressured to respond.”

The other key to bringing yourself to wholeness is the very first phrase of your question: “I’m so sorry….”

You deserve to ask a question! You deserve to submit your thoughts to Aish.com! You deserve to seek wholeness and healing. Instead of “I’m sorry,” it should be “I’m worth it.”

I had a client this week with your same issue: the issue of not valuing yourself enough. Here’s how part of the session went (names and identifying information have been changed, as usual):

Client: Ethan is such a jerk. All he does is tell me what I’m doing wrong, and then when we go out for dinner, he always expects me to pick up the bill, and he leaves his laundry all around the house and doesn’t clean up after himself, and his daughter constantly picks on my kid.

Me: What is the reason you’re keeping him as your boyfriend?

Client: I just don’t want to be alone.

Me: So you’d rather be with someone who impacts your life negatively than be free and happy alone?

Client: Yeah. But he’s such a jerk! He never holds the door for me, he always criticizes my cooking and my parenting and how I organize my time….

Me: I’m going to say something now that you probably won’t accept. But I’m going to say it anyway and maybe you can think about it. Okay?

Client: Okay.

Me: Here it is: You deserve better than this. You DESERVE better than this. You actually deserve to be treated well. What do you think of that?

Believe it or not, different clients will have different answers to that question. Many people don’t believe they deserve good in their lives. Many people believe they deserve to suffer. Many people believe they should be punishing themselves for something. A good therapist can help figure out what you might be trying to punish yourself for.

Anorexia is a classic outgrowth of wanting to punish yourself.

Anorexia is a classic outgrowth of wanting to punish yourself. If you build up your positive sense of self (through therapy is the best way), you will stop trying to commit slow suicide (which is how anorexia is described in the mental health community).

I want you to remember this: God loves you. I want you to say that to yourself every single day, until you start to believe it. Let me give you a few proofs that God loves you. I know that for someone with anorexia, these “proofs” are going to be hard for you to accept and to believe. But your therapy work should be learning to accept them and enjoy them. Ready? Here we go:

God made a beautiful world for us, filled with wonderful sights and sounds and tastes and smells and feelings. Chocolate cake is absolutely delicious. Tomatoes, watermelons, mint leaves, lemonade…so refreshingly delectable! Gorgeous vistas take our breath away. Music is enchanting, delightful, beautiful, incredible. The smells of flowers, freshly baked bread, clear mountain air...amazing. That’s the way God made our experience in this world, as a gift to us.

Can you imagine if we refueled ourselves like a car? If we just drove up to a gas pump, opened a hatch in our stomachs, and poured gasoline in? Instead, because He loves us, God gave us moist chicken, fluffy rice, crunchy cucumbers, sweet butternut squash, rich almonds…. Because He loves us, He gave us colors: the greens of grass and leaves, the pinks and yellows and purples and whites of flowers, the cerulean blue of the sky…. God wants us to enjoy this world.

The Talmud tells us that one of the questions we will be asked when we go to Heaven after our time here on Earth will be: “Did you enjoy my world?”

The way you phrased your question, and your anorexia, both tell me that you are not giving yourself permission to enjoy your life. And you do deserve to enjoy your life, because you are worthy simply because God created you. Your therapy work needs to be your getting yourself to believe that.

Let me share with you another interaction with another client this week. He was very willing to allow our conversation be published, to help other people feel better about themselves:

Client: I was so unproductive today. All I did was sit in the bathtub all day and read.

Me: That sounds lovely! What a fantastic day.

Client: No, it was terrible. I was so unproductive.

Me: Does every day have to be a productive day? Why not take a day to just enjoy?

Client: No. I have to be productive every day, or else I’m worthless.

Me: Let’s examine that thought. Is that really true? That if someone isn’t productive one day, they’re worthless as a human being created in the image of God?

We are still working on his slowly getting to the recognition that “I am worthy as a human being: (a) just because God created me, and; (b) because of my good character traits. Not because of how much I accomplish in any given day. My worth as a person is not dependent on that.”

My dear Amy, your job is to learn to love yourself. Your job is to learn to be kind to yourself. Your job is to learn to take loving, gentle care of yourself. Your job is to give to yourself.

God loves you. Now you just have to believe it.

In therapy, figure out what it is you are punishing yourself for. Figure out what it is that is blocking your self-love. Every person is worthwhile, or God would not have created you.

You deserve to ask questions, you deserve to get answers, you deserve the space you take up in this world. Having a therapist help you really believe those things will take care of your anorexia and your depression.

By the way, as I’m certain your psychiatrist has addressed, there are medications these days which help treat both depression and anorexia. We are so fortunate to have them in our arsenal; they were not available until the mid-1980’s, and they have been a most helpful therapeutic tool since then, and mental health practitioners are grateful for them every day.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Lauren Roth, MSW, LSW, is a graduate of Princeton University, and an inspirational speaker across North America and on the high seas. Mrs. Roth and her husband, Rabbi Dr. Daniel Roth, are the parents of six children.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 17

(15)
Joey,
May 7, 2014 7:01 AM

I think this was excellent advice to get to the root of "Amy's" problem. May God bless!

(14)
Shula,
February 27, 2014 4:56 PM

Keep Breathing...

Hi sweetie.... I've been through much the same, and for more years. You can do it. You may feel the limitations which exist now; but they can change. When the day feels like too much to face, just take one step at a time. Literally. When that one step feels like it will engulf you, just take one breath at a time. This breath is the Life HaShem has given you. For many years I was barely hanging on; but one thing I did (no matter if I felt like it or not... not matter if I believed it that day or not) was to read outloud Tehillim 25. This was my "main staple" to do no matter what else I did. This is not an easy road, but perhaps in healing yourself someday you can bring hope and healing to someone else. My young daughter died and I could not speak of it and could not see any good. But then one day I did speak of it; and on another day too... And both times I received the same response. One person told me he never learned to swim, and now he was going to. The other lady had grandchildren; called her daughter and told her she would pay for swimming lessons for all of them. I will never know if perhaps these things saved someones life... Baruch HaShem. I don't know why we suffer the things we do. But perhaps it is so we can truly say to someone "I know...I understand."

(13)
Anonymous,
February 18, 2014 6:24 PM

Me too

I just wanted to let you know that I was severely anorexic from the ages of 12-18, but then became religious and my anorexia magically went away... Now I am a healthy, young mother of two babies, B"H. Hashem can perform miracles for you too.

(12)
Anonymous,
January 24, 2014 5:28 AM

You are not alone in your struggles and you will get through. One thing we used to say everyday in elementary school was "I am a worth while person because i am created btzelem elokim (in G-d's image) everything we think say and do must show that we are created btzelem elokim" saying everyday that you will respect yourself because you have are an image of G-d is a step worth taking

(11)
Wes,
January 17, 2014 3:28 PM

wonderfully made...

Dear loved one,

the body is a miraculous thing- and it can repair damage! you are able to be healthy again- when a person doesn't have their health, it is so easy to become even more depressed and hopeless feeling- but even a small improvement to your health could change your whole outlook on life! I've felt like you have described- so have thousands. I will pray for you, that Hashem guides you to the right people that will be able to give you the healing you need!

(10)
Barbara,
January 16, 2014 7:02 PM

I Am 21 Too

I am 21 too. And I, too, am depressed. I've self harmed, I've gone on a binging career, and then I've gone through the phase of sticking my fingers down my throat so I can throw up. My point? What you're going through is not unheard of, and will be considered normal by many. It's what you MAKE of your current challenge that turns you into who you are.
You say you cannot go further. You say you don't deserve to go further. That's true- if it's what you believe. Because the only one who can stand up and walk is you- and if you don't believe you have any legs, chances are you ain't gonna walk.
Make yourself some legs, my dear. Get up, say you can, and say you will. My challenges aren't like yours are, and they never will be. Because the challenges you suffer are ones that only you can fathom, as they are designed especially for you. But I know that for me, my own challenges were crazy overwhelming.
Yet, despite that, I got up, back straight, and exclaimed, "I WILL fight!" And fight I did. Found myself a therapist, a psychiatrist, got put on med after med, without giving up when they failed. I got a job, found a family I liked and respected and formed a bond with them. Went out and sought friends to help me. I did whatever it took to get past the point of "I can't do it. I won't"
Because you can. Just by writing that letter to Lauren it shows you WANT to. Prove to yourself how willing you are to fight for the life you've got but one chance to live! I believe in you, as I'm sure many others do too! Go girl!

(9)
Rivka,
January 16, 2014 6:14 PM

Called to be a Nurse and the struggle to accept the calling

CALLED TO BE A NURSE

When You called me to be a nurseI pretended to be deaf, not to hearbut Your call was very terseI felt You more than ever nearI loved my job as a translatorI tried with all my might to escapethe deal with My celestial Debaterlooking for the smallest tiniest gapeI barely ate, I barely sleptI refused to watch “Dr. Kildare”for his nurse on me her eyes she keptI had to run from her inviting stareI like to serve but if at allthen as a flight attendantthis dragged my parents into a brawlin which I acted as the defendantThen came the day that I woke uphearing Your inviting Voiceoffering me to share Your loving Cup how could I refuse this choiceYou asked me to preparemyself for “my task for later”to get ready for the nursing careand in Your Name to cater.I accepted without restrictionand went swift to nursing schoolmy belief and strong convictionbecame my most powerful toolYou've always been with me at the bedsideeven patients testified of your omnipresencesome of them hot tears they cried thankful to receive so much pleasancebut Lord wherever You arethere Your opponent prowlsas the magnificent dog starenticing me to throw in the towelsI may well have lost a battlebut You promised me the victoryhe will stop his tail rattlewhen I read him his valedictory

I trust in You, my Savior and Provider. Rivka 01/09/2014

(8)
Rivka,
January 16, 2014 5:54 PM

Self destructive behaviors

I corrected 2 typos in what i wrote : Being a Nurse-Midwife for almost 44 years, what strikes me the most especially the last years is the lack of love that especially young people struggle with. Sex is NOT love. This world is over sexualised but is as cold as it can be. Thru bringing true love to my patients especially the ones with self destructing feelings I had beautiful outcomes. I really see this as my mission in life bringing G'd's Love to people, inspiring them. My life wasn't all peaches and cream, far from. It's easy for psychiatrists and doctors to prescribe medication but that doesn't HEAL the soul. This world treats the lack of true love as mental illnesses, please I'm sick of the way they treat some !!! The loneliness, suffering of the soul, are a sign of the evil times we are living in. This me me me society is NOT the solution. We are G'd's creation and should act like it we don't belong to the world. G'd will not ask us how many titles or degrees we accumulated, NO He will judge us as to the love we've spread towards our brothers and sisters. May G'd bless you abundantly, girl pray that He will give you the insight and strength and if He wants you to become a nurse you will and after all you went thru yourself you will be able to understand your patients better than the many others who see nursing as a money safe career. Baruch Atah Adonai Elokeinu, Melech HaOlam. May this girl be healed and be blessed in abundance. Rivka

Raphaelle Do Lern Hwei,
January 17, 2014 6:34 AM

Perfecting Self is Destructive

To the enquirer, Amy:I believe that aneroxia is due to pressure to perfect oneself according to the standards of others which may not be Biblical. Also, remember that G-d causes every single species to grow and reach maturity at different rates. A carrot root takes about 5 months to become mature and edible. But an apple tree takes about 3 years to produce edible fruit.Do not rush yourself to become something that you are not meant to be.You can still be a nurse. Maybe you should avoid those doing asthetic medicine for the time being...

(7)
Smady,
January 16, 2014 4:40 PM

Don't ever give up!

Hello Amy,

Reading through your question makes me want to tell you to never give up. Life is so difficult sometimes and it may look like there is no end to your suffering, but the beauty and purpose of this world and our struggles is that we have the ability to overcome. Not just overcome, but conquer. I believe in you, I believe that you can do this. You have such an amazing opportunity to give yourself meaning and purpose in life, even just by overcoming this difficulty you are facing. You can make such a great impact on this world after you get through this. Educating and encouraging others that are struggling just like you were. The best part is, once you overcome this, you will feel like a champion, you will understand that you are extremely worthy and that you have a great deal to contribute to this world. It is hard to find meaning in life without our struggles, I know that sounds strange, but this can become such a positive aspect of your life once you conquer this milestone. I truly wish you the best of luck and I can not wait for the day B'H that you see what you are really worth!

(6)
Jewish Mom,
January 12, 2014 10:54 PM

You can still have a normal life.

Amy, Lauren was focusing on the fact that you have intrinsic worth and that G-d loves you. That is certainly true. I want to relate to another part of what you wrote - that your life has no more value because you irreversibly ruined your health and now have no future to look forward to. You can't finish nursing school, make aliya, run, etc.Who says so? While right now you are very weak, who says you can't recover? Concentration camp survivors rebuilt their lives and went on to accomplish a world of good. I just looked this up: cardiomyopathy may be treated with dietary changes and medications. Love yourself and give yourself time to heal emotionally, physically and spiritually. And then, slowly, you'll be what you can accomplish, even if some of the weakness is permanent, and perhaps it is not. All this is besides the fact that the life of frail, elderly, or sickly young people is intrinsically valuable. Each blessing a person makes, each kind word a person utters, each mitzvah a person performs - all of these can be done in a state of weakness as well. You may even go on to create a support system to help others recover from anorexia, turning the experience of your darker years into tools to bring light to others! Hopefully, you will live to accomplish many worthwhile dreams. You deserve it!

Gavin-Chaim Ephraim,
January 16, 2014 11:07 PM

Well said 'Jewish Mom'

We are all in someways recovering from something or other.But this is all for our growth.A seed has to break apart in the dark earth before it can grow toward the light.A worm has to change form,go into a cocoon before it becomes a butterfly.Hashem loves us every step of the way and Hashem can heal every broken heart,literally and figuratively

(5)
Miriam,
January 12, 2014 10:27 PM

Lauren, this was so beautiful, thank you

You write beautifully!Yes, Amy, you can get better. You can learn to love yourself and value yourself. There is happiness out there and you will get there one day.Let me tell you something a great rabbi once wrote to his student: He said that exactly in the area you struggle with the most, therein lies your greatness.If you struggle with staying happy, positive, self-strengthening, that means your potential greatness lies in exactly that area.And one day you can reach your potential through that area.Who knows? Maybe one day, after your recovery, you will be able to help others struggling with what you're struggling with now.I will pray for you/ Best of luck.

(4)
shoshana,
January 12, 2014 7:03 PM

Emotional Freedom Technique

hi, i just recently went through a similar thing, and this sounds familiar..just the fact that you said "dont worry about me commiting suicide" shows that you have a lot of love and concern for others- now you just need to have some love and concern for yourself!! there are others who love you and have concern for you, but i totally get it that just knowing that intellectually is really hard to internalize- PLEASE PLEASE try E.F.T...Emotional Freedom Techniques. This is an amazing and simple way to clear out any blockages or limiting beliefs about ourselves and feel lighter, more energized and happier than ever before, and truly get in touch with our inner child as well...amazingly simple technique that I have found to be transformational in my life, and a lot more helpful than regular talk therapy. Just google it- EFT for depression...it can be a major help........thanks for helping heal the world by healing yourself :) love, shoshana p.s. albert einstein said, "our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond belief."

(3)
Rebecca,
January 12, 2014 4:41 PM

Wishing you a Refuah Shleimah!

My prayers are with you and I wish you much healing on your journey. I would like to add that you say you have been seeing a psychiatrist since age 13 so I assume that you have been placed on a variety of psychiatric medications over the years. It is really important to monitor for the side effects of these medications, especially for things like suicidal and homicidal ideation and even worse depression and/or mania, fatigue, lethargy, IBS etc.. So before anything else these medicines need to be addressed and see how and if they may be negatively impacting you. Speak to your doctors and remember never stop taking medications on your own. If that is a path you choose to take then find an empathic and compassionate doctor who will slowly wean you off and help detoxify your body. It may take a while since you have been taking these meds for so long.The key to healing is to get out of that victim mode and into an empowerment mode. And when you do, who knows maybe you will be able to help others with this condition and help make a difference in their lives. Right now start the process by being kind and loving to your mind, body and spirit. Acupuncture and other holistic healing alternatives have been found to help people with your symptoms. You may also want to contact wonderful therapists like Miriam Adahan and/or Peter Breggin who may able to guide you and give you some valuable guidance as well.

(2)
jacob,
January 12, 2014 2:28 PM

courage

It is really courageous that you are looking for help. I was suicidal and severely depressed for many years. I couldn't work. My health was in a very poor state. Somehow I survived it all. My fianceemarried a non-jew because I was depressed. I was heartbroken. I regained my health, but another woman whom I had hoped to marry also broke up with me because she was afraid i might relapse some day. I was devastated, but i managed to survive. I am now doing quite well and have been feeling good for several years. My faith in G*d helped me a lot.Lauren's suggestions are very good. You should try to internalize the fact that haShem created your for a specific purpose, and that he would not give you these trials if He was not sure that you would eventually learn to overcome and master them. Remember also Hillel's sayings "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?". Focus on your well-being, go out for daily walks, gradually build up strength and continue to have faith. Even in your most difficult hours you are not alone. I will pray for you.

(1)
Batya,
January 12, 2014 9:07 AM

Don't give up

Dear Amy,I understand what you are going through. I too suffered from depression but thank G-d those days are behind me. The worst thing you can do now is beat yourself up about it. It is not your fault and you mustn't be so hard on yourself. You have to learn to love yourself because you are important. How do I know this? G-d only creates us if we have a role to play in His world. The fact that you are here means you have a purpose, you are worthy and G-d loves you.As bleak as things may seem, it IS possible to regain control of your life.

May G-d bless you and help you reach a state of inner peace and self respect so you can overcome your struggles.

My Christian friends are always speaking about “faith.” To me this sounds a lot like blind faith. Is that really the essence of religion?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I'm afraid that this is another case of a Christian concept being mis-associated with Judaism.

Let's first define our terms. What is faith?

Webster defines faith as "Belief without proof."

What is knowledge? "An acquaintance with truth, facts or principles through study or investigation."

Faith is usually a product of desire. Have you ever gotten a tip on the market that guarantees you're going to triple your money in a month? A lot of smart people have gotten fleeced because they ignored the evidence and went with their feelings.

Knowledge, on the other hand, is based on evidence. We know there's a place called China because we have too many products in our house saying "made in China." There's a lot of evidence for the existence of China, even though most of us have never been there.

Judaism unequivocally comes down on the side of knowledge, not faith. In Deuteronomy 4:39, the Torah says: "You shall know this day, and understand it well in your heart, that the Almighty is God; in the heaven above and the earth below, there is none other." (This verse is also contained in the prayer, "Aleynu.")

This verse tells us that it is not enough to simply know in your head, intellectually, that God is the Controller of everything. You must know it in your heart! This knowledge is much more profound than an intellectual knowledge. God gave us a brain because he wants us to think rationally about the world, our role in it, and our relationship with God.

A conviction based on desire or feelings alone has no place in Judaism. The Hebrew word "emunah," which is often translated as faith, does not describe a conviction based on feelings or desire. It describes a conviction that is based on evidence.

Once this knowledge is internalized, it effects how a person lives. A person with this knowledge could transform every breathing moment into a mitzvah, for he would do everything for the sake of the heaven. But this is not a "knowledge," that comes easily. Only intensive Torah learning and doing mitzvahs can achieve this knowledge. Every word of Torah we learn moves us just a little bit closer to that goal. And everyone is capable of that.

To learn more, read "The Knowing Heart," by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto (Feldheim.com). This entire book is an explanation of this verse!

In 350 BCE, the building of the second Holy Temple was completed in Jerusalem, as recorded in the biblical Book of Ezra (6:15). The re-building of the Temple had begun under Cyrus when the Persians first took over the Babylonian empire. The re-building was then interrupted for 18 years, and resumed with the blessing of Darius II, the Persian king whom is said to be the son of Esther. The Second Temple lacked much of the glory of the First Temple: There was no Ark of the Covenant, and the daily miracles and prophets were no longer part of the scenery. The Second Temple would stand for 420 years, before being destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE.

You shall know this day and consider it within your heart(Deuteronomy 4:39).

Business people who are involved in many transactions employ accountants to analyze their operations and to determine whether or not they are profitable. They may also seek the help of experts to determine which products are making money and which are losing. Such studies allow them to maximize their profits and minimize their losses. Without such data, they might be doing a great deal of business, but discover at the end of the year that their expenditures exceeded their earnings.

Sensible people give at least as much thought to the quality and achievement of their lives as they do to their businesses. Each asks himself, "Where am I going with my life? What am I doing that is of value? In what ways am I gaining and improving? And which practices should I increase, and which should I eliminate?"

Few people make such reckonings. Many of those that do, do so on their own, without consulting an expert's opinion. These same people would not think of being their own business analysts and accountants, and they readily pay large sums of money to engage highly qualified experts in these fields.

Jewish ethical works urge us to regularly undergo cheshbon hanefesh, a personal accounting. We would be foolish to approach this accounting of our very lives with any less seriousness than we do our business affairs. We should seek out the "spiritual C.P.A.s," those who have expertise in spiritual guidance, to help us in our analyses.

Today I shall...

look for competent guidance in doing a personal moral inventory and in planning my future.

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