My partner and I are jealous and violent toward each other

My partner split up in January for two-and-a-half months due to his getting drunk several times and being verbally abusive. We did not have regular se...

Question

I split up with my partner for two-and-a-half months, due to his getting drunk several times and being verbally abusive. We did not have regular sex because of a colposcopy I had last year that affected me enormously, although I didn’t recognise it until recently.

We kept in touch whilst we were apart and decided to try again. We were back together for about three months.

My partner was very possessive, jealous and controlling, and I have since found out that this is due to his anger about another man who has been my friend for seven years.

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My partner was extremely jealous of him. I couldn’t understand why he was suddenly so much against him but did not stop contact between my friend and myself.

Back then my contact with my male friend only consisted of phone calls every few months. I spoke to him in front of my partner. I would have loved for my partner and him to meet, but due to my partner’s jealous reaction to my friend I didn’t feel this was possible.

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During our break-up my friend came round my house and my partner saw him. He also saw the curtains were wide open; I was sat on one chair and my friend on another. My hair was also greasy; I had no make up on and also one of my partner’s jumpers on. My partner ended up being violent with me and I ended the relationship again. This time our split was for three months.

We are trying again. I love him dearly and missed him so much. I did meet a man and ended up sleeping with him on one occasion but I couldn’t get my partner out of my mind and couldn’t carry on with it.

I also ended up sleeping with the friend I spoke about previously. This was the biggest mistake of my life. I bitterly regret it, especially as I was drunk when it happened. I have now stopped all contact with him.

I have been totally honest with my partner about what has happened and he too has been honest to me about what he did whilst we were apart. He had a 5-week relationship with a Turkish girl whom he met a few days after we finished. He also slept with a girl who works at the gym he goes to and also had a 3-week relationship with another girl.

All of this is tearing me apart. I cannot stop thinking about the time he shared with these girls, not just the sex but also the intimacy.

He emailed the Turkish girl regularly and told me about the tearful farewell they had at the airport. He has also told me she was a virgin and that the sex they shared was oral and anal. I feel sick every time I think about the intimacy. My partner blames me for finishing the relationship, saying that I knew I could have him back at any time but he couldn’t. Therefore he had to do what he did, whereas I didn’t and therefore what I have done is worse.

We have argued a lot about what has happened but I have reacted much worse than him. Most of the time he is brilliant, but I cannot stop the insane jealously.

I have been violent with him now. I have tried so hard to control my temper but I can’t – I have even smashed up my belongings. Again my partner is brilliant, he calms me down, helps me to clear up and tells me that he doesn’t hold the violence against me. I’m totally obsessed with this Turkish girl. I go through his belongings. I don’t know what I’m trying to find but I looked at his mobile the other day and she has been texting him. I don’t know what to do.

Answer

David writes:

This is quite a mess. It makes the plot of East Enders look calm and uncomplicated! The violence, abuse, jealousy, alcohol and betrayal in this relationship doesn’t bode well for the future. I find it hard to see how you two could possibly make a go of it, but we'll see what Christine says.

Christine adds:

I'm afraid I have to agree that this relationship appears to be doing both of you much more harm than good. You obviously both have huge issues with jealousy.

Let’s look at what you're saying here:

Your partner is 'possessive, jealous and controlling'.

He was also 'extremely jealous' of a man who was a friend of yours.

He was 'verbally abusive' to you and 'drunk'.

He ended up 'being violent' with you.

Look at this list honestly: do you want to have a permanent relationship with someone who is all of the above?

And now because of the split, when you both had sex with other people, you argue all the time and you are now violent towards him. You're obsessed with his friendship with the Turkish girl.

Is this the right way to be going on? Isn't it all rather too exhausting for real, normal life? It seems so to me.

I know you have love for each other – and a kind of passionate sexual attraction. Of that I'm quite sure. But I can't see a future for you both unless you both take drastic steps to stop the drama and to go together for relationship counselling. The best people to approach would be Relate. Their number will be in your local phone book.

I do wish you every success with sorting this relationship, but I fear that it is always going to be turbulent and that it may never settle down into something that you can both live with.

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