The Bottom of the News 2014

Each weekday, NextDraft’s Bottom of the news includes the oddest or funniest news, and all the other stuff that just doesn’t quite fit anywhere else. Below, you’ll find all of it from 2014. It should provide enough laughs, entertainment and head-scratching to last you well into the new year. And if you don’t get NextDraft, sign-up for the newsletter or get the app here.

If it hasn’t already been consumed by a swollen solar fireball, the Earth’s orbit will have decayed and it will plunge into the sun. That’s the bad news. The good news is that probably won’t happen for another one hundred quintillion years. the BBCshares a timeline of the far future.

Last year, NPR’s Bob Boilen saw a lot of live music. And I mean a lot: 662 shows, 549 bands,139 clubs, 21 cities. So he’s one of the few people on the planet qualified to write a piece on his 116 Favorite Concerts Of 2013.

“It is more than a decade after their fame peaked, and yet here [they] are … with a few thousand fans, fans who are screaming, shouting, singing along, laughing at every joke, shoving one another to get closer to the stage.” Torie Bosch courageously shares her story: I Went On A Backstreet Boys Cruise.

+ Sooner or later, everything good for you is bad for you. So maybe this headline was inevitable: The Dark Side Of Kale (other than trying to chew it).

“The egging incident marks the latest clash between the pop star and his neighbors, who have accused him of throwing loud parties and speeding through the neighborhood.” Justin Bieber has been detained and his home is being searched in connection with a felony egging case. (At his age, at least he doesn’t have to worry about the cholesterol.)

OK, before we get into this, let me say that I probably did worse things than Justin Bieber when I was nineteen (and I sold a total of zero albums). According to, well, everyone in the media and on social media, Bieber was arrested for a DUI and resisting arrest after drag racing his yellow Lamborghini, leading to what will undoubtedly be one of the world’s most famous mugshots. (At least he wasn’t snorting Smarties.)

+ Pope Francis just called the Internet a “gift from God.” (Clearly, he’s a NextDraft subscriber.)

+ Yes, you can bet on how many times Peyton Manning will yell “Omaha” during the Super Bowl. (Take the over…)

The petition demanding the deportation of Justin Bieber now has more than 100,000 online signatures. That means the White House must respond. “We the people of the United States feel that we are being wrongly represented in the world of pop culture.”

“Ray is actually the most interesting guy to me, because he’s pathologically honest, and he can be toxic to other people when he’s angry and can’t regulate it. But he shows, for the most part, an amazing amount of insight into himself and other people.” As if their symtoms weren’t obvious enough, here’s a psychiatrist analyzing the characters on Girls.

+ “During a couples-therapy session, therapist Ellen Winston of Lakewood, Colo., brought along her assistant, Sasha — who happens to be a dog.”

“To me, America used to be a place that made steel and cars and had giant department stores. Now basically we produce amateur talent and people that judge amateur talent.” Jerry Seinfeld gets coffee with Howard Stern.

Equal but Separate: “There’s more gender-fluidity when it comes to who brings in the money, who does the laundry and dishes, who drives the car pool and braids the kids’ hair, even who owns the home … But the very qualities that lead to greater emotional satisfaction in peer marriages, as one sociologist calls them, may be having an unexpectedly negative impact on these couples’ sex lives.” From NYT Magazine: Does a More Equal Marriage Mean Less Sex? (There’s absolutely no way I’m doing the dishes tonight.)

For a few brief Internet moments, game maker Dong Nguyen had the very thing that everyone who puts stuff on the Internet thinks they want more than anything: A full-fledged hit. Flappy Bird went viral, and it went to the top of the charts in the app stores. And then it went away right after its creator tweeted: “I cannot take this anymore” and removed the game from stores.

“You may never know their names or see their faces, but becoming a go-to voice in Hollywood requires just as much hard work and hustle as making it on the big screen.” From Narratively: Secrets From Voiceover School. (Related: Lake Bell directed and starred in a fun movie on this topic called: In a World…)

+ The excellent Om Malik is leaving the day to day grind of his creation, GigaOm: Here’s his post on the subject: “Living a 24-hour news life has come at a personal cost. I still wake in middle of the night to check the stream to see if something is breaking, worrying whether I missed some news. It is a unique type of addiction that only a few can understand.” (Om, wait, take me with you…)

“Now I loathe and despise the media in a way I did not think possible.” Alec Baldwin says good-bye to public life. And it only took him 5357 words in a national magazine to do it.

+ Adam Muema left the NFL Combine because God told him that he was already certain to be drafted by the Seattle Seahawks. (I wonder how he’d react if God told him he’d be playing for the Cleveland Browns…)

If you are of a certain age, there’s almost no doubt you spent a few hours of your youth listening to prank calls recorded by a duo that called themselves The Jerky Boys. Times have changed. Can they make a comeback? From Rolling Stone: The Calls that Changed Comedy.

+ “We really, genuinely felt we were writing the most successful comedy to date.” The oral history of Ghostbusters. (It seems wrong to have to read an oral history…)

+ My wife is on a plane. And by the time she lands, I want to have gotten her a thousand new Twitter followers. In the Internet age, this is what counts as a grand, romantic gesture. And if I don’t prove that I can accomplish this feat, she might not believe my subscriber numbers and make me get a real job. So, Follow My Wife, Please (and tell your followers to do the same). Oh, and you’ll totally enjoy following her. She’s like me, but attractive, smart, funny, and less needy.

Breaking Bad: You’re eating your pancakes. You have a perfect, unobstructed view of the ocean. The waves are so close they look like they could crash right through the window. And then one does. The most amazing part is the patron in the second video who’s immediate reaction is: “Time to go.”

These days, with your job getting more complex and your privacy at risk, it pays to be tech savvy. So it might surprise you to learn that one in ten Americans think that HTML is an STD. And 27% think a gigabyte is a South American insect.

+ “Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that you are here, but why are you here? What good could come of this? Have you ever seen this show?” Toronto Mayor Rob Ford decided to appear on Jimmy Kimmel’s show. It was a poor decision, but not that poor by comparison to the others he’s made.

“I think of myself as the kind of investor who sits on the same side of the table as the entrepreneur. If it’s a stand-up desk, I’ll stand. If it’s a treadmill desk, it’s still doable. I mean, I’m wearing dress shoes right now, but I can easily pivot and put on some sneakers.” I’ve been investing in start-ups for more than a decade. So I figured I’d offer a little insight into the current funding environment: Here’s your guide to raising $10 million for your tech start-up without really trying.

+ “Thank you for submitting your tape of “U2″ … We have listened with careful consideration, but feel it is not suitable for us at present. We wish you luck with your future career.” From Mental Floss: 10 rejection letters sent to famous people.

“But when Puddles the Clown sang his songs, something happened. He was no longer scary; he was no longer creepy; everything on the outside faded away. His voice was an equalizer.” Grantland’s Justin Heckert goes in search of Puddles, the saddest clown of all, whose voice — along with Lorde’s music — made him an Internet star.

“It takes a number of years to develop the car. It’s a great project to work on. This particular one, more so than any of them in the past. In the past, they were retrofitting existing vehicles — with this, this is really from the ground up a new vehicle, and we really do it right.” The Secret Service is seeking bids for new presidential limo.

+ “It just catches you because they were fly as hell.” The short documentary on how a controversial jersey design helped lead a team to a national title: Untucked.

+ “A few months ago I spent one of those beautiful Scottish summer mornings watching a 450 kilogram pig ejaculate into a coffee Thermos that was being held at an appropriate ‘catch-all’ angle by a bearded Slovenian man. Wait. Let me clarify.”

“I found it indecent that I had to see the nipples of Anthony Kiedis.” This year’s Super Bowl FCC complaints are in.

+ Two weeks ago, Walter Williams died and was placed in a body bag. A few hours later, he started moving around and it turned out he was actually alive. Yesterday, he died again. (I’m guessing they’ll wait a few extra hours before they start the embalming process this time.)

“The end of human consciousness will also mean an end to humanity’s most perplexing and frustrating question: “How did a guy like Mark Cuban make all that money?” Since scientists are learning more about the origins of the planet, I thought I’d provide a list of the six ways the world could end.

“Don’t talk a lot if you have high status. People will assume you’re competent and when you talk, they will listen to you.” That’s one piece of leadership advice. Here’s another: Dress like a slob, especially in places where most people are dressed well.

+ “That year I went from being a poor high school dropout who toured in vans to have fun and worked manual labor to buy pot, to recording that album. When you’re standing in front of 50,000 people at Reading and they’re singing along with every word, it’s hard not to look out and think, How the f**k did this happen?” A brief oral history of the early days of Nirvana.

“On his computer he keeps an up-to-date list of his progeny to reduce the risk that they might unwittingly interbreed.” Ed Houben donates his sperm, in “the traditional way.” And he’s up to 98 kids and counting.

Jeopardy gets all the press, but I was brought up on Wheel of Fortune. And this week, a contestant pulled off what Pat Sajak called the “most amazing solve in my 30-plus years on the show.” Here it is, along with some other great moments around the Wheel.

“On the first day, God created the navy blue blazer with brass buttons and khakis. And I looked and saw that it was not good. On the second day, He made the ill-fitting all-black suit. And I looked and saw that it was kinda bland. On the third day he created the boxy grey suit — and things were starting to get bleak. On the fourth day, I cried. The hunt for my bar mitzvah suit was failing miserably.”

Yes, it was impressive when a San Francisco Girl Scout came up with the idea of selling her cookies outside of a medical marijuana facility. But Oklahoma City’s Katie Francis was not to be outdone. She sold a record 18,107 boxes.

+ New Yorker: “A recent study has shown that if American parents read one more long-form think piece about parenting they will go f**king ape shit.”

McSweeney’s: “As you know, we took a lot of measurements this morning — height, weight, head circumference — and in most respects, your baby is doing great. There’s just one thing, and it’s not necessarily something to be concerned about, but we do need to talk about it: Your baby’s Klout score is in the 25th percentile.”

“Sometimes, when I’m tired, I just let it go, because it’s cold outside, and I’ve run out of board games to play and tedious craft projects to do. Every parent knows that a screen works flawlessly for subduing annoying kids.” Deadspin’s Drew Magary wonders: Why Are Screens Better Than Real Life?

+ “Anyone who’s been within a thousand miles of one can tell youâ€¦ There is no tantrum like a Put-Down-the-iPad Tantrum.” I wrote a piece on the rage associated with pulling one’s attention away from a screen: Don’t Look Into the Light.

“Disillusioned with a life that had become increasingly materialistic, he had abruptly abandoned his career as a neurologist and moved to a studio by the beach. The locals called him Slomo, knowing little about his past life, but cheering and high-fiving him as he skated by in slow motion. He had become a Pacific Beach institution.” By way of an article and a short documentary from the NYT, meet Slomo.

When a big dog keeps a postal employee from delivering the mail, it’s not really news. But when a pretty small dog keeps the mail from being delivered to an entire neighborhood, it’s worth taking notice.

Jon Hamm was once a contestant on a dating show, and he lost (for good reason). In this old clip, Mark L. Walberg is the host of the game show. He went on to host Temptation Island, and then somehow ended up as host of Antiques Roadshow.

Amazon has introduced a wand called Dash; “a thin, wand-like device … that includes both a microphone and a barcode scanner. Speak into it or scan a box of cereal or pack of toilet paper to automatically add that product to your AmazonFresh shopping list.” If this thing vibrates, I’m history.

+ Need to tone things down a bit after last night’s much anticipated return of Game of Thrones. Relax into a pair of headphones and enjoy the smooth jazz version of the show’s theme song.

“Astronaut wives only had to hold out for a week before their husbands came home. If Sonia goes to Mars, she’s not coming back. The Mars One Project is a one-way trip to establish a permanent human colony there.” In Texas Monthly, Jason Stanford reflects on his wife’s travel plans: Honey, I Want to Move to Mars.

For the latest cover of Rolling Stone, Julia Louis-Dreyfus took off her clothes and had the Constitution Photoshopped to her back. A little lower, we see John Hancock’s signature. Unfortunately, he signed the Declaration of Independence. It’s now almost impossible to differentiate between Dreyfus and a real Veep.

+ At least five percent of American Samoa has pink eye. Islands are the new cruise ships.

It’s hard to believe, but the FBI reports that a 16 year-old survived a flight from California to Hawaii while stowed away in a plane’s wheel well. (And he left his cell phone on during takeoff and landing.)

These days it seems like every investor is sharing tips and branding themselves as experts. So after more than a decade of investing in, and working with, startups, I’ve decided to finally share My Secret Investment Strategy.

“The phones are taking away the ability to just sit there. That’s being a person. Because underneath everything in your life there is that forever-empty thing … that knowledge that it’s all for nothing and you’re alone … The thing is, because we don’t want that first bit of sad, we push it away with a little phone or a jack-off … You never feel completely sad or completely happy, just kinda satisfied with your product, and then you die.” GQ’s most excellent Andrew Corsello pays a visit to Louis C.K., America’s undisputed king of comedy.

+ Syndicated from Kottke: We all know Michael Jackson invented the moonwalk on-stage during a performance of Billie Jean at the Motown 25th Anniversary show. What this video presupposes is, maybe he didn’t?

Adding to the list of related lawsuits, some former Buffalo cheerleaders are suing their NFL employers for violating several labor laws (and for repeatedly exposing them to Bills’ football). As part of the complaint, we’re given a rather disturbing glimpse into the General hygiene & lady body maintenance section of the cheerleaders’ handbook.

+ “If you were to cross paths with one of your farming ancestors (circa 7,500 to 2,000 B.C.), he’d shove you to the ground, kick sand in your face, and jog off into the sunset with your mate slung over his shoulder.” In other words, by comparison, you are out of shape.

Was Pippa Middleton wearing a false bottom? Is Stephane Bern, “a Knight of the Order of Grimaldi in Monaco … known as a top royal ettiquette expert” correct in his assertion that, in reality, Pippa has normal buttocks? (The fact that someone can suggest such a thing and still have a head attached to his body is proof that the Royals have no power left.)

“We made small talk in the checkout line at Trader Joe’s. You said that you literally could not live without the salsa you were buying. I wish we could talk again. You used ‘literally’ incorrectly. It really pissed me off. I wish you could literally not live without that salsa, because then I’d take it from you.” The New Yorker: Missed Connections for A-Holes.

In China, “every day, Kenny G’s Going Home is piped into shopping malls, schools, train stations and fitness centers as a signal to the public that it is time, indeed, to go home.” Makes sense. I usually leave when I hear Kenny G.

+ “Andre Johnson, the rapper known as Christ Bearer and/or Andre Roxx, says that it was a combination of missing his two daughters, marijuana and a book about monks and vasectomies that inspired him to remove his penis with a steak knife last month.”

+ “I fave things because favoriting is important and society is broken and Twitter is a meaningless and empty way for me to pass the time and avoid any form of introspection that might make me a better or more productive person.” That’s why Mat Honan favorites Tweets. Here’s why the rest of us do.

“The bitch of it is there’s no planned obsolescence. When people say, ‘I’ve got my grandmother’s pan,’ I say, ‘That’s not helping me a damn bit.'” It’s not easy being in the cast iron business. (I’ve always preferred Valyrian Steel.)

We love a good comeback story or a tale of someone who bootstrapped themselves to success. But if the Internet has taught us anything, it’s that we love to see people fall on their faces (and maybe even give them a little push) even more. Christine Grimaldi wonders, why does schadenfreude make us feel so good?

+ What will it take for Universal Pictures to complete the Fast and Furious movie that stars the late Paul Walker? Two brothers, face replacement technology, and according to them, about $50 million of insurance money.

+ Syndicated from Kottke: Through a series of unlikely events, Steven Frank was able to master the near-unwinnable Dragon’s Lair when he was a kid. And for one day, it made him a God amongst kids. (Well, nerdy kids anyway.)

Looking to get your favorite band to play at an upcoming event? Pricenomics has been kind enough to put together a rough-estimate rate card so you’ll know how much it might cost you. My parents actually tried to book Barry Manilow for my bar mitzvah. Alas, he was booked. (Thankfully, so was Macklemore…)

+ “Although my training tells me not to overuse exclamation points because they are shouty and juvenile, I find myself using them because I fear being seen as unfriendly or insincere if I only use a period.” Even grammar experts can’t help themselves. It’s too late. Exclamation marks are unstoppable now.

+ (New feature) Popular from yesterday’s NextDraft: This weekend, everyone I know was talking about the Client Feedback on the Creation of the Earth piece featured with some other interesting/odd stuff in Friday’s bottom of the news.

I’ve known about this app for a long time, but I’ve had to hold it in until now. Goodby, Silverstein & Partners has come up with an app to get kids to think more about the nutritional content of the foods in the grocery store. How could that be possible? Well, here’s a hint: The app is called Fart Code.

“Are you surrounded by fools? Are you the only reasonable person around? Then maybe you’re the one with the jerkitude.” I distinctly remember my mom explaining this theory to me in junior high. For a refresher, here’s Aeon’s Eric Schwitzgebel with a theory of jerks.

The folks over at Pricenomics are trying to figure out why people don’t adopt black pets? One study “found that dogs with black coats were more likely to be euthanized, while dogs with white, gold, and gray coats had significantly higher adoption rates.” During a recent and difficult discussion with my cat, I was forced to admit that we mostly chose her because her coat matches our couch.

“It’s hard to overemphasize the passivity of tubing. It is sloth ingeniously disguised as adventure. Though you are outside, you may as well be in your living room watching television. The tube forces you into a nearly horizontal recline, a posture easily mistakable for someone taking a nap.” Sounds like my kind of sport. Sam Anderson on the laid-back art of tubing.

+ So, are we prepared to dismiss our preconceived notions of her as some sad gum-chewing has-been to make room for another interpretation? What if Britney has somehow become a feminist role model for single working mothers here and everywhere?” I’m not sure we’re prepared for that, but that doesn’t make this read on Britney’s residence in Las Vegas any less interesting.

+ “The latest evidence suggests that typefaces convey their own meanings and elicit their own emotions independent of the words they spell out.” Yes, it’s time to face the science of Comic Sans.

“The relationship between Lovatt and Peter was certainly unnatural, but not unheard of. Still, I strongly urge you to stay away from dolphins in a sexual capacity.” The Wire reports on the science experiment that led to close encounters between a woman and a dolphin. (In some corners of the Internet, this story will completely overshadow the World Cup.)

+ Mike Evans worked a crazy schedule as the co-founder of GrubHub. Now, he’s taking some time off from the grind of work. But his schedule is even tougher. He decided to ride his bike across America. And you can join me and follow along.

“But I’ll tell you the most believable thing about this whole series is the idea that Piper only got 15 months for running dope money … Because she’s white, rich, and blonde.” An ex-con reviews Orange Is the New Black.

+ “With a case of Busch beer by her side, a menthol cigarette in her hand, and a disco ball flashing overhead Miriam Burbank attended her last party.” Everyone wonders what it would be like to attend your own funeral. Miriam Burbank sort of did.

He “was intrigued upon learning that by pressing upward on the dog’s diaphragm, the meat shot out.” Four decades later, Newshour looks back at how Dr. Heimich got his maneuver.

+ Two tech entrepreneurs are celebrating their fourth wedding anniversary by rowing a boat from Monterey to Hawaii. (My wife and I are spending our anniversary being grateful neither of us married one of these people.)

“They say never, ever be pictured with a drink in your hand and never swear. But this is a big fu**ing deal.” So said LA Mayor (and cool dude) Eric Garcetti while celebrating the Stanley Cup his city’s team had just secured. Needless to say, there was controversy. But most people were pro-F-bomb. Meanwhile, Bill de Blasio, mayor of the city of the losing team, was forced to sing I love LA on Jimmy Kimmel.

“Be assured that my love for the city of San Marino is not diminished, and I will continue to do my best as a council member to fulfill the duties for which I was elected, and at the same time, restore the public’s confidence in me.” Yes, the mayor of San Marino has resigned after being caught tossing dog poop into his neighbor’s yard. (I’m reserving judgement until after I meet the neighbor.)

“A man with a ponytail sold tickets to a comedy club, while guys in green vests hawked tickets for a bus tour. The crowds inched past. In the interstices of the mob were a Power Ranger, a Spider-Man, a Woody from Toy Story, Minnie Mouse, two Cookie Monsters, a Super Mario, Hello Kitty, two more Elmos, and a Batman.” The New Yorker’s Jonathan Blitzer takes you inside the world of a Times Square Elmo. I can’t picture Travis Bickle driving his cab through this Times Square … though by now, I suppose he’d be driving for Uber.

“As art goes, Robin Thicke’s Paula is … the musical equivalent of a Facebook friend who refuses to stop overdoing it on tequila slammers and ranting about the demise of their relationship. It’s messy, it’s generally grammatically incoherent, it’s humiliating for everyone involved.” And even with all that going for it, apparently it’s not that good.

When I was a kid, I regularly reported to my parents that I could hear the lettuce screaming when I ate my salad. Time has proven that my reports were driven more by neurosis than scientific observation. Until now. According to a recent study, plants can hear themselves being eaten.

“German doctors say they have treated a Motorhead fan whose headbanging habit ultimately led to a brain injury, but that the risk to metal fans in general is so small they don’t need to give up the shaking.” And they said rock was dead.

Andrew R. Rector was repeatedly shown on television as he slept through part of a Yankees-Red Sox game back in April. So now he’s suing MLB, ESPN, and the Yankees claiming that “the images of him asleep and the announcers’ commentary has damaged his reputation.” Well, this lawsuit ought to build it right back up.

Ever find yourself reflecting on a co-worker who has worked their way up the corporate ranks with seemingly litte talent and wondered, “How do they do it?” It could be that they know how to use the dark triad of personality traits: manipulativeness, narcissism, and antisocial behavior. (Those seem to be the same things that work in dating.)

Everyone in business likes to talk about going after the lowest hanging fruit. So Pacific Standard’s decided to go in search of the world’s actual lowest hanging fruit. (This reminds me of joke my great-Uncle Mordy used to tell in the steam room.)

+ If you were born between ’93 and ’97, you may have just received a letter from the Selective Service ordering you to register for the draft or face a fine and imprisonment. Thankfully, it was for the years between 1893 and 1897.

Whenever I call customer service, I warn them that the call may be recorded for quality control. Journalist Ryan Block should have done the same as he recorded the already infamous Comcast service call from hell.

He feels like the game Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 portrays him as “a kidnapper, murderer and enemy of the state.” So former Panama dictator Manuel Noriega is suing Activision Blizzard for using his name without permission. The Onion should sue Noriega. This story infringes on their turf.

+ What happens to a parody artist when life becomes a parody. We’re about to find out. From Grantland: The Winter of Weird Al.

Some U.S. hospitals are following the lead of their European counterparts and using nitrous oxide as a way to relieve the pain of childbirth. I don’t know about childbirth, but it definitely makes parenthood easier.

Build a rocket. Shoot some arrows. Swim, ride, throw, camp, and more. It’s the season for Summer Camp for Adults. (When your kids are away at summer camp, and you’re at home, that’s summer camp for adults.)

“Christie Watson’s kids love eating ice cream. But one recent morning, she saw an uneaten ice cream sandwich sitting on her patio table. When she looked closer, she couldn’t believe what she was seeing.” It turned out that the ice cream sandwich didn’t melt. I think the bigger concern is that she has a kid who abandoned an uneaten ice cream sandwich.

+ Aeon’s Simon Blackburn ruminates on Narcissus wonders whether you can have self-worth without self-love. (I’ve been having the opposite every day since I was thirteen.)

+ “We think of Dylan in a pantheon of great rock stars, at or near the top of a select list that includes the Stones, Springsteen, maybe U2 … But he behaves much differently.” Bill Wyman wonders: How did Bob Dylan get so weird? (This is just a theory. But it could have been the 60s.)

+ Grover Norquist explains why he’s going to Burning Man. Probably for the same reason everyone else goes. The art, the drugs, and the non-gender specific naked hugging of strangers that lasts a little too long but then is mysteriously forgotten a few hours later.

Buzzfeed gets serious and asks: Why don’t British singers have British accents when they sing? And while we’re on the topic, why do American singers have British accents when they talk? (Now that’s a jolly good question.)

Robinson Meyer in The Atlantic: I drank a cup of hot coffee that was overnighted across the country.” Yes, it was a PR stunt (and a good one), but it also provides a look at the complicated, pervasive intersection of logistics and culture. (But sadly, they forgot the cream.)

“For weeks I’d been wanting to write a straw man argument takedown, but I couldn’t find the right argument to oppose. Then my four year-old said something totally wrong about String Theory.” For the good of journalism and the future of media, I’ve decided to share this list (yes, of course it’s a list): An Internet Journalist Shares Eleven Breakthrough Moments.

In what could be the ultimate man bites dog story of all time, Donald Trump is suing to have his name removed from two buildings. Trump argues that two casinos he once owned in Atlantic City have “fallen into such disrepair that their continued association with the Trump name is hurting his brand.” Suggestion: Trump’s hair should hire a lawyer.

My child “will, at some point, come across my Twitter profile; my professional and my personal writing archive; my RateMyProfessor page; my life as a burgeoning rock star. That will be a frightening day.” Josh Sternberg worries about the day his kid decides to Google him. I used to worry about this until I realized that our kids aren’t going to be interested enough in us to bother.

A lot of you let me know when you find a typo in NextDraft. Well, I can finally explain why it’s often impossible for me to catch them myself. It’s because I’m wildly intelligent and working on an extremely high level task. (I’m also distracted, have blurred vision, and just finished my second quart of French Roast.) From WIred: Why It’s So Hard to Catch Your Own Typos.

+ My son is only eight, but he already slams his door shut and cranks rock music at top volume. He recently asked me: “How do you play an electric guitar?” Kid, let’s start with this video: The history of the electric guitar in one song. (But as soon as you’re done watching it, you’re learning to code!)

+ And if you missed it yesterday, there were some great music-related links: In Vinyl Veritas.

+ “Capricorn Ted Cruz can’t get along with ‘typical Leo’ Barack Obama. Maybe the Zodiac can explain why DC is so screwed up.

Thanks to some recent court cases, the NCAA’s draconian financial grip on the lives of college athletes is showing signs of loosening. For a glimpse of what college sports might look like without all the rules and supervision, you might want to check out bass fishing. (That’s my first time typing that phrase…)

The NYT’s Alex Williams provides a list of some of the modern day power couples: “Thanks to the limitless opportunities for self-promotion that exist on Twitter, Facebook and other sites, each member of a power couple can now serve as the other’s best publicist, pumping his or her partner’s latest television appearance, award or book signing, all in the spirit of love.”

Walk at the same pace as those around you. Do not make an effort to use overly big words. And of course, make sure you’ve read your latest edition of NextDraft. These are just a few tips on how to look smart.

+ If you want to wake up in the city that never sleeps, you better head somewhere other than NYC. According to data collected by Jawbone, people who live there go to bed at a perfectly reasonable hour.

Attention ridiculous parents: The creator of the Your Baby Can Read program has “reached a deal to settle charges that he and his company made baseless pronouncements about the effectiveness of the program and that they misrepresented scientific studies to prove these bogus statements.” The program has pulled in more than $185 million over the years. Dr. Robert Titzer is required to pay $300,000 in penalties. Your baby can’t read, but they can certainly count well enough to figure out who came out ahead in that deal.

+ Greatest guitar riff ever? A panel says it’s Whole Lotta Love. Special thanks to perhaps the greatest guitar player ever for going to eleven with this explanation: “There was this intent to have this riff and the movement of it, so it was menacing as well as quite sort of caressing.”

We started this edition by questioning the ability of the Internet to provide a panacea. Let’s end with a reminder of all that is great about this online world of ours with this remarkably enjoyable video: Is this the new iPhone 6?

The web nearly exploded when we learned that Sanrio execs suggested that Hello Kitty is not a cat: “She’s a cartoon character. She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat.” Yeah, and next you’re gonna tell me that Snoop is not really a Dogg. Sanrio has attempted to clarify. The Wire has collected the latest updates.

“Sheepishly, I inform him that it’s the colloquial term for the patch of skin between the genitals and the anus, properly known as the perineum. People call it the taint, I say, because it taint one part and it taint the other, either.” NY Mag’s Kevin Roose takes a stroll through Burning Man with Grover Norquist.

The first rule of Mile High Fight Club is: You do not talk about Mile High Fight Club. The second rule is you don’t recline. The LA Times on the cramped seats and angry passengers that have led to several diverted flights.

“I wonder: What is the exact nature of the work that is turning her into a sleep-deprived teen zombie so many mornings? I decide to do my daughter’s homework for one typical week.” To celebrate the return of school, we return to Karl Taro Greenfeld’s: My Daughter’s Homework Is Killing Me. (My third grade son finished an entire week’s worth of homework last night … so we have the rest of the week to talk about the iWatch.)

“As my lips slowly moved toward the mouth of the turtle in my lap, I admit to momentarily wondering how my life’s choices had brought me to this point.” David A. Steen: Why I gave mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a turtle. (It was worth it just for that lede.)

It “does effectively represent the modern American Dream: flipping an incredibly stupid idea into a huge amount of money and then running swiftly away.” From Grantland: Five Years in, What Does Shark Tank Mean for America? (I really hoped Sharknado would’ve taken care of this show by now…)

+ So you’re performing in the most important flute competition of your life and a butterfly lands on your face. But the show must go on. Amazing.

+ From Iggy and JLo to Kim and Nicki, the backside is frontpage news. The Atlantic’s Noah Berlasky goes deep on the subject: “Minaj’s celebration of her butt is also a celebration of, and lust for, other women’s butts.”

“It all starts with a man named Rabbi Dov Behr Abramson, who migrated from his native Russia in 1888. How’d he do that? By buying the passport of a dead man, last name Manischewitz.” Modern Farmer’s Meaghan Agnew rings in the Jewish new year with the great story of a not-so-great wine. “The story of Manischewitz is as intriguing as the wine isn’t…”

+ The coolest thing about Colon is that its named after a punctuation mark. The second coolest thing about Colon is that it’s the Magic Capital of the World.

+ Syndicated from Kottke: I think this guy is the T-1000 robot from Terminator 2, but for chopping onions instead of assassinating future resistance fighters. Evidence…

+ The latest rumors have Rachel McAdams starring opposite Colin Farrell and Vince Vaughn in season 2 of True Detective. (By now, you’ve probably figured out that the casting of season 2 of True Detective is season 2 of True Detective.)

“What a nervous day it must have been in the industry when Bounty or Brawny or whoever decided to place towel perforations more closely together … Machines were retooled, perforation distances reset, and smaller sized paper towels made their way onto the shelves of Stop & Shop and ShopRite and Walmart. Consumers, waking up from a wasteful slumber, realized how useful and smart and feel-goody smaller sized paper towels were.” I highly suggest you soak up the knowledge shared in Craig Mod’s piece: There is much to learn from the paper towel.

“I respect Starbucks for its business sense, customer service and amenities including clean bathrooms and WiFi. But unless I am checking a new store off my list, I would not go there for the coffee.” And this guy (who calls himself Winter) should know. He’s been to 11,733 Starbucks so far.

“Like God, Oprah is everywhere: in the glasses of Chardonnay I drank, in the Soul Library book set and hoodie I bought, in the face of every arena attendant who stood around with a smile and gave me unsolicited hugs.” From NY Mag: I survived a weekend with the Cult of Oprah.

+ Syndicated from Kottke: “The sound made by the Krakatoa volcanic eruption in 1883 was so loud it ruptured eardrums of people 40 miles away, travelled around the world four times, and was clearly heard 3,000 miles away.” (My son made the same sound when I tried to take away the iPad this morning.)

“There is, I think, a broader moral here. In every area of life, we underrate the merits of desperation, and persistently overrate the advantages of free choice. We insist that we ought to all be equal, free to make the choices we want and find the partners we need.
In fact, people who have this kind of freedom rarely use it well.” Adam Gopnik explains why short men make better husbands.

+ HP is splitting into two companies. One called HP, Inc and one called Hewlett-Packard Enterprise. Seriously. Both companies will retain the initials HP. And some consulting company probably got millions for that decision.

+ A new statue has immortalized Edgar Allan Poe in Boston. The only problem is that Poe hated Boston. So the according to the artist, “he faces away from the Frog Pond to represent his disdain for Bostonians.” (Maybe they should have just put the statue in Yankee Stadium.)

Don’t you want to know more about a person that drinks anywhere from 300-500 cups of coffee each morning? This is Amanda Juris, coffee quality specialist at Starbucks. What does she do after lunch? She has another cup of coffee.

+ PETA once asked the Pet Shop Boys to change their name to the Rescue Shelter Boys. That is just one important detail contained in the Mental Floss guide to 100 amazing facts everyone should know.

+ A Houston radio station has adopted a new format. They play Beyonce. Just Beyonce. Twenty-four hours a day. (The plan’s obvious flaw: There aren’t 25 hours in a day.)

“What a nervous day it must have been in the industry when Bounty or Brawny or whoever decided to place towel perforations more closely together … Machines were retooled, perforation distances reset, and smaller sized paper towels made their way onto the shelves of Stop & Shop and ShopRite and Walmart. Consumers, waking up from a wasteful slumber, realized how useful and smart and feel-goody smaller sized paper towels were.” I highly suggest you soak up the knowledge shared in Craig Mod’s piece: There is much to learn from the paper towel.

I’m already a vegetarian, but from now on, I’m only eating humanely raised lettuce. As I’ve always suspected, plants can tell when they’re being eaten. (Thankfully, most of them have a crunch that’s loud enough to drown out the screams.)

+ “As a biracial child, I wasn’t sure if higher education would even be an option for me. And, when I say biracial, I mean that my father went to Harvard and my mother attended Oberlin.” Paul Rudnick’s college application essay.

“What a nervous day it must have been in the industry when Bounty or Brawny or whoever decided to place towel perforations more closely together … Machines were retooled, perforation distances reset, and smaller sized paper towels made their way onto the shelves of Stop & Shop and ShopRite and Walmart. Consumers, waking up from a wasteful slumber, realized how useful and smart and feel-goody smaller sized paper towels were.” I highly suggest you soak up the knowledge shared in Craig Mod’s piece: There is much to learn from the paper towel.

“It was a time-shifting experience. Instant availability of huge digital archives created crippling decision anxiety. And the constant pressure to work through the queue was immense.” Rex Sorgatz interviews the Feral Netflix Child. (Reading this made me thankful that my kids don’t have the attention span for Netflix.)

“The taste is very rich. It’s definitely a lot tastier … You can just tell this is a lot more pure.” From NPR: how foodies were duped into thinking McDonald’s was high-end food.

+ TLC has canceledHere Comes Honey Boo Boo because, as they explained, “Supporting the health and welfare of these remarkable children is our only priority.” That’s always been the feeling I got from reality TV.

+ It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Madison Bumgarner World. “In Game 1 of this year’s World Series, Bumgarner went seven innings, allowing just one run on three hits â€¦ and it was the worst of his four career World Series starts.”

The French minister for culture is under fire after she explained that, over the past two years, she’s had no time to read novels. I don’t even have time to read this article (or to come up with a better line than that).

+ The Secret Service isn’t the only security detail with some explaining to do. Somehow, a jogger on an afternoon run managed to collide with the UK Prime Minister. From the jogger: “I kind of wish I had been protesting something or I had had something to say.”

What’s worse: Demanding that drinks be served with giant, artisanal ice cubes, or criticizing the practice because of its negative environmental impact? I must be a total blockhead, because I have no idea.

+ “Apart from a car accident at the age of eighteen, when he overturned his car while driving under the influence of alcohol … Osment’s journey through adolescence into adulthood has been free of major indiscretion.” How Haley Joel Osment Survived Being a Child Star. (Now we’ll see if he can survive an article on how he survived as a child star.)

According to the AP, “shy bladder sufferers want DirecTV to stop airing a television ad where a ‘painfully awkward’ actor Rob Lowe says that he can’t urinate in public.” I’m guessing that filing this complaint won’t make it any easier to go…

+ Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap? In New Zealand, AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd has been charged with hiring a hit-man. From the band’s website: “Phil’s absence will not affect the release of our new album Rock or Bust and upcoming tour next year.” Phew…

+ A new reality show “promises to show filmmaker Paul Rosolie being swallowed alive by a giant snake, after covering himself in pig’s blood while wearing a custom-built suit.” (Been there, done that.)

“To stay relevant and increase demand for potatoes, it will be critical to understand Millennials and how potatoes fit into their lives.” Alexis C. Madrigal with a thinkpiece on Millennials and potatoes. Between researchers, their peers, their devices, and themselves, the Millennials are by far the most-observed generation ever.

“I scanned and sent some old Polaroids that I had of your mother in compromising positions. They were taken several years before you entered our life and forever changed it with your gentle smile and warm personality. Needless to say, you took the bait. Hook line and sinker! I love you.” From Jake Bender in McSweeney’s: I Just Catfished You, Son. Instant Classic.

+ A five year-old kid just became the youngest person to pass the test to become a Microsoft Certified Professional. (When he’s six, his parents are gonna have him try to figure out how to use the Microsoft Phone.)

+ Hope for humanity: When it comes to breaking the Internet, the comet beat the Kardashian. (Though it appears that she has a much longer-lasting battery pack.)

+ “A two-time Krispy Kreme Challenge winner has managed to run two miles to Krispy Kreme, stop and eat 12 doughnuts, then run two more miles in only an hour.” Add in a blender and you’ve got yourself the perfect energy and performance drink.

+ “What is being referred to as the sheep incident has shaken up Fresno State after a student heard noises coming from a barn … The unidentified student responsible for the deed told police he had drank alcohol and was stressed out about a midterm.” Uh, that must have been a hell of a test.

+ Syndicated from Kottke: In 2012, Joe Ayoob broke the world record for the longest distance paper airplane flight with a plane designed by John Collins. In this video, Collins demonstrates how to fold that plane, the Suzanne.

“If they had stopped writing all this stuff about us, there would be no controversy left in the band and we probably would have died out years ago. They don’t know that they’re still responsible for us being around today.” This is how you remind me that your hate has saved Nickelback

One of the lines in my kids’ favorite Tom Petty song, American Dream Plan B, includes the aside: “I can’t dance for shit.” This morning, in my 6 year-old daughter’s energetic rendition, every line in the song ended with that word. For those scoring at home, that adds up to about 40 expletives before 7am. From Slate: What to do when your kid starts swearing. (My advice: Just sing along.)

They toss them. They slide them. They bowl them. From Modern Farmer, here are seven of the strangest things done to turkeys around Thanksgiving. After years clicking through the Internet, I’m pretty confident these are nowhere near the weirdest things done to poultry.

+ And if you’re up for a TV binge this weekend, here are a couple of suggestions. Olive Kitteridge is an HBO miniseries that features incredible performances from Frances McDormand and Richard Jenkins. And Amazon’s Transparent could be the perfect viewing choice for a Thanksgiving weekend. Have a great one. Back on Monday.

This is the most accurate headline I’ve seen in the tech media in a long time: Turns Out the Dot-Com Bust’s Worst Flops Were Actually Fantastic Ideas. Awesome, so can I have my investment money back?

+ NPR Music picks its 50 favorite albums of the year. In related news, it turns out rock is not dead. Here’s the single most important music performance of 2014. One bass, one set of drums. And the the return of rock that has James Hetfield, Dave Grohl, and Jimmy Page serving up rave reviews. Royal Blood plays Glastonbury. (It’s great, but mostly I didn’t want you to think I’m so old that I get all my music from NPR.)

+ Watching this pasta machine is a perfectly reasonable way to spend the next ten minutes or so.

A Korean Airlines exec has stepped down from some of her duties after she “ordered a flight to be turned around to the gate and a flight attendant off the plane because she was served nuts in a bag instead of on a plate.” I wonder if this is why they call crazy people nuts.

+ New York Rangers defenseman Kevin Klein left a recent game early to have his ear reattached. Then he came back and scored a game-winning goal in overtime. In hockey, we can that a Van Goal.

+ Here’s a little visit from the Ghost of Christmas Future. It was all laughs and romance as a couple of Mobile Mistletoe drones flew around a TGI Fridays. Until one them clipped a chunk off of a reporter’s nose.

+ “If you’ve ever wondered what happens when a Harvard Business School professor thinks a family-run Chinese restaurant screwed him out of $4, you’re about to find out.”

“Hearing is a two-step process. First, there is the auditory perception itself: the physics of sound waves making their way through your ear and into the auditory cortex of your brain. And then there is the meaning-making: the part where your brain takes the noise and imbues it with significance.” And somewhere between the two, you got the lyrics to your favorite song completely wrong. Maria Konnikova: Excuse me while I kiss this guy…

Jeff Oberholtzer traded in a Ford F-250 he used to drive for Mark-1 Plumbing in Texas. So how did it end up being driven by terrorists in Syria (with the plumbing company’s name and number still on the driver-side door)?

+ Lumberjack Chic is wielding its mighty power as L.L. Bean faces a backlog on its iconic rubber and leather boots. It currently stands at 100,000 pairs. (By the time you get them, the trend will be over.)