Friday, February 27, 2009

I have always said that I will not use my sick days willy-nilly because why take a random day off when it is crappy weather. I have made it known that I sometimes come down with an illness in early May that can only be cured by a trip to the zoo. Yeah, since I am a pretty healthy person I sometimes take my sick days when I may not be "ill" unless they still have mental health days then I usually use my sick days as those.

And I was doing so well this year, seeing as how nearly every other person in my department has been ill. Not even a sniffle.

So imagine my shock when GUT WRENCHING CRAMPS woke me up at three in the morning, followed by a SPLITTING HEADACHE. My first thought: The Flu. But then I realized that I didn't have any other symptoms and it came on way too fast. My addled mind shuffled through what it could be, and then I realized that what I was dealing with was a case of food poisoning. I guess that will teach me to be lazy and have a Banquet frozen dinner instead of cooking for myself...

So I called off work today to have to deal with my issues and compiled a list of what I did during my unplanned day off:

- Caught up on sleep when the GUT WRENCHING CRAMPS and the SPLITTING HEADACHE kept me awake.

- Read Matthew McConaghey's celebrity playlist on iTunes while trying to decide if that song from Slumdog Millionaire was worth 99 cents.

- Watched guys from my condo building spread salt on the ice in the parking lot, which apparently includes the hood of my car.

- Sat around waiting for the mailman to deliver new NetFlix to my place after realizing that even with my massive number of channels there is never anything good on TV.

- Tried to figure out why someone was using a band saw in the unit next door for a good portion of the day. If I see several leaky garbage bags I won't be surprised.

- Watched an hour of America's Best Dance Crew on MTV because I couldn't find the remote and didn't want to move off the couch to change the channel.

- Contemplated doing laundry but then realized that tomorrow is Saturday and that's what god invented Saturday's for.

All in all this has been one of the most boring days I have ever lived through. I missed being at work and it sucks that my plans to go out with my co-workers tonight ain't going to happen since the thought of food makes me kinda gag.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day*.

~ The Office Scribe

*Oh, did I mention I am going to see Dropkick Murphys? Because I am. And that HAS to be awesome.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Sometimes I think people are a bit paranoid around here. You see two people huddled together in a cubicle in hushed conversation which halts every time someone walks by. Co-workers promptly delete e-mails they fear others reading. And then there are the ones that cut their addresses off the cover of the magazines they bring in and leave in the lunch room.

I didn’t really notice this until I had a few minutes to kill as I was waiting for a fresh pot of coffee to brew the other morning. Wandering around the lunch room I read all the posters for half-off tickets to the circus and a menu for a Mardis Gras dinner being held at a local restaurant. Then I started to flip through the stack of magazines next to the microwaves and I noticed that the lower right hand portion of many magazines were missing.

It is super nice that you want to bring in a magazine for your co-workers to read at lunch after you are done with it, but why cut the address label off? If I really wanted to know where you lived all I would have to do would be to shoot an e-mail off to HR and ask for your address under the guise of sending you a birthday card or something utterly ridiculous like that. Or, I could log into our computer system and pull up your profile which not only has your home address but your emergency contact and medical information.

Why don’t I? Because there is no one that I work with that I am that interested in.

But perhaps these people aren’t afraid of stalkers. No, perhaps they are just ashamed that they pay to have Entertainment Weekly or Seventeen delivered to their house. It is a dirty little secret they have which they get some sort of perverse pleasure out of seeing people reading these magazines.

If that’s the case, I work with a bunch of sickos.

~The Office Scribe

Side Note: The department tape gun is still MIA so today we received our new one. It is bright orange and blue (go Bears!) and I am pretty sure no one else in the company has one like this. As soon as I pick some chain up from Home Depot I will put it out for the world to see. And then those suckers who took the first one are going to need a blow torch to steal this one.

Bring it on tape gun thieves, bring it on*.

*This is not an invitation to those of you whom I work with who read this blog to come and steal the tape gun as some sort of office prank. Unless I find it encased in Jell-O I will not be amused.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I was at my mom’s house yesterday morning and she actually packed me a brown paper bag lunch and aside from being one of the most adorable things anyone has done for me in a while it saved me the trouble of trying to figure out what I should bring for lunch. I am not good at waking up in the morning and thinking halfway into the day about lunch. Most of the time I just grab some leftovers (which can be dangerous if the leftovers in the freezer are not properly labeled) and head to work. Or if I get a coupon I pick up some Lean Cuisines and just bring one of those.

But if I am in a really lazy mood, I head downstairs to the small cafeteria in our building and pick something up. The food down there is decent. Sandwiches, wraps, and salads make up the bulk of their menu, with a few soups and a daily special which can range from awesome grilled burgers in the summer to odd Spanish concoctions covered in cheese.

The thing I really love about going downstairs for food though are the tunes. The workers have a radio that is tuned into some radio station I can’t identify that plays music I would never admit to listening to but somehow know all the words…

Most of the time when I am down there I catch myself tapping my feet or even, gasp, occasionally lip synching with some Billy Joel or Adam Ant. And I am not the only one. I was once in line behind the Executive Assistant (remember when they were called secretaries?) and she was JAMMING to some tune. When she turned around and caught me staring at her she said, “Oh god! I love this song! It’s been ages since I heard it.”

The best part has to be that the volume on the radio is cranked up and is right by where you place your order with the Men Of Questionable Ethnicity and you have to practically yell your order to them. I am always amazed when they get my orders correct.

So kudos to the tunes in the cafeteria. It almost makes up for the snails pace at which they work.

Monday, February 23, 2009

In today’s edition of “Randomness Courtesy of a Co-Worker” we find our heroine (me) swamped with more work than she has seen in weeks. But since she (me) is awesome she has been working diligently without interruption. Well, that is except for a few phone calls from mom and a confusing conversation with my co-worker K (the same one who got stuck in her North Face Fleece at the start of the year.)

It seems that K recently got cable at her house (welcome to the 1980’s) and has been watching more TV than the average 29 hours per week (Thanks Yahoo! News!) Her favorite show is something on MTV called “Rob and Big” which is about a pro skateboarder and his best friend/bodyguard. I think since it has been on I have watched about 3 minutes of it and that was enough for me.

But K loves it. In fact, she is convinced she is in love with Rob, the skateboarder, she showed up at my desk today saying that the two of us should go on a road trip to follow this guy around. When I asked why I was tapped to accompany her on this cross-country Stalker trip, she gave me the following explanation:

“Because you can drive and are good with directions.”

Awesome. I love compliments. Especially about my sense of direction. And while I love road trips I told her I was going to have to pass since the list of celebrities I would follow around like a Dead Head was rather long and did not include a semi-celebrity skateboarder who looks like the small kid who never got picked in kick ball. Or ended up being the kickball.

~ The Office Scribe

Note: In the midst of typing this she came over to my desk to talk about this Rob again, and said numerous times that he was “Hot” or perhaps it was pronounced “Hawt”. So I ask you, my faithful readers, is this man “hot”???

Also note: It was damn near impossible to find a pic of this guy not throwing some kind of dumb quasi-Gang sign.

Friday, February 20, 2009

This morning was a bit hectic in my apartment. I was absolutely paranoid that I was going to forget the birthday cake I was commissioned to bake for someone in HR. I must have left myself about 6 notes last night (bathroom mirror, fridge, front door, purse, car keys, and desk) to remind me about it.

The notes did their job and I sauntered into work this morning will a killer car themed birthday cake that the woman loved AND paid me for!!! But I forgot to leave myself notes to remind myself to pack a bag of clothes since I am heading to my moms this weekend straight after work.

So I decided to take an extended lunch and go home and get some clothes. Feeling lazy, since it is Friday and all, I took the elevator from my office on the third floor down to the parking lot. The elevator doors open, I stepped in and immediately felt like I was going to pass out. Whomever had been in the elevator before me had thought it would be a good idea to douse themselves in some sort of strong cologne.

My head swam and my eyes began to water. That three floor ride felt longer than the trip to the top of the Sears Tower. When the doors finally opened again I stumbled forward gasping for the sweet, fresh air that is in the lobby. The entire ride to my place I kept wondering what make a guy think that smelling like that is a good idea? Now I like cologne on guys in general, if used in moderation. But when it makes me have a physical reaction similar to that of rotten trash or a corpse, then it is not good.

I blame those Axe ads where guys (a) shower with a strong smelling Axe product (b) slap on some Axe deodorant and then (c) mist themselves down with Axe body spray like they are deicing the wings of a 747. And then through the miracle of advertising these guys (who generally look like they haven’t seen the sun or a meal not from Taco Hell in a week) get all kinds of Pilates Hotties to drool all over them.

In the real world, these chicks would be fighting their gag reflexes in order to not heave all over the laundry mat, coffee shop, or wherever else these ads take place.

So remember guys, a little bit of that Drakar Noir goes a looonnnggg way.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

- Where the hell is the tape gun? It’s been missing for over a week and there has been no sign of it. I might have to buckle and order a new one.

- There is a small piece of red crepe paper taped to the ceiling above my desk that has been there since we moved in. I wonder what the previous occupants were celebrating. I assume it wasn’t the bankruptcy that drove them from this space.

- Charles Darwin and Abraham Lincoln were both born on February 12, 1809 which basically makes them twins. And now they are best known for Children’s Construction Toys and Stupidity Awards.

- Work anniversaries depress me. They just make me wonder where the years go. (Note: It is not my anniversary. That is sometime in September.)

- My brain is not properly equipped for the days when I need to work 8:30-4:30.

- Why would anyone put paper towels in a toilet? I can’t think of one possible situation where that is an acceptable act.

- I sometimes think I am the only person in the office who knows how to update the auto text signatures on our e-mails and that is why people from different departments track me down to fix them.

- There was a company wide e-mail sent out by a department supervisor that contained an emoticon. If I were in charge that would be grounds for termination.

- One of the florescent tubes over my desk isn’t fully lit and has been wavering for weeks and I’m starting to think it’s the Matrix trying to communicate with me.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

My company is running some crazy marketing promotion to try and boost our sales. It actually seems to be working since the phones won’t stop ringing with questions. And seeing as how there are only 2 people handling these calls, clients can’t always get through and are forced to leave messages. But I found something interesting out about my company regarding messages, in that the people at the front desk still use these:

I was a bit shocked when I saw someone get handed one of these antiquated slips of pink paper. Back in the day when my mom worked in a church office I thought these were the most amazing things since sliced bread. It had all the convenient little boxes to check and places to put all the important information. Granted the church secretary usually just scribbled everything in the bottom but I was still impressed. I stole a pad of them every chance I got and would use them to write notes for my stuffed animals at home. (And don’t you even start to judge me about stealing from a church. If I think about it I’ll tell you the story about the food pantry and SPAM. That is so much worse.)

Aside from the fact that we now have the amazing invention know as Voice Mail my company is trying to be green and always telling us to use less paper. I guess this idea doesn’t include messages which could just as easily be passed along with an e-mail.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Today is President’s Day and it is one of those holidays which aren’t actually a holiday but people say it’s a holiday so they can have the day off and get things on sale. So I thought I would compile a list of what President’s Day means to me.

Government Offices Closed – This makes me mad. I feel that if the government shuts down for a day everyone should shut down for the day. So basically I am bitter about having to be at work today.

Schools Closed – This usually bothers me but today it didn’t because the Girl Scout Cookies I ordered from a co-workers daughter was actually delivered by daughter since she didn’t have school. Kudos to her parents for making her deliver cookies to complete strangers and introducing her to the working world. (Side note: the girl, who I have known for years, was in complete amazement by the crap I have on my desk. I think it was the Pirate Troll that really rendered her speechless.)

Post Office Closed – Normally this wouldn’t bother me but when I realized that with no mail pick-up today means my three DVD’s I have going back to NetFlix won’t arrive until Wednesday which means I won’t have new DVD’s until Thursday, I became very agitated.

Less Traffic – I love days when my normal commute time is cut in half because there are less cars on the road. The traffic reporter on the radio station I listen to in the mornings was coming on every ten minutes and just saying “Nothing. I’ve got nothing.”

Banks Closed – Okay, so maybe not all banks are closed today, but it doesn’t really make a difference either way. I don’t think I have physically been in a bank for over a year and since the ATM still works no matter what, I think I will be able to survive 24 hours.

Massive Sales – Since I don’t need a mattress or a new end table, I don’t think I will be partaking in the economic stimulus known as “The President’s Day Sale” at any of my local retailers. But kudos for you who in these difficult times lie away at night, thinking of your non-existent 401K and stop and think “Wow, this is an uncomfortable mattress. I need to do something about this.”

So everyone head out to a bar tonight to ponder the impressiveness that is the American President and remember, Ben Franklin, though he is on the $100 bill, was not, in fact, President.

Friday, February 13, 2009

I was a little late to work today. I know, I know. So irresponsible. But I had to get gas and I was brining in Jason Voorhees Cupcakes for my co-workers (photos to be posted later).

The worst thing about getting to work late, aside from finding your boss waiting for you in your cubicle, is to see that little red light on the phone indicating that you have a voicemail. Well that’s what I walked into this morning. My first thought was that someone called looking for me at the time I was supposed to be at work and that Friday the 13th was cursing me. Or it was my mom with comments about last night’s episode of “Survivor”.

But it wasn’t either. When I checked my message it was a hang-up. Now this is a mystery to me. Why would anyone sit through an entire voicemail message and THEN hang-up? Here is an exact (from memory) transcript of my voicemail message:

Hello, you have reached the voicemail of The Office Scribe at extension 666. Please leave me a message and I will return your call as soon as possible. If you need immediate assistance please press “0” to return to the operator.

Not the shortest message in humanity. I can’t imagine anyone in the corporate world having a message that is short. There is a lot of information that you need to convey to caller.So this mystery person calls me and hears my name and extension within the first 5 seconds and continues to listen. Did they think I was going to magically become another person? Or did they think I was screening my calls or had just dashed in and was going to pick up the phone mid-message? Guess what, this doesn’t work with voicemail. Back in the pre-digital age of Answering Machine Tapes you could interrupt the call and answer the phone. But no so anymore.

Okay, so they progress past my name. Obviously I am not answering the phone because I say to leave me a message. It’s not a request, it is a command. So this person ignored a direct order by me. Not cool.

And then I provide them with an out should they need one. I tell them by pressing “0” they can speak to the operator and find the correct person to speak to. It’s like a lovely little all inclusive helper. Don’t know what to do? Press “0” and they will make it all better.But does mystery caller do that? No, they wait for the beep and then hang up.

I'd blame it on Friday the 13th and the craziness it is supposed to bring but let's face it, I deal with dumb people everyday...~The Office Scribe

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Work can be a depressing place. Bad lighting, bitter coffee, and the joy of being forced into an environment with people you can’t stand are all just a small part of getting up in the morning a difficult task.

But my day is at its darkest when I hear other people leaving before I can. I sit relatively close to a closet where many co-workers store their coats. Starting at 4:30, the time when the first wave of people leave, all I can hear is the quiet creak of the closet door opening followed by the rustle of fabric as people shrug themselves into said jackets. Their cheery goodbyes make my head hurt.

The thing is I might not even be in a mad mood at the time when people are leaving. I might have had the most awesome day ever and I feel like I am walking on sunshine. But I have one co-worker tell me to “have a good evening” on their way out the door and I suddenly become sullen. Well, more sullen than I usually am.

Maybe I shouldn’t complain. Maybe I should just suck it up and ignore them and keep working diligently. Maybe I should realize that the tradeoff is extra sleep in the morning which makes me less of an oger.

But that’s a lot of maybe’s and I am not a maybe kinda gal.

~The Office Scribe

P.S. – To the person who complained about me not posting yesterday:

Sometimes I have bit of writer’s block when it comes to coming up with a topic to post. Maybe if you were more interesting during the day I wouldn’t have this problem…

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Someone stole the packing tape dispenser from my department. It was brought to my attention by a co-worker who went to go tape up a box and saw it wasn’t at its usual place on the file cabinet in front of my desk. Assuming it was just at someone’s desk we performed a cursory investigation found that it was, in fact, missing. I don’t have a problem with people borrowing stuff, but I do have a problem with people not returning said items.

Our first suspects were the people in the department next to ours. They have been known to use our tape gun and seeing as how I don’t trust them, they seemed like they might be the culprits. So I sent one of my co-workers over to snoop around their desks but to no avail.

The next step was to send out an e-mail to everyone who uses tape guns on a regular basis and see if they forgot to return it. The only response was as follows:

Sincerely,Anonymous (Note: Her name was at the top of the e-mail so all anonymity went out the window)

P.S. I don’t really have your tape gun.

The last action I took was making a missing sign. I really wanted to do one on a milk carton but didn’t feel like fielding questions from the people around me like “Where did you get a milk carton” or “I thought you were lactose intolerant”. So I printed out a picture of a tap gun similar to the missing one and posted it on the wall above the file cabinet. And while I am sure one of my co-workers will take a picture of it and submit it to Passive Aggressive Notes I don’t know what else can be done (aside from sending a company-wide e-mail which I declined to do because I would become known as the “crazy who thinks someone on the other side of the building stole the tape gun”)

It’s been nearly six hours and the tape gun is still missing. The prize for retuning it? I won’t beat you with it.

Monday, February 9, 2009

I was wandering around the office, as I tend to do when I need to look busy but need a break, and I noticed that we have a lot of empty cubicles around. There are several reasons for this such as we have had empty cubicles from the time we moved into this building and that whole “purge” we had a few months back when the dead weight was cut in hope of keeping our company afloat (it seems to be working).

But in an effort to make even more money for the company I think we need to start renting these empty cubicles out. I made a crack on my way back from lunch how we need a doctor who can see patients in one of the cubicles and it hit me that perhaps a doctor would find this an excellent idea. I am sure that the rent for a…

(Please hold while I measure my cubicle)

…for an 8x8 cubicle would be much less than an entire office. Imagine all those small business people that would want a professional environment to work in at a fraction of the cost. I figure for their rent they would get their very own cubicle with plenty of storage, ergonomic orange desk chair, access to our lunch room with tea and coffee, and the ability to use our printers/scanners/copiers/etc.

I am sure there would be a HUGE market for this. I’m going to draft my proposal right now and send it to the president of the company. I’ll keep you posted.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Seeing as how last week was my birthday I went out and did a bit of celebrating with family and friends. And I was shocked at the awesome gifts I got. But this is the one I want to share with you guys...

Yes, that is a The Office Scribe nameplate from my friend Kate and it now sits happily on my desk at home (I have one with my real name at the office).

Friday, February 6, 2009

Overheard in the Office is a blog for anyone who works in a cubicle farm like me. Readers submit the crazy conversations that they overhear and it can be hours of pure reading entertainment. And after discovering this site it made me actually start to pay attention to the co-workers around me.

So today I thought I would share my own version of “Overheard in the Office” complete with the commentary that was running through my head the whole time.

I’m sitting at my desk earlier when I pick up a conversation coming from another cubicle. It would seem that one of my co-workers is on the phone, hopefully talking about selling a zillion dollar trip somewhere and single handily pulling us out of a crappy economy. I didn’t notice what she was talking about until I heard her use the word “web” as in “I think he’s on the web”.

I couldn’t figure out why she would be talking about Spider Man. It took me a few beats to realize that she was referring to the World Wide Web. It just seems like such an antiquated phrase. So 1998. Is it me or do people just not use that word anymore? I don’t think people use the word “net” either unless people are referencing that horrible Sandra Bullock movie.

I think the current lingo is “online”. As in “I’ll have to look it up online” or “Roger was fired for looking at porn online” or “Chris Hansen just busted some dude for chatting up a 12 year old online”.

Am I right, or is there a better, trendier word I should be using? I don’t want to sound like I am making a reference to a Super Hero (I do enough of that already).

Thursday, February 5, 2009

According to scientists the human body needs a variety of vitamins and minerals in order to sustain life. That is bull. All the human body needs is caffeine and massive amounts of sugar. The massive amounts that can only be obtained on your birthday (yes, it is my birthday) by eating the donuts, bars, and cake that your co-workers bring to you. And I have never been so grateful for this diet as I was today.

Last night I got about 1 hour total of sleep due to a possessed Smoke Detector that consistently reminded me starting at midnight “Low Battery” in a soothing female voice that became increasingly grating as the night, then morning, wore on.

Tonight, after my birthday cocktail hour and dinner, I am looking forward to nothing more than sleep. But what I don’t know is if my management company fixed my Smoke Detector or not, or if I will even be able to sleep tonight.

I’ll let you know in the morning. That is, if the men in white coats haven’t come to take me away.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Okay, perhaps I exaggerate, but the amount of static electricity I am producing has to have enough power to end the life of a small yet vile human being. No joke. Every time I stand up the air around me crackles and makes me feel like Storm from X-Men sans the sassy white hair and horrible accent Halle Berry decided wasn’t necessary past the first movie:

Aside from spraying myself in Static Guard, which would be both expensive and absolutely ridiculous I am looking for any solutions to my problem and am open to any and all suggestions.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Okay, I know the movie Braveheart ended badly but that doesn’t make the urge to go all William Wallace on my company’s ass any less desirable.

The owner/founder/whatever was supposed to be in the office tomorrow and Thursday for a visit. We have been reminded to make sure our desks are clean because god forbid the man think we are actually doing work with all those wacky files and papers. But I don’t mind. It’s as good as excuse as any to dust the ‘ole cubicle.

But then we just got an e-mail informing us that because of the weather in London, which contrary to popular belief is not sunny and warm, his flight was cancelled (along with every other flight at Heathrow) and now he will be in the office Thursday and Friday and we have been requested to keep our dress business casual for Friday. That means no jeans, sports jerseys or funny t-shirts that have been won via a radio contest*.

Why we need to feign like we don’t have casual Fridays? If you were invited to a costume party would you be shocked to find people dressed a ghosts and Britney Spears and Ooompa-Loompas? I bet not. Then why would we seem less business-like in a pair of jeans? And why are we being punished for it snowing across the Atlantic? And why was the trailer for the new GI Joe movie so damn short during the Super Bowl?

And guess what – they will take away our casual Friday and we will not be compensated for it in anyway. Not like I want them to pay me more, because in this economy that ain’t going to happen. But perhaps as a gesture of goodwill an extra casual Friday would be greatly appreciated.

But methinks William Wallace himself would return from the grave to fight this battle for me before the company does that…

~The Office Scribe

* In the midst of writing this I received another e-mail that defined what we couldn’t wear, which means someone sent my VP an e-mail asking her to define “Business Casual”. I weep for my co-workers sometimes.

The co-worker who is sits behind me was looking up driving directions today from the suburb outside Chicago that she lives in to Fairbanks, Alaska. She called me over to look at it when the directions went all wonky on her and told her to do the following:

Direction #48 seems to be a little confusing with all the British Columbia & Yukon Territories. Or that is possibly the snakiest road in the world.

I then asked her if she had ever seen the Google directions for New York to London? When she said she hadn’t I immediately dropped what I was doing and went to see if they had fixed the glitch. Sadly, they had, but leave it to other Bloggers to have proven that I am not crazy and saved an image of what Google Maps used to tell you to do when it came to crossing the Atlantic:

Yeah, that’s a blury #33 telling you to swim across the Atlantic Ocean.

It’s nice to know that the fine folks at Google Maps feel the need to bring a bit of levity to those of us dumb enough to be looking for driving directions between continents.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Occasionally I will hear a report on the radio or read an article online about how women should receive the same pay that their male counterparts receive for the same jobs. I vaguely remember a poster hanging in one of the kitchens I used to deliver to that declared that women earned 76 cents to every dollar a man earned. When I was a teenager I thought this was crap and that of course women should be paid equally. That was until I was enlightened to the fact that women will talk the talk but aren’t willing to walk the walk?

See, it would be wonderful if both genders were paid the same assuming that on the back end they would pay the same. But this isn’t the case. Men are expected to pay for so much more in our society. Dinner, flowers, jewelry, and don’t forget the grossly expensive diamond rings which DeBeers says should cost about three months salary.

Girls are not expected to pay anything close to this on their men. Sure, it does cost more for girls to live (I went out and bought some new makeup the other week and nearly fainted at the total. Oh, and then there are the shoes and bags…) but I am convinced this isn’t done to attract a man but to one-up other females. So that means about 2/5 of a females annual income is spent on trying to outshine other chicks thus brining this cost down upon themselves.

So until women start carrying their share of the load I don’t see any reason for feminists to be so up in arms.