Professors Prepare for Students’ Fresh Minds, Half-Assed Excuses

Coming off a summer of family vacations, intellectual contemplation, and checking their own online reviews, University professors are anticipating a plethora of eager young minds and an onslaught of “pathetic” excuses for missed work and unattended classes this fall.

Dr. Simbaline, a professor of psychology, believes that this year her classroom will be filled with the analytical capacity of a generation of millennial scholars, as well as those who “couldn’t open the CTools file to find out where class was,” according to a recent email.

Dr. Simbaline reflected on the blatant lack of effort when it comes to excuses relating to her course. “Missing homework assignments due to a dust allergy, skipping class for a beer pong tournament, once a kid sent me an email that just said, ‘I’m busy then,’” she explained while unearthing her best corduroy vest for office hours.

Professor Rutland of the English Department has also gotten a jump-start on the back-to-school frenzy by denoting folders within his email inbox. According to Rutland, “I have one for inquiries on course work, specifically the symbols behind the author’s style and the social commentary it implies, and also one for when students tell me their cat’s funeral was moved to exactly when the midterm is.”

Students have reportedly also cited gluten intolerance, fear of iClickers, and vague allusions to once-in-a- lifetime meteor showers when attempting to be granted “excused absences,” and avoiding penalties for missing class.

Many professors also regret having lectures available for online streaming via BlueReview, which many students allegedly plan to watch from their beds on mute while Grey’s Anatomy plays in an adjacent window.