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Sunday, November 27, 2011

Okay so the NWO hit the Stahley hideout but never fear, not a hair on their RTC head is harmed; they escape through a secret tunnel into a cave, while Shelly, playing the innocent bystander, does her best "They went that-a-way" bit to throw them off. But even they are smart enough to realize that the NWO (played by the three stooges) aren't going to be fooled for long.

Okay so the cave led to the Stahley hangar and that's where the YTF are now, hanging out and reading Token Jew's website. Y'know they can't be suffering much if they have internet connection.

Oh and Judd reflects. Basically he's beating himself up because ever since Bruce died, he hasn't been keeping up with his Bible studies. Of course, given the amount of shit that's happened since, I'm not surprised.

Token Jew's message isn't really that interesting except to say that his explanation for the natural disasters in the world is the old "Devil did it" even though in the same paragraph, he says that God gave Satan power over the weather so really it is God's fault. But he does declare that the recent quake was an Act of God and that he's trying to grab peoples' attention. I've already addressed all the things wrong with that, so I won't bore you by repeating myself.

Token Jew continues his message with a lot of saber-rattling, before Judd stops reading and starts watching TV. Apparently, Ellanjay, realizing that in the adult books they didn't do a good enough job of showing how the NWO is evil, start showing all the evil TV programs on the EBOWF network. One is a game show where the winner gets to murder the loser. Yawn, so Ellanjay's seen Running Man. Another show is basically Saw. Another show was a seance. Yeah, because a bunch of freaks around an Ouija board is gripping entertainment. And the last show before they tune out is a program teaching viewers how to cast spells on their enemies.

Meanwhile, Conrad is with Mr. Stein and Darrion and is trying to work on a plan to get them out. Naturally, Darrion decides to rack up another one for Jesus, using the old Liar-Lunatic-Lord strategy. Unfortunately it works. :wipes away a tear: Bye-bye to the formerly cool Mr. Stein.

Basically the YTF modify their cave and Mr. Stein and Conrad get Darrion out using a strategy that Mr. Stein admits he saw in a movie when he was younger, which works because everyone holds an Idiot Ball in Ellanjayland. The chpater ends with the YTF realizing the NWO has sent dogs after them.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Okay not much really happens. Brave Sir Judd bravely hides in the Stahley's hideout and Shelly, Darrion, and Mark eventually show up. Don't remember who Mark is? Look at previous posts. I'm too lazy to type about a character Jenkins keeps forgetting about.

Meanwhile, Vicki is on trial and is offended that Mr. Stein keeps trying to save her life by presenting her as insane. His logic is that if she's declared insane, she'll just be sent to a reeducation center, which judging by what we've seen thus far, isn't too bad. It's better than being taken out back and shot, plus last time you were there, the worst thing that happened to you was that getting shivved. Anyone else wishing they could teleport Ellanjay into a Soviet Gulag or a Chinese Laogai so they can get some ideas as to what real suffering is like?

Lionel meanwhile, is plotting to spirit her out, currently making him the most active character.

The seeds for Mr. Stein's sadly inevitable conversion are planted as he goes to Token Jew's website (Vicki gave him the URL) and reads his message which is a standard Jesus-died-for-your-sins spiel that I won't bother snarking, except to note that even though Mr. Stein is an American Jew living in one of the most Christian nations on earth, he apparently hasn't heard of the novel idea that Jesus died for his sins.

Well I'll make this quick. Lionel comes up with a way to get Vicki out of the camp, which works, and Darrion comes to try to rescue Vicki and gets captured.

Okay so I lied: I'm throwing in another chapter because nothing happens in this fucking series. Sorry for the profanity, but I'm so bored and you're probably bored so you probably appreciated it.

Anyway, Lionel and Vicki escape and make it back to the hideout. Oh and Vicki talks back to Judd. I would have added a lot more profanity to the conversation, but it's nice to see Judd occasionally called on his manly leader bullshit. What happens is he's like why did Darrion do something so stupid and she responds essentially "At least she did something besides hide like a scared rabbit like you" and Judd gets pissed. This conversation doesn't last long enough nor does it have enough vitriol but it's still pretty sweet and about the only interesting part of this chapter.

Meanwhile, Mr. Stein is locked up and is starting to wonder about whether Chaya was right and I scream for him to resist, though I know it's doomed to happen anyway. Basically he has a short conversation about this with Conrad, and there's not really much to say except that he does note that God's the one causing massive amounts of suffering and death. Conrad points out that he's doing all this in order to get our attention and I can't help but think of a thousand easier ways of getting peoples' attention that don't involve killing two-thirds of the population.

Anyway, the chapter ends with Lionel realizing his radio has a tracking device: thus he led the GC right to their hideout. This should be fun.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Lesson learned from Left Behind: the kids: Apparently Ellanjay thinks that everything's made of flint. At some point, Judd and Vicki reach the river and decide to ditch the jeep by putting it in gear and forcing a tire iron down on the accelerator thus causing the jeep to crash into a house which causes both the house and the jeep to explode.

To make this chapter short, Vicki and Judd wisely decide not to cross the river, but Vicki slips and falls into the river. Judd goes in after her, but the current is strong and he can't get to her before she's captured by the GC. This will probably come to nothing like all her previous captures, but it gives her a chance to rack up martyrdom points, though part of me wonders if she's now the new Butt Monkey now that Ryan's dead on account that she's a girl with girl parts and Judd's a mini-Rayford so he's contractually obligated not to suffer anything more than an inconvenience.

So Vicki is shocked, shocked that the evil despots who run the world-wide dictatorship that is the GC, aren't going to give her a trial. Instead, they'll turn her over to their squad commander who will decide what to do with her. Currently my eyes are rolling into the back of my head at Vicki's naivete: again these are despots, what was she expecting?

Judd makes it to the Stahley safehouse. Now to Lionel who tells Darrion and Shelly what happened to Vicki. They decide to seek help from Mr. Stein. Don't ask me what they think Random Jewish Citizen with No Known Connections to the GC will be able to do for them.

Judd meanwhile somehow still has internet connection and reads Token Jew's latest postings. Apparently Token Jew's blog is quite popular even though common sense tells us that the internet is for porn. Basically Token Jew is talking about Revelation 8 and 9. Let's look at these chapters shall we.

I'll spare you the bigass quote and tell you that interpreting them literally is a fool's game. Basically in order for them to make any sense, you have to conclude that John was using metaphor to speak to his audience or there was a lot of highly-lickable toads on the island of Patmos.

I'll sum up Token Jew's message: there will be a huge-ass hail storm mixed with fire that will kill a third of the trees and the grass. Then a huge mountain burning with fire will be thrown into the sea which will kill a third of the living creatures of the sea and sink a third of the ships. Then a star will fall (which hopefully won't be a weak-ass meteor) and turn a third of the water bitter. This star is called Wormwood. And if you're wondering, it is clearly stated that the angels will do all these things or in otherwords, God will rack up a higher body count than the so-called anti-Christ and while these deaths will happen everywhere, they'll mostly be concentrated on the poor and weak because being poor means you have less margin for error of any kind, godly or not. You can be a good, hard-working person and end up screwed all because you happened to be hit by a drought or a flood or something that was beyond your control, while the rich have the means to get to higher ground or take preventative measures. The TF and YTF can stock up on canned food and bottled water, but such means are beyond the reach of the poor who will suffer and die horribly for the crime of being poor. Isn't Zod wonderful?

Sorry for the long-ass rant but they really hit a nerve.

Anyway, I'll throw in a third chapter. I'll stop doing this some day, don't know when; maybe when stuff actually starts to happen.

So what is our manly hero, Judd, doing? Why he's bravely staying in the safehouse, surfing the internet (reading of course only material approved by Token Jew) and chatting with Pavel. Our Hero.

Basically he reads more about the judgments. Next, according to Token Jew, a third of the sun, a third of the moon, and a third of the stars will be darkened. It's yet another passage from Revelation that would make perfect sense if you lived in the first century and had their notion of cosmology, but once again doesn't make sense to shoehorn it into modern thinking. Once again, Judd doesn't make the connection that Zod is going to slaughter everybody which is okay because he's bigger than you and always will be; therefore, might makes right. No wonder Beverly LaHaye moved a thousand miles from her husband; if this is the kind of theology he believes in, then I shudder to think how he treats his wife.

Pavel talks about how Carpathia is rebuilding communications and airports to facilitate travel and Judd self-righteously goes on a rant about how he should be focusing on relief efforts. Really Judd? Because I haven't seen you helping the fire department put out fires or donating blood or being stretcher bearer or doing anything but bravely surfing the net and being a self-righteous ass. Can you tell I hate Judd? I know I'm really subtle about it but I do.

Mr. Stein visits Vicki and even though he's even eeevil heathen Jew, he still wants to help. Still he resists Vicki's attempts to convert him and right now, he's my favorite character.

The chapter ends with Vicki praying as the commander comes into the room to decide her fate.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

As you guessed from the title of this post, this is a rare four-part snark, because nothing happens. I apologize if I cause worldwide blackouts due to terminal boredom.

You're probably wondering what Lionel's going to do about his GC gig now that he's got his memory back. Well, wonder no more: he's decided to be a double agent, working as a Morale Monitor but as an RTC. This is probably the smartest thing we've seen a character do so far; before you cite Our Buck and St. Rayford, remember that they never seem to do any actual double-agent type work and they continue to blab about God at every available opportunity and never get in trouble for it, even though they work for the anti-Christ.

So he and Conrad come up with a ruse to make their commander think they got into a confrontation with the enemy and narrowly escaped and it works and that's all that happens in this chapter.

Basically the GC have Charlie and with his talk about helping Vicki bury Ryan, now they think maybe she's responsible for two murders. Afterwards, Lionel tries to convert Charlie.

If you're wondering what Vicki and Judd are doing, they're hiding in the Junior-Hole-in-the-Ground trying desperately not to get caught by the GC. It's as boring to type as it is to read.

We do get a bit of a conflict as Vicki tells Judd to stop bossing her around the way he used to boss Ryan around. Judd says he's kicked himself a thousand times for the way he treated Ryan which is news to me; Judd's always been a mini-Rayford in that everything he does is right, even when it appears to be wrong, he's always in the right.

Anyway, end of chapter, Conrad converts and Judd and Vicki leave the shelter in order to seek out another, only for something to fall on Vicki's leg forcing Judd to carry her. I suppose they're trying to build more romantic tension between them but honestly, I'm so bored I'm practically comatose.

Last chapter, Vicki and Judd are on the run with the GC in pursuit. Lionel contemplates shooting Phoenix (aka the YTF's dog) in order to protect his friends. The GC searches the tent hospitals for Judd and Vicki but they escape by stealing the commander's jeep and oh god is this the most boringest section in the history of boring books. At least when you read the phonebook you get useful information that you can apply in your daily life; what do you get when you read Left Behind: the kids? You either get a concussion from bashing your head against the desk or you become comatose due to terminal boredom.