After 54 years of closure, the U.S. embassy in Havana and the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C. each began flying their flags once more this week, a symbol of the restored diplomatic ties between the two nations. Here is what we can expect from the relationship going forward

WASHINGTON—Following Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s heated objections to the nuclear deal struck between the United States and Iran, American officials announced Tuesday that they were calming the upset head of government by treating him to a nice, big shipment of ballistic missiles.

AL-SHATI, GAZA STRIP—Saying he hardly recognized some of the makeshift buildings and piles of rubble he played in as a child, Gaza native Ramzy Abu-Dhubah told reporters Tuesday he was struck by how much the refugee camp he grew up in has changed over the years.

DAMASCUS—Saying its doors were open to anyone with hate in their heart, sources at non-denominational terrorist group Universal Soldiers of Vengeance told reporters Friday that the organization welcomes radicals of all faiths.

THE HEAVENS—Saying that His opinion of the heavens and the earth seems to change every time He looks at them, The Lord Our God, Supreme Ruler of the Universe, admitted Monday that He is simply too close to His divine creation to judge whether it’s any good or not.

GAINESVILLE, FL—According to a report released Friday by researchers at the University of Florida College of Public Health, 98 percent of all sexual intercourse in Germany is recorded and uploaded to the pornographic video–sharing website Pornhub.

ARLINGTON, VA—Drawing on satellite data and foreign intelligence reports, Pentagon officials confirmed Monday that North Korea was in the late stages of developing a military parade with an operational range of 5,000 miles.

TALLINN, ESTONIA—With the private data of national governments and entire global industries at his fingertips, sources confirmed this morning that yet another day had begun with the whole world helplessly at the mercy of 19-year-old Estonian computer hacker Jüri Pevkur.

KRUGER NATIONAL PARK, SOUTH AFRICA—Falling into dead silence as their guide spotted movement behind a cluster of baobab trees, a group of tourists on safari in South Africa reportedly marveled at the sight of a poacher slowly and methodically stalking his prey Monday.

ZURICH—Following a massive U.S. Department of Justice indictment alleging that high-ranking members of the global soccer organization conducted widespread financial fraud, sources confirmed Thursday that underpaid migrant laborers are currently working roughly 18 hours a day preparing FIFA’s legal defense.

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

On Wednesday, the U.S. government declassified more than 400 documents and other material seized from Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan hideout during the 2011 raid that resulted in his death. Here are some of the items found in the former al-Qaeda leader’s compound

PYONGYANG—In light of the recent execution of yet another high-ranking North Korean official, newly sworn-in legislator Park Jun-seo told reporters Wednesday that he is wondering which method will eventually be used to put him to death.

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA—Admitting he was having difficulty concentrating on destroying his enemy’s nexus as he sat inside PC Zone internet café Monday, League Of Legends: Dominion player JuHo Lee complained that the guy who died at the adjacent computer station was really starting to ruin the game for him.

MOSCOW—Saying he can’t imagine beginning his day without the pages spread out on his kitchen table, Russian president Vladimir Putin told reporters Thursday that he starts off each morning by sitting down to write the day’s news.

KINGDOM OF GOLDEN SANDS—Throwing herself in front of her beloved U.S. secretary of state as the royal executioner raised his scimitar, Princess Amirah of Arabia reportedly begged her father the sultan Friday to spare John Kerry’s life.

PARIS—Shortly after returning Leonardo da Vinci’s most famous portrait to its home at the Louvre for the second time this week, Interpol officials admitted Wednesday that a full 89 percent of its work involves locating and recovering the Mo...

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that the commander-in-chief might want to get a head start on such a project soon, architect Owen Levin presented President Obama with generic options for a national memorial Tuesday that could feasibly honor an American war i...

NEW YORK—In a major breakthrough that provides new insight into the region’s deep-seated instability, researchers at Columbia University presented evidence Tuesday that indicates the long-running conflict currently engulfing the Middle East pr...

WASHINGTON—As part of the White House’s effort to mend 50 years of acrimonious U.S.-Cuba relations, members of the Obama administration called on the island nation this week to adopt a more democratic form of corruption.

WASHINGTON—Saying the Likud Party leader had set Israeli citizens’ expectations extremely high in the run up to his reelection Tuesday, top-level sources expressed their worry Wednesday about whether the United States would actually be able to...

BEIJING—Asserting that their government’s policy of strict censorship was not completely detrimental, China’s 1.4 billion citizens admitted this week that they are actually kind of grateful to not have access to the entire internet.
Memb...

WASHINGTON—In what is being regarded as a further provocation on top of his already controversial address before Congress, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu doubled down against President Obama Tuesday with a PowerPoint presentation on the p...

NEW YORK—Confirming that only a few square miles currently remain, a report released Tuesday by the United Nations warned that the Middle East is rapidly running out of available land for violence to spill over to.

A congressional visit from Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that has reportedly rankled President Obama is the latest issue in what have often been strained diplomatic ties between the two countries.

BOSTON—Making an utter fool of himself in front of company Monday night, local resident and complete fucking moron Tony Penneman actually voiced aloud his opinion that Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov is “the most inventive orchestrator in the history ...

DUBAI—Calling it the most ambitious project of its kind ever undertaken, officials from Dubai’s Department of Economic Development announced Tuesday the emirate’s plans to construct the world’s largest human rights violation.
Set t...

BEIJING—Acknowledging that its current programs are insufficient to meet the needs of a fast-paced, 21st-century population, the Chinese Ministry of Justice held a press conference Friday affirming its commitment to fixing the nation’s crumbli...

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Following the company’s announcement that it would discontinue public sales of the wearable technology, Google officials confirmed Monday that all unsold units of Google Glass would be donated to underprivileged assholes in A...

PARIS—Citing the immense crowds gathered at rallies in Paris and scores of other cities across the globe, sources confirmed Sunday that the world has united in its common desire to have a little more time between terrorist attacks.

PARIS—In the wake of this week’s terrorist attacks on French newspaper Charlie Hebdo and two ensuing armed standoffs that together left over a dozen innocent civilians dead, humankind admitted Friday that it is sick and tired of having ...

PARIS—Following the fatal terrorist attack Wednesday at the offices of French newspaper Charlie Hebdo, sources confirmed this afternoon that it is sadly not yet clear whether this very article will ultimately put human lives at risk.

BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and China met in Australia this week for a series of low...

NEW YORK—Starting their three-day whirlwind tour of New York, Prince William and Duchess Kate told reporters Monday that they planned to spend the leftover $36.21 in American currency that Queen Elizabeth II had been holding on to since her 2010 vis...

ZURICH—Arriving from around the world for a three-day political summit, the highest-ranking government officials from over 190 nations have gathered in Zurich this week for direct talks on how fucking incredible it is to run a country. ...

WASHINGTON—Confirming that U.S. students’ competency in the area of knowledge had only increased in recent years, a Pew Research Center report published Tuesday found that young Americans continue to lead the world in their awareness of which ...

VIENNA—Asserting the Middle Eastern nation’s right to a safe, peaceful energy program, members of the Iranian diplomatic team attempted to seek more favorable terms of a deal with the P5+1 global powers while openly assembling a nuclear weapon...

MIRANSHAH, PAKISTAN—Admitting he has “mellowed out a bit” with age, 54-year-old militant jihadist Adil Jalal Kalmati confided to reporters Wednesday that he now finds himself far less enraged by Western culture than he did in his younger...

BEIJING—Celebrating the milestone with hugs, jubilant cheers, and singing, over 600,000 Chinese citizens assembled in Tiananmen Square today to watch the U.S. debt clock mounted above the Forbidden City

BEIJING—Acknowledging the industrialized nation’s role in global climate change, China reportedly reached a landmark agreement with the United States Wednesday, pledging to significantly increase the rate at which it falsifies air pollution da...

PYONGYANG—Saying they were taking a deep breath and steeling themselves for the melodramatic public wailing and mass-scale processions they might soon have to engage in, sources confirmed Monday that the people of North Korea were already mentally p...

OSLO, NORWAY—In what critics are describing as another shameless appeal to the global population’s appreciation for love, tranquility, and cooperation, the members of the Nobel Peace Prize Committee chose once again to pander to their audience...

PYONGYANG—Explaining that the highest levels of government were currently in a state of disarray, international affairs experts confirmed Friday that the continuing absence of Kim Jong-un had left top-ranking North Korean officials with nobody to ag...

WASHINGTON—Addressing concerns that the Obama administration was selectively ignoring their ongoing demonstrations against the Chinese government, White House officials held a press conference Wednesday to reassure Hong Kong residents that their pro...

PYONGYANG—Following reports that the head-of-state is receiving treatment for a variety of medical conditions, an Amnesty International report released Monday confirmed that the diabetic and gout-ridden dictator Kim Jong-un is still by far the healt...

WASHINGTON—While they acknowledged that getting behind such a plan might take a little convincing, the American populace admitted this week that they could, in all likelihood, be talked into another war.
Citizens across the nation told reporters tha...

LONDON—Projecting from the rate of territorial decline over the last two centuries, experts predicted Thursday that the British Empire will be reduced to an area of eight acres surrounding Buckingham Palace by as early as 2050.

AL-BUKAMAL, SYRIA—Saying that he does not want to rush such an important life decision, highly touted terrorist prospect Mansur al-Hawrani told reporters Wednesday that he is continuing to carefully weigh recruitment offers from several radical Isla...

THE ISLE OF EMBERS—With the natives’ drumbeats suddenly falling silent as a mysterious midday darkness rolled across the island, sources confirmed that a solar eclipse occurred just in time Friday to stop imperiled U.S.

PYONGYANG—In an effort to relieve his boredom and fill an otherwise uneventful afternoon, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un stacked all 24 million of his country’s inhabitants into a human pyramid Friday to help him pass the time.

GHOUTA, SYRIA—With its uneven, debris-strewn playing surface causing balls to bounce severely and unpredictably, players at this year’s highly anticipated Syrian Open admitted Thursday that the tournament is a serious test for anyone unaccusto...

BEIJING—Claiming the changed media landscape of the digital age has led to a marked drop in the depth and quality of party propaganda, veteran reporters in China expressed concern this week over what they see as the decline of traditional state-cont...

With the Israeli-Palestinian conflict escalating, sectarian violence boiling over in Iraq, and Syria mired in a civil war that’s now more than three years old, the Middle East continues to be plagued by bloodshed and unrest.

RAFAH, GAZA STRIP—Remarking that he felt honored to be considered so important and influential, Gazan civilian casualty Khalil Said Zahlan told reporters from an emergency aid station Monday that he was incredibly flattered to have been mistaken for...

CONAKRY, GUINEA—With the death toll in West Africa continuing to rise amid a new outbreak of the Ebola virus, leading medical experts announced Wednesday that a vaccine for the deadly disease is still at least 50 white people from being developed.

WASHINGTON—Admiring their mutual indifference toward Gazan civilians and families during the ongoing conflict, sources confirmed Thursday that global political leaders, observers on the ground, and the international community at large agreed that Is...

JERUSALEM—In response to criticism surrounding the death toll during its ongoing incursion into Gaza, representatives from the Israeli government Wednesday emphasized that warnings sent to Palestinian civilians provided them with ample time to evacu...

GAZA CITY—Saying that he doesn’t want to use the same phrasing yet again in his latest article, Associated Press journalist Marcus Lambert, who has been stationed in the Gaza Strip since the beginning of this month’s most recent outbreak...

After troops from his country forcibly seized Crimea earlier this year, Russian president Vladimir Putin is back in the news for allegedly arming separatists in eastern Ukraine with the missiles that are believed to have taken down Malaysia Airlines Fl...

Tensions have quickly escalated in Gaza following the recent collapse of peace talks and the subsequent kidnappings and murders of Israeli and Palestinian teens, with Israeli citizens now threatened by daily rocket fire from Hamas while Gaza residents ...

LONDON—Concluding it was the best way to ensure she remains comfortable during her twilight years, the British Royal Family recently placed Queen Elizabeth II into a local nursing home, sources confirmed Wednesday.

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL—Responding to ongoing protests over perceived corruption and irresponsibility within the government, Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff announced Monday that any profits from hosting the 2014 World Cup will be invested in desp...

RIVERTON, WY—Speaking at its annual summit held around the charcoal grill behind the Dillon family home, the country’s leading coalition of slightly tipsy cousins released its 2014 greatest nation on earth rankings to relatives at a backyard b...

DHAKA, BANGLADESH—Calling the luxury an extravagance that he can’t begin to imagine, impoverished Bangladeshi child Sourav Munshi told reporters Wednesday that he dreams of one day being able to leave a light on for absolutely no reason at all...

BRASILIA, BRAZIL—With the eyes of the entire world upon them, hundreds of the greatest soccer stars from across the globe have gathered in Brazil for what essentially amounts to a monthlong Coca-Cola ad, sources confirmed Tuesday.

NEW YORK—Warning that such occurrences pose a grave threat to the global economy and millions of human lives, a report presented Thursday at a United Nations summit on magical realism highlights an alarming increase in incidences in which the whole ...

WASHINGTON—Putting the nation on alert against what it has described as a “highly credible terrorist threat,” the FBI announced today that it has uncovered a plot by members of al-Qaeda to sit back and enjoy themselves while the United S...

LUANG PRABANG, LAOS—Noting that his consular officer said it couldn’t hurt to take a chance on a few long shots, prospective immigrant Soukan Chitmany told reporters Monday that, in addition to applying for permanent residence in a number of m...

WASHINGTON—Following a comprehensive two-year linguistic survey, a report published Wednesday in the academic journal Language revealed that 58 percent of Japanese speakers worldwide are 23-year-old white men from the United States.

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CHICAGO—Seeking to maximize the potential reach of their latest post, sources confirmed Thursday that the editors of news website The Daily Blotter managed to force the word “millennials”into the article’s headline in order to boost pageviews.

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Repeatedly referring to himself as “on fire” and “in the zone” on that particular day, local office worker Kenneth Michelson was reportedly still talking this week about an incredibly productive afternoon he had nearly four months ago.

Vacation To Israel Canceled Due To History Of Israel

HOBOKEN, NJ—With only three weeks to go before embarking on a much-anticipated vacation to Israel, 34-year-old Jeff Kaufmann made the difficult decision to cancel his trip yesterday, citing unfavorable exchange rates and the entirety of the Jewish nation's 60-year existence. "I'd been looking forward to this for months, but hotel prices started going up, things got kind of crazy at work, and also Israel's whole history is basically a decades-long horror show of ethnic violence, harsh reprisals, and geopolitical madness." Kaufmann said. "The Negev Desert is supposed to be amazing, but on the other hand, ever since its founding in 1948, Israel has been spinning downward in a chaotic spiral of fear, hatred, and death. So it's a tough call." Kaufmann added that he hopes the Arab and Jewish peoples will be able to put aside a century of bloodshed before his travel voucher expires in June.