Discussion and resource forum for women who have had past severe trauma, such as rape, affect their lives. You are not alone.
It's okay to be angry.

No means no

Saturday, 25 May 2013

Day after day

Do you
understand PTSD?

I live with
it every day, yet I don’t understand it.I don’t understand why my mind has chosen to now remember every single day
a hugely traumatic event I told it to forget 40 years ago.I don’t know why my brain is triggered by
certain words, sights, pictures, smells.I can never predict when it will happen, so I have absolutely no control
over it.

So who the
hell are you to tell me to “get over it”?I have to behave better?Oh yes,
I wish I could.I wish I could just be “normal”
and not have immediate reactions to things I don’t even know will trigger
me.I wish I could understand my own body
and why it reacts the way it does.I
wish I could control my breathing, my pulse, the sudden rise in temperature,
the tears that come absolutely unbidden and unstoppable.

I feel
betrayed by people I thought I could trust, who weren’t and aren’t there for me
when I need them.I feel betrayed by my
own body which lets me down at the most inconvenient times. I feel betrayed by
my mind which has the dramas on constant replay when all I want to do is forget
them. I feel betrayed by a system that will only allow me 10 visits to someone
who could help me, because the system doesn’t understand that 40 years can’t be
repaired in 10 visits.

And I feel
hugely hurt by people who, despite knowing my story, do not recognise my
problem as a depressive illness and think I can fix myself. Oh how I wish it
was that easy.

I don’t
know who I am any more.I’m starting to
forget “happiness”, if I ever really felt it.It’s like every episode of my life has been a one-act tragi-comedy.Except I’m not laughing.I’m not a drama queen.I didn’t choose where I am, I don’t want to
be in this mind or in this body, but I can’t get out of it.

I feel so
vulnerable, like I trust so deeply because I so much want to believe in the
good in people, yet every time I get hurt.I am so scared of rejection.Why?Am I always trusting the wrong people?Who are the right ones? I don’t know any
more, I lost the ability to tell that a long, long time ago.

I can’t see
any light at the end of my tunnel, just walls all around, closing in. I wonder
what happens when they finally reach me?