2005-08-25

Baby baby, fallin' in love.

My phone's back on, as predicted.The apology is resting in my pocket, warm and snuggly like my puppy.My puppy is the very first creature in the history of the world who likes to hear me sing.I leave the radio on for her and I change the station each day. Sometimes it's Classic Rock (yeah!), sometimes KXCI Community Radio and lately, Lite Rock.So this morning, that song, "Baby baby fallin' in love. I'm fallin' in love again..." came on the radio. Puppers was cozied up on my bed, chewing away on some toy and when I started to sing, the adorable smile come over her and she just stared at me...puppy love, you know?So I started to do the hustle a little and I kept singing and she LOVED IT. It was one of the best feelings in the world! My little doglet and I were ding the hustle around my bed room and I sang and she loved it! It was a Moment, you know?Like the time I stood with Grace at the bathroom window. She was sitting on the window sill and I was standing at the sink. We both watched it rain, just quietly being there for a least 2 and a half minutes before the spell was broken.I live for those Moments with my pets. The Moments that I have with those three animals, individually, make me feel connected to something. They make me feel peaceful and like I don't really want or need anything more than I have.

Tomorrow is my mom's birthday. I'm not sure what to do about that. I don't want to call because my email and phone call have gone unreturned. Clearly, she seems to need her space from me. But what's the right thing to do? Do I call and pretend like we are friends right now? Do I not call, which seems a lot meaner than I really am... I can't sweep under the rug the feelings that I worked out recently. I can't do it. Every time I do that, things remain the same for me and I stagnate in a position or in a relationship and I stay at about the maturity level of a 19 year old.I want to move forward with my life. There is an adorable property that I want to buy. It's small and inexpensive but it's in a U of A neighborhood that is also close to University Hospital. To me, it is the ideal property. It's a great start for me to own a home and it's in a part of town that will never go unoccupied, ever. To hold onto the property forever would be to have a purely money-making rental. To sell the property to a med student or to a U of A parent or a rental agency would also make money. The taxes in that neighborhood are not going to change very much - the neighborhood itself isn't changing. It's residential, accessible, and the fact is that right now, I don't have the cash to do it.I have to believe that next year, when the cash will be less tied to other goals, I HAVE to believe that another perfect casita will be on the market.Or a condo.*sigh*

I got off track there.I don't know what to do about my mother's birthday. She doesn't want to hear from me until... until what?I don't know.She does not seem to want to hear form me.But not calling your mom on her birthday? That's so tacky. I may play tacky in conversation but the Academy will nominate me any time for that performance. It bothers me greatly when things are truly inappropriate. I get repulsed and deeply embarrassed, which for me is often the worst emotion that I can think of.So crap.I don't know what to do.I know I don't want to be worrying about this crap.I passed a major exam, I am on the board as far as writing and my real job are both concerned, I am having a blast being back in the gym and doing dog stuff and just you know... enjoying myself.It's not fair that I can't call my mom without it being uncomfortable.It's a waste, you know? Like, there are so many shitty days in a person's life. There are bad days and tragic days and hard days and days where more than you can handle has to be done and there's nobody else to do it... I can't understand why people chose to not acknowledge the things that another person whom they love needs acknowledged. I can't understand being purposefully difficult anymore. I used to do it to Steve. For three years I acted more difficult than I actually am and I ended up attached and sad and I wasn't getting anything good for me and I wasn't doing anything good for him. I look back at that train wreck and I think to myself, "What a waste." I only did it because I thought that's how I was supposed to act. I loved him like I never have and never will love a man and although there were lots of things going on in that relationship, one thing that was going on and that I am woman enough to own is that I pushed and pushed and pushed over...nothing.I pushed because it's all I knew how to do and I wasted so much gorgeous time with this man whom I LOVED... no, love.It took an alternative relationship to open my eyes to my own behavior and how ugly it was. Why couldn't I stand back and let my partners be whom they were. I loved them for who they were but I spent a whole bunch of time pushing them for no reason. Because I could bully them, I guess.And as it turns out, I can't bully people like that. I end up across the country without the guy I thought for sure I would never really leave.I end up learning how tender I am toward the people that I love. I learned how to allow that tenderness out in the open, how to trust it.I can't understand anymore why people would stay in a place of not listening and not exchanging. I will never be able to treat someone the way I treated Steve.Stevie, I've apologized but damn, I'm sorry.I was a bitch.If I could take it back I would in a second and you know what? I'll see you in the next life. I'll see you first. This one got way out of control, you know? The next one is going to rock.I used to love fighting with people and now?

I hate it. It makes me feel like less of a person because to me, it is so easy to say, "Hey you're you and I'm me and I don't love you any less or judge you for that."It's so easy for me that I want it to be easy for everyone and the sad fact is that it's not easy for everyone.

Damn I wish I could eat a chorizo burrito right now. F-ing health kick. Is being hot worth the sacrifice?

Of course it is.Damn I love dating myself - we never fight about anything serious. The pressure to be beautiful feels so much more rewarding than it has in the past. I think tonight, we'll take the dog to the park and then make a romatic meal and go to bed early.