25 ways to prevent common sexual frustrations in marriage (II)

Sixteen: When couples deliberately know, admit, and value the various sexual peaks and work with them, frustration becomes alien on the bed. Couples must understand the fact that most men reach their sexual peak in their late teens or early twenties. Most women reach theirs a decade or more later. Often when a woman is in her thirties and forties, her sexual desire becomes stronger, sometimes insatiable, especially when they are no longer afraid of sudden pregnancy or burdensome house chores. Moreover, as a man ages, his emotional side increases. Through each stage, couples grow and learn more about each other and become more patient and sensitive to each other’s needs. This is God’s blessing to us, because it allows a couple’s sex life greater longevity and duration. But if you do not know and appreciate this, at each stage or level, the couple may experience frustration.

Seventeen: Frustration will always be the order of the day when couples cannot differentiate between the different types of ways to make love. Partners should know what type of sexual gifts to give each other at different times. Couples must just have to recognise the different kinds of sex. So often, couples feel the pressure to have “perfect” sex – complete with earthquake, fireworks, and multiple orgasms. It is not every time you have sex that there will be a “bell ringer”; and that is okay, because you are both connecting. Sometimes sex will be a quickie to meet the need of the moment. Sometimes, it could be functional sex, or just sex. Sometimes, when you are not in the mood, you could have it simply because your spouse needs you at that moment. Sometimes, it may be comfort sex; when life has brought devastation, the only comfort and security you find is in the arms of your spouse as a lover. You will be ahead when you understand that the different kinds of sex point to the ultimate reason for sex –the relationship. The goal is not whether you end with a climax; the goal is that you are connecting as a couple.

Eighteen: When couples make up their minds to just make passionate sex the foremost focus, there will be no way they can experience frustration.

Do not rush. In a survey about sex conducted recently, we asked women what they hated about sex. ‘Rushed sex’ ranked number five. When you have a solid foundation, and have spent years growing together and discovering more sexual tips, then you would want to have a lot of variety. Nevertheless, a woman who is repeatedly unsatisfied, who senses that her husband’s pleasure always comes before hers, can feel used and empty. She wants to experience the whole spectrum of sex – the physical, emotional, spiritual, and relational. This is not to say rushed or quickie sex is wrong. Still, sex should not be rushed all the time. That would be like eating nothing but fast food. Going through the local fast food drive, getting a chilidog and onion rings occasionally is not a problem, but your health would suffer if you do it for every meal. Make your goal pleasurable sex that satisfies both of you.

Nineteen: To prevent frustration, never forget to always communicate the very nature of sex you need from your spouse. This goes a long way.

If you think you are going to have a quickie and your spouse is expecting a long, passionate encounter, both of you will probably end up frustrated. Clarify your expectations. Women need to prepare mentally for sex. If a wife knows she is headed for a quickie, she can mentally prepare for that, including the realisation that she may not climax. Most of the time, the woman will still enjoy sex, even if she does not have the same outcome as her husband.

Twenty: Become the expert at your spouse’s sexual triggers, know how to switch on his or her generator. Know what can weaken him or her at any given time and subscribe to such, it will always deliver.

We often joke about his-and-hers triggers, switch or thermostat. Usually, we say that men have one sexual trigger: everything. Women are a bit more complex. Though, seriously, because men are more visually stimulated, a man can become aroused by seeing his wife naked, undressing, or wearing something provocative. Typically, women are not that way. Therefore, a husband needs to discover what his wife’s sexual triggers are.

A wife may be a “touch me” girl: she likes hugs and caresses. She may be a “tell me” girl: she likes affirmation and verbal foreplay. She may be “listen to me and share with me” girl: she opens up after connecting with her husband through conversations. She may be a “doing” girl: she appreciates it when he picks up messes and helps with housework. She may be a “spiritual food” girl: she becomes open to sex after connecting with him through prayer, reading the scripture and discussing spiritual matters.

Twenty-one: Exercise the art of appreciation and admiration. There is a part of each of us that likes it when our partner is happy with our performance, insight or advice. We long to hear, “You did a good job,” or “You’ve worked so hard this week; I want to take you out for dinner, so you don’t have to cook.” Sincere verbal appreciation motivates us. Overwhelm your spouse with appreciation and watch their sexual desire increase.

Twenty-two: Make each other a priority. Deliberately place full importance on the other and let them know how significant their love is to you. Multitudes of sex therapists and marriage counsellors name fatigue as the number one enemy of sexual intimacy. When couples are worn out, sex is one of the first things to leave their minds. If sex enters our minds – even fleetingly – we think, “I’d really like to have sex, but when I do have the time and the energy?”

We can push sex to the side and claim it is “just for a season.” Yet, pretty soon, that season turns into a pattern. That is when it becomes ingrained in the heart and we become blind to what we are doing. Of all sexual issues, exhaustion is the one over which we have the most control. You may ask, how? By reprioritising, working less, saying no to outside activities that do not further the marriage, or asking for help. Carve out time each week, just to relax and have fun with each other.

Grab your calendars, sit down with your spouse, and talk through your schedules. Ask each other these questions: What is an absolute priority? What feels like an absolute priority but really isn’t? What can we get rid of, at least for now? What is the best day to set aside as a time for just the two of us to have sex, to have fun and enjoy each other? Get yourselves back to remembering, oh yeah! This is really fun!

Twenty-four: Never hesitate when you sense that you need sex or that your partner needs it. Give yourself permission to enjoy sex. Be open to pleasing your lover. Take on a “Why not, it’s OK attitude,” because sex does not hurt.

Twenty-five: Keep practising devotedly and actively because the rule of the game is to be enthusiastic. Sex stirs the craving for more sex. Lovemaking elevates the brain chemicals associated with desire. Therefore, as we decide to have sex and find that we enjoy our time of lovemaking, our libidos increase, often leading to an increased yearning to have sex more often. What could be more fun and exciting than that? Absolutely nothing, and guess what, couples who follow these points line after line will never experience frustration again. Keep the sexual passion burning till I come again to you next week as your one and only bedroom instructor.

Questions and answers

What do you think?

Dear Aunty Funmi,

I love your articles; the topics are down to earth, and my husband loves reading them. Most of the time, we are in each other’s company and do most of the things you write about. We have even learnt some new tricks from you and we are quite grateful.

I have two children; my last baby is seven years old and we have not been able to have another one after him. My husband is so keen on having a new baby and I have tried to talk him out of it to no avail. I will be 46 years old in April 2018 and my husband is 54. My husband has said that I should seek your advice. How safe is it to have a baby at this age? What are the side effects? I would sincerely love to hear from you.

Thanks.

Mrs. E. Owolabi

The point of the matter is if you are healthy and you have enough financial plans to take care of the child, I think you should follow your husband’s heartfelt desire. From experience with many clients that I have dealt with over the years, when husbands want more children and the wives are adamant that there is no need for them, many of the men stray and have more children out of wedlock. Think twice about it before you take a conclusive stand on this. Besides, it helps to secure your love in his heart.

Is midlife crisis in men difficult to handle?

This is my very first time of talking to a therapist concerning sex issues in my family. Well done! I will say sex has not been so great ever since my hubby clocked 40 three years ago. He just took another turn all together. It’s either he is not interested but lustfully looking at another woman as if he is sex starved or he is rushing in and out of sex.

He says this comes with midlife challenges and pressures of life. I have tried so many times to restore it but to no avail. I had a baby in 2010 and after seven years of waiting, I got pregnant. I’m pregnant now and due in three months time. I have asked him if it has to do with having a child but he says no, although I still feel so much like a virgin down there.

My hubby isn’t having a sexual affair with another woman but I noticed the way he recently looked at other women. I’m so worried that we may get used to this status as I don’t feel any intimate affection anymore. I still read all your columns so as to keep connected.

He keeps pleading and encouraging me to understand it is only a phase and that it will become history. I love my husband so much and will never consider cheating on him, but I miss him sexually. We have known each other for 20 years and we have been married for few years. I pray and look forward to a revamped sexual relation this year and beyond, I will expect your response.

Christiana Uche

When men turn 40, they actually are in their midlife timing and this midlife timing presents them with lots of heart searching challenges. For some, they totally withdraw from many loved activities and responsibilities. For many, they change altogether. The midlife crisis’ challenges present themselves in different ways, depending on the temperaments, make-up, stress level and exposure of the men. Some of the men have a negative approach to it while some manage it well. I would sincerely advise that you should be extremely understanding and careful. He will come out of the situation better if you are very wise in handling the situation. For instance, if he is not giving you that sex you desire but you catch him lusting after another woman, please be calm and ignore it. His brain is just censoring lots of things. You can revisit the issue long afterwards with a mature approach. In most cases, this is the period many men run away from their home with another woman and neglect their children. I can assure you that he will come out of it if you are patient and loving. Just love him more than before and never cheat on him.

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