um, i'm lame. i never update this silly thing. oh well. at least that means i have a life. if you see me updating this more, that probably means A, that i have become antisocial or B, that there's a paper i should be writing. in this case, it's B. bye!

you're twenty but you feel like your fifteenyour live journal buddy list has more "friends" than "friend of"you use your "friend of" list to judge how many friends you haveyou then realize that most of these people don't even talk to youyou then realize that many people you call friends aren't friendsyou think of your "friend" who forgot your birthday, your "friend" who called you a slut, your "friend" who is too concerned with making new "friends" to care about her "best friend"you feel stupid for not realizing this years ago, when you were actually fifteenyou start to think that maybe friendship is overrated, and you should just hang out with your granny instead...maybe your cat...maybe just sit around with deceased poets all day

1. I'm obsessed with the band idlewild but have NO money to buy their new cd

2. I miss a certain friend of mine who i haven't talked to in months and i know he doesn't want to talk to me but...i miss him. goddamnit. it's all my fault too, for being a shit ass friend. ergh.

3. i said i was going to go to bed an hour ago so i could wake up early and work on my history paper/register for spring classes before work. double ergh.

4. i'm stressed but not really sad just kinda wishing i didn't do so much shit!

5. i have to reschedule my therapy appointment because i said i was going to be on campus at noon on wednesday for an interview to be an editor for the school paper and my therapy appt. is at 11. i suck.

6. i need to invest in a planner. yeah...that's the ticket.

7. i hate my job.

8. so if i call him and he still hates me, is that ok? or should i just be a wuss and not call and not apologize for sucking?

looking back on my old journal entries, i realized that i said that i got out of a relationship that made me "more happy than unhappy" and that must have looked really weird like "wait, if you were so happy then why did you break up with him?" but yeah. um switch the words happy and unhappy.

in other news, tonight was CRAZY!!!! omg it was so much fun. i'm so tired and i'm going to die when i go into work in um...5 1/2 hours but you know what? it was worth it.

we all met up at catie's where we quickly had to throw clothes over our skanky outfits because her parents came home and they're mormon and they probably would have had heart attacks. but then they freaked out anyway because catie had dyed her hair red/purple. hahahaha. that was a classic parent moment "what did you DO to yourself?!?"

so first we (meaning me, catie, tiff, katie, jon and kim-all people from and/or related to my old job at the picnic basket) went to this terrible "teen club" which was for ages 16-19...yeah well, what can ya do? tiff is only 17 so we put up with it for her! we were only there an hour, and then decided to go to a party at rachel's boyfriend rob's house in (i think) westland. i was driving, but i had no idea where we were.

this is what happens when you cram six people into an explorer and blast kelly clarkson. chris would have been proud.

aaaanyway, so we were at rob's for an hour or so before we decided that beer was shitty and none of us wanted to throw up gross-ass light beer soooo then it was off to steak n shake!

by this point it's already almost one, and we get there and the place is packed! presumably with kids just getting out of the "taste of chaos" concert. so we get the coolest waiter and his name is bart "like the simpsons character" (lol) we put him through hell but tipped him awesome and left him our phone numbers (even though we have no intention of answering if/when he calls) on the back of the placemats. it was HILARIOUS walking out of there and seeing the huge smile on his face when he sees five girl's phone numbers...and one guy's. that was a classic moment.

quote of the night? "if i could lick my own pussy, i totally would" -catie

overall an extremely entertaining and exhausting night. what a blast. now i remember why i hang out with those guys...there's a lot more that happened that was equally hilarious but since i can't tell stories as well as mr. steve brozowski, king of the nachos, i will just leave it at that.

hey so....i've been up since about 415 this morning, worked 5-2 with one ten minute break and somehow i can't nap. which is why i say "wtf, mate?!"

also, i totally have to write two papers by noon tomorrow. i'm probably not going to sociology tomorrow. oh well. stupid fuckin freshman in that class. i just hope i can get these damn papers done. both for the same class too! who does that, anyway?!

god you know, i said i wasn't going to procrastinate, and look at me now. i suck ass.

ummm in other (better) news, my parents are going out of town for the week of fourth of july which also happens to be the week my birthday is on!!!! hooooly shit will that be a good week. also--an added bonus--my birthday is on a friday! fuck YEAH!!!! who wants to celebrate jess turning 20 by getting smashed as shit in a well decorated, prissy ass house?! first one to throw up on the white carpet wins a prize!! my bets are on megs. lol.

i'm out.

Current Mood:contentCurrent Music: her space holiday-from south carolina

not quite alone,not quite in companynot quite with you,so alone without youi try not to say too muchfeeling distanti try not to say too muchbut the distance destroys what i am

just so you know (just so you know)i just plain stopped trying (just so you know)just so you know (just so you know)i made up my mind and...

not quite myselfnot quite anyonenot quite in loveyet drowning in your loveyour love drowns out who i am

just so you know (just so you know)i just plain stopped trying (just so you know)just so you know (just so you know)i made up my mind and i'm leaving you

i don't feel alive at all. i don't feel alive at all.

you know, every time i used to listen to this song it used to get me all teared up and then i'd have a good cry about how terrible it was that m--- (i'll do it like they did in the old texts. you can fill in the blanks) loved me so much and i wanted to have that, i wanted to love him back and give him as much of me as he gave of himself, but i couldn't do it because i still felt this emptiness in the pit of my stomach...

i'm listening to the same song now, but it's not the same feeling i always had, and i appreciate that. thank you, mind, for giving me some assurance on my decision. i don't feel so empty right now, and i think i did the right thing. i walked away. i walked away from something that was making me more happy than unhappy, and no matter how much it hurts to think that what had become the biggest part of my life for the year of 2004 will not be part of any years to come, i'm glad, if not for anything else, that i actually made a decision, and it was MINE.

i've been having trouble with decision making lately. it's hard to get anything done when you don't trust yourself to do anything right. but, eric put aside (because whatever happens with him is separate from this, and needs to be separate, because they're not the same thing and you can't lump relationships together), i really think this was a good thing for me. even if i end up married with children someday and think "i wonder what happened to him...that guy in 2004" and i start to cry and think "oh my god, what did i give up?" (which i probably will, because we all know how i am. i just like to cry about everything), it still makes sense to me now, and that's enough.

i don't think i can say anything more about it. i feel like dying my hair now. it's my day off, and i'm not going to spend another second of it sitting in bed like a lame-o!