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The Worries

I’ve officially got the worries! I don’t know if this is normal but I’m going to assume it’s just part of the process of the journey to motherhood which is itself obviously a worrying time – there’s a whole host of things from the minor scraped knees to the really serious shit which can go wrong.

When I got pregnant I worried for the first trimester that we’d get to the scan date and there’d be nothing there, that despite a positive pregnancy test which was reaffirmed by a test at the doctor’s I might not have even ever been pregnant. I assumed when the time came for the scan it would reassure me – not so. Obviously I was absolutely thrilled to not only discover there was a live baby in there but that seven weeks later she looked to be growing and thriving as she should be. Obviously I’m delighted the pregnancy hasn’t been plagued by medical complications, trips to hospital or bleeding.

But every day I feel more acutely aware of all the things which can go wrong from here on in. Now entering my third trimester, I worry greatly about the prospect of a premature birth and what that might mean for the little one. In a way I feel absolutely foolish for even thinking about it so much, there’s no indication to say she will arrive any earlier than the time she’s due. But equally it can and does happen with no warning.

I also find as we near her due date I’m more worried about the process of actually bringing up a child. At the start she was almost an abstract to me, an idea (albeit an idea which was making me feel sick all the time). Now I can see her move and I know in three months or less she’ll be here. Now I’ve started to think beyond those first few whirlwind days of hospital care and then coming home with an entirely new human who you’ve been trusted to look after. Now my concerns can focus on anywhere between the present day (at 28 weeks pregnant) and our baby being all grown up. The simple fact of the matter is there’s lot of ways to mess up a kid’s life and, although clearly I have the best of intentions, I know the basics, I definitely love her already and I’m not entirely stupid so some of it should just be common sense, what if I simply am not a good mother?

Really there are no answers anyone can provide. It’s a case of waiting to see when she arrives and then riding out the bad bits which will inevitably happen at some point and enjoying the good and hopefully coming out of it bigger and better. My worries could all be unfounded and it could all feel very natural. I know a lot of it is simply my personality – even if I’ve done something 100 times before I would still worry about it, even more so if it’s something new and even more on top of that if it’s so important!

Apologies this has been a bit of a thought-dump post! But I always wanted to document my pregnancy honestly and at the moment I feel worry is a big part of it!