But I’m not the sidechick.

I read a post like this on the Cosmopolitan Snapchat story. It was titled “Confessions of a Sidechick.” I sat there reading about having sex with men in relationships and not feeling any remorse. Our experiences had differences though. She’d imagine being with these men in ways I never wanted. I could only relate to not feeling like I’m in the wrong because I don’t know the girl whose boyfriend I’m sleeping with.

It’s not like she’s this figure in the back of my mind. This abstract thing I’ve never seen before. It’s not like I can’t put a face to the name because I’ve seen you before. I’ve been in the same room with you and you’ve had no idea.

Sometimes I felt bad for you. I’d see him post you on his Twitter as if nothing happened. He’d brag about how much he loved you and how he could never do wrong by you. So, I felt bad. These feelings weren’t because I had sex with him but because he was lying to you. Even if I could I wouldn’t take back fucking him. Part of me thinks cheating has been a phase for him. I’d see how much he suddenly appreciated you after he got it all out of his system. I’d be kind of proud, like you go boy. Your boyfriend is still trash though.

Before writing this I’d seen a tweet about a nigga eating out this woman while he has a family at home. She was still saying all niggas are trash. Men blamed her saying she was enabling him but that’s not how I see it. Cheaters will be cheaters. If he wasn’t cheating with her he would be cheating with someone else.

I’ve come to realize that’s what it was. I don’t think highly of myself in comparison to you. I don’t think I’m in any way better than you are. I’m not cute, but I’ve fucked your boyfriend. I sometimes think “Why me?” What was he thinking? Yet, if he didn’t cheat with me it would’ve been someone else. I didn’t go after your man. He came to me. I know you won’t see it the way I do. But listen. Maybe you’re lucky it was me. I won’t come to you woman to woman. I don’t care enough to out your nigga. This feeling of leverage does nothing for me. I came for dick and nothing else. Your boyfriend is cool though so I see why you like him so much.

Even though leverage does nothing for me I tweet slick shit about these situations often. It could be in retaliation to him suddenly realizing he loves you so much. The tweets are for giggles because your boyfriend isn’t who he pretends to be. These subtweets are for him and he always catches them. Sometimes I disguise the tweets as trolling for those who’ve never read my blog. Pretending I’d never get myself in these situations. Then again I don’t really care.

We have these agreements. I can only be vocal about what I’ve done with him when there are no names mentioned. That’s the important part of this all. I get to artistically express myself and you get to keep your relationship. You can stay happy and I get more writing material. Look how this all works out.

So, why should I stop?

I’ve written about this fucking up my karma. I’m so aware of the energy I’m bringing in to my life. I feel like if I ignore it then there won’t be a problem. If I don’t acknowledge its existence. Say I don’t believe in this energy then I can go about my day. But, I feel like the things I do only negatively impact my karma. My life. Your boyfriend is happy like this won’t get back to him. Maybe it won’t? I don’t know. It’s all confusing when I think too much about it.

So now I have to ask what have you gotten out of reading this? I know you hate girls like me. I’m not a bad person. This isn’t me bragging. I’m not here to ruin happy homes. Had your home been happy this wouldn’t have happened. None of this is your fault. Your boyfriend is trash but at least he sees what he has in front of him now.