I have insurance, but it doesn't cover stupid patsyesque things like putting her phone in a bag with a leaking boiling hot thermos. Or inviting strange people back to her flat for a drink who subsequently steal your camera and a bottle of voddie.

The phone thing pisses me off coz I had a lot of photos on it and all my numbers. We salvaged the sim card so I still have the same number. so I just sit here waiting for people to call me on an old nokia. Pain in the arse. Always save your numbers to the sim not the phone.

After it was marked and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at B&Q and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This picture is of me selling a shovel.