Heads-up: If you start clicking the spoilers at the end of the review, it’s gonna get real NSFW, real quick. So make sure to only read this post with parental supervision.

The premise

You’re a forever alone [boy/girl] who starts the game by creeping on some chick in a bar.

But instead of drying her crotch up with your awkwardness, your pathetic attempt at human interaction inspires her to put on a fairy outfit and become your personal dating adviser (and potential lover, ofc).

It gets fun.

The script/voice acting

This is the star of the show. It’s like watching the Panty & Stocking dub. Sorta.

Unfortunately, after the spectacular intro scenes, the sole character interaction is between you and the girls. And while they do expand upon the girls’ personalities from the introduction, the short interactions don’t stand on their own.

The dialogue’s fun. But I want *more* fun.

Kinda sucks, cuz you can tell the characters are more interesting than they’re given the opportunity to be.

The problem (the gameplay)

Huniepop is probably the most difficult match-3 game to ever exist.

No, it’s not alright! Fuck!

When I set the difficulty of a game down to easy, I expect it to be easy. I don’t expect to spend hour after hour trapped in a maze of frustration, just so I can see some fucking anime tits. The gameplay is a complete cockblock.

Must’ve been taking pointers from the cunt queen of ’97.

Sure. Maybe I suck, but maybe I shouldn’t have to spend 20 hours on a 5-hour game. And maybe the people who play this for the deep gameplay could fuck off so I can get off. I just wish this was a straight dating sim so I didn’t have to deal with the puzzle bullshit.

Now, to Huniepop’s credit, it was pretty damn enjoyable when I wasn’t spinning my wheels. To illustrate that, have a video where I ended up spinning my wheels:

Maybe a “retard’s first vidya” setting next time, guys?

The best girls, ranked (obv the most important part of the game)

Remember how I said at the start of the review that things were gonna get NSFW? Well, the uncensored CGs are in the spoilers. And please, for the love of your god, if you get off to this… make sure to think of me. I can get jealous sometimes. <3

1. Kyanna

UrbanDictionary puts it better than I ever could.

Spoiler:

2. Audrey

Complete and utter bitch. But she let me cum on her hair, so I know our love is true.

Spoiler:

3. Nikki

Nikki’s that girl who constantly bitches about how bitchy everyone but she is. That lack of self-awareness… what a fucking aphrodisiac. And I don’t have to deal with her bullshit out of game? Even better.

Spoiler:

4. Kyu

A love fairy who calls her butt plug “fairy tail”?

My kinda girl.

Spoiler:

5. Aiko

She called me racist after I gave her chopsticks. Sold. <3

Spoiler:

6. Lola

“I sure like to travel and go on fancy vacations.”

Find someone who can afford you then. Still have her at number 6, cuz she’s way kawaii.

Spoiler:

7. Beli

Fuck you, Beli. You were the first girl I wanted to go after, but I kept failing your fucking dates so you ended up being the last one. And yes, I am putting this all on you. Lower your fucking standards, bitch.

Spoiler:

8. Jessie

She’s 36, but still called me daddy. Goddamn, is she great.

Spoiler:

9. Celeste

Nipple clamps can be cool.

Spoiler:

10. Tiffany

If you tend to order “plain cheese” pizza or a “hamburger with nothing on it”, you’re boring enough to be interested in Tiffany.

Spoiler:

11. Venus

12. Momo

While her second CG is the best in the game, Momo is such an annoying bitch I began praying for an option to strangle her with her chain so she would stop whinging at me with her fucking broken voice. All she does is go on and on about her fucking cat facts.

To be honest, I found the game’s difficulty to be rather balanced (even on Hard) until really late in the game. You reach a point where the speed matching becomes impossible, since your score degrades at a rate that would require something like 3 matches a second to overcome. But up until then, if you skill properly and approach each match with the correct mindset and items, you should be able to get through it even on hard difficulty.

Gross. Can you even imagine? It’d be so hard to play the game together that way.

No, I was thinking me and Jesus sitting side by side, Jesus taking the (mouse) wheel with his right hand, stroking my dick with his left, and then me stroking his dick with my right, and texting how hashtag swag this is with my left. This way we could enjoy the game together (and actually watch/play it) in a rather sensible manner.

A glimpse? Wish I had caught only a glimpse too. Those precious ~15 minutes of my life are never coming back – not to speak of the hours of therapy I’m gonna need if I ever want to forget the experience…

Indeed, I was going to comment on this before the post was deleted, pretty obvious you never did it before too, and making videos isn’t something you’re naturally good at, wouldn’t really recommend switching things up now either.

I didn’t like Huniepop. Probably because I expected an actual VN with like, plot and stuff.

There is no actual plot, character development or satisfying backstory. Talking to the heroines is just a simple Q&A that 1) gets old quickly, and 2) loses all purpose besides filling out each girl’s details page (assuming it contributes to the 100% completion) once you get enough hunie to buy all the upgrades.

The “realistic” writing got old after the first hour or so. The CGs were kinda hit and miss for me. Further on the topic of CGs, they had no satisfying context behind them–no important plot point or reason behind them other than “great, you were able to beat the game, here’s some (sometimes shitily drawn) porn/a drawing.”

Anyway, that’s just what I thought of it, but it’s really my fault since this entire time (since the huniepop writing video first came out) I was expecting a vn.

By the way, was there a point in getting all the girls’ panties in your inventory? What about the tissue box? I didn’t know what to do with them.

Oh, and 10/10 taste. Kyanna best girl.

Spoiler:

I may or may not just be saying this because Hispanic girls best girls. Also totally not a hoop earring fetish.

I haven’t played the game, but I’ve seen enough gameplay to know that Kyu and Tiffany are my favorite girls out of the twelve, both of them have such cute voices and Kyu is a very naughty and horny fairy, which would allow me to get along with her so well because I’m very naughty and horny all the time too. Tiffany is a adorable and innocent school girl and love when she says: “what’s shakin’ bacon?” And “Hey you!” She also has a very nice shaved pussy, Kyu too.