Heads Up! Mets Totally Have This Concussion Thing Down Now

Mets third baseman David Wright doesn't remember his former teammate Ryan Church's struggles coming back from a concussion last year. Of course not, because Wright got beaned by a 94 MPH Matt Cain heater and is now suffering through his own concussion-like symptoms now. Fella doesn't even recognize the names in yesterday's Mets lineup, probably because they're all third-stringers, has-beens, and never-will-bes.

But when Church suffered through his concussions last year, the team was not cautious to allow Church to heal completely. They brought him back too soon from two (2!) different concussions and Church's production suffered as a result. They're being more careful with Wright this year, placing him on the 15 day D.L. and probably keeping him out for the rest of the year. It's easy this year, you see, because the Mets are like 38 games out of first place.

But no worries, future victims of Matt Cain's 94 MPH head-seeking fastball! The nerdy scientists have invented a new kind of helmet that can withstand up to 100 MPH of speedy hardcore pitch action without any negative effects, like concussions or memory loss that prevents you from remembering the last time the Mets had their shit together. And the players are absolutely enthused about the new helmet style, right, Frenchie?

"No, I am absolutely not wearing that," Mets right fielder Jeff Francoeur said with a laugh after seeing a prototype, as if he were being asked to put a pumpkin on his head. "I could care less what they say, I'm not wearing it. There's got to be a way to have a more protective helmet without all that padding. It's brutal. We're going to look like a bunch of clowns out there."

Okay, so I cherry-picked a quote from a story that was published days before Wright got plunked to make Francoeur look silly. But at least David Wright's own quote foreshadowed his noggin's untimely demise:

"If it provides more protection, then I'm all for it," said Mets third baseman David Wright, who last week dodged a Brad Thompson fastball traveling on a frightening vector toward his head. "I'm not worried about style or looking good out there. I'm worried about keeping my melon protected."

We can only hope that Major League Baseball forces its players to wear this new-fangled helmet as soon as possible, if only to protect other folks' melons from splattering their juicy goodness all over home plate.