Gay fathers struggle to gain acceptance for their families

Sunday

Mar 27, 2011 at 2:00 AM

Gay fathers and their children have experienced prejudice for years. One Lower Cape boy has gotten harsh words from a minister, some bullies at Cape Cod Regional Technical High School in Harwich and others because both of his parents are men.

EVELYN JACKSONCONTRIBUTING WRITER

When Scott Wagenhoffer-Zahn was 4 years old, and his parents got married in Oregon, a minister grabbed his arms, looked him right in the eyes, and said, “You will burn in hell.”

Scott started to cry. That may have been one of the first times he experienced prejudice, but it was hardly the last. That minister, some bullies at Cape Cod Regional Technical High School in Harwich and others have objected to both his parents being men.

Even his uncles. One, Jimmy, said “that’s just wrong” when Scott’s father Steve Wagenhoffer of Orleans announced at one Thanksgiving dinner that he and his male partner were adopting two babies. “My younger sister wanted nothing to do with me,” Steve Wagonhoffer says. “Her husband (Jimmy) believes you can ‘catch gay,’ so he keeps his kids away from me.”

“When our other father and Steve got divorced,” remembers Scott, now 16, “our father’s brother, Uncle Bob, said, ‘I’m sorry, but that’s how those relationships end up. I’m sorry because I won’t be seeing you in heaven.’”

Scott and brother Alex, also 16, have never even met their uncle Jimmy and tell the story of the estrangements with a sense of amazement.

The rejection from the family, though, was a foreshadowing of the kind of anti-gay rhetoric that Steve, Scott and Alex have been hearing for years. Says Alex, “People say sexuality is a taught thing. They say that a gay father will teach you to be gay. But sexuality is genetically wired into us. Hatred is the taught thing.”

Scott adds: “If you grow up eating junk food and sitting around doing nothing, you will grow up lazy, eating junk food the rest of your life. You learn from your parents if they teach you to hate.”

Some gay fathers believe it can work the other way, too. John, a 55-year-old gay father from Fall River who did not want his last name used, says knowing his father’s sexual orientation has made his son more open-minded.

Recently, “he was in a room with friends and there was a discussion about being gay, He said, ‘So what, my father’s gay.’ He is more accepting, and if I hadn’t come out, he probably wouldn’t be as open-minded and supportive.”

The U.S. Census Bureau does not break down statistics of same-sex couples with children by state. Figures about those families are among the statistics compiled nationally through the bureau’s American Community Survey, extrapolating from a sampling of 3 million people. Specific numbers are not given (in part to protect privacy, a spokeswoman says) but percentages are available.

Just over one-quarter of same-sex couples who consider themselves “spouses” have children in their household, and that figure is almost identical for male-male and female-female couples, the figures show. But the number of two-dad parents drops precipitously for unmarried couples, according to the figures: Just 6 percent of them are raising children. By contrast, about 22 percent of unmarried female-female couples are raising a family.

And some men have felt negative attitudes from that minority status. Looking back on his time as a gay father, Wagenhoffer sums up, “If people see two women with a child, they think: mothers. If they see two men with a child, they think: suspect.”

Jeff Hetrick, who lives with partner Glenn Gonsalves in both Plymouth and Provincetown, is a speaker for PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). Following the organization’s mission to “help change attitudes and create an environment of understanding,” Hetrick talks to schools and community groups. He wants the community to know that “most gay people have to work very hard to become parents. By the time you get to be a gay father, you have to be very committed. We want the same things that everyone wants.”

Hetrick tells what he says is a funny story that shows how sensitive a son can be of his father’s feelings. “I was sitting at dinner. My oldest son (Damon) said, ‘Daddy I have to talk to you about something. I have to tell you something, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings. When I grow up, I want to marry a girl.’”

In 1999, Jesse Green wrote “The Velveteen Father” (Villard), a memoir of his life with his partner, Andy, and their two children, Erez and Luke. In the book, Green asks, “What was it that disturbed some people about us?” His answer: “We could not be put into pre-labeled boxes. A spokesman for the disingenuously named Family Research Council ... talked about a ‘mountain of evidence’ proving that ‘homosexuality is destructive to individuals, families and society’ and that ‘... Gay adoption represents a deep threat to children’s well-being.’”

Green’s own rejection came first from his partner’s mother. When Andy told her of the adoption, she said, “Well it may be your child, but it is not going to be my grandchild.”

While much has changed in societal attitudes toward homosexuality since 1999, local families say there is still distancing of gay families from the mainstream – even in Massachusetts, where gay marriage first became legal. A string of suicides of gay youth gained a lot of attention nationwide last year and Southern Poverty Law Center’s Intelligence Report noted in November that “Homosexuals are far more likely to be victims of violent hate crimes than any other minority group in the United States. ... These findings come as a wave of anti-gay attacks have washed across the country.”

The kind of reaction to families with gay people and gay parents varies, of course. Some people are very supportive. Others, however, are not.

Scott, a Cape Tech student, has come out himself as gay. The reaction came as no surprise to him. He has been bullied and assaulted at school and says, “I must hear it 30 times a day at school, ‘Are you a fag?’ I answer, ‘Yes, I am, do you want to do something about it?’”

Alex, who is straight and at Nauset Regional High School in North Eastham, is harassed for having a gay father and a gay brother. Recently, he says, “everyone wore blue to support gay kids who had committed suicide. One ninth-grader said, ‘I don’t want to support them. They are fags.’ He was talking as if they were not real people. But we are all people.”

While Steve Wagenhoffer is, to some extent, inured to anti-gay comments, he has made a conscious decision to turn misunderstandings into teachable moments.

“When Alex was in elementary school,” he remembers, “a substitute teacher asked him to read. Alex shut down. The teacher said, ‘You’re a naughty boy. When your mom comes to pick you up, I’ll tell her.’ Alex replied, ‘I have two dads.’ The teacher said, ‘That’s just wrong.’ I went back into the class and the school took her off the sub list. I did not want my boys to grow up with the same kind of shame I grew up with. At every opportunity I show my boys that they have a voice and I teach them to push back gently and tell them that sometimes a big stick is necessary.”

John was married for more than 20 years when he realized 14 years ago what had been at the root of his marital struggles. Revealing that he was gay to his then-16-year-old son, he says, was “one of the most difficult things I ever did.”

His son’s first reaction: “You can’t be gay.” When John said it was true, his son said, “I don’t care. You are still my father and I still love you. I just have to watch what I say from now on.” His son did get upset, though, when John started dating men.

“At that time he also was dating and I said, ‘You know what you and your girlfriend want on a date is the same thing a gay person wants when he is dating. There is no difference.’”

John is now pleased that he took the risk of coming out. “I’m a father, nothing has changed. If anything, it was for the better. I’m more me than I was before. The weight was off my shoulders.”

Hetrick’s family was far more accepting of he and his partner being gay fathers than was Wagenhoffer’s. He says, “Our parents could not wait for us to be parents. I grew up in the ’60s and ’70s. I never imagined I’d have what I have now, to be married, live openly and proudly and be a father.”

It is not as if there have been no obstacles, however.

“Our life,” Hetrick says, “is not perfect. We’ve also had to deal with school bullying. When our son was 10 he came home crying and at first wouldn’t tell me why. I pried it out of him. Seems a group was making fun of him because he had two daddies. I said, ‘Hold that thought, I want to catch the principal before he leaves.’ Within 24 hours, the principal had seen the bullying boys and spoken to each of them.”

The family also worried about the Cub Scouts. Hetrick explains, “Nationally, the Scouts are discriminatory toward gay people. We let our boys sign up anyway. Our local chapter was great and welcomed the boys.”

Hetrick usually finds, however, that misunderstandings occur not from overt prejudice, but from people being startled that two men are raising a family. “Wherever we went there were some well-meaning people who said how beautiful the boys were and wanted to know who was the mother. We never felt the spirit of the comment was anything but kind, but we needed to know they understood so perceptions would change. We’d say, ‘We are a two-dad family.’ One year, the two boys and I went back-to-school shopping and we got to the counter with an armful of clothing and plunked it down on the counter. The woman behind the counter looked at the three of us and said, ‘Well aren’t you adorable that you gave Mom the day off and took the kids shopping.’

“Maybe it was the hundredth time and I thought, ‘Should I just let it go?’ I usually don’t. It’s important for my husband and me that the boys never feel our family is less validated.”

Hetrick’s major problem, perhaps unexpectedly, has come from the gay community.

In Provincetown, Family Week is the first week in August. “Gay families come from far and wide. Many gay entertainers stand out in front of their venues and say, ‘No kids in here, get away with the strollers, when are you and the kids leaving?’ Some say, ‘Why do you want to copy the straight people?’”

The Rev. Terry Panel, rector of St. Mary of the Harbor in Provincetown, has insights on the rejection from both the straight and gay communities.

Suspicion of gay men “comes from what culture has defined as normative. Gay men are considered suspect. In any culture there is almost always a hierarchy with one group that is dominant. In this country it is white heterosexual males. This is reinforced by religion - both Christianity and Judaism. Both have viewed homosexuality in a negative light. This has been changing rapidly, however. On this subject, the church no longer speaks with one voice.

“We are seeing more conflict now because when a minority finds its voice, the conflict starts. This is where God comes in. In Hebrew scripture, for the kings, the worst thing is when a prophet has spoken. Once spoken, you could not take it back. We are now seeing the reaction to people like Steve and Jeff having children. They are challenging norms. Once gays find their voice, they reject shame. It is as if the prophet has spoken – you cannot put it back in.”

Panel also as an explanation for the reaction Hetrick has felt from the gay community.

“The gay community,” the rector says, “is full of wounded people who feel a strong sense of rejection. To be ostracized as different has a great impact on them. They develop self-defense mechanisms to cope as a result. You are in the tribe or not in the tribe. When gay men see gay males as parents, they feel they have broken the normative pattern. (Some believe) ‘You were not supposed to marry and have children. You threaten us.’”

Scott and Alex try to show compassion and understanding when they face prejudice – perhaps because of what they have already gone through. “It is hard for our father to see the world and see what his kids have gone through,” Scott says. “Our dad has taught us a lot and we use it to change people.”

Adds Alex, “Gandhi said, ‘The way to change people is not through the rod, but through the caring hand.’”

Even 12 years ago, Jesse Green ended “The Velveteen Father” on an optimistic note: “I do not know how hard Erez and Luke will have it. If hard, it will not be because Andy and I are gay, but only because of what people think about that. What (each of our children) know and know joyfully is what is so: his brother, his father and me.”

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