Listening to John Major is not unlike having the faithful, trusted, family Labrador saunter into the room and join the nation by a roaring fire. He oozes reassurance and calm. But it can be a false image. This Labrador dozes with one eye open and a nose for danger. And if he sniffs that the nation is in peril, there will be a ferocious growling and exposed sharp fangs as warning of things to pass. This morning on Marr the growling stopped. There was a lightening leap and a savagery that will both shock and delight.

Major was charming, passionate and exuded something that is a rare commodity in the Brexit debate; sincerity. But, by God he was lethal. ’ I have often been criticised for being understated’ he smiled. Well, matey you certainly made up for it today. ‘I am angry’, he growled. And then sunk his teeth into Bozo’s throat and played with the limp body for a while before he tossed into the brush for the jackals of the press to feed upon. It was a remarkable performance. And deadly. Here are some of the highlights. The Brexit campaign was ‘squalid…..inaccurate and untrue……300,000 jobs to be created a fantasy…..it would lead to a black hole in public finances…..Turkish entry into in EU ridiculous…..the French and Germans would have a referendum on it.’

Probably the most effective put down of the Breiteers was about their ludicrous plans to help the NHS. ‘Boris wants there to be charges, Gove is against and IDS wants an insurance based system….. The NHS is as safe with them as a hampster with a hungry Python.’ It was devastating and made me want to stand up and cheer. But my favourite Bozo put down was,’ an engaging court jester’.

And then we heard the tinkling of tiny bells and in danced Bozo with a pigs bladder on a stick. Someone had told him to look statesmanlike, which is a bit like asking Katie Price to send out the aura of a nun. Marr creamed him. It was put to him that the £350m painted on his bus is a lie. What I find so remarkable is that despite the Treasury Committee and the statistics authority warning that this figure is highly misleading, Brexiteers still peddle it as if it the Holy Grail. When asked asked about accusing Cameron about being untrustworthy and shown the well publicised poster he feigned ignorance, ‘um first time I’ve seen it.’ Really? When taken to task over Turkey joining the EU, ’it’s a lie isn’t it Mr Johnson?’ And the response? Bluster and more brazen obfuscation coupled with twinkling evasion. A really disgraceful performance even by Bozo’s low standards.

The sheer level of hatred for Cameron and Osborne amongst the small minority of pond bottom feeders on the back benches is predictable but depressing. It is a peculiar scorched earth strategy that has hobbled my party for years. It is a political Groundhog Day. The same sort of people never forgave Major for winning the 1992, ‘so we can regroup and return to true Conservatism’. And Cameron had the bloody cheek of winning an outright majority against the odds putting the kibosh on the Brady bunch handing him the pearl handed revolver and the bottle of single malt. It is so unfair. I suspect Number 10 doesn’t give a toss about the fruit looped views of such influential Tories as Cash, Brigden and Dorries. Although one has to ask what it takes for the whip to be withdrawn. To accuse one’s leader in public and on live television of being a liar used to be a hanging out to dry offence. Despite all the disagreements many of us had with Thatcher we would never use such language even in private. Simply because it is not a Conservative or a decent thing to do. And for an unknown MP (we know who you are sonny) to spit the venom and bile, ‘I won’t stab Cameron in the back but in the front so I can see the expression on his face. Then I’d have to twist the knife to save it for Osborne’, would be a banishment offence if it was made against the leader of the opposition. I know this may seem old fashioned, but these are not the words of a gentleman. Yet is it worth breaking bats and rats on a wheel? Of course not. The most effective, irritating and insulting way of dealing with these people is to ignore them. They crave the oxygen of publicity so put them in a vacuum. But it needs a bit of trigger mortis.

I always have had difficulty in understanding the Camosbo loathing. Is it class? Hardly. Is it envy? Perhaps. Is it the primal scream of being excluded from a chumocracy? Probably. But if you are in a position of power you want to surround yourself with people you feel comfortable with. I was never in that position with Thatcher, but I didn’t expect to be. I remember Michael Portillo asking me if I had any regrets not sucking up to the lady. The answer was no. I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin. I would never claim to be in John Major’s inner circle, but we were and are friends. I could have a chat if I wanted to and often did. But did I expect a grand job? Of course not.

I was chatting to a cabinet minister the other day about the depressing fetid atmosphere and recrimination that infects the back benches and his words were that it was like a scene out of the Crucible. So Westminster is a little like the trials of the witches of Salem. ‘Sit on this ducking stool Cameron and Osborne and if you drown you are innocent. But if you float to the surface you will be burnt at the stake to purify your soul’. It is depressing and infantile. Welcome to modern Tory politics.

I thought Hague got it about right when he said that after the referendum there should be a wide ranging reshuffle. Not vindictive, but practical. Those ministers (Priti Patel we know where you live) who have been given every opportunity, even with limited ability, to shine should go if they have behaved disgracefully. And it saddens me to say Gove is not without mortal sin. A great talent who has been caught up in the moment. That terrible and deadly concoction of zeal, adrenaline and loss of moral compass. And Bozo too. It would be bordering on a criminal offence to give him any cabinet position. There will be howls of protest from the obvious quarters. But there will be anyway. Those ministers who have been Brexiteers but who have behaved with honour should stay. Similarly those backbenchers who are natural Eurosceptics but out of loyalty and keeping the party together bit their lips should be rewarded. It will send out a clear message; if you behave like a shit you will be treated as one.

There is still a while to go. Anything could happen. The descent into the politics that inflame prejudices and create hostility to minorities is abhorrent. Even if we leave the EU, open borders within Shengen won’t disappear. Albanians and Syrians will still be trying to navigate the channel. To get a few grubby votes the Brexiteers are demonising those hard working people whom we welcome to our country as taxpayers and contributors the the fabric of our lives. It has always been the British way. They are sowing the seeds of envy and discrimination. It is not just irresponsible but borders on the wicked.

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I warned at the very outset of the junior doctors dispute that the BMA were a ruthless, greedy, cynical bunch of bastards. I warned that despite the decency and reasonableness of Hunt that they would attempt every trick in the book to get an increase in pay and that this was nothing to do with patient safety. It was all about the lolly and always has been. Now that we have seen the leaked BMA messages it confirms what a ghastly bunch of shits that they are. I feel sorry for the junior doctors who are hardworking, dedicated professionals who were totally mislead by their union. They were merely used as props for a ‘vanity display’. Well thank God nobody died as a result of this totally unnecessary industrial action. But a lot of people missed their operations and were left inconvenienced and in pain. And many are still waiting. But there is political collateral damage. Corbyn Mc Donnell and Heidi Alexander now look like opportunist twats. Which of course they were. Will we hear a word of apology from the BMA and those useful fools who swallowed their lies. I doubt it. And let’s give some respect to Jeremy Hunt. He behaved like a gentleman throughout and did not crow about victory when he could have, particularly as his reputation was trashed by the stethoscope wielding mob. He probably has the safest pair of hands in government.

And now to project Smear. The Brextards are getting even more hysterical now that they have lost the economic argument. Well, let’s be fair. As of yet they haven’t offered us one, just a xenophobic slop of emotion over reason. So now it’s Turkey and a few other countries who are soon to join the EU leading to our green and pleasant land despoiled by squillions of rapists murderers and and benefit scroungers all jumping on the first train to Frinton. Except that they aren’t. Ah ha, says a rather nasty piece of a propaganda video, that lying bastard Cameron is pushing to get them in. Look what he said in 2010. Well, never let the truth stand in the way of a good kick in the balls. It has been Conservative party policy since 2003 that we would support Turkish membership. Remember that land of milk, honey and electoral hope when IDS was leading the Tories? Even Bozo made a documentary supporting Turkish accession. And only the other day on LBC he said that the chances of this happening in the foreseeable future were infinitesimal. But that was a few days ago so no doubt he will be saying that he was quoted out of context. The lifespan of a Bozo utterance is about the same as a butterfly but without the beauty and charm.

That video was very troubling for a number of reasons. Firstly it was peddling a lie and secondly it was personally abusive to Cameron. Did Michael Gove sign this off? And as a close friend how could he? I know that politics is a dirty business but there are some depths that if they are plumbed can sour a close relationship. I fear that Gove has crossed the line. This is a shame as I am an admirer.

This brings me on to Steve Hilton. Mercifully, ninety eight per cent of the population have ever heard of him. He was not so much a blue sky as a black sky thinker, as many of his utterings were seriously off world. Despite the fact that he had some pretty barmy ideas like wanting to abolish maternity leave and get rid of all consumer protection for a year, ‘to see what happens’, he was not without his uses. He has always been an original thinker, a sort of Oliver Letwin on crack. The sort of person you keep in the attic and visit once a month to see what he has come up with, and once you have politely dismissed the notion of moving all permanent secretaries to the Falklands to be retrained as sheep shearers, he might just come up with a smidgeon of a brilliant idea. What I couldn’t understand is why he stabbed a very close friend in the back. Ok, he is selling a book, but does that justify such hurtful disloyalty? It reminded me of my dear friend Edwina’s kiss and tell story which caused such pain to many people. Blue on blue action is permissible in these fraught times. But to me friend on friend is abominable.

Talking of blue on blue action I will be debating Brexit with my old but slightly dotty friend Bernard Jenkin. So where is this clash of the Titans going to take place? The Albert Hall? Wembley? The O2? No, no far more up market and grand. It will be in the Wendens Ambo village hall on 14th.June. It is being organised by my local vicar who actually believes in God. Quite remarkable for the C of E these days.

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Not a day goes by without me reading a tweet or a quote from the gloriously over the top Nick Soames. It gives me a spring in my step and a song on my lips. What is so exhilarating is that he has reached that stage which politicians rarely reach; he is happy in his own skin. Which of late there is rather less of. The Commons has always been awash with bitterness and probably always will be. Meander through the bars and dining rooms and pass the rotting ship wrecks of political careers. The has beens, the no hopers, the never will bes. Most sit in corners praying for a seat on the Council of Europe, a knighthood and dream of the peerage that will never happen. But Soames sails through the lobbies oblivious of the creeps, the bores, blatherers and plotters hefted to a good lunch with agreeable company. But sometimes some worm crosses his bow and he fires a broadside. James Cleverly is the latest victim. A horribly ambitious toady to the Brexiteers who made a terrible error of judgement by damning Cameron’s renegotiation before it had even been completed. “Fuck off you cunt”, boomed Soames, no doubt trying enjoy a decent claret and a good gossip with a chum. Now Cleverly is probably dopey enough to regard this as a badge of honour, but Soames has a wonderful way of dealing with this. When a reporter (you can imagine the look of total revulsion at the arrival of this ‘vile reptile’) asked about about the incident, the withering reply was simply, ‘not sure I know anyone called Cleverly …….now bugger off.’ Joyous.

On dealing with Brexiteers he gave the dealing with an aggressive Alsatian analogy ‘kick it hard in the balls’. Although he has quite sensibly told the delusional Adam Afriyie (the chap who has been offering sacked ministers jobs in his government) to ‘Fuck off’, he has been gracious to IDS and the worst he has said about Bozo is that he is an ‘ocean going clot’. Heaven knows what his views on Penny Mordaunt’s car crash on Marr this morning. The poor thing was in denial that we have a veto on Turkish accession. What would really piss off Soames as a former soldier and defence minister would be that she as a serving defence minister is slagging off a member of NATO. And where on the Soames Fuckometer will Michael Portillo’s bizarre remarks that the government is sitting on its hands and doing nothing? I suspect that the very mention of the name would lead to a lip curling look of revulsion.

So the robust common sense of a One Nation Tory adds gaiety to a rather dull and earnest House of Commons infected with angry and obsessional backbenchers. After the referendum and a victory for REMAIN let’s give the man his last hurrah. He would be a brilliant leader of the House. Wonderful entertainment, nothing too arduous and time to slope off for a three bottler lunch. Sheer bliss.

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There is a story in the MAIL today that would have Dacre creaming in his cavalry twills and every swivel eyed Brextard fruit loop howling at the moon in in a juddering climax of pure anti Brussels joy. The story is ‘Proof that Britain’s lost its marbles…a one legged Albanian double murderer poses as a Kosovan refugee to gain UK citizenship…..he gets a four bed house and £2,000 a month benefits as he makes a fortune selling cocaine…..now he has won legal aid to fight to stay here thanks to (surprise!) the Human Rights Act."
This really is a cracker. You couldn’t make it up and I don’t think the MAIL has. But before you bonkeroons reach for the Kleenex, the great irony of it all is that when you dig a little deeper it is a shining vindication of the EU.

Albania is only a candidate member of the EU and therefore it is not signed up to the Human rights provisions enforceable by Luxenbourg. Therefore in theory they can torture its citizens to its hearts content. Well, actually they can’t as Albania is signed up to the EHCR. So there can be no misunderstanding this is the court in Strasbourg whose decisions only have to be ‘taken into account’ by each signatory’s Parliament. So torture is against the law in Albania and they can be hauled into the Strasbourg court if they break it. So irony number one is that the very court that the Eurobarmies want to take us out of is will make it easier for Peg Leg to be extradited back to Albania.

Irony number two is that although we do have an extradition treaty with Albania it could be rather protracted and costly. Technically it could take years. But if they were full members of the EU they would have to be signed up the the European Arrest warrant which is so fast track Peg Leg’s one and only foot would have hardly touched the ground before he would have been on home soil. So this story rather helps us REMAINERS. Not how it’s reported in the MAIL though.

But there are some other issues which real should concern us. Peg Leg managed to fool UK Borders that he was a Kosovan refugee. How? And how did he slip through the net? May really should order a full investigation. And if there are any lessons to learn we should get down to it. Lastly, how is it that a murderer and drug dealer can get legal aid when many decent people who are in a custody battle over their children have to fight alone without any assistance? The family courts are heaving with litigants in person. And there will be injustices.

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I really cannot understand how the Brexiteers can get away with telling such obvious porkers. It is bordering on a national scandal. And talking of porkers I suppose I should regard it as vaguely amusing that Bozo has been relegated to touring the country in a scarlet Blunderbus whilst his supporters claim that this will reinforce his image as a serious politician. Yes, I know, I nearly wet my self just writing that. Haven’t they noticed that the Emperor is stark bollock naked? Has it ever occurred to them that he defies the laws of gravitas? Or maybe they think that posing as a Hannibal Lecter tribute with scary mask and waving a grinder is Prime Ministerial. Maybe the grinder was a subtle image to woo the gay community. Or maybe not. The moment he wrote about them as ‘tank topped bum boys’ perhaps removed him from the Pink Paper Christmas card list.

There is no doubt that Bozo has an impressive intellect, but he is just too lazy to use it. Maybe it is the old saying that the Almighty gave us enough blood to service the brain and a penis; but not necessarily at the same time has some traction here. So the circus is coming to town. Bozo flourishing a pasty. Bozo brandishing a bunch of asparagus. Bozo tossing his well licked ice cream like a medieval jousting favour to a pensioner. Bozo running naked through Whitehall with a German sausage up his bottom. Well, I made the last one up. But……..

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention Bozo’s pint pulling of tribute ale stunt. Did anyone tell him that the brewery received £50k of EU money to set up a bottling line?

Now back to the Porkers. The Blunderbus screams in big black letters that we pay £350 per week to the EU. They know that this is untrue as the Statistics Office has told them. This is based on a bogus figure relied on by Michael Gove that we shell out £18 billion per year to Brussels, which is £2 billion below what Farage and his cronies claim. So what is the plain unvarnished truth? The IFS produced figures that over the last 5 years our average payment was £12.7bn gross of which £5bn was given to farmers and other grants. Last year it was £11bn of which £5 bn we got back in grants. Why are the Brexiteers allowed to get away with such dishonesty?

And now in a state of panic they are playing the migrant card. They claim that 76 million Turks will have rights of entry to Britain. Wrong. The German deal only applies to the Shengen area. Then they suggest that migrants are taking advantage of our benefits system. Wrong. HMRC released figures showing that EU migrants account for £3.1bn of tax and receive £500m of in work benefits. Now they claim that the Living wage is a pull factor for the young migrants. Wrong. 40% of them are under 25 so it doesn’t apply.

I could destroy whole rain forests outlining every single whopper these people peddle. And anyone who dares say anything to the contrary is either biased, put up to it, or part of some elite club. The howls of outrage were deafening when Mark Carney and the MPC warned that a Brexit would result in higher unemployment and a recession. And the IMF had been ‘pressurised’ by the Treasury to warn of the dangers. Have any of them met the formidable Madame Legarde?

But I did have a brief moment of joy this week when I saw a clip of Mathew Elliott being summoned to the Treasury select committee. It is great television. Andrew Tyrie just looked at him as if he was something that he had just had the misfortune to discover on the sole of his shoe. ‘Just why did you think it was more important to fly over to meet Swiss politicians rather than give evidence to your own Parliament?’ This went on to nearly ten minutes until the smug smile of Elliott vanished into a grimace. I thought that the boy was going to be sick. And who was the blond Arian child sitting next to him who looked as if he was in urgent need of a nappy change?

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It was pretty well all over even before Diane Abbott sang. Alright, not so much sang as came out with the ludicrous assertion that all this anti Semite stuff is all the work of embittered Blairites. This seems to be the line as it has been adopted by Momentum and Len McLuskey. Totally cloud cuckoo land of course, but Labour is now seriously off the spectrum. And no, there won’t be a leadership challenge. There never would be. The only way Corbyn will leave office is in a box. He has become the Rasputin of Labour politics. No matter what they do to him he just won’t die. Andy Burnham has come to terms that they are saddled with the man until 2020 and has given up hope by offering himself as Mayor of Manchester. He would be rather good.

But if you momentarily noticed a Gothic gloom descend over Labour and caught a few half whispered words in the ear of the press you might just have spotted the delightfully sinister figure of Damian McBride slink back into the darkness. Yes, the McBride of Dracula is back. His official role is that of spinner for Emily Thornberry. In shorthand his job is to keep her in the attic and only allow her near a television studio if she is bound, gagged and under heavy sedation. But he is the man credited with with coming up with the tried and tested canard of telling the press that Corbyn would have to go if they lost a hundred seats or more. As a strategy it was both simple and brilliant. There was no way this was going to happen and when only twenty four bit the dust Labour looks like they had done rather well against the odds, despite that they were trounced by the Tories in Scotland and massacred in the south. Ruth Davidson has become a one woman political whirlwind. She has done what I thought was the impossible. And she has halted any thought of referendum for the next five years. The SNP has reached its watershed. It will be a gradual slide down hill from now on.

But back to Mc Bride. What I don’t understand is why Damian is doing it. He is a great writer and broadcaster and had made decent living out of it. He was a true believer in Brown and must despise everything that Corbyn and Milne stand for. All very odd. But keep a very careful eye on the Labour press operation.

I have been trying to fathom what moment of madness caused Osborne and Morgan to launch a plan to academise all schools. It was a bit like realising that rather a lot of people like pink cars and coming up with the wheeze to make it compulsory that all cars will from now on be pink. I always thought the centre piece of Conservative education policy was giving parents choice. This strange aberration was doomed from the start. But surely there must be somebody looking at policy and weeding out the turkeys? Well, if there isn’t there bloody well should be.

Now a man that could do with the services of Spinny McSpinface is Sir Philip Green. As a rule of thumb if you have trousered £400 million out a company whose pension fund is in serious deficit it is not a good idea to bully, threaten and swear at reporters. But if you are being summoned to a Select committee it is a very bad idea to suggest that they are all a bunch of dickheads even if they are. And it is suicidal to attack Frank Field, who has forgotten more about pensions than most experts know and is revered as a cross between Mother Theresa and the Princess of Wales. Now I appreciate that humility and Sir Philip are not natural bedfellows and that he is a self made man who worships his creator. The sort of chap if offered a blow job from a pneumatic nymfette would probably spit out his cigar and bark," but what’s in it for me?". So Phil old son, a word of advice. Ooze deference, humility, remorse and dig very deep into your wallet. However, there is a precedent for dealing with arrogant tossers. It is called contempt of Parliament. The last time this little ceremony happened was when John Junor, editor of the Sunday Express was called to the bar of the House on his knees to purge the contempt of writing that MPs were abusing this petrol rations. As if! Nowadays this is generally regarded as too degrading and humiliating an exercise. I think that we could just make an exception. Sir Philip seems such a nice chap. There are so many ways to skin a prat.

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The more the Brexiteers edge closer to defeat the uglier this unseemly debate becomes. Well ‘debate’ rather glorifies the primal screams of an Orc army in retreat. It’s slash and burn. Not since the Goths invaded Rome have we witnessed such pointless destruction. And Johnson’s sly racism about Obama was about as low and verminous as any Good Ol Boy in the Deep South sipping a mint julep in the nineteen sixties. I really didn’t think that in this day and age a senior Conservative politician could stoop so low. So far the only support he has received came from Nigel Farage. If this hasn’t disqualified him from a Cabinet post I don’t know what will. It was not just personally insulting to our closest ally but it demeaned the Conservative party. It made us look like Trumpian tea partyers. Well, not in my name. That bloody man doesn’t speak for me nor the vast majority of decent Tories. If he wants to turn British politics into some ghastly reality show so be it. But don’t expect people like me to watch it. His comments could be borderline forgivable if they were off the cuff. Oh no, this was just another carefully timed stunt designed to have the maximum impact. Well, he succeeded in that; but not in the way he planned. I imagine that those who were begging him to lead the OUT campaign are beginning to realise that Johnson has become a colossal liability. When are the party faithful going to realise that this grubby little opportunist is not fit for public office of any sort? I dread to think what he will do for an encore. I suspect that in the week before the vote he will launch a deeply personal attack on Cameron. This despicable little man is nothing short of a political pariah and should be treated as such. The sooner he buggers off to UKIP the better. There is no place for him in the Conservative Party anymore.

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The Brexit campaign is getting more bizarre by the day. It is as if the Brextards are living in a parallel universe or bewitched by some mass hallucination. They just ignore the evidence rather than try and counter it. The Treasury produced a 200 page warning that to leave the EU would lead to a reduction in growth. ‘Disgusting…….misleading……biased…..flawed model.’ Ok, but the LSE, IFS, IMF, PWc and the Bank of England come to a similar conclusion. ‘Rubbish’. All the finance ministers of the G20 and every world leader with the exception of Putin warn that there would be dire economic consequences. ‘A conspiracy, they are all in it together’. And as for President Obama? Well, he is a ‘hypocrite’. The CBI and small businesses have warned that there will be job losses. ’That’s not representative of businesses’. So we produce a survey showing that 80% of businesses large and small are against Brexit. ‘Not what they really think’. The NFU warn that farm incomes would plummet. ’That’s not case’. The financial services industry have warned of serious consequences. ‘They would wouldn’t they?………and you can’t trust the banks.’ This list is not exhaustive. But there is a pattern of the Brextards just putting their fingers in their ears and singing la la la la every time an unfavourable piece of evidence is presented.

“Now Mr Gove plees make vourself comfortable on mein couch”.
“Yes, Dr Freud”.
“Now tell me about this giant pink bunny that appears before you”.
" It’s terrible. It’s enormous. It has yellow fangs, horribly sharp claws and tries to eat me. It’s called Juncker. Oh, God it’s here now. Arrgh! Get off you bastard".
“Calm down Mr. Gove there zer is no bunny in zis woom, just you and me”.
“Arrgh, it’s coming for me now. Those fangs, those claws. Help me!!!!!!!!!!”
" Look into mein eyes Mr. Gove. You are sooooo sleepy, sloooo sleepy. When I click mein fingers you will awake and never see zis pink bunny again. Click. Now Mr Gove what do you see now?"
“Arrgh, fuck off you bastard. Oh, God now it’s going for my bollocks”.
“I am so sorry Mr. Gove your delusion is more serious than I thought. I will refer you to one of mein colleagues in Bosnia”.

“Today on Daily politics I have Boris Johnson who yesterday made a speech saying that the world is flat”.
“Only two weeks ago you made a speech saying that the world is round. How do you explain these two contradictory views?”
“Piffle upon waffle, skullduggerydook, BBC bias. No point of being in the bloody circus if you can’t ride two horses at once”.
“But NASA scientists assure us that all the evidence the the world is actually round.”
“Typical American boffindoodledo. Totally out of touch with reality. And this has nothing, repeat, nothing to do with these leftie, commie lies about my quest for flat world domination. Further I did not have sex with that woman. Er, well um, not for a while anyway. Cripes, perhaps yesterday. Why are you asking me all these personal questions? Typical of the British Bolchevic Company. Biased bastards, BBcrookery”.

“This morning on Marr we have Mr Peter Bone a life long creationist who sincerely believes that the earth is a mere four thousand years old. Mr. Bone what evidence do yo have of this?”
“You must be joking. It’s in the bible. It’s common sense. Those fossils of so called dinosaurs millions of year old are fakes put there by the posh, private school elite who don’t give a damn about the horny handed sons of the soil. My constituents agree with me. Not a day goes by without an old lady coming to me in tears saying she can’t take any more of these people telling her that God didn’t make the earth in six days and bunked off for a pint with that nice Mr.Farage down the dog and duck. Anyhow I’m speaking to God all the time. Lovely fellow. Very English”.

“And finally, Nadine Dorries, when did you say that you were abducted by aliens?…………”

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Like Heinz there are all varieties of MPs. Bores (good morning Bill). Sycophantic arse licking nonentities who will sell their granny for a red box (keep trying Messrs Mak and Ellis, one day…..). Good guys ( ah, Mr. Halfon). And insufferable partisan shits. Well, there are a quite a few of those. But I want to welcome a newcomer to that pantheon of shittery. Arise Mr Neil Coyle. Yes, I know, I had to look him up too. It appears that he is the new Labour MP for Southwark. Young Coyle wants to to make a name for himself with the whips. So yesterday he crawled briefly out of the sewer to report John Whittingdale to some Parliamentary watch dog for failing to declare that he took his then partner (the whippy one) on a trip which cost his hosts £534. Good God the wickedness of it. Drum him out. Make him resign. Humiliate him some more. And no doubt Coyle is very pleased with himself. He probably got a paragraph in his local paper. But when he slips into the tea room he would have confirmed his colleagues secret suspicion that he is a bit of a tosser.

Coyle has broken a sacred convention. Don’t attack the good guys of whatever party particularly when they are down on their luck. And Whitto is one of the good guys. He is straightforward, honest, has a great sense of humour and is very clubbable. He also a rather good minister.

When I first heard about the dopey Byline story I asked a number of my old hard, bitten, cynical, journo friends if there was anything in the conspiracy theory. To a man and woman they came to the conclusion that they didn’t give a damn about what Whitto was up to in the bedroom and that the theory that Leveson would be watered down in return for the press burying the slap and tickle story was just the work an over active imagination, sloppy journalism and the eye watering hypocrisy of those precious, pious creeps at Hacked Off. They were right.

And talking about eye watering hypocrisy it’s time to revisit the latest antics of Bozo. He really is becoming as cynical and opportunistic as Trump. It is as if they are morphing into some bottle blond political blancmange.The latest ruse is to promise more money for the health service with the money we will get back from Brussels if we do a runner. Well, it’s not going to be an awful lot. We pay out net £10.6 billion a year which in the grand scheme of things is fairly small. If we were OUT, £3.6 billion would have to be paid to the farmers in agriculture support, grants to hospitals, universities and regional funds would have to be maintained and we haven’t even started thinking about how much we would have to pay for the privilege of remaining in the Single Market. But it is not the economic illiteracy which borders on the laughable, what I find so sickening is the hypocrisy of jumping on board the NHS bandwagon when so many the Brextards are its sworn enemies. That scary little man called Hannan tops the list and Mathew Elliot has even set out a menu of charges. £20 to see the GP, and a daily rate for hospital stays of £20. And as popular with Joe Public as a cup of cold sick.

But Bozo himself is not without form for being an enemy of a free health service. “If NHS services continue to be free in this way they will continue to be abused like any free service”. And, “if people have to pay for them they will value them more”. The problem is that he writes or says anything that he thinks will attract attention and transient popularity. Then some aide points out that it was toxic, untrue, dangerous or barking mad and there is the squeal of breaks and the smell of burning rubber as another U turn is performed. It is then usually followed by a denial, a misunderstanding, a quote out of context or the bias of whatever news outlet caught him out on his latest whopper.

But yesterday something pivotal happened. He was making a speech whereby he claimed that Cameron and chums were the Rattners of the REMAIN argument, in other words crap. Pretty explosive stuff. This sort of comment, if made by a REMAINER would have led to howls of outrage. But it was what happened next that sent a sinister chill down my spine. Bozo spotted the splendid Michael Crick doing a live piece to camera in the hall. Crick is despised by politicians with something to hide because he is so tenacious. The reaction was almost Trumpian. “Shut up. Can someone interrupt Crick at the back there”. And some goon did. At last the mask of jovial bonhomie momentarily slipped and we saw Boris the bully and media basher in Panzer mode. It was as revealing as it was Gothic. I wonder if this is the moment that the media finally falls out of love with him.