Murphy’s Law extended: Huisman’s Laws

Country Roads

Arvid Huisman

huismaniowa@gmail.com

Most everyone knows about Murphy’s Law: “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.” It is the cynical law which supersedes all other cynical laws. After more than a half century of observation I have compiled a list of other cynical laws ̶ all sub-parts of Murphy’s Law.

Here, then, are Huisman’s Laws ̶

THE INVERSE RATE OF ACCELERATION LAW: The rate of acceleration of the vehicle pulling out in front of you will be inversely related to the distance it is from you at the time.

It happens all the time ̶ you’re just yards away from an intersection when a vehicle pulls out from the intersection directly ahead of you. The closer you are when the driver pulls out, the slower he or she will accelerate.

I work hard at controlling my temper which is at its most fragile state in traffic. When someone pulls out in front of me and then plays tortoise every discouraging word I have ever learned is brought up for review.

THE RIGHT TOOL IS SOMEWHERE ELSE LAW: No matter how many tools you own, the right one isn’t handy when you need it.

Over the years, a man accumulates many tools but regardless of how many tools a man collects, and no matter how well he organizes them, the tool he really needs is always somewhere else.

THE PICK ANY LINE LAW: No matter which check-out line you select at your favorite store, it will move more slowly than the others. And if you switch to a faster-moving lane mid-wait, the lane you choose will slow down. It’s a fact.

THE NO MATTER WHERE YOU SIT LAW: Whichever theater seat you pick will be a bad one.

You take in only a few movies or concerts a year, but when you do and you select a seat, the No Matter Where You Sit Law takes effect. No matter where you sit, trouble will sit near you. It may be a couple who carries on a conversation throughout the entire movie or concert. It could be someone who chats on their cellphone during the program. It may be a parent with a kid who has not been trained to associate with humans. Or it might be someone who chomps popcorn like a pig chomps corn. Of course, you could move but no matter where you sit…

THE REMOTE REST AREA LAW: Intestinal distress is most severe at the point most distant from the nearest rest area.

Has it happened to you? You’re tooling down the interstate at 70 miles per hour (well, maybe 75) and you see a rest area sign. No need for that, you think, as you zip past. A few miles down the road, however, you experience abdominal cramps. The pain subsides so you quit worrying and drive on. Then, about the time you are as far as possible from the nearest rest area, the cramps return with a fury. Enough said.

THE RAINING GRAVY LAW: This law is based on the old adage, “If it were raining gravy, I’d be outside with a fork.”

Simply put, some folks seem to never get a break. No matter how hard they work or how hard they try, it seems it only rains gravy for them when they’re outside with a fork instead of a spoon. Most blues musicians have experienced the Raining Gravy Law.

THE IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN LAW: Advance knowledge would make us a millionaire.

This law occurs when you see a 1955 Chevy for sale for $20,000 and you remember the one you let go for $135 on a trade-in in 1966. If I had only known!

THE DAD’S ALWAYS A DORK LAW: It is impossible for a father to be cool when his kids are teenagers. No matter how cool I tried to be around my kids and their friends, I was always a dork. They may not have expressed their opinion openly, but I knew. Fathers know.

Fortunately, kids become less critical of their father’s dorkiness as they grow older. Fathers don’t become less dorky; their children just become more accustomed to the dorkiness.

These are Huisman’s Laws ̶ all sub-parts of Murphy’s Law. They don’t seem fair, but, as your father often asked, “Who said life is always fair?”