#TalkSexuality: Because ‘Sex-ed’ Classes Taught Us Nothing, And Porn Is Only ‘Entertainment’

Talking about the need for Comprehensive Sexuality Education has never been a drawing room discussion. While most people avoid bringing up anything remotely related to sex, the conversation past that, one that engages with sexuality and more, has always found itself buried beneath whispers. Carrying the weight of taboos but dismantling them for an all-inclusive conversation is what #TalkSexuality aimed to do. Out of the closets and out in the world, things that were taboo were put up for discussion, and the lessons learnt, shared and absorbed were many. And now that the conversation has begun, we intend to keep it going a bit longer because we must, lest ignorance gets us all.
So just to quickly round up what Phase I of #TalkSexuality (January-March, 2015) reminded us of:

1. The ‘Sex-Ed’ Classes Taught Us Nothing. Zilch.

Because really, sexuality is NOT the same as sex!

One look at the syllabus regarding human reproduction in the textbooks of 8th or 10th grade will tell you that the aim of such education is meant to propagate the dominant picture of heteronormative sex stressing the sole dimension of procreation. The problem here is that the students do not get to think about the other dimensions of sexuality, which are subjective, fun and free from taboo. Such limited, theoretical lectures would hardly prepare students who are beginning to become curious about sexuality to have the correct information that enables them to make informed and responsible decisions regarding their sexual lives. They deserve to learn and have spaces to talk about and discuss these issues, free from frightening myths and feelings of guilt and shame.

Pleasure for women so often comes with the baggage of shame, which further dictates the categorical dichotomy of women as the ‘mother’ or the ‘whore’. A woman who enjoys her sexuality and is able to talk about it would be too scandalous for some people, inviting labels like ‘slut’, which in turn reinforces the stereotype of female desire being ‘abnormal’. To think that so many women deny themselves the relief of sexual satisfaction due to the guilt of desiring it is terrible! Furthermore, considering masturbation as merely a substitute for sex, is a gross undermining of the powers of human sexual capability. Of course, society is skeptical and mostly dismissive when it comes to sexual enjoyment removed from the process of procreation, for people of all genders, but never in equal measure. Exploring one’s body without having to deal with the guilt can only be possible if we learn that what we experience is not ‘wrong’.

3. That ‘Sexpert’ Columns Should Not Be The Only Options Left For Our Deepest, Most Intimate Doubts

While a medium that exists as a weekly column in the newspaper or a forum on the internet at least creates a space for conversations on sexuality, the lack of information reflected on the these media clearly highlights the fact that sexuality education is indeed required to join the dots. Information alone is not enough. Sexuality needs to be celebrated and spoken of without shame. The education around it needs to be relevant to emotional and social development of individuals and their relationships.

4. Believe It Or Not, Folks, Porn, For All Its Pleasures, Is Not Reality. It’s Entertainment

Growing up, turning to porn as a source of information is a likely story for many of us. We have few platforms to discuss sexuality in India, least of all with teenagers. This is a country where a majority of schools don’t have ‘sex education’ classes. Even in classrooms, students’ natural curiosities are shut down with either avoidance or curt responses by teachers. Ultimately, we are failing our young generation by leaving them to uncover such information covertly. Porn for all its pleasures, is not reality. It’s entertainment. Using it for education about sexuality is like looking at Dabangg for information about the Indian police force! And if our young men traipse around and expect a woman saying no to actually mean ‘yes’, it’s because we have left all the edifying to videos with titles like ‘Indian aunty hot sex’.

5. That The Endless Search For ‘Ideal’ And ‘Desirable’ Bodies Needs To End. Now.

What is most amazing about body image, as is with most socially constructed prisons, is that it is arbitrary. Body image is contingent on the standards that are set in a particular time and space and are susceptible to change. The absence of sex-positive and body-positive education runs the risk of giving rise or contributing to feelings of inadequacy, frustration, low self-esteem and confidence, anxiety in many people, especially young people. Including body positivism within sexuality education will help address such feelings as young people would be urged to think about the politics behind ‘body image’ and will be more informed regarding how to perceive and tackle this issue.

From strict control over mobility during ‘that time of the month‘ to being frowned upon on the mere suggestion of washing hair on the first two days of the menstrual cycle, to avoiding sour or spicy food and not touching pickles – menstrual taboos are a dime a dozen. When asked the reason behind this, many girls are heavily reprimanded for apparently disrespecting elders in the house.

All that these restrictions create shame and resentment towards one’s own bodily processes. The overall silence in the society around these menstruation myths makes matters worse. Menstruation itself is regarded as a ‘dirty’ event in a woman’s life and becomes the ‘worst kept secret’.

7. That Consent Is Not A Grey Area. ‘No’ Means Back Off!

Consent is not something that is spoken to us actively. In urban India, among friends during our adolescence, we may discuss ‘how far’ should one go, at ‘what age’ and with ‘whom’. Our discussions are based on random notions of how a certain ‘base’ was alright for a certain age, and if anyone ‘crossed that line’, or experienced less than that, they would find themselves the subjects of whispers and rumors and became either ‘bad’ or ‘uncool’ people. The biggest worry that emerges is negotiating with one’s partner. There need to be conversations around the fact that consent to kiss is not consent for sexual intercourse, that verbal and physical resistance is a ‘no’. That only ‘yes’ means ‘yes’ and ‘no’ means ‘no’.

Conversations that empower, enable and make one aware is what #TalkSexuality is about. In the first phase of the campaign, over 8,000 people took the poll on whether Comprehensive Sexuality Education should be available to young people. So let’s carry on the conversation, you and me, us and them, today and tomorrow.

Watch out for Phase II of #TalkSexuality which will bring forth some more young voices and also voices of professionals working in the field of CSE and/or sexual and reproductive health and rights.

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