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Sad, Bittersweet Smile Of A Grieving Mother….

Sad, Bittersweet Smile Of A Grieving Mother…

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee

Son, one day when I have to go, be here no more
I don’t want you to have to feel pain… grieve for me
Everything’s going to be alrightI want you to be prepared … just in case
It’s the way life is… parents go before the child
I want to tell you how to remember me, Son

Each night you see the moon, stars… I want you to know
That I’m up there, shining down on you with love
Know that I’m close by, always loving you… I told my son

See me in the happy colors you encounter in life
In a field of flowers… beautiful colored fabrics, paints
When the sunshine warms you… feel my love

When a soft breeze ruffles your blonde-strawberry, wavy hair
It’s me … ruffling it just as I did when you were a little boy
Close your eyes, feel your mama hug you, Son

I always thought I’d go first… that’s the way it’s supposed to be
Parents aren’t supposed to outlive their children
Feel the grief of losing a child, a life they brought into the world

I have been through many close calls, being very ill
I wanted my son to always know if I should go away
To be prepared for it… hoping he wouldn’t have to feel pain

That everything would be alright… it’s the way life can be
To have a special way of remembering his mama
To know, have a way to feel his mother’s love

Like pennies dropped from heaven… rice in unexpected places
Letting one know it’s the special way for a loved one
To reach out from the other side to say… I love you

The strange thing is that I prepared my son
We didn’t prepare … me … for the day he went away
The day he went away… forever

Children aren’t supposed to die before their parents
My only child… my son died before me, his mother
Left me here to grieve for him… it wasn’t supposed to be that way

How did he say to remember him if he should go away first?
I keep asking myself that question, only to remember
Remember that we never discussed that… I knew I’d go first

I sit here with my memories, photos of my son
Photos of his children… all have gone away
As if… they never existed … sometimes, life can be that way

At this moment I grieve for him, but… I can’t cry
My tears have all cried out… until there are no more
So, all I can do… is sit here… smile my sad, bittersweet smile

Let the pain flow from my heart into my fingertips
Spill out words like the stormy ocean during a storm
Swirling around… waves crashing until… calming down

It happened again… I promised to share
Tell you about grief when it happened
Now… everything is alright once again … please don’t say a word

Grief, pain is what I know best… this is what I write
Don’t feel sorry for me… I’m very strong
It’s been a long journey… I didn’t know I would… but, I survived

This is the very last photo of Tommy on May 29, 2010 …. just a short time before he died that fateful evening. He made it to Myrtle Beach for a family vacation … unexpectedly, left on another journey … he never came back from.

The poem below, I wrote sometime ago … I just read it once more … added it to my collection of poems, stories on a poetry site … I am sharing it here.

Who would have ever thought when Tommy went on vacation … arrive safely, much to my relief … to leave unexpectedly on another journey … who would have thought? Just moments, after he did what he wanted most to do … play with his little son, Taban … on the beach.