Many years ago, when my husband was going through a depression, we found talking about it was the best medicine. It was after talking to people who had gone through the depression that he was able to turn his life around (no it didn't mean he left me), but by building houses was what he did, that he was able to take care of himself.

Now that he is gone,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I am having trouble with what I think is depression. I lost him 2 years ago after 46 years. It wasn't the best relationship towards the end............but we still did love each other. I feel our two children feel that possibly the wrong one left first. I have guilt about not recognizing that he was near his end when he went. Perhaps that is what is playing on me. Also, the children don'tknow what went on between us near the end. He was very critical with me to the point I wished him dead, and I ended up with heart disease. Near the end he was leaning on someone unknown to me ( I suspect). This also could be playing on my mind.

I have too many negative thoughts going through my head at this point. I just want to pick up and move to an isolated island in Ireland, and be left to my own divices.

Has anyone gone through these feeling after losing a loved one? I hope being able to put these thoughts down in print will help me heal myself

Hi Babr, I agree with atedogs in that perhaps you should seek counseling. I cant speak for others marriages but in my own I often thought dark thoughts about my husband when we were angry with each other. At that time though I wasn't able to communicate my feelings to him and had let a lot of things build up. I think this is just human nature and very rarely will you be able to be with someone for so long and not wish them dead once in a while or thinking that you hate them in the heat of the moment. It certainly doesn't mean that you are a bad person or that you caused whatever happened to him. Or that you would ever really what anything bad to happen to him. Guilt and regrets are terrible things to have to live with and carry around with you. Counseling would hopefully help you to heal and learn how to deal with all these negative feelings and thoughts that you have.

Thank you both for you words of wisdom and sympathy. You are right................I can't go on beating my self up for the past. I too kept things pent up when we had some angry words. It was much easier then to feed the argument with my feedback on the issues on hand. I am going to try to cope with these negative feelings, but if I should get too frequently, then I think I will seek some help. Again thank you for your kind words. Babr

Denton, what you say makes sense to me. The brain can play you many tricks, and I didn't think of this one. Thank you for common sense view of my problem. I think I am feeling much better. It really helps to talk about it, it clears your head little. A letter to myself could have done the same effect, but I would not have you kind people to help me out of this funk I am in.