Spring has officially sprung, and its time to hit the garden for some quality time with the Earth! Let Egg Tree News guide you through the gardening experience with the following helpful tips:

1. First things first: you MUST conquer the jungle of weeds in your backyard before preparing the land for planting. To accomplish this, you will need a couple grenades, and a Rambo costume. Stretch thoroughly to prevent injury, then sweat something fierce as you take a machete and shovel to anything the grenades didn’t wipe out.

2. Proper soil is essential for happy plants, so invest in a quality, nutrient rich mix. Before adding the mix, prepare the ground by spraying it with a hose and breaking up tough soil with a shovel. And just for $hits and giggles, blast the hose in your spouse’s face.

3. Some horticulture guy said once that the Earth laughs with flowers. So if you enjoy being the object of ridicule, plant flowers all around your home. Whenever they bloom, you’ll know that the Earth finds your life hysterical.

4. Snails are bastards of the worst variety. Rather than let them feast on your plants without compensation for your services, lure those ravenous slugs to their deaths with a cunning pie tin of beer. Then polish off the rest of that 12-pack while watching the neighborhood squirrels get drunk off your snail beer.

Spring has arrived, and its time to clean that petri dish of germs you call a house! If you’re overwhelmed by the giant dustball tumbling through your kitchen, or the accidental science experiment growing in your bathroom, you’ve come to the right place. Egg Tree News will help you tackle those tough cleaning problems, to get your place sparkling clean in no time!

1. Set aside a block of time to get all your cleaning done. If there are visible waves of funk humming off your house, you’ll probably need to devote an entire week of your life to vanquishing them. Better call out sick from work. To really get into battle mode, invest in a hazmat suit. (Editor’s note: a Darth Vader or Storm Trooper costume can be substituted if a hazmat suit is not available).

2. Snow White had the right idea: whistle while you work. If you do not feel like working, but still long to whistle, hire seven kindhearted midgets to pick up your $hit as you whistle on the couch while watching Extreme Home Makeover.

3. It is common knowledge that your kitchen sink is filthier than your toilet bowl. So until you have thoroughly scrubbed the sink clean, wash all dishes in the toilet.

4. If your dog has carelessly strewn his mangy winter coat all over your carpet, and topped it off with a sprinkling of dandruff, then its time to bust out the vaccum from the Tomb of Unknown Cleaning Supplies. Dust the cobwebs off the old Hoover, familiarize yourself with the various settings and attachments, and watch in amazement as the fur maintains a death grip on your rug. Then just throw out the rug, and shave your dog.

5. Make sure to pull out all furniture, and thoroughly sweep dirt into an enormous ball in the middle of the room, making one giant dust bunny. To make cleaning time fun, let the kids name it before dumping it in the trash. (Editor’s note: avoid turning on overhead fans until you have properly disposed of the beloved pet dust bunny).

7. If cleanliness is next to Godliness, your bathroom is offensive to all things sacred. Do a controlled burn of that room, and start over from scratch.

8. Powerwash the exterior of your house to remove dirt, grime, and debris that has collected over the winter months. If you do not have a powerwasher, use your kids’ Super Soaker. If a Super Soaker is not available, a water pistol can be substituted (provided time is not a factor for you).

9. It is abnormal for your refrigerator to reek of dirty feet, or to shake and rattle on its own. If an angry monster screams “Zool” when you open the door, then you should call Ghostbusters. I cannot help you with that.

10. Still ready to faint at the thought of cleaning your house? Don’t stress out. Call a maid service, and meditate as they vaccum and dust around you.