Just a few musings of mine, while I am on this road known as life. Knowing without a doubt that the road ends in heaven, with my Jesus!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

CAN I BE MYSELF?

Can I? I guess the answer to that question is "yes, once I know who I am". I am a daughter of the King of kings. But do I truly know that? If I know that to be true, why am I not able to tell most people my true feelings, my true thoughts, my true dreams? Why do I feel that if anyone knew the true me, they surely wouldn't like me, would look down their nose at me and judge me? Why am I afraid that if someone knew what I had done in my past, then they would walk away from me? Why do I have this mask?

And why do I let myself get to the point of hurting so bad, that the only way to "fix" it is to walk away from the one who I believe has hurt me? I would rather not have any further contact with that person than face them and say "I am hurt." And yes, I know it doesn't fix it, it only puts it on a shelf to raise its ugly head at a later time. And besides, most people today don't care whether or not they have hurt you.

And why does it still affect me so deeply, the things that have been done to me? The things I allowed to be done to me?! The things I have done to me? And why does it matter? Why do I allow these things to make me stiff, unable to have a good time?

And why do I keep running into articles, posts by friends and email daily devotions that talk about telling the secrets and not letting them control me any longer? And about cleaning house, metaphorically speaking, and not just throwing the stuff into another room and closing the door? And ones that say it's OK to dream and that I am only hurting myself...and God...if I walk away from my dreams?

And why am I afraid to crawl upon my Daddy's lap and cry on His shoulder? And to tell Him my dreams and what I desire. Doesn't He know already? Why I am afraid? Because I don't trust Him enough to be there for me and to not walk away, or throw me away, like most everyone else has. Rejection. The core. I need to look at that. Because my Daddy will not reject me. I just want to be myself.