This Week's Leaders in Food and Cakes

I HATE a groomsman's girlfriend

Re: I HATE a groomsman's girlfriend

We have to have our phones on, because that is how we receive our pages; we live in a rural area, and this is the best that they can accomplish. He doesn't answer the phone on calls, but does once we're done with them. I've had a discussion with him about his behavior. Unfortunately, it was also during the same discussion that turned into a fight. He's gotten a lot better about it since then though. And even though he has asked her not to text or call him while he is on shift, she does it anyway. I want to get along with her so badly, but I just can't anymore.

She can text all day, but he doesn't have to respond.

True story. He can use the DND option. He can put her texts messages/calls on silent. Is it going to be hard in the beginning? Sure, but she will get use to him not being able to contact her during shifts after a while. If she can't, then she is not the one for him.

I go some 12 hours without talking to my husband at work. NBD. I don't see him most nights for dinner. Again, NBD. The reason it took so long for him to get married is because most women are not happy with this arrangement.

What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.

We have to have our phones on, because that is how we receive our pages; we live in a rural area, and this is the best that they can accomplish. He doesn't answer the phone on calls, but does once we're done with them. I've had a discussion with him about his behavior. Unfortunately, it was also during the same discussion that turned into a fight. He's gotten a lot better about it since then though. And even though he has asked her not to text or call him while he is on shift, she does it anyway. I want to get along with her so badly, but I just can't anymore.

Considering what you all do for a living, I'm more concerned with your friend's job security and other people's lives. I'm glad the situation has at least improved, but still.

If my SO was constantly bothering me at work with minutia after I told them not to, they would quickly find themselves totally blocked during my working hours. And I work an office job where nobody would potentially die, if I make a mistake. Sadly, it sounds like your friend needs to water his backbone so it can grow bigger and stronger. But that's something he needs to discover for himself.

So my fiance originally told me that he didn't want attendants. I was fine with it, but now he wants groomsmen. I compromised and said yes, but he wants our EMS partner as a groomsman, which I said was fine; we both volunteer with a local rescue squad, which runs emergency medical services calls.

I told him that I have no intention of inviting our partner's girlfriend; I absolutely LOATHE her. She is exceedingly insecure, and very immature. I am friends with both
of them on FB, and she had the nerve to message me, and fuss at me for
tagging him in things. Nothing of which was EVER inappropriate. So I
have since respected her wishes. But we were on shift one night, and he told us of how she had been fussing at him the entire time because he was on shift instead of spending time with her. I kid you not, she wanted him to resign his position on the rescue squad because it took time away from her!

...

I think one thing that is lost here is that this is a volunteer position and not paid. Presumably, he has another job that he goes to that pays the bills and then volunteers with the local rescue squad around his paid work schedule.

I have to be honest with you - I volunteer. A lot. None of it pays my bills so I still have to do at least 40 hours a week at a job that pays what the loan company wants. My fiance and I have regular conversations where he asks me to slow down, quit this, not volunteer for that etc. because it takes time away from him. So yeah, I believe that she has asked him to reconsider his priorities if they are getting in the way of their relationship.

She sounds awful, but tbh, you aren't making the situation better. Steer clear of her, don't get dragged into their drama, and invite her to the wedding (regardless of groomsman status). If you don't invite her to the wedding, be prepared to lose this friend forever.

We have to have our phones on, because that is how we receive our pages; we live in a rural area, and this is the best that they can accomplish. He doesn't answer the phone on calls, but does once we're done with them. I've had a discussion with him about his behavior. Unfortunately, it was also during the same discussion that turned into a fight. He's gotten a lot better about it since then though. And even though he has asked her not to text or call him while he is on shift, she does it anyway. I want to get along with her so badly, but I just can't anymore.

He needs to go full no contact with her during shifts, or he needs to get a 2nd phone used only for EMT shifts so he can just turn his personal phone off completely.

He also needs to accept that his GF will throw a hissy when he doesn't respond, and then stop responding and stop giving any fucks when she throws the hissy.

"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."

Everyone involved is being immature. I promise that excluding the gf from the wedding won't make her any less jealous or insecure.

I'm also surprised to hear about EMTs having so much time on their hands! H is a firefighter (w/ FDNY, so not rural)...sometimes I go his entire 34-hr shift with not much more than a few "love you" texts. Your partner has to get his head in the game...his volunteer position isn't a joke.

Everyone involved is being immature. I promise that excluding the gf from the wedding won't make her any less jealous or insecure.

I'm also surprised to hear about EMTs having so much time on their hands! H is a firefighter (w/ FDNY, so not rural)...sometimes I go his entire 34-hr shift with not much more than a few "love you" texts. Your partner has to get his head in the game...his volunteer position isn't a joke.

edit: I meant 24 hour shift

Yeah, I think it's clear she isn't a good fit for someone who can't be reached 24/7.

Sadly, he is the one who has to figure that out for himself. Or quit the EMT gig.

Not that it's a good excuse for the OP to exclude her.

What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.

I am actually his superior yes. I have talked to him about it, but he gets upset. If I see him constantly on his phone, or getting numerous calls, I usually ask him if everything is alright. I try not to always assume that she is the reason; he's had a lot of family health issues lately with his parents and an uncle. He's been volunteering longer than she's been with him, and he doesn't volunteer more than a total of 24 hours a month; 3 8-hour shifts. He works part time, and is in EMT school. So I understand that she may not get a lot of time with him, but she chose to be with him. I'm upset with both of them.

Regardless, I already said that I'm going to invite her, so no need for all of the nasty replies.

I am actually his superior yes. I have talked to him about it, but he gets upset. If I see him constantly on his phone, or getting numerous calls, I usually ask him if everything is alright. I try not to always assume that she is the reason; he's had a lot of family health issues lately with his parents and an uncle. He's been volunteering longer than she's been with him, and he doesn't volunteer more than a total of 24 hours a month; 3 8-hour shifts. He works part time, and is in EMT school. So I understand that she may not get a lot of time with him, but she chose to be with him. I'm upset with both of them.

Regardless, I already said that I'm going to invite her, so no need for all of the nasty replies.

I haven't seen any nasty replies.

To the bolded - I don't think you understand that she may not have a lot of time with him. If you did understand that, you wouldn't automatically dismiss her feelings by saying that she "chose" to be with him. My fiance chose to be with me even though I volunteer a million hours. Just because he chose to be with me, doesn't mean he doesn't get to talk to me about the things I do that make him feel less important. It doesn't mean that I don't act selfish and selfless at the same time by leaving him to help someone else.

I know you don't like this woman, but try to maintain some type to empathy for her. She is clearly your "bitch eating crackers" right now. Meaning, she will never do anything right. You hate her so much, she won't even eat crackers the right way. Try to check that level of anger - it must be exhausting.

She does sound like a piece of work but I am glad you now understand that, yes you have to invite her.

And yes it'd be distasteful to ask for an apology (for being an insecure annoying teenager?) in exchange for the invitation.

And yes it'd be acceptable for you to ask anyone who causes trouble at your event to leave, but it'd be much better to have venue staff or security hired to do so. You don't want to have to spend the night monitoring everyone's behaviour and inserting yourself into a ruckus, should one arise. Leave it to the pros and carry on enjoying yourself.

She does sound like a piece of work but I am glad you now understand that, yes you have to invite her.

And yes it'd be distasteful to ask for an apology (for being an insecure annoying teenager?) in exchange for the invitation.

And yes it'd be acceptable for you to ask anyone who causes trouble at your event to leave, but it'd be much better to have venue staff or security hired to do so. You don't want to have to spend the night monitoring everyone's behaviour and inserting yourself into a ruckus, should one arise. Leave it to the pros and carry on enjoying yourself.

OP, asking for a sincere apology in exchange for a wedding invitation will not get you a sincere apology. You'll either get a half-assed apology such as "I'm sorry you're so oversensitive about my relationship with partner," accompanied by eye rolls, or worse. I've raised three teenagers so I know you're fighting a losing battle on that one. Just be polite to her.

On the second point, what exactly do you think the GF is going to do at your wedding? If she acts up, she will look bad. If you engage her, you will look bad, too. I pause to remember those old Bridezilla shows where the brides get into fisticuffs with their guests. That's not your style, right? If she needs to be removed from your wedding, let the people you have hired ask her to leave. Please keep in mind that means your friend/partner will also have to leave. Decide wisely because this will impact your relationship with him.

This is all so ridiculous. OP, you want to throw some shade, but you are honestly just as prone to drama as the gf. You are in patient care. If patient care is being affected and you have spoken to your coworker/friend about it without resolution, then you go up the chain of command. If coworker cannot find the strength within himself to put gf on DND mode or to stay off the phone, that's not a gf issue, that's his own problem. Volunteer or not, you profess to care about patient lives, so do the appropriate thing. I'm in patient care too. There are times I don't get to look at my phone for 14 hours. Sometimes I don't even have time for my breaks. If SO had a problem with it, I a) would have shut that shit down right away or b) would have moved on from the relationship.

You're not receiving "nasty answers." You are acting petty. You are inserting yourself into drama that is none of your business. If you have a professional problem, you bring it up the chain of command. You invite the SO by name to the wedding, and you act politely, say hi for 90 seconds on the day of, and then move on. You are professing to act like an adult, but you seem very immature as well. And for the love of god, do not require or ask for an apology.

I am actually his superior yes. I have talked to him about it, but he gets upset. If I see him constantly on his phone, or getting numerous calls, I usually ask him if everything is alright. I try not to always assume that she is the reason; he's had a lot of family health issues lately with his parents and an uncle. He's been volunteering longer than she's been with him, and he doesn't volunteer more than a total of 24 hours a month; 3 8-hour shifts. He works part time, and is in EMT school. So I understand that she may not get a lot of time with him, but she chose to be with him. I'm upset with both of them.

Regardless, I already said that I'm going to invite her, so no need for all of the nasty replies.

I asked the boss question, and my post was not a all nasty.

Honestly, I don't know what to do about the calls. It is extremely hard, I'd say impossible, for supervisors to be good friends with their subordinates. Because often, something like this happens where the supervisor needs to reprimand their friend the subordinate. It sounds to me if he's on his phone too much, he needs to be no longer called, essentially fired, or at least told if it continues, he will no longer be asked to volunteer, and that will probably ruin the friendship.

Oh yikes- you're his line manager and you kicked off about his partner with personal attacks? You are creating a hostile work environment and you need to thread a very fine line. Again, you need to learn the difference between professional and personal discussions. You need to speak to him about his behaviour with tangible instructions to improve, i.e.: No personal calls at work.

I can't imagine my H's boss demanding I apologise to her for something that was clearly between my H and I in order to get an invitation to a party. That is just so toxic.

I didn't mean you in the nasty comments part. That was for the other people who are only arguing with me.

People are arguing with you because you seem so determined to go against etiquette. Unless this woman has literally assaulted you or your fiancé, you have to invite her by name on the groomsman's invitation. I'm wondering how old you are, that you are being this petty about one person you only have to talk to long enough to say "thank you for coming," and can otherwise ignore.

I am actually his superior yes. I have talked to him about it, but he gets upset. If I see him constantly on his phone, or getting numerous calls, I usually ask him if everything is alright. I try not to always assume that she is the reason; he's had a lot of family health issues lately with his parents and an uncle. He's been volunteering longer than she's been with him, and he doesn't volunteer more than a total of 24 hours a month; 3 8-hour shifts. He works part time, and is in EMT school. So I understand that she may not get a lot of time with him, but she chose to be with him. I'm upset with both of them.

Regardless, I already said that I'm going to invite her, so no need for all of the nasty replies.

You still seem so focused on HER and not on HIM. He chooses to be with her. This is 100% a problem with your male friend/coworker and has absolutely nothing to do with his girlfriend.

It's his behavior that's bothering you. He's checking his phone constantly. He's talking on the phone constantly. He could choose otherwise--blocking her on the phone when he's at work, breaking up with her, etc. But he's not. He chose her, he chose his actions, he's responsible for his actions.

I am actually his superior yes. I have talked to him about it, but he gets upset. If I see him constantly on his phone, or getting numerous calls, I usually ask him if everything is alright. I try not to always assume that she is the reason; he's had a lot of family health issues lately with his parents and an uncle. He's been volunteering longer than she's been with him, and he doesn't volunteer more than a total of 24 hours a month; 3 8-hour shifts. He works part time, and is in EMT school. So I understand that she may not get a lot of time with him, but she chose to be with him. I'm upset with both of them.

Regardless, I already said that I'm going to invite her, so no need for all of the nasty replies.

You still seem so focused on HER and not on HIM. He chooses to be with her. This is 100% a problem with your male friend/coworker and has absolutely nothing to do with his girlfriend.

It's his behavior that's bothering you. He's checking his phone constantly. He's talking on the phone constantly. He could choose otherwise--blocking her on the phone when he's at work, breaking up with her, etc. But he's not. He chose her, he chose his actions, he's responsible for his actions.

I am actually his superior yes. I have talked to him about it, but he gets upset. If I see him constantly on his phone, or getting numerous calls, I usually ask him if everything is alright. I try not to always assume that she is the reason; he's had a lot of family health issues lately with his parents and an uncle. He's been volunteering longer than she's been with him, and he doesn't volunteer more than a total of 24 hours a month; 3 8-hour shifts. He works part time, and is in EMT school. So I understand that she may not get a lot of time with him, but she chose to be with him. I'm upset with both of them.

Regardless, I already said that I'm going to invite her, so no need for all of the nasty replies.

You still seem so focused on HER and not on HIM. He chooses to be with her. This is 100% a problem with your male friend/coworker and has absolutely nothing to do with his girlfriend.

It's his behavior that's bothering you. He's checking his phone constantly. He's talking on the phone constantly. He could choose otherwise--blocking her on the phone when he's at work, breaking up with her, etc. But he's not. He chose her, he chose his actions, he's responsible for his actions.

Everything @mandymost said is true. Does the girlfriend have his mother locked in a basement and will kill her if he doesn't answer his phone at every ring? No? Then the girlfriend is not making him do anything. He does it of his own volition.

So here's a personal anecdote. I invited someone I greatly disliked to my wedding. They lived near the venue and were longtime family friends and probably would be insulted if they weren't invited. I knew the right thing to do was invite them, and my mom said I should (and they paid for most of the wedding) and it wasn't a hill to die on. I saw them for exactly one minute at the wedding. I shook hands with the guy, hugged his wife, smiled politely and then they moved on through the receiving line.

I now have THE BEST photo of me that the photog snapped of her talking to my mom and me with the fakest polite look ever on my face. It's pretty funny to look at now. I survived. She did not ruin the wedding. She's actually dead now (she was 83 at the wedding) and I will never see her again.