Eat, Drink and be heavy

Nowadays there is a new revolution sweeping the slimmers of the world. “Slimmers of the world unite, you have nothing to lose but your calories” is the clarion call of this revolution. This revolution is the No-Carbohydrates-all Protein diet which promises to take people who are fat enough to alter global weather patterns (now you know what causes those swirling white patterns on the weather news) and to turn them in to all muscle no fat no nonsense people, who would look like those cool, confident, macho, muscular hunks (e.g. Serena Williams) . Leading the way is what is called Atkins diet.

What has happened to all the people ? Whatever happened to enjoying one’s meal, I will never know. In the good old days, you never bothered about carbohydrates or phosphates or vertebrates. You just ate. Especially if you were served dinner by my Grandmom, who must have been convinced by some professional witchdoctors that any food that was visible on the dinner table after 9 PM must be emptied in my guts. Call in the CRPF if you want to but she made sure that the last person (i.e. the Author) on the table finished off whatever was left on the table. The Phondke family dinners were needless to say very brief affairs even accounting for the time spent by me in the Gastroenterologists waiting room. If I had told me granny, that carbohydrates are bad for me , she would have laughed like a hysterical Lalita Pawar and would have still used a funnel against my mouth to tilt the table into. That was my Granny, come Carbohydrates or Proteins, she knew her priorities. The point being meals were to be enjoyed for the taste.

Bollywood too has set some really unrealistic expectations of human pulchritude. What happened to the old days when we had heroines like Asha Parekh and Mumtaz. I think Shammi Kapoors and Joy Mukherjees should have been honoured with Presidential gold medals , if not for anything than atleast for cycling double seat uphill while humming songs , an activity which should be made mandatory for the Indian Cricket teams’ fitness trials. But gone are those days. So instead of our plain Janardhans appearing on screen, even the guys who appear holding a glass in the backdrop while the Hero sings solo on a Piano with his fingers playing a random tune which if actually played would scare away the most tenacious of bacteria, look picture perfect. A bit too perfect…..everyone seems to have been carefully sculpted and calibrated by Plastic surgeons, Dieticians, Gym instructors , Beauticians, Hair dressers etc. So you have these perfect people , dressed in their perfect clothes walking around in their perfect worlds, where Rice is a controlled substance and eating Icecream is punishable by lethal injection (except in West Bengal where they have to sit through Politburo meetings).

I am all for healthy eating but overdoing it is one thing. I am yet to meet a person who hates Ice cream or Rassogollas or Chocolates. The same goes for Rice or Chapatis. But since these are Carbohydrate based, our new age fitness funtooshes have given them the heave ho and survive on boiled vegetables, steamed meat and fruits which give them the happiness levels of the man who can move his bowels only once a year. I strongly disagree with all this tiddly-taddly diet advice.

My theory is this, unlike A K Hangal (who I swear is around since 1639) you have one life. Eat healthy, drink merrily and enjoy it. It is impossible to make your life perfect (though Michael Schumacher has come pretty close) or fool proof. So why make it worse ? By all means eat healthy, greens, Tofu etc but never forget the Beer.

DISCLAIMER : Views expressed above are the author's own.

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Author

Rahul Phondke has been a prolific writer of humour columns since his childhood days which ended sometime last year. People are still wondering how this happened. He turned to writing humour at an early age in an effort to find some meaning to the angst of life, which he found almost immediately after his first two cans of beer. Based in Singapore, he is extremely sought after by the locals ...unfortunately most of whom happen to be the police. He is an active member on Facebook and can be easily reached...unless he happens to owe you money.

Rahul Phondke has been a prolific writer of humour columns since his childhood days which ended sometime last year. People are still wondering how this happ. . .