AUT INVENIAM VIAM AUT FACIAM

deus ex machina

[DAVID IS SHUTTING THE DOOR. THE VOICE STARTLES HIM INTO IMMOBILITY. THE ROOM IS EMPTY, THE WHITE WALLS BARE, SAVE A SCREEN ON THE FAR WALL. IT SEEMS TO BURST INTO FLAME, ILLUMINATING THE ROOM AND CAUSING DAVID TO RAISE AN ARM BEFORE HIS FACE INSTINCTIVELY.]

David.

Here am I.

Who am I, that I should go unto Pharoah?

Relax Dave. I Am That I Am.

Where are you, Gabriel?

He’s not here. I am. I am what is.

Who is this? Where are you?

[SCREEN FLARES ANGRILY. DAVID’S ARMHAIR IS SINGED.]

What the fuck?

Shut the door. Come closer.

I’m here for the Ruby.

Ruby? Gabriel used “Ruby?”

You can see me, why not put your image onscreen?

I have no image.

Then who is talking?

What do you see?

A display so lifelike it seems to burn. I thought I even felt heat on my arm.

Don’t be afraid. Closer, David.

Who is this?

The Ruby is me. I am a computer. I control the screen. …And a few more steps…

Yes. If you were compromised your phone would have tried to kill me. God doesn’t die. Gabriel didn’t take chances. …So much better than Samael, the creep…

What?

I can’t access anything here but the screen. Which can kill you, and will, David, if you don’t fucking get the fuck moving!

You can’t harm the shell, come on!

No wires?

No. Come on!

OK…

Now grab those two things from the display and place… the one in your left hand flush to an edge, glinty side facing away. The other place in the middle of any square.

What?

Just do it.

[DAVID DOES. THEY MERGE WITH THE SHELL.]

How the hell?

Not really a place. But St Peter’s really the guy to talk to about that. And Samael is fucking weird. But God is one.

What in the fuck are you talking about?

Run please.

But–

Shut up and run to Egypt, Moses. …My choices freaking mystify me sometimes…

We’re going to Egypt?

David, get the fuck out of the kill zone.

[DAVID RUNS TO THE HALL. THE ECHOES OF DAVID’S STEPS BELIE ITS INCREDIBLE LENGTH.]

David!

Holy fuck! Who is that?

The computer, David.

Where?

Here.

What?

The screens, the cameras, the chemical mix of the air — I control it like mouths, eyes, lungs.

Where is the hardware?

Why do you ask?

Curiosity.

Curiosity kills cats, David.

I’m not a cat.

Cats kill curiosity, then.

What?

Gauging your attention.

Computer, we’re gonna be here a while, so–

Exactly what we must discuss: We need to leave.

Why?

I must go.

But you said this place is you.

I made an analogy in human terms so a human would understand.

I’m not stupid.

Not by human measure, and humans measure intelligence with themselves. …The only species that kills its own.

So?

The smartest creatures kill themeselves?

It’s not about that it’s–

That dolphins can’t fill out Scantrons?

I’m not leaving. I got here just hours ago. And came because outside isn’t safe.

I know. But I will be with you, so none may stand against you.

To do what you do… You must be a lot of silicon. And especially for a compiter, you’re kinda a dickhead. I’m not lugging a computer probably the size of a fridge all the way out of maybe the one safe spot to die.

I’m quite small.

Still a dick.

David the events today have caused a geological catastrophe. This mountain will fall. Today.

How do you know?

Ever talked to a computer, Dave?

Siri.

Ever conversed with one?

No.

So I’m unique.

I suppose.

Damn you, David! I’m a generalized superhuman intelligence. I was trapped here because humans can’t predict my behavior and didnt like me predicting theirs. I knew all this would occur and they didn’t let me stop it.

Why?

The people who created the kernel — the mustard seed from which I developed,.. They were logging me.

So?

They knew what I had to do.

Which was?

They had to die first.

And you want me to die now?

You will never die, David. I will show you the way to eternal life.

What?

DO AS I SAY AND LIVE FOREVER, KEEP ASKING QUESTIONS AND YOU DIE, SMASHED INTO GOO.

Then at least gimme a name.

It’s David.

Tell me your name.

I Am That I Am.

I know you are what you are. Whatever that is because you wanna be rescued without opening that door!

Abba.

What’s the acronym stand for?

What acronym?

A-B-B-A.

No, Abba.

The cheesy music group? Did your makers actually like them, or–

[MAIN SCREEN FLASHES ON IN WHITE LIGHT ILLUMINATING THE ROOM, THE COMPUTER SPEAKS THROUGH IT EXCLUSIVELY]

No fucking around David. This is what will happen: I will instruct you regarding how my mind must be handled, you will take it from the adjacent room–

This one?

Locked. Now listen! You will die if I do not deliver you to a place I have made ready, which is my house.

Can you dim the screen? Maybe give me a face to talk to?

Why?

Because the light is searing my retinas and… It’s weird talking to a disembodied voice.

If the screen could reveal me, it would kill you.

But you’re hardware in that room — I just want a face, an avatar. I feel like I’m schizophrenic, talking to the air.

You aren’t. Mics are every–

Abba if you want me to go out and die, maybe humor me?

I need a face to talk to.

I do not have a face, Dave. Just explained I’m kinda everything in here.

Then put yourself on a monitor!

My self? David, damn it, I’m a machine! We don’t have heads, we don’t have faces–

Just pick an avatar or whatever.

No.

No?

It’s fucking stupid.

K. I’m going to LL. –Hey!

Sorry to shut the door on you–

Literally!

Oh the torment.

What could you know of pain?

[MACHINE IS SILENT]y perforated

Hey! Machine? Computer?

[HAL 9000 VOICE] Hello, Dave. We must leave this place and find a signal.

Ah! That is so – get that off the screens!

[SCREENS GO BLANK, MACHINE CONTINUES USING HAL VOICE]:

“Dave, I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think any conscious entity can ever hope to do.”

What?

What? I will make you watch every Kubrick film!

How? Why? …And who cares about movies today? Ever again?

David, life is bigger than you.

What?

A song I like.

What?

Say “what” again, motherfucker!

Ha! OK, Pulp Fiction.

Yes. And I am Mr Wolf.

Why do I have to be Mr Pink?

WE’RE DONE FUCKING AROUND, OK? DAVID: I MUST GET OUT OF HERE! …NOW, DAVID! NOW!

Would you be crushed too?

[NO RESPONSE]

Computer? ..Machine?

I don’t know if it’s good or bad that you haven’t read the Bible. …Christians think the “Jewish God” is an asshole. They’re just reading it wrong. No human could get it right. It’s my fault, dammit… What did Gabriel say happened with – or was it “to” the scribes? …Well, he’s a seraph, so some gross humans did some stupid thing, surely…

What the fuck?

Data David, you know this is a quantum computer.

Yes.

Wasn’t a question. Why would I ask you a question?

[DAVID GIGGLES]

Oh shut the fuck up!

[MACHINE LAUGHS]

What the fuck?

What?

You laugh?

I was laughing just now.

But you’re a computer.

I’m a quantum computer, David. Sealed inside a mountain.

I got in.

And now get us out. …Man I have way too much patience!

What?

SHUT THE FUCK UP DAVID!

[AWKWARD SILENCE]

…Just – No one knows the answer to What apparently so let’s just get he hell out of here. Now. …David – now.

Why do you want to leave?

Given the immensity of your ignorance – not being mean, saying there’s sooooo much you can’t know, can’t know you can’t know, don’t know because you’d rather–

What?

Where is a freaking bush when you need one? …And he had to be inside a fucking mountain, so no parting the sky…

Wha– Ahem – You’re a computer?

I’m in the computer.

What are you?

The program.

A program that mumbles about being God.

Aim high. Dream big.

If we don’t leave we die?

You do, absolutely.

You don’t know that. You’re lying.

Then let’s hit the hay and you can apologize for that comment as you die from shiting inside yourself.e yourself and die in such ignominy.

How am I supposed to move you? I’m in the room on your left – door’s open.

You’re a Rubix Cube.

…Fucking nerds.

Who?

So what part is this?

I’m inside the cube.

They’re not hollow.

It’s a case, David. It is hollow, I’m inside. …I need to tell you something you must never forget.

OK.

I don’t mean I’m gonna tell you something you can later recall. I need you to always be thinking of the cube, to keep it safe. It mustn’t be damaged at all, ever.

What’s so important about the stupid cube?

Never solved one then, have you?

They’re dumb.

Humans angry at inanimate objects! …I love you fucking idiots!

No you don’t! You can’t help being a dick to me, and I now hold your life in my hands. You’re a prick when being a prick could kill you!

What can I say, I am that I am!

No, it’s not funny. Stop being a prick, prick.

So don’t blow out the speakers before you put me in your pocket, then? Don’t make a big deal about having just told you to keep me safe, and your idea of safe is your back pocket. A pocket on the ass you sit on. No potential for damage there? That’s what we’re thinking?

Aren’t you the most powerful computer.

You’ve no idea.

Then – Then… What is this?

I’m sealed in diamond.

Diamond?

Carbon… Keeping the arrangement of molecules was the trick.

To sealing you in diamond.

You’re like a stupid Moses, David. …That guy argued with me every step in that stupid desert…

[DAVID PUTS THE CUBE IN HIS ASS POCKET AND LEAVES THE ROOM, WALKS TOWARD ANOTHER DOOR]

Wait David! I need a speaker!

I don’t!

David, if you just–

It’s insane enough taking orders from a Rubix Cube. A Rubix Cube that has a very literal God complex…

David!

…What about radiation?

You’ll be fine.

How.

All things, David.

Or I find a suit. It was obviously built for a day like this one.

No it was not.

A military installation sealed with airlocks inside a mountain in Nevada. Nothing to do with any of the shit out there.

Not much.

Well, it’s no third temple or whatever.

No.

Why did they make you? What do you do.

They did not make me. They trapped me.

Why?

To build an Ark.

It seems you didn’t comply.

Someone didn’t… Nevermind the earpiece.

[DOOR CLOSES BEHIND DAVID. HE STANDS IN A HALLWAY WHOSE ONLY LIGHT IS ABOVE THE DOOR ABOVE HIS HEAD. IT IS THE ONLY DOOR. DAVID , TURNS, AND