Crank’s News: JPC or not? Govt sets up JPC to find out

New Delhi: In a brilliant tactical move that is expected to break the prolonged impasse over the functioning of Parliament and also take the wind out of the Opposition’s sails, the UPA government today announced the setting up of a Joint Parliamentary Committee, which will now go into the matter of whether to have a JPC to probe the alleged 2G scam.

‘They want a JPC. We feel a JPC to probe the 2G scam is not required. It’s a classic stalemate. Such parliamentary conflicts are traditionally resolved only through a JPC. We have struck to that hoary tradition,’ Congress spokesperson Manish Tewari explained the logic behind the strategic move of JPC for a JPC.

‘This also makes it clear that we are not congenitally averse to the JPC. We are only against the JPC on the 2G spectrum issue. Quite honestly, what can a JPC ferret out that is not already known in the matter. In fact people are quite fed up with the 2G Spectrum scam that they have now moved on to the S Band Spectrum scandal,’ Manish Tewari pointed out.

It’s a shame that the Opposition is wasting Parliament’s time on the 2G spectrum issue when there are far bigger and important issues over which they can stall Parliament, Tewari said and added: ‘for instance, only Parliament can conclusively debate and enlighten the people on the most important topic of the day: Which is hotter — Munni Badnam Hui or Sheila Ki Jawani?’

Sources close to the Congress, however, confirmed that the party will back Sheila Ki Jawani, considering the fact that she is its Chief Minister in Delhi.

Meanwhile, Kapil Sibal, the Union Minister for Defending The Government Whenever A Scandal Breaks Out, told newsmen that setting up a JPC to go into the matter of setting up a JPC is a well-accepted practice in evolved and mature democracies, especially to uphold the highest tradition of a ruling regime, which is to buy time when in trouble. ‘The JPC to look into the need for JPC on the alleged 2G scam will not weaken the institution of JPC. More JPCs means more allowances for participating members. And this is at the centre of all Parliamentary democracy’, Sibal, who is also a senior advocate, said.

Taking an example from the legal world, Sibal pointed to the setting up fast track courts in matters like Rajiv Gandhi assassination case. ‘The special court didn’t undermine the judiciary or the courts. In fact it enhanced them. The charge of subverting the judiciary would have been valid if the matter had ended once the Designated Court delivered its verdict. But as you know that is not the case. The Designated Court’s verdict is still being fought at both the High Court and Supreme Court. And nobody knows when the case will eventually end.’

Likewise in the Kasab case. ‘We could not let the backlog of cases in the High Court and the Supreme Court to hold up such a sensitive and serious matter. That would have been a travesty,’ Kapil Sibal explained and added: ‘The fast track court, which we established to handle the Mumbai attack case, is expediting the due process of delay in a free and fair manner. On the other hand, at the High Court and the Supreme Court, the backlog of cases would have delayed the delay further’.

Elsewhere, buffeted by the continuing charges of corruption and more scandals, the PMO today produced the biggest and the most unimpeachable evidence to establish the Prime minister’s honesty and integrity —- an affidavit from a Notary Public.

‘To whomsoever it may concern,’ the affidavit signed by a Notary Public in New Delhi’s Janak Puri area began. ‘This is to confirm that the Prime Minister, living at 7, Race Course Road, is clean and honest’.

Reacting to the PMO releasing the affidavit from the Notary Public, Congress spokesperson Jayanthi Natarajan said ‘at least now the Opposition should shut up. There is no bigger document in India than the Notary Public’s affidavit. People have been using it to prove very many things, including the spelling of their names.’

‘At any rate, neither B S Yeddyurappa nor Narendra Modi can boast of such a clean bill on their behalf,’ she added.

In a late development, the Opposition parties, in a joint decision, have decided to boycott the Budget Session of Parliament till their demand for a JPC to probe the whole matter is met. The JPC they now want is to establish factfully whether Sourav Ganguly has retired or not. Being an election year in West Bengal, the government is in a quandary over whether to accede to the demand or not.

(Disclaimer: To whomsoever it may concern: This is a bonafide Humour Article. And failing to laugh appropriately can incur punishment. Signed: Your Friendly Notary Public)