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Setbacks

It’s helping a little, but there is still quite a large part of me that looks long and hard at my life—at where I am at my age (28) and thinks of what a complete failure I am as an adult. I can’t help it. Yes, there are people who love me. Yes, I am receiving support that a majority of unemployed people my age aren’t getting. My parents are supporting me. I should consider myself lucky. I should feel a measure of happiness.

All I can feel is empty. Like I shouldn’t be here. I’m a mooch. I can’t get work because this headache (I still have a headache after that concussion in January) and the severe depression make it difficult for me to get out of bed each morning. It probably sounds like an excuse to some people. In fact, after reading comments on articles written by people who still live with their parents, I feel like I am one of those people. A drain. I don’t contribute, so I have no worth.

And so returns that old friend, Self Loathing. The oily sludge that slithers across the back of my neck and digs it’s thin tentacles beneath my skin to take hold. To remain close and whisper horrible things to me. “You’re just a waste. Things would be better for everyone if you would just go away. Does anyone even really need you?”

For a disgusting sludge monster, Self Loathing certainly has a seductive voice.

It’s going to be hard to pry Self Loathing loose. Its hold is deep and I’m weak. Sometimes, most of the time, my weakness worries me.

I’ve tried to apply for disability. I don’t qualify. I’ve tried to apply for Medicaid. I don’t qualify (I would if I had a child). Seeing those rejection letters… To put it in a succinct version of their terms, I do not make enough money for them to help me. I am too poor for financial aid. I am too poor in general.

And so I live with my parents. I go to therapy every week any pay for my appointments out of my parents’ pocket.

And Self Loathing twines its cold, greasy tentacles further beneath my skin and squeezes my spine. “Just do it, Jenn. You’ll save a lot of people a lot of financial trouble. Sure, they’ll mourn you—but will you really care? It’s not like you’ll be around to see it.”

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One thought on “Setbacks”

I’ve struggled with the same temptress in the past year multiple times…it feels like everything could be better for everyone else if I wasn’t around. It’s obviously not the same situation you’re in, every one of them is different…and I don’t mean in anyway to compare our situations, I mainly wanted to share in case things that have worked for me work for you (and they don’t have to, more just throwing this into the wind)

There are things in my life I’m grateful for, and should be grateful for, but the emptyness just kills that. I’ve had moments where I’ve walked into another room and looked for any object that I could find that could help me 100% end it. Nothing anyone can say can make me feel better, so I know a random voice from a distance won’t help, but the hardest part for me is finding someone to talk to about it the moment I need it. I talk to a therapist now too, and they help me that once every few weeks when I can see them, but that’s not the time I need it. The time I need it is like this with you where everything just decides to rear it’s ugly head and throw itself back into your face where everything hurts and everything reminds you of your failures instead of your accomplishments.

Even if it’s just to talk about something to not have the thoughts in your head of wanting to do it. It’s not about whether or not you’re needed or you’re worth it… you are, it’s about getting that pain to stop, and getting something else in your brain that’ll help you adapt, at least until the urge passes. I’ve found just calling my parents and talking about their cats will get me through the urgency of it. I don’t know if it would help you or not… but it’s something I’ve found that gets me past the point of focus when it’s bad.

I think the other hardest part for me is the stuggle of self-worth…needing to feel needed or that I’m doing something possitive for those around me. Working has helped me with that, but with you not being able to I know that can really weigh down on you. A friend of mine who was in a similar situation with not being able to work because of an injury started doing online businessy type of things like Amazon Mechanical Turk http://www.wahm.com/articles/making-money-with-amazons-mechanical-turk.html …where you can make money online to help pay for medical bills, etc by doing various tasks online for people. It’s not a hell of a lot, but I know it helped my friend feel a little more self sufficient. Anyway… If you already do this or know this and I’m just blabbering on I apologize. I just…I know how it can be to feel completely at the bottom. If you need someone to talk to when it’s bad..even if it’s not about what you’re feeling, and you just want a distraction, let me know…I in no way mean to step on your toes or want to make you feel like you have to do anything I’ve said or any of these are answers, I just wanted to share in case it would help.