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hello, havent been on here in a while but i used to post poetry/lyrics occasionally. im trying to write some music again so heres a set of lyrics ive been messing around with. its kind of a folk-punk song, if that helps (anyone know jeffrey lewis?) thanks for any help and crit for crit.

air supply demandis getting higher everday,crushed the kids down into cubesto buy myself some spaceto wait around in bored as hellcomplaining bout the view.nations are dissolvingand theres nothing good to do.

think ill stick around a whileand find out how this ends,watch the other charactersfade into black and thenill crawl out to the sidewalkand complain about the cold.planets are erodingwhile my clothes are getting old.

and in a little while nowill look for something elseinstead of trying to justifythis system to myselfand waiting around here bored as hellcomplaining bout the scene.nations are dissovlingand ive got no place to be.

air supply demandBad way to start off. This felt like a disjointed sentence.is getting higher everday,crushed the kids down into cubesto buy myself some spaceHA! Excellent couplet.to wait around in bored as hellcomplaining bout the view.nations are dissolvingand theres nothing good to do.The third line hurt the flow, but the overall meaning was decent.

think ill stick around a whileand find out how this ends,watch the other charactersfade into black and thenill crawl out to the sidewalkand complain about the cold.planets are erodingwhile my clothes are getting old.Decent. The last couplet was good, but the theme is running dry now.

and in a little while nowDidn't flow. "Now" was unneccessary.ill look for something elseinstead of trying to justifythis system to myselfDecent.and waiting around here bored as hellcomplaining bout the scene.nations are dissovlingand ive got no place to be.Not particularly fond of the repeated outro theme. I'd cut back once on it.

^thanksi dont think im gonna change anytihng as far as the flow goes because its already to music and it fits very well with that. some of the words in there might be partly left out or slurred together depending on how its sung, if that makes any sense (like the "and" in the first line of the third verse). thanks for that tho.any other suggestions/opinions here?

I adored the imagery and flow in the first section. Felt like a so I should take it's place before the crushed. Wouldn't weaken the flow and would add clarity, although it's obvious, it feels weird.But yeah, I really enjoyed the first part, felt like an original take on boredom as part of it was very well done. I don't think the rest of this was quite as strong.

The and then in the second verse/stanza felt weak.As did the clothes line.These lines

this system to myselfand waiting around here bored as hell

broke the flow.

There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!

hello, havent been on here in a while but i used to post poetry/lyrics occasionally. im trying to write some music again so heres a set of lyrics ive been messing around with. its kind of a folk-punk song, if that helps (anyone know jeffrey lewis?) thanks for any help and crit for crit.

air supply demandis getting higher everday,Not feeling these two lines...crushed the kids down into cubesto buy myself some space...But these two make up for it. Greatto wait around in bored as hellcomplaining bout the view.nations are dissolvingand theres nothing good to do.I like it

think ill stick around a whileand find out how this ends,watch the other charactersfade into black and thenill crawl out to the sidewalkand complain about the cold.Like how this whole thought flows through thisplanets are erodingwhile my clothes are getting old.Weak ending I think. Something other than 'my clothes' may fit better

and in a little while nowill look for something elseinstead of trying to justifythis system to myselfand waiting around here bored as hellcomplaining bout the scene.nations are dissovlingand ive got no place to be.Ehh...

It's pretty good. I think the stanzas get worse as you go further into it, but it's not bad.Mind taking a look at either of mine?