Smart ladies love dumb TV, Candidly Nicole recap, How to be an Adult

Sorry this is so late, I wish the reason was something sexier than “I was incredibly sick,” but here we are. Since last week’s recap was super popular, it looks like I will be recapping this show every week. In return I ask that you all keep putting the good gifs on tumblr because I want for nothing when it comes to Nicole Richie.

I have to say, the five minutes of the naked dating show my DVR catches before Candidly Nicole make me appreciate this show even more.

Nicole addresses us: “I’m grown up, but I’m not a grown up. I wear a turtleneck, but not a beige turtleneck.” Girrrrllll, no one should. Let’s recap how cute you looked in the white one last week!

Nicole discusses her 15 year old sister Sofia, who she wants to make sure behaves herself and doesn’t turn into a wild party girl with a reality show (she DOES have almost 400,000 followers on instagram, which is 399,950 more than me, making me jealous of a 15 year old).

Sofia, who is a “model,” is thinking about having a “chill” party with eight people and Nicole volunteers to chaperone. She says there is not going to be any nonsense if she’s there. No booze, no drugs, no slutty friends.

Sofia is eating strawberries from a plastic container but what is that in the silver bowl?

Lionel talks about what it was like to be Nicole’s dad when she was crazy. Nicole admits Sofia will be doing the same things but we live in a post-Paris Hilton world and I don’t think that’s going to happen in the same way almost 20 years later. “Did you ever save my straightjacket?”

Lionel is confused by adult Nicole vs teen Nicole, but Nicole reassures him that she has everything under control.

They suggest a cut off age so Lionel can’t go, which Nicole thinks it’s perfectly reasonable to be the second half of 50. I’m sure Sofia will wish the cutoff age was 22.

Responsible, cool, sexy, fuckable: this is Nicole’s wardrobe story for her chaperone look. She decides she needs black frame glasses, so it’s time to go to sponsor Warby Parker (finally a reality TV sponsor I like, we have four pairs of WP glasses in our household) with her fun friend Moshe, who is trying on glasses with her.

Nicole insists on a prescription to be “legit,” so she decides to pretend to fail a vision test. This should be fun!

She rides with Sofia to a grocery store, and tells her no sugar and suggests some other rules for the party. My favorites: no naked jump roping, no orgy hula hooping, no keg stands. Nicole wants to invite her friends too as backup.

Are all guys in California hot? Fuck the east coast!

She does a wine tasting at the grocery store with Richard. She gargles with it, does lots of “wooo hooos” and asks Richard to be her best friend. Then a series of a amazing things happen:

Y’all, she is sitting in the cart while it has groceries in it and it is GLORIOUS.

PUT YOUR ARMS IN THAT JACKET.

At eye doctor in Westwood, Nicole is wearing a blazer draped over shoulder. She makes a big deal of asking a dude, who resembles a less blond Tyler Oakley, in the waiting room for the time because she can’t see. She is pretending like her fake battle with poor eyesight is the worst thing in the world but fake Tyler DGAF.

Another hot guy?? UGH California!!!!!!!!!!

Nicole tells the hot doctor she can’t see anything, and he concurs, telling her that her “left eye is very weak.”

But there’s this and seriously it is my EVERYTHING:

There are lots of rules for the party–and Nicole makes a list on pink posterboard. My favorite is “no flash photography.”

When Sofia’s friends came over, the “chaperone” tells them, “You should respect your adults, take a condom and a wristband and get out of my face.”

Erin, best chaperone ever, says, “Where are the dudes?” She’s going for a cool older sister vibe and she has completely succeeded. I don’t think anyone over 20 should wear that top, ever.

Sofia calls her too aggressive, and then two of them get tipsy. Lots of “chaperones” show up including drag queen Courtney Act and some rando hot guys. I doubt Nicole knows any of them. Where’s Moshe? I want him to be sassy with Erin.

“Cheers! We hate kids!” Ummm apparently Nicole forgot she has two.

The party “chaperones,” breaking all the rules:

I love the reaction of Sofia and her friends who all act like thirty year olds:

“This is like Scared Straight.” “I am never drinking after seeing this. This is a good lesson.”

Poor Sofia looks miserable. She and Nicole have an awkward fight in the kitchen where Nicole ends by saying “You’re my dog. Kitty cat. Cool cat. Sister, but replace the er with an a.” Errr whatever you say. Keep staring at that cheap plastic bowl of Nespresso cups:

Of course everything turns out completely fine and I don’t think Sofia is in any danger of anything except overexposure a la the Jenners.

Next on the show: there’s a school fundraising event at a farm with chickens!