Mom Dates, QB Traits and Sad Fates

And now, the story of the time I once tried to ask a girl out but wound up propositioning her mother instead.

A few years ago, a woman from work decided to set me up with her friend’s daughter. She decided this while in the car with that friend. So, she grabbed the friend’s phone, called me and passed on the daughter’s name and number.

I called the daughter and we went out on a date. It was perfectly fine. We went to a bar that happened to have a trivia night. In an effort to not seem like the obnoxious know-it-all we all know I am, I held back from answering every single question. At one point, I even said, “I don’t know. What do you think?” even though I knew the answer and, even though what she said was definitely wrong, I said, “Sure, you’re guess is as good as mine,” and I let her give it to the trivia guy. (This is in no way germaine to the story, but it’s important for readers to know that A) I am capable of supressing my most obnoxious traits and B) I always know the answer to every question at trivia.)

A few days later, I decided it was time to ask for a second date. And I had an excellent second date idea: Yankee tickets. Her phone number was in my bedroom. I was sitting on the couch. I didn’t feel like getting up, so I just scrolled through my call history until I found the number with her area code, and sent a quick text.
“Hey, I had a really good time the other night. Would you like to go the Yankee game with me on Friday?”

Then, I waited.

After about an hour, I knew something was wrong. I went back over the entire first date in my head. I couldn’t think of any glaring errors. I was stumped. Then, I had a horrifying thought. I ran into the bedroom and grabbed the paper where her phone number was written. Then I looked at my phone. The area codes matched. The first three digits of the number matched, but the last four were DIFFERENT.

You know how a lot of people have similar cell phone numbers to their parents, because they got their first phones while still on a family plan? Yeah. She is one of those people. Remember how the woman from work had originally called me with the girl’s mother’s phone?

When I scrolled through the numbers on my phone to send the text, that was the number I stopped on. I just asked her mother to go to the Yankee game with me.

WHAT DO I DO NOW???????

The first thing I did was text the right number and offer up some sort of weird explanation. “Hey, I just accidentally asked your mom out. LOL. What a hilarious mix up! Anyway, would you like to go to the Yankee game with me?” (This is a paraphrase, though not very far from the actual message.)

She did not respond.

Next, I called the woman at work to tell her what happened. I was hoping she would reassure me. “They will both find this charming. Don’t even think twice.”

That is not what she said.

Instead, she told me she was going to the theater with the mother the next day, so the mother would be coming up to the office. AWESOME!!!!

Fast forward to the next day. I’m sitting at my desk. My co-worker walks past me with the girl’s mother. At first I do nothing. I just stare at my computer like nothing happened. This will not do. So, I decide to confront the issue head on. I walked over and extended my hand.”Hi, I’m Justin. I think I accidentally asked you out last night.”

The mother smiled, shook my hand and confirmed that, yes, I had, in fact, asked her on a date. Then there was some awkward silence. I decided to fill it.

They say you’re supposed to turn into a spin when you lose control of your car.

It’s curious how much I like Nate Silver. He’s one of the pioneers of baseball’s statistical revolution, which I find cumbersome and joyless. His colleague, Joe Sheehan, is someone I criticize on a near weekly basis. And yet, I’m a big fan. I think it’s because Silver has managed to expand beyond baseball. When I’m talking to people about politics with non-sports fans, I can reference Nate Silver’s predictions, then point out that he started as a baseball stat guy. This helps reinforce my own self worth as an intellectual who also happens to be obsessed with sports. Nate Silver makes me feel better about myself. I guess that’s really what it comes down to.

THE ARTICLES:

What, You Doubted Him? by Alan Shipnuck

Shipnuck writes about Peyton Manning’s first game as a Bronco. Here’s a question: Is Peyton Manning a better player than John Elway? I kind of think he is. I’m not talking about career accomplishments. Obviously, Elway has won twice as many titles as Peyton. But, if that’s all that we used to judge a player, than Eli would be twice the quarterback that his brother is, too. And even Giants fans know that’s not the case. But, as far as pure talent, I think Peyton is at least in the same neighborhood as Elway. So, it’s odd to hear Elway talk about what he thinks Peyton may be capable of. It kind of feels like he’s talking down to Manning.

A Plus for DC’s RG3 by Pablo S. Torre

It’s one game! Everyone calm the fuck down.

Let’s Hear It For The Poise by Michael Rosenberg

The best part of this article about Andrew Luck’s debut with the Colts is the title.

Let’s all enjoy some DeNiece Williams

Putting Mettle To The Pedal by Kelli Anderson

Anderson writes about Alex Zinardi’s success as a hand cyclist, following his near deadly crash and double amputation in a Formula One race. I heard a lot about the paralympics this summer. In fact, I’m not sure I had ever heard about the paralympics at all until this year. A lot of people on Twitter criticized NBC for not airing enough paralympic events. But, who the fuck is going to watch that on a Saturday afternoon? I would rather watch whatever stupid crap NBC showed instead. People say the paralympics are uplifting. Maybe. But, you have to be knocked down before you can get lifted up. And there’s nothing like a pile of handicapped people to depress you.

Lawyer, Senator, Justice, Assistant by Andy Staples

Staples profiles West Virginia assistant Daron Roberts, who took a coaching job after graduating from Harvard Law School. At one point, he lists two unidentified resumes, one which belongs to President Obama and one which belongs to Roberts. The intention is for the reader to not be able to tell the difference. But, I could tell the difference. President Obama is more impressive.

Dale Jr’s Back In The Race by Lard Anderson

NOPE

The Boy They Couldn’t Kill by Thomas Lake

Wow. Lake revisits one of the most shocking stories in sports history; Rae Carruth’s murder of his pregnant girlfriend. This article contains the most specific details of that case that I’ve ever read. I’m also shocked to see that it happened 13 years ago. And by writing it as a profile of the son Carruth tried to kill and the grandmother who is raising him, Lake manages to tell Carruth’s story without giving him the satisfaction of being the center of attention.

Point After by Chipper Jones

Chipper writes his own baseball eulogy. And he’s very honest about his failings, both personal and professional. You should read it.