Windows XP Flight Feature Flawed

By
Tom Condon

Redmond, WA - One of the most acclaimed features of the new Microsoft
Windows XP release is its ability to enable users to fly without
the aid of any mechanical assistance whatsoever. As the Microsoft
commercials vividly display, users of XP can fly simply by spreading
their arms. This is made possible by the new flight feature of Windows
XP, called MSFlight. "The flight feature is something that we
have been working on for some time," said Bill Gates, CEO of
Microsoft. "Today's mobile executives need the ability to fly,
and we feel that MSFlight's capabilities are far superior to those
offered by Linux or Apple."

However, as with many Microsoft releases, there have been some problems
with the initial releases. Many users are saying that their flying
experiences are very different from what is shown on the television
commercials.

One
example is Martin Feinstein, of Syosset, NY After purchasing Windows
XP, he activated the flying feature and immediately levitated in
his living room. "At first, it was great, just like in the commercials" he
said. However, Mr. Feinstein's computer locked up after only a few
minutes, sending him crashing to he ground and fracturing his right
clavicle. "My computer crashed, and so did I" said Mr.
Feinstein, who purchase an Apple computer the next day.

Another problem is XP's susceptibility to viruses. Janice O'Connor,
of Anderson, North Carolina was ejected from her 14th floor apartment
after opening an e-mail that contained a virus targeted at Windows
XP. The virus, which contains a file aptly named "Flyme2th_moon.exe",
initiates the MSFlight feature, adjusts the speed setting to maximum,
and then shuts down the computer a few seconds later, ending the
user's flight capabilities. Witnesses said that Ms. O'Connor was
hurdled through her apartment's balcony plate glass window and flew
approximately 200 yards at that altitude before plummeting to her
death.

"This certainly gives new meaning to the term 'fatal exception'",
said her cousin, Rita O'Reardon, who was injured after opening the
virus in an e-mail from Ms. O'Connor and being thrown against her
bedroom wall. Apparently the virus uses Microsoft Outlook to e-mail
copies of itself to everyone in the victim's contacts list. More
than 100 people in O'Connor's contacts list were sent the virus,
but only 3, who had purchased Windows XP, were injured. Local Police
Chief Clem Waters said, "It is fortunate that sales of XP have
been so slow, or this event could have been much worse."

Another Windows XP user flew a little too well. Amy Branston of
San Francisco was last seen ascending straight up at an amazing speed,
and was tracked by NASA radar moving away from the earth at over
28,000 miles per hour. According to her husband, she had just installed
Windows XP, and thought that the MSFlight feature was a flight simulator
game. "She turned on the MSFlight feature, and shot up like
a rocket," he told BB Spot reporters. Apparently, a glitch in
the Windows XP software was responsible for propelling her into outer
space. Microsoft officials have commented that Windows XP is not
capable of accelerating users to orbital velocity unless they have
installed an unlicensed copy of the software.

NASA officials are very concerned about the potential for Microsoft
to introduce its customers into an already crowded orbital space.
Mr. Hal Clarke, Director of Space Junk for NASA says, "There
are tens of thousands of objects already floating in earth orbit,
and it is difficult enough to track them now" said Mr. Clarke. "If
we're going to have hundreds or thousands of Microsoft users floating
around up there, it's going to get pretty messy. It's not just the
bodies we're worried about. We have calculated that collisions will
produce significant fragmentation, with huge numbers of arms, legs,
and other parts." NASA is already contemplating fitting its
space shuttles with windshield wipers to help clean off blood and
other bodily fluids from collisions with orbiting Microsoft XP users.

The FAA is also concerned about the potential for traffic problems
in commercial air space. "If there are going to be thousands
of Microsoft XP users flying around in the air, we're going to have
a traffic control nightmare on our hands," said FAA spokesman
Norman Krazowski. "They are all going to have to file flight
plans, and carry anti-collision transponders and flight data recorders
just like airplanes. Also, randomly-selected XP users will be selected
and required to carry an undercover Air Marshall with them." Microsoft
has responded to the FAA by saying that any undercover Air Marshals
attached to any flying XP users will also have to purchase a licensed
copy of Microsoft XP.

Mr. Gates has stressed the safety of Windows XP, noting that it
is far more stable than previous versions of Windows. "I can
understand why people would have been hesitant to trust their lives
to previous versions of Windows, but XP is far more stable, and users
can feel completely secure flying at any altitude while using XP." When
asked by a reporter why he chose to arrive in a limousine rather
than use the flight feature of Windows XP, Mr. Gates declined to
comment.