[IP] bad days with the d

today was just one of those days that you want to wipe out of your history
... it started great, went to my morning aikido class, had nice 93 bs
afterwards, ate nice yummy special k and soy milk for breakfast, was 83 pre
lunch. then for some reason just felt down and out, a little bummed,
homesick or something. so used that as an excuse to eat two of the evil
dining hall brownies. then got angry at myself, instead of just looking up
the carbo amount and giving myself a killer huge bolus to cover did the oh
so stupid and oh so dangerous practice of letting the sugars run high so
you end up urinating out all the calories ... then after class went back to
my dorm room only to find out that i was rejected from a job i really
really wanted at this restaurant and then remembered i have a huge spanish
test tomorrow ... cut class and went for a walk to make myself feel better,
but already on the shame spiral, bought a peanut butter brownie bar ...
didn't even check the sugar, didn't bolus ... an hour or two later came to
my senses and checked, a nasty 345. felt full of guilt and angry at myself,
sometimes hate this disease so much, but at this point it's not even the
disease, just hate how i blame it for everything that goes wrong and try to
eat lots of sugar to get revenge at it or something. thought i was through
with this phase ... i so want to be.
down to 200 now, feeling better. there's always tomorrow (when i probably
won't have any vision or kidney functioning ... no, i can't say that, can't
have that defeatist attitude)
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
thanks for letting me vent, sometimes i just need support from people who
get it ...
-laura
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Insulin-Pumpers website http://www.insulin-pumpers.org/