antm cycle 17

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Kathy Griffin – who the gays normally love all sorts of all the time – was disappointingly boring as a guest judge. Tyrant must’ve threatened to sit on her face if she trashed the show too bad. Speaking of trash, we had a photo shoot dedicated to the heinously ridiculous Snooki and NeNe. Sounds like the noise my mom makes when she sneezes. Predictably, the trashiest girls, Angelea and Lisa did the best while our darling GLBT rep Kayla got the boot. I was pissed. But the good news is that it was a double elimination and Bianca, along with all her drama and egotistical rantings got sent packing too. Will Tyrant keep this train trucking towards trashy? Can Lisa function without Bianca to fight with? Will Angelea say “ghetto”? Only 7 nevergonnabes remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

So? Spill it. How was everybody’s Halloween? I had a great time dressed as the amazing Leeloo Dallas. It was epic. I will NEVER forget my 2am walk down Granville (Vancouver’s straight club district) street in that wig, those heels, and those little white strips of ribbon. I’m a little pissed though at my fourth place finish (ahem… 3rd Runner Up) at the club’s costume contest. I got beat out by some trainwreck tranny Cleopatra, a robot, and a giant red bird. What. The. Fuck. No respect for the Multipass.

We start off this week recapping last week’s surprising double boot. They’re all giddy over Bianca’s ouster. Lisa lets us know that it is in fact “karma” that got her top photo. Ummm… no. It was because you got to be trashy. Then, out of nowhere, we get “internet sensation” Madison delivering this week’s Tyra Mail. Ummm. WTF. Never heard of you. Buh bye.

Holy double elimination Batman!!! Did anyone see that coming on last night’s episode? I’ve never been a fan of Bianca but her elimination last night was bunk. I also felt bad for Kayla as well. All season long, the judges and editing haven’t been kind to her. Considering she was such a star on her cycle, she was such a non-entity this cycle and gave unmemorable pictures.

Correction, Tyra picked unmemorable pics. I swear to God, she purposely picks certain photos so she can eliminate at will. I strongly feel the models should be able to pick their best pic. Now, that would be fair. Of course, cray cray control issues Tyrant would never do that. Personally, Laura and Shannon should’ve been booted last night. I’m over the sweet as American pie blondies.

With only seven models left, it’s time for the video challenge. Since these girls are All-Stars, a simple CoverGirl commercial isn’t going to fly. Tyra is making them create their own singles and film their very own music videos. LOL. Just what the world needs, more reality stars thinking they’re pop stars. I really don’t think this cycle is about “branding“. Rather, it’s all about becoming a reality star cliche. From creating fragrances to posing like Snooki and NeNe, this cycle is turning out to be a joke. And if Allison Harvard doesn’t win, consider us all Punk’d. Check out preview pics from this week’s booty touche’ing episode below.

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant somehow convinced Canadian stunner Coco Rocha to pose with our nevergonnabes. Needless to say they were all epically outclassed by a real working supermodel. Thankfully, Bre and AlexHATEdria ended up in the bottom two with Bre packing her bags and giving Tyrant major ‘tude on the way out the door. Shame we didn’t get another freak out from Miss Banks. Learn something from this! There are STILL nine girls left. Good Lord! It is time to cut some of the dead weight Tyrant… put some of these girls out of their misery and crush their hopes of a modeling career once and for all. So who’s gonna cry tonight? Who will give Mr. J major eye rolls? Will Lisa wear an awful outfit? Who will be eliminated tonight?

So Halloween is just around the corner? You peeps got your costumes all sorted out? I just did my little dress rehearsal tonight. GURL! All I gotta say is FIERCE with a capital SHAMELESS. I always try to do something ridiculous with as little material as possible. This year might be the best, and by best I mean absolutely heinously amazing. Watch out Fifth Element fans… I got my MultiPass and Leeloo is ready to kick some ass.

We start off this week in the van. Lisa is crying. She’s sad and shocked that Bre went home. They were on Cycle 5 together. That’s how fresh and new these girls are. 12 Cycles later and they still haven’t made it. Lisa thinks shit is gonna get crazy in the house since Bianca’s bodyguard is gone. Uh oh, More Lisa/Bianca nonsense. Can’t wait. Yawn. Cue AlexHATEdria’s turn to cry. She got called a “reality tv star”. Boo hoo sister. You’re on reality tv… and you’re NOT a star. Take it as a compliment. Then we have Shannon wondering what the judges want from her to be more “edgy”. She thinks they want “raunchy”, but she’s not going there… even to win. We know. You’re a saint. You where slutty bathing suits, but not slutty lingerie. Blah blah blah.

Thank God, an elimination took place at last panel. After last week’s non-elimination, I was hoping for a double elimin this week. Time to start cutting some of the fat. Too bad Bre left instead of Alexandria. Bre was much more tolerable this cycle than her original one. I wonder how Bianca is going to fare without her sista in the house. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for more epic breakdowns and tantrums. Bring on the batshizz.

After last week’s fiercely awesome photo shoot with Coca Rocha, Tyra goes pretty budget with this week’s theme. Seriously… biker chicks? WTF. As if that’s not bad enough, the photoshopping is pretty ridiculous. Not as ridic as the first photo shoot where the nevergonnabes were walking on water. Are these guys interns or what? To boot, some of the girls have to wear short brown wigs that aren’t flattering on anyone, especially Alexandria.

Kathy Griffin joins the panel this week and I can’t wait for her to tear these girls apart. Any wagers on which girl has a crying fit backstage after Griffin’s critique? I’m guessing either Shannon, Bianca or Angelea. They seem to be the most on their period this cycle. Taking the photos this week is ANTM regular, Mike Rosenthal. Considering his previous work on the show, I was expecting more from him. Don’t take my word for it, check out the final pics before you hear Tyra, Andre and Nigel give you their two cents.

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, all hell broke loose when Bianca decided to go batshit crazy, Bre decided to be her guardian angel, and Shannon decided to be too pious to fight. Even better was that Tyrant pulled out one of her super ridiculously manipulative storyline stunts to prevent one of her favourite batshit crazy drama girls from going home. Oh, here’s an idea. Let’s let batshit crazy LaToya Jackson decide the callout order. But wait, we can’t send Lisa or Angelea home, so let’s let LaToya decide to keep everyone because it’s what her batshit crazy brother would’ve wanted. Ugh. Nightmare. Tyrant better send two of these nevergonnabes home tonight or I will cancel my subscription to Tyra Mail. Will Bianca continue with the meltdown? Can Allison continue to be the best girl in the world? Will Coco Rocha wish she had never brought her hot Canadian booty tooch to this batshit crap fest? Who will be eliminated tonight?

In honour of all the batshit that is going on tonight, this week’s coveted second paragraph is devoted to Brandon Hantz on the current Survivor. What. The. Fuck. That little weirdo is driving me nuts. I like drama on Survivor, but not when it is brought to us in the confused ramblings of a religiously tormented troll spawn. His obsession with strong, attractive females and their wicked ways is bizarre. His rants and musings about truth, loyalty and God reek of a man brainwashed by monks threatening to castrate him. Enough.

Okay! On with Top Model! We start off this week backstage after the last non-elimination with the girls celebrating… I mean complaining about Bianca’s meltdown. She’s a “spoiled brat” say the girls. She’s a bully blah blah blah. Bianca’s “locked and loaded and ready for war”. I am SOOOOO over this. I was over it last week. I refuse to write any more about it… unless someone does something awesome.

If you didn’t watch last night’s episode yet, then stop reading. Spoiler alert. BOO on the non-elimination last night. I was ready to let either of them, if not both Angelea and Lisa, go. Shame on you Tyra for making Latoya Jackson the bearer of bad good news. The reason behind the non-elimination was too RHONJ’s Danielle Staub love and light’ish for my liking. Considering that this was the second time for these two girls in the bottom two already, one of them definitely needed to be auf wiedersehen’d. Oops, wrong show. I wonder if a double elimination in somewhere in the near future.

Speaking of double. This week’s photo shoot is another combo pic. The All-Stars are once again paired off in hopes creating magic SLASH drama. Does this mean that there’s another challenge earlier that gives half the girls a pass? I hope so. I kinda liked the whole you’re safe reward thing. It’s all very Project Runway immunity’ish. The girls not only have to outshine each other in the photo this week, but the gorgeous Coco Rocha as well. Who will out-model whom?

The supermodel drops by and does double duty this week. She poses with the girls and also sits at the panel. Will Tyra give Coco final say in the call order again? Probably not. Check out photos from Episode 6 below. As a side note, as much as I’m not a Bianca fan, personality wise. She was totally in the right with the Shannon argument. That blond holier-than-though prude has to go. Used to be a fan of hers, but she’s gotta go.

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Camille, our darling whacko wannabe from Cycle 2, was eliminated after a very lackluster run this year. I’m disappointed because we never really got to see her stomp out her signature walk that was going to make her famous but didn’t because she was never really that good. Oh Camille. On the flip side, Angelea is making some sort of epic come back. She went from the bottom two to top photo in one week. Tyrant sure is pimping this girl and her “ghetto bitch” storyline. God I hate Tyrant. On the flip side of that, I still love Allison who has been on an impressive roll this cycle. Can she keep it up? Will Angelea continue to be Tyrant’s obvious rags to riches fairy tale princess? Will Kayla rebound from her puke-a-thon slash was it actually some kind of OD as loyal reader Robyn has speculated? Who will be eliminated tonight?

Last week, you’ll recall that I devoted my fave second paragraph to how pissy I was. Sorry about that. Today, life is grand. I have a non-fat, no whip pumpkin spice latte sitting beside me, the planning for New Years’ Eve in Puerto Vallarta is well underway, and I just found out that the boys from the Island (AKA Victoria, BC)are coming over for Bearracuda in Vancouver next week. Stoked! Who doesn’t love a bear/cub/otter/wolf dance party!? Woof. Also, I have Avril’s yeah-ye-ah ye-ah-yeah-ah stuck in head.

We start off this week in the bus with Lisa and Bre lamenting their lower placements from last week. They’re stressed. Bre thought she was gonna be a front runner because she’s been “working” the last six years. Gurl please. Where you been working? Lisa then warns us that it is game on and she is going to go all out to brand herself on this ANTM All Stars platform. She actually used the word “explosive”. Oh shit. Crazy Lisa is coming back. Maybe she’ll shit in some diapers this time, not just piss. That would be fun.

Receiving the pictures for next week’s episode a week early has it’s pros and cons. On one hand, you get to see the girls’ final picture early and you get to formulate your own opinions without being swayed by editing or the judges’ views. On the flip side, you have to wait to see who’s going home. Last week’s preview, it was pretty obvious that Camille was next to be eliminated. How horrible was that pic? Like Rich, I also think that Camille wasn’t as cray cray this cycle. In fact, you almost felt sympathetic to the aging model during last night’s episode. Almost being the key word.

For next week’s episode we get a double dose of “celebrity” appearances. First we have the ever so popular annoying Kardashian sisters dropping by. The ladies show up during this cycle’s first runway challenge. I wonder what sage advice Kimmy K has to offer. Probably something like, make a sex tape, date athletes and have no discernible talent. Follow these steps and they too, can have a career on E! like her.

Also dropping by is Janet’s wacky older sister, LaToya Jackson. The “Entertainment Entrepreneur” (her profession on Celebrity Apprentice) shows up to give the girls pointers during the Michael Jackson-themed photo shoot. That’s right folks. The girls are emulating the “Thriller” singer during various points of his career. I can’t wait to hear Tyra’s explanation for this week’s creative direction.

Miss LaToya also pops up on the judging panel to help Nigel, Andre and Tyra with deliberations. I love how LaToya is now the go-to guest judge for these types of shows. First “RuPaul’s Drag Race” and now here. To be fair this cycle is pretty draglicious with Dominique, Isis, Lisa and Angelea in the mix. Check out this week’s preview pics below.