Thursday, 30 April 2009

Today I am out of my stock, as yester-night while my way back home under the affect of alcohol I dropped my bag. So I do not have cash and have to get my credit and debit cards blocked too! But that will come only after my daily dope, fags are no more effective! I am chocked. The Nigerian peddler, John is not taking my calls. All I can think of is to head to John’s place; I know he keeps all his stock in the second drawer of cupboard. I badly need a dope!

I wanted drugs every waking hour of day. I started doing drugs when my ex-boyfriend Akhil left me for someone else . He tagged my being possessive as schizophrenic mental disorder. While he dumped me, I found taking solace in the world of intoxication relieving and soothing. It best suited me, doing drugs made me feel normal and helped stop getting to past memories. I understood that drugs can be my partners for life. They make me feel good! Ensures that life is wonderful. I can be myself after doing it, as often I shout on the middle of a road at the top of my voice!

I reached John’s place to find the door locked. No one was inside and my craving did not stop me to try a hairpin which successfully opened the door. The dope stock was kept exactly where I thought it should be. I sniffed a dope and the stock was sufficient for a fortnight. Later I called up the banks to get my cards blocked, but someone had made purchase worth 75,000 from my credit card, thankfully my debit card was left untouched. I got those blocked and called up the police to report the theft transaction.

My untimely office hours were routine and I could not work without liquor. I have the liberty of doing fag, booze and drugs at my small cabin. Thankfully no one questions your habits at production houses! I saw John waiting near my house. I avoided him, but he followed asking for money and shouted, you stole the dope and if you don’t pay me you better know what I will do, he too was under the affect of drugs.

John, I tried calling you, but you did not take my call. I was running short of my stock and all what I could think of was to visit your place. I will pay you the money only when I get my debit card. You know it was stolen yesterday. So give me sometime. And I entered my house. He kept following and said don’t lie you b****. You know I cannot report this theft to anyone and you better pay me my Rs. 25k now!

I said, calm down John, I told you I don’t have money and don't make illegitimate demands as the stuff was worth 5K only. He started getting cheap and tried imposing him on me. I pushed him off but he was getting uncontrollable. All I could to was to smash his head with the vase kept next to my bed. The moment I banged it, he fell unconscious. I sat there expecting that he will be fine, and soon I realized blood started pouring out of his nose. I was scared, the idea of taking him to hospital seem impossible and I could not call anyone for help.

The door bell rang, who’s that I asked and the reply was it’s the Police!

I thought that the neighbors might have called up the police as John was shouting at me. Or may be its related to my lost bag. But anyways I cannot let them in. I will be arrested. What do I do? All I could think of was running away from the back door.

I straightway headed to my car and drove out fast. The fuel came to a halt at secluded area near Delhi Cantonment and was wondering that I just killed someone. Had I not been under the affect of drugs, I would have been better, but drugs induces happiness, otherwise life is bad without Akhil. I don’t have money and I cannot go back to my place.

Two guys in a bullet crossed by me, as they saw me inside the car, they made a turn towards me. I tried starting start my car to avoid encountering strangers at 2 am, but my car was out of fuel. The person driving the bike was in black t-shirt and military cargo, said do you need any help? I was shivering with fear, and my temperature was rising I said in a trembling voice, no thanks! I felt breathless and I wanted water plus the dope…… The guys were making a move when I called them, hey well I need some water. The other guy in basic blue denim and yellow t-shirt handed over water to me. But before I could hold it, everything blacked out and I fainted.

I wake up to know that I was hospitalized. The wall-clock read 7am, the guys were sitting on the sofa arranged perfectly in the room. A nurse came, changed the glucose bottle attached to the drip, and kept some medicines for me, while saying don't take these empty stomach. Have some food first and then pop them in.

I looked at the guys and asked why I am here? You fainted out of anxiety and you were high on drugs too! So we took you here. It’s a private hospital and hopefully you not face police problem. We could not locate your phone or anything in the car to contact your family, so please call them up (pointing at the phone next to the bed) or should we do it for you?

My instant reaction was, 'well I live alone'. I did not want to get my family involved in it.

The guy in yellow t-shirt got irritated and said, we have been with you for the past 5 hours; at least tell us who do we inform. The other one in black T-shirt gestured at him to keep quite. I tried taking the drip out of my arm. The guy in black t-shirt tried to stop me, while saying hey everything will be fine; you can share the problem with us.'

The other guy uttered, 'Shreyas you try and understand the matter, I am leaving! Call me whenever you intend to be out of this trouble' and he stepped out.

But I was not comfortable sharing anything with him.

The doctor stepped in and uttered a diagnostics saying, you have been big time into drugs! This can eat you up from inside. As I was uninterested, he looked at Shreyas, and carried on with his worldly talks, she may have to be admitted at a rehabilitation center. For the time being you can take her home and make sure she takes proper rest. It was like that the doctor did not know that we were strangers.

He wrapped up the stuff, smiled and should we go, or do you plan to stay here? I got up and followed him to his car. He asked where should he drop me, and I kept quite. He again made an attempt to strike a conversation by saying your car is parked at that place only, but it’s out of fuel!

I started shivering of fear and started crying! He insisted to know the problem and I poured the entire John episode. He kept calm and convinced me to file a police compliant. Shreyas and me went to the police station, where I learned that John was already under police custody. He was a notorious drug peddler and police was after him. The inspector informed that they came to my place the last night to arrest John. They asked a few questions about yester-night and lodged my compliant.

I had stolen enough dope to satisfy my craving for 15 days and was determined to locate a new peddler within 15 days. But I could not visit the pubs (which are hub for the peddlers) as I kept meeting Shreyas after office everyday. He is an Air Force Officer posted at Delhi Cantonment. I thought that I can be with him for life, but wasn’t sure if it was infatuation or a real feeling. We gelled pretty well. He did not know that I had sufficient stock of dope that I stole from John’s place.

Shreyas kept asking me if I am still consuming drugs. and everytime a blunt no, came from my side! I thought that this will make him feel that I am a nice girll, no more into drugs. I did not want him to go. We spent quality time together, where he would talk about air force, planes and working for the nation. I spoke endless on world of documentary film making and about following my profession passionately.

When my stock exhausted, I did not know who to head for. After gathering lot of courage I called up Shreyas. Hey Shreyas, Jia this side! Well I need a favour.

Yup tell me, I am there for you service Madam! But before you start, it’s my off today, should we go for a long drive, isn’t the weather pleasant, Shreyas replied with his always cheerful accent.

Okay we can go for a long drive indeed, and its going to rain today. Hey can you arrange some dope please? Shreyas I am really in a bad shape. I am chocking and I just need some dope. Please!

Don’t do drugs Jia please and I knew that he was going to say it.

I got impatient and said, don’t tell me what I should do or not do; I am independent enough to decide what’s good for me and what’s not. You cannot arrange dope for me it’s alright. I can manage and will probably contact some of John’s friends, though I knew none of his friends. I just wanted to convince him. And I hung up on him.

Shreyas called back but I lay helpless, unconcerned to take his call or talk to him. I went on nostalgia of Akhil, I realized that I missed him whenever I was not under the affect of drugs and wonder he would come back to me. At the same time I hated him for his fake feelings. It started raining outside and I tried to blend my soul into the sound of water droplets hitting the roof, of the plastic shed at the balcony. I cried like a kid for some time, and could not hear anything except the sound caused by rain. I remembered the days when me and Akhil took long walks in rain, unfortunately that time cannot come back. I realized my door bell was ringing constantly. My intuition struck that it could be Akhil, it should be him, and no one else.

I open the door, a courier boy stood; he handed over two parcels to me and got his notebook signed. It was duplicate copy of my debit card and Akhil’s wedding invitation. I froze for sometime, all I could think of was suicide! I felt betrayed, helpless and consuming some 45 sleeping tablets.

I got up at hospital, and my family was around. Of course Shreyas took me here, he was standing at the back quietly looking at me, as if he knew everything that I went through. And my parents were scolding at the same time consoling me. They convinced me to attend a rehabilitation programme to get rid of the compulsive intoxication. Shreyas use to meet me everyday at the 6 week rehabilitation programme I attended. And I felt like a princess with him around.

I don’t know if I and Shreyas will be together. But I learned a lesson of moving on! Starting Akhil and the drug insignia; I learned that one has to move out of past grudges. Change is the only constant and life may not shape up as desired. Taking refuge in something dreaded can never help as it eats up the soul. Many people start doing drugs after being cheated in love. I now look forward to life and now I will be working on a documentary against drug abuse!

Thursday, 23 April 2009

My day at office was the same. I understand that 10 to 6 office was getting monotonous and was not my cup of tea. But destiny took me here! I badly want something to scoop me off this predictability of weekdays and weekends. So as ritual I am heading for a walk at the beach. It sets me free, the waves and sound convey life isn't that bad.

While crossing the traffic signal leading to the beach I encountered him. I don't know if I ever wanted to see him or not, but there he was, calling my name, and waving at me to stop. I looked back at him and said a cold ‘Hi’. The expressions on his face said that he left no stone unturned to find me. He said, 'I want to talk to you, can you spare sometime’. We never had a formal break-up. I suddenly went into hiding and all he could do was to flood my mailbox with apology notes, expecting that I will reply.

I met him some five years ago, at a bungee jumping expedition organized by my college. The trip came as a dose for my craving of Adventure sports. I just cannot resist the thrill and excitement that comes with adventure. I was a few hundred foot above the ground. My friends were scared, but I was not. Adventure and thrill is in my blood. I love the intoxication of unpredictability, of the speed and the height. I was ready for it, the instructor briefed about the safety equipments, the posture I am suppose to maintain while jumping off and while hanging like a pendulum in between the sky and earth.

The instructor directed, there you go, 1… 2…. and 3…and I jumped with open arms to embrace the air and release myself to an infinite view. It is like diving deep into the air, and I could not stop to utter a loud Wow! The view was exhilarating and I felt like a bird, freely hanging in between the infinite sky and a never ending valley. I kept screaming of joy and excitement. The swings were tickling and got me goosebumps. The ecstasy of hanging got me laughing non stop!

Suddenly the knob tied to me slacked. I realized I was hanging on one knob and the other one broke! Everything came to a still, the excitement disappeared and I was shivering with fear. The thrill of speed at which I jumped was slowing as everything around was unhurried. I lost my balance and felt like a bird with an injured wing.

I shouted loud in the air, 'pull me up, the knob is broken'. I kept repeating the words, without caring if anyone is listening, or asking something, may be the instructor made an attempt to calm me down. But I was unfazed, I just wanted them to pull me up fast. I was restless and kept swinging across. Surely my restlessness was hindrance in the rescue attempt, but I was not willing to listen. Pull me up fast, I shouted back and realized someone’s saying with an effective voice, 'calm down everything will be fine.' The moment I heard it, I knew I was alright. Everything will be fine and I was calm. Within a matter of seconds I was pulled up.

My friends came to comfort me, but that was not required as I was alright, I was just okay, nothing happened to me. I looked up and I saw him standing right there, his voice kept echoing as he asked to me, are you alright? And offered me some water. I am Dhruv, the organizer of this trip. I looked up and I felt like slapping him and giving him a good lecture on importance of safety at such trips, as I just went through it, I had all the reasons to debate that adventure trip organizers should not be ignorant about safety.

What if the other knob broke? - which did not happen

I could have fallen into the infinite valley! - but nothing of that sort happen, I was pulled up safely

However I was fuming with anger, and the people around could make that out that. He politely said, I understand you must be angry, but such accidents can happen anytime, we took every precaution to ensure that you are pulled up safely. We have all the security equipments at place. My reply was, Ok! Well I am fine. Thank you! A blunt reply from my side and he made a move.

Later I forgot about the incident, and cherished the pendulum swing that I had at the bungee. Few weeks passed on smoothly with a rocking college life, and I went to celebrate my birthday at Eatopia. I was with my best of friends. As decorum, the Chocó Truffle cake was not meant to be eaten, but to provide a skin gloom therapy to my face. I just hated it, but friends will be friends! You can’t get angry at them. I made a move to the loo to clean up my face, while my friends were digging into the rest of the cake. I opened the door of the restaurant to head to the loo and here he is again, that guy that jerk, the organizer of that oh so awesome bungee trip!

And he said hi!

I replied hi, his gaze kept me hooked to him, and he smiled to say, it seems today is your birthday! Well yes, was my prompt reply!

Hey I just forgot your name, I said.

He replied with his distinct voice, I am Dhruv. And I hope you are no more angry with me, and I am sure that you enjoyed that jump?

Nice meeting you Dhruv, I am Vidushi. Am not at all angry, I cherish that day!

Nice meeting you too and happy birthday Vidushi, he replied.

I said, I have to rush to the loo, will be back in a while, why don’t you join us here? He seems to be in a rush and said, will catch up some other day. We shared our numbers, and we went our ways.

The moment I reached to the loo, an sms came on knocking, it was Dhruv, wishing happy birthday, and his treat is due! I replied, thanks sure, just tell me when you can spare time for the treat. We planned to meet the next day.

He got a big bouquet of white roses and a Chocó Truffle cake. I could make out that he was genuinely sorry for something that I don’t blame him for. That was just an accident and could have happened to anyone. We did not head for any restaurant and preferred staying in his car. That was a beautiful day, and it became a daily affair. We use to meet everyday after my college and spend time that use to run really fast. He as an entrepreneur was not answerable to anyone and had a perfect life. Besides he had all the time for himself and of course me! Everything he did just showed how much he cared and wanted to be with me, and I too wanted him to be around.

I will be passing out of college this year and I will certainly go for some entrepreneurial venture. I have many business plans in mind and I am sure Dhruv will be around. It’s been more than two years that we have been together, as friends, but we were meant to be more than friends. I loved him and knew that he loves me too, but its just that none of us have the courage to say this.

It’s his birthday and we were celebrating. He was upto something and my intuition said that he is going to say those golden words. But he was not that happy as he always was,. I could make out that he was scared of me saying no,! but for what he knows that I like being with him. I feel protected and cared for when he is around. We celebrated his birthday and while our way back, he said to me that he wanted to talk about something. I knew what that was about, and he pulled over the car.

See Vidushi, its not that easy to explain, as we both have enough understanding of each others feelings (I thought that he would pop in those words but he was still sad). Vidushi I have to go from Delhi and I may not contact you ever. This is the last day of our meeting, and our story ends here. While my mind kept saying he is lieing, please tell me that you are joking Dhruv, I was shouting from a non-vocal frequency.

I was numb, and kept looking at him till I realized that he was not bluffing. Dhruv I can come along with you, my college will be over, and we can be together. Please don’t say that as I cannot live without you!

He got restless and was rude while he said, I cannot explain you the entire story, and I have a big time opportunity to work across globe. I will be traveling and will live like nomads may be throughout my life and I do not wish to carry a burden of a long distance relationship with me.

The word 'burden' came as a big pain and I did not care to listen to him. I just stepped out, with a tough face, hired an auto and left. He did not stop me; I changed my number and did every possible thing to forget him. I knew that I can never love again. As his thoughts kept bugging me I took up a job in Mumbai.

Now back to present, we are sitting at a coffee shop. He started the chat; I tried contacting you, and dropped in many mails. I just wanted to convey that I am sorry. I did not go anywhere, but just tried finding you.

I kept quite, avoiding his presence.

He went ahead with his long apology speech, which I did not want to entertain. But still it feels good to learn that someone who did not respect your feelings, called being together a burden, is finally apologising.

He said, I know I did not value both of ours feelings. For the past three years I have been trying to find you, contacted your friends, but no one knew about your whereabouts. I love you Vidushi, I should have said this long back, but, I now realize my fault and we can be together. I am sorry for not saying those unsaid words.

Dhruv's speech went on for hours, but nothing seemingly convinced me, I kept numb. The day was different today; I was getting a cold heart, and could not take more of apologies. My only words were, I have to leave now.

He said he will not go unless I give him an answer – which implicitly should be to forgive him. But an answer to grief and sorrow of years can’t come instantly!

I know he was confused with unclear philosophies of life. But life is just simple and clear. No one should live life as a fable of confusions and philosophical lock-ups. Admit when in love and take it as a beautiful chapter to sort out issues. Living is no rocket science, its a simple biological mechanism, everything else is confusion!

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

I just don't get tired of this one! Turn it on a trillion times and I will be happy to see it again. This is a cute movie. The movie is narrated as a travelogue between Mumbai - Bhatinda - Manali.

It gets you hooked with simple yet stunning views, though the camera work has been from two angles only. The acting is imbellically simple and direction has been an example of clear cut vision. Read Imtiaz Ali's take on JWM

Kareena's acting has visibly evolved and caught the genere of her first movie 'Refugee'. She plays the character of a typical sikh girl, Geet. She has a big family and she is planning to elope with her boy friend as the guy is not a sikh. The girl just don't stop talking and is crazy to marry her boy friend Anshuman. Shahid Kapoor plays Aditya Kashyap. A businessman whose girlfrined ditched him, dad expired and mom is married to someone else. He looks at life with a prism of hopelessness. The lead characters meet in the train and the travelogue beguns.

The girl runs away from her house and her family is under the impression that Aditya is the one to trick her and leave the house. She goes to her boy friend but he refuses to accept her. She spends 9 months in Shimla expecting to convince Anshuman. It is when the family of Geet locates Aditya and ask him to call Geet.

A must watch for those who dont know how to come out of thoughts of past love. This one teached how to just flush it off.