why didn’t you get the buns?

He asked, “Why didn’t you get buns?” “I don’t know,” she answered. “You went out specifically to get buns,” he said. “I know. I changed my mind,” she said.

You see, she was going to the store specifically to get buns for supper. She went out of the house not really thinking about how she looked. When she got to the store, she realized she had on shorts. She felt fat. Her legs looked gross. She didn’t want to go in the store. She sat in the car and struggled with herself. Talking to herself. Telling herself she looked disgusting and then telling herself she looked fine, but still not being able to make herself go into the store. Back and forth. Back and forth. She came home instead.

This used to be me. Maybe not buns, but that doesn’t matter and that isn’t the point. I would be out and about and then decide to run to the store to pick up some things. I then realized I had on shorts. Big deal, right? It is a big deal to someone who is not comfortable with their body, or not comfortable with how they look. They see every single flaw in their bodies. They see every single chunk of fat. They see every single dimple of cellulite. They see everything wrong and nothing right. The wheels are falling off and nothing seems to get you out of the hole. No matter how many times someone tells you that you look good, you don’t believe them. The windows are so far down, you don’t know if they’ll ever roll back up.

It’s crazy how we get so caught up in how we look. It shouldn’t really matter how we look. I realize everyone wants to look good. I want to look good too. The line is crossed though when there is a right way or a wrong way to look. Everyone is totally different, and how cool is that? How can society, or anyone else for that matter, decide what is good and what is bad? It should not be that way. We need to stand up for ourselves. Perception is a choice. Being healthy is a choice. We get a choice in how we look. We get a choice in being healthy. Key word is choice. The ball is bounced to you. It’s up to you.

Negative body image and crappy self-esteem can take a long time to work through. Just know this, once you realize what is going on and once you start to figure this out, you need to own it. Once you own it, you can then begin to take the steps to work through it. Realize it’s your choice. Once you start that mental toughness of not caring what other people think of you, because really, you are the only one who should care about what you look like, then things start to change. Things start to feel different. You start to feel better about yourself. You start to toughen up. Beauty isn’t just on the outside. Everyone is their own kind of beautiful. Own it.

You have to search for it though. Find your nuts and bolts, find your center, find your core. Only then can you begin to get past the insecurities that haunt you. The insecurities that jump on you and don’t let you see the real you. When we are constantly telling ourselves negative things, well guess what? We start to believe them. We start to believe we look fat. We start to believe we look terrible. We get a shift in our mindset. We start to feel self-conscious. Make the decision to change. Make the choice to change. It does not happen overnight. It takes time. Get yourself settled in and get some popcorn for the movie. This is going to take a while. Don’t give up on yourself though, you are definitely worth it.

There is beauty in toughness
There is beauty in confidence
There is beauty in owning your shit
There is beauty in figuring this out
There is beauty in not giving a fuck about what other people think
There is beauty in feeling top shelf about yourself.