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I’m going to pretend that you’ve noticed that I haven’t written in awhile. I’ll save you excuses if you just agree to excuse me. Perfect. I adore that you can’t talk back. Directly at least.

So, to get you quickly up to speed, Guillaume and I broke up after 5 and a half years of togetherness. Guillaume moved out. I went to Florida. I got rejected by the manager I really really really wanted (gently rejected at least). I got invited to do level 2 at Groundlings. I went to Las Vegas. I went camping in Santa Barbara. I went on some auditions. I felt pretty freaked out about the general direction of my life on a few occasions. I got “retired” from 10 best because of the break up. I went to The Peoples Choice Awards. I am now looking to move. Some other stuff too, but I think one of us having a mild anxiety attack about all this change is quiet sufficient. Plus, I almost forgot, the rest of the world! I mean really, a lot is always going on out there and it’s sometimes quite a lot to take in.

Now that I’ve introduced some of these themes to you I will divulge some detail. So, me and Guillaume = splitsville. Although I was the instigator it was as much as a surprise to me as it was to every other party. We had a really sweet and cozy relationship but I started growing in a different direction and I realized I liked that direction, and that part of myself. There really isn’t an accurate way to explain these kinda of feelings without sounding too cold or too emotional so I’ll refrain from breathing any more artificial life into them There were relatively few tantrums and finger pointing pointing which, I think serves as a reminder of the success our relationship was and is. He has been my friend and partner over the last five years and despite breaking up I still hold him in really high regard because frankly, he’s an awesome person. Despite doing our best to be zen adults, nostalgia, I think is the greatest battle. The idea that you are moving on from a place that holds a lot of fond memories and the idea that you will stop knowing the thoughts and actions of this person that you have grown to know so intimately. I guess that’s the ying and yang of love though. Life seems to have a way of balancing itself out.

Anyways. I’m not sure if there is anything zen or some giant conclusion I can come up with other than life is short. Despite being quite often petrified of the unknown, I’ve never let that stop me, for better or for worse. So there’s that. And all the changes and discoveries that come with extracting your immeshed life from another persons. Your belongings, your identity, your collective goals, your bills, your dog, your feelings, your sense of direction.

In other news. I was in Las Vegas for my friends 25th birthday and had a most fabulous time. Despite having always thought Las Vegas was a dreadful place. I wrote about that venture in my very last publication at 10 best, which ended up ‘retiring’ me on account of my writing perspective no longer being “marketable” in my new found singledom. Blah. Ah well, frankly, if this is something I want to roll with I need to have my own voice anyways.

In other dire and drab news, I also turned down from the manager that I had gushed about a number of times. The good news though, it was a close game. I did the interview and I did quite well at it, she gave me a sturdy chunk of time which in the world of constantly feeling devalued as an actor makes you feel like a real-live-human being.She was honest with me from the get-go and said that this would be an inconvenient time to take on new, undeveloped talent as pilot season (January- March). It is the busiest time for working actors and their managers as that’s when all of next years pilot TV shows are being cast. And like I said, most of her clients are kinda big deals, and the ones that aren’t already in TV shows, she’s obligated as a good manager, to be spending all of her time to try and put in shows. And despite the wildly inaccurate voice in my head that sometimes tells me everything I want to hear, I’m not exactly ready to be staring in my own TV show, yet. She took a couple days to make the decision and said she thought I was really great and might be interested in meeting with me after pilot season which not only speaks about her legitimacy as a good manager but also her good sense.

In the meantime, it means I am back to square one in a variety of places in my life. The silver lining though, is knowing I have done it before and will do it even better this time because now I know just a little bit more. I figure, it’s not just the“facts of life” that count, it’s more about your experience and wisdom and growing as a person; rising up to handle new challenges better than I would have before. That said, I’m pretty terrified and pretty excited to build myself back up, better than before.

Oh, and because I know that you didn’t really care about anything that just went on in that last paragraph, The People’s Choice Awards were fun. I went with a friend that got tickets from a friend. I got dressed up and sat in the mezzanine and watched lots of stars collect awards. Is it strange that it brings me a sense of comfort that ‘the people’ have terrible taste?

2 Responses to “Vicissitude”

Go Girl! You have our support and sympathy – and all the love we can send. I am crazy about your writing – it is insightful and honest and you tell a story – which is a rare talent. I hope you and your friends (and Yogi) find a nice place to live. We look forward to the next installment. Great Big Hug and love XXXN