Addiction/Abuse

I have a very addictive personality & I have had some problems in the past. I've waisted a lot my life experimenting with different drugs. I never really had a drug of choice - just whatever I could get my hands on at the time. Until I found cocaine. I thought I was invincible, huge ego booster, I got things done. To me, it was the magical drug that fixed everything. I've damaged friendships, relationships with family, quit going to college, lost money & lost myself in the process. I knew I needed to straighten up my life but wasn't sure how to go from there. So I decided to join the military & get my life on the right track.

I did it! After joining the military, I didn't touch coke or any other drug whatsoever.

I have ADD & depression. While I was in the military, I was being medicated for the depression & it was no secret of how unhappy I was. I isolated myself, missed my family, on the other side of the country - away from everything & everyone I've ever known & loved. To cope with my feelings, I turned to alcohol. It was my go to - all day, every day & all night, every night. Alcohol intensified my depression to the EXTREME. I was done with everything, ready to toss in the towel & just give up. I wrote out a letter one night... a letter for them to give to my mother after they find my lifeless body in my dorm room. I didn't have a detailed plan or anything. I just got it ready. All I knew was at some point, sooner rather than later, I could leave everything & be done. I hit a low point. Definitely the lowest point in my life. My drinking habits were no secret & my supervisor decided to put me in a program called ADAPT (Air Force Drug & Alcohol Abuse Program). In the program, I had to attend meetings twice a week & turn in 'homework'. When you're put into this program, you have to sign papers saying you will NOT drink while you're in the program or there will be consequences.

Well, I continued to drink despite all the trouble I would get in if I ever got caught. And on September 10, 2015... I got caught. That night I received my first DUI. Luckily I didn't hurt anybody (thank god) but I was in pretty deep. My supervisor, first sergeant & commander had enough. They told me that I was going to treatment & I had no say - I WANT going.

So, 2 days later, I was on a plane to Wichita Falls, Texas. Mentally, I tried to fight it. I did NOT want to be there. Psssh, rehab?! That's for people who are on crack & heroine! I did not belong there. Eventually it got through my thick skull that I did in fact need to be there & it could only go up from here. After 60 long days of treatment in Texas, I was ready to go. I packed my bags to find out I wasn't going back to base. Instead, I would hop on a plane & go to Lafayette, Louisiana to a different treatment center for another 30 days.

After 90 days of treatment, I learned much more than I ever thought I would at a place like that. The friendships & bonds I've made at both places are unique, true, special & I intend to cherish those forever. I learned a lot about myself as well. Some things good, some bad - but all I needed to hear & acknowledge. Some things I learned are : things about myself, things I can and cannot control, coping skills with all different emotions & that just because the whole situation was unfortunate, it was needed & my life was not over. I was not a failure & I can turn my life around but ultimately, I have to want it change things in my life.

So I did just that. I took the tools & resources I got from both places & used them in my every day life when I returned home.

Today, I am thankful. Thankful for the opportunities & expieriences I've had & thankful for the Air Force for giving me the treatment I desperately needed and ultimately, saving my life.

I'm now separated from the military (honorable discharge - extremely lucky) & living my life happily back in good ol' Kansas. I've since then finished college, have a good job that I love doing, good friends, amazing family & my mind is in a good place. I still use techniques I learned in treatment & still have good, strong friendships I've made while being there.

Though I've struggled in the past & have definitely made some mistakes - I'm glad it all happened & couldn't ask for anything more. I'm beyond grateful.

Today, my mind, body & spirit are in a much better place now & it's hard to believe my mind was ever that sick- addicted, feeling useless, like a failure & ready to end my life. I'll never be perfect, but nobody is. However, I grow each & every day & will continue to do so. And on that note -

That's my story, thanks for reading.

If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, please reach out for help. You are not alone. It takes work & the want to do better, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Once you find that light, you will be so grateful & wonder why it took you that long. Don't ever give up. Learn to love yourself & know that you DO deserve better ❤