I don't know where to even begin. I know I have blogged about our girl and her what was diagnosed as a hearing loss. Here is what happened next:

After getting the news, we went to Facebook and asked for family and friends to pray for our girl. The responses we received were overwhelming!

We prayed every day. Most of the time, several times a day. Sometimes we quoted scripture, sometimes we prayed from the heart, and sometimes our tears were our unsaid prayers of our heart.

What started out as being scared and overwhelmed quickly started turning into resolve. And then something funny happened, it started turning into faith. Real faith. Scripture says in Hebrews 11:1 says: Faith being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see. And all of sudden we just KNEW it was going to be okay. I kept telling people that the Lord was going to heal my girl! And I believed it. I truly believed it.

My wonderful husband was believing for healing as well. However, he did ask on a few occasions if I would be okay if the Lord chose not to heal our girl at this time. I told him it didn't matter, she was going to be healed. But if that was the Lord's will, we put our trust in Him and it would be okay. Period. I have never in my life been this sure about anything. Ever. Looking back, that's kinda weird. lol But then again...not.

Our girl's ears popped a few times and such during the 2 weeks between the original diagnosis and the follow-up appointment. Between talks with her and observing things, we noticed it was like "someone" trying to find a station on a dial...tuning in. It was very interesting to watch.

During this time our girl heard on a song on the radio that she got very excited about. It was a new song, and we weren't sure of the name of it or the artist. But I wish you could have seen how excited she was about this song. She said it was "her song" right now. It was really encouraging and speaking to her. The song was by Mark Schultz and it is called "All Things Possible". I will post it later. It's amazing. It was perfect. And I was so proud of my girl.

Yesterday we had our follow-up appointment. It was amazing. The first person saw her old test results and called for another doc to come in and the do the re-test. She did not want a thing to do with it. That is not reassuring in least. But the new doc was extremely knowledgeable and very well educated. When the tests began I started pacing. (my girl was in a room that resembled a safe. She could not see or hear us, but we could hear her). There came a point where I started to pray again, then I let it go and just waited.

After her tests we were told that her hearing now was on the low side of the normal range, but was in fact NORMAL and that she no longer needed hearing aids!! My husband asked a ton of questions trying to get a reason for how this could have happened. How in the world did her hearing get so bad so quick, but then all of a sudden be so much better? There was no medical reason for it what so ever!! She couldn't give us one! In short, IT WAS GOD!!! He healed her!!! He stopped her hearing loss, and we are believing and praying that He is going to continue to restore her hearing!

I am in so much...shock...awe...you name it. You hear stories like this from others. But you never really believe it can happen to you or for you. I believe. Now I believe.

I am a sinner. I make a ton of bad choices and mistakes. There are things in my life I'm not ready to give up or don't know how to give up (like control). But it's so amazing to see that the Lord really does love us in spite of those things. He says "come as you are". He is bigger than I ever imagined Him to be. He answered all our prayers where our girl is concerned. Not because He had too, but because He wanted too. It's one thing to hear of the miracles in scripture, or to hear someone else tell of their miracle (like you reading ours now). But it's a whole other story to live it. It really does happen. Miracles really do happen!! I promise!! My girl's hearing is restored!!! Praise the Lord on high!!

Our girl had issues hearing. Of that I have no doubt. She cried over it. We had many talks over it. Several different doctors confirmed it (three total I do believe...maybe 4). There is NO medical explanation for her healing. It was God. To the Lord be all the Glory!! These things really do happen!! Don't give up hope for whatever you are believing in or going through. Trust that He knows best.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Friday, July 13, 2012

When I first got the news about the diagnosis about my daughter's hearing loss, I fell apart. I fell to floor, crying loudly and begging God to take my hearing instead. He could take my sight too if he wanted, but to not my girls. I just kept crying saying "No, no, no", over and over again. I kept begging to be the one instead. Then I started to calm down a little bit. I knew I had to pull myself together and make some calls.

Some of the calls to inform close family of what was happening ended up being for me I think. I found myself being encouraged. And all the feelings of failure and defeat slowly started feeling the tingle of hope and strength.

I have questioned why over the past 24 hours a lot. I have not yet received a concrete answer. I may never know why this has happened or what caused this. I went back over my daughter's entire life in my head, nit picking at things I could have done differently. Maybe this was somehow my fault. Now I had guilt. So fear, guilt, failure, defeat were all swimming around in me. Each taking turns punching me in the gut and ripping away at my heart. I felt like we were in this alone.

At some point in time yesterday the fog of emotions start to slowly clear (I'm not sure it's all completely gone yet, but we are well on the way!). I started to gain perspective. I realized my daughter was scared too. She was not happy with this at all. And what she needed most was support and for her parents to be strong for her when she couldn't be. I found my resolve. My pitty party was over. I may not be able to snap my fingers and fix this, but I did realize what I could do. I could be my daughter's advocate.

I immediately took to email and Facebook. I asked for prayer. I asked for family and friends who felt like it, to please lift my daughter and family in prayer right now. I summarized what we were dealing with and asked for prayers of healing, restoration, strength, comfort, joy,peace... That the Lord's will be done and that he receive glory from this somehow. I decided to get my emotions under control, and to pray and stand in faith that my girl would be healed. And that is what I am doing. God help me!

I wasn't real sure of what my online assault to family and friends would bring. Would I be offending them? You know what? I didn't care. All that mattered was my girl. I knew we had to try. And since then, I have been brought to tears too many times to count. Not because of what's going on with my girl, but because of all the love and support we have found from this.

People you never thought really (or expected) to be there for us have come out of the woodwork. I have old friends and new friends rallying behind our girl and promising to pray for her. I have had people I have known for years, and others I only have known through online connections, rallying to pray for her and standing in faith with us for healing for her. Some have re-posted to friends and on social networks, calling for prayer for my girl (and getting it!!). Others have gone to their churches asking that my girl be added to their intercessory teams' prayers or the church's pray groups.

What does one say to all this? Thank you just doesn't seem to be enough. Every time I receive another email or message, I am once again brought to tears by the support, caring, and promises of prayer we receive from them. It's all so overwhelming, but in the best of ways. "Thank you" just doesn't seem to be enough to say (and what do you do?) right now. What these friends and family members are doing is amazing. They are taking a part of their lives to pray for our girl. They are taking time out of their busy lives to stop and encourage us, and give us strength for this journey. I wonder if they even know how much that means to us? Do they know what a big deal this is, for them to do this? I really am humbled.

When you see the news, you begin to wonder about the kindness of man kind, and whether it still exists. You wonder if anyone out there cares for anyone but themselves anymore. I'm here to say they do. There is kindness in the is world. Sometimes, in the most unexpected places. So much of it, sometimes it takes your breath away.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

I have so many thoughts and words going through my head this night: Weary. Scared. Angry. Why? Defeated. Tired. All words that my mind keeps trying to push aside this night.

Things have been rough lately. And today, well, let me see if I can start to paint the picture for you (I'm not proud of ANY of this mind you, and am actually kind of embarrassed to put all this out on the "net", but you need to have a good idea). So here it goes.....

This year has been ... rough. I lost my Grandfather in Feb. And due to many different reasons, this lead to a huge hurt and left a scar in my marriage. So things have been rocky. We hoped a job opportunity had opened up for my husband at one point this year. It would have brought a much needed change into our lives, but alas, it wasn't meant to be.

Then there are the medical "oops"es. My husband has been the ER twice this year (early on). Once for hacking his hand with hatchet, and once for blowing out the end of his finger by accidentally hitting it with a mallet (meat and all). I had an ER visit as well along with one of my daughters. Her ER visit, however, turned into a few days stay in the hospital. And all this before our astronomically high deductible was even met (and it's still not met. =/ Yes our deductible went up this year and so did how much we have to pay just to have insurance. *sigh*) So you can imagine our medical bills right now. We owe THOUSANDS!! And now they are coming after us for full payment because what I can send them all a month is no longer good enough. Every day we are dodging calls. So life is real fun.

My husband got a "promotion" at work. We have come to find out that it is really no promotion at all. His pay never increased. In fact, they made it harder for him to make any money at all. Fun when you have bill collectors on your butt. =/ In fact, he got NO perks what so ever. However, he is now working harder and more hours than ever. Not fun for a marriage that is trying to get past some major hits.

In fact, things got so bad I had made an appt. to see an attorney. In fact, the appt was for today. Which is kind of odd.... But I'll get to that in a minute. So we have had emotional stress, marital stress, and financial stress all at once this year. We have been working on the marital stuff. It's not easy, but we are doing it and making it work. I think we are both very happy that I had cancelled my appointment with the attorney. We have learned to communicate better and are learning to know each other all over again. We are even learning to encourage each other, support each other, and lean on each other when needed. It finally feels like we have some real intimacy finally (not all intimacy is in the form of the bedroom people). I would say that our marriage being back on track couldn't have come at a better time. For today (the day I was set to see an attorney and start talks of a separation) we got news of a new battle on our horizon. One we will need each other for more than ever. One our children need us for.

My eldest daughter is 10. And she is funny, quirky, smart, and just plain amazing. Her favorite things to do are listen to music, sing, and write. She is an amazing writer. Sometime the end of May of this year she started complaining that her ear hurt. Before I knew it she said it was hard to hear out of her ear. So off the doctor we went. They found "nothing" wrong and said she'd be okay. Give it some time. So we waited. Over the passed several weeks it's gotten worse. Her ear no longer hurts, but she said the loss of hearing was worse. And we started to notice too. We would have to call her name several times and get loud about it for her to hear us. We'd have to repeat things for her. I was getting concerned. Then this week a ringing started in her ear. We saw the dr. again this morning. I had enough of "waiting".

The doc said it wasn't good. The ringing was cause for concern and she had some scar tissue in her ear. He sent us to see an ENT (ear nose & throat) specialist this afternoon. My girl failed 2 out of 3 tests. Both the technician and the doctor agreed, my girl was losing her hearing and it looked like she would need hearing aids in BOTH of her hears.

WHAT!!! Are you kidding me?

They couldn't tell us why this was happening, or if it would get continue or even get worse. We have no answers at this time. They want to retest her the week after next.

My girl is only 10. And she is frightened. And I don't blame her. I wish I could take this away for her. I wish there was some kind of medicine I could give her for this to fix it, but I can't. One doesn't exist. I can't fix this. And all day I have questioned every thing I have ever done and wondered if it was enough. As a mom, a part of you feels like a failure when you can't fix it. It's part of the "mom" gene I guess. I just want her to be better. I want her to be okay. I want her healed. But most of all, I want to be whatever she needs me to be for her right now.

All the words above have circled my brain endlessly today. But through all my tears, I am trying to pull myself together. My daughter needs me strong, not scared. And if she does end up with hearing aids, well, we are going to celebrate that and she is going to rock those little devices! lol (btw, did you guys know that insurance does NOT cover hearing aids? I think that stinks! That cost thousands of dollars. Not sure how we are going to swing that one if needed. Praying that IF this is God's will, He will make a way).

The truth is we don't know why this is happening. And depending on the tests in two weeks, we'll know how rapidly the loss is progressing, if it's progressing (which they suspect it is), and what this may mean for us all in the future. I feel lost in limbo. It feels like I'm in the middle of some kind of waiting game that is cruel. Judging from what I have seen and heard and been told, things do not look favorable for my girl and her hearing at all. Today may very well be the day our family dynamic changed. We'll see.

You know what though? It's going to be okay. I'm praying a lot right now. And many friends have rallied in support and prayer with us. It's been amazing and we are all deeply touched. How awesome are they?! We are praying for strength, comfort, joy, peace, healing, and restoration. And I'm believing that my daughter's hearing will be healed. My God is a BIG God. With Him, NOTHING is impossible. I believe in miracles, and I believe in the One who makes them. I am trying very hard to stand on this right now. It's not easy.

I'm still in some shock over today's events. I go from feeling defeated in life this year, to standing on the promises of God. Wishy washy. That's what I am. But that's not what I need to be. I need to strong, for my girl, for my family. Hard to feel like you can be strong when you feel beat up by life sometimes. It has not been an easy year so far. However, that is where the prayer for strength comes in. I believe He will give me the strength (and I pray the grace) to be what I need to be for my family during this time.

Our biggest prayer is that, no matter what, God receive glory from this, one way or another. I'm not sure how, but I know there is a way. God has a plan. And I have to believe it is for good, even when I don't understand.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Change has hit my family once again. The kind we have no control over. The kind others bring upon you. The kind that has the potential to either be great, or totally devastate us. And yes, I'm scared.

Change is always scary. It's different. It's takes out of our comfort zone. And even when our comfort zone may not be all that comfortable, we tend to want it more than we ever do change. At least it's familiar. At least we know how to function in "the zone". Change is scary because we never really know what it's going to mean or what is going to happen next. Sure, we may have some idea sometimes, but the truth is it could go either way. And it's the fear of it turning bad, of it being failure, of it being devastation; that can paralyze us. The fear of not knowing, of not being comfortable anymore, not having a guarantee of success; not knowing is scary. And yes, I'm scared. Fear is definitely present. And yes, it is just about paralyzing.

I keep thinking I hear that still, small voice that I have come to know over the years whispering to me that it's okay. He's got this. And when I stop and just think on that, I can literally feel the blanket of comfort and peace start to come over me. But then fear rears it's ugly head again. And it's voice is so much louder. Sometimes it even seems to be shouting.

What if I'm wrong? What if it isn't the voice of Him who loves me? What if I'm being deceived? What if this all "goes to hell in a hand basket"? Ah fear.... the doubts it brings are awful. And it always makes you imagine and start believing the worse. *sigh*

I think that the immediate feeling I get of comfort and peace says a lot about that "still, small voice". I think that I am right in trusting in it, in Him. I don't know how this is all going to work out, but I have to believe that the Lord has a plan for us. And I have to believe it's good. (Jerm. 29:11 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.)

Father, I come to you tonight admitting I'm scared. I don't know what our future holds, but You do. Yet again I am reminded that control is only an illusion here. I really have very little of what I think I have. And I give up what control I think I have right now to you. I place this change and our future in Your hands alone oh Lord. Be in this. Guide us. Protect us. Help us make it. In Your hands I know I can trust whatever happens to be for the better good. Please help me personally through this. Help me be supportive. Help me not give into fear. And please forgive should I slip, and help lift me back onto the path that is Yours. This is Yours, Lord. We are Yours. Take care of us, please. I may not trust in man, but I do trust in You. Help me to continue to hold fast and build in that trust in You. I pray this is a blessing to us (and somehow to your kingdom). I thank you for answered prayers. In Jesus name this I pray, Amen.