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A woman telephoned her local newspaper to let them know that she had just given birth to eighteen children. The reporter didn't quite hear the message and said, "Would you repeat that?"
"Not if I can help it," replied the woman.

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Reporter: My editor sent me to do the burglary.
Policeman: You're too late - it's already been done.

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Reporter: To what do you attribute your old age?
Old Man: To the fact that I was born in 1890.

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Reporter: What made you go out on that dangerous pond ice and risk your life to save a friend?
Boy Hero: I had to do it. He had my skates on.

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Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.