WHEN I'M NOT HERE, I'M THERE

Hello, Mr Darcy.

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a warm-blooded woman in possession of good eyesight, must be in want of some gratuitous pictures of Colin Firth."

Jane Austen. (Probably.)

If you were in Britain and had a pulse in 1995, you will remember the phenomenon that was the BBC's adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. It was a classic of the genre, the standard against which all subsequent attempts should be judged. Memorable performances abounded - Julia Sawalha as a giggling, brainless Lydia, Jennifer Ehle's moon-faced beauty and expressive eyebrows, the wickedly caddish portrayal of Wickham by that bloke off Peak Practice - but none permeated the public consciousness like The Man Himself. For me, there will only ever be one Mr Darcy: Oscar-winner and all-round charming man, Colin Firth.

We all know I like a man in period attire, and I can only assume that being exposed at such a tender age to the sight of Colin Firth striding across the lawns in all his manly, dripping glory had more than a little to do with it. That famous lake scene isn't even in the book (he simply walks round a corner - DULL), but what a stroke of genius it was. In one seemingly inconsequential scene, Darcy goes from Mr Uptight Stick-Up-His-Arse to a sensuous man, glistening with sweat, so desperate to feel the cool waters against his skin that he throws propriety (and his clothes) to the wind and surrenders to a deeper, physical urge. Also, you can kind of see his nipples through his shirt. It's steamy stuff.

But what, you might wonder, has prompted this little trip down memory lane? Is this just turning into a blog about on-screen hotties of yesteryear? Sadly not. Colin Firth has been on my mind recently for a very specific reason. This reason:

That's right, people. MR DARCY IS MOVING IN NEXT DOOR. Kind of. Okay fine, he's not technically *moving in*. And that is not technically *my* house, since I haven't actually lived with my parents for the better part of a decade. But Colin Firth is shooting a film all this week mere yards away from the house where I grew up. The very house, in fact, where I first saw him dive into that god damn sexy lake.

Oh yeah, and Nicole Kidman is in it too. Just a couple of Hollywood A-listers, hanging out on my street. No big deal.

As you can imagine, North Berwick is all a-flutter. This is the most exciting celebrity happening in the town since Ronnie Corbett appeared in support of the Save The Outdoor Pool campaign. My mum reports higher than usual traffic along our section of the beach, with people casually strolling first one way, then the other, attempting to appear disinterested while twisting back over their shoulders hoping to catch a glimpse.

The couple who normally live in the house in question have decamped to a neighbouring flat and the decoraters have moved in, transforming it beyond recognition. North Berwick's usual sci-fi-esque streetlamps have been replaced on our street with original 80s fittings, bathing the terrace in a retro orange glow. Soon, though, it will be basking in the bright white light of superstardom emanating from the perfect, screenworthy features of Colin and Nicole. (See how we're on first name terms already?)

Regrettably, I probably won't get to hang out with Col and Nic personally, since they have quite selfishly scheduled filming to take place while I'm at work. I did manage to snap some behind-the-scenes pictures on Saturday though, and my mum has promised me frequent updates, which I will no doubt be relaying on twitter and which I'm sure you're all very excited to hear. "I think I just saw Colin's arm in the window!" "Nicole's assistant's assistant just walked past the back gate!" That kind of thing. In a happy coincidence, Isla has just had her final jags and is now free to run around outside - I think there's a strong chance she might "accidentally" run into Colin Firth's trailer...

So, how was YOUR weekend? See any Hollywood A-listers? Snuggle any puppies? Take any pictures of lampposts?

My husband's friend's girlfriend's father is Blake Morrison, whom (? oh grammar) The Delectable One played in the brilliant film adaption of the autobiographical novel "when did you last see your father." So we are practically besties *cough*.

I once spent an entire summer stalking Gwyneth Paltrow as she was filming a movie behind the costume shop where my friend worked. It's the move where she has to wear a fat suit for most of it.

I did actually see her a few times & I remember mostly being shocked by just how skinny she was. whoa. And then I thought: I am looking at someone who used to fuck Brad Pitt. Incredible. & then I went on my merry little way.

Well, another hectic day in the Hollywood of East Lothian. Haven't seen Colin, sadly, today but saw Nicole very close up.She is SO pale, pretty, skinny, tall, has a brown bob wig and slightly boring 80s clothes. Wednesday is the big day, filming in the street and on the beach, so that should be fun.However, no parking allowed (our cars are too modern and currently a Triumph Stag parked outside the house they are using) so not exactly sure where we are all going. Am planning on taking Isla out for a stroll and if that doesn't get their attention as they get into their limo, nothing will!

There is so much I love about this post. Kirsty, your photoshop skills are incredible, and Mr Firth is delectable. Isla is super cute, Lauren's story about stalking Gwyneth is ace, and your mum's update is riveting. I'll be glued to twitter awaiting updates, with Bridget Jones' Diary on in the background.

we were walking along the beach today and seen all the film crew and stuff so ended up hanging about ages. Unfortunately didn't see them :( think they must have did the outside filming after we left! So gutted, don't suppose you know if they are filming there tomorrow and outside?

I think Wednesday was the only day they were doing outside filming, sorry! People have been managing to catch Colin for autographs and pictures at the end of the day when he leaves, so might be worth a try - Friday's the last day.

Wait. WAIT! Isla? Did I miss something? This is your mum's pup? You didn't get a new one, did you? I'm so confused! She had jags? Are jags... normal? Are jags good? Is she okay? I'm SO CONCERNED. My uncertain Americanness is just SPILLING ALL OVER THIS BLOG.

*hyperventilating*

This is exciting! I am so excited that you have stars filming that close!

So, Isla is my mum's puppy (here's her first appearance). She is significantly cuter than Smidgen but I'm trying not to get a complex about it.

Jags are just a word for injections, like the normal ones a puppy has to get before they're allowed outside, so she's fine.

And yes, there is bunting draped all over my house. That one's actually from the wedding (oops, sorry Lillian and Leonard, let's pretend I credited you properly) when my mum turned our house into a giant maypole. She was very excited :)

(To clarify - "jags" is a *Scottish* word for injections. Jaggy = something sharp, like a nettle or a thistle or an irritating label on your collar. Not to be confused with "jabs", which I think English people call injections. So there you go. Now you can be Scottish too! Try to use it in a sentence today. Tomorrow's word: "boak".)

Haha! I am a Jane Austen (and particularly Pride and Prejudice) fanatic, but was sadly not in the UK in 1995, so had the joy of first discovering that lake scene much later on, a few years ago. But your writing about it made me laugh so much because my husband always says that thousands of British girls of his age had their sexual awakening while watching that scene of Mr Darcy. Seems he was right. ;)