Everyone in this room has been associated with WhiteyEither through basketball or the mall or various oddJobs he does around town for free or at most a dollarAnd I'm guessing 99% of you have either laughed in Whitey'sFace or ruthlessly made fun of his feet or voice or sisterOr shortness when he wasn't lookingBut the next time you'd see him he'd still go out of his way to Smile and wave at you and ask you about your mother'sOperation or something like that because he, unlike us,Actually cares about someone other than himself

The reason I bring this up to you is because I was the worstOffender of allMy life was simply going nowhereThen a tiny little man rushed to my sideHe should've gotten a big thank youInstead he got a Porta-Potti ride

I was such a shitheadBut he never quit on me'Til I told him he was uselessAnd his sister was freakyOnce when we were watching Sunday footballA fuzzy screen was all that we could seeWhitey came over with a hangerAnd spent the game atop our T.V.

And when the lightning struck himHe let out a wicked, loud yellBut we just turned up the volumeAnd ignored the burning smellWe should all rot in hell

I went to high school with WhiteyAs a joke I told him to meet me at the promWhen he got there, I said: