The Jackhammer Massacre

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All Rise...

Mr. T never had as potent an anti-drug message as this film, says Judge David Johnson.

The Charge

Don't do drugs!

Opening Statement

Who would have thought a harmless little PCP addiction could turn a
mild-mannered businessman into a raving jackhammer-wielding lunatic? Well, watch
the descent here, in The Jackhammer Massacre, and prepare to be wowed by
a psycho who's able to kill people with the most awkward, impractical industrial
device a psycho can choose, and maybe learn a thing or two from this cautionary
tale about the dangers of drugs.

Facts of the Case

There once was a man named Jack (Aaron Gaffey). Jack was a businessman. Jack
was rich. He drove a shiny sports car. He wore nice clothes. He had a nice
house. But one day Jack made a mistake. Jack tried drugs. He liked the drugs.
They made him feel good. They made him feel like a neon blimp. He took more and
more drugs. Jack took so many drugs he forgot about his job. And his shiny
sports car. And his nice clothes. And his nice house. Jack cared only about the
drugs. More and more drugs. And more drugs. Jack started to hang around with
people who liked drugs. He stopped talking to his family. He liked to sit on a
ratty couch and inject drugs into his arm. He made friends with a topless skank.
She had her nipples pierced. He took more and more drugs. His arm started to get
sore and red and yucky. Jack had a friend who liked drugs a lot. But he died.
Jack was so wasted. He started to see his friend's ghost. His friend told him to
start killing people. Jack picked up a jackhammer and went to work. He hid in an
old warehouse and took his drugs. One day a salvage crew came. They didn't know
Jack was there. They walked around making noise. A boy and a girl started making
out. They were horny. Jack turned on his jackhammer. And the blood started to
fly. All because of drugs. The End.

The Evidence

I can appreciate what the minds behind The Jackhammer Massacre were
trying to do. Yes it's highly derivative of pretty much every single slasher
movie ever made; but for a low-budget gore romp, the flick does a few noteworthy
things that elevate it beyond waste-of-time dreck. Unfortunately, some
snail's-pacing toward the end, along with a few moronic moments, end up dragging
the flick down, ultimately sentencing it to the mediocrity bin.

The bulk of the first half of the film concerns Jack Magnus's introduction
to drugs and his downward spiral into self-destructive addiction. As a
"scared-straight" anti-drug tool, The Jackhammer Massacre may
be effective in high-school health classes. Director Joe Castro really lays the
explicit drug use on thick. Jack and his cronies huddle in ratty apartments and
pound narcotics into their lungs and veins, and hang around with questionable
women, and foam at the mouth a lot.

It goes without saying (but hey I'll say it anyway) that Castro certainly
goes over the top with his imagery—e.g., Jack's spectral best friend, his
outrageous transformation into a brutal killer—but what do you expect from
a film with the words "jackhammer" and "massacre" in the
title?

On that imagery note, the strongest aspect of The Jackhammer Massacre
is the gore. Joe Castro has a deep background in special effects; his gore
effects on this movie are very well done for what was surely a limited
budget.

The scenes of Jack injecting drugs into his ragged, puss-dripping veins were
particularly unnerving. As someone not too keen on needles, I can assure you I
cringed often. And when old Jack unleashes the titular murder weapon, Castro
really lets the Karo syrup fly. A jackhammer in the mouth, a shot to the
shoulder, a crushed head—well done!

The movie stumbles toward the end, when the salvage crew/jackhammer fodder
show up. These people are absolute idiots. One guy sees Jack coming at him with
the jackhammer pounding away, and literally stands still with his hands up in
the air screaming. Needless to say, he is appropriately wasted. The heroine, the
head of the salvage company who is so horny she can't keep from making out with
one of her employees, slips into female-in-peril mode something fierce and
starts doing stupid, stupid things. Sure, she refuses to escape,
preferring to instead run back into the dark lair of the murderer. And yes, she
does a lot of shrieking and zero problem-solving. But that's not the worst of
it.

You see, the villain attacks with a jackhammer, and it's plugged in, and
wherever he runs, there's an extension cord draped over his shoulder. So, you
would think our girl would know that extension cords are actually finite.
Nope—she opts to stay within Jack's outlet-radius. But that doesn't
matter, because Jack won't die, since Castro pulls the
"villain-lying-still-with-his-eyes-closed-but-then-suddenly-opens-them-and-looks-pissed"
routine way too many times. For a near-dead, emaciated, burned-out,
recently-stabbed-with-a-drill junkie carrying a 50 pound jackhammer, Jack is
shockingly resilient. All of this is compounded by the fact that the whole
stalking and lurking phase of these sequences is tedious and suspense-free.

The video is okay, in that bottom-of-the-barrel kind of way, but the
full-frame transfer is regrettable. There is some grain to be seen, and that
earns a few demerits. The 2.0 stereo mix is neither effective nor worthless.
It's just kind of there, and does its job without note. A largely technical
commentary, sprinkled with a few anecdotes (Did you know that the two stars
had thing for each other are anticipating their on-screen kiss? How
titillating!) by the director and cast members accompany the feature. Oh,
and no scene access!

Closing Statement

Points awarded for the gore and makeup effects—but the moronic
characters, the lifeless slasher clichés, and the meandering pacing keep
this flick from escaping the Void of Forgotten Horror Movies.

The Verdict

The accused is mandated to watch the 12-part video series The Absolute
Worst Horror Movie Missteps and How to Avoid Them No Matter How Tiny Your Budget
Is.