Sunday, November 25, 2012

My dear future adopted twins/or IVF babies
I am quite sick this certain day today so I started thinking about how life was going to shape up ten years from today. The first thing I thought about was a job . I realized that really did not make me very happy, so I thought about important things like if Masterchef would still be on and if Leonardo di Caprio would have finally won an Oscar. Then I thought a little bit about my parents and that is how I came to think about my children. Now , when you are old enough to read this , you will not get offended by the fact that you come after the DiCaprios of the world, but realize that your mother is a woman with many interest and you are not one of them . I will raise you to be secure enough to not judge my love and my 22 year old self.
I want you to know today that even though the idea of matrimony or any committed relationship seriously repulses me , I have very much always wanted to have kids. In fact I would love it if you were two little boys , for I would love to be one of those women who bring up men right. I will need a lot of help to not let my brand of cynicism and disbelief infect you , but trust you me, two very healthy and crazy little boys you will be. If you are girls , then boy I am going to be in trouble. I have not been able to raise myself right , how am I ever going to be good with you ? So have penises ok ? Or else , be the kind of girls who think I am COOL and not dysfunctional.
The most important purpose of this letter is to tell you why you shall never know a father. Loving my own father a great deal , I can understand why a child would want to know and have a loving father. Unfortunately , you will have grandparents , uncles and seriously a lot of aunts (I believe in girl-friends) but sadly a father I cannot provide. I am going to try and explain to you why you will be deprived of one.
When I was in school , I made the mistake of reading and romanticizing classics. Now where do I find a Mr Darcy to take down a few notches ? A Rhett Butler to emasculate before he rapes me ? Oh the Heathcliffs and Tridibs !!! The men in literature have really let me down. I cannot find a suitable man who interests me enough to take on the project of busting him down to scratch and reinventing him.
Also , the women who seem to locate these illusive men even in books have been a let down. They either have 16 inch waists (which lets face it, anyone who likes dessert cannot !) or because of their historical position , run out of options to do anything else. So I decided that literature must do it for me. I believe in stories . Sadly , it is a dying art you know story telling. I haven't heard a good one in a very long time. But don't you worry, I have a few to tell and share and I am sure by the time you are old enough to want them, I would have collected a few more.
Let me tell you , stories are very important. Never be with anyone who doesn't leave you behind with a good enough story. I got stuck with the Peter Pans and the Victorians - wanting my stories and novels.Sensual pleasure is all very good , but it has to spectacularly bizarre to create a story that lasts.
Now I don't hate men. I love men , in books , in movies, in the lives of others . And you know I haven't been soiled for love by any man either. I was always lucky enough to meet really nice men , who were particularly nice to me. I think I scare men a little. I have been known to laugh myself silly on others' accounts. It is just , I could never love men the way they want to be loved. And I know I never can , for that is something which does not create a story. A fulfilled love story makes for fairy tales, and I seem to have grown out of perfect resolutions. So half -assed attempts and perfect could- have- beens I cherish.
I read Simone de Beauvoir twice you know , for a class. I just got stuck there then. I could never put myself through institutions which so demean women and so typify them. I have to have made some change , if only in my life.
So there , that is why all you will ever have will be me. I will just have to do. And then maybe , you can be such amazing men that a girl like me will want to throw away her ideology for you so nullify her theoretical propositions. That would be worth bringing children into the world. We will have dogs , and books and music and movies . And we will have all the normality around us - but in our difference, I guess we might make a better normal.
Lots of love and even more promises
Devika.
P.S. It is the lack of true heroes and freaks which has made so many of us so despondent. So be a man and pick your poison.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

What happened to us ? You and I were going to be amazing. Our sex wasn'nt supposed to be awkward - we were supposed to get along with each other's friends , we should have liked similar food .
When did we fall apart ? When did our charming repartee turn into a disgruntled banter ? When did you and I stop listening to each other ? When did the stories we had about our lives get entangled so badly in the reality of our lives that we were both backed against the wall ? When was the first time that you purposely pushed me harder against the wall ? When was the first time I bit you too hard and you bled ?
Where were we when we stopped realizing that we were both silent ? Where was it that you and I realized that we no longer felt at home ? Where will that place be where you and I will find peace ?
Who was it that first called the others' bluff ? Who was the first one to give up ? Who was the last one to call the other ?
I loved you. You loved me. The loving is causing all this pain.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

There should be rules, where you are concerned. I would love to break them all and make you see how silly they are . Rules to break, hearts to take, lives to make . So much productivity from shattering your world. So much fertility in destroying your belief system. So much work to do while I try to love you , and so much hating to deny while you love me.
Love is unreal - not surreal. It is made from one person overpowering the other or two people compromising on everything.Or so it is as it happens to me. The power politics of bulldozing whatever you believed me to be, and creating you as I want you to be is worth only for writing stories. Love never gives me comfort - its constant action.
So, when we sleep together it is still work for me. I am tired from all this loving. I can't do it anymore.
The problem is -you don't love me the way I love you.I love your clothes, your hair ,your career, your poems,the songs you listen to, the pictures you like on facebook. I have to destroy all that is wrong with you to love you -while you want to talk me into being okay with what you are , you want me to love you less.
So lets not love each other anymore -lets try atleast. Lets try to fall apart and still hold onto the frayed seams.
For you and I love differently - but oh, the saddest thing is ,we both love so well.
Your love and my love will only destroy you and me.You want to know WHO I talk to and I want to know HOW YOU TALK. You are about people and I am about technique - we are both holding onto the wrong ends of the right argument.
You and I are always there - forever judging ,forever disapproving .
Love is a dangerous concept which we both read differently - our loves are incompatible,but the tragedy is the fact that we are so compatible.
So burn ,die and rot in hell -while I drown , break and fall to pieces ,for both of us are meant to end- dissatisfied and loved, but oh loved wrongly.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

And so I quit the police department
And got myself a steady job
And though she tried her best to help me
She could steal but she could not rob

- The Beatles
Sullen -faced , moody, grumpy she sits. She has hate in her mind but oh! so much love in her heart. She wants to give it all, hate and love to the world - and nobody wants any of it.
Bit by Bit - she gets fuller, full of love and full of hate - nobody wanting any , all of it sitting in her . Her eyes go in , her body blowing up - she is going to burst.
Nobody sees her , Nobody wants her. She is sitting alone - forever fertile, forever loving and hating. She does not FIT - in the world of mixed emotions who wants her purity, who wants her chastity.
She is convulated now - blowing inside out. A bouyant figure , she floats above. No one holds onto her, No one puts her down. She will float , hitting stars and meteors.
'AND UP SHE GOES IN HER FLYING MACHINE, AND UP SHE GOES ....'