Not our headline but a quote from the Daily Express website today. The irony is obvious considering that the Express has been waving the Brexit flag for years and slagging the EU off at every available opportunity with a barrage of unfounded accusations. This from a “reputable” news outlet (Questionable at best) that tried to pin the blame for the Grenfell Tower atrocity on the EU.

With all due disrespect, it’s a bit fucking late to be telling your bottom-feeding readers that Brexit isn’t actually such a good thing at all, that it’s going to cost us a fortune and that we’d have been better off not touching the Express’s flagship “policy” with a bargepole. What’s good for Mr Desmond isn’t necessarily good for the morons who have voraciously devoured all the bollocks it’s printed over the years.

Quelle surprise!

Still, if we’re to believe any of their bollocks it won’t be so bad after all. We’ll all be wiped out by a rogue asteroid, taken over by the Lizard People or wiped out by some cataclysmic weather event before the full effects of a cliff edge Brexit kick in.

As if a disastrous election campaign wasn’t bad enough for Theresa May and the Conservatives, they now appear to be looking for a coalition with the Democratic Unionist Party in order to hold a razor thin majority in Westminster – a move which is sounding alarm bells in all quarters.

It seems it’s perfectly acceptable for Theresa May to form an alliance with a bunch of right wing religious zealots in order to cling on to power by her fingernails, yet when Jeremy Corbyn held conciliatory meetings with the IRA he was lambasted as the devil incarnate.

Clutching at straws, consorting with terrorists and jeopardising the Northern Ireland peace process by making deals with a group involved in a multi-million pound solar energy scam which almost bankrupted the province isn’t seen as the way to go by anyone – not even May’s fellow Tories.

She really is in an untenable position, and obviously in denial.

We’re predicting she’ll have no alternative other than to resign on Monday, as the desperation increases and reality kicks in. The only possible outcome is that she’ll be issued with an ultimatum by her own party.

She won’t accept being unceremoniously booted out leaving resignation as the only option.

Is this possible? Could Theresa May’s continuously gurning visage be a side effect of uncontrolled lemon sucking or is it just a load of old nonsense? We contacted the quack doctor who made the outrageous claim and this is what he told us: [Read more…]

Reports are suggesting that UKIP are set to roll out a programme of free online remedial English lessons for its members who comment on the DAILY EXPRESS website after a study found that 99.7% of kipper comments were “frankly quite fucking embarrassing,” according to an insider.

“No wonder the public at large think UKIP members are as thick as bollocks,” said UKIP representative Paul Nutter. “I’m all in favour of taking our country back – but not for these fucking idiots. They’re an embarrassment. They don’t even seem to have a grasp of the basics, like punctuation and when to use capitals, and when it comes to the difference between there, their and they’re – they’re fucking clueless.

“They’re the same with your and you’re. And let me tell you I’ve wept tears of blood at the number of times I’ve seen people wanting to reclaim our “boarders.” It’s a disgrace really, when the migrants speak better English than the natives, so we’re rolling out this education programme.

“I very much doubt it’ll have much effect. To be honest I’m thinking of defecting to the Tories.”

The feisty woman issued the intimidating statement in the bar of a Salford hotel late last night. Responding to a question posed by a fellow patron regarding Donald Trump’s wandering hands, the woman – who according to sources takes no shit from anybody – emphasised that should Trump ever lay his grubby mitts on her then she’d rip his nut sack off.

“She didn’t specify exactly how she’d rip Trump’s ball bag off,” said a witness. “So it’s open to interpretation whether she’d rip it off with her teeth, her bare hands, or use some kind of tool like mole grips or something…”

“I’ve known her for years,” a source told us. “And believe me she’s not the kind of woman you’d want to mess with. She used to be married to a local gangster until he upset her over something or other and he was so scared of her that he fled the country. There’s a rumour that she had him rubbed out and then buried in the foundations of the new Coronation Street set, although it is just a rumour. She can be pretty scary though and that’s a fact.”

A spokesman for Donald Trump advised us that there’s little chance of Trump ever encountering the feisty woman as he doesn’t visit Salford much, adding that Trump wasn’t overly concerned by the prospect of having his ball bag ripped off by anybody. Apart from possibly Hillary Clinton, but in more of a figurative than literary way.

Crap online so-called comedy website www.cafespike.com today announced a change in its editorial policy by stating that it was abandoning its previously unsuccessful leftard PC liberal stance and embracing rampant xenophobic right wing extremist politics.

“We were going nowhere fast,” Cafe Spike’s Editor, Martin Shuttlecock announced this morning. ‘Nobody seems interested in anything we have to say about fairness and social justice so we’re going to start appealing to the type of frustrated psychotic wanker that writes in the Express comments sections.

“An awful lot of people seem to be interested in the inflammatory right wing bollocks spouted by the likes of Donald Trump, Nigel Farage, Katie Hopkins and the fuckwits at the Daily Express so that’s the direction we’ll be going in from now on.

“Besides being a sound business decision it’s much easier to just make up scare stories blaming migrants for everything, so that’s what we’ll do, starting today.”

Success for women comes at a price. Cue UKIP. Cue Diane James, newly elected UKIP leader, breaking glass ceilings, breaking down sexist barriers, and getting her just desserts for the fruits of her labour…

A monster kiss from Nigel Farage. Ouch. Nobody deserves that.

Not even Diane James. Not in Bournemouth either – even though Bournemouth has been named as the UK’s most right wing city. Nothing spectacular about Bournemouth, just a dip in the cliffs, a pier and a crap fairground.

And Nigel Farage lacking only a ‘Kiss Me Quick’ hat and a bucket and spade.

We doubt that porky porker Cameron will ever read this, but just in case you do stumble across this article, our message to you is – Piss off!

Goodbye and bollocking good riddance to the worst Prime Minister this country has ever had. We hope you’re fucking proud of your legacy Dave – austerity, mounting debt, ripping the arse out of the NHS, kicking the crap out of the sick and vulnerable, food banks, Brexit, tax breaks for your rich pals, zero action on corporate tax evasion, cuts to public services that even horrified your mother, and of course not forgetting the allegation that you plonked your prick in a porker’s mouth.

We just have one question to ask you, as you sit counting your offshore based millions after leaving our nation neck deep in shit as a result of your egomaniacal folly – can you take drooling Gideon Osborne and that murdering bastard Iain Duncan Smith with you?

We don’t usually do rants, but if we did they’d probably be a bit like this one.

When Nigel Farage appeared on stage with Donald Trump recently in Mississippi many attendees were somewhat confused regarding exactly who Nigel Farage is and what on earth is his relevance to the US presidential campaign.

It seems many got the wrong end of the stick.

“He’s some kind of alien ambassador to planet earth ain’t he?” said staunch Republican Jerry Klugelheimer III. “They told us we’d be making contact this year with the aliens, and he’s the alien, right?”

When our reporter corrected Mr Klugelheimer and explained that Nigel Farage is in fact the outgoing leader of UKIP and a leading Brexit campaigner he scratched his head, frowned and said:

“Well I’ll be damned. I would have sworn he’s an alien. He looks like a goddamned alien, he talks like a goddamned alien…wow. I can’t wrap my head around this. I have no clue what the hell UKIP or Brexit is but if that guy is human he’s one pug ugly little pipsqueak.”

“I can’t understand why Trump had him up there,” said Republican voter Dolores Saskwatch. “He reminds me of Hitler – all that hand waving and aggressive talk makes him come across as a nasty little man. I think Trump should dump him immediately – the Trump campaign doesn’t want to be associated with extremist right wing politics.”