Sep 28, 2008

NBC's Heroes features many evolved humans with extraordinary abilities. We believe there are superhumans among us and that the history books are full of evidence that superpowered people do exist...or do they? Famous people, are you on the list?

To celebrate the new season of NBC's Heroes, my friend Mark deGuzman and I began analyzing history books and tabloids, trying to find the evolved humans among us. We were especially encouraged when a Heroes graphic novel included Benjamin Franklin, who had the power of electrical absorption. Here is our list of suspected evolved humans:

Harriet Tubman

Former slave and Underground Railroad conductor

Abilitie(s): Super speed and/or invisibility

How else could this amazing woman manage to transport hundreds of slaves undetected? Although most evolved humans so far have been shown to only have one natural power, "Moses," as they called her, may have had either or both of these abilities.

Genghis Khan

Mongol founder and emperor

Abilitie(s): Mass impregnation

A British man named Tom Robinson was told that he was a direct descendant of the ruler and many, many, many kings have claimed to be descended from him as well. Genghis Khan didn't just invade when he took over a land, he would actually repopulate the land with little G. Khans. Talk about dominant genes.

Leonardo daVinci

Artist, inventor, military strategist, anatomist, everything

Abilitie(s): Intuitive aptitude

daVinci definitely could've been the Sylar of his day. He could understand things that didn't even exist yet! This would explain his keen knowledge of and expertise in multiple fields. He was definitely a Renaissance man.

Michelangelo

Artist, architect, engineer

Abilitie(s): Intuitive attitude

Maybe he was angry that he wasn't good at as many things as Leo was. Or he was just angry. Michelangelo wanted to concentrate on sculpting and was furious when Pope Julius II told him to go paint the Sistine Chapel's ceiling. He was melancholy, arrogant and had a ridiculous temper. But who can blame a man who was caned in the street by a pope?

Michael Jackson

Musician

Abiltie(s): Appearance alteration

He's just not very good at it. MJ has changed his look several times, and by look, we mainly mean his nose. He has also managed to change ethnicities and reinvent himself fashion-wise over his long career.

Chuck Norris

Martial artist and actor

Abiltie(s): Empathic mimicry

Because the character who can take other characters' powers is always the best. (Like Peter Petrelli.) And considering he trained with Bruce Lee, he has had some awesome people to empathize with. Thanks to his mimicry, Chuck has multiple powers including the power to divide by zero, slam a revolving door, and not read books, but stare them down until he gets the information he wants.

Sean Combs

Rapper, actor, entrepreneur, producer, and more

Abiltie(s): Name shifting

Besides being able to have six or seven occupations at once, this man can also have multiple names at once. Puff Daddy? Puffy? P. Diddy? Diddy? Duddy? No one knows who this guy will be next!

Amy Winehouse

Singer-songwriter

Abiltie(s): Rapid self-degeneration

No one has used alcohol, cigarettes, and crack cocaine quite like Amy. That is, no one has used them in combination with heroin, ecstasy, ketamine, self-harm, depression, eating disorders and soulful singing ... the ability she really needs to stick to.

Amelia Earhart

Aviator

Abiltie(s): Access to parallel dimension or space-time manipulation

If Amelia had these abilities, that could account for her disappearance. Perhaps she went to an alternate universe where people can fly? Or perhaps she traveled to some time in the future? Past? Well, wherever she disappeared to, she may have come back to us in the form of Jet Man.

Everyone cries when Barbara interviews them and that's no coincidence. The only person who can possibly resist Barbara's powers might be Rosie O'Donnell because she's a psychopath. Or because she no longer has a heart.

PETA

Animal lovers, crazy people

Abiltie(s): Superior delusion and lack of compassion for humans

They call themselves The Organization. While animals don't deserve abuse, they don't deserve the attention PETA gives them. These people actually thought Ben & Jerry's might come out with breast milk ice cream. Then again, this is the same group that compared chickens dying to the Holocaust and complained that a donkey was used in warfare without protesting the loss of human life.

David Blaine

Magician and endurance artist

Abiltie(s): Intuitive disappointment

All this guy does is do boring things for long periods of time and finds new and interesting ways to use the bathroom in public. And then when he does something almost exciting like a "dive of death," it ends up being the "bungee hop of death." Thanks for the entertainment, Dave.

John McCain

Senator, presidential candidate

Abiltie(s): Immortality or superior durability

There's got to be a reason this guy has lived so long. And no, I'm not saying that just because he's old. He endured five and a half years being tortured as a prisoner of war in Viet Nam. The knowledge that he will never die probably helped him make his vice presidential decision.

Barack Obama

Senator, presidential candidate

Abiltie(s): Change

We're not sure what kind of power he has, if any. But this is the one he advertises. Perhaps he isn't an evolved human at all. He's just ... some guy.

We have not yet identified what exactly Governor Palin's abilities are or how many of them she has. She has clearly demonstrated media magnetism, but the other abilities may have been expressed while she was out of the spotlight and governing Alaska. Her cryogenesis has been largely responsible for maintaining Alaska's snowy grounds, her light manipulation for aurora borealis, and her telescopic vision to see Russia from her house. On a side note, while the governor is quite adept at creating ice, she is not in fact responsible for the creation of Hillary Clinton.

Joe Bidden? Biden?

Who?

During our discussions, Mark actually spelled Biden's name wrong when he suggested that he had the power of "Who?" Proves a point. But perhaps this is simply Biden's demonstration of one of the coolest abilities an evolved human can have ... invisibility.

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3
comments:

Anonymous
said...

And I guess you could have made it 117 or even 1117. And since most of these people have off-spring, you have to worry about the gene pool. Makes me wonder about Darwin's theory, that's for sure.

GJ.

Anonymous
said...

Harriet Tubman didn't have any super powers. All she needed to be invisible was night. >_>

Anonymous
said...

Amy Winehouse can swallow a football; that's why she's so constipated. Chuck Norris has super acting abilities. One of Genghis Kahn's direct descendants will almost destroy the USS Enterprise, later in the 23rd century. McCain really did save my cat high in a tree. He didn't fly, he jumped...about 35 feet!

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