Patient parents, patient children

Published 11:44 am, Friday, December 7, 2012

Your child wants something and wants it NOW. He whines, he screams and cries. You might find yourself rushing to get the object of his desire, but you are also in the midst of a teachable moment.

"If you give children everything they want and need, or think they need, the moment they want it, they won't learn to delay gratification, and it's a skill they have learn," said Kathleen Crowley, a professor of psychology at The College of Saint Rose.

Patience is a learned skill. Start by modeling patience, Crowley said. As your 3-year-old is watching you, say, "Mommy is waiting. I'm being patient. I'm waiting for you to put your shoes on."

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Again in the grocery store line, talk about patience and how to be calm. Play a game as you and your child wait, so the child learns how to distract himself. Teach your children strategies, Crowley said.

"It's hard to do. We aren't always patient as adults especially with our children, but the first and best approach is if you can do it too," she said.

Crowley recommended looking for situations you can comfortably ask for children to have patience, say, "Mommy will get you your cereal, you have to be patient. You have to wait." If they succeed, use praise that again uses the phrases so the child learns the meaning of "patient."

There are developmental and biological factors that will vary from child to child. Young children don't have a lot of voluntary nerve impulse control, they are still learning how to deal with their own nervous systems, Crowley said. It is unreasonable to expect the average 5-year-old to wait an hour, she added. Five minutes? Yes. Ten? Maybe. Even through the teen years, brain and neurological development is still not there, she said.

Practicing proactive parenting means having a goal in mind, Crowley said, and it's always going to take more time up front. It's a lot easier to hand over the juice box or hand over the candy bar, but in the long run it will save you a lot of time you will have a patient child who can wait, one who learned no means no rather than a child who knows if she cries and whines, she's going to get what she wants.