Dear Mom,I’m totally in love with this really great guy. He is everything I want and he says the same about me. So what’s the problem? I met him on the internet. I really want to meet him in person and he wants to meet me, too, but he insists on doing it in an out-of-the-way place without anyone else around. He’s said it’ll be more romantic that way, but I’m a little nervous. What should I do? - In Heaven on the Internet Highway

Dear Heaven,First of all, congratulations! Second of all, RUN! This guy is totally bad news.Now I’m not saying this because you met him on the internet. After all, only 99.9% of guys you meet there are serial rapists and/or killers. There’s always that .01%. But trust me, if he’s really that awesome and thinks you two are meant to be, he should have NO problem meeting you in a controlled environment with your parents present. If he makes excuses like “I’m afraid your folks won’t like me, and if I lose you…” or “I want our first meeting to be special, I can meet them next time” then drop him like a hot tamale. Other danger words? “No one understands me like you.” No-one = his parole officer, wife or state-appointed psychiatrist. There’s also “We have a forbidden love. People just won’t understand ‘us.’” He means local, state, or federal judges. Now if buckles and says he’ll meet you with your parents at your house, don’t take the bait. He just wants your home address. If you give it to him, he’ll more than likely find his way there when your parents are conveniently absent. And that would be bad, very bad. Trust me on this. I’ve seen and heard too many bad things on the news already. Don’t be a statistic. Be smart.

Mom says: Looking for love on the internet? CLICK HEREfor a special PRINT AND POST!

Dear Mom,My mom started this website/blog for teen girls and it is totally ridiculous. She’s constantly saying stupid things and giving stupid advice and everyone knows it’s MY MOM. Why in the world is she doing this? Does she really think she’s that cool? Talk about delusional. Personally, I think she’s just trying to embarrass me. Tell me, what should I do? - Mad at my Mom

Dear Mad,Now, now. I’m sure everyone has been embarrassed by their parents at some point in their life. I know I have. But I’ve got to be honest with you – your mom sounds like one hip n’ happenin’ lady. If I were you, I’d be proud. And trust me, if she really wanted to embarrass you, creating a website would be the last thing she’d do.

She'd probably just post an old picture of you passed out on the couch after a late-night Carnation Instant Formula binge. Now THAT would be embarrassing. My advice? Suck it up and see your mother for the truly awesome person she is. Make sure to tell her so.

Coming up with ideas for blog posts can be a difficult task, so I’m taking a break to address a few pretend letters from three non-existent girls who’ve asked for advice. Like my Why Does She DO That? page, this post comes with the following:

WARNING: CONTAINS PREACHY CONTENTMay be unsuitable for viewers who aren’t in the mood

With that being said, allow me to present…

DEAR MAKE-BELIEVE MOM

Dear Mom,It’s hard to explain. I mean, I don’t go out a ton, but I do have friends. Still, sometimes I just feel so alone, like I don’t fit in. What should I do? - The Only Lonely

Dear Lonely,Rejoice! Yes, you heard me. Why? Because it means you’re normal. If you didn’t feel that way you’d be a freak. Seriously. No one feels 100% comfortable with themselves 100% of the time unless they’re on heavy medication -- and that’s a whole other issue entirely. Okay, I know what you’re thinking: What about that girl in math class, the one with the coolest clothes, coolest friends, etc.? She never feels that way, right? Wrong. Just don’t ask her to admit it unless you want her to give you the stink eye.Even still, what if she did think she was all that and a bag of Cheetos 24/7? Talk about a major head case. Nope, I’d rather be you.People who know what it’s like to feel awkward are usually nicer and make better friends. My bet is you’re one cool, compassionate chick. So don’t be sad, be GLAD (insert something snarky about garbage bags here.) You’re a better person for it.

Dear Mom,I’ve been dating this guy for a while now, and he’s been pressuring me to play Monopoly. Thing is, I’m not sure I’m ready. What should I do?- Not Quite Ready to Play

Dear Not Quite Ready,Wow, Monopoly. I can see why you’re scared. The game takes so long to set up, yet you have no guarantee your boyfriend will keep playing after just a few turns. If he does keep going, it can be hard to tell if the only reason he’s doing it is so he can hit ‘GO’ and collect $200 all the time. Then, by the time you figure that out you’ve got so much invested in the game you feel you have to keep playing even when you want to stop. ARGH! The social repercussions can be devastating, too. All it takes is for one person to find out and, before you know it, the whole world is snickering about your ‘Community Chest.’ Tragic.Plus, there’s always ‘Chance.’ Pick the wrong card and the game’s over, just like that. Talk about a messy clean up –- there are so many pieces! -- and, more than likely, you’re boyfriend won’t lift a finger to help.

My advice? Don’t roll the dice. Stick to simpler games until you want, and can afford, to buy Boardwalk and put a house on it.Trust me, your life will be happier and much more care-free.

Dear Mom,I’m sixteen years old and wear a size 11 shoe. I feel like a circus clown. Any suggestions on how I can blend?- Bigfoot in Smallsville

Dear Bigfoot,Now I’ve been pretty straight forward with advice so far, so I know you’re expecting something like, “Size 11 shoe? No big deal. I bet no one really notices,” or “Accentuate the positive! I bet you can clog dance louder and squash bugs better than anyone else around!” Truth is, I’m sure you look like a total freak and, as a teenager, the last thing you want to do is stand out. Conformity is king. So the solution is simple: remove your toes with a hacksaw. I know it sounds painful, but not as painful as the total humiliation you must be going through.I mean, I still remember the day I had to break off my friendship with a good buddy once I noticed her knees looked a little too much like russet potatoes.Sure, you’ll have trouble walking and wearing flip flops will be a thing of the past, but now you’ll be able to really rock a pair of Uggs. Totally worth it. Just ask your parents first. Doctor bills and physical therapy will play heavily in your future.

Well, that’s it for now. If you have any questions of your own, just send me an e via the handy dandy ‘Contact Me’ tab and I might just answer it. Yep, that’s right. I’m cool that way.

Weird Author

My name's Murphy, Janene Murphy, and I'm a weird mom.

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