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Re: MSPA fan-fiction

Saras, nextian, you've already said everything I wanted to say in regards to present tense, and very well! I just want to add that some of the best stories I've ever read were written in style.
In fact, one of the creepiest novel length horror stories I've ever read was written almost entirely in present tense, second person P.O.V. The author explained to me that he did it that way because it helped him hide specific details of the story...first person was too close and gave away too much of what the view point character was thinking, third person was too distant and revealed too much of what was actually going on...

Re: MSPA fan-fiction

Thanks for the link Tezrial! I think that place looks pretty nifty so far, and I found a fic that I hadn't read before
Your story was also really cute :3 I wonder what movie they were watching?

Arg! This might sound dumber because I accidentally deleted everything I had typed out

About the fanfiction as art, I would say it definitely counts as art! It takes a lot of creativity to produce an interesting and engaging story. While, yes, it takes effort to come up with an interesting picture/drawing/whatever concept and effectively illustrate it, I would argue that it takes quite a bit more to come up with an excellent fanfiction. Maybe about the same as a well thought out comic???

I have read just about every fic that has been posted here, and the quality is amazing actually. I haven't hated anything that I read, and just about everyone here is an above average writer. Several of you are astounding, and manage to produce an emotional response from me with each story. There are pieces in the art/romart threads which do the same, but I think you guys manage to do it more often. I would definitely say that writing counts as an art form.

I haven't actually posted any pictures or fic of my own, but I really appreciate what you guys produce.

Re: MSPA fan-fiction

Originally Posted by PaulPower

Now I kind of want to write John having his first look around Jade's house and noticing the stuffed Hass.

Well, here goes. Although after a little bit it segues a little bit into John getting down on himself about stuff, and Jade telling him not to (inspired by this rather sweet fic I saw while having a look round AO3). The idea here was to set it before Light in my continuing campaign to try and bring some sort of continuity* to some of my shorts, with the idea being that John takes some of Jade's advice on board and tries to be more positive about stuff.

* well, if I was going to fix up the continuity I guess I'd have to change the bit about Kanaya suggesting to John that he contacts Rose. Maybe I should get set up on AO3 and put up continuity-edited versions rather than wait for nextian & co to archive it?

Anyway, stuff:

Knocked the Stuffing Out of Him

EB: jade?GG: yes john???EB: i'm looking at your foyer right nowEB: in particular the stuffed body of a man named "grandpa harley".EB: so, uh.EB: how come you never told me your grandpa died?GG: oh....GG: well.....GG: i didnt want to worry you!!EB: you didn't want to worry me.EB: did you told rose or dave?GG: umm... no ._.EB: i guess you didn't want to worry them either.EB: how long has it been?GG: about.... four years?EB: let me get this straight.EB: you've spent four years living on an island with only your dog for company.EB: and your only contact with other human beings in that time has been pesterchum and the odd letter.EB: well, and i guess trying to wake my dreamself up.EB: please give me a moment while i screw my brain back in.GG: john.....GG: you arent mad at me are you?EB: no.EB: i don't think i could be, really!EB: i'm pretty sad, though.GG: how come?EB: well, even if i didn't know you were my sister, you're still like my second cousin or something.EB: i mean as far as i know dad and i are the only living relatives you've got!EB: you could have come and lived with us.EB: or hey, if you didn't want to leave your island, we could have come and lived with you.EB: although i guess that'd be asking a lot of dad.GG: youd do that???EB: well, yeah!EB: but i didn't know about it, and now i just feel like i've let you down again.GG: ummm...GG: how do you mean?EB: oh jeez all sorts of stuff.EB: not being able to get your present and the server disk from dad's car before it was too late.EB: getting killed by that denizen in the alt timeline, leaving you dead and rose and dave stuck alone for four months.EB: not being able to wake up even when i could see the graffiti on the walls of my room, and if i'd woken earlier we could have both avoided being squashed by that moon.EB: connecting to you at like the eleventh hour and fifty-ninth minute, so that the only way out was for Bec to self-prototype and take the meteor out for us.GG: john.....GG: i dont want to put it like this but...GG: you can be a bit of an idiot sometimes!!!EB: yeah i know.GG: no i dont mean it like that!GG: i mean the way you beat yourself up about stuff and dont realise how much of a good friend you are!EB: huh?GG: youre my best friend!GG: and id guess that youre daves best friend and roses best friend too!EB: really?EB: i'd've thought dave and rose...GG: hehe yeah i know what you meanGG: i know they like each other really once you get past all the "insufferable prick" and "flighty broad" stuffGG: but im pretty sure rose finds it a lot easier to talk to you than she does to either me or daveGG: about parents and stuffGG: and even though dave tries to hide it you make quite an impression on him!GG: what with ben stillers' shades and the apple juice!EB: i'd ask how you know about all this but i guess i know how you know now.EB: ugh, tongue twister.GG: hehe yeah!GG: and anyway most of that stuff wasnt your faultGG: you werent to know!GG: and the bits that were your fault kind of had some good consequences anyway!GG: what really matters is that you tried and that you keep trying!EB: ... thanks jade.EB: it's just been a weird day.EB: i guess you guys rely on me just as much as i rely on you.EB: and even though i think you're all way cooler than me, you think i'm pretty cool too.GG: :DEB: anyway, are you sure you're alright with all this?GG: john i know youre worried about how i coped all those years on my ownGG: but i wasnt on my own!GG: i had you guys!!!GG: and it doesnt matter that it was text on a screenGG: you all more than made up for thatEB: aw, shucks.EB: either way though, we need to arrange a meet-up.EB: i know orange dave said we had to coordinate on this whole round-robin business but i think that went out the window when the game decided we'd got less than a day to beat it.EB: if we can't see each other in our dreams we can sure as hell see each other in reality.GG: thats the spirit!!!EB: by the way, do you want me to try prototyping with your grandpa?GG: sure!GG: ill call bec overEB: rightoGG: ok here he isEB: damn he keeps dodging when i try to drop your grandpa into him.GG: yeah bec what are you doing??EB: now i think about it, i remember my harlequin sprite doing something similar when i tried to prototype with things that weren't nanna.GG: maybe he wants something else?EB: maybe.EB: i guess we'll work it out later.EB: will you be ok for a few minutes?EB: i should really catch up with rose and dave.EB: so much stuff i need to get them up to speed on.GG: ok!GG: but john...EB: yes?GG: when you talk to them, try and remember what i said hereGG: about remembering that we all think you're a good friend and not to beat yourself up about stuffEB: ok, i'll do my best!GG: besides i get the feeling rose and dave might need you to give them some emotional support right now.EB: did you see them in clouds back when your dreamself was alive?GG: not this time!GG: its just a general feelingGG: the games going all wrong and they dont know whyGG: and well theyve got their own issues that need dealing withGG: and i think you might be the guy to help them out!EB: all right, i will friend them as hard as i can.EB: but can i give you some advice as well?EB: i'm not going to tell rose or dave about your grandpa.EB: but i think you should.EB: we don't really want dave showing up out of your gate 2 and going "well hey who's this fine corpse".GG: lol i guess not!EB: ok, see you in a bit.GG:

Re: MSPA fan-fiction

“Well don’t just stand there all slacked jawed and wide eyed. Come in, sit down, have some wine.” He poured out some thick dark purple liquid into a cup. “I know its the wrong glass, but what can you do?”

“Wha?”

Karkat leaned back in his chair. “Little confusing? Not surprising. Kanaya tried to explain it, but when she realized exactly what I meant, well... To the point, I always feel... calmer? Yes, calm after a fresh meal. And I have had several lately.”

Equius shook his head, fist clenched. “Fresh meal?! What is wrong with you?!”

“What’s wrong with me? I have a better question. What’s wrong with you?! A giant freak of a musclebeast troll! Clinging to your pathetic hemocaste when only twelve of us are left! Trying to demand us and be the boss! Well, maybe not exactly twelve anymore, but still. You can’t even touch another troll without ripping off limbs and crushing skulls! Although I do admire your technique. And you!” he continued, pointed at Nepeta. “Always trying to pair us together and play matchmaker and getting in everyone’s way and pretending to be some kind of fucking animal!” Karkat stopped, holding his head. “No! Too soon! I won’t be this again! I will... calm down... Yes... I am above this...”

“Above this? ABOVE THIS?! You are- lowest of the low! What you did to Aradia-”

“Technically Sollux did it, I just used the code. You would not believe the screams of the ghost frog thing when she realized the bot was on control. Amusing, really. Heehaoahoa!”

Equius shouted and leaped Karkat. The red blood deftly sidestepped out of the way, pushing a button on a remote. Equius picked up a large console, snapping the wire, raining down sparks. “Die, freak!”

A grey streak smashed into the strong troll. He yelled and fought against what he couldn’t see but suddenly gasped. The figure in front of him got the troll in a hard embrace.

“By the way,” said Karkat, grinning, “Aradia isn’t dead. Well, she is, but the body didn’t blow up. That was just a ruse. But don’t worry,” he said to Nepeta, “Tavros really is dead. Stupid fucking damn grinning moron!” Karkat stopped. “Whoa, what is going? Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten Sollux, I’m getting all kinds of messed up right now. Man I am so glad I didn’t eat Gamzee. Nepeta, you’ve been unusually quiet.”

She gaped at him, trying to form words that weren't random sounds.

“Karkat! Let me up and face me like a troll!” Equius struggled against what once was Aradia. The robot stretched out its arms and grabbed Equius’s neck.

“That just wouldn’t be fair, would it? Hehehe.”

“I’ll kill you! I’ll make you pay! Pay for killing the others! And for what?! Food?! Some sick fantasy?! Do you hate yourself so much you have to take it out on the others?!”

“Don’t you dare try to judge me! You don’t speak to me like that! Stupid fuckers can’t even imagine what I’ve been through- the lengths I’ve gone! I made you all! All of you! Never knew that, did you?! Never wanted to know! All those larva crawling around leaving little slime trails, making a mess, whining for food! I put them all on the meteors like a good little soldier boy as I was told and they all left! But you know what? I couldn’t fucking leave! I was there for a full fucking sweep! But when I came back no one notice! No one cared! Weary and aged, and no fucking words! Ohh, you’ve only been gone an hour Karkat! Why did you run away Karkat? You let us down Karkat! Without me you wouldn’t have even been born! Did you think there was food? Did you think there was anything to do?! I was alone and all alone!”

The troll started breathing heavy. “No... Three days I went without food... Three days! That stupid machine was mocking me, glowing, showing me things! Happy people, drones, larva all eating and being happy! Dead for the greater good. Greater good, greater good, what is the greater good?! I was going to die and for what?! Nothing! No! I wasn’t going to die! I refuse! That stupid mocking machine! Big useless buttons and-and light and stupid shit! I just... pressed them. And... and...”

“It made something that screamed and screamed over and over again. Just a mess of... limbs and... flesh and-and what else could I do? It was in pain... I had to help it... and I was so hungry...”

Nepeta reached out but Karkat slapped her away.

“I’ve tried not to do it but the pain... the pain was so bad! A dull aching pain, stabbing pain just growing every moment! And then I found this lab... And I thought I would be fine. But no! It didn’t work!” The troll shook his head. “Clones lose their flavor, you know? I mean, it’s one reason I had to do something different. Everyone had been complaining lately.”

Equius yelled again, fighting. “Nepeta! Get out of here! Go find the royals, they can help you!”

“Oh please,” said Karkat dismissively. “I ate them first. Well,” he gave a sly grin, “there was a little too much for just little old me. How did you like the food tonight? HeeHooheeee! By the way, Aradia, kill Equius then shut down.”

There was a quick snap, and the bot sparked, sending bolts of energy through the wall.

Nepeta snapped like the strong troll’s neck. She leaped at Karkat, scratching his face and pulling his hair. They fell to the floor, Nepeta on top, slamming the Karkat’s head into the ground, punching his face, scratching his body. He punched up, connecting with her stomach but she didn’t get off. With a quick move she stuck a claw into his eye. Red splashed all around them, painting the room. Karkat flailed wildly and hit the cat girl’s head. She went flying and he rolled to the side, spitting out a tooth.

“Not bad...” he grabbed his surgisickle as Nepeta groggily got up. She leaped and Karkat slashed out and green filled the air, mixing with the red. The cat girl screamed and held the stump where her hand once was.

“A pity,” said Karakt. “You were supposed to live you idiot! Fuck! Now you’ll have to be in the clone army as well! Rations are easy, eat the dead! Black King will fall the sting of a thousand ants!” He raised his weapon high. Nepeta cringed, waiting for the blow.

“No.” A troll with a metal arm limped into the light. “Just burned out a little.”

The troll struggled against his own muscles. “Your eyes! Why are they white?!”

She shrugged. “I’m ok with that.”

Karkat’s good eye widened further. “No! Nooo! You are trapped! In that body! Why didn’t it work?!”

The troll ignored him. “Nepeta, he is still strong... You have to do it.”

Nepeta got it, trying to ignore the pain. She gently took the sickle from his sweaty hand. She held it to his neck.

Karkat’s eye darted back and forth, looking for a way out. “Please, no! I’m not supposed to die! Keep my alive! I w-won’t eat you.” Nepeta closed her eyes. “No! You’ll-You’ll need to to beat the B-Black King!”

The cat girl gave him a kiss on the forehead, and Karkat knew peace.

“I have to go now, Nepeta.”

“Vriska?”

“No... I’m not. Aradia? No... not that either. Both?”

Nepeta grabbed onto her. “Don’t leave me!”

The white eyed troll with blue lips handed Nepeta an 8-ball. “I’m sorry. I can’t stay like I am. All I have to give is this. Take care of us.” Then she was gone.

Nepeta gently opened the ball. In her hands she held the Matriorb, the last salvation of the troll race.

She held it close and rocked back and forth.

“What... What do I do with this?”

And, here is if my write-up. Included will be some startling facts that might change your whole perception of the story. Read at your own risk.

Biggest most startling fact? This whole thing started as a KarkatxNepeta love fic.
Yeah.
What wrong with me?

Anyways, part 1 I just sorta wrote, but all the other parts I outlined, something I don't normally do. From the start, I wanted Karkat to be a cannibal. Somewhere to the middle of 2 I realized I needed a good reason for KK to want to eat trolls, and I figured out I could place him in the creation meteor or whatever it's called.

CC and CA haven't appeared yet in the comic, so I forgot about them sometimes. Terezi and Sollux didn't get really any airtime cause I wasn't sure I could write them well enough.

Now the ending, the ending went through many different variations. Some versions had Equius living, or Aradia getting control of her body, and I think one was having the Midnight Crew come in. Yeah, glad I didn't go that route. I always wanted Vriska to come in, but at the end of part 5 I realized that it wouldn't work so well. The inspiration came when I figured out that the burned out brain could be rather receptive.

When decided the ending, I just did not want to make it happy. Sad fiction is my favorite fiction, but really, a happy or uplifting ending would change the tone of the whole piece in a way I didn't want to. As a good for instance, King often had ending that were downright depressing, and those were my favorite.

Re: MSPA fan-fiction

Uhm, I just wanted to pop in and say that I've been reading this thread since it was about 6 pages old, and give some sort of sprinkly generalized praise towards pretty much anyone who's mustered the gumption to post a fic. Recently, it has not just been Fanfiction either, It has been good fiction, generally showing mastery of not only grammatic nuances, but also the characterizations and vocabularies of very distinct characters not their own.

There have been times when I've had to stop myself while discussing the comic, forgetting that some of the chatlogs or events I'm trying to reference weren't even in it!

Re: MSPA fan-fiction

ksumrall, what if I told you that when I saw that this was the last part, I went and read all previous five parts. What if I told you that I read strait though the parts, devouring the words like they were delicious delicious meals? And, what if I told you that your story was absolutely chilling, captivating, and altogether creative? Because, well, that is what I am telling you. You have just finished what is quite possibly my favorite fic on this thread so far. Really, this was absolute gold. Imagine me as Equius. Imagine this story as a blood color. IMPERIAL. FUCKING. PURPLE. Just...wow. I could write more but I fear that I am beginning to ramble.

My sig-quotes:

Originally Posted by Dastreus

ToreaderTornado is Lord English and LE is busy being Spades Slick, who is everyone. ToreaderTornado is everyone because ToreaderTornado is the dreamer.

Re: MSPA fan-fiction

Originally Posted by sarasvati

I would have to disagree with your points on present tense, Valter!

[spoiler]Present tense... makes the story immediate: this is happening now, now, now. It keeps things going along at a brisk, steady clip and creates an engaging, almost movie-like environment. This is especially effective (and common) in short stories, where the challenge is getting the reader invested.

Most of the arguments against present tense used in the whole come from the fact that it is very awkward to parse as being told a story. It is just unnatural as a storytelling tool! Think of trying to recount any past events. Let's say for example, you are trying to tell someone about your trip to the store. Which one sounds more natural:
-"I am picking out the carrots. After that, I am picking out the cantaloupes. Then, next thing you know, I find myself in the freezer section--where I run into who else but Cathy!"
or
-"I picked out the carrots. After that, I picked out the cantaloupes. Then, next thing you know, I found myself in the freezer section where I ran into who else but Cathy!"
It has a lot to do with the nature of storytelling itself. And while it works well for short short stories (like you said), using it over a long narrative can get to be grating.

There are ways to better convey immediacy in your story besides writing it entirely in the present tense. Beginning writers sometimes use the present tense to make up for not yet being able convey immediacy in their story without resorting to something unnatural like present tense. Either that, or the free-flowing nature of present tense makes the story more intimate to the writer, since he/she is writing down raw thoughts. However, the present tense actually makes the story less intimate to the reader, since the story is less set-in-stone (the past tense helps to set events in place, whereas the present makes them seem less static).

Of course, present tense is a very handy tool to use occasionally. It can be used very effectively, like in surreal dream sequences, stream of consciousness scenes, or an extended scene compacted into a very short time-frame (like a few seconds). It's done wonderfully at the end of the story Bullet in the Brain.).

One last thing about it verb tenses: accidental verb tense shifts are the absolute worst mechanical error you can make in writing. They throw off the reader's immersion, discredit the narrator and disestablish the setting (since you don't know at what point the story is being told from). You must be aware every time you shift verb tenses, and make sure that there's a good reason for it.

Originally Posted by Bardic Feline

In fact, one of the creepiest novel length horror stories I've ever read was written in second person P.O.V. The author explained to me that he did it that way because it helped him hide specific details of the story...third person was too distant and revealed too much of what was actually going on...

There is the third-person limited point of view, you know. This is extremely popular in a lot of contemporary work: it centers around one character, and you can get into their thoughts and feelings if you choose to, but it doesn't go into depth about the things around them. That way, you don't have to have the story skewed by the character's narration while still having a viewpoint that limits revealing information. Or conversely, you could have it first person point of view from someone apart from the main character, like with the Great Gatsby.

Re: MSPA fan-fiction

Just dropping in with a few notes.

Breccia: Oh cool, you "get" Vriska! Hurray! The pesterlogs you've written for her lead smoothly into the "apologize for being disabled" debacle and, I think, serve to highlight what that was really about. Also, you made me care about Tavros. That has been increasingly difficult lately, so good job!

Sarasvati: Beautiful as always, my dear. Talk about getting characters! I love your account of Dave's relationship to words and literature and rap music. It makes so much sense, and I feel like I understand and appreciate him better for having read it. And of course what you do is art. No one has ever told you that? I should have gotten on the ball sooner, I guess.

Tez: Short, sweet, and very them. The perspective shifts were a bit awkward, but not terribly. Now the part me that loves fractured fairy tales is salivating over what could be done with the Witch/Knight dynamic.

Nex and Sarasvati re. Valter's comments: Thank you!!! Stories - especially short stories - that benefit from immediacy work well in present tense. Stories that benefit from the reader having an intimate connection with the protagonist work well in first person. Stories that don't might not. To say that present tense is inferior to past tense or that first person is inferior to third is like saying that charcoals are inferior to pastels. And incidentally, Nex, I am currently writing a story in past tense — the first I've done for a while — and the imperfect tenses are driving me nuts! Why are they so inelegant in the English language? Surely we could just have had (!!!) more suffixes instead of having to tack on whole auxiliary words. Urgh!

ETA: Wheatthins, I don't see how present tense in storytelling is inherently unnatural sounding. I do know what you mean; the first few times I read it as a kid it did seem a bit off and keep pulling me out of the story. But that was merely a function of my not having been used to it. It's been years since I've had that issue.

Re: MSPA fan-fiction

Stories about things that have happened have historically told in the past tense. News reports, accounts of history, etc.. This is because most of the time, you are describing in your narrative things that have happened. But don't take this as me saying "you shouldn't write in present tense." It's just you shouldn't rely on it extensively, because it can become grating.

Re: MSPA fan-fiction

That's um. That's not true, sorry! About 90% of the time, when I tell a story, I alternate fluidly between past and present tense: "So, I'm at the store, right, and I see this guy. He's wearing this RIDICULOUS hat. He turned around and he said to me..."

Or more usually, "So there's this dude Sam Wilkeson, he's a reporter in the Civil War. He gets onto the field at Gettysburg and he finds out his son has died. HE WROTE HIS DISPATCH NEXT TO THE OPEN GRAVE OF HIS SON." because I am a history nerd.

But that doesn't matter because spoken and written language are inherently different beasts. I also don't tell stories in third person when I'm recounting them most of the time, but that doesn't mean a story can't be conversational and casual in tight third person POV. (Which btw, thank you for bringing that up, because tight 3rd person is my baby. I don't consider 2nd person more immediate, exactly, I mostly find it useful for when I'm sort of using myself as the narrator to talk to the characters -- sort of like in MSPA, actually.)

Re: MSPA fan-fiction

Originally Posted by nextian

But that doesn't matter because spoken and written language are inherently different beasts.

Exactly. That grocery store example I meant as "telling other people" through writing, at which point it becomes weird because it sounds like you are talking to another person. But there is a difference in interaction between reader and writer. Speaking is something that is actively happening between two people. Writing more passive. It's something that one person does at a set point in time, for people in the future to read. When you see something in present tense, imagine that the narrator is sitting there writing it all as it is happening. (And if at any point, they address the reader by using second-person POV, you have to imagine that you're there, too, chillin' with him as all of the events go down.)

If, in a story, someone is writing it as it actually is happening, that's perfectly acceptable.

Re: MSPA fan-fiction

As an asshole who took Latin, I feel obligated to mention that what we're discussing is the "historical present tense" ;D Like Nextian mentioned, it's used conversationally all the time. I'll entertain other arguments against it, but "sounding unnatural" is not one of them.

I've always liked second-person, reading and writing, myself... that talking-to-the-characters dynamic, I guess. It just really clicks with me. De gustibus non est disputandum You can't argue about taste. ;D

(goddamn ninjas and this forum making it a bitch to check for them. I just don't think that the narrator writing it as it's happening is jarring, or at all a bad thing.)

Also:

Originally Posted by PaulPower

Well, here goes. Although after a little bit it segues a little bit into John getting down on himself about stuff, and Jade telling him not to (inspired by this rather sweet fic I saw while having a look round AO3). The idea here was to set it before Light in my continuing campaign to try and bring some sort of continuity* to some of my shorts, with the idea being that John takes some of Jade's advice on board and tries to be more positive about stuff.

Re: MSPA fan-fiction

Originally Posted by nextian

When you see something in present tense, imagine that the narrator is sitting there writing it all as it is happening.

You have summed up exactly why I like it so much!

I can understand first-person narrators doing it, because first person is closer to one person talking to another, or talking to a piece of paper. But sometimes, this runs into logistical problems. For instance, how long of a period of time is the narrator there for? Where are they reporting this from? If they're part of the action, how are they copying it all down?

And omnipresent narrators... I don't know, it just seems hard for me to wrap my head around why an omnipresent entity would say things happening as they are happening to people in a medium that is static.

I guess a point I'd like to point out is that it is not wrong to use present tense narration. However, it is difficult to pull off if you are not an experienced writer who knows all the nuances of its purpose and how such a thing would work. A large proportion of those who use present tense are not experienced writers, and they completely mishandle the tool. It's easier to say "work on the fundamentals first, and you can work outward later."

Originally Posted by reclusiveAmateur

It's used conversationally all the time. I'll entertain other arguments against it, but "sounding unnatural" is not one of them.

It's used conversationally all the time, but narration is different from conversation. Present tense can happen in dialogue because it's conversation. But sounding unnatural in narration is a valid criticism if you are simply and artificially trying to give immediacy to events that have already happened, and if it is not done correctly, can lead to breaking a reader's suspension of disbelief.

Re: MSPA fan-fiction

Honestly, I think narration should be more of an abstraction than an actual entity. "Narration" rather than a "narrator". (This may be why I'm having trouble with the Troll arc. There is a definite narrator there, and moreover, I don't like him.) "Who is telling this" (when it's not implied or obvious) is just not a question that bothers me, or even occurs to me. If there isn't an actual narrating character (who is not the author) implied, I feel no need to invent one, nor wonder how they saw what they saw. That's just how I've always seen it. *shrug*

Re: MSPA fan-fiction

Originally Posted by Wheeeeeeatthins

And omnipresent narrators... I don't know, it just seems hard for me to wrap my head around why an omnipresent entity would say things happening as they are happening to people in a medium that is static.

Re: MSPA fan-fiction

eh I don't have much more to say. There are times when present tense is a good tool, though it has legitimate faults that are exacerbated by inexperienced writers using it as a replacement for developing an immediate tone.
You say that the aesthetic of it overrides the faults it is given to, while I say the faults outweigh it. There's not much further to go on about it.

Re: MSPA fan-fiction

Originally Posted by ToreaderTornado

ksumrall, what if I told you that when I saw that this was the last part, I went and read all previous five parts. What if I told you that I read strait though the parts, devouring the words like they were delicious delicious meals? And, what if I told you that your story was absolutely chilling, captivating, and altogether creative? Because, well, that is what I am telling you. You have just finished what is quite possibly my favorite fic on this thread so far. Really, this was absolute gold. Imagine me as Equius. Imagine this story as a blood color. IMPERIAL. FUCKING. PURPLE. Just...wow. I could write more but I fear that I am beginning to ramble.

If you did all that? Oh wait, you did say all that. Hmmm... Do you like pies? I can't bake them, it was a general question. I'll say thanks then.

Man, i have have zero ideas for my next story. I was considering writing some alternate POVs on and we come to an end, But I don't think it would add enough flavor to make it worth while.

Re: MSPA fan-fiction

f!s: I don't think writing is mspaint adventures's strongest suit

I dunno, Hussie's done some really clever things with his format of choice. I mean, I agree, sometimes the narration comes out awkward, but I do not think it is consistently so, and looking at how smoothly he integrates plot and character development is always a treat.

And to keep this from being too much of a segway: do you write? You're clearly technically proficient.

Re: MSPA fan-fiction

HouseBan'd

(Title Unrelated, used only for the pun)

A young man stands in a closet. Today isn't very exceptional, although he's definitely excited about something. His hair's an unkempt mess, but he's the sort of kid who can get away with it. He's rather a JACK of all trades when it come to music, but the GUITAR is definitely his forte.

But wait! What's this young man's name?

>JACK SQUAT

Hmm. A nice pun, but he's already the JACK. He can't be named "JACK" and be a JACK at the same time.

>GUITAR GEORGE

Well, he does know ALL THE CHORDS. But he's not one for silly references.

>CHARLIE HOSS

Your name is CHARLIE. You're in the closet to get your GUITAR. Your three friends are in YOUR ROOM nearby with their INSTRUMENTS to check out your newest game. They plan on JAMMING OUT in your GARAGE as soon as they're done.

On the walls are three lockers, labelled "ARMS", "CHARLIE'S THINGS", and "DO NOT OPEN".

>RETRIEVE ARMS FROM LOCKER

Oh, yes. How silly of you. You get your twin .22 pistols from the ARMS locker and allocate them to your PISTOLKIND Strife Specibus. Your parents are real self-defense freaks, and never let anyone leave the house without a firearm of some kind.

The ARMS LOCKER is now empty.

>OPEN THE "DO NOT OPEN" LOCKER

Well, you would, if you could, but you can't. The LOCKER TO NOT BE OPENED needs three KEYS to be opened: a BLUE KEY, a RED KEY, and a KEY OF INDETERMINATE COLOR. Even if you could find the two COLORED KEYS, your DAD keeps the INDETERMINATELY COLORED KEY on his person at all times. Or, at least, you think he does. No one's ever seen it, actually. That's why you don't know its color.

>OPEN CHARLIE'S LOCKER

You open your locker. Inside, it's empty, except for an ELECTRIC GUITAR.

>CAPTCHALOGUE THE GUITAR IN YOUR SYLLADEX

Now why would you do that? You've got a perfectly good GUITARKIND Strife Specibus in your STRIFE PORTFOLIO.

>FINE, ALLOCATE THE GUITAR INSTEAD

That's more like it. Both of your STRIFE SPECIBI are now occupied.

>LEAVE THE CLOSET

You leave the closet. You are now in the BACK HALLWAY of your house. To the left is YOUR ROOM, from which you can hear three distict voices chattering away. To the right is your SISTER'S ROOM, which is currently vacant and unlocked.

>ENTER SISTER'S ROOM

You really don't want to do that. If your sister doesn't walk in on you and beat you to a pulp, your friends will most likely walk in and chew you out for messing around.

>ENTER YOUR ROOM

You enter YOUR ROOM. Inside, you are reminded of your MANY INTERESTS. But most of those are boring. However, you do enjoy PLAYING GUITAR, which is why we found you in the closet in the first place, and you also enjoy VIDEO GAMES, as evidenced by your two computers and one GAMING CONSOLE, built by A NON-SPECIFIC GAMING COMPANY.

Your one male friend walks up to you. He's got a head of well-manicured black hair, and a set of shades that rival those of THAT REALLY IRONIC KID FROM SCHOOL. He's the KING at playing BASS, and can slap bass so well that you don't really need a drummer.

What was his name?

>ELVIS PRESLEY

He shakes his head, ashamed that you would even think that he stole the name of THE KING OF ROCK N' ROLL. He's the KING OF BASS, remember?

>BILLY-O BASSPLAYER

He gives this one some thought, because it certainly sums up who he is. But no. He wouldn't be caught dead with a name like BILLY-O.

>JIM BASSPLAYER

If it wasn't obvious, he doesn't have a NOUNVERBER last name. Descriptive though it may be, it just doesn't fit him.

>JIM

Tread carefully.

>GRANGER

His name is JIM GRANGER. We now have enough context to establish MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION.

"What took you so long?" says Jim. "We almost started without you."

"Sorry," you say. "I had to find my guitar, then I forgot my name, then I had to resist the urge to snoop in my sister's room..."

"Calm down, calm down. Happens to me all the time. Now, did you get the guitar?"

"Sure did," you say, bringing the blue beauty out from hammerspace and into the light. "She's all tuned and ready to go."

"Well, then. Shall we?"

You join JIM and the TWO AS-YET-UNNAMED GIRLS in the corner of your room dedicated to this sort of thing. You're about to tear into your first track when one of your COMPUTERS emits a "DING" and lights up. There's a notice on the monitor.

>CHECK PESTERCHUM

Pester... chum? You have no idea what that is. The notice is for an email.

>CHECK EMAIL

You have two NEW MESSAGES in your INBOXDEX. Thankfully, you sprang for an ARRAY Fetch Modus. That's good, because ulike the VAST MAJORITY OF THE POPULATION, you lack a BIZZARE LIKING FOR INVENTORY MANAGEMENT PUZZLES.

>CHECK FIRST EMAIL

Spam. You delete it.

>CHECK SECOND EMAIL.

You've been approved for the second phase of the SBURB BETA! You motion your friends over to see. They seem MILDLY NONPLUSSED that you've forgotten about JAMMING, but this is overridden by their EXCITEMENT about getting into the BETA.

There is a LINK in the EMAIL for a digital download of the SBURB BETA SERVER and CLIENT.

>INSTALL SBURB SERVER

You click the link to install the SERVER. A generic-looking loading bar appears on your screen.

You have the SERVER, but to play the game, you need both the SERVER and CLIENT.

>INSTALL CLIENT ON SECOND COMPUTER

Fantastic idea! Jim slides into the co-pilot's chair, opens the EMAIL, and begins installing the CLIENT. A pretentious-looking spirograph appears on his screen, and some prententious-sounding yet awesome music begins playing.

While you wait for the game to finish downloading, you spin your chair to look at the TWO UNNAMED GIRLS. You're sure they weren't always like that.

The one on the right has her blonde hair done up in a ponytail. She's an ACE in vocals, and you could swear she's nearly shattered glass on one occasion. Her shirt bares her midriff... slightly. You get the feeling she only leaves that little sliver uncovered just to say she does.

What was her name?

>HYSTERICAL DAME

She's taken aback at this. She's very rarely hysterical, she'll have you know. And she doesn't even wear lipstick.

>ZOE MILLA

Her name is ZOE MILLA. Pronounced MEE-UH.

The other girl has hair about as dark as Jim's. But not quite. She wears hers long, in the sense of the word that she doesn't put anything in it. It only hits her shoulders. She's QUEEN of the KEYTAR. She's studied harmonics, but only enough to know why two different sounds sound great together.

Her name is...

>NERVOUS BR-

Let me stop you right there.

>SAMANTHA ERICA

That's probably the worst stealth pun I've ever heard.

>SAMANTHA HUSSIE

I don't know, the last name seems... off. Somehow.

>SAMANTHA CAMPBELL

Her name is SAMANTHA CAMBELL, SAM for short.

Jim waves you away from the land of estrogen. The installations are done. You log into the SERVER and connect to JIM'S CLIENT. A green HOUSE CURSOR appears over what seems to be your room.

All four of you LOOK UP, and notice a GIANT GREEN CURSOR hovering over your heads.

You all promptly flip out, because that is what SANE AND RATIONAL PEOPLE would do in this situation.

Re: MSPA fan-fiction

Originally Posted by Graven_Image

HouseBan'd

(Title Unrelated, used only for the pun)

A young man stands in a closet. Today isn't very exceptional, although he's definitely excited about something. His hair's an unkempt mess, but he's the sort of kid who can get away with it. He's rather a JACK of all trades when it come to music, but the GUITAR is definitely his forte.

But wait! What's this young man's name?

>JACK SQUAT

Hmm. A nice pun, but he's already the JACK. He can't be named "JACK" and be a JACK at the same time.

>GUITAR GEORGE

Well, he does know ALL THE CHORDS. But he's not one for silly references.

>CHARLIE HOSS

Your name is CHARLIE. You're in the closet to get your GUITAR. Your three friends are in YOUR ROOM nearby with their INSTRUMENTS to check out your newest game. They plan on JAMMING OUT in your GARAGE as soon as they're done.

On the walls are three lockers, labelled "ARMS", "CHARLIE'S THINGS", and "DO NOT OPEN".

>RETRIEVE ARMS FROM LOCKER

Oh, yes. How silly of you. You get your twin .22 pistols from the ARMS locker and allocate them to your PISTOLKIND Strife Specibus. Your parents are real self-defense freaks, and never let anyone leave the house without a firearm of some kind.

The ARMS LOCKER is now empty.

>OPEN THE "DO NOT OPEN" LOCKER

Well, you would, if you could, but you can't. The LOCKER TO NOT BE OPENED needs three KEYS to be opened: a BLUE KEY, a RED KEY, and a KEY OF INDETERMINATE COLOR. Even if you could find the two COLORED KEYS, your DAD keeps the INDETERMINATELY COLORED KEY on his person at all times. Or, at least, you think he does. No one's ever seen it, actually. That's why you don't know its color.

>OPEN CHARLIE'S LOCKER

You open your locker. Inside, it's empty, except for an ELECTRIC GUITAR.

>CAPTCHALOGUE THE GUITAR IN YOUR SYLLADEX

Now why would you do that? You've got a perfectly good GUITARKIND Strife Specibus in your STRIFE PORTFOLIO.

>FINE, ALLOCATE THE GUITAR INSTEAD

That's more like it. Both of your STRIFE SPECIBI are now occupied.

>LEAVE THE CLOSET

You leave the closet. You are now in the BACK HALLWAY of your house. To the left is YOUR ROOM, from which you can hear three distict voices chattering away. To the right is your SISTER'S ROOM, which is currently vacant and unlocked.

>ENTER SISTER'S ROOM

You really don't want to do that. If your sister doesn't walk in on you and beat you to a pulp, your friends will most likely walk in and chew you out for messing around.

>ENTER YOUR ROOM

You enter YOUR ROOM. Inside, you are reminded of your MANY INTERESTS. But most of those are boring. However, you do enjoy PLAYING GUITAR, which is why we found you in the closet in the first place, and you also enjoy VIDEO GAMES, as evidenced by your two computers and one GAMING CONSOLE, built by A NON-SPECIFIC GAMING COMPANY.

Your one male friend walks up to you. He's got a head of well-manicured black hair, and a set of shades that rival those of THAT REALLY IRONIC KID FROM SCHOOL. He's the KING at playing BASS, and can slap bass so well that you don't really need a drummer.
What was his name?

>ELVIS PRESLEY

He shakes his head, ashamed that you would even think that he stole the name of THE KING OF ROCK N' ROLL. He's the KING OF BASS, remember?

>BILLY-O BASSPLAYER

He gives this one some thought, because it certainly sums up who he is. But no. He wouldn't be caught dead with a name like BILLY-O.

>JIM BASSPLAYER

If it wasn't obvious, he doesn't have a NOUNVERBER last name. Descriptive though it may be, it just doesn't fit him.

>JIM

Tread carefully.

>GRANGER

His name is JIM GRANGER. We now have enough context to establish MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION.

"What took you so long?" says Jim. "We almost started without you."

"Sorry," you say. "I had to find my guitar, then I forgot my name, then I had to resist the urge to snoop in my sister's room..."

"Calm down, calm down. Happens to me all the time. Now, did you get the guitar?"

"Sure did," you say, bringing the blue beauty out from hammerspace and into the light. "She's all tuned and ready to go."

"Well, then. Shall we?"

You join JIM and the TWO AS-YET-UNNAMED GIRLS in the corner of your room dedicated to this sort of thing. You're about to tear into your first track when one of your COMPUTERS emits a "DING" and lights up. There's a notice on the monitor.

>CHECK PESTERCHUM

Pester... chum? You have no idea what that is. The notice is for an email.

>CHECK EMAIL

You have two NEW MESSAGES in your INBOXDEX. Thankfully, you sprang for an ARRAY Fetch Modus. That's good, because ulike the VAST MAJORITY OF THE POPULATION, you lack a -BIZZARE LIKING FOR INVENTORY MANAGEMENT PUZZLES.

>CHECK FIRST EMAIL

Spam. You delete it.

>CHECK SECOND EMAIL.

You've been approved for the second phase of the SBURB BETA! You motion your friends over to see. They seem MILDLY NONPLUSSED that you've forgotten about JAMMING, but this is overridden by their EXCITEMENT about getting into the BETA.
There is a LINK in the EMAIL for a digital download of the SBURB BETA SERVER and CLIENT.

>INSTALL SBURB SERVER

You click the link to install the SERVER. A generic-looking loading bar appears on your screen.

You have the SERVER, but to play the game, you need both the SERVER and CLIENT.

>INSTALL CLIENT ON SECOND COMPUTER

Fantastic idea! Jim slides into the co-pilot's chair, opens the EMAIL, and begins installing the CLIENT. A pretentious-looking spirograph appears on his screen, and some prententious-sounding yet awesome music begins playing.

While you wait for the game to finish downloading, you spin you chair to look at the TWO UNNAMED GIRLS. You're sure they weren't always like that.

The one on the right has her blonde hair done up in a ponytail. She's an ACE in vocals, and you could swear she's nearly shattered glass on one occasion. Her shirt bares her midriff... slightly. You get the feeling she only leaves that little sliver uncovered just to say she does.

What was her name?

>HYSTERICAL DAME

She's taken aback at this. She's very rarely hysterical, she'll have you know. And she doesn't even wear lipstick.

>ZOE MILLA

Her name is ZOE MILLA. Pronounced MEE-UH.

The other girl has hair about a dark as Jim's. But not quite. She wears hers long, in the sense of the word that she doesn't put anything in it. It only hits her shoulders. She's QUEEN of the KEYTAR. She's studied harmonics, but only enough to know why two different sounds sound great together.

Her name is...

>NERVOUS BR-

Let me stop you right there.

>SAMANTHA ERICA

That's probably the worst stealth pun I've ever heard.

>SAMANTHA HUSSIE

I don't know, the last name seems... off. Somehow.

>SAMANTHA CAMPBELL

Her name is SAMANTHA CAMBELL, SAM for short.

Jim waves you over from the land of estrogen. The installations are done. You log into the SERVER and connect to JIM'S CLIENT. A green HOUSE CURSOR appears over what seems to be your room.

All four of you LOOK UP, and notice a GIANT GREEN CURSOR hovering over your heads.
You all promptly flip out, because that is what SANE AND RATIONAL PEOPLE would do in this situation.

Here's hoping I don't get drowned again.

Very nice. I feel like there is a lot of references I'm missing. I'm ok with that. I can't help the feeling that Sam Cambell is a mix of the of bruce campbell and his character on burn notice names.