3 Tips for a Sweet Dating New Year

A few ideas for finding your bashert.

Have frustrating dates and relationships caused you put up walls of defense around your heart? Have you lost touch with your inner sweetness – that vulnerable, innocent, love-filled part of yourself that was once so excited about the possibility of finding your true love?

I want to reassure you, you can turn things around – you can open yourself back up to love. This Rosh Hashanah – this time of renewal and the season of apples and honey – you can make this year your year to find – and enjoy – the sweetest, most satisfying, and uplifting relationship.

3 Things You Can Do Every Day To Tap Into Love and Your Inner Sweetness

1. Do one sweet thing for yourself every single day.

Get out there and do something you love just for the sake of enjoying yourself.

Being sweet to yourself can be very simple. Buy yourself flowers. Go play golf with one of your buddies. Listen to music and let your body move to the groove. Visit a museum by yourself or with your friends.

Sometimes you need a big sweet treat like finally going on that diving adventure or spa vacation.

What does this have to do with letting down your guard and making room for love in your life?

All too often as adults, we spend our time doing what we are “supposed” to be doing – working really hard so that we’re financially successful, trying to prove our worth to others by conforming to the expectations of our family and friends, and doing whatever else we can to look good.

Allowing yourself to feel good and giving yourself even just a few minutes a day to focus on nurturing your soul is so essential and powerful. Giving yourself this sweetness helps dissolve those defenses that are getting in your way of finding love.

Think about it. Is your ideal partner someone who’s closed off, hardened, and untrue to him or herself?

Of course not.

So you’ve got to let yourself embody the very qualities that you find attractive in a mate.

If you’re not true to yourself, you’re not going to be able to attract your true bashert.

So go on. . .give yourself some sweet love every day – no matter how small or how big.

2. Do one sweet thing for someone else every day.

Let yourself experience the joy of giving with no expectation of return. Experiment with allowing yourself to be in the other person’s shoes and thinking about what would make them smile.

Is one of your friends feeling really overwhelmed with juggling the responsibilities of work and taking care of her family? Cooking dinner for her family and sending over an extra meal to stick in the freezer might be just the thing to lift her spirits.

Are there people in your community suffering from hunger? Volunteer once a week at a soup kitchen or start a healthy food drive to make sure all the kids in your area have access to food that nurtures their hearts, minds, and bodies

Love animals? Spend some time helping out at your local animal shelter.

Know a family member who’s feeling lonely? Give him or her a call or get together with them.

Again, you might be wondering what all of this has to do with finding love.

When you’ve been dating for a long time and not meeting with success, you start getting down on yourself. Some part of you enters into the dangerous rut of “Woe is me” thinking, which leads to depressing self-absorption.

Of course, that’s not going to help you find love. Who wants to be with a negative, self-centered person?

So these generous acts of sweetness get you out of this rut and put you back in that wonderful dynamic of giving and receiving, which is what relationships are all about.

Even when you give without the expectation of receiving anything in return, you do get something – you get to give. . .you get to experience this wonderful inner expansion.

It’s awesome, and you should do it every day. Try it. If you’re out there spreading love and joy (instead of inside feeling pity and frustration), you’re so much more likely to meet and attract people who are doing the same thing. . .and one of those people might just be Your One.

3. Be sweet to all of your dates.

Many of us fantasize about finding our perfect match in the quickest, most direct way, but the reality is that finding love doesn’t always work this way.

You might have to go out on many dates before you find the one for you, but you can’t let yourself feel bad about doing your part in the process of finding love.

The person you’re sitting opposite from on a coffee date might not be the one for you, but you can still treat him or her as a gem.

Every single person is special in his or her own way. They are going to be the right person for someone else. So listen with generosity to what your date has to say. You might never see him or her again, but at least you will have honored the light within them – their special spark. (You might even know someone who would be good for him or her.)

If you feel that your date has potential, share your vision of the future and what is most important to you and then ask “How about you?” Let go of the superficial stuff and get down to the heart of the matter.

When you put these three tips into action, your whole life is going to open up and become richer and sweeter.

You’re going to feel so much more uplifted on your meet-to-marry journey.

I’d love to know one of the sweet things you’re going to do for yourself today or for someone else, so feel free to share or ask questions in the comments.

About the Author

Bari Lyman is the creator of the Meet to Marry method, which has helped hundreds of single men and women blast through whatever has been getting in their way of finding their perfect match. She's also the author of Meet to Marry: A Dating Revelation for the Marriage Minded, which earned Stephen Covey’s praise for being “smart, principled and engaging.” You can transform your love life right now by heading over to her website (www.meettomarry.com) and getting your free copy of the 7 Mistakes When Dating to Marry (and how to avoid them).

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 7

(5)
Anonymous,
September 15, 2013 1:12 AM

today, just after Yom Kippur, I just realized how much hardened and untrue with myself I have been in the last year.. and I finally manage to lose a very sweet person which in fact I love a lot... I'm sure that following your suggestions would had make a big difference in my relationship... I'm sure, I want to repeat : be sweet... that's the right thing to do. I'm sure. Now, I'm disappointed by myself... and a bit sad.. I have to start all over again, it seams difficult.. but... Tomorrow I'm going to help to build the communal Sukka' .. that will be my first act of kindness to my friends and myself... I still need a lot more to do.. what else?

miriam,
October 10, 2013 2:28 PM

That was a great yet simple start. I'm sure you had a wonderful time. Keep up the sweet work. Someone is always watching...

(4)
scott,
September 7, 2013 5:09 AM

Don't miss the bus.

As a general set of guidelines to be a decent person, those are good ideas. But they have little to do with finding a spouse.

The idea that that person is simply waiting out there for you is silly. While I do believe that some people are more compatible for you and those compatible people are looking for their mate...they're not waiting. My wife is perfect for me in many ways and when I romanticize things I will say that she is the one... but as a person that spent a lot of time dating and meeting people, I know that there were several people that were compatible. Perhaps more so. But because either I or they weren't in the right frame of mind at the time we missed those buses.

Right frame of mind? .I dated a woman that I was really interested in, but she just wouldn't respond. I ran into her after I got engaged to my wife and she was surprised that I was engaged. Didn't think I was the marrying kind. We talked and it turned out that she had misinterpreted almost everything I said or did in during our meetings. She was juggling a bunch of guys on j-date and starting a business and wasn't really paying attention. It wasn't one of these "I missed the love of my life moments" we never got that far...but it was a wakeup call for her. She let a "good one" get away.

She congratulated me and vowed to herself to pay more attention. To be more present with men she dated. She was engaged four months later. Did she marry? Is she happy? I don't keep up with exes (good rule). I heard about it thought business contacts.

Want to get married? Pay attention. Stop playing games. Listen and talk. Be honest and a little vulnerable. Throw out your preconceived notions about people. Sometimes its a long time between buses so get on and make eye contact with the other passengers. Pay attention.

You might find a ride that lasts you whole life.

(3)
Anonymous,
September 2, 2013 12:41 AM

Love is a Verb

I read a lot about love, falling in love finding your love. This is a misconception. You need to think of love as a verb. It comes from the aramaic Ahab which means to give. When someone constantly gives to person that is how love comes about. Sorry love is not what you're looking for when you get married, love comes with time after giving to one another over time. What you're looking for is good characteristic traits and shared long time goals. Your article seems to be talking about romance which is a non Jewish concept and deceives many into thinking that if they can't find romance, or are not good romancers they are failures. This is all wrong. I learned the key to getting married many years ago from Rabbi Manes Friedman when he said, if you want to get married you have to stop dating. Dating is often about romance and having a good time having nothing to do with looking for a person with the proper character traits and shared future goals. After I personally dating hundreds over the course of over 15 years, a professional and talented dater, finally two people recommended the same person... kinda set up. I recommend set-ups by people who know you.

(2)
Anonymous,
September 1, 2013 9:12 PM

Thank you and Question - How to stay positive when others are negative

Thank you for this wonderful article. What a great way to start the year! My question is, the times when I've really tried to embody this type of advice, I will inevitably encounter a guy who is negative, closed-off, self-involved, not serious, etc. Even when the date is over, I have to admit the negativity does bring me down a little. How can I avoid 'absorbing' the other person's negative energy when I'm trying so hard to stay optimistic? Thank you any ideas, and once again for a terrific, warmly written article.

Anonymous,
September 2, 2013 2:06 PM

I don't know if this helps.

My dear one, I understand your feeling completely, (i think).
It happens to all of us. What comes to my mind is: to be happy on your own to begin with so that not too much hope is placed upon initial meetings and to have a restoration plan in place to bring your spirits back to where they were before the date. Call a friend or family member who always makes you feel good, treat yourself to that splurge you've been wanting, or anything healthy that makes you feel good. A good place to start is before the date. Write down things that make you feel joy. Think of a whole range of things from the very simple to the elaborate. All of this must be pre planned like a disaster preparedness or fire escape plan. This way you are not struggling trying to feel good after a disappointment. I used to come home and cry after such meetings. I don't do that anymore. I hope it helps. I hope this year you are inscribed for more joy than you've ever imagined possible and you find your husband.

(1)
matthew,
September 1, 2013 5:30 PM

an impressive walk

Today, my not-so-little brother was worked up about something. He has a very difficult time expressing how he feels when he is angry, so, we went on a long walk. The impressive part is that he is 6'0 215 lbs- I am only 155, and he wore me out!

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...