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Author
Topic: The Super Dooper Funny Thread (Read 44964 times)

I had expressed my concern to Mom that my IRA and Stock Portfolio might be wiped put pretty soon.

She sent me this:

FW: Stock Market> > Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or> selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn> you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.> Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:> American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue> Company.> > Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight> on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may> be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today,> and millions were wiped clean.> > It's a tough market out there. Be careful!> > A government big enough to give you everything you want,> is strong enough to take everything you have.> ......Thomas Jefferson

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"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was" Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV1993AZTNorvir1994-2001Crixivan/Epivir/ZeritNo Meds for 7 Years

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then trows the other end of the rope to the horse, and, driving the car forward, saves him from sinking.

a few days later...

The chicken and the horse are playing on the meadow again. This time, it's the chicken that falls into the mud hole.

The chicken yells to the horse to go get some help from the farmer.

The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole."

He stands over the hole, stretches out, and says,"Grab my thingie. Then pull yourself up to safety."

The chicken does just that, and is rescued.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse,you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

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"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was" Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV1993AZTNorvir1994-2001Crixivan/Epivir/ZeritNo Meds for 7 Years

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd, as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular attririon of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operated as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

This is why I always feel smarter after a few beers!

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"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was" Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV1993AZTNorvir1994-2001Crixivan/Epivir/ZeritNo Meds for 7 Years

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years,Reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use theRestroom. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He studied Economics andBusiness Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and nowhe's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his bestFriend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride andJoy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school toBecome a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the bestUniversities and became an engineer. Then he started his own constructionCompany and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something veryNice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square footMansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned fromThe restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for theSuccesses of our sons. ....What about your son?' The fourth man replied:

'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame...what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and heReceived a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a topOf the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!!!!!!!!

Three girls worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was horrified to see her husband in bed with her boss!

Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"

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"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was" Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV1993AZTNorvir1994-2001Crixivan/Epivir/ZeritNo Meds for 7 Years

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a double-wide trailer.

So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him he and his wife didn't want any more kids. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So he decided to get a second opinion, and sure enough, he was given the same instructions for a vasectomy as before.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5....", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

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"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was" Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV1993AZTNorvir1994-2001Crixivan/Epivir/ZeritNo Meds for 7 Years

One afternoon in Jerusalem, a group of towns people were chasing a murderer and they finally cornered him in a dead-end alley. They all began to pick up rocks, as stoning was a fitting punishment for murder, when Jesus, suddenly appeared in their midst. He said "Let he is without sin, cast the first stone". Upon hearing this, one by one, the towns people dropped their stones.

When all of a sudden, a small woman makes her way, from the back of the crowd, picks up a large rock and hits the murderer in the head, killing him instantly. At this, Jesus turns to the woman and says "You know mom, sometimes you really piss me off".

A young guy from Texas moves to California and ges to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the day was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down."How many sales did you make today?', Kid says "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. "How much was the sale for?"Kid says, "$101,237.64."The boss says, " 101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"Kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, i sold him a larger fish hook.

Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast.....so I told him he was going to need a boat.

So we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer.

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

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"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was" Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV1993AZTNorvir1994-2001Crixivan/Epivir/ZeritNo Meds for 7 Years

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

Crow said "Sure, why not?"

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson No.2

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but, I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull, "They're packed with nutrients"The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch.

He continued to eat more dung daily until after a week, he finally was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon, he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Lesson:Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson No. 3

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the Boss. the brain said, "I should be the Boss because I control the body;s responses and functions."The feet said, "We should be Boss because we carry the brain about and get him where he wants to go."The hands said, "We should be Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.

So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss.....so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit.

Lesson:You don't need to be a brain to be the Boss....just an asshole.

Lesson No. 4

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Lessons:A) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemyB) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friendC) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

« Last Edit: November 27, 2008, 02:50:15 AM by rondrond »

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"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was" Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV1993AZTNorvir1994-2001Crixivan/Epivir/ZeritNo Meds for 7 Years

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read . 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the Man would have said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'

Answers:1. White Christmas2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth4. O Holy Night5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear6. O Come, All Ye Faithful7. Away in a Manger8. Deck the Hall9. Little Drummer Boy10. We Three Kings11. Silent Night12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town14. Let it Snow15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer17. What Child is This?18. Joy to the World19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing20. The Twelve Days of Christmas

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

"They won't let me fart."

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When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced; live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world will cry and you will rejoice!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because . WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING !

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms....... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them . . . CONGRATULATIONS

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When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced; live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world will cry and you will rejoice!

The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question - worth 500 points! "To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer." The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!" The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do,) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'" "You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

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Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly,Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

While suturing the cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation. Eventually the topic of Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from the presidency came up. The old rancher said, “Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.” Not familiar with the term the doctor asked what a post turtle was. The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle.” The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued: “You know she didn’t get up there by herself, she doesn’t belong up there, and you wonder what kind of dumbass put her up there to begin with.”

After getting tired of meeting someone via the bar scene, a woman placed an ad in the local newspaper saying "Wanted: A Unigue Lover". A few days went by and her doorbell rang. When she opened her door and was a man with no arms and no legs.

She said, "May I help you?" He replied, "I am here in response to your ad for a unique lover." She replied, "But Sir, you have no arms!" He replied, " It just means that I will never hit you."

She then said, But Sir, you have no legs!" He replied, It just means that I will never walk out on you!" She then asked, "Ok, what makes you think you ARE indeed a unique lover?"

His response was "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

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When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced; live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world will cry and you will rejoice!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

"They won't let me fart."

Logged

When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced; live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world will cry and you will rejoice!

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large Plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once In a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 Bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and See if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that Money? "You didn't steal it, di d you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right Next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans Come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand Behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his Thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the Way, what's in the other bag?"

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her

private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor

whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough,

there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened,

telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex'

will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical,

but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no

heart rate . The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?'

they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.

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Cruise on down the High Way

"When people who are not ready jump in, things can go horribly wrong. For most of us, there is always time to take a deep breath, consider one's options and make a careful, sound decision based on clinical fact, not emotion."MtD

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than amile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.>>>> I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't>> believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad>> passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been >> married>> for twelve years.>>>> When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back >> yard>> and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her >> unconscious.>> He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR.>> When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he>> was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why>> neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd>> been having an affair for the past six months.>>>> I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six>> months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and>> worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum >> he>> has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him>> anymore.>>>> Can you please help?>>>> Sincerely,>> Susie Fox>>>>>> Dear Susie,>> A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a>> variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel>> line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the>> inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the>> problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low>> delivery pressure to the carburettor.>>>>

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Cruise on down the High Way

"When people who are not ready jump in, things can go horribly wrong. For most of us, there is always time to take a deep breath, consider one's options and make a careful, sound decision based on clinical fact, not emotion."MtD