How in the world do you counter someone who says that they "should be allowed" to have private friends? That I don't have to know everyone they're friends with? That we should have some independence? That I'm not his mother and should stop "prying"?

How do you counter the "you're being controlling" when I say that friends are fine but secret friends are not?

How do you reply when they say "I don't tell you about my friends because you'll just criticize them," even though I don't?

I can't find good words to say in those moments.

Me - BS
Him - WH
Together 17 years, married 14

Posts: 20 | Registered: Feb 2014

norabird♀ 42092Member # 42092

Posted: 12:45 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014

The night of 2nd Dday my exWBF said "Can't I even make friends?!"

Well...yes, you are allowed and encouraged to have friends.

But going out to a bar to pick someone else up does not count as 'making friends'.

I say this as someone who had a lot of my own friends during the relationship, some who he never ended up meeting, but ALL of whom I would have had him meet, would have told him anything he wanted to know, etc.

So, based on my experience, what you are being told sets off a million alarm bells. He also said that night "It's all or nothing with you, isn't it?"

I mean--yes. It either a committed relationship without cheating, or it isn't. Nov wiggle room there.

What he is saying is gaslighting, misdirection, blameshifting, everything the opposite of remorse.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4281 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC

hopefulmother♀ 38790Member # 38790

Posted: 1:03 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014

You get them to read "Not Just Friends"....then tell them you deserve respect, expect respect, and if you don't get it and he isn't willing to give it...leave.

SORRY: Married men and women do not have secret friendships with the opposite sex. Or any friendship that trumps the friendship within the marriage.

Gee, really! The audacity of these WS.

Me-BW 40
WH-40
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1153 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA

mezmer♀ 42406Member # 42406

Posted: 1:17 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014

I'd be making friends with a divorce lawyer.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington

Tearsoflove♀ 8271Member # 8271

Posted: 1:23 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014

My husband told me that I shouldn't be able to choose his friends and that he should be able to be friends with women that I'm not also friends with. I told him that he could be friends with anyone he wanted. He just couldn't do that and also be married to me. I told him to decide which was more important to him, his friendships or his marriage, and I would act accordingly. His argument didn't hold water and he knew it. By the time I got home from work the same day he apologized and told me he was choosing his marriage. He knew that if he chose the friendships, I was done with him.

If you put it to him that he can't do something, he's going to say you're controlling him. But if you give him a choice with consequences, the decision is his to make. You have to be prepared to follow through if he makes a choice you don't like otherwise it's a waste of time. If you know you can't follow through there is no point in trying to set boundaries. But you also have to know that without boundaries and consequences to protect you, you will spend your life agonizing over what he's doing and with whom. Knowing that I would worry constantly without setting some sort of boundaries and consequences to protect myself made setting them a lot easier for me. You will have to decide what you can live with and act accordingly. I will tell you that turning a blind eye and pretending things don't bother you just to keep the status quo doesn't usually work. You'll lose a little more of your self-respect each and every time you don't stand up for yourself.

How do you counter the "you're being controlling" when I say that friends are fine but secret friends are not?
How do you reply when they say "I don't tell you about my friends because you'll just criticize them," even though I don't?

Holy crap that sounds like the kind of self-important drivel we spout to our parents when we think we're grown-up but clearly don't know yet know our ass from a hole-in-the-ground.

My recommended reply to a WH who thinks he should be able to have secret friends?
Papers. As in being served.

There is no remorse in that reaction. Just self-indulgence and gaslighting.
He wants to win the argument more than he wants to be married.

xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4243 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast

jpumpkin♀ 42148Member # 42148

Posted: 5:52 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014

The last time I got that crap, I told him it didn't matter how innocent he claimed it was it bothered me and as his wife, my feelings should trump these friendships. I also asked him how he would feel if the roles were reversed. We didn't speak for ten days, but he finally came to me and said I was right and he would not like it if a guy I knew was always texting me. The texting stopped. She was completely removed from our world when he changed jobs and he denied her friend request on FB without me ever saying a word about it.

Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2014

tushnurse♀ 21101Member # 21101

Posted: 6:42 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014

When I read the topic of the thread my first thought was Well then I feel entitled to half your shit while you go live in your car. You can have all the secrets you want then.

Seriously. You have to put that shit to a stop YESTERDAY. There are NO secrets in a marriage.
If he attempts to rationalize it then you walk away. Very clearly and calmly state what your expectations are if he chooses to not live up to them you need to walk away.

When I caught my STBXH chatting with the OW #1, he complained that he was "allowed to have friends!" and I said yes, of course you can have friends, but married men don't have secret lady friends they hide from their wives! Turns out secret friend was more than "just a friend."

Fast forward, his new "just friends" was OW #2, and she divorced her H to marry mine.

Married people don't have secret opposite sex friends. Unless they are cheating. Period.

The translation to everything he is saying to you is: I am still cheating on you and I intend to continue cheating on you.

I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8881 | Registered: Jan 2008

solus sto♀ 30989Member # 30989

Posted: 7:40 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014

How in the world do you counter someone who says that they "should be allowed" to have private friends?

I'd say (but it took me a really long time to get to this point), "Yes, honey--you are an adult, and can certainly make your own decisions. Even stupid and selfish decisions. I'm an adult, too. And I choose to be in a relationship in which I am not shut out of my partner's life--a relationship that is not rife with secrecy and lies masquerading as 'privacy.' You can definitely have private friends. And I can definitely choose to reevaluate whether this is a relationship I wish to continue."

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.

Posts: 6213 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas

NeverAgain2013♀ 38121Member # 38121

Posted: 11:33 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014

Honestly, being in a committed relationship or marriage where you constantly have to monitor your mate because he/she isn't trustworthy and they aren't behaving honorably, is too much of a burden and not worth the trouble.

What would I do? I'd probably be packing my bags and signing a lease on my new place.

Which is exactly what I DID do in this very situation.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 2417 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA

Realizationland♀ 42413Member # 42413

Posted: 4:12 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014

Honestly, being in a committed relationship or marriage where you constantly have to monitor your mate because he/she isn't trustworthy and they aren't behaving honorably, is too much of a burden and not worth the trouble.

I've been thinking along these same lines. Sure, I could ask for passwords, logins, constant monitoring -- but I really, really don't want to live like that. Just the fact that I'd need to ask for that means there's a huge problem.

Me - BS
Him - WH
Together 17 years, married 14

Posts: 20 | Registered: Feb 2014

whywhywhywhy41852Member # 41852

Posted: 4:23 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014

less than a week before my husband left and then i found out about his multiple affairs he had said he never let me look in his phone because he had friends that were women- that he just chatted about the weather etc. about LOL and that i would get jealous...i had said to him- if its so innocent why would i be jealous??? Anyway i am just echoing what others have said. Check out his "private friends". pronto.