I didn’t go to the first BNASAA conference. I could have. I saw the ad in Bahá’í Canada and even called Marjorie for more information. The first man I ever loved had AIDS at the time, and he died in December 1989, a year after his diagnosis. Although I was married to somebody else, I helped him die that year. So it would have made sense to go, but I thought I was strong enough on my own and didn’t need a group. How wrong I was.

My marriage ended shortly after and a year and a half into my year of patience, I fell in love with a woman. I’d read all the Writings. I knew it was wrong. I just couldn’t make it stop – so when BNASAA held its second conference on homosexuality, at Green Acre, I went. I knew that the purpose wasn’t to challenge the law, but I hoped I’d meet other gay Bahá’ís who’d found a loophole that would make it all right. I really thought we’d talk about being gay and about being Bahá’í, but informally we talked about using sex as an addiction (a new concept for me), and formally we heard about being created noble and then abasing ourselves. It all made sense – and I became a BNASAA groupie.

Since BNASAA didn’t have the loopholes I was looking for, I wrote to the House of Justice – looking for their approval and I got it. They told me it was OK to love someone of the same sex, and they told me I was living in a society that sexualized everything, so it was no wonder that so many people confused love and sex. It was hard to hear that sex belonged to a married heterosexual couple, and that there was no way for this law to change, but the letter was full of love and although I didn’t like it, I knew that this Faith was bigger than my likes and dislikes, so with the help of 2 Local Spiritual Assemblies I left the relationship, willing to align with the will of God. It wasn’t easy. We owned a house together and I had to sell my interest, losing my entire investment in the process.

The stress precipitated a major depressive episode and I wasn’t able to work. I went onto long term disability and stayed there for many years. I lost the remainder of my life savings and moved into a one room shack in the woods with my 8 year old son, where we lived for 2 years. Of course, the depression wasn’t all because of my decision to leave.

The third BNASAA conference focused on Addictions, but what everyone wanted to talk about was the abuse that fed into the addictions. I’d been working through my abuse issues for several years, which were triggered by Randy’s diagnosis of AIDS, and made worse with every loss. This series of losses was just the final straw. The BNASAA conferences raised more questions than answers, and I often left, writing more letters to the House asking for clarity and sharing their answers with each subsequent conference. I never would have been able to attend the BNASAA conferences without the generous subsidies from the scholarship fund, so if you are one of the angels who paid my way over the years, please know that I am eternally grateful.

Each conference left me more determined than ever to align with the teachings of the Bahá’í Faith. As instructed, I read the Writings morning and night, and almost always found a quote that gave me insights into my struggle. I collected the quotes, and in 1996 was invited to share them with a conference at LouHelen. Up till that point, they were all in a file drawer, and I didn’t know what I had till I grouped them together, and a book was born. I didn’t like telling my story and being the centre of attention (my abusers told me that if I talked about what happened to me, I would be killed, and since I’d watched it happen to others, I knew it to be true), and at several conferences, I was unable to function and needed the support of the on-call therapist.

I owe another debt of gratitude to Pat Romano McGraw, who understood triggers and dissociative disorders and post traumatic stress and was able to get me though some tough situations. It was hard having all these writings at my disposal, and not living up to them. As it says in the Tablet of Ahmad: “the wisdom of every command shall be tested” and I was testing most of them!

I was back into another relationship, unable to live up to the standards of the Faith, about to become a household name when the book came out, and I wasn’t doing what it said to do. All of the quotes were nothing but “shoulds” and I was sinking under the weight. But I kept going to the conferences and I kept trying to bring my life into alignment with the Writings, and I guess it must have had some effect, because at the last conference, I met some people I hadn’t seen for several years, and they called me a poster child for BNASAA transformation, and I am grateful for this yardstick by which to measure my progress.

I think what they saw was my smile, and my willingness to make eye-contact, two things I hadn’t done at the earlier conferences. I still have a long way to go. I still struggle with anxiety and depression, and still live under a cloud of despair from time to time, but I do have hope, and most days, I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

At the beginning of the journey I wanted to talk to others who’d made it through, and I couldn’t find anyone. I promised that if I made it through, I’d show others it’s possible. So now the book is out in the world (Abuse and Violence: Reasons and Remedies, Bahá’í Publishing Trust India, 2009), taking on a life of its own, and I’ve started a Bahá’í-inspired life coaching practice, with a strong presence on the web, sharing the quotes with others and helping people apply the Writings to their everyday life situations. It was a real step, breaking the silence imposed on me by my abusers, putting my story out there on the internet.

You can find it if you look deeply enough, at www.susangammage.com I know these stories are meant to be anonymous, but sharing my story publically is part of my healing.

I’m proud to be affiliated with BNASAA and 10% of the royalties from the book are going back into the scholarship fund. Thank you God, for BNASAA and all the selfless steadfast sacrifices of its organizers! May we have 20 more good years, and 20 more after that. The world is waiting!

Yá Bahá’u’l-Abhá!

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About The Author

Susan Gammage is a Bahá’í-inspired author, educator and researcher with a passion for finding ways to help people apply Bahá'í principles to everyday life situations so they can learn to "live the life". She has published hundreds of articles and many books and nothing gives her greater pleasure than working on a whole lot more. She is blessed to be able to live in one of the most beautiful parts of Canada.
To hire her as a life coach: https://susangammage.com/shop or to contribute to the costs of developing and maintaining the site:
https://susangammage.com/product-category/donations

11 Comments

Dear Susan, your courage and honesty inspire me and your journey gives me hope. I too decided to have some presence on the web to share about my recovery. I still don’t have the courage to reveal who I am and still go under the nick name “empowered” hoping I remain empowered through God’s grace to align my life with His teachings.

I love your work and I am thankful to God for having found your blog. I will continue to read through your work and will continue to write about my journey. I hope that one day I can make it to BNASAA Conference and hope more than anything to have a BNASAA Presence in New Zealand where I live.

I read it while I was at BNASAA at Green Acre; and shared it with the friends! We had an “evening of the sacred” dedicated to her. She will certainly be missed by many people!

She was absolutely instrumental in putting together the original quotes, prayers and stories for my reference sites! It was a tedious, boring job as each quote had to be saved in its own file, then uploaded one by one. I was grateful she was interested in doing it for me. Just as she finished the job, she got sick . . .

Katya was a dear, dear friend. I got to know her in my early 20’s when I moved to Massachusetts. She was drawn to sensitive souls and had a wonderfully mischievous sense of humor. She was never unkind. She was always reaching out to people on the margins of society. She was a devoted Baha’i, but did not allow the rules regarding sexuality to prevent her becoming very close friends with gay people. The car accident that partially paralyzed her as a child did not greatly impact her spirit. The last time a saw Katya was an unexpected and happy surprise. Zabine Van Ness and I had gone the the Baha’i Center in San Francisco to share about Heart to Heart (a Baha’i teaching resource we had developed-http://hearttoheart.co). Katya was there and we had a wonderful conversation. I am sorry I did not make a greater effort to stay in touch these last few years. I will offer many prayers for her soul.

Nona Simons

March 1, 2014 at 1:33 am ·

Roya, Thank you for sharing about Katya Sousa. I will pray for this beautiful soul. Are there places you can refer me to so that I can learn more about this champion of love and justice?

Roya Bauman

February 28, 2014 at 3:35 pm ·

Abdia, you should know that Katya is in hospice and could use our prayers. Here is the relevant message, sent on 2/21/14:

Dear friends, Please pray for Elizabeth Catherine (Katya) Sousa. She
was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2011, and has undergone standard
treatment including surgery, chemo, and radiation. Yesterday she was
transferred to hospice care.

Many may not know this incredible lady who has worked closely with
BNASAA (The Baha’i Network on AIDS, Sexuality, Addictions and Abuse a
program that is a subcommittee of the NSA of Canada, and works with the
USA NSA in holding conferences and workshops at the 3 permanent Baha’i
Schools in the US + an additional location in the SE USA, as well as in
Canada.

Katya has assisted many who have since passed from AIDS, and has been an
angel assisting many troubled souls to become spiritually strong and to
develop within the stronghold of the Covenant. She has and will
continue to deeply touch all who have known her.

Thank you for your prayers.

Abdia Naidoo

February 11, 2014 at 8:10 am ·

Dearest Susan: Your frank letter is an inspiration. I was very blessed to be invited to a BNASSA conference many years ago and met a beautiful soul. Her name is Katya Sousa. Iam trying to connect with Katya again but was not able to. Katya needs to know that she had a great impact on my life through BNASSA. Let her know this if you are still in touch. With so much love,Abdia

Nona Simons

February 11, 2014 at 4:38 am ·

I just read this story for the first time, after seeing it posted on a story by a gay Baha’i man. You have great courage to share your truth in public, despite the fears you have regarding your biological family members. I don’t know if I would be so brave! I went to a BNASSA conference once at Bosch Baha’i School and it was truly a wonderful experience. I haven’t attended any other BNASSA meetings due to lack of funds, and now I have a husband who needs me close by due to physical problems. I did not know that BNASSA offered scholarships for those who couldn’t attend otherwise! In another post on this site, I heard that BNASSA may be starting local chapters. That is wonderful! I hope that I will be able to attend such a gathering in the future! Having been involved in the recovery movement and dealt with recovering from a traumatic childhood, I felt very at home when I went to BNASSA. I also didn’t have to explain things that those of us in recovery talk about or feel. There was just that immediate connection/understanding. Hopefully, as time progresses, the Baha’i communities will have gained more maturity and understanding about these issues. In the last few years, I have found more recovering Baha’is than I ever have before via the internet, Facebook, and the like. I hope that is the beginning of more good things to come. Thank you again for this wonderful and inspiring post.

Thanks for your encouraging and supportive comments, Talisa,
Yes, I know this quote. It’s from prayer for protection – I have the whole thing memorized and say it frequently!

Talisa

July 27, 2010 at 1:15 pm ·

Allah’u’Abha,
I deeply admire your bravery to speak out about these issues and about your story, as so many hide in the dark. Though I don’t struggle with the same things you do, I have my challenges nonetheless, as does everyone. My heart goes out to you and I’d like to share a quote from the Báb that helps me get through a lot of things. You may have already heard it but I’ll share anyway: “Whatever God hath willed hath been, and that which He hath not willed shall not be.” -The Báb
In Loving Service,
Talisa, age 19

Note: The materials on this site reflect the current understanding of Susan Gammage from her experience in the Bahá’í community and as a Bahá’í-inspired researcher/author. They do not represent an official interpretation of the Bahá’í Writings. They are simply offered as an educational resource for Bahá’ís to consider as they strive to understand and implement the Writings into their lives, institutions and communities. Any questions about the application of certain quotes to your own particular situation should be directed to the Bahá’í institutions. Official websites include www.bahai.org (international); http://www.ca.bahai.org/ (Canadian) and http://www.bahai.us/ (American).