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How to get your house fuck-ready

Gentlemen: It will increase you confidence immensely, should you have an inclination to invite a lady back to your home, to know that the space has been suitably prepared for the purpose. This is what you need to do:

Clean

This is where balance and discretion are required. Total shithole = she won’t want to stay for longer than necessary. Too clean = gay or prim, not a place to fuck. A rule of thumb is this: clean up pretty well and then lay out a little mess here and there just for show. Not dirty plates or undies on the floor. Rather, a pile of papers, a towel over a chair or an empty glass. Hamster bonus: TWO empty glasses.

The bed itself is something I’m unsure of. Logic would suggest that you should have clean sheets. Experience suggests this might be counterproductive. Being a lazy and disorganized bastard, I’ve sometimes had different girls over back to back (heh) and not had time to clean and dry the sheets. The girls seem to unconsciously detect the pheromones of their recent predecessor and it can drive them into a sexual frenzy. I’ve also had girls find long, black hairs on the pillow and they just mock-scolded me, ‘Oh, Nikolai, you naughty boy!’ So long as you react to this with rock-solid, smirking indifference it can help to show that you’re a popular bad boy whom she ought to be rooting.

I know another nice young fellow who got lucky and ended up with shit and blood on his sheets. His visitor guest didn’t complain about the experience so I suppose it was all above board. Anyway, according to his housemates he didn’t wash those sheets for several months afterwards. I do not recommend such an extreme approach.

Entertainment and Features

Oh God. Oh Jesus. It makes me wince to remember it.

I got a 21-year-old back to my place to watch a DVD. We picked one up on the way. Didn’t know what it was about, just looked like some kind of drama. Whoops! It was The Normal Heart. Basically every scene was gay sex, yet another gay man dying of full-blown AIDS or 1980s gay activists’ limp-wristed pontificating about how the government should save them from AIDS because the only alternative was to stop bumming each other. Very important and timely I’m sure but not good date material. Once we started watching it we couldn’t turn it off because that would have been homophobic. Needless to say, no heterosexual activity followed this viewing.

The moral of the story is, have a few suitable movies ready to go. Ones that are funny and just a little sexy are best. Oh, girls love Titanic and Troy. Makes them horny.

Also have a few things around as conversation starters. I have a gorgeous coffee table book full of landscape photos of my homeland. I also have some interesting wall hangings and books. Not too much, just a couple of things. A bachelor’s home, if he does not deliberately avoid it, tends to look a bit like an unused hospital.

Beverages

Maintain a good selection of alcohol at all times. Not just your own beer and scotch: think girly drinks like bottled cocktails, little bottles of champagne, beer you wouldn’t normally drink like Corona, white and red wine that might accompany any food and some spirits for mixing. Check the use-by dates to ensure you can leave them untouched for a while if necessary.

You should also have on hand the usual non-alcoholic beverages: coffee, a few types of tea, bottled water. My failing is that I always forget to have milk and white sugar on hand because I don’t consume them much myself. The point of having drinks is twofold. One, it makes your place as comfortable as possible. Two, it makes you seem like the kind of easygoing, freely drinking, non-judgemental guy that she would like to be sleeping with. To help with the latter, put a few bottles of whisky and wine out for show. It helps to build the right atmosphere. Put Bibles, Korans and Kant’s Groundwork of the Metaphysics of Morals out of sight.

Creature comforts

Ensure the heating/air conditioning is working, the toilet is flushing and the drains are unclogged. Men tend to ignore problems until they stop seeing them but women are more sensitive to minor inconveniences. Having said that, I’ve had all of these go wrong at one time or another and still gotten the shag.

Think ahead: do the blinds need closing? Anything else need fixing? You don’t want to interrupt foreplay to deal with these details.

Prophylactics

Keep condoms handy by your bed but not visible, i.e. in a drawer. Casually pulling one out at the right time will show her that you’re a cheeky playboy who does this all the time. Women follow the crowd – if they crowd is clearly fucking you, she will, too.

Conclusion

You could ignore most of the advice here and still do fine. Other factors (confidence, squat-hardened bum etc.) are more important. Mostly these preparation will benefit you by putting you at ease and helping to avoid distraction from your mission.