Madame Weebles’s predictions for 2013

As many of you know, I have something of a hotline to the spirit world. I know things. And I sense many important and exciting events in store for the coming year, so I want to share my predictions with you.

Jack Kerouac will return to earth in the body of a rabid dog and rip out the throat of the numbnuts who decided to crank out a tepid, unnecessary film adaptation of On the Road. The casting director who signed Kristen Stewart for a role will be found with a copy of the novel rammed up his cold, dead colon.

Prince William and Kate Middleton will welcome a son who will bear an unfortunate and uncanny resemblance to his grandfather, Prince Charles—complete with giant ears and constipated countenance. The front page of the Daily Mail will announce the birth with a photo of the baby and the headline, “A Royal Shame.” The Times header will read, “Newborn Prince Healthy but Lost Genetic Lottery.” And The Sun will simply declare, “BLOODY HELL!!”

In other celebrity baby news, the spawn of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West will have cloven hooves and will perform its own C-section.

The governments of the United States and Canada will jointly decide to banish Justin Bieber to an ice floe in the Arctic Circle. He will never be heard from again. The IQ of millions of tween girls will skyrocket shortly afterwards.

In sports, the New York Yankees will go 162-0, sweeping the playoffs and winning the World Series in 4 games. Alex Rodriguez will be out for the season, tormented by the ghost of Lou Gehrig yelling, “Suck it up, bitch!” The NFL will be rocked to its core next winter when a meteor lands in the middle of Cowboys Stadium, destroying both the Dallas Cowboys and the visiting Philadelphia Eagles. Americans will once again fail to give a rat’s ass about the upcoming Major League Soccer season.

Buoyed by the continued federal funding of PBS, the Children’s Television Workshop will introduce a new Sesame Street character, Bruce—Snuffalupagus’s boyfriend.

Sometime next month—or maybe later today—a woman in front of me will walk way too slowly, causing my blood pressure to rise until I finally go batshit crazy and push her in front of a bus.

President Obama will appoint Betty White as United States Ambassador to the World, which will usher in a new era of peace on earth.

There’s more, but my spirit guides just went for a cigarette break. If you have any questions about the year ahead, please feel free to ask. I will provide answers when my guides return.

I see you have a pretty good grasp of our British newspapers. The only one I beg to differ on is The Sun, if the newborn was as you described, then I’m pretty sure they would try and incorporate one of their highly amusing (to them) puns into the headline, maybe something like “Ear he comes!”. Titter.

Holy shit, John, it’s like YOU’RE Kreskin or something! That’s exactly what happened! I’d feel bad for the woman but she was texting while she was walking, so she didn’t even notice that she was about to be splattered over the grill of an oncoming vehicle.

You know how spirits are—they’re old and wise, so they’re old-school with their cigarette habits. And seriously, is there any doubt that the Kimye kid will have horns and a forked tail?? I haven’t checked the Bible lately, but I’m pretty sure this is the 7th sign.

It’s true, and we’ve discussed this, how Harry is way too good looking to be Charles’ kid. Hopefully Kate will get some strange on the side and the next kid will have a chance of looking okay. As for Bruce, the spirits are unclear as to what he’ll look like. I have a feeling he’ll look like Snuffy, except more buff.

Kim Kardasian — such a role model for young women, don’t you think Weebs? I bet her love child will follow in her footsteps. Maybe not. I do agree with the Betty White thing. Finally, another woman in the upper echelons, maybe then some shite can get did. Happy 2013 and thanks for your all-knowing wisdom. 😉

I admire Kim, don’t you, Brigitte? You have to give credit to a woman who became famous because of her sumptuous booty. The kid is going to be scary, though. Mommy and Daddy better keep a tub of Holy Water handy for when baby acts up.

1. Yes. In March he will get run over by a steamroller. I’ll be driving it.
2. It will, but not until one million people have signed a petition to make it so. It’s a good thing Bill Clinton initiated that campaign.
3. Taking into account your average liquid intake and the cold weather in Montreal, I estimate that you will pee 2,851 times. You will be awake for 2,847 of those incidents. You will not need to get up to pee during Evil Dead because they’re selling a movie tie-in Evil Dead Urination Jar, with Bruce Campbell’s picture on it.
4. Boobs.
5. You’re welcome.

Weebs,
You are such a clear channel! My guides are telling me the EXACT same things! And what’s with them taking a smoking break? Oh yeah, I guess on the other side they don’t have lungs so no risks associated with that dreadful habit…Oh yes, I’m getting a nudge from my guides. They told me to tell you that it will be a large family walking way too slowly – too many to shove in front of a bus…You will decide to make a right turn into Barneys, buy a new shearling coat and avoid life imprisonment. You’re welcome…
Cathy

Thank you, Cathy, and please thank your guides for me as well. They are even wiser than mine are. Shame about that family, but I did warn them. Good thing shearling coats were on sale at Barneys, otherwise I would surely have been caught.

From Red Sox Nation (I speak for them all): Damn Yankees. But as a transplant to the Philadelphia region, I heartily cheer your prediction on the sorry, sorry end to both the Eagles and the Cowboys. Both those franchises need to DIAF. Or a meteor strike.

Dah….all your predictions are so obvious! In my opinion you still haven’t proven your “gift”
I want to know
1. Will arrogance or people live longer?
2. Will Cleveland sport teams ever admit they will never win and lower their ticket prices?
3. Will Dr. Oz eyebrows ever get remotely close to his eyes?
4. Will the obesity disease spread to the life after?

1. People. Arrogance will fade as an ironic side effect of people killing each other off. When there are only a handful of people left, it will hard for them to be arrogant when they know they’re lower on the totem pole and food chain…
2. Not until 2014, when Cleveland fans finally band together and boycott all sporting events. Jim Thome and LeBron James will come back to town to participate in the protests.
3. No. As he gets more arrogant and overexposed, his eyebrows will retreat further from a combination of excessive smugness and plastic surgery.
4. Given that the universe is always expanding, it stands to reason that obesity will be a problem in the Afterlife as well. In fact, one of my guides just asked me if her ass looked fat today.

I think it’s the smoke rings—I mean, let’s face it, smoke rings are really cool. I don’t smoke, and I don’t like being around smokers all that much, but whenever I see someone blowing a smoke ring I become enthralled. So if I could blow smoke rings in spirit form, with no ill effects from the cigarettes, hell, I’d do it too!

I have a digital copy of On The Road sitting on my computer that I can’t get myself to open. I’m worried that I’ll be disappointed, but I also want to see the characters come to life. Did you watch the movie, Weebs? What should I do?

I did not watch the movie, as I have a policy against watching Kristen Stewart in anything. Also, I tolerated Garrett Hedlund in Tron: Legacy, but I’ll be damned if I’ll watch him in anything else. He’s terrible. So I’m afraid I can’t be of much help here, other than to say,that once you see it, you can’t UNSEE it. Bear that in mind.

I don’t know how many of those will come true, but I sure hope this one will: “President Obama will appoint Betty White as United States Ambassador to the World, which will usher in a new era of peace on earth.” She’s so cool.

And I agree. Kristen Stewart? Really? Even I have more facial expressions than her, and I’m a pretty flat affect kind of gal in person.

Well, it’s not my call, really, I’m just picking up the psychic vibrations here. But perhaps my spirit guides can intervene and encourage the Powers That Be to strap him to a rocket and blast him into the sun. That sure would be nice. And just wait until baseball season, mister. Just you wait.

Oh Weebs….much like your Cottage Cheese fear, I’m not to sure about some of this. The only redeeming quality for the Yankees, now, is Ichiro Suzuki. (Bet you can’t guess what team I like!) And…I happen to like Justin Beiber, but I’m not going to let you hold that against me. I like him because 14-year-old dudes won’t stop calling him gay. (I do really like the A-Rod bit.)

I know, I know, you and the rest of the world dislike the Yankees. I know you’re a Mariners fan. Sorry about taking Ichiro, I’m still not sure how that happened. But Bieber? Seriously? I don’t know, BroJo, it’s like I don’t know you anymore. Can we agree that Betty White will be a boon to the world, at least?

I won’t say I hate Kanye West, I just really intensely dislike him. I actually like Kim K. I’m afraid for their baby though. I’m afraid… In the spirit of being evolved — let’s all hope for the best! But if what you predict comes to light — I want a front row seat dammit!

I’m afraid not. A giant sinkhole develops underneath FOX news headquarters, swallowing up all the commentators, along with everyone else who works there. They will be covered by 12 tons of debris, and will never be found.

Madam, this post, quite frankly, is hilarious and one of my favorite posts ever. I liked it, then unliked it so I could like it again. I then repeated as necessary.

I do have some questions about the future. They are as follows:
1. Will a mass shooting at an NRA meeting change their stance on an assault weapon ban?
2. What will Taylor Swift sing about when she finds a relationship that lasts?
3. After Betty White brings peace to our precious earth, what will we have to blog about?
4.Will Big Bird and Mitt Romney duke it out on Celebrity Death Match? If so, who will win?

That’s all I can think of for now. Thank you for your time. I look forward to your witty responses.

1. Probably, because after the massacre there will be only one NRA member left alive, and he’ll be in a coma.
2. Hopefully she’ll be so happy and distracted that she’ll sing nothing.
3. World peace won’t bring an end to stupidity and bad fashion sense, so we’ll have that going for us.
4. Big Bird and Romney will face off in June. Big Bird sets Romney’s hair on fire, then rips out his intestines and strangles him with them. It will be a good fight.

They prefer American Spirit cigarettes but they’ll take Luckies in a pinch. We’ll make sure that you’re out of town, possibly catching a late-season Yankee game in which they increase their record to 147-0.

Here’s my question: which is worse, Bieber being touched by Harper, or Harper being touched by Bieber? Seems like a chicken/egg scenario there. They’re both beastly and insufferable. And Bieber has legions of insanely loyal girl followers who would probably do anything for him. Can we say the same about Harper? (I hope not)

Well… I know several people who scream and faint when they see Harper, but I think the motivation is different. The All-Seeing Weebles has cut to the heart of the matter, though, and I bow to the starry wisdom of her politico-entertainment koan.

That’s okay, Panda, you can ask as many as you like! Your tendonitis will clear up in 5 weeks. Sorry it couldn’t be sooner. But you’ll be much happier then. And you’ll master the art of counting—oh, wait, you already did. You’re good, no worries.

Bukach suggested something very similar above ^^, JM. Great minds think alike! Let’s hope that we can petition the American and Canadian leaders to grant this request, for the sake of both countries. And the world, really.

Adam, my man, I can’t lie to you. I see smokin’ hot booty for you in the near future. So hot that even I, as a straight woman, would tap it. She’s got a decent rack, too, from what I can tell, it’s a little hazy. Must be the cigarette smoke from my guides. Start loading up on protein bars and guzzling Gatorade now, because you’re going to need it. The spirits inform me that she’s insatiable. Enjoy!

You and me both, benzeknees—reality shows are humanity’s greatest scourge. I don’t see any change for this coming year, unfortunately. But in 2015, scientists will isolate a genetic mutation that drives people to pimp themselves out on television for a chance at fame and fortune. Pharma companies will be hard at work developing a drug to kill these cells. The first of these drugs will be on the market in 2016, and by 2017, reality shows will be a thing of the past. People will look with shame on this era, much like we look with shame on slavery, etc.

I’m sure you’re right. I mean, anyone who could be dying and still say he considered himself the luckiest guy on the face of the earth probably wouldn’t say that. But you know, A-Rod could probably make the Dalai Lama lose it, so it wouldn’t surprise me if the ghost of Lou felt the need to issue a smackdown from beyond.

“Go home, Spirit Guide! You are DRUNK!” Seriously, get ’em lit on martinis and then let the pranking begin… Not just moving the furniture around in the middle of the night, but a little super glue on a few congressional toilet seats could really unite the country!

That’s a really good idea. Except how does one get a spirit drunk? I don’t know if they’re susceptible to the effects of alcohol the way us mere mortals are. But man, how amazing would it be to prank people like that? I agree that super glue on the congressional toilet seats would be an excellent way to bring unity. Nothing brings people together like laughing at bloated buffoon politicians with their pants down.

The Yankees have a chance at 162-0 because my Reds aren’t on their schedule! So how do you really feel about the Dallas Cowboys, Philly Eagles, and Justin Bieber. Cheers to Betty White … and Happy Birthday Weebs …. and I’m not sure how I missed this post yesterday.

That’s true, Frank—the Reds were great last year, so as long as the Reds don’t meet the Yanks during Interleague play, I’ll be happy. And I didn’t even get into my feelings of insane dislike for the Patriots or the Red Sox. My blog would exploded if I had, I’m sure.

I already feel more peaceful knowing that Betty White, with her delightful voice, will be helping spread peace. Just the mention of Betty White can bring peace to a nation. And I was wondering, that ice flow that we’re using as a dumping ground, could we sink it in the centre of the Pacific? Would the spirits allow that?

You’re so right, Bennie. Just listening to Betty White reading from the phone book could heal the hole in the ozone layer, probably. Good question about sinking that ice floe, though. I don’t know if the spirits would allow that sort of massive pollution of our oceans.

I’m telling you, Rutabaga, the spirits KNOW THINGS. You can’t keep anything secret from them. But I’m so glad for Snuffy, I think they make a gorgeous couple. Your toenails would look so delightful with a pearl-pink polish. They’ll enchant passersby into forking over wads of cash to you. Enjoy!

One can only hope that the weed helps him become a nicer human being, Smak, because right now he’s a douche. As for messing with forces beyond the ken of mere mortals, eh. I figure I’m going to hell anyway, so what’s a little more evil?

I keep seeing an island, a tropical island of some sort. There’s a resort, with a kind of baked goods expo or demonstration going on. Yeah. Lots of cakes and cookies pastries and such, all for the taking and sampling. It’s unclear where this island is located. I’ll have to wait until the vibrations are stronger. Meanwhile, I hear Paris is lovely in the Spring.

The Independent and The Guardian will mutter darkly about the uselessness of the Royal Family and The Daily Telegraph will have an article which starts in a side column on the front page but then takes up all of page 5, most of which will be a giant picture of the happy couple with the poor defenseless child.

I am also sure that these newprint establishments will continue to report on the uselessness and irrelevance of the Church of England, and yet at the same time continue to speculate and fire up the argument over women Bishops, which will cause many people to groan in dispair.

I think the problems have been brought about by a number of the women themselves, sadly. Instead of proving they’re as good as the men by getting on and doing the job and letting their vocational actions speak louder than words, there have been a lot women going, basically, “I am woman, hear me roar!” in this debate, and then sticking their fingers in their ears and singing loudly when someone trys to reason with them about the opposite point of view – and so the traditionalists have dug their heels in and done the same.

I deem this post adequate because you have hatred for Justin Bieber and love for the Yankees. Please note any feelings that you might have for the Montreal Expos, who straddle the undead/Canada-US/baseball divide.

And I deem you adequate because of your liking of Rush. I believe you and I could be adequate friends.

Oh, the Expos, that poor little team. They’re at peace now, back in the US as the Washington Nationals, but I’ll always remember them fondly for their strange Canadian exile. Those poor bastards. And how is it that you appreciate love for the Yankees? Couldn’t that sort of thing cost you your Canadian citizenship?

I am open to adequacy at the friendship level. It seems appropriate in this case.

The Expos are in fact not in Washington. They are currently rotting in the ground, contemplating undead status and very likely to emerge in a drunken orgy of bloodletting and savagery against baseball officials. Nos amours!

I always had an American League team, and because I hate the Blue Jays, my way went the way of the Yankee. I am kinda a baseball historian/stats nut, and through that prism it’s hard not to appreciate New York’s only real baseball team.

I would very much enjoy an undead Expos team. In fact, I’ll hold Bud Selig down so that they can eviscerate him more easily. How come you hate the Blue Jays? I have no problem with them at all. I spew my venom exclusively at the Red Sox. And I’ll give you some bonus adequacy points for being a baseball historian/stats nut.

Your attempts to notch yourself above the adequate level are oddly compelling, Weebles; anyone who praises undead Expos and the gutting of the Commissioner has my respect. I will sleep easy tonight.

Blue Jays for me are perhaps like Red Sox for you? Hated. But I have to give the Sox points for that temple they play in. I have been there, and it’s super. As for Blue Jays playground… great location but utter monstrosity.

You smooth talker you. I’m not even trying to raise myself a notch; this is just me at adequate cruising altitude. I’ve never been to Fenway, and the only way I will ever go there is if someone brings my ashes there as some sort of fucked-up joke after I’m dead. And if that happens, I vow to haunt the perpetrator(s) for eternity. The new Yankee Stadium is better than the previous one in terms of traffic flow and concessions, but that’s not saying much. It might have been where Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle, Maris, et al played, but alas, it was not a lovely ballpark.

I hate to tell you this, but the last time I was at Fenway, I swear Babe Ruth whispered in my ear that he would rather have been a southpaw on the mound for the Sox than a slugger in the outfield for the Yankees. Then he dumped a beer in my ear, tickled my prostate, and called me his bitch. Possibly it wasn’t the Babe after all.

I am ashamed. I have never been to either the old or new Yankee stadium for a game (only toured the old one). But I spent much time in NYC this summer and formally declared my love for it. This year. This year for a game.

I bet it was Clemens. That sounds like his style. Even though he was never an outfielder. And yes, as a baseball fan, you MUST attend at least one Yankee home game in your life, otherwise you can’t die happy.

Madame Weebles,
I don’t know if the previous multitude was serious or not, but I’m looking for some other worldly guidance, sister! Is my bullshit stepbrother going to fuck over my father or grow a set of balls and do the right thing?
If you get no vibes on that one, how about…. Nope. Got nothing else. That one’s got me stuck in the muck and going nowhere fast. -Nikki

Hey Nikki! Well, the spirits guide me in seeing all sorts of things… but I’m afraid I’m not seeing anything on your bullshit stepbrother. 😦 I hope he grows a set, though, because it sounds like he needs them…