Pol Maj Gen (soon to be three-star) Su­rachate “Big Joke” Hak­parn, af­ter ar­rest­ing an army sergeant-ma­jor on charges of se­rial rapes of dozens of young boys he groomed on an in­ter­net chat board.

“LIKE NOTH­ING WE HAVE EVER SEEN BE­FORE.”

Jeremy Dou­glas, re­gional rep­re­sen­ta­tive, UN Of­fice on Drugs and Crime, on the boom in metham­phetamine ex­ports from the Golden Tri­an­gle in the past two years.

“A SLOW AND CRUEL AS­SAS­SI­NA­TION IS TAK­ING PLACE.” Chris­tine Ann Hawkins, mother of Wik­iLeaks founder and self-ex­iled Aus­tralian Ju­lian As­sange, blames the United King­dom and United States for his iso­la­tion in the em­bassy of Ecuador in Lon­don.

“I WAS AN­GRY WITH DON­ALD TRUMP.”

Akayed Ul­lah, Bangladeshi im­mi­grant, ex­plains to the US fed­eral judge why he wanted “to kill as many peo­ple as pos­si­ble” with a failed pipe bomb ex­plo­sion in the New York sub­way 11 months ago.