Spoof news stories from Monday 14 March 2011

Two Church of England vicars have been charged after allegedly conducting hundreds of mock marriages intended to aid illegal immigrants defy immigration legislation and remain in Britain, writes Church Travesty correspondent, Arthur Vestry for the Da...

The sock arrived at midnight. He looked like a glove puppet floating in mid air, but of course he wasn't. He was magic. He was a magic vampire sock, who had long since left his earthly role as a human foot warmer behind.
He told me this as I poured him a glass of wine. Cabinet Sauvignon, if I recall correctly. White wine, not red. He frowned at it as he told me his name was Louis. He said...

Police in Zaragoza, Spain are hunting for a thief who has made off with a pile of black bin bags, stuffed with 500 Euro notes, from a convent in the city.
Spanish detectives are puzzled as to how a group of nuns came to be in possession of so much...

HOLLYWOOD - Actress Julianne Moore has just informed the entertainment media that she has agreed to portray the former governor of Alaska Sarah Louise Palin in the motion picture Game Change.
The TouchRock film in association with TriMoon Pictures is being produced and directed by Martello Pellagrini.
Moore said that the role will be one of the biggest acting challenges of her acting career...

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today paid a fulsome tribute to Melanie Phillips while announcing her appointment as Iranian Foreign Secretary.
The bearded bedlamite described her as "a fellow iconoclast making a brave and lonely stand against the...

I cannot name myself as a Spoof Writer for obvious reasons...I don't want to be seen to be 'touting' for Approvals in the new Center should my name appear.
I do however want to thank all of my fans for reading and rating my work, and even those readears who 'popped' in by accident.
A LITTLE WARNING TO YOU ALL AT THIS POINT IN TIME
Not one to suffer in silence I just want you to be aware...

HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Paris Hilton called up her therapist and scheduled an unscheduled therapy session.
The Southern California socialite whose biggest worry has always been whether to charge something on her VISA card or her MasterCard is heartbroken over the fact that her brand new homing pigeon Mr. Wing Wing left his pigeon roost two days ago and has not returned.
Hilton said that usually wh...

MADISON, Wisconsin - Governor Scott Walker still celebrating after knocking the feet from under thousands of Wisconsin policemen, firemen, teachers, and professional athletes, with his anti-union collective bargaining bill, is now focusing on the children of Wisconsin.
Governor "The Not So Great Scott" Walker, who still has the taste of union blood on his pearly whites has stated that he has de...

A 68-year old man has occupied the seat next to the window every time he has made a journey for the the past 60 years.
Michael Marzipan, a retired fluffer in the thriving Irish porn industry, says he doesn't care if he's perceived as a 'fucking mi...

Scott Walker defines a hero as "someone who, against all odds, does what is necessary to fight evil in the world." And so it is that Walker believes that he is doing the right thing by making sure teachers don't bankrupt the state.
"If we were to...

A lusty snake (RIP), who shall remain nameless, has died after fancying a bit of tit. Unfortunately the tit was not a natural one, it was pumped full of silicone and after attempting to save its life through mouth to mouth, veterinarian surgeons pron...

This reporter has learned that the United States Nuclear Regulatory Agency is preparing a full press "black-out", over the Fukishima Japan Nuclear plant. The reason for the "black-out": According to anonymous, agency, sources, is:
"Because too MANY anti-Nuclear groups are trying to connect the Japanese accident with the American Three Mile Island, and Russian Chernobyl accident."
"American...

NEW YORK CITY - The latest edition of Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice was not pretty.
In fact, Lisa Rinna who had been chosen the project manager for the women's team known as ASAP got tossed under the bus, the dump truck, and the battleship by two back-stabbing team members Star "I Am The Star" Jones and Dionne "I'm One Grouchy Old Ex-Singing Star" Warwick.
And the sad thing is that no...

Psychics, mediums, spiritual healers and other believers in psychic energies will be on hand Saturday, March 19, 2011 in the small Central Florida town of Cassadaga to take advantage of record high energy levels related to an unusual lunar event.

The world experienced a mega-massive financial meltdown a couple of years back; before that there was a mega-nuclear meltdown somewhere in the Ukraine called Tschernobyl and now history has repeated itself in Japan.
There is a slight difference...

The California Attorney General's Office is being flooded with complaints from consumers regarding a new earthquake detection kit being sold in various discount stores and on the internet.
The kit, which goes by the name of "Quake Awake" is marke...

LA HABRA, California - Former comedienne Roseanne Barr who starred for nine years in the top rated sit-com The Roseanne Show was having breakfast at a Mickey D's when she remarked to a friend that she is siding with Charlie "Showless" Sheen in The Ch...

Japan - Skywatch websites are citing an official Chinese news agency report that a breakaway craft from a Mount Fuji UFO fleet was prevented from contacting Emperor Akihit-ho last week.
Flypast witnesses described the entity as entirely benign ami...

Apple Labs have hastily recalled hundreds of thousands of copies of their augmented reality Applelet, iStreet Racer, after it emerged that people were using it in the manner it was intended to be used.
The App overlays a real time position of ever...

Customers at several high street banks were left fuming today as protestors over bankers bonuses staged a mass coin cash-in. Organised through the popular social networking site, Facebank, thousands of people with jars of coins bagged them up and too...

The BBC has said that this year's Red Nose Day will be the biggest ever.
"Peter Schmeichel and Alex Ferguson have both said that they will appear," said Lenny Henry, who somehow always finds work at this time of year. "We're still working with Rud...

Burger King chief executive, Bernard Hees, has described British women as ugly and British food as terrible.
Although a spokesman for the chain later said Mr Hees regretted the unguarded comments - made to a group of Chicago students - the fall-ou...

Not following horse racing I was taken aback this morning when I accidentally clicked on a 'horse racing article' and read that a Binocular shock has wobbled the world of horse racing.
Admittedly I didn't read the whole article but I did gather, from scanning it, that the Binocular in question has been removed for further tests and investigations.
I can only assume the lenses were not in...

Archaeologists, especially of the popular TV variety, have astounded viewers and university departments from different disciplines it has emerged. That they can find any old piece of rotting wood and imagine that they have stumbled upon a vast commu...

Following complaints by viewers, the BBC is to re-edit its flagship science programme Wonders of the Universe, toning down the background music.
Hundreds complained that the music drowned out the commentary by astronomer dish, Prof Brian Cox.
J...

When two girls tricked their way into Justin Bieber's Liverpool hotel suite on Friday, it was just the latest gaffe by the teen heart-throb's security team.
The girls dressed as cleaners to get into the suite. After half-heartedly dusting surfaces...

Reports coming in from Derbyshire say that the 'Crooked spire' on the famous St Marys and All Saints Parish Church in Chesterfield, has been straightened as a result of last Friday's earthquake in Japan, that it is no longer crooked, and, in what is...

In a somewhat surprising announcement today President Whatsisname announced a solution to all the war crimes charges that he and his predecessors are being plied with. He declared that homo-sapiens had evolved, and that the latest evolution was repre...

Experts warn that the education system is failing our children by squeezing history out of the curriculum.
England is the only country in Europe where the subject is not compulsory to the age of 15 or 16. Some kids are allowed to stop studying it...

Several UK charities have today announced plans to launch aid projects to help those caught up in the aftermath of the Japanese earthquake which struck last Friday.
The earthquake which measured 8.9 on the Richter Scale, and its resulting tsunami,...

Overnight explosions rocks Fukushima Number Three reactor, Number Two now reported to be 'critical' and radioactive clouds rumoured to headed for the densely populated Tokyo/Yokohama megalopolis.
Fears rise of a secondary deadly quake, another tsu...

A devastating tsunami on the top of a 9 Richter scale earthquake, in Japan, was indicative of the disappointing defeat of good at the hand of devil. It was a repeat of the preposterous past, the burning of innocent citizens of Hiroshima to win a stalemate battle.
Anyway, the Japan's unprecedented tragedy has overshadowed the news of Libyan alleged uprising in favor of its puppet dictator who bl...

Political observers are commenting that Egypt's former regime which was under the control of demonic dictator, Mubarak, was not too different than that of the Nazi party in Germany because both regimes were intent on using brutality and murder to mai...

READING, Pennsylvania - Kate Gosselin who is still depressed after her personal bodyguard Steve "The Gray Fox" Nield quit has said that she has been approached to appear on the hit cable show The Vampire Diaries.
Gosselin, who stars in Kate Plus 8...

Former Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie has been unveiled as the new frontman for the flagship BBC programme, Gardeners World.
Monty is taking over from former presenter Toby Buckland, whose 2 year stint ended when he walked out in protest at t...

A Labour councillor has been sacked by the party after being filmed spending over 3 hours playing Sudoku during an important debate.
Eric Barry was seen from the packed public gallery doing the puzzle while his colleagues and opponents were debati...

Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard, the first woman ever elected to the position, has won a prestigious award open to the leaders of all developed and developing countries.
49 year old Gillard has been crowned the Most Stereotypical World Lea...

At the grand old age of 70, Sir Cliff Richard is making a final attempt to conquer America.
Fame has always eluded him on the other side of the pond, but this time he believes he's hit on a formula that's guaranteed to bring him belated success.
The veteran singer is hoping to tap into the religious diversity existing Stateside and is bringing out a religious album made up of new versions of...

Arsenal Wenger will be busy over the 2011 festive period following a statement from the Emirates Stadium today.
According to an announcement from the Gunners camp, the Frenchman will be appearing in pantomime at the end of the year.
Arsenal chi...

NEW YORK CITY - Chelsea Clinton-Mezvinsky, who is still shaken up by the fact that she has been dumped by her husband Marc Mezvinsky, is extremely upset that Monica Lewinsky is trying to waltz her way back into her father's life.
Chelsea told The...

Sober Valley Ranch - In an astonishing reversal, Charley Sheen has decided to leave his life of drug and sex addiction and return to his starring role in Two and a Half Men.
Here is Sheen's statement,announce via videoconference from his dungeon:
For the sake of my health I can no long meet the public's outrageous expectation that I serve as both America's God of sex and drugs, and America...

Banker suspended after Sunday Mirror challenges Deutsche Bank over £10 taunt to Spoofers and doctors
I do hope I am not breaking any Spoof rules by copying a headline from a red top. Just in case...I am going to backtrack and switch a word. Guess which one I switched?
I admit that I didn't really read the article. I admit I don't give a damn about all of that crap...but the headline 'tau...

Members of the ever ridiculous and idiotic Topeka, Kansas-based Westboro Baptist Church, hot on the wheels of their recent Supreme Court victory allowing protests at military funerals that horrify grieving families with bigoted signs and rhetoric, we...

Motor racing fans and neutrals have long complained that the formula one season is too boring with one or two manufacturers regularly having a technological and financial advantage over the rest of the paddock.
This has always lead the sport's gov...

Fatalist extraordinaire, Morbid Gloomy, self styled leader of The End Of The World Is Nigh movement today issued a chilling warning to the rest of humanity, following hot on the heels of massive sardine shoals appearing in the wake of the Japanese ea...