Thursday, August 08, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

President Obama told Jay Leno that dying in a terrorist attack are a lot lower than dying in a car accident. Unless you are run into by a terrorist who is sending out Jihad threats by text while driving.

The USDA has set a goal to serve 166 Million government subsidized meals to kids this summer. In times of criticism of government spending, it’s pretty obvious in this country that at least no meal will ever go to waste.

The Census Bureau says the number of people speaking a language other than English has tripled. Mostly because Americans know if they want to get a job some day they had better start learning to speak Hindi or Mandarin.

A study says that for every 15 additional IQ points there is a 25% drop in the urge for women to have children. Which is starting to explain what is going on with the Octomom.

A study says that for every 15 additional IQ points there is a 25% drop in the urge for women to have children. Which begs the question do women who drink get pregnant because the alcohol loosens them up or kills off all their brain cells?

A report says that single copy magazine sales are down 10% this year. Or as newspapers are calling that, the greatest year ever.

A Massachusetts woman who was pulled over for DUI threatened a police officer with a Voodoo curse. Now that’s a good way to convince someone you really aren’t drunk.

A contestant in the Miss Utah pageant has been arrested for making bombs and throwing them at houses. If nothing else, that is going to cost her the Miss Congeniality title.

A contestant in the Miss Utah pageant has been arrested for making bombs and throwing them at houses. No one had any idea you could make explosives out of duct tape, hair spray and petroleum jelly.

A Florida man who already survived a lightning strike and rattlesnake bite is recovering from a shark attack. The worst part is he can’t think of a single person he can sue for any of those mishaps.

A Florida man who already survived a lightning strike and rattlesnake bite is recovering from a shark attack. Apparently the only people who retire in Florida are people from out of state because the locals have no chance to make it to 65.

A committee says the Chilean Census should be scrapped and repeated since it reportedly missed counting 9.3% of the population. If they already knew that, why did they even need a census in the first place?

A Houston restaurant has created a controversy by banning children 8 and under at dinner. The really confusing part is that the restaurant is a Chuck E. Cheese.

A Houston restaurant has created a controversy by banning children 8 and under at dinner. Mostly because in Texas, “family dining” means men show up with their trucks, guns and dogs.

A Colorado Rockies fan is suing the ball club for making them sell resell tickets through only one company. What’s the difference since who would want to buy a ticket to a Colorado Rockies game in the first place?

Amazon has started selling fine art on its website. Apparently they are starting off with several oil portraits of the Washington Post Graham family.

A study says that fewer young people are driving today, with most claiming it’s because they don’t have enough time to get a license. Which hasn’t stopped Amanda Bynes from still getting behind the wheel.

A study says that fewer young people are driving today, with most claiming it’s because they don’t have enough time to get a license. Or enough money to buy a car or fill it with gas. Or a job they need to drive to.

U.S. consumer borrowing rose $13.8 Billion in June. Why is it that during the recession when no one had any money people were responsible and paid off their debts and now that things are getting better we are all going into the hole again?

A California woman is suing her veterinarian for threatening to turn her in for animal cruelty for not going through with surgery for her dog that was going to cost $10,000. The worst part is that the surgery was for a tummy tuck and facelift.

A study says that mislabeled seafood can end up costing consumers twice as much as if it were labeled correctly. Like when the Red Lobster charges people for what it calls “seafood”.

President Obama talked about housing policy with the CEO of Zillow. The President isn’t convinced there is a housing problem. But then, he gets to live in a 132 room mansion for free.

Groupon has named a new permanent CEO for the coupon site. The only problem for the new top executive is that the contract came with several half off vouchers the company will be turning in with his paychecks.

Recent studies say that exercise helps people with their ability to remember. Mostly when they can barely move the next day and remember why they quit exercising in the first place.

A study says that having a neat or sloppy desk may influence the way a person thinks. In this economy, most people have a neat desk so they can clean it out quickly once their are given their pink slip.

A study says having an employee who smokes costs a company an average of $5,816 a year. Mostly from lost productivity from all the non-smoking employees who spend their entire work day telling the smoker they should quit.

President George W. Bush is back home after minimally invasive surgery to insert a stent near his heart. That has his friends and family worried because the last thing Bush did that was supposed to be “minimally invasive” was Iraq.

A poll says that Americans say the ideal lifespan is 90. Mostly because people figure who wants to be older than that and still have to go to work every day to try to dig out of debt?

A poll says that Americans say the ideal lifespan is 90. Mostly because with the amount of junk food we eat and time we spend on the couch, for most Americans 90 is about as realistic as 300.

A study says that only 4% of women deliver on the due date and can be off by as much as five weeks. Or is that the Post Office?

A study says that yawns are contagious with dogs, too. Especially when you read that study to them.

A study says that two cups of hot cocoa a day can improve the memory of seniors. Especially after a week when they start smelling fourteen stale cups of cocoa that have been left around the house.

Scientists say they want to create an easier to spread bird flu for research. Is that a good idea? Wasn’t that pretty much the plot of the movie “Outbreak”?

Scientists say they want to create an easier to spread bird flu for research.Is that such a good idea? If they are that bored, maybe they should spend more time just straightening up the laboratory.

A study says that elevated blood sugar levels are associated with an increase in the risk of dementia. Or it could just be people denying they know what happened to all the candy that was laying around the house.

A dress worn by Lucille Ball on “I Love Lucy” has sold for $168,000. That could be the most expensive dress in Hollywood that wasn’t worn by Dennis Rodman.

Honey Boo Boo’s dad Mike “Sugar Bear” Thompson has been hospitalized with a neurological conditions. Although it still isn’t as serious a brain disorder as the people who actually watch “Honey Boo Boo”.

Paula Deen has reportedly turned down an offer to appear on “Dancing With the Stars”. Which is unfortunately since she reportedly can dance like butter.

Sylvester Stallone is calling Bruce Willis “greedy and lazy.” At least that’s what people think. He actually called him “gwilly un luzz.”

Sylvester Stallone is calling Bruce Willis “greedy and lazy.” And that was just his reaction to Willis’ interview for “Red 2”.

Kelly Osbourne says her mother Sharon put her in a padded cell. Apparently she thought her daughter needed to spend more time with Ozzy.

A class action lawsuit may be filed against Lance Armstrong for refunds for his autobiography in which he denied he used drugs. Apparently people don’t realize that “autobiography” is from the Latin for “Don’t believe a word about what someone tells you about themselves.”

An analysis says the U.S. is ranked 23rd in the world in Internet speed. Mostly because it takes a little longer to have all those e-mails processed by the NSA before they are actually sent.

A report by AOL says that 2.5 Million people are still using dial up service. Apparently those are the people who still have a VCR hooked up to their TV which is constantly flashing “12:00”.

A federal judge has ruled that Bitcoin is a legitimate form of currency. The way the dollar has been going, arcade tokens are now a legitimate form of currency.

A study says that Twitter boosts TV ratings and vice versa. And nothing says “get a life” like sitting on the couch watching TV and tweeting about it to everyone else.

Zillow has estimated the value of the White House at $319 Million. It should be worth more than that considering the $16 Trillion that the U.S. taxpayers have already put into it.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The PGa Championship starts today in Rochester, New York. Which means they have to finish it by Sunday if they don’t want to have any snow delays. Just make sure you remember to yell “Fore!” when you send the love!