Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders

Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders

The tagline for Aliens vs. Predators was “Whoever wins, we lose!” One could argue that the tagline for Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders could be “Whoever wins, we win!” Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders is another of the late night Cinemax classics that gave the network the nickname Skinimax. It’s also another feature from fab B-movie director Jim Wynorski (here directed as Sam Pepperman!) Wynorski never shines so bright as when he’s directing smut, and Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders is filled with camera tricks and creative narrative editing that you rarely see in cheaply made farce. It also makes a lot of his SyFy fare look bland by comparison.

Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders is a fun tale that’s about as realistic as those before-mentioned SyFy flicks. The Scholastic Hottie of the Year Contest is set up as some sort of reality show-styled event – but without cameras capturing all the action. Don’t worry, the film makes up for it with Angie’s narration, explaining everything as we go and even commenting upon action happening onscreen. The light-hearted tone help make BCxLC merry entertainment. I admit I don’t watch as much of Wynorski’s flicks as others, but his softcore films are often lively and witty. And believe me, we’ve seen some boring stinkers!

Check out my levitation powers!

From the B-movie Vs. title, we know that things will be treated with a sense of humor. BCxLC lampoons the cutthroat world of reality tv shows and pageant contests by displaying all the bribing, back stabbing, and general bitterness that goes on. But because we know it’s all a fantasy, it’s okay to end things on a high note. While being a mirror, it isn’t a broken mirror, and luckily BCxLC keeps itself separated from heading into dark territory.

Visual candy includes character pages, biographies, repeated breaking of the fourth wall, picture within picture for commentary, a laugh track, flashbacks and flashsideways, and answers to what happens to our heroes after the big event. The underwater camera usage is rare itself for these low budget flicks (though I think a few older, higher budgeted productions have used it before), and it increases the quality tenfold. While many of these films can begin to blur together (both due to repeated use of actresses, sets, and even tone), anything that helps distinguish is good. If BCxLC shows up on your late night cable TV schedule and you aren’t completely tired yet, it’s worth checking out.

Directly ripped off from Aliens vs. Predators…

Angie (Angie Savage) – Our narrator and hostess for our journey into the battle between Busty Coeds and Lusty Cheerleaders. A battle that is often fought with lashed tongues, torn clothing, and panting bodies. Angie weaves a tale of deception and lies as the contestants battle it out to reign supreme…and also to get it on many many many times!

Tiffany Nightsprings (Kylee Nash) – Tiffany’s dad is super rich and bribed everyone to get her where she is, but bribes only go so far…or do they???

Candice Connors (Charlie Laine) – Not the brightest of bulbs, but has a good heart. Like Marla, she often fades to the background, though her character doesn’t hang out with Angie as much as Marla does.

Chet (Frankie Cullen) – One of handymen Miss Meyes hired to help out around the camp, because the gigantic camp with hardly any people in it would really have so many problems that it requires two full-time handymen… Is a killer piano player.

Bull (T.J. Cummings) – The other handyman hired. He likes Candice, at least he tells her as much.

Janet (Heather Vandeven) – Girl hired by Angie to get dirt to blackmail Dean Martin. Does an excellent job.

Tiffany’s Dad (G. Gordon Baer) – Rich father who attempts to bribe an manipulate the contest more towards his daughter’s favor.

Dean Martin (“Billy Chappell”) – Oh…that guy.

Girl in car (Glori-Anne Gilbert) – One of the two replacement judges sent by Tiffany’s father. Is amused at life, getting lost, the forest, and the very young stud she’s driving around with. Good attitude!

Guy in car (???) – This guy looks straight out of high school, but he’s a replacement judge and just ends up getting it one with Glori-Ann Gilbert in the forest instead. I have no clue who played him.

Angie’s narration barely begins before she’s getting it on with Chet in the hot tub. She continues voice-over narrating while having sex (a multitasker!), introducing Chet and explaining about the cheerleader camp and Miss Meyers and how the handymen are basically getting boned all day by the contestants of the Scholastic Hottie of the Year Contest. There were 10 contestants, only 4 are left: Angie, Marla, Tiffany, and Candice.

Contest organizer Miss Meyers does the next phase in the competition…measuring their busts! Because that’s scholartastic! Tiffany’s rack has grown a full inch since yesterday…because Angie slipped her Acme Silicon Enhancer! That’s cheating if bust-enhancing agents are used, so Tiffany has to make her case with Miss Meyers.

But first Marla and Angie hit the showers…with their clothes on and a bottle of chocolate syrup squirted everywhere. Eventually the clothes go but the syrup keeps getting squirted all over. Candice takes her shower with the handyman Bull (and the Pussy Pussy Bang Bang song plays!) We don’t even get any plot in between as now Chet and Marla are making out in the pool and soon going to be doing a whole lot more…

This is the day Wynorski rented the underwater camera, so we have some beautiful underwater sequences of the two actors swimming around underwater in slow motion.

Tiffany explains off the breast gain as sabotage, and soon her and Miss Meyers are making out and making babies. An insert of Angie mocking Tiffany causes Tiffany to start namecalling back in the middle of the makeout scene… How many sex scenes have you scene where a character argues with the narrator? Obviously Wynorski is a genius.

A GENIUS!

And now the pole dancing test…

After the four girls work the pole and get their scores, Dean Martin calls. He implies Tiffany should win or else, because her dad gives a lot of money to the school. He’s also interviewing an assistant. Who is named “Miss Smith”, but is really named Janet as she’s a ringer Angie sent in to apply to have sex with the Dean and take lots of pics for blackmail. Also there is a huge Animal House reference for those of you who keep track of those sorts of things. It’s that guy. Right there.

The rest of the interview gets physical while the song Power of the Pussy is playing, so you can probably figure out what happens…

Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders – The film that rates back!

No cursing? What the fuck???!

Candice bribes Miss Meyes with sex…of both her and Chet and Bull. Meanwhile, Angie and Janet conspire and then conspire Biblically in yet another hot tub….

How many hot tubs are in this place?

Tiffany’s dad conspires some more, by getting the Dean arrested and faking a fire at Miss Meyers’ house so she leaves. He’s sending new judges from his staff, but until they get there, there is nothing to do. Except for Tiffany doing Chet. Marla overhears the entire conversation…

And then switches the road sign arrows so the new judges will be lost… The new judges are an incredibly young guy and a very amused Glori-Anne Gilbert. They get lost, so it’s time to get it on in the middle of the forest. Why not? Enjoying nature is good for you. Become an environmentalist, people! Somehow they also have a blanket despite beginning the walk without one…

Hey, it’s that bird call clock! Everyone at the cheerleader camp is hanging out at the Malibu Saloon. Even Miss Meyers has returned from checking on her house and is in a bikini for reasons unexplained. Chet is jamming away at the piano. Yes, we’re suddenly in a Bikini Western.

Directly ripped off from Three Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain

Directly ripped off from a dream I had one night

Ennio Morricone-esque music blares as Tiffany searches for Angie, dressed in a cowboy outfit over her bikini. Angie is keeping an eye on her.

It’s a dual! Just Cheerleader vs Co-ed!

Oh no, Tiffany’s dead!

Not really, Angie shot her with a love dart, because this is late night cable and we demand happy endings! So they have their happy ending in the hot tub pool. There were so many hot tubs I’m not sure if we’ve seen this one before, but I think so.

Never fear, we got some cast updates Animal House-style, if you are curious as to Where Are They Now?

Directly ripped off from Garfield’s Pet Force

Rated 8/10 (talking to the camp, the only cheerleader prop in the film, got the bull by the horns, bought at Ross, fun with arrows, only $19.95!, the belt buckle that caused a feud, car getting lost)