(Lights up to reveal three people on stage behind a table. Each faces front with their scripts in front of them. They are, from audiences left to right, SPANISH SPEAKER, ENGLISH SPEAKER, andAMUHRIKAN. They all speak their native tongue.)

SPANISH SPEAKER:

Soy un americano.

ENGLISH SPEAKER: I am an American.

AMUHRIKAN:

Im proud to be an Amuhrikan.

SPANISH SPEAKER:

E Pluribus Unum.

ENGLISH SPEAKER:

E Pluribus Unum.

AMUHRIKAN:

(awkward pause) That thing thats on the money, next to In God We Trust.

ENGLISH SPEAKER: That is latin. Latin is a dead language. It continues to be used to underscore that something is important, timeless, and unchanging.

AMUHRIKAN:

Latin is lawyer talk, and when a lawyer talks, you better listen. Its, see, its a dead language, but when something is dead, that doesnt mean it stops being important. Lotta dead things are real important. But Latin isnt Latino, see what I mean-o?

SPANISH SPEAKER:

Es nuestro lema nacional.

ENGLISH SPEAKER: It is our national motto.

AMUHRIKAN:

Motto-o. Heh. That means it is an expression of something we all agree on. We believe it. Its important. Important enough to put on money.

SPANISH SPEAKER:

En enpsanol, significa "fuera de muchos, uno."

ENGLISH SPEAKER: In English, it means "Out of many, one."

AMUHRIKAN:

Were all in this together. So lets set our differences aside and be like each other. You be like me and well all get along better.

ENGLISH SPEAKER: I believe that it has always meant that many diverse subsets create a whole which is greater because of its many unique parts. I believe that the One described in our national motto exists precisely to protect, and not eliminate, what signifies the many which comprise it.

AMUHRIKAN:

Were a nation of immigrants. I understand that. But we need a common language so that we can understand each other better. If you want to be an American, that means you have to walk, talk, and act like one. Its simple. If you want to be here, then you should want to be like us.

ENGLISH SPEAKER: I believe it is wrong and anti-American to demand, by law, that services and communications protected by those same laws, be denied to those who do not speak a single, unifying, national language.

AMUHRIKAN:

You cant be pro-America and anti-English. Its absurd. And its dangerous. Were in a new kind of world, and we need faster, better, more easy ways to identify enemies of America. Language is just another tool in the war on terror.

ENGLISH SPEAKER: I believe that one of the things which makes this nation the greatest nation on earth is that the best, brightest, most courageous, and most desiring the freedom America offers have come here and contributed their talent, labor, and passionate love of freedom even at great personal cost.

AMUHRIKAN:

Look, diversity is an important part of the melting pot, the great tapestry of America. My ancestors werent born here. But you have to understand that were not trying to keep out the good people. Were trying to keep out the ones who arent willing to do the hard work of becoming real Americans, and one obvious way to prove that is to learn our language. Its simple. Im not saying dont speak whatever talk you were born talking, just be able to talk the talk Im talking so we can understand each other better. Why dont they want to understand us? That ought to be a red flag. Were just trying to force people who want to be here to be a little more understanding, to understand us better.

ENGLISH SPEAKER: I believe that when the majority of a nation already speak a common language, that language is already the national tongue and so any effort to legally enforce that tongue is exclusionary and contrary to the very mission of the nation.

AMUHRIKAN:

Almost everybody in America already speaks English. People need to stop fussing about this, relax, and get over it. You dont have to speak good English, were not saying that. You only have to speak it as good as the President. How hard is that?

ENGLISH SPEAKER: I believe that the world would be a better place if more native born citizens of the United States took the time and made the effort they are attempting to require of non-English speakers to become fluent in a language and endeavor to understand a culture which is not their own.

AMUHRIKAN:

Assimilation is what has made this country great. Have you ever eaten Mexican food in Mexico? Nothing is going to make you more homesick for America than that. The best of what other countries have to offer is already in our stores, on our TVs and on our radios. If we dont already have an American version, it isnt worth having.