His father is a narcissist. We divorced a few months ago,
but he has visitation rights. You wrote that "narcissism
breeds narcissism". How can I prevent my child from becoming
a narcissist under his father's influence?

ANSWER

Your son is likely to encounter narcissists in his future.
In a way, he will be better prepared to cope with them, more
alert to their existence and chicanery and more desensitized
to their abuse.

For this you should be grateful.

There is nothing much you can do, otherwise. Stop wasting your
money, time, energy and emotional resources on this intractable
"problem" of how to insulate your son from his father's
influence. It is a lost war, though a just cause. Instead, make
yourself available to your son.

The only thing you can do to prevent your son from emulating
his father - is to present to him another role model of a NON-narcissist
- YOU. Hopefully, when he grows up, he will prefer your model
to his father's. But there is only that much you can do. You
cannot control the developmental path of your son. Exerting
unlimited control over your son is what narcissism is all about
- and is exactly what you should avoid at all costs, however
worried you might be.

Narcissism does tend to breed Narcissism - but not inevitably. Not
all the off-spring of a narcissist inexorably become narcissists.

The Narcissistic parent regards his or her child as a multi-faceted
source of Narcissistic supply. The child is considered
and treated as an extension of the Narcissist's personality. It
is through the child that the Narcissist seeks to settle "open
accounts" with the world. The child is supposed to
materialize the unfulfilled Narcissistic dreams and fantasies
of the Narcissistic parent. This "Life by Proxy"
can develop in two possible ways: the Narcissist can either
merge with his child or be ambivalent towards him. The
ambivalence is the result of a conflict between the attainment
of Narcissistic goals and pathological (destructive) envy.

To ameliorate the unease bred by emotional ambivalence, the
Narcissist resorts to a myriad of control mechanisms. The
latter can be grouped into: guilt-driven ("I sacrificed
my life for you…"), dependence-driven ("I need you,
I cannot cope without you…"), goal-driven ("We have
a common goal which we must achieve") and explicit ("If
you do not adhere to my principles, beliefs, ideology, religion
or any other set of values – sanctions will be imposed").

The exercise of control helps to sustain the illusion that
the child is a part of the Narcissist. Such sustenance
calls for extraordinary levels of control (on the part of the
parent) and obedience (on the part of the child). The relationship
is typically symbiotic and emotionally vicissitudinal and turbulent.

The child fulfils another important Narcissistic function –
that of Narcissistic supply. There is no denying the implied
(though imaginary) immortality in having a child. The early
(natural) dependence of the child serves to assuage the fear
of abandonment, which is THE driving force in the Narcissist's
life. The Narcissist tries to perpetuate this dependence, using
the aforementioned control mechanisms. The child is the penultimate
Secondary Narcissistic Source of Supply. He is present, he admires,
he accumulates and remembers, owing to his wish to be loved
he can be extorted into forever giving. For the Narcissist,
a child is a dream come true, but only in the most egotistical
sense. When the child is perceived as "reneging" on
his chief duty (to provide his Narcissistic parent with constant
supply of adoration) – the emotional reaction is harsh and revealing.

It is when the Narcissistic parent is disenchanted with his
child that we see the true nature of this pathological relationship.
The child is totally objectified. The Narcissist reacts to a
breach in the unwritten contract with wells of aggression and
aggressive transformations: contempt, rage, emotional and psychological
abuse, and even physical violence. He tries to annihilate the
real child (brought to the Narcissist's awareness through the
child's refusal to act as before) and substitute it with the
subservient, edifying, former version.

The Narcissistic parent tends to produce another
Narcissist in his child. But this outcome can be effectively
countered by loving, empathic, predictable, just, and positive
upbringing which encourages a sense of autonomy and responsibility.
Provide your child with an alternative to his father's venomous
and exploitative existence. Trust your son to choose life over
death, love over narcissism, human relations over narcissistic
supply.