In the past few weeks, I've fought with myself again and again over whether I should spray a little bit of my heart onto this screen. That's why I haven't updated, because I knew this post was the one I would have to make before I could move on. I know once this is out there, I will feel a lot better. Sounds a bit melodramatic, as things tend to be when I let them get drawn out like this.

Just a quick briefing before we get to the meat of this post. I haven't had a girlfriend in a long time(read: since high school, about a year and a half). What have I been doing? Nothing. At the tender age of 19 I am still a virgin, and at this point I don't care who the hell knows it. My sexual inexperience has not come into play with girls, because the opportunity for it to become an issue has yet to arise.

Who are the girls in my life? Well, writing about most of them will not serve the greater good, but suffice it to say that the one that matters most is almost attainable in a John-Hughes-movie sort of way. Her name is Debby. She is...well, more later.

Part1.Yesterday, a girl and I hung out. We had lunch. Talked and chilled. And did nothing sexual. Whats so odd about that? Well you see she is a very attractive girl, and had I tried I could have gotten with her. How do you know? Because during our time together she told me that had I wanted/tried to, she would have had sex with me.

Why didn't I? She has a boyfriend. I don't know him. I don't know how he treats her. All I know is when we were in my car, I in the drivers seat, she in the passenger seat, with the seats reclined almost horizontal, there were 2 thoughts going through my head, one of which was "She has a boyfriend." Imagine watching a tv show, except every 10 seconds, a 15 second commercial comes on, saying "You shouldn't watch this show." I hugged her a few times, but that was the extent of it.

In 11th grade, I had a thing for a girl with a boyfriend and she was over my house one day. We were alone. I was just coming to realize I had a thing for her, and then I found out she had a boyfriend. And I stopped myself from doing anything with her because she had a boyfriend. She too told me that if I had tried, she would have gone through with it.

Thanksgiving weekend, this year. Another girl. One I care deeply for. Also, had a boyfriend. Excuse me, has.

I simply refuse to do anything with a girl who has a boyfriend because the physical satisfaction would not be worth the mental anguish I would go through knowing I did something like that. Some people can handle it. Not me. I dont know where the hell my morality comes from. I am not holier than thou. Far from it.

Part2.I'm a big believer in fate. But I also believe in free will. See, in my little world, every single action creates a new fate for you. Its fate that these girls--who I blend so well with--have boyfriends, or are too far away, or cant be with me. mtk. Because apparently (read: hopefully) my destiny lies elsewhere...So that brings us to Debby.

I really like her. She's one of the few girls I can have a dialogue with on the phone. She and I talked. For nearly 3 hours straight, well into the night. And we went on a date. And I was too much of a wuss to try and kiss her. And we talked a few days after the date. And its quite possible I'm imagining it but I'm 90% sure she likes me back. And I havent spoken to her in 6 days but we have been playing phone tag and the message on her cell starts out with "Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?" The ACTUAL song. And you know how I said there were two thoughts goin through my head when I was with that other girl yesterday, well the second thought was "DebbyDebbyDebbyDebbyDebby" but it sort of doesnt count because I've been having that thought for quite a while now.