Archive for horror flicks

Yep, I put some rings on it! It being the television, that is. Hello everyone, and welcome back to another installment of the Unholy Cathedral. If you’re one of my loyal Deadites, I’m sending you a big Undead Boo Ya from the grave. Here is the Boo Ya.

If you’re a newcomer to this blog, then welcome! I’m hoping you’ll enjoy the reviews. If you’re liking what you’re seeing, be sure to Unleash Hell at the top right, and these posts will go straight to your inbox. And trust me, they’re far from frequent, so I promise you won’t be annoyed. Okay.. Administrative silliness complete. Let’s go to the business end of the blog (side note… as I wrote that, all I could think about is a mullet or a gun. But then I realized both of those things are awesome, so this blog must also be awesome).

I’ll say it. The Ring will always be one of my favorite scary movies. Granted, I was much much younger when I saw it for the first time in theaters. But that’s the only movie that I literally ran out of the theater. That iconic scene at the end was so effing scary the first time I saw it, that I’ll never forget those chills. AU CONTRAIRE… then The Ring Two came out. And boy was this a steaming pile of suck. But years later, Hollywood deemed it time for another shot at this franchise, with a fresh look, a new cast, and an off-shoot story. I wasn’t entirely optimistic, but I was keeping an open mind. So let’s see where round 3 takes us, starting with the trailer.

Rings is the story of a young girl whose boyfriend goes away to college, and she gets all emotional about it, and starts whining, and these damn millennials these days, and… Okay kidding. Kind of. But after her boyfriend goes away to school, he abruptly disappears from all contact. So in a panic, she makes the long drive to see him, to find that something has happened. A stranger is telling her that her boyfriend is going to die, and soon she becomes entangled in the worst “club” imaginable. Jinkies!

Go grab some corpse-y well water, and let’s dive in for A Closer Look

Villain: Samara, the evil spirit of some dead girl

How Do I Stop It?: Don’t watch creep-ass untitled movies. Stick to the movies that, you know, have titles.

Lessons Learned: My goodness. This whole story is pretty asenine, if I may say so. First of all, if you’re a college professor who discovers a sinister evil spirit that KILLS PEOPLE, perhaps you shouldn’t be entrapping your students to work on a thesis about it. But because it’s Johnny Galecki, I’m not surprised. Also, if you become aware of what’s happening, and all you have to do is not watch the movie, like, *pause for Ultimate Unholy Face palm* DONT WATCH THE MOVIE YOU STUPID GIRL. /end rant

Who Do I Watch With?: This one is pretty manageable for casual fans of horror, but I’d recommend watching with someone who’s at least familiar with the earlier movies.

Movie Trivia: Originally set for release in November 2015, the film was pushed back several times due to studio delays. It was finally released in 2017, almost 2 years after the original shooting occurred. Also, according to special makeup effects designer on the film, Arjen Tuiten, it took about 6 and a half hours to complete Samara’s makeup and her costume featured a water rig under the dress that allowed the character to constantly drip water.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 5/10. Samara is a pretty creepy ghost, no doubt about it. The problem for me is that it’s a lot of the same stuff. There’s not many new tricks to scare us this time around, and it stands out.

Scare Factor: 5/10. For the uninitiated, this is likely still a pretty creepy movie. The tone is moderately dark, and there’s some decent jump scares throughout. But if you’re familiar with The Ring, this is a far cry from the terror of the original.

Gore Rating: Slightly Bloody Machete (2/5)

It’s not extremely bloody, but there’s a few parts that are tough to watch. It’s been a long time since we’ve had a really gory movie on here. Accepting recommendations.

Overall Rating: 2/5 Queen Beys

Can we agree that Bizarro Beyonce is freaking creepy? Anyway, Rings was closer to The Ring Two than The Ring in terms of being a solid movie. The story was just silly, and there are some pretty big plot holes, in my mind. I admittedly jumped once or twice throughout, but as a whole, it’s not so great. May I recommend the latest Insidious movie instead, if you’re looking for some scares? See my last post for a review!

Anyway, that’s going to wrap up this edition of The Unholy Cathedral. As always, thanks to everyone who subscribes to this blog and has supported it over the years. We’re still limping along, but the horror isn’t stopping. So be sure to stay tuned for more spine-tingling commentary in the coming months.

Greetings, my loyal Deadites, and welcome once again to another installment of the Unholy Cathedral. I hope everyone had a rotten Christmas and a horrifying New Year. Something happened in the last few weeks. Hell literally froze over. Just look outside. That is, unless you’re one of those warm-climate elitist deadites, in which case I shake my skeleton fist directly at you. AAAAnyway, let’s grind into the meat & bones of this blog, and talk about a fresh new movie in theaters right now: Insidious: The Last Key.

This is the 4th installment in the Insidious universe, and the old lady that’s seemingly in a ton of horror movies is back, trying to get rid of some evil spirits. Before we get into this chapter, let’s reflect on the previous Insidious movies. The first installment introduced us to the terrifying screeching violins, and then gave us creepy spirits, and a wacky demon that was terrorizing a little kid. I gave it a 4/5 (way back in 2011!!!). Then came Insidious Chapter 2, which brought us the horrifying veiled old woman. Really scary stuff there, also earning a 4/5 from me. The franchise was off to a really strong start, until the third chapter. Insidious 3 went a little off the beaten path, and gave us the old man with the oxygen mask. It was a step back, and only earned a 3/5 rating. So I went into this one tentatively optimistic. Critics are giving this one poor reviews, but at the end of the day, it’s still a strong franchise. So let’s get into this latest chapter, in theaters now.

Insidious: The Last Key is a story centered around Elise (yes, that lady again). This time, we take a deeper look at her back-story. Her troubled past with an abusive father, combined with her early realization that she had a special ability to connect with the dead. Now, in the later years of her life, she uses those abilities to help others facing paranormal issues. But things turn awry when she receives a call from someone at an ominous address– her childhood home. Now she must confront all of the demons of her past… both living and dead. Eek (not the cat).

Get out your photo albums. We’re going back in time for A Closer Look.

Villain: An evil demon known to possess the inhabitants of a house to do sinister deeds.

How Do I Stop It?: Let’s just agree that you don’t want to encounter this guy. If you do, you won’t know it, and you’re going to become a much much worse person. Maybe it’s time to start a Deadite Buddy System. Let’s keep an eye on each other, people.

Lessons Learned: First thing’s first. When someone calls for help with some evil spirits, you can’t make too many assumptions about that person’s behaviors. That’s the easy one. But here’s the bigger lesson learned. And this is purely hypothetical, trust me. Let’s say your long-lost childhood friend shows up, and shows you a close memoir that you had lost years ago. And you decide to go get it, but in order to find it, you have to go into your childhood home, the place of horrible memories, and IT IS NOW A CRIME SCENE. If that’s the case, maybe just DON’T DO THAT YOU FREAKING IDIOT. *pulling hair out*

Who Do I Watch With?: The Insidious franchise really capitalizes on the paranormal/spiritual side of horror. So be sure to watch with someone who can take it seriously and enjoy it.

Movie Trivia: Not much trivia here, at least from IMDB. The only somewhat interesting fact is that this is actually a prequel to the first installment, and the end leads directly into Insidious.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 7/10. The baddie in this movie is pretty creepy, I have to say. The director makes good use of “teasing” the character for a while, to accentuate his design. And even when he comes into full view, he’s still pretty scary. Not to mention, his purpose is pretty damn dark.

Scare Factor: 7/10. Not gonna lie, I thought this was a pretty creepy movie. It had dark tones throughout the feature, and some very well-placed jump scares.

Gore Rating: Barely Bloody Machete (1/5)

As is the case with most spirit/demon movies, there’s not a ton of blood. There’s some creepy entities, sure. But in terms of pure bloodshed, not too much to fret about here.

Overall Rating: 4/5 Whistles

Da Whistles go WOOOO. I think Insidious returns back to its form here, putting out a solid horror flick. With that said, I think Insidious 2 still stands out as the definite best movie in this franchise, so I think that rating should have been higher. But this is a solid entry into the saga, and it’s a pretty creepy film. Something tells me this isn’t the last film in the series, but we’ll see if the franchise continues on. In the meantime, it looks like Blumhouse has a slate of horror coming up, so stay tuned for more spooky flicks.

That’ll wrap up this review of Insidious: The Last Key. If you’re looking for some chills that aren’t caused by the weather, definitely head to the theater to check out this movie. And as always, thanks to everybody who subscribes to the blog! Hopefully I’ll be back soon with more scares.

Hey everybody! I’ve got a special update tonight, and it’s something that I probably should have done many, many moons ago. But better late than never, right? Yesterday, received a Twitter request from one of my most loyal followers (and if I’m being honest, he suggested I start this blog five years ago, so I owe him this at least). Anyway, he requested a list of all-time favorite horror movies to check out this season, as well as recommendations for anything available on streaming platforms. So this is going to be short and sweet, but here’s my lists.

Here are movies that I like, currently available on Streaming platforms.

Currently Streaming on Netflix

Children of the Corn (1984 Stephen King classic. Don’t be dumb like me, and accidentally watch the remake)

Odd Thomas – It’s a little comic book-y and not too scary, but I thought this was a pretty fun movie, and a decent watch for those who can’t handle the real scary stuff).

The Invitation – 2016 movie that will keep you guessing the whole time, and is a hidden gem in the genre.

Hellraiser – Clive Barker classic, and definitely one of my favorites. It’s definitely more on the grotesque side of horror, and the special effects are hokey, but the characters are iconic even today.

It Follows – Unique story about a monster that never stops pursuing its prey. Use protection, people.

The Babadook – Critically-acclaimed horror story about a child’s nightmare come to life. I thought it was pretty good, but I may have over-hyped it for myself.

GREETINGS, friends, and welcome once again to your source for spooky… The Cathedral is back in business, and this time we’re taking a look at a fresh movie on the block. The Conjuring 2 made its terrifying debut this weekend, and after hearing four separate people give positive reviews, I knew I had to see this one. Now know this… The first Conjuring was one of few movies to get a perfect score on this blog, so needless to say that’s a tough act to follow. And Horror movie sequels in general don’t often succeed, as it were. So I was VERY glad to see this one deliver… Anyway, let’s get into it.

It’s the mid-1970’s, and Ed & Lorraine Warren are investigating one of their darkest, most sinister cases ever in Amityville, New York. The aftermath of that event has left psychological scars on Lorraine. Enough to the point that she’s unwilling to take on any new cases. But elsewhere in the world, a struggling mother is witnessing something happening to her daughter. She’s speaking with the voice of an old man. She’s claiming that someone, or something, is intruding on her room in the night. And her house is slowly getting trashed by an evil spirit. But she’s probably faking it, right? …….. Right?

I’m wondering how long it’ll take for James Wan to be recognized as one of the better horror directors in history. He’s already the director and/or producer of The Conjuring, Insidious, Saw (and sequels), and Dead Silence. And he’s got a strong docket still coming, including Lights Out, and mulitple Insidious sequels. The dude is legit. And admittedly, there seems like a very similar tone between the Conjuring and Insidious movies, but they have their differences, and at the end of the day, they’re both pretty damn scary. And that’s the bottom line.

Back to business. Say 10 Hail Mary’s and let’s go in for A Closer Look

Villain: A sinister demon. That’s all you get.

How do I Stop It?: As is the case with the first movie, this is a foul, horrible beast. You’ll need some serious help if you’re confronted with this one.

Lessons Learned: Ok. How do I get this to sink in? Spirit boards are generally not a good idea. So making a spirit board… that’s an even worse idea. If there’s a way to communicate with the dead, leave it to the pros, eh? And another thing. Should you have a nightmare of a particularly creepy spirit, you shouldn’t EVER feel the need to make a painting of said spirit, and hang it on your effing wall! EVER. FO RILL.

Who Do I Watch With?: Anyone who’s up for a good, clean, scary movie. I do recommend bringing someone though. This one’s pretty spooky.

Movie Trivia: On the first day of shooting, an actual priest was brought in to bless the set (creepy trivia!). Also, James Wan turned down an unknown (but claimed to be very large) amount of money to direct Fast 8, in order to direct The Conjuring 2. \m/ \m/

Rating the Flick

Villain: 10/10. Wow this thing is nuts. As good as the demon in the first movie was, I think this one was even scarier. Wan really had a great design for the character(s), and I’m sure they’ll certainly be in a lot of upcoming nightmares.

Scare Factor: Palms doth sweateth (9/10)

This is a pretty long movie by horror standards, and while there are a few slow parts here and there, the scares are also there, the whole time. Be warned, this is a very scary movie.

Gore Rating: Barely Bloody Machete (1/5)

Not much to worry about here. Similar to the first one, basically no gore involved, but as Mr. Wan has shown us, it’s not needed to get you jumping in these films.

Overall Rating: 5/5 Recliners

….because Chairs! Yes, another perfect score. And I dare say (I dare, I dare!) that The Conjuring 2 is even better than the first movie. It’s just… really really good. The plot development is great, there’s good foreshadowing, subtle references to other films in the saga, and most importantly, straight up scary stuff. Really really solid film here. I don’t really know what else to say, so I think I’m just going to end it on that. If you get a chance, SEE THIS MOVIE IN THEATERS. It’s worth the ticket price.

So that’ll wrap up this review. As it turns out, there’s more horror movies being released in the coming months, so stay tuned. Never know what you might see on here… Oh, and I’ll leave you with this…

You hear door creaking, and as the door finally gives, you hear the sound of many heavy wooden objects falling to the floor. A cloud of dust explodes around you, and you have to make your way through a seemingly-endless number of cobwebs to get to your destination. That’s right, kids. You’ve made it back to the Unholy Cathedral. Sorry for the mess… This place hasn’t been used in a while. So now that we’re nice and comfortable, let’s talk spooky things.

A friend of mine sent me a teaser for a new Netflix movie (yes, I’m back on Netflix streaming! I’m a proud member of the year 2008) that was just released this year, and it sounded pretty creepy on paper. And bad guys who wear human face masks are pretty scary. Did you see that cover? Look at that. Creepy. Anyway, it’d been a while since I sat down for a good scary movie, and last night I decided to give Hush a spin.

Hush is the story of a deaf and mute writer who’s living on her own in a wooded area, where she’s working on her book. She has some good friends who are also her neighbors, and is struggling to wrap up her 2nd novel. And even though she’s self-sustaining, her impairment leaves her in a true state of isolation from the rest of the world. But not for long.. On this night, she has company, whether she likes it or not. And this company has some sinister intentions…

Put in your hearing aids, and let’s go in for A Closer Look.

Villain: A murderous young man

How Do I Stop Him?: This guy is as human as they come. But he’s clever, and induces a lot of fear and panic into his victims prior to attacking them. So if you do run into him, be smart about it. Keep your cool. And hopefully you have a good weapon at your disposal.

Lessons Learned: For goodness sake… if your best sense is sight, and you’re looking to hide, you should find a place that allows you to see all entrances to your hiding spot. And I can understand some people wanting to live in a secluded area for peace and quiet. But if you’re deaf, it’s always quiet, no? Perhaps that’s a little insensitive. But also realistic.

Who Do I Watch With?: I think this is a pretty great horror flick for anyone interested in the genre. And it has a similar feel to The Strangers, so I’d recommend watching this one with whomever you happen to live with. Protect your home, kiddos!

Movie Trivia: The entire film was shot in only 18 days. Also, there’s only 15 minutes of dialogue in the entire run time, so there’s more than an hour of the movie without any spoken words.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 7/10. This guy is a very good, crafty, killer. But he kind of contradicts himself along the journey. There are times where he shows his innate ability to maintain control of the situation with deception, marksmanship, and general fear. But then there are times where he makes, simply put, really dumb decisions. It’s a good character, but just fell short of being great.

Scare Factor: 8/1o. Pretty creepy movie here. I thought the use of the mask was well done in this one (there’s more than meets the eye), but in general the scares start early on, and the director keeps the discomfort going from there on. You’ll be on edge a lot during this one.

Gore Rating: Moderately Bloody Machete (3/5)

Oh yes, there’s some blood along the way too. Not to the point where you’ll be entirely grossed out, but it’s there. And I think it’s just the right amount for a movie like this. It brings the gravity of the situation to light, but isn’t excessive.

Overall Rating: 4/5 Silencers

Because you’ll never hear it coming. Hush is a really strong movie. The storyline is entirely self-explanatory, and they don’t really set up a long plot line. Which, in this case, works great for it. GOING ON RECORD: I don’t love when horror movies go through elaborate stories and essentially make a mystery about the motives of the beast, and then “uncover” the means to survive/kill it. Movies that do this well: Hellraiser, The Omen, The Conjuring. Movies that don’t: Van Helsing (ugh), recently Sinister II, The Gallows.

Anyway, back on track… Hush just brings a very personal, “in-your-face” kind of terror. And the threat is very realistic, so I think the scares are legitimate. It’s a solid flick, but I think it just needed to be a liiiiitttle scarier to bring home a 4.5 or 5 rating.

That’ll wrap up this review, but if you have Netflix, give it a try sometime! One of my more loyal listeners has been pushing more creepy video games my way, so eventually there may be some of that coming. But also, coaster season starts this week, so maybe I’ll write some things about that as well. In any case, I’ll try to keep the content coming at your source for all things scary.

Alright chums, let’s do this thing! The now seldomly-opened cathedral has creaked open its decaying doors, and the scares are back. What really sucks is that I’ve watched three or four horror movies in the last few months, but it’s been a hot minute since I saw them, and I wouldn’t feel right posting an out-dated review. So this week we’re going over the one I saw most recently, Unfriended.

Unfriended is the story of a group of teenagers who witness the horrific suicide of one of their classmates, and friends. Fast forward one year later, and the group of friends has done a pretty good job of moving on. But one girl is still coping with the loss of her good friend, unbeknownst to the rest of the group. Anyway, they get together on a skype call one evening (apparently skype is the AIM of 2015?) to hang out. But there’s an unknown guest on the call as well… and this unknown guest is making some scary threats. And what’s going on with their computers? Dun dun DUNNNNNNN.

How Do I Stop It?: Well, two ways. First, be a decent human being. I know, I know. Really solid advice. And second? Shut it down!

Lessons Learned: Posting shame videos of your friends on the internet isn’t the way to go, kids. This message is brought to you by famous people everywhere. And Mexico. I think the real lesson is that social media is the devil. Damn you, Zuckerberg.

Who Do I Watch With?: Well hopefully if you’re watching this, you’re either a horror junkie, or a 15-year old kid on a date. This is a classic teen romp.

Movie Trivia: All of the facebook and skype accounts in the movie exist, and can be found on their respective sites. Also the whole movie was completed as one long shot, with the actors on real computers in separate rooms of a house.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 1/10. This villain is one step short of a Wayans Bros. movie. It’s like Jigsaw from Saw had a teenage kid, but rather than come up with clever torture traps, he/she was just an internet troll. Do better, horror filmmakers.

Scare Factor: 3/10. As far as scares go, there aren’t many. I’ll admit it’s mildly entertaining to see how the story shakes out and watch these kids suffer, but at the end of the day it’s just not very scary.

Gore Rating: Barely Bloody Machete (1/5)

Just a touch of blood in here, as there’s one or two slightly gruesome scenes. But for the most part Unfriended is pretty tame.

Overall Rating: 0/5 AIM Away Messages Because we should all reflect on the best messaging software that ever was. Regardless of those CDs that AOL would send you in the mail. See, this is why this movie is bad. I can’t even talk about the horror. I just want to talk about Netscape Navigator and trollface. Unfriended is Unworthy of this blog, and yet here I am. Must be winter.

That’ll wrap up this review, but stay tuned. Who knows, maybe 3 months from now I’ll be back, hopefully with a much scarier movie. But in the meantime, feel free to throw some horror recommendations my way! Hope you’re all staying warm this winter.

Well I successfully took about a month off, but it’s time to re-open the doors to the Cathedral, kids. Welcome back yet again to the Unholy Cathedral, (hopefully) your source for all things that go bump in the night. This week we’re taking a look at Poltergeist, the 2015 re-make of the Craig T. Nelson (of Coach fame) film from the 1980’s.

I should start by saying that while many think of Poltergeist as a classic, I was never a big fan of the original. I think the original is more silly than scary, so I was hoping that this reboot would bring a modern approach and some legitimate scares… how’d it do? Let’s jump in.

Poltergeist is the story of a down-on-their-luck family who gets a great deal on a new house. Almost too good to be true, one might say. But they’re trying to get a fresh start with this new home. The good news? The place is in a nice, modern subdivision. The bad? The parents soon learn about a morbid history of their neighborhood at a dinner party, and when they return home, the kids are in real bad shape. At least those of them who are still there… Well damn.

Let’s jump behind the screen for A Closer Look

Villain: Evil Spirits trying to lure a young girl to them so they can find new life

How do I Stop Them?: Well… hopefully you’re smart enough to recognize a bad situation when you see it, and therefore can make conscious decisions about when you’re being tricked. But should you fall into this trap… I hope you’ve got a good friend who knows their paranormal stuff.

Lessons Learned: Well, if a house is selling for a price that seems too good to be true, there’s likely a reason for it. Ask the question, all you home buyers! And for goodness sake, if you have a family of 5 and both parents are unemployed, try just a LITTLE financial responsibility. Not that that has anything to do with being haunted. That’s just sound advice. And finally, if you move into a house that has random clown dolls hidden in a secret room behind a wall? GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

Who Do I Watch With?: I’d recommend that if you’re gonna watch this one, it should be with someone who’s seen the original. Or just has a penchant for not-great horror.

Movie Trivia: The movie trivia this week is pretty sad, which I guess is par for the course with this one. But one of the lead actresses admitted in a Q&A that she’d never seen the original film until this one had completed production.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 3/10. Most of you know that I’m more into the paranormal movies than slashers, so this should be an easy win for me. But alas, the evil entity is just not scary whatsoever, and it’s also not very creative.

Scare Factor: 3/10. I had to conceded a few points. The “development” phase of the movie was actually decent, with a few creepy moments. But once the thing is revealed and we see the “other side,” it’s just not scary whatsoever.

Gore Rating: Clean Machete (0/5)

Not a drop of blood on that thing! Look at it, just glistening over there, waiting to hack up some unfortunate soul. It’ll have to wait for the next movie. Poltergeist holds back on the blood, as well as the scares.

Overall Rating: 0.5 Flatscreen Televisions

This one is pretty rough from start to finish. And they tried to put in some subtle “homages” to the original, but they really just invoke lots of headshaking and facepalming. The dad is trying to be a Coach. Sigh. And the school where he’s trying to become the coach? It’s named after the director of the original. Someone stick a fork in this one.

On a COMPLETE side note that is unrelated to this post, something else that needs a fork stuck in it– The Walking Dead. My crusade against this season is growing stronger. It’s awful.

In any case, tread carefully when it comes to Poltergeist. It’s got about 2 good moments. When you’re trying to market your movie based on a prop that’s used only in a few scenes, you’re doing it wrong. May I instead recommend Annabelle?

That’s going to wrap up this Unholy review. On another side note, I watched The Gallows last night, and Adam’s review a few months ago was pretty on-point. Mildly entertaining for a while, but the end was incredibly cheesy. I think I enjoyed it better than Poltergeist though. But there are more things scary coming, even in the Christmas season. So stay tuned for more Unholy Happenings.