I’m
a 32-year-old, very attractive, very fit SWM living in NYC.
I’m well-read and well-spoken. I march to the beat of my own
drum. Friends tell me that my personality is intense. It must
be true—everyone concurs. I’m extremely idealistic, and I
count myself as a romantic. I’m interested in an intense and
consuming love affair with a woman. But friends tell me that
my approach to courtship and my energy scare women off.

I’m tired of fouling things up and making myself lonely. Yet,
when a lady friend of mine, in response to my most recent
upset, suggested I spend a night out with her where she would
act as my wingman, I recoiled. Prowling for random women in
a bar doesn’t fit my sense of romance.

Should I consider counseling to try to tame my personality?
Should I just be myself and continue being lonely and misunderstood?

—Wild
Horses Drag Me Away

You
don’t give me much to go on, WHDMA. It would help to know,
for example, what exactly you’re doing—besides being all intensely
romantic and extremely idealistic and physically fit and stuff—that
scares women off. How does your “intensity” manifest itself?
Without that info, it’s difficult to whip up some advice for
you.

But I can do a little decoding for you: When friends
say “your personality is intense,” what they typically mean
is “you are an asshole.”

Assholes who have friends sometimes conclude that there’s
something wrong with dating or bars or all the women and/or
men on the planet because, hey, I’ve got friends—and
if my friends can stand me, why couldn’t my ex- girlfriend(s)?
But friending, if I may borrow Facebook’s proprietary verb,
an asshole is easy; dating an asshole is hard. (Or that’s
what my boyfriend tells me, anyway.)

A friendship involves a smaller time commitment; a girlfriend,
if you could keep one, is required to spend much more time
with you. Not only that, WHDMA, but people who are romantically
involved with assholes come in for a higher degree of scrutiny.
A person with an asshole friend is regarded as tolerant and/or
indulgent and/or foolish. But a person with an asshole boyfriend
is viewed as having a character flaw. Or several: lousy taste
in men, the wrong kind of masochistic streak, low self-esteem,
abuse issues, etc.

So, yeah, you should consider counseling to “tame your personality.”
Your alleged virtues—extremely intense! extremely romantic!
extremely idealistic!—may not themselves be the problem. But
if the people living outside your skull have identified them
as impediments to your professed romantic goals, WHDMA, then
there’s something problematic about the way you’re expressing
them.

And that lady friend who offered to take you out and act as
your wingman? I suspect she was trying to pull the stick out
of your ass and trying to get you to see that dating—at least
at the outset—is about pleasure, not intensity. I assure you
that bars all over the civilized world are packed with “random
women” as interested in intense and consuming love affairs
as you are. You might want to give them a chance.

A long time ago I experienced, late one nite, roasted,
drunk, blah, blah, blah!!! This brother picked me up and drove
me to his place and screwed me good. He said I was hot!!!
I really liked it, had an anal orgasm!!! It was indescribable.
I loved it!!! He gave me his number. But I was too shy to
call back. Never saw him again. So I bought dildos and proceeded
to fuck myself and get drunk or high (weed) every night!!!
What does that make me? Closet drunk? Closet English cigarette?
I like pussy, too! Whatzup?!

—Anonymously
Me

I
don’t have the faintest idea!!!

My boyfriend refuses to have any kind of intercourse
with me while my Aunt Flo is visiting. I’m not asking to have
sex when I’m on my heavy days, just at the beginning and tail
ends of my period. He says it’s disgusting, even if he wears
a condom, and that it makes his stomach turn to even think
about it. I find this terribly frustrating because my period
lasts a good 10 days (according to his definition), and I
have to go without any loving the whole time. And yet he expects
me to blow him on a regular basis during that time. I love
him, and I’d rather not DTMFA over this. What can I do?

—Aunt
Flo Terminates Erection Return

Only
blow him on days when he hasn’t used his penis to urinate.

Because really, AFTER, how can he ask you to suck cock on
days when pee comes out of his thing? That’s just as disgusting—it’s
more disgusting—than a little bit of blood on the condom.
And any guy who can’t handle a little bit of blood shouldn’t
be asking his girlfriend to ingest whatever trace amounts
of urine might be lurking in his urethra. But if he wants
you to blow him—to keep him content during your period—then
he needs to find a way to do the same for you. If he can’t
bring himself to fuck you during your period, AFTER, then
at the very least he can help you get off with a vibrator,
or engage in outercourse with you, or mutual masturbation,
or eat your pussy through a wad of Saran Wrap.

If he won’t do any of that, reconsider DTMFA.

I thought I knew what teabagging meant: to dip a man’s
testicles in and out of your mouth. But during a recent conversation
about the Republican teabagging craze, my boyfriend told me
that teabagging meant to put your balls into someone else’s
mouth. A person without balls, he insists, can’t do the teabagging.
But many people I know think they are the teabagger and their
partner is the one being teabagged. An internet search turns
up both definitions. So, Dan, I’m asking you—as an expert
on all things both political and sexual—do any of us hetero
females have a chance of teabagging President Obama? Don’t
get me wrong: I want to teabag the president for all the right
reasons. I’m a supporter. I just want in on any political
activity that involves Obama’s balls in my mouth.

—The
Earnest Aspirant

Let’s
say you were in the West Wing with Barack Obama’s sack resting
comfortably in your mouth. Perhaps you had done something
meritorious—defeated the Somalian pirates, sworn in Senator
Al Franken—and you were being awarded the Presidential Wattle
of Freedom. TheNew York Times might report,
“The president of the United States and a Savage Love reader
were spotted ‘teabagging’ in the Oval Office today.”

But while you can teabag with the president, TEA, you
don’t have what it takes to administer a teabagging to
the president. To teabag someone, you need a scrotum with
which to teabag them: The teabagger dips sack; a teabaggee
receives dipped sack. It’s a little confusing, I realize,
in that it’s the opposite of a blowjob: The person with a
dick in his or her mouth is giving the blowjob; the person
being sucked is receiving the blowjob. But language is funny
that way.

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