(Please read the Rights of Use conditions at the bottom
of this page before printing out.)

Synopsis: Wishing to be more stronger in his
Christian walk, but not willing to do what is necessary, a
gullible fellow orders an advertised "Spiritually Fit
Kit" from a TV infomercial. When it arrives, he heads over
to a friend's house him to invite him to join in the program.
Recognizing the futility of try to take a shortcut to spiritual
health, the more mature friend advises against it, but stays to
witness the predictably painful (and hilarious) results! Picking
up the pieces when it's all over, he helps him to see the true
path to spiritual growth and health.

Characters: Bill, the one ordering the kit.
Leonard, the friend who warns him and then helps him. (Please
note: the gender of both or either of the characters may be
changed according to your cast or desires. The soundtrack CD also
works for either.) NOTE:
Change the script slightly to make Leonard be Bill's father to
make it fantastic for Father's Day!

Costumes: Casual clothes, with the exception
of a pair of large, colorful, fuzzy animal-shaped bedroom
slippers for Bill. The more ridiculous looking, the better!

Props: Box with the letters "Spiritually
Fit Kit" on the outside, large enough to hold all the props
that go inside the kit. (You may print out the sign here.) A
boom box, hand-held mirror, iron, plastic police nightstick (can
be found at a costume store or a place like Party City),
large plastic cross necklace, (also available at the costume
store or Party City), manila envelope, CD in case. Bible for
Leonard. Box of tissues. Some fake dollar bills.

Setting: A living room. May be as minimal as
a card table and a couple of folding chairs.

Music and sound effects: This skit is very
dependent on the pre-recorded soundtrack. See the following:

NOTE:
Your actors deliver the dialog and you play the
background music and effects tracks as listed in the
script to enhance your performance. However, the part of
the trainer "Miss Fitt" and her recording IS on
the soundtrack.

Soundtrack: As always, the
specially-recorded soundtrack will make your performance
of this skit script much funnier, professional, and
effective. All of the music and effects called for in
this script are on the Combo
Package #10 Soundtrack CD, along with the
tracks for "The Crate Escape." You may order it
now for $20 plus shipping on the Soundtracks
Page, or add it to your shopping cart by clicking
here.
The CD comes with a free MP3 download to use till the CD
arrives.

OR: Buy JUST the MP3 files for digital
download for only $15.(The physical CD does
not come with this option.) Click here to Add to Cart and get the instant
download, then burn an audio CD from it!

NEW!Click here
to listen to a new feature: a 7 minute
Windows Media preview of the entire soundtrack CD, with
short clips from each track!

"How To Be
Spiritually Fit"

(Begin Cut #13 on the Soundtrack CD,
the Musical Skit Intro.)

(Leonard enters the stage. He is coming home from work, so
he is tired.)

Leonard: (Tossing his keys on the table and taking off his
tie.) Oh, man, what a day. I'm bushed. And I've got Men's
Bible Study tonight, too. (Looks at his watch.) Guess
I've got time to grab a bite to eat before I go.

(Begin Track #14: Phone rings once. He
picks it up and answers it.)

Leonard: Hello? (Pause.) Oh, Hey, Bill. What's up? (Pause.)
Well, I'm going to be leaving for Men's Bible Study in about
a 20 minutes. Why? (Pause.) You've got something you
ordered that you want to show me... (Pause.) Uh, huh.
Well, I guess there's time... sure, come on over. The front
door's open, just let yourself in. (Pause.) Okay, see
you in a few. Bye. (Hangs up.) Wonder what's so urgent?
He sounded really hyper about something he'd gotten. Hope it's
not another one of his crazy new gizmos. Last time he bought a
Combination Salad Shooter and Pooper Scooper. I haven't eaten at
his house since.

(He sits down and picks up the TV remote.)

Leonard: Oh, well, guess I'll grab some supper after the
meeting. I'll just relax and watch a little TV til he gets here.

(He holds up the remote toward the audience and clicks the
TV on.)

(Begin Cut #15 on the Soundtrack CD,
the TV sounds.)

(He clicks through a series of commercials, with evident
boredom, until he settles on a channel.)

TV Announcer copy:

"Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired? Is your walk
with God more like a shuffle? Is your hour of prayer more like a
minute of meditation? Has your desire to get up and go witness,
got up and went? Then you need to get spiritually fit with the
worlds most popular spiritual fitness trainer, Miss Fit.
Shes made available for the first time anywhere, the
Spiritually Fit Kit, yours for the low, low price of $99.95, made
in three easy payments of 40.00 a month! Youll feel like a
million bucks, just by following the simple directions and the
easy to use Spiritually Fit items!"

(Leonard's face shows interest but disbelief.)

Testimonial #1: "Before I ordered the spiritually fit kit
I was ignorant and lazy, now I am a spiritual dynamo and the
pastor of a large church."

Testimonial #2: "After taking Miss Fitt's Spiritually Fit
course, I changed from a 98 lb. weakling for God into a spiritual
dynamo. Why, just yesterday, I beat up 5 atheists and a ACLU
member!"

Anncr: "Youll be in tip-top spiritual health in one
easy lesson, money back guaranteed! So have your credit card
ready, and call the number on your screen, 1-800-Mis- Fitt. The
number again, 1-800-Mis-Fitt. Call today!"

Bill: That's right, now we too can become spiritualArnold Schwarzeneggers!

Leonard: I'm not sure that's a good thing...

Bill: I brought it over the moment it was delivered, to share
with you! Yeah, we can do this program together and save money,
maybe split the bill...?

Leonard: You want me to do that? No way...
it's stupid!

Bill: (Putting fists on his hips and tapping a foot in a
fuzzy slipper.) What do I look like, an idiot?

(Leonard very pointedly looks at Bill's fuzzy slippers.)

Leonard: You don't really want me to answer
that, do you?

(Bill follows his gaze and realises with embarrassment
that he has inadvertantly warn them over.)

Bill: Oops! I forgot I had them on... I ran
right over to share this with you and didn't stop to take them
off.

Leonard: You shouldn't just take them off, you should put them
out of their misery!

Bill: Look, forget the slippers.

Leonard: I wish I could!

Bill: Getting back to the kit... that you
called "stupid." Are you inferring that I'm
stupid for ordering it?

Leonard: (Shrugging.) Well, if the shoe fits.. or in
this case, the fuzzy slipper.

Bill: I'll have you know I have a very high
I.Q. I'm a member of MENSA. If fact, I've willed my brain to
science!

Leonard: I think they came for it early!

Bill: Oh, well, I see you don't need
anything to help you become more spiritual. You're a already a
saint! I'll pack my kit and go home.

Leonard: I never said I didn't need to be more spiritual, just
that this kit isn't...

Bill: (Holding up his hands.) No, no, you're a saint!

Leonard: (Humbly.) Well, all believers are saints in
the general scriptural sense of the word...

Bill: No, you remind me of one particular saint....

Leonard: (Somewhat pleased.) Really ? Which one?

Bill: (Snaps.) Bernard! (He heads toward the
door.)

Leonard: (Going after him.) Look Bill, I'm sorry, I
didn't mean to say you were stupid. It's just that I know this
kit you ordered is going to be a waste of time and money. You'd
be much better off reading your Bible and studying it with
others.

Bill: But I don't have the time! That's the
whole point of this, to be a time-saver.

Leonard: I can see I'm not making an impression. I tell you
what, you go ahead and begin the program, and I'll sit over here
and watch to see how it works with you before I try it.

Bill: So, this is a challenge, then? Your old-fashioned,
sloooow-motion way of doing it, against my modern, high-speed
method?

Leonard: Well, I don't know if I'd put it that way, but...

Bill: Then I accept! You sit over there, "read your
Bible" or whatever, and I'll plug into the power with my
Spiritually Fit Kit, and when it's all over we'll see who's in
better shape.

Leonard: Okay, it's a deal. Have at it!

(Bill places the box on the table and opens it to look
inside, rubbing his hands together in anticipation.)

Bill: Look at all this cool stuff!

(He reaches in and removes a CD.)

Bill: (Reading the label.) "Miss Fitt's
Spiritual Fitness Audio Training Program." (To Leonard.)
Listen to this: (Reads back of CD: click here
to print out and put on a card to put in the prop CD case.)
"Beef up your inward man with this ground-breaking program
for building faith, character and spiritual strength. Through the
power of positive thinking, reinforced with a series of
Biblically-inspired training activities, you will become the
Christian you have always wanted to be!" (To Leonard.)
Sounds like a plan!

Leonard: (Dryly.) Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Bill: You are such a negative thinker! (Indicating CD
player on table.) Do you mind if I use your boom box for
this?

Leonard: Sure... why not? (He pulls up a chair off to one
side and sits down in it with crossed arms.) This oughtta be
good.

Bill: (As he puts in the CD.) When this is over, I'm
going to be a "Miss Fitt" Christian!

Leonard: (With a cynical laugh.) I don't doubt it. (He
picks up his Bible and opens it to read, but looks back up at
Bill occasionally as things get interesting.)

(Begin Track #17
on the CD: Miss Fit's Program. This one sequence runs nearly
seven minutes, and Miss Fitt's dialog is on the soundtrack. Bill
listens anxiously and nods frequently.)

Miss Fit: Welcome to the beginning of a new way of life. One
of dynamic and powerful living for God.

Before we start, let me tell you something very important; the
money back guarantee if complete satisfaction is only good if you
follow all my instructions to the letter, in conjunction with the
proper and consistent use of the items included in your
Spiritually Fit Kit. Now, lets begin, shall we?

Bill: (Giving an enthusiastic thumbs up.) Ready!

Miss Fit: First, we have to let everyone know that we are
Christians. Too many believers hide their light under a bushel,
but I have developed a little something to help you shine your
light for Jesus. Please look in your Spiritually Fit Kit for the
item marked #1.

(Bill takes out a large plastic cross on a string, with a
label on it marked #1. He looks at it a little doubtfully.)

Miss Fit: This little item will show you that you are a
shining beacon in a dark world. Everyone that you see that you
are a Christian! Come on now, you're not ashamed of Jesus, are
you?

(Bill shakes his head "no," and puts on the
large cross, hanging it about his neck.)

Miss Fit: Wonderful! Now do the Miss Fitt Victory Dance, and
sing along!

Bill: (Holding his neck.) I'm starting to feel a big
blister right here!

Miss Fit: Now youre on the road to spiritual fitness.

Bill: I'm on the road to the burn unit, that's where I'm on
the road to... (He puts the iron down on the table.)

Miss Fit: Now that your mind is open and clear, well
begin the mental disciplines.

Bill: Oh, this will be easy.

Miss Fit: The Bible says, As a man thinketh in his
heart, so is he. If you want to be spiritually fit
youve got to bring every thought under subjection. Now go
over to your Spiritually Fit Kit and take out item # 3.

(Bill puts down the iron on the table and reaches back
into the box, bringing out a hand-held mirror, with the #3 tag
hanging off of it. He looks at it, confused.)

Miss Fit: Look at yourself in the mirror... what do you see?

(Looking into it, he sees something in his teeth and
begins to pick it out.)

Bill: I see a piece of spinach in my teeth!

Miss Fit: You see a pathetic loser, dont you?

(Bill does a double-take into the mirror with concern on
his face.)

Miss Fit: You see a person with low self esteem...

(He pulls a face at himself.)

Miss Fit: ...A person with no personality, and you feel lazy,
lazier than a hound dog on valium!

(He lolls his tongue out the side of his mouth and weaves
his head as if about to fall asleep.)

Miss Fit: Well, its time to change, you lazy loser! Now
repeat after me: I am a good person...

Bill: I am a good person.

Miss Fit: I am good looking...

Bill: (Admiring himself in the mirror.) I am good
looking!

Miss Fit: I am somebody!

Bill: (Enthusiastically.) I am somebody!

Miss Fit: Again!

Bill: (Getting into this part.) I am somebody!
Oh, yeah... I am soooooomebody! (Keeps on talking
himself up as Miss Fitt on the CD tries to interrupt him.)

Miss Fit: Ah... thats good...thats...
thats... thats enough....

Bill: (Posing and strutting as he looks in the mirror, he
breaks into a dance move.) I am da bomb! We bad... uh, huh,
we bad...

Miss Fit:: (Shouting, she stops him.) Thats
enough, you moron!

(Bill stops, shocked and embarrassed as he realises what
she is saying.)

Miss Fit: (Recovering.) Now that we have a positive
self image, and confidence, we can move to the next step in
spiritual fitness. Take out item # 4.

(Shrugging, Bill puts down the mirror and goes to the box.
He takes out a manila envelope with the #4 tag hanging from it.
He looks down at it as he holds it in front of him so that the
audience can see the large letters of the address on the front.
It says:

To: Miss Fitt
12827 Millionaires Row
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

You may click here to have a page
to print out and tape on the envelope front.)

Miss Fit: (Continuing.) This is a exercise in
charity. Take all of your money out and put it into the envelope.

(Bill's face drops and his eyebrows knit in a sorrowful
expression as he takes some bills out of his pocket and puts them
in the envelope as she continues speaking. He makes a show of
licking the flap and sealing it, then dropping it into the box,
waving goodbye to it as he does.)

Miss Fit: (Speaking as he does all this.) You
cant be greedy and spiritually fit at the same time, now
seal the envelope and drop it in the mail to me, Miss Fitt, first
thing in the morning. Now, didnt that feel like a big step
toward spiritual fitness.

Bill: (Sobbing.) If felt like a big step toward
bankruptcy court!

Miss Fit: Next, one key to spiritual fitness is to witness, so
lets practice.

(Note: the next series of actions goes quickly. No time to
wait around to do them!)

Miss Fit: Shake the hand of the person nearest you!

(Bill goes over and grabs Leonard's hand and begins
shaking it fiercely.)

Miss Fit:: Pat someone on the back!

(Bill, still displaying the frozen grin, and still shaking
his hand, whacks Leonard a couple of times on the back.)

Miss Fit: Hug someone!

(Bill, still shaking his hand, puts his other arm around
Leonard and squeezes him in a hug, which Leonard, with a grimace
on his face, tolerates with a pat or two to humor him.)

Miss Fit: Give someone a holy kiss!

(At this, both of them jerk their head around to look at
each other in horror, and a beat later they quickly separate,
with Leonard shoving him away! Bill moves quickly away as if he
wants no part of it either, and both swing their arms and puff
their chests out as if trying to re-assert their manliness.)

Miss Fit: Next on the agenda, take out item # 5.

(Bill goes back to the box and lifts out the next item: a
nightstick with the number 5 label attached by a string. He holds
it up in front of his face and looks at it in fear as she
continues to speak.)

Miss Fit: I call this part of the program "no pain, no
gain!" Pain and suffering are our friends!

Bill: (Still looking at the nightstick.) With friends
like that, who needs enemies?

Miss Fit: They help us to overcome temptation by focusing us
on God, instead of the object of our desire. Ive give you
an example... remember that big hot fudge sundae you saw in the
restuarant last night?

(A light comes on in Bill's eyes as he reflects back,
looking up and picturing it with a dreamy grin and broadly
licking his lips.)

Miss Fit: It was a huge triple scoop of french vanilla ice
cream on chocolate fudge cake, drizzled all over with hot
chocolate sauce, and topped with chopped peanuts and a bright red
cherry?

(He is nodding as if hypnotised when Miss Fitt lays on him
the next sudden command, which he obeys instantly
without thinking:)

Miss Fit: Well, hit yourself in the head for that!

(BAP! He whacks the side of his head and
reacts as if someone else did it, looking dazed and staggering!)

Miss Fit: Come on, harder than that...

(BAP!He does it again, harder! Leonard
stands up and watches in concern and disbelief.)

(Staggering and wincing, Bill pauses as Miss Fitt
continues, then repeatedly whacks himself in the face, first one
side and then the other, back and forth, as Miss Fitt is
degrading him! A total of six consecutive whacks to coincide with
each adjective below!)

(Bill is barely standing as she finishes, reeling from
side to side, as Leonard sits down again, shaking his head.)

Miss Fit: Now, dont think about dessert any more or
youll get more of the same!

Bill: (Raising his arms and waving his hands back and
forth, as he shakes his head.) Huh, uh!

Miss Fit: See how it works? Youve totally forgotten
about food, havent you?

Bill: (Putting a hand to his head with a puzzled
expression.) Forgotten about what?

Miss Fit: Now for our final step in spiritual fitness. The sin
of pride keeps Christians from being effective, but youve
got to be willing to look foolish in the eyes of the world.

(Bill looks up worriedly and mouths the word silently:
Foolish?)

Miss Fit: This discipline is designed to remove that pride.
Now crawl on your hands and knees and bark like a dog!

(Shrugging, as if to resignedly say, "whatever,"
he drops to his hands and knees and begins to do
exactly what she tells him to as she delivers the lines!)

Miss Fit: Bark, Fido, Bark!

Miss Fit: Sit up and beg!

Miss Fit: Now kick like a mule! Yee haw, yee haw!

Miss Fit: Alright youve earned a rest, take a little
while to relax.

(Exhausted after all this activity, he wobbles over to
Leonard and puts his hands together in supplication to use his
chair. Leonard gets up and gestures for him to take it, and he
collapses into it with a tired smile until he hears the next
line:)

Miss Fit: Alright, now that youve rested...

(He looks pitiful and befuddled at her short resting time,
but jumps up anyway.)

Miss Fit: Lets take a brief review of all the elements
weve learned today...

Bill: (Distressed, as he looks at Leonard.)A
review?!?!

Miss Fit: (Continuing.) ...as we go over them in
order, be sure to keep up and do them all! Lets go!

(Bill leaps into action, trying to keep up by doing each
thing in an abbreviated, comically exasperated fashion. The actor
should have fun and throw himself into this, the high-speed
comedic climax of the script!)

Miss Fit: (Rapid fire.) Pump iron, 1,2! 1, 2!

(Bill grabs the iron and hefts it quickly a couple of
times.)

Miss Fit: Kick yourself!

(Still lifting the iron, he kicks backward with one leg to
try and kick himself!)

Miss Fit: Bark like a dog!

(Jumping up and down to kick himself, while pumping the
iron, he barks like a dog!)

Miss Fit: Kick like a mule!

(He drops the iron, does a handstand and kicks his feet up
in the back!)

Miss Fit: Hit yourself in the head with the club!

(He grabs the nightstick with the other hand and hits
himself in the head several times in time with
the seven rapid "face hit"
sound effects on the soundtrack!)

Miss Fit: Now do all of this every day, and you will be
spiritually fit! So go to it, and knock yourself out!

(Coinciding with the sound effect of two WHAPS!
on the soundtrack-- he hits himself in the head
with the nightstick, and falls backward, feet flailing up in the
air as he literally knocks himself out!)

(Leonard has come over, concerned at the damage Bill may
have done to himself, and looks down at Bill's prone form.)

Leonard: Bill! Are you okay?

(Suddenly, Bill sits upright, an angry expression carved
into his face. Leonard backs up fearfully at this, and Bill gets
up, rage expressed in his entire body. His back is hunched, his
fingers clenching and unclenching, his face in a grimace.)

Bill: (Screaming.) I can't take this anymore!!!!

(Coinciding with the "dangerous frenzy" music on
the soundtrack, he raises the nightstick he still holds, and
begins SMASHING the items on the table! The boombox, the iron,
the mirror, it is all being bashed as we hear the sounds of
destruction on the track. Even Miss Fitt is screaming as he
attacks the CD player!)

Leonard: Bill, stop it! Control yourself!

(Bill turns on Leonard as he tries to grab him, flailing
away at him with the nightstick in his blind rage, as Leonard
retreats with arms raised to protect himself! Bill turns back to
the table for several more blows as the music comes to an end.
The sound of sparking electricity is heard as he surveys the
damage, breathing heavily.)

Leonard: Bill, settle down! Are you nuts? Are you crazy?
You're freakin' me out here!

(Bill, wild-eyed and disheveled, looks around as he
recovers from his fit. Then he begins to sob as it hits him, and
dropping the nightstick, he turns to Leonard, putting his head on
his shoulder and crying. Leonard tries to console him, putting
his arms around him and patting his back as a mother would.)

Bill: (Out of breath.) I'm sorry, I just lost it
there for a minute... I mean, I just couldn't take the thought of
having to do all that to make God happy with me. I just kind of
snapped! (He stands up straighter and sniffs, as he tries to
bring his emotion under control.)

(Leonard hands Bill a tissue from a box on the table and
he honks his nose in it loudly.)

Bill: If this is what it takes to be spiritually fit, I just
can't do it. I just don't have it in me!

Leonard: Well... maybe this crazy kit has done some good after
all!

Bill: Huh?

Leonard: You've finally come to the place where you realise
you can't live the Christian life in your own strength.

Bill: But... we're supposed to be strong, active Christians!
You work for the Lord all the time!

Leonard: Because I lean on the Lord. You see, Christianity is
more than works. People try to accomplish spirituality by outward
motion and effort. But the Bible says, "Bodily exercise
profiteth little." Do you understand what the means?

Bill: (Rubbing a sore muscle.) I think I'm beginning
to...

Leonard: It means we can't achieve spiritual health through
physical strength or outward activity. It's an inner condition
that can only be achieved through a relationship with the Lord,
and growing daily by taking in his Word. Then, and only then,
will our physical labors bear fruit. You've got it backwards!

Bill: So you're telling me that all my efforts mean nothing?

Leonard: If they are done in your own strength, yes. Jesus
said, "Without Me, you can do nothing." We must abide
in Him, and depend on His strength to help us accomplish His
will. Here, look at this...

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee:
for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly
therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power
of Christ may rest upon me."

Bill: So, it's saying, that when I know I'm weak, and lean on
Him, then I can have His strength?

Leonard: Exactly! Listen, there's more in the next verse:
"Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in
necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake:
for when I am weak, then am I strong."

Bill: Well, I have no trouble admitting I'm weak. I know it
now. I am weak! I am pathetic!

Leonard: Yes, you are. (Bill shoots him a hurt look and he
hurriedly adds:) Uh, we all are, without
God's help! But we don't have to be limited by our weakness. Look
over here in Phil:4:13... (Flips to the next card.)
"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth
me."

Bill: That's what I've been missing! I thought I had to do it
all myself to make God happy, and to be in spiritual shape.

Leonard: Here's one I love and depend on...Eph:6:10: (Turns
page and reads from card.) "Finally, my brethren, be
strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might." You see,
a daily discipline of prayer and Bible reading will get you on
the true road to spiritual fitness.

Bill: That's what I want. I think I need to learn some more
about all this. Would you mind if I went to the Men's Bible study
with you?

Leonard: (With a relieved laugh, he puts a hand on Bill's
shoulder.) I was hoping you'd ask me! Let's go.

Bill: First, let me clean up this mess and put everything back
in the box. (He begins putting all the elements back into
it.)

I can't get a refund since I couldn't follow all the
directions to the letter. Maybe I can sell it on ebay or
something...

Leonard: (Firmly, as he helps.) Oh, no, this belongs
in the trash can. We'll put it in the dumpster on the way out.

Bill: I guess you're right... Let me get my money out of
here... (Takes it out of the envelope.)

(Bill reacts with alarm at the shouting and heads
double-time out the door as Leonard marches him like a drill
sargeant.)

Leonard:Move it, move it, move it!
(Continues to shout in his face as he runs beside him pointing,
and they exit to the music!) Hup, two! Hup, two!
Hup, two!

The End

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