A STELLAR MISTAKE

Award season. One of the most exciting times in Hollywood. Where films, actors, producers, directors and colourful creatives all come together to pat ourselves on the back for contributing to our industry.
It’s the time of year where the Dom Perignon flows down the river of red carpets. Where “who are you wearing?” meets limo-lined streets under the diamond rows of papparrazi flashes. (Yes, the flamboyant adjectives and visual imagery written here are intentional. Eye roll at will. I do.)

Now I do understand that our industry relies a large percentage on networking, “who know know,” and, more importantly, “what you know about who you know” and general nepotism. And that’s not just in Hollywood. However I wonder if the award darlings would indeed reflect the same amount of Golden Globe glow or Oscar obeisance if the general “Jo” on the street had more of a say. I was recently asked to write a review on the Oscar Award winning film “Interstellar.” This was my response.

I am writing in response to your request for a review on the film “Interstellar.”
I began my journey with high hopes, as this movie was not only an Oscar darling, but had come highly recommended to me.

Now I usually find myself able to happily trot along with most high concept and totally implausible storylines as, after all, it is entertainment. However in this particular instance I found myself saying “What the actual fuck?” A number of times.

Besides the very unclear year in which this is set ( which is upsetting for most linear story lines,) I also began to question my level of deafness whilst sexy old Matty mumbled through his performance. But my most favourite was his convincing delivery of the line “Say it, don’t spray it.” For which I feel The Nolans must be shot.

I feel it would be remiss of me not to mention how absolutely astounded I was by Matty’s ability to fly that complicated space ship and attach it so brilliantly to a whirling dervish of a space craft after so many years living as a farmer. I guess some skills are just there for life!

Anne Hathaway must just not. If her eyes brimmed with tears one more time, I too would have left her on the last remaining option of a planet.
As a hopeless romantic myself, I would never judge the length and breadth love can go to, but for the love of God! Anne’s “love conquers all and transcends all physical boundaries, oh the intangible power of love…” Arg!
I think I’m a man.

Matt Damon. Oh other Matty! Well after “Elysium,” I believe he is indeed searching for a new planet in order to resurrect his career. I’m sorry to report, this was still not the one. Better luck on “Gravity 2-the earth still sucks as does my acting in this film.” As he rose from the “long sleep” being newly born into the arms of his namesake, Matty1,” I felt I had been transported, possibly via another dimension, to my first year drama class. It was a spectacular effort of “what would it be like to finally see another human being after all that time? I must emote accordingly.”

The best thing in it was Michael Caine, as he didn’t say much, and died early. His bizarre interjections of the Dylan Thomas poem was enough to kill him.

As for the reference to “them,” well that had me on the floor. Indeed that is a well thought out character driven plot point, well explained as we realize in fact “them” is “us” and human kind inevitably will survive and save ourselves, without the help from any other beings. After all, we are the top of the food chain, not only in this dimension, but in the entire galaxy and beyond. Very powerful and humble we are!

I did agree that the special effects were fantastic and worth the Oscar nod. The soundtrack resembled somewhat of an 80’s porn in places, but I overlooked that as I was too busy trying to work how they were going to get to the singularity inside a black hole, (the old pencil through the paper imagery at the beginning was very original.)
“Sling shotting” around the planet using its gravitational force was very reminisce of “Apollo 13,” or “Armageddon,” I can’t remember which.

All of that said, please do not think I am only partial to films based totally upon reality, or films that don’t push the boundaries of imagination or thought. Even totally futuristic and fantastical stories. However, “Interstellar” had enough apparent holes in the story line, I myself was searching for a big black one to crawl into.

But what do I know? It’s got more “stars” in it than our galaxy and has clearly made millions.