A little less than a year ago, Kevin Smith claimed that he would retire from filmmaking upon completion of Clerks III. It was only a few months before he amended that statement, claiming that “From now until I drop dead, I’m only ever gonna make a flick that only I would/could ever make,” citing several of his past works (Cop Out, Zack & Miri) as films that “anyone” could make.

That being the case, I’d sure as hell like to know what Smith finds so unique about his latest effort, Tusk, which contains neither the sardonic wit that punctuated his more cherished works nor adds anything even remotely innovative to the torture porn genre it is supposedly parodying. Tusk isn’t nearly as hilarious or fresh as it thinks it is, resulting in a final product that looks like a poor man’s Wes Anderson directed a homeless man’s Human Centipede. Thanks Kevin, but I’d have much preferred something closer to “The Midnight Coterie of Sinister Intruders.”

The wafer-thin premise of Tusk can be explained in less than a logline (“Lonely old man converts young douchebag into walrus”), likely because it was spawned during the recording of a podcast which itself was relaying an online classified Smith had randomly stumbled upon. That is not meant as a criticism, necessarily, as great ideas can and do often come from everyday inspiration. 2012’s Safety Not Guaranteed was similarly borne from a bizarre Gumtree ad and was one of the most memorable movies of the year because of (or perhaps, despite) it, but it is Smith’s inability to add anything to Tusk aside from its hook that truly drags it out of the “good-bad” territory it promises and into the “just bad” territory where it ends up.

But then again, perhaps I spoke too soon. I suppose Tusk *is* unique in its ability to overplay yet simultaneously undersell the few hands it tries to deal its audience over the course of its slow slog to the finish line. There isn’t a single “joke,” flashback, or cutaway in Tusk that doesn’t proceed to kill whatever momentum it builds up by overstaying its welcome, and each scene plays out with the kind of meandering carelessness that all but forces you to assume that Smith was making the whole thing up as he was going along. “Quirky” and “funny” are not interchangeable concepts, though Tusk seems to posit that they are, and the result is a 90-minute exercise in self-satisfaction that is too busy patting itself on the back for having the “balls” to commit to one inside joke that it never even bothers to attempt any others. The only thing missing from Tusk is an empty wine glass to fart in.

If Tusk fails as a comedy, it fails twice as badly as a horror movie. Justin Long, possibly in some sort of meta-commentary on his negative public perception, stars as Wallace Bryton, the most grating, unredeemable, and plain cliche horror movie protagonist ever written Smodcasted. He insults locals and bashes their town, he says things like “Shut the front door” while speaking 20 decibels louder than those he is talking to, and he smugly brags about the money his podcast (HIS PODCAST!) generates in yearly ad revenue. He even cheats on his supermodel girlfriend with podcast groupies (PODCAST GROUPIES!!) because fuck it, why make him likeable in any way, shape, or form? Take every Friday the 13th, punk-ass teenager you’ve ever seen, add in a dose of hipster pretentiousness right down to the “throwback” pedostache, finish it off with a touch of Billy Zabka, and you’ve got Wallace Bryton.

Of course, it’s not like his girlfriend Ally (Genesis Rodriguez) is any more likeable. The scene in which she’s introduced, for instance, involves her giving Wallace what I can only assume would be a fantastic blowjob, then cutting him off halfway through it to talk about how he’s “changed.” He then belittles her for liking the old, nerdy Wallace, to which she nearly cries, shrugs, and then just goes right back to blowing him. WOMEN AND EMOTIONS AND STUFF, AMIRIGHT FELLAS? Oh, and have I mentioned that this movie wants you to believe that not only can a hot-shot podcaster with a pedostache score Genesis Rodriguez, but that Rodriguez would then cheat on him with present day Haley Joel Osment? A walrus suit made of human skin is one thing, but that is one liberty too many, Mr. Smith.

And I get it: Long’s character is supposed to be an asshole, and his ensuing torture is meant to serve as some sort of penance/punishment for the “monster” he’s become. What a profound and thrilling take on the horror genre, Mr. Smith! The only problem being that it replaces what empathy you should have for Wallace with apathy, especially when it comes to the relationship with his aforementioned smokeshow girlfriend, who is herself morally questionable at best, and the horrific torture he is put through.

Torture is usually a means through which absolution is achieved, otherwise it is just a means to the end that is sadism. While many a horror film have committed to the idea that we will identify and empathize with a character simply because they are in duress, Tusk reduces the idea of “torture porn” to its most banal, which is really saying something. The story is actually constructed like a pornographic film, for one; there’s a scene of torture, then a scene of “plot,” then a scene of torture, and etcetera etcetera until the whole thing just kind of ends. And like a porno, the film grows increasingly tiresome after blowing its wad on the reveal of Long’s walrus suit, which happens approximately 45 minutes in. Add in some full penetration, and Tusk would have been the best movie that Dennis Reynolds never made. Even Haley Joel Osment is there to reprise his role as new Mac.

But more than everything else that’s wrong with this movie, Tusk commits the most painful offense of all in being a goddamn BORE to sit through. I could watch Michael Parks give salty-eyed recounts of his oceanic adventures with Ernest Hemingway all day, but between Tusk‘s lack of actual jokes and its constant slog between half committed attempts at establishing a tone, it makes an hour and a half feel like an eternity. Even when Tusk is flashing back to earlier moments from the film during its second and third acts, if you can call them that, whole lines of dialogue are added to those flashbacks to make up for the film’s inability to tell the most basic of stories. As such, the B-plot wherein Osment and Rodriguez attempt to track down Long unfolds like a Law and Order episode as written by a kid on the autism spectrum.

Like Smith’s previous effort, Red State, Tusk is simply too noncommittal and scatterbrained to ever reel us into what could be a compelling (albeit ridiculous) premise. After boring us to tears with an excruciatingly dull, every-horror-movie-you’ve-ever-seen setup, it simply throws a guy in a walrus suit at us and expects us to ooh and ahh because its all so wacky!! Is that Johnny Depp in a fake nose playing a private investigator with a French accent? Ooh la-la, this will never get old!

Lazy and incompetent storytelling does not equate to an original filmmaking style, and even if it did, Robert Rodriguez would have clearly claimed his place as the frontrunner of that movement. If Tusk is a movie that only Kevin Smith could make, then he might be better off selling his soul to write 20 million dollar buddy cop movies.

]]>http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/review-tusk/feed/0Kevin Smith’s “Tusk” Trailer Gives Us Justin Long With a Pedostache, Haley Joel Osment, and a Human Walruspedehttp://www.screenjunkies.com/video/kevin-smiths-tusk-trailer-gives-us-justin-long-with-a-pedostache-haley-joel-osment-and-a-human-walruspede/
http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/kevin-smiths-tusk-trailer-gives-us-justin-long-with-a-pedostache-haley-joel-osment-and-a-human-walruspede/#commentsMon, 28 Jul 2014 17:24:33 +0000http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=263462"A man is captured by a maniac and tortured, physically and mentally, into becoming a walrus." If that doesn't scream BOX OFFICE GOLD, then everything I know about the current state of cinema is absolutely correct.

Upon retiring from Hollywood last year, Kevin Smith vowed that his days of directing throwaway efforts like Cop Out and Jersey Girl were gone for good. “I’m only ever gonna make a flick that only I would/could ever make,” said Smith, presumably before launching into his epic Superman Lives story for the umpteenth time and/or eating a burrito. His first “Post-Empire” effort (as Bret Easton Ellis might dub it) resulted in Red State, a scatterbrained horror/thriller that was a critical and commercial failure in almost every regard, but a firm kick in the balls of “the man” nonetheless.

At Comic-Con over the weekend, Smith released a trailer for his next independent effort, Tusk, which true to his word, is a movie that only he or maybe Tom Six could make. Why? Because Tusk is essentially The Human Centipede meets “I Am the Walrus,” starring Justin Long with a pedostache and Haley Joel f*cking Osment. The plot is as follows:

A man is captured by a maniac and tortured, physically and mentally, into becoming a walrus.

If that doesn’t scream “BOX OFFICE GOLD”, then everything I know about the current state of cinema is absolutely correct.

I’ll be honest, though, this trailer contains just the right amount of “What the Fuck?” to intrigue me, despite the fact that it’s operating under the belief that a podcast journalist with a pedostache can pull in trim like Genesis Rodriguez. Plus, the trailer had me at “Michael Parks as a creepy old Canadian.”

]]>http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/kevin-smiths-tusk-trailer-gives-us-justin-long-with-a-pedostache-haley-joel-osment-and-a-human-walruspede/feed/0tusk cropJustin Long Is Going To Murder His Best Manhttp://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/justin-long-is-going-to-murder-his-best-man/
http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/justin-long-is-going-to-murder-his-best-man/#commentsWed, 20 Apr 2011 16:01:53 +0000http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=207906In 'Lumpy', Tyler Labine will co-star as the life and death of the party.

]]>We’ve all been there. You’re at a wedding and everything is going great until the best man shits the bed while delivering his speech. Well, that’s what actually happens in Ted Koland’s independent film, Lumpy.

Justin Long will star as a groom whose best man, Lumpy (played by Chubby Wolverine himself, Tyler Labine), dies at his wedding. Long, with Jess Weixler, cancel their honeymoon to arrange a funeral for Lumpy, only to find that they didn’t know their friend as well as they thought they had. “Californication” actress Addison Timlin will also star. No word yet on how topless she’ll be. (Deadline)

Synopsis: Mary Surratt is the lone female charged as a co-conspirator in the assassination trial of Abraham Lincoln. As the whole nation turns against her, she is forced to rely on her reluctant lawyer to uncover the truth and save her life.

]]>http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/films/the-conspirator/feed/1the-consipirator-movie-stillMore Hot Actresses Agree To Work With Channing Tatumhttp://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/more-hot-actresses-agree-to-work-with-channing/
http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/more-hot-actresses-agree-to-work-with-channing/#commentsFri, 17 Dec 2010 19:06:44 +0000http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=12809Rosario Dawson and Lynn Collins both want to be a part of Channing's ten year high school reunion. The film's basically a modern day remake of The Big Chill, which means they'll be dancing to "Livin' La Vida Loca" on MP3 instead of "Heard It Through the Grapevine" on vinyl.

Rosario Dawson and Lynn Collins both want to be a part of Channing’s ten yea high school reunion. The film, aptly titled Ten Year, is basically a modern day remake of The Big Chill, which means they’ll be dancing to “Livin’ La Vida Loca” on MP3 instead of “Heard It Through the Grapevine” on vinyl. Dawson and Collins join an already varied and sexy cast including Kate Mara, Anna Faris, Justin Long, Chris Pine, and Mr. Tatum himself. I’d warn the ladies to watch their backs for Channing attacks if his wife, Jenna Dewan, wasn’t also in the cast. You know what. Go ahead and watch your backs anyway. He could bother you about Ikea directions or something. (THR)

Going the Distance is a romantic comedy with two very likable leads in the shape of Justin Long and Drew Barrymore, who find themselves going out for one lazy been there seen that before script.

The script by newcomer Geoff LaTuippe and direction by documentarian Nanette Burstein tries to give the film some edge by basing the movie's love fling in reality but gets caught up in the standard whining of most romantic comedies.
More after the jump...

The script by newcomer Geoff LaTuippe and direction by documentarian Nanette Burstein tries to give the film some edge by basing the movie’s love fling in reality but gets caught up in the standard whining of most romantic comedies.

More after the jump…

Long and Barrymore as New York/San Francisco long distance lovers Erin and Garrett create a chemistry that is easily found on screen with their inevitable meet cue moments. With most rom-coms, it takes an entire movie to convince an audience that these two particular actors would like each other. Look no further than this year’s She Out of My League or The Bounty Hunter on how to make a rom-comedy disaster.

Trying to help this script along are several comedic veterans Christina Applegate, Charile Day, Jason Sudeikis, Rob Riggle, and Jim Gaffigan playing the various friends and family members, who just hang around so they can throw out the right advice speech when needed and still add a dick or fart joke in to keep the R rating.

Keeping the movie at an R rating, it feels like a hybrid of Judd Apatow meets Nora Ephron at times. This works occasionally with the juxtaposition of Garrett’s friends giving him advice on top of Erin’s sisters and vice versa, but then stops and sets itself back to a 1 in creating any further comedic ideas other than that they are 3000 miles apart.

Going the Distance gives us characters that are nice and help the trip be more pleasant along the way, but once they reac the final destination, it’s nothing you haven’t seen before.

]]>http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-review/review-going-the-distance/feed/0Long, White Gay Marriage PSAhttp://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/long-white-gay-marriage-psa/
http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/long-white-gay-marriage-psa/#commentsWed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Justin Long and Mike White put together this amusing video in support of gay marriage. The message is simple: If you disagree with the homosexual lifestyle, why not overturn Prop 8 and make them get married, like the rest of us? Everyone deserves the right to be miserable and stuck in a monotonous blessed union. They also deserve the right to own a veiny penis surfboard. Check out the PSA after the jump.

Justin Long and Mike White put together this amusing video in support of gay marriage. The message is simple: If you disagree with the homosexual lifestyle, why not overturn Prop 8 and make them get married, like the rest of us? Everyone deserves the right to be miserable and stuck in a monotonous blessed union. They also deserve the right to own a veiny penis surfboard.

]]>http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/long-white-gay-marriage-psa/feed/3‘Going the Distance’ Trailer Stays In Its Comfort Zonehttp://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/going-the-distance-trailer-stays-in-its-comfort-zone/
http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/going-the-distance-trailer-stays-in-its-comfort-zone/#commentsWed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 The trailer for new rom-com Going the Distance looks at the trials and tribulations of a long distance relationship as Justin Long and Drew Barrymore try to make it work from spaced-out area codes. It takes a concept with potential and weaves in thin threads of triteness between scenes with "Always Sunny's" Charlie Day. The original script was on the Black List awhile back, but of course Hollywood execs replaced the dark tones and realistic characters with botched spray tan and inappropriate kitchen table sex set pieces. Justin Long delivers, as he usually seems to do, but I find myself wondering why his character puts so much effort into a long distance relationship with Drew Barrymore when Charlie Day is (inexplicably) his father. Live with dad forever, dude. No girl's going to keep you as entertained as he will, even if she does let you feel her up over her shirt. Check out the trailer after the jump. Going the Distance phones it in to theaters August 27, 2010.

The trailer for new rom-comGoing the Distance looks at the trials and tribulations of a long distance relationship as Justin Long and Drew Barrymore try to make it work from spaced-out area codes. It takes a concept with potential and weaves in thin threads of triteness between scenes with "Always Sunny’s" Charlie Day.

The original script was on the Black List awhile back, but of course Hollywood execs replaced the dark tones and realistic characters with botched spray tan and inappropriate kitchen table sex set pieces. Justin Long delivers, as he usually seems to do, but I find myself wondering why his character puts so much effort into a long distance relationship with Drew Barrymore when Charlie Day is (inexplicably) his father. Live with dad forever, dude. No girl’s going to keep you as entertained as he will, even if she does let you feel her up over her shirt.

Check out the trailer after the jump.Going the Distance phones it in to theaters August 27, 2010.

]]>http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/films/going-the-distance/feed/0Liam Neeson Jonesing For Dead Christina Ricci in ‘After.Life’ Trailerhttp://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/liam-neeson-jonesing-for-dead-christina-ricci-in-after-life-trailer/
http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/liam-neeson-jonesing-for-dead-christina-ricci-in-after-life-trailer/#commentsWed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 No one makes pale dead skin work quite like Christina Ricci. Then pop a red dress on her and you've got yourself a corpse not even Liam Neeson can resist. In After.Life, the Kraken-owning Neeson plays a mortician who communicates with the dead to help them transition to...wait for it...the afterlife. Justin Long is also running around like he usually does trying to figure out what's going on and how he can stop it with a few well-placed quips. Is she dead? Is she alive? Who sees her? Who doesn't? Why isn't Haley Joel Osment in anything anymore? Is it because puberty messed his face up? All of the answers in the After.Life trailer after the jump.

No one makes pale dead skin work quite like Christina Ricci. Then pop a red dress on her and you’ve got yourself a corpse not even Liam Neeson can resist. In After.Life, the Kraken-owning Neeson plays a mortician who communicates with the dead to help them transition to…wait for it…the afterlife. Justin Long is also running around like he usually does trying to figure out what’s going on and how he can stop it with a few well-placed quips. Is she dead? Is she alive? Who sees her? Who doesn’t? Why isn’t Haley Joel Osment in anything anymore? Is it because puberty messed his face up?

]]>http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/liam-neeson-jonesing-for-dead-christina-ricci-in-after-life-trailer/feed/0After.Lifehttp://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/films/after-life/
http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/films/after-life/#commentsWed, 03 Mar 2010 19:31:01 +0000Director: Agnieszka Wojtowicz-VoslooCast: Christina Ricci, Liam Neeson, Justin LongSynopsis: A young woman caught between life and death... and a funeral director who appears to have the gift of transitioning the dead, but might just be intent on burying her alive.

]]>http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/films/after-life/feed/0‘FUNNY PEOPLE’S GEORGE SIMMONS IN ‘RE-DO’http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/funny-peoples-george-simmons-in-re-do/
http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/funny-peoples-george-simmons-in-re-do/#commentsWed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000George Simmons in "Re-Do" from Justin LongThis clip from a movie inside a movie features Adam Sandler playing George Simmons as Craig the workaholic in the high-concept comedy Re-Do. In an effort to start over, a wizard turns Craig into a baby with an adult head. I don't know who this wizard is but I certainly hope he gets his wizard license revoked for such blatant and inexcusable wizard malpractice. I guess we'll never know since the film isn't really real. And just in case you're interested in purchasing the first season of 'Yo Teach' you can get it at the NBC Store. Today's Top Links:It Seems Erica Underwood Doesn't Like Wearing Her Bikini Top (GorillaMask)Flowchart for Giving a Best Man Speech (HolyTaco)Red Dawn Remake (Sigh) Picks Up Peck and Palicki (FilmDrunk)A Penguin-Shaped Wireless Mouse? Brilliant! (Walyou)Protestors Lobby To Fire David Letterman (Pajiba)Shady Agendas Behind Conspiracy Theories (Cracked)Tennis Star Or Porn Star? (CoedMagazine)Spending Some Time With "The Pitbull" (CagePotato)8-Bit Videogame Quilts (UnrealityMag)Happy 50th Birthday, Ultimate Warrior (BustedCoverage)15 Hot Prime Time Soap Opera Actresses (Uncoached)Mistakes Men Make In The Bedroom (RegretfulMorning)If US Sports Adopted The Transfer Fee System (BachelorGuy)Who's Leaking The Names On The MLB's "104" List? (MoondogSports)People Falling Down With The "Benny Hill" Theme Playing is Funny, Right? (NothingToxic)The Weirdest Japanese Videogames Ever (AtomFilms)Angelina Jolie Coming Back For Wanted 2? (Filmofilia)

This clip from a movie inside a movie features Adam Sandler playing George Simmons as Craig the workaholic in the high-concept comedy Re-Do. In an effort to start over, a wizard turns Craig into a baby with an adult head. I don’t know who this wizard is but I certainly hope he gets his wizard license revoked for such blatant and inexcusable wizard malpractice. I guess we’ll never know since the film isn’t really real.

And just in case you’re interested in purchasing the first season of ‘Yo Teach’ you can get it at the NBC Store.

Today’s Top Links:

It Seems Erica Underwood Doesn’t Like Wearing Her Bikini Top (GorillaMask)