Swirling (Big ‘Uns @ 2 O’Clock!)

I noted with quick satisfaction the arched left eyebrow of my daughter, and the clasped fingers of my wife. I knew them both like the palm of my hand; they were waiting to see my reaction to this. Would I stutter, shake, or, even worse, lick my lips?

Fret not, dear friends; this tale is being told by a Smoove Operator, First Class. One of the first things you learn in Smoove 101 is how to handle the Presence of Nubile Females in the Presence of Your Significant Other.

Rule: 1—Look Em’ In the Eye.

Rule: 2—Refer to Them as “Ma’am.”

In order to pass Smoove 101, you must master these two rules. Nothing, and I mean nothing is more distressing to a female than your inability to keep your eyes UP! I’m not sure why; seems like it would be an affirmation of the fact that she’s chosen a real man to converse with, but noooo, it’s not. One of those forever unsolvable mysteries, I suppose.

Anyhoo, I did. I looked that big-racked heifer in the eye, and said quizzically, “Ma’am?”

Well, my daughter relaxed a bit at that, her being a bit inexperienced and all, but you know my wife didn’t move a muscle. Not that I expected her to; I’ll give her props for that.

“Is that ersters you eatin’?” she repeated.

I merely nodded, and said, “Yes, Ma’am.” Rule #2 is there for a reason. Gives you the opportunity to let her know you’re not flirting, and gives you time to see where they’re coming from, if you get my drift.

“Is that true what they say about ersters?” she asked.

“Phhhht,” my wife said. I looked at her. She was asking for it, that’s for sure. But now wasn’t the time or the place. Besides, when we would discuss this later, I had to make certain that I held the high cards. Rookies, when you’re in this kind of situation, where a good-looking female is asking you questions in the presence of your Significant Other, you have two options…

One—Defer To Mate.

Response # 81B, Honey, What Do You Think? serves 2 purposes, namely, it takes you out of the conversation, and causes your mate to participate in her favorite activity, talking. Never forget Man Rule #2—Women Love To Talk. Remember, you can’t get in trouble for something she said. Well, yes, you can, but that’s another story.

Two—Shift to Lecture Mode.

This one is a bit tricky, and should not be attempted with any subject matter that can be construed as flirty or a double entendre, because guess what? You will be accused of being flirty, and every word will be taken as having a double meaning, and there is nothing you can say or do that will convince her otherwise. AND….This conversation will be played back to her girlfriends/mother/female relatives/etc/ad infinitum/ad nauseum, for the rest of your life. “This conversation” includes every facial expression, every lifted eyebrow, every pursed lip, every smile….

You get the idea.

So, what did I do?

I probably would have Deferred To Mate, but those two “Phhhhts” let me know that she would have said, “You know I don’t eat them, I really don’t know. You have to ask him,” causing me to squirt the hot sauce on her blouse, and the resulting, uh, conflict would not be good, not at all. You learn these things as you go.

So, I was stuck with Lecture Mode, which really wasn’t too difficult, just remember the basic rules: Eye-to-eye, begin every sentence with “Ma’am”, keep the sentences short. No smiling; an annoyed frown is the Default Expression. She’s not a pleasant interruption, she’s a bother to be quickly disposed of. Better rude than crude, got it?