“I must apologize to the residents of the Gulf Coast, whom I inadvertently offended with my comments. I did not mean to imply, even or a second, that the people of the Gulf Coast are ‘smaller’ than anyone else. Indeed, if our marketing department’s figures are accurate, approximately 60% of the population of the Gulf Coast is obese, in which case the destruction of the regional fishing and shrimping industries might be seen as a positive thing, for which they ought to be thanking us. [waits for applause]

Rather, what I meant was that they are ‘little’ in terms of importance, or significance, as human beings. They live sad, quiet little lives of ignorance and ugliness, bereft of value except to funnel money into our pockets in exchange for the fuel that enables their cars to take them to the local Taco Hut where they gorge themselves on rancid, disgusting animals which are fed grains fertilized with our petroleum. They pray to their car gods at Nascar events, where they piss away the paychecks I give them on tacky t-shirts and uninteresting beers. They contribute nothing to the world, and would surely be among the first people I would have destroyed should a culling of our species ever be necessary, though I should point out that I have not yet deemed that to be the case.

I should have known, given the pathologic, unwavering ignorance of those people, that my words would be misinterpreted, and seen as ‘fighting’ words’ by the toothless, inbred, sunburned morons who populate the region. These are people who are consistently tricked into voting against their own interests by political clowns sponsored by me who play against their fear of foreigners and undead baby-zombies to enable my industry to continue raping the land they own with minimal tax burdens, when those moneys might be used to build new schools, or replace an automobile-oriented transportation infrastructure with something less petroleum-dependent. These are the people who love Tim Tebow.

I hope that suffices to clarify my previous, clumsy statement. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go sponsor a sporting event to further distract these mindless ants.”