Surviving Rape in Iran's Prisons

50. Now when I think about that time and his words, I believe he was one of those people who had raped me before. For instance, he said that I had a beautiful body and that I was hot. I guess he was one of them. This incident happened exactly a week after the first rape.

51. He passionately expressed his love and affection for me and offered to change my cell, etc. I was dead frozen there in the corner of my cell. I could not move. I was twenty one years old. He said that he felt pity because I was young. He spoke very softly and passionately. I don’t know what happened to me. He touched my body but I pushed his hands away. He said that he knew me and was sad to see the pain my son and I were suffering in prison. He was friendly to my son. He touched him but I pushed his hand. He touched me and my son but I kept pushing his hands. Meanwhile, I thought I had enough time to shout and ask for help. I did

52. Then he said, “You are more naïve than I was imagining” and added that he had already vacated the ward. I realized that the ward was in fact silent. I couldn’t hear any sound. He had planned it in advance. I had naïvely thought that others had fallen asleep. He said that it was too late for me to save myself. I should give up. He said something like this that I can’t recall now: He said that I did not have any choice. He said that there was only him and me. I asked him to let me clean my son and use the rest room. He agreed and offered his help. He opened the door and took me out without a blindfold. I went to the restroom which was very small. He went and brought warm water. It was the first time I washed my son with warm water. He also brought a piece of cloth. I don’t know whether it was clean or dirty. Then again…he seemed scared and restless. He was in a hurry and kept saying, “Hurry up, hurry up. It’s getting late!” He did not mistreat me during the rape. It was purely a sexual act for him and he did it for his dirty pleasure. I don’t know what time it was or how long it took. My son was in my arm. He took my son and put him in a corner. I did not accept it. I held my son in my arm. He did his job and left.

53. He did it secretly from others. Other guards didn’t know about this. I don’t know how powerful he was. Apparently he was a senior guard who had the authority to send others somewhere else. When he brought me back from the restroom, all the doors were open and there was nobody in the cells. He said that he had tried hard to organize this one. He threatened that he would handcuff me if I resisted and advised me that I would be more in pain in that situation. He said that he would do it at any cost. Unfortunately, I couldn’t stop him. He was far stronger than me. He did it by force. The dirty man did not show up again.

54. After that, I felt guilty and despicable. I felt that the parts of my body that he had touched were cut by a knife. I wanted to cut every part of my body that he had touched. I was thinking those parts had become dirty. I felt guilty. I thought I was to be blamed because it was me who let him do it. Whenever I remembered that he was telling me to hurry up, I reprimanded myself for becoming weak. I was very angry and agitated. I thought it was me who let him do it. I did not have any way to escape him. At the beginning I thought he would bring milk for my son. When he didn’t return and didn’t bring anything, I felt very angry. I cursed myself.

55. Then I decided to commit suicide. I looked for something to kill first my son and then myself. I thought about the rapes a lot. The more I thought, the more I blamed myself and the more I suffered. This feeling still torments me.