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Monday, April 4, 2011

The Spawn of the Sociopath

"Spawn" is a terrible way to think of any precious child, but it is a good representation of how the sociopath looks upon the children he "brings into this world". (I can't bear to write "fathers" in reference to sociopaths.) Spawn usually refers to offspring in great numbers, and that is what the sociopath tends to produce since they are rarely if ever monogamous and they are incredible risk takers. They tend to sow their seeds everywhere they go.A recent comment left on this site stated:"Unfortunately I fell in love with a sociopath, and am now pregnant by him, only to realize he is married with 5 children, and is denying he's the father of my child. He lied about everything about himself, even went so far as to make up a story about his daughter dying. The man shed tears in my presence. Now I'm heartbroken, single, emotionally shattered, and wondering if I have the strength to terminate this pregnancy (I don't believe in abortion). I'm praying I don't have an incurable disease as a result of my interaction with him. My biggest fear is if I have this child, if it will turn out to be a sociopath, because sociopathy is highly genetic."My reply to her follows:

I'm so sorry to hear this. You have some difficult decisions ahead of you, but thankfully, you've taken that all important first step of recognizing him for what he is.

Yes, there is a chance that the child could inherit it, but there is also a chance that it might not. In our case, only one of our five got the unlucky genes.

I cannot imagine dealing with a conduct disordered child as a single parent though. My husband changed careers once our boy went south because I had to have the mental, spiritual and even physical support at home.

Please, please, please consider the adoption option. Adoptive parents know that just like birth parents, they are taking a chance on what issues the child may have. But they have waited and prayed and prepared for years to have a child and they are equipped to deal with what ever comes their way. More importantly, if you put the child up for adoption, the sociopath can never return to wreak havoc in his/her life. If you keep the baby, the sociopath is almost certain to never support it financially, and he can return at anytime and haunt both you and the child all your days.

The night our son was arrested, his girlfriend called to tell us and informed us in the same call that she was pregnant. Unfortunately she had already told him. She was a smart, educated girl and my advice to her was to adopt it out, but if not, to at least get him to sign away his rights rather than going for financial support. He'll never pay anyway.

I love, love, love children, but I would sacrifice my relationship with a grandchild anyday if it meant that the child would have a chance at life free of a sociopathic father with two people who are so very prepared and anxious to be parents.

As our son stood trial, the rumor mill spewed out different tales about the now ex-girlfriend. She was pregnant. She wasn't. She'd had a miscarriage. She hadn't. The other girls in "his harem" were mean and nasty about it and we distanced ourselves from all of it as much as we could. The girl had left the state and I suspect that she followed our advice. I pray for her and the child where ever they are and hope that they will remain free of our son's destructive influences.

Trust me when I say that the child will be used as a pawn in the sociopath's game of life. Our son has one child nearby and I've witnessed it repeated over and over in our grandchild's short life as contact with the child was used to try to control myself and others.

It breaks our hearts when this child talks about dad and how he's in prison, but even more, we dread the day our son will get out and return to this child's life. The child is a clone of him, and yet one time he claims the kid and the next time he is denying paternity and wanting us to get DNA testing done. We were there at the birth, we've been there for birthdays and Christmases and mom and dad going in and out of jail and prison. We will not deny this child nor be a part of our son doing so.

I will keep you and your health and the well-being of the child in my prayers. Remember that the most self-less, loving thing you can do is to give this child up. It would be the very hardest thing you would ever do, but you would bring incredible joy to not just the baby, but two parents, four grandparents and countless aunts, uncles and cousins in the new family that you would help create. God bless!

4 comments:

Thank you so much for your comment. I am the original poster, and ironically the day you sent this reply, April 4th, was the day my own single mother passed. I'm her only child. I'm overwhelmed with emotions, having just flown 2000 miles to be with my grandparents, plan the memorial, and make other arrangements. I am considering moving back here to take care of my grandparents and put distance behind my situation with the sociopath. In between the madness of my situation, and dealing with the grief of the loss of my mother, I've decided to terminate this pregnancy. Unlike you, I'm not very motherly. I cannot see myself sacrificing my life, my financial security, and my sanity for this sociopath's spawn. While I do not make this decision lightly (I'm very conflicted), I do not wish to bring a child into the world I would resent raising, and despite people's kind advice to give it up for adoption, most people are ill-informed. Giving the child up would require the father's consent, and given his nature, I highly doubt he would be amenable to anything I suggest. Furthermore, if he contested the adoption, a judge would give him sole custody and I would be required to pay child support. I will not have my child growing up under the influence of a sociopath. Thank you so much for your kind counsel, and although this is the hardest decision I have faced thus far, I know abortion is the best option for me. Hopefully soon, I can put this horrible experience behind me, rather than being linked genetically with this nightmare of a person for the rest of my life.

First off, I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. The Lord must have enormous faith in your ability to handle all of this at once. You already have so much else to deal with right now. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you.

We are told that while we are grieving, we should never make life-altering decisions, so I do hope you'll consider and re-consider things carefully and perhaps consult with your grandparents for advice. There are a lot of repercussions that hit women after an abortion, and compounded with your grief, I surely don't want that for you.

Because a lot of women will find themselves in your position, I will research what you told me and see if I can find any viable alternatives. Women who don't know who the father is can place a child for adoption, so there must be some loop hole out there that allows you the freedom to do right by this child and yourself.

Thank you for all of your support. April 19th, I went ahead with the termination, and while abortion is not something I take lightly, given my upbringing, and I am most certainly grieving and mourning both losses (especially since Mother's Day is coming up and I will be without a mother and I won't be one), I know I made the right decision for my life. I really want to thank you for your support and for this blog. It's a very sad reality to face, and I know these next few months will be difficult, but I am relieved I can move past my connection to this sociopath, rather than be stuck with him for the next 18 years. I just watched The Bad Seed today, (my mom and i used to watch it together), and I truly feel for anyone who has a child that's a sociopath, and I'm again reminded that I made the right choice, no matter how much it hurts inside. Maybe I'm a sociopath too, because I don't regret having an abortion, even though I don't advocate it. It's not a choice any woman should have to make.

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