Hello everyone, and welcome back to my continuing countdown of some of the worst jobs that fiction has to offer (or real world jobs that fiction has made horrifying). Already we have discussed the perils felt by fictional Local Law Enforcement (# 5), fictional School Administrators (# 4), and Stephen King Monsters (# 3), but today we move on to a job that many a kid would probably kill for, even though they really shouldn't... (and also, be sure to visit my wife's countdown on the same subject, visible here.)

HELP WANTED: Are you an orphan with a grudge, or perhaps an underaged boy or girl (preferably boy) with poor impulse control who wouldn't mind becoming an orphan in the near future? Are you interested in a career that involves little to no sleep while attempting to capture some of the scariest and most dangerous criminals known to man? Would you like to wear short shorts and occasionally share a bed with a perennial bachelor with known, serious psychological problems?

Tell me, old chum, do you like gladiator movies?

Would you like to live in what is arguably the worst city on Earth and face death every waking moment of your life? Well then, consider a career as Robin!

Warning: Your exploits may be adapted into a Joel Schumacher film.

PROS: You get to work with Batman, widely regarded as the most awesome man on the planet (according to the internet).

Sometimes referred to as "The Goddamn Batman".

CONS: You have to work with Batman, a violent vigilante with obsessive tendencies and dangerous mood swings whose whims are often shaped by the times and the dark, repulsive underbelly of Gotham City, widely regarded as one of the worst cities on the planet.

Not pictured: A great place to raise kids.

Many young people have filled the role of Robin over the decades, and almost all of them were taken in as the ward of Bruce Wayne. He takes in emotionally damaged, if exceptionally skilled, young people (most of them nubile, teenaged boys with near identical physical features, which is not disturbing in the slightest) and trains them into living weapons with which to fight crime. Sure, there are occasional mentions of them going to school, but given the regular indoctrination speeches defending his lifestyle he gives and the violent training he puts every Robin through, this comes across more as him brainwashing damaged young people into following in his footsteps. As most of them are lacking a strong male role model in their lives, they are generally all too eager to follow this crimefighting lunatic.

Just another night in the batcave.

And let's consider the danger that this job entails. In addition to regularly being forced to track down and capture regular gun and knife toting criminals, Robin's duties often entail taking down some of Arkham Asylum's finest inmates, including but not limited to schizophrenic terrorist clowns, mutant cannibals and self-mutilating serial killers.

To most people, Mr. Zsasz would be an episode of America's Most Wanted. To Robin, he is Thursday night's homework.

The dangers of this job to Robin and everyone around him cannot be overstated. While Dick Grayson was famously an orphan when adopted as the first Robin, more Robins would follow who still had living parents, and almost all of them would be lost over time due to their child's job as Robin. Tim Drake, Stephanie Brown and Damien Wayne would all lose fathers, while Jason Todd would lose his mother. This, of course, is not ignoring the fact that two Robins (Jason Todd and Damien Wayne) have died in the line of duty.

Well. Time to find a new Robin!

Finally, I'd like to address the elephant in the room:

This is not.

A man.

You want working with children.

Methinks Wayne Manor needs a visit from a social worker.

So, do you think you could survive being Robin? What is your favorite worst fictional job? Sound off in the comments! And as always, please drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter! I'm big into liking/following back!

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Author

Matt Carter is an author of Horror, Sci-Fi, and yes even a little bit of Young Adult fiction. Along with his wife, F.J.R. Titchenell, he is represented by Fran Black of Literary Counsel and lives in the usually sunny town of San Gabriel, CA.