Hardly Working / Pee On Your Butt

Script

Hardly Working: Pee On Your Butt

By CH Writing Staff

INT. BATHROOM - THE DARK OF NIGHT
MURPH walks up to the urinal and starts goin pee-pee.
OMINOUS MUSIC SWELLS as a faceless, black-robed CREEP rises
behind him.
MURPH
(looking over his shoulder)
Uh, yo DUDE, there's an empty
urinal right next to you. No need
to stand behind me like a weirdo.
The creep talks with a deep voice, like Buffalo Bill.
CREEP
(menacing)
Don't fucking turn around.
MURPH
Oh my god. Look man. I-I have
thirty dollars in my wallet-
CREEP
I don't want your money.
MURPH
Wh-what do you want?
The sound of PEE hitting the back of Murph's jeans. HE
can't really turn around because he's still going.
MURPH
Hey. Hey! What are you doing?!
Stop!
The MUSIC gets more INTENSE as the creep leans in.
CREEP
Let me get something through your
fucking head. Every time you og to
the bathroom, I'm gonna pee on your
butt.
A panicked Murph zips up and turns around. The man is GONE.
INT. OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
The back of MURPH'S JEANS are WET. He looks totally
shaken. He sits at his desk.
JENNY
Murph. Are you okay?
MURPH
I'm fine.
JENNY
Jesus. You're shaking.
MURPH
YEAH, IAM, and hwy ond't you mind
your own GODDAMN BUSINESS!
LATER
Murph looks at the clock, whimpering. Several minutes have
passed. His beer is EMPTY, and he has to go again.
INT. BATHROOM
Murph cautiously kicks open the stall doors, one after
another until he opens the door on DAN who is taking a shit.
DAN
WHOA! MURPH! POOPING! CLOSE!
Murph closes the door and breathes a sigh of relief. He
approaches the urinal and starts peeing. He sighs.
CREEP (OC)
You came back for more, have you?
MURPH
No, no, no! Not you again!
CREEP
You've come to have you but pped on
have you? Well, luck you. I'm
going to pee on your butt.
MURPH
Fuck, dude, please don't! These
are designer jeans, okay?! Paper.
Fucking. Denim! Please don't!
CREEP
Please don't what?
MURPH
Please don't...
CREEP
Say it.
MURPH
PLEASE don't pee on my BUTT!
Please don't pee on my butt, sir!
BEAT. Maybe he won't?
Nah. The creep starts peeing anyway, laughing maniacally.
Murph SCREAMS!
WIDE of bathroom. Murph is all alone, talking to himself.
MURPH
Please don't pee on my butt!
Please don't pee on my butt!
Please don't pee on my butt!
EMILY puts her hand on his shoulder. Murph swings around.
EMILY
Murph, are you okay?
MURPH
(flustered)
There's this guy. And he was in
here before. And he peed on my
butt. And I told him to stop.
And- wait, waht are you doing in
the men's bathroom?
Emily looks guilty... a STING of SCARY MUSIC plays, then
cuts ou as soon as Dan steps into frame.
DAN
Hey! Sorry, me again. I called
her here. I have Emily pick me up
after I make poops.
EMILY
Just makes him feel better.
Dan and Emily hug.
INT. OFFICE - LATER
A CROWD of WRITERS gather near Murph's desk.
PAT
Okay guys, gather around! The
first one to drink ALL this water
wins a thousand dollars!
Murph sighs. He has to do it.
INT. BATHROOM
Murph is at the urinal. He takes a deep breath.
CREEP's MUSIC plays as creep appears behind Murph. We know
what's about to happen.
MURPH
No need to say it, sir. I know
you're gonna pee on my butt.
EXTREME CLOSE UP on Murph's intense expression. Payback.
MURPH
But I'm gonna piss on your dick.
Murph turns around and faces the creep, who is completely
bewildered.
They each stand there for a beat, facing one antoher. We
hear only the sound of them peeing on each other.
Then: A WHOOSH of light, and an EXPLOSION. The creep
screams: "NOOoOOOoooOO!" and disappears into thin air.
VICTORY MUSIC! Murph laughs until he cries tears of joy.
INT. OFFICE - SECONDS LATER
Murph takes a seat at his desk, looking confident.
JENNY
Murph, are you okay?
We see Murph, full-body. He's DRENCHED in piss.
MURPH
(big genuine smile)
Jenny? I'm great. And thanks for
asking.
CHEERY END-OF-MOVIE music plays before it transitions to
SCARY again as
Emily gets a PHONECALL. She picks up.
EMILY
Hey, Dan. Need me to pick you up?