Like lots of you perhaps, I’m watching bits of the Olympics, and it’s interesting to watch how the same basic narratives are played over and over in an attempt to add drama to the sports. Fundamentally, the Olympics is about world-class athletes competing with one another, so of course they’re all going to be dedicated, and the pride of their country.

But what if…THERE WAS MORE TO THE STORY???

better olympic narratives • the last practitioner of a dying sport • in the olympics by mistake • possibly replaced by a bear in a costume

I got to thinking about how dispiriting it must be to be a principled Republican right now, forced to choose between a candidate you can’t comprehend supporting (Clinton) and a candidate who is a total sleazebag maniac.

And I think people who support Clinton might just have easily been the target of Trump (or someone like him) ginning us up and telling us whatever we wanted to hear. We are not so smart that we would never possibly fall for it, and we would happily rationalize away all their flaws.

And I marvel about the place we’re in as a nation where Clinton is so hated that she could even lose to TRUMP, I mean c’mon, and also Trump is such a trashfire that he might even lose to CLINTON, hated as she is.

So I wrote a news report from an alternate universe where Trump decided he wanted to be a Democrat instead, and principled liberals were faced with the choice of either buying into his sales pitch despite his manifest terribleness; or voting against him, which would mean reconciling themselves to the prospect of voting for someone they loathed — his opponent, Dick Cheney.

Now, I think Democrats had something like a promise-the-moon candidate in Sanders, and clearly that didn’t work out. I’d also like to think that Democrats would be less accepting of abhorrent personal behavior than Trump’s ardent supporters seem to be.

The point of this piece isn’t quite “Trump could have fooled Democrats instead, had he chosen to.” The point is to try and give Hillary supporters a visceral way to feel what many conservatives are feeling right now:

“Imagine what it must be like to have to choose between someone your party canonically hates, and Donald Trump.”

He is a candidate so dry that flights of wit can become indistinguishable from a sober default setting…

Those who defend his comedic instincts are compelled to hedge, contrasting Mr. Bush with his brother George, a wisecracking extrovert.

“Jeb appreciates humor,” Jim Towey, a close friend who served in the administration of George W. Bush, said diplomatically.

“It depends on your definition,” said Mac Stipanovich, a friend and former adviser, when asked if Mr. Bush was funny.

“It’s very droll,” Mike Harrell, a longtime golfing partner and Tallahassee lobbyist, said of Mr. Bush’s sense of humor. “He looks at you like he just told you his mother is dead.”

I, too, am drawn to deadpan. Sometimes that impulse makes it extra difficult to seem, or even to be, sincere. Earnestness can seem boring; it’s more fun to comment or riff on something, rather than respond straightforwardly.

So I know the struggle, Jeb!. You’re a dork, but unlike the other dorks running for president, you tried to embrace it, instead of papering it over with meanness or self-righteousness. Sorry it didn’t work out for you.

A few weeks ago, I signed up for all the candidates’ email lists. The thing that stood out immediately about the fundraising emails coming from the Jeb! camp in particular was their unique tactic of attempting to guilt the recipient into feeling bad for not contributing to the campaign.

In honor of this week’s Jebxit!, I composed a poem, using only phrases from Jeb!’s own fundraising emails.

UNRELATED KICKSTARTER UPDATE: Things are going super great!! Lots of people are ordering the new sets of Multi-Purpose Cards. For a while I had been afraid that if we got too successful, I’d run into certain supply problems, but I’ve spoken with the relevant parties and have been assured that it won’t be an issue. Which is good news!! It means NOTHING CAN EVER GO WRONG.