Have you ever heard of the character Echo, the lovely wood nymph, in the ancient Greek love tragedy of Echo and Narcissus? We all know very well the fate of Narcissus. He fell in love with his own image in a pool of water right? But what about Echo who fell so deeply in love with Narcissus she disappeared? She must have been his perfect counterpart more than just a mere echo of a voice. I believe she is a much more important character in the story than we have been led to believe. Like all of us who have suffered through relationships with Narcissists, it is time we tell our version of the story. I would like to share mine with you and tell you unlike Echo in the myth I got my voice back.

Rule #4 Never Question My Own Sanity

This is a most important rule for me to remember when an N is having a meltdown. For this rule to be applied, means I had to develop some awareness of the fact that the N does not think like me, wants to control the situation and get me to only believe their version of events. I must have compassion for myself, so that I don’t get sucked in. I am focused and taking care of my feelings first.I am holding to my belief that I am not on the planet to spend a lot of energy figuring out someone else’s stuff.

When N’s have meltdowns it is called narcissistic rage due to a narcissistic injury. Narcissistic rage is triggered by some perceived threat usually an insult or criticism that causes an injury. A typical N will react to any perceived threat in an out of control manner. They always assume the other person has hostile intention.

When people are angry, it is usually better to wait and talk when everyone has calmed down.The difference with an N is that to go through a discussion about the meltdown, argument or their bad behavior even if everybody has calmed down will result in the non-N questioning their sanity.

Gaslighting (a term for the psychological means of getting a person to question their own sanity) is a powerful method used by the N. This is a popular tool in the N toolbox. The way my N typically gaslighted was by withholding information, changing the subject, and denying something ever happened. What caused me the most confusion was the gaslighting combined with saying something to cut me down like ‘You are really selfish to think like that.’ or ‘You yelled at me and are always on me’ and ‘I don’t have a moment to breathe because you are so needy’ or ‘You have a problem with your temper.’ All of those statements have a grain of truth some bigger grains than others, so I would look at my own behavior and then blame myself for whatever happened.

Maintaining this rule prevents me from getting into discussions where I defend myself or believe what the N wants me to think about myself. It is preferable to avoid discussions or lectures with an N anyway, but if I am in an unfortunate situation of having a discussion with an N, I keep my sentences short and to the point with no emotion. For example “You can have your feelings. It is ok. I do not agree with your version of reality. I have a different one.” Then end the discussion and walk away or keep repeating the above statements to them no matter what they say. Now the statement I use above can increase rage and confrontation, so it is better to walk away fast. If I cannot walk away then it is better to say something like “It is ok to have your feelings. Yes I hear you.” The N wants to be perceived as perfect, so they can feel safe again. Anything other than calmly agreeing with them will usually incite more rage.

It is a waste of time to discuss emotions with an N. They will not hear you because for them it is all about power and control, so discussions about another person’s feelings, wants, opinions, and thoughts are perceived as a threat to them. It is all about the N. Also, they will interpret any question regarding their own behavior as criticism and will act out defensively until they feel safe and in control.