Author
Topic: Mom's opinions on my social life (Read 4475 times)

My mother has been lecturing me about going out with my own friends with my BF, but lately this has come up whenever we meet "Ellen," my oldest and dearest friend.

Just to clarify, I'm not dragging him along to Girls night out, it's just the two of us meeting "Ellen" for dinner - and I got lectured even when it was Ellen who invited both of us! (According to my mother, I shouldn't have told Ellen I'd ask BF about his work schedule and call her back, I should have made plans with her right there and then and if BF couldn't make it, too bad).

This week we're going to see Ellen again: it's not exactly a social call, we need her advice on Important Topic I Don't Want to Discuss with Mom Yet (Importat Topic for short).

Today I stopped at home to grab some clothes and ended up asking mother's advice about the bag I chose: when I said we're having dinner with Ellen, she immediately wanted to know whether BF is coming. Stupidly, I said he is, which immediately started her on her lecture/rant again. I stopped her in her tracks by telling her that we both need to talk to Ellen, which was a mistake because now she wanted to know why: at first I replied not-too-gently that it was our business, then I lied and said we're thinking about organizing a sort trip somewhere together. Mom snarkily asked if Ellen and I couldn't manage alone, I said that no, we couldn't and mercifully this was the end of the conversation.

I've thought that next time I should just ask her why she wants to know, but that's likely to end with her calling me out on my defensiveness or telling me I'm being rude and she was just curious...

Now that I think about it, she has done the lecture/rant thing before, specifically about what I'm doing/should do in my relationship with Dear Boyfriend. I pointed out that it was between BF and me, things worked fine for us and it was none of her business - again, I had to put my point rather forcefully. Perhaps that's why now it's Same Thing, Different Topic...

Needless to say, in both cases her lectures/rants are neither appreciated nor wanted. Any advice on how to handle this?

My first reaction was that she doesn't like your BF. Probably that's just me.

How old are you? Cause if you are an adult say 18+ you have every right to tell her that it's your business and then refuse to discuss it. But you have to actually refuse to discuss it, and then not discuss it. Right now, you are letting her know it's sensitive, and then giving her what she wants, you're discussing it. And why exactly are you sticking around to listen to her lectures and rants. If you can walk away, you probably should.

If you're younger, that is more difficult.

ETA: Very often I've found that the reason she's calling you on defensiveness is because she just wants to have her say. Not because she wants a particular outcome.

As for BF, I realize it might sound like that, but they do like him: they often say he's like a son to them and we have been dating for 5 years, so it's not a new thing. Thinking back on both type of lectures, they seem to concentrate on what I was/am doing wrong and what I should do differently.

I think your mom has experienced being the friend who got pushed to the back after a friend started a new relationship. Or at sometime maybe she lost some friends because she didn't try to maintain her friendships separately from a boyfriend.

Ask her "Mom, why is this so important to you?" Or be more direct "Mom, I'm 25, I don't need to be lectured on my relationships."

I think your mom has experienced being the friend who got pushed to the back after a friend started a new relationship. Or at sometime maybe she lost some friends because she didn't try to maintain her friendships separately from a boyfriend.

That's my guess too. I've had friends get boyfriends who are suddenly invited everywhere even when I just want to see my friend...so she may be coming at it from that perspective, not understanding that your friend Ellen is happy to see your boyfriend and invites him.

If you don't like discussing it with your mother, why bring it up at all? She doesn't need to know who you're spending time with or what your plans are.

In my opinion, this is none of your mother's business, and there is no reason for her to know that much about your social life. You cannot stop her from having an opinion, but you can make it clear that her opinion does not matter to you and you can limit situations in which she is even casually aware of your social life.

I think your mom has experienced being the friend who got pushed to the back after a friend started a new relationship. Or at sometime maybe she lost some friends because she didn't try to maintain her friendships separately from a boyfriend.

That's my guess too. I've had friends get boyfriends who are suddenly invited everywhere even when I just want to see my friend...so she may be coming at it from that perspective, not understanding that your friend Ellen is happy to see your boyfriend and invites him.

If you don't like discussing it with your mother, why bring it up at all? She doesn't need to know who you're spending time with or what your plans are.

My guess as well.

OP -- Have you asked your mom why she's taking this tack with you? Perhaps if she fesses up to a reason like the one above, you can assuage her fears and have a useful conversation.

In my opinion, this is none of your mother's business, and there is no reason for her to know that much about your social life. You cannot stop her from having an opinion, but you can make it clear that her opinion does not matter to you and you can limit situations in which she is even casually aware of your social life.

Bingo!

Logged

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

I agree that your best bet is to not bring it up. (I'm not sure whether you still live at home or not.) However, if it slips out, don't get sucked in. Instead of getting defensive when she asks whether your boyfriend is coming along, say, "Of course he is. Ellen invited him."

I also like the idea of asking your mom directly why she's so worried about this. You're in a long-term relationship, so it's reasonable for you and your boyfriend to sometimes socialize as a unit. It could be that she's worried that your relationship is too serious, or that you are neglecting your friends for your boyfriend. (Maybe one of them has mentioned to her that they missed having you to herself or something.)

I agree that I think your mum has 'lost' friends in the past when they have stopped socialising without their partners. Not being part of the actual dynamic she doesn't understand that Ellen wants to see you both.

As an aside (and perhaps this is moot as you may already do so), please do make the effort to see Ellen alone. While socialising with hr and your BF is lovely, especially when you all get along well, it does change the dynamic that when 2 girlfriends just catch up together. Make sure to do both

If you already do so, perhaps assuring your mum that you do still catch up with her separately which is why when Ellen expressly invited BF, you make the effort to ensure he can go - that they are friends too.