Shorts / The Student Film Awards

Script

The Student Film Awards

By Emily Axford & Dan Gurewitch

NARRATOR
The 11th annual Student Film Awards
aired last night, dishing up its
fair share of surprises and upsets.
MONTAGE: Footage from the Student Film Awards. Red carpets,
camera flashes, crane shots of applause, dancers, intimate
shots of people laughing, etc. Everyone is college-aged.
NARRATOR
The big winner of the night was the
teenage drama Life in the Key of
"A" Minor, which took home four
awards, including "Best Painted
Airsoft Gun," "Best Shot From
Inside a Refrigerator," and "Most
Unrealistic Drug Overdose."
QUICK CLIPS from a poorly shot student film: the film's
title; an obviously painted plastic gun with a hint of
orange remaining, a shot from inside a fridge; a teen having
an absurdly spastic drug overdose (w/ too much mouth foam).
ON STAGE, 19-year-old GABE CHANNING waves/accepts an award.
NARRATOR
Gabe Channing rocketed to the
A-List when he won "Most Breathing
By A Dead Person."
CLIP: Gabe lies dead on the floor. He has an unrealistic
blood pattern on his face. We see legs next to him.
ACTOR (O.S.)
Shut the fuck up, or I'll kill you
like I killed him!
Gabe's chest NOTICEABLY RISES & FALLS. He briefly opens one
eye, then quickly closes it.
NARRATOR
But the award for "Best Accidental
Look Directly Into the Camera" went
to newcomer Libby Gottlieb.
CLIP: Libby Gottleib delivering a dramatic line; halfway
through, she looks directly into the lens.
LIBBY
My parents' divorce shattered my
belief in love, Hamish!
NARRATOR
Lynn Beacher's film The
Ever-Ticking Hourglass stole the
award for "Most Obvious Metaphors"
with a powerful trifecta: a flower
representing innocence, rain
representing forgiveness, and a
soundtrack consisting entirely of a
caged bird singing.
CLIPS from the aforementioned film: a CU of a woman holding
a wilting flower during sex; a woman getting rained on.
NARRATOR
Jason Sandclaw took home "Best Old
Man Found On Craigslist"...
CUT TO an OLDER MAN weakly waving from the audience.
NARRATOR
...and Jessica Morrow won "Most
Condescending Documentary About The
Local Homeless Person."
Valley girl JESSICA accepts her award:
JESSICA
I just think, everyone has a story
to tell. Even gross people.
NARRATOR
The award for "Hands Deepest in the
Pockets of a Hoodie" was hotly
contested, but in the end the
Academy gave it to Late for Class.
CLIPS from three movies: a disgruntled teenager hunched over
with hands in hoodie pockets; another similar teen; a third
teen with hands in pockets modified to be ABSURDLY DEEP.
NARRATOR
Let There Be Us shocked everyone,
snatching up both "Sex Scene Most
Obviously Directed By A Virgin..."
CLIP: Two people stand-up, hugging and kissing and bouncing
up and down awkwardly, with forced "Oh"s and "Yes"s.
NARRATOR
...and "Most Sassiness Forced On A
Black Person."
ANOTHER CLIP: A black actress does a "Z"-snap, over-the-top:
ACTRESS
"Girl, you KNOW he trippin'!"
CUT TO same actress's acceptance speech, utterly un-sassy:
ACTRESS
Thank you so very much.
A shot of 20-year-old filmmaker KEVIN SPACER in the crowd.
NARRATOR
After he won last year for "Least
Number of Extras That Showed Up For
A Party Scene," all eyes were on
Kevin Spacer.
CLIP: Four extras mime dancing, alone in a large room.
NARRATOR
This year, he walked away with
"Best Un-lit Cigarette" and "Best
Makeout Scene With A Girl That's
Clearly Hotter Than Him."
CLIP: Kevin stands with a HOT ACTRESS, TEARS on his cheek.
He inhales from a cigarette, then exhales: NO SMOKE LEAVES
HIS MOUTH.
KEVIN
Taste my pain, beautiful.
She kisses him.
NARRATOR
The evening took a turn for the
emotional, with a heartfelt tribute
to Bertrand Peffercorn...
CUT TO Ken Burns style moving photographs of a student.
NARRATOR
...who's parents made him switch
his major to Pre-Law. Perhaps the
biggest upset of the evening was
the award for "Best Background
Hiss," which went to Daisy Thomas
for her film Heart in a Blender.
CUT TO clip. GUY and GIRL have a morose conversation in OTS
shots; whenever GIRL speaks, there's a LOUD AUDIO HISS.
GUY
You put me through it.
GIRL
What did I put you through?
GUY
Hell, of course.
GIRL
Maybe you put yourself through
hell.
GUY
(CAR ALARM in b/g)
We are all in hell.
AUDIENCE FOOTAGE: The above girl and guy smile, winners.
NARRATOR
It also won the ceremony's newest
award, "Least Justified Use of the
word N[bleep]er."
Beat.
NARRATOR
And, of course, the most coveted
prize of the night was "Most
Parents' Money Wasted." And that
award went to... everyone.
Twenty filmmakers on stage smile and hold up their trophies.
END.