Learning To Be Single

Of all the times I could be single, I think now is the best time for me to be. As some of you know, I recently moved to New Hampshire. I’ve fallen in love with the scenery, and even though I am not a huge fan of people, I think it has been a change I needed. I always hated being single, I hated being alone, I liked sharing a connection, but every time I have been in a relationship I have lost myself in it. I could never find the anchor to draw myself back. I always changed or put up with things I would never usually do.
I remember talking to my friend, and she told me it was weird I had even gotten into a relationship. She said, I was always so sure of myself, and so independent that I didn’t need anyone. I think that’s part of the reason I had to leave, I stopped being independent, I stopped doing the things I love because it didn’t fit into my daily life inside of the relationship. I was worried about being gone for too long; I felt guilty for needing to go to the gym after work instead of watching TV. Stupid little things like that, I stopped doing because when I did the things I liked, I wasn’t able to spend “quality” time with the one I loved.
Don’t get me wrong I had one fantastic relationship and one horrible one. Both times I lost myself. Now I realize I shouldn’t have given up the things I love doing. I like watching TV and reading my book, I want to spend two hours at the gym, and I like shopping till I drop. Why should I have to give those things up, or feel guilty? I understand a budget now, and I know technically it’s terrible to shop till I drop, but why did I give up my favorite monthly makeup box. OH! Boxycharm how I miss you, now I can’t even get you back because I am on the waitlist. All those trivial things eventually add up and weigh you down.
If I could go back I would set boundaries, I would stay true to myself and who I am. But I can’t do that, so now I am embracing who I am single.
I am:
1. Someone who cares more about my family than myself
2. Entirely in love with subscription boxes, because I can shop without leaving my house
3. Someone who has an Amazon shopping problem
4. Caring and passionate about the things I love
5. Someone who works out for an hour every day (and shouldn’t have stopped)
6. A private person and people who like me should accept this
7. Super shy till you get to know me
8. Not a party person despite what some people think
9. A person who loves Pinterest and Instagram (where I get all my fun ideas)
10. Someone who is funny, and likes to joke around
11. A person who loves animals more than people
12. Someone who will have a few friends, all who I call my best friends and some will be guys
13. A person who shouldn’t feel guilty for the things I love
I don’t think relationships are wrong; I think they are fantastic growing experiences. I loved almost every single minute of my last relationship, but now that I am not in it I can see why I was unhappy at times. My only goal in life right now is to finish school, not work myself to death, and be the person I was meant to be. If I had set boundaries, and not have been so worried about going out or doing things I love, my relationships could have ended differently. That’s something we learn over time that I wish I had discovered sooner, but that’s part of growing up. You don’t ever realize these things at the moment, only after the fact. We aren’t perfect, I’m not perfect, but I could have set up my relationships differently, and it would have been easier for me.

Hello. Nice to meet you! Thanks so much for visiting my blog. I was curious about you so here I am in your space. From reading you, I get you are a very generous, direct and honest person. I like that. I wish you well in your endeavors. It seems to me that you are on the right path. Looking forward to reading your posts and to get to know you better. Speak to you soon. -Dominique

Agreed! It is very easy to lay to ourself. Why? My guess is that sometimes the truth seems just too harsh to handle. But once we let go of our fear and do meaningful actions in order to reach our goals it feels like a warm blanket that serves like a shield. Hope that makes sense. You definitely had the courage to face your fear and take control of your life. You should be very proud of yourself. I am glad you shared your story with us as it is one positive exemple of courage.

I really enjoyed reading this and i totally agree, relationships are growing experiences i have honestly grown and changed so much because of my relationship and in a positive way! Its great to see that you realised that you were losing yourself and your sense of independence and stepped back as not a lot of people are actually able to do that. xx

Thanks for stopping by my blog and liking my post on Fitness funnies. It sounds like you are young and have a lot to learn. I am an old guy, so I will pass this along. Regarding yourself and relationships, I think you are on the right track. Until you can be totally happy being being alone, you will never be able to have a solid lasting relationship. Don’t change when you enter a relationship. Growing as a person is excellent, but don’t give up who you are because you think it will keep the other person interested. Best of luck!

Hi! I totally agree with the comment above and your statement about not “losing” yourself in a relationship. It’s so important to respect each other and give each other “space” to do the things we need to be happy on our own as well as together. (This comes from a person who’s been married for decades. 🙂 )

I’ve always had this problem, where I want to make my partner the happiest they can be. So I end up giving up things I love, like boxycharm, or Instagram, and these things are small, so I never thought they would matter, and it turns out they do matter. I am learning I don’t have to give up those things, I can be exactly who I am.

I’m really loving your article, and the way you think about these things. Relationships can be amazing or just amazingly appalling- and I think a great relationship will help you both become the persons you’re meant to be, it should never hinder your evolution.

Thank you! I 100% agree, I should never have stopped becoming the person I was meant to be. If I could go back I would set boundaries, and that could have helped both of us succeed in the relationship.

Doing the single thing myself. I don’t think I’ve been single over a year since my early twenties and hope to change that this time. I have a bad habit of breaking up with everyone and maybe I’m just a gypsy at heart, who knows. If that is the case going to enjoy it to the fullest without the heartache 🙂 I wish you well on your single adventures.

I can relate on so many levels! For one, I too am not a party girl and I do love animals more than people 😉 For two, I too have always been independent, not needing anyone and yet when I got into a relationship I started losing myself – even in the very last one.. I couldn’t understand why, after all i’ve been through and what I’ve been preaching I couldn’t make a sense of it. Yet, there has been a relationship before the last one, where I wasn’t losing myself but where I flourished. Where I only grew. And I can understand now that the difference was that the guy simply was the right one. Unfortunately… the Universe doesn’t seem to agree. Anyway, great read I can’t wait to read more of your blogs, I really feel like we connect in so many ways 🙂 xx

Thank you so much for stopping by, reading and sharing with me! I will find someone one day where I can flourish and be me. I have to work on myself for a little while first. I have to find me, I know I have flaws and some of my relationships didn’t work because of my flaws, but I need to learn them, and find myself.

Yes! I agree hundred percent – we really need to spend some time alone to truly realize and understand who we are. Only then we can make sensible choices as far as relationships are concerned… or at least better ones if not entirely sensible 😉xx

Absolutely set your boundaries and keep doing the things you love. I have been engaged to be married 6 times married twice and divorced twice. I love my home, my independence and the fact that with my partner – who I do not live with presently – we have so many differences and our likes are not all the same, but when I have amazing good news or events happening in my life – he is amongst the first group of friends I want to share those moments with. I have learnt that promises or locking down a relationship contract does not guarantee happy together – I have learnt to love myself first everyday and when I am not feeling so great to search inside before I venture out into my world. Some days I prefer to be alone with my writing – especially when I am writing fiction and creating imaginary worlds. You have a beautiful soul coming through your writing – keep doing exactly what you are doing. Thank you too for following my blog X

Such good insights…and HOLY COW, YOU’RE ME, ha ha! So many of things you said ring true for me as well, so I understand some of how you feel. Good for you having these realizations about yourself at such an early age. I’m 57 and STILL learning these things…most of all, putting myself FIRST.

I’ve unfortunately (or fortunately) known so many great female friends that have completely abandoned our friendship when they’ve started dating. It is almost as if your friends are the hobby till you find the real ‘job’. It is sad that so many people think that is how it is meant to be, only someone who has been single, and loved the solace of being by themselves can understand how much friendships mean. I think as we move towards a New Year, more and more women are coming around to the idea that the end goal of life is not the ‘white Pickett fence family dream’ but whatever makes you the most happy. I hope you’re happy, or at least as happy as we humans can be. xx

I know my ex said the older I get the less guy friends I will have and want to hang out with. This is not true, I look at all the ladies in my life and they have guy best friends and are perfectly happy in their own relationship. Right now I am focusing on making new friends that I can hopefully keep for the rest of my life!

Well said. I think your posy resonates with so many people (myself included). It’s a confirmation that we all make mistakes, we don’t always make the right decisions but at the end of it all, that’s ok . You are proof that life goes on, we pick ourselves back up and start again.
Thanks for sharing your experiences.

Best of luck with your new life. I never wanted to be with out my family or single. It’s taken me years to understand that I can never replace what I lost. Every cell in my body ached to have my life back.. But the more I tried to get it back the further and harder it was to find. Best wishes and blessings. B