Family Forum

Reader to reader

I've always done it myself, from the very first tooth. If you're only going to start brushing your kids' teeth at 18 months, you're going to have a very rich dentist. TI, on the talkboard

Spotted a toothbrush which is designed to be chewed in the JoJo Maman Bébé catalogue http://tinyurl.com/8q93j. Until I get round to buying it I'm going to assume that chewing a toothpasty toothbrush is actually a pretty good way of getting a baby's teeth clean.GD, on the talkboard

We too have an 18-month-old who is keen on her toothbrush and toothpaste, but refuses any brushing. She is, however, fascinated by our electric toothbrushes, so we gave it a try on her and she loves it! I'm sure she has the cleanest toddler teeth in the land now!Helen and Mike Waterman, by email

I wish somebody would tell me how to persuade my 19-year-old to brush his teeth properly. My current tactic is to get him to pay his own dentist's bills.RF, on the talkboard

If I try and do the brushing myself I am faced with a tightly closed mouth, and if I try and get past this then she squirms, screams and cries the place down. (All the while tossing her head from side to side so I still can't get at them.) I assume this is just a phase (and hopefully not a 19-year one), but it seems none of you could reassure me on this as all your children apparently went from babyhood to reasonable, bribable childhood skipping that awkward middle stage.GD, on the talkboard

I came across this tip in a magazine - say a little rhyme when you do it: "See the little milk teeth all in a row; scrub, scrub, scrub and off we go. First we do the front ones, then we do the back; there we are then, that's that!"Nicola, by email

I have a similar problem with my two-and-a-half-year-old. I have tried all sorts of methods: songs, rhymes, bribes, threats, violence, with limited success. The most successful methods have been to play "animals" and "vehicles". This involves me brushing in the style of an elephant/hedgehog/spider or a Concorde/ bicycle/tube train with appropriate noises. Still, even when it works well, I don't get much more than 30 seconds.

My latest attempt was to try and persuade him with science, ie, that tiny "Tooth Monsters" were eating his teeth and needed to be brushed away. He complied at first, but on the third night, he refused to let me brush - he had made friends with the tooth monsters and they weren't eating his teeth any more!GC, on the talkboard

Make a game out of the noise made by showing her how you brush your own teeth. Changing the shape of your open mouth as you brush makes a different sound, as does the speed with which you brush. The noise should get her interest and ought to encourage her to try and emulate it as you try to brush her teeth. It will take time but in the attempt some brushing should occur.Dave, by email

May I suggest that an easy way to clean an 18-month-old's teeth is as follows: use the smallest child-size brush available with only a trace of children's fluoride toothpaste at the tip. Any more will make the child salivate, this will make him/her want to swallow.

If possible choose a time when there is a second adult available who can sit "knee to knee" with the parent forming a bed. The child is laid along the two laps with its head in the parent's lap. The parent slides a finger gently along the inside of the cheek. The child is now held comfortably with the helper holding the hands. The parent starts by gently brushing the front teeth. The child will generally accept this without struggling if so progress slowly round the arch. If not, restrict brushing to the front teeth and over a period of several days try to brush further back in the mouth. The important thing is not to hurry and whatever the outcome, praise the child for his/her cooperation.

It also helps if the child is given a spare brush to hold and if the ritual is established as soon as possible after birth, even before teeth appear. Barry Scheer, BDS, LDS, M.Paed. Dent. RCS, Senior Lecturer in Paediatric Dentistry, by email

My mother-in-law is suffocating me

How can you fend off a mother-in-law who is obsessed with your child? Who will wake him at night to talk to him and feed him foods you don't like him eating; who visits constantly, and when you tell her she can't stay with you, simply stays with friends or relatives nearby so she can "pop" over; who won't let you comfort him if he hurts himself; who respects no boundaries and declares you are suffering from post-natal depression because you won't let her take over your child. JC, by email

You could think twice before you start a catfight with someone who'll be happy to babysit without charging £7 an hour, and someone who adores your child because it's also her son/daughter's child, someone who, however irritating, is only trying to help, and someone who's in her twilight years and won't be around forever.

My partner's mother died this summer and he's quietly devastated that she'll never get to know our daughter.MF, on the talkboard

I have a small grandson, and have tried to follow my daughter and son-in-law's preferences in parenting from the start. The picture you present of your mother-in-law and her behaviour is worrying because she clearly has no intention of respecting your boundaries.

You are not suffering from post-natal depression - you are not even over-sensitive. You are a normal mother.

The real danger is that she will create trouble in your marriage. So you and your husband need to agree on a solid, common approach. And he needs to make it clear to her that you do not want your joint parenting undermined. (A later danger is that your son will turn to her to get things which you two have refused, if he sees that as possible.)

In the meantime, keep the visits as short and busy as you can. Make sure that when she comes you have lots of friends with babies to meet for coffee, and activities for your little boy - music, swimming, gym, mother-and-baby group - where babysitting isn't needed!Kate, by email

This is not your problem. This is your husband's problem. It's his mother. He needs to talk to her and establish rules for her behaviour in your house. If he refuses to do this, please try and remember that his refusal does not all of a sudden mean you have to try and fix it. It means you have to persuade/nag/beat up your husband until he understands that it is his issue to deal with.MC, on the talkboard

Having been deeply possessive of my newborn, I understand how hard it is to hand your baby over the moment your mother-in-law arrives. My advice: let her win a little. Let her have him to herself for a few hours, and take yourself and your husband away from the house to make the most of the freedom she is offering. Try the softly, softly approach before any confrontations take place, as these do far more damage than you could imagine. Remember that the worst reaction from her would have been to show no love, or interest, at all.Paula, by email

Just before the birth of my second child, my aunt said that she hoped I would have a girl, and quoted to me, "Your daughter is your daughter for all of her life; your son is your son until he gets him a wife." The mother-in-law/ daughter-in-law relationship is not always the easiest or happiest of friendships, and you absolutely need to be firm with your mother-in-law regarding the way you and your husband want to bring up your son.EL, by email

Any answers?

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