Living on the Corner of Conflicted and Turmoil

I live on the corner of “Conflicted and Turmoil.” How I think about time and money especially confirms this.

I think deeply about life. I want to live with intention and make my life count. If I’m honest, I am often trying to achieve elusive perfection in the way I walk out biblical principles on how to spend time and money.

Functionally, this looks like excessive pondering and over analyzing to figure out how to do the right thing, say the right thing, live the right way.

In matters of how to spend money, I believe money is first and foremost God’s money that He simply entrusts to us. The Bible provides principles and general guidelines on how to steward those finances, but it leaves many details up to us. It is the details that can confound me on how to proceed.

It seems to be a battle between the wisdom of Proverbs and the not storing up for yourselves treasures on earth that the book of Matthew speaks of.

For example, if there is financial room to choose, should I purchase quality clothing and home goods that will stand the test of time but may cost a bit more? Spend more upfront but possibly save in the long run? Should I pour money into making improvements on our home knowing this would likely improve our return investment later? Or should I live carpe diem, divesting myself of surplus in order to serve those just scraping by or even barely surviving?

Wanting to spend money wisely yet longing to free up any and all resources to serve the less resourced in this world can come in conflict when it comes to making these practical decisions.

How does one live practically and wisely while also living with eternity in view, knowing this world is not our home?

(*Spoiler Alert: I actually don’t know the answer.)

How we spend our time holds similar quandaries for me.

My husband and I read a book entitled, Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives by Richard Swenson a few years back and were profoundly challenged by its theme.

We recognized our tendency to prioritize too many things and overestimate how much we could accomplish within a 24-hour/7-day period given our unique levels of capacity. Our efforts to simplify schedules and not over extend have been motivated by humility for the most part, recognizing that we are not the answer for all the world’s problems. We can indeed bow out from time to time, and everything and everyone is going to be okay.

At the same time, we desire not to waste a single second that God gives us here on earth to be about His business of redemption and reconciling Himself to man. We know our life here on earth is fleeting yet carries with it the awe inspiring invitation to participate in the divine nature, the work that God is doing all over His Creation.

We are humbled by our human capacity.

We are equally humbled by the opportunity to share in God’s work. And, we don’t want to miss a thing.

We have a phrase we use to encourage one another when faced with weariness in serving God’s purposes: “Leave it all on the field!”

Any sports fan will understand that we mean to give life our all, empty ourselves fully each day in the good works God has prepared for us. I recognize that some days the good work is taking a nap! Some days, it means spending our time doing three things at once in service to others.

The thing is, I don’t always know how to call the day. I can’t always discern, “Is this the day to nap or is this the day to go beyond that which I think I am capable?”

Is this moment for restraint or abundance? Is this money marked for giving or saving?

Ecclesiastes 3 speaks of there being a time for all things, even those things that are contrary to one another: a time for living and dying, breaking down and building up, mourning and rejoicing, keeping and throwing away, staying silent and speaking up, loving and hating, war and peace. As long as we live on earth, there will be these contrasting emotions and behaviors.

I live on the corner of “Conflicted and Turmoil” in part because this is true. This truth confronts my desire for balance in life and for clear cut answers.

In life, there are times to spend time and money with abandon as there are also times God calls us to austerity and rest for the sake of His Kingdom work progressing.

I do not always feel certain about my personal pursuit of one or the other, but at the end of the day, I must act. I must step out in faith rather than sight because I do not see clearly.

My faith is not in my ability to make the right decision; my faith is in the ONE for whom I prayerfully wrestle with these decisions — God.

n the ways I end up spending my time and money, my faith in moving forward must be in Jesus, the one Who DID do everything right. He always discerned the Father’s will accurately and then obeyed it perfectly. And, because He did, I can have peace while living on the corner of “Conflicted and Turmoil.”

Briana is a truth seeker who wrestles with how to love God with all her heart, mind, soul, and strength and how to faithfully live Micah 6:8. She rarely turns down coffee, chocolate, red wine and soft cheeses. Eschewing labels and boxes, she’s reluctant to share she homeschools her 3 children and is completely sold on the real food movement. Briana “wears her heart on her sleeve” and married a “close to the vest” kind of guy, both having strong and opposite preferences for just about everything which makes for a “conflict more often than not” marriage, but one worth fighting for. She writes privately to order the chaos in her head. She writes publicly to encourage and persuade others of the one thing of which she is utterly convinced: that God is a big God and a good God and loves His people with an indescribable love. In her feeble and stumbling attempts to describe God’s love, she writes occasionally on her blog, Pleasant Places.

One of my life verses is Micah 6:8, “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?”

It is one of my favorite verses because my heart has been so moved by the love Jesus has for me and the sacrifice He made for me that I am grateful to have a way to express my gratitude through acts of justice and mercy while walking humbly with God.

I have found at times, however, the call to do justice and love mercy come in conflict with the call to walk humbly with God. For me, one of the ways to walk humbly with God is to recognize my limitations. I have to put skin to the fact that I am not God which means saying, “no” to ministry requests. It means going to sleep when I could be spending time advocating for the harrowed and helpless in the world. It means limited seats at my table, limited funds in my bank account, and limited energy in my body cannot be ignored but respected and adhered to.

This is hard for me at times, especially when I scroll my Facebook feed and see friends who are caring for their really sick children, spouse, or other family member all while millions of refugees flee war torn countries and babies are slaughtered by the hundreds each day in our country through the abortion industry.

As I scroll, I receive texts about one family member’s surgery gone wrong and another family member announcing a new baby is on the way. I have in mind my neighbor who has inpatient surgery scheduled this week and another neighbor who is trying to hold down a full-time job, care for twins all while battling profound “morning” sickness.

Folks at church are fighting for their lives in physical and spiritual ways, and strangers who pass me on the road are clearly battling something as demonstrated by their impatient honking because I won’t take a right turn on red. I want to meet the needs of all; I want to do justice and love mercy, but I’m daily confronted by the fact that I am so limited.

What am I to do when doing justly and/or loving mercy seem to come in conflict with walking humbly with my God?

God keeps bringing me to this answer: prayer.

God invites us to cast our cares before Him because He cares for us.
God tells us to be anxious for nothing BUT WITH PRAYER present our requests before Him.
God commands us to pray without ceasing.

And, when I walk humbly with God, I see the immense kindness in His command.
He gives us a way to do justly, love mercy WHILE walking humbly with Him.
It is by praying without ceasing.

I cannot take a meal or give money to every sick person or family I know. I cannot extend kindness to all my neighbors all at the same time they’re in need nor conjure up sustainable solutions for the refugee crisis and contact all the necessary world powers to make it happen.

I cannot heal all, but I know the Healer.

I cannot provide for all the needs, but I know the Provider.

I cannot rescue everyone in need, but I know the Rescuer.

I cannot comfort all the broken, but I know the Comforter.

I cannot speak peace over every situation, but I know the Prince of Peace.

I cannot be all to all, but I can go to the Great I Am through prayer, lay all the people, problems and pleas for help before the Omniscient and Omnipresent God of all Creation.

I can do this through prayer.

Recently, via an Instagram contest of all things, I came upon A–Z prayer cards designed by blogger/author/speaker, Amelia Rhodes. It is a simple concept packed with a powerful prayer punch. It has served me personally in this tension of wanting to do far more than I practically can do. It provides prayer prompts starting with each letter of the alphabet along with a scripture that coincides with the prayer focus. It ranges from Adoption to a creative “Zero Prejudice” for the letter “Z.”

The cards are well thought out, color printed on sturdy cardstock with blank lines for the user to write in the names of people and/or organizations that are personal to them.

If, like me, your compassion far exceeds your capacity, pick up a set of these prayer cards and unload your burdens onto a God whose competence matches His kindness, both boundless.

And now, holding my second-born daughter in my arms, thinking back on that brief exchange just a few years ago, I realize those fears were well-founded. I’ve failed many times. I’ve lost my temper. I’ve raised my voice. I’ve worked too much and played too little. I’ve seen my own sinfulness reflected in my daughter.

Yes, I’ve failed, but over and above it all, God’s grace has covered my parenting imperfections and made me run to the cross day after day. The writer of Proverbs puts it this way:

Whoever fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge.
Proverbs 14:26

When it comes to fears, we have two choices: Will we fear the unknown or will we fear the Lord? Will we allow the uncertain to grip us in its clutch or will we turn to God’s Truth to set us free?

Scared? Oh yeah. There was so much to be scared of that day. And even now, if I’m completely honest, there are still fears nibbling at the edges of my consciousness. Fear that we won’t outgrow the temper tantrums. Fear that the two girls won’t get along. Fear that I’ll mess them up and cause them interminable hours on a psychologist’s couch.

I’m sure you have fears, too.

But rather than allow those fears to consume and paralyze us, we can take them to the Lord, acknowledging His sovereignty over our parenting, pleading His grace over our mistakes, and entrusting His provision over their futures. He is not only able to handle it all — He is far more capable to be trusted with it all.

If I say one thing to that frightened 9-month-pregnant me standing in that room years ago, I would say this: Don’t let fear rob today’s joy with tomorrow’s unknowns. Each day has enough worries of its own (Matthew 6:34).

Instead, let us keep seeking God, running to Him as our secure fortress and resting in the knowledge that He will care for us and our children one day at a time.

What are you scared of today? Name your fears and bring them to the Lord, allowing Him to replace them with His peace that passes all understanding.

He Gives Shade To The Weary

Do you ever have those moments of fear because you don’t know what lies ahead? When do those thoughts tend to happen to you?

For me, most of those thoughts happen when I lay my head down to sleep at night. The vulnerability comes forth every time. That’s what happened the other night to me. I shut my eyes and immediately anxiety welled up inside me.

What if we don’t succeed in this new venture? What if we have to move? What if we can’t pay our bills?

I laid there with the covers drawn tight over my head (I still think that I am safer if the covers are over my head), praying scripture over my anxious heart. Assuring myself that God sees me and that He cares.

In the morning, I turned to Isaiah 41, specifically verses 10-20.

“Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10, NASB)

Yesterday, the “what if’s” piled up as I anxiously looked about me. My daughter needs tutoring, however at this point in life, tutoring feels like a luxury we can’t afford. So I listed some items online to sell hoping to make just enough to cover the tutoring. I’m buying groceries on a Visa reward card. I’m holding my breath until the next paycheck comes. But what did God speak over me: Do not fear. Do not look anxiously about you.

“For I am the Lord your God, who upholds your right hand, Who says to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you.’ Do not fear, you worm Jacob, you men of Israel; I will help you,” declares the Lord, “and your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel.” (Isaiah 41:13-14 NASB)

Why shouldn’t I be anxious? Because God will hold me up. God will help me. When I first read the word “worm” as a description, I took it as a slam against Israel. Like, gesh, God. What animal does He relate me to? But through further study, He calls them a worm because worms are helpless. They are viewed as insignificant, despised and weak. God will help me — seemingly insignificant, helpless me — because He is my Redeemer. He is my go’el — my next of kin. The Redeemer is the one who provides for all my needs. Rent. Car payment. Credit card bill. Gas. Food. Clothes. Debt. God will redeem.

“Behold, I have made you a new, sharp threshing sledge with double edges; You will thresh the mountains and pulverize them, And will make the hills like chaff. You will winnow them, and the wind will carry them away, And the storm will scatter them; But you will rejoice in the Lord, You will glory in the Holy One of Israel.” (Isaiah 41:15-16 NASB).

God is transforming me from a helpless one to a powerful one. The description of that type of threshing sledge is like a modern day earth mover. Powerful. Strong. Immovable.

“The afflicted and needy are seeking water, but there is none, And their tongue is parched with thirst; I, the Lord, will answer them Myself, As the God of Israel I will not forsake them.” (Isaiah 41:17, NASB)

He will come to our rescue. God, Himself, will answer you and me. Can you hear how personal that sounds? Have you ever pleaded with someone important whether your boss, public figure, or even a parent, and they responded to the need themselves? You expected for them to send their assistant, but instead they — the most important one — responded to you.

“I will open rivers on the bare heights And springs in the midst of the valleys; I will make the wilderness a pool of water And the dry land fountains of water. I will put the cedar in the wilderness, The acacia and the myrtle and the olive tree; I will place the juniper in the desert Together with the box tree and the cypress.” (Isaiah 41:18-19, NASB)

This passage describes the wilderness-like times in life. You are barren. You are thirsty. You are hot. You are in need. God will provide what you need. God will quench your thirst. He will provide shade when you are weary. During those times, God can provide in creative, innovative ways. He can provide something out of nothing. Doesn’t that give you great hope? Even when you can’t answer how He will do it, He is creative enough to figure it out even when the odds are stacked against you.

“That they may see and recognize, And consider and gain insight as well, That the hand of the Lord has done this, And the Holy One of Israel has created it.” (Isaiah 41:20 NASB).

God will do all of this so that His glory will be put on display. People — including yourself — will see that He is powerful.

So you can see how after a night of wrestling with fear and anxiety, reading this was like shade and water for my soul. God is a god who sees. And God is a god who acts on your behalf.

What do you need His help with today? What are you fearful about today? What keeps you awake at night? Where do you need some shade?

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Hi, I'm Ashleigh Slater, founder and editor of Ungrind. Here at Ungrind, it’s our goal to churn out biblically-based encouragement for women. We strive to be honest and transparent about our struggles in a way that inspires hope, faith, and perseverance.

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