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Thoughts on an Unequally Yoked Marriage

Oliver: Mass would be better if the priest would talk longer, and they got rid of all the singing and praying.

Me: Um…that’s the liturgy?

I live in an “unequally yoked” marriage. In a certain sense, every marriage is unequally yoked by nature pairing together two flawed human beings. I frequently find myself baffled by singular male habits. After years of study I still haven’t discovered the reason why underwear never lands in the hamper and empty beer bottles adorn the counters like trophies after Friday or Saturday night festivities. I couldn’t tell you the number of times I have grumbled in my head, “why am I the only person who can see this mess?!” He thinks I am equally crazy, but also has enough sense not to tell me in what way.

Drawing inspiration from Scripture, I like to see my husband and I as a couple of oxen pulling the cart that is our life and family together. My husband and I contribute in our different ways to the greater good of our family and pick up the slack when each other fail. What that means in my marriage is that I am the only ox pulling the cart in the “faith” department. He procures the money and multimedia. I take care of the children and prayers.

It’s taken years to come to some kind of peace about this arrangement for both of us since I converted after we were married. I believe that my having faith does both of us good as it challenges me to keep chipping away at my natural selfishness in a way that my former Paganism never would. Imagine converting from, “An’ it harm none, do what you will” to “Love your neighbor as yourself.” My creed as a Pagan was about taking what you could get and putting yourself first. As a Christian it’s about giving all that you have and becoming the least. What this means on a practical level is that when I fail and shrilly nag, “why am I the only one who can see this mess?!” I might actually feel sorry about it.

Our disagreement about faith also presents us with certain challenges that couples who are united on that front don’t face. For instance, I diligently keep my symptothermal charts and he has the freedom to procure contraception if he chooses to do so. I invite him to come with me to mass, and he has the absolute right to decline the invitation. He allows me to baptize our children but I have no intention of teaching them that their dad is in any way “less”.

St. Paul says that in his opinion the unbelieving husband is made holy through his believing wife (1 Cor 7:14). I have to carry on and believe that even in the basest way, my prayers and example (Lord, help me) will benefit my husband and everyone else in my family. I have to live my faith for the both of us and not just personal fulfillment. I have to look to God to tear down barriers of pride and build us both up.