Family feud: How to deal with sibling rivalry

Monday

Sep 29, 2008 at 12:01 AMSep 29, 2008 at 9:47 AM

Dinnertime is approaching, and you wonder what point of contention will cause the rugrats’ knock-down, drag-out fight tonight. Who gets the blue cup? Or whether one piece of carrot cake is a sliver bigger than the other?

Jessica Young

Dinnertime is approaching, and you wonder what point of contention will cause the rugrats’ knock-down, drag-out fight tonight. Who gets the blue cup? Or whether one piece of carrot cake is a sliver bigger than the other?

The inane bickering and jockeying for position as the favorite child can take a toll on you as a parent. But whether it’s vying for the title of fastest bike rider or arguing over what video to rent from Blockbuster, garden-variety sibling rivalry is part of everyday life for brothers and sisters.

And, despite the temptation to step in, most of the time it’s important to let the kids learn how to resolve their differences without an adult intervening.

“In the spirit of good parenting, we end up sitting there counting fries to make sure that each child has the exact same number, but I’m not a proponent of strict 50-50 adherence,” said Dr. Paul Mullen, psychology professor at North Central College, Naperville, Ill. “A little discrepancy can be beneficial. It prepares them to handle the inequities that inevitably crop up later in life.”

However, in the meantime, toddlers and young school-aged kids are at a stage in their moral development where there’s a hypersensitivity to right and wrong, causing them to blow out of proportion any perceived slight.

“That’s especially the case if they feel like a sibling is receiving preferential treatment,” said Mullen, who specializes in children and adolescents. “They aren’t at all open to explanation to why other considerations should be taken into account — it’s very cut and dry in their minds. It’s a travesty if fairness standards is not followed to the ‘T.’”

Experts believe it’s tough cookies. Dr. Asmat Jafry, a family psychiatrist at Edward Hospital’s Linden Oaks Medical Group in Illinois, said it’s healthy for children to have to share possessions and attention.

“It’s good preparation for putting to use the turn-taking concept you need in school waiting for the teacher’s help and to use the group glue stick or pencil sharpener,” she said. “Kids from single-child homes tend to have difficulty getting along with peers because they haven’t built up a frustration or rejection tolerance.”

So by nipping any potentially negative interaction in the bud, you might be putting your kids at a disadvantage by not allowing them to deal with common social issues or practice conflict resolution.

Aggravating factors

A new baby, a move, the transition from one school level to another or a new job for you all coincide with ch-ch-ch-changes. So routines are affected, making kids more irritable, needy and aware of anything that diverts your attention.

“Hallmark events cause (sibling rivalry) to rear its ugly head or worsen if it was a pre-existing issue,” Mullen said. “Parents can expect a change in the severity during these times, but it’s usually temporary because the child is going to acclimate to the new set of circumstances or age and mature.”

Red flags

If a repetitive underdog scenario develops, you should intercede. According to Jafry, if a younger or more passive sibling is being pushed around, it’s important to make sure their self-confidence isn’t damaged. If overly aggressive behavior persists or if a child says, “I wish I was in a different family” or “I wish I was never born,” seek counseling.

How to deal

Don’t become Judge Judy.

“Parents tend to mediate right away in the interest of keeping peace, but that sends the message that the kids need to plead their case to you and await a ruling,” Mullen said. “From a behavioral standpoint, adults unknowingly reinforce the thought that crying to mommy or daddy is the most viable option rather than encouraging them to work it out on their own.”

Battle of Toy

If the kids are fighting over a ball, rather than taking it away, articulate the quandary for them: “There’s one ball, and this is why you’re arguing, so what are we going to do?” Trust that they will do the right thing.

Time to shine

If one all-star sibling just won a soccer trophy or participated in a ballet recital, don’t stretch for something to praise the other about to even the score. It’s OK to celebrate a child’s accomplishments. Just make sure you’re acknowledging subtler, less tangible achievements — like helping another person without being asked — of the other sibling.

Preventative measures

Spend quality one-on-one time with everyone. Establish a special date night where you go to the movies or out to eat so that each child has your undivided attention.

More help

Visit www.handinhandparenting.org or read “Becoming the Parent You Want To Be” by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser.

Naperville Family

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