Imperfectly perfect - simply being me!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

My husband has been quite often
using this well-known quote on me and I must not forget to note the tone each
time he brings it into play. Sometimes he uses it with a full stop meaning he appreciates
my role as a wife and at times with a question mark (yeah, the sickle mark)
meaning “hey woman what is your contribution as a wife?” well whatever it is,
this quote sure seems to have really impacted my husband and it has left me
with no choice but to be that woman;).

Marriage as I see it is not just
about adjusting with one another but more about complimenting each other,
covering up each other’s fault in public but at the same time confronting it in
private. Most importantly respecting each other’s advise to one another and
trying to keep up to it. There is no such thing called as perfect marriage,
every marriage has its downsides just as it has its brighter sides.

I know the above lines are easy
to be read or write but the tricky part lies in the realization. Adjusting to
this so called marital life has not been at all easy for the two of us.

For the past ten months, things
have been going topsy-turvy in every aspect but I should be proud to say that
we are faring well. After almost four years of separation, for the first few
days it was like starting anew all over again with a completely new person but
within days of our re-union I felt like we made it up for the four years we
lost. It was as if we have never been separated (atleast on my part) because
the comfort zone between us came back naturally, as natural as it can be. But
(the big BUT) adjusting part was the most difficult and still is. We might have
made up for the lost years between us but the hangover of it never left us. The
late night freak outs and the single life freedom was the toughest part to shed
off (especially for him). I got agitated every time his cell beeped his friends
wanting him to party out (how I wanted to shriek at the top of the voice “He
has a family now!”). Things have calmed down much more now and I can
confidently say we are a proper family leading an upright life. Of course there
are occasional tiff between us which are absolutely normal, otherwise life has
taken a good turn and god forbid let it be this way.

Coming back to the quote, my
personal contemplation is that it works both ways. For a man to be successful
his woman needs to lend him a helping hand and it is vice versa. I can’t put
out of my mind the line, the president of the United States of America Barack
Obama expressed, while giving his victory speech “And I wouldn’t be the man I
am today without the woman who agreed to marry me 20 years ago”. This very line
stands testimony to the fact that behind every successful individual, his
partner has a greater role to play.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

“Chuki, don’t play in the sun, you will be sun burnt” I hear my Apa shouting out of our two storey home as I smile at him mischievously and get back to the mountain of sand I had piled up trying to build a so called fairy world castle. “Chuki, here is your favourite biscuit” Apa lures me waving a glossy sachet of neatly packed biscuits and he succeeds for apa knows my weakness for sweet things. “Apa” I happily tread to him, Apa lovingly lifts me on his lap and hands me the biscuit” “Chuki, ama would be here anytime from town and she wouldn’t want to see you so dirty” Apa tells me as he wipes away the dust from my hair and adjusts my spectacles and as I happily chomp on the biscuits. “I have you Apa to protect me” I squeal back confidently. “Yes Apa will always be there for you” Apa smiles as he uttered these lines. And as I continue munching, I could feel the warmth of my Father’s love all over me and I was never so reassured of my existence as I sat on my Apa’s lap.

Time sure does fly so fast and death gives an end to it, it was only yesterday I was squeaking comfortably on my apa’s lap unknown of the fact that it wasn’t for forever and today here I am with my hero gone forever.

As my Apa laid helplessly on the hospital bed, battling for his life, his breathing getting heavier each day, each day losing his senses but our names clear on his lips and as time passed his memory gave way too. All we could hear was his shallow breathing and as we helplessly stood by him wishing hard if we could share him our breath, give him a part of our life so that he could come back to life and gift us back the joy of living as he always did. But NO! Death had his plans and my Apa surrendered to its cruelty, Apa gave up the fight for his life.

Tears couldn’t bring him back (if only!) , we checked on the monitor wishing the machines might be at fault but no, Apa had left us and this time it was forever. I didn’t find myself so helpless and useless before then I was at that moment. The person who bought me my first set of kira, the person who taught me the first step to dance, the person who first took me to school, the person, my superhero, my apa was not around anymore. The stillness of my apa awoke the little girl in me, longed for apa’s words, ringing in my head “apa will be there for you always”. I longed for apa’s hands to wipe off the tears and tell me “apa is here, don’t you worry!” all I could hear was the reverberation of the oxygen which was of no use now. My only superhero left us to begin a journey all alone…. My apa would never return, never walk through that door and catch me. I would never jump into his arms again…

Sunday, February 19, 2012

I am just so goaded by this thing so called “feeling”! How and where does it grow from? And if it at all grows, why doesn’t it breed in the other person too? Why has it to be just one sided? Well these are the million dollar questions which I guess will never find any answers.

The heart must be the strongest organ in our body for the amount of emotions it can carry and endure. Name any emotions love, anger, hate, Jealousy-it is the heart that face it first and also the consequences that it has to go through later. May be the silver lining here is that it never stops beating despite all the things it has to bear. May be that’s why people say “life moves on” or is it that the heart beats on?

Have you tried being the cupid between two people?

I had not at all intended to hurt someone, what started off as having a little bit of fun , I was not aware that in the process it might end up hurting someone, after all the person on the other end was a human like us too. It was the Valentine’s Day eve and I thought I will try being the cupid (the naughty version of cupid) to kindle some love between two people. In being so I ended up giving so much hope to the other side that it started scaring me when things at this end starting getting clearer. Out of all the things I intended which was again all for fun, breaking some one’s heart was not at all my intent and I knew what was like to have your hopes dwindle right in front. I did not have the slightest idea that the so called feeling on the other side was just so pure and true. May be I was so worn out by fake feelings that I believed no such pure thing ever existed but now I know how wrong I was. This world still has pure people.

Well in all this goings-on, something very beautiful ensued (and I am sure the other side would agree with me here). The bond that built between us is something I can pride in. In the process of chitchat and teasing, a beautiful relationship shaped, a nameless relationship but pure in its own way. And I plan to keep it that way for I don’t want in any way to ruin this connection. I am assured that there are bonds that can happen in life that are far more beautiful without ever having the need to see each other, bonds that survive with just the thought about the existence of the other unknown person who can understand you completely. And may be such bonds lasts for the real bonds have started scaring me way too much.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I could see that this year my birthday was going to be one of the most mind-numbing boring episode. Just on the eve my sister tells me she has to leave for Wangdi for some urgent ad-hoc official call and Namsay sms me saying she has to go with her aunt to Tsirang that too unplanned. Next Dechen texts me saying she will have to sleep over at my place since she will be held up late at the office. That left me with my cousin and Dechen on my birthday eve. “At least I am not going to be alone” thought gave me some flicker of hope. It wasn’t even 10 pm that Dechen and my cousin started getting worried that I was not sleeping. Well I found it quiet unusual but Dechen made sense when she said we got office the next day and that it wasn’t wise to stay up late. Bidding good night to my cousin I went off to my bed and Dechen immediately followed. Even after an hour of getting in to the bed, there was no sign of any sleep approaching me so as usual I put on the music on my cell. I was still wide awake singing along with the music when I heard the main door being opened; I immediately got up and shouted at my brother thinking he was sneaking out. What came next was totally unanticipated. My sister who was supposed to be in Wangdi was there with a candles lit cake and Namsay had her cell full on playing with a birthday song. For a while I didn’t know what was actually happening but slowly things started to link up...the ad-hoc official call, Dechen wanting to come to sleep over and Namsay all of a sudden leaving to Tsirang. So these beautiful people were actually planning this great surprise for me. It got my platinum tears rolling. The next followed the gifts and the celebration. The best ever celebration I ever had. Thank you my lovelies for making it such a special one more so for making me realize that there are people who cares about me, people who are special to me who I almost overlooked in the midst of trying to specialize someone, someone who doesn’t even appreciate my being. But now I know where I stand and I can pompously admit that I am special to you all as you are to me and that matters more than anything else in the world. Thank you is never enough to convey you what is in my heart. I love you guys.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

We do know that February is the month of romance and love but there are people who are of the view that valentine is a foreign culture and it is out of sheer madness that the Bhutanese youth embrace such tradition. Valentine is and always been especial to me not because it’s a day to celebrate love (that could be one of the reason though) but because I made my grand entrance on this day. I always love hearing mom narrate about my first cry in the early wee hours in Gelephu hospital (that’s another story)Coming back to Valentine’s Day, the history of Valentine’s Day and the story of its patron saint valentine is shrouded in mystery but the most commonly believed notion is that valentine is a day to commemorate the anniversary of valentine’s death or burial. And records show that 150 million valentine cards are exchanged annually which makes the day second most popular event after Christmas. its a relieving thought that LOVE still rules the world:)isn't it? Anyway I am sure you won’t be interested to know about the history or the legend of the day so let me not elaborate on that any further. So valentine day as I was saying is special to me in its own way. It’s my born day but coming to birthdays I now dread it for it means age is catching up fast, a day also to remind ourselves that your existence on this beautiful mother earth is numbered. It was a different story as a child though. How anxiously we would wait for this day to cut cakes and receive presents, sing and dance...Oh! The beauty of those bygone innocent days! Coming to the celebration of love, this time I am hoping Mr. Cupid will excuse me, his favorite love child from his fixture but I am hoping to celebrate it in my own modest way without his help. And anyway somebody told me that you don’t have to necessitate a day to celebrate love, if love is in attendance, each day is an occasion to rejoice it. Happy valentine’s day!

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I am surprised at how contemptible people can get. Mom was right when she said “when you are alone and for the reason that you are a woman, no matter how well you do, people will have something bad to put in the picture”. Why? Why do people bother so much about someone else’s life? Why can’t they just take care of their own shit and let us be at peace? And just because you are a woman you become the target of all those dirty rumors and gossips. And oh not to forgot you also become the object of their dirty glares and rowdy intentions! And your only fault is because you are a woman? Sad! People don’t even let you live your own precious life in peace. The worst is if you are single! They make your life a living hell! People assume you are easy, cheap and available. Just days ago I was walking in town with my brother and after a few days I hear my office people teasing me “who was that hunk you were walking with?” DUH??? They didn’t see me but it seems someone else saw me and so that’s how it got to my office. I couldn’t help laughing out loud but I could feel a sharp pain inside me. It was just so embarrassing and awkward.Well this article is an upshot of a phone call I received. I am not naming the caller but I tell you I have never come across a cheaper being then him. And I have never before been insulted and appalled as a woman this way. There was nothing bad in his calling but his intentions were not right. They were dirty and the mere fact that he is married makes him a total dirty jerk. Why doesn’t it get in to their head that women are not playthings, they are human beings, living breathing ones and it hurts them when some one treats them like shits! And for the first time mom’s words resonated in my head and my tears agreed with me. The next I called up my mom “Get me married” I heard myself shouting. Mom was taken aback obviously for my sudden outburst but she understood when I added “I am sick of all the tittle-tattle and I want to get out of this hell!”

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Have you heard of this proverb “marriages are made in heaven and solemnized on earth”? I am sure you did but if it is made in heaven who designed divorces? Was it made in hell? That’s something to wonder about. If you happen to ask married people about how married life is, the only response you would most probably get is “don’t get married!” but people get married despite all those negative comments and warnings. I don’t say I am against the institution of marriage but it doesn’t really interest me either. Fairy tales and those happily ever after stories do fascinate me but I know reality is much larger and bitter. And if those fairy tales were recorded after the very happy ending, I am sure the account of story details would be very different. There is no written testimony that one should get married and no one said that marriage would bring you the stability, peace or whatever you want in life. But my mom doesn’t understand this judgment. She thinks that for a girl to complete her life, she needs a man. Sigh... And this is the very reason I dread going home for every time I am there, this topic never escapes the discussion at the dinner table. And the last I went home, actually I was on an official tour and I met my mom just for couple of minutes. I tried hard not to bring out that topic but alas mom trapped me again with the very old question “so tell me who your boy friend is”. And as always I politely responded “I will tell you soon mom’. A smile escaped her lips for she knew I was lying and I caught my dad smiling too. Gone are the days of match fixing when parents choose life partner for their children and even children happily consent to what has been decided. But now the state of affairs has changed. First parents can’t pick anyone for their children, secondly children now has to like the person they would want to walk the aisle with, test them and finally if he or she gets through all those experiments, then maybe they would get married. And there is no guarantee that they would last. When the euphoria of love fades (this is natural), they tend to seek fulfillment outside and this is where extra marital affairs and infidelity in all shapes and sizes happen. Their union goes through the painful ordeal of divorce and separation. Children are the main victims in the process. But there are couples who have lived through it all and indeed lived up to the very line “till death do us apart”! It is so obvious and natural that love won’t last or even if it does, the degree would very much vary as time pass. But if you happen to go for another every time the magic fades in your relationship, there is no guarantee that you would find someone, not in this life I bet! So the secret as I read it somewhere lies within you, you got to make it work because only you can do it. The so called expression “labor of love” makes senses here. “THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON, IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND”

About Me

someone who believes a lot in fate and destiny, a lot more in MIRACLES! I sometimes may be hard to understand but if need arises, be assured that i will be there with a helping hand. In love I am unconditional but that' a bad thing i guess, you are taken advantage too easily! I have a beautiful world where there is my mom, dad, my two elder protective brothers, my best friend my sister and my angel daughter, they are my world! I wont consider myself a writer but its no doubt that I love putting my thoughts on paper!