A Pilgrimage To The Holy Land Experience, Orlando’s Holiest Theme Park

Drive up Central Florida’s I4, just outside Orlando, and it’s hard to miss the complex of gold and fake marble columned buildings. The gaudy park looks a little like someone tried to build a model of ancient Rome out of drywall putty and glitter. That’s how you know you’ve reached The Holy Land Experience, a Christian theme park where Biblical antiquities meet miniature golf, where you can snack on authentic Middle Eastern JerusaLamb Kebobs before getting baptized by a real actor playing Jesus (weather permitting).

Was this ironic tourism? I guess you could call it that, if you must. I certainly wasn’t visiting a collection of strip mall antiquities as a holy pilgrimage. It just happened to be the strangest place I knew of in Orlando, and so when I found out I’d be passing through, it was first on my list. Isn’t that the point of all travel? To become an outsider, to have experiences outside your everyday norms? Certainly the Holy Land Experience qualified.

The park was the brainchild of a Jew-turned-Baptist minister from New Jersey named Marvin Rosenthal, who bought the land in 1989. Opened in 2001, The Holy Land Experience was officially declared tax-exempt in 2006, thanks to a law passed by the Florida legislature and signed into law by the then-governor and recently inept presidential candidate Jeb Bush — thus ending Orange County’s five-year effort to collect $300,000 in back property taxes. While it began “with no advertising budget,” in 2007 it was bought by the Trinity Broadcasting Network, a Southern California-based Christian cable empire founded by the late Paul F. Crouch, which calls itself the world’s largest religious television network. According to the most recently-available tax documents, the park made $9.4 million in ticket sales in 2013.

In return for their tax exemption, which has reportedly saved them about $2.2 million since 2006, all The Holy Land has to do in return is make admission free once a year. About 3,500 people showed up for the most recent free day, back in February. When Uproxx Orlando ambassador, Ashley Burns arrived in early March, however, admission cost $50 and attendance was looking sparse. Pretty steep for a day trip. Hey, at least parking was free.

That’s a really good question. I’ve been going through a lot that has challenged my faith recently. I was raised a Christian and have been living as one but at 40 I find myself reading a lot of Buddhism and doing a lot of thinking not that I am putting Christianity down or anything. I think I am making room for more stuff that I find truth in. TLDR: I have no idea bro.

This was the worst part for us, because there was so much that needed to be documented in the “live” show, from the dancing minstrel angel to goth Satan, and especially the Shutterstock image backdrops they used that made it look like Bethlehem was the gosh danged unicorn island.

This sounds basically like a renaissance fair. Questionable historical accuracy, plenty of bullshit to buy, live shows. Did the people running the store strike you are overly energetic former drama students?

“Drainage”, said the voice again, this time louder. Vince’s head perked up and he began looking around for the source of the voice.

“Drainage, Vince, you boy.” The voice whispered in his ear. He stumbled backwards at the shock. This wasn’t just any voice. It was deeply, uncomfortably familiar.

“It couldn’t be… he disappeared…”

“DRAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNNAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEE!” Now a deep, angry roar. Vince cowered, crouching in face of the power of it.

Then silence. Vince looked around. No one else had reacted, or seemed to have heard. He straightened up and half-ran toward Burnsy.

“Did you hear that?! Did you hear the voice?”

Burnsy was distracted by a golden retriever wearing sunglasses and waved Vince away.

He wandered aimlessly before stopping in front of one of the ubiquitous signs marked “He is risen!”. Until now, the statement had made no impression on him. Whatever Christ had been or was now doing, he certainly wasn’t in a tacky Florida theme-park.

“But what if it’s not Christ who’s risen…”, Vince thought. A simultaneously hopeful and hopeless moment of belief, but one that stayed with him well after the trip.

I mean this endearingly, this article is classic Vince. Expecting another well-articulated review on one of the biggest movies of the year? Well too bad, here’s an article of a ridiculously obscure subject that was still a very enjoyable read.

By: Vince Mancini

03.23.2016 @ 8:12 PM

I wish I could say these were all me making offbeat choices, but the truth is, BvS didn’t screen here until four hours after the review embargo, and Uproxx has another reviewer in New York, so it makes no sense, not to mention the studio made it impossible, for me to rush to get the review in at the same time as everyone else’s.

“Did we really want to go through with this? Did we look Christian enough?”

I would pay good money to be a fly on the wall when you two were getting ready.

Vince: Hey Burnsy, do these white, tube socks to with my tevas?

Burnsy: Wear the green hiking socks Vince! We’re dressing up as Christians, not peasants! Can you toss me that fishing cap?

Vince: Sure buddy.

Burnsy snatches the hat out of the air, deftly placing it on his head and fingering the brim. He pulls a small elephant pin from one of his many vest pockets and attaches it. He blows himself a kiss in the mirror.

The two heathens in lambs clothing give each other one last once over before heading into the land of papyrus.

Oh that’s not the headquarters. It would look way more like the park if it were (just google TBN hq CA). But that strip mall location is a legit TV station where they tape all the local programs for WHLV and where Jan (pink hair lady) usually hangs out with Jesus (main actor). She sometimes also watches people from a window by Solomon’s Temple or one of the booths in Church Of All Nations (which she added decor on top of so people would stop calling it the Roman coliseum and start saying it looked like a crown). Oh and a tax shelter? HA. Money is the last of her concerns, unless it has to do with payroll. Instead you should ask how many beautiful “parsonages” they own around the globe.
Source: jaded ex-employee