Untouched and Intact

Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly...
Although it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live...
Only in their dreams can Man be truly free...
'Twas always thus, and always thus will be...

13.3.09

After Friday prayers that day I was positively hungry, thirsty and needed sustenance fast. Thus, with as much speed as my legs, the mosque crowd, the subsequent traffic congestion and my skills of negotiating heavy traffic on my bike would permit, I made my way to the nearest place where I know I can get good food fast (or rather, good fast food): McDonald’s. Even as I was riding my bike I decided which McValue meal to have for lunch.

Soon enough, I parked my bike and quickly proceeded into the restaurant. As I entered and saw the queue of people waiting to place their order, it became clear to me that I wasn’t the only one who went for Friday prayers without having lunch first. I took my place at the end of the line, with some 6-7 customers in front of me. I observed with great interest the speed at which the McDonald’s staff served their customers when suddenly, I was tapped on the shoulder from behind. I turned to look and saw Milly. She laughed; I guess the shock must have been evident on my face.

“Sorry,” she said. “Didn’t mean to frighten you.”

“No no no, it’s okay. I was just...surprised to see you. In a pleasant sort of way.”

“Oh? That’s nice of you.” She smiled.

Damn, I thought to myself, I wish I could just get my phone out and snap a picture of her smiling right now.

“So, what’s up?” Zero marks to me for originality.

“Sorry?”

“I mean, what are you doing here?” I realised a little too late that that was a stupid question, and the answer would be painfully obvious.

“You mean, other than buying food?”

“Yeah, of course.” Feeble attempt to cover up, but what the heck.

“I see. Em, just waiting for Jay.”

“Jay as in your....oh.”

I turned and took a few steps towards the counter, glad of an excuse to turn away and hide the grimace on my face. And for some reason, I could not bring myself to continue talking to Milly as my mind was pre-occupied with associating the name ‘Jay’ to almost every curse word I can think of.

Moments later, I was seated and ready to devour the fries on my tray when Milly came to my table.

“May I seat here, if you don’t mind?” she said, beckoning to the seat opposite mine.

“Yes. I mean, no. I mean, I don’t mind,” I said, with four fries or so in my mouth. Thankfully, none of them came out.

She smiled and sat down.

“What are you having?”

I thought that was a weird question to ask, since “Double Cheeseburger” was clearly printed on the box on my tray. Not to mention that she also ordered the same thing.

“Double Cheeseburger,” I said, turning the box towards her.

“Oh, is it your favourite?” she asked, with an interested look that puzzled me even more.

“You can say that,” I said, stuffing a few more fries into my mouth. “But I also like McChicken and Filet-O-Fish.”

“Oh, you’re an all-rounder then,” she said with a smile. “Oh sorry, I didn’t mean to offend...I wasn’t saying that....I...” Milly added nervously, the look of horror evident on her face as she struggled to form an apology for what she felt could have been misinterpreted as an insult. She eventually stopped and stared at her tray, her face scarlet with embarrassment.

“It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to.”

“Sorry.” She continued staring at her tray. Seconds later, she started fiddling with her burger.

“Is something bothering you?” I asked.

“What? Oh, no, not at all.”

“Look, if it’s about what you said...”

“No no, it’s nothing, nothing at all.” She put down her burger and took a sip of soft drink. “You know,” she began, apparently having regained her composure. “We didn’t really talk much the other day.”

I stopped eating and looked at Milly.

“I didn’t realise you wanted to talk.”

“Well, I did. But you disappeared after, what, 5 minutes?”

“Oh, I see,” I said, as I tried to remember the reason for leaving the living room at that time. “Sorry about that.”

“I think so. I get along with everyone in my family. I mean, isn’t it natural for family members to be close to one another?”

“True. Although some would say differently about their siblings. Jay, for example, doesn’t really have a good relationship with his brothers and sisters. They...abuse him a lot.”

No surprise there, I thought. If my sister turned into a goddamned butch with a foul mouth like that arsehole you call Jay, I’d practise kickboxing on him... I mean, her, as well.

My face must have betrayed my thoughts, as Milly’s own face betrayed her own inner sadness.

“You don’t like Jay that much, huh?”

I sighed.

“Let’s just say Jay didn’t make much of a first impression.”

“Really? Or do you hate Jay and I for what we are? Do you hate us because we are lesbians?”

So that is what’s bothering her.

I wiped my oily fingers clean and took large sips of Ribena. This is a delicate situation, and I need to choose my words carefully. Milly waited for me to answer; her fingers fiddling with her burger in a manner which I imagined was caused by nervous anticipation.

I set both hands on the table, leaned forward and looked at Milly straight in the eyes. They are brown.

“Milly, I don’t hate lesbians. I don’t have any quarrel against your choice of sexual orientation. I admit, however, that at times I do feel it is a shame that you chose to be that way but at the end of the day, it is your life to live and your choice to make.”

I stopped to take a breath and drink more Ribena.

“If it makes you feel any better, I’ll have you know that I do know other people like you and Jay. Other lesbians. And these people I know are way cool, probably some of the coolest people I’ve met, and I respect them for standing up for what they feel is right.”

“But Jay...”

“Jay, I’m sorry to say, was unnecessarily foul-mouthed when we first met, despite my attempts at being apologetic. That is enough to drive anyone mad, I daresay.”

She sighed.

“I know. I talked to him about it after that incident. That he was harsh and everything. But Ady,” her tone changed to that of a desperate plea, “Jay is really a nice person. He’s just sometimes... rough and easily loses his temper. But he’s really nice and caring. I hope you believe me....”

“I believe you.”

She looked straight into my eyes, and I did the same to her. I didn’t know what she was trying to read from my eyes, and frankly speaking, I don’t really care as long as I have an excuse to gaze into those brown eyes.

“I like your eyes,” she said, without taking her own eyes off mine.

“I like yours.”

“Really? Why?”

“They’re brown. I like brown eyes.”

She laughed.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. So tell me, why do you like my eyes? What do you like so much about my Chinese eyes?”

She laughed again.

“Not telling you.”

“What?”

“It’s a secret.”

“Oh, come on. That’s not fair.”

“Nope, not telling you.” She giggled.

“Fine, have it your way.”

I continued eating my burger in silence. A few bites later, I noticed that she hasn’t been eating hers so I looked up only to see Milly looking with a look of amusement on her face.

“Okay, you’re not mad then.” She continued eating her burger, somehow unable to rub the smile of her face. I wasn’t going to complain, though.

Eventually, she finished her Double Cheeseburger. I looked at my watch. The time is now 2.45 p.m.

“What time are you supposed to meet up with Jay?”

Milly looked at her own watch and looked around.

“We agreed two-thirty, but entah la, dia tak sampai lagi.”

“But you’ve been here since two o’clock.”

“Well, I was hungry and wanted to eat.”

“Fair enough,” I said. Then a thought flashed through my mind.

“Does he know that you came to my house the other day?”

Milly looked a little shocked at the question.

“Yeah. Why?”

I shrugged my shoulders.

“I don’t know. You know how jealous some people can be. Are you sure it’s okay for me to be here?”

She laughed.

“Kind of too late for that, right? Anyway, he’s late so he can’t blame me for having someone keep me company. It is dangerous for a girl to be alone in this area, you know...”

I nodded in agreement.

“True, true. Excuse me,” I said, as I stood up, “I’ll be back shortly.”

In under a minute, I was back in my seat with two sundaes: chocolate and strawberry. Milly looked at me suspiciously.

“Two sundaes for yourself?”

“Choose one.”

“Huh?”

“Choose one. I didn’t know which one you prefer, so I bought both.”

She laughed.

“And what if I like both?”

“Then we’ll just have to share, because I ain’t going back there to get us another couple of sundaes. So, Milly,” I said, with my best impression of a famous Malaysian celebrity who hosted ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’, “what is your answer?”

“You realise this means that you, Milly, would have to share the ice-creams with me?”

“Yes.”

“And that is your final answer?”

She smiled.

“Yes.”

I realised that now would not be a good time to pull the “We’ll be back after a short break” gimmick.

“Well, help yourself then. Ladies first.”

It seemed ridiculous that two people would take turns scooping ice-cream out a cup situated in the middle of a small table, but that was what happened. And all the while, we involuntarily gazed into each other’s eyes.

At this point, my phone rang. It was one of my old schoolmates, asking me if I would like to join them for futsal that evening.

“You gotta go now?” Milly asked, as I placed my phone on the table.

I looked again at my watch. It was close to 3 p.m.

“There’s still time.”

“Good,” she said, as I discovered that my phone is now in her hands. “Wow, who is this?” she asked, referring to the wallpaper. “Your girlfriend?”

“Nope.”

“Really? She’s really pretty.”

“That’s why I chose her picture as my wallpaper.”

“I see.... Wow, you have lots and lots of pictures of girls in your phone.”

“Well, would you prefer me having pictures of guys in my phone?” I replied, to which she laughed.

“So, which one is your girlfriend?”

“None of them.”

“You kidding?”

“Not at all. If even one of them is my girlfriend, would I dare keep pictures of all the other girls?”

“Ah, I see.”

The next few minutes went by with Milly browsing through my phone. I did not make any attempt to get it back, simply because I have nothing to hide anyway. I was staring into blank space when Milly’s phone rang.

“Next time.” As she said that, I saw her smile for the last time that day. And I returned that smile, taking the chance to gaze into those brown eyes for one last time, silently regretting for not having the guts to take her picture earlier. As I turned away and headed to the door, Jay came in. Upon seeing me, he... I mean, she was utterly shocked.

“You...” was all Jay could manage.

“Hello, Jay.”

I walked out of the glass doors and just barely heard Jay ask Milly “Dia teman you ke tadi?” I didn’t hear what Milly said in reply, but it didn’t matter. I was already on my bike, on my way home.

Later that evening, I played futsal with an extra spring in my step.

__________________________________________________

The cuckoo clock chimed, indicating the time to be 1 a.m. although in actual fact, it was really half-past midnight. I was wide awake as usual, browsing the Internet while everyone else sleeps. Two of my cats have also curled into deep slumber; one on the sofa in the living room while the other on the rattan peacock chair in the dining hall, next to where I was sitting at the dining table. The third and youngest of the lot, Snowy, was lying flat on the floor and not too far off from falling asleep himself.

Suddenly, my phone rang. The caller ID displayed a mobile number that I didn’t recognize. With bated breath, I answered the call.

17.2.09

Note: This post is the first part of a series, as you may have well guessed by now. This 'series', if I may use the term, has been awaiting development for quite some time. It is only now that I managed to take the intiative to sit down and turn it into something more than a mere blog post idea. Enjoy!-----I could hardly believe how wrong I was that day. I stood there stunned by the sight that met my eyes the second I stepped through the automatic doors of AEON Bukit Tinggi.

I had expected to be able to walk leisurely through a somewhat empty mall due to the fact that it was Aidiladha. Heck, shouldn’t people be doing either 1) stay at home & wait for visitors, or 2) don’t stay at home & go visit family & friends? So what the hell are these people doing here!? Forget walking leisurely; walking itself was becoming the complete opposite of leisure, unless you’re a fan of “unintentional” physical contact. As far as the mall-goers were concerned, we were all shoulder-to-shoulder (albeit in a manner unrelated to solidarity). Bang on, say the Brits.

After almost half an hour of pushing and shoving analogous to switching lanes and overtaking cars in KL’s trademark traffic, I escaped the mass of human bodies in the supermarket section and breathed relatively fresher air-conditioned air in the lobby. I sized up my options... and realised that my wallet would only allow window shopping. And a McFlurry. That would have to come last. But first, the Sony centre might have an interesting movie showing on their biggest flat screen HDTV, so off I went to check it out.

Five footsteps into this course of action, my phone rang. Sis. Great.

“Yeah?” My standard greeting towards my sister, brother and mates.

“Where are you?” My sister’s standard first question.

“AEON Bukit Tinggi. Why?”

“When you coming back?”

“Why?” I prefer to know the full details of the question before deciding on the ‘answer’. Just in case it was a ‘trick question’, in the form of a not-so-subtle request for a favour.

“My friend coming over.”

Ah, yes. As ever, I’m supposed to derive volumes of information from a handful of words as a result of my sister’s infamous and utterly incomprehensible minimal-speech-maximum-expectation approach. Somehow it always escapes her the fact that I’m a language student, not a psychic goddammit. I swear, it’s an innate thing amongst women. Fortunately, years of experience has taught me the best way to respond to this.

“So?”

“So I want you to come back lah.”

Aware of the danger of this conversation entering a cyclical pattern, I asked again.

“Why?”

“Long time never see you what,” said my sister, the exasperation and annoyance becoming evident with each syllable.

“So tell her I’m doing my degree, in my final year now. Roughly twice as tall, twice as heavy and thankfully not twice as wide than when she last saw me... whenever that was.”

But my sister, ever the master debater, concluded this negotiation with a statement so strong that I could not come back from it.

“Just come back lah.”

That was not a request; that was a directive. So much for the Sony HDTV then.

“Okay, fine...sheesh,” I said. “Just let me get my McFlurry first.”

Thankfully, the McDonald’s dessert kiosk wasn’t too far away from where I stood, so I quickly made my way there. Once there, I got me my favourite Chocolate Cornetto McFlurry. As I turned to leave, the Malay couple behind me rushed in rather unexpectedly and I clashed shoulders painfully with the girl. Well, painful for her, at least.

Now this is my confession. I have rather broad shoulders, which would look more prominent but for the unwanted presence of the belly, and have been asked to join the school rugby team before (the bulk had nothing to do with it; there wasn’t much of a bulk back then). The point that I am trying to make here is that the impact of the shoulders clashing was such that the girl fell. Although in retrospect, it was probably because of the difference in weight; my McFlurry was still safe in my right hand.

Being a cultured and educated human, I apologised and bent over to pick up her handbag and phone. As I handed the items, she smiled and opened her mouth to say something. But the sound that came out was much louder than I had expected.

“Oi celaka punya budak! Tak tau tengok orang ke!?”

I looked at her in disbelief, only to realise a full second later that the voice was not hers. It came from her boyfriend. And as I looked up to face this boyfriend, I was even more surprised than I had been when he first spoke. No, wait...when she first spoke. The “boy”friend. Also known as the ‘butch’, the ‘dyke’ as well as a host of other names associated with people who claim to be men stuck in women’s body. I was processing this bit of information in my mind when he... I mean, she spoke again.

Upon hearing this, it came to my attention that I am in fact in a crowded mall, and that I stand to gain nothing from a demonstration of rage-fuelled brute strength. I took a deep breath, calmed myself down and let all the anger leave my system.

“Okay,” I said. “Sorry again.”

She smiled again. That thin smile coupled with the soft gaze in her eyes that could end wars if exploited properly. Or be used in a commercial, at least.

I turned around and left the scene, trying to enjoy the fleeting memory of her smile over spoonfuls of McFlurry.

While at the same time try to work out how could a girl like her turn into a lesbo. Needless to say, I don’t have a clue.

___________________________________________________________________

Upon arriving home, my sister’s guests have arrived. I have deliberately taken a much much longer route home to reflect upon the incident earlier, so no surprises there. As I stepped into the house, my sister wasted no time in ‘welcoming’ me home.

26.12.08

"Death is the one thing that connects us all. It reminds us that what's really important is who we've touched, how much we've given. It makes us realize that we have to be good to one another."[Peter Petrelli, Heroes]

"Death and death alone gives meaning to life and this meaning is entirely negative."[Georges Poulet]

"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."[Harriet Beecher Stowe]

On the morning of December 22nd 2008, I received a call from my mom. Bad news, she said. My uncle Ng Kam Thong, my dad’s eldest brother, has passed away.

December 24th 2008, I found myself at the Gui Yuan Crematiorium in PJ.

I took my time. With my eyes fixed at the face of my late uncle, in my heart I said:

“Dear Uncle Kam Thong, I wish we could have had more time together. I regret you had to go so soon because none of us were prepared for this and as such, it has left all of us in this state. But as much as I grief, I shall not cry because I know you would want us to be strong and carry on.”

I took a deep breath. I needed to gather myself to be able to say this.

“Goodbye Uncle. Rest in peace.”

I placed the white rose on top of the roses that everyone else before me had placed. After one last look at his face, I turned and walked away to join the rest of the family. As I walked, Uncle Eric squeezed my arm, to which I replied by placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. From the even tighter squeeze I got in return, I knew I did something right.

After that, the coffin was nailed shut. Prayers, rituals and the subsequent black parade commenced. It all ended with the coffin being loaded and shut in the incinerator to be consumed by those red-hot flames.

10.12.08

You stood me up, you let me downSlammed my hopes back to the groundThis isn't the first time,Isn't the first time that IClosed my eyes, let it byGive you yet another tryThis isn't the first time,Isn't the first time

8.12.08

PS: I have spent the last half-hour typing a lengthy post only to somehow have the entire content disappear before it could be published. Had to type all over again.

Kriffin' Sith spit.

PPS: TESL group pics taken during B.I.G. available upon request.

So, like the title says.

During the lengthy period of absence from the blogging realms (coincided with my sporadic appearances in the online world), I have had a few ideas for blog posts which I unfortunately could not publish due to a combination of other commitments that require due attention, as well as the fact that I usually take the better part of an hour when typing out blog posts. One of these ideas that I really regret not publishing is a 3-post "trilogy" documenting my sister's engagement. The trilogy is as follows:

Oct 10, 2008: Solo journey from UTM to Klang on my bike. Significant because it is my 1st ever nocturnal journey. Took quite a few pics as well.

Oct 11, 2008: Sister's engagement to Andrew @ Harith Zekry. Significant also because I met Allie (for the 3rd time ever in our 6-year acquaintance), met her mom(!) and her family, and brought her back home to meet my family :-)

Oct 12, 2008: Solo journey back to UTM on bike. Finale to the series.

My readers would also know of the 3 extra-curricular courses that I had to take after my exams (seeing as most of you took those courses as well LOL :-D) and have no doubt written about it as well so I will not be redundant by recounting the experience from my point of view. I'll just say that of all the courses, B.I.G. is the one that I felt wasn't a complete waste of time and am thankful that B.I.G. came last. At least we ended on a high note.

Now for the updates. A few trips to the local hypermarkets, 1 Gunpla-scouting trip to Sunway Pyramid, 1 hour of futsal and lots of staying at home pretty much sums up my holiday so far. Apart from that, downloaded Jedi Academy (lightsabers are sweet!) and a few movies. Have yet to filter/organise the pics I took over the past few months. Educated/updated myself on Star Wars, Gundam 00, South Park and other random stuff I chanced on at Wikipedia.

Guess that's what happens when you're on holiday with less than RM50 in your wallet.

But all hope is not lost. Upcoming Gunpla-shopping trip is in the works, and also a get-together with Allie is definitely something I look forward to. Hopefully everything works out, God-willing.

29.9.08

About an hour ago I witnessed a self-proclaimed atheist embrace the Muslim faith. This man, Andrew Chee Heng Loong, is my sister's boyfriend who is to be engaged to her in less than two weeks. Thus, it goes without saying that this means a great deal for all of us in the family.

At about 11.30 a.m. my dad, Andrew Chee Heng Long, our friend Sani & I arrived, not knowing what to expect. Other than filling up some forms & reciting the kalimah syahadah, of course.

We somehow navigated our way into the office building, but only after nearly venturing into the ladies' prayer room, no thanks to the lack of signage in the vicinity. No real harm done, since it's not prayer time anyway.

We didn't need to wait long for our turn. I suppose people don't exactly flock to this place (for whatever reason) like they do in banks, post office and other similar places. I only managed to grab a pic before we were called in to meet the officer-in-charge.

To my pleasant surprise, the officer who greeted us was a woman (I was expecting the stereotypical bearded middle-aged man ^^). And truth be told, I can't help but notice the striking resemblance to a friend from UTM. The greater astonishment came the moment she spoke, because she sounds very much like my friend. Now I wasn't even considering the possibility that this woman is indeed my UTM friend but instead, I was considering the possibility that voices are sort of 'designed' to match with particular faces. Could it be that two people who look alike would also sound alike?

Okay that was off-topic.

My dad listened attentively as the officer (whose name remains a mystery to all of us) asks Andrew what opened his eyes to Islam, what was his motivation, what does he understand about Islam & religion in general (since he was an atheist). Probably my dad would be thinking "here we go again" ^^ since he's been there and done that some 32 years ago.

After some precautionary advice as to how one can't embrace another religion after once you're a Muslim, the Islamization (I'm not sure if that's the proper term or use of it) begins.

Our friendly neighbourhood officer explains to all of us the process of becoming a Muslim by law. Andrew would have to go for a 5-day camping trip....err, I meant an educational trip to Pantai Remis, Kuala Selangor to learn the basics of practising Islam: prayers, doa, reciting Iqra' and pretty the Islamic way of life.

And being the supportive people we are, my dad, Sani and I listened and asked for clarification ourselves. I believe it is important for all of us to be supportive and invest just as much effort in Andrew's education and development as a Muslim.

At long last, Andrew filled up the form that certifies his embracing of the Muslim faith. It is since then that Andrew Chee Heng Long became 'Harith Zekry Chee Heng Loong bin Abdullah'. Whoa, a name that's longer than mine.

First thing that crossed my mind: how would the NRD fit this frikkin' long name onto Andrew's new MyKad? :-D

Secondly: how would the NRD fit Andrew's child's name onto his/her MyKad in the future? :-D

After Andrew completed the form, my father officially became the first legal witness, followed by Sani as the second witness. I became the 3rd 'unofficial' witness, but I witnessed it all the same :-)

For some reason everyone felt the need to pose in front of the building. It was a good group shot, but actually I was trying to get in a candid shot.

Once everything is over and done with, we all headed back home. Thankfully everything went smoothly. Alhamdulillah ^^

"Now she knows how it feels to not know where she stands in someone's life. Biar merasa sikit."

"Who is your one and only, actually?"

"He needs some sort of assurance before he decides."

"I've gambled enough already. Let them make the first move now."

"Face card, face card....DAMMIT!"

"We all know that will never happen."

"Girls expect guys to make the first move. They can't be the ones chasing after guys. It's too embarassing for them."

"Talk about maintaining face."

"Her hand in mine, we walked through the mall. Not saying a word. Just feeling the warmth in our grasps. I tried sending my feelings for her via emotional vibes, which coincided with the beats of my heart, through the physical link we shared. And wishing it would be returned with similar feelings of her own. As I do so, I felt her fingers tightened their grip on mine. I turned to look at her, and what I saw made me smile."

"Look at yourself."

"Just choose one, for God's sake."

"Do you guys even understand the effin' situation? There are options but there's nothing to choose. Which part of desirable yet unavailable options do you all NOT understand?!"

"He has made his move. They did not respond the way he would have liked."

"It's not like we expected any positive responses anyway."

"So what are we to do now?"

"Maybe I am meant to not have anyone special. You know, like how some people die before they find their other half? I could be one of those."

"Bollocks. You can't be giving up now, can you?"

"It's out of our hands. We can't do anything about it, and they don't look like they'll leave the comfort they currently enjoy. And why should they, if it's for someone like us?"

"He knows it all too well. Don't rub it in."

"This is all effin' bullshit."

"Carl's Jr. We had her favourite beef chilli cheese fries, and I tried the Super Star a friend recommended. She laughed when she saw how much I ate. Heck, I'm not going to pretend in front of her. My belly is too prominent to be disguised and the food's just too damn good."

"Let's see...two Action Base 1, Gundam 00 marker set, Avalanche Exia, Guren Royal Coating...I wonder if 00 Gundam would be out by then. Probably need a few hundred bucks for all these."

"What is it with people who won't walk out of relationships even though it's not there anymore? Says she doesn't feel it anymore but still tells him I love you. Boyfriend literally abandons her but still tells everyone she's in a relationship. Knows he is seeing two girls besides her but still makes plan of getting hitched with him. HULLO?!"

"Forget it and move on. It can be done."

"This emptiness clenches my heart like cold vice. I suppose that doesn't make sense because there's only a void where my heart once was."

"Allie? Honey? Emma? Or what's-her name? Which one will it be?"

"It's definitely....maybe."

"It will all depend on the 11th. That would be the moment of truth."

"When he holds you close, when he pulls you near, when he says the words you've been needing to hear I'll wish I was him because those words those are mine to say to you until the ends of time..."

"It was time to go home. I was reluctant to let her go simply because I don't know when we'll meet again. If we'll ever meet again. Three times in six years does not do justice to the feelings I have for her. Not when I want her to be with me by my side for as long as we both live."

"Z-01 Lancelot. Marching Ever Onward Towards Tomorrow."

"You are my first; that will never change. The feelings I professed all those years ago are still here, and they are for you. They will always be for you. Always."

"There was never a need to choose, you effin' arsehole. You knew the answer to the question all along. You effin' arse."

"He's gotta stop making these impossible choices."

"But how do we know if she knows? She might just end up being oblivious, just like the rest of them."

"Devotion is a beautiful thing often abused."

"Maybe it's just me, but couldn't you believe that everything I said and did wasn't just deceiving? And the tear in your eye, and your calm, hard face makes me wish that I was never brought into this place."

"You know, love, that despite our exploits with other people, I still hope that we do end up with each other in the end."

"I love you, she said. And then I told her, I love you too."

"Those three words really mean a lot to me. Thank you."

"As it does to me when I said it to you. And I still have that smile on my face."