My name is David, Iím a gay, 18 year old male. When I was ten or eleven years old, I was molested by a friend who was a few years older than me, he was also male. Over the course of a year or so, he jacked me off, I jacked him off, he put me in his mouth, dry humped me and once he tried to penetrate me. Before any of this, I had no idea what sex was. He took advantage of a younger kid, obviously, and I have felt the effects of this. I hate him for what he did to me, but mostly I hate him for acting as if there is something wrong with me because I am now gay, years later. Recently, I have been doing counseling with my sister, after trying more than ten professional counselors. This seems to work best, however, we seem to have hit a brick wall. Looks like we need some help. My sister seems to think that the molestation is the reason that I like older men, use drugs, and used to cut myself. I feel that there is nothing wrong with dating older men, however, I could have gone about things in the past in a different manner in order not to get hurt. I have, recently met up with older guys from the internet only to be crushed. I use drugs spiritually and feel that things such as marijuana and mushrooms were put here for our use. One of my plans is to take a good dosage of mushrooms and have a counseling session with my sister. The cutting, however, was bad and I hope to never cut myself again. Anyway, I would like to see if any of you guys could help me to live a happier lifeÖ

-David

This is Davidís sister, and has asked me to add something to help everyone understand the situation. Before I do, however, I want to clarify that I am in no way trying to butt in on what goes on here with my brother. I want him to find the right path for himself, but I hope that in doing so he can work through his emotional trauma from his abuse and, like he said, live a healthy, happy life. He asked me to add my two cents in this first post, so I am going to do so. I am 25 and my brother is newly 18 and legal. For the past 5 years I have known that something was wrong. He was raised in a rather average two-parent, middle class household. I was much older than him so we didnít hang out much. But in January 2008 I remember him calling me to tell me that he was a bi-sexual atheist, and that he wanted to know more about certain psychedelic drugs (I donít use drugs, but I majored in nursing in college and he wanted my perspective on how they affected the body). I was pretty shocked by that phone call, because my little brother had always been a pretty main-stream kid before that time. Then over the years I saw him completely melt down. He started with smoking weed, and then it was acid and shrooms and other things that I had never even heard of before. He decided he was an expert on drugs and could do whatever he wanted without getting hurt (although he is quite intelligent) and based this on all the information he found on the internet. At the same time he started dressing gothic/emo and cutting himself. It spiraled so out of control that two years ago he was hospitalized for an overdose on some kind of hallucinogenic herbal tea. Then he went into an inpatient drug rehab program for teens for about a month or so. He was put on juvenile probation and spent time in jail. All this from a kid who a few years before was cuddly, loving, and so incredibly intelligent, but above all TYPICAL. My family and I could come up with no explanation about his sudden spiral into destruction. Then one day my mom had a child of a family friend over because she was cutting his hair. The kid apparently (I was not there) verbally attacked my brother about being gayÖcalling him horrible names and going on and on about how disgusting he was. My brother finally lost it and told my family how he had been sexually abused by this person six years prior. Now, I donít want to give away his details, but if 0 is personal, private masturbation and 10 is rape, his experiences were, in my opinion, a strong 9. Since that time (in a very tiny nutshell) he has lived in a group home as a ward of the state where he had 24/7 help for his sexual abuse and drug issues. He was released in June of last year and nothing has changed. He meets 40+ year old men online, then sneaks out of our house so that he can meet them for sex. He puts all of his emotion into it, to the point of saying he is going to move out and run away with one of these men, and then when they come to pick him up they just have (unprotected) sex with him and leave. I think that he would be in a relationship with ANYONE who would have him (even if it was a horrible relationship where he was treated like trash). He has an obsessive relationship with drugs, to the point that he acts like an addict and flips out when he doesnít have access to them. Our home (my boyfriend and I recently moved in with my parents while we look for a new home to purchase in the area after selling our old one) has been a violent, unpredictable place for YEARS. David has even gone so far as to physically assault my parents after getting caught sneaking out one night to meet up with a stranger for sex. He wound up getting away and having sex with the man anyway, only to find out later that the guy didnít want anything to do with him anymore and had a boyfriend. My brother was CRUSHED because he thought that he was going to leave and go live with this guy. I love my brother so much, and I would do ANYTHING for him. I am not explaining this situation very well, but I know that my brother was sexually abused from the ages of 10-12/13 by an older teen (whom we considered a friend at the time) and then he totally changed and became angry, turned his back on God and became completely self destructive with both sex and drugs, as well as self mutilation (his arms and legs have massive scars all over them that I donít think even skin grafts could ever fix). Meanwhile, these older men have started to blog about us online about how we are bigots (so untrue, we donít care if David is gay, we just want him to be HAPPY and not go down a path that leads to nothing but the opposite) and how we keep him locked up in our basement. We have even had some threaten us through text messages when we block their numbers. Itís all so ridiculous. My brother and I have made a lot of headway on his issues, but we are still stuck at this point where we canít really work on what happened to him as a kid. He says he doesnít remember it, which I think is probably true, but I feel like he needs to break through and experience those emotions that have been tucked away for so long, and I donít know how to help him. All I know is that I really believe that the path he is on right now will do nothing more than leave him either dead or with a horrible life. He is 18 and doesnít have a license or a job, doesnít care about school, is obsessed with drugs and these older men from the internet and gauging his ears. He doesnít think there is anything wrong with any of his behavior and will fight us tooth and nail when we tell him that we are worried and donít want to see him make these mistakes and ruin his life. I have to take him for an HIV test soon, and he still doesnít seem to think that it is any big deal that he chooses old gay predatory men from the internet to be his life partner and invests himself in them completely before he even meets them. He lives and dies by the idea that somewhere there is an old man waiting to sweep him off his feet and they will life happily ever after. I am so incredibly frustrated because just as soon as I think David is starting to ďget itĒ he completely backslides and entrenches himself in his belief that all his decisions are good and the rest of us just donít understand or are mean. I know that I rambled through this, but I always feel so exasperated because so much has gone on. Please help us.

A big, strong welcome to MaleSurvivor: this place has a ton of experience, resources, and understanding from guys who share similar stories and paths.

Make use of what you find here and know it is a very safe place.

As for me, I was abused pretty young and introduced to sex with older males between the ages of 9-12. This damaged my ability to find happiness, real relationships, and sexuality that empowered me and wasn't connected to shame or rejection or anger.

I did a LOT of acting out with alcohol and sex to try to escape a deep inner pain, strong sense of sadness and loss, not to mention anger, and search need for affirmation and power.

I have found positive, sustainable ways to live without resorting to destructive habits that were slowly destroying me.

You are fortunate to be so young and facing this: it is hard, but it DOES PAY OFF. Keep moving forward and being honest with yourself and you will become a better man, partner, and human being because of it.

Again, welcome!

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

There's a lot here to unpack. But first, welcome to MS, David. As we say, we hate that you need us, but we're glad that you found us.

2nd: Stephanie, it is not appropriate for you to post here. I understand you feel like you were giving us an overview of the situation, but this forum is for male survivors only. There's a Friends & Family forum for you and other concerned loved ones to post at, but here -- this is just for us.

3rd: Just as a friendly suggestion: you need to separate your thoughts into paragraphs no more than 5 lines long if you want people to read something long without going cross-eyed. Hit the return key every now and then; it is your friend.

4th: David: try to wear a rubber band around your wrist to snap it if you feel like cutting or hurting yourself. I've been down that road and the rubber band helps a lot.

5th: Shopping for a good therapist is always tough. Goodness knows we have all had experiences with bad T's, but going through 10 T's without finding a good one seems like a red flag, and relying on your sister's help, while it's good that you've had that as a fall-back measure, is not good for long-term healing and growth. Why can't you find a T that you trust?

There's more that comes to mind, but I'll stop there for now. I think Goal #1 for David should be to find at T outside your family to talk to. It's clear that your family loves you very much and is trying to be supportive, but something has happened that has caused them to be a little *too* protective and it could be hurting your recovery...

Of course, if you are hurting yourself, stoned all the time, and engaging in dangerous unprotected sex, then your family has every reason to be ultra-protective of you... so the cycle continues.

Therefore, the goal should be to dial back the behaviors that concern your family the most, so that you can get them off your back about some of the other stuff.

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