Friday, May 29, 2009

Sitting here on a beautiful sunny Friday afternoon with less than one hour to go before quitin' time.

*bzzzzz* goes the cell phone

A new text message. FROM THE EX.

he: Whatchadoin?*blink blink**blink blink*

I look around like the candid camera is going to jump out from around the corner.

me: I think you sent this it the wong person

Because really, "whatchadoin?" in a text message to the woman that you didn't have the decency to have any further discussion or parting conversation with after you broke up with her is really the nice casual tone to take if for some reason you feel the need to get in contact with her again?

he: Really?me: So you meant to send that to me.... S?he: Absolutely!me: That is very randomhe: So my question....whatchadoin?Again...really? whatchadoin? And my dumb ass answers. I have so little self control sometimes.

me: workinghe: I miss you much!*crack* *phone leaping out of hand and flying to the desk surface like it was on fire*

*blink blink* staring at said on fire phone as it sits face up on my desk with those words trying to burn my eyeballs.

I'm still staring at it. I don't know what to do. I know what I should do. I should just let that hang there because REALLY? I'm kind of pissed off. I'm a lot pissed off. I'm going to let those words hang there. I'm going to let him feel like I felt when he asked me to call him back and he never answered...and never called me back.

At least that is what I will do for as long as I can while hoping that I don't break down and says someth...

Crap.

It just *bzzzzz* again. (yes, this is a real time blog writing)

he: Ooohkay.... when is your graduation?Ok, come on guys...you can come out now. Ha ha... very funny... make S think she is in the Twilight Zone rather than sitting at her desk waiting for 5pm. You can come out now...and who ever set this up, really, I won't be mad...

Lots of deep thoughts and revelations lately that I've been putting down on keyboard, before I post them out loud I'm sticking with completely not serious stuff that has popping into my head today.

First off TGIF!

Why do my ears turn into parabolic microphones (with amplifier) when it comes to people eating crunchy things or smacking while eating? Gaaawwwwwddd....

The pens at my doctors office, the ones that have anti-theft chopsticks attached, are drug company and HOTEL freebies. $ame doctor$ office where I no le$$ than 4 time$ had to $ign document$ $howing how aware I was of the cancellation and payment policie$

I have 34 days before leaving for vacation and need to shrink one size to fit into my warm weather clothes. That means 34 days of my trainer's dedication to the gym and cardio. I look ridiculous in my one pair of jeans and long sleeve tees everyday.... and I chose to spend money on the trainer rather than buying more clothes in a bigger size so I'm stuck until I make a difference. I keep forgetting to take my before pictures, but I need to do that soon so I can see some progress when I take the after.

Springtime, Cottonwood tress and lip gloss do no mix.

Why are the ladies at my nail salon so focused on whether or not I'm married yet?

And last but not least, some eye candy for a Friday:

A reason besides 24/7 flip flop wearing that have me convinced I need to live in Hawaii. I will run into him while he's visiting.

Ah...*slurp* Mr. DjimonHounsou. He looks just as hot with his clothes on and I lurve the little bit of grey that is showing up in his beard, but really, clothes are so over rated.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

I couple of years ago my BFF and I found what at the time were the ugliest shoes in the world. Since then, we relish in sharing new even uglier discoveries. So I shall share with you my latest discovery.

May I introduce you to the summer boot thong. (Does a peg really classify it as a thong?) Possible practical use as ankle brace protector.

And for those occasions when your summer booth thong requires a little bit of fancy.... it comes in *ta da* gold!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Slowly but surely cutting the ex out of my life, my space and my computer.

After a heavy morning with the counselor and really focusing on what it truly is that has caused me the most sadness over the last two years and what I really need to concentrate on getting past, I was able to cut away a few more pieces of the Ex and his presence in my life.

I hadn't been able to do some of this to this point, I just didn't feel ready to let all that go. It's time for some more baby steps.

It was a bit melancholy, but I didn't cry. *huge sigh of relief* Little things like deleting pictures from my phone, packed up a few things like college alma mater sweatshirt/t-shirts (no offense to anyone *uh hem New Girl*, but I'm not going to walk around with Oklahoma or OSU all over my chest when I no longer have a reason), deleted him as a contact on my Skype account. That one was harder than the rest, mostly because I noticed that he had 3 contacts on there when I use to be the only one ... mini gut check.

I don't know why I had hesitated to do some of these things before, maybe I could only handle so much change at a time.

Still haven't deleted him completely and I'm not sure I ever will. There are tons of pictures from our adventures and will be things that I do keep that he gave to me or have memories. But it felt like some progress and closer to really completely moving on.

Random weekend fun stuff....

I had an awesome weekend. The first in a long time where I was more than just going thru the motions. I was engaged and having a lot of fun. AND AND AND I was checking out guys. *whoo hoo* Went to the driving range with one of my best friends and after we spent a long afternoon with wine & cheese flights, great conversation and a trip to Tar-zhay.

I've seen it before, but it had been on TV... this weekend I saw up close and personal Golf Eye-Candy! You heard me right golf and eye-candy in the same sentence. Keep in mind that I live in the Pacific Northwest, so we haven't had much sun .... but still....

Thank you to public ranges that not only don't have a dress code, they don't even require clothes to be worn. ;-)

**parting thought** I wonder what this guy would think if he knew just to the right and cut out of the picture is my girlfriend who was fake posing for the picture so we could get a shot of him.... *giggle*

Monday, May 18, 2009

I wrote the following post last week, but didn't publish it. I hesitated because I was unsure if this is something I wanted to share or what I wanted my blog to be about. But hey, this is me and what I'm going thru right now so in addition to just random stuff I'm thinking of this is all a part of my journey in life. Maybe someone will read it and realize that there is someone else out there feeling some of the same things that they are. So here it goes.. my reality.

**

The T WordI knew I’d feel sad on Mother’s Day, but it hit me like a ton of bricks on Sunday AM. I had what I can only classify as a full on melt down. I recovered from it by the afternoon, but it was something heavier than anything I’ve felt since my mom passed and it scared the shit out of me. I do not want to get stuck in that place, I don’t want to visit that place ever again. That prompted me to make a phone call today. One that I’ve been contemplating since the summer of 2007 while my mom was still sick but as her prognoses was getting worse. One of my best friends had given me the card for the “mental health” group of doctors that she uses. She had asked her therapist to recommend any that specialize in grief counseling and gave it to me to have “just in case”. Just in case is right now, I’ve decided to go talk thru my life with a professional. I made an appointment with a therapist.

I struggled with this idea, not because I’m opposed to therapy or anything like that but because I felt like these are normal events that I should be able to handle. I have been handling it, so I thought, but maybe my way of handling it (aka trying to ignore painful things) just isn’t quite the right way to really be done with it. Sunday AM was so overwhelming that I started to think that maybe this isn’t normal and maybe I’m not processing the last two years worth of stuff in a productive way. I just don’t want to get stuck feeling this way.

** update**

I had my firs appointment today. I'm glad I went. Having never been thru a loss like this, it was reassuring to have someone tell me what I'm feeling is normal. Other than mentioning it happened, we didn't talk at all about the ex or ending of the relationship. She strictly focused for now on my grief and as she listened pointed out that I had had layers of grief building up and never got to deal with one layer before the next one was piled on and it's "kicking my butt". So for now, talking thru all of that so I can let it out and not let it sneak up on me in the future.

Daunting task, stuff I don't want to face because it hurts but I'm going to tackle it so I can move forward fresh.

Friday, May 15, 2009

First an foremost TGImuthafreainF! Amazingly enough, we're scheduled for sunshine this weekend and I can't wait to get out with the other bazillion locals who flock to the outdoors to catch some elusive rays on weekends like this.

I also start working with a personal trainer on Sunday. I've fallen off the wagon a bit and need a jump start before summer. If I'm paying and have to meet someone I won't come up with excuses. I'm considering taking before and after photos, but I'm scared of looking at the before!

On to my public service announcement.....

I'm not totally unaware that there are guidelines like this, but just like those nasty "what gross stuff is really in your hotel room" articles I'm left staring at the screen with big blinking eyeballs. O____O

Food companies don’t want you to know that your food can legally contain maggots. Sure, the FDA limits the amount of these and other appetite killers in your food, that but limit isn’t zero. The following allowances aren’t harmful to your health—but we can’t promise that the thought of them won’t make you sick.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

A friend of mine shares these "Daily Word" emails when she feels they are goodies. Here is the one she sent me today and I wanted to share. I think this is a great reminder and useful for everyone. I know I sure needed it. Keeping this perspective can be hard and I really needed the smack in the head this week.

Today's Daily Word - Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Starting Over

With a fresh outlook on my world, I make a new start in life.One change in my life may initiate nothing more than me making simple modifications. Another change may lead to an incredible transformation for me.

It's those life-changing events that may cause me to feel as if I'm starting over. And that is okay, because a new start holds the promise of my greater good. I consider each day a golden opportunity for me to have a fresh outlook on my world.

I may be going out on my own or coming together with others in a new family. I may be starting a career or making a career change. No matter what the situation or timing of it, God is my constant companion, and with God, I am always making progress.

"All of us, with unveiled faces, seeing the glory of the Lord as though reflected in a mirror, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another; for this comes from the Lord, the Spirit."--2 Corinthians 3:18

Monday, May 11, 2009

Disappointment
Matthew did NOT take his shirt off in Ghost of Girlfriends Past. I thought it was part of his movie contracts. Damn shame. The movie was cute and I had a good time with Best Guy Friend, but really it can wait for video if you don’t HAVE to see it in the theater.

Little boys and the games they playThe Ex called on Friday. I hadn’t heard from him since the breakup day a little over a month ago. Instead of looking at the phone like it was on fire with the devil and then promptly flinging it out the window (suggested reaction of my girlfriends) my little fingers were drawn to that sucker like a magnet and I answered. It was about 3:30 and I was at work. Here it goes.

Friday, May 8, 2009

You know, there's nothing like a really good dude friend to help get a perspective on things after a break up. Well, that, and it's good to hear some positive feel good stuff from a guy you trust won't break your heart. Disclaimer: This sure does not overshadow or take the place of the girlfriends, it's just a different perspective that adds to the healing power of friendship.

Best guy friend: I've really been thinking about this, a lot. Trying to figure out why a guy would end things like that or why this happened at all. You know S, he just wasn't ready for his blessings.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

That boom boom boom….get that boom boom boom.... I’m addicted to the new Black Eyed Peas song “Boom Boom Pow”. I can listen to it over and over and over and I can’t help but do even a little baby bit of dancing when I hear it. I may look like I’ve got a twitch but if folks could only see how I’m getting down on the inside they would be muy impressed. The addition started in a Zumba class at the gym. What a great get sweaty song.

On to my wasted night:

Real Housewives of New York season finale. Watched it 16 year old style with the best friend on the phone, and since it was a finale we threw in some *hiccup* bubbly instead of wine. Have I ever mentioned on here that I love *hiccup* champagne?

This show gives me an outlet to be catty with no shame or guilt. Snarky comments are all I really have to share about it. I know that some of you watch as well. I’d love to hear your remarks. Do it do it, let the claws come out and let me know who drives you nuts and why!

Here is mine:

I’m sorry, but really? Alex, can you please wear a bra. I understand that at some point in your life you got to reap the benefits of a smaller chest and didn’t HAVE to wear a bra. Those days are gone. You have had kids and even small breasts can *gasp* droop. Oh gaaawwd, and then the parting shot; a freeze frame of the full on party hats. Thanks Bravo. I’m not even going to touch on what her husband wore, I finally managed to get the image out of my head.

I consider any day that I don’t want to curse or cry on my blog a good day…. So random stuff was fun!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I could hurt someone with this thing.... like make them want to poke their eyes out.

So do you ever go back and read one of your posts and think "who wrote that"?

That's how I feel about what I posted yesterday. What a difference a day makes, huh.

I was having a mini-melt down day that carried over into this morning. Thankfully a cup of coffee and a dose of allergy med. with sudafed and I feel almost like a new person.

And I forgot to mention that I was also feeling like a horrible pet mom because my furball was at the vet yesterday, under anesthesia, and the vet was being a dick and I was worried.

I almost took the post down, but why? Isn't that what writing journals or blogging is all about, keeping a record of this stuff. And it is truly how I was feeling, and I do have those issues and heart break to deal with so it stays recorded for the world to see. The good, the bad and the unimportant drivel.

I feel like combining a couple of sitcom theme songs... "You take the good you take the bad you take them both and there you have the facts of life.... one day at a tiiii-iii-iiii-ime...."

Monday, May 4, 2009

What a crazy release this post was turning into. I'm going to break it into bits, for my own sanity and anyone who reads this.

It hit me full on today, I have to face it... the hurt and pain that I'm feeling right now is way beyond relationship stuff. That is a large chunk of it and the big fat straw that broke the camels back. My relationship was a happy distraction for me, now that's gone and I've got over two years worth of hurt and loss and things falling apart that I haven't fully dealt with either. All stored up and it's really kicking my ass. I knew it was lurking but either over estimated my ability to keep it squashed away or underestimated the effect it really had on me. I feel like I have about zero coping skills today.

The catalyst:

My heart ripped in two and fell on the floor today when I was reading another bloggers writings about the loss of her dad. She was saying so many things that I had felt but never fully expressed when I lost my mom.

My mom died from breast cancer in October of 2007. I miss her. It just so happens to be the week of Mother's Day. *oh wait.. connection?* Funny how I often miss these obvious connections when I'm trying to figure out why I'm feeling not quite myself.

This is why I wanted to start blogging. I need to tell this stuff to someone because keeping it inside just doesn't work for me anymore. I haven't been keeping it inside because it is a secret, it's because that is the default way I deal with painful things. I don't like to hurt (duh, who does) so my mind does tricky little things to make me feel OK for the moment. I come up with tons of distractions. That works temporarily, while the rest of the mess is shoved into some little black box hopefully forgotten. Oh, I let bits and pieces out. Enough to make me feel like I'm actually dealing with and processing whatever it is that's going on. I doubt I'm fooling anyone but myself. My friends keep their eyeballz on me making sure I'm OK thru the tough stuff and ALWAYS making it known that I am loved and supported. I think one suspects I'm a Fembot because I don't cry in front of her enough. *?* Yes, "I'm fine", is what I tell them. Which I really am. I'm not sick, I'm not in the hospital, I'm not in danger. I do have a lot to be thankful for and have had many many blessing in my life. I'm just going thru some of the rough parts.

The truth is, I've been afraid that I'm not going to be able to keep all that shit in the black box right where it belongs. Not only that, recent events have given me even more shit to shove in there. I don't want to deal with it! I know I will have to so I can really feel better permanent style. So I stand strong (more on the outside than the inside), I do what I need to do, work, school, family, friends and pray to God that I don't lose faith while I figure out a way to deal with this all in manageable bits.

Thank you bloggers for sharing your stories... the funny, the ranting & venting, the hurt and progress. Even before I started blogging myself, I thought this a really great forum for people to share and learn from each others experiences.

I was tagged by Melissa at New Girl on Post… my first inclusion in a “bloggy” thing. Give it my best shot, just now sure who I’m going to tag!

8 Things I Look Forward To...#1.) Successfully getting my pet home from the vet tonight#2.) Dinner with my dad this weekend#3.) 4 Day Memorial Day weekend with my family#4.) Golf clinic in June#5.) Overdue vacation to visit my BF for the 4th of July (the entire week!)#6.) Being done with ALL school, entrance exams included#7.) Passing the CPA exam#8.) Being done with the old relationship – clear head – completely let go & moved on

8 Things I Did Yesterday

Why yesterday? It was the most do nothing day I've had in weeks.

#1.) Slept in#2.) Watched movies#3.) Took a nap#4.) Cleaned the house#5.) Went out for a drive#6.) Grocery shopping#7.) Chatted on the phone a bit#8.) Ate Oreos

Here's the rules, just in case you want to follow them:1) Mention the name of the person who tagged you.2) Do the lists of 8.3) Tag 8 bloggers of your choice.4) Let them know that they have been tagged!

I tag:This is a hard one, I don’t know many bloggers! I'll do better next time.1. 2.3.4.5.