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Create an infomercial, to be aired late at night. The product: a workout system for alcoholics.

The alcoholics then order the system while they are schnockered, with no recollection of having done so. The purchase will be reflected on their bank statements as ‘Alcohol Store.’

Eight to ten business days later: the alcoholic receives a package in the mail, informing them they have won a free prize—a hot, chiseled body.

The alcoholic, in its drunken state, will be horny, and want to possess a hot, chiseled body, so that it will attract people that like hot, chiseled bodies.

The package contains several videos, none of which name my company.

The first video instructs the alcoholic to hit pause, and get black-out drunk, then proceed with the program—a ploy that will work perfectly, because alcoholics, by their very nature, love to get black-out-drunk.

Once the alcoholic is black-out drunk, the video descends into a parade of nothing, basically—footage of cats playing with yarn, black and white photos of weddings that occurred in the 1930s, spliced with actual workout scenes, in the event that the alcoholic experiences a moment of coherence.

The VHS tapes will be engineered to unspool after 30 minutes of viewing. The DVDs also have a built-in destruction mechanism: they look like coasters. After repeated poundings from Steel Reserve tall boys, those discs will be useless within the week. The tapes and discs are thrown away and soon forgotten.

Since they are under the impression that the videos were a free prize, and the only record of any purchases are attributed to the ‘Alcohol Store,’ as the infomercials continue to air, money continues to flow down from the alcoholic to me, in a textbook case of the trickle-down economy in action. And it’s good for the alcoholic: the more times they purchase my system, the less money they will have to abuse alcohol.

The folks over at Upworthy love to bait people. They’re masters of the practice. They are baiting masters. Me, I’ve never fell for the ploy. Still, their talent for baiting cannot be ignored. Upworthy is wildly popular, and it is taking over my Facebook feed. I want a piece of the cheese.

I can bait with the best of ’em. When you read these headlines I’ve created, your life will change. Even more than after reading an Upworthy article:

—This woman just bought her eighth cat. Think she cray? There’s just one problem: the cats are the only thing keeping her from committing suicide. Now you’re the dick for judging her.

—This teenage dropout is a loser who will never amount to anything. Except that he isn’t a loser, and he will amount to everything.

—A woman grew out her leg hair for her dying husband. As it turns out, she was the one who died. But not because of the reasons you think.

—One man didn’t flush his toilet for 23 years. When you find out why, you will accept gay marriage.

—You’ve probably never shit your pants. Read this. Now look in your pants. They’re full of shit. Find out how.

—A blind owl stole his owner’s wallet and proved that money isn’t everything. It’s just one thing. Find out what.

—A tween changes an entire junior high’s view of body image stereotypes. Click to find out how she lives without lungs, bones, or an endocrine system.

—This man found something in his beard. Something that will make you weep with joy. And horniness.

—One racist educator who lived a life of privilege goes through a series of tragic events and finds herself teaching a classroom full of inner city youth. My jaw dropped when it didn’t involve rap music.

—This video proves that free will exists. Watch it.

—The media tells us to look like Hollywood celebrities. This morbidly obese woman isn’t having it—she shows us why it’s okay to gorge on fast food and not exercise and then get angry when a thin person who works out and eats vegetables is complimented.

—He escaped a life in porn. But he went back, because it was better than normal life. We don’t need to tell you why.

—This pedophile was able to re-imprint his sexual attractions. By working overnights at the zoo. By working overnights alone at the zoo. By working overnights alone cleaning the monkey cages at the zoo. By working overnights alone cleaning the monkey cages with the security cameras turned off at the zoo. By working overnights alone cleaning the monkey cages with the security cameras turned off at the zoo and do we still need to be doing this? Don’t you get it? He’s having sex with the monkeys. Don’t bother reading the article. You will learn NOTHING. You will forget about it before you’ve finished reading it. New headline: Upworthy writer blows his brains out. You won’t believe why (I was saving this one for when I quit).

A few weeks back, I was in need of blue paint. I was attending a party, you see, and certain parameters of that gathering required me to look like a member of the Blue Man Group.

To Hobby Lobby I went. In the art section, I asked a woman whose name I forget, probably Ruth or Mahalath or something religious, what I could use to paint my head blue. She then quoth Leviticus, chapter 19, verse 28: ‘Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves.’

I told her I was simply painting my dome, not tattooing it. She then reached out and touched the hem of my garment, and again, quoted Leviticus, chapter 19, verse 19. The exchange went as follows:

Hobby Lobby Lady: ‘Do not mate different kinds of animals.’

Me: ‘I don’t.’

HLL: ‘Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed.’

Me: ‘I don’t.’

HLL: ‘Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material.’

She had me there, for I was wearing a shirt composed of 60% cotton, and 40% polyester.

Me: ‘Are you going to help me find the paint or not?’

HLL: ‘I do not work here.’

Once again, she had me. So I asked a woman that actually did work there where I could find the paint I needed. She didn’t know. After some looking, I eventually found some blue tempura paint that met my needs exactly.

So, Hobby Lobby, it is my opinion that you should invest more in your employees, particularly on training them in knowledge of paint.