Tuesday 10 March 2009 20.01 EDT
First published on Tuesday 10 March 2009 20.01 EDT

I know that Gavin & Stacey is the most universally adored show ever, it's won every award going, and its stars are now national treasures. It's so warm, people say. People are fools, though. Warm isn't enough; a comedy needs to be funny. G&S isn't; it's schmaltzy, unsurprising and lame. And, as my wise and knowledgeable friend Gareth McLean has pointed out, far inferior to the inexplicably pulled Pulling (he adds, pathetically attempting to drag a colleague into the volley of abuse that is inevitably on its way).

So Horne & Corden (BBC3), a sketch show by G&S stars Mathew Horne and James Corden, was never really going to be my thing. But I wasn't prepared for quite how awful it is. There's a bit in front of a live studio audience in which C jumps around a lot and yelps like an excitable bulldog puppy. The BBC has given them their own show, that's what he's so chuffed about.

Well, the BBC is an ass to have done so, as you and H demonstrate over the next half an hour.

There's a sketch about a gay war reporter, a cock-drawing class in a boys' school, Spiderman and Batman meet in the changing rooms, a bloke takes for ever to reach orgasm. Clever, see? It's crude, but that's not the problem; crude can be funny. Not here, though, because of how artlessly it's done.

It looks as if they've just thought of these comedy situations, and then not really known how to fill them in. Never has a three-minute sketch felt so long, and the joke inevitably comes down to the fact that James Corden is fat and is happy to show us his wobbly bits. Or one of them gets his arse out.

There's a clue to the problem in the credits: written and performed by James Corden and Mathew Horne. I think these two are performers - not bad ones, especially H - but not writers.

It's a common misconception of actors - that they can write, too. It's why Peep Show was good and That Mitchell and Webb Look wasn't (though H&C make M&W look like the Brontë sisters, all three of them). They get a bit famous, it goes to their head and they think, wey hey, we can do it all. But, weh hey, they can't.

I'm sure there are more exceptions (Gervais? Baron Cohen?) to my theory than examples, but I'm just looking for an excuse for these two, really. Because Horne & Corden isn't just bad, it actually made me feel a bit depressed. Enough said.

I watched Horizon (BBC2) to learn what to do in an emergency. A man called Ed, a leading evacuation expert, is on hand to help. As soon as Ed checks into a hotel, he's thinking about how he can get out of it. That's why he'll never take a room above the sixth floor, because the fire-brigade's ladders don't normally go any higher.

- Congratulations, Sir, the top-floor penthouse suite with panoramic views and private rooftop hot-tub is unoccupied and you've won a free upgrade!

- Erm, no thank you very much, that won't be necessary. I'll stick with the standard on the first floor. Safety first!

And then, when he gets in to his room, guess what Ed does? Does he make love to Mrs Ed, spontaneously and passionately, like they used to in the old days, before hopping into the bath together, filling it with all the bottles of free products and flicking peanuts from the minibar into each other's mouths? Oh no. He doesn't do any of that. Instead, he unpacks his smoke mask, and puts it beside the bed, just as he has it at home. "When I first took the smoke hood home and suggested to my wife that she needs to practise putting this thing on, she thought I was crazy," he says. But he showed her some of his computer models demonstrating how rapidly fire can spread - it must be exciting, being married to Ed - and now she can put it on in 30 seconds.

Anyway, back to the hotel. Ed tests out the escape routes, counting the number of doors along the corridor to the emergency staircase, and then walks the route all the way to the ground, so he'll know exactly where to go if it's dark and smoky.

"I don't want to have to discover this route for the first time during an emergency situation ... "