A blog about internal insights that are mostly improv related.

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Christmas is when decisions are made.

Four year’s ago I mentally made the decision that I wanted to marry Kevin, and that’s when he made the decision that he wanted to marry me. That’s not when it happened of course.

That’s merely when we made the decision that this is where our lives were headed. This is when we officially became a couple.

I fell madly in love with him, and I wanted to be his wife. He fell madly in love with me.

That’s when we started making sacrifices for each other. If this was something we mutually wanted to do, then sacrifices had to be made. I lived a 1000 miles away.

He made it a point to start visiting me in Texas, and I emotionally decided that my time in Texas was over. I decided that the next step was to move to Chicago, and become his wife.

Then we both started getting visions of a son, and that put the course into action.

We got married May 26th, of 2013. Of course we could never decide do something like that without the full support of our family. They are the ones that paid for the wedding. Of course it was a very modest wedding, but even modest weddings cost money.

It wasn’t supposed to be as modest as it was. More people were invited who chose not to come. Perhaps they assumed I was in trouble. That was certainly not the case, I wanted to be married first. I had an old fashioned notion that people should be married first before they started trying to have children, and we were already quite old. We really wanted to have this child, and we both wanted to be married first.

I wanted to have a book full of pictures for Joren to look through when he got older, and I wanted to see how happy both his parents were. Despite the lack of attendance, we both looked very happy and the people who decided to come made up for it. We completely captured what the essence of what “Chapel of the Pines” was all about. We even had our pictures taken later that day with one of Kevin’s favorite idols, William Shatner. He just happened to be in town, and I had the idea to go over there in our wedding clothes. It was an afternoon reception, so it was over by that time.

At the end of the day though, it was quite clear that our decision was not supported except by the people who paid for the wedding. It put quite a damper on our wedding night. We were all alone in a fancy hotel room, and I just felt like crying. We instead just decided to drink the champagne and eat the chocolates that the hotel left out for us.

The day after that is when all the horrors started. Kevin’s deceased wife’s family was very upset they were not told about the wedding, but they were not told because Kevin wanted to emotionally protect them. I respected his wishes and I kept all the wedding plans off of Facebook. Unfortunately, I could not stop friends from posting pictures of the actual wedding. I am glad they did, because these are the only pictures I have of it. No one ever gave me any high resolution copies. That’s why we don’t have a big picture of us.

The Jewish mourning process takes about a year, and they were still in mourning. In fact, there was even something they had to do together in regards to that and he could have told them in person at that time, but he did not. It had to do with the laying of the headstone.

Was this the red flag that I missed? Was it a red flag that Kevin was simply emotionally unable to tell his deceased wife’s family that he decided to get married?

Then Kevin forgot to ask his closest friends and family to stand up at the wedding. I did not find this out until we were driving to Chicago from Texas after he picked me up. This was all taken care of, of course. Instead of renting tuxes, we bought tuxes from Burlington Coat factory and we paid for his friend’s tuxes. There was no other way.

This was definitely a red flag, but the wedding was already paid for. My aunt paid for the venue and Kevin’s parents already paid for the reception. They both really wanted this wedding to happen the day it was meant to happen, and it happened.

Kevin and I stuck by our decision that this was indeed the day to do it. I did not get pregnant until a year later though. Kevin forgot to add me to his insurance plan so we had to put our baby plans on hold, and the day I was officially on his insurance plan was the day I got pregnant with Joren.

However let’s back up. Kevin and I were really proud of our decision to be a couple Christmas of 2012, and we both loved to write and even make videos. I think our whole trip to Florida was documented, it was to go to my cousin’s wedding. That too, was also paid for by my aunt. We just had to pay for our hotel room, she actually gave us the gas money.

When he posted on Facebook about how much he loved me, he was immediately shut down by everyone. I posted on Facebook, and I too was shut down by everyone. The nasty IM’s just kept coming in. This had a lot to do with Kevin’s decision to not tell his deceased wife’s family that he planned to get married so soon. He removed the Facebook posts.

However, as artists it kind of broke us. This is the first time we were not allowed to fully express ourselves. Kevin was not allowed to write about his love for me, and I was not allowed to have his back. Even though I was a friend of Kevin’s deceased wife and understood the situation better than they did, no one wanted to hear anything from me. They found it to be quite disrespectful.

And even though I am writing this particular blog at a surface level of consciousness, it should be known that I am a psychic-medium and that I was getting messages from Laura. (A stream of conscious blog is written at many different levels of consciousness, but it’s confusing to mix different levels of consciousness in the same blog. The message will be completely lost.)

Laura’s family never heard the messages that Laura wanted delivered to them. I can’t give the messages to them now, because I forgot what they were. We also sent Laura to the light last August of 2016, so I won’t be getting anymore messages from her. She is at peace.

Regardless of how complex the Jewish ceremonies are, it wasn’t enough to get Laura to go to the light. I had to connect directly to source to get her to go. She really didn’t want to go, but Kevin and I finally talked her into it. It took over a couple of hours, and since I was in a deep state of meditation that was quite a long time.

Writing and making videos was also how Kevin mourned, and he wasn’t allowed to do that either. We kept getting, “Out of respect for our family, please stop posting about Laura on Facebook.” Kevin was not allowed to mourn for his deceased wife in the only way that he knew how. He’s very introverted, and that’s how he expresses himself. He expresses himself through writing and making videos.

After we got married, it got a 100 times worse. Then his friends also joined in. I could not write about any of it. I had to keep my feelings buried deep inside, and so did Kevin. We thought we could fight all this, but we were wrong.

I did keep a surface level blog up until the point I married Kevin, it was more academic. I completely stopped writing that blog. For a little while when we were dating, Kevin decided to counter me with his own blog. He stopped doing that as well. We did confide in each other, but that wasn’t enough. We were completely isolated.

My aunt turned on me about a year ago. It was right after my son’s baptism. She had also gotten news that she had Uterine Cancer around that time, and it caused her to mentally break down. She stayed uninvited and unwelcome for an entire week. She also insisted on cleaning up our storage room against our wishes. Kevin kept saying he was going to move it all to a storage unit, but it was always the “last thing to do” list.

She was very offended the room wasn’t cleaned out for her, and she took it out on us. Cleaning is also a way to mask snooping. She found all the Christmas presents from Kevin’s family, and it deeply hurt her. Also, my cousin’s marriage failed around this time. This is her son. This is the wedding that Kevin and I attended around Christmas of 2012.

My cousin was living at home and my aunt kept thinking of any excuse to get away because he wasn’t being very respectful of her. He kind of had an emotional meltdown, and he took it out on everyone around him. She even considered getting her own apartment.

I was also sick, and I was kind of acting like I had cancer myself. To be clear though, as far as that week was concerned it was a chemical pregnancy that was making me so sick. The condom broke that month. I couldn’t tell her that. She was just screaming over me, as I lied there so sick. She wouldn’t leave. She involved my mom in all of this, and that’s when I decided it was time to stand up for myself. Needless to say, she didn’t take it very well.

I don’t really want to get into all my family drama here. Let’s just say that the next actions she took are so bad that they are completely unforgivable. I will never forgive her. She will not stop until Kevin and I are officially separated.

The year before that there were major happenings with the Albert family, at Christmas. He tragically lost both his grandparents in the same month, Christmas of 2014. I was very pregnant with Joren. We knew about all the problems and I kept telling Kevin to quit his job to move up there to help out. I hated Chicago and had no desire to live in this area anyway. I had just started at iO, and I didn’t feel that attached to it. I had also not learned to connect to Source yet, and Traverse City is vacant of negative energy. It’s nice. It’s a very peaceful place. His parents really didn’t want any help though, so that never happened. That being said, the death of both of her parents at the same time took a tragic toll on Kevin’s mother. She has become a very bitter woman ever since.

I also don’t think they liked the fact that we used the inheritance money to buy a townhouse. Since Kevin had a foreclosure, we had to find something that we could pay cash for. This certainly isn’t my first choice, but at the end of the day it was the only choice. I think his father might have preferred if we got an annuity and rented instead. That was his advice, but I can safely say that if he took his advice we would be shit up a creek. There is no way we can afford like $2000 a month in rent. We actually got a great deal on our home, and if we sold it today we would make money.

Even though we own our home outright, Kevin doesn’t even make enough money to pay for our humble expenses. Joren does have sensitivity issues and his food costs a lot of money. I am not currently working. The major problem is that our introductory rates to our credit cards expired. The interest is eating us alive. If we could just move that into a more manageable loan then we would be much better off, but like moving all the stuff in our storage room into actual storage, it is on Kevin’s “last thing to do” list. This has severed Kevin’s relationship with his family.

It’s not all daily expenses, $3000 of that was to pay for the windows. Now we are paying like 3o% interest on that money. It’s really quite bad. I really don’t know why my husband likes to make Capitol One so rich, but I guess he loves giving to the banks. That’s so much easier than taking some responsibility, right?

Kevin hates his job and he has wanted to quit for four years. Part of the reason why everything to do with his family is on “the last thing to do” list is because the list of things to do at Benedictine are overwhelming in comparison to his actual salary. He has been unofficially promoted several times, and he has not been compensated financially for it.

That was supposed to be the sacrifice he was willing to make for me. I sacrificed everything for him. I moved here from Texas. I quit my job at Groupon. I took care of Joren. Quitting his job at Benedictine was supposed to be his sacrifice. Even though there were three times where the issue was forced, he decided his job was more important. The first time was right after our wedding. The second time was when his grandfather fell ill. The third time was when I had to quit at Groupon. Yes I did have health issues, but they were willing to work with me. It’s not like I could do any other kind of job in my condition.

I mean, it was a stay at home position.

Kevin is just unwilling to make any sacrifices for me or his son, at all. It’s not just the way he clings onto his job, it’s the way he keeps putting important family issues on his “last thing to do list”. This can no longer continue.

Even my health concerns are on his “last thing to do” list.

As a cry of help, I decided to post something on Facebook. Kevin read over it first, and he told me to post it. I don’t post everything I write, because sometimes I just need to get it out of me. I have written so many unposted Facebook posts in the past four years. So many. I was hesitating. It was just up on my screen and he came home from work and read it over my shoulder. That’s when he told me to post it, and I did. I said I can simply copy and paste it into my google drive and then he physically was trying to press post.

His parents didn’t react very well to it. I was uninvited to Christmas. I have spent a lot of time alone thinking about things. I was alone for a few days.

Christmas seems to be when all of our decisions are made. It won’t happen today, or even tomorrow. But Christmas was when the decision was made.

I can’t make any more sacrifices. I am all used up. There is nothing more to give. If my writing is what is going to break up our marriage, then so be it. It’s my only saving grace in all of this. It’s the only way I can fight back. Let the entire world know.