Deep from the ranks of the “Hasn’t Been Relevant in Over a Decade” brigade comes former Presidential candidate Ross “Wow, I thought he died” Perot with a brilliant “Wait, What!?” for the first of October. Yahoo News Reporting:

Former presidential contender and billionaire Ross Perot is worried that America is a sitting duck for an unnamed foreign invader. In an interview for his new autobiography, Perot said the nation’s weak economy has left us open for a hostile takeover—and neither presidential candidate is the man to save the country.

Citing an impending fiscal cliff, Perot warned of disaster. “If we are that weak, just think of who wants to come here first and take us over,” the former CEO of info-tech company Perot Systems told USA Today on Monday.

“The last thing I ever want to see is our country taken over because we’re so financially weak, we can’t do anything,” Perot says.

Wait a second. What?

The United States almost outspends the rest of the world on defense. In 2012 we are spending roughly 1 trillion dollars on defense. Yes, that is “trillion” with a “t”. We have the strongest military force in the world by far. Yes, the deficit is a problem and political gridlock is preventing that problem from being solved currently, but does anyone think Washington is so partisan that they would let the country get invaded to avoid raising taxes on the rich? And who exactly are these unnamed invaders? China? Russia? North Korea? Keep inserting whatever nation you so desire, the answer for all of them is the same. “Not a chance in hell.” I know some on the far right are warily eying Canada, imagining that they can hear the Canucks sharpening up their ice skates in preparation for the invasion, sweeping over the border to force socialized medicine on all God-fearing Americans, but with global climate change they won’t have enough ice to reach the border. Perhaps Perot thinks we are facing an alien takeover? (From space, not Mexico.)

I demand full disclosure. Does Ross Perot have a medical marijuana card? Because I want some of whatever he is smoking.

Unless……
Yes, it is all so clear now! Perot is obviously talking about Mitt Romney and Bain! If he loses the election, they will initiate a leveraged buyout of the United States, and outsource the government to Chinese sweatshops! No wonder Perot isn’t naming names; he doesn’t want to be outsourced. It all makes perfect sense……

About the Author

Described as "intelligent but self-destructive," Foster Disbelief spent his twenties furiously attempting to waste his potential in a haze of religion and heroin. Science and atheism allowed him to escape his twin addictions and he now spends his days attempting to make the most of his three remaining brain cells.