Monday, August 18, 2014

Week 2 of preseason football and I'm already bitter. I'm a preseason junkie even though it means squat, just to have the soothing sight of a football game on my television screen. As I watched NFL Network this week, I can't help but be bombarded by the Monday night football ad:

To be fair, the analysts at NFL Network acknowledged that Hoyer will get the start during their endless hours of analyzing and speculation.

But let's be honest. RGIII vs Hoyer just doesn't have the same ring to it, does it?

And if I were to be really honest, I'd say I feel this way because I can't help but be skeptical of Johnny Football. Not of Johnny himself. I'm not questioning his talent. Heck, I'm not even questioning his tardiness to meetings, as I've been late to a few meetings in my life. But this is Cleveland, and though I'm cautiously optimistic, (probably more so about LeBron than Manziel), I've been bitter about Cleveland sports since the age of nine, and now it's ingrained into my Cleveland girl psyche. So, Johnny Football is going to have to at least get us to a playoff appearance before I'm moderately excited. But before that happens, I'd like to see what Brian Hoyer can do. We have unfinished business from last season.

Bitter AK, aka Alanna Klapp, is a freelance writer published in Moxie Lady, Strategy Magazine, She Just Writes, Lingk2us Magazine, Profiles in Diversity Journal, The Suburbanite, Hope for Women Magazine, and the Cuyahoga Falls Patch. She blogs at The Chipper Writer and FE Media's collection of parenting blogs at The FTM Chronicles. Follow her on Twitter @Bitter_AK, and follow Bitter Orange & Brown @BitterChicks.

Monday, December 30, 2013

It's hard enough being a parent. But to be a parent AND a Browns fan? That's an invitation to disaster.

Those of us who are moms and dads know we need to teach our kids to believe - that even though there are times in life when things go wrong, there is always hope. That if you keep on trying, at some point you will come out a winner and experience success. That you should never say never.

But if you and your family root for the Browns season after season with nothing to show for it and no progress in sight...you have to wonder just what your kids are learning during football season.

We all love to have our kids support the same sports teams as we do, giving us common ground and plenty of bonding opportunities. We cheer together when things are going well and scream together when it all goes wrong. When it goes wrong, there's always next season - right???

Browns parents don't get the chance to teach their kids about winning with class, because there's never any winning going on. It's always about losing gracefully and waiting until next season. But when the same pattern emerges year after year, our kids are going to have learned only one thing:

MY PARENTS HAVE LOST THEIR DAWG-GONE MINDS.They're going to wonder why we keep watching when the team gives us nothing decent to watch. Why we torture ourselves with thoughts of a winning season. And why we don't turn off the TV once we discover that all we do is yell at it.

My son barely watches the Browns anymore, because he's discovered more productive ways to spend his time. Truthfully, even if he sat in a room and stared at the floor he'd be better off than he would be looking at the orange and brown mess on the TV screen. I'm starting to think I'd rather stare at the wall myself.

There are still plenty of ways to teach kids about hope and success - too bad the Browns are not one of them.

Now if you'll excuse me, it's time to find some excitement after today's game. I'm off to watch paint dry!

Sunday, December 22, 2013

It has become increasingly infuriating over this past season to receive an email from "Cleveland Browns Guest Services" (aka TICKETS [at] CLEVELANDBROWNS.COM) after each game with the score and a lowlight photo from the day's game. As an example, here's what showed up in my inbox after today's unholy debacle:

For once, a little honesty and remorse would be appreciated, especially if the email is coming from the ticket-shilling arm of the organization. Seriously, Browns. The following would be far more appropriate to receive after a football port-o-potty like we witnessed today...

I still wouldn't appreciate such a garbage barge of a game against such a bad team, but at least I could respect you a little for telling some version of the truth.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

In light of the Browns playing at New England today with our recently concussed QB Jason Campbell at the helm and two random other guys at the ready* in case anything should happen to Mr. Campbell plus the previous two games of sheer H-E-double hockey sticks against the Bengals and the black and gold team we all hate (whew! someone is long-winded today), I have made a list of other stuff I would rather do than watch this game today. Unfortunately, after having the flu all week, I am not well enough to actually do any of the above, so I will have to couch it today and suffer through the game. Kill me. I do have to say, though, that I will celebrate the fact that we won't have to see currently concussed** B. Weeds in the game at all.

***

* Caleb Hinie Hanie probably got to take five snaps with the practice squad this week and Alex Tanney, the YouTube trickster QB, made a video of himself hurling passes and knocking down Christmas decorations on the lawns of houses around the Berea training facility. This may or may not be true. But still, take THAT, giant inflatable Grinch! Now that I think of it, wouldn't that be more like hitting the broad side of a barn? Your accurate throwing prowess does not impress me, sir! ** I like the word concussed. It reminds me of swearing. Which reminds me of the Browns. So maybe I don't like the word concussed all that much.

***

So let's start that list of things I would rather be doing....RIGHT NOW! Hey look, it's time for kickoff!!!

1. Create a day-by-day rundown (with visuals) of Hollie Strano's outfits over the last year.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

"That's right."

We don't accept your plans to run all over our defense and we have a plan of our own to distract you:

PUPPETS.

Last season, you were probably one of the forty million people who saw the insanely funny NFL Bad Lip Reading video. It was comprised of a random array of players, coaches and refs saying normal football things during games with the original audio removed and absurd voiceovers added. The video was bookended by sideline reporter Pam Oliver interviewing Vikings' RB Adrian Peterson, who discussed eggrolls, stingrays, double-sided Scooby Snacks (mmm - twice as delicious!), and hotel selection, among other stuff. If the first Peterson part was just plain weird, the last has become somewhat iconic. I, for one, cannot even think of Peterson without thinking of Circus Peanuts.

But some jokes need explanation. When Bitter Orange & Brown decided to give AP an orange peanut for today's game, we couldn't just make a silly circus peanut graphic and leave it at that. We had to give him ventriloquist comedian Jeff Dunham and his most famous puppet, aptly named Peanut and turned orange for the occasion. That should distract the Vikes' one and only weapon - with a hilarious* blend of puppetry and stand up comedy.

GO BROWNS.

*BitterKK is not a fan. She prefers George Carlin, Chris Rock, and Jim Gaffigan and is terrified of puppets of fictitious or unknown species. Woozles aren't real. She looked it up.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

I just want to send a heartfelt thank you card to the Cleveland Indians and their misguided and greedy owners for creating a situation where there are absolutely zero expectations for me to go to one of your underattended games this year.

I dislike baseball. It is boring. I dislike the Dolans. I think they have made a lot of "errors" (heh - crappy baseball pun!) as owners. Just because I live in Cleveland doesn't mean I have to like its sports teams. I love the Browns, can't stand the Tribe, and am ambivalent toward the Cavs. But just watch how frothing white hot hate will spew forth from me if Cleveland ever welcomes that prodigal son, the former # 23, back into our waiting arms. Here's an example of how it could play out:

Shaggy: "Is that a rabid dog?"

Scooby: "No, it's Bitter KK."

Shaggy: "She's more terrifying than I heard!!!! We better R-R-R-RUN!!!!!!!"

Then I chase them around a hallway with many doors, Scooby Doo-style, of course, until they catch and unmask me, realizing that I'm actually Old Man Johnson and then I tell them I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for "you meddling kids."

Anyhoo...

I know almost nothing about the current Indians. I thought manager Terry Francona was a Latino. I also sometimes think his name is Bobby. Nobody knows why. And my current knowledge of the roster is as follows:

Last year, I bit the bullet and was a nice girlfriend for exactly one Indians game. We bought cheap seats and sat in the bleachers for "the most boring game in baseball history" (direct quote from @MikeAmmo). I didn't even realize they were playing the Royals that day until the seventh inning. I bet I was the only one who didn't know or care who the opponent was. Or that the other team on the field was the Indians.

I mostly remember that we ate tacos beforehand at Zocalo, went to the game, and then left. Lame.

This season, I found out something recently that PISSED ME OFF.

Remember how the whole ballpark was once open for games and you could buy cheap tickets and sit in the upper-upper decks in no man's land if you wanted to? Well, you can't do that anymore. The Indians have essentially created a scheme to make everyone pay a premium price by not selling the cheap seats, and to add insult to injury for the people who actually want to attend games, you get berated by the local media because of the low attendance. Because it costs too much to attend games - especially if you care enough to do so on a regular basis.

The whole situation makes me mad. Not for me, but for so many others. Read the original post which incited my fiery anger:

For me, it's simply not worth $25 + tax and random fees to sit through a game. I could buy department store makeup with that money. If I were to go to a game, I would be thinking about the makeup I could have bought. In other words, it's a complete waste to take me to a game for upwards of $25.

People need to know that this is happening and that it's not a common practice in other ballparks - not even ones with consistently good teams. But for some reason the Dolans think it's perfectly fine. It just makes them look greedy.

That greed is showing through again in the 2013 ticket scheme. Come on, people. Why aren't you protesting the abhorrent way they're handling this? Why aren't you mad about being berated for the low attendance the Indians themselves are creating?

Read the "Wahoo Bucks" link above, understand what a disservice they are doing to you, and find a way to MAKE IT STOP.