Only clean jokes please

The pope is handing out miracles in Liverpool. Billy walks on stage and asks 'can you help with my hearing' The pope say's yes and puts his hands over Billy's ears he then prays, removes his hands and asks 'how is your hearing now?'

A nurse walks into a bank exhausted after a 20 hour shift, she pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to sign a cheque with it, she looks at the cashier and says 'Well bloody great some arsehole has got my pen'

A woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a bar in Dublin, she raised her right arm revealing a huge hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked 'what man here will buy a lady a drink?' down at the end of the bar an old drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed 'Give the ballerina a drink' the bar tender approached the drunk and said 'tell me Paddy it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why are you calling her a ballerina?' the drunk replied 'any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

its like the catholic that went to confession the first time in 20years,by god he said as he entered the confessional box this has changed,bear, cigars and a tv,just then the priest said get out of there that's my side.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht thefirst and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be ataotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. Thisis bcuseae the huamn mni d deos not raed ervey lteter by

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."