The Poultry Magnate II

In which Gilbert attempts to help Saddam Hussein’s former steward steal $35.7 million from the state of Iraq in return for 20% of the profits. Gilbert is in the process of setting up a new poultry breeding business (“Gilbert’s Big Cocks Ltd”), so the money should come in very handy indeed.

Cast of characters

Gilbert Murray – Managing Director of Gilbert Murray Poultry Ltd.

Shai Hamzar – allegedly Saddam Hussein’s former steward, now on the run from the Americans.

Tom Davis – allegedly a cargo agent based in London.

Edward Mills – allegedly the Director of a security company based in London.

From: Shai Hamzar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FROM IRAQI (URGENTLY)

Sent: Mon, 23 Aug 2004 18:10:36 -0700

Dear friend,

It is a surprise to receive this mail from me.

My name is Shi Hamzar. I was a steward to my former Head of State, Saddam Useni, the former President of Iraq, but now I am on the run because of the present situation in my country.

May I at this juncture to open up the vital point of this mail for you? Please, this is private and confidential, and due to the fact that my trust and confidence vested in you that should not be betrayed.

Now I am very far away from my country due to our tenure has been resolved since our former President has been captured by the American Government last year, by then I had the opportunity to move out some money worth $35.7 million (thirty-five million, seven hundred thousand American dollars). The fund was kept in a small room near the toilet room in underground, and this fund was moved out very successfully by me and nobody else is involved except me.

I tagged it in a small trunk box which nobody can identify the contents of the box till now. I moved out to Dubai immediately and I deposited it in a security company for safekeeping, yet I have no place to settle till now. I am still on the run until everything is normal. For now, I decided to withdraw the consignment from the security company. Secondly, this discussion is only me and you please, and do not disclose this to anybody because if you do that I can be captured from there. Please keep it a secret.

I really need your attention for handling this for me. Please, if you are able to help me send me your favourable reply as soon as you read this mail. In this avenue, I let you to understand this discussion about percentage of this fund, If you do it truthfully, I will offer you 20%, then 5% for total expenditure and 75% for me, and you will lodge my own in your nominated account there in your city.

If you are able to help me, I need you to send me along with these:

Your full name and address.

Your private telephone number.

Your personal fax number if any.

Please, do this very fast so we can talk, then I can be able to send you my vital documents such as the certificate of deposit concerning the consignment. I will also send my authority letter to the security company for releasing the consignment to you through diplomatic courier to you.

Please, this is my opportunity for me to cover the fund. If you are able to help me I am waiting for your urgent response.

Regards,

Shai Hamzar

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: In response to your email

Sent: Tue, 05 Oct 2004 16:34:21

Dear Mr Hamzar,

I am writing in response to the fascinating email that you sent to me in August. I must apologise for my tardiness in responding, but my computer has been playing up recently and I have only just managed to get it fixed and access my emails. It has taken me days to work through them all. Your email certainly captured my attention. What you are suggesting sounds like an intriguing proposition.

I do not know how you obtained my personal email address, but if it is not too late – I realise that you sent me the email some weeks ago now – you may just have found the right person to help you out. As an enterprising businessman, I am not one to turn down a profitable venture, and this sounds as if it could be extremely profitable.

To give you a brief introduction to myself, I am the founder, sole owner and Managing Director of Gilbert Murray Poultry Ltd, the largest and most profitable poultry processing company in the East of England. We provide top quality poultry products to a number of high-profile clients.

I am currently in the process of setting up a new business, devoted to the breeding of fine poultry, for subsequent processing in my poultry factory. I am looking for investors at the moment, and the proceeds from your proposal could go a long way towards funding this new business.

If I have not left it too late to respond, please email me back with further details.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Shai Hamzar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: URGENT RESPONSE

Sent: Wed, 06 Oct 2004 21:12:50 +0100

Dear Gilbert Murray,

How are you doing, hope fine?

First of all, thanks for replying. I will like you to understand my present condition. Is not that I cannot invest in Europe, but presently am under serious tension and I will not like to invest all my money in an environment that is not conducive.

Secondly, I will like to find out the status of your organisation before I send you a detailed information on the way forward.

Thank you very much and God bless.

Regards,

Shai Hamzar

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: Thank you for responding

Sent: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 10:12:26

Dear Mr Hamzar,

Thank you for your email. I am relieved to see that despite my delay in responding to your original email, perhaps I am not too late to help you.

I must say, I was somewhat confused by the contents of your last email. You said that you did not want to invest your money in an atmosphere that was conducive. But I am not asking you to invest your money in any of my businesses, my dear fellow (although I think you may well be tempted to when you find out just how successful my various business ventures are). In your original email, you offered me 20% of the contents of a safety deposit box that you have smuggled out of Iraq and stashed in a security company in Dubai. You told me that the consignment amounted to $35.7 million. By my reckoning, 20% of that comes to $7.14 million. I am not asking you to invest your 80% share in my businesses; the $7.14 million you are offering to give me will do quite nicely, thank you very much.

Hopefully we are now both clear on this matter: I am not asking you to invest in my company at all; I merely want to help you to release the fortune you have smuggled out of Iraq and help you in your current predicament, out of the goodness of my heart.

However, since you asked me for more information on the state of my business, I am happy to oblige. As I said in my first email to you, I am the founder, sole owner and Managing Director of Gilbert Murray Poultry Ltd, the largest and most profitable poultry processing company in the East of England. The business has been doing extremely well recently. So much so, that I am planning to set up a new business venture to run alongside it, devoted to the breeding of fine and rare poultry breeds. I will then be able to process these rare birds in my factory and turn them into a range of new and delicious chicken-based products.

My business is based in Gypping in the Marsh, a small and remote village in Lincolnshire, and we are one of the largest employers in the area. Only the local rubber duck manufacturer comes close to us as regards the number of employees. Gypping in the Marsh has long been famed for the high quality of its poultry, and indeed the area has its own rare breed – the Gypping Cock, a large bird with a particularly elaborate set of tail feathers and fine, rare meat – which I am planning to breed intensively in my new company. I plan to use the $7.14 million you are offering me to set up this new business.

Now then, my dear fellow, please tell me some more about yourself. You say you are on the run from the Americans at the moment. Whereabouts are you? I trust you are managing to stay one step ahead of them.

Please get back to me and let me know what I can do to help you out. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I must let you know that I will unfortunately be unavailable after tomorrow until the 19th October: I am attending an annual Chicken Processing Convention. I trust this will not affect things too badly; I am extremely keen to help you out, and I hope that this unavoidable delay will not prevent me from being able to do so.

From: Shai Hamzar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: URGENT RESPONSE

Sent: Tue, 19 Oct 2004 23:07:27 +0100

Dear Gilbert Murray,

How are you doing, hope fine?

First of all, thanks for your last mail, and how was your convention? And this the time we can understand ourselves from your last mail I read.

For your question, I need you because since I moved out from my country till now I cannot settle down, but right now I do not have a settled down place. I stay in Iran. That’s why I want to release my fund so I can be able to settle in Europe.

Please, I want to ask you one question before I can know where we can stand. I spoke with the director of the security company last weekend on the phone. He said to me that it is easy to release my consignment and it can be cargoed to their known cargo agent in London. The question is, can you be able to receive my consignment there in London? Please, why I am asking you that is because I want to move down to Dubai as soon as I get your reply so I can be able to conclude with the director of the security company and I am ready to move for the next two days to conclude all necessary arrangments, and also change the consignment to your favour as a beneficiary of the consignment, and I want this to reach you on the 26th of October 2004, that is Tuesday next week.

Please, I will also need you to send me along your private contact, phone and fax number so it can be easy to send it to the cargo agent there in London. He can contact you and he will know that you are the rightful beneficiary upon delivery.

Please, I need an urgent response so that we can proceed as soon as possible. I await your prompt response.

Yours faithfully,

Shai Hamzar

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: Please reassure me on one point

Sent: Wed, 20 Oct 2004 12:13:52

Dear Mr Hamzar,

Thank you for your email. I am delighted to see that you have accepted my offer of help. Given your current predicament, I would be most honoured to help you out.

You mentioned in your email that the security company will be able to transport the consignment containing the $35.7 million to their agent in London. Unfortunately, Tuesday 26th is not convenient for me; I have important meetings planned throughout the day. However, I am actually travelling to London on Thursday 28th to attend a morning meeting in the Covent Garden area. Do you think the security company would be able to meet up with me on that day instead?

Now then, before we go any further, I would like you to reassure me on one very important point. Given the situation in Iraq and the fact that the Americans are currently hunting down members of Saddam Hussein’s regime, could you please reassure me that I would not be placing myself in any danger by helping you out? I wouldn’t like to find myself on the wrong side of the American army. The last thing I want would be to wake up one morning and find an American helicopter gunship hovering over my chicken processing factory, thinking it was a hotbed of Iraqi insurgency. That would not be good for business at all.

If you can reassure me that helping you out will not result in a band of crack marines breaking down my door in the middle of the night, I will be happy to move forward.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. You asked how my Chicken Processing Convention went. I am pleased to report that it went very well indeed. I managed to drum up some support for the idea of my new business, devoted to breeding the large and rare Gypping Cock. With the money I will make from helping you out, I have no doubt that Gilbert’s Big Cocks Ltd (as I have decided to name the new company) will be a huge success. Perhaps once you are out of your current predicament, I could interest you in investing in the new company?

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: Do you want my help or not?

Sent: Thu, 21 Oct 2004 10:22:06

Dear Mr Hamzar,

I am disappointed that you have not yet responded to my last email. I am a busy man, Mr Hamzar, with many pressing calls on my time, and I do not have time to waste.

I can appreciate that as you are currently on the run from the Americans, things might be somewhat difficult for you at the moment. However, if we are to move forward with your proposition, I will need you to treat it with a degree more urgency than you are currently showing.

Kindly respond to the points I put to you in my last email and let me know whether a meeting with the security company in London on the 28th will be suitable. Once we have this sorted out, we can move forward.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Shai Hamzar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Do you want my help or not?

Sent: Fri, 22 Oct 2004 01:17:21 +0100

Dear Gilbert Murray,

Thanks very much for all your mails, and for your question you asked from your last mail about getting involved with Americans. Now I let you to clear that I myself will not get problems with America, which means my name is not in the American record till now. I moved out with the fund because I saved it and when Iraq got hot I moved fast to go out with the fund very successfully.

Now I arrived in Dubai today, and I discussed with the director of the security company in Dubai today for arrangements of releasing my consignment next week. He told me to pay off their fee for demurrage charges and the cost of delivery. The total money was $98,500 (ninety-eight thousand, five hundred US dollars), but I could not be able to pay all the money due to my condition now. My money finished for moving from one hotel to another. I was unable to pay the whole, so I paid $73,000 (seventy-three thousand US dollars). There remains $25,000 (twenty-five thousand US dollars) to be paid upon delivery. I also need you to help me if you will be able to assist for their balance.

For this you said that Tuesday will not be good for you to meet the cargo agent because of your meeting held in London. We are now ready to move my consignment from Dubai and it will arrive in London on Wednesday 29th October 2004. Upon your care, please I want to know if you can be able to meet the cargo agent that day? For this I will also need you to know that as soon as my consignment arrives, please I will like you to balance the fee upon delivery and receive my consignment as soon as you make contact with the cargo agent.

Please, I want to ask this question. Please do you have a telephone number and fax, so I can give it to the director of the security company in Dubai to forward it to cargo agent in London so it can be easy for the agent to contact you and know that you are the rightful beneficiary?

Please reply to me today as soon as you read my mail.

Thanks very much. This is very urgent.

Regards,

Shai Hamzar

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: Some confusion over dates

Sent: Fri, 22 Oct 2004 09:56:37

Dear Mr Hamzar,

Thank you for your email. I am glad to see that you want to move forward with our transaction. I am also glad to see that I need not worry too much about the American army breaking down my door in the middle of the night and frog-marching me off to Abu Ghraib or some other hellhole.

I must say, Mr Hamzar, it was rather foolish of you to lodge your consignment with a security company without first making sure that you had the means to pay them to release it. Why did you not keep back some money from the consignment for this purpose before you lodged it with them? Surely this would have been a wise course of action. Or perhaps you did this, but you’ve run up large hotel bills since then and the money has gradually drained away? Perhaps a little more restraint at the minibar might have been appropriate.

Anyway, this is all by the by. The crux of the matter appears to be that this security company needs $25,000 before it will release your consignment. This should not be a problem. After all, you have to speculate in order to accumulate. So don’t worry yourself about the money.

Now then, you seem to be confusing yourself over dates. You told me in your email that the consignment would be arriving in London on Wednesday 29th October 2004. If you consult a calendar, you will see that Wednesday 29th October 2004 does not actually exist. Do you mean Wednesday 27th, or Friday 29th? As I will be in London on Thursday 28th, hopefully you mean Wednesday 27th. Please confirm.

Assuming that the cargo will be arriving in London on Wednesday 27th, I will be able to meet up with the cargo agent in London on Thursday 28th. Provided that the cargo agent can provide me with some sort of receipt, I will be able to pay him the remaining $25,000 on the day.

But before all this can happen, surely we will need some legal documentation that proves that I am the rightful beneficiary? Otherwise, surely the cargo agent will not release the consignment to me.

With this in mind, do you want me to get my lawyer, Mr Welsby of the firm Elton & Welsby, on the case? He’s a fine man, and very well-respected in Lincolnshire legal circles. I’m sure he’ll be able to knock up any documents we require in a jiffy.

Welsby’s got the sharpest legal brain I’ve ever come across. He proved invaluable last year after an unfortunate incident involving a consignment of condemned chicken carcases and a contract to supply chicken-based ready meals to the local hospital. Not only did Welsby manage to get all charges dropped, he also persuaded the judge to award us costs against the bereaved families. Let me know if you’d like me to contact him.

Get back to me as soon as you can, there’s a good chap. I’m a busy man and we don’t seem to have much time.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Here’s a tip. Go out and get yourself a calendar. They’re very cheap and I think you’ll find that it comes in useful.

From: Shai Hamzar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Some confusion over dates

Sent: Fri, 22 Oct 2004 15:39:26 +0100

Dear Gilbert Murray,

Please, if you can be able to assist me I will be glad, but you sound somehow or because of the date problem. As for the document concerning this said consignment, you get it as soon as you are the rightful beneficiary.

Then on Wednesday next week is the day we made up with the director of the security company that my consignment will arrive in London, but before anything can be done we need your contact number. And if I want to come to London, how will I get to you?

That’s what I need for now before any other thing, thanks.

Regards,

Shai Hamzar

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: Shall I get my lawyer involved, or not?

Sent: Fri, 22 Oct 2004 16:14:53

Dear Mr Hamzar,

Thank you for your email. I am pleased that we have managed to clear up the matter of dates. Perhaps you went out and bought yourself a calendar as I suggested? It is good to hear that the consignment will be arriving in London next Wednesday. Hopefully that means that I will be able to meet up with the cargo agent on Thursday to collect the consignment and pay the outstanding balance.

Now then, you may have cleared up the matter of dates, but you have not answered my question regarding my lawyer, Welsby. Should I get the man involved in this business or not? He may be able to help us out with any legal problems that we encounter. Please let me know by return.

Unfortunately, I do not have access to a fax machine. I hope this will not be a problem.

I have to warn you that we are experiencing a few problems with our telephone service at the moment: we have had some very severe storms over the past couple of days, and they have brought down some telephone lines. Living in such a remote rural area as we do, the telephone company unfortunately don’t see fixing our lines as a priority, so at the moment our telephone only works intermittently. As well as being very bad for business, this is extremely annoying, and everyone in the village is similarly affected.

If you experience any problems getting through to me, I would ask you to bear with me. We are hoping that the service will be fully operational again sometime next week. Fortunately, my satellite internet connection was not affected by the storms, so it may be easier to stick to email for the moment until my phone line is back in action.

Now then, let me know about Welsby, and let’s make some progress.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I heard a rumour some time ago that Saddam Hussein had a large number of “look-alikes” in order to foil any assassination attempts. Is this true? Did you ever meet any of them?

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: What is going on?

Sent: Sat, 23 Oct 2004 12:08:12

Dear Mr Hamzar,

What is going on at your end? Why have I not heard back from you to confirm whether or not I should get my lawyer involved and to confirm whether next Thursday will be acceptable to meet up with the cargo agent in London?

I am an extremely busy man and if I am going to meet up with this cargo agent, I need to make plans now.

I am trying to help you out of a predicament. If you do not get back to me at once so that we can make concrete arrangements, otherwise I may be forced to reconsider my offer of help.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Shai Hamzar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Shall I get my lawyer involved, or not?

Sent: Mon, 25 Oct 2004 15:16:38 +0100

Dear Gilbert Murray,

Thanks for last reply.

This issue is very urgent. You should try as much as possible to meet with your lawyer in order to secure the fund in your custody.

I am not satisfied with your contact details, but since I filled your name as a beneficiary and will also send you my vital document pertaining to the said consignment upon your favour.

For this I need you to send me your copy after you have met with your lawyer, then scan it and send it to me as soon as possible.

Thanks very much. I am waiting for your urgent response.

Regards,

Shai Hamzar

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: At last we are making some progress

Sent: Mon, 25 Oct 2004 16:01:25

Dear Mr Hamzar,

Thank you for your email. At last we are making some progress.

You mentioned the urgency of this matter. I am well aware of this. Hence I am disappointed that you have not yet confirmed whether my meeting with the cargo agent this Thursday is on or not.

We need to get this sorted without any further delays. Therefore, I need you to send me the document you’ve prepared that states that I am now the legal beneficiary of the fund. I’ll run it past my lawyer as soon as I receive it and get back to you as soon as possible. I can then arrange to withdraw the $25,000 from my corporate bank account in readiness for Thursday.

What I also need you to do is to confirm the details of my meeting with the cargo agent this Thursday. I can suggest a suitable location in central London: a nice little cafe just around the corner from where I have a meeting on Thursday morning. I’ll have the money with me and we should be able to sort everything out over a quick cup of coffee.

I will be tied up for the rest of the afternoon in a meeting with the architect I am considering using to design the premises of my proposed new business, breeding the Gypping Cock. She’s a charming young lady. There’s a question at the moment over how many breeding birds we will be able to accommodate inside the new building she is proposing, and I’m looking forward to finding out exactly how many cocks she thinks she will be able to take.

Get back to me with a scanned copy of the document and confirmation of my meeting on Thursday immediately. Time is money. Therefore, money is of the essence, waits for no man, and on top of that, is too tight to mention.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. You say you’re not happy with my contact details. Well how the blazes do you think I feel, not having access to a reliable telephone line? It’s damned inconvenient, I can tell you.

From: Shai Hamzar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: At last we are making some progress

Sent: Tue, 26 Oct 2004 00:48:13 +0100

Dear Gilbert,

Thanks for your mail. Indeed I’ll love you to meet with the cargo agent on Thursday unfailingly. As regards the document, all the particulars required will be forwarded to you before Thursday.

Again, every legal document drafted by your lawyer should be forwarded to me as well. I also want you to know that whenever my consignment moves out from Dubai I will give the director of the security company all your contacts to send to the cargo agent in London upon arrival. Then he can get in contact with you as the rightful beneficiary, and be sure that you will do as fast to get to the agent on arrival in London.

Thanks very much.

Regards,

Shai Hamzar

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: Send me the contact details of the cargo agent immediately

Sent: Tue, 26 Oct 2004 12:15:21

Dear Mr Hamzar,

Thank you for your email. Time is pressing, so send me the contact details of the cargo agent immediately so that I can make contact and arrange a meeting for Thursday. My schedule is quite tight on Thursday, so I hope the cargo agent will be able to work to my schedule. I should be able to fit them in around lunchtime, after my morning meeting.

I now have an appointment booked in London on Thursday afternoon as well, with a market research company. We are going to ask them to undertake a survey to find out how popular ready meals made with the rare Gypping Cock will be with the general public. My R&D team are slaving away in the kitchen at the moment to produce new and exciting meals made out of the Gypping Cock. It will be interesting to see whether people like the taste of my cock or not.

Do you like the taste of cock in your mouth, Mr Hamzar? I’ll bet you do.

Now then, get this legal document to me as soon as you can. What documents are you expecting my own lawyer to produce, by the way? Surely all the legal work will be at your end. Please clarify.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: What’s the reason for this damn delay?

Sent: Tue, 26 Oct 2004 16:53:17

Hamzar,

I am supposed to be meeting up with this cargo agent the day after tomorrow and handing over $25,000 to him in return for this consignment of yours. I have asked you to send me the contact details of the cargo agent so that I can arrange a meeting at a suitable time and place. Yet you have sent me nothing.

What’s the reason for this damn delay? I’m a busy man and I need to get my diary sorted out for Thursday. Unless you get back to me immediately, my PA will probably fill in the slot I have been keeping empty on Thursday lunchtime with another meeting elsewhere in London, and all will be lost.

Perhaps I am being too harsh. Perhaps, having lived what has no doubt been a luxurious, pampered and unhurried life as Saddam Hussein’s steward, you are unused to the speed at which the cut and thrust of business operates out here in the real world. Well it is high time you did get used to it, my man.

I demand efficiency from all of the people I do business with: I’ve no time for shilly-shallying time-wasters. so I suggest you pull your finger out and get things moving pronto.

Get back to me at once so that we can make proper arrangements.

Gilbert Murray

From: Shai Hamzar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: FW: POWER OF ATTORNEY

Sent: Tue, 26 Oct 2004 20:20:24 +0100

Dear Gilbert,

I am very sorry for the delay in sending to you all particulars for the effective conclusion of this transaction. You gave me the contact late yesterday. This is the reason the whole process looks delayed.

I left in the morning to make sure that the consignment is shipped as planned and as Allah would have it, it left this afternoon. Below is the contact man in London you have to call to know if the consignment has arrived by tomorrow:

Name: Tom Davis

Tel: 00447881607400

You have to call him by tomorrow afternoon unfailingly. You should note that the man in London do not know the contents of the consignment. The only thing he had to know is for you to pay to him the sum of $25,000 that is the balance for the delivery of the consignment.

You have to meet up with Tom Davis with the copy of the attached POWER OF ATTORNEY as a proof to show that an authority has been given on you to claim the consignment. I personally do not know him, but the contact of the man is only given to me by the security company’s director.

Please, you should know that the power of attorney was attached to me by the lawyer that helped secure it before I forwarded it to you.

Now the ball is in your court, so please do not disappoint me, but handle the whole transaction as yours so that in a short while, you can secure papers to me to come to meet up with you in London.

I need to receive a mail from you for an acknowledgement of the receipt of the POWER OF ATTORNEY.

I called today but was unable to talk with you and this will delay this transaction, so please try as much as you can to send to me your mobile number for easy communication.

Yours faithfully,

Shai Hamzar

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: Send me the email address of this Davis fellow

Sent: Wed, 27 Oct 2004 09:48:21

Dear Mr Hamzar,

Thank you for sending the power of attorney document to me. Who on earth did you get to draw up the document? Whoever did it, they’re not very good at spelling, are they? They’ve managed to spell my address and your address incorrectly. Very sloppy. Not the sort of mistake Welsby would make, I can assure you.

Are you sure this document will stand up in court, containing errors like that? I’d have a word with your lawyer if I were you. Tell him to buck his ideas up.

When our current business is over and done with, you might like to consider ditching your current lawyer and placing your affairs in Welsby’s more than capable hands. I can highly recommend him. Do you want me to have a word with him and see if he’d be happy to take you on?

Now then, you’ve sent me the cargo agent’s mobile telephone number. That’s all well and good, but how do you expect me to telephone him when my own phone is out of action? I don’t own a mobile telephone. Have you not heard about the health risks associated with them? Mr Davis may be happy to bathe his brain in radiation, but I’m certainly not about to do that.

So, send me this fellow’s email address so that I can get in contact with him and make arrangements for tomorrow.

I am sending my PA to the bank this morning to withdraw the $25,000 I need to give the cargo agent. Once I have this man’s email address we can arrange a meeting and everything will be sorted.

Get back to me without delay, there’s a good chap.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: Another delay! What are you playing at?

Sent: Wed, 27 Oct 2004 14:43:03

Hamzar,

I emailed you hours ago, asking you to send me the email address of this Tom Davis character so that I could arrange to meet up with him tomorrow. Why have you not yet responded to my email? Good God, man, I am supposed to be meeting Davis tomorrow, and thanks to your time-wasting, I have not been able to contact him to finalise details.

Everything is sorted out at this end: my PA has withdrawn the $25,000 from the bank and I have it stowed away in my safe until tomorrow. But what are you playing at? Send me the man’s email address immediately, or I will not be able to meet up with him tomorrow.

I have had enough of these delays. Get back to me at once. I am waiting.

Gilbert Murray

From: Shai Hamzar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Another delay! What are you playing at?

Sent: Wed, 27 Oct 2004 07:12:37 -0700

Dear Gilbert,

I believe the best thing to do is to call the agent on the phone either today, or tomorrow when you get to London. I do not know the man’s email address and I do not think he has one.

I am not too good in written English so I do not know how right was the wording of the power of attorney written by my lawyer. Maybe after the whole thing, I will let you link me to your lawyer in London.

Please, you have to find a way to call him and also send to me your mobile telephone number. Please note that I did not tell the lawyer that prepared the power of attorney that the contents of the consignment is money, but I only employed him to help me prepare the document and I paid him off.

Please try your best to get in touch with him and claim the consignment tomorrow as planned.

Thanks.

Yours faithfully,

Shai Hamzar

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: Have you not been reading my emails?

Sent: Wed, 27 Oct 2004 15:33:43

Hamzar,

Have you not been reading my emails? I have already told you that I cannot telephone this man because the telephone lines in the village have still not been repaired.

I have also already told you that due to the serious health risks they pose, I do not own a mobile telephone. Therefore I cannot send you my mobile telephone number because I do not have one.

If I am to meet with this man tomorrow, I need to arrange the meeting today. I therefore need his email address today. If I do not receive his email address today, I will not be able to arrange to meet him, and our whole project will fail.

This chap Davis must have an email address. Use some initiative, man. Find out what it is and send it to me before the end of the day.

See to it, Hamzar. And kindly do not make me repeat myself again. I am not a patient man.

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: Do you want me to pick up the consignment tomorrow or not?

Sent: Wed, 27 Oct 2004 17:43:16

Hamzar,

I am beside myself with amazement here. Do you want me to pick up this consignment tomorrow or not?

If you do, and I hope that you do, SEND ME AN EMAIL ADDRESS AT WHICH I CAN REACH THIS TOM DAVIS. How many more times do I need to tell you?

Good grief, man, I am supposed to be meeting Davis tomorrow to sort everything out, and yet we have nothing arranged.

Let me state it one more time, in an attempt to make myself clear. I NEED TOM DAVIS’S EMAIL ADDRESS. SEND IT TO ME NOW.

Have you got that? Do you understand? I wish you were my computer. Then I could punch the information into you.

I’ll bet Saddam Hussein didn’t put up with shoddy lackadaisical behaviour like this. He probably would have had you shot if you’d have behaved like this in front of him.

Get back to me NOW if you want this transaction to succeed.

Gilbert Murray

The telephone number may have been different, but a quick call on the morning of the 28th October was all it took to confirm that Tom Davis was indeed the same person who Gilbert Murray MP managed to capture on a London webcam in August 2004. Isn’t it a small world?

The telephone call went as follows:

Tom Davis: Hello.

Gilbert: Hello. Is that Tom Davis?

Tom Davis: Who is this?

Gilbert: I gather you have a consignment for me. I’m calling to arrange a meeting so that I can collect it.

Tom Davis: What is your name?

Gilbert: My name is Gilbert Murray.

Tom Davis: Is that the MP?

Gilbert: No, I manage a poultry processing factory.

Tom Davis: Fuck you. (Hangs up)

So, no chance of a meeting with Mr Davis. Gilbert thinks that his game is probably up, but he decides that it’s still worth contacting Mr Hamzar to see if he can be persuaded to continue. Gilbert tries to persuade Mr Hamzar that Tom Davis was drunk when he telephoned, and the ploy seems to work...

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: What is going on?

Sent: Thu, 28 Oct 2004 09:22:51

Hamzar,

What is going on? I am confused. I managed to telephone Davis this morning, but the chap seemed to think I was a Member of Parliament or something. He must have got me confused with someone else. He sounded drunk if you ask me. Does the man have a problem with alcohol? Or perhaps he has been using his mobile phone too much and it has affected his brain. Anyway, he was extremely rude, and as a result of this, we did not manage to arrange a meeting for today.

On top of this, you have gone very quiet. What is going on? How am I supposed to help you out if you don’t let me know what is going on?

Thanks to your silence and Davis’s inebriated confusion, there is now no chance of me collecting this consignment today. Where do we go from here? What do you suggest?

Gilbert Murray

From: Shai Hamzar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: What is going on?

Sent: Thu, 28 Oct 2004 13:17:46 +0100

Dear Gilbert,

I do not know what is happening because as the case is right now, the cargo agent had called back the security company today and said he will not deliver the consignment because he does not know its content, and write for a return of the consignment to Dubai.

Please, you have to give me some time so that I can investigate and know exactly what is going on.

Do not call him again, but I want to find out something.

Regards,

Shai Hamzar

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: This is turning into a fiasco

Sent: Thu, 28 Oct 2004 14:15:26

Hamzar,

Thank you for your email. I just have time to respond to you before my afternoon meeting with the market research company.

What on earth is going on? This is turning into a fiasco. Here I am in London, ready to collect the consignment with $25,000 in my briefcase, and now you are telling me that the cargo agent is sending the consignment back to Dubai because he doesn’t know what’s in it.

None of this makes any sense at all! What concern is it of the cargo agent what the consignment contains? This is absolutely ridiculous.

I’d swear that that Davis chap was half-cut when I spoke to him this morning. He was slurring his words and I couldn’t get any sense out of him whatsoever. He kept on telling me I was a Member of Parliament! What sort of person is too drunk to make any sense before nine o’clock in the morning? I ask you. And what on earth does the security company think it’s doing, placing such a valuable consignment in the hands of a piss artist like Mr Davis?

I hope we will be able to find some way of getting this consignment to me without involving Davis. He was extremely rude to me earlier today, and I refuse to deal with people who do not have the decency to conduct their business in a sober fashion. I dread to think what Davis would have done with my $25,000... headed straight to the nearest bar, if I’m any judge of character. If it hadn’t been for Davis’s drink-addled fumbling, this whole matter would have been done and dusted by now.

I must go: my meeting is about to start. I am looking forward to finding out what proportion of the population like the taste of cock.

Get back to me once you’ve found out what on earth is going on.

Gilbert Murray

From: Shai Hamzar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: This is turning into a fiasco

Sent: Thu, 28 Oct 2004 19:47:25 +0100

Dear Gilbert,

I found out that the agent called Davis did want to deliver the consignment to you. Meanwhile the director of the security company here in Dubai sent an authority letter to him to deliver it before three days, and he was not able to contact you in time and confirm if you were the rightful beneficiary. He could be able to do that, not to getting involved with the security company in Dubai.

Now there is a way to ship it out to you, but I will like to ask you this question. The question is will you like to contact the agent in London in time so it can be easy for the agent to meet up with you so you can collect my fund?

I am ready to forward the contact to you.

Hamzar

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: Of course I want to collect the consignment

Sent: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 09:36:52

Hamzar,

You’ve confused me now. First you tell me that that drunken sot of a cargo agent didn’t want to deliver the consignment because he didn’t know what was in it, and that he had sent it back to Dubai. Then you tell me that the dipsomaniac Davis did want to deliver it to me but could not contact me in time.

What precisely is going on? Where is the consignment? Is it still in London or is it on its way back to Dubai?

If there is a way for me to claim this consignment, of course I want to move ahead. The money will go a long way towards setting up my new company, Gilbert’s Big Cocks Ltd.

However, I can tell you now that I will not have anything more to do with this gin-soaked Tom Davis character. I refuse to do business with someone who is as drunk as a lord at nine o’clock in the morning. I come from a good Methodist background, and my family has a long history of temperance and sobriety, ever since my great-great grandfather, Gilbert Tetley Worthington Murray, signed the pledge back in the 1800s. Not one member of my family has touched a drop of drink from that day to this, and I despise those who let the demon drink take over their lives.

If you can put me in touch with another contact in London – one that has nothing at all to do with Davis – then I will be happy to arrange a meeting next week at a mutually-convenient time to collect the consignment.

See to it, Hamzar, and get back to me.

Gilbert Murray

PS. I advise you to have a serious word with the security company. Putting valuable consignments in the hands of a confused pisshead like Davis strikes me as being extremely unprofessional.

From: Shai Hamzar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Of course I want to collect the consignment

Sent: Sat, 30 Oct 2004 12:14:54 -0700

Dear Gilbert,

I thank you for your reply. First of all, I am very much happy as my consignment came back to Dubai, not to divert as it’s not been going to the wrong person there in London.

Secondly I want you to know that right now I made up another arrangement with the director of the security company to move out my consignment, because the three days that have been given to them did not expire before my consignment returned to Dubai. And my new arrangement finished yesterday, Friday, and that my consignment is moving on Monday next week, 1st November 2004. It arrives in London on Tuesday.

I want not to delay any more. Before then I will send all the new contacts to you, and I want you to contact the new man so it can be easy for you to collect my fund in time. Please note this, that I don’t want any delay and I need you to contact the man as soon as you receive it and collect my fund between Tuesday or Wednesday, thanks.

Regards,

Shai Hamzar

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: This is marvellous news

Sent: Sun, 31 Oct 2004 19:10:35

Dear Mr Hamzar,

Thank you for your email. I am delighted to hear that your consignment will be making its way back to London this week. It certainly is racking up the miles, is it not? Tell me, does it qualify for a frequent flyer discount?

Do pass on details of the new contact in London as soon as you can. I have a few more meetings in London this week, so I should be able to fit in a visit to collect the consignment.

Let us just hope that this new contact is not such an old soak as that Davis chap appeared to be. Tell him to stay off the bottle when he meets me, won’t you?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Shai Hamzar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: This is marvellous news

Sent: Mon, 01 Nov 2004 03:03:20 -0800

Dear Gilbert,

Thanks for your reply. At this point, I let you know that my consignment is moving, but from your statement I will like you to put me on real time so I can be able to do something with the director here in Dubai to enable us to finish the arrangement so I can fix the right day that my consignment will arrive in London.

What I mean is that I do not want a situation when that my consignment to get into demurrage because I will not be happy, and for this I really want you to assure me the exact date so I can talk to the director and also tell when I need it to move to London.

Secondly, I still need you if you be able to send me your mobile phone so it can be easy for me to contact you also. Please, this request is very important so I can know what to do from here.

Right now I want to tell you that this consignment will move as soon as I get your reply, but we cannot finish up so that is why I cannot send you the contact. I needed the director to send it to a security company if it were possible. He said yes, but you see I could not be able to say anything with him. I am waiting for your reply before I can tell him to go ahead.

I will like to ask you this question. Will you be able to pay their outstanding balance upon delivery? Why I am asking you this, I don’t know if you fixed your money into another business. Please reply very as soon as you get my mail thanks.

Regards,

Shai Hamzar

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: I will be in London on Thursday this week

Sent: Mon, 01 Nov 2004 11:55:36

Dear Mr Hamzar,

Thank you for your email. To clarify my movements this week, I will be in London on Thursday: I have another meeting planned in the morning with the market research company that I am taking on to see how many people like the taste of cock. If it is convenient, I will be able to meet up with a representative from the security company at lunchtime on that day.

Note that I will not have a lot of time to spare on Thursday; I have a meeting in the afternoon with the European Union Poultry and Livestock Commission. As I am planning to go into business producing foodstuffs from a rare breed that has not previously been used in this way, I have to prove to them that the birds I am planning to use are of an appropriate size that meets their regulations. Therefore I will be taking an average-sized Gypping Cock to the Commission in the afternoon. One of their officers, Dr Betty Sabigwan, will measure my cock and let me know whether or not it is large enough to satisfy her. I am not anticipating any problems: I’ve never had any complaints in that department in the past.

Given that I have one meeting in the morning and one in the afternoon on Thursday, I suggest that we arrange a meeting with the security company on Thursday lunchtime. Half-past twelve would be convenient for me.

Regarding the outstanding balance, I paid it back into my corporate bank account after last week’s fiasco with that drunken idiot of a cargo agent. The money is still available, and as soon as I receive confirmation that a meeting this Thursday is acceptable, I can arrange for my PA to withdraw it from the bank once again.

You asked about a mobile telephone. I have already told you that I do not have a mobile telephone due to the long term health risks they pose. I have told you this on numerous occasions already. Please do not make me repeat myself again.

Get back to me as soon as you can with a confirmation that a meeting on Thursday will be acceptable. And let’s have no messing around from your end this time, do you hear?

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: Is Thursday OK or not?

Sent: Tue, 02 Nov 2004 09:52:51

Hamzar,

Why have I not heard back from you in response to my last email? What is going on at your end?

I need to know if I will be able to meet with the security company on Thursday: I have plans to make, and I will have to arrange for my PA to withdraw the money out of the corporate bank account.

Stop delaying things and get back to me at once.

I’ll bet Saddam Hussein didn’t have to put up with this sort of thing.

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: RESPOND IMMEDIATELY, OR WAVE GOODBYE TO ME AND MY MONEY

Sent: Wed, 03 Nov 2004 09:43:28

Hamzar,

I am am bemused and dismayed by your continuing silence. What on earth are you up to? We are supposed to be conducting a business deal here, we have arrangements to make, and yet I haven’t heard a word from you since Monday.

I am growing tired of all this fannying around. Respond to this email immediately, or you can wave goodbye to me and my money.

Perhaps there is a good reason for your failure to respond? Perhaps the Americans have caught up with you at last? Perhaps they are transporting you to Abu Ghraib at this very moment?

Although this is possible, I imagine the real reason for your failure to respond is probably much more simple. Well, I suggest that you haul your sweaty backside out of the local brothel and attend to the business in hand without any further delay.

If I do not receive a response from you by the end of the day, you can consider this business transaction over.

Gilbert Murray

From: Shai Hamzar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: RESPOND IMMEDIATELY, OR WAVE GOODBYE TO ME AND MY MONEY

Sent: Wed, 03 Nov 2004 15:05:02 +0100

Dear Gilbert,

Sorry for the delay. I was still on arrangement with the security company. I am about to finalise with them and I shall get back to you as soon as possible when everything is set.

At this moment I wish the consignment should move to London today or tomorrow. If that be, or whatever be the case, I shall get back to you to let you know the details and how to go about it.

Regards,

Shai Hamzar

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: I insist that you keep me informed of events

Sent: Thu, 04 Nov 2004 09:23:09

Hamzar,

Thank you for your email. While I am pleased to see that you are still at large and that you have not been captured by the Americans, I have to say that I am extremely displeased at your long silences.

We are working together on a business transaction that will be of mutual benefit. In my book, this makes us business partners. And one thing that business partners do is to keep each other informed of what is going on. One thing that business partners do not do, under any circumstances, is go quiet for days at a time and leave their partners in the dark.

I am simply not prepared to put up with such shoddy behaviour from you in the future. Do you understand? Either you keep me informed of the current situation on a daily basis, or you can forget about this whole business. I’ll bet if you’d have treated Saddam Hussein with the same indifferent attitude, you would have ended up suspended over a vat of boiling tar, hanging by your toenails. Think on.

You are not the only person out there offering profitable business deals; in fact I received a very interesting proposal from a Mr Abacha only yesterday which caught my eye. If you don’t buck your ideas up, I will drop you like a ton of bricks and explore Mr Abacha’s proposal instead.

Right. Presuming you have got the message, what the hell is going on with this consignment of yours? I thought I was supposed to be meeting with the security company today to collect it. Well, thanks to your damn delays, that’s not going to happen now, is it?

As a result of your ineptitude, I won’t be able to pick up the consignment until next week now, so we will have to make arrangements for another meeting in London with a representative from the security company. All this messing around is damn inconvenient, I can tell you.

I am going to be in London again on Monday. Do you think we will be able to arrange for me to collect the consignment then, or is that too much to ask? Make suitable arrangements and let me know.

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: What the hell is going on at your end?

Sent: Fri, 05 Nov 2004 10:12:38

Hamzar,

I am disappointed not to have heard back from you yet in response to my last email. Did you take no notice whatsoever of what I said regarding the need for you to start communicating like a normal person?

I need to know the situation regarding your consignment so that I can make arrangements to collect it from the security company in London next week. Get back to me at once with an update on the situation.

I am pleased to report that my meetings yesterday in London went extremely well, and things are looking promising for my proposed new business. The market research company I visited in the morning have suggested that we start a “teaser” advertising campaign immediately in order to increase public awareness of the desirability of food products made from rare breed cockerels.

We have decided initially to concentrate on food products aimed at the breakfast market, with particular emphasis on the new cockerel-based sausages that my R&D team has devised. With this in mind, the market research company has brought in an advertising agency, which had already put together three initial advertisements by the time I met them yesterday. The adverts consist of photographs of housewives at the breakfast table tucking into a sausage with relish. The straplines read “Do you like the taste of cock?”, “Bored at the breakfast table? Get some cock in your mouth”, and “There’s nothing like a bit of cock first thing in the morning”.

I thought the adverts were marvellous, and I gave the company the immediate go-ahead to place them on billboards around London. They really are on the ball: they tell me that the adverts should start appearing on the streets of London as early as Monday morning.

My meeting in the afternoon with the European Union Poultry and Livestock Commission was just as successful. I took one of my finest Gypping Cocks with me to the meeting: I am hoping that this particular cockerel will make good breeding stock.

Dr Betty Sabigwan saw me as soon as I arrived at the Commission. The meeting took no time at all. She took me through into an examination room and asked me to get my cock out and place it on the table in front of me. I did as she asked, and looked on as Dr Sabigwan measured its length and girth. As I expected, it was plenty large enough to satisfy her, so I got the go-ahead from the Commission there and then. This is excellent news, I’m sure you’ll agree.

As it happened, Betty Sabigwan turned out to be quite an expert in the field of rare breed poultry. I swelled with pride when she told me that she’d seen many cocks in her lifetime, but that she’d never seen one as attractive as mine.

Well Hamzar, enough talk about my poultry business. Get back to me regarding your consignment by return so that we can make some progress.

Gilbert Murray

From: Shai Hamzar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I insist that you keep me informed of events

Sent: Fri, 05 Nov 2004 02:06:42 -0800

Dear Gilbert,

I received your mail. At this point I let you know that what delay for this was the director could not finish up with me because of the ongoing Muslim fasting, so but now I finished up with him today.

My consignment is moving out from Dubai today to arrive in London tomorrow. I need you to contact this company, and do not delay to contact:

Lionell Security Co, 20 Regent Street, London W2, United Kingdom

Tel: 07821977224 and 07862774656

Fax: 02073814450

Email: lionellsecurity@mail2uk.com

Director: Edward Mills

The consignment number is GA/DUB/SH/P042.

The conveyance number is DUB7/C125.

The code number is Y2597/GH.

Please kindly contact the man so you can pick up my fund on Monday, and I told you that I don’t want my consignment to get into demurrage. I need you to collect it on Monday, and whenever you collect it send me a mail so I can rest with full mind.

For what you said about your Abacha, please delay it for now. Finish up with this before. Please, I need you to find a way to contact the man immediately. Tomorrow you can get him, and pay the outstanding balance and collect my fund.

Thanks for your co-operation. Please send me a mail as soon as possible.

Regards,

Shai Hamzar

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: I will contact the security company immediately

Sent: Fri, 05 Nov 2004 10:23:09

Hamzar,

Thank you for your email. Our mails must have crossed in the post. I’m glad to see that we’re finally making some progress.

I will contact the security company immediately and make arrangements to meet them on Monday.

Don’t worry, Hamzar. Your consignment will be in safe hands now.

I’ll get back to you once I’ve made arrangements with the security company.

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Edward Mills

Subject: Regarding a consignment from Dubai

Sent: Fri, 05 Nov 2004 10:52:21

Dear Mr Mills,

I have been given your contact details by a business associate of mine, Mr Shai Hamzar, who is currently residing in Dubai. He is transferring a valuable consignment from Dubai to your company in London, and has asked me to contact you in order to arrange a meeting for me to collect the consignment.

Mr Hamzar has given me the following details relating to the consignment, which I trust mean something to you:

Consignment number: GA/DUB/SH/P042

Conveyance number: DUB7/C125

Code number: Y2597/GH

I understand that there will be a fee to pay. This is no problem. I trust that you will be able to provide me with a receipt?

As it happens, I will be in London on Monday on business, and I am hoping that we will be able to arrange a meeting on Monday. Lunchtime would be the best time for me, as I already have meetings arranged in the morning and in the afternoon.

Please get back to me and let me know whether a meeting at Monday lunchtime is convenient for you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Edward Mills; Cc: Shai Hamzar

Subject: Please respond urgently

Sent: Fri, 05 Nov 2004 15:34:56

Dear Mr Mills,

I emailed you this morning regarding a consignment of mine that you are currently holding, which has recently arrived from Dubai.

As I am hoping to arrange to meet you or one of your associates on Monday to collect the consignment, I am somewhat concerned that you have not yet responded to my email.

I would appreciate it if you could deal with this matter with a touch more urgency: if we are going to meet up on Monday, we need to make arrangements today. Therefore, please respond to this email immediately.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Edward Mills

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: INFO VERIFICATION

Sent: Fri, 05 Nov 2004 07:52:11 -0800 (PST)

Dear Mr Gilbert Murray,

Your mail was received and accept my sincere apology for my late reply. The CLASSIFIED INFO supplied by you was verified/checked meticulously by me. Your information conformed with what I have and it is absolutely correct.

Thanks for your quick response. This will enable me to set up delivery procedures while anticipating the arrival of our SHIPMENTS from Dubai.

I have been notified by your associate Shai Hamzar, about his preference for an AUTHORISED SPECIAL DELIVERY (ASD). This offer guarantees a quick and efficient method and I, Mills, your sole representative, and no interference from nobody.

Obviously, there is a conveyance/packaging/delivery charge of $25,000 to be paid by the consignee. This amount is fixed for shipments from the UAE.

About your scheduled meeting for Monday, 8th November 2004, it is yet to be confirmed.

Reasons: this is our PEAK period and I will spend Monday supervising the clearance of LIONELL SECURITY shipments from the airports. I will definitely give you the opportunity to meet with me after Monday.

Acknowledge the receipt of this mail with this personal email address and include your direct telephone number for one on one conversation.

My number is 07862774656.

Thanks for your patronage.

Congrats.

Regards,

Edward Mills

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Edward Mills

Subject: Thank you for your email

Sent: Fri, 05 Nov 2004 16:43:47

Dear Mr Mills,

Thank you for responding to my email. I am pleased to hear that everything seems to be in order. You sound like a man who knows what he is doing and you seem to have everything under control. Well done. Keep it up.

My associate, Mr Hamzar, has given me advance notice of the $25,000 fee that will be required in order to release the consignment. I have the money readily available: I just have to withdraw it from my corporate bank account once we have confirmed the time and date of our meeting.

I am sorry to hear that a meeting on Monday will not be convenient for you: I know that Mr Hamzar is as keen as I am to move the consignment into my safekeeping. However, presumably it will be safe in your hands for a few more days. If Monday is not suitable, I will be in London again on Thursday next week. Would this be convenient for you?

You mentioned that Mr Hamzar has specified an “authorised special delivery”. Could you please clarify exactly what this involves?

You asked me for my telephone number. It is 01927 58367. I have to warn you that we are experiencing a few problems with our telephone service at the moment, following some surprisingly severe storms which brought down some telephone lines. Living in such a remote rural area as I do, the telephone company unfortunately don’t see fixing my line as a priority, so at the moment my telephone only works intermittently. As well as being very bad for business, this is extremely annoying, and everyone in the village is similarly affected.

If you experience any problems getting through to me, I would ask you to bear with me. We are hoping that the service will be fully operational again before too long. Fortunately, my satellite internet connection was not affected by the storms, so it may be easier to stick to email for the moment until my phone line is back in action.

Please get back to me and let me know whether a meeting next Thursday would be convenient.

Wishing you a pleasant weekend.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: We are now making progress

Sent: Fri, 05 Nov 2004 16:46:25

Dear Mr Hamzar,

A quick note to inform you that I have been in contact with Mr Mills from the security company. He sounds like a very decent chap, in stark contrast to that bumbling drunkard Mr Davis you put me in touch with earlier.

I suggested a meeting on Monday to Mr Mills, but unfortunately he tells me that he is busy that day. I have therefore suggested that we meet on Thursday instead.

I will keep you informed of developments. Do have a nice weekend, and do watch out for those Americans, won’t you? You don’t want to go getting yourself captured when we are on the verge of liberating your consignment.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Shai Hamzar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: We are now making progress

Sent: Sat, 06 Nov 2004 07:09:28 -0800

Dear Gilbert,

Thanks for the mail, and I have made a demand from our company in Dubai for an AUTHORISED SPECIAL DELIVERY (ASD).

Edward Mills can even arrange for the consignment to be dropped at your house. That should give him a free hand to handle the delivery procedure so that I want the money collected quitely (sic) without notice.

I need my fund to be delivered quitely (sic).

Thanks for your co-operation.

Shai Hamzar

From: Edward Mills

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: CERTAINTY

Sent: Sat, 06 Nov 2004 07:24:24 -0800 (PST)

Dear Murray,

Your mail appreciating my efforts was received and you deserve more thanks.

I doubt if you received the first mail I sent to you earlier today. If not, this is all you wanted to know. Quite easy.

In LIONELL SECURITY we have your interests at heart and render excellent service. As a professional, duty is supreme and I have got to perform it.

Interesting, your associate preferred “Authorised Special Delivery”. Yes. The simple clarification is that I am the ONLY official assigned to your job. The only person aware of your classified info, which is vital and confidential.

And in case of loss or damage to the consignment, I would be held responsible.

Apparently, painlessly, it pays to be careful at work. Good for a good relationship with customers.

After my activities on Monday 8th November at the airport, it would be ideal to deliver to you on Tuesday the 9th after our meeting. I have absolute independence over your delivery and can deliver wherever you want me to with my van.

Always busy. Kindly get the charges ready and adjust your schedule to suit this purpose. I have concluded delivery procedures as discussed.

I rang your number several times. It is faulty. Feel free to call me with any phone at your disposal. Let’s keep in touch till Monday against a Tuesday meeting. Reply as soon as possible.

Thanking you in anticipation.

Yours sincerely,

Edward Mills

From: Edward Mills

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: GREAT EXPECTATIONS

Sent: Sat, 06 Nov 2004 08:34:24 -0800

Dear Murray,

Your mail appreciating my efforts was received and you deserve more thanks.

The delay in mailing you was not deliberate. Yahoo mail failed throughout and I doubt if you received the mails I sent to you earlier today.

In LIONELL SECURITY we have your interests at heart and render excellent service. As a professional, duty is supreme and I have got to perform it.

Interestingly, your associate preferred “Authorised Special Delivery”. Yes. The simple clarification is that I am the ONLY official assigned to your consignment. The only person aware of your CLASSIFIED INFO, which is vital and confidential. And lastly, in case of loss or damage to the consignment, I could be held responsible.

Apparently, painlessly, it pays to be careful at work. Good for customer relationship.

After my activities on Monday 8th November at the AIRPORT, it would be ideal to deliver to you on Tuesday 9th November after our meeting in London. Act fast.

I have got absolute independence in handling your delivery and could deliver wherever you want me to with my van.

Always busy on field work. Tuesday definite. Kindly get the charges ready and adjust your schedule to suit this purpose. No pains no gains. I act on instructions.

I have concluded the delivery procedures and am waiting for you.

I rang your number. The line is faulty. Feel free to call me with my own number.

Expect my confirmation on Monday morning.

Thanking you in anticipation.

Yours sincerely,

Edward Mills

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Edward Mills

Subject: BLEAK HOUSE

Sent: Sun, 07 Nov 2004 12:31:51

Dear Mr Mills,

Thank you for your two very similar emails. I am sorry to hear that you have been experiencing email problems.

Unfortunately, Tuesday is no good for me. As I said in my last email to you, if we cannot make a meeting on Monday, it will have to be Thursday. I am a busy and important businessman and cannot simply adjust my schedule at the drop of a hat. Therefore, kindly confirm that a meeting on Thursday will be acceptable to you.

I am aware that there is a fault with my telephone line. I told you this in my last email. That is why I suggested that we communicate by email until my line is fixed.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. I would appreciate it if you would address me properly: either as “Gilbert”, or preferably as “Mr Murray”. Politeness costs nothing.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar

Subject: Everything is in hand

Sent: Sun, 07 Nov 2004 12:33:23

Dear Mr Hamzar,

Thank you for your email. I am writing to ensure you that everything is in hand, and I am in the process of arranging a meeting with Mr Mills to collect your consignment.

Incidentally, you mentioned that you wanted your consignment to be collected “quietly” (please note the correct spelling of the word). Why is this? Does Mr Mills have a problem with his hearing? Please explain.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Edward Mills

Subject: PICKWICK PAPERS

Sent: Mon, 08 Nov 2004 10:54:21

Dear Mr Mills,

I have just had a thought. You mentioned in your emails that as my associate Mr Hamzar had specified an “Authorised Special Delivery”, you would be able to deliver my consignment anywhere I wanted you to in your van.

If you would prefer to meet up and finalise things sooner than Thursday, I have a window in my schedule tomorrow evening. However, I will be here in Gypping in the Marsh, not in London. You would be more than welcome to drive up to Gypping in the Marsh for a meeting early tomorrow evening if you would prefer.

Please let me know which option suits you best. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Edward Mills

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: MEETING CONFIRMED

Sent: Mon, 08 Nov 2004 04:17:49 -0800 (PST)

Dear Mr Murray,

Your mails dated 7th & 8th November were received. My previous mail was not intended to disrupt your personal programmes. Your associate Mr Hamzar did want an express delivery. However, and having read your mail yesterday, I had already made fixtures to suit your desire for Thursday. I am aware you are a busy Chief Executive.

Please ignore my previous mail. Thursday OK for you. Maintain it.

I shall mail you a reminder on Wednesday stating the time of meeting. Nice communicating with you. You are a man of competence and integrity.

All is set.

Looking forward to meeting you and thanks for your patronage.

Best regards.

Edward Mills

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Edward Mills

Subject: Our meeting on Thursday

Sent: Mon, 08 Nov 2004 14:04:17

Dear Mr Mills,

Thank you for your email. I am pleased to see that a meeting on Thursday is agreeable to you.

I must tell you that I already have two meetings planned in London on Thursday: as you know, I am a busy man. If I am to meet with you as well on Thursday, I will have to fit you in around my other two meetings.

I have a meeting in the morning with my advertising agency in Covent Garden, and a meeting in the afternoon at the Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food. I have a two hour window between these two meetings, between twelve o’clock and two o’clock. Therefore, I suggest that we meet up during this time window: I would suggest at half-past twelve.

As I have a meeting scheduled for the afternoon, I would rather not actually collect my consignment on Thursday lunchtime, if that is OK with you. Instead, I propose that we meet up at Thursday lunchtime to sort out the paperwork and pay the required fee, and that we then arrange for you to deliver the consignment to my home address that evening. I will probably not get back home to Gypping in the Marsh until very late on Thursday evening, but I can ensure that my wife will be at home to take delivery of the consignment on my behalf.

Given my tight schedule on Thursday, it would make sense to combine our meeting with a spot of lunch to save time. I know a marvellous little cafe just around the corner from my advertising agency in Covent Garden – the Cafe Delicious in Henrietta Street – and it would be my pleasure to treat you to a coffee and a chicken sandwich as we mull over the paperwork.

Presumably this is acceptable to you? Please confirm as soon as possible.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Edward Mills

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THURSDAY MEETING DEFINITE

Sent: Mon, 08 Nov 2004 07:04:58 -0800 (PST)

ATTN: Mr Murray,

It is alright. Agreeable to me. You are a dynamite and a delight to work with. Half-past twelve convenient to me also.

How well would I identify you in the crowd? Specify an indication or dress code etc.

The Cafe Delicious in Henrietta Street. Where? There are several Henrietta Streets in London. Please specify. Give the postcode and obvious landmarks if any.

I will not turn down lunch offer due to your humility and modesty.

Looking forward to meeting an inspiration such as you.

Warm regards.

Send reply,

Edward Mills

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Edward Mills

Subject: Our meeting on Thursday

Sent: Mon, 08 Nov 2004 17:02:36

Dear Mr Mills,

Thank you for your email. Now that you have confirmed, I have entered our meeting on Thursday into my diary.

I did not realise there was more than one Henrietta Street in London. Please accept my apologies for any confusion. The Cafe Delicious is on Henrietta Street in Covent Garden, just around the corner from Covent Garden Market at the back of the Royal Opera House. I don’t know the postcode, but you should be able to find it in your A to Z.

The cafe is on the south side of the street, next to Porter’s Bar, and has a red awning. Rather than meeting inside the cafe, where it might be difficult to spot each other, I suggest that we meet on the pavement outside the cafe, under the red awning. We can then move inside in order to carry out our business over lunch and a cup of coffee.

Regarding my appearance, I shall be wearing a black business suit with a blue tie, and will be carrying a black leather briefcase, containing your fee in cash. I am in my early fifties, five feet ten inches tall, of moderate build, with dark brilliantined hair and a moustache. Please send me details of your appearance and what you will be wearing so that I will be able to identify you.

I shall have my PA print out some directions to my house in Gypping in the Marsh before Thursday, and bring them along with me to enable you to deliver the consignment without any problems. Apart from your fee, is there anything else I need to bring? Identification, for example? Please advise.

I look forward to meeting you on Thursday.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Shai Hamzar

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Everything is in hand

Sent: Mon, 08 Nov 2004 22:32:53 +0100

Dear Gilbert,

Thanks very much for your mail. For your question, Edward Mills is doing fine. The director of the company here in Dubai let me know that the Lionell Security Company in London appointed him as an authorised handler in their company. He is doing well from what I heard and I really believe that he is working well, and I am very sure my consignment will be delivered to you. Please continue with him.

Thanks very much.

Regards,

Shai Hamzar

From: Edward Mills

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: SO FINE

Sent: Tue, 09 Nov 2004 07:27:34 -0800 (PST)

Dear Mr Murray,

Our meeting on Thursday concrete.

I shall locate Henrietta Street.

I got your description.

I will be wearing a black jacket over black trousers with a black neck muffler.

Our common PASSWORD is HAMZAR.

Already know I am working for Mr Gilbert Murray, but come with any personal identification and your CLASSIFIED INFO. Very vital.

I do not envisage any problem. Can always find my bearing.

Regards,

Edward Mills

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Edward Mills

Subject: I look forward to meeting you on Thursday

Sent: Tue, 09 Nov 2004 17:28:32

Dear Mr Mills,

Thank you for your email, and for confirming what you will be wearing. We should be able to pick each other out without any problems whatsoever.

You suggested using a password. I think this is an excellent idea: one can never have too much security. However, I feel that sharing the same password is potentially insecure: if we share the same password, anyone could come up to you in the street and ask you for a password, and when you asked them for a password in return, they could simply repeat the password you had just given to them (“Hamzar”), and you would think that they were me.

To get around this potentially dangerous security loophole, I propose that instead of using a simple one-word password, we instead use a question and answer for security: you ask me a question when we first meet, and if I recognise the question, I will give you the correct answer. That way we can both be certain that we are who we think we are.

As you probably know, I am in the poultry business, and I am in the process of starting up a new business breeding the Gypping Cock, a large cockerel with a particularly elaborate set of tail feathers and fine, rare meat, with a view to producing new cock-based ready meals. With this in mind, I propose that we use a security question and answer that are related to my business: when you see me in the street, you should approach me and ask “What is the best way to eat cock?”, to which I will reply “Cooked in a thick chasseur sauce”.

If I see you first, I will of course approach you and ask you the question, and you should then give me the answer. I am sure you will agree, this is much more secure than using a single password.

I look forward to meeting you on Thursday, Mr Mills, and to concluding our business successfully.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Edward Mills

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: GOOD TIDINGS

Sent: Wed, 10 Nov 2004 04:50:58 -0800 (PST)

ATTN: Mr Murray,

Thank you for the mail. Your correction noted and adopted.

I can feel it. You are enthusiastic about your pet project. Congratulations. I am impressed and I wish you great a breakthrough in the poultry business.

It is apparent your product will reign and you will excel.

More feathers to your cap.

Let’s meet there.

Best regards,

Edward Mills

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Edward Mills

Subject: I shall see you tomorrow

Sent: Wed, 10 Nov 2004 13:56:27

Dear Mr Mills,

Thank you for your email. I am pleased to see that you have agreed to accept my suggestion of using a question and answer for added security. Security has been high on my list of priorities ever since I had a run in with the Ukrainian Poultry Mafia a couple of years ago. They managed to hack into my company records and attempted to poach some of my most lucrative contracts.

Thank you for your kind words regarding my proposed new poultry-breeding business. It is very much in the early stage of development, and in fact I am relying on the successful conclusion of our transaction to provide me with the funds I require to get the business up and running.

I shall see you tomorrow, outside the Cafe Delicious. I suggest that whichever one of us gets there first should stand directly underneath the cafe’s red awning, to make it as easy as possible for us to locate each other.

I should perhaps warn you that meetings with my advertising agency can sometimes overrun slightly. Therefore, please accept my apologies in advance if I am a few minutes late.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Edward Mills; Cc: Shai Hamzar

Subject: Explain yourself, Mills

Sent: Thu, 11 Nov 2004 14:10:36

Mills,

Where the bloody hell were you this lunchtime? Explain yourself, man. I am a busy and important businessman, and I am not accustomed to being kept hanging around by subordinates.

I was outside the Cafe Delicious from twenty-past twelve onwards. Twelve-thirty came and went and there was no sign of you. Then when I telephoned you using one of those damn mobile monstrosities that I borrowed from my PA, you told me that you were on your way, so I waited. But you never showed up.

In the end I waited for you until quarter-past one, Mills. What the hell do you think you are playing at? I do not appreciate being kept hanging around in the cold by someone who cannot keep their appointments. It was a bitter day today, so I waited in my car outside the cafe for most of the time to keep myself warm.

Do you think this is some sort of game, Mills? Well I for one am not laughing. I am trying to engage in a serious business transaction here. If you were a serious man, you would have showed up on time.

Well Mills, now that you have managed to completely mess things up today, where do we go from here?

I am extremely displeased with you, and I can assure you that my associate Mr Hamzar will be similarly upset. Get back to me at once and explain yourself, or you can forget this entire business.

Gilbert Murray

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Shai Hamzar; Cc: Edward Mills

Subject: I have had enough of this fiasco

Sent: Mon, 15 Nov 2004 12:07:25

Hamzar,

I have just about had enough of this fiasco. First of all you mess me around by placing your consignment into the hands of a hopeless drunkard, then you mess me around by entrusting it to a damn fool like Edward Mills, a man so useless that he can’t even make a business appointment.

I have never dealt with such a shower of blithering idiots in my entire life. Are you people playing some sort of childish game here? I’ll bet Saddam Hussein didn’t put up with such nonsense when you worked for him, Hamzar.

Are you sure you were Saddam Hussein’s steward, Hamzar? I find it hard to believe that a head of state would place a fool like you in anything approaching a position of authority. Going by your performance in this caper, I’d be surprised if you could wipe your own backside without some form of assistance.

Whatever. I had had enough of playing around with you two morons. I have instead decided to move forward with that nice Mr Abacha, who seems to be the acme of professionalism, in stark contrast to you. Dealing with you two has been like dealing with Laurel and Hardy.

Having said all that, you’ve probably been captured by the Americans by now, Hamzar, although I cannot for the life of me imagine why they would be interested in you. They’ve already got one complete idiot in the White House, so what they want with another one like you is beyond me.