Can I Say That?

They don't call gossip "dirt" for nothing.

“Did you hear that Tony's getting a divorce?” my coworker Stacie said in a hushed tone by the coffeemaker, interrupting an important deliberation between the chocolate hazelnut and the French roast. I had not heard this news about our boss, but having the intelligence foisted on me put me in a kosher pickle. On the one hand, I didn't want to be an accomplice to dishing about Tony’s troubles. But on the other hand (since when you are Jewish there is always another hand), if I appeared to refuse to play this round of office gossip, an ancient and time-honored, if less-than-honorable tradition, I might be branded as anti-social. Besides, I needed Stacie’s help on an upcoming project. I couldn’t afford to tick her off.

They should put a warning label on gossip that reads, “You shmooze, you lose.”

“That’s very sad,” I said, while still managing to enjoy the tantalizing aroma of my coffee and strategizing a quick getaway. “Uh oh, look at the time!” I glanced at my watch. “I’ve got a conference call in five minutes. See ya!” I only spilled a few drops of coffee while I skedaddled, but at least I hadn’t spilled any lashon hara, Hebrew for gossip.

Okay, the claim about the conference call was a little white lie, but I’m willing to bet my Bubbe’s secret recipe for Hungarian stuffed cabbage that it was justified. After all, I was only trying to avert the far more serious offense of spreading the latest scuttlebutt about other people. Jewish tradition approves of gossip like it approves shellfish or pork. In fact, we're supposed to make sure that what comes out of our mouths is as kosher as what goes in to our mouths. Yet my guess is that the Major Industrial Gossiping Complex generates at least 75% of the American gross domestic product, through tell-all magazines and books, reality TV shows, and social networking. This makes it almost impossible for us to avoid hearing, reading, or even participating in a bit of wicked wiggle-waggle in our daily lives.

Since everybody knows (don't they?) that gossip is a highly contagious method of spreading hurt feelings, anger, jealousy, damaged reputations and fizzled relationships, why don't we have warning labels on anyone or anything transmitting and transporting the stuff? After all, if the law can mandate warning labels on coffee cups ("Contents hot!") or batteries ("If you think acid reflux is a problem, wait till you swallow these!") why not on copies of People magazine? The warning label could say simply, "You shmooze, you lose. You choose."

It's hard to be hopeful that these warning labels will appear anytime soon, so I've developed an arsenal of methods to resist the lure of juicy gossip. However, all methods of gossip-avoidance are not created equal. For example, I once tried taking a vow of silence, but this is hard for most Jews, and I only lasted for seven minutes. Another time, when someone wanted me to agree that a co-worker's new hairstyle was plug ugly, I said, "Sorry, I'm gossip-intolerant." However, I was branded as a religious extremist for the next month and was left out of the end-of-the-year holiday gift exchange.

Since then, I have refined my strategies. Sudden-Onset-Conference-Call Syndrome, which I used to brilliant effect with my co-worker Stacie, is not only more subtle, but it has boosted my reputation, since I seem to be much in demand professionally. Switching the subject to avoid getting chewed up in the rumor mill is another excellent gambit, but requires more finesse and advance planning. (Do not try this while under the influence of medications that warn against operating heavy machinery at the same time.) I learned this the hard way, when a cousin at a family function started badmouthing our Uncle Harry as a skinflint. Eager to derail the gossip train, I said impulsively, "Hey, how about those Knicks this season?" The cousin stared at me and said, "You don't even follow the Knicks," which was undeniably true.

Now I've amassed loads of conversation switchers at the ready. These include asking if the informant if she has seen the new exhibit of Aboriginal art at the museum, heard about the exciting discovery of a new galaxy four hundred billion light years from Earth, or read the news about the latest medical thinking about whether dark chocolate really is good or you or not -- as if that would change anything for my eating habits no matter what they decided.

But my favorite conversation switcheroo is complimenting the rumormonger. "Say, I heard your kid was 4th-grader of the Month at her school!" is a good one, provided it's true (fact-checking may be required on this stratagem). Don't go overboard, since insincere flattery is also a form of lashon hara, but just as a stopped clock is still right twice a day, there must be something nice you can find to say to a gossip. The beauty of this is that no one can resist having a flattering light shone on them. It's a way of saying, "But enough about them, let's talk about YOU!" I guarantee it: they'll fall for it every time.

Even simple conversations are not always so simple when you're Jewish, but hey, we’re The Chosen People – we can handle it. Besides, when our gossip-defense shields are alerted, we really can make the world a more peaceful place, one carefully phrased comment at a time.

Visitor Comments: 11

(11)
Elan Butler,
June 22, 2010 7:48 PM

Intent is the real point.

We can all argue over the word by word construction of an article, a conversation, a thought or sentence. This, I believe, is an inefficient and unproductive use of time or means of conveying information. I can say that as my Bubbie would have said, ''choose you words carefully that you might not insult someone or do an injustice with your words. Passing on joyous news mine, yours or someone else can never be a bad thing as a good news is by definition is good news it's the party receiving it that determines if it's good news to them and that based on social, religious or political views and practices. What is done with all good intent can be wrong but should have the merit given it, that it was meant in the best of ways. Intent being the decider it's hard to have a heartache with a genuine person who simply made a verbal faux pa. If the outcome of what is said is a negative, short of fire get out now etc, then it is something you probably should not get your self involved with. The term relates to those things that we choose to talk about being harmful or helpful. I ask you what do you really want to talk about that which helps or that which worst case scenario ends up on the front page of the paper as the latest round of brand x bad news.

(10)
chaiah schwab,
June 1, 2010 2:57 AM

Great article!, and and answer to comment #6

In answer to #6: lashon harah is anything derogatory. If it's something that the person may not want to be public yet, it's just common courtesy to avoid the topic. If you don't know wether the person cares about it becoming public, perhaps just say to your co-worker, "Let's wait to discuss this until after he announces it, in case he isn't ready for it to be public knowledge." In case you suspect you'll become known as a good-goody, I learned a great line: you can say, "You know, I wouldn't have known this myself, but last night (or "last Sunday" or "last year") I went to a lecture on gossip and its adverse effects, and would you believe that what we are speaking about falls right into that category?!"

(9)
Sara,
May 27, 2010 5:35 AM

Great article!

This is a wonderful article. Witty and informative. Let's us look and laugh at ourselves and say "she's right; I shouldn't be gossiping--what can I say instead?"

(8)
Daniella,
May 27, 2010 3:43 AM

Thank you for enlighting us and doing so humorously

Hohmat Haim that shines with the wisdom (and recipes) of generations)
I can easily implement this though im a secular jew and live in Israel

(7)
Anonymous,
May 26, 2010 1:05 AM

Another Jewish question ?

Isolation vs socializiing, sharing lunch with co-workers vs doing it alone. Looking like an hermit vs listening to gossip. There is a cost benefit in both stances. What would be your choice ? This is something I wonder everyday at noon in the office. My best solution is to do both

(6)
Rachel,
May 25, 2010 6:40 PM

Funny AND True

I do have one question -- what about "nice" gossip; e.g. "Did you hear our boss is engaged?" My feeling is that if Boss hasn't told you personally, one should not repeat it (there's always possibilty someone got the info wrong, or Boss doesn't want everyone to know just yet, or whatever.) But a lot of people I know who avoid lashon hara say that this kind of "news" is perfectly alright. Anyone else want to weigh in?

(5)
Anonymous,
May 25, 2010 6:36 PM

Really good!!

Unfortunately, this is a subject that still needs LOT of focus. This article was able to deal with it in an interesting and humorous way. Even those who usually roll their eyes in a "not THAT subject again" way could read it and enjoy it (and hopefully learn from it!!).

(4)
,
May 25, 2010 5:41 PM

I have been in situations where the gossip was psychopathic and pathological. I would not get involved and still don't know the name of the young woman upstairs in another office but she got drawn in. When she would see me the fear in her eyes told me all I needed to know. The office mgr. was very manipulative and in 30 years in that same position never took one course. In the 80's it was $1.00 per credit hour. Amazing and I took coursework. For her, however, her job and course work was just what she did. When the Associate Dean retired so did the mgr. because she had no protector. She would pit professors against each other as well. It was one horrible place to work and I switched offices so many times until I just started back to school full time. It was much better. You may be surprised how many people work at a University and hate students. Duh! Without students there would be no jobs. Sometimes just a compliment about a color being so nice on someone, or doesn't this coffee smell great and I need a cup. Gossip is such a horrible way of communicating. This article shows, with humor, that there are so many other ways to behave and be humane and even funny, but tactful. It saves a lot of pain and humiliation on everyone's part. Thanks for this article because I know that I am not the only one that finds this kind of situation problematic.

(3)
yehudit,
May 25, 2010 2:20 PM

brilliant strategy!!

I am awed by the brilliance of the flattery strategy. It's not flattery for the sake of it, it actually SAVES the gossiper at the same time! No need for facts either, a compliment about hair or appearance would probably also work, too, right? Like: Hold that thought, I've just noticed how great you look. What have you been up to?
Let's just hope that doesn't lead to more gossip....!

(2)
Dena,
May 25, 2010 1:12 PM

Great Article!

That's all I have to say - Great article!

(1)
wow,
May 25, 2010 12:44 AM

i really liked this article... i was looking for something good to read and this just did it!!! Thanx!!!!

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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