Finding The One

How do I know if this is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life?

About three years ago, a friend of mine met a woman. Two weeks later, when he told me that she was The One, I helpfully pointed out that it takes Amazon.com longer to ship me a book. I am happy to report that they are still (to be honest, nauseatingly) in love, married two years and completely without doubt that they stood under the chuppah alongside their soul mate.

Lucky them. For the rest of us, lurching toward the M-word is a little less clear. You reach a point in your vaunted relationship where it's either "do"(that whole nuptials thing) or "die"(bye-bye, relationship). And how are you supposed to know?

"I love him," (or her), we think. "But is this person the I want to be with for the rest of my life?"

You can think about this so much and so hard and so long that the bloom wears off the relationship and all of a sudden it's three years later and someone asks why it didn't work out with so-and-so and you don't really have an answer.

Even worse is getting caught up in the wonderment and bliss that new love offers -- that heady, intoxicating heaven-on-earth of fresh devotion -- and then discovering (when the catering contract is already signed) that she wants to buy a small cottage in Maine and you were expecting to raise a large family in Los Angeles.

Dreamily remarking that you hope your kids have his eyes is NOT communication.

Toward whichever end of the scale you fall, asking yourself some honest questions can reveal whether you have the groundwork necessary for a successful marriage.

COMMUNICATION IS KEY

Every relationship is helped by good communication, but a marriage will not survive without it. So you need to figure out if you and your beloved can talk and share openly. Can you express your feelings, needs and share when you're hurt? Does he/she listen to and understand you (or at least try)? Do you listen to your partner and feel comfortable that she/he is open with you?

More than feelings, you have to be able to discuss life issues. Solid communication is NOT dreamily remarking that you hope your kids have his eyes. Can you discuss your personal strengths and weaknesses, your vision of a family and how it works, your priorities, your attitude toward money, and how you want to structure your daily life?

What happens when you disagree? Can the two of you take a painful or difficult problem and work it through? Resolving issues involves discussion and solution, not merely a cessation of hostilities or a well-placed bribe. Sending flowers or offering a backrub is not called "working it through."

Be concerned if you find yourself continually quelling feelings of resentment or anger, or if you feel that your partner isn't open and honest with you. Be even more concerned if you find yourself avoiding serious discussions -- or if you hold back from expressing your true feelings, goals or opinions -- because you worry about what your partner might think or say.

You must feel safe exposing your truest, innermost self.

Marriage Lite does not work in the long-run. You must feel safe exposing your truest, innermost self to this person.

THE VISION THING

It's essential that he/she see that inner you. After all, marriage is about building a life together. Once you've communicated your feelings, hopes and dreams, you need to check that what you want out of life matches your partner's vision.

The big and obvious questions are children (if, now or later, and how many), religious issues, and priorities such as balancing work and family. If you're looking for a wife who will stay home full-time with the kids, you'd better clear it with your partner-track lawyer girlfriend before you start shopping for diamonds. If you want a new car every two years, fancy vacations and designer clothes, be sure you're marrying someone who won't mind you doing 60- or 70-hour workweeks. If religion is important to you, don't marry someone who views spirituality as a bunch of bunk.

If you love entertaining, you may be frustrated with a wife who views her home as a sanctuary from other people. If you're a major saver, you may protest when your husband wants to charge the down payment on a house. If you love working out and hiking, you may have trouble adjusting to life with someone who views grocery shopping as an athletic activity.

SMALL DIFFERENCES

You both need to realize, though, that your spouse is not going to be like you in every way. No one will ever be, thank God. (And the idea of marrying your twin is anyway icky.) Being different from each other is not only normal, natural and healthy -- it's inevitable.

The question is whether the differences are things that will drive you apart, or magnetize you together.

It's also essential to recognize that the longer you've been single, the more set in your ways you become. So don't let small things come in the way of your long-term happiness. Accept that your partner will enjoy different activities, do things differently and have different opinions.

Issues pop up even with the most compatible couples. Friends of mine spent their first year of marriage in vicious battle over whether toilet paper should roll from the top or the bottom. They eventually resolved this crisis, and are now quibbling over replacement of the toothpaste cap.

Still, remove as many land mines as you can beforehand. Love can conquer a lot, but it can't hold together a couple who are going in separate directions.

"Working it out" does not mean the two of you have to do it alone. If your not sure whether an issue is surmountable, consult a rabbi or trusted counselor.

THE FIRST STEP

If you have all the basics right, what you may need most is an attitude adjustment.

It was Shakespeare’s comedies that conditioned us to view weddings as happy endings. But the Bard got it wrong -- your wedding should be a happy beginning.

A good foundation determines whether or not you approach the chuppah. But perhaps the most important thing to share is the understanding that the chuppah is only the start.

You lay a foundation before you begin building a house. Completing the building, in this case, will take a lifetime. If the foundation is there and you two are determined to make it work, you have a fighting chance of getting that happy ending -- long after the curtain falls.

About the Author

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 33

(33)
jessy,
March 25, 2014 10:15 PM

emotional intimacy

I would love to see an article on these intimacy topics. How do I know emotional intimacy is present for example. Thanks

(32)
Bob Obot,
November 13, 2009 4:32 PM

Every time I read your articles, I always get something new. I wish I could recommend it to every intending couple. God bless you for blessing us with your enlightening words.

(31)
augustine adebayo joseph,
August 5, 2009 9:58 AM

you are indeed a blessing to our generation

as matter of fact you have displayed part of which i have experience in life. technically your column is balm to wounded soul. God bless you abundantly shallom

(30)
Sarah,
June 21, 2009 3:49 PM

Excellent!

I think this is an excellent and very wise article. It IS so smart to look at compatibility issues in the "beginning," because they WILL surface down the road and cause tension, resentment and stress if two people aren't compatible.
For example, one person wants pets, the other doesn't but gives in... and then resents the hair, nastyness, allergens, vomit, etc. that one constantly has to put up with and begins to see his once "sanctuary of a home" as a chaotic dog kennel! Yes, that will cause problems!! haha

(29)
Bernie Siegel, MD,
June 21, 2009 11:45 AM

relationships

when two people are interested in the relationship the marriage is a success. the way to choose a mate is by asking your heart and not your head who is right for you and by drawing a pictuire of thew two of you and then learning from it too.

(28)
Eric J.M.S.,
February 22, 2009 1:24 PM

finding your bashert

Finding your bashert can be a long process, it can't be rushed. According to Dr. John Gray in his book "Mars and Venus on a Date", there are four types of intimacy: 1. physical, 2. mental, 3. emotional, and 4. spiritual. Not all these intimacy types will be attained with every individual dated. Sometimes the man and woman are on different levels of emotional readiness. I last dated a Conservadox woman for six months. Maybe down the road the relationship would have grown but I found an emotional disconnect between us during the time that we dated. I can't say that distance had anything to do with it because long distance relationships do work. There wasn't an effective way to balance our schedules and this put a damper on the relationship. After six months I wasn't thinking about marriage but about what she felt about children and related issues. She felt uncomfortable about it. It's funny as I saw a similar Aish.com dating article about a Larry and Laura, so this may be the same woman that I dated. She wasn't ready but I was. We had a nice e-mail and phone friendship, a mental chemistry but not so much physical, emotional, and definitely not spiritual (soul mate). We broke up as a result. It's hard but not impossible to find someone that you click with and vise versa. Finding your soul mate is somewhat of a trial and error process. The work is worth it if you can find someone you can share the rest of your life with and the same goes for her. For me, it's better luck next time. I'm glad that it worked out for the couple mentioned in the article but it's not always a cut-and-dried process. Life's not a fairytale, living happily ever after is fantasy.

(27)
Rikki,
December 13, 2008 11:56 AM

cool article
after all that you start thinking that it's not justa simple case of "L lone you -and you love me "
but way more complex
thank G-d there is a Torah to guide or I'de be lost!

(26)
Leor,
December 11, 2008 12:46 PM

Excellent advice!

I am very pleased and delighted with the practical advice dispersed in your column. I found all the points presented to be true, rational, and objective - it was very funny.

(25)
Sara,
December 3, 2008 2:04 AM

not important

all these small things are not important. Plus, I don't think many people in today have enough money to buy a cottage in maine, so problem solved :D

(24)
Anonymous,
November 13, 2008 11:32 AM

Point of marriage

Are you nice to your wife because that is the moral thing to do or do you do it because Hashem commanded you to! If your relationship is totally dependent on that premise than when your and your spouse come into friction, it is only the fact that Hashem guides you than that will be the assurance that the relationship will be in tact. The proof, the Rosh Haysheva (who gave this Dvar torah)wife confided in me and said "in all my years of marriage (at least 24) The Rosh Haysheva never said a not nice word to me.

(23)
Ronni,
November 3, 2008 9:56 PM

Not Really

I couldn't disagree more with this article! I'm married for over twelve years now and I can tell you that my husband and myself have both changed enormously. Things that you think are written in stone and are so important suddenly become less so. People grow be it in ideals, maturity, dealing with conflicts etc. So here's my list of what to watch out for and what to look for.
1-Religious compatibility. You should be at a similar level or else it won't work(at least not without terrible frustration, patience, and pain).
2-A kind-hearted person who pays attention to you and treats everyone well (including their parents, run for the hills from those that can't be polite at the very least with their parents, expect similar treatment).
3-Similar views on how to raise children and what type of schools you expect to send them to (very, very important as this can absolutely break a marriage).
4-If money is important to you make sure you marry someone self-confident and ambitious especially if you're kind of shrewish or you'll make your spouse miserable by your disrespect.
4-Don't marry someone that drinks alot or takes any drugs at all. What you think is just an occasional thing is not. The best way to find out about a person is to speak with members of his synagogue (they've seen it all). Unfortunately, there's no similar group that'll tell you the truth about a woman so it's best to just observe her when she's around her family and small children (don't marry someone who calls kids brats).
5-Above all, don't marry someone who tries to control who you see, what you wear, and who you talk to. From first-hand observation I can tell you it only gets a million times worse. Of course if you really do dress like a slut he should expect that and if you usually don't but this time did and he was bothered by it out of love and concern for him but not fear you should do as he asks.
6-Be the kind of person someone would want to marry. Try to see his/her viewpoint even when you disagree, think before speaking, have a sense of humor, don't expect perfection, if you need someone to change ask for it in a loving manner, picking up dirty socks takes two seconds (yes, your two seconds but he puts up with some of your annoying behavior too), don't compare, it's not the movies, he won't stare at you dazzle-eyed and neither will she every day but as your love grows you'll look at each other with love and happiness. The bottom line is where you want to live, whether someone is quiet or loud, a little sloppy, don't have similar interests in music, sports, movies etc. is all pretty umimportant. You're getting married for love and to have a family not to be a siamese twin. "Until 120 years!"

(22)
Atara,
November 2, 2008 7:05 PM

Good article except for one part....

I enjoyed the article except that part about a guy who should not marry a girl who is becoming a lawyer if he wants a girl that will stay home. Just because a woman is furthering her education does not mean she cannot take time off or achive a family career balance. I know plenty of woman who got their law degrees and worked part time or went back to work after their children were grown up. I think the best way to find the right one is to not be so stuck in your ways, be less judgemental, allow time for sparks to develop, and to go in with an open mind.

(21)
Celia M.,
November 2, 2008 11:15 AM

Finding the One

I enjoyed this article.
And as a person from the previous generation, who were not enough informed about not compromising with our deep values, our dignity as a woman, justice, freedom of choices, and receiving trust from my husband, and most specifically in matters of religion and spirituality, and the presence of God in the marriage, I find this article enlightening, and I would suggest further and deeper insight into its vision.
Today´s couples are more acquainted with the rights of each other, and each one´s responsibilites. And there are so many opportunities to check if the other one shares our views and values. One should not compromise, as read above, with profound matters such as dignity, freedom, trust, religion, children, health, and somewhat lifestyle. Although I find that the latter one can be accomodated to suit both, if there is understanding in most profound issues.
I believe this article is very important for everyone entering into a relationship, for marriage or for a lasting friendship, too. Thank you and Shalom!

(20)
Kewpie,
May 31, 2005 12:00 AM

Excellent article

You cannot change a person,you can only encourage him or her to be one with you in making a difference for both of you lives together.

(19)
Esther,
March 29, 2005 12:00 AM

Know what is important to you

Excellent article! I have been happily married for three years and my husband and I give this advice to our single or newly married friends: everyone has certain things that are important to them. No one else can tell you what these should be, whether it is a lifestyle issue (such as the article talks about, with wanting the house quiet or wanting to entertain a lot), religious issues, etc. You need to try to figure out what the areas are that are, for you, not compromisable. And the other partner should do the same. This idea can help with choosing a spouse - don't marry someone with whom you have a difference on one of yours or their non-compromisable issues - or for resolving problems within a marriage. We try to solve conflict usually not by "compromising" (in which both people are a little unhappy) but rather by letting the person to whom it is a more important issue have their way. Because we both get our way when it is important to us, we are happy to give the other person their way when it is important to them. On rare occasions when we cannot agree this way, we seek advice or work together to find a solution.

(18)
Shari Gordon,
March 13, 2005 12:00 AM

very good article,thorough and tpo the point, illuminising whats
imporatant,one of the best articles I've read on the subject of when to stay
in a relationship and when to let go.

(17)
Rachel,
March 13, 2005 12:00 AM

I think this article is one of the most incredible articles I have ever read in my life.

I see couples that have been married for 40 or 50 years and I sometimes wonder how! It is wonderful. Regarding not paying too much attention to details, do you think age difference of 11 years or more in some cases is ok or not?

(16)
shane,
March 11, 2005 12:00 AM

interesting

it is good

(15)
Hector,
March 8, 2005 12:00 AM

Romance isn't everything

I have known several married couples who were so absorbed in each other and so joined at the hip that (I assume) they ended up sucking each other dry and breaking up. At first it's a real shock that John & Jane have broken up-they were always so close-but then it seems as if it was inevitable, they were too close, like Siamese twins.

The happiest married couples I know have differences; one couple argued & fought through 52 years of an incredibly close marriage; they argued because they could afford to, nothing could harm their bond. They could also make each other collapse laughing with a word or a look after 5 decades ! How enviable !

(14)
Lana,
March 6, 2005 12:00 AM

is this the one

I engoyed this article very much. My husband and I are the only ones married in our circle of friends. Our friends always comment that they want to find that right person and have as good as relationship as we do. But this was not easy. We are very different and had many different ideas about what we wanted to do in life. Somehow all those things each of us wants to do intertwine together. We learned to compromise on things we disagree on and try what the other person wants to do. My husband wanted to live in the country. We did that for several years. I wanted to live in a city. Recently we moved to New York and he loves it. I always wanted to live in Israel. We plan to move there in the next couple of years. The way we look at all these different things we want to do that if we don't like it, we can go back to what we like, but we'll never know unless we try. This has been working for us. We do have things we both agree on, but as for the things we don't we either compromise or try both ways. My husband and I have been together for 5.5 years and married for 2.5 years.

(13)
Phil,
June 17, 2004 12:00 AM

prepare to meet someone

failing to prepare is preparing to fail

(12)
DMT,
August 27, 2002 12:00 AM

Never ever give up !

BELIEVE :)

(11)
,
April 19, 2002 12:00 AM

Love does not conquar all.

TRUE love and compatibilities still does not conquar all because there is no perfect relationship. Though, a couple will work things out together much better.

(10)
carolyn cohen,
April 8, 2002 12:00 AM

excellent. I hope men read this.

(9)
Anonymous,
April 7, 2002 12:00 AM

go with your instinct

If a little voice keeps you vacillating, you probably should not ignore it. If you can't picture yourself with this person on a daily basis, how they would fit into your family, or if you have some other nagging doubt, be cautious. It is easy to talk yourself into staying with a person, because they are basically a good, decent human being. That is a start, but not always enough to hold a partnership together. Remember Dear Abby's question: Are you better off with him or without him? Answer just once, and tell yourself the truth.

(8)
nancy salamon,
June 19, 2001 12:00 AM

advice i should have had

The article was well written and covered all the important points. I would just like to add that when you delve deeply into all those important issues before marriage, be fearless, discover what you both really think, before it's too late. Remember, the ONLY PERSON YOU RISK AGGRAVATING IS YOUR FUTURE EX-SPOUSE.

(7)
Anonymous,
May 9, 2001 12:00 AM

poignant, succinct, right-on!

The article really hits home, and puts things into perspective. I enjoyed the article. Hopefully, I'll use it to steer myself correctly in a wonderful relationship.

(6)
Manuela Brown,
February 19, 2001 12:00 AM

Add to school curriculum

this must be one of the most sensible articles written on the topic! the sort of thing which should be included in the school social studies curriculum. Give kids at least some straight-forward, level-headed advice, which they can actually follow in practical terms, instead of leaving them with all the ridiculous media messages and stupid "Cinderella and the Prince" ideas they get from soap operas and magazine articles. I'm printing this article for my 17 year old daughter! thanks a lot.

(5)
Manju Nair,
February 16, 2001 12:00 AM

Great article! Truely...

your article reads minds... it indeed reflects the depth of life and relationships. Since we are all social beings, relationships have become the food for soul. I can tell you that Iam married to a person as normal and as ordinary as any other human and Iam also very human- toggling between weak and strong.And one good story of my life has had a good shakespearan ending leading to yet another beginning called life.
I think you have done a great job.

(4)
REGINA,
February 15, 2001 12:00 AM

this article was amazing!!

Stefanie thank you so much for this article.It set a lot of things straight for me. please write more articles your great

(3)
Anonymous,
February 15, 2001 12:00 AM

Wonderful!

These are some great tips on finding THE ONE, as well as for relationships in general. Thank you so much for shedding light in this area of Jewish life.

(2)
Anonymous,
February 14, 2001 12:00 AM

Thanks

I think that's a great article. Great life-questions. Thank you.

(1)
marilyn samet,
February 11, 2001 12:00 AM

a 75 yr old reacts.....

a WWII widow I married a simpatico relative..who I knew only via letters and shared family. I ruined his life and my own with our innocent differences....Been divorced..and still friends...20 yrs..(Married over 30)..your article should be a must for every prenup.....!

We have a canistel (or eggfruit) tree our backyard which we’d like to get rid of. We do not eat its fruit, and the fruit and leaves make a constant mess. I haven’t found anyone who is interested in its fruit – even to take it from us for free. I would like to replace it with an orange tree (we live in Miami). Is there any problem doing so?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah actually writes specifically that we may not cut down fruit trees (Deuteronomy 20:19-20). From this the Sages learn a more general principle that one may not purposelessly waste or destroy anything of value – food, good utensils, clothes, etc. (see e.g. Talmud Baba Kama 91b, Shabbat 140b).

The Talmud (Baba Kama 91-92) distinguishes that whenever there is a legitimate reason, one may cut down a fruit tree – if it damages other trees or plants, if it’s not productive and not worth its upkeep, if it’s more valuable for the wood, etc. The commentators include in this dispensation when ones needs the space the tree is growing on (Rosh Baba Kama 8:15).

There is, however, a frightening line in the Talmud there which makes people much more hesitant to rely on the above leniency. Rabbi Chanina stated that his son died young as a punishment for his cutting a fig tree before its time. Thus apart from the legal issue of destroying a productive tree, this law appears to carry with it severe Divine retribution.

Most authorities explain that this punishment is incurred only if a person cuts down a fruit tree without legitimate reason, but there is a minority opinion that it is incurred even if the tree is cut with good reason.

As a result, even in cases where a legitimate reason applies, people generally take an extra precaution of first selling the tree to a non-Jew, and having a non-Jew do the actual cutting. (The entire prohibition does not apply to non-Jews.) Your case is also better in that you are cutting one fruit tree to plant another, more productive one. Even with all of this, it’s preferable, if possible, to leave a part of the original tree intact.

In 1942, Hitler devised a plan for a Museum of Judaism, to remember the dead Jewish religion, culture and people. Millions of Jewish treasures -- Torah scrolls, ritual objects, books and art -- were looted by the Nazis and taken to warehouses. In Czechoslovakia, the objects were taken to the Jewish Museum in Prague, where the Jews themselves were forced to sort, label, and pack the items for use in the Nazi's future museum. After the war, many of these items were recovered, including thousands of Torah scrolls and nearly one million books. These were distributed to Jewish communities worldwide, as a living testimony to the indestructibility of the Jewish people.

One who humiliates another person in public ... even though he may be a scholar and may have done many good deeds, nevertheless loses his portion in the eternal world (Ethics of the Fathers 3:15).

Imagine a situation: you have a fine home, a well-paying job, a comfortable car, and a substantial retirement annuity. If you do a single thoughtless act, you will lose everything you have worked to achieve: home, job, car, and savings. What kind of precautions would you take to avoid even the remotest possibility of incurring such a disaster? Without doubt, you would develop an elaborate system of defenses to assure that this event would never occur.

The Talmud tells us that everything we have worked for during our entire lives can be forfeited in one brief moment of inconsideration: we embarrass another person in public. Perhaps we may say something insulting or make a demeaning gesture. Regardless of how it occurs, the Talmud states that if we cause another person to turn pale because of being humiliated in public, we have committed the equivalent of bloodshed.

Still, we allow our tongues to wag so easily. If we give serious thought to the words of the Talmud, we would exercise the utmost caution in public and be extremely sensitive to other people's feelings, lest an unkind word or degrading gesture deprive us of all our spiritual merits.

Today I shall...

try to be alert and sensitive to other people's feelings and take utmost caution not to cause anyone to feel humiliated.

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