Why Bars may Not be the Best Place to Meet Women

Where are you most likely going to go? If you answered a bar (or pub), you answered correct.

You can get beer, there’s music, and there are girls. Perfect evening right?

Then why is it, that 9/10 times you go out, you don’t leave the bar with nothing but an empty feeling in your stomach? Sure, drinking with your buddies is great, but let’s admit it.

The #1 reason guys go out is to meet girls. And nothing wrong with that!

But why is it so hard to meet girls at bars?

The first and foremost reason is the competetion. For every girl at most bars, there are at least 3 guys. That’s a 3 to 1 ratio. Bad odds right from the beginning.

And what does this mean? It means that all the girls have already been “hit on” long before you get your chance.

Sure, I know you’re a great guy. Intelligent, funny and charming. But most guys are creeps, and women know this.

And that’s the second reason it’s so hard to meet girls at bars.

They already have their defenses up long before you get to speak a word. It’s like they shoot you down from a mile away.

And I totally get it. Seriously, wouldn’t you get tired of having guys hitting on you all night?

Why women go out

A lot of women don’t go out to meet guys. They go out to have fun with their girlfriends, dancing, getting a drink or two, and showing off in their new fancy shoes.

This is something that you have to understand:

Girls dress up to impress girls, not to impress guys!

Of course, I can’t speak in absolute truths like this. But the biggest reason that a woman spends so much time in front of the mirror before going out, is to feel great about herself. Some women spend 3+ hours before leaving.

This may sound “sick” to most men, but I know from experience that this is the truth. And don’t we appreciate it? Of course we do. We all love girls who looks stunning.

This brings me back to the topic again. Women go out to have fun. Their mindset is very different from the majority of men.

Difference in goals

They don’t want to call their girlfriends the following day, saying they went home with some drunk guy who bought her drinks.

A lot of guys want this, however. (Reverse roles of course) And women know about this. Drunk, horny men are something women encounters first in their teenage years, and it’s something they have to cope with for most of their life.

Seeking the “prince on the white horse” is something most women do all their life too.

The story they want to tell the next day is much more like this:

“Hey, I met this cute guy last night. He wasn’t at all like all the other drunk creeps in there. He introduced himself politely but in a kind of charming way, and we ended up having a really fun conversation about why most guys have such a hard time picking up women. Suddenly he took my hand and kissed me… And boy, what a kiss! He said he had to leave, but I got his number before he left. I think I’ll call him later… How was your night?”

See the difference?

My point is this:

You have to have excellent game to meet women at bars (and take it further). You have to really stand out from the crowd, and have the skills to get under her “shield”.

This is why most guys fail.

The new mindset

It’s great going to a bar with your friends. But don’t have any expectations when it comes to women.

Just grab some beers and make some new friends. That’s all.

Reserve “scoring” for all the other days in the week. And when you get really good at picking up women in the daytime, you start to “automatically” get the skills you need to pick up women in the night scene too.

So what have we learned?

Competetion at bars is fierce.

Women don’t necessarily go out to meet men, but instead just to have fun dancing with their girlfriends.

And so should you! Have fun going out, have no expectations.

Pick-up women in daytime untill you get the skills.

If you remember just one of these things the next time you go out, (and apply it correctly), you’re already miles ahead of most other guys.

Another endorsement from the ladies for this one, Alex. I’m in a committed relationship, but have no problem having a conversation with a man who is *genuinely interested* in what I have to say. If I get a vibe of “I’m just here to pick up a hot chick,” I don’t have the time of day for that dude.

Women are generally interested (ultimately) in future husband and father material if they’re looking, and they know not to look for such men in bars. Women generally seek mates through mutual friends, church, social activities and clubs (like a running or bicycle club) and much more neutral environments than bars.

Only one thing that I have to disagree on. I don’t call guys – they call me. I know that there are plenty of women that feel more comfortable getting numbers rather than giving theirs out, but there are still those of us that want things done the old-fashioned way.

To Jillista: I personally use the ‘give my number’ method just so I don’t appear to pushy…if the girl doesn’t care to talk to me again, than by all means don’t call. I’d rather just say: ‘hey, I enjoyed talking to you tonight, perhaps we can continue our conversation some other time?’ (giving her my number at this time), than to get her phone number only to find it is fake or that you call her and get that ‘omg i can’t believe i gave THIS guy my number’ vibe. I personally agree on Alex’s no expectation rule, and this method kinda goes hand in hand with that mindset i think.

I’m a bartender and i know how it goes most of the times, and i agree MOST of the times its not the best place to meet women.

But, its great for a date! No akward silences and such :]

About the meeting, well seeing as i’m single, what would you have me do?
I guess i can’t do anything besides going out with my drinking buddies until that someone comes along.
But what if i don’t want to wait? How can i make something happen from nowhere? I’m not in any clubs or activities or anything, im 20, good looking guy, no problems with interaction though i get the feeling there’s nothing good to be found in a bar, so where do i go?

if you’re a bartender, why don’t you just meet the girls while working? Bartenders usually have pretty high “value” in the club / bar environment, and if you’re also good looking and in your best age, you shouldn’t have too much of a problem meeting cute girls.

Just ask them about their night so far etc. (usual small talk), and say that you have to get back to work, but would love to talk again under more normal circumstances. Take her number. Bam.

Alex good post. I would also say dont discriminate when you go out. What I mean is talk to everyone, and if you are lucky enough to have a girl come up and talk to you- be nice. Everyone is watching. If the pretty girls see you being a gentleman, and talking to everyone equally you will be viewed favorably. And if you get into a group with both guys & girls, introduce yourself to the guys. Even if they dont like you at least you tried.

Jason, that is a really good point. Everyone are equals, pretty or not, so treat them that way, also! But of course, if you are attracted to somebody, let it show… Because you can not be attracted to everybody. Or well, in principle you can ;-)

I like your approach, it is so much easier (and fun!) not just talking to the “cute” girls. Sometimes the not so cute girls seem to be much more interesting when actually talking to them, so give them all a chance. Also the guys, you know, a stranger is just a friend you haven’t met yet!

your posts is very true. I’m surprised most guys don’t know all of that. I always thought it was basic knowledge to me, I figured it out all on my own. It wasn’t hard either. I kinda thought it was common sense.

However, I’d like to mention girls go to bars for the free drinks they know guys will buy them!

This is mostly true. Women go to the bar to be with their girlfriends and don’t really care about guys. If you are not already in their group of friends that night, you have absolutely no chance at meeting the woman that you are interested in. Its a social game that I dont understand, but just know that they aren’t there to meet somebody like you.

It’s hard to meet women in bars because some men try too hard. Just be yourself and have fun with them. If you are looking for love and it’s not working in the bar, the problem may that you are trying to force in a situation that’s difficult to make an intimate connection. Try the dog park or join a social club instead.

I can’t believe men havent figured this out already way way long ago.common dont u get it guys??
bars and clubs are a place for Sex and usually a place also for womens to play with theyre powers of attraction.Most womens in there know that most men in there are usually horny and stupid and will do evrything to get laid and that includes making a fool of themselves and giving attention to evry womens in there in the hopes to get something.Most men in bars are dumb as heck and cant get the hint when a women is not interested in them.all they do is contribute to making most womens ego bigger than they already are.If a man wants to get a women in a bar he should at least wait till he gets a sign that a women is interested in him.And that doesnt include just a smile or something.Usually actions tells it all.

what alex is talking about here is nothing new at all.
any guy with a brain knows this already its common sense.
a person just needs to learn to read between the lines thats all.
first of all u need to know that in a bar womens are usually either just looking to have fun(dancing and drink) thats all and if theyre looking for more (meaning sex) they will usually look for the sexiest guy around and chances are there is lots other choices than u she might want to pick so dont expect anything to happen.If shes only looking for sex there will always be a guy that looks like vin diesel in the bar that she can choose other than u so then your screwed and thats life.lol
thats just the way things work

This is not true. I am a woman and often I go out and no guys talk to me. It really blows. Last time I went out this guy came over to the bar and just stared and stared and didn’t say anything at all. Other times guys will gloss over you and just talk to the hottest girl in the bar, and not bother with anyone else.

The ones that do talk to me tend to screw it up by being overly pushy. For example, the other day i went to a bar, was having small talk with some friends and laughing. A really cute guy comes up to me.

To be honest, he was so sexy that I wouldn’t have minded going on a date with him, not to mention more. But he was so pushy. It was like he wanted sex right then and there, he seemed so desperate to get it right away. Then when i gave into a kiss he actually pushed me against the wall. I think he thought he was being sexy but I ended up almost punching him. Regardless I left without his phone number because he was just so aggressive.

Had he just politely asked to exchange numbers it would have been fine. Seriously, I would have thrown myself at this guy had he not acted like an asshole. I thought he was hot.

Most people just don’t even know basic manners. And then they wonder why things don’t work out.

bars are not a good place to meet women. it seems wherever i go i meet all the nasty women today. women today play hard to get and i am not into games.i was married twice and i was a very good man to both of them at the time.now that i am in my mid fifties it is very hard to meet them today. there are a lot more women today that are lesbians which adds to the problem as well. i see it happening to other men as well. i never thought that i would have to compete with women today to find a good normal woman. how disgusting is that? where do you go to find a good woman today.

Hi.
Nice article accompanied by equal comments.
I am 40, and had been married most of my younger years. Now single since December last year I have entered back into the pickup scene. I will agree it’s tough out there, and have learned a few things. I feel I’m average looks with above average build 6ft1 195 lbs athletic build. What I have learned in the past 6 months is it doesn’t matter even if your an attractive man. It’s how you are perceived. You can spend more time trying with no results why? I’ve noticed in any avenue (I’ve tried them all) online dating, bars, just out at the park, through friends.. bla bla the list goes on the one thing that turns women away fast is being overly persistent, and arrogant. Now wait.. you’ve seen, and heard these guys pick up women constantly so that makes my statement false right? No. It’s just an oxymoron that has had me confused for quite some time. I’ll try to explain out of my trials, and errors. You have to have some arrogance to be persistent, and both will score if done enough. It’s real strait forward. Do it enough and you will score eventually. Now on to the oxymoron. This also turns many women away. Actually more than you could have scored with. Like many have said previously women are usually out to have fun. They get hit on so much, and so often that it is repulsive. Making bars not such a good place to meet a woman in my books. So with that said just showing an intrest through quick meaningful small talk, and moving on works wonders. They noticed you, and your non pushiness set you apart from the rest of the repulsive guys. Did you score right away? Probably not. Could you at a later date, with the same woman? More often than if you were a pushy jerk. Takes time which most uf us guys can’t understand. It took me forever to figure this out. Frequent the same place be nice, respectful, talk to everyone, have a good time yourself, and girls will notice you. Small talk with them and eventually the opportunity will arise where you can ask them out on a real date. Women have their minds made up way before they went out. Hence the saying “getting lucky”.

meeting women for me is very hard too. i go to these clubs on the weekends and the women out there like to play games. i meet all the nasty ones. they play hard to get. and what makes it even worse they go with the ugliest guys. i know for a fact not to brag but i am a lot better looking than the guys that i see that have the women. these women seem to like ugly guys today. it is also true that there are a lot of lesbians out there which adds to the problem as well. where can us men go to meet a good woman today? if i could find the right one for me it would be like winning the lottery.

as a straight man, the way to meet a good woman is to be introduce to them. it is very hard meeting them on my own when i go out, and i seem to meet the very nasty ones as well.their attitude towards us men have changed badly. you would think going to the book store would be an easy place to meet them, but it is not. if i see a woman that i like i will try to start a conversation with her, but she will walk away from me. i see it happening to other men as well. i do not have that many friends that could introduce me to the women that they know because the ones they know are not worth meeting. i noticed that there are a lot more women out there that are gay, which kind of adds to the problem.are there any good women out there today?

I hate girls. I really do. What the fuck do they want? I just don’t get it. I am 5’11, about 175, in good shape (I run, go workout etc), I am double majoring in Philosophy and Economics, I read a lot, I have an okay car, what the fuck?

jacob, you are so right. look at it this way, there is definitely something wrong with them. many of them are very dysfunctional today, and probably have been abused by men in the past. so now they think that every guy out there is no good anymore. it is them, not us. i have the same problem too. meeting them is very hard today, because of the way they have changed. just remember, they are the ones that are messed up.

Jacob- you could apply the same scenario to sales in general. if someone rejects you before they know what you’re selling, you can’t take that personally- they have constructed a negative image in their mind, and plunked you right into it, before you even said hi.

in fact i’ve found that simply being a cute guy will land you in the douchebag category the INSTANT a woman sees you walk into a bar- this is partly due to their own insecurities (women have them too lol… not just guys). however if you can appreciate the ridiculous irony of the situation you can sometimes turn it around. try talking to a girl and just grinning like you don’t have a care in the world regardless of whatever rude BS comes out of her mouth. often this will break through the wall of ice that some of the “untouchable” women tend to carry with them when they go out.

the point is to not take it personally. however, hand in hand with that is the fact that you have to give yourself permission to fail. you are going to FLOP, and flop hard. who gives a damn. the earth still revolves around the sun, nothing changed. in fact, i would HIGHLY recommend something i call “sacrificing the approach” every once in a while. this is where you decide to go say hi to a girl in some non-standard or ridiculous way, not in a way that might really gross her out or offend her, but just be ridiculous.

like working the word “Iraq” into your opening line. think of it is an intermission between being serious about saying hi to someone you’re interested in. what will she do when you tell her the troops will be home by March instead of saying “Hi can i buy you a drink?” …. who knows?! but you don’t care, you already wrote her off this is just an exercise. and sometimes it backfires and you end up meeting someone really cool. i got into a laughing fit with a very cute total stranger doing this. she was talking about potassium to her friend i told her bananas have tons of potassium then stared at her for a while and asked if she needed a banana.

the point is you have to learn to enjoy the sound of the ice breaking. she might be rude, she might be weird, but she also might be totally cool and very sweet. i have a ton of respect for liberated confident women who are not afraid to shoot the breeze with a stranger and flirt. we’re really not all that different after all. you might THINK you’ll settle for any smoking hot girl, but trust me- you wouldn’t.

Im getting really frustrated with the whole scene. This will be a bit of a rant. I am a fairly young guy and consider myself decent lookin. I recently have tried speed dating, going to bars and grocery stores(yeah right) For the speed dating there were maybe 2 people I was interested in out of 12 the rest I simply wasnt attracted to and I couldnt even get their attention lol Seemed like everyone there was looking for husband material. At the bars I went on my own since Im new to the city and a nice looking girl came right over to my direction only to grab a chair so she could sit over at the bar where the frat boy bartender was WTF And my last attempt the famous grocery store myth that seems to only work on tv or movies. Ive found 90 percent of the time if its a girl Im interested in they just mind their own business and not pay attention to anyone around them usually because they have some damn boyfriend in the aisle around the corner. Any advice folks? What the hell am I doing wrong? lol

let me give you some advice, being introduced to a woman would be very helpful. that is what i am hoping for as well. i am a straight man that had been married twice at one time, and both of them cheated on me. plus my second wife is bipolar which made it worse. i was a very caring and loving husband at the time, but is was not good enough for them. i never cheated on them at all, because i was the very committed one in the relationship with both of them at the time. they just turned out to be no good trash. now i will be very careful myself meeting a woman again, since i do have bad luck with women. certainly not my fault that women are so rotten now, so do not blame yourself either. there seems to be so many women out there now that are very nasty, and have a very bad attitude problem that i have noticed too. it is like they are not looking to meet men today, like they once use to. many of them are now lesbians today, which makes it even much more difficult to meet a good straight woman now. best of luck.

i dont go to bars or clubs, because of this very reason. its the WORST place to meet girls of any quality. i went to a bar with someone once and just disliked it. its cool if you have someone to go with i suppose, but a guy like me, i just find them rather dull and too loud. the women ive seen at most bars are just totally slutty skanks and even if they seem alright, they never have in common with me. firstly im a christian and i do want to wait until marriage for sex. the weird thing is, most girls today have already had sex in some way shape or form and i feel like the gender roles have reversed in some way. a guy (or girl) looking for True Love has got a long wait ahead of them, and its sad. i wish there was an article on where to meet nice classy women that isnt a bar.

to add something else, i also am very old fashioned and i know it may seem corny, but i really do believe that true love can happen. ive seen examples and it know that God can truly direct people to there future spouse, but its hardly ever easy especially in todays messed up upside down world. i ussually have np problem “attempting” to strike up conversation with girls or women (im 24 btw). though i myself am far from perfect, as a Christian guy looking for a “nice” girl who i can possibly see as a wife one day, its very difficult. i love watching old movies, like from the 30’s, 40’s and 50’s, and i couldnt help but notice how sweet and pleasant the girls and women were of that time. not that there werent jerky girls who used men, but it seemed the majority of women were the ones who were brought up to look act and dress the way a proper lady should, to have manners and be polite. romance was looked as a very “sweet” thing and there existed such a thing as courting and getting to know a girl before anything happened further then that, and sex before marriage was a big no no with many parents. love seemed to make more sense back then because there were rules in place that were meant to protect the woman.

today, its like a free market where anything goes and women act look and dress like the biggest tramps today. and then the men follow suit. theres no respect anymore for women. girls have to make themselves really hard from a young age, and thats why you have these almost lesbian-type women who bark orders and treat there men (if they even have any) like crap. not saying men are any better, they can be just as bad, but its just a sad sad situation all around. anyone looking for anyone with any kind of decency has got a long wait, because its just not that easy anymore.

This is the worst advice I have ever read. Your say to pick up girls during the day, when they are probably sober, and deffinitely not looking to meet a new guy. Sure your idea works, assuming I am the best looking guy in the world, who is great at talking to people and has everything going for me. But we normal men go to bars because it is the surest bet to meet some one drunk and stupid, the only combination that works if we are not the best looking guy in the world who has everything going for him. The only advice that actually works for the “everyday” man is to get a girl as drunk as possible, cause she wont be paying us any attention otherwise. Dont say that the bar is a bad place to get girls, because frankly for most normal men the bar is the only place to get girls.

most of the women in bars, are certainly stuck up bitches. it is hard to start a conversation with them, even without the music being loud. they are just so very nasty to talk too. it must be that many women years ago, were so terribly abused by men at one time. many of the women today, are afraid of men as well. i guess that is why so many women are going for other women now. but many women that are lesbians, can be very abusive too. either way, it is a losing battle. as a straight man that had been married at one time, meeting women has become so much difficult for me again. i am not really into the bar scene, since i did this garbage many years ago. being that i am in my late fifties now, i will obviously go to the places that are in my own age group. but even there, many women are hard to meet because of the problems they have too. it is so very hard to connect with the right person now, unlike years ago when it was a lot easier then today. being single and alone again, certainly sucks for me. i will even go to the book store, because i do like to read a lot. but it is so hard to meet women there, because they are so much younger. since i live down the shore, i will go on the boardwalk a lot to walk. but the women are not that friendly to talk too. i wished that i had been born a lot sooner, because meeting women back then was a lot more easier. now i just go out, and hope for the best.

“But most guys are creeps, and women know this.” <<<< I find this extremely offensive and incorrect and a typical example of the current misandrist, man-hating sentiment in America. Most American women are defensive and stuck up because they were taught they were princesses and entitled from birth. I call this the "Entitled American Female Syndrome". I tell all my American friends to avoid American women and just date and marry foreign women, particularly Asians and Europeans because of stupid statements and sentiments liked those expressed in this article. The truth is, American women are creepy and view men as competitors and enemies rather than friends and collaborators. They have a huge chip on their shoulder. I challenge any American man to travel the world like I have and actually see how men and women treat each other in foreign countries. You will be pleasantly surprised as American men are desired overseas, and not for just money. In America, you just aren't desired. Marry a FOREIGN woman and be happier. My friends are.

Take it easy guys! Cause I girl doesn’t like you doesn’t mean she is a lesbian. In my experience there are not many out there and if they are it isn’t at a standard unisex bar. Maybe they are not interested… and hey.. thats ok. We need to have a better attitude.
I know it isn’t easy.. I’ve been a single guy now for some time. I mean years. I probably have been looking for girls in the wrong place for anything long term. ie bars or clubs. and I’m not the kind of guy to walk up to a stranger.. in guys defence girls saying I want a confident guy to walk up to me etc.. etc.. seriously.. you need to be more realistic. How many truly confident guys do you know? I bet is it not many. Your looking at a minority here… many fake it for the moment (if they can) and when the smoke subsides they are themselves which isn’t confident! And how many truly confident women are there? In reality there might be 5% of the population for both sexes. Cosmo will tell you that! I think what you really mean and not know it is someone who knows who they are and want they want in life. Be careful in how you judge and maybe be a bit more open to guys ladies.
As for my experiences… bars are an easy place for sex… if you want that. I’ve done ok there..but over that now. If you want sex.. just be friendly.. chat.. don’t suggest too much… flirt a little..be cheeky and have fun. probably out of all my one night stands.. I have not suggested anything and before I know it I end up back at their place (Always better go their place! more relaxed and comfortable).
However, this isn’t the direction for a relationship… and that’s where I’m not so good! I admit it! But me having a bad attitude about that isn’t going to help! We (guys) need to try and have a good attitude about it… and even give ourselves some stick about it. It’s not easy for women either.. brought up in this world and taught to judge themselves and others buy society values on how a women should be..and really these days a women is ‘supposed’ to have a career, kids, cook, clean, partner has to earn good money and more! I hope you girls out there are not being suckered into this unrealistic expectation.
Life is not about that. I get scared too many women believe this rubbish.. occasionally I’m surprised. Is this really how women are? I’m hopeful this isn’t the case.
I’m a pretty good guy… in reasonable shape.. relatively good looking. (maybe lacking some height..but older I get more women seem not so worried about this)… I don’t have a lot of money (Is this important to women?) I still have some hope of meeting that special girl. Little old fashioned like that.. but want to get a feeling. is that ok? Not into settling which it seems so many do. Not fair on me and more so her.
Reading above I have to admit… I’m a sucker for other nationalities. I’m an Aussie.. this might do me well everywhere else in the world but in Australia. I tend to be interested in other nationalities.. seem more open, easy going, approachable and sad to admit this… feminine. Meeting an Aussie girl who can skull a pint of beer isn’t a turn on. But as I said.. probably going wrong places.. lol.
A tip for women… guys looking for a relationship is we a looking for someone we think would be a good mother. Someone caring… sensitive…comforting.
My hope is slim but hey universe… send me a beautiful girl for me. She doesn’t have to be perfect!
Good luck to those all searching for love!
Be yourself… relax.. take your own journey… and see what happens. IN the least if it’s your journey you will have a good time.
love me!

i am a straight man looking to meet a good woman to be very committed too, to spend the rest of my life with. at the time that i was married to her, i was the one woman man before she cheated on me. i was very caring and loving and was very committed to her at the time, but it was not good enough for her. and speaking of bars, i did meet her in a bar which i never expected to. i just happened to go out to this bar where i lived at the time, and i really was shocked when this happened to me. we were married for 15 years, and i thought that i had found the love of my life and was hoping to have a family too. well that certainly never happened, and going out all over again and dealing with this garbage really stinks. most of the women out there today are so very nasty with an attitude problem, and it is very hard just to start a normal conversation with the one that i am really interested in. now that i am in my late fifties, it is very hard especially by the way that they have changed over the years. there are not that good women out there to meet anymore, like we had years ago. now that i go out to the clubs, many women are making out on the dance floor with one another. there are certainly much more gay women nowadays adding to the problem, and that will certainly make it much more difficult meeting a good one now.

Who is Alex Kay?

Hi, my name is Alex Kay. Welcome to Just Keep The Change – a blog focusing on making every man a better man. The focus of the blog is dating and relationships in a modern world context where man and technology is inseparable, our choice is greater than ever and the world is seemingly complex.

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About Just Keep The Change

Hi, my name is Alex Kay. Welcome to Just Keep The Change – a blog focusing on making every man a better man. The focus of the blog is dating and relationships in a modern world context where man and technology is inseparable, our choice is greater than ever and the world is seemingly complex.Continue reading