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POLICE BEAT

(2008-436686) 7:55 a.m.: Your humble columnist has had a hell of a week, and to be perfectly honest pounding out this mush is just about the last thing in the world he wants to do right now. But duty calls, and like Frederic in The Pirates of Penzance (that's the only musical I know, swear to God), I answer.

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Let's begin. A guy broke into a Honda, damaged the steering column and "attempted to punch the ignition," which I gather from the Google is something car thieves do. Anyway, doesn't look like this one worked out, so our thief settled for the car stereo instead.

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(2008-436846) 10:03 a.m.: Hey, look: same exact crime, same place, same result – at least in the sense that our crook hasn't totally mastered the whole "ignition-punching" thing. In this case, he didn't take the stereo either.

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(2008-437297) 3:41 p.m.: "On the listed date, the victim was asleep in her room and heard a loud noise from the living ; room," Officer Padilla reports. "An attempt was made to enter her apartment. The unknown suspect appears to have had a key."

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Unknown, eh?

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Oct. 10

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(2008-438351) 7:19 a.m.: Some guys stole in-dash stereo systems from two cars in an apartment complex on South Conway Road, which reminds this Conway Road resident that he should probably remove all of his electronic gadgetry from his car when he heads in for the night.

(2008-439085) 4:37 p.m.: If you feel the need to keep a handgun for protection, I'm down with that. I'm not all that concerned about gun control, to be honest. However, if you're going to keep a .38-caliber in your apartment, you might do well to keep it secured in a safe place so that your kids, or, say, a burglar won't find it. The bad guys have enough guns. The thief took gift certificates, too.

(2008-439805) 1:35 a.m.: Someone entered a house on 20th Street and took the homeowner's keys, then took his Chevy Malibu. ; (2008-439887) 2:39 a.m.: Our villain stole a box of Gatorade from a concession stand and fled.

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(2008-440425) 2:25 p.m.: Three dudes with guns tried to jack a guy's car. "The victim resisted and the males fled in an unknown direction," Officer Goodwin writes. An hour later, our victim informed the police.

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(2008-440495) 3:34 p.m.: Over to you, Officer Overfield: "On the above listed date and time, the suspect entered the [South Orange Blossom Trail] business … with a rock and demanded money. The suspect was arrested for the same." Really? The rock-as-weapon thing didn't work out? Can't imagine.

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(2008-440498) 3:36 p.m.: Cops found a 40-year-old man on West South Street who'd been shot in the left hand, left leg and right leg. "Victim was uncooperative and declined prosecution," Officer Malave tells us.

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(2008-441068) 10:52 p.m.: I'm going to break my armed-robbery rule because … well, let Officer Anderson tell the tale: "On the listed ; date and time two unknown black males approached the victim, pointing a gun. One of the black males struck the victim on the head, removed $1 and then fled the scene."

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Oct. 12

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(2008-441374) 2:32 a.m.: Drive-by! "The victim's vehicle was traveling on [West Colonial Drive] when the suspect's vehicle … pulled up on the driver side of the victim's vehicle and fired several gunshots at the vehicle." One person was hit. The six occupants of the victim's vehicle ranged in age from 15 to 21. Kids these days.