Jesus Returns Home

God: Hey kiddo! Welcome back up!Jesus: …
God: Man, you look great! Long time no see. You want some ice cream? I’ll get us some ice cream.
Jesus: So…crucifixion, huh?
God: Oh…what? Oh man! That’s, uh, terrible! I had no idea. Wow, that sucks!
Jesus: I think you had some idea…
God: Well, I uh-
Jesus: You know, being God and all. Omniscient. Lord of all creation. Feel like you may have heard.
God: Well, maybe a vague inkling, I suppose-
Jesus: It was kind of like a big deal. They made a book about it. The Book.
God: Yeah?
Jesus: Yeah. Best seller. Only seller. Figure it would have gotten back to you. With your son, you know. Only son, dying in awful pain. Thought you'd get a text or two.
God: Okay, so I may have-
Jesus: Did it specifically have to be by crucifixion? Do you know how much that sucks? How about death by hummus. Or you know what else? Death by, literally anything else.
God: Jesus, I said I was sorry.
Jesus: Or you know what else is good? Not death. We could have tried that. Not killing me.
God: Well, yeah, but for man's sins...
Jesus: Yeah, you know what else is a sin? Killing the son of God. So kinda cancels out the my forgiveness thing. Back to square one.
God: C'mon, Jesus. Be cool. Why didn’t you just use your super-powers?
Jesus: …what.
God: You didn’t use your super-powers? I mean, come on. You’re Jesus Christ.
Jesus: I go by J-Christ now, actually, you know, for the band...
God: Will you forget about your stupid band for just one second!?
Jesus: What, like you forgot to pick me up from earth? Three days dad. Three days. That’s a long time be locked in a graveyard cave.
God: Well...
Jesus: You know how I can make a few loaves of bread into more loaves? Doing that with cave-rats is really, really bad.
God: Okay. You know what? You’re right. Tell you what; You’ll return, it'll be better than ever. You’ll be sent down again…in the year 2000!
Jesus: Really?
God: Nah. Look, I’m sorry about that whole thing, I really am. But just remember Jesus: I work in mysterious ways.
(pause)
Jesus: You have no idea what you’re doing, do you?
God: I prefer to call it ‘improv’.