September 30, 2009

I'm moving to a new apartment this week, but I was too stupid to schedule an appointment with the cable installer ahead of time. So without internet access, I probably won't be blogging much for a while. The good news is I'm getting a pretty interesting roommate, so maybe he'll spark a bunch of funny stories or become a running character or something.

Also, the baseball playoffs are fast approaching, and I'm planning another LIVE BLOGGING EVENT for one of the ALCS games. I thought I'd give some advance notice in case anyone wants to follow along in real time. Once my internet situation is resolved, I'll post again to let you know which game I plan on sullying.

Finally, by way of apology for the boring entry above, please enjoy this with my warmest regards:

September 21, 2009

My friend Cunado's wildly misleading blog post got me thinking about Ferris Bueller's Day Off again. It's been on my mind quite a bit lately. I caught it on cable early this summer. Then John Hughes died. Then ESPN's Bill Simmons discussed the movie in a recent mailbag (near the bottom, if you're actually interested). After cataloging everything Ferris & Co. manage to squeeze into their day, Mr. Simmons concludes:

Seems improbable, right? No way all of that stuff happens in less than 10 hours unless they basically made a two-inning cameo at the Cubs game and left. (Conceivable, by the way. How can you top catching a foul ball? And if Sloane hated baseball and pushed for them to leave after 2-3 innings, wouldn't the logical next stop for them -- if a girl who hated sports was running the show -- be that art museum?)

Not conceivable. Let's not forget a tiny detail, one that escaped my attention until this summer: at the Cubs game, Sloane Peterson is keeping score. Don't underestimate this. You'll find ten leopard-spotted teenagers lip-syncing atop hijacked parade floats in downtown Chicago before you'll find someone who bothers keeping a scorecard leaving the game after three innings.

But you know, maybe verisimilitude isn't what exactly Hughes was aiming for. Hard as it is to believe the guy who directed Weird Science would ever ask his audience to suspend disbelief, I guess we'll just have to try.

September 14, 2009

Unless you're Jewish, there's a pretty long stretch of non-holiday time between Labor Day and Halloween (and let's face it: you're probably not Jewish). I assume our forefathers--gentiles all--had this boring stretch of calendar in mind when they invented Columbus Day out of thin air.

But we need something good.

I envision a day where you go home to spend some quality time with your parents. First you listen to your dad complain about local newscasters, stoplights, and companies who outsource customer service hotlines to India. Then he reminds you to shut the refrigerator door all the way. Later your mom chimes in about what a good speller you were in third grade and wonders aloud if she'll ever get to meet a single god damned grandkid. The festivities culminate in a relaxing dinner at a Mexican restaurant, where the whole family takes turns questioning Virginia Tech's offensive play calling.

We'll call it Belabor Day. The first Monday in October after the last Sunday in September sounds about right.

September 12, 2009

Today marks one year since David Foster Wallace passed away. I wanted to write something nice about him but it's just not going to happen today.

Instead, here's something about Bull Durham, the greatest baseball movie of all time:

(1) Danny Gans, the legendary, recently deceased Las Vegas entertainer, plays the Bulls' 3rd baseman. It was the only big screen movie he was ever in.

(2) You get to see one of Susan Sarandon's boobs near the end. It's a really quick shot, as she's cleaning the kitchen after a long night of lovemaking and pauses to light a cigarette butt she finds on the floor.

Now I've probably watched Bull Durham 30 times over the last 21 years, and I'd never once noticed this before. Every single time I've wished I could see her boobs, and now, after countless viewings, I finally get to see one of them. It's kind of like that thing about people opening the refrigerator over and over again and hoping something new has magically appeared since the last time they checked. Except this time, THERE'S ACTUALLY SOMETHING NEW IN THE FRIDGE! A great big bucket of fried chicken!