I have never played a Zelda game.

I expect some bite back on this Confession, but I have to be totally straight with you: I have never entered the kingdom of Hyrule.

I get asked a lot of questions regarding the Zelda Universe; which Zelda game do I prefer, what do I think of the Majora’s Mask remake, or whether I prefer the top-down perspective in A Link to the Past over the cel-shaded style of Wind Waker (legitimate questions I’ve received…). But the simple answer is that I don’t have a fucking clue what you’re on about and I don’t give a flying fuck enough to discover my real opinions on the matter any time soon.

The expression ‘flogging a dead horse’ comes immediately to mind following exposure to this picture…

You see, I was never spoilt as a child. Sure, I was lucky enough to OWN a video game console, but I was in no way given every single game on the market. I’ve played the usual classics ranging from Spyro to Crash Bandicoot, but as a 23-year-old woman in the 21st Century you would think it’s some sort of crime that I had never played a Zelda game before in my life. And trust me, I get a lot of hate on that matter whenever it’s brought to attention.

With 17 official games to catch up on and not a single collective identity of people agreeing on which is the best title on the market, how the hell am I supposed to get stuck into something so dauntingly huge?! And this is aside from the fact that I truly could not play a game made in 1986 right now. Unfortunately, I think the way we play games in modern times has clearly sophisticated along with technology, thus meaning that trying to play such an old title would probably send me into some sort of aneurysm.

The 21st Century me could never go back and play the 20th Century games. Only Pokemon holds that honour.

Don’t get me wrong either, there was perhaps some stage in my life in which I would loved to have played a Zelda game. And it’s certainly true that the gameplay elements and overall build of the franchise has appealed to me quite strongly. But when you’ve not dipped your toe into Nintendo’s Lake Hylia before (this joke is brought to you by Google), it becomes very daunting knowing you have nearly 30 years worth of games and history to catch up on. In addition to this, you can’t seem to play ANY game anymore without having to prove your allegiance to an arrogant prick out to prove they know more than you.

“Congratulations, you rescued Zelda before I did. I could dislocate my shoulder when I was 5, COULD YOU FUCKING DO THAT?!” – When taken out of context, the pompous nature of some gamers is literally absurd.

What’s more, the kind of elitism associated with the gaming culture in recent years has stemmed from the idea that one singular person’s opinions are far greater than that of somebody else’s. So when the biggest Nintendo fanboy in the world encounters little old me and decides to attack me based on their own perception of what constitutes as ‘the best game EVA’, how else am I going to feel about the franchise? Heads up to anyone itching to jump to the comments section – there’s a 0% chance you can bully me into playing this game. It ain’t fucking happening. I haven’t played any of the Final Fantasy games either and you don’t see their fans getting their Cloud Cosplay panties in a twist (once again, Google to the rescue).

What in the literal name of fuck is this? Seriously. Someone explain it to me.

I suppose, the real issue behind this Confession (if I really have to drag one up from the dirt) is that you shouldn’t be judged on your credentials as an individual who plays and enjoys video games based on what ‘classics’ you SIMPLY MUST HAVE played to become initiated into the terrible world of the gaming community. So what if I haven’t played Zelda? So what if I’ve never played Metal Gear Solid? Who cares what prestige I reached in COD:MW4?

What matters is that I play the games I like and that I’m very honest about my experiences with gaming in general. Should this blog continue along a hypothetical path to popularity, I won’t bullshit about knowing the all the glitches and hidden unlockables in a bloody Legends of Zelda game. There are far more important things in the world to lie about, like my age or the amount of Red Bulls I’ve digested within a 10 minute period of each other. You just do you, and worry about what convention crowd you’re going to irritate next.

The genuine feeling of anxiety I get when people tell me I have to play each and every incarnation of that guy is enough to make me vomit…

Finally, I must announce myself as the living embodiment of what all male gamers think about female journalists – that I have no fucking clue what I’m talking about. I must apologise to my gender. Or, alternatively, Zelda could apologise for being so remarkably uninteresting.