Monday, February 14, 2011

..there was a resounding call to not ONLY show portions of MY Match.com profile, but to also skew the hairier sex (males - except in Italy and the Dominican Republic) by showing some of their Match.com fails as well.

Since my own personal Match.com profile was - during it's short yet wildly expensive life - almost perfect, I decided I would use it as a shining example of what you men out there SHOULD be doing but, apparently, you're not.

THE BEGINNING OF THE EXPERIMENT

My first stop in searching male Match.com profiles was to pretend I was a hot foreign woman with giant cans and some weird fetishes.

Obviously.

Here's the female profile I made for myself:

Surprisingly, my penisreceptacle profile was rejected only one time and all I had to do was change the word 'labia' to '(censored).' A small concession, but it was for the greater good.

Also, for some reason, they wouldn't accept my photo on the first try.

Probably because it was of Steve Buscemi.

I have no idea who this broad is but she kind of fit the bill based on the profile and was the only good one that came up when I Googled, "Amazon woman."

What is actually kind of fucked up is that two seconds after this profile was approved, I got one 'wink' and then someone emailed me.

It's not unusual to find myself the target of wanton sexual advances but 9 times out of 10 the person trying to nail me doesn't have a penis.

This is where you're supposed to come up with something that catches the woman's attention and then draws her in, kind of like a roofie at closing time but with less physical dragging after it takes hold.

I've said too much.

DO:

DO write something that's funny and quick which, honestly, sounds like having sex with me.

See what I did there?

Right then they probably laughed and went, "Oh! He's so funny and interesting AND I MUST HAVE MY WAY WITH HIM!"

*takes out vibrator

Let's see what the other guys are doing.

DON'T:

Don't do this:

No, dude.

Oprah is kind of a big deal.

Maybe even, like, Toby Maguire after Spiderman and Spiderman 2 was a big deal (we will neglect Spiderman 3 here as an anomaly).

But then, they don't need Match.com, do they? See any correlation here?

Yeah. Me either.

ABOUT ME

So this is the part where you describe who you are and what you do and like and who you want and blah blah blah. Basically this is where you sell yourself which should be easy to do if you grew up in a brothel like I did.

DO:

Do it like this. This is basically Shakespeare squared and put on a dating site, people:

I love jazz hands.

Ties it all together.

What not to do?

DON'T:

Don't write your profile if you can't spell or complete a sentence or, you know, be able to communicate without people looking at you and going, '???'

"Helllo ladies."

I want to say 'hi' to you so badly that I added an extra consonant.

"I can make you happy AND smile at the same time."

FINALLY, LADIES! Your search is over!

A man who can make you smile when you're happy - ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

Because, you know, usually when people are happy they turn emo and then go on depressed shooting sprees so thanks for clearing that up and not making me disappointment.

IT'S ALL IN THE DETAILS

Match.com gives you a ton of places to write little things about yourself so take this time to hone in on your dream girl, guys, and really lay it out there.

DO:

This is where people read and go 'blah blah blah' because you're so boring and then they go back to see if all this boredom is worth it and they see that you're in a cowboy hat with beads and a do-rag on and go, you know, 'fuck this shit I'm outta here.'

DO keep 'em entertained and intrigued:

The big thing here is to BE HONEST and not lie on anything because if you say crap like, "I'm okay with it if you are" just so you can get some lovin' then you are a big fat liar because two months into the relationship this new hot girl is GOING TO WANT TO HEAD TO CHURCH TO PRAISE THE LORD AT 9 AM ON A FRIGGIN SUNDAY when all you want to do is watch SportsCenter and, really, was the oral sex worth this? - PROBABLY NOT - and it will be ALL. YOUR. FAULT.

DON'T:

Don't pretend like you just stumbled into a hip-hop chatroom and you're PDiddy fighting off hordes of bitches:

I have to give this guy props for the sly, "in my bed" comment because he's pretty much putting out there that if you date me, we're bashing. End of story.

Although there is a reason that this guy is on Match.com and I'm guessing it's either that the girls he usually picks up are sticklers for good grammar, or the gang needs a new pass-around whore for their upcoming initiation.

THE BIGGEST DON'T OF ALL

Guys.

I'm begging you.

Pleading with you.

Whatever you do. No matter how desperate you are or what kind of bet you lose..

Don't ever. ever. ever.

Be this guy:

*cricket

I don't know what planet this guy comes from where it's okay to post on your DATING PROFILE that you're the MOMMY(not 'daddy'..no..that would make too much sense) of a kitten.

Add to the fact that he grew up on a farm and is obviously wearing a hat indoors and I'm pretty sure we are looking at the next installment of the "Silence of the Lambs" franchise.

All that's missing are sunglasses and a bead necklace.

Good luck, ladies. We're all pulling for you.

Some of us, obviously, more literally than others.

**************************UPDATE:

My 'penisreceptacle' profile has been online now for less than 24 hours as you see it above and get this shit:

Seriously, guys?

The profile says "I will burn you with my lighter.." for Chrissakes.

I WILL BURN YOU WITH MY LIGHTER.

I fear for my own sex.

*********************MY PROFILE:

Because some people actually asked for it, here is my full Match.com profile in it's entirety back when it was active.

Have at it, people. I'm sure I'll get some critiques.

But if you're going to fall in love with me, I expect at least dinner first.

I'm in love... Or at least I would be if I was smaller (see how I didn't make it about you being taller? you're welcome :) and living in the same continent, and maybe also older... Seriously though, how is it this writing career still didn't happen??

"My le bad" You had my frenchy heart there :p (not really sure that actually means something in english, but sounds good to me)

-->My best friend is a professional dater and we had many, many, many laughs over some of the profiles she'd see on match.com. (By the way, she's 5'3", 120 lbs, reddish hair, Catholic, has advanced degrees, works in IT for the FBI and she reminds me of Liz Lemon from 30 Rock....Single!)

I was going to add about the guy with the cowboy hat and bead necklace that maybe a picture that didn't have hs girl friend cut out of it but then I think your profile may have someone special cut out of it so nevermind.

Also why is it that most peoples self portraits are of them in their bathrooms? That's just messed up.

jazz hands are for 9-year-olds in leotards or gay men. i'd stop going there if i were you. but you do have a vicious sense of humor and i've heard that the ladies quite like that in a guy. this post gets an 8.5 out of 10 for me!

The Amazon woman scares me but was I not with my husband and was looking for a man to go with me and my 3 kids I would love your profile. That is, until I broke out my addition skills and realized we would have 5 kids and no time for romance anyway. At 5'1" tall I am short enough though.

Or you can do what my husband - who I met on match.com did - and that is send a second mail if you don't hear back from the first one that says in ernest and heartfelt way that he is trying again to get your attention because he's worried that the first time he "did it wrong."

A friend of mine, who reminds me alot of you, (well, except that he's tall and black) just signed up for eharmony.com. He called me and was upset because all of the profiles talk about God and church. He didn't realize eharmony started off as a christian dating site! I was dying laughing.

I have to disagree with those who think Jazz Hands are uncool because a man who is comfortable doing 'jazz hands' is a man who is comfortable with doing stupid shit just to make you laugh and, eventually, have sex with him.

I cannot see how this could fail.

I apologize for not commenting to each of you directly but by the time I got here there were, like, 31 comments and - well - I'm kind of working.

I have been going about online dating profiles totally wrong! I'm stealing "penisreceptacle"'s and I think I'd have better luck! I cannot believe that men are responding to that-strike that-I can...and that scares me more than anything.

Love your profile and I agree with everything you said. Your profile is perfectly designed to draw women in and make them feign for your dick (blunt but true). Good luck with that.

OMG I totally want to date you! You are Le Eye Candy!...that's French for The Eye Candy.And I'm 5'3 so we'd make the cutest pocket couple EVA!....oh. Wait. I'm married.Ok. Well give me another year, I'm sure I'll be looking for husband no.3.As per usual Mr. Le Mooog, you are brilliant and funny....Did I mention I want to date you?...

What about long walks on the beach? Without including that you love to take long loooooooong lOOOOOOoooooOOong walks (maybe even week long walks) on the beach, you are automatically excluding a large portion of women. Probably the ones who collect Winnie the Pooh paraphernalia, too.

uhm. I dated all of those duckface mcdouche guys, and then married the cat mom. so .... uhm... I should have waited until the internet was invented so I could meet a cool funny guy ? Also who said you could use my picture in the Penis Receptacle ad?

Alright, you demanded that I come, and so here I am. But guess what? There is not much for me to add to the genius of this post. It is brilliant. I am a big fan of jazz hands for the exact reason you stated . . . a man who is willing to be silly and give me some jazz hands? That's a man who is going to be silly and goofy and fun in bed.

This was so funny & so educational! Ha! I never knew of the inner workings of this match.com world. Glad your profile is no longer active. Sounds like a scary place full of horrific grammar and bad hats!

Metal detectors! Of course! What if you suggested a metal detecting date? Then your date thought it was innuendo but it was just looking for chunks of tin in the dirt with a beeping saucer on a stick. Then you found some tin and had a fight over who got to keep it?

Online Dating is the metal detector of love and you are the operator. Find your tin, Moog! Find... your... tin and.... keeep it.

So, you are going to have to join my dating site I am putting up. All for divorced only people. I am being serious. It is going to be great and then one day Match will buy it for billions. And, you can say...you knew me when I was the Hot Flash Queen.

Every time I think you can't get cuter, there you go again! I would so totally move to Salem, NH if ;I hadn't just bought a house hereI wasn't ancinetI didn't have 4 catsand, oh, yeah. I'm sort of taken too, and he lives with me. That might get awkward.

I would think it was coincidence if you picked 1 of the guys I have dated but all of them?? I am calling shenanigans. And for the record, kitty mama was very sensitive and made a terrific latte the next morning. It didn't work out though, the kitty got jealous.

The only thing more disturbing than your penisreceptacle profile is the fact that I am almost equally titillated by both penisreceptacle and your real profile. But not by the same personality or at the same time *leer*

I just came back and reread this post after reading your NH interview with LG, and I liked it more the second time. I think your profile is awesome and I'm sure you must have gotten lots of responses.

My son (also recently divorced) is dating a girl he met on Match.com and she's terrific. (I just met her for the first time a few days ago.) So there are some good possiblilities out there. I hope you have found one...Is that how you met Kerrideth?

I just came across this post...Love it. I haven't come up with the guts to actually use the profile photos of others on my site http://www.thesinglechick.com (for fear of getting sliced and diced by some old creeper)... but well done.