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Maxwell Ernest Stravo Blofeld, known to James Bond as Ernsht Shtavro Blofeld (not to be confused with blowjob), was born on an Antarctic research boat in 1904. Unusual for his day and age was that his parents were both Eskimo men, as all the women aboard had succumbed to vicious laser shark attacks (an event which was paid homage to in Austin Powers. Naturally they got the facts mixed up).

Aww, he's got his daddy's chin.

Since his father possessed no vagina, Maxwell was forced to claw his way out through his father's large intestines. (It is unknown at this time how his father became pregnant in the first place. Blame the aliens.) He might have died right there on that harsh frozen sea, had he not been picked up by Darth Hitler, who proceeded to raise the boy.

Blofeld was a staunch supporter of his adoptive father during the Second World War. He devoted all of his considerable intellect to the Imperial-Nazi cause. He conducted hundreds of horrific genetic and robotic experiments, creating some of the most evil beasts in the universe, including ewoks, C-3PO, and Jar Jar Binks. After the destruction of the Death Star by an elite British squadron of agents, and his father's subsequent breakdown, Blofeld adopted his father's apathetic attitude and abandoned the war effort, disappearing into anonymity for several years...

Blofeld spent the next fifteen years ammassing an enormous fortune to fund his insatiable hunger for expensive pastries.It was on a routine trip to one of his contraband spy equipment suppliers, Q, that he first heard of James Bond. Intrigued, he decided to observe Bond from afar. His extreme masculinity yet suave, debonair manner coupled with a Scottish accent awoke Blofeld's latent homosexual urges, and he would spend the greater part of two decades trying to make Bond feel the same way.

Feeling he could never measure up in terms of physically to Bond due to his eggish head and figure, slight stutter, spindly arms, and lack of a penis(see below) Blofeld tried for several years to manipulate Bond into coming to him. After Bond repeatedly eluding him Blofeld gathered the courage to meet him face to face. However, when they finally did Blofeld lacked the courage to tell Bond the truth, adopting an over-the-top, egocentric, maniacal personality to try and make up for his inadequacies. Unfortunately the normally-perceptive Bond failed to see through this ruse, and took Blofeld to truly be a one-dimensional evil genius.

Blofeld confronts Bond at his disastrous Christmas party.

Mistaking Bond's reaction for affection, Blofeld kept the personality and used it for years, never once revealing his true emotions. He proceeded to have a series of escapades with Bond, each time almost gathering the courage to tell Bond and then getting cold feet. When Bond was not in his immediate presence, however, he was not inhibited by this maniac personality and often made truly sinister devices, even lying down the basis for what would one day become the monster known as Microsoft. He also often tried, unsuccessfully, to find a substitute for Bond, most notably in an affair with fellow supervillain Goldfinger.

Eventually Blofeld and Bond were locked into a final showdown: seconds before Blofeld was going to finally reveal himself, his creation from World War 2 and faithful butler, Nazi C3-PO, burst into the room declaring his love for his master. When Blofeld refused to acknowledge his love C-3PO's circuits overloaded and he self-destructed, killing both Blofeld and Bond with him.

This article requires serious work. All of the objectionable obscenities, adolescent remarks, and inaccuracies have been removed. In short, all of it.

In the year 2004, Blofeld was cloned twice from a fragment of his penis, which had been cryogenically frozen after he had it surgically removed to keep from distracting him from his work. The clones aged at a super-fast rate, and had no recollection of their origins. Lacking the twisted upbringing of Darth Hitler the clones were free to start a new life, and yet Blofeld's evil still presented itself in their genes. Who are the clones, you ask? You know them as Dr. Phil and Lex Luthor.