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Wednesday, 4 November 2009

Flushing hell

I was at Eyebrook Res this afternoon, on the Leics side, looking over the ‘unlawfully trimmed’ section of the hedge*, when all the Golden Plovers, Lapwings and Dunlin suddenly got up. My first thought was naturally ‘Eleonora’s Falcon!’, and I scanned the sky excitedly, but no, it was just a pair of posh middle-aged twats strolling along with their brightly coloured jackets and stupid 'walking poles', inside the reservoir grounds.

As they approached I politely (honestly!) asked them if it was really necessary to walk on that side of the hedge when there was a perfectly good road to walk on that didn’t involve trespassing on a nature reserve or scaring all the birds away. And their excuse? ‘It’s better for our legs to walk on this side rather than on the road.’

After a further exchange of words, which I’m afraid was rather less polite on my part, I left and went to Rutland Water instead.

At Rutland Water I saw a Black-necked Grebe, 5 Common Scoters, 5 Whooper Swans and 7 Red-crested Pochards, all in the North Arm. Couldn’t find the Red-throated Diver(s) though, despite much searching.

* - ref the ongoing battle of wills between English Naturists, or whatever they’ve decided to call themselves this week, and local birders, who, whilst fully understanding the need to conserve hedgerows, would not unreasonably like to be able to see at least some of the fucking birds at Eyebrook!

12 comments:

English naturists?..Unnatural England?..whatever they are calling themselves...they are rubber stamping EU directive twats..[in this particular case of ebr hedges]...i'm sure they do a good job elsewhere!So those responsible for keeping hedgrows in a decent state..[i believe Corus]?...apply for this 'stewardship' scheme grant which effectively means that they don't have to fork out for cutting hedges now...[nice for them].. Natural England must have thought..'goody..tall hedges for all them birds that breed in thinned out tops of hedges'...which is basically fuck all...and maybe a few extra berries. End result?..as if no-one knows...is that every twat under the sun walks they're fucking dogs round the reservoir, obscured by stupidly high hedges, and disturbs this SSSI site. EXTREMELY counter-productive to conservation... So what do Natural England propose?...'screens'?..hides.?...a few 'don't trespass' signs which folk ignore..? Fuckin great...why not just cut the bastard hedges so that it looks as tho folk actually care about the place?..[they apparently can't coz it's EU pissin law...as if those in the rest of EU give a toss]. 'They'..English Nature..seem to have been so keen to grant this 'stewardship' grant that they didn't take the time to consider the very serious 'side-effects' of their actions on this SSSI site...and now they appear to be hiding behind 'directives' after cocking up so seriously.

ps...thank you Andy for this opportunity to have a rant..!

pps...saw the eleanora's at ebr other day...[juv female peregrine]..

ppps....have also seen dogs chasing cattle at north end with stupid owners...a twat of a woman feeding the ducks at waters edge at north end...[i wouldn't be surprised if they put a fuckin fairground at north end...probably allowed under EU law]...wankers..

Not sure if this is any help or even if I should post something sensible after Beast's rant but at risk of being judged a middle aged twat,(from the north so i can't be proper posh)the solution may be to persuade EN to create viewing sections or cut outs. This worked at East Chevington NWT in Northumberland after the hedgerows developed to the point of barring the views. Alternatively I've got a hedge trimmer I can hire you.

Alan...i believe EN are proposing 'cut-outs/screens' of sorts at ebr...unfortunately tho...i don't think that this 'action' will prevent the previously mentioned tossers dragging their hairy cattle-chasing shit-machines around the place. Hopefully i am wrong! The problem is that the reservoir hedges just look scruffy and uncared for...which they are. The public did not trespass in the way they do now as views of the reservoir were fine and could be enjoyed by all from all parts of the road. The ridiculous thing is that these hedgerows will become totally useless..thinning out at top and bottom..and will, in all probability, have to be re-laid..! All a bit of a nonsense when all EN had to do was consider the impact of their decision...

Alan - LROS are in talks with EN/NE (what are they called these days?!) and Corus to try and resolve the viewing problem, but as beast says this won't stop the idiots trespassing, because they think no-one's going to see them behind the high hedges.

I don't know what the solution is (other than the bleeding obvious one of cutting the hedges again, which has worked perfectly well for the previous 60-odd years of Eyebrook's history) but hopefully sense will prevail eventually.

Ahh...if only Andy!...'sense'...and the even rarer 'common sense'. Lost 'senses' i fear..forever to be strangled with never-ending infernal red tape...wielded by jobsworth/soul-less/bureaucratic box-ticking twats]....i kinda hope i'm wrong about that!

I would gladly take back all of these extreme thoughts back...if only 'sense' would prevail..[coz as you know...i am, at heart, a mild-mannered bloke]!

ps...in the mean time Alan...i will decline your offer of a hedge trimmer...but would settle instead for a sub-machine gun if you've got one handy....

pps....tonight i have been mainly drinking real ale...but not that much...honest!

Wankers... all of them! Why is is then when you try and talk politely to even the most respectable looking of 'middle-class' twat tresspassing, throwing sticks for their dogs onto tern rafts at Tern Pool you get a gobful of abuse. It seems our default position should be fucking abusive!

Regards the abusive 'default position'...it gets you that way don't it John?! I have confronted several walkers/wankers around ebr...and when i say 'confront' i mean confront politely! Now a few folk are obviously 'unaware' who apologise and move on..no probs...'they' hadn't seen any 'trespass' notices so fair enuff. Most responses to my 'confronting' is a mixture of 'laughing' and outright...'fuck off mate'..which...errr..invokes my 'darker' side...[but even then..i don't call 'em cunts...which is of course what they are]...I believe that 'new' signs are going to be put up at ebr soon...'signs' pointing out that serious 'fines' will be imposed if caught....great!! Caught by who exactly?! Newly appointed ebr police who patrol the banks everyday on eco-friendly bikes made of hawthorn? Itz all bollox...no surprises then...and still no 'sign' of common sense..[common sense is going the way of the porn fairy].. Now such penalty notices may deter a few from fuckin about with their shit machines within the confines of reservoir...but most will ignore or plead ignorance i reckon.Now i know individuals at the EN who have been consulted...but the feedback i get from those conversations is that..basically..they don't wanna know and are just making token gestures. EU pressures?...'our' hands are tied...? etc. I will not 'name names' as i find that sort of thing counter-productive...and personally i can do without the associated internet 'nastiness' that often ensues. It seems to be a case of 'don't blame me guv...i'm just the messenger'...etc...which is a very convenient way of saying...'nowt i can do...and really...i don't give a fuck'. Beware tho EN..[or whatever you are called]...this 'ebr-thing' has..obviously..evoked strong emotions from those passionate about the place. This SSSI site will continue to be a fiasco until the western hedges are back to what they used to be...[and you will get a bad 'rep' for riding rough-shod over conservation minded folk with what is akin to a 'four-wheel drive red-tape wagon']..all in the 'name' of conservation...?? Puppets on strings come to my mind now....

ps...have i been ranting again?...

pps...on a lighter unrelated note..a van has just driven past my flat with the tune from 'steptoe and son' blaring out....i kid thee not!...i ain't seen a 'rag n bone' bloke for about one hundred years....a 'sign' of the times perhaps...?

well if Natural England really don't give a fuck, then surely they won't mind if the anonymous person or persons who have been performing the public service of trimming sections of the hedge continue their good work! And, like the dog walkers/trespassers, there is very little chance of them being caught...

Re rag and bone men - there was a van down our road a few weeks ago. I couldn't work out what he was shouting through his loudspeaker, but it sounded very much like Terry Pratchett's Discworld newspaper vendor: "Hoinary lup! Squidaped oyt!"

Come to think of it, perhaps he was just some random lunatic rather than a real rag and bone man.

Enough of all this unproductive ranting and fucking whining. What is need here is a practical and effective solution that will benefit us all in the two main elements - namely provision of adequate viewing over the hedgerow and eliminating the trespassing fuckwits.In a moment of lucid clarity the blindingly obvious solution came to me in the form of a four point plan:1) Ignore the beauracratic box-ticking wankers entirely and get on with unilateral hedge-management2) Club together and buy really long hedge-clippers3) Wait until the walking wankers come past on the wrong side of the hedge before firing up said clippers and lop their fucking legs off at the same time as the top of the hedge4) Laugh at said immobilised wankers and promptly set about watching birds over the newly managed hedgeSurely it can't fail?

I like your 'lucid clarity' and proposed plan of action over this problem Mark!...it is very much along the lines of my plan...I would employ your 'methods'...along with employing the services of Freddie Kruger to carry out such vital conservation work. He is, i am told, eager to get back to his old ways after finishing his 'lopping' activities on 'Elm Street'...and believe he'd be quite happy to sort out 'Ridiculously-high Hawthorn Avenue'...which is the fuckin 'nightmare' on the west bank of ebr. Plus of course..at no extra cost...Freddie will sort out the trespassing problem...but this could get a bit messy...

ps....i had considered contacting Edward Scissor-hands over this matter but i don't know if he would be up to the job....he's a bit too 'nice'...and the hedges would probably end up with bizarre topiary forms....[perhaps he could carve a long line of 'V' shaped fingers tho...be a nice touch]....

Similar management (or lack thereof) on EN reserves has been discussed in similar fashion in Kent too. At Grove Ferry the local birders there said that they would carry out work themselves unless constructive dialogue ensued and lo and behold some work was done by the "conservation" body.

With regards the hedge, I know what I would do. That said, on my patch in West Kent Yellowhammer still breed in good numbers in maintained tall (c8feet) hedgerows. As ever a balance between the two surely is achieveable, but then again...(enter that smiley thingy who bounces along looking all glum here)

Hey Marcus....glad to hear about the constructive dialogue with EN down in Kent! Such dialogue has been tried in Leicestershire over this issue and we've just been 'stone-walled'...[actually...EN might as well have put up a ten-foot stone wall round eye brook reservoir...the 'effect' is the same]...There is, on opposite side of road to ebr, a fine tall hedge for breeding stuff such as yellowhammers.Did a quick count of number of nests in the 'offending' hedge the other day...now that leaves have dropped...i counted exactly...none..! Tis rubbish...!I think that the situation regards the EN folk is that, like in other organizations, there are far too many 'pen-pushers' who do not have a grasp on the implications of their actions at a local level. 'On paper' these actions that they take look fine...however...in reality....'opps'. But that seems to be the way things go these days...heaven forbid that organizations actually employ people who know what they are doing....that probably costs too much....