Mila Kunis is pregnant for Ashton Kutcher

My friend Lorella and I were at an event once, talking to someone we’d just met about Jude Law getting people pregnant. The woman, who had sort of like a gangster accent, kept saying, “She got pregnant for Jude Law. Pregnant for Jude Law”. And Lo and I kept cracking up over the expression, “pregnant for” someone. So I’m ripping it off.

E! was the first to report the other day that Mila Kunis is pregnant for Ashton Kutcher. Now PEOPLE has followed with confirmation. You know how motherhood whitewashes women? Does fatherhood whitewash dads? When he posts the first shot of him cradling his child, probably in black and white, on social media, will you forget about how much of a douchebag he is?

He was only a douche because he wanted to be complete, to be a father!

Can’t wait to know what they name their kid. Now here’s a guy I could totally imagine being proud of calling his son “Stag”. Or “Jag”. Or TAG. Tag Kutcher.

Anyway, Mila and Ashton were courtside at the Clippers game the other day. It was a tactile outing. At one point she had her hands all over his face. And they were on the kiss cam. Yeah, that’s private.

F-ck you, Lainey, can’t they just go to the game?

Sure. You know where else they can watch the game? They don’t have to be in the front row. You can enjoy the game from the 15th row too. And you’re harder to shoot in the 15th row too. People sit courtside because they have access to courtside. They’re showing you that that’s how special they are. But they’re not special when people want to take pictures of them walking their dog. OK.