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This is original post. Don't reply to this post anymore. It's not current state.

There was good and bad times, but in the end I could not get my mind to control in time and my wife wanted divorce. I can't blame her as my behavior was awful many times.

I have been with my wife 12 years since we were both 20 yo. During last year I've had very serious problems with my head and thoughts of her with other men. We have very different sexual past. She had long relationship (6 years) in her teens (15-20 yo). 7-8 months later we met. In that period between she had 7 partners. Some she dated.

I was very popular and good looking boy, but my sex life started badly. Few failed sex intercourse attempts during teens and depression that kept me from trying to date girls during ages 15-20. I had sex 2 times with same girl six months before I met my wife. It was very clumsy because of inexperience. So basicly my wife is only women I've been with.

Under year ago I woked up in the middle of night and there was thoughts of her ex partners which she had told me when we met. I remember she had diary but didn't think she still had it 12 years and 5 different apartments later. I found the diary in bookshelf and read it. It destroyed my mind along with words that she for some strange reason told me 12 years ago.

Words like these:
Partner 1: over 30 yo, dated for about 3 months. Guy left his own partner to be with beautiful 20 yo. Then returned to his old partner few months later.
"He had huge penis, I measured once and it was almost 9,5". He could not use it properly, only tried to bottom out. It hurted and I bled blood every time." Later she said that she never measured and it surely wasn't that big, but bigger than mine.

Partner 2: One night stand that became fuck buddy
"I was little sore after that. It was good fuck"
"He had little bigger than yours"

Partner 3: found in bar, one month dating.
"I said if you want to take advantage of me, you should take me home. And he did. It was violent sex, but that's what I like. I got orgasm too and I usually never have. We might have had butt sex too."

Partner 4: 28 yo
"Just took him along from the bar and fucked. And another time in the morning."

Partner 5:
"I never believed I could go so low. I don't even know his name."

Especially that 30 yo with huge penis fucking her when she was 20, skinny and beautiful. That's fucking my mind. I think it has much to do with that I don't have practically any other partner than her.

I don't know why I stayed even she told me stories of huge penis and other shit. If I could go back I would surely leave. Now we have 2 yo kid, own house. Everything is fine, health, jobs and all, but this shit in my mind. I don't want to leave my family. It's fucked up I know these things. I'm in therapy and on ssri medication. Sex is very good and she orgasms almost every time. I started PE and cutting body fat with this anxiety (not very good mindset). Went from 6" to 7" BPEL so far and I'm quite happy with my cock now, but still feel it's too short because of her words about huge dick. I'm 32 yo handsome guy with athletic body and 7" BPEL dick. I'm sure I would get laid with 25 yo women if I went for it. And I feel urge to do it as I think it would cure my mind. I want those experiences. But then again I don't want to break up family.

I don't know if you can answer anything to this, but it felt good just to write this shit out.

Leaving the past right where it is, both yours and anyone else, is very important, and I think you are well aware of that. If you color whats is happening right then and now, with colors of the past, you risk contaminating what is happening in the present.

One might look in the cars rear view mirror, to see what just passed. You look back there too often, and you might very well drive over the edge of a cliff.

Leaving the past right where it is, both yours and anyone else, is very important, and I think you are well aware of that. If you color whats is happening right then and now, with colors of the past, you risk contaminating what is happening in the present.

One might look in the cars rear view mirror, to see what just passed. You look back there too often, and you might very well drive over the edge of a cliff.

And anyway, she clearly states that the sex was not good with that guy. Of course she lied to you. She cares about you and wanted to protect your ego.

That was very stupid thing to do.

She wanted to protect my ego and told that guy had huge cock? I don't think she lied but that's not helping my mind at all that sex sucked. It's the vision of huge cock fucking her when she was young that's troubling my mind. It's actually worse that she didn't enjoy it.

Is it worse that she didn't enjoy it? Trust me, it's worse if they did enjoy it.

I have no problem with pleasing my woman. She orgasms almost every time and I'm confident that our sex is the very best she has had.
In my mind it's all about abuse with too big cock. Not even trying to please woman. Disgusting image.

I'm pretty sure much of this mental problem is cause of my own sexual past. If I had sexual past with as many partners and some longer relationships. This information would not be so troubling I guess. It may be that I regret my own history and I'm envious to those men and envious to my wife that they have those experiences and I do not. Experiences of sex with different people. I'm jealous to those men they had her when she was skinny and very beautiful. After we hook up soon she began to gain weight and never in 12 years has been near the condition she was at 20.

One of these many thoughts is;
I was very popular among girls in youth and also later. I'm good looking guy, worked out in gym since youth. I feel like I've wasted my "gift" of good looks beeing with one woman.

When I think this with reason I think these are stupid thoughts. These things just don't matter at all and they do not affect our life 12 years later. I'm ruining my life for stupid reason when all is really fine. There is signs of ocd, as these distressing visions and thoughts are very hard to get rid of when they attack. Time has helped, it's not nearly as bad as some time ago.

So let me get this straight, this happened 12 years ago and it is bothering you now, even though you are having a great sexual relationship now? Sounds to me like something else is triggering the insecurity.

If you have been happy for 12 years and you know you please her and viceversa, get out of your head before you do mess up the good thing you have going. Dangler is right on the money, let it go.

You should not have read her diary and I think you get that. I do however find issue with the fact that she said it hurt and you are more concerned with how large it was and competing with the ex instead of competing for the woman! Is it really more important for you to be larger than him, or to have a great woman that loves having sex with you! I don't think you want to spend the rest of your life with him, but perhaps I am wrong.

So let me get this straight, this happened 12 years ago and it is bothering you now, even though you are having a great sexual relationship now? Sounds to me like something else is triggering the insecurity.

If you have been happy for 12 years and you know you please her and viceversa, get out of your head before you do mess up the good thing you have going. Dangler is right on the money, let it go.

Get this out of my head. That's what I'm trying with all the power and means that I have. But there is something wrong in my head as I haven't been able to do it. That's why I seek help from Cognitive psychotherapy and even ssri medication what I would not want to use. To be honest if we don't have our 2 year old son I would have left.