I finally found a site that dumbed it down for me. Basically, it’s holding one set of beliefs but finding yourself in a situation that is at odds with your beliefs.

Example: Woman values financial security.

Woman is in a relationship with someone who is financially irresponsible. This creates a state of cognitive dissonance.

That’s when it hit me like a race car careen off the track into a brick wall.

MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE IS COGNITIVE DISSONANCE.

My mood disorder.

Today for example.

I don’t really feel like going out into the petri dish. I just feel off. My nerves are shaky, my mood is gray, and there’s really nothing he needs me to do at the shop other than keep him company, and I am honestly getting bored with that. I know when I in this mind frame, it usually benefits me to take a step back and give myself some space. Or I am likely to tell him exactly how I feel about him expecting me to be there five days a week for no money when he has nothing for me to really work on.

But I also am compelled by the expectations of others to do what they expect or need me to do. He paid for and put a new radiator in my car. I owe him. Therefore I am beholden to do as he expects while feeling like I am betraying myself.

Cognitive dissonance.

Oh, I am sure someone will find some psychological mumbo jumbo to dispute my likening here, but for all intents and purposes in my mind, I AM WALKING, TALKING COGNITIVE DISSONANCE.

And it certainly explains my mass confusion and sensation that I am constantly being choked. It’s hard to breathe when you’re not only at war with your own brain chemicals, but with your own beliefs and emotions as well.

It is suggested that to solve cognitive dissonance you must either eliminate the problem entirely or learn to alter your own beliefs so that their is no dissonance.

I’m not a black or white kind of person.

I am definitely all about the shades of gray.

So being told I can’t have a happy medium solution just makes me more frustrated.

Here’s a thought: What if R were to suck it up and only have me come into the shop when he actually has work to do?

He’s the one who has the fucking problem here.It’s not my fault he doesn’t want to be alone or answer his own phone. I have talked and talked to him about it, all to no avail.

So because he won’t change, I must.

That seems fair.

NOT.

I am one of the most assertive stubborn people on the planet, but because of all my past flakiness and failures I find myself wavering and leaning more toward doing what is expected of me these days. I want to say NO.

But I feel indebted and no comes out as “oh, I will be there if I must.”

Then I spend the day unhappy and feeling like I stabbed myself in the back because I’m not being true to who I am, I am just keeping the peace.

fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I hate when people help me. Feeling indebted to someone is about the same as having a pillow mashed over my face. My free will is taken away because I owe them.I am not without gratitude, and I don’t mind working to pay him back, but unless there is actual work for me to do,it’s stupid for me to be away from my kid and feel so out of sorts with myself. But I OWE HIM.

Which is living hell for someone as independent as me. I may not be well off, but I usually manage to eek by. Being placed in a situation where more money is needed than I have and someone has to swoop down and rescue me…