No one ever said it was going to be easy...

November 26, 2008

Sibling Rivalry

I just ripped my husband a new one for deciding to take a shit while I was on a conference call. Generally, he can make a bowel movement whenever he damn well pleases, except at this time, it meant leaving the older kids alone and to their own devices. And lately, that means fights. Knock down drag 'em out better than two hos fighting over Flavor Flav, which isn't so great when you're trying to have a civilized conversation with a potential client. Excuse me a moment while I go sit on my children.

The tenuous sibling relationship is one of the many things that they don't tell you in those damn baby books. I realize that there's only so much you can fit into 300 pages before the book gets tossed up on a bookshelf to collect dust. And then there's just too many things that they really can't tell you because you have to experience it on your own or you'd probably never have kids.

Or at least have more of them.

Aside from buying two of everything, which really doesn't do anything but jam pack your house full of more shit, it seems that we moms inevitably become judge, jury, and referee. And it's just not anything I feel prepared for nor something that I feel at all capable of doing.

I can understand the older child's annoyance with having her building blocks knocked down, her papers torn, and her pictures colored upon. And I can understand the younger child's desire to want to play with her, be near her, and engage with her in his own extremely special way.

I just haven't been able to effectively express those sentiments in a way that doesn't involve me yelling my guts out and sending both children to the corner.

Seriously, why can't we all just get along?

So after the fights, the trips to time out, and the timer setting for a fucking Magnadoodle, I'm exhausted and frustrated. And I feel like a failure.

Yesterday, I could no longer bring myself to plop my son back on his time out stool as he laughed the whole way there and back. I had no more idle threats of lost desserts, hammers, and stories. And I just cried, a loud long blubbering sloppy ass cry.

It's one thing to have these kids. But it's a whole other one to actually raise them.

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Great blog you have here but I was curious if you knew of any discussion boards that cover the same topics discussed here? I'd really love to be a part of community where I can get advice from other experienced individuals that share the same interest. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. Thanks!

Hi there,
I feel your pain. The fighting sucks but it DOES get better. Mine are 23 months apart and when my youngest turned 2 the tables turned. Finally the CONSTANT fighting stopped and turned to playing. TOGETHER. For real, without me. They still fight But instead of 75% fighting, it's now 75% playing and it is the most beautiful, sweetest thing, ever. Hang in there mama. No advice on the extra baby....

Okay. I realize I am going to sound like some insane neo-con freak job when I admit to some of our parenting tactics. We have three boys and they are (well, at least the older 2) huge fighters. When they get going we make them drop and do pushups. This has a few benefits - (1) it's hard as crap! (2) it's very hard to bicker when you are trying to do a pushup, (3) it wears them out (4) maybe it will help them in the future when they have to do those exercise tests at school.

Okay, I know that sounds boot camp, but seriously, give it a whirl. Whooping their asses isn't a good idea, but there is some truth to the saying that the body remembers.

I just wanted to say that I only have one kid & feel like I should apologize. Although, I did spend the 20 minutes after I said I was ready to go to grandma's, waiting for huz to take a shit (mine ALWAYS has to go when it's time to go!!!) packing the one bag up that we were taking & then going back to repack bag #2 because DD had to rifle through it to make sure her stuff was all in there & then go back to bag #1 because what she was looking for in bag #2 was actually in bag #1. ARGH!!

I have one thing to say about the ridiculously long shits. God doesn't like them either. Want proof? If you sit on the toilet too long you get hemorrhoids. Yep. If that's not proof that you actually are a pain in the ass, I don't know what will get through that skull o' steel.

Can someone PLEASE tell me why it takes a man 45 minutes to take a shit? I honestly get PISSED when husband says "I gotta go to the bathroom" because I know I have no chance of getting any help with the kids for nearly an hour. Seriously. What The Ef?!?!? Me, I'm in and out. He actually sits there so long that his legs fall asleep. You think I'm kidding? I swear I'm not. He's been doing this since we started dating. I will NEVER understand it.

I have gone into my closet (so not kidding) with the door shut, faced toward the corner of the closet, so I can have 10 mins of quiet. I have also locked myself in my car, in my own driveway.
Because fighting kids (and at my house barking Pugs) just scream professional modern woman right? I had a call last week and dogs started barking like Ted Bundy had just walked into my foyer so it sounded like I probably had my car on my porch or something to the people on the other end of the line. Good times.
I am so with you, you are not alone. Until you take over the world and make new rules for us, the closet is a good option as are bags for the DH to wear so he won't have to do bathroom breaks during the conf. calls.
Missed me? I have missed talking to you and hope we can catch up. You rule!

Like most other commenters, been there...still there. One minute they're playing nice, next minute they're at each other's throats. It's been like that for years. And now with the baby, they fight over him too. Luckily I get a little 9-hour break...it's called work...lol. I would totally lose my mind if I worked from home...and to those who do--amazing. You're awesome.

how many times aday do i ask my brood "can´t we all just get along!!??". oh, sister, i feel your pain. my brain hurts at the end of the day from constant negotiations. my solution has become..."everyone stop complaining or you´re sleeping on the porch with the dog and you´d better hope the skunk doesn´t visit tonight, because i don´t have enough tomato sauce to bathe you in and then you´ll stink." worked like a charm, tonight...until they figure out i´m bluffing. keep going mama!

i'm just starting to get to that stage with mine... sometimes they play together so nicely but others... not so much. our house has too much crap already, but i too feel compelled to buy duplicates to *try* and avoid any unnecessary fighting.

Do not even get me started on this. My kids are literally on top of each other all day....they have this love/hate relationship that is about to send me to pyscho ward for sure. They always get worse when I'm on a call....I was known to actually run from them and lock myself in the bathroom while on a work conference call once upon a time. Super fun!

I have gotten to the point of ignoring the fights, as long as no one is in danger. They seem to work it out. Noisy as heck, but I am tired of hearing myself scream. 3rd expected in May, plan on losing, mind, hearing, & hair.

Husbands & Poo. Takes forever, always at a bad time. I never get the leasure of a 30 minute poo in pure silence.

It's all the husbands' faults. They seriously take the most inconvenient and LONG shits. They have the leisure to do so. How come we can shit in under 30 seconds but it takes them 30 minutes when the kids are screaming and you have something important to do?

Oh this is about sibling rivalry? Welll, it's a fact of life. It doesn't bother them it just drives us crazy. I've been told we should never take sides. Easier said than done!

You know, it never really got better for my older kids. My son NEVER forgave my daughter for taking his toys. Or sharing the bathtub when they were 3 and 1. Or being born. Here's hoping your kids get along better... :)

I just got home from trying to pick up a prescription with 3 crazy children in tow. They got the lecture before we got out of the car along with a bribe to get ice cream afterwards if everyone had good behavior (no running in the store, no yelling and no climbing on fixtures). Silly me. We made it out of the store -right before being kicked out. On the way home, we had to pull over so that 2 of the kids could stand outside of the car to contemplate their behavior for 5 minutes. Sigh.

Today I am thankful for your post and knowing I'm not the only one out there. My kids should be thankful that military boarding schools don't take applicants until middle school.

Oh honey i so feel ya on this! I have 3 boys 13 months apart and some days it is all i can do not to run screaming from my house and not look back. I had someone tell me just think of what a blessing they are and i wanted to ask...do you have kids because i do and there are days when they are blessings (J/K of course)!

It gets better I promise! I have 4, the first 3 are boys and they were almost the same age as yours. 5, 2 and then a newborn. To be quite honest I barely remember my middle son being a baby, but I survived enough to have another and got my girl. They're now 13, 10, 9 and 4 and can play Monopoly together for hours believe it or not. Hang in there and have a Happy Thanksgiving! You have a lot to be thankful for. Did I mention two of mine are also deaf :)

OMG I so remember those days. My kids fought from dawn til dusk. It nearly drove me insane. I remember once stopping the car along side the road and having one of those gut wrenching cries while they all sat in the back seat staring at me. I actually told them that day.YOU ARE DRIVING ME INSANE!!!
Anyway..they are 17,18 and 21 now and I survived and so did they. It was a close call several times though.
Take care...and know you are not alone!

I have this problem!!! Oooh, ooh, and advice! Well, it works wonders with my kids, anyway...ANY time there's a fight now, I don't give a crap who started it, who was doing what, WHATEVER. If I hear yelling and crying, all children who were in the room are sent to sit on seperate chairs. In the same room. Within a minute, they're making faces and playing together (still in separate chairs). I ask if they're ready to play nicely. Then they can get down.

If the fights start again, then they're sent to seperate rooms.

The third time? They go to bed. I leave them there for half an hour or so, until they calm down.

Ever since I started that routine, things have been MUCH calmer around here. It isn't perfect, by any means. But it's helping them learn how to deal with things on their own without huge knock-em-out fights, because otherwise, they get one cranky and breathing-fire mommy coming down on ALL of them. Mwahahaha!

hehe i used to make mine go lay on their bed and twiddle their thumbs.. they had to help clean a certain chore if they didnt listen and get up. Or they went and took a nap or had to go to bed early.. didnt stop all fighting but it made them think about what would happen. especially when one brother had to go to bed early and the other didnt.
hugs to you..

This is where separate rooms come in handy. My 7yo seems to think he's 2 lately. Drives me nucking futs. I just send him to his room. Yes, I know all his toys are there, I just need him away from me so I resist the urge to tie him to a chair and put a ball gag in his mouth. He can go act like a loon in his own space with the door closed. When he's calmed down, he may return to the living room. Wash, rinse, and repeat about 50x a day when he's off school.

This is why I refuse to be judge, jury and executioner. I simply close the playroom door and proclaim the one that walks out, pretty much alive the winner and gets dessert. I call it learning conflict resolution.

My aunt in Italy: three kids ages 2,3 and 4, in the back of her beat up car, (husband left her). She carried not one, but two wooden spoons in the car. At the first sign of fights, she would reach back with her spoons in one hand, didn't care who it was or how it started, and she got who she got, hopefully all three. Her kids, my cousins, are totally fine and laugh about it today -- I know here it's different here, but she tried her best, and her kids are very thankful for all she did, spoons and all.
It'll get better :) - hang in there, you do a lot, tough to juggle, and you make lots of moms feel better about what we do :)
Send you a wooden spoon? In the mail ?
Just kidding :)

I hear ya! I'm actually considering adding a 4th child just to even things up and stop the two-on-one action we've got going on here. My middle child is the real terror - she can annoy her older sister until she screams the rafters down and then turn right around and sit on her baby brother till he cries... the kid has talent!

As the oldest of three, I send you my sympathies. My sister (the Middle Child) and I didn't stop fighting over ridiculous things until . . . oh wait. Have we really stopped?

We lived, though. Became productive citizens with no criminal records, even. And we still speak to one another. And my parents weren't nearly as capable as you are when my sister and I were little (my mother was a teenager and my father was a pathological narcissist). So, you know, your kids will probably come out okay.

(In fact they might even like and appreciate each other at some point. But don't tell my sister I said that.)

I am in the same place with my 5 and 2 year old. They fight over every damn thing and even when I try to make things exactly equal (two yellow plates instead of different coloured plates) they find some microscopic detail that they can argue over. More and more I'm just telling them to sort it out between themselves, even though I used to HATE it when my mom did that to me and my sisters. But I just refuse to keep refereeing every fight. Blood I will clean up, but I can't be judge and jury over every little hissy over efffing legos and dressup clothes.

My youngest isn't even one and I can already see many refereeing gigs in my future. In fact, number one on the list of things heard in our house is "SPIIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKE! LEAVE ME ALOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNE!!"

Followed closely, of course, by "I tooted, hahaha!" because, well... I have two boys!