Manchester City sign Kate Winslet

Mark Hughes today signed actress Kate Winslet, to 'shore up our defence a bit, and put a bit of backbone into the team. Our abysmal away record can only be improved by Kate, and she'll be pulling on the famous blue shirt today - in front of the crowd.' But the transfer fee of £109 million, from top American side Hollywood Hamsters, was enough to send Miss Winslet into a hysterical speech at a press conference in Manchester.

'Oh wow!', she shrieked, 'I mean, I can't believe this! A hundred million for prancing about for an hour in front of an audience in nice silk clothes, and getting my hair done every day. I've got to thank Harry, where is he? And the Sheikh, and - I've forgotten his name! It's, it's - Gaga! No, Kaka!'

'And Cristiano, he gave me all the advice about make-up and pretty hair. And of course Sir Winston Churchill and Mahatma Gandhi, for all they did. And Willie! Is he here? Willliam Wilberforce, he helped me in all this, though he had to nip out for an hour or two to abolish slavery. What a team! I can't believe this!'

Kate Winslet has been one of Britain's most successful film actresses in recent years, but many were surprised that she was also an expert at bringing down strikers just outside the box, and curling in crosses when she's going forward in the wing-back position.

But fellow Hollywood actress Emma Thompson said: 'Yeah, she's one of the greats, and it's only because of acting commitments that she didn't sign up for City two years ago. She can dish it out too - she was challenging Ewan McGregor for the ball at last week's celebrity game in Los Angeles, and caught him with an impressive follow-through with her elbow. Though she was red-carded later in an off-the-ball incident, when she spat at Tom Hanks and used foul and abusive language towards the referee.'

Hughes himself said 'I'm over the moon, with just this one signing we can turn the club from an underachieving waste of money into league champions. No, Kate is worth every penny of the money. No, I'm not living in a Hollywood fantasy world. Yes, I am a rabbit.' City are expected to bid for Sylvester Stallone next week, after he's finished filming 'Escape From Relegation'.

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