New immigration laws to keep out Californians, others

Governor Bredesen is expected to sign legislation this week that will drastically cut down on the number of people moving to Tennessee from out-of-state, especially those from California. This bill is hailed as a triumph for anti-inter-state-immigration lobbyists who have been pushing for tighter control of Tennessee borders.

“This is truly a great day for Tennessee, ” exclaimed Marcy Gregory, spokesperson for Tennesseans Against Damn Out-of-Staters (TADOS). “These people leave places that suck with the intent of going someplace better, but when they come, they bring with them the culture and attitudes that made the place they are leaving suck, and in effect, make the place they go to suck. You can’t come to a nice, quiet place like Knoxville and try to convert it to a Californian culture without making it just like California. So what is the point in that? Just look at South Florida. It’s like a tiny slice of hot, humid, New-York-and-Boston Hell now. Don’t get me wrong, one or two would be fine, but when one comes, they bring all their family and friends and then there gets to be more and more of them, and they start writing letters and signing petitions and soon we have restaurants like Lenny’s that don’t cater to local tastes and before long you expect to see the Hollywood sign show up on Sharp’s Ridge. I’ll take Mexicans any day.”

This attitude has grown dramatically among native Tennesseans who are tired of seeing all the out-of-state tags on the roads, tired of seeing the real estate prices skyrocket, and tired of the ever-increasing taxes. The attitude has grown so dramatic over the last year that the pressure exerted on the state legislature forced them to act, and the legislation, co-sponsored by Stacey Campfield, passed unanimously in both houses in record time.

The law will go into effect on January 1. It bars anyone from moving here without signing an affidavit saying they will not invite any family or friends to move here. They must also prove they already have a job here and that they are not planning to telecommute back to wherever they are moving from, that they will not offer more than asking price for a house, that they will refrain from writing any letters to the editor of their local paper, will not start a letter writing campaign of any kind, and will not circulate any petition, stage any protest, or complain about the humidity. They must also learn how to speak with an authentic regional accent and pass a cultural and historical test for the location of their choice. They may not drive with an out-of-state license plate, and they must learn all backroads by traveling with a local before attempting to get anywhere on one.

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This just in: The residents of California have approved by citizen ballot initiative the purchase of the entire State of Tennessee by the California State Government.

Said California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of the 80%+ vote in favor of the Initiative, “I’ve personally called Governor Bredesen to welcome him as the newest resident of California. Naturally, we forgive our fellow Californians who were members of the now-defunct TADOS, and invite them to join own own strong CADOS ranks.”