Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Dear Mum

Dear MumI'm sharing a letter that someone I know here in Sydney wrote to her moher but never sent.....

It moved me and it moved me to tears. It's been in my head because, this week I have heard a few other stories of young, gay, lesbian and transgendered youth and their struggles with family and life. So next time you see a young gay boy, or gay girl or tranny walking down the street, give them a smile , look out for them, check they're OK. It's the least we can and should do.

Mum,

Last night you asked me on the phone over and over what was wrong with me. I've been asking myself the same question my whole life and only recently have I discovered the answer.

Nothing is wrong with me. I mean Im not perfect, Im flawed like everyone. But Im not fucked up. At least not in the way you believe me to be.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually yours. I dont look like you, I dont talk like you and our beliefs and morals are so insanely different that I find it hard to believe we could even be related.

I used to be your favourite. You never hid that. There was a time not so long ago when I felt that I could tell you anything. But you've taken that away and it will never be there again because of the way you acted last year when I finally worked up the courage to tell you I wasnt straight. I'll never forget the way you just turned white and didnt say a word for the longest time and then told me you were disappointed. Or the time you met my friend Bec down the street and she put her hand out to shake yours and you wouldnt do the same. You looked at her like she was a piece of filth becuase she is a lesbian. I was mortified. Or when Hannah dumped me and I was crying on my loungeroom floor and you came over and said 'Oh I was having the worst day until I found out about you and HER. Im so relieved'

And I lost it. I threw things at you. Screamed at you to get out of my house and how dare you take pleasure in my misery.

And then came the ignorance. Everytime anything gay was mentioned you'd pretend like nothing was said. You would just get this blank look on your face and wait until the subject was changed. That was almost worse...

I can almost hear the thoughts going through you're head.

'ITS JUST A PHASE ITS JUST A PHASE ITS JUST A PHASE ITS JUST A PHASE ITS JUST A PHASE.

And the only phase around here mum is that I think I'm going to have to phase you out of my life. And it breaks my heart but you've become toxic to me. I cant grow as a person when you're standing there actively trying to crush who I am. I cant breathe!

And then you had the hide to call me last night and abuse me for not calling you on New years.

I didnt call you because I was caught up being with someone who was sitting there loving me and accepting me for who I am, and that felt so great that you didnt even cross my mind. Not once.

Whats wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with you? Becuase if you dont start sorting that out. You're going to lose me....