Strained Emotions

Summary:
This is Jasper's point of view of everything that happened it Forks. Bella's arrived and none of the Cullens know how to react. Jasper is by far one of the most intriguing characters to write in their POV. It's so much fun. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it!!

Notes:
So I've decided that I should probably change the rating of this to teen purely because of language. Of course it isn't that bad, I just want to warn some people. :D

1. I Can't Do It

I sighed as I walked through the halls of this new school. How many times did I have to be in high school? Rosalie, Emmett and I decided to be the older students, while Edward and Alice got to be younger. I hate having to fake all this. I'm not Rosalie's twin. We are nothing alike! And then there's Edward. I love him like a brother, but I can't think anything around him. He always knows when I go too far. I know it's for my own good, but really! Does he have to read my mind all the time?

Just as I thought this Edward was behind me. “Jasper? How has your day been?”

I could feel his sympathy, but I knew he was asking purely to see if I could make it, here among all these humans. “Fine,” I replied swiftly. Then, trying to seem normal, I asked, “Have you seen Alice?”

I could feel his concern and quickly sent a peaceful feeling his way. He raised his eyebrows at me and I just smiled and walked away.

While I was walking toward Alice I had to pass through a group of girls. I quietly said, “Excuse me,” and pushed my way through. It sickened me when I felt their fascination. They all stared intently after me as I walked up to Alice. Frustrated I grabbed Alice's arm and pulled her to the side of the sidewalk. She looked at me confused and I felt her alarm. I quickly tried to calm her down and began to talk.

“Alice,” I began slowly. She was going to hate me. “I don't think I can do this. I don't think I can take being in this school. I struggle enough as it is, I don't need Edward freaking out on me,” I paused hoping she would understand. “I...” I paused again, unsure. “I...” I couldn't say it.

Suddenly Alice's eyes went blank. I froze as her eyes grew wide. “Don't go,” she whispered in my arms as I pulled her closer to me. How could I say no...

I stared into Alice's eyes. Her confusion, hurt and fear washed over me. It hit me harder than any emotion ever had. I had to convince her that it was too hard. “Alice, I love you, but it's too hard...” I began. She started to shake. I grabbed her hand and pulled her toward the parking lot. I passed the group of girls again. I felt their shock, but I ignored it and pushed through to the car. I opened the passenger side door for her and gently pushed her in. In a second I was sitting next to her explaining how I felt. “Alice... I love you, but I can't control myself. Constantly I have to think of you to take my mind off of it. I don't think I can take Edward worrying all the time.” I paused trying to gage her reaction.

She was trying to contain her panic and spoke calmly, “Jasper, I need you. Please don't go. You can make it. You've been doing so great. Forks is perfect for us...”

“My family?!” Her anger drowned me. I tried to calm her but she knew what I was doing. “Stop! My family? They are just as much your family as my family. We came to them together! Don't you remember? They took us in. They tried to support us through the difficulties. They love us. You would break Esme's heart. Can you really do that?”

I sat patiently through her tirade, and I could tell she had seen something that she didn't want to tell me. “Alice,” I began. I didn't know what to say to her. I wanted to stay, but I couldn't. “Alice. I can't. I want to, but... I... can't.” I barely choked out those last words.

Alice took my hands and looked me in the eyes. She smiled, and I could feel her relief flood the car. I looked at her confused. “Something great is going to happen here in Forks, please just stay to see it happen. Edward is really going to need us,” Alice pleaded.

I couldn't say no to her. I loved her. How could I deny her? I sighed and she grinned. She knew she had won.

“Don't worry Jasper. Everything is going to be great!”

A week had passed and I had survived. I was still with Alice, and no one had died. Edward still watched me very closely. We, more like I, had decided I should hunt no less than once a week. I could feel anxiety throughout the house, but there was nothing I could do about it. When I'm nervous, everyone is.

Alice lightly knocked on my door. I whispered, “Come in,” and turned my head away from her view as she slipped into the room. She sighed and came to put her hand on my shoulder. She jerked her hand away when she felt my disgust with myself. I could feel her shock and hurt. She sat down beside me and gently, but forcefully, turned my head towards her. She smiled timidly and spoke. She said exactly what I needed to hear, but I dreaded it all the same.

“Jasper, I can't stand it when you feel this way. It hurts. Do you really think that I would choose to be with someone who was weak and a monster?”

I turned away from her hiding my shame. Of course I would never think that she would do that, but I was so unworthy of her. I could never live up to what she was.

“Jasper, look at me,” she commanded. I forced myself to look at her, dreading it. I knew that as soon as she looked in my eyes she would know what I was thinking. She stared intently for a few moments, interpreting my expression. “Jasper, please. If anything I'm not good enough for you. You are able to hold yourself in the most awkward situations. I have to try to be heard. No one would dream of not listening to you. You have such a calming presence. Our family would never be the same without you. Why do you think we are able to blend as well as we do? It's not because we are amazing actors; it's because you create a sense of comfort, no matter where we are.” She stopped.

I couldn't believe it. None of that was true. If I just left, things would be so much easier for them. They could live in comfort, not fear.

Alice studied my expression then quietly said, “Jazz, if you leave, I have no reason to live here. I will just follow you.”

I shook my head, “No Alice. You can't do that. You can live here in ease.”

Alice stood up and walked over to the door and slowly opened it. She took one step out then turned to look me in the eyes. “Jasper, I love you. No matter what you choose I will be there beside you.” Then she was gone.

I hung my head. I had to choose what Alice would want, but it hurt me. How could I make a decision that would change her life? Would she really follow me? How could I lead her away from the one's she loves?

A soft knock came from my door and Edward walked in before I could tell him to go away. “Jasper,” he began. “You are part of our family. It would hurt more than just Alice if you left.” Then he was gone. I felt his sincerity, but it was still difficult to believe.

Next Esme walked in. God, what is this, some kind of freak show? She sat beside me and pulled me into a very motherly hugged. “I know this is hard for you honey, but you can do it. Alice believes in you. We all believe in you. You don't have to leave. We are all here for you.”

I stayed there in her comforting hold for a few moments then I got up resolved to do the right thing. “I have to talk to Alice.”

Esme nodded and I ran to where I knew Alice would be.

I agreed to stay in Forks. Alice knew how hard it was for me, and she constantly encouraged me. I knew she had Edward regulate me, but I knew that it was because she really did love me. Sometimes it was really hard for me to grasp, but she told me it often enough, and of course I felt her sincerity. It made me try harder.