Happier Living

So, you have two gold coins. They are the only gold coins you have in the whole wide world, so you hold them tightly in each fist. Then one day you actually meet the leprechaun at the end of the rainbow with his pot of gold.

He says to you, “Dip your hands in and you can keep as much gold as you can carry.” If you dip your hands in with your fists clenched, holding tightly to your two gold coins, how much gold can you scoop? Uh, none.

But if you open your hands, allowing those two gold coins to possibly slip out, how much gold can you scoop?

When you open your hands, you can hold so much more. When you close them tightly, there is no room for more than what you’ve already got.

I developed this little story to illustrate the “issues” many people have around money. Most of the time we cling to what we think money does for our status, and what we perceive money can do for us. I can’t tell you how many times a client will say, “I know I’m not happy in my job, but to do what I truly love I’d have to take a cut in pay!” Hmmmn. Perhaps. But doing what you love is, just like the commercial, priceless. And, remember this: do what you love, and the money will follow.

I was recently in a meeting when a man declared that his objective was to make $10,000 a day. Again, I thought, “Hmmmn.” Will $10,000 a day make you measurably happier than, say, $9,000 a day? Would you be even happier at $12,000 a day? Is there an end in sight, or will you always incrementalize your happiness – ‘til you get to the point where you can never make enough to be “happy”?

Can you tell me who’s got their gold coins grasped tightly in their fists?

I have the most wonderful CPA. His name is Stan Friedman, and I’ve worked with him for quite some time. Many years ago, Stan told me that he saw a direct correlation between how much clients give away and their income. When he told me that, I was intrigued and made an effort to look at how I allocated my money. And Stan was absolutely right. The more I gave away, the more I got. The happier I got, the less I felt I needed. And still, more came to me. It’s nutty!

Don’t get me wrong. It’s better to have a dollar in your pocket than have none. Having been in both situations, I can personally testify to that statement. Being paid what you’re worth is affirming, and having financial integrity is fulfilling.

But, when you give yourself the freedom to be generous, the world opens up to you. Generosity begets abundance. Don’t take my word for it — give it a try.

Clinging tightly to an idea that money = happiness… limits you. It restricts your access to the underpinnings of true happiness, which are, simply, doing what you love and are good at. You can’t help but be rewarded for that, my friends.

Imagine Lewis and Clark cresting a hill and looking down over a plain teeming with more wild creatures than they’d ever seen. If they came to expect plentiful game over every hill, the explorers could take only what they needed and leave the rest to grow and multiply.

But if they crested the hill sick with famine, they might be tempted to slaughter everything they could and gorge — in answer to their famine or anticipated famine. That tactic, of course, decimates herds and leads to what? Lack.

Life’s like that. If you see the world as an abundant place, you take only what you need knowing your needs will always be met. Likewise, seeing the world from a famine-state, from “lack”, can cause us to take much more than we can possibly use and end up in excess.

Although it’s been said that “nothing succeeds like excess”, “Keep it simple, stupid” also rings true. Living in abundance is much simpler than living in lack.

What’s your relationship with abundance? Do you see the world as a naturally abundant place? Do you have everything you need in your life, or do you carry the feeling that there is something missing — plenty you lack?

Once I talked with someone who is 5 feet 11 inches tall. Know what she said? “I always have wished I was six feet.” Going through life lamenting one inch? Come on, now! From my five foot six perspective, the girl’s got abundance! But in her eyes, she’s just a little bit lacking.

The feeling of lack is one of the most pernicious limits we human beings place on ourselves. The sense of lack, the feeling that we don’t have enough, most often comes down to three areas: Money, Time and Love. Let’s look at how a “lack mindset” works with each, shall we?

Lack of Time Those who have attended one of my Stress Less Now! workshops know that the clinical description of stress is feeling you don’t have the tools necessary to complete the task at hand. When we feel as though we lack the tool of time, we rachet up the stress level for ourselves. We live in crisis mode. We often compensate by rushing through things — giving us plenty of opportunities to make careless mistakes and beat ourselves up for not being more careful. We often excuse our faulty decision-making saying we haven’t enough time to “think it through.”Lack of Money When people wish for abundance, they are most often wishing for more money. Many of my clients have the long-standing belief that the solutions to most of their life’s problems could be solved if only they had enough money. They don’t have enough and can’t possibly get enough. They have a lack. To address the perceived lack, though, they can get into dead-end jobs they hate — just for the money. Or, they create such a money famine that they spend recklessly, buying more stuff in an attempt to address the famine. But the underlying perception of lack is not addressed — and persists.

Lack of Love Here’s where a perceived lack of love bites us in the patootie: a newly single person looks around and says, “Hey! I don’t have enough love! I lack a partner! I need to get me one!” So they grab for the first guy or gal who crosses their path — and then wonder why the relationship doesn’t work. It’s not, “I want to be with you”, but “I want to be with someone, and you’re handy.” This leads to intolerable situations with unsuitable people. And unecessary heartbreak. And no meaningful solution to the feeling of lack.

How to turn this all around? Here’s a tip: Shift your feeling of lack — “I don’t have enough” — to one of abundance — “I have exactly what I need at this moment.” Sounds too easy? Or Pollyanna-ish? Or downright impossible?

Need a concrete exercise? Okie doke. Write it down: what is it you want the very most in the world? A client recently told me she needed more attention. She’s dealing with some really tough decisions and feels like no one’s calling her to check in and see how she’s doing. I asked her how often she picked up the phone to reach out to people in her life. “Uhhhmmm,” was the response. Ask yourself: How can you give what you want the most to yourself? The kicker is that the solution is close at hand: we all are able to give ourselves what we lack. It just seems easier to wait for someone to give it TO us instead. The nutty thing is this: If you give precisely what you feel you lack to others, you’ll insure that you’ll receive it back.

It’s true. You get what you give. If you hold back from meaningful relationships, how can you expect to receive the love you crave? If you are disrespectful, will you receive respect? If you rush, how can you be other than rushed, and rush others? If you are negative, you will find yourself surrounded by negative people. But, if you make an effort to be what it is you want to receive, you will find the world a more embracing place.

Dr. Jon Haidt’s book The Happiness Hypothesis has a wonderful formula for computing happiness: H = S + C + V, with H representing your general happiness, S your set point, C the conditions of your life and V your voluntary activities. In the last year I’ve had the opportunity to work with quite a few individuals who are either immigrants to America or the children of immigrants. For many of them, their S is set on lack, in recognition of their family’s struggle to come here, and their fear that their hold on their new life is quite fragile — it could vanish in an instant. It’s tough to shift from lack to abundance, BUT IT CAN BE DONE.

Take a hard look at yourself — are you a person who lives in lack? If so, it’s OK. Be conscious of it, know where it comes from, and work to shift your mindset. Try saying, “I have everything I need” everytime you feel like saying “I don’t have enough.”

Focus on what’s right in your life instead of what’s missing. Focus on the 5′ 11″ you stand, rather than the inch you lack. Love what you have, and ask yourself if your choices are designed to fill a sneaky sense of lack — a sense which robs you of the joy available in the here and now — or whether they’re made from a vantage point of abundance. Move your S into abundance and your H will follow.

I was reading Henri Nouwen’s book The Inner Voice Of Love, and came across the most interesting idea. So interesting, in fact, that I grabbed the closest thing I could write on (the back of an envelope, a la Abe Lincoln), and wrote “Discipline gives you a sense of your inner strength.”

When I look back at my life, I see quite clearly that there have been times when I’ve been undisciplined — and those are generally very chaotic periods. However, when I have been more disciplined, I realize, I move more swiftly through crisis.

I wondered, “If I have a coaching client who feels overwhelmed, would it be helpful to suggest they find one place in their life to exert some discipline?” By Jove, I think I’ve got something there.

Isn’t it funny that three words which were of such great importance to earlier generations — sacrifice, obedience, discipline — have been made into veritable four-letter words in this generation? Somehow, sacrifice, obedience and discipline are stodgy. They limit our self-expression. They repress us. They’re for squares, man.

But the flip side to the “if it feels good, do it” school of anti-discipline can be a feeling that resistance is not only futile, but that we are not strong enough to resist. Take away the extraneous words in that sentence and you’re left with: “…we are not strong enough…”

That’s a pretty sad way to look at life. Not very positive, forward-looking or powerful, huh? But a fairly widely held view, if you just take my clients’ word for it.

When I feel disciplined enough to exercise, I not only feel better about my body, but I feel better about my ability to stick to it. My dear cousin Joe, who is sneaking up on his 50th birthday, started an exercise program eight weeks ago. Now, I love this dear man. But he’s not the exercising type. He’s an artist, a historian, a thinker. When he told me he’d joined the gym near his house and was exercising every day at 5:30am, I thought, “Yeah, right. We’ll see how long THIS lasts.” How wrong I was. Joe is trimmer, he looks great — but most of all, he’s reconnected with his inner strength. With his ability to be disciplined.

Discipline doesn’t have to be dour. Don’t you just visualize some joyless, self-sacrificing, beige kind of person when you think of discipline? OK, there is a quartile of you who thinks of some dominatrix named Helga, but shake that off, will you?

Let’s reframe discipline. Think about discipline as making inviolable time to be with your children. To connect with friends. To build your community. How about the discipline to attend to your own self-care? To honor yourself by feeding yourself well, or taking yourself in for a flu shot, or buying yourself a gift.

I have begun taking myself out on dates. Sound weird? Here’s how it goes. I ask myself, “What would be fun to do?” Maybe I take myself to dinner and a movie. Not dinner from a fast-food drive-in window, but at a real restaurant with tables and waiters and stuff. I order whatever sounds good on the menu and a glass of wine. Then, I choose a movie I really want to see and buy myself a ticket. Sure, doing this with a friend is lovely. But doing it for myself is affirming.

I treat myself as I would treat a guest.

And I end up feeling pampered, and cared for, and… dare I say it?…happy.

Discipline gives you a sense of your own inner strength. Having discipline is all about choosing to make the most of your life. You make choices to support yourself — because you are strong enough to do that. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, or oppressed, or chaotic, take a moment and find one little area of your life where you can reconnect with your own inner strength — even if you feel you don’t have any, or other folks tell you that you have no right to strength — you can find it. Then nurture it. It will grow. Then, let your inner strength build the life you are meant to have.

Our cavemen ancestors were pretty wily characters. But they had to be. Their survival depended on it.

They developed an evolved ability to notice changes — because if the T-Rex usually drank at the water hole in the morning, then that might be a safe time to go out and gather berries. If they saw fresh footprints, or droppings, or heard roars outside the cave, that might be a change – and might be the wrong time to poke a nose out of the old cave.

It was good for Grandma and Grandpa Caveman if everything went as expected, because that meant no surprises. No T-Rex coming out of nowhere, looking to eat a clueless Caveman. Yep, Grandma and Grandpa kept an eye out for changes, noted them, then tried to predict how to behave so they wouldn’t get eaten.

We modern humans don’t like change, either. We resist it. We deny it. We attempt to wish it away. It’s just that surprises can be so…surprising. Think about a time you were surprised or startled at something which wasn’t what you had expected. Did your heart race? Did your vision tunnel down? Did you have the urge to get the hell out of there?

Why, you’re just like a caveman!

This jumble of reactions to being startled or surprised is call “the fight or flight phenomena” and we’ve all heard about it for ages. But guess what? Like so much other research, the studies which documented fight or flight were done on male subjects. And that’s changing. For example, when researchers started doing studies on women and heart disease, they found women had much different heart attack symptoms. Similarly, recent studies at UCLA have shown that women aren’t particularly motivated by fight or flight — that’s generally a male reaction to stress. Women, rather, stay put — and “mend and tend”.

Let me give you an example. There’s a war going on. Men are fighting, fleeing, or laying there dying. Women, on the other hand, are Clara Barton or Molly Pitcher. When the workplace is stressful, women often make sure their team has bandages and enough to drink — and this is precisely where women executives get stuck. The war is raging around them and they are oblivious because they are tending to their people.

When I coach women in this situation, I try to reframe “mend and tend” as a uniquely female asset while simultaneously raising women’s consciousness that they have to engage in the office politics with the guys. If a woman steps out of the game to tend to her team, she’s often “out of it” and excluded as a player, with sometimes devastating career consequences. I think women’s basic orientation toward “mend and tend” is the reason so many of us step away from corporate careers and toward our own businesses. It’s “The game makes no sense using your rules – I’ll play by my own rules, thank you very much.”

Dr. Michael Gurian, in his book What Could He Be Thinking? talks at length about how men are constantly calibrating their sense of worth by evaluating the men they are around. They ‘sportify’ nearly all they do, with teams and statistics and standings – just so they can know where they are vis a vis the “other guys”. [Sportify is my own word, dontcha like it? Feel free to work it into any conversation you’d like. Hey, wonder if I can get it into Webster’s…!]

Bottom line: women are just wired differently than men. To jump to another subject, I think that’s why some women are not participating in politics. With all the reportage around who’s up, who’s down, margin of error – it’s sportified to the point that it’s not relevant to the way many women see the world. [oh, I just used sportify again! It’s starting to catch on!]

While men continue to dominate the executive suites, fight or flight will be the common currency of the leadership class. But it won’t always be that way. The women I’m coaching today are the CEOs of tomorrow. I’ve talked with executive recruiters who are desperate for qualified women to put forward as CEO candidates, and Board of Director candidates. We will shortly have the first woman Speaker of the House — a powerful leadership role a close remove from the Oval Office.

I’ll bet you, as more women leaders step into their own unique abilities, we’ll see significant change in the way companies work. Because a woman’s “mend and tend” approach is a powerful way to build teams, manage groups and create cohesive morale. All things which are vital to success. All things women do quite naturally, thank you very much.

Stress has come to be seen as a fact of modern life. But stress can be managed – and even eliminated!

First, understand what stress is. The clinical definition of stress is feeling as though you lack the tools to do what’s been asked of you. You may lack the tool of time, or of money, or of knowledge, or of support. But always with stress, there is a tool you need and feel you don’t have.

There are three kinds of stress: (1) Situational stress, like being stuck in a traffic jam; (2) Chronic stress, like dealing with a long-term illness, and (3) Traumatic stress, like dealing with an accident, death or marital separation. Understanding the type of stress you’re facing will help you deal with it most effectively.

There are several stress factors to take into account. Feelings of inadequacy, performance anxiety, competition, control issues, financial problems, being hurried, and – the big kahuna – what other people might think. All of these factors add to stress.

Most of the time, unresolved stress manifests itself in the body. Often, our first clue that we’re stressed is a weird feeling in our bodies. Under stress, humans get high blood pressure, upset stomachs, headaches, sleeplessness and fail to eat right. Humans are, afterall, animals – and sometimes our bodies give us messages before our brains register there’s a problem.

That’s why it’s important to Notice, Narrow and Name. Notice that there is a weird feeling in the body. Narrow down its causes. Name the cause. Here’s an example: You’re driving along and suddenly traffic stops. There’s an accident ahead. You drum your fingers on the steering wheel. Your heart rate starts to rise as you consider being late for work. Your head starts to pound as a result of your heart rate. NOTICE your headache and rapid pulse. NARROW it down – why is this happening? NAME it: I am anxious because I am going to be late. Is there a solution? Why, yes! I can call the office and do the meeting by conference call.

Once you NAME it, you can ask these questions: Can I eliminate the stress factor? Can I do it another time? Can someone else do it? Is it really stressful, or am I just making it that way? That last question is a toughie and can be re-stated as “Am I being a drama queen/king?”

Control issues are often a big factor in stress. Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is says it’s important to know whether the stressor is “my business, your business or God’s business.” If it’s your business, attend to it. However, if it’s someone else’s business, it certainly isn’t yours. And some issues are best left to the Universe to solve. You can save a lot of time and energy – and stress less – by asking whether getting engaged in a situation is really your business.

A great way to deal with stress is to change your thinking. You can Reframe the situation: did he mean to insult me with that gift, or was he just not thinking? Being Positive is also a key method to reduce stress. If you always see the glass as half empty, your pessimistic attitude will color your life experiences. Try seeing the world positively.

Avoiding Group Think is another key tactic. If everyone in the office grouses about this supervisor, that executive, that mailroom clerk – it brings the group down. Simple solution? Don’t participate. Office gossip is one of the largest stressors in modern work. Don’t play.

Many of us operate under a slew of “shoulds” – “I SHOULD be more successful”, “I SHOULD stay late”, “I SHOULD stab my co-workers in the back and walk over their bleeding carcasses to further my career.”

Shoulds, however, limit us and often fail to reflect our own values. Instead, they often reflect the values of others – our parents, our siblings, our friends, neighbors, the Joneses, the girl down the hall.

Replacing SHOULD with CHOOSE is a great way to lessen their negative impact. How empowering to say, “I CHOOSE to stay late” than “I SHOULD stay late.”

Accepting reality will help reduce stress. Often, we spend time and energy wishing things were different than they are. Accepting that your co-workers are human and make mistakes, or that some people are unreasonable, or even that some people have addictions and problems they aren’t able to address – all add up to less stress for you. If you can adopt a forgiving attitude and accept what’s real, you will go a long way toward a more peaceful life.

Remember, what you resist persists. If you are a procrastinator, you can create stress for yourself. Stuff you don’t want to do doesn’t go away. It just gets harder and harder to deal with. So, break icky jobs down into small parts. Baby steps are still steps forward. Prioritize, and plan ahead and you can make procrastination a thing of the past.

There are some easy things you can do to relieve stress in the moment. You can take a moment when you feel stressed and meditate, pray or find a still place. Remember to breathe. In fact, studies have shown that managing your breath is a sure-fire way to quickly reduce your stress. For more on this, see Dr. Andrew Weil’s work on breath.

Studies have also shown that having friends is a remedy for stress. If you have someone you can call in a stressful moment, you will find relief. A circle of friends and a range of interests help diffuse stress.

The best thing you can do to combat stress is to take care of yourself. Eat right, get enough sleep and exercise, take your medications just as the doctor prescribed them, get regular check-ups, reward your own good behavior. If you value yourself, you start from a very powerful place when it comes to dealing with stress.

If you feel time-deprived, a good exercise is to keep a Time Diary. For a day, or a week, or a month, keep track of how you allocate your time and energy. Review your diary to see if you are using your time to further your own values, or whether your time is squandered living other people’s shoulds. You may find that you have more time than you thought – it’s just a matter of how you use it.

Stress may not be avoidable – but it is manageable. Adopting even a few of these tips and tools will help you reduce your stress level. Promise.

Here’s a handy little idea to reduce your general frustration and stress level. And who wouldn’t like that?? Ever find other people who really get on your nerves? Of course you do, you’re human! You know folks are getting on your nerves when you ask yourself, “Why is she SO slow?” in the grocery checkout line, or at the intersection, “The light is GREEN! Why won’t he GO?” Or, the pernicious stress of “She didn’t even say hi in the hallway. Is she mad at me? Or just stuck-up?”

Notice what these examples have in common? We’re judging what the other person’s thinking…and taking the logical leap that they aren’t thinking the way we are (so they must be wrong). Of course we’re right and the other guy’s wrong! Really? The truth is this: We never know what someone else is thinking, or doing, or dealing with unless they tell us.

Imagine, will you, that the woman at the grocery store who is so slow is actually doing quite well considering the stroke she had six months ago. Would you still be so impatient if you knew that, or would you give her a break — realizing she’s doing the very best she can? At the stoplight — the minute the light turns green and you go ballistic — what if you knew the other driver was delaying because he was trying to help his choking child in the backseat? Would you still be so impatient? And the woman who didn’t say hi? Would you take that perceived snub differently if you learned that she’d just found out her father’s cancer diagnosis was terminal?

As my dear friend Ashley famously said, after she was widowed in her early 30s, “Once you’ve got something, you find out EVERYONE’S got something!” And it’s true. Everyone has something. And liberation comes when we recognize that the vast majority of us are really doing the best we can given our circumstances.

And it’s not OUR best their doing — it’s unfair to hold them to what we consider “best”. I’ve had so many clients say, “If I put in my best effort, I should get straight As!” or, more judgmentally, “If they only put in their best effort, they would do what I want them to do!” Can you say, “Control Freak?” (Stay tuned: That’s a whole other blog topic!)

What’s the deal with “best effort”? Is the underlying belief: If I put in my best effort, I will definitely succeed? Honey, even if I put in my best effort, I will never go to the NFL Pro Bowl as a linebacker. Ain’t no way. My best there might be Not Getting Killed. My best in any case is mine alone — and yours is yours. It’s all relative. Relative to our skills, strengths, talents and interests, that is.

So here’s what you do: In that very moment when you feel stressed and frustrated with someone else, try taking a step back and saying to yourself, “I have no idea what’s going on in that person’s life, but maybe there’s something I don’t know about — and he’s doing the very best he can.” Bet you this: bet you your stress level goes way, way down.

Each week, I’ll be writing here on a topic of interest. As an Executive Life Coach, I work everyday with people who question whether they’re in the right job — or the right relationship. They ask how they can have more satisfaction in their lives, how they can be clear on their values and goals, how they can find and live their passions…

I’ll be addressing these things and others — so check back in every Monday for thoughts, tips and resources to help you make the most of your life!