People Are Throwing “Hurricane Parties” Instead Of Evacuating, Because Florida

To be honest, I’m probably the most ill-equipped person to write about what’s happening in Florida right now. I come from the land of tornados and meth epidemics, a.k.a. Missouri. The closest thing we have to a hurricane can be found at Six Flags, along with a 10:1 obesity ratio and a plethora of rancid-smelling turkey legs. And yet, I can’t look away from the hoards of Florida folks who are responding to the president’s evacuation plea with a “Thanks, but no thanks.”

Who are we to tell the good people of America’s down under to heed the warnings of meteorologists and politicians and clear out? They know what they’re doing, and I say we all just leave them to board up their windows and down some Bacardi. It’s their god-given right as American citizens to risk their lives for the sake of a “hurricane party,” which according to the great Rachel Varina, is a “way of life in Florida.”

If you think I’m scared for these people, you’re goddamn right. If I were 1200 miles east of the great ATX I’d be shitting my pants right now. I have it on good authority (the internet’s) that over 300,000 people are already left without power. But these folks are probably just versed in the ways of hurricanes, and I really can’t hate them for it. All I can do is pray that have a stocked pantry and a shitload of umbrellas, or sandbags, or whatever it is people use to combat 130 MPH winds and torrential downpour. .

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Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.