Yes, it’s hard not being married, but I’ve been given an in-the-meantime-blessing and plan on using it as best I can.

Let’s face it. I have tons of free time, I make money with little obligation, and I have few major responsibilities. What could be better (aside from the wonderfully massive responsibility of being a wife and mother and spending my money on grocery shopping and tuition bills)?

I tend to view my singlehood as a “needing situation.” I need matchmakers and friends to set me up on dates. I need them to constantly remember me and do for me. I need mentors to listen to me, advise me and strengthen me when the going gets tough – which can be quite often. I need support and sensitivity. And I need ice cream after downer dates. And I need real friends. Not just the “So, tell me, what are you looking for” friends, or the “You should come for Shabbos some time” friends. I’m talking about the ones who don’t think of me as a hapless single who needs fixing, but rather as a good friend who happens to be single.

Gosh, I need a lot.

All my self-focus was hurting the relationships I did have.

It’s depressing to constantly be on the receiving end. I needed to change and to start giving. All my self-focus was hurting the relationships I did have. And if I needed friends now more than ever, it was time for me to work on being a real friend. As the saying goes, in order to have a real friend, you need to be a real friend.So I learned how to be there for my married friends when their going got tough (even if it is a tough time that I wish I could have).

Being single doesn’t stop my ability to be a wonderful friend. It is hard but so fulfilling to shop with my friends when they get engaged, set up their apartments, hang out with my married friends on their tight schedules, and babysit their children. There is an awesome feeling to sharing in someone’s joy amidst your own pain.

Life is a balance, and while it is exceedingly important to look out for myself, I need to use the tremendous blessings that I’ve been granted to give to others. Life is about what I can do for others – not what others can do for me. Even during the most trying times, I am not exempt from being an active person on this planet. I can always choose my focus. And as I see it, there is a blessing hidden in my test.

Being single, I have some extra time. It’s time I’d love to be spending with my husband and building a beautiful marriage. Time I’d love to use doing homework with my children and cooking dinner. But right now, that’s not my lot. So I spend my time doing other things I love. I make sure to spend time with friends and family and keep those relationships strong. I devote time to teaching and tutoring children and helping them succeed in school and in life. I spend time giving to the community and I spend time cooking and baking for the happy events that go on around me.

And yes, I spend “me” time – working on myself and sometimes just marching to the beat of my own drum. I feel blessed to be able to spend my time doing things I enjoy and bettering the lives of people around me instead of sitting in the proverbial waiting place.

I have a job, thank God. But I don’t have whom (read: a family) to spend the money on. I’ve saved up, but now I am done deferring to the future. So I find whom to spend my money on. I mentor teens and eat waaay more ice cream, bagels and pizza than I should. I spoil my family and friends. I spoil my students. And yes, I spoil myself. I go out with friends often and travel to my far-away friends on whim.

As crazy as it sounds, I wouldn’t trade my past years of pain for anything in the world. The lessons I’ve gained of being an active, empathetic person have enhanced all my relationships, especially in dating. In the past, I had focused on protecting myself. I never stopped to think that the man sitting across from me probably has been just as hurt, and is just as scared as I am. And besides, looking out for others is essential for creating a good marriage.

It’s a blessing to be on the giving end. And it’s a choice. I spent many a time sad, lonely, and cynical but it didn’t get me anywhere. I realized it wasn’t my situation per se that was depressing me; it was me depressing myself. This was at least one area I did have control over (do we really have power over anything else?).

Yes, it’s hard not being married, but I’ve been given an in-the-meantime-blessing. And I plan on using it as best I can.

About the Author

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 61

(42)
chacko,
July 18, 2015 3:57 PM

The single joy

I miss nothing, i expect nothing, i do not get hurt nor do i need to hurt and i feel the unconditional love at every moment. To me single means leaving all and finally my socially constructed ego. By being single by choie i feel one with all in perfect harmony. You are always alone with all. I am my best friend. when i am one with the the divinity with in i am lways at my best.Such single people do not need any one but can e silly elbrate life with all.

(41)
Anonymous,
March 4, 2014 5:36 PM

Wonderful article by a special person

As a mother of one of Esther B.'s fortunate students, I can attest to her warmth,intelligence, joie de vivre, and wonderful, giving personality. I have never gotten the impression that she is stuck in "waiting mode" or feels sorry for herself. She is role model. This article rings true. Well done! Mazel Tov on your recent engagement!

(40)
Gunther,
March 2, 2014 7:29 PM

Many American men are choosing to stay single because in the last 30 years, too many American women are treating men like second or even third classe citizens. Men nowadays are like kids - they are to be seen but not heard except to say honey, I brought home my paycheck.

(39)
Anonymous,
February 23, 2014 4:52 PM

Mazel Tov!!!

Mazel Tov to Esther B. upon her engagement as of February 2014!!! We wish her a life of only happiness and clarity.

(38)
Eclipse,
January 4, 2014 3:06 AM

I'm Single and I LOVE It

Please stop with the portrayal of singlehood as a somehow lesser state. Some of us love being single and wouldn't have it any other way.

(37)
Anonymous,
January 1, 2014 6:49 PM

I also found myself married to a sociopath. Divorce was a blessing. The healing process was also a blessing because I found my true self and a greater connection to Hashem. I know of too many frum marriages that are not happy ones. So I agree with number 34 you should not idealize marriage.

(36)
Shelly,
December 27, 2013 7:33 AM

Great

This articule sí simply amazing, I was single while my friends got married And i really had a Hard time, you have a great perspective And im just impressed.Thank you for sharing your ideas with meWishing you the very Best And a soon Mazal tob!

(35)
Beverly Kurtin,
December 26, 2013 2:39 AM

Single is WONDERFUL

Having been married twice, being single is wonderful. My sister and adult niece live with me and we're all single. My niece has never been married and wants to stay that way.My first husband could not earn a living if he tried--which he seldom did--but we had two children, so I had to travel for a living as it paid the most and could use my education more than in any other field. Being a woman and earning a decent wage was necessary. But the day came some 18 years after marriage when my ex decided to spend my expense check, costing me my job.I was happily single for a number of years before I decided to let another man sweep me of my feet. That didn't even last a year; he hit me, ONCE.Being a crisis intervention/suicide prevention counselor, I knew that if a man will hit you once AND GET AWAY WITH IT, he will never stop hitting.I've been single again for nearly 25 years and they've been among the happiest in my life. I can come and go as I please, do what I want to do when I want to do it.There are times when I see people who have been married for years and years and almost get a tinge of jealousy, but it last as long as it takes a camera to take a picture and the jealousy is gone as I recall the freedom I have.I do inform my family where I am, but I don't have to ask permission to go to a play or stay in a hotel overnight when I just want to be alone or take a two thousand mile drive to go visit someone. My week used to start with a 500 mile drive to my first customer of the week and 3- to 500 miles back on Friday if I didn't bother to fly.For those poor folks who think that their children will be their comfort in their older years. Hahahahahahahahaha... Keep dreaming. My kids have enough problems of their own.

(34)
Anonymous,
December 19, 2013 5:56 AM

You're luckier than you think

I am 27 and in the process of getting a divorce. It turns out I was married to a sociopath. That makes being single look like HEAVEN. You may look at marriage as this wonderful, amazing thing, and it is! For some. But there is more pain in married lives than one might think in the Jewish community. We're told that marriage is hard and that we need to work harder to make it work! So I agree with this article, but please, don't idealize marriage. Your marriage is only as good as the person you marry (yes, you are part of the equation and it takes two to tango, but it only takes one to make the other fall). That person will come when he comes, but meanwhile, learn to trust yourself and follow your instincts. Learn to love yourself. And realize that the pain of being single, as great as it is, is so much less than the pain of getting divorced from someone that you gave your heart to.

Anonymous,
December 26, 2013 9:39 PM

don't make an assumption based on your bad experience

I feel bad for you! honestly. Divorce cannot be fun. But I feel more bad that you seem to scarred. Based on your horrible experience you decided that marriage is bad. However, it is likely that if you think about it, your marriage was not good and painful, but not marriage itself. Yours unfortunately was, but don't take that and assume that you cannot get married again be happily married. don't you think that esther b. and all those singles who are reading your writing should hear about the positive experiences- which by the way is way more often than not in the frum circles! I wish you much success and hope that you find the right match shortly and that you too will soon hope for all the single to happily married like you!

(33)
Anonymous,
December 17, 2013 11:46 PM

This is simply amazing :)

(32)
Matti,
December 16, 2013 5:33 PM

Great article

Thank you for this article. I am recently divorced and have experienced many of the trials and joys of the author of the article. I especially like the positive spin of having the power to do what you really want to do! That is a valuable thing. However, it is sad not having someone to share it with and ultimately we have a need to give. I hope she and I and everyone else single will find the person they truly need to achieve their purpose and find real happiness and fulfillment.

(31)
MalkaJerusalem,
December 16, 2013 12:22 PM

Single vs. choosing wrong partner

I have married the wrong man twice. The second time I thought I was really ready to get married, I worked with a life coach after my first marriage, for 2 years. I chose the same type again, the wrong type for me. I am happy to be single again it is time to learn about me so I don't chose the same type again. These are patterns that we fall in to or fall prey to. If we are single there is a reason, it is not something to get depressed about it is something to ask Hashem, "What am I meant to learn in this situation". We must find out this answer and then ask Hashem to show us Mr. or Ms. Right. I know a woman who if an FFB her husband a BT. She waited 4 years for him to become Frum. They are very happily married and have a beautiful family. We must stop pointing the finger of blame on ourselves.

(30)
diana j,
December 14, 2013 3:34 AM

being single

Yes I am single. I at time s wish I was married and have children and grand children. But it didn't turn out that way. I have built a good life being single. I have close friends that I can rely on. They can also depend on me. Recently my best friend of almost 25 years died. She was only 55. She had two small children because she had them later in life. I was able to spend time with my friend because I did not have my own family obligations. I miss my friend very much even though she had her own family she made time for her single friends. This perspective have given me a different perspective on marriage vs being single.Diana J

(29)
diamond heart,
December 13, 2013 6:07 AM

Pray for me?

I love being single bc I have PTSD andi need alot of quiet. But im so lonely! I have no family and it kills me to love alone and rarely be included. Pleas pray for me. I do all I can, and I push my limits to be giving and positive. The truth is I'm really hurting. Pleas pray for my bashert to find me soon. I know it will be wonderful and a joy to find the right one, I'm posting this prayer bc it's shameful in my circles to ask for this prayer. Thank you!

Ploni,
December 13, 2013 3:44 PM

Don't wait, please get help

Diamond, you sound like you have a lot to offer and have self awareness. Please get help with your PTSD via IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy or EMDR therapy. It will make you whole again, IY'H. Hatzlacha raba.

Anonymous,
December 16, 2013 1:02 AM

Prayer

Dear Diamond Heart,I have prayed that Hashem gives you His Shalom and love and joy that surpasses all human understanding. That He sends you companionship and a lifeline of support. That His will be done in all areas of your life. He knows what is best for you and sees you as His beautiful creation. Torah says in Yirmeyahu(Jeremiah) chapter 29 verses 11-14, I(God) knows the plans that I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. When you call to me and pray to me, I will listen to you. When you seek me you will find me if you seek me wholeheartedly. Your willingness as a giver and encourager shows you as a Tzaddik(Righteous Person) which is commendable. Hashem says He will never leave or forsake you. In those times of loneliness take comfort in those words. I pray for your healing in body, mind and spirit. Shalom!

Matti,
January 18, 2014 6:42 PM

You got it.

I'll pray for you. I know how you feel.

(28)
Anonymous,
December 13, 2013 5:30 AM

What about the men

Esther surely writes with dignity about her single status, and i admire that since i greatly struggle with it. I notice that mostly women respond to this article which is sad since i think that not having the privilege of a partner and children is already painful for a lot of men (like myself). I know that men fool themselves into believing that being a bachelor is great and lots of fun, but i think that there must be more men like me whose heart yearns to honor a woman, who want to share the joy and responsibilities of raising children, and who want to commit themselves to that ideal.
Unfortunately, i too often see boys & girls being spoiled, having unrealistic ideas, being superficial, drawing conclusions to quick, giving up to quick, thinking there is something better to be had, being materialistic and selfish... People are to the opportunities Hashem grants them.. I by no means can exempt myself from such mistakes, but i try my best to avoid them and hope that i will learn from mistakes.

(27)
Sara,
December 13, 2013 12:23 AM

Thanks for the reminder!

Yes! You are so right one always has to focus on the positive even though it is tough.

(26)
Michael,
December 12, 2013 11:48 PM

Thank You

Esther thanks so much for this article.i am a 38 year old single man. You expressed many of the feelings I have. Love the quote about spending money on grocery shopping and tuition and our married friends tough times that I wish I had. You made me feel not so alone with your article. Thanks for making my day!!!

(25)
Anonymous,
December 12, 2013 10:28 PM

The Joys of Being Divorced

I'd write an article on that. The question is will a site like this print it?

danielle,
December 13, 2013 4:38 PM

joys of being divorced

So would I. I know technically I'm the biggest nebach but I'd much rather stick to being single and happy versus married and miserable. Please do write about it.

Anonymous,
January 18, 2014 6:45 PM

Loshon Hora applies to yourself as well

If you keep calling and more importantly thinking you are a nebach you will be much less likely to find her! You are a child of the Almighty! Tap into your potential for greatness and you will naturally attract your soul mate or better Hashem will send her to you!

melissa,
December 13, 2013 11:52 PM

Being single

While I have been single my entire life and I am used to it...as I get older I would like to spend my life with someone. So if there are any single jewish mean in Northern California around the age of 46. Come find me.

JJ,
December 15, 2013 12:59 AM

Ditto Anonymous on Joys of Being Divorced

You go girl! And guess what; I can even mow my own lawn. LOL!

(24)
Gemma,
December 12, 2013 9:52 PM

Great article; misguided comments

I'm disturbed by some of these comments. Here is a person sharing HER personal reactions to HER life situation of being single, and how she is growing from it. What does it help to tell her that she should feel differently, that you loved being single and so should she? Does anyone else here live her life, with all its complexities? Does anyone else here have her unique soul, which will react to her life circumstances in a particular way? Everything she wrote shows a noble effort to bring light into darkness and to grow from adversity. This is something we can all be inspired by, whether or not we relate to the specific situation.

(23)
Anonymous,
December 12, 2013 8:12 PM

What an Inspiration!

Thank you for sharing the struggles, your hard work and triumphs. I can truly learn from you. You are one great person who makes the world a better place!

(22)
Anonymous,
December 12, 2013 7:10 PM

Helping others in need is best use of singlehood

I got married in my 30s and hated the many single years. I applaud the author for using her time for "giving to the community" instead of feeling sorry for herself. Now, I have been blessed with twins and other kids and would like to encourage the singles to spend their time helping the mothers of multiples... the brachas you will get back from them are better than any segula you can ask for, and you will "remind" Hashem that you have the chesed to be a giving wife and mother yourself. There are alot of people offering to babysit for money, but so few that do it for the sake of chesed alone.

(21)
Chaya,
December 12, 2013 6:23 PM

Wow

Thanks so much for your thoughts and positive energy the spills forth creating a whole new dimension for me. I truly appreciate how you were able to change those messages and create happy giving thoughts. May you merit to be at the giving end in a way that we are meant to give, giving out of love and respect and not as someone who needs fixing...as a forced take myself unfortunately identify well with that mode of thinking.

(20)
Anonymous,
December 12, 2013 5:44 PM

How about discussing being single aftermsny years of marriage. Society sstill expects you to have a man in your life and it's very disconcerting
How is it best to deal with this mentality

(19)
Anonymous,
December 12, 2013 4:42 PM

One Therapy that really works!

I think that people who are single are so because of unresolved issues in their past, and the best, fastest way to resolve these issues is through FasterEFT. You can do it on yourself without a therapist! We have some great practioners here in Israel also if needed. You can look it up on YouTube.

(18)
Anonymous,
December 12, 2013 3:47 PM

Missed opportunity

Aish you really missed an opportunity here - I can't believe Aish would send an email with the title, 'The Joy of Being Single' at one of the hardest times of the year to be single. I literally read the subject line in my email and thought, ‘Are you kidding me?’ I commend the author for sharing her viewpoint and feelings on such a personal topic – and certainly empathize, as I am going through the same thing. I understand the author's point that while she (and many of us) would prefer, with all our hearts, to be married, and in the meantime we have an opportunity to live life to the fullest (which each of us should do, married or single.) I get it. But to send/post this article this year - I'm sorry, this is a little too much when I am surrounded by the holiday season with people getting engaged, seeing married couples and their children, and time when family is emphasized - all things I am happy for, yet at the same time wanting and doing everything I can to make this sacred of a goal come true in my own life. I would have much rather seen Aish post an article with a joyful blessing for those of us in the community not yet married and/or some kind of article about inspirational stories or something to provide more hope to keep going. You wouldn't write an article on infertility telling women and men 'the joys of being childless.' I'm really surprised at Aish's lack of sensitivity and imagination on this one, and particularly on the timing of this article. I am enjoying reading the comments and thank some of the community members for their thoughts and appreciate the positive stories. To the author and all of my single community members, may 2014 hold more joy and love and beshert than even we can imagine.

Esther B - Author,
December 13, 2013 2:29 PM

Im sorry

Please do not blame Aish for choosing the title. I did. I should have thought about the time of year and the pain it brings for some. I'm sorry.And "Amen" to your beautiful bracha!

(17)
Judah,
December 12, 2013 3:42 PM

Simcha

54 single Goal and accomplishment are u ready Love Hashem as much as any madly in love romance and that includes meself spend 1hour everyday talking to Him Her Freedom yes emotions fullfulled yes now finding a woman soulmate that is the Shechina here on earth would be complete actually been explaining to Him that i wont forget Him and I will still love Him on a much more complete love I think Hes coming around

(16)
Evelyn,
December 12, 2013 3:36 PM

Singole life for me is far simpler and more fulfilling.

Really don't understand all the angst over being single.

(15)
Happy Single 48 yr old Woman,
December 12, 2013 2:31 PM

Missing the point of blessings

The Joys of Being Single...and your first line says you hate it?? I understand there may be religious emphasis on marriage - I love the idea of being that committed to a belief and a practice. But, while you wait for your besherte, you are in no way enjoying the blessing of being single (as you say in the tag line). Lucky you to have the opportunity to be more generous - why even mention the idea of equating single with needy? Are you really "there" for your friends when you go only longing for their married life? And oh my, no struggling parent wants to hear a single person take for granted the opportunity to save money for a care-free future! Then the worst thing I read...your past years of pain?? being single??! This does not sound like you wake up every day thanking God for your single-life blessings. Ditch the negativity and wake up saying a blessing for all the opportunity, time, creativity, generosity, stability, maturity, beauty, etc etc you have in your single life.

Evelyn,
December 12, 2013 3:32 PM

I love being single

I am single and love it. I am retired with no need to generate income. I have lots of opportunities to work but no need. My involvement with political races is exciting and fulfilling. My connections with two local synagogues are solid.

Anonymous,
December 12, 2013 4:01 PM

I thought that's what the entire article was all about. Getting a balanced view of things until she does find the "right one." I wish I'd have had her attitude when I was single.

Beth Gibson,
December 12, 2013 7:45 PM

Take a Lesson

This comment is awfully negative, considering especially the advice it is purportedly giving. Her whole body, and dare I say soul, wants this and she doesn't have it. If she can't change her desires then at least she can change her behaviour, and I think she has done a wonderful job doing that. If she never leaves biological children, she will leave, at least, a host of children praising her and thanking her memory, and more than a few bedraggled parents.

Allie,
December 12, 2013 8:54 PM

Couldn't have said it better myself

This article really irritated me. There's no real gratitude here, there's no joy. There's a lot of whining, and there's a lot of, "well, I guess I will make the best of my misery by trying to help people who have the real problems I do not."

I love my marriage and I love being married. I also loved being single. All those years were a wonderful opportunity for me to live for myself, exploring who I am, the world around me, and how I fit into that world that I enjoyed taking the fullest advantage of. There is no possible way I could have been blessed with such a wonderful marriage had I not learned to be happy as an individual. There's only pain in being single if that's the experience you choose to have with it. People who are unable to be happy on their own generally find themselves equally unhappy with a partner.

I'm really struggling to find a reason this was published. It serves as nothing but an unrealistic idealization of married life and a mockery of the joy that can be had living as an unmarried person.

SusanE,
December 16, 2013 4:14 AM

I agree.

I agree.

Anonymous,
December 13, 2013 5:30 AM

No life is perfect

I was married for many years and have children and grandchildren. However, I've been single for an even longer time. Every day I thank G-d for a multitude of blessings, but that doesn't mean my life is near perfect. Your lack of 'rachmunis' as a person who prays, is surprising.

YMPS,
December 13, 2013 5:40 AM

She has the main point

Blessings and true happiness come most from marriage, as does completeness. She understands this and is doing everything she can to attain this. You may need to try it and find out.

(14)
Aa,
December 12, 2013 2:07 PM

Be patient and pray

I hated being single. I dated and dated and dated but nothing. I even married the wrong guy on my first round- huge wedding and all- to only last about six months. I was so anxious to start a family. Well here I am now happily remarried. I feel
As if my life "started" two years ago when I met my now husband. He is my best friend and truest partner. Stay strong and pray that Hashem will send you the right one. It happened when I least expected it, after a failed marriage and after I simply gave up with dating.

David Zumoff,
December 15, 2013 11:26 AM

I have the same situation

I thought it was very important for me to marry a woman I had known as a friend for years. We rushed to try to create a family but we have a special son who we nurture. But after 8 years she booted me out of marriage. My point to you is at least you were fortunate you could find

(13)
Anonymous,
December 12, 2013 10:11 AM

a great article no tragedy in being single as it can be a time of great growth for marriage and beyond

One of the big differences between the Orthodox Jewish world and the wider secular one seems to be the emphasis on marriage and children. So many secular people choose not to marry or have kids while from a traditional Jewish perspective never marrying is viewed as a great tragedy for a woman, and for a man it is a sin and he is not even called a man until he marries.The lad is the translation for a single man and the sages say he is without goodness. My Teacher Rabbi Noach Weinberg "zl" would say until a man is married he hasn't even begun to live. It seems to me the challenges of being a husband and parent facilitate growth when down correctly. Estjher B seems to be one who will make a great wife and mother, in addition to the great friend she seems to be.May she be speedily blessed with a kind and generous husband, children who are a source of pleasure and pride to her family,Am Yisroel and beyond.

Betty G.,
December 13, 2013 1:36 AM

I was married at 22, because that was what was expected in the Jewish world in which I grew up. Not strictly Orthodox but not secular either. I was divorced when I was 30, single for 9 years, married again, and widowed. I'd been very sick and do not have children, the only thing I regret. The 9 years I was single were some of the best years of my life...I grew professionally, traveled, made new friends and broadened my view of the world. I learned how to stand on my own. I learned who I was. I understand how difficult it can be to be a single woman or man in a community that revolves around marriage and children...I have family here and in Israel that have struggled with this issue. There was a time when there simply was no place for a single woman in the community...she was the eternal aunt..the always available babysitter. Esther seems to have already assumed some of that role. Thankfully, times have changed and a single person can have a good life..Esther doesn't have whom to spend her money on? Find a good Jewish charity..there are plenty who would benefit from her generosity.

(12)
Anonymous,
December 12, 2013 8:27 AM

Single Life Was Great

Oh Esther, I was single until I was 47. I was NOT even looking to get married when my friend introduced me to my now husband. I LOVED being single. Being single was much easier than being married. Making a marriage work is work. Very hard work. I am an artist and scholar and being married leaves no time to pursue my own interests--between taking care of my husband's needs, and the needs of the marriage itself, when is there ever any time to do things for myself? If we had children it would be even crazier!!

So many young people let their hormones speak for them. Be sure it is YOU taking, and not your ovaries!

Anonymous,
December 20, 2013 12:38 PM

Yes!

Being single is not a state of affliction. It's a wonderful opportunity to adventure and grow! Don't miss out on the wonders and blessings of today by thinking so much about tomorrow!

(11)
BR,
December 12, 2013 5:56 AM

WOW!!!!!!! THANX!!!!!

Wow! Esther B, I always said u r amazing!!!! Thank you!!!! What would we do without you!?!!

(10)
Shifra,
December 11, 2013 12:36 PM

A good lesson for EVERYONE

I think that this lesson can be applicable to anybody. There are hidden blessings in everything. We are waiting to be blessed with our first child and meanwhile I am taking advantage of the liberty I have now. I can not wait to be "shackled" with the responsibility of parenthood that I welcome w open arms, but meanwhile I am enjoying more alone time with my husband until that day

(9)
Anonymous,
December 10, 2013 8:56 PM

woooowwww

WOW! Its hard being single - I was single for many years and it was so easy to be self centered and self pitying. What you say is true but I find it very hard to actually implement. Now that I'm married I think of all the time I wasted while I was single - wish I could have been as productive as you ...

(8)
Rachayli,
December 10, 2013 8:49 PM

Really good article. You really know to make the best of a hard situation. It's an essential skill that everyone needs to learn - single or not. You're truly amazing!

(7)
Yoni M,
December 10, 2013 8:36 PM

Optimism side of the coin

Beautifully put Esther.I am single too. It took me 2 dozen times not getting past one date to realize I have work to do on myself. So I stopped dating and started learning, revealing truths about myself I couldn't see before. As frustrating and painful as it was to go on dead-end dates, like you're saying, I realize there is a reason for all of it. SInglehood is an opportunity to grow and give. May Hashem find you your partner quickly!

(6)
Yael,
December 10, 2013 5:46 AM

WOW

Esther, WOW- I want to be your friend! What an inspiration!!! I was single for a long time and I was bitter and sad. In fact, I was consumed by my sadness. I hated needing so much, depending on others- I needed all the same things you need, and I was very lonely and frustrated. I didnt really see myself as someone in a position to give- I wish I would have had a friend like you showing me the way!! I LOVE the way you approach it, and I love when u talk about the person sitting in front of you- I never thought of it that way! Keep it up, talk to other singles about what you are doing. What a wonderful thing to marry such a giver!

(5)
C.M.,
December 9, 2013 8:01 PM

A must read for every single! Thank you for such a refreshingly positive and realistic perspective on a hard situation!

(4)
Sorie,
December 9, 2013 4:58 PM

Wow! Although, I am not surprised. Esther b. being single with you all those years kept me focused on being happy and enjoy the 'free' time .I can tell you first hand, that your constant simchas hachaim and and joy in giving inspired many. Just please invite me for ice cream next time............. ;)

(3)
Miriam,
December 9, 2013 4:11 AM

wow

Thank you for your inspirational words. I am not single, but your words resonate throughout many a challenge in life. When in pain, when waiting, when hurting, it is so important to remember to give, to be real and to count your blessings. Esther B- you are a true blessing and an awesome friend. Thank you.

(2)
Lisa,
December 8, 2013 6:46 PM

You don't get extra brownie points for sitting @ home!!

I know so many singles who really sit home ( with their parents) & wait & wait & wait. I'm not judging, albeit live a little!! I was single for a long time after all my friends married....so I made other friends, traveled & lived!!

(1)
Alan S.,
December 8, 2013 3:26 PM

With this article, Esther B. is surely giving HaShem the merit of finding her beshert very, very soon. HaShem has already granted Esther B. solace and joy, evident by the eloquent words she uses to describe her current situation. I am sure that Esther B. is a wonderful woman, a lady that is 'keeping it real' (to use the modern vernacular), with her priorities in order -- with the exception of all that ice cream!

I want to know about the concept of "sin" due to Adam and Eve eating from the Tree of Knowledge. The Christian concept of sin revolves around the fall of the man and the "original sin." Does Judaism view it the same way?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Adam and Eve were punished according to their actions. In other words, God laid down the conditions for Adam and Eve to live in the garden, provided they would not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. However, if they were to eat from that tree they would be punished by experiencing death. (If they had not eaten from the tree, they would have remained immortal.)

This sets down the basic principle in Judaism of Reward and Punishment. Basic to this is that every person has the choice of doing good or bad. When a person chooses "good" – as defined by God – he is able to draw close to God. In other words, every individual has a chance to "gain salvation" through his own actions.

My understanding of Christianity, however, is that the Original Sin has infected all of mankind to the point where individuals are incapable of achieving salvation through their own initiative. Man is "totally depraved" and therefore his only hope of salvation is through the cross.

This belief is contrary to the teachings of Judaism. From the Torah perspective, an individual does not need to rely on anyone else to atone for them. In Judaism, sins can be "erased" altogether by sincere repentance and a firm resolution never to repeat the mistakes.

For more on this, read "Their Hollow Inheritances" by Michael Drazin – www.drazin.com

Yahrtzeit of Moses in 1273 BCE (Jewish year 2488), on the same day of his birth 120 years earlier. (Consequently, "May you live to 120" has become a common Jewish blessing.) Moses was born in Egypt at a time when Pharaoh had decreed that all Jewish baby boys be drowned in the Nile River. His mother set him afloat in a reed basket, where he was -- most ironically -- discovered by Pharaoh's daughter and brought to Pharaoh's palace to be raised. When Moses matured, his heart turned to aid the Jewish people; he killed an Egyptian who was beating a Jew, and he fled to Midian where he married and had two sons. God spoke to Moses at the Burning Bush, instructing him to return to Egypt and persuade Pharaoh to "let My people go." Moses led the Jews through the ten plagues, the Exodus, and the splitting of the Red Sea. Seven weeks later, the Jews arrived at Mount Sinai and received the Torah, the only time in human history that an entire nation experienced Divine revelation. Over the next 40 years, Moses led the Jews through wanderings in the desert, and supervised construction of the Tabernacle. Moses died before being allowed to enter the promised Land of Israel. He is regarded as the greatest prophet of all time.

Lack of gratitude is at the root of discontent. In order to be consistently serene, we must master the attribute of being grateful to the Creator for all His gifts. As the Torah (Deuteronomy 26:11) states, "Rejoice with all the good the Almighty has given you." This does not negate our wanting more. But it does mean that we have a constant feeling of gratitude since as long as we are alive, we always have a list of things for which to be grateful.

[Just before Moses' death] God said to him, "This is the Land that I promised to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob" (Deuteronomy 34:4).

The Midrash says that Moses pleaded to live long enough to be able to enter the Promised Land. He surrendered his soul only after God instructed him to enter Heaven and inform the Patriarchs that the Israelites had come to their Land and that God had indeed fulfilled His promise to give the Land of Israel to their descendants. To fulfill God's will was dearer to Moses than his craving to enter the Land.

It is only natural to cling to life, and the thought of leaving this world is depressing. However, if a person develops the attitude that he lives only in order to fulfill God's will, then life and death are no longer polar opposites, because he lives to do the will of God, and when that will requires that he leave this world, he will be equally obedient.

The seventh day of Adar is the anniversary of Moses' death. He wanted to enter the Promised Land so that he could fulfill the commandments and thereby have a new opportunity to fulfill the Divine wish. He surrendered his soul willingly when he was told that there was a special commandment for him to perform, one that could only be achieved after leaving this earth.

We refer to Moses as Rabbeinu, our teacher. He not only taught us didactically, but by means of everything he did in his life - and by his death, as well.

Today I shall...

try to dedicate my life to fulfilling the will of God, so that even when that will contradicts my personal desires, I can accept it with serenity.

With stories and insights,
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