Avant Bloggarde

April 07, 2006

OR, THE MOST RANDOM BUNCH OF CRAP EVER THROWN TOGETHER FOR THE SAKE OF UPDATING AND KEEPING MY MIND OFF MY MOM'S SURGERY TODAY, INCLUDING TRANSITIONS FROM AN IMPROMPTU EMAIL SHOUTING MATCH YVONNE AND I HAD YESTERDAY REGARDING THE NAMING OF VARIOUS MEAT PRODUCTS

I am out of clean clothes. OUT. My dry-cleaning pile is large and fierce and
has taken over the floor of my bedroom AND the Pack-N-Play, which
honestly I'm finding more useful as a hamper than I ever did as a
bassinet, and I'm frankly a little scared to disturb the pile because I think
the proteins from the spit-up stains sparked with some static
electricity and created life -- life that has just entered the Industrial Age and invented a
cotton gin. Also: spiders.

I am not kidding about the pile.

Just one of the many things I trust our babysitter not to reveal to the Internet regarding the way we live, like the fact that we have no toilet paper roll dispenser.

I am posting it because the child has decided that TWO teeth are a good idea. I am very mad at him about this.

The first tooth kind of snuck up on us all, and really wasn't too big of a deal at all (one morning: hello tooth nub! welcome to the mouth! take a dip in the slobber pool and stay awhile!), and I was confident in my Smug Assholeness that once again, I don't know WHAT some people are complaining about, these baby things just raise themselves!

The second tooth is bad. The second tooth is evil. The second tooth will destroy us all.

The first tooth. The second tooth cannot be photographed, much like a vampire's fang.

To: YvonneFrom: Amy

BACON

To: AmyFrom: Yvonne

WEINERS

Look at how pretty and artistic! It's really amazing what you can accomplish when you still have NO FUCKING CLUE HOW TO OPERATE YOUR GODDAMNED CAMERA.

To: YvonneFrom: Amy

POTTED MEAT PRODUCT

To: AmyFrom: Yvonne

CHOPPED LIVER

To: YvonneFrom: Amy

HEADCHEESE

And now, a pimping interlude...

Y'all would not believe the amount of email I get from various companies asking me to plug their goods and services on my site. And I don't think they really read my site because otherwise they MUST know that a She's the Man poster giveaway is probably not something I can seamlessly weave into an entry about sofa poop.

I'm usually too chicken to email these people back to kindly request that they BUY A DAMN AD, because while my content is about 99% not for sale, my sidebar 100% is.

But! Today I am going to pimp a few things.

My buddy Brandon has asked for our help with a survey he's conducting for a new business venture, because (as he put it) you minions are his target demo. Go please click here and take a short survey for him.

NOW. MEAN IT. This entry isn't going anywhere.

To: AmyFrom: Yvonne

CARNE ASADA

To: YvonneFrom: Amy

BEEF FUCKING BRISKET

Next up is my fellow Snarkywood contributer Jen and her new book: Bitter is the New Black. She sent me a copy because her heart is not actually made of jelus-Olsen-twin-hating tar. Or maybe it is, but she's just nice occasionally. Anyway, the book is hilarious and you should all buy it.

NOW! AM BOSSY!

To: AmyFrom: Yvonne

*wonders if our competitive nature is taking over*

CHITTERLINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To: YvonneFrom: Amy

BRRRRAAAAAAAINNNNNNNSSSSSS

*and also yeah, I think so*

And lastly, reader Amy and her line of fleece clothing at peanutpie.net. Amy actually did do the nice thing and bought an ad, and then introduced herself and offered to send Noah some clothes. And while I am usually kind of horrified to have any interaction with my advertisers because I feel badly about taking their money for SIDEBAR PIXELS, how could I resist free baby clothes?

Especially free baby clothes that look like this:

Look out behind you, Noah! Mama's baring her scary teeth in preparation of eating you whole!

Lord have mercy, people, is this stuff ever cute. And available right here! HOW ABOUT THAT.

To: AmyFrom: Yvonne

HAHA. I'M LAUGHING SO HARD, BUT ALSO VERY SERIOUS because VICTORY WILL BE MINE...

OMG. TURKAAAAAAAYYYY.

To: YvonneFrom: Amy

I HAVE TO GO PICK UP MY CHILD.

AND YET.

TURDUCKEN.

Would anybody like to see a blurry picture of my cat?

You are welcome. Poor Max deserved some airtime, I think.

At one time, I would have spent 20 minutes trying to get him to look at the camera and snap the perfect shot. Now I don't even bother fully charging up the flash.

To: AmyFrom: Yvonne

You leave, I WIN!

MUTTON.

To: YvonneFrom: Amy

LAMB CHOPS.

ALSO, THERE ARE NO WINNERS IN MEAT CLUB, BECAUSE I AM POSTING THIS WHEN I GET HOME.

I have a toilet paper dispenser - a really beautiful rustic metallic one in the shape of a vine with a leaf - to match the towel bars of course. And I STILL don't use it! It's at a bad angle behind me and I end up taking it off and sitting it on the scale, on the tub, or on the towel bar (!)

I love the dry cleaning pile. When I first saw it I couldn't help but think it may be cheaper to just buy all new clothes then to pay to have them all dry cleaned. Try to clear it with Jason. He might go for it, you never know.

Delurking to say Yay! I am not the only person who fears the laundry because of the potential for spontaneously generated spiders.

Good thoughts going out to your mom and the rest of your family.

Also, my husband and I are going to be in DC the week after next. I've never been there, and we currently live in a pokey college town out west with limited restaurants. What are your top two choices for best places to eat if you're staying downtown and don't have a car?

I'm too lazy to read all the comments above because the couch is calling to me and Hello! Naptime! I'm surprised that you guys didn't mention Spam. Or how about fatback? Not really meat per se but it comes from pigs. Or gizzards? Gizzards are considered meat, right?

Tripe.....smells as bad as it sounds.
I am so impressed with your clothes pile, I could lose at least 2 of my kids under there, if I piled all my clothes on the floor it would look pathetic and I think people would send me stuff because they would feel very sad that I have no clothes.
I hope your mom is doing OK...somethig very unsettling about having to be the grown up and worry about your parent. I hate that.

I may have missed it (coming into the game a little late and all), but I couldn't resist.
BEEFALLO.
...yummm...
Also, there is a recipe for squirrel in the older edition of the Joy of Cooking, and instructions on how to skin it. Because it's a useful book like that.

I took the quiz and e-mailed the Peanut Pie link to my sisters-in-law. Do I get extra credit for that?

I've read Jen's book "Bitter Is The New Black", and I have to say, it is really, really good. Susie Sunshine sent me an autographed copy because I did her a favor. I got it last Monday, and by Thursday night I had read the whole damn thing, even though I have a full time job and watched my niece and nephew Tuesday night. The book is THAT GOOD. I heartily encourage everyone to get a copy as fast as your little fingers can order if from Amazon.com!