So I had planned on coming here today and writing about prom. And instead I just got really sad all of a sudden. I haven’t felt this sad in a while. At least I know where it’s coming from. Indiscriminate sadness is the worst. I just feel overwhelmed and scared. The end is near. High school is gone, man. I’m not going back. I’m done. I can’t even fail my way back. Which I suppose is a good thing.

Endings give me heavy boots. I never quite know what to do with myself. It’s like some weird limbo phase I’m in. And my life has gotten so weird — a bug just flew by and now I’m going to be paranoid for the rest of this post — with this boy that has waltzed his way into my existence. Marion doesn’t do the boy stuff, folks. Or if she ever did it was all super-internalized and never reciprocated. But apparently she does the boy stuff now. And that adds a layer to the weird.

I’m moving to Los Angeles in August. What the hell. I can’t reify that as of yet. I’m going to major in Film Production. What if I’ve lost my passion and my drive? What if I see all these bright-eyed kids with passion and drive and I feel inadequate–or comparatively stoic? What if I hate them all? What if I feel like the odd one out? I have severe anxiety about my ability to be happy. And I’m afraid much of it stems from not knowing what I want. I just have this terrible mental scenario of me being completely closed off and miserable. I shouldn’t be this stressed about uni, but I am. I wish I was excited instead of–dare I say–dreadful.

That’s what bothering me. And money of course, but I’m lucky enough to have the luxury of blocking that out for the time being.

I feel as if I float around in a detached state of consciousness lately. I can’t decide if it’s unpleasant or not. I’m having difficulties concentrating in general though. My mind flies around so much. Homework is not getting done in a timely fashion either. It’s not really so much that I don’t want to do it, but I have myself do enough other time wasting things so I don’t have time to do it.

Is it not a secret anymore if you say you sent a secret in to Post Secret?

I get anxiety when I think about my future. And how I want to do acting. This Ingrid Michaelson song isn’t helping.

I wish Shawna would get home so we could work out the road trip. I want to finalize stuff. It’s eating away at me. I think I’m sort of living towards it in a way too.

I’m trying to work out prom as well. Mom has ordered a limo we’re gonna split amongst our group of eight. I told Neal I wouldn’t take him if he was still smoking. But then that means I have to ask someone. And I have an idea of someone, it’s just… well we’ve sort of never talked before. And I mean “never talked before” in the sense that I didn’t even know he existed until this semester. We have Gov together. And he’s nice looking and he doesn’t have a girlfriend [a rarity at my school]. You may say, well don’t make it such a big deal. But geeze. I mean, when you have literally never exchanged words, and his friends are the jocky/popular-if-you-could-call-it-that group, you just fret. I don’t even have any friends that know him that could plant the hint.

I had wanted to take Jake, but he’s, what, 23? I forget. But if you’re bringing someone from another school you have to have a signature from their principal and a copy of their drivers license. And as handsome and charming as cohenism is, I doubt we would get through the hoops of fraud.

Here’s something else new. I’m not using Pierre much. But I want to take pictures more. So I’ve researched and fallen in love with the Canon T2i. I have a friend at school who is going to see if her mom would front her the money to buy Pierre from me. If not, I think I’m going to clean him up and see what I can get for him off Amazon. I’ll be about a hundo short for the T2i then, but that is why I cashier. I expected myself to gush more about the camera, but I can’t seem to get myself to squeeze out any emotion. Here’s a picture someone took with the T2i on Flickr.

I’m gonna pick something from Netflix instant streaming and try to get some calculus done.