So how
to explain that the U.S. has won 75 medals so far and, say, Jamaica
only has two? Besides the fact that there’s no bobsled competition
this time around, it’s because we have more nuclear power plants
than they do.

Yowsah, yowsah, yowsah. Step right up, ladies and gentlemen.
See the incredible Olympics side show. Yessiree, it’s all right
here behind this scalper. I mean, ticket-taker. You’ll marvel at
the Human Skyscraper as he drops a ball through a 10-foot-high hoop
without his feet ever leaving the ground. You’ll be amazed at the
Half-Man Half-Woman, discovered in a remote corner of an Eastern
Bloc country. Is “he” the half that throws the shot put over 20
meters or is it “she”? And where else can you see the Incredible
Human Lightning, the world’s fastest man—120 pounds and not a
lick of fat on him?

Welcome to the Olympics, the Greatest Freak Show On Earth. It’s
amazing that freaks were banned from sideshows in the U.S. during
the ‘70s yet watching them is not only legal but the favorite
post-Survivor pastime. And yes, there’s no question these people
are freaks. Normal people can’t leap 8.55 meters in a single
bound. Normal people don’t swim across a pool faster than I can
drive. And normal people don’t go home crying before they compete
like Marie-Jose Perec of France did because they have paranoid
delusions about people following them. At least not the people I
know.

The athletes competing in
the Olympics are the result of mutated genes, years of hard work,
and drugs. In other words, people who have no lives from the age of
five until they’re too injured to do anything but be an announcer
on the next Olympics so they can tell us the life story of other
athletes with no life. Of course it’s better than having to sit on
the street playing the piano with their feet to make a living. I
think.

This goes a
long way towards explaining why anyone would want to devote ten
hours a day, day in day out, to practicing synchronized field
hockey, water polo (“Marco!” “Polo!”), or the decathlon
(from the Greek for “ten times as much agony”).

So how to explain that the U.S. has won 75 medals so far and,
say, Jamaica only has two? Besides the fact that there’s no
bobsled competition this time around, it’s because we have more
nuclear power plants than they do. More nuclear power, more leaks.
More leaks, more women who make Hulk Hogan look like Sally Fields
while lifting twice their weight. It has to be that. After all, it
can’t be genetics. Most Americans can’t lift their own body
weight off the La-Z-Boy to get another bag of Cheetos and a 24-pack
of Slim Jims, better yet bench press 570 lbs. or run 200 meters in a
little over twenty seconds. Hell, mention 200 meters to most
Americans and they’ll tell you that’s why they prefer the
mall—they don’t have to put money in any of the 200 meters
downtown.

It also helps that in the
U.S. we have a higher incidence of mental illness. This goes a long
way towards explaining why anyone would want to devote ten hours a
day, day in day out, to practicing synchronized field hockey, water
polo (“Marco!” “Polo!”), or the decathlon (from the Greek
for “ten times as much agony”).Drugs have a lot to do with it too. Steroids bulk you up
until you’re the size of the Incredible Hulk. And the same color
too. The difference is at least the Hulk still has testicles.

Of course as with any
superheroes, good costumes help. Some, like the Williams sisters
(no, not Esther and Andy), are into fashion. But most have other
priorities, such as adding nanoseconds to their already ridiculously
fast world record. Companies like Nike, Speedo, and Adidas have come
up with special space-age outfits to give athletes that extra edge.
Right, like they need more of an edge. This is like telling Elle
McPherson that she needs plastic surgery because her nose is 1
millimeter longer than it should be. Talk about superfluous!

I’d much rather watch John Goodman pole vault, see
Madonna take on Britney in the greco-roman cat fight, and toss
chauvinism to the wind by cheering for Björk and the Icelandic basketball team.

Thus the manufacturers are making swim suits out of fabric
that emulates sharkskin. Big deal!Cool guys have been wearing sharkskin suits for years in East
L.A. and most of them can’t swim at all. They’re also making
running suits with dimples on them like golf balls. Hopefully these
will make them run faster because I’d hate to think Tiger Woods
might mistake Konstantinos Kenteris’ genitals for a Titleist.
There’s even a one-armed suit for javelin throwers, not because it
will do them any good, but do you want to be the one to tell a guy
with a spear in his hand that you didn’t do anything special for
him?

Personally I think these
freaks of nature should be barred from the Olympics. After all, this
is supposed to be an amateur competition, not a side show. Just
because we can send ringers like pro basketball players and U.S.
Open winners doesn’t mean we should be able to send our caped
crusaders.

I think that instead of
seeing superfreaks trim a hundredth of a second from their world
record, or throw a metal disc a centimeter farther than any
quasi-human has thrown it before, we should put real celebrities in
the spotlight. I’d much rather watch John Goodman pole vault, see
Madonna take on Britney in the greco-roman cat fight, and toss
chauvinism to the wind by cheering for Björk and the Icelandic basketball team. While we’re at it, maybe
we should go back to the early days of the Olympics and have them
compete naked. All except for the pole vault, of course. Then we’d
have something to stare at.