8. With empty gum wrappers, duct tape and a leftover piece of Halloween candy, convince gullible 16-year-old that he has won a golden ticket to Willie Wonka’s Driving School; provide directions to barn of Amish neighbor.

3. Dress as giant sea gull, swoop down upon unsuspecting drive-thru customers–stealing their cinnamon bagel twists just as they are about to drive away, simultaneously dumping a gallon of white house paint on windshield.

4. Convince children that they are eating KFC when it is actually KFP while refusing to answer frantic phone calls from the zoo.

5. Disguised as Amish neighbor, drive horse and buggy to Apple Store and ask for demonstration of wood-burning iPad2.

02/10/2011

Dear Johnny,Whenever I open a Word document, I see the “Home” tab, but it never takes me home.

Why?

crazy4u, So. Wapatusset

Dear Crazy,

“Home” is just a metaphor (that means “symbol”) for a “destination” some of “us” refer to when returning to the place of “origin” of the “document,” not the place of our “birth” or upbringing or where we store the Wii. In many software programs, words such as “mailings” and “Acrobat,” do not bring us glamour magazines or circus performers. You see, a certain level of technical “sophistication” must be learned and earned—we cannot simply grant it from our “nest” on the fifth floor.

I hope this helps.Johnny, Techmeister of the Year

------Dear D-Man,

Sometimes I hear strange noises coming from a funny box near my desk and lots of very thin white stuff with magical scrawling comes out of it.

Runwitsizzas, Zone 479

Dear RunWit,

Not to worry; this is a common occurrence. We use software such as Word(many letters in small and large bunches), Excel(numbers and money things), and PowerPoint(pictures, arrows, dark and light areas), to produce “documents.” Sometimes we want to “print” such documents in color. In those instances, we “send” them to the big bright machine behind you to “print them out,” And thus the noise and white stuff. So don’t worry about those funny sounds; it means someone, somewhere, in your building is possibly doing something useful. Maybe. Probably one of the bosses. Hey—it could happen.

Word.Johnny, Your Office Helper Guy

------Dear Spaz,

How do I become one your tech groupies?

Starryeyed456, Outside your office window

Dear Starry,

While we have unlimited capacity at Planet Spazmatonic, we do not have unlimited patience. We must separate the wheat from the barley, and then ferment the barley. Therefore, please send me a photo of yourself embedded in a Word document (or whipped cream), along with a 25-word statement as to why you would qualify as a Deputized Sheriff in the Great Techno KnowItAll Squadron, Secret Agent spaz’s Electronauts.

Slogan: “We’re not just technical geniuses, we floss, and use surge protectors, too!”

Motto 1A: “If it has electorific parts and wires, we know where the plugs are!”

Motto 1B: “We friggin’ love punctuation!%$#!”

Secret club password: SecretClubPassword. (This will be sent to you upon acceptance. You’ll be able to decode it with your Deputy badge. Hint: the hint is in the password.)

Brother Spaz, Lord of the Ether

------Dear Delusional “Guru,”

Is Microsoft—or even anyone at TMG—aware you are disseminating this drivel?

jhg, Wapatusset Dept of Truth

Dear Jhg,

First of all, no one has ever called me a “Guru” before—thank you. (And you know we love the extra punctuation marks! Cool!) I understand your eagerness to learn more. It took me months before I learned drivel. To access drivel in Microsoft Word, open HOME, open OPEN, open EDITOR folder, open SCRIM SHAW, and just start sorting through the documents. (Caution: Do not open anything if you have a mouth full of liquid! He he!)

Thermo Spaz, The IT Vacuum of Knowledge

Tech Tip of the Season:Every keyboard (except for laptops) has a number pad. Try tapping 2, 4, 6, or 8 and see what happens!! (I know!!!! Cool, huh????)

01/31/2011

Wapatusset, MA - February 1, 2011 - Mr. York Benchley, founder/ publisher of the Tiny Mind Gazette, has hired Michael Calienes for the position of Resident Generalist, Micro-National Affairs – a position that remained vacant since Mr. Benchley’s olive baboon, Bill, passed away early last year.

Under ordinary circumstances, finding a replacement would have been easy; Bill, however, was no ordinary baboon. He was THE monkey of the Infinite Monkey Theorem fame* which states: a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare.

“It was a dark day,” Benchley recalls. “When I broke the news to Bill that his latest creation, Romeo and Julio [sic], was yet another Shakespearean rip-off, only with an all-male cast, he was visibly distraught.”

Hours later, when Mr. Benchley returned from a morning of virtual acrobatic water skiing – the only activity that allows him to mentally disengage from the onslaught of today’s ongoing publishing struggles -- he found Bill crushed under his own IBM Selectric, a Padrón 1964 Anniversary Series cigar still burning in his ash tray.

After a painfully long grieving period, followed by an intensive three-day search, Benchley landed on Calienes because, “In all honesty, he was there.” Contract negotiations were complete after three personal Facebook messages and one tweet.

When pressed about his terms, Calienes said, “I can’t divulge the actual number, but there are a lot of zeros in it.”

12/30/2010

Excerpt:As we collectively stand knee-deep in the mire of social intolerance, media manipulation, financial desecration, and the unfortunate decline in daytime television programming, we thought it might be a suitable time to focus on sunnier subject matter.

Excerpt:So what’s the deal with cats? They are extremely passive aggressive and often anti-social. Sometimes, I get so frustrated that I cannot help myself, and chase them up a tree. This is okay, right?

Excerpt:As parents, we frantically squirrel away hard-earned coin into the college coffers for our kids—with the high hopes that their post-graduation residences exist beyond the walls of our basements and paneled rumpus rooms.

Holidays are the time to indulge. Thanks to Mad Men, cocktails are back in fashion and booze and business go hand in hand, once again. So saddle up to the bar and show your boss you know the difference between a Manhattan and an Old Fashioned, a Sidecar and a Sloe Gin Fizz. Mix ‘em up and impress everyone with your know-how and stamina.

After a couple drinks, break down that exterior and tell your coworkers what you really think of them. This is healthy and good, and opens up lines of communication.

By all means, dance. Especially if you’re over 40. This is your chance to prove that you still have some moves. Ask younger co-workers to show you the latest trends ("What is this freak dancing everyone's talking about?").

Talk business. After all, it’s the one thing you all have in common. But instead of talking specifics, go more “business casual.” Memorize quotes from authors, thought leaders and inspirational speakers and throw them out during lulls in the conversation:

“Small is the new big.”(Seth Godin)

“Green is the new black.”(Graydon Carter)

“Anytime you withhold love, you are punishing yourself.”(Tony Robbins)

Shy? Sober? At a loss for words?Rehearse some jokes and ice-breakers the night before.

“What’s your core competency?”

“Do you like animals?”

“So Jack Canfield and Deepak Chopra walk into a bar…”(you get the idea)

Have some witty parting words up your sleeve. Book titles often work well, like “See You at The Top”(Zig Zigler). Or make up your own to show your humorous side, e.g. “Tweet ya later!”

Leave with a doggie bag – it shows that you’re thrifty and very appreciative of the food.

11/16/2010

“Finding the Joy in a World Gone Sour”

This is the second in a series of articles on growth, opportunity, prosperity, and the permanent eradication of evil and evil-deed-doers on our ever-changing planet (Earth).

Yesterday’s article covered poorly anticipated career paths that have left many of us suspended in mid-air—much like Wile E. Coyote, 10 feet past the edge of a cliff, air-peddling as quickly as possible.

As parents, we frantically squirrel away hard-earned coin into the college coffers for our kids—with the high hopes that their post-graduation residences exist beyond the walls of our basements and paneled rumpus rooms.

Today we optimistically present new avenues for career advancement and lifelong employment. Below is Tiny Mind Gazette’s list of 100 stable occupations for the somewhat unstable future (in alphabetical order).

11/15/2010

Note from the PublisherDear TMG Reader:As the Tiny Mind Gazette enters the second year of publication, we have rehydrated our commitment to the responsible aggregation of suitable content. As we collectively stand knee-deep in the mire of social intolerance, media manipulation, financial desecration, and the unfortunate decline in daytime television programming, we thought it might be a suitable time to focus on sunnier subject matter.

Today we are offering the first of a series of articles to be published under the subhead “Finding the Joy in a World Gone Sour.”