THE DAILY SHOW HEADLINES

AUSTIN CITY LIMITS
As the Democratic Party hones its campaign strategy for next year's election, it might look to Austin, Texas, where Democrats are facing off against Republicans using a strategy experts have dubbed "running like hell."

Fifty-three legislators from the Texas House of Representatives bolted for the Oklahoma state line to prevent a vote that would redraw voting districts to favor the Republican House Majority.

Speaker of the house Tom Craddick broke the news, saying, "we have found 40-plus members located in Ardmore, Oklahoma, they are staying at the Holiday Inn, at the present time, five minutes ago they were having dinner at Denny's, for those of you who might be interested in that." Divisions in the Democratic ranks appeared at Denny's, where representatives were deadlocked over the issue of whether or not the "Moons Over My Hammy" is delicious.

VIOLENT DRILL TEAM
A nationwide bio-terrorism drill was kicked off in Seattle last week, as a mock explosion of a dirty bomb tested the preparedness of firefighters, police, and other emergency workers.

The Seattle drill is said to have run smoothly until news of the wartime re-enactment reached a group of nearby Civil War buffs, who excitedly set up a basecamp and attempted to saw off victims' legs.

According to Seattle mayor Greg Nickels, such an event is crucial to national security because, quote, "homeland security really begins at home." Nickels is actually speaking literally. Homeland security really does begin at his home as Tom Ridge is crashing on his couch for a couple of days.

BLAIRLY LEGAL

The New York Times recently printed an exhaustive front-page story flagellating itself for the deceptions of a Times reporter, Jayson Blair, while also providing the first evidence we've seen in years that newspapers have any sense of shame.

Blair was discovered to have falsified and plagiarized dozens of stories for the Times. One glaring example of Blair's deception were his vivid bedside descriptions of wounded Marines at the Bethesda Naval Medical Center. The hitch is, he was never there but interviewed them by phone. This fact should have been more apparent when he relied on one heavily sedated Marine's description of the other as "a quiet purple centaur with TV coming from his mouth."

Expense reports show Blair was at home in Brooklyn when he was supposed to be in Maryland covering the sniper story. One embarrassingly false report that made the front page of the Times was titled, "Boy, There Sure is a Lot of Sniping Going on Here Where I Am. Maryland That is... Where I Am at Presently. Dang. Look Around at Maryland."