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“Don’t worry so much about tomorrow that you miss the beauty and joy of today.”

I’m a born worrier, it’s built into my DNA and something I’ve fought my entire life. I have very vivid memories as a child of worrying about all kinds of things – ghosts would get me (but they can’t see you if the pull the covers up to your neck), that the house would burn down, that my body would forget how to breathe (how does it know to just keep doing that???) and as I grew up and became an adult, I wasn’t much better. I was (loosely) diagnosed with an ulcer at age 18 and in and out of doctors for years with stomach issues that most attributed to a nervous personality. I paced the floor more times than I can count with a pounding heart, terrified by . . .I’m not sure what exactly. I have an extreme phobia that I rarely talk about but it kept me paralyzed me almost to the point of being curled up in a ball on the floor. I’m also a planner and I think worrying and planning go hand in hand – a worrier feels like if they can control more, anticipate more, stay organized and in control over every moment of their life, it’s all going to be OK. I thought not just days but weeks, MONTHS in advance, planning every moment of every day but spent a lot of time being not just disappointed but devastated when something went wrong.

That all changed in 2004. The rock in my world, my biggest cheerleader and biggest critic, my grandma died. She never indulged my anxiety – she loved me, gave me a safe place but when I started to go off the deep end, she was the one telling me to stop, take a deep breath and really, really think – you are getting worried and upset and SICK about something that may never happen! I never really understood what that meant until she died but I decided to live my life with more calm, more joy and less worry about what may never come.

So, I started therapy, I quit my job, I got off the fast track, I took 6 weeks off work and went back as an Accounting clerk, 3 good pegs down from my previous job. I worked my way back up to my current company but I decided to structure my life totally different. Less worry, less stress, more fun, more joy, more wonder, more new experiences, more time with friends. I got tattoos, I para-sailed, I pushed myself to try things I never would have before. Is my life perfect? Far from it and I still love to plan a good event, I love to research trips and travel, cars to buy, restaurants to try but I don’t freak out if plans go awry and we need to come up with a new one.

Another big lesson I embraced was to learn how to politely and tactfully say no. No to doing things that I didn’t really want to do but feared I would let someone down, no to things that I felt pressured to do by someone else but didn’t interest me or I just downright didn’t like. Women have SUCH a tough time saying no to anyone but the big secret is, you are a happier person for your friends and family when you give yourself a break, allow yourself the freedom to choose the things that bring satisfaction to your life and let go of the things that bring you stress and sadness. Trust me – your friends, at least the good ones, will understand and love you anyway.

Finally, having a police officer as a husband will do that to you too – he joined the force in 2008 and admittedly, the transition was a tough one for me, even then but I know for a fact, if he had become an officer in our 20s or even early 30s, I probably wouldn’t have been able to handle it. . .it would have put a tremendous strain on our marriage and my well-being. But now? I’m proud of him in a way I never imagined but you have to get over the disappointment of cancelled plans, late nights, missed events and being alone pretty damn fast. It still isn’t easy some days but whenever I feel the panic rising, I remember to stop, take that deep breath and remember to live in the moment, enjoy the beauty of the day and not waste time and energy worrying about tomorrow.

So, I have put off posting this and I’m not sure how many out there really care about my experience but just in case others are struggling, I thought it may be a little of a lifeline for you.

If you know me, you know I am committed to working out regularly, watching what I eat, trying to make good food and portion choices and keeping on top of my health as much as possible. When I started gaining weight, for what felt like absolutely no reason, I came across a Facebook feed post about Eat to Perform. You can go back and read all of my related posts, if you have the time and want to learn a little more.

In a nutshell, they are selling (literally) a philosophy that basically states, if you are any kind of athletic or work out regularly as well as watching your weight, you probably are under eating to get the results you want. There also is a formula that helps you figure out the correct mix of protein, fat and carb grams along with a little explanation of how the formula works on their website. I used this formula to come up with my target grams for each, along with a target calorie to consume, which was approximately 200-400 calories higher than I had been targeting before.

I stayed with this program for 2 solid months and maybe they would argue that’s not long enough. That’s fine but I know by the end of those 2 months, I was so miserable, I just couldn’t do it any longer. Not only had I NOT lost any weight or body fat, I actually gained about 3 or 4 pounds and 1-2% body fat. I was also so obsessed with lowering carbs and increasing protein, I was drinking protein shakes almost every single day to try and reach my protein gram goals. Now, I have NO idea what caused me to gain so much weight – so much that I reached a new high weight for the 1st time in about 4 or 5 years, despite Eat to Perform telling me that I was starving myself. Was it the protein shakes? Was my body getting too much protein for my size, despite their formula?

I didn’t change my workouts at all – well, wait, that’s a little bit of a lie. I actually tried to INCREASE the intensity of my workouts because Eat to Perform tells you by eating more, you will have more energy to get the most out of your workouts. I never experienced that energy boost in the slightest. And the kicker to the whole thing is, unless you buy into their program for the low price of $9.95, there is no way to talk with anyone who created to program, ask question, not even on their Facebook page and the hundreds of teaser articles they post. I tried to comment a few times, asking others for their experience and was told I could find out more if I paid.

So, I just quit. I was unhappy, uncomfortable, felt deprived and never looked back. I lost a couple of pounds within the first week and unfortunately, due to a stomach flu last week, am now back within 2 pounds of my goal weight. I now eat carbs and not feel like I want to kill myself. I haven’t had a protein shake in about 2 weeks and despite just investing in oh. . .about 60 of them, I’m not sure I will drink them much anymore. Maybe once in a great while after a really intense workout, like a boot camp class.

I don’t know what the magic formula is to weight loss – is it Weight Watchers, Fitbit tracking, Atkins, Paleo, gluten free? I think it’s different for everyone. It’s what you can live the rest of your LIFE doing, not just for a finite period of time. There is no goal you will reach and then you can just go back to what you were doing before. You do – and the weight will just come back.

I get it, we all change as we get older and to help myself with that aspect of my health, I have gone back on herbs that I was taking late last year and early this year, to help keep my metabolism on track and my hormones from fluctuating quite so much. But in the end, I will keep doing what I have always done to be healthy – watch my portion control, avoid the bad foods I can do without, eat the ones I can’t sparingly. I will keep walking and tracking my steps on Fitbit, I will keep trying new classes to keep workouts interesting, I even would like to give myself a new goal for 2016 to run a 5K before the end of the year. I have tried running before, with absolutely no success but I really want a new challenge and feel like this will give me something to shoot for. If I am finally able to run a mile continuously, for the 1st time in my life at 42, well, then I’ve achieved another, new fitness milestone.

I have stopped tracking my calories daily, for a time. If my weight starts to go back up again, I might do it again but it gets so tedious, doing it every single solitary day, it feels obsessive and ends up being all you think about. I think it’s very helpful when you are first starting to try and lose weight and change your lifestyle, to give you a better idea of what to shoot for, what a portion looks like, learn the nutritional information of what you are eating to make better choices. But I know all this, I have done it off and on for YEARS. I can tell you the serving size and calories by memory for almost any idea on the shelf in the grocery store. I just need to keep reminding myself to make good choices, but also not beat myself up so much when I don’t.

I won’t give up, I won’t give in, nothing is more important than how you feel, how active you are, how much you can move your body and how comfortable you are. I plan to hang onto that as long as humanly possible, making it as fun as I can in the process.

So, back to the drawing board in 2016. I hope you stick with me for the journey!

Week 6 has unceremoniously come and gone and again, it’s because I have no progress to report. My husband keeps asking me if I feel any different yet and so far, the only good news I have to report is that I am sleeping better. He says, that’s a step in the right direction so I can recover from my workouts and be better rested to push myself harder in my workouts. OK – I am TRYING, I swear but I feel like I have a few things working against me.

First, something I haven’t really brought up because it’s the most ridiculous injury known to man but I have hurt both of my big toes. I have no idea why but off and on, I get the worst ingrown toenails from my normal shoes that I have worn for years and years and never had any issues and they seem to hurt the worst after a really tough workout, particularly Crossfit. This has been plaguing me for about a month now and I keep thinking, WOW, I feel old! Washed up now at 42? I have heard older people complain about various aches and pains and have thought to myself, those sound like a lot of excuses and now, I find myself saying the same thing.

I haven’t been that diligent in taking care of it. I know there are things I can do like soak my feet, put hydrogen peroxide on it to keep it from getting infected (which I think it does slightly, from time to time, hence the off and on pain) but life keeps me pretty darn busy and I don’t take the time to do it. I am bordering on going to the doctor to have him take a look, to make sure there is nothing else I should be doing but honestly, not sure what he could really do for me.

Next, I worry that some of these diet changes could be affecting my health adversely. Things I have avoided for years – egg yolks, milk with fat in it, lots of cheese, higher fat meats, all because Eat to Perform says you need the optimum balance of protein, carbs and fat and I’m sorry, there is no good way to get it, get ENOUGH without adding all of these things. Of course, I realistically understand I haven’t given myself high cholesterol or heart disease in a month and a half but is this way of eating really “healthier”?

I must point out – Eat to Perform hasn’t specifically said to eat these things. In fact, like I mentioned in my last post, their main author says he eats mostly meat and veggies. OK, unless you are eating nothing but fish and chicken, you are going to get some higher fat meats in there, especially if that is your total diet. I just can’t eat like that – I need variety, I need choices every day to get the grams of protein, fat and carbs I need and I think I have found a lot of great, go to options. It just includes all of the things I mentioned above and also more nuts, especially almonds, protein shakes, drinks and bars and I keep searching for ways to add healthier meats like fish – tuna, salmon, etc.

All of these changes – increasing my calories, a different mix of calories and again, my weight and body fat hasn’t increased but it hasn’t decreased either and lower body fat is my goal. In all honesty, I haven’t changed my calories intake THAT much. My goal before was 1,400 a day, which I was always slightly over, depending on my workout for that day and right now, I am shooting for around 1,800 so realistically, only about 200-300 more calories a day than before but like a lot of these Eat to Perform articles talk about, I have been trained over the years to think in order to lose weight, I need to eat less and less. We all know that – you have to burn more calories than you take in, simple as that. Well, Eat to Perform complicates that, blurs that line by telling you your body isn’t getting the fuel it needs if you are just relying on trackers like Fitbit to tell you how many calories you burn each day. It doesn’t take into account step intensity, workout intensity, heart rate (though some trackers do offer this now), etc that can point to you burning more calories than you think.

I am trying to kick my workouts up a notch – pushing the mph on the treadmill, increasing the weight or reps in my free weight workout and even just increasing my weight workouts but so far – NOTHING. Here is how my weight has tracked for the year and it is frustrating to see that line just steadily climb. As we approach the holidays, I worry that this is just going to keep going higher.

SIGH. I am going to keep at it. 3 months puts me at December 31st, or there abouts and if nothing changes or I have gained more weight or body fat, this all goes out the window and go back to what I was doing before. Maybe I will treat myself and invest in a Fitbit Charge HR so I get a more accurate calorie burning count. I have had the Fitbit Flex for a year and a half now and it’s probably ready to be retired. Technology improves and changes and I am ready to change with it. I know, I know – I just need to keep telling myself do I feel fit, do I feel healthy, do I feel good and the answer to that right now is yes but I just have a tough time accepting this extra spare tire around my middle. THAT does NOT feel like me at all.

So, I plug on. On another note, for those waiting for a fashion update, my next Fix is set for Friday, December 11th. I will be posting an update on what I ask for and items I’ve seen that caught my eye soon!

I dine out – a lot. I don’t always make it a giant extravaganza, it may just be apps and a drink with friends, a sushi roll, a sandwich. But, being the foodie I am, more often than not, I want to try a LOT of things and last night was no exception.

I watch what I eat every day – track my calories, my grams of fat, protein and carbs and I stay within the limits as directed by Eat to Perform. I am usually a little low on my fat, a little high on my carbs or protein but very rarely by a lot. I drink a lot . . .OK, I’m not alcoholic but I like a drink with my meal or to unwind at the end of a long day. I have cut back to 4 or 5 nights a week and when I do, usually have just 1. Sweets are my enemy #1 and if I were doing anything to sabotage my efforts, I would guess I still eat too much sugar. I still stay within my carbs for the day when I have a little piece of cake, a couple of pieces of dark chocolate or that half a donut but I WILL eat it.

So, last night, I go out with a very good friend of mine, who hasn’t been out in a while and I want to really treat her (i.e. US). I want to breakdown what I ate for you to show you how quickly it all can add up, even when you are really trying to be careful:

Appetizers: I ordered the caprese salad, which is one of my favorite dishes. I could eat one every day. I track all of my calories through fitbit.com and a middle of the road caprese salad is 320 calories and I ate half of it so starting with 160 calories.

Next, my dining companion got the always delicious spinach and artichoke dip, which I think we all can agree, ain’t the best for you and can be even worse depending on the ratio of cheese to veggies. . .and this one was very cheese heavy. I only had 1 small piece of French bread (104 calories) with the dip on top, which I estimated at 197 calories and 17 grams of fat for a total of 300 calories for just one serving and this dish came with 8 pieces of bread and a giant bowl of dip.

Drink: To wash all of this down and to relax with my friend at the end of a VERY long work day, I ordered a plain, vodka martini with 3 small blue cheese stuffed olives – a total of 150 calories.

Entrée: I ordered the chicken marsala, to get my protein in and instead of pasta, got a side of red potatoes instead, which I would like to note – did NOT eat. A giant platter of 2 large chicken breasts comes out with tons of sauce and the potatoes under it and I only have half of one chicken breast. Looking up chicken marsala, I choose a 5 ounce serving, which may be a little high but I always err on the side of caution, for a total of 180 calories.

Dessert: I adore the gelato from this restaurant so I asked them to bring me just one small scoop of their vanilla salted caramel gelato. Only half a cup of this delicious stuff is 170 calories and I left a little in the bowl so giving myself a break and shaved a little off that to come up with 136 calories for my serving.

Anyone add all that up yet? A salad with mozzerela, tomatoes and basil, one piece of bread with spinach and artichoke dip, a martini, half a chicken breast and a tiny little cup of gelato? 998 calories!!! Almost 1,000 calories in one meal when I only get 1,800 calories in a day.

I was shocked when I got home and finally added it all up. I knew it was a lot of items but I thought I had done really good on my portions. How did I come in for the day on my food goals? Only about 200 calories over, which was made up mostly of extra fat and carbs.

*sigh* So, not a good day but you know what? When you are SO careful every other day, you feel like you should be able to splurge a little like that every once in a while. I think that’s the biggest problems with diets, eating plans, etc – the deprivation makes you feel like you are owed something you avoid because let’s face it, it just isn’t that good for you.

This guy who came up with Eat to Perform admits he almost exclusively eats meat and veggies. Hmmmm, is that really a good diet for someone to have SO little variety? Yet, I can’t help but keep wondering why this plan has been SO unsuccessful for me. Am my workouts not intense enough? Are my cheat days like this one I’ve described, too frequent? Or is my body just changing and making it tougher to get and keep weight off than it did before? I hate using that last one as an excuse – I’m a women, my hormones are crazy, I’m short, I’m 42. . .SO WHAT! That doesn’t mean I can’t keep at it, keep trying to stay as fit as possible, keep up my workouts and just do the best I can to put good things in my body. I may not be a meat and veggie eating machine, I may have this extra 5 pounds on my gut and ass that flat out REFUSES to budge but I do feel like I am doing the best I can and still have the life I want to live.

What about you???

EDIT: Ha ha – if you actually did the math above on my dinner, it doesn’t equal 1,000 calories because I forgot one item. I also got soup with my meal and picked Italian Wedding Soup, which isn’t particular high calorie or fat but it was a giant bowl! I only ate half of it, which added an additional 85 calories to my meal. THERE, I think that about does it.

Nope, nothing. I feel like a broken record here and one magical day, I am going to wake up and whatever is supposed to be happening on this program will have started. 5 weeks and we aren’t there yet. Here is the breakdown for ya:

Sunday, November 8th – Day of house work plus 30 minutes on treadmill at 3.4 mph (I was tired and just couldn’t go any faster). Total Daily Steps = 14,937

Should errands or house work count as exercise? Probably not but when you have a desk job like me, anything that gets you up and moving is a good thing. It isn’t specifically working on building any muscle but is still tiring, just the same.

I actually saw the scale hit the highest weight and the highest body fat I’ve had a in a long, long time so like I mentioned last week, I worry that this new program isn’t working. Eat to Perform posts at least 3 articles a day on their Facebook page but look out! Don’t try and ask them anything or tips from other users or people trying to same program because they want you to pay $9.95 a month for the training tips and meal plan. Not a huge expense, especially when you can just pay $50 for the whole year, if you do it at one time but I am just not ready to make that commitment yet.

First, I don’t plan to make working out my career. I am not looking to compete at Crossfit gyms, I don’t plan to run a marathon. Or a half marathon. Or even a 5K any time soon. I know I could do better on my eating (Halloween candy is ALMOST gone!) but compared to 90% of the population, I am guessing I do pretty damn good. I refuse to give up nights out with my friends, I refuse to give up certain foods as bad forever and Eat to Perform says you don’t have to do that. Hmmm…you definitely have to be doing SOMETHING different than what I am to get results or I would think I would have seen something by now.

I have been keeping my calories right around the target their calculator give me, working really hard to keep my protein grams up and even had a mini melt down in Costco when I ran out of my favorite protein shakes and the line was 6 people deep to get a membership with no end in sight. The point is – I’m trying.

So, I plug on but feel like I need to make some adjustments to make this work – I’m just not sure exactly what. I don’t feel like I have a tremendously more energy for my workouts than I did before, to push myself harder. In fact, when I went to my first boot camp class in about a month on Weds, I was hobbling around like a 90 year old woman for THREE DAYS, my ass and legs hurt so bad. The trainer said, oh the muscle soreness and fatigue just tells you it’s working. So, I’m supposed to feel like crap in order to be stronger in the long run? And what happens if I don’t keep this up? Does it all go to hell in a hand basket and I basically go right back to where I started if I am side lined with an illness or injury for a few weeks?

I don’t know – I will always work out regularly, I will always watch what I eat and try to make good choices but it is all about how far you are willing to go, how many changes you are willing to permanently make in your life to be as healthy as possible. Should I give up drinking alcohol altogether? Is that what’s holding me back – my 1 drink a day average? I wish I knew the magic formula but all I can do is keep at it and hope this body gets in gear soon.

I pulled out a pair of pants I hadn’t wore in a good 3 weeks this morning for work and I tell you what, I had a tough time buttoning them. They are on but definitely tighter than they were when I bought them a month or 2 ago. I guess that’s what frustrating me most of all? Am I actually hurting myself right now, rather than helping?

As I mentioned in my previous post, I have committed to trying this program for 3 full months. My husband is very health conscious, very physically fit and he claims that any big changes like this don’t happen overnight and it takes a while for your body to get used to it. OK, so 3 months will take me right until the end of 2015. A great place to make a new beginning if I need to.

Saturday, October 31st: 5K charity walk, finished in the blistering time of 1 hour and 20 minutes.

Sunday, Nov 1st – ANOTHER Break day

So, you can see – I only worked out 4 out of the last 7 days and didn’t get any weight workouts in, so not good. I did walk with weights on the treadmill, to try and add a little more resistance and increase the intensity but I have to be very careful doing that. If I push myself too hard, I find myself getting a little unsteady as I walk and the last thing I want to do is slip, fall and kill myself, a la Yahoo CEO’s husband. Not good.

I will keep posting my results once a week throughout this whole experience and as I come across new food ideas, I will share them too. As I also mentioned before, I am getting burned out on eggs and meat for my protein and am almost out of my protein shakes. I have been doing a little bit of research online to find some options with more natural ingredients and it is tough. I do not like the powder forms of shakes and smoothies, it has to be prepackaged and mixed for me to drink it, end of story. Hubby has already tried to sell me on mixing my own because then you have control over what ingredients go into it but I’m sorry, it just isn’t practical for me because I know I won’t do it. I need something I can just grab and go.

As soon as I get through this work week, I am going to try really hard to research meal recipes with the right mix of carb, fat and protein grams ahead of time so each week, all I have to do is go to my list and pick one to make each week. I know the holidays will be tough but luckily, most of the meals focus on meat and as long as you don’t overindulge on the sweets, there actually are a lot of things you can eat and see meet your goals.

Finally, I know one of my biggest downfalls will be alcohol. I love a glass of wine, a cocktail, a martini when hanging with friends and family and that just adds empty calories. As Eat to Perform maintains, you shouldn’t have to give up ANYTHING, just keep it in moderation but since you are only tracking fat, protein and carb grams and not necessarily calories, it is very easy to forget about those pesky alcohol calories. I am tracking everything on a spreadsheet, which includes a calorie overage or deficiency daily. I am shooting to be slightly under, if at all possible so I can still have a glass of wine and not feel guilty. However, I can’t do that at the expense of giving my body the fuel it needs for this to work. But, when will it work? What will be the magical tipping point when the body fat starts going down and I get stronger in my workouts? I honestly don’t know but I’m not there yet. I don’t feel like I have made too many compromises yet – I go out and dine with friends, I don’t work out every day but man, that protein goal is TOUGH.

So, I thought now that I’ve been following the Eat to Perform recommended eating program for a week now, I would check in with you and let you know how it’s going.

For a week now, I have been eating at least 1,800 -2,000 calories and at least 100 grams of protein. I gave myself 1 rest day to not track my calories and not worry so much about jamming protein in. I still was conscious of what I was eating but not so strict about it.

First thing I discovered, there is still plenty of room in this plan for carbs. I had a half a donut, I had cake, I had pizza, I had homemade apple crisp. . .but one thing this eating plan does NOT track is alcohol. Alcohol is a whole different group of calories – it isn’t a carb, a fat or a protein and right now, those are the only things I am monitoring so I have to be careful not to go too far over my calorie guidelines with too much alcohol. However, I can tell you in this past week, I have on at least 3 days for sure.

Second, as I mentioned before, it is tough to get enough good fats in there. I am working on that – I bought 1% and then 2% milk rather than skim this week, I bought 2% fat yogurt rather than nonfat and I am eating the whole egg now, rather than egg whites. I have also added more nuts, cheeses and hubby has jumped on the bandwagon grabbing locally made beef jerky and beef sticks at our local butcher.

I know, I know – all you want to know is, have I seen any results? Well, I am astonished that in just one week, I think I have!!

Weight change – Down 2.2 pounds

Body Fat change – Down .5%

OK, so the body fat hasn’t moved down too much just yet and while my goal isn’t to lose more weight, it is definitely coming down. I heard you have to reach a plateau before you gain a little weight back in muscle then the body fat will start to come down more. The most fun thing so far is – I AM EATING MORE!

Now, while I’m eating more, I definitely have been working out more too. Here is what my workout schedule looked like the past week:

Sun, Oct 4th – 2.5 mile walk

Mon, Oct 5th – 45 minute Pilates class

Tues, Oct 6th – Off

Weds, Oct 7th – 1 hour Boot Camp class

Thurs, Oct 8th – 2.5 mile walk

Fri, Oct 9th – 20 minutes of Crossfit and strength training

Sat, Oct 10th – 15,609 daily steps tailgating at a local college campus

Sun, Oct 11th – 7 mile bike ride, average speed, 10.9 mph

I have to keep in mind, yes, it has only been a week but I am hopeful since I appear to be moving in the right direction. Also, this plan is pretty easy, I can plan out almost my entire day of eating ahead of time to make sure I am going to hit my grams goals. Please let me also note – I HAVE worked out like this before. In fact, this has pretty much been my normal routine for years but I have NEVER seen results like this before! My husband is also quick to point out that he has been saying I’ve been eating too little for a long time. Strictly following MyFitnessPal or Fitbit calorie counters, I am usually right on the money but as Eat to Perform points out, those targets are WAY too low for someone who works out regularly. I am beginning to see the light!

Now, for week 2, I am leaving on vacation on Thursday and will be dining out a majority of the time. I may not track my meals but I think as long as I stick with making a protein source my main meal and add things here and there, I should be able to stay on track. Of course, I am going to have some amazing things available to me (i.e. Bloody Marys at brunch!) so I will definitely be splurging more than usual.

The other issue with be workouts – I won’t be exercising regularly on vacation but will do my best to keep myself moving. Get up and take a walk before we head out for our days, one day we have planned to go hiking in a local park, sightseeing, hopefully, it will add up. I told my hubby, we need to try and make it fun and maybe do a burpee challenge one day, just to mix it up. Note – he will totally kick my ass but at least it will be something to motivate me and push myself more than if I just did it on my own.

So, stay tuned to see how week 2 turns out and how my numbers change by then!