Bill O’Reilly Clarifies Al Qaeda Remarks

(As of October 2017 Bill O’Reilly has paid several women a total of about $50 million to drop sexual harassment claims against him. Would an innocent man lay out that kind of loot? Read how the tough guy sounded in 2005 below.)

Again, liberals are accusing me of being cruel and bigoted and having a dark heart. But those charges are insipid. Conservatives understand that. Bloodthirstiness is utterly unrelated to my declaration the armed forces shouldn’t defend San Francisco if Al Qaeda attacks since citizens of that sinful city voted to restrict military recruiting on campuses. I wasn’t really making a fatuous ideological statement. In fact I was crouching, opening wide, and firing my name onto the airwaves and through cyberspace and into your heads. I wanted some of you to agree with me. But not everyone. What I most need is a storm. Storms are news.

Hurricane O’Reilly is back again. That is essential. I am the top-rated ranter on cable TV. I didn’t get that spot being rational and reasonable. I got it poking a finger in your liberal eye or stroking your right wing hot spots. I love being on top. Everyone knows who I am. Everyone says did you hear what O’Reilly just said. Attention is addictive. It’s orgasmic. It’s also a magnet for big bucks. It will be as long as I’m outrageous.

TV and radio are not my only sources of wealth, of course. If you’re conservative, you know that. You’re probably even a Premium Member of my website, a status offering an astonishing array of attractions. Click and see. Pay me $4.95 a month or $49.95 a year and you will receive at least fourteen listed benefits. They include listening to my Radio Factor show live and digging into ninety days of Archives, Podcasting, posting on the Message Boards, receiving exclusive Webcasts, scanning the O’Quiz Archive, checking out the Bill Photo Album, examining the O’Reilly Poll Archive, emailing Bill directly, trying to solve the brain-busters in the Crossword Archive, and much more.

And then there’s The O’Reilly Store, a unique place to shop. You don’t need to be a Premium Member to buy here but it would save you about ten percent. I know you’ll want to load up on merchandise like Apparel, and Hats, and Bags & Totes, and Books, and Car & Truck accessories, and Home & Office supplies, and, naturally, Mugs. All political savants must buy Mugs. For $13.95 you can get a Mug emblazoned with No Spin Mom or Dad or Grandma or you can get one with my name on it.

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When you get back to your fortified home, I’m sure you’ll be carrying the $14.95 O’Reilly Factor Tote Bag laden with my literary classics “The O’Reilly Factor,” “The No Spin Zone,” “Who’s Looking Out for You,” “Those Who Trespass,” and “The O’Reilly Factor for Kids.” These epics can be yours for as little as $13.95 for a paperback. But don’t be a tightwad. Get the autographed and personalized hardbacks for $39.95. We also offer a Who’s Looking Out For You button three inches wide with my mug on it. “Pin it on your shirt or jacket with pride.”