There is way more to me than just a life with Cystic Fibrosis, but its a huge part of my life, it affects everything i can do! Somedays i hate CF others i just get on with it! This is my life, my story, the way i deal with CF and the way it affects me! So read with an open mind, don't judge me or feel sorry for me! i'm stronger than you think and i'll keep fighting till the very end!!

Monday, 27 August 2012

Natalie - Words can't do you justice, but this is my little tribute to you, 5years after you left us.

I've been trying to find the words today to say how much i miss you, but those words just don't even justify what its really like. You were and still are how i like to describe as our CF Princess. People say i'm cute and tiny but that's how i saw you, so cute and fragile i sometimes felt like if i were to hug you too hard i made break you. You were the heart and soul of every gathering, the girl that everyone was amazed by and truely blessed to know. (Trying to write this without crying). Your beautiful blonde hair which was always so perfect, your eyes that dazzled the world and showed you had so much love to give, so much you want to share out with your friends and family and that's why we all loved you so bloody much.

The day you left our world, free from pain and able to breathe was such a tragedy, no one ever expected you to go anywhere, least of all me, i know your fought to be here to the very last breathe and not for one second did you ever want to go. I really hope your safe and well and that u are having a bloody amazing time with ur family and all our CF friends, i hope you don't get told off up there for cross infecting each other. One day i know i'll be with you and you'll keep me safe and we'll be to party like we did here, inject vodka in our tummy tubes n get so drunk till we fall about laughing, cough n probably let out a little dribble of wee. ha ha!!

I'll never forget the night we made you laugh so much you actually did wet yourself and the bed!! ha ha xx

You know there was never anything bad anyone could ever say about you, n thats the truth, it's not what they'll say about me, but u were such an amazing friend i was so lucky to have you. Life with you was just simple, easy you knew me and how i felt and it was just a natural friendship.

I remember when i had just got with Steve and i got booted out the big fancy room so you could have it, i was not happy but then when you rang me and they said u might have that horrible bug that meant i could never see you again i broke down, luckily you didn't and we were soon back to causing trouble on the hospital wards. I loved been in hospital with you, everyday a mini little drama of our troublesome CF lives but everyday a little adventure of the mischief we could get up to, the notes we would send round between in each other in nurses n physio's pockets, the texts we would send when we had little visitors to our rooms and we were up to know good and needed to cover for each other!! Yes u know what i'm talking about Miss Buckley, although i'm def sure i spent more time covering for u, u were a naughty little one!! hee hee! Hey u been gone 5 years now its time to let the little secret out (i can here u screaming at me for that one now as i'm typing). But hey we had fun and we never let been in hospital ruin our fun.

Its 9.30pm and this day is almost over for another year, its not like i don't think of you all time, but this bank hol like every year before i relive every second of what happened. I know everyone else does too, u left a huge whole in everyone hearts that now only filled with memories and sadness that your not here to make more with.

I wanted to write this last night but i wasn't in the right head space, i was tired after that shopping spree tribute day i had with gem and steph for you. I miss how you shopped in the kids section with me! Now its just me running round in the aged 11/12 clothes from new look, kids of got way more fashionable these days u would of loved it and i'm sure you would of loved my discount at accessorize too.

I bet ur pretty busy up in heaven u have so many people to be a guardian angel of, but feel free to come see me, make a noise, knock something off, not anything i have to clean up though, u know i hate cleaning, but i know sometimes i think of you and you make me feel strong, i wish i had you too talk to, i know you probably would of done me a favour and told that silly husband of mine how stupid he been loosing me, he probably would of been quite scared of you (ha ha) xx So cute n tiny but boy you were fiesty, i loved everything about you, u were true, honest and definately spoke your mind. If i can be anything like you as a friend to people i would be so proud. (bloody crying now you softy).

So i guess it's time to put on the song i been hoping to avoid all day. Christ the song kills me, i hate the fact your not here, 5 years on the days get easier, the pain hurts a little less but i still miss you.

Stay safe sweetie, breathe easy every moment of everyday and none of us will ever forget that you were apart of our world.

I love you so much!! :) xxx

Until we meet again, n u had better be there waiting for me, although its gonna be a bloody long wait, cuz i fight for the both of us now!

Thursday, 2 August 2012

Ok i'm sitting on my sofa, snuggled under blanket with a cuppa, tissues, paracetamol and the olympics on. I'm so loving the olympics, my favourite sport surprising has been the rowing, i love waking up n flicking it on, not that u ever gonna catch me rowing, one row n my arms would want drop off. Struggling bit this morning, chest feels mega clogged, i''m tired and my head feels little messed up. So when i need to clear my head this is where i come. Once i've cleared my head, i'm gonna go clear my chest big time n then maybe clear up my bedroom, i been a messy pup last few weeks purely because i've not been in much.

I had a brilliant few weeks, i've got a few amazing friends who are keeping me strong and more importantly making me laugh, i honestly don't remember the girl who laughed like this, i have laughed so hard my stomach has hurt tears n i've ended up in huge coughing, n well they say laughter is the best medicine n well u girls u truely are my medicine at the moment. I always thought of my self as the serious kinda friend, the girl who pops round for a cuppa n has a chat n goes again, i think i've always been someone that people can talk to but not someone u'd rely on to cheer u up n make u laugh. One of my friends actually said u can tell the difference in me, i look alot happier lately. N u know what i am. I actually love how no matter what the situation i can always rely on them to find something funny about it and away to make me laugh!

I still have my days when my head screwed n i'm over thinking things way too much! But hey i'm still only human, i wish i could actually just curl up n go sleep sometimes to shut my head down, but i've never been one to sleep in the daytime, not even when i'm ill can i sleep. Instead i just over think n get teary. When i think i bout my marriage n steve i just feel incredibly sad, i had everything i ever wanted once, someone to love me, make me feel safe and make me happy, but we didn't work, in the end i think we actually didn't really have that much in common, maybe we changed too much, we were always happy together but led very separate lives outside the house. He never would spend time with me and my friends and family, so i always saw them alone and when he did, i'd have to drag him n he would be such a miserable arse i'd wish i'd left him at home. N he knows it was true, i don't want that again i want someone who's gonna be proud to go places with me, who will like my friends n who will make an effort to get to know them, i know everyone can't like everyone, trust me there a lot of people in this world who i would struggle to make the effort with but just someone who tries.

I actually feel so much better about the life i had with steve, i know we don't work and i know we happier apart, all i want is us to be friends, still feel like i can text, call and know he's there. Its hard to think of a life with out him in it, but i think i now find i'm actually OK with thinking about a life without him being my husband.

I'm not scared of love, i'm not scared of being hurt, what i am scared of is being on my own forever. What i miss is that feeling of knowing (pause for the tears trickling). "deep breath" What i miss is that feeling of knowing u have someone in ur life u can go home to who loves you no matter what, who when ur feeling happy is happy for you, when ur feeling sad, puts there arms round you and when u feeling so stupidly in love with someone u know they feel that too.

Sometimes i scare myself with how honest i can be writing this blog, it started off as life about my CF, CF used to take over my life and it was all i had to write about. Now my health is so much better, me, the married me, the girl this time last year didn't really have a great life, i'd drag my little ass out of bed feeling horrendous, cough my head off whilst having a huge coughing fit, sit down with breaky n be lucky to make it to work on time, i'd work, coughing, feeling ill n exhausted n then the girls would ask me at end my shift if i was doing anything, n i'd be excited at the thought of going home sitting on sofa with a cuppa n watching tv n going to bed at half 9. It wasn't a life i was ready for, but it was a life that maybe because i was so unhappy i led.

Now well i still have to drag my little arse out of bed (but thats cuz i'm out all time n go bed late), i get up, i do my nebs most days, i have breaky without a nasty coughing fit to exhaust me, n i get ready for work n most days i actually make an effort because i actually have the energy too. I do have a lot more confidence in myself, i still remember where i came from, u know if u went school with me or saw the photos i was an ugly little duckling, n now well i'm a beautiful little swan.

This last week i been feeling bit chesty, sometimes with CF u get that feeling u just need a little boost, for me i think i probably actually need a wee little rest, but i'm loving my life too much for that, but i do know i gotta slow down a little, out on a tuesday night till 4am n then work at 12, joey does need more sleep, although this morning i feel lots better! I was in London for the weekend n went to Thorpe Park with my brother and then we had centre court tickets at Wimbledon for first day of the olympics, we saw Serena Williams n Federer which was brilliant. but the best game for me was was watching the young british girl, the atmosphere was amazing.

I'm going back to london in a few weeks time for my girl Sophie Gannon 1yr transplant party, today 1 year ago her mummy was told there was nothing more they could do, her mum fought for her, n Harefield and an amzing Donor saved her life. Now a year on she's still here, she's amazing and i can't wait too go down and see her again.

Its also a year since i think i actually knew my marriage was over, so i've been dealing with this for a long time. N now i wanna move forward with my life, i feel ready, but i don't ever want to forget the past and i don't wanna cry anymore.

Who knows if i'll ever find someone again, someone who will love me n accept everything about me. But i have a good life now, i have amazing people around me, my friends n family mean the world too me and who really look out for me and i know they'll always be there.

N u know what i feel good now, writing this really helps, so i'm gonna go do my nebs and kick some CF ass today at clinic then meet my lovely sister in law for tea.

I love each n every one of u in my life, i love how special u make me feel and i thank u each n everyday for helping me through my life xxxxx :)