Barbra Streisand is working on a top secret follow up to “Yentl,” in which Yentl becomes a militant vegan. It’s called “Lentil.”

According to the National Security Agency’s (NSA) website, its mission is to:

Gather information that America's adversaries wish to keep secret.

Protect America's vital national security information and systems from theft or damage by others.

So, it’s basically Rambo. But an agency.

Here’s a sampling from the NSA’s top secret Jewish Celebrity Division.

The NSA, says its site, helps save lives, defend vital networks, and advance our nation's goals and alliances, while strictly protecting privacy rights guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution and laws.

What’s not to like? Enter one Edward Snowden, who revealed that between February 8th and March 8th of 2013, the NSA collected about 124.8 billion telephone data items and 97.1 billion computer data items throughout the world, including in Germany, United Kingdom and France. The NSA also made 70.3 million recordings of French citizens' telephone data from 10 December 2012 to 8 January 2013.

But what does all this have to do with Jews, I hear some of you asking? (I have very good hearing – even better than the NSA)

Well, as long as you brought it up, and thanks to my ex-girlfriend Sarah, who works in the NSA’s Jewish Celebrity Division, here is a sampling of the secrets the agency has uncovered in the name of saving lives, defending networks and protecting privacy rights:

Daniel Day-Lewis

NSA research has revealed that Oscar winner Daniel Day-Lewis has a Jewish mother, although in a 2002 interview he identified as Agnostic. When his poor mother heard that, she exclaimed, “Agnostic? Over my left foot, mister high and mighty Lincoln! I’d rather be butchered by the gangs of New York than hear you go on like this. Keep up this ‘agnostic’ nonsense and mark my words, there will be blood!” Day-Lewis was last seen hiding from his mother in a room with a view.

Howard Stern

Apparently, shock jock Howard Stern’s shtick is just an act. According to the NSA’s surveillance, the real Howard Stern is as far from his show biz persona as the Democrats and Republicans in Congress are from agreeing on Obamacare. At home, Stern spends most of his down-time sipping Chamomile tea, playing chess and reading Elizabethan poetry. He cries openly and unashamedly at endangered species shows on the Animal Planet network. He also opens his home to hosting fundraisers for Republican Congressional candidates.

Barbra Streisand

The iconic singer/actress/director/political activist was recorded by the NSA actually saying to her husband, “Frankly, people who need people are the most annoying people in the world.” It was also found that Streisand’s long-time secret project, still in progress, is an update of her “Yentl” movie, in which Yentl becomes a militant vegan. It’s called “Lentil.” Finally, Streisand’s next musical recording proves her timeless appeal and efforts to stay current. It will be a politically left-leaning hip-hop album including the songs, “The Way We Be,” “Dope Days Are Here Again,” and “You Don’t Bring Me Cornbread.”

Daniel Radcliffe

A shocking report from the NSA reveals that, unlike most movie stars who go out of their way not to be typecast as their most famous role, Daniel Radcliffe embraces his part as Harry Potter in the eight or so movies in which he played that title character. A sign on his front door reads Hogwarts Home of Witchcraft and Wizardry. One on his bedroom door reads Chamber of Secrets. His drinking glass is labeled Goblet of Fire. And he’s named his dogs Ron, Hermione and Voldemort. If the script found on his desk is any indication, he is currently preparing for a Broadway appearance in a play titled, “Harry Potter is Hamlet.”

Neil Diamond

The most shocking revelation uncovered by the NSA was the fact that Diamond was a failed songwriter for many years before attaining success with his hits—and that those hits were actually revised versions of his unsuccessful earlier songs. For example, one of Diamond’s first songs not to have sold was, “You Don’t Bring Me Blintzes.” He just couldn’t get anyone excited about his “Girl, You’ll Be a Trucker Soon.” Diamond over-estimated the appeal of the apparently too-ethnic “Song Sung Jew.” Record companies found his “My Mother in Blue Jeans” to be a tad creepy. “New Jersey Woman” apparently wasn’t the right state. And something was just slightly off on “Thank the Lord for the Mai Tai.”

Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Would it surprise you to learn that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg relaxes by reading romance novels while drinking Jack Daniels whiskey? That she was once Tupperwear’s most successful salesperson? That she knows the lyrics to every Rolling Stones song by heart? That she was once ejected from a Grateful Dead concert for refusing to stop screaming out, “I love you, Jerry!” in the middle of the band’s songs? That she delivers her judicial opinions in Yiddish, which is then translated for the other justices—except for Clarence Thomas, who is fluent in Yiddish, too? Well, none of it surprised the NSA, which has heard it all over the years.

Mark Zuckerberg

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been targeted for years by the NSA, which has uncovered several eyebrow-raising future plans for the popular social media outlet. In the near future, male members of Facebook will be able to receive colonoscopies on the site simply be standing close to the screen and activating Facebook’s proprietary colonoscopy laser beam. Similarly, with a new, state-of-the-art scanning attachment, Facebook users will be able to scan their new romantic partners while they sleep, and 24 hours later receive a report letting them know if there is long-term potential to the relationship.

Art Garfunkel

Whenever a celebrity seemingly drops out of site, that’s an immediate red flag for the NSA. Garfunkel’s former partner, Paul Simon, has been quite high-profile over the years, but when was the last time you heard anything about Art Garfunkel? Thanks to recent NSA surveillance, however, we can now be absolutely certain that Garfunkel: 1) is not linked to any terrorist activities. 2) has spent the years since breaking up with Simon trying to find a new singing partner. Sadly, things did not work out for him with Joe Cocker, Aretha Franklin, Justin Bieber, Stevie Wonder, or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. 3) the hair straightening experiment was a complete disaster.

Related Articles:

About the Author

Mark Miller is a comedy writer who has performed stand-up comedy in nightclubs and on TV, written on numerous sit-com staffs, been a humor columnist for the Los Angeles Times Syndicate and is a current humor blogger for The Huffington Post. His first book, a collection of his humor essays on dating and romance, was published by Skyhorse Publishing on February 3rd of 2015. Its title: 500 Dates: Dispatches From the Front Lines of the Online Dating Wars. But he says he’d trade all his success away in a minute for immortality, inner peace and limitless wealth. Follow his website/blog at: http://www.markmillerhumorist.com/. And he can be reached at: mark.writer@gmail.com

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...