‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Why Is Bria In Charge? Betches

How do you do, fellow kids? Welcome back for another beautiful week of watching degenerates that MTV found passed out on a public bathroom floor make fools of themselves on TV. Look, I know I’m hard on these guys, but I will say that it is nice to break up my string of Dick Wolf shows with this train wreck. There’s only so much child murder I can watch before I need a little drunken debauchery palette cleanser, am I right? And on that note, let’s begin!

Right away we are reminded that Lewis told Asia that he’s not attracted to her. She declares she’s done with him, but she hadn’t previously gotten any of his not-so-subtle hints (aka having another girl suck his d*ck) that he wasn’t that into her, so who can say if this will stick, really?

In all seriousness though, I feel bad for both of them. Asia obviously liked Lewis so it sucks to hear that someone isn’t attracted to you, NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW. And Lewis was actually pretty straight-up with Asia AND was still trying to get to know her in case she was his match, even though she physically makes him about as excited as stale rye bread. Damn, if there weren’t nine other people still there for each of them to bang, I’d be feeling real depressed right about now.

Okay Cali calling herself a “power couple” right now with a dude that couldn’t even get it up for her and is wearing the same ripped skinny jeans I got at Anthropologie last week is KILLING ME. This is apparently enough for us, ladies. I swear 2018 gave us all lobotomies.

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Over in the pool, Brett is still mourning the loss of what could have been with Cali.

Brett: I’m so sad about CaliBrett to Nutsa:

Back on the couch, Zak, Morgan, and Morgan’s rogue weave are making out. But apparently this is too “boring” for Zak, who prefers drama in a relationship. You know what, let the boy have his drama, I say! Let him be verbally assaulted. Let him get 175 drunken late night phone calls. Let him be strangled slowly in what Bria will later claim was a consensual sexual encounter. It’s what he deserves. And then at least this dumbass will finally be out of my face.

And like the bottom-feeding leech she is, Bria notices Zak’s “boredom” and decides to stir the pot. TBH I would think this was all pretty hilarious if I wasn’t so sure that this was going to turn into an episode of Snapped. It’s all fun and games until someone’s house gets burned to the ground.

Over on the floor full of mattresses, Nutsa and Brett decide to finally relieve the sexual tension by hooking up next to Jasmine’s head. Which is the most action she’s gotten since that Tevin paint night, so I’m sure she’s not complaining.

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We’ve made it to morning and Asia is making what looks like delicious cinnamon rolls. Lewis! Get her back while you can! Do you really need to be sexually attracted to someone, or can you take the good stuff from a relationship and ignore the rest? If Melania can do it, so can you!

In the bathroom, Nutsa reveals to Jasmine that she sucked Brett’s d*ck last night and like, duh she already knows, Nutsa. You got a little spit in her hair. Nutsa is very proud of herself and thinks that they should all be sucking more d*ck on this show. I’m sure the men would not disagree.

Papa T enters the building and reminds our contestants that they are about as good at this game as my CEO is at not commenting on female employees’ “figures”. He has decided that they’re going to switch up they way they pick dates YET AGAIN because no one at MTV thought out how terribly f*cking insane this fate button idea was and now they’re trying to backtrack as much as possible without admitting they were doing lines of coke during the pre-show meetings. So today fate will choose the women, and then the women will choose the men. Can they choose mozzarella sticks instead? Asking for a friend.

Fate chooses Nutsa and Bria, and somehow Bria convinces everyone that Brett and Zak should go on the date with them. Damn! The devil works hard, but Bria works harder. Meanwhile, Brett is freaking out and telling Asia he doesn’t think Nutsa is his match and to “get the house under control.” GREAT, BRETT. That’s Information that would have been useful to them YESTERDAY.

It also seems they got one over on Papa Terry who I expected to be VERY disappointed in this manipulation, but he seems to have no idea what’s going on. The showrunners must have passed him some of their drugs.

Our crew is canoeing on the date, and Nutsa likes it because it was so beautiful and romantic in The Notebook. You know, the movie where they both die in the end. Oh sorry, was that a spoiler?!

Just leaving this here to remind you that NONE of these dudes will ever be Ryan Gosling. And don’t you forget it, Zak.

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On the date, Nutsa and Zak break off on their own to chat, but then SOMEHOW Bria and Zak get to hang out as well. Where did Brett go? Did they make him stay in the canoe and think about what he’s done? Bria and Zak start making out. Ya know, I used to wonder what Zak saw in Bria, but now I don’t anymore. I’ve decided I don’t think Zak sees anything in anyone. I think if a wall tried to make out with him he would do it. Until he decided that wall was too drama-free for him and the other wall started giving him the eye so he went to make out with that one. AND SO ON AND SO ON UNTIL WE ALL DIE.

Finally Brett gets some time to hang out with Nutsa and he uses it to tell her he thinks she’s hot but not deep. Maybe you just weren’t listening while you sprayed champagne on her tits, huh Brett? Anyways, Nutsa decides to open up to Brett a lot and tells him that her parents came over when she was 12 and sacrificed everything for her. She doesn’t say where they came from, but I can only imagine it was Whoville.

Back at the house Papa T asks how the date was. Brett and Nutsa are glowing and now everyone at the house is pissed because he told them not to put them in the truth booth together. And it looks like his subterfuge worked, because the house picked Nutsa and Zak to go in the truth booth.

Zak and Nutsa are not a match! How long until the mob kills Brett? 30 seconds, you think?

Okay so it has officially become the week in the show where someone decides they need to go week by week and figure out who sat together. A tip for next season’s cast: why don’t you start this strategy as soon as you get there? Just spitballing ideas here!

The next day Cali gathers the crew around and tells them her strategy. She basically suggests splitting up the “power couples” to see who the beams really were. Again, I love that they continue to call themselves “power couples” as if they are Beyoncé and Ja- Z and not just two drunks from Florida with GED’s.

We’ve made it to the match-up ceremony and it’s the guys’ week to choose. Let’s see how this one goes.

Brett chooses Nutsa

Daniel chooses Samantha

Tevin chooses Kenya

Andrew chooses Lauren

Papa T calls Zak down and asks him how the date went with Bria. Zak, you might as well just cut off your own balls now, because if you answer this question someone’s gonna do it. Like the dummy he is, Zak admits he made out with Bria and honestly he’s just lucky that Morgan doesn’t carry around a rusty spoon in that crop top. Because then he picks her as his match. Such a lucky girl!!

It’s at this point in the match-up ceremony that Cali proudly declares there’s a strategy to this madness, and Terry is not pleased. He doesn’t want them to use strategy, he wants them to play with their hearts! I don’t know why he keeps saying this. They are playing with their hearts! They’re just at a disadvantage because their hearts are weighed down by tequila. Tequila hearts are dumb hearts.

Lewis picks Bria

Moe picks Jasmine

Kwasi picks Asia

Cam picks Cali

Tomas picks Kayla

Now it’s time to see how many beams they get and Papa Terry reminds them if they’re right they could win One! Million! Dollars! That’s cute, T. But they won’t get this right and they’re never winning a million dollars. And if they do, it’s actually a million dollars divided by 22 divided by taxes divided by whatever they owe their drug dealers. They’ll have enough left for a pack of gum. Moving on!

And the crew gets one beam! And then they leave us on that cliffhanger, because it’s not bad enough that I just ate all the chocolate chip cookies left in my cabinet on what my enemies are calling national boyfriend day, but now I have to wait to see if Cam and Kayla will get to be together forever. Papa Terry, can you PLEASE give MTV a stern lecture for me? See you all next week!

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