Sex and the Long-Distance Relationship

February 12, 2019Dr. Stephanie Buehler

Sex and the Long-Distance Relationship

Long-distance relationships pose a variety of interesting
challenges.People who choose to be in
this type of relationship need to be able to switch back and forth easily
between being independent and being greatly intimate.It can become quite a roller coaster that at
first is quite exciting.Couples in long
distance relationships often talk about the heightened desire that being apart
can create for them.Being a little bit
starved for sexual contact can make having sex that much more exciting when the
couple gets together after a couple of weeks or months.

A quick Internet search on “sex and long-distance
relationships” glamorizes these relationships, like an article in Cosmopolitan that suggests that for
long-distance lovers, “Physical sex is like a rare and beautiful diamond to
you: Every time you touch it’s special and sparkly.”

Well, yes, I think we can all understand how absence makes
the heart (and other body parts) fonder.What I’ve seen in my practice, however, are couples that find out they
have sexual problems when they are finally living in the same place or have
decided to move in together.Here are
some examples of couples sometimes learn:

·They have really different sex drives.While the relationship was long-distance,
they had to have sex when they were together, or they’d have to go without for
awhile.That meant it didn’t matter much
if one partner wanted sex more than the other; both partners were going to get
their needs met.Once they are together,
however, they don’t have the same incentive or even the same “sparkly” drive to
have sex.This can take some of the
sparkle away from the relationship and leave one or both partners disappointed.

·Sometimes one partner has been faking
orgasms.For example, a man might have
delayed ejaculation, but his partner would never know because they only have
had sex a dozen times and he was able to somehow hide this fact.Now that they are having sex more frequently,
a problem like this can become a little more obvious and even troubling.

·When two people get together over the course of
a long-distance relationship, it isn’t unusual to treat their time together
like a celebration, complete with lots of alcohol.Once they move in together, one or both may
find that they don’t really want to drink as much, maybe because they have to
live real life now.Suddenly, sex isn’t nearly
as fun, and some couples feel weird when they have “sober sex”.

·Conversely, sometimes one partner feels a great
deal of pressure to perform when they get together after being apart for some
period of time.Especially for men who experience
ED in such scenarios, the problem sends them into a mental tailspin.In the belief that being in the same city
will cure the problem, the couple may move to be together.Unfortunately, this may only put even more
pressure on the male partner to figure things out—with upsetting consequences.

If a couple finds that they have sexual issues while the distance
relationship is on-going, this can be difficult as well.Sexual differences or problems are hard
enough to talk about face-to-face, let alone over phone or Skype.I have had couples come to see me while they
are both in town just to work things out.

If you are working with an individual or couple in a long-distance
relationship, don’t forget to ask about their sex life, or to help them develop
a realistic idea of how sex might change once they are together.Discuss performance anxiety and suggest some
ways to calm down, such as mindfulness.Perhaps they can do sensate focus type activities together on the first
day they meet, and let other sexual activities develop organically.If the couple has moved in together and they
have discovered sexual issues, treat them as you would any other couple,
keeping in mind the kinds of things they may have experienced while apart.