I have
submitted restaurant reviews to this newspaper for 24 years and have
eaten more meals than I can count but I have never come across
anything like “the Rules”, not in any respect at all. Why I am
submitting this review for your consideration? Because, awesome.

I must
suppose it is a restaurant, as it serves food, although sometimes
patrons are asked to leave before they eat any food at all. They
also charge for the food they serve, although sometimes they charge
nothing at all and if patrons ask questions about the single slip of
paper they get with a single number on it as their “bill” they are
then given an itemized list for food and services that totals
considerably more than the initial amount on the flimsy slip of
paper unceremoniously presented either at the end of their meal or
at the end of the time the proprietors want them in their
establishment. But there is so much about this place that makes it
not like a restaurant and more like, well, a visit to an art
house.

“The
Rules” bills itself as “the Rules: the most interesting restaurant
in the world” and this seems apropos, as it may be, in the end, more
of a curiosity or outright entertainment experience than a
restaurant. For certain it is not at all typical of anything else
that bills itself or can be described as a restaurant or café or
bistro. And what exactly makes it the “most interesting”? Well,
what doesn’t? (More on this in a moment.)

This establishment appears on our scene with
the backing of a few names unknown in the world of fine dining.
‘Bill and Phil’, as they prefer to be known, give out little more
information about themselves nor about a rather mysterious dark,
exquisitely dressed, male figure who looks about the rooms and
whispers to Bill or Phil from time to time, but to no one else.
More is known of the master chefs who are responsible for the
cuisine that is extraordinary in more ways than heretofore known.
Something mightily attractive needed to be offered to these three
superstars to secure their participation in the event or attraction
or show that is “the Rules”. Romero Alonzo left his own Casa de
Italia, as did Brendan Gill abandon his own top rated Nuovo Cuisine
on the tony north side of town and add to that seriously impressive
duo one, Suzuki Matoromuru, who left his Orient Mystique where he
practiced his own culinary artistry to the delight of his
considerable following. These three furnish the allure of “the
Rules” and they do not disappoint when the meals are served, and in
whatever order the chefs so deem appropriate for that evening. One
must not assume too much and anticipate nothing when approaching
“the Rules”. One learns quickly not to assume anything ordinary
and, of course, not to question anything at all at or about “the
Rules”, lest the invitation to leave the premises be unceremoniously
presented by management.

The RULES:

While
there are no postings to alert possible patrons of any rules that
are operative with this establishment there appear to be rules which
if violated will lead to the immediate denial of service to any
offenders of the proprietors’ “rules” or whims or fancy of the day
or moment. Potential diners may be denied a reservation for
violations of unwritten rules or at their arrival turned away for
some transgression of unspoken regulations. There are reports of
diners being asked to leave in the middle of what would be their
dinner, although in such cases there are no bills presented to them
for whatever they may have consumed before the offense that
precipitated their invitation to leave the premises immediately and
with all due haste.

The
invocation of the “the Rules” can be implemented with nuance or with
blunt force and by the reservationist, receptionist, manager,
server, busboy, even the valets and, of course, by Bill or Phil!

What is
known about “the Rules” is gleaned from scant posting on social
networks and rare word of mouth reports from those who were able to
secure a seating and were actually served a meal. It appears to
speak about the “Rules” is to violate one of the innumerable rules.

What
follows is a necessarily incomplete listing, as the number of rules
may be increasing with time. It is also just a rough sketch as there
is no discussing of the “rules” with their authors and no
confirmation from them. What little we know we glean from those who
dare risk breaking a rule and report their experience with “the
Rules” on social networks or, by word of mouth, sending the
information into the realm of urban legends and myths.

·No attempts to secure a reservation through reference to
status or relations.[One local television celebrity of sorts,
due more to notoriety than accomplishments, has reported on his show
, with thorough indignation, that several times he attempted a
reservation using his name only to be informed that there would be
no table available for him. It is thought that this brought
favorable attention to “the Rules” for potential diners who
disliked the pretentious celeb and thought how great to dine where
he could not.]

·No questioning of the bill.

·No ordering of any food. Food allergies may be made known
when the request for them is made by the wait staff.

·No expressions of appreciation for the meals.

·No request for specific tables.[One young woman,
when being led to her table, expressed a desire to be seated at a
location other than that to which she was being led and was abruptly
informed that there were no tables available and her reservation
could not be honored and was led to the exit.]

·No request for specific wine by type or vintage or
chateau. [A diner who fancied himself something of an
oenophile merely mentioned what he thought would be a good match for
an entre item and that was placed before him and then the wait staff
removed the item from his place and all those dining with him and
were told that the meal was over.]

·No request for the various courses of a meal to be served
in any specific order.[A would be diner was seated and at the
start of the meal was being served what appeared to be a desert. He
expressed shock and displeasure and was informed that indeed a
mistake was made in seating him and his party and that he would no
longer be served and he and his entire dining party were asked to
leave.]

·Cash only and be prepared for a large total bill ranging
up to 5 times what you would normally expect and down to perhaps
nothing at all.[A father who took his wife and two children
to “the Rules” was pleasantly surprised when presented with the
“bill” at the end of a sumptuous repast for which he was grateful
and prepared to pay a goodly sum instead saw the large numeral “0”
and a note , “thank you for letting us serve you and your family.”]

·No speaking about the meal with the staff.[A
frequent diner upon his second visit to “the Rules” mentioned
several of the items of his previous meal to the waiter and was then
asked to leave before being served anything at all. His companion
left with him.]

·No questioning of the meals as to the ingredients or
preparation. [See above.]

·No late arrivals. [One party of seasoned
diners arrived 12 minutes after their reservation time and
within what was thought to be the traditional but presumed
margin for arrivals and the holding of a table only to be
informed at the door that they no longer had a table and would
need to make another reservation for another day.]

·No early arrivals. [One young couple,
so delighted that they scored a reservation after several failed
attempts, arrived 20 minutes early thinking they would spend a
few minutes at the bar waiting for their table (There is NO BAR
at “the Rules”)and were informed that they would not be seated
and not seated at all on that evening but they could make a
reservation for another date.]

·No loud voices about anything at any time inside of
“the Rules”. [There are several reports on social media
of diners being informed that their meal was concluded and that
they should leave immediately when they could only surmise that
their raised voices was the precipitating factor for their
ejection.]

·No small children. [A young couple made
a reservation for three and when they arrived at “the Rules” the
hostess at the door inquired as to whether all members of their
party were present, they answered “Yes.” They report that she
then glowered at the child and informed them that there would be
no table for them, as they had a small child with them.]

·No photographs or video of anything or anyone, ever
[A woman was invited to leave the restaurant and take her
entire dinner party with her when she could not resist taking a
smart phone photo of the appetizer dish.]

While
reservations are a necessity there is nothing to guarantee receiving
such nor any manner in which to improve the likelihood of securing
such. From what is posted and spread about, mainly by those denied
a reservation, scoring a seat at “the Rules” is a victory in and of
itself and worthy of proclamation and boast, although what was done
to bring about the desired result may be entirely unfathomable.

Patience
is advised and frequent attempts may bring a seating. It appears
that “the Rules” is either booked for a month in advance or simply
denying reservations making it appear so. Patrons do report there
were no empty seats when they were being served their delights and
their were none when we dined there.

PARKING:

Simply
put: it is better to arrive by foot. While there is ample valet
parking for all patrons of “the Rules”, however and nonetheless,
perhaps to be sure, the safest course of action is to arrive at “the
Rules” on foot. This would be to avoid the distinct possibility
that after your meal the valets will provide you with an automobile
other than the one which you left with them. Fair warning: upon
arrival when you leave your vehicle with the valets you sign an
agreement that you will accept any vehicle in exchange for your own
which the valets may deem more suitable for you. [One
diner arrived with three companions in a Porsche SUV. After the
meal the valet presented him with a Ford pickup truck to drive home.
Another reported his Lexus replaced with a BMW 750.]
This aspect of “the Rules” alone might be a
“deal breaker” or sufficient dissuasion for nearly all would be
diners but on top of the other oddities it is simply a wonder of
wonders that there are reports of so many folks actually
disappointed over not obtaining their own reservations to an
establishment or operation such as found at “the Rules.”.

SERVICE:

“Impeccable” and “over the top” are not ill suited to describe the
service at “the Rules”. As long as one does not violate any of “the
Rules” you and your party will be treated as royalty are when they
dine. We certainly were and I detected no awareness or care on their
part that we may have been there to compose a formal review of “the
Rules” for publication. It is unlikely that many diners will have
experienced any the like as what they will enjoy there, let along
superior to the service at “the Rules”. There is a server dedicated
to each table and attention to detail is extreme. As there is
little for any diner to say or ask for or about that will not cause
an immediate ejection there is the impossibility of disappointment
over requests unfulfilled. Instead, those who subject themselves to
“the Rules” in the first place will have placed themselves into a
role of passive recipient without question and will be pleased with
the result. Suffice it to say that anyone disappointed by the
service is likely to have an unreasonable set of expectations for
how diners are ever to be treated. It is also possible that a good
number of diners will be educated as to the finer aspects of formal
dining with which they may not be familiar. This makes dining at
“the Rules” a bit of an educational experience.

The SPACE:

The
renovations of this space were total as it was previously a Borders
bookstore. Both the exterior and interior were renovated to create
one of the most intimate and comfortable dining spaces you will
likely ever enjoy. It is enough to bring back the use of tres chic
as an assessment and description. If “the Rules” were to admit
reporters or critics, which is doubtful, there might be mention or two in Architectural Digest or other such publications that
recognize new, unique and stylish design.

The Ambience

Well,
suffice it to say that, once a diner gets past the edginess of
tension concerning the real possibility of immediate removal from
the premises and settles in to focus on the culinary art and the
entertainment offered by the delightful service, the mood can be one
associated with an encounter with luxury not often found with a
restaurant or anywhere else. Somehow one feels as if at a spa
with the comfort of a massage and at the same time having all
delights of the palette being thoroughly cared for and then some.

MENU:

One is at
a loss to describe the wonders served at just the one meal observed
by this reviewer, who has (as previously noted) eaten hundreds of
meals in order to render expert opinion about them.

Romero
Alonzo, Brendan Gill and Suzuki Matoromuru prepare the most
extraordinary items and serve them in extraordinary manners.
Ordinary reference points for criticism appear not quite serviceable
here. For instance, the
meal may be served with what would be desert at the very start or at
the end or at any point in between. There may be more than one
desert or appetizer or entre served and in any order. So
the food served at "the Rules" defies standard categorizations. Whatever the
order, the items are works of culinary art at its highest levels.
These three are given free reign and reign they do over each meal,
each night. Their fancies are satisfied and the diners are sated
with delight. On the night that I dined I observed several diners
at other tables variously laughing or crying for joy when they were
served dishes that appear more for museum installation than for
human consumption.

I venture
into territory forbidden by "the Rules" to offer even these
descriptions. I am a food critic and restaurant reviewer and so
after all I need to do something to convey what the food is like.
But just how to do that with a place so unconventional and spectacle
at the same time. So imagine, if you will, that over
your precious time on this Earth you have had, let's say, striped
bass served you in three or four wonderful ways and all quite
memorable and then forget all about those and prepare for striped
bass prepared and served as you have never imagined it done,
appearing or tasting. Likewise for about any other dish you
have had, be it a staple or the most esoteric and intriguing.
It simply does not matter whether beast or fowl, fish or verdant
displays of vegetables, at the "the Rules" the past is not simply
past but in another dimension altogether. The chefs or
maestros here or these artists of culinary wonders have gone beyond
all the rules of food preparation and ordering and serving. If
you find your beef served with what might be otherwise termed as
desert matter or served as desert or your swordfish served as a
treat for the mouth on what appears as a cracker but tastes like
nothing you have ever had in your mouth before, then you are at "the
Rules" because I have not experienced the like or even heard of
anything near this anywhere at anytime.

WINE LIST:

There is
no wine list. Nevertheless, there must be an extensive collection
of some of the finest wines presently available as your meal will
have wines paired to the food you are being served. From those
scant reports and our own observation the pairings are well thought
out and are most acceptable. Oenophiles will find delights with one
or more of the servings with each meal.

BILL:

Now here
is one of the most intriguing and potentially satisfying aspects of
the experience of “the Rules.” Should you and your party avoid
violating any of the rules and complete your meal, well then your
server will appear and present the table with a single slip of paper
no larger than Metrocard with but a single number of it. Expect a
figure several times what any other restaurant would be charging for
the meal you have had: two or three times larger. If you question
how the number was determined, the server will remove the bill and
return with an itemized accounting that will most likely bear a
total larger than the number on your original “bill”.

Then again
there are several reports of the server announcing that there would
be no charge at all for the sumptuous experience enjoyed by your
party. There are no reports offering the slightest of clues as to any factors that might determine
such an outcome. Remember that speaking of the event will violate the rules and
prevent securing future reservations at "the Rules."

FREQUENT PATRON
RECOGNITION:

In
attempting to make a reservation one can forget about any
consideration at all for having previously dined at the “the Rules”.
In fact mere mention can lead to a denial of a spot. While normally
a restaurant survives on its repeat customers and regards its
frequent diners with special attention, such is not the case with
“the Rules.” This establishment is so contrarian that the near
opposite of the norm is what is operative here. Expect no
recognition for prior visits, not with reservations, nor with
seating or service.

OWNERSHIP:

There is
money behind “the Rules” and no insignificant sum. This is obvious
as three of the finest chefs in our city would not have left their
restaurants to enter into this endeavor or experiment without some
sense of financial security at its foundation. A restaurant with
such chefs cannot afford to turn away clientele nor to waive all
charges for the meals so painstakingly prepared and with the most
costly of ingredients. The renovations done to the physical space
are also so well done that the materials and design and the
execution all bespeak quality and quality financing. For the time
being, and despite some initial incredibly favorable notices in
print and digital media, the ownership of this “restaurant” is
likely to remain cloaked in mystery as great as the mystery behind
“the Rules” itself.

RATING: “the
Rules” gets
*******

0 = Do not eat here. Seriously.

* = If you really need to put something into your stomach and
quickly, try this place.