Thursday, January 20, 2011

When I first saw this, I viewed it on the tiny screen of my Blackberry at about 12:30 at night. I was moved and inspired, though not enough at the time to do anything similar for myself. But, like with most things, if you give me enough time, I come around. While I may not be starting even remotely close to 358 pounds, I still feel that it will be a major feat for me to reach the goals I have set for myself, especially in the time I want to reach them in.

My body loves the sevens. Adores them. Wants to move in next to them and stay there forever. What are the sevens, you ask? It's the 7 in every ten pound set. 177. 167. 157. I'll drop down to one of them and then plateau for what feels like forever. I've battled the sevens every time I have been on this weight loss venture and I notice that if I slip up and regain, it always finds it's way back to a 7.

So in my determination to beat the sevens before they beat me, I have had to come up with massive amounts of reinforcements to keep myself motivated and moving. I built an inspiration board for my bedroom this last weekend, where I can put quotes and pictures and all those types of things within my frame of focus. Quotes that become mantras, pictures that ingrain into my head. But what about music?

I loath the stepmill, but in my hatred of it, I have this desire to conquer it too. One of the other items on my 30 before 30 list is to do 30 minutes consistently on the stepmill, something I am working on each day at the gym, adding another minute each time. But keeping myself up there and focused on the task at hand requires some serious ass kicking music. So today I tracked down Girl Talk on Amazon.com and downloaded the "Feed The Animals" album for a whopping $5.00. This, along with a slew of other newer purchases for my iPod, should keep me moving as I climb my way to 30 minutes.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

If you type in the phrase "thinspiration" into any search engine, you are bombarded with pictures and websites that are pro-ana (pro-anorexia) and eating disorders. The pictures are of waif thin women, ribs and collarbones and hipbones jutting out through the skin and gaunt looks in their faces and eyes. Sadly, a term that could be quite motivating has such a negative connotations. But I'm using it anyway. I don't care.

So first, I have my celebrity motivation. Jennifer Nettles is a huge source of inspiration for me in so many ways. I find Sugarland's music greatly motivating, as well as her entire attitude and zest for life. But I also I love her shape and how lean and toned she is. I realize that it will take a lot of work and dedication to obtain a shape similar to this, but I am going for it.

Second, is past motivation is my mother when she was my age. She is about two inches shorter than me, but I know if she can have this body, so can I. Also, I really, really wish she still had that "Eat Your Heart Out" t-shirt.

Third is an online simulated projection of how I will look as I hit each 10 lb mark to my goal. I pulled it from a shopping website, so I know its not specifically for a weight loss tool, but the simulated figures are inspiring to me.

Lastly, I have motivational quotes, because I can't just sit around and stare at these pictures all day, every day and expect to lose. But I can have positive words running through my head and you should too, if you are trying to lose some weight. I want to be thin and I want to be inspiring. I am motivated and I want to motivate others. So I have added a motivational quote section in my sidebar, which I plan to update regularly.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Down 4.7 this week for my first week of the Biggest Loser challenge. I am quite pleased with this number and hope to be able to keep it up, consistently seeing a loss every week. With Chuck's being so closed yesterday, and I running late with no lunch packed, I could have splurged and had McDonald's. But I remained strong and had yummy Subway instead.

A few nights ago, I had a dream about Mike and his new girlfriend. They were at a movie theater and so was I and I was waiting to meet someone (unknown who it was) but they never showed. Sad and depressed, I comforted myself with McDonald's. THAT WAS MY DREAM! I was disappointed at myself in the dream and I woke so glad it was just that. More so, glad I haven't been tempted since. I can totally see the symbolism of the dream, what with him specifically with her in my dream and I, waiting on the unknown.

Monday, January 3, 2011

There is this big, booming voice in my head, telling me not to eat bad things, to exercise, to get thin, get skinny, GET SKINNY because it will all be better once I am skinny. I realize that life won't be easier, but I'll like myself more, fit better in my clothes and just be far more comfortable in my skin. But this voice is mean, menacing, bullying. It is all the negativity from my past rolled into one massive voice and it haunts me.

There are two quieter voices in my head as well. One is always trying to get me to compromise, cheat - just a bit, just a little - it won't matter, it won't count CHEAT, CHEAT, CHEAT, CHEAT, CHEAT, CHEAT, CHEAT. Especially with all the leftover snacks, cookies, chocolate all over the place. I want to silence that voice, because it is way too early to be tempted.

The other voice is supportive, motivating - saying "You can do it! You can do it! Go go go go go go! Be active! Think WHEN I'm skinny, not if I get skinny! You will do it this time!" And I want to amplify that voice. Make it so loud, so positive that there is no other voice to listen to. That it becomes my way of thinking and I make it a reality. I just have to stick to the program, stay focused and positive and not give in or give up.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

I started making a list last spring of the 30 things I wanted to achieve before my 30th birthday. The number one thing was to drop the weight and “achieve my dream body”. Now, I can’t be sure I will actually achieve this dream body I desire without a bit of surgery, but I know that dropping my desired weight will definitely get me closer to that goal.

So then I saw a posting by a friend on facebook for a biggest loser contest and knowing that the deadline is coming up, I need all the motivation I can get. Pictures, of both me from when I was thin and of people that I want to look like once I have achieved this loss. Quotes to keep me focused and going. Surround myself with positive people and things.

See, this isn’t the first (or second or eighth) time that I have done this. I have dropped and regained, several times, the same 30 pounds. Sometimes, it was less than 30, sometimes more. More than once, I would make all these declarations and get all amped up and then fizzle out. But not this time. I have too much to gain (in self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence) and so much weight to lose too. I don’t want to go into my 30′s hating myself the way I have in my 20′s. I don’t want to keep settling for the things in my life because I didn’t feel I was worthy of the things I actually deserve (much like my history of great start up and crappy follow-thru, I also settle for everything in my life).

The weigh-ins start in the morning. And for the next 8 weeks, I will be a part of a competition that does include my mom, but she has asked to be left out of this digital account of my journey. I will tell you right here and now that I am more dedicated to this THIS time than just about any other time in the past. Nothing is going to stop me.