Renee Reviews The Grammy Award Show 2012

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Happy Grammy’s everyone! I’m back and ready to review the night - the highs, the lows, and everything in between (or what Randy Jackson would call the “pitchy” parts).

I’m starting off the night by watching some of the E! Live from the Red Carpet Pre-Show. What I’m realizing by watching this show is that I have no idea who half of these people are anymore. Who is the lady with the machine gun armor? And there are some other Lady Gaga wannabes running around the joint. And can someone explain to me why Rebecca Black is there? Oh hold up, Katy Perry just showed up looking like a vintage sparkling blueberry!

Adele looks stunning, Corinne Bailey Rae is fabulous from head-to-toe, I love Kelly Rowland’s dress, and ooh-la-la Rihanna looks sexay! On the other hand, Fergie forgot part of her dress at home, I’m still trying to get over the machine gun lady, and is that Nicki Minaj I see wearing a Pope on her arm?! I’d like to know the point at which someone decided the Grammy’s should double as a Halloween gala. After seeing some of these outfits, I am officially ready for the show to start so my brain doesn’t fall out of my head.

I loved the Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band opening. It was classic, energetic, and fun. LL Cool J continued the class with a nice prayer for Whitney Houston. I gotta say, the clip of her singing I Will Always Love You brought a tear to my eye. Like many others, she’s been a huge influence on my life. She’s the reason I started singing in the first place, and, Whitney girl, I will always love YOU. LL Cool J was spot on when he said this night is about MUSIC, which is truly universal and healing.

Bruno Mars continued the show with a super fun, high energy, retro performance. For someone whose music I don’t typically listen to, I always love watching him perform live. He seems like he’d be fun in real life. Bruno, will you be my friend?

Alicia Keys and Bonnie Raitt’s Etta James tribute was soulful and heartfelt. I loved the simplicity of it, and also sometimes I really wish I were Alicia Keys because she is so beautiful and so talented. Adele quickly won the Grammy for Best Pop Solo Performance for Someone Like You, which, let’s be honest: who else compares?! I’m sure she won by a long shot.

Chris Brown performed and - even though I think he’s a stupid woman-beater jerkface - I go crazy when he dances. I would give anything to dance like that! His set reminded me of a Pretty Lights concert I saw last fall, so I found that unoriginal. If he didn’t dance I would completely dislike him. Why does he have to dance?!

Best Rap Performance goes to ... oooh, this is a hard one! Otis by Jay-Z and Kanye West! Watch the Throne is a fantastic album and this is one of many great songs on it. Well deserved, boys!

Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson’s song was good, but slightly boring. I usually don’t like Kelly’s outfit choices, but I thought her dress tonight looked fantastic and complimented her curvy bod. Kelly, keep wearing things like that, pretty please!

Foo Fighters were up next, which was exactly like every other Foo Fighters performance I have ever seen at every other awards show. Yawn.

I was a little intrigued to hear Rihanna and Coldplay were going to be performing together - I mean, how does that work? And then I realized they weren’t really performing together... more of a segue from one song to the other. First, has Rihanna lost a lot of weight? Girl looks thin! Second, this was my favorite performance of hers that I have ever seen. She actually owned the stage and looked like she was having fun. I’ve had issues with her in the past because I’ve felt like she lacked confidence, but tonight she really delivered. Oh yeah, Coldplay was there too, with the same performance they did on Saturday Night Live months ago.

The Grammy for Best Rock Performance went to... Walk by the Foo Fighters. Boo. I wanted Mumford & Sons or Radiohead to win. I would have been happy for The Decemberists to win as well. All Foo Fighters songs sound alike. Dave Grohl’s acceptance speech was a good one, though. I agree with everything he said - music is about what goes on in your head and heart, not what comes out on the computer. True dat, Dave Grohl. True dat.

Then we had Maroon 5 with a Beach Boys rendition - yikes! Will the real Beach Boys please stand up? But WOWZERS, Foster the People! You sounded phenomenal covering the Beach Boys! I loved it! Oh oh, and here they come! The real Beach Boys! They are so old! A band of grandpas, and they sound GREAT! I want to put each of them in my pocket.

Back from commercial, and Stevie Wonder was there to greet us! Oh Stevie, I wish you would sing for us! He gave a pretty kickin’ introduction for the next performer, Sir Paul McCartney. Ya know, I feel like I have to like Sir Paul just because he was a Beatle. So I’ll just say his performance was nice and I did not doze off for a second.

Best R&B album goes to Chris Brown. I do love his singles but you know what we were all thinking. I just can’t get over the whole 'he beat Rihanna and everyone knows you don’t beat a woman' thing.

THE CIVIL WARS ARE PERFORMING! THE CIVIL WARS ARE PERFORMING! I love them! I looooove them! My night was just made. They are fantastic! Listen to their album now! I know they were just opening for Taylor Swift, but I am so excited for them! They sounded and looked much better than Taylor, who looked like she just walked in from milking the cows. Or as my awards show friend put it, “Why is she dressed like a coal miner’s daughter?” Looks aside, this was one of my least favorite performances of hers that I have seen.

I’m rooting for Mumford & Sons, Bon Iver or Adele for Song of the Year, and I’m guessing everyone already knows the winner: Adele! She’s having a fantastic year!

I’m not sure what to say about Katy Perry’s performance. I liked her metallic pink lipstick? Divorced Katy Perry is much more firey than cutesy married Katy Perry? I think the song was one big middle finger to Russell Brand. Anyone else agree?

Best Country Album goes to Own the Night by Lady Antebellum. They’re one of the only country artists I know, so I’m glad they won!

Adele is back and singing better than ever! This woman is special. I’m so glad her voice is healed because the world would be worse off without her talents. Way to bring down the house, girl! Everyone loved you!

Meg Ryan’s doppelganger in The Band Perry started the tribute for some county dude I don’t know. I guess I should have said earlier that I know next to nothing about country music. That followed with a performance by Blake Shelton and then AH they said his name - Glen Campbell! Still no idea who he is, but he sang and this guy seems like a tried-and-true country dude. The bolo tie and white rhinestone studded jacket said it all. Did anyone else hear him at the end say something like, “Thank y’all so much. Where do I go? Do I go somewhere? Shut up!” Right into the mic. Fantastic.

Tony Bennett and Carrie Underwood did a classy rendition of It Had To Be You before introducing the Best New Artist. Congratulations to Bon Iver! I saw him at Lollapalooza in 2009 in the drizzling rain, and it is a moment I will never forget. I had fallen in love with his music before, but I fell in love with it all over again in that rainy moment. His music is magical, and I’m so happy he won this category.

The In Memoriam section ended with a chilling version of I Will Always Love You by Jennifer Hudson. Aaaand this was the point where I officially lost it, because it finally registered that one of my idols had passed. It was a beautiful tribute. However I must point out that they forgot Etta James in this In Memoriam section! Am I right?!

Wait, is Chris Brown performing again?! Get off the stage and let someone else have a turn. David Guetta cracks me up. I love most of his new album, and he just seems like this super happy European dude that loves to rock out to club tunes. And there’s Lil’ Wayne for a brief second! The Grammy’s wouldn’t be complete without him. And Foo Fighters again now? What is going on? Deadmau5 joins the party last with his signature mouse-head thing and some dubstep.

Nicki Minaj’s performance is up next and it’s exorcism themed. This may explain the Pope on her arm earlier. It was weird, just as you’d probably think an exorcism-themed pop musical performance would be. Nicki Minaj still hasn’t won me over yet. In fact, I like her less and less by the day.

Record of the Year goes to Adele for Rolling in the Deep! Of course! Adele was the obvious choice. Maybe now, radio stations can stop playing her song every second of the day so that people don’t get sick of her.

Diana Ross is here to present Album of the Year. The nominees are: Adele, Foo Fighters, Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars, and Rihanna. Adele had to win. The world wouldn’t be just without another win for Adele! I hope she comes out with an album for every year of her life. I never wish heartbreak on anyone, but you do such beautiful things with it! So I hope, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, that you keep getting your heart broken so you keep creating wonderful music. The world loves you and we are rooting for you!

So there's my real-time summary of a night full of a million performances and about five actual awards.