134. Vulnerable to you / 1yr blogiversary

Mike reads my blog from time to time, plus I’ve talked to him about the fact my greatest joy in blogging is ruminating on my thoughts and happenings in life. I enjoy sharing my thoughts, feelings, motivations, and interpretations of something a lot more than I enjoy sharing the specifics of that something. Mike commented that he thinks this was a “vulnerability thing.” Okay, so Mike is not one to ponder philosophically. He tends to just to succinctly sum things up in a few, but accurate, words.

I had to delve into what all he meant by this but when i asked him he simply said, “It isn’t important what it means to me, it’s whether it means anything to you. You think about it and tell me what you think it might mean. ” His retort floored me. This was very un-Mike like. It had this sensei flair to it, this enigmatic statement that I had to unravel and find my own meaning. But, I appreciated the response as I took it as a self-reflection challenge, and I like to be self-reflective and I like a good challenge.

So here’s my thoughts on Mike’s comment. The pre-DD Jenny thrived on control, was measured in what she did and said, and only portrayed to others a limited version of herself to avoid potential negative critique. I am proud to have shed most of those pre-DD habits, but, parts of that still linger.

I am fully vulnerable to Mike, and while the type of vulnerability we give to our partner is not the type you would give to everyone, there is an element of vulnerability that you should be willing to give to those around you. It is about being authentic. By being authentic, you might rub some people the wrong way, but so what? The flip side is by being authentic, your relationships become founded on authenticity. You connect to people as you really are, and hopefully as they really all. The result is a deeper and more meaningful and fulfilling connection. It is much better to have fewer, authentic and meaningful relationships with friends and family, then to have many superficial ones based on less than your true self.

I’ve shared before that vulnerability has been like a drug to me. I love it, I crave it, and I’ve slowly become more vulnerable to those around me. There is Mike of course, who my vulnerability has no limits. Then there was John and Donna, and then Kayla. They get the full and unedited version of Jenny. I believe it is my comfort and confidence in being vulnerable that led me to tell my sisters about my DD lifestyle. (Post 116. Revealing DD to my sisters). It is also what led me to tell a group of my girlfriends about Mike and I “swinging.” (Post 132. Good Grove / Bad Move). And it has led to my overall sense of comfort and confidence in my choices.

I am vulnerable when it comes to my blog, but I definitely can be more so. THAT was Mike’s point with his comment. I know the ultimate in vulnerability would be to post more identifiable personal details complete with pictures. But frankly, that would be opening myself up to be revealed to any and all people. Maybe some day, but for now I am not ready for that, nor is Mike. Short of that, I could be more forthcoming with things I do or the things that happen to me that currently I may omit, or infer or lightly touch on but not in much detail.

A good example is our soaping punishment routine, although I’ve only received two. Part of this routine is rinsing not with water, but with pee. I have not blatantly stated that detail because of concern of what you may think of me. I know it is silly to be worried about what readers think after sharing so much, but, I found it difficult to share that particular detail. Well, it’s shared now!

Mike is correct, it is a “vulnerability thing.” Each time I have shared a punishment with you I mention I am not one for sharing those details. Part of me worries about what people will think – think about me, think about Mike. I would rather write about the positive impact it had, versus share the specifics and leave it to you to conclude what the impact was. So, that’s my response to Mike regarding what I think he meant by it being a “vulnerability thing.” I shouldn’t be so resistant to being vulnerable to you.

This doesn’t mean I am suddenly over it. But, I will try hard to focus on being even more transparent on my blog, especially when it comes to punishments. This isn’t something I have to do. Mike doesn’t require it of me, and I don’t specifically require it of myself. However, I do believe it helps in strengthening and maintaining a submissive mindset. It is more about being more disciplined in my vulnerability and not allowing old habits in. And that IS something I want.

ONE YEAR OLD BLOGSwitching gears – my blog just turned one year old a few days ago. Thank you to everyone who reads, likes, and comments. I am close to 100,000 views and about 18,000 visitors. I like it that I get 5 to 6 views per visitor each month as it means to me that people are intrigued enough to read multiple posts. Writing this continues to be very fulfilling, and now, perhaps more so as I strive to be even more vulnerable in my future posts. And I took notice that by far the most visited post isPost 25. Intense Spanking Part II, about twice as many as the next visited post (Post 12. Our DD Contract). You kinksters seem to like to read about punishments!

I’ll take that under advisement. Ultimately I blog for me, but I like it when others like it, and I also like the vulnerability of it. I just have to remind myself that sharing details of a punishment is an act of vulnerability, thus an act of submission. That should be plenty of motivation for me to enjoy doing so. But even with that motivation, my greatest pleasure in blogging is still from waxing philosophically about being a submissive wife and living the wife-swapping polyamourous Domestic Discipline lifestyle that I live.

Because of my high profile job, I cannot share any details. I started an anonymous blog, and He immediately commanded me to take it down… there is too much at stake. Also, amongst DD people, we are hesitant to share details because our dynamic is DD with some D/s overtones (undertones)? not sure which, anyway…. I would talk about corrections and someone would reply “What? Butt Plug? That’s BDSM! You can’t have that in a DD relationship!” I have learned that what works in my dynamic is most important, and labels are less important than I thought. I call it DD, or maybe CDD, or maybe just that umbrella TTWD… anyway, rambling…. but vulnerability is important.

Ha. Overtones or undertones, I think both words work, which is strange, since over and under are opposites? Anyways, yes, I wouldn’t recommend anyone sharing. Lots of risks that aren’t worth it. A secret is no longer a secret once one person knows, so I know we’ve already shared with too many people, but, Mike and I are okay with that. We are older, more comfortable and set in who we are, his career, etc. And if you do share, there is the issue of the label you use, just like you stated. “That’s not DD.” “That’s not being a submissive.” Etc. Even people into kink can get hung up on definitions and get defensive if they identify as something you identify as yet your lifestyle has differences. I like the umbrella term of TTWD. Everyone has their own variations and the labels can help narrow down what your TTWD are, but they are never perfect in defining a given relationship. My DD has evolved into what I believe is much more D/s than DD. But, DD is the term I first adopted (and was a good label for what we did at first). It’s hard to change a label you’ve already identified yourself with, even when you know you’ve moved beyond it. Anyway, now I am the one rambling, so I’ll end the same way. Vulnerability is important!

Congratulations on sticking with the blog for this long. I admire your vulnerability and likely need to rethink mine. There are things that I am uncomfortable writing about. I tend to gloss over them or even ignore them. Perhaps I should be more honest about including them.

It is hard. It’s strange that even our “virtual self” has an ego that wants acceptance and we avoid sharing aspects of ourselves that we feel risks that acceptance. It is strange as I share things that are pretty “out there” all the time, yet, there are things I have hang ups about that I am reluctant to share, such as the “pee play.” There, I wrote it!

Congrats on your blogiversary! One year of vulnerability deserves a celebration. I don’t know if anybody can be completely open about themselves whether blogging or in real life. There are always other people to consider, even if being 100% honest is the goal.

yeah, and you should have some filter because frankly, people don’t want to know every tiny detail. It’s just revealing to examine the details we choose to share, omit, or infer. And for me,despite the completely anonymity of blogging, I still a a “virtual ego” that impedes full disclosure of certain activities.

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying here about vulnerability. Like you, I still worry what people will think of me and know that I have room to grow with that aspect. As a reader I love that honesty though and I do enjoy the openness and authenticity in your posts.

I would also like to be more open with others about personal details but work means that is a huge risk. My blog is a place where I can share and be the authentic me and your post has made me think about that in a different way.

I agree, the workplace would be an extremely tough place to risk vulnerability. That’s Mike’s worry to a degree. Frankly, it is just the wrong place to air one’s kink. For most people, it should just be avoided entirely. And since many peoples social circle is often an extension of their work circle, it is very difficult to “come out” without it impacting the workplace. Oh the benefits of blogging!! What a great place to just let go and be the pure you!