Many divorced fathers struggle desperately to remain in their
children's lives
By Glenn Sacks
web posted June 23, 2003
Jim, a Michigan technology consultant, can't even remember
what his daughter looks like.
"I haven't been allowed to see my little Caroline for over three
years," he says. "The last picture I have of her was taken four
years ago, when she was eight years old. The only contact I'm
allowed with her is a short phone call every Sunday, and often
even that is blocked."
Jim, a Commander in the Naval Reserve, has fought the toughest
battle of his life to remain in his daughter's life. Twelve years ago
his ex-wife left their home in Michigan and moved with their
baby to Louisiana. Time and again Jim says he has paid the $600
round trip fare to go to Louisiana to see his daughter only to
have his visitation blocked, even when he has come to visit his
daughter on her birthday.
Jim has appealed to the courts on numerous occasions to
enforce his visitation rights, to no avail. At the same time, he has
paid enormous legal fees (as well as child support) and has
almost been forced into bankruptcy. He says:
"I sometimes wonder if that picture of Caroline is the last one I'll
ever see."
Jim and hundreds of thousands like him are part of a new
generation of heroic fathers who fight a long, hard, and often
desperate struggle to remain a part of their children's lives.
Three-quarters of divorced fathers surveyed maintain that their
ex-wives have substantially interfered with their visitation rights.
A nationwide study of children of divorce confirmed these
sentiments, and as many as 40 per cent of mothers surveyed
have admitted they have interfered with visitation and that their
motives were punitive and not due to safety considerations.
Some fathers have even been denied all contact with their
children because courts have accepted false and/or
uncorroborated accusations of domestic violence or child sexual
abuse. Forensic consultant Dean Tong, author of Elusive
Innocence, believes that in the context of a custody battle,
between 60 per cent and 80 per cent of domestic violence
accusations are false. According to a study conducted in New
York state, 75 per cent of child sexual abuse accusations made
during custody battles were shown to be unfounded or
unsubstantiated.
Other fathers have suffered at the hands of "move-away moms"
who permit or even use geography to drive fathers out of their
children's lives. And some fathers have watched helplessly as
their own children have been taught to hate them.
Fathers with horror stories are not hard to find. Like Daniel Lee,
the founder of the Tennessee shared parenting group Child's
Best Interest, who has flown nearly half a million miles over the
last five years so that he can see his son, who was taken to live
2,000 miles away. Or Edgar P., a Los Angeles father who
risked a one year jail sentence for a domestic violence charge
because he knew that pleading guilty in a plea bargain would
destroy his chances of obtaining visitation rights with his young
daughter. He was acquitted of the charge last year but is still only
allowed to see his child a few hours a week.
Some distraught fathers find the situation so painful that they
destroy themselves. Following an adverse family court decision
last year, 20-year Navy veteran Derrick Miller walked up to
court personnel at the entrance to a San Diego courthouse,
waved his court documents, said "You did this to me," and shot
himself in the head. Nationwide divorced fathers are ten times as
likely to commit suicide as divorced mothers, and more than
twice as likely to commit suicide as married fathers.
Other fathers simply give up and drop out of their children's lives.
Increasingly, fathers like Lee and Jim, a member of a Michigan
shared parenting group, are turning to political activism. Jim says:
"I want to change the system so that no father ever again has to
go through what I've been through. The problem is not my ex.
The problem is a family court system which allows her to do
this."
Glenn Sacks is a men's and fathers' issues columnist and radio
talk show host. His columns have appeared in dozens of
America's largest newspapers. His radio show, His Side with
Glenn Sacks, can be heard every Sunday on KRLA 870 AM in
Los Angeles. Glenn can be reached via his website, at
www.GlennSacks.com or by e-mail at
Glenn@GlennSacks.com. This column first appeared in the Long
Beach Times (6/5/03).
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