Yesterday’s news that Disney has decided to shutter LucasArts, the videogame company overseen by Lucasfilm that’s produced nearly three decades worth of Star Wars and Indiana Jones games, not to mention the Monkey Island saga, gave us a full-blown nostalgia attack. Disney seems so determined to put all their effort into the production of Episode VII that they’re shutting down much of non-Episode VII Star Wars content, including the Clone Wars TV series and games like Star Wars 1313 that were in the pipeline for future release. Eric Geller, one Star Wars fan who helps run TheForce.Net speaks for many of us by saying, “They seem to think they need a dearth of other SW content to get us excited for the sequels. Have they met us?”
For kids growing up in the ‘90s, LucasArts’ games were the only way to extend the experience of Star Wars beyond endlessly replaying VHS copies of the Original Trilogy. At least, until we were old enough to start reading the Expanded Universe novels. Whether geared for the computer, NES, or N64, these games helped us fall even deeper in love with that Galaxy Far, Far Away. The batting average of these Star Wars games was really formidable, with the X-Wing and Dark Forces series, in particular, being consistently strong. Admittedly, in recent years, the quality of LucasArts’ output has waned. For all the hype, 2008’s The Force Unleashed doesn’t offer gameplay mechanics or storytelling anywhere near as satisfying as that found in Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast, released six years earlier. But we still played.
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So, to honor LucasArts’ formidable legacy, movies editor Matt Patches, staff writer Michael Arbeiter, and myself, geek writer Christian Blauvelt, put together our picks for the 10 Best Star Wars Games Ever. Oh yes, and the 5 Worst — nobody's perfect!
10. Episode I—Racer (1999)
This is the Rodney Dangerfield of Star Wars games. A lot of fans think it’s terrible without even having played it. But Racer transforms the best sequence in The Phantom Menace into kinetic art, taking you to wholly alien environments like the sulfuric planet Malastare, ocean world Aquilaris, and airless vacuum planet Oovo IV. No, it doesn’t have a story or any depth to its characters—though you do get to play as all the weird alien podracers you glimpse during the Boonta Eve Classic in the movie—but Racer isn’t trying to be “cinematic” like so many games today (games, which, as a result, are often too easy when it comes to actual gameplay). Racer is a souped-up arcade actioner. It capitalizes on your reflexes and muscle memory rather than your higher cognitive functions. But that also means that, like many of the arcade classics, it’s a lot more difficult, and thus a lot more replayable than games with supposedly loftier ambitions. And it has Watto saying stuff like “Ohhhh….You want buy pit droid, eh?” How could you not love that? — Christian Blauvelt
9. Shadows of the Empire (1996)
Lucasfilm’s idea of creating a multimedia “interquel,” a story that explores what Luke and Leia did in between The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, took various forms: a novel written by Steve Perry that focused primarily on the movie characters, a graphic-novel tie-in, and a Nintendo 64 game that cut out Luke and Leia entirely to focus on gun-for-hire Dash Rendar, the scruffiest nerfherder in the galaxy not named Han Solo. As Dash, you follow the breadcrumbs from planet to planet to find out where Solo, frozen in carbonite, has been taken, so you can attempt a rescue. Along the way, you encounter droid bounty hunter IG-88, Boba Fett, and a giant dianoga—the tentacle garbage compactor creature from A New Hope! — Christian Blauvelt
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8. Yoda Stories (1997)
You land in the murky waters of Dagobah, your X-Wing pixilated and your R2 unit complete with incomprehensible speech bubbles. And there, you will find your mission of the day: Where will Master Yoda send you this time — Tatooine, Hoth, Endor? Who will you be charged with saving — Han Solo, Princess Leia, C3P0? The Game Boy and PC adventure game sent the player (as Luke) off on multifaceted quests, completing small tasks to aid in the ultimate conquest against baddies like Jabba the Hutt, the Rancor, swarms of Jawas, and even Darth Vader. Combining the joys of platform games and clever puzzles with Star Wars fandom makes Yoda Stories among the best of LucasArts’ contributions. —Michael Arbeiter
7. Dark Forces (1995)
LucasArts did an amazing job creating new characters and designs for their games, and Dark Forces became more than a Doom knock-off thanks to the inclusion of mercenary Kyle Katarn and the revelation of the "Dark Troopers." For a mid-90s, first-person shooter, Dark Forces had unprecedented atmosphere and an array of recognizable weapons finally put in the hands of Star Wars fans. Being able to wield a thermal detonator — only briefly seen in the first trilogy — brought a new dimension to the world we already loved. — Matt Patches
6. Battlefront II (2006)
Upgrading the skirmish style of the original Battlefront, the sequel opened up the format for larger missions, saga-spanning story arcs, space combat, and the ability to play as a Jedi. Sure, putting us in the third-person perspective of a Stormtrooper or Rebel gunman was fun, but dropping Mace Windu in the middle of a battle to slice up battalions of Droidekas and pesky Geonosians was a dream come true. Being able to run over Windu with a Trade Federation tank and send him flying off a cliff bumped Battlefront II up to "classic" territory. And the cherry on top: we loved John Williams' cue "Battle of Heroes" in Star Wars: Episode III, but when it backed up our long nights wiping out invading forces during Battlefront II's many campaigns, it was empowering. — Matt Patches
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5. Knights of the Old Republic (2003)
Compared to Jedi Outcast released the year before, the actual gameplay of KOTOR isn’t great. You have no control over lightsaber combat — moves are actually determined by virtual “dice throws.” But that’s pretty much the norm in role-playing games. What you do get is a story set in a wholly unexplored period of Star Wars history and possibly the most character-driven LucasArts game ever. 3,900 years before the events of the movies, the Republic is at war with the Sith. Or rather, two Jedi, who’ve turned to the Dark Side and are calling themselves Darth Revan and Darth Malak. You play an anonymous Republic soldier with extraordinary abilities that are only slowly discovered throughout the course of the game as you battle back the darkness. As an RPG, KOTOR allows you to make key moral choices throughout the story that determine the direction of the plot…and your character’s ultimate fate, leading up to the most shocking Star Wars reveal since “I am your father.” Also, you will never learn more about the internal politics of Wookiee culture. — Christian Blauvelt
NEXT: What's the best Star Wars game ever? Plus, our picks for the 5 Worst.
4. The Empire Strikes Back (1992)
In the early days of LucasArts, being able to recreate any amount of the Star Wars trilogy was a gift to fans. Like it's movie counterpart, 1992's Empire Strikes Back — debuting first on the NES then ported over to the Gameboy — managed to, for the first time, convey the thrills of the narrative with involving gameplay. The graphics were low-res, the functionality imperfect (no you f**king Tauntaun, MOVE THIS WAY), but in the end, Luke's Hoth escapades and first taste of force powers made for hours of side-scrolling fun. There's a comic book style to Luke's lightsaber movement that remains imprinted on my mind, even today. — Matt Patches
3. Rogue Squadron (1998)
While we cannot forgive the whines and groans that accompanied Luke Skywalker’s desire to take up with the Academy, we can finally understand just why he so desperately wanted to be a pilot: Rogue Squadron gave us the chance to try our hand behind the X-Wing wheel, zipping with an impressive fluidity (at least for that era of video gaming) through some of the Star Wars franchise’s most formidable locales. Highlights of the game include taking down Imperial Walkers with some fancy footwork and a spool of yarn, and taking a dip in the gelatin-esque waters of Mon Calamari. Avoid the tasty topography of this realm: It’s a trap! — Michael Arbeiter
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2. X-Wing Alliance (1998)
The last, and best, game in the PC X-Wing series puts you in the cylindrical cockpit of a YT-1300 freighter (for non-nerds, that’s a ship of the same class as the Millennium Falcon), a Y-Wing, a B-Wing, an A-Wing, and just about every other type of craft you can imagine. But it’s not just a first-person space-combat simulator. X-Wing Alliance tells a deep, involving story about a family, the Azzameens, who run a shipping company around the events of The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. When the Empire tries to take over their business, they defect to the Rebel Alliance, and, as Ace, the hotshot pilot who’s the Azzameen family’s cocky youngest son, you participate in the mission to steal the plans for the Second Death Star and finally fly into the Death Star’s reactor shaft in the Battle of Endor itself. — Christian Blauvelt
1. Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast (2002)
I’d argue the Star Wars Expanded Universe is at its very best when focusing on characters who aren’t in the films. That allows storytellers other than George Lucas to explore nooks and crannies of the Star Wars galaxy without being a slave to continuity. It also means those novels and videogames don’t feel compelled to drown in the movies’ Joseph Campbell-knockoff mythology and can take different narrative pathways. Exhibit A for how well this can work? The Dark Forces series, which reaches its apex in Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast, the greatest Star Wars game ever produced. Flinty, bearded, commando-turned-Jedi Kyle Katarn has to rescue his partner and lover, Jan Ors, from the clutches of one of Luke Skywalker’s Jedi students who turned to the Dark Side. It’s Star Wars' answer to The Searchers, and it takes Kyle from the seedy, neon-tinted Hutt demimonde of Nar Shaddaa to the glistening spires of Cloud City (where you have an epic lightsaber fight in the carbon-freeze room, just like Empire Strikes Back!), to the jungles of Yavin 4.
The level maps are crammed with detail, from the little Ugnaughts who populate Cloud City’s underlevels (who you can slice with your lightsaber if you’re feeling mean-spirited: we do!) to the latest craze in interstellar mixology, a ruby bliel, the must-order drink from your local Chiss barman. And though later games like The Force Unleashed have been touted for their gameplay mechanics, none can compare to Jedi Outcast and its hyper-dynamic lightsaber combat—especially when you have “realistic saber combat” mode activated, allowing for full dismemberment. Until someone invents a T-14 hyperdrive, playing Jedi Outcast is the closest thing to visiting that Galaxy Far, Far Away for real. — Christian Blauvelt
THE 5 WORST STAR WARS VIDEOGAMES
5. Force Commander (2000)
LucasArts was never able to make a great real-time strategy game. The closest they ever came was with Star Wars: Empire at War and Star Wars: Galactic Battlegrounds—Clone Campaigns, which basically just used the Age of Empires engine. Force Commander was a particular misfire, though, with an unwieldy camera and uninspired combat.
4. Empire at War—Forces of Corruption (2006)
However, Force Commander wasn’t as bad as this epic dud. The sequel to Empire at War features the smallest game maps for an RTS game we’ve ever seen. They’re so small that when a Super Star Destroyer shows up for the finale, it takes up practically the entire map, with no room for maneuverability. A huge missed opportunity.
3. Rebellion (1998)
It’s not just that Rebellion hasn’t aged well, it’s that the PC game’s graphics looked archaic even when it came out in 1998, especially compared to what you could find on the N64 with Rogue Squadron, released the same year. A sad, lazy effort.
2. Kinect Star Wars (2012)
This is the game that gave us Princess Leia dancing in her metal bikini to “Genie in a Bottle.” ‘Nuff said.
1. Masters of Teräs Käsi (1998)
With a name like Masters of Teräs Käsi how could it not be the worst Star Wars game ever?
[Photo Credit: LucasArts]
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Patience is a virtue, but indeed a virtue difficult to acquire when the summer movie season looms. How can we be reasonably asked to wait until, say, May 17th to find out what happens in one of the biggest movies of the year? I’m speaking of course about J.J. Abrams’ film Star Trek Into Darkness. We’ve been teased for months with sensational trailers, the most recent being the international trailer, and then we’re asked to sit patiently until the film's distant release?
More so than any other movie of the 2013 summer season, Star Trek Into Darkness tasks us. Abrams has always closely guarded the secrets of his films, even going so far as to build enclosures around his sets to keep prying eyes from snapping unauthorized production photos. Therefore, we are forced more than usual to rely upon deductions from the trailers to guide our pre-conceived notions of the movie. Granted, trying to accurately predict the course of an entire film from its trailer is the visual media equivalent of judging a book by its cover. But close examination of the marketing material so far, when viewed comparatively to other recent films, has yielded one possible theory.
Star Trek Into Darkness will be the Skyfall of its franchise.
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Be forewarned, there will be Skyfall spoilers here. Let’s consider the plethora of similarities between the facts of Skyfall and what we know of Star Trek Into Darkness so far. First off, we are currently at about the same point in the lives of the two main characters at hand: Jameses Kirk and Bond. Bond may have existed in film for the last 50 years, but Skyfall takes place within a brand new origin arc for Bond. Abrams’ Star Trek is similarly rebooting Kirk, bringing us into the story just as he’s being established. By the end of Skyfall, Bond is a full-fledged double-O agent, re-committed to his work with a new M and young Q in place. Meanwhile, Kirk, as we know from the last film, is the recently appointed captain of the Starship Enterprise.
Just as Bond is getting established, he faces his greatest challenge at the hands of a former MI-6 agent, played by Javier Bardem. Silva, as he is called, launches an attack on the MI-6 headquarters in London. In the international trailer for Star Trek Into Darkness, it is made clear to us that villain Benedict Cumberbatch is playing a former Starfleet agent and the inciting action of the film appears to be his attack on a Federation building… in London. Cumberbatch’s voiceover espouses, “Your commanders have committed a crime I cannot forgive.” It’s the same vaguely religious vendetta call as Bardem’s “Think on your sins” from Skyfall.
In the trailer, we also see Kirk in a great assembly hall during a firefight. This of course mirrors the gunfight that breaks out during M’s deposition in Skyfall. In fact, the craft Cumberbatch pilots to launch this assault, the one hovering outside the window, closely resembles a helicopter. Likewise, Silva mounts a full-scale siege on Bond’s family home in Skyfall. The aim of both villains is to annihilate everything for which our heroes, respectively, stand. Cumberbatch’s actions are no doubt the cause of the all the coffins we see in the Star Trek Into Darkness trailers. A shot of M standing before the coffins of fallen MI-6 agents was a central piece of imagery in the Skyfall trailer.
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Then we come to the interrogation scene. One of the biggest clichés of 2012 was the “bad guy gets caught on purpose” trope. This occurred in The Avengers, The Dark Knight Rises, and, yes, even Skyfall. In fact, in both Skyfall and The Avengers, the premeditated capture lead to imprisonment in a glass holding cell. In the trailer for Abrams’ new Star Trek film, Cumberbatch is at one point clearly being held in a glass cell, and exchanging ominous quips with Kirk the whole time. His confidence in that scene would suggest that his incarceration is indeed part of his master plan. The line, “You think you’re safe, you are not,” certainly lends further evidence to that supposition.
The opening scene of Skyfall, and thereby one of the earliest sights in its trailer, was Bond falling from a bridge into the waters below. This is of course an overt metaphor for his fall from grace and a foreshadowing of his eventual descent into a personal hell. Kirk and Bones also experience a tumble from dizzying heights into the sea in the STID trailer. In fact, falling imagery is plentiful throughout. At one point, the Enterprise itself plummets into the ocean from space. What could serve as a better metaphor for the severity of the trials facing Kirk’s crew than the sky itself falling down around them?
And finally, we come to the promise of death in the Star Trek Into Darkness trailers. We see two hands meeting from opposite sides of a pane of glass — an image rife with dreadful connotation for Trek fans. It mirrors Spock’s final moments of life in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. The international trailer for the upcoming film additionally has Cumberbatch stating that he will walk over the cold corpses of the crew. In Skyfall, Silva decimates Bond’s world by killing M; as fundamental a moment for the Bond franchise as Spock’s death was for Trek’s.
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Judi Dench’s M is the person who, under the new timeline of Craig’s films, guides Bond as he makes the transition to double-O agent; she is effectively a mother figure for him. Her death forces Mallory, played by Ralph Fiennes, to step in and not only assume the mantle of M, but also usher in a new era. Given that the international STID trailer introduces a new Starfleet officer played by Peter Weller, and given the heavy insinuation that someone is going to perish in the movie, our prediction is that Commander Pike will not make it out of the sequel alive.
So what do you think about the similarities? What other conclusions can we draw about Star Trek into Darkness from the Skyfall model? And how do we think (and hope) they will differ? Sound off in the comments section and let us know!
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Let’s get right to the moment everyone was talking about from last night’s two-hour installment of History’s The Bible. The actor who played Satan, Mohamen Mehdi Ouazanni, looked very familiar. A Sith Lord, right, because of the hood? Nope. Think a little more earthbound. As in someone who resides in Washington D.C., and who the right-wing base that's the core audience for The Bible often despise. See what you think…
Yes, the Twitterverse exploded after Jesus encountered Satan in the wilderness and was tempted with the prospect of universal health care, bank and credit card reforms, and the drawdown of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Wait, no, that didn’t happen. But Satan did look a lot like President Obama. Shortly after the episode aired Glenn Beck even tweeted the following, so it must be true:
Anyone else think the Devil in #TheBible Sunday on HIstory Channel looks exactly like That Guy? twitter.com/glennbeck/stat…
— Glenn Beck (@glennbeck) March 17, 2013
History denies the allegations, calling them "nonsense." And to be fair, Ouazanni has appeared in multiple Biblical movies, including David, Jeremiah, and The Satanic Angels, so he may have been cast for his experience with this kind of material, not for looking like the POTUS. That said, executive producer Mark Burnett also produces Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice. Just sayin’…
Before we get any further, let me introduce myself. I am Christian Blauvelt, the ‘Christian’ of the headline. Now, I’m not actually religious. I consider myself agnostic, though my family does have a Presbyterian background. But despite the fact that my parents were never adamant churchgoers, I devoured all of the Bible stories as a kid. I've never viewed the Good Book as the “Word of God” so much as a historical document that reflects the attitudes and prejudices of its time, and, as the Satan/Obama similarity in History’s version may show, continues to reflect the attitudes and prejudices of the people who interpret it today.
The biggest thing I’ve taken away from History's The Bible so far is that it’s not based on the King James Version so much as the George R.R. Martin version. Game of Thrones casts a sizable shadow over this interpretation of scripture, except for when it comes to sex. I mean, no one ever bathes on The Bible. Everyone has scraggly hair and scragglier beards. Torture and slaughter are constant. But is there any “knowing” in the Biblical sense? Nada. A sexy dance from Salome didn’t even precipitate John the Baptist’s beheading!
Nebuchadnezzer, for one, could just as easily be fighting for the Iron Throne of Westeros as laying waste to Jerusalem. He’s the kind of king who wears a Tin Man funnel hat, emphatically devours mutton, and says things like, “It begins,” “There’s a price for betrayal,” and “You know what Jerusalem means? ‘City of Peace.’” As in, he’s gonna go so Old Testament on the Israelites’ collective asses that Jerusalem damn well won’t be a City of Peace when he’s through with it.
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At the court of Jerusalem’s king, Zedekiah, the prophet Jeremiah was experiencing a major failure to communicate. He was trying to convey that the city would fare better if they immediately surrendered to Nebuchadnezzer, rather than endure a prolonged siege from his Babylonian forces. But with his shock of wild, seemingly electrified hair, and his insistence upon strapping a wooden beam to his back to symbolize how Zedekiah should submit to the yoke of Babylon, Jeremiah was far too alienating to be taken seriously. This is why you’ve got to sweeten the message, man. So no one listened to Jeremiah, and Babylon began an 18 month siege of Jerusalem. At no time do the makers of The Bible ever make Jerusalem feel like a real, lived-in city. Even when we learn that some of its denizens turn to cannibalism, we only see like five or six people clawing at each other, rather than the Hieronymous Bosch-like hellscape of a people run amok that Cecil B. DeMille would surely have given us.
Oh yeah, so I talked about the gore. The Bible really went all Game of Thrones when it showed Nebuchadnezzer finally catching up with Zedekiah as he fled the city. In front of Zedekiah, he butchered the Israelite king's young sons, then declared, “A shame that is the last thing you will ever see.” He then proceeded to gouge out Zedekiah’s eyes the old-fashioned way — with his thumbs.
Thus began one of the darkest, but most influential, epochs in Jewish history: The Babylonian Captvity. Nebuchadnezzer’s armies drove the people of Jerusalem hundreds of miles in an epic trail of tears to Babylon, where, like they had been centuries earlier in Egypt, they would be slaves. The Israelites there would need a new kind of leader: one who lived by his faith more than by his sword. That man would be Daniel. Daniel followed in the tradition of Joseph as a man who could interpret dreams, and Nebuchadnezzer, like the Pharaoh of long before, was troubled with very bad dreams. He needed Daniel to tell him what they meant. Daniel said his vision of a golden head atop a wooden statue that shatters is symbolic of Babylon: the greatest of all empires, yet still doomed.
You could argue that Daniel is a sell-out, even a traitor for working so closely with Nebuchadnezzer. But this is what he needed to do to help his people survive. When his friends refused to bow before the Babylonian gods, Nebuchadnezzer threw them in a furnace. But the CGI flames didn’t sear their flesh! They lived, because their faith in God protected them, and they emerged from the inferno like the Mother of Dragons. Nebuchadnezzer shortly went mad, and ended up chained like a dog, while his empire crumbled around him.
Daniel’s dream proved correct. Babylon’s days were numbered, and soon Cyrus I (immortalized as Cyrus the Great), who had built Persia into a massive empire of its own, marched on the city and took it without firing an arrow. He didn’t immediately free the Jews, however. Partly because he really wanted to keep Daniel around so he also could have a dream interpreter. Cyrus’ other advisers were all threatened by this, so without the king knowing about it they threw Daniel into a lion’s den, which maybe isn’t as scary as being thrown into a furnace but is still pretty scary. (Whoever did CGI tiger Richard Parker in Life of Pi really should have been brought in to render these lions, because they kind of sucked. They certainly weren’t intimidating.) Cyrus found out about this, was really pissed that his advisers did this to his friend behind his back, and used this as an opportunity to let Daniel and his people go. Thus, the Israelites returned to Jerusalem and rebuilt the Temple of Solomon, an act for which Cyrus is enshrined in Judaism as “The Anointed of the Lord.” The Iranian Culture Ministry, which is planning a lawsuit against Hollywood producers and directors for promoting Iranophobia (like in Argo) should take comfort in the fact that on The Bible the Persians are the good guys.
NEXT: The Babylonian Captivity ends, and a beloved character with a massive following makes his Bible debut. Yep, Jesus.
Thus ended the Babylonian Captivity. This period in Jewish history was significant because it began to herald the end of the Old Testament Era, and the transition of Judaism’s view of God (or Yahweh) as sectarian, warlike, and jealous, to a God of compassion, redemption, and forgiveness. A God who will always be there in your time of suffering, as long as you have faith. In a sense God went from being the God of the Jews to the God of Everyone.
Maybe that theme is why the producers of The Bible chose to end their Old Testament coverage there (sorry, Maccabees, this is very much a Protestant reading that cuts you out completely) and skip ahead directly to a beloved character with a massive following. A character who’s inspired ardent fan devotion and the creation of multiple appreciation societies (or, rather, denominations). A guy who’s so adored that you could call him the Daryl Dixon or Boba Fett of The Bible. I’m talking about Jesus.
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Fast-forward five centuries to Nazareth in the time of Augustus Caesar. I thought at first Mary looked exactly like a young Roma Downey because Mark Burnett thinks his wife is so angelic and virginal that he wanted to cast someone who looks exactly like her, as a tribute. Actually, it’s because in subsequent installments Roma Downey really is playing Older Mary, so it’s just a craven set-up to cast the woman who’s sleeping with the showrunner in the star role.
Mary and Joseph are visited by Gabriel, who wears armor, and looks kind of badass, and they learn that God has found her hot and wants her to bear His child. It was important they explain this to Joseph, because in 1 A.D. if your fiancée gets pregnant before your wedding night your wedding present for her might be a bag of stones you hurl at her face. Oddly enough, in no versions of the Christmas story that I’ve ever seen depicted, nor read in the Bible itself, do we actually get an account of Joseph and Mary getting married. That’s just totally glossed over, like it’s too worldly of a detail to include in the account of the birth of Christ.
Meanwhile in Jerusalem, the Romans’ puppet king, Herod, is like something out of a John Waters movie. He’s morbidly obese yet wearing nothing but a massage towel when we first meet him. Herod’s taking some healing vapors, while leaches are covering his skin to draw out the sickly humours that affect him. After this introduction, we’ll only ever see him wear a muumuu. He’s the kind of guy who doesn’t even like to wash off the blood of the prisoners he’s personally executed before sitting down to dinner. We get it: he’s a bad dude.
Mary and Joseph make the journey to Bethlehem to be taxed. In this version there’s no interest in examining the identity of the donkey that carries Mary, who by this point is now very great with child. By my reckoning, there are at least two competing versions of who this donkey is in the annals of TV Christmas specials. There’s Rankin/Bass’ Nestor: The Long-Eared Donkey, which imagines the ass that carried Mary to Bethlehem as a quasi-Dumbo figure; and there’s also Disney’s The Small One, directed by Don Bluth, which imagines the donkey as old and frail, the beloved pet of a boy who has to sell him to support his family, and, lucky for him, sells him to Joseph! Both of those specials are more profound examinations of faith and love than anything I’ve seen on The Bible so far.
The depiction of the first Christmas itself was pretty low-key. The wise men showed up, but there were no angels overhead, and there were too few shepherds for my liking. This was not your idyllic Nativity scene.
The show then jumped ahead 31 years to when Jesus decided to begin his ministry. John the Baptist was taking a break from eating locusts to violently baptize some followers via total immersion in the River Jordan. Jesus, out of focus, walked forward slowly toward the camera like the way Bond is introduced in Skyfall, until we saw him in crystalline clarity. He gets baptized by John, then goes out into the desert where he meets Obama Satan. He resisted the temptations of socialism. Meanwhile, John had been captured by Herod Antipas, Herod’s son who’s now the self-proclaimed King of the Jews. In this version there was no creepy love triangle among him, his wife, and his stepdaughter, no sexy dance from Salome, no intoxicating commingling of eroticism and violence as Salome tells a hot-and-bothered Antipas that she wants John’s head on a silver platter in exchange for having gotten him horny. None of it. Not even a silver platter! John was merely beheaded off screen. End of story. What a letdown.
The episode ended with Jesus recruiting Simon Peter to his cause with an offer of fish, as Hans Zimmer’s pulsating, string-heavy score signaled the momentousness of the occasion. It sounded exactly like Zimmer’s final musical cues in The Dark Knight, because watching Batman ride his Batpod into the Gotham sunset is the equivalent of the start of Christ’s ministry. I’m surprised narrator Keith David didn’t say something like, “The Jews will find that Jesus is not the Messiah they need, but the one they deserve.”
So what did you think of last night’s episode of The Gospel According to Mark (Burnett)? Do you maintain that this is worthwhile television? Or is this the cheesiest damn thing you’ve ever seen? And did anyone else think this story is totally incomplete without the presence of Salome?
Follow Christian Blauvelt on Twitter @Ctblauvelt
[Photo Credit: Joe Alblas/History Channel ]
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It’s been nearly a month since “Sacrifice,” the high-seas adventure/Dead Calm homage that saw the death of Fauxmanda. In addition to recappers like myself heaving a sigh of relief over the fact that we wouldn’t have to keep using the word Fauxmanda, it seemed like Revenge was finally back on track. The Ryan Brothers were dispatched, Conrad Grayson was once again clearly the villain, and Emily herself had a newfound laser focus on her revenge scheme. Or so we thought. “Retribution” decided to do what Revenge always seems to do when it doesn’t know how to proceed: muddy the narrative waters and add even more extraneous characters! We’re right back to square one.
The episode began with a deliberate echo of the way the series itself began: Emily narrating her Hammurabi platitudes over an image of rolling waves. Retribution, an eye for an eye, is all about restoring balance. Even if retribution risks perpetuating a cycle of violence, such an unending cycle is preferable to letting the guilty go free, and all that Old Testament stuff. Of course, she was especially gunning for blood after Amanda died in her arms. She herself said that she’d just lost “one of the only people I’ve ever loved,” which makes it all the more unfortunate that the show had been keen on turning Amanda into a rival/poseur/threat for so damn long. How deep did that love for her doppelganger (in name only) go? Emily was so affected, in fact, that she seemed to want to shoot Conrad Grayson then and there. I mean, this situation could not be more desperate: Amanda’s dead, Jack’s in the hospital, and Nolan is on the verge of giving over a WMD computer program to save his girlfriend’s father from losing another finger. What’s a revenge-meister to do?
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On top of all that, Helen Crowley’s replacement, Mr. Trask (who you eagle-eyed readers noted last time was Mr. Guppy on Andrew Davies’ version of Bleak House) had decided to snoop around about Fake Amanda. Conrad told him she was in possession of a laptop with evidence that could incriminate all of them. So when Emily was at the Stowaway picking up Jack’s clothes she discovered the Initiative agent doing a scan of the place himself, posing as a lawman. No man with such bug eyes, thin lips, and pasty complexion could be up to any good. Shame that was pretty much the last we saw of him in this episode.
At the coroner’s, Charlotte was brought in to identify the body of her “sister.” You’d think Jennifer Jason Leigh’s Kara, who rushed to her daughter’s hospital bed when she was flung off a balcony rail, would be there too, no? I guess Revenge’s writers realized her character was such a mistake that she’s totally banished, even when this is one time that her presence would make some logical sense. Emily showed up at the coroner’s herself and saw Victoria was there as Charlotte’s escort. By now Emily and her nemesis reiterate their contempt for one other each time they’re in each other’s presence by emphatically stating each other’s names: “Emily.” “Victoria.”
RELATED: ‘Revenge’ Recap: Did This Show Just Get Good Again?
Of all the Graysons, Daniel seemed to be the only one having a crisis of conscience over Amanda’s death. First things first, he wanted to rob the Initiative of their prize by getting Nolan to delete the Carrion program. “Control-Alt-Delete, got it,” Nolan said in response. The thing is…who should he trust? Daniel probably is right that he should delete it, but Padma’s father will die if the Iniative doesn’t get their cloak-and-dagger-holding hands on it. Then again, for what apocalyptic purpose will the Initiative use Carrion? Like any geek, Nolan should realize that, despite his love for Padma, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one. No wonder he now answers the phone with, “Nolan Ross, life’s pawn.”
RELATED: ‘Revenge’ Recap: Victoria Packs Heat
So Jack was totally devastated by Amanda’s death, as was to be expected. Not certain if he was as devastated by her death as he was by Sammy’s, but that was man’s best friend, so come on. His grief burned bright for a moment, then quickly turned to a chill. Suddenly, it seemed that he needed to scratch the revenge itch against the Graysons as well. He would finish what his wife had started, and the first step to do that would be to get into Conrad’s good graces. He’d accept the mogul’s generous offer of paying his medical bills and thank him with obsequious gratitude like “I don’t know if I can ever repay you.” Conrad saw Jack’s phoniness and raised him, even allowing baby Carl into Grayson Manor. The cherry on top of Conrad’s own charlatanism was the flag pin he now wears to advance his craven political ambitions.
NEXT: Emily eulogizes Amanda…meaning she’s eulogizing herself. We’ve really gone down the Persona/Mulholland Drive female-personalities-merging rabbit hole haven’t we?
Jack decided that he wanted Emily to give Amanda’s eulogy. Which meant basically that she would have to give her own eulogy to someone else. Yes, this is majorly effed up. While Conrad made his own statement about Amanda’s death to the media, Jack began the first part of his revenge scheme against him by cracking open his late wife’s laptop. He needed that intel to use against the Graysons. The only problem was that he has zero computer skills, was never able to log in, and thus was dead in the water — not to make a pun, since his wife literally was dead in the water. He’d have to loop in Nolan. In the meantime, though, he did discover files among Amanda’s effects that showed she and Emily went way back and were even juvie buddies at Allendale. Meaning that Emily probably knew about Amanda’s vendetta against the Graysons and did nothing to discourage her from it, even though she was in terrible danger. Jack was not happy. To Emily, he was even all like, “Aw, you were worried it would ruin your perfect reputation?” Um, your wife was in juvie too, buddy. But it was an interesting glimpse. If Jack is this mad at her for concealing her past, imagine how he’ll fly off the handle when he learns she’s really Amanda. When he finds out, will he totally lose it? Or will he be so besotted with the concept of Amanda, that he’ll immediately forget about Fauxmanda, even though she’s the mother of his child, and embrace his second chance with his childhood sweetheart? Nolan, for one, discouraged Emily from revealing herself to Jack at this moment. He thought it would be like Jack losing his wife twice: once in death, another in realizing that she wasn’t who she said she was.
So Emily eulogized herself. I half expected a distraught Jack to climb on top of his wife’s coffin and ride it into her grave like Leland Palmer on Twin Peaks, but he kept it together. Victoria had a quasi-nice moment with Emily, in which she said that she was actually glad David Clarke had died so he wouldn’t be around to witness his daughter’s death.
As for Nolan, he decided to turn over the Carrion program to Padma, so she could give it to the Initiative and rescue her father. But come now. Surely that wasn’t the “real” Carrion program he gave her? Methinks Nolan has an ace up his sleeve. Perhaps a device that will allow him to expose the Initiative’s entire computer network?
Emily was also looking to throw away some crucial tech. When Aidan presented her with the revenge computer, she threw it into the sea. Sure, it had evidence on there to send Conrad and Victoria to prison, but then again she said, “My plan never had anything to do with going to prison.” Um, so what is your plan? A season and a half into this show, you can at least give us an idea of your goal right? I mean, as murky as Lost was, at least we always had a goal in mind: leaving the island. What could possibly by Emily’s endgame at this point?
So, hopefully brainstorming that endgame, Emily visited Amanda’s grave. Standing behind her was another mourner who said he couldn’t believe she was gone, that the Amanda he knew was a force of nature, that she burned his house down. Mason Treadwell? No. An African-American guy who called himself Amanda’s brother. Oh, right, foster brother! Because Charlotte’s Google search into Amanda’s past, which revealed her sister’s foster family, had to be setting up something. A shame that it’s a new character we’ve never seen before, in whom we have no investment, who will likely just be another red herring. Except that, since he knew the real Amanda at a slightly older age, he may be among the few who could actually expose Emily now. From the preview of next week’s ep, that sure seems to be the case.
Anyway, folks, do you think I’m being too hard on our favorite primetime sudser? Do you think Revenge has found its way back on track? Or was Emily right when she quoted Roger Moore and said "before setting out on revenge you first dig two graves”? Is one of those graves for this show itself?
Follow Christian Blauvelt on Twitter @Ctblauvelt
[Photo Credit: ABC]
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You know that feeling you get when you take the first bite of a warm, homemade, chocolate chip cookie? The one where you’re body gets all tingly and happy because you’re reminded of home and your childhood and life’s simple pleasures? Well, that’s the exact same feeling you’ll get when watching the Season 1 finale of ABC Family's excellent dramedy, Bunheads.
After 17 episodes of fast-paced, body-twirling fun, it’s time for ABC Family fans to lace up their slippers and put on their tutus for the last time this winter. The Season 1 finale, “Next!,” takes Michele to a magical and far off place — a.k.a. Los Angeles — to see if she still has what it takes to audition for a Broadway show.
RELATED: ‘Bunheads’ Siblings Sutton Foster And Hunter Foster Bond On Screen And Off
To get you excited for all the heartwarming moments, Hollywood.com chatted with Bunheads leading lady Sutton Foster about tonight’s anxiety-filled episode and plans for more Gilmore Girls crossovers.
”In the winter finale we actually see Michelle go on a full-on cattle call audition for a Broadway show, and she’s testing the waters to see if she wants to keep pursuing that dream,” Sutton says. “It’s actually pretty cool because they do it very authentically about what a cattle call would be.”
The episode will make your stomach churn and knees shake just like a real audition would. But in true Bunheads fashion, Michelle is not the only girl to make the drive all the way to Los Angeles — the girls follow her too! Boo, Sasha, Ginny, and Melanie all make the drive to Hollywood on an impromptu road trip and witness their teacher’s entire audition. They even decide to get in on the action as well.
RELATED: ‘Bunheads' Casts Sutton Foster's Mother — Exclusive
Foster says shooting the episode brought forth many déjà vu experiences from her auditioning days on Broadway. “There were 200 dancers in a room and I was one of them, and it was actually giving me anxiety because that’s what I used to do," she says. "I used to go on giant cattle call auditions, and all of the sudden I was back in that room and I was like, ‘Oh God! Oh god! It’s giving me anxiety!’”
This wasn't the first time the actress’ emotions have overwhelmed her on set. An admittedly huge Gilmore Girls fan, Foster says working with Liza Weil brought forth an overwhelming amount of Stars Hallow nostalgia. “She freaked me out the first time she was on!” Sutton says. “Same with working with Sean Gunn… It kind of throws you off because these are people that you’ve fallen in love with and now you’re acting with them. Liza is awesome and now we’ve actually become friends, so that’s freaky. It’s like ‘Oh my gosh! I can’t believe I’m friends with Paris Geller!’”
RELATED: ‘Bunheads' Finale Recap And Sutton Foster Talks 'gilmore Girls' Comparisons — Video
Now that we’ve seen a plethora of Gilmore Girls vets make their debuts in Paradise, who’s next? Sutton is crossing her fingers for Lorelai or Rory. “Well it would be awesome to work with Lauren [Graham] or if Alexis [Bledel] came that would be so cool," Foster says. "Even Sally Struthers, she would fit in so well in the Paradise family — she’d be such a crazy character. Anyone from Gilmore Girls is welcome in Paradise.”
What about a "where are they now"-type episode, with Rory Gilmore passing through town as a full-fledged journalist? “That would be so cool! That would be really really neat, like if she came in to do a story or something," Foster says. "Oh, I’m going to have to talk to [Creator] Amy [Sherman-Palladio] about this!” Fingers crossed our big idea makes it to the small screen if Bunheads is renewed!
You can catch the Season 1 finale of Bunheads on Monday, Feb. 25 at 9PM on ABC Family.
Which Gilmore Girls star would you like to see on Bunheads? Are you keeping your fingers crossed that the show is renewed?
Follow Leanne on Twitter @LeanneAguilera
[Photo Credit: ABC Family]
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Here we go. It's a two-day Bachelor event! Sean Lowe is a man downtrodden — grown weary in his quest for true love. But, lo! What an unfair situation for our perms-shirtless bachelor. He has lost his belief in love. Will anyone save him? And will he finally kick Tierrable the f**k out of the damn competition?
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But first! Behold the majestic vistas of Canada! Oh, Alberta and those Canadian Rockies! This landscape is home for our Greek God of a man, the most milquetoast-y of them all, Sean. He needs his harem to lead him back to the light. Winter is coming.
Chris Harrison reminds them they could leave at pretty much anytime, so they should keep their bags packed and their eyes peeled, for horrors are laced within the shores of Lake Louise. But at least the view is nice, eh? Too bad Tierrable is the worst, right guys? That's all the girls can talk about.
Catherine gets the first one-on-one date, and we're pumped that a seemingly normal gal is taking the lead (in our minds). Catherine has been played beyond the Wall (you know, just north of House Stark), and is waiting for the Whitewalkers to arrive. Luckily, they travel in style in a bus with Sean as their bus driver. It's glacier time! Put on your gear, gang, we're going to play on a glacier. "He always seems to fit in!" Yeah, that might be because of his utter vanillaness, or just because he's The All-American Everymandude Next-Door! Sean is — dare I say it — l-o-v-i-n-g it. He just seems to beam when he's with her though, huh? It is pretty sweet, we have to admit.
And so begins the reawakening of our all-American prince. There's a quiver, deep within his chest. A spark, a slow ember builds and suddenly — a castle! An igloo castle for two: can more could a lady ask for? And where else could a prince warm the cockles of his heart? Surrounded by ice, and snow, and love. A prince is reborn: "it just clicks with you."
Catherine gets deep with Sean and discusses the time she almost died, and saw a friend of her die literally directly in front of her. By a tree. Oh my good god, that is awful. To experience that, and at twelve years old? Unbelievable. Sean is literally googly-eyed and giggling when he gives her the rose. Sean has a ~cru-ush~! ABC's prince has begun to near the finish line, at long last. Girls are separating themselves from the pack.
Which was continued in the group date round of dating. Danielle was banished to the group date, as the only girl not to get a group date with Sean, giving Desiree her second one-on-one.
But before we get to the Tierrable part, let's get to the beginning of the group date. You know, that Lake Louise Tourist committee advertisement? The one with the dumb shark joke in the middle? Yeah, there was that. Tierrable is pissed they're not just going to be sitting around. Sean wants his all-American outdoorsy athletic sexy woman to also be able to endure arctic f**king temperatures and jumbo into the water to join a climb! Lindsay is really amped on it. No one else is. There's an EMT because they know it's dangerous and hypothermia is imminent. Selma is all 'oh hell-to-the-no' and no one wants to do it. Especially Tierrable who forecasts that "I might die."
'The Bachelor' Recap: Wheelin' and Dealin'
"No, I am from Baghdad. We don't do this," said Selma in the most hilarious quip of the life. "It's a once in the lifetime opportunity!" Sean protests. "No it's not! I could come back here and do this anytime," she retorts. Oh Selma, girl, preach.
Bring on the hypothermia! Jump around saying Sean's name, that'll keep you warm for sure. Words. AND OFF COMES THE SHIRT. (It had been a whole episode without it!) Everyone is alive! A whole new world has been unlocked! The mountains are singing their praises! AshLee had a mental breakthrough that she will NEVER do again! And then Tierra can't breathe. (I feel bad using her nickname at a time like this because she is definitely suffering from something.) She looks like she's freaking out.
We do need to stop this recap momentarily to send a PSA to the music department at The Bachelor: dudes, slow your roll! This is not Anne Hathaway ugly-cry-singing her way to Oscar gold. There is no need for an epically-orchestrated soundtrack. S**t is over-the-top. Cool it. Get an editor. Subtlety is everything. Less is more. She's drinking a coffee and whining about missing Sean. I mean hypothermia sucks but that music was better left for a Spielberg film not a dating competition reality series, ya dig?
The girls seem to have NO sympathy for Tierra. Which like, I mean I know she's melodramatic and -the worst- but like, yikes y'all. She's totally milking it to her Tierrable advantage, but like, let it slide, at least this once? If not for her health than for your own mental sanity? Even if she is mugging it up afterwards and being a certifiable nutter.
The girls are super-happy to not have Tierra on the date. Lesley felt "honored" to be holding his hand while she plunged to the depths of Lake Louise. Which, ugh, don't even get me started. I just can't. Sean "appreciates" Lesley so much. Which, oof. Appreciates? That might be the worst word choice ever. But Lesley is convinced they have the stuff, so who knows.
Tierrable is back, thank goodness. She's mad that Desiree is getting a second one-on-one, so she goes against suggestion and gets dressed and goes to the cocktail party because she's not had enough time with Sean. So naturally the conversation before she enters the room is all about Tierrable. A+, producers! She is quite literally walking in on all the girls s**t-talking her. The Tierrorist has arrived, y'all! (Ugh, I can't believe they thought of that one before me.) All the girls think she's faking it (which I don't totally believe, because, hey! Everybody's body is different! I mean, OK, maybe not on this show, but in real life they are. Lesley gets the rose because they've "turned a corner" which is reality-speak for he realized he might see more in her than just a cute face and figure. Tierrable is ANGRY that she didn't get the rose. It's not FAIR you GUYS she has been through A LOT and she DESERVES THIS. Not any of these other b**ches! Did they get hypothermia and almost die!?! NO!
You guys, I take it all back: Courtney Robertson's got nothing on Tierrable. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Courtney, I'm sorry for every bad thing I said, I take it all back. Tierrable may have usurped everyone as the A-No. 1 least-liked competitor on The Bachelor, ever.
'The Bachelor' Recap: S**t Shaken, Not Stirred, Feelin' Tierrable
Sean heads back to his room to sit pensively. He realizes he needs to send Sarah home. Apparently completely innocuous Sarah, Sarah who has done nothing offensive whatsoever and is a totally lovely lady, has come on too strong by saying she cares about her family. So now, it's time for her to go. And the second he starts talking she knows she's going home. Thankfully, ABC makes sure to keep this one drawn-out and as awkward as possible. The lengthy walk through the hallways of the hotel, the standing outside of the door just sitting around for no reason. And then the long goodbye, and the explanation that every guy says the exact same thing to her that Sean did. And, well gosh, I just felt for her, you know? So many girls feel that way, but she probably feels especially stigmatized because of her missing arm. See guys? Love is dumb: don't ever do it on national television!
Sean enters the room and every girl begins pouting. And somehow Daniella doesn't understand that the lack of dates for her means she's going home (obviously). BAMF National Park (oh, sorry, Banff. Less fun to say) has its turn on the tourist PSA stage, and it's time for a picnic and some casual pre-luncheon cliff-repelling. As you do. Also, Sean? FYI 400 feet does not a "mountain" make. You're going down a cliff. Not Everest. Stop overdoing it, please. People do this on walls at gyms all over the country. "You're dropping to your death! Oh no, I hope I don't die!" You are attached to a rope, you might trip and lose your balance, but you physically cannot fall, you are attached to a rope. But they've got to make it really epic, though, guys — because repelling down a cliff is just like a RELATIONSHIP! Metaphors or something! They did it. As Sean says "I'm so glad it was a rewarding day, for her." Seriously? Reward? Maybe a less-terrible-douchey-sounding word might've been a better choice there, Mr. Lowe. So don't sound like you're saying "Thank goodness for me, able to provide this woman with the reward of being in my company!" You might not have meant it that way, but damn if you didn't sound like it, dude. (Sidenote: Sean Lowe also wants his wife to be able to climb trees. She literally must be able to do everything. So go brush up on your ancient Greek and sun salutations, ladies!)
But enough about that and a bit more about Sean's amazing Christmas sweater sent from Heaven. It is the most ridiculous and therefore amazing sweater, ever. The oversized cowl-y deep v-neck? The red and the white patterning? It's incredible. Too bad Sean doesn't have the capacity to ever truly wear it well: there's no way that mug could grow a beard suitable for that sweater.
Oh, right, also Desiree was pretty much homeless for a time. She lived in a tent for a couple of months. So she doesn't care about money or superficial things. So she wants a family and love and the basic life essentials. "That's what I want my wife to want," Sean says. I can't help but shake my head. Does Sean Lowe really think women have to just be what HE wants and nothing more? At first I would have assumed "no! no one is still that neanderthal-esque, are they?" but now I'm not so sure. He thinks he could see himself proposing to Desiree. The frontrunner life is the good life, ain't it? You go from living your life in a tent to falling in love in a teepee (I PROMISE you those words were hers, not mine. Not even I could be that cheesy. Commence groaning).
Selma might be feeling bad that she didn't have the "courage" to jump into the hypothermia-inducing waters, so instead she'll go against everything she said before and kiss Sean on the family. She's all "I know it's a shame but SORRY I'M NOT SORRY lol!"
Anyone else creeped out by this weird blindfolding thing that AshLee did? Wow, she was like, crying, I thought it was going to go back to 50 Shades of Grey territory, he was leading her, they kissed, I mean…I just…that was so weird. I'm just uncomfortable. Which producer's idea was that? Who told AshLee that this dating competition was a sleep-away therapy camp? Is it mean that I think she's being a bit too vulnerable for television? It just seems excessive.
And at the rose ceremony, the blood of all the women begins to boil as Tierrable gets the final rose. Selma and Daniella are going home. After all that! The humiliation of her family! Her very dignity and poise. She's going home for a s**tty kiss with a heartbreak and a memory.
It's been an intense two days at the slaughterhouse Love Factory. So many broken hearts, lost love, difficult decisions, melodramatic days and nights. Next week? St. Croix and the U.S. Virigin Islands! 6 women and 1 shirtless Sean Lowe. A couple L-words and a lot more Tierrable s**t-talking to Sean. D-R-A-M-A, it never ends.
What did you think of tonight's episode? Are you as sick of Tierrable as we are? Let is all out in the comments, folks!
[Photo Credit: ABC]
Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes
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It’s just been a few days since news first broke that J.J. Abrams will be directing Star Wars: Episode VII but fans of that Galaxy Far, Far Away everywhere are still mulling over what exactly it means for the beloved franchise.
Not to mention that it’s still a shock that Abrams, who relaunched that other fountainhead of geek culture, Star Trek, in 2009, is going to be involved at all, given his repeated denials that he’d ever be at the helm. So what are the fans thinking? We asked three of the biggest names in all of Star Wars fandom.
RELATED: J.J. Abrams and Star Wars: Has the Lightsaber Been Passed to the Right Director?
“Half of me thought, ‘Of course,’” says Eric Geller, an editor at Star Wars fansite TheForce.Net, about when he heard the Abrams news. “And the other half thought, ‘But he already said no!’ And then the first half of me shouted down the second half because misdirection is as old as time in the movie business.”
Tracy Duncan, the editor and webmaster of Club Jade, a site devoted more to female Star Wars fans, agrees. “I was a little surprised when word about Abrams came down,” Duncan says. “The man was involved with Star Trek, has who-knows-what-else on his plate, and most importantly, had denied it twice!”
TheForce.Net and Club Jade are possibly the two best known of all Star Wars fansites and are repositories of geeky wit and insight.
Want to learn the latest scoop about anything related to the saga? Go to TheForce.Net and Club Jade. Want to take the instant temperature of Star Wars fans about how they feel regarding, say, Abrams being hired to helm Episode VII? Club Jade and TheForce.Net have you covered.
But for a real Lucasfilm insider’s take, you have to turn to Bonnie Burton. A senior editor and social media manager of Lucasfilm until last year, Burton is a massive force, pun intended, in Star Wars fandom. And she was decidedly less shocked that Abrams, whose Star Trek Into Darkness launches in May, would be trading Roddenberry for Lucas.
“I’ve interviewed him many times for StarWars.com, and he always told me how much he loved Star Wars, and was inspired by the films as both a writer and director,” Burton says.“In fact, when J.J. first met Damon Lindelof — who was wearing a Bantha Tracks t-shirt — he knew they would get along famously because he was part of the original Star Wars fan club. His work on Lost alone should leave no doubts of his appreciation for Star Wars and its impact on so many generations.” (We concur and have rounded up 10 Star Wars-inspired moments we’ve discovered on Lost.)
RELATED: 'Star Wars: The Clone Wars' Recap: Jon Favreau's Pre Vizsla Gets Mauled
Once the initial surprise of Abrams’ involvement has passed, the next big question becomes, “What can the man who created Alias and Lost and rebooted Star Trek bring to Star Wars?”
If you ask Duncan, it seems pretty clear. “Super 8 showed that Abrams has a handle on the '70s/'80s Spielberg aesthetic — I recall him actually being criticized for it a bit — that I think will serve Star Wars quite well,” Duncan says. “He's not a director that's ever looked down on making popcorn movies, which Star Wars very definitely is.
And he certainly seems to have a rapport with actors, which is something that this franchise has often lacked. Plus, Star Trek showed he's no slouch at action!” Star Trek and Star Wars used to be the matter and anti-matter of the geek world.
Combine them in any way and a rupture in the space-time continuum would surely result. Now Abrams’ Star Trek films are going to be scrutinized more than ever for how they might hint at the direction his Star Wars might take.
“If you look at how he handled the classic Trek characters in the 2009 reboot, they were pretty true to their 1960s depictions,” Geller says. “I think that bodes well for whatever involvement the Big Three [Luke, Han, and Leia] and their Original Trilogy friends have in Episode VII. And I liked the way Abrams made Kirk's family history a prominent part of the reboot. If the Skywalkers or Solos have kids and send them out on a mission in Episode VII, there's probably going to be an excellent parent-child dynamic to set up that action.”
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Abrams may also have the ability to expand Star Wars further beyond the boundary of the big screen. Lost was one of the first shows to extensively promote via social media and fake, Easter Egg-heavy tie-in websites. “He really understands transmedia, using the Internet as a way to create viral videos and interesting interactive content,” Burton says. “When I interviewed him around the time Fringe first started, I asked him what he’d do online to add to the Star Wars experience, and he said, ‘Online is the perfect place to have something like an interactive Senate where fans could represent different worlds and debate in character. I could see a giant Star Wars debate team tackle all the issues that the prequels dealt with and having characters from the movie moderate the discussion.”
Along with his puzzle-piece storytelling, Easter Eggs, emphasis on intricate plots about family relationships, and, yes, his prominent use of lens flares, Abrams’ defining aesthetic characteristic may be his ability to write and direct strong, empowered women. Star Wars has been criticized for not having as many kick-ass female characters as males.
“There have been some rumors about Episode VII having a female protagonist — something that’s long due — and Abrams is definitely a director who won’t shy away from that,” Duncan says. “I’d really like to see a Star Wars movie with more than one female lead character…And no metal bikinis!”
Burton takes a more generous view of the franchise’s representation of female characters. “Star Wars has always been full of strong female characters,” she says. “Princess Leia isn’t a wallflower. She manages to kill Jabba the Hutt with a chain all while wearing the most uncomfortable and draftiest costume ever created for a woman.”
But Burton also agrees that Abrams’ affinity for women will fit perfectly: “J.J. completely understands that Star Wars isn't an Old Jedi Boys Club, but full of opportunities to show women as warriors, leaders and a hell of a lot more than girlfriends and wives.
The women in J.J.'s previous projects like Sydney Bristow in Alias, Olivia Dunham in Fringe, and the women of Lost were all strong, savvy, brave and intelligent characters who refuse to buckle under pressure.”
Since fan speculation about Star Wars is an eternal pursuit, it’s not too early to begin thinking about who could direct other films beyond Episode VII — unless Abrams ends up directing the whole trilogy. Hey, if it's not too early to start thinking about 2016's presidential contenders, it's not too soon to think about who'll direct Episode VIII.
Considering possible also-ran contenders for the new movie, Duncan says, “I found the early Brad Bird rumors pretty hopeful, but there are several directors I could have lived with: Matthew Vaughn, Jon Favreau, maybe even David Fincher.”
As for Burton, Abrams was always her top candidate for the job, but she says she would like to have seen what Joss Whedon and Guillermo del Toro could have done with the House that Lucas Built. “On a side note, I would be thrilled if John Waters decided to do a sequel to the Star Wars Holiday Special. If anyone can redefine sci-fi camp, it’s Waters.”
See? Every Star Wars fan wants to see something a little different. Just maybe not that different.
Follow Christian Blauvelt on Twitter @Ctblauvelt
And also follow:
Eric Geller @ericgeller
Tracy Duncan @clubjade
Bonnie Burton @bonniegrrl
[Photo Credit: Scott Kirkland/INFphoto]
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The Oscar winner, her husband Michael Douglas and their kids are all planning to take the sacred journey to the Sangam, where India's rivers Ganges, Yamuna and Sarasvati meet, to purify themselves.
Hindus believe bathing in the waters will wash away sin.
The Kumbh Mela festival is held every 12 years - the last gathering set records in 2001 when more than 40 million people bathed in one day.
The current Kumbh Mela began on Monday (14Jan13) in Allahabad, and Zeta-Jones hopes to be a part of the event this year.
She was recently quoted by an Indian website as saying, "I really want to visit India again specifically during the Kumbh Mela pilgrimage and I'm told it is a sight to behold for the eyes and soul. I'm hoping to find what I'm looking for here. I'm trying to make this happen with my family. If that doesn't work out I'm definitely coming on my own."
And it seems she'll be more than welcome - Hindu statesman Rajan Zed tells WENN he'd be thrilled if the Hollywood star makes the pilgrimage to Sangam.
He says, "We Hindus welcome Catherine Zeta-Jones, but she and her family should come as pilgrims and not as tourists.
"In addition to immersing herself in the holy Sangam waters, she should also explore the rich philosophy which Hinduism offers. I would be glad to help in such exploration."

While we have been without our Floridian, ostensibly jobless friends since before the summer months, we can now thank TBS and a pair of new showrunners for reuniting us with the beloved militia of Cougar Town characters. Some might be wary of testing the waters of a non Bill Lawrence-led Cougar Town. Others might be deterred by the new cable station and 10 PM air time. Others still have never seen Cougar Town, and still think it's a show about Courteney Cox hitting on young dudes. But we know better than any of these fools. And we're ready to launch full swing into Season 4 of what has become one of the most strangely addictive comedies on television. But just in chase you're a bit rusty on your Cougar Town knowledge, here's a quick catchup to prepare you for Tuesday night's premiere...
Where We Left Off: The jarringly heartfelt Season 3 finale saw Jules marry neighbor nemesis fremesis friend boyfriend boyfremesis fiancé now husband Grayson on the beach (against Cougar Town's stringent "no beach weddings" law), with her father ordaining the ceremony, her son snapping photos, and all of her loved ones (and Tom) present for the occasion before the married couple rode off into the sunset (on a horse!) just in time to evade law enforcement. Additionally, Travis had presented his earnest feelings for Laurie in an emotional explosion fueled by wine and failing any conceivable dress code, apparently sparking some inkling of interest in Laurie despite her decision to stay with her boyfriend Wade. Ellie's still mean, Andy's still hapless, and Bobby's still vaguely brain damaged.
Best Moment of Season 3: For Scrubs fans, Cougar Town's meta acknowledgement of the extensive casting similarities between the two Bill Lawrence shows (star Christa Miller, supporting player Bob Clendenin, recurring player Ken Jenkins, and guest stars Sarah Chalke and Sam Lloyd... Zach Braff and Rob Maschio even made appearances to strengthen the joke). For Community fans, the 11th episode title card gag that read, "'I didn't know it was back on either' - Abed." For non-Scrubs/non-Community fans... well, those people don't actually watch this show, either.
Most Improved Character: All of the characters have grown substantially since the lackluster early days of the show, but the title goes to Bobby Cobb, who has evolved from a one-note dirt bag to a genuinely tragic, albeit hysterical character.
Least Improved Character: Dog Travis. We've seen almost no development with this guy.
Biggest Changes We'll See This Season: Aside from Jules' marriage and a potential relationship for Travis and Laurie subtly teased, the show has shifted networks from ABC to the cable channel TBS, and to the late hour of 10 PM. This means: more cursing! More sex jokes! More explicit alcohol abuse! Ellie can be meaner, Laurie can be more vivid in her description of her romantic escapades, and Bobby can be more inadvertently culturally insensitive. It's your call on whether these are good things or not.
5 Reasons You Should Keep Watching: To see what the show's new home, as well as its new showrunners, will bring to the flavor of Cougar Town; to win some more great Scrubs cameos (we're still waiting on you, Janitor!); to revel in the notion that someday, you can spend every single afternoon of your life relaxing in the paradise of your beachfront Florida home with your friends and family, getting drunk and shirking all conceivable responsibility; simply, to experience more Penny Canning, wine-indulging, and pop culture movie references; and of course, to see if Travis and Laurie do indeed end up together.
What We Ultimately Want to See: Cougar Town eventually turns out to be an extended Twilight Zone hypothetical, examining a human race devoid of any real drive or established code of morals or ethics.
What We'll Settle for, Since That's Absurd: More lighthearted alcoholism.
[Photo Credit: Justin Lubin/TBS]
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As four very wise gentlemen once said, it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. But it's not that hard really. You just have to wave your hand, remember where you went, and try to do a better job placing your foot next time. That's how we're moving away from the donkey turd that is Jersey Shore, the most important sociological experiment of our time. Yes, sociology is something you're supposed to learn from and now that we have processed the lives and maturing process of the North American Guidous Americanus, we should know how to avoid getting mired in this reality swamp once again (or at least until Buck Wild premieres in two weeks).
As long as we're learning from the guidos, let us look at our last glossary entry so we know just what they hell they are talking about.
Gooey Vuitton: The act of shitting in a woman's purse. It is not that often one has an opportunity to soil a pocketbook, but it is one of only two ways to break an ancient curse. The other is peeing on a woman's car.
Yes, that is correct, we are talking about the ultimate prank that Paula pulled on The Situation and the rest of our little clan of guidos. For those of you just joining us (and, if you are, then you are an idiot because this show really went downhill after Season 3, so why you're just watching the finale is about as dumb as having an AA meeting at Karma) the organizing philosophy of guido life is a complicated set of tenets known as Guy Code and Girl Code, which only allows for men to associate with men and women to associate with women, with the one exception of being those who are interested in engaging in an act of sexual congress or who have started a long-running monogamous relationship. According to these rules, Paula, The Situation's wronged ex, is not allowed to talk to him.
But there is one other way that men and women can settle their scores: pranks. These are pseudo-comical stunts that one gender pulls on the other to settle some grievance. Once a successful prank is pulled the grievance is forgotten, but another prank can be pulled for retribution. This is the sort of tit-for-tat that we saw last night when DJ Paulie D and Vinny tried to move Sammi's bed and popped it, they were getting her back for locking them out on the porch one night. Anyway, more on that later, we need to get back to Paula for the ultimate prank ever.
Paula is one of the high priestesses at the guido temple in the tanning salon and she has been communicating with The Situation by leaving him notes when he comes tanning. Then, one day, when JWOWW and Sammi come in, her coworkers give them two cakes to take to The Situation along with a birthday card. They take the cakes home, everyone eats the cake and sprays crumbs all over their decimated carpet while laughing at how Paula is obsessed with The Situation. The next time everyone goes into the tanning salon, another of Paula's fellow priestesses says, "Did you guys eat those cakes?" And Sammi and Ronnie say, "We didn't but The Situation and some others did." The priestess tells them that's too bad because some guy put his balls all over the cake. She then shows them a picture of this man's nuts in the frosting to prove it to them. Sammi and Ronnie tell the rest of the crew this news and it sends a terror through the house.
Now, while this isn't necessarily unsanitary (well, it kind of is) it is an ancient curse that has plagued the guido race for generations. The problem with Guy Code and Girl Code is that it sets up not only a competition between the genders but also one within the genders. The Situation is the alpha dog of the house, setting the schedule and tone for their activities. However, now he has been decimated by this prank, his masculine power has been sapped. Why? Because the essence of another man has been placed on his food and he has ingested it. His genitals are no longer his own, they are owned by another man. And not just another man, but a man did this at a woman's urging so this means that another woman really has the upper hand over The Situation. This is why he can't beat Jionni at football. This is why he can't get laid. This is why his largest source of income is now over. It's the ball cake.
The Situation, knowing that he has been cursed and the only way to assert his dominance is to either shit in Paula's handbag or piss on his car, he still calls her to verify that she did put balls on his cake. She pretends like she can't hear him and he is enraged. He is so enraged that he throws the Duck Phone, the guido's household god, into the wall and then steps on it, crushing it into a little pile of plastic and circuits. But no one hears the hissing, the electrical hum of its spirit being loosed from its body. The great vengeance of the Duck Phone has been unleashed and it will take down those that disparage it, those that sully its human form. It floats up above the house, over the shore, getting larger and larger as it dissipates into the air and forms itself into a cloud of anger, a dark rolling thunderhead that will one day come back to unleash its mighty fury at the desecration that has been performed on this day.
This all started because of a prank, as did the final fight between Sam and Ron that we will ever see. Ronnie is pissed that his inflatable bed was popped. Now, I'm sorry, I have spent the better part of three years dedicated to the study of guidos and I have no idea why they would want to sleep on a glorified air mattress. Maybe it's to seem like they're camping all the time? Maybe it's because no house ever feels like a home? Maybe it's because they feel the most comfortable when it seems like they're crashing on someone's floor. Who knows? Anyway, even though Vinny popped it, he blames Sam because they never would have pranked her if she never pranked them. She doesn't apologize and he doesn't talk to her for an entire day and finally she is like, "What is your problem?" and they sit out on the porch and he threatens to break up with her and it's the same old Love Ballad of Sammi and Ron-Ron all over again.
But then something happens. Something different and strange. Once the pressure has been released Ronnie goes into their room and, right there next to the bad, sagging like a 60-year-old in a bikini, he apologizes. And she apologizes. They kiss and make up and say they love each other and it's over. They're back together. No more drama. Have these two grown up? Are they finally in a mature and equal relationship? It seems like they are. It seems like they will move in together, as they plan to and all of their parents agree is a bad idea. It seems like they'll get married and have some kids and maybe use their money to open a small store and people will come in to see them and year by year, little by little, the people who visit just to see Ron and Sam from that old TV show will slow to a trickle. But they'll have their store and their nest egg and their children and their annual blow up that releases all that pent up aggression they have for each other. It seems like they'll have that forever, or at least until Ronnie cheats and Sam files for divorce and remarries some boring guy who does everything she says. It seems like one of these things will happen. It seems like they have finally discovered the meaning of "done."
In the wake of the Great Duck Phone Massacre of 2012 and Sam and Ron's final fight, there was not much else to report from this final dispatch. There was a bonfire on the beach and everyone invited their friends and family. Know who was missing? Ryder! What happened to Snooki's best friend? Is she out of the picture? I always loved her. That happened and it started off a wave of nostalgia among the roommates that carried them through their final day together. They sat on the roof and read their lines off of cue cards and hit all the talking points they were supposed to discuss, reliving the highlights, starting with the "Snooki punch," which they now refer to in the popular vernacular, talking about it not as a personal experience but a national phenomenon. The media has taken over their discussions even of their own lives.
The next morning they all gather for breakfast and then pack up their belongings for the last time. I was hoping that they would leave one at a time, as is customary, leaving a pregnant Snooki alone in the house to show the transformation that the crew has really undergone, but they did not. They all gathered in the street out front to shed a tear and pretend like there weren't throngs of people watching them film their final scene. JWOWW cries and says that her life is now perfect because of this house. She looks back at it and she is right. It isn't a house, it is a two-story lottery ticket. Yes, her life is perfect. She is rich and famous for doing nothing but impressing some casting directors and being her drunk, aggressive, wonderfully disastrous self. That is the American dream right there, that individuality can somehow be commodified and drag the poor out from their humble circumstances and catapult them to the top strata of society. That is the real promise of the reality age, that if we can just genuinely be ourselves we will be rewarded – if not accepted – for it.
They all stand there and cry and talk about how their lives have changed and there is a minute where they all just stare up at the house, looming over them, their eyes blinking in the sun as its shadow tilts imperceptibly a degree to the south. That is when Snooki feels it. A rumble in her belly. It feels maybe like gas or maybe it's baby Lorenzo. She feels him spin around and she gets light in the head and she sees something, not with her eyes but with her mind. It's as if a spirit is trying to tell her something. She looks at the house, not as it is now, but as it is in the future. She sees it standing alone on a pile of sand. There is sand everywhere and all the other houses are destroyed. Their roofs are ripped off and their walls moldy with flood waters. She sees the boardwalk ripped down by some brute force. The Shore Store is gone as is Beachcomber and Aztec. Everywhere she spent her youth is gone. The Ferris wheel they all enjoyed has toppled and the roller coaster that she screamed on so many times as she clutched her stuffed animals is sunk under the ocean, barnacles clinging to its smooth white posts.
They all sit there thinking about how much they have all changed, but everything around them has changed. The world has changed and Snooki sees that it will change some more. That this place will never be the same again. It won't even exist. It isn't that hard to say goodbye to yesterday, but greeting tomorrow will leave you a blubbering mess. It will ruin you. The future, with its tentacles of uncertainty, will strangle you right where you stand. Snooki feels something closing around her throat and she raises her manicured hand and rests it on the top of her bosom. "You guys," she says, stifling something back. She wants to tell them, she wants to tell them all what is coming, about their future, about the storm that they can't even see forming as little wisps of vapor thousands of miles away. But as she opens her mouth to tell them a loud belch comes out instead. Everyone laughs and heads for their cars. That Snooki will never change, they say. She will always be the same. She knows that isn't true, but she doesn't say anything. It must have been gas all along.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: MTV]
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