If the President Barry H. Bamz (D-Choom Gang) thinks medical marijuana might be good for you, who are we to argue?
CNN’s chief medical correspondent Sanjay Gupta, a vocal supporter of the legalization of medical marijuana, asks Obama in the documentary [“WEED 3″]if he supports the goals of a historic Senate bill introduced in March that seeks to make several major changes in federal law, including drastically reducing the federal government’s ability to crack down on state-legal medical marijuana programs, encouraging more research into the plant and reclassifying marijuana as a less dangerous drug.
Read more on President Obama Is Maybe Cool With You Tokin’ Up, For Your ‘Health’…

They found it! You’re not getting it back, though, so don’t rush out for a bottle of lube yet. Yes, archaeologists have discovered a very well-preserved 250-year-old dildo in an old latrine in Gdańsk, Poland. It is very … well, it’s very unique! We always wondered what people in the 1700s sticked up their sex holes (no we didn’t), but now we know! According to Discovery News, that clam pounder right there is big and girthy and it’s “made of leather filled with bristles, and has a wooden tip.” That sounds … kind of painful? But hey, it was the 1700s, you ram your junk with the technology you have, not the technology you wish you had.
Read more on Did You Misplace Your Dildo During The 18th Century? If So, Good News!…

Yes, it’s another Derp Roundup, where we steam-clean our browser tabs of stories that were too stupid to ignore, mix the slurry with booze, and serve it up to you. Consume carefully!
Read more on Derp Roundup: Rand Paul Explains How Not Deporting People Is Just Like WW II Internment Camps…

From Thursday’s Rachel Maddow Show, a story of love, loss, and redemption from Poznan, Poland. In its farm animal exhibit, the Poznan Zoo has a pair of donkeys, Napoleon and Antosia, who really like each other. They’re inseparable. So inseparable that over the 10 years the zoo has had them, they’ve had six foals or whatever babby donkeys are called. And so inseparable that some Polish moral majority types complained about their children witnessing unbridled Donkey Lust to a local official, Lydia Dudziak, who then complained to the zoo, which separated the donkeys, placing them in pens separated by a chain-link fence.
Read more on Rachel Maddow Brings You A Tale Of Polish Teabaggers Vs. Amorous Donkeys…

Just in case you were worried that we hadn’t heard enough stupid ideas from the Git Tuff On Roosha wing of the GOP, Ted Cruz weighed in Monday with his own suggestions for what could be done about Russia’s invasion of Crimea: Instead of just imposing wimpy mom-jean sanctions on Russia, how about going full Cold War and moving some antiballistic missiles into Eastern Europe, so Putin knows we Mean Business?
“Beyond sanctions and aid to Ukraine, the most important thing we could be doing right now, with respect to Russia, is installing anti-ballistic missiles in Eastern Europe,” Cruz said in an interview.
“Appeasement has not worked,” he added. “After more than five years of being unwilling to stand up to Putin and Russian aggression, it is time for the United States to honor our commitments to our friends.”
Yeah, damn straight — just like how George Bush got Putin to pull out of those Georgian territories in 2008. Nothing says “get out of Crimea” like a bunch of antiballistic missiles in Poland, which would clearly tell Putin that we will not tolerate a nuclear attack. Read more on Ted Cruz Will Ram Missiles Down Putin’s Throat In A Firm And Manly Way…

Hello Americans. Today we are writing very slowly, because we know that you don’t read very fast. Or good. And we promise to stay away from complicated math, simple math, and any scientific theories more complicated than gravity, because apparently our kids isn’t learning very good. At all. According to a test administered to 15-year-olds all over the world, per The Hill, “U.S. students failed to reach the top 20 rankings in math, science or reading, according to the National Center for Education Statistics, which organizes the data.”
We’re number 1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1!!! Let’s sexplore what who is more smarter than us. Read more on American Kids Not Getting Dumber, But Not Getting More Smarter Either…

Right on the heels of suspending the “Bling Bishop,” New Pope has another misbehaving European prelate on his hands: Archbishop Jozef Michalik, the head of the Polish Episcopate, who kind of made everybody in Poland groan and slap their foreheads (we hope?) for suggesting that children abused by priests share some of the blame for getting themselves raped:
A child from a troubled family, Michalik told reporters, “seeks closeness with others and may get lost and may get the other person involved, too.”
Yes. If these troubled children would just stop being so darned seductive and pouty and vulnerable and most importantly alone, then adult men would not be tempted to do sexual predation on them. That’s just basic psychology, straight from the gospel of personal pedophile responsibility. Read more on Polish Archbishop Knows What Causes Pedophile Priests: Divorce, Porn, And Those Slutty Abused Kids…

America is Number One in everything. We are the bestest country on the goddam planet because we have huge dicks and trucknutz and guns everywhere and democracy and robot drones that kill whoever the fuck we want and Osama Bin Laden is Dead and GM is Alive and Lee Greenwood and bald eagles and Honey Boo Boo and purple mountains majesty and FUCK YEAH! So naturally we have the best health care in the world, too, right? Take it away, Mother Jones:
A new study in JAMA … compares American health outcomes with those in other rich countries. Overall, we’re now in 28th place, sandwiched in between Chile and Poland.
There is only one logical response: SUCK IT POLAND. Read more on U.S. Is Number One at Being in 28th Place for Health Care!…

Who ELSE can Romney offend, now that he is done insulting England, praising socialism (seriously), scheduling a $50,000 per plate fundraiser on a national day of fasting set aside to commemorate Holocaust victims, making thinly veiled anti-Semitic comments praising Israel’s “business acumen,”and basically telling Palestinians that they suck for being poor? A Palestinian official summed up our thoughts exactly when he said, “What is this man doing here? Yesterday, he destroyed negotiations by saying Jerusalem is the capital of Israel, and today he is saying Israeli culture is more advanced than Palestinian culture.” Indeed. What IS this man doing here, and would you like to exchange him for Rick Santorum or Michele Bachmann, because we can maybe work that out for you! Anyway, you are thinking that there is no one left that he can possibly insult, but you are WRONG, there is someone, and it is you and your intelligence.
Read more on Mitt Romney Did Not Say Any of the Things You Heard Him Say…

Here is a Romney press secretary telling the shouty press corps assembled at the Polish Tomb of the Unknown to “shove it” and “kiss [his] ass” and “show some respect.” THEY ARE AT A HOLY SITE! (Actually, reporters, dude’s kind of got a point about that one.) They’re so cute, though! GOVERNOR ROMNEY! WHAT ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU ARE A DUMB IDIOT? GOVERNOR ROMNEY! WHY DO YOU SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS ALL THE TIME, WITH YOUR MOUTH? Even Greta Van Susteren has been a-bitchin’ and a-whinin’ about the lack of press access to Romney on his awesome world tour, kvetching that the press were being penned up like a “modified petting zoo.” Read more on Success! Romney (Barely) Ends Foreign Trip Without Savage Brawl Between Campaign And Press…

Whatta we got in the local clip ‘n’ save today? “Mitt Romney’s campaign is considering a major foreign policy offensive at the end of the month that would take him to five countries over three continents…” HMMMMM. You have to wait until you *win* the presidential election to launch world war, dingus. And then it’s perfectly acceptable. But maybe the rules are different for Republicans. What nations shall Mitt Romney delight with his arsenal of good humor, competitive sport, and decline? Read more on Mitt Romney Considers First Ever Global War Tour!…

There we were, trying to find stupid Donald Trump or someone on the teevee — because this is our life, people. This is our life. And all of a sudden, there was Barack Hussein NOBAMA!!! hanging a medal around the neck of OG farmworker hero Dolores Huerta. It was no stupid Donald Trump, but we guessed it would have to do! The fun thing about the Presidential Medal of Freedom is the president gets to personally pick his or her (haha right) heroes, and while we imagine it’s also VETTENINGED to death by his or her (haha right) staff, it still gets that personal flava. ALSO it is fun in an election year to put on our Politico hat and decide that everything is a baldly partisan bid to shore up constituencies, and so you have your Dolores Huerta (‘Spanics), your founder of the Girl Scouts (girls), your John Glenn (Ohio, the moon), your Toni Morrison (awesome old ladies with Medusa hair), your Shimon Peres (Jewishes), your Bob Dylan (hippies, boomers, jerks who think it’s cool to wear shades to your Medal of Freedom honoring), your Madeleine Albright (girls, Jewishes, secretaries of state). And then there was Pat Summitt. Read more on Why Is Barack Obama Politicizing The Presidential Medal Of Freedom?…

Father to Morning Joe cohost Mika Zbrezinzszkzy and Poland’s former intelligence chief Zbigniew Siemiatkowski has been charged with violating international law and “unlawfully depriving prisoners of their liberty” by helping the CIA to set up a “black site” Qaeda (and, of course, “Qaeda-accused” and “Qaeda-adjacent”) prison in Poland. This is excellent news for Dick Cheney! Read more on Apparently You Can Get In Trouble For Helping CIA Run Torture Gulags Now…

Uhhh, move over Anthony Wiener? Leftist Polish parliamentary candidate Katarzyna Lenart has made a campaign ad using …some kind of calculation, hard to say what, that taking off her clothes for the Internet will somehow get her in to office. It’s not even the first time Polish lady pols have stripped to get votes, either. You are weird, Polish Parliament.
Read more on Polish Candidate Tries Stripping To Get Votes…

Eddy Moretti and VBS Teevee traveled to Poland to interview former Polish president and Nobel Peace Prize winner Lech Walesa. They talked about dead Popes, and also how Glenn Beck is a total jerk. Our very own Liz Glover co-produces this teevee series, so you know it’s quality stuff! Watch:
Read more on Former Polish President Knows Glenn Beck = Manipulative Turd…