Things You Shouldn't Say

These are the same rules that we all deal with everyday. We've all learned how to interact with other human beings without seemingly like complete retards.

Well... Most of us.

Basically, anyone that has never played on Xbox Live.

I'm used to these rules.

I'm pretty good at following these rules.

Only occasionally will I scream "F#@%tard" at the people I meet during the day.

But no one told me that there was a whole new set of rules for dealing with a pregnant woman. Is that really fair? Is it fair that they get to make up new rules like that just because they're pregnant?

Today, I was just making some normal, run of the mill small talk when Susan just lost her freakin' mind.

[GM]Dave>> Hey, honey.[GM]Dave>> Any people fall out of you today?Susan>> That's not funny.[GM]Dave>> Of course it is.Susan>> It wasn't funny at the mall.Susan>> It wasn't funny when you called me at work.Susan>> It certainly wasn't funny at my aunt's funeral.[GM]Dave>> The priest laughed.Susan>> Just knock it off.[GM]Dave>> Are you okay?

See that right there? That's a very important tactic when dealing with women.

Sometimes you need to pretend to care.

Basically, look concerned and then nod when their lips stop moving.

Susan>> No, I'm not okay.

And nod.

Susan>> I don't like being fat like this.Susan>> It's not fair.[GM]Dave>> Honey, you're not fat.Susan>> *sniffle*Susan>> Really?[GM]Dave>> Well...[GM]Dave>> Not that fat.

Dave, Jormy can NOT save you on something like that. Trust me, been there, done that... got the scars.... and the limp, the bent posture and the slight facial tic to prove it.

There is a safe response, works in almost all circumstances, except the delivery room. For that I'd suggest at least chain mail, and a carbon steel cup, um "codpiece".

Simply look straight into her eyes, and place an expression of extreme caring and sincerity on your face (I find that simulating that feeling you get 2 hours after having the vending machine burrito that you "weren't quite sure tasted right" is an almost perfect substitute) and say....

"You have never looked more beautiful..." slowly, distinctly and if possible in a Barry White voice, will get you out of almost any situation.

LMAO when I was pregnant, I knew I was fat. I mean come on here girls, you have a huge gut sticking out. Uncomfortable, annoying, keeping you up all night. Have some humor. My ex looked at me and out of nowhere and said "Honey you are glowing, do not ever think you are fat please" I told him, first of all that glow is sweat from puking 24/7. Second of all, I am fat, my ass is gone, my boobs are big (which wasnt a bad thing) I walk like a retard and i cant sit without going through a tactics method for it. He just looked at me in total shock. Gotta make light humor and be less hormonal. More miserable around guys walking on eggshells then just laughing it up.

It will get better, just wait til the last trimester when *ahem* the little woman goes into overdrive. Be sure to pick up some soothing ointment and some lube cuz its gonna be a spawn camp from hell with all the 'taggin you' will be asked to do. Did i say asked? I meant compelled.

Well Dave, I have just started reading your blog a month ago, and I have to say its pretty funny. at times. well, 99% of the time. The only problem I have is that, while I may have the same view of stupid people on Final Fantasy as you do, after reading your blog I have found myself actually started to become more sarcastic (read blatantly telling stupid people to piss off and to leave me the hell alone). I blame you for this and praise you for this.