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Friday, March 11, 2011

High Maintenance Table #1

I had my first high maintenance table at my new job recently and you know I have to blog about it. When the group walked in, I was warned by the bartender that they might be a problem. "They're nice, but..." I got the drift. I greeted the family and asked how many people were in the group. "I dunno, five or six." You don't know how many people are in your family? It ended up being five of them so I took them to a booth and as soon as they sat down the Mom laid a heavy sigh out on the table. "I need a glass of Cabernet right away," she said like she had just gotten through negotiating a peace treaty with Col. Moammar Khadafy and she was dead beat tired. As I opened my mouth to ask if anyone else at the table was in need of a drink, she waved her hand and said, "Just go get mine right now, thanks." Okay. I can see where this is going. I am going to make multiple trips to the table, fine. When I returned with the oh-so-needed wine, I saw that all the candles from surrounding tables had been moved to their table so the kids had light to read their books. While I applaud the children's need to read, I now had to go scour the restaurant to find three more candles to put on the now naked tables beside them. Mom spoke up again. "We come here all the time and the chef always makes our kids some pasta with butter, can we just order that now? Thanks, they're starving." Although she made it sound like the chef does this as a huge personal favor just for her and her precious bundles of brat, when I asked him about it, he told me there is a key for it on the computer. So it's not like he does it just for this bitch like she thought. I ordered their pasta and then went back to see what the grownups wanted for din din.

"Now does the chicken come with a vegetable or just the potatoes?" Mom asked. I admitted, being new I was not positive but was pretty sure it was just potatoes. I was also thinking, "Bitch, I thought you came here all the time..." I confirmed it was just potatoes and then the Grandma ordered a hot tea. Of course she did. "Do you have any herbal?" I told her we do and that I would bring out the choices for her. Mom said, "Just don't ask him what kind, because he won't know the answer. Hardy har har, I'm so funny. Snort pig, snort pig, rutabaga, rutabaga." I smiled. The husband was decidedly quiet throughout dinner, probably because he gave up a long time trying to insert any kind of opinion to his wife who obviously wore the pants, the boots, the suspenders and the strap-on in the family.

I noticed Mom had an empty glass of wine and knowing how badly she wanted the first one, I offered her another. "Oh, not now." Two minutes later she called me over to order another glass of wine. Bitch, I was just there. She liked to have control, so since it was my idea that she have another glass of wine she shot it down. But when it's her idea, it's a real gem. The children eventually got tired of reading and one of them thought it was fun to constantly get up from the table with her umbrella and go outside for thirty seconds and then come back to the table to let everyone know she had just gone outside. Newsflash: your daughter just went outside in the rain. Eight times. Each time, getting in my way and getting the floor more and more wet. My kingdom for a bottle of Crazy Glue that I could have smeared in her seat.

They finally finished and left me a good tip. It wasn't that they were crazy rude or mean, just annoying. I made more trips to that table than I did any other table all night. People like that use us servers as their own personal servants. They say "please" and "thank you" but only because they feel they have to, not because they mean it. And then they leave a 20% tip to make themselves feel okay about being so freaking annoying. That's fine. I'll take 20% for annoying, Alex.

10 comments:

Monica
said...

Na, if I want specific things, I let the server know all at once, when I order. I like extra biscuits at one place I go, and they know me by now, but I still let them know so they can bring them at their convenience, not mine. If I want extra sauce, I tell them when I order, so they don't have to make an extra trip. I try and help as best I can ^-^

It never ceases to amaze me how thoughtless people can be. I have 8 kids and when we go out they know to stay seated, they all order the same drink to make it easier on the server. They know the punishment for being annoying is death!

Ohh! I feel like I know this family or certainly there are others like it. A little demanding with odd kids and special orders for the kids. Ours had to have milk shakes that were not on the menu. good tippers, demanding and odd. Yep you will wait on them again and they wont run you quite as hard. cause you will have some of this dumb stuff down. don't know how to stop that running outside maybe that is only in the rain. Great post.

I'm not a server, but I thought about you a hundred times today!! I set up, maintain, and take down the breakfast bar at a hotel, as well as doing all the dishes. Most of the time it's no biggie, but today it was a hockey team of 12-year-old boys, 4 siblings each, parents all around, plus 100 other "guests," and I was fucked running. I never was sure why people get so bothered by kids - I think they're cute! I'm thinking of popping one out of my coots someday! Except when there are any more than two - on in this case - 7-10 kids at a time, in my way, unaware of their surroundings and knocking into me when I could have dropped 30 lbs of plates on their precious little heads, I GOT IT.

...Then I realized that every. single. parent. was FULLY taking advantage of the fact that they don't have to clean up after their kids while they are in a hotel! So I bussed 60 tables of crummy soggy shitty chairs for what is for them a FREE continental breakfast.

Fucked, I tell you. Um... I should get my own blog for the bitching. But not really.

I think in some states there is a law that permits waiters to bitch slap adult customers who act like this and tie children to chairs with plastic handcuffs. At least there should be if there is any justice in the U.S.