Missing Paperwork

Tom English’s throwaway remark yesterday (I say ‘throwaway’ as it is probably best put in the bin) about the ‘new club’/ ‘old club’ nonsense got the reaction it deserved from Twitter.

One of the most pointed comments I saw in response was from @mattleslie74, a Hearts fan who knows a successful CVA when he sees one, and who is possessed of critical faculties which are not easily insulted.

This caused me to ponder the whereabouts of the document proving that the incorporated Rangers Football Club exited administration. After all, they absolutely must have one if Sevco is the ‘same club’ as Rangers, mustn’t they? And the apparent rejection of the CVA in 2012 by an army of creditors must have been a figment of our imagination, mustn’t it?

Top Clumpany analysts have turned their minds to these questions and identified some possible locations for the missing documentation.

Tom English has folded it into an origami duck. After all, “if it quacks like a duck, looks like a duck”… etc…

Chris Jack is using it as a bookmark in his favourite Orwell book.

Clyde SSB are using the back of it to write out the one script that will be used in every single show this year.

Martin Williams has it and has written “Hearts died in 1905” across it.

Hugh Keevins has drawn a picture of the 2016-17 Sevco squad on it and is predicting it will win the league, getting Brendan Rodgers and Ronny Deila the sack.

Keith Jackson is using it as dressings on the wounds sustained by every single Sevco player at the end of the Scottish Cup Final.

Someone mistakenly wrote a “please come and work for us” note to the Nomad that the new Sevco regime seemed to have lined up in February/March 2015. And then nothing more was heard of it…

Someone decorated it to look like an aeroplane ticket to help everyone at Sevco pretend they had qualified for Europe after all.

It has a Rangers* trademark on it and the ‘club’ mistakenly withdrew permission to publicise it when withdrawing similar rights from Rangers Retail/ Sports Direct.

It is – quite literally – papering over the cracks at Sevco. Rumours that this must make it a World Record-sized piece of paper remain unconfirmed.

It has been folded to provide a cheaper alternative to ‘jetting in’ when new Sevco players arrive.

Sportscene have it lined up to be a pundit on the basis that it can offer better insight than Pat Nevin.

Peter Lawwell lost it at the same time he misplaced the Celtic board’s public statement on Resolution 12…

I am sure there are many other possible locations for this fabled document. Indeed, I wouldn’t be surprised if a future Indian Jones film has our ageing hero searching the four corners of his retirement home for it. I can see it now: “Indiana Jones and the Complete Pile of Liquidation-Denying Bullshit”*.

[*Certificate 2012. Screenings to include unlimited supplies of free popcorn.]