I’ve been watching Al Roker as he attempts to break the world record for weather reporting. He’s staying on the air for 34 hours, taking one 5 minute break every hour, before going back to weather reports about your neck of the woods. By hour 21, he looked completely exhausted. People would pass by on the street and wave at him and he would limply wave back then continue talking about frost warnings in Poughkeepsie.

It reminded me of the Simpsons Halloween episode where Homer eats the devil’s donut and goes to Hell. “You like donuts? Well, here’s donuts forever.” The irony is he eats more donuts than even the devil could fathom. But Al Roker isn’t Homer, and neither am I. I love pasta, Al loves the weather, but not THAT much.

I went to a party over the weekend and everyone asked how I felt about the Pasta Pass ending. I was honest. Totally excited. As fun as it was, the Pasta Pass had become a pasta burden. Yesterday, I was getting a salad for lunch and noticed that the to-go box looked like the ones they use at Olive Garden. I had pasta trauma, PTSD.

On the last day of the Pasta Pass, I was in Alhambra. I had dinner and was writing with my friend Jenny when 9pm rolled around. I knew I needed at least half an hour to schlep it back to Glendale so I downed my sugary coffee and headed for one last pasta pick up.

I called in my to-go order. Stacey picked, because of course she did. I got a Fettuccine Alfredo with Chicken Fritta and for my side a Zuppa Toscana. She said she hadn’t seen me in awhile. I had seen her 4 days prior, an eternity in Pasta Pass time.

I got there and was excited to see Stacey, but also sad that our time was ending. I asked her if we could take a picture and she said yes. She handed my phone to another server and posed, pretending like she was handing me my to-go order when suddenly the paparazzi showed up.

"Do you guys know each other or something?” Too many questions, bro. Just take the picture.

I told Stacey about the blog and she said she looked forward to reading it. I said goodbye, probably for the last time, got my ticket validated, and drove home to Atwater.

The pasta was fine. I got soup since the weather was getting colder, and the Toscana remains the best of the meat soups. The Alfredo sauce was cheesy and hearty, and complemented the chicken fritta, which isn’t saying much because breaded chicken strips go with anything. The fettuccine was a winner, but I was glad this was the last one. I was in dire need of a pasta hiatus.

As promised, here is a totally biased, unscientific, completely subjective, Thomas-specific Power Ranking of the toppings you can get on a Never Ending Pasta Bowl.

4) Italian Sausage

Is this meat? I’m not sure. “Italian” could mean anything. I usually associate it with fine leather goods, which is what this sausage tastes like. A bland meat tube of nothingness. Chewy on the outside, dry on the inside. In my garage, have a box of emergency food in case an earthquake hits. I bet my freeze dried emergency sausage tastes better than this. Avoid at all cost.

3) Meatballs

Slightly more tasty than the Italian Sausage, but not by much. It’s shockingly devoid of flavor. I’m not sure why though, what’s the purpose? The pasta is pretty flavorful, albeit quite salty. Balancing it out with bland meat makes no sense, it just makes me not want to eat it. If tradition forces you to get a plate of Spaghetti and Meatballs, then knock yourself out. But the next two are far better choices, and it’s almost unfair.

2) Shrimp Fritta

Unfair mostly because these items are both “new” which means that they’ve been kid-tested, mother-approved by Olive Garden lab rats. Also, they’re deep-fried which… how do you fuck up deep fried things? You can’t, which is why these two are the only toppings you should get, if at all, really. I think the pasta bowl is best on it’s own, but if you need a lil’ extra, then get the shrimp or chicken. Either one. They’re the same, but I prefer the chicken so…

Going back to work after Halloween is always rough. You’re exhausted from wearing costumes and drinking and partying. Or in my case, watching Frozen and eating a bag of chocolate you were supposed to hand out to kids but my neighborhood is “too dark” so they’re “scared.” Isn’t that the whole point? Their loss.

Having no energy at work also meant that it was a perfect day for a Sad Desk Lunch. And the saddest desk lunch of all? A Sad Desk Lunch of Sad Never Ending Pasta.

It’s the final stretch of the Pasta Pass. Only a week left. Some have clearly enjoyed it more than others. I certainly have mixed emotions about the whole thing. It was fun to write about, yes, and I was on NPR, which is awesome, but now what do I do? Where will I get my mediocre pasta now? Sbarro? Dollar King? That Chevron near work? All good choices, but they’re no Never Ending Pasta Bowl.

Since I was at work, I tried ordering from my computer. The Olive Garden website is a labyrinth and I couldn’t find the Never Ending Pasta Bowl option, so I just called them. It was the Olive Garden in Burbank and I immediately got put on hold. Stacey in Glendale would never let this happen.

Finally, some stranger took my order: Cavatappi with marinara and meatballs. For my side, I got minestrone. It had been a cold, rainy weekend and I needed to warm up with some salty vegetable soup.

I drove to the massive shopping orgy that is the Burbank Empire Center. During lunch hour, it’s an ordeal to find parking there. Even the designated Olive Garden take-out parking spots were taken. I know you liars aren’t at Olive Garden! You’re probably enjoying a delicious sandwich or fusion taco somewhere.

I finally found parking near Hometown Buffet. As I walked by, I peeked inside and got jealous of the people eating their stale pork chops and dry mashed potatoes. It had come to this. I actually wanted the variety of Hometown Buffet.

I got my pasta and drove back to the office. I immediately regretted not getting meat sauce, but the Cavatappi remains my favorite pasta of theirs. The meatballs were less appealing, similar in taste and texture to the infamous meatballs at IKEA. The minestrone was salty and hearty, just what I needed. And the breadsticks I threw away because they’re awful.

And now, since I’ve tried all the types of pasta, here's my Power Rankings of the Never Ending Pasta Bowl pasta at Olive Garden: 6. Whole Wheat Linguine Garbage. Just awful pasta. I ordered this once and it reminded me of hospital food. It tastes like how I imagine shoelaces tastes like. If you have to eat this pasta because you’ve got food allergies or you’re a masochist or something, just go with shoelaces. They probably have more nutritional value.

5. Angel HairWhat a weird name for pasta. I get it, angels are heavenly, they’re awesome, they’re cool. But their hair? You really want to eat that? Really? Angel pubes. That’s what you’re eating. In any case, I got this with meat sauce and it wasn’t bad. It was also really overcooked. Plus, when I asked for more, they gave me a tiny bowl masquerading as a second serving. Not cool, Olive Garden.

4. Penne Unlike Angel Hair, the Penne I’ve gotten is usually undercooked. Also, I don’t know if it’s an optical illusion, but I always feel like Olive Garden gives less of the odd-shaped pasta. Spaghetti, Angel Hair, Linguine, I get a bucket of it. Penne or Cavatappi, I get a handful. Of the odd-shaped pastas, this is the inferior one. It’s not bad, just meh.

3. Spaghetti The old standby. Spaghetti and meat sauce go together like me and spaghetti not made at Olive Garden. Their spaghetti is okay I guess, and perhaps my judgement is invalid since Filipino spaghetti consists of sweet ketchup and hotdog slices, but I feel like spaghetti is so common that it should be hard to screw up. Should be.

2. Fettuccine Finally, the consistent winners of the Pasta Pass. These last two are far and away the only pasta you should get if you have to go to Olive Garden for some reason. Perhaps you’re visiting relatives who live in San Bernardino. Perhaps you won an Olive Garden gift certificate at work. Perhaps you’re on a Tinder date with a manager at Olive Garden. For whatever reason, if you find yourself at an Olive Garden, get the Fettuccine. Or, even better, get the…

1. Cavatappi What a great pasta. If angels had hair, it’d be Cavatappi. Fun, thick, and wavy, not thin, stringy, and bland like Angel Hair. Cavatappi is the best pasta at Olive Garden, hands down. It’s good in all sauces (meat, marina, alfredo) and goes well with any of the toppings. Plus, it’s all spiral and trippy, like a pasta maker dropped acid one day and said “I want to eat corkscrews.” One downside is that it looks like Ebola. Perhaps ebola should rebrand itself as a “Cavatappi-like virus” and maybe we’d get hungry instead of scared. Mmmm… ebola.

Next post, the Power Rankings for toppings! Chicken Fritta, Shrimp Fritta, Meatballs, and Italian Sausage. Spoiler: the Italian Sausage is garbage.