Category Archives: News

(Scotland sounds like Nicola Sturgeon, England sounds like David Cameron)
SFX: JEREMY KYLE THEME.JEREMY KYLE: Next on the Jeremy Kyle Show, we have a couple who are literally on the brink of breaking up and are here as a last resort. Welcome to the programme, Scotland!
SFX: CHEERING. APPLAUSE. SOME BOOING.JK: So … let’s talk about the relationship. How long have you been together? And how was it to start off with?SCOTLAND: It’s been more that 300 years, Jeremy, but it’s always been terrible! I never really wanted to be with him, but he wouldnay let it lie.JK: So, for 300 years – more, even – you’ve been stuck in an unhappy relationship. Tell me what he’s like.SCOTLAND: Well, Jeremy, he never lets me have control of my own money. He let me have a bank account …JK: Let you?SCOTLAND: Yes!
SFX: BOOSSCOTLAND: But even though my name’s on the account, he controls everything I spend, checks up on me all the time. He even took control of the stocks my mother left. Said it would be better if we ‘shared responsibility’, but he always has the last say!
SFX: SHE SNIFFSJEREMY: Is there anything else?SCOTLAND: He’s never really stopped seeing his first wife – Wales!
SFX: SHOCKED SOUNDS FROM AUDIENCESCOTLAND: And then there’s Northern Ireland. He met her after me. They have a … special relationship. It’s a bit stormy, but still …JK: Well, as always, there are two sides to every story. Welcome to the Jeremy Kyle Show … England!
SFX: LOUD BOOSJK: Hello there, England. Scotland says you’re too controlling and you keep tabs on everything she does. Not only that, but you’re also in touch with your first wife, Wales. Is she telling the truth?ENGLAND: First of all, jeremy, can I just say that I have the greatest respect for Scotland and I feel we just work so much better together than we ever could apart. I have worked tirelessly to make sure she knows how much I value her input and …JK: Are you still seeing Wales?ENGLAND: Scotland understood my responsibilities to Wales when we got together and …JK: And Northern Ireland?ENGLAND: If that was a problem, she had plenty of opportunities to speak up when I was making those arrangements. It seems that she’s forgetting the good times – like when we won those Olympic medals, and the men’s title at Wimbledon.SCOTLAND: That was all me! You just take the credit for everything!ENGLAND: We have to try to make this work! I’ll fight for you with my last breath!SCOTLAND: I’ve had enough! I’m leaving and I’m taking the kids: The Krankies, David Moyes … Duncan Bannatyne!JK: What do you have to say about that, England? Just how are you going to fight for her?ENGLAND: No. She’s right! We’re bad for each other. I won’t fight this break-up any more. As long as she gets custody of George Galloway!END

For the benefit of the non-British, Jeremy Kyle hosts a very tacky show like the Jerry Springer show and Scotland is about to hold a referendum on whether to leave the United Kingdom. This is meant in a light-hearted way and I hope nobody is offended by it.

Scientists investigating why birds fly in a v-formation have completed a long and expensive study, before coming to a conclusion that was obvious to everybody else in the first place. The news that birds do this to utilise slipstreams to make flying less tiring has, in fact, been known for decades and has advanced scientific knowledge in no way whatsoever.

Interestingly, this isn’t a new phenomenon in the scientific world; many studies have been carried out which have resulted in announcements that could only be described as absolutely bleedin’ obvious. A recent investigation, for example, has concluded that drinking alcohol every day can lead to memory loss in middle-aged men. With no further investigation whatsoever, I can confirm that this would also apply to young or old men and, indeed, to women. In spite of the fact that I have just saved the scientific community a large sum of money and a considerable amount of time, I can confidently predict that they will not be thanking me for providing this information. The sad truth is that they enjoy making these completely predictable announcements and enjoying the brief limelight that accompanies them.

While the current glut of scientific information regarding the shocking revelation that sugar is bad for us is omnipresent throughout the media, in spite of the fact that losing teeth, gaining weight and developing diabetes were all adequate clues, scientists are beginning to panic about where to turn next in order to maximise attention. I have some suggestions for research proposals: