Friday, December 21, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The UK government is planning to monitor the computers of jobless people to make sure they are looking for work. The only problem is figuring out what to do when people are out of work long enough to hock their computer.

The UK government is planning to monitor the computers of jobless people to make sure they are looking for work. Or at least find out who is the best in the nation at “Angry Birds”.

A poll says that Latin Americans are the happiest people on the planet. Mostly because none of their reality shows feature Donald Trump, the Kardashians or the cast of “Jersey Shore”.

A poll says that Latin Americans are the happiest people on the planet. Mostly because their economy isn’t based on the dollar.

Intercontinental Exchange has bought the New York Stock Exchange for $8.2 Billion. The deal went through when the buyers realized that all of Facebook stock is traded over on Nasdaq.

E-mails from people fearful about the Mayan Apocalypse have been flooding NASA. Mostly because when it comes to disasters, who has more first hand experience than NASA?

A bipartisan group of Senators say the movie “Zero Dark Thirty” is grossly inaccurate. To which Hollywood to Congress “At least when we are wrong we still make money.”

A Midwest snowstorm caused a 25 car pileup in Iowa. Or as they call a 25 car pileup in California, “Tuesday on the 405 Freeway.”

The Governor of Ecuador’s Central Bank has resigned, admitting he has a fake college degree. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing. At least he doesn’t know enough about finance to come up with illegal trading schemes that will wreck the economy.

An oil boom has made North Dakota the nation’s fastest growing state. Which makes it difficult since all four lane highways in the state have one lane going in and three going out.

The U.S. unemployment rate has dropped to 7.6% Although the only people getting jobs this time of year are fat or short who can play Santa or one of his elves.

United and American Airlines canceled several flights because of the Midwest snowstorm. When airline officials were asked about the effects of the storm, their response was “There’s a storm?”

A study shows that marijuana use among teens is at an all time high. So are the teens.

A study shows that marijuana use among teens is at an all time high. If you thought kids were obese before pot started becoming legal in some states, you haven’t seen anything yet.

A study shows that marijuana use among teens is at an all time high. Signs that kids are using pot include lack of interest, excessive sleep and constant snacking. Or, they might just be a teenager.

A study says that playing hard-to-get actually works in attracting a mate. The trick is to make sure you have some qualities that the opposite sex might actually want to get in the first place.

A study says that playing hard-to-get actually works in attracting a mate. Unfortunately for Trekkies and “Star Wars” fans, women are hard-to-get even if they aren’t playing hard-to-get.

A study says that pop, rock and rap stars have an average life expectancy of 45 years. Although to be fair, that number is 92 years if you leave out the rap stars.

A study says that early death is twice as likely for solo stars as it is for members of a band. Of course that statistic is completely skewed out of whack by the Rolling Stones.

A study says that sitting down for family meals promotes healthy eating. Unless you’re a member of the Honey Boo Boo family.

Researchers say that food allergies cost $25 billion a year in the U.S. Of course, most food allergies are caused in this country from people literally inhaling their meals.

A study says that IQ tests don’t measure all types of intelligence. Apparently the study was done by scientists who were rejected on their applications to Mensa.

Researchers predict that one day supermarket shelves will be dominated by meal worms that will be an alternative to beef, chicken and pork. For now anyone wanting to get used to the taste of worms will just have to order a burger at Jack in the Box.

A report says that Charlie Sheen has no custodial rights to his own children even after their mother has been in rehab 19 times. Of course, she has been in rehab 19 times as a result of being married to Charlie Sheen.

A report says that Charlie Sheen has no custodial rights to his own children even after their mother has been in rehab 19 times. Apparently the courts feel she still has another twenty or thirty trips to rehab before she starts making Charlie Sheen look suitable as a parent.

Jerry Seinfeld told New York Times Magazine he took two years to write a routine about Pop Tarts. Which means his TV show wasn’t really “about nothing”. It just wasn’t about anything.Jerry Seinfeld told New York Times Magazine he took two years to write a routine about Pop Tarts. How did that go, "So what's up with Pop Tarts? They aren't tart, and they don't go 'pop'! What's the deal with that?"

Miss Venezuela scored zero points on her answer of her interview question at the Miss Universe pageant. To which the other contestants immediately started asking for advice so they could score that well when it was their turn.

Miss Venezuela scored zero points on her answer of her interview question at the Miss Universe pageant. Mostly because the judges were staring at her breasts and didn’t hear a word she said.

Miss Venezuela scored zero points on her answer of her interview question at the Miss Universe pageant but still finished in third place. Mostly because the interview question is 3% of the total points and the bikini competition is worth the other 97%.

Ben Affleck is being talked about as a potential Senate candidate from Massachusetts. Asked if he is qualified, his answer is “Hey, I starred in ‘Gigli’, didn’t I?”

The NHL has now canceled games through January 14th. If the lockout goes on much further, you won’t be able to find a dentist within fifteen miles of a league city who will still be in business.

Three time Olympian Suzy Favor Hamilton says she has worked for a Las Vegas escort service. Now she is just Suzy Hamilton since she sold her Favor.

Three time Olympian Suzy Favor Hamilton says she worked for a Las Vegas escort service. Apparently her motto of “Go for the gold” has been changed to “I’ll take the blue chips.”

Researchers say that dinosaurs were skewed more toward being a giant species. Which apparently can now be said of most Americans.

The military ignored rumors of the world ending Tuesday. Of course they also ignored rumors that there was no way we could win a long term war in Iraq or Afghanistan.

A Michigan boy unearthed a 13,000 year old mastodon bone in his own backyard. He said that it was a little disappointing. At first he thought he had finally unearthed Jimmy Hoffa.

New initiatives may be bringing back the pay phone. What people need to realize is that every phone is a pay phone.

New initiatives may be bringing back the pay phone. The only problem is that younger people are going crazy trying to figure out how to send a text message on one.

A report says that tablet ownership has doubled in the past year in the U.S. Which means there are twice as many people wondering if they also really needed to buy the iPhone, iPod and the MP3.

A report says that tablet ownership has doubled in the past year in the U.S. Which means twice as many people are wasting twice as much time playing “Angry Birds”.

Facebook is testing a $1 fee for people to deliver a message to a stranger’s inbox. Apparently if a billion people cough up the money it will just about make back what Facebook lost on their IPO.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only four more days for Christmas. However, still a few more hours to see if the world blows up today. Then I’ll do my shopping. Even if the world is self destructing, you will still have plenty of time to still send the love!