If a picture is worth a thousand words, a good melody is worth a million.

I figured out a bit of the roots of some of what was bothering me when I wrote Tuesday's post.

I've been sick for the last day and a half - mild fever, etc. Late this afternoon a few hours after the fever ended, I spent about an hour (very slowly, because I was still dizzy) gardening. The rest of the day I spent sleeping and reading. However, just that little bit of gardening made me feel like I've accomplished something today.

The wife of the main character in Stay at Home Dead likes lists. Okay, she particularly likes to leave lists for her husband, but, either way, that's the opposite of the way I am. I don't like to do lists. I don't like to have to give them to others. They're often necessary, as in all the things that need to be done before older son heads to Prague in a few weeks. I don't like it when there are so many things to remember to do that I can't keep them in my head. It also means that those things aren't apparent in day to day life. It's obvious when the dishes need to be done or when the lawn needs to be mowed. It's the less obvious things, phone calls, errands, etc. that need lists.

I'm not the sort that gets any sense of satisfaction from finishing a to do list. I envy those who do.

A lot of what I've been doing the last few weeks, besides gardening, has been list driven. For instance, yesterday, I was busy getting things done and running errands all morning (I started feeling sick around lunchtime*), but I didn't feel like I've accomplished anything. I've decided that, when I spend a morning like that, I need to look at as if I'd homeschooled all morning, and try to give myself the sense of accomplishment I get from homeschooling.

It's not just that it's errands and housework. It's that it's a bunch of small things that, put together, take up half the day, but don't seem to add up to anything. It's the sort of stuff that, when we're homeschooling, just gets stuck in between other things. When we're homeschooling, I don't focus on that stuff like I've been doing lately.

Large projects around the house give me a feeling of accomplishment, but little bits and pieces, no matter how many there are, don't. Really, my favorite housework days/times are when I just wander around the house and do whatever bugs me the most (for those of you familiar with Myers-Briggs, I'm a really weak J). Those times don't happen very often, and I'm not letting myself do that until I get the list done that I've been putting together since January.

Now that I actually type it out, I'm not sure why. I guess it's like eating vegetables before dessert.

The thing that always makes me feel best, accomplishment-wise as well as in many other ways, is doing something creative. An hour of gardening can turn around an otherwise unremarkable day.

* I was exhausted all of a sudden, but I didn't have a fever so I went to Modern Dance class anyway in the late afternoon. The fever hit about the time we were doing a swoopy move to the front and side. That was... interesting - kind of like a fun ride at the fair.

Feeling like a failure is not a new thing to me, but not being able to relax because of it is.

When I was homeschooling all three kids, I could relax - when I got a chance - because I felt good about what we'd accomplished that day or week, even if it was just a good walk and conversation at Duke Gardens. Even last spring, when I was only homeschooling younger son, we were busy together so I could relax when we weren't doing things together.

This spring, younger son is in the 13 yo "hibernate-in-your-room" stage. We see him at meals and, occasionally, for other things. I know it's a stage - daughter mentioned that at that age all she wanted to do is read in her room, and she's so busy in college that she doesn't have time to read things outside her classwork.

We take a break from formal homeschooling for the nice weather in the spring and the fall. It's a quieter break than usual because younger son is so solitary. I should be enjoying this as a time to relax, garden, read, blog, etc.

Instead, I'm spending a good bit of it feeling like a failure. If I'm homeschooling or even doing casual things like hikes with my kids or dear husband, I feel like I'm accomplishing something important. If I'm not doing something with them - on a day mostly to myself - it doesn't matter how much I do, I feel like a failure.

Between yesterday and today, I got a good bit of the house cleaned up, straightened up things in the yard, organized a bunch of things including upcoming trips, and I feel like a failure. It doesn't matter how many non-family-interactive things I do, it never feels like enough.

Even if I try to relax, I mostly just spend the time feeling like a failure for not getting things done. The only way around that is to play obsessive rounds of computer games.

I feel like I'm actually relaxing less now than when I was homeschooling all three. I don't feel like I deserve to relax.

I wrote a comment on the post, When Your Kid is an Introvert (ish), at Introverted Church this morning. I lost it because my aging computer can't handle whatever the website needed for posting a comment (I don't deserve a new computer, though)(I've already updated Firefox, and it works worse than before).

Part of the comment merges in with this current post, though. I wrote about how, even though older son is much more introverted than I am, he actually interacts with people better. Except for close friends and close family, I approach most social interactions as tests, in which, I'm either going to fail, or, maybe, do okay. I never do well. I should have listened better, made better responses, had more energy, or talked (listened) longer. Or, HORRORS, I actually slipped up and let one of my own opinions out rather than just reflecting their opinions back.

On the other hand, as introverted as he is, older son just enjoys people. He may need lots of time to himself later, but he approaches social interactions as enjoyable experiences, not tests with a very likely risk of failure (my approach).

This is one thing that amazes me about all three of my kids. People like them, which amazes me because how can someone as unlikeable as myself have kids that people like?! Obviously, it comes from somewhere else on their genetic background.

Socially, I have to work really hard to reflexively listen to people and always do what they want - not to be liked (I never expect that), but just in order to get along.

A year ago, I went to one of the "meet the Rector" lunches that we had at our church. We started out going around the table and introducing ourselves - maybe a 45 second introduction.

45 seconds, and I was interrupted by others. Twice.

Nobody else was interrupted.

The rest of the lunch didn't go all that well, either. I'm not great at Episcopalian small talk. I came home feeling like a failure and mentioned it on Facebook.

I got a number of commiserations, but I also had one wise friend mention that, if others were interrupting me, it sounds like I was not the one failing in social interactions.

Oh.

Here's the part where I say that I learned something about social interactions from that friend, but I didn't really. I still expect lots out of myself - particularly in expecting myself to always adjust to what other people want. To do anything else but adjust seems selfish.

[Oh, I have a two part post about some really throught provoking blog posts I ran across last week on church and community. I didn't post it so as not to offend anyone.]

[By the way, I'm not insulting you by saying you don't want your thoughts provoked. You'd probably be fine with what they wrote; it's my writing that's the problem.]

[Yesterday, on the way to early voting, I wrote a post in my head about the absolutely unneccessary, un-Biblical, immoral, and bigoted North Carolina Amendment that is up for a vote in two weeks. I didn't even write the post because it's too opinionated and might offend someone. [Oooops! Too late.]]

By the way, even though I gardened for an hour this morning, I'm currently a failure because I'm inside writing on the computer rather than out in the sun gardening. I'm also a failure because I don't take long hikes like a real hiker (Our hikes generally aren't longer than 3-4 miles, and they're often shorter.). I don't read enough so I'm a failure. I don't practice flute/voice enough so I'm a failure. I'm a 50 year old who dances so I'm a failure.*

Even the fun things turn into occasions of failure.

Last summer, during the summer, community theater musical, I was not only in the general dance scene, with about 30 other cast members, I was in the featured dance group. I both beat myself up mentally for being a failure at the dancing and kept going anyway because the dancing was so much fun.

Was I doing a bad job at the dancing? Actually, probably not. I remembered all the choreography and got at least some of the style into it. I practiced it lots at home. But...

I was the only one anywhere near my age in the (around) thirty person dance section and in the six person featured group. I think the next oldest dancer was 15 years younger than I was, and most of them were in their teens and 20's. WTF was a, shall we say non-skinny, 49 year doing dancing with them?! I was a failure just by dancing. Everyone else near my age was watching the dancers in the dance scene (which you can see an early rehearsal of on Facebook. I hesitated to post a link because this was taped the last run-through of the evening, and I was tired and losing focus. Daughter, older son, and I are all wearing green. Daughter is in the front at the beginning, and older son and I are on the right in the second part. Older son is not the prince, who is also wearing green.)(Here's a link to a photo where we've all fallen down from exhaustion after the dance. I'm in dark blue in front of the prince's feet.)(My, that dress makes me look curvy. I loved that dress.)

Ooops, sorry for the digression. Anyway, I was too old to be dancing, but it was too fun to pass up. As is obvious from that digression, I'm also a failure for enjoying things too much. Part of the reason I'm so quiet in person is that I get too enthusiastic about things. That's one thing I like about my blog - I can bubble over about something without looking at people rolling their eyes.

[Of course you may be rolling your eyes right now, but I can't see it so it's your problem.]

[I'm gaining a bit of attitude by writing this post, aren't I?]

By the way, absolutely NOBODY in the community theater EVER said anything about my being older - well, except for daughter and older son who told me that I was being silly and to stop worrying about it.

I felt like I was holding my breath for the last week. I auditioned for this summer's musical last Monday evening. The chorus supposed to be only half the size of last year's chorus. I was really worried that I wouldn't get in. Yes, I can dance, somewhat, and sing in harmony (on-key), but I'm not good at acting.

Older son graduates from college next year so this could be his last summer musical here.

It's also a good part of my social life for the year. Strangely, since acting is a new thing for me, I do feel like I can be myself there.

I wanted to be in it so badly. I could hardly concentrate on anything all week (boy, was I a failure!).

I found out yesterday evening that I'm in the chorus (so is older son, but he's good at singing and acting). I was so happy I cried.

There are two things I can when I'm a failure. I can either attitude myself out of it, which I, surprisingly, appear to have done here. I can also embrace the failure. I'm a lousy person/Christian/Episcopalian/whatever. As a result, it doesn't really matter what I do - I'm a failure - so I might as well do whatever I think is best or whatever I feel like.

* Although, I was often criticized by other teenagers/college students for not being a typical teenager/college student. I've never been good at acting my age.

I'm really late this month because GBBD was on the 15th - when we were in Asheville with daughter... then I had dance concert photos to go through, dear husband was out of town, younger son was sick, over the weekend we were going through lists of stuff to do before older son heads to Prague for the summer semester, etc... life as usual. I did take the photos on the 17th.

I also have all sorts of energy tonight because I found out I'm in the chorus for the community theater's summer musical, Dames at Sea! I feel like I've been holding my breath since the audition a week (and five hours, but who's counting?!) ago.

We packed a lot into last weekend, and then I had my audition for the summer musical on Monday so it was a very full half-week.

We were going up to Asheville to see Daughter in the dance concert on Saturday, and we decided to go to the NC Zoo on the way on Friday afternoon. It shouldn't be too crowded on a Friday, right? Even if it's a beautiful spring day?

Wrong. Last week was spring break for, apparently, a lot of NC schools. We've never seen the zoo this crowded before - even on a Saturday in June. We could only take a few hours of the crowds, but we still enjoyed it.

View from the bridge at the entrance to the African section. We usually go in through the North American section (although the polar bears aren't there right now because their exhibit is being redone), but that parking lot was full! I had forgotten how beautiful the entrance is to the African section. Note the grey shapes on the grass to the left.

They added the hippo sculptures since the last time we were there (they're on the grass to the left in the first photo). The little one looks like it's dancing.

This one is not dancing, but it's adorable.

The elephants, rhinos, and various deer types have a wonderful plains section.

Oh, it started with Holy Week, which kind of races by because it's so intense.

A few random thoughts, some of which could be posts on their own, but I'll never get around to it:

I think I enjoyed Holy Week more this year than any other year. Part of it was that my voice has been doing pretty well lately. I could really enjoy the music without having to worry so much about whether my voice could handle it.

I feel joy in choir.

I tried an introductory modern/jazz class last week, and I really enjoyed it (third use of the syllable "joy" in the post). However, since it was really all modern, we did the whole class barefooted, and my arches were killing me when I was done. I've been going to physical therapy for Achilles tendonitis/plantar fasciitis for the last month so, yesterday, I asked my physical therapist what she thought. She thought that it would be good practice for me in using my legs correctly and that I should keep going!

I did the modern class last night, had a quick snack at Francesca's (they have soup along with the desserts), and then went to choir. I was exhausted by the time I got home!

I've had 3 bad bouts of the Achilles tendonitis/plantar fasciitis in the last year, keeping me from doing anything beyond taking walks for anywhere from a week to a month. Physical therapy has been so helpful the last month! It turns out that this isn't that unusual for people who've had knee surgery. After knee surgery, you spend lots of time strengthening the muscles around the knee. Sometimes, as in my case, those muscles get so strong that they take over from the gluteal muscles, which throws everything out of alignment. I've been doing glute exercises to combat that. Also, my calves have been taking over from my glutes which makes the calves tigheter which pulles on the Achilles tendon, etc. I'm supposed to focus on doing movements in modern with my glutes rather than my calves.

As much as I love Zumba, I've really missed doing a regular dance class. There's a focus and intensity in doing that. It's also been about time to try something new.

It really hit me last night that daughter isn't coming home this summer. In the last two weeks, she's found another job, along with the research job that she's staying in Asheville for, and a place to live. I'm so happy that everything is coming together for her, but my eyes are still puffy from crying last night.

Okay, and this morning (back from getting a Kleenex).

We spent time helping older son plan for going to Prague this summer. The house is going to seem so large and quiet with just three of us here.

The chorus for this year's summer musical is only half as large as the choruses the last few years. I'm really worried that I won't get in.

If I don't, I'm going to see if I can audition to play flute in the pit orchestra. Of course, I'll still help with costumes and sets. Younger son is really excited about helping with sets again this summer.

With the studio course he's taking in Prague, and because he's taken fairly heavy course loads all along, older son will be able to graduate a semester early - next December - if he wants.

With older son going to Prague, daughter staying in Asheville, possibly not being involved in the musical the same way, and other changes, such as one of my best friends moving further away, and another friend going to the night shift, my social world feels like it's shrinking. That makes me angry. I could write a long post about this, but there are plants to plant.

My creative life is expanding; my social life is shrinking. After looking at this internet cat video, I feel that I should be able to come up with some dramatic meaning in this, but I can't:

The next day after the rainy Duke Gardens day, Dear Husband and I took a walk at Ayr Mount, a Colonial-era home in Hillsborough:

The sunlight was beautiful.

The trail goes through the woods and down to the Eno River. Then it comes back up by the pond and up to the house. This is one of my favorite views anywhere (and it's only 10 minutes from home!) - the view from behind the house. We stretch out here at the end of our walk. All things being equal, pick a stretching spot with a view.

A closer up view of the same scene with a view of the pond

Duke Gardens (a week after the first time in the previous post). I had to go back to see if the azaleas were blooming.

Now that we have all the tapes in one place, and now that there isn't a huge pile of stuff in front of the cabinet anymore, I've been listening to lots of tapes. One tape, from 2004, had a song on it that I haven't heard for quite a while - Leave It by Yes:

One of my favorite rhododendron bushes (don't you have a favorite rhododendron bush?).

My favorite field of bluets (doesn't everybody have a ...?)

Dear husband had been out of town for the week, but he'd heard me enthuse about the Gardens on the phone. Saturday morning, even though it was pouring down rain, we went to Duke Gardens again. There were very few people there!

Thank you to Dear husband who held the umbrella over my camera!

The koi pond in the Terrace Gardens. That shadowy spot under the trees at the other end of the pond is where the bench is that has my favorite view.

Clash of seasons: the spring dogwoods and the late winter red camellias

We headed on to the Durham Farmer's Market.

Flowers and radishes at one of the stalls

To finish things off, meal-wise, we bought some desserts at DaisyCakes, down the street from the Market.

Usually, when a bird flies by, I just stand and admire it - and totally forget to try to take a picture. He flew back again, however, so I barely got this shot. I'm amazed the camera focused on him rather than the trees.

An early rhododendron in front of The Bridge

I didn't take many pictures that day so as not to slow everyone down, but I went back the next day. Interestingly, at 9 am, the only people there were either Garden employees/volunteers or people with DSLR cameras:

This is one of my favorite places to sit in the whole Gardens. It's an un-obvious bench across the koi pond from the Terrace Garden. It's in the shade, and it's got this lovely view framed by the trees. I've rarely seen anyone else sitting there!