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I have ultrasound #3 tomorrow. Will I see anything new since 5 days ago? I don’t know. It has been blissful NOT thinking about it this week. Maybe because I only had to wait 4 days since my previous one, maybe because I got good news on the Hcg, maybe because work has been busy and productive, I don’t know, but I have been able to avoid the negative hole I was drowning in last week and most of Monday. Ironically the books I ordered from the library about dealing with miscarriage, resiliency and positive thinking arrived for me today. I’ll have them ready for tomorrow when I don’t know where I am going to be emotionally. I don’t have much time to react because I’ve got the appointment with my doctor at 9:15, followed by a busy work day and juggling the painter finally coming to finish the paint project. I’ll have to hold it in, at least until evening with so much going on.

Today I went for a walk again. It seems like there are two groups of people out walking: the dog people and the baby people. It makes me think that if this doesn’t work out I should start thinking about a dog. Of course i am out walking because my RE cut me off from any real exercise at the gym. When I was more confidently pregnant I kind of enjoyed fantasizing walking with my future little one to the park, but now that I am on this edge, it’s just weird. I walked near the park, but not to it like before. I didn’t want to see the little swings, etc. this time. Thinking about that just seems a bit sad.

I stopped doing my meditations too because I couldn’t figure out which ones to do. I had these great ones that are for fertility and these other ones for pregnancy. Meditation in general just reminds me of this whole process right now, so I am taking a break on that too, for now. I feel that feeling when you are going through a long job interview process. No news is good news. I kind of don’t want to go tomorrow because until I go to a doc I can keep fantasizing that it could work out, I could actually be pregnant for real this time. I want to live in this fantasy. Going tomorrow is another chance to get rejected for the job I’ve been working for, praying for, having to start over. I want to remember this feeling of being naively unaware and really just living in the present. I don’t know what tomorrow holds. For now, ignorance is bliss.