Assange’s weird dreams shaping reality

The embassy-trapped Wikileaks founder confirmed his psychic dream powers over the weekend by making Pamela Anderson arrive on his doorstep with a vegan salad box.

Assange said: “I’ve no idea how this started, but last week I had this dream where all these fucked-up clown things were running around with knives scared people in car parks.

“The next day it was on the news. I was like ‘ooh that’s trippy’.

“The following night I deliberately ate loads of cheese at bedtime and dreamed about a 25-year-old Baywatch star turning up with a juicy steak and a crate of delicious beer.

“That didn’t quite pan out exactly but I think you’ll agree it was close enough.

“Anyway I’m sorry to inform you that, based on last night’s dream, London is about to be destroyed by a massive lobster with penises for legs, but then Tom Selleck from Magnum PI becomes the new prime minister and everyone gets free bacon crisps.”