I look to the future because that’s where I am going to spend the rest of my life.

-George Burns

I don’t have a lot to say that wouldn’t make for a very boring although informative read. I completed the intro to Accounting and am in week 2 /2 of Simply Accounting. i loathe Simply Accounting. SO because someone demanded an update here’s my day in pictures

The gerbera I got at superstore ( there’s actually 2 flowers) that makes me smile every day. It kinda looks pink in the photos but it’s a deep red with yellow on the underside of the petals

Apples not popcorn

Most of the massive basket of apples that D insisted on buying from the farmer’s market this morning. I have plans for them though and an apple strudel in the oven . I am not so certain that it is worthy of photos though.

Yesterday was incredibly humid with random bouts of incredible wind and rain. Of course most of the wind happened while I was waiting for the bus at the mall. I went in search of some much needed jeans for D. I ended up buying a pair for him,a Metal Militia T-shirt ( don’t ask ), a pair of Roxy flipflops ( on sale) and some corn holders.By the time D had got home from work and tried on said items, I was already changing back into “public” ( out of the house clothes) and going back to the mall to exchange for bigger sizes. Shopping for others is frustrating but I got it done.

I spent the rest of the evening/night watching Big Brother US and Deadliest Catch with D and cooking dinner. Corn on the cob , sweet potato fries and chicken breasts .I don’t know how he eats as much corn as he does.

This morning while laying in my usual half sleep in bed for an hour or so I thought about what I wanted to do with my day . I came up with reading some more of The Time Travellers Wife ( finally) , vacuuming, dusting and mopping the floor. Exciting right?

This weekend we ‘re off to the cottage without his parents thankfully as they are going to Pennsylvania for a week to visit some friends. It will be nice to have a quiet weekend up there even if one of the friends d’ has invited ends up coming up . Oh and i get to doggy sit for a week which sounded much better when I said yes 2 weeks ago when I was going to school at night and home all day . Next week I ll be gone for 1-5 but she’ll survive.

I was much more write-y when i started this entry but to be honest my stomach isn’t feeling the greatest so that’s it for now.

So I’ve made it through the first 3 weeks of school. Successfully. As boring as it was I passed Power Point, Outlook Express ( yes seriously ,they’re both part of the microsoft office course i need to take/pass) and Business Communications. This past week I had a couple of quizzes , the exam for Business communications and a final assignment for b.c which consisted of an oral fucking presentation ( using powerpoint ). It was crap but I survived. I was mroe pissed off that despite being prepared I felt so unprepared for hte prsentation because the teacher ‘s outline/assignment was so fucking vague. It almost literally said prepare an oral presentation and slide show. No guidelines!

This week I am off from school ( tomorrow is a Civic Holiday and D also has the day off :) ) which I am so pleased about and also next week I don’t haev to go to school at night anymore. While it’s not 8-1 it’s 1-5 and anything is better than 6-10.

Yesterday morning after months of telling myself to go , planning to go I actually called the salon when I woke up err D woke me up and was lucky enough to get an appointment in 30 minutes. My belly button length brown hair is now bra length and blonde. Not bleach blonde which I am having a hard time with kinda because anytime i’ve been blonde its been that shade so it’s kinda hard to convince myself or realize that there ARE other shades of blonde that aren’t orange.I think I just need to get used to it because no one else has said it’s orange so perhaps it’s just me . Although nice people wouldn’t tell you that your newly done hair is orange, would they?

After the hair stuff I came home and D and I went to a reception/celebratory dinner for his friend and his wife ( pregnant) . It was awkward because it was obvious everyone else knew each other and D and I basically talked to each other. We ended up having one drink , giving them their gifts , wishing them well and leaving We came home and had a lazy afternoon or what was left of it and I cooked D a steak w/ mushrooms and onions , some asparagus with shredded canadian cheddar and some chicken breasts that had been marinated in the crack that is PC honey mustard marinade. Seriously still addicted.

This morning we got up early and showered and got on the road , stopping at Tim Horton’s on the way for provisions . I/e , and iced coffee for me and a coffee for D and we drove to the cottage. D finally finished any and all plumbing work ( knock on wood ) unless something breaks so we do not have a reason to HAVE to go unless we want to . Which I must say is a good feeling to have your weekends , yours again . I read some of the Time Traveler’s Wife on the way up and while I was there ( the writing style or i guess plot in this case, or thus far is somewhat confusing to me but I am getting used to it ) because the movie is coming out soon and I have a thing about seeing movies before I’ve read the book . D’s mom talked way too much and asked me way too many questions while we were trying to watch a movie that SHE wanted to watch . Reading with her around is fruitless. She is always asking things like how is the book or is it a good book or what is going on in your book and I feel like saying, well if you shut up for awhile I will be able to tell you . While watching the movie she asked if I wanted a margarita and I said yes but apparently what I think is a margarita or the style of margarita I like is entirely different than what she thinks it is because what she served me came in a margarita glass but had no ice. No shaved or crushed ice. No ice cubes. It was so acidy and literally just yellow liquid smelling of booze and sweeteness. She drank hers quickly and when she went outside to tend to a mouthy Harken I tossed mine down teh drain , placing our empty glasses on the counter. I went and did something and when I returned she had refilled the glasses! I told her I didn’t want anymore so she said oh its already poured if you don’t want it just leave it. So I did and by the time me and D left after an early dinner she had drank 4. I was more shocked to see her relax like that than anything .

Dinner was awesome because we had stopped at a farmer’s stand on the way and got cucumber, 2 dozen corn , broccoli and cauliflower .His dad bbq’d some ribs for them and I had a piece of chicken and some new potatoes with dill from the herb garden me and D’s mom planted from seeds that I swore would not grow prior to the end of summer. And well now I’m home . I really don’t have any plans for tomorrow aside from making a killer lasagna and reading and relaxing. I am ecstatic to be able to plan actual dinners again and cook daily rather than relying on convenience foods and take out. Apparently, I do care about eating :P

Now I know this will probably come across as a big shocker, but guys , I am t i r e d !

I have made it through the first week of school and I haven’t died from anything . Yet. The workload is fucking insanity and I only take one subject at a time. I don’t remember having this crazy of a workload when I had 6 classes to worry about. The courses are really compressed for time and despite classtime being 20 hours a week ( mon-fri 6-10 pm) the majority of my time outside of class is spent doing classwork or studying. I don’t feel I am learning as well as I should be ( my marks reflect this but I am passing) because of the lack of length of time spent on each component of the subject but I’m doing it.

Almost had a heart attack the other night in class while the teacher was midway through a demo . A silver fish dropped down from the ceiling onto my arm and then on to my text book. I was freaking out and jumping all over the place while the class watched me and kept saying what what . I could not find my words soon enough unfortunately and I believe the girl who sits beside me though I spilled my water on my keyboard. The guy behind me was all but jumping over the desk because he thought I was having an episode or osmething was medically wrong with me. I was able to smush it with my flipflop and my teacher ” reassured” me that this has happened before to other students and was one of the reasons we were switching campuses in September. No , not exactly reassuring.

Aside from being disgruntled about class times and endless studying. The kind where you’re starting to mix up the information you’re studying for seperate exams and quizzes, food has also been an issue. I’ve been so busy during the day. Not run around busy . More so sit in my pjs on the couch with my books until the clock feels like it’s magically turned to 6 pm and I have to hurry and get to class , that I haven’t been eating much if at all during the day . I go to class and mid way through my stomach makes that hollow nasty sound that your sure the whole classroom can hear. Then by the time I get home it’s been too long and the hunger feeling has diminshed and I’m tired and don’t want to make something. Some days ( more often than not despite my better judgement of what this is leading to or rather perhaps has led to ) I go with it and get into bed and just have a cold bottle of water. Some days I make something but like I said by this point I don’t feel that hungry anymore so I have a few bites and before I know it’s the next day and it’s started again. It’s something I need to get a handle on and it’s not to say that I haven’t made any efforts. I’ve prepared meals during the dya to have when I come home ( i end up not having them as what usually happens when I pre-plan food ) or I try to eat prior to class which ends up in a small amount of food because i just want to get it over with because my mind is elsewhere and I almost feel guilty for devoting a chunk of my mind or thoughts to the food, when there is SO much stuff to be done . So much to read and write and what the hell am I doing bothering with something so trivial as whether or not I got my 5 a day , you know? So yeah I really didn’t figure out anything by writing this, but it’s out there which is better than it not being out there I guess.

Cottaging this weekend was meant to happen.I mean we had planned to go all week. We did not plan however to be so exhaustingly tired. We did not plan to not be able to sleep until midnight most nights this week despite the fact that we could not keep our eyes open. I hate that. Tossing and turning in a half sleep. finally falling asleep only to wake an hour or two later or even worse waking up with the alarm and knowing you just fell asleep minutes ago . So yes, cottage did not happen. Staying in the city did . Obviously or I wouldn’t be sitting in my track pants enjoying an iced coffee from Tim Hortons , an episode of Workout ( yey for watching trash on Slice all weekend ) and writing this.

I haven’t even written this entry yet and I feel compelled to dub it or title it immdediately as the entry that has nothing to do with anxiety or dreams.I hadn’t realized just how much I dream . I kinda figured everyone has this eerie half conscious life going on between the sheets. And no not that kinda life.

I mentioned in a comment to A that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. As always waiting for something bad to happen , something that I cannot control to prevent me from having a good thing happen . I’m not so naive about my fucked-up-ness that I don’t see what is going on , whether I really realize it or not. If I’m truthful I’d have to say that deep down somewhere I’m not sure of at this moment in time, there’s a large chunk of me that believes and thinks that I don’t deserve to do any better . That I don’t deserve to better myself . That I deserve to stay in this state of limbo of not being good enough but not being good enough to make myself any better at the same time. That part makes it difficult to accept all of this. TO let my guard down . Fuck, to even calm down in general . I keep thinking something horrible is going to happen . A phone call . A letter. Anything . I don’t mean to say that is what I am anxious about , my anxiety is a completely different thing and I am starting to think that I am almost using it ( the anxiety i mean ) so to speak ( if that’s at all possible) as a replacement for being constantly busy. I am grateful I didn’t title the entry pre writing :P

I went to the govt office this afternoon with a friend ( same friend I have been going on anti-anxiety as I have been calling them in my head, walks) and signed the contracts. I went to the school directly afterwards and gave them my paper work and paid my registration fees. Classes start on monday and because the lady at reception was either new or useless she was not able to give me my books or schedule or anything. In fact I had to leave my number with her so someone could call me and confirm my class time.

I told her that I wanted the 8-1pm class schedule. She called me this evening and told me all shehad was the 6-10pm . I almost screamed at her. I m pissed and was dramatically angry for a couple of hours. I finally get into school and I am complaining about my class time like I have other things going on in my life. Brat. Probably far less grateful than i should be too.

Anyhow it’s not the end all and it’s not completely horrible either. It’s for 3 weeks. Then I get a week off and then for 12 weeks I am on a 1-5 schedule then for the rest of my course I am 8-1 . I do not like how they make it seem like you have a choice when it appears it was predetermined despite the fact I registered on the last day of registration ( not my fault)

Oddly enough I feel like this entry is pretty heavy. Yup this kinda stuff is heavy to me but talking about eating disorders and depression and such oh thats coffee talk :P

It didn’t get any better . It’s kinda got worse but not writing isn’t going to help or hurt anything .

It started a few days ago . I woke up from a horrible dream . I was working at store and had arrived at work in the morning and my younger brother was standing out front of the store in oversized old man clothes , panhandling. He went on about how he needed 29 dollars or he would have to come out and do it again tomorrow. He didn’t say but somehow I knew it was some sort of needle drugs he needed money for. I didn’t give him money . I bought him a lot of food and he left saying he was going to switch corners that he still needed that money. I woke up shaking and crying and I felt so anxious all day. It carried on for another day or two . minimal relief DID ocme at some point but then this weekend we went to the cottage on Saturday morning and brought a friend and her 3 year old son . The anxiety popped up horribly around 5 and I had to take a shower for close to 45 minutes in an attempt to slow myself down . Sunday morning I woke up like that ag ain and spent most of the day randomly going to the bathroom to cry .

I laid down on the bed in the bedroom with D for awhile and tried to explain things to him . Easier said then done. Well , not really. I couldn’t figure out the right words to explain to someone who has never experienced it , to tell him how i felt . He thought that it was caused by something. That something happened or something. I told him no one did anything but I don’t think he really understands.

When i got home from the cottage there was a notice taped to my door saying that the landlord would be coming into the apartment between 9-2 pm to change batteries on smoke alarms and check the carbon monoxide detector. D called me at 9 to wake up me so I could open the door for them . I am thankful that they came at 9;15 and now I don’t have to await them all day. I am not thankful that I had to wake up at 9 because that is a longer day, more hours where I am alone , awake and anxious.

Friday night D and I went for a late dinner at a restaurant called Baton Rouge. D ordered sword fish and a loaded baked potatoe the size of a softball. I ordered something called Sante Fe Chicken . It said it had zucchini, red peppers , some sort of sauce and was topped with goat’s cheese. I altered it and removed the zuchinni and red peppers as I thought it would just be too much and besides I was really just interested in the goat’s cheese. My side was a serving ( well probably 5) of their amazing mashed potatoes. Apparently there is white cabbage and bacon in them. Oh and garlic. Dinner was delicious but D learned he does not enjoy goat’s cheese.

Today , I don’t know . I should clean . Cook something perhaps. Laundry. So I will aim for that I suppose . I really just want the couch.Perhaps some tissue and hugs from D