Monday, July 12, 2010

I normally try to avoid political discussions, but today I must speak up.

Because, until now, I never thought I'd find a candidate I could support.

You may remember last week, when I ranted about those damn election signs and ended with this comment:

"On a side note, I strongly believe in the political theory proposed in "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" that anyone who actually wants to be President/Prime Minister/Chief Goombah so badly to run for the office is automatically too insane to hold the job. We need to find a way to identify the person who is least interested in the job, and then put them in charge. Just don't let them figure out what they're really doing."

When I wrote that I had no idea such a being existed. And then, yesterday afternoon, I realized one did. And therefore, I openly declare my support for Paul (no, not Ron Paul).

Now, some of you may be questioning the wisdom of an invertebrate mollusk taking charge of things, but lets face it: how much worse could he do?

Paul has a remarkable track record, especially considering he's only 2 years old. In this year's World Cup he predicted 7 matches with 100% accuracy. Overall, his lifetime accuracy is 86%. In that regard he's beaten all of his competitors, including Mani the parakeet and Petty the hippo. You also have to consider that Paul hasn't been wrong since June 29, 2008- how many politicians can make that claim?

Paul has shown a remarkable knack for guessing the correct solutions to international disputes- without any military force involved. Isn't it time we had a leader like this?

Paul fits the key criteria for someone who doesn't want the job. As far as I can tell from detailed research (okay, 10 minutes on Wikipedia) Paul's main ambitions in life are food and a female octopus: not money, fame, or a book deal.

Some may express concerns over Paul being from Germany, given the events of the last century. But it should be noted that Paul was hatched in England, and has voted against Germany in some soccer matches. He has no innate prejudices against any race or ethnicity (except for snails, crabs, and clams, which he eats).

So I hereby express my support to elect Paul the Octopus as Leader of the World. I suggest some slogans:

Don't be shellfish! Vote for Paul!

The true centrist (right in 4 limbs, left in 4 limbs, body in the center).

Knowing the correct solutions is the easy part. Implementing them in the face of entrenched interests requires considerable political skills. Paul does have a big advantage in terms of being able to shake more hands than his opponents can, but I'm afraid his effectiveness might be damaged by compromising pictures.

@Cthulhu Sashimi: No worries. The Spin Doctors (a crack team composed of psychologists and hand surgeons) are on board. When opponents throw that picture in Paul's, uh, beak, the official position is that he can prove he wasn't in it. He gets airsick.

Paul is already the most intelligent politician I've ever not met. I am sure that his left hand knows what his right hand is doing. The marketing is unparalleled in its genius. AND he has the ability to squeeze out of tight corners. It's a win, win, win as far as I am concerned. It's a wonder someone hasn't suggested him as Australia's new Prime Minister yet.

Welcome to my whining!

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