Monday, November 01, 2004

BRING BACK SINCERITY'S EXCLUSINE INTERVIEW WITH GOD aka THE INTERVIEW US WEEKLY COULDN'T GET

BBS: I have to say, God, it's an honor to have you on the show. I mean, we've had guests before but You are the Guest with a capital "G."
G: Ha ha. Why, thank you.
BBS: That being said, your publicist is not an easy person to deal with.
G: Well, with my schedule...you can understand she's very protective of my time. If I responded to every request, I would be a very busy deity.
BBS: I hear ya. I have a hard enough time with just watering my plants.
G: Which reminds me...Dang. I forgot the rainfall in Costa Rica this morning. I hate making weathermen look wrong.
BBS: So, I guess the first question I have to ask is, why are we here?
G: Because. That was easy. Next question.
BBS: That's the big answer we've been waiting for?
G: Well, here's the thing, Sincerity. All you mortals ask me the most asinine questions as if you're supposed to have all the answers. As if you have the right to the answers. What fun would life be if you knew everything? What enjoyment would you get out of day-to-day living, if every experience you had was understood and simplistic? I keep things hidden for your benefit.
BBS: There seems to be a lot of suffering nowadays. On small scales and larger ones. I have friends that are healing emotionally. What kind of insight would you give to them?
G: I only put people through difficulties that they can handle.
BBS: With all due respect, God, that sounds a bit cliche, like a sound bite. We've heard that one before.
G: Yeah, not My most original line but it rings true. I've noticed that as the years go by, mortals get more and more dramatic. I blame the WB. Specifically, "Everwood." Now, Treat Williams...there's a man that won't go away. No matter how hard I try...
BBS: Who is going to win in tomorrow's election?
G: Bush....hahah. Just kidding. I don't know. This one is so close even I can't call it. Although, personally, I'm not into all this Jesus talk. When did I get overlooked?
BBS: How can we find happiness?
G: By waking up every morning. Facing the day with excitement that today is the opportunity you'll get to change the world. See, people consider "changing the world" as a grand accomplishment like world peace, or resolving world hunger...stuff like that. It's not. I see the little things, the little gestures. Saying 'hello' to a neighbor, getting up for an elderly lady on the subway, being friendly to a doorman or a waiter...that's just as important to me. When you're nice to one person, it sets off a chain-reaction. Then that person is nice to another and then to another and so on. It's like rings in the water, the ripple effect. There's an old passage that says "saving one person is like saving the whole world." That's how important one person is. Did you think that that passage was literal?
BBS: Wow, heavy, God.
G: Indeed. I wasn't messing around when I made Earth.
BBS: Why is love so hard to understand? Why not make it easier so we can get to the repopulating part quicker?
G: Love. Hmm...you know, love sometimes is even complex for me. I mean, I did create the idea of it but much like Satan, it has almost become it's own uncontrollable beast. I truly wish I could give you the answer to that because if there's one thing I have noticed is that people throw love around with reckless abandon. It's quite precious like fine china except you can't find it at Nordstrom.
BBS: Ha ha.
G: I will give you one insight though: the harder you work at things, the stronger and more rewarding they will eventually be. For example, I don't like models. Never did. And that is why I invented heroin and cocaine. Every thing just comes too easy for them. There's no work or effort. So I give them drugs to mix it up a bit. I truly get so much appreciation when I see two people work through obstacles and emotional hurdles. To me, there is nothing more rewarding. Too many games, Sincerity! Too many games, I tell ya. Take the first couple--Adam and Eve--do you think I had to convince him to call her again? Do you think I had to tell Adam to dump Eve because he had this gut feeling...although, his rib--that's a different story.
BBS: Ha. I had no idea God had such a great sense of humor.
G: I invented humor.
BBS: True that. Now onto the next subject: Iraq.
G: Not my fault. Honest. I provide you mortals with options. Sometimes you pick the wrong one. Such a time is now.
BBS: What do you say to the non-believers?
G: You know what? I'll be the mature one. I'll take the high road. Just because you don't believe in Me, I'll still believe in you. I'm cool like that. Legit.
BBS: Why has Lenny Kravitz had such a long career?
G: I owe his dad some favors. Trust me here. I am not a fan. Especially with his new James Brown hair. Hello, Lenny, Halloween was yesterday.
BBS: Vincent Gallo?
G: I will say this now because I am tired of his shenanigans already. Gallo is Satan.
BBS: Really?
G: Yes. And he's really so good at it. You will not find evil like that anywhere outside the advertising industry.
BBS: Tell me your thoughts on the Atkins diet.
G: Always with the extremes. Eat brown rice. Have some whole wheat bread. But no. All of a sudden it's no bread?!?! No rice?!?! Insanity. There's no need for that kind of restrictive behavior. For My sake, have a piece of cake or two. You're too skinny.
[Phone rings]
G: Can you hold for a sec? I'm so sorry. [Picks up phone] Hello? Gabriel? What's up....? Ah ha. I see....ok, I'll be right there.
Look, I'm sorry but I need to run. I've got a conference call with these Kabbalah freak shows and if I'm late, I will never hear the end of it. Especially from Paris Hilton.
BBS: Well, God, thanks so much for joining us. We are honored that you have spent this time with us.
God: My pleasure.
BBS: This has been Bring Back Sincerity with God. Tune in next time when we have Lynda Carter, the woman who played Wonder Woman.