Show those motherf*ckers you're serious!™

October 29, 2004

New Feature: Ask a Hysterical Liberal!

Thanks to the unprecedented support ReverseVoteSwap.org has received this election cycle, we have been able to greatly expand our operations. In addition to adding several new full-time staffers dedicated to organizing Reverse Vote Swaps, our new additions will include a regular column feature, Ask a Hysterical Liberal! Every week (depending upon the schedule of recounts) you can ask political questions, factual questions—even relationship questions are fair game. Our resident Hysterical Liberal will answer them with the appropriate liberal hysteria. We provide this as part of an effort to be appropriately fair and balanced, so that you need not have your election news limited to facts; uninformed rants are clearly also an important part of an informational diet. So sit back, relax, and Ask a Hysterical Liberal!

HL: Hi there! I appreciate ReverseVoteSwap.org giving me the chance to share with you my personal innermost feelings about this election. Clearly, our nation is at a crossroads, and only John Kerry has the character and nuance necessary to protect the American dream. I agree with ReverseVoteSwap.org one hundred percent. I just feel like this election is not the right time for Reverse Vote Swapping. The stakes are just too high! But enough about me! Onto the questions!

I hate Bush because of the war in Iraq. I want to end the war, but it doesn’t really seem like Kerry is against it. I hear he voted for it himself. I’m really depressed about this election. Two of my friends are serving in Iraq and I’m really worried about them. What should I do?
---Nervous in Niantic

HL:

First of all, relax. Have some chai. Then, get the facts straight. Of course Kerry is against the war! I shouldn’t have to tell you that all politicians lie. They do. After the election, Kerry will shed his moderate cocoon and bring the troops home with honor. Never fear. Remember, Americans are all right-wing and stupid. They have to be lied to because they don’t know what’s best for them. I know we’re both against the war, and almost everyone we know is against it. But everyone else in the country is for it. So buck up, and vote Kerry! No more questions about the war, please.

I voted for Al Gore in 2000 because I was worried about whom George Bush might appoint to the Supreme Court. But now, Kerry is saying he’s “personally opposed” to abortion, and that he would appoint anti-choice judges to lower courts. I feel like pro-choice voters are doing the wrong thing by giving our votes away to Kerry without any demands. What should I do?
---Pro-Choice in Peoria

HL:

First of all, we’ve got to think both strategically and tactically. I think it was a famous person who said, “I disagree with you talking, but I’ll defend you’re right to talk.” Therefore, someone personally opposed to abortion is probably our best defender of Roe v. Wade. He’s unbiased, and will enforce the law. So vote Kerry, ok? He’s seriously pro-choice. No matter what he says, or what he’s voted against. No more questions about abortion, please--it's a wedge issue.

I’m a laid-off union machinist. I had a job during the Clinton years, although it infuriated me to no end how much my boss’s salary got raised while I got nothing but raised healthcare costs. Now I’m out of work, and Kerry’s plan is just to pay my boss more and hope he’ll hire me back. I don’t want to vote for this billionaire, but I’m sure not going to vote for Bush. What should I do?
---Job Free in Philly

HL:

First of all, I agree with you one hundred percent. Things are certainly quite difficult for the middle class, of which you and I are certainly both a part. And sure, the rich are getting richer. That’s the way the economy works, and that’s where jobs come from. And, Kerry may be a billionaire, but he understands what you’re going through. He’s a man of the people, and if you were to talk to him, he would certainly listen to you. Don’t, though. He’s under a lot of stress and really can’t be bothered right now so don’t worry about what he’s saying about jobs. Just vote for him, ok? God. Why won’t anyone listen to me? It's so obvious!

Hysterical Liberal, what would you say are the major differences between Kerry and Bush?
---ReverseVoteSwap.org

HL:

The differences are night and day. If Bush is night, Kerry is day. If Bush is yin, Kerry is yang. It’s a fresh start for America, and for Iraq, and for the world. Kerry just has the character, and the courage. I don’t really want to get into a political debate about the election. I just feel like the differences are really big and important. Ok? Now shut up and vote for him!

My cousin joined the NLF when American soldiers razed our village and forced my family to move from our ancestral homeland. Men like John Kerry killed him, and thousands more. I thought Kerry spoke against his country's war on my people, but now I see how he brags about doing murder against my countrymen. How do you suppose the man lives with this inner corruption?
--Long in Vietnam

HL:

Finally, a decent question! As you mention, Kerry is a three-time Purple Heart winner. Although personally opposed to the Vietnam War (if only we'd had a Democrat in office!), when Kerry saw brave American soldiers getting killed, he went right into the thick of things. When America makes an enemy, you can bet John Kerry will report for duty to destroy them. Compare that to Bush, who not only didn't want to kill Vietnamese--he didn't even want to go to Vietnam. Thanks for the opportunity to talk about Kerry's military heroism, Long! Too bad there aren't still a lot of Americans in Vietnam to cast absentee ballots for John Kerry!