True Genius Finally Reveals Itself!

Ms Bob Enters The Pantheon Of Scientific Greats.

Francis Vale

Move over, Albert. You, too, Sigmund. It seems that Gates has finally
put in enough appearances on TV talk shows to qualify for entry into a true
celebrity hall of fame. Visitors to the Wax Museum on Fisherman's Wharf in San
Francisco are now treated to the extraordinary sight of a life-size, all
paraffin Gates, holding forth on his epic 20th century scientific discovery of
Win95, while in the august company of none other than Einstein, Galileo, and
Freud. No other living captain of industry is on display at this by-the-sea
monument to great scientific achievement.

That Gates
should enter the pantheon of such historical geniuses in his own lifetime
was, of
course, a forgone conclusion. For what other great twentieth
century inventor has had the mental audacity to create such intellectual
breakthroughs as the "UAE," or "Bob?" These two seminal, scientific creations
will long be remembered by generations to come. Bill has been a legend in his
own mind almost since the beginning. It only took some twenty thousand hours
of TV time to convince others of this incontrovertible fact

But one has to wonder if Galileo would approve of being in Bill's company?
After all, the pope put Galileo under house arrest for saying that the earth
revolved around the sun, and not the other way around. But Bill G. steadfastly
maintains that the entire PC universe has Microsoft at its center, and not
those quarrelsome users. So were he alive today, would Galileo once again opt
for domicile incarceration, or would he just cave in, and spring for the latest
Internet Explorer upgrade?

Freud might
also want to have Bill lie down on the analyst's couch. Sigmund maintained
that most
neurotic behavior was a manifestation of some repressed
libidinous desire. Thus, he might have cause to wonder if Bill's lust for
global software domination had, at its root, some quirky, subconscious
tendencies. Freud, were he living today, might even want to add another
chapter to his great treatise, "Civilization and its Discontents," on user
unhappiness about escalating PC maintenance costs.

Einstein could also have cause for puzzlement about being in the awesome
company of Bill G. After all, Albert had vainly spent the last half of his
life trying to come up with a unified field theory which brought together all
the fundamental forces of the universe. But Bill has had no such difficulty in
stating that every known force in the computer universe is tied together, with
Microsoft at its epicenter. Given that he failed so miserably at his own grand
unification task, Einstein would probably be humbled to be in the company of
such an intellectual giant

After such waxen accolades, what's left for Bill, except sainthood?

But, hey, why stop with just Bill Gates? Every PR firm in the Bay Area must be
hard at work, trying to come up with a justification for why their client
industry tyros should also be on Fisherman's Wharf, in such exclusive
scientific company. Larry Ellison, for example, immediately springs to mind.
For didn't Ellison prove wrong the physical dictum that energy can neither be
created nor destroyed, when Oracle showed it was possible to build a
multi-billion dollar company from scratch, even though it had absolutely no
competitive products to start with? To create such a big something from an
intangible nothing has to warrant a place for Larry alongside Albert, who would
certainly be keen to know more about how the immutable laws of physics were
turned on their head.

Then there is Scott McNealy, and his Java-based Network Computer. McNealy's
accomplishment of getting millions of rational people to logically believe that
stepping back into the centrally-controlled 3270 terminal past was a
significant scientific step forward has to rank right up there with Freud's
historical pronouncement that the conscious, rational mind was held hostage by
the unruly, undisciplined unconscious. Our waxen Sigmund and Scott obviously
would have much to silently say to each other about the perversity of human
behavior, were they put together.

And finally, Jim Barksdale of Netscape deserves a place in there, as well,
perhaps next to Galileo. The great Italian inventor/astronomer spent years
studying the heavens, trying to decipher the mysterious meanings of celestial
objects' wanderings. When Barksdale laid out his grand scheme for Netscape's
Communicator suite, which had its numerous software planets heading straight
for collision with both IBM's Notes and Microsoft's Internet products, confused
users probably could have benefited from a few sage words by Galileo. But,
more than likely, Galileo would have been just as mystified by the marketing
movements of this product constellation as every one else. Barksdale and
Galileo surely belong in each other's company, if only so Galileo could ask Jim
what it all meant, anyway.

So how come they don't teach this kind of modern, relevant 20th science in our
schools? It's no wonder our kids are falling behind.

Bottom Line:

Home Users: Get ready to put up icons of Bill Gates everywhere in your
home. Also, be sure to genuflect every time you boot up your PC -- but never,
ever curse in front of his sanctified image should you not be able to get that
CD ROM going under Win95.

Business Users: If the boss gives you a hard time about your ill-fated
decision to switch over from Unix to NT, thereby losing the ability to
effectively scale up, as well as foregoing any hope of robust security, just
point at the digitally-altered picture on your desk of Einstein hugging Bill G.
Tell your bosses that if it's good enough for Albert, it should be good enough
for them, too.

Power Users: Your True Believer prayers have been answered! Gates has
finally ascended into the pantheon of holy geek hood. Continue confusing your
friends, workers, and colleagues with Microsoft double speak, and you, too, may
one day enter the sanctified realm of Bill's Truly Blessed (especially if your
spiritual efforts help Gates double his current net worth of $33 billion to a cool $66 billion.)