Emeril Lagasse's heart goes "Bam!"
Clogged arteries decide to kick it up a notchHealthy diet of lard and Oreos finally catches up with celebrity chef

Man dies from over inhalation of noxious fumes
Deodorant didn't give him the protection he needed against his worst smelling sweat

Minnesota Twins prepare for Subway sandwiches

Presidential candidates debate Palestinian-Israeli conflict
Bush: "Yassir Arafat – major league asshole."Gore: "Palestine and Israel need to put their differences into an iron-clad lockbox. I am reminded of the story of Winifred Skinner, an old lady who collected deposit cans to pay for medication and was shot last week for being a kike. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I just say 'kike'? I-I meant 'Hebrew.' That's the word the polls say I should use, right? Yes…'Hebrew.' In fact, did you know that I invented the Hebrew people? Oh, it's true."

And now, a tribute to Britney Spears. Britney Spears, why do I like you so much? I hate your voice, but I somehow find your music irresistible. "She's so lucky. She's a star. But she cry-cry-cries in her lonely heart…" Despite the current glut of pop princesses on the market, my heart belongs to you, Britney. Why? Is it because Christina Aguilera looks like a slutty Jennifer Lopez in her latest video? Is it because I could be arrested for fucking Mandy Moore? Or is it because neither Christina, Mandy, or even that bitch Jessica have Britney Spears' Britney spheres? I'll take the latter one for $1000.

You and me baby really aren't nothing but mammals. Last Sunday, MTV earned record ratings when their new half-hour comedy show Jackass was watched by 2.4 million 12- to 24-year-olds. It says a lot about our culture when the sight of somebody regurgitating a goldfish transfixes the youth of America. For God's sake, Johnny Knoxville and company make Tom Green look tame, and this was a guy who attended a bar mitzvah dressed as Adolf Hitler. Nevertheless, I have to admit that I think Jackass is a very funny, albeit disturbing show. Just don't be surprised when The NAMBLA Variety Hour hits airwaves next year.

The government is now pressuring Hollywood to clean up the sexual content in its products. You know, when authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned: do not have sex with the authorities.

Radiohead hails from Oxford, England, where they first began playing together in 1987. The quintet eventually signed with Capitol for the release of their first album, 1993's Pablo Honey. Their single "Creep" (off Pablo Honey) shot to the top of the singles charts in both Britain and the United States. After the song faded from the charts, however, many accurately passed the band off as a just another one-hit wonder. In 1995, with the release of The Bends, Radiohead went the way of Hootie And The Blowfish, and their alleged comeback album, OK Computer, released in 1997, was lambasted by critics who called it "the most calculatedly disposable recording in rock and roll history." Facing the threat of being dropped from its label, the band pleaded with executives and were eventually given permission to record Kid A, one last final shot at success. It's a tragedy, really, for Radiohead's music, upon closer listen, is truly a stunning art-rock tour de force. I hope you all go out and buy Kid A, released yesterday, because at this point in their career, Radiohead needs all the support they can get.

American Olympians strike gold in Sydney
"Hey, the toilets really do flush the other way!"

Bob Knight to form new basketball league
XBA will give viewers unprecedented access to activities in locker rooms and on sidelinesProfanity, chair-throwing, and Latrell Sprewell to enhance action and speed of the game

Darryl Strawberry receives two years' house arrest for being a "major league asshole"