Before you read this: Please don't judge me... I'm just sharing my story because I need to get this off my chest...

Wow... okay, I wasn't sure if I was ever going to tell anyone about this, but it's late and I'm sleep deprived so i guess I'll just write it now and regret it in the morning :/

First of all, - just for some background: My mom died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's messed up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.

Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so <><><><> beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy $#!+ went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).

Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.

My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to *@@* her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.

After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging.

Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.

My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was ******* up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.

Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her. But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever <><><><> seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.

A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was shocked.

But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.

I guess the only question I have, is to ask if she is your biological sister? And even if she is, the heart wants what the heart wants. It doesn't make you a freak or anything.

Probably took a lot of courage to post this, so, my condolences for your losses and troubles. And I can say I can kind of relate. I have a cousin who is essentially a porn star. Not that she does porn, but her general attitude and looks denote sexiness. I remember I would always try to sneak looks at her in the shower.

Crash, that's tough right there. I mean you've been through a lot of junk and are trying to play with the hand you were dealt. I don't think anyone here is a legitimate counselor, but I would encourage you to talk to someone. Maybe not your pastor or anyone within your church family, but someone you trust to keep things real and honest. Let me know if there is anything we can do to help out.

BTW, how's the non smoking life?

_________________“Oh, so you think the harness is your ally?
But you merely adopted the harness.
I was born in it, molded by it.
I didn’t see modular electronics until I was already a man,
by then to me it was only blinding.
The harnesses betray you because they belong to me.”

_________________“Oh, so you think the harness is your ally?
But you merely adopted the harness.
I was born in it, molded by it.
I didn’t see modular electronics until I was already a man,
by then to me it was only blinding.
The harnesses betray you because they belong to me.”

I tell you, when I first saw her in that sexy bikini....my light sabre energized...all on it's own.

smoking...well i did have a little hiccup and had a weekend relapse...i wouldn't say I fell off the wagon but rather a little stumble. I still feel like a non-smoker though.

Okay so here is my analysis of the situation. It sounds to me that you never really had someone to teach you about life in general, about the wrongs and the rights and the correct birds and beez. I really think you have some emotional trauma that needs to be helped. Not that it would ever completely solve the love you have for your sister. The mixed signals you would get from her suggests that she has some of the same emotional issues that you did/do and when you are together you can identify with each other in way no one else can.

(Take this with a grain of salt)
Now seeing that you both have those kinds of feelings it may be this identification that is misleading you to mistake these feelings for something more than what they should be. It is not gross or weird to have had these feelings. You can't help it. You said you have been introduced to faith, I suggest you speak to your pastor or priest. I know that would be pretty hard to do but they may be able to help you. Just my 2 cents this is my opinion.

In any case don't feel closed off from the rest of your friends here we like you no matter what. It is not my place to judge you nor is it my place to put blame or guilt on you. My place is to encourage and try to steer you in the right direction through my experiences and with prayer. It is up to God for the rest.

Good Job on the quitting smoking. From what my brother told me, the longer you go the easier it gets but he still has urges for one every once in a while. He has been tobacco free for almost two years.

wow. that took a lot of courage to post and talking about this does help.

1) you never had a family unit and thus, never really had the defined rolls; mom, dad, sister. even though you know this, you never really acted that way. grand parents raised you, father was out of your life as much as he was in. legal problems, stupid mistakes, you have a tilted way of what's right and wrong. now, beauty is beauty, and its hard to deny that. so far, through life you've done the best that you can, but obviously these thoughts creep up and have crept up, which leaves you in the situation that you are in now.

2) find a therapist. you can use whatever excuse for the family you want, like helping to keep you smoke free. you are in the realm of professional help. i know enough of pop-psychology to know when my knowledge is way, way out.

3) no matter what you think of your sister, do you want to throw everything you have with your wife, family away? not saying fear is the best deterrent but it worked for nuclear weapons and has kept many a family together. i know it works for me, cause i never want to loose what i have with my GF, for some dalliance that may be great for the moment, but not for the rest of my life.

so go find help.

though, to try and put a smile on your face, your in the south, so that sort of thing is well common in some areas.

if it was an LCD I was going to make a VooDoo doll of you and stab the 5h!t out of you for swapping boards... but no LCD, so swap away. Cuz you were gonna be all rolling on the floor n' scream'n n' 5h!t... you wer're gonna be like "ah gods!...what have I done!!" and I was gonna be like "take that you eclipse bastardizing piece of fecal matter!"

if it was an LCD I was going to make a VooDoo doll of you and stab the 5h!t out of you for swapping boards... but no LCD, so swap away. Cuz you were gonna be all rolling on the floor n' scream'n n' 5h!t... you wer're gonna be like "ah gods!...what have I done!!" and I was gonna be like "take that you eclipse bastardizing piece of fecal matter!"

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