Who Won Every Ridiculous Food-Related March Madness Bracket

With the close of the NCAA tournament, the season of bracketology has come to an end. There will be no more crying over money lost and the disappointing chokes that ruined your picks until the return of March in 2014. But before we let this moment pass once and for all, we thought we would look back at all the food-related brackets that were painstakingly crafted on the Internet for literally no reason at all.

Monumental victories like Arby’s over Chick-Fil-A, and Tony the Tiger over Toucan Sam, should not go unheralded. Some of these contests—like a quest to crown the best type of meat—represent food-writing trolling at its most insipid. Others are more creative and well-wrought, like Vice’s at-times hilarious fast-food bracket, and Paste‘s comprehensive tasting of American IPAs.

Here, we present to you nine food-and-drink brackets and their winners—find out if your favorite discontinued snack made it to the Final Four, and what type of martini is the best type of martini according to some folks on the ‘net.

Cereal Mascot Bracket

Rub by: Thrillist
Winner: Still going down...Tony the Tiger versus Sonny from Cocoa Puffs are going head-to-head on Facebook, so vote now!
The theory behind this bracket is that most people watching the 2013 NCAAs eat a lot cereal—sit on the couch, catch the game, eat Golden Grahams. Maybe the Thrillist dudes aren't wrong. But did we really need to pit those three fools Snap, Crackle, and Pop against the likes of Sonny the Cocoa Puffs bird? And who the hell is Chef Wendell, anyway? (Oh, he's the Cinnamon Toast Crunch bro!)
Though it hasn't been decided, our money is on Tony, because he is a legend and Frosted Flakes are the truth.
[via thrillist.com]

Chef Madness Bracket

Run by: The Daily Meal
Winner: Michael Symon
This somewhat confusing bracket was ostensibly about chefs—chosen at random it seems, with a mix of both serious toques (Alex Stupak) and TV hacks (Anne Burrell)—with sub-categories about food, cocktails, and beer. In the end, it came down to Michael Symon and Jeffrey Zakarian, margaritas and White Russians, Buffalo wings and sliders, and Guinness and High Life.
Michael Symon won the whole thing—WOOO HOOO, who cares, it's a bracket about what exactly? At least it spawned this bizarre illustration created to represent all the finalists. Where can we buy a print?
[via dailymeal.com]

Top of the Hops Bracket

Run by: Paste Magazine
Winner: Firestone Walker Union Jack IPA
If the comments section of our 30 IPAs to Drink Before You Die list is anything to go by, people have a lot of opinions about hoppy brews. Paste Magazine picked 64 American IPAs to taste blind, dividing the competitors into regions based on geography. After a thorough round-by-round break down by seven judges, it came down to Firestone Walker Union Jack IPA from Paso Robles, CA versus Cigar City Jai Alai IPAfrom Tampa, FL. Firestone Walker eventually took the title of best IPA in America.
This one was actually pretty well done, with some great beers in the mix and thoughtful notes throughout. We are just jealous we weren't involved in the tasting.
[via pastemagazine.com]

Fast Food Bracket

Run by: Vice
Winner: Arby's
Though there is no physical bracket to view, the irreverent Vice folks tackled the topic of fast-food chains in March Madness fashion, breaking them into categories: Lard Region, Beef Region, XXL Region, and Roughage Region.
The chains squared of in head-to-head showdowns, with explanations for who won each round reading something like this: "McDonald’s is hosted by a clown and their only item that isn’t shitted up are the french fries; Denny’s gives you actual silverware, so fuck Denny’s: McDonald’s." And this, too: "I have seen a guy puke on a table at Steak ‘n Shake, and the puke stayed on the table until we left; Boston Market’s initials are BM: Boston Market."
This one's a fun read, but Arby's trumping all the rest? We just can't get behind that.
[via Vice.com]

Meat, Fast Food, Snacks, Candy, Etc.

Run by: So Good
Winners: Still running, and incredibly hard to follow
Food-centric blog So Good took the hyperactive inanity of made-up brackets to new heights, running individual brackets for everything from discontinued snacks (the final four included Surge, Ecto Coolers, Butterfingers BBs, and Planter's Cheez Balls) to fast food (Dairy Queen eked it out over Wendy's). The most ridiculous contest focused on meats—just general ones, not brands—and included absurd showdowns like rabbit versus ostrich and lobster versus clams. Still, thousands of people voted. The Internet is a strange, strange place.
[via sogoodblog.com]

Battle of the Brands: Southern Food Bracket

Run by: Garden & Gun
Winner: Krispy Kreme
Leave it to one of our favorite Southern food mags to make a bracket about sodas, sweets, snacks, and pantry items from below the Mason-Dixon. The final four came down to Coca Cola (GA), Lance Toast Cheese Crackers (NC), Duke's Mayonnaise (SC), and Krispy Kreme Donuts (NC).
Was there really every any doubt about who would take the crown? Krispy Kremes (or "Cracky Cremes" as Chris Rock calls them) trump all.
[via GardenandGun.com]

The Alabama BBQ Bracket

Run by: Year of Alabama Food
Winner: Jim 'N Nick's, Birmingham
Alabama barbecue behemoths going head to head in a BBQ bracket—why the hell not?! In the end it was Jim 'N Nick's from Birmingham that would take the title of best barbecue over Sam's BBQ from Montgomery.
Known for their cheese biscuits and pulled pork, Jim 'N Nick's pulled this one off primarily through Facebook support. Ah, yes, another meaningless title from a totally pointless bracket. Still, at least we now have a list of 64 places to eat BBQ in Alabama.
[via yearofalabamafood.com]

Martini Madness: The Bracket

Run by: Slate
Winners: M.F.K. Fisher's Gibson and The Contemporary Standard
We have to hand it to Slate—the Martini Madness bracket is pretty brilliant. Unlike some of the other more obnoxious foodie brackets, this one if full of boozy recipes, and it's a fun look at just how many variations their are on the classic cocktail.
At the end, the final two standing were M.F.K. Fisher's Gibson (which sees both and onion and a lemon—a.k.a. class) and The Contemporary Standard (made with citrus bitters).
[via slate.com]

Malted Madness Bracket

Run by: Gear Patrol
Winners: Victory Prima Pils, Two Brothers Domaine DuPage, Founders Breakfast Stout, and Sierra Nevada Bigfoot Barleywine
With the tagline, "In defense of the Everyman beer," Gear Patrol's Malted Madness features craft beers facing off in brackets organized by different styles. The tasting panel was made up of four judges (two of which were experts from ABC Beer Co.), who all blindly sipped brews to pick the winners of each round. The results: Victory Prima Pils for lagers, Two Brothers Domaine DuPage for light ales, Founders Breakfast Stout for dark ales, and Sierra Nevada Bigfoot Barleywine for the "et. al." category.
[via gearpatrol.com]

With the close of the NCAA tournament, the season of bracketology has come to an end. There will be no more crying over money lost and the disappointing chokes that ruined your picks until the return of March in 2014. But before we let this moment pass once and for all, we thought we would look back at all the food-related brackets that were painstakingly crafted on the Internet for literally no reason at all.
Monumental victories like Arby's over Chick-Fil-A, and Tony the Tiger over Toucan Sam, should not go unheralded. Some of these contests—like a quest to crown the best type of meat—represent food-writing trolling at its most insipid. Others are more creative and well-wrought, like Vice's at-times hilarious fast-food bracket, and Paste's comprehensive tasting of American IPAs.
Here, we present to you nine food-and-drink brackets and their winners—find out if your favorite discontinued snack made it to the Final Four, and what type of martini is the best type of martini according to some folks on the 'net.