Welcome to The Mundane Adventures of a Fangirl

I consider myself a Fangirl. What does that mean, you ask? A "fanboy" in the most common understanding is a hardcore fan of 'genre' based entertainment in particular. In my case - science-fiction and comic book based movies and television. Because I'm a chick - it's fangirl, not fanboy. There you have it! I am a big movie fan, however, not necessarily a 'film' fan. And now - I have the forum to present my opinions to the public! These will mainly be movie reviews -that will always be my opinion - repeat OPINION. Just what I think, and in no way do I present my opinion as fact. I hope you enjoy and maybe it will help you decide what to see at the movie theater this weekend!

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

TV Movie Review: Sharknado 5: Global Swarming (TV-14, 90 minutes)

Disclaimer – in no way do I support any kind violence towards sharks,
because the majority of them are endangered and need our support because they are key to healthy ocean eco-systems. On the other hand, terribly CGIed sharks that are
chomping as they fall from CGIed tornadoes …

If you’re not familiar with the Sharknado series that airs
on SyFy, let me see if I can sum them up for you. In the first movie, bartender and former
surfer Fin Shepard collected his family with the assistance of his employee
Nova as he went through Los Angeles evading a sharknado. What is a sharknado? I’m shocked you have to
ask – it’s exactly what it sounds like – a tornado filled with sharks. Why?
In the first movie, due to global warming side effects, sharks were
massing in large amounts off the coast of L.A., and a hurricane spun off
several tornadoes – which picked up sharks from the ocean, and rolled through
the city, periodically dumping sharks here and there, which then chomped
through random celebrity cameos and extras.

In the second movie, Fin and April reconnected, and traveled
to New York, which was of course then hit by a sharknado. In the third movie, the sharknadoes got so
big they took over the eastern seaboard, most notably hitting Universal Studios
in Florida, which led to several hilarious shark landings. In order to defeat it, Fin teamed up with his
father, Gil, who worked for NASA, to suck the sharknado up into space – this
resulted in two amazing things, Gil got stuck on the moon (don’t worry, he got
back in time for the fourth movie), and pregnant April got swallowed up by a
space-going great white, Fin went in after her and April gave birth to their
son in the belly of a great white as it fell back to earth, seriously.

Because she was mostly crushed by space debris, the fourth movie
picks up with April’s crazy inventor father reconstructing her into a cyborg,
while Fin, his cousin Gemini, and his son Gil battle a sharknado through Vegas,
which then splits into several ‘nadoes, all picking up different things as they
spin across the country (firenado, oilnado, cownado – you get the idea). The movie ends with the family reunited and
reconnecting with Nova as she informs them Sharknadoes are now worldwide.

That leads us to the beginning of Sharknado 5: Global
Swarming. Nova is spelunking in a cave
under Stonehenge, and contacts Fin for assistance. Fin, April, and son Gil are
hanging out with the prime minister of England (no, I'm not entirely sure why they are hanging out with the prime minister).
Fin heads off to help Nova, and April and Gil meet a Q-style tech genius
who gives Gil a helmet that will protect him, even from Sharknado-level winds.

Meanwhile, Fin and Nova have an Indiana
Jones-style excursion to snag a shark-fin stone with a gem in it, and learn
from pictograms on the wall that even ancient druids were battling mystical
sharknadoes. Guys, the sharknadoes are
mystical! After they remove the stone
(never remove the stone), a huge sharknado appears out of nowhere, and wipes
out most of London. And that was just
the cold open. You then get the awesome
theme song and animated credits sequence.

Since Gil was sucked into the sharknado, April and Fin set
off on a worldwide quest to figure out what the stone means, and how to use it to
not only defeat the sharknadoes, but use them as teleporting devices to get all
over the world! That’s right, not only are the sharknadoes mystical, but Fin
and April can use the stone to summon and then use them transportation. They go from London to Australia – where they
meet Nova’s collection of Sharknado Sisters – a group of women that Nova had
collected to battle Sharknadoes wherever and whenever they appear – and who
apparently configured the Sydney Opera House to a battleship (no, seriously,
that happens).

After some of her group
help rebuild April, they end up in the Alps, then in Brazil, then in Rome
(where they met the pope, who gives Fin a holy chainsaw and have to reclaim the stone from Greg Lougainis), then finally in Egypt
– now, I may have gotten some of that wrong in terms of the order, and I may
have missed a stop or two. Fin and April
were terrible at traveling by Sharknado and it was tough to keep up!

Fin’s cousin Gemini is one of Nova’s Sharknado Sisters based
in Japan, and a Sharkzilla rolls through Tokyo.
What’s a Sharkzilla? It appears
to be a giant shark shape made up of smaller mutated sharks that mutated when
they spun off a sharknado and rolled through some nuclear waste leftover from the previous movie. You
heard me right, it’s a literal spin-off.

Anyway, while in Egypt – Fin and April discover more ancient
artifacts, and a device that turns off the sharknadoes, but only after losing both Gil and Nova. That
seems to work, but then for some reason that I missed, something goes wrong,
and a massive sharknado storm spreads over the entire world. April is able to dissipate it, but only by
sacrificing herself. This leads to Fin
walking through an apocalyptic nightmare landscape with her head in a bag (yes, her head in a bag - remember, she's mostly cyborg) when
he is finally tracked down by Dolph Lundgren in a time traveling jeep (you also read that right, Dolph Lundgren in a time-traveling jeep) who
tells Fin that he is Gil from the future, and he needs his help to set all this
right. Wow, that sentence was crazy. With any luck, Sharknado 6 will
be the two of them using time travel to reset everything!

The movie is once again directed by Anothony C. Ferrante (he
directed all the previous installments), and somehow, he manages to continually
up the crazy. I was not sure how he was
going to go from the insanity of various types of ‘nadoes in 4. He does it by spoofing several genres:
Indiana Jones and Bond, etc. He also
does it by shifting back to focusing on fighting the sharknadoes themselves, as
opposed to hilariously battling sharks in crazy situations as they have landed
after being dropped out of a sharknado.
I actually really appreciate that aspect, as we’ve seen people slapping
sharks around and getting eaten by sharks as they fall all over the
place.

I also really appreciated the
added mystical element, and that you can teleport through sharknadoes, because
why not? I liked the addition of the
ancient “shark god” aspect, but wanted a little more there. After all, I’m pretty sure King Shark from
the Flash TV show had some time off and could have played that part. Yes, I wrote that sentence as if King Shark
were real. I have a thing for him and
his sexy shorts.

In any case, the movie is complete and total nonsense, and
it was endlessly entertaining.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again, half the charm
of these movies comes from Ian Ziering and his absolute commitment to play
these as seriously as possible, no matter the nonsense coming out of his
mouth.

Tara Reid is getting better as we go along, no longer
sleepwalking through the movies, and at this point, actively having some fun
with the silly. No, there's no explanation for why when she is rebuilt she gets 90s popstar pink highlights.

Cassandra Scerbo is back as Nova and her hatred of
sharks. She was in 1, 3, and now 5. In theory she got killed off here, but if
time travel is now an option, I’m sure she’ll be back. I am not sure what I
thought about her leather sharknado-battling wonder-woman-style outfit, but hey
– I’ll go with it. I do really want to
see a spin-off about her starting the Sharknado Sisterhood.

Billy Barratt plays young Gil, and honestly, he had nothing
to do but wear his shark helmet and scream as he’s rotated around inside a
sharknado for most of the movie. I’m so excited that he turned into Dolph
Lundgren.

Cody Linley briefly reprises his role as Matt, April and
Fin’s other son, and he seems to be building a family home somewhere. I would assume because his schedule wouldn’t
allow him to join main filming, but he still wanted to participate – and I
appreciate that. No sign of Ryan Newman
as their daughter Claudia, she’s mentioned as being off somewhere.

Overall, it is total and complete nonsense, but I actually
liked it better than the fourth. Enjoy
the silliness, and remember, the science is sound.

10 of 10 – because really, these movies exist outside a
normal grading scale. It will be
replaying for some time on SyFy. Do yourself a favor, turn off your brain and
give it a watch, you’ll laugh out loud more than once!

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About Me

I use my blog as an outlet for my rantings about movies and pop culture in general. This will spare my friends and family from my near-constant lecturing on the state of movies today, but will unleash that lecturing into the bloggosphere - sorry!
I can't promise to be entertaining, but I will certainly try to be.
I will promise movie reviews - and lots of them.
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