Not tonight, Napoleon

The gender-bender is now more of a corkscrew. Asexuals have been added to the list which comprise the hetero, homo, bi, poly and even pan-sexual. Unlike the rest, who have no problem with sex and differ only in who or what they want to have it with, asexuals simply don’t want it. It’s not that they can’t, it’s just that they won’t. It’s not because they want a hormonal holiday. Or because they want to withhold foreplay as an instrument of power play. Or because they have a headache, real or feigned. It’s just that they can’t seem to arouse any interest in the sexual act. Ever.

Big deal, you may say, citing all the evolved souls before and after Gandhiji. But asexuals haven’t consciously willed themselves into abstinence. They are genetically unwilling. Unlike the yogis who achieve the greatness of abstinence, or unfortunate spouses who have abstinence thrust upon them, this lot is simply born abstaining. You can either pity them or envy them or both at different times, depending on the prevailing state of your bedtime sorties.

Asexuals come closer to Platonic love than to heartless abstainers or misogynists because they reportedly see themselves as ‘hetero-romantic’ or ‘homo-romantic’. They are also presumably consumed by all the other genres of hidden trysts even if consummation isn’t even remotely on the agenda.

Asexuality is not new, its documentation is. Asexuals had organised themselves as a registered community as early as 2001 with the launch of a UK-based website. It gathered 50,000 followers worldwide in less time than it takes to say, “No, thank you”, in 50 languages. But it was only last month that they held their first non-academic conference, at London’s Southbank University. There’s also been a recent book, Understanding Asexuality. Its Canadian author breaks it up into two types, those who have no sex drive at all, and those who, like Master Bates, have it but direct it only at themselves. Our overworked sexperts may want to tweak their advice in the light of this ‘semenal’ research.

The London conference hoped to have asexuality “recognised as a valid sexual orientation rather than a disorder or something people have to hide”. This is the point being made with increasing emphasis by all the differently wired groups who comprise the ‘Guys, Let’s Be Tolerant’, or GLBT, community. But despite their passion and parades, the great unwashed, uninformed and unrepentant masses insist that everyone must be heterosexual, or else face the hate-rosexual.

Sometimes even the fully acculturated can be caught offguard. Like the courageous Teresita ‘Bai’ Bagasao who later became a UNAIDS country director. At a conference, she introduced herself to a delegate, saying, “I’m from the Philippines, and i’m Bai.” To which he responded, “I’m from the US, and i’m Gay.”

You may be alarmed/relieved to know that the number of asexuals is not as insignificant as a one-night stand. Latest estimates put it at a full 1% of the population. These stats are from Britain, where the only stiff anatomical appendage used to be the upper lip. Remember the 1971 comedy, ‘No Sex Please, We’re British’? Or the chapter titled ‘Sex’ in the hilarious book How To Be An Alien by Hungarian immigrant George Mikes? It comprised just one line: ‘Other people have sex, the English have hot-water bottles.’

That country has since achieved libidinous liberation, but will its erstwhile colony hope for reverse engineering for its own crown jewels? Here’s a thought. True asexuality could finally free the Indian male from his congenital sindrome of sex on the mind — and in any place where he can forcibly impose it. You could call it a retrosexual revolution.

***

Alec Smart said, “It’s now the ‘shot messaging service’.”

DISCLAIMER : Views expressed above are the author's own.

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Bachi Karkaria's Erratica and its cheeky sign-off character, Alec Smart, have had a growing league of followers since 1994 when the column began in the Metropolis on Saturday. It now appears on the Edit Page of the Times of India, every Thursday. It takes a sly dig at whatever has inflated political/celebrity egos, and got public knickers in a twist that week. It makes you chuckle, think and marvel at the elasticity of the English language. Bachi Karkaria also writes Giving Gyan in the Mumbai Mirror, and its fellow publications in other cities. It is a shooting-from-the-lip advice column to the lovelorn and otherwise torn, telling them to stop cribbing and start living -- all in her her branded pithy, witty style.

Bachi Karkaria's Erratica and its cheeky sign-off character, Alec Smart, have had a growing league of followers since 1994 when the column began in the Metr. . .

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Bachi Karkaria's Erratica and its cheeky sign-off character, Alec Smart, have had a growing league of followers since 1994 when the column began in the Metropolis on Saturday. It now appears on the Edit Page of the Times of India, every Thursday. It takes a sly dig at whatever has inflated political/celebrity egos, and got public knickers in a twist that week. It makes you chuckle, think and marvel at the elasticity of the English language. Bachi Karkaria also writes Giving Gyan in the Mumbai Mirror, and its fellow publications in other cities. It is a shooting-from-the-lip advice column to the lovelorn and otherwise torn, telling them to stop cribbing and start living -- all in her her branded pithy, witty style.

Bachi Karkaria's Erratica and its cheeky sign-off character, Alec Smart, have had a growing league of followers since 1994 when the column began in the Metr. . .