Tag Archives: wedding

The months preceding a marriage should be used by a couple to seriously consider whether they wish to be truly committed to one another and feel that they can do so. It’s not unusual for one or both of them to have questions, concerns or even fears about marriage. Occasionally, these reservations lead them to call off the wedding.

I’ve known several couples who after going through marriage preparation decided not to marry. Rather than considering this a failure, it’s probably good to know early—before they promise to love and honor ‘til death do they part—that at least one of them has serious doubts as to their long-term success. Unfortunately, it’s often just one person in the couple who comes to that conclusion, leaving the other broken-hearted.

A recent study caught my attention that analyzed these pre-wedding jitters of couples who went ahead and got married. Did having these fears predict a later divorce? Psychologists from the University of California, Los Angeles surveyed 250 couples a few months after they got married. They conducted follow-up surveys every six months for four years.

The researchers concluded that wives’ uncertainty before marriage was a better predictor of a later divorce than were husbands’ reservations. They also found the wives who had doubts before marriage tended to be less satisfied with the marriages. And couples in which both partners had doubts were linked with a 20 percent divorce rate.

Considerably more husbands had doubts about getting married—47 percent—compared with wives at 38 percent. However, the wives’ doubts were better predictors of impending marital trouble. Nineteen percent of the women who had doubts about getting married were divorced within four years, while 8 percent of wives who did not have reservations were divorced four years later. For men, 14 percent of the husbands with doubts were split in four years, compared with 9 percent of husbands who did not have doubts getting hitched.

Researchers said marital jitters were significant predictors even when they took other factors into consideration, including cohabitation, whether the couple had divorced parents, or the difficulty of their engagement.

Newlywed wives with doubts about the marriage were two-and-a-half times more likely to divorce within four years than wives who did not have these doubts. And even the wives (who had doubts) who stayed together after four years were significantly less satisfied with their marriage than wives who did not experience these doubts.

“There’s no evidence that problems in a marriage just go away and get better. If anything problems are more likely to escalate,” said Lavner. So, for couples not yet married, explore any reservations you may have, and go through premarital preparation to help you discuss important issues before tying the knot.

For couples who are already married, that is not to say marital problems can’t be solved; there is hope for all marriages, and many (experts say most) problems can be solved.

I should also add that I know some individuals who had jitters that faded away once they made the decision to commit to one another. It was the commitment decision itself that gave them jitters, not the person to whom they were engaged. Only you know whether your feelings of doubt are serious or fleeting.

Seventeen years ago, I married a young man who made me laugh, who shared my dreams, values and faith. It turned out to be the right decision.

We met young and dated for years. But you don’t really know someone until you’re both sleep deprived with toddlers, or grieving at the loss of a loved one. When you’re under the stresses of life, your true character comes out.

So, what have I learned after 17 years of marriage? I’ve learned that after day 6,206, when you get up in the morning, it still matters what you say and do with your spouse. We can’t say, well it’s been this many years, so we’ve made it. Instead we have to choose love each day, even when we don’t feel loved and appreciated (although we try to communicate these). We have to choose our response, our words, and our actions. We have to forgive and move on. We have to look for the best in each other and look for the best for each other.

We have to fit fun into our lives even when we’re busy–whether it’s a family trip away, an early tennis game, or a lunch date on a weekday. We have to make time to connect, to share, to talk.

Honestly, it doesn’t seem that long ago that all our friends and family surrounded us on a sunny September afternoon. But we’ve grown a lot as friends, as parents, as partners, as people. We aren’t the same people who walked down the aisle back in 1995. (Read my most popular post ever, We all married the wrong person.) Thankfully, we’ve stuck close on the journey so that we’re closer together now than we were even on that perfect day.

Yet, tomorrow again, we will have the same choices to make.

What have you learned during your marriage that helps you keep proper perspective for the long haul?

If you’re a long-time reader of this blog, please consider getting a copy of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, family interference and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in all e-book formats at www.LoriDLowe.com.

With wedding season upon us, so many couples are about to blissfully enter into marriage, hopefully with dreams and ideas of their long and happy lives together. Do you remember those times? Maybe you’re long past your newlywed days. What advice would you give them?

I’m reading one of the reported “best books of all time,” Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. Nearly smack dab in the middle of the book, I was struck by a character’s experiences of entering marriage. Levin had adored and loved Kitty for many years and dreamed of marrying her. Finally, the stars aligned and they were engaged. They had an elaborate wedding and went off into the country to begin their lives together. Levin never expected petty annoyances to get in the way of their love, and he was surprised how easily this happened. I want to share a short excerpt from the book, because I think it offers a great image of expectations along with reality.

“He was happy; but on entering upon family life he saw at every step that it was utterly different from what he had imagined. At every step he experienced what a man would experience who, after admiring the smooth, happy course of a little boat on a lake, should get himself into that little boat. He saw that it was not at all sitting still, floating smoothly; that one had to think too, not for an instant to forget where one was floating; and that there was water under one, and that one must row; and that his unaccustomed hands would be sore; and that it was only to look at that was easy; but that doing it, though very delightful, was very difficult.”

Tolstoy goes on to say, “As a bachelor, when he had watched other people’s squabbles, the jealousy, he had only smiled contemptuously in his heart. In his future married life there could be, he was convinced, nothing of the sort…”

I thought the description was fitting for life and for marriage. We often envision a future that is nearly perfect like that little boat floating along. But once we get farther down our path and feel the sun beating down on the rocking boat and realize that it’s work to maneuver the boat, we are surprised. It doesn’t mean it’s not delightful, but that it requires our effort can sometimes be unexpected. Levin sees his life as “suffused with the brilliant light of happiness” so it’s not that he is disappointed in marriage. However, his expectations were simply different from reality, at least at the beginning.

In many ways, we have expectations for our partner that are different from our reality, often not in a bad way, just different. Keeping perspective on this might help us maneuver through some of the potential conflicts in relationships.

I’ve often heard young parents make a similar confession, saying that they always imagined what perfect parents they would be until the real child rearing challenges became apparent. It doesn’t mean they don’t love the role of parenting, just that it was far different from their expectations. Forgiving ourselves from our parenting mistakes becomes just as important as forgiving our partner for their perceived failings.

What expectations do you still carry with you into your marriage? What petty annoyances are you allowing to create division with your mate? How do you dream about and picture your future 10 or 20 years from now? And what advice do you have for those starry-eyed couples about to be wed?

Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, family interference and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in all e-book formats at www.LoriDLowe.com.

These might fall under the category of “duh” but I consider them reminders worth repeating, so I’ll pass along:

If you’re engaged, and you think marriage will resolve problems in your relationship, sorry Charlie. Marriage generally magnifies–rather than diminishes–conflict or disputes. Do yourself a favor and hash out your differences in premarital counseling, allowing your marriage to flourish rather than crash and burn. Don’t be shy about it. Every couple has conflict; the ones who last merely learned how to move past them.

Secondly, despite the hopes of the young and naive, having a baby isn’t the solution to a rocky relationship. Quite the contrary, in fact. The year after the first child is born is generally one of the most stressful times for a couple. Take the time to work out your issues before taking the parenting plunge–or before having another child. (While you’re at it, be sure you’ve agreed on how you’ll handle childcare, work and home responsibilities.) For stable couples, parenting can be a complete joy, but for couples in conflict, the lack of time and sleep only exacerbate marital woes and may worsen feelings of anger and ambivalence.

Do you have experiences to share about these or other lessons learned prior to taking the next “big step” in your relationship? What do you wish you had known before you married or as a newlywed?