My 3-year-old daughter snooped through my purse this afternoon, helping herself to a bag of Goldfish crackers and a Dora the Explorer notebook I carry for on-the-spot amusement at banks, dry cleaners and other places that might bore a preschooler.

It made me think of an incident my friend Amy told me about (which I relayed in a post a few weeks ago). Basically, a mother physically and verbally slapped her child in public for going through her purse.

Although I felt the mother’s reaction was extreme and harsh, I am now wondering if it’s OK to let your kid go through your purse? Because, truthfully, I didn’t care that Zoe went through mine. Without asking. And grabbed a snack and notebook. Without asking.

Am I being too lax? Should I be teaching her boundaries and respect for other people’s items? And why do I always second-guess my parenting like this?Some things I do tell her she cannot snoop through: My wallet, for one. (I can just see her gleefully shredding my dollars.) Certain drawers at home (the one with all of our bills and important documents; oh, and the one with all of my underwear and bras, although with my sock drawer, she can go crazy).

She knows that there are certain parts of the house she cannot venture into (basement storage area, with sharp tools). She cannot touch her daddy’s office desk, although mine she dismantles in minutes (because I never tell her not to since I don’t care that much).

For the most part, she obeys when something is forbidden.

Maybe it’s this way with all parents: There are some things I am lax about while other times, I’m a stickler.

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9 Responses to Too lax? Too strict? What is your discipline style?

Mary Bethsays:

April 28, 2008 at 1:26 pm

You sound just like me. There are things I am strict about like saying please and thank you and saying Bless you when someone sneazes. And bed time, there is no arguing on that one. But there are alot of things I kind of relax about. Like sitting perectly at the table. And I would never be able to talk to my parents the way my children talk to me. I want my children to say what they feel. I don’t let them go too far but I want openness with them. When I was young I couldn’t tell my parents when they were wrong. They grew up in a time when children were seen and not heard. They weren’t that bad. I guess every generation is different than the last. We try to be different and that is just natural.

Your discipline sounds just fine! Lax and strict can mean different levels to different people. I think letting my toddler sticking her hand in my purse is a no-no (I keep the travel size hand sanitizer and aspirin which I don’t want her playing with), but her daddy lets her dismantle his wallet all the time. She can do whatever she wants short of scribbling on the walls in her room, but she can’t touch certain things in ours. My sister thinks we’re too strict on her diet, my friend is shocked we let her have a cookie. Eh.

I think you’re a stickler for the important things, like manners and kindness and appreciation. The contents of a purse can be put back in, so if it’s fun and it’s keeping her occupied, I say what’s the harm!? I let my 1-year-old nephew play with my purse, but I just make sure I take the important things out that I don’t want him messing with.

Jane, Pinks & Blues

9ndhousesays:

April 28, 2008 at 4:31 pm

Sounds like you have a good mix to me, kids really need and want structure in their lives. Structure is what helps them feel secure. Your daughter obviously knows she can mess up your desk but stays away from dads. She might challenge that one day just to make sure you mean business and comfirm your roll as MOM, but that is natural. I try to always use a balance to our structure. The kids can’t just get in my fridge or cabinets and eat anything, but they can have a choice from the snack bowl 2x/day. They can play anytime AFTER chores and school work. They can take “things and purses” with them in the van, AS LONG AS they don’t leave them there and loose the priviledge of doing so. Everything is balanced, for their safty I do require instant obedience. My little one who forgets to wait and trys to run across the parking lot can be stopped on a dime by saying STOP! and screech goes the tennis shoes! We practice this at home by playing a game. At any given time I might command- sit down, or jump, or go to your room. They will all hurry and do what ever I said to be the first, just a little training in listening for my voice. They all love the game, love to obey because I am fair and consistant. Being consistant is the key for us. As for the purse? I choose my battles. Everyone is different, if your purse is not off limits for your daughter then that is your choice! I have a concealed weapons permit and my purse is off limits for my children. They know why and respect my rules if they were to find my purse not put away (which is never!). My room is off limits, so is my desk, so is a lot of other areas,but they know their limits and for the most part obey. Yes, they chanllege me. But that is my job! to teach! to love! to train in the way they should go! But most of my friends actually think I’m too lax, like when the kids climb on top of the stock trailer, or go out in the timber alone, or play by the pond, or jump their bikes off a homemade ramp, or…… Areas we have taught our kids what’s ok and what’s not ok, but most parents wouldn’t allow at all. We love to learn and explore and run and play! All things they can do within their boundaries that my husband and I have consistantly taught them. So, choose your battles, choose you boundaries, set your rules (and consequences) and enjoy the life that’s yours to live! Hope it helps, sorry I talk to much mother of 7

to me, it’s less about being lax and more about keeping yourself sane. If I told my two year old no every time he did something different than I would, we would both be pretty miserable. So I make a judgement call: going through purse, we’ll survive. Hitting, throwing a tantrum, being rude or disrespectful: never, ever ok. He feels independant and I don’t lose my mind.

Yeah, I think it’s totally fine. But that’s me. It might be important to distinguish between “family rules” and what to do around other people. Like jumping on the couch is ok at home, but not when you visit other people’s houses. It’s ok to go through Mommy’s purse, but not Mommy’s friends’ purses. I doubt she’s going to grow-up thinking that she has free access to every purse she sees, so if it doesn’t bother you, what’s the big deal? I try to ask myself if the boundaries I make are really necessary or just slightly more convenient for me. My daughter goes through my diaper bag all the time, I just take my wallet out and let her go to town.

Lesliesays:

April 29, 2008 at 2:26 pm

I guess I am like most other mothers on this blog. I am definitely more leniant (sp?) than my parents, but probably a lot more strict than other parents my age, I’m 22. There is definitely no place for disrespect in our house; please, thank you, yes ma’am, no ma’am, I cringe when I hear children say “What” to their parents, and telling me no is the biggest No No of all. I do believe that now days, parents don’t demand the respect of their children that they deserve. I am more strict than others because I want my child to know that she has to earn respect (respect comes with age and life experience), your not born with it. I too though will listen to my child more than my parents did. If anything ever happened at school and I was in trouble, in their eyes, it was automatically my fault. If I attempted to explain the situation and give my side, I was talking back and that was NOT accepted. I felt very alone at those times and I don’t want my child to have those feelings, but she does need to realize that she has to listen to learn.

ZinNCsays:

April 30, 2008 at 3:21 pm

I would say that it all depends on you and your child.

Normally I’m a very relaxed person. If my life is a little out of order it’s no big deal to me. If plans don’t go my way or my dishes sit in the sink overnight I don’t fret. Or at least… that’s how I used to be.

My son has autism. The world is a completely different place to me now. I drive the same way to the same grocery store on the same day… every time. My son isn’t allowed to get into my purse or bags because I may have things in there he isn’t allowed (I have medication for a neurological disorder and he has a prescription for a medicine which is also used for heart patients. Obviously if he took either of the medications accidentally he’d likely die.) and for the broader scale of that I have to constantly enforce personal boundaries. My son will sometimes go up to a stranger and reach into their pocket! So obviously with me I have to “pick my battles” in a unique manner, looking at the broad picture with my son rather than the moment. Once I teach him something is okay it will take forever to unteach that lesson. Not to say that I’m not lax on certain things. If he gets toothpaste all over himself that’s OK but it’s NOT OK to not wash it off before he goes about his day. It’s OK to jump in puddles while it’s raining but it’s NOT OK to stay in the wet clothes after we go inside. It’s OK to play in the tub but it’s NOT OK to splash water out onto the floor. OK to jump and dance around the table when he hears music he likes during dinner but NOT OK to do so with his fork in his hands! So many things that may seem silly but if I don’t enforce them that’s when the world falls.

My discipline philosophy? I suppose if I had one it’d be to constantly remind myself that I am not raising a child… I’m raising a future adult. Not to say that I treat my son as an adult but that I must enforce in him the behaviors and understandings I’d expect an adult to have. If I don’t now he will never learn later.

Do I second guess myself? Hahaha… do I breathe? All the time. Yes! I second guess if I’m acting out of what my parents did wrong with me and always wondering when I’m going wrong with my son… what bad habits I’m passing to him. I second guess if I allow my son too many freedoms and independent moments and I wonder if I’m really preparing him as much as I’d like to think. But… I’m only human. We are our own worst critics. So I just sit back and I remind myself of my favorite quote: “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.”. Aristotle said that and I think he was right. Being great as mothers, women, and even human beings… is not something we are born with or taught… they are habits we choose to live by. So as long as I remember that and make the best parts of my parenting a habit then I know I’m doing the best I can for my son.

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