It's going to be an awful campaign, awful. Yesterday we were at Labour HQ (they still have a smart new building in Westminster, but after the election they may move to a scout hut in Streatham) to see the video.

It was introduced by the home secretary and by Harriet Harman, glossier than ever. Her eyes were like French-polished lentils. I spoke to colleagues afterwards, and we agreed that she seemed to be staring balefully at each of us. Like a very cross Mona Lisa, her eyes follow you round the room.

Alan Johnson has been buried deep in the Home Office for months now. Few politicians ever emerge from that Bastille oubliette, and if they do get out, they gibber about wanting to live naked in the woods, eat wild fungi, and weave baskets from osiers.

But Mr Johnson looked perky – and even shinier than Ms Harman. He had shiny white hair, a shiny grey suit and a shiny silver tie. He looked like the host at an ice-dancing contest.

They wanted us to look again at Tory policy on crime. This is because Labour is repositioning itself as the hanging and flogging party, whereas the Tories are a bunch of bleeding-heart, Guardian-reading milquetoasts.

Even the bad news is good. Number of women reporting sexual assault and violent crime up? That's because they have confidence in the system! The more crime comes to light, the better things are!

Mr Johnson ran through a list of the Tories' crimes against crime prevention. "We want people to take a long, hard look at their policies, and now we're going to take a long, hard look at this film, which is entitled A Long Hard Look."

It was ghastly. The US Republicans could hardly make something as stupid and unfair. It showed a sinister street at night. A nice, open-faced sort of fellow is nearly knocked over by a hoodie. Being on a bike, the hoodie might be David Cameron in disguise, though this is not spelled out.

The fellow is musing on Tory crime policies. They're against CCTV cameras. "What is the point of that unnecessary evil?" he asks, adding: "I like where David Cameron's going with his crime policy. He's strong." As for DNA: "Do we need a DNA database to see if someone's dandruff matches their cigarette butt?"

Food for thought there. But then the guy whips out a piece of chewing gum, sticks it to a wall, and produces – a jemmy! He smashes into someone's house. He's a violent burglar! And burglars support Tory policies! What's more, if the Tories scrap DNA early, they couldn't bang anyone up for chewing gum near the scene of a crime!

One of those deep, masculine voices used for advertising men's fragrances says: "David Cameron's policies would make our streets less safe."

But the Tories can reply. Why not have a knife-wielding drug dealer say, "Since Alan Johnson came to power, things have got much easier for me"? It would be just as fair.

Moments later, Mr Johnson told us that if and when prisoners get the vote, probably most will vote Conservative. To be fair, he grinned when he said it.