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Despite a warm invitation from her alma-mater Harvard College, award-winning journalist Soledad O’Brien has turned down the opportunity to be this year’s Class Day Speaker, citing concerns that she was unfit for the occasion, and suggesting that “Cee Lo Green should be Class Day speaker, not me."

Seven Harvard students, along with their local interpreter and guide, have been lost to marauders in an attempted crossing of the Science Center Plaza. The Plaza, a 500 mile long post-apocalyptic wasteland, created during the most recent nuclear conflict between Harvard University and Tufts, has become home to tribes of wandering nomads, each doing their best to stay alive in the irradiated hellhole. Faced with the harsh realities of the no-man’s-land, many of these groups are resorting to violence to meet their needs.

LAGOS, NIGERIA -- Oluwafemi Oleowo '14 heads back to campus today after a harrowing 6 day period of being stranded in his home country. Oleowo, [pronounced o-lay-o-woah] the prince of a small municipality in southern Nigeria, decided to take a last minute trip to his kingdom to catch up on the state of affairs, meet with government officials, and most of all get some well deserved R&R.

What began as a seemingly perfect date night ended in utter tragedy this past Tuesday night as Kirkland Sophomore Jeremiah Fisler came to the realization that Sarah Silverson, his 27 year-old Sex and the Citizen TF, would not put out – even after two glasses of Kirkland’s finest Chateau Domaine de I’Eglise.

Fisler ensured that his extending an invitation to Silverson was not simply a ploy to bring up his less than satisfactory C- in the class, claiming that he honestly loved Sarah and was honored to be able to spend any time with her, if only for one night.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Harvard junior Trisha Richman was disappointed to find that Alex McGovern, the quiet kid from her English section, is in fact a very strange and socially inept person.

“He just seemed really mysterious,” Richman said of the pale, gangly sophomore.

Richman, whose previous efforts to engage McGovern in small talk had been unsuccessful, finally managed to corner the mildly anti-social boy with a meticulously crafted question about the relative merits of David Foster Wallace’s The Pale King as a follow-up to Infinite Jest.