tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66932524985724779882014-10-04T23:00:59.730-07:00It's all David's faultI sit by the restless all the dark night - some are so young;
Some suffer so much - I recall the experience sweet and sad,...AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.comBlogger45125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-61407966801588104102011-06-22T10:47:00.000-07:002011-06-22T10:47:56.884-07:00In which this is the endI've been mulling it over these past few days, and I've decided that this is going to be my last post. It's nothing personal. I love my readers, like a ton. But this part of my life is something that I just want to forget about at the moment. Plus, what exactly would I write about next? the glorious life of a resturaunt host? My adventures in chemo? It all seems kind of odd compared to the last few months. Odd and wonderful. I hope you don't mind my selfishness and let me keep my journey into the real world for myself.<br /><br />I don't know, maybe I'll blog again. Maybe I'll get back to writing Jensen Falls. But not right now. Right now I've got a lot of other stuff on my mind. So thank you guy for reading, for giving advice, for believing in me.<br /><br />Thank you especially for believing in me.<br /><br />Lazarus sent me an email. I'm probably just going to ignore it, but it felt weird not to show to you guys. So here you go. And goodbye.<br /><br /><strong>Lazarus' email</strong><br /><br />Anya contacted me. She said that you were at the hospital, and I felt like I needed to wish you well. I know that we have had our differences, and I have done many things that you hate me for. But I do hope that you get well soon, and commend you on saving Anya. I do hope they are testing you extensively at the hospital. Disease is one of his weapons.<br /><br />I think that you have a terribly negative perception of me. And I do regret that. I'm just trying to do what you are: save children. Take Anya for example. She is alive, but how do you think the sort of trauma she's been through is going to affect her? Not that I am saying that it isn't worth it, but she's going to spend her entire life looking over her shoulder. How will she&nbsp;cope when every day she's worried about death lurking around the corner? One benfit about the Noctis' methods is that most of the time, the child is unaware about anything but the original stalking. We save them the fear of the situation. We give them a childhood. The people we choose for the exchange have lived their lives already.<br /><br />I know you hate me. I know this will probably not change your mind. But you should think about it. I am not the villain.<br /><br />If you need anything at all, please let me know. Aside from that, I can't say that we'll ever meet again.<br /><br />-LAZARUS.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-76465227222371852852011-06-20T04:28:00.000-07:002011-06-20T04:28:26.771-07:00In which I think of cherry blossomsI'm sorry if this gets convoluted. This whole thing is crazy and I'm injured and emotional and still on morphine, though not nearly as much. So I feel like I'm going to type this up and it will make no sense. Like when you write down a dream in the middle of the night and realize the next day that you wrote 'toast'.<br /><br />I slept over at Anya and Theresa's house like normal. And I told Theresa that I was going to take Anya to the museums and memorials and stuff. No reason to not let me. I've done it before. Anya seemed to know what was going on. She just put a notebook and some other stuff into a bookbag and followed me.<br /><br />She was silent the entire time. I tried to talk to her once, say that I was sorry, but all she did was glare at me. I couldn't really blame her. So I just sat there with all the blame and guilt and yet, I couldn't stop. It was pulling me towards the memorial, pulling me to take Anya.<br /><br />I didn't want to do it.<br /><br />I went anyway, I took Anya's hand and we walked for a good ten minutes before I realized that the last time I was here was during the cherry blossom festival. That's what did it, I think. Because then even as I was walking all I could think of was cherry blossoms. How Anya laughed for once and tried to dunk me in the pond. How I had gotten into a fight with my mom about whether or not they were better than magnolias. How I thought they were ridiculously beautiful even if they were pink.<br /><br />We got to the memorial eventually. Anya was still silent. I was still thinking about cherry blossoms. However, then he was there and I couldn't think of anything.<br /><br />Just silence.<br /><br />Walking panel by panel by panel, and all I knew was that awful silence. He had his arms out. Patient, unworried.<br /><br />I was ten panels away when I thought about cherry blossoms again. Then I thought about something else.<br /><br />My favorite color is blue.<br /><br />Five panels away and I ran the other direction, dragging Anya with me. He ended up in front of me, and I got caught in the shoulder by a tentacle I didn't see. It flung me several feet away before he turned his attention back to Anya.<br /><br />&nbsp;The shoulder hurt. Still hurts. I don't know how I ignored it and got over there so fast. But I did. I did and I just grabbed Anya.<br /><br />I didn't try to run this time I just stood there and held her, trying to keep her from him as long as possible. And he tried to get at her. The arms clawed and scratched and clung, but there was little they could do without hurting Anya. He stopped after a few minutes, and the arms came to a still position. And he began to assault my mind again.<br /><br />I almost let go. Anya was pushing against me, and my shoulder still hurt like crazy, and I WANTED to let go. but I kept thinking about cherry blossoms and hope and third options and how even if Anya was doomed it was not going to be because of me.<br /><br />And at that moment, that was what mattered. That I wasn't his. So I looked him in the eye, adjusted my grip on Anya, and flipped him off.<br /><br />For a moment, nothing changed. Anya kept trying to get to him, I kept fighting to keep control of myself. But all of a sudden, it just stopped. The extra arms returned to his back, and he smiled at me.<br /><br />That's when the voices started screaming.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />I woke up a couple hours later in the hospital. Apparently our favorite FBI agent was at the memorial. I think he was there to arrest me, but given he probably saved my life I can't be too angry at the moment. The first thing I noticed when I woke up was that it was quiet. Not silent, but there were no voices. None at all.<br /><br />The second thing I noticed was Anya sitting there next to my mother. She seemed pretty banged up, but overall unharmed. She smiled at me a bit, then nodded. And then I passed out again.<br /><br />I don't know when I'll be getting out of the hospital. Apparently I'm in bad shape, and they're doing a bunch of ridiculously random tests to make sure they're not missing anything. But I'm really not that bothered. I'm alive.<br /><br />Anya's alive.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-74294415121737125042011-06-18T14:58:00.000-07:002011-06-18T14:58:22.804-07:00In which I'm in the hospitalI'll post again when I have longer access to a computer. And am on less morphine.<br /><br /><br />I like morphine<br /><br />birds flying high, you know how I feel<br />Sun in the sky, you know how I feel<br />reeds drifting on by, you know how I feel<br />It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me<br />It's a new dawn it's a new day.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />And I'm feelin goodAJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-15665636512064426592011-06-17T07:51:00.000-07:002011-06-17T07:51:00.247-07:00In which I rally myself a littleSo, it seemed like the stupidest idea of all time, and suggested by people I've never met. But I followed the directions of the comment people of last post and dunked my head in ice water.<br /><br />It was really cold, by the way. Really fucking cold. <br /><br />It also worked. I feel a bit more me right now. I still feel relatively hollow, and the voices come back after a few minutes. But I'm not hiding inside myself any more. Although I really wish I was. I'm good at hiding. And this... it's pretty bad guys. <br /><br /><a href="http://www.virtualwall.org/ipanels/ipan10w.htm">I found out what the voices mean</a><br /><br />It's where I'm supposed to take Anya. And when they came back, they told me to do it tomorrow. I don't want to go. I don't want to lead Anya there. But as much as I feel more in control, I don't think I can fight him. Not enough to stop this, at any rate. <br /><br />However, if all of this is going down tomorrow, I'm at least glad that I'm doing it as me. I just want to say a couple things now.<br /><br />First of all, to all my twenty-two followers: I have no idea how you guys found me, or why you stayed. But it's kind of nice to have my thoughts validated. To know that someone is listening. Thank you guys so much for reading, and being there, and stuff. Doubly so for those who actually commented. Especially Amalgamation Sage. Seriously dude. You're... just great.<br /><br />To David, It's kind of a shame that I'm saying goodbye to you on the internet. I wish I could do this in person. You're one of the best friends I've ever had. And I know I'm not always the easiest person to be around, and I've probably unintentionally hurt you several times. I just want you to know that in spite of everything, I really like you. Please tell Bryan I love him?<br /><br />To Lazarus: Fuck you.<br /><br />I'll talk to you guys tomorrow if I'm still alive. If I don't post... well, it was nice to know you all.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-71494879268071175642011-06-15T09:39:00.000-07:002011-06-15T09:39:44.780-07:00In which I talk to LazarusLazarus: Glad you could make it.<br />AJ: Why did you ask me here?<br />Lazarus: Can't I just want to know how you are?<br />AJ: You tried to kill me.<br />Lazarus: I thought it was the best course of action. You were getting in the way of the exchange.<br />AJ: The exchange is ruined because of it, even if you had enough manpower to pull it off. You don't enter peace talks while hitting the gate with a battering ram.<br />Lazarus: A gate? Is that how you think of yourself?<br />AJ: That's what I am.<br />Lazarus: Tell me about yourself.<br />AJ: What?<br />Lazarus: Your favorite color, a precious memory. Anything about you that doesn't have to do with Anya or him.<br />AJ: Why?<br />Lazarus: Because the last time I saw AJ, she was still fighting this. And she wasn't doing a half bad job of it. But you're not her. You're just a shell going through her old habits. What happened to her?<br />AJ: She watched four people she knew die.<br />(Lazarus says nothing for about a minute)<br />Lazarus: They say they didn't find Gabriel's body. What happened?<br />AJ: He took him.<br />(He nods and sits down on a nearby chair.)<br />Lazarus: I sort of always knew he would. But...well, I've had all these years with Gabriel. I guess I can't regret that.<br />AJ: Do you regret anything?<br />(He laughs bitterly)<br />Lazarus: You truly think I'm heartless, don't you? I suppose you would. Gabriel's exchange didn't go completely smooth. His parents died. And I took him in. He's my son. <br />AJ: Was your son.<br />Lazarus: Is my son. And he always will be.<br />(More silence)<br />Lazarus: You have to keep fighting AJ. <br />AJ: What's the point?<br />Lazarus: Nothing's completely invincible. Nothing lasts forever. The more we fight him, the closer we are to winning. <br />AJ: Anya's doomed either way.<br />Lazarus: She is. I'm afraid it's too late for her. But it isn't for you. You can't... you can't let loss numb you like this. The more you do, the more he takes control.<br />AJ: Why do you care? You ordered my death less than a week ago.<br />Lazarus: If you were yourself, you'd understand. You'd ask me to kill you.<br />AJ: I don't think I would.<br />Lazarus: No, you wouldn't. That's something about you.&nbsp;Remember it. And please AJ. Fight this.<br />AJ: There's no point.<br />Lazarus: There's always a point. Always.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-47663502912959267642011-06-13T14:48:00.000-07:002011-06-13T14:48:35.841-07:00In which I get out of the basementThe police got me out of the basement only a few hours later. Apparently Lazarus called them when he didn't hear from Gabriel. I don't know if he admitted to planning it, but he gave them the address at least. They tried to get me to tell them what happened, but I didn't say anything. Eventually they just sent me home.<br /><br />Except today an FBI agent came to my house. At first I didn't say anything to him either. But then he started talking about child abductions and fires and men in business suits. And then he told a completely different story about a hostage situation gone bad. Apparently, that was to be the story the press would be getting. <br /><br />Naturally pictures of the bodies wouldn't be shown.<br /><br />I started talking to him a bit after a while. Mostly details about the cover up. A little bit about other stuff. I told him that I was surprised he wasn't arresting me for the murders. I might have been a bit bitter about it. Then he said something that stuck with me for some reason.<br /><br />"If you have to blame someone, blame him. I'm just damage control."<br /><br />He left shortly after that.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-54418035124199261882011-06-10T11:11:00.000-07:002011-06-10T11:11:15.559-07:00In Which<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">I’ve been staring at this screen for half an hour. I don't know what to write. But I have to. I just can't stop anymore. So I'll write, even if I'm worried about the words coming out wrong or, even worse, them coming out right. It's just something I must do.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">I haven't posted for about a week and a half. I have been gone for around a week of that. I doubt you noticed. I've taken longer before. But this time it wasn't my choice. It was easy enough for them to take me. Just asked me to help with some Noctis stuff and then, next moment, I'm in the basement.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">I spent the first few days tied to a chair. Charles came in every once in a while to feed me and to tell me that they didn't mean me any harm. While I was tied to a chair. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">It wasn't exactly bad until four or five days in. Charles was talking to me again. He'd stay and do that sometimes. He was a good man, under it all. He was kind. During our talk, Gabriel came in, followed by Thor and Llorona.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Charles: What's going on?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Gabriel: There's been a change in the plan.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Charles: What change? (Gabriel pulls out a revolver.) No. Why can't we just wait until after the exchange like we were going to? </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Gabriel: Lazarus thinks it's too risky. She's already tried to stop the exchange twice. (I did, actually. I didn't mention it because Llorona's been reading my blog.) Every day she grows more and more attached to the thing. If we don't kill her, she could ruin everything.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Charles: No. I didn't sign up for this. We're supposed to be the good guys Gabriel!</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Gabriel: We are. This has to be done.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Charles: No it doesn't. There has to be a better way.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Gabriel: Lazarus doesn't think so. I don't think so. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Llorona: Neither do I.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Gabriel: That's three, Orpheus. Step aside. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Charles: .... no. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">There was a pause, then Gabriel shoved Charles aside and placed the gun against my head.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">There was a click. Then another click. From the corner of my eye, I saw Thor pocket something shiny and nod in my direction. I didn't have the time to notice anything else.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Gabriel drew back the gun and started yelling at Thor about bullets. But I wasn't paying attention. The voices had stopped. Silence.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">But then, it wasn't just my head. All the natural sounds of a basement from leaking pipes to the hum of electricity seemed to fade away. The only noise in the whole room was Gabriel yelling at Thor. When the Noctis noticed the silence, even that stopped.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">And then, he was there. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">He seemed just as calm as I've always seen him. Just as certain that everything would go his way. But then something changed. Thick black tendrils began to grow out of his back. They stretched out for a moment before one quickly darted out and caught Thor by the ankle.</div><br /><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Thor tripped, and was dragged towards him. Llorona tried to catch him, but only got there in time to be hit by another of the tendrils. Except it had shifted and instead resembled a tree branch. The branch neatly impaled her in the chest, before tossing her against the wall. Thor was now closer to him, entangled in several more tentacles. The sound of crushing bones filled the silence as the arms constricted around Thor's body. He let out a shriek before one of the tentacles circled around his throat. And then they all began to pull. More sounds, and Thor's body began to tear. I tried to look away, but I couldn't. I just stared as Thor was slowly torn apart. He didn't even do it fast. He wasn't in a hurry. He took his time.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">My eyes were only torn from Thor when he sent another tree branch arm towards Llorona. This time he threw her towards the staircase that led out of the basement. Charles had been running, trying to escape. But Llorona landed on top of him, pinning them both. Thor was in pieces by this time. And Gabriel hadn't moved. He was standing completely still, muttering to himself and staring directly at him. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Charles almost got away. But he paused for a moment, trying to decide whether to run or try to help Llorona. A third branch arm caught them both. For the first time, he moved. It was something between a walk and a glide. Once again, unhurried. He stopped when he was next to the two of them. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">The last part was too quick for me to process. All I know is that Charles' head landed just a few feet away from me.</div><br /><br /><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Then he turned to look at Gabriel, and the various arms which had killed the rest of the Noctis suddenly went still. He extended one of his normal hands out, and something began to...pull. If I hadn't been tied to a chair, I would have walked up those stairways and into his arms. I couldn't have helped myself.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Gabriel tried. He shouted and he cried and he cursed, but he walked up the stairs anyway. He put his arms around Gabriel in a sort of embrace. I could tell that Gabriel was shaking. And then they were gone. </div><div align="left" style="line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 0.14in; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">It was just me and the bodies.</div>AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-82322149383942034652011-05-30T16:02:00.000-07:002011-05-30T16:02:18.013-07:00In which Charles looks backSo, I appear to be the only one who had to work today. Not like it really mattered that I did. I sat a grand total of ten tables. In four hours. It was the deadest day I've ever worked. But it's ok, because Charles came to hang out towards the end of it, and we went to Anya's house. Us and Theresa and Anya all had a mini picnic on the lawn and talked about the weather. It was nice, actually. I think Anya liked it particularly. I don't talk about her much anymore, because I'm really not sure what to say. Have you ever met anyone who knows that they're going to die? Someone who is over the shock and anger of it all and is just waiting for the end? That's Anya now. She seems a bit more like the old Anya I knew now. She laughs and she runs around and she talks everyone's ear off. But there's a frantic sadness to all of it. Like she's acutely aware that this moment could be her last.<br /><br />I feel awful about that. I really did want to try and help her. Now it seems likely that I'm going to be the one who does her in. Everything is so fricken hopeless and that small time on the lawn was just so beautiful I almost cried.<br /><br />Charles did. Not in front of Anya and Theresa though. We were heading to the metro afterwards and he ducked into a burger king's bathroom for a few minutes. But he didn't really do a good job of hiding what he had been doing in there. Your face gets weird when you cry, and apparently no one ever taught Charles how to get rid of the evidence. So I called him on it, and he just monologued at me for like half an hour.<br /><br />I think I've mentioned that this is the first time he's led a Noctis thing. Apparently most of the time before this&nbsp;he was just writing down names like I had been. It hadn't really hit him, and he believed Lazarus when he kept on going on about how this was the only way. Being near it, he's having second thoughts.<br /><br />And being near me, apparently. He wasn't very clear at that point. But apparently Charles had a girlfriend once.&nbsp;She was linked, which is why I remind him of her.&nbsp;She threw herself off a bridge once he took the children.<br /><br />I never really called him by his silly codename thing. If I knew the others' names I wouldn't call&nbsp; them by their codenames either. But I think I sort of understand why he chose Orpheus as his.<br /><br />I tried to talk him out of doing the exchange, but I think that the noctis still hold a lot of sway over him. Ultimately, it's just another person in a bad position. Another person I can't save.<br /><br />Another person I caused pain. Without even meaning to.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-72941683854590028362011-05-28T10:10:00.000-07:002011-05-28T10:10:12.449-07:00In which I admit to somethingI talked to the Noctis today.<br /><br />Well, I talked to Charles. Who told me that he wasn't allowed to talk to me. Then I talked to Gabriel. So... I talked to two fifths of the Noctis today? Charles was being a failed Ninja around Anya again. I think they're still trying to go forward with The Exchange, which is just another thing that I have to worry about. Honestly, if I had anyone else to talk to I would. The Noctis, Gabriel especially, are not my favorite people in the world. But they're also the only people who could know about what I'm going through.<br /><br />So, I flagged Charles down and after a weird but somehow comfortable conversation about how Lazarus and Gabriel think I want to stop the exchange (I admit, I kinda do) and I'm a danger or something now (uh... ok?) he dragged me to a rendezvous point and we waited until Gabriel showed up. There was some small talk and insults thrown, but the meat of the conversation started about here:<br /><br />Me: Why don't you trust me?<br />Gabriel: Oh, I don't know. Maybe because you accused us of murder then stormed out the door.<br />Me: It is murder. And you hated me before that.<br />Gabriel: The timing doesn't match up. He came for Anya too soon.<br />Me: Ok, but why does that make me the bad guy?<br />Gabriel: There are some people who are just... linked to him. He can control them. Uses them to protect his targets from outside influence or make sure they're all in the same place when he takes them. He always seems to respond faster when someone linked is involved.<br />(I don't know how long I stayed silent here. I think Gabriel and Charles thought that I had gone catatonic or somethin.)<br />Me: You were right about me Gabriel. I mean, I didn't know. I just figured it out. But...<br />Gabriel: How long has it been happening?<br />Me: It's not like it came on all of a sudden. Maybe since I first saw him. I don't know. The point is, I hate what you guys do, but I don't trust myself around Anya anymore. I just want her to be safe.<br />Gabriel: How much of that is you?<br />Me: I don't know. <br />(Gabriel just nods)<br />Gabriel: I'll tell Lazarus. He'll think of something.<br />Me: Thanks, by the way.<br />Gabriel: For what?<br />Me: Not rubbing being right in my face.<br />Gabriel: I could if you want.<br />Me: No, I'm good.<br /><br />And that's pretty much it. Against my better judgement, I'm back in with the Noctis. This might be the best time to ask questions if anybody has suggestionss.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-82846168699348655102011-05-24T12:27:00.000-07:002011-05-24T12:27:12.076-07:00In which I am not a liarOk, so that's a lie. I am a liar. I lie to people a lot. Mostly about stupid stuff, like whether or not I've eaten today. But I do have a bit of a reputation of lying. Aspies can't be dishonest my ass.<br /><br />But I haven't lied here. At least not one that's lasted more than three seconds. Lying here just seems wrong. Bending the perspective of things and omitting some information is a bit different. And I have done that a bit. Well, a lot. <br /><br />When I was in middle school, I read the diary of Anne Frank. Ever since then, I've always wondered if someone years down the line would find my writing and publish it. And since then, I've cared about the kind of person I come off as to the world when I write. Even in those journals that no one is supposed to read. Especially in blogs, where I want people to like me. And when all this stuff happened with Anya, there was so much going on that I could avoid this tiny little problem and most likely nobody noticed.<br /><br />But it's a whole lot more than a tiny problem now. Today proved that.<br /><br />I was at work earlier today. Which means that it started out boring, and it stayed boring for quite a while. I was pretty certain it was going to end that way when the voices in my head cut out and there was nothing but silence.<br /><br />You have to understand what it's like having that noise in your head all day. It gnaws at you, wears you down, makes you willing to do anything for just a moment for it all to stop. And he provides that. I looked out the window, and I saw him. Just waiting, like always. I stared at him and I couldn't look away. <br /><br />I mentioned once that when I saw him first he reminded me of how I felt about Darth Vader. And he does. But fear is not the only thing that I fear when I look at either of them. Sure, the fear is the main feeling. But there's an awe there. A recognition that the figure before me holds a power that I don't know of, and could never have. Even as I find myself terrified, he commands respect. And I give it to him.<br /><br />I only stopped looking at him because my coworker Juan had grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the street I had been walking into. It was empty and the crosswalk was on my side, but it was still unnerving to realize what I had been doing.<br /><br />I remember it all. I know that I walked there on my own, and I have no missing time whatsoever. But&nbsp;this has made me realize something that I have been wondering for a while but never had any proof of.&nbsp; I am not in control of myself, he is. It's possible he has been for a while.<br /><br />The voices are back now. I can understand some of what they're saying. Steve L. Martin. Larry E. Stone. John J. Clark. I don't know what they mean, or why I'm hearing them. But they unnerve me, both for the fact that I'm hearing them and that they're driving me towards the being that I hate the most.<br /><br />So no more lies or half truths or omissions. It's too late for that.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-42589145026953083072011-05-23T20:37:00.000-07:002011-05-23T20:37:33.565-07:00In which I am a moronIt is sort of amazing what someone will do when they're desperate. I'm desperate right now. The only chance I had of saving Anya just ended up being more of the same bullshit and horror that every other option I've taken ended up being. I am wondering if perhaps I should stop trying. Whatever he does to do her can't possibly be bad enough for me to be fighting him this hard. And yet, I can't stop. I need to protect Anya. I'm the only one who really will. So I listened to Maurice. I really need to stop clutching on to every option that's presented to me. But I'm gullible like that I guess. Some stupid part of my brain refuses to give up hope.<br /><br />Maurice suggested that I do something unexpected in order to draw his attention away from Anya. Of course, thinking of something unexpected was the hard part. I can barely figure out what is expected of me, let alone the opposite. Most of the time I just wander around doing my own thing and try not to care if it's a little off what people are supposed to do.<br /><br />So I donned my beat up second hand black trenchcoat and skipped off to the nature trail next to my house. The one with lots of trees.<br /><br />Stupid? Suicidal? Yeah, I know. But breaking this rule was the one thing I managed to think of. Maybe it was not original enough, maybe something else was going on, but he never showed. I walked deep into the woods, I spun around and yelled and made some pretty awesome limericks that I hopefully remember. It didn't matter. I am just not that interesting. Of course, what would I have done if he had actually shown up? Fight him? Make a deal?<br /><br />No. I hate to admit it, but I'm sort of chicken shit in general. And he terrifies me. I read a lot of blogs and watch a lot of vlogs and stuff. How do they do it? And now I know, it's not because they had to. I have to, and look what I'm doing. Running around spouting poetry in the woods, trying to convince myself that something will work.<br /><br />When I walked home, there was an accident on my street. Three cars. One of them was wrapped around a tree.<br /><br />Silence.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-54717730622907695342011-05-19T22:36:00.000-07:002011-05-19T22:36:38.577-07:00In which I learn how to pay the piperIt was raining pretty badly today. I wore a light gray jacket to work this morning, so I was soaked by the time that I got home. But it was silent the whole way. I've begun to love that silence, need it, even though I know perfectly well what that silence is.<br /><br />Everything is messed up now. The world turned upside down when I wasn't looking or something. And somehow, all the hope I had just vanished.<br /><br />I'm not making sense. I know I'm not making sense, but I am having serious troubles trying to adjust things in my head. It's all I can do to not sit in a corner and rock back and forth.<br /><br />Yesterday I met with the Noctis. We were making plans, although they were still dodging around what I was helping them with. They started looking over the names we had written down, started mapping out bus routes and car pathways, and set something they called 'The exchange' for June 15th. When I heard it, I thought that is sounded far away. But it's close. Far too close.<br /><br />I began to feel a little sick to my stomach, so I excused myself to the restroom. When I came back out, everyone but Lazaurs seemed to have cleared out. Yeah, it was that bad.<br /><br />(so, this is our conversation. Weirdly enough, I can remember some of what I said word for word. Not all of it, and only me, but maybe I'm getting better at this memorizing for script purposes thing.)<br /><br />Lazarus: Are you all right?<br />Me: Yeah, just have some stomach issues.<br />Lazarus: What is your family history like?<br />Me: Uh... that's kind of random.<br />Lazarus: Not neccesarily.<br />Me: Kind of sucky. Cancer, Diabetes, Schizophrenia, and that's what I can remember at the moment. Why?<br />Lazarus: Do you know how I lost my leg? (I shook my head) (Have I mentioned that he has a prosthetic leg? I probably should have. He had lousy doctors do it, too. It's why he walks funny.) It was a few years before I met Gabriel. We had an exchange go bad, which happens sometimes. The thing got a hold of my leg.<br />Me: And tore it off?<br />Lazarus: No. Nothing that dramatic. You've read some of the blog, you know he can cause sickness right?<br />(I nod, although at this point I'm wishing he'd just get to the point. In the real conversation, I think we were like eight tangents from wherever we started.) It can be more than just a cough. My leg developed gangrene, and spread too fast for the doctors to save it. They say it was an unexpected complication from my diabetes. I've met others with similar fates. I've seen people die of an illness before my eyes.<br />Me: So what, you think my illness is because of him?<br />Lazarus: I just want you to know the risks.<br />Me: Lazarus, what happens at an exchange?<br />(he pauses for a bit)<br />Lazarus: I guess you deserve to know.We haven't yet managed to find a way to stop this monster completely. But he can be reasoned with.<br />Me:&nbsp; ..... what?<br />Lazarus: If given enough incentive, he will leave his chosen target alone.<br />(Things were really starting to not sit right about here.)<br />Me: And what exactly is this incentive?<br />Lazarus: It fluctuates, but I'd average about twenty people.<br />(I almost threw up here.)<br />Me: What?<br />Lazarus: We choose about twenty people from nursing homes, prisons, hospitals. And we take them to a defined point, where we make an exchange with him. At which point he leaves the chosen child alone.<br />Me: So you're murdering twenty people for one kid?<br />Lazarus: These people have already lived their life, AJ. A child still has a future.<br />Me: It gives you no excuse to play God like this. And he'll come back. He'll always come back.<br />Lazarus: Gabriel has been with me for fifteen years.<br />Me: It doesn't mean he's forgotten. He never forgets his children.<br />Lazarus: It's our only choice, AJ. He is unstoppable, you know this already. This way, we can at least give them some sort of life. You want to protect Anya, don't you?<br />Me: Not like this.<br /><br />I left then. Shortly afterwards I did throw up, though I don't know if it was my stomach or the conversation's fault. But all I know now, and all I can really think of is one simple fact:<br /><br />Anya's doomed.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-64741869379528202972011-05-15T22:34:00.000-07:002011-05-15T22:34:24.230-07:00In which a mother weepsI'm not quite sure when I went to do that Noctis thing. Three days ago? Four? Time has kind of been running together. Between my work and the Noctis and Anya and Mom telling me to do stuff, I just don't have enough brain cells to figure out timelines. Plus, that's kind of tedious.<br /><br />So, I'm not sure when it happened. But it happened. And it was a total let down. The address was a nursing home, and I spent several hours writing down the names of old people. The minute I think I'm going to learn something, and they go make me do something stupid like that. They've been sending me all over doing silly stuff like that, and I really hate them for it. I mean, Anya's in danger here. I don't care if you don't trust me, let me help somehow. Or at the very least don't send me on wild goose chases pretending that it's important.<br /><br />Anya gets out of school for the summer in a week. I'm not sure whether that makes her more or less safe. All I know is that things are slowly building. And it's sort of freaking me out, to be honest. That's probably why I'm so frustrated at this pointless running around. It's like the Noctis aren't even trying to save her.<br /><br />The only one who seems remotely honest with me is Llorona, and even she seems obsessed with these stupid errands. It turns out that she really was fine. She made sure that Anya was ok during the fire, then high tailed it out of there. I thought it was kind of silly until she told me why she joined the Noctis. She also gave me permission to tell it to you guys. She talked, I typed, I copy and pasted it here. On her request, I took out proper nouns. But aside from that, this is how she told it. Ok, I edited it a bit. Not the story, just some of the wording and sentence structure and stuff. I meant no disrespect at all. Actually, I feel a bit weird about posting this, but Llorona wanted me to. She said that if people really were reading this, they should know.<br /><br />Llorona's Tale:<br />You don't really get a life working for the Noctis. Anyone you talk to could possibly be the next person you're trying to protect. So you stay aloof, you don't make friends, you only talk when neccesary. I've heard the others complain about it, but I've never minded. <br /><br />I had a life once. I had a husband and two children. Two beautiful, wonderful children. My husband and I both worked at the elementary school our children went to. I loved teaching, and children. I thought that my life was perfect and perhaps it was. But over time, something strange began to happen to my husband. It was subtle at first, and I only really notice now that I look back. But he was changing, little by little. His emotions dulled, his opinions began to shift, and at night when he thought I was asleep he would sneak into our children's room and whisper about how he would protect them until the shadow was ready for them. I stood in the hallway listening to him, but I did nothing. I still thought that he was the man that I loved. This inaction killed my children.<br /><br />It was a spring morning. I seem to remember it being a beautiful day. It started without warning. I smelt smoke about the same time the alarms went off, and the fire was in the classroom shortly after that. I can't say that fire drills aren't helpful, because they saved my life. But they don't prepare you. Nothing can prepare you for the smoke and the heat and the sound of screaming children. <br /><br />I tried to keep my class calm as I led them out the route we had practiced. On the way, shortly before the exit there was a hallway that seemed to be without fire of any sort. We had almost gotten through it when my husband blocked our way.&nbsp;The monster was behind him and I couldn't tear myself away from those eyes. I could hear my husband mumbling over and over. 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't want to.' The man behind him... stretched. And several children of my class began to walk towards him. I tried to stop them, but they kept on walking and I could only hold a few back at a time. Eventually, all that walked towards him disappeared with the monster.<br /><br />My husband was still mumbling that he was sorry over and over. That and the monster was all I could think of. It took me to realize that he was carrying a fire axe. Three children were gone before I could take it from him. It didn't stop him, and he had strangled another before I forced him to stop. <br /><br />I didn't kill my husband. He was already dead. But I killed my children by not noticing.<br /><br />Twenty children died from the fire, they say. How many was the smoke and how many was my husband I do not know. Twelve children were never found, mine among them. Usually I can handle schools. Before everything, I had found them comforting.But that's what he does. He takes what is safe and turns it against you. Your home, your family, even your mind. He burns it away until it's ash. A school on fire is different than just a school. A school on fire is His.<br /><br />I'm sorry for leaving Anya. But I can't go through that again. I have lost enough.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-90049085783736733482011-05-10T21:35:00.000-07:002011-05-10T21:47:47.952-07:00In which there are firesI feel like I should start this off by saying that no one's hurt or dead or anything. There was fire, but everyone's ok. So you don't have to wait around wondering if anybody died or something. Because they didn't. Some creepy stuff did happen though.<br /><br />I probably should have realized something was going on when the voices stopped. But I was so busy being completely overjoyed that my head was quiet for once that I didn't really think about it. The voices in my head are driving me crazy (huh. Never imagined I'd ever need to use that line). It's like Tenitis, always there and bugging the hell out of me. So when it stopped, the silence was all I really focused on. However, a few minutes after they stopped, a person came into my work, asked me for a glass of water, then stepped back outside.<br /><br />I went outside with the water to find a burning tree. It wasn't completely engulfed or anything, but I could see some flames at the base of the tree and some smoke billowing off it. I just stood there staring at it until somebody took the water from me and put the tree out. I'm a huge help in a crisis.<br /><br />Before I went back into work, I looked around. He was hard to find at first. I'm not sure how something so striking can fade into the background as easily as he can, but I never truly see him all the way at first. He sneaks up on me despite standing still, as if I can only see him when he wishes me to. He looked at me for a quick moment and then he was gone. Someone had put the fire out, and the voices started to come back.<br /><br />Can't say I was the best worker for the rest of the day. I'll admit, I was kinda freaked out. I know it was a small thing and everything, but that didn't seem to matter. And things just got worse from there. When I got off work, I discovered that Charles had left a voice mail. <br /><br />Apparently there had been a fire at Anya's school. If I have it all worked out in my head right, it wasn't very long after my own fire. It only took out a couple classrooms, but it was a fire nonetheless. I talked to Anya about it afterwards. She said that it was after school had cleared out so there weren't many people around but she was only about twenty feet or so from the building when it started. He was there, though I hadn't really expected anything else. A handful of kids were injured too, but no serious wounds or fatalities so I doubt it will make big news.<br /><br />And apparently Llorona (I've been spelling it wrong this whole time) disappeared. She was supposed to be walking Anya home from school today since I was at work. Usually she's a dependable person, though I'm a tad jealous of her because Anya seems to like her more than me. So I thought that something bad had happened to her. Charles didn't seem to think it was a big deal though, and said that Llorona just gets emotional about fires, especially at schools. If she ends up being ok I'll have to ask her about that. But it did mean that Anya was alone at my house for several hours, and I really hate doing that to her.<br /><br />Also, Charles called me a bit later and told me that he had been talking to Lazarus about the fire. Due to him actually doing things now, Lazarus thinks that they need to do... whatever they're doing faster. And since Llorona is nowhere to be found, they said I could tag along. I have an address, we're doing something tomorrow. Maybe they'll bother to let me know what the hell is going on.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-64770371310615273102011-05-06T21:41:00.000-07:002011-05-06T21:58:05.098-07:00In which I get very close to actual raegI am spending a lot of time with the Noctis recently. I think that's partially because I still have no friends and I'm dying to have someone who will talk to me, and partially because I'm really worried about Anya. Every day I wake up and wonder if he's going to stop just waiting. The Noctis say that there's a way to save her, and I'm desperate enough to believe them. For one thing, they seem like they know what they're doing.<br /><br />And there's Gabriel of course.<br /><br />I hate Gabriel. Gabriel hates me first. Actually, I think he might have started the hating but either way it amounts to the same thing: He's a jerk. Yet for some reason, him and Charles are who I deal with the most. That's because Charles is supposed to be leading this 'case' or something. But it's his first time, so Gabriel is hanging around and being annoying. I threw ice water in his face once. I felt bad about it afterwards, but when I get mad I either do stupid things or nothing at all. Around Gabriel, it's usually the stupid things option.<br /><br />He accused me of being a spy. That's why I drenched him. Apparently usually when they deal with kids like Anya, the children have no idea what's going on. They're infected by a different person who's heard of him, an online blogger or such.&nbsp;But there's a delay. So usually by the time the noctis come around the leak has been gone for six months or so. I am still here, and it happened almost immediately, so Gabriel seems to think that I am really working for him and trying to take apart the noctis instead of save Anya.<br /><br />I did feel bad about the water, but he sort of deserved it. I want to help her more than he does. I think Gabriel only does this because he feels he owes it something.<br /><br />That's the one thing about Gabriel. Apparently he was almost taken. The Noctis saved him, and Lazarus adopted him. Which means that whatever they're doing, it works. And so I am putting a lot of faith in these guys, despite the fact that they're all crazy and Gabriel's a douchebag. <br /><br />For the first time in a while, I've got hope. And that's worth holding on to.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-18378631928168570092011-05-04T08:54:00.000-07:002011-05-04T08:54:53.551-07:00In which I devolve into a fangirlZEKE STRAHM IS IN MARYLAND! Ok, so I'm not quite sure where in Maryland, but most of that state is WAY close to my house. Mostly because of Metro. Metro is awesome. So Zeke Strahm is with easily travelable (is that a word?) distance from me and it is TOTALLY SURREAL.<br /><br />Oh, and I hope Celie is ok. And he doesn't get into more bad things. I'm trying to be concerned but HE'S GONNA BE SO CLOSE! Hey, if any of my readers know anybody who knows Zeke by some weird twist of fate, can you ask him if he wants to meet for lunch or something? Just for an hour or two? Ok, I sound like a crazy stalker now. But seriously, ZEKE FUCKING STRAHM.<br /><br />Well, it seemed that this revelation has saved this blog, because while stuff has been happening I haven't really been writing about it. It's that flaky thing coming up again I guess. So I don't think normal narrative is going to work very well to fill you guys in. You guys are gonna have to deal with straight up exposition. Sorry.<br /><br />Ok, first things first, I've been spending a fair amount of time with the Noctis. I don't like all of them, but at the moment they're Anya's best shot. Apparently Noctis Custodes has been around for a LONG time. Like Egypt time. And the point of them is to rescue children from, well you know. How exactly that works I don't know. They won't tell me. Their eyes narrow whenever I ask. The Noctis are everywhere. Well, a lot of places anyway. Although there are usually only two or three in each branch. I think a prerequisite of getting in is being completely nuts, because even the ones I like are off their rocker. <br /><br />He's waiting for something. I don't know what, but it's why he hasn't done anything yet. I used to complain about how sometimes he didn't do anything. It made him seem like less of a threat. But actually, he's just patient. In no rush. Whatever he's after is going to happen, and that unearthly certainty has been hanging over me for a week or so.<br /><br />Also, the voices stop around him. There's only silence.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-59137900705336980042011-04-24T20:07:00.000-07:002011-04-24T20:07:56.982-07:00In which Murphy is proven correctI consider my handful of readers the clever type, so you guys have probably figured out that some bad stuff has happened recently just by looking at the title. It's mostly why this post took so long. I'm going to make a short list of some of the stuff I've been going through.<br /><br />-My computer charger broke<br />-The guys who shipped it made a mistake, so it took longer<br />-My new manager at my job hates me<br />-I still don't have any friends in D.C. sans a ten year old.<br />-Said ten year old is now at my house four days a week due to Theresa having issues again.<br />-I'm walking her home when I'm not at work. <br />-He's come to Anya's house.<br />-And mine<br />-The Noctis are a bunch of assholes, apparently.<br />-I'm sick. I think it's a flu or something<br />-My nightmares are getting worse<br />-David apparently wants to join the Noctis. DONT YOU IDIOT WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO GET INVOLVED ITS HORRIBLE AND SUICIDE AND YOURE MY FRIEND DAMMIT<br /><br />I think I'm going to write about what's going on with Anya, and the noctis, and all that. But I feel like if I put it all in one post it would be too much to process. So my next few posts are going to be catch up stuff. But I'm alive, just in case you guys were worrying about me. Or something.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-23758314022851657852011-04-11T11:51:00.000-07:002011-04-11T11:51:56.856-07:00In which I make a decisionAnya came back. She knocked on my door at about two in the morning on yesterday, shivering and crying her eyes out. She woke up my mom, and the two of us called the police and Theresa and all that. Then we folded out the couch and I sat with her for about half an hour until she went to sleep. She talked until she was too tired to say anything. I mostly listened. I still wanted to tell her so many things, but it didn't really work out that way. I did manage to tell her that I was sorry though.<br /><br />She talked about a lot of things for that half hour or so. She talked about fairy tales and kids at school and what had happened to her when she had run away and how she didn't know who to trust or if anyone could help her. It was a frenzied, melancholy little monologue and honestly a little depressing. So I just held her and listened.<br /><br />I feel slightly horrible, but for a while I had hoped that he had taken her. After all, no one really knows what happens to the children once they disappear. I always thought it was something bad, but maybe he just takes them somewhere else. Maybe it's better than here. It's probably better than him just waiting, slowly&nbsp;chipping away at&nbsp;the emotions of a child.&nbsp;What is he waiting for?&nbsp;I wish it was over already, it's the not knowing&nbsp;that's truly painful.<br /><br />All I really know is that after seeing Anya this scared broken mess in front of me, I wanted her suffering to end. I wanted her to stop being scared. And I'd do anything to make sure it did.<br /><br />I'm going to find one of the Noctis. I'm going to find out what they know, and what they can do for her and I won't take no for an answer. It's the least I can do for Anya.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-26905280723864846762011-04-09T21:37:00.000-07:002011-04-09T21:37:08.286-07:00In which I am a royal fuck upI'm in a weird mood right now. I feel like all my emotions have been shuffled to the right, and I'm not exactly responding the way I should be. Perhaps this is because I'm tired or because I'm stressed or because I am working for the first time in my life. It might be because I have been hearing whispers for days on end now like a fuzzy radio station that I can't turn off. I can't even make out what it's saying except for the number 10 and the letter W. Apparently these disembodied mumblings host Sesame Street.<br /><br />See? I'm hearing voices and I'm making cracks about it. And I haven't even gotten to the worst part. Let's hope I don't collapse into a laughing fit.<br /><br />I roll silverware at work. It's something to do other than stare at the menu and wonder who the heck came up with the word Zinfadel. It's also really really easy. Even someone with coordination as poor as me can pick it up without much trouble. I fold to the side of the restuarunt instead of in the kitchen like the servers so that I can keep an eye on the door. And that's where I was, rolling silverware into flimsy napkins, when somebody touched me on the shoulder.<br /><br />I have to admit, Charles is getting much better at sneaking up on people.<br /><br />Our conversation:<br /><br />Me: Don't you have another resturaunt you could go to?<br />Charles: I'm not here to&nbsp;eat. Have you seen Anya?<br />Me: Not since yesterday. Why?<br />Charles: She's missing. <br />Me: What?<br />Charles: Her mother called the cops a couple hours ago. Did anything happen last night?<br />Me: No, things were fine.<br /><br />Ok, so that was a total lie. Last night was kind of rocky, actually. But it wasn't from anything I thought that the Cool Coat Club would be interested in. Anya and I got into a fight. And I'll tell you right now, fighting with a ten year old is the most exasperating thing ever. The whole thing wavered between yelling, a crying fit, an almost clever guilt trip, and a long period where she didn't say a thing and just stared at me.<br /><br />Her problem was that she held me responsible for being 'hunted' (that was her term). She didn't want me to sit her anymore. I didn't have anything to say to that.<br /><br />Well, I had plenty of things to say to that. I just didn't say them. When I get particularly emotional, I can't form my thoughts into word. Mostly I just sat there staring at her as she raged at me. About half an hour after she stalked into her room, I started talking to the spot where she was about how I knew I was responsible but I deeply cared about her and was going to do everything I could to keep her safe even though I had no idea how to do that.<br /><br />This isn't because of my weird mood, by the way. I've always done this. It&nbsp;got me in trouble way too many times in my childhood.<br /><br />So, when I left this morning she was still angry at me and didn't say a word. And I still couldn't manage to say anything. And now she's missing. <br /><br />I should mention that I do care. The responsibility and the fear and all of that is still running around my head. I'm just taking it remarkably calmly. I almost made a joke about it, but figured that it was in poor taste. I'm doing everything I can to find her. So are the noctis. And really, that's all we can do.<br /><br />And on a side note, my work is a brain killer. It's my frontrunner guess for why I'm so odd.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-42244871577244176042011-04-06T20:29:00.000-07:002011-04-06T20:29:48.193-07:00In which some stalkers are considerably less cryptic (but still not clear)I have had a really surreal day.<br /><br />To start things off, I have a job finally! I meant to tell you guys that earlier, but this whole thing with Anya has been on my mind. Plus, it hasn't been all that long since I've got it. Today was my first day. I sort of got the hang of it by the end of my shift, which tells me that it's probably going to be a boring job. But it's work, so I am totally cool with that.<br /><br />The weirdness actually started at my work. I was just leaning against the host pedestal thing, occupying myself by trying to find all the items on the menu that start with 'Z', when a group came in. So, that isn't really anything out of the ordinary. People come into resturaunts all the time, that's sort of what they're there for. But one of the people who was in the group happened to be Charles.<br /><br />Yep. That Charles. He seemed to be just as surprised as me, and sort of tried to slink away. The rest of the group seemed a little shocked, too.That's when I realized that I recognized two of the others that were with him. They were there when Anya and I went to the Smithsonian. The other two people with them, a woman and an old man, were unfamiliar to me. But it was still weird, and got my paranoia senses up. My shift ended before they had finished eating, and I waited outside for them. Apparently they had been expecting that, because they didn't seem all that bothered about talking to me.<br /><br />This is a very... enlightening conversation. It was also very complicated and long and I don't think I did a very good job turning it into a script. This would be the most boring movie scene ever.<br /><br />Also, they all gave me names in the course of the conversation. Well, not they're real names, but funny weird code names work well enough.&nbsp;So before I launch into this very odd talk, I'm going to list out who they are and a brief description. Mostly so that I don't get lost myself. <br /><br />Thor: One of the men I recognized. Doesn't really look like Thor. Actually, he kind of reminds me of Professor Plum from the Clue games. He's got Harold Lloyd glasses and a light brown coat that looks pretty worn.<br /><br />Gabriel: The other man I recognized. He wasn't wearing a coat at all. Weird guy. He and Charles are probably the youngest of this group. I'd say they're both twenty-five or so. Probably. I didn't ask.<br /><br />Yorona: I have no idea how to spell it. I barely know how to pronounce it. I think it might be Spanish. Maybe. She was about forty or so and had on a light gray jacket.<br /><br />Lazarus: I think he's probably eighty or so, but like all of this, it's guesswork. I'm bad at ages. He walks really funny and has this long black trenchcoat and a wide brimmed hat. He sort of looked epic.<br /><br />Charles: Well, we all know him. Still wins the award for greatest coat ever.<br /><br />All right, on to the conversation.<br /><br />Me: Hey.<br />Charles: I already told you, I can't tell you anything.<br />Me: I'm not asking anything.<br />Charles: Oh.<br />Me: Actually, I need to tell you something. Whatever you're doing, you're in way over your head.<br />Lazarus: I assure you Miss, we're very well prepared.<br />Me: Not for this. <br />Lazarus: Would you care to elaborate?<br />(Oh, random tidbit. I imagine Lazarus talking in a British accent. He doesn't actually have a British accent, but it does suit him)<br />Me: You wouldn't believe me if I did.<br />Lazarus: Let me hazard a guess. You have seen the man following Anya.<br />Me: Yes. But...<br />Yorona: It isn't a man. We know.<br />Me: WHAT! YOU KNEW? (I think I might have sworn a bit here.)<br />Lazarus: That's exactly why we're here. And I thank you kindly for trying to warn us, but we do know what we're doing. Anya's in good hands.<br />Me: Are you seriously telling me that you know how to defeat the slenderman?<br />(At that moment, they all sort of got quiet.)<br />Me: What?<br />Thor: How long have you known about him?<br />Me: I dont know. Since January I think. Why?<br />Gabriel: That's a bit too soon. Maybe it's just a coincidence.<br />Yorona: Not neccesarily. She could be linked.<br />Gabriel: That's still very soon. It doesn't add up. (they argued like this, with me having any idea what was going on until Lazarus interrupted them.)<br />Lazarus: Has Anya read anything about the slender man? Watched Marble Hornets? Anything that might give her information?<br />Me: Yes. It was an accident though.<br />Yorona: She's in danger whether it was an accident or not.<br />(Ability to make me feel like crap award goes to Yorona)<br />Me: You said you can help her? Who are you?<br />Thor: Noctis Custodes.<br />Lazarus: We're really just the D.C. branch. The Noctis are everywhere. But we are here to help. We might not be able to save Anya but we can try.<br />Me: How?<br />Lazarus: I'm afraid we can't tell you that. You already know enough to be in danger.<br />Me: I want to help.<br />Charles: You've already helped. Now that we know that he really is involved, we can get started. Keep Anya calm. Can you do that?<br />Me: Yeah.<br />Lazarus: We'll let you know if you can do anything else.<br /><br />And then they left.<br /><br />Somehow, I'm more confused than when there were just creepy guys stalking a ten year old.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-60207653650853392532011-04-04T19:14:00.000-07:002011-04-04T19:14:59.067-07:00I know what I sound like now. Even though I've been rambling about Slender Man for months now, even though I sort of always believed in him, showing up and stalking Anya is just odd. And I feel like I should be running around saying that it didn't happen, or I'm going crazy or something. David mentioned that it was slightly unbelievable. I agree with him.<br /><br />But I know what I saw.<br /><br />I did take a few days off of the computer just to clear my head. But it didn't really help. I've been having nightmares again. I thought that I was finished with that, but now I can't close my eyes without having surreal images of black walls flashing behind them. I hear things sometimes, just little whisperings that don't seem to actually make words.<br /><br />And Anya isn't scared any more. I thought that this would be a good thing, but what she is now is something beyond fear.&nbsp; Beyond hope. It's depressing, and I wish I knew what to do to help her. But I'm nothing special. I don't think that I can help her. <br /><br />I have felt useless many times in my life, but this is the worst.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-52784915424380905072011-03-31T14:03:00.000-07:002011-03-31T14:03:53.083-07:00In which I understandI shouldn't be writing. It's irresponsible. And silly. I doubt any of you care. And if you do, that's worse. If I could, I would delete this blog. Turn around and forget. Make everyone forget with me. But I can't. I&nbsp;can't talk to anyone.&nbsp;Can't deal with&nbsp;what's happened on my own. So I write. I write and I send it out to the internet, where I hope that&nbsp;no&nbsp;one who doesn't already&nbsp;know finds it. I write because I don't know what else to do.<br /><br />Anya has been lying to me. <br /><br />It isn't anything big, or anything I really blame her for, but I feel like I could have helped her more if she had told me everything. I probably couldn't have, but the thought's still there.<br /><br />I'm at her house, by the way. She's sitting next to me, eating microwave popcorn and being the sulky new Anya I've come to know these past few weeks. And now I know why.<br /><br />I thought that it would be a good idea to drop by her school today. Thought she'd like someone to walk home with. I got there a little early, and was just waiting. Nothing else to do but wait. That's when I saw him.<br /><br />He was standing to the side of a tree, just staring at the school patiently. Just waiting too. I didn't see him at first. He was a few feet away, blending in. Just waiting. Then I looked over, and he looked at me too.<br /><br />Do you remember seeing Star Wars for the first time? Specifically towards the beginning, with the entrance of Darth Vader. When I first saw that, it was as if all the air in the room had rushed out, and all that was left was this dark menacing figure. Nobody fictional or real had done this to me since.<br /><br />Except today. <br /><br />He looked mostly like I thought he would, of course. Tall, thin, dressed in a black business suit. He did have a face, like Anya had said, but I can't actually tell you what they looked like. The descriptions slipped from my head the moment I saw him, and none of his features were memorable.Except for his eyes.<br /><br />Those eyes.<br /><br />I can't even remember what they looked like, but they stared into me. They stared through me.I've forgotten them, but I'll always remember.<br /><br />God, that doesn't even make sense.<br /><br />I don't know how long we stared at each other. All I remember is snapping back to reality when someone took my hand. It was Anya.<br /><br />"Don't worry." she said, "He won't do anything yet." And then we went home.<br /><br />This isn't a bald man stalking Anya. It isn't human at all. Anya knew of course, there is no way not to know. But she didn't want to worry anyone too much. Didn't want anyone to call her crazy.<br /><br />So she lied.<br /><br />But she doesn't have to lie any more. I saw him, and I believe her now. <br /><br />And it's my fault.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-82229650602810867192011-03-29T20:41:00.000-07:002011-03-29T20:44:34.677-07:00In which a stalker is crypticAnya went back to school today, which gave me a lot more free time but also a lot less money. And she's still one of the few people I know in D.C. I should really start trying to make friends. But anyway, her being at school means that I went job hunting some more. I ate lunch at the California Tortilla Factory. And from the corner of my eye, I saw Charles. Apparently he's following me now.<br /><br />I admit, whenever I thought about confronting him, it was sort of like an action sequence. I'd address him, and then he'd start running and I'd have to chase him through the city or something. Ok, so maybe I watch too many films. I'm a huge fan of the dramatic. Which is probably why talking to him was pretty anticlimactic. I picked up my burrito, and sat down next to him. He looked up, and we had this convesation:<br /><br />Charles: Is this the first time you've seen me?<br />Me: No. I've seen you a lot.<br />Charles: (curses a bit) I'm sorry.<br />Me: For following Anya and me, or getting caught?<br />Charles: Both I guess. I don't mean either of you harm.<br />Me: You're scaring Anya. So whether or not you mean harm, you're certainly causing it. If I see you again, I'm calling the cops.<br />Charles: Who do you think called me in the first place?(I didn't have much to say to that) Look, I would do this the standard way if I could, but any interaction with Anya could make things worse. Until we know that we can help her, we have to have as little contact as possible.<br />Me: We? (he doesn't answer) And what are you talking about?<br />Charles: I can't tell you. But I'm the good guy. Please just trust me on this.<br />(So this is paraphrased from a fifteen minute conversation. But I think I got the basic gist of it down)<br /><br />Right, like I'm gonna trust a stalker. He left then, and I finished my burrito and left shortly afterwards. And I don't care what he said, I am calling the cops if I see him again. <br /><br />Still, lots of questions. And he didn't really answer any, either. I want to hit him with a shovel.<br /><br />Hard.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-91033694526427019752011-03-25T19:54:00.000-07:002011-03-25T19:54:59.238-07:00In which the cherry blossoms bloomSo, babysitting Anya's still my only job, no one seems to be able to track down the guy who's following her, Theresa is recovering but still not quite in perfect shape, and I'm starting to get these really awful stomach cramps every once in a while. And yet, I'm feeling pretty good. Why?<br /><br />Because the cherry blossom festival has started.<br /><br />This is the first time that I've gotten to see them. Mom moved to D.C. during the cherry blossom festival last year, but I didn't visit her until the summer. And I figured it would be pretty, but I really wasn't prepared for just how gorgeous this city is at springtime.<br /><br />Yesterday, I took Anya to a 'Stand for Japan' event that was pretty much a charity thing for the relief effort going on in Japan right now. It was really really cold and my California sensibilities caused me to not realize that my coat wasn't warm enough. And they started an hour later than they said they would. But it put a lot of things into perspective hearing people talk about the earthquakes and tsunami and nuclear plant issue. I can get pretty apathetic at times. I get so wrapped up in what's going on with my life, or my next writing project, or whatever that I forget what's going on with me. Which is awful because when I do pay attention, I'd like to think I'm a pretty empathic person. I really do try to help. <br /><br />Lately, I've been worried about Anya, and my lack of a proper job, and how I flunked out of school while people overseas were dying. I can't really blame myself, though. It's a human thing to do and it's a crazy world out there. And I can't really do much, being in America and all. All I can really do is donate a ton, which I did after the speakers had finished. <br /><br />When all the talking was done, we took a&nbsp;walk around&nbsp;Tidal Basin where most of the trees were. Anya didn't seem to want to go at first, since it was a long walk and I had accidentally given her a fear of trees. But I did manage to get her to go, and I don't think that either of us regretted it.<br /><br />Those flowers were the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen. I really suck at descriptions, so I feel like whatever I say will just make it sound silly. But it was about sunset when we started and the light was bouncing off of the clear lake while we were completely surrounded by white and pale pink blossoms. Some were low hanging, or dipped into the water. And there's just something about those trees. They are just so... hopeful somehow. And I felt like despite all the horrible stuff in the world, there would be an end somehow.<br /><br />I think Anya felt it too because as we walked she began acting a bit more like herself. By the end of it she was running ahead of me, talking a million miles an hour and actually smiling for the first time in days. And she almost pushed me into the water. She can be a serious turd sometimes. The whole thing wore us both out, which is why I'm talking about all of this today instead of yesterday. I think that we needed that though. Everything has been so tense lately.<br /><br />Then again, there are good reasons for that. Just this evening, I swear I saw Charles passing by Anya's house.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693252498572477988.post-61789291401509300502011-03-22T20:54:00.000-07:002011-03-22T20:54:08.228-07:00In which things get worseI was going to post Sunday. I was going to post Monday too. But posting's been a bit far from my mind. And nothing sudden has happened. It's all just started to slowly decline. Everything that's happened in these past three days wasn't really a surprise. There were signs everywhere. I just only saw them once they got really obvious.<br /><br />For one thing, I'm writing this at my house. I haven't been to Anya's house since Sunday. Then again, neither has Anya. She's been spending time over here while her mother deals with some things. I really hate to talk bad about Theresa because I really like her. So I won't. You really don't need to know her story. Just know that people deal with stress differently. The way Theresa deals with it just often leads to more problems. Mom's been checking in with her, so she'll probably be ok. <br /><br />The whole thing with her mom hasn't been helping Anya, though. She hasn't told me about seeing anyone any more, but she doesn't really talk a lot. She just sits around and draws. And yeah, the drawings are pretty creepy. I mean, it's not standard 'SEES ME' junk or anything, but the pied piper in some of her drawings has a few too many arms. The pictures are creepy, but the silence is worse. This girl used to talk my ear off and run around in circles and throw mud at me (ok, so that only happened once). Now, she barely says anything.<br /><br />I'm trying to help her out, since Theresa's not really in any shape to. But no matter what I do she just seems to slip farther and farther away from everyone.<br /><br />I don't know what to do.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08176647890103386926noreply@blogger.com0