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Of All the Gin Joints, in All the Towns, in All the World…

It seems like every time I go use the bathroom at work, there is a group of men standing right in front of the restroom door, shooting the breeze. Why? Why is this ‘the place to be.’ Do you enjoy the ambiance? Can’t get enough of that refreshing public bathroom scent? Or maybe this is a great place to pick up women?

“So, do you come here often?”

“Yes, about four times a day, ever since I started drinking a liter of water before lunch.”

Can you please.go.stand.SOMEWHERE ELSE!? I don’t know why it bothers me so much. Even though using the bathroom is a perfectly normal and acceptable thing to do, I always feel slightly embarrassed and ‘caught in the act’ if I have to make eye contact with someone as I walk in or out. No matter how hard I try to look normal, my eyes just scream, “I was just sitting on the toilet and we both know it, awkward!” I always blush and have some kind of “Busted!” look on my face.

And it’s not just that these guys loiter around the door. They stand right in front of it, as if they are guarding it. Like they are going to ask me to “answer me these questions three” before they let me pass. So I always have to awkwardly cut through their conversation to get inside. You’d think that would be a wake up call. Like, “Oh, haha, wow I am standing right in front of the door to the women’s restroom, like a fucking creep, maybe I should move over a foot or two.” But no.

Another layer of discomfort is added to the situation if the same group of guys is standing there when you walk in and when you walk out. I feel like the meter is running on me. Like their conversation is going to time stamp my trip to the bathroom. “Wow, she was in there that whole time? When she went in we were talking about Syria and when she came out we were listing all the food trucks we’ve been to.” If you think I am being overly paranoid, you are wrong. If you think I flatter myself that anyone would notice how long I’ve been in the bathroom, think again. People notice. In my first week at a previous job, a male coworker pointed something out to me when a female coworker stepped out of the office. “See that, she is off to take her afternoon dump. 2:00 every day. You’ll see.” I learned two important things that day. 1. Don’t use the bathroom around 2:10 and 2. People notice everything.

Maybe it would help if I said something to these men. Not something like, “Excuse me.” No, something more aggressive and implicative like, “Do you often loiter outside women’s restrooms?” or “Is there anywhere else in this hallway you could stand so that I don’t have to request your permission to use the bathroom?” Or something else intended to humiliate and question their character. I know that would give me a good enough reason to stand somewhere else.

46 thoughts on “Of All the Gin Joints, in All the Towns, in All the World…”

I had a boss who would take a magazine to the bathroom every morning. All of us noticed and joked about it. And the toilet was right outside the office, so all of us heard it as well. At least he used the air freshener each time, but still I would wander to a different toilet down the hall.

I would do my best to make their lives as awkward as possible. Maybe high five them when I come out of the washroom while looking really impressed with myself, or make comments like “wow, they weren’t lying about asparagus!” I’m not very ladylike, though.

The least the guys could do is establish a rating system and hold up a card with a number (like Dancing with the Stars) each time a woman walks by. If they’re going to make you feel uncomfortable, they go all out!

I require MAXIMUM PRIVACY when I’m in disposed or I can’t close the deal.

Did you know that some men stand at a urinal and do their thing WHILE TALKING ON CELL A CELL PHONE? It’s a fact! I’ve seen it many, many times. I always pray the phone slips out of his hand and gets pissed on. If men can do that, then certainly socializing outside the ladies room is of no consequence.

Get a post it note, ask one of them to sign it on the way in and then again on the way out, or have one of them hold something for you to be collected on the way out and just stay in there for the longest time…don’t explain any of it, you’ll drive them in circles trying to figure out what just happened. REDdog

You need to think outside the box on this one. Once we had a meeting at work during “colsed hours” and I didn’t know if I would have a chance to catch lunch before I had to clock-in, so I put a pack of Ramen Noodles in my jacket just in case. We got out with plenty of time to spare but to my surprise someone had jacked my noodles!????? Really? Was the lime shrimp flavor that tempting you just couldn’t resist, and what were you you doing in my jacket anyhow? Being you were obviously a thief, noodles? That was your jackpot for the day, anyhow I thought I’d give them a little surprise for next time. I took a dollar bill and coyly placed it poking out of very same pocket ready to be snatched with the deft quickness only a trained pickpocket had the brazen agility to use and pull off. I also taped said dollar bill to a cocked and ready mouse trap. Although the noodle thief was never caught nor found the trap had been triggered more than once and I’m sure somewhwere someone thinks twice about sticking their fingers into someone else’s coat pocket from now on. 🙂

I feel like the whole using the bathroom at work situation is fraught with enough anxiety without these idiots standing in front of the door. I say stop, put your hands on your hips, shake your head and say “Unbelievable. Really?” followed by the heavy, annoyed sigh. If they can’t take at least one of those visual/verbal clues, you have a bigger problem on your hands.