Things That Girls With Male Best Friends Know To Be True

All through high school and for most of my 20s I was the girl with lots of male friends. I had very few girlfriends, but not in the girls-just-don’t-like-me-for-some-reason-probs-because-I’m-waaayyyyyyy-sexy way. It’s just worked out that for whatever reason I have always been the girl with more male friends than female friends.

Now, when you’re a woman and your best friend is a guy, people automatically think you’re up to something. I used to HATE people’s assumptions of me based on me friendships, but now I find it endlessly humorous to watch them try to figure me out. Am I up to something? Is it a ploy to get laid? Am I trying to inflate my ego by being the “cool girl”, the girl who is one of the boys?

Even though all these perceptions of me no longer affect me like they used to, I still have to put up with the bullshit that comes with it. The weird hangups from family and friends, the questions about when “he’s going to start treating you properly and get married”, complete strangers telling you that y’all make such a cute couple… because boys and girls cannot simply be friends. OK, sometimes, male/female BFFs do end up becoming something more. But more often they don’t. And no matter what happens, women with male best friends aren’t pulling some kind of sexual long con.

Here are some things I know to be true about having a male best friend. Because he’s the fucking bomb.

WE ARE BOTH VERY HAPPY IN OUR SINGLE-NESS

No we are not in a relationship. We never were and never will be in a relationship. No we have never even kissed, not even by accident. We have never even thought about it, except for that low point where I asked him to be my back up in case I got old and was still alone. We are both very aware that we are only friends, and nothing more. There is mutual respect and there is love, but there are zero romantic feelings.

COMPLIMENTS ARE THIN ON THE GROUND

While my lady loves are always willing to tell me my ass looks slammin’ in my new jeans, Dude BFF doesn’t give a shit. He’s not checking out my ass, and he doesn’t even give it a single thought. I caught up with an ex for a drink and needed a confidence boost just as I was walking in, and I had to BEG for a compliment from Dude BFF. Conversation went like this:

Me: Tell me I look hot.
Dude BFF: You’re pretty.
Me: Obvs. I don’t mean pretty, I need to know I look hot so I can rub it in his face!
Dude BFF: Girls are weird.

NETFLIX AND CHILL MEANS NETFLIX AND ACTUALLY CHILL

Face mask, check. Old, gross PJs with the hole in the crotch, check. Chocolate and other treats, check. Netflix with Dude BFF means I can actually enjoy an entire movie without wondering if he has noticed if I shaved me legs, or wondering when he is going to make a move.

ITS GETS VERY WEIRD WHEN ONE OF US GETS A SIGNIFICANT OTHER

He will spend hours explaining that he looks at me like I’m a lamp, I find myself going to absurd lengths to show that I am not a sexual threat, like talking in her presence about my thrush and/or UTI, or making sure to wear my least-flattering, most coffee-stained clothes when all three of us go out together. In the reverse though, he seems to get off lightly. I spend hours explaining to new love interests that when we hang out we’re far too interested in running each other off the road in Mario Kart than heeding the call of each other’s booty. It’s an issue that needs to be sorted and fast, because if you wanna get with me, you gotta get with my friends.

PEOPLE ASSUME WE SHOULD BE DATING

Because apparently just liking someone’s personality and having them in close proximity to your residence is enough to start a relationship. Well you know, that and genitals.

WORSE, PEOPLE ASSUME I TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HIM

We all know that the key to long lasting friendships is mutual respect and love. Neither of us takes advantage of the other, we both constantly do shit for each other. He isn’t killing my spiders because he’s secretly in love with me, he’s doing it because he knows I’m scared of them and he’s my friend and wants to help me out. Remember kids, the friend zone doesn’t exist.

INSIGHT INTO THE MALE PSYCHE IS SCARY

He’s a guy, so he know what guys talk about when they’re alone. He’s had to be brutally honest with me when guys have been obvious dicks, and he’s given away a few team secrets in the process.

ZERO MINCING OF WORDS

There is no threat of insult, because we insult each other for laughs all the time. By this point, is it even love if it’s not dished out with a dose of tough? We both know exactly where the line is, and how far we can push it. We can say exactly what is on our minds without worrying about how bad it sounds.

I HAVE SUPER THICK SKIN NOW

Once upon a time I was a lot more sensitive than I am now. Thanks to the tough love mentioned above, I now have a much thicker skin. Dude BFF keeps it real 100% of the time, especially when I don’t want to hear it. He tells me when I am being crazy, when I am being an idiot, when I look fat, when I have spinach caught in my teeth, when I am drunk and go home. Girl BFFs put love hearts on your Insta, Dude BFFs are definitely not as considerate. Thanks to him, I could take a bullet with this skin.

MATCHMAKER, MATCHMAKER, MAKE ME A MATCH

I dream of the day I get to introduce Dude BFF to his future wife. She will be this amazingly intelligent and hilarious person, who plays bass in an all female band and is just the coolest person ever. She and I will be besties and she will have a hot brother who is equally awesome that she can set me up with. Because that’s how life works, right?

I GET TO BE HIS TRINNY AND SUSANNAH

Dude BFF may not notice when I get my haircut, but I remember every terrible fashion choice he ever made. When you call your Dude BFF on his useless fashion sense, you get to be an unquestioned fashion expert, because girl power.

YOU GOT THIS?

We used to split bills, but by this point we’ve bailed each other out and bought dinner or drinks so often we’ve forgotten who’s turn it is. And it doesn’t matter. Everything evens out in the end anyway, provided neither person feels ripped off.

BULLSHIT DETECTOR

Dude BFF is the best bullshit detector. I can always tell if a relationship of mine is going to last based on Dude BFF’s opinion of New Guy, and it is essential they get along. If you wanna get with me, you gotta get with my friends – and especially him.

GREATEST WINGMAN/BIGGEST COCKBLOCK

Infuriatingly true. It’s usually an accidental cockblock, but it’s so.fucking.frustrating. When we go out, just the two of us, people assume we are a couple. I never get chatted up, it’s like I’m wearing a sign that says “Don’t talk to me” when in actual fact it’s probably worth me getting one made that says “I’m cute and funny and this idiot is just my friend. Come say hi.” There is literally no better way to make sure no guy ever speaks to me in a bar than to show up with Dude BFF in tow.

When he feels like it though, he likes to play a little game called “Haaaaave you met Emma?”

HE IS A VOICE OF REASON IN A WORLD OF DAYDREAMS

Girl BFFs are awesome at helping plan your future destination wedding in Thailand, or picking out the names of your future children with your new squeeze. Dude BFF doesn’t encourage any of that crap. He is guaranteed to be pretty quick at reminding me that there has only been one date, and it was just coffee.

OOPS ARE YOU A GUY?

I frequently forget he is a guy and make him do things that aren’t considered manly by general society. Like mani/pedi’s and listening to me whinge that the lining of my uterus is breaking down and shedding. He has even been known to come to the hairdresser with me. What makes him great is that he doesn’t care, it’s more important that we spend time together and if that’s the only time we can squeeze it in then that’s fine.

OOPS ARE YOU A GIRL?

Flip side. He frequently forgets I am a girl and forgets basic hygiene rules like flushing the toilet. True story.

I DON’T GET WHY PEOPLE INSIST THAT WE ARE WEIRD

People will constantly tell me that boys and girls cannot be friends. I’ve never understood it, it make no sense to me but then I am a woman with a lot of close male friends who I have never had so much as a twinkle of a romantic feeling for. It’s 2016, and you’re telling me that one half of the world’s population can’t be friends with the other? Yeah, ok. *confused*

NO TEXT NO WORRIES

Literally zero fucks about not getting a text back. In fact, it doesn’t even matter if I send him seven before he responds with a simple “OK”.

WE WOULD BE LOST WITHOUT EACH OTHER

Dude BFF isn’t just my BFF. He’s my other half, resident dating sounding board, honest critic, bodyguard and general awesome human. I would literally flounder through life without him.