The Chase

Bucky Bitters struggles to escape the airborne affections of Derpy Hooves after a chance encounter caused them to bump noses together. His real mistake was trying to comfort the mare after the snoot-bump. Little does the poor stallion realise that their meeting was only the prologue to a journey that will change not only his life, but the lives around him forever.

“Oh, I held Luna down and blew raspberries on her belly.” Bucky’s face became serious. “We have a long night ahead of us. This could be awful. I plan to test this on myself, you don’t have to join me.”

“Once she allowed herself to laugh and have fun, she was fine. She did say that I was going to pay dearly though,” Bucky replied.

The fiery orange unicorn blinked and looked at Bucky. “So, what are we testing?”

“Nonlethal means of pacification. I have developed a spell that will thoroughly hydrate the bowels of the body. If my theory proves correct, since the spell does no measurable harm, but actually helps the body, current means of spell protections should prove completely worthless. I’m not quite certain what it will do, but it will be awful.”

Bucky walked through the laboratory, located in the middle of his tower, and lifted a spell jar off of a stand. He held it aloft in his magic, squinted his eye, studied it, and then looked at Sunset Shimmer. “Really… you might just want to observe me rather than endure this.”

“Master, the goal here is to avoid bringing harm to our enemies, if it can be helped. You have an insane pain tolerance. You cannot give realistic feedback on what you experience.” Sunset snorted and shook her mane out of her eyes. “As your Minion, I am obligated to help you.”

“Minion… I expect for this to be bad.” Bucky looked at the crystal pylons situated around the testing floor. “That is why I have the incineration units prepared. This will be messy.”

“Oh.” Sunset Shimmer paused and stared down at the floor. “We will need an observer.”

“Who?” Bucky asked.

“Trixie,” Sunset Shimmer replied.

Bucky nodded. “Trixie.”

Trixie, after hearing what Bucky had to say, raised her eyebrow. “A bowel hydration spell? And Trixie is to observe the results… Trixie is doubtful and feels hesitant to observe the outcome of what is certain to be a horrific success.”

“Come on Trixie, you keep saying that you want to be involved in more research so you can be a better wizard,” Sunset Shimmer said, trying to cajole Trixie into agreeing.

Moving about the lab, Bucky made certain that everything was in place. There were clouds to provide rain so they could shower, the incinerators were ready to clean what was certain to be a huge mess off of the floor, and radius of effect for the spell trapped in the jar was clearly marked upon the floor.

“Why are we doing this? What is the result that we hope to achieve?” Trixie asked.

“To remove enemies from combat, render them impotent, stop enemy unicorns from casting, and do no serious harm to them. From what Master says, this spell is actually beneficial and will leave them in better health afterwards,” Sunset Shimmer replied.

“Trixie is dubious of these claims.” The unicorn raised her eyebrow and looked up at Sunset Shimmer, who was still quite tall. “On a scale of one to ten, how horrible will this be?”

“Hmm, I’d say about a ninety nine,” Bucky replied as he began setting up automated quills to write down everything that he and Sunset Shimmer might say.

“You don’t have to do this, I am content to be the only one who suffers,” Bucky said.

Sunset Shimmer watched as Trixie took off to get a safe distance away from the test zone, smiling as she saw Trixie’s mane and tail bobbing as well as bouncing. “Bucky, you ever just look at somepony and have a sudden reminder of why you fell in love with them?”

Turning, Bucky waved his talons in front of Sunset Shimmer’s eyes, trying to get her attention. “Sunset, are you there? Are you still with me?”

“She’s amazing. Something in the way she moves…”

“Trixie knows she has the stuff.” Flicking her tail, Trixie gave Sunset a wry smile. “Trixie knows she has the goods to make Bartleby squawk and Sunset Shimmer to lose focus. If Trixie was a train, her caboose would be most grand and glorious.”

“We’re trying to do science here,” Bucky said, rolling his eyes as he fanned his talons in front of Sunset Shimmer’s glazed over stare once again. “Hello?”

“We should begin our defensive preparations. I doubt they will help, but we need to be thorough,” Bucky said in an amused voice as he watched Sunset give Trixie one final glance.

Casting every defensive spell he could think of, Bucky focused on the task at hoof. He cast defensive wards, protective spell barriers, protective charms, security enchantments, and even a very difficult to cast spell armor that Bucky struggled to manifest but that Sunset Shimmer popped into existence with no effort. As Bucky cast each spell, he spoke its name aloud, allowing it to be recorded by the automated scribing system.

“Nonlethal takedown… test one,” Bucky announced in a clear voice as he lifted a glass globe and held it in the dead center of the testing zone. “Minion, are you ready?”

“Master, you are asking me if I am ready to have my bowels explode. How do I answer that query, exactly? That is a tall order,” Sunset Shimmer replied.

“Trixie is going to witness the Turd Typhoon Three Thousand!”

Both Bucky and Sunset Shimmer turned to look at Trixie with wide eyes and manic grins. Bucky was not the only maniacal pony in the room.

“Trixie feels that alliteration adds gravitas to mad arcano-science. Trixie is once again shown to be correct. Bowel Bomb, Trixie’s first thought, lacks the dramatic presence of Turd Typhoon Three Thousand!”

“Trixie, why three thousand?” Bucky asked the question that begged to be asked.

“Mwahahahahaha! Three thousand implies that there were two thousand nine hundred and ninety nine failures before finally reaching success with three thousand. It will make your enemies’ sphincters clench in fear, not that it will do them any good, imagining all of the things that might have gone wrong during the first two thousand nine hundred and ninety nine attempts!” Trixie threw back her head and laughed some more.

Without warning, Bucky crushed the globe into nothingness. There was a flash of blue-green harmony magic that enveloped both Bucky and Sunset Shimmer.

“My lips suddenly feel very full and smooth. My mouth feels moist. All of me feels moist,” Sunset Shimmer said as she cocked her head to one side. “Spell defenses did nothing. My skin feels hydrated, like I spent all day in the spa with Twilight Sparkle.”

“I feel better than I have in quite some time,” Bucky reported. He heard a quill scribbling down his words. “But I am experiencing some minor…” Bucky paused as there was a loud squelching gurgle deep within his guts. “Correction, experiencing some major bowel excitement.”

“Master, what has your mad science wrought?”

“Our doom,” Bucky replied as he clutched his guts with his talons. He closed his eyes. “Experiencing some mild discomfort. I can feel things moving around inside of there. I am going to attempt to cast a spell.”

Bucky’s horn flashed for a moment and a look of concentration appeared upon his face. As a globe of intense light flashed into existence over Bucky’s horn, a lingering, pealing note of flatulence emerged from Bucky’s backside and there was a horrendous gurgle from within his midsection. The sphere of light over his horn flickered, went dim, and them faded as Bucky fell over onto his side with a pained gasp.

A moment later, Sunset Shimmer fell over onto the stone floor and curled up into a huddled ball of misery. “Minion’s log… as expected, everything is about to go horribly right. I can feel my insides sloshing… sloshing!”

Groaning, Bucky hiked his tail away from his backside as he farted once more, the pressure continued to build, and his sides bulged in the most alarming fashion. The soft skin of his flanks, the skin that exists between the hip bones and the ribs, rippled and convulsed in a most unnatural sort of way.

“Damn all warlocks,” Sunset Shimmer whimpered as she covered her face with her front hooves. She uncurled from her fetal position and her back arched as she flung her tail away from her backside. Wet whooshy sounding crepitations were now escaping from her plot furrow.

And then, without warning, it was Sunset Shimmer who exploded first. A brown geyser burst from her backside, a raging torrent of liquefied feces that spurted out with enough force that it splashed down almost twenty feet away.

“I have made a grievous error in judgment,” Bucky said and then, he too, exploded.

“The expression ‘damn all warlocks’ is erroneous, this was done with harmony magic,” Trixie said as she watched in wide eyed awe. “This, by definition and by classification, is a healing spell, and would be a powerful weapon against sickness and disease.” Trixie’s nose crinkled as she watched brown sludge spewing from Sunset Shimmer and Bucky’s backsides.

Sunset Shimmer let out a sobbing, shuddering cry as it felt like her insides were leaking out from her backside. She rolled over onto her stomach, trying to keep her tail out of the streaming filth, and failed. She began to cry as she felt her hind legs being coated in watery diarrhea.

“I can do nothing,” Bucky said, struggling to get the words out. “It is all I can do to just lay here and endure this. Each spell I attempt to cast fizzles out into failure.” As he spoke, yet another spell became a shower of sparks that fell from his twisted horn.

The floor around the pair was flooded with an unspeakable mess.

“What in the name of Celestia’s golden sun is happening here?”

With wide, fearful eyes, Trixie looked up and saw Twilight Sparkle standing in the doorway. Trixie, at a loss for words, stammered a few times, and then at last said, “Science!”

As Twilight Sparkle held up two miserable and trembling ponies under rainclouds to help them get cleaned off, she also read the disturbing research notes. As Twilight read, both Sunset Shimmer and Bucky would suffer an occasional squirt. A protective magenta bubble was around Twilight Sparkle’s head to protect her from the stench.

“I am both disgusted and impressed,” Twilight Sparkle said as she glanced at Bucky. “This is brilliant… and insane.”

“And effective,” Sunset Shimmer said in a low squeaky voice. “I think I need a soothing lotion… I feel chapped back there.”

Twilight Sparkle took a step backwards and let out a disgusted grunt as Sunset Shimmer dribbled out yet more runny feces. As the liquid spattered upon the stone floor, the blazing orange unicorn whimpered.

“Trixie believes this will be the solution to all future rioting. This application of force will only need to used once or twice… the consequences for failing to comply are so horrible that ponies will just go home rather than risk facing the Turd Typhoon Three Thousand.”

“Turd Typhoon Three Thousand?” Twilight Sparkle smirked and let out an immature snigger. She struggled to maintain her composure and lost. The alicorn of magic began to chuckle.

“This application of force is safe… I am too pooped to fight. More than anything, I want to lay down and recover. I don’t think I could fight right now, even if I wanted to,” Bucky said in a weak voice. “So Twilight, what brings you here?”

“I came by to tell you that we will resume our scheduled project tomorrow night.” Twilight Sparkle gave Bucky a meaningful look.

“I understand. Tomorrow night then.” Bucky nodded.

“I also came by because I recently uncovered something that I know that will help me and I wanted to talk to Sunset Shimmer…”

“...so… this is my grand vision of the future and this is why I need you,” Twilight said, explaining everything to Sunset Shimmer as the orange unicorn sat in a soft chair, drinking a soothing tea. “Princess Celestia said that you caused explosive plant growth during your exam. The vines took over the library tower. How?”

“I can produce actual sunlight… I don’t know how or why, but my sunlight is special. It causes hyper growth of plants.” Sunset Shimmer took a sip of tea, narrowed her eyes, and looked at Twilight. “So you want a university made of living trees, just like your library tree?”

“Yes.” Twilight nodded. “I have a grove of white oaks in mind that stand upon the edge of the Whitetail Woods that would be perfect. They are already large, in good health, and would form a wonderful campus. I want this to be my legacy, what I leave behind in the world. Bucky has the Founder’s Forge and he has primary and secondary grades covered… Ponyville needs a university… we could cover education for all phases of life. I know that Bucky will prepare perfect students to attend university. He prepares them, I finish them… I have grand plans, Sunset Shimmer.”

“I can help you,” Sunset Shimmer said as she shivered. “I feel so empty inside.”