I think about what the effect would be on my children and how I would be compromising their safety. If and when I am able to complete what I know is inevitable, my children could be faced with some of the same things that put me in the position I am in now. I do not want to be responsible for their deaths. I wish for them to have long, happy lives. This is what gives me strength to hold on for just one more day. Soon these days will add up to be enough and I know they will be safe. Then I will be free.

drink, smoke, maybe try and fuck a girl (or guy who cares?). Mostly when I'm really down i like to rip and tear apart everything that I love in this life. It would make dying so much easier once everyone realizeds how much better off the world is.

i call the suicide hotline. i've called 'em so often in the last 3 months i'm on a first name basis with one of the staff there. after talking honestly for a while, about my feelings, and my options, i always feel better when i get off the phone.

i call someone, that i know i care about, and i ask them what they would do if i ever died. i cry a lot after i hear their answer just cause i feel so much better and it stops me from doing anything drastic.

I know what you mean. I haven't been denied a bed on the physc ward, but I have been rushed thru so they can have a bed available for someone else. Once you tell them yes I have suicidal thoughts but I am not acting on them right now. They list you as stable and send you on your way.
I have gotten to the point that I don't say anything because no one wants to hear it. They just think oh he's doing so good right now. If they only knew what was actually going thru my mind. Good luck,:chopper:

I agree Stranger1, they ask if you are suicidal & you say yes, they ask if you have a plan & you say yes. Then they ask if you know when you are going to attempt it, if you can't give a definite answer then they send you on your way. I don't tell them anything now, there's no point, they only hear what they want. I had a friend who was suicidal, he went to the local police station to ask for help, they gave him the number for Samaritans & sent him home. I don't know if it's true or not, I'd like to think it isn't.

To answer the original post though, when I feel like giving up I usually do. I'm just not strong enough to do otherwise.

sleep. stay in bed a lot where it's warm. comfort myself as best as i can on myself. go very slowly and just do nothing (try and eat properly and make my meals as best as i can) and wait.
that's just now though. i'm much better now than in the past...