Monday, August 01, 2005

A Heavy Weight...

A restless night left me unfocused and feeling dull at work today. I resolve to get a much better night's rest tonight...

Blogland is a unique world. Free of first impressions and physical instincts, we are granted access to a person's heart and soul without hesitation. Secrets, fears, dreams - all are shared openly and without reserve. And people come to matter.

Jay of Jay Flying Solo (aka Jay Loves Kitti)set my mind spinning when I came home from work tonight and read his blog post of the day. He's been having some pretty major marital problems and I've been worrying over him quite a bit. Every now and then I can 'read' someone fairly well and his situation just spooks me. First, he suspects his wife of cheating and I'd be hard pressed not to agree. Her actions look way too similar to 'the pattern'. Don't forget that while I was the victim to EH's online incidents, in another life before EH, I was the biggest whore of them all. I knew how to cheat. I knew the games. I knew the moves. I was an expert. I also get fairly irritable with the situation as he describes it. His wife is a stay-at-home mom wo is supported by Jay and doesn't seem to even remotely appreciate it. Rather, she seems to feel like a prisoner.

EH and I are really lucky. We laugh a lot, we indulge in passionate moments, we play, we work, we thrive. Don't get me wrong, sometimes we irritate each other but it's pretty even sailing. Many people that know EH and I have admitted to feeling envy and I can't help but feel just a little guilty. This relationship isn't some product of hard work - it's pure luck. I found the one. That's it. I do believe that one special person is out there for everyone and I do believe in NOT settling, but I also don't want to be the influence for a divorce. Who the hell am I anyway? Just some girl who got lucky. That's it. I don't deserve this one bit more than anyone else.

Not all relationships can be the same. EH and I are fairly well matched. Although we are independent in our own ways, we spend much more time together than the average couple. I'm "difficult" (and well aware of it) and EH has the patience of a saint. We just work.

I am the type of person who has three speeds with other humans. I love you. I hate you. I am indifferent to you. There's nothing halfway about me. I very rarely hate a person. There are a grand total of two assholes that I wish would curl up and die in the most horrible imaginable way and they both know exactly how I feel and why. (Assholes). But I grow extremely fond of people very easily.

There are a couple of male bloggers who just speak to me and are hurting... Jay is one of them. He's such a damned nice guy with so much to offer a girl. He writes so passionately about his wife that even I feel a twinge of envy wishing EH would wax poetic over me that way. I wish it only took a thong in the bedroom to make him go crazy. I wear thongs pretty much 24-7 along with corsets, camisoles, thigh-high's and fishnets and EH is just accustomed to it. It certainly wouldn't make him ravage me in my sleep. Jay's the kind of guy I would love to sit back and have a cocktail with and talk for hours. (No worries, EH knows I easily befriend men without necessarily seducing them).

Sunset Man is another. I haven't figured it out with him yet. Something in his tone just relaxes me and makes me want to talk to him as well. He's looking to rekindle a spark in his marriage and I have this feeling he could easily do it. He just comes across as a sexy, fun, playful and open man who is having a hard time.

My other male bloggers on my links are all great guys. There's not a one that doesn't strike me as a "great guy" but the ones I singled out just seem to "speak" to me more often than not. They're the guys I want to buy a beer for and listen to.

If you're on my blog list, there's a damned good reason. It's easy. I like you. I like what you have to say and cherish your comments and I listen to what you have to say. How many times has Rosie or Ed given me advice and I swear, I actually listened? How many times have I felt encouraged or shared a 'virtual laugh' over Midwestern City Boy's remarks? How many times do I just want to hug Amateur Dad? And Rob, he's like the voice of my conscience most days.

I've digressed...a lot. I'm rambling at this point.

Two points here...One, I'm uncomfortable having Jay see something in my life that dramatically changes his. I'm nobody's role model, trust me. And two, I need you to know how much you matter to me. Because you do. You really do.

...and if I were single...I'd be looking for Mr. Right in Blogland because some of the best men in the world are right here. But, alas, in lieu of a love affair, I'm always available to be a friend.

And if any of you should ever just need to talk, I'm going to be there.

What a scattered babbling post this turned into. Call it stream of consciousness from an odd, odd mind.