In the last 15 years, I've done countless interviews with the media. And the question I dread the most always comes first: "What is borderline personality disorder?"

Given that the the average attention span is 60 seconds and borderline disorder may be the most complex mental disorder in the DSM-IV-TR, this is always a challenge. In this post, I'll attempt to give you a short, sweet, but broad-based picture of BPD in a real-life environment. This information comes from a combination of:

1) The psychiatric and mental health community
2) People with BPD (BPs) discussing themselves
3) The observations of several thousand friends and family members (non-BPs) over a 15-year period.

Now let's take a closer look at some thoughts, feelings, and actions that are typical of people with BPD in general (not all will apply to your particular situation). These are all, of course, also common in people who don't have BPD.

Borderline Beliefs

A person with BPD might:

* Alternate between seeing others as completely for them or against them.
* Have a hard time recalling someone's love for them when they're not around.
* Change their opinions depending upon whom they're with.
* Alternate between idealizing people and devaluing them.
* Remember situations very differently than other people, or find themselves unable to recall them at all.
* Believe that others are responsible for their actions-or take too much responsibility for the actions of others.
* Seem unwilling to admit to a mistake-or feel that everything that they do is a mistake.
* Base their beliefs on feelings rather than facts.
* Not realize the effects of their behavior on others.

Borderline Emotions

A person with BPD might:

* Feel abandoned at the slightest provocation.
* Have extreme moodiness that cycles very quickly (in minutes or hours).
* Have difficulty managing their emotions.
* Feel emotions so intensely that it's difficult to put others' needs, even those of their own children, ahead of their own.
* Feel distrustful and suspicious a great deal of the time.
* Feel anxious or irritable a great deal of the time.
* Feel empty or like they have no self a great deal of the time.
* Feel ignored when they are not the focus of attention.
* Express anger inappropriately or have difficulty expressing anger at all.
* Feel that they never can get enough love, affection, or attention.
* Frequently feel spacey, unreal, or out of it.

Borderline Behaviors

A person with BPD might:

* Have trouble observing their own and others' personal limits.
* Rush into relationships based on idealized fantasies of what they would like the other person or the relationship to be.
* Change their expectations in such a way that the other person feels they can never do anything right.
* Have frightening, unpredictable rages that make no logical sense-or have trouble expressing anger at all.
* Physically abuse others, such as slapping, kicking, and scratching them.
* Needlessly create crises or live a chaotic lifestyle.
* Act inconsistently or unpredictably.
* Alternately want to be close to others, then distance themselves.
* Cut people out of their life over issues that seem trivial or overblown.
* Act competent and controlled in some situations but extremely out of control in others.
* Verbally abuse others, criticizing and blaming them to a point where it undermines the other person's confidence in themselves.
* Act in what seems like extreme or controlling ways to get their own needs met.
* Accuse others of doing things they did not do, having feelings they do not feel, or believing things they do not believe.

Borderline Subtypes

Researchers have been struggling to describe the different ways BPD manifests itself for decades. So far, though, there seems to be no official consensus . The quotes at the beginning of this post reflect this struggle.

It's like of the oft-told tale about the blind men seeking to describe an elephant by touching just one part. According to the story, The blind man who feels a leg says the elephant is like a pillar. The one who feels the tail says the elephant is like a rope; the one who feels the trunk says the elephant is like a tree branch; and the one who feels the ear says the elephant is like a hand fan.

The story is used to indicate that reality may be viewed differently depending upon one's perspective. In a way, they are all right. And in a way, they are all wrong.

One person says, "Those of us who have suffered at the hands of someone with BPD know first hand if there is a fraction of empathy in someone with BPD that it is at a level so small that it can't be measured."

Someone who disagrees counters, "In my experience, the person I know with BP has TOO MUCH empathy and reflects too much about how others are feeling and can not deal with the overpowering emotions it brings out in her."

Professionals, too, are touching elephants. A clinician in an emergency department caring for suicidal and self-harming BPs is convinced that all BPs are looking for help. A man divorcing his borderline wife turns to folks in similar circumstances in online communities and is just as convinced that all BPs lie in court.

Borderline Disorder From High Altitudes

In the 15 years I've spent writing about BPD, I have had a unique viewpoint as a passenger in a helicopter high enough to see not only the entire elephant, but the short-sighted people with their hand on just one part sharing their findings to others. The people fall mostly into two group: those in the mental health field who interact with BPs part time under specific conditions, and family members who live with the borderline loved ones 24/7.

Randi Kreger is the owner of BPDCentral.com and the Welcome to Oz online family community. You can find her books "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder," "The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook," "Stop Walking on Eggshells," and "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist," at her store at BPDCentral.com.

Submitted by Divorcing wife of a Bipolar 1 and BPD man on May 30, 2015 - 3:10am

We have known for at least 6 years that he is a rapid bipolar or bipolar 1, but his BPD diagnosis makes a lot of sense too. The problem with his type of bipolar and BPD is that they have a lot of crossover. It is extremely confusing and taxing. I am wondering if you are talking about bipolar 2's in your comment.

Growing up i always thought that my mom was this angry and selfish person. Her love for us has always been conditional, only when we met her needs did i feel like she loved us. I always lived trying to meet up to her expectations but they were never attainable. My siblings and have this fake relationship with her because we are always afraid of her angry outbursts. I guess its just easier, but im realizing now that by keeping secrets i am only contributing.I am so glad relieved to find out that my mom has this disorder because it allows me to be more compassionate and patient.

Randi, I want to thank you for your wonderful insights and the distinctions you make between higher functioning and lower functioning people with BPD. As the mother of a high functioning daughter who has BPD, I have been the target of her splitting for 2 years and have questioned my own sanity in all of this. She appears so in control and successful in her life from the outside and yet her difficult relationships and inability to have empathy or reason fractionalize her life on so many levels. So much of what I read seems to describe the lower functioning BP it is refreshing to be able to distinguish between the 2. I feel like I have been screaming underwater for so many years trying to get someone to understand that this is not just a teenager going through a "phase", but a child screaming for help. I believe that the lack of concern by family members and some professionals has much to do with how high functioning and academically successful she is. Thanks again for your wonderful work

When you have a high functioning adult sibling with this disorder - and relatives claim she's always such a nice person (to them of course)...and if she had a "problem" she wouldn't be able to hold a job... well, I can now give them the link to this article.

For me the article is a sanity saver – thanks for clarifying the range and different expressions of bpd.

As both the daughter of a fairly high functioning BP mother and not so high functioning BP son this information really took my breath away. My siblings and I have known for years the situation with my mother but it has just been more recent that I have made the connection with my 25 y/o son. I had thought for years that he was just depressed, anxious, overly sensitive, impulsive, selfish, histrionic etc... but as a mother it is just so hard to see the whole picture. I had realized about a year ago that my son's behavior makes me feel exactly the way my mother's behavior always has. (trapped, sad, angry, scared, anxious). I now know why. As a teen he was seen by therapists and a psychologist who had differing opinions. Everything makes better sense now. I have been in counseling myself and have learned coping stradegies and boundary setting. The sadness is the hardest part.

In a sense your distinctions suggest that the same disorder can can present rather differently in different socio-economic groups. That's a brilliant idea that helps me a lot as a clinician. I wonder how many other diagnostic types would benefit from understanding how socio-economic or cultural factors impact how the disorder looks? Narcissism especially probably merits a fresh look with this idea.

It's refreshing to finally see a clinician who is able to identify that socio-economic and cultural factors greatly impact how you assess for BPD and other diagnoses. I am a Borderline, middle-aged, minority woman who is quite successful and ((conversely?))not very histrionic or animated. After having seen a clinician, whom I contracted with in the very first visit to support me with my BPD traits and dealing with a BPD partner, I recognized that he consistently evaded the issue/dynamics of BPD altogether in session. After many months and a few attempts to revisit the issue, he acknowledged that he thought BPs were wonderful and better to date than nons where it related to my boyfriend. Huh??? I won't go on, but I will say that I have found zero culturally-competent clinicians who are able to treat this disorder in my state. Unfortunately, I believe my symptoms and trauma were exacerbated by this clinician's lack of candor surrounding his lack of experience with and knowledge of BPD as well as his lack of cultural competence. I feel I was inherently harmed by his methods..

The main responsibility of journalists is to do research with credible sources and report on what they find in an interesting, clear way while telling both sides of the story fairly. It takes talent and hard work to establish a reputation. I do not mind being called a journalist.

I want to thank you for providing this very useful information. I was in a very dark and painful place when I discovered your books and online resources. Ultimately, your book SWOE was refreshing, very articulate and insightful. As a BPD, it's difficult to accept & internalize the reality, shame and consequences of this disease. I can imagine that it's even more difficult for Nons to truly understand all the dynamics and conflicting features of the illness. Thus the criticism. As someone who has received substandard and very harmful clinical "support" surrounding this, it's my belief that creditials are absolutely irrelevant when isolating and making sense of the complex features of this thing called BPD. I have also dated a BPD and have insight into both aspects of BPD relationships. However, I will say that the shame surrounding internalizing the impact of your own behaviors, while being acutely affected by another BPDs behaviors is overwhelming and requires connecting with a clinical provider or other resource that possesses a distinct sense of observation and the intellect needed to pull it all together. Again, thank you for continuing to provide much-needed support and insight.

The main responsibility of journalists is to convey the truth, not to disparage and shame an entire group of people with a disorder and encourage hatred, stereotypes and stigmatizing of them.

Your writing is more about labeling, than educating and helping people to understand, or have even the tiniest bit of empathy for the real agony that we live with every day.

Haven't you made enough money at our expense yet? Why not try a new and different topic. Just because you had a bad experience with someone in your life that had BPD, don't make the rest of us pay for it.

According to the "symptoms" and behaviors here, this is true. Every teen in modern society has BDP. Or would, if that disorder existed. Which it doesn't.
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Funny how just a few years ago all of these same behaviors were symptoms either of ADD/ADHD (another make believe, money-making scheme) or bipolar disorder. Seems people have become less accepting of these 'major' disorders and less willing to simply medicate themselves into zombies in order to "treat" a little mood shift or some extra energy.
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So we go and make up something else. Something a little less dramatic. Something no one has heard of. And we give these people a label and call it a disorder. So now we can medicate this less intensive disorder without the stigma of the others. Still keeps the money pouring in, just without the bias attached to "major" disorders such as ADD.
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The trouble with these things is highlighted in the second post here. 'Anonymous' speaks of a mother who did not seem to love children, who exploded in angry outbursts. They struggled to deal with this.
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But now...oh now she has this conveniently discovered disorder and these things are suddenly alright? Now we accept her moody behavior, her instability and her poor relationships with her children? Because she has a label?
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Wake up America. The modern psychologist does not care about you; they do not care about the genuine roots of your problems, the causes of your issues. They care about the labels they can make you wear and the cost of the corresponding medications associated with eliminating the feelings related to those labels.
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You are not a patient. You are a disorder. Disorders can be categorized and medicated and can make doctors large sums of money. People cannot do this. People need hours per week of attention, concern, conversation and exploration to fix the root causes of problems.
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Disorders just need a pill.

Once we admit that every individual is different and unique, then it becomes difficult to say that there is a typical or normal individual. Consequently, every person is, in some sense, a behavioural deviation from every other person, by definition. Thus, if we were to continue the "discovery" trend of many psychologists ad absurdum, we would eventually end up with a "disorder" that described each individual person in the population, because every person is not of exactly the same mental "order" as anyone else.

Where do we draw the line between normal (whatever that means) and disorder? Take one look at the size of the DSM-IV and you will know that we should not be giving any crayons to a large number of psychiatrists and psychologists.

We must keep in mind that academics in any field gain credit and notoriety for inventing or discovering new phenomena. In clinical psychology, these "new" phenomena are often just characterizations of widespread--relatively speaking--behaviours. (And often very loose characterizations at that.)

There is no problem with psychologists inventing all the names they want for different types of behaviours. However, the public perceives these declarations as scientifically valid when they are far from it. Many of these disorders may, unfortunately, only exist in the minds of their creators. Don't believe me? Open the DSM-IV and read through. Please, read through.

You are correct in many of your assertions - many people are being misdiagnosed with BPD as was the case with ADHD, ADD and Bipolar disease. Further, it's clear that the medical community has been irresponsible at best in hyper-pharmacology, once again. However, a specific subset of people (including me) are truly suffering with this disease. The dynamics in combination and subsequent pain and contradicting features are unlike any other diagnosis. I don't expect someone who has not truly experienced this disease to be able to fully internalize the features, but please keep an open mind. I believe that Randi is providing a much-needed service. I believe that education and insight from non-clinical supports is far superior to conventional clinical/psychiatric support and psychopharmacological solutions. "Down with meds, up with information and support", is my motto...

You're right in that adolescents have many of these behaviors at this age. That is why until very recently, a PD couldn't be diagnosed to people under age 18. For more information, see B..P..D.. in Adolescents by Blaise Aguirre.

Hi Jason,
I would like to know if you are a psychologist. What are your qualifications for making statements like this? It sounds like you are a teenager yourself. Did you know that psychologist cannot prescribe medications. You said, "They care about the labels they can make you wear and the cost of the corresponding medications associated with eliminating the feelings related to those labels." Where did you come up with this thing about people with BPD taking Medications? It is not advisable for people with BPD to take any medication for it and Psychologists cannot issue them.

I would like to know how many psychologists you know personally to say that they do not care about their patients. The psychologists I know do not make large sums of money. Yes some do but most of them do not.

Just to let you know all persons will do some of the
BPD symptoms from time to time. What makes this disorder is the frequency and intensity of the disorder and that harms themselves and others when they do them. How many teenagers do you know that cuts themselves frequently?

I think that you need to do some growing up before you come into forums and make statements like this. It makes you look very bad. I suggest you read the book first and talk to a psychologists about this subject. Getting your facts together is part of growing up and it not too late to start for you. If you have this label, then never mind.

I was diagnosed with BPD when I was eighteen. I don't feel that I have it anymore or maybe I have just become very good at controlling my emotion's and behaviors.
I went through a really bad stage in my life around that age. I didn't care what other's thought of me or even acknowledged they cared at all. I couldn't "organize" my thought's which is something I still struggle with. I would sometime's feel like everyone hated me or was mad at me, even people I didn't know. Whenever I would get mad I felt as though there was a fuse inside that would just blow and I would have black out's of rage but could still remember most of my tantrum. Also, I would take action's that I knew would have bad consequence's but I just didn't care.
It was extremely difficult for me. I also suffered from extreme anxiety and manic depression, both I still struggle with. I asume anxiety will be a lifelong problem for me, but my depression is not as much of a problem as it used to be.
I feel bad for my parent's the most because they really had to deal with my behavoir on a daily basis. Luckily I have mentally helped myself by analyzing my thought's, behavoir, and consequence's and I feel I have recovered.

I just ended a relationship with a bpd..after readng this article though(along with many others on bpd) i cnt help but feel bad. Like maybe i should help? oris that the bpd charm? I fal under npd and have many similarities with bpd so i can empathize with some of tose emotions and they are extremely painful and i wish someone was there for me as i was growing up. That being said i am concidering reaching out to my ex...not necessarily pursue a sexual relationship but maybe hep in some way? Or sould i just be glad i got away and pursue som healthy rlationships? I guess i am so conflicted w/this decision because like i said i do struggle from npd and i wouldntwant someone to just leave me....... anyone can advise??

Your story is almost identical to the dilemma I am currently facing. I too struggle with BPD and recently ended a relationship with a BPD male. I have consistently struggled with feelings of empathy because I, too, would have wanted someone to be there for me when I was experiencing the ACUTE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL PAIN and other consequences of this disease. When you peruse articles & books such as Randi's, you ultimately begin to feel a lot of empathy and a desire to help. But, when viewing other online sites such as "gettinbetter.com" with Shari Shriebner, you start to believe that BPs are throw-aways and ultimately not worth the effort, almost like lepers who are worthless and somehow will contaminate your emotional space. So, it's very difficult to distinguish how YOU truly feel about them, having been in their shoes, but also having fallen victim to the dynamics of their BPD traits. I truly wish that I could start a support group in my area for people who have experienced this as the effects are so DISTINCTLY DIFFERENT from any other disease - only someone who's dated a BPD and, in my opinion, is a BPD or NPD can truly understand the dynamics, the confusion, the anxiety, abdominal/emotional pain, the shame, embarassment, loss of love & friendships, career disruptions and other consequences of this disease. The only advice or caution I would give you is to try very hard to assess how YOU truly feel - take the helpful information Randi provides and utilize the tools to heal yourself. Conversely, while I don't agree with the material on the "gettinbetter" site, I do believe that Shari is right in cautioning you to protect yourself from the emotional harm you will ultimately experience when dating a BPD person. Right now I'm feeling better and healing, but interestingly enough, the better I feel, the more empathetic I feel toward him and the more I want to share my new-found tools & understanding with him. So far, I've refrained from doing so, but we'll see where it goes from here... Hope that was helpful.

Thanks for the advice. Yes I am just now struggling with this. Coincidently, I am now over him(we are a gay couple) and now I want to help him or atleast just be there for him. We have broken up before and it is,now that I am over the crazyness do these articles make me want to reach out. This such a difficult thing for me. Specially since I am npd and in helping him im sure his,dependency me will make me fall for him again. My desire to support him are both selfless and selfish at the same time. Not only do I know the pain of being alone and how,psysicly painful it is but Ive seen him have bpd breakdowns before and theyre soo hard to watch let alone endure...

Good luck with your healing process. It's good to see that you are on the right path. I would just caution you to take care of yourself, no matter what you decide as far as continuing or ending your connection with him. Other great resources for support with BPD are Tammi Green, who encourages Mindfulness as a technique for coping, and AJ Mahari, a life coach. Both are on You Tube and have written material on the subject of BPD. However, I think Tami's e-books, which I downloaded, were very helpful. Check them both out when you have time. Hopefully, you'll find them helpful. :-)

Sheri writes from the perspective of family members and loved ones - and she is absolutely right, however harsh she may sound. She does recognize the trauma that most BPDs have experienced in the past (in fact, she has suffered from a very harsh parenting herself), but the point she makes is that you cannot help these people by being in a dysfunctional relationship with them. Her advice is hard to follow - I think it's a normal human instinct to try to help those in need. But it's the advice we need to take, otherwise we will suffer ourselves - this much is guaranteed. The best gift you can give your ex is to leave and stay away... then maybe he will recognize that he needs help. Hopefully, with your newfound knowledge you can find a functional relationship with a healthy partner. Refrain... protect yourself... best of luck to you.

My wife was diagnosed with BPD after carrying around childhood traumas and molestation by her brother, and carrying them around for decades. They always ate away at her somewhere under the surface, and the first time I saw her being wheeled out of our house on a gurney after attempting suicide, my first reaction was akin to "it's about damned time". She was going to have to finally confront her demons.
She was actually diagnosed after several attempts and several hospitalizations. She had been seeing a psychiatrist through Kaiser Permanente who looked no farther than a diagnosis of depression. Her therapist was too inexperienced to see anything other than what the psychiatrist told her to see.
Over the years I have seen significant improvement in her thought patterns, her emotions and her behaviors, but it was only after she was accurately diagnosed.
The "pornography" analogy is perfect. I have heard that the DSM-V is actually going to rename the illness which will lift quite a load from the shoulders of those already carrying the illness. The term "borderline" has too frightening a connotation to it, and I believe it miight scare as many therapists as it does the lay population.
Even while her suffering was peaking, my wife was still an active, compassionate, dedicated teacher who was able to put her children's needs in front of her own, whose classroom was full of love and acceptance and nurturing.
The pain she inflicted was upon herself, ultimately, but I did spend years feeling the backlash and fallout.
Thanks in great part to Randi for helping me understand and fight with my wife instead of against her.

Stories like this one are so critical to exposing the many contradictory features of this disease. I, too, was functioning, loving and suffering all at the same time. Your wife is so lucky to have your support & love. I love that you're able to "understand and fight with (your) wife instead of against her". Wish more people could take that approach. You're an awesome support to her.

I've acknowledged these things about myself and feel it's only fair to be able to apply them to other folks:
1) my diagnosis is Chronic Depression, Anxiety and ADD. These illnesses do not define me, they only help to explain me;
2) hard as it is to even consider, I might be just two or three strands of DNA away from Charlie Manson.
And I'll tell you what: I've spent sixty years getting this batcrap crazy to give it up without a fight. I can't expect someone else to just "get over it".

I've only just learned of this a week ago and it's already radically changed the way I see my world. My mother is an overwhelming match for almost everything I read on this topic. I'm in the process of gathering info and making sense of what to do next. The relief of giving my torture a name and validating what I always suspected was immeasurable. My thanks to anyone who spreads awareness of this as I think it may be the most valuable knowledge I've ever gained. It took me 30+ years to figure this out, but I now have real hope for the next 30. Thanks.

The first step is always the longest, the highest, the hardest. It makes you stronger.
And once you've given a name to your "torture", it can be incredibly liberating to give yourself a name. Even just your first name. A childhood nickname. Maybe the name you always wish you had. "Anonymous" is just another way to say "statistic".
It's not like anyone will be able to pick you out of a line-up or recognize you on the street from the insights you share here, but it is one giant step in telling the world "This is who I am, this is how I am. You got a problem with that?"
There's a lot more of us wingnuts out here than you might think that don't have a problem with it.

My adult daughter has recently been diagnosed with BPD. She will be going to a treatment center soon for alcohol and substance abuse associated with BPD. How do I help? She is married, with 3 children. I have guilty thoughts running through my mind, I should have done this or that. Will the book, I hate you...don't leave me address these issues? I have ordered the book.

My adult daughter has recently been diagnosed with BPD. She will be going to a treatment center soon for alcohol and substance abuse associated with BPD. How do I help? She is married, with 3 children. I have guilty thoughts running through my mind, I should have done this or that. Will the book, I hate you...don't leave me address these issues? I have ordered the book.

I hope you have been able to step in and help your grandchildren by being the calm, emotionally stable, predictable, reliable, safe, loving, empathetic parent that every child needs in order to grow up emotionally healthy.

Randi has in my opinion accurately described the different ways that borderline personality disorder traits can manifest; the "blind men describing an elephant" analogy is really applicable.

But my opinion is that whether the parent with bpd is low-functioning and self-harming, or high-functioning and directs blame and other harmful behaviors outward... EITHER set of behaviors can have a devastatingly negative impact on children.

Children are not equipped to cope well with chaos, especially if the chaos is generated by their own parent; a child will be forced to adopt very unhealthy coping mechanisms to survive being dependent on a parent who is moderately to severely impacted by the unstable emotional states, cognitive distortions, suicidality, high impulsivity, rage issues, black-and-white thinking, and high drama that characterizes bpd behaviors.

But I've read that if even ONE relatively mentally healthy adult is present in the child's life, an adult who can effectively mirror the child's feelings, effectively role-model healthy behaviors, effectively reassure the child that the child isn't bad, or defective, or causing her parent to behave like that, an adult that the child can safely trust, and who is actually THERE and accesible to the child... then that child has a better chance of overcoming the worst of the emotional damage.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have run as fast and far away from my BPD-ex as possible. Long before the marriage!

I got married to all the magical behaviors that a person with BPD exhibits and pretends to be. I chalked up our disagreements to my "inability to properly communicate" (which had been 'diagnosed' as my problem by my BPD partner) and their relational/emotional baggage from their (self-described) abusive ex and family.

Lo and behold, and little did I know, that I was the BPD's new target and that no amount of "communication counseling" was going to fix the relationship. Our volatile marriage lasted a little over a year: they left over 1/2 dozen times, physically assaulted me, broke things, threatened suicide over simply disagreements, drank heavily, and continued to verbally assault & stalk me until well after the date of separation. I did not realize what I was dealing with and continued to communicate with them about the relationship. No contact was the only way to communicate with my ex, but I did not know that at the time.

The time since the separation has been almost as bad as when I was together with them, except my sanity has returned, I am physically safe and I now know the cause of the instability. Since the separation, my BPD's goal in life has been to punish me for not chasing and taking them back. They admitted (to a witness and in court documents) that they left to show me how I couldn't survive without them and my refusal to take them back was the 'ultimate betrayal' and therefore I needed to be punished.

So, I've been in litigation with them for longer than the marriage lasted; a Federal suit (still pending), two State suits (one dismissed, one pending dismissal), several criminal investigations and charges (dismissed or resolved as unfounded), etc. Wastes of time and money trying to mediate out of court. I'm now dealing with the BPD's 12th or 13th attorney (they usually can only handle the case for about a month)...and the never ending thoughts that there is another scheme somewhere down the pipe waiting for me.

And now I wonder, were all the things they said about other people (their family members, their friends and family, my friends and family, & their ex spouse, etc) solely said to gain my compassion and sympathy and just made up as well?! I used to think it was NPD, but BPD explains it all...not just a part of this experience. And also explains why they exploded when I suggested counseling for them.

So, here is an update. The original was posted back in June 13, in what I thought was the ending days of the ridiculousness, but turned out to be in the middle'ish.

So, after a total of 16 lawyers...six different lawsuits filed/threatened....two years after the separation....a year after the divorce...things have been quiet for about five months. All the lawsuits were dismissed and no new lawsuits filed, no new lawyer letters or threats, friends came back around (many were threatened with lawsuits simply for being around during the marriage and separation).

How did it finally end? I don't really know for sure, but I know my ex moved far away and now has a new person to occupy their space.

My life is returning to normal. I'm back to living with less stress, eating right and enjoying life rather than wondering when (not if) the next attack is going to happen. And I'm much more open and forthright with people about taking the time for them to seek help for themselves or their significant others. It was a learning experience I would rather not repeat, but a valuable learning experience for sure.

I worked with someone who had been diagnosed with this. I would classify her as a "Combo BP." The tiniest things would send her into a depression where she would discuss killing herself. She was dramatic about everything and would yell and talk about beating someone up over something trivial and meaningless. I always found it amusing because she never told the same thing twice and she had a story for everything. She has been to a psychologist before and been diagnosed. Every single thing I saw on this article applied to her at some point or another. I found this post very interesting and definitely identified with the behavioral section as I worked with a person who exhibited all of those actions for a year. This article did help to expand my understanding over the detail and intricate complexities that are involved in the diagnoses and understanding of BPD.

This article I thought explained Borderline Personality Disorder pretty well. I liked the section of the subtypes and the analogy that was presented. When it is related to the blind men touching the elephant and only getting part of the whole picture. This is interesting that clinicians are doing this with these type of people because that means there are so many things that are still yet to be discovered.

I was feeling extremely spacey for 2 days earlier in the work week and started to realize that I do strange things that my co-workers don't do. I jump, skip, sing, and otherwise act like a child when no one is looking because it's fun and work is stressful. When I realized this, I started to question my partner and mother. Was I weird? More than weird? And so self-absorbed that I'd never realized it before? Other adults don't think it's fun to act like children? Why not? Would I grow out of this? I'm 25 and throw fits and sleep with a stuffed animal. When I looked up 'child-like behavior in adults' I immediately came to BPD and the extreme mood swings. I have irrational arguments with my partner a lot. Usually I'm angry and he's resilient. Later I apologize profusely for saying things I didn't mean and shouldn't have said. Apparently he's suspected I have BPD since a month into the relationship. I had no idea, but the more I read about it, the more it sounds exactly like me. I'm the high-functioning, highly successful type, but the child-like behavior and intense emotions have very much affected my personal relationships. Now we are getting married and I'm concerned about my partner long-term. I am not interested in being diagnosed because I don't want anything about my mental health on file (and I don't believe any of our medical records are truly 100% private and secure). I am also very concerned about having children. I've always wanted children, but now that I realize the extent to which my extreme emotions affect those around me, I'm not sure it's really fair to bring children into that. Can you really have BPD and a happy marriage and be a normal, loving parent? Also now that I realize I have BPD, I'm extremely paranoid about what 'looks normal'. I'm worried I'll develop depression from trying to keep this hidden...

Hi Anonymous.
Mind if I call you "Annie"?
Just a bit more personal that way, because you are, after all, a person, not a label. Or a diagnosis. Or a description.
I'm blonde with blue eyes. Just kind of worked out that way. Genetics and all. I have a few allergies, a bad back, a thirty-two inch waste, Chronic Depression, Anxiety Disorder and ADD. I stayed stumbling drunk for eight years in my early twenties, haven't drank since May 8, 1978. And not that it has anything to do with it, but I'm 63 going on Adolescence.
Used to live in Colorado, moved out here with my wife and our two kids when I was 28. The older I got, the lighter blonde my hair became. Found out I was allergic to the mold from different types of trees and cat dander. When we were in Colorado, we lived in a house with three cats, two dogs, 8500 feet up in the Rockies surrounded by two-hundred acres of conifers and Blue Spruce evergreens.
My wife figured my hair got lighter 'cause I spent more time outside here in sunny Californicate, and in our neck of the woods here peat dust is notorious for setting off people's latent allergies.
So... people are born with certain predispositions of all sorts. Like blonde. Like the way your mind is wired. And then environmental factors slide into the equation and it's anybody's guess where you go from there. I can't change the fact that I'm blonde by nature. If I moved someplace else where I didn't spend as much time in the sum, it would likely go back to its former dark blonde. I'd rather not be in Cal, but that's not a reason to leave this environment. If my hair were starting to fall out because of the air out here, I'd be back out in Colorado quicker than you can say "Rogaine".
Now I have to take Claritin each day for a few weeks out of the year. BFD. I can still walk through the Sierras and rub my face in our cat's fur and our dog's coat.
There are empirical, scientific, valid reasons your mind works the way it does. Genetic and environmental. In your blood and in your experiences. You have less control over those factors than many people might think we do. I do not feel embarrassed by my allergies or my eighteen-inch platinum blonde locks. Why should I? Why would I?
Why should / would I feel any differently about my Depression or Anxiety or ADD? I speak openly about them with people I know. Those problems don't define me or identify me, they're just a reference point regarding some of my behaviors. My ADD actually HELPED me in certain respects at work (in the legal field) because sometimes the "shiny little things" people would kid or tease or belittle me over turned out to be the needle in a haystack that would break a case wide open. I would see things and make connections nobody else could.
People with BPD are often more sensitive than most to other peoples moods or "vibes", which at times can be helpful.
Where the hell were you when I was working stressful days? Could have used you dancing around and giggling and singing. You would have been a godsend, Annie. I got my "yee-ha's" out by saying some of the most outrageous things others were afraid to even think. Not hateful, but not always entirely jovial either. Sometimes agonizingly cynical, but somehow entertaining nonetheless. People knew I was "that way", accepted it, and by acknowledging some of the reasons for that myself, it left them with nothing to say.
First off: websites are a good place to look NOT for answers but for the questions you need to ask an expert. No matter what your partner thought after one month (unless they are an educated, experienced therapist) or no laundry list of symptoms or behaviors or quirks should have your mind set on a diagnosis. There are compassionate professionals for that, and they've all heard far uglier stories than anything you can tell them.
Find one of them. Therapy and medication can work, can help.
Mental illness (go ahead - say it out loud, it's alright) is not something one can "control", but with help they can manage it. They can live with it and they can do so successfully and prosperously and happily, and they can do it with someone special at their side.
Don't try to hide it or run from it, because if it really is there, it's gonna find your ass when you least expect it.
And if people think poorly of you because of it, that's their problem, not yours. Their opinion of you don't amount to squat.

And please, PLEASE don't ever settle for being "normal".
And don't stop skipping and singing and jumping when the urge hits. To do so is to remain childlike when you need to be.
To frown upon it is to be childish when you don't.

Hi Anonymous.
Mind if I call you "Annie"?
Just a bit more personal that way, because you are, after all, a person, not a label. Or a diagnosis. Or a description.
I'm blonde with blue eyes. Just kind of worked out that way. Genetics and all. I have a few allergies, a bad back, a thirty-two inch waste, Chronic Depression, Anxiety Disorder and ADD. I stayed stumbling drunk for eight years in my early twenties, haven't drank since May 8, 1978. And not that it has anything to do with it, but I'm 63 going on Adolescence.
Used to live in Colorado, moved out here with my wife and our two kids when I was 28. The older I got, the lighter blonde my hair became. Found out I was allergic to the mold from different types of trees and cat dander. When we were in Colorado, we lived in a house with three cats, two dogs, 8500 feet up in the Rockies surrounded by two-hundred acres of conifers and Blue Spruce evergreens.
My wife figured my hair got lighter 'cause I spent more time outside here in sunny Californicate, and in our neck of the woods here peat dust is notorious for setting off people's latent allergies.
So... people are born with certain predispositions of all sorts. Like blonde. Like the way your mind is wired. And then environmental factors slide into the equation and it's anybody's guess where you go from there. I can't change the fact that I'm blonde by nature. If I moved someplace else where I didn't spend as much time in the sum, it would likely go back to its former dark blonde. I'd rather not be in Cal, but that's not a reason to leave this environment. If my hair were starting to fall out because of the air out here, I'd be back out in Colorado quicker than you can say "Rogaine".
Now I have to take Claritin each day for a few weeks out of the year. BFD. I can still walk through the Sierras and rub my face in our cat's fur and our dog's coat.
There are empirical, scientific, valid reasons your mind works the way it does. Genetic and environmental. In your blood and in your experiences. You have less control over those factors than many people might think we do. I do not feel embarrassed by my allergies or my eighteen-inch platinum blonde locks. Why should I? Why would I?
Why should / would I feel any differently about my Depression or Anxiety or ADD? I speak openly about them with people I know. Those problems don't define me or identify me, they're just a reference point regarding some of my behaviors. My ADD actually HELPED me in certain respects at work (in the legal field) because sometimes the "shiny little things" people would kid or tease or belittle me over turned out to be the needle in a haystack that would break a case wide open. I would see things and make connections nobody else could.
People with BPD are often more sensitive than most to other peoples moods or "vibes", which at times can be helpful.
Where the hell were you when I was working stressful days? Could have used you dancing around and giggling and singing. You would have been a godsend, Annie. I got my "yee-ha's" out by saying some of the most outrageous things others were afraid to even think. Not hateful, but not always entirely jovial either. Sometimes agonizingly cynical, but somehow entertaining nonetheless. People knew I was "that way", accepted it, and by acknowledging some of the reasons for that myself, it left them with nothing to say.
First off: websites are a good place to look NOT for answers but for the questions you need to ask an expert. No matter what your partner thought after one month (unless they are an educated, experienced therapist) or no laundry list of symptoms or behaviors or quirks should have your mind set on a diagnosis. There are compassionate professionals for that, and they've all heard far uglier stories than anything you can tell them.
Find one of them. Therapy and medication can work, can help.
Mental illness (go ahead - say it out loud, it's alright) is not something one can "control", but with help they can manage it. They can live with it and they can do so successfully and prosperously and happily, and they can do it with someone special at their side.
Don't try to hide it or run from it, because if it really is there, it's gonna find your ass when you least expect it.
And if people think poorly of you because of it, that's their problem, not yours. Their opinion of you don't amount to squat.

And please, PLEASE don't ever settle for being "normal".
And don't stop skipping and singing and jumping when the urge hits. To do so is to remain childlike when you need to be.
To frown upon it is to be childish when you don't.

I agree with this post 100 percent. Couldn't have said it better myself!

Why is it when someone is in therapy with BPD, that the therapist keeps the person with BPD from knowing they have it? It seems that a lot of people who have it and know they have seem to except it and it helps them, so why keep it from them. Don’t they move on more quickly in their recovery from BPD? There are even those that cure themselves from this disorder. Could somebody explain this to me? Thanks!
It was a great article from Randi on this subject and she does such a good job of explaining it to us that don’t have a degree in this. However it raises so many new questions for me. I am living with someone with this and I am trying so hard to understand. Especial when they want to go out and have sex with strangers. What is that? I am more than a good lover and try my best to please her and I do so why would she go out and have disappointing sex with a stranger and then beat herself up for it only to do it again? She says she is surprised that she did it every time. I would like to know more about this impulsive sex thing.

My middle son fits the "high functioning" BPD to a T. We have felt like we must "walk on eggshells" around him for years. His anger is explosive and I have actually been afraid to leave him alone with his younger sister at times. Everything is always someone else's fault. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a true disorder, as my other two children (one quite a bit older) are nothing like this. It is a very lonely feeling.

My middle son fits the "high functioning" BPD to a T. We have felt like we must "walk on eggshells" around him for years. His anger is explosive and I have actually been afraid to leave him alone with his younger sister at times. Everything is always someone else's fault. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a true disorder, as my other two children (one quite a bit older) are nothing like this. It is a very lonely feeling.

I find your examples of the two extremes to some symptoms to fit this disorder very well. Someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder has a black or white view of the world, and would therefore experience these symptoms in the two extremes. This is especially apparent in their tendency to idealize or devalue those around them. Those suffering from BPD will either want extreme closeness or distance.