I’ve never had particularly good timing. I’m the guy that misses the touchdown because I’m off opening another bag of awkwardly shaped and titled Tostitos “Scoops.” I’m the guy that is perpetually one minute late — or, as I like to call it, 59 minutes early — for the hourly train. I’m the guy that showed up at my 8th grade dance rocking a Sonny Crockett white Miami Vice suit…about 10 months after that ceased being even remotely cool. So timing is not necessarily my thing. But let me tell you, Brad Culpepper’s timing absolutely sucks. SUCKS! And, not unlike that time I decided to dress like Tubbs’ partner, he has no one to blame but himself.

Brad Culpepper thought he would be cagey and sly by slitting the throat of alliance-mate John. This was idiocy, pure and simple, for two reasons. First off, getting rid of a solid alliance member just because you are worried about the slim chance that his wife may make it back into the game makes absolutely zero sense. Plus, what if she made it back in the game and became another solid alliance partner? What’s the reasoning there? But that was not as egregious as the second reason: When you backstab an alliance partner this early in the game, all that does is make other people in your alliance not trust you. You automatically make yourself a target. Now don’t get me wrong — I’m not saying there is not a time to get rid of people in your alliance. But this was most certainly not it, which is where timing comes in. WAY TOO EARLY!!!

Apparently, Brad Culpepper suffers from a mutant strain of Coltonitis. Symptoms of Coltonitis include obsessive flossing of one’s teeth and the desire to make moves just for the sake of making moves, even if they are completely ridiculous — like, say, convincing your entire tribe to go to Tribal Council even when they won a challenge, or ousting one of your best buddies a few days in, making yourself appear to be completely untrustworthy.

So what is the result? Well, now the other members of the Sausage Party alliance are all worried about “getting Johnned” and Caleb is especially nervous that he’s next on the chopping block. So Caleb hijacks Tribal Council. He looks over the defense and decides to call an audible at the line of scrimmage (I’m using as many football analogies as possible so Brad can fully comprehend where his strategy went oh so wrong), and says he’s voting BC out and everybody should join him. Next thing we know, Brad’s making like Tony Romo after another knucklehead last minute blunder — wondering how it all went wrong as he watches his torch get snuffed.

Amazing. To be clear, this pretty much never happens at Tribal Council. 99.99% of the time minds are completely made up before the tribe leaves the beach, with the only surprise coming if someone uses a hidden immunity idol. Votes don’t often change once they sit on the stump. As I mentioned before the season stated, I knew there was something I liked about Caleb. Instead of sitting back and letting the game dictate what happened to him, he spoke up and single-handedly engineered a huge ouster. And it was positively delicious to watch. Okay, let’s get into this episode and recap this sucker from the very top.