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Thursday, January 3, 2013

Cats Rule, Dogs Drool - as Told by The Cat

I thought all of you two legs might want to hear about that little punk who tried to take over my territory.

First of all, my two leg mama crooned to it like it was something special. At first I thought it couldn't walk because they never put it down, and I was ok with that. But then they brought it outside, put it down, and let it mark my territory! I was livid, but I played it cool until I could get closer to it. Finally, I had my chance when they were all on the deck and I casually sauntered over to it. The little fool looked excited to see me, so I pretended to want to touch noses with it. All of the two legs relaxed and I seized the moment to teach it a lesson it would never forget. I slashed twice before the yelling started. Confused, I jumped off the deck and tried to figure out what went wrong. Surely my two legs understood that no one else is allowed to mark my territory! My favorite two leg, who feeds me, pets me, and lets me sit in her lap even made that loud, annoying sound that means she didn't like what I did. Worst of all, I missed the little varmit. She didn't have a scratch on her. In fact, she thought I was playing with her and ran to me every time we were both outside. Well! I wasn't going to be yelled at again for protecting my territory so I ran from her every time she got near me. Somehow she got the idea from that that she was better than me. Not for long, I vowed.

After that, the two legs never let us down together. They were either holding her, or me. They all talked to that little white fur ball in a funny voice and called her Tali. I concluded by that that Tali was brain damaged, and decided to use that to my advantage.

First, I rubbed on all her toys until they reeked of me. Then I took her bed. It was a little small, but I managed to get most of me in it.

And she was helpless to do anything but watch.

Bwahahahaha!
Later, the little brat got on my blankies. I didn't like that but if I struggled to get down, I was put outside, so I just gritted my teeth and plotted my revenge.

The next time I was put down, I ate her food and drank her water. Blech! It tasted like cardboard. But I choked it down and made her watch. Then I looked at her and smirked because she wasn't allowed to eat my delicious shrimp and salmon, or the same food the two legs ate. They all hand fed me that food, and it was good! I hunched over that food and ate it as slowly and noisily as I could so she would know that I was special and she was not.
The next day, Tali was left alone with my two legs and they built a tunnel out of boxes in the big empty room that I'm not allowed to go into.

I thought the tunnel was for me, but then they put that puppy in it. She didn't know what to do, being brain damaged and all. She kept trying to climb out in the middle, and they had to put more boxes around it so she couldn't get out. So when my two legs finally gave up and held her, I ran into the tunnel.

It was great fun, dark and quiet, with turns and steps up and down. Best of all, it went all the way through the room I'm not allowed into. It was like a shortcut into the room with the comfy chairs. But my two legs kept grabbing me when I came out of the tunnel and headed for the chairs. I don't understand that. Wasn't that what the the tunnel was for?
After I demonstrated the tunnel a few times, Tali finally caught on. But she didn't enjoy the tunnel as much as I did. She raced through it as fast as she could and wondered why she kept being brought back to the kitchen. She never did figure out she could have as much private time as she wanted in there. Stupid dog.

After a few days of this, Tali couldn't take it anymore and her two legs packed her and all her stuff into a little carrier. I know that carriers mean going to the vet and that is a bad, bad thing. At first I celebrated because I made her go to the vet, but then she never came back, and I felt a little guilty. But just for a few minutes. I had my yard, my kitchen, and my two legs all to myself again. And that was good.

After Tali and her two legs left, the tunnel changed. Every time I ran into a box, I immediately ran into a dead end. Someone had closed the ends of all the boxes and then yelled at me again for being in that room. I don't understand that, but I'm sure the dog is to blame. I'm glad she's gone. I won!