Nihilist In Golf Pants

“I can remember way back when a liberal was one who was generous with his own money.”
- Will Rogers

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Die Spammers

I know that in some circles, we are considered neophytes for using Blogger. However, I must reiterate that this is a silly little hobby and I wouldn't get much credence as the cheapest SOB in the world if I spent good money on a silly little hobby.

Nevertheless, I think Blogger provides good service except for the comment spam that we occasionally get. Therefore, I just went into the settings and removed this blog from Blogger's listings. Hopefully that will cut down on the spam we have seen recently. Of course I failed to run this decision by Sisyphus, so he might reinstate us. After his Hughlanche of last week I am officially now his caddie.

While on that page, I noticed a big button titled "Delete This Blog." Wow! That seems pretty drastic. I obviously didn't push it. However, in the event someone accidentally does, I hope there is some sort of confirmation required before the zapping begins.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Top 11 Reasons Cheri Pierson Yecke Is Leaving Minnesota For Florida

11. Wanted to live in a red state10. Global warming not happening fast enough in Minnesota9. Mistakenly believed President Bush was offering her a job8. Heard a lot of good stuff about hurricanes7. Cuban kids English pronunciation less annoying than native Minnesotans6. Believes a solid educational system begins with quality collegiate football programs5. Feared losing congressional race to a homophobe4. Believed Nick Coleman's threat, "You'll never work in this town again!"3. Went to finish off "Suge" Knight2. She's a heavy smoker and wanted to escape Pawlenty's new "health impact fee"1. She knows the teachers unions will never allow serious educational reform in Minnesota

Monday, August 29, 2005

Hello, I'm the Nihilist In Golf Pants

One of the most common questions we get here at NIGP is why does the site use Blogger's default black template. So JB and I set out to explain why with a parody of the Johnny Cash Classic, "Man In Black." Enjoy:

Well you wonder why this site is set in blackWell for one, it's run by a bunch of hacksYet the posts always seem to have a cheerful toneWell there's a reason, just listen while I crow

It's in black so the poor are beaten downInstead of livin' on my dime out on the townIt's that way for the prisoners who have not paid for their crimeBut claim they are a victim of the times

It's in black for the able bodied who have never workedBut expect a handout and all the perksAnd then come to rely on government charityLaughing as they steal money from you and me

Well we're doin' mighty fine I do supposeBut the media says that the economy blowsBecause reporting news became a partisan attack,Out front our "truth to power" web site is black

It's black for the golfers who are rich and oldWhose servants bring hors d'oeuvres a bit too coldIt's set in black to mourn for the fetus lives that could have beenEach day we 'bort a hundred might-have-beens

And it's black for those whose taxes raisedForgo another cabin, yacht or maidIt's set in black for the Star Trib readers who have criedThat leftist hacks are always telling lies

Well there's things that are actually right I knowLike Nick Coleman losing his awful radio showBut till we can move this state a little further rightYou'll never see this site in background white

We could set the background rainbow colors tooBut I'd rather not be accosted in the looSo please take it for what it's worth from one partisan hackTill things are brighter, we're the site in black

Top 11 Suspects Responsible for Shooting of Marion "Suge" Knight

Death Row Records founder Marion "Suge" Knight was injured by a shooter at an MTV Video Music Awards after-party early Sunday morning in Miami. Knight was a controversial figure. Vanilla Ice claimed he threatened his life a decade ago. Relatives of Notorious B.I.G. (aka Big Baby Jesus) blamed Knight for his shooting death. Knight was close to Tupac Shakur, another rapper murdered about a decade ago. He also associated with Snoop Dogg, who had been accused of murder.

Here are the NIGP's top 11 suspects responsible for masterminding the shooting of "Suge" along with motives:

11. Muslim extremists (part of jihad against American culture)10. The CIA (according to source Oliver Stone)9. Jodie Foster (the shooter wanted to impress her)8. Tupac Shakur (after faking his own death)7. Luther Campbell (former singer of 2 Live Crew didn't want any West Coast rappers on his turf)6. Method Man (in retaliation for possible involvement in untimely death of Ol' Dirty Bastard)5. P. Diddy (in retaliation for death of Notorious BIG)4. Vanilla Ice (in retaliation for a savage beating)3. Snoop Dogg (could "Suge" have been skimming from him?)2. Notorious B.I.G.'s relatives (in retaliation for his death)1. Pat Robertson (hey, he called for the assassination of Hugo Chavez)

Friday, August 26, 2005

Top 11 Reasons James Lileks Wasn't Invited to JB Doubtless' Bachelor Party

The entire roster of bachelor party attendees provided this insight:

11. Unlikely he would have been able to find anyone to watch Gnat for the weekend10. No one weighing less than Atomizer allowed9. His cries of "Coasters, people, coasters!" quickly gets annoying8. Sunday was "Three column day"7. Lunchables not available in Northern Wisconsin6. Only willing to wear a lampshade if it's a vintage 1912 Dahlia Panel 8 Model5. Group wasn't in a mood to hear a lecture on the 1970's architecture and furnishing of our hotel4. He insisted on packing homemade sandwiches as a snack for the entire group3. The hotel already provided a maid2. He preferred antiquing to strip clubs1. Strippers think he's creepy

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Top 11 Things That Will Remain The Same At Nihilist In Golf Pants

In this post, Sisyphus lays out the changes you can expect at this site now that we have become part of the mainstream blogosphere. Let me be the first to assure you, most of the things that endear our old readers to us will remain in place, including:

11. Despite the fact that Sisyphus got the big time link, the name of this site will stay "Nihilist in Golf Pants." The Sisyphus in Golf Pants coup was an utter failure.10. More Top 11 lists, "A Touch of Class," classic rock and country song parodies and other lame benchmark bits9. Insightful Minnesota Vikings coverage8. Sisyphus and/or I will continue to be on the winning trivia team at Keegan's Irish Pub most weeks7. This blog will remain mostly satirical, although occasional attempts at serious punditry may spring up from time to time6. Other than using "my good friend" to describe other mainstream bloggers, we will mostly ridicule rather than suck up5. Unyielding hatred of Jimmy Carter and his anti-American actions4. Inside jokes that only a select few get, especially the mocking of JB Doubtless' pathetic attempts to grow facial hair3. Unrelenting ridicule of Nick Coleman and his crappy writing2. Breaking coverage of the OC and the Real World1. Sisyphus will continue to post funny items, while the Nihilist's posts will be mostly unfunny and venomous attacks

Monday, August 22, 2005

Top 11 Changes In Store For Nihilist In Golf Pants Now That We’re Playing With The Big Boys

Thanks to a link from our good friend, Hugh Hewitt, the traffic of this blog has gone through the roof. Over the last two days we’ve had more visits than Fraters Libertas and Shot in the Dark combined. I would like to say that success hasn’t changed us, but how could it not? We are now playing with the big boys of the Main Stream Blogosphere (MSB) and thus will have to make some changes befitting our new status. Here are the Top 11 planned changes:

11. So many pop-up ads you’ll think you’re at the Drudge Report.10. When we deign to link a local blogger we will refer to them, not by blog name or moniker, but by their full name. For example:Doug Williams exams a box of John Roberts documents and finds nothing much of interest.9. When we link a fellow MSB blog we will refer to them as our “good friend”:Our good friend Hugh Hewitt exams a box of John Roberts documents and finds nothing much of interest.8. When we won’t be blogging for a day or two we’ll give you plenty of advance notice so that you can arrange for a grief counselor.7. We will consider adding some graphics, but we’re not making any promises.6. The hated and envied trivia team that dominates Keegan’s Thursday Night Trivia will no longer be known as Fraters Libertas, but as Nihilist in Golf Pants.5. Watch for our news aggregator: Nihilist in Golf Pants News.4. The price of Sisyphus thongs has just doubled, no tripled.3. We will start blogging about Nanotechnology once we figure out what that is.2. It goes without saying that we will now ignore The Kool-Aid Report.1. Much more Gravitas.

Reporter’s Angels Update

Once again our readers have proven themselves the worst in the blogosphere. Yes, I’m talking about you.

It has been three weeks since I founded Reporter’s Angels in an effort to make life a little more comfortable for our intrepid reporters in Iraq. I am disappointed to announce that we have not received a single donation – not so much as a non-fat soy latte.

What is wrong with you people? I would expect this kind of ingratitude from the French, but our logs show we have no French readers. Show some compassion for those who are toiling to bring us all the bad news that’s fit to print without so much as a karaoke machine to croon away the off hours.

I would donate something myself, but my organizational skills are contribution enough. Now open up those checkbooks you selfish, greedy, ingrates.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Top 11 Debate Issues This Past Weekend

An elite group of friends of JB Doubtless met in northwest Wisconsin this week to Throw a bachelor party this weekend. Although I'm not at liberty to disclose the guest list, I will say that when such enormous intellects get together for a drink of fifty, there is a fast and furious debate on a wide range of subjects. Here are the top 11 issues that were debated in the lively weekend:

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Communiqué

TO: Vast Right Wing ConspiracyFROM: You Know WhoSUBJECT: Everything is going according to plan

My Dear Neocon Minions,Please, please, please, let’s all settle down now. Oh, ye of little faith. Of course, Mother Sheehan is one of my operations – and it’s going exactly as I planned. I knew it was only a matter of time before the moonbats co-opted the widow or mother of a dead soldier, so with the help of a patriotic Bush supporter named Cindy Sheehan, I made a preemptive strike.

The Roberts appointment is going so well I’m almost embarrassed to bring it up. More as a joke than anything, we’ve released everything in the White House archives that so much as has Roberts’ name on it. Heh heh heh heh and heh. That ought to keep the Post, Times, and Hugh Hewitt busy looking for another smoking gun as damaging as the time he recommended that Reagan not meet with Michael Jackson (hey Hugh, try reading my memos). Heh heh. Keep looking, maybe you’ll find the document where he advises Nicole Brown not to marry O.J. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.

I have a side bet with Cheney: 5000 shares of Halliburton says that I can get Durbin to denounce Roberts as a “Papist” during the confirmation hearings. Candy from a baby.

Our only potential problem is the Air America scandal – it is going too well. At this rate we will destroy Al Franken before he has the’08 Minnesota Senate nomination. Let’s tone this down a bit. I MUST HAVE A COLEMAN-FRANKEN SENATE MATCH UP. It will free up valuable resources for other races.

YOUR MARCHING ORDERS:More of the same.

Signed,K

P.S. Halliburton is now up over 35% in the second term. Oh, yes, heh heh heh.

Friday, August 19, 2005

I'm Trying To Stay Out Of This

Thanks Sisyphus and Learned Foot! Since you two have been reporting on Obnoxious Packer Guy’s (OPG) vigil outside the driveway of Packer’s defensive coordinator Bob Slowik’s driveway, I have been receiving misdirected e-mail meant for them. OPG blames Slowik for the death of the Packers Super Bowl hopes last year at the hands of the Minnesota Vikings.

A letter typical of those supporting OPG comes from a guy calling himself Packer Obsessed Obnoxious Fan (POOF):

OPG is right. The loss to the Vikings in the Playoffs was the wrong game in the wrong week against the wrong team. If Slowik had shown real leadership, the Packers would have won one more game, thus earning a bye in the first round of the playoffs. In their opening game, they would have likely played the Atlanta Falcolns, who attacked and destroyed the Packer’s 2002/2003 season in an unprovoked sneak attack led by Michael Vick. Why were the Packers distracted by the Vikings? We know the Vikings have no weapons of massive scoring. It's been almost a decade since they were a real offensive threat. Because of Slowik, the Packers lost an unnecessary game.

OPG is spitting on the grave of his beloved Vince Lombardi in this protest. Lombardi joined the Packers of his free will. He dedicated his life to serving them. If OPG really loves Lombardi, he wouldn’t badmouth the team the Lombardi loved (at least before he left for Washington).

I am not sure which side I agree with. All that I know for sure is that Packerland is now a divided state, separated into groups of POOFs and PIGs.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Rabid Packer Fan (RPF): “Obnoxious Packer Guy Doesn’t Speak for Me”

Over at The Kool-Aid Report, OPG has responded to my post from yesterday that was critical of his protest outside the home of former Packer’s Defensive Coordinator Bob Slowik. Let me reiterate that I sympathize with OPG’s grief over last year’s Packers defense. I also believe that he has the right to stage any kind of peaceful protest he wants to. While I don’t agree with what he’s been saying in this protest, I’ll defend to the death his right to say it (okay, maybe not to the death).

OPG implied that as a Vikings fan I had no right to criticize him. However, I received an e-mail from a Rabid Packer Fan (RPF) that agrees with me:

Thank you for your wonderful post on OPG’s asinine protest. As a Packer fan that suffered through every minute of every Packer game last season, I know exactly how OPG feels. However, I would like to make one thing absolutely clear: Obnoxious Packer Guy doesn‘t speak for me or most other Packer fans. Mr. Slowik had a good system in place, but he was betrayed by Ted Thompson and Mike Sherman.

Now the Packers want us to believe that Jim Bates is the solution. You are correct: He was a complete disaster for the Dolphins. OPG wants us to believe that we should be impressed that Bates led the Dolphins to a 3-4 record after the 1-8 start. All he accomplished was costing Miami the first pick in the draft. No wonder they fired him.

Fortunately, the Packers still have Favre, so they should average 80 points a game. I think even a Bates-led defense should be able to hold teams under 50. I predict 16-0 regular season and another Super Bowl. Anything less and Thompson and Sherman should be canned.

I’m glad OPG has ended his Slowik protest. If he wants to protest something worthwhile he should sign my online petition urging the Packers to replace all of the seats in Lambeau with port-potty seats so that we will no longer have to pee in a cup to avoid missing any of the game. Now that (and liquor) is something all Packer fans can agree upon.

But, I cannot let the biased reporting on the Kool-Aid Report go unchallenged. Here are some facts you won’t see reported on KAR:* In fact, OPG met with Slowik last February, and is quoted as referring to Slowik as “A great defensive mind”.* There even exists a picture of OPG kissing Slowik at that meeting.* OPG has made no mention of Favre’s five interceptions in the playoff loss to the Vikings. These can hardly be blamed on Slowik.* OPG has participated in a conference call and strategy session with new Packers Defensive Coordinator Jim Bates.* OPG has ignored the fact that Bates laid an egg as Defensive Coordinator and Interim Head Coach of the pathetic Miami Dolphins (they tied Cleveland for the worst record in the AFC).* Jane Fonda’s vegetable oil powered bus is scheduled to make an appearance and Slowik’s neighbors are already complaining about OPG's stench.* OPG has blamed previous Packer losses on “a cabal of Jewish referees”.* Nick Coleman has reportedly requested use of the StarTribune jet to cover OPG ’s vigil.* Maureen Dowd: “the moral authority of Packer fans who have survived the last couple of seasons is absolute.”* The Daily Kos has praised OPG for demonstrating a Packer fan's love of his team.* OPG is known to regularly urinate in the sink of the Lambeau Field bathroom.

This Ain't Your Father's Brittanica

As you may or may not realize, all of our posts at NIGP are the product of extensive research and fact-checking. While preparing a future piece on Britney Spears, I discovered something amazing. Wikipedia, the on-line encyclopedia has an entry under the category "White Trash."

Wikipedia's definition of what makes a person "white trash" is fascinating. The following are several of the characteristics Wikipedia considers common to "white trash" :

- Abnormally low hygiene standards.- Lazy and will take advantage of anything and everything they can.- Mentally challenged due to the lack of discipline or due to the presence of broken homes growing up.- Self-centered and care mainly about themselves.- Couch potatoes with poor physical health due to lack of exercise and poor diet.- Engage in loud public arguments about petty matters.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Mourning the Anniversary

Out of respect for the passing of Elvis Aron Presley on this date 28 years ago, I have set the background of this site to black. Interestingly, this Wikipedia link makes the common mistake of misspelling his middle name.

Science and Religion in the Middle Ages

Cantor has an interesting explanation for why the Muslim nations, after nearly 500 years of scientific superiority over the west, saw an abrupt end to their scientific development and why the west was somewhat immune to the same danger:

The speculative thinkers of the Islamic world were independent men who made their living as physicians, civil servants, lawyers, or professional teachers. Their peculiar social background meant, on the one hand, that these speculative thinkers could afford to be especially bold, since they were not inhibited by having to worry immediately about the compatibility of reason and revelation or about whether they would lose their jobs for preaching heresy. On the other hand, there was a grave threat to the long-range development of Islamic philosophy in this separation between the religious and intellectual leadership. If the fundamentalists and mystics felt that the traditional religion was actually in danger of subversion by the speculative thinkers and if they could obtain the cooperation of the state, they would simply silence the expression of rational thought. This is, in fact, what began to happen in the latter part of the eleventh century, and after 1200 scientific thought in the Islamic world was dead. This unfortunate development offers an illuminating contrast with the course of speculative thought in the Christian world. Because all the important philosophical work in high-medieval Europe was carried on in educational institutions that were subject to ecclesiastical authorities and because all the important western philosophers were at least in a nominal sense churchmen, the western thinkers were at first more conscious of the painful conflict between reason and revelation, and they moved more slowly than did the Arabic writers, but their work was, on the whole, protected from destruction at the hands of fanatics precisely because it was carried out under church auspices.

Top 11 Reasons For the Delay of Iraq's Constitution

11. Can't decide whether Bush's buddies get 85% or 90% of oil profits10. Pestered by e-mail span from moveon.org9. Arguing over whether to legalize gay marriage8. Hard to keep 400 representatives in one poorly ventilated room when they all had hummus for lunch7. Distracted by satellite broadcasts of MTV's "The Real World: Austin"6. The foreign journalist lobby keeps demanding subsidies for hair salons and karaoke bars5. In stunned shock that Mark Yost insulted the most heroic people they have ever seen: American war correspondents4. Delay in receiving top-secret instructions from Dick Cheney3. Read the NY Times and decided anything they do is futile2. Wrestling enthusiasts want expanded powers for the AWA's sheik Adnan Al-Kassie1. Paralyzed by fear that Jimmy Carter may visit to oversee installation of new government

Monday, August 15, 2005

Breaking News

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Could This Be the True Reason for Nick Coleman’s Departure?

Long time readers of this blog know that I am a big supporter of my fellow member of the local Economic/Political/Media elite, Nick Coleman. While others (including, sadly, some on this blog) were gloating over Mr. Coleman’s firing from Air America Minnesota, I was offering up bittersweet reminisces of my favorite moments.

It is always a sad moment when a man with a couple of families to feed loses one of his jobs, but under the circumstances I can’t really blame Air America Minnesota for forcing Mr. Coleman out (if that is indeed what happened) in light of this case noted by Drudge: An arbitrator has ordered a San Francisco radio station to pay $270,000 to a man who was outed as gay on the air.

Given Nick Coleman’s propensity for calling Republicans gay on his radio show, Air America Minnesota was looking at a huge liability. Each $875,000 loan from the Gloria Wise Boys & Girls Club would cover a mere 3.2 outings; Nick could go through that money in one segment.

While it’s sad to see Mr. Coleman lose his job, it’s hard to blame his former employer. At least he has the columnist gig to fall back on.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Ron Mexico's Not Ready For Some Football

This week marked the official kickoff of the 2005 NFL pre-season schedule. Fans are getting excited and armchair quarterbacks are talking up their team. Many fans are going to NFL.com to order hero jerseys of their favorite players. Many are paying $100 or more for a replica bearing the number of their favorite player.

However, if you are an Atlanta Falcoln fan, the NFL has some new rules around the type of jersey you can get for a C-note. The most popular Falcoln jersey is the #7 worn by quarterback Michael Vick. Per the Atlanta Journal Constitution, the NFL has mandated that none of their official merchandisers may sell an Atlanta #7 jersey bearing the name "Mexico." This action begs the question, what does the NFL have against Mexico?

According to The Smoking Gun, Michael Vick has had some legal troubles. 26 year-old Sonya Elliott is suing Vick for an unspecified amount, based on the allegation that Vick gave her Herpes Simplex II.

Elliott's complaint also contends that Vick "apologized profusely" for not telling her he was infected with the STD. Elliot's lawsuit alleges that Vick has used the name "Ron Mexico" and, in a related court filing, her lawyers are seeking Vick's admission that he used the "Mexico" alias--and perhaps other fake names--"for the purpose of herpes testing and/or treatment."

Friday, August 12, 2005

Top 11 Howard Dean Messages Aimed at Revitalizing the Democratic Party

11. Bush is Hitler AND Mussolini10. We don’t need no stinkin’ medication!9. All of the big trend-setting stars are Democrats.8. Isn’t it about time America apologized for something again?7. Maybe if we treat the terrorists nicely, they will kill us last.6. Buy two of our Congressmen and get the third free!5. If you live in the south, you are stupid.4. Coming in second in a close election is definitely a moral victory.3. If you are religious, you are stupid2. You are stupid1. Its the stupidity stupid!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Graphics Ban Lifted!

In preparing for JB Doubtless' upcoming nuptials, I interviewed the photographer he had hired, in hopes of securing blogging photo rights to the event. The photographer didn't wish to be named publicly, so I will call him Paparazzo.

Anyway, Paparazzo told me that several years ago he photographed a certain Coleman-Billings wedding and passed me the above digital photo.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Top 11 Things I Will Miss about the Nick Coleman Radio Show

11. The nuance10. The speculation on the size of the genitals of the Power Line guys.9. The traffic report8. The way Nick joked about all Republicans being gay.7. The excitement and anticipation leading up to Nick’s announcement of the “Wing-nut of the Week”.6. His exposure of the right-wing noise machine daisy chain.5. Nick’s unique delivery of the words “monkey”, “wanker”, “wingnut”, and “blaaahgers”.4. The bagpipe music.3. The witty banter between Nick and the caller he had that one time.2. The way the show pre-empted “Morning Sedition”.1. I guess there are only ten things I’ll miss about the Nick Coleman Radio Show.

Guttergate?

Last Tuesday I wrote a post expressing skepticism over Margaret’s claim at Our House blog that David had hung a trellis. Now Margaret has upped the ante by posting that David helped hang gutters on their garage. She has even provided the photo demanded by the skeptics.

I’ve been studying the photo for hours, and have concluded that it’s phonier than a Tim Pawlenty tax euphemism. The shadow on the garage looks all wrong, and the perspective is off. The figure of David is 111 pixels high while the garage door is only 118 pixels high, a mere 6% clearance. That would have to be one small door.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Memo to the NCAA: Don’t Endorse Racism

King Banaian notes the NCAA’s latest diktat on Indian nicknames. The NCAA will be banning the use of “hostile or abusive” nicknames or mascots on team uniforms or other clothing at any NCAA tournament.

Okay fine, I’m against hostility and abusiveness, but why limit the ban to uniforms and clothing? Why is a mascot offensive on a shirt, but just fine on a building? To the NCAA, there should be no more offensive place on earth than Ralph Englestad Arena, home of the University of North Dakota Fighting Sioux and the planned location for the 2006 NCAA Men’s Hockey West Regional.

Not only is the arena plastered with several thousand Fighting Sioux logos (“Fighting Sioux” is, of course, on the condemned list) but the building is named after a man who was fined $1.5 million by the Nevada Gaming Control Board for bringing embarrassment to the industry (that’s right, he managed to bring embarrassment to the gambling industry). Here is how he did it, according to the Las Vegas Sun:“Engelstad had held parties in the resort's secret multimillion-dollar Nazi memorabilia room allegedly to observe Adolf Hitler's birthdays in 1986 and 1988. Engelstad later denounced Hitler, apologized for his error in judgement and emptied the room of nazi memorabilia.”

At least Engelstad eventually denounced Hitler. Will the NCAA do likewise with its decision to hold the 2006 West Regional at his fortress of racism? Fortunately, it will be easy for them to do so. They can simply shift the regional to the location of the successful 2005 West Regional, Mariucci Arena. Mariucci Arena is named after a man who would have never dreamed of throwing a Hitler birthday party, and is home to one of the least hostile and abusive nicknames in sports: the Golden Gophers.

The NCAA can either move the West Regional to an arena adorned with a lovable rodent, or it can endorse racism and genocide. Choose wisely, NCAA, choose wisely.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Top 11 Beliefs of Moonbats Protesting The Dropping of the A-Bomb on Hiroshima

11. Naming the plane "Enola Gay" somehow discriminates against homosexuals10. One can support the troops, but still wish to send 1 million of them to unnecessary deaths9. History belongs to those who re-write it8. If the bomb hadn't been dropped, GHW Bush may have been killed in combat and we would have been spared the unnecessary Iraq war that his son started7. Big tobacco somehow behind the Manhattan project6. Our friends the Soviets were ready to help us with an invasion of Japan5. No women or minorities represented within the crew of the Enola Gay4. Extensive damage to Hiroshima abortion clinics3. Escalated hostilities against Japan would inflame the "Japanese Street" and create more Japanese terrorists2. Oppenheimer ran a non-union shop1. America is evil and should never defend itself

Top 11 Slogans on the New Line of Sisyphus Thongs

I’ve long envied the Kool-Aid Report for marketing their own thong. Well, I’ve now one-upped them by creating my own line of Sisyphus thongs. Here are the top 11 slogans that appear on the various Sisyphus thongs:

11. Sisyphus was here10. I wish Sisyphus were here9. If the thong’s a rockin’ don’t come a knockin’8. I’m with stupid7. If you can read this you are too close6. WWSD? *What Would Sisyphus Do?5. My other thong is a KAR thong4. I can’t believe the stupid American people have allowed the smirking chimp McHitler Wal-Bush steal two elections so that he can enrich Karl Rove, Dick Cheney and the fat cats at Halliburton who tricked America into believing that Saddam Hussein was an evil terrorist who had WMDs so they could steal the oil from Afghanistanto enrich their friends at Halliburton who are evil, like Dick Cheney, who will kill me if he were to run for President because Karl Rove would then steal the election for him so that he can leak the names of more covert CIA agents to the press to kill patriotic civil servants whose only crime is revealing the lies of the stupid chimpand his draft dodging chicken hawk blood for oil traders (available only in size Helen Thomas)3. Property of the Sisyphus2. Smokin’ hot for a better Minnesota1. Honk if you heart Sisyphus

CLARIFICATION: Based on a comment by Doug, and this post by EckerNet, I guess I should clarify: These thongs are intended for female (including Helen Thomas) use only.

Laura Vanderkam writes that the Center for Reproductive Rights has overestimated the impact of a Roe reversal. What she fails to recognize is that state legislatures across this country are already passing laws that would virtually ban abortion procedures including those in the first trimester.Why would such actions stop in the advent of a Roe reversal?

Last year, Michigan passed a law that could essentially ban all abortions in that state, and having a Democratic governor didn't make any difference. Anti-choice lawmakers managed to override the governor's veto of the legislation. Sixty percent of Rhode Island voters may have voted for John Kerry for president, but the state's constitution explicitly says that it doesn't protect abortion rights. Moreover, the House and Senate are anti-choice, as is the governor.

That's right moonbat! You see our government has checks and balances. Just because you want the courts to be dictators doesn't make it so. Abortion is a controversial issue and different states will naturally treat the subject differently you fascist wacko!

Next comes either the stupidest statement or the biggest lie I've seen in a long time:

This year alone, 27 anti-choice laws have been enacted. Laws like these are currently being challenged in court. Without Roe protecting a woman's right to decide if, when and how often she becomes pregnant, such cases would likely be lost and those laws would likely be in effect.

Sorry, lying scum. Roe v. Wade has nothing to do with a woman's right to decide if, when and how often she becomes pregnant. Abortion ends a pregnancy, by killing and removing the baby. It does not prevent it. Nancy Northrup tells lies like this because she does not want you to believe that fact. If Nancy Northrup said, I believe an adult woman should be able to choose not to put up with the inconveniences of pregnancy, and should have the right to kill her unborn child, I would give her credit for being honest. Instead she tells us something we all know is false.

Ms. Vanderkam not only drastically underestimates the determination of anti-choice legislators, she also disregards the host of legal battles currently keeping anti-abortion laws at bay and preventing a return to back-alley abortions. Nancy Northup, president, Center for Reproductive Rights, New York

Ah, the wonders of the back-alley abortion argument. Legal fact: if Roe were overturned, different states may limit abortion differently. This is the way the founders intended any controversial issue that was not included in the constitution. Fascist twinks like Ms. (I'm sure I'm right) Northrup want to take the power from the states and consolidate it with the Supreme court . . . as long as the court agrees with them. If a new Supreme Court were to declare all abortions illegal, she would no longer support the power being there.

From Dead Man's Curve to Motocross Kid

I made it through the business meeting and safely to the airport in the Jag. I must confess, that once I got the speedometer up to 120, all I could think about was that line from the seminal surf band Jan & Dean's "Dead Man's Curve."

The flight back from Tampa was uneventful, with the strange exception that a family of four sat in the row ahead of me in the first class section. One of the kids had a DVD player and I was treated to a view (due to the difference in reclcline angles between his father and him) of a movie called “Motocross Kids.”

“Motocross Kids” starred a bunch of kids, Lorenzo Lamas, and a chimpanzee. Guess which one was the least convincing actor? However, there was also plenty of room in it for other Hollywood has-beens, including wife-beating Promise Keeper Gary Busey, Phyllis Diller and Dan Haggarty, who still has a beard, meaning he looks nothing like J. B. Doubtless. Of that triumvirate of acting talent, amazingly Phyllis Diller had aged most gracefully.

The movie seemed to keep the attention of the 9 year-old in front of me, and after a few Bombay martini’s I wasn't in the mood to complain either. I arrived home early in the evening and decided to skip trivia at Keegan’s in exchange for quality time with the family.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Citizen Gyllenhaal (or not)

One of the many classic scenes in Citizen Kane is when Kane’s old friend and the drama critic for his newspaper, Jedediah Leland, has to write a review of Kane’s wife’s god-awful singing debut. Leland writes half of a vicious pan before passing out drunk on his typewriter. Kane finds the review, finishes it in the same tone, publishes it, and then fires Leland.

This got me to wondering how the Star Tribune movie critics handled reviewing actors Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal, the nephew and niece of their boss, Editor Anders Gyllenhaal. True, the critics (Jeff Strickler and Colin Covert) had one big advantage over Jebediah Leland – their boss’s relatives actually have some talent. Nevertheless, I thought it would be interesting to go through the Strib’s movie review archives to see if I could find any blatant examples of sucking up, hopefully accompanied with a vicious pan that pre-dated Gyllenhaal’s editorship.

Unfortunately, no such luck. Jake Gyllenhall received only positive reviews before Anders Gyllenhaal was named editor (Maggie wasn’t reviewed). The only negative review for a Gyllenhaal appeared shortly after Uncle Anders became editor. Jeff Strickler wrote in his August 16, 2002 review of “The Good Girl”: “The last act gets a little too sudsy at times. Gyllenhaal ("Donnie Darko") starts overacting, while spouting lines that are more silly than profound …”

Since there was no evidence of any sucking up (in fact, the opposite) I decided to abandon the idea.

Well then, if the post was abandoned, then why are you reading about it? The reason is that I recalled this quote from my favorite physicist, Richard Feynman:

“If you’ve made up your mind to test a theory, or you want to explain some idea, you should always decide to publish it whichever way it comes out. If we only publish results of a certain kind, we can make the argument look good. We must publish both kinds of results.”

This does not need apply only to science. Feynman tended to have a somewhat low opinion of lawyers, politicians, and others in the persuasion business precisely because they tended to ignore this maxim. Most consider it the responsibility of the other side to find their own evidence and make their own arguments. But if are goal is to move us closer to the truth, we have the responsibility to bring to light all information we know of, whether it helps or hurts our theory.

Down The Highway

This piece by P.J. O'Rourke is undoubtedly the most hysterically funny thing I have ever read (warning - it's fairly dirty). I was thinking about it earlier this evening. I had just taken the long flight down to Tampa. I took the opportunity to have a few Bombay martinis on the long flight. I landed around 7:30 and I planned to pick up the rental car and head straight to the hotel.

As often happens, there was a problem with my car reservation. The agency was sold out of nearly everything. Finally the clerk said, "We have one car left, a 2005 Jaguar XK8 convertible." He flipped me the keys and within five minutes, I was heading for the highway with the top down, about to learn that everything Laura Ingraham says about Jaguars was true.

Instead of heading downtown to the hotel I went the opposite direction across the four-lane bridge toward St. Petersburg. The wind was in my hair, the sun was in my face. I crossed the seven mile bridge and turned around. Of course, unlike P.J. I didn't have a teenage lovely with me (I'm happily married), but I felt free as I headed back to Tampa.

I was cruising in the left lane of the four-lane bridge doing about 90 mph. The Allman Brothers were playing "Ramblin' Man" on the radio. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw something moving fast to my right. It was a Corvette. It passed me like I was standing still. I put my foot to the floor and the Jag leaped forward the way my Oldsmobile would accelerate while stepping on the gas at about 30 mph. In seconds, I was at 120 mph and right behind the Vette. Now things got tricky as the bridge ahead was a bit more crowded with cars. The Vette and I wound our way between other drivers, who were moving at 70-80 MPH for the most part.

After about a minute I pulled alongside the Vette. The driver gave me a big smile and accelerated past me. I could have matched him, but suddenly I came to my senses and let off the gas. As P.J. suggested, I'm way too old to be acting like a complete fool.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Top 11 List Archive

NIGEL TUFNEL: The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and... MARTY DIBERGI: Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten? NIGEL TUFNEL: Exactly. MARTY DIBERGI: Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder? NIGEL TUFNEL: Well, it's one louder, isn't it?