In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on. ~ Robert Frost

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If you’ve been following my blog, you know that my husband is living in a different state than myself and the kids right now, and that we will be packing ourselves up and moving to said state in July. That also means that I am currently “alone” and taking care of the kids by myself, and will have the task of packing and getting the house ready for a renter…by myself. That also meant, I’d be planning the wedding… you guessed it, by myself.

Weddings are supposed to be a time of joy, and excitement and happiness. But what you don’t really know is the dark side of weddings. That would be the stress. Insurmountable stress. That’s how I’ve felt recently.

A couple of weeks ago when I was speaking to the chapel director about coming in to make a deposit, I just couldn’t do it. I was scared to put a deposit down because I was somewhat afraid we would lose our money. I had an appointment with the photographer today that I also canceled last week. And the reception hall had a hold on our date, and yesterday I was due to make the deposit, but did not. I asked them to take the hold off.

I decided to cancel the wedding.

To be honest, I wasn’t having any joy in planning. It was so much work for me, that even the smallest task was enough to fill me with dread, for example, putting together favors. Trying to decide what to serve for food, picking out colors. I did NOT want to do any of it, not one bit. I had no joy, and the planning was dreadful, even the thought of it. I really was a big ball of mess, and cried on the phone to my husband because I didn’t know what to do.

Then I found out that my extended family had decided to hold a family reunion the day after our wedding day. And boy was I PISSED. Fuck, I was so damn mad at every one for that. I was under the impression that most people knew about our wedding date, which was 7-6-13. It’s not such a huge deal, right? Well, it is, considering the reunion was 5 hours away and in another country. I live far from my family, and knew that coming to the wedding would be a challenge regardless, but this just pushed me over the top. I was so hurt that they would do that to me, and felt so let down. We never got any cards or any congratulations when we had our legal ceremony, and this meant we would get nothing again. I cried on the phone to my grandma, who basically told me to pick another date. But we can’t pick another date because we only have the month of July to have our wedding, go on our honeymoon, AND move to Kansas. The sequence of those three events was really adding to my stress because I didn’t know how to manage all that in one month.

I’m still really disappointed because even though I know I can’t manage all three, I still really wanted a wedding. I wanted to wear that beautiful gown that is hanging in my closet as I walked down the aisle to meet my husband, and then go off on our awesome honeymoon. I wanted to celebrate and dance and laugh with my family and friends, and I won’t get much of a chance now except at the reunion.

It was kind of funny…i mentally cancelled the wedding just days before I found out about the reunion. And then after I found out about the reunion, called and cancelled for real. I knew I wouldn’t win that battle, at least in my eyes, I wouldn’t. The rest of the summer was not good for my extended family to have the reunion. But yes, I was still hurt. I’m only human! I guess not as many people knew as I thought they did, and perhaps that is my fault. But at the same time, I have been teased and accused of over sharing on Facebook before, so this time my hesitation in sharing everything came back to bite me in the ass. I DO want a wedding, next summer just isn’t the right time for us at all, there is too much going on.

Trying to deal with my huge heartbreak over no wedding (we’re still going to try have a vow renewal when we come back to Washington state in 3-5 years) was hard enough, but then I found out today that our childcare for our honeymoon went away.

No wedding, and no honeymoon.

Fuck.

We’re scrambling to find someone to watch the kids for us for a week so we can take some time to ourselves, as it will be a LONG time till that happens again. I don’t care that we’ve married later in life, and have a family already, we still deserve a honeymoon like all the first timers get. We do! And I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise. I’ll be putting out an A.P.B. soon enough to friends in the area begging them to help, otherwise we’re screwed.

You can imagine the tears I had tonight again. Having PMS right now doesn’t help one bit, but this was just heartbreaking for me, especially because of everything else that will be changing (leaving our friends, giving up some of the pets, moving to a new state, a house and renting mine out etc). We had decided to spend a week in Paris because that is a dream of mine, and last night we were skyping and doing research on flights and hotels. We’re hoping someone will come through and help us and take pity on us, but I don’t know. I’m crossing my fingers to be honest, and just hoping we’ll get lucky.

For now, we’ll just go to the family reunion. My mom strongly encouraged us to go as it will be huge, probably close to 200 people if not more, and we have never had one. I’m excited to see all my cousins again, but I am sad I am not getting my wedding, and probably won’t be getting a honeymoon.

I just want to know it’s ok to be mad, and hurt, and disappointed. And that it’s ok to cry.

I can’t believe it’s been one year since we had our first date! We’ve been inseparable ever since.

I love you Andrew! Thank you for taking a chance on a widow with four kids, even though she unintentionally insulted you on your first date (uhhh…I made fun of his dirty DSLR when mine was much better quality and cleaner lol). Thanks for being my bestest friend, and for being such a good role model to the kids, and loving them like they are your own. Thank you for loving me unconditionally even when I drive you crazy. Thank you for being you, and being the best thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you for making me laugh countless times.

I love you to infinity and beyond, Happy 1 year Anniversary!!

Yesterday we celebrated our one year anniversary by re-creating our first date. On our first date, we actually went to a local nature preserve and went on a long four hour walk. At the middle of the walk, we sat down on a bench and it was the perfect spot for a first kiss, but I never got one. I was feeling the energy between us, desperately hoping he would kiss me, but he never did. I didn’t give up hope though, after that, we walked back to the truck and went to Outback for dinner and enjoyed a delicious meal. Mmm black bread! THEN…we went to a movie, 50/50. When we walked into the theater, I had had enough, and I said to him, “Andrew, you can hold my hand now!”, and I grabbed his hand. After the movie, we headed back to my place where I paid our babysitter, and stood there with him in the front room. I still hadn’t got a kiss yet. I was thinking…wow dude, you picked me up at 2PM, and it’s now almost midnight, and you haven’t kissed me yet?

So I kissed him. I planted a BIG kiss on him. I don’t remember the whole sequence of events, but we did have our arms around each other, and then I gave him a big ‘ol smooch. It was perfect. And it was the best first date ever. EVER!

Here’s to a lifetime of epic dates, and love, laughter and awesomeness! I LOVE YOU!

But you all already knew that. What you don’t know is that I’m getting married this month!

After much deliberation and endless discussions, Andrew and I decided to get hitched this month. October 27th to be exact. That day has no special meaning, it just happened to be the only day my sister could get off work. I wanted 10-11-12, but c’est la vie.

After weighing our options, we realized that because of a possible deployment, it was in ours, and the children’s, best interests to get married as soon as possible, rather than later on. The military pays married soldiers better, we get more of an allowance for housing, and I can get health insurance again. Plus, it takes care of the kids and I should something happen to Andrew in Afghanistan, god forbid. Also, in Kansas, the housing wait can be up to six months, and we need a house, so as soon as Andrew gets there, he is going on the housing list so we have a home when we arrive next summer. You can only get housing if you are married.

This decision was not an easy one to make. We had our rough moments earlier in September when we discussed it, but we got through it just fine. It also meant that because of our marriage, my citizenship hearing, and our trip to see his family next month, we have to skip attending my cousin’s wedding in Canada. I’m really bummed out about that, but we had to make the best decision for our family, and that event had to be cut. With my citizenship alone, I forked out almost $2000 for Lawyer’s fees, and USCIS fees. I also wasn’t sure if I should even tell the extended family we were getting married because I didn’t want that to affect their plans to come next year, but hopefully they will still come next year to support us. We’ll have lots of dancing and yummy food!

Yes, we are still having a wedding next year. I bought a dress already, and my friends and I have started some of the planning process. However, the little details and finalization of a date etc, will all have to wait until late December/early January when we find out for sure if Andy is being deployed. This wedding in October is a legal matter only…and while it is our marriage, we are so excited to be husband and wife, the big wedding-walking down the aisle-dancing-reception and honeymoon will come next year. Apparently a LOT of military couples do this, which I was not aware of. I did buy a cute cocktail dress, and he will wear his Class A’s, and we’re getting married in a friend’s living room. Nothing fancy at all, and my sister is doing my hair! We wont even have a honeymoon, unless you count doing a road trip down to Disneyland two weeks later with our four kids, and meeting my new in-laws, as a honeymoon?

I am so excited to marry the man whom I love! He’s an amazing person, more generous than I ever expected (let’s not let his ego get too big, he’s still a stubborn ass bachelor sometimes!), amazing with the kids (he is doing excellent in the dad role so far), and he’s my best friend. I can’t say enough good things about him…what else can you say about a man who is a bachelor and decided to marry a widow with four kids? I have to say though, it seems surreal to me to be a wife again. I’ve identified for so many years as Barry’s wife, and then his widow, that this new phase of my life might take me some time to adjust to as well. I’m going to be Andrew’s wife! Yaaay!

I’ll post soon about my shoe choices for this month…believe it or not, the shoes I am wearing were one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make! And muffins…I made bran muffins last night. I’ll post the recipe for that soon too 🙂