Children brought up by parents practising "tough love" are likely to become more rounded personalities with well-developed characters than those who face either a more authoritarian or laissez-faire approach, research reveals today.

The study, by the think tank Demos, tracked the lives of 9,000 families and found that 13% used a "tough love" approach, which combines warmth and discipline. It did not matter whether the parents were rich or poor – those that adopted the approach brought up children who were more likely to be empathetic, more able to control their emotions and bounce back from disappointment, and more capable of sticking with things, concentrating and completing tasks. The research found that it was the style of parenting, rather than income or social background, that developed the strength of character.

However, it did show that the style was most common in better-off families and where parents were married. The study also found that the parents' level of education had a positive impact on developing character, as did breast-feeding until six months.

It claimed that such "character capabilities" had become increasingly important in life. Skills such as empathy, self-regulation and application were 33 times more important in determining income for those who turned 30 in 2000 than for those 12 years older, it said.

Richard Reeves, director of Demos, argued that "tough love" was successful because it built up a child's self-esteem but also taught them to be restrained and respectful. "The 'tough' bit of the equation is about children realising 'we can't have exactly what we want immediately when we want it'," said Reeves. "And the recognition that there are other people in the world who you have to treat with a certain amount of respect. That is a crucial life skill, because no one wants to be married to or work with someone who is a selfish git."

The study concluded that 8% of parents adopted a "laissez-faire" approach, 10% – or 740,000 – were authoritarian, and another 8% – or 600,000 – were "disengaged". The rest did not fall into one of the categories. Girls were more likely to develop the skills by the age of five, it added.

Reeves said part of the parenting style was about not giving in to pester power. "Every parent knows that is a difficult thing to do. They know that standing up to pester power makes for an awful day, but it also makes for a better future," he said. "Kids are innately short-term: the process of raising a child well is partly about raising children to look beyond the next minute, the next hour, the next week."

Reeves argued that parenting in that way might be harder for people struggling financially who themselves find it hard to look beyond a day or a week.

He said politicians on the left and right had avoided talking about the issue of parenting styles, but it was crucial that they now did. "There is clearly a lot of anxiety about how to parent well – look at the television programmes and books about it," he added.

Angeline Brunel, a 31-year-old mother from Glasgow, admitted that she turned to friends, books and programmes for advice about bringing up her daughter Madeleine, who is now two. "Boy, did I have many misconceptions about what parenting means," said Brunel. "I thought she was going to listen to me, that I would never have to use things like the naughty corner." But Brunel and her partner, Thomas Dickson, soon realised that it would be harder than they had thought. She found that her daughter would run away from her in the supermarket, refused to go to bed until 10 at night, and would walk up to strangers and "babble away".

That was when she decided to take a slightly tougher approach like some of her friends. Brunel decided not to pick her daughter up every time she wanted her to, started putting her to bed earlier, "coming down to her level" to talk to her in a firm tone, and using the naughty corner.

"We started watching Supernanny and that woman – Jo Frost – she has the right idea," added Brunel. Brunel says she also tells her daughter every day that "I love her so much and she is a miracle," and calls her over for cuddle. "I have noticed a difference – she is calmer. And I do think it is to do with the parenting style."

However, Justine Roberts, co-founder of Mumsnet, pointed out that every family had individual circumstances. "Often within the same family, with exactly the same parenting style, you will have a child that is much more difficult than another child. We would be sceptical to any broad-brush solution."