Day
118 -The Tragic Hero Prepares - How
the Tragic Hero "sets up" the experience of either "going
against the odds even though I am likely to lose" or "celebrating
victory over seemingly impossible odds" and how everything is always
justified in the eyes of the "Tragic Hero"

In the previous post I discussed the point of the "Tragic Hero" - which comes up whenever there is a task or some point that arises where I require to take responsibility for a point or have to face something that I fear or resist.

As a recap, the "Tragic Hero" takes whatever the point is and magnifies it into something that is seemingly 'very difficult' and requires great 'sacrifice' - and by doing so whatever the outcome is, I am able to not take full and specific self-responsibility because after all, the "odds were against me" and I "did my best under the circumstances" - which is a very clever way of basically never holding myself accountable or allowing myself to see something directly, for what it is, and work with that point.

Tonight I will discuss the next stage of the "Tragic Hero" - which is where one of two things will typically happen -

The first option is the scenario of "The Hero Falls" - Where I face a point of decision or responsibility and do NOT stand up for myself and take responsibility for myself, and rather already make the decision to just accept the consequences of failure.

The second is the scenario of "The Redeemed Hero" - Where a single point of 'success' is seen as a point of 'redemption' for all of the burden and suffering that the "Tragic Hero" apparently has to "put up with" - and in the energy and excitement the Tragic Hero character is validated is being "right" despite the long history and pattern of diminishment.

Tonight I will be walking in further detail the "Hero Falls" scenario:

The "Hero" Falls

In this scenario, I will face whatever the task is that I was resisting/fearing/not wanting to be responsible for and will 'fail' or the result will not be what is anticipated or expected, or an issue/problem arises within what I was working on. I will then 'accept the consequence' of the failure from a starting point of ego - where instead of facing the consequences in a way that ensures such a point of consequence does not happen again and the point is addressed and given direction - the 'consequence' rather becomes yet another layer of the 'burden' that the Tragic Hero just loves to keep piling on - because the more apparent 'burden' and 'suffering' I take on, the more "tragic" the "Tragic Hero" is. Thus, the more 'epic' the experience is and the easier it is for me to keep saying "Look at what I'm dealing with. Look at how much I am burdened!" . And so the consequence is simply 'absorbed' within the ego and self-interest. I will then "suffer through" the point instead of actually looking at who I am and how I am specifically responsible for the creation and manifestation of that point - and the "failure" is thus never actually investigated or questioned but rather 'dealt with' and 'responded to' within the egotistical fashion of "I will take care of this. I will pay for this. I accept the consequences and will simply suffer through it and put up with it and fashion my life AROUND it. This is MY burden to carry."

In this 'mode' I have often and repeatedly allowed myself to place myself into situations of compromise - in terms of my relationships, my finances, and my general approach to my own life and my own living - where now if I look back at my life I can see the "main events" wherein I faced a point of absolutely giving up on myself and accepting a point of consequence when there was a decision that I required to make or a commitment that I required to consider - and how I have throughout my life always accepted the consequence and allowed myself to constantly and continuously 'carry the burden' of those consequences instead of stopping and realizing that the burden does not make me righteous or strong - that these burdens represent parts of myself that I have separated myself from, did not understand or embrace and live as myself within self-direction and self-trust - and thus allowed my fear and absence of awareness/understanding to 'decide' on my behalf that I would accept such points of compromise for the rest of my life - that from such moments of "failure" and compromise I would spent the rest of my days managing and putting up with and 'accepting' over and over the results of consequence, and over and over I would continually try to manage my "life" or what became of my "life" in having accepted those consequences while at the same time trying to "live" - which now I see are mutually exclusive.

"...what happens with managing consequence, is that you are essentially creating more consequence from consequence, and perpetuating the entire vicious cycle of consequence... everything is collapsing and you're trying to hold it up with various other connections, but then those connections are not stable, so you then have to create connections for those connections, and then THOSE connections aren't stable, and so you've got to create connections for those connections, and so it is this infinite process where you have to try and keep everything stable and holding each other together." - Reptilians Part 66

For a fuller context and understanding of this point I STRONGLY suggest
checking out the actual interview as well as the Reptilian series in general at the
Eqafe store - which are some of the most direct and life-changing
interviews I have heard.

After listening to this interview a whole new dimension/awareness opened up within me as I look again as this point of the "Tragic Hero" and how throughout my life I can see I have been trying to manage the consequences of my living and of my decisions and of all of those 'defining moments' where I allowed myself to make decisions and commitments out of fear and resistance, and so readily, so easily trusted my fears and resistances and never actually stopped to question where these fears and resistances came from - and "before I knew it" I was already abdicating myself and already made the 'decision' within myself, of who I am, that whatever happens and whatever consequence will result, I will face it and I will accept it and I will bear it - because I believed that I had no choice - that I did not have the strength or ability to consider another solution - where already at that point in my life I had so abdicated my self-trust and self-responsibility, and created the self belief that my value - my 'purpose' - and my 'obligation' was that I required to essentially "sacrifice" myself, that I may ease the burden of another - that my entire life was geared for this purpose and that I was prepared for this task - that all of the experiences and memories within me of pain and moments where I felt abused and powerless would all become my 'strength' - and that no matter what, I would defend to the death if need be, my decision within myself to become this "Tragic Hero" - and from that moment on, everything else in my life has been a continuous point of managing, dealing with, and adjusting to/toward that initial "decision".

Actually - in writing this point out just now, this 'connection' and awareness I see as quite pertinent and prominent, as much of my core foundation/character can be clearly traced to this/these moments in my life.

So here I am - seeing this with a point of clarity that I had not had before - and seeing a dimension and realizing an awareness about myself, my design of me, that I did not quite understand before and experienced quite a lot of conflict and judgment for throughout my life.

I realize that this is not special - that this is not some immediate epiphany that will magically change my life now that I have found a thread that I may use to begin unraveling a prominent knot within me.

Here, I support myself within what I have seen and developed within my awareness as I have been walking this point of the "Tragic Hero" thus far -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to celebrate and immediately access the polarity experience of the "Redeemed Hero" where now, suddenly because I see a possible glimmer of hope and see that there has been a movement/accomplishment towards bettering myself, want to generate and remain within an energetic "high" where now it seems it was all 'worth it' when in fact having lived a life of consequence and managing such consequences has NOT been 'worth it' - and now is the opportunity for myself to sort myself out and really, practically, develop the intimacy and understanding of myself that I have been 'searching for'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within seeing how much this point has been a point of influence within my design of myself and how much of my life has been influenced by this specific point, desire to hold on to this moment of realization as though this moment of realization is special or that if I just hold on to this experience, I will finally be 'okay' with myself and will finally be at the stage that I believe I require to be where I can "finally" sort myself out - when in fact sorting myself out has NEVER relied on me being at any particular "stage" - because my entire life has been, and still is, the very "stage" that I require to see, understand, and stop separating myself from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to believe that this moment of insight into myself is anything more than what it practically is - which is a moment of insight that I am now able to utilize in further walking and correcting myself within a specific point of my self-creation and does not make me special or better or 'more realized' than before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will turn this into something 'more than' what it is, and as a polarity to this fear try to now downplay it and make as though I do not at all experience a form of gratitude/appreciation within myself within seeing this point in a way that has allowed me to take responsibility for it that has been "missing" before.

Here, I commit myself to continue writing, expanding, and applying specific self forgiveness within this point that has developed and direct myself within and as my own expression of gratitude - not as an energetic 'celebration' where there is an experience of a "high" for apparently 'getting somewhere', but as a movement of myself here, an act of self-responsibility and an expression of me getting back to myself, giving myself back to myself a part of my life that I have separated myself from - and within this when and where there is an energetic reaction - either positive or negative, I stop and I do not go on that ride in the mind.

I commit myself to, when and as I notice myself wanting to go faster, further, deeper than what is actually here - to STOP and realize that when I rush and when I am not walking myself within the actual self-understanding being developed as I write and investigate myself and apply the tools of self-writing and self-forgiveness effectively, I am only missing out myself and I am only cheating myself from the gift of really getting to know me - so I slow down, walk what is here, what is practical, what I am actually seeing, instead of trying to write what I want to see and what I already want to have achieved.

I will continue in my next post with further expansion on this point - and will further specify the details of how one initial point within my life of deciding to "become" the "Tragic Hero" character has lead me to a life of constant 'consequence management' instead of actual living.