“When I was 7, my dad would go to Hooters to watch [San Antonio] Spurs games. But he started noticing that when I would come, with my little pigtails, all the waitresses would be like, ‘Hey!’ So he ended up half spending time with me but with all those cute girls coming over. And that would be our thing.”

Yeah, that’s adorable. Me and my dad had a thing too, when I was seven, but it doesn’t sound nearly as fun as Selena’s with her dad. My dad used to take me on all these adventures all over the city, but there were a lot of missed opportunities for him to ditch me, so that was pretty disappointing. We’d go to the zoo, and I’d intentionally wear my cutest pair of overalls so he could use me as cute-bait to lure over all the big-breasted zebras and the slutty ostriches, but he would never even do it. Or sometimes we’d go to a museum and I’d want him to teach me about math by spending 50% of his time with me and 50% chatting up the models of neo-Neanderthals, but he just wouldn’t. Oh, the times we could’ve had! I don’t mean to complain, because I’ve had a pretty good life, but there’s nothing more rewarding as a young girl than spending a full day with your bachelor dad and getting half his attention. It makes you want to grow up to be an astrophysicist or a Nobel Prize winner or the girlfriend of a fully-grown man-boy in a skin-tight onesie. Bring on the tits and wings.