HARMONIC SELF-HYPNOSIS

SPECULATION ON THE MIND ALTERING EFFECTS
OF DIRECTLY HEATED TRIODES
THE PHENOMENOLOGY OF FAR OUT AUDIO GIZMOS

WARNING: THERMIONIC TECHNO-SHAMAN ALBERT:
THE PREMISE OF THIS ARTICLE IS THAT THE FUNCTION OF AN AUDIO SYSTEM IS
TO INDUCE A SELF HYPNOTIC TRANCE, AND WHY DIRECTLY HEATED TRIODES ARE
SO EFFECTIVE AT THIS TASK. THIS ARTICLE IS STRICTLY OFF LIMITS
TO THOSE WHO ARE SEEKING MUSICAL ACCURACY BECAUSE THEY ARE ALMOST DEAD
BRAINY WHITE AUDIO PROFESSORS WHO CANT DANCE. AT THE END OF THIS
ARTICLE YOU WILL BE OFFERED A NEW SERVICE THAT COULD SAVE YOU YEARS
OF PAIN AND SUFFERING AND THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.

There are only two things we can be absolutely sure of in terms of audio:
audio systems are chaos system; no one has ever measured an audio systems
music quality, and we dont have a clue about how humans experience
music.

The current audio revolution is all about a change in our collective
music mind and how we approach the audio arts...this is a brave new mind
because it has cast off its crust of moldy audio cheese and is prepared
to wipe the slate clean and begin at the beginning by asking the most
fundamental questions about the audio arts.

I am asserting here that the place we must start is within the our body,
and that means paying attention not only to our ears, but our scalp, chest,
stomach, testicles, (or, our Sacred Oven of Life, if you have one) thighs,
legs and toes...in other words, we are going to pay much attention to
the pure physicality of music..we are going to re-establish the primacy
of our bodys wisdom..and not the intellectual analysis of our home
aural matrix. Turn off the mind that is interested in comparing micro-dynamics
to mini-dynamics to teensy-beensy mouse dynamics.

It naturally follows that because your DNA is completely
unique and your body chemistry is completely unique and your emotional/spiritual
experience is completely unique and you are a products of a completely
unique social/cultural metacontext that what makes you cream more economically
is totally unique. This means that only you know what gets you off musically,
and it is your responsibility to figure out what collection of chaotic
audio gizmos sets off all the right triggers. And if you are relying on
someone else to be an authority over your ecstasy then it is time play
hooky from audio and take up hockey.

THE ART OF SELF-HYPNOSIS

What is the ideal audio system for you...you glorious unique musical
loving gifted listener? The answer is obvious...one that you create that
self-hypnotizes you. Or said differently: The function of an audio system
is to be a tool of your self-hypnosis...and nothing is a more noble and
intimate artistic pursuit than that.

This implies that the only question that has integrity in the audio arts
is: Does this equipment help me induce a deeper state of hypnosis? (Not...
is this piece of equipment accurate?)

Why do I use the expression of self-hypnosis? For two reasons...the
first is that you are completely and totally responsible for this
process, which means it is the most intimate form of self-knowledge.
It implies that you have acquired a very refined sense of your musical
soul. I am willing to bet you my complete collection of Victorias
Secret Limited Editor Claudia Schiffer Underwear, that there are no
words possible to describe this intimate self-knowledge. The way you
know it is by years and years of struggling to create the perfect self-reflective
audio system, one capable of inducing an altered state of being, where
the mind filled with barriers and walls dissolves and you and music
merge into the sacred music cream from whence you came.

WHY THE MASTERS USE DIRECTLY HEATED TRIODES

Let us never again talk about perfection unless we are talking about
trout fishing in New Zealand, lets instead accept the facts of life of
audio...when you have the right combination of distortion magic happens...you
are able to induce self-hypnosis. I now posture that the single most important
element in the self-hypnosis process is a profile of harmonic distortion
that is perfect for you. This may seem an ass-backwards way to approach
the audio arts, but it is reality. This also explains why the world is
going gah gah over these ancient tubes in their modern form...there is
something about the distortion profile of these tubes that makes them
extremely powerful hypnotic tools.

We all know that transistors can produce vanishing low levels of distortion,
which is what they are really good at...but when it comes to authentic
music.....????? So what does that tell us about the pursuit of perfectly
low distortion?

When I compare my single-ended triodes to my push/pull amplifiers it
is obvious that the single-ended amps are much higher in distortion, but
the kind of distortion they make is positively hypnotic....and I believe
this explains why the highest IQ segment of the tribe is flocking to these
technically feeble circuits...If it taste like watermelon, and If it smells
like watermelon, and it looks like watermelon, I dont care what you call
it...it is watermelon. If it feels like authentic music...it must be,
and anyone who tells me that what I am experiencing is not authentic should
renew their membership in the Nazi party.

Single-ended directly heated triode amplifiers are a very
bitter pill for many down the middle audio engineers to accept...they
make no sense to a world dominated by osciliscopes........which some believe
know more about music than our testicles.

NOW LET US TAKE A PAUSE FOR SOME CRITICAL COMMENTSFROM THOSE WHO ARE HOLDING ON TO THEIR MOLDY AUDIO CHEESE:

Dear Gizmo,

Boy are you stupid. Everyone knows that lower distortion is better than
higher distortion, which is why a Panasonic receiver with .000000001 %
distortion should sound better than your stupid single-ended amp that
may have more than 5% distortion.

Mr. Audio Engineer.

Dear Dr. Gizmo,

You are a dangerous anarchist, and you are confusing customers. People
want to be told what to do and what to buy, so stop confusing them by
making this such a personal process.

Mr. Pissed Off Store Owner

Dear Dr. Gizmo,

What kind of weirdo are you? Whats this shit about self-hypnosis. State
of the art audio equipment is supposed to accurately reproduce the sound
of the New York Philharmonic is our living rooms. Shape up and get back
on board before they take you away to Nutville.

Angry Audiophile

NOW BACK TO OUR ILLUSION

The best of you know best how to create the music illusion in your living
room that disconnects you from earthly gravity and lets your musical soul
ascend. All of our struggling to create a completely dematerial art form
serves our need to become dematerial ourselves. And again this explains
the ascendancy of directly heated triodes...they are supercharged tools
that shatter our gravity bonds and permits us to float freely.

You are in charge of your illusion...and that includes your religion,
your ideas about love, who you marry and your audio system, and when you
read one of those intellectually despotic arguments that tells you why
one type of circuit is better than another...pause for a moment...and
remember..... you are really reading an article about WHAT
YOU SHOULD LOVE! It is important to be well educated, but four
million years of human development has gotten us to the point of humility
where we are confident enough to discount all of the SHOULD
LOVE that surrounds us. Our music heart is too powerful
to be bossed around.

YOU SHOULD NOT LOVE SINGLE-ENDED TRIODES. YOU SHOULD
LOVE TRANSISTOR AMPS. YOU SHOULD LOVE DIGITAL. YOU SHOULD BE A GOOD BOY
AND OBEY THE REALLY SMART AUDIO ENGINEERS.

Or, you will struggle to create exactly the right combination
of audio gizmos that so deeply effect the cream filled regions of your
soul that you will dissolve into the One Harmonic Which is Many. Which
is why all over the world so many are flocking to directly heated triodes....just
watch the swinging crystal...your eyes are getting heavy...your eyes are
getting heavy.....

A NEW TRIODE GUILD URINE ANALYSIS SERVICE
WHAT IF YOU ARE CONFUSED BY ALL OF THIS, OR ARE JUST A BEGINNER?

I recognize that this will confuse many, especially those who are just
beginning to explore this process of artistic self-expression. You rightfully
ask....If there is no authority, who will guide me, when I am such a novice?
I recognize this problem so I am starting a new service for the novice.

Just send me a small bottle of your urine with a $100 bill ( cash only,
no checks) and I will analyze your unique body chemistry and advise you
on what kind of audio equipment to buy. This is the only right way for
any one to recommend equipment because it is based on what is completely
unique about you, and completely obsoletes anyones recommended component
list. This fee does not include any pregnancy tests or tests for
rare and incurable diseases.

Those wise guys who have been sending me horse and chicken urine to test
the integrity of my process have discovered....my taste buds are too
refined to be fooled.

Hippies were right when they said...Do your thing...because when it comes
to the audio arts....it is only thing worth doing.