Kravitz: Bevilaqua, White decry HJR-3 push

Jan. 30, 2014

Indiana Fever assistant coach Stephanie White,right, talks with Briann January,left, in the first half of their game Saturday, June 4, 2011, evening at Conseco Fieldhouse in Indianapolis. Matt Kryger / The Star

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Tully Bevilaqua, former Indiana Fever player (pants), and her gay partner, Lindsay Bevilaqua, at their wedding ceremony at Eagle Creek Park in Indianapolis in spring of 2013. They are business partners, also, as owners of Gym41, a fitness facility that offers boot camps and personal training, on the Northeastside.

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This is a political column, so for those who don’t believe sports types should be meddling in real-world affairs, stop reading immediately and save yourself the aggravation.

But for those people who have been affected by Indiana’s gay marriage laws, and those who might be impacted by placing a ban on same-sex marriage in the state’s constitution, the issue is of utmost importance.

On Wednesday, I spoke to former Indiana Fever player Tully Bevilaqua and former Purdue and WNBA player and current Fever assistant and broadcaster Stephanie White. Both are married to women and both have children, Bevilaqua two and White three. Both have understandably strong feelings about what has happened in our state, and what might happen in our state. They do not claim to speak for the Fever any more than I speak for the Indianapolis Star; that said, I agree with every word both of these brave women spoke Wednesday.

I wondered, if they could speak to proponents of the gay marriage ban, what would they say?

“I guess I would like to invite them into our home and let them see what a family we are,” said Bevilaqua, who adopted her two children. “We’re no different from any other kind of family. We do the same things, have just as much love in the house, and our children are growing up to be great little citizens of Indiana.

“It’s just so frustrating. The scary part for us is if something unfortunate was to happen to our significant other and the protections we don’t have, we don’t have the ability to be there for them, in terms of making decisions for them.’’

Said White: “As a tax-paying citizen, I’d like to have the same rights as anybody else. Any time you single out or separate or segregate a group of people, that’s not what leadership is about. Leadership is about inclusion. Leadership is about equality. We want our leaders to represent all of us, not just part of us.’’

Indiana is one of 33 states where same-sex marriage is banned. If the constitutional amendment passes, it will more strictly codify the laws that restrict gay marriage and make it more difficult to change in the future.

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For both, it’s sad and dispiriting to see their state — one where White grew up, one that has been adopted by the Australia-born Bevilaqua — stand on the wrong side of history.

It has reached the point where both women have contemplated leaving the state.

“For me, playing here for six years, marrying someone from Southern Indiana, I love it here; it’s a great place to raise children,’’ Bevilaqua said. “But it’s raised the question of whether we’re willing to stay here should Indiana decide to ban same-sex marriages. We have a (fitness) business here, we provide a service to the community, we’re doing all the right things that warrant being treated equally. But if Indiana bans same-sex marriages, are we prepared to go someplace where we’ll be fully accepted?’’

Said White: “As someone who grew up here, it’s just disheartening. I was brought up in a small town, but I was brought up to see more than just what’s in front of me. Any time you have tunnel vision and you’re not open and compassionate to all people, that’s wrong. … It’s disappointing that in a state where I grew up and a state that I love, there are people who don’t view the world like that, don’t respect other people, don’t have compassion for other people and don’t believe all people should be treated equally.

“We were talking about it the other day, I was saying, ‘Shoot, maybe I don’t need to make my home base here.’ It certainly does make you think, if my family is going to grow up here and be treated differently from any other family, is that a place you want to be part of?’’

Both women previously were married to men. Both had the courage to come out and accept themselves for who and what they are. And for that, they are denied some simple rights that heterosexual couples take completely for granted. Things like being forced to file separate tax returns instead of one as a couple; things like limits on visitation rights at hospitals, power of attorney should one partner get sick, the ability to collect on money left behind in a will by the significant other.

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That doesn’t even mention the fact they had to get married out of state, Bevilaqua in Washington, D.C., and White in Orange County, Calif.

But this goes far beyond the sorts of red tape they have to deal with in their day-to-day lives. It’s about something much bigger than that: equality. Acceptance. Human rights. Respect.

Both of them worry, if HJR-3 goes to a public vote, how will their young children be affected by the blitzkrieg of advertising by the vocal proponents of the Gay Marriage Ban?

“We don’t want our children hearing that we’re not a normal family,’’ Bevilaqua said. “The scary thing is we may get subjected to however many months of advertisements, showing that we’re not normal or not allowed the same rights. I heard a story the other day, with what’s been going on with this (the Gay Marriage Ban), a child asked one of his mothers, ‘Which one of you will be leaving?’ And it just breaks your heart. People don’t realize how it will affect our children.’’

White hears about the “sanctity of marriage’’ from Gay Marriage Ban proponents and scoffs.

”I ask, um, what’s the divorce rate?’’ White said. “The divorce rate is so high, plenty of people are making a mockery of marriage. The hoops you have to jump through (as a member of a same-sex couple), the red tape, to have a family, a lot of people take it for granted. That doesn’t make a mockery of marriage or the family. That makes us sure that’s what we want and it strengthens our bond and the impact we have on our children.

“… I’m a little embarrassed for the millennials. To them, this is ludicrous: ‘Are you kidding me?’ They’re so open and embrace everyone and they give me the courage to step up for what’s right. The ones that are hanging on have a narrow mind or a narrow viewpoint. You first have to open up your heart before you open up your mind.’’

This wasn’t easy for either of them. Wasn’t easy for either one to leave their first marriage and acknowledge their true nature. Isn’t easy for them to speak out about the political hot potato that is currently getting tossed around in the Statehouse. But it’s too important to stay silent.

As the women spoke, Bevilaqua’s life partner, Lindsay, held 10-month-old Mackenzie and tried to maintain control of rambunctious 2½-year-old Parker as he ran around the Bankers Life Fieldhouse practice floor.