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Monday, September 19, 2011

Keeping your sociopath interested

At the risk of this blog becoming even more like a woman's magazine, from a reader:

I have a question:

I know a person with (admitted) sociopathic qualities. I've know this man for many years and I've been completely in love with him all of that time. I do whatever he wants, and I work hard at keeping myself within his accepted types of behaviour. I avoid, for the most part, challenging him with emotional stuff. I present a challenge which he succeeds at, in bending me to his will. I do this in full knowledge of the probable extent of his attachment to me. He has put trust in me though, and tells me more now than he used to.

My question is, in this state, where I present him with anything he wishes coupled with a challenge in some part of controlling me, is he likely to get bored? Will my acceptance of how he is make him more likely to make use of me for longer? Is there anything I can do that might keep his interest?

Yes, I really do want to keep rather than get rid of him. He is rather fantastic for me, as I am rather unusual.

M.E.: I don't think there's ever one thing people can do to keep a sociopath interested. I actually think that most relationships with sociopaths end because the empath gets fed up with the arrangement. Even if they don't realize it, they start becoming more difficult, and not in the fun challenge-y sort of way that sociopaths like. They no longer are willing to suspend disbelief and allow the sociopath's charm to work on them. If they're not willing to play the game the way the sociopath likes it to be played, the sociopath just moves on to find someone who will. I think that's the right answer. Thoughts?

252 comments:

Most of my relationships end before they end, if you know what I mean.

I get bored or irritated with my partner to intolerable levels (usually boredom) and then the sex becomes less impassioned, less frequent, more like a chore, and then the whole thing starts feeling like a charade that doesn't have much of a payoff.

I'm not a cheater though, not in the sense of sleeping with other women while I'm still in a relationship. Sometimes I will flirt/network aggressively with other women before I dump the current one. It all depends on how long the current relationship has been going for and the context of the split though. It's not always me calling it off, or something mutual.

The few times I've been dumped by women, did it because, well, I think they saw through me over time. They became more guarded and suspicious, more analytical of my actions, and one even commented that when my passion seemed to taper off, it become obvious there wasn't any compassion left to fill in the blanks.

Simply put, either he'll get bored with you and leave (unless you're too useful, like a sugar momma) or you'll get fed up with him. That seems to be the common consensus for non-abusive sociopathic partners. Sometimes it deviates, but not too often.

I guess the key to this sort of relationship is finding someone willing to deal with your shit from the get-go. It's difficult for me to even try that. I'm so used to forming a mold to whoever I befriend or become lovers with that to break that automatic reaction is going to be tough, and premeditated.

Nah reader, I think you are doomed. You can keep being a tool obliging to his every whim, and he'll grow bored of you, or you can stir up some drama every once in a while, and he will get irritated because you are annoying. It all comes down to having some form of an original personality. If you are a boring person, you are a boring person, and there will be nothing that you can do to keep someone who is not interested there.

Personally, you sound a lil' pathetic in your desire to stay a tool, and that alone shows you have no self esteem. Just a warning, they don't tend to favor those with no self esteem. They eat folk like you for breakfast, and shit you out by lunch.

Personally, you sound a lil' pathetic in your desire to stay a tool, and that alone shows you have no self esteem. Just a warning, they don't tend to favor those with no self esteem. They eat folk like you for breakfast, and shit you out by lunch.

Pretty much.

Personally, I love the drama. That's why it worked out so well (and so long) with my beeper. Being dull, boring, or disagreeable all the damn time will drive me away. But being out there and crazy? It gives me something to do, some spice in life. Even if I'm thinking, "What the fuck is happening now," subconsciously and to some extent consciously, I'm enjoying it.

No offense tnp, but how do you fancy yourself as a psychopath if you wouldn't even cheat on a partner? That would be nothing to a psychopath, even beating your partner to a pulp would be nothing to a psychopath.

The challenege is getting you to believe whatever facade he presents to you. He wants to be able to do almost anything, and be able to fool you, and doubt yourself. It's like a honeymoon phase. The thrill is in the capture, the allure, the charm. Once that passes, it becomes dull, and you become a liability.

You live to serve him so you don't get a say in what he does with you and you can't control any of this. There's an endless number of people like you in the world so you'll probably only be kept around until he finds next years model. Just sit back and enjoy your life of servitude while it lasts.

Erin never planned to leave. It had nothing to do with the asteroid really. She could have stepped in dog shit that day and taken it as a sign. She won't leave because nobody wants to spend any time around her in the real world because she's too dull and obnoxious. She comes here because it's the only she can socialise without people taking a restraining order out on her.

You can't ignore me or my words. You're too wrapped up in your own insecurity and self-loathing to.

That's why you make up stories about sexual abuse, dead sons, and your divination through the stars.

You're so desperate for attention that you come to a sociopath site as a victim just so you can be abused. Everywhere else saw what you really are and rejected you. You've given up and decided to reside here where your lashings and shame are denigrated by your own self-righteous Christian facade, as you justify that you are better than the rest of us, and therefore can discount what we say.

You're anything but a Christian or Psychic. You're just a magnet demanding attention from any source that will give it.

I'm personally not a fan of the subservient weak-willed women. I like spitfires, hotheads, and intelligent women with a rocking body. Not some milk-maid slave, baby factory. I don't find that remotely appealing. I like someone I can twist horns with and argue, debate, et cetera, and occasionally be take off guard or lose. Otherwise, I just stagnate.

As I get older, this is getting more difficult, as most women that fit that description are extremely cynical and bitter. My current partner is book smart, and intelligent, but she's completely indecisive and goes along for the ride, wherever it takes her. Sometimes that's handy, other times it is annoying as fuck.

I don't really recall asking you Why, you don't go out into the world. Not really.

What I'm after is some kind of morbid morsel I can nuzzle. Some twisted tidbit, that gives me a key into your odd, and childish mentality. There so much lacking in what pitch:

Here is what you sound like:(Hypothetical Conversation)

Me: Erin, why are you afraid of the sun?

You: Well,I don't really know when it started.Maybe when I went numb, and the coldest ice,like a thousand snowstorms ,made me freeze, and my dad said my mom was ok.

Not really a juicy story is it?Just sounds like A+A=A-

Here is what I'd rather hear:

Me: Erin, what do you do every day since you don't go out into the world? How do you get groceries.

You: I call a delivery service, and give them a list of what I need from the store. Then a young man comes to my door, and knowing that I don't want to be seen; grabs the key from my flower pot of only dirt and death, and enters the house while I hide behind the staircase.

I start to sweat, and pray to god he doesn't smell the stench coming from my bedroom, where I keep the corpses of all my dolled up dogs.

I hear him humming to himself, a tune so sweet it threatens to draw me up from the fetal position I rock myself in.

The smell of a his fresh skin, makes me wish I could be my old self again. Before my mind was poisoned with the idea, that life outside this house is a threat waiting around every corner, and filled with people who can read my every thought, and see me naked to my soul.

I hear the door click shut, and a sigh of relief once again... but I'm still shaking like a wet dog, small and fragile; waiting for the long hand on the clock to pass the five. Only then can I stand up and not be afraid that god will strike me dead!

I thought someone here promised not to take up so much space anymore. And you just know the only reason David shared his community service with us is so Erin could tell him she feels sorry for him. You're not lonely? Please, I might die laughing.~

It could be changed, but she'd have to wipe his memory and start over. When they first met, she apparently presented herself in such a way that the guy saw her is an easy target for some simple fun. Not some kind of long-lasting mutual respect kind of relationship. She's essentially providing the means to fill an instant-gratification kind of need. If she would start to change her 'role' now, that would probably mean that she would get 'fired', and not 're-assigned'.

I don't really have a problem with people thinking I'm someone I'm not. What really bugs me though, is that, evidently, David is more trustworthy than I am, and his word is to be believed over mine... That's the annoying part.

@WheatleyAbout the Abigail blog. Yeah sure there are so many 17y old self proclaimed sociopaths out there who use the nickname 'wheatley' and addicently share some of the same interests. We sure believe you, after all it's a big world isn't it ...

@WheatleyBtw you shouldn't smirk when you write that I pretend not to be lonely. I've even wrote here, and let me quote myself; "since I live in this new town where I don't know one person and not having contact with anyone I'm sometimes so lonely it at times feels excrutiating".

I may be a pompous prick, but I'm real and not delusional, miss punctuation.

I have a nephew who is OCD. He sometimes tells me what it's like to be inside his head. Smart kid. Far less screwed up than my sister's other children. He's no house case though, but he Did have to be put in a special school. He's my favorite of all my nephews.

Kid's a verifiable genius, but kind of socially retarded. And he has spazz attacks once or twice a day like indoor cats do where he has to circle around the lower floor of the house over and over again, in a sort of skipping-like fashion, oblivious to everything going on around him.

He goes deep into some kind of mind space (probably mentally sorting, cataloging and itemizing Star Wars Lego pieces), but if you ask him what he's thinking about (you're lucky if he even hears you ask him), he'll shrug and say "I don't know."

I'm trying to crack your head open. The fact that you repeat yourself over and over, and can't seem to give life to anything you say, along with your strange grammar, and dramatic attempts at metaphors and analogy... is kind of fascinating to me.

The habits of other people, can be fascinating, but only remains so when those habits blossom into a flesh and blood story.

David only shows humility because he thinks it makes him look better. He was completely different when he first arrived. As I said before, whenever you attack him for a while he reverts back to the David he was when he first arrived. The David who boasts about wine and cigars and money he make from selling his shithole. As if we're supposed to be impressed. He's still a delusional fuck.

"If you are lonely, why do you keep saying you don't care about company? Why don't you go out and meet people?"

@WheatleyMost of the time I don't need company no, but these days it's 0.0, and apparently even that's too much for me. People that pass for 'you now what' don't count, most of the time it's just some chit chat because we have to say something.

I'm at a crosspoint in my life. I'll have to do my best to get community work that I 'can do', I think I'm not able to have the humiliation of cleaning the streets (for 190 hours, that's 5 weeks), but the alternative is 3 and 7 'months', and with the community work I keep my blanco record. I'll use the cardio problems I've had in the past so I can get something easy like in a library or something like that. If I was religious I would pray for it, I don't see myself going through the humiliation of doing public cleaning work.

I've seen it all in the country where I live now, I want a new start. I'm looking into the possibility to move (7000 to 8000 'miles' from where I live now after the community work is done, let's say within 6 to 9 months). I've been thinking about it for over a year, and now I've started looking into it in detail.

My life is just too boring right now, I need action. It can't last the way it is now, or I'll scam some people for a huge amount so I force myself to be on the run and have excitement, my life is just too pointless and boring now, it can't go on like this.

@MisIt isn't humility, what I write is true. I'm in a boring stage in my life, and it needs to change. The legal problems forced me to go low profil the last year and at this moment. If I want to have a chance to relocate I need that blanco record. I guess you know that relocating with a criminal record is almost impossible, unless you want to live somewhere illegal (and that's just an option for a couple of years). Yeah I know even with a criminal record I have 27 countries where I can live and work without any problem, but I've seen Europe, I need a new playground where the landscapes are beautiful and the air is fresh.

@ErinOther than my native language I speak fluent french (no accent, I have family that is French), fluent english (some American accent, for a non-American I could play being American, I couldn't fool an American), German (limited but I can make good basic conversation, never like the language), some limited Hebrew. Some Italian ans Spanish to make very basic conversation such as reading the menu and ordering in a restaurant ...

"I've had some amazing relationships. I need so much attention in a relationship. I need romance up the wazoo. I need roses every day. If I'm not getting enough romance, I get really bummed."

I remember our encounter in Rome. She had been vacationing on the Riviera with the very rich and complained of all the coddling and spa treatments she had received at the four-star hotels. 'What do you want me to do, slap you in the face and throw a drink in your face?' I asked sarcastically. 'Oh, please?' she pleaded."

In sixth grade, she was kicked out of Grace Church School. She says classmates picked on her for being too skinny. One day she just lost it. "I broke a chair over a girl's head," she says flatly.

"They write roles for mature women in Europe. Americans -- they don't get it. They make women look ugly. Then they all make fun of them. It's really a cruel culture. I'm half European and I feel more European than American inside. I'm a Spanish woman. I'm in the wrong country and wrong era." [She's from Soho, NYC]

Before she walks back to her apartment, she takes a last sip of her tea and slowly rolls up her pant leg to reveal a large tattoo of a cobra that snakes its way down to her toe. She got it about a year ago on Sunset Boulevard. "It's to remind myself that I can transform," she explains, slowly rubbing the ink on her leg as if petting the serpent to awaken it. "I can peel away layers of skin. I can constantly change myself."

"When you say he touched you, you mean in a Hitachi Magic Wand kind of way?I mean, come on, he’s a ghost. I felt his spirit go through me and give me pleasure. I experienced that when my cat died. She waited until I got home from Sundance, and she passed away the second she was in my arms, and I felt her spirit go through my body. But this was different. It was like Elvis was tickling me with a feather."

The pluto shit has been way too accurate, though. I only know about it because I had a friend that went to astrology school and she wrote me one day after randomly looking at my chart and was like "dude, you got some real shit coming up, it's gonna be fucked".

Before she walks back to her apartment, she takes a last sip of her tea and slowly rolls up her pant leg to reveal a large tattoo of a cobra that snakes its way down to her toe. She got it about a year ago on Sunset Boulevard. "It's to remind myself that I can transform," she explains, slowly rubbing the ink on her leg as if petting the serpent to awaken it. "I can peel away layers of skin. I can constantly change myself."

I stay interested in my wife because she is growing and she is growing in the right direction. We had a tough time when she became disillusioned. It's hard to keep the magic going when someone knows all your tricks. In my experience they eventually do. My wife always knew I was a bastard, but I don't think she knew the extent. She's just coming out of the phase where she thinks everything I do has a evil twist on it. She doesn't want to be seen as a sucker, so she tries to call me out on everything. It became annoying because sometimes I'm not doing something for self interest or being malicious. Sometimes I'm just being human. When I have conversations with her she thinks I'm manipulating her anytime I ask a question. In general the way I talk to people in real life is probably riddled with manipulation, but if that's the way I talk all the time then I can't help it. I had told her a long time ago how to get people to say yes on the answer you want by making them say yes to questions previously in the conversation over and over. The trick is to ask them questions you know they will say yes to. The last question you ask them is the question you really want a yes on. Or when I give people two choices. Both of them in my favor. Would you like to do that for me on tuesday or wednesday? I have a lot of tricks that I throw into my conversations that I do naturally or that I have learned but used so much that they just regularly come out without me thinking of it.I have gone through that time where it all seems like shite. I get rid of the girl because I used to like seeing the fresh believing face that looks at you like you are a god. Now, being 30 I realize it is just naivety looking at you like god and I don't really value naivety as much as I value someone like my wife's perspective. With new women they swallow everything you tell them, which in the short term seems great. However, when you are surrounded by weak people you become weak yourself.She has changed a lot from when I met her. She was just like Medusa. She's a tom boy and likes to do shit guys can do. For some reason after a year or so she started getting to be Suzy Homemaker and this nurturing aspect of her came out she didn't know was there. She didn't know what to do with herself. She said it was my over masculine nature that brought it out but I suspect it was always there, but supressed for protection till she found the person she feels is right for her.I'm still interested in her. Sure I get nasty and she gets insecure sometimes, but all and all we have a very tight and close relationship. I haven't had one that lasted this length without me becoming uninterested.

has anyone tried going on facebook, getting dirt on someone in a different state, calling their high school counselor imitating them, and asking about careers involving social engineering, seduction, manipulation, killing people... as well as asking for more resources on those topics? might be an interesting phone call to listen in on. could either get rejected entirely, chastised, or find someone whos just like us.

Some of her relationships have been disastrous. She is still recovering from a yearlong love affair with Scott Weiland, the Stone Temple Pilots junkie. He drifted in and out of rehab as Paz tried her best to help him. (“At least I know what that’s like,” she now says.) But it would be a mistake to assume that Paz’s insatiable appetites indicate a lack of control. “Paz treats relationships like a short film that she is directing,” says Donald Cumming, her first boyfriend and the lead singer of the Virgins. “She was 17, and we had this amazing night together. For two weeks, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. She wouldn’t return my calls, and I was just heartbroken. Finally, I ran into her at a house party. She spotted me from across the room and then she took the longest possible route, saying hello to everyone along the way. When she finally reached me, she asked me, ‘Are you in love with me yet?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Good. You can be my boyfriend then.’ ”

Wheatley is from the UK, they binge drink over there at her age. You should see the documentaries they made about it, it's really sad. I like the English very much, but it's interesting (sometimes to the point of confusing) how a people with such great history and class can have such a large and extreme lower class that behave like pigs (I'm not saying Wheatley is - some hotels in southern Europe actually refuse English tourists).

It's sad to see these British kids laying in their own vomit, walking the streets not knowing what there first name is anymore, drinking so much that they have liver disease after a couple of years.

I'm a chique alcoholic (have your laugh, please :-), I've never acted drunk in public. When I had a few drinks I'm funny and more social. Then I go home and drink some more and cry at some emotional movie (these are the only times I'm able to feel strong emotions, when I'm pissed).

So wheatley, if you need advice on using antabuse in a couple of years, let me know.

I just had a family member come out to me as one, and wants me to help him look more girly. The thing is he's only 21, and is in the process of looking for work... I'm not sure what to say to him. I'm kind of surprised too, but don't want to react in a way that would scare him off. I always thought he was odd in that aspie kind of way... didn't see this coming at all.

@EdenI knew a transexual when I worked at a bar when I was very young (+/- 15y ago). He/she became very annoying after a while. The transgender/operation stuff was the only thing she talked about, and about buying female clothes.

I would have gladly cut if off to make him/her shut up and talk about something else.

I'm not an expert, but alcohol is a depressant. That means that it hampers certain neurological processes (depending on the depressant, it differs). If you're only able to feel strong emotions when you're drunk, that could mean that your normal ' emotionlessness' is caused by some internal factor suppressing them, not because of hampered neuropsychological development preventing you from processing the needed information. Thoughts?

I've only known two people who have taken the transgendered route. Neither knew each other, both were in different parts of the country, and they both came out to me in the same month. It was very strange.

That wasn't me. Earlier. Erin forget it. I'm not putting my details on this forum to fill your need for attention. I watched you today and you are different than what I thought. Very strange and somewhat childish like most on here.

So he probably has a lot of pent up sexual frustration (and confusion) regarding his sex life.

Maybe you should secretly get him an escort and see just how willing he is to abandon vagina land. That, or a loosey goosey friend that owes you a favor :p

I can't remember what the name of it is, but there is a named effect that occurs in the brain which basically prevents you from being sexually attracted to your immediate family. Some people apparently don't have it at all, while more often times than not sibling incest is about curiosity and or raging hormones that don't have a healthy outlet. Which do you think he is?

Yeah... he's got to be really frustrated by this point, and maybe his curiosity toward my sister, was more to do with his longing to be feminine like her. Sort of like warped admiration?

He's been texting me all of this, so we've not been face to face.I just asked him if what gender he's attracted to, and his reply was that he thinks he's attracted to both, but leaning towards women more.

I just quit smokibg myself. Use those e cigarettes. They are the best way to go. You can get them without nicotine too so you aren't substituting addictions, but most people start with high and gradually go to low. I keep one around for when I go off, which is at least once a day.

I went off on my wife today because she weakened our position with the landlord. She said I could handle it, but the wife called her to circumvent me saying I was unreasonable and she took the call and negotiated a compromise. I don't want a compromise. We had them on the ropes and now they are back in the fucking fight.

A lot of people I know have gone the e-cig route. I tried it myself a few months back. What I've noticed is that people who use the e-cig don't stop, even if it is the nicotine free type.

My plan of attack has been working pretty well so far. I made sure to buy a pack before I started cutting back. Normally I smoke high grade cigarettes, but I bought a pack of 27s. Every time I fly off the handle and want one to chill out, I get sort of squeamish about smoking them. When you go a day or two without them, you get your sense of smell and taste back, and they smell and taste awful, so it's sort of like a punishment cigarette.

I personally like the e-cigs, but they didn't help me quit or cut back. They're more like a portable electric hookah to me, which in itself is pretty cool.

Actually Medusa, not at all. My girl started up smoking again from spending too much time with me. She had quit for almost twelve years, too.

I'm going to be breaking it off with her in a few days, probably. She's going abroad for a while and I don't feel like waiting. I could use some more spice in my life too. Business is less hectic and is steady, and I'm getting very bored.

Cigars are what actually lulled me back into smoking again in the first place.

I started smoking cigars at the age of 18, I smoked cigarettes from the age of 20 to 22. I just stopped one day, although I was working in a smoking environment at that time.

Now I've been smoking a couple of cigars a week for many years. Every year or so I try to smoke a cigarette but it has absolutely no taste for me, and it literally feels like a joke when I take that tiny cigarette between my fingers, I'm used smoking robusto cigars.

I go through phases with smoking, same as I go through phases with sugar, and caffeine. It's all about the sugar and caffeine lately, but I know that just makes my mania more difficult to keep in check.

Since you always stick around even after you say you're going to bed: I meant my question at 1:33 PM, although I'm sure you know that. Anyway, have fun pretending you did log off immediately after posting. :)

I quit because I promised myself I would at thirty. The fact everyone said I wouldn't made me more obstinate. I don't fuck up my own stuff david. I just make everyones life who's involved in getting in my way extremely difficult. Moment: This bum came to my window in the parkig lot just now and asked me for change while I was typing this and I ignored him. He got pissed and said, "what are you not even going to acknowledge me"I said, "why should I. The rest of the world doesn't."

Medusa why would you even call that loser. Move on. Once you dunk something in the rubbish bin don't bother trying to get it back out. Just go find another fuck, but this time less delsusional.By the way my wife is in feburary.

I'm somewhat new to this area, and it's Huge. She's been here for about ten years, and knows a lot of places, but is so fucking indecisive it drives me nuts. Several times I picked her up in my auto, went on a driving adventure, and didn't stop until I saw a restaurant or form of entertainment which she was ok with.

Usually I'd have to ask her what she didn't want to do via 20 questions style to deduce what she wanted to do.

Sometimes I'd pick stuff out before but I'm not much of a planner, so this relationship has been frustrating in the going out and doing stuff department. She's usually content with getting coffee in her neighborhood which I rarely entertain. I want to go out and live, dammit.

Smart to have space between lovers. I usually have three or four month, but sometimes I do what not. Able does and put a backup plan down before I leave. Its good to have a job before you quit the other.

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Of course, my default is still to intuitively analyze every outcome and situation and achieve the best result, but it's more interesting to let people remain a variable and go in their own direction, rather than nudging them in the direction I prefer. Interacting with people WITHOUT trying to control them is a new paradigm for me.