Are we over reacting?

Okay, so DH and I let our 4 y/o and 21 m/o stay with MIL for a few days a couple weeks ago. My kids are very very very sensitive to sunburns so they have to be slathered with sunscreen with the biggest SPF you can find and they need it applied and re applied constantly. Especially since we live at a high elevation and are closer to the sun it's very easy to get a bad burn fast (i've only had these problems myself while living here.)

Also, MIL has bikes for not only my kids but my niece as well and we asked if they had helmets because if not I would have gotten ALL of the kids helmets. She said they did.

Well, when we went to see if the kids wanted to come home, they were at the park, a good 2 miles at least from MIL's house, on their bikes with no helmets and both of my kids were sunburnt. I asked MIL where the helmets were and her response was "She's doing fine." It really upset me which could have been the pregnancy hormones, but it felt like she didn't care about my feelings about MY child. And about the sunburn she just brushed it off with "oh they got that yesterday." My daughter (the 4 y/o) was so burnt that she couldn't lift her arms over her shoulders for a day and would cry when we changed her clothes.

DH didn't hear all of this but when I told him he had the kids come over and checked them out. He got very upset and didn't say a word to MIL just put the kids in the car and we left. When we got home, my son had sneakers on and no socks so he was covered in blisters AND both kids were covered in moisquito bites. DH asked DD if gramma put bug spray on them and she said no. So DH said that unless I disagree, the kids are not to go with gramma until she has helmets, sunscreen, bug spray, socks and anything else that they need. And if she doesn't, then she needs to tell us so we can get it for her.

I completely agree. Like DH says, MIL insisted that he and his siblings wore helmets and sunscreen and all of that when they were kids and would ground them if they weren't being responsible...why is it different for our kids? Also she has ruined a brand new pair of sneakers of my daughters and borrowed another pair for my neice and lost them. DH and I feel that she isn't capable of caring for our children.... MIL hasn't said anything to us, but some of our family and friends have said that we are taking it too far and overreacting and that it's not fair to the kids because they can't stay with gramma....

What do you think?

Okay, so DH and I let our 4 y/o and 21 m/o stay with MIL for a few days a couple weeks ago. My kids are very very very sensitive to sunburns so they have to be slathered with sunscreen with the biggest SPF you can find and they need it applied and re applied constantly. Especially since we live at a high elevation and are closer to the sun it's very easy to get a bad burn fast (i've only had these problems myself while living here.)

Also, MIL has bikes for not only my kids but my niece as well and we asked if they had helmets because if not I would have gotten ALL of the kids helmets. She said they did.

Well, when we went to see if the kids wanted to come home, they were at the park, a good 2 miles at least from MIL's house, on their bikes with no helmets and both of my kids were sunburnt. I asked MIL where the helmets were and her response was "She's doing fine." It really upset me which could have been the pregnancy hormones, but it felt like she didn't care about my feelings about MY child. And about the sunburn she just brushed it off with "oh they got that yesterday." My daughter (the 4 y/o) was so burnt that she couldn't lift her arms over her shoulders for a day and would cry when we changed her clothes.

DH didn't hear all of this but when I told him he had the kids come over and checked them out. He got very upset and didn't say a word to MIL just put the kids in the car and we left. When we got home, my son had sneakers on and no socks so he was covered in blisters AND both kids were covered in moisquito bites. DH asked DD if gramma put bug spray on them and she said no. So DH said that unless I disagree, the kids are not to go with gramma until she has helmets, sunscreen, bug spray, socks and anything else that they need. And if she doesn't, then she needs to tell us so we can get it for her.

I completely agree. Like DH says, MIL insisted that he and his siblings wore helmets and sunscreen and all of that when they were kids and would ground them if they weren't being responsible...why is it different for our kids? Also she has ruined a brand new pair of sneakers of my daughters and borrowed another pair for my neice and lost them. DH and I feel that she isn't capable of caring for our children.... MIL hasn't said anything to us, but some of our family and friends have said that we are taking it too far and overreacting and that it's not fair to the kids because they can't stay with gramma....

I don't think you are over reacting. You aren't saying the kids can NEVER see your MIL, they just can't be completely in her care right now. You have every right to talk with her and tell her that the helmets are a law and the kids need to wear them. Give her the facts that kids have died from accidents on bikes and they weren't wearing helmets that would have saved their lives. I'm sure she doesn't want anything bad to happen to her grandkids. As far as the sunscreen, tell her the same thing. That the more sunburned they get the greater the chances for skin cancer when they are older. It's just a sad fact of our lives now. Untill she is able to care for them the way you want, she can't be alone with them. I have a simular problem with my FIL not asking me what is OK for my kids to eat. We don't live near them though so they are never really alone with them. I TOTALLY understand your need for your kids to be safe and protected. Good Luck!!

I don't think you are over reacting. You aren't saying the kids can NEVER see your MIL, they just can't be completely in her care right now. You have every right to talk with her and tell her that the helmets are a law and the kids need to wear them. Give her the facts that kids have died from accidents on bikes and they weren't wearing helmets that would have saved their lives. I'm sure she doesn't want anything bad to happen to her grandkids. As far as the sunscreen, tell her the same thing. That the more sunburned they get the greater the chances for skin cancer when they are older. It's just a sad fact of our lives now. Untill she is able to care for them the way you want, she can't be alone with them. I have a simular problem with my FIL not asking me what is OK for my kids to eat. We don't live near them though so they are never really alone with them. I TOTALLY understand your need for your kids to be safe and protected. Good Luck!!

Nope, not over reacting, They are your kids and you decide what they need based on the safety and health concerns you have. Grandparents are notorious for thinking they know better than their kids because they raised kids who are "just fine" now. And they are used to being the ones calling the shots and some find it difficult or threatening when their kids grow up and then have rules for them regarding grandchildren. It can be a hard lesson for them. You are not punishing your MIL, you're just choosing not to send your kids somewhere that you aren't sure they will stay safe. Thank your family and friends for their opinions but keep doing what you think is best. : )

Nope, not over reacting, They are your kids and you decide what they need based on the safety and health concerns you have. Grandparents are notorious for thinking they know better than their kids because they raised kids who are "just fine" now. And they are used to being the ones calling the shots and some find it difficult or threatening when their kids grow up and then have rules for them regarding grandchildren. It can be a hard lesson for them. You are not punishing your MIL, you're just choosing not to send your kids somewhere that you aren't sure they will stay safe. Thank your family and friends for their opinions but keep doing what you think is best. : )

We had a similar problem with my dad a long time ago (my eldest is 13yrs old). You and dh need to have a calm sit down discussion with your MIL. Let her know exactly what is going on.

Dh and I are more conservative parents. We don't let our kids have caffine because they get migranes ...my dad gave my son chocolate before bed after we had told him no. My dad let him stay up and put himself to bed (I said no later than 8p and he was up until 1am as a 4yr old!!) Anything we had said no to-he did. My son spent the whole next day off and on dry heaving because of lack of sleep, nightmares from a scary movie and eating no normal food. He said grandpa gave him "baby asprine for his headache"......you can't give a 4 yr old real aspirine.

In that sit down conversation I outright told him how much I loved him, but that unless he respected our wishes my dad would NEVER be able to have my kids unattended. Dh and I are in agreement still 9 years and 4 kids later.

I think she wanted to give your children "treats" by not inforcing your normalcies. Sunburn is NOT a treat!! Tell her your dd cried and let her know that -it WAS MIL's fault. because it is! Mosquito bites...not a treat...etc. As for the shoes. Things get broken and lost. Let her know that borrowing is no longer allowed, but it is not a young cousins fault if shoes are lost. Just let your MIL know what is at stake.

We had a similar problem with my dad a long time ago (my eldest is 13yrs old). You and dh need to have a calm sit down discussion with your MIL. Let her know exactly what is going on.

Dh and I are more conservative parents. We don't let our kids have caffine because they get migranes ...my dad gave my son chocolate before bed after we had told him no. My dad let him stay up and put himself to bed (I said no later than 8p and he was up until 1am as a 4yr old!!) Anything we had said no to-he did. My son spent the whole next day off and on dry heaving because of lack of sleep, nightmares from a scary movie and eating no normal food. He said grandpa gave him "baby asprine for his headache"......you can't give a 4 yr old real aspirine.

In that sit down conversation I outright told him how much I loved him, but that unless he respected our wishes my dad would NEVER be able to have my kids unattended. Dh and I are in agreement still 9 years and 4 kids later.

I think she wanted to give your children "treats" by not inforcing your normalcies. Sunburn is NOT a treat!! Tell her your dd cried and let her know that -it WAS MIL's fault. because it is! Mosquito bites...not a treat...etc. As for the shoes. Things get broken and lost. Let her know that borrowing is no longer allowed, but it is not a young cousins fault if shoes are lost. Just let your MIL know what is at stake.

I agree with everyone else...you are not overreacting! I would be furious. My MIL has not been allowed to be alone with our children (ages 2 and 13 mos) since I allowed her to take the 2-year-old out front to play and she ended up walking 2 1/2 blocks down a busy street to a 7 11 that is frequently robbed and got her cookies and a slushy. When I told her I was upset with her not talking with me about what she was doing she laughed at me. It was cold that day and when they got back my DD's hands and lips were blue. I was so angry that she would just take off with her like that and that she would totally undermine me as the mother by laughing at me. She has lost my trust and does not babysit anymore. So I think you are right to be cautious about your MIL's interaction with your children. And I think it's great that your husband backs you up.

I agree with everyone else...you are not overreacting! I would be furious. My MIL has not been allowed to be alone with our children (ages 2 and 13 mos) since I allowed her to take the 2-year-old out front to play and she ended up walking 2 1/2 blocks down a busy street to a 7 11 that is frequently robbed and got her cookies and a slushy. When I told her I was upset with her not talking with me about what she was doing she laughed at me. It was cold that day and when they got back my DD's hands and lips were blue. I was so angry that she would just take off with her like that and that she would totally undermine me as the mother by laughing at me. She has lost my trust and does not babysit anymore. So I think you are right to be cautious about your MIL's interaction with your children. And I think it's great that your husband backs you up.

I would be livid! You are not over reacting at all! That woman obviously has no respect for you and your family to disregard your feelings like she did and is clearly incapable of caring for children. I would not let my children go over there anymore either.

I would be livid! You are not over reacting at all! That woman obviously has no respect for you and your family to disregard your feelings like she did and is clearly incapable of caring for children. I would not let my children go over there anymore either.

Your children are not old enough to protect themselves so it is your job to protect them or leave them with someone else who will...you trusted MIL in good faith and she blew it! Even worse is she doesn't seem to think it's that big a deal! What we're talking about here is basic common sense for the safety and wellbeing of your children and the way she has behaved is pretty much neglect. I'm angry for you and if this were to happen to my family I'd insist that DH tell her exactly why her behaviour is unacceptable (it'll be your turn if your family ever pull a similar stunt) and I'd TOTALLY stop her from ever 'babysitting' again, in my mind she lost any entitlement to your trust when she disrespected your caring requests and put your children's safety at risk. Your 'pregnancy hormones' are just fine!

Your children are not old enough to protect themselves so it is your job to protect them or leave them with someone else who will...you trusted MIL in good faith and she blew it! Even worse is she doesn't seem to think it's that big a deal! What we're talking about here is basic common sense for the safety and wellbeing of your children and the way she has behaved is pretty much neglect. I'm angry for you and if this were to happen to my family I'd insist that DH tell her exactly why her behaviour is unacceptable (it'll be your turn if your family ever pull a similar stunt) and I'd TOTALLY stop her from ever 'babysitting' again, in my mind she lost any entitlement to your trust when she disrespected your caring requests and put your children's safety at risk. Your 'pregnancy hormones' are just fine!

You most definitely did not overreact and, in fact, a big congratulations to you on handling the situation the way you did. Unless a child's life was put in danger, there is never a need of yelling, screaming or talking down to your parents or in-laws. I find that handling things "matter-of-factly" is the best way to do things. Rather then causing a scene, a simple "Until you have the necessary iterms to watch our children (helmets, sunscreen, etcetc), they will not be permitted over for unsupervised visits" will do...and you did that! Way to go!

I completely agree with the way you handled things. If someone...anyone...agrees to watch your children, in my opinion they are saying "I will do whatever it takes to keep your child safe and happy". This includes helmets, sunscreen, and the like. You were courteous in asking before hand if she had these items and you were told yes. You've even offered to provide them after the fact! It sounds like your MIL needs to step up and admit she made a mistake.

You most definitely did not overreact and, in fact, a big congratulations to you on handling the situation the way you did. Unless a child's life was put in danger, there is never a need of yelling, screaming or talking down to your parents or in-laws. I find that handling things "matter-of-factly" is the best way to do things. Rather then causing a scene, a simple "Until you have the necessary iterms to watch our children (helmets, sunscreen, etcetc), they will not be permitted over for unsupervised visits" will do...and you did that! Way to go!

I completely agree with the way you handled things. If someone...anyone...agrees to watch your children, in my opinion they are saying "I will do whatever it takes to keep your child safe and happy". This includes helmets, sunscreen, and the like. You were courteous in asking before hand if she had these items and you were told yes. You've even offered to provide them after the fact! It sounds like your MIL needs to step up and admit she made a mistake.

I think you should have made sure she had all of those things, and if she didn't, you should have sent them with your kids. Some people don't think kids need to wear helmets if they are okay with riding a bike. I never wore a helmet and neither did any of my siblings. We're all still alive today with no head injuries. Sunscreen, I would have called to remind someone that they need to sunscreen the kids before they go out. Bug spray, sometimes that doesn't make a whole lot of difference. I know the bugs at my mom's house don't care in the least if you have spray on. Socks, did you not send any socks with your kids?! I don't think it's her responsibility to provide everything that your children will need (aside from food obviously) for them to stay a day or two.

Instead of banning the children from staying at Grandma's house, I would talk to her about what you want and make sure you provide those things. Let her know you were very upset about the last time and how it turned out. It seems to me, that all of those things that you listed, sunburn, bug bites, blisters..are all a part of playing outside during summer. Kids are going to get sunburn, bug bites and blisters. I'm assuming if they were out riding their bikes at the park, that they weren't to bothered by the bites or blisters.

I think you should have made sure she had all of those things, and if she didn't, you should have sent them with your kids. Some people don't think kids need to wear helmets if they are okay with riding a bike. I never wore a helmet and neither did any of my siblings. We're all still alive today with no head injuries. Sunscreen, I would have called to remind someone that they need to sunscreen the kids before they go out. Bug spray, sometimes that doesn't make a whole lot of difference. I know the bugs at my mom's house don't care in the least if you have spray on. Socks, did you not send any socks with your kids?! I don't think it's her responsibility to provide everything that your children will need (aside from food obviously) for them to stay a day or two.

Instead of banning the children from staying at Grandma's house, I would talk to her about what you want and make sure you provide those things. Let her know you were very upset about the last time and how it turned out. It seems to me, that all of those things that you listed, sunburn, bug bites, blisters..are all a part of playing outside during summer. Kids are going to get sunburn, bug bites and blisters. I'm assuming if they were out riding their bikes at the park, that they weren't to bothered by the bites or blisters.

Lisa, the problem I had with the helmet situation is that I DID ask if they had them and offered to get them some if they didn't and MIL said she had some. Now she is asking us to get some for her and we feel lied to. As far as the sunscreen, I left some with MIL and she had some as well. My kids were there for 2 days; according the MIL they got burnt on the first day. And as I said, they were there for 2 days; I sent my son 4 pairs of socks and yet he still had no socks on and had blisters on his feet. As for the bug spray, I agree with you. There are times that having bug spray on doesn't seem to make a difference. However, if you don't put any bug spray on, you definitely won't be protected at all. (And my husband and I had bug spray on at the park when we picked the kids up and neither of us got bit.) And I get concerned because we have not only mosquitos and the West Nile Virus here, but ticks that can carry a variety of diseases as well.

I do not believe that it is her responsibility to provide everything for my children, but I do believe that if she needs a certain level of responsibility to care for my children. DH feels the same way; the way we see it she doesn't meet our standards. My kids are outside ALL day nearly everyday (and my DD is at swimming lessons for the first half of the day) and we don't get sunburns.

Yes I do believe that we need to talk to MIL about it and I do agree that my kids were in high spirits, however, when my 4 y/o is crying and not able to lift her arms above her shoulders because of the sunburns, I think that there is a definite problem. I understand that I can't protect my kids all of the time and that they are going to get sunburns, bites, blisters and a variety of other owwies, but the problems we saw are all preventable.

But thank you for your response and opinion.

Lisa, the problem I had with the helmet situation is that I DID ask if they had them and offered to get them some if they didn't and MIL said she had some. Now she is asking us to get some for her and we feel lied to. As far as the sunscreen, I left some with MIL and she had some as well. My kids were there for 2 days; according the MIL they got burnt on the first day. And as I said, they were there for 2 days; I sent my son 4 pairs of socks and yet he still had no socks on and had blisters on his feet. As for the bug spray, I agree with you. There are times that having bug spray on doesn't seem to make a difference. However, if you don't put any bug spray on, you definitely won't be protected at all. (And my husband and I had bug spray on at the park when we picked the kids up and neither of us got bit.) And I get concerned because we have not only mosquitos and the West Nile Virus here, but ticks that can carry a variety of diseases as well.

I do not believe that it is her responsibility to provide everything for my children, but I do believe that if she needs a certain level of responsibility to care for my children. DH feels the same way; the way we see it she doesn't meet our standards. My kids are outside ALL day nearly everyday (and my DD is at swimming lessons for the first half of the day) and we don't get sunburns.

Yes I do believe that we need to talk to MIL about it and I do agree that my kids were in high spirits, however, when my 4 y/o is crying and not able to lift her arms above her shoulders because of the sunburns, I think that there is a definite problem. I understand that I can't protect my kids all of the time and that they are going to get sunburns, bites, blisters and a variety of other owwies, but the problems we saw are all preventable.

"So DH said that unless I disagree, the kids are not to go with gramma until she has helmets, sunscreen, bug spray, socks and anything else that they need. " I know you said if she told you, you would have brought some, but maybe by her thinking if she told you, you wouldn't have let them come over.

That is where I got the idea that you guys thought she should provide clothes, sunscreen, bug spray...etc. I understand your frustration with the whole issue, and the fact that your child was in pain only made you more angry. So, yes, I think a talk with your MIL is definately in order. If she told you that she had helmets and she didn't, then she did lie. But, as I said, she probably figured it was no big deal because her children probably didn't wear a helmet. As I said, I never did. I would toss it up to a stupid move on my MIL"s part and warn her that if she wants to have my kids stay again, she needs to make sure such nd such is done. I'm sure she never intended for your daughter to be in pain, or be eaten alive by mosquitos.

"So DH said that unless I disagree, the kids are not to go with gramma until she has helmets, sunscreen, bug spray, socks and anything else that they need. " I know you said if she told you, you would have brought some, but maybe by her thinking if she told you, you wouldn't have let them come over.

That is where I got the idea that you guys thought she should provide clothes, sunscreen, bug spray...etc. I understand your frustration with the whole issue, and the fact that your child was in pain only made you more angry. So, yes, I think a talk with your MIL is definately in order. If she told you that she had helmets and she didn't, then she did lie. But, as I said, she probably figured it was no big deal because her children probably didn't wear a helmet. As I said, I never did. I would toss it up to a stupid move on my MIL"s part and warn her that if she wants to have my kids stay again, she needs to make sure such nd such is done. I'm sure she never intended for your daughter to be in pain, or be eaten alive by mosquitos.

I would have reacted the same way... I am sorry but that sounds neglectful or uncaring to let that happen to your grand children. She should have at least apologized for the sunscreen. It is one thing to have a kid get sunburned but it is another thing to brush it off like it doesn't matter.

My MIL teases me all the time about my kid being white and me slathering her with sunscreen in her hair and all... but at least she will put it on her if she is going to be outside in the sun for a couple hours. She wouldn't let her burn.

I would have reacted the same. And the blisters on the feet is ridiculous too! They are little kids and they need to be told how to be safe. The adult watching them should be able to take care of them.

I do think you should pack the stuff for your kids to be safe. I pack what I think my daughter will need, Sunscreen etc.

I would have reacted the same way... I am sorry but that sounds neglectful or uncaring to let that happen to your grand children. She should have at least apologized for the sunscreen. It is one thing to have a kid get sunburned but it is another thing to brush it off like it doesn't matter.

My MIL teases me all the time about my kid being white and me slathering her with sunscreen in her hair and all... but at least she will put it on her if she is going to be outside in the sun for a couple hours. She wouldn't let her burn.

I would have reacted the same. And the blisters on the feet is ridiculous too! They are little kids and they need to be told how to be safe. The adult watching them should be able to take care of them.

I do think you should pack the stuff for your kids to be safe. I pack what I think my daughter will need, Sunscreen etc.

Lisa2273, I can't believe you would say that not wearing a helmet is okay just because nothing bad happened to you! That's like saying it's safe to jump off a cliff because some people did it and lived! Forgoing simple safety precautions is just plain careless and I'm sure you'd feel differently if one of your kids was injured. Also, sunburn is not a normal part of playing outside. My kids are outside all the time and they never get burnt because I am a responsible mother and keep them protected. On the original post, you are not overreacting! Sounds to me like she is still living in the past but we have more info today and it's better to be safe than sorry. Another part of this whole issue is that even if she has all the safety items will she USE them?! The way she brushed it all off makes me think not. Good for you sticking to what you believe and being a good mom! We as moms do not have to sacrifice our children's safety/comfort for the sake of not hurting someone's feelings.

Lisa2273, I can't believe you would say that not wearing a helmet is okay just because nothing bad happened to you! That's like saying it's safe to jump off a cliff because some people did it and lived! Forgoing simple safety precautions is just plain careless and I'm sure you'd feel differently if one of your kids was injured. Also, sunburn is not a normal part of playing outside. My kids are outside all the time and they never get burnt because I am a responsible mother and keep them protected. On the original post, you are not overreacting! Sounds to me like she is still living in the past but we have more info today and it's better to be safe than sorry. Another part of this whole issue is that even if she has all the safety items will she USE them?! The way she brushed it all off makes me think not. Good for you sticking to what you believe and being a good mom! We as moms do not have to sacrifice our children's safety/comfort for the sake of not hurting someone's feelings.

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