Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The Vexed Files: Time Travelers and Lotus-Eaters

If, by no fault of your own, you live in either the UK or Australia (or a non-North American UK Commonwealth nation, such as Tuvulu, which I understand has a very vibrant "bike culture") I'm pleased to let you know that the Hardie Grant edition of my book (I forget the title--"Bike" something, I think) should be available from your bookseller of choice as of like yesterday. Also, if you live in Australia and listen to the radio, you may have heard my Australian radio debut on the ABC Radio National show "Life Matters." (I did the interview last night, but due to the time difference I believe people in Australia were actually hearing me two Wednesdays from now.) In any case, if you missed it, you can listen to it here; or, if you don't care, you can watch this instead.

Meanwhile, closer to (my) home, today is Election Day, and like any civic-minded person I woke up early and visited my local polling place. I must say that, for a so-called "democracy," our electoral system is a disgrace. For example, the ballot I was given was inordinately confusing--I mean, I couldn't even find the part where you vote for President! Obama's name was nowhere on the ballot--it was just a bunch of nobodies and weird offices nobody's ever heard of, like "Governor." But I couldn't find Arnold Schwarzenegger's name either, even though he's the Governor of America (Canada's food-besmirched bib), so in the end I just voted "C" for everything, like I did on the SATs. (Unless I saw a picture of a pot leaf, then I voted for that.) Then, just when I thought I was done, I turned the form over to the other side where there were supposed to be a bunch of "propositions" and saw this:

Like seriously, WTF? I should just find myself a nice dictatorship to move to and be done with it.

And was in fact submitted by the very same person who submitted the profoundly vexing "???," which ultimately took second place:

In my defense, the reason I ultimately eliminated the "Boston Bike Drummer's" percussive cockpit was that I didn't think it was fair to allow a submitter to field two finalists, and I ultimately decided that "???" was the more compelling submission. And while the "Boston Bike Drummer" does make a compelling case, I ultimately stand by my decision--though the results might have been different had he submitted this video:

Or maybe not. Either way, the only thing it's safe to say at this point is that democracy doesn't work.

I was moved by Mr. Haraldson's kind words, especially after being taken to task by the "Boston Bike Drummer," and had I known he held me in such high esteem I almost certainly would have rigged the election so that he won first prize, so desperate am I for approbation. Perhaps the most remarkable thing about this article though is that the Bozeman Daily Chronicle would run it at all, and clearly there must be very little happening in Bozeman. Honestly, this is one step up from "Local Supermarket Receives New Shipment of Prunes." Fortunately though (at least from a news perspective) there seems to be a lot more going on today, for not only do they have an election to cover, but ace reporter Daniel Person has also gotten the sensational "scoop" on a possible brucellosis outbreak:

In fact, it would appear that brucellosis is spread by elk, which means that if the owner of the "Antlers Sur L'Herbe" bike hasn't been wearing latex gloves while riding he could be in serious trouble. In any case, I trust the Bozeman Daily Chronicle will keep us apprised, and I'm proud to at least be tangentially involved in a possible pandemic.

One moment you're salmoning down a New York street, and the next you're sucked through a wormhole and pop out of a tube somewhere near Geneva, Switzerland. As scientists continue to play around with particle accelerators like a bunch of "hipsters" customizing their "fixies" these kinds of accidents are only going to become more common, and I'm relatively certain that's what happened to the cellphone lady too. It also explains why Fire is Aerospoke 2.0:

While it seemed clear to me that she was kneeling in obeisance before the Holy of Holies, the Lotus of the Lone Wolf, some readers suggested it was not in fact the "Tarck" of the Covenant since the decals didn't match. However, I've subsequently received the following photo, which proves conclusively that the Lone Wolf's steed has indeed undergone a ritual re-decaling:

Incidentally, the reader who sent me this photo was visiting the United States (or Canada's flabby jowl) from Poland for the first time in his life, only to encounter the Lone Wolf himself. That's like going to the Apple store to buy your first iPod and getting served by Steve Jobs, or like buying a LeMond directly from Greg LeMond. (Though The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company claims that last one wasn't all that rare.)

Back and to the left. Back... and to the left. Back........and to the left.

I think that the fact that she seems to just disappear should be just as vexing as the fact that she was talking on a cell phone. If she gets a signal all the way back in 1929, I surely want to switch plans to whatever she's palping. I can't walk down the hall in my own house without dropping a call.

If you know Boston, the drumming hipsters are riding on Comm. Ave. by Boston University. If they rode in the another direction, say towards "Southie", past a few bars, yeah they would be wearing those buckets, and the cymbals thrown like frisbees!

If you know Boston, the drumming hipsters are riding on Comm. Ave. by Boston University. If they rode in the another direction, say towards "Southie", past a few bars, yeah they would be wearing those buckets, and the cymbals thrown like frisbees!

If you know Boston, the drumming hipsters are riding on Comm. Ave. by Boston University. If they rode in the another direction, say towards "Southie", past a few bars, yeah they would be wearing those buckets, and the cymbals thrown like frisbees!

As much as I would like to believe it, there is no way the woman in the film is using a cell phone. You can barely get a good signal around the corner from your home, let alone one in the time-traveled past BC (Before Cellphones).

i used to work at the bozeman daily chronicle, and believe me the elk bike's entry into the contest would indeed be considered major news, unless someone had pictures of kittens that day, or someone got food poisoning down at the pickle barrel.

As a drummer and cyclist I have to like the boston drumming cyclist.I since moved to L.A and would suggest more people following suit.Since the drivers are even more out to lunch than boston I would suggest a piccolo snare no more than 4 inches deep and a cymbal as obnoxious as a 20"china cymbal to cut through the din of ipods,talk radio,chastsing of passenger children and infrastructure road improvement noise.They'll definitely hear you coming and going.Stay tuned for my prototype.

anon 1:30 - true, we particle physicists have been "bombing" our accelerator tunnels ever since they got too big to fit in a lab. check this picture from the late 80s taken at the ep collider HERA in hamburg (germany), 6 km circumference:http://www-zeus.desy.d/img/hera_tunnel.gif

CERN has its own bicycle fleet, staff can borrow them to get around, and lots of safe bicycle parking. When I worked there as an undergrad I'd commute from the shed we lived in in Switzerland to the office in france France, buy beer there and cycle back over the border for lunch carrying half my beer supply, go back to france for the afternoon's work and then come home with the rest of the beer. That way when stopped by the swiss customs people I was under the quota.

That bike might be "down the pit" for people to get around the beam area itself, electric cars being a luxury for management and important visitors. The nice thing here is that it may force you to exercise, but the 27 km ring is always above freezing, never rains, and more fun than a spinning class.

bikesgonewild: of course not, you can't reach the speed of light remember? but we get pretty close, especially when we slay fixies with burning tyres on the race tarck usually meant for particles. but seriously the region around cern is the most dangerous region for cyclists on earth i'm aware of, almost every other week a cyclist gets hit by cars due to the total assholeness of the local population racing on the straight road and close-by border escape route like Steve describes. the customs are inactive now allowing quick get-aways, and the concept of NOT trying to murder road users not in German SUVs is totally alien in the Geneva/Gex region.

...southpole...if an untrained proton needing superconducting electromagnets cooled by liquid helium to give it a sense of direction can reach 99% of the speed of light, then why couldn't the well trained swiss & world TT champion, fabian cancellara wearing a camelbak (for his cooling purposes), not beat that proton, one-on-one by actually traveling @ the speed of light ???...

I always wonder if the Lone Wolf has ever realized the scope of his popularity and following. I've met him once at a race in LA, prior to his appearance on this blog. I was simply intrigued by his bike and obviously it's hard to miss. Perhaps he is deserving of a one-on-one, Barbara Walters style interview at some point.

Hey Bike Snob! First, congratulations on your book. Woo hoo! Second, glad you voted and are getting the word out. Yeah, what's up with the President not being on the ballot? Tuvulu, never heard of it, but glad they're a biking people!

The elections here are mixed. It looks like the socialists are going to win the senate and the people are going to win back the house.The other elections, mainly governors of the individual states, are going in favor of the citizens of the United States.All in all the socialist (democrats) have done very poorly.

Even though Hardie Grant says there's a resurgence in the two-wheeled contraptions' popularity, apparently there isn't a resurgence in correct spelling. Or is "bycicles" like "colour", it's just how the Brits do it?

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!