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Spiritual Narcissistic Abuse

Randi G. Fine, Author

I’ve been married to an intelligent, beautiful woman for seventeen years and we have three wonderful children, ages eleven, thirteen and fifteen.

My wife and two younger kids go to church every Sunday. My oldest son and I do not. I am not of the Christian faith, therefore have never gone. My son used to go to church with his mother when he was younger, but now he is in sports leagues on Sundays and I take him to his practices and games. His mother is not happy about that.

My wife is a devoted but very controlling mother. She’s a controlling wife too, but I’ve learned that I can keep the peace by doing things her way. For years we fought about me not going to church with her to “make the family look good.” I have had to put up with the silent treatment every Sunday for the last fourteen years.

Every Saturday, she reads me passages from her Bible or whatever Christian book she reads to try to make me feel bad. She tells me that I am ruining my chance of ever getting into heaven; that it is my fault that we will not be spending eternity together. I don’t buy any of it. It makes her furious that she can’t make me do what she wants me to do. She’s been able to manipulate me into changing many things about myself, but I refuse to budge on this one.

I can handle what she does to me, but not what she’s been doing to our oldest son. He was always her favorite child; he could do no wrong until he started having a mind of his own. When he told her he wanted to start playing sports on Sundays instead of going to church, her entire attitude toward him changed. Since then she constantly picks on him. I have to keep building him up when she’s not around to keep him from getting down on himself.

His mother tells him that he is not and has never been a good athlete so he should stop wasting his time—the time God has specifically set aside for prayer. She tells him that if he keeps doing what he’s doing he will end up in hell with Satan. I’ve asked her to stop saying that to him, but then her face turns red and she rages at me. She tells me that I’m going to hell with him and that we deserve each other.

I have never heard you discuss this topic on your show. Would you please do one and let me know when it will be on so I can listen? Thanks.

***

People find great comfort in spirituality and religion. It gives structure and meaning to their lives. In difficult times faith provides a soft, safe place to land.

Faith is personal and different for each of us. We each develop it in our own way and in our own time. No one has the right to judge others for their beliefs or lack of them.

Narcissists don’t care about the rights of others. They only care about taking control of others’ lives and will stoop to any level in that pursuit.

One control method used by some narcissists, but not often talked about, is known as spiritual abuse. As is true with other cunning abuse tactics, those who experience spiritual abuse may not even realize what is happening to them.

Spiritual abuse attacks people at the place where they are most vulnerable, the heart of the very thing that gives them ease. The faith and hope that lifts them up and gives their life meaning is viciously snuffed out and replaced by fear, guilt, and shame.

Those who follow religion, live in accordance to the doctrines of their faith. Because of the way these doctrines are written, much of the teachings found within them are open for interpretation. That is a loophole narcissistic opportunists may see and use to their advantage.

Rather than using scripture as the positive teaching tool for which it is intended, spiritually abusing narcissists manipulate the interpretations or take words out of context and then twist them to scare their victims into compliance. Some cite the words of Jesus, the Torah, Muhammad, Krishna, Buddha, Allah, etc. to give credence to their claims.

Spiritual abusers are believable because they act under the pretense of being men of God. They can be so convincing in their misrepresentation of religious teachings that victims fear the spiritual repercussions of non-compliance.

With all the other methods of abuse at their disposal, one might wonder why narcissists would resort to using spiritual abuse.

To believers, there is none as powerful as their God. Whether or not the narcissist truly has faith, he does believe he is superior, perhaps even God-like. Religion gives him the perfect platform on which to rule others.

Spiritual abuse allows the narcissist to:

Live out his fantasies of omnipotence

Speak for God or whatever Supreme Being he worships

Prove his righteousness

Demonstrate superiority over victims

Show that God or the Supreme Being he worships is on his side

Become the focus of a victim’s worship

Spiritual abusers masquerade as people of faith to fool others in ways that further their self-centered agenda of controlling them. They may use spiritual abuse as a way to:

Back up and enforce demands

Enforce marital “entitlement”

Instill guilt, fear, and shame in victims who don’t comply

Prove they are right

Put their victims down through the ridiculing of their beliefs

Justify their abusive behavior

Demand forgiveness

Control victims by denying their right to practice their religions

Control victims by forcing them to go against their beliefs

Control victims by forcing them to practice a faith they don’t believe in

Control victims by forcing them to raise children in a faith they don’t believe in

Because the nature of the abuse is spiritual, it is very difficult to identify. The fact that it is yet another manipulation often goes unnoticed. This is tragic for victims who once relied on their faith to survive their oppressive life. What used to be a source of safety, comfort and solace become a source of anxiety, fear, and worry.

If you recognize yourself as being or having been spiritually abused, consider the following:

Recognize that the purpose of faith is to elevate you, not bring you down

Practice your faith in ways that your abuser does not know about

Listen to what your heart tells you, not what your abuser tells you

Ask yourself if what you are being told makes sense. Challenge it. Search for the truth.

Take your guidance only from a spiritual source, not from a false prophet

Seek the support of a trusted member of your spiritual or religious community

Tell others what is happening to you; get your feelings out

Reconfirm for yourself the principles of your faith that you love

See the setback as an opportunity to learn more about and strengthen your faith

Weigh the options of staying with someone who hurts you this way

If your abuser believes he in any way speaks for a Supreme Being or is equally omnipotent, you are surely dealing with a mentally unbalanced person. It is time to reevaluate your situation. You are not emotionally safe.

This is copyrighted material. May only be shared with permission and proper attribution.

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Pathological narcissists are parasites. Their very survival depends on capturing live hosts to “feed” off of. But narcissists do not feed on blood as vampires, ticks, fleas, and leeches do. They feed on the vitality of human souls, sucking the life out of each unfortunate victim; stripping the person of his or her dignity and ability to thrive, and then heartlessly discarding the person when the supply runs out; just like rancid food. One would hope that pathological narcissism is a rare occurrence, a societal anomaly, but it is not. These vermin are everywhere. They infiltrate our families, our love relationships, our friendships, and our workplaces. Because of the covert and cunning manipulation tactics used by narcissists against their targets, those who suffer their abuse do not realize they have until it is nearly too late. By then victims are confused, disoriented, despondent, and self-destructive.

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Can Your Children Be Honest?

Parenting Advice: Establishing Open Communication and Trust

Written by Randi G Fine

Children go through phases, particularly during their adolescent years, when they see no logical or justifiable reason to communicate with their parents for any reason other than to have their most basic needs or their material desires met. After spending ten or so years as the apple of their child’s eye, parents are suddenly seen as the “lamest” people on the planet.

Adolescence, the period of children’s life when they are most vulnerable to outside influences, is rightfully a scary time for parents. Children of this age become the target of many negative influences while at the same time experiencing hormones that are raging out of control. The only influence that they seemingly become deafened to is that of their parents.

From the moment of birth we begin a gradual process of separation from those we are dependent upon. That is how children emotionally mature into adults. This process becomes starkly obvious and seemingly accelerates during the adolescent years, a time when children are mortified at the thought of being seen in public with their parents and spare no feelings when telling them so. But parents should not be fooled by their children’s rejection and rudeness. Children expect the support, guidance, structure, and influence of their parents to remain constant.

Keeping children as safe as humanly possible, especially during adolescence, requires knowing what they are doing, what they are thinking, and who they are associating with. Communication, though difficult at times, is the key.

Very little is certain when parenting, but one thing is for sure. If we want to have open communication and trust with our children we must monitor our reactions to what they do and say. No matter how shocked or upset we feel we must always present a calm, non-judgmental front.

If your children have done something wrong they need to be accountable. When discipline is required it should be given in a way that is reasonable and fair. Children should always know that you are parenting and disciplining from a place of love, and one that is always in their best interest.

Children best absorb the lessons we wish to teach them when they can relate to us. The most effective parents are ones who are real, who do not profess to be perfect. Do not hesitate to share the mistakes of your past as it relates to issues your children are experiencing.

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Life Transitions

Written by Randi G. Fine

Transition is uncomfortable and difficult but nothing in life would exist without it.

Transitions have beginnings and ends. We cannot possibly know what is in store for us, but hindsight of our past will assure us that everything will work out for the best. The confusion will pass, clarity will be restored, and our vitality for living will return. The end will always come, followed by a new beginning.

Change is an inevitable reality for all of us; it will come whether we are prepared for it or not. It is just another one of life’s challenges.

Acceptance of your reality and patience with the process are essential. A transition can either flow through its course or turn into a crisis. It is what you make it. Resistance and avoidance only hinder the process and get you stuck. Flexibility is necessary.

Though we cannot always choose our circumstances, we can choose how we deal with them. We can be a victim of circumstance and give away our personal power, or we can make the best of the hand we are dealt and steer the course of our lives. It does not help to take a victim stance; to say “why me,” or feel sorry for ourselves. Life has not singled us out to be punished.

If you are one who has always resisted change, try to shift your way of thinking. Embrace transition as a positive process you can trust; an opportunity for rebirth. Life has a way of working out though it may take time to see the positive outcome. You can choose to have a positive outlook, to welcome change as a growth opportunity, even if you don’t understand he reasons behind the transition or are unprepared for the process. There is much in life that we do not understand. It is the big picture that counts.

When faced with the unknown it is natural to feel as if you have lost control of your life. That is because you probably have, but you have only lost control of certain aspects of it. Start by recognizing one small aspect of yourself or your life that you do have control over and exercise that control. Be sure to keep some things consistent. These strategies will help in re-balancing the loss of equilibrium you feel and give you back some of the power that you feel you have lost.

Change is dealt with differently by each person and for each transition. No two experiences will be the same. There is no manual, but there are strategies you can apply that will make the process more manageable and less stressful.

Observe your life from the outside looking in. What is the overall picture of what is happening? Ask yourself what the worst thing that can happen is. Often your fears take on a life of their own and cause you to lose perspective. Take a step back; get out of your own head for a few minutes. Take a rational approach.

Spend time alone to learn about yourself and gain self-awareness. This is the time to figure out what your needs are and who you would like to become. Take care of yourself, body, mind, and spirit; eat well, exercise, rest, and do things you enjoy.

Change your attitude from dread to anticipation. Understand that the comfort of old routines is only temporary. Take a new perspective; look at change as an opportunity for rebirth and growth. Try to find something positive about whatever situation you are in. Ask yourself what the potential opportunities that can come from it are and focus on them. Look back at your past to see how situations beyond your control ultimately benefited you.

Set manageable short term and long term goals for yourself, and then celebrate when you reach them. Give yourself credit for the progress you make. Identify any resources available to you that will help you through the process.

You may want to express what you are feeling through journaling. Reflection and writing on a regular basis will help to reduce the confusion you feel, help you identify your fears, and help you reclaim the power your thoughts have over you.

Before you can embrace the new you have to let go of the old. Create an event to mark the end of the past and the start of a new beginning. Make a ritual of saying goodbye to people, situations, or places that will no longer be a part of your life. Be willing to let old identities, roles, and routines that no longer serve a purpose in your life go.

Allow yourself to imagine the future as you hope it will be. Seek inspiration through books, blogs, podcasts, and special interest groups.

Don’t be afraid to humble yourself and ask for help. Share your feelings with those who are truly supportive of you, unconditionally accept you, and encourage you. You may need people you can emotionally lean on for awhile, people who will patiently listen to you as you obsess over the same feelings and frustrations over and over; people who will affirm what you are feeling and are willing to share their own experiences, their own positive outcomes, and offer you a more positive viewpoint.

Find an accountability partner—someone who will keep you on track, encourage you, and bring you back to reality when you stray. This is person you will share your plans and goals with who will motivate you to keep moving forward. Choose someone you can trust to be brutally honest and give you a dose of tough love whenever you need it.

Progressing forward in a healthy way is critical to the process. You may need the help of a financial counselor or mental health professionals to guide you.

Think about the many transitions you have passed through in your life. Realize that they have delivered you to this moment. You made it through the best and you made it through the worst, and you are still here to talk about it.

How did you deal with past changes? What would you do different? What have you learned as a result of transition and how has it transformed you?

The most important and probably most difficult part of the process is taking the first step toward accomplishment. Begin by taking one small step at a time. Put one foot in front of the other and propel yourself forward, no matter how insignificant the effort may seem.

Be proud of where you have come from, the strength you mustered in the past that got you through hard times, and the wisdom you gained as a result. That wisdom will be tremendously helpful in your ongoing life.

You may be experiencing transitions now and you certainly will be in the future. Expect that in life there will be periods of smooth sailing and times of hardship. Sometimes you will easily stroll down the path of life and sometimes you will veer off course.

Transitions are not indications of failure; they are opportunities for growth, renewal, and rebirth. They allow us to become the best we can possibly be.

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