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From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1173
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=== 1173 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1173
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 2000 16:45:10 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
1173
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1168 69 votes 5cqfb 06ope 8ajgg 7iu86 3frj5 3eln8 1cwi6 9gre3 75eip 4bsdd
1168 3.2 mean 3.2 3.7 3.3 2.8 3.1 3.3 3.2 2.8 3.7 3.3
--- 1173-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most aquainted with Divinty, he who hangs out with the Gods,
> shoots hoop with the Seraphim and plays a little golf with the devil, I
> beg your guidance in a personal matter. I've been having little luck
> with the more corporeal jobs I've had, so I recently thought Hey, why
> not become a prophet of the Gods! I can already speak a number of
> different languages, so I figure speaking in tongues should be a doddle.
> Who should I apply to - are any of the Gods currently looking for an
> Earthly mouthpiece?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} [ A busy street corner in New York City. It's high noon, lunch
} hour on a lovely day, the sidewalks are crowded. Here we see
} the supplicant on a small crate. In one hand he has a green
} plastic bucket, on his head a leafy wreath of some sort, he
} is wearing a toga. A man in a gray flannel suit approaches. ]
}
} Supplicant: Sir! The Goddess Carya, have you heard of her?
}
} Gentleman: Nut.
}
} Supplicant: Oh you have! Here have some.
}
} [ Supplicant reaches into the bucket and pulls out two walnuts
} and tries to hand them to the man. ]
}
} Supplicant: Carya the Goddess of Walnut trees wants you to know
} that walnuts are a prime source of low-density
} lipoproteins. Plus she is beloved of Artemis.
}
} Gentleman: This some kinda off beat ad campaign?
}
} Supplicant: No, I am the mouthpiece of the Goddess Carya,
} patroness of walnuts.
}
} Gentleman: Oh boy.
}
} [ Man leaves, a pair of punker gals approach. ]
}
} Punk #1: You handing out food?
}
} Supplicant: Here have some walnuts. Carya loves you and
} the meat of the walnut has high proportions
} of n-3 linolenic acid.
}
} Punk #2: That's like jammin'. Can we have some nuts?
}
} Supplicant: Yeah here.
}
} [ Supplicant hands bucket to the punks and then sits
} dejected on the crate. Punks pour walnuts on the
} ground and start stomping them with their Doc Martin
} boots. A tourist couple approaches.]
}
} Tourist: Are you a nut? We heard New York was full of them
} can I take a picture of you standing by my wife
} to show the folks back in North River?
}
} Supplicant: Sure, if you'll take a flyer.
}
} Tourist Man: (reading aloud) Carya, walnut goddess Of Sparta.
}
} [ Wife stands by supplicant who's still sitting on the
} crate. ]
}
} Tourist Man: Say cheese!
}
} Tourist wife: Cheese.
}
} Supplicant: Walnut.
--- 1173-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh, great Oracle, who knows where all the roads lead,
>
> How many words must a parody have,
> before it can be digested?
>
> Yes and how well known must the first song be,
> so that the humor is saved?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The answer, my friend, is that those that don't blow go in.
--- 1173-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Otis Viles
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> How can I get her to like me?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} 10) Fill her with nothing but the finest imported air
} 09) Keep a puncture repair kit at hand at all times to
} show you care
} 08) Never -ever- show her a knife
} 07) Let her pretend she'll one day be your wife
} 06) If you must deflate her, let her down slow
} 05) Take her at least once to a drive-in picture show
} 04) Never hint other lovers are at 'hand'
} 03) Put a photo of her predominately on your bed stand
} 02) Buy her a wig and some nice sexy clothes
} 01) Wash her up afterwards with a steady spray from
} the nearest garden hose
}
} You owe the Oracle some high pressure sales techniques.
--- 1173-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ross Clement
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> All intelligent people are pleased with the Oracle, people of common
> wit and standing are pleased with the Oracle, and gosh darn it! I am
> pleased with the Oracle too!
>
> Do rational ideas have any advantages over irrational ideas?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Nope. In fact, it's often the other way around.
}
} The trouble with ideas is that it's tough to define which ones are
} rational and which are not at first glance. It isn't until time has
} run its course and events have begun adding up that one can truly
} pinpoint which is which.
}
} For example:
}
} [The scene: Cro-Magnon era mountainous foothills. Hot, humid, and not
} a little bit muggy. Just outside a cave, we see a lone man, sitting on
} a rock, hitting a rounder rock with a sharper rock. A female
} Cro-Magnon comes out of the cave]
}
} "Oga no like Og sitting here. Oga think Og waste time."
} "Og no waste time. Og making round thing."
} "Oga think round thing silly. Oga think Og go hunting."
} "Og go hunting after Og finish."
} "Oga think Og go hunting now!"
} "Og want to finish round thing!"
} "Oga think if Og not go hunting, Og no get any!"
} "Og go hunting..."
}
} And so the wheel was forever lost to the Cro-Magnon, and I was saved
} from having to answer idiotic questions about fire. This was a
} rational idea at the time, but seems to us, now, as completely
} irrational.
}
} Another example:
}
} [Scene: England, 1485. The royal court.]
}
} "Good day to you, my king. I have come from lands far distant to beg
} of you a boon."
} "A boon, you say? What is it you want, er... what's your name again?"
} "Columbus, my liege."
} "Yes, Columbus, yes...what is it you want from me?"
} "I have an idea, my lord, that since the way to the spices in the East
} are cut off by pirates, that it would be far safer to go around them."
} "Around them? How? Surely not by going south around the Cape..."
} "By heading in the other direction -- west."
} "Are you mad? My astronomers assure me that no ship, even one heavily
} laden purely with foodstuffs and naught else could not hope to survive
} such a long journey over nothing but water. You would die in the
} middle of the Atlantic, and where would I be then? Poor as a beggar,
} and no wiser for my troubles. No, go ask some other kingdom for wealth
} to throw away on such a misadventure."
}
} See, another idea thought completely irrational at the time proves its
} rational given enough time, and the pure chance that land be discovered
} where no one thought it could be.
}
} One last example:
}
} [Scene: a laboratory, circa 1903. A man stands next to a device
} consisting of wires, crystals, and no small amount of electrical
} current. There are some other men talking with him.]
}
} "-- it's not that, it's just I'm not quite clear on what it's supposed
} to -do-, exactly."
} "I told you. It can send and receive signals. I call it a ...
} radio."
} "I see. And using this 'radio,' you can do what?"
} "Well, if someone attaches a phonograph to one radio transmitter in one
} place, then another person can turn on their receiver at another place
} and listen to the same music."
} "Wouldn't it be simpler just to buy the same phonograph?"
} "It's not just for music, it's for everything! I can send my voice
} across the nation if I wanted to --"
} "Oh, just what we need, a shouting box in every room in America."
} "Look, don't you understand, this can revolutionize our lives! Why, if
} we had this during the Civil War --"
} "Then General Lee would have been unable to command because he was
} listening to Bach's "Symphony #5"? No, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid we
} just don't see any reason why anyone would want a music transceiver in
} their homes. Good day to you, sir."
}
} In answer to your query, then, rational ideas have the most power, at
} least in the present, but the least advantages. Note in the examples
} above that only those motives that seemed logical at the time were
} considered, and all else was tossed away as complete and utter tot.
} And yet it is those irrational ideas which change the course of history
} -- a neat trick, if you can do it.
}
} You owe the Oracle at least a dozen irrational ideas.
--- 1173-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh greatest Oracle, your ability to simultaneously handle the problems
> and queries of the world's millions with speed, tact and accuracy is
> astounding. Your bandwidth is enough to make a grown sysadmin cry.
> Your oracularity archiving and on-line searching system shame the
> primitive constructs of mere mortals, who strive to make databases as
> organised as your toenail clippings.
>
> But, one must wonder about the future of the simple plain-text tellme,
> and question whether it is 'in tune' with modern expectations of the
> internet - flashy graphics, full motion video and surround sound.
>
> Thus, I beg of you: An insight into your plans for the heavily rumoured
> upcoming "showme" multimedia supplication and oracularity, with any
> further extensions and enhancements you might be contemplating to
> supplement the "tellme/showme" system.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} What a nightmare a "showme" Oracle would be!
}
} - incarnations waiting 20 minutes for a "question" to
} download to be greeted by a dorky flash sequence of
} a rodent tossing logs about
}
} - supplicants getting .mp3s of off key incarnations singing
} lame parodies of unfathomable renditions of Barry Manilow
} tunes
}
} - the horror of reading "[ This clip digested -ed ]" in full
} color scrolling 150 point italic dingbat font
}
} + nude .jpgs galore... well ONE good thing does not over
} weigh the many faults
}
} - two words: virus heaven
}
} - CS students would have access to high end production
} tools, others would be sending in stick figure .gifs
}
} - "showme" sounds too much like "playing doctor",
} not to mention all the Missouri puns that would ensue
}
} - would have to change name to rec.humor.binaries.oracle
}
} - requests for Lisa pics would be overwhelm queue
}
} ? would broaden Oracle's appeal to post-literates
}
} - Priests would have a hard time copying over the
} holy words of the Oracle by hand on parchment
} if text based format abandoned
}
} You owe the Oracle a healthy respect for the magic of
} the printed word, and some girlie .jpgs.
--- 1173-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hark! The mating cry of a lipless cow!
--- 1173-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Egor grovels before Master, yes, the Master is good if Egor grovels
> before him, yes yes?
>
> Egor is looking for a good cup of coffee, yes, and Egor does not like
> that hideous Starbucks crud, yes, so Egor asks the Master, where can
> Egor get a good cup of coffee?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You say you don't know
} Where to go
} To get a good cup o' Joe
} So you call the Big "O"
}
} Have no fear, dear supplicant,
} I saved you the trip, that's right, I already went.
} I got you a cup, it's MONSTER SIZE
} And I can tell that's alright by the look in your eyes.
}
} Whoa, take it easy, before you gulp it down,
} Did I happen to mention that it's freshly ground.
} Not that it matters, just look at your face,
} You're spilling your drink all over the place.
}
} Now just look at what you've done, Egor.
} You've gone and got Java on my Perl floor.
} That'll never come out, believe me, I've tried.
} Well, not actually me, it was Zadoc, I lied.
}
} Point is, dear supplicant, you've made a mess.
} And I'm quite upset, as you may have guessed.
} So, if you don't mind showing yourself to the door,
} It's been real, it's been fun, but not real fun, Egor.
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing, just go.
--- 1173-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ross Clement
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> [This question intentionally left blank]
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, [this adjective intentionally left blank] supplicant, your
} question has made me think [this adverb intentionally left blank], and
} [this term of response intentionally left blank] follows.
}
} In the past, I used to hang out with [this name intentionally left
} blank] and we'd spend time [this present-infinitive verb intentionally
} left blank] in the [this noun intentionally left blank]. The weather
} was [this weather description intentionally left blank] and the air was
} [this atmospheric analysis intentionally left blank].
}
} One day in late [this month intentionally left blank], my friend [this
} reference to the previous name intentionally left blank] tripped over
} [this obstacle intentionally left blank] and fell in a [this body of
} water intentionally left blank]. Of course, I [this cry for help
} intentionally left blank] but no-one [this lack of assistance
} intentionally left blank].
}
} I wanted to [this infinitve verb intentionally left blank] out to him,
} but I couldn't [this means of propelling onesself through water
} intentionally left blank]. I cried as I saw [this drowning
} intentionally left blank], and at once, with remorse and regret, I
} realised the importance of [this revelation intentionally left blank].
}
} Of course, there was a [this police enquiry intentionally left blank]
} which exonerated me, as the coroner decided it was [this verdict
} intentionally left blank]. The press and media didn't care, though, and
} continued referring to me as [this unfounded allegation intentionally
} left blank] - at least, until the judge ruled they were in [this
} contempt of court intentionally left blank]. Then, at last, there was
} [this silence intentionally left blank].
}
} Alone and friendless, I pondered [this subject intentionally left
} blank], but, after many years, I had drawn a [this blank intentionally
} left blank]. I knew my quest for answers could only lead in one
} direction: [this need for knowledge intentionally left blank].
}
} Thus I became [this Internet Oracle(tm) intentionally left blank].
}
} You owe the Oracle [this space intentially left blank].
--- 1173-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What's so bad about me, anyway?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube.
} You sniffle incessantly.
} You don't pay your library fines.
} You drive 50 mph in the passing lane.
} You use Napster to download MP3's in violation of United States
} Copyright law (Title 17).
} You drink too much.
} You never seem to be able to carry on a conversation about anything
} except basketball or Japanese animation.
} You forgot to pay your cable bill again.
} You run drugs.
} You wear way too much aftershave.
} You cheat on your taxes.
} You don't support sustainable farming.
} You pick at your acne.
} You forward every damn e-mail joke/quiz/virus hoax to everyone in your
} address book.
} You're the reason we can't have nice things.
} You snore.
} You haven't bought any new clothes since 1995.
} You send tellme's without answering other supplicants.
} You watch too much TV.
} You just drove away from that accident without even stopping to see if
} anyone was hurt.
} You talk about people behind their backs.
} You don't vote.
} You drink "flavoured" coffee.
} Your unfair labor practices are depriving thousands of workers of much-
} needed healthcare.
} You're a bad tipper.
} You're a bad dancer.
} You're a bad writer.
} You're a bad kisser.
} And you have low self-esteem.
}
} You owe the Oracle your overdue library fines.
--- 1173-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle you are the most snappy-dressed, most polite, most
> diplomatic, most well-traveled and most sexy of the Deities!
>
> John Keats said, " The automobile changed our dress, manners,
> social customs, vacation habits, the shape of our cities, con-
> sumer purchasing patterns, common tastes and positions in in-
> tercourse." I think the same can be said for the Internet. My
> question Most Wise Oracle, is what will be the -next- big thing
> that will affect the issues addressed in Keats' quote?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, Supplicant, I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but since
} you grovelled so nicely, and you're about to suffer an unfortunate
} accident with a school bus, a group of nuns, and a french bread stick,
} here goes...
}
} myGravity (tm). About a hundred and fifty years from now, the R&D arm
} of MicroWarnerBellNewsSonySoft finally cracked the secrets of
} gravitons. In a bold marketing decision, they released the technology
} to the consumer market, in the form of a localised gravity reducing
} device called myGravity (tm).
}
} With the rapid take up of this technology, society changed
} immeasurably.
}
} Intercourse in zero-gee was, of course, the first thing people tried.
}
} Cities changed dramatically. With the effective removal of gravity,
} buildings spread sideways rather than upwards. Floating cities
} blossomed by the hundreds, and much of the population moved permanently
} into the atmosphere.
}
} As localised weight could be effectively neutralised, dress was
} released from the last remaining restrictions imposed on it. Clothes
} became bulkier, as people carried more and more 'stuff' with them.
} People became bulkier too, as losing weight became pointless. Some
} rebelled against the trend, and slimmed down, wearing sleek skintight
} clothing, which allowed them to rocket around at great speeds by
} dropping their personal gravity to zero.
}
} With the effective shift from 2-D patterns of movement to 3-D, manners
} and customs changed too. Instead of stepping aside, people tended to
} drop down below. It was considered polite to give the elderly and poor
} a 'lift', to avoid draining the power cells on their myGravity (tm)
} devices. The rich tended to situate their mansions high above the
} cities, where the riff-raff couldn't go without risking running out of
} power and falling to their deaths.
}
} Vacations changed the most. The technology led to cheap, efficient,
} high-speed worldwide transport, which removed the impact of distance.
} People vacationed wherever the mood took them, broadening the
} experiences of much of the population.
}
} In short, it was the beginning of a golden age. Until, alas, a
} manufacturing fault at a myGravity (tm) plant in Wisconsin led to the
} creation of a house-sized black hole. Things went downhill rather
} quickly after that...
}
} You owe the Oracle a piece of your mind. Preferably unused.