I’m alive!

What’s really odd is that several times over the last four years I thought that my life had run its course completely. By the way, that means my age range was 47 to 51. Perhaps this is what they mean by a “mid-life” crisis?

If i thought I was ill-prepared to be an adult way back when, I had absolutely NO preparation for mid-life.

I have an eight year-old car that runs fine and that I like, but suddenly I found myself thinking this was the last car I would most likely ever buy and that I needed to somehow make it last as long as possible. I had similar thoughts about vacations, clothes, my career, etc.

Throughout this period I’ve been entertaining this one all-encompassing thought: Is this all there is to my lifetime? Is this IT?

For brief moments during these four years I felt like I understood why people do crazy stuff like buy sports cars, join ashrams, trade in their spouses for newer models. I’m not saying I agree with it (because really it’s none of my business what other people do) but I can say that I understand it. There is something about the newness of those experiences that injects a sort of life-force back into us.

I’m suspicious this is why people love it when their grand babies are born. Suddenly in their mid-life a brand new baby appears and all things are young, fresh, and new again.

Since I didn’t have kids this lifetime, I don’t have the promise of grandchildren to look forward to.

Now here I am, sitting at my local coffee shop, 51 years old. There is a good chance that I will live another FORTY years. 4-0. That’s a long time to make my old car last – and apparently since my entire childhood was a lie, I don’t have transporters or flying cars to get me around.

Mulling over the thought that my life has run its course is just a waste of time, to be honest. I can’t imagine waking up every day for the next 14,600 days thinking “oh well, I had a good run”. No, it’s time to get up everyday and inject life back into my experience.