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Saturday, August 15, 2009

live long and eat tacos

I have eaten at Willy's and seen the new Star Trek movie, and I now know the future.

1. In the future, we will all wear tight-fitting knit sweaters that give us all paunches, even those of us who are trained ballerinas and were totally awesome in Centerstage.

2. In the future, cops will call us "citizen" in a way reminiscent of Starship Troopers. In fact, most things in the future will apparently be eerily reminiscent of Starship Troopers, including the alien monsters and James Tiberius Caspar Van Dien Kirk.

3. In the future, Leonard Nemoy will show up to save the day. So don't worry. Even if it doesn't make sense. He's frickin' Leonard Nemoy.

4. In the future, Dyson will make spaceships that turn around a giant ball. Mr. Dyson is probably in his basement working on it already and looking forward to telling you about it in a commercial.

5. In the future, the crazy Eastern European guy who can't say his W's from Ghostbusters 2 will be sent through a time machine so that he can run around saving the day on the Enterprise as Checkov, who has crazy Flock-of-Seagulls hair that dominates all his scenes.

6. In the future, Harold will drop Kumar, learn how to fence, and forget to turn off the parking brake of the Enterprise as Mr. Sulu.

7. In the future, the boys from Durmstrang will take their furry jackets to Romulus and get some wicked facial tattoos.

8. In the future, Iowa will apparently still suck.

9. In the future, Joey from Friends will lose weight and lend his acting talents to a role as a grouchy space doctor Bones as played by Dr. Drake Ramoray.

10. In the future, the guy from Shaun of the Dead will bring his fantastic accent and friendly lichen-midget to Hoth before pre-inventing teleportation onto a spaceship already in warp speed, or something that I didn't really catch because I was too busy listening to his accent and laughing at the lichen-midget.

11. In the future, Wynona Ryder will at some point start to look old, which is going to totally freak me out about aging and time passing and plastic surgery and OMG SHE CAN NEVER GROW OLD, I FORBID IT.

12. In the future, Star Trek movies will totally rock and make audiences cheer, and no one will yell KHHHHAAAAAAN and no whales will sing and you will spend the whole movie on the edge of your seat with worry even though you know they are going to live through it because it's primed and ready for an equally kickass sequel.

Oh, wait. THAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

So do yourself a favor. Leave your crying, teething baby with your poor, suffering mother and go to Willy's and have a taco and a macadamia-nut-and-white-chocolate-cookie and go to the dollar movie and pretend it's 1990 when you saw Alien 3 there because absolutely nothing has changed. I can see the future, and I know you're going to have an utterly amazing time.