In a society where parenting is expected, some of us do not have children because our partners are unable or unwilling to make babies. That's what this blog and my book, Childless by Marriage, are about. Let's talk about what it's really like.

Friends, I’m on deadline, so I’m going to let a couple of commenters from the old blog site have the floor this week in the hope you can add some insights and move the whole discussion to this site.

Surpermonkey: Here is my dilemma: I am a divorced, mother of 2 daughters and 39 years young. Five years ago due to health reasons, I had to have a total hysterectomy. At the time of that surgery, I was married and knew that my marriage was rocky. At this time, I am head over heels in love with the man that I feel such a huge connection with. And the feeling is mutual. He is 40 and has never been married nor does he have any children. He wants them but has said that he has not found that person to give him that wonderful gift. Until he met me.

He said that he sees his future with me and wants to be with me and my girls but what is stopping him from being fully committed to me is the fact that I cannot have any more children. He says that he has to decide–get married to me, to the love of his life and his soul mate and give up the dream of having children of his own or break things off with me and hope he can find someone that can give him children. So that he can experience that kind of love that a father and child has. I am afraid that if he chooses our love then will he end up resenting me in the future?

Will I always have this cloud over me that I can not give the one man that I love the very thing that he wants most in this world? Do I break it off with him and make this decision for him–so that he can try to find someone that can give him that? He says that by staying with me, I am changing him and his way of life or the way he had envisioned his life. My girls love him and he says he loves my girls. He is so afraid that I am going to break things off with him because of this. But how long can I continue like this? We are so happy when we are together but then I remember that if we stay together he will never have a child of his own. Any one have any advice?

Sue: Oh Surpermonkey, what a pickle. Have you discussed the possibility of adoption or using a surrogate? If he really wants this, there has to be an alternative to splitting up. I hope you can find it together.

Tony: I’d say you have a situation on your hands. Here’s my take. I got married very late in life. I was 42 and my wife was 45. She had two boys in her first marriage and we decided not to have any kids. I was fine with it then, but I’m not now. This may be painful to hear, but you opened that door. If he feels strongly about having his own child and you can’t, do him a favor, pull the plug and set him free. I can assure you that he will resent you and your kids. That’s where I am right now and I’m 63. Men are very funny about this. I can foresee a HUGE meltdown and argument coming and feelings will be hurt. I wouldn’t adopt or settle for a surrogate. If I ever had kids the MUST be my own DNA and sperm-produced kids. Anything else is settling for less than I deserve. My advice, hold your strength, cut set him free and get on with your life. As he feels now, nothing good can come from this.

Surpermonkey: Thank you. I am not sure what we are going to do. He would rather not adopt and we have discussed a surrogate. We know that there are other options out there but they are so costly. Obviously we have a lot more to discuss on this subject. I appreciate your advice.

So that’s what they said. I think Tony is being a little harsh, perhaps projecting the anger from his own situation onto Surpermonkey’s. But maybe not. What do you think?

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3 thoughts on “She’s infertile, he wants kids”

I would break it off with him. I married an infertile woman and I love her but it is the single greatest mistake I have ever made. If I would have known this about her before we married I never would have allowed her to drag me down this road.

Most men want kids and then walk out and leave them anyway. I have 2 girls and I can get pregnant again but when I do I suffer from hyperemesis so bad until I can not keep the baby or carry it. If I was to get pregnant again I would be in and out of hospital, suffering from malnutrition and my throwing up 30 to 40 times a day for a good 6 months. U can’t hold anything in your body including fluids so your body is basically shutting down. I went through it to give my bf who didn’t have kids a child and then afterwards he left. I was recently pregnant again but the sickness hit me at 6 weeks and I could not function. It’s live or die trying cuz there’s no cure. I ended up not having the baby. I cry everyday and I’m so heartbroken that life seems not worth living even though I have my two girls. I think of finding a great guy and can’t give him another child without putting myself through complete hell and disabilitating myself. I guess the only thing you can do is let God send you the right one instead of choosing who we think we want. Its not fair for us to think less of ourselves through no fault of our own. Our mission on this earth is to serve God and that’s it. I’m still so sore in the heart that I’ve cut off complete communication with my child’s father because even though he keeps calling for his daughter I have, he wasn’t there for me this last time around and let me suffer alone and I still love him like a dummy so in order to heal and forgive, I can’t even listen to his voice or see his face right now. Women go through a lot and it’s ok for a good man to want kids but he needs to put it on the table, know what he wants and stay or leave, don’t just stay around contemplating letting that woman fall deeper in love. Its not her fault. End of story. I wanna love myself again and put all this baby heartache behind me. I literally cry and bite my lip and clench my heart every time I see a baby now.

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