Month: April 2017

Yesterday, for Earth Day, a bunch of people got together and marched for science. I think this is really important, because we have a lot of people who want to make science a political agenda. People always want to debate the merits of one scientific belief or the other, but that’s stupid because we live in a democracy. In a democracy, majority rules. The majority of scientists believe in climate change. So if we are going to look at “evidence” which contradicts climate change, then we are going to undermine our democracy.

From my perspective here on the left, debate and deliberation are un-American, and un-scientific. We need to silence the dissenters. I’m thinking something in the way of re-education camps or something. That way we can continue to be a free and democratic society where everyone’s thoughts and beliefs are valued and heard. It seems like plain common sense to me, but what do I know, I’m just an insulated, out-of-touch, pretentious white liberal.

Hey dudes. So, a few days ago, Donald Trump lobbed a bunch of missiles into an airbase in Syria. I for one, think this is a bunch of crap. Why do we call these things ‘tomahawk’ missiles? The Native Americans are a peaceful people. Before the Europeans came to this land, the Native Americans were living in peace and harmony. They were one with nature and with all things, man. It was a beautiful circle of life type thing. They didn’t have any wars or anything. I know this because it’s the image the media has given me. So, here the white man comes, with their AR-15’s, Uzi’s, and small pox, killing the Native Americans. After killing these people who didn’t even know what weapons were, we take their land and name our weapons after their weapons. This is totally shameful, man. We’re better than this.

Hey dudes. I wanted to talk a little about how to argue like a liberal… a TRUE liberal. The key is to mindlessly regurgitate prefabricated talking points in a completely incoherent fashion. This will confuse anyone with opposing views and they will be left with no option other than to fully embrace your words as gospel truth.

The more inconsistent the better. The biggest thing to remember is to not think. If you are thinking, you are doing it wrong. So, I’ve thrown together a quick video with examples of topics you may find yourself ideologically addressing. Take notes, dudes, and be prepared to launch the most illogical defense of liberalism you can muster!

So yesterday the Republicans in the Senate used the nuclear option to get their Gorsuch guy on the Supreme Court. Is this where we’ve come as a country? Now we’re willing to use nuclear weapons on our own people just to get some guy on the Supreme Court? Republicans should be ashamed of themselves, man.

Hey dudes, so, it should be obvious to anyone that Republicans, and Donald Trump in particular hate the environment and want to poison you and your children. I know it’s true because “Republican” is Latin for “lovers of poisoned air”. He hates animals like polar bears, refugees, and sea lions. So, for those of us in the resistance movement, we have to fight back.

How do we fight back?, you might ask. Well, I’ll tell you. We fight back by loving the environment, because love trumps hate, man. Right? So here are a few ways you can show your undying love for Mother Gaia.

Recycling Food

Dumpsters are a great place to grab a bite to eat. People throw away the craziest things. Sure, some of it is molded and smelly, but it’s all good man. Just brush off the mold, and don’t think of it as “old”. Think of it as “aged”. Food that is aged is more refined than regular food. Aged food goes for top dollar usually, and you’re getting it for free!

Don’t stop with the dumpster, though, man. If you’re in a food court and you see someone about to dump their half-eaten sandwich, jump in and ask “aren’t you going to eat that!?” Then berate them about how disgusted you are with their wastefulness. Then take the food and indignantly walk away. Even if you aren’t hungry at the moment, you can save that food. If you save it long enough, it’ll be aged. Also, don’t worry about being rude to the person you get the food from. Those people are negative, and you don’t owe people like that an apology.

Rinse and Reuse your toilet paper

This seems like a no-brainer to me, but shockingly, a lot of people don’t do this. I know the toilet paper industry has a lot to do with convincing people that toilet paper is single-use only, but don’t be duped by their greedy, capitalist deception, man. You’re better than that. You can reuse your toilet paper 3+ times if you just rinse it out and let it dry.

So anyway, we should always be looking for ways we can fight back against the ant-environment types. They want us to conform, but we’ll show them. We’ll eat garbage, never bathe, and use our toilet paper time and time again!

I was raised to whole-heatedly embrace the idea that everyone should get a trophy, regardless of skill, accomplishment, or even effort. I love chai tea, grain-fed free-range meat, and Bernie Sanders. I hate pollution, free market capitalism, and Republicans. Join me on my crazy journey through this thing we call life!