Capri Anderson (born name: Christina Walsh), the leased piece who felt the terror when she stared into Charlie Sheen’s coke canals of impending doom last month, made the media rounds yesterday to talk about the night Carlos Irwin Estevez brought the rage and forced her to lock her half-nekkid ass in the bathroom. Capri told both Good Morning America and Nightline that Charlie choked her ass out and threw a bunch of furniture at her after accusing her of stealing one of his fancy watches. Capri admitted that she was given $3,500 that night for her ho shit services and also said that Charlie tried to seal her mouth shut with a check for $20,000. But Charlie’s queefing out a totally different story.

Charlie denies both choking Capri and trying to buy her off for $20,000. Charlie says that Capri is the one who tried to snatch $1 million out of his ass in exchange for her silence. Charlie believes his story so much that he’s suing Capri for extortion. According to TMZ, Charlie’s lawsuit states that Capri threatened to fuck with his probation unless he handed over a million dollars. Charlie is currently on probation in Aspen, CO for changing the lyrics to George Michael’s “Last Christmas” from “I gave you my heart” to “I gave you a knife to the froat“.

The lawsuit is kind of hilarious and should come with its own laugh track. Charlie says that Capri tried to “embarrass him” and cause “damage to his career” by spitting out lies to the media and prosecutors in Aspen. Charlie says that he never whooped that trick and acted like “a total gentlemen” the entire time.

A total gentlemen?! Tell that to the family of the chandelier lamp he viciously murdered! A total gentlemen would’ve given Capri a hotel robe or a napkin to put on before she locked herself in the bathroom. A total gentlemen would’ve offered her a snort of his coke appetizer before throwing a Chippendale chair at her ass. A total gentlemen would’ve calmly sat on the sofa with his legs crossed while he called her a dumb stupid whore whose got his $165,000 watch shoved up her snatch hole. That’s how a TOTAL gentlemen behaves!

Charlie is also suing for the $165,000 watch he swears Capri stole. Capri’s lawyer responded to the lawsuit with this statement to People:

“It’s a blatant attempt by them to muddy the waters and confuse the situation. They are throwing a bunch of mud at the wall and hoping something will stick.

At the beginning of the night he was acting as a gentleman, but not at the end when he was threatening to kill her.”

And why do I think that OctoSana and Mel Gibson will throw a plagiarism lawsuit at Charlie and Capri for stealing their act!

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