Wednesday, March 16, 2005

The new T

The new T visit started out on a minor bad note, but ended up ok I guess. When I first got there the receptionist asked if I'd brought my paperwork with me. To which I responded, no because I mailed it in, I was told they wouldn't schedule an appointment for me until it was. I was told to have a seat and the T would be out in a minute. About 5 minutes later I hear someone ask where the paperwork was and the receptionist told the person it had been mailed in. I knew right away they were talking about me. Another few minutes passes and she comes to the front again and says she still can't find the paperwork. Another 5 minutes passes and the T finally calls for me.I know I wasn't waiting long, but it only took a second for me to become enraged that they couldn't find the paperwork. Paperwork I called and confirmed that they had received. Think my anger grew out of the fact that they had this appointment scheduled, I didn't just drop by unexpectedly. Shouldn't the T have already had the paperwork instead of making me wait while they hunted around for it? I can't handle disorganization...I really can't. I can't handle it from myself and I sure as hell can't handle it from people I'm trying to interact with.Anyway, I did calm down relatively fast because the anxiety took over once I stepped in her office. It was just one of those initial assessment visits. She had some 10 pages front & back of paperwork of her own that she had to fill out. Asking me all kinds of questions. Told her about all the past failed tries at getting help. Even about the DBT group associated with her office that was fucked up. Right after that she tells me that she would recommend DBT as a course of treatment for me. Told her I wasn't totally opposed to the idea, but that at the present time I was not in the state of mind to take that challenge on.Her schedule was pretty tight, so my next visit isn't until Friday the 25th. She said after that she'd probably be able to schedule something for the same day of the week at the same time. Guess we'll see what happens next week. I have to remember to tell her that I can't see her the week of the 28th unless she'll see me on Monday. Not sure she'd do that if I've just seen her 3 days before.It was really hard to be in her office. I was in a fairly good mood Monday, but once she started asking all these questions, I just wanted to break down and cry. Just had this wave of depression wash over me. I don't know if I was upset by the questions, though they were nothing out of the ordinary, or the lack of faith that this will work. Or maybe even the fact that I have a hard time retrieving information from my head and how that makes me feel stupid. Maybe it was all the above. I stifled the tears though I could tell she noticed my sudden shift in mood.Tonight I went to the monthly NAMI meeting. The focus was on schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder and bipolar. They had a psychiatrist there to speak on the topic. I originally wasn't going to go because I don't have any of those, nor does anyone in my family. Decided to go anyway and I'm glad I did. It was very interesting. Next month the topic is OCD which should also be interesting.I did tell the group about the website I'm trying to design to put a face on mental illness. Everyone there agreed it was an excellent idea and they made me swear I'd tell them when it was up & running. I should have made them swear to let me post their stories on it, but I didn't think of it til just now. I am still working on the site, but the progression is very slow. Just don't have my thoughts together to work on any of the copy for the different pages. Can't decide how much info I want to include on the various illnesses. Think maybe to start I'll just include links to other sites where people can find info on the illnesses. That way I can get it up & running quicker and then over time I can add symptoms, criteria and maybe treatment options.I do need to get a PO Box and should do that soon. Want to have a place people can send their stories to if they'd rather send them snail mail. Also where to send donations to help keep the sight running if people are so inclined. I don't want to list my home address, I wouldn't feel safe doing that.

3 Comments:

Don't take this the wrong way, but do you know that some people actually become their "illness." By that I mean they listen to other people ie: doctors, shrinks etc. and fail to listen to themselves or a "higher power." I say this because I was one of those people.

I thought "science and doctors" had the answer for my problems and that they could "cure me." Well, I think by looking at others rather than myself I began to realize how many people thought like this and they had given up.

They were now part of the "system" and not a part of the solution. These people live and die by what their doctors tell them because they have given up. Their life is now a full-time medical illness drama. I was even warned by a very wise therapist about "falling into the system."

Now I know what she means. I have been free from the "phycho-babble" now for 1yr! I still take my meds, but I don't need anyone to tell me how to think or what to think. I am my own person and I feel great. I do pity those caught up in the system, but trying to talk to them about it is like talking to a brick wall!

Only when a person is truly ready for change and really wants to get better, will they make the correct changes and begin to look out for themselves! I may be preaching to the choir, but it's just my way of telling a little about my experience.

I understand what you're saying about not becoming your illness and putting all your faith in someone else to "cure" you.

For me, I don't think the drs & therapists, nor science can cure me. I don't think they have the scientifically confirmed knowledge to do that. My biggest deficiency is probably that I lack the belief in myself. After all these years of being beaten down I don't think I possess the strength to work with the limited information the drs, T & science do have to get myself better. And like you said, until a person is truly ready for change will anything happen.

My desire at this point, with starting in therapy again, is that I can get to the point where I do want to change and hold onto life. I need to get there for my daughter.

Your welcome, Sid. By the way I put your link onto my blog. I hope you don't mind. (If you do, please let me know and I'll remove it). And by the way, I have my own blog. It's called "Izzyblog," and the address is: http://blogster12.tripod.com. Just thought I'd mention it for whatever it's worth.