HOLLYWOOD'S BIGGEST STAR IS REALLY, REALLY BIG

"Pretty sweet," Kong says. "There's nothing like being the star of a big hit movie." Actually, Kong is a bit bothered that he can no longer walk down the street in peace without drawing a crowd, the price of fame. He now has to wear dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

"Good," the agent responds. "Now, Kong baby, we need to start making some deals while you ASCIICHAR_e1 re red hot. I think we can get you 20 million per picture."

"Will I get to keep most of it?"

"No problem. Skull Island is an offshore tax haven. Now, do you want to talk sequel?"

"How can we do a sequel to 'King Kong'? I die at the end of the movie." "Don ASCIICHAR_e1 t worry. The screenwriters can cook up some way you can be brought back to life. Your director, Peter Jackson, got a whole trilogy out of 'The Lord of the Rings,' no reason why he can ASCIICHAR_e1 t do it again. This time you could go to France and climb up the Eiffel Tower, instead of the Empire State Building. Hey, then Jackson could use the same Part II title: 'The Two Towers.'"

"Gee, I dunno ... " Kong mumbles.

"Then back to New York for Part III, which will of course be 'The Return of the Kong.' It's a natural."

"You're right, Kong. When you're right, you're right. Sequels are never as good as the original. Still, we ASCIICHAR_e1 ve got a potential franchise here. You could be another James Bond, another Batman."

"You're not going to get me into another one of those cheesy 'King Kong Versus Godzilla' knockoffs, are you?"

"We had to do that one for the money, sweetheart. You'd been out of the public eye for a while. But now you ASCIICHAR_e1 re king of the world. You ASCIICHAR_e1 ll get A-List costars. Your next flick could be "King Kong Versus Russell Crowe."

"Yeah, those months studying at the Actor ASCIICHAR_e1 s Studio did me a lot of good. But I think I ASCIICHAR_e1 d like a change of pace."

"Change of pace?"

"You know, stretch myself as an actor. Do a prestige picture. Some highbrow art-house thing, earn some critical props at Sundance."

"I hear you, Kong baby. For some actors, that would be a shrewd career move. But I have to level with you. Your public doesn't want to see you doing some existential-monologue-on-a-park-bench type scenes. You're an action hero."

A growl rises in Kong's throat. " Are you saying I haven't got the acting chops for serious drama?" he snarls." You think I can't handle dialogue?"

"No, it's not that," the agent nervously assures him. "A little more experience under your belt, if you wore one, and you'd be another Anthony Hopkins. It's just that" ...

"Experience!" Kong roars.

"I'll show you experience. Forget movies for a while, I'll do some theater. I'll do Broadway. I'd make a great Oscar in 'The Odd Couple.'"

The agent is about to point out to Kong that he would bump his head against the fly loft in a Broadway theater, but he thinks better of it.

"Whatever you say, sweetheart," he says soothingly. "We'll get you prestige pictures. We'll get you costume dramas. You want to do an adaptation of some classic opposite Reese Witherspoon, we'll swing the deal."

"That ASCIICHAR_e1 s better," Kong says. "How about a remake of 'For Whom the Bell Tolls'? I've always pictured myself as a Hemingway hero. Or maybe one of the old Bogart flicks. Listen to this: 'Of all the banana stands in all the towns in all the world, she had to walk into mine.' Just let me get one Academy Award, and I'll be happy."