SAVAGE Love

Dear Dan: I was combing through some old columns/podcasts and came upon a few instances where you counseled women on selling their used underwear online. So I was wondering: Is this particular kink strictly limited to straight guys looking for ladies’ panties? Or is there a market for used men’s underwear? Because I’m one guy who would happily earn a few extra bucks selling my old boxer briefs.

Undie Noob Desiring Interesting Extra Salary

Dear UNDIES: Duncan Black — the gay porn star and male escort (duncanblackxxx.com), not the liberal blogger (eschatonblog.com) — does a brisk business selling his used jocks and briefs online. No offense to anyone, but I don’t think Blog Duncan could move as many units of dirty underpants as Porn Duncan. It’s like this: The more people who want into your pants, and the more sexualized your public image, the more people will pay to get their hands on the consolation prize that is a pair of dirty underpants. So unless you’re conventionally hot and willing to put yourself out there (show your handsome face and hot body online), UNDIES, you aren’t going to move many units, either. (I follow both Duncan Blacks on Twitter, and so should you: @iamduncanblack for porn, @atrios for politics.)

Dear Dan: I love my girlfriend, but here’s the thing: She might be a lesbian. I base that opinion on the fact that she’s dated women in the past, she hits on women when she’s drunk, and she has made out with at least two of her female friends in the last year. She says this is normal for girls. Most troubling is that our sex life has dried up. Despite having many honest conversations, she just won’t/can’t be sexual with me. I know what you’re going to say: Be honest and tell her what my needs are, and if she can’t meet them, ask for an open relationship. But that conversation is harder to have than I think you realize, Dan. Although it’s hard to see her hit on women/make out with her girlfriends when we aren’t being sexual, I can live with it because I love her more than I can say. My questions: (1) Is it unfair of me to ask her to define her sexuality? (2) Am I overthinking this? (3) Are the behaviors I’ve described normal?

Helping Evaluate Lesbian Preference

Dear HELP: 1. You know what’s unfair? Hitting on other people — men, women, whatever — in front of the boyfriend/girlfriend/ whateverfriend you can’t bring yourself to fuck. Your girlfriend is being unfair to you, HELP, and you have to stop making rationalizations for her shitty, inconsiderate, and cruel behavior.

Your girlfriend could be a lesbian, she could be bi, or she could be the kind of straight woman who has relationships with other women, hits on other women when she’s drunk, and makes out with other women biannually — that kind of straight woman is called a “closeted lesbian” — but getting her to precisely define her sexuality isn’t going to change this simple fact: She has no interest in fucking you. Not into men, not into you — what difference does it make? That rumbling sound you heard a moment ago, HELP, was millions of Savage Love readers mumbling “DTMFA” under their breath as they read your letter. Take their advice.

2. Yes, HELP, you are overthinking this. You’ve spent way too much time thinking about how you could make this relationship work — and what you might be doing wrong — when what you should be thinking about is how to extricate yourself from this doomed relationship.

3. Are we talking about her behavior or yours? If we’re talking about her behavior, HELP, it is normal — for scared and closeted lesbians with security-blanket boyfriends they can’t let go of. If we’re talking about your behavior, it isn’t normal — because very few people would swallow the shit she’s been feeding you. DTMFA.

Dear Dan: My fiancé came home, and his beard smelled like pussy — the sweet, healthy kind. He denied having his face in someone else’s business. Is there anything else it could have been? Help!

Sick In Minneapolis

Dear SIM: I have no idea what pussy smells like, SIM, as I’ve never had my face in that business. So I can’t really tell you what else it could’ve been — Clamato? Caramel corn? Crème brûlée? — because I have no frame of reference. But I’m running your letter in the hopes that otherwise-cute hipster boys will be inspired to shave off their ugly fucking beards to escape justified or unjustified accusations of infidelity.