There has been support from friends and colleagues than I could have ever hoped for.

Some family has been there.

Some family has not.

The Day to Day

I wake each morning and coax myself to get up. There is no problem waking, only rising. Knowing that I do not have to get up to take care of him, I find it hard to get up to take care of me. Work keeps me going for now. The routine of work Monday through Friday is a comfort.

Coming home to an empty home is again hard. Most of the time it is binge watching Netflix after work. For a while I struggled to eat properly. Some friends have been incredible in that endeavor. With their help I have cooked some and done lots of food reheating. I know some amazing people.

It takes a while for me to wind down at night. Luckily, when I do sleep, my sleep is no longer restless. I can usually manage 5+ hours. I don’t remember my dreams most nights. In the mornings, the cycle begins again.

My Sanity

I started reading a book called A Widow’s Guide to Healing. What is comforting is that I seem to be right on track with how many widow’s feel at this stage. This book is an easy read, and I am slowly working my way through it. I highly recommend it to anyone going through grieving of a spouse.

Every day, I lay a hand on his urn and take a deep breath. I remember him. Some days I talk to him. Some days I write to him. Some days I merely think about him.

Social media has been a blessing. My various support groups are places I can turn to when I’m low. It helps that I can be a comfort and help to others along the way. Some I have joined, some I have created. It is also great to be able to get images from Google that so aptly express how I feel at times.

No New Normal

I gave up trying to find my new normal. It’s been too much of a roller coaster, and I was tired of the heaviness pulling me down every time I came to a low point. The goal is to keep on living. For now, living means getting through the daily routine. In time, I hope my creativity really starts to come back. I have been so unmotivated. When I look around at my hobbies, I do miss them, but have no desire to work on anything.

Every day feels different, not better, but different. Some days I feel more like my old self with smiles, laughter, finding interest in life. Some days I feel like my current self with pensive brooding, tears, and a lack of caring about everything.

I am taking everything as it comes and surrounding myself with those who care. I am not begging anyone for attention. Oddly enough, I only feel bereft due to the loss of my husband. Others who have abandoned or exiled me, well, my attention is focused on those that are there for me. More on that next post.

I hope that everyone is having a decent holiday season so far. While this time of year is going to be hard with my firsts of Thanksgiving, Anniversary, Christmas, New Year, and his Birthday, I am trying to smile. Fake it til you make it, right?