Majority of this blog is about adoption loss. I am also the Mom to a 21 year old son and a 16 year old son. I am fresh out of adoption related topics so I will use this blog to write just about whatever is going on in my life and may throw in adoption and reunion in here when the urge hits me. I recently went thru a bad divorce. I know it was quick but I found love and that has brought me much needed happiness. I may write about my relationship at times.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

I watched quite a few episodes of Teen Mom on MTV. I enjoyed it, but I didn't put a lot of thought into the program. When the young couple placed their daughter for adoption, I still didn't give a lot of thought to it. Now I hear there is another season coming on and another couple who is choosing adoption. It makes me wonder about the motives of the show. I know all shows want ratings so drama will bring more ratings then if it was sweet. But it got me thinking. Who is sponsoring the show and what do they have to gain? Is it the adoption agency? Are the couples being told to act this way or that way and also only getting the juicy details on tape? Is the motive to lead more teens to choose adoption rather than raise the child themselves? If the program is leading teens to do anything, I hope it's to make the choices to prevent a pregnancy in the first place.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I tend to focus on the negatives. It's something I have to really try hard not to do. I struggle with trying to find the right balance in my life. I have to keep my emotions in check, be a Mom to two boys, a wife and work as a caregiver. Sometimes, I get too stuck on being online and just not doing much at all and not seeing the good in my life.In counseling, I am suppose to try to think of the good things so here are some.

My husband and I get along so much better. I been divorced once and we did a few sessions of marriage counseling and one thing that I took from it is that divorce isn't an option.

My husband has been sober since May!!! So proud of him.

My boys love me.

I still own my own home.

I have connected with another birthmom who can relate to me.

I have a good friend who now asks me questions about adoption.

I have a membership at the Ymca.

I have many pets that I adore.

My lab sits on me and actually hugs me. I am not crazy she really does.

I have a husband that supports my doll collection. Come on how many men can put up with dolls displayed in the living room and actually buys them clothes.

My husband finally got his car fixed yesterday.

My step daughter is having a baby soon. I am going to be a Grandma.

We both have jobs.

I have found a church that I like going to and just tonight, my husband says you need to go tomorrow, it makes you feel better.

Monday, January 25, 2010

My husband said my older son was pretty good this weekend. We only have him every other weekend and sometimes more. It just depends. Well, he said, he was pretty good, but he still just don't like him or like having him around. I know he is an 15 year old and even annoys me sometimes, but he is my son. I will even admit that when my husband was drinking and all the fighting went down, my son attacked him. It's been well over a year, if not two years now.He doesn't know how deep it hurts to hear him say that about my son. As a birthmom and I think Mom in general, my kids are my life. If anyone ever wants to hurt me or piss me off fuck with my kids. He did that. I don't get it. I would never tell him that I don't like having his kids around or that I didn't like them. He just knows how to kick me when I am down.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

I was 14 years old and almost sure that I was pregnant. My sister 1 1/2 years older than me told our Mom that she was pregnant. My tried to force an abortion. When that didn't work, she kicked my sister out.That left me doing most of the childcare for my younger brother and sister. I was afraid to say that I too was pregnant. I didn't want an abortion.So I just hid the pregnancy. It wasn't too hard, because my Mom was never home.During the early morning of Sept 11 1991, I was feeling contractions. So, I had to tell her. I told her that I was pregnant and lied about how the baby was conceived. We had never talked about sex. I told her I was raped. Big mistake. My Mom suggested/forced an adoption on me.I met an couple that my aunt knew that "couldn't" have kids. I wasn't educated on adoption at all. They seemed like the lesser of two evils, because I was told she would be kind of still in the family. i was told that I would get pictures and if my daughter ever wanted to meet me she could.

When the adoption was final they moved out of the state. I have only received two pictures. One before they moved and one that wasn't really for me. She must have been about three. When I asked my aunt to ask for pictures. they said no. I always felt like I was the evil one for asking.

Fast forward. About two years ago, I found their names in the phone book. Oct of last year, I wrote a letter and they ignored it. The end of march of this year, I wrote again asking for a reply and they ignored it too. I was able to find pictures of my daughter in the yearbooks at the liabary and have no question in my mind that the people I wrote are my daughter's parents. Seeing my daughter's face has helped me accept that she isn't a baby anymore and I just love seeing how cute she is. But it also makes me so sad, because how much distrust and disrespect of not even giving me so something as a picture.

My daughter lives about 1/2 mile away from my ex husband where my oldest son stays with his Dad. My son thought the grass was greener on the other side. My son has met the brother of my daughter. The brother was telling how he was a mistake or a accident and how his parents adopted his sister. It's the same girl. I am thrilled to death that she wasn't raised as a only child, but hurt that even with them going through a pregnancy and new baby that they didn't understand me a little more.

Izzy's birthday has been harder these last few years. The horrible events that happened on 9/11 our a constant reminder of my daughter and her birthday.

Being a birthmom has been the hardest thing to deal with in my whole life. I haven't found much that really is the cure all to my deep sadness that runs through me. I do enjoy life, but sometimes it hits me like a truck. I have enjoyed blogging and connecting with others who really get me. I have slowly been more comfortable in my skin and now I have two people in real life who actually ask me questions about adoption. Also, I have another birthmom that I was able to talk to. I have loved making a scrapbook for Izzy. I have been working on it for about 16 months now and it's so full. It's actually 90 pages of photos and notes and just my thoughts. I am still full of more ideas and treasure the book with my life. When it was first suggested to me, I thought boring old me. What could I possibly put in it? 90 pages later, I am saying, I wonder how much more this book will handle, because I can't quit working on it. I have tried to get family involved in making a page or two. Ya know as in a this is my memory of (Blank) But no one has came forward with it. Oh well.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

This isn't adopted related, but then again there is a lot more to me and my life than adoption. I know there is at least two teachers if not more than follow this blog so I am writing to get your thoughts and anyone else who feels like they have something to add to it.This is about Stephen is my youngest son. He will be ten in March. Here is a little background information on him and where I am getting to with this post.I went to my then husband's grandfather's funeral when I was about 37 to 38 weeks along with him. I wasn't close to this man, because I just hadn't seen him too many times. So, I we travel to two to three hour drive to the town he lived in. The visitation is one night and the funeral and burial is the next morning.To my surprise, I cried and cried, like I have never cried before over people dieing. I haven't cried like that since a death either. After, about two hours of crying, my then husband took me back to the hotel to rest. After, resting, he suggested we go to Kmart to walk around. So, when I got to the car, I felt a gush. So, we went to the hospital there and they said nothing was wrong.Then, we went back to the hotel and slept all night. I felt wetness every time I moved. So, we missed the funeral and went back to the hospital. They said that my fluid was leaking but not in labor. They told us to go to the lunch and come back and they would induce me. I was scared to death to have the baby there. I mean come on. They killed his grandfather, I didn't want them touching me. So, we go back and not in labor and make the choice to drive back to our home town to have the baby.We get back around 3 pm and he isn't born till 6 am. I had to be induced and out of all three kids it was the worst labor. But that's not my point. Well anyways, Stephen, didn't respond to the Dr's and needed medical intervention.

More info

He was tracked by a nurse because he was in the nicu section of the hospital. She came out at different times to check his development.

At 12 months, she was concerned that he wasn't talking much and wasn't walking.

At 15 months, even more concerned, now he isn't talking at all and still isn't walking. She refers him to get an assessment by early intervention.

At 17 months, he gets the assessment and is starting to try to take steps and still not talking. It's suggested that he get physicaltherapy, developmental and speech therapy.

Not too much later, they suggest he get Occupational therapy too and a developmental play group. He received all the therapy at home except the playgroup. Then, he started going into the centers where they have more equipment.

He did all these therapy's until the age of three

At three, he entered a pre school program for special ed. Also, attended summer school.

He spent the next year in the same setting.

Final year of preschool was with his normal peers. He continued to get therapy's at school and I took him to outside services.

At 5 years of age, he couldn't talk still. He had a few words here and there, but most people couldn't understand him.

He entered kindergarten with the IEP and some extra help, but wasn't given an one on one. We felt like the teacher did his work for him.

He is now, a 4Th grader. Still has an IEP and gets 300 hours a week in the resource room and speech and Occupational therapy. He stands out from his peers, but has been treated very well. His speech is still poor, but it's not bad compared to where he was.

I forgot at 2 1/2 a Dr said he had autism, but most people don't agree with it. His school calls him learning disabled and developmental delayed.

I have been feeling really discouraged lately. My son still struggles with basic math and they are doing the whole learning. They have encouraged him to use the calculator and also say it's okay if he can't write well, because of computers. He can read, but not very well. They say that he is at a O which is beginning 4Th grade, but I don't believe them. I don't see what they see.We found tutoring one night a week and he loves it. But here is where the no child left behind is leaving mine in the crack.My son's school district gives money to the schools based on some test scores and my son's school overall is doing well. So, they don't get any money to have tutors. I am happy that the school is doing well, but the high test scores don't really mean anything to me.There are plenty of other schools that get this funding, but my son isn't allowed to access those funds, because it's for their students. They are judging the school on a whole and that is leaving kids like my son slipping through the cracks. We even went and talked to one of the lower achieving schools and she even said that the only way to tap into the funds is to move him to another school who's test scores are not so high. She basically admitted that he is falling through the cracks with the no child left behind act. Then, she had the nerve to say did I help you? Duh! no you didn't. Changing my son's school isn't an option. He strives on routine and I can't risk exposing him to children that would single him out.My goal is to not send him to Summer school and work with him as in home schooling. I just don't get how he can learn 4Th or yikes 5Th grade work when he is struggling with basic math. I want to bring it to his level and also try to still expose him to the higher grades. I won't even get started on how school's just pass you on even if you aren't learning the material. Then, the high school students are shocked that they can't graduate. Why not let them? We passed them on by all the rest of the years.Thoughts anyone?

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I screwed up and deleted all the blogs that I had on my blog roll when I was trying to make some changes. I will have to re add them, but it might take me a few days. Some of them, I will have to blog hop around to find them again.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Every once in a while, I just want to throw out a reminder of the private blog, because I know it doesn't come up in the readers. I continue to write in both, because they each offer me something different. I feel like this blog has touched too many lives to totally go in hiding, but sometimes I feel the need for more private conversations. The link is at the bottom of my blog roll. If anyone wants to be invited to read it and you have a profile and a blog open for me to see who you are just leave me an email address.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

The reason I asked adoptive parents how you all felt about your children's birthparents calling the child you adopted as her son or daughter was because, last weekend I was blog hopping and came across an adoptive mother's blog who was upset because the birthparent called the child my son or daughter. Also, said that she didn't deserve to call him or her that. It made me wonder how you all felt. I wasn't upset at the blogger, because I don't know their whole story. I don't even remember where the blog was.I am glad that the majority feel comfortable with the birth parents calling the child my daughter or son. When my husband and I used to fight over the adoption issues he would tell me I didn't have a right to call her my daughter, because she wasn't. It always hurt a lot, because I wasn't able to give her much and I don't have much, but don't take away what little I do got.I can relate to wanting to keep a special name until you have children that you can raise, because well think about it. When we have dreams of having children, we don't have dreams of letting others raise them. So, if someone had a dream of a child and a name, I could see why they might want to save it for the child they get to raise. I did get to name my daughter though, but if I ever had a daughter to raise her name would have been Isabella.If I was able to ever talk to Izzy's parents and said something like what a beautiful daughter we have or I am so proud of our daughter. I think that would be showing them respect and just overall kind of saying, you did a good job and I am not a threat to you.Lastly, when asked how many children, it's always been hard and is still hard. I always say two boys, but Izzy is on my mind. It's not that I want to deny her, but I am just not comfortable talking about adoption out in the open as much as I am when I write.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Hey adoptive parents, I have a question for you. I will tell you what I think, but you go first. How do you feel when your children's birthparents refer to your child as their son or daughter? This could be they are saying it directly to you or just in general. How do you feel and why do you feel that way?

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Jessica, Thanks for the comment. I try so hard to have an open mind and also to educate others in a respectful way. I really don't think any family should have to think adoption is the answer, because funds are short. I think everyone if they qualify should use what programs that are out there if their is a need for it. I would even say the adoption tax credit.sisterhelping, I think if people take the time to stop and think a lot of us took risks but so escaped unharmed. I agree we shouldn't kick people when they are down. I think if people think people who are young,earn less money shouldn't parent.. well because it's not "our" fault you opened your legs. I think it can go both ways. It's not our fault that some people can't get pregnant. If they want me to live in my reality then they should live in theirs. I do know that not all adoptive parents are thinking this way.April, I do think an pregnancy crisis place is the best place for a women with unexpected pregnancy to get counseling about her options. They can be unbiased and also know where to send you to get some help. Also, when it comes to counseling. I don't think the fact that you will make some couple very happy who can't have kids. It doesn't belong in counseling. If someone chooses adoption then it needs to be what they believe is best for them and their baby. The happy couple is just a side thing.

Monday, January 11, 2010

I don't want to start another huge debate or for this to feel like an attack, because that isn't my reason for this post.In a recent post I wrote, "I do not think that I should have to "support" you. You are the one choosing to keep your child and if you really don't have the means to do so, maybe this isn't the best choice. I do believe in charity, but if adoption was abolished I think "the system" would be OVERFLOWING with those needing support."

* I believe that there are legitimate people with legitimate problems that need help.* I believe that there are a lot of people who could work, who don't and live off the system.* I believe if you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences (not talking about rape).* I believe that if you are choosing to have a child, you need to put them first, not you.* If you don't have a way to support children, a way to put a roof over their heads and food in their mouths, then you need to take precautions and not have any until you can.

This post was from Tracy's blog from when she was talking about anti adoption stuff. I don't normally copy someone's blog and I hope you don't mind Tracy. I do feel that you felt under attack and fired back. But Can I be really honest here. This post made me feel bad and feel bad for the Mother's who bank account isn't overflowing with cash.

First off, I believe that if I sat around and waited until I had a fat bank account, I don't think I would have been ever able to have any of my kids. I am willing to admit that my Dad did help me with a place to live with my boys, because both times, we just couldn't live on my husband's paycheck alone and that was with him working two jobs. I am doing well today. I am married. I work as a caregiver and I own my own home. I still don't have a fat back account, but we are not starving or do we lack what we need. I even have a computer as I type.

I do know that there are people who milk the system and try not to work and get support from the system. I don't agree with anyone doing that. However, just because someone is getting assistance from the government doesn't mean they don't work. We all can't be lawyers and doctor's and in high paying jobs. Someone has to work at the grocery store so you can buy food and their are plenty other examples of lowing paying jobs that have to be done.

I got very upset over the I don't have to "support you" comment. Maybe you(not meaning just Tracey) are one of the lucky ones who has never worried about not making the bills met and maybe you never counted your money trying to make it last until the next payday. I have been there. I still have to watch what I spend and make sure that I can provide our needs over our wants. But that doesn't make me a bad parent. It doesn't mean that I shouldn't enjoy being a Mom, because I can't send them off to a private school or buy all the cool games they like to play. However, I can provide their basic needs and then some. I am there for them when they need me. That is what being a parent is about. and if people have to rely on a little help in the beginning, middle or end of their children's life then that's why the programs are there for.So, you don't want to support other people for having children too soon. So, you think adoption is the answer. What really gets under my skin is how after adoptive parents adopt.. they get the credit for adoption on their taxes. Where do you think that money comes from? Oh and their is the earned income credit for people with kids to get a break on their taxes for those that qualify. I suppose adoptive parents aren't getting that. Every year, I get a refund back on my taxes and yes it's nice. I use it for whatever I see fit. Would I be unable to make it if I didn't get it. I will be honest. Sometimes, it really does save us. I will even admit, maybe I use it as a crutch, because I know I can count on some money in the winter. These programs are there to help people and I don't feel any Mom should made to feel bad, because she needs help with food, WIC, or housing. They shouldn't made to feel second best to their own kids, because they don't have a fat bank account. I don't believe for a second that my son's suffered for our bad timing for having kids. I look at it this way. Maybe some people can't have kids, because they waited for the perfect moment and it escaped them.Also, I think some people really need to think about others. Yes. Maybe you didn't or never used the programs I have mentioned. But would you? If your children were hungry? Or would you choose a family that had the money to feed them? If you lost your house? Would you try to find help with housing or would you choose adoption? I hope you don't have to face that kind of choice. Because can You really do what is best for your child? Can you choose adoption? Can you do what I did?I do see how Tracey felt like she was attacked when she tried to talk about people who are anti adoption. I am not anti adoption. In all honestly though, I don't think women facing an unexpected pregnancy should get her counseling from an adoption agency. I feel better now.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

I lost a few followers but that is ok. I don't take it personal. I know sometimes, it's a matter of someone deleting their blog. However, I do have a question for anyone who cares to answer. After you choose to follow a blog and then later just you lose interest or maybe they said something that you don't agree with.. do you choose to stop following them? Personally, if I lose interest or really just for whatever reason don't want to read them anymore. I do nothing. I just don't go read. But mostly, I like to read lots of blogs. There are some bloggers that I feel more of a connection to than others. Also, sometimes, I do need to take breaks from bloggers when they do finally adopt. Sometimes, it's just too hard. So what do you do?

Friday, January 8, 2010

Sometimes, I feel that adoptive parents feel that they are more entitled to children than the birthparents, because they have more money. Let's face it, most birth parents can't afford to adopt so they do have less money. However, that doesn't mean that just because someone doesn't have as much money as someone else that they can't be a parent.I know their are some situations where adoption is probably the best choice, but I don't think money should be the biggest reason for adoption. I know there are people who choose to have kids and live off the system, but I don't believe that is the majority. Besides, I think they are cracking down of that kind of stuff. No longer can someone receive a monthly check just because they have kids.It makes me upset when I see someone say something like I don't want to pay for someone else wrong timing to have kids. There are programs in place to help people. WIC for example. Women, infants and children. I see no wrong in someone using that program. I used it for both of my son's. That's what it is there for. To ensure healthy Mom's and children. WIC can offer so much more than just milk and a few of the basics. They can connect you with resources such as where to get clothes, furniture and many more little things that could help a Mom keep her baby if money is a problem. Let's be honest here. Babies are expensive. So are kids. But a little help in the pregnancy and the beginning can go a long way. Of course someone who applies for WIC has to prove that they meet the requirements for the program. So, this is for working people too.There are plenty of other resources of hard working families. I personally know someone who applied and was approved for a habitat humanity house. They don't give them away for free. They do pay and have to volunteer many hours of service before they can even move in the house. Also, people who qualify can go to college for free. There is nothing wrong for those who qualify.I guess what I am trying to say is be careful on who you step on as you climb up the ladder. Because life can change fast and you never know if you will lose a job or a spouse dies of whatever and you will want these programs to help keep your family intact. Or will you choose what is best and place your child for adoption? I don't think so. You will be on the phone and in the lines with others so you can do what is best for your child. Seems like a double standard. What is good for me isn't good for you. Suddenly, money isn't a reason to choose to place your child for adoption. I am not speaking to anyone in general. Just letting off some steam.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

As a Mom, when my babies were newborns, if they didn't wake me up for that 3am feeding and I woke up at 4 am. I would fear they were dead. I would panic and check to see if they were breathing. Sometimes, I would even move the babies arm to see if he was alive. Then, he would cry. I always felt dumb after the fact. But it never stopped me from doing it again.As a Mom, when my son's were crying and I couldn't tell why. I would have fears that something bad is wrong.As a Mom, when my son fell, while trying to walk to his potty chair and hit his head. I was scared. I panic.As a Mom, when both of my son's went through the stages of ear infections. I was scared. When both at different times, had tubes put in, I fear something terrible would happen. I wasn't at ease until my kids were out of surgery and in my arms.As a Mom, when my kids are being rough. Boys are boys right. Ya know the wrestling and jumping and climbing trees. I have this fear.As a Mom, when my kids learned how to ride a bike. Fear.As a Mom, as my son's learn how to swim. Fear.As a Mom, when my oldest son dives and does all that scary stuff in the pool. FEAR!You make think geeze she is crazy! I am not. Children die. They die in pools. My son knows that. A very good friend of his died in the same pool we swam in for three summers. Kids get hit by cars. Kids get kid napped. So yes, I do have fear, but I let them live their life and sometimes I have to close my eyes.

I say this with tender compassion, but I do not believe all birthmothers feel the intense lingering grief that you do that Laurie left.I really don't know what the percentage of birthmom's feel the intense lingering grief that I do. My only experience for the most part with birthmom's is blogs. I have seen some that are bitter and angry and some like me where I think I am in the middle and then those are the ones who are shouting adoption is so wonderful. I want to know what they are drinking, because I want some.I do think that a lot of my grief comes from that I do feel like my daughter was stolen from me. I didn't get the support from my family. It was her way or the highway. Also, the highway meant that she would be without a babysitter. I didn't have a lawyer to represent my rights of any kind. I think they judge asked if I understood what I was signing, but what 15 year old is going to speak up to a judge.If I try to answer what causes the most grief I am not sure I can do it. It's gonna be a toss up between the loss of Motherhood to Izzy and the lies that her parents told me as a young child just to get a baby. I will even say just for the record, maybe I heard what I wanted to hear. I don't know. I have felt a lot of grief over the issue that they can't seem to trust me.I think the scariest part is that fear I was talking about. I am not talking about that I fear that they had her in the closet and only feeding her bread and water. Or the fear that they beat her. It's the everyday stuff. I had fears that she would be sick or hurt and their were no ways to calm my fears. I couldn't just touch an arm and see that she was still breathing. I couldn't close my eyes as she climbed a tree and open them after she is down. I couldn't hold my breath while she jumped in the pool. I had no way to get my reassurance that she was ok. Just because I wasn't her Mom didn't mean that I didn't have the same feelings of fear.So, I have lived in a lot of regret, fear and resentment. I have missed my daughter terribly. I am sure her parents did a good job of raising her. But I wanted to do it. Not because I was better or worse or anything. She was my daughter to raise. But I can't change the past. I can only go with the future. Also, if any of my family, from my side, is still reading this. I heard this maybe true. Then, I want you to know that I don't write to hurt you or make you feel bad. This is my story, as I remember it and it's my right to talk.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I have some thoughts twirling around in my head about this comment. I say this with tender compassion, but I do not believe all birthmothers feel the intense lingering grief that you do that Laurie left. I am not upset or anything but I want to further write on why I think I feel that lingering grief. But for today, I am going to give it a rest and talk about a friend of mine.

I met Rachel before I even knew how to drive. I was at work and asked some lady who I had talked to on many breaks from our job and asked her for a ride home after work. I kind of forgot about how Rachel and I met until she refreshed my memory. The lady told me she couldn't give me a ride home, because her cat was sick. This is where I met Rachel. She offered to give me a ride home. She didn't know where I lived or anything. But recently, she told me how shocked she was that she used the cat as an excuse. So Rachel, started driving me home every night. We got to talking and when we would get to my place, we would still sit and talk.

Then, we stated taking our lunches and breaks at the same time. See, I didn't know how to drive, because there wasn't a program in my high school and my parents just weren't into teaching their kids to drive or use their car. I can't say I blame them. hehe. When I married, I settled into the routine of being the wife who didn't drive. I was just like his Mom. I walked places and took the bus and caught rides. To some extent, I didn't mind it. It was my way of life. My husband didn't like to come out at night to get me, because of the little kids. I always had a rule about not taking the bus home at night. I would say I will do it once and only once. After that one time, I won't have a job. I was scared to walk at night. So that's where Rachel really saved my day.

In about 2003 or so, I finally learned how to drive. It was ok getting by but with a child that needed therapy four times a week, I was tired of relying on public transportation. I started driving myself, but that didn't end Rachel's and mine friendship.Then, our company shut down and a lot of people were crying and made promises to keep in touch, You know how that goes right? Well, I knew Rachel and I would, because we already seen each other out of work.Rachel and I have been the best of friends. We go for lunch and the wait staff is wanting to kick us out. haha. We don't just eat. We hang out and talk about anything and everything.

My husband's car is broke and we haven't really had the money to do much with it. Plus, my husband isn't good with cars. I asked her if her husband knew anyone that could look at it and let us know if it's something minor and maybe we can afford it. If not at least we know what's wrong and can go from there.

Today, they are sending a friend to look at it. This friend is going to buy the parts and fix it and my friend's husband is going to pay him for it. Then, we will pay her back. This is just so sweet of them. It really drives me crazy with just one working car. I know some people can make it work, but my husband and I hours at our job just doesn't make it work very well. Part of me goes into panic mode, because I honestly believe my first husband didn't want me to drive. But that is just my impression. He never said so. I don't have many friends. But I always believe that you don't need too many if you have one or two really good ones.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I think my last post I went off the topic, I meant to get across. I am shocked that more birth mom's are not addicted to drinking or drugs to dull the pain. I can never seem to escape the feeling of loss from my daughter's adoption. Some days are better than others. When your not allowed to parent your child and have to have someone else do it. It's too easy to let your self esteem take a real beating. Also, it just doesn't help that I went through all these years without having someone that I can trust to talk to. How do you trust after such a thing.I married young. I just wanted to get on my next step in life. I also had my first son, only three years, after my daughter. It wasn't an ideal time to have a baby, but I longed for my daughter so bad that I thought if I had another baby, I wouldn't hurt. Then, it didn't work. I did still hurt. I wanted more kids. I still thought another baby would do the trick. That's a lot of pressure to put on my kids. I had my last son nine years, after my daughter. If it wasn't for my husband at the time. I would have had about 10 kids. How crazy would that have been? We are divorced and I do owe him that. We only had two. But I wish I had more. But not ten. So, while I don't touch drugs and only drink once in a while, I can relate to those who choose to bury the pain. I choose to sleep. I love to sleep. Then, if I am lucky, I can get peace.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

I think it's pretty common that birth parents don't receive counseling after the birth of their child. My daughter's birth was pushed under a rug.. shhh don't tell anyone and just the fact that it was never mentioned again sent a signal to me that I did something bad. I left my child with strangers to raise. I didn't know them at all. What kind of Mom leaves her kid with strangers? As a child, I was taught not to talk to strangers, but I gave my child to strangers. It really does something to you.The only counseling I received was because the school set it up. Even then, it was a big joke, because after 9Th grade ended, we met at McDonalds. So I quit seeing her. I wonder how many birth parents turned to drinking or drugs as a way to lessen the pain. I know I turned to drinking for a while, because it was the only way not to feel it. I am happy that realized that it wasn't the answer and moving away from my aunts house didn't hurt anything. She makes me sick. I will never forgive her for what she has done to me.Last month, we went to a benefit for one of my aunts and gave a few dollars and my husband says that if this aunt up and dies then we will be there stealing from it. hahaha. Famlies should stick together, but I have learned that you can't count on others. It's not that kind of world.

Friday, January 1, 2010

2009 is gone and 2010 begins. Wow!!! is what I have to say about it. I was looking back at some old postings of mine and was shocked at how long they were. Did any of you really read them? Ha! I am amazed at the turn around my life has taken. Somethings I will choose to leave private, but others I can share.My husband and I relationship has much improved. I went from wanting out to never wanting to part. I am just crazy about him. I love him more today than I did when we married. I have made a decision to not throw around the divorce word. Divorce isn't an option for us. My husband has remained sober for over six months now. I hope he don't mind me bragging. He isn't super weird on me and doesn't seem bothered that I like to have a drink once in a great while. But then again, I drink the kool-aid crap and he never did. My children seem much happier too.I no longer do live in care. The husband is dead and the wife is rotting away in the nursing home. But she is in one of the nicer ones though. I was invited and paid to attend the funeral and sit with the family. I am still working as a caregiver, but it's really been testing my patience, but I can't see myself not doing it.I spent quite a few hours in counseling between Pastor K and his wife or just his wife and the adoption agency counslor. Did it help? I think it helped as a source of a outlet and also for someone to reassure me that all would be okay.I am going to be a Grandma this year. I had fun telling my family that, because my oldest son is only 15 years old. but it's not my son.. it's my husband's daughter.. which makes her my step daughter so that makes me grandma. Which means maybe I can babysit and buy dresses and baby dolls for her.This year, I have become a little more open in talking to people about my daughter. It's still not a really easy subject for me. Well, I better get my doggy in from the cold and get some sleep. Happy new year!!!

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About Me

At the young age of 15 years old. I had a baby girl and was pushed to choose adoption. I was uneducated and uninformed on how there are different types of adoption. It has been a long lonely road as a birthmother and forever damaged the relationship I have with my Mom. I write two blogs. One I keep a little more private than the other.