July 10, 2007

The Joy Of Sox Nickname Glossary

Bartleby: Mark Bellhorn - Character in Herman Melville's 1853 story "Bartleby the Scrivener: A Story of Wall Street", who often said: "I would prefer not to." Bellhorn did not swing at a lot of pitches.

Bronx Bigot: Mike Mussina. Likely player alluded to by Peter Gammons in January 2000 ESPN column as someone who "has splattered" locker rooms with John Rocker-esque racist comments. Boasted he would never play in New York.

Bronx Bonger: Jeff Weaver - You mean he's not a stoner?

Buckethead: Kevin Millar - see KFK.

Buffy: Jamie Campbell, Blue Jays play-by-play announcer, Rogers Sportnet - Looks the little boy from Family Affair (whose actual name on the show was Jody and his sister was the one called Buffy, but Buffy is the name you think of if you think of the show, and it sounds better).

BuffyVision: The "station" on which I watch Red Sox/Blue Jays games in Canada.

Cabin Mirror: Kevin Millar - In early 2003, as the Red Sox tried to get Millar out of the Japanese contract he had signed, a SoSHer ran an online Japanese article through Bablefish, which translated Millar's name as Cabin Mirror. At a Boston book signing, a SoSHer told this to Millar. He was amused. Also used with Seinfeld line: "Cherish the cabin" and as either "Cabin" or "Mirror". aka KFK.

Cactus: Jason Varitek - On August 15, 2009, as the Rangers stole eight bases in eight tries on Varitek, Kevin asked: "Can we just sit a cactus behind home plate? I think it would have more luck throwing out runners..."

CHB/Curly Haired Boyfriend: Globe employee Dan Shaughnessy - Coined by an angry Carl Everett, who told the Globe's Gordon Edes to get out of the locker room "and take your curly haired boyfriend with you". Popularized and shortened to initials by Boston Sports Guy Bill Simmons. It remains Everett's greatest contribution to Red Sox history, greater even than ending Mussina's perfect game with two outs in the 9th.

Gasbag: Peter Gammons - Used more often during the Dan Duquette era when Gammons had to get in a swipe/dig/insult at the Sox GM in every single story he wrote (even if it was about the hot dog vendor for the Brewers' A club). aka Old Hickory, Gammo.

GDGD: GodDamn GameDay.

Gerbil: Don Zimmer - Second dumbest man in the history of dumb. aka %$@*#&*.

Gidget: Derek Lowe - In July 2004, he was asked about his state of mind. "When Pedro or Curt or anybody pitches a bad game, they pitch bad. I pitch bad and I'm a Mental Gidget."

Grinning Jackass: Grady Little - As the Red Sox's chance at a win melted away, usually due to his idiotic managing, he was often seen smiling like an idiot in the dugout. aka Gump, Huckleberry Happytalk.

Gumball: Jeff Bailey - Was using a gumball machine at a truck stop between Scranton and Rochester in the wee hours of the morning when he was told that the Red Sox were calling him up.

Gump: Grady Little - The dumbest man in the history of ever. aka Grinning Jackass.

Homre: See doung (thanks to Joe Grav).

HGH: Jason Giambi - MLB tests for steroids, so this is How Giambi Hits.

HH: Clay Buchholz. aka Laptop.

Hombre: Alan Embree.

Horseface: Andy Pettitte. aka Tucan (Sam).

Houdini: Jon Lester - For his remarkable ability in his rookie season to, after letting several guys on base, pitch out of trouble. Used in reference to Daisuke Matsuzaka in 2008.

Jeemer: Hideki Okajima - From Remy's pronunciation.

Joe Migraine: Devil Rays announcer Joe Magraine.

JtC: Joba Chamberlain - From Josh Beckett's dugout admonition to the MFY reliever after he threw two pitches at/over Yook's head: "Get out of here, you fucking cunt!" aka: Joba the Hut.

Laptop: Clay Buchholz - Boston Globe, March 31, 2006: "Clay Buchholz, a righthander from Angelina Junior College in Texas, was taken last summer with a first-round sandwich pick by the Sox, as other teams passed because Buchholz had been arrested for stealing 29 laptops from his high school and selling them." aka: HH.

"Make Tito Apologize": Said when the Red Sox are piling up runs. Refers to the Red Sox's 25-8 win over the Marlins in June 27, 2003, after which Gump apologized to Florida manager Jack McKeown for supposedly running up the score. Naturally, the very next fucking night, Boston scored seven times in the 6th, but Shithead Gump eased up with a 9-2 lead. Florida got four in the eighth and four in the ninth and won the goddamn game 10-9. Moral: NEVER stop scoring runs.

Malphabet: Doug Mientkiewicz - His last name is hard to spell. aka Eyechart or "M" and then slap random keys on your typewriter, e.g., Msldkh'VHJS.

Mayor, the: Sean Casey -- He got the nickname while playing for the Reds because of his outgoing personality and willingness to chat with anyone.

MBM: Manny Being Manny - The process of putting up Hall of Fame batting stats and being an all-around entertaining person.

McMoron: Tim McCarver. Once a good announcer, now hopelessly senile.

MDC: Manny Delcarmen.

MFY: No explanation necessary. aka: the Chokers, Evil Empire, EE.

Microwave, the: Darnell McDonald - Coined by Dustin Pedroia after McDonald's pinch-hit home run and game-winning single against Texas on April 20, 2010.

Mockery: Lou Merloni - Who said after being demoted to Pawtucket: "I'm frustrated about the way the organization has portrayed my career. In a sense, they have made a mockery of my career and a joke of it." Not too much later, Ben Affleck said during a NESN telecast: "Hitting .192 is making a mockery of your career."

Mop, the: Kyle Farnsworth - From George King of the New York Post, April 18, 2008 (JoS mention here).

Mordecai: Kevin Brown - From Deadball Era pitcher Mordecai "Three-Finger" Brown, after he punched a wall in New York and broke two of his fingers on his pitching hand.

Mr. Weebles: "Coined" by Jimy Williams in a fictional interview by BSG Bill Simmons ("As you probably know, Mr. Weebles is the microscopic man that lives in my mouth and orders me to make some of my quirkier moves.")

Mrs. Garret: Garret Anderson, after the character Edna Garrett from The Facts Of Life sitcom.

MUMS: Made Up Manny Shit - The lies, rumours and assorted unsourced bullshit the sports media spews about Manny Ramirez.

Napkin, the: John Burkett - Coined by SoSH's Maalox: "When you have to wipe your ass and you're all out of toilet paper, a napkin is better than nothing." I.e., he ain't Pedro, but he'll do if he's all you got.

Nomar Garciapopup: Former shortstop with the maddening habit (OCD?) of swinging at the first pitch (and often hitting it straight up in the air). aka Nosmarts.

Oatmeal, We Have Oatmeal: In 2007, when the night's lineups would be posted online, I'd often announce them in the game thread with: "We Have Lineups!" That reminded me of a sign you often see in diners/coffee shops: a paper plate tacked up on the wall with "We Have Oatmeal!" written on it - with a little smiley face. It must be a diner tradition. So Oatmeal = Lineup(s).

Ococ: Coco Crisp - Coined by my partner Laura. Why were some TV announcers, even after Nomar had been in the majors for more than 10 years, still informing us that his name came from his father's name (Ramon) spelled backwards? And why did they say it as if a huge secret was being revealed? As time went on, Laura and I would say stuff like: "Hey, did you know that Pedro's father's name is Ordep?" She soon dubbed Coco Crisp "Ococ" (pronounced Ock-ock). This ties in with a classic from fellow blogger Jere. In June 2005, he posted some pictures of the Red Sox's trip to Cleveland. One caption: "Jhonny Peralta was dropped off by his wife or girlfriend, who brought the dog along for the ride. 'Brak, brak, I'm Jhonny Peralta's dgo!'"

Old Hickory: Peter Gammons - From his resemblance to Andrew "OH" Jackson (the 7th US president) on the current US $20 bill. aka: Gasbag, Gammo, the Commissioner.

Passedballa: Jorge Posada - Not the best defensive catcher in baseball. Usually shouted gleefully at the TV as yet another MFY pitcher's pitch is rolling to the backstop (Dumbo doesn't even have to be playing). aka Dumbo.

RATS: Runners At Second and/or Third - A more accurate description than RISP (Runners In Scoring Position).

Red Dot: Scott Kazmir - From the sweater in Seinfeld episode #29. ("When I was a little girl in Panama ...")

Rico Baldy: Rocco Baldelli - NESN had two kids read the lineups on May 7, 2009 and the kid doing the Red Sox batting order - a possible graduate of the Remy School Of Reading Promos (not looking at it at all before going live) - stumbled over Baldelli's name. It's also used at Center Field.

Ringo: Doug Mirabelli - From Ringo Starr, a marginally talented person who lucked into the greatest gig in the world. aka Stud Who Hits Bombs, SWHB.

Rutheberg: Scott Hatteberg - Coined by Peter Gammons, during his anti-Sox period, in a season preview at ESPN dated March 30, 2002: "And the monster springs from Jeremy Giambi -- who may have grown up out of his brother's shadow, especially after a winter of strict conditioning -- and Scott Rutheberg (aka, Hatteberg) may get them by for awhile." (Hatteberg had had a very strong spring training and Gammons was taking a back-handed swipe at Dan Duquette for letting SH leave via free agency.)

SASAHE: Swinging At Shit Around His Eyes - Usually directed at Jason Varitek, who has a serious problem laying off very high fastballs. This is made doubly annoying by his frequent attempts to get opposing hitters to do the same by coming out of his crouch as a high pitch is being delivered. Unfortunately, it almost never works.

Saturn Nuts: Bronson Arroyo - Inspired by Curt Schilling, who posted in the SoSH Game Thread before 2004 ALDS Game 3: "Friday is going to be a legit struggle, got a team fighting for its life against a kid making his first ever post season start, FWIW I take the kid Friday night, he's got nuts the size of Saturn." aka: Saturn Nads, Saturn, Brandon.

Toilet, the: Yankee Stadium - SoSH origin: So many asses sit there. Also looks like a bedpan from the air. aka Stade Fasciste.

Thermos, the: Tony Clark - With the Red Sox in 2002, his bat stayed cold while all his teammates were hot.

Truped: Being suckered into believing a home run has been hit when it clearly has not. From long-time Red Sox radio announcer Jerry Trupiano's excited calls -- "Swing and a drive! WAY BACK! WAY BACK!" -- on anything from a pop-up to short center field to an obvious foul ball down the line, to actually home runs. In 13 years calling Red Sox games, he never figured out what we all learned at age 10: watch the outfielder. Responsible for perhaps hundreds of car accidents throughout New England. (You can also be truped by poor camerawork while watching TV.)

Way Back: Former Sox pitcher John Wasdin - who allowed a lot of home runs (thus prompting many "WAY BACK!" calls from Jerry Trupiano).

"We Have Oatmeal": See Oatmeal.

White Flag: Mike Timlin - Bringing him into a game is giving up on any chance of a win. aka Old Yeller, Toast, Toasty McWhiteflag.

The funny thing about "Truped" is how for years, my family and ONE other Sox fan friend I grew up with always called this phenomenon "getting Castiglioned." And by the time Joe got his act slightly more together, there was this new guy, Trup.

But with Castig it was always, "There's a fly ball DEEP to left, Winfield going back to the wallll...but the wind holds it up and he TRACKS it DOWWWWN."

Also, about the pronunciation of BBellhorn: reminds me of when I was little, I'd say Luh-loyd Muh-moseby.

I know this post is really, REALLY old but I propose adding "Cecil" to describe Dustin Pedroia. This came about as I watched a game at Fenway in 2007. When he came to bat and they posted his photo on the scoreboard, I turned to my wife and remarked: "He looks just like Cecil Turtle from the old Looney Tunes cartoons." Even today, I look at his face and all I can see is Cecil Turtle.