Forget NBC, the NHL is perfect for Comedy Central

Welcome to the NHL Yuk-Yuk Lounge, and remember, there’s a two-drink minimum for customers --- a six-pack minimum for referees.

We’ve got a great show planned, but there are always some surprises. You just never know how many Brendan Shanahans will be getting out of the Volkswagen Beetle.

Did you hear this, folks? The NHL suspended Coyotes thug Raffi Torres indefinitely for that dirty, flying hit on Marian Hossa. The Blackhawks forward had to be stretchered off the ice, but there was no penalty on the play. Torres’ hearing will be Friday, which gives the NHL time to, you know, find an employee who saw something.

Did you catch Raffi’s comments? He called his flying hit “a hockey play.’’ In the same way, I guess, that Michael Barrett was making “a baseball play’’ on A.J. Pierzynski’s face.

Are you like me, kids? Do you like video? Well, here’s a treat: Shanahan, the NHL sheriff, delivers explanations of his supplemental discipline on video. Yeah, it’s a cool thing. I hear the playoff collection can be viewed at funnyordie.com

Gary "Giggles'' Bettman, the proprietor of the NHL Yuk-Yuk Lounge, said nobody looks at this stuff as extensively as Shanahan. Whoa, that’s saying something. Normally when you devote that much time to something and still come off badly, you’ve at least been governor of Illinois.

Let me take a poll of our audience here: Raise your hand if you also expect Shanahan to suspend Hossa for targeting Torres' flying shoulder with his vulnerable chin.

We’ll have to wait until after Friday to find out how severely Torres is punished, but Hawks fans can only hope his suspension is bigger than Shanahan’s clown shoes.

The Coyotes, of course, see it differently. No, wait, that’s wrong. Then Coyotes didn’t see it at all. That’s what they all claimed after the game. That goes for the coach, Dave Tippett. Let’s see now, the play involved two of the biggest guys on the ice, it happened right in front of the benches, and there was almost nobody else around. But Tippett didn’t see it. Well, if this coaching thing doesn’t work out, he’s on the right track for becoming a referee.

Have you heard this Tippett guy, kids? He sounds a little concussed, if you ask me. He apparently watched a video of the play and apparently didn’t see Torres leave his skates and fly into Hossa’s chin. I’m not sure how you miss something so obvious, but I’m thinking, if the guy has no idea what he’s seeing and makes no sense, he’s got a shot at Shanahan’s job, too.

But wait. There’s more. This Tippett guy said the whole thing is a big deal because the Chicago media is screaming about an injury to a Chicago player. Get a load of this: He said all media protect the local teams. Really, Tippett guy? Really? I believe Lovie Smith wants a word with you. Same goes for Jim Hendry. Jerry Krause. Milton Bradley. Dusty Baker’s 2004 Cubs. And a whole bunch of McCaskeys.

Hard to believe, kids, but that wasn’t even the dumbest thing out of this Tippett guy’s mouth. You know what’s coming, don’t you? Yep, the whole “you never played the game’’ stupidity. That’s when a coach or player hits bottom. That’s the white flag in any argument. This Tippett guy said if you’ve never played hockey, you can’t understand about stopping and turning and blah, blah, blah. Yes. Well. I guess if you did play the game, then you’re the only one qualified to come off like a blithering idiot trying to justify a Neanderthal’s moronic behavior that brings shame and disgrace to the team, the league and the game.

Oh, and here’s something else for you: The NHL is running the Coyotes. Man, we haven’t seen such a combined conflict of interest and confluence of stupid since TribCo ran the Cubs.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. You’ve been a wonderful audience. Tip the wait staff, and now, put your hands together for Alpo Suhonen.