IDS demands that the Filipinos work in Poundland

Despite the recent generosity of the British people in reacting to the horrendous devastation left by Typhoon Haiyan, the Department for Work and Pensions has been asked to investigate the emergence of a 'benefit culture'. Ian Duncan Smith insisted that 'a little bit of inclement weather' should not prevent the sick and disabled from 'putting in a shift'.

While Prime Minister David Cameron has a pledged an extra £30m in emergency aid, he expected many of the half million displaced citizens would be required to 'stack shelves in Tescos' to qualify for payment. 'For the big society to work,' explained a DWP spokesman. 'You can not expect a something for nothing attitude'.

The Secretary for State is alleged to have called for a 'western Pacific works programme' to stop grief stricken 'spungers'. 'What the people of the Philippines need is hope, shelter and a job at Matalan,' declared the spokesman. 'The people of Britain have been very charitable in their donations but they need to realise it creates a poverty trap. Rather than send money and food why not send shares in Royal Mail, some inspirational quotes from George Osborne or an application form for Argos?'