Cool bands are so weird, right? It’s like: the coolest dudes out there are the one’s not giving a shit about what you think and puttin’ out mammoth and decadent and willfully tough-to-parse double-albums whenever their temperamental genius-asses feel like puking ‘em out. And yet, if you go around poking your finger into the back of your throat on purpose and all trying to willfully do that sort of cool-guy stuff intentionally, everyone calls you a poseur and goes back to listening to Bowie and Talking Heads whenever they wanna be reminded of Bowie and Talking Heads. They’re also fairly disgusted by your gnarly puke smell.

Where does that put Arcade Fire, exactly? Well, I’ll tell you (per Consequence of Sound): it puts them ALL OVER THE FUCKING ROAD in 2014, bringing their Reflektor show to North America for a pretty incessant run of stadium shows and festival dates and whatnot.

The band first hits the road in March, and don’t look now, but they’re taking lil’ old (relatively) humble indie acts Dan Deacon and Kid Koala along for the rock-star ride before hitting every festival everywhere this summer and beyond. Will Deacon and the Koala gang be forever and irrevocably changed by the utter hipness of touring stadiums with Arcade Fire? Will kids laugh at Deacon’s glasses? Will Kid Koala fit in and “be cool” when faced with a stage as giant and illustrious as Louisville’s famed “KFC Yum Center”?? Or will the puke just hit the fan? Only time will tell.

There’s a theory amongst certain wackjobs that aliens are responsible for the majority of humanity’s greatest achievements. The pyramids, Stonehenge, Nazca Lines, whatever. I mean, obviously that’s a lot of bullsht, but how else do you explain New York City rapper Le1f? I mean, I’m not saying Le1f’s booty-poppin’ genius is the result of extraterrestrial life forms, but I’m also not NOT saying it. And now Le1f is poised for an alien invasion so sweet the dance floors won’t even care that they’re being conquered: the release of his first work for Terrible/XL Recordings, the Hey EP.

March 11 sees the EP’s digital release, and come May 6 it’s vinyl 12-inch time. A full-length LP will follow at a later point. Hey features production from Matrixxman, Harry B, Dubbel Dutch, and Boody, who collaborated on the insane track “Soda” with Le1f before. You can listen to all of track three, “Boom,” below:

Allow me to go in-depth about this new forthcoming Panda Bear album. According to Gorilla Vs Bear, “Panda Bear is once again working with Sonic Boom, this time on a ‘break-centric,’ 9th Wonder-influenced new album.” The post goes on to say that it’s “tentatively titled Panda Bear Meets the Grim Reaper.” Then it says “No release date yet for the record, which features tracks ‘constructed out of samples of self-made sounds’” and that it’s “‘meant as a celebration of the fact that new growth sometimes requires death.’”

Domino confirmed the new release in a short statement on its website. The first sentence says, “We are pleased to announce that the forthcoming Panda Bear album will be released on Domino later this year.” Second sentence begins with “Panda Bear is currently at work on the new album” then ends with “which is tentatively titled Panda Bear Meets the Grim Reaper, with Tomboy producer Sonic Boom.” The final sentence goes like this: “More details to follow.”

Still confused? Me too. Let me blockquote it for you:

We are pleased to announce that the forthcoming Panda Bear album will be released on Domino later this year. Panda Bear is currently at work on the new album, which is tentatively titled Panda Bear Meets the Grim Reaper, with Tomboy producer Sonic Boom. More details to follow.

Check out a newish track by Panda Bear, created for a new clothing line by designer Fernanda Pereira.

In some corners, February might be reserved for tear-soaked chocolate gorging and a fleeting acknowledgment that “Oh hey, it’s Black History Month,” but concurrent with this most mispronounced of months (along with the weeks immediately before and after) is a holiday that TMT has clearly and enthusiastically gotten behind: The Definitive Days of Dwyer, Man Who Likes Doing Things.

I’m verging on creating a horse made of dead skin out of the dead horse that I’m currently beating, but for the sake of those who are viewing this article in a vacuum and are otherwise totally unaware of his recent activities: YES, John Dwyer announced a hiatus for Thee Oh Sees last December; YES, Thee Oh Sees have a new full-length Drop coming out this April; YES, Dwyer is re-forming Coachwhips for shows at this year’s SXSW; NO, I do not like being this affirmative. WAIT… (you’re asking), go back to that second-to-last bit about Coachwhips performing at SXSW!

As a conceivable follow-up to the vinyl reissue of Hands on the Controls last September, the endearingly abusive and lyrically unintelligible project initially active from 2001-2005, Coachwhips, have a spate of shows scheduled in Austin next month, in addition to one in Los Angeles. Hints of something resembling a full-blown reunion actually came in October 2012, when the band performed their first show(s) in seven years at Total Trash Halloween Bash in Oakland. And if those shows were an indication, the band’s form at SXSW will be same as its first iteration, meaning Dwyer on guitar/vocals, John Harlow on drums, and Mary Ann McNamara on keyboard/vocals/unbridled tambourine handling.

“Coachwhips, my old band, used to do like… way more drugs and stuff.” Gain more insight into the Coachwhips/Dwyer lifestyle with this rather awesome (if somewhat dated) interview. Schedule and a taste of the forthcoming insanity below:

Dude, Forest Swords are my PALS right now! I’m not going to lie, readers; I was hard-up for music news to share with you today. In fact, I was ready to give up altogether and just go work some more on my super-awesome comic book at the Chipotle down the street like I do sometimes. But then… I open up my email one last time, and BAM: freakin’ Forest Swords (a.k.a. Matthew Barnes) to the rescue!

Barnes wrote to me to say that he had a new video for “The Weight of Gold,” the second single from last year’s much-enjoyed folky, dubby debut album Engravings. He went on to say that it was filmed in “a number of desolate locations,” and that it featured a dancer “whose abrupt movements are in perfect synchronization with the combination of haunting synths, ghostly vocal samples, spindly guitars and heavy percussion that when combined create the elusive producer’s unique signature sound.” I thought all those extra adjectives he used to describe himself were a little weird, to be honest with you; but I wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth. Regular ones, sure; but you’re just not supposed to do that with gift horses!

He also mentioned some other stuff I could use to pad out my story too! Including that he worked with filmmaker Benjamin Millepied on this one (who choreographed Black Swan and recently became the new director at the Paris Opera) and noted that “the locations Benjamin picked for this video really resonate with the track.” He also said that he has “always associated the songs on Engravings with the British landscape — woodland and sandstone, because that’s the environment I live in and produced the record in — but taking the music out of that context and placing it in Israel definitely shifts the track in a direction I didn’t expect.”

Oh yeah! Also, I guess you can also download the mp3 for “The Weight of Gold” for free right over here. And you can catch the man on tour all over the world (including a few newly added US places with How to Dress Well this spring) throughout 2014. Thanks again for makin’ it so easy for me, Forest Swords!

So yeah, check out all this stuff below. Meanwhile… I’ve got a Chipotle date with a burrito and some zany comic book Jujitsu-master wood ducks with attitude!

This one’s for all the putzes out there. Lo-fi R&B beatmaker Shlohmo will depart Los Angeles this spring for an extensive headlining tour. Because all L.A. residents are legally required to have something to do with Coachella, the producer will be playing both weekends of the festival before embarking on tour. A number of special guests are set to accompany Shlohmo on these shows, but the identity of said guests is currently unknown. You’ll just have to wait and find out, you big putz you.

Now hold on, putzes. I’m not done. Before going on tour, Shlohmo has a collaborative EP with R&B singer Jeremih titled No More coming out this March through Def Jam and Shlohmo’s WEDIDIT label. If you would enjoy listening to a song off No More that is also titled “No More,” please press “Play” below this paragraph. If you’d like to watch a semi-terrifying teaser video (with an out-of-date release prediction) for the EP, head to this particular YouTube page. If you’d like to be a putz, do nothing. You’re already a putz.