Her name is Audrey, and she’s amazing. But don’t take it from me. I want you to hear it from her. Because she is nine, and her self-esteem is rock solid, I asked her to make a list of the top ten things that make her feel good about herself. I put the exercise in context—Audrey and I discuss the disturbing way our culture treats girls and women (though she hasn’t been exposed to most of the damaging stuff out there, I know it is only a matter of time before I can’t control her content consumption, so we talk about it now)—and I suggested that if at any point in the future cultural messages start to get her down, she and I could refer to this list.

When Audrey first started to make this list, I had an instinct to editorialize—I wanted her list to be both lofty and unassailable from the outside (more emphasis on books, less on clovers and hair). But then I realized that this list is exactly the kind of list we all need—she should like her hair and the fact that she can find four-leaf clovers like a champ. Those things are awesome!

The list is simple, unvarnished, unconscious. It came out quickly—I don’t think it took Audrey more than a minute to write it. It’s just her own perception of herself at this particular moment, and it isn’t something she scrutinizes or doubts. It, like her whole being, simply is. And that is beautiful.

Maybe if we each made a list like this when we needed it—if we turned off the TV, laid down the magazine, told the inner critic we aren’t buying it today—we’d find that there’s some nine-year-old girl power in there, just waiting to go draw, read, swim, find clovers all day, and never get dizzy. Or whatever else our nine-year-old selves could dream up.

If we made this list on a regular basis—and we allowed it to include the simple, the unconscious, and the unvarnished—we just might find that we are more than the sum of our parts.

We might remember that we, in fact, are awesome. Simply by being ourselves, we are worthy of our own esteem—wholly, deeply, and unquestionably worthy.

Thanks, Rachel! I am having a crazy busy week, but when it settles down I will post some thoughts on ways I’m talking to my daughter about culture–and how that changes. I’d love to hear thoughts/ideas from you as well!

Readers–if you are inspired to write your own list, or to have your daughter, mother, grandmother, sister, cousin, best friend, aunt, boss, coworker, or neighbor write one, and feel like posting it as a comment here–go ahead! The more self-love we share, the more it goes round. :)

I did this with myself and my two daughters.
Kiran is 4. She feels good about herself when she is doing something she likes to do. She didn’t want to stop at 10.
1. I like making a Y. (writing)
2. Making U’s and I’s.
3. I like going swimming.
4. I like having ponytails and pig tails.
5. Watching birds.
6. Wearing hats.
7. Watching TV.
8. Flowers, violet flowers.
9. Being silly.
10. Carrying bags with me outside, and traveling.
11. Playing huggy-buggy.
12. Being with my friends, and Brooke.
Then she drew a picture on the paper, including a D and some W’s.

Rowan is 7. She wrote her own list, which is primarily things she is good at.
1. Being good at defense. (soccer)
2. Going down the slide (swimming pool)
3. Seeing a long way.
4. Being honest.
5. Playing outside.
6. Climbing trees.
7. Loving you.
8. Keeping track of things.
9. Having good ideas.
10. Playing with other kids.

Myself. Most of mine are achievements, some are things that make me special.
1. I have written a novel. (not done, but close enough that if I died today, I would want it published as is.)
2. I have birthed two children.
3. I’m better at 45 than I was at 25.
4. I’m in a stable marriage, approaching our 10th anniversary.
5. I feel really great when I do yoga.
6. I can play violin.
7. I’m pretty good at healing myself and at sharing that with others.
8. I prune my trees.
9. I’m a better proof-reader than just about anybody I know.
10. I’m pretty balanced, more than most people I know, ie, emotionally/mentally/physically/spiritually.