Who will comfort America's most eligible 17-year-oldPatrick Schwarzenegger if his parents divorce? Maybe Miley Cyrus, who might be maybe-dating him. "Miley is so over bad boys. After she heard Patrick was interested in her, Miley jumped into action." She "got Patrick's digits from their mutual pal Selena Gomez" (?!) and went on "several coffee dates." She's "looking to rope Patrick into a full fledged romance," but Arnold and Maria Shriver disapprove because they fear "Miley might lure Patrick into the Hollywood party scene." Is a word of this National Enquirer story true? Can we make it true by crossing our fingers? Patrick's going through a difficult time. Let us give him the gift of Miley Cyrus and a bong full of salvia. [Enquirer, images via Splash and Getty]

Before hauling herself back to rehab, Whitney Houston went to a bunch of Prince concerts and was such a boozy mess that Prince's staff had to ban her. Apparently she begged for tickets constantly, and then would show up and harangue Prince to let her onstage, but His Holiness of High-Pitched Funk always said no because his handlers "didn't want [Whitney] to embarrass herself." [TMZ]

Katie Holmes is not pregnant, she just slouched a little after eating a meal, OK? [E!]

Lindsay Lohan will formally submit her "no contest" plea in court today. She probably won't get jail time beyond the 120 days she's already been sentenced, of which she will serve either 14 days, 84 days, or 0 days, depending who you ask. [TMZ, TMZ, Radar]

Want to see Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez kiss in slow motion at a press conference in Indonesia? Here you go, you pervert. [People]

Theme party enthusiasts and obsessive-compulsive wedding vow renewers Heidi Klum and Seal renewed their wedding vows for the sixth time in six years at a Palm Beach garden party event that required them to dress like extras in Eyes Wide Shut. Heidi lifted her skirt and flashed the crowd (accidentally?) while the Seal-Klum for family pictures. I'm Heidi and Seal found each other; it takes a pretty specific personality to throw an extravagantly costumed vow renewals every single year. [Us]

Speaking of which, a pair of Amazing Race winners wed at an Amazing Race theme wedding, as if to say, "Yes, Amazing Race was the peak of our lives. We own this fact." [People]

You can buy a ticket to party with Teresa Giudice. The price is $75 per person. [P6]

Marie Osmond remarried her ex-husband in her original wedding dress, but has new engagement and wedding bands. Whereas her body grew very little over the years, her husband's diamond purchasing power has grown significantly. [DailyMail, image via INF]

Penelope Cruz on Hollywood assholes: "If there's one thing I can afford to do, having worked so hard for all of these years, it's that if I go into a meeting with someone that is offering me a movie and I can clearly see they are going to be an asshole, I will not do the movie. No matter what it is." [OhTheScandal]