When my older son Alex was a child, he did everything before he knew how and without considering if it would work. He walked and fell, rode a bike and crashed. He tried to be a grown-up his way. He crashed, he burned, he learned.

When my younger son Nicolas was a child, he didn't do anything until he knew he could do it without fail. He waited until he was 16 months old to walk, and one day, he stood up and ran. He read when he could understand complete sentences. After many difficult bike riding lessons with his father, he couldn't do more than one or two pedals before falling. Then one day when his father was facing the other way, Nicolas took off down the street.

Alex is an anarchist. He is a hater of leaders and laws, a college graduate and now a writer who envisions a government as slim as a piece of paper. He despises anything that enforce rules on the masses -- traffic signs, tax laws, social norms and customs.

Nicolas, on the other hand, was a military history major, now a police-academy aspirant and law-abiding citizen with one moving violation that he erased through traffic school.

At one time, these were my happy little boys, my sons who played together all day on the weekends, slept in the same room for years. In that small bedroom, they had an enormous Lego town, a town that stayed together through two moves, only dismantled when Nicolas was a sophomore in high school. When they played with the town, Alex took charge, taking the role of the main character; Nicholas was everyone else.

They both went to the same college, called each other frequently, hiked together, laughed together. But when Nicolas began to become the man he is, their ideologies started to pull them apart.

Nicolas could no longer go to the rallies, the protests, the angry mob scenes at the United States Army base in Tacoma. He couldn't listen to Alex's wild tales of anarchist revelry. He began to despise all that Alex stood for, and their drives home from Washington State began to get ugly, full of silences or harsh words. When Alex found out that Nicolas was applying to police departments for work, he felt his brother was attacking his principles.

Our last meal together, all of us sitting around the table of our new home, was as unpleasant as could be.

"Could you just stop?" Nicolas yelled, putting down his fork. "I can't listen to this propaganda anymore. You're just lazy. You just don't want to work."

Finally, after more emotional punching, Nicolas pushed away from the table. Alex followed him in to the kitchen, words flying like missiles, despite my attempts to break up the fight. I eventually managed to quell that argument, but throughout their visit here, the fight erupted again and again, ending with a tense, silent ride up to the Northwest and a standoff that lasted for months.

I have a photo on my desk of my two curly-headed boys, Nicolas hugging Alex, Alex's arm pulling him close. Both are smiling big-toothed smiles. But these two little boys are gone. And the little brother doesn't want to be the tag-along anymore. He's his own man, with his own values and his own life, and what he wants is his brother to accept him. Alex fights back, wanting his ideas to be heard and honored. Seeing that the past is slipping away, big brother grasps for the memories of what was.

I also want to cling to that long-ago brother relationship because it was magical. Somehow, I thought back then, I did something right with these two.

The fighting. This is the part of parenting that we don't think about when children are in diapers. Here is when children become adults, and adults don't always agree and then happily eat peanut butter-and-jelly sandwiches together. Young adults learn how to individuate, and that's what I'm watching now.

It's possible that these two will never come back to one another. The fight could be the axe that splits their relationship wide open, forever irreparable. I close my eyes and breathe in hard when I think of them forever at opposite sides. Siblings are the closest relationships in time and age and place. Siblings know each other in ways no one else can, and to see my boys approach an end to this connection is more than I can bear.

Though it's possible things may never be repaired, and their eroding relationship is painful for all three of us, I have faith that buried beneath the hurt and anger is that hug, those smiles, those two boys in the photo taken so long ago.
Jessica Barksdale Inclan is a novelist who teaches literature and creative writing for Diablo Valley College. Visit her at Red Room to read about her work, including her supernatural romance novel Being with Him, now available in paperback.

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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 18)

same here, two son;s neither will allow the other to see his brother or they will leave with their kids.i say let them go, neither has ever worked and wants to stay the stay at home mom.money will bring them back, i wouldn't want them back under those conditions.

Yes, it is sad when brothers who were close growing up no longer communicate because their wives do not and will not try to be civil for their husbands' sake. Also, it's sad when the daughters-in-law will not allow their children, my grandchildren to visit me. I miss my grandchildren very, very much.

I also have two adult sons who haven't spoken or seen each other in two years. This also started with their 2 wives not getting along! It is breaking my heart . Their children don't know each other! As a mother and a grandmother,I don't know what to do!!! Holidays are the worst! How do you deal with holidays? I feel your pain and hope someday for peace in your family!! Any coping strategies and suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

After reading the story of Alex and Nicolas and how it affects those who love them unconitionally I will make all effort to bridge a distance which has developed between me and my sister and brother. This distance is hurtful to my 93 year old mother and your story has brought this to light. Even in middle age we still have some growing up to do before it is too late.

Oh how I can relate. I have four daughters, the oldest has always disliked my third daughter. Many reasons for this which would take far too long to include in this comment. Suffice it to say there have been many altercations throughout the years.

Somehow these two unlikely daughters wound up buying a home together at the NJ shore in which they lived year round as their primary residence. Last year my oldest decided she no longer wanted to live there. She wanted to sell and she would not agree to condo the property unless my third daughter gave her over $90,000 to compensate for the loss that is being taken due to the housing crash. My third daughter did not want to sell, but does not have that kind of money. NJ tenants in common law provides that one owner should not be forced to live in a house they no longer want. However, it does not provde the other owner with the protection of not having to sell your home when you don't want to.

My oldest daughter sued my third daughter on this premise and won the case based upon legality alone, not necessary morality. My youngest daughter has now been forced to put on the market her home which she has lived in and loved for 14 years, had her babies, and wanted to stay "forever."

As a mother I have been torn apart by this event, my heart is more than broken, it almost seems dead. Witnessing my third daughter's anguish as she has to prepare to move out of her home is more pain than a mother can take. But witnessing the hate and fervor with which my oldest daughter has pursued this end is undescribable. What does a mother do with that?

You know, this sounds mean, but I would write my eldest out of my will and make sure she knows it and why. I am a mother and althought I agree you should never take sides with your children (one child versus another) I also believe you should never reward mean spirited behavior from one child to another. Some actions should not go unpunished and this is one of them. She not only hurt her sister, but her neices/nephews/you and other family in the process. That is mean to the bone and should not be tolerated. By you or anyone else. I bet she treats strangers with more civility than her sister, and that is the true point and why it defines her behavior as mean to the bone. If she were my daughter, she would find me to be totally intolerable right now. I mean no offense, but you sound a little door mat when it comes to this. Step up and be your eldest's mother. Just because she's an adult doesn't mean she is beyond parental censure for her actions.

you smack some sense into the eldest daughter. You tell her how wrong you think it was, you tell her how it makes you feel to see them fight like that, and how cruel it was of her to make her sister leave after so long. I find such a thing to be totally selfish and if she were my daughter I would tell her as such, how would she feel if you as her mother turned around and sued her for all of the things you bought for her over the years plus interest plus cost of raising a child? Not same exact scnenario but roughly same hurt. And she is an adult now, if you are afraid of hurting your baby, dont be.

Jennifer and Annoymouse, your not right....Mother of the 4 daughters. I am so sorry that your oldest did such a mean thing to your 3rd daughter. Thats terrible. I counldn't imagine such a selfish thing. But I would stay out of it. The only one that could mend something or fix anything is God.

Growing up as a child I wasnt found of my babysister, acutally we had a boxing match and I punched her in the face, one time I pulled her up off the floor by her neck. I was a very angry child and hated my sister bc. She was thin, popular and a Mommys girl. And she took everything from me. My mom did nothing, but prayed. One day I turned my life to follow after Christ Jesus. Guess what, I am not angry anymore. I dont have hate for my sister but love and compassion. We have gotten more close then ever before. Right now shes preggers and I am over the Moon for her. I talk to her everday. Before I had my daughter we had sisters day. We are over due for one but, I love my sister, and I would do anything for her. Only Christ can change someone form a hating mean and full angry person, to a loving and giving person. Prayer for your daughter and let and allow Christ to interven.. I pray the same thing for your daughters and these two boys of this Mother. God bless

I think you are being unfair to your eldest daughter by taking the side of your other daughter over the fact that she ended up having to move out of the house. It is evident that both of them invested in the home for 14 years and it is only fair for a partnership arrangement like that, that if one of them wants to sell out or move, that they should be compensated for their half. Maybe not even half, be be willing to negotiate fairly with the other one. But it sounds like your favoring the side of your 3rd daughter and that she is playing 'the Victim' card with you getting you to take her side of the issue.

If she truly wanted to stay in the home, why didn't she have it appraised and take out a new loan that included a fair share to pay off her older sister's share. Should your eldest daughter be EXPECTED to just hand over her entire investment to her for nothing? That seems like to me that she is taking advantage of the situation. Obviously, it was tried in Court and the outcome was fair and balanced.

If I were you, I'd stay out of it and let them figure it out. It's not your fight and neither should you judge either one. That borders on sheer favoritism to one daughter over the other.

Sounds like your favoring one over the other. Are you sure you're getting the balanced picture or just the 'victim's' side? If the oldest is that angry at the 3rd, what promted such anger? It didn't just spring up out of nothing. The problem sounds deeper than you're making it out to be. In addition, given that you've posted this online, and are clearly siding with one over the other without revealing the whole story, you have probably damaged your own relationship with the eldest daughter. Don't be surprised if she stops talking to you too.

The request by the older daughter was unreasonable, the younger daughter would only have to come up with 1/2 of what the condo is worth today. They both lost in the recent housing cruncn. The court would not have just made her sell the condo, without the option of paying the older daughter her market share value first. If the condo is sold it would even get less than the market value when you add the real estate commission and other fees when you sell a home.

The scenario that you describe is not one you should have been involved in. They are adult children. People change and I'm surprised they lived together for as long as they did. Both daughters deserved fair market value and since the younger one didn't want to buy her out, the older one took the only path left to her. Sound to me like the younger one is unreasonable. You have damaged your relationship with your older daughter by sticking your nose where it didn't belong.

As upsetting as it is for you to see your daughters in conflict, remember property is only bricks and mortar. It never pays to invest too much in material posessions. Your eldest daugter wanted to recoup her investment. Your younger daughter wanted to keep the property. She knew what her sister was like, so why invest in a home with her? There are always two sides to every story bide your time and keep your own council, a hard lesson learnt is one worth learning. Good luck to you and your daughters.

I have an older brother who's personality is far different from mine. He has had difficulty in relationships, work, etc.. I have been very stable in career and my marriage. We are from the same mother who raised us with the same love. We had our differences growing up and really are not that close today. We respect each others views and share the same love for where we came from. My mother wishes we were closer but the fact is we are two different people and choose not to be close. We may be family but we are not the same so no sense pretending to be something we are not. Our mother made no mistakes in raising us she and other mothers need to recognize the differences that keep people apart no matter what their relationship may be.

I know very well what all of you are saying, i have 3 daughters, the only difference is they do get along. And all three did not talk to me for yrs. now 2 are coming bk but my oldest. Do not know, and she also, in a situation betrayed me very badly, i do forgive her but can she forgive herself, and it is sad i do not see my grandson, at all. my middle daughter we talk but with schedules its hard but we are on our way. My third is now in last yr of college and she calls me now to. How does one mother bear the pain.

That is the fallout of course. My relationship with my oldest daughter is over and that's bad enough. But I have also lost the relationship with her two children, my beloved grandchildren, that I helped raise for six years when they all lived with me. They are my first and oldest grandchildren who are 23 and 21, a grandson and a granddaughter, who I love dearly and they loved me too. Now they have been forced to be loyal to their mother, which I understand, but it is a painful, tragic loss for the love we once shared. There is no word to describe the pain I feel in realizing that I will never be part of their lives again.

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