GENERAL JOSHUA.

(April, 1882.)

Mountebank Talmage has just preached a funeral sermon on General Joshua.
It is rather behind date, as the old warrior has been dead above three
thousand years. But better late than never. Talmage tells us many things
about Joshua which are not in the Bible, and some sceptics will say that
his panegyric is a sheer invention. They may, however, be mistaken. The
oracle of the Brooklyn Jabbernacle is known to be inspired. God holds
converse with him, and he is thus enabled to supply us with fresh facts
about Jehovah's fighting-cock from the lost books of Jasher and the Wars
of the Lord.

Joshua, says Talmage, was a magnificent fighter. We say, he was a
magnificent butcher. Jehovah did the fighting.

He was the virtual commander of the Jewish hosts; he won all their
victories; and Joshua only did the slaughter. He excelled in that line of
business. He delighted in the dying groans of women and children, and
loved to dabble his feet and hands in the warm blood of the slain. No
"Chamber of Horrors" contains the effigy of any wretch half so
bloodthirsty and cruel.

According to Talmage, Joshua "always fought on the right side." Wars of
conquest are never right. Thieving other people's lands is an abominable
crime. The Jews had absolutely no claim to the territory they took
possession of, and which they manured with the blood of its rightful
owners. We know they said that God told them to requisition that fine
little landed estate of Canaan. Half the thieves in history have said the
same thing. We don't believe them. God never told any man to rob his
neighbor, and whoever says so lies. The thief's statement does not
suffice. Let him produce better evidence. A rascal who steals and murders
cannot be believed on his oath, and 'tis more likely that he is a liar
than that God is a scoundrel.

Talmage celebrates "five great victories" of Joshua. He omits two mighty
achievements. General Joshua circumcised a million and a half Jews in a
single day. His greatest battle never equalled that wonderful feat. The
amputations were done at the rate of over a thousand a minute. Samson's
jaw-bone was nothing to Joshua's knife. This surprising old Jew was as
great in oratory as in surgery. On one occasion he addressed an audience
of three millions, and everyone heard him. His voice must have reached two
or three miles. No wonder the walls of Jericho fell down when Joshua
joined in the shout. We dare say the Jews wore ear-preservers to guard
their tympanums against the dreadful artillery of his speech.

Joshua's first victory, says Tahnage, was conquering the spring freshet of
Jordan. As a matter of fact, Jehovah transacted that little affair. See,
says Talmage, "one mile ahead go two priests carrying a glittering box
four feet long and two feet wide. It is the Ark of the Covenant." He
forgets to add that the Jew God was supposed to be inside it. Jack in the
box is nothing to God in a box. What would have happened if the Ark had
been buried with Jehovah safely fastened in? Would his godship have
mouldered to dust? In that case he would never have seduced a carpenter's
wife, and there would have been no God the Son as the fruit of his
adultery.

Talmage credits General Joshua with the capture of Jericho. The Bible says
that Jehovah overcame it. Seven priests went blowing rams' horns round the
city for seven days. On the seventh day they went round it seven times. It
must have been tiresome work, for Jericho was a large city several miles
in circumference. But priests are always good "Walkers." After the last
blowing of horns all the Jews shouted "Down Jericho, down Jericho!" This
is Talmage's inspired account. The Bible states nothing of the kind. Just
as the Islamites cry "Allah, Il Allah," it is probable that the Jews cried
"Jahveh, Jahveh." But Talmage and the Bible both agree that when their
shout rent the air the walls of Jericho fell flat—as flat as the
fools who believe it.

Then, says Talmage, "the huzza of the victorious Israelites and the groan
of the conquered Canaanites commingle!" Ah, that groan! Its sound still
curses the Bible God. Men, women and children, were murdered. The very
cattle, sheep and asses, were killed with the sword. Only one woman's
house was spared, and she was a harlot.

It is as if the German army took Paris, and killed every inhabitant except
Cora Pearl. This is inspired war, and Talmage glories in it. He would
consider it an honor to be bottle-washer to such a pious hero as General
Joshua. When Ai was taken, all its people were slaughtered, without any
regard to age or sex. Talmage grins with delight, and cries "Bravo,
Joshua!" The King of Ai was reserved for sport. They hung him on a tree
and enjoyed the fun. Talmage approves this too. Everything Joshua did was
right. Talmage is ready to stake his own poor little soul on that.

Joshua's victory over the five kings calls forth a burst of supernatural
eloquence. Talmage pictures the "catapults of the sky pouring a volley of
hailstones" on the flying Amorites, and words almost fail him to describe
the glorious miracle of the lengthening of the day in order that Jehovah's
prize-fighters might go on killing. One passage is almost sublime. It is
only one step off. "What," asks Talmage, "is the matter with Joshua? Has
he fallen in an apoplectic fit? No. He is in prayer." Our profanity would
not have gone to that length. But we take Talmage's word for it that
prayer and apoplexy are very much alike.

The five kings were decapitated. "Ah," says Talmage, "I want five
more kings beheaded to-day, King Alcohol, King Fraud, King Lust, King
Superstition, and King Infidelity." Soft, you priestly calumniator! What
right have you to associate Infidelity with fraud and lust? That
Freethought, which you call "infidelity," is more faithful to truth and
justice than your creed has ever been. And it will not be disposed of so
easily as you think. You will never behead us, but we shall strangle you.
We are crushing the life out of your wretched faith, and your spasmodic
sermons are only the groans of its despair.

Talmage's boldest step on the line which separates the ludicrous from the
sublime occurs in his peroration. He makes General Joshua conquer Death by
lying down and giving up the ghost, and then asks for a headstone and a
foot-stone for the holy corpse. "I imagine," he says, "that for the head
it shall be the sun that stood still upon Gibeon, and for the foot the
moon that stood still in the valley of Ajalon." This is about the finest
piece of Yankee buncombe extant. If the sun and moon keep watch over
General Joshua's grave, what are we to do? When we get to the New
Jerusalem we shall want neither of these luminaries, for the glory of the
Lord will shine upon us. But until then we cannot dispense with them, and
we decidedly object to their being retained as perpetual mourners over
Joshua's grave. If, however, one of them must do service, we humbly beg
that it may be the moon. Let the sun illumine us by day, so that we may
see to transact our affairs. And if ever we should long to behold "pale
Dians beams" again, we might take Talmage as our guide to the unknown
grave of General Joshua, and while they played softly over the miraculous
two yards of turf we should see his fitting epitaph—Moonshine.