_Fran_. What, have you seen him then? the Devil's in these Women, andthere be but a Loop-hole to peep out of they'll spy a man,--I'm resolvedto see this thing,--go, retire, you Women, here's Men coming up.

_Isa_. And will Men eat us?

_Fran_. No, but they may do worse, they may look on ye, and Lookingbreeds Liking; and Liking, Love; and Love a damn'd thing, call'd Desire;and Desire begets the Devil and all of Mischief to young Wenches--Get yegone in, I say--here's a Lord coming--and Lords are plaguy thingsto Women.

_Isa_. How, a Lord! oh, heavens! _Jacinta_, my Fan, and set my Hair inorder, oh, the Gods! I would not but see a Lord for all the World! howmy Heart beats already--keep your Distance behind, _Jacinta_,--blessme, how I tremble--a little farther, _Jacinta_.

_Fran_. Come, come, Huswife, you shall be married anon, and then letyour Husband have the plague of you--but for my Gentlewoman,--Oh Lord--they're here.

_Enter_ Guiliom, Carlos, _and_ Pages, _&c_.

_Gull_. How now, Fellow, where's this old Don _Francisco_?

_Fran_. I'm the Person, Sir.

_Isa_. Heavens, what an Air he has!

_Guil_. Art thou he? Old Lad, how dost thou do? Hah!

_Fran_. I don't know.

_Guil_. Thou knowest me not it seems, old Fellow, hah!

_Fran_. Know you--no, nor desire to do,--on what acquaintance, pray?

_Guil_. By Instinct; such as you ought to know a Person of Quality, andpay your Civilities naturally; in _France_, where I have travel'd, somuch good manners is used, your Citizen pulls off his hat, thus--toevery Horse of Quality, and every Coach of Quality; and do you pay myproper Person no more respect, hah!

_Isa_. What a Dishonour's this to me, to have so dull a Father, thatneeds to be instructed in his Duty.

_Guil_. But, Sir, to open the eyes of your understanding--here's aLetter to you, from your Correspondent a Merchant of _Sevil_.

[_Gives him a dirty Letter which he wipes on his Cloke and reads, and begins to pull off his hat, and reading on bows lower and lower till he have finisht it_.

_Fran_. Cry Mercy, my Lord,--and yet I wou'd he were a thousand Leaguesoff.

_Guil_. I have Bills of Exchange too, directed to thee, old Fellow, at_Sevil_; but finding thee not there, and I (as most Persons of myQuality are) being something idle, and never out of my way, came to thisTown, to seek thee, Fellow--being recommended as thou seest here, oldVermin--here-- [_Gives him Bills_.

_Isa_. Ah, what a graceful Mein he has! how fine his Conversation! ah,the difference between him and a filthy Citizen!

_Jul_.--_Clara_ has told me all.-- [Jac. _whispering to_ Jul.

_Car_. That's she in the middle; stand looking on her languishingly,--your head a little on one side,--so,--fold your Arms,--good,--nowand then heave your breast with a sigh,--most excellent.-- [_He groans_.

_Fran_. Bills for so many thousands.

_Jac_. He has you in his eye already.

_Isa_. Ah, _Jacinta_, thou flatterest me.

_Jac_. Return him some kind looks in pity. [_She sets her Eyes, and bows, &c_.

_Car_. That other's my Mistress,--couldst thou but keep this old Fellowin discourse whilst I give her the sign to retire a little.--

_Guil_. I'll warrant you I'll banter him till you have cuckolded him, ifyou manage matters as well as I.

_Fran_. My Lord, I ask your pardon for my rudeness in not knowing youbefore, which I ought to have done in good manners I confess; who theDevil does he stare at so?--Wife, I command you to withdraw, upon painof our high displeasure.--my Lord, I shall dispatch your affairs,--heminds me not,--Ay, 'tis my Wife, I say, Minion, be gone,--your Bills, myLord, are good, and I accept 'em;--why a Devil he minds me not yet,[Julia _goes to t'other side to_ Carlos.]--and though I am not at myproper home,--I am where I can command Money,--hum,--sure 'tis myDaughter,--Ay, ay,--'tis so, how if he should be smitten now; the plaguyJade had sure the Spirit of Prophecy in her; 'tis so--'tis she--my Lord.

_Guil_. Prithee, old Fellow, Peace,--I am in love.

_Fran_. In love,--what, shall I be the Father of a Lord? wou'd it becomeme, think ye?--he's mighty full of Cogitabund--my Lord,--sure his Soulhas left the Tenement of his Body--I have his Bills here, and care notif it never return more. [_Looks over the Bills_.

_Car_. Dear _Julia_, let's retire, our time's but short.

_Jul_. I dare not with you, the venture wou'd be too bold in a youngbeginner in the Thefts of Love.

_Guil_. Her Eyes are Suns, by _Jove_.

_Car_. Oh, nothing is so ventrous as Love, if it be true.

_Guil_. Or else, two Morning Stars, All other Beauties are but Sootto her.

_Jul_. But shou'd my Husband--

_Car_. He's safe for one dear half hour, I'll warrant you, come.

_Fran_. Um--my Wife here still, must I begin to thunder.

_Jul_. Lord, and you be so froward, I'll be gone.--

_Car_. So, her Husband, kind heart, lest she should be cruel, hashimself given me the dear opportunity.--[_Aside_.--Be sure you keep theold Fellow in discourse awhile.

_Guil_. Be you as sure to cuckold him.-- [_Ex_. Car. _and_ Jul.--Old Fellow,--prithee what Person of Quality is that?

_Guil_. A Citizen's! what clod of Earth cou'd bring forth such a Beauty?

_Fran_. Alas, my Lord, I am that clod of Earth, and to Earth, if youcall it so, she must return again, for she's to be married to a Citizenthis Morning.

_Guil_. Oh! I am doubly wounded, first with her harmonious Eyes,Who've fir'd my Heart to that Degree,No Chimney ever burnt like me.Fair Lady,--suffer the Broom of my Affection to sweep all other Loversfrom your heart.

_Isa_. Ah, my Lord, name it not, I'm this day to be married.

_Guil_. To day! name me the Man; Man did I say? the Monster, that dareslay claim to her I deign to love,--none answer me,--I'll make himsmoak, by _Vulcan_--and all the rest of the Goddesses.

_Fran_. Bless me, what a furious thing this Love is?

_Guil_. By this bright Sword, that is so used to slaughter, he dies;[_Draws_.] old Fellow, say--the Poltroon's name.

_Fran_. Oh, fearful--alas, dread Sir!

_Isa_. Ah! sheath your Sword, and calm your generous Rage.

_Guil_. I cannot brook a Rival in my Love, the rustling Pole of myAffection is too strong to be resisted. _Runs raging up and down the Stage with his Sword in his hand_.

_Isa_. I cannot think, my Lord, so mean a Beauty can so suddenly charm aHeart so great as yours.

_Guil_. Oh! you're mistaken, as soon as I cast my eyes upon theFull-moon of your Countenance, I was struck blind and dumb.

_Fran_. Ay, and deaf too, I'll be sworn, he cou'd neither hear, see norunderstand; this Love's a miraculous thing.

_Guil_. And that Minute, the most renoun'd Don _Gulielmo Roderigo deChimeny Sweperio_, became your Gally-Slave,--I say no more, but that Ido love,--and I will love,--and that if you are but half so willing asI, I will dub you, Viscountess _de Chimeny Sweperio_.

_Isa_. I am in Heaven, ah! I die, _Jacinta_. How can I credit this, thatam so much unworthy?

_Guil_. I'll do't, say no more, I'll do't.

_Fran_. Do't, but, my Lord, and with what face can I put off Signior_Antonio_, hum.

_Guil_. _Antonio_,--hy, Pages, give order that _Antonio_ be instantlyrun through the Lungs--d'ye hear?

_Fran_. Oh, hold, hold, my Lord! run through the Lungs!

_Page_. It shall be done, my Lord! but what _Antonio_?

_Guil_. Why, any _Antonio_; all the _Antonio's_ that you find in_Cadiz_.

_Fran_. Oh, what bloody-minded Monsters these Lords are!--But, my Lord,I'll ne'er give you the trouble of killing him, I'll put him off with ahandsom Compliment; as thus,--Why, look ye, Friend _Antonio_, thebusiness is this, my Daughter _Isabella_ may marry a Lord, and you maygo fiddle.--

_Guil_. Ay, that's civil,--and if he do not desist, I'll unpeople_Spain_ but I'll kill him; for, Madam, I'll tell you what happened to mein the Court of _France_--there was a Lady in the Court in love withme,--she took a liking to my Person which--I think,--you will confess--

_Isa_. To be the most accomplisht in the World.

_Guil_. I had some sixscore Rivals, they all took Snuff; that is, wereangry--at which I smiled;--they were incensed; at which I laught, ha,ha, ha,--i'faith; they rag'd, I--when I met 'em,--Cockt, thus--_enpassant_--justled 'em--thus,--[_Overthrows_ Fran.] They turn'd andfrown'd,--thus,--I drew.--

_Guil_. Not a Man,--only run 'em through the body a little, that's all,my two Boys were by, my Pages here.

_Isa_. Is it the fashion, Sir, to be attended by Pages so big?

_Guil_. Pages of Honour always;--these were stinted at nurse, or theyhad been good proper Fellows.

_Fran_. I am so frighted with this relation, that I must up to myWife's Chamber for a little of that strong Cordial that recovered herthis morning. [_Going out_ Guil. _stays him_.

_Guil_. Why, I'll tell you, Sir, what an odd sort of a Wound I receivedin a Duel the other day,--nay, Ladies, I'll shew it you; in a very oddplace--in my back parts. [_Goes to untuck his Breeches, the Ladies squeak_.

_Isa_. Ah.

_Page_. Shew a Wound behind, Sir! the Ladies will think you are aCoward.

_Guil_. Peace, Child, peace, the Ladies understand Dueling as little asmy self; but, since you are so tender-hearted, Ladies, I'll not shew youmy wound; but faith, it spoiled my dancing.

_Page comes in_.

_Page_. My Lord, now you talk of dancing, here's your Baggage broughtfrom a-board the Gally by your Seamen, who us'd to entertain you withtheir rustick Sports.

_Guil_. Very well; Sir, with your permission, I am resolved whether youwill or no, to give the Ladies some divertisement,--bid 'em come in;nay, Sir, you stir not. [Ex. Page.'Tis for your delight, Sir, I do't; for, Sir, you must understand, aMan, if he have any thing in him, Sir, of Honour, for the case, Sir,lies thus, 'tis not the business of an Army to droll upon anEnemy--truth is, every man loves a whole skin;--but 'twas the fault ofthe best Statesmen in Christendom to be loose in the hilts,--youconceive me.

_Guil_. Sir, there is nothing like your true jest; a thing once welldone, is twice done, and I am the happiest Man in the World in yourAlliance; for, Sir, a Nobleman if he have any tolerable parts,--is athing much above the Vulgar;--oh,--here comes the Dancers.

_Enter Dancers_.

Come, sit down by me.

_Fran_. 'Tis my duty to stand, my Lord.

_Guil_. Nay, you shall sit.

[They dance.

_Enter_ Antonio.

_Ant_. Good day, Sir, I hope you will not chide my tardiness, I have alittle overslept my self, and am ashamed to see my lovely Bride, and allthis worthy Company attend.--But you, fair Creature-- [_To_ Isabella.

_Ant_. I beg your pardon, Sir, if it be so, poor Mortals can but grievein silence.

_Guil_. Alas, poor Mortal!

_Ant_. But, for you, _Francisco_.

_Fran_. Ah, dear _Antonio_, I vow and swear I cannot chuse but weep tolose thee; but my Daughter was born for a Lady, and none can helptheir destiny.

_Ant_. And is it possible thou canst use me thus? [_To_ Isa.

_Isa_. Take away that little Fellow; in pity of your life, I deign tobid you withdraw and be safe.

_Guil_. D'ye hear, hah?--this Lady has beg'd your life.

_Ant_. Beg'd my Life!

_Guil_. Vile Wretch, dar'st thou retort? [Draws, the Women hold him.

_Fran_. Oh, hold, hold, my noble Son-in-law, he shall do any thing;--dear _Antonio_, consider, I was never Father to a Lord all days of myLife before:--my Lord, be pacified, my Daughter shall be a Lady.

_Isa_. For my sake spare him, and be Friends with him, as far as you maydeign to be with a little Citizen.

_Guil_. Fellow, I forgive thee,--here's my hand to kiss in sign andtoken I am appeased. [_Gives him his hand to kiss, 'tis all black_.

_Ant_. A Pox of his honourable hand, 't had like to have spoiled all,--well, since it must be so, I am content.

_Guil_. So, now Peace is concluded on, on all sides, what shall we doto day besides eating and drinking in abundance; for to morrow I shallget my self in order for my Marriage.

_Cla_. What thinks your Honour of taking the Air upon the Sea, in aGalley, a League or two?

_Guil_. Ladies and Gentlemen, you are very welcome aboard--Come, put offto Sea, Rogues, Scoundrels, Tarpaulins, to your Business, and then,every man his Bottle,--hey, Page, Rogues, where are my Men? Come, spreadthe Table--for we are very hungry.

_Isa_. Heav'ns, what a peculiar Grace there is in every word that comesfrom the Mouth of a Cavalier.

_Guil_. By _Mars_, the God of Love!

_Page_. By _Cupid_, Sir. [Aside to him.

Guil. _Cupid_, Sirrah! I say, I'll have it _Mars_, there's more Thunderin the Sound: I say, by _Mars_, these Gallies are pretty neat convenientTenements--but a--I see ne'er a Chimney in 'em:--Pox on't, what have Ito do with a Chimney now?

_Isa_. He is a delicate fine Person, _Jacinta_; but, methinks he doesnot make Love enough to me.

_Jac_. Oh, Madam, Persons of his Quality never make Love in Words, thegreatness of their Actions show their Passion.

_Guil_. O, your Viscountess never drinks under your Beer-glass, yourCitizens Wives simper and sip, and will be drunk without doing Credit tothe Treater; but in their Closets, they swinge it away, whole Slashes,i'faith, and egad, when a Woman drinks by her self, Glasses come thickabout: your Gentlewoman, or your little Lady, drinks half way, andthinks in point of good manners, she must leave some at the bottom; butyour true bred Woman of Honour drinks all, _Supernaculum_, by _Jove_.

_Isa_. What a misfortune it was, that I should not know this before, butshou'd discover my want of so necessary a piece of Grandeur.

_Jac_. And nothing, but being fuddled, will redeem her Credit.

_Guil_. Come--fall to, old Boy,--thou art not merry; what, have we nonethat can give us a Song?

_Ant_. Oh Sir, we have an Artist aboard I'll assure you; Signior_Cashier_, shall I beg the favour of you to shew your Skill?

_Pet_. Sir, my Wife and I'm at your service.

_Guil_. Friend, what Language can you sing?

_Pet_. Oh, Sir, your Singers speak all Languages.

_Guil_. Say'st thou so, prithee then let's have a touch of Heathen_Greek_.

_Fran_. A Pox of all Lords, I say, you must be janting in the Devil'sname, and God's dry Ground wou'd not serve your turn. [_Shout here_.Oh, how they thunder! What shall I do?--oh, for some Auger-hole tothrust my head into, for I could never indure the noise of Cannons,--oh,'tis insupportable,--intolerable--and not to be indur'd. [_Running as mad about the Stage_.

_Isa_. Dear Father, be not so frighted. [_Weeps_.

_Fran_. Ah, Crocodile, wou'd thou hadst wept thy Eyes out long ago, thatthou hadst never seen this Count; then he had never lov'd thee, and thenwe had never been invited a ship-board. [_A noise of fighting_.

_Guz_. Down with the muttering Dog; [_He descends_.--And takes the Ladies to several Cabins. [_The Turks take hold of the Men_.

_Isa_. Must we be parted then?--ah, cruel Destiny! [_Weeps_.

_Guil_. Alas! this Separation's worse than Death.

_Isa_. You possibly may see some _Turkish_ Ladies, that may insnare yourHeart, and make you faithless;--but I, ah Heavens! if ever I change myLove, may I become deformed, and lose all hopes of Title or of Grandure.

_Guil_. But should the _Grand Seignior_ behold thy Beauty, thou wou'dstdespise thine own dear hony Viscount to be a _Sultana_.

_Jac_. An please the Lord, I'll let my nails grow against that direfulday.

_Isa_. And so will I, for I'm resolv'd none should ravish me but thegreat _Turk_.

_Guz_. Come, Ladies, you are Dishes to be serv'd up to the board of the_Grand Seignior_.

_Isa_. Why, will he eat us all?

_Guz_. A slice of each, perhaps, as he finds his Appetite inclin'd.

_Isa_. A slice, uncivil Fellow,--as if this Beauty were for a bit andaway;--Sir, a word,--if you will do me the favour, to recommend me to befirst served up to the _Grand Seignior_, I shall remember the Civilitywhen I am great.

_Guz_. Lady, he is his own Carver, a good word by the bye, or so, willdo well, and I am--a Favorite--

_Isa_. Are you so? here, take this Jewel,--in earnest of greaterFavours-- [_Gives him a Jewel_.

[Exeunt all.

SCENE II. _A Garden_.

_Enter Don Carlos and_ Lopez.

_Car_. But, why so near the Land? by Heaven, I saw each action of theFight, from yonder grove of Jessamine; and doubtless all beheld itfrom the Town.

_Lop_. The Captain, Sir, design'd it so, and at the Harbour gave it outthose two Galleys were purposely prepared to entertain the Count and theLadies with the representation of a Sea-fight; lest the noise of theGuns should alarm the Town, and, taking it for a real fight, shou'd havesent out Supplies, and so have ruin'd our Designs.

_Car_. Well, have we all things in readiness?

_Lop_. All, Sir, all.

_Enter_ Page.

_Page_. My Lord, a Barge from the Galley is just arriv'd at theGarden-Stairs.

_Enter_ Guzman.

_Car_. I'll retire then, and fit me for my part of this Farce.

_Guz_. My Lord, you must retire, they're just bringing the Old Gentlemanashore.

_Car_. Prithee how does he take his Captivity?

_Guz_. Take it, Sir! he has cast himself into a Fit, and has lain likeone in a Trance this half hour; 'tis impossible for him to speak Sensethis fortnight; I'll secure his Reason a play-day for so long at least;your Servants, in _Turkish_ habits, are now his Guards, who will keephim safe enough from hindering your designs with _Julia_.

_Car_. Whatever you do, have a care you do not overfright the Coxcomb,and make a Tragedy of our Comedy.

_Fran_. And in good hands! oh, my head! and, oh, my heart! ten thousandtempests burst the belly of this day, wherein old _Francisco_ ventur'dLife and Limbs, Liberty and Wife to the mercy of these Heathen _Turks_.

1st _Turk_. Friend, you need not thus complain; a good round Ransomredeems ye.

1st _Turk_. You have a fair Wife, and need not fear good usage, if sheknows how to be kind. You apprehend me.

_Fran_. Patience, good Lord.

1st _Turk_. Perhaps the _Grand Seignior_ may like her, and to be favour'dby him in such a Glory--

_Fran_. As the Devil take me if I desire.

1st _Turk_. And then you may in triumph laugh at all the rest of yourBrother Cuckolds.

_Fran_. Hum, and has the Devil serv'd me thus?--but no matter, I must begadding, like an old Coxcomb, to _Cadiz_,--and then, jaunting to Sea,with a Pox, to take pains to be a Cuckold, to bring my Wife into astrange Land, amongst Unbelievers, with a vengeance, as if we had nothonest Christian Cuckold-makers enough at home; Sot that I was, not toconsider how many Merchants have been undone by trusting theirCommodities out at Sea; why, what a damn'd ransom will the Rogues exactfrom me, and more for my Wife, because she's handsome; and then, 'tisten to one, I have her turned upon my hands the worse for wearing; oh,damn'd Infidels! no, 'tis resolv'd, I'll live a Slave here, rather thanenrich them.

1st _Turk_. Friend, you'll know your Destiny presently; for 'tis thecustom of the Great _Turk_ to view the Captives, and consider of theirRansoms and Liberties, according to his pleasure. See, he is comingforth with the _Vizier Bassa_.

_Enter_ Carlos _and_ Guzman _as_ Turks _with Followers_.

Most mighty Emperor, behold your Captive.

_Fran_. Is this the Great _Turk_?

1st _Turk_. Peace.

_Fran_. Bless me! as we at home describe him, I thought the Great _Turk_had been twice as big; but I shall find him Tyrant big enough, I'llwarrant him.

_Guz_. Of what Nation art thou, Slave? speak to the Emperor, heunderstands thee, though he deign not to hold discourse withChristian Dogs.

_Fran_. Oh fearful!--_Spain_, so please you, Sir.

_Guz_. By _Mahomet_, he'll make a reverend Eunuch.

_Fran_. An Eunuch! oh, Lord!

_Turk_. Ay, Sir, to guard his Mistresses, 'tis an honour.

_Fran_. Oh! Mercy, Sir, that honour you may spare, Age has done mybusiness already.

_Fran_. An't like your Majesty, our Gentlemen never get but twice in alltheir lives; that is, when Fathers die, they get good Estates; and whenthey marry, they get rich Wives: but I know what your Mightiness wou'dget by going into my Country and asking the Question.

_Guz_. What, Fool?

_Fran_. A good Cudgelling, an't please your Illustriousness.

_Guz_. Slave! To my Face!--Take him away, and let him have the Strapado.

_Car_. What Eyes you have like Heaven blue and charming, a pretty Mouth,Neck round and white as polisht Alabaster, and a Complexion beauteous asan Angel, a Hair fit to make Bonds to insnare the God of Love,--asprightly Air,--a Hand like Lillies white, and Lips, no Roses opening ina Morning are half so sweet and soft.

_Fran_. Oh, damn'd circumcised _Turk_.

_Car_. You shall be call'd the beautiful _Sultana_, And rule in mySeraglio drest with Jewels.

_Jul_. And wou'd not break my Marriage Vows to him,For all the honour you can heap upon me.

_Fran_. Say, and hold; but _Sultana_ and precious Stones are damnableTemptations,--besides, the Rogue's young and handsome,--What a scornfullook she casts at me; wou'd they were both handsomely at the Deviltogether.

_Guz_. Dog, do you mutter?

_Fran_. Oh! nothing, nothing, but the Palsy shook my Lips a little.

_Guz_. Slave, go, and on your knees resign your Wife.

_Fran_. She's of years of discretion, and may dispose of her self; but Ican hold no longer: and is this your _Mahometan_ Conscience, to takeother Mens Wives, as if there were not single Harlots enough in theWorld? [_In rage_.

_Car_. No more,--this fair one bids you live,--henceforth, _Francisco_,I pronounce you a Widower, and shall regard you, for the time to come,as the deceased Husband of the Great _Sultana_, murmur not upon pain ofbeing made an Eunuch--take him away.

_Jul_. Go, and be satisfied, I'll die before I'll yield.

_Fran_. Is this my going to Sea?--the Plague of losing Battels lighton thee.

When my_ Alexis _present is, Then I for_ Damon _sigh and mourn; But when_ Alexis _I do miss_, Damon _gains nothing but my Scorn: And, if it chance they both are by, For both, alas! I languish, sigh, and die.

_Car_. Come, my dear _Julia_, let's retire to shades. [_Aside to her_.Where only thou and I can find an entrance;These dull, these necessary delays of oursHave drawn my Love to an impatient height.--Attend these Captives, at a respectful distance.

_Guil_. Meaning me, Lady! ah, fy! no, I am a Scoundrel; I a Count, no,not I, a Dog, a very Chim--hum,--a Son of a Whore, I, not worthyyour notice.

_Isa_. Oh, Heavens! must I lose you then? no, I'll die first.

_Guil_. Die, die, then; for your Betters must be served before you.

_Isa_. Oh! I shall rave; false and lovely as you are, did you not swearto marry me, and make me a Viscountess.

_Guil_. Ay, that was once when I was a Lover; but, now you are a Queen,you're too high i'th' mouth for me.

_Isa_. Ah! name it not; will you be still hard-hearted?

_Guil_. As a Flint, by _Jove_.

_Isa_. Have you forgot your Love?

_Guil_. I've a bad memory.

_Isa_. And will you let me die?

_Guil_. I know nothing of the matter.

_Isa_. Oh Heavens! and shall I be no Viscountess?

_Guil_. Not for me, fair Lady, by _Jupiter_,--no, no,--Queen's muchbetter,--Death, affront a man of Honour, a Viscount that wou'd have tookyou to his Bed,--after half the Town had blown upon you,--withoutexamining either Portion or Honesty, and wou'd have took you for betterfor worse--Death, I'll untile Houses, and demolish Chimneys, but I'll berevenged. [_Draws and is going out_.

_Guil_. I cannot hold;--but if I shou'd forgive, and marry you,you wou'd be gadding after honour still, longing to be a she Great_Turk_ again.

_Isa_. Break not my heart with such suspicions of me.

_Gull_. And is it pure and tender Love for my Person,And not for my glorious Titles?

_Isa_. Name not your Titles, 'tis your self I love,Your amiable, sweet and charming self,And I cou'd almost wish you were not great,To let you see my Love.

_Guil_. I am confirm'd--

_'Tis no respect of Honour makes her weep_; _Her Loves the same shou'd I cry--Chimney Sweep.

[_Ex_.

ACT V.

SCENE I. _A Garden_.

_Enter_ Francisco _alone_.

_Fran_. Now am I afraid to walk in this Garden, lest I shou'd spy my ownnatural Wife lying with the Great _Turk_ in Fresco, upon some of thesefine fiowry Banks, and learning how to make Cuckolds in _Turkey_.

_Jac_. When you are honest _Guzman_ again, I'll tell you a piece of mymind.

_Guz_. But opportunity will not be kind to _Guzman_, as to the Grand_Bassa_; therefore, dear Rogue, let's retire into these kind shades, or,if foolish Virtue be so squeamish, and needless Reputation so nice, thatMr. _Vicar_ must say _Amen_ to the bargain, there is an old lousy Frier,belonging to this _Villa_, that will give us a cast of his Office; for Iam a little impatient about this business, Greatness having infus'd acertain itch in my Blood, which I felt not whilst a common Man.

_Fran_. Um, why, what have we here, pert Mrs. _Jacinta_ and the _Bassa_?I hope the Jade will be Turkefied with a vengeance, and have Circumcisionin abundance; and the Devil shall ransom her for old _Francisco_.

_Jac_. Hah, the old Gentleman!

_Fran_. What, the Frolick is to go round, I see, you Women have a happytime on't.

_Guz_. Men that have kind Wives may be as happy; you'll have the honourof being made a Cuckold, Heaven be prais'd.

_Fran_. Ay, Sir, I thank ye,--pray, under the Rose, how does my Wifeplease his Grace the Great _Turk_?

_Guz_. Murmuring again, thou Slave.

_Fran. Who_, I? O Lord, Sir! not I, why, what hurt is there in being aCuckold?

_Guz_. Hurt, Sirrah, you shall be swinged into a belief, that it is anhonour for the Great _Turk_ to borrow your Wife.

_Fran_. But for the Lender to pay Use-money, is somewhat severe;--but,see, he comes,--bless me, how grim he looks!

_Enter_ Carlos, _and Mutes attending_.

_Car_. Come hither, Slave,--why, was it that I gave you Life? dismiss'dthe Fetters from your aged Limbs?

_Fran_. For love of my Wife, and't please your Barbarousness.

_Car_. Gave you free leave to range the Palace round, excepting myApartment only?

_Fran_. Still for my Wife's sake, I say, and't like your Hideousness.

_Car_. And yet this Wife, this most ungrateful Wife of yours, againwou'd put your Chains on, expose your Life to Dangers and new Torments,by a too stubborn Virtue, she does refuse my Courtship, and foolishlyis chaste.

_Fran_. Alas! what pity's that!

_Car_. I offer'd much, lov'd much, but all in vain; Husband and Honourstill was the reply.

_Fran_. Good lack! that she shou'd have no more Grace before her Eyes.

_Car_. But, Slave, behold these Mutes; that fatal Instrument of Deathbehold too, and in 'em read thy doom, if this coy Wife of yours be notmade flexible to my Addresses.

_Fran_. O Heavens! I make her.

_Car_. No more, thy Fate is fix'd--and, here attend, till he himselfdeliver his willing Wife into my Arms; _Bassa_, attend, and see it beperform'd-- [_To his Mutes, then to_ Guz. [_Ex_. Car.

_Guz_. Go, one of you, and fetch the fair Slave hither.

[_Ex_. Turk.

_Fran_. I pimp for my own Wife! I hold the door to my own Flesh andBlood! _monstrum horrendum_!

_Guz_. Nay, do't, and do't handsomly too, not with a snivellingCountenance, as if you were compell'd to't; but with the face ofAuthority, and the awful command of a Husband--or thou dyest.

_Enter_ Turk _and_ Julia.

_Fran_. My dear _Julia_, you are a Fool, my Love.

_Jul_. For what, dear Husband?

_Fran_. I say, a silly Fool, to refuse the Love of so great a _Turk_;why, what a Pox makes you so coy? [_Angrily_.

_Jul_. How! this from you, _Francisco_.

_Fran_. Now does my Heart begin to fail me; and yet I shall ne'er endurestrangling neither; why, am not I your Lord and Master, hah?

_Jul_. Heavens! Husband, what wou'd you have me do?

_Fran_. Have you do;--why, I wou'd have ye--d'ye see--'twill not out;why, I wou'd have ye lie with the _Sultan_, Huswife; I wonder how theDevil you have the face to refuse him, so handsom, so young a Lover;come, come, let me hear no more of your Coyness, Mistress, for if I do,I shall be hang'd; [_Aside_.The Great _Turk's_ a most worthy Gentleman, and therefore I advise youto do as he advises you; and the Devil take ye both. [_Aside_.

_Jul_. This from my Husband, old _Francisco_! he advise me to part withmy dear Honour.

_Fran_. Rather than part with his dear Life, I thank ye. [_Aside_.

_Jul_. Have you considered the Virtue of a Wife?

_Fran_. No, but I have considered the Neck of a Husband. [_Aside_.

_Jul_. Which Virtue, before I'll lose, I'll die a thousand Deaths.

_Fran_. So will not I one; a Pox of her Virtue,--these Women are alwaysvirtuous in a wrong place. [_Aside_.I say you shall be kind to the sweet _Sultan_.

_Jul_. And rob my Husband of his right!

_Fran_. Shaw, Exchange is no Robbery.

_Jul_. And forsake my Virtue, and make nown Dear a Cuckold.

_Fran_. Shaw, most of the Heroes of the World were so;--go, prithee,Hony, go, do me the favour to cuckold me a little, if not for Love,for Charity.

_Jul_. Are you in earnest?

_Fran_. I am.

_Jul_. And would it not displease you?

_Fran_. I say, no; had it been _Aquinius_ his Case, to have sav'd thepinching of his Gullet he wou'd have been a Cuckold. [_Aside_.

_Jul_. Fear has made you mad, or you're bewitcht; and I'll leave you torecover your Wits again. [_Going out_.

_Fran_. O gracious Wife, leave me not in despair; [_Kneels to her andholds her_.] I'm not mad, no, nor no more bewitcht than I have beenthese forty years; 'tis you're bewitcht to refuse so handsom, so young,and so--a Pox on him, she'll ne'er relish me again after him. [_Aside_.

_Jac_. Hark you, Sir, are you possest, or is it real reformation in you?what mov'd this kind fit?

_Fran_. E'en Love to sweet Life; and I shall think my self ever obligedto my dear Wife, for this kind Reprieve;--had she been cruel, I hadbeen strangled, or hung in the Air like our Prophet's Tomb.

_Enter First_ Turk.

_Turk_. Sir, boast the honour of the News I bring you.

_Fran_. Oh, my Head! how my Brows twinge.

_Turk_. The mighty _Sultan_, to do you honour, has set your Daughter andher Lover free, ransomless;--and this day gives 'em liberty to solemnizethe Nuptials in the Court;--but Christian Ceremonies must be private;but you're to be admitted, and I'll conduct you to 'em.

_Fran_. Some Comfort, I shall be Father to a Viscount, and for therest--Patience--

_All Nations Cuckolds breed, but I deny They had such need of Cuckolding as I_.

[_Goes out with the_ Turk.

_Enter_ Antonio, _and_ Clara _to_ Jacinta.

_Jac_. Madam, the rarest sport--Ha, ha, ha.

_Ant_. You need not tell us, we have been witness to all. But to our ownAffairs, my dearest _Clara_, Let us not lose this blessed opportunity,Which Art nor Industry can give again if this be idly lost.

_Cla_. Nay, hang me if it be my fault, _Antonio_: Charge it to thenumber of your own Sins; it shall not lie at my door.

_Ant_. 'Tis generously said, and take notice, my little dear Virago,_Guzman_ has a Priest ready to tie you to your word.

_Cla_. As fast as you please; hang her that fears the conjuring knot forme: But what will our Fathers say--mine who expects me to be theGovernor's Lady; and yours, who designs _Isabella_ for a Daughter-in-Law?

_Ant_. Mine will be glad of the Change; and, for yours, if he be notpleased, let him keep his Portion to himself--that's the greatestmischief he can do us: and for my Friend, the Governor, he's abovetheir Anger.

_Cla_. Why do we lose precious time? I long to be at--I _Clara_ takethee _Antonio_,--the very Ceremony will be tedious, so much I wish theemine; and each delay gives me a fear something will snatch me from thee.

_Ant_. No power of Man can do't, thou art so guarded; but now the Priestis employed in clapping up the honourable Marriage between the FalseCount and Isabella.

_Ant_. By Heaven, I'm so proud I cannot think my Revenge sufficient forAffronts, nor does her Birth, her Breeding and her Vanity--deserve abetter Fortune; besides,--he has enough to set up for a modern Spark--the Fool has just Wit and good Manners to pass for a Fop of Fashion;and, where he is not known, will gain the Reputation of a fineaccomplish'd Gentleman,--yet I'm resolved she shall see him in hisGeers, in his original Filthiness, that my Revenge may be home upon thefoolish Jilt.

_Fran_. How generous these Lords are; nay, my Lord, you must not refusea Father's Love, if I may presume to call you Son--I shall find enoughbesides for my Ransom, if the Tyrant be so unmerciful to ask more thanmy Wife pays him.

_Ant_. No, you will deserve it dearly, who have the plague of such aWife with it;--but harkye, Count--these goods of Fortune are not to beafforded you, without Conditions.

_Guil_. Shaw, Conditions, any Conditions, noble _Antonio_.

_Ant_. You must disrobe anon, and do'n your native Habiliments--and inthe Equipage give that fair Viscountess to understand the true qualityof her Husband.

_Guil_. Hum--I'm afraid, 'tis a harder task to leap from a Lord to aRogue, than 'tis from a Rogue to a Lord.

_Ant_. Not at all, we have examples of both daily.

_Guil_. Well, Sir, I'll show you my agility--but, Sir, I desire I mayconsummate, d'ye see,--consummate--a little like a Lord, to make theMarriage sure.

_Ant_. You have the Freedom to do so--the Writings I'll provide.

_Guil_. I'll about it then, the Priest waits within for you, and_Guzman_ for you, _Jacinta_,--haste, for he is to arrive anon Ambassadorfrom _Cadiz_.

_Jac_. I know not, this noise of Weddings has set me agog, and I'll e'enin, and try what 'tis.

[_Ex_. Antonio, Clara, _and_ Jacinta.

_Guil_. Come, Madam, your Honour and I have something else to do, beforeI have fully dub'd you a Viscountess.

_Isa_. Ah, Heav'ns, what's that?

_Guil_. Why a certain Ceremony, which must be performed between a pairof Sheets,--but we'll let it alone till Night.

_Isa_. Till Night, no; whate'er it be, I wou'd not be without an Inchof that Ceremony, that may compleat my Honour for the World; no, forHeaven's sake, let's retire, and dub me presently.

_Guil_. Time enough, time enough.

_Isa_. You love me not, that can deny me this.

_Guil_. Love--no, we are married now, and People of our Quality neverLove after Marriage; 'tis not great.

_Isa_. Nay, let's retire, and compleat my Quality, and you will find mea Wife of the Mode, I'll warrant you.

_Guil_. For once you have prevail'd.

_Enter_ Francisco.

_Fran_. Whither away?

_Isa_. Only to consummate a little, pray keep your distance. [_She pulls off his hat_.

_Fran_. Consummate!

_Isa_. Ay, Sir, that is to make me an absolute Viscountess--we cannotstay--farewel. [Guiliom _leads her out_.

_Fran_. Hum--this _Turkey_ Air has a notable faculty, where the Womenare all plaguy kind.

_Enter_ Carlos _and_ Julia.

_Car_. By Heav'n, each Moment makes me more your Slave.

_Fran_. The Business is done.

_Jul_. My Husband! [_Aside_.

_Car_. And all this constant love to old _Francisco_ has but engagedme more.

_Fran_. Ha, Love to me? [_Aside_.

_Jul_. Sir, if this Virtue be but real in you, how happy I shou'd be;but you'll relapse again, and tempt my virtue, which if you do--

_Fran_. I'll warrant she wou'd kill herself. [_Aside_.

_Jul_. I should be sure to yield. [_In a soft tone to him_.

_Car_. No, thou hast made an absolute Conquest o'er me--and if thatBeauty tempt me every hour, I shall still be the same I was the last.

_Fran_. Pray Heaven he be _John_.

_Enter First_ Turk.

1st _Turk_. Most mighty Emperor, a Messenger from _Cadiz_ has Letters foryour Highness.

_Car_. Conduct him in; in this retreat of ours we use no State.

_Enter_ Guzman, _as himself, gives_ Carlos _Letters_.

_Guz_. Don _Carlos_, Governor of _Cadiz_, greets your Highness.

_Carlos_ reads.

High and Mighty,

_For seven_ Christian _Slaves, taken lately by a Galley of yours, we offer you twice the number of_ Mahometans _taken from you by us. --If this suffice not,--propose your Ransoms, and they shall be paid by Don_ Carlos, _Governor of_ Cadiz.

--Know you this _Carlos_ offers so fair for you?

_Fran_. Most potent Lord, I do, and wonder at the Compliment,--and yetI am not jealous--I have so overacted the complaisant Husband, that Ishall never fall into the other Extreme again.

_Jul_. Well, if I have been kind you forced me to't, nay, begged on yourknees, to give my self away.

_Fran_. Guilty, guilty, I confess,--but 'twas to the Great _Turk_,Mistress, not Don _Carlos_.

_Jul_. And was the Sin the greater?

_Fran_. No, but the Honour was less.

_Bal_. Oh horrid! What, intreat his Wife to be a Whore?

_Car_. Sir, you're mistaken, she was my Wife in sight of Heaven before;and I but seiz'd my own.

_Fran_. Oh,--Sir, she's at your Service still.

_Car_. I thank you, Sir, and take her as my own.

_Bal_. Hold, my Honour's concerned.

_Fran_. Not at all, Father mine, she's my Wife, my Lumber now, and, Ihope, I may dispose of my Goods and Chattels--if he takes her we areupon equal terms, for he makes himself my Cuckold, as he has alreadymade me his;--for, if my memory fail me not, we did once upon a timeconsummate, as my Daughter has it.

_Enter_ Guiliom _in his own dress; crying Chimney-Sweep_.

_Guil_. Chimney-sweep,--by your leave, Gentlemen.

_Ant_. Whither away, Sirrah?

_Guil_. What's that to you, Sir?--

_Ant_. Not to me, Sirrah;--who wou'd you speak with?

_Guil_. What's that to you, Sir? why, what a Pox, may not a man speakwith his own Lady and Wife?

_Cla_. Heavens! his Wife! to look for his Wife amongst Persons ofQuality!

_Guil_. Devil; 'twas not long since you found me a human creature withinthere.

_Isa_. Villain, Dog; help me to tear his Eyes out.

_Guil_. What, those Eyes, those lovely Eyes, that wounded you so deeply?

_Fran_. What's the meaning of all this? why, what, am I cozen'd? and ismy Daughter cozen'd?

_Guil_. Cozen'd! why, I am a Man, Sir.

_Fran_. The Devil you are, Sir, how shall I know that?

_Guil_. Your Daughter does, Sir; and that's all one.

_Isa_. Oh! I'm undone; am I no Viscountess then.

_Guil_. Hang Titles; 'twas my self you lov'd, my amiable sweet andcharming self: In fine, sweet-heart, I am your Husband; no Viscount, buthonest _Guiliom_, the Chimney-sweeper.--I heard your Father design'd tomarry you to a Tradesman, and you were for a Don; and to please youboth, you see how well I have managed matters.

_Guil_. And, for the Viscount, Sir, gay Clothes, Money and Confidencewill set me up for one, in any ground in Christendom.

_Car_. Faith, Sir, he's i'th' right; take him home to _Sevil_, yourNeighbours know him not, and he may pass for what you please to makehim; the Fellow's honest, witty and handsom.

_Fran_. Well, I have considered the matter: I was but a Leather-sellermy self, and am grown up to a Gentleman; and, who knows but he, being aChimney-sweeper, may, in time, grow up to a Lord? Faith, I'll trust toFortune, for once--here--take her and rid me of one Plague, as you, Ithank you, Sir, have done of another. [_To_ Carlos.

_Guil_. Prithee be pacified, thou shalt see me within this hour aspretty a fluttering Spark as any's in Town.--My noble Lord, I give youthanks and joy; for, you are happy too.

_Car_. As Love and Beauty can make me.

_Fran_. And I, as no damn'd Wife, proud Daughter, or tormentingChamber-maid can make me.

_I Come not a Petitioner to sue,This Play the Author has writ down to you;'Tis a slight Farce, five Days brought forth with ease,So very foolish that it needs must please;For though each day good Judges take offence, |And Satir arms in Comedy's defence, |You are still true to your _Jack-Pudding_ Sense. |No Buffoonry can miss your Approbation,You love it as you do a new_ French _Fashion:Thus in true hate of Sense, and Wit's despite,Bantring and Shamming is your dear delight.Thus among all the Folly's here abounding,None took like the new Ape-trick of Dumfounding.If to make People laugh the business be, |You Sparks better Comedians are than we; |You every day out-fool ev'n_ Nokes _and_ Lee. |_They're forc'd to stop, and their own Farces quit,T'admire the Merry-Andrews of the Pit;But if your Mirth so grate the Critick's ear,Your Love will yet more Harlequin appear.--You everlasting Grievance of the Boxes,You wither'd Ruins of stum'd Wine and Poxes;What strange Green-sickness do you hope in WomenShould make 'em love old Fools in new Point Linen?The Race of Life you run off-hand too fast,Your fiery Metal is too hot to last;Your Fevers come so thick, your Claps so plenty,Most of you are threescore at five and twenty.Our Town-bred Ladys know you well enough,Your courting Women's like your taking Snuff;Out of mere Idleness you keep a pother,You've no more need of one than of the other. Ladies--Wou'd you be quit of their insipid noise,And vain pretending take a Fool's advice;Of the faux Braves I've had some little trial,There's nothing gives 'em credit but Denial:As when a Coward will pretend to Huffing,Offer to fight, away sneaks Bully-Ruffian,So when these Sparks, whose business is addressing,In Love pursuits grow troublesom and pressing;When they affect to keep still in your eye, |When they send_ Grisons _every where to spy, |And full of Coxcomb dress and ogle high; |Seem to receive their Charge, and face about,I'll pawn my life they never stand it out.