If you are old enough to read and understand what this means, then you are probably old enough to have at least one story of heartbreak in your lifetime. We all enter serious relationships believing that it will be ‘together forever’, or at the very least we nurse a hope that it will be so. Yet the stark reality is far from this deeply nurtured dream. In Australia nearly one in three marriages end in divorce and speculation says that most of us can expect to be in two to seven serious relationships during our lives.

A serious relationship break down can be one of the most distressing and difficult situations we have to contend with in life. Nothing in our lives are left untouched by a major relationship break up, your children and possibly even your parents, the home you live in, even the job you have will be effected. How we deal with the end of a relationship can be defining in our lives, at best allowing us to consider what worked and what did not and giving us the opportunity to learn and grow. Or in the worst-case scenario, leaving us deep emotional scars that can cripple any hope for future happiness with a partner, if left to fester.

No one gives you a manual on how to negotiate a break up successfully when you first declare undying love. Most of us would be offended if someone tried. I don’t believe that it is possible to fall in love with another without believing that the relationship will last a lifetime. Any thoughts to the contrary are summarily banished and continue to lurk in the subconscious – unheimlich, a hidden source of fear and dread.

I think I can be quite sweeping here and say that every relationship must at some time contend with the possibility of breaking up. The darkness can rise from our sub conscious, blinding us to right action, leaving us powerless in the grip of past pain. Stonewalling instead of communicating, blame wars and name-calling displace rational conversation; separation and isolation supplant cooperation and teamwork. Many of us have no idea how to negotiate our relationship when we feel hurt, afraid and vulnerable. What’s more, the thought of reaching out for help is tortuous for many. The thought of allowing a stranger into our deepest held feelings is too much for many to bear.

It is the unfortunate reality of marriage counselling that most couples arrive at the counsellors office too late, with a relationship that is beyond repair. A certain degree of self-awareness and honest communication is essential here. Through a structured process a competent marriage counsellor can ascertain where both members of the relationship are at and provide guidance for moving forward. Are both members of the relationship seeking to resolve the issues and fight for their marriage or are they seeking guidance on how to split with as little acrimony as possible? Perhaps one member has given up hope and the other still clinging on, a very common occurrence.

Allowing our selves to be guided through this tricky process is daunting, yet the results of having a relationship strengthened and reunited are achievable. Even should the ‘worst’ occur and the relationship does indeed conclude then we can at least hope for a resolution of that relationship with parity and possibly even an acceptance of the differences and of the out come.