I have Been stressing about this for the last few days and am curious as to how everyone else has handled the situation.

My daughter turns 8 next month. I will probably have a small party either at my house or Chuck E Cheese. I am debating about whether to invite her dad. I really don't want him there. My family is coming out to celebrate her birthday with her. They despise the XH for everything he has done.

I despise him for all he has done. The thought of him playing host like he had anything to do with planning the party sickens me. Being around him will sicken me. The possibility of him bringing one of his slores sickens me. This will just be another example of me doing all the work then he gets to look good like he helped.

But, is this bigger than that? Am I being selfish if I don't invite him and let him have a separate celebration for her? Should I put her first and let her have both her parents there?

I don't think she will be crushed if he does not come, especially if I sell it that she will have two celebrations. Problem is he may not plan another celebration. I'm sure it will piss him off once he finds out I did not invite him (not that I care but my daughter might).

How do I handle this?

Posts: 41 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Louisiana

Klove♀ 42096Member # 42096

Posted: 9:49 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014

My xwh and I may have a different relationship than yours- but I would include mine. Everyone knows what he did and they would know I did all the work for the party. I would not want to make my children suffer because they would want him there.
However, if I thought my x was going to bring ow? Um - no. No way.
My 2 cents only.

[This message edited by Klove at 9:50 AM, May 2nd (Friday)]

"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014

Nature_Girl♀ 32554Member # 32554

Posted: 9:53 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014

You're divorced. Divorced kids get two parties. It's a win for them, actually. My kids love the fact that they get two birthday celebrations and two Christmas present openings.

Don't even think about this any other way. You're divorced. Your child now gets double celebration. It's not a problem.

This is a personal decision, but I think it says a lot that you are even entertaining the idea. My STBXWW and I also have a different relationship then y'all, and do many things together with our DD (all appropriate of course), but I would say do what you feel is best for you. It might be good for your child to have both parents there, but if you feel you are going to be angry, sad, anxious and frustrated when you are around him, your DD will pick up on that and it will draw away from the festivities. If you choose to not invite him and he gives you any crap about it, just remind him that he chose not be a family anymore through his actions. He will have the ability to celebrate with her in his own way, on his own time.

Even though the party is for your DD, I know she would want to have a happy mommy present...not one that is seething, because the POS is there.

Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."

Posts: 1224 | Registered: Dec 2013

Inalittlewhile♀ 37801Member # 37801

Posted: 9:59 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014

Nature girl,

I thought this same thing. He does not celebrate Christmas with us, so why should he come to her party I give?

I just want to make sure I'm not punishing the child for my issue with him.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Louisiana

Nature_Girl♀ 32554Member # 32554

Posted: 10:03 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014

You're not punishing her. Punishing her would be you ask your XH to contribute half towards a big party blow-out at an event location. You tell her that Dad's contributing so she can have this epic party. Then Dad says no, I'm not forking out money. So you tell DD she can't have a party at all. Lights out, nothing for her birthday, too bad so sad.

That's punishing her.

But having an actual party with family & friends, good food & presents? That's not punishing her.

D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010
DD - 6 years old
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 4333 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY

NikkiD♀ 38173Member # 38173

Posted: 10:43 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014

I would invite mine. I mean, hell, even when we were together I was always the party planner, so its not any differnt now. And mines wouldnt bring the OW. Hell, when he drops the kids off or picks them up...in HER CAR, she is never with him.

I couldnt care less if he brought her or not. Matter of fact, it would be the best entertainment for me because its HIS family that loathes her...mine doesnt know all those details. BUT alas its my baby's day, so I wouldnt want that....but to be a fly on the all when he brings them to his famil functions would be grand!

IF he was inclined to remember the days we were born (he rarely acknowledged them), he had his own party with his family.

It was less stress for all of us. My mother couldn't stand to be around my father, and we couldn't stand the fighting when they tried.

If the thought of him being there fills you with dread, don't invite him.

Posts: 3446 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA

Gemini71♀ 40115Member # 40115

Posted: 11:50 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014

Two parents, two parties. My kids are loving all the extra celebration going on.

DS8 was working on his "Birthday List" (think Christmas List) the other day and he said, "Good thing I get two birthdays now, or I'd never be able to get all this stuff." (Love my little rascal )

"Better not give in to it. It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.”
― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Posts: 2575 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA

7yrsflushed♂ 32258Member # 32258

Posted: 1:17 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014

Don't invite him. Just let it be your daughter and your family and enjoy the day. No need for drama or anything.

I have 50/50 custody of my kids. stbxww wanted to have a joint party this year I said no. We are having 2 separate parties and my 9 year old son is thrilled at the idea of 2 parties. I was NOT the planner but i am learning this year and I am okay with that. It will be my kids, their friends, and my family. I know there will be no drama because drama was not invited.

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 2032 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA

neverdidithink♀ 40568Member # 40568

Posted: 1:33 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014

I'm in the no camp.

For a long time I didn't have a single nice thing to say to/about my X and I wasn't very good at hiding it. I thought it best to keep the drama out.

10+ years later it was HS and college graduation time. I put my big girl panties on and encouraged the kids to invite dad to the parties, but by that time they had their fill of him need to be the center of attention and opted out.

BS, 53
M 9 years
second marriage, second WH
4 kids in their 20s, none together
I have no idea whether we will D or R at this point.

Posts: 420 | Registered: Sep 2013

Chrysalis123♀ 27148Member # 27148

Posted: 1:36 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014

Nope, not happening for me either.

Why are you going to the hardware store and expecting to buy bread?

Posts: 3218 | Registered: Jan 2010

Inalittlewhile♀ 37801Member # 37801

Posted: 2:01 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014

Thanks so much guys! Your replies have confirmed my initial intent to not invite him!

I am certain that being around him will irritate me to no end. This won't make for a very happy party mommy.

It's always so great to come here to get you guys' takes on these matters of the heart.