Oh Si… We say this a lot. This kid, man. He brings me so much joy, and pain. He allows me to ‘practice’ my patience… a ton.

We are also treading on new ground with our newly minted 3-year-old. We’ve always had a reason to kick a kid out of the crib, no so with Si. We’ve always had at least one little in diapers, but we are almost done with those. (after 8 1/2 years) Lots of changes with out the promise of new life to fill the void that Benjamin would have filled for our family. So, I’m struggling. Struggling to get rid of baby clothes. Struggling to get rid of the crib. Struggling to get rid of the changing table. Just, all around struggling.

I wish I could say that the grief has gotten better. The last few weeks, I’d say it has gotten worse. I am a walking, crying mess. Sure, the chaos of the boys is a distraction. But it doesn’t help when things are quiet. Like when I’m trying to fall asleep and sleep won’t come. Or when I’m in the shower with nothing but my thoughts to torture me. This is hard. I wish I had it all together. I know one day I will, but not this side of heaven. And oh, how I long for heaven. To see my sweet boy’s face. To hold him. To tell him I love him. All those things I want to give him but I can’t. But he is FAR better off. He is dancing and singing with Jesus. How could I not want that for him. Man, these earthly emotions are killer…