In a media minefield littered with the debris of pitiful prognostications, I once more advance with trepidation onto that interstate highway of misinformation and misguided logic.

So hold on.

And if even one of these predictions is right, well, then the world has gone horribly wrong.

▪ Members of Congress, while debating into the night about national financial matters related to the so-called fiscal cliff, decide to order out for pizza. Democrats demand pepperoni with green peppers. Republicans insist on pepperoni with mushrooms. No agreement is reached. As morning dawns, Congress agrees to designate Pop Tarts as the national fruit. In a related story, Little Debbie is subpoenaed to testify before Congress about the food value in oatmeal pies and is encouraged to bring samples.

▪ After drawing widespread criticism for advocating the installation of armed guards at schools after the December 2012 school shooting in Connecticut, NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre modifies his stance. In a prepared statement LaPierre clarifies that he actually meant to say that each school should be armed with tanks and anti-aircraft guns.

▪ Notre Dame claims the national college football championship with a thrilling 24-22 victory over the University of Alabama. After the game, sports pundits on social media still contend that there is no way the Fighting Irish can beat the Crimson Tide.

▪ Republican leaders in Congress, saying theyre weary of biased media references to the fiscal cliff, ask that reporters find some more balanced term and recommend fiscal speed bump. Fox News immediately complies. MSNBC changes it to fiscal gorge. CNN vows to stay the course and continues to reference the fiscal cliff, despite heavy criticism from Republicans and Democrats.

▪ Wall Street reacts to this new fiscal cliff plea by sacrificing a live bull on Bloomberg News.

▪ In her last official act as governor, Bev Perdue directs the state to find a new place of residence for people in group homes who no longer qualify for financial assistance. She recommends the Legislative building.

▪ In his first official act as governor, Pat McCrory demands that the Atlantic Coast Conference expand once more and accept not only East Carolina but also Charlotte, UNC Asheville and UNC Wilmington into the league. In a related story, N.C. State leaves the ACC for the Mountain West conference.

▪ In an unprecedented battle of rookie quarterbacks, the Washington Redskins and Robert Griffin III defeat the Indianapolis Colts and Andrew Luck in the Super Bowl. In a shocking related story, Tim Tebow isnt mentioned once during the telecast.

Page 2 of 2 - ▪ In one harbinger of a potentially intense race for mayor of Burlington, both incumbent mayor Ronnie Wall and Councilman Bob Ward vow to give up their city salaries and use of the office stapler.

▪ As the national debate over gun control grows, NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre advocates stationing surface-to-air missiles at shopping centers.

▪ Duke wins the NCAA basketball championship after John Caliparis entire Kentucky roster bolts for the NBA during the Final Four.

▪ Wall Street reacts to the latest fiscal cliff news by having a hissy fit.

▪ In a mayoral race growing ever more contentious, incumbent Mayor Ronnie Wall and Councilman Bob Ward vow to buy every resident of the city a hot dog at Zacks, Boston Sandwich Shop or Skids.

▪ Searching for answers for how to replenish the countys fund balance, the Alamance County Board of Commissioners decides to sell Saxapahaw to Orange County. In a related story, former UNC basketball great and Saxapahaw resident Tom LaGarde is not mentioned as the player to be named later in the deal.

▪ Notre Dame decides to vacate an agreement to join the Atlantic Coast Conference and declares itself an independent nation. Football coach Brian Kelly is named governor by acclamation. In a related story, Florida State, Clemson and Miami leave the ACC to play football in a Pop Warner league in Waycross, Ga.

▪ As the mayoral race tightens, incumbent Mayor Ronnie Wall and Councilman Bob Ward offer to swim a race across Lake Mackintosh with the loser bowing out of the race prior to the election.

▪ The almost year-long pizza stalemate in Congress, now referred to as the pie in the sky by national media outlets, is almost broken near Thanksgiving when a compromise measure is introduced calling for pepperoni-only. A filibuster by vegetarian members of Congress kills the deal.

▪ Wall Street reacts to this news by sacrificing a live cabbage on Food Network.