10 Sex Tips From a 13 Year Old Who Has Totally Done Sex Before

1. Do the sex at her really hard and fast

The faster and harder you do the sex, the awesomer the sex is. This is the main rule of sex.

2. Make her moan and scream super loud, like SO loud that the neighbors called the cops, and the cops came and were like "Hey what's going on" and the girl was like "I was screaming because the sex was so good and also hot" and the cops are like "you have to go to jail because you're too good at sex!" and you're like "I don't think that's how the law works" and the cops are like "wow this guy's good."

They will then tell everyone at the cop building how good you are at sex, which will earn your their respect.

3. Make sure your penis fits right inside her vagina hole, except your penis is really big, so it doesn't fit well, but like if you push it fits eventually because the vagina hole is just a cool hole shaped for a penis.

Make sure she's put her birth control pills inside her vagina before sex though, otherwise one of your balls comes out of your penis and lives in the vagina hole and a baby hatches out of it.

4. Kiss her boobs a lot (aka the round things on her chest for all the virgins out there heh heh)

The boobs are known as the Vaginas of the Chest by us sex-knowers. The nipple part is like a reverse vagina though, because nothing can go in it. In fact, since the nipple part goes in your mouth when you kiss it, your mouth is the Vagina of the Face (a fact known to all sex-knowers).

5. Lick her butt

The buttcheeks are the Boobs of the Ass, except without the nipple parts.

6. It's okay to leave your undershirt on

It's like the pool, where you don't want Jimmy Tuccio to make fun of your manboobs, so you leave your shirt on. It's okay, since man nipple parts do not play a role in the sex doing.

7. Your can leave your shorts on too

That's why your shorts have the zipper part for the penis to come out of. Also you don't want to leave behind your wallet (even though you got that cool wallet chain so it's pretty secure) if the cops want to see your wallet to see your school ID to make sure they know who it is who's doing all the good sex.

8. It's normal to practice sex by rubbing your erection against the couch

If your sister asks what you're doing you just say you were taking a nap and she's like "uh huh, with your eyes open and Friends With Benefits on TV" (she has caught you doing this to Mila Kunis movies before).

9. Sex is the most intimate act you can engage in with another person - you and your partner both leave yourselves exposed in the throes of passion. That's why it's so important to pay attention to your partner's needs and desires during the act - they've allowed themselves to be at their most vulnerable with you, so you have a duty to give them real attention and respect.

For a brief moment, the two of you are overtaken by raw lust - but both must appreciate that the other is someone they care about whose desires in that moment are all that matter. If each is focused on pleasuring the other instead of selfishly worrying about themselves, the experience will be far more rewarding for both.

10. The butthole is cool but be careful

While the butthole is the Vagina of the Ass, the girl might have pooped out of it right before and that would be real gross if you peed in it and the pee mixed with the poop (btw you're supposed to pee in whatever hole you stick your weiner in).