TIFU getting caught masturbating at work.

Removed due to personal threats in my inbox, not worth sharing my story if that's what I get. Thanks for the laughs some of you gave me in the comments.

As you may already be judging me by the title, I already know how bad this sounds.

Working my job I have a lot of walking around our huge building to do. Sometimes if I have even the slightest mildly erotic thought the blood goes straight to my junk and DOES NOT leave! No matter how hard I try to think of hideous things to make it go away.

To solve this problem and as to not seem unprofessional, revolting or even get done for sexual assault, I go to jack off in the toilets. I do this usually maybe twice a day.

Well today I forgot to lock the toilet door, I was in the motions of doing the deed when none other that the company director walks in (probably needing the bathroom) and catch’s me, I had no time to react and let go of my private’s immediately but I obviously had a raging boner.

He left right away after hesitating and waited outside to have a word with me (my heart was in my mouth by this point)

I was told to take the rest of the week off and have a meeting with HR next Wednesday... am expecting the worst, I just hope it’s not illegal what I did as I meant no harm to anyone.

TL:DR TIFU I got caught pumping the turkey neck in the work restroom, suspended with pay for the rest of the week.

If anyone is interested then I’ll update you all after the meeting next Wednesday (22nd) -

Update 1: Just to clarify, I wasn’t saying I would sexually assault someone if I didn’t relieve myself.

I was more so worried that a huge hard on pitching a tent in my slacks would be classed as assault, and also creep out/offend people.

I’m sorry if anyone was disturbed by this post, if you need any more info before I update the post then let me know. Thanks.

Working my job I have a lot of walking around our huge building to do. Sometimes if I have even the slightest mildly erotic thought and the blood goes straight to my junk and DOES NOT go.. not matter how hard I try to think of hideous things.

To solve this problem and not seem unprofessional or revolting or even get done for sexual assault, I go to jack off in the toilets. I do this usually maybe twice a day.

He left immediately and waited outside to have a word with me, I was told to take the rest of the week off and have a meeting with HR next Wednesday... am expecting the worst, I just hope it’s not illegal what I did as I meant no harm to anyone.

You might be able to salvage your job if you didn't say too much to your boss. Put it on a medical issue and you're less likely to be terminated or for them to verify. I'm not talking about "random boner" medical condition, I mean "I took some prescription Cialis last night, and effects can be felt for a while. I wasn't masturbating, I was trying to make it go down so I could participate in a professional atmosphere."
It doesn't matter if the whole thing is a lie, it's about having those "legitimate medical issues" give HR pause to move forward. Regardless, you're going to need a new job.

I think the Shaggy "Wasn't me" defense might also work here, /u/kingroffy. Just claim you got walked in on while on the toilet. Simply deny anything about masturbation. Especially if you're still young, you could claim you had a random erection and you were waiting for it to pass. Definitely put the ball back in their court. Be aggressively defensive: "Why are you asking me about what I was doing in the bathroom?"

I think the Shaggy "Wasn't me" defense might also work here, /u/kingroffy. Just claim you got walked in on while on the toilet. Simply deny anything about masturbation. Especially if you're still young, you could claim you had a random erection and you were waiting for it to pass. Definitely put the ball back in their court. "Why are you asking me about what I was doing in the bathroom?"

The problem with insanely funny Reddit comments like this is that in order to show it to someone else I have to make them read the entire post above and all the comments above it. Which is not only a lot of reading, but I also have no idea you would even format something like that

The Shutter Island defence. Where you just go in 110% confident and so sure of yourself that you make the other person begin to doubt themselves and have second thoughts..”maybe I didn’t see it how I thought I did”.

If you’re really good at it you will convince the company director that he was the one masturbating and it was you who walked in on him.

The other option is flipping it around. Pervy director of your company has tried to walk in in on you while you were going to the washroom 3 times now (he probably has tried the door and had it be in use and not know who was in there at least a couple other times before). This time he got lucky and the door was unlocked. He'll drop the HR claim in no time. On a serious matter though I dont think there should be any repercussions. You are doing a bathroom thing in the privacy of a bathroom. They might have a better case if you were at your post, or repeatedly shouting obscenities involving "Sharon the front desk lady" while pumping it, or if there are issues of people jacking off into tissues and leaving them places other than the toilet bowl (or jacking off and leaving it on the sink stand... thank you McDonalds for exposing me to having to clean that up....). Otherwise yeah, say it is a medical issue and you were trying to handle it yourself (sorry, you'll be hard pressed to find a way to say that without it sounding like an inappropriate pun) but will talk to your doctor about it (who might even give you a prescription to walk it at work).

As an attorney, I wonder about whether masturbation in the private confines of a bathroom stall is "cause" for termination. If you are an "at will" employee they can essentially fire you for any reason other than race, gender, sexual orientation, age (sometimes), medical condition (sometimes). If they do need cause, I think they would have a hard time claiming cause just because of the act, assuming it was in private, on break, and not using "viewing material". However, just in case, I would (a) not admit sexual pleasuring under any circumstances; (b) lawyer up for the hearing; (c) get a copy of the employee handbook and your contract and read them carefully. I would avoid telling the whole story....

...like on an internet forum which is one of the most trafficked sites in the world, even going so far as to detail the date of the prospective HR meeting, making it very difficult to deny any coincidental circumstance between such a post and the events therein described?

Cause man, if HR were to find such a posting, this guy'd be extra fucked.

I mean...do you really want to be known as the “guy who whacks off in the bathroom stall twice a day”. Even worse the guy “who sued for wrongful termination because he was jacking off in the bathroom”?

Maybe once you get caught it’s best for both parties to seek other employment opportunities. If he gets terminated, at least he can collect unemployment...

—I'm just saying that you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
—That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me.
—Masturbation is a memory loss habit so maybe you just don't remember.
—I would remember.
—Well how could you if it just erased your memory?
—That's not how it works.
—Now how do you know how it works?
—Knock it off! I'm interviewing you!
—No. You said I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how long have you been masturbating in that toilet?

Yeah, what OP did really isn't that big of a deal IMO. It's gross to walk in on, just like it'd be gross to walk in on him wiping his ass or popping a pimple, but he was in a bathroom. It even sounds like it was a 1 person bathroom and not a bunch of stalls.

So yeah unless he was listening go audible porn, using the work wi-fi, or taking longer than his normal breaks would permit...who cares?

So yeah unless he was listening go audible porn, using the work wi-fi, or taking longer than his normal breaks would permit...who cares?

I agree. I wouldn't even consider terminating one of my employees over something like this, much less get HR involved. The exception would be the things you said or if I have reason to believe it's a consistent thing.

This is a good point, and probably a fine defense on a personal level.

From a professional standpoint, though, OP is done at his job in all likelihood. In an at-will employment state HR would not need to give must of a reason for letting him go (or a reason at all), and I think it is likely that OP would not want to have to go in front of an ethics panel or something similar and defend himself anyway.

I agree, even if they let him stay, he's not likely going to be able to advance. But this might give him some extra time to job hunt, and to officially leave in good standing, instead of being fired on the spot, with cause.

This. In addition, is the Director some kind of expert on what is masturbation and what is not?

This defense has been used successfully in public cruising cases where guys, seeking anonymous hookups with guys they meet in toilets, would jack a little to indicate interest.

Furthermore, when asked, "why didn't you say so/question being sent home" claim surprise, embarrassment over being interrupted using the toilet, confusion, followed by assumption you were sent home for not being on an official poop break or something.

Last week he was sent down to Da Nang to see the Navy head shrinker, and the crazy fucker starts jerking off in the waiting room. Instant Section Eight. He was just waiting for his papers to clear division.

Seriosuly. Medical or mental. I remember being a horny as shit teen wanting to hump everything but I could at least get through a day without feeling like I had to masturbate. If you're in your 20's still not only feeling like you have to choke the chicken every day but twice then there's something up besides your dick.

Definitely fits the OCD spectrum. Nearly any set of repetitive and mentally-unavoidable actions can become OCD. In particular, this reminds me a bit of dermatillomania in that while it's not *technically* under the strict criteria for OCD, it definitely fills up about 75%+ of the symptoms, so you can probably consider it a form of OCD.

Well it does start to diminish as you get older but I'm not saying libido drops that much, it's just that you're better able to manage it. In your teens, you're awash in chemicals, girls starting developing around you, all these new emotions. It's all overwhelming. By the time you get into your 20's, you should be able to manage it without feeling like you have to rub one out, especially if at work.

Yeah, he's addicted to it. He literally can't help himself and it's having a negative impact on his life. If you couldn't get through work without a shot of alcohol and you had to go do a shot in the bathroom, everyone would say you have an addiction problem.

OP you should go to the doctor's this week before the HR meeting. Maybe you have high Testosterone and can have that in writing for the meeting. If you have a medical condition and are seeking treatment, maybe even therapy, you might be able to salvage this. Even if you don't want to keep the job it might help future employment.

But you CAN get a note saying you were seen by a doctor regarding the situation. If you spin it along the lines of “that was the catalyst for me seeking help”, I could see this going in a good direction.

There is a difference between blabbering and trying to excuse a fetish and admitting that you have a problem and are seeking help.

Plus, I’m sure getting it declared a medical condition should protect you from wrongful termination under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

They also cannot demand to see your medical records to confirm that. It'll be easier if you can get a Cialis from a friend as "Proof". But medical privacy laws will help you here. HR won't go near trying to force you to provide them. It opens them up to you suing them.

I'd go with this defense. It's brilliant.

However even if this works, I would consider your days numbered and look for another company while you're still employed. If they're determined to terminate you, they'll find a way.

It is the best defense. HR will fear lawsuit if firing you for a possible medical condition. But the explanation for the actual scenario should be purely clinical - you were experiencing a side effect from medication, it was causing discomfort and embarrassment, you were in restroom to see if side effect would resolve and to inspect the area, and your supervisor entered the stall.

You are Right HR or management cannot demand to see your medical, however on the flip side if you claim medical but don't provide it, ur arguments have no basis. Hopefully op is unionized and didn't say anything.

They can't prove that u were jerking off you could've literally had an itch. Don't admit to anything bc whatever u say will be used against you. The truth will not set you free in this case.

Reading a lot of comments I really don't get it. Why is there even a possibility that he can get fired for this? Isn't it the same as being fired for taking a deuce in a toilet? He didn't do it in public, wtf?

Cialis and Viagra both have an onset of 1-2 hours, which is why you are supposed to take them before sex. Seeing as these drugs are commonly prescribed, you could actually more damage if anyone else knows that (they likely do). So instead it's going to look like you took a Cialis with the intention of jacking off at work. Not sure that's better lol.

Seriously depending on the situation I’d just turn it around to the boss not knocking before entering a bathroom and taking a long stare at the activities. People are allowed to have an erection. I’d just say I had an erection and was trying to urinate...which is hard with an erection. The boss came in and mistook what was going on and quite frankly he should never have been looking at my activities to a degree where he could even determine what he think I was doing...which I was not. Most people who enter a bathroom and see someone there immediately look away and leave. Any time spent inspecting me in a private situation is cause for alarm. Not only did the boss missinterperate what was happening, he purposely took extra time to try and look when he should have immedietely left.

Long story short if I was in this position I would simply say I had an erection which is in no way my fault and if anything I feel sexually harrassed and if we want to take this issue further I would be happy to file something with HR to that extent and possibly file a claim against the company.

Just scare the shit out of them. Easy peasy. It’s your word against his. No smart company is gonna take a sexual harrassment claim head on especially when there is documentation that the boss already stated he saw you jerking it. He’s already perjured himself. It would be very easy for you to just say you just had an erection and were trying to pee and he was wrong. They have no way to determine who is right or wrong when it comes to if you were actually masturbating but they sure as wel already have evidence that your boss took a long look at your bathroom activities.

LOL I work in HR and this is actually good advice if you don’t want to be terminated. Not sure it will work and it still wouldn’t be illegal to terminate you but this is as good of a Hail Mary if I’ve ever seen one.

Absolutely not a good idea. For one, lying can get you fired. Especially lying to HR and especially about medical conditions, and especially to get out of trouble. Secondly, HR is going to (and in all cases MUST) get follow-up proof for your claims. You're going to need a doctors note explaining the condition, what acomodations are needed, and it has to have a set duration even if it's indefinite. Then HR has to evaluate and decide if the acomodations are reasonable and still allow you to perform the work required. Employers do not have to acomodate if it's out of the means they can easily lay you off or send you on medical leave. If you can't be acomodated you can't work there. There is no way to claim medical reasons and have HR shrug and say ok. It's just not how it works.

Kinda the same. I developed the habit of pooping after 230, usually around 245 (about when I got home from high school) didn't help that my college classes the first year reinforced this habit by having a break from 2:15 to 3:15.

The faculty restroom had a single stall and a lock on the door. 4 years of high school and only got caught once. I remember Mr. Gill banging on the door and sending me to the office once I emerged. After that, I paid off a student aid for a key to the other faculty bathroom on the far side of the school for the Ag and Art teachers.

In boot camp, the RDCs disallowed us the use of the stall privacy curtains. Once everyone comes to the eye level rule, it's not bad, as long as you don't sit across from Mr. Wide Stance.

Being a teen with a high sex drive is tough. But, I never would have been able to do that. I used to just fantasize about finally getting home. Then I'd immediately run upstairs after school to "take a nap" which was partially true because I was tired but it was never "straight to sleep."

Yeah, like I used to ogle and flirt with chicks in high school but would wait to get home and jerk off. Like why would I want to do it in a rush and sneaky like at school in a gross bathroom when I could be alone at home in front of a computer with literally hours to do the deed.

Ahhhhh.... i hope you aimed it in the toilet. I remember one day getting dresses for soccer practice and threw off my pants in the corner of the stall farthest from the toilet trying to keep it away from all the people with poor aim with peeing. After changing i realized my jeans were covered in jizz after picking them up.😣🤮

Oh no worries here. I had a secret technique. I would sit on the toilet wanking it normally. Then just as I was about to release. I would semi stand in an incomplete sort of squat over the toilet. Pull my rear end back while bending downward and leaning my body forward. At the same time I’d begin bending my shaft downward too. Thrust my pelvis downward while bending my knees. And leaning forward while looking down. It would all make it inside the bowl.

On a serious note please don’t do this. Our high school had to get the drains repaired a couple of years back because they don’t make the urinals for… thick fluids to pass through. I hope if you absolutely must, you do so in the toilet or somewhere where it will not clog.

It's tough but the best method I've found is a rubber band around the wrist. I had heard of someone doing it to quit smoking when I was in middle school. I was jerking off like all the damn time and it was making me really depressed so I decided to cut back. Everytime I had the urge, I'd thwack myself with the rubber band.
Later on, when my Mom asked me why I was doing that, I told her I was trying to quit smoking and she got super pissed off. I never even smoked cigarettes but I was much more inclined to go down for that.

Side note, Digital Forensic Profiler here, profession is not related however during my research with real criminals. A few of them has rubber bands and it was to stop the urges of self harm due to imprisonment. Speaking with a therapist at the prison she told me that it's recommended because people want to sometimes feel pain. People who cut either want the pain release or see blood. Those who want pain and are taught to use the rubber band method have reduced suicide tenancies and a faster recovery time.

It's also very good for anxiety. If you can get one of those rubber "festival wristband" styles, it looks like an accessory. Then, when you get anxious, you snap it on your wrist and say "STOP" (in your head, if nessecary). People are less likely to ask about why you have some random band on your wrist, and just think you're playing with it when you snap it.

This is also used for people who have the urge to self harm. Basically distracts you from your thought spiral and literally snaps you back into reality. Also makes you feel something which is one of the many reasons why some people self harm.

Sounds like a pretty good idea until you realise you're a masochist or end up becoming one through conditioning.

This is a recommendation from therapists and some psychiatrists as well but not in regards to jerking it as far as I know. When I went to therapy, I was told to wear a rubber band around my wrist whenever I had certain thoughts in my head that usually bring down my mood. The rubber band snap on the skin would act in such a way to break those thoughts momentarily or sometimes for good.

My girlfriend was also given this advice from a psychiatrist when she was battling depression several years ago. It helps prevent her from entering the rough places she usually goes to when she feels there is nothing left for her in this world.

The best part, if you snap yourself enough times it gets rather raw at the point of contact with the rubber band. So, with enough snaps of the band OP's soldier hopefully will stop standing at attention awaiting corporal punishment.

It’s not that straightforward. You might adopt addictive behaviors which like all addictions have roots in prior behavioral disorders and anomalies, but you can’t get a chemical addiction like with heroin or meth. Unless you have some sort of glandular disorder, your body can’t produce enough of any of these chemicals to create chemical dependency. When you talking about an actual drug you’re talking about a 3-4 orders of magnitude greater dosing than what the body can do on its own. That’s so high it actually permanently damages receptor sites and temporarily disrupts your prefrontal cortex which makes it harder and harder to regulate behavior in the future. There is no comparison to natural phenomena like orgasming or winning a bet. What happens in those cases is your practice having low willpower and your brain learns. It’s not damaged, and you can unlearn it. It’s simply the function of the normal, healthy function of a brain directed at poor behaviors. It’s probably fine to call these things maladaptive learned behaviors, and not correct to call them addictions.

You absolutely can. Had an ex who was unable to come from anything but porn and his own hand because he was so addicted. I read up about it, and it turns out you can train your body to respond only to your own grip and stroke and rhythm. Unlearning can be a ton of work!

Agreed. If he can’t stop thinking about his erection to the point of being unprofessional or thinking about sexual assault, he may be obsessive compulsive and need to see a psychologist. There’s medication that can help him relax about his obsessions.

If it's 30 minutes and he's a full time employee it's probably covered. if it's an hour, then only half of it is covered. That's how a lot of jobs were here in the states. It's been quite a few years since I was hourly, though, so that very likely could have changed and I'm talking out of my ass, though.

I'm with this guy. I was expecting twice a week at most. You've clearly reached a point where these "Random Boners" are likely because you're body is so used to cranking it twice a day, so when it hits that time Woody will always spring up on cue.

He will be the one laughing when we're in our seventies and he's the only one with a functioning prostate. There's science that shows a daily jerkoff lowers one's chance of prostate cancer by as much as 1 in 8. Prostate cancer is also the most prevalent cancer in men, affecting I believe 1 in 6.

I worked a corporate job where the company had a "mental health room" which was a room with a locking door, no windows, a comfy chair, tissues, and a sink. It's intent was for nursing mothers or people that needed a mental health break. Everyone called it the masturbation room.

I can see his meeting in HR. "I'm doing it for medical reasons! There's science that shows a daily jerk-off lowers one's chance of prostate cancer by as much as 1 in 8. Prostate cancer is also the most prevalent cancer in men, affecting I believe 1 in 6. You repressing me is LITERALLY GIVING ME CANCER! NEXT!"

Agreed. The whole "i saw you had a hard on at work, you need to take some time off and see HR on Wednesday" thing is kind of weird. Was OP so deep in thought that he didn't hear the door open? Did director person stand and watch him for a few minutes before making a noise like they were in a porno? Is/was it obvious that OP was beating it when he walked in? We need more details!

Yes, it's been a few years since I read that but I believe the article title was "up to as much as 20%" it was significant enough that it stuck with me all these years. I want to say it was a nurse's association, maybe Boston? Not saying it's hard science, I read it on reddit.

With the limited facts, a conclusion like that may be unwise to draw but understandable nonetheless. When replying to this message, please be objective as subjective biased comments pointed towards my though process can hurt my feelings. Thank you for understanding and reading this comment.

In the post OP tried pretty hard to justify his behavior as normal, but it's not normal to jerk off TWICE a day at work. I'm fine with masturbating at home and I understand unwanted boners, but OP sounds perverted.

Edit: I'm getting downvotes. Would you guys be okay with using a restroom at work where your coworker masturbates twice a day?

Since you have the time, why not go ahead and see if you can get into your doctor before your HR meeting? It would probably be more in your favor if you had some evidence of "this is an issue and I'm seeing someone about it".

Exactly. A former colleague used to do this daily during her commute from the comfort of her vehicle. One hand on the wheel and the other on her big black dildo. She never seemed to mind the excessive traffic either.

This is nice method until a trucker can see everything. Unless you don't mind of course. Also...not sure why people believe just because your perspective you can't see them doesn't mean they can't see you.

I was really horny one time and tried to wank before going to work. I was in the car, parked at my works parking lot about to head in. But I couldn't do it with my boner so I had to wank. It was the worst thing ever. Constant fear of people walking by and it just doesn't feel the same if I'm not doing it at home. I got through it, but it sucked and I'll never do it again!

For those who don't know, the thing with the whole "contract your lower abs" has its logic. I figured this out myself back in my runner days.

One gets a boner when there is constant blood flow to the dick. Reducing the blood flow to the dick will make the boner go away. So tightening your abs, or any other physical strain, will divert this blood flow away from your dick and to the strained body part instead.

This is like when you're running. Why do you never get a boner while running? Because blood is flowing everywhere else.

I mean, isn't it anybody's own business what they do on the toilet? Why would they fire anyone over that? Sure, you forgot to lock your door, but it is more embarrasing, rather than illegal, IMHO. You were on the toilet. People are expected to have their private parts out on the toilet, that's no surprise (albeit with a locked door, but it is obvious you just forgot). If I was the boss, I would laugh it off and feel awkward when passing by you the following weeks, not involve the HR...

I didn't say I do, I just, from a fundamental point of view, don't see much difference between this and e.g. a cigarette break. It is something not work-related you do between work. Nobody can expect you to be fully focused for full 8 hours. You need breaks. And if you spend them drinking coffee, stretching your legs and walking the corridor, or doing what OP did, what difference does it make time-wise?

Exactly, unless you mysteriously vanish for hours out of your day, this shouldn't be a problem. If no one noticed you being absent any longer than other employees, and you're not doing anything illegal, who cares what you're doing in the privacy of a toilet stall...

My guess, aside from unprofessional behavior at work (even in the bathroom of all places), is that the cause of arousal is worrying. Was he watching porn on company time/ equipment? Thinking steamy thoughts about a coworker? A random passerby wouldn't know what's up. Plus, overall it's safe to say that most would consider jacking off at work to be extremely inappropriate. I don't blame the director for going to HR; from his perspective something very creepy could be afoot.

I think depending on what his job responsibilities are he may be able to appeal to the sense of “this was a one time stress relief issue”, apologize and move on. I imagine most guys have tried the old “let me just take care of this before the big game/test/presentation” move once in their life. Sure, you would ideally do that at home...lol. His boss or HR could be sympathetic. Unless his job duties have very little consequence, then they may laugh off the stress excuse. Worth a shot though. At least try to dissuade them from thinking as you said that something creepy or repetitive could be going on .

What if this was a woman? Would you say the same thing? Even if he was thinking about his coworker, so what? Are you up for controlling what thoughts people have in their heads? People think sexual thoughts about each other all the time. That’s human. Yes, even at work. That doesn’t mean you act on those thoughts but you are allowed to have thoughts, whatever be the kind. Also, what you do in the toilet is nobody’s business. This is one of the most fascistic things I have read in a while.

Are you seriously comparing drinking coffee at work to jerking off in the bathroom during work hours?

Like really? This may be the pinnacle of ridiculous arguments I've seen on reddit this week. You could also smoke a blunt, watch porn, and browse white supremacy sites behind closed doors at work. That doesn't make it appropriate for a professional environment. The guy is completely right for going to HR about an employee beating it when they're supposed to be working.

I’m curious what country OP is in because here in the states, this situation would not have amounted to anything but some awkwardness and embarrassment. The fact that he’s worried about losing his job has me baffled.

The employer has no obligation to keep you at your job and you have no obligation to stay. You cannot be fired for discriminatory reasons (race, gender, etc) but you can be fired for anything else - or even nothing at all.

Interesting! In the US, you can fire someone for any reason other than discrimination based on race, sex, religion, etc. I feel like it's actually kind of good to be able to fire people for just being extremely annoying and unpleasant, because that can really affect the office environment, even if they never did anything really bad or illegal. But obviously it also means your boss can randomly decide they want to fire you and there's nothing you can do about it.

But why should you ever be forced to employ someone you simply don't want? If somebody's an asshole or you just did a bad job hiring and they aren't cut out for the job...shouldn't you be able to fire them?

I mean...if you are dating someone and you get to the point where you realize you just don't like their company any more, nobody is going to blame you for dumping them. Just like if they realize they don't like you, they can dump you too.

The normal way to let someone go (ordentliche Kündigung) has a minimum period of notice of 1 month, which gets longer the longer you are with a company. Even for this you need a real reason, not wanting to work with someone any longer is not enough.

A faster way to fire someone is the termination without notice period (although you do get 2 weeks)(außerordentliche Kündigung). This needs a special reason. Theft, insult, refusal to work, etc.

But my point is how is it different from having a coffee or a cigarette. From the company's perspective, it's the same amount of time you spend doing something not work-related, whether you just gaze out the window, or do what OP did.

Sometimes I have to take a shit when I have a boner. I think he’ll keep his job. He just has to say that he was trying to position his penis so it didn’t shoot out pee while he was pooping. He can say he has weak pelvis muscle. He can’t help that he had a boner while taking one.

Actually you are probably fucked. Yes it’s no ones business what you do in the toilet but the fact is, it’s an inappropriate place to do it. I remember Sal on the Howard Stern show got caught. He almost got fired. Anyone else would have been except he worked on the Howard Stern show.

So where is the line? Is it ok for your kids kindergarten teacher to toss off in the bathroom at school? That’s just one example of a line that shouldn’t be crossed. Don’t say “well he’s in a school”. He’s at a place of work. So if it’s ok at an office with other people around, it should be ok at the teachers job? Just the sentence about sexual assault is a red flag on this. It’s amazing that it’s just not common sense to not toss off at work.

Sometimes I think about how there’s seemingly no reason that I was born in the first place. No rhyme or reason; I could have been anything or nothing. Yet here I am as a human being capable of reading and alive at just the right time to witness this discussion about where we draw the line on acceptable places to jerk off. I feel a strange sense of awe.

But it's also on company property, so it does kind of become their business. I can only imagine that OP was facing the door or something in order for him to be caught dead to rights that and that OP is also damn near deaf to not hear someone walk into the bathroom while he is having a tug of war with the one eyed python. Otherwise, he could have tried to state he was shaking it after taking a piss.

This. They don't just give you a week off paid with a HR meeting scheduled for your return unless they're sharpening the axe. Even if he doesn't get fired here, his career and reputation at that company are ruined. On the plus side, this guy is gonna be infamous. They'll tell all the new hires about the bathroom jerker for years to cum.

Assuming your work days are 8 hours, if you can’t even get through that, you may have a problem. Feeling the need vs literally having to do it is a big difference. Now I’m no dude, but I do have a husband and I know darn well it can go away without doing anything and I mean he doesn’t even have to take care of it himself. We’re in bed watching tv and suddenly he wants it. Sometimes really bad. I’m not in the mood, or can’t for obvious reasons. He can continue to watch tv and it just go away. If yours literally won’t go away without doing something about it, I’d go see a doctor. Maybe you really do have a medical issue.

Maybe that is the trick OP could deploy here. Quickly see a psych doc and get some form of documentation written up for a sexual addiction, then play the disability angle with HR, so they would be border-line on firing someone with a mental/medical issue.

Cause damn, I don't know of anyone who has had that type of issue where they get hard and immediately have to go spank it as a result. From the sounds of it, he has mentally conditioned his brain that his one eyed pal needs petted every time it stands at attention for so long, it does not know what to do when it does not get petted when he ignores it.

Yeah, his is a feeling I've never really related with. I masturbate a healthy amount (maybe an unhealthy amount) but I've never popped a boner and gone crap, now I gotta jack it. Like, I just put up with it, and it goes away before long.

Having uncontrollable sexual urges in the workplace twice per day puts him in the area of having a sexual behavior disorder. OP should consider going to a sex therapist. He might be able to find a new job, but I doubt the sexual urges will stop just because he got a new job.

I'm not defending jerking off on the clock, but to be fair I think you totally misunderstood his sexual assault line. He said he was worried that he would get accused of sexual assault for walking around with a boner, not worried the boner would make him go assault someone.

Im not defending what he did, but I've had weeks at a time where I cannot control or subdue my libido. This led to masturbating before work, at work, then during my lunch break, again at work, then on the drive home, followed by hours more at home. Every day for WEEKS. Then it just stopped.

I have no excuse. I have no answers. I'm not sure if it's as simple as hormones going crazy, or just having no self control over my body, but it's thoroughly convinced me that humans can go into heat just the same as other animals.

i also did multiple occasions of jerking on the company toilets. but one of my ground rules is to try and open the toilet door myself after closing it and before jerking off. That way i'm more than certain no one gets in... oh, and try to keep the noises of wanking to a minimum ;)

In the UK a bathroom counts as a public place. As such it is technically illegal to perform a sexual act although you were in privacy so idk. Either way, thanks for sharing I definitely cracked up reading this

Ten thousand upvotes to this. Calling it a public space doesn’t clean up the issue at all, given nothing else you do in a bathroom stall is acceptable public behavior either, and often leads to the same exact act-specific consequences, e.g. many places will put you on the sex offender registry for public urination. You’d need some specific rationale to single out masturbation as unacceptable in that location.

All seriousness, you might be able to get away with a warning if you provide evidence that you're seeking treatment options for what may very well be sex addiction. It's a long shot and could backfire but I think that's your best bet - if you're showing that it's an actual medical issue and you're actively working on a solution then you could keep your job.

This is very good advice. Most companies have policies in place where you can not be terminated for addictions if you are seeking help. I would IMMEDIATELY... RIGHT NOW... call someone and get started on a sex addiction therapy. They can provide you with documentation for HR.

Granted ive seen in employee handbooks for drug and alcohol treatment, so i would assume it would extend to sexual addiction treatment,

Either way, if you have the urge to masterbate in public, thats a condition you need treated.

I was thinking this as well. Spend the week coming up with a plan and present it to them. That's what I did, but then again my issue was escaping an abusive relationship so people were a bit more understanding than they would be for someone lacking the self control to not jack off when they think of Janet's boobs.

Considering the line "(to not) get done for sexual assault" I think it's probably fair you get fired. If you're the sort of person who thinks "I have to masturbate in a public place otherwise I'll sexually assault someone" as a weird joke/excuse, then you're the sort of person who I wouldn't want working around me. Same goes for saying things like "pumping the turkey neck" it's weird and creepy.

I think what op meant was that they simply did not want anyone to see their boner and misconstrue it as a sexual advance. They also said that they can't figure out how to make it go away without nutting. I don't think they meant that "if I'm horny I'll assault people" like how you seem to be interpreting it.

OP is a creepy skeevy person for sure, but I think he meant that someone would see. That's how interpreted it too. Not that if he didnt jerk off he was gonna rape a coworker - that's a little over the top.

Yeah I think you're right and I misunderstood his meaning. But I don't think it excuses masturbating twice a day at work in an unlocked stall.

If anything, positively reinforcing the constant arousal by satisfying it is only going to condition someone to keep getting aroused.

When you're at school-age this happens, and tends to go away for most people as they get used to the fact that the slightest sexual thought doesn't result in ejaculation every time. I don't think there's a good enough excuse for it really, it's not like it's a terrible crime or anything, but it's really inappropriate and demonstrates a lack of self control that some might find disturbing.

Also saying things like "pumping the turkey neck" is definitely creepy, its the sort of language people use when they are minimising the overt sexual nature of something to make it more "fun" and jokey, when actually it's just plain weird.

Now things are gonna be trickier if he wants to try that. The only way to establish dominance at this point is to sneak into his boss’s house so that his boss walks in on him jerkin’ it in his bathroom. If proper eye contact is maintained his boss will be too intimidated to have him fired and will call off HR.

I mean, unless he saw you furiously beating it, tell him that you had pain and was checking yourself out of fear of cancer or something. They can't prove you didn't have pain, and pain can and does cause erections. If you ask me, they dont have a leg to stand on, and you have three.

I think this is a good week to make sure your resume is in order. Even if they don't fire you (I honestly don't know what the policy on something like this is) it's going to be a very uncomfortable situation at work.

This seems like a classic case of conditioning. Your dick knows when it gets hard you will reward it with an orgasm even if you're at work. Solution: next time you get a boner at work, punch yourself in the junk as hard as you can. Negative reinforcement works!

Seriously though, I am not a penis owner but having to jack off twice a day sounds excessive, maybe see a doctor because it's clearly interfering with your ability to lead a normal life.

What's most troubling about this story is the fact that your colleague found it necessary to inform HR... or anyone else for that matter. What the fuck is wrong with people? There's not a snowball's chance in hell that what you did was illegal, so stop worrying about that. You will likely get fired because people suck, but this does not make you a criminal.

“You gotta bump those numbers up, those are rookie numbers. I jerk off at least twice a day.”

In all seriousness, deny everything. Gaslight them if you need to. Say you weren’t jerking it and make your coworker look like the crazy one if they say you were jerking in the bathroom. What’s their proof?

Wasn’t there another TIFU similar to this that happened with a woman? Hers was different because it was in her office. I wonder what happened with that one. Hope you’re situation goes well and maybe just a slap on the wrist

Sounds like you need a healthier way to deal with your sexual urges. Cause jacking it at work is no way to do it. This is the kind of thing where, since it's a daily occurrence, it's only a matter of time until you fuck up with it.

Um wasn't your privacy violated? What you do in the bathroom is your own business, it's not like you were doing it in a cube. In turn what about the shame and enbaracemnt you know have to endure. Can you spin this in your favor and sue them? Just wondering.

If I were you, id totally lie my ass off! Say something so ridiculous that they just end up believing you because it would be too crazy to make up. For instance, you popped a couple Viagra the night before as you were having an epic sex sesh. But the next morning, no matter what you did, the boner would just not go down. So every time you had to pee it became an epic battle of keeping your cock aimed at the toilet due to the unrelenting erection you had, which would explain why you looked so "into" it in the bathroom.

To top it off make it seem as if you were about to go to the hospital but out of complete fear of embarrassment, you were afraid to tell your boss the situation, and you tried your best to just make it through the workday until you could go to a walk-in clinic that night. Express gratitude that they unwittingly helped you by letting you leave early so you could seek treatment immediately. Also explain that the week off was a great idea because it gives you time to recover from this traumatic experience!

Edit: of course now when i go back and read all the comments similar ideas have already been mentioned. Funny alot of us think alike! lol

One last edit: you might want to look into why you find it necessary to jerk off not once but fucking twice a day at work. Most people literally never do that at work let alone twice a day. Sorry to say but you probably are actually a creepy pervert

If I were you, it totally lie my ass off! Say something so rediculous that they just end up believing you becauae it would be too crazy to make up. For instance, you popped a couple Viagra the night before as you were having an epic sex sesh. But the next morning, no matter what you did the boner would just not go down. So everytime you had to pee it became an epic battle of keeping your cock aimed at the toilet do to the unrelenting erection you had, which would explain why you were looked so "into" it in the bathroom.

To top it off make it seem as if you were about to go to the hospital but out of complete fear of embarrassment, you were afraid to tell your boss the situation, and you tried your best to just make it through the workday until you could go to a walk-in clinic that night. Expfess gratitude that they unwittingly helped you by letting you leave early so you could seek treatment immediately. Also explain that the week off was a great idea because it gives you time to recover from this traumatic experience!

I'm in HR. First of all, I fucking hate you because that would be the most uncomfortable of things I've had to sit through, and I've sat through some uncomfortable HR conversations before.

Second, your best bet is to just find a new job. Even if they can't justify firing you for this, they WILL find another reason to let you go. I can almost guarantee that.

Third, you might want to seek some medical advice to hopefully get the urges in check. It's getting to the point of interfering in your day to day and your ability to function at work.

Best of luck, dude. A lot of places have defamation protections that will not allow people to discuss reasons for termination in reference checks. For instance, we only verify dates of employment and titles so we are not liable for any lawsuits. You might want to check into that.

He might be....the Howard thing was a few years ago and they bring it up how HR got involved and they were close to firing him. I know with the current climate out there, most businesses would be quick to let someone caught doing this go. Some may not like what I am saying but where I am you’d be gone.
And I know the quick thing for anyone not agreeing with me is to downvote but from a business standpoint an employer who has both male and female employees will cut bait, It shows lack of judgement. And if it gets out that a manager knew this happened and another employee of either gender is uncomfortable with it, the company becomes liable. And I hear the arguments on what you do in privacy, etc. The normal expectation of a person walking into a bathroom is to expect someone might be shitting or pissing in there. There is not a normal expectation that someone is jerking off.

I find it strange that you’d even get in trouble for this? Surely what you do in the toilet is your business. I used to do it all the time and it actually helped me deal with stress. Not as though you shot your load over his suit. Sounds like he might need a wank if anything!

Just deny deny deny. And by the way why is he talking about my penis. Why is he opening my bathroom door while im in there and then going around saying what he saw. Sounds like a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen. You can always say that. Lol

I highly doubt that this situation is salvageable. I know you are in the privacy of a bathroom and all but you forgot to lock the door and got caught. Next come the assumptions of you being a perv (even if you aren't) and why you couldn't do that on your own time. Speaking of that, they will get you for wasting time, while you should have been working.

If I were you, I'd just look for a new job. This will make it around the company and your reputation there has been ruined now. There is no saving this one.

Jacking off at work is healthy. Who cares? He invaded ur privacy in the bathroom. You didn’t do it in front of anyone. I could see a problem if u left a mess though. If you’re horny all day u can’t get any work done.

Tell them your wife sent you a naughty photo for the first time in years because your couple's therapist told you both to be more spontaneous and naughty. You just took her advice too far and made a bad decision. You're horrified and embarrassed by the whole thing and you're very sorry. It wont happen again.

Everyone is concluding the HR meeting is because OP is in trouble, but we don't have enough information to draw that conclusion. It could be just as likely the HR meeting is to make sure OP isn't going to sue for having his privacy violated.

The bathroom is the correct place to do it, honestly. I know my views aren't universally felt, but it's a bathroom, it's already gross. Fecal matter can be toxic, male bodily fluids, though gross are completely safe even when placed in the mouth/ingested. Thank you to the billions of women out there and all throughout history who made themselves test subjects on this one.

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I agree with other commentators, I'd say it's one of those cases where it's polite and natural to lie, like at an interview. If you want the truth, you can claim it's a mental thing, because honestly part of it is...you're addicted. Your line about blood in your privates is silly. Every man feels that.

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I guess it's reddit so I can be honest. I've been in your shoes, son. I've never been caught, but I've masturbated at work in the bathroom. I try to just do it at home. Honestly, the willpower for that minimum is super important. I had an urge just this morning at work, even put my hand on it to gauge its stiffness, but whipped it away like it was on a hot plate. I adjusted carefully, using that waistband technique we all discovered during our puberty years. The one where you risk people seeing a little mushroom on your belly if your shirt rides too high.

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Just tell yourself you'll do it later at home, and it will feel even better.

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And if you do lose your job...here's some controversial advice for reddit, but I've seen a lot of church brochures at the YMCA about masturbation addiction. Psychological help is expensive, but the people there could potentially help. I've been to other addiction meetings too, and sure it's a church, but they don't make you drop to your knees and do uncomfortable spiritual stuff. They're down to earth people who know what they're dealing with.

2 Times a day everyday?! You should get that checked out, alternatively next time you get a boner flex your arm and eventually the boner will stop because blood is being sent to your arm instead of your dick

Definitely update us, I'm curious to know how this turns out. I honestly have no idea if they can fire you, since you were in the bathroom. I suppose they can say it was an inappropriate use of your time at work (which it was obviously). But if you were taking a shit, forgot to lock the door & he walked in on you, it'd just be embarrassing for both of you. I guess it depends on where you are, the labor laws, and how much they like you!

Honestly, I'd just resign. They're probably going to frame it as some kind of exhibitionism where you left the door unlocked on purpose in order to be seen. There's not much you can do to defend against this one. Consider it a lesson learned hopefully.

If you have to compulsively masturbate twice a day AT WORK just to get by you should actively seek therapy. It sounds like there's an unchecked sex addiction that needs some attention before the worst happens.

You need to jerk off twice a day, while at work? I'm not trying to make fun of you but it sounds like you have a problem. Why can't you just do it before work and then again after work? I could understand going to work and spontaneously feeling the need to relieve yourself, but it should not happen every day and definitely not twice a day. I'd honestly consider seeing a doctor or therapist or something, if it's really that bad.

The values of people here are all fucked. I would never fire anyone for this reason (yes, I have a company). If you masturbate during your toilet breaks, but you do your jeb well, I couldn’t give less fucks. There is not enough ground to suspect you of any creepy behavior.

Pretend the boss caught you peeing. He walked in on your private bathroom moment. Agree that he thinks he saw this, but in reality you're just taking a piss. Act casual and not defensively. Relax yourself and just say "honest mistake. I didn't even report it to HR." Boss might drop.it

You could have asked him if he would prefer that you take care of your business in private in the bathroom, or walk around with a raging boner in the office all day making every other person uncomfortable.

I mean it's not professional but it's not like you did it at a desk or whatever you were doing in the bathroom what I don't understand is how he caught you if you're in the bathroom I'm assuming in a stall ?

Seriously contact an employment lawyer now! You were not in front of anyone or hurting anyone or looking at porn on the computer system. I heard a case where an executive was online nonstop on porn and he fought his firing even though it was a blatant almost constant violation with witnesses! So good luck.

Dude come on now. You are in a toilet.
If anything you would have a case against the person barging in on you without knocking.
No one gets sent to hr for jacking off in the bathroom behind a closed door.
I literally don't believe a word of this post.

It's not illegal, they probably just aren't too keen on you doing it on company time. Secretly record the meeting if you live in an area where it's legal to do so, as opposed to a "two part consent state." If they fire you over something like this, I strongly recommend a lawyer. It doesn't matter what you were doing in the bathroom as long as it wasn't illegal. You had a reasonable expectation of privacy. Seriously, who walks into the bathroom without knocking/looking for feet under the stall door? It's not like you were doing it in the middle of the office lobby. Good grief I hate corporate types.

My local morning radio show had a subject like this a few weeks ago. I think they ended up talking to lawyer or a police officer that said if you're in the bathroom stall. that is a private space and your boss actually imposed on your privacy. I'm not a lawyer but that's the little bits I remember from their show that morning. Check them out. Dave and chuck the freak on the WRIF

Why is no addressing the fact that this is unacceptable behavior in the first place? Do not masturbate in public bathrooms especially at your place of work. Get a grip on your sexual desires. Nothing about masturbating 2 times a day while at work is ok. This person needs help

I don't think there's any hope for you keeping your job. No one really wants to work with someone who is known to jerk off in their working environment; not least because it's completely unprofessional, but becaue you'll always run the risk of getting caught which can could cause extreme discomfort to the other person. As others have suggested, see a doctor or get some theropy. Most of us don't have to jerk off at work, twice a day.

tell them you have high stress levels and the Dr. told you to do this instead of taking medication, they cant ask the Dr. cause he cant disclose the info, idk, or just stop jerking it at work or make sure the doors locked

So he came into your private cubicle which you had accidentally left unlocked but you're now in trouble for it? This doesn't make any sense, this should never have been raised with HR unless your company has a very strict no fap policy.

Im not sure if they can even fire you for this... If he does you could sue for wrongful termination. What you do in the bathroom is your business and so long as you are a 2 pump chump and finish with 3-4 minutes I don't think that he could claim you were stealing company time or anything...

If you want to keep the job, go see a doctor and at least show that there is a medical concern and you are trying to get it addressed. They may give you the benefit of the doubt and put you on probation to not do it anymore. If they do let you go, at least you have documented contact with a medical professional about the issue and it gives you some options to explore.

I used to wank in the work toilets everyday to wake me up a bit as I was always tired. I really find it a bit dumb how you could possibly forget to lock the door though shit really just doesn't add up who in the right mind would not think of that?

You can always go with "Addiction". Most larger companies have steps in place to retain employees that come to them or are found out about an addiction situation, that hasn't really had negative affects to their job performance. Say your a sexy addict and need help with the problem. You might even be able to get FMLA protection if you see a psychiatrist and talk with them....which might be a good idea if you're going full board twice a day at work. Insurance might even pay disability time if you see a doctor and take medical leave for a minute.

I'm sorry, OP. Here is a tip for the future: What works best in my experience is tightening a muscle. I usually go for the bizeps. The blood club leaves you to yourself in around 30 seconds. If its already a big thing it might not work or take longer. Haven't tried that yet since I'm already flexing when the arrival is imminent.

I used to work as a custodian in an elementary school, and I had the same exact thought as you I wanted to be professional. cuz I have the same problem when I think of any, just any even animal kind of girl my dick just springs up. So next time, if you can't get out of the HR jail, go ahead and masturbate once or twice before you go to work.

As I know, what you do in the toilet is privat stuff so it's not to their concern. You can probably sue them real hard if you lose your job because of that. Well, in my country at least (europe region).

You can say you have priapism. It's a medical condition and legitimate. Act very embarrassed, say you're trying to live a normal life, pull out some tears, say you feel like your privacy was violated, etc etc.

Or you can claim you weren't doing anything at the time (since your boss walked in on you . You might just get fired for lying and making the boss look bad).

Lady here. From what I've heard about the way men are, this is ridiculous and your company director was wrong to take it any further. I bet every guy has done this, even him. Follow the advise of others here, but for your own mental health, try to get over it.

PS, we were at a restaurant known for foreign food, employing lots of foreigners. My husband walked into their public men's room and caught an employee doing this. He won't eat there now. So there's that.

Working my job I have a lot of walking around our huge building to do. Sometimes if I have even the slightest mildly erotic thought the blood goes straight to my junk and DOES NOT leave! No matter how hard I try to think of hideous things to make it go away.

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Sooooo, did that make the hard on go away? You may have found the cure for your problem! :)

I agree with this. If I walked in on someone in the john, I don't think my eyes would even go close enough to their junk to know what they are doing. It's a private place. Long as you aren't intentionally making me hear it or see it, then I don't see firing someone over this. Maybe a "never do that again and it never happened" conversation... but fired?

I'm far more offended by the dudes who are vocal about their dumps. Like... "UGGHHHH!!" And that happens in every corporate bathroom in America all day everyday.

No, because if a non-penised person was masturbating under the same circumstances, all that person would have to do is take their fingers out of their vagina. Even if they were in a funny position or more naked than is normally required for peeing, the director wouldn't have reason to jump to "masturbation" as the cause.

How about actin like a fucking adult man? A grown man cannot control his sexual urges? I think you left the door unlocked on purpose and wanted to get caught man. That sounds more likely....twice a day at work? Sheesh man show some fuckin self control.

OP, you should probably get help for your condition as it's not normal to be that aroused all the time. What you did is most likely not illegal. The real lesson though, is to not work at terrible places that would fire you over dumb shit like this. If it wasn't this, it would probably be something like not refilling the coffee maker.

I'd consider filing a complaint. He's firing you for walking in on YOU in the bathroom. There's no way he can write up paperwork for that invasion of privacy without a huge legal problem. You were in the lavatory which is the appropriate place for normal biological functions. You have a right to privacy.