Supernatural 7.06 – Slash Fiction

I’m coming running at you with an ax, chop you in the hip, now you only hop.

Sam and Dean Winchester walking into a bank is, in my opinion, a red flag that something ain’t right. Sam and Dean Winchester don’t have bank accounts, ATM cards or, y’know, any form of valid I.D. and I could go off on a whole tangent regarding car titles and auto insurance, but it isn’t like Dean would ever show up for court if he got a ticket, so my argument is moot. Dean saunters up to the teller and lays on the charm thick, all the while signaling at Sam, who is doing all but whistling while rocking to and fro on his heels in the background, to steal second.

The teller is lapping up Dean’s lines, and contemplating lapping at Dean, when the Winchesters pull out their weapons and go Call of Duty: Black Ops on the ceiling of the bank. They herd up the people in the bank into the elevator and open fire.

There are a few options available to explain this:

A) The Winchesters have finally cracked. Fully.
B) Obviously everyone in the bank was some kind of monster that can only be killed us claustrophobia and automatic weaponry.
C) Carbon copies are running around making life hard for the Winchesters.
After the title card we cut directly to Rufus’ place where Bobby has conveniently relocated. Down in the basement Bobby has Chet, our dependably recognizable Leviathan that was stunned by James Marsters’ stunning blue eyes, I mean Don Stark’s boy witch magic, chain to a chair. Bobby has apparently been running through the entire Settlement Cookbook trying to find out how to cook Chet from the veins out. Nothing’s working and Chet is taunting Bobby about how much his holy water and salt remind him of three-two beer and White Pear Arbor Mist respectively. Tasty sure, but nothing to make you throw your head back, yell and whip your shirt off over.

Sam and Dean come clomping down the basement steps wanting to know if Bobby has cracked Chet yet. Bobby’s wondering why the boys came to this frat party without a keg of their own, because Chet’s got the tolerance of a senior year Phi Beta Kappa and Bobby’s gotten zip out of him. Dean pulls up a chair and tries something novel, he asks Chet direct questions. Chet’s an honest guy so he answers everything in a fully straightforward manner. This boggles everyone, but Chet lets them in on why he’s violating the #1 villain rule: Don’t Reveal Your Master Plan, the Leviathan’s aren’t scared of the Winchesters, not in the slightest. They’ll give the boys a blue print and the keys to the safe, because it doesn’t matter, the boys can’t hurt them. Oh, he also tells them that they need to pull their heads out of the dirt and pick up a paper or turn on the 11 o’clock news, because he’s the least of their worries.

I like Chet. A lot.

Conveniently, Rufus’ cabin gets MSNBC and everyone that guessed C) up above was right. Alright, chances are you didn’t guess, you knew, because you watch promos, but for the 0.002% of the fandom that stays successfully spoiler free, give yourself a high-5 if you circled the correct answer.

Sam and Dean are very much not okay with this and want to start cracking skulls. Bobby tells them they’re stupid and ugly. No really, he totally does. It’s kinda awesome. However, the boys will hear nothing against their brains or beauty and are determined to go hunt their own faces down and stealthily avoid all forms of law enforcement. Because this is personal, the world can only handle one set of Winchesters, the alternative is scientifically impossible, that’s just too much rugged attractiveness running around. Bobby, suitably exasperated, sends them to an old acquaintance, Frank Devereaux, to make this mission a teeny bit less suicidal.

En route to their destination they stop for gas. I get that, the Impala needs fuel, but why Sam offered to go into the convenience store for munchies and why Dean didn’t stop him when they know they’re walking around with “WANTED” stamped across their foreheads, I’ll never understand. The clerk immediately recognizes Sam. You know why, Sam? Because a BOLO for a white male, average height, average build does not apply to you. You stand out.

They jump in their steel horse and peel out. We get a quick update of the Fed side letting us know that the doppelgangster Winchesters are still cutting a bloody swath. Meanwhile, the real Sam and Dean head to Frank Devereaux’s for help.

Frank Devereaux. This is who Ronald Reznick was going to grow up to be. I’m pretty sure that if Frank wasn’t too paranoid to answer questions we’d be able to ask him if he knew Ronald. I bet he knew Ronald. Or Ronald regularly sent him fan letters. To a P.O. Box, of course. Don’t tell Frank I’m speculating about him though. Just get him ten chocolate chip cookies. Medium chips, none too close to the sides. And come in with the milk, come in with the milk, come in with the milk…

After determining that the Winchesters do not, in fact, have a TARDIS and have been laser copied, Frank begins the process of going way under the radar. Frank spring cleans all their rock god aliases and turns them into Mr. and Mr. Smith. I’m pegging Dean as Angelina Jolie in this pairing. He also trashes Sam’s laptop in a way that I imagined doing so many times back when I still had a Dell. Smashing it against the desk looked so liberating and satisfying. I’m assuming by he price tag he charges them for their new laptop he upgraded Sam to a Mac. Good man.

Then he tells them to ditch the Impala because their terrible twins are driving a dupe of it. Dean is not pleased. Frank sends them off with the tools to snow Big Brother and the knowledge that thoughtcrime is death. I’m assuming that Frank immediately called Dr. Hodgins. From an unlisted number.

This whole time Bobby has been trying his damnedest to severely injure Chet. At this point I think Bobby is just using Chet as a therapy tool and Chet is doing his best Drusilla impression. Bobby finally can’t take it anymore and Marie Antoinettes Chet’s melon off his neck. Progress.

Knock at the door and it’s Sheriff Mills. It seems that the sheriff has a bit of detective in her and squirreled out Bobby’s new location. I’ve gotta say, I’m not entirely sure what the actual point of burning down Bobby’s house was if the show is just gonna give him a new base camp for people to ferret out. Sheriff Mills insists that Bobby call her Jody and that he let her be nice to him. Bobby seems to be missing all the fluttery eyelash signals she’s sending because he accepts very begrudgingly and puts a limit on just how nice she’s allowed to be. Season 1!Dean Winchester is disappointed. But Bobby has business to check on and sure enough, right as he gets back to the basement Chet’s head zombie crawls its way back onto his shoulders and fuses back on. No worries, Bobby just lops it off again. See? Therapeutic.

Sam and Dean are in their new car. New is a relative term. They clearly stole this car from a daycare center worker who is going to send her unicorn army after them. After she watches a few My Little Pony episodes. In this scene we get the one-two punch of Dean quoting “Dirty Dancing” and enthusiastically lip-syncing Air Supply’s “All Out of Love”. It’s hilariously awkward, Dean’s lip-syncing is deeply heartfelt and Sam is traumatized and I’m certain it’s the best moment in Supernatural so far. Sam can’t take the second hand embarrassment and flicks off the radio. Now that he can concentrate he notices the pattern the twins are taking; they’re hitting up all the spots the Winchesters had a hunt at from the time Dean scooped Sam up from Stanford. That’s nice of them to leave a trail. Sam and Dean, welcome to your weekly trap.

We cut to the evil clones at eating at one of real!Dean’s favorite diners, they’re sitting there laying out on the table what loyal viewers have know for years: Dean eats like a teenager and thinks pornographic thoughts about junk food, Sam tortures himself by gnawing on foliage, Dean’s expectations of himself and others is way too high, Sam is a pharmaceutical salesperson’s dream come true. Some things hold true though, doppel!Dean will still take any chance to mock Sam’s hair. Fed up with having to deal with the Winchesters’ issues, the copies decide to up the ante and start wrapping this up. Doppel! Dean asks very kindly for the boy at the booth near them to start vlogging, the boy does. Because Dean has a Spectre M4 aimed at him. This is SO going on YouTube. He drops his royale with cheese and hops up onto the counter as Sam starts yelling and giving the camera the full serial killer routine. They gun everyone down, leaving the boy for last. Then Sam shoots Marvin in the face.

I feel like tonight’s SPN cracked open my skull, raided all of my pop culture references, then sat down to watch all my DVDs. If there had been a shout out to “Steel Magnolias” or “Varsity Blues”, I would have been calling Frank Devereaux up to check my house for cameras.

Back at the ranch Bobby is about to get a little too therapeutic with Chet. He’s hitching jumper cables to Chet’s chains, but he gets too close and boom! Chet is now wearing Bobby’s face and trucker cap. Bobby!Chet starts giving us some insight into just how screwed up Bobby is on the inside. Bobby being an honorary Winchester suddenly makes even more sense.

Over in Iowa, Sam and Dean see Sam and Dean. Then Sam and Dean get arrested while trying to convince the police that they are not the Sam and Dean they are looking for, but being cuffed makes it hard to wave your hand in front of someone’s face. Dean looks over across the street at Dean, Dean meets Dean’s gaze and smirks.

Try saying that paragraph five times fast.

Over at Bobby’s (let’s face it, calling it Rufus’ place is just no longer true even in memory, unless Rufus comes back from the grave to claim it…) we see Bobby still dealing with Chet!Bobby and getting increasingly annoyed at all the Phil Donahue-ing going on and is about to katana his own head off when something from above starts dripping on Chet!Bobby. Chet!Bobby’s skin fizzles and he screams in agony. Bobby runs upstairs to see Sheriff Mills with a bucket of cleanser and a rag trying to clean up a mess she made. She’s sheepish, Bobby is ecstatic and kisses her.

While this is going on, Dean and Sam are shackled and separated. Dean is in his cell begging for his phone call. The officer obliges and dials Bobby. On speakerphone Bobby tells Dean that they’ve finally gotten a lucky break. Borax makes the Leviathans burn, this slows them down long enough to cut their heads off. This is great news to Dean. The officer, on the other hand, is horrified and leaves Dean to rot in the cell. As fate would have it, the officer just happens upon the Leviathans, who have temporary changed into other cops, one is feasting on a co-worker, the other one scolds him and they shift back into Sam and Dean. The officer decides maybe Sam and Dean Winchester aren’t completely psychotic and lets Dean out of his cell. Dean orders him to rustle up anything with Borax in it and meet him at the closest Leviathan.

He does. I wouldn’t. But he does.

They are able to stop Leviathan!Sam with a shower of 20 Mule Team solution and ax to the throat. Then head into the interview room to save Sam. Too bad Doppel!Dean has been in there long enough to spill the beans about Dean offing Amy Pond behind Sam’s back. You can actually see the moment Sam’s heart cracks apart, Doppel!Dean is stoked and is about to go in for the less metaphorical kill when Dean and the officer white knight on it and take care of business. They bag up the heads and ask the officer to make them legally dead again. The officer agrees, because he’s damned if he’s going to tell the truth about this.

Unfortunately for the officer and his daughter, the town medical examiner, the Feds that come into question them are Leviathans. Bummer. That’s a lot of blood. FBI Special Agent Leviathan dials up a man that seems to be very rich and very powerful. His name is Dick. I’m thinking Politian.

Because we haven’t fit enough people into this episode, Crowley appears in Dick’s Hummer limo with a basket of muffins. Gluten-free with organic baby uvulas. That’s sweet. He tries to strike a deal with Dick, but Dick shoots him down. I’m hoping this means we’ll see more of Crowley, perfectly scorned and sidling up to Bobby and the Winchesters like the magnificent, snarktastic bastard that he is.

We end the episode with Sam and Dean at the side of the car, getting ready to dump their duffled Doppel!heads off a pier. Sam is distant, Dean is concerned and now Dean wants to talk. So Sam does. In the background Fleetwood Mac’s “Go Your Own Way” swells. Or maybe that’s just in my head. Sam tells Dean he knows about Amy, grabs his stuff and breaks up with Dean.

Tonight I’m coming home and marathoning every movie I’ve every bought. Thanks, “Supernatural”, at least I know I’ve got taste.

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