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Today was pure magic. After six long weeks of Todd communting to Dallas for his new job, he’s home. Just knowing that he’s not leaving tonight has made the day brighter. We went out to dinner last night then to a nearby bar to haveall some drinks. After 278574839 glasses of wincase came home to find the kids asleep in Audrey’s bed. My heart about exploded.

It didn’t last all night, sadly. Finn woke up around 3 am and was looking for me. I woke up and felt surprisingly sober given my state before I went to bed. We woke up for the day at 6:30 and I wasn’t hungover at all!

Todd took the kids to the splash park and I lounged in bed, read a little and went back to sleep. They came home, had lunch and Finn napped. He woke up in a great mood and we all did puzzles and play dough for the rest of the afternoon. It was such a sweet, easy, relaxing day.

Im neatening up the house while they’re burning energy at the splash park again. I feel such a sense of peace which is a stark contrast to how I’ve felt the past 2 months. It’s lovely.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about having another baby. (As if that isn’t totally obvious) All of the reasons on my “Let’s do it!” list are things that I wanted to do with my other babies that I didn’t get to do (home birth, cloth diaper from the beginning, etc). I LOVE babies. I will always love babies. I could probably have 17 babies and I will likely still have pangs in my ovaries when I see another new baby. That is not a good reason to reproduce though.

Our life is fantastic with the two children we have. They are a delightful mess and we are already bursting at the seams in our little house. Yes, that will get better once the work is done on the house but still, I am bursting at the seams. We don’t have family nearby – maybe our story would be different if we did. We have to travel a great distance to visit anyone and dude, that’s a small fortune with 4. 5 would be over the top.

I’m looking at this in a positive light. I can move on now. I can get rid of the baby stuff. Clean out all of the bins of clothing and only keep the favorites. Sell the stroller. Let it go.

It feels better than I thought it would. It helps to have the sweetest pair of kids alive.

My period is late. Like a LOT late. I’m not pregnant. I know this. Not only is the timing of things wrong but I’ve taken a pregnancy test. I know I’m not pregnant AND I’M GLAD. Mostly.

We’re still on the fence with #3. There are days when I can’t imagine adding more chaos to our lives and days when I can’t imagine not giving birth again or nursing a new baby or rubbing my cheeks on fluffy baby hair. But when I look deep into myself I really can see being happy with just the four of us. Todd would be more than thrilled with keeping things they way they are and on most days, I would too. I just don’t know.

But I digress.

I spoke to my OB’s nurse yesterday about this missing period thing and asked if there was anything I should do. I was taken aback when she called me with the instructions to come in for a pregnancy test. “Taken aback” is the world’s biggest understatement, FYI. I agreed and told her I’d be in something in the morning and hung up the phone. After taking a few minutes to process what she said I got really, really angry.

My cycles since Finn have been a mess, very unpredictable. I’m older. And fatter. It’s not really a huge surprise. What was surprising was how I felt this morning when I went into the old clinic/lab. I knew where to park and which floor and where the lab check in was located. I knew the protocol with the paperwork and how to exit swiftly and make my way to the elevator with tears streaming down my face. This morning was so much like all of those other mornings 5 years ago. Hell, daycare shares the same parking lot as the company where I worked back then. It was way too surreal and heart wrenching. Especially for someone who doesn’t even know if she wants to go through this all again.

I suspect I’ll get a phone call tomorrow morning (or maybe even tonight) with negative results. They’ll offer to call in a prescription for some progesterone to kick start my period. Do I want to investigate what’s going on with my body and go in for CD3 bloodwork? Or just let sleeping dogs lie and deal with the unpredictability of my body?

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you’re getting fat and maybe it’s been raining too long, you’re just sad that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
Paul Varjak: Sure.
Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany’s. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that’d make me feel like Tiffany’s, then – then I’d buy some furniture and give the cat a name!

I’m in the throws of the mean reds right now. Anxiety without really knowing why. Or maybe knowing why but not really sure how to fix it. I’m floundering and I have no direction. Everything is a work in progress but there isn’t any progress being made.

1. Today is St. Nicholas day. The kids were delighted with their present filled shoes this morning. The umbrellas were the run away hit. I’m certain that means the rain is all going to stop.
2. I’m burned out. On everything. Yes, it might be the time of year or the gloomy weather we’ve been having but I’m tired, I feel like I’m without direction and I don’t know what to do about it.
3. I have mixed emotions about Christmas this year. We’re not traveling (yay!) but we’ll be spending our first holiday without any other family (boo!). I want to start some kind of family tradition but I’m not exactly sure what to do yet.
4. I’m still overthinking baby #3. I’m obsessed. I need to accept that there isn’t a right/wrong answer and a decision date is static. And I can change my mind. This is hard for me.
5. Finn is seriously the cutest guy ever. His belly is delicious and he’s at that age where everything that comes out of his mouth is hilarious. He’s still in full on separation anxiety mode and that’s hard. We had a good week of school drop offs and a good morning today but it comes and goes.
6. Audrey is waffling between utter sweetness and demonic possession. Almost 4 is hard, y’all! She is in turn so empathetic, helpful, selfish and deaf. I love how she loves but man, her stubbornness is a killer.
7. There’s some exciting house possibility stuff on the horizon that I’ll write more about later.
8. Nana and Bapi were here for Thanksgiving. I love how the kids just pick right up with them as if it hasn’t been months since we last saw them. I know it makes them feel good too. We had a wonderful visit of building bears, going to the zoo, farmer’s market and general hanging out. Todd and I even got a date night out of the deal!
9. I want to go back to Disney. We got our photopass CD in the mail last week and I can’t help but long for another visit. I still need to write about the trip. Soon?
10. Finn is 2! Another post I need to get to. The firetruck party was a blast for him. I can’t believe he’s 2. The days are long but the years fly by, no?

1. I want to document more. I haven’t been keeping up with the kids’ baby books. I want to learn to use my camera better. I’ve taken a class on the photography bit of my resolution and it’s making more sense to me but I’m struggling. It’s not clicking (ha ha) yet but I’m hoping with practice (and a new lens) that it comes together soon. I got down Audrey’s book yesterday and wrote a few things. I’m collecting photos and artwork. I’m doing it.

2. Like everyone, I want to get in better shape. This past year has been BAD. I weigh more than I ever have and feel awful about myself. I’m taking my first Modern Fit class tomorrow night – I’m nervous and excited. 10 years ago I would have rocked this class, no problem. My body isn’t anywhere near where it used to be but I hope it’s a step in the right direction.

3. Simplification. Our house is a disaster right now. The post birthday-Christmas-birthday fallout is upon us and there are toys and crafts and dress up clothes as far as the eye can see. That’s not counting the adult clutter which is also taking up a lot of space. I want the clutter gone. I want the things and people in our lives to be meaningful. This is hard.