Sunday, February 19, 2017

I know that sounds weird. And honestly, most of the time when people write a little too much about “rocking the solo life,” I think they’re a) not
being truthful and b) trying to make it look like they’re really okay when they're not so sure. Maybe
I’ve made it to a deeper level of delusion that I’m not writing from that place,
but I don’t think that’s the case this time.

After all, I am pro-together, pro-relationship,
pro-community, pro-love. I deeply believe faith and life are team sports. Life
is better lived together. This post is not at all an ode to being “Miss
Independent.” And yet, today, I’m going to say something seemingly contrary.

I take myself out for dinner (or lunch or coffee) sometimes
and I think you should too.

I’ll let you in on a little secret: as great as my life is, I
have an ongoing struggle with not feeling picked or being wanted. It’s my most familiar
wound and my favorite lie to battle. My history is riddled with supposed proofs
that affirm this wound when the battle rages on a given day.

I know I’m not alone in this wound. Many people, regardless
of relationship status, experience this ache. I would even say that sometimes
it feels bigger when dating or married because it’s not expected. This is one
of the devil’s favorite tactics for us. He can trick us into a plethora
of different sins when we feel the need to prove our value or numb the feeling
of being unwanted.

Because of this particular wound, my heart and mind can get a
bit wonky during a time of the year made for pairs.

My BFF, Katy, knows this about me very well. I was woken on Tuesday
with a text from her to help affirm my heart.
“Happy Valentine’s Day, girl! You are so loved!!”

I loved hearing from her and starting my day that way. It helps. We should speak these reminders to each other.
But here’s the thing: this year, I knew it already.
Not just knew it, but believed it.
Not just believed it, but was living in it.

Perhaps it’s from more consistent time in Scripture in my
recent weeks and months. Maybe it’s from taking time to work through my worth
issues with a counselor who faithfully speaks back to me my identity as a
daughter of the Father, whenever I speak a need for validation from
another place. Maybe it’s learning to stop freaking out about being alone, and
realize I’ve never been because of God’s incredible promise to be with me until
the very end of the age.

Maybe it’s that I’ve begun seeing times by myself not as a
last resort and proof that nobody wants me, but a divine appointment that Jesus
has arranged to just be with me.

I actually considered my regular strategy of inviting a bunch
of people to do something for Valentine’s, so we’re all busy being awesome instead
of alone. I knew, though, at this particular time, that would’ve been proof of
my need to prove my “okay-ness” with activity and people. And honestly, had it
been a week earlier when I was feeling rattled with rejection, this may not
have been the case.

Whatever the reason, Valentine’s Day was SO different this
year.

I went to sleep the night before, prepping my heart for
newsfeeds full of gushy posts and pictures of perfect dates and thoughtful
gifts. Comparison is the thief of joy, ya know, Shel. Then this peace settled
in over me and I thought with a smile:

“Jesus, I’m so excited to get up and spend Valentine’s Day
with you. You’re just the best at love. I can’t wait to see what you have
planned for us.”

Guys. I know that sounds so cheesy and fluffy, maybe a little
disingenuous, and all kinds of #Jesusismyboyfriend ish. I’m totally aware. But
I’m serious. It was real.

I texted Katy back with my delight to just be loved perfectly
by the Lord for the day. I’m praying that this would be an everyday thing. To
get up and be loved by Jesus, inviting him into every moment and step of this
day’s adventure; that rejection and fear and loneliness would be defeated.

Because here’s the thing: I’ve woken up way too many days
desperately wanting to be wanted while feeling the exact opposite. I've had so many days where I've straight up told Jesus in my thoughts and actions that He and His love are not enough for me and I demand more.

When we
don’t believe that we are fully loved to the brim in Jesus and that He's what our heart truly needs, we beg, borrow,
steal, coerce, guilt, manipulate, pressure, and burn ourselves out to be loved.
When we don’t believe that we’re enough—that God deeply wants us just where we
are, how we are--we begin a path of proving and demanding.

We expect others to fill a place of love and identity that
they simply cannot.

We live in a place of fragility, looking to the incomplete
efforts of others to tell us who we are and what we’re worth. They feel beat up
and we feel devastated.

Friends, this is dangerous for us, no matter our romantic situation.

No person should be in charge of giving us our worth. Jesus
has already done it. Even in our most ragged and hot mess days, our worth
remains because the cross was accomplished.

Time spent solo, (not device-dependent time, mind you)
teaches us we’re okay. We get to talk to the One who made us, who never tires
of hearing about our day, who delights in creating moments, appointments, and surprises
for us to experience together, who will never waiver or be fickle, who will
only speak truth and life and freedom to us.

So I took myself to dinner and sat by the window with a book
at one of my favorite cafes. I watched as couples rushed past, others with gym
bags, and men with bundles of flowers. I got some curious glances and I fought the
urge to just sit there hidden in my phone, but I was okay. I was great, really.

Because I knew I wasn’t alone. Though it may not have looked
like it from the outside, I was fully wanted in that moment. A moment for time
with the One who called me “beloved” first and always.

When we can just simply be loved in the times that feel like
the exact opposite, it strengthens our heart with truth. It creates space in us
for grace.

If I trust I’m loved and can be content in it here, as one
sitting at a table with two chairs, it will be easier for me to be loved and
content in relationships with fallible people.

I will be better in relationships for having been alone with
Jesus. I will be set free more and more from needing to be completed by someone
else, and therefore be freed to love and enjoy them well. I will be less
inclined to stress and overwork if I know that who I am doesn’t depend on what
I’ve accomplished. I will be less weird and manipulative, if I trust I’m worthy
of being loved regardless of who wants to be with me on a given day. I will be less likely to hold relational hostages by withholding the love I feel I haven't received because of what I have already received in Christ.

Time spent away with Jesus fills and anchors me, so I’m less
rocked by the fickle. I’m more able to set people free with how I love them,
instead of trying to trick them into loving me back. I’m able to persist
through the sting of rejection because I know I’m fully and deeply chosen by
the Best of the best.

This isn’t a recipe or invitation for one-way relationships
or being insulated from hurts. However, when we find security in the One who
can offer it perfectly, we’re set free to love well, whether or not it’s
reciprocated. Since I’m not longer a slave to winning people over, I am no
longer roping myself into unhealthy relationships and I can give life and grace
to those who do choose me.

Life and love are so beautiful, y’all.

Dating, single, married, divorced, or otherwise, spend some time
away with the One who made it and made you. Be reminded of and solidified in
your place as His beloved. Let that fill and steady you. Let it heal you. Let
it set you free as you love others well.

A note from Shelly...

Doesn't it seem like we're always waiting for or looking forward to something? "I can't wait until..." or "when this happens, everything will be great." I've spent the last few years learning that life doesn't wait for a wedding, a career, or anything else to begin. Waiting for anything can be difficult, but God's purposes for you have already begun. Your future spouse, graduation, or the job of your dreams might be just around the corner, but there is much to see, much to do, and much to learn IN THE MEANTIME. You're rarely alone sitting in a waiting room. Welcome.