Dysfunctional relationships

1. Take full responsibility. Whatever your reason for breaking up, don’t blame your partner. Remember, it’s your needs and desires that aren’t being met. That’s your problem. Also, remember that it’s not possible for your partner to feel fulfilled if your needs in the relationship aren’t being met.
2. Thank the person. Be gracious. Part ways respectfully. Try to clear up unresolved issues, but don’t prolong the conversation. If the person is angry, don’t argue with him or her. It’s better not to communicate.
3. Be very clear. Be considerate of the person’s feelings, but don’t back down. It’s easy to be misunderstood when you’re trying to be compassionate. You need to clearly state that you’re breaking up. You may want to say something like: “Don’t mistake this conversation. I am moving on.” And don’t promise to stay in touch, remain friends, or offer to see each other “down the road.” This leads to false hopes. If you would like to remain friends with the person, give him or her and yourself enough space to grieve. You need to be apart for a while.
4. Keep your friends out of it. Don’t tell friends, family or co-workers before you break up. After you break up, say as little as possible about the details. While it may be important to confide in friends and gain support, remember that this is a private issue between you and your partner.
5. Don’t put off your breakup until the right time. Break up when you make the decision. Waiting makes it more difficult for both of you. If you’re afraid of how your partner will react, break up in a public place. Arrange to have your partner meet you to discuss your relationship. Don’t arrive or leave together.
6. Don’t break up on a special day. Breaking up with a lover on his birthday, your anniversary, Valentine’s Day or any other significant day is cruel. You’ll needlessly ruin that day for your ex for long time, maybe forever.
7. Don’t break up in stages. If you’re in an exclusive relationship, don’t try distancing yourself by suggesting that you should see other people, or by not answering the phone. This will cause both of you more pain. Think of it this way: It hurts less when you rip the Band-Aid off rather than pull it off slowly.
8. Be tactful about getting personal items back. Remove personal items from your lover’s place before you break up. It’s more difficult to retrieve them after a breakup. If your lover has personal items at your place, pack them up and have them ready to hand to him or her, or offer to send them. http://alicerelasionship.blogspot.com/2004_09_12_archive.html

There are many persons ready to do what is right because in their hearts they know it is right. But they hesitate, waiting for the other fellow to make the make the first move… and he, in turn, waits for you. Marian Anderson

Usually adult males who are unable to make emotional connections with the women they choose to be intimate with are frozen in time, unable to allow themselves to love for fear that the loved one will abandon them. If the first woman they passionately loved, the mother, was not true to her bond of love, then how can they trust that their partner will be true to love. Often in their adult relationships these men act out again and again to test their partner’s love. While the rejected adolescent boy imagines that he can no longer receive his mother’s love because he is not worthy, as a grown man he may act out in ways that are unworthy and yet demand of the woman in his life that she offer him unconditional love. This testing does not heal the wound of the past, it merely reenacts it, for ultimately the woman will become weary of being tested and end the relationship, thus reenacting the abandonment. This drama confirms for many men that they cannot put their trust in love. They decide that it is better to put their faith in being powerful, in being dominant. Bell Hooks

Sometimes we have to behave indifferent towards people who proclaim their love for us, just to see if they are really different.Michael Bassey Johnson

Out of all the emotional vampires out there, being in relationships with emotionally unavailable people is the worst. Despite what some think, emotional distant people don’t always come across that way—at least, not at first. Indeed, many of them are fans of self-help or members of the mind and body community and on the surface appear to be emotionally available people. They often show great moments of tenderness and intimacy. For the people who end up falling in love with them, that is what lures them in and why they stay. Those moments do not last long. You may be in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable individual if: 1. There’s a tendency to have relationships with people who are physically unavailable. Many emotionally unavailable people have a history of long-distance relationships or a habit of falling in love with people they have known for only short periods of time. (Think of the classic, “I met the girl/guy of my dreams on vacation.”) The fact that the person they long for is out of reach is often the spark that keeps the relationship going. However, once they get them—say, the person moves closer to be with them—the relationships tend to quickly fizzle out. It’s easy to “love” someone we don’t know a lot about. It’s easier not to have to deal with those quirks and faults on a daily basis which over time may end up bothering us. For the emotionally unavailable, there is the added benefit that they can have some of the perks of a relationship without actually having to be around them most of the time. There is literally distance between them. From a post by Kimberly Loon http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/02/3-signs-of-an-emotional-unavailable-person/

In the end, I’ll regret all the chances I didn’t take with you. I’ll regret all the moments I let slip by. I’ll regret all the times I hid my feelings from you. And in end, my biggest regret was losing you. Mahmoud El Hallab

If you’re in a codependent relationship with a controlling or needy woman, you might find that the relationship is especially restrictive. Some common traits of these relationships include:

You have to always let her know where you are

When you’re out, you have to speak on the phone multiple times a day

You are discouraged from keeping female friends

She takes an active dislike of some of your friends and/or family, and feels offended that you would have them as part of your life

She attempts to control your internet usage, or monitors your email and other online communications (Facebook, etc.)

She shows excessive jealousy

She has difficulty letting petty issues go, and insists that you both talk about them at length

She mistrusts you and casts a suspicious eye, even if you’ve done nothing wrong

She’s often critical of your behavior

You find yourself often “walking on eggshells” around her

Your friends tell you that you shouldn’t put up with her, but you feel the need to stay

You can’t speak your mind because you’re too afraid of how she’ll react

You’ve considered breaking up for a long time, but you don’t want to break her heart

You feel that she may not be able to live without you, or you’ve tried to break up and she threatened drastic action (quitting her job, hurting herself, etc.)

These are just a few possible indicators of a codependent relationship, and by no means is an exhaustive list. Relationships should be places of comfort and acceptance, and they should be avenues to expanding your horizons, not restricting them. Relationships should add joy to one’s life, and though they often hit rough patches, a relationship shouldn’t be a constant burden. Codependent relationships can be so stressful and restrictive that the men involved often reach a boiling point, blowing-up at their partner. It’s like a release valve, and after the pressure dissipates a bit, they fall right back into the pattern. By Michael S. Freeman http://ezinearticles.com/?Men,-Are-You-in-a-Codependent-Relationship-With-a-Needy,-Controlling,-Or-Emotionally-Volatile-Woman?&id=2220700

Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember. Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

Codependence is a combination of four personality characteristics that ultimately result in a great deal of frustration and powerlessness…insecurity, dependence, other-centeredness and being too passive. In their heart of hearts Codependents have very low self-esteem and they lack confidence. Self-assured, confident, controlling people tie Codependents in knots. Codependents usually haven’t experienced enough sense of mastery in their lives to give them a life-long sense of competency and strength. They are lost and confused. They are looking for someone to give them direction. They just haven’t quite found their true place in the world yet. Instead of fulfilling their true destiny they are usually following an even more confused (person) around more living in his world than living in a world of their own making. They are usually in the wrong place, with the wrong person, at the wrong time for the wrong reasons. When a Codependent starts a romantic relationship they tend to put too many eggs in that one basket. They invest their whole lives in a guy (woman) who ultimately turns out to be an addict, a betrayer, a little boy, a rager, a controller, weak, lost, little, and otherwise not coming as originally advertised. Early on the Codependent is way too emotionally dependent way too quickly. They know who they like. Before too many years go by Codependents learn that the relationship they have arranged for themselves does not include a whole lot of goodies for them. Prince (Princess) charming who put the full court press on to secure her generally is only interested in her these days to try to extract some sex… He (She) is too busy and important to take the time and energy to really get to know her (him) on an intimate and daily basis. That simply isn’t who he (she) is. From an article by Mark Smith http://www.familytreecounseling.com/fullarticle.php?aID=278

There are only two possibilities why you’re disappointed: wrong person or wrong expectation.Bernajoy Vaal

There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions. However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem-solving developed by family rules. One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress. Maladaptive means an inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met. Compulsive means acting in a way that goes against one’s conscious desires in which to behave. As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in “toxic relationships“, in other words with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment. Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship. Generally, if you’re feeling unfulfilled consistently in relationships, you tend to be indirect, don’t assert yourself when you have a need, if you’re able to recognize you don’t play as much as others. http://reconciliationinc.com/individual-family-counseling/screenings-and-assessments/codependency/

… about people and problems doesn’t help. It doesn’t solve problems, it doesn’t help other people, and it doesn’t help us. It is wasted energy.

No one factor is thought to cause sexual addiction, but there is thought to be biological, psychological, and social factors that contribute to the development of these disorders. For example, the intoxication associated with sexual addiction is thought to be the result of changes in certain areas and chemicals in the brain that are elicited by the compulsion. Research differs somewhat in terms of gender-based patterns of sexual addiction. For example, some studies describe males who are introverted and highly educated as more inclined to develop an Internet addiction, including sexual Internet addiction. Other studies indicate that middle-aged women using home computers were more at risk for Internet sexual addiction. Psychological risk factors for sexual addiction are thought to include depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive tendencies. The presence of a learning disability increases the risk of developing a sex addiction as well. As people with a history of suffering from any addiction are at risk for developing another addiction, being dependent on something else makes it more likely for sexual addiction to occur. Sufferers of these disorders tend to be socially isolated and have personality traits like insecurity, impulsivity, compulsive behaviors, trouble with relationship stability and intimacy, low ability to tolerate frustration, and a tendency to have trouble coping with emotions. People who are sexually abused are at somewhat higher risk of developing a sexual addiction. By Roxanne Dryden-Edwards, MD and Melissa Conrad Stöppler, MD http://www.medicinenet.com/sexual_addiction/page2.htm#what_are_causes_and_risk_factors_for_sexual_addiction

Just as a heroin addict chases a substance-induced high, sex addicts are bingeing on chemicals — in this case, their own hormones. Alexandra Katehakis