Wogan to form interim Irish Government

Against a backdrop of discord, veteran broadcaster Terry Wogan, who dearly loves the 'old country', has agreed to take over running it for a while as that nation's politicians sort themselves out.

With a mixture of easy banter and sparklingly persuasive twinkly eyes, not to mention getting paid handsomely for charitable appearances, Wogan has all the credentials needed to make him a popular temporary Taoiseach, and with Eli O'Pace in the crucial, lyrical, whimsical yet professional role of home secretary, the prospects of a new, reinvigorated Ireland seem secure until at least 12 noon a fortnight on Sunday when they'll all break for lunch.

Wogan will also be taking on the foreign affairs portfolio himself citing years of experience with those overseas through Eurovision where his inciteful pronouncements on 'what they're up to' have largely proved to be spot on. He does concede however that Ireland does not expect to win that particular European popularity contest, or for that matter any other, at least for the foreseeable future.

Janet and John will jointly take on the portfolio of environmental affairs. John has already briefed Janet on how it is sometimes extremely environmentally important to stick your finger in a dyke, and Janet has found that environmentally friendly wind turbines continue to produce energy even when John is strapped to one of the blades.

'It's time to forget the past and move on,' said Wogan, 93, 'which is why I'll shortly be handing everything over to Chris O'Evans most mornings - lovely fella - and he'll even be taking over fiscal policy from Gay Byrne, as Gaybo gets very tired come Friday evening. After we've sorted out a few things the Irish people, God bless 'em, can go to the polls and elect replacements who are better than the government that's just left. But frankly, with the standard that they set, my bet's on Dustin the Turkey making a reappearance any time now."

Brilliant. Considering his banking background he might know more about finances than the whole government together anyhow. following his series obout Ireland on the beep it is timely as well. have stars