Tuesday, September 18, 2012

A lot of not so good moments going on in my life right now. I keep trying to think of what is still good and still smile, but its getting more difficult every day. My kids are what is keeping me going. If it wasn't for them, I probably would have run away somewhere. There are bad moments happening around me as well as to me and I just feel like I'm in a dark hole. I don't really want to do anything anymore. I want to stay home and cuddle with my babies. That's all I want to do. That's all that's keeping me happy right now. I don't want to go to work. That place has become almost unbearable to be at. I don't want to be at home, but I don't want to not be at home. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to be around anyone. I haven't even gotten to really cry and just let my emotions out yet. I think if I at least did that, part of me would feel better. Maybe one day I'll put everything up here. I doubt it. Things I don't even want to think about anymore. I have plans... I'll be ok... in the long run. Its just, I'm not sure what to do now. I don't know how to handle this by myself, but I have to. There really are not other options.

The weather is rainy today. Matches my mood. Gloomy. Lilly's supposed to have a game today, but I doubt it'll go on. They'll cancel due to rain, but I won't get the phone call until its too late. I'm leaving early today because there's a game scheduled, but I won't get the call until probably on my way to the field.

Zach used the potty at day care yesterday. I bought pull ups so I can work with him more over the weekends. Hopefully by Christmas we'll be completely out of diapers and only using a night time pull up. That's what I'm hoping for. He'll be 2 in January. I can't believe it. My babies keep growing up on me. It makes me sad and happy and proud all the same time.

Going to see Mom Sunday. I'm going to bake them my awesome pizza casserole and make a fruit salad. I really want to see Donavan. He's been down in the dumps lately and I just want to make sure he's ok. I still feel like I'm supposed to take care of him.

I wish I had more vacation time at work. I'd leave today and just crawl back into bed. I'm taking my vacation week on the last week of the year. Taking Black Friday off, and the Thursday before Thanksgiving off. I only have 2 more days to use and I don't want to use them just because I don't want to be at work. I might need them for when the kids are sick or something. I only have 2 sick days left. Hopefully the day will go by fast. Hopefully things will get better.

These are the times that I wish I was seeing a therapist. Then maybe I'll get the answers that I need. Maybe I'd have the courage to do what needs to be done. I'll be ok, eventually.

EDIT~~~~ Feeling a bit better, but still kinda angry and nothing is resolved. Talked to someone who shed new light on the situation. Not really what I wanted to hear, but it is what it is. If it was what I wanted to hear, it wouldn't have been advice, right? Still depressed about it all. Hopefully time will heal all wounds.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

There's lots of things going on in my life that I don't really want to share on here, but there is something else I want to share that is big deal and has been on my mind for a few days now.

My mom called me the other day telling me that she thinks my littlest brother is suicidal. Hit me like a ton of rocks. He has been depressed lately and he's being picked on in school. Our brothers pick on him too and make him feel stupid. When I had them down to my house a couple weeks ago, they were picking on him and he got depressed. I yelled at hubby for being one of the ones who was picking on him. I was normal, trying to make him feel normal. I even asked him for help in the kitchen and he seemed to enjoy it. Mom said that he said that he did have fun at my house, but the guys there were making him feel stupid. At school he is made fun of for his weight. I've been trying to think of ways to help him and I told Mom that I hated that I lived too far away to be there for him every day and try to help out. Mom said that she understands that I feel like a mother to my brothers, but its her turn to step up and be the mom. I'm still thinking of ways to help him. I told Mom to tell him to call me anytime or Facebook me whenever he can. I'm thinking of ways to help him lose weight too. I'm going to take my scale down there every time I go and we are going to have a competition on who can lose the most weight. He is a competitive person, so maybe this will help. I have the kind of scale that will remember your weight and tell you how much you gained or lost. I'm also going to bring him my set of weights and then next time I go back, I'll give him something else to work out with and we'll keep trading off. I'm going to go buy him some belts to help encourage him to lose weight. This way he doesn't have to worry about how he's going to get new jeans, he can wear a belt. I'm also planning some bowling time in the future, maybe around his birthday I'll take him out for bowling and yogurt. Mom also said that the brother that he used to be really close to is being a total jerk to him now. He puts him down and yells at him all the time and wants nothing to do with him. Next time I see him... there's gonna be some yelling. He's been in Donavan's shoes, he knows what it feels like, I don't understand why he's acting like this. Mom made Donavan an appointment to go talk to a psychiatrist today and she's supposed to call me afterwards to tell me how it went.

Donavan has been on my mind for days and I hate that I'm not there for him like I should be. I won't be able to go down until the 23, so hopefully I'll have more things planned by then. I'm thinking about cooking for them when I go down too. Something healthy and cheap, and show him how to fix it.

Anywho... Lilly lost her 3rd baby tooth on Tuesday. Its the front top, so now she has kind of a lisp and can whistle through her teeth. She had a ball game that day too and her team won 13-5. Lilly made 2 points and only got out once. She has another game this Saturday. She's also doing very well in school. A's on almost everything. 100% on her last spelling test and I'm expecting the same thing out of the next. We studied hard. She goes to her father's today. She wasn't very happy about that. I've had her for 2 weeks because he couldn't/wouldn't take her to her ball game that got canceled anyway or the birthday party. Another one of her friends is having a birthday party on the 6th and so is hubby's niece.

Still don't have anything else unpacked or pictures hung on the wall. Its been so busy and yesterday I had a migraine when I got home. One of these days I'll get to it. Been trying to think of things that I can put in my yardsale that I'm going to have in the spring and things that I am going to sell on one of the Facebook yardsales. What I sale on Facebook will go towards this years Christmas. OH, I've been planning away and trying to save money, but I just keep spending it already. I already went and bought some stuff for Lilly to put back for Christmas. The biggest thing is having to save for Hubby's gift because its expensive and he's not going to know about it. He can buy stuff for the kids, but not himself.

Ok.... that's enough Christmas talk. I guess I'm finally going to take my required lunch now. Oh, yea... we can't get over time and we are required to clock out and take a lunch every day. I'm not going to get my 40 hours in this week because I've been leaving early every day for ball or doctor appts. Hopefully I'll get a job offer soon. I've applied to an office close to home, an office further away from home than where I work now and the American Heart Association as an assistant, but I have yet to map it to see where this office is. Fingers crossed someone will call!

Monday, September 10, 2012

I didn't get anything done with the house this weekend. Lilly was supposed to have a game and we were going to go to the 'farm' for a cookout and stuff, but it rained. Her game got canceled and the cookout got canceled because hubby's uncle was in the hospital. Everything is fine. He's fine. He wasn't taking his blood pressure medicine and was feeling weird. Sunday, we took Lilly to a birthday/pool party. She had a blast. Other than that, we didn't really do much. Hubby and Lilly worked on sanding and painting some shelves to go in her room. I put up a few Halloween decorations. I tried to clean, but failed. I got laundry done, but not put up. I loaded and ran the dishwasher, but didn't wash any big pots and pans. I attempted to go through my things in the basement that I got out of the storage building, but the kids wouldn't stop fighting while we were down there, so I stopped and made them sit in a corner for a while. I'm trying to find pictures to hang up, Halloween decorations to put up, start separating things for a yard sale and getting things cleaned up. I'm going to wash all the clothes and clean off all the toys. I have my work cut out for me.

I'm also getting very excited about Christmas. I'm already planning for it. I've started my list of things that I want to buy and started trying to save money. I'm not very successful at saving the money since work cut out my over time and now my pay checks barely cover day care costs. I'm still searching for another job, but nothing new has popped up. Part of me wants to go get certified to run an in-home day care. But then... my house would always be a mess and we wouldn't have health insurance. But I'd get to stay home with my kids and they'd still get to play with other kids and I wouldn't have to pay day care costs anymore. But... we'd have no health insurance...that's the biggie. And then what would I do with my own kids if one of them was sick or what if hubby was sick and had to stay home.... so many things to consider.

Anyway... back to Christmas. I'm thinking about getting hubby a PS Vita. Of course this would be one of my Black Friday purchases since its so expensive and I'm hoping to catch it on a good sale. I want to get the kids a swing set, but I have to talk to hubby about that. Zach's big gift is going to be a wagon and Lilly's is going to be a CD player for her room. Then there's the Pillow Pet nightlights for both of them, a sit and spin for Zach, one of those big dolls for Lilly, some books for both of them and of course clothes. I don't know about my brothers yet, but I'll probably end up getting them a shirt again. I don't know. My mind will change a hundred times between now and then. But I'm so excited about it. Already. Yeah, I know. Its only September. We still have to make it through Halloween. I'm still excited about Halloween, but I don't get to take Lilly trick-or-treating this year. We'll have Zach. At least I get to go out and I'm not sitting on my porch watching all the cute little kids run around while I'm sad because I'm without Lilly. I wonder what she'll be this year. I don't know what we are going to dress Zach as yet. Last year they were both fire fighters.

Ok.. so I can ramble on and on about nothing. Its just, when I get something in my head, that's all I think about. Christmas just happened to pop in my head right around Friday, and that's all that I can think about anymore. What should I get the kids? Where will we put the tree this year? What do I have room for? Do I really want to spend $300 on hubby 2 years in a row? What should I tell people we want for the house for Christmas? So many things that I can't stop thinking about.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Friday, September 7, 2012

Zach's sleeping is getting a little better....sometimes. He's on his way to sleeping all night every night. I hope it happens soon. I'm enjoying my sleep. He won't go to sleep as early as he used to. I used to have him down at 8:00, but he just won't stop anymore. Its usually a little after 9 before he goes to sleep now. Last night, he only woke up once. The night before that, every 2 hours. Every now and then he'll sleep through the night. Most times, he only wakes once now. A couple times last week, he was up all night, but I think he was having problems with a tooth coming in. So, I'm getting a bit more sleep now.

I still don't have all the essentials unpacked. I do, but I don't. I don't have any decorations up or pictures on the walls. There's still boxes piled in my closet and my stuff from my storage building stacked in the basement. I'm trying so hard to get this house to feel like home, but its so hard. Between work and ball and the daily cleanings of the house, I'm not getting anything done. This weekend is crazy busy too. Lilly has a ball game at noon tomorrow and right after that we are going to the 'farm' for a cookout, fishing, clay shooting and fireworks. We'll get home super late. We usually stay and camp out, but we're not this year. Sunday, I'm making a run to my grandma's house since we haven't seen them in a while and right after that, Lilly's going to a birthday/pool party. We probably won't get home until 8 or after. One of these days, I'll get the house finished.

I've been crazy busy lately and I actually kinda like it. I don't really get to rest and I haven't gotten any further in my book, but I like having things to do.

I'm even starting to plan and save up for Christmas and I'm getting all excited for Halloween. Too early? Its never too early. We've put up a few Halloween decorations. Some window clings in Lilly's room and some things around the house that she's made.

She's doing so well in softball. So much better than in the spring. She's hitting the ball more, catching it more and throwing it better. She seems more excited about it.

I have some pics I want share, but I think I'll save them for this weekend.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I had a long weekend. Saturday my dad came to see my house. He didn't seem to like it too much. I asked him what he thought and he proceeded to tell me about my step brother's new place. Sunday, I don't really remember what I did Sunday. I think I just mostly cleaned and unpacked. The kids helped out. Monday my mom and 3 of my brothers came down and stayed most of the day. I cooked for them and we hung out. We had cake for Seth's birthday a month late. I made the younger boys play volleyball with me and the kids. It was nice. Yesterday the other 2 of my brothers came down and I cooked for them too. Made them play softball with me and Lilly and go for a walk. Zach got his haircut yesterday. I called off yesterday. Zach was being weird Monday night. He cried and whined for 4 hours straight. Then around 10 pm, he was wide awake.

My thoughts are all over the place. I'm sorry if none of this makes any sense. There's a ton on my mind. My foot hurts. I had a thorn in it for a day before I got it out, might be getting infected. Its all red around the spot where I took the thorn out. I got bit or stung on my eyeball. Yeah... my eyeball. It got red, swollen, and itchy. I thought I had a bug in my eye and kept rubbing it which probably made it worse. Today, it still itches and is a bit red and a little swollen. My mom called me yesterday to tell me my cousin's little 4 year old boy has cancer. So many feelings and thoughts with that. I've never really been close to her, but I want to be there for her. She's 8 months pregnant with her 3rd kid. This news made me stop in my tracks and seriously take a look around me. I was home from work with Zach when Mom told me. I grabbed him up and held him and cried. I just can't imagine what they are all going through right now. Please pray for them. My cousin's name is Elisabeth and her boy's name is Jeremiah. 4 years old and has to deal with cancer.