I realize now that my Fire Pro Wrestling jokes from last week’s column may have gone over some of your heads. I apologize for that, and would now like to explain Kelly Kelly’s offense in a more palatable way. In case you don’t watch CHIKARA (and you should), this is Brodie Lee.

And that’s my girlfriend on the far left in the black tanktop, but focus on Brodie Lee. Notice how he literally (literally) kicks Tim Donst’s face off of his body? Not a lot of guys in CHIKARA (especially during the era of CHIKARA featured) hit like that, so when Brodie throws a kick, it really matters. Guys get hit with moonsault armdrags and wrapped up in transitional cradles from World Of Sport and they sell it like death, but then Brodie kicks them in the face and it’s SO MUCH MORE that selling goes out of the window and they are legitimately fighting to maintain consciousness and a working skull.

In the context of Diva World, every move Kelly Kelly does is that Brodie Lee kick to the face. Kelly jumps in and hits a Lou Thesz Press, Brodie Lee kick to the face. She runs over and forearms the Additional Bella, so the Bella helplessly FLIES off the apron. A smack to the ass, a headscissors takedown, a butt rub and a bulldog later and that Bella Twin has suffered five huge yakuza kicks to the brain, putting her somewhere between comatose and legally brain dead. The K-Driller (or whatever she calls it) at the end was just overkill.

In the future I hope Kelly can consider keeping her number of moves performed to two or fewer.

Worst: Look at Eve, Acting Like She Helped

It’s been established that you can beat a Bella Twin with one basic submission hold, so how funny is it to watch Eve struggle in a BELLA TWIN ARMBAR for a minute and a half, then stand around triumphantly after Kelly has done the work and pretend she contributed? Even at the end where she has to run off the Errant Bella, all she can manage is a Sweet Shin Music and an awkward slide out of the ring, followed by wandering. Kelly made it through her portion of the match without having to take a single offensive move.

In this tag team, Kelly Kelly is the Ricky Morton and Eve Torres is the Ricky Morton’s dead friend he’s forgotten about from elementary school.

Best: Wear Pants With “What’s Up” Written Across the Ass in Chalk? DISCOUNT!

R-Truth shouting about car insurance to “Flo” was great, and it got even better when he made the “I just saved a bunch of money by switching to GEICO” joke. Not because of the joke, but because Flo works for Progressive, and based on my knowledge of car insurance commercials I’ve pieced together the narrative.

Flo from Progressive is extremely passionate and helpful about insurance. Progressive offers a service that compares the rates of other top insurance companies to help you find the best deal. Now, Truth was on the phone with Flo. He was all YOU CAIN’T HELP ME, YOU CAIN’T HELP ME FLO, THIS A CONSPIRACY, but eventually she (on the other end of the phone) relents, and by the time Scott Stanford shows up Truth is all YOU CAN HELP ME FLO, NOW THAT’S WHAT’S UP. Moments later, he mentions saving money and switching to GEICO.

So, Truth called Progressive to get a good rate, got a high one for being an at-risk driver, and Flo found out he could actually save money by going with GEICO’s offer. Who says wrestling doesn’t make sense?

I just wish they’d followed it up by having Alberto Del Rio mention that unicorns and glitter are his destiny.

Poopin’ pinned Knobbs after Hart accidentally hit Knobbs with a steel chair. Knobbs was then hit with a kendo stick by Hardcore Poopin’.

After the match, Hugh Morrus came out and attacked Hardcore Poopin’.

07.05.11 at 3:20 pm

Greene

I kept expecting Truth’s phone call to turn into “You gonna look out for ME, Flo? You mean it? You gonna look out for me? You promise?”

Also, I liked the Cena/McMahon ending, and totally agree on Vince’s facial selling. Gold. But I still guaran(damn)tee that Cena is not losing the title between now and Rockamania 28.

07.05.11 at 3:24 pm

Ragingape

I can’t really agree with you about Punk. Just because he’s a dick on TV doesn’t mean he can say whatever he wants and we can write it off. He understands this too, which is why he apologized. I forgive him, it was a heat of the moment thing, and we can move on.

Good writeup as usual. Seemed like kind of a downer show to follow all the hype they got over the week.

07.05.11 at 3:32 pm

Doctor Awesomus

Ooh, that Fair to Flair link has some good stuff on it.

/worked shoot

07.05.11 at 3:36 pm

Carrie

I laughed out loud at the description of NXT. Got fingers crossed for some quality DBsquared action.

And yeah, I’m not sure I agree about the Punk insults. Glad he has apologised.

07.05.11 at 3:40 pm

Patrick

I am now a Derrick Bateman fan.

07.05.11 at 3:41 pm

Stu Finkle

Only through 2 pages and I’m having trouble breathing! #laughingsoharditsmakingmecough #Raw #Hashtag

07.05.11 at 3:42 pm

Brandon

Regarding the Punk stuff, I guess I didn’t phrase it clearly enough. I don’t support anybody calling anybody a homo, and I’m glad he’s apologized, too.

07.05.11 at 3:46 pm

Brandon

Added on a disclaimer for clarification.

07.05.11 at 3:48 pm

Simon

The best part of the double-date video is that there’s absolutely no effort made to pretend that they’re not in the locker room.

The second best part is “NO, MY PANTS”

07.05.11 at 3:48 pm

Thatsamare

I actually liked the closing segment, but, I am still confused as to why Cena would give a shit to not fighting Punk, especially after they crowned a new #1 contender.

Is it just me, or are the WWE bookers playing Raw vs Smackdown 2005 too much? Two fighters fighting every week does not necessarily mean that the crowds interest levels are going to increase.

I think they should get rid of Eve and hire a couple more hot Latina divas and a red head to give the Diva division more diversity.

Fire Jerry Lawler. That is all

07.05.11 at 3:58 pm

Brian G.

Simon beat me to the inherent fakeness of the “restaurant.” I missed that episode of NXT, so that was a nice surprise. I personally liked how proud he was of his wrestling boots.

If Zack really were the second coming of Jericho you’d think he’d have already turned #ryderorriot into some kind of underground video package pieced together from YouTube clips and fancy WWE production values all leading up to a literal Ryder Riot.

07.05.11 at 3:59 pm

Patrick

Oh, god, yes, I’ve been toying with that same Punk fantasy booking. Spend a month in NJPW, try to unify the title with Hiroshi Tanahashi before Cena runs in for the DQ. Have Cena beat Togi Makabe or whomever for the #1 contendership and try to win the title overseas so he can be welcomed back by Vince McMahon into the WWE and America with the belt on his shoulder.

That fulfills the promise Cena made earlier in the year that his and Rock’s match will be for the WWE Championship. Rock beats him for it, then at the Backlash equivalent Alberto Del Rio makes Rocky tap in the cross armbreaker to start his reign.

Just kidding, Rocky will never do something not masturbatory.

07.05.11 at 4:05 pm

Dodger Dave

“Cena gets fired if he loses” stipulation made this match less exciting, because immediately I thought about the last time Cena got “fired”. Instead of heading into MITB with a “unpredictable” match, we end up with the stereotypical Cena match. 1 week ago, I was ready to order the PPV, now I’m rethinking about it.

07.05.11 at 4:19 pm

Vince

If Green Ant is Lex Luger circa 93 does that make Fire Ant Bret Hart?

07.05.11 at 4:27 pm

Brian G.

Since they’re driving home the “every person who’s ever cashed one in has won” angle, the best case on the main event is Punk winning, then fending off a MitB cash-in successfully, right?

07.05.11 at 4:38 pm

Brandon

@Brian G – That would be so wonderful, yes.

07.05.11 at 4:40 pm

blech

DVDVR is a board where out-of-touch 40 year old men take wrestling too seriously. Something Awful’s wrestling forum is a bunch of children paying ten dollars to discuss wrestling even though most of them clearly don’t understand it.

07.05.11 at 4:54 pm

Brandon

@blech – I’m stuck somewhere in the middle of those two things, so I enjoy big chunks of each. Of course there are jerks ruining it for everybody on any message board.

07.05.11 at 4:41 pm

PKSandman

Vince, considering that one of Fire Ant’s themes was “You Start the Fire”, the answer is yes. Yes, it does.

07.05.11 at 5:28 pm

blech

Try The Real TSM.

07.05.11 at 6:50 pm

TH

@Dr. Awesomus

As one of the five contributors to that site, thank you for the props. We all appreciate it.

07.05.11 at 6:52 pm

TH

And obvs., thanks to Brandon for the link as well.

07.05.11 at 7:22 pm

Baollis

Tremedous job as always.youve just made me a bateman fan, I sure.hope he wins wwes got talent or.whatever.that is

07.05.11 at 7:30 pm

Khris

“Either that or he’s up in Heaven somewhere stuck at the top of a ladder, looking down, yelling WHERE THE F**K IS VICKIEEE”

Fucking amazing. Had me laughing out loud like an asshole at several points.

07.05.11 at 7:50 pm

JX

“I’m never okay with birthday party segments (Silkk the Shocker’s birthday on Nitro notwithstanding)”

Wow….Silkk the Shocker doesn’t even get mentioned on RAP forums, much less WRESTLING recaps.

Wayback machine like a motherfucker there.

07.05.11 at 7:56 pm

Destiny Talley

You beat me to the “unicooornns and glitttter” line.

Also, I like the Vince/Cena part. Everyone hates Vince, but he is so fun to watch.

07.05.11 at 11:14 pm

Vince

Somehow your Cena/Punk/Mysterio scenario never occurred to me before which is exactly why this main event is so appealing. There’s a ton of ways it could go and none of them would be bad. ADR cashes in, awesome. Mysterio cashes in, awesome. Cena wins and it’s a MOTY candidate, awesome. (Especially after those awful Miz matches.) Punk wins and takes the title around the indies like it’s the Stanley Cup, awesome.

Someone make a mashup of Evan Bourne talking, stat.

07.06.11 at 12:18 am

Jim

“Sarge’s “everybody makes mistakes” comments were also funny, because he used Evan as an example. “I make mistakes, Evan makes mistakes” and Bourne is just standing there nodding his head like “yeah man, I wrestled Delirious in Cleveland one time, we just did finishers to each other for like 40 minutes, it was the f**king worst”.”

Holy shit, yes.

07.06.11 at 3:26 pm

Mike

Brandon- Do you think the WWE will ever stop having two different rosters for smackdown and raw brand. That approach hasn’t worked in a while, the seperate rosters just arent deep enough. There are only 3 or 4 actual challangers for each title which makes fighting for contention meaningless. If they did combine it would provide extreme depth in the chase for each title especially the IC belt

07.06.11 at 4:21 pm

Dave

Sorry this is a bit late, but as always this was an amazing article. Hilarious, insightful, and really well thought out. I love the part about Vince’s character. I never thought about that part of his persona either, but that really is some good stuff.

I haven’t seen the show yet but the about of Worsts is a bit disheartening after last week’s show, so I might just stick to reading this, which is always more entertaining than the non-Punk sections of the show anyway.

ps. You missed an additional Best for Punk’s stache he has at the moment.