This Aint the Terminator XXX: A 3D Blu Ray Porn Review

After the success of the This Aint The Ghostbusters XXX review I knew I had to do another 3D porn review… but I couldn’t bring myself to commit such self inflicted torture, but here we are. There’s no better time to review This Aint The Terminator XXX in 3D. Sigh.

The movie’s shitty opening is enough to let you know not to expect much of anything. There are some future soldiers in front of some bad CGI background, the one is hurt and the other runs off while the hurt buddy yells for help. Exciting!

The Movie

Many poor life decisions were made.

After some fairly decently well done titles complete with some really on the mark knock off Terminator music we’re treated to an alley set, which is clearly a set, where two dirt bag dudes are about to bang a dirt bag lady. Seriously, it’s a cavalcade of poor decisions. There’s a flash of light and there’s our naked Terminator dude. Apparently, Skynet was supposed to send the Terminator back in time to 2001, because he has some awful tribal tattoos.

So now that the naked Terminator shows up, he’s going to grab their clothes, or at least join in on the sexual congress with the lady, right? No. He just stands there. He stands there doing nothing for the entire scene. It’s really bizarre. This version the Terminator is extremely polite as he waits for these sleaze bags to have dirty alley sex. When they “finish”, The Terminator beats up the two dudes in some really sloppy fight choreography, takes their clothes, and we get to move onto the next scene.

Another convincing set.

The next scene involves the Terminator going to a strip club which happens to be a country western strip club and another very obvious set. The Terminator is there looking for Sarah Connor. How did he know she worked there? No idea. There’s almost no work going into the story.

I’d like to point out that in this scene he’s wearing a replica of the jacket from the first film, not the more iconic leather jacket. Pretty interesting costuming decision. Anyway, he asks around for her and two strippers decide to give him a show… so they go at it while he watches. Again, he’s just sitting there during another really long sex scene. The Terminator is a lot more passive in this flick than any of the previous Terminator films. This stripper sex scene goes on forever. Also, it’s odd that they just start having sex on the stage for no extra cash and nobody throws money at them. Maybe they get paid by the hour at this place. Anyone, uh, know of a strip club like this near me?

Anyway, Sarah Connor the stripper shows up after they strippers wrap it up and immediately starts giving the Terminator a BJ. No hesitation. Just straight up, “Oh you’re looking for me?” Unzip pants and go to town. Again, if anyone knows where there is a strip club like this, let me know. During this scene the Terminator keeps bumping up against the bar and it and the beam that it is connected to keeps moving reminding you just how little money was spent on this film.

After this rather gross scene we cut to Kyle Reese showing up. Oh, he’s the dude from the opening that left his buddy to die. He ends up at the bar where he throws a pipe bomb at the Terminator, presumably killing everyone in the strip club. It’s really hard to tell because it’s a CGI mess. The Terminator isn’t injured at all, but he does change into his leather jacket. That’s something.

Romance!

The Terminator then goes to another Sarah Connor’s house, this time a porn version of a “milf”. And she begins to bang him. Remember, there’s been no dialog to establish exactly what’s happening. You must go by your knowledge of the previous films to even know what’s happening. And even then it’s confusing. Is the Terminator there to kill Sarah Connor? Or simply have sex with her? There’s been no dialog to propel the plot forward. It’s very avant garde in this respect.

After this really long milf sex scene, Kyle Reese shows up with a gun and accidentally shoots this Sarah Connor. OH I get it! Here’s the comedy of this parody… Kyle Reese is a fuck up. It only took an hour into it and there’s some humor. Kyle goes over to another Sarah Connor’s apartment and we start establishing a plot… again an hour into this thing.

This Aint The Terminator XXX is about the exact opposite of This Aint The Ghostbusters XXX. This Aint The Ghostbusters was funny throughout. While its sex scenes were what one would expect and it had some missed opportunities, the non sex stuff was entertaining. Not so with This Aint the Terminator. It takes a full hour of unrelenting and unappealing sex scenes before anything clever happens.

An “action” scene.

Oh and as far as bad acting goes, the actress playing Sarah Connor is terrible at delivering lines. Let’s blame bad direction. Anyway, it’s sort of funny that Kyle Reese just straight up tells her she needs to have sex with him in order to have humanity’s savior (or as he sells it to her, King of Earth). And then when they do have sex he does the regular porn thing of… ah hem… finishing outside her and she says, “That’s not how you make a baby!” Sadly, this amount of dirty humor isn’t enough to save the film.

Looks okay from the waist up.

The Terminator shows up again and Kyle Reese jumps on him with a pipe bomb, explodes, dies, and the Terminator comes back as a CGI endoskeleton with a wang. It never really interacts with Sara Connor. She just presses a button and it’s crushed.

Now I must note that this final scene takes place on a tiny set and there’s the bare minimum of action. It’s like this entire film could have taken place as a stage play in a tiny theater (minus all the hardcore sex).

The 3D

This Aint The Terminator XXX is a good indicator of why 3D porn failed to take off in the U.S. Not only do you have to deal with wearing the glasses while watching a porno, but they don’t do anything with the extra dimension that is noteworthy. Yes, the flick was filmed in 3D, but the actors are just 3 dimensional in a crappy set. There’s really nothing special about it. Throw something gimicky coming out of the screen crap or maybe film part of a scene through a window. There are techniques to make 3D worthwhile, especially in porn. I could think of dozens. Maybe I should buy a 3D camera and show them how it’s done. Or not. Nobody wants to see that.

The Final Judgement

The real shame of this flick is that it could have been funny and featured interesting sex scenes, but the funny only comes in about 20 minutes at the end. Also, it’s really too cheap to act as a proper parody. The majority of the sex scenes aren’t very appealing, the 3D isn’t that fantastic, and there isn’t enough humor to make it worth the watch. Terminate this one with extreme prejudice.