YOU CAN MOAN ABOUT LAZY NATIONAL STEREOTYPING ALL YOU LIKE, BUT DESERTING THE ARMY IS KNOWN AS 'TAKING FRENCH LEAVE' FOR A REASON

Although nine different people have been charged in connection with assorted shenanigans ranging from racially aggravated public disorder to possession of a Class A drug at yesterday's Manchester derby, two people who were there remain conspicuously at large and likely to evade justice. One is the cowardly halfwit who almost took Rio Ferdinand's eye out with a coin thrown from the safety of the crowd, while the other is the cowardly Manchester City midfielder Samir Nasri, whose crime of deserting a defensive wall could only have been more stereotypically French if it turned out he'd actually sparked up a Gauloises after nipping in behind Edin Dzeko to avoid getting hit by the ball.

While thetan thespian Tom Cruise, who was present, may have thought the Manchester City winger had been abducted on behalf of the Galactic Confederacy's alien emperor Xemu, the player's manager seemed under no illusion about what was responsible for his disappearance from the white heat of battle at such a pivotal moment. "If it hits you in the face, it hits you in the face," harrumphed Roberto Mancini, in a withering tone that suggested his player might be getting hit in the face later anyway, albeit not by a football.

Luckily for Nasri, his team-mate Mario Balotelli also shipped some of the blame for Manchester City's defeat, with the Italian's only contribution of note coming in the form of a spectacularly dirty look aimed in the direction of his gaffer as he stormed towards the tunnel after being hooked early in the second half. "When you have a player with Mario's quality, you can't believe that he throws his quality out of the window," said Mancini, a man who is clearly pining for the good old days when the only things being thrown out of the window by his young Italian charge were less expensive objects such as darts and fireworks.

On the subject of throwing things, the former Manchester United midfielder and MUTV presenter Paddy Crerand was involved in a tedious and tetchy exchange on Radio Five Live this morning, after initially failing to understand a question about whether or not Ferdinand might have provoked people into firing missiles by celebrating United's winner within tuppence-chucking range of some City fans.

"He gets struck by a coin that somebody's thrown from about 15 or 20 yards, it's not like he was standing in front of their supporters jumping up and down," said Crerand eventually, neglecting to mention that footballers should be allowed to celebrate last-minute winners wherever they like without fear of being blinded by morons who quite literally have more money than sense. Moments after Ferdinand had been hit by the coin, Joe Hart was on hand to step between the clearly incensed defender and a City-supporting pitch invader, perhaps saving the Manchester United player from doing something that might have earned him the kudos of millions and a lengthy spell on the FA's naughty step. Indeed, if the goalkeeper had moved even a fraction as quickly to block Wayne Rooney's opener, it's safe to say his side might have won the match.

QUOTES OF THE DAY

"My experience as a president is still important, I'm the most successful one in footballing history. We will consider Milan's needs in January. We have to deal with [Nigel] De Jong's injury which is a shame. A present for our fans? We'll see" – Milan president and disgraced former Italian PM, Silvio Berlusconi, does not rule out the prospect of reinforcing the squad in January.

"The idea to cut costs is the only road to take. To lose a player of great quality is never ideal, but that's the way things are" – Barbara Berlusconi, a director at Milan, ignores her old man's ramblings and tells it like it is.

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FIVER LETTERS

"Can I point out that Ashley Young is anything but a 'gravity-deploring winger' (Friday's Fiver)? Surely, if there's any footballer who tends not to deplore gravity, indeed who adores it, wants to hold and marry it, who wants to bring gravity to his frail bosom and thrust urgently downwards into its welcoming embrace, that would be Ashley Young? I recommend 'gravity-fondling winger', or perhaps 'gravity-forming-a-long-and-rewarding-relationship winger'" – Rob Marriott (and 1,056 others).

"Your reference to Arsène Wenger going writing instrument shopping (Friday's Bits and Bobs) falls a bit flat. A Parker? That company owned by Newell Rubbermaid? That's not snazzy. Either go obvious (MontBlanc, Pelikan) or shoot the works with something from Krone. Surely their Abraham Lincoln effort, celebrating the Emancipation Proclamation at a mere $3,900, will be a great gift for Theo Walcott. Perfect for when he's free to sign for Chelsea" – Kevin Hodur.

"Far from being 'non-showering', I would expect Opta Fiver (Friday's Fiver) to be overly fastidious about his grooming habits. Presumably he'd collect data regarding minutes spent in the shower, litres of water used, etc. He probably measures shampoo in precise 15ml doses, and compiles the data in an Excel spreadsheet. Whether this regimen is effective in securing Opta Fiver his ideal midfield partnership, I cannot say. I don't want to sign up to Guardian Soulmates to find out" –Chris Barker.

"Typical Man City. Thinking they can solve all their problems by throwing money at them" – James Lavelle.

Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. And to placate certain readers, the Fiver awards prizeless Fiver letter o' the day to: James Lavelle.

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Mario Balotelli's Mr 15%, Mino Raiola, insists the player will still be at Man City in February. "Absolutely. You can ask me the question another four hundred times and it will always be the same answer," he said, depressingly challenging assorted hacks to something they will do anyway over the next two months.

And Aston Villa boss Paul Lambert wants to keep Shay Given, 78, at the club due to his fantastic Weird Uncle Fiver impression. "The fact Brad [Guzan] has got Shay breathing down his neck, I'm sure is driving him on," parped Lambert.

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Paddy Crerand misses the point in spectacular style and livens up morning radio.