So Much MOA, It Will Make Your Head Explode

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It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

My boyfriend is a registered sex offender on parole for life. He also abused me and never paid child support. Now he is in jail again and his bail is $35,000. He keeps writing me, telling me he will do better and that he loves his family. It’s beeñ 16 years of this. I am 41 and he is 49. Do you think that I should move on? — 16 Years and Counting

Yes.

I am a 25-year-old mother of a 3-year-old son. My boyfriend and I have been together on-and-off for six years. Three years ago I cheated on him once out of loneliness and ended up pregnant. We broke up when I told him. He NEVER told me he cheated months before. I found out this year when I also found out his cheating resulted in baby #4 for him. He only had two when we first met and he was doing what he was doing in the streets (selling).

Long story short, he is in prison for 1st degree burglary, a felony. On top of everything, there is a great possibility he will be deported back to his home country as he is only a permanent resident. Being so concerned only with money, he never got his citizenship because he said he thought it wasn’t a big deal. My son and I visit him in jail twice a month, leaving at 2:30 AM to walk for an hour to the bus and spend another 4 1/2 hours traveling. On a recent visit, he said, “Why every time you come to see me your hair looks like sh**t*?” Wendy, that day I got it done but we had to walk in the rain and missed a bus, so I had to wait in the rain with my son. I tried to explain, but he said, “Whatever, whatever.” My eyes filled with tears and he then told my son, “Mami’s being a fucking asshole right now.”

I want to leave this relationship, but he’s the only father my son knows. We are also supposed to wed but how do you marry such a cruel person? I have successful men with careers who would like a serious relationship, but I turn them down because I’d rather be faithful. Please help. — Mami

The guy is a total loser and you’re doing your sons absolutely zero favors by allowing him to be the sole or even the main male role model in his life. Move on already and either stay single and focus on your boy or quit turning down the successful men with careers who aren’t in jail, don’t constantly put you down, and are interested in pursuing a serious relationship with you.

I’ve been with this guy for about a year now. We broke up after three months, however, we kept seeing each other and eventually got back together three or four weeks later. A month after that he went back to his country, so it was like an end to our relationship, though we kept in touch via internet and we remained together. Two months later I had an internship near his country so I visited him first, and we had some nice moments.

During my internship, we continued talking and I planned another visit after a month and a half. It was nice but less nice than the first visit. I stayed with him for almost two weeks and on the last night at his place he said that we couldn’t continue having a long distance relationship. I told him that I wasn’t ready for the breakup and we should think about it and give each other a chance. A few days later, I decided to come back to where he lives and start my life there. So I went back and stayed with a family member, I told him that I was back, and he was surprised and asked me the reason. He wasn’t excited to see me and, when I asked to see him, he said, “Not now, we just spent two weeks together.”

Anyway, I moved in to the same city where he lived, and needed to stay somewhere before my lease started. He suggested that I stay at his place for a week, which I did, but I could feel him being a bit cold. After I moved to my own place, he came over and we had dinner together. He was supposed to sleep over, but he had things to do for school and so he left. That was ten days ago and I haven’t seen him since. He hasn’t called, texted, or talked online, and when I called him, he was dead cold. When I asked him if he wanted to come over, he said he didn’t have time. What should I do? — Can’t Let Go

MOA. He broke up with you and he wants you to leave him alone.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

Seriously? My head does actually hurt after reading these. LW1 the 1st few words of your letter were all I had to read.
LW2, SO MUCH DRAMA!
And LW3 The guy BROKE UP WITH YOU, so you decided to move to his country? Seriously?

#1 Please leave this man and get into counseling. Please get your children into counseling. Seek out a battered womens shelter to find resources if you don’t have health insurance to go through. You do not need this man in your life. And if he is abusing you who’s to say he isn’t abusing your children.

#2 Do you want this man to be the role model for your child? Children often mimic their parents behavior, do you want your son calling you an asshole? Leave, do right by your children.

#3 I can’t follow this for the life of me but if a man says he doesn’t want to date you, he doesn’t want to date you. End of story.

LW2: “I want to leave this relationship” <–you already said it. So leave. Your reasons for staying are honestly…ridiculous. You say that he's the only father your son knows, like having this guy as a father is actually a good thing. I really don't understand this mentality– in the same paragraph, & throughout the whole letter, you describe what a degenerate asshole this guy is. Why would you want him to act as your son's father?? Get out of this relationship.

LW3: You asked what you "should do", so first I'm going to tell you to admit you made a mistake in moving to your EX-boyfriend's city to try & work things out after he already broke up with you. And then cut your losses.

Before you do that though, you need to take a hint. He's acting cold to you because he doesn't want to be with you anymore. I'm sorry, because this hurts, but you shouldn't tell somebody to "think about it & give us a chance" after they clearly tell you things aren't working. What did he say when you said this? I have a feeling he wasn't into the idea, since you say he was "surprised" when you turned back up.

He should definitely be clearer with you—but, come on. He wasn't happy about your decision to move to his city. He doesn't want to see you. He doesn't talk to you anymore, & when YOU call HIM, he's "dead cold." Stop, stop, stop contacting him.

Where do these women find them? How do you even begin a relationship with someone in jail or who is not even a citizen and sells drugs!?! Oh my god it’s LWs like these that allow bitches like Dana Perino to say women need to make better choices / are responsible for the violence that is in their lives. Which is totally not true but really —
— 16 years is a long time to stick around with a criminal who has never supported you or your child
— a 25 year old woman who doesn’t even have full custody of her child, ability to care for or house the child herself, is focusing on dating and her parents being mean

Fuck birth control, I’m back on the sterilizing train.

Oh and LW3. You’re not quite the train wreck – respect his actions and move on!

It’s so sad… I mean when this is your starting point – “He only had two [babies] when we first met and he was doing what he was doing in the streets (selling).” – and you plunge in, get pregnant, and end up crying after jailhouse visits because he calls you the asshole in front of your toddler… it just screams that the only thing this poor woman was ever taught was that her value was 100% tied to her ability to get a man. Doesn’t even matter what kind… or how he acts to her, his CHILDREN (aka the 3 year old and his half brothers & sisters) or society at large.

Anyone with even 1.45% of self-respect would have run from this baby daddy crime factory the second they met him… of course that woman probably wouldn’t have been anywhere near the shithole where this guy hangs out in the first place.

You know how people often comment on the shortcuts how they have no faith in humanity after reading? I always thought that was silly because it was usually people just being not so smart, but making mistakes many people have made.
This though, this has made me lose my faith in humanity. I want to shake these people.

LW2 really got to me. That sidebar about her getting her hair done and him asking why her hair always looks bad… that was just really sad. Leave him LW. You and your son deserve so much better than that. You deserve so much more.

I don’t even think these women deserve better (1&2 at least), but their children do! I really am dumb for thinking most people wake up and realize their kid is super important when they give birth. This whole thing just made me angry.
You want to leave the relationship? Uh, no one is stopping you. Certainly not someone in jail on a bond I have to assume you can’t afford, who will likely then be kicked out of the country. How about instead of spending 5-6 hours going to JAIL with your CHILD, you take him to the zoo or something.

Basically, all of you… make a to-do list. This is how it should read:
1) Sort life out!

As for LW 2… Maybe you don’t think you deserve better, but I am sure you think your son deserves the world. Am I right? So, I am going to tell you right now that your son does NOT deserve a Dad who tells him his Mom is an asshole. That is something that scars a kid for life. That is the kind of behavior that can be passed down. Don’t let him see that example any longer. Let him grow up to learn that is not how a man treats a woman. The females of the world thank you. And I think your son one day will thank you too. He deserves a Mom who respects herself.

LW3 reminds me of that episode of Seinfield where George tries to break up with a woman and she says “no”. So, he starts dating another woman to force the issue, but the first woman still refuses to break up with him and then the second one says “no”, too!

LW3, he broke up with you. You do not get to say “no”. Anything he does for you is out of niceness, or obligation, or some other BS reason OTHER than him wanting to be in a relationship with you. There are worse things in the world than being single. Let it go.

Head explode, brains everywhere! I hope all three of these women forget about the douchebags and focus on gaining some self-respect. There’s so much better out there. But I guess it all just seems like common sense to people who aren’t knee deep in the shit.

Oh, and don’t be a stalker. I know a girl who moved to another city across the country to be close to a guy she thought she was in love with (after he dumped her) and all she ended up with was a restraining order.

How sad. Why do all these women think being without a man is infinitely worse than being with a bad man, or a criminal, or one who mistreats you, or one that doesn’t even want you? Ladies, what is it? These men don’t bring you affection, or even resources… instead they seem to be a drain on the resources YOU do have.
Be single – for the love of all things holy – be single and concentrate on making yourselves better, on making your children’s lives better, on making your future better. After you have done that, the calibre of man around you will be worth your time. Because these ones aren’t and you are doing a terrible disservice to your children acting the way you do.

It boggles my mind how many people REFUSE to be single. I LOVED being single! I had so much fun! Ladies, it’s really not bad being single (and it’s way better than the shit LW1&2 are dealing with, for sure!). I promise you!

I could almost understand it more if they were being treated awful – but the guy was a sugar daddy and at least got them stuff (all of a sudden that LW with the baby on the way and mercedes/house not in her name seems so functional, holy shit I am scraping the bottom of the barrel here)…

BUT THESE WOMEN ARE BASICALLY PAYING FOR THESE TERRIBLE ASSHATS TO TREAT THEM LIKE SHIT!?! WTF… it’s a total drain. These men are not magical entities that will one day wake up to treat you like a queen, they are manipulating and using you and teaching your children to do the same in the next generation. YOU DON’T NEED A MAN!!! THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING THEY CAN DO – ESP THESE ASSHATS – THAT YOU CAN’T DO FOR YOURSELF.

Sorry for the all caps, I just feel such frustrated rage right now… there are so many innocent children out there that are doomed 🙁

Except the mouse exception to the “i don’t need a man” mantra. I have a mouse. And it is not falling for those humane traps or the type where it goes into a little cubby and all you have to do is throw out the whole thing. Nope, this mouse is too smart for that stuff. So I really need to do the horrible glue traps, where the mouse sticks to the glue when it runs over it, and then slowly, loudly and disgustingly dies, all out in the open. And I haven’t done it yet because I can’t bring myself to deal with cleaning that up. A boy/man would be nice, to deal with that.

Is it bad I’m seriously thinking of laying them out then making my dad come deal with it? So much for being a functional adult, right?

Maybe if you are ready to go to the full-kill methods, you do the adult thing by paying the exterminator;)

I say this as someone who would run across the street in college to get one of the guys to come and kill the huge water bugs… no shame in needing help on occasion, but it doesn’t have to take over your life!

The super has tried to convince me that this is an “escaped pet mouse” who was lost to the world about 2 years ago and that there is no mouse problem. He says that once I catch it/one mouse, if any other mice show up, he’ll call the exterminator. But for just one, it’s overkill and that’s what traps are for.

With 2 weeks of horrible night’s sleep thinking every creak or heater hiss is the mouse having a party, I’m turning into a Nathan Lane character.

Currently, the quasi-humane traps have peanuts in them, but i’ll throw in some chocolate and potato chips. (In my head, my mouse eats like a PMS-ing teenager).

Wendy you need to make an MOA list that applies no matter the circumstance, i.e.:

-If he sells drugs
-If he’s in jail for a felony (we could throw misdemeanor in there, too if it got enough votes)
-If he is a convicted sex offender
-If he is physically or verbally abusive towards you or your children
-If he listens to Nickleback (teehee)

-If he/she has children from multiple partners (unless there is a real legit reason related to legit relationships and sadness like being widowed) and/or is failing to support those children
-If he/she possesses or has any history with anything related to pedophilia / child pornography

well, this doesnt and shouldnt mean anything to other people who do want or have had children, but i just have this incredible nagging feeling that bringing a child into our world- full of overpopulation, war, hate, and quite honestly, stupidity, is not a good decision for them. like, if their “souls” or whatever are looking down here, if it were me, i would be like FUCK NO i dont want to go there!

i feel like its mean to bring a child into our world because our world sucks so much. why would i bring a life into this world to have to experience people like this?

thats why. i dont know if its irrational or dumb or what, but thats what it is. and it bothers me, to the point where i dont know if i could ever have a kid without thinking that i would just be doing it for my own selfish reasons of wanting a kid…

I get that – I’m more of a glass half-empty kind of person myself and I can imagine this scene like Mad Max where my future offspring are wondering what the fuck was wrong with me when I knew the world was going to hell. But then I wonder if it’s my kid whose going to be the next Dan Conner (or whatever that guys name was in the Terminator movies) who needs to exist to save the world 😉

Kinda, LBH. This freaky friday trio of idiocracy ties in rather nicely with my mandate the other day that anybody who wasn’t deliberately planning to have a child and thus given an official permit be forced to abort ANY and ALL unplanned… Trust me, the world WOULD be a better place. Letter after letter here just painfully spells all that out!

Do you REALLY think that if some deranged man wrote in here to loudly and proudly proclaim how he pretty much dropped his entire life so he could up and move to a foreign country in pursuit of a some hapless woman who dumped him and then signed off with “Can’t Let Go” wouldn’t be labeled a stalker… Honestly, the LW sounds fucking dangerous. She sound decidedly Glen Close to me.

Yes, but he visited her and then got the picture. This girl visited him, he broke up with her, and then she decided to move there and doesn’t understand why he’s acting cold to her and she continues to call him. Yes, he’s kind of being an ass by going over there and such, but he has told her that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship and we always tell people to trust people at their word and follow their actions–both of which say he doesn’t want to be with her.

Oh, and I’ve decided I am anti-the word decidedly. It makes no sense. If you said “She sounds like Glen Close to me” I would know you decided you think that. Why add decidedly? Its become a pet peeve now. Anyone else agree?

LW1: Lets see…. convicted sex offender, probation for life (he will probably stay in jail now) and everything else….and u want to stay with this man???

LW2: YOU ARE A MOTHER OF A 3YR OLD!!!! Grow the hell up and keep you and your child away from this man!!!!

LW3: You sound likeba psycho stalker. No duh he is being cold with you!!! He broke up with you, moved back to his country ( probably to get away from you) and then you mive to HIS COUNTRY most likely with hopes that he will go running back to u. If you did this AFTER the breakup, I can only imagine the crap you pulled during the relationship.

ALL OF YOU WOMEN NEED SERIOUS COUNSELING!!!!!! And to the others who wrote in….you are a MOTHER to a child who needs YOU….not some dirtbag around so you can get laid and have someone to ‘snuggle up with at nite’ because you NEED A MAN IN YOUR LIFE.

I am sorry to anyone who thinks that I am being too harsh here but it has to be said. I just cannot stand when these mothers will put up with so much shit (and think it is ok) just to have a man by their side. This is why we here sooooo many stories about boyfriends, new husbands etc. that killed the gf, wife’s kids feom a previous relationship…..tuen when they are found out the woman also states the she was sooo afraid of the spouse, SO, whatever so she didn’t atop him or go to the police.

And one more thing I must say…. if it was not noticed….is that these type of letters really really hit a sore spot in my heart because of the children. The childrenbare the ones in danger. Maybe not physically, but emotionally and mentally as well…..

Now, I don’t have children, so I have no idea what it’s like…but I just find that SOME women with children are much more willing to put up with crap from men, especially the baby daddies. I understand that women want to have an unbroken home, but really, being alone is better than being with guys like LW1 and LW2! Have some pride! Do it by yourself! Your kids will respect you!

I don’t know if anyone else has already said this, but LW2, I’m not sure if you realize just how damaging it can be to hear one parent say negative things about the other parent. That can really mess a kid up, and my half-brother is a good example of that. My mom cared for him so much and completely dedicated her life to taking care of him. She did everything she possibly could for him, but no matter how much love she showed him, it couldn’t compete with the things his dad said about our mom over their weekends together. He grew up thinking that our mom didn’t love him, that she was a big slut, that she was mean to his dad (not what happened at all, trust me), etc. It messed him up pretty permanently, and he’s struggled with it a lot even as an adult. It eventually culminated in a huge violent episode where my brother ended up in jail for a few days at around age 25 after she asked him to clean up his dirty dishes, and he had a violent breakdown surrounding all the lies he grew up believing.

I’m not saying all of that will happen with your son, but it’s at least very damaging to him. Do not expose yourself to people who are bad examples and who are mean to you. The best thing you can do for him is to show him that you demand respect as a person and as a woman. Teach him to stand up for himself, and teach him that he has to be kind to other people generally and especially to the women he’s involved with. You do all of that by example, not by a lecture. Never let him see you allow someone to disrespect you, and stop being a pushover.

Also, your son is a toddler. He needs to be sleeping that early in the morning. Children need regular sleep cycles for their development and growth. By doing this, you could be physically depriving him as well as mentally.

There is a lot of research that shows that having one loving parent is much better for the child than having two parents who have issues like this. Seriously. Do not settle for a man just because you want a father for your son. He’s much better off without this sort of a man in his life.

I agree with you. My nefew is 4yrs old and my sister and the father split up bc. The relationship was horrible and did not want my nefew around all the fighting etc. The father talks so much crap around my nefew that at 4yrs old he started telling my sister she is a bad mom ” cause daddy said so”