Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Or at least as close to normal as it will get. I returned to work today, and it was bittersweet. I am glad to back in the game if life, but I do miss home and naps and my girls... My 3 year old buddy who asked if she could go back to work with me...I miss her a lot.

I did have a minor panic attack in the cafeteria, I think kind of a ptsd reaction, returning to work means returning to the "scene of the crime" where I found out I had cancer, where I was treated, where once upon a time my babies were born, where not long ago it was just work... It was just a little overwhelming, I think it will take some time.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Random acts of (Christ) kindness
1. Give money to someone who ask2. Donate books to the library
3. Pay a tab for the person behind you 4. Adopt a solider
5. Thank the mail person with a box of See’s6. Muffins for librarians
7. Leave a small gift in the play area of a park
8. Leave laundry detergent at the Laundromat with a few quarters
9. Donate to a food bank10. Hand out balloons
11. Leave diapers and wipes at a changing station
12. Let someone cut in front of you in line13. Give a gift from a giving tree (like at the mall)14. Leave $1 hidden in the toy section at the 99 cents store15. Make bookmarks for the library to hand out
16. Buy flowers for the grocery store clerk17. Pick up trash at the park
18. Cut coupons and leave them near the item at the grocery store
19. Post post-its with nice quotes in unexpected places
20. Bake cookies for a neighbor21. Leave an angel for someone to find
22. Give flowers to a favorite teacher anonymously
23. leave extra stamps at the post office
24. give to the Salvation Army person and thank them for ringing the Christmas bell
25. make paper flowers and leave them at the senior center to be hander out with meals
26. draw a happy picture and post it at a grocery store bulletin board

We will go in no particular order and will probably have to repeat a few, but we are all excited!

Thanksgiving came and went. I am still doing dishes, still eating leftovers, (I have yet to cook another meal!)But it was nice and it went well.

Now on to Christmas. Usually I am done, or almost done with all my Christmas shopping by Thanksgiving, but I have barely started. The kids and are doing something new this year, and hopefully it will become an annual tradition. We are going to do one random act of kindness a day until Christmas. We started today with giving money to a panhandler without judgment or reservation. I am posting our entire list on the next post right now in case anyone wants to join us!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

So it's obvious what I am thankful for, but I will list them anyway.
1) my Faith
2) my family
3) my friends (who let's face it are family!)
4) my co-workers (who let's face it are friends!)
5) my doctors ( who... are... my... co-workers!) Hmmm, I see a pattern...
6) my health, which I know you would expect to be higher on the list, but without the above I don't know if I would have had the motivation and strength to get here

Now is it wrong that I don't want to do this on thanksgiving? I just don't think I can emotionally handle (especially after cooking all day) 30+ family members (its going to sound bad) but, reminding me that I had cancer...

So am going to ask that we give thanks by saying grace and that's it, if everyone else wants to go around the table they can, but I think I will excuse myself.

I am very grateful for my life, and I hope people know that without me having to say it.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

and an update on me. Yes, all the aggressive treatment is done, but apparently the radiation will continue to burn through my body for 2 weeks, even leaving an "exit wound" on my back. under my arm i have a 3rd degree burn and my ribs feel bruised. The good

thing is that this all came after radiation was over, some people get these symptoms durring radiation and have to contiune to get radiated through the burn! (ouch!!)

Monday, November 7, 2011

So as quietly as this journey began, in a radiology room, today it came to an end in a radiology room. I am now done with all of my aggressive treatment. I have been cut open and pulled apart, mutilated and poisoned, bruised and burned, and the cancer was destroyed, and I am here and I am still strong. I have battle wounds and dark memories, but I still have hope. And my mind still drifts to dark places and I think I will be scared for a long time, but I will always have faith.

It's a really weird realization that it's done. I said good-bye to my techs, who have been by my side, everyday for this last part of my fight, and good-bye to my comrades in the waiting room, (we have seen each other daily for weeks now) and the receptionist, who know us all by name, handed me my "diploma" recognizing the end of this road, I couldn't help but cry. I was sad that I went alone and had no one to share my multitude of emotions with, but in a way it was very fitting.

Then I came home and the house was still a mess, I still had to pick up the kids from school, and go to parent teacher conferences, and gymnastics, and homework, and scouts... and life goes on.

I ended my first post with "This is my journey and it will be led by God, my family, my friends. I will have bad days, it will be hard. It is the fight for my life, and I will win!" And now I know the journey is never over, it is what keeps us going, and you win the moment you chose to fight, and yes, it is hard, and yes there are many bad days, but there are many good days, and days that you don't cry, and although you never forget that you have had cancer, you realized the you have gained more than you have lost. And when you make it out you are called a survivor.

My husband asked if this means the end of the blog and I said no. I have told this blog my secrets, my fears, my happiness, my memories. And I still have 8 months of herceptin, and I got in to a blind trial to test a medication that may help me stay in remission till the 5 year mark... so I will go on...

A million miles away
Your signal in the distance
To whom it may concern
I think I lost my way
Getting good at starting over
Every time that I return

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
Can't you see I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?

Do you remember the days
We built these paper mountains
And sat and watched them burn
I think I found my place
Can't you feel it growing stronger
Little conquerors

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?

Now
For the very first time
Don't you pay no mind
Set me free again
To keep alive a moment at a time
But still inside a whisper to a riotTo sacrifice but knowing to survive
The first to climb another state of mind
I'm on my knees, I'm praying for a sign Forever, whenever
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I'm on my knees
I never wanna die
I'm dancing on my grave
I'm running through the fire
Forever, whenever
I never wanna die
I never wanna leave
I never say goodbye
Forever, whenever, forever, whenever

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
Can't you see I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
I'm learning to talk again
Can't you see I've waited long enough

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Both costumes were home made or home assembled. My 6 year old and I made her pirate costume and we put the cowgirl outfit together from clothes we had a home. The 11 year old was ryan seacrest, mostly because he really wanted to wear his suit jacket. Over the weekend even I dressed up as a flapper with a 20's wig and all!

So today I had my 21st of 25 radiation treatments. Next monday will be my last treatment. I will still have 8 or so months of Herceptin infusions (every three weeks), but it looks like I will be oficially ready to go back to work the Monday after Thanksgiving. A little nervous, yes.