Bret Burquest is a former award-winning columnist for The News (2001-2007) and author of four novels. He has lived in Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Miami, Atlanta, Kansas City, Memphis and the middle of the Arizona desert. After a life of blood, sweat and tears in big cities, he has finally found peace in northern Arkansas where he grows tomatoes, watches sunsets and occasionally shares the Secrets of the Universe (and beyond) with the rest of the world.

Men are Sheep, Women are from Venus

When I was a young corporate stooge, I always wore a dark three-piece suit with a flashy necktie. Now that I'm older and wiser, I wonder what took me so long to burn all my neckties.

The necktie dates back to 1660 when a crack military regiment from Croatia visited France. They had recently defeated Turkey and were presented to King Louis XIV in Paris where they were honored for their glorious victory.

Louis XIV apparently had an eye for men's fashion. He was particularly enchanted with the brightly colored silk handkerchiefs adorning the necks of the Croatian officers. He soon created his own regiment of silk-handkerchief-adorned soldiers he called the Royal Cravattes.

France has always been a country of pretentious snobs and girly-men. Their major accomplishment for the betterment of mankind was the invention of the soufflé.

Before long, the new fashion statement made its way across the channel to England.

By 1700, no man in Britain was considered a gentleman without a cravat or necktie. Some cravats were even worn so high that a man had to turn his whole body just to turn his head.

Unfortunately, this folly eventually drifted across the Atlantic Ocean to the colonies. To this very day, men in America, although a fairly enlightened species, still wear neckties.

The only conceivable logical reason a man would wrap a fabric around his neck is to keep warm. Short of that, the only other plausible explanation is that men wrap a fabric around their necks because other men wrap a fabric around their necks and they desperately want to be associated with them.

Obviously, men are sheep. And if you're a sheep following other sheep, you only get one view of the world and it isn't pretty.

A man who wears a necktie is a man who cannot think for himself. He's merely playing a role. If his attire is dishonest, perhaps he is dishonest as well. Politicians all wear neckties. So do bankers, lawyers and used car salesmen. None of them would score very high on a Trust-O-Meter.

The biggest idiots of all are the men who wear a bow tie. They consider themselves to be rebels. But in reality, they are merely followers with bad taste. A man who wears a bow tie is a man in serious need of a brain transplant.

The functionless necktie, worn by men under the illusion of being socially acceptable within the circle of men who wear neckties, is overwhelming proof that men are shallow seekers of approval. They do what other men do simply to blend in with the crowd. Men dress to be like other men.

On the other hand, women have a flair for fashion, which changes with the seasons. They don't want to blend in, they want to stand out and be noticed. Women dress to be annoying to other women.

Men are sheep, women are from Venus.

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Quote for the Day -- A man is as good as he has to be, a woman is as bad as she dares.