Ask Amy

Friendship chokes over dining

January 31, 2009|By Amy Dickinson

Dear Amy: My best friend recently became a vegan. She no longer eats meat or any animal product, including cheese, milk, butter and eggs.

I have no problems with her being a vegan, even though I do not personally follow this diet and continue to eat meat and other animal products. The only time I have issues is when she asks me to go out to eat with her. She insists on eating at completely vegan restaurants, and I politely refuse each time. I always suggest a place where we can both find something to eat.

She is extremely critical of the places I suggest, and we usually wind up not going anywhere because she insists on all-vegan restaurants. Am I being unreasonable asking for a compromise?

She has made this life choice, but should I, as her best friend, have to also follow it whenever I'm with her?

-- Frustrated Carnivore

Dear Carnivore: You claim you have asked for a compromise, but according to you, your friend always suggests vegan restaurants and you always "politely refuse" and suggest a non-vegan restaurant. Then she refuses.

This isn't compromising. This is insisting on your way and then, when you don't get your way, taking the highway. A compromise, however, is definitely called for.

You should agree to eat at a vegan restaurant. Then the next time you eat out, she should agree to eat at a non-vegan restaurant that can prepare a decent vegan meal.

Even the most devoted carnivores probably shouldn't eat meat each and every day. Surely you can enjoy some soy and lentils from time to time.

If your friend digs in her heels and won't ever eat at a non-vegan restaurant, you two simply won't be able to eat out together.

Then it's time to join a bowling league.

Dear Amy: I live in the basement of a home owned by good friends, "Adam" and "Eve," who live upstairs. I know that Adam is cheating on Eve with several other people, all of whom are our mutual friends. Adam knows I am aware of his transgressions, but we have not discussed them.

Several of our other close friends know, too, and have confronted Adam about this behavior. Eve does not know about any of this.

It is definitely not my place to tell her, but Adam has begun making moves on me.

What should I do? I cannot afford to move.

-- Conflicted Roommate

Dear Conflicted: If "Adam" is putting the moves on you, then you should tell him in no uncertain terms to knock it off, already.

You should also start looking for another basement to occupy. If you can't afford to hire movers, perhaps "Adam," "Eve" and your many mutual friends could offer to help.

You say it's not your place to notify Eve of Adam's many other sexual relationships, but you are personally aware of these relationships -- and she is at risk for STDs, not to mention heartache. Of course you should tell her.

Dear Amy: I read the letter from "Discouraged," and it was almost a mirror image of my situation two years ago.

Like Discouraged, I am not a young woman. I lost my job after 18 years, and the next day I had to put my cat to sleep.

Shortly after that my mother passed away.

I looked for a job for 11/2 years and had only one interview.

I was so discouraged and depressed.

Then I found a great temp agency and went on one interview and got the job! I was asked to start work the following Monday.

Please let Discouraged know that she is not alone, and to keep trying.

She should sign up with several temp agencies.

I'll keep my fingers crossed and wish her all the best.

-- Been There

Dear Been There: Several readers were disappointed in my answer to "Discouraged," challenging my suggestion that she volunteer at an animal shelter as a way to lift her spirits while she continued to look for work.

Some readers said that animal shelters are depressing places, especially for someone who has recently lost a beloved pet, but I disagree. Working with animals and meeting other animal lovers can be therapeutic.

I love your idea of interviewing at temp agencies and join you in wishing her -- and all other "Discouraged" people out there -- all the best.