Bittersweet Relief

Last night was absolutely bittersweet. On one hand, the 3-hour-long sex session was out of this world! On the other hand, the tired discussion afterwards, sucked hardcore… And surprisingly, I wasn’t disappointed by it. I was, in that instant, relieved to finally know for sure. Today, I kind of have no feelings towards it. Probably a hardcore case of denial, also known as, watch for the pending doom…

So, the 3-hour-long sex session began after I watched a few movies on Netflix. The last one I watched was Public Sex, which is essentially about Dogging. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this movie to much of anyone, because I didn’t think it was that great. In every area that I thought it would be really great, and for every time that they built up to something great, it just kind of fell short. But I wasn’t expecting greatness going into it, so it wasn’t a surprise. The movie did little in the way of getting me turned on, but it definitely gave me a craving to watch porn.

Which almost seems like it’s now become “a part” of The Boyfriend and I’s sex routine. I don’t know if I can remember the last time we had sex without having porn on. And, it’s not normally him who initiates this at all. I mean, I guess a few of those times. But for the most part, I turn it on without even asking. Then, we go through and laugh at all the various funny titles and usually pick together the one’s we’d like to watch. Last night was a little bit different, because at first, I picked what I wanted to watch without letting him have a say and then I made him pick one without me having a say.

This time was also different, because I pointed out everything in every video that I really liked. Of course, during all of these videos, we’re not just watching. We’re playing or fucking or sucking, normally both of us holding off on cumming until the very end. I’m going to call that whole thing playing, the building up to orgasm. So normally, when we’re playing, he tends to not pay much attention to the porn. Every once and awhile we’ll both glance over for a moment, or we’ll watch it during one of our smoke breaks, but once we’re place the basic foreplay and have delved into playing, we’re normally pretty involved in what we’re doing. But last night, I asked him to stay watching the porn for some of my favorite things and things I’d really like to try, like squirting during double penetration and eating a girl out in front of him without him being allowed to touch. There wasn’t much said on his part, but it definitely didn’t put a damper on any sexual activity.

By the time he put his chosen porn on, it hardly got watched. We talked about the girls’ skirt and which one he’d prefer on me and which one I’d prefer on me, and then the porn hardly got paid attention to at all. I don’t know if this is a new interest of his or if he’s always had an interest in girl-on-girl strap-on sex, but he’s showing off that interest a lot more recently. I’ve never really been into girl-on-girl strap-on sex, though I’ve never hated it either. I wouldn’t pick it out of a group of videos, but I wouldn’t turn it off if it was put on, if that makes sense.

Moments later, we were cuddling, coming down from equally amazing and surprisingly sudden orgasms that neither of us thought were going to happen when they did. Of course, this was the first thing we discussed during our post-sex discussion ritual. Then, we recounted our favorite moments and the things to include in future sessions, like we always do. And then, as I was caressing his finger tips and forearms, I told him that I had something to ask him, but didn’t want him to take it the wrong way.

You could feel his entire body tense, dreading the question to come. Before I thought more about asking the question, dreading the answer that may follow, I quickly dived and gently thread the words together, “Do you think there is ever a chance that we will be on the same page sexually?”. I’m not even sure that he hesitated before answering, “No, but I’m worried about saying that.”

At first, I felt this extreme disappointment wash over me and it was hastily followed with this sudden relief, because at least now I know. I know that all my dreaming, while with him, is pointless. It’s a relief because I can now stop thinking that there might be a chance that one day in the future he may spank me. And when I asked why he was worried, his response was, “Because, I’m worried you’ll say ‘Then, what’s the point!’ and I don’t want that.” and I said that I don’t want that either. Because I don’t.

I’ve always said that I don’t want to break things off with him over a sexual thing like this, when I know there are ways for us to get around this. For both of us, to some degree, get what we want and be happy. If some other area of our relationship were bad, then it’d be different and my thoughts would be something other than what they are. But it’s not like that for us. Every area of our relationship is really great, that ruining it just because he can’t fulfill my kinks, makes absolutely no sense. The vanilla sex is really good, the communication between us is good, the feelings we have for each other are strong and real and important. I can’t see tossing all that away to just have a chance at getting into a kinky relationship, that may or may not be as fulfilling and satisfying as this relationship.

I wanted to talk more. I wanted to ask more questions and be the eager beaver that I normally am when it comes to these things. But instead, I stepped back from the experience that I was in and am now beginning to think about how I plan to progress from here. And honestly, that part worries me the most. What am I going to do with this information? Today, I feel like I could care less about it. I’m writing this post because I feel it’s necessary, not because I’m actually actively thinking about the situation. I seem to be rather unbiased about it right now and I’m convinced that’s my version of denial.

I foresee my future emotions, over the next coming days and weeks. I see bitterness, sadness, acceptance, anger, obsession, complacency, hope, maybe even humor. I foresee many more attempts at many more unsuccessful and discouraging conversations. I foresee some irrationality on my part and some stress on his. I foresee an inconsistent wave of blog posts coming up when I really start thinking about the conversation and I see me spending more time than I’d like, thinking about this…

Valerie Rayne is a wannabe kinkster, blog-a-holic and mom of five ranting about life, love and blogging. She is also the founder of The Erotic Writers Group, a community for #EroticWriters and #EroticReaders to connect, share, learn and inspire.

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