Damian’s Deconstructive Diatribe, 12/6/2006

Today’s diatribe will be brought to you by Anger! Get Anger, the most passionate of all the emotions! 2 for $14.99. I don’t know why I’m so angry today, but the stories I picked just brought it all out. People are stupid. And they keep getting dumber and dumber, in a strange reverse-evolution, but to the point where even rhesus monkeys are pointing at us and saying “Jesus, Poncho, get on Ebay and bid on a clue! Shit, use Buy It Now!” I’m constantly amazed. I’m glad they’re around, though. They give me something to write about.

Brown came back with Mister Black!
(Name that book.)

On with the ‘tribe!

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NASHVILLE, Tennessee (AP) — It is considered polite to light a match after passing gas. Not while on a plane. An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing Monday morning after a passenger lit a match to disguise the scent of flatulence, authorities said. The Dallas-bound flight was diverted to Nashville after several passengers reported smelling burning sulfur from the matches, said Lynne Lowrance, spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority. All 99 passengers and five crew members were taken off and screened while the plane was searched and luggage was screened. The FBI questioned a passenger who admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal a “body odor,” Lowrance said. She had an unspecified medical condition, authorities said. “It’s humorous in a way but you feel sorry for the individual, as well,” she said. “It’s unusual that someone would go to those measures to cover it up.” The flight took off again, but the woman was not allowed back on the plane. The woman, who was not identified, was not charged in the incident.

I…cannot… stop laughing… at this. There’s embarrassment, there’s mortified, there’s utter shame, and then there’s THIS. This is a level of shame unrivaled by damn-near ANYTHING I’ve ever heard of. Imagine having the pilot make an emergency landing, all because you farted. How bad was that fart that she had to light a match? I mean, wouldn’t it just be easier to blame somebody else? Just come out of the bathroom, look back at it in disgust, and say something like “Holy shit, there’s a foul bitch on this airplane, that’s all I got to say.” And go back to your seat shaking your head. How hard is that, unless your ass smells like a rhinocerous humping a termite mound in the summer? I’m glad she at least did the right thing and owned up to doing it, instead of having the NTSB shaking down every Muslim they could find. That took a LOT of courage, especially for a woman. Why especially for a woman, you ask? ‘Cause y’all don’t fart. That’s why. And if you DO, you’d sooner admit to capital murder than to ripping out a wet one in public. What if she was on her way to Dallas for a business meeting or a seminar or some other time-sensitive activity? How the hell do you explain that you’re stuck in Tennessee because your sphincter released something so hideous, your common sense packed an overnight bag and went to stay with its sister, while you decided to pretend you were at a Deep Purple concert and start waving a match around? We’ve all ripped one that made us flee our own stench out of fear and disgust (well, us guys, anyway). All I have to say is that must’ve been one heavy-duty work of flatulent art. She should’ve recorded it.

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Salt Lake City – Utah Supreme Court justices acknowledged Tuesday that they were struggling to wrap their minds around the concept that a 13-year-old girl could be both an offender and a victim for the same act – in this case, having consensual sex with her 12-year-old boyfriend. The Ogden, Utah, girl was put in this odd position because she was found guilty of violating a state law that prohibits sex with someone under age 14. She also was the victim in the case against her boyfriend, who was found guilty of the same violation by engaging in sexual activity with her. “The only thing that comes close to this is dueling,” said Associate Chief Justice Michael Wilkins, noting that two people who take 20 paces and then shoot could each be considered both victim and offender. And Chief Justice Christine Durham wondered if the state Legislature had intended the “peculiar consequence” that a child would have the simultaneous status of a protected person and an alleged perpetrator under the law. The comments came in oral arguments on a motion asking the high court to overturn the finding of delinquency – the legal term in juvenile court for a conviction – against Z.C., who became pregnant after she and her boyfriend engaged in sex in October 2003. State authorities filed delinquency petitions in July 2004, alleging that each had committed sexual abuse of a child, a second-degree felony if committed by an adult. The girl appealed the petition, saying her constitutional right to be treated equally under the law had been violated.

Um…I’m not saying it’s cool that a 12- and 13-year old were doin’ the do, but to charge either of them with a crime is the height of stupidity. How about handling this like adults, and just beating their asses and not letting them see each other again? What happened to that option? No way I’d call the cops on some dumb bullshit like this. She was pregnant, for bacon’s sake! Help her! Charging her with a crime and potentially sending her to juvy isn’t gonna do a thing for that baby, who was already starting off on the wrong foot. If you’re 20, and your mom’s 33 and your dad’s 32, you got issues enough. If one or both of them did time in the joint over the very act of conceiving you, you might wanna save up for therapy and your own bail. The very first sign of how crazy this is is the fact that they’re saying the girl is both offender and victim, which just doesn’t make any kind of common sense. Now, I’m glad there are laws in place to help out abused children, but this wasn’t abuse – this was two young-ass kids wanting to get freaky with it, and that’s where it should start and end, legally. Since when did we allow the judicial system to raise our children? Maybe if the parents had been watching little Billy and Mandy, she wouldn’t’ve gotten knocked up by someone who would face the moral dilemma of whether to buy Enfamil or shoes with skates in the bottom.

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Andy Dick hasn’t learned anything from the Michael Richards incident. According to sources, the hopped-up comedian hopped onstage Saturday at L.A.’s Improv comedy club and dropped the n-bomb on a room full of stunned clubgoers. Andy was heckling comedian Ian Bagg during his routine, when Dick allegedly got out of his seat, jumped onstage and began joking with Bagg. The subject of Michael Richards came up, but the two comics quickly moved past it. As Dick exited the stage, he suddenly grabbed the mic and shouted at the crowd, “You’re all a bunch of niggers!” The stunned crowd gasped and stared at each other. Bagg tried to play it cool and move on with his set, but the laughs weren’t there. Calls to Dick’s rep were not immediately returned.

I hate Andy Dick. Can’t stand him. He’s a smug, arrogant prick with an overinflated sense of self and a gross misjudgment on how much talent he actually possesses. This hatred isn’t a new thing; it’s been simmering on low for years now, even back in the “Talk Radio” days when he was basically a smart-ass nobody. I’ve watched this fuck muppet grow his career like an infected weed, get part after part, banking on marginal talent and an incredible ability to kiss ass and be seen. He isn’t funny. He can’t act. The only thing he’s good at is being Andy Dick, with a pronounced emphasis on the surname. He is living someone else’s dream, leaving wine stains and little crumbs of ecstacy all over it. Wasn’t it bad enough that Michael Richards said that during his routine? Wasn’t that deplorable enough? Did Andy think that maybe he could reach just a little lower and offend even MORE people? I can’t stand what Michael Richards did, and he’s got a long way to go, in my eyes, to really show contrition and remorse. But in a way, what Andy Dick did was worse. Richards clearly wasn’t going for jokes in his rant…he had fallen off the deep end, and into his own psyche. Dick was trying to be funny, using something he already knew wasn’t funny as his vehicle. All you budding comedians (myself included), take notes. Attacking the audience CAN be funny (see Hicks, Bill), if you do it the right way and make sure they’re in on the joke, too. But calling the audience by a hateful and derogatory racial slur isn’t funny, no matter who you are. If the great Richard Pryor himself had done that, it STILL wouldn’t be funny. Don’t go there. I hate Andy Dick. He’ll ride the wave of this minor controversy all the way to the bank. I hope he chokes on his next penis.

Ooooh you DO sound extra angry today… do I need to send over some bacon and tang?

1 – OMG I would have died had that been me. I would have NEVER owned up to it either. I’d have been standing in the crowd of pissed off travelers pretending it wasn’t me. Of course it would never be me because I don’t fart. Really. I don’t. No, really! Occasionally I might squeak but that is as far as it goes.

2- I have no words. Don’t they have like, real criminals to worry about? You are right, if the mommies and daddies were watching their kids they wouldn’t be faced with raising a grandchild right now.

3- I hate Andy Dick. Always have. And as much as I USED to like him, because he’s a bigot I hate Michael Richards too. And I don’t believe or accept his apology at all.

lol the airplane incident, I totally ribbed my friend who works for AA on that one, lol. But who the hell lights a match on plane. Snakes on a Plane, YES, matches on a plane? NOOO..Take your ass to the bathroom. By the way, how did she get matches on a plane anyway?

Mr. Brown and Mr. Black are Dr. Seuss guys and the book is either Hop on Pop or One Fish Two Fish. The sad thing is I don’t have any kids… Andy Dick should be shot with his hack ass comedy. That guy is awful. Poor pregnant kids shouldn’t have been bumping uglies but damn, get them help not juvenile detention. Everyone farts. I love to fart. My family even made up a word for laughing so hard you fart. The word is spamelli they are spasmelly.

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again, if everyone would stop using the N word, maybe random Dicks would stop using it too. It can get confusing for stupid comedians if it’s okay for some people to use a word, and not for others.