healing a hole in your heart takes a lot of work

1. healing a hole in your heart takes a lot of work

He's lonely, Jasper can tell. He's lonely even though he doesn't know what he's missing.

Sure, Edward realizes that everyone else has got someone, a pair, a match, and he doesn't. It isn't so difficult to miss. But Jasper knows that Edward doesn't feel as though he's going without. He can't see that he'd be so much happier with someone to hold.

Jasper knows that Esme sees it too. It's been so many decades since Edward first became a vampire, but in that entire time he's not shown any interest in a woman. Or a man, for that matter. Jasper guesses that Edward's just not a very sexual creature. There's this new thought in the psychology world that some people are just not interested in that kind of thing.

So he runs this idea past Alice, and she snorts. "All men are sexual creatures," she announces, and that's the end of that. It would be equally difficult for Jasper to believe if he hasn't been closely observing Edward's emotions for several years now -- Edward hasn't even felt desire before. It takes a while for Jasper to realize it, but he's been watching the bronze-haired vampire for weeks. Feeling the subtle changes in his mood, tasting the difference between happy-Edward-air and a room full of Edward angst. He's not as attuned to anyone as much as he is to Edward, save only Alice.

Why is that? he wonders, staring into the river near their home. Edward's out hunting somewhere, so his thoughts are safe for the moment. Why does he pay more attention to Edward than to any other member of his family? What's so intriguing about the lonely one's emotions that has Jasper just as attentive to him as he is to his wife?

He's just concerned, he thinks. Inside his head, his own voice is firm. He's only concerned about this vampire who's been more like a brother to him than anything else. He wants Edward to be happy in his life and he believes Edward deserves the best.

Is that all? his conscience drawled. Is that really the only reason you pay attention to him so much?

And what terrifies Jasper most of all is that he isn't able to answer that question.

x x x

Over the next few days he feels more protective than anything. It's almost an instinct to stay near Edward, to try to give him comfort where he can. Jasper senses that Edward's depressed deep within, even if he won't admit it to himself. Jasper wants nothing more than to heal that part of Edward, and maybe if he's a better companion then Edward will be happier.

But it's hard to delude himself into thinking these things. He's so close to Edward's feelings that he knows exactly what will make Edward better. And it's not being a nice, brotherly companion. No, what Edward needs is to fulfill that other half of himself that he doesn't know is missing. A loving hand to guide him through his long life. Strong arms to hold him whenever he feels down. A kiss stolen in the rain, happy smiles to light up his day. And when Jasper imagines himself being that person, he can't help but glow at the thought. Edward's body is just so beautiful...

He can't seem to stop thinking about Edward, all day and all throughout the night when he's bored and has nothing else to do. He doesn't want to remember Alice's beautiful pale face -- he's just too caught up in thoughts of his, what? Brother? Friend? None of those words seem appropriate now, not when he can't stop wondering what it's like to kiss someone who's not Alice, who's not even a woman.

It's become an obsession before he's even aware of it.

When he walks in through the back door -- he's been haunting that spot by the river again -- he knows that Alice knows. She doesn't want to talk to him even though he feels her emotions anyway. She's less angry than he expected, though. He can sense from a whole flight of stairs down that she's simply indignant he hadn't told her what he was feeling. A heady relief flows through him as he realizes he's been worried about her reaction this entire time. He can live with indignant, because Jasper's made up his mind and now that he's decided, he doesn't plan to stall or to go back to how things were. It's the perfect time, too, because all the other members of the household are out hunting. His life is irrevocably changed, and this is the mindset he's in when he approaches Edward sitting at the piano.

The vampire's body is completely still, like a statue carved by a master artist. And the skill is present in every tiny detail of the piece -- from the smooth, cold skin to the delicate hairs that shimmer with a golden tint in the sunlight streaming from the window. He looks up at Jasper, eyes confused at his thoughts, and the older vampire sits beside him on the piano bench.

Edward's golden eyes bore into his, and for an incredibly long time, they stare at each other. Strangely, Jasper's mind is calm and empty, peaceful and serene. He's not thinking about anything, and apparently neither is Edward, because no emotions are emanating from him; Jasper senses nothing.

Suddenly, without warning, they crash together, lips seeking each other out and hands roaming cool skin, fingers grasping hair and legs colliding. Jasper notices that Alice isn't at home anymore -- she left at some point -- and now the house is empty, the world is just for the two of them. His universe is the ridges of Edward's spine, the feel of Edward's fingers clutching at the back of his neck, and the scent of his writhing emotions. Jasper closes the distance between them and now their legs are tangled, their chests pressed together in their wild, passionate kiss.

And then they are apart, unmoving, not touching any part of the other save for their smoldering gazes. Now that he's had a chance to think about it Jasper can tell that Edward's other half is there. He doesn't have that gaping hole that was filled in everyone else -- he is complete, now. Edward hears that thought and grins, white teeth flashing.

"So now you know what you were missing," Jasper says conversationally.

Edward's eyes darken, and he leans forward again. His arms wrap around Jasper, and his voice responds a little muffled. "I didn't know I could ever feel this way," he says quietly.

Jasper lowers his head to Edward's shoulder and holds him tightly. "You'll never be alone again."

x x x

They talk about things, mostly learning more about the other. Edward reveals that he's heard snippets of Jasper's thoughts over the past few weeks, and Jasper tells Edward about the missing half that he's sensed for a while. Neither of them can be happier about what they've done, what they might end up becoming. But in the same way, neither of them know quite how to deal with Alice.

She walks through the front door only a minute or so after they've finished their most important conversations. Jasper approaches her immediately and takes her hands in his, staring down into her bright eyes.

"Alice," he begins, "I love you. I have never stopped loving you. I don't love you any less, and I never will. I need for you to accept this, my love, because my feelings for Edward are exactly the same as they are for you."

Her face is inscrutable, but her emotions give her away -- she's ecstatic. He's only once felt her this jubilant in his entire life, and that was when he offered to marry her.

Alice decides that she can't pretend any longer, and stands up on her tiptoes to land a kiss on Jasper's lips. "I'm happy for you, Jasper," she says. "I'm glad that you're alive again. These past few weeks you haven't said anything, really, and I was starting to get worried. But you are in love, and I think that's the best way this could have ended, don't you?"

At these words, she lets go of Jasper's hands and walks over to Edward, who's been standing slightly behind him.