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Friday, July 30, 2010

Have you ever gotten to the point where you feel like every area of your life is cluttered and chaotic? I am feeling that right now. Our house is a mess. Not disgusting filthy type mess but just majorly disorganized and inefficient. I think this is spilling over into other things as well. We have been pretty frivolous with our spending lately and I am feeling completely out of control with my weight and eating habits. There I said it...I am an overall mess!! Now I know some of you kind people are going to point out that I just had a baby or that I have 3 kids 3 and under to take care of. While these things are true, they are not the cause of this mess. It is just something that has been building up. I let one area slide and then the next and before I knew it I was feeling buried. But that is about to change. Sometimes it takes me awhile to kick my own butt into gear. Sometimes I have to feel totally dissatisfied with myself to make a change. I hate that I am like that, that I let things go so long, but that is who I am. Something to work on as I continue to try to improve myself.

It felt good to just unload all of this. I will be blogging about specific changes soon but needed to get this off my chest for the moment. Anyone with suggestions on how they keep their chaos in order would be much appreciated. I love hearing how other people get it done, there is a lot to be learned that way.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Breastfeeding that is. Sure, that may not seem like breaking news. Some of you may be thinking, you have a baby, that is implied. But for me it is not. While breastfeeding seems like a minor thing, a thing that millions of women have been doing since the beginning of time, it has been a big deal for me. You see I wasn't able to breastfeed my first two sons. Not exclusively anyway. With Nathan I couldn't seem to make enough milk to keep him happy. I would feed him for 45 minutes and then 45 minutes he would want more. This became physically and emotionally exhausting. I felt like I couldn't provide for my child and that I would be stuck to the couch for the rest of my life. I even tried pumping to increase my supply but could never get more than an ounce. I finally had to supplement with formula. This proved to be the best option as he got what he needed and it took some of the stress off of me. As a first time mom I felt overwhelmed on so many levels this was a much needed solution to what felt like a huge problem.
When Jordan came along I had pretty negative feelings about breastfeeding due to my experience with Nathan but felt like it was something I was supposed to do so went into it intending to give it my best shot. But within a few days after his birth he was hospitalized for jaundice. My milk supply wasn't coming in and he needed to feed to help with the jaundice. Even in my stressed and exhausted state (a 13 month old and a week old in the hospital felt beyond hard!), I tried to keep nursing him. But a very impatient nurse forced a bottle in my hand and told me I had to feed my baby. I caved. I think back now and realize that while it was again for the better in the long run, it sure would have been nice to have some support. Nonetheless, I once again supplemented. At this point I figured I just couldn't breastfeed. I wasn't able to. I remember having a long conversation with my sister in law before she had her daughter telling her how hard and painful it was to breastfeed and how much I hated it and that she shouldn't feel like she has to do it. I really felt that way.
Then Isaiah came along. I again decided to give breastfeeding a shot (what can I say, when I think you are supposed to do something it is hard for me not to...the rules follower part of my personality is hard to overcome). But in my mind I was already convinced it wouldn't work and was giving myself a quick out if I needed it. I stocked up on bottles and my cupboard was full of formula samples in preparation for having to supplement once again. Then he came and I gave it a go. Within 3 or 4 days my milk came in and he seemed pretty satisfied. His checkups showed that his weight gain was what it should be. He began to look a little jaundice and I worried about that but that cleared on its on. Before I know it, 2 or 3 weeks had passed and I was still exclusively breastfeeding. At this point I began to stress every time he got too fussy, worrying he wasn't getting enough to eat. My hormones were also getting the best of me and I was feeling overwhelmed with the duty of being the only one who could feed him. But Jeremy was a great support and I continued on. Isaiah is now 8 weeks old and I haven't had to give him even one bottle of formula. I can honestly say not only is it going well, I am enjoying it. I am actually able to bond with him through the act of feeding him. I didn't have this experience with my other too. It was so painful and hard to feed them that I didn't get know the joy of it. I am thankful that I decided to give it another go. I appreciate the gift of being able to feed my child, it is a special thing that mothers get to experience. I think I was given a glimpse of both sides of this so that I could truly appreciate it. It has also helped me to not pass judgements on others. So often people sit firmly in the breastfeeding or formula feeding camps judging those who choose differently. I have no judgement as I know that sometimes it really isn't a choice. And even when it is, it is probably what is best for mother and child in their situation.
I am hoping to at least nurse him for 6 months if I can make it that long. For now, I am just taking it day by day. I am trying to enjoy what I have, not just in the ability to nurse but in all aspects of life. I am soaking in every minute of baby time as I now know how fleeting it is. I can speak from experience that sleeplessness and all the other not so fun stuff goes away so I don't need to dwell on those now. My third child has really been a blessing to me in so many ways. He is helping me to truly enjoy what I have been given. This is a gift I cherish and hope to be able to apply in other areas of my life.

Monday, July 5, 2010

6 weeks ago today at about this time I was giving birth to Isaiah. In some ways it is so hard to believe that all that time has passed. In other ways, it seems like he has been here forever. He is such a great addition to our family and we are so blessed to have him. He started smiling and cooing in the last week or two...my favorite first. I just love seeing that little face light up and listening to him try to communicate using those beautiful infant sounds. The boys get a huge kick out of listening to him "talk" and try to guess what he is telling us. He is lifting his head when on our shoulders (and then flinging it violently into us...painful for all with that giant head of his!). He is not a fan of tummy time but loves laying on the floor as brothers usually join him. He truly adores his brothers and is instantly mesmerized whenever they are in view. So far they still haven't gotten sick of him and there hasn't been much jealousy. All in all, he is an easy baby. I don't know if it is because this is our 3rd time around or if he just has a more laid back personality. I think it's a little bit of both. He has days where he is clingy and I feel like I can get nothing done which can be maddening but then I remember that this time is so short and soon he will be a big monkey like the other two so I just try to soak it all in. I find myself holding him and just taking in his smell and the feel of him snuggled into my chest. I think with my first two I didn't take the time to enjoy it like I should. I let the hard stuff overwhelm me and I was often looking forward to the next stage. Having been there and had a break in between babies, I am now better able to enjoy the moment (okay, not good at this yet, but BETTER).

Here are some of the many faces of Isaiah...such a silly guy already:

Okay, the last one is slightly creepy...but the smile has been hard to capture so far so we take what we can get. Open mouth, no teeth, pointy turtle tongue pictures and all!