My greatest teenage fear became my greatest adult grief

As a teenager, the fear of pregnancy was engrained. For all my girlfriends growing up, it was one of our greatest fears and a late period was the cause of plenty of angst. No one wanted a pregnancy at such a young age. It was unfathomable to imagine ourselves as mothers. Several months after the event below, I went on the pill and I was on it for the next 15 years.

Extract from my diary dated 24 January 1999:

Yesterday would have had to have been one of the most scary days of my entire life. And I’m still scared. One of my worse fears now to deal with.

I went to R’s. We got straight into it. He went down on me the night before for ages. I tried to give him a headjob but he’s so big or my mouth’s too small. I felt like I was choking.

Anyway, he went down on me, I sucked a little, basically licking everywhere. He put on a condom, rolled me over and entered me. There wasn’t a lot of foreplay. He came. I didn’t, everything was fine, until R pulled out and looked down at the condom. It had a hole in it! All I could say was “Oh my god!” and all he could say was “fuck”.

We both panicked. He got up and dressed really quick. Talking. He just kept talking. He said something about spermicide. Then he said, we have to tell someone. I snapped out of my shock and said “my sister”. I got off the bed and started to dress. He went and got a drink. He couldn’t stop swearing. His eyes looked wet. He tried to hug me and kept apologising. I started bawling. I couldn’t help it. I cried and cried. He couldn’t comfort me. We left his house to find my sister.

In the car, he kept apologising and saying fuck. Eventually I told him to shut up. The closer we got to home, the harder I cried.

I walked straight into my sister’s room and blurted it out. She said “You dickhead”. That was it. She asked me a lot of questions.

This is what she thinks: because it’s right before my period is due, it’s a really good time. Because the hole was small, that decreases the chance the sperm got out. To get the morning after pill I’d have to see a doctor, which I didn’t want to do. So, she thinks, most likely, I’m not going to get pregnant. But I might be. Oh my gawd!

We won’t know until my period’s due which isn’t for three days. Oh my goddess, please let it come. Please let me get my period. I’ve never wanted it so much!

Extract from my diary dated 15 February 1999:

I got my period when I was in Hong Kong, thank Goddess. I don’t know what I would have done if I were pregnant. Probably try to kill myself.