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Red roses on the table when I woke up. Heartfelt card with notes after every sentence, and a ceramic strawberry dish because he knows I love to collect them. Plans to go see a movie in an hour.

It's hard. Not terrible, just heavy. There's some shell around my heart and it's just so hard to break through to it sometimes.

My brain is screaming at me that these gestures are meaningful and I need to hang in there. For DD. For me.

I am a firm believer in R and have seen so many relationships become stronger and better as a result.

I think I just need some encouragement today. I feel more like crying than celebrating, and I know in my heart that Crazz is trying to do as much as he can to show me that he loves me.

It's not easy to stay... but it can be worth it. Just gotta keep trying.

"It is impossible to get a man to understand something if his livelihood depends on him not understanding." - Upton Sinclair

Posts: 23912 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California

HFSSC♀ 33338Member # 33338

Posted: 1:12 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013

(((Jrazz)))

I hope you find your happy today.

Me, 48
Him, 41 (JMSSC)
married 18 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 3338 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina

Jrazz♀ 31349Member # 31349

Posted: 1:17 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013

Thanks HF.

We're had a lot of life stress over the last 6 months, so I'm really going to try and just breathe and enjoy today and take things as they come.

"It is impossible to get a man to understand something if his livelihood depends on him not understanding." - Upton Sinclair

Posts: 23912 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California

hopelessromantic♀ 25415Member # 25415

Posted: 1:20 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013

((Jrazz))

It's not easy to stay... but it can be worth it. Just gotta keep trying.

^^this^^ marriage after affairs is hard work! For *me* as long as my FWS is making the efforts to keep moving us forward and making loving and caring gestures, then it's worth the work and as you say - to keep trying.

Hoping you find the inner peace you need today, and enjoy the movie - together.

PS - it's ok to have that shell around your heart for a while....just not as a permanent fixture.

BS-Me FWS-him (bigdog)
D-Day 5/3/09 TT til 6/22/09
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way.

Posts: 2836 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Midwest

rachelc♀ 30314Member # 30314

Posted: 1:21 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013

((Jrazz))

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”

Posts: 7472 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest

Rocketqueen♀ 38119Member # 38119

Posted: 1:32 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013

Jrazz, my WH and I recently had our 12th wedding anniversary. I did not want to celebrate it or acknowledge it any way and you know what? I regret that.

Wanna know why? I felt that the fact that we are still together and trying should be celebrated and I wish we had.

So be glad that he is trying to make you happy and celebrate that your marriage has survived this long!

Married 6/16/01
10/25/11- trouble in the air
DDay 11/15/11 -she's "just a friend" co-worker
1/18/12 - continued contact - kicked WH out of house
1/29/12 WH admitted to PA
3/7/12 NC letter sent
Working on recovery

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jan 2013

SuperDuperWonderboy♂ 34716Member # 34716

Posted: 1:35 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013

Jrazz,

You have contributed so much to all of us here on SI. It makes me sad that you are struggling on a day that should have been filled with happiness. I wish that you can find joy and hope today.

Happy Anniversary! They can be bittersweet sometimes, but the fact that you and Crazz are present and trying speaks volumes.

Take the day and know you deserve the love, gifts and true effort he is giving to you.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3988 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts

wert♂ 34478Member # 34478

Posted: 2:15 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013

There's some shell around my heart and it's just so hard to break through to it sometimes.

Christ women...that just about broke my heart...mainly because its how I feel every time my W tries to get close.

Let him in...Let it in....I have realized that a life without that love is no life at all. Whole hearted when you believe in it..even if you get burned.

take care...

Posts: 1493 | Registered: Jan 2012

Nailinmyforehead♂ 38427Member # 38427

Posted: 3:05 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013

Happy Anniversary, and I sincerely mean that. FWW and I just celebrated 17 years and I felt the same way. I realized that no matter what- we made it. Same for you and your spouse. It is a milestone and you are doing the hard thing- reconciling. My hat is off to both of you.

"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 137 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio

Rebreather♀ 30817Member # 30817

Posted: 3:27 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013

Maybe it's just a hard candy shell? Try licking it and see what happens.

See if you can pull the shell off for awhile. You can always put it back up. But it would probably feel really good to take it down for a bit. Like how it feels when they use the cheese grater on your feet during a pedicure.

Happy Anniversary.

Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 7148 | Registered: Jan 2011

catlover50♀ 37154Member # 37154

Posted: 3:32 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013

Focus on how hard he is trying--that says a lot.

I hope you have a nice day.

Are you going to see World War Z? That should keep your mind busy!

Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 2023 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast

Jrazz♀ 31349Member # 31349

Posted: 5:26 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful (and hilarious) notes.

We had a very nice time at the movie (Star Trek - FINALLY!!!)

I dropped him back off at work and felt a bit lighter.

Same days I blame his "slip ups" as reasons I can't move forward, but on days like today it's clear to me that I can be so deep in self-protect mode that I'm scared to actually enjoy myself with him.

Still trying to find the balance between what I need to overlook as growing pains and what I need Crazz to bring to the table to make me feel safe. It's a lot of work, and I try to take it one day at a time.

Thanks again for listening.

"It is impossible to get a man to understand something if his livelihood depends on him not understanding." - Upton Sinclair

Posts: 23912 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California

sisoon♂ 31240Member # 31240

Posted: 5:40 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013

Happy anniversary!

I tend to think that the self-protectiveness is wise, and that time, along with lots of trust-building by Crazz (and Mrs. s, in my case), will take care of it.

So enjoy what you can, and looking forward to upping your enjoyment quotient as you go along.

(((Jrazz)))

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 70 (22 in my head), Married 45+, together since 1965, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I'm not an exemplar. I share my own experience because it's all I know.

Posts: 11875 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area

LosferWords♂ 30369Member # 30369

Posted: 6:32 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013

We had a very nice time at the movie (Star Trek - FINALLY!!!)

KAAAAAAAAAAHHHHNNNN!!!!

We finally saw it last week, too!

I'm glad you were able to stay in the moment and enjoy the movie with Crazz. I know how these moments can be bittersweet, and at times heavy as lead.

Hang in there, and Happy Anniversary!

(((Razz's)))

Because It's There - Michael Hedges

Posts: 15442 | Registered: Dec 2010

looking forward♀ 25238Member # 25238

Posted: 6:36 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

>>THIS<<

Just gotta keep trying.

Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
Together almost 48 years.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2994 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it

jo2love♀ 31528Member # 31528

Posted: 6:37 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013

(((Jrazz)))

I hope you have a wonderful day.

Posts: 40944 | Registered: Mar 2011

Jrazz♀ 31349Member # 31349

Posted: 7:26 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013

KAAAAAAAAAAHHHHNNNN!!!!

I'm currently drafting a manifesto about how pissed I am about the ending. I'll have to find a way to give it really good spoiler alerts and then let the people here have a go at it.

"It is impossible to get a man to understand something if his livelihood depends on him not understanding." - Upton Sinclair

Posts: 23912 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California

forgivingnow♀ 33549Member # 33549

Posted: 7:53 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013

(((jrazz))
Happy anniversary year !!!!
Our 30th anniversary was Tuesday & was wonderful. This weekend was to celebrate us, no kids... He's sleeping, I'm watching the sunset, having a glass o wine by myself. Let's just celebrate the whole year, not just one day or moment.
(((Hugs)))

Me-BS 52
FWH-52
M 32 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 672 | Registered: Oct 2011

Skan♀ 35812Member # 35812

Posted: 7:58 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013

Glad that you enjoyed the movie, sorta? That KAAAAAHHHHN remark makes me put the sorta in there! (((hugs))) Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are. So feel what you need to feel and appreciate the loving effort that was expended.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.