If you happened to catch the Barbara Walters Special : “Living Forever” last week you might have noticed that not only was I not on it (so glad I did my best “age” material at Comix several weeks ago), but the people that Babs interviewed that were 100 years old and older happened to be of the Caucasian persuasion; they also seemed to be doing quite well for themselves. Which might lead one to believe that the ever-increasing population of Centagenarians in this country are only rich white people. Now, if this thesis holds true then all you I-fans better get your “I-man Forever” bumper stickers out and all you I-haters better get the hell over it, ‘cause the I-man’s gonna two-step on all our graves. But that’s not the real deal, and you know so if you ever watched Willard Scott on the Today Show with the Smuckers birthday thing. They’ve got old ass people of every ethnic and economic background. I know it’s wrong but all I can think when I see Bueford from Kansas, who’s celebrating his 104th birthday- who not only still drives his tractor but he’s a “whiz at chess”…all I can think, is that it’s old bastards like Bueford that are making Social Security and Medicaid run out for the rest of us! Not to be mean, but just DIE! But nooo, because you had to hang on to see “Indiana Jones Part 4” come out, now I’m gonna be stuck eating sole & shrimp feast flavored cat food and getting my medical treatment from “ask-a-doctor-dot-com”. Before you get your “beehive-buns” and “polyester pants” in a knot- I have nothing against old people. Nooo, I just love when I have to obey the speed limit ‘cause Ma and Pa Kettle traded in their Caddy for a sedan that looks like an unmarked police cruiser. Okay…this is really about my fears, it’s ‘cause I know I’m screwed—I’ve got crazy-old genes in my family. I had a great great aunt who lived to be 103 and a great great uncle who made it to 106. That scares the hell out of me ‘cause I’m already dreading my boobs hitting my knees- I know I’m just gonna lose it when I step on what I think are a pair of jujubees and it’s my nipples. Clearly this is my ego speaking but I don’t care—I plan to stay hip, cool and young for as long as I can. So until Ensure comes in Margarita flavor and Depends makes a thong- I refuse to grow old!