March 2019

Chad (the Dad) on How to Conquer Snot City This Winter

Chad Harris, a stand-up comic and regular contributor to The Mystery Hour, hits the stage as Chad the Dad. This month, he’s answering questions about navigating life in Springfield, Missouri—from a dad’s perspective.

By Chad Harris

It’s so dark out. January is so cold. My kids are driving me crazy.

I get it. Cabin fever is running high, snow days are piling up and technology is corroding everyone’s mind. Time to go old-school and make some magic on your own. Yes, I’m talking about constructing a blanket fort. Attacking cabin fever by building an indoor “cabin” is a solid remedy. Not only do the kids have an activity to accomplish, but parents have some freedom to act as a designer with light touches while the kiddos do the structural build.

Remind the kids that hiding from people is generally frowned upon in society except when you crank out an old-fashioned fort made of household items. The temporary hideout is great for a variety of imaginary games and a fancy way to camp in a new room for the night.

Steps:1. Seriously, you know how to do this.2. Acquire and locate blankets, chairs or a couch.3. After arranging the frame, cover your structure with found materials. Pro tip: Use binder clips or clothespins to batten down the hatches4. Add a secret passage or “dark lair.” 5. Trick it out with lights, a fan, a radio, a screen for movies, etc.6. Make fort destruction fun, too; you can’t have that thing hanging out forever.

How do you teach kids to blow their nose?

Now that the holidays have passed, families across the country are preparing for snotcicle season. Yes, this is the time of year when sheep’s legs and mucus memes appear on kid’s faces to fulfill the prophecy of the snotty soothsayer Nostrildamus.

To fully participate in this joyous occasion, children must realize that the discomfort they feel in their nose is an alarm signaling them to the arrival of a glistening gift that they must discharge and bury deep into the nearest trash receptacle to satisfy the Booger King and Queen of Boogerville. Yet, parting with such sweet slime can be scary to children of many ages. That’s why educating them to resist the urge to sniffle and suck and instead push and release can be a tiresome journey.

My suggestion? Start off in the front, and encourage the child to blow everything they can forward, then isolate to the nose, not the mouth. Then work side to side, blocking one side of the nose for each blow. Good luck and happy snotsicle season to you and yours.

ASK CHAD THE DAD

Chad (the Dad) is a husband, father and comic who realizes it takes a village to raise a child, yet parents can’t dump their kids in the village square where the village idiot becomes a bad influence. He maintains that you should raise your own damn kids to make the world a better place—have fun, but don’t mess it up for the rest of us. Send your questions to him at standup@chadthedadharris.com. C(TD) is not a parenting expert, holds no relevant degrees and claims not to provide helpful advice.