Here we are at episode 2, and a group date that had the ladies posing for fundraising photos with mutts ended with El Bachelor getting a ride on el tren loco, i.e. the crazy train.

The drama came courtesy of Victoria, a 24-year-old legal assistant who overindulged in wine during the group date cocktail party then locked herself crying in a washroom stall, presumably because Juan Pablo Galavis didn’t declare his undying love the minute he saw her weaving toward him spilling out of her bikini.

How do you say “whatever” in Spanish?

Those weren’t the only tears shed in Monday’s episode.

Cassandra, a 21-year-old described as a former NBA dancer, acted like telling Juan Pablo about her 2-year-old son was akin to telling him she’d kicked the puppy she’d been posing with. Hello, the guy’s a single dad.

Then, thoughts of said son had her contemplating bolting the Bachelor mansion until fellow single mom Renee and Juan Pablo talked her down.

Assistant district attorney Andi, 26, also had a meltdown, mainly a tearless one, over being asked to pose virtually nude in the Models N’ Mutts photo shoot.

And then we had the opposite of sad and tearful: “free spirit” Lucy, 24, cheerfully agreed to get nekkid in place of Elise, another shy model, and strutted down a Hollywood street starkers with her borrowed dog.

That’s a lot of flesh even for The Bachelor.

Otherwise, the episode was the usual combination of dates, kisses, hugs, women ogling Juan Pablo, rhapsodizing about his attributes (Chantel even called him perfect) and declaring they could possibly, definitely, maybe be falling for him.

Here’s a look at how it went down.

Date No. 1, one on one with Clare: Clare, a 32-year-old hairstylist who bears a slight resemblance to Veronica Bell, left her fake baby bump behind for the season’s first individual date. Had she brought it, it might have come in handy as a toboggan. Juan Pablo drove her, blindfolded, to a winter wonderland in the middle of L.A. complete with fake snow and pine trees, toboggan hills and a skating rink.

“I love doing surprises, so being El Bachelor makes me give a lot of surprises,” said Juan Pablo, lowering his voice to a whisper on “El Bachelor.”

Clare appeared delighted judging by all the laughing and squealing she did (something hard to fathom for a Canadian already sick of real snow) and declared the date “a perfect fairy tale.”

It got even more perfect once she and Juan Pablo got into the hot tub.

“I’m, like, watching this, like, amazing body slither into the spa. Please help me get control of myself,” said Clare.

Cue the obligatory sentimental confession, in this case, Clare telling JP that she turned into “an ice queen” when her father died, who was the “perfect mixture of a gentleman and a strong man.”

“If you have a father who treats you like a princess, you want a man who treats you like a princess,” Juan Pablo said approvingly.

And, of course, princesses get roses and smooches. Clare got both and then was whisked off, with a sweater over her bikini, to slow dance to live music from Josh Krajcik, the runner-up from Season 1 of The X Factor.

“When I look into Juan Pablo’s eyes, it occurs to me that I could definitely be falling for this guy,” Clare said. It occurs to me that’s exactly the sort of half-assed affirmation we expect on a first date.

Her last word was this groaner: “I can only hope tonight is literally the tip of the iceberg for the rest of this journey.” Get it? Snow? Icebergs?

Clare gets my vote as sweet contestant most likely to be blindsided in the final three, if not sooner.

Date No. 2, one on one with Kat: You’ll recall Kat is the medical sales rep and proclaimed dancer who asked Juan Pablo for a salsa lesson her first night at the mansion. Juan Pablo said her dance background made her perfect for his second surprise date.

When he emerged from behind the curtain of their private jet with neon pink, green and blue clothing for Kat to change into, with piping that glowed in the dark and a glow stick accessory, I thought, “He’s taking her to a rave?”

Not exactly. Their date was the Electric Run in Salt Lake City, Utah, a 5K event that combines running with a massive dance party.

Kat said there was “a lot of electricity between Juan Pablo and I” (careful, or that bad metaphor will smack you right between the eyes) and she wanted to “grab him and plant one on him.”

That proved kind of hard to do in a sea of people, especially when Kat was presented with the date rose on a very public stage in front of the crowd. She had to settle for hugs, a cheek kiss and a bit of hoochie dancing.

Date No. 3, with Chelsie, Christy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria and Lucy: The girls figured out in the limo that the date card’s exhortation to “Say cheese” meant they were going to a photo shoot. Duh. Turned out they’d be posing with dogs looking for homes via Mutts N’ Models on behalf of Best Friends Animal Society, which saves dogs from being killed in shelters.

Lucy, who still had clothes on at that point, said of the scene: “There was some sex, there was a lot of pooping, there was disorder.” She meant the dogs, but it’s not a bad summary of a typical Bachelor season.

The bachelorettes were fine with the animals; it was the wardrobes that had them barking.

While some women got to put on bikinis and slinky dresses and snuggle with Juan Pablo, others had to don bizarre gear that matched their dog partners, like a giant afro wig for Chelsie and spotted body paint and a skull cap for Kelly (whose own dog, Molly, is still at the mansion and adorably delivered one of the date cards in her mouth).

The unhappiest campers were Elise, a first-grade teacher, and Andi, whose costumes were small placards and “a smile,” as the not very helpful photo director told Elise.

“A photo shoot is just not my comfort zone, and being naked is not my comfort zone; putting both of them together is just another level of uncomfortableness,” complained Andi. “I mean, I send people to jail every day for a living. What am I going to do?”

Elise was rescued by Lucy, who traded her fire-hydrant costume for Elise’s placard. “I was happy to take my top off as always,” said Lucy, just before we saw her walking down the street nude as passing cars honked their appreciation.

Andi was rescued by Juan Pablo, who told her in a very nice way to suck it up, saying he’d be naked along with her.

Elise, whose desire to be a role model to her students didn’t extend to quitting while she was ahead, complained that she hated the fire-hydrant outfit. Kelly’s bitchy reaction: “Are you kidding? Play the f---ing hydrant and shut the f--- up, seriously.”

But nudity and snarkiness were but small hors d’oeuvres. The main course was served at the cocktail party, where Victoria downed several glasses of wine (at least) and started acting, in Nikki’s words, “a little hammered and crazy.”

Ya think? How about the interview she gave where she slurred out the line, “If Juan Pablo just so happens to be mine, I’m gonna straddle him every day.” OK, then.

Victoria eventually stripped down to her bikini, suggestively thrust her pelvis in the pool and slurred, “Juan Pablo is my boyfriend. Today I gave him the Heimlich manoeuvre. I saved his life. I should totally get a rose for that.”

Victoria lurched off in search of Juan Pablo, who was canoodling with Nikki, but she cut short her own sabotage of Nikki’s one-on-one time, retreating to a bathroom stall where she cried and told designated mother hen Renee she wanted to go home.

She even tried to make an escape, dressed only in her bikini and a shirt, but a producer refused to let her leave without a plane ticket home or at least a taxi ride. At that, Victoria ran back to the bathroom stall and refused to come out, even for Juan Pablo.

So JP got on with the business of giving out the date rose, to Kelly for being “the best sport,” Victoria was taken to a hotel and the next day, Juan Pablo gave her her walking papers.

Victoria admitted she drank too much and “overreacted a little” to all the competition.

“I guess I should apologize for setting off the crazy train. Welcome to Brazil,” said Victoria, who’s originally from Porto Alegre, Brazil.

JP was kind and sympathetic, saying he knows appearing on the show is a “weird situation” and not easy, but “I’m 32 with a daughter looking for somebody . . . so for me, my family, the rightest thing to do is not even wait for the rose ceremony and say goodbye now.”

Back at the Mansion: Reporter Amy L. didn’t get a date, so she bizarrely decided the way to Juan’s heart was to stage a fake TV news story during her one-on-one time and fish for compliments by talking about herself in the third person.

Sharleen, the opera singer from Ottawa, apologized to Juan Pablo for being rude when he gave her the first-impression rose the first night at the mansion.

“I first want to apologize for being so ungracious when you gave me the rose the other night. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so surprised in my life,” she told him.

She explained that she found the other women intimidating and that “it’s weirdly nerve-wracking talking to you,” which seemed to counteract whatever good she’d done with her apology. Juan Pablo offered to stop looking at Sharleen, but she said “that’s one of the things that makes it OK.” Phew, nice recovery.

Finally, Cassandra was in tears because she was missing her son and wasn’t confident enough in her connection with Juan Pablo to know if it was worth staying.

Renee led her to a palatial bathroom for a pep talk and then Juan Pablo came in.

Obviously, he couldn’t make any promises about who he’d end up. “It’s a process for me also because I have so many people that have to talk and figure it out, but I see you and Renee different from anybody else,” he said. “If I don’t see something (in you), I’ll tell you right away.”

Crisis averted, for now.

The Rose Ceremony: Well, obviously Cassandra got the first rose. That was a no-brainer.

The second went to Nikki, whose looks and nursing job Juan Pablo is rather taken with. Then it was Andi, Elise, Sharleen (who cheekily responded to the proffered rose with, “Sure”), Renee, Danielle (really? did Juan Pablo say a word to her all episode?), Lucy (who’s starting to grow on me), Alli, Chelsie, Lauren and Christy.

That meant Amy and Chantel were done, along with Victoria.

And that leaves 15 women vying for roses next week.

The promos show Juan Pablo going bungee jumping, jumping off a boat, having a soccer-themed group date, kissing Cassandra (a lot) and kissing Sharleen, too. And Elise says Chelsie is a girl, not a woman, and Kelly calls someone a whore.

That’s Monday, Jan. 20, at 8 p.m. on OMNI. But before we get to that, we have the special The Bachelor: Bachelor Love Stories, which is ABC’s way of saying “People can so find love on a TV show” by reuniting viewers with Des and Chris, Jason and Molly, Sean and Catherine, and Trista and Ryan, celebrating their 10th anniversary (maybe have a hanky in reserve for that one). It airs Sunday, Jan. 19, at 8 p.m. on OMNI.

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