Actor – Writer – Comedian

A Word About My Graphic Tees

Uh, Blendman, a word?

Yes, it’s about that comment you made by the Keurig. Yes, that Keuirg. You see, I appreciate that you like my shirt. Why, yes, it is Earthworm Jim, the Super Nintendo game character turned short-lived Saturday morning cartoon.

You see, Blendman, I wear these shirts to express myself and make myself stand out from the crowd. I don’t wear them to have them commented on.

I’m not good at speech, Blendman. The words, I don’t find them. I frequently find myself in a sea of people more equipped in the brains to say things that make me think That There Is A Presidential Nominee or I Wish I Talked That Way. I’m not one of those people, Blendman.

I search the Internet late at night, sipping a bourbon, and sipping a coconut, and thinking to myself What could I do to make myself better known to the Presidential Candidates of Funnytown With Whom I Am Employed?

So I buy these shirts, Blendman. This one was made by a user named CaptainOverpants in Spokane and hosted on a website called GagBubble. I search deep, deep in the crevices of unlicensed merchandise so that I might wear these shirts at work and have my best friends in my whole life observe it and truly know me.

But don’t comment on them, or ask where I got them, or what does it mean, or is that a clif bar shirt. Did you see the way Ariel looked at my shirt? She deftly left the break room the moment I entered because my countenance was so individualistic that to acknowledge it further would drive her to madness and lead her to smash her daughter’s macaroni art in unbridled joy.