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What We Say vs. What Parents Really Need to Hear

I was just thinking today that there is a total disconnect, at times, between what we tell other parents versus what they really need to hear. For example, today I was privy to a prompt asking, “What is something every parent needs to hear?” Only a few people had responded at that time and the responses included:

“You’re doing a good job.”

“You’re enough.”

“You got this.”

Do you want to know what my response was? I responded with:

“I brought you a cocktail.”

Not sure how my response was received by the question-poser or the audience, but I sure got a kick out of it. It also made me feel really good to just be honest — not fake, not idealistic, not proper — just genuine and raw…oh, and funny…because since my family doesn’t think I’m funny, I’m always hoping a group of online strangers will.

Of course, the other responders are right. Of course, it is helpful to me when a supportive onlooker reminds me that “I am enough” as a mother. It feels amazing to be on the receiving end of unexpected encouragement and to be told that “you’re doing a good job.” And an unsolicited “you got this” when your child is mid-tantrum can do wonders for a mother’s self-esteem.

Yet, I feel as though positive pronouncements aren’t always the most effective, nor are they always genuinely well-received. I will tell you this — I get more support/encouragement/empathy (whatever it is you want to call it) from people when they speak from the heart, when they speak with specifics, and when they make me laugh.

Here is a list of common, thought-to-be supportive comments you may receive as a parent from onlookers or other parents, as well as what I believe some of us prefer to hear instead:

What they say to you: “You’re doing a good job.”

What you would prefer to hear: “It’s okay, we are all fudgin’ this up.”

_

What they say to you: “You’re enough.”

What you would prefer to hear: “You are right — you are a mess. But, you are a beautiful mess!”

_

What they say to you: “You got this.”

What you would prefer to hear: “You might fudge this moment up, but your kid will turn out just fine.”

_

What they say to you: “You are supermom.”

What you would prefer to hear: “I know you are faking it and I admire that.”

_

What they say to you: “Your kids are so well-behaved and well-mannered.”

What you would prefer to hear: “I know your kids are little monsters just like mine, but they are containing their crazy pretty well today.”

_

What they say to you: “How do you do it all?”

What you would prefer to hear: “Oh, you don’t do it all? Neither do I!”

_

What they say to you: “Your house is so clean compared to mine.”

What you would prefer to hear: “Ha! You shove your kids’ toys in the closet and bins just like me!”

_

What they say to you: “You seem so relaxed.”

What you would prefer to hear: “Did you drink wine this morning?”

_

What they say to you: “Your husband and you seem to have such a balanced partnership.”

What you would prefer to hear: “Being married with kids is really freakin’ hard, right?”

_

What they say to you: “It won’t be like this forever.”

What you would prefer to hear: “You will feel like this forever. You are a parent. That is what parenthood is all about.”

So, what do you think? Anyone else with me on this? Anyone else prefer to have more authentic, embarrassing, and at times ridiculous conversations with one another instead of on-the-surface banter?

Nicole Merritt is a mother of three and the Owner and Founder of jthreeNMe, an imperfectly authentic peek at real-life marriage, parenting, and self-improvement. jthreeNMe is raw, honest, empowering, inspiring, and entertaining; it’s like chicken soup for those that are exhausted, over-stressed and under-inebriated, yet still utterly happy. Nicole’s work has been featured by Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, BLUNTmoms, Thought Catalog, Everyday Family, Sammiches & Pysch Meds, FamilyShare, Motherly & many others. You can follow Nicole at jthreeNMe.com and as @jthreenme on Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram & Twitter!

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