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It has come to my attention that I pee too fast. This notion occurred to me when I was on a first date a couple months ago (a bad one, too) and emerged from the bathroom much too quickly. I think he made some sort of joke about me not actually being my gender. It was awkward. The main issue with having a urine stream that moves at G650 speeds is that people assume you didn’t wash your hands. And I just can’t have that. It’s false, it’s offensive, it’s downright dirty. So I think it’s time to improve my bathroom cred. How, you ask? By extending my stay in there. If you, too, suffer from extreme bathroom efficiency, keep reading. Because the below list is of suggested additional activities you can do to stretch your lavatory hang out, when in social situations. Do keep in mind, though, that the suggestions will depend on the environment, and therefore cannot all be carried out in a public restroom:

1. Wash your hands twice. Especially if you’re using foam soap. Then moisturize. This is my most practical suggestion, and one I’ve even started using. Extra clean hands will also be extra dry. So if you don’t want your skin to look like you’ve been dead for three years, DO moisturize.

2. Clean the toilet. It’s like a secret ‘thank you for having me over’ gift. And once you’ve performed an undercover act of kindness, it justifies a second trip to the bathroom later on, should you require one.

3. Take a mini nap while you’re on the loo. My sister suggests taking the nap IN the toilet. I embrace this concept, but only if you are at a truly awful party and are avoiding the other attendees, permanently.

4. Wear a complicated outfit. For example, wear pants that zip, button, and clip. That should tack on a good 5 seconds. Or wear multiple shirts, one of which needs to be tucked in. There’s another 3 seconds.

5. Multipurpose that toilet paper: blow your nose and clean out some ear wax. Who needs tissues and Q-tips anyways.

6. Think ‘Toilette,’ not ‘Toilet.’ As in, to borrow from The Free Online Dictionary, ‘the act of dressing or grooming oneself.’ Why not try accessorizing with the hand towel as a scarf? Find the mouthwash; use it. Brush your hair. Pluck your eyebrows. Floss.

7. Write a nice message on the sink using toothpaste. I’ll leave the rest up to you.

8. Forget the environment. Use multiple paper towels. Make sure your hands are dryer than Bill Clinton’s throat after his 1988 speech at the Democratic National Convention. But don’t forget the sewer system, please, all kidding aside for a brief half-moment. I just attended a training course on non-wovens at INDA in Carey, NC for work, where the instructors emphasized that only toilet paper is to be flushed. All other materials, especially paper towels, do not deteriorate enough for the sewer system to handle them.

And back to sheer bathroom fun:

9. Recite something out loud. The alphabet backwards is much too complicated for me. But perhaps the chorus to your favorite song could work, or better yet some hilarious rap lyrics, such as these ones from Deuces feat T.I. et al: “Your wrist and fingers glisten ice cold like Michigan.”

10. Start munching on that snack you packed, just to prevent any occurrence of food insecurity.

Speaking of snacks, which are defined in part as ‘light meals’ by Dictionary.com (yeah, I read more than one online dictionary), salad fits the bill. The following is an adaptation of the Blackened Beef Tenderloin salad at Bravo, a restaurant right here in Jackson.

HD’S BLACKENED BEEF TENDERLOIN SALAD (Servings: 1)

INGREDIENTS:

-Mixed Greens (i.e. ‘Spring Mix’ salad bag)

– 2 oz.. skirt steak (I found a package of thinly sliced pieces of skirt steak at Kroger, so all I had to do was cut these pieces into strips)

-Spices: salt, minced garlic, onion powder, chili powder

-Handful of cherry tomatoes

-2 oz. fresh mozzarella cheese

-2 Tbs. dried cherries

-2 Tbs. light balsamic vinaigrette

DIRECTIONS:

Cut the skirt steak into strips. Heat small amount of water in a pan. Sprinkle salt, minced garlic, onion powder, and chili powder into pan. Add steak strips and cook until desired amount done. Season to taste as you cook. Next, halve the cherry tomatoes and cube the mozzarella cheese. Add steak, tomato, cheese, dried cherries, and dressing to mixed greens. Enjoy!

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[…] There’s no such thing as a free dance party. The resort provided minimal nighttime entertainment, exempting one brief, pirate-themed soirée, because they had relationships with local clubs. Fit a hip shake or toe tap in when you can, unless it’s worth $45 to be immobilized alongside 7,000 Mexicanos at La Ciudad. According to our sources (two Daytonian male college students), the human blockade surrounding your table is no biggie, as long as your bladder’s empty, you’re OK with sharing a bottle of wine, and DJ Marshmello is front and center. Ok, ok, we reluctantly admit that Deej Marsh sounds like the real deal – listen to his remix of ‘Where are U Now’ here – but as we all know I can’t be barred from bathroom access for more than twenty minutes. […]