Tag Archives: resilience

I was in a weekly session of talk therapy when my psychologist said, “You didn’t learn about self-compassion in your childhood.” Tears welled up in my eyes. Just hearing that sentence soothed me. My head was like a boxing match — me against me. And he understood. I was in my mid-20s at the time, and my mind was a hostile place of self-criticism, brooding, and self-loathing. Unfortunately, my inner critic accompanied me everywhere.

I had this incredible talent of quickly identifying the best traits in others, while knocking myself down with the worst traits in me. My parents were extremely critical and now they were in my head. “You aren’t even close to kind to yourself,” my psychologist said. He helped me realize my ability to comfort myself didn’t even exist.

It was a pivotal moment for me in therapy. Of course life felt hard. I was beating myself up all the time! Why did I easily have compassion and kindness for others (including my own pets) and have none for me?

Living without self-compassion is like driving a car you never take in for regular maintenance. Eventually your car won’t work right and it breaks down. Self-compassion is an emotional tool that builds resilience and mental toughness. With practice, self-compassion can build up your inner strength and ward off depression and anxiety.

Here are five ways self-compassion can turn a painful life into a happy one.

1. Your head shifts from foe to friend. Compassion is kindness. When things don’t go right, you coach yourself back up again. You are gentle with yourself. Don’t replay events endlessly in your head to make yourself feel crappy. You talk to yourself in kind ways and say things like, “I did the best I could in the moment with the knowledge I had at the time.” Give yourself support and encouraging words. Drop the negative voice who scrutinizes your every move, and be a friend to yourself. Most of us operate better when someone believes in us. Let that someone be you.

Try my emotional toolkit for life’s ups and downs.

When I was in my 20s, I just wanted to stay in bed and cry. I had a journalism degree but worked as an administrative assistant and a waitress. A rough childhood with an alcoholic mother made me think I couldn’t do any better. I had an apartment that I shared with a friend, but depression left me feeling lost and hopeless. Desperately wanting to feel differently, I made an appointment with a psychologist.

My psychologist was funny and blunt. After a long psychological assessment, he described me back to me: “Chronic depression; fear of abandonment; angry but you have a difficult time expressing it; people pleaser.” That hurt, but it also hit home.

Talk therapy helped me because I finally felt heard and understood what was happening inside my head. I’d drive home from those appointments and write down everything I could remember. I wanted to study my way out of depression’s dark grip. Slowly, I started to feel strong. My solution wasn’t a quick fix, but I came away from therapy with an emotional toolkit that has stood the test of time. Here are some of the things I’ve learned:

1. Practice self-compassion

Would you treat a friend the way you treat yourself? When I was depressed, I condemned myself for normal human flaws. Start treating yourself in the same compassionate way you would treat a child or close friend. Give yourself a soft place to land when things don’t go right or something doesn’t work out.

I was in my early twenties, and I knew something was wrong with me. I was too uncomfortable with myself to even enjoy just one night alone. I worried something might happen that I couldn’t handle. So I spent a lot of time losing myself in T.V., food or dating bad men. I was afraid to be quiet with my own thoughts, and had about zero ability to comfort myself.

The healthiest thought I had was knowing that I needed help. Tired of feeling deeply alone, I found a psychologist who fired a gazillion questions at me in hour one on the first session.

He didn’t accept patients unless he knew he could help them. He was blunt and kind of a smart ass. I didn’t know it at the time, but it was my day one of digging my way out of the crushing hole that is depression.

I answered a gazillion more written questions in a standardized psychological assessment about my tumultuous childhood and about me. Around session three, he described me back to me: chronic depression, fear of abandonment, angry but afraid to show it, and lack of boundaries in relationships (people pleaser).

With talk therapy one hour a week for several years, my depression became a thing of the past. My solution wasn’t a quick fix, but it has been lasting.

Call me a student of depression. I’d drive home from those sessions, type up things he said while still fresh in my mind, and place my notes in a three-ring binder. I slowly got healthier, and life got better. I hope what I learned can help you too.

Here are five lasting changes in how you think and behave that will help you heal from depression.

While we all might desire the kind of holiday perfection we see in a TV movie or all over Pinterest, we will inevitably fall short. We live in the real world, after all, not in the movies or someone’s whitewashed home-crafting highlight reel.

It can be even harder to make holiday magic when you know you have a truly dysfunctional family. We turned to a few of our experts to find out how you can enjoy your holidays without letting the humbugs ruin your plans.

Ask the experts

“Holidays are tough,” says Connie Podesta, author of Life Would Be Easy If It Weren’t For Other People. “You’ve got high expectations, childhood memories we either want to duplicate or totally forget. And we have family members that literally drive us crazy, all smashed together at a table eating lots of carbs and sugar. It’s a recipe for disaster.”

And Pat Pearson, clinical psychotherapist and author of Stop Self-Sabotage, says it’s important to remember that, come holiday time, no one has changed. People on the whole stay who they are. So, what do you do?

1. Don’t expect to heal old wounds

Don’t use holidays as a time or place to repair old childhood wounds, Connie suggests. With difficult family, keep conversation simple. Don’t start a debate or get drawn into their drama. If you can’t answer without wanting to lash out, then just excuse yourself from the conversation and don’t come back. Don’t apologize, defend yourself or make excuses. Just hang near the people you like and that like you. Also, don’t forget to breathe.

If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s this: Your life won’t work until you do. So much of what you want to accomplish with your health, fitness and personal goals all depends on the state of your mind. If you let your inner critic run wild, you trip up; we all do. In fact, thinking you can’t do something is the fastest way to weaken your mental state, depleting your energy and drive. Capture a “can do” spirit by using these tips to end the year (and start the next one) mentally strong.

1. Set specific goals.

Setting goals helps mental resilience as you feel your best when invested in a target that demands your focus and pushes you beyond your comfort zone. Once you achieve a goal, belief in your abilities soars. Your resolve for new goals is strengthened because you think: “I did ______, so I can totally do ________.” Get specific and set concrete goals with action steps. New Year’s Resolutions tend to be general and vague, like “lose weight” or “drink less wine.” Instead, try: “Sign up to run my first 5k in March and do the Couch to 5k program to prepare.” Or, “Lose the last 10 pounds by giving up sweets during the work week and by working out six days a week.” Or maybe: “Only indulge in red wine on the weekend as a planned treat.” Whatever the goal, be very specific and create a plan of action.

2. Write down successes.

The end of the year is a natural time to reflect and think about what you want to improve upon in the year ahead. But before you focus on change, focus on your successes this past year. Sometimes we skate right by all of the things we’ve accomplished or improved upon because we quickly move to what’s next. Stop and celebrate you before you move on to next year. What are your 2015 wins? What challenges did you take on? What did you accomplish? Make a list of highlights and the steps you took that you are most proud of. Ruminating in your wins is like drinking a tall glass of self-confidence. Cheers!

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About Me

I have a passion for writing about personal growth, happiness, wellness and fitness. I live in the picturesque mountain town of Asheville, North Carolina with my two beautiful twin girls Sydney and Riley and the love-of-my-life, my husband, Reed Bilbray. When I am not chasing our girls, I love reading, jogging, drinking red wine, and baking.