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THE BEASMAN cats now righteous
WELL CARDINAL BOY, THE WORLD DONE GOT BACK ON ITS AXLE. Y’ALL SUCK AGAIN AND THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS DOMMERATED ALABAMMER. SO THE STREAK IS DEAD AND GONE AND US CAT FANS IS BACK TO TAUNTIN LOSERS LIKE YOU. PLUS, COACH CAL DON’T GOTTA MOVE INTO BILLY CLYDE’S BASEMENT AND THE REST OF COLLEGE BASKETBAW TEAMS IS A-SHAKIN IN THEIR BOOTS KNOWIN THAT THE CATS IS GITTIN READY TO CRUSH EVER FOOL IN THEIR WAY OF THE NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIPS.

MEANTIME, U OF SMELL GOT CRUSHED LIKE A BUG BY NARTH CARAMALINER, A SCHOOL THAT’S SMART ENOUGH TO INTIMERDATE THE NC2A FROM GIVIN EM NO PENALTIES. THEM TURD HEELS SLAPPED THE CARDINAL CONVICTS LIKE THEY WAS RAG DOLLS IN A HURRICANE. LARRY, Y’ALL TWO BIT, SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, GOLD TOOTH, NECK TATTOO, WELFARE QUEEN, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, DRIVE BY SHOOTIN LOSERVILLE THUGS AIN’T GOT NOTHIN BUT TROUBLE AHEAD NOW.

THE NC2A IS BRINGIN THE HAMMER DOWN ON YOUR FAKE NEWS BANNER. TOMMY TURTLENECK AIN’T GONNA WIN NO LAWSUIT TO GIT PAID AND YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK OWES THEM MONEY. SLICK IS A KNOWN CHEATER SO HE OWES ALL YOU STUPID CARDINAL FANS REE-FUNDS ON ALL THEM TICKETS AND POSTERS Y’ALL BOUGHT THINKIN YOU WAS SUPPORTIN A LEGITERMATE TEAM.

SLICK RICK IS THE BERNIE MADOFF OF COLLEGE COACHES. HE WAS RUNNIN A PONZI SCHEME OF LIES, STRIPPERS, AND PAYOFFS TO RECRUITS. OH, AND I HEARED YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK GOT HIS EYEBALL POKED OUT BY A JEALOUS HUSBAND WHO CAUGHT SLICK LOOKIN AT HIS WIFE’S SHART SHARTS. IT WEREN’T A DEE-TACHED RETINA…IT WAS A DEE-TACHED JAW AFTER THAT HUSBAND GOT A-HOLT OF HIM. LARRY, WHY CAINT YOU LOSERVILLE PEOPLE CHEER FOR HONEST COACHES? BOBBY PETRINKO IS A RAT FINK AND YOU KNOW HE’S GONNA GIT RUN OFF NEXT.

COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – COACH CAL IS HONEST JOHN. HE DON’T BREAK NO RULES AND SO THAT’S WHY U UH KAY GOES THROUGH SOME DOWN YEARS LIKE THIS ONE. WE DON’T CHEAT LIKE SLICK TRIED TO DO IN LOSERVILLE. AND COACH CAL DON’T LIE TO HIS PLAYERS LIKE SLICK DID. WHAT DID SLICK RICK SAY TO DONNERVAN MITCHELL LAST YEAR? HE SAID, “OH SON. STAY IN SCHOOL. YOU AIN’T READY TO GO TO NO BIGTIME NBA.” WELL…LOOKY AT WHO WON THE NBA SLAM DUNK CONTEST!

IT WAS THE SAME GUY THAT SLICK RICK BADGERED TO STAY AT LOSERVILLE. WELL WHO’S THE SMART GUY NOW? DONNERVAN MITCHELL IS THE NBA ROOKIE OF THE YEAR AND SLICK RICK IS WORKING AS A GREETER AT WAL-MART SO HE GOT HEALTH INSURANCE TO PAY OFF HIS POKED-OUT EYEBALL! WAKE UP, LARRY! THESE CATS IS COMIN BACK AND YOU U OF SMELLER’S BOUT TO GIT THE DEATH PENALTY SO YOU CAINT PLAY FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS. LARRY, LEXINUN WANTS TO BE A SANCTUARY CITY TO ALL YOU WAYWARD, BROKE DOWN CARDINAL FANS WHO AIN’T GOT NOTHIN BUT THE UGLY U OF SMELL SHIRT ON YOUR BACK.

Y’ALL U OF SMELL HOBOs NEED TO COME OVER TO LEXINUN AND LET US GIVE YOU A FREE BIG BLUE NATION SHIRT AND LET Y’ALL SPEND A FEW YEARS BEIN OUR JANITORS AND HARSE STALL POOP SCOOPERS. AND IF YOU WORK REAL HARD AND LEARN HOW TO SAY “GO BIG BLUE,” YOUR PATHETIC LIFE OF BEIN A U OF SMELL FRAUD CAN BE OVER AND BEHIND YOU.

YOU CAN THRIVE IN LEXINUN AS A SERVANT TO LIFETIME TRUE BLUE FANS WHO WON’T HATE YOU SO MUCH NO MORE CUZ WE IS GOOD AND CLASSY! AND IF YOU DEE-CIDE TO GO ON BEIN A STUPID U OF SMELL FAN WITH NO FUTURE, GO AHEAD. AFTER DUKE GITS THROUGH WITH YOU, Y’ALL GONNA BE BLOODIED UP TWICE AS BAD AS NARTH CARAMALINER DONE DID TO YOU. GO DUKE! GO DUKIES! BEAT THEM ROTTEN CARDINAL BIRDS! CAT FANS LOVE DUKE THIS WEEK AND THIS WEEK ONLY! AWWWWWW D-U-K-E DUKE! DUKE! DUKE!

THE BEASMAN cats losing streak
I HATE YOU AND EVERTHANG YOU STAND FOR, YOU CROSS EYED, SNAGGLE TOOTH, LYIN, TRAITOR TURNCOAT, USED TO BE A WILDCAT BUT NOW YOU IS A PHONEY BLONEY, SLICK RICK BUTTKISSIN CARDINAL FRAUD. (cry) COACH CAL SAYS AINT NO CRYIN ON THE YACHT, BUT DADGUMMIT, THE YACHT IS SINKIN! DOES THE WATER GOTTA GIT TO MY NECK BEFORE I START CRYIN? (cry) I CAINT BLEEVE MY PRECIOUS KENTUCKY WILDCATS DONE LOSTED THREE IN A ROW AND EIGHT GAMES ALL SEASON. DADGUMMIT, COACH CAL IS THE NEW TEN LOSS TUBBY.

(cry) MAYBE COACH CAL IS CRAZY WITH THE FLU AND AIN’T IN HIS RIGHT MIND. HE SAYS THE WILDCATS LET GO OF THE ROPE. WELL SAVE THAT ROPE CUZ WE MIGHT HANG COACH CAL WITH IT. (cry) MEANTIME THEM ROTTEN U OF SMELLERS DONE BEAT SOMEBODY BY FARDY POINTS YESTERDEE WHILE ALL US CAT FANS WAS LAYIN IN BED ALL DAY CRYIN AFTER TEXAS A&P THUMPED U UH KAY.

(cry) EVEN OUR PASTOR CANCELLED CHURCH CUZ HE SAID GOD HATES U UH KAY. LIFE WAS SO GOOD A MONTH AGO WHEN ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS WAS TAUNTIN U OF SMELLERS ABOUT THEM GITTIN THE DEATH PENALTY AND HOW U UH KAY WAS GONNA WIN IT ALL. NOW THE FBI DONE BOTCHED THE SHOE INVESTERGATION AND U UH KAY CAN’T WHOOP A TEAM OF MIDGETS.

(cry) WHAT HAPPENED, GOD? WHAT DID U UH KAY DO TO DEE-SERVE THIS KIND OF SMITIN’? COACH CAL SAYS HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY BUT MAYBE HE’S JUST GOIN BEHIND THE CHURCH TO DRINK COMMUNION WINE AND MAKE CRAZY DEE-CISIONS ABOUT WHO SHOULD START FOR THE CATS. SOBER UP, COACH CAL. WE NEED YOU TO GIT THIS BIG BLUE NATION PROUD AGAIN SO WE CAN TAUNT OTHER PEOPLE. RIGHT NOW IF WE HOLD UP THE 3 GOGGLES SIGN PEOPLE THINK WE IS MOURNIN OUR LOSIN STREAK. GIT BACK ON THE BANDWAGON, GOD. US CAT FANS IS GOOD AND CLASSY, PLUS PURDY RELIGIOUS, TOO, SO HELP COACH CAL FIGGER OUT HOW TO COACH!

Getting out of a skid starts one step at a time, one day at a time.

"All I want them to worry about is today. Don’t worry about tomorrow, next week, the following week, the conference tournament. Just worry about today." – @UKCoachCalipari

COACH CAL SAID HE WAS PUTTIN IN A TWEAK. WELL WHERE IS IT? WHAT’S YOUR NEXT BIG IDEA…TO START THE CHEERLEADERS? PUT DOWN THAT COUGH SYRUP AND YOUR BRAIN BOX WORKIN RIGHT, COACH CAL, OR WE GONNA FIRE YOU AND GIVE THE JOB TO KINNY SKY WALKER! THESE AIN’T YOUR GRAMPA’S KENTUCKY WILDCATS. YOUR GRAMPA’S KENTUCKY WILDCATS NEVER LOSTED 3 DADGUM GAMES IN A ROW!

(cry) ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS NEED TO GIT CHEERED UP, AND IT ALL STARTS TONIGHT. THE U OF SMELL GIRLS IS UP THERE TO GET WHACKED BY THEM CONNECTICUT THUG HUSLY LADIES. AND THEN THE U OF SMELL MEN GONNA GIT BEAT DOWN BY NARTH CARAMALINER, THEN DUKE, THEN VIRGINNY IS GONNA KNOCK THEIR JOCKS OFF ONE MORE TIME…SO THAT’S ALL GOOD (laffs) SO US CAT FANS CAN HAVE SOME HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY COMIN UP. AND THEN THAT NC2A IS STILL GONNA BRING SOME KINDA BEATDOWN ON THEM NASTY CARDINAL BIRDS FOR HAVIN THEM PROSTERTUTES GIVIN HERPES TO TEENAGE RECRUITS.

Pro tip: that’s not how you scrub the internet

(laffs) SO LET THEM GOOD TIMES ROLL! BUT MEANTIME, WE GOTTA GIT OUR KENTUCKY WILDCATS PLAYIN GOODER SO MARCH MADNESS DON’T MEAN NO N.I.T. AND LOSIN TO ROBERT MORRIS WHILE THE CRIMINAL CARDINALS GIT TO GO TO THE BIG SHOW. IF COACH CAL CAINT GIT THIS THING TURNT AROUND WHEN WE PLAY AUBURN, THEN CUT HIM LOOSE.

KINNY SKY WALKER, GOOSE GIBBONS, AND REX CHAMPMAN CAN TAKE OVER AND GIT THESE DUMB FRESHMAN PLAYIN LIKE THEY BEEN ON A TEAM BEFORE. COME ON, DADGUMMIT! Y’ALL CATS IS BIMBARRASSIN THIS HERE LEGENDARY KENTUCKY NAME. SHAPE UP OR SHIP OUT! WE CAN ALWAYS BUY DIFFERNT MACDONALD BURGER BOYS TO BE CATS! AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! TRY TO SCORE MORE POINTS THAN THE OTHER TEAM, YOU RUM DUMMIES! AND LET’S ALL GIT TOGETHER TONIGHT TO CHEER ON THEM CONNECTICUT HUSKY GIRLS. HUSKY GIRLS! HUSKY GIRLS! HUSKY GIRLS! EVERBODY LOVES EM A HUSKY GIRL!

The week passes without an official notice from the NCAA on whether the University of Louisville’s appeal of sanctions will be honored. All speculation is that the NCAA will affirm the original sanctions that include nullifying the 2013 men’s basketball national championship, the 2012 Final Four appearance, and return of monies earned by the school for any games where ineligible players performed. Ineligibility was assigned to any player who had received sexual favors during a three year period where alleged prostitute Katina Powell provided women to players, recruits, and recruit chaperones.

Pro tip: that’s not how you scrub the internet

But the NCAA’s silence doesn’t keep The Beasman quiet.

RADIO SKETCH JANUARY 26, 2018

Joe B Hall and Terry Meiners, Rupp Arena, February 2017

YOU MAKE ME SICK, YOU TRAITOR TURNCOAT WILDCAT BACKSTABBER. I HEAR YOU ON THERE SMIRKIN AND ACTIN LIKE IT’S A HAP-HAP-HAPPY DAY! THIS AIN’T NO TIME FOR JOSHIN, YOU CROSS-EYED RED BELLY FRAUD! THE NC2A COMIN TO TOWN TO DROP THE HAMMER ON YOUR POINTY HEAD, STRIPPER POLE SWINGIN, PROSTERTUTE, TOOTHBRUSH STEALIN CARDINAL CONVICTS!

THE OTHER DAY ON YOUR BIRTHDAY I GOT SICK TO MY STOMACH LISSENIN AT PEOPLE KISS YOUR KEISTER AND SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY. AIN’T NO WILDCAT FAN LIKES YOUR BIRTHDAY. WE IS ALL WAITIN FOR YOUR O-BIT-YER-MARY WHEN YOU DIE, YOU LOUDMOUTH, SLICK RICK BUTTKISSER. EVEN IF WE WON THE OTHER NIGHT, U UH KAY DONE LOSTED TOO MANY GAMES AND NOW WE GOT TO GO INTO WEST VIRGINNY AND FACE BOB THUGGINS AND HIS MOUNTAIN QUEERS. EVEN MATT JONES SAYS WE PROLEE AINT GONNA WIN TOMORRY SO THIS PERIOD AIN’T HAPPY FOR NOBODY IN BIG BLUE NATION. AIN’T NOBODY LIKES YOU GIGGLIN WHEN THE CATS LOSE.

Tony Vanetti, Terry Meiners, Matt Jones (November 2015)

WE WANT MATT JONES ON THE RADIO TO GUIDE US THROUGH THESE DESPERATE DAYS, NOT NO SNICKERIN LARRY MINNER WHAT’S MAWKIN BIG BLUE PAIN. MATT JONES IS A TRUE BLUE KENTUCKY TREASURE CUZ HE LOVES THE CATS AND MOCKS CARDINAL BIRDS. LARRY, U UH KAY IS WHAT MAKES KENTUCKY GREAT AND SO WE GOTTA GIT THE CATS FIXED. DADGUMMIT, WHAT ABOUT COACH CAL. IS HE A FRAUD? WAS HE PLANTED HERE BY U OF SMELL TO WRECK THE WILDCAT DYNASTY? WHAT IN THE SAM HILL IS COACH CAL TAWKIN ABOUT SAYIN HE WAS HAPPY THAT THE CATS LOST TO FLORIDER? IS HE GONNA JOIN THE WEST VIRGINNY CHEERLEADERS TOMORRY AND DO SUMMER SAULTS IF WE GIT BEHIND? DADGUMMIT! TRUE BLUE WILDCATS AIN’T NEVER HAPPY LOSIN TO NOBODY, COACH CAL. DID YOU FALL AND HIT YOUR HEAD? YOU TAWKIN CRAZY!

LARRY, WHY DON’T YOU AST YOUR BOYFRIEND GOVERNOR MATT BLEVINS TO FLY ALL THE FLAGS AT HALF STIFF. TELL GOVERNOR BLEVINS TO QUIT TAWKIN ABOUT PENSIONS AND BUDGETS AND GIT FRANKFORT WORKIN ON FIXIN THE WILDCATS. AMERICA NEEDS THE GOOD CATS, NOT NO FLOPPIN, FADIN, LOSIN STREAK CATS. SEND IN THE NATIONAL GUARD. THIS HERE IS A NATURAL DISASTER TO HAVE U UH KAY STRUGGLIN. TELL GOVERNOR BLEVINS HE CAN CUT ALL THE PROGRUMS HE WANTS BUT SPEND EVERTHANG HE GOT TO GIT THE WILDCATS WINNIN AGIN. HIRE LEE-BRON JAMES AS ASSISTANT HEAD COACH. GIT STEPH CURRY TO TEACH OUR CATS HOW TO SHOOT. DON’T MATTER WHAT IT COSTS – U UH KAY WINNIN IS OUR TOP PRIORITY. NOT ILLITERACY OR TEENAGE DRUG DEATHS OR POOR PEOPLE WITHOUT HEALTH IN-SHORE-UNCE.

NOPE. OUR #1 PRIORITY IS GITTIN THE WILDCATS TO THE FINAL FOUR AND COACH CAL IS LIKE KIM JONG UM THROWIN A NUKE-U-LAR BOMB AT OUR CHANCES. WAKE UP, COACH CAL! U UH KAY STUDENTS WILL GO WITHOUT FOOD AND LECTRICITY IF WE NEED THAT MONEY TO PAY THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS TO SHOW THE CATS HOW TO HIT HALF COURT SHOTS AND BOUNCE BALLS OFF REFFERMARIE HEADS THAT GO IN THE BASKET. LET’S FIX THE WILDCATS AND THEN WE CAN START TO CARE ABOUT DEAD TEENAGE DRUG ADDICTS AND GANG MURDERS AND STUFF. AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! AND YOU’LL GIT YOURS, LARRY! DEEEEEEEAAAAAAAATH PENALTY! TAKE DOWN THAT FRAUD BANNER AND THROW IT IN THE RIVER WITH MO-HAMMER ALI’S OLYMPIC MEDAL. AND IF COACH CAL DON’T SHAPE UP AND WIN THE REST, WE’LL THO HIM IN THE RIVER TOO. KINNY SKY WALKER IS READY TO STEP IN AND LEAD THESE CATS! GO BLUE! GO CATS! GO BIG BLUE! THIRTY FIVE & FIVE! THIRTY FIVE & FIVE! THIRTY FIVE & FIVE!

THE BEASMAN #1
(long laffs) LARRY? (laffs) DID YOU GIT (laffs) DID YOU GIT THE NUMBER OFF THAT WILDCAT THAT RUNNED Y’ALL DOWN? (long laffs) I CAINT BLEEVE U OF SMELL IS STILL IN BIDNIZ. USUALLY WHEN SOMEBODY SUFFERS A TRAGEDY LIKE THAT, THE NATIONAL GUARD AND THE RED CROSS COME IN TO CHECK FOR SURVIVORS. (laffs) DID THEY DEE-CLARE LOSERVILLE A DISASTER AREA OR A LOST CAUSE? (laffs) LITTLE BOY PADGETT GOT WHOOPED SO BAD HIS PARENTS GOT ARRESTED. (gaffs)

WHAT IN THE SAM HILL IS YOU CARDINAL FRAUDS GONNA CHEER FOR NOW? EVEN THE N.I.T. DON’T WANT YOU! (laffs) I HEAR TELL Y’ALL CHANGING THE SCHOOL COLORS FROM RED & BLACK TO ALL-BLACK. (laffs) COACH CAL JUST ANNOUNCED THAT NEXT YEAR HE’S GONNA LET LOSERVILLE START 8 PLAYERS TO SEE IF THEY CAN HANG WITH 5 WILDCATS. (laffs) CAT FANS BURNT SO MANY COUCHES THAT LEXINUN IS NOW PART OF THE SMOKIES. (laffs)

COME ON, LARRY…LAUGH A LITTLE BIT. YOUR OWN PLAYERS IS SO BIMBARRASSED THEY GOIN’ SHIRTLESS THE REST OF THE SEASON TO STAY ANONYMOUS! (laffs) AND THEY JUST PRINTED THE TICKETS FOR THE NEXT U OF SMELL GAME — IT SAYS ON THERE: “I WOUDN’T SHOW UP IF I WAS YOU.” (laffs) COME ON, LARRY. THESE HERE IS FUNNY COMEDY JOKES AND YOU KNOW YOU WANNA LAUGH. STOP BEIN A SORE LOSER AND ADMIT THAT IT’S ALL OVER FOR YOUR LITTLE FRAUD SCHOOL OF CHEATIN AND STEALIN.

YOUR FOOTBAW TEAM AIN’T GOT LAY-MAR JACKSON NO MORE. BOY PADGETT IS IN OVER HIS HEAD AND ALL THEM HALL OF FAME A.C.C. COACHES IS WAITIN TO DO WHAT COACH CAL DONE DONE TO HIM. QUIT NOW, LOSERVILLE! US WILDCATS IS STILL BASKIN IN THE GLOW OF HUMILERATIN OUR ARCH ENEMA ON NATIONAL TELLERBISION. THEN WE WHOOPED JARJUH TO START S.E.C. PLAY! CATS GOIN TO THE FINAL FOUR TO HANG ANOTHER BANNER WHILE Y’ALL CLIMBIN UP THERE TO CUT DOWN YOUR BANNER! (laffs) AND DON’T GIT ALL SWOLE UP ABOUT HOW YOUR GIRL BASKETBAW TEAM IS SO GREAT. IT DON’T MATTER HOW MANY GAMES THEY WIN, THEY VENTUALLY GONNA GIT STOMPED BY UCONN. AND GIT REAL – IT’S GIRL BASKETBAW – ONLY DEEP VOICE GIRLS AND SWISHY BOYS CARE ABOUT THAT STUFF.

Papa John Schnatter and UofL acting AD Vince Tyra at the Yum Center, November 7, 2017

FACE IT, LARRY. TWUNNY SEVENTEEN WAS THE YEAR OF THE DEAD CARDINAL AND TWUNNY EIGHTEEN IS THE YEAR CATS! COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – COACH CAL SAYS HIS BIG BLUE HEROES DONE FOUNT OUT HOW GREAT THEY CAN BE BY SMASHIN LOSERVILLE’S UGLY FACE IN. JARJUH WAS TOUGHER CUZ THEY’S S.E.C. NOW THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS GONNA KEEP THAT MO ROLLIN RIGHT INTO MARCH MADNESS WHILE U OF SMELL GITS THE DEATH PENALTY. DEEEEEEEAAAAAAAATH PENALTY! IT’S OVER, YOU CHEATIN SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, NECK TATTOO, CROWN ROYAL SWILLIN, GOD HATIN, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, WELFARE STAMP CASHIN, STREET TRASH CARDINAL THUGS! GIT OUT OF OUR STATE AND MOVE TO CHICAGO WITH ALL THEM OTHER GANG BANG, GOLD TOOTH, BABY MAMA, HOODIE WEARIN, ILLITERATE, TOOTHLESS, DRIVE BY SHOOTIN, BACKWARDS CAP HEATHENS!

KENTUCKY IS FOR CHURCH-GOIN CHRISTIANS WHO ACT POLITE, SAY YESSIR AND NO MAAM, KEEP OUR DAUGHTERS WITH THEIR OWN KIND, AND OUR BOYS OUT OF PRISON. WILDCAT COUNTRY IS THE ENTIRE STATE SO PACK UP YOUR LOSERVILLE CRIME AND SMOG AND TAKE IT SOMEWHERES WHERE STUPID PEOPLE LIVE. WE DON’T WANT YOUR KIND IN BIG BLUE NATION. AND TELL BOY PADGETT TO CANCEL THE CONTRACT WITH U UH KAY. COACH CAL DON’T WANNA WASTE OUR WILDCATS TIME PLAYIN YOU FRAUDS. HE SAYS THE CATS WOULD GIT A TOUGHER CHALLENGE PLAYIN AGAINST 5 STORE MANNEQUINS. AT LEAST THEY WON’T ALL FOUL OUT BEFORE HALFTIME. (laffs) YOU SUCK! AWWWWW C-A-TS- CATS! CATS! CATS!

Kentucky crushed Louisville 90-61 in the 2017 version of the rivalry game.

THE BEASMAN #2
AWWWW DADGUMMIT, YOU ANSWERED THE DADGUM PHONE! NOW I GOTTA PAY MATT JONES FIVE DOLLARS. (laffs) LARRY…I LOST A BET. AFTER THE CATS THUMPED YOUR CARDINAL CREAMPUFFS AND THEN LAY-MAR JACKSON THROWED 900 INNER-CEPTIONS TO LOSE THE U OF SMELL BO GAME, I TURNT TO MATT JONES AND SAID “BETCHA FIVE BUCKS LARRY MINNER KILLS HISSELF FOR BEIN A TRAITOR TURNCOAT.” MATT JONES SAID NAW, THAT LARRY MINNER GOT TOO BIG A EGO TO HURT HISSELF. SO THERE GOES FIVE DOLLARS UP IN SMOKE! (laffs) BUT AT LEAST NOW I DON’T HAVE TO GIT UP EVER MARNIN CHECKIN THE OBIT-U-MARYS LOOKIN FOR YOUR UGLY MUG.

Kentucky beats Louisville by 30 and actually drops one spot to #17 in the AP poll

(laffs) POOR LARRY. HIS ADOPTED CARDINAL CREAMPUFFS CAINT EVEN HANG WITH BELLARMINE NO MORE. I BETCHA BOY PADGETT IS TRYIN TO SCHEDULE TRINITY HIGH SCHOOL INSTEAD OF ALL THEM A.C.C. TEAMS WHAT’S GONNA CRUSH YOUR TARNISHED CARDINAL SOUL. THE U OF SMELL BASKETBAW PROGRUM AIN’T NOTHIN BUT A LAUGHINSTOCK. ALL ACROSS AMERICA PEOPLE KNOWS Y’ALL IS LITTLE BROTHER FRAUDS. AND THERE YOU IS, A FARMER WILDCAT FAN, ALL ALONE IN YOUR SADNESS INSTEAD OF CELLER-MABRATIN WITH ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS!

YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK IS ALL FORGOT NOW. TOMMY TURTLENECK IS A GREETER AT WAL-MART. THE U OF SMELL CARDINAL BIRDS IS BACK TO LITTLE BROTHER LAND, SMALL TIME, DIVISION TWO NOBODIES. U OF SMELL IS BROKE, BIMBARRASSED, AND HERE COMES THE FBI AND NC2A TO CRUSH YOUR FUTURE. BOY, I THINK EVERBODY WOULD UNDERSTAND IF YOU KILT YOURSELF, LARRY. STICK A FARK IN YOU! THE CARDINALS IS D-E-A-D SO WHY DON’T YOU JOIN EM?

COACH CAL AND CATS EVEN TRIED TO EASE UP FOR THE LAST 10 MINUTES OF THE GAME BUT U OF SMELL COULDN’T GUARD A CLOSET DOOR. WE SHOULDA SENT OL REX CHAMPMAN AND RICHIE FARMER COME OUT THERE TO RUN THE OFFENSE TO SEE IF THE CARDINALS COULD HANG WITH GRAMPAS. (laffs) AND YOUR CARDINAL FOOTBAW TEAM LOSTED TO A MISTERSIPPI STATE TEAM WITHOUT NO COACH, NO STARTIN QUARTERBACK, AND NO MOMENTUS. BUT MISTERSIPPI’S COACH HANDED OUT COPIES OF COACH CAL’S BOOK “SUCCESS IS THE ONLY CHOICE” AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED! COACH CAL HELPED MISTERSIPPI STATE KEEP THAT S.E.C. DOMMERANCE OVER LOSERVILLE. HOW’D Y’ALL DO IN LAST YEAR’S BO AGAINST LSU? SEE, LARRY! U OF SMELL DON’T BLONG ON THE FLOOR WITH NO S.E.C. PIRES…Y’ALL IS SMALL POTATOES A.C.C. ACCEPT YOUR LITTLE BROTHER PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE.

AND A BIG OL MERRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEE CHRISTMAS TO ALL THE GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS! WE DINT WANT TO CELLERMABRATE CHRISTMAS UNTIL WE WAS SURE THAT U OF SMELL WAS HEARTBROKE AGAIN…AND WE GOT A DOUBLE DOSE WITH BASKETBAW THEN FOOTBAW! (laffs) NOW US WILDCAT FANS IS HAVIN A HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS FROM BEATIN JARJUH THE OTHER NIGHT AND RIGHT ON UP UNTIL WE WIN IT ALL IN MARCH MADNESS! LEAVE YOUR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP, CAT FANS! AT LEAST THE BLUE ONES! CATS! CATS! CATS! IT’S ALL ABOUT THE BLUE! BENNY SNELL GOT CHEATED IN OUR BO GAME OR WE WOULDA WON THAT. BUT IT DINT REALLY MATTER CUZ WE SMEARED DEAD CARDINAL GUTS ALL OVER THE RUMP ARENER FLOOR EARLIER THAT DAY AND THAT’S ALL THAT REALLY MATTERS! MERRY CAT CHRISTMAS! (sing) I’LL HAVE A BLUUUUUUUUUUUE, BLUE BLUE CHRISTMAS EVER YEAR (laffs) OH, LARRY! I HOPE YOU GOT YOU SOME NEW HEDGE CLIPPERS FOR CHRISTMAS. SINCE THEY FIRED SLICK RICK, TOMMY TURTLENECK, AND ALL THEM OTHER CHEATIN SCUMBAG U OF SMELL PEOPLE, YOU BOUT THE ONLY GUY LEFT TO CLIMB UP THAT LADDER WITH YOUR CLIPPERS AND CUT DOWN THAT FAKE NEWS CHAMPERCHIP BANNER! (laffs)

Kathy Griffin displays severed head of Trump effigy

LARRY, Y’ALL NEED TO DO ONE OF THEM LONG FUNERAL PROCESSIONS IN THE STREETS LIKE YOU DONE FOR MOHAMMED ALI WHERE ALL THE CARDINAL FANS LINE THE STREETS AND THROW FLOWERS ON THE CARDINAL BIRD’S HEARSE. AND THEN THE FBI COULD FOLLOW UP WITH A PARADE OF PADDY WAGONS TO LOCK UP ALL THE CRIMINAL FANS WITH WARRANTS OUT ON EM. (laffs) KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE! I LOVE WHEN THE WILDCATS IS DOMMERATIN LITTLE BROTHER! (laffs) COME ON, NEW YEAR! MAKE IT WORST FOR U OF SMELL! THAT’S ALL WE WANT! AWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

THE BEASMAN wisdom teeth drugs
(laffs) HEY LARRY! I JUST WATCHED THAT VIDEO OF THE GIRL WHO’S ALL HIGH AFTER GITTIN HER WISDOM TOOTHS TOOK OUT. SHE STARTS CRYING WHEN HER MAMA TELLS HER SHE GOES TO U OF SMELL AND SO SHE SAYS “GO CATS…Ls DOWN!” (laffs) SHE IS ASHAMED SHE HAD TO GO TO U OF SMELL FOR GRADUMAGATE SCHOOL. (laffs) THAT MADE ME LAFF REAL HARD, LARRY.

EVEN WITHOUT HER WISDOM TEEF, SHE IS SOMEONE STILL VERY WISE. (laffs) IT JUST SHOWS YOU THAT EVEN U OF SMELL STUDENTS LOVE U UH KAY DOWN DEEP. THEY JUST GOTTA HIDE THEIR CAT FAN LOVE SO THEY CAN GRADUMAGATE. THEN ONCE THEY GIT IN THE REAL WORLD AND REALIZE THEIR U OF SMELL DIPLOMA IS WORTHLESS, THEY HATE THE CARDINAL BIRDS EVEN MORE. (laffs)

AWWWW, POOR LARRY AND ALL HIS RAGGEDY U OF SMELL CARDINAL BUDDIES CAINT HAVE NO GOOD CHRISTMAS CUZ YOUR WORLD BLOWED UP.

Terry Meiners on ESPN, October 27, 2017

BYE BYE SLICK AND TOMMY. SO LONG NC2A CHAMPERCHIP. BYE BYE 156 GAMES GITTIN WIPED OFF THE RECORD BOOKS. THE NC2A GRINCH IS COMIN AND ALL THE LITTLE LOOS DOWN IN LOOVILLE GONNA LOSE THAT FAKE NEWS CHAMPERCHIPS BANNER. TOO BAD, SO SAD. SLICK RICK AIN’T GOT NO MONEY FOR CHRISTMAS CUZ HE GAMBLED IT ALL AWAY ON HARSES AND TOMMY TURTLENECK IS NOW A WAL-MART GREETER. SLICK SAYS HE WAKES UP AT 5:30 WAITIN FOR THE SUN TO COME UP BUT HE AIN’T GOT NO JOB TO GO TO.

HEY SLICK, WHY DON’T YOU TRY GOIN TO CHURCH AND CONFESSIN YOUR SINS? COACH CAL GOES TO MASS EVER DAY AND YOU SEE HOW GREAT HE IS CUZ GOD RECKER-NIZERS SINCERITY! I BETCHA IF SLICK WENT TO CHURCH THE ROOF WOULD FALL IN. COACH CAL IS A SAINT. THAT’S WHY THE WILDCATS IS #1 AND U OF SMELL IS A DUMPSTER FIRE. GOD IS LIKE SANTY CLAUS CUZ HIS NAUGHTY LIST STARTS WITH SAGGY PANTS, NECK TATTOO, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, CAR JACKIN, THUG U OF SMELLERS. (laffs)

AND GOD MADE ALL U UH KAY FANS GOOD AND CLASSY. THAT’S WHY WE DINT EVEN START NO FIGHTS AFTER THE U OF SMELL GIRLS BEAT THE U UH KAY GIRLS ON SUNDEE. WE DINT START NO COUCHES ON FIRE OR SLASH THE TIRES ON THE U OF SMELL BUS. THAT’S CUZ IT’S CHRISTMAS AND YOU POSED TO DO SOMETHIN NICE FOR THE POOR AND DOWNTRODDEN, WHICH IS WHAT U OF SMELL IS. (laffs)

SO Y’ALL JUST BE HAPPY WITH YOUR LITTLE GIRL BASKETBAW VICTREE AND PREE-PARE FOR ALL THE OTHER HARRIBLE THINGS THAT’S BOUT TO HAPPEN. COACH CAL AND THE MEN’S U UH KAY TEAM GONNA DEE-STROY BOY PADGETT AND HIS BAND OF CARDINAL CONVICTS WHEN THEY GIT HERE NEXT WEEK. AFTER THE CATS WHOOPED VIRGINNY TECH, OUR GREAT NEW WILDCAT QUADE GREEN SAID “WE GONNA WHOOP LOSERVILLE AS A CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR OUR GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS!”

obsession: a thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person’s mind 😂

HE DINT EVEN SAY NOTHIN BOUT THE CATS HAVIN TO PLAY U.C.L.A. THIS SAIRDEE CUZ WE ALREADY LOOKIN AHEAD TO THUMPIN LITTLE BROTHER LOSERVILLE AGIN. UCLA AIN’T NOTHIN BUT A BUNCH OF CALLY-FARNIA DOPE SMOKIN HIPPIE FREAKS SO THE CATS GONNA CRUSH ‘EM. COACH CAL IS LOCKED IN ON BEATIN LOSERVILLE CUZ THAT’S WHAT HE LIVES FOR. COACH CAL BEAT SLICK RICK EVER TIME AND NOW HE’S GONNA GIVE BOY PADGETT A BIG DOSE OF THE SAME MEDICINE.

BETTER ENJOY CHRISTMAS THIS WEEKEND CUZ U UH KAY BOUT TO MAKE IT FEEL LIKE HALLER-WEEN ALL OVER AGAIN IN LOSERVILLE COME THE 29TH. AND THEN STOOPS TROOPS GONNA MAKE IT A DAILY DOUBLE OF WILDCAT DOMMERATION OVER THEM PURPLE PANSIES FROM NARTHWESTRY! CATS! CATS! CATS!

SANTY CLAUS IS BRINING A BEATDOWN TO U OF SMELL SO GIT READY TO BURN COUCHES AND PLAY THEM BANJOES ALL NIGHT LONG! COUSIN EDDIE IS GONNA HAVE THAT R.V. ROCKIN ALL NIGHT AFTER U UH KAY GIVES THEM CARDINAL CONVICTS ANOTHER TASTE OF LOSER PIE! AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

———-

Here’s what The Beasman had to say last week after ESPN chronicled UofL’s 2017 stack of scandals.

THE BEASMAN cats bowl and cards lose
GO BIG BLUE! GO BIG BLUE! AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! DOUBLE DIPPIN’ WILDCATS ON DEE-CEMBER 29, CAT FANS! TWO BIG BLUE BLOWOUTS IN ONE DAY! WE GONNA DESTROY THE CRIMINAL CARDINAL BIRDS AT 1 O’CLOCK AND THEN LATER THE STOOPS TROOPS GONNA PUT A SMACKDOWN ON ONE OF THEM DIE-RECTIONAL COLLEGES…SOMETHIN CALLED THE NARTHWESTERN. AIN’T THAT A AIRLINE?

ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS GIT TO DRIVE TO NASHVILLE FOR OUR BO GAME BUT THE DIRTY BIRDS GOT TO GIT ALL THE WAY TO FLARIDER FOR THEIRS…WHERE THEY GONNA LOSE TO ANOTHER S.E.C. SCHOOL. AND THEN BOBBY PETRINKO GONNA GIT FIRED NO MATTER IF HE WINS OR LOSES CUZ THE NEW U OF SMELL BOSSES IS PRESSURE WARSHING ALL THE SCUMBAGS OUTTA TOWN FOREVER! (laffs)

AWWWW…POOR LITTLE CARDINAL BASKETBAW BIRDS. THEY DONE LOSTED TWO IN A ROW. LITTLE BITTY SEATON HALL DONE GOT ‘EM YESTERDEE IN THE EMPTY CHICKEN BUCKET. TOO BAD, SO SAD. BUT LARRY, THEM FEW CARDINAL FANS WHO STILL GO TO YOUR GAMES CAN AT LEAST STRETCH OUT OVER FOUR OR FIVE SEATS CUZ AIN’T NOBODY ELSE IN THEIR ROW. Y’ALL OUGHT TO HANG LAUNDRY ON ALL THEM EMPTY SEATS, LITTLE BUDDY. ON TV, IT LOOKS LIKE THEY IS SHOWIN THE PREGAME SHOW CUZ AIN’T NOBODY IN THEIR SEATS.

WHERE IS THEY ALL…UP ON THE CONCOURSE TRYIN TO GIT STUB HUB TO BUY THE REST OF THEIR WORTHLESS U OF SMELL SEASON TICKETS? (laffs) TELL LITTLE BOY PADGETT TO NOT HANG NO PITCHERS ON THE WALL IN THE HEAD COACH’S OFFICE CUZ HE AIN’T KEEPIN THAT JOB. BY THE TIME U OF SMELL GITS THE NC2A DEATH PENALTY, LOSES ALL THEIR SCHOLARSHIPS, HAS THEIR RECORD BOOKS COMPLETELY WIPED OUT, AND THE ONLY TV CHANNEL Y’ALL CAN BE ON IS THE PRISON NETWORK, THE ONLY COACH Y’ALL CAN ATTRACT WILL BE A PURSE…AND A FAKE ONE AT THAT! (laffs) YOU PROBLEE DINT THINK I KNOWED WHAT A COACH PURSE IS BUT THAT’S HOW WE SNEAKED MONEY TO GIT SAM BOWIE (laffs) OOPS! DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?

Joe B Hall and Terry Meiners, Rupp Arena, February 2017

DON’T MATTER NOW. COACH CAL IS IN CHARGE AND HE’S STRAIGHT UP. AIN’T NO SHERNANNER-GANS GOIN ON NO MORE AT U UH KAY NOW THAT YOUR CHEATIN BOYFRIEND LEFT THE STATE FOREVER! I LOVE IT! SLICK RICK FILES A LAWSUIT ASKIN FOR FARDY MILLION DOLLARS. HE AIN’T GOT A SNOWBALL’S CHANCE OF WINNIN A PENNY. PURDY SOON, YOUR BOYFRIEND GONNA HAVE TO COME BACK TO KENTUCKY TO LIVE IN YOUR BASEMENT CUZ HE’S BROKE FROM PAYIN OFF STRIPPERS, HIS BOOKIE, AND HIS LAWYERS. (laffs)

David Padgett

TELL LITTLE BOY PADGETT THAT LOSIN TO PURDUE AIN’T AS BAD AS SEATON HALL. BUT THEM CATHLICKS IS POSED TO CARE ABOUT THE POOR AND U OF SMELL IS SPIRITUALLY BANKRUPT. PADGETT BETTER NOT LOSE YOUR NEXT GAME AGAINST CUPCAKE COLLEGE CUZ U UH KAY IS COMIN UP SOON AND THAT AIN’T GONNA BE PURDY. (laffs) THEM DIRTY BIRD FEATHERS GONNA BE FLYIN ALL OVER RUMP ARENER AFTER OUR BIG BLUE SUPERSTARS SHOW Y’ALL CHEATERS HOW THE BIG BOYS PLAY. CATS BY FIDDY.

TELL THE CARDINAL BUS DRIVER TO KEEP THE ENGINE RUNNIN CUZ LITTLE BOY PADGETT AND HIS BAND OF NOBODIES GONNA WANNA RUN AWAY BY HALFTIME. DADGUMMIT, THEN Y’ALL CAN RUN DOWN TO FLORI-DER AND SAY BYE BYE TO LAY-MAR JACKSON CUZ AIN’T NO WAY HE’S COMIN BACK TO YOUR GHETTO TOWN NEVER AGAIN. SLICK RICK GONNA HAVE TO COME BACK TO GO TO COURT AND HEAR ABOUT ALL HIS SINS AGAIN. THEM LAWYERS GONNA PUT HIM ON THE STAND AND REMIND HIM ABOUT ALL HIS RESTRUNT LOVIN, STRIPPER POLE PARTIES, AND PRETENDIN LIKE HE DON’T KNOW NOTHIN ABOUT SHOE PIMP MONEY BUT A FIVE-STAR RECRUIT JUST FELL OUT OF THE SKY. OH SURE, SLICK RICK. TELL YOUR TAILOR TO MAKE YOU A PRISON SUIT.

BUT LEMME TELL ALL YOU SNAGGLE TOOTH, SAGGY PANTS, GANG BANG, HEROIN BREATH, GUN TOTIN, LIQUOR FOR BREAKFAST, NECK TATTOO, MAKIN BABIES OUTTA WEDLOCK, ATHEIST CARDINAL FRAUDS SOMETHIN. THE ONLY GUY NEVER STEPPIN FOOT IN KENTUCKY AGAIN IS LAY-MAR JACKSON. HE GONNA GO GIT NFL RICH AND TELL PEOPLE HE’S FROM FLORIDA. HE DON’T WANNA BE ASSOCIATED WITH NO U OF SMELL SCUMBAGGERY. HE ONLY SHAKES HANDS WITH HIS COACH IF HE’S WEARIN TWO SETS OF GLOVES! (laffs)

THE BEASMAN cats lose (1)
(crying) I HOPE YOU DIE SOON, LARRY. (crying) I HEAR YOU A-S-S-S-S-SMIRKIN BOUT U UH KAY’S P-P-P-PAIN. ONLY A LOWDOWN, TOOTHLESS, B-B-B-B-BRAINLESS U OF SMELL SAGGY PANTS, NECK TATTOO THUG LIKE YOU HAS THE AUDACERATION TO MOCK US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS WHILE WE IS DOWN. (crying) YOU SUCK, LARRY. (crying) POOR LITTLE WILDCAT KIDS COULDN’T GO BACK TO SCHOOL THIS MARNIN CUZ THEY’S DEE-PRESSED. (crying) MOST OF THE GROWED UP WILDCAT FANS BEEN DRUNK SINCE HALFWAY THROUGH THE THIRD QUARTER WHEN WE ALL LEFT THE STADIUM TO CRY IN THE PARKIN’ LOT.

(crying) NOBODY BURNT UP NO COUCHES. NOBODY GOT TO SPRAYPAINT CUSS WORDS ON THE SIDE OF THE U OF SMELL TEAM BUS. (crying) WE JUST HAD TO SET THERE AND WATCH GAY-MAR JACKSON RUN AROUND LIKE A JITTERBUG AND NOT LETTIN NO WILDCATS TACKLE HIM.

Picture shows: scientist holding vitamins TX 16/09/2004

(crying) I’M SETTIN HERE AT MY PSYCHIA-TRISTER OFFICE TRYIN TO GIT A SUBSCRIPTION TO DEE-PRESSION PILLS SO I CAN GIT MY HEAD THANKIN STRAIGHT AGIN, DADGUMMIT. IF THAT DON’T WORK, I’M GONNA LET ‘EM GIMME SHOCK TREATMENTS TO MAKE THIS HERE HARRIBLE MEMORY DISINCINERATE IN MY HEAD. (crying) THE DOCTOR SAYS HE WILL SEE ME NOW. LARRY, JUST IN CASE HE GIVES ME ONE OF THEM ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO NEST LOBOTORIES AND I CAINT NEVER TAWK NO MORE, I WANT MY LAST WORDS TO YOU TO BE THIS: YOU SUCK, YOU IS A TRAITOR TURNCOAT BENNERDICK ARNOLD AND I HOPE YOU GIT SHOT IN THE FACE BY ONE OF YOUR SCUMBAG THUG U OF SMELL CONVICT FANS. OH…AND GO BIG BLUE! (crying) TAKE ME IN TO SEE THE DOCTOR! AND TELL THE CHIEF TO SMOTHER ME WITH A PILLER IF MY BRAINBOX GITS TURNT OFF. (crying)

photo via Twitter

THE BEASMAN cats lose (2)
(crying) LARRY, I BEEN AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE ALL DAY GITTIN SUBSCRIPTIONS FOR ALL THEM DEE-PRESSION DRUGS SO I CAINT FEEL THE PAIN OF MY WILDCATS LOSING TO YOU DEVIL-WORSHIPPIN CARDINAL HEATHENS. (crying) IT AIN’T RIGHT, LARRY, IT JUST AINT RIGHT! U UH KAY POSED TO WIN SO ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS CAN TAUNT Y’ALL CARDINAL CRIMINALS AND BURN COUCHES AND WEAR BOBBY PETRINKO NECK BRACES…BUT NAW. U OF SMELL COME OUT THERE LIKE A BO-DOZER AND RUN US DOWN FROM THE START! STOOPS GOT TO GO, DADGUMMIT! ALL THEM OTHER TEAMS IS GU-NOUNCIN THEIR NEW COACHES BUT U UH KAY JUST STICKS WITH STOOPS AND HIS STOOPID “WAIT TIL NEXT YEAR” NONSENSE. I SAY WE RUN HIM OUTTA TOWN RIGHT NOW AND HIRE NICK SABAN.

NICK WANTS TO COACH U UH KAY CUZ EVERBODY LOVES THE CATS! (crying) AND Y’ALL CHEATED, LARRY. HOW DOES THAT LAY-MAR JACKSON GIT TO RUN AROUND PUNCHIN OUR GOOD AND CLASSY LINEBACKER AND NOT GIT THROWED OUT? JORDAN JONES WAS JUST OUT THERE PRAYIN’ THE ROSARY AND LAY-MAR JACKSON JUST WALKS UP AND PUNCHES HIM RIGHT UPSIDE HIS HEAD BUT THE CHEATIN REFFERMARIES DINT THO HIM OUT!

(crying) ANYBODY ELSE WOULDA GOT INJECTED FROM THE GAME BUT NOT THE UNTOUCHABLE LAY-MAR. NAW! THEM TV BU-ZECUTIVES SAID “WE GOTS TO HAVE LAY-MAR OR EVERBODY WILL SWITCH THE CHANNEL!”

SO THEY LET CHEATIN LAY-MAR STAY IN. LARRY, YOU KNOW LAY-MAR RUBS VASSER-LEAN ALL OVER HIS PANTS SO THE WILDCAT BOYS’ HANDS SLIDE OFF WHEN THEY IS TRYIN TO GRAB HIM. BUT NOBODY THROWS A FLAG. AND U OF SMELL DONE PASS INNER-FERENCED OUR WILDCAT RECEIVER BUT NOBODY THROWED THE FLAG. I BETCHA THAT ROTTEN BASKETBAW REFFERMARIE HIGGINS PICKED OUT THEM FOOTBAW REFFERMARIES JUST TO GIT BACK AT US. NO MORE STOOPS! NO MORE STOOPS! NO MORE STOOPS! US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS DONE WATCHED U OF SMELL FOOTBAW GO FROM PEE WEE LEVEL TO BUXPECTACLE BUT ALL WE DO AT U UH KAY IS STAY DOWN IN THE CELLAR WITH VANDERSMELT. HIRE NICK SABAN! HIRE NICK SABAN! HIRE NICK SABAN!

MEANTIME, COACH CAL AND THE BASKETBAW CATS AIN’T WINNIN BY BIG ENOUGH POINTS. I KNOW THEY IS GOOD BUT THEY AIN’T GREAT AND U OF SMELL IS SURELY GONNA BE LOOKIN AT THAT KANSAS TAPE TO SEE HOW TO BEAT US. (crying) IF BOY PADGETT GITS THEM RAGTAG DEATH PENALTY CARDINAL BIRDS TO WIN IN RUMP ARENER NEXT MONTH THEN US CAT FANS GONNA RIOT IN THE STREETS! WE CAINT HANDLE TWO U OF SMELL VICTREES AGAINST U UH KAY IN ONE WINTER.

Bobby Petrino’s players soak him as the final seconds tick away in Louisville’s 44-17 win over Kentucky. (photo: Kentucky.com)

I’M LIABLE TO CLIMB UP ON A CAMPUS WATER TIRE AND START SHOOTIN AT RED CARS AGAIN. (crying) LASS TIME THE JUDGE LET ME OFF CUZ SHE’S A BIG OL CAT FAN BUT SHE SAID IF I EVER DO IT AGAIN I’M A-GOIN TO PRISON FOR LIFE. COME ON, COACH CAL!

DON’T LET THEM SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, JESUS HATIN, HEROIN SNIFFIN, TATTOOED BUTTCRACK, CURSIN AROUND CHILDREN U OF SMELL CARDINAL SCUMBAGS GIT A SWEEP ON U UH KAY! YOU GOT TO GIT OUR BABY WILDCATS TO PLAY TOGETHER SO THEY CAN RIP OUT THEIR CHEATIN HEARTS! AWWWWW C-A-…DADGUMMIT, I CAINT EVEN MUSTER UP A CHEER RIGHT NOW UNTIL I GOBBLE ANOTHER FISTFUL OF ANTI-DEE-PRESSION PILLS. (chew) (long exhale) WELL…SO FAR THEY AIN’T WORKIN. WIN OR LOSE, ONE THING’S FOR SURE…YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK IS STILL UNEMPLOYED, LARRY. AND I CAN ALWAYS SMILE ABOUT THAT.

The Courier Journal was forced to apologize to John Calipari for publishing this caricature of the Kentucky coach in 2014.

THE BEASMAN more indictments
HEY LARRY, DID ANY OF YOUR U OF SMELL CARDINAL BUDDIES GIT INDICTED TODAY? (laffs) THE DAY AIN’T OVER YET! (laffs) WHY DON’T YOU JUST KILL YOURSELF, LARRY? YOUR CARDINAL PROGRUM IS IN ASHES. THE U OF SMELL DUMPSTER FIRE AIN’T NEVER GONNA GO OUT CUZ THE NC2A IS A-COMIN WITH THE DEATH PENALTY! DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAATH PENALTY! (laffs) I LOVE IT!

I SEEN THEY INDICTED CHUCK PERSON FOR ALL THAT SHOE PIMP MONEY BRIBERY STUFF. AND THEY GOT THAT FANCY SUIT MAN, TOO. YOU AND ALL YOUR CARDINAL BUDDIES IS HOPIN THAT THE SUIT MAN IS GONNA TURN ON HIS CLIENTS CONNECTED TO U UH KAY LIKE THE HARRISON TWINS, TONY ORLANDO ANTIGUA DAWN, AND WORLDWIDE WES.

Andrew and Aaron Harrison with Rashan Michel

LARRY, AIN’T NONE OF THEM PEOPLE CONNECTED TO NO SHOE PIMP MONEY. ONLY U OF SMELL RUM DUMMIES IS STOOPID ENOUGH TO SET IN A HO-TEL ROOM AND SQUAWK ABOUT SECRET PAYMENTS WITH A FBI AGENT SETTIN THEIR RECORDIN IT THROUGH HIS LAPEL DAISY. BUT THE U OF SMELL GUY JORDAN FAIR WAS SINGIN LIKE A BIRD ABOUT GITTIN MONEY FOR HIS CARDINAL REE-CRUITS. BUSTED!

YOU’RE FIRED AND SO IS SLICK RICK BUTEENO, A NO COUNT TRAITIOR TURNCOAT, I-TALIAN FRAUD. AND EVEN TOMMY TURTLENECK GOT CAUGHT IN THE BEARTRAP CUZ PAPA JOHN IS CALLIN THE SHOTS AT U OF SMELL AND HE DON’T LIKE NO SLICK RICK OR TURTLENECK SO THEY IS DEAD AND GONE!

PAPA JOHN IS THE NEW U UH KAY HERO SO AS SOON AS RUMP ARENER CAN TEAR UP THAT CONTRACT WITH THE GAS STATION PIZZA COMPANY, WE GONNA PUT PAPA JOHN BACK IN RUMP ARENER.

HIM AND COACH CAL IS GOOD BUDDIES SO PAPA JOHN IS THINKIN ABOUT GITTIN RID OF BOBBY PETRINKO NEXT. HE DONE GOT RID THE LACROSSE LADY CUZ SHE EATS AT PIZZER HUT. COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – HE SAYS HE HOPES U OF SMELL GITS BACK ON TRACK BUT YOU KNOW HE DON’T REALLY MEAN THAT. (laffs) HE WAKES UP LAFFING EVER DAY THINKIN ABOUT HOW U OF SMELL GOT A BOY COACH AND A BUNCH OF WARSHED UP RUM DUMMY ASSISTANTS.

OH LARRY…Y’ALL BEAT BELLARMINE! WOW! THAT’S A BIG ACCOMPLISHMENT! AND THAT DING DONG DELL DUNK WAS #1 ON THE EXPN TOP TEN! WOW! HE JUMPED ALMOST HALF AS HIGH AS DONNERVAN MITCHELL (WHO WAS SMART ENOUGH TO RUN AWAY FROM U OF HELL). YOU GO, DING DONG DELL!

THAT’S SOME BIGTIME STUFF CONSIDERIN THE ONLY OTHER SPART ON LAST NIGHT WAS HARSESHOES AND PING PONG.

Y’ALL AIN’T ALL GLOOM AND DOOM LARRY…WELL, UNLESS THE FBI SHOWS UP ON SLICK RICK’S PARCH TONIGHT WITH ANOTHER INDICTMENT! (laffs) IS WE SAD THAT U UH KAY LOST THAT FOOTBAW GAME? NOPE! IT’S STILL FUN THINKIN ABOUT U OF SMELL’S MELTDOWN.

BASKETBAW GOIN OUT OF BIDNIZ. YOUR HEISHMAN TROPHY WINNER RACKS UP A THOUSAND YARDS EVER GAME BUT YOU STILL LOSE BY 30 POINTS! WHO DOES THAT? (laffs) EVER DAY IS ZIPITY DO DAH HAP, HAP, HAPPY TIMES IN WILDCAT COUNTRY! WE GOIN TO BOWL GAME AND U OF SMELL GOIN TO NC2A PRISON. (knock knock sound on your microphone) OH LARRY! IS SOMEBODY AT THE DOOR? I BETCHA THAT’S THE FBI BRINGIN YOU A INDICTMENT FOR BEIN A FRAUD RADIO GUNOUNCER, TWO-BIT, TRAITOR TURNCOAT, BOOTLICKIN SLICK RICK APOLOGIST. (laffs)

LARRY, DON’T LET EM TAKE YOU ALIVE! GO DUNK YOUR HEAD IN THE KITCHEN SINK AND JUST KEEP YOUR HEAD UNDERWATER TIL YOU STOP WIGGLIN. THAT’S THE ONLY HONORABLE THING TO DO…AND THEN FINALLY WE CAN GIT MATT JONES TO BE THE AFTERNOON SUPERSTAR ON WH&S WHERE HE TAWKS ABOUT WILDCAT GREATNESS INSTEAD OF U OF SMELL CRIMES. COME ON, DEATH PENALTY! GIT HERE! THIS WILL BE THE GREATEST CHRISTMAS EVER…THEY GONNA YANK DOWN THAT FAKE NEWS CHAMPERCHIP BANNER AND PUT IN A SHREDDER SO WE CAN ALL MAKE CHRISTMAS TREE TINSEL OUT OF IT! HO, HO, HO! I AIN’T HO HO HO’ING ABOUT CHRISTMAS…I WAS JUST SAYIN HI TO ALL THEM SKANKY U OF SMELL STRIPPERS! HAVE A HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS IN PRISON, CARDINALS! AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! GO BIG BLUE! GO CATS! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH!

AS LONG AS THE NC2A IS COMIN WITH THE CARDINAL DEATH PENALTY, AIN’T NOTHIN BUT LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IN THE AIR FOR KENTUCKY WILDCAT FANS! (laffs) EVER DAY IS ANOTHER U OF SMELL TRAGEDY. Y’ALL TRYIN TO ACT LIKE IT’S ALL GOOD NOW AND Y’ALL JUST GONNA ZIPPITY DO DAH ALONG LIKE YOU AIN’T GOT NO TROUBLES BUT YOU AIN’T FOOLIN ME. YOU MAKE ME SICK, LARRY MINNER. WHEN IS YOU GONNA REE-TAR AND LET MATT JONES HAVE THE AFTERNOON SHOW ON WH&S?

I HEARED YOU TAWKIN TO TOMMY TURTLENECK LAST WEEK. “OH TOMMY. YOU IS THE WALT DISNEY OF LOSERVILLE.” NEWSFLASH! WALT DISNEY IS DEAD AND TOMMY AIN’T COMIN BACK TO U OF SMELL, LARRY MINNER. FACE IT, YOU AIN’T GOT NO FRIENDS IN CHEATERVILLE NOW THAT YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK AND TOMMY TURTLENECK DONE GOT RUN OFF AND SO NOW THEY’S UP ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. QUIT YOUR JOB SO WE CAN HEAR MATT JONES.

YOU CAN BE THE POOL BOY FOR SLICK AND TOMMY WHILE THEY SET AROUND COUNTIN HOW MUCH MONEY THEY STOLE FROM U OF SMELL. YOU’RE SUCH A SUCKER, LARRY. HERE YOU GOT TOMMY TURTLENECK ON THE RADIO WITH YOU AND HE SAID LOTS OF OTHER SCHOOLS WAS CHECKIN TO SEE IF HE IS INNERESTED. HOW COME YOU DINT AST HIM TO NAME THE SCHOOLS? CUZ YOU AND ME BOTH KNOW HE’S A-LYIN. AIN’T NO HONORABLE SCHOOL WANTS TOMMY TURTLENECK, SLICK RICK, OR BOBBY PETRINKO.

HOW LONG TIL THE NEW SHERIFF OF CARDINAL COUNTRY RUNS OFF YOUR CHEATIN FOOTBAW COACH? YOU KNOW IT’S COMIN, LARRY. PAPA JOHN RUNS U OF SMELL AND HE IS GREAT FRIENDS WITH COACH CAL SO I BETCHA COACH CAL WAS BEHIND GITTIN RID OF SLICK RICK JUST FOR LAUGHS. I LOVE IT!

COACH CAL IS STILL THE KING OF COLLEGE BASKETBAW WHILE SLICK RICK JUST GOTTA SET HOME AND FILL OUT UNEMPLOYMENT FORMS. WHAT KIND OF JOB CAN HE GIT…AS THE HOST OF THAT TV SHOW CALLED CHEATERS? THAT’S THE ONLY PLACE THAT’LL HAVE HIM!

AND DON’T THINK Y’ALL GONNA GIT BRIAN BOWEN TO COME PLAY NOW THAT THE FBI SAYS THEY AIN’T INVESTERGATIN HIM. THE NC2A AIN’T GONNA LET Y’ALL HAVE HIM. HIS DADDY DONE PIMPED HIM OUT FOR A HUNDERD THOUSAND! DADGUMMIT, ALL WE DID IN MY DAY WAS HUNDERD DOLLAR HANDSHAKES BUT U OF SMELL GOES A HUNDERD THOUSAND DEEP FOR B-LEVEL PLAYERS. Y’ALL AIN’T VERY GOOD WITH MONEY, LARRY! BUT YOU SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, GHETTO SPRAYPAINT, STREET MURDERIN, NECK TATTOO, FOULMOUTH, STINKBREATH, GENDER BENDER, OBAMA LOVIN, DOPE SMOKIN, TARC BUS ROBBIN, GRAMPA PUNCHIN U OF SMELL THUGS CAN KEEP PRETENDING LIKE YOUR DUMPSTER FIRE IS ALL OVER NOW.

LARRY, IT’S JUST STARTIN. THE NC2A IS COMIN TO GIVE Y’ALL THE DEATH PENALTY! DEATH PENALTY! TAKE DOWN THAT FAKE NEWS BANNER! TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! THE FBI AIN’T FINISHED INVESTERGATIN SLICK RICK OR JORDAN FAIRY OR THAT KENNY WHAT’S-HIS-NAME. THEY IS ALL GUILTY AS SIN CUZ THEY KNOWED THIS HERE BRIAN BOWEN WOULDN’T JUST DROP OUT OF THE SKY. NONE OF ‘EM AST QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW COME HE SUDDENLY WANTED TO BE A CARDINAL BIRD? CUZ THEY WAS CHEATIN. U OF SMELL FOOTBAW CAINT BEAT NOBODY NO MORE. AND THE PRO SOCCER TEAM IS THE BIG STAR IN TOWN NOW SO U OF SMELL IS OLD NEWS.

THANKSGIVIN MEANS STICK A FARK IN THE CARDINAL BIRD CUZ HIS GOOSE IS COOKED. Y’ALL IS LITTLE BROTHER AGAIN, LARRY. SAY HI TO THE SMALL TIME CUZ THAT’S WHERE Y’ALL GONNA SPEND THE NEXT DECADE. N.I.T. N.I.T. N.I.T. SEE YOU IN MARCH MADNESS…BUT ONLY IF U OF SMELL PLAYERS BY A TICKET CUZ THEY AIN’T PLAYIN IN IT!

The Beasman air date: 10.31.17
BOOOOOOO! BOOOOOO! GLOOOOOOOM & DOOOOOOOM IS ALL AROUND LOSERVILLE, THE LITTLE BROTHER WHO FEARS BIG BOO NATION! (laffs) Y’ALL DON’T NEED NO HAUNTED HOUSE CUZ U OF SMELL IS LIVIN IN IT EVER DAY! ALL THEM SKEERED FACES ON EVER CARNER AS THEY WAIT THE NC2A GRIMMMMMMM REAPER.

GRIM REAPER DONE COME FOR SLICK RICK AND TOMMY TURTLENECK AND NOW HE’S A-COMIN FOR THAT FAKE NEWS CHAMPERCHIP BANNER! TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! (laffs)

THIS HERE IS A SAD HALLER-WEEN FOR YOU, AINT IT LARRY? MEMBER THAT CHARLIE BROWN TV CARTOON WHERE HE GOES TRICK-OR-TREATIN AND EVER TIME HE LOOKS IN HIS BAG HE SAYS “I GOT A ROCK.” THAT’S WHAT YOU AND ALL YOUR SNAGGLE TOOTH, SAGGY PANTS, NECK TATTOO, RAP MUSIC, MAKING BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK CARDINAL FAN BUDDIES IS GITTIN IN YOUR TRICK-OR-TREAT BAGS…A LUMP OF COAL. OR A STRIPPER POLE. (laffs)

I CAINT HELP BUT LAUGH AT Y’ALL FLATBILL HAT, LINEBEARD, FLABBY ARM TATTOO CARDINAL SCUM. EVER DAY IS HALLER-WEEN IF YOU’S A U OF SMELLER. AIN’T NO JOY IN MUDVILLE! SLICK RICK DONE GOT SENT TO CHEATERVILLE WITH HARVEY WEINSTONE, BERNIE MADOFF, AND BOOMER ESIASON’S RADIO PARTNER. LOSERVILLE OUGHT TO APPLY FOR FEDERAL DISASTER RELIEF LIKE THEM HURRICANE TOWNS DO. MAYBE DA GUMMIT WILL SEND NATIONAL GUARDSMEN HANDIN OUT GIANT BAGS FULL OF HONESTY. OH WAIT, HOW WOULD ANY Y’ALL CARDINAL FANS EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE?

Great Day Live, October 2014

ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCAT FANS WAS LISSENIN AND LAFFING LAST WEEK WHEN YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND BROKE UP LIVE ON THE RADIO. YOU SAID, “I’LL SEE YOU TOMORRY UP ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN WHERE WE CAN CUDDLE AND I’LL KEEP TELLIN YOU HOW GREAT YOU IS!” AND THEN SLICK RICK SAID, “NAW, LARRY. STICK A FARK IN US. WE IS SPLITSVILLE. I AIN’T GONNA TALK TO YOU FOR A LONG TIME AND MAYBE NEVER! NOW I’M GOIN ON TINDER TO MEET ME A HANDSOME COACH 3 OR COACH 4!”

Leaving Rupp Arena after losing to UK, December 26, 2015

MY HEART ALMOST BROKE FOR YOU, LARRY, AFTER ALL THE EGO RUBBIN YOU DONE FOR HIM ALL THESE YEARS. HE JUST FLIPPED YOU THE BIRD LIKE HE DONE TO ALL THE WILDCAT FANS IN RUMP ARENER. AND NOW THAT’S THE LAST VISION WE EVER GONNA HAVE OF SLICK…SHOOTIN US THE BIRD.

AND NOW THE NC2A GONNA SHOOT THE BIRD…THE CARDINAL BIRD RIGHT IN THE HEART AND END IT ALL. SLICK RICK’S WHOLE CARDINAL CAREER GONNA GIT WIPED FROM THE BOOKS CUZ HE BEEN TAKIN SHOE COMPANY MONEY TO GET B-LEVEL RECRUITS. I FEEL BAD FOR YOU, LARRY. YOU TOO UGLY TO FIND A NEW BOYFRIEND AND COACH CAL DON’T WANT YOU CRAWLIN BACK TO U UH KAY. I GOT A LITTLE MISTY-EYED SEEING SLICK RICK WALKIN AWAY. COACH CAL BEAT HIM DOWN SO MANY TIMES IT WAS THE ONLY GUARANTEED VICTREE ON THE CATS SCHEDULE. NOW SLICK JUST SLIPS AWAY TO NOWHERELAND.

Hello, I’d like to report a carjacking. This is Jack speaking! (2013)

HE SAID HE AINT GONNA CALL IN TO YOUR PATHETIC SHOW NO MORE. AND TOMMY TURTLENECK DONE TODE HIS STORY TO DOUGIE PROFFITT ON TV. OH BOO HOO. THEY BOTH SAYS THEY GOT MISTREATERED BY DAVID GRUESOME AND GREG GOIN POSTAL. NOW THEY AIN’T GITTIN THEM FAT PAYCHECKS NO MORE WHILE COACH CAL AND MITCH BARNFART IS STILL MAKING MILLIONS AND DELIVERING RESULTS WITH CLASS. COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – COACH CAL’S BOOSTERS GIVE MONEY TO CHURCHES AND THEN THE PREACHERS SEE TO IT TO GIVE SOME SPECIAL SALVATION DOLLARS TO MAMAS WHO GOT TALL SONS.

THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT LEGAL, LARRY, NOT LETTING THE IDIOT FROM RED BALL SHOES GIT TRICKED BY A FBI AGENT DRESSED UP LIKE WORLD WIDE WES. Y’ALL GOT IN TOO DEEP, LARRY, AND NOW U OF SMELL IS TOAST. HAP-HAP-HAPPY HALLER-WEEN, CAT FANS. TO GIT THE FULL EFFECT, JUST LOOK AT THE HORROR IS CARDINAL FAN EYES. HEY LARRY, WHAT IN THE WORLD Y’ALL CARDINAL FANS GONNA DO FOR THANKSGIVING? YOU GOT NOTHIN TO BE THANKFUL ABOUT CEPT THAT THEM GRAMMAW STRIPPERS IS NOW GIVIN LAP DANCES IN THE RETIREMENT HOME WHERE THEY BLONG!

TOMORRY WE GITTIN OUT THE LADDER TO TAKE DOWN THEM HALLERWEEN DECORATIONS…SO WHILE WE UP THERE, HOW BOUT WE YANK DOWN THAT FAKE BANNER AND BURN IT ON ONE OF THEM COUCHES LEFTOVER FROM THE “WE BEAT TENNERSEE” STREET PARTIES! WE WENT TO KROGER AND ALL WE FOUNT WAS BRUISED ORANGES! TENNESSEE WENT DOWN AND U OF SMELL IS DOWN AND OUT FOREVER! BEST TRICK OR TREAT EVER IN WILDCAT COUNTRY! AWWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!