Mafioso: Be A Tough Guy

Along with the Hybrid Spider Monkey and the short-tailed chinchilla, there’s another endangered species nearing extinction: The Tough Guy. At some point in my lifetime, men abandoned their iron fists for Iron Chef. Everyone became sensitive and in touch with their feelings. Nowadays men call their lawyers to settle disputes in the court room — when I was growing up you called Joey, Tommy and Vinny to settle it in the parking lot. Our original American Idol wasn’t Clay Aiken — it was John Wayne. We didn’t drink Red Bull — we drank Red Label. It pains me to watch men continue on this downward spiral toward softness. So, seeing as though everyone forgot what it takes to be a tough guy, I decided to share a few tips to help mankind regain some of that old bravado.

Talk the talk

To be tough guy, you have to talk tough. Don’t curse, don’t scream, just look someone right in the eye and make sure there’s conviction behind your voice. The bum on 5th Avenue can scream about socialism and the apocalypse as much as he wants, but that recklessness won’t fly with a tough guy. Michael Corleone was the king of tough talk. His cool demeanor yet fiery stare was the ultimate vocal combination. So, when I run into some stunad who insists on breaking my balls, I never respond by yelling. I simply look in his eyes and calmly say: “I would appreciate it if you met me outside to further resolve this matter.” Only I don’t use that exact phrasing.

Take the pain, and don’t complain

Tough guys play hurt, take the pain and know that complaining is only for cafones who crave attention. The respect that comes from enduring pain is a lot better than the sympathy you get from moaning about it. President Roosevelt gave a speech despite the fact that he had just been shot in the chest. Now you have guys taking up hospital beds with a bad case of hangnail. I’m not saying you have to endure as much as Teddy, but remember that complaining is a sign of weakness, and it’s definitely not a sign that you can be a tough guy.

Choose your battles

Don’t go out looking for a fight. If you want to be a tough guy, you shouldn’t have anything to prove. A tough guy can distinguish which fights are worth fighting. No one respects a man who can’t brush off a petty altercation. However, it’s also hard to respect a man who doesn’t know when it’s time to flex. The important battles are the ones whose significance exceeds the actual confrontation. If a guy bumps into you, it’s probably not worth it. But if a guy bumps into your wife, marone, you better act.