Tag: Utah Memes

Salt Lake City, Utah- After the last state legislation session, Utah fears they are running out of things to make illegal. They continue to chisel away at alcohol, tobacco , marijuana, porn, sex, certain positions, gambling, music, dancing, too much shoulder in yearbook photos and anything remotely fun. Eventually, there will be nothing left.

The state is currently working on a new tax called “Fun Tax.” Not to be confused with “Sin Tax.” Utah’s new strategy will be to tax anything that they can’t make illegal and give you a ticket, felony, misdemeanor or minor infraction for.

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Gary Herbert in cooperation will Utah lawmakers will eventually make all Utah laws align with the Mormon Word of wisdom. The state will fully ban tobacco, coffee, tea, alcohol and all strong drinks. You will be required to use meat sparingly. All store purchases will be tracked by a unique identification number. Doesn’t matter if you’re using cash, credit or ebt. Using herbs use is highly encouraged, minus marijuana.

As Utah descends into the dark ages. Our state seems more and more like the town depicted in the 1980s movie ‘Footloose.’ Ironically, it was filmed in Utah.

“Come on down to Utah! We’re gonna party like it’s 1955!” Robin Williams

West Bountiful Police got a report of a billegerent baby urinating in the sand box at a West Bountiful Park. When they arrived on the scene. They found Brexton Tolman, a Bountiful baby, knocking back a bottle of fermented breast milk.

When the officers approached Brexton. He hunched over and spit up Gerber peas and carrots. When the officers asked him how much he drank. He replied, “Na-Na-Boo-Baby-Ga-Ga!” After refusing to take the breathalyzer test. Brexton jumped into his baby car and started pedaling. The two West Bountiful cops were too out of shape to keep up. So they chased the baby through multiple cities in their cruisers until he finally stopped to take a nap.

The chase ended in SLC, where Brexton was booked into the Salt Lake County Jail Time-Out block.

Kenzilynn Tolman, Brextons mom said “I had no idea that Brexton and his friends were stashing their old baby bottles and letting them ferment.”

“Playground Hooch is dangerous business and will not be tolerated.” Said SGT. Harry Manwood of the West Bountiful PD.

Governor Gary Herbert says “Baby’s and toddlers don’t get a free pass. The Lisa Steed Act or Lisa’s Law applies to them too. If you blow a .05, you’re going to jail. Baby, or not!”

(February 2017 — Salt Lake City, UT) If you’re looking for the sweetest spot to be on this day for lovers, you couldn’t find a better place than Mormon country. A University of Kansas study, released last week, rated Mormon men as the most potent in the country.

As part of a survey of several different ethnic groups, U Kansas researchers asked American men about their ancestry, progeny, and sexual habits. The researchers followed up the written survey with a physical inspection and detailed investigation into the sex lives of over seven hundred volunteers taken from four different ethnic groups.

Men who reported descent from at least two Mormon grandparents led the rankings in sexual activity, number of children fathered, and physical prowess, outranking Italian-Americans, Polish-Americans, and Southern Baptists.

Mormon leaders, when asked to comment on the study results, credited their success to healthy living and “following the counsel of the living prophets and honoring their priesthood.” They also noted their own longevity. Average age in the all-male Quorum of Twelve Apostles, the leading body of the Church, is 69, and nearly all the members are still active and strong.

That Mormon men are well-endowed comes as no surprise to Mormon leaders or members. In an interview last year, Mormon Church President Thomas S. Monson said that for the Mormon church size really does matter, and deviations from this are just “a blip here and a blip there.”

The university researchers, however, credit the study results to history and natural selection. “The practice of polygamy among the early Utah settlers for three and more generations,” said Dr. Ryan Bontoff, “led to heightened selection pressures on males. It’s a case of sexual dimorphism like with the peacock’s tail,” he explained. “Those males with bigger displays and more aggressive courting patterns ended up with more females, more mating opportunities, and more offspring, thus passing on their traits to the next generation.”

So are Mormon male leaders like Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, who had several dozen wives each, like the showy peacocks strutting their stuff? “The analogy that comes closer to my mind,” said Dr. Bontoff, “is probably something more like the bull elephant seal or the silverback gorilla.”

“Both [the elephant seal and the silverback gorilla] are very territorial and jealously guard their harems,” Dr. Bontoff added. “Though of course you can’t extrapolate from animal behavior to humans.”

The U Kansas study is a breakthrough in demonstrating such a rapid rate for human evolution. “Though fifty years [of polygamy] is a very small time span on the ecological time scale, it was already enough to show some effects,” Dr. Bontoff concluded.

If Dr. Bontoff and his colleagues are right, it is perhaps fortunate that Mormon polygamy ended when it did. Continuation of the practice for a few more generations might have led to a male membership of prodigious proportions.

“Breeding experiments among human beings is, obviously, prohibited by moral considerations,” notes Dr. Heidi Lindorff, co-author of the study. “So we don’t get many chances to study effects like this. But there is no mistaking it: the Mormon man is the proto-Uber-Mensch,” or super-man.

It is not known whether the mates of these super-men appreciate their good fortune. They do produce more children than average, and that fact now has a biological explanation in addition to a possible cultural one. “The Mormon men in the study were just more fecund,” said Dr. Lindorff. “When it came to impregnating females, they had a noticeably higher ‘hit’ rate.”

Researchers from the University of California -San Francisco Mobile Sperm Collection Unit noted similar results during a visit to Mormon-owned Brigham Young University last fall. “The samples we received were clearly among the best we had ever got,” said Dr. Howard Beinman, head of the Reproduction Research Laboratory, which is the home base of the Mobile Sperm Unit. “They’ve just got better juice.”

So do Mormon men make better lovers? “We would have to do a survey of their mates to find that out,” said Dr. Bontoff. “Of course, with a question like this you can’t rely on the opinions of the men themselves, and we wouldn’t want to come to any conclusions prematurely.”

Another upcoming study would focus on Mormon women from a different angle. “If we can already see selection pressure on Mormon men towards a ‘peacock’ response, we wonder if we might see a reciprocal pressure on Mormon women,” said Dr. Lindorff. “The peahen, as you know, is really a drab little bird. And that might explain some things.”

Of note in the U Kansas study is also what it did _not_ show. Neither the Catholic Polish-Americans, renowned for having large families, nor the Italian-Americans, famed as the lady-killing Don Juans of the world, showed such sexual prowess. Also interesting to note is that Southern Baptists showed no such harem tendencies which might offer Bill Clinton a biological scapegoat for his reputed sexual adventures.

The Utah Board of Tourism has just learned of the study, and is eager to make use of the results to tout Utah’s unique attractions. “Especially with the Olympics coming up” in 2002, said Don Wiley of the Tourism Board. “We think we could come up with a new slogan. ‘Land of Adventure’ and ‘Greatest Snow on Earth’ have had their day. We think we can come up with something new and exciting.”

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has declared war against masturbation, which they conclude is seriously harming the lives of young people. And they have decided to go after supplies that potential masturbators might need.

Bob Whitbread, LDS spokesperson, said the church is going to urge Utah Gov. Gary Herbert to impose limits on the sale of Vaseline and Kleenex.

“If a young man is buying large supplies of these items, it’s evident he has fallen prey to masturbation,” Whitbread said.

“The sin of masturbation occurs when a person stimulates his or her own sex organs for the purpose of sexual arousal. It is a perversion of the body’s passions. When we pervert these passions and intentionally use them for selfish, immoral purposes, we become carnal,” according to the church’s website.

Mormon-dominated Utah is known as one of the most conservative states in the union. Herbert recently signed a resolution labelling pornography a “public health crisis.” However, Utah is known to have the highest consumption of pornography in the country, according to a study by Harvard professor Benjamin Edelman.

Magna, Utah – The Angel Moroni statue stolen from the Salt Lake City LDS temple has been recovered.

The statue was removed from the Utah temple just before dusk last night. A heavily modified drone with laser cutting abilities was used to remove Moroni from the top of the building.

The golden angel was found in the garage of Magna resident Russell Jackson.

Jackson, 45, a local meth addict, has an extensive criminal record. Jackson’s criminal history includes “Theft, public lewdness, domestic violence and assault.” He also has a history of fighting with police officers.

He was arrested today at his Magna home. Jackson has been charged with grand theft, destruction of private property and criminal mischief. He also admitted to stealing items from a local Walmart located in West Valley City, Utah to commit the crime. Items included a drone, a plunger, wire, a laser pointer and miscellaneous tools. He now faces additional charges for shoplifting, modifying a cat toy laser pointing device and using a drone that has not been registered with the FAA.

The Brine Shrimp had a chance to do a brief interview with Jackson.

When we asked “What motivated you to take the statue?”Jackson replied “I needed money for meth, PBR, a mullet haircut and a good ol’ fashion Magna swing party!”

“The statue has some extensive damage but can be repaired.” Said, LDS Church Spokesman – Nephi Hyrum Smith

Jackson removed a good size chunk of the statue and whittled himself some golden teeth. Jackson planned on melting the statue down and making bikes for his small home-based business. Jackson’s business “Tricked Out Tweak Bikes'” Is quite popular with the local Magna meth community.

“I hope the Mormons will forgive me. Us, Tweakers are a lot like Mormons. We both like to ride bikes and go on missions.” Said, Jackson

He was booked into the Salt Lake County Jail and bail was set at 100,000,000 dollars.

Magna Juggalos have setup a go fund me page and plans on having a fundraiser with an ICP cover band to raise the bail money.

SALT LAKE CITY—In a move designed to help the metropolitan area attract more tourists, Salt Lake City officials unveiled a new advertising campaign Thursday reminding potential visitors that they can leave at any time. “With our new ‘Free to Leave’ campaign, we’re letting the world know that when you visit Salt Lake City, you can get out whenever you want, day or night, whether you’ve only been here for a couple of hours or a couple of days,” Mayor Ralph Becker said, emphasizing that the city’s main attractions are all conveniently located near train stations, airports, and a number of major highways. “The award-winning Hogle Zoo, Red Butte Garden and Arboretum, the Natural History Museum of Utah—these are all places you can up and leave any moment you please. And as you stroll through world-famous Temple Square, you can rest assured in knowing that, if you just hop on I-80, you can be in Nevada in about 90 minutes.” The city’s tourism officials added that if visitors don’t feel like it, they don’t even have to come at all.