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Thursday, February 3, 2011

Happy 15 Months Peanut!

Tomorrow you'd be 15 months old. I cannot even believe it. I don't know what 15 months looks like on you. I'm sure you'd be running around like a crazy man! Getting into so much trouble. I wonder what words you'd be saying. You'd have to be saying "mama" by now! I know you loved saying "dada" but I longed for the day when you'd say "mama". I wonder what you'd look like and how tall you'd be now. Daddy always said he hoped you got his genes so you didn't end up short like me :) I hate wondering all these things. I see some of your friends that are around your age and what they look like and they are SO BIG! I can't help but think how much fun you'd be...how much fun we'd have together. You'd be loving this snow! I'm sure you'd try to eat it.

The more time goes by the sadder this gets. I look at your pictures and it's like this distant memory. I know you were here and I remember all our wonderful days we had together, but the longer it gets the harder it is to imagine how you look and how you feel. It's been almost 4 months. I can't even believe I've survived 4 months. I hate that I can survive without you. I never thought I could. I don't want to, it's not fair. I deserve you and you deserve me. We deserved a life together. You're my soul mate. At your young age I totally "got" you and I felt you totally "got" me. We had this connection that's indescribable. I could just look at you and you'd laugh. I could yell at you (only a few times when you were eating your crib!!!) and you'd laugh.

So much is changing in my life right now. I feel like I'm changing. I don't feel like the same person I was when you were here. I think it's mostly because you took a big piece of me with you when you died. My outlook is clearer now on what I want and what I need. It's actually a lot simpler, which is good because the last thing I need is more complications in my life. I am battling many hurdles right now and I wish so badly you were here because it would make everything better. Thankfully I have an amazing support group of so many people near and far. You'd be amazed at these people, Noah. They continue to write, email, text, think of us and pray for us. Although I am not always the best at writing back to everyone it's important they know how much I appreciate every single message. Especially from those I've never met and those I haven't seen in years.

I hope you're having fun in heaven. I hope they celebrate each month birthday milestone like I did. I hope you're having fun with all your friends there. I want you to know I think of you every second of every day. I miss your sweet face so badly. I miss our life together. I miss the innocence and hopes and dreams that were never lived out. I just miss you. I miss you so so so so much. I can't wait until the day I can see you again.

I love this picture. It was right after your 9 month shots (hence the band aid). You didn't even cry right away. They did the shot and you were just silent for a full second or 2 and then started crying. I hated those stupid shots. But I had a bottle ready to shove in your mouth the second that shot was over to help mask that pain. Worked every time! :)

:'( whenever i see Noah i think so much about Julius. they seem so similar, with their chubby thighs and their goofy smiles. and those eyes! ♥ our boys should be here with us. our boys deserve to live and to break hearts, and graduate school, and get married, and have kids. our precious boys deserve that. and here we are, left behind and miserable. God, it's so sickening. missing our boys now and always.

btw, i felt like i could have written every.single.word of this post. wish we lived closer. ♥

I continue to think of you and pray for you. I have found this quote by Dr. Seuss comforting and I shared it as part of the eulogy I did for my grandfather this past September, "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened". What a beautiful life he had...however short it may have been. He happened and motherhood happened and that will never change.