The events of the fourth episode of E!’s hit new reality series Total Divas took place around the May 20 Monday Night Raw at the Sprint Center in Kansas City, as The Bella Twins hit the beach for their SummerSlam promotional swimsuit photo shoot while the rest of you were probably busy actually watching SummerSlam. Meanwhile, poor, poor Nattie was still only engaged to TJ (AKA Tyson Kidd), and in a huge push, she was actually the third most important part of this week’s episode, instead of fourth. Needless to say, this was a huge Sunday for Nattie.

In other Diva news, Ariane decided that she wanted breast implants so she could compete with Nikki Bella for fan favorite, because pro wrestling fans always pick their female favorites by breast size. That’s why Miss Elizabeth was always No. 2 to that lady who could crush a beer can with her boobs.

But enough about boobs, let’s get into the Total Divas recap, which is all about… boobs. Damn it.

Eva Marie And JoJo Got To Sit This One Out

Eva Marie was barely on camera so here she is at SummerSlam.

Eva Marie and JoJo were basically background extras in this episode, as Eva Marie was playing third fiddle to the Bella Twins in most scenes and JoJo probably got locked in a broom closet. In fact, that is what should have happened, because it would have been more interesting than occasionally saying, “Oh hey, there’s JoJo.”

Unlike JoJo, Eva Marie at least got some lines with her screen time, as she set up the Bella Twins’ plot line/twin feud for this week, which was a very important discussion about Internet trolls and body image. We learn that when Eva Marie posts photos of her boobs on Instagram, she gets a lot of new followers. This sentence is the only sentence in my new book, “How the Internet works.”

And then she shows a mean comment about Nikki to the twins and everyone is sad because the Internet is full of bullies.

Before we get into the actual stories of the episode, if this thing is going to be so painfully scripted and paint-by-numbers, there needs to be at least a few minutes of each episode devoted to all of the girls being in the locker room together and talking about stuff. Maybe at the beginning and end, so Nattie could start out like, “Hey girls, what did everyone do this week?” and they treat it like a flashback, so at the end they’re like, “And now all is well and here’s Eva Marie in a glued-on dress.

The Bella Twins Aren’t Twins Because BOOOOOOOOOOOOBS

Nikki won’t stop talking about her fake tits, and she tells Brie that she should get them, too. No she shouldn’t. Brie is fine as is. But Brie is upset because they were hired by the WWE because they’re twins, and they don’t look like much of twins what with Nikki’s comically large jugs distracting all of us.

For example, a nerd walked up to an autograph signing and told Nikki that she’s perfect. I assume she stopped what she was doing, broke up with John Cena and married that dude. At first I didn’t want to describe him as a nerd, because I worried it might be a With Leather reader, but if that is the case, I’d rather exhibit some tough love. Don’t ever walk up to a girl and tell her that she’s perfect. Walk up and lay a $20 bill on the table and wink at her. She’ll buckle at your bluntness.

As for that twin thing, Brie is “always worried about three pounds.” Apparently she thinks that she’s fat or doesn’t look good, which is f*cking stupid, because she’s ridiculously fit and attractive. Because of this, Brie pokes at Nikki about how she likes to get dessert all the time. Brie eats healthy because THEY’RE BOTH FAT and they have to be identical or the WWE is going to fire the really attractive women that everyone watches.

To solve both their problems, Brie challenges Nikki to 20 days without alcohol so they can cleanse and lose weight because THEY ARE SO FAT. The juice cleanse is making Nikki “unpleasant” just like everything except for John Cena buying her stuff makes her unpleasant, so naturally she cheats on the cleanse and lies to Brie. But it’s cool because she only drank wine and that has antioxidants, and you really can’t deny the same logic I used back in college when I’d chug vodka because it had less calories than beer.

Brie is really stuck on this looking like twins thing, which is hilarious because she has pelvis tattoos, and I don’t believe that Nikki has pelvis tattoos, but I would be willing to examine them both to find out. I make a lot of sacrifices for this gig.

In the end, Nikki says that the things people say about her on the Internet really hurt her, so I want to apologize to her if she’s reading this and is upset that I think she comes off as a vapid, soulless drama queen gold digger, bent on roping Cena into marriage for the sake of her own financial security. I’m not trying to hurt her feelings.

Ariane Wants Bigger Boobies, Kind Of, Not Really

In the boldest business strategy of the 21st century, Ariane and Trinity admit that they use their sexuality to sell more merchandise so they can make more money. But now Ariane wants fake boobs like Nikki, because she needs to be hotter to sell more stuff and make more money.

But before we get to that plot, it’s important to point out that when Ariane’s Chihuahua throws up, she lets it eat the puke back up. Her reasoning for this is that dogs simply like to eat their own puke. My response to this is that I’d eat tacos for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but sometimes we shouldn’t be able to do everything we want and someone needs to jack us in the face with a rolled up magazine.

Apparently when you go to a boob job examination, they send a woman with breast implants in to flash you. This is funny to Trinity, so she brings Jimmy Uso in to see the random lady’s boobs and feel her up, which leads to Jimmy being delightfully goofy. I like goofy Jimmy way more than “GRRRRRR I’M PRETENDING I’M MAD AND SMASHING THIS WELL-PLACED GLASS!”

Finally, the boob doctor comes in and Ariane’s boob jobber looks exactly like what I’d expect a plastic surgeon to look like. By the way, the Boob Jobber would be a great low tier wrestler. If the Brooklyn Brawler is still alive, I’d recommend him.

The doctor reveals that standard boob job recovery time is one to two months, at least for a pro wrestler. This is insane for Ariane to even be considering this, because she’s trying to become the fan favorite and she can’t afford a two-month break. Even if it’s for a tittyotomy. Trinity knows that this is stupid as she voices her disdain. Gee, I hope they make up before the episode is over.

Ariane decides to “test drive” her implants by wearing the gel pouches everywhere. She thinks they make her seem hotter, which is exactly what Susan B. Anthony wanted all women to believe. Obviously, angry boyfriend Vincent really likes that Ariane is getting fake boobs, and he asks if he can name them. She should have said yes, but only if she can name his eyebrows.

The WWE’s seamstress Sandra sews the implants into Ariane’s costume, which Trinity is not cool with. I completely agree with Trinity on this one. Ariane is being totally unreasonable and needs to find a new boyfriend. I know that one has nothing to do with the other, but I’d like to keep pointing out that Vincent is the worst.

After Ariane lets everyone on Earth know that she’s test driving her jiggle sacks – including for Damien Sandow, who was not having it – someone stole one of the implants. This should be the Funkadactyls’ actual storyline. Like she’d go out to the ring and interrupt a match so she could cut a promo and be like, “Who stole my titty?” That would be amazing.

Ariane ends up stuffing her bra with paper towels to make her breasts look even, instead of just taking the other implant out. Nikki admits to Cena that she stole the implant, and once again he is the voice of reason. But Nikki was right to play the prank on Ariane because she looked stupid with the implants and it was actually really funny.

Ariane finally decided not to get a boob job because she doesn’t want to send the wrong message to her fans and she’s embracing who she is. It was convenient that she was willing to walk around with the implants for one episode.

Nikki takes Nattie shopping for lingerie, so Nattie opens up that her fiancé TJ (Tyson Kidd) can’t seem to get a boner since his injury. She may have been a little more specific, but they were both trying on lingerie and I started singing my own Rage Against the Machine parody entitled, “Boobs On Parade.”

We get a glimpse into Nattie’s sad home life, and TJ basically ignores her and cares more about their pet cats. He’s a guy with cats. Specifically, this cat:

And he ignores her when she wears her new lingerie in front of him. Without actually saying it, she makes a comment that he’s probably gay for Daniel Bryan. Aren’t we all at this point?

Nattie wants a “small wedding” of 150 people. That’s not small. That’s big. TJ doesn’t care because he doesn’t care about anything. Seriously, short of setting his cat on fire, I don’t think this guy has emotions. He really reminds me of the congressman from Parks and Rec that just stares at the wall and smiles.

In a strange and rare twist of romanticism, TJ takes Nattie to the courthouse so they “can just get this done now” and have a quickie marriage. Nattie’s life is basically an updated plot point from The Wedding Singer. TJ’s simply not romantic and Nattie is. This is a problem for her so she says his name at the end of every sentence. Also, she breaks off their marriage. I predict this lasts 15 minutes.

Wouldn’t you know… TJ surprises Nattie with flowers and strawberries. He’s not a psychic and can’t read her mind about her wanting romance, and she apologizes for being a bridezilla, so they settle on a beach wedding with his stupid cat as the ring bearer. We’re led to believe they finally bone, but they probably didn’t because POOR NATTIE.

On The Next Episode: Nattie goes toe-to-toe with TJ’s mom who is creepily frisky with him, while Nikki and Cena talk about her dad and Eva Marie looks really good in tight workout clothes. Take notice, Emmy voters.

That whole thing about Ariane deciding not to get implants because she wants to set a good example to her fans reminded me of AJ, who buys all the pieces of her ring attire from Target so the kids and women that want to dress like her can afford to, and who presumably turned down a role on Total Divas for similarly example setting reasons. AJ is awesome.

Last week’s episode revolved around the KC Raw, no? When Ariane asks Sandra to sew the implants into her costume, you can see the names of Calgary Flames greats Jarome Iginla, Theoren Fluery, and Al McGuiness painted onto the wall, suggesting that this episode of Raw takes place in the SaddleDome.

I guess the episode takes place over more than one week. Cause they’re in KC in the beginning (5/20 RAW) and Calgary at the end (5/27 RAW) …I’m just happy we didn’t have to relive the horrible Bella Twin/Natalya’s birthday segment from that episode’s Raw.

Anyone else notice that the match the Bellas are watching on the monitor is Brodus/Tensai/Khali vs. 3MB, but when Cena’s standing there talking to them, Khali’s stumbling around in the background? I know the whole show’s fake, but it’s a little disappointing to see the editors be that sloppy about it.