Mortuaries and Football postgames can both be pretty awkward

Joey Millwood

Thursday

Nov 7, 2013 at 10:30 PM

I was in line at a mortuary one time.
The deceased was a relative of some dear friends of ours (me and my wife) and we were there to pay our respect.
I don't always do well with people in awkward situations and in my mind, mortuaries and funerals are awkward. Half the time, you don't know 95 percent of the people in the room unless of course you're the one receiving friends for a lost loved one. And even then, random cousins appear that you've never met.
I'm not making fun of "receiving friends" events.
I just don't do well in crowds, especially crowds of people that I really don't know. That was the case as I stood in a long line of folks that wanted to express some sort of sympathy for the family that lost a loved one.
We'd been standing in this line for what felt like hours. I was sweating. I'd run out of things to have a whisper conversation with my wife about. I thought it'd be disrespectful to have my phone out. I was trying not to stare at anyone else in line. I was trying not to keep checking the time.
I was trying not to scratch my head. Anytime I'm uncomfortable, you'd think I'd have fleas. Often, I'll sit in church and if someone is sitting in the pew directly behind me, I'll be scratching my head like I have a terrible case of dandruff or something. I can't explain it. The nervousness and awkwardness of having someone stand or sit directly behind me makes me itch.
When I buy concert tickets, I have to call Ticketmaster directly because I have to have aisle seats. There's nothing worse — especially since I'm fat — than to have a person on either side of me, even if one of those people is my wife.
It suffocates me.
So here I am. I'm a sweaty mess. My wife and I are inching up the line in an awkward silence. I've nodded to everyone already around me. I can just now start to see the line of family members shaking hands of the people in front of me.
As we inched closer, I began to panic. My mind was racing. What in the world was I going to say? It felt like my brain had been hit by lightning and I was waiting on it to reset. All the while, I was just two people away from having to actually speak to a stranger about their lost loved one.
My brain was screaming.
Just as I was about to lean in for one last whisper conversation with my wife, the person in front of her had the shortest conversation known to mankind. I'm talking seconds. I mean, it took like two hours for me to get to that point in the line and when I actually want the line to move slower, this lady has a conversation that would rival Superman's flight speed.
I had no choice but to walk up and shake the guy's hand.
There are so many things to say to people in this situation. The obvious thing is to just say, "I'm sorry for your loss." Some people say those exact words to all 30 family members in the line. Those words never found their way to my mouth.
I stood in front of this guy in an awkward silence. I was sweating. I had a hand in my hair, scratching like I a cartoon dog. I was staring at this guy with what I'm sure was a painful expression. It felt like everyone was staring at me — my wife, the guy, the next person in the family line and all the people in the line behind me. The older gentleman in the coffin was probably staring at me by now.
Finally, I looked at the guy and the dumbest words on earth rolled out.
"How's it going?" I asked.
Talking to coaches after a loss can sometimes be that awkward. Nowhere near as funny, but pretty awkward. As a preps reporter, you try to focus on the positives. That doesn't always work. In the past, I've interviewed coaches after tough losses and have witnessed crying, cursing, an angry face and I've even had coaches just walk away. Playoff losses can be the worst.
I just try to keep questions open-ended and painless.
This week is the last regular season of local football. That's hard to believe. The losses will only get tougher from here and the wins will only get sweeter. Here are my picks for this week's contests.
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Last week: 12-3
Season: 128-49
Games back: 17
Brevard at Pisgah
This one suddenly got a little more interesting. Brevard showed some defense prowess last week and beat a good North Henderson team. The tricky part this week is that Pisgah lost to Smoky Mountain. Can Chase Brooks and Mikel Minugh score enough points to beat Pisgah on the road? How will Pisgah respond to the surprising loss to Smoky Mountain? I think Brevard will make it a game until the 4th quarter and the Bears will pull away … Pisgah, 35-17.
North Henderson at Smoky Mountain
North Henderson is a much better team than its record suggests. It's been a tough season for the Knights. North lost its senior quarterback who quite possibly was the best quarterback in Western North Carolina. They've played tough despite the loss and North's defense has grown by leaps and bounds since last season. I think Smoky Mountain will be walking tall after the Pisgah upset last week. North goes on the road to win this one … 24-21.
Hendersonville at Polk Co.
I've watched both these teams against the same opponent the last two weeks. I watched mistakes and penalties kill Hendersonville two weeks ago on its home field against Owen. Then, last week I watched Polk dismantle the Warhorses and shut down one of the best tailbacks in WNC. You can't really predict this game based on those two performances. This is a rivalry game. There are no records. There's only pride. I think Hendersonville matches up better with the Wolverine defense. The Bearcats have more athletes than the Warhorses did. I still think the Wolverine defense gives Polk the edge in this matchup. The way the Wolverines penetrated and lit up the Warhorse tailbacks in the backfield is still etched into my brain. Polk wins this one at home to earn an outright conference title … Polk, 35-30.
East Henderson at West Henderson
The only thing certain about this game is that one of these two teams will finish the season with one win and the other will have its first winless season in a long time. The difference in this game will be the West Henderson offense. The Falcons have been able to score on some good teams this year. Quarterback William Crouch and tailback Alex Ball should be enough to get the Falcons the win … West, 21-14.
ERWIN at Asheville
ROBERSON at Enka
North Buncombe at REYNOLDS
FRANKLIN at Tuscola
Mountain Heritage at MADISON
AVERY COUNTY at Mitchell
ROBBINSVILLE at Cherokee
ANDREWS at Hayesville
Murphy at SWAIN COUNTY

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