Less than a mile in I could feel my heart rate climbing. I live in Arkansas. Arkansas in May can be 50 degrees for the high or 100. Choose your day. We are in the south and we are in the line of every different weather system that percolates, coast to coast - border to border. Well today at 8:00 a.m. it was 80 degrees with 85% humidity, I think. If you don't know what that's like, turn your shower on hot and close the bathroom door. Now try to breathe. Yeah...that's what I'm talking about. Running in a Sauna.

I have done 5ks all year. I have gone out for 6 and 7 mile run/walks. I have shown up and executed my goal and even though I'm slow as molasses, I can pretty much do what I want if I respect my limitations. Not today.

As mentioned, heart rate started climbing, I backed off just enough to breathe while staying in front of the stroller pusher and woman that looked like she was sorry she signed up. (Not to put down the moms and dads with strollers - 99% of them are faster than me. But I thought I could out pace this one) So I labored on. I just didn't feel right. I thought it will pass. I will warm up and it will ease. It did not.

I had my moments, I rallied around mile three. I did a little jog. I slowed to walk again, and back goes the heart rate. Finally,at about 3.5 I stop and sit on a fire hydrant. Just a little time out leaning and resting and I will be on my way, I'm sure of it. No dice. As I start out again, heart still racing I am now dizzy. Well crap. This isn't my day. On the way out to the turn around point, I see running buddies heading back in...they look beat. Everyone is soaked from sweat and ice water dumps from dixie cups down their backs, their fronts, their anywheres...everyone is struggling...I keep moving.

Finally at 3.97 I see the EMS guys in their golf cart thingy. I think - u know, I should just let them check my heart rate so I will feel better finishing, knowing its all okay. Well surprise surprise...they say its not. My heart rate is 165 and they tell me I should stop. I burst into tears and I'm sure these three EMT guys are like OMG lady - what gives? I'm blubbering, "But I'm so close", as if its the Olympics and my country is counting on me. But you know, to me it is. And I was counting on me.

I calm down realizing these guys don't get paid enough to deal with me and my dramarama meltdown. I relinquish the right to push myself into a stroke and face forward in the cart for the drive of shame. Oh my gosh...could we pass any closer to the finish line and all the people who DID finish?

But here's the deal. It could be embarrassing and I started to give into that. I could feel shame and it was tempting to go there. I could feel sad and let down and I admit, I do a little. But if we don't get out and try and push and take risks - you know where we will be? On the couch.

So let me be your poster child for what could go wrong and did. I signed up for my first 10k hopeful it would be a beautiful May day with birds singing and a breeze blowing. It was not. It was and is the humid, dreadful precursor to tornadoes kind of day you only know of if you live somewhere near the Mason Dixon Line. Then, I obviously need to see my doctor and find out if it was just the heat or some other problem in combination. (I suspect low potassium as I have been having muscle cramps at night and a few other heart rate experiences). So dreadful humidity and epic body malfunction but hey it happens - we don't have control of these things.

I don't regret trying. And I will try again. So there it is. The meltdown happened, I survived. I will be back out there and I will thrive. There was a time a trip to the grocery store wiped me out. If I'm gonna wipe out better to do it in search of glory and the right to put that 10k sticker on my back glass than to wipe out in search of the chip aisle! I like my meltdowns hot baby...Hot and Sweaty, they don't stock that on the chip aisle!

5.17.2017

Yep you guessed it. If you read the title. My get up and go has got up and gone...away - away, away. I'm left wondering when, where, and why because I already figured out the who, is me, and the what, is me minus motivation. How, I'm saving her for later...

So when? When did I go from highly motivated to highly unmotivated? From "No Excuses" to "Excuse me but I don't think I'm going running today". An argument could be made for it happened the day I did the half marathon relay...because I reached a high and lofty goal and couldn't be bothered with another. I don't think so. Or it could have been when summer heat gave way to fall doldrums or winter blues gave way to spring heat...eh, maybe. That sounds more like it but I'm not convinced. It could have been when I added more run to my walk and my knees started barking back at me. For sure, pain is a great de-motivator. It could be the course I'm running sequentially in life, it randomly added some life hurdles...the kind of stuff you don't post about on Facebook or blogs, personal stuff. (and yes young folks, there are some things you can and should keep between you, God and a close friend or two.)

Part of the why is maybe that I live in a little town about 30 minutes from the people I run with. There are a few runners here in my little village but the ones I know have already plugged into their own group or they are way faster than me and not into swimming in the kiddie pool, I'm guessing. But this isn't really the why. Because, I can go it alone and I have and I can, but I'm not...

So when is covered. Sometime recently. Where is like, who cares and why, the why, I really can't say for sure. Why always seems to end up sounding like excuses. I do know, when you don't feel good inside or outside it can really bum your run. And believe me, my run is bummed. But why is so elusive and yet deep down, all I know is I just don't feel like it. I don't feel like overcoming the hurdles, the excuses, the work of it all...like a tantrum kid in action alley at Walmart, I'm throwing a fit, folks are looking and I couldn't even tell you what I need make the tantrum stop. I'm just tantrumming away....with no end in sight.

And the main thing about all this who, what, when and why is - I just don't know if I can look any deeper at those. I don't think I can waste anymore time rolling around in the sty. I know the reasons and they are rooted in dysfunction, in bad habits, in negative thinking, in letting my apathy run amok. Wait, did you just write Apathy? You did...you said it, well you typed it, (me talking to me.) Yeah, I said it and this is gonna hurt, but here goes. Apathy - that is what crawled up in my running shoes and died. And believe me - it stinks.

Oh lordy how it burns in me sometimes. I chase that sneaky little bastard away but he comes lurking back, disguised as all kinds of excuses and some are really good - but seriously, APATHY is a lying, cheating, passive-agressive, run robber. He stays around the edges like a dealer hovering by the playground...waiting to attack. And he's a charmer, I'll say. He reminds me of my past buys, the other times I fell off the run wagon. He somehow makes me feel like I've already given in just because he is even there talking to me. Cue the thunderous music...but wait, there is still a HOW!

HOW! How is my champion. How is the cavalry. How is the hero on the white horse. But you know what the face of how looks like? It looks just like me. It looks like me remembering I'm a warrior. Me remembering I'm a fighter. Me remembering I'm no quitter. Me - I'm the how. I'm the only how that will ever show up, show out and keep apathy at bay. I'm the only how that can make a change in my life and by golly (as we say in the sticks) make that apathy run for the hills. There is no magic formula. It is setting my alarm for the early run even if I stayed up too late and had a second glass of wine. It is laying out my running clothes even if I had a long day. It is me doing the follow through even if I have a dozen legitimate reasons I could stay home. I'm the only HOW that will ever stick. The only how that can turn this around.

So there. I said it. I owned it. It's time. (Me talking to me in yet another aside, "Do you hear me? It's time." Me answering me, "Okay, Okay, I hear you. Be the HOW. Be the HOW, NOW!!! Get my MoJo on the GO GO!") Those two are so cute when they squabble...

About Me

Fast forward... when I started this blog I was 46. I am now 51. I am trying to reclaim my life and my weight. I want to share my journey with others and honestly, record it for myself. Feel free to follow...