Waiting is the end of the line

ARYN CORLEY

Published 7:00 pm, Monday, May 11, 2009

Everywhere I go there is one. When I see one, I go the other way. I can go halfway across the country and there’ll be another one, maybe two. In fact, they’re all over the world. Across all cultures and socioeconomic strata people love them and want to be a part of them. Some people love to make their own.

Personally, I detest them.

I hate lines.

A line will either drain you of your time or money. Oftentimes it’s both.

As a species, there must be something in our biological code that compels use to stand behind another person and wait for something. Whether it’s a need for human companionship or Hannah Montana tickets, it never ceases to amaze me just how long people are willing to wait in line. I’m not very good at it because it requires a level of patience and self-discipline that I lack.

Every time I end up in a line, I start feeling like David Banner just before he morphs into the Incredible Hulk. Sadly, I’ve never been exposed to gamma radiation. So, the only thing I’m capable of morphing into is the Incredulous Sulk.

I don’t understand how people can do it.

People will stand in line to wait for some of the craziest things. Lately, it seems that when there is a new video game system to come out, legions of techno-nerds will line up for days prior to the release so they can be the first ones to get their hands on that little piece of digital heaven.

Science fiction fans will often dress up in costume and hold impromptu conventions while they wait in line for movie tickets to go on sale. I often wonder if these people’s bosses wish they could show that kind of dedication at work. This is all based on the assumption that the guy who dressed like a mangy Wookie actually has a job.

My earliest recollection of line-waiting goes all the way back to my days in elementary school. On field trips, we would be herded from place to place like a company of incorrigible munchkins. The only instructions we were given was to line up and stay quiet. It was oppressive. However, I wasn’t going to let that ruin my trip to the meat packing plant. It was worth jumping out of line to go talk with anyone wearing pigtails.

During my time in the military, I wasted a lot of time examining the backs of people’s heads. So much time, I should’ve gotten college credit hours. In basic training, we would march (in line) to the chow hall, wait for chow (in line), then go back and wait at the barracks (in line).

On one particular day, my drill sergeant was giving me all kinds of maternal attention. After all, for six weeks, he was a real mother. Anyway, he asked me what I was being trained for. The response he was looking for was “killer,” “blood thirsty,” “rabid Hun,” or any other gear of war. When I shouted, “I’m being trained to wait in line, sergeant!,” I almost got a snicker from him. The standard price for almost making your drill sergeant lose his military bearing is about 100,000 push-ups. Thankfully, they had an installment plan.

The next time you see one of our young soldiers, sailors, marines, or airmen, thank them for the incredible amount of line waiting it takes to preserve this country’s freedom.

The main problem with waiting in lines is the complete lack of entertainment. Lines, by their nature, just aren’t fun. This is exactly why places like Six Flags and Disney World have rides. It gives you something to do between the times that you wait in line! Even Wal-Mart has televisions to take your mind off the fact that you’re waiting in line and there are 20 empty unmanned registers.

My wife likes to talk to people when she’s waiting in line. For her, it’s a social event. She could be waiting in line and then suddenly have everyone singing “How Great Thou Art.” It’s creepy. My dad despises line waiting. I think I get that from him. The two of us were waiting for three hours for a shuttle one time. We were both so livid that we didn’t talk for the next eight hours. Luckily, most of that was sleep time.

I guess there’s no avoiding it. As long as there are people on this planet, there will be a line to stand in.