Look, I'm not dumb. I know you usually skip this part to get straight to your team's blurb. I can write all I want about "The Cannonball Run" or "13 Going on 30," and you'll never notice. I could tell you Jennifer Garner is in fact prettier than Angelina Jolie, and you won't argue. I might even be able to sneak some Power Rankings opinions through without thousands bashing me for not ranking the Detroit Lions and their back-to-backone-point wins higher.

@HarrisonNFL@nfl you should be replaced by an orangutan that points to team logos or an octopus. Would probably be more accurate.

E.H., if there's anything I know, it's this: 1) You shouldn't power rank, 2) you have an incredibly sexy name, and 3) pick the Broncos this week. You'll sound cool. Good luck with your hamstrings (I read y'all's Twitter walls. Be wary.)

Speaking of hamstrings, it's nice to see Arian Foster healthy this year. Nobody seems to notice that No. 23 in Houston is rolling. How will his Texans do? See below. If you disagree with that or any other pick, please tweet the right Elliot Harrison, OK? It's @HarrisonNFL.

Now, let's get to it!

Elliot Harrison went 10-5 on his predictions for Week 8, giving him a record of 76-44-1 so far this season. How will he fare in Week 9? His picks are below.

It's a matchup matched only by
Jaguars-Bengals in anticipatory excitement: Bucs at
Browns.
Glennon! ... Hoyer! ... It's the NFL on Fox! Cleveland has allowed a mere 47 points over the past three weeks. Of course, that stretch included games against
the Jaguarsand Raiders. Still, the
Brownslook better on tape. Tampa Bay, on the other hand, has looked terrible on tape. In the unbelievable stat category, the Bucs are averaging 9.08 yards to go on second down. Say what? Hey, give that offense credit: It's grinding out almost 34 inches on first down. Think this will be a 25-attempt week for
Brian Hoyer, and the
Browns will improve to 5-3.
#TBvsCLE

This will be a tough day at the office for
Nick Foles and that Philly offense. Between the
Eagles' line problems and the presence of
Jadeveon Clowney and
J.J. Watt (a mismatch for anyone), points might be scarce down in Houston. That goes for the
Texans, as well, as
Ryan Fitzpatrick has been no stranger to turnovers in his career. Bear in mind that Philadelphia leads the NFL in defensive and special teams touchdowns. Thinking this game features two: one by the
Eagles' defense and one by backup Houston running back and special teamer
Alfred Blue, who pulls a double-dip with his second blocked-punt score of the season. It's gonna happen, folks. I don't want to give away too many of
Blue's clues, but he won't vulture any touchdowns from
Arian Foster, who will score again and top 100 yards for the seventh time in 2014. Check out his per-game rushing yardage this season: 103, 138, 6, 157, 109, 102 and 151.
#PHIvsHOU

Sunday1 PM ETCBS2713

The last time the
Jets (1-7) dropped eight games in a row,
Ki-Jana Carter was the next big running back,
the Ford Probe GT had women swooning across the continental United States and Rich Kotite was sporting
Jets Zubaz on the sideline. You remember that era of
Jets football, complete with Keyshawn Johnson hating on a receiver who was better than him, and also featuring Hugh Douglas, years before he anointed himself "badassador" of the
Eagles.

Now that we got that out of the way,
how will Michael Vick fare against a Kansas City defense that's been dominant on pro football's most important down? The host
Chiefs are holding opponents to a 32.9 percent conversion rate on third down,
the third-best mark in the NFL. You want bananas stats, consider this:
Alex Smith averaged 2 air yards per throw in last week's
win over the Rams. He might not be Checkdown Charlie, but he certainly isn't Big-Air Al, either. Not that he needs to be. Just think that's a cool stat.
#NYJvsKC

These two teams will presumably be fighting for an AFC wild-card spot, unless Denver or New England falls off. The cool thing is that
the Broncos and Patriots are playing each other Sunday, meaning Week 9 might present the best chance for the winner of this one to gain ground in their division, depending on the outcome in Foxborough. Miami still has no vertical game, as evidenced by the fact that the host
Dolphins are the only team in the league that has scored zero offensive touchdowns from
outside the red zone.
#SDvsMIA

Sunday1 PM ETFOX1714

Remember the halcyon days of Week 4, when we all thought
Teddy Bridgewater was going to ball out after watching him throw for 317 yards and run for a touchdown in
his first career start? Yeah, everyone's bailing on that notion now. The
Vikings' offensive line has had its struggles, and Bridgewater's yards-per-attempt mark in October (5.58) is indicative of a quarterback who either can't get the ball down the field or doesn't have enough time to do so. Coincidentally, Minnesota produced 558 yards in the aforementioned game, a win over the
Falcons.

This game will obviously be a ratings magnet. One of the more interesting things I heard discussed on the radio this week was how the
Broncos' back seven is almost all new, thanks to free-agency defections, injuries and additions. Middle linebacker
Nate Irving, who started just a handful of games last year, has been made a full-timer, as has outside linebacker
Brandon Marshall. The other outside linebacker,
Von Miller, missed almost half of last season. Ditto for safety
Rahim Moore. Safety
T.J. Ward, meanwhile, was signed this offseason, along with corner
Aqib Talib.

I was thinking there'd be absolutely, positively no chance the
Raiders could win in Seattle -- until the other day, when I encountered two male staffers at NFL Media who had never seen
"Predator," a fact that made me question
everything I thought I knew. Seriously, how is that even possible?

Oh
boy is this a crucial game. If the
Ravens win, they sweep the all-important head-to-head series. If the host
Steelers win, Baltimore falls to 2-3 in the AFC North. Obviously, this is a huge matchup for both teams. Given the way
Ben Roethlisberger has played his year, I feel he'll have another solid performance for Pittsburgh, maybe 22 of 29 for 285 yards, two touchdowns and a pick. The key is really this: Which
Joe Flacco shows up? Check out
the week-by-week passer rating for Baltimore's quarterback: 71.0 in Week 1, 109.3, 79.6, 137.4, 65.1, 146.0, 91.8 and 43.1 in Week 8. That's pretty much all over the map.
#BALvsPIT

Monday8:30 PM ETESPN3423

While watching
"Up in the Air" the other night, I wondered a) why I was watching "Up in the Air" again, and b) why the
Colts don't turn to the ground game more often. Indy runs the football just 38 percent of the time. Given how effective
Ahmad Bradshaw has been (4.9 yards per carry on 76 attempts), why not give the man the rock five to eight more times per game? For what it's worth, Bradshaw will also be going against his former team in New Jersey, where he was a nice complement for
Eli Manning and whomever else the
Giants were throwing out there, from Derrick Ward to Brandon Jacobs.

ALREADY COMPLETED

Thursday8:25 PM ETNFL Network2420

Dear diary ... I love
Drew Brees. If I could have a football boyfriend, he would be it. How does he do it, week in and week out, with a hit-and-miss running game, a mostly-miss defense and his best receiver being a rookie (
Brandin Cooks) who is still learning what he's doing out there? The host
Panthers had better have an answer for Cooks and tight end
Jimmy Graham, who is obviously back in the mix. Yet, the real concern might be
Saints running back
Mark Ingram. We remember what happened to Carolina's run defense
the last time this team played in prime time: Pittsburgh racked up 264 yards. And yes,
Luke Kuechly played that night.
#NOvsCAR