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Bush and Cheney Deny Employing Dementors at Guantanamo Bay

Guantanamo Bay, CU—George Bush and Dick Cheney are adamantly denying the use of Dementors in any Black Magic Ops between 2002 and 2008. Allegations are surfacing that cruel and very unusual punishment was implemented on several suspected Al Qaeda terrorists. One Guantanamo detainee claims they were forced to watch certain Azkaban scenes from that Harry Potter movie “Clockwork Orange style.” Another inmate said he was told Dementors circle the island and they would suck out the souls of any would-be escapees. Some even claim that during many good cop/bad cop interrogation strategies, Dementors filled the role of bad cop.

When asked if these Dementors might simply have been CIA agents in dark hoods, one detainee responded, “Ummm, have you ever had part of your soul ripped out through your nostrils?”

Despite the controversy, Bush stands by his enhanced enchantment techniques.

“Sure we threatened to use them, which netted us actionable intelligence. It saved American lives,” said Bush.

But the former President denies Dementors were ever directly on the CIA’s payroll and he dismisses such rumors as liberal propaganda.

When questioned, former Vice President Dick Cheney refused to address allegations of his own involvement in an even more clandestine Secret Dementor Program.

“Why are you asking me this? Do I look like the kind of guy who would….never mind. Just fuck off,” said Cheney.

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. View all posts by Mick Zano →