All week long, we'll
be keeping track of the weather conditions for Super Bowl XLVIII. Here is your Monday update.

Current Temperature: 38
degrees

Wind Chill: -47
degrees Kelvin

Feels like: You
have been shipwrecked upon a vast, deserted sub-Antarctic island, with very
little in the way of game to hunt. To
the southeast, you will find a horde of sea lions that can be clubbed and used
for both food and candle tallow. But
soon the pack will travel north, and then what will you do?

Barometric pressure:
I have no idea what that is.

Winds: 57 knots,
blowing south by southeast by northeast by west by south-southwest

Chance of raining
glass: 31%

Will you die? Not quite yet. But soon.
Soon.

Extended Super Bowl
forecast: Darkness. Darkness shall creep over the lands and
shroud us all in its cold, dead grip. It
will slither down the hills and around the trees and smother you, filling your
mouth and anus with impenetrable blackness, colonizing your body like some kind
of alien cancer. You will succumb. You cannot
stop the dark. Wear a
scarf.