SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, May 26, 2013 Edition

Pelosi
Absolves President in Spate of Scandals

House Minority Leader Nancy
Pelosi (D-Calif) sought to absolve President Obama from any blame in
the burgeoning plume of scandals surrounding his Administration by
forcefully asserting that “he doesn't necessarily know anything
about any agency of the federal government.”

The Congresswoman brushed off
reports that IRS Commissioner Doug Shulman visited the Obama White
House 118 times over a two year period during which conservative
groups were targeted as indicative of anything. “The White House is
a big place,” Pelosi said. “Just because Mr. Shulman and
President Obama were in the building doesn't necessarily mean that
they met. And even if they had, it doesn't prove that they discussed
tax matters. I understand Shulman says he was there for the Easter
Egg roll.”

Pelosi also dismissed the idea
that a chief executive has to take responsibility for the actions of
his appointed minions, calling former President Truman's famous “the
buck stops here” “worthless political grandstanding. A successful
chief executive always has a pre-planned escape route. It is the
underling's responsibility to step forward and take the blame. It's
like sacrificing a pawn to save the king in a game of chess. In fact,
the sacrificed pawns should be grateful that they have the
opportunity to play a role in advancing the President's agenda.”

In
related news, Representative Elijah Cummings (D-Md) worries that the
exposure of IRS abuses may have a chilling effect on IRS bureaucrats.
“People loyally trying to carry out the wishes of the President
should not have to fear repercussions for doing as they are told,”
Cummings asserted. “As long as they are just following orders or
genuinely taking actions they believe the President would want them
to take they ought to be immune from penalties or further scrutiny.”

Gitmo
Inmates to Be Transferred

Seeking to dampen criticism of
his handling of the War on Terror and the Internal Revenue Service's
selective intrusion into the views of his political opponents,
President Obama announced that the detention center at Guantanamo
would be closed and it's inmates “redistributed as seems most
appropriate.”

While it is expected that a
majority of the detainees will be repatriated to the Middle Eastern
Hell-holes from whence they came, those with exemplary skills are
likely to be transferred to positions within the IRS.

“The fact that people are
openly criticizing the IRS is the best evidence we have that it has
failed in its mission,” Obama said. “Obviously, the fear of being
harassed and audited is insufficient to induce the level of
compliance needed. If properly armed and aimed the most fanatical of
the Gitmo detainees could ramp up the pressure to levels that only
the tiniest few could resist.”

The President sought to reassure
that “those in full compliance with IRS directives need have no
concerns for their own safety. The Gitmo detainees will be working
under the close supervision of higher authorities under my control.
Only those who have deviated from the required path will be
targeted.”

In related news, Larry Conners,
an anchorman for KMOV in St. Louis, was fired for publicly
questioning whether the IRS targeted him after he asked President
Obama some tough questions in an interview last year. KMOV president
and general manager Mark Pimentel called the firing “a simple
precautionary move. There's no sense in us exposing everyone at KMOV
to possible IRS retaliation. Better safe than sorry.”

Weiner
Challenges Rivals to Be More Forthcoming

Former Congressman Anthony
Weiner challenged his competitors for New York City Mayor “to put
their packages out there for Voters to see. As everyone knows, I've
gone far beyond the bounds of what a typical candidate is willing to
do to inform voters about my qualifications.”

Weiner who resigned from
Congress after getting caught sending lewd photos of himself to women
asserted that he has “learned from that mistake. I resigned before
considering the full nuances of the reaction. This time there'll be
no holding back. Rather than limit my sexting to a narrowly
constrained few I will bare all for all the voters. The people of New
York deserve to know what kind of man they're getting for their
mayor. With me there'll be no secrets. Are any of my opponents
willing to be as open?”

The candidate hinted that more
lewd photos may come out, but did not expressly commit to a schedule
for when or where they might appear saying that “my opponents can
avoid humiliation by dropping out of the race.”

Kerry
Says Israeli Prosperity “an Impediment to Peace”

US Secretary of State John Kerry
complains that Israeli economic prosperity stands as “an impediment
to achieving peace in the region.”

“On the one hand, it is a
constant 'in-your-face' reminder to the Palestinians and their
supporters that Jews are better off than they are,” Kerry
explained. “It's an insult that inspires a sense of grievance
amongst the poorer Muslim and Arab communities.”

“On the other hand, it serves
as a persistent temptation,” Kerry added. “The idea of killing
the Jews and taking their money and property becomes an irresistible
urge. Killing and robbing a Jew seems less onerous than trying to
build a business, learn a trade, or work hard to make a living.”

Kerry advised the Israeli
Government “to implement policies to even out the disparities. A
broad redistribution of wealth would serve the dual purpose of
immediately assuaging Palestian feelings of inadequacy, while
simultaneously acting to moderate the recompense to historically
powerful inclinations of Jewish avarice.”

Israeli President Shimon Peres
rejected Kerry's advice calling it “the kind of time-worn,
run-of-the-mill anti-Semitism Jews have been battling against for
more than two thousand years.”

Ohio
Secretary of State Insists Vote Fraud “Not Epidemic”

Ohio Secretary of State Jon
Husted tried to reassure voters that the 135 possible voter fraud
cases his office is pursuing do not constitute “an epidemic.”

“We feel confident that the
majority of elections are probably decided in an honest fashion,”
Husted said. “To believe otherwise would lead to truly frightening
conclusions. We'd rather not go there. I mean, if people lose faith
in elections how will we choose who will govern? Living with a little
corruption is surely better than undermining the whole premise of
democracy, isn't it?”

Criticizing Obama “Offensive”
Says Aide

Daniel Pfeiffer, Senior Advisor
to the President for Strategy and Communications, denounced criticism
of President Obama in strident terms this past week, calling critics
“uppity.”

“Here we have the leader of
the free world, a Nobel Prize winner, being accosted by people unfit
to lick his boots,” Pfeiffer complained. “How low has our
civilization sunk that such effrontery is tolerated?”

Pfeiffer labeled inquiries about
Benghazi, the IRS and phone taps of reporters “fishing expeditions.
They think they're going to find some 'smoking gun' linking the
President to one or more of these incidents in some substantive way.
Well, I'm telling you it's not going to happen. The President has
insulated himself from culpability for whatever may occur. There are
strict rules about who may tell the President what that ensure he
will honestly be able to disavow all knowledge of what is going on.”

“On top of this he has an
enormously wide array of options for eliminating disloyal and
uncooperative elements both inside and outside his Administration,”
Pfeiffer pointed out. “Those chafing over getting hassled by the
IRS ought to consider themselves lucky that sterner measures weren't
used against them.”

“It all comes down to whether
people are going to show proper respect for the President,”
Pfeiffer concluded. “We cannot sit by and allow the office and the
great man who occupies it to undergo the type of heedless questioning
of its authority that we have seen over the last few weeks. Rest
assured that the President will do whatever it takes to assert and
wield that authority. The alternative is too scary to contemplate.”

McCain
Hammers GOP for Impeding Dems' Agenda

Maverick Senator John McCain
(R-Az) lashed out at his Republican colleagues in Congress for
actions he says “go too far.” The tiff arose over Democrat
maneuvers to raise the debt ceiling.

“It's alright to express an
opinion and have a debate, but in the end we've still got to let the
Democrats govern,” McCain insisted. “Repeated efforts to stymie
legislation we don't like is downright uncollegial.”

The Arizona Senator discounted
arguments that Democrats make no effort to be collegial from their
side saying that “two wrongs don't make a right. Didn't your
parents teach you that? Didn't Jesus bid us to turn the other cheek?
That's all I'm suggesting here.”

“It's not as if the substance
of this issue is crucial,” McCain argued. “What difference does
it really make whether we raise the debt ceiling? The Government is
never going to be able to pay that money back anyway. Why get our
panties in a wad over it? It's just a lot of useless motion without
result.”