If the Apocalypse comes, beep me.

Monday, August 28th 2017

Weekend Update

Macron has reportedly spent $30,000 on makeup in first three months in office. Critics are outraged by the alleged misappropriation of fund, but you wouldn’t want to see him without that makeup:

JOST

Hurricane Harvey is approaching Texas. It’s reported to be the worst storm since Katrina. With catastrophic flooding alerts, Trump insists FEMA is ready to go. So let’s go live from FEMA headquarters to speak with FEMA Director Brock Long. Mr. Long?

CUT TO: FEMA HEADQUARTERS

No one is on screen. Rows of broken computers, phones ringing off the hook. Loose wires hanging, office unkempt. Water fills the room.

JOST

Mr. Long? Are you there?

A young woman (INTERN) jumps into frame, looking frazzled and wet.

INTERN

Hello? Is someone there?

JOST

Hi. I’m sorry, who are you?

INTERN

Well I was a senior at Georgetown interning for FEMA. But now I might be the director of FEMA.

JOST

What happened to Brock Long?

INTERN

Mr. Long quit after Taylor Swift’s new song dropped. He left a resignation letter that also doubles as one of those acrostic poem.

She picks up a paper from her desk, shows JOST. She’s circled all the first letters of each paragraph.

INTERN (CONT)

The hidden message reads: “Reputation.”

JOST

How is an intern next in line for directing FEMA? What about assistant directors, specialists? Janitorial staff?

INTERN

Yeah, Trump never really made staffing a top priority. He hasn’t permanently placed heads of the NOAA or DHS which are supposed to oversee FEMA. So I’m currently in charge of those organization as well.

JOST

Okay, so what’s the plan for Hurricane Harvey?

The intern shuffles papers around.

INTERN

Uh, Prayer mostly.

JOST

Prayer?

INTERN

Trump hasn’t filled half his appointments. You’ve got a hungover college student running disaster relief for the worst storm since Katrina. You remember Katrina, right? A catastrophic hurricane where the White House was at least semi-competent and all positions were filled and ready to go??

(laughs manically)

You best be praying.

JOST

What do you say about the reports that Texas was unprepared? Evacuations were called too late or weren’t called at all, endangering the lives of hundred of thousands of citizens.

INTERN

When Hurricane Ike hit in 2008 the Texan government was supposed to implement an hurricane evacuation plan. Instead they got distracted by stripping away women’s reproductive rights and minorities’ civil rights and they forgot about the one thing that doesn’t care about your race or gender: mother-fucking-nature.

JOST

Has President Trump given FEMA any advice?

INTERN

Yeah. He highly recommended a book.

JOST

Oh, what book? Something related to hurricanes or FEMA? Maybe a book about disaster prevention or clean up?

INTERN

Yeah, no. He said it was a great book by a great guy.

(Picks up book)

It’s “Jew Will Not Replace Us” by David Duke. Now on Amazon with a forward by recently pardoned Sheriff Arpaio.

JOST

Alright, thank you for coming in. Intern from FEMA, everyone! But in all seriousness, Texas needs our help right now. To aid in the relief efforts visit redcross.org, call 1-800-REDCROSS or text HARVEY to 90999 to make a donation.