The Black Sheep

How To: Streak The Lawn

Nudity. Public nudity. Academic-sanctioned public nudity. Now that we’ve got your attention, you must be wondering how you too can participate in such a wonderful tradition that dates all the way back to TJ himself (if you haven’t already done so like 14 times). Luckily, in case you were getting hung up on just what goes into streaking, we’re here to help you out, because while this UVa tradition is talked about, no one ever gives you the courtesy of going into full detail. God forbid you “Type A” UVa students do something slightly off from the intended way. Nonetheless, here’s how to streak The Lawn the proper way:

Step 1: Take Off Your Clothes

This may seem deceptively simple. You want to make sure you’re naked, but you also want to make sure that someone watches your clothes while you streak because nothing is worse than finishing streaking only to find that some filthy Second Year has filched your Vineyard Vines blue shirt and your salmon pants. Make sure that you got your bases covered so that when you finish streaking, you can cover your “bases.”

Step 2: Running

Not everyone at UVa is in marathon condition, so maybe you should not try to get it over with as quickly as possible. Pace yourself. You want to make sure that you can run faster if you suddenly see one of your professors or maybe even your crush. Well, maybe run slower, depending on what you think of your professors and your crush. #NoJudgement. Just make sure that when you’re pulling those deceptively long hills on the way back to The Rotunda that you have enough chutzpah to make it. The last thing you want is to pass out naked on the Lawn. Or worse, trip up a muddy hill and have to visit the ER. It happens.

Step 3: Kissing Ass

Finally, something that all UVa students are good at! When you get to the bottom of The Lawn by Old Cabell Hall, you need to run around Homer Statue thrice and then kiss his ass. This can be hard depending on how short you are, but it is perfectly acceptable to blow him a kiss or try to scale up the statue and place your lips on his backside. Just don’t tell anyone you didn’t really kiss his ass if you didn’t, keep those cards close to the chest. Otherwise, your try hard classmates will peer pressure you into doing it again the right way, and you really can’t afford that shit.

Step 4: The Wall

It used to be that the streaking would start and finish on the steps of the Rotunda, but now our lovely dictator T-Sully has decided that we will not be able to walk up the Rotunda steps until it’s 2028 and the squirrels have overtaken everything. What you want to do is definitely not scale the wall because they will, like, throw you in UVa prison, which is like normal prison, except it thinks it’s better…but it’s not. Just pretend to hike the steps and look through the keyhole, telling Mr. Jefferson to have a goodnight.

Step 5: Clothe Yoself

Now you’re done, you can put your clothes back on and go about your merry business. That is, if some drunk douchebag hasn’t chucked them over the construction wall already. Also, we suggest streaking before it gets too cold because no one wants Jack Frost nipping at anything beyond their nose. Basically, avoid November, December, and January at all costs.

There you have it, five simple steps to streak. It’s not rocket science, but sometimes you just need an extra reassuring voice letting you know that it’s perfectly acceptable to endorse an activity in which barely legal teenagers get drunk, strip off their clothes, and run around naked, sometimes screaming at each other. Hoo doesn’t like the sound of that?