Let's start off with some good news, shall we? I've had a tremendous week. Audible decided to feature my first book, Critical Failures, in an audiobook sale. It shot up to the top of Amazon's Top 100 Comedy Bestsellers list right away. And while it's great to be rightfully recognized as the funniest motherfucker in the world, my real triumph was to be found on the Fantasy list.

Also, as you may recall, I've discussed some of the reasons your books may not be selling as well as you'd like them to. But those reasons involved things that you aren't doing.

Today I'd like to talk about things that you are doing which may be hindering you, namely being a huge bag of dicks.

I discovered this particular huge bag of dicks earlier in the week when this tweet was brought to my attention on my Facebook feed.

How many dicks can you cram into a 140 character bag? Christopher Mason makes a noble effort to find out. Let's take a look at everything wrong with this tweet, as it pertains to selling his shitty book.

1. He picked an author out of the ether to shit on.

I asked the subject of his vitriol, Natasha Blackthorne, if she'd ever been in contact with this guy before. She had not.

Why the fuck would someone go out of their way to shit on a total stranger out of the goddamn blue? What could Christopher Mason possibly have hoped to gain from this?

2. When picking an author out of the ether to shit on, he picked one way more successful than himself.

Ms Blackthorne's best-selling product is a bundle of books called Wild, Wicked and Wanton: A Hot Historical Romance Bundle. I haven't read it, as it's not in my preferred genre. But it's got an impressive Amazon ranking, is listed on more than one Top 100 Bestseller by category list, and has mostly favorable reviews.

3. He claims his book "matters".

Does Christopher Mason think that douchebaggery is an Olympic sport that you need to train for?

Matters to fucking who?

Certainly not me. And evidently not anyone on Amazon.

Hell, for the money Christopher Mason is making from his craptacular self-published pile of dogshit, I can't really see any justification for making the argument that it matters even to Christopher Mason. It's literally having zero effect on his miserable life.

4. His tweet contains a link for the author he wants to shit on, but not one for his own book.

What kind of lowlife piece of shit douchebag could possibly fuck up an unprovoked attack on a random stranger so mesmerizingly badly?

Did you say "A Republican politician with delusions of having a chance at being a United States congressman"?

Congratulations! You are correct!

Looking through his Twitter feed, I discovered that Christopher Mason is running to be a congressman in Maryland's 6th district. I also discovered that, if there's anything Christopher Mason is worse at than selling books to readers, it's selling himself to potential voters.

For the most part, his tweets are your standard paranoid hate-fueled ultra-conservative bullshit.

Hates immigrants.

Hates Muslims

Hates spelling and/or food.

Hates gays.

For someone so down on sodomy, he sure likes to present himself as a giant gaping asshole.

And that's all well and good. When you're trying to win the mouth-breathing, inbred, trailer park vote, these are the positions you have to take. But Chris takes his hate a bit too far for his political good, in my amateur opinion.

Hates Catholics?

Dude. You need as many of these religious nutbars as you can get.

I don't know about Maryland, but down here in Mississippi, the Catholics tend to lean pretty far to the right.

But hey, the man's running for a public office. His wacky religious beliefs shouldn't enter into it, right? I mean, surely if he intends to be a United States congressman, he believes in the sanctity of the nation's most fundamental document.

Oh shit, wait...

Hates the goddamn Constitution?!

Perhaps he was referring to a different “the Constitution” than the one he chose as his Twitter cover photo.

For any of you who are considering running for a political office, there are some lessons you can take away from Christopher Mason's strategy.

1. DO run your tweets by a fourth-grader before you post them.

2. DON'T be bugfuck insane.

Follow these two rules, and you can become a more successful politician than Christopher Mason.