Monday, September 17, 2012

Seemingly overnight, citizens on the west side of Spartanburg were surrounded by literally thousands of cute fuzzy creatures that appear to be an unidentified species of feline.

Last nights rain showers left a fog over the city, and a fog of confusion still lingers over where these creatures came from. Susan Gratty, with Spartanburg's animal control and rescue, reported their facility is almost at maximum capacity and unable to contend with the situation.

Some citizens seem more then happy to take in the apparently harmless and cuddly creatures into their homes as pets. "I rounded up about a dozen of the frisky critters so far." says local resident Wilma Haynes, "They are eating me out of house and home though, but my husband is bring groceries after he gets off work tonight after midnight."

We at Spartanburg Parody Paper Press News will follow up this story as the situation develops. Local scientists are looking into where these creatures came from, and what species they are. Stay tuned!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

A Spartanburg Sonic Drive-In was closed over the weekend due to a fight between multiple roller skating waitresses Friday. The restaurant recently hired two female employees that are members of a local roller derby team, apparently much to the dismay of the other car hop girls.

Police reports initially stated the two new employees, Autumn "Atticweapon" Warner, and Stephanie "Slaughterberry Shortcake" Davis were the only ones who didn't sustain injury, which led to the initial assumption they were responsible for the brawl, on top of the other waitresses account of the event.

"We couldn't make any tips because these new girls were hogging all the customers!" said Susan Bailey, a skating waitress at Sonic that has been working there all summer.

Video security footage of the day in question shows the two roller derby waitresses "checking" the more novice skaters. Judge Frank Barry concluded the alleged "checking" to be a legal roller derby maneuver and dropped all charges, stating the two derby girls acted in self-defense when attacked in retaliation. Sonic representatives declined to comment, other then to say the two ladies in question no longer work at the establishment.

Jerry Kippling became so frustrated this past week with trying to convince people he knew more then they did about who is really to blame for the shortcomings of the US government that he simply gave up and logged off his facebook page.

"I don't even care to check who replied to my last 10 posts, it's a heavy burden being right all the time, and frankly, it's not as fun as it used to be."

Jerry reportedly is planning on avoiding the social networking site for a few days, and hopes to post pictures of his cats upon his return, rather then rant about the perilous economic situation over the weekend.