Thursday, March 29, 2012

I'm practicing the Twitter.

One of my friends is trying to convince me to start a Twitter because she keeps taking my conversational gold nuggets and passing them off as her tweets and she's getting a lot of attention for being clever and witty and I'm only okay with this because she hasn't made any money off of me yet. So, I've been thinking about starting a Twitter where I will obviously become famous and get lots of monies, and in preparation, I spent my evening practice-tweeting in my head. Here's what I came up with:

I was in the elevator on my way home today and there were exactly three people and two dogs when I stepped in. I spent the whole ride playing with the dogs and talking to them about what good dogs they were. Did not actually say anything to the people. #thatsnormalright

Watched the entire Sarah Mclaughlin (not Googling how to spell her name) ASPCA commercial and my heart broke with a squish and all this cholesterol leaked out everywhere. #maybehavesomeoatmeal

I'm considering being a sexy web chat girl because they get paid to sit around in their underwear and just *do* stuff in front of their webcams. That's like a Wednesday night around here, but with a lot more nachos and only a few stains on my wifebeater.

I can't go to my high school reunion until I learn something worthwhile. You know, other than "booze is great" and "having boobs is awesome."

Everywhere I live, it's like I'm being haunted by landscaping noise at 7 a.m. every Tuesday and Thursday.

Did anyone else freak the fuck out the first time they figured out how to chat online? Oh, AOL.

I want lickable wall paper in my house and I want it to taste like lasagna.

Dead people I would have loved to party with: Lux Interior, Hemingway, Hunter S. Thompson, Oscar Wilde, Vonnegut, maybe Jesus. (If there's room in the car.)

Sometimes I drink by myself because I feel like with everything I'm doing wrong as a writer, I can at least do one thing right. And then I feel accomplished drunk! #drinkyourwaytosuccess

One time, I heard this girl say that the sweetest words a man could say were "I'll buy it for you." I'm pretty sure the sweetest words are actually "Let's watch Army of Darkness and make out."

True story: I silenced an entire room for making a poorly-timed joke about stapling bread to my shirt and going to a costume party as a yeast infection. #ladylikedefined

Pets I still want that I'm not allowed to have: a velociraptor, a great white shark, an octopus, a killer whale, a baby pygmy hippo (but just as a baby), a wolf, Predator, and a ghost.

Everyone contributes something to the world. I think my gift to the world is to give advice that no one asks for. You're welcome.