They must have been mistaken on the paperwork, but what a shock to us.

Still no insurance check. Funeral bill had to be paid weeks ago. Not impressed with Mutual of Omaha's customer service. Wonder what they would do if I took weeks to pay the premium. It wasn't much, but every little bit counts. O well.... Life is short.

I had a very productive day. Got a lot of cleaning done, but paying for it now in back pain.

At this rate, I should have all the cabinets cleaned out in the year 2013.

Dear God ... I just stumbled upon this thread and the admiration I have for you knows no bounds. The raw pain you express as you walk us through everything you and your family are dealing with ... I can't even imagine what your days are like now ... though you are certainly giving me a "no holes barred" look deep into your soul.

Maybe it is your "destiny" to write a book about this. Perhaps it will ease some of your own daily pain, as you continue to work through it, but it will also serve to help others who tragically must go through the same thing in their own lives.

I could never comprehend how anyone could take the life of another human being. Life is given to us by God, and only God has the right to take it away. I cannot even imagine how someone else could presume to fill God's role and decide when another is to die ... but clearly we have people like that in this world, and that's why we have so much pain ... the pain you and your family are clearly going through, and to some extent will always have to live with ... until the end of your days when you, as well, will join Joe in that heavenly place.

I too have a firm belief in God. I'm a "show me" type of person and have always been. When I was young and incredibly stupid I used to proudly profess my athesim. I remember ... and even have a tape ... from a radio show I did in the 1970's ... when the host asked me if I believed in God. I almost proudly told him no. I laugh at that today. So much has happened to me in the intervening years.

God has made his presence known to me in many ways. He has saved my life several times ... most recently last year when my health took a dangerous downward spiral and he "forced" me to seek medical attention (I'm one of these people very distrustful of doctors). He saved my life back in the late 90's ... when my incompetence at parachuting almost killed me (it was a sport I never truly mastered and should have given up long before). Now, of course, people will say "how do you know God saved your life? It could have just been circumstance." No, God has spoken to me many times, probably through his angels ... and the things said were things that maybe deep down I knew, but never on the surface. The things He shared with me were things so personal that they could only have come from Him.

When you say you talk to Joe ... believe me, I understand that. And you can truly believe it is Joe comforting you. You see, none of us ever truly "dies." There really is no such thing as death ... just an earthly departing from this realm and onto the next. Joe still lives, he's just in another realm, a far better realm than the world in which we live today. But, our capacity to thrive in that realm is very much dependent on how we perform in this one. I firmly believe we ALL have a purpose here ... something we are fully aware of when we arrive, but that we often lose touch with while here. Joe apparently served his purpose ... whatever that was ... and was "allowed" to go on home. His passing onward may be the "trigger" for the completion of your own life's purpose. Perhaps that purpose may involve helping others to deal with the grief and horrific pain of just the sort of thing you are going through. Perhaps writing a book could be one way of doing that. Getting involved in a victim's support group could be another. I don't pretend to know for sure what your purpose is ... and can only conjecture. Prayer will be the only thing that will reveal that to you. I suggest you pray about it, ask Joe about it, meditate about it ... and the answers will come ... of that I am 110% sure.

God is good. Believe that. Despite the pain you are going through right now, he will get you through it ... and make you a better person ... a stronger family as a result. In the Good Book He tells us ... and I paraphrase ... "I am here to prosper you, and not harm you." That's the wonder of God. He takes even the worst circumstances and squeezes the good out of them.

Your heart is broken over the loss of your son. God will ease your pain, though I doubt it will ever go away. But he will give you and your family the strength to squeeze the good out of it, and you can rest assured that Joe will be with you throughout the process. The Lord will see to that.

You mention that you don't feel Joe's presence as much ... and you think that he has gone on to help others. That is probably true. Only God is omnipresent and can be in several places at once. There is no evidence that we ... even in the next realm ... have that capability. If Joe is helping others, then yes, in that moment he can't be with you too. But that doesn't mean he won't often be back ... checking on you and the rest of his family ... and lending a hand whenever necessary.

I thank you and admire you for sharing your journey with us. I am particularly heartened when you say that you don't hate the shooter, but rather feel his family's pain ... and pray for them. That way of thinking shows just how far you have already come in your journey toward healing. The fact that you are willing to share that journey with us is further evidence of your progress.

Blue skies ... and rest assured Joe is flying through them ... and loving every minute of it ...

It was very well said. I was at a low point last night, and happened to see your post. It made me feel so much better.

Cruising... So many have asked, and others have wondered, will we ever cruise again?

We have actually talked about it. We all loved to cruise, but Joe enjoyed it the most. He came alive on a cruise ship. It might have had something to do with 2000 people trapped on a ship with him.

In 2005 we took our first cruise. Joe was 16 and Josh was 17. He looked at me after we got settled in our rooms, and said "Now what do I do?"

I told him that I had heard that during the summer there were lots of teens on board the ships, so maybe he could go and try to find some.

A little later I went to look for him, to see if he had found something to do. I was told to go to the teen club, so that is where I headed.

At the door was a Carnival employee, who I thought was checking ID's, but it turned out to be the teen host, who normally leads the activities for the teens.

I went in to see if I could see Joe, and there he was in the middle of the club, microphone in hand, telling the other teens that if they didn't get up and dance, they would be sent to the "old folks" to play cards.

Soon he had them doing the YMCA song, and the slide song. It was amazing what that boy could do, to rally the group. The rest of the cruise, Joe had a group always following him, no matter where he went.

I asked the teen host, how Joe got the mic, and she said all the kids were being wall flowers until Joe showed up.

That was my Joe. The life of the party. Had fun no matter what, and if there wasn't any, he made it fun.

How can I cruise after that? Would I step on the ship, and continuously look for him? Would I become sad all over again, because he deserved to cruise with us, instead of being in the ground?

I know I can take him in my heart, but would that be the same? The boys have always had a room across the hall from us. Would I expect each time we came out of our room, to see Joe come out of his?

Joe has won the talent show the last 4 cruises we took. (He was to young before that) How can I stand to see the talent show advertised, knowing he will never be able to entertain again.

All of these things I will have to overcome, before we cruise again. Before that, I have no desire to cruise. It just wouldn't be the same.

As I said, we talked about cruising again, the other night. WE thought about Alaska. This was some place Joe wanted to go, but never had the chance. It might make it better for us, since I would not expect to see him at every port.

It doesn't really matter, because we have to get through Iraq, and then the trial. We are thinking about going sometime next spring.

Joe had a tradition when he cruised. He always bought a cheap straw cowboy hat. He would let different girls wear it, and then at the end of the cruise, someone would get to take it home with them.

This time was different. Joe actually wore his hat home with him. I asked him about it, and he said, "No, not this time" That hat was laying on his chest in his casket.

Something else that happened on this last cruise. We were on the ship for two weeks. After two formal nights, I was to tired to get all dressed up, for yet another terrible service we had received.

Usually I had to encourage the boys to dress and go with us, but on this night, Joe came to our room, all dressed and ready to go. I offered to get dressed and go with him, but he said "No, our table is next to a family I have met, so I will sit with them."

The photo taken that night in his suit, and bright red tie, is the one used for his funeral.

Luanne, You amaze me. I admire your strength, courage and faith through all of this horrible time. Keep writing if it makes you feel better. We will read. Prayers going out from here for you and your family.

Laura

__________________
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.“
---Mark Twain

It was very well said. I was at a low point last night, and happened to see your post. It made me feel so much better.

Then I thank our wonderful Lord that I wrote it. I've also placed a link to this thread on the CruiseMates home page so that perhaps more people will see it and come over here to read it and support you through your ordeal. I'll leave it up for a couple of days.

You say that cruising will be difficult for you now because you will think of Joe and miss him all the more everytime you set foot on a boat. I can understand that and would encourage you to give yourself time to heal somewhat before attempting another cruise. I can well understand the raw memories right now, but have to also think that one day you will get onboard a ship and the memories will be sweet. You'll feel Joe in your heart at every turn. He'll be laughing with you, pointing out someone or something he wants you to see and laugh about too. You'll go to the talent show and you'll feel Joe sitting next to you "What do you think of her, Mom? I think she's a bit off key." Or, you'll enjoy a meal in the dining room, a meal where the service is perfect, and he'll nudge you and say "I'm keeping them on their toes!"

The memories of Joe will be pleasant ones precisely because of the things he did while on ships, and the fun he had. He'll share those times with you again and he'll make the experience a pleasant one for you and your family.

That's the nice thing that people do for us when they pass into the next realm. They remain with us, cheering us, supporting us and helping us to go on. I'm sure Joe knew how much you loved cruising, because he loved it too. Just because he is gone from this realm doesn't mean that he still can't enjoy it. It just means that he will experience it through your eyes, and with your help.

So don't close the door to cruising. As you say, you have plenty of time for that ... and when the time is right ... and your husband is home from Iraq and the trial has wound down ... you'll get back on a cruise ship again ... Alaska, the Caribbean, Mexico, or wherever. And as you embark you'll realize that Joe is right where he's supposed to be ... right there in your heart enjoying all of those wonderful experiences right along with you.

Remember, he's not dead, Luanne. He's just in another realm now ... one that gives him the freedom to enjoy the best that this realm too has to offer. As long as you keep him in your heart, he'll always be around. I guarantee it because I live with someone special in my heart too.

The more I read your post, the more questions I have. Was it a child you lost?

Last night was another meltdown, but also a new beginning. It seems my life is filled with one hurdle after another, but once you get over it, you feel victorious. Does that make sense?

It started so innocently. Jim and I needed some alone time. Just me and him, and no TV, radio. Just alone time. Those times are hard to come by these days, so it makes sense that 95% of marriages break up, after the violent death of a child.

It is hard to explain what I feel like these days. It seems like all my emotions have shut down, except for the sorrow. Maybe they are still there, but the sorrow over powers everything else.

I have to once again, give Jim credit for being the most loving, patient, kind person I have ever met. I do not think I would be here without him. It is just to hard to handle alone.

I look at him, and see that he wants the old Luanne back. I want her to be back too, but I don't know where she is. It's like she died on Jan 11th.

I had never unpacked my travel purse, so I decided to do it this afternoon.

Inside was the IPod Joe bought me for Christmas. I never got a chance to listen to all the songs he downloaded for me, but decided to listen tonight.

I remember telling him a few songs that I would like to have, but left it up to him with the rest.

Some were so funny, and not like me, but he loaded songs he had heard me say I liked, when I didn't even know he was listening to me.

Suddenly a song comes on, and it's Joe's voice. Instead of crying from sadness, I cried with pure joy. My baby sang of love for me.

L-O-V-E

By Nat King Cole ( Billboard # 81 in 1964)
Lyrics by Milt Gabler and Music by Bert Kaempfert

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore can

Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore can

Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you
Love was made for me and you
Love was made for me and you

I had forgotten what a huge roll music always played in our lives, and I now realize that not wanting to listen to music after he died, was the wrong thing to do.

I actually think I will be alright after all. As long as there's music, I will always have Joe.

The more I read your post, the more questions I have. Was it a child you lost?
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No, two very, very dear friends from childhood ... at different times. One I went to elementary school with, lost touch with her until my senior year in high school, and then became close with again during at year we were at the Community College together. The other was a friend from childhood who died of a brain tumor when we were in high school. Both of their deaths affected me very deeply and were very painful. I was only a senior in high school when my childhood friend died ... and for the life of me, I couldn't understand the sense of it. She really suffered before death ... suffered for several years as a matter of fact. The other friend ... her death was quite sudden. She was living in New York ... she was a budding actress ... was staying at the "Y" ... went to sleep one day and never woke up. They determined it was her heart. Sudden, shocking ... the worst kind of death for the ones left behind ... you just aren't prepared for it, as I am sure you know. Those deaths are without a doubt the worst.

When my mom died ... it ripped my heart out because we were so close ... but she went downhill ... from January until July ... escalating health problems ... a cancer from many years ago that returned with a vegence. Even though I kept telling myself ... she'll come out of this ... we'll still have her around for a long time (she was in her early 80's) ... I think deep down inside I was preparing myself for losing her. When it happened, though it was bitterly painful ... I think I was at least somewhat mentally prepared and it probably didn't hurt as much. But when someone goes suddenly, as your dear Joe did, there is no way to be prepared ... and that's why the hurt is so bad.

That's why I admire your fight so much. You are clearly dealing with something that's almost impossible to bear. Yet you bravely soldier on ... one day at a time ... and try to make sense of the senseless. You share your journey with us on these boards ... and I hope that is providing some help to you ... as you help us to at least try to understand what horrors you are going through on a daily basis.

If it gives you any comfort, know that when Joe met his end, his angels rallied around him and supported him and made the transition easier for him. I know that for a fact because I witnessed it with my dear mother. As she lay dying in her last couple of days, she saw the angels. She may have even seen God ... because at one point, totally out of it ... totally uncommunicative with us ... she sat up with a look of shock on her face and made the sign of the Cross. She saw something holy there ... of that I have no doubt. Mom was always a "good Catholic," but never overly religious, so this was not something she did on a daily basis ... only in church on Sunday and only on those rare occasions when she was begging for deliverence from something ... a sick grandchild or some other major struggle.

I have no doubt that mom was at peace when she finally went. She even became lucid for a few minutes a day or so before she died. Dad asked her what she wanted him to do. The hospital was pressing him to have her transferred to hospice care and he was conflicted. He didn't want to just "give up" on her. She had been out of it for the past several days so dad could not seek her guidance on the question, but this one morning she became lucid again. He asked her what she wanted and she told him, clearly and definitely, "I want to die. I want to go home."

I have no doubt in those last hours she was spending all of her time slipping back and forth between this realm and the next one ... and without a doubt, the experience was far more pleasant for her during that time she spent in the other one. I think she was relieved when dad gave her "permission" to leave him and she was allowed to move on. Her angels were right there with her ... to the very end ... of that I am positive. They were with Joe as well ... and made his transition peaceful.

Believe that Joe is still with you today. I know my mom is. Every so often she comes to me in dreams ... but not frequently because she knows it hurts me too much and opens fresh wounds. And maybe that's why Joe only comes to you occasionally now. He wants to see you move on and fulfill your own life's purpose and he doesn't want to do anything to stand in the way of that. But believe that when you need him ... when you may be going through a particularly rough time ... or missing him a bit more than usual ... he will be there to buoy you up. I know my mom does. I'll sense her presence sometimes ... smell that unique scent that was her ... actually hear her voice in my mind sometimes ... or she'll prod my conscious if there is something I should be doing that I am not. Joe will do the same for you.

As for my one girlfriend who died while I was in high school ... I remember this so distinctly ... I had graduated and was down the shore working for the summer before going to college in the fall. My parents had rented a summer cottage in Wildwood that year, and I was staying down there because I lost my part-time job in the city and needed to save up some money for college expenses. I was staying at the cottage for the summer, but mom and dad would come back and forth as dad's work schedule permitted. I knew Bonnie was very sick, and I asked my mom to keep in touch with her mom (she lived down the street from me) and give me reports on how Bonnie was doing. I would sometimes write notes to her and would give them to my mom to take home and deliver for me.

I remember one night at the cottage. I went to sleep and woke up with a start. I just knew Bonnie had passed. How? I don't know ... but I just knew. Mom and dad came down a few days later. First question I asked ... how's Bonnie doing? That's when mom quietly told me that she died. I told mom that I kind of already knew that. Bonnie had stopped by to say goodbye.

So, as I said, I truly, truly believe ... we never really die. We just move onto another realm, a realm that allows us to keep in touch with those who we love still back here, but a realm that we here usually can't visit. But, take heart ... one day we too will be reunited with those we love ... physically, emotionally and spiritually ... in a place where we never have to be separated again. We just have things we have to do here before that day can come, so it is best we get busy with them.

I had never unpacked my travel purse, so I decided to do it this afternoon.

Inside was the IPod Joe bought me for Christmas.

God is good, isn't He?

Told you ... Joe will never desert you. He's still very much a part of your life ... and you'll have many more surprises just like that one ... nice little things he will continue to do for you and the rest of his family ... during this time you must be physically separated.

[quote="Luanne Russo"][color=blue][i][b]I had the most wonderful surprise tonight.

I had never unpacked my travel purse, so I decided to do it this afternoon.

Inside was the IPod Joe bought me for Christmas. I never got a chance to listen to all the songs he downloaded for me, but decided to listen tonight.

I remember telling him a few songs that I would like to have, but left it up to him with the rest.

Luanne, I feel it's little signs/visits like this that help those left behind accept tragedy.....and hold on until the next visit. They may become infrequent....but you learn patience, then relish the next time.

We have some truly nasty, thoughtless people posting on these boards. Thank GOD they are in the minority. You do what you have to do to heal......and I think the GOOD people here realize that.......and want that for you.

Ignore these heartless imbeciles. I know we should should show a generous spirit towards them ...... but I can't tolerate holier than thou MEAN people.

It was not someone from Cruisemates. I am blogging some place else, and it came from there.

He is a wonderful man, who I can only guess, is just worried about me. All is forgiven.

I have learned many things about this type of grief. Some don't mind reading about it. Some can barely read, because they realize it could happen to them, and some can't read at all. I understand all of it.

Many times people say "I don't know what to say" or I don't want to say the wrong thing" I understand that too.

But..... I have good news. Tonight I watched both of Joe's performances on U-tube and didn't cry a drop, and in fact smiled.

I am getting better. I miss the heck out of him, but there is life out there.

I know that when I write with such despair, so many of you are worried about me. Doing something to myself, never crosses my mind. It would be wrong to hurt Jim and Josh in that way. I simply could not do it, anymore than I could have killed Joe. I love them all, and would never hurt them.

I will never be able to fully explain how much all of you have been for me.

I look back and see that one of the first places I turned to, was all of you.

of all the terms used to describe you and what you are feel "self-pity' would have never even crossed my mind.

I see you as an honest, courageous woman, who is heart-broken, and trying hard to sort out emotions, and moving ahead into a new place.
I think of you as amazing, and stong.
You are in my thoughts and prayers often, and I know that God has a plan for you. He is already using you, to bless us and remind us all to value and cherish those who are near and dear to us.

I spoke to the person who said something about self pity, and reassured him that I am fine with it. He explained that he cared so much, and thought I needed a little tough love. He might actually be right.

Last night was another hurdle to jump. When you have a loss like this, you can't see yourself going along with your life, without your loved one. This is not only with the loss of a child, but could be a spouse, or parent.

My friend Debbie, and I have worked together off and on for 14 years this Sept. (Debbie could it really be that long?) Because she and her hubby lived so far away, we never had a chance to get together. But, she is now almost a neighbor, and really came to my call when Joe died. She always seems to know what to say, and what I need.

Anyway, Jim and I were watching the NASCAR race last night, when she called. I told her that the race in Tx was in April, and asked if they liked NASCAR. She said David her hubby did.

We decided to buy tickets and spend the weekend together.

The hurdle was of course the idea of having fun, without Joe. He and I often talked about going. This is, of course, a natural reaction for anyone. You feel so guilty. Your mind says life goes on, but your heart says otherwise.

I do think that nothing should be done before your ready. Grief is not easy, and certainly not quick.

The race is not until April the 4th, and I think by then, I will be stronger, and more willing to get out and enjoy life more.

Today is a family therapy appointment. This one was set up by Josh. I think it is very important to get together as a group, to see how each of us is doing. Josh has decided he doesn't need to go back on a one on one basis, and that of course is his decision. He knows that if he needs it later, he can always call.

I have a book called "Healing after Loss" by Martha Whitmore Hickman

This is a daily guide on what you might feel, and so far, it has been right on the mark.

Today's saying is "I will try to let the weight of guilt and regret slip away. I am not perfect. I am loved. And Love makes all kinds of allowances, and keeps on loving."

Well, Yesterday was a real eye opener, and very painful. As you recall, we had a family meeting with the Therapist. This meeting was set up on behalf of Josh.

It started out okay, but apparently Josh is no longer in need of mothering.

To be honest I felt set up. I felt like it was a lot to put on me, at a time, when I was already trying to get over being a mom to Joe.

The meeting did not end well with me. I suddenly couldn't breathe, and the walls closed in on me. I left before it was over, and waited for Jim and Josh in the parking lot.

I knew that the empty nest was coming one day, but now I guess my mothering days are over with.

Maybe it's a good thing to get it all out of the way at one time. Maybe it was a blessing, instead of what I perceived as a loss.

The therapist said it was now time to do things for myself. I don't think I remember how. I have given up so much in order for the kids to have what they need, I don't remember how to do for myself.

I guess it will be something I will relearn. Who knows it might be fun.

I guess 2009 will forever be known as the year of change.

The good news is Josh and Jim are both doing well. No problems for them, because they had a chance to bring it up, and didn't, so I guess all is well.

Am I ready to not be a mother? No. I 'm not. I loved being a mother. It was the most rewarding thing I have ever done. It was easy for me, unlike my mother, who hated it.

Some will say that I will always be a mother. No I'm not. Not really. Joe is gone, and my work with him is done. I only have memories. Josh has said he doesn't need my mothering, so I must respect that.

Message for the day "As I begin to see beyond the pain, I sense how both sadness and joy are part of the tapestry of my life."

Luanne - you are in my prayers.
When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up - my answere - "a mother". I put my all into it, made tons of mistakes, and then all of a sudden they grew up, and really don't need or ask much input from me.
It is a hard transisiton. I still only really feel "normal" when they are home. I guess like you I need to learn to reinvent my life and find a new
career".
I understand your leaving early - I think I would have too, I am sure you feel displaced and like you've been layed off - so to speak.
Sending you hugs! Wish I could help - mere words seem so inadequate.
I will be praying tho' may God give you a new mission and passion. I know you will be a blessing for many.

Luanne, you will always be a mother to BOTH of your boys......just in different ways. A mother is ALWAYS a mother, but it evolves as the offspring grow. Their needs are different and a mother always provides. With Josh, you will see that.

To ME, he seems to be trying to lighten your burden, not realizing that you are not ready to let go of him. I feel it's natural for you to want to cling to him.......you want to hold dear to the son that you have remaining in life. He might feel that is too much for you right now and is letting you know he will be okay. This is just a guess. No one can say for sure. I'm sure he is still hurting.......and being a 'man' is trying to be strong. Trust me, he will ALWAYS need his mother. I have 2 girls......37 and 41......they still need their mother at times. The burden we have as mothers is to sense when that is!!!

Joe also still needs you ........ to cherish him (which you do) and to remember with great love and JOY what he brought to your life. But, he also needs you to truly believe that he is ok.....which you will do completely, eventually. You say you believe that, but I feel you want to know believe it, but you are his MOTHER and only a MOTHER can fully make things ok. Take your time, you will come to TRULY believe that he is in Gods hands and is FINE......and he will be awaiting you when your time comes. Your faith ...... not just yours, but any faith puts pressure on the bereaved to unquestionally accept what God has deemed. But, you don't mess with a MOTHER......we are fierce and protective, believing deep down that ONLY we can take care of our children. When you are ready, you will realize that you have help in HIM.....but for now, there is NOTHING wrong with holding on for a while.

Luanne, I am not an overly religious person, but I am a MOTHER and I know that mothers hold on and do not relinguish 'custody' easily. You are protective, loving and territorial by nature.......nothing wrong with that.

You will eventually, IMHO, find a path to continuing your life.....not leaving Joe behind, but cherishing the time you shared.

Luanne, I wish I could have put into words what Mgram has stated. I too feel that Josh is trying to make it easier for you, for now just let him be and when he is ready he will want you to be Mom again. I know that won't be easy but it seems that it is the best way (right now) to keep your family together. As you have stated something like this can and does tear families apart and if letting Josh go now keeps you together then that is what has to be done.