Saturday, June 7, 2008

So we had the school talent show last night which went well as far as the performance part. Kaia was so cute, all dolled up with make-up and she waited to go on stage perfectly with her class up in the balcony. She knew the whole dance and did great up there – I was so proud. Mom videod and I took pics. Kaia told me that evening she was nervous when she saw the crowd but you couldn’t tell! However, after the show was over was a different story.

The last number was a teacher finale and they released a bunch of balloons at the end. She really wanted to have a balloon and by the time I figured out what she wanted and we got to the stage they were all taken. Major melt down. Right in front of the auditorium, in front of the principle and assistant principle…crawling in the corner…totally embarrassing. I got her to walk out, half chasing her into the parking lot. Hearing several kids comment about how Kaia always gets so MAD at school. I finally had to throw her over my shoulder and pack her out to the car. Sweating my butt off and huffing and puffing.

It sucked all around.

I just kept you were there to help me, so I wasn’t dealing with the situation on my own. She is almost too big for me to pick up like that so I don’t know what I will do. It scares me to think of what she is going to be like when she gets older. Her temper is getting worse and I don’t know what to do.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I feel like a wimp as I know so many other wives have gone thru deployments and made it. Not with a smile on their face the entire time, but they were able to stand on their own two feet and take care of everything, support their husband and be mommies for their kids.

But I CAN'T DO IT!

I have really tried...I have gotten up every morning, gotten my little girl to school, put on the happy face in public, sent off the care packages and cried alone but I am not sure how much longer I can do this.

It is SO hard.

I miss hom SO much.

This may be TMI but here goes.

He's been gone a year already. With Basic, AIT and now deployment. Since last May I can count on my hands the number of times he has been home. It's hard hitting the one year mark. A year without him, my best friend, my love, my "person".

I made it thru Basic and AIT fine. I knew he was safe, and excited and I was so proud of him for making an unconventional decision to follow a dream of his, even though he was 26 years old and had a family already. I support him 100%. I can honestly say though neither of us fully processed the possibility he would deploy, especially so quickly. Then finding out the DAY HE GOT HOME from AIT that he was being deployed! There's no elequoant way to put it - it sucks! Deployment is hard for everyone, but piled on top of being apart so much beforehand, it's too much for me.

It's hard to be hopeful that our lives will ever get back to "normal" when I can hardly even remember what it was like to have him here. I know the damage that has been done can't be fixed. My poor baby girl has a mommy who is sad or mad all the time. She needs a chance to be a 6 year old, have someone to take her fishing and to ride a bike. I try but with the burdens I am carrying I can't get passed the sadness to even pretend sometimes.

Not to mention myself, I have given up my career - my sense of identity and importance. Staying home along all the time is painful and isolating. Where are all my friends? Where is the family that says they love me? They don't know, they don't ask...I don't think they truly care. Care that I am miserable, along and dying inside.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

I had to admit it has been a tough day to spend without him, and I have had way too much time on my hands to reminisce and sulk all day. I’ve tried to scrapbook but couldn’t get motivated so mostly I have been eating the pain away today – lotsa chocolate chip cookies. But no matter how hard this day is, we have a great life in-spite of the current circumstances and being separated for the most part of the past year. We have an amazing love and friendship that is enduring and even growing and thriving thru this deployment. I just wish he was here today, and every day to hold in my arms and to give kisses to show you how much I care about him. Rather than sending another letter…it’s just not right!

Honey, I trust you to love me for a lifetime, to never betray me or my trust, to put my needs above even your own, to never run from me. I trust you like no one else in my life, past or present. It’s a vulnerable state to be in. I can’t lose you. Please realize you are holding my heart and that it’s fragile and you have to honor it in all your actions. I don’t know what to say other than that, I come with baggage – and now it’s yours to carry too.