Tuesday, 31 March 2015

When and as I see myself desiring a form of ‘acceptance’
through making another laugh/another laughing at a joke that I make, and seeing
one laughing at my joke as the ‘ultimate form of acceptance’ – I stop and
breathe. I realise that although laughter is very cool in its PHYSICAL form,
FORCED laughter for the SAKE of making another laugh or attempting to, is mere
participation within my mind of a desire for acceptance, which I realise now is
only something that I can give to myself. I commit myself to STOP seeking
acceptance through others, through making others LAUGH. I commit myself to see
where I can improve on things, as to accept myself for who I am, and/or make
the necessary changes through writing/physical/practical application, until I
no longer ‘seek for’ acceptance through others, in this case, through forming
jokes and desiring another ‘laughing’ at my jokes.

When and as I see myself not accepting who I am/how I
present myself when in the vicinity of others, I stop and breathe. I realise
that there is nothing that I have to ‘do’ to ‘prove’ to another/myself that I
am being ‘accepted’. I realise that I’m only trying to fuel an idea within my
mind of how I see ‘acceptance’ and how I see one should be accepted, and within
this, I see that making another laugh is one of the BEST forms of ‘acceptance’
– because within myself, I see ‘comedy’ and ‘laughter’ as the best ‘medicine’ –
but at the same time, realising that constant joke making or joke-making for
the sake of desired acceptance is FAKE, because in REALITY, in physical
reality, there is MORE to acceptance than laughter, and in reality, nothing
needs to be done to be ‘accepted’ within reality, within my physical body. I
commit myself to thus accept myself, to accept the way I am in the vicinity of
others. I commit myself to when in the vicinity of others, to not ‘attempt’ to
present myself as a ‘joker’ to amuse others/gain acceptance from others,
because acceptance differs for everyone, in the idea of how they define acceptance.
I commit myself to thus stop ‘pretending’ I am something/someone else, and to
just be here in the moment, enjoying the moment, enjoying the interaction with
others, without FORCING anything, thus making the moment UNNATURAL and a MIND
moment – thus not needing or feeling the need to ‘reach’ expectations within
acceptance, because again, in reality, there is NO need to do anything to
become accepted within the PHYSICAL.

Laughter is a really cool thing. Being able to laugh in the
moment with self or with another. Obviously, if that laughter is ‘tinged’ with
‘bad’ motives or some sort of evil intent, evil laughter! – then it’s not cool.
Forced laughter FEELS unnatural for me, because well, it IS unnatural lol. With
someone in particular, I have grown accustomed to their ‘personality’ of being
a ‘joker’. A joker, as in, one who cracks a joke very regularly. Now, if I put
myself in the shoes of a joker, a person who cracks/tells jokes often, I’d definitely
WANT to hear/see another ENJOY the joke, each one of them, to laugh at them –
for me, it would be a sort of ‘acceptance’ and would ‘fuel’ the ‘happy’ feeling
within myself. And on the other hand, if I saw that another did not laugh at my
jokes/found them not funny lol, then I’d probably feel ‘sad’ in a way, and
discouraged.

So, that right there is my reasons for forcing this laughter
whenever I hear a joke, despite me NOT finding it ‘funny’ – hence it being
FORCED. Laughter should REALLY come naturally. And it shouldn’t have to be RUN
through one’s mind, and then being like “Hmm, should I laugh at this or not?”
Lol. Laughter should be a natural, a physical action/move/moment.

So again, I’m forcing laughter out of myself, because
IDEALLY, it’s what I, myself, would like to hear/see. That being, another
laughing at my jokes, showing signs of ‘appreciation’ of my jokes, and within
this, fuelling the feeling of acceptance/happiness within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire
one to show ‘appreciation’ for my jokes, by laughing at them at ALL TIMES, and
within this, fuelling a happiness FEELING and a form of ‘acceptance’ within
myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search
for something to ‘lift’ myself/my mood, through something/someone external to
myself, instead of looking WITHIN MYSELF, NOT for a ‘high’ of sorts, but for
the points that I must let go of, as to not ‘need’ or ‘require’ highs of any
sort, to just be a stable physical being, within accepting myself, thus not
requiring external acceptance whatsoever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect
a certain reaction from another, in this case, expecting laughter from another,
within this, participating in future projections within my mind of another
laughing at my jokes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to also
‘force out’ jokes in the presence of another, just for the SAKE of ‘getting a
laugh’ from another, again, to fuel energy within myself to thus create ‘happiness’
and ‘acceptance’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not
realise that the first step to/for ACCEPTANCE, is to ACCEPT MYSELF, because in
reality, self-acceptance is ALL I need, NOT external acceptance.

When and as I see myself participating in future projections
within my mind of seeing another laughing at my jokes, and through that,
fuelling ‘happiness’ and ‘acceptance’ within myself, I stop and breathe. I
realise that my desire for ‘happiness’ and ‘acceptance’ is something that
effectively, only I can give to MYSELF. Only I can give myself acceptance.
Happiness is energy based, thus not necessary. I commit myself to continue
looking WITHIN MYSELF and to continue BRINGING POINTS BACK TO MYSELF, as to see
what I must work on, as to find acceptance within myself – self-acceptance. I
commit myself to give acceptance to myself through writing out ALL points, as
this IS the WAY to CHANGE for REAL, and to HAVE that self-acceptance that I
require within my life.

I just wanted to write about this moment, and the
realisations within this moment that I now have. A few years ago, perhaps even
longer, maybe 5 years ago, I discovered a new band. I've always been into
finding new music that I enjoy listening to. The name of this band was Crystal
Castles. They’re actually ‘not’ a genre that I have liked before/much, the
genre is basically electronic. That may not be specific enough, but it is
electronic music, some may call it ‘dance’ music.

Usually I've always mainly been into rock music. Anyway, I
was listening to this band, Crystal Castles, and I immediately became hooked on
them. I found it unique and like nothing I’d heard before. During that time, I
went to my father’s house, because he was away, so I was alone at the house for
a week, and...I was basically blasting Crystal Castles through the tv as LOUD
as possible lol. Well, actually, not in terms of disturbing people, at least, I
didn't mean to do that – but it was quite loud nonetheless.

And wow, I was listening and listening to this band, and I
felt this HUGE energy rush within myself. I felt like I was on top of the
world, like nothing can stop me, and it GENUINELY felt like a life-changing
moment. Like, this music has opened my eyes, this music is the basis for my
change, this is what I needed in life. And as I said, I was on such an energy
rush, I was buzzing around the house lol. Oh, I remember now, it was raining
quite heavily, too. It was also dark outside. And with scant regard for the
weather/it being night time, I ran outside, and jumped in the swimming pool
that is in the backyard. Lol, it was like an enlightening experience so to
speak. I was in the pool, rain pelting down onto me, Crystal Castles in the
background. It’s definitely funny writing about it now, but it’s still vivid
within my memory. A few days after this moment, I was still ‘relying’ on this
particular band to FUEL me, to energise me, to alter me, to make me FEEL
something. A year or 2 later, I found out about Desteni, and through reading
the articles/watching videos/writing/DIP Lite/Pro, I slowly began to LET GO of
my many attachments to music, not only Crystal Castles, but other bands, too.
And it was interesting, because I realised that most of the music I ‘liked’ –
it was only because of my many emotional attachments to the music. Removing
those attachments showed that I did not actually like this music, like for me,
it was too basic.

I just wanted to share this experience. Because, in terms of
feeling an ENERGY HIGH, this moment REALLY stands out. Of course, it was pure
BULLSHIT lol. I know that now, thankfully. And I do still listen to this band,
Crystal Castles, but NOT to alter me, not to build up anything within myself,
nothing emotional – nothing. I listen to it, simple as that. I enjoy it, but it
doesn't do anything for me.

Actual change requires PHYSICAL DEDICATION. It requires
time, effort, perseverance. Change CANNOT happen through ENERGY PARTICIPATION.
I’m SO glad that I know that now. Energy is only but a temporary phase. It’s
not real, it’s not physical/practical, it’s a strict mind-participation/fuck
up. Writing, physical/practical application, this is what change is, nothing
more, nothing less.

When and as I see myself resenting myself for leaving my
place of work abruptly/not showing up to my shifts at work, I stop and breathe.
I realise that the past is effectively the past, and that, allowing the past,
as a memory, to ‘eat at me’ and ‘attack me’ is a form of suppression, and it
CLEARLY does NOT assist me WHATSOEVER within my physical being/present physical
self, as it is stopping me from doing things that I’d like to do, ALL because
of the memory, and the attachment of resentment that I've likened this memory
to. I commit myself to STOP, AND BREATHE, and see within myself that although
the past memory, what I did, WAS a ‘mistake’ – it is a waste of my time/life to
allow it to STOP ME from doing things within my present/physical body. I commit
myself to thus move my physical body into and as to do things that I want to
do, in this instance, going to the store that I used to work at, doing what I’d
do within the store, as ANY OTHER store, to shop. And I commit myself to NOT
see others that I used to work with, and IMMEDIATELY ‘think’ that they HATE
ME/that they RESENT ME, and to instead see them as equal to myself, to not be
within the belief that they hate/resent me, because if I am in that belief,
then I will make that belief a reality, by ‘acting’ as if everyone truly DOES
hate/resent me, when in reality, I was only hating/resenting myself for what I
did in the first place.

When and as I see the store that I used to work at, and immediately
participate within backchats of people that I used to work with
hating/resenting me if I step foot into the store/see them, I stop and breathe.
I realise that the only one/thing hating/resenting is MYSELF, and I’m allowing
me to hate/resent ME, and just ASSUMING within my mind that now ALL and EACH
hates/resents me, and within this, manifesting this ‘feeling’ as an excuse to
AVOID the store that I used to work in, avoiding it to the point where stepping
in the store is a STRUGGLE, when obviously it should NOT be a struggle. I
commit myself to if backchats/memories of hate/resentment of MYSELF appear as I
see/step foot into the store that I used to work in, to STOP, to BREATHE, and
to SEE and WALK into the store, to make sure that I take the paces towards/into
the store, because BACKING AWAY and WALKING AWAY from the store is the
immediate sign that I've given into my mind, and allowed it to dictate my
MOVES. Thus again, I commit myself to no matter WHAT appears within myself, to
stop, breathe, to CONTINUE seeing/walking into the store and to just keep on
breathing if need be, to allow myself to do what I went into the store to do.

When and as I see ex co-workers of mine, and immediately
thinking that they hate/resent me, and literally AVOIDING eye contact with them
BECAUSE of this FEAR of hate/resentment by them towards me, I stop and breathe.
I again realise that I AM THE SOURCE of this apparent hate/resentment, and
realising that I AM THE ONE who has invented this fear, and allowed myself to
exist within and as this fear, this hate/resentment fear, and to realise that
this fear does not ECHO within and as others, is it only a BELIEF that MY fear
echoes within and as others – which in reality is FALSE. Each to their own, I
cannot possibly know of how another is/thinks/does, that is impossible. I thus
commit myself to see ex co-workers, and to say ‘hi’ to them, to talk to them,
to not avoid them therefore, because of a self-created/inflicted/allowed fear
of hate/resentment towards myself, and the thought along that, that my fears
are echoed throughout and by others.

Thursday, 26 March 2015

I worked somewhere for about 3 and a half years, and I basically just stopped showing up for work one time. Or well, a few times, I just stopped showing up for work, resulting in my sacking/being fired. I basically saw it coming. I just couldn't be 'bothered' showing up for work anymore. I didn't want to. And from memory, I was 'struggling' with some things. Ever since I got effectively fired from this job, I've struggled to show my 'face' in this very store that I got fired from. It's because, I feel that I left on 'bad terms'. And like, I've had opportunities where I've actually wanted to enter the store to buy something, but had avoided it on purpose just to avoid seeing anyone 'from my past' that I feel 'resent' me, basically.

So, I fear resentment. More specifically, I resent myself for not showing up for work, for basically being 'missing in action' when I should been IN action/at my job. I know what I did was out of order, I know it was a 'bad move'. I allowed my emotions/feelings to overwhelm me in these instances where I didn't want to go to work/show up. It was especially silly of me to allow myself to do this, because it effectively stopped my flow of income. I only have myself to blame, of course.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent myself for not showing up for work all of those times when I SHOULD have shown up for work, resulting in me getting fired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act in the present, as if I cannot 'return' to situations in my past, that I have emotions/feelings towards, and using them as an excuse to avoid a situation in the present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a grudge against myself for not showing up to work all of those times, and holding that against myself, allowing it to 'eat at myself' - instead of ACCEPTING what I did and seeing why I did what I did.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept what I did when deciding to not show up for work/to effectively 'fire myself' and get fired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that during this 'difficult' time within my life, within my job, I did not know how to 'treat' the situation/occurrence, and saw 'no way out' other than to basically quit the job through my own doing/actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold beliefs within myself that everyone that I worked with in the past now 'resent' me and 'hate me' because of what I did, not realising that this is ONLY a belief that I in fact have against myself, resenting myself/hating myself for not showing up for work for no reason.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold the belief that 'everyone thinks how I think' - thus thinking that all my ex co-workers now resent/hate me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for not showing up for work, for having no reason to not show up for work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that "Okay, what I did in the past wasn't cool to do, but I didn't know any better at the time - but, holding onto the moment/memory and using it against myself and to thus stop myself from doing things that I want to do in the present, is suppression."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when seeing the store that I used to work at, immediately participate in backchats within my mind of how everyone in that store that I know now resent/hate me, and that if they see me, they will ignore me/pretend that I don't exist, or insult me for leaving the store abruptly in the first place.

Sunday, 22 March 2015

I bought a container of coolant for my car today, and it was rather heavy...for me at least. It had a handle as to hold it with one hand, but I found it rather heavy despite the handle. So, I kept switching hands, left/right, right/left, because after about 1 minute on my left hand, it started to pain my hand/arm, thus the alternation between hands. Finally, I decided to hold it close to my chest with both hands.

And it was SO MUCH EASIER. I then realised as I was holding this container of coolant with both hands, I realised that the reason why I wanted to use the handle and use one hand for it, was to sort of 'prove' that I was 'strong'. Lol. And I can safely say that I'm NOT 'strong'. I am only strong within an illusion, if I allow it. But I am not strong. I don't lift weights or anything. I did used to, but haven't for a long time. Anyway, as I was holding this container with both hands, I did in the moment fear judgments from others, thinking/saying that I am 'weak' for needing to use two hands to hold this container, rather than the one hand that 'other' people would use. People that are stronger than me.

It was cool, though..because despite those thoughts, I continued to do what was best for my physical body, that being, using two hands to carry the container. I did not allow judgments, thoughts to manifest and allow that manifestation through struggling to carry the container, and alternating between left/right hands, putting pressure onto my hands in the process/pain. But yeah, I still want to write about this experience, as to be able to do what is BEST for my physical body, and thus not giving into thoughts about how something 'should' be done/what a 'strong' person would do in this instance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as WEAK, because I was using two hands as opposed to one hand to carry the container.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to create/manifest an ILLUSION that I am strong/capable of lifting the container with ONE hand, which in REALITY is FALSE, because I saw that I struggled to lift the container with just ONE hand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not immediately do what is BEST for MY PHYSICAL BODY, within this, NOT comparing myself to other's physical bodies/muscles.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire STRENGTH and to appear STRONG, because I see STRENGTH as one of the most 'vital' attributes that one can have.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within advertising/brainwashing as to want to be strong/the strongest person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within what I see is the 'ideal' male, by seeing that the ideal male is STRONG and has muscles/is able to carry most things easily, perhaps with one hand, thus proving that they are strong enough to handle heavy objects with ease.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the ideal person generally as a 'strong' person, as opposed to a person who is ONE AND EQUAL with ALL LIFE, who gives as they'd like to receive, who assists each and every life, who loves/cares unconditionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to lift weights for the sake of building muscles, because of the thinking process within brainwashing that every male MUST be strong/appear as muscly, otherwise be labelled 'weak'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being labelled as 'weak' if I do not have visibly bigg-ish muscles.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I cannot 'attract' a female without having visible muscles of some form.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within advertising/movies of seeing a strong male actor who has muscles/is fit, and seeing them 'get the girl' so to speak, and using those memories as incentive/a need for me to build my own muscles/fitness as to 'get the girl' or get a partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that all females 'only' want a male who has large muscles/is very fit, failing to realise that this is only an idea that I believe is true, again, through countless hours viewing movies/reality tv shows/advertising of seeing the 'hunk' get the girl/all the girls.

When and as I see myself IGNORING what my PHYSICAL BODY CAN ACTUALLY DO in terms of what my physical body CAN lift and HOW it can lift items, I stop and breathe. I realise that already by doing this, I am FAILING my physical body and HURTING my physical body through only wanting to APPEAR as strong for instance by carrying objects with one hand, as opposed to two hands. I commit myself to immediately identify how much something that I need to carry weighs, through trial and error/general knowledge of the weight of something, and carry the item/items to their destination in COMFORT and thus not straining/hurting my physical body in any way, shape or form - and of course, to use any form of aid such as a trolley/assistance from others to carry an object, thus only considering what is best for my physical body, and NOT considering the IDEAS that I have of how I should carry something, in terms of looking 'strong' or 'stronger' than I ACTUALLY am.

When and as I see myself participating within past memories of how I view males to be/how they 'should' be - that being, strong, muscly men, who have 6 packs, huge biceps, ripped bodies, and that ALWAYS get the girl/girls, I stop and breathe. I realise that muscles/6 packs/beauty, all of it is based purely on appearance, really - and that none of this actually assists a person within freeing themselves from their MIND, thus birthing themselves as life from the PHYSICAL. I realise that all of these movies, happy endings/advertising - it's all to create the facade that appearance is what GETS ONE TO PLACES IN LIFE, which UNFORTUNATELY is 'true' in a lot of instances, from what we accept and allow to happen. I commit myself to not desire to/want to build muscle as my physical body, as to only justify this by wanting to appear how I see an 'ideal male' to be. I commit myself to continue my process of writing/my journey to life to become the ACTUAL 'ideal male' or really, the ideal PERSON/LIFE generally - the ideal thing of WHAT I SHOULD BE as LIFE. I commit myself to 'build' muscle as my physical body, if I do so, for reasons of actually ASSISTING MYSELF AS LIFE.

When and as I see myself participating within the thinking that females are ONLY attracted to muscles on a male, and nothing else, I stop and breathe. I realise that again, movies/advertising - brainwashing, has led me to believe that muscles truly DEFINE a person, and defines whether a male can attract/get into a relationship with a female, or not. I commit myself to see, realise and understand the facade that movies/advertising use/create, to brainwash myself/others to desire to appear a certain way, for me, 'perfect' through having a muscly body/appearance - which I see, realise and understand is NOT needed for me to 'find' a partner whatsoever, UNLESS I allow that illusion to direct me. I commit myself to move my physical body when in the vicinity of others, as to get to a destination/do whatever it is that I have to/want to do, and to be comfortable in my CURRENT physical body, through accepting IT and thus NOT seeing that my physical body 'needs' 'improvement' through comparison/attraction by another - to thus be able to BE in the current moment within my physical body within each step/breath.

Friday, 13 March 2015

A lot of the time, I still find that I'm not trusting my physical self within things that I do, and I instead am looking for answers within my mind. Something like dropping an object on the ground, I'd then pick it up of course. Why do I pick up the object? Because I physically know that I've dropped an object. No mind is required for me to know or to actually pick up the object, it's a fully physical movement/solution. Dropping an object/being careless with something is not ideal, this is but an example I am using.

Because using that same example, I have at times perhaps 'thought' I've dropped an object, only to check the ground for the object for instance, and seen nothing. Thoughts cannot be trusted. If I listen to my thoughts in these instances constantly, then I'd be forever worried/continually checking if I have dropped an object, when in reality, I only need to physically know of whether I've dropped an object or not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust in my physical self/body and within this, my physical movements or lack thereof to know thus if I must do something, like pick up an object that I have dropped.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on answers/solutions within my mind, not realising that thoughts cannot be trusted, because they misguide me in doing something that in reality, does not need to be physically done/altered/moved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to rely solely on my mind and thus within thoughts/fears/worries.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I cannot survive without thoughts,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I CAN live as a physical body.

When and as I see myself failing to put trust within my physical body/self, I stop and breathe. I realise that my physical body is all I need to be able to guide me to do things/perform certain actions/movements, and realising within this that I thus do not need my mind and within this, thoughts/fears and looking within these thoughts/fears for solutions on how to act/move within my physical body, because in reality, all movement is physical, as are all actions. I commit myself to trust my physical body/self and to rely on it exclusively to be able to pick up on things, to make movements, to do things, and to thus not feel a need to rely on thoughts to guide me/to make movements.

When and as I see myself not realising that because I am so used to relying solely on thoughts to guide me, that it feels 'odd' to rely on my physical body/self for movements/to guide me, I stop and breathe. I realise that in every way, shape and form, my physical self CAN be trusted, and that I can thus trust it to be able to then make decisions/movements/allow it to guide me to do something that is necessary for my body, and to within this, not allow thoughts/backchats to stop me from doing the physical thing/movement that is required, as my thoughts are only trying to 'put me back on the same path' that I have lived within my whole life, whether that be through fears or otherwise. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I do not need thoughts to make movements within my physical body, and I do not need thoughts to make 'correct' decisions within my physical body - as my physical body/self is literally all I need to be able to move correctly/make informed decisions about things that I do within my life.

A pattern of criteria is very apparent within a lot of things that I do within my life/how I do things. Sort of like a very specific criteria. Also, like a set of guidelines on how to do something. And I see that it's 'difficult' to break these PRE-SET guidelines/criteria in which I HAVE created within myself. It is like a resistance in breaking the self-created criteria of how I do things, and if I do something/want to do something differently than how I've done something in the past, it is a struggle. Some examples okay, like..with music that I enjoy listening to, I'd prefer to have whole albums on my computer, as opposed to individual songs like others do. Not leaving home until I've done a thorough check of my appearance within satisfaction that I've passed my self-created criteria of what I determine as a 'passable appearance'. Eating a certain amount of food/variety of foods per day, keeping count as to whether I've eaten enough of a particular food, or not, and to adjust until I've met my self-created criteria. So much criteria! And so what I've realised is that I'm a slave to my own self-created criteria. All of them.

It's LIMITING. I'm limiting myself by only doing things ONE WAY. One way, although as I've mentioned above, it goes across many forms within my daily life. So instead of doing what's best for my physical self/what I actually KNOW is best for the present time, I go back to doing what my criteria says I should do..what I've always done, what I 'want' to do, even though it does NOT assist me. I can only grow without limits..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within self-created and pre-determined/pre-programmed criteria of doing things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within wanting to follow only ONE set of criteria for doing things within my life, in fact LIMIT myself by following a strict rule of guidelines/conditions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to face resistance when going 'against' my criteria, to allow that to just go back to the criteria way of doing things, instead of BREAKING the pre-programmed criteria in which I've created within myself and lived as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this criteria is ONLY within MYSELF, it's nobody else's criteria, it's all down to MYSELF and what I've created/existed as because of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the SENSE in doing things that are BEST for me in the present moment/the exact moment of doing something.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop my physical self from moving/doing something, because of resistance of doing something 'different' by going against my self-created/pre-programmed criteria/way of USUALLY doing things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I'm not getting the 'most' out of life by limiting myself to strict guidelines/criteria and doing things ONE way, instead of EXPLORING multiple ways/new ways and paths of doing things, and to really look at what will assist me as my physical body within my life, to see what is best for all, and to in the end, BREAK my pre-preprogramming of selective criteria in which I have allowed myself to exist as and within.

When and as I see myself BLINDLY following and listening to SELF-CREATED criteria/guidelines/rules about how to do certain things ONE PARTICULAR WAY, I stop and breathe. I realise that by doing so, I'm in fact going against what my physical self needs/requires, I'm ONLY participating within self-created/pre-programmed guidelines of doing things, instead of listening to what my physical body requires and doing things that are best for all.

When and as I see myself not realising that I am limiting myself by doing everything ONE particular way because of self-created criteria/guidelines that I follow, I stop and breathe. I realise that I definitely am limiting myself/the opportunities that I can have within my life by doing things how I've always done them for instance, instead of EXPLORING new routes/things to do/ways to do things within my life/when in interaction with others. I commit myself to physically PUSH myself to do new things/approach things differently to how I'd USUALLY do them within self-created/pre-programmed criteria of doing things, as a means of growing exponentially within my process and breaking the mould so to speak of how I usually go about doing things/interacting with others - to explore, learn and grow....and EXPAND.

When and as I see myself in the moment of resistance when breaking/going against what I'd usually do within self-created/pre-programmed criteria of usually doing something, I stop and breathe. I realise that it's NECESSARY to PUSH THROUGH THE RESISTANCES that appear within myself, because through practice, I can keep on pushing through future resistances when going against my 'usual' ways of doing things, and as to then be able to break the shackles of self-created/pre-programmed guidelines/rules/criteria. I commit myself to thus practice endlessly, the breaking of resistances that I face when going against the norm so to speak, which will fulfill me exponentially within my life.

When and as I see myself not taking into consideration what is best for all in any given moment, and instead following self-created/pre-programmed criteria whilst ignoring what is best for all in any given moment, I stop and breathe. I realise that it is VITAL to ALWAYS do what is best for all in any given moment. Whether that means BREAKING NEW GROUND that I'm yet to break, or going against the grain by doing something that I'd not usually do, or simply seeing what's best for my physical self in the given moment, to be able to satisfy my physical self within what is best for all life, taking into consideration what is best for all within life. I commit myself to again, practice and practice within my physical self, to break new ground, to do things that I'd never even consider doing in the past/because of self-created/pre-programmed criteria/ways/guidelines of doing things within my life, and to thus be able to evolve within my life/self.

Monday, 9 March 2015

The other day I saw someone from my past that I hadn't seen for about..10 years, and I had an INTENSE reaction towards seeing this person. I was attempting to 'shy away' from making eye contact with them. We didn't speak to eachother, I actually ended up disappearing momentarily in the hope that they'd have disappeared once I returned. And that's what happened. I have no idea if they recognised me. I had a feeling that we probably recognised eachother, but were both keen on keeping our mouths shut, lol.

I've had plenty of memory reactions/resistances, but this memory in particular was like no memory that I had felt before. It was just a really strong and intense feeling. I know now why this is. It is a guilt feeling. Or, a guilt emotion. Something happened between this person and I in the past and I felt really guilty because of it. I would say I've suppressed the guilt emotion up until now because I've definitely shied away from remembering it in any way, shape or form. Only now that I saw the person, and the memory appeared, now I get to see how 'powerful' the memory was for me, and now I have a great chance to write it out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about something that I did in the past - guilty within regret.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself for what happened in the past between another and myself, instead of moving on from it, and letting it go, thus to not be controlled by the memory.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I cannot change certain things that I did in the past, and thus to hold onto a particular scenario that I have no control over in the present is futile and pointless and a waste of my time/effort/process of change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see this person from my past after so many years, and instantly participate within the memory thus emotion of guilt/regret of what I did in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the past is the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not strike up conversation with this person, rather than shy away within guilt/regret at something that I did in the past in regards to this person and I.

When and as I see myself seeing another and allowing myself to participate within memories of guilt/regret that are intense and make me feel 'down' - I stop and breathe. I realise that memories with ATTACHMENTS DO have an effect on my being, thus I commit myself to let go of attachments towards memories that I've had, because no matter what the attachment is, a positive/negative attachment, happy/sad attachment, it's still an attachment that is affecting me in the present, if I allow it to.

When and as I see myself not seeing memories as just memories, things that happened in my past, I stop and breathe. I realise that having any sort of attachment to my memories is unhealthy, and within this, realising that it's not to attempt to 'forget' about the memories completely - or attempt to, that would be suppression, but to simply change my starting point and thus my attachment towards the memories that I have, to not allow them to alter my present being within my physical self whatsoever.

When and as I see myself in a situation whereas I see someone from my past and have reactions in any way, shape or form that stop me from talking to the person/wanting to interact with them for any reason, I stop and breathe. I realise that the past is the past, and my desire to avoid someone because of the past is me LIVING IN THE PAST, rather than the PRESENT. I commit myself to live in the present, not the past, thus be able to interact with all people equally, the same as I would with anybody, WITHOUT attachments/influences from the past having any affect on how I treat another in any way, shape or form.

Monday, 2 March 2015

When and as I see myself fearing that I can't have 'fun' anymore because I'm an adult, I stop and breathe. I realise that I've created judgments within myself of only children/teenagers being able to have 'fun' and within this, seeing that (judging that) adults cannot have 'fun'. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that fun is dependent on how I define fun. I commit myself to not be under the judgmental delusion that I cannot have fun anymore because of my age.

When and as I see myself desiring to alter my behaviour/demeanor infront of others to 'appear' more 'adult' - I stop and breathe. I realise that by doing this, I'm participating within prerequisites that I've accepted and allowed myself to create/live by in what I 'think' an adult SHOULD be/should do, which is the 'incentive' for me to 'alter' my behaviour/demeanor. When in reality, I'm only altering my behaviour/demeanor to achieve self-created judgments/prerequisites of what I see that an adult should do/look like. I commit myself to let go of the judgments/prerequisites of what I've allowed myself to see that an adult should do/be, so that I can then be able to 'be myself' so to speak within my physical body, without participating within my mind and without participating within self-created judgments of what I 'think' an adult should look like/how an adult should be.

When and as I see myself labeling clothing as 'adult' or 'teenager' or 'female' or 'male' based on preprogramming/self-created judgments/opinions, I stop and breathe. I realise that COMFORT should in reality be my main buying point for wanting/not wanting clothing, and NOT whether it would suit a adult/teenager, or a female/male. I commit myself to buy clothing for my PHYSICAL BODY and not for my mind in terms of self-created definitions/judgments/opinions and preprogramming of what I see/think I should be wearing as an adult male, and to instead buy for comfort, and what is practical for my physical body, considering weather conditions, too.

When and as I see myself not doing things that I used to do as a child/teenager based upon fears of that thing being 'childish' or 'only for teenagers' - I stop and breathe. I realise that just because I am now an 'adult' in terms of my age, does NOT mean I have to give up everything/certain things that I liked to do as a child/teenager, that can in fact still assist me/that I still like doing as an adult. I commit myself to let go of my self-created definitions/judgments/opinions of what I see/think children/teenagers should do, as to instead leave age out of it, and therefore be able to do what I see fit, no matter what my age is. I commit myself to stop doing/not doing things based strictly on my age, and to instead do things that I find can enhance my life/practically assist me. I commit myself to not participate within preprogramming of what children/teenagers should do and what adults should/should not do, thus be able to open up possibilities within myself/my life and be able to increase opportunities within myself, WITHOUT fearing/wondering whether something is 'okay to do' as an adult/for my age.