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10 posts categorized "Pleasing Your Wife"

I like to drive the speed limit. Okay, actually, I'll drive about 5 miles over. My husband? Let's just say he views speed limits as recommendations only. My husband--a sushi connesieur. Me? I tried sushi--this last year. And only the cooked kind!

What does this have to do with sex? Everything! You see, everyone has a sexual personality, and as Dr. Douglas Weiss points out in his book Intimacy, it's usually the same personality we exhibit every day. So what do you do when one of you likes to play it safe, and one of you likes to walk on the wild side?

First, it is important to realize that the bolder of the spouses is probably not going to be content with "plain vanilla" sex. (When my husband referred to the early days of our married sex as "good, but plain vanilla," I said, "but I like vanilla!" )

But like every aspect of a relationship, it is possible to grow in the area of sexuality and find a balance you both enjoy. Here's how my husband and I handled our differences.

First, open communication is key. You have to be willing to express your desires--or hesitations--to your mate and feel safe doing so. We talked about various things we thought we would like to try. Then we started with the ones I felt most comfortable with. For us, a good starting place was new locations; then we moved on to incorporating food. From there it was toys, and the list goes on! We still have ideas to try, but my husband lets me set the pace of introducing new elements to our sex life.

There were a few little snags along the way! There was a time I had admitted that making a video of ourselves was probably on the radar. Not long after we had a weekend away--no kids, no responsibilities! My husband--full of anticipation--proceded to pack every sexual gadget and accessory we had, along with our digital and video cameras. Seeing him pack, my plain vanilla self got a little overwhelmed. By the time we reached our destination, I was feeling on edge instead of feeling desire. Our lesson--don't overwhelm the more reserved spouse!

Don't assume that in every situation the husband is the adventurous one when it comes to sex. I recently attended a Passion Party with some friends. One of my friend's husband asked her, "You mean you are actually going to BUY something?" At the party, she made a point to choose items she thought would be in her husband's comfort zone. The result? Her bag of "goodies" was a big hit with hubby!

So if you, like me, are the "plain vanilla" type--look for something new to try. Something that stretches your boundaries just a bit without making you feel uncomfortable. And if you're the spouse who likes "the Works," talk with your mate about what you would like to try, then let THEM be the ones to let you know when they are ready.

There are lots of different kinds of sex. Fast Sex, Slow Sex, Romantic Sex, Wild Sex, or as one member from our forums put it "Wild, Monkey Sex" (I'm not entirely sure what that means, but it does sound fun.) I think sometimes we wait for the "perfect" time/setting/mood to have sex -- always looking for what I once heard described as "Cathedral Sex" --- the ultimate romantic, sexual, simultaneous orgasmic sex. But in so waiting for perfection I think we can miss some opportunities for great sex -- even if it isn't perfect.

There's something kind of special about having sex the third or fourth day in a row. When we have waited for the "perfect" time for sex we tend to be so ready for it that it is difficult to really take the time to enjoy each other.

When you aren't so desperate for sex, you have to opportunity for extended love-making. When you can really take your time with each other, you have the chance to find new ways to please and enjoy one another. You have the chance to explore and experiment. Not all the experiments will turn out great results, but sometimes they can be great for a laugh and that's fun too.

Bliss is a sexy computer game designed for a couple. It is compatible for both PC and Mac. On screen is a simulated board game. Each of the two players roll dice and move to squares. Squares are either undeveloped land that you can purchase and build a business on ala Monopoly or a set place (Lover's Lane, Broadway, Vortex, etc).

The real fun is in the action cards. On pretty much every turn a player is given an action card with something for them to do - Usually involving the other player in some way.

What do we love about this game? It is customizable! At the beginning of the game the husband and wife each tell the computer exactly what they are wearing and what "items" they have available to play with. The list is extensive--from pens and cameras to food items and toys! Throughout the game, the items you have listed and the clothes you are wearing are incorporated into your play.

Spouses also have the opportunity to fine tune their feelings (hot or not) on a scale of 0-9 of various sexual activities and topics. The game has a "passion meter" for each player, which is set at a minimum and potential maximum level at the beginning of the game. You also choose the speed of the game which effects how quickly the passion meters rise. The higher the meter the "hotter" the action.

Beginning passion level actions will include talking about your relationship in general and then talking about sex. As the heat rises, off come the clothes and hugging and kissing start. At the top levels players are instructed to perform specific sex acts or engage in other erotic activities.

We got this game several weeks ago and really like it. It is extremely well done and well written. The best part about it is that it is completely customizable. Not only can each player specify likes and dislikes (as well as at what passion level they'd need to be at before trying something), you can create your very own customized actions cards to play!

We highly recommend this game no matter what stage of marriage you are in, if you just need to talk more this game can help that happen. If you want to broaden your horizon of sexual activity this game will do that to.

We are also excited to recommend this product because in conversations with the developer it is clear that they have a deep commitment to marriage.

Keeping sex fresh, interesting and spicy is sometimes the biggest challenge for Marrieds. But Sometimes even the smallest little twist (literally or figuratively) can make a big difference. Most husbands don't seem to mind pushing the boundaries and wives will usually say they don't either, but somehow those thoughts of mixing it up a little bit never materialize.

As wives we should probably realize that our husbands may be scared to try anything new for fear of rejection. So I think we should make it a priority as the women to introduce something new into our married sex lives once a month. I've started a thread in the forums to share ideas on new things to try but first, here's a short list from me:

1. New Sexy Lingerie - I know you love that chemise you got for your honeymoon, but he's seen it now. Buy something new and surprise him with it.
2. Do it in the Kitchen - Or any other room in your house besides your bedroom.
3. Do it outside - yep, just bring a sleeping bag and watch out for neighbors
4. Go parking - just like when you were dating
5. Buy a sex toy - There are lots of good shops online where you can shop privately and receive your purchase discretely.
6. Let him pick you up - Dress up sexy and sit at a bar in a restaurant and wait for your hubby to show up and talk you into letting him take you home for a one night stand.
7. Which leads to a little role play - pick your scenario, like the bar pick-up scene above, and go for it.
8. Tie him up - or vice versa - Having him at your mercy can be powerfully erotic and so can being unable to resist him (you already can't, can you?)

Ok guys - - You know it's your job to keep your wife satisfied right? We husbands have a job to do as well. So this is just a little reminder or perhaps a brush up on skills, maybe even some new ideas to help keep you focused.

Women tend to experience orgasm differently. For some of us it's easy and for others' it is an elusive goal. I just read an article from iVillage on Extended Female Orgasm. Even if this doesn't deliver on the promise, it sound like a lot of fun!

It starts off by talking to "greedy girls". To me this label is an example of some of the sexual problems in marriage. Wives don't focus enough on the raw pleasure of orgasm as part of our married sex life. We crave the intimacy of marriage and sex so much that orgasm can seem secondary.

Not to discount intimacy, but there really is something to be said for the pure physical pleasure of orgasm and we're not "greedy girls" to crave it as part of our healthy married sex life.

It all started with a late night at work. I came home stressed from the normal work day and made a flying pass though my house. I changed clothes, fed the kids, and snapped impatiently at my husband and kids. Then it was off again to a late work commitment.

When I returned home later, I opened the door to my home and thought, "What happened to my house?" It was CLEAN! No dishes in the sink, no toys abandoned in the floor, and a candle burned cheerfully on the stove. My husband had the children bathed and all but our youngest tucked in bed. I snuggled up on bed with my toddler and husband, and felt the last of the stress drift away. My husband told me he'd take care of tucking in our son, and that I should just go take a bath. I had a few more items on my to-do list for the evening, though, such as packing lunches for the next day, so I headed for the kitchen instead of the bathroom.

My husband soon followed me to the kitchen and took over lunch-box duty, shooing me off to take a bath.

There in my bathroom, my final surprise awaited. Candles, scented hot water, and romantic music greeted me. See what kind of man I have?

So what does this have to do with having more sex, you ask? Probably not what you think. You see, I shared this story with my co-workers the next day, and every single one had the same reaction--"Guess we know what HE wanted!" (nudge, nudge, wink, wink)

But you know what? That's not why he did it.

And how am I so confident? Because I was a sure thing. He' have "gotten some" anyway. My husband did not have to go to all of that effort and pamper me like he did to get sex. We have sex on a regular basis. If you have read any of our other articles, you know we operate under the assumption that sex WILL happen unless we jointly decide it won't. So my husband is freed from the trap that seems to await all husbands. If they try to be romantic, we assume they "want something." If they don't try to be romantic, we wish they did and feel less inclined to have sex--possibly even withholding sex as a punishment.

Satisfying and frequent sex (frequent enough the partner with the highest sex drive feels satisfied) frees us from assuming ulterior motives on the part of our mates. This generally applies to women who assume men have ulterior motives for every romantic gesture on their part.

So my newest reason for more frequent sex? Trust. And a confidence in my husband's love that other women don't seem to share.

If you do a lot of reading about marriage and sex, you find that one topic that gets a lot of attention is the who, when and how of initiating sex. There is a lot of diversity on the topic and tons of advice. From scheduling sex to having code words or secret signs to let your spouse know you are interested, to the idea the husband should always initiate, to letting the wife make herself available, suggestions abound. All are great ideas and worthy of consideration.

As a proponent of hot, frequent married sex, I also have an opinion. My Hot Sexy Wife and I no longer have any signs or secret words. Neither do we have to worry about who will initiate sex. We both just expect it.

We go about our day assuming and anticipating that that night, when the kids are in bed, we're gonna have sex. Wives, I don't know what reading that sentence does to you, but for me and, I suspect, most other husbands out there, it sends a little shiver of excitement and wonder down my spine. It's like an epiphany. "Is that really possible?" Yes, it is. And it's great.

There is also the fact that the more you have sex the more you'll want to. Your body's natural chemical reactions to having sex produce more desire. If your libido is low, the best way to want more is to have more.

You might think that sex every night by default would become routine or lose its sponteneity, but it doesn't. There are infinite ways to make love to your spouse. Sometimes I'm in charge, sometimes she is. Sometimes we switch in the middle and then sometimes we switch back again. Lingerie or just naked. Fast or slow. Position, toys, cushions, location, technique, lighting, location, etc. all enhance and keep plenty of variety. It's really infrequent sex that leads to routine, since there's no real need to get creative if you're only doing it once a week or so.

I will admit, there is one little problem. A few days ago we decided to sneak in a quickie in the late afternoon. When we got into bed that night my wife asked, "So . . . what do we do now since we've already made love?" We talked a little and then fell asleep in each others arms - - naked.

A lot of factors go into great married sex. We talk a lot here about having great sex as married couples. We try to make it clear that having a great marriage is the key to having great sex. While lingerie, technique, positions, toys, variety, etc. can really enhance married sex, if a solid marital foundation isn't present, nothing else can help and all attempts will fail.

Trying out the latest moves from Men's Health to "Drive Her Wild In Bed" won't work if she doesn't want to be there with you in the first place. All of the tips from RedBook won't help if he feels belittled by cutting comments.

That being said, we find that marital sex is a really good barometer of how healthy a marriage is. If couples are truly satisfied with the quantity and quality of their sex life, they probably have a pretty good marriage. It's like an engine that is running on all cylindars. It's powerful, it's smooth and it gets you where you want to go.

The interesting thing is if, as a couple, you decide to make great sex a priority in your marriage and have a good discussion about what that is and how to get there, it can actually lead to improvement in all areas of your marriage.

Too often husbands misinterepret the idea of honoring their wives and the practical suggestions on how to do that (helping with housework, kids, laundry, etc) as a "tit-for-tat" arrangement (pun recognized but not necessarily intended). Since they did a little housework they expect immediate results in the bed room.

Sometimes wives have similar misconceptions and will even try to use sex as a reward for their husband's "good behavior". Neither is healthy. It results in treating your spouse like a child or a pet rather than a person you value and treasure.

Making Sex a priority in your marriage has a tendancy to keep you both focused on having a great marriage. It begins to sink in that you can't have great sex without having a great marriage.

This works best when you are working together as a couple. That means you need to talk about it. It means different things to Husbands and Wives. Primarily out of different motiviations. Husbands may want to work on better relationship as a step toward better sex. Wives may work on better sex as a step toward better relationship.

You have to make great sex a priority. It will benefit all areas of your marriage. Sometimes starting the discussion is the hard part. You might try sending your spouse a link to this site.

It's true. My sex life is unbelievable, getting better all the time, and I am married. (And I don't mean newly-wed either.) Married sex is simply incredible.

Marriage so naturally lends itself to out-of-this world sex. First, it allows for unlimited growth. My husband is a skilled lover. He has had years of experience to experiement and learn how to romance me, how to touch me, how to make my body hum. Don't get me wrong--I thought our sex was great from day 1 of the honeymoon. But my husband has become specialized--in pleasing me and only me! He has explored my body and knows my moods. He has made making love to me an art--and he has the stroke of a master painter! Think about it--in his book Sheet Music, Dr. Leman says a man is expected to "know which way the wind blows" with his wife. In other words--he is expected to know her moods. Am I feeling frisky, adventurous, and bold? Am I feeling like being ravaged? Or do I desire to be slowly seduced? Knowing what I desire goes a long way in making the moment work. Marriage is the context in which this occurs.

Marriage allows sex to transcend the physical. No matter the situation, sex inevitably involves feelings. It is a spiritual and emotional union as well as a physical one. But outside of marriage, these feelings are often considered the "down-side" of having sex, and inevitably lead to "complications." Within marriage, the emotional and spiritual aspects of sex are nurtured and so tightly integrated into the physical that the entire experience becomes something greater than the sum of its parts. This is not just true of women. Even Ian Kerner in his book He Comes Next says that men miss out when they are focused only on the physical. He credits porn and a "fast food" mentality with making men (and women) focused on one goal--the male orgasm. He urges women to help men slow down and learn to have more global--and consequently better--orgasms. The best place for this to happen? Marriage.

Marriage is also the perfect context for excitement and experimentation in sex. We all desire adventure. What better avenue than married sex? You can have all of the fun and none of the worries. Within the emotionally secure confines of marriage, husbands and wives can share their secret desires and act on them--without fear of embarrassment or rejection. You can set up a romantic rendezvous, try new toys, or e-mail your spouse nude pictures. There is no limit to where your imaginations can take you. And you don't have to worry about disease, unwanted emotional attachment, or unwanted pregnancy. (Okay, I know some of you might debate that last point--but pregnancy within marriage--planned or not--is certainly easier to deal with than a single, pregnant girlfriend.)

I am utterly convinced--you can't beat good married sex. The trust and open communication of a good marriage can free a woman to be a sexual diva and drive a husband to heights he's never known. And on the practical side, practice makes perfect! So what are you waiting for--start working on your married sex today!

(If you find your married sex life doesn't meet these standards, you might want to take a step back and examine some of the other elements of a good marriage. Do you and your spouse have open communication? Can you talk candidly about sex and other issues? Is there trust? Is there guilt about past sexual activity? Think about these things before you write off your married sex life.)

Married Sex Books

Ian Kerner: He Comes Next: The Thinking Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a ManHe Comes Next is meant to educate women on how to truly please their man. Unfortunately, the author misses out on the ways in which marriage so naturally lends itself to the process. Still, there are useful foundational issues discussed. Overall, the book encourages women to focus on helping men experience sex in a more global manner, rather than in the end-result, fast-food oriented approach encouraged by our society. Surprise, play, and a sense of adventure in your sex-life are encouraged, as are communication, relaxation, and touch that focuses on more than just a man's genitalia. The end of the book is more focused on specific techniques, most of which can be found in numerous other sources. (***)

Ian Kerner: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman This book is 225 pages about cunnilingus. Not that that's a bad thing if cunnilingus isn't a routine part of your married sex life. This book can definitely help a wife encourage her husband in that area, or instruct a husband unfamiliar with the act in techniques. It is a great collection of the collective wisdom of the subject; all of the why, what, when and how are covered in detail. However, if you and your spouse are both satisfied with this aspect of your marriage, it can probably be skipped and much of the material is repetitive of information otherwise available. Unfortunately, the author also fails to recognize the unique sexual benefits of marriage. (***)

Joe Beam: Becoming OneIntimacy is, of course, the goal of any good marriage. In this book, intimacy is described and promoted as three sides of a triangle, emotional, spiritual and sexual. In great detail, Joe Beam discusses, the importance of each and provides detailed plans for evaluating and improving each form of intimacy in your marriage. (****)

Kevin Leman: Sheet MusicThis book takes you on a married journey through sex. It begins with underlying sexual beliefs you may unknowingly bring into your marriage, journeys through the honeymoon and early days of sex, and helps you cultivate an on-going, quality sexual adventure in your marriage. Particularly appealing is its fairly comprehensive look at sex within the context of marriage. A must-read, no matter where you are currently in your marital journey. ( It's only weakness seems to be an annoying pet-name for male genitalia.) (*****)

Jr Willard F Harley: His Needs Her NeedsThis is probably THE most important book for building a strong foundation for marriage. A strong marital foundation is critical for building a wonderful, creative and mutually satisfying sex life. (*****)