Passive Aggression Finds A Home

This is a meme I read on Libby Logic, and it’s brilliant. For all of you passive aggressive nancies out there, this one’s for you:

10 Things I Wish I Could Say To Certain People

1. Your insecurities are so hard for me to deal with sometimes. I dream about giving you the movie speech where I say FAREWELL HOT MESS, just more eloquently. A crowd will gather and, after my speech, they’ll applaud. And then you’ll go far away. Martin Luther King, Jr. had a dream; this is mine.

2. You and I aren’t friends because you don’t possess the ability to be a friend to other humans. Everything about you is black and white, and I can’t wait around for you to get over your immature anger. I used to pity you, alone in your weird made-up world, but now I see you’re unhealthy for me. Immaturity aside, I hope you die in a fire.

3. Just because you have a huge cock does not mean you’re talented in bed. If anything, you’re probably handicapped, and that’s exactly what it was like sleeping with you: like being in the Special Olympics.

4. I preemptively hated you because I figured you hated me, and then you started hating me, and now I’m like FUUUUUCK.

5. To anyone that ever had an opinion on what the Esq could have done after law school (there are many of you): it’s ridiculous – I don’t tell longshoremen how to do their fucking jobs BECAUSE I’M NOT A LONGSHOREMAN.

6. You are the most narcissistic, self-centered, half-human being I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. You are utterly without merit. You are completely without value. I think, instead of internal organs, you’re filled with rotted packing peanuts. You hurt people all the time and don’t even know it. I’m sad I know you.

7. 1) I’m a better writer. 2) You’re famous. This is why you suck.

8. All these years, you’ve thought it was me who did that horrible thing to you – but what you don’t know, I can’t tell you. And it’s eating me up inside. I’m glad we’re still friends, despite what happened, but I hate that you don’t know the truth. I hate that I took one for the team and never stood up for myself.

9. Smoking in the house is disgusting – YOU are disgusting – especially when my ten-year old lives there. Thanks for killing my son slowly with the cancer you’ll probably never get. It’s always the unhealthy assholes that live forever.