Throughout its 800 years, Timbuktu city has witnessed invasions, pillage, famine, soaring prices, plagues, the effects of a devastating earthquake in 1755, marauding, political instability, internecine fighting over power, the destruction and theft of manuscripts, colonial rule and civil war.

So, let’s talk about Fifty Shades of Grey. Last weekend the movie raked in more than R2.7 billion; for those numerically disinclined (like me) that’s roughly two metric f**k-tons or many, many Nkandlas.