Saturday, December 15, 2012

This
is my friend Kevin’s house in the residential San Fernando Valley.
He’s Jewish but loves to celebrate the colors and lights of the season.
This tradition began (as most things do) because his girlfriend at the
time really loved Christmas decorations.

There’s not another house on his block even remotely as elaborate. I bet you can see Kevin's house from space.

Now
the question always arises, when do you take down your Christmas
decorations? For most people the answer is usually after the first of
the year. Certainly by Memorial Day.

But I guess if you take them down earlier you face dire consequences.

Last
year Kevin made the mistake of striking his on December 26. This
caused an absolute shitstorm with his neighbors. Their wrath knew no
seasonal bounds. Kevin’s house was egged, he was left threatening
notes, and people he didn’t even know called to scream at him.

But the coup de grace was this: His neighbor from across the street, who he never talks to and has no relationship with whatsoever, called him.

KEVIN: Hello.

TINA: Kevin, this is Tina from across the street. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!

KEVIN: Excuse me?

TINA: Why did you take down your Christmas decorations? Are you INSANE?

KEVIN: Um, Christmas is over.

TINA:
Yes, but I have a big New Year’s Eve party every year and one of the
big attractions is that everybody likes to look at your decorations.
And now you’ve RUINED MY PARTY!

I mean, how do you
possibly respond to that other than sending invitations for their next
New Year’s Eve bash to the Hells Angels?

Now to review: Out of
the goodness of his heart (the girlfriend has long since moved on to David Petraeus or whomever) Kevin puts up the decorations on his own time
and at his own expense.

First of all, Tina needs to switch to decaf and have some eggnog with a generous splash of rum to calm her down. In the future, though, I might suggest waiting at least until New Year's, or possibly until the Twelfth Day of Christmas, AKA January 5th, to take down decorations.

Kevin should really consider Tina's dilemma and put up a huge elaborate light display in which - on New Year's Eve - all the lights go out except selected ones which are arranged to form the image of a giant penis.

As Kevin alluded, Christmas actually doesn't BEGIN until December 25th (the first day of Christmas). At minimum it lasts until the Feast of Epiphany (January 5th). I know that most people are clueless about this, even many Catholics who SHOULD know.

But if "Tina" loves Christmas decorations so much her lazy butt can put her own up.

Eastern Churches following the Julian Calendar observe the Theophany feast on what for most countries is January 19[5] because of the 13-day difference today between that calendar and the generally used Gregorian calendar.[6]

Since 1970, the date of the celebration by Latin Rite Roman Catholics is fixed as January 6 only in countries where the feast is a Holy Day of Obligation, while in other countries it falls on the Sunday after January 1. In the Church of England also, the feast may be celebrated on the Sunday between January 2 and 8 inclusive.

A separate celebration of the Baptism of the Lord was introduced for Latin Rite Roman Catholics in 1955.[7] Initially, this was to be held on January 13, previously the octave day of the Epiphany, but in the 1969 revision of the General Roman Calendar the date was changed to the first Sunday after January 6.[8] In countries where in a particular year the Epiphany falls on January 7 or 8, the feast of the Baptism of the Lord is celebrated on the following Monday. In the Church of England, the same custom may be followed. In the Episcopal Church in the United States, the feast of the Baptism of the Lord is always the Sunday after January 6. ____

Oh. And Tina can pound sand until she puts a little in the kitty for the light bill.

Tina has every right to be upset. Kevin needs to get with the program. I think it is considered a moral obligation for every American, who bothers to put up Christmas lights and decorations in the first place, to leave them up until at least January 2nd, no matter what their religious or political persuasion. And if they are going by the traditional Red-neckian calendar, and leave them up until the 5th of July, that's okay, too.

Invitee #1's boyfriend: Shit. Do we have to go? Her food's always lousy. The house is decorated like a cross between a bordello and Boogie Nights. She makes everybody play those dumbass games and she ran out of beer. Do we have to go?

Invitee #1: We need to at least make an appearance or I'll have to hear for the next decade about how we betrayed her and ruined her life by not showing up.

Invitee's boyfriend: Well at least the house across the street has those awesome decorations.

Horrible tinsel and way too much chintz'll,Make everyone wish they were dead.By far the worst folly,Is trees looking jolly,When all of their leaves have been shed.And I will grant, a- nother Santa,Fills me up with dread!

It's beginning to look TOO MUCH like Christmas.Please gouge out my eyes.You'll soon see a Yule log,Blazing at the synagogue.An elf robot?My brain lobotomize!

It's beginning to look TOO MUCH like Christmas,Soon my brain will split.I hate to sound so gruff,But I've already had enough,Of this Yule Bullshit.

Funny, if my neighbour put up that many Xmas lights every year I'd be more likely to send an anonymous telegram asking him to grow up & stop overusing electricity.I'm finding this stuff pretty garish nowadays

The head. It spins. I cannot even imagine having a neighbor like that! 'Tis the season I suppose.

My two favorite suggestions for next year are 404's of putting up just one small decoration. A little reindeer perhaps, as he said, so it shows he didn't forget, but that he isn't rewarding their boorish behavior.

And since I sometimes have the mind of a 13 year old boy - the lights in a shape of a penis is a good back up. Especially if you could make it all it red lights and somehow make it blink to go from flaccid to erect.

I REFUSE to put up Christmas lights! It's just a scheme by the electric companies to jack up their profits at YOUR expense. My new neighbor put up an elaborate display and kicked it off December 1st by turning it on when it got dark and off at midnight everyday till December 31st. When he got his electric bill in January his bill had quadrupled and he thought he was going to have to rob Warren Buffet to pay the bill. The next year it was just a moving reindeer statue with glowing eyes and even then he put such low wattage bulbs in to the point it looked like Rudolph had glaucoma. Now he puts up more lights cause his wife says it doesn't feel "Christmasy" without them but only leaves them on a couple of hours at most.

JJD said... In regards to the "lady" named Tina ."a mind is a terrible thing to waste" and "she should have completed the eighth grade", at an early age Tina knew sex could get her married and living in a neighborhood like Kevins. Now all she has are the drugs and alchohal and planning the next New Years party. One worthless carbon element walking upright. Her only claim to fame was while horizontal.

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