Teachers (2016) s02e20 Episode Script

Labor Pains

1
[ROCK MUSIC]
But when World War II ended,
and the men came home,
most of the women were forced
to leave their jobs
and go back to being housewives.
Like Geena Davis
in "A League of Their Own'?
Very good, Danny.
And while we're on that topic,
in the movie, Dottie
dropped the ball on purpose.
That's a fact,
and it will be on the test.
[VOMITS]
What? I'm pregnant.
[ROCK MUSIC]
Tear it down
I have stopped responding
to anyone on OkCupid
whose profile pic isn't a photo
of their abs
taken in a bathroom mirror.
It's called respect.
Have you found a stomach you like?
Actually I found three.
Wowee! How are you gonna choose?
I'm not. I'm too good not to share.
Monogamy is for ugly people.
Well, be sure to save
some time for your BFF.
Hot Dad's working for
Animal Rescue Without Borders.
He's going to Venezuela all summer
to save stray foreign dogs.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Venezuela?
You should be worried, girl.
Venezuela is full of hot,
sweaty, Latin women.
But I'm a cold, clammy, pale woman.
Ready for lunch? I hope you don't mind.
I invited my Spanish tutor.
This is Estrella.
- And where are you from?
- Venezuela.
And there, she's like a four.
- [GASPS]
- ALL: Congratulations!
[SIGHS] Who told you idiots?
I text with some of
the popular kids in your class.
What? We get each other.
How could you not have told us? [GASPS]
We have to throw you a baby shower!
So, are you going to keep teaching,
- or are you retiring?
- Uh, chill, Stepford.
I'm not retiring. This isn't the 1940s.
[LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC]
Happy retirement day, mother to be.
Aw, you girls are top notch.
I'm sorry I wasn't able
to bake you a cake,
but I couldn't get any sugar
because of the rations.
- I blame the Nazis.
- We all do.
Debbie, you're so lucky
you're gonna be a mother.
Any of us would gladly
trade places with you.
I will! I'll do it!
You seem down in the dumps,
Mary Louise, what's cooking?
I can't stop thinking
about Hot Diggity Dad.
He's shipping out with
the 8th Division this weekend
and I'm worried he's gonna
forget about me.
Oh, he'll be back soon.
And then you can get married,
pregnant, and leave work forever.
It's what every girl wants.
Give me one more
on the kisser, soldier boy.
- I'm gonna miss you, Chels.
- You're the only fella for me.
You know that, right?
I'm gonna write you a letter every day.
Gee, that's swell. And when I'm
storming the beaches,
it's gonna be your pretty mug
I'll be picturing
as I slaughter the enemy.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Well, I've got a little something
to help you remember my pretty mug.
This is just for you.
[WOLF WHISTLE]
You're aces, kid.
Hey, Cecelia, can we gab for a second?
- Sure. What's eatin' you?
- I'm having
these strange feelings,
and you're the only one
I feel comfortable talking to
because you wear pants.
I know exactly what you're gonna say,
and it's not too late.
I know a doctor who can help you.
You just have to go to the alley
behind Main Street
What? No!
- I want to keep the baby.
- Oh.
I'm having second thoughts
about retiring.
I know women are supposed
to only want to be mothers,
but I really love teaching.
- Am I nuts?
- No, you're not.
Plenty of other women feel the same.
Other mothers enjoy working?
- But I feel so guilty.
- Don't worry.
Things are changing. 75 years from now,
I bet we'll have a woman president.
Well, if she's more qualified
than the man she's running against,
how could she not win?
[PLAYING LIVELY PIANO MUSIC]
Cut the music, Spinnoli!
For Pete's sake, Chelsea!
The Fillmore Fillies
are a trio, not a duo.
We're supposed to be practicing
the choreography
- for our show tomorrow!
- Yeah, how many letters
are you gonna write
to that soldier anyway?
Oh, I'm not writing
just one soldier, Anna Jane.
I'm writing a whole bunch.
- You Sheba.
- Oh, pipe down.
I'm just doing my part
for the war effort.
And how exactly is that
helping the war effort?
By keeping up morale.
After these guys see a photo
of me in my bathing suit, a German tank
could roll over them,
and they'd crawl out
from under it to get back to me.
- Photos keep 'em interested?
- Yeah.
You gotta show him something
he's never seen before.
Now finish your lickin' so we
can get back to rehearsing.
Oh, I am never done lickin'.
ALL: Chelsea!
[JAZZY MUSICAL FLOURISH]
Principal Pearson, I've
given this a lot of thought,
and I'd like to keep
teaching at Fillmore.
But you're,
- you know
- Pregnant?
There's no need to be crass, Mrs. Adler.
What about after your baby arrives?
How exactly will you manage
to work and raise a child?
Well, my husband's a musician.
I know, and we hired you despite that.
He works nights, so I thought
he could take care of the baby
during the day while I work.
Your husband? Taking care of your baby?
So your child will sit
in its excrement and urine
for eight hours until you come home?
My husband could change the diapers.
Enough of this nonsense!
The Fillmore Code of Conduct
explicitly states
that no woman who has children
shall be allowed to teach.
Principal Pearson, I'm a swell teacher.
- And just because I'll have a
- It's forbidden!
Our Code of Conduct says no,
and that's the way it is.
Same goes for sodomy.
Listen. I'm a man.
If we know anything,
it's what's good for a woman.
Just looking out for you
and your baby's best interest.
Here. Have a Scotch.
[LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC]
Tear it down
I can't believe I let you
talk me into wearing a tie.
Who are we? Cecelia?
Everybody, shut your traps!
The mail just came and you all need
to watch me open it.
[GASPS] Gee whiz!
Take a gander at this!
A plane named after me!
If that doesn't scare the
Nazis, I don't know what will.
- [GIGGLES]
- [GASPS]
Another plane named after you?
You practically have a whole squadron.
You've gone khaki-wacky, Chelsea.
What are you gonna do
when these soldiers come home
and find out you're a real tramp?
Look out, Rita Hayworth.
There's a new star in the sky.
Wasn't that the cat's pajamas?
Next up, on Freedom Radio,
"Don't Leave Me empty-handed,"
by The Bonobo Orchestra.
There's my cookie.
[WHISPERS] Hot Diggity Dad.
Holy mackerel! A picnic? For me?
Yes! I just realized
how much I'm gonna miss you
when you ship out.
Are those cheese sandwiches?
Oh, boy, these look delicious.
For you.
Mary Louise, what are these?
Parts of my body
you've never seen before.
You know, for you to look at
while you're away.
Holy mackerel!
- Is that your
- Elbow.
Is something wrong?
Didn't realize you were ready
to show me
all of this.
Now that you're going away
so soon, I am.
That's your elbow, huh?
[SOLEMN JAZZ MUSIC]
- You sent for me?
- Mrs. Adler
after our disturbing
conversation yesterday,
I thought a medical professional
should counsel you on your
- you know, your
- Pregnancy?
Please stop using that word.
Hello, Mrs. Adler.
My name is Dr. Lennon,
and I'm an obstetrician.
Do you know what that means?
Of course. I'm not a dummy.
Oh, we've got
a real quick one here, Toby!
Yes, she's a real pepper pot.
I hear you've been talking
gobbledygook about wanting
to return to work after giving birth.
That's right.
You're not using logic right now.
That can happen when
you're sauced on hormones.
No, I'm thinking clearly.
I can work after having my baby.
Sure, until one day
you're standing in front
of your class and your uterus falls out.
You don't want that, do ya?
Think of the children.
[TENSE MUSICAL STING]
That's a drawing.
You'd be a lot happier
if you thought less.
Have you ever considered a lobotomy?
[TENSE MUSICAL STING]
Make sure her husband gets this.
- Will do, Doctor.
- Hmm.
And don't forget to shake
those gams at tonight's dance,
where our very own Fillmore Fillies
will be singing
for our brave boys overseas.
So he didn't like the photographs?
- You think he's a queer?
- Oh, applesauce! I hope not.
Hmm.
Abner! I said eyes to the corner!
You gotta do something
more drastic. [GASPS]
I've got it! Bring him to see
the Fillmore Fillies croonin' tonight,
pull him onto the dance floor,
and do "The Tootie Squeeze."
It'll be a gas.
What? No!
Pastor Theodore says that dance
is for good-time girls and gangsters.
Oh, hush. It'll get his blood boiling.
It'll be a night he'll never forget.
Chelsea!
- There's my girl!
- Oh!
I came back for you, sweetheart.
Hey doll.
This is my best friend Mary Louise.
Mary Louise, this is
I'm sorry. What's your name?
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC]
R. Hamler.
Mary Louise, this is R. Hamler!
I've told you about my dearest R. Hamler
a million times, you numbskull.
How could you forget
my number one sweetie R. Hamler's name?
R. Hamler, please forgive
my fat-head friend.
She's got the memory of a goldfish.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Oh R.
Ever since I told Pearson
I didn't want to leave my job,
he's been treating me
like I belong in the loony bin.
- Sounds like you do.
- You know, some women
do work after pregnancy.
Yeah. Prostitutes.
You ladies need to open your minds.
I have something to show you.
Come with me.
Hey, hand me that socket wrench.
This my wrench!
What is this? Some kind of garage?
- Yeah.
- But how? It's all girls.
Hey, sugar.
Mmm, hi.
[BOTH MOAN SOFTLY]
This is Judy. She runs this place,
and she's my roommate.
Since most of the men
have gone to war, these women
have stepped up, and a lot
of them are mothers to boot.
- So I'm not bonkers.
- No. Get a load of that.
- [GASPS] Yowzas!
- Wow!
Oh, wait. If there's no men here,
then who tells the women what to do?
I do.
[LAUGHS]
- Oh.
- But what about their babies?
With their mothers working,
don't they turn out
to be murderers, or God forbid,
homosexuals?
You know, it's not
No. No, the kids are right as rain.
We're a community.
We support each other,
and help with childcare when needed.
So what do you say?
After seeing all of this,
should we go back
and tell Principal Pearson
that Debbie should be allowed
to stay on the job?
- Yeah!
- You bet ya!
Cecelia, I think it's so keen
that you have a roommate
to split the bills with
until you find a man.
Mm-hmm.
[GRUNTS]
- There she is.
- What's happening here?
- What kind of a woman are you?
- Excuse me?
We know all about your plans
to abandon your child
and return to work.
You're disgusting!
It's bad enough
you're abusing your own child.
- Stay away from ours!
- Yeah!
You make me wanna yak.
I hope you're happy.
These are members of One Thousand Moms!
It's your cockeyed ideas
that are responsible for this.
They're not cockeyed.
Mrs. Adler should be allowed
to continue working.
- [WOMEN GASP]
- The Fillmore Code of Conduct
will never be broken!
[PLAYING UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC]
ALL: I'm sending an ahoy
to you sweet sailor boy
My heart has been a wreck
Since you first swabbed my deck
When I climbed
your long mast sailor boy
I fell fast
And now that you're gone,
I still love you so
You made me boy-crazy
with your big torpedo
Sailor boy come home because
I'm dreaming and hoping
If the front door's closed
you know the back door is open
- Ooh ooh there you are
- Hey, barkeep.
A gin and tonic for the guy,
and a Shirley Temple
for his doll, and give me
extra maraschino cherries.
We're going on a bender.
Mary Louise, I've never seen you dressed
like this before. Is everything okay?
What's with all the questions?
You're just trying to hide
what a ducky shincracker you are.
Oh, you know I'm no good at dancing.
ALL: Ooh ooh there you are
[APPLAUSE]
Thanks, gang.
The Fillmore Fillies are gonna
take a quick break.
Now here's a racy little number
that'll get your gams moving.
It's "The Tootie Squeeze"!
[APPLAUSE]
"The Tootie Squeeze"! Let's do it!
No, Mary Louise, that's not for me.
Don't be such a cold fish. Come on!
[LIVELY SWING MUSIC PLAYS]
Hey
Ho
Oh hey
Cookie!
Let's go, dreamboat. Shake those hips!
- Please.
- Ah, come on, big boy!
Yeah
Tootie squeeze
- Stop!
- [RECORD SCRATCHES, SONG STOPS]
Mary Louise, this isn't you.
What are you doing?
I wanted you to have the hots for me.
[SOFT ROMANTIC MUSIC]
- What's going on?
- I thought I had to do
something wild
so you wouldn't forget me.
Well, that's crazy. You don't need any
of this fluff to make me remember you.
I only have eyes for you.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS]
- Hubba hubba!
- Oh, jeez.
Sorry, cookie. I gotta get back to base
or they're gonna think I've gone AWOL.
Hot Diggity Soldier.
[LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]
[APPLAUSE]
That was better than
the Andrews Sisters!
It sure was.
Boy, oh, boy, you were great.
- Oh, you really think so?
- Go on.
- I know.
- What's up, Debbie?
Is your girdle cutting off
your circulation again?
No, I'm just down in the dumps
after what happened today.
Why doesn't anyone believe
that I can keep my job
and still do what's best for my baby?
We need to show Pearson what
we think of his crummy rules.
I have an idea.
Chelsea! Hey, Chelsea!
- [GASPS] Hot damn!
- What's wrong?
Another one of my soldiers came home.
Let's use the back door.
Chelsea, it's me! I've come back for ya!
We gotta hightail it out of here.
[GASPS] The side door! It's quicker!
Has anyone seen my girl Chelsea Snap?
- R. Hamler.
- Chelsea Snap's my girl.
They must have got your head
when they got that leg.
- Chelsea's my dame.
- What are you two wise guys
saying about my sweetie?
Hey, take a powder, Cyclops.
- Yeah?
- [GRUNTS]
[CROWD GASPS]
Come on! [LAUGHS]
[MEN GRUNTING]
Get up! Come here!
- [GRUNTS]
- [CROWD GASPS]
- Whoa!
- [WOMEN GASP]
- Get him!
- Yeah?
- [MEN GRUNTING]
- [LAUGHS]
[GRUNTING CONTINUES]
I need to borrow this.
- [GRUNTS]
- Oh!
Chels?
Tear it down
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
What's all this, ladies?
It's after 8:00 a.m.
- Go to your rooms.
- We're not going anywhere.
Especially me. Now stay out of my way,
or you'll get a knuckle sandwich!
Call the coppers! Call Dr. Lennon!
Help! Ah!
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]
We're done with your stupid rules.
- Yeah, you old fuddy duddy.
- The future is female!
Not the Code of Conduct!
It was written by great men
over 80 years ago
and protects us from sodomy!
- We need a change around here.
- And by the way,
a woman can have an orgasm
without a man.
- La la la la la
- How do I know?
We've all done it with our fingers!
The rules aren't going away
because you did that.
You tearing it up doesn't
actually mean anything!
Means a lot to me!
[LAUGHTER]
ALL: Aww!
- Happy baby shower.
- This means a lot to me.
We're super stoked for you, dog.
If you need a midwife,
I'm happy to help.
I have a beautiful place
in Humboldt Park
where I've delivered two
homeless women's babies.
Thanks, but I'd rather not give birth
on a bed of hypodermic needles.
And if you need a baby-sitter,
Mary Louise will do it.
- Okay, bye.
- You can't leave yet.
I was just about to go get the cake.
I only eat cake in a dark closet
on Tuesdays at 2:00 p.m.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm meeting one
of my OkCupid hotties
for the first time.
Mrs. Adler, I just wanted to
stop by and say congratulations.
Although I won't be
your principal next year,
I should remind you that,
after your delivery,
the district requires you
to return to work in four weeks.
- [SCOFFS]
- Hmm?
- Mmm.
- You do not do that.
[ROCK MUSIC]
Unh-uh.
[WHISPERS] Hot Boyfriend.
[NORMAL VOICE]
Hola, my tall glass of agua.
I'm just going to get Deb's cake.
What are you doing here?
Well, I was just thinking about how much
I'm gonna miss you
when I'm in Venezuela,
so I thought I'd stop by.
- Can I tell you something?
- Sure.
I'm a little nervous about all the hot,
sweaty, Latin women.
[CHUCKLES] Sweaty?
Uh-huh.
Well, you have nothing
to be nervous about.
[SOFT ROMANTIC MUSIC]
I know it might sound old-fashioned,
but I only have eyes for you.
- You do?
- Yeah.
I love you.
I love you too.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS]
[MUSIC FADES OUT]
Mary Louise? Mary Louise?
[WHISPERS] Okay.
[GRUNTS] Ah, there we go.
[ROCK MUSIC]
Tear it down
BOTH: Aww!
That was fast.
What happened to your date?
It's over already. He only knew me
by my screen name, and when
I told him my real name,
he got upset and walked out
of the restaurant.
- Why?
- Apparently his grandfather
died in World War II in a plane
named "The Chelsea."
[GASPS] I think this
is the universe's way
of punishing me for stringing
along so many guys!
- It's okay.
- No! It was devastating!
As he walked away, I saw his firm ass.
So firm.
Hey, I was just in the supply closet
getting more plastic cups,
and I found this old photo.
It says, "The Fillmore Six."
Oh, yes, that's from the 1940s.
They were a group
of feminist teachers who wanted
to change the way that women
were treated at Fillmore.
- That's awesome.
- Unfortunately,
they were all sent to a psychiatric ward
and were never released.
Well, at least they look happy.
That's because of the lobotomies.
[SOMBER JAZZ MUSIC]
- That's awful.
- Oh, my God.
Ohh.
[ROCK MUSIC]
Tear it down
Tear it down
Tear it down
Tear it down
Oh, yeah.