Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I did something I never did before. Impulsively, without thinking it through, I deleted a comment. Lori, I apologize. You said something that really stung me, because it wasn't completely true. And I get so tired of being misunderstood. Maybe it's that I don't express myself in words well enough, I don't know.

At any rate, Lori told me that my last post was self-pity of the worst kind. While I won't deny that I was having a hard time yesterday and some self pity was involved, that was not my main intent.

Listing those things is a dose of reality for me, a way of forcing myself to keep moving on with my life. I had gotten caught up in the old routine of doing dumb things like checking facebook 20 times a day to see if JJ had thrown me a crumb or two. And it just doesn't happen. So it's time to face the facts, and keep moving forward. It was more of a pep talk to myself, to stop making him my main focus in life, to stop "living" for crumbs thrown my way from him. And to make it clear to myself that he is not the cause of all this, I am, so as not to blame him. I am the cause of all of this, not him. So the "I don't deserve ..." part is not said out of self-pity, it is said out of truth, to me. It was a reminder to myself.

I go through this every once in a while, making my son my main focus in life. It can't be that way. My life gets out of whack when that happens.

It does feel like things will never change, even though, Lori, you are right, we can never KNOW that for sure. But from how much I do know him, I can say that the percentage is high that I'm right. And I want to change my focus so I'm not having one miserable day after another.

Time to open my eyes up wider to see the rest of my world, my hubby, my family, friends, and everybody and everything else, and make the most of my life.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

It's time to face the facts:1. My son will never love me or care about me the way I'd like for him to.2. I know that I don't deserve his love and care.3. My son will never desire to know me, to know who I really am.4. My son will never allow me to get to know him the way I'd like to.5. My son will never allow me to be a real part of his life.6. I will always be on the outside, peering in through the window of his life.7. I know I don't deserve more than that.

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About Me

I am a birthmom (please substitute the term that you prefer here, bmom is the easiest term for me to use, most people are more familiar with it than the other terms, but quite frankly I don't like any of them) Anyway, I was pregnant with my son at 16. I won't give any other details here, I'll let my story unfold as I go along. My main reason for starting this blog is that I am a Christian and a birthmom. That's not a combination many other bmoms are comfortable with (or at least not many of them that I have had contact with) I have belonged to a few bmom groups, and have not been allowed to give my opinions or thoughts freely because of my beliefs. I have been attacked many times for things that I've said. I just want a place to speak freely and not be condemned for it. If I can help someone else along the way, then my suffering has not been in vain.