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It was only a matter of time until something horrendous like the Colorado Cinema shooting happened, and, sadly, it’s only a matter of time until it does again. While I firmly believe in living our lives fully, not in fear (or “the terrorists win”), something about this started to bother me as slightly different then past events of this kind. You will have noticed the sub-title for part two of this piece “Our Darkest Night”, and while it’s clearly a play on words, I felt it could use some explanation.

I had been taking a little break from the hard hitting world of internet reviews and social commentary, mostly due to some work bullshit, but when the Dark Knight decided to rise from his self-imposed exile, so did I, feeling my work was not yet done. I requested this assignment from Fred because I felt I was the perfect person to review this film, not because I am a huge comic book fan or Batfan, but because I wasn’t. He told me Brent would most likely cover it, but I could go ahead and do the same… not only is a different perspective a good thing… but this is clearly the single biggest movie in the history of humanity…

Did you ever have one of those moments when your illusions are shattered? Like the day you found out there was no Santa Claus, your team was eliminated from the playoffs, that sequel you were really excited about kind of sucked. This is the story of one of those days….

I must admit from the start that the Underworld films are quickly becoming one of my favorite series in recent memory, that’s why I requested this assignment from Fred a ridiculous 3 months in advance, and threatened to shoot up a pre-school if I didn’t get it. Luckily, the Too Heavy staff is more or less pro-not murdering children, which is a fact I will be sure to exploit on many future occasions in order to get my way. Now if I had to summarize the premise of the original to someone who had never seen it, I would have to cede the point that most people would think a story that was basically Romeo and Juliet with vampires and werewolves sounds fucking retarded….

And you would be right to think so.

(editorial note: Younglings can be murdered only if it helps increase your powers on the dark side.)Keep Going…

Several decades ago, a visionary director by the name of Bob Clark helped create what would go on to become of the quintessential holiday classics of all time. This film would go on to perfectly capture the innocence of youth, the magic of the Christmas season, and the spirit of a young man who while facing a sometimes troubling misadventures would go on to see all his yuletide dreams come true. By now you’re probably thinking I am talking about the 1983 Bob Clark classic, A Christmas Story….