isurvive.org

Discussion area for adult survivors who are afraid they might hurt others physically, sexually, emotionally, and/or verbally. Also an area for those who have harmed someone physically, sexually, emotionally, and/or verbally and want to heal. Sexual addiction can also be discussed.

I try so hard not to be defensive and not see danger in all people. I am on hyper alert all the time. I do therapy and meditation, excersise and I still feel terrified all the time. My partner is loving and my first reaction is always defence. I feel I have to justify my every movement because I had to with my Parents (my abusers). Every part of my life was controlled and know I am a grown woman I still feel like that scared child. I want to stop seeing the world through their eyes. When will it end? My father was a psychopath and I still feel controlled by him. I want to stop taking my rage out on my partner and seeing him in the same light as them.

hi sergeholmes,
nice to meet you, welcome.
sorry for what you have been through and its impact on you. do you have a therapist to work with? that could help along with all you are already doing.
sending support,
recover

I totally understand. There is something about being hurt a lot that leads to a lack of trust. In my situation I call it "always watching for the backdoor". I work hard at trusting my spouse. He has earned that trust but it I am very careful still even after all these years. It isn't him. It is me... and for darn good reason.

I've recently done some reading that sheds new light onto your situation - which is not unlike my own. There's this study that was completed in the mid 90s called "adverse childhood experiences" or ACE. Essentially the data ties childhood trauma to physical, emotional and sociological problems faced later in adulthood.

What's most interesting about the study is they conclude that trauma and stress during the formative years resides the brain. The part of the brain that pushes you into "fight if flight" mode is always on high alert. There's no middle ground, no moderation. Add a little stress and the switch goes from off to on. Someone didn't pick up milk at the grocery store? Someone cut you off in traffic? Your SO made an off the cuff remark that didn't sit well? Your brain floods your body with all of the same chemicals it would if a bear started chasing you in the woods.

Look into it. Talk to your therapist. I'm talking to mine this week about it. I'm going to see if there's treatment out there. It's amazing how damaging it is and what it can lead to.