Tag Archives: Mediation

Shockingly my 78 year old husband, after 17 years together, has announced he wants us to lead separate lives. I have decided that I will move out and divorce him because I do not want to spend whatever life I have left in a loveless marriage.

I am profoundly sad. I also know that I still have the strength to survive as I am only 63 years old. Between tears I have focused on doing all the practical things required: finding somewhere else to live, packing up, finding suppliers for the new lifestyle, finding movers to take what furniture I still own. I will be taking the rescued dog with me as I paid for him and he is registered in my name. The 7 rescued cats are a bit more difficult! He wants 2 of them, but I have decided to take them with me because I am the one who does the food and care-taking on a daily basis.

When my husband made his announcement he also said he did not want a divorce because of the money it would cost him. I do not want more than I am legally entitled to and my lawyer does say we are considered a long-term marriage. Thus a financial settlement is ahead. My husband is in for a surprise.

I was a divorce mediator for over 5 years and have gone and photocopied as many of the financial and legal documents that I could find in his desk. I am including this information here because it will really help to know what his assets are and what the account numbers are etc. People are expected to make a declaration of assets, yet I have seen people (particularly wealthy men) try to hide what monies are around. My advice to anyone in a similar position is that old saying ‘possession is 9/10ths of the law’.

I have started re-reading “The WHICH? Guide to Divorce” by Imogen Clout. It is a very practical guide to the legal and financial arrangements and includes some further information about issues affecting children. I would recommend not only reading this guide, but if you do have children, please take a look at my e-book “Parenting Your Way Through Divorce”. You do need to put the needs of the children first.

Grief is shock, sadness, anger, and acceptance and it is not a linear progression. You go in and out of the various stages. Luckily as a Psychotherapist for over 20 years I do understand how to grieve well. If you need more information do take a look at my e-book “Loss is Part of Life”.

I can see a new life opening up and will do my best to embrace whatever is ahead.

Twitter has allowed me to ‘meet’ people all around the world including the Editor of JapanToday an English language newspaper in Japan. What a stroke of luck! He kindly allowed me to send him a press release and then printed it! I feel very honoured and absolutely thrilled to know that people in Japan know about me and my self help ebooks. How marvelous the internet is for all of us! It’s life changing for me!

Here is what was printed in Japan Today:-

“New Help for those with nowhere else to turn…

Tokyo – Domestic violence, rape, bullying, depression and alcoholism are more common in relationships than we care to think. They are all issues most women don’t ever dare speak about, even to their mothers or closest friends. But the wall of silence often surrounding them means many people have nowhere to turn for help they desperately need.

Psychotherapist and Author, Susan Jane Smith, recognizes this is a problem potentially facing Japanese society, among others. Her self-help book, “Emotional Health for Emotional Wealth” offers practical, sensitive guidance on dealing with these taboo subjects and many forms of emotional pain.

Subtitled “The View from the Therapist’s Office”, the book also includes chapters on love, parenting through divorce, stress and bereavement. Smith has over 20 years’ experience as a psychotherapist in the UK and the USA. She has counselled thousands of women – and men – in ways of coping with all manner of emotional challenges, both within and outside marriage and relationships.

“Nothing shocks me,” she says. “But I know how difficult it can be for people to speak openly about things like domestic violence or abuse, particularly in non-Western cultures. My book is designed to help them confront and manage all sorts of types of emotional pain. This pain needs healing before a person can have the emotional wealth required for a happier life, hence the title of my book.”

“If you feel you can’t speak to anyone about your emotional problems or you just want to better understand how to deal with them, then “Emotional Health for Emotional Wealth” will give you support and guidance.”

Smith’s other self-help book “Pre-Marital MOT: A Relationship Inspection” is also now available in Japan. It is designed to enable betrothed couples to assess their relationship before the wedding and to highlight and hopefully address potential emotional problems. As Smith states: “Marriage is so much more than just the ceremony.”

My Twitter followers number over 1800 now and many are following, I suspect, because I am open about being a survivor of incest, rape and domestic violence. My childhood suffering has driven a need within me for knowledge and understanding. I’ve read all the self help books I could and I re-trained to do counselling when in my thirties. I trained as a divorce mediator also. I’ve spent over twenty years looking at other people’s lives as well as my own. You can find out more about me in my Amazon Author Bio and on the About Me page of www.EmotionalHealthForEmotionalWealth.co.uk

One theme runs through a lot of my observations: domination. It does not need to be as severe as abuse. It can be as subtle as not saying what you actually want. It may be that one person in a relationship controls the money and, therefore, can chose where the couple live, what they eat, clothes they wear, and where they go. This is an unbalanced relationship. One person has more control than the other.

Negotiating a win win is the most equitable style of living togther so you both get some of what you each want. In a compromise, each person has to give up something to get to the middle, so negotiation is the best way forward.

When a persom is dominant it is being driven by fear and their inadequacies and an inability to cope. They usually have poor communication skills and those could be improved if the dominent person had the incentive to do that work. In my opinion, counselling and personal growth is the only way forward. Sadly for many who are dominent their very fears (particularly of change) keep them trapped and unable to seek help. Frequently destroying a relationship – so sad. Further, not a good example to any children of the relationship.

If you are separating or divorcing there are issues that you need to sort out like the division of your assets and the continued parenting of your children.

Self Help for a Parenting Plan

My self-help e-book “Parenting Your Way Through Divorce” can help you write a formal Parenting Plan. Why bother? Well,if you actually sit down and answer the questions and write up the answers it gives you a thought through approach and ideally you each do this and then discuss it together. If you are not at the stage of being able to talk reasonably alone then mediation as part of the process may work for you.

Mediation is about meeting with an independent professional who is trained to facilitate the two of you negotiating an equitable settlement – financially and over the access and care of the children.

In an ideal world the parents put the needs of the children first. If there is emotional immaturity or bitterness or depression on either side this may not be possible without intervention by an outsider. Frequently people are hurt by the other person and can want revenge or simply want to not speak to that person ever again. This is where the solicitor becomes useful as it is a matter of trying to reach an agreement that the court will accept…preferably before you get before a judge.

When getting married people tend not to think of it as a legal process – it is romantic and can be religious. It is a legal contract which is why you need legal advice about your rights and responsibilities when you want to leave a marriage. You cannot simply walk away.

If there is a power imbalance as in domestic violence or emotional abuse, you may find that mediation is not appropriate. See my blog about that at www.Goodreads.com

Forget ‘Dancing Queen ‘ (song by Abba) I think I’ve become the Self-Help Queen now that my 23 books/e-books are for sale on Amazon!

I am a survivor of incest, rape, domestic violence and the miscarriage of my baby. I spent 3 years in counselling in the U.S.A. and turned my life around personally and professionally. I re-trained.

Over 20 years as a Psychotherapist and 5 years as a Divorce Mediator followed. Now I am writing self-help e-books to help other people. I hope my books will inspire you to change your life if you are sad, angry, stressed, depressed or unhappy.

My 17 e-books in the Little Book Series of Emotional Health for Emotional Wealth were written to give you a starting place – some basic information and support. Through Amazon they are selling world-wide: U.S.A., Canada, U.K., France, Germany, Spain, Italy, India, Brazil, Japan, China and via http://www.Amazon.com in Australia and New Zealand.

Well, I have had a busy few days updating my profile on www.Goodreads.com, www.facebook.com/EmotionalHealthForEmotionalWealth.co.uk, Linked In, and have still to do Google + and Twitter! I have also got my website designers to update my website so take a look at the store page in a couple of days – it should show 23 books for sale by Christmas!

Updating my biography has taken the longest and I am publishing the updated version here too just in case you want to know more about me!

I have been motivated by authors like Louise Hay, Susan Jeffers, Susan Forward, Rhonda Byrne, and Paul McKenna. Now it is my chance to inspire positive change in other people. I turned to books to learn about how to heal and create a happier life. As a survivor of incest, rape, domestic violence and the miscarriage of my baby, I went against my family norm and undertook counselling to sort out my feelings. I turned my life around and hope that you will be able to gain some insight and support from my self-help e-books.

After a career in admin I gained a Bachelor of Science degree in Business Management in my thirties. I then re-trained because I felt that there had to be more to life than pushing paper around!

I was a Psychotherapist in private practice from 1987 until 2009. I was born in New Hampshire, U.S.A. and because of my English Mother, I grew up in Lydney, Gloucestershire, England. I returned to this area and live with the tranquillity of the beautiful Forest of Dean.

Previously, I had a successful counselling practice in Milton Keynes, Buckinghamshire, England for 17 years. My professional education comes mainly from the U.S.A. where I was awarded a degree in Business Management and went on to study for a master’s degree in community psychology. My Father died and I returned to England with my Mother.

I was also a Divorce Mediator for five years with the Family Mediators Association and a Professional Practice Consultant for the U.K. College of Family Mediation. I bring that broad range of experience to my books “Emotional Health for Emotional Wealth” and “Pre-Marital MOT: A Relationship Inspection”. See the About Me page of my website: www.EmotionalHealthForEmotionalWealth.co.uk for more information about my training and experience. Both of these books are currently available in paperback from my website or via the book stores. Both are Kindle e-books, available on my website also, and are e-pub available for other e-book readers via the major retailer’s on-line book stores in the U.K. and the U.S.A.

My latest book “Hugs & Emotional Wealth Change the World” is about how people can be kinder to each other using hugs and take personal responsibility for their quality of emotional wealth by understanding themselves better. Thus the individual’s efforts will change the world as more people take care of themselves and thus others and the world in general. Please do take a look at this book for all our sakes and especially for those of your children and grandchildren.

My Little Book Series of Emotional Health for Emotional Wealth are re-packaged sections from the original book formulated as e-books. They allow people to purchase information about specific topics and see what I have to say about them! Amazon now offers:

Sexual Abuse & Incest

Physical & Emotional Abuse Hurts the World as Well as The Child

Rape – Not Sexual Assault

Charming Men and Chauvinists

What Passes for Passion on TV

Walking on Egg Shells

Worry Doesn’t Fix Anything

My Drinking Isn’t a problem!

Feeling Down?

Parenting Your Way Through Divorce

Food and Thought

Superwoman Does Not Exist

Loss is Part of Life

Why Walk Into A Therapists’ Office? (Journey, Benefits and When Therapy Won’t Work)

What Every 16 Year Old Needs to Know about Love

How a Functional Family Might Look

How Not to be a Doormat

I would like people to stop and think about their relationships and would love people to feel empowered to create an emotionally wealthy world!