Category: What Am I Looking At?

If you love the kind of grotesque imagery that will turn your stomach and haunt your dreams forever, then you’re no doubt a fan of Today’sannual Halloween costume parade of half-assed horrors. Obviously nothing will ever top the year they dropped nightmares all over your childhood by dressing up as a near-sighted serial killer’s idea of the Peanuts gang. This year the Today crew slipped into their best country-fied drag for a Grand Ole Opry-themed Halloween.

As expected, Taylor Swift’s butt-groping case went to trial in Denver, Colorado this week. Taylor’s appearance in court yesterday was documented with a courtroom sketch. But by the look of that sketch, I’m not entirely sure Taylor Swift was actually there?

Unicorn shit is so hot right now. When I say shit, I mean there is literally no end to the stuff you can buy that looks like someone let a unicorn drag its dirty butt across it first. Makeup. Toast. Dildos. Starbucks has recently decided to hop on the unicorn trend bandwagon with a pink and blue monstrosity called the Unicorn Frappuccino, available starting tomorrow.

Starbucks says that the Unicorn Frapp is a color-shifting drink that starts out purple, then turns to pink, then blue. Starbucks takes a crème base and blends it with mango syrup and a sour blue drizzle, then finishes it with whipped cream and pink and blue powder. Here’s what the Unicorn Frapp looks like in real life. It looks like an edible Shampoodle.

The Unicorn Frappuccino will be available from April 19 until April 23 in participating Starbucks in the US, Canada, and Mexico.

I bet the second Britney Spears (Queen of Frapps) and Mariah Carey (Official Liason Between Humans and Unicorns) found out about this unholy union, they called each other up, screaming with excitement and made a date to be the first in line to buy one. Or maybe they’ve already tried it? I bet they were the masterminds behind this frapp. I know Starbucks wants to take credit for the Unicorn Frapp, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it came into existence after Britney Spears and Mariah Carey ambushed a Starbucks, Bonnie and Clyde-style, and demanded the baristas let them chug directly from all the syrup dispensers and snort the sugar powder.

So remember back in December when a cell phone exploded in CeeLo Green’s face and it turned out to be a big hoax to promote his new music project, Gnarly Davidson? We finally got to meet Gnarly Davidson in person during the Grammys. And just like his namesake, Gnarly is also loud, obnoxious, and looks like he stinks of chemical fumes. And yet, still more tolerable that the real CeeLo Green.

CeeLo wore a gold ensemble with some kind of comic book villain thing happening on his head. I’m sure the look he was going for was menacing and powerful, but he looks more like a knock-off Power Ranger toy from the dollar store. He also looks like what you’d get from a grandma who has never seen Star Wars after she offers to make your C3PO costume for Halloween. Of course the internet quickly took to roasting him on Twitter and turning him into a variety of memes.

Some of that gold spray paint must have reacted poorly with some butt crack sweat and caused a major chafe situation, because CeeLo Green didn’t stick around the Grammys for very long. It appears he hopped into one of Adam West’s old rides and went home.

CeeLo didn’t win anything because he wasn’t actually nominated for a Grammy this year, so he wasn’t leaving early out of pettiness. Then again, I wouldn’t be surprised if CeeLo’s crazy ass thought he was nominated in every category. The final straw came after losing Best Country Solo Performance to Maren Morris, and he was like “That’s it, this shit is clearly rigged. Driver, go get the car.”

Here’s more of CeeNO STOP at the Grammys last night, as well as his debut as Gnarly Davidson at a pre-Grammy party on Saturday night.

Anna Wintour probably thought she was going to be greeted with a wall of applause for putting a non-skinny like Ashley on the cover with the rest of the low-BMI club. Except that her nomination for 2017’s biggest humanitarian award was replaced with people accusing Vogue of trying to make Ashley look skinnier. After people screamed and made the sign of the cross at Gigi’s extra long demon alien hand, they wondered why all the other models got to pose with their arms bent like 1980s Barbies while Ashley had to rest hers on her leg. Ashley Graham has an explanation about that arm situation.

That story about the heroic French race walker getting the runs (literally) and collapsing before finishing the race has been e-mailed to me 100% more times than this riveting story has, but I already did one Olympic post about a shitty mess caused by an asshole, so I’m going to talk about this couple possibly getting their oceanfront fuck-on instead.

Dan Walker of BBC Sport was reporting live on Copacabana Beach in Rio for the Olympics when viewers tweeted about a dude possibly doing the freestyle front stroke on a lady friend in front of everyone on the sand. If they were really screwing, it’s just screwing! Big deal! But Dan Walker got all embarrassed when viewers pointed it out and he joked that they were hugging or just reading a book…in the dark… and in a weird position. If that’s how you read a book in Brazil, then I need to get on a plane and find a Barnes & Noble in Rio. The clip is below and I’ve watched it a hundred times and I’m still not sure what’s going on. But I do know that this is not what I have in mind when you combine “BBC” and fucking.

All together now: “Matt Lauer, take that fuckery to your hotel room!”

Okay, I know it’s been a while, but isn’t there supposed to be some thrusting action? What’s even weirder is that Dan Walker is supposedly a sports presenter, so where is his play-by-play? Where are the slow-motion clips? Where are the after-performance interviews? Where are the scores? By the way, I give them a perfect 10 (0 for form, but 10 for shamelessness).