May 17, 2011

Genie

My former apartment building may be sold
soon and I was thinking about trying to move back into it eventually. Last night, I was sketching out the floorplan of apartment #21, the
one I wanted for so long, the one with a view of the Bay and Golden
Gate Bridge. The one where I can see the fireworks on the 4th of July.

I had this odd sense of going back in time, like I was falling into an
old pattern, or more of a bad habit. It felt so very wrong. I
didn't finish sketching the placement of furniture. Once I had the
floorplan in front of me, I stopped and looked at it. A sense of dread
came over me and I put a big X through it. If I moved back into that
building, it would be the equivalent to exhuming a body, revisiting
something that is best left buried in the past. I cannot tell you how wrong
it felt to see it again. If I ever go to visit my friend who lives
there, I wonder how that will feel. She lives across the hall from that apartment and she has the same view. Her space is decorated in beautiful French style. Will I fall in love with the
building all over again?

I've felt there had to be a reason that I needed to leave San Francisco. At first I thought it was love. Then I thought it could be a great job. But now I see it was to get a clean slate. I remembered this morning how I
focused on those words less than two years before my forced move. I even had one of my hypnotherapy sessions built around that phrase because that's how much I wanted a clean slate.

Now I realize that Law of Attraction can be like a genie granting a wish. You have to be extremely careful and specific in your wording. By "clean slate", I meant I
wanted to be rid of my issues, start fresh, start anew. But I meant with a
new job, being smart about finances, getting my life in order,
being healthy in every aspect. And... that's exactly what I got, but I didn't
want to have to move to get it! I didn't want to have to get rid of 90%
of my possessions to get it. I didn't want to have to go to a deeper
level of struggling and hardship to get it. Damn. Do you know how I got
those words in my head? The January 2009 issue of House Beautiful with the
words "A Clean Slate" on the cover. It was an issue about freshening up the home, like January white
sales and spring cleaning make us think of. All I could think about was
spring cleaning my life. And that's precisely what I got. That is truly amazing.