Jane Stillwater is a freelance journalist, war correspondent, blogger, political Cassandra and author of "Bring Your Own Flak Jacket: Helpful Tips for Touring Today's Middle East," now available on Amazon.com

Friday, August 13, 2004

Why I am a Conservative (and proud of it too) Good grief! I always thought that I was a liberal. Now I've discovered that I am conservative AND I'M PROUD OF IT!

In my world, if people aren't doing their job, they get fired. Bush failed to protect America on 9/11. He lied about the war on Iraq. Why is he still in the White House? If Congress were conservative, they would fire his ass -- if not put him in jail

In July alone, my country went $69.16 billion dollars further into debt. I don't believe in debt. I don't even have a credit card. But apparently Congress has gone to the mall bigtime with its Visa. That's fiscal irresponsibility! Only liberals do that. A conservative would take away ALL Congressional charge cards.

"We need to send more aid to Israel," said Paul Wolfowitz. Who is this guy? Another liberal bleeding heart? We already gave Israel 90 billion dollars. We've given Israel more aid than any country in the world -- and probably more than we give to Rhode Island. If those wimps in Israel can't control a few Palestinians with 90 billion dollars, why should they deserve welfare from us? They should go out and work and get a job like everybody else. Forget all that liberal talk. I AM A CONSERVATIVE!

Get this straight. I didn't like it when the Marines went to Tripoli. And now I don't want them in Iraq. I am an isolationist. Let's mind our own business. That makes me a conservative. And proud of it too.

While we're on the subject of the war on Iraq, how about those death statistics? If a Marine dies in combat, he's counted. If he dies on the way to the hospital, he's not. Out of the 22,000 GI casualties, how many of those have died without being counted? Are we being lied to? George Washington would never do that.

I want to go back to the good old days. Before corporations became neo-Welfare Queens. The Republicans say that they stand for fiscal responsibility? They're liberals! They are giving all of our tax money away to their PAC landlords (and not to us).

Jesus? Who ARE these so-called Christians who can't even read their Bibles? What would Jesus do? Lie? Kill? Defile our flag at Abu Ghraib? Not Him. Not me. When it comes to religion, call me old-fashioned but...I believe in the Bible!

Income tax? Those liberal Repubs in Congress and the White House are hijacking our treasury. And if their hanger-on friends in Big Busniess were true capitalists, they would LOVE paying taxes. It would demonstrate to everyone that they had just made tons of profits. These losers would never be able to make profits at all if the government wasn't shoring them up. That's liberal talk! And all that IRS tax bureaucracy? Dump that. Forget income tax. A1% federal sales tax is much more conservative.

And what's with all this government debt and paper money with no gold in Fort Knox. What happened to all the gold in Fort Knox? Ask the liberals like Richard M. Nixon. Me? I'm a conservative.

I believe in states' rights. The feds are telling us what to do and when to do it. Take Florida, for instance. What? The Supreme Court thinks that Flor-a-duh is too dumb to count votes by itself once they run out of fingers and toes?

Speaking of government, Big Government is not a conservative thing. Those liberals in the White House have hired more government employees than anybody in the history of this country. But instead of teaching our children and fixing our roads, the "New Bureaucrats" being hired are being hired to spy on US. That sucks eggs. I'm a conservative. I want to go back to the old days when there was no FBI and no CIA and no "Homeland" security rifling though my bank account and organizing a more powerful IRS and bringing in cocaine for our young -- treating us like WE were the enemy. Maybe the militia are right. Without justice, it's just us.

Why else am I a conservative? I wanna go back to the days when we actually honored the Constitution. This Patriot Act nonsense is driving me nuts.

The environment? Adam and Eve were instructed to tend the Garden of Edan. Me too! And no more government give-aways in our national forests. That's liberal talk.

To hell with those liberal Republicans. Maybe I should join John Birch. The American Independent Party just told my friend Sonya, "The war in Iraq is un-Constitutional, we should never have gone in and we need to get out fast!" And what about Palestine? "I don't know anything about that so I don't have an opinion." My God. An honest politician!

I'm sick and tired of liberals like Halliburton getting a free ride. I'm sick and tired of having the bleeding hearts in the White House yell "Terror" every time they want to give more of our money away. I'm sick and tired of schools that don't offer our children a classic education. Thomas Jefferson would be shocked. I'm proud to be a conservative. I like it when people have to be elected to live at the White House. Give me the good old days!