Your (Unreliable) Melbourne Cup Betting Guide 2016

By Daniel Colasimone - 31 Oct 2016

The Urban List’s Melbourne Cup form guide has become one of the great traditions on Cup day, like drinking champagne at 9 in the morning, messing up your fancy outfit by 11am and passionately making out with your best friend.

We have accurately picked the winner of the race for the last 39 years, and we plan to continue our amazing tipping streak. Please don’t google any of the previous editions.

As Australia readies itself for the 2016 race, we have narrowed the field down to the 10 horses that matter. If the pony ain’t on our list, don’t bother betting on it.

Here’s the inside word on the best horsies in the race.

Note: Odds are true at the time of publication.

Note II: All the information here is the result of a 72-hour peyote hallucination. Very little of it is factual, or even connected to reality in any way.

Big Orange (1) $16

Black Caviar went on record saying this horse could be the best in the world, if only he would apply his talent. Unfortunately, Big Orange really just wants to play in the NBA and doesn’t even really give a toss about horse racing. In fact, he’d prefer to play Pokemon Go (yes, still) than do training gallops. That being said, on his day he can beat anybody. If you remember last year, he led the race most of the way before getting distracted by a cardboard cutout of Jesinta Campbell and wandering off.

Bondi Beach (4) $9

Don’t get fooled by the name, Bondi Beach is as Irish as they come. Now nine months sober, he is a much improved horse after his 16th-place finish last year, having a picked up a couple of wins back in Ireland at Limerick and Navan. The biggest impediment to him winning would be if one of the other horses looks at him cock-eyed, because he will simply stop racing and beat the crap out of it. Absolute psycho.

Exospheric (5) $17

Trained by the Freedmans and piloted by Damian Oliver, Exospheric looks good on paper but is actually fairly rubbish. We’re not even sure why he’s been allowed to compete against all these fast horses – he once lost a footrace against rugby league player Semi Radradra (not official). Maybe being poker buddies with Big Orange is enough to get you a Cup run these days.

Hartnell (6) $5

The favourite for the race, and deservedly so following impressive trots at Flemington in the Turnbull Stakes and Caulfield Cup. Some claim Hartnell gets an unfair advantage due to the fact he’s allowed to wear rocket boosters, which the jockey fires up as they head into the home straight. We say everybody else is just jealous because they didn’t think of strapping rocket boosters to their horse.

Almoonqith (9) $19

Not deterred by an 18th-place finish last year, as most of us would be, American horse Almoonqith is back again for another go. Sure, why not? Interestingly, though his mother was a mare, Bohemian Lady, his father was actually a Great Dane (dog). This explains Almoonqith’s bizarre doggy ears and waggy tail (and slowness). Shoulda married a greyhound, Bohemian Lady.

Jameka (12) $8

We are praying Jameka doesn’t win the Cup just so we aren’t subjected to toe-curlingly bad headlines like ‘Jameka-n me crazy!’ Trust us, it WILL happen. That being said, she is the only Australian-bred horse in the race so not betting on her pretty much means you hate Australia. And just to make sure you get the point, she has a massive Southern Cross tatt on her back and celebrates every win with a Winnie Blue and a Milton Mango or five.

Heartbreak City (13) $16

Lovingly named in honour of the brilliant TV show Heartbreak High, this seven-year-old gelding will be ridden by the original Bogdan 'Draz' Drazic; dreamboat actor Callan Mulvey. Despite being piloted by a complete amateur who is very likely to fall off early in the race, we really like the cut of Heartbreak City’s jib. He’s won four of his last five starts over similarly long distances and could easily romp the Melbourne Cup by eight lengths.

Ding-a-ling – this is our tip. Bet the farm on him.

Oceanographer (20) $6.50

This horse wasn’t even a certainty to make the Cup until the weekend, when he won the Lexus Stakes, but now he has suddenly become one of the favourites. ‘What, he raced three days before the Melbourne Cup, how’s he gonna win the Melbourne Cup?’ I hear you say. Well, Oceanographer loves racing, lives for racing. He’s had 12 starts in the last three weeks alone. When there isn’t a race on, his trainers have to pretend to race him by lining him up against a bunch of emus or llamas and sending them off around an empty track. Actually, he should probably have a rest soon. Don’t be surprised if he falls asleep mid-race.

Secret Number (21) $35

There’s no secret here. His number is 21. Don’t get sucked into conspiracy theories.

Qewy (23) $21

This Geelong Cup-winning Godolphin-owned gelding has a great chance of a top-three finish on Tuesday, but many Australian punters will be put off by the fact he’s a massive Donald Trump supporter. He’ll donate all his prizemoney to the campaign if he wins and jockey Craig Williams will be wearing a Trump mask and silks emblazoned with the words ‘Crooked Hillary, so sad – lock her up’. But hey, if you’re happy to separate politics and sport, feel free to back the racist nutcase. Yee-haw.

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By Daniel Colasimone

You think darkness is your ally? Dan was born in it, moulded by it. He didn’t see the light until he was already a man. Raised on the mean streets of Bundaberg, he has ended up in Brisbane by way of Italy, South Korea, Argentina and a few other places. When not covering sportsy stuff for the ABC, he writes a fortnightly column for The Urban List on the world of man stuff. Twitter: @DanColasimone

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