It is good and right in this life to be rich and white and attractive. The whiter you become the richer you become. The richer you become the whiter your friends become. The whiter your friends become the more good and right life seems to feel. Anne Hathaway is a negro. You wouldn’t know it to look at her. But she has negro problems. She’s poor. She’s desperate. She gets killed in the street. One Day would like to approach racial violence without the scandal of a bi-racial romance. That is, what Anne Hathaway perceives to be romance. Therefore Anne Hathaway supplants the idea of the negro within her pasty animal body.

Jim Sturgess does not love Anne Hathaway. Sometimes with no other friends around he thinks he can tolerate her. But it is clear if there exists a thing called love he cannot produce it for her. It is mostly because Jim Sturgess cannot see himself with a black woman. It is not that he hates black women, which is what he says out loud in public. It is that he thinks it to himself quite loudly. Anne Hathaway knows it. The filmmakers knew it all along. The audience is unsure. They are divided. The film has divided the world people into two categories. But this is not a problem in the world already divided on so many things. Whiteness and blackness. Richness and also blackness. White people who make laws and black people who get arrested. Jim Sturgess’s lack of love is not the subject of One Day. The subject of One Day is pity. More specifically the capacity of one person to pity another person who is profoundly more privileged than they are.

Mostly it is the job of Anne Hathaway to produce pity. She is a champion. A factory of pity. While the physical drain, stress and degradation of her life is portrayed as humorous – it is an ostensible tragedy for Jim Sturgess to live wealthy, famous, well-connected, charismatic, and able to magnetize as much stanky toward his hang-low as a toilet seat. Apparently the strain of his hyper-Anglo life is too much for him. He takes to drinking a lot of top-shelf alcohol. He takes to sleeping with too many attractive women. He takes to thinking of himself as an artist who is not afforded the integrity he deserves. He takes to crying on stormy nights when Anne Hathaway out betraying his attention with her mediocre boyfriend.

Anne Hathaway has a need to prove her love to Jim Sturgess and the audience. It is because women are capricious and we cannot trust their attractions. It is only when she abandons a superior man that we are allowed to accept her sincerity of love for Jim Sturgess. We weren’t sure because black-people love is cheaper and less sincere than white-people love. It is Anne Hathaway’s ability to produce pity for Jim Sturgess’s white-people problems (i.e. problems that are produced by the white person and the white person’s perception of the world, though not the world itself) where her negro-love is raised to the level of white-people love. And at that moment she transforms from negro status back into a white woman.

No, Jim Sturgess does not love Anne Hathaway. Even after she dies. Some bridges cannot be crossed and are better left burned. But sometimes he wonders if he did love her so as to intensify the pity he feels for himself. The audience also lets themselves believe in his love so as to produce more pity for Jim Sturgess. And that is what makes us better people in the world – our willingness to pity a person in a privileged position. Perhaps we are all negroes in this life. But probably not. Probably only as far as Jim Sturgess is concerned. It is more likely we are all white. Otherwise we would have no desire to see One Day or read or write a review about it . . . $3

If you heart One Day:

Recommendations by Day Gun Sho
When Harry Met Sally
Before Sunrise
Four Weddings and a Funeral

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Somewhere illustrates how a movie star’s life can be just as dull as any regular asshole. Director Sofia Coppola has launched towards a downward trajectory of films that have become tedious to sit through. Somewhere had a promising trailer, but it was a trick! That Strokes song MADE the trailer, not a whole lot else to it. After my experience with Marie Antoinette, I was not looking forward to this one, but I thought I would give Coppola one last chance. And you blew it, Sofia. I’m done with you. Why? You are asking me why I don’t want to see anymore of your painfully awful movies? Because it is masturbatory nonsense you call art. I don’t find anything interesting about lingering on each moment of this man’s excrutiatingly normal life.

Perhaps if there was a storyline or character to follow, there might be some meaningful connection to the movie. But no, this movie lacked any kind of substance entirely. At least Marie Antoinette was visually pleasing with all colorful costumes and food, in addition to an equally enchanting soundtrack . Somewhere didn’t even have that going for it. Instead we get to see Stephen Dorff with plaster covering his head for a good 30 seconds with nothing else to entertain us but heaving breathing.

Elle Fanning succeeded to win the audience with her youthful charm. She did what she could with the role. I would like to see more of her. I don’t have anything to complain about Stephen Dorff’s performance, it wasn’t his fault that the writing was shit. If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve already gotten more than would you out of the movie… $3

If you heart Somewhere…

Recommendations from Yolkie:Marie Antoinette Sideways Lost in Translation

Say what?!! Hella seenya-ass citizens trying a be assassins? Damn Bruce Wilits you ain’t got no range son. Every movie I seen you in you some kind a assassin or cowboy cop. Fax is: Bruce Wilits just loves a be killing niggas off. All that fool knows how to do. Die Hard? Jackal? Nine Yards? And now this Red shit and Wilits still be choking niggas off. You old as hail Bruce – don’t you stop? Bruce, I think you just obsessed wif death yo. Six Senses. Unbreak Yoself. Pup Fiction. You sliced a nigga in haff in that one! You need a get yourself checked by a doctor or a priest or some shits. Or something son!! You need a look on the sunny-side up! Your Moonlighting days is over for truth.

Yo Red why is Morgan Freeman tha first to die? Cause he’s Black?!! You didn’t kill tha Russian and we hate Russians. You didn’t kill Retard Lennie from Mice or Men. Why is it no one else in tha gang got took out? And Morgan you ain’t even go out in a badass way dawg. No kind a blaze a glory or anythang. Just shot dead in some impostors coat. Like, damn . . .

So dis movie sore a boring ya’lls. You seen this shit been done before only wife younger, cooler cats. It’s basically James Bond meets Grumpy Old Men. Or Salt meets Tha Golden Girls. Or Tha Fif Element meets Shawshank Redemption. Except Morgan dies so it’s sadder. So maybe is more like Mr. Holland’s Opus meets In the Line a Fire. So yea dis movie sucks but damn Mary-Louise Parker you fit as hail!! What you want with old-ass, death-obsessed Bruce Wilits for? Prolly for him to get chubby he needs to get medicated as a mothafucker. Roll wit me girlfriend . . . $3

I have to say, I love a good fantasy fu clip. Even if the plot makes no sense, dialog is terrible, and characters are pretty unlikeable, there’s something about fantasy fu, maybe the magic, the suspension of disbelief, that inevitably draws me into it, unless the special effects are just completely terrible. Restless, fortunately, had great special effects and the cinematography, art direction, costumes, were splendid, just an incredibly explosive visual orgasm. It basically was your typical fantasy fu, with religious undertones of taoism and buddhism folded into the mix: light versus dark, good versus evil, rose petals versus….chains that shoot out of one’s back? and of course one warrior to protect them all.

So, it’s totally predictable, don’t go if you’re looking to be moved, experience some sort of life-changing event, or see a good movie, but go if you want to see pretty colors and pretty people, and cool special effects. Also some pretty cool fight scenes… this made me remember how I wanted to be in a kung-fu fantasy flick, and that dream has still not yet died….though I figure learning some martial arts might be handy.

Kim Tae Hee plays the same type of role I have seen her in other movies and she does a passable job here as the heavenly being.

That said, she looks very pretty in each scene. In fact, she looks a bit too young, since her husband looks close to 40. Hard to believe she’s actually 30 in real life since most of the movie she, looks 12. In conclusion, it’s a movie worth passing the time if you’re bored on a Sunday afternoon and have nothing else to watch, but worth for the special effects…$3

O Machete! Your trailer stole the show! I could barely think about Predators after seeing that. O Danny Trejo! You died so immediately in this one! Did you ask them to write you out so you could go film Machete? Smart move.

O Predators! Your director’s name is “Nimrod.” I’m sure you knew that. I don’t want to judge. I see an accent mark. It could be a perfectly legit name in other countries. But what was in your mind a year ago when you were signing all your faith and money over to a guy called “Nimrod?” Did that make you feel good? Feel like a good equal-opportunities employer now?

Nimrod aside, you are a better effort than the last brick in the Predator franchise (AVP). Though it is difficult to put a finger on why you were better. I think the race element has a lot to do with it. With a film as racially diverse as this (including two separate races of Predator) it becomes very pleasurable trying to predict the order of the slayings. Who next will be liquefied via lasers? The Russian? The Black guy? Who next will be impaled on a spear and paraded around? Who could predict the Mexican would be the first to go? Usually it’s the Asian. Though the film’s most popular Jew (played by Adrien Brody) makes it to the end – no surprises there.

I think your second most pleasurable element is your caricature of the convict. He really looks the part. I like that he wore his orange, prison jumpsuit to the jungle. I like that his weapon of choice is the shiv (not to mention he effectively uses said shiv to shank down a Predator). And I think his darkly comedic dialogue was easily the most skillfully written. Most skillfully? Well if not skill at least that written with the most flair. See convict saying (to paraphrase), “If I ever get ‘outta here I’m ‘gonna rape so many fine bitches.”

Has anyone else asked you about Laurence Fishburne? For instance how someone who has been scavenging on a treacherous, Predator game preserve remains so chunky? Sort of an inconsistency, don’t you think? Laurence – you have really let yourself go since Morpheus. Are you bulking up for something? Maybe to play Chubby Checker in a biopic? Chubby Checker – it’s just a name. Not actually that chubby. Are you and Val Kilmer teaming up to do a feature-length presentation of “The Biggest Loser?” Otherwise you baffle me.

Predators you are nothing new to cinema. But that doesn’t mean you won’t make someone a very nice video game someday . . . $3

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New Moon was hardly watchable and I almost didn’t get through it. I once heard Edward Cullen looked like he was jizzing in his pants every time he kissed Bella, I couldn’t get that out of my head. I don’t blame this person for instilling this image in my head. I blame Edward Cullen. The anguish and desperation of their love is completely unbelievable, therefore, those pained kisses are nothing short of ridiculousness. Look, I didn’t walk into this movie with any expectations, I didn’t expect a delivery of any decent romance. But still… will you marry me? That’s just about the worst ending I could have possibly imagined. And there are a lot of possibilities for terrible endings.

There are many reasons why New Moon is even more unbearable than Twilight. Bella proved to be more unlikeable, still blinking too much, and still undeserving of everyone’s love. Since she has no qualities to appreciate, except for some silly angst that might resemble mystery to some, it’s hard to understand the possibility for any meaningful connection to anyone else. Jacob’s transformation into a sullen boy with deep secrets is not only hard to believe, it’s just fucking repetitive. Didn’t we already have this conversation with Edward? What ELSE do you got? Even still, I feel sorry for him and Bella is a heartless wanker. I’m neither Team Jacob or Team Edward. I’d rather stick pencils in my ears…$3

If you heart New Moon:

Recommendations from Yolkie
Lost Boys
Notebook
The Craft
An American Werewolf in Paris
Edward Scissorhands
Harry Potter

Recommendations from DJ Cheata
Powder
City of Angels
Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans