Sunday, September 26, 2010

Today we went to Sunday School...we have not gone to Sunday School for quite a while as we have personal problems fitting into the group....Yes I say Personal problems for we understand it is not anyone except us......we are the outsiders we are different...since we don't have kids...

so we go today and what is the lesson on "Discrimination" OK so are we discriminated against or do we discriminate??? Maybe we put out lives in a mold and make ourselves different...Maybe we just wanted to have children so much we never got past it...Am I being Discriminated against or do I discriminate against Mothers??Last Night I sat by a friend...she has four children and a new grandbaby to which she never has seen you see her son lives in Colorado and she is caring for a Special needs child so her son cannot afford to come here nor can she afford to go there...so she was showing me pics of the grandbaby she has not seen,,,Look, listen the way I want others to look and listen to me...So when I went to bed I said a special prayer for her...

You see I don't blame people...heck if we had a while household full of teenagers and grandchildren I sure would NOT have time to get with others...so Maybe it is ourselves...or because I see my womanhood in jepordy...One thing I have learned from dealing with the parents is there is NO perfect situation...My Dad was not happy...he fell alot and had to do what we told him to do and he was not happy (but he did teach me ice cream healed every hurt), Mom was not happy...yes she was a mother so motherhood must not be the answer...Mom lost a child at birth and Mom had TB two things she never got over...Mom always thought no one loved her...and Mom was upset alot (I think alot of it at the end had to do with her Alz) and my aunt was not happy...I have found poems she wrote about her unhappiness when her son took her grandchildren away from her...and her I think alot of times Motherhood is the answer to my unhappiness...If I only had children I would fit in and I would be happy and I would not feel discriminated against...I sit here in tears...because I don't want to be discriminated against nor do I want to discriminate...So where do you find happiness??? Will I live the rest of my entire life unhappy because I am not a mother?? If I let it ruin my life it will...If I don't get a grip on it then it will be there forever...so starting today I will read one scripture verse a day...so strive for happiness that I don't feel right now...Yes I know I am not perfect and yes I don't read the Bible like I should...heck I even downloaded a Bible app thinking it would help me to get into the Bible more...so I have Gods word at my desk, in my home and even on my phone and I cannot read just one verse a day...no wonder I am so unhappy!!!I just recently heard on the radio a story of a man that was complaining about all his problems and his friend said he would take him someplace where there was not problems...so he took him to the cemetary...You see no one there has problems because they are all dead...everyone has problems and happiness is a choice...so choose happiness...Remember starting today one verse a day I choose Happiness!!!

Friday, September 24, 2010

What a morbid subject......yet I sit here trying not to cry....you see for the third time in two years we have a family member near death...ready for them to go...First there was my Dad...so poor and pathetic he looked of death the last year of his life...He went from the Dad could fix anything to the Dad that depended on me to fix him...to pull up his diapers...to help him use the urnal (sorry to become so personal) however I have had to domore than what any daughter would think of doing...Why?? because I loved my Dad...I hated to see him that way...I tried to keep him at our house for a year...he got better but each time he was on skilled in the nursing home I cried...then he had to go into the nursing home for good I cried and cried and cried...I took the dogs to visit...I took Mom to visit...I did what I could until he got so weak I could not take him out...then early one morning while on a camping trip...I got the call I had dreaded for three years...Dad is gone...what do you want to do??? I immediately had to make decisions...call the family...we packed up camp and I made calls from the time we began tearing down camp until the time we got to the city...I immediately got Mom from her apartment and brought her over to the house for the next week...we cried together...we laughed together and my precious aunt spent the night...and left candy in the floor in her suitcase to where poor Babe got ahold of it and was rushed to the ER Vet where he had to have a shot...I helped Mom for the next year or so...I listened to her tears, depression, crying out...I again could take her to spend the night with us...I took the dogs to see her...I took her to church...I would take her shopping (my shopping buddy)...then I had to move her into Assisted living...it broke my heart to see how unhappy she was...but I knew it was for her health...then she began crying out when I left "Please don't leave me" when I left I left in tears!!! How I hated seeing her like that...then I got another call...She was unresponsive...ER was there..I rushed to her side...I was there for her...unlike Dad going without family around I was by her side...rubbing her hands...soothing her hair...within the hour she was gone...OHHHH If I only knew she would only last 4 month in the Assisted living facility I would have moved her in with us and kept her from anguish....If I only knew...I have learned to live with guilt and try to forgive myself for what I did not do that I could have done...

I think dealing with Mom so much after Dads death I did not completely grieve for Dad until after Mom was gone....then I grieved for them both...I broke down at Kohls and called a friend of mine who assured me I was normal and was only grieving...MY childless state became a focus...I felt so all alone...NO kids...NO family...I was mad at God for not giving me the desires I so truely wanted and deserved...

Then my Aunt became sick...I took the dogs to her apartment to see her...she loved them too...then one evening she called me wanting to go to a nursing home...I told her we would go to the hospital first...So we did and from there she was admitted into a nursing home...It was like living the nightmare of my parents all over again...I tried to forget but when the nursing home called I would cringe...(I can remember those words Your Dad has fallen...he is OK but bruised) but they are now calling on my aunt...finally all the stuff I was doing for her became too much...all the beaurotic mess getting her on Medicaid...the nursinghome called and I almost had a mental breakdown...I cried for three days...Why is this happening??? Why am I responsible??I called a friend who talked to me...she assured me it is because I care...she assured me it is OK to say NO and to quit...So I tried to...I got my Drs statement...and said I Quit...but evidently as POA you cannot resign...my aunt was admitted into the hospital yesterday...I got the phone call this morning...as her POA what do I want for her...oxygen??? Life support??? Feeding Tubes??? NO...NO...NOI have been through all this twice before I not only knew the answers but I also knew the questions...this time it is not as fast...I saw my aunt today...she is unresponsive...I stroked her tender hair...OH how she looks like my Mom (you can tell they are sisters) I will get the phone call in a few hours or a few days...she will be gone also...Three lives...all different...three deaths...all different...all affecting me the way I am...the way I care...all causing me to question God...all causing me to trust in God...all causing me to cry...My Dad...my Mom and My Aunt...

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

As I get ready to atten the Oklahoma State Fair I look back and the times my dad would take off Annual leave from Tinker Air Force base and work at the fair for extra money...We would leave before daylight packing a lunch...and I would get in free with him...I would sit in the Hobbies building and Dad would drink coffee and give me hot chocolate...

He would go to work as a guard or parking cars and I would get to roam free (I was 14 but back then you didn't have to worry much about it) and without cell phones I had to check in with dad occasionally to let him know I was still there...

We would then meet for lunch and eat together...Dad telling me all his WWII stories and about his childhood and then again I got to go on my own after lunch...I found out the first year NOT to spend $14 by pulling strings for a stuffed annimal that they probably paid $5 for..

Then dad would get off work around 4 or 5 and we would ride the Monorail or Space Tower for free...then we would get back in the car and head back for home...Life was good...dad was good and OHHHHHH how I miss him now...I will go to the Fair today and I will think of Dad as I see the little man parking cars and I will eat me a corn dog for Dad after all some traditions never die out!!!

Ever wonder if God really knows best?? Yes that is easy in small areas of your life but how about the BIG ones...I never was good at being left out of anything...and now what?? I am left out of life and woman hood by not having my hearts desire...a child we both longed for and tried for...

I wonder if I will ever be satisified...as I see couples have babies, then they grow into toddlers and grade school and they get to attend school programs, funcations and events and Jr High which leads to ball games and plays and more programs and High School and they attend graduations and dances and they see them date and go off to college and then they get married and the family expands into in laws and grand children and here we sit...and sit...and sit just watching the movements all around us...never participating never becoming a part of it just listening to them tell us..."Of it shouldn't bother you it is not all fun" Ya think!! Nothing in life is all fun....but at least you can partiicpate and not just be a spectator!!

I think it is during these times I really Miss my Mom and Dad they were my life...they kept me going I often would think WHY did they live so long...well now I know it was NOT for them but for ME!!! So I would have something or someone to keep me going...and yes they did...

As my husband and I have recently said we would like to meet just one couple that is like us that had yearned for children and tried ever avenue but it never happened...we would like to meet just ONE other couple so we can relate and not just look on...

Thursday, September 2, 2010

OK I feel like I am ready for a Mental breakdown...How much can ONE person take by themselves??First I had to care for my Dad who had Parkinsons and Dementia (would do it again in a heartbeat!!) then he passed in Oct 2008then immediately cared for my Mom who had Alzheimers and Arthritis (again would do it again in a heartbeat!!) She passed in Dec 2009Well now I have my Aunt...it seems her grandchildren think because I am her POA I am solelyresponsible and that I need to do it all....I am at my wits end...I did not ask for this and do not deserve this....Does God not care what I am going through???It makes me question everything!!!I cannot handle everything and God knows this...when they quote the scripture that God does not give us more than we can handle I wonder is it true???Her granddaughter uses the excuse that she does not drive!!! Hello Taxi cabs!!! Buses!!! Children and neighbors that have cars!! If you want to help you will...When will I have a fullfillment in life??When will life change for me???Why does all this have to happen???How do you go on when you feel like you are at your breaking point?? I am in tears constantly...and have no peace in my life!!! I stopped by the cemetary yesterday and talked to Mom and Dad...Don't know if you are suppose to talk to the dead however I did!! and I told Mom to help me somehow even if she has to talk to God...

Welcome

I try to have a positive attitude no matter what happens and I enjoy life.. I enjoy my job and I enjoy meeting friends both old and new...

I have friends I grew up with and friends I cross-stitch with, friends I crochet with, friends I attend church with and friends I work with oh yes and My Weight Watcher friends and my camping friends...

as you can see I have many activities and am pretty well active and into alot of activities...

I have a three wheeled bicycle and I love riding my bike for exercize I have my Chihuahua "Babe" in the front with me and my Silky Terrier "Peanut" in the back basket...I have met alot of friends in my neighborhood this way..
I also walk the dogs (in good weather) we live in a nice neighborhood and I have alot of nice friends here too.

Most important I am a Christian and try to put God first in my life and am thankful that I grew up in church.