Offbeat 'It's A Dance Riot'

During the "mayhem" in London over the last few days several minor stories have slipped through the cracks left by people prying open security shutters on branches of Lidl. We, here in TheLab™, dug deep to find you the stories the dance world probably wishes you will never read!

Riot Audition

Nigel Lythgoe has announced that he has optioned a new pilot for BBC Television entitled "So You Think You Can Riot". The former Muppet choreographer told the Evening Standard that the show would be built on the foundation of "So You Think You Can Dance", only this new show would, presumably, be classier.

Participants will be invited to televised auditions where they will have to demonstrate their creative ability to wear a "hoodie", steal things they don't need and scream like little kids when they get bitten by a police dog.

When asked about his experience to run such a show and judge the participants respective rioting skills Mr Lythgoe responded; "Well, I don't know anything about dance either and look how that turned out, don't tell anybody though huh! Nudge, nudge, wink wink!"

The eventual winner of the series will receive medical treatment for the dog bites and a 12 month prison sentence.

Not to be outdone the Evening Standard is also reporting that Alistair Spalding, Chief Bottle Washer and shameless opportunist from Sadler's Wells Theatre, is launching a new version of the "Global Dance Competition".

When the Standard's reporter pointed out that those videos were just people rioting in general Mr Spalding referred all further questions to the London theatre's five press officers, all dressed in riot gear.

The eventual winner, selected by a team of actual judges from the High Court, will have the opportunity to riot inside Sadler's Wells for half an hour followed by an 18 month prison sentence where they will share a cell with the police dog from SYTYCR.

Antonio Poppano, the genetically substantial, chief piano player from the Royal Opera House, has announced his plans to write a new opera called "Una Rivolta da Ricordare" (A Riot To Remember) reports the Evening Standard (a paper that seems to be suspiciously full of arts related riot news).

The opera will feature leading stars from the opera world whom we are unable to name because we don't know anything about opera.

"Una Rivolta da Ricordare" will mimic the classic Deborah Kerr, Cary Grant movie but instead of people with actual talent meeting on top of the Empire State Building where romance ensues, two "hoodies" will meet atop a burning Currys.digital to take cell phone pictures of themselves handling stolen goods and posting those images to Twitter before being swiftly sent to prison for being stupid, or something.

Mr Poppano stated he has a strong desire to orchestrate some Eminem for the work or maybe he just wanted some M&Ms. The reporter couldn't be sure because he was eating a jumbo bucket of chicken wings at the time (Poppano that is, not the reporter, who's a vegan we understand).

Jeremy Hunt, currently in charge of the Department for Culture Media and Sport, has launched a scathing attack, via the Evening Standard, on dance companies across London for their "abject failure" in counter-acting the violence of the last few days.

"What the hell are we funding all their education projects for when it is patently, i say PATENTLY, obvious that they have failed to socially re-engineer an entire city with all the money we give them?"

The Culture Secretary's vitriolic attack was accompanied by a stinging editorial from Daily Mail journalist (cough, Ed!) Quentin Letts. The editorial appeared to be constructed entirely from swear words. The writing was so breathless, animated and dripping with venom and hatred copies of the paper were delivered to readers (cough, Ed!) on fire.

In response to the attack a spokesperson for all dance companies was unable to comment because she was lying on the floor laughing so hard.

ACE denied it was responding to the DCMS attack by setting up a "Jack Bauer Fund" named for the notorious central character of the '24' television show.

Several dance companies have declined to answer questions about just where they obtained lots of shiny new sound and lighting gear for their up an coming tours.

The Evening Standard (again? Ed!) is reporting that some looters during the recent riots in London, were moving with "a level of grace, deportment and skill not normally associated with the average chav".

Witnesses reported feeling a sudden urge to applaud as the alleged footpads moved away from the looted premises. At some looted stores there were reports of "after looting discussions" taking place followed by intense debate about "what it all meant".

Suspicions were aroused when video footage emerged of several looters who appeared to be "stealing, interpreted through the medium of dance" at several stores in the capital. Swathing funding cuts have forced to dance companies to take ever more extreme measures to secure their production and touring future.

The Big Dance organisation has come under suspicion after it was claimed by several sources that the widespread rioting in London was all part of a dance participation project.

ACE and the DCMS told the Evening Standard that they were investigating several aspects of the project revealed in the Big Dance evaluation forms. A spokesperson for the funding monolith told the paper that they are very uneasy about some of the preparation classes and workshops that Big Dance had been organising.