Archive for September, 2005

My day was good until after work. Waking up was fine. No desperation for a cigarette. It was like at least 66% better than yesterday morning so I am feeling really really optimistic about succeeding. My co-worker was so proud of me when I told her today. She quit smoking a year ago and totally got me pumped about being a true quitter. I am afraid that I’m going to be fine for like a week then I’ll have a relapse and begin chasing people around with knives. She said that wouldn’t happen so I am going to believe her. As we were discussing it my boss came upon us and I found out she used to be a smoker too but quit for some reason. I guess there are many good reasons for quitting but she told me she couldn’t sleep and had night shakes …. hmm that was comforting.

Anyways this day was absolutely great until after work when I went to the hair salon and Kelly cut my hair. Kelly was dumb. Kelly cut my hair the OPPOSITE of how I told her to. The front was supposed to be longer like it already was but she cut my front shorter than my back! I like my hair short in the back and longer in the front because it gives me the illusion that my hair is actually longer than it is but I don’t have to like maintain it as much. Ughh ….. if I start going psychotic on people she’s the first person on my hit list. Now I just look plain and dumb like I always do. I loved my last hair cut. Screw you dumb hair-ruining retard. I paid a lot of money too since the cheap places seriously hire trashy freaks with hairstyles uglier than sin, hand them a pair of scissors, and tell them to start cutting whatever they want. I still have chickenpox on my face. I suppose its stress. I haven’t broken out this bad ever. It’s like frustrating me that my hair sucks and my face looks like pepperoni pizza … ok I’m being stupid but at least I don’t have a cold sore, knock on a tree cause then I might as well just put a bag over my head with slits for my eyes and mouth. I’m starving. I ordered Chinese food for delivery and from a new place so I’ll be sure to be posting my review on Eatitandloveit ….. thats about it. I’m going to vacate the computer for a while and watch some good TV.

So I’m just sitting here at my computer where I quite often indulge in a half a pack of cigarettes a day. So what else can I do? Drink beer … gnaw on celery sticks? Chew on pens? Hmm …. I was cleaning out my purse earlier when I was on the phone with someone and decided it was time to clean out the tobacco remnants sitting along the bottom of my purse. Every time I go to the store by my house and buy a pack of cigarettes I get a free lighter. This is what I find when I don’t clean my purse out for a month:

That is what was in my purse. Who in the world has 17 lighters in their purse at any given time? That would be me. And there are more. I have lighters everywhere. I decided if nobody claims them I’m putting them in a bag and taking them back to the friendly Indian man at the convenience store tomorrow. He may get a laugh out of it. He’s also going to have to get used to not already having my cigarettes and complimentary lighter on the counter for me already when I go to check out after filling up on his freshly made coffee … and my new favorite food, Samosas. He makes them homemade and brings them into the store everyday. They are tasty. I have to resist though. I really don’t want to put on the 10-20 pounds that quitters tend to do. Anyways, if you want my lighters you better claim them soon or I’m just going to pay for my coffee for the next few months by trading in lighters. 😛

Bear with me. I’ll probably update 96 times a day for the next few weeks until I get this quitting thing licked.

So I went out to Mad Mex tonight with Jaime and then we decided to go to the Gap. Jaime wanted a tank top. I walked in and decided I liked the outfit the mannequin was wearing so I just tried it all on. Of course I didn’t look remotely as hot as the headless perfect bodied mannequin but I decided I had to buy the outfit. So $100 later …. here I am, with one single outfit. This is why I don’t shop and why I never have any nice clothes. I almost bought the purse which really completed the outfit but it was $50 and was way too big. So I guess I’ll have to improvise the outfit a bit with one of my other old ugly purses. Really though, that purse just completed the look. I don’t think I should go shopping again any time soon. I’m turning into a girl. Ughh. Anyways, I didn’t smoke today. Hoorah. I think I’m going to have to start a progress blog or something. Quitting is hard but I’m a quitter 😛 I wish Friday would come sooner …. I want my Pina Colada.

Deep breaths ….. altoids, something cold to drink. I think coffee is aggravting me to the point that not smoking with coffee is going to make me kill someone. This patch is making my arm hurt now. My legs hurt when I walked up the steps today. I’m slower than usual. I’m going crazy. Waking up this morning was brutal because I thought this patch was just going to replace that gnawing feeling in my stomach. I was very wrong. I think I was overly optimistic about this patch …. thinking it was just going to take away the craving and I would hold pens in my hand and pretend to smoke them. So its going to be rough today. Back to work, which will take my mind off of it. Then I’m going out to dinner with Jaime so that is about another hour I can focus my attention on something else. I need something to do from about 8 p.m. – 12 a.m. so you all better start volunteering to fill up my open time slots. 😛

Today (September 27) was my official quit smoking day. So far its been ok. I’m not going cold turkey because I’ve concluded that it will just not work. So I’m here with my patch that is itching the hell out of my arm. I don’t even have time to worry about needing a smoke because my itching arm has me quite preoccupied. I also told someone that if I smoked I would stab myself as punishment. Support people, I’m going to need it. Brian is buying me a Pina Colada on Friday so I’ve got motivation up until then! And if you have any good tips, please share! And for now I’m just going to try to maintain sanity and not murder anyone. I’m the little engine that could. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can ….. choo choo! Goodnight all. I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes.

This is a free country. This is MY website. And I can write about whatever and whomever I want and I’m not going to get arrested or go to jail. I don’t really care if I’m upsetting anyone. Don’t read it. Don’t come to my website three times a day and check for updates but ignore me for weeks. Find something else to do. I’m not that great anyways apparently.

So here it is. I know I’ve been vague about what has been going on in my personal life lately. I’ve done so because I know I will just get bitched out for it but I’m not really worried anymore. I’ve given up hope. I’ve been wronged, cheated, disrespected, lied to, and most of all extremely hurt. I cry for hours at night sometimes. Sometimes I think I’ll choke on my tears and die. I have gone through three pairs of contacts in the last few weeks. I think my face is permanently blotchy and red. I’ve fucked up at work. I’ve sat for hours on end just staring at the wall because I just don’t want to feel anymore.

And fine, this might be my side of the story – but I guarantee that I’m not exaggerating it or twisting anything out of proportion. I just can’t for the life of me grasp how someone who is so generous and caring can be so fucking selfish at the same time. I thought there were so many perfect things about Todd for the 3+ years that we had been together, but I slowly began to realize that we really had no future together because he just cuts me out of certain parts of his life. He has two best friends. I met one of them once, the other … never met. If he’s on the phone with a family member, like his perfect mom … well I get shushed because God forbid she knew I was with him. He claims this not to be true and that people know about me but I don’t believe it. I pick up on these things. Why is it that if I’m in the car with him and his mom calls, he is suddenly not on his way to my house, or he is just heading to Wal-Mart by himself. Why was I never even acknowledged? If he goes home for a few days, he can only call me after his parents go to bed or if he is driving around somewhere. Claims there is bad reception at his house, but still …. its all just a bit much to believe. And on all of his trips home for the day, I haven’t been asked to go along in nearly two years. Anyways, I guess I’m only good enough for him and his bed.

Last October – almost exactly one year ago we got into a huge fight and he called me a “stupid fucking moron” and I proceeded to lock myself in my bathroom and not come out. He had never spoken to me that way before and he was shouting ultimatums like “come out right now or we are over”. I didn’t come out of the bathroom and he left. We hardly spoke for an entire month or the next month. Then around mid November, things seemed back to normal except that he wouldn’t acknowledge me as his girlfriend, not even when the little girl next door asked him if I was his girlfriend. He wouldn’t say he loved me either.

Nothing had really changed until I was browsing around MySpace one day in July and found him on there. He was pushing himself as a single guy just looking for a down to earth cool girl. Fuck that. So after he convinced me that he was only seeing if there was anyone cool in his area, I let it go. I mean I know a lot of people have MySpace accounts, but he was saying he was single and there for everything from friends to serious relationships. Plus, I met him on a singles site. So what the fuck was I supposed to think? Then one day last month, this girl Kelly left a comment on his blog entry that said “I really hope you come over tonight and see my new furniture”. I had never heard of Kelly. There were a few things I could assume from that sentence. One, he had been there before and it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for him to stop over that night. Or two, he had already mentioned he might stop over that night. You don’t just say that you hope someone comes over “tonight” if you had never met before or didn’t have plans to meet soon. Anyways, I confronted him about it and he said that he had gone over there once. I asked why he lied to me, since I talked to him every single night of my life and he never mentioned it. I think that going to some girls apartment that was a new potential friend would be something you would mention to your significant other in your life. First he said that he didn’t need to tell me every single detail of his life. Then he said he was wrong and was sorry he lied, but that he knew I’d get upset because I obviously have a problem with him hanging out with girls because one day like two years ago I got jealous of this female friend of his.

Anyways, tons of fights came out of this. I concluded that if he was willing to risk lying to me to go see this girl, then she was obviously worth the risk to him. Or I just didn’t matter that much. This is the point where I really began to feel disrespected and cheated. I asked him if he was going to hang out with her again, and he said he might. I said that her existence was obviously a sore spot for me now, and of course I would feel uneasy about him hanging out with some girl that he had to keep from me. And I know for a fact that he went over there portraying himself as “good ol’ single nice guy” and I was NEVER mentioned. I mean, I’m not mentioned to his real friends, why would I be to his potential friends.

So we had all of these in-depth fights which led to him telling me that a serious relationship wasn’t his priority right now because his degree and his house were more important and he’s going places or something. And he said that he was trying to work things out with me, but wasn’t sure if i was “better” yet and back to being the girl that he used to love. Basically saying I’m not good enough for his love or the status of being his girlfriend, oh yeah …. and I’m diseased too or something. Sorry, I am who I am. Nobody is perfect, everyone has a bad day, and everyone goes through rough periods in their lives. For me, 2003 was a really bad year …. and apparently I still haven’t proven myself to be worthy of him again. Whatever. Fuck You. I’m an honest, caring, extremely loving and dependable person. I can do better. I’ll find someone who can love me for who I am, and not judged by their past or the potential of who they could become.

I’m a fucking human being and I deserve to be treated like one, not like some three year experiment that you will just throw aside when some pimple faced girl (according to Todd) comes along craving Cadbury Eggs that you can’t find so you compensate with donuts or other cute presents along with cutesy away messages about milkshakes and other bullshit. And now he’s taking her to his formal, which I offered to go with him to last year and I was turned down because it was just “some stupid thing you have to do for your fraternity” and I wouldn’t have any fun. And what hurts even more is that all I want is the truth and when I ask for it, I’m still denied an answer. Do you like her? Do you want her to be your girlfriend? How often do you hang out? Don’t I deserve an answer, some closure? For a guy who preached that he would never cheat on a girl, that he had such great morals and respected women …. well obviously the relationship with me was an exception to those rules. And I feel completely disrespected and cheated and I know that its officially over. I have to write this down, I have to. I have to tell myself that I can do better, I know I can. My mom, my dad, my grandma, my friends, my co-workers …. everyone tells me I can do better and I sure as hell didn’t spew off this whole tangent to them. It really is simple. If you are in a relationship, you tell that person how you feel. You are honest. You don’t hang out with other women behind your partner’s back. You just don’t. But according to Todd, I’m irrational for being angry and hurt. Everything I say is irrational and stupid. So Todd, you aren’t worth it. You’re not. Cheers to Todd and Kelly or anyone other girl, good luck .. have fun, maybe you’ll be worthy of him … it’s not an easy thing to accomplish. I mean I tried for three years and trust me, he’s not all that anyways. I can do better and I will. I want to be loved. I want to meet someone who will love me unconditionally and not be ashamed to call me his girlfriend … I’m tired of loving more than I’m loved back. I’m tired of having my heart broken. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of not being good enough. I’m just tired of feeling tired and hopeless. I know I can be happy with someone, someone who will love me for everything I am and everything I have to offer. And I know you’re out there somewhere.

** Please excuse the profanity and bad grammar … this was an official rant and little effort was put forth to make sense or be tactful **

I don’t really have anything to write about and I’ve got nothing I want to do, even though I need to buy some new shoes for work, I need a hair cut sometime this week, I need to buy food, I need to buy more beer, and I need to wash my popcorn bowl and clean the hair off my bathroom floor again …. but I don’t want to do any of that. Here is another survey. Perhaps this is not so creative, but its something to read and something for me to do, so read it.
LAST PERSON WHO… x. Slept in your bed:me, months agox. Saw you cry:A stupid jerkx. Made you cry:see abovex. Spent the night at your house:see abovex. You shared a drink with:Julie and Natex. You went to the movies with:Can’t remember, probably stupid jerkx. You went to the mall with:myselfx. Yelled at you:stupid jerkx. Told you they loved you:my mom, yesterday

HAVE YOU EVER… x. Gotten in a fight with your pet: No wayx. Been to New York:Through several times, never really stopped there.x. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day:not latelyx. Had an imaginary friend:no

RANDOM x. Red or blue:Redx. Spring or Fall:Fallx. Are you bored:YESx. Last noise you heard: Helicopterx. Last time you went out of the country:um … like 2001x. Things you like in a the opposite sex: Guys can usually make me laughx. Do you have a crush on someone:nox. What book are you reading now:not reading anythingx. Worst feeling in the world:not knowing, then knowing and not wanting it to be truex. What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning:Was it a dream? Think …. shit no, this is my lifex. How many rings before you answer:two usuallyx. Future daughter’s name:maybe Leah … I don’t think its all my choice unless I’m a single momx. Future son’s name:Brian, Brandon …. something spelled normalx. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal:Glow-worm sometimesx. If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be:An internet spy, background checker, exploiterx.Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous: Lefty … except for cutting with scissors, then I’m a rightyx. Do you type with your fingers on the right keys:yesx. What’s under your bed: nada, my bed is on the floor and I have no frame, oh and its sinking in the middlex. Favorite sport to watch:Hmm …. I guess hockey. I can’t really even “sort of” get into anything else unless the Steelers are doing goodx. Siblings:Younger brother, 19x. Location:Pittsburghx. College plans:I have my bachelor’s and that is good enough for me right nowx. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: no

EXTRA STUFF x. Do you do drugs:nox. Do you drink:yesx. Who is your best friend: I don’t have one anymorex. What are you most scared of: Death, being alone forever, weddingsx. What clothes do you sleep in:a t-shirt and pajama pants or sweatsx. Who is the last person who called you: my momx. Where do you want to get married: Justice of the Peace …. or somewhere quick and easy, I don’t want a wedding or the fuss and I have no religion, so not a churchx. Favorite number(s):Don’t have anyx. What type of automobile do you drive:Don’t have an automobilex. Are you timely or always late:I’m usually right on time, I REFUSE to be late, it drives me nuts … but I’m not the first one therex. Do you have a job:YESx. Do you like being around people:Sometimesx. Best feeling in the world:When someone says “I love you” and gives me a great big hug and kiss and really means itx. Are you a health freak:no, but I don’t eat lard

STUFF x. Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: I don’t think sox. Want someone you don’t have right now: surex. Are you lonely right now: yepx. Ever afraid you’ll never get married: yepx. Do you want to get married: yepx. Do you want kids: eventually

I’ve decided to tell everyone I have chicken pox on my face. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me but I had some massive breakout over the weekend. Guess my body thinks I’m going through puberty. Its bothering me. I want it to go away. GO AWAY. How am I supposed to look sexy when I go out on dates with cute boys if I have pimples all over my face? Why is this happening to me? Seriously, I think I’d rather have hemmorhoids on my butt. At least I can cover that up. I don’t know if I spelled that right but I do have some hemmorhoid cream in my bathroom. I bought it cause its supposed to make the bags under your eyes go away. But it doesn’t work when the bags under your eyes are not only discolored, but actual indentations in your face. I was thinking about buying some clay to fill in the holes under my eyes. Definitely not feeling pretty today. Don’t believe me? I just scrubbed my face and now I’m a blotch head. I just took a picture. And if you can see them in this low quality blurred web-cam shot, you can bet that I definitely look like pimple monster under the bright fluoroscent lights that seem to be everywhere I go. I can’t stand looking at myself right now. Yeah, I’m so vain. What ya gonna do about it? I mean, who really wants red pimples all over their face? But I guarantee there aren’t any on my ass, so you can touch it if you want.

I’m extremely tired today. I slept a lot so I guess its the gloomy weather. I’m thinking about posting some things to my livejournal again … maybe make it friends only and we can leave each other secret messages, ha just kidding. I don’t know. I guess Coffeebration will be moving soon. If I decide to do any of this, it’ll be in my IM info. If you read this and want to be updated with my new url …. send me an email nellie at coffeebration dot com.

But its back to work for now. Perhaps I need some more coffee. Or maybe I should just call it a day, leave work and go get drunk somewhere. Thinking about getting a six pack of something after work …. I’m afraid to go to the sewage factory (aka Korean place on corner of Oakland and Forbes) but its the only place I know that sells cheap six-packs. Blah. I’m craving some of that Hazed and Confused. Julie, you are converting me. Damn you, I was so proud of my taste for cheap yellow beer.