Dear Universe, You can suck it. Love, Kelly

I don’t remember getting an email notification that the Universe started following my blog. But that is the only possible explanation. Because it happens without fail. I say it out loud, that everything is peachy, and then Blamm-o I get knocked on my ass. I wrote last night that all was well. The girls were sick but on the mend. I had felt crummy briefly but I was on the up and up. And then I went to bed.

I was in tears about fifteen minutes after I woke up. Nothing and everything was bothering me. The long and short of it – I have been slacking on the exercise this month and it makes me mental. I need it. On top of that Lucy is nearly a year old and I might be ready for a night out. And by ready I mean I will likely cry and come home early and worry and obsess and call home a hundred times but if I don’t go soon it could get even uglier. Oh, and I am so tired, so very tired. Now you are all caught up.

The Universe saw me send up the “Life is Super, thanks for asking!” flare and so it kicked me in the stomach as soon as I woke up. In my bed with swollen eyes I said “No, I don’t want coffee, I just need ten minutes to myself.” I flopped back in my bed for a bit and then I hopped in the shower to shake it off.

Shower. Clean clothes. Polka dot knee socks and boots. Eyeliner and lipgloss that tastes like peppermint bark. I was calm and cool. I was approaching collected. But only approaching. We would take two cars to church. I wasn’t ready to go exactly and the pressure of everyone waiting on me was too much. “Just go, I will meet you there.” I might have yelled. I don’t remember. I know I was angsty by the time I got in the car.

And, well, by the time I was calling AAA to get my car out of the ditch (the ditch I have not backed my car in to since January 4th, 2012, thankyouverymuch) I was beyond angsty and full blown crying again.

Fuck it, Universe. You win.

I gave up. I took a pillow from the bed and made a spot on the couch. Lucy and I were going down for the count. I needed a nap. Not an in the chair cat nap and not a full blown fake sick and stay in the bedroom nap, but a bed pillow on the couch nap.

I am afraid to say that my nap fixed everything. But things have started to turn around.

MQD made a pile of things for the thrift store. It was in the corner of our bedroom. (Since this girl’s husband was very tolerant of her big, fat whiney freakout this morning I will not make any comment about how long it might have stayed there had I not put it in a bag.) When the chips are down I clean. I put the duvet cover in the washing machine and stripped the sheets. When you sleep with a dog and a baby a totally clean bed deserves a totally clean bedroom so you can slip between your cold sheets and feel like you are in a hotel once a week. So, the sheets were nearly done, I had to get rid of the pile of stuff.

In the pile was a pair of Levi’s. I don’t know why I dropped my pajama pants to the floor. But I did. And on they went. “Good butt or bad butt,” I asked. MQD deferred to Emily. Em said she liked them. So did MQD. “They are yours,” I said.

“Mine? They are too small. We used to be the same size,” he said.

Well, not really. I used to pour myself in to his pants. It was a squeeze. My 25-year-old boyfriend was a lot smaller than me but I tried not to let it bother me. How could it? I was 33 and I had a 25-year-old boyfriend.

Just when I though that the Universe hated me it threw me a bone. A bone in the form of a pair of Levi’s.

Universe, you tried to fuck with me today but it seems like you changed your mind. The good news is that my ass might have been bigger than my 25-year-old boyfriend’s but it is smaller than my 29-year-old husband’s. So, take that, Universe.

I just parked my ass in my chair with a big, fat glass of pinot noir. I snapped a quick picture but it didn’t really show my feeling of ahhh. So, I took another one. Universe, I am going to drink a glass of wine and go to bed. And when I wake up in my clean sheets there will still be vacuum marks on my rug. And as long as I can still button my husband’s jeans I will not be in tears before breakfast. Nope. I sure won’t.

Tomorrow is the last day of 2012. I was awake more this calendar year than any other. 2012, I put my car in the ditch four days in. And I put my car in the ditch again just two days before you were over. But all in all, when I wasn’t in the ditch, it was unfuckingbelievable.

I’m totally jealous of your ass in those jeans. Some days you’ve just gotta say to hell with it & pile up on the sofa. I’m also a stress cleaner. My house never looks better than when I’m stressed out or pissed off. Lol!! <3