A Jewish man went to the races for the first time. Not knowing a thing about horse racing, he went to the paddock to take a look.
He saw a rabbi blessing one of the horses. He wrote down the number and placed a $2 bet. Sure enough, the horse won, and the man won $20.
He went down to the paddock again, and again the rabbi was blessing another horse. He wrote down the number, bet his $20, and again, the horse won, earning $100.
This went on, race after race, until the Jewish man had won $5000.
Just before the last race, he watched the rabbi bless another horse. He bet the whole $5000, but this time the horse came in dead last.
He ran down and yelled to the rabbi, "Why did every horse you bless win, except the last one? He came in dead last!!! "
The rabbi replied, "That's the problem with you Reform Jews .. you don't know the difference between a brucha and kaddish."

understanding the jewish holidays

For those of you who have been searching for a
greater understanding of Jewish holidays major and minor, I think you will
find the explanation below most enlightening...

As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided
between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat.
Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year,
based on the time-honored principle that even if you are
sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely
aren't. Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays
requiring light snacking.
Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on
special days (e.g. Easter, Christmas, etc.), on Jewish holidays most
Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and
personal reasons, are more stressed out.

The Diet Guide to the Jewish

Holidays:

Rosh Hashanah -- Feast

Tzom Gedalia -- Fast

Yom Kippur -- More fasting

Sukkot -- Feast

Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting

Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting

Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole
month. Get a grip on yourself.

Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes

Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes

Tu B'Shevat -- Feast

Fast of Esther -- Fast

Purim -- Eat pastry

Passover -- Do not eat pastry

Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)

17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or
blintzes)

Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think
about cheesecake or blintzes)

Month of Elul -- End of cycle.
Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High
Holidays arrive again
There are many forms of Judaism:

Cardiac Judaism -- in my heart I am a Jew.

Gastronomic Judaism -- we eat Jewish foods.

Pocketbook Judaism -- I give to Jewish causes.

Drop-off Judaism -- drop the kids off at Sunday
school and go out to breakfast.

Two-Times a Year Judaism -- attend service Rosh
Hashanah and Yom Kippur.
You know you grew up Jewish when:

You've had at least one female relative who drew
eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical.

You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people
fitting into a 10 foot wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.

You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

You were surprised to find out that wine doesn't
always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.

You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.

You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.

You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and
use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean.
Kenahurra.

You have at least one ancestor who is related to
your spouse's ancestor.

You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to
shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes.

You thought that speaking loud was normal.

Hebronics Update

The New York City Board of Education has officially declared Jewish
English-- now dubbed Hebonics -- as a second
language. Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the
nation to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant
attribute of American culture.
According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at
Brooklyn College and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure
of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the
response to any question is usually another question -- plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How
should I be, with my feet?'"
Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb
linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is
the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning:
"Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"
Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of
a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's
beautiful, that dress."
Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb
moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as
"He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly
in Vaseline he walks."
Schollman provided the following examples from
his best-selling textbook, Switched-On Hebonics.

Answering a phone call from son:
English answer:"It's been a while since you
called."
Hebonic response: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead
yet?"

OY !

YIDDISH ~~~THE SECRET CODE
Yiddish was the secret code,
therefore I don't farshtaist,
A bisseleh maybe here and there, the
rest has gone to waste.
Sadly when I hear it now, I only get
the gist,
My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully; but
me, I am tsemisht.
So och un vai as I should say, or
even oy vai iz mir,
Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish,
it's familiar to my ear.
And I'm no Chaim Yonkel , in fact I
was shtick naches,
But, when it comes to Yiddish
though, I'm talking out my
tuchas.
Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I
don't know it better.
Though it's really nishtkefelecht
when one needs to write a
letter.
But, when it comes to characters,
there's really no contention,
No other linguist can compete with
honorable mentshen:
They have nebbishes and nebechels
and others without mazel,
Then, too, schmendriks and
schlemiels, and let's not forget
schlemazel.
These words are so precise and
descriptive to the listener,
So much better than "a pill " is to
call someone "farbissener".
Or, that a brazen woman would be
better called chaleria,
And you'll agree farklempt says more
than does hysteria.
I'm not haken dir a tsheinik and I
hope I'm not a kvetch,
But isn't meiskeit nicer, than to
call someone a wretch?
Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbeh say,
"It's nechtiker tog,
don't fear,
To me you're still a maven, zol zein
shah, don't fill my ear.
A leben ahf dein keppele, I don't
mean to interrupt,
But you are speaking
narishkeit.....And A gezunt auf dein
kup!"
~~~~~~~~
GLOSSARY
~~~~~~~~
Farshtaist = (Do You?) Understand
Bisseleh = A little
Tsemisht = Confused or mixed up
Och un vai = Alas and alack
Oi vai iz mir = Woe is me
Pisk = mouth
Naches = Joy, Gratification
Shandeh far di kinder = A pity/shame
for the children
Nishtkefelecht = Not so terrible
Nebbishes = A nobody or simpleton
Nebechels = A pititful person or
playing the role of being one
Schlemiel = Clumsy bungler, an inept
person, butter-fingered
Schmendrik = Nincompoop; an inept or
indifferent person
Schlemazel = Luckless person.
Unlucky person; one with
perpetual bad luck (it is said
that the shlemiel spills the
soup on the Shlimazel!)
Farbissener = Embittered; bitter
person
Chaleria = Evil woman. Probably
derived from cholera.
Farklempt = Too emotional to talk.
Ready to cry.
Haken dir a tsheinik = Don't get on
your nerves
Kvetch = Whine, complain; whiner, a
complainer
Mieskeit = Ugly
Mitten derinnen = All of a sudden,
suddenly
Nechtiker tog! = He's (it's) gone!
Forget it!
Nonsense! (Lit., a night's day)
Zol zein shah! = Be quiet. Shut up!!
Leben ahf dein keppele = Words of
praise like; Well said! Well done!
Narishkeit = Nonsense
Hope you enjoyed!

Mezuza Protection
A wealthy Jewish guy buys a fabulous home with
over 50 rooms.
He brings in a local workman to decorate the
place. When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but
realizes that he's forgotten something to put mezuzahs on the doors.
He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the
decorator to place them on an angle on the right hand side of
each door except bathrooms and kitchens.
He's really worried that the decorator will chip
the paint work or won't put the mezuzahs up correctly. However,
when he comes back a few hours later, he sees that the job has
been carried out beautifully.
He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a !
bonus.
As the decorator is walking out of the door he
says : "Glad you're happy with the job, mon. By the way, I
took out all the warranties in the little boxes and left them on
the table for you...

Short Jewish Jokes
Saul Epstein Was Taking An Oral Exam Applying For
His Citizenship Papers.
He Was Asked To Spell "Cultivate"
He Spelled It Correctly.
He Was Then Asked To Use The Word In A Sentence.
He Brightened Up And Said, "Last Vinter On A
Very Cold Day, I Vas Vaiting For A Bus, But It Vas Too Cultivate, So I
Took The Subvay Home."
Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one
afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.
Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you
know I don't swim so well."
Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer
from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid.
So Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore.
After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally
about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul,
"So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a
time to be asking for money!"
Q: What's the difference between a Bris and a Get ?
A: With a Get, you're rid of the whole schmuck!
Bar Mitzvah Definition:
A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a
Jewish boy comes to the realization that he is more
likely to own a professional sports team
than he is to play for one.
How do Jews actually practice their religion
in contrast to what rabbis tell us we ought to do?
From Ari Goldman's Book: "Being Jewish: the
Spiritual and Cultural Practice of Judaism Today" --
1. I don't floss my teeth on Shabbat.
2. I don't eat shellfish on Shabbat.
3. I drive, but not on freeways (on Shabbat).
4. I keep kosher, but only within 50 miles of my home.
5. I keep 3 sets of dishes - for meat, dairy, and Chinese Food.
Neurotic: A person who worries about things
that didn't happen in the past... instead of
worrying about something that won't happen in the
future, like normal people.
A man is lying on the operating table, about
to be operated on by his son, the surgeon. The father
says, "Son, think of it this way ... If anything
happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."
"A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine"

If you want varnishkas, press 1;

If you want knishes press 2;

If you want chicken soup, press 3;

If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;

If you want to know how am I feeling, you are
calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.
A Jewish businessman warned his son against
marrying a "shiksa."
The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism."
"It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A
shiksa will cause problems."
After the wedding, the father called the son,
who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.
"It's Shabbos," the son replied.
The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's our
busiest day."
"I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted,
"because my wife, the convert, wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."
"See," the father says. "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause
problems."

Hebrew Bugs
Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush.
"How was your summer?" asks
bee number one. "Not too good," sez bee two. "Lotta
rain, lotta cold. Not
enough flowers, not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go
down the corner and hang a
left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of
flowers and fruit." Bee two
buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.
An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.
"How was the bar
mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" sez buddy-bee.
The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's
that on your head?" "A
yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to
think I was a wasp."

A Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once,
on Yom Kippur, he left
the house early and went out for a quick nine holes
by himself. An angel who
happened to be looking on immediately notified his
superiors that a grievous
sin was being committed on earth. On the sixth hole,
G-d caused a mighty
wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the
cup for a miraculous and
dramatic hole in one.
The angel was horrified.
"Lord," he said, "you call this a punishment?!"
"Sure," answered G-d with a smile. "Who can he
tell?"

The Night Before Chanukah
'Twas the night before Chanukah, boichiks and
maidels
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels
The menorah was set by the chimney alight
In the kitchen, the Bubbie was hopping a bite
Salami, Pastrami, a glaisele tay
And zoyere pickles mit bagels-- Oy vay!
Gezint and geschmock the kinderlach felt
While dreaming of taiglach and Chanukah gelt
The alarm clock was sitting, a kloppin' and tickin'
And Bubbie was carving a shtickele chicken
A tummel arose, like the wildest k'duchas
Santa had fallen right on his tuchas!
I put on my slippers, ains, tzvay, drei
While Bubbie was eating herring on rye
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gottkes
And Bubbie was just devouring the latkes
To the window I ran, and to my surprise
A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw the menorah
"Yiddishe kinder," he cried, "Kenahorah!"
I thought I was in a Goyishe hoise!
As long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys."
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish
Mit a gupel, a leffel, and a shtickele fish."
With smacks of delight he started his fressen
Chopped liver, knaidlach, and kreplach gegessen
Along with his meal he had a few schnapps
When it came to eating, this boy sure was tops
He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt
But they were so hot he yelled out "Gevalt!"
He loosened his hoysen and ran from the tish
"Your koshereh meals are simply delish!"
As he went through the door he said "See y'all later
I'll be back next Pesach in time for the seder!"
So, hutzmir and zeitzmir and "Bleibtz mir gezint"
he called out cheerily into the wind.
More rapid than eagles, his prancers they came
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name
"Come, Izzie, now Moishe, now Yossel and Sammy!
On Oyving, and Maxie, and Hymie and Manny!"
He gave a geshrai, as he drove out of sight
"A gut yontiff to all, and to all a good night!"
Anon

An elderly Jewish lady approaches a man at a bus
stop in Brooklyn. She tugs
on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn
Yiddish?"
The man answers, "Yes, Ich Farshtay."
Elderly Lady: "Vot time is it?"
Gotlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know
tonight is Kol Nidre, but
tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi,
I'm a lifelong Yankee fan.
I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV."
The Rabbi responds, "Gotlieb, that's what VCRs
are for."
Gotlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol
Nidre"?
This is a little-known tale of how G-d came to
give us the Ten Commandments.
G-d first went to the Egyptians and asked them
if they would like a Commandment.
"What's a commandment," they asked.
"Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT
ADULTERY," replied G-d.
The Egyptians thought about it and then said,
"No way, that would ruin our weekends."
So then G-d went to the Assyrians and asked them
if they would like a commandment.
They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
"Well," said G-d, "it's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."
The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our
economy."
So finally G-d went to the Jews and asked them
if they wanted a commandment.
They asked, "How much?"
G-D said, "They're free."
The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN."
Three Eastern European Jews named Berel, Cherel,
and Shmerel were talking about moving to the US.
Berel says, "When I move to America,
I'm going to have to change my name. They won't call
me Berel anymore; they'll call me Buck."
Cherel says, "When I move to America, I'll also
have to change my name. They'll call me Chuck."
Then Shmerel says..... "I'm not moving."
It is teeming rain in the flood plain of
the Mississippi valley, and the rising river
begins to threaten all manner of private homes,
including of the local Rabbi.
With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with
police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi,
let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a
righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident
He will deliver me."
Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at
which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his
house. A second police rowboat
comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us
evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a
righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will
deliver me."
The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced
up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the
officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up!
You're in terrible danger!"
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a
righteous man, who trusts in
the Almighty, and I am confident He will
deliver me."
The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off
the roof, carried away in the current and drowns.
He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gate
he is admitted, and comes before the Divine
Presence. The Rabbi asks,
"Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous,
observant person my whole life, and depended on You
to save me in my hour of need. Where were You?"
And the Lord answers, "Schmuck, I sent two boats and
a helicopter.
What more do you want?"
A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas
comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is
a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog
in here."
"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a
Jewish dog. Look."
And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in
the same way that a
St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its
neck this dog has a tallis
bag round its neck. "Rover," says the man, "daven!".
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs,
opens the tallis bag,
takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs,
opens the tallis bag,
takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs,
opens the tallis bag,
takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas,
"absolutely amazing, incredible!
You should take him to Hollywood, get him on
television, get him in the
movies, he could make a million dollars!!"
"You speak to him," says the man, "he wants to
be a dentist

A Jewish guy in a London hotel calls the operator
and asks, in broken English with a heavy
Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for number 266419.
A short time later, someone knocks, and when he
opens the door he sees 2 beautiful and sexy girls who
asked him: Have you ordered 2 shikses for one night?

Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew
University: "The future
of the Jewish people is in your hands."
My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she
was on jury duty.
They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
Shul committees should be made up of three
members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and
orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up.
They have no holidays.
Don't be humble; you are not that great. I have
enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
The time is at hand when the wearing of a
prayer shawl and skullcap will
not bar a man from the White House, unless, of
course, the man is Jewish.
Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New
York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana,
you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could
discuss his use of the family car. His
father took him into his study and said, "I'll
make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a
little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and
again asked his father if they could discuss his use of
the car. They again went into the
father's study where the father said- "Son,
I've been very proud of you. You have brought your
grades up, you've studied the Talmud
diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied,
"You know Dad, I've been thinking about
that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had
long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." The
rabbi said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.
"Tradition...Tradition...
"During a service at an old synagogue in
Eastern Europe, when the Shema
prayer was said, half the congregants stood up
and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started
yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones
standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.
The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and
commentaries, didn't know what to do.
His congregation suggested that he consult a
homebound 98-year old man, who was one of the
original founders of their temple.
The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him
what the actual temple tradition was. So he
went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the
congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the
old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old
man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers
sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?" The old man
answered, "No, that is not the tradition." Then the rabbi said to the old
man, "The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about
whether they should sit or stand!" The old man interrupted, exclaiming,
"THAT is our tradition!"
Chinese food

A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his class and said, "The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th year as a people. Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only observed their 4,692nd year as a people.
Now what does it mean to you?"After a moment of silence, a chubby student raised his hand. "Yes, David," the teacher said. "What does it mean? "
"Well," David replied "It means that the Jews had to go without Chinese food for 1,067 years."

Kosher Computers
Made in Israel by DELLSHALOM
It is selling at such a good price !!
If you or a friend are considering a Kosher computer, you should know that
there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

The cursor moves from right to left.

Microsoft Office now includes, "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."

It comes with two hard drives-one for: fleyshedik (meat) business software and one for milchedik (dairy) games.

The "Start" button has been replaced with the "Let's Go!! I'm Not Getting Any Younger!" button.

When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, you are instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."

Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.

You will hear "Hava Nagila" during startup. When running "ScanDisk," it prompts with a "You want I should fix this?" message.

When your PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!"

Year 2000" issues were replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.

After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloffen."

Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.

There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.

After your computer dies, you MUST dispose of it within 24 hours.

And of course the BEST Feature of all: Kosher Computers DONT GET SPAM!

AFIKOMMENTS n. Adult arguing that occurs as children search for hidden Passover matzo.
BAGELA n. A gay Jewish baker.
BIALY ACHE n. The result of lunch at your mother's and dinner at your mother-in-law's.
BLINTZKRIEG n. A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though "I won't be able to eat for a week!" Particularly common four to six hours after special-occasion gluttony.
BUBBEGUM n. Sweets one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's nappy.
DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.
DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, medical school, or business
school, as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. (In extreme cases, simply choosing to study art history when Irvine 's son, David, is studying biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.)
DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah.
HEBRUTE n. Israeli after shave.
HINDSTEIN n. A Semitic smart-ass.
IMPASTA n. Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant.
JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favourite celebrity is Jewish.
JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defence based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
KINDERSCHLEP vb. To be called on to car pool more children than one has fingers, in a car that was made in Japan .
MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.
MATZILATION n. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."
MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.
MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and makeup stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Leyton to Edgware and finding all your old neighbours live in the same road as you.
SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.
SCHLERM n. The wrinkled end of a Blooms salami.
SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.
YENTILITY n. A deceptively sweet manner used to extract information. Key phrases include "Trust me", "Your secret is safe with me," and "If you can't tell me, who can you tell?"
YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John , Curtis, Davis, or Taylor

JEWISH MOTHERS
1.The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women
like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to
the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates
from medical school.
3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
4. Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Pr incess horror movie?
It's called 'Debbie Does Dishes.'
5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
7. When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back,
she replied, 'So did my arthritis.'
8. A man called his mother in Florida , 'Mom, how are you!?' 'Not too good,'
said the mother. 'I've been very weak.' The son said, 'Why are you so weak?'
She said, 'Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.' The son said, 'That's terrible.
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?' The mother answered, 'Because
I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.'
9. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a
part in the play. She asks, 'What part is it?' The boy says,
'I play the part of the Jewish husband.' The mother scowls and says,
'Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.'
10. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
11. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero: (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to
be a nuisance to anybody.
12. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
13. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street
and said, 'Lady I haven't eaten in three days.' 'Force yourself,' she replied.
14. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
15. Jewish mother's telegram: 'Begin worrying. Details to follow.'
16. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

New Jewish Words

Jewbilation (n..) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish or that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person.
Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)
Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
Bubbegum (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.
Déjà Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exa sperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.
Disoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
Goyfer ( n.) A Gentile messenger.
Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
Jewdo (n.) A t raditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make..
Meinstein - slang. 'My son, the genius!'
Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.
Rosh Hashana-na-na ( n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.
Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John , Curtis, Davis or Taylor.
Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.
Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.
Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient groun ds for diskvellification.
Impasta ( n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.
Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.
Schmuckluck (n.) Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork in it

· The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
· If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
· It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.
· If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
· Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour?
· WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
· Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
· Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.
· There's nothing like a good belch.
· Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
· Never pay retail.
· Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
· No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
· The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
· And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
· If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.
· Always leave a little room for the Viennese table.
· Always whisper the names of diseases.
· One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
· If you don't eat, it will kill me.
· Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
· The most important word to know in any language is sale.
· Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
· Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
· Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste.
· Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
· Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
· Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach .
· The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the street parking is suspended.
· You need 10 men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
· A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
· A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
· Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
· Before you read the menu, read the prices.
· There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.
· According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
· Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
· If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
· No meal is complete without leftovers.
· What business is a yenta in? Yours.
· If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
· The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
· Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
· Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.