A True Patriot

As you may or may not remember, I mentioned that I was in Washington, D.C. at the end of July for a very quick 40 hour trip. Yes, this is the trip where I lost my laptop. ANY. WAY. My mom and Annabel were along with me, and we did have a few hours to grab dinner and get in a bit of sight seeing.

Our meal was delicious, and after walking to the White House, we decided we really wanted to see the Lincoln Memorial. We tried for about ten minutes to get a cab before my mom spotted a pedicab. I have never been in a pedicab…it’s basically telling a dude how much you weigh. But my mom was insistent, and soon we were making the mile trek via pedicab.

We were about halfway to the memorial when I suddenly started to feel some cramping. I chalked it up to my Lady Business, but it SOON became apparent this was NOT another adventure in menstruation…no, this was a completely different body system all together. Something I ate was not agreeing with me. I started shifting uncomfortably in my seat.

A few minutes went by, and suddenly we were caught in a downpour. The pedicab driver pulled over to shield us from the storm (the cab had a roof and we had umbrellas) and right then my stomach cramps Kicked It Up A Notch. I started doing what I assume is Lamaze breathing.

When we finally FINALLY arrived at the memorial after what seemed like 87 years, I hobbled to the Ranger Station at the edge of The Mall and asked if there was a bathroom nearby. He pointed over my shoulder and said, “there, up the stairs, around the corner. Under Abe.” I turned to where he was pointing and calculated that I had to walk about 400 yards. I started to fear that I might not make it.

I left my mom and Annie behind and started slowly walking toward the Memorial. My mom said that I looked like someone who was walking with a stick up her butt. EVERY SINGLE MUSCLE from my toes to my abs was clenched tightly. When I made it to the base of the stairs, my stomach rumbled violently. I stopped walking, took a breath, and willed my body with all my might to NOT crap itself on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.

I was 98% successful.

When I made it to the bathroom I…cleaned myself up. And then, while I said the Pledge of Allegiance (because I am nothing if not respectful of America!), I left my underwear in a trashcan. YAY AMERICA!

I’m pretty sure the women in the stalls around me were disturbed.

When I emerged from the bathroom, my mom asked me if I wanted to go back to the hotel. NO! I couldn’t let the stomach terrorist win. So up to the memorial I went, SANS UNDEROOS, IN A DRESS, and it really was breathtaking.

My mom insisted I take a picture with Annabel to mark the occasion.

After that, I told my mom I was done, and we left. As we walked away (with my hands holding my dress down to prevent a flasher moment), I looked back at Honest Abe, and I could feel his eyes watching me:

176 Comments

Amber says:

Heather –
I have never commented on your blog, but I have been a long time reader. In the back of my mind I have always thought, “Heather seems like someone I would like to be friends with.” This blog entry confirms that we just might hit it off. This completely sounds like something that could happen to me! Thank you for being honest and brave and sharing stories about your life that we, real women, can relate or maybe just get a little giggle out of. You crack me up, and make me think, and always continue to inspire me! Thanks for the late night giggle and for the picture of Honest Abe judging you!
~amber

Poppy says:

Alexandra :) says:

Sorry you had such a bad trip, Heather. Congrats for having stuck it out! It’s been good to see so many happy or funny posts from you in a row, even though I know you must still be very sad some of the time (or is it a lot of the time? I wouln’t know)
Anyways, stay strong,
Alexandra

Poor Heather! We lived in the D.C. area for 3 years and in that time we took many relatives who came to visit us to see Abe. I’m lactose intolerant so with the many trips we took there, I knew that bathroom well.

One time I had an incident going up the steps to see Lincoln and getting to that bathroom seemed never ending. It felt like that scene in Poltergeist where the mom is running down the hall and it keeps getting longer.

My sister was visiting at the time and she thought it was hilarious. I told her to please never tell anyone, now the whole family and then some know.

Kristen says:

Oh, I’ve been there. Except I was in a mall parking lot with a 1 yr old and 4 year old. I knew I’d never make it into the mall in time, so I grabbed one of my son’s diapers, rigged up blankets to block the windows and sat in the back seat. The baby was crying, and people walking by the car were looking in the windows thinking some mom had left her kids in the car. All the while my stomach is cramping/dying and I’m doing my business in a diaper in the back seat of my car. It was my most humiliating moment ever!

Alison says:

Oh, thank goodness. Someone else has admitted to this. I’ve had terrible gallbladder issues recently. This means that I, uh, have a lot of bathroom issues. My kids have gotten used to mommy having to run (or speed, when driving.. oops..) in order to make the bathroom because her tummy isn’t feeling well. JOY!

You’re not the first to toss out a pair of underoos due to this issue. I am just glad to see another woman admitting it.

KK says:

I’ve had similar issue now going on 16 years post surgery at the age of 20. Ask your Doctor about “Colestid.” It’s a lifesaver. I take 1 Gram per Day & it generally makes like much more manageable. Also, if like me you’re currently taking Immodium or the like, stop it immediately! After a while, it’s sets your system up for failure. I haven’t taken any in months & feel so much better.

Alison says:

Thank you! I had my surrogate baby in June, and my gallbladder went to heck after that. I need to get it out, but uh, I’m putting it off for now. I heard about not taking Immodium and the like, so I am not taking those at least. As long as I watch what I eat, I’m usually okay (USUALLY).

A.Reed says:

I am almost 8 yrs post with my Gallbladder out, and I have SO many bowel problems since my surgery! I cant eat before a trip in the car, I cant go out to eat if there isnt a bathroom near by, its horrible. My Mom thinks Im crazy, but after reading here and the people I know “in real life” that have my issues, I think I am RIGHT!! having your gallbladder out DOES send your bowels into overdrive!!! My Mom is WRONG WRONG WRONG!! lol

Lindsay from Boston says:

You’re not alone. I’ve had this happen twice while I’ve been overseas (I’m guessing because of the new food my stomach can’t adjust to). It led to, um, some interesting moments in Monet’s Gardens and on a bus in Istanbul. So, don’t worry, Monet is judging ME. And I’m ok with it … a girl’s gotta take care of things however best she can!

Mary Ann says:

Oh, I give you a HUGE amount of credit for not heading back to the hotel immediately. I’ve had this gastric experience, but was fortunate enough to be at home when it occurred. It’s miserable and you handled it well.

Jenn says:

I’m sorry for your “shitty” experience, but I had to laugh for 2 reason….#1) You are so frickin funny ANYWAY!!!! #2) When you were pointing out the picture of you & Annie and as you pointed to her with the word ” SO EMBARRASSED”, the 6 yr old in me started to giggle as I looked Annie with one leg up, exposing her diaper! Hape ha ha I know…I’m immature, a dork with a different sense of humour, etc (Sorry, NO offense meant AT ALL)!!!!!!

You are so brave to share your story with us but no worries Sweetie…..:SHIT HAPPENS”!!!!

I’m wondering if we had the same thing to eat because when I was there about a month before you…SAME. THING. Only difference is that I made it to the National Museum of American History. That and I won’t be blogging about it

Molly says:

I know the feeling mama… my stomach picks the MOST inopportune times to do it’s lovely dance. I give you a lot of credit. Unfortunately, the stomach is so unpredictable sometimes and ya gotta do whatcha gotta do. I’m glad you didn’t let the “enemy” win… AND don’t think that Abe never had a stomach issue!

Margie says:

OMG, I couldn’t stop laughing. I crapped my pants twice in the past 3 years. The first time I was on my way home after eating at a chinese buffet and crapped myself as I walked up my stairs because I wanted to use my own bathroom and not the half with bad plumbing. Then, as I was getting ready to take a shower, my cell phone rang. Ugh, in my race to shit, I left it downstairs. In my race to answer it, I locked myself outside my bedroom with only a small towel to cover myself. I had to pick the lock. The second time, I failed to use the restroom before I left home for the day and squirmed in traffic on the way home. When I got out my car, I shit myself.

Melissa says:

I am almost in tears laughing with my morning coffee. I’ve been in that awful panic stomach place, but I could never write it that way. You are an excellent writer and I love that you can see the humor in the situation.

Oh, I’ve had a moment or two like that. Luckily I’ve never had to leave my undies behind in the garbage, but I’ve come close. Doesn’t it always seem like those rumbles always happen at the worst possible moments.

Mary says:

So funny! Because it’s so true, lol! All I can say is Thank god for baby wipes!!! They can do wonders in a situation like that! I nearly peed myself while in that same location last year, they need more bathrooms!!!

Jennifer says:

OMG!!!!! You had me laughing outloud at this one and SO what I needed this morning! I feel like this is something I or one of my friend’s would do/or have done! That’s what I love about your posts…so real and geniune. I feel like I have known you for years!

Man, you just couldn’t catch a break on that trip! I’m from the DC area and I’m sorry you had more than one unfortunate experience in my neck of the woods. But I’m glad you at least got to do a few fun touristy things! And I’m glad you showed the stomach terrorist who’s boss.

p.s. I’m pretty sure that’s Abe’s look of approval. He’s saying “Hey, I recognize you from your blog! Thanks for visiting me even though you feel like crap.. I’m gonna brag about this tomorrow to Thomas Jefferson.”

Janeen says:

I have that dress in grey, and no worries it has enough lining under it that i’m sure no one could see a thing! super funny story though. I love that you are not afraid to share! Did your mom have any idea? haha.

Megan says:

Thank you for cracking me up on a cloudy Thursday morning I too think we could be friends. Except you are much braver than I because I could never blog about this!

I may or may not have had a similar problem IN MY OWN BED once when I had stomach flu, but there was also the time I peed in a cup in my car in a KFC parking lot and then emptied out my pee…onto the parking lot. I was on a long trip, my car was having starter issues, and I was terrified that if I turned it off to go into a business and pee, I’d wind up stranded.

Alicia says:

Ugh! I can feel your pain. I had this happen to me just 2 weeks ago. I had to ditch the underwear in the trash and then take the long walk of shame back to my car with mud butt. Thankfully I had gone shopping earlier and had extra clothes in the car. Then I went back inside the farmers market to get my kids (who were with my best freind) and had to go again and I once again did not make it to the bathroom. This time was much much worse though.

KK says:

It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who has hobbled around the Mall searching for a bathroom. Try it during Cherry Blossom Festival when your extended in law family is stuck in a van around the circle watching you decide whether you can make it to the vast row of port o potties or if it’s worth dodging into the men’s room at the ranger station (since it had no line for waiting unlike the women’s side. I was so happy to hear I provided such comic relief for the family as I made my decision.

Heather,
I too have been in this type of predicament.
At a Green Bay Packer Game.
In the dead of winter.
Sitting in the nose bleeds.
Wearing long underwear, jeans, snow pants, a huge winter jacket not to mention giant boots with 3 pairs of wool socks.
Lucky for you, you had the opportunity to remove your skivvies and dispose of them. I unfortunately had to keep mine on through the last 2 quarters of the football game since I could not remove them in the restroom.
I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life and I’m now airing my ‘dirty laundry’ in front of the world!
XOXO

Becky says:

Oh my goodness! You had me laughing so hard I was crying! *Ahem…Sorry!* Anyway, I would have been horrified to leave my underwear in a trashcan! What if the tummy trouble kicked back in?! You’d have no…um…backup!? I’m glad to know I’m not alone in this journey and that most people sympathize with you instead of making fun of you! I’ll try to remember that next time…there’s always a next time!:/

Charlene says:

I don’t know if you have tried this yet, but I carry immodium with me. I take one before a meal out and haven’t had any accidents. As a nurse – the immodium slows down your intestinal activity which prevents those little mishaps.. FYI

vickie says:

susan says:

This happened to me at Bergdorf Goodman, the extremely uppity department store , in NYC. When I came out of the stall, the bathroom attendant came flying across the bathroom and brushed past me to get into the stall, with a can of room spray raised and ready to fire. She probably went through the used pad container to find my underwear. Also, the bathroom is a big square, so all the patrons are in the same local and can watch the action. So much fun and very memorable.

Tia says:

Ah, I know exactly what you are talking about. Unfortunately I wasn’t anywhere as impressive as the Lincoln Memorial and my daughter who was with me is 11 and will remember this episode and has probably already posted it on her facebook status.

Anna says:

It must be something about that area. My sister almost crapped herself at the WASHINGTON Monument. She was still in the stall when a couple of New Yorkers walked in, gagged, and yelled that it was the worst thing they had ever smelt.

Marti from Michigan says:

Uggggggghhhhhhhh, I have lost so many pairs of undies in trash cans all over the place, I totally sympathize with you! Might have been the food, might have been all the travel you’ve been doing – not like malaria or anything like that, just stomach distress. I take an over-the-counter Prilosec every day in 14-day bouts, then rest awhile, and start up again. It helps all the way around, upset stomach, reflux symptoms and………..that problem!

Hope you feel better, your pictures are wonderful and Annie is adorable!

Lori says:

PattyB says:

BWAHHHHHHH! Believe me when I say that I am laughing with you, not at you. I had a similar event happen to me very recently, only I was stuck in a car with my family after having eaten literally the greasiest, most delicious cheeseburger I’ve ever had in my life. My digestive tract did not agree. We weren’t even half way home yet, when the pain hit me like a ton of bricks and, I too, had to use Lamaze breathing just to be able to speak. Once we arrived at home, I hobbled up the front walk with my legs crossed hoping not to crap on myself before I reached the bathroom. All I can say is that I was glad I was at home and could put my undies in the laundry basket (deep, deep down in the laundry basket). Thanks for sharing. I am glad to know I am not alone!

Katie says:

A few weeks ago I was attempting to drive from target to a Dr. appt and luckily had to pass my street on the way because I absolutely HAD to stop.
I too was about 98% successful. I threw my undies and jeans in the tub, cleaned up, and headed back out to the appt. I hope no one noticed!

Oh my gosh! I am SO SORRY that happened to you but the way you told the tale had me laughing my ass off! I especially loved the captions on the photos!

Some female relatives of mine have some bowel issues and have frequent episodes like yours. One was on the way home from a pizza dinner with her family one night and got one of those stomach cramps and had to poop in the pizza box with their leftover pizza in it.

Another recently had to pull over in the parking lot of a mall (which was closed at the time) so she could try to poop in a plastic sack. She was finishing up just in time to have a security guard knocking our her window…..

Catie Williams says:

Heather – I never post, but I read everyday. Today….made me LOL, literally, in my cube at work. I then promptly sent this blog to my sister and my husabnd saying “Does this remind you of someone you know?”. I have been 98% successful or *cough* less successful on more than one occassion. This will be TMI…but its a joke in my family about how one day I went running, and got about 6 blocks from my house & had to go REALLY bad, so I SPRINTED back to my house, but didn’t make it.

Angela says:

I’ve read your blog for quite some time now and never commented until today. OMG, I SOOOOO needed to read this today, just made my very stressful day somewhat more tolerable.. I’m glad you *almost* made it to the restroom on time..

Kimberly O'Connell says:

Pinkie Bling says:

I had a similar experience the first time I ate at Ruth’s Chris. It wasn’t the food – I was experiencing some gastrointestinal distress before I even ordered. Fortunately I wasn’t wearing a dress, but having to leave my underwear in the ladies’ room trash did take a bit of the fancy schmancy shine off the evening!

Oh my gosh – I’ve had this exact gurgling before {in public} and I feel your pain and horror. I love you for posting this.. seriously. It’s made me come out of my lurker shell. I suppose on the bright side.. at least there was a loo nearby?

Barbara says:

I couldn’t help but comment…..this post cracks me up! I think the picture of you and Annabel is a great one. I think she has her leg lifted to toot in support of you rather than be embarrassed by you!!

Amy K says:

My mother always carries an extra pair of undies around in her purse and in the car, just in case. I never knew what the heck was wrong with her until I had a kid, but now…things feel a little more urgent sometimes. Harder to control. No accidents yet, but your post has made me think that carrying a spare might not be such a bad idea. Thanks for the hilarious recap!

michael says:

I’m dying here. I live in the DC area… next time you’re out here and need to go potty, just call. I’ve been in your position more times than I care to admit (and have not always had the pleasure of making to an actual toilet. There’s a bush in Kauai that is sorry I visited).

I recently posted a video on my Facebook that might help you with this moment. It’s about how people shouldn’t judge. You should be able to find it if you check my page. I bet Abe wasn’t judging you. He’s a good honest man.

Jodie Brooks says:

I’m sure it took a lot for you to post this, so I am NOT going to mention the fact that right after you talk about going commando in a dress, you mention how breathtaking it is AND show a picture of a national monument that kind of looks like a penis. You’re welcome.

Okay, I am pretty sure you are the only girl in America who would admit to that! You are so funny, and have so many bodily mishaps – doesn’t seem fair, but while this was disturbing while eating my spaghetti lunch, it was heartening to see that there are other “real” people in the world! Blessing to you and your little doll face!

Laurie SL says:

You really have a way with words and can make even the most embarassing and gross (not that I’m judging you:)) moment so funny. Your family is so lucky to have such a witty and fab daughter/sister/mom as you

THANK YOU for writing the words we’ve all been afraid to write ourselves at one point or another! You crack me up!! Something like this has happened to everyone… at sometime… thanks for not denying it.

Valerie says:

Ohhhhhhh, so sorry, yet soooo relieved I’m not the only one!! I even have specific “trigger” locations where it’s more likely to happen… library, book store, shoe shopping… (what’s THAT all about?!?) and DEFINITELY after the misguided visit to the Chinese Buffet!! Your blog is great for so many reasons, ESPECIALLY to help us realize we’re not all alone w/ our crazy eccentricities!!!
Take care, be well…!
Val in Ohiooooooooooo!!

OMG, girl, you rock! Thanks for sharing with all of us. I can sooo relate because I have been there one many occasions, not the least of which was a taxi ride foray into guerilla/kidnap territory deep in Colombia. You know it’s bad when the driver is afraid to stop. It only gets worse when you practically crap yourself but make it to the stall just in time only to find…no toilet paper. And then realize that the kid you saw standing outside the stalls as you ran by, clenching your thighs together for dear life? Yeah, he’s out there selling (!) toilet paper and can hear what you’re doing. I’ve never been so happy to fork pesos over for TP (or, have my husband fork them over). Good times.

And, perhaps for futures occasions such as these–if you are an iPhone owner–you might want to download the free “Sit or Squat” app to help you find the nearest bathroom from wherever you may be. It was the first thing I downloaded after I got my iPhone

Emily says:

There’s also one called “have2P” where you put in your location and it gives you step by step directions and a map on how to get to the nearest bathroom….I discovered that the other day…not that I use it or anything…;)

I read this blog daily but I never comment…however, you had me laughing out loud that my husband and kids looked at me like I was nuts for laughing at a computer screen! How many times have we all done this, only you were brave enough to post it? I know if we knew each other in person, we would be fast friends. We would share wonderful stories of crapping in our pants and having to walk around with no panties for the day…you crack me up!

Jenny says:

Heather – you are totally someone I can relate to and maybe if we didn’t live over a thousand miles apart we would’ve been friends. I am laughing hysterically at this post, largely because I have a sensitive stomach and have been in the same position myself! LOL!

Lia says:

Diane says:

Oh, my. I know that crampy gurgling feeling all too well. I haven’t had to ditch any underwear yet, but it’s been awfully close. It’s a small comfort to know that so many other people have had the same experience, but only you could tell it so well!

Donna says:

Heather,
I have had a really bad day plus a migraine. Not good. So now, I am trying so hard not to laugh because it hurts my head. This is the funniest thing I have heard in a long time. I’d love to meet you and just listen to you talk. lol

Angela says:

OMG! I dig you! Not because you pooped your pants in the Lincoln Memorial and certainly not because you stuffed your panties in the trash but because you went in front of your entire blogging audience and came “clean”.

Can you by my “pseudo” BFF? I’d promise to only bring your craptastic adventure up ONLY when I’ve had one or two cocktails

Angela says:

One more thing: I had a similar situation here in San Francisco at a Giants game. One more thing: I have an aversion to public restrooms.

As a result of my “situation” that day, I’m quite certain I passed that same aversion to a few other female Giants’ fans who happened to be in the restroom at the same time as me. I was very grateful for my daughter’s baby wipes =)

As a person who has long struggled w/ and suffered from horrible stomach and gastrointestinal issues, I want you to know that I’ve been there! I’ve left several pairs on underwear in random bathroom trashcans over the years, so I am completely empathetic to your plight. Ugh. Never had to do it in DC, though!

Becky says:

Suzie says:

Yeah Commando Baby!! LOL This has got to be the funniest thing I have ever read?? I am still laughing out loud! Thanks for making my day and once again reiterating how insanely normal you are! Oh and the picture with you kneeling down next to Annie is hilarious with the little captions. On a more serious note…bwaaaahahahahaaa….oh yeah, where was I? ahem…I am so just teasing you, but sorry you had the bad belly issues. Thank goodness your mom was there!!

Michelle in MO says:

Oh Mercy Heather! I have had that same situation. I was moving 1000 miles home to my parents after my husband threw me out after 9 years together, last September. It was two weeks between his request and the time that I had $$ enough to leave. I was driving a VERY loaded hatchback car with two cats with me. I hadn’t eaten much but apples and string cheese for those two weeks. I hadn’t showered in a week. I knew what hotel I would stop at that night and had clean clothes pack in my “important stuff” bag for when I took a gloriously hot bath at said hotel. Well I stopped at Starbuck’s on my way outta town. Bad idea. Coffee on a nerve wracked, non decent fed for two weeks stomach was a VERY BAD IDEA. It’s an hour from old town to the nearest major highway. The second rest area is about an hour from there. I passed the first rest area just fine. I got about 15 miles from the second and the rumble started. I was horrified. I knew what was going to happen. Even if I drove 140 mph, I would not have made it. I made it out of the car, with a package of baby wipes in hand and my keys. You are lucky you made it 98%. I made it about 20%. I had on CREAM COLORED pants as well. I did the best I could with the wipes. Thank God about 40 of the 50 in the travel pack were present. I threw my underwear away in a rest area in NC. I proceeded on my trip and took that hot bath and it was the best bath I ever had!

Cathy~longtime Montreal reader says:

OMG Heather!
I can’t stop laughing. Sorry this happened but…OMG
I love your sense of humor.
Situations like that happen to all of us ( OK maybe not all with judging Abe) we just dont talk about it.
I love it – you know what, your spirit is infectious even when talking about crapping your pants.

Katy says:

I have no idea why, but when I get really tired and/or eat a lot of sugar and sometimes dairy, I get really sick. Like bad. I get cold sweats (like dripping wet), I feel like I’m going to vomit, and I get faint/semi-conscious, all while in serious “I want to die, I seriously need to go to the hospital” pain on the toilet.
Well, when I was in college, I was in a morning class–and was very tired–and I started to feel sick. I had to walk down a long hall to get to the ladies room, and luckily the building was mostly deserted. I got half-way down the hall when I fainted. I had the trots and I fainted. Usually, you’d think losing consciousness when you had the runs would end badly. Nope. My sphincter must have shut fast and tight the moment my knees gave out, because when I came-to seconds later, I still had clean underwear. I also happened to notice in my haze that there was a dude standing at the end of the hall (the point from which I originated), just staring at this strange girl (me–duh) who was briskly walking one moment and down on the ground the next. I managed to get up and make it to the bathroom door, but I started feeling faint again. Luckily, there was an old church pew right outside the door and I made it there before I passed out again for a few seconds. Again, amazing sphincter control. I finally made it to the bathroom, but I must have passed out there too, because when I finally left the bathroom, everyone had left the classroom and my stuff was right where I left it. They HAD to know something happened, because I just left and apparently never came back.
When my roommate told this to a professor (I was missing her class that afternoon because of this incident), she said that only happened to her when she was pregnant. From that moment on, when my professor would see me with my then-boyfriend, she looked at him funny. Fortunately, he thought it was funny (the professor thinking I was pregnant part, not me passing out several times on my quest for a bathroom).
That’s the closest I’ve ever come to problems. And now, I carry Pepto-Bismal with me at all times.

rachel cortest says:

LMAO!!! I cracked up when I read this a few minutes ago. I am so happy I read it before going to sleep. I was in D.C. over the fourth for the National TCF Conference and I loved it. It was my first trip there. However, in 1974, when I was pregnant with my first child, we were living in Spain. The same thing happened to me after eating gazpacho in Segovia and taking a long winding bus drive back to Madrid. I ran up the stairs of a monument when we got back but it was more like 50% made it to the bathroom. I will NEVER forget it and when you wrote 98% I DIED laughing. I love your honesty. The pictures were awesome.

Juanita says:

Oh man- been there done that. Even my experience is like Katy’s before mine(except no fainting). I think I get it when I eat out. Probably at least 30-50% of the time I eat out.
But it makes me think…….did I get sick from what I just ate less than an hour before OR did I get sick from something that I ate the meal before and the meal I just ate helped push it down the digestive track? Because what comes out is def not what I just ate less than an hour before if you know what I mean.
Sorry for TMI.

CorningNY says:

Heather, I don’t usually comment on your posts, but this was just too hilarious. I have TOTALLY been in your shoes…but I didn’t have a blog readership to broadcast it to. Kudos for your bravery in telling the tale. Thanks!

Jill says:

Kate says:

The DAY you post this — the very DAY — as I walked across campus with a PACK of my fellow law students, in a skirt, my underwear started FALLING DOWN and all I could think, the whole time, was, “IF HEATHER SPOHR MADE IT WITHOUT, I CAN MAKE IT WITH THEM STARTING TO SLIDE DOWN MY HIPS — NO, NO, THOSE ARE MY THIGHS NOW, OKAY GIRL, CLENCH.”

Seriously.

That said, this post was HILARIOUS and I loved it. You are a trooper! Though really, who DOESN’T go commando anymore? C’mon.

That is so funny. I had a little incindent when my first was a few months old but I was at my house and it was just me and her. Thank goodness that it wasn’t out in public. My sister always calls it “pulling a Heather”.

Linds says:

reading these comments has been a revelation – apparently either your blog reaches a niche of pants-shitting women, or this happens to pretty much everyone (i think the latter is true).
i started to develop lactose intolerance in adolescence and it got worse through college until it was finally diagnosed – but it made for some strange bathroom habits. prob the worst situation i’ve been in was on a 1.5hr cab ride to the airport with extended family. i knew i was NOT going to make it. i fake gagged and pretended i needed to stop at a gas station to “throw up”. yeah, right. we were almost late for the plane. HA!

Angela says:

Seriously? I get the tummy gurgles and in my mind, on the inside where no one can hear – I’m saying ‘ooooooooooohuuuuuhhhhhhohhhhhh noooooooooo” and then I wonder if anyone can tell that I’m gripping onto the last ass muscle that will listen. I can’t talk, I can think, I can’t breathe, I can’t engage in any activity that is not directly helping the situation. I have a vision of you stopping before you get to the bathroom, and I’m thinkin’ “YES” I know THAT feeling. Where you know if you don’t stop and get a grip (or let the next wave of gurgling pass) it’s going down your leg – and in a DRESS! Mortified.

Lola says:

I too have post-gallbladder surgery stomach problems (does anyone have a disgusting bulge on their right abdomen?) and can relate to your “incident”. Reading this brings to mind two similar stories:

I was visiting my elderly mother in the hospital and decided to step out for some real food for lunch rather than going to the cafeteria. I came back to her room after a visit to Arby’s that included some curley fries, and it wasn’t long before the rumble started. I had no choice but to use the bathroom in her room, where I more or less had an “ass-plosion” that stunk to high heaven. I cleaned myself and the toilet bowl up as best I could and prayed that the smell would stay in the closed bathroom (there was no fan). Shortly after the nurse came in and said to my mom “well, I see you finally got those bowels to move today!”, to which my mom just looked at her in a confused state, and I wanted to crawl under the bed!!

Story two:

My girlfriend and I had completed a month or so on Weight Watchers and were on a girls’ weekend at the beach where we went to a delicious seafood buffet. Needless to say, we gorged ourselves on shrimp, lobster, and any other fish we could dip in butter, along with all the other standard buffet goodies. We went back to our hotel room and about an hour later we were both running for the bathroom (there was only one) and taking turns. Thank god it was both of us, so the smell wasn’t offensive to either, just the other girls who were with us, lol. Obviously, after your body has adjusted to healthy eating a trip to the greasy buffet is not a good idea!!

Inna says:

I just called my husband at work so he could hear this story! SOOO funny!! My husband has one he can top that with… He had “the rumble” when we were walking our dogs one night. He knew he had to get back home and FAST. He started to jog, not stopping to clench. He made it all the way back to our front door and pooped his pants…ON THE FRONT STEP! What makes matters worse is that he wears boxers and had on mesh shorts at the time, so there was poop ALL OVER my front step, including on my new welcome mat. He then got inside the house, took off all of his clothes in the foyer and proceeds to walk upstairs to get in the shower…GETTING POOP ON OUR NEW CARPET!!!!! I was not amused at the time and was furious with him. We also live in a townhouse that is facing another townhouse, like 25 feet away, and thankfully they weren’t out or else they would’ve seen my husband with poop all over his legs, in his shoes and all over the front step!

Yeah, know that feeling. My husband and I took the kids to a park around the time I started feeling sick. My stomach made ‘the sound’ and prepared t release its content right there. Walked quickly to the bathroom, sat down and the toilet started wobbling– like it was not bolted down or something. So instead, I hovered. Hovering while you rear explodes = very bad idea. I missed the mark. Literally. Cleaned up the best I could, pulled the pen out of my hair and wrote on some toilet paper- REALLY SORRY ABOUT THIS- and left. Oh boy. Not my finer moment…..but hey, I managed to keep my underwear

I think it’s DC not you. A very similar incident happened to me when I was interning in DC. My bf had come to visit and when we got back to my apt I realized that he had accidentally locked the bottom lock which I did not have keys for (I was subletting). I started to panic with the thought of trying to get the door open without being the official tenant and in the middle of the 2 hour wait for a locksmith my stomach started the same thing you described. The only thing nearby was a 7-11 and a restaurant. I walked as fast as I could (running was not an option) to the restaurant and blew past the host straight to the toilet. I never got to try that place, because I was so afraid everyone would know me as the girl who used the restroom without asking or buying anything. It happens to the best of us!