Beer

It’s a pure science fact that we here at Van Full of Candy do love our alcohol yum-yums. The idea of having them air lifted to our waiting drinking arms seemed like an idea that we should have had. But apparently, the FAA doesn’t approve of our completely under control lifestyle!

America is always on the forefront of snack and alcohol technologies. Whether it be new ways to inject cheese into things, finding things which can be–nay, MUST be battered in beer, or the majesty of a food stuff called “Combos,” which actually manages to somehow combine two non-food stuffs into one “edible” cylinder. Americans have always lead the way in food and beverage-based technological advancements and by the Type-2 Diabetes God, we always will!

So it came as no surprise to hear that a small enterprising micro brew beer company out of Wisconsin had made their beer fly.

The noble, brilliant, merry makers at Lakemaid Beer had a simple vision. That vision was to make it possible for the hearty ice fishing men and other men, out in the frozen wilderness to satisfy their manly thirst without having to leave their chilly ice holes, and without risking delivery personnel’s footing on the treacherous frozen lakes. And personal drones were the answer to this question that we didn’t know we had until they existed.

Unfortunately, the killjoys at the FAA have grounded Lager Air, (if only temporarily) as they review their policies regarding the use of drones for commercial practices.

“They think it’s a great idea, though they’re telling me to stop.” said Lakemaid Beer company president, Jack Supple. And really, it is. I have no doubt that we’ll be seeing Pizza Hut and Budweiser drones buzzing through the skies Super Bowl Sunday, 2015. But until then, I’ll keep tinkering away at my Gran Legacy Vodka Dirigible and Long Island Ice Tea Missile. The booze arms race is on.

People do stupid things. To be more accurate, college aged kids do stupid things. To be even more accurate, drunken, college aged kids do stupid things. I wouldn’t know, I was torn from the thigh of Zeus, fully formed, wizened beyond reason and sent here to entertain the masses with my razor sharp wit and imaginative usages of the word “cunt”. But today, two stories involving predominantly drunken, college age participants caught my eye.

A poll published in the online edition of the journal Psychology of Addictive Behaviors showed that “Drinky, yay!”

CHUG CHUG CHUG RESPONSIBLY!

This survey of “nearly 500 college students” revealed to the shock of absolutely no one, that the “positive” effects of binge drinking out weighed the “negative” effects, in their drunken eyes. Asking college students if they think partying like lunatics and fucking their brains out is worth potentially having a headache in the morning and maybe missing class and expecting them to not respond with “Woo!” is like asking anyone being punched in the face if they have ever enjoyed anything less in their entire lives and expecting them to reply with “Well, I was miserable until this face punching started.”

I personally never had a problem with binge drinking, I simply had a short period in my life where I would drink large quantities of alcohol and throw up on things. But between point A and point Blurgh, I had an excellent time, and that’s what alcohol is.

One of the authors of the report, University of Washington Professor of Psychology Kevin King said, between what had to have been a couple drinks:

“There is some kind of bias that’s happening when people experience these things. You could compare it to touching a hot stove. What we are seeing is that only when people get really burnt by their drinking are they deterred.”

And while that statement is, on one hand insane, on the other there is an element of truth to it. It’s absolutely true that drinking in excess does carry with it many potential negative effects when combined with other activities, such as improperly operating a motor vehicle or a penis. My problem with this analogy is the comparison between drinking and touching a hot stove. Drinking alcohol has many enjoyable effects along with several less desirable potential outcomes. Touching a hot stove carries with it little to no positive outcomes. If touching a hot stove responsibly and in moderation made me and those around me more entertaining and attractive, while touching it irresponsibly burned the flesh from my bones, this would be a fair comparison, but as it stands, only the latter of those two outcomes is true.

College is a place where teens go with little to no adult supervision and scant responsibility to live in close quarters with other hormonally charged young adults enjoying their new found freedoms, many of them for the first time in their lives. They are going to put things in their bodies and then put their bodies in other bodies until they’ve had their fill of that and are ready to move on to what ever’s next. Telling them that their fun might murder them will make them think twice at the first drink and giggle like a freshman who was just told she was the prettiest girl in the world by the Basketball team’s third string center after keg three.

"Why are we running?!" "BULLS!" "Ah, gotcha!"

Meanwhile, in Pamplona Spain, drunks are running in front of bulls when they absolutely don’t have to be… again. But good news! Day 1: No gorings!

That was news. That was in the headline, the excitement of no one being gored by animals that don’t belong on paved roads, running after drunken tourists who have spent money to fly half a world away to do something incredibly stupid. Everyone who gets gored and or maimed at the annual “Trampling of the Dipshits” deserves every painful stitch, itchy cast or scornful shake of the head over their casket, that they get.

This event is only made possible by drinking to excess, and when it’s cause to celebrate that no one was murdered by wild animals during your national celebration, perhaps it’s time to rethink how you spend your leisure time. But despite the inherent stupidity of this festival, it continues, seemingly unabated while practically every year someone is mutilated by angry, confused beasts running wildly through these Spanish streets, and occasionally by the bulls as well.

But just as with the drunken activities of college kids wasting their parents’ money at home, the problem with these drunken college kids wasting their parents’ money abroad is not merely consumption of alcohol, but what follows said drinking. Give two people the same amount of alcohol, have them drink it in the same amount of time, set Drunk A loose in an open field filled with pillows and Drunk B loose in an open field filled with pistols and odds are the one thrown into an already stupid situation will probably be more likely to suffer stupid consequences.

What I’m saying is, alcohol doesn’t kill people, dangerous, stupid things combined with alcohol kill people. So I guess the message I’m trying to get across with all of this is this: friends don’t let friends be cunts.

Hey, what’s up everyone, just wanted to get the live blog updatestarted with the 2011 Pre St. Patty’s Day Pubcrawl here on campus where they get things started early. So early in fact, that I’m actually already a couple of hours behind everyone else since I woke up so late after some fierce beer-pong last night. But LET’S PAAAAARTAAAAAAAY. I mean shit, tomorrow is the big Green day, so lets get our pubcrawl on!!

11:00am – O’Shannahan’s Grill

Ok, sweet, we just arrived at the kick-off bar. It’s packed in here, damn! So tradition is that you have to drink two green beers and eat two of their green hard boiled Luck O’ The Sam I Am eggs before you can leave. And if you don’t, they put green underwear over your neck that you have to wear the rest of the day as a badge of shame. And that AIN’T happening to me THIS year.

11:30am

Just finished the eggs, they were a bit dry and hard to swallow, but the beer washed it down pretty well, and I’m feeling just a little bloated. Earned my stripes and I’m off. Let’s take a look at the map here.

11:50am – Lucy’s Taqueria

I know this isn’t a traditional Irish bar, but it’s on the “crawl list” and it’s stop #2. Ok, so inside Lucy’s you’re supposed to have the “Irish Mexican”. It’s similar to an Irish Car Bomb but it has different ingredients, lets see here. It’s a pint of Dos Equis, a shot glass of Jose Cuervo, two tablespoons of green chile salsa for color and topped with Bailey’s Irish Cream and it’s served with a green quesadilla.

11:55am

Oh man, that wasn’t as good as I thought it would be. That really filled me up. Ok, but I’m good, so lets keep on doing this THANG! Whoa, just burped and it tasted like egg and sweet creamy salsa, nasty. Getting a good buzz going here though. Let’s move on. We’re goin’ til midnight, no time to puss out now.

12:00pm – McLoughlin’s Clover Pub

Alright sweet. We’re at one of the town’s oldest bars now. Just took a quick leak in the john and ready for some more shinanigans. Ok, so here at McLoughlin’s, you need to do an Irish jig with Seamus and Quinn without spilling your Black & Tan, so here goes.

12:10pm

Jesus, that was a workout and then drinking the Black and Tan, whew, I’m getting BLOOOOAted. But god damnit, lets do this the right way, buck up son, lets move on. Oh wait, I really need to belch, hang on. Go ahead, I’ll be right out.

12:40pm – Outside

Oh jeez, sorry that took so long, all that dancing really got things all stirred up in my belly. Wow, that wasn’t pretty. I’m just realizing that I’m really trashed actually, it’s like everything I smell is Irish, but everything I taste is Mexico. Ok, I’m doing better now, lets go.

12:45pm – Bengal Tiger Curry Kitchen

I’m really not too sure about this one. Hang on, it smells really strong in here I need a second.

12:50pm

I’m better now, let’s rock this shit. Alright, so I just need to pound a Green Curry Guinness Mosambi. Not so bad, it has an orange flavor to … HOLY SHIT THIS IS HOT!! God it’s boiling my intestines, is this some sort of sick joke? Oh crap I just puked on the floor, oh look it’s the eggs, cool. What do you mean get out? I just bought your sick curry bullshit and … ARRRGGGHHH ITS STILL BURNING!! Fine! I’ll leave, but I hate you!! I’m not slurring, you are.

1:00pm – Outside Sitting on Sidewalk

I don’t need your stupid help! I’M FINE!! We still have 11 hours, so come on! Move! Uggh, I fell. Where’s next? Hmmm? I’m not going to that stupid apartment, thasss for quitters! You wann me to quit? EFF YOU! See? I didn’t even cuss cuz I’m fine! Hang on gotta … oh there’s the Mexican food. Smells like curry, what the EFF? Where are we?

4:13pm – Apartment Bathroom

How’d I get to here in this, what’s the toilet? Oh hi I’m drunk! I don’t really know who got me here. Alright! Why is there underwear around my neck? Ok, well I’m much better now, so I’m gonna go back out and tell … but it’s so comfy right here. Bathroom rug, you’re so soft, I love you, you’re blue.

Hey, what’s up everyone, just wanted to get the live blog update started with the 2011 Pre St. Patty’s Day Pubcrawl here on campus where they get things started early. So early in fact, that I’m actually already a couple of hours behind everyone else since I woke up so late after some fierce beer-pong last night. But LET’S PAAAAARTAAAAAAAY. I mean shit, tomorrow is the big Green day, so lets get our pubcrawl on!!

11:00am – O’Shannahan’s Grill

Ok, sweet, we just arrived at the kick-off bar. It’s packed in here, damn! So tradition is that you have to drink two green beers and eat two of their green hard boiled Luck O’ The Sam I Am eggs before you can leave. And if you don’t, they put green underwear over your neck that you have to wear the rest of the day as a badge of shame. And that AIN’T happening to me THIS year.

11:30am

Just finished the eggs, they were a bit dry and hard to swallow, but the beer washed it down pretty well, and I’m feeling just a little bloated. Earned my stripes and I’m off. Let’s take a look at the map here.

11:50am – Lucy’s Taqueria

I know this isn’t a traditional Irish bar, but it’s on the “crawl list” and it’s stop #2. Ok, so inside Lucy’s you’re supposed to have the “Irish Mexican”. It’s similar to an Irish Car Bomb but it has different ingredients, lets see here. It’s a pint of Dos Equis, a shot glass of Jose Cuervo, two tablespoons of green chile salsa for color and topped with Bailey’s Irish Cream and it’s served with a green quesadilla.

11:55am

Oh man, that wasn’t as good as I thought it would be. That really filled me up. Ok, but I’m good, so lets keep on doing this THANG! Whoa, just burped and it tasted like egg and sweet creamy salsa, nasty. Getting a good buzz going here though. Let’s move on. We’re goin’ til midnight, no time to puss out now.

12:00pm – McLoughlin’s Clover Pub

Alright sweet. We’re at one of the town’s oldest bars now. Just took a quick leak in the john and ready for some more shinanigans. Ok, so here at McLoughlin’s, you need to do an Irish jig with Seamus and Quinn without spilling your Black & Tan, so here goes.

12:10pm

Jesus, that was a workout and then drinking the Black and Tan, whew, I’m getting BLOOOOAted. But god damnit, lets do this the right way, buck up son, lets move on. Oh wait, I really need to belch, hang on. Go ahead, I’ll be right out.

12:40pm – Outside

Oh jeez, sorry that took so long, all that dancing really got things all stirred up in my belly. Wow, that wasn’t pretty. I’m just realizing that I’m really trashed actually, it’s like everything I smell is Irish, but everything I taste is Mexico. Ok, I’m doing better now, lets go.

12:45pm – Bengal Tiger Curry Kitchen

I’m really not too sure about this one. Hang on, it smells really strong in here I need a second.

12:50pm

I’m better now, let’s rock this shit. Alright, so I just need to pound a Green Curry Guinness Mosambi. Not so bad, it has an orange flavor to … HOLY SHIT THIS IS HOT!! God it’s boiling my intestines, is this some sort of sick joke? Oh crap I just puked on the floor, oh look it’s the eggs, cool. What do you mean get out? I just bought your sick curry bullshit and … ARRRGGGHHH ITS STILL BURNING!! Fine! I’ll leave, but I hate you!! I’m not slurring, you are.

1:00pm – Outside Sitting on Sidewalk

I don’t need your stupid help! I’M FINE!! We still have 11 hours, so come on! Move! Uggh, I fell. Where’s next? Hmmm? I’m not going to that stupid apartment, thasss for quitters! You wann me to quit? EFF YOU! See? I didn’t even cuss cuz I’m fine! Hang on gotta … oh there’s the Mexican food. Smells like curry, what the EFF? Where are we?

4:13pm – Apartment Bathroom

How’d I get to here in this, what’s the toilet? Oh hi I’m drunk! I don’t really know who got me here. Alright! Why is there underwear around my neck? Ok, well I’m much better now, so I’m gonna go back out and tell … but it’s so comfy right here. Bathroom rug, you’re so soft, I love you, you’re blue.

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Van Full of Candy only encourages you to climb aboard metaphorical vans for the sole purpose of humorous content. Any embarking upon physical vans, existing in a three dimensional space is to be done with the foreknowledge that you will almost certainly be molested therein. But if that's your thing, enjoy the ride...