Category: Common

I think Auntie Maxine likes it! This was one red carpet that wasn’t a hot mess. Tracee Ellis Ross usually has “Best Dressed” on lock at just about any awards show she attends. However, come time for the NAACP Image Awards, she’s got some stiff competition. The attendees of this year’s awards did not come to play and Tracee’s outfit faded into the background. That’s because the red carpet was on fire!

Actors hungry for that Oscar prepared for hustling season last night by Spanx-ing up their bodies, saying goodbye to real food for a couple of months and gargling with lemon-infused hot water so their voices are moistened up enough for them to talk, talk and talk about how much they suffered while playing the role they should win all the awards for. Of course I’m not lumping Laurie Metcalf with those actors. She doesn’t have to do all that shit, because she’s Laurie Fucking Metcalf and if she wants respect, all she has to do is say, “I played Aunt Jackie in Roseanne.”

Laurie Metcalf was there to honor her Lady Birdco-star Saoirse Ronan with the Desert Palm Achievement Award, Actress. We already knew this, but Aunt Jackie is a saint. I mean, she showed up to an award show to give someone else a trophy instead of getting one. A 20-year-old model is probably trapped under a passed out Leonardo DiCaprio right now, because he fainted over the thought of that.

Not only did Laurie Metcalf show up to honor someone else, but she brought the glamour too by wearing what a 90s Taco Bell would wear if it was turned into a human and became the leader of a new age cult.

Here’s more from last night, and you can stop after Suzanne Somers, because the star power and glamour does downhill from there.

When I saw Alicia Vikander (now Academy Award Winner Alicia Vikander) stroll down the red carpet last night, it gave me a massive nostalgia high. A lot of people probably did, thanks to Alicia’s Beauty and the Beastrealness. But gazing upon that pale yellow poofy Louis Vuitton dress instantly whooshed me back to memories of playing a game called Beautiful Lady in my childhood bedroom. The rules of Beautiful Lady were simple: look like a beautiful lady. Usually I would play it safe and throw on a Dress n’ Dazzle3-in-1 Glamour Gown and my exquisite Burger King ThunderCats ring. But if I wanted to look extra beautiful, I’d pull the fitted sheet off my bed and make a stunning ballgown.

I liked to use the fitted sheet because it was far more glamorous and show-stopping than the flat sheet. It puffed out at the bottom, and as everyone knew in the 80s, puffy = instant sophistication. It was dead easy – I’d just wrap it around my waist and fasten it with a banana clip. Then I’d throw on my “wig” (a pair of black nylons) and wait for the flattery to roll in. Alicia clearly knows that Beautiful Lady is always the look, because she made sure to pair her bedsheet dress with flat-on-top/long-in-the-back hair too. Although I don’t think her jewelry came from Burger King. If I had to guess, it’s probably some cheap crap from Harry Winston or something.

Alicia wasn’t the only one who was giving me flashbacks to my homemade fashion years. Kate Winslet also took me for a walk down memory lane.

According to People, random’s newest couple might be Ruth Stoops and the voice behind the first ringtone I bought for my Samsung Gravity (which my broke ass totally pretended was a T-Mobile Sidekick). People says Laura Dern and Common were photographed leaving a restaurant in Beverly Hills on Wednesday, and it wasn’t because they both happened to walk up to the valet stand at the same time. It was because they were on a date! I know, I really should have lead with a warning about how you might want to open a window to let out all the steam coming off this super-hot story.

Nothing else is known about Laura Dern and Common’s date, so it’s really too early to guess whether or not they’re humping. But I’m going to go ahead and guess anyway, because Laura Dern and Common are two fine peas in a sexy pod, and it would be a crime not to picture the two of them humping.

It’s also a mystery how these two met. Maybe Common was a huge Enlightened fan and this is all part of some weird fantasy to get nasty with that dizzy bitch Amy Jellicoe? That’s got to be it.

At the very least we know the date probably wasn’t a fucking disaster, otherwise they wouldn’t both be smiling. It would have been all kinds of awkward if Laura Dern was photographed reading her cellphone as they were leaving. Nothing says “Yeah, we’re done here” like whipping out your phone and scrolling through emails.