Story Time: HELICOPTER MAN POUNDS BILLIONAIRE DINOSAUR ASS Chapter 2

Naturally, when my colleagues saw it on my screen they all wanted to read it. We agreed to have Story Time at 3pm three days a week (one of us is part time) and enjoy Mr Tingle’s book.

Yesterday we finished Chapter 2.

Chapter 2

John goes to work at Buttcorp, a government research company experimenting with nanotechnology. When I read out ‘Buttcorp’ I can’t help doing it in a kind of explosive run of hard consonants reminiscent of a “why me?” speech after a dodgy curry.

BUTTCORP’s latest project is to give humans the ability to turn into handsome helicopters.

Unfortunately, John can’t get into work and to his Very Important Meeting. His security card no longer works and he didn’t receive the email with new security instructions. I feel his pain–I like getting all-staff emails because somebody inevitably replies to all 110 of us to say something like “ok” and then there’s 25 replies ripping the shit out of him or her for the next three days.

But Donald got the BUTTCORP email. Donald is handsomer than John, more successful, and isn’t seen as as a loser because he isn’t averse to fucking billionaire dinosaurs. Like their boss, T-rex Dr Cobbler.

We don’t like Donald.

After arriving late for the meeting and being scolded by hottie Dr Cobbler, John is sent to Lab Seventeen for a new keycard. He spends the journey helpfully lecturing the reader about nanotechnology. The science is highly inaccurate.

When he arrives at Lab Seventeen John realises it’s way above his security clearance and Dr Cobbler meant Lab Seven. If anyone catches him here, his job at BUTTCORP is on the line. But it’s too late: he hears someone coming!!!!! *tense music*

John hides. The approaching people turn out to be two maintenance guys installing new security hardware. They have a discussion about the awful effects of Project Handsome Helicopter–it’s being tested on mice, and the poor mice have been contorted into awful shapes before dying. As a Helicopter (?) one of the maintenance men is very upset and the other is angry at him for crying while they’re supposed to be working.

The discussion includes the line “It’s my ass on the line.” and I can’t help but read out “It’s my ass on the line and I do not want a cock up.” even though the book didn’t actually say that. Sorry, author Chris Tingle.

The maintenance men leave.

John accidentally kicks something when coming out from his hiding place. He’s trapped in a metal box and the room lights up and starts making noises.

We think we know what’s about to happen.

John is about to become a handsome helicopter.

—

Our reactions today:

Lola: “When do we get to the good stuff? The dinosaur porn?”

Henry: “I wasn’t really listening.”

Ivor: “I didn’t see that twist coming!”

David: “Uh… I don’t know… I’m exasperated.”

John: “We’re getting in deep now.”

Mysha: “It’s getting more interesting.”

Me: “This makes it worth coming to work.”

Stay tuned for Chapter 3. We had a sneak peek ahead (mostly for Lola who is very eager for the sex scene) and it looks like it’s not only a twist that’s coming. Look forward to that.