Year 12 Dance: A+ It was all about the dancing this week. Ja'mie might struggle with verbal expression, but when allowed to express herself purely with her body, she can still soar above the common crowd. Prancing and lurching around the rehearsal room like a sexually ambiguous duck on acid, flapping her elbows and bouncing startled-cat style off the floor in an attempt to represent the hardships of the Third World, Ja'mie electrified her audience. She made a poignant political point while also showing her innate sense of rhythm and astounding ability to wring every last shred of emotion out of her breasts. Her grace and fluidity of movement was almost lifelike.

Later, Ja'mie performs a spectacular mating dance for the object of her affections, trotting around the bewildered beau in his seat with her school dress open. By sitting in his lap, giving herself a good rubbing down, and most memorably, hurling her pelvis at him in a violently erotic and calculated exhibition of crotchcraft, she certainly applied herself to set pulses racing. This raunchier side of Ja'mie was as stimulating as it was nauseating, giving us all a truly touching insight into what it's like to be young and in love and in heat, and insane and trying to decapitate a teenage boy with your genitals.

Ja'mie King needs to focus on a humorous storyline more than just the boys.

There's something spectacular about Ja'mie when she's dancing. It's like the very concept of “grotesque” made whirling, gyrating flesh.

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Application for One-Liner Scholarship: “Because I'll be in Africa, I'm thinking I won't be eating much food, so if I do, like, the portfolio photo shoot I'll be looking really hot” – Ja'mie can still deliver a killer summation of her priorities. She outlines her commendable plan to multitask when on her gap year; efficiently combining her charity work with her modelling career so as to save time.

Straight to One-Liner Detention: “Boys hate it when you're fake” – cut to Ja'mie being fake. Get it? GET IT? Yeah we got it.

So grotesque it's "quiche": Ja'mie really applies herself to dance.

Peer Interaction: There was little for Ja'mie's schoolmates and teachers to do this week besides stare blankly at her and shout “quiche” and “hot” as often as necessary to make the dialogue difficult to follow. As such it's difficult to single out the best contribution from a non-Ja'mie character this week: possibly when the blonde girl said, “so hot”, or when the other blonde girl said, “so quiche”. Or when the boy from the boys' school said, “Yeah”.

Overall Conduct: This week Ja'mie behaved appallingly, and then behaved appallingly a bit more. She said something about a party, then something about hating Asians, then she did the dancing, and then she sang a song, then she abused some younger girls, and then more dancing. There was a lot of swearing and little to no actual narrative, but then that's Ja'mie for you – she epitomises the experience of the affluent 21st-century Westerner: everyone is awful and nothing ever happens.

Final Grade: C+ Ja'mie, frankly, has a lot to work on if she wants to live up to the potential she showed in previous years. With final exams looming, she might, for a start, want to include a few more jokes. Of course, jokes aren't really the point – it's a verite character study, right? All the humour comes from character rather than one-liners. But with a character this shallow and devoid of soul, and particularly given the absence of supporting characters with discernible personalities, it might be a good idea for the young lady to slip in a few zingers.

The highlights come when Ja'mie is putting her whole body into the performance, rather than the lengthy scenes of schoolgirls yammering over the top of each other. Perhaps this gift for physical comedy could be further explored.

It might also be time to revise the policy of casting non-actors, given how many interactions between Ja'mie and other characters put one in mind of Pinocchio before he came to life. There are times when amateurs bring forth astonishingly naturalistic performances, and there are times when they perform like logs, or deers in headlights. Private School Girl is definitely swinging in one direction more than another.

More than anything, maybe Ja'mie might want to let us in on what the show is actually supposed to be about, beyond a laundry list of her personality disorders. The story of Ja'mie King might be a lot more enjoyable if we were let in on what the story actually is.

144 comments

i love her bitch sister. the irony is unbelievable

Commenter

Polly hannah

Location

marrickville

Date and time

October 31, 2013, 10:17AM

What about Ja'mie's South African parents? I thought that was pushing it too far.

Commenter

JulianP

Location

Toorak

Date and time

October 31, 2013, 11:22AM

That's one of the funniest aspects of the show.

Commenter

Reality Check

Location

Date and time

October 31, 2013, 12:37PM

You would need to pop something foreign in..........Australian humour just isn't funny!

And saffas are known for driving irony to the edge!

Commenter

Hugbug

Location

BNE

Date and time

October 31, 2013, 1:13PM

At what point do you stop being satirical and simply become stereotypical and racist?Just askin'!

Commenter

Jo

Location

Date and time

October 31, 2013, 1:43PM

Yet more puerile dumbing-down from the ABC (along with the Chaser crew) which puts out the same tired repetitve rubbish, year on year. Four channels of complete dross. The ABC is past its sell-by date and if it doesn't improve its game very soon, should be put out of its misery. I never thought I would have to say that about the national broadcaster but frankly, its quality standards are fourth-rate. Bring back Jonathan Sher. Time for a complete clean-out in an organisation which looks past it.

Commenter

John

Location

Sydney

Date and time

October 31, 2013, 3:23PM

Xenophobic, maybe?

If satire is meant to reflect reality, that reflects the view of the hegemony on this continental island no doubt!

Surely you only reserve pass-ag for your greatest competitor?

Hhhmmmmm......a bit like sledging on the cricket pitch.........?

It devolves to mindgames when the skills to win aren't there.

Commenter

Hugbug

Location

BNE

Date and time

October 31, 2013, 3:54PM

All private girls' school require students to have their hair tied back neatly with regulation school ribbon. I'm finding the hair flicking in this show very irritating.

Commenter

Peach

Date and time

October 31, 2013, 4:43PM

Oh well John. Maybe you should just stick to watching A Current Affair and the other quality programs that masquerade as news on the commercial stations. Enjoy