Loyal's Thoughts

Any temptation to keep the mice were gone when this morning I went to release them and boy howdy did they stink something awful! (dont worry I did still release them) I'd forgotten how much worse mice stink compared to rats (and how much faster too!)

Any temptation to keep the mice were gone when this morning I went to release them and boy howdy did they stink something awful! (dont worry I did still release them) I'd forgotten how much worse mice stink compared to rats (and how much faster too!)

Whelp, there is that too.

Good on ya for releasing! Although it takes a bit more work than the traps that kill, it's much more humane.

Ok so yesterday I posted off a bunch of xmas cards, and with an uncharacteristic amount of speed Australia Post actually delivered some today!
Now in the cards to my family I included these scratchie tickets... (plot twist time) however these are gag scratchies that say you have won $50,000 or a similar amount, then on the back you get sassed by being told that the claim forms are from Santa and verified by the tooth fairy and things like that... So its generally clear after reading that you've gotten a gag scratchie...

However (Here comes the good bit), my mother being deaf has poor english and grammar skills. So she hasnt understood the back and instead thinks she has won $50,000 and will be picking me up on thursday to go to the newsagency to claim her $50,000!!

Its that time again. This year marks 6 years since she died.
6 years on and it never stops hurting. You deserved so much more, and this world is so much colder, so much darker without you.
You were loved.
You are loved.
You will always be loved.

Grief never stops, but some days its so much harder to live with. Its like you've been punched in the chest so hard its left a gaping hole, that aches around its edges, and you cant breathe coz you're screaming with everything you have but no sound comes out. All the while you feel like you're falling and never going to land on solid ground, almost like when you miss a step on the stairs and for that fleeting second you lose all sense of stability. Its knowing she's gone, knowing you'll never see her again, but always searching for her, always feeling echoes of her, a part of you always hoping... And in the end that makes it so much worse, the hope makes you relive the moment you lost them over and over again.

And somehow, you still have to keep going... you have to keep existing... thats the cruelest part

Grief never stops, but some days its so much harder to live with. Its like you've been punched in the chest so hard its left a gaping hole, that aches around its edges, and you cant breathe coz you're screaming with everything you have but no sound comes out. All the while you feel like you're falling and never going to land on solid ground, almost like when you miss a step on the stairs and for that fleeting second you lose all sense of stability. Its knowing she's gone, knowing you'll never see her again, but always searching for her, always feeling echoes of her, a part of you always hoping... And in the end that makes it so much worse, the hope makes you relive the moment you lost them over and over again.

And somehow, you still have to keep going... you have to keep existing... thats the cruelest part

I'm sorry you are going through so much pain man. I wish I had words to comfort you because the way you worded this post resonated with me for different reasons. I couldn't agree with you more when you said towards the end that to be forced to keep existing is truly the cruelest part when you are suffering a lot. Again I wish I had something to say that can help in some way, but I unfortunately have nothing

I'm doing much better today, its always a crappy time of the year, and Im sure I'll have a few more bad days when the anniversary of the funeral comes up. But for now Im focusng on today having been a good day...

Despite the disgusting heat (42 Celsius! Which is 107.6 Fahrenheit for those who arent on the Celsius measurements) today went well. I washed my dogs after I woke up, partly coz they were due for a wash and partly coz it was so damn hot they needed a cool down (One proceeded to somehow find mud to dirty her feet in not long after her bath, which Im resigned to but its impressive she managed to find any mud). After washing them I had to clean the bathroom coz they leave a trail of destruction in their wake , once all that was done though I went out and finished my xmas shopping... Well most of it, I forgot a couple small things but essentially it is all done (I even wrapped it all! and my back hates me for it ).

All in all a productive day

The Following User Says Thank You to LoyalXenite For This Useful Post:

I felt rather sick when I woke up. I had a splitting migraine and ended up throwing up, but I had to go out coz when I bought dog biscuits i got double charged by accident. So after throwing up I felt ok enough to go out and I figured if I was quick I'd be ok... Getting my refund went fine, then I had to quickly duck out to the post office to send xmas gifts (I was already late as all hell with sending them)... I get there and start writing out the addresses on the packages and I feel the nausea rising and im like shit, so Im holding a tissue to my mouth trying to steady myself enough to finish writing so I can go hurl (movement makes the nausea worse so I was trying to not move at all). This very nice woman across the desk from me (at the ones where you write addresses and such) is asking me if Im ok, Im trying to say yes but instead I projectile vomit all over myself, the floor, the desk and this poor woman. I was mortified but also shaking from the vomiting and covered in vomit so I was stunned as all hell and froze up for a solid minute, then im getting my tissues out trying to clean up... it was horrible. The manager at the post office was really nice and helped clean up and then helped me finish doing the addresses (even threw out the one package I was writing on coz it was soiled, and she didnt charge me for it!). The woman I spewed on went to clean up and buy a new shirt and then came back to finish her stuff (she had to redo her paperwork coz I'd hurled all over them), I offered to pay for her shirt and apologized every few seconds, but she was really nice about it (thankfully) she said how she has kids and it happens and was just really kind to me. Then the manager served me ahead of the (quite long) line after I paid (a solid $20 more than I anticipated too) I practically ran to my car where I proceeded to cry all the way home and until I was in the shower ...

So ****ing embarrassed and disgusted with what happened. Idk if Im sick or its because I havent been sleeping with the heat lately... in the past week I'd gotten like 10 hours sleep all up until last night where I finally got 8 hours in one go, so maybe my body was trying to process it all... I still feel shakey and odd, after my shower I ended up falling asleep on dads couch for about 3 and a half hours, which was good coz I felt like I was gonna hurl again... I hope it goes away because I dont have time to get sick over the next few days..

Been feeling tired as all hell the last few days, been going to my mates place to feed and walk her pets while her and her fam are away for a week and a bit on holiday.. going out everyday is so draining, then the walking the dogs up and down all those hills

Sometimes I wish it was legal to hit a kid... I spend ages (literally like 10 hours) making miniature bricks to make these rolling trays for d&d... and the neighbors kid came over and was her usual rude and obnoxious self!! Not only did she knock over and ruin the very carefully made brick walls (which were in the drying stage, they still needed another 24 hours before I could glue them into place) but in the process one brick got lost, so not only do I have to try and figure out how the bricks fit together (coz they were all individually made and so only fit together neatly in one way) but I had to make a new brick to fit the gap but I cant know what size to make it without fixing the wall, but to fix the wall I need the bricks in their proper place which could take hours of rearranging...

She literally came in, complained that I had rearranged my place and not waited for her so she could "help", then proceeded to stomp all over my clean washing with her filthy bare feet (which was on my chair, and she knew it was clean washing), she also completely ignored me telling her not to touch my board games (they are all organized and in place and I spent a solid 14 hours reorganizing and cleaning my place the other day so I want it to stay nice for as long as possible)... she grabbed a magic 8 ball that I have with my board games and I said dont touch it put it back she ignored that and tried to hold it out of my reach, I manage to get it off her at which point she "accidentally" knocks the bricks over (She knocked them over several times so three out of the four walls on that tray got jumbled and are looking terrible because its hard to know how it went... by that point I told her off and told her to not touch anything... She then says "I feel like its partially my fault"... boy did that make me snap.. I ended up yelling at her, telling her it was entirely her fault, she was being rude and disrespectful and I had told her not to touch my ****ing stuff... Im still so mad at her... its been like 6 hours and Im still furious...

I spent so many hours making those bricks, and its not often that Im proud of something I create... Im usually my harshest critic and I tend to hate what I make.. But these trays... I was so damn proud of them... now one of them is going to look so crap... I hate disrespectful kids...

Here's an example of one of the trays... I had to wait 48 hours for the clay to dry before I can glue them into place or paint them.. I plan to add in some faux grass and flowers against the wall for a splash of color and character (but where it wont get in the way of the rolling)

They might not look like much, but I put a lot of time and effort into them and I was proud of them...

Been on a stress rollercoaster the last couple of weeks. Money worries getting me down, then unexpected money coming early helped, then car rego coming in and costing more than I remembered... got other money come in unexpectedly... then realizing how little it actually helps with how much crap I gotta pay in such a short time... been on a cycle of that happening.. Stress..oh yay.. oh wait...stress... on and on on repeat

I know theres that whole money cant buy you happiness saying.. but damn its gotta help on the stress front... I'd rather live with my mental health issues forever and be financially stable than be poor and mentally healthy... might be an unpopular opinion there but I've always been on the poor end of society, in varied degrees, and as shitty as mental health issues are, I am used to living with them... It wouldnt fix things. But it really must help...

The Following User Says Thank You to LoyalXenite For This Useful Post:

I have just over 3 weeks left of uni holidays. I feel like I really want to get some big things done in the remaining time, but I dont know to do, whenever I think of anything I just dont do it... I feel like I really want to have the motivation to do something, but I dont actually have the motivation... Its making it rather frustrating..

On a more positive note I had a really good day a couple days ago won a competition I'd forgotten I'd entered. I won two tickets to a sound of music sing a long at a theatre in sydney, as well as the dvd and the book. I also decided to plug in my harddrive, partially reassembled. It had been damaged in the break in a few years ago and I hadnt been able to get it to work, it has years of photos and important files on it that I'd just about given up on ever getting back (Id been quoted between $100 and over $1000 to get the data extracted and put onto a new harddrive -the quotes didnt include the price of a new harddrive!). I dont know what nostalgic hopefullness possessed me to put it partially back together and plug it in, but I did and by some weird luck it actually worked. I've managed to get all those photos and files off the harddrive and safely stored. The harddrive seems to be working in its current state so I've actually copied everything I wanted off it, and am able to use the stuff I didnt have the space to copy over!