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9.04.2015

let's pretend we're bunny rabbits.

we were in a trial relationship; it started last week. it was my idea. he wanted a relationship. i had never done that. i didn't want to just acquiesce like that. so i figured i'd be okay with giving up my freedom for a week. after all, we spent almost every day together and talked all the time when we weren't hanging out together. plus he assured me that nothing would really change. we'd be doing the same things we were already doing. alright, i thought. i can do this.

about two days in, i started freaking out. monogamy wasn't a village i was familiar with. i was more acquainted with the bustling metropolis of polyamory. actually, i was part of the free love suburb just a few miles from the city's center, but it was close enough. so the first few days, i had to actively remind myself that i couldn't go chasing squirrels. i even called esmeralda to ask her about monogamy. you're used to cliffs and mountainsides. now you're in a field of flowers. it's not bad, it's just different. try to enjoy it. that made as much sense as anything else did, so i kept that in mind. days passed. i messed up once or twice-- at one point, i found myself making out with his older brother in their basement while he was upstairs--but i realized those things hurt him. and for some weird reason, i actually cared. so i didn't make those mistakes again. it was working out. then i realized that days had passed and the trial week only had one day left.

the last day, i called him, early in the morning. i didn't want my decision to be influenced by-- well, for lack of a better way to put it-- him. i beat around the bush for a little over an hour. patient as ever, he listened and even tried to help me make up my mind. list the pros and cons of yes and no, he said. take your time. i did just that. it sounds like you're really leaning toward no, he finally said. i just don't want to burden you with me, you know? i don't want you to have to deal with me. so i guess i'll have to say no. fine. that's fine, he said. and then we hung up.

less than ten minutes later, i called back, anxiety tensing my muscles. umm, is it too late to change my answer? he laughed. he knew i'd call back.
love is very selfish sort of thing, if it's coming from me. i like being the person he shares secrets with. i like having him rest his head on my lap. i like the way he slips up behind me and gives me hugs when i'm not paying attention. i like that we can seamlessly switch from playing mortal kombat to discussing the bones in the body. i like cradling his head in my arms when he needs a moment.

i don't want anyone else to have him. even if that means i can't have anyone else. (look at me, trying to be nonchalant about this.)

3 comments:

you're back!!!!!!!!!! :) :) :D :D :D :)And I'm so happy you're spending time with someone you love! That's such wonderful news. As your friend said, relax and enjoy the ride. It sounds like you guys have something easy and comfortable, and that is something rare indeed. <3 <3 <3

Aww, I love this. I love that you called him back. I love that you've found someone who makes you so happy. I think it's a powerful thing that you don't want anyone else to have him, even if it means giving up the familiarity of polyamory.

Sweet girl, lovely thing. Been a while. I'm here but not-here, back only temporarily - I'm posting some writing to a new site / blog and I'd love to have you over there, if you will. I'm losing the anonymity there, so email me at bella_bee45@hotmail.com if you'd like the link and I'll write you the details. I hope you're doing well, I really do. I've missed you.