that nagging voice in my head!

You know that nagging voice inside your head? The one that never goes away. Well,it NEVER goes away.

I feel like writing nonsense.

The wind was strong and the rain had stopped. Sunlight crept behind the clouds. Little rays of light illuminates the ground here and there. She was sitting on a bench in a park near the broken fountain. She felt cold but then again,it always is. It has been a month since he left. Maybe if he left because he cheated,she could hate him. And then it would be OK. Or maybe if he left because it's just not working out anymore,she could find someone else,even better! Or maybe.. if he left just because,maybe she could still glance his way. See him smile. They could even still be 'just' friends. She can still hear him and still stand by him laughing away. But why.. does it hurt? It hurts so much that she couldnt seem to open her eyes. Tears keep spilling,trickling down her cold cheeks. And words that she can only utter are "Why?" or "Please" or "Come" or "Back".

My name is Ariel. I am the girl sitting on the bench. Unable to comprehend that a certain someone I loved. No,a person that I love is gone. Dead. Some say "He's gone to a better place." And some say "God loves him,that's why He wants him back earlier than we thought". Is it a better place? Where I am not there? Where the people that loves him are not there? Is it a better place than here? With me. Dont I love him too? Everything is too sudden. Even after a month. It is still sinking in. I can still remember that night.

----Flashback----I think there were signs on the night before our 3 year anniversary,he was feeling uneasy for no particular reason but who would notice? Not even me. And it had to happen on the day itself?

The phone rang. I waited a while before picking up. He was acting weirdly at college today. Serves him right for ignoring me the whole day. "Hello?" I said while writing some notes in my notepad. "Ariel? It's me." Ryan said. "Oh hey. What's up?" I said nonchalantly. "Sorry about today,I don't feel well." He said apologetically. He did looked pale today. Maybe he IS sick? Feeling guilty for making a big deal of nothing,I toned my attitude down."Are you okay?"."Im fine. Im just feeling.. a bit off ya know?"."Do you want me to come over?""Naah. I'll be fine. I wanted to ask.. what do you want to do tomorrow?"I laughed."Come on. What's so funny? Fine. If you dont want to.""NO.. no Ryan. Im glad you even remember." I smiled to myself. He never cared. So why now? Oh well. You cant complain right,when someone has good intentions."So.. Anything in mind?""Yeah. Suprise me.""What? How the hell am I suppose to do that? We're planning now right?""Oh come on. Just think of something!""Oh.. Okay then. No complaining ok?""No complains." By this time,I was already smiling from ear to ear. But it felt odd. Why now?"Hey Ryan?""Yeah?""Why do you want to anyway? I didnt know you cared.""I dont know. It's just a nagging feeling. I want to. Is it okay?""It is. Im happy.""Me too.""Are you smiling that stupid smile of yours,Ryan?""Haha. You! One of these days you wont get to see this smile anymore. Then too bad! HA!""But! Im happy. Im smiling that stupid smile of yours.""Im smiling that stupid smile of mine."

We hung up and I felt elated. Euphoria. I'm not sure if this is the word im searching for. But i'll settle for it right now. Because the feeling of 'excessive or exaggerated feeling of happiness' is just what I am feeling right now.

The next day was a blur. I didnt see him much in college. Just that he came to my class and told me he's picking me up at 8pm. And that I should be ready by then. He looked paler than ever. When I asked he just said I'm overreacting and that he's fine.

When I went back home,I took a long bath. Shaved my legs. Wore conditioner. Brushed my teeth and plucked my eyebrows. Settled on a white knee length dress,minimum make-up,and loose hair. It was around 7.40 pm at the time. I still had time. So,I sat on the bed reading War And Peace by Tolstoy.

After a while,I glanced at the clock and was shocked to see that it was already 8.30pm. Where is he? I thought. I checked my phone to see if there was any missed calls.

There was none.

I dialed Ryan's number and it reaches the mailbox. I left a message asking where he was and figured something came up and that he's going to be late. Maybe this is the surprise? That he's late. Or he's not coming at all. I grinned. That jerk. He's going to get a punch from me if he dare comes later than 15 minutes from now. I walked towards the kitchen to get something to drink. I wonder what he's up to? Thinking of him trying hard to surprise me,it made me realize how long we had been together. Oh well,we still have a long journey together. Hey Ryan? You're going to have to put up with me for a very long time because no matter what,im going to fight for us. For our love. I love you.

"Ahaha. Maybe I should tell him that tonight!" I said to myself. Just then the doorbell rang. I quickly walked towards the door anticipating to see Ryan. "Ariel?" Josh,one of Ryan friends,was at the door looking disheveled. "Josh! Why? What's wrong?" I asked worriedly. I didnt think it was because of Ryan but I thought wrong. Oh how I wished I was wrong.

"It's Ryan. Ariel.. Ryan..""Ryan? Where's Ryan?""He's.. He's.. Ryan.. He's..""Josh! Spit it out!""Ryan.. he was getting ready. He was. Then we were playing around. He looked unhappy you know? We were trying to cheer him up. Playing around. Since it's his first time celebrating an anniversary with you. He was happy. I think he was. He sounded happy. Yeah. He was. Ryan..""What the fuck are you talking about? Cut to the point!""Oh yeah. He drove off. We were in another car going for dinner. At the turn point. Near the traffic light? We saw his car. Smashed. He was in an accident! We went there. There were alot of blood. The ambulance came. His car.. OH GOD. His car. Ryan-"At that time. I couldnt think of anything. Never had I felt so blank and helpless. So.. helpless. I rushed inside and grabbed my purse and pulled Josh to his car."GET ME TO RYAN. NOW!"All I could think of was how the seconds was like hours. The minutes was like days. The sounds around me.. sounded alot like static. Everything was a blur. It felt unreal. My head was pounding with thoughts. "Is he okay?" "Alot of blood.. Is he okay?" "He'll be fine.. He'll be fine.. He'll be fine."

Tears rolled down unnoticed. Words of encouragement and console sounded so distant. After minutes that felt like days,we reached the hospital that the ambulance had taken Ryan to. A few of his friends was already there,looking on at the closed doors of the Emergency Room. They turned around when they heard our hurried footsteps. "Ariel!" Chase said coming towards me. "They said.. The doctors said they'll try their best--" he stopped. Looked around at the others and his gaze fell to the floor. "They said.. They'll try their best but.. we have to prepare ourselves." Those words felt like it sliced open a wound that was so severe that I crumbled and broke in tears. "They better try their best! Or I'll kick their asses. He better be alive! That jerk. He cannot leave me here alone!" At that time all of them crowded around me and all of us just wanted one thing. For Ryan to be ok.

An hour passed. I called his parents and they said they are coming right away and that I should take care of things while they're still on the way. My friends had also came by this time to accompany me and to offer help. No one came out from the ER to offer us news. We paced around,drank coffees and I had to take care of some paperworks that the hospital required. I felt worn out but I anticipate any news that would come. It was so frustrating that no one cared enough to come out and tell us what's going on.

Two hours passed. The doors to the Emergency Room suddenly opened and 2 person came out. Ryan's friends rushed towards the two doctors and started asking questions. I walked slowly towards them and hoped so much that they will tell me what I've wanted to hear.

"Is Ryan OK?" Josh asked.The doctors pulled off their gloves and the one on the left looked at Josh and us."I am very sorry. We tried our best. He was losing too much blood. His injuries were very severe. His heart just gave out. I am very sorry..Is there any family members? We have to have family approval to let anyone see the body. "At that time. Nothing mattered anymore. He's dead. Ryan's dead. Ryan.. he's gone. He's never coming back. I felt like crying but the tears never came. I felt numb. I couldnt even move. Let alone say something. From now on. I can never get to see that 'stupid smile' anymore.

It was cold. It didnt rain that day but it was a very cold night. The air was thick. The night was illuminated by the full moon. At nearly 4am, I was sitting in a swing in a playground near my house. A bouquet of roses on the ground near my feet. An unopened letter on my hand. The wind kept blowing. My hair tickling my face. Eyes swelling from all the crying. His parents looked broken. His younger siblings looked so lost. After his parents came,I could go in and see him. I can never forget how he looked. Bruised and bloodied. I hugged him and said my goodbyes. Stayed around for a while until his parents said that I should go home,have some rest and come for the funeral tomorrow. As reluctant as I was,I knew that I couldn't do anything more. The police came to talk to his parents about what happened. His parents called me and asked me to listen to it too. It seemed that a drunk truck driver didnt notice his car and when he did,it was already too late. The man was charged with manslaughter and driving under influence(DUI). I wanted to feel angry,but I was too exhausted. Chase called after me when I was about to walk out from the hospital. I turned around to see him running towards me.

"What's going on?""I want to show you something. I mean. I want to give you something. Wait,I think there's something you should know""What are you talking about?"Chase pulled me towards his car and opened the backseat door. He hid something behind him and faced me."Before the ambulance came. He was conscious for a while. Well,we were trying to keep him conscious.""Ryan..?""Yeah. He told me to get something in the car. It wasnt easy but he wanted me to,so I did.""Chase! What is it?"Chase slowly showed what he was hiding. A bouquet of white roses in one hand and a letter in another.

So here I am. Sitting on the swing. With an unopened letter in my hand. Contemplating on whether I should open it or not. I looked down at the bouquet of roses on the ground. Some are battered and some are even stained with specks of blood. I closed my eyes and imagined him buying the roses and writing the letter. He must have felt weird. He must have had that stupid smile on his face. The one that I can never see again. I sighed.

I decided to just read the letter. I should. ----------------------------

End.

Agh. Crap. Do you want to know what the letter says? How come whatever i type comes out trashy. Should be crumpled and thrown in the bin. Or folded into a paper airplane and thrown out the window. Or made into a paper boat and let sail down the drain. *sigh* I think my head is jammed. I havent slept. I am really sleepy. My eyes are so heavy that I almost fell asleep typing. Really. *yawn* See. That was a big yawn. My head hurts. I'll write later. Regarding this piece of crappy story. I dont know if I'll continue. Maybe i will,maybe not. I'll attempt another one or a continuation when I am not sleep deprived and 'something' nourished. Oh wait,let me try to correct that.. when i am not sleep deprived and UNnourished.

LATER PEOPLE. This captain sleepyhead will try to get through a few more hours. Then SLEEP. Yes,please. SLEEEEEPPPP!

The Basics,

I am the daughter to the most amazing parents/the little sister to the most annoying-but-lovable elder brothers/flawed but unique in my own way/a bad student, learning the ropes of becoming a great one. I am also someone who constantly needs to have an outlet for random ramblings. Truth be told, mostly I am --