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Words Escape Me

Thank you for your comments and support during my scare on Friday. This weekend was uneventful as it relates to my pregnancy. My OB appointment is next Friday and I will be 35w2d. We’ll be doing a growth scan and I’ll know more about baby boy’s progress.

In other news, I am wrestling with what to say in my note to my birth mother. Ugh, there is no primer for how to do this. I think that the fact that I’ve not communicated with her in almost a year makes me feel like I need to explain why when I know that I don’t. And, I do feel entitled to the information or at least in asking for it, but how much to communicate? I’m not sure. Less is probably more, though.

I took great care in how I worded things in the previous two letters I wrote her and neither seemed to impress anything upon her in terms of doing the right thing in providing me with any of the information I requested, although instead of asking for it directly, I hinted at it. It is crystal clear to me that she is emotionally stunted and self-focused. Given that I have had people who live near my birth mother offer to snap a picture of her and that we are planning a trip to NJ in June so I could conceivably do it myself, I feel like there is a Plan B & C. I do want to give her an opportunity to provide me with a picture and the name of my birth father herself (she is the only living person who knows who he is and, as she had sole custody of me, even if I can get a court order upon her death to access my adoption record, his name will likely not be there). I guess I have such low expectations that it is hard for me to motivate myself to write her at all much less figure out what to say.

Do I mention that I am pregnant? Do I mention our trip to the east coast? I don’t want to be threatening, but I do want her to understand how important this is to me that if she doesn’t respond there are other ways to get what I seek.

I am going to attempt to tease out the note here and welcome any comments. For reference, here are note #1 and note #2 that I received from her.

Dear S,

I know it has been some time since our last communication. I am pregnant and am due shortly so my focus on this pregnancy has delayed me in reaching out.

I was hoping that you would include a picture of yourself and perhaps I didn’t impress upon you enough just how important this is to me. Given that you grew up surrounded by your biological family, it may be hard for you to understand the void there is for me never having seen a single person that I resemble. Therefore, I am asking again if you would send a picture of yourself to me.

Finally, finding you is only half of my biological story. I would very much appreciate having the name of my biological father. He would be 81, if he is still alive, but either way, piecing together that side of my genetic family is critically important to me as it will be for my children.

I am hopeful that you will oblige me this information and look forward to hearing from you. (What I want to add here is “Receiving the information directly from you will prevent me from making a stop in Hingham during our upcoming trip to the east coast.” Too much? ;))

Thank you.

Other than dealing with my own family drama (can I tell you how challenging it is going to be navigating the upcoming holidays?), interacting with my less than engaged birth mother wrings me out emotionally. I have approached this in a very pragmatic way, but her responses have done little to address the 46 year void I’ve felt.

“Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.” ~W. Clement Stone

This is such a difficult thing but it makes sense to make that push to contact her before this baby arrives. I agree with Serenity and Buttermilk, I don’t think that it could hurt to say a little more about why these things are important to you and suggesting a photo from any time is also a good idea. My first instinct was not to mention the trip as it could make her feel crowded and take away the security of distance. As I’m late to catch up I’m guessing you might already have sorted this out, I’m glad you have such good (other) commenters to help with dealing with something as complicated as this,x

I think I might wait on telling her about your visit. You don’t want her to freak out and create stress just as new baby arrives. I’d give her one more chance. And if she doesn’t come through, I’d probably let her know about the trip just a few weeks ahead of time. Or not…and just show up.

And I do agree with being very honest about your feelings. Maybe it will stir something in her to know that this isn’t just a practical issue. It’s an emotional one, too.

I realize that you haven’t posted in 6 days. Hope you’re doing well and that you’re just busy with the holidays. Looking forward to hearing about your progress!

I agree with Serenity too. A few other thoughts…I like how you explained your desire to see a picture of her. Perhaps you can elaborate on the request by saying that it could be a picture from any age, or any point of adulthood. In one of her letters she stated that she is old and wants things to stay as they are. I think many old people don’t like photos of themselves anyway, and in her case a picture of what she looks like today might be too close for comfort. It might be easier for her to send you a picture of her when she was 25. If you give her that option she might be more likely to believe that your motivation is about seeing resemblance and not something more personal. I might also explain your motivation for requesting medical history. You’d think this would be obvious…but maybe there is hope in getting what you want if you are clear that it is not mere curiosity.
So, yes…show your feelings. But clearly state the rationality of what you request and leave the impression of finality…that this will not be followed by more requests. And leave out the part about swinging through her town. She does NOT want to hear that. I’m not saying don’t do it – but don’t tell her.

Stopping by from ICLW, and just to say I’ll definitely be back, we are new parents through adoption and also have little if any information on our son’s birth father and we would love to get some, but also have a sensitive situation with his birth mother.

I think your letter is very clear and direct, but I echo what Serenity said. Perhaps there is a way to add a little bit more about WHY it is so important to you to have her picture and your birth father’s name. I realize that it may fall on her deaf ears (based on her previous) letters to you, BUT at least you will know that you gave it your all in your efforts to communicate your needs to her. If she chooses not to help you, well of course then that is totally on her and her stunted ole self!

I’m thinking of you all the time and sending you lots of my positive thoughts every day!!!

I think it is a great rough draft, worded very well, although I would leave out the last sentence you’re tempted to add, since it tends to sound a little like a threat. I agree with Serenity, though, that it would be nice if you could somehow convey your feelings more. Hope this turns out well for you!

Maybe you should speak from the heart, instead of choosing your words carefully and being pragmatic this time? The note you put up there is closer to how you feel, but it still has a tone of distance, of not wanting to ask too much. Like Mina, if I hadn’t read your posts about it, I’d have no idea how you felt about it.

If you are willing to drive from NJ to Hingham to get a picture of your birth mother, I think it’s worth putting it all out there, really giving her insight into your FEELINGS about the whole thing.

Tell her you chose your words carefully in the past couple of notes, because you didn’t want to hurt her. Tell her you have spent 46 years surrounded by people different than you and have had questions about your birth mother and father. That all you want from her is a picture (one of her) and your birth father’s name. (A question here: is that all you want? Are you going to be okay with just a picture and then no further communication with her?) Tell her you don’t think that’s too much to ask, that you have spent 46 years wondering about them, and how much seeing them in a picture would mean to you. And if you believe you can walk away from there, then tell her that.

Clearly the pragmatic approach doesn’t work with her. And it’s also my understanding that there IS love there. See if you can tease it out by asking for your heart’s desire and making it clear that once you get what you want there will be no further communication, as you sense from her letters that’s what she wants.

It seems that the less she cares or is interested in answering you, the more you care. If you haven’t wrote about it, I would have had no idea how you felt. This is such a unique and twisted situation. In my understanding, when a mother chooses to give up her baby for adoption, there is love there acting as the reason to give up one’s baby to have a better life. This love can’t go away, not for you, not for me. Then, why is it that she just did not reach out to you? Perhaps for her it is no longer important or relevant, but how can she not see that for you it is? Humans will always puzzle me, I think.
Great to hear you’re well and so close to your goal. You are one amazing woman, you are.