Weddings, parties, anything - how to cope when your kids are with the ex

There's nothing quite like the feeling of emptiness of raising a glass with loved ones, knowing your own children aren't there to enjoy the celebrations. Or waking on your child's birthday and realising you're not going to be seeing him until later in the day, week, or even the year.

Such is the life of a single parent.

Sure, you'll probably get to celebrate your own 'second Christmas' or birthday another time soon, but is it ever quite the same? And do you ever get over the guilt that you're not giving your children the happily ever after, 'intact' family experience they were meant to have when you welcomed them into the world?

Coping with special events as a single parent, quite frankly, sucks. In fact, coping with the day to day life events that parenting throws at us can be a struggle. Think of all the important moments like starting school, after school interests, medical emergencies, health procedures, and sports days, each of which could potentially be missed when it's not 'your' time to have the kids.

It's especially hard for parents who are used to being the primary carer. To go from being with your kids 24-7, to only a percentage of the time depending on Family Law Court arrangements, is a huge change, for both parents and children.

It's natural that it can take time to get used to.

Coping with special occasions on your own

It's the 'special occasions', in particular, that are the worst for most single parents. Times when it seems the rest of the world are playing happy families, and while our own relationship choices or even failures have forced us into being apart from our kids.

The danger zones are times such as Christmas, Hannukah, New Year, Valentine's Day, Easter, birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, weddings, anniversaries, or any other special events that were shared events in your lives.

In the early days of separation, even your daily life without your kids can loom lonely and meaningless. Once noisy, breakfast times are now quiet and uneventful. Dinner is eaten alone and in front of the telly. Bedtime, minus the stories, cuddles, and last-minute calls for water.

I can't tell you the times when my children may have only just left for their time with their dad, and yet I'll have the urge to phone them and check they are okay. And of course, I resist, because that would not be cool.

Or when I get a phone call to say one of them is a bit unwell, or has had a fall, but they're fine and I'm not to worry. But I do, and I listen to their little voice at the end of the phone, and I hang up and cry. Because I want to go straight over and look after them. Because I can't. Because it's not My Time.

Then there have been the nights when I've done the middle of the night hospital trips on my own, and slept in a chair by the hospital bed, wishing I had someone to help support me, or even take over while I perhaps grabbed a coffee or took a quick trip to the loo.

Once you're separated and/or divorced with children, it's a fact of life. Unless you're one of the lucky few who have a particularly great relationship with your ex-partner.

But eventually, it does get better.

You learn to treasure those child-free times, when you can perhaps see friends or even date, catch up on work or study, or sleep in on a weekend.

Yes, you will still ache for your kids. You still feel like there's a part of yourself that's missing. But slowly, you learn to make the most of that child-free time so that you can get as much done as possible while they're not with you. All the better to spend quality time with them when they are there.

What about the kids

While it's true that the kids do get hurt, as the experts say, they are amazingly resilient.

"We're lucky, because we get two Christmases," said Miss Eight, as she tore into her presents at my house on their "second Christmas" last year. And you know what? She's probably right.

As I watched them enjoy their presents, followed by a relaxed family lunch, and much silliness with crackers, party hats and sparklers, I realised it was one of our happiest and relaxed Christmases ever. Even if we didn't celebrate it on December 25.

Which proves my point - kids are happier living with two happy parents living separately than with two parents living miserably together.

For parents, resilience can be a bit tougher to learn, so here is a guide based on the advice of separated and divorced Australians who contributed to my book Happily Ever Parted (Surviving Separation and Divorce), published by New Holland Australia.

When the kids are away

Many former primary care givers realise, post-separation, that they were basically single parents within a relationship anyway. Except that now, they get a break. Time to themselves. Make the most of it. It goes against the grain at first, but use the time for YOU. Find work or concentrate more on your career, take up study or sport, reconnect with friends, or even just take time to shop, have a massage (dads too), or read a book/newspaper in peace!

Try to plan things for when the kids aren't with you. Coffee or a movie with friends, appointments that can be stressful when the kids are with you, trips away.

If a special occasion is coming up and the kids aren't with you, plan ahead. Organise to do something that will, if not make you happy, at least keep you from feeling miserable. Visit friends or family, volunteer at a nursing home or hospital, or plan a trip away. For my first Christmas sans kids, I chose to spend it with my elderly parents and my siblings and other family members who were able to attend. I still missed the kids, but it was the next best thing.

Alternatively throw yourself a Pity Party. Wallow in your misery. Spend a day at home watching movies, and going through your photos or rearranging your keepsakes. The next day, pick yourself up and get on with it.

On important days, like back to school or sports days/school musicals, make an effort to attend as well. Of course, that's not always possible depending on your own work and personal commitments, and your ex's co-operation. Last year, my ex decided against taking the children to participate in the school Christmas musical at the last minute during his week with the kids, so I sat and watched all their friends perform. They, I, and their teachers and friends were bitterly disappointed that my children did not attend, but what can you do? At least the kids had the pleasure of watching their class perform on the dodgy videos I took.

Involve yourself as much as possible in your kids lives. I still help out at school, even if it's not on 'my' week, and I attend important days, like sports competitions.

The kids and I have a deal where we try to talk to each other every day when we're not with each other. In reality this doesn't always happen, but we have a secret story we share which tells how I love them and miss them even when we're not together.

Consider buying a cheap mobile phone and prepaid sim card so the kids can talk to you whenever they like, and vice versa. I did buy my children a phone and a sim, but the sim went missing less than 24 hours after I bought it. Maybe next year!

If you're really struggling as a single parent, consider counselling. The same with the kids. There are child psychologists who can help kids - and you - to cope with any issues they have coming to terms with living in two homes. Sometimes it only takes a few sessions.

If you want to date, do it while the kids are with their other parent, at least until you know it's serious. The worst thing you can do is expose the kids to a series of 'special friends', so-called aunties and uncles, and instant step-families. This way you can have your kids, and have a personal life.