United Astrology Conference: Loserfest 2008

By Evan Bernstein, on May 19th, 2008

(Please note that I wrote this entry prior to realizing that Steve blogged about this yesterday. Forgive the repetitiveness of this topic, but apparently, Steve and I were both equally influenced by yesterday’s unique alignment of the planets.)

Attention all gullible and credulous people of the Earth and the Moon (rising in the 7th house, of course)

The United Astrology Conference is happening right now at “The fabulous Adams Mark Hotel, downtown Denver (Colorado), on the city’s famous 16th Street Pedestrian Mall, four blocks from the State Capital, with splendid views of the spectacular Rocky Mountains.”

This conference has everything for the most seasoned delusional ….I mean, professional astrologers, along with astrology’s up and coming neophytes. There are over 270 classes being offered including:

-Fundamentals of Astrology (such as how to ignore all of the negative data when examining astrology scientifically)-Forecasting Skills (such as hot readings and cold readings)-Psychological, Consulting, and Professional Skills (i.e. how to find people with the highest levels of gullibility to maximize your personal income)-The Astrology of Stages in Human Development, Health and Wellness (because it is not enough that you steal money from true believers, you should find ways to endanger their health too)-Chart Delineation (complete with both “up” and “down” arrows)-History of Astrology and Traditional Techniques (Astrology is thousands of years old, so it must be rife with the “wisdom of the ancients”. Who needs the newer mumbo-jumbo when the old stuff works just as well, and sounds a lot cooler!)-Vedic Astrology (um.. yeah, Vedic… that sounds cool too!)-Relationship Compatibility (because what good is astrology if you can’t make money discussing your target’s love life?)-Financial and Business (because there are just as many gullible asses on Wall Street as there are on Main Street, and they are a lot richer too)-Mundane Astrology (oxymoronic, with emphasis on the MORONIC part)

-The National Chart, where “astrologers examine the theory and use of the national horoscope, looking at some practical examples including the USA and Iraq. Astrologers will ask what moment a chart should be cast for, and does a country have one chart or many? What information does a national chart reveal?” (That is a direct quote.)-Celestial Tarot: Projecting the Journey of the Tarot onto the Celestial Sphere. I used to perform this feat as a child. I called it “52-Card Pick-Up”, where I’d take a deck of cards, press along the sides of the deck with my thumb and fingers, and FFFTTTFFT – send them flying up into the air.-Ayurvedic Astrology, which is “the medical aspect of Vedicastrology, which is allied with Ayurveda or Vedic medicine. We will discuss how to understand the Ayurvedicimplications of the birth chart, including reading the doshas or biological humors.” (Another direct quote.) GREAT! We need to bring back the ‘humors’ theory of illnesses. You know, black bile, green bile, blood, and so forth. Maybe with enough time and pressure, we can do away with the dreaded germ-theory of disease.-Dealing with Difficult Chart Combinations, because “it is not enough to tell clients that they can overcome difficult combinations by free will. We need to provide strategies and concrete behavioral suggestions as to what to do.” (Again, a direct quote.) It really sucks when a person’s free will screws up a perfectly crafted astrological reading.-The Moon: Its Subtle but Powerful Impact. Learn all about “The Moon’s hidden agenda as a ruler of unconscious habits and general outlook on life. This material presents new insights and teaches how to strike up a valuable conversation with any client — and you!” Emphasis on the word “valuable” $$$. And who knew the Moon had a hidden agenda and controlled people’s subconscious? I’d give more credence to the notion that the Moon is made of cheese.-Pluto and the Path of Regeneration.“ This workshop will examine the significance of the Eighth House, the placement of Pluto in the natal chart by sign and house, planetary potencies when found in the eighth house and in the sign of Scorpio, aspects between Pluto and the other planets, and the effects of Pluto in transit.” There is so much gobbledygook and claptrap in this that I don’t even know how to make more fun of it than it achieves on its own.-Medical Astrology in Action. “Why does this particular person have this particular ailment at this particular time? How can astrology help us pinpoint health vulnerabilities and stay well — or speed recovery if we do become ill? Using both traiditional (sic) and modern techniques, with case studies, we will explore these questions in depth.”

Excuse me while I reach for an airsick bag. Perhaps the nausea brought on by the description of that last workshop is the mechanism by which astrologers have any right to claim an effect on a person’s health.

BUT WAIT! There is more!

Special events include:

The screening of “The Return of The Magi”, Kelly Lee Phipps’s documentary film about the authentic practice of astrology in the modern world. George Lucas could not be reached for comment.

The Regulus Awards Banquet. Not to be confused with The James Randi Educational Foundation’s Pigasus Awards Banquet – heaven forbid.

A panel discussion entitled: “The USA 2008 Presidential Election”. Pardon my straightforwardness here, but astrologically predicting the outcome of the 2008 presidential election as of today is like astrologically predicting the sex of a fetus. This is arguably the most insipid thing about this conference.

So, how much would you pay for stuffing all 10 pounds of this excrement into a 5 pound bag? Well, to attend this conference, you must shell out a mere $530.00 for the basic registration package. I think I’d rather take 530 one dollar bills and run them through a shredder.

Or better yet, take that same money and get to Las Vegas from June 19-22 for TAM6; a REAL conference that won’t vomit all over your intelligence, your humanity, your dignity, or your common sense.