I'm just a little girl lost in the moment. I'm so scared but I don't show it.

January 20, 2012

where is home?

I do not know what's so good about pasar malam that the place is always packed with people. But I notice some people love pasar malam so much that they cannot survive a week without going to. I guess it is the atmosphere. The hustle and bustle of people looking around for food, or just wandering around aimlessly.

What's so good about it then? I think it works the same way as mamak's. Dad said, "Roti canai mamak sedap sebab peluh mamak yang tebar tu." Yewwwww. So foods from pasar malam are tempting because of the dust and saliva of people crowding the place. Yewwwww lagi. Disturbing betul description.

No. No, don't get me wrong. I am not against pasar malam! Peaceeeee.

Throughout my life, I have never been in love with pasar malam. I am okay going to pasar malam. But if I have choices between going or asking others to buy for me, I would opt for the later. And throughout my life, I have never craved for any pasar malam foods except for two things -- which are keropok lekor and coconut shake.

The coconut shake was the ultimate most irreplaceable, unbeatable shake ever!

I grew up in a tiny rural area of Teluk Ketapang. It was a fisherman village once -- Google that, see if you could find anything. The pasar malam was held near the beach. Oh yes, my place was so near to the pantai -- which was very nice. Sometimes, we bought some foods and ate them straight away at the beach.

When I first stepped my foot there, I relied solely on mom and dad to bring me to the beach. Then I grew up a little bit (dah perasan matured sket), I went there with friends. Without the consent of the parents, of course. Haha. But that was nothing to worry about. The place was just a few steps from home and you knew all the uncle and aunties there. It was perfectly safe.

Visits to the beach were successful for a few times. Until one day, I went there with Nabihah (who was only 6) and we went home with the girl was half soaked. Lepas tu apa lagi, memang kena marah la. Nasib baik tak kena pukul. Haha. And we were not allowed to go out for one month.

It was Terengganu. I was young. I did not know any other sort of entertainment. Pantai was our socializing park.

Those were my childhood memories. Yes, despite not being able to speak the language anymore -- I grew up in Terengganu, spent almost 6 years there, pretended like a local which usually turned out as big success. But now, people would be surprised if I tell them I spent my childhood in Terengganu. Perhaps because we look as if we are so settled in Negeri Sembilan now.

I never refer myself as orang Terengganu back then, nor as orang Negeri Sembilan now. We do not have any relatives there (in Terengganu), nor here (in Negeri Sembilan). My parents are from Johor and we did live in Johor a few years during my infancy -- which I could hardly remember anything from there. I am just ... ... ... I don't know.

The things is that I do not have any sense of belonging to any place. Home can be anywhere. My family moved from Johor to Terengganu, and back to Negeri Sembilan. Grandma lives in Johor. Home was once in Johor, once in Terengganu, and it is in Negeri Sembilan right now. It can also be in Johor where grandma lives (grandma's place do smell like home).

If my family moves to Kuantan, Kuantan will be my home then -- which I am more than happy if that is going to happen for real at this moment. Well, for now. I really want to think of Kuantan as my second home. But I cannot because second home never exists.