The Mind of a Binge Eater

June 26, 2015

You all know I love me some Shaun T. Well after finishing up Insanity Max 30, I couldn’t just walk away from Shaun T and all the positive energy and motivation he brings, so now that I’ve started running again, I’ve been listening to his podcast, Define Your Life on my runs.

If you get a chance to listen to just one of his podcasts, it will make you think, give you motivation and make you want to go that much further in your life…not just your workouts. Shaun was talking about being honest, sharing something hard in your life to help motivate and inspire others from the struggles you experienced. Just as we ourselves learn from those struggles. And it got me thinking….

A few months ago after beginning the journey to become an intuitive/mindful eater, I had a really bad binge day. I started feeling like I was losing control and instead of stuffing one more piece of food in my mouth, I started to write down what was going through my crazy brain.

My hope in sharing this, as Shaun so inspired me, is that I can help others who suffer with Binge Eating Disorder know that they are not alone.

This is probably the most personal thing I have ever shared on here, but I’ve been struggling more lately and finding what I had written down reminded me to keep going forward. And as I have found, the more honest you are with yourself and those around you, the stronger you become as you let go of the “weight” of what is going on in your head. So here it goes:

The thoughts of a binge eater….

The urge to binge is so strong. My stomach aches from overeating. “Indulging.” The more my stomach hurts, the more my desire to binge grows. My mind is racing. Maybe I need to go for a run. Maybe I need to just succumb to the urges. Maybe just a cup of tea. I decided on the tea although I really want to binge. The inner war won’t stop. I don’t want to run but only to “slow” the calories. But that’s the diet mentality creeping in. I’m nervous. I’m starting a new workout program tomorrow. Who do I want to impress though really? That’s why I’m nervous. I don’t have to “report” any results though. I only have to compete against myself. Be better than I was the day before. I’m a work in progress. I don’t like the feeling of overeating. My sides ache. I feel like the food is still in my throat. I have to listen to my hunger cues and fullness cues. I don’t even like the taste of half the things I ate today. I don’t like the frosting on the cookies. The cheezits tasted good but left my stomach and throat feeling bitter. The donut did the same. It tasted good but at what cost? The dinner was awesome and the fruit at lunch was good. Have I really changed that much? I desire all of these foods but then I eat them and they make me feel awful. How do I know what I want? I guess that’s part of the process. Right? I have to keep trying more things I haven’t had in awhile. Then there is the urge to check myself in the mirror nonstop. I want to weigh myself. I have to accept my body the way it is. It has done so many amazing things. It finished Insanity. At 250lbs! That was 70lbs heavier than now! 70lbs Tracy! You could do 0 of one move when you started back then but you kept trying. You just kept going forward. This body is so strong. You can lift your daughter with ease. Run up and down stairs. Run! You can run!!! You don’t get out of breath going up the hill at work when so many others do. Have faith in the body you have. This is just a bump in the road to becoming an intuitive eater. its a process. Just like losing the weight…

So, there it is. Just don’t forget you are not alone. We always think we are going through things alone, but we’re not. Write it down, work through it, call a friend, blog about it. Learn from your struggles. Turn them into positive energy to make you move a little further ahead.

I’m going to keep on running, moving forward, learning from my struggles, and reminding myself that it’s a journey, not a set end point. There are always the ups and downs, there are always hard days, but there always great days, amazing days, days where I feel like I could run a marathon, do a 100 pushups…and I have to take the energy from those days and the energy from my struggles and propel me forward in life.