Barfly: You can’t always get what you want

Jeff Burkhart, seen on Thursday, Sept. 6, 2012 in Novato, Calif., has written a book, "Twenty Years Behind Bars," about his experiences as a longtime bartender and nightclub owner in Marin County. (Frankie Frost/Marin Independent Journal)

Six martinis, all up, four with vodka, two of them dirty, all with olives — one with three — one gin martini with a twist and the other with “no vegetables.” Cleverness is always most appreciated when one is the most busy. And this night was busier than most, so that last bit of cleverness was as much appreciated as any.

One of my regular customers chuckled. I don’t know if it was at some inward joke or that more outward one. But I didn’t have time to worry about it; I was busy divvying up olives and brine.

Two women approached the bar and leaned over an open seat to order drinks.

“Is anyone sitting here?” one asked.

No one had been sitting there for about 10 minutes, which in a busy bar is just a tad unusual.

Noting that the stool had been vacant for some time I ventured this: “Sir, is your friend here?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean is your friend here? As in parking the car? Or in the bathroom? Or using the phone?”

“He’s on his way.”

“I’m sorry. We don’t allow the saving of seats for people who are not already here.”

“Not even for me?”

An odd statement, considering I didn’t know him. I pointed at the sign hanging prominently behind the bar stating in bold print what I had just said in plain English.

“It is the restaurant’s policy,” I said. It really could not have been clearer.

“I can’t believe this. First I can’t get my table and now this?”

Usually that sort of thing just washes over me. The way to handle a temper tantrum is ignore it; any parenting book will tell you that. And although bars aren’t filled with children, childish behavior is often exhibited.

“Whatever happened to customer service?” he asked.

I let that one go, just like I had the “I can’t believe this” statement. Then he uttered the phrase that people in the restaurant business loathe the most: “I thought the customer was always right.”

“Sir, you are not the only customer here.”

“I beg your pardon?” he said in a most condescending tone.

“These ladies are customers, too,” I said pointing out the obvious.

With a certain type of person once the original argument fails, new ones are often just plugged in until that person gets what he or she wants. Or doesn’t. Then it gets personal.

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“How dare you speak to me like that.”

“I can get the manager if you like.”

“I don’t want to speak to the manager,” he said. Which I thought was odd, because usually people like that always do.

“I am not going to stand here and argue with a bartender,” he said, his tone leaving no doubt to as to what he thought about me personally, or my profession in general.

“Good, because it isn’t an argument. You may not save that seat and that is that.”

He turned to the crowd for support.

“Can you believe this guy?”

“I can’t believe you,” said the chuckler, who immediately stood so the second woman could sit down.

So often in the restaurant business no one says anything. They see abusive behavior and they just ignore it. “It’s not happening to me” is the excuse. Recently I heard of a man bullying a manager at a restaurant. Another customer mentioned his flailing arms might impact another customer.

“What are you?” the man angrily to the other customer.

“I’ll tell you what I’m not,” said the other customer. “I’m not an employee of this restaurant. Which means I don’t have to be nice to you.”

It becomes an entirely different kind of argument when both people are on equal footing.

Leaving me with these thoughts:

• Watching bullying happen, and doing nothing about it is almost as bad as the bullying in the first place.

• I prefer the phrase “the customers are always right” because it really is about all the customers and not just the one.

• “Logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few,” said Spock from 1982’s “Wrath of Khan.”

• He didn’t want to speak to the manager because he had just had exactly the same conversation with him about a table. In exactly the same order.

• I’m buying that chuckler his next drink.

Jeff Burkhart is the author of “Twenty Years Behind Bars: The Spirited Adventures of a Real Bartender” and an award-winning bartender at a local restaurant. Follow him at jeffburkhart.net and contact him at jeffb@thebarflyonline.com.

About the Author

Jeff Burkhart is the author of “Twenty Years Behind Bars: The Spirited Adventures of a Real Bartender” and an award-winning bartender at a local restaurant. Reach the author at jeffb@thebarflyonline.com
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