Wednesday, February 20, 2013

It's Wednesday, and the air is thick with stupidity and grilled meats.

Do you get off on idiot porn? Do you get hot and bothered watching two complete idiots moron-humping each other? If so, you're going to make a big mess in your pants watching these two double-digit IQ numbskulls going at it:

("Gonna give you every inch of my dumb.")

Here's the filthy video, as forwarded to me by a reader, though I'm warning you it's not safe for work--assuming you work in an environment where people have brains and are offended by stupid idiots:

If you weren't able to watch, the subject of the video is "The Wimpification of America." Evidently awhile back President Obama said, "I'm a big football fan, but I have to tell you if I had a son, I'd have to think long and hard before I let him play football." Clearly this is a problem, because he's the President of America, and everybody American knows that thinking long and hard about anything is for pussies. Then the douchetard with the creepy dyed Andy Warhol hair goes on to say the following:

"He's talking about if he had a son he'd think long and hard about football. Uh, parents in terms of immediate risks to their children might want to think more long and hard about, uh, bicycling, which the President, I know, seems to enjoy, uh, on his vacations. I mean, in terms of people getting killed that seems to be the greater threat than football and yet we don't really talk about that."
As this idiotic mental pre-cum oozes from his mouth, we see this image of Obama bicycling wildly and irresponsibly:

Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death among American teenagers, killing between 5,000 and 6,000 teenagers every year.

No other kind of hazard comes close to claiming as many teenage lives, including homicides (13 percent) and suicides (11 percent). (2002 figures)

Of course, we're not allowed to acknowledge this in America, because if kids can't drive then how are they supposed to get to football practice?

Next, things start getting really steamy when the other idiot gives us a wide open beaver shot of the inside of her vacuous skull:

"Football is such a part of the American culture and I'm not talking about the European kind of football where they score like, what, one goal a game."

Wait, is she talking about that weird foreign sport that we call "soccer?" The one that pretty much every single kid in America plays? And since when do they score lots of goals in American football? In the last Superbowl each team scored a total of four goals. (I had to look it up because I'm not a real American.) I think she's confusing "goals" with "points." Actually, FIFA should take note, because apparently if they make each goal worth 1,000 points then they'll have the most popular game in America.

Then she adds:

"What does it say about our society if the President comes out and says 'I don't know about that sport?'"

Well, let's see, he's a lawyer and he would have reservations about letting his son play football. Holy shit, I know what it says! It says he's Jewish! A Jewish President?!? Talk about the wimpification of America!

After the shocking revelation that our President is a nebbish, Warhol Hair starts stroking his massive stupidity cock into a state of florid, purple hyper-arousal by saying that football is important to "character building"--unlike riding bikes, which somehow makes you reckless and a pussy at the same time. This gets the other idiot so wildly hot that she jumps on his pulsing moron dick and says:

"I'm not sure that you would really turn to a bicyclist and say 'I want you to be the guy in the trenches with me.'"
He agrees at the laughable notion that a cyclist could make a good soldier:

"You wouldn't say, 'I need a cyclist,' right!"
And together they collapse in a sticky, sweaty, moronic heap.

So to recap:

1) We should discourage children from riding bikes;
2) Football builds character in a way that riding bikes does not;
3) Nobody would want to fight alongside a cyclist. Gays? Begrudgingly. Women? If we have to. But cyclists? Fuck that.

Impressively reasoned.

Now, I should stress that I have nothing against kids playing football--even though I too would actually (gasp!) think about it if my own kid wanted to play. However, if we really want to become a nation of wimps, I can think of no better way than discouraging kids from riding bikes. As it is, our inability to get around without driving is turning us into a nation of flabby, impotent diabetics, so why not do away with those precious few years that kids are actually able to get around under our own power? Instead, they can all be lumbering mounds of obesity who slowly crash into each other on football fields. This will build character--the sort of character that compels you to fly into LaGuardia with a loaded gun:

Anyway, if I were Warhol Hair, I'd worry about the fact that the only thing Americans are able to do anymore is invent iPhone apps--and now that the Chinese are hacking the shit out of us to steal them we won't even have that anymore. Maybe we can challenge them to a great big game of football, because if Obama had any sense he'd base all his policies on the movie "The Longest Yard."

Of course, the only thing Americans love as much as football is grilling meats, and a number of readers have alerted me to the Backbrat, which should cause people like Walhol Hair to experience a considerable amount of cognitive dissonance:

Longtime cycling fans will recall Jan Ullrich used a similar device to win the 1997 Tour de France.

I dunno, I'd say facing down distracted overpowered morons and DEATH ITSELF on a daily basis builds plenty of courage & character. More so than say, hauling your overpaid ass to a TV studio and talking shit for 3 minutes because there's nothing else to say. Wouldn't make a good soldier? I can stab and shoot motherfuckers just fine. Believe me, you want me on your side, not the other side. MOTHERFUCKER.

The Pres won't let his son...which by the way does not exist... play Football, BUT he will send your son or daughter into a Combat zone in Defense of the Massive US Mil Industrial Complex in a New York nanosecond.

The people I ride with smile when they ride. I do too. Riding a bike is moving meditation...you can't think about it, you just have to do it. The result of that mind state is happiness. People driving cars aren't necessarily evil but driving a car is a much more disassociated activity, which leads to lots of thinking and, many times, hostility towards themselves and others.

The female half of Dumb and Dumber also asked if they were trying to get rid of the dangerous helmets in football. It's like watching one of those Russian dash-cam videos, only with WSJ types instead of cars and trucks. Awesome.

Ah, football... A great game that helped decide the course of my life as I was granted admittance to a decent dating service called college through my play. That said, I too would think long and hard before pushing a son to play. I can't count the concussions, but I can count the cat scans. The research coming out on head injury is frightening and I identify with some of the symptoms. That said, the best thing I ever did was quit and buy a new mtn bike. The coaches don't let you smoke doobies mid game and cycling is way harder than any football practice or game. Oh, and was I a woosie for riding a bmx in full pads to practice? No, just confused.

this could have been a multiple choice question:"What does it say about our society if the President comes out and says 'I don't know about ...'"1. economics2. telling the truth3. benghazi4. anything except good speechifying and golfing

bicycling is dangerous - I purposely buzzed one of those wimps this morning to "teach them a lesson." it was a mom with a kid in a carrier and they were riding down a quiet residential street - sure I was going twice the speed limit but this is america and bicycles aren't anywhere in the constitution. our founding fathers didn't ride bicycles!

On the other hand, if the President came out and said "Don't know much about history, don't know much biology," it would mean he was channeling Sam Cooke, which would be great for our society. Rock on.

Sometimes, when I need to run an errand somewhere that's far enough away that I don't want to walk, but not quite far enough away to justify a subway ride, I'll get there by playing a quick game of flag football.

Anonymous 1:46 - Yes. Instead of carting her freeloading little crumbsnatcher around on her commie-cycle, she should be teaching him how to return a punt! (Unless her kid was a girl--she might turn into one of those real-life lesbians who play sports.)

Well, toupee-head is right about not wanting cyclists in the trenches. When NFL-er Pat Tillman, who rode his bicycle to practice, quit the NFL to join the Army Rangers, he was posted to Afghanistan where our own troops shot and killed him. To their credit, they did feel bad about it, so covered it up.

Cog Dis:I think Rapha makes a Paul Smith inspired BBQ apron in black with pink piping. It comes with a silk headscarf in Team Sky logos.Anons and Crosspalms: you guys are on fire today.Nice post today Wildcat.

There's plenty of ex-teamsport(fball, Bkball, bball, etc) in rec cycling. Always wondered about elite/pro cycling. Size of athlete? The elite cyclists that I know/know of are not built like linebackers. I just guessed, probably wrong, that an elite athlete, like a Herschel Walker, could do pretty much what they wanted to do.

...well...i've certainly heard of "...the jewel in the lotus..." (om mani padme hum-job) but the lone wolf may have single handedly kept swarovski crystal in profit this year with his bedazzled "jewels ON the lotus" bike...

...start with an old olympian project time trial bike designed to weigh approximately 14 lbs, add 35 lbs of cut glass crystal & a gallon of superglue & what do you end up with ???...

...an overweight, sparkly wonderbike you don't wanna crash on or the 'family jewels' might get shredded in the process...

...'member how lone wolf used to carry a six-pack of small water bottles up on his stem/bar mount ???...bet he's carryin' extra crystals n' glue in that bejewelled bento box nowadays...

Ah, football. Builds character. I'd rather send a football player on an Army suicide mission than a bicycle rider. (Did those WSJ idiots really say that? I think they did).

On the note of "character building," anyone read about the fracas in Steubenville, Ohio? Last summer, high school football stars gang rape a girl who passed out at a party: not only that, they "tweet" about it and send out photos. What's the problem, you ask? Seems that All-American football is so popular that the school principle and the football coach don't seem to have any problem with it. And then, of course, the inevitable threats against the victim's family. Who apparently corrupted the morals of the towns football stars by having a daughter. Who then got gang-raped....

@DB "I think Rapha makes a Paul Smith inspired BBQ apron in black with pink piping. It comes with a silk headscarf in Team Sky logos" - biggest laugh of a laugh-filled day, and I haven't even been on the weed or the cognac. Yet.Now this isn't going to be my probem as I am one of those pussy cyclists who is vegetarian (there may be a tautology in there somewhere), but how are you supposed to keep your bike upright enough to be grilling on the back rack? Put it on the kickstand if your bike is built like that = glowing charcoal on your Sidis. Maybe we need bike cribs after all.

I hate it when I have to look up a crucial word to totally understand a blogpost, but I was extremely satisfied with all the meanings of wimp in German: Niete Schlappschwanz Feigling Schwächling Warmduscher Waschlappen Weichei Knalltüte Schlaffi Nulpe Schwachmat Schmachtlappen. Tomorrows workday will leave my colleagues in awe. I will have a nice name for everyone of them. As for cyclsts for soldiers:

...given his known modus operandi regarding other facets of his life, there's certainly nothing shocking in this but just in case you missed it, here 'tis...

..."During his long campaign to clear his name from allegations of doping, Lance Armstrong hired a Washington lobbying firm, the Ben Barnes Group, in 2010 to raise concerns about Jeff Novitzky, the agent leading a federal criminal investigation into his former cycling team, according to an official at the firm...

...While there is no evidence the effort played a role in a U.S. attorney's 2012 decision to close that investigation, the effort shows how far the disgraced former cyclist and his advisers went to try to frustrate efforts to probe Mr. Armstrong's past..."...

...whether you're tired or not of 'the lance chronicles', it's always nice to get the full scoop...

Lumpen Fred'tI think you take the backbrat off the bike before using it to avoid the dreaded flaming picnic. Probably comes with a warning not to ride bike while grilling, too. But for other non-brat-eaters, looks like it'd be perfect for grilling zucchini and (small) eggplant, maybe a red onion. Too bad it's 20 degrees here...

...basically, short of actually having people whacked, as the nomenclature goes in certain circles, armstrong & his cronies were willing to explore any means whatsoever to achieve their goals...

...whether people found solace in this fraud or not when there were better alternatives is a shame...

...other organizations might have accomplished more in offering comfort with the same funding...

...if armstrong had simply used his fame to direct folks to organizations of their own choice, i might view it differently but his campaign of self aggrandizment & particularly how he benefited from it is despicable...

Even as a kid I saw that football was a joke of a sport;What do you mean the players don't play the whole game!( special players for offense and different ones for defense!?)What do you mean that they start leaving while there is still time on the clock!?

More people are hurt snowboarding than any other outdoor activity, accounting for a quarter of emergency room visits, according to the first national study to estimate recreational injuries. Trailing snowboarding are sledding and hiking, researchers at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report in the journal Wilderness and Environmental Medicine.The researchers looked at data on nonfatal injuries from outdoor activities treated at 63 hospitals in 2004 and 2005. They calculated that almost 213,000 people annually were treated for such injuries nationwide. Nearly 26 percent of the injuries were from snowboarding followed by sledding (11 percent); hiking (6 percent); mountain biking, personal watercraft, water skiing or tubing (4 percent); fishing (3 percent) and swimming (2 percent).Injuries from gun-related accidents, football and other contact sports were too small a percentage to register in the study.

I'd never look to the WSJ for sports commentary, or anywhere for that matter.

And in any case, those WSJ folks, like talking heads anywhere in the world, no virtually nothing about a vast variety of topics. Thye sound like typical New York (transplants) that hate bikes for whatever reason non-biking New Yorkers hate bikes.

They are your neighbors, you teach them otherwise.

I guess they got tired of pointing out that BHO's favored economic policies have proven repeatedly to be failures around the world.

True mixed feelings about the Star if David on the Lotus. I suppose we Jews are obligated to welcome the Lone Wolf as a member of our tribe, but I was kinda thinking we might trade him to the Christians for, say, Tim Tebow?

Anon 8:35Do you have the link to the study? From what I have found on the interwebs it is pretty clear that football (and such) injuries weren't "too small" as you say, they were not included in the study at all because they are *sports*, and the study was on "outdoor activities" or "recreation" in the "wilderness."

that shit isn't convincing anyone of anything. the morons who see that and aren't horribly offended by how stupid it is are the ones already yelling or throwing shit at me when i'm riding to work. i pay my damn taxes, sidewalks are for walking and i couldn't play football because i'm a WOMAN and they don't let you even join the team if you want to. really? so every female is already a wimp according to this.

Some recent statistics prove this to be false (I found these somewhere on the Internet so I know they're true facts):

- Nearly 275,000 children ages five to 14 were treated in hospital emergency rooms for bicycle-related injuries.

- Almost 194,000 children ages five to 14 were treated in hospital emergency rooms for football-related injuries.

It is a safe assumption that the number of football players is a fraction of the number of cyclists (it's an organized sport requiring significant investment, and very, very few girls participate). It is therefore a safe conclusion that football is the more dangerous of the two activities.

Sponsored Linkway:

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!