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Friday, 18 November 2011

"Love the way you lie" ...

I'm not entirely sure what's going on with me at the moment, but I have realised that I'm using the term "at the moment" too much at the moment. See. We went on a trip today, to M Shed, a museum in Bristol, and I was alone with my tutor for a bit and she asked how I was doing. I gave the whole "I'm fine, fine, just busy and I've been a bit ill" but she noticed there was something more and asked me again. I tried explaining and couldn't. Because I can't explain. But I was in a state wandering around the museum, quite detatched and on the verge of tears. The coffee afterwards with my course-mates helped a little, but I came back to the flat and got straight into bed. I've started a "no chocolate" thing (because I've been comfort eating way too many brownie pieces lately) but I really, really want chocolate now.

I'm either sleeping or not. Which is a stupid generalisation but that's how it seems to be. I slept for about 10 hours the other day, got up and ate something then went back to bed for another 7. Then I'll sleep 8 hours, then be insomniac-y the next night, then the night after, then sleep for a day, then insomnia, then ok, then insomnia. And it's insomnia in the proper sense. Last year insomnia was waking up every few hours and taking a while to get back to sleep. This year it's lying there, shattered, eyelids closing and wanting to stay closed but brain on fast fast fast fast fast. So I'll get up and watch cooking programmes then feel proper tired round 3/4ish but then develop this irrational fear about going to sleep because I know I'll have trouble waking up in 3/4 hours when my alarm goes off.

Talking of irrational fears - since when has the thought of leaving my flat scared me?? Like actually scared me. Not just slight anxiety. It's like the next stage of anxiety. And it blinking scares the beep out of me.

Mum's naturally really worried. She said she'd come down but I have this essay to do, which is due in on Thursday but I'm not progressing with.

This time it's not uni, or the course. Last year it was Birmingham and medicine. This year it's all internal, which makes me very happy because I am in love with Bristol. Want to do my foundation years here in love. And the course is amazing. But yesterday I missed a class because I couldn't bear the thought of leaving the flat. So I slept instead.

Breathe Lexie.

I have a doctor's appoitment on Monday. I'm hoping it's just the pill withdrawal, or just a phase. I just need to ride it through.

6 comments:

I understand insomnia part all too well. Doesn't happen too often when I am living with my family because I can't watch tv or keep the lights on because I share room with my sister, but those nights when I am alone sleep just doesn't come. Suddenly it's 2 am, 3, then there's nothing left to do but I just can't sleep. Then comes some strange guilt and thoughts about everything bad I've ever done and about everything bad that is yet to happen...Then it's 4 and I can't trust myself to wake up at 8 if I fall asleep then etc etc...

I also understand anxiety of leaving your flat. As I don't have classes till New Year these last couple of months I barely go out few times a week. And then of course it feels weird, like everyone's looking at me, or something. Which I know is only in my head, but then, most things are just there and not in reality, though that doesn't make them less real LOL The only solution I have for this is not to skip classes and to go out whenever you need to. The more you close yourself and stay in "controlled environment" the harder it will be to go out again.

Keep in mind that you are doing well, you are in the right place, doing the right thing, you are where you want to be. Take one day at a time, concentrate on feeling good now, in this moment, plan only now and push yourself out of your comfort zone and to hang out with people around you as much as possible.It will get better soon, I am sure :) *hugs*

Don't worry about missing a class - I miss 'em all the time, and you just make time to catch up, it's no big deal :). Try not to get scared by the fact you are scared to leave your flat - you'll just get caught in the circle of Freak Out @_@. I don't know anything about insomnia, but common sense is telling me that having a structure and relaxation will probably help, whatever's causing it :). Hopefully the doctor can shed some light and help you out. Good luck <3!

I had a few months of insomnia whilst at uni, I used to clock watch and dread going to bed, and the more I thought about it the worse it became. I finally beat it because I was lucky enough to have a wonderful change in my life, the insomnia just slipped away. I also found praying helped. I think more people suffer with insomnia than we think. I suffered with it as a child and would dread sunday nights in particular, I used to cry myself to sleep because it was the only way I would sleep. I know! :( I didnt understand it and never told my mum until I went through it again as an adult. I hope the doc appointment helped. :)

Thanks Auntie Em :) I've had insomnia before, just not in this sense. It used to be just waking up every few hours instead, which still happens now but I'm used to it. The doc's appoitment helped a little, but I think it'll settled once my mood's settled. :D