Game of Thrones: "You Win or You Die" Review

Ned confronts Cersei about her secret and she's like "cool story, bro."

Welcome to the episode of Game of Thrones that fully deals with the titular "Game of Thrones." "You Win or You Die" is an excellent, pivotal episode where Ned gets unfortunately thwarted by his own honorable intentions. As seedy and greedy as all the men surrounding Ned are, one couldn't help but feel like their conniving ideas made sense and as the episode went on I grew more and more frustrated watching Ned play the role of the doomed saint. But it was a great, suspenseful kind of "frustrated" of course.

Renly had a decent idea to take the thone himself, and Littlefinger even offered to back Ned as ruler and share in the secret of Joffrey's illegitimacy. But Ned was so dead set on turning over the throne to Robert's brother Stannis (and for there to not be any bloodshed) that he managed to push away all those who would lend him support. And holy hell, would it have killed Ned to scream out something along the lines of "Joffrey is Jaime's son!" right after Cersei tore up his letter from Robert? He didn't even tell Robert the truth when Robert, although weak, could have still done something about the entire situation.

That type of stubborn nobility is what makes Ned such a great character, but it's also, on a show like this, a trait that will keep him fighting an uphill battle. Like slashing a broadsword against a tidal wave. For the realm really is what Robert said it was back in "The Wolf and the Lion." Nothing but "backstabbing and scheming and ass-licking and money-grubbing." And there's hardly room for a man who takes his time and tries to do the chivalrous, conscientious thing.

Ugh, and is there anything worse that "King Joffrey?" I mean, Littlefinger's betrayal sucked and he's definitely on my list, but that dick Joffrey demanding Ned swear allegiance? The absolute worst.

Ned's honor suited him just fine at the beginning of the episode during his meeting with Cersei when he gave her the option of fleeing the city. But all that was undone by a terribly tenacious boar and a nasty, fatal gut-wound to Robert. "King Robert Baratheon," Robert mock-eulogized. "Murdered by a pig." A great, final scene there between Ned and Robert that ended with a really touching moment: Robert deciding to spare Daenerys' life. It was too little too late at that point, but it was still a nice way to send Robert off. I also liked the little nod - foreshadowing perhaps - of Robert's death back when Ned first flipped through the big book of ancestry in "Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things" and read aloud that a certain young lord of House Umber was killed by an animal on a hunt. It didn't mean all that much, but I liked that it was there for a split second.

"...died in his fourteenth year from a wound sustained in a bear hunt."

And who knows? The idea that Lancel Lannister might have gotten Robert drunk on purpose could mean that "drunken death by boar" was a time-tested way of getting rid of nobles and making it look like an accident. Even Sam's father told him he'd murder him and fake his death on a hunting trip.

The slightly-buried irony here is that if Robert had never ordered Daenerys' death Drogo would have never have even wanted to invade Westeros. And how awesome was it to see Drogo so animated and full of rage? He's been so quiet in every episode, even when killing Viserys, that this was pretty much the first time we saw him as a roaring warrior.

I'm not exactly sure howJorah knew that the wine salesman was out to kill Dany, but it was sure awesome watching him step in and prevent it. And what a complicated con of an assassination attempt. Hardly the "slit her throat" idea put forth by Littlefinger. Was he really a wine seller who saw an opportunity to collect a bounty by using a conveniently tainted casket of red wine? Or was he there to kill Dany the whole time? Putting on an elaborate song and dance to draw her in and make it all seem natural? Because there wasn't even a guarantee that she'd ever actually even be the one to drink the wine first.

Even though there was no sign of Tyrion or Arya (fan favorites, no?) in this episode, "You Win or You Die" was a dense episode that ran even longer, time-wise, than most others. Our return to the wall wasn't as exciting as everything else that was going on, but it was important nonetheless. Jon, expecting to be named a ranger, is named a steward. Sam must then explain to Jon that the position didn't come from Thorne as a form of punishment but from Commander Mormont as a means of labeling Jon as his successor. It was nice to head back up north and get back into the "monster mix" as we got to see Ghost discovering a severed hand at the wall and Osha (Harry Potter's Natalia Tena), at Winterfell, telling Maester Pycelle that she fled south because of the White Walkers.

Now, with Roz down in King's Landing, Theon (Lily Allen's brother, Alfie) apparently needs someone else to boast and brag too in order to make himself feel better bout being an indentured squire. There are a few characters in this series who act as "sounding boards" and now Osha will have to bear the brunt of Theon's exposition. But even scenes that are heavy and obvious with exposition are still fantastic on this show. Yes, three freakin' cheers for scenes not in the novel! Some of the best exchanges on this series have been those written for the show (Cersei/Robert, Viserys/Doreah). Tywin and Jaime at the beginning of episode? Brilliant. And the whole time Tywin is skinning and gutting a fresh kill! It was nice to see someone as "privileged" as Jaime still get run down by his domineering father. Being told "at least your vanity got in the way of your recklessness" sure took the piss out of the Kingslayer.

But the best scene, aside from the violent clash at the very end, had to be Littlefinger instructing Roz and the other girl on how to properly deceive big, powerful men. And not just because it featured two completely naked chicks grinding against each other in what's probably the longest scene ever featuring two naked chicks grinding against each other. "He knows he's better than other men," Littlefinger transparently teaches. "He's always known it deep down inside, but now he has proof." It was telling enough that the man who once loved Cat -- and had been spurned and scarred because of it -- had become a whore-monger, but this scene really showed us how much Lord Baelish resents the warrior-class. And how much he wants power and affection. Even if it's mock-power and faked affection. "Only by admitting what we are can we get what we want."

It's interesting. It's almost as if, after Baelish lost the duel with Ned's brother all those years ago, that he resigned himself to the fact that he was a villain, in almost a "Mr Glass/Unbreakable"-type scenario. I also liked Baelish's description of Cat when he was asked if his mystery woman was beautiful. "Not especially," he smiled, showing how much his bitterness and longing for revenge trumps his actual desires.

Now, be careful on the Disqus boards below. A***holes will spoil stuff for you. And their reasoning will be that because you never read the books that you are not allowed to enjoy this story as a TV show. Like I said. A**holes. So, by all means, leave a comment but beware the other posts. It's a tricky thing reviewing a show that's so "on point" with the book material. Even The Walking Dead series on AMC strayed more than it stuck.