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Mexican Pulled Pork with Caramelised Onions and Sour Cashew Cream

Mexico has more to offer than just tequila, blow and Salma Hayek’s titties. It also gives the world fucking brilliant food, food that has crunch, goo and spice. Although undeniably delicious, it comes at a friggin’ cost to the body. So when Shannon’s Kitchen’s facebook page received a request to healthify a Mexican meal, I was excited. Ditch the refined sugar, ditch the cheese, ditch the sour cream. “What the fuck is left?!”, I hear you exclaim in horror. Pump the brakes, amigos, it’s all good. Instead of arse-clogging cheese and sour cream, I whipped up cashews into a zesty wetdream. And the pork, oh my god, the pork. It falls apart faster than Charlie Sheen would if he were in a room with the aforementioned tequila, blow and Salma Hayek’s titties. But who could blame him amongst such a formidable combination? The man is not a priest. Similarly, who could blame this pork for melting so succulently, when it has simmered away in a spicy goo for 8 hours? Now, please be an excellent human and purchase only free-range pork. Pigs are lovely, clever creatures, and they deserve to feel the wind in their curly little tails before they have the gong. Alright, let’s cook fuckers.

Ingredients: Serves 4 hungry hippos

*Please don’t be put off by this ingredient list, it is actually a very easy meal to prepare. Nurse’s honour.

Pulled Pork:

– 1kg free-range pork leg (boneless, and slice off the layer of skin if present, but leave some of the subcutaneous fat for flavour. Now, if fat does not scare you in the least, be a porker and go for pork shoulder instead…)

– 2 teaspoons ground cumin

– 1 tablespoon maple syrup

– 600g of salsa

– 10 Medjool dates, pitted chopped

– 2 red capsicums, sliced

– 1 onion, chopped

– sprinkle of salt

– 1 tablespoon chopped oregano

– 1/2 cup chopped coriander

– 4 cloves garlic, finely chopped

– juice of 1 lemon

– (if you’re after a bit of ring-sting, you can whack in a couple of birdseye chillis or cayenne pepper)

Onions:

– 4 onions

– 1 tablespoon oil

– 2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

– 3 tablespoons maple syrup

Sour Cashew Cream:

– 1/2 cup raw cashews

– 2 tablespoons lemon juice

– 2-4 tablespoons coconut milk (depends on desired consistency)

– sprinkle of salt

– 1 finely chopped fresh Medjool date

To Serve:

– corn tortillas

– fresh baby spinach leaves

– a friggin’ Corona

Si?

– alright, so it’s 8 or so hours until go time, so let’s get that pork on. Get your slow-cooker out (or crockpot or whatever slow-cooking device you own)

– put the salsa, maple syrup, garlic, lemon juice, dates, onion, capsicum, oregano and cumin in the pot and give it a stir. Now fetch that lovely piece of pork, and bang it straight on in. Get him in there and give him a good spin around in all the juices

– put the lid on and let him cook on a low heat for 8 hours. Every now and then, if you’re home, go and give him a little stir. It won’t dry out though, not while surrounded by that salsa bath

– when there’s about half an hour to go, get your caramelised onions going. Heat the oil in a frypan over a low heat, and then add your onions. They need to cook slowly, you don’t want to burn those fuckers. After they’ve been cooking for about 20 minutes (with the odd stir), add in the maple syrup and balsamic vinegar, and let them get all sticky and sweet for another 10 minutes

– better get that sour cashew cream going. That’s easy. Get out the blender and bang it all in there: the cashews, the lemon juice, the coconut milk, the salt and date. Then whizz that shit until it’s creamy and excellent

– ready to eat? Get your tortillas ready. Just fry those little puppies over a high heat in a smidge of coconut oil for about 30 seconds each side, they’ll be a little crunchy and awesome

– by now, the pork can just be smooshed with a damn spoon, that’s how soft it will be. So, smoosh it up and stir in the coriander, and get that brew in a tortilla with some sour cashew cream, caramelised onions, and baby spinach leaves

– I strongly advise that you put a napkin on your lap to conceal any sexual excitement

There is also sugar in capsicums, onions, balsamic vinegar, lemon and practically every other food ever. It’s impossible to avoid it altogether. But we can avoid refined sugars and chemical shit sugars such as high fructose corn syrup, cane juice, sucrolose, glucose, maltodextrin, and at least 50 other sneaky names companies come up with for hiding the stuff in our food.