Do You Think It's A Good Idea To Withhold Sex For Chores?

I get newsletters from Baby Center that are usually pretty fun to read or full of information and advice. Today I found this, and thought it was a great idea, since my husband is a hardcore gamer and is on everyday...usually while I'm doing chores. He does help me. He always helps me when I need him to, but he always says "in a minute," and then it takes forever for him to get around to it, and he procrastinates. It's really frustrating, especially when things don't get done for a week! It's a real turn off for me, because how are we supposed to have time for sex when we haven't done the chores we need to do? Sigh...It tires me out.

So here's the article. I'll give you the link, and the article as well, just for the heck of it, and just in case. link

OK to withhold sex for chores?
Sarah and Alicia
Get Buttoned Up
posted: 10/25/2010, 7:24 am

The other day a friend asked me the secret to reducing her never-ending laundry headache.

I thought about it for a minute, held my breath, and said, “have you thought about sex?”

She looked at me quizzically. “Sex?” she asked. “What does laundry have to do with sex?”

Everything, honey, everything.

Feel like a romp in the sack when you’re facing a mountain of household chores after a long day or week? Not so much! Doesn’t help matters when you see your husband watching TV, does it? And tell me, how good are your DH’s odds when he makes eyes at you while you fold the laundry on Tuesday night, which, p.s., you have spent the past 2 hours dealing with while he read the paper? Pretty darn long, right?

Sadly, even in this day and age, statistics show that for every hour a woman spends taking care of the household, her husband spends about 30 minutes doing the same. Happily for all, studies also show that, the more housework husbands do, the more often you are likely to have sex.

Not hard to see why. While I don’t consciously hold out on my DH, factors like stress (to-do list that’s 10 miles long, anyone?) and fatigue are major turn-offs for me. Apparently I am not the only one.

Just imagine what you’d both have time and energy to get to if he tacked on another, say 15 minutes, of helping out each day! I say, the next time you see him lounging on the couch, give him a booty call…in the form of a mop, or broom, or full laundry basket.

I personally don’t think there’s any aphrodisiac quite as potent as delegating a household task to my husband…and having him do it with gusto (and in many cases, better than I could).

How about you, have you ever traded your husband a promise for a romp in the sack in exchange for a helping hand around the house?

Answers (public voting - your screen name will appear in the results):

There's a big difference between offering sex as an incentive and withholding sex. Sex can be a powerful motivator, but I prefer people who'd rather get things done because they have to do them, rather than just because they're going to get something out of it.

On that same note, I think that withholding sex is a really ineffective way of motivating people--it's totally manipulative, plus I lose out on something I like so it's really punishing me, too.

All in all, I'd rather not have to bribe my partner to do things that have to get done in a household; the dishes have to be washed, the trash has to be taken out, and someone's doing the laundry. I don't like having to be a big nag, a few reminders are fine but then I'm gonna get cranky!

I'm single, but this sounds to me like a matter of natural consequence, not withholding or rewarding. Overworked people don't have the energy for sex. Men are not observant creatures, so perhaps they need this correlation pointed out for them, but I'd be careful with the phrasing, so it doesn't sound like a threat or a bribe.

There isn't an option for me and none of these answer your original question. No it's not a good idea...I don't do it and have no need to. We do our house work free of ultimatums and have plenty of sex.

I don't think withholding sex just to get some help would be a good thing for a relationship. Maybe pointing out that there would be more time for fun if they lent a hand would be alright. Or maybe just telling them that all the housework really kicks your ass and you'd appreciate some help.

Long story short, I think there's probably a more productive way to go about it.

Sounds like a win-win for my ex-husband: "No cleaning? No sex? Woo-hoo!"

I really don't see the point in rewarding/withholding sex, anyway. I didn't get any sort of reward/punishment when I had to do chores as a kid. You were expected to do it - it's part of living in a house and being part of the family. It's still part of that dynamic when you're an adult, too.

I don't think withholding sex just to get some help would be a good thing for a relationship. Maybe pointing out that there would be more time for fun if they lent a hand would be alright. Or maybe just telling them that all the housework really
...

I don't think withholding sex just to get some help would be a good thing for a relationship. Maybe pointing out that there would be more time for fun if they lent a hand would be alright. Or maybe just telling them that all the housework really kicks your ass and you'd appreciate some help.

Long story short, I think there's probably a more productive way to go about it.

I agree Beth.

The problem I have with this is that this is how I go about parenting my child. One of the reasons I got divorced from my husband was absolutely hating that to get him to do anything, I took on that parent role.

That's exactly what this is, parenting your partner. If my current partner behaved this way, I'd run in the other direction and not look back. Or maybe I'd parrot his behavior and just stop doing anything around the house until he started nagging me to do it. I'd get in tons of video game time that way!

There's a big difference between offering sex as an incentive and withholding sex. Sex can be a powerful motivator, but I prefer people who'd rather get things done because they have to do them, rather than just because they're going to
...

There's a big difference between offering sex as an incentive and withholding sex. Sex can be a powerful motivator, but I prefer people who'd rather get things done because they have to do them, rather than just because they're going to get something out of it.

On that same note, I think that withholding sex is a really ineffective way of motivating people--it's totally manipulative, plus I lose out on something I like so it's really punishing me, too.

All in all, I'd rather not have to bribe my partner to do things that have to get done in a household; the dishes have to be washed, the trash has to be taken out, and someone's doing the laundry. I don't like having to be a big nag, a few reminders are fine but then I'm gonna get cranky!

It was what the article was called, so I went with it. I don't really "withhold" sex, but if I'm not horny, I'm not doing it either. And when I'm tired, I'm not horny. You know? I just want to sleep.

I'm not a fan of manipulation. I don't do it. Maybe you took this wrong, and I'm sorry! That wasn't my motive.

I'm single, but this sounds to me like a matter of natural consequence, not withholding or rewarding. Overworked people don't have the energy for sex. Men are not observant creatures, so perhaps they need this correlation pointed out for
...

I'm single, but this sounds to me like a matter of natural consequence, not withholding or rewarding. Overworked people don't have the energy for sex. Men are not observant creatures, so perhaps they need this correlation pointed out for them, but I'd be careful with the phrasing, so it doesn't sound like a threat or a bribe.

I like where you're going with this, and I like the points you're making.

The problem I have with this is that this is how I go about parenting my child. One of the reasons I got divorced from my husband was absolutely hating that to get him to do anything, I took on that parent role.
...

I agree Beth.

The problem I have with this is that this is how I go about parenting my child. One of the reasons I got divorced from my husband was absolutely hating that to get him to do anything, I took on that parent role.

That's exactly what this is, parenting your partner. If my current partner behaved this way, I'd run in the other direction and not look back. Or maybe I'd parrot his behavior and just stop doing anything around the house until he started nagging me to do it. I'd get in tons of video game time that way!

Hmmm...That's a good idea too!(Why does the wondering face look like an accusive face? Brrr...)

I do most of the inside chores, hubby does the outside chores and the kids help whoever needs an extra hand. Any chores that over lap just sort of get done. It isn't below hubby to throw laundry in for me nor will he balk at preparing dinner if I'm otherwise occupied. Nor is it below me to take out the trash, feed the chickens or help tie fishing lures and rigs.

Working together makes whatever comes next that much more intense. If he's not interested in being a unit then in my case I would worry there may be other issues that should be addressed. That being said if I want something special like the treadmill fixed cuz yeah it broke last week and he still hadn't looked at it I simply reminded him it's well worth it fixing it. So occasionally there nothing like a lil flirty imagery to get a job done

I actually joined up at EF so we could have MORE sex. Our sex life died when I was on bed rest (read: no orgasms at ALL) for 8 weeks and then 8 weeks of healing time after the kid came... his sex drive left on an extended vacation. It's taken me a year and a half just to get him to want to do it more than once a month. I'm not withholding JACK! lol

Single/No kids. That's the life for me! But if I wasn't I don't think I'd have the self restraint to withold sex for chores. Well, maybe that's a lie. I'd just get it elsewhere until the person I was with got the hint.

Oh my god, that's horrible. But seriously, boys and girls that can't wash their dishes bother the crap out of me.. I'm not your mother!

Nope, never done this..don't think it's a good idea. Honestly I think the issue is more about being on the same page as someone.

I wouldn't offer him ANY kind of incentive for cleaning...other than a clean house! I offer my children incentives for keeping up with their chores, not my husband. My husband is my partner, we both have an equal role in keeping the house clean since we both have full time jobs. It's just fair. There's no reason for us to make deals with each other, it's just what needs to get done and it's both of our responsibilities to do it. Sure there's time that I clean while he's doing something else, just like there is plenty of times that he cooks dinner and cleans while I sit and watch something on tv. Everyone needs a break sometimes and it's good to recognize those times and chip in without being asked, or worse bribed.

I also have sex with him because I want him, not because he does something for me. We have never and will never use sex as a bargaining too for anything. I can't even imagine doing that, it'd just make the sex feel so cheap!

I don't believe in withholding sex for any reason. Sex is what brings a couple closer, it is sharing the most intimate parts of yourself... and not just physically. I would never want to mix that up with every day stuff. Anyway, withholding sex means I don't get any either. Just a bad idea all the way around.

Sorry, my husband busts his ass for 12-14 hours a day. The least I can do is the housework!

Great answer! If I was married and stayed at home I'd feel the same exact way.

I don't have kids and I don't have problems with my partner like this because I'm not married and we don't live together. If we lived together and we both worked I'm not sure if I would withhold sex for chores. I wouldn't do it purposely, but I probably wouldn't be in the mood if we both came home from work and I had to pick up after him and do his chores as well as mine. We'd be a team, so we'd have to work together.

My boyfriend always does something I ask him to do, and he knows I will return the favor. We aren't living together yet, though I know if I ask him to help me do the dishes after dinner, he will help, since he did help dirty them anyway. I also ask him occasionally to scoop the kitty litter, since it's our cat. I wouldn't want to withhold anything from him, especially since he can put up with me procrastinating and being in a bad mood.

I get newsletters from Baby Center that are usually pretty fun to read or full of information and advice. Today I found this, and thought it was a great idea, since my husband is a hardcore gamer and is on everyday...usually while I'm doing
...

I get newsletters from Baby Center that are usually pretty fun to read or full of information and advice. Today I found this, and thought it was a great idea, since my husband is a hardcore gamer and is on everyday...usually while I'm doing chores. He does help me. He always helps me when I need him to, but he always says "in a minute," and then it takes forever for him to get around to it, and he procrastinates. It's really frustrating, especially when things don't get done for a week! It's a real turn off for me, because how are we supposed to have time for sex when we haven't done the chores we need to do? Sigh...It tires me out.

So here's the article. I'll give you the link, and the article as well, just for the heck of it, and just in case. link

The other day a friend asked me the secret to reducing her never-ending laundry headache.

I thought about it for a minute, held my breath, and said, “have you thought about sex?”

She looked at me quizzically. “Sex?” she asked. “What does laundry have to do with sex?”

Everything, honey, everything.

Feel like a romp in the sack when you’re facing a mountain of household chores after a long day or week? Not so much! Doesn’t help matters when you see your husband watching TV, does it? And tell me, how good are your DH’s odds when he makes eyes at you while you fold the laundry on Tuesday night, which, p.s., you have spent the past 2 hours dealing with while he read the paper? Pretty darn long, right?

Sadly, even in this day and age, statistics show that for every hour a woman spends taking care of the household, her husband spends about 30 minutes doing the same. Happily for all, studies also show that, the more housework husbands do, the more often you are likely to have sex.

Not hard to see why. While I don’t consciously hold out on my DH, factors like stress (to-do list that’s 10 miles long, anyone?) and fatigue are major turn-offs for me. Apparently I am not the only one.

Just imagine what you’d both have time and energy to get to if he tacked on another, say 15 minutes, of helping out each day! I say, the next time you see him lounging on the couch, give him a booty call…in the form of a mop, or broom, or full laundry basket.

I personally don’t think there’s any aphrodisiac quite as potent as delegating a household task to my husband…and having him do it with gusto (and in many cases, better than I could).

How about you, have you ever traded your husband a promise for a romp in the sack in exchange for a helping hand around the house?

I wouldn't consciously withold sex or affection for any reason other than I simply do not desire sex, affection is always given freely. To do otherwise is manipulative and decreses in efficacy fairly quickly. It causes more damage to the relationship that just honestly setting some boundaries. In the case of household chores not being done we simply require that they get done by a specific person and if they aren't done then we are sure that only the offending partner (or child) suffers. For instance, you didn't put away your clothes and they got a wrinkled? Sucks to be you, doesn't it? Next time put them away! YOu didn't do the dishes and there aren't enough plates? Guess you either wash them or you don't eat.
In my household Sigel is the best housekeeper but we have a division of labor where even the kids chip in. It's really the only way if you want everyone to be happy. You could remind your husband, in a gentle playing way, that a happy wife is a HORNY wife...

Sorry, my husband busts his ass for 12-14 hours a day. The least I can do is the housework!

Yup have to agree here, when my guys are working long hours I do my hours in housework and making home a place they WANT to come back to! If they are working less hours then they generally chip in (or in Sigel's case completely take over). Thankfully when Sigel does take over he doesn't do it with an air of "I do it better" it's more the fact that he NEEDS to be busy and he is very picky. I told him very early on if he didn't like the way things were done he had two choices: live with it or do it himself! Course that's only because I was raised to do housework properly and I know if I have cleaned something it IS clean, if he has an issue he can deal with it!

I didn't vote because none of them really fit. My husband rarely does any chores, I wish I could get him to help but withholding sex wouldn't do any good. He would just get miserable and even less willing to do anything for me. Plus, he knows he can just take what he wants!

I don't think this is a good idea, regardless of the chore situation. Sex and affection are a couple of the cornerstones of a solid relationship, and when you start manipulating the foundation you put the relationship in serious jeopardy.

I have explained to my man, however, that to me, when he does housework, it's basically foreplay. Which is true... not that I want to manipulate him in that way, it's just that knowing that he wants to pitch in and help is very, very sexy to me.