So if anyone is still reading, or stumbles here by accident, please feel free to stop by and grab free copies using the links below – I do get more value from my work being read than I do from the odd sale, and if you like the respective genres I hope you can enjoy them gratis.

Yesterday, as with many days, I didn’t eat properly. This was partly because yesterday, as with many days, I realised I’d forgotten to buy any food recently, and was too lazy to take corrective measures for this fact.

Fortunately I had a carton of eggs blessed with the kind of longevity that keeps people like me from starving.

The solution to all my dietary problems was clearly a fried-egg sandwich, because a) fried egg sandwiches are the shit, and b) fried egg sandwiches are in the very short list of things I can make without fucking up too badly.

I always fuck the eggs up, but I’m pretty good with the sandwich. On balance it generally works.

Apparently they are. If you’re a blogger you can get free stuff from organisations who want their products reviewed.

Everybody likes free stuff, and I like free stuff too, so today I’m going to do a product review in the hope that I will be offered some of that free stuff. In particular I would like my very own satellite. Not a crappy artificial satellite that relays telecommunications signals, spies on foreign military sites, or pisses off Sandra Bullock by turning into an exciting cloud of orbital debris, but a natural satellite made of rock and other space stuff.

So to increase my chances of being offered one, I will review a similar product: the moon.

A couple of months ago I applied for a job writing content for a PR company. I was asked to bring examples of content I had written, but most of my writing is either serious fiction or stupid stories. So I threw this together to show I could cut it in the real world.

Writing Content for an Interview

You’ve got the interview. Congratulations. But now what? You need to provide examples of content and you’re not sure all the other stupid shit you wrote will cut it in a professional environment?

What’s that? You don’t have a topic yet? Huh. Well, pick something that might make you look clever – like some kind of meta- commentary on your current problem. Don’t worry, there’s no way this will look like you’re trying too hard.

2. Research, research, research.

Google is your friend at this stage. If your article is of an instructional nature, just apply the words ‘How to’ before the title of your article and plagiarise whatever comes up first. Don’t worry – everyone else is writing their own content, so if you think about it, by being the sole plagiarist you’re the one being original.

I noticed something odd when I looked in my bathroom mirror this morning. Somewhat disturbingly, the odd thing seemed to be part of my face. But it did provide the answer to a mystery that has bothered me all week.

It began a few days ago. I thought I was alone in my flat one morning, but then I heard a noise in the bedroom. I went to investigate, fully prepared to tackle a mouse, a cat, or a burglar – or shriek and flee if it proved to be a particularly noisy spider – but what I wasn’t prepared for was a very small giant.

Yep. There was a giant in my flat. A very small one.

After a moment of bewilderment I did what anybody would in such a situation – chased it out with a broom – but it’s presence did concern me a little, especially when, later that night, I encountered a second giant.

This one was even bigger than the first giant (but still very small), and was carrying a sheep under its arm. Again I got my broom and chased it out, but I started to worry.

I don’t always eat vegetables, but when I do I eat vegetables that I don’t particularly like.

The other day I made pea and mint soup. This involves lots of heavy cans of peas which have to be carried an inordinately long distance to my kitchen, twigs from a mint tree or bush or whatever, an onion, and a bunch of other stuff I found in my cupboards – stock cubes, herbs, spices, dust, lint and so on.

Making soup is one of the more boring things one can do with the above ingredients, so I put on some hard-rockin’ tunes to entertain me while I cooked – which, in hindsight, was an error.