Midstate Turkeys Observe 391st Annual Massacre

(UNDATED) – As Americans pause today to give thanks, turkeys everywhere are shitting rocks, fearful they will be next to fall victim to an annual tradition that has claimed the lives of billions of their ancestors over the course of nearly 400 years.

“It happened to my uncle Larry,” said one local turkey, speaking on condition of anonymity out of fear for his safety. “One minute he was raving about the abundance of high-quality corn feed they were shoveling his way. Then before he knew it, he had spikes shoved up his ass and his head was lopped off.”

Most turkeys interviewed for this story seemed unimpressed by the American tradition of Thanksgiving and by the fabled ‘golden ticket’ known as the presidential pardon.

“Sure, one lucky son of a bitch gets pardoned at the White House each year,” said one turkey, speaking anonymously. “It’s kind of like the turkey lottery.”

The very first Thanksgiving is said to have happened 391 years ago, when the Pilgrims and Native Americans broke bread together and shared a feast that preceded a decades-long bloodbath between the two groups that resulted in widespread scalpings and deaths. The era is reflected upon favorably, mostly by Caucasians of European descent.