4.01.2013

No April Fool's Day Joke

Today I had my second ultrasound. They were running about half an hour late so I sat in the waiting room uncomfortably, with a full bladder, a poop knocking on my back door and a tummy full of butterflies. After we were brought back, she tried an external ultrasound with no results and excused me to empty my bladder and, you know, do that other thing. On the way back to the exam room from the bathroom, I burst into tears. I can only imagine what I was having was a mix of sheer terror and post-traumatic stress disorder. I did my best to settle myself down and the transvaginal ultrasound commenced.
The technician suggested I was about 6-weeks along because all she could see was the gestational sac. I told her that was impossible because I found out about 6 weeks ago that I was pregnant. She said she was only there to read the results but it was up to the doctor to make the call. We were escorted back to the waiting room but I went outside to call my mom and try to pull myself back together. I told her what we saw and we both agreed it didn't sound good so once again I hoped for the best but prepared for the worst.
My OBGYN is nothing if not straight to the point and he came in basically saying this was not good news. He put me at 7-8 weeks minimum considering my last period and the fact that I am a very regular menstruator. By this point, the baby would be the size of a blueberry and pretty hard to miss on an ultrasound. A heartbeat should definitely at least be seen if not heard. There should have been a fetal pole. None of the aforementioned applied so he suggested we go home to grieve and think about what we want to do next. He said it was fairly normal for a woman my age to experience at least two miscarriages with the third almost always working out but the thought of trying again makes me want to die. I am not strong enough to deal with this sort of emotional upheaval.
Because Husband has a background in medicine, he and the doctor threw around the idea of another blood draw to test hormone levels and perhaps we should do another ultrasound in a week. My OBGYN humored him but I think it was pretty clear to all of us that we were just trying to postpone the inevitable. After much deliberation, we conceded to the fact that low blood counts the first draw accompanied with two sub-par ultrasounds basically meant there was no good news to be had. There had been little to no development in two weeks and we just needed to come to terms with the fact that this pregnancy wasn't viable.
Naturally, we are devastated and I'm currently awaiting a call from my doctor confirming my D&C appointment. I wanted to tread so cautiously this time but still was sort of careless by telling a handful of people we were pregnant. I was gradually getting more and more comfortable with the idea that this was really going to work. Just like the last pregnancy, I dismissed early questionable news (last time a lack of heartbeat on the doppler, this time low hormone levels) and tried to make excuses for them. Just like the last pregnancy, I am left with nothing but grief. I tried to cling to any glimmer of a symptom but in reality I think that my body was being tricked by hormones. And so today we carry on, with no desire to try again and a renewed sense of gratitude for the family we already have.