Gingrich and Romney: The secret emails revealed

(TheDC Satire) On April 10, Rick Santorum announced that he was suspending his campaign for the Republican nomination. As the news broke that he had finally called it quits, Newt Gingrich, one of the three remaining candidates, began emailing front-runner Mitt Romney in an attempt to finally bring the race to a close.

They are reprinted here for the first time, in their entirety, and without comment.

FROM: Newt Gingrich TO: Mitt Romney April 24, 2012 2:43 p.m.

Willard,

With Santorum’s exit, the time’s finally come for the party to rally around a single candidate. If we are to win this November we need to be united. I think you would agree that a contested convention won’t help us defeat the man who will go down, in all probability, as the worst North American leader in the last quarter millennium (with the possible exception of the 18th Century Shawnee Indian warrior Tenskwatawa).

It is abundantly obvious the momentum is on my side. The delegates are beginning to rally around me. I don’t see how any rational person could possibly imagine anyone other than me being the GOP nominee at this point. To be blunt, it’s time for you to drop out for the sake of our party, our country, our shared Western Civilization.

One hundred forty-eight years ago, at the height of the war between the states, Atlanta was burnt to the ground. Right now, Atlanta is literally the Republican Party, Mitt. Don’t be General Sherman.

Di te incolumem custodiant,

N.G.

FROM: Romney campaign TO: Newt Gingrich April 24, 2012 3:34 p.m

Mr. Speaker,

My name is Gordon Gaines and I’m the Romney campaign’s deputy assistant director for Native American outreach. Governor Romney personally asked that I respond to your thoughtful analysis of the race and where it stands today.

I’m very excited to have a chance to correspond with the man who lead the Republican takeover of the House the same year I was born, and would love to talk to you sometime about what the mid-1990s were really like.

On to your concerns. As always, your thoughts are fascinating, well-researched and not at all delusional. Please realize that I am in no way BCCing my friends from boarding school when I send this. And feel free to email me anytime with your musings on the state of the race and/or advice about picking up chicks with crazy hair.

Fondly,

Gordon Gaines

sent from my iPhone

FROM: Newt Gingrich TO: Mitt Romney April 24, 20125:54 p.m.

Willard,

The year was 732. The Umayyad Caliphate was not just knocking at the door of Christendom, it was in its foyer. Led by “the hammer” Charles Martel, the ill-equipped Frankish Army pushed back the Muslim invaders intent on suffocating Christianity in its crib outside the city of Tours in modern day France. Let’s be very clear: Without Martel’s leadership, what we call Western Civilization, what we call the Judeo-Christian age, would not exist.

I don’t think you quite understand the gravity of the moment, Mitt. I am this moment’s Charles Martel. We are engaged in a civilizational battle every bit as big as the Battle of Tours, both globally and domestically. I can save our civilization. But you need to do your part by dropping out of the race.

You have to ask yourself this question, Mitt: Will you help me save our civilization for your grandkids? Or will you be responsible for condemning them to Dhimmi status, if not wholesale slaughter?

The choice is yours. But make no mistake, history’s eyes are glaring down upon you.

Di te incolumem custodiant,

N.G.

FROM: Romney campaign TO: Newt Gingrich April 24, 20126:48 p.m.

NEWT!!!!

All your emails are just being forwarded to me now, so I have to ask, WHERE R U? Me and a bunch of the interns left early to go to Smith Point. We’re friends with the bouncer so everything is cool. If you come I guarantee to get you laid.

Gordon Gaines

sent from my iPhone

FROM: Newt Gingrich TO: Ann Romney April 24, 20127: 25 p.m.

Ann,

A glitch seems to be forwarding my emails to Mitt to some functionary on the campaign’s staff. It is crucial that you let Mitt know that I need to talk to him immediately about the fate of the human race. I’ll have my phone on me, but I will be attending to some business at Smith Point in Georgetown for the next few hours.