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Archive for the tag “sex”

How many times have we heard about, read about, or know someone who excused a decision by this phrase: “God wants me to be happy.”

Does he want us to be happy? Within the bounds of his standards, I believe he does. He wants us to find our happiness in Him. Unfortunately most of the time when people say God wants them to be happy, they’re pursuing happiness apart from God’s will for us.

Biblical happiness isn’t found in stuff of this earth – physical, material, or even emotional. Nowhere in the Bible does God look fondly on one who rebels against his standards. Including for one’s own happiness.

One word that conveys happiness in the New Testament is “makarios.” It’s usually translated as “blessed.” God does want to bless us. But that blessing is most often dependent on our obedience (Ps 103:17-18; Jn 8:31; 2Cor 7:15). “Makarios” is found in the the Sermon on the Mount, and the book of Revelation (1:3; 14:13; 16:15; 19:9; 20:6; 22:7, 14). Another Greek word is “euthymei” which means “be of good cheer.” This is found in James 5:13. In the OT the Hebrew term is “ashre.” It means “blessed,” “happy,” “elated.” It’s found in 2 Chronicles 9:7. That will be all for today’s ancient language lesson.

God has often asked those that truly follow him to make decisions that will make them unhappy. Choosing not to deny Christ as you’re being martyred doesn’t sound very happy. There are times when exacting revenge on someone would’ve made me a lot happier than forgiving them. This idea of “I deserve to by happy because… And if I’m not happy, I should be allowed to do whatever to be happy. Nothing else matters,” is ridiculous! And I’m talking about born-again believers here.

Sometimes it doesn’t matter if someone else is going to get hurt, people will still think that God is blessing their decision. “But God gave us free will.” Yes, he did. We have free will, but it’s not without consequences. If you choose to have unprotected sex with multiple partners, statistically, you will get a non-curable STD. That’s a consequence of free-will. If you choose to be unfaithful to your spouse (even in an internet chat room) you may likely face the consequence of losing your family and home in an ugly divorce.

Truth takeaway: God wants us to be happy in following his will; staying within his standards. Because he knows that’s the the only place real peace and contentment are found. Outside of that, your happiness is irrelevant. What God really wants is personal sanctification (set-apartness) from us.

Freedom takeaway: By living a life where our happiness comes from walking with the Lord in personal holiness, we’ll be truly happy and blessed. We’ll be free from chasing happiness that leads nowhere.

In these days, two people can bring a varying amount of sexual experience, knowledge about sex, and exposure to sex into a relationship. The combination of all these is what we’ll call “sexual information.”

Vulnerability is extremely important. There will be no spiritual, emotional, or good sexual intimacy without vulnerability.

A couple that has different ideas, experiences, knowledge, desires, and beliefs about anything are not compatible, generally. In a God-centered marriage the idea is to take what incompatibilities there are and make them complement each other. Of course the more compatible a couple is overall the easier and less work it’ll take. What is going to make them compatible is “two becoming one” (Eph. 5:31).

So how do we actually live out all of this, particularly in regards to sex?

While, stereotypically, it’s the husband who is the one who is ready to do whatever/whenever/however with his new bride, that’s not always the case. There are women out there that come into a marriage with a lot more sexual information than their husbands. For the sake of this article I’m going to call the spouse with more sexual information “Mentor” and the one with less sexual information the “Protege.”

It’s the mentor’s responsibility to be as sexually active (frequency and ecstasy) as the protege feels comfortable. It’s the protege’s responsibility to let the mentor show them how it all should work; being taught to have sex at the mentor’s level. The idea is the more “educated” spouse gently teaches and encourages the spouse with less sexual information. The goal, in time, is the Protege becoming as sexually informed as the Mentor-spouse. Vulnerability, gentleness, selflessness, and transparent communication are key in this.

Do a lot of stuff you both like.

Try something new the other suggests, in small doses if necessary.

Do something you don’t care about but the other person likes. Start doing it every now and then and building up in frequency as you get used to it.

Like exercise, it’s the heavy lifting that causes the biggest muscle growth. Simply put, you’ll grow more by really stretching your limits. “What if I don’t get used to that activity or don’t like it?” Developing compatibility – and marriage in general – is about them, not you. If a sexual act is really a problem, talk about it respectfully and be mindful of their feelings.

One disclaimer: There should be no manipulation, badgering, guilting, or shaming by either the Mentor or Protege. None of those actions speak or show love. Also, neither should ask or expect the other to commit a sinful act (extra participant, illegal act, public display of nudity).

Such compatibility isn’t something you’re going to accomplish in a week. Expect it to take a long time. Maybe even years. What’s more important than sexual quality or quantity is the intimate connection between you two.

Marriage compatibility, overall, should take precedence over sexual compatibility. If you are concerned sexual compatibility is or will be an issue, consider the steps I mentioned to help close the compatibility gap.

Hopefully this series helps shed some light on the lies behind what sexual compatibility is not. Most of all I hope it draws you closer to your spouse in your whole marriage.

What can you do to become more compatible with your spouse? What three things (sex or otherwise) do you despise doing that you know they would love for you to?

On the last post about sexual compatibility I ended with the question, “How do two Christians, with varying degrees of sexual information, approach the differences in their sex life?”

In J.M. Smiths’ Blog (and here), he quotes a friend who wrote about sexual compatibility. [I cannot find the link to Olatunde Howard’s article on his blogsite so I’ll just link to the site]. Mr. Howard suggests the key to sexual intimacy and compatibility is vulnerability. Not a word that most people want to hear, especially with such a sensitive and personal aspect of their being. Here’s what Mr. Howard said about it:“God created the sexes, and thus created “sexual compatibility.” This is sexual compatibility: ‘Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.'(Gen 2:5). Sexual compatibility is the intimacy of vulnerability, physically, soulically, and spiritually. It means the man and woman are perfectly complimentary…Not from Mars and Venus…Not “opposite sexes”…Not at war, even after the fall of humanity.They are not each others enemies, not in competition or opposition. They don’t need to ‘perform’ in or out of bed.”

He goes on to say, “Relationships, even the best relationships, will take work. To understand another mind takes effort. Good effort, but effort none the less. The same is true with marital sex. Joining two distinct bodies will take sensitivity, time, and love. Husbands and wives can’t be more compatible than they are, but they can truly and intimately know each other, or not know each other very well at all. We are the images of [God], the One who can’t be known without revelation. Sex in marriage is a revelation. Spouses can’t experience sexual compatibility automatically any more than they can read each others minds. The core issue of sexual compatibility is vulnerability – of being naked and not ashamed.”

“But the truth is this: unlike in the movies, you will have to talk to find out what is sexually pleasing to your spouse.”

I agree with that last line. Not only will you need to find out what is pleasing, but displeasing as well. Also, what do they like more than something else? Is it about physical pleasure with them, or emotional connection? What are the deal breakers – things that will cause hurt feelings if done or not done? What differences do we have?

…Which is not something that must be learned by getting naked before marriage. It is learned by transparency and vulnerability both before and after the wedding.

“Being as frank, direct, and graphic as possible with the spouse. This kind of openness encompasses the Biblical idea of the husband “knowing” (Hebrew: yada’) his wife…All of will have some of these issues to lesser or greater extremes”

…Both need to be – actually, they need get – comfortable talking about sex openly. Sex between a married couple is God’s design and a physical symbol of the relationship between the church and Christ. It’s not bad or naughty. If it helps, write fantasies, dreams, and likes in a story format (with only you two as the subjects) then hand them for the other to read so that they get a descriptive mental picture.

“Talking about these things and responding sensitively, based on the vulnerability it takes to speak about these issues, will be the most important thing a couple can do to be sexually compatible. What it boils down to is this: Compatibility, sexually, spiritually, or emotionally, is a fluid and relational experience, not a state that either exists or does not. It is a kind of sensitive yielding, not an innate sexual ability.”

Vulnerability is necessary for real sexual compatibility. No matter how much sexual information someone brings to the relationship. Hopefully we’ve discarded the myth the sexual compatibility is something that does or doesn’t exist and must be “test driven” to be determined.

Next, some practical steps to achieving more compatibility (vulnerability) in the bedroom.

(This is part 1 of a 3 part series. I’ll release the other 2 parts on the next 2 Sundays).

It seems like the subject of “sexual compatibility” has been coming up a lot lately. You see it on TV and the internet. People – including Christians – use it as a reason to have premarital sex. They also use it as a reason to divorce. What does the Bible say about sexual compatibility? Traditionally most couples, particularly Christian, never had sex until they were married. They only knew what someone told them. Both were comparatively ignorant about sex and sexuality when they reached that first night.

Now we learn about sexual specifics in a much more fluid and informed society than in times past. We know more about all manner of sexual activity than our grandparents knew at that age. I don’t have statistics but I think we can all agree that by the time people are getting married (20s-30s) they have a lot of sexual exposure, knowledge, and/or experience (we’ll call these “sexual information”) – even among professed Christ-followers. With years of sexual information behind them, the levels of sexual information between a couple can be night and day.

In the present day we have people entering in relationships and being as concerned with sexual compatibility as any other aspect of marriage. A Relevant magazine article states that “80 percent of Christians in the 18-29 age range…have had sex before marriage.” In a survey of Christian married couples done by The Marriage Bed only 21% of those couples did not have sex before their wedding. 49% of those surveyed had intercourse (“Wedding Night Survey”). Some of those are having intercourse after participating in “purity” programs such as True Love Waits. Is sexual compatibility that important in a marriage?

“The primary problem with this notion of sexual chemistry is that it focuses sex on pleasure and performance… God gave sex as a gift to be exclusively enjoyed by a husband and wife as a means of loving, caring, serving, honoring, and enjoying each other in marriage. So sexual compatibility between a married couple comes neither from ecstasy (how good the sex is) nor frequency (how often you have it) but mainly from intimacy, which occurs as love, trust, security, and respect deepen through the longevity of a monogamous, self-giving, covenant relationship.

From the many conversations I’ve had with those who are happily married with healthy, God-honoring sex lives, I’ve learned that true sexual compatibility, if we must call it that, happens when two people commit themselves first to God, and then to each other. This covenant commitment affords an opportunity for a husband and wife to unconditionally serve and love the way Jesus loves his bride, the church (Eph. 5:22-33). Marriage is a journey in which two incompatible, selfish sinners learn to become one. There will thus be multiple things — including sex — that both parties will have to figure out together along the way.

…Therefore, I’m willing to trust God and wait, not because I want to have the most euphoric wedding night with someone I’m perfectly sexually compatible with, but because I want a healthy, God-honoring marriage after the wedding night with the person to whom I’ve just committed my life.”

This article by Mr. Baoku hits the nail on the head. If there’s one thing I have learned in 16 years of marriage: it isn’t about sex, physical pleasure, and being compatible in the bedroom. It really is about a whole God-honoring marriage.

Hopefully this sets the stage for the next part of this discussion. Ideally, physical aspects of sexual compatibility shouldn’t be an issue. But an issue it is. So how do to two Christians, with varying degrees of premarital sexual exposure and/or experience (i.e. sexual information), approach the differences in their sex life? Next time we’ll look at how vulnerability ties into compatibility. Then I’ll suggest some ideas to actually walk that out.