Pig Product, Anyone?

I was sired and raised by a Neanderthal. (Please refer to my blog from November 2010 www.hyphenista.com/?p=88. This would be an excellent synopsis of my Dad for you new readers.)

I married someone who cleans his ears with pen caps and proudly displays Kate Upton as his screen saver.

I have produced 2 fairly vile boys. I find avocado tinged boogers crusted on my vanity mirror and chewed up gum in my coffee cup. And- don’t (never say I didn’t warn you)- ever use any of the bathrooms at my house. Ever. The toilets and walls are stained with The Arc of Urine. (This occurs when either boy chooses to pee without using his phalanges for assistance. Said boy distracts easily, when, say heat comes out of the air vent, and turns away from the toilet. That is when the Arc of Urine sprays all over.)

But every year (or every other), nothing really prepares me for the invasion of males to my home during the Army Navy game. This year, 9 of my husband’s man friends ascended from all over the country- coming as far as Hawaii- to imbibe, show rather obscene gluttony, watch football for 72 hours, and say a lot of creative curse words.

They are all very sweet to me- I kind of feel like they are my dwarves. They bring me wine, bring the boys candy and Fire Safety coloring books, unload my dishwasher, and compliment my food to no end. (It is really touching, I know my husband has coached them all, but I pretend to be flattered to no end). We chit chat about our children and compare notes on working with/being married to Gregg.

Of all the offenses that occur during the weekend, it’s the gluttony that always strikes me. (Nothing scandalous really happens- we are talking about a group of middle aged men in financial services…although, this year I almost saw a naked man that was not related to me for the first time in a very long time. Which would have been mildly entertaining for me, but at the last minute I chose to close my eyes.)

The preparation for the invasion requires a plan close to what I imagine the CIA had in capturing Bin Laden. This year, I found myself up until 1:23 am the Wednesday before rolling meatballs. I had to venture out to Giant, Colonial Meats, Costco, Trader Joe’s and Total Wines to purchase all the necessary ingredients for the menu. How can these people consume so many calories in one sitting? How does one not eat a vegetable in a 3-day period? (Salsa doesn’t count.) My arteries re-clog just thinking about it. I tallied the poundage of some items: 13 lbs of ground sirloin, 5 lbs of sausage, 3 lbs of Velveeta, 5 lbs of various cheese medleys (Feta, Parmesan, Mozzarella, Provolone, American, Cheddar to name a few), 4 lbs of bacon, 36 eggs. I know, gross. Until next year, my pantry will be bare of 1 pounder bags of chips, Tub O’ Cheesy Poofs and 50 (yes 50) sub rolls….