2014 New York Auto Show highlights

The New York International Auto Show is best known by its initials, NYIAS, which is the Iroquois word for “Move your fucking truck, asshole!” Here are some of the highlights from the show.

Mazda celebrated the 25th anniversary of the MX-5 with a display of historic Miatas, including two of the original cars revealed at the 1989 Chicago Auto Show. The exhibit was closed after one day when Mazda realized it reminded people how much smaller, lighter and better the Miata used to be.

Chevrolet revealed the 2015 Trax, a small SUV described as “a Buick Encore for people under the age of 80”.

One of the few concept vehicles revealed at the show, the Land Rover Discovery Vision features a “Smart Glass” system which projects graphics into the windshield. The system can be used off-road to show the terrain immediately ahead, and on-road to show a world where the Discovery isn’t fucking up the environment and sucking down our dwindling oil reserves.

Nissan introduced an all-new Murano, explaining that the front-end styling was inspired by the Sport Sedan Concept revealed earlier this year in Detroit, while the rear-end styling was inspired by one of the designers having a seizure while working on the clay model.

The 2015 Dodge Charger, yesterday

Chrysler revealed the restyled 2015 Dodge Charger, which trades the old car’s aggressive styling for a kinder, gentler front end modeled after the Dart. Chrysler did not reveal how much weight they saved by cutting off the Charger’s testicles.

Ford announced a 50th Anniversary Edition of the new 2015 Ford Mustang which will reach dealerships just in time for the Mustang’s 51st anniversary.

Volkswagen unveiled the facelifted 2015 Jetta. VW officials say they were able to cut 18 months from the development schedule and reduce costs by nearly half by making the new car identical the old one.

Bentley announced that it will return to the American motorsports scene in conjunction with Dyson Racing, a Poughkeepsie, NY-based racing team unrelated to the UK vacuum cleaner manufacturer. Autoblopnik regrets this, as we were really looking forward to writing a joke about a pairing between British things that suck.

Mitsubishi staged a press event that included a pyrotechnics display, a performance by the Swedish Nude Ballet, the announcement of a new Pope, and a ritual human sacrifice. It received no press coverage whatsoever.

Volvo revealed a picture of the dashboard of a car that won’t go on sale for another two years, and it still received more coverage than Mitsubishi’s press event.

We’re not quite sure, yesterday

Hyundai unveiled the 2015 Sonata mid-size sedan with more sedate styling and engines with reduced horsepower and torque. New CEO Dave Zucchini said Hyundai is attempting to emulate the success model of Toyota by making product decisions that make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Fiat showed the Alfa-Romeo 4C, a lightweight mid-engine sports car, and announced firm plans to bring it to the US market. Since the announcement, sperm banks across the New York metropolitan area have been reporting an alarming decrease in donations.

Finally, Honda announced that their upcoming subcompact crossover utility vehicle will be called the HR-V. Other Hondas that make sexually suggestive comments or otherwise act inappropriately will be sent to it for disciplinary action.