Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Insert Horrible Sephiroth Immitation Here

"Hey, Adrian!"

The white-haired librarian, dressed in fresh black shirt and pants along with a sky-blue trenchcoat and fresh from his latest adventure in chasing down Stus and Sues (with little success this time around), lifted his head from the stack of books on his desk as his comrade-in-arms Blake skidded to a stop in his doorway. "Ah, there you are. I was waiting for you."

"I'm always glad to help out a friend. " Blake said, then noticed the stack of books that were on Adrian's desk and a good number of them were actually floating in mid-air behind the Librarian. "Ummm… what are you doing? And why are the books floating?

"Oh, since I'm the primary researcher for the Society, I'm trying to figure out why Flare is hanging out in Metal Gear Solid and why he wants only you and what trap he's setting." With a frustrated huff, Adrian slammed the book he was reading shut. "But I've turned up nothing so far." Sighing, he gestured absent-mindedly and the floating books all zoomed off and re-shelved themselves. "As to why the books float, it's my library, so I get to do that kind of thing. It's…" He struck a dramatic pose. "Cooler that way!"

Blake just stared. "…right…" He re-adjusted his sword. "You ready to go?"

The Librarian ran a hand through his hair and sighed as he leaned back in his chair. "Almost, Blake. I've got a food bill to sort out, tons of reports to file and find some way to finally get Silver to shut up about his 'perfection.' The dynamite I used last time didn't even muss his hair up."

A blink hid Blake's eyes for a moment. "You… dynamited him?"

"Only recently. Before that, I dropped a five-ton safe on his head, which just bounced off."

"Why would a Library have dynamite?"

Now it was Adrian's turn to shrug. "Why shouldn't it?"

Blake opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off as a loud 'thwang!' sound followed by a startled yell filled the hallway. "What was that?"

"That-" Adrian said smugly. "Would be Tash falling into the booby-trap I set around my cookie supply. She should currently be hanging upside down by her ankle."

"You booby-trapped your cookies?" Blake asked incredulously.

"They're good cookies." Both them paused as Tash's yells reached their ears.

"WHY THE BLOODY HELL WOULD THERE BE LASERS IN THE WALLS! THEY SHOT MY HAT! I SWEAR, WHEN I GET DOWN FROM HERE, I'M GOING TO-"

Adrian and Blake listened for several minutes as their immediate superior in the Society rattled off a very impressive list of British curses and swear words as well as threats as to what she would do to Adrian.

"You know…" The white-haired boy said slowly. "I'd probably be more impressed if I understood half of what she was yelling."

"Probably." Blake agreed.

"And I shouldn't have denied her sugar so soon after she took that nasty knock to the head in the Card Captor fandom."

"You shouldn't have."

"And the lasers were a bit much, now that I think on it. Especially since they shot her new hat. She's very fond of her hats."

"She is."

Adrian looked at his comrade. "Blake, she's going to kill me, isn't she? And then bring me back to life and do it again?"

"Most definitely."

The Librarian leaned back in his chair and pressed his fingers together thoughtfully. "The mature thing to do would be to is cut her down, buy her a new hat, let her have some cookies and apologize profusely to her on my hands and knees."

"It would be the right thing to do."

"My only other option is to go to FF7 and face-down a potentially dangerous Mary-Sue who will more than likely have several extremely powerful video game characters to back her up. All of whom could crush me without much effort."

"That's the only other option."

Silence reigned in Adrian's office for a long moment, broken only by Tash's furious yells that Adrian was going to pay for denying her sugar and delaying her essay.

Then the white-teen vaulted over his desk, grabbed his staff and bolted past Blake and dashed down the hallway, yelling: "I'm coming for you, Sephiroth!" at the top of his lungs.

TTTTTTTTTTTT

In the world of Final Fantasy 7, everything was perfect.

A year after the removal of Geostigma and three years after the destruction of Meteor and the saving of the world, Sephiroth, that awesomely powerful god-like swordsman who was forever cursed to have bishie fangirls pairing him almost every other male character in the game and then some, returned from where egomaniacs with god-complexes go after being killed twice and attempted to take over the world again.

And it looked like he was actually going to succeed. The members of AVALANCHE attempted to stop him, but with only Cloud, Vincent Valentine, Tifa and Yuffie being able to actually fight well, the remaining members of AVALANCHE (who consisted of Red XIII, Barret, Cid and a stuffed cat/moogle robot named Cait Sith), quickly had the snot beat out of them by Sephiroth while the remaining four members engaged the silver-haired swordsman in a long-drawn out battle that leveled several buildings, involved impossible acts of defying physics such as fighting on pieces of falling rubble while ignoring gravity, took the better part of fifty minutes and involved Sephiroth asking them the rhetorical question: "Shall I give you despair?" and then answering it himself by laying the smackdown and cleaving large skyscrapers apart for amusement.

The world's greatest heroes lay defeated at his feet and the world was in his grasp…

Then she appeared.

With a perfect figure in all respects and solidly beautiful brown eyes and with long hair (long then Sephiroth's, even.) that swished gracefully with step she took, Mary-Ann Francesca Amber Holiday Twilight Yana the Third (and ½) arrive on the scene, sword in hand and ready to stop the violence.

After battling her for a good six minutes, Sephiroth realized that she was just as good he was and could probably beat him if she tried.

But that never happened as Mary-Ann launched into a very impassioned speech (including tears and puppy dog eyes). No one could really remember what is was actually about, but somehow by the time she was done, the members of AVALANCHE felt better about themselves and Sephiroth was feeling very ashamed for what he had done and so desperately wanted to make up for it. (There were no tears from Sephiroth, though. He was too manly.)

During the next several weeks, Mary-Ann managed to help repair the shattered world. She, after several strangely logical arguments and impassioned words (with a few tears), managed to convince even Cloud that Sephiroth had reformed and was a good guy again.

Then, she made Cloud and Tifa realize their love for one another after gentling explaining to Cloud that Aerith was gone, but she'd live on in the Lifestream and in his memory and it was okay to move on while somehow convincing Tifa that it wouldn't hurt if she emphasized her already impressive bust once in a while.

Following that, Mary-Ann did the unimaginable and got Vincent to accept that Lucrecia was gone, it wasn't entirely his fault and even got him to smile. Amazingly, once that happened, Vincent also accepted his feelings for Yuffie while Mary-Ann simultaneously got the young ninja girl to stop stealing everyone's materia as they slept.

With those three major problems out of the way, she quickly introduced Barret to solar power as an alternative source of energy and helped him start up his own power company, thereby making him the second richest person on the Planet, with the first being Mary-Ann.

She found Red XII a mate of his own species.

Cait Sith - and the man who control him - Reeve, she gave them the necessary information and technology to make the Word Regenisis Organization live up to its name and heal the Planet of its wounds, including the North Crater.

Cid… got a pack of cigarettes. (Lucky Stripes.)

Then Mary-Ann moved out of Edge and began to date Sephiroth, who was now running a dojo for those who wanted to learn swordsmanship and honor.

Yes, all was perfect in the world of FF7.

And yet… deep down, in a dusty corner of their minds, all of the characters felt that something was amiss, that something wasn't right. It taunted them like a dream, dangling off the tips of their tongues, but with no one able to put voice to it.

If only someone would come and tell them what it was.

Someone must know what was wrong.

But who is this someone who will tell them?

TTTTTTTTTTT

"Run, dammit! Run!"

"What do think I'm doing!"

Blake and Adrian ran at top speed across the expanse of desert, their strides eating ground at a ferocious pace and kicking up sand in their wake. Now, due to the lack of water and extreme heat, its common sense that you walk in the desert to conserve energy and hydration.

But common sense also says that when you are being chased by a twenty-story, biomechanical Weapon colored green and armed with enough firepower to level a city, you run like hell if you want to live.

The two Society Members' ducked instinctively Emerald Weapon unleashed a barrage of lasers from its shoulder-mounted cannons, peppering the ground with miniature mushroom clouds of sand in the air and pelting them with grains of sand.

"Why the hell is it chasing us!" Blake called to his companion as he leapt a sand dune in a single leap, Emerald's feet pounding after them. "And why is it Emerald Weapon? I thought that thing was supposed to be underwater!"

"How should I know!" Adrian yelled back. "All I did was lock-on to the strongest energy source I could find! I didn't think it would be a Weapon!"

"Can't you boot it in the head!"

"Are you joking? Who do you think I am, Chuck Norris! I'd shatter every bone in my body!"

"Then how we supped to kill it!"

"W- Summon Knights of the Round with HP absorb linked and mime until its dead." Adrian looked confused for a moment, as if he didn't know why he had just said that.

"What was that?"

"Never mind. Let's just keep running!"

"Fine. And that's a cheap strategy!" Now it was Blake's turn to look confused.

"What?"

"Let's just run!"

Adrian gripped his staff near the head and snapped it up like he was holding a sword. "Fall forever in my dreams, Hoshikuzu!" The staff glowed and morphed into an elegantly shaped one-handed long sword with a rapier-like hilt that fit perfectly in his grasp. Skidding to a stop, the Librarian thrust the blade at the giant Weapon chasing them. "Take this!"

Lighting shot from the length of the blade and struck Emerald Weapon, arcing and skittering all across the Weapon's body as it slowed to a stop and shuddering wildly from the attack, twitching and jerking.

Blake slid to a stop. "You're actually beating it?"

Adrian didn't respond, but instead planted the blade point first in the ground and made a series of gestures as a sphere of light began gather above the end of the hilt. Completing the gestures, he thrust both hands forwards and launched the sphere of light straight at Emerald Weapon.

The sphere exploded on impact with force far greater than its size would suggest, actually rocking the ground at bit and launching a mushroom cloud of sand smoke into the air and obscuring Emerald Weapon from view.

Smiling, Adrian shouldered his blade as Blake walked up to stand next to him. "Guess I'm more powerful than I thought."

On cue, a laser bolt lanced out from the cloud and zipped over Adrian's shoulder. Both Blake and the Librarian watched silently as a few strands of white hair drifted to the ground and shoulder of his trenchcoat smoke a little. Then they glanced up unison as the smoke cloud cleared to reveal Emerald Weapon still standing, looking no worse for the wear, but very irritated.

Then the pair tore off again, the angry Weapon stomping right behind them, firing lasers all the while.

TTTTTTTTTTTT

Tifa Lockhart hummed softly to herself as she walked down the streets of Edge, a bag of groceries in each hand. Life was good. Cloud had finally fallen for her and she couldn't be happier! Every moment was treasured when they were together!

Rounding the corner, she smiled to herself when she noticed Cloud's motorcycle, Fenrir, parked near the 7th Heaven's front entrance. That mean her favorite spiky-headed warrior was tending the bar like a good little boyfriend.

"Hey, Tifa!"

The martial artist turned to see Mary-Ann, dressed in pants and shirt and still-looking gloriously beautiful with her high cheek bones, ivory skin and big eyes, running up to her as Mary-Ann's hair swished gracefully behind her, Sephiroth walking behind her with an slightly-amused look on his face.

"Mary-Ann!" Tifa set the groceries down and greeted her friend with a hug, trying to ignore the feeling that something was… off… about the girl. "What are you doing here?"

"Are you kidding?" Mary-Ann smiled. "There's no way Sephiroth and I would not want to come to the 7th Heaven to see our favorite barkeep!"

"Aren't I the only barkeep you know?" Both girls laughed as Sephiroth caught up with them.

"Miss Lockhart." The former hero general-turned-god-complex-maniac-turned-good-guy greeted her with a slight bow at his waist.

"Sephiroth." Tifa didn't hug him, though. She was still wary of the silver-haired swordsman.

"I trust you and Cloud are doing well."

"Yes. We are."

"Did you get the Wutai Liquor shipment in?"

"I did."

"I'm looking forwards to having a glass."

"I'll be sure to save one for you."

Mary-Ann glanced between the two as they carried on their polite conversation and frowned, smooth forehead creasing. (I don't understand. I'm a Mary-Sue! My powers should have made everyone happy and cheerful to one another! But I can't even manage that or get Cloud to fall in love with me!) Mary-Ann had only helped the characters find their 'loves' so that it would be more painful to them when she took them away, thus leaving them wounded and unable to fight back against her influence. (Why aren't my powers working as well as they should?)

She pulled out of her evil-Sue-type thoughts as the sound of an engine filled the street. All three of watched as motorcycle with a pair of riders on it roared around the corner far faster than it should have been, skidding wildly. But the driver managed to keep control of the vehicle and shot down the street and braked hard, jerking to a halt in front of the 7th Heaven and leaving a long stretch of melted rubber behind them.

The driver, a teenager dressed in a sky-blue trenchcoat and with white hair, killed the engine and smiled to himself. "Its good thing we managed to get the Gold Saucer into loaning this thing to us. We'd never have made it out of the desert, otherwise." He glanced at the bar's sign and nodded. "And I got us here in record time."

His companion, a second teenage boy with black hair and a sword strapped to his back, staggered off the back of the bike, his face as white as his friend's hair. "By nearly wrecking and killing us at least a dozen times, Adrian."

"Oh, it wasn't so bad, Blake."

"Are you kidding? My life flashed before my eyes! And I wasn't even in it!"

"Well, it builds character. Now, let's go. We have to fix this world up before that Sue causes too much damage."

Mary-Ann scowled beautifully when she noticed the logo on Blake's shirt. (It looks like he's a member of the Elimination Society…but who's the other guy?) Then Adrian lifted his head and she swore softly under breath when his violet eyes met her green ones. (The Librarian? I didn't know he joined up!)

"Sephie!" She shouted, using her pet name for Sephiroth and pointed at Blake and Adrian. "Those two are here to cause trouble and hurt me! You need to get rid of them!"

Both teens looked towards them as Sephiroth pulled out Masamune, his eight-foot-long nodachi, out of thin air and leapt towards the pair, ready to cleave them half with a single swing.

Adrian was first to react and launched himself towards Sephiroth, sparks flashing as his Hoshikuzu blocked the Masumune halfway down its length, but even blocking Sephiroth's blow nearly threw him off his feet. Gritting his teeth, the teenager pushed hard against the blade-lock. "Blake! Hurry up and take out that Sue!"

"What! But I can't let you fight alone!" Blake's hand was already going for his sword. "Not against Sephiroth!"

"Don't worry, I'll be fine!" Adrian danced back as another of Sephiroth's swings lashed over his head and countered by thrusting at Sephiroth's exposed chest, but the former general stopped the blow with hilt of his sword. "If you get the Sue, I won't have to worry about fighting him!"

Reluctant to leave his friend behind, Blake turned to face the Sue was nearly bowled over as Mary-Ann zipped by on Fenrir, disappearing around the corner. Swearing to himself, Blake leapt back onto their borrowed bike and quickly started the engine while muttering a few quick prayers that he didn't wind up killing himself.

The Librarian leapt high and thrust down at Sephiroth's head, sparks flying as the blow was blocked and Blake disappeared around the corner after Mary-Ann. Landing on his feet, Adrian leapt up again and landed atop a nearby rooftop, Sephiroth seconds behind him and his sword slashing.

"Librarian Art 2: A Thousand Words in an Instant!" Adrian suddenly vanished and Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. Then he was moving again, sword a blur as something lashed out at him from every direction, so many sparks flying that they actually obscured the silver-haired swordsman for a moment.

Adrian reappeared in front of Sephiroth in the next moment, looking disappointed that his attack had failed. Then he glanced down at his coat and frowned as several small rips and tears appeared all over it, indicating that Sephiroth hadn't just been blocking his thousand blows, but counter-attacking as well. "Dang…I don't think I've ever had a coat survive a mission…"

"Hmmmph." Sephiroth raced towards Adrian, moving so fast that it looked like he was gliding across the ground, Masamune raised to skewer the interloper.

"Librarian Art 6: Shield of Silence!" Adrian held up his hands and suddenly all the sound in area vanished, Sephiroth's blade glancing off an invisible wall once, twice, three times without a single noise.

The former general glared darkly at his opponent while Adrian just smiled and waved at him.

Then a wave of blue energy raced across the rooftop and slammed into the shield, blasting it part and sending Adrian bouncing and skidding wildly across the rooftop. Groaning, the Elimination Society member got his feet and saw Cloud Strife standing next to Sephiroth, an angry look on his face and the large First Tsurigi still planted in the ground from the Blade Beam attack. "Oh, c'mon…"

Both Sephiroth and Cloud charged Adrian and the Librarian quickly leapt away, bringing Hoshikuzu into a guard position as the master swordsmen came at him from the left and the right. (Hurry up, Blake!)

TTTTTTTTTTTT

"Mary-Ann Francesca Amber Holiday Twilight Yana the Third (and ½)! By order of the Elimination Society, you are under arrest!" Blake shouted loudly over the roar of the engines to make himself heard.

"Not a chance, copper!" Mary-Ann glared at him over her shoulder and revved her engine, pulling ahead by a couple of feet.

(How cliché can you get?) Blake pushed his bike harder as they played a dangerous game of cat-and-mouse through the streets of Edge, ducking and weaving between cars, mailboxes and pedestrians who weren't quite fortunate enough to get out of the way in time.

Now, Blake is not the best driver in the world, a fact he freely admits. And as anyone will tell, driving a motorcycle is much harder than driving a car. But the streets of Edge were wide and there were few obstacles in way, so he was doing better than he normally would have. But the bike he and Adrian had borrowed wasn't quite up to par with the Fenrir Mary-Ann had stolen and she was slowly pulling away from him.

But Blake had an edge up his sleeve. The Reality Wand recently created by a Harry Potter author. Using it, he could temporarily freeze the reality, save for anything that didn't belong in it, like himself and a Sue. But the Wand had a limited range of effect and if he used it, there was no guarantee that he'd be able to catch Mary-Ann. Meaning Adrian would still back fighting off Sephiroth.

Then an idea came to him and he smiled grimly. (I have to time this just right…) Pulling the wand out, he gripped it tightly and waited for his chance.

It came a moment, as Mary-Ann began to round a corner a little faster than she should have. Blake slammed on the brakes to his bike and activated the Wand.

Instantly, all motion around them stopped. Birds paused in mid-flight, people froze in their desperate leaps to get out of the way. A child waited to catch a ball that would never come. Water droplets hung suspended in the air.

And Mary-Ann's bike stopped instantly, all the momentum hurling the Sue over the handlebars with a surprised yell and across the street, straight into a dumpster.

Blake smiled to himself as he dismounted and walked over to the dumpster, deactivating the Rod as he did so. Pulling a Prohibitor out of his pocket, he slapped it onto the Sue's wrist as she crawled out of the dumpster, covered garbage. "You are under arrest for attempting to conquer this fandom for your own ends."

Mary-Ann muttered a string of curses under her breath. "You Elimination Society members… you think you've got it all…."

Whatever Blake was going to say in return was cut off as a loud yell filled the air.

"Librarian Secret Art: Boot to the Head!' SSSSCH-FWOMP!

Both of them turned to see Sephiroth crash-land in the street behind the, gouging out a crater as Adrian landed nearby. But the silver-haired swordsman pulled himself free of the debris and shook himself, apparently unharmed save for his hair being badly mussed up.

"What's going on!" Blake shouted at Adrian as Sephiroth launched himself at the white-haired teen, Adrian disappearing as the Masamune slashed through the space he had just been and shredded the concrete street as it did so. "Once a Prohibitor is on a Sue, it should have reverted the affected reality back to normal!"

"It did!" Adrian reappeared next to Blake, covered in sweat and blood, trenchcoat nothing so much more than tatters and a pair of sleeves. "And that's the problem! Sephiroth's a murderous psychopath again!"

"Oh, that's bad…"

"You think?!" Adrian unleashed a arc of lighting from his sword, but Sephiroth just smirked and twirled Masamune in front of him, dispersing the lighting with greatest ease.

Then the ex-general leapt towards them, but stopped and threw up Masamune in a block as Cloud came crashing down from above, the ground shaking as the two warriors collided.

Blake glanced around and swore. "She must have gotten away while we were talking."

Both of them were forced to duck a stray energy blast struck the building nearby, raining bits of debris and rubble on them, Adrian knocking a larger piece away with his sword. "She's still has the Prohibitor on her, though! And there's no way to remove it without the key! We can catch her later! Right now, we leave!" He through the pellet on the ground and white smoke swallowed the pair up. "Librarian Art 7: Mystery Vanish!"

The smoke cleared, revealing the space they had been in to be empty… but the wall was now sporting some new body art in the form of two teenagers embedded in the brick.

Adrian twitched a couple of times before pulling his head free. "I've got to work on that…"

Blake just collapsed into a twitching mass of bruises. "…ouch…"

TTTTTTTTT

Back at the Library Aracnium

"Thanks for your help, Blake." Adrian said after the pair had treated their wounds and cleaned themselves up. They were now sitting in one of the Library's numerous studies. "I really needed it."

"Hey, don't worry about it." Adrian slid a plate of cookies across the table after taking a couple for himself. "A Sue's powerless with a Prohibtor in place, so she's harmless for now. I just wish I could have been more helpful in finding out what Flare wants with you. But all my research has turned up nothing."

"Well, since none of us can go with you, I'd figure I do the next best thing." Adrian stood and walked over to a closet, pulling out a black trenchcoat. "Take this. It's a special material that I've managed to develop. It's as light as a feather, yet stronger than steel. It won't block bullets, but it's impossible to cut through and it'll protect you from most magic. And for just kicks, it's frictionless. But just remember that it's not perfect. Rely on it too much and it'll crumble apart."

"Thanks." Blake took the coat with an appreciative smile on his face. Then it turned to a questioning one. "If you can do that, why don't you wear one? Or give one to all the Society members?"

"Because making this stuff is incredibly expensive and I'm using up most my budget for the food bill and all the strangely necessary, but still useless paperwork that we all do in our off time." Adrian explained. "Also, it's dry clean only. And all of mine are out at the cleaners. As for the others, it's their choice. I figured you might need it, since you're going to Metal Gear Solid. And that's chock full of danger."

"It's not exactly my style, but I'll consider wearing it…" Blake glanced at Adrian. "But isn't kind of cheating? I mean, clothes that never rip and work as armor?"

"No." Adrian spread his hands. "Haven't you ever seen an anime? Most of the time, the character's clothes will never rip or tear or even burn, despite how heavily wounded the character might become. It's the same thing."

"Okay…" Blake sounded skeptical, but slung the coat over his shoulder. "By the way, Tash is looking for you."

Adrian paled until his face matched his hair. "Was she mad?"

"No. In fact, she sounded quite cheerful…" Blake told him. "So I'd better watch out if I were you."