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3 Months and 159 posts further

3 Months sober today. 🙂 I think I’ve done well. By now I’m experimenting a little with the level of self-care that I need. I was getting tired of always taking care and continuously thinking of NOT drinking – but I’m guessing that is a dangerous road that needs to be treaded carefully. Washing my face because I have been kissed on the cheek by somebody that oozed alcohol is still a good idea, taking 4 meals a day in order to prevent low blood sugar levels is not necessary anymore because I have stabilized a more.

I don’t worry anymore of going to places where there are people drinking, it has become like not smoking now; I don’t because it is awful. Having said that…. I do have tiny, tiny little thoughts on drinking or impulses so now and then. Specifically at changing scenes that surround leaving a place or event. Most likely this relates to my former drinking behaviour where I would drink 2-3 glasses around people, go home and ‘fill up’. Ieeehks. I am now paying extra attention to entrances and exits.

There is this HALT abbreviation and it says to prevent hunger, anger, loneliness and being tired. For me hunger (low blood sugar levels) and being tired are most dangerous. I don’t get angry easily and loneliness is something that might, I don’t know, have not paid a lot of attention to.

I’ve become more social lately with 2-3 social meetings in a week, sometimes 4. That is a little too much for me. I used to have a friend who had been addicted to soft- and harddrugs. We used to meet for diner in the city and after dinner she would go home immediately because she (said she) was tired. I never understood. Now I do. It takes a hell of a lot more energy to neatly present myself according to my new socially polite standards than it does to drink, let my aura hang loose and say and do whatever I thought was funny. Specifically staying centered, really listening and not pushing my story is something I consciously practice. And yes, that is still in practise phase. (Last night at singing lessons we ran late because I was last on stage 😀 )

Still not getting on with my life. That worries me. But with what I learn every day I guess, well, that is how it is for now. Small changes are happening, like cleaning the house more often because I see that it is dirty and do not shrink into myself anymore in order to avoid seeing it. There was denial in my housekeeping too. AND do not moan about it to myself anymore because I am (starting to) accept(ed) that I will do what I can do. Also, I am starting to like to sit still and just listen. My cat fell asleep on my lap last week, in all the 4 years that she has lived here she only started to sit on my lap since I quit.

Happy that I quit, a little tired of the work, but I guess I need to up the fun more with social activities and learning on a personal level like singing or theatre and… work (?).

Being sober so far is about The Decision and maintaining it constantly. It is about listening to myself, taking care of EVERY tiny issue before it becomes a big one. It is about shaping the circumstances in which that is doable like eating healthy, getting the right nutrients in, sleeping enough, being with the right people.

And sobriety to me is very much about knowledge too: reading the books and blogs of those who went before us on the sober path and learning from that.

And it is about self-exploration, about being honest to myself in real life; The Middle. The Middle is not very clear yet but it is coming. This is where it was/is difficult to deal because it is about really being and not about the made-up, glorified self I liked to be. Or, on the other extreme; the made-up stupid self I hated to be – or possibly liked because it also prevented me from dealing with what really IS.

Of course being sober is about blogging too :-). The blogging forces me to think about what I am doing and feeling. Now I’ve come to 3 months it is starting to be like a little history too which is somehow cool. It is also about getting to know you, reading about your struggles and triumphs and normal days, knowing that you are out there and that I am not the only one walking this road. That is good. And… of course I am very happy with you reading my blogs, liking posts (yes I like that 🙂 ), commenting, adding, informing me.

Last but not least: sobriety is about becoming my true self while throwing away the rubbish and dealing with the issues that are keeping me away from being aligned with my spirit.

I think this is pretty much the most encouraging post I’ve ever read from you. And certainly the most encouraging. Probably the fact that you’re 90 days into your sobriety has something to do with it, as well. 🙂

Anyway, do keep experimenting. I’ve learned to refer to that as ‘growth’ in my journey — others refer to it as common sense — and I still do it nearly five years later. That’s one of the healthiest things I found that I could do because doing so simply showed me what worked (and certainly what didn’t) for where I was at that point in my healing journey.

Thanks for the very optimistic post. What a great way to begin the day!

Thanks for reply! Happy to have written a good start to a day. 🙂 And… I did not know my other posts depressed you ;-). There is a thing to my posts: I do not tart them up to make them look better or worse than I feel. Nor do I think (anymore ;-)) I should be trying to inspire people with my blog. I just write down what went on and what works and what doesn’t. Both the inspiring and editing seem traps to me now because both are not real. That’s why I write from ‘I’ and not ‘we’ and that’s why I don’t edit.

(I still do like to interfere with other people, yes, yes… :-/)

I hope my experimenting will some day turn into common sense indeed. But for now its just a shitload of learning, learning. 🙂 But that’s ok. It beats drinking.

Quite the opposite, Feeling. I have always found your posts to be deep and very well thought out, and always succinctly expressive of your honest feelings and thoughts. This post is simply the first one I recall reading that seems to be so much more intentional as a significant step forward in your healing, and for that I’m both excited and grateful.

Thank you LosingandHealing :-). I should have made a party for me. All I did was read, look up info and write the blog. But going to see friends tonight. Play board games, might almost be 45 but I still love that. 🙂

A good bit of wisdom I got early on was not to make any major decisions in the first year of sobriety. The logic I find in part is to just focus on the day-to-day minutia of life and not the grandiose plans for the future. I found this helpful in just being observant, as you say, of all the small things, and finding some time to find out about true self – who am I, really? I have found this to be an exciting process worthy of considerable attention.

I will note that after one year, I decided to make the big decision to go back to school and try and resurrect my 0.7 GPA from my first attempt at college. I decided I was going to take a course in psychology because of my new found passion for addiction studies. All of those courses were closed out because I waited too late to register. Instead, I registered for a course in physical anthropology because I was committed to taking something and it was the only course still open that looked interesting – and I ended up with a PhD in anthropology. Never saw that one coming but it has been a blast.

Thank you Robert. Yes, small steps work, a lot of learning and caring is in the details. I do have to get a job otherwise I run out of money though. That is big for me.

Antropology. Wow! And, to me that is a study that is very much addiction related because I have always thought that there are societies that have a lot / make a lot of people addicts and there are those that do not do that. I would love to know the difference. 🙂

Congrats!!! 3 months is a big deal! Like you blogging has become healing in some many ways and hold me accountable. I also get so much support and strength from your blog and others in recovery. Thanks and keep it up
Hugs!

three months. that’s brilliant, well done! I remember what a big deal I knew it was when I got to three months. how I felt proud of myself for the first time in what felt like so long. I hope you are feeling that pride and strength in what you have done. keep at it! Prim xx

Hi Ron, question: why do you say it is best not undertaken alone? Is that a general thing or in reply to my blog or? I am guessing by now that I have a tendency to want to be alone. Not sure if it is an isolation thing. I find people overwhelming (projecting, projecting… 😀 )

I had two major relapses, both of which landed me in the hospital, the last of which nearly killed me. Life is an experience to be lived, even through our mistakes. I’ve survived by never looking back – or trying my best not to. Write me any time.

Hi Ron, ooh, I still don’t understand how relapses can be so overwhelming. Is it because ‘we’ (sorry but I actually hope it is not going to be me…) fall back and drink like ‘old times’ while our body is not able to deal with that anymore? Or? I myself am getting to the point where I need to learn to process things, up to now I have not looked at the damage I left behind. Not sure what is wisdom. Thank you for your invite. 🙂