It was 10 minutes til the end of the shift on my Friday. I took a call from a lady that was "scared for her life". She requested police and ambulance, and I sent two officers for a well being check. The whole shift (4 officers) responded, thankfully. They showed up, she said she couldn't answer and they'd have to kick the door in. They did, she had a gun, the rest is history.

I did replay the call in my head, 100 times, and figured that 100 times out of 100, no matter how I handled it, that is exactly how that call was going to end. She did not shoot at my officers, but her plan was suicide by cop.

Moral of the story for me was that if you know how to do the job, and do it properly and consistently, there's nothing to be ashamed of or worried about. I guess if one of my officers was hurt, that might be different. I might have changed in some way. But I trust my guys and they trust me.

About 2 weeks off training, I was on the radio when an officer was shot and killed in the line of duty. It definitely affected me. In addition to the obvious sadness because he was a friend, it was a huge wake-up call to me how important it is to focus on officer safety. In this case, nothing I could have done would have kept him from being shot, but it still drove the point home to me, a new dispatcher (at the time), that the stuff we're dealing with is real, and that my actions (or inaction) could conceivably get someone killed.

I have handled several in the course of 12 years. First was an officer shot by a man with an SKS at a domestic. He survived. Second was an officer accidently shot in the foot by another officer. He also is fine. Worst was a deputy murdered in the line of duty and five years later, an on duty officer committed suicide.
Each incident, we did everything we could have done and handled the calls and dispatch properly. However, there is nothing like continuing to work as someone you work with, are friends with, maybe you know their family is dying. I woke up a priest at 3am to ask him to go to the hospital to give last rites on that deputy, my friend.
It changed me. I refuse to let it keep me from serving the public and my officers and firemen and deputies.

Wow sorry to hear you've been through so many. I couldn't imagine... I actually know a officer that was accidentally shot in the foot by another officer, that didn't happen in southern California by chance did it? Keep up the great work you are an amazing person for staying with the job after all that.