Heartache

The more we give from our heart, the bigger it becomes.

Much of our heartache in life comes not from other people but from our expectations of other people and what we feel they should bring into our lives. If our heartaches were truly caused by other people, we would have little power to heal our hurt. Healing would primarily be left to the passage of time and, even then, the big heartaches could easily be reignited. The often unrecognised factors which have brought about our heartache will be based on a myriad of beliefs ranging from reasonable to downright ridiculous. However, this makes no difference at all to the pain we feel because our pain is not coming from our mind but from our heart. It’s no point arguing with the heart. It doesn’t help to talk reason. The heart doesn’t even hear. It doesn’t know that language. It is instinctive – for good and bad. Whereas the mind will try and patiently think through the reasonableness of any situation, the heart is powerless to do so. The heart is all feeling and it flows from a great line of experiences and expectations both remembered and forgotten.

The most pressing thing that we generally want from other people is a sense of love and security. It is a wonderful feeling to bask in the warmth of another’s affection, attention, and protectiveness. It is equally as unwonderful to feel that the source of that love has, in some manner, betrayed us. Once hurt, we can go through life shutting people out or, alternatively, keeping people around but blaming them. We can close the door of our heart. However, without our heart, we become an empty shell. Perhaps, an intelligent empty shell, but empty nevertheless. The heart carries the beat of life. It makes existence meaningful and beautiful. The heart bypasses language and so it doesn’t lie. Everything moving and powerful has heart.

Blame and Love

The first step in healing is to take responsibility. It is to stop blaming. It is to accept that we are not a powerless victim that other people have decided to hurt for no logical reason. It is to honour that life is complex and other people may see things differently or have their own agenda. Most humans are, after all, self-centred. We can hardly blame them for that – it is the instinctive programming of the ego. Knowing all this makes us wiser, safer, more patient and tolerant. We develop the capacity to heal situations which could otherwise become totally fragmented.

The second step in healing is to realise that there are other ways of getting what we want. Mostly, we want love. When the source of love seems to have disintegrated, instead of feeling bereft and loveless, we can choose to look for it in a different place. Most people look for it in another person – with varying success. There is another place we can go. One could say that it is in oneself but perhaps it is more correct to say that it is in life, itself. We can work with the idea that we already are that very love we seek. We can stop peering at the outside love we are trying to seduce, cajole, intimidate or win and focus elsewhere. What love can I find within? What love can I give? The heart-hole will heal when we stop looking at it.

Opening one’s heart to love and healing always carries risk. One can be sure of sorrow but one can also be sure of happiness and peace. The more we give from our heart, the bigger it becomes. It is able to carry more love even if that also means carrying some pain. We gain courage to endure sorrow, knowing that it will pass. We also gain perspective, knowing that human joy must be gratefully taken when it is offered. In the end, love is all that matters. It has the power to heal and the power to transform. It gives us a surprising strength and adds a beauty to life that is more touching and more pure than any other thing that life could possibly offer.

2 Replies to “Heartache”

Relationships don’t always work. Sometimes, a breakup is more or less amicable but most often than not, it hurts so much that you feel your heart will burst.

I read this very helpful article where Dr. Sanjeev Trivedi talks about the ways to deal with heartbreak. This is an extract from the article:

You are not the first person in the world to experience heartache. Millions have suffered and have come out of it. Pain is something that adds to your understanding, knowledge of people and your own maturity. Though it is not a pleasant feeling, it is quite normal.
Do things that help prevent memories of time spent together. Delete chats, emails, and photographs from handset, laptop and computer. If you cannot gather courage to do this, as least move them to a folder marked ‘hidden’ and saved in a remote corner not easily accessible. Do away with gifts and mementos so that you are not reminded of the person.
Stop all communication with the person and also those who may want to inquire or talk about her or him. People can suspend all communication when they want to, but in vulnerable moments there is a sudden urge to reconnect and therefore blocking communication channels helps.
Once you are in better control of yourself pat yourself on your back. But there will be times when you may need help. The urge, the confusion and the hope may make you take a wrong step and therefore in order to block this possibility, you can talk to a friend or a counselor about your feelings.`
When you cannot help remaining sane and normal there is no harm in becoming sad. You may cry loudly if you feel like. Crying makes one feel better, because with stress and anger getting washed out you are also relieved of the toxins. You feel light, relaxed and refreshed.
Please understand that the ability to guide, manage and control someone else does not lie in your hands. Put yourself in his or her place and imagine if you would like to be doing things that others want from you or you would like to be a person with free will and independence. Why should he or she behave the way you want? If you once loved someone, respect her or his decision.
Move away from ‘blame game’. Do not find faults with the individual, other people or circumstances. Instead, start accepting the current situation. Once you are closer to reality it would be easier for you to distance yourself from the pain.
Try to make new friends. Invest time in people who make you happier. The social support system in a collective society like ours is always readily available.
Plan a trip or a vacation with family or friends. Create new and happy memories which will be your new treasure to fall back upon, when you feel lonely and sad. Click new pictures. Get a pet if you feel it might help.
Try to help a person who is undergoing similar trauma. Be a guide or a counselor to him or her. With what you have learnt in life, you can surely share some valuable tips with the person who is suffering. Realize the change in you. See what is good in you and around you.