Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream

She was Hispanic, cute, smart, goofy, and dimples appeared on her cheeks when she smiled. She wasn’t the prettiest girl at my school, but I was glad that she wasn’t, because the popular pretty girls were total whores, not only because they had hickies on their necks most of the time by guys who were in high school, but because the only time they would talk to me was when they needed to see my homework to copy it.

I think it was Claudia’s dimples that attracted me. She always seemed to have a smile on her face and because of that her dimples would always show. Her dad was a chef or something and perhaps because of that she kicked ass in our home economics class.

I remember her wearing a black and white checkerboard skirt every so often. I don’t know why I liked looking at it, but it seemed something cool that no one else wore. On the other hand, the whores at my school wore tight shirts, sweaters, and Bongo Jeans that showed off their developing bodies, which they flaunted in front of me as they called me names like weirdo, dork, nerd, four-eyes, and dweeb, but yet I still let them copy my homework.

I like to think that perhaps Claudia liked me too, until she started hanging out with Russell, that shaggy-haired bastard. For the first time in my life I felt jealousy. I considered Russell a friend, but after I saw him holding Claudia’s hand around school, my friendship with him ceased to exist. No longer would I talk to him about episodes of the anime Star Blazers or play soccer on the same field as him.

The word “caramel” in the new Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream reminds me of Claudia because caramel reminds me of her beautiful brown skin. But then again, a lot of things remind me of Claudia, like when I look up at a full moon and see its craters, they remind me of her dimples. When I open an oven, I think of her home economic skills. Every time I see a tile floor with an alternating pattern, I think of her checkerboard skirt.

Tasting the Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream is much like my relationship with Claudia before Russell and after Russell. The first sip I took from it had a delightful caramel flavor with a hint of artificial sweeteners, which was as delightful as my time spent with Claudia prior to Russell. The sip that quickly followed the first had the delightful caramel flavor sucked right out of it, much like how the life was sucked out of me when I saw Claudia in her checkerboard skirt holding hands with that shaggy bastard Russell.

This sudden lack of caramel flavor in the following sip puzzled me, much like how Claudia would find Russell attractive puzzled me. If Doogal existed back in the late 1980s, that’s what Russell would’ve looked like. Sure Russell was a nice guy and WAS my friend, but he was shorter than Claudia and kind of clumsy.

Anyway, after more taste testing, I found out that if I take roughly three or four minute breaks between sips instead of taking a sip and quickly following that with another sip, the caramel flavor doesn’t go away. However, taking three or four minutes in between sips caused me to nurse the bottle of soda for a while, and when the soda got warm it just didn’t taste the same.

I don’t know how long or how many sips it takes to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda, but I went to find out.

Marvo: Mr. Turtle, how many sips does it take to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda?

Mr. Turtle: I never made it without biting. Ask Mr. Owl.

Marvo: Mr. Owl, how many sips does it take to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda?

Mr. Owl: Let’s find out. One… two-HOO… three..

Mr. Owl: Crunch!

Mr. Owl: Three!

Marvo: Three? What are you? A frickin’ goat? What kind of animal bites into a plastic bottle? With the bottle in that condition, I don’t even think I can get my five cents back when I recycle it. Thanks, Mr. Fuckin’ Owl! I hope the next mouse you eat has rabies.

Much like the rest of the Diet Pepsi Jazz flavors, the caramel cream version is good, as long as you take decent breaks in between sips. I don’t know why it loses its flavor like it does when taking a second sip quickly after the first, but if you want to overcome the problem, I suggest drinking it via beer bong or shotgun style. That way it’s just one gigantic sip.

Item: Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel CreamPrice: $1.09 (20-ounces)Purchased at: 7-ElevenRating: 3 out of 5Pros: Good for a diet soda. Caramel-ly. First sip is good and sips after long breaks are good. Zero calories, fat, carbs, and sugar. Low sodium. Star Blazers. Claudia’s dimples. Claudia’s checkerboard skirt. Claudia’s home economics skillz.Cons: The sip that quickly follows the initial sip won’t taste as good as the first. Slight artificial sweetener taste. Get shitty as it gets warm. Those whores at my school. That shaggy-haired bastard Russell. Mr. Owl.

Chuck – When I was looking it up on Wikipedia, I found out there’s a computer animated version of the Tootsie Pop commercial. Also, I don’t hate everything, but I do give 3 out of 5’s to most products.

This cracked me up. I love the Mr. Owl part. Maybe someday you will meet beautiful Claudia again and find out she dated Russell only because she was afraid you didn’t love her back. Then there will be hot monkey-sex.

This reminds me of the story Daisy Miller where the guy misinterprets her relationship with a questionable man and misses his opportunity to court her. Of course, she dies at the end. As should any girl who rejects the sweaty palms of the great Marvo!

You obviously only have one option, hunt down Russell now and beat him up, dress in that skirt and set him loose on the beach……. with bows in his shaggy (probably balding by now) hair. Vengeance!!!!!

You know, those 20oz are supposed to be 2.5 servings, so if you actually only drank one serving, you could probably slow sip it and would still be cold when you finish it (but who the hell does something bizarre like that.)

melis – I don’t know if Claudia is a fool, because back then I had the poser skater look going and braces…oh and the realization that I needed to start using deodorant.

Brenda – Hi, Brenda! How about we both bring sodas? Because I might bring something that you totally hate, like flat Diet 7Up. Also, the only Claudia you ever knew may have been a total puta, but in my single state, I can’t be picky.

Barb – I don’t want to hunt Russell down because that would take too much time. But I might be willing to pay someone to do it for me.

Sorry about the lack of distinction. The soda, absolutely. The story of you and Claudia, and your journey together, was sweet. The type of sweet I enjoy, unlike that of drinking carbonated caramel. That’s just sick.

Yes, RC Cola still exists but RC DRAFT does not. It was hands down the best cola ever. Before they stopped selling it they sold them at Target for $.10 a bottle. My room mates and I cleared them all out.