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I need some help. I read lots of blogs in which wives complain about husbands who take them for granted (stay with me here). Stay at home moms, moms who work outside the home, it seems that no matter what, the mom is the one who cleans the house, looks after the kids, takes care of the husband, etc., etc. Well...not in my house. My husband is the stay at home parent. I work outside the house. And too easily, I fall into the role of the "clueless" outside parent. I come in from work and I want to relax. My husband takes care of the laundry, the cleaning, the kids. And my husband says I take him for granted. I know that in a lot of ways I do. So I need advice. Aside from the obvious, (helping around the house), how can I show how much I do appreciate what he does? Because I do. He is the core of my life and I would be lost without him. He keeps me going - in all ways. And I hate the thought that I don't act like he is essential to me.________

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I will answer with a story. A professor, in a pre-law class, posed a hypothetical problem: "My wife thinks I do not love her; how can I prove that I love my wife?" And we, being lawyer larvae, said, "Give her evidence that you love her!" "Find an expert witness!" And he said, "I give my wife roses, and she says I do not love her. I am evaluated by a psychiatrist, and he tells my wife that I love her, but she does not believe that I love her." And this goes on and on ... literally for a whole class period -- anything we think of that he can use to prove that he loves his wife is never enough. And then the next day, someone in class comes up with the answer: "Love your wife."

I have to agree with R, when my husband asks me and then does it, it's so much better than me having to ask him to do it. I also think it would be nice to send him off somewhere when you get home, or to pick up dinner on the way home. I love to cook but I'll admit sometimes dinner is a huge pain!

As my wife has told me several times, sometimes she needs to just have me listen and not try and fix things.

It's often the case the spouses feel the other spouses don't appreciate them. Some of it can be a genuine lack of knowledge, some of it can be lack of communication. And it works both ways. Stay-at-home spouses feel under appreciated (and we can roll out the various "what would a salary be like if they did this for money" surveys if you like) and spouses who bring home the majority of the money for the house can also feel under appreciated.

The cure is increased communication. Talk about the good stuff, talk about the bad stuff, and listen to each other. Also, make sure it's not only the bad things, and don't try and "fix the problem" unless the other spouses asks for it.

I also agree with both of -R-'s suggestions. I love when my honey sends me a card in the mail... even though we live together. But more importantly, I love when he asks me what I need from him, and then just takes care of it. That makes me happier than anything in the world.

I have a similar problem--except mine is worse: B brings in nearly all of the money for our household; he does not work long hours and therefore takes care of most chores around the house; he works from home half the week and therefore runs nearly all of the errands. I work long hours for scant money at a job I despise which requires a round-trip commute of an hour six days a week. I try to tell him how much I appreciate everything he does; I try to remember to leave him a sweet (or dirty) note around the house; I try to force myself to have the energy to do something he usually takes care of (i.e. dishes) as a surprise...but I feel like I do none of these things often enough, nor is he aware how wonderful I consider him....if you learn how, please let me know. -K

"You changed the sheets today. Thank you." Washed the dishesPaid the billsVacuumedCooked Dinner(s)Made me lunchTook the kids to the doctor

Basically, chores are called chores for a reason. No one likes to do them. But having someone recognize and thank you for your efforts makes a hell of a difference.

Research shows that to maintain a happy relationship one needs to keep the ratio of positive and negative messages at about 5:1. So adding a Thank You or two to daily communication can only help.

Imagine if when you rolled out of bed, and trudged off to work, and dealt with backstabbing co-workers and uncaring bosses ... imagine if when you came home, your spouse recognized that effort, and thanked you for it.

Mind you I'm not particularly a fan of the author but there's a book called the Five Love Languages that I think really has some merit conceptually. It talks about how different people find different expressions of love more meaningful, the 5 being: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. For example, gifts generally really do nothing for me but someone taking the time to do me an un-asked-for favor means A LOT, whereas a carefully chosen surprise gift is very significant to my sister. Neither is right or wrong. And obviously no one is only appreciative of just one expression, but often there are preferences. For me it helps to try to think about what is the most meaningful expression, most easily seen and received expression, of love to an individual I care about -- and I think it is good to know what you are most inclined to give, to see, so communication can be the most clear. Fwiw.

About Me

I am a Hot Chick living in Castle Rock, CO with my fabulous family. We have a rescue dog named "Jackson," and she's a Basenji/Shepherd mix. She's something of a head case, but we love her. I'm a U.S. Navy vet, and I currently work as an Enterprise Solutions Architect, specializing in VoIP and multimedia contact center design. I'm a Trustee for my local library, because LIBRARIES. I care about science, the U.S. Constitution and the military. I'm a tax and spend liberal in a largely red county, but I try not to be stabby about it. I like to color, I aspire to run faster than I do, and I donate knitted cold weather gear to various charities. Stupidity, cupidity and wanton assholery piss me off, and I'm more than a little soft when it comes to dogs and those who serve others. I blog about whatever I feel like. I use foul language, so if that sort of thing offends you, feel free to fuck off now - if I'm unwilling to clean up my language for my fabulous Great Auntie Margie, I'm unlikely to do so for you. Newcomers are welcome here, especially those who disagree with me, but trolling and spamming will be met with the Shovel of Doom™.