Season 5

Yes, Then Zero

Louis: How does it feel to be home?Blair: Oh, it’s going to be tough reacclimating after living in a palace. How will the penthouse do? But maybe we should skip the wedding planning and pull the blinds and just spend the day in bed.Louis: We did that all summer. But we can’t put off our parents any longer. Would a present help motivate you downstairs?Blair: How did you know just what I was missing. Shall I wear it to your uncle’s speech at the General Assembly tomorrow?Louis: Unfortunately you will not be allowed inside until you are an official member of the royal family. Consider yourself lucky. [?] speeches are stronger than Ambien.

Princess Sophie (Joanne Whalley): I see from your list of demands, Blair—Eleanor: Demands?Princess Sophie: —that you would like to have peonies in your bridal bouquet.Blair: They’re my favorite flower.Princess Sophie: And they are very beautiful, but in our country a bride always walks with carnations.Blair: To the nearest florist and demands a refund. I’ll be holding peonies.

Princess Sophie: I know this is very short notice, but not to worry. My dress is on the way.Blair: Your dress?Princess Sophie: Everybody else has been married in this dress, from my great grandmother on.Blair: Louis, I already lost on the food and the flowers and the font. You know how important choosing my dress is for me.

Blair: What’s wrong, Dorota?Dorota: Nothing. Prosecco?Blair: No thank you. I think I need all my wits for the next round.

Blair: The first meeting was a disaster, S! He conceded to Sophie on everything. It was so out of control you would have thought he was Italian.Serena: Well finding a balance between your mother and your fiance has got to be tough. I’m sure he’s just trying to keep the peace the best he can.Blair: Stop being so rational and trying to see both sides. I haven’t even told you the worst part yet. They want me to wear Sophie’s dress. Not just on the day, but in Vogue Paris too. Hand-me-downs are for charity and second children.

Blair: Aren’t you done out there? Los Angeles is a plastic surgery layover, not somewhere you live.

Blair: We’re going to be married in three months. I need to know that we’re in this together and I’m not just standing here alone.Louis: You’re not. I’m right here.Blair: Those are just words. I need proof.Louis: You’re right. The dress discussion can wait until tomorrow. But tonight, I show my mother that you come first.

Blair: Louis told me he would stand up to his mother tonight. So if he does, everything can continue the way it’s meant to. And if he doesn’t, he and his mother will have a lovely wedding in November without a bride. Or she can just take my place, which seems to be what she wants. Wish me luck.Eleanor: Darling, is the stress of the wedding getting to you? Testing a good man who loves you never ends well.

Blair: I can’t even believe I’m answering this call.Louis: I’m so sorry, Blair. Something’s come up that’s taking me longer than anticipated. It looks like I won’t make it to the [?].Blair: You’re going vague on this one? Something’s come up? Why don’t you admit that you’re already at the UN with your mother instead of lying.Louis: I’m not. I wish I could tell you where I am, but I made a promise.Blair: And we know how you honor the promises you make. As long as they’re not to me. Tell your mother congratulations. She won.Louis: What are you talking about?

Dan: Blair. What are you doing here? Did Louis—Blair: I didn’t know where else to go. I wasn’t going to come here. I haven’t talked to you all summer and you’re the only person I know in New York right now. And I really need a friend. If you’re still…
Of course I am. What’s going on?

Blair: I am about to call off my engagement. I can’t marry someone who doesn’t stand up for me. Not even to his own mother. And when I tell him it’s over, I’ll need to get away. To clear my head. You were in the Hamptons?Dan: Ah, Amagansett. Cece’s house.Blair: Is it empty? Take me there.Dan: Okay.

Blair: I don’t understand, are you following me now?Louis: No Blair.Blair: Actually, it’s fine if you are. Because I can do this in person then.Dan: Louis is not here for you.Blair: He’s not? What the hell’s going on?Dan: Louis didn’t meet you tonight because he was helping me.

Blair: What? Oh. No. Is it my hair?Eleanor: I didn’t want to say anything in front of Louis but I found something hidden in the pantry. Is this why you have been acting so strange about Louis? Is there something you need to tell me?

Seamstress: Do they know?Blair: Know what?Seamstress: How far along you are? I’d say six weeks. He sent me your measurements.

Beauty and the Feast

Gossip Girl: Rise and shine, Upper East Siders. It’s time for your annual checkup. Lucky for you, doctors take their confidentiality seriously around here.

Blair: Are you sure this doctor is reputable? Your prenatal care is imperative.Dorota: You never care about my womb before.

Blair: I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s come over me.Dorota: Yes you do. You are pregnant too! We are like sisters now. Cousins. Distant cousins. Miss Blair, why you not say you are—Blair: Do not utter the word. No one must know. At least until I have some time to figure things out.

Dan: I was wondering if you could share some of your bank-breaking secrets with me.Serena: Well I thought you did all of your scheming with Blair.Dan: No, she’s not speaking to me.

Blair: I don’t understand. How am I to become an icon of style and taste if I can only where a burkha?Princess Beatrice: I’m sorry, the dress code is mandated.Blair: So you get to be Balmain and I get to be Barbara Bush?

Blair: Your people were bred to work through these conditions and give birth in a field.Dorota: No fields in Krakow. And I have birthing suite at Lennox Hill.

Blairto the Virgin Mary: Thank you. I will never question the paternity of your child again.

Dan: Blair, hey. Listen, I know you don’t want to see me now, probably not ever. But I’m not here to cause problems. I can’t say the same about Chuck. Have you seen him?Blair: Walk with me.

Dan: What’s going on? Blair, I thought you were mad at me.Blair: And you have my forgiveness if you shut up and guard the door.Dan: It’s not like you to forgive me, or run away from a feast. Might this have something to do with you sleeping with Chuck?Blair: How in the world did you know that? Forget it, I don’t even have time to care. What don’t you understand about “guard the door”?Dan: I can’t believe that I thought you changed last year. And since you didn’t, Chuck is now going off the deep end trying to get your attention. Again.Blair: No. Now that’s where you’re wrong. Whatever he’s doing isn’t about me. He was the who told me to marry Louis. And he meant it.

Blair: Now you’re going to be sorry you didn’t guard.Dan: Woah. You’re gonna go? With me in here? I’m not sure our friendship can handle that.Blair: Friendship is a tenuous term. Now be a gentleman and run the water.

Dan: Blair, this isn’t a joke. We are not leaving this room until you agree to get help.Blair: I don’t need help. I’m not bulimic. I’m pregnant.

Blair: Beatrice. You have to understand, it’s still so early. I didn’t want to get Louis’ hopes up if things weren’t okay. I was going to tell him.Louiswalking up: What were you going to tell me?
About her wonderful idea, Louis.Blair: I have so many.Dan: Mm.

Dan: If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’re starting to like Brooklyn.Blair: It isn’t Brooklyn I’m here for. You’re the only person I can have a furtive, emotionally-loaded conversation with right now. How’s Chuck?Dan: Ah… he’s okay. Sort of. A long, Freudian story. How are you?Blair: Pregnant. That makes it sound more real. I had hoped denial would last longer as a coping mechanism, but breast tenderness and morning sickness made that impossible.Dan: You know, you do have options.Blair: And I’ve considered them all. But no matter what, this baby was conceived out of love and… I’m gonna keep it.

Blair: I am about to marry a fabulous man. Who happens to be a prince. I can’t be this close to having all my dreams come true only to have them yanked away by one transgression at a stranger’s Bar Mitzvah.Dan: I know it’s scary, but I think you should know who the father is. If not for yourself then for the baby.Blair: And what if I loss everything?Dan: You’ll still have me.

The Jewel of Denial

Blair: You’re back! I thought I’d lost you to the land of pole-dancing classes and gluten-free foods.

Blair: The results of this test could alter the course of my life. You want me to face that in front of pigeons and street vendors?

Blair: I can’t face the press if I’ve just heard unsettling news. I need to look like Grace Kelly, not Grace Cottington.Dan: I have to manage some business of my own, but go do your interview. I’ll meet you back at your apartment.Blair: That is much more civilized. Unlike your hair, Humphrey. You look like a muppet.

Blair: Mention that name and you’ll be exiled and forced to work in someplace terrible. Like the Upper West Side! And you know what happens to housekeepers there.Dorota: Zabar Zombies.

Blair: Excuse me. I’m Blair Waldorf. Where should I report for hair and makeup?Joanna: Oh. I was told you wouldn’t be participating.Blair: And now you’re being told differently. Keep up.

Charlie: I feel a little like Alice in Wonderland.Blair: Manhattan will do that to a girl. You’ll be happy to know, it never wears off.

Blair: Forget what your mother wants, Charlie. It’s your life. What do you want?

Dan: Blair, we need to talk. Mind if I take over from here?Simon Doonan: Not at all.Blair: Well I mind. Humphreys are not escort material.

Dan: Blair, I’m sorry. I was totally out of line. The truth is I think I’ve been using you to avoid facing some problems of my own. I promised to hold your hand but maybe I’ve been forcing it.Blair: No. I turned to you, Dan. Because I knew you were the only one who would protect me from my own worst instincts.Dan: For what it’s worth, when Georgina showed up on my doorstep and told me she was pregnant, I mean the last thing I wanted to be was a father. But then Milo was born and I fell in love with him. Chuck or Louis. It’ll be the same for either of them.Blair: And if I open that envelope, will you be able to hide from your problems then?Dan: I think if you have the courage to face your future then I should have the courage to face mine. {He hands her the envelope and gives her some privacy.}

Blair: I need to talk to you.Chuck: I thought we said everything we needed to say last time we saw each other.Blair: Chuck…Chuck: If this is another misguided attempt by Dan to make me feel something…Blair: I’m pregnant. It’s Louis’s. I didn’t want you to find out from someone else and wonder if the baby was yours.Chuck: That’s very considerate.Blair: Yes. Well. If I know anything about Chuck Bass, it’s that fatherhood isn’t part of the lifestyle.

Chuck: You must have very been relieved when you realized you weren’t carrying my offspring. It certainly would have derailed your fairytale.Blair: This fairytale is complicated. {the dog wanders in}. Chuck: Blair. Meet my dog, Monkey.

Memoirs of an Invisible Dan

Blair: I now understand why women used to go into confinement. It wasn’t because of modesty, but vanity. My boobs. Oh, I’m huge!Louis: Sorry, darling. I was just reading about how some pregnant women have mood swings. Apparently they didn’t know you before pregnancy.

Louis: You look gorgeous. I can’t wait to tell the whole world the good news.Blair: Me too.

Blair: You don’t think your family’s going to be upset, do you? I don’t want them to think of me as the star of some trashy MTV show like, “Unmarried and Pregnant Princesses” or, I don’t know, “Royally Screwed.”Louis: My mother will be over-the-moon. The job of any princess is to provide an heir to the kingdom. And that is exactly what you are doing.Blair: An heir to a kingdom lives within me. How very Shakespeare.Louis: Comedy not a tragedy, I hope.

Diana: If only we had Blair Waldorf’s phone.Nate: I told you, she’s my friend and my friends are off-limits.Diana: Morals. How quaint.

Blair: Do you know what this summoning is about?Chuck: I do, but I can’t say. I’m sworn to secrecy.Blair: Since when do you bite your tongue?Chuck: I’m learning.Blair: Well isn’t Humphrey becoming quite the drama queen.Chuck: Isn’t that usually your role?Blair: I prefer drama princess now.Chuck: How are you, by the way?Blair: I’m okay. Thanks for asking.

Nate: What are you guys doing here?Blair: We must have all gotten the same text from Dan.Rufus: The last time he was this secretive he showed up with a baby.Chuck: Don’t worry, you’re not about to become a grandfather. Though Dan is about to give birth in another way.Serenawalking in: Okay, I’m pretty sure this is how every murder mystery begins.

Dan: Hey, everyone. Thank you so much for coming.Serena: I only have five minutes.Blair: This better be really important.Nate: What is this all about?Lily: Is everything all right?Charlie: This isn’t about me, right?Rufus: Yeah. What’s going on, Dan?Chuck: This is going to be fun.

Dan: I’m sorry to call everyone here on such short notice, but… Alright, you know how there’s been all this speculation about the book that’s being published by an anonymous author.Nate: Yeah. Gossip Girl said it was about us.Blair: Yeah, it was probably written by some loser who doesn’t even know us.Dan: Well not exactly. I am that loser. I wrote it. And it is based on you. All of you. Sort of.

Blair: So. now that this unnecessary meeting about America’s future doorstop is adjourned, do you want to go grab a cup of decaf?Serena: I would love to, B, but I’m already late for work. I’ve gotta get back.Blair: Well maybe after work then.Serena: If this is about the book, don’t worry. Everyone loves a villain.Dan: I wouldn’t say there’s a villain, per se.Blair: Well I can tell you who isn’t.Serena: Come on, every girl needs to be knocked off her pedestal a little. Can’t handle that kind of pressure. I’ll see you later.

Dan: Um, you know that story I wrote that Louis killed.Blair: It’s in the book. Yeah, I figured. But if it’s all the same to you, I think I’d like to stay in the dark about just how nastily you’ve portrayed me.Dan: Yeah, that’s a good idea. You know, we’re just recently friends again. Why ruin a good thing.Blair: Yep. And, ah, I’m sorry in advance, but I have a better offer than your party tonight. Louis and I are telling our families the news.Dan: Good luck.Blair: You too. Your novel seems to be very well-punctuated and I… like the font.

Louis: But the way you said he made you in that story. If there’s an entire book it could be terrible.Blair: Look,
I would expect nothing less. I was mean to him on the steps of the Met. I bad-mouthed him repeatedly to his dream girl. I tried to undermine him at W. I’m sure he’s brutal. He may be calling this a novel, but I know just how little imagination he really has. It’s a memoir masquerading as fiction. A reverse James Frey.Louis: So you’re going to read it?Blair: No no. And you shouldn’t either. Look, that book has nothing to do with us and the family we’re building. Whatever is in there, even if it is the truth, it’s in the past.

Blair: Louis just lied to me about his family.Dorota: How you know?Blair: My outfit for tonight’s announcement included a pair of crocodile Alaias. You can’t wear such a beautiful shoe if there’s even a hint of a sprinkle outside. So of course I checked the weather. Clear from Monaco to Manhattan.Dorota: Maybe have something to do with Lonely Boy book. Louis was reading while you sleep. He did not look happy.Blair: I told him not to read it. It’s not like there’s anything in it that he doesn’t know about me. {she starts reading}. Oh my god. I’m going to kill Dan Humphrey.

Serena: Hey, do you know where Dan is? Can you believe what he wrote about me?Chuck: Which part? Sabrina is glamorous, sexy, beautiful.Serena: Selfish, insensitive, shallow.Chuck: I can tell you from experience, everyone loves a villain.Serena: Yeah, I told Blair the same thing. But then I realized if that’s true, why are you always alone?Blair: Not one word! Have you seen Dan?Serena: No, have you?Both: Did you see what he wrote me?!Serena: No, I didn’t have time to read all of it. Just the parts about me.Blair: Me too.Chuck: Check the study.

Serena: Is this what you’ve been trying to tell me all day?Blair: No, because it never happened. {to Louis} It never happened!Louis: I don’t believe a word you say! You said yourself that Dan has no imagination.Dan: Okay, thanks. But Louis, it didn’t happen.

Blair: You’d better hope I can stop your fantasy life from destroying my real one.Dan: Blair, I never wanted us to come between you too.Blair: When are you going to get it through your head? There’s no us! There never was. There’s nothing here but friendship, and even that’s gone now.

Blair: I wish I was telling you this at a better time, but… I’m pregnant.Serena: What? Oh my gosh, Blair! That’s amazing. Wait, that’s good news, right?Blair: Well I was happy. So happy. But now, what if I’m in this alone.Serena: No. You’re not alone. Ever.

Blair: Louis—Louis: Don’t. I’m ashamed enough of my behavior. I know you have a complicated past, but you’ve been honest about it. It’s hard for me. I want to believe, but every time I turn it seems there’s another secret.Blair: That night at Constance, you gave me a choice. And now I’m giving you one. Either you find a way to trust me, or you let me go.Louis: I could never let you go.

The Fasting and the Furious

Gossip Girl: On the Upper East Side, it’s not what you say that determines who you are. It’s what you do.Blair: I hope they take it well. Nothing matters more than our child being born into a big happy family.Louis: Are you ready?Gossip Girl: Whether you’re making a big announcement… or trying to close a deal.Serena: Hey. Jane.Jane: Did you lock up the film option for Dan’s book yet.Serena: No, I just finished reading it unfortunately.Jane: Need I remind you this is your chance to make up for blowing the Daniel Day Lewis deal.Serena: No reminder necessary. I’m on it.Gossip Girl: Or firing the first shot.Diana: The site goes live in twenty!

Sophie: Alors. La nouvelle?Blair: We’re going to have a baby.Eleanor: A baby?! You’re still in college!Blair: Mother.Cyrus: How wonderful!Eleanor: Wonderful? It’s a— wonderful… surprise. What is the record for youngest grandmother on the Upper East Side? Cyrus, I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it to sundown without eating.Sophie: I am thrilled without reservation! As long as the baby is born after you are married of course. The last thing this family needs is another bastard.

Blair: Thank you for keeping my secret.Beatrice: What are sisters for.

Serena: I may have overreacted about how you portrayed me in the book.Dan: Thank you so much. You know I have to admit it’s been kind of hard. My dad and Nate and Blair still won’t talk to me.Serena: Well things are looking up then. One down, three to go.Dan: Never thought you’d be the first.Serena: I am full of surprises. You know that.

Jane: Why are you gossiping when a deal you’re running point on is falling apart on live television?Serena: I’m sorry. This is Blair, my best friend. I figured maybe she could help.Jane: This isn’t high school. This is my business. I told you not to embarrass me.

Blair: I have an idea for you: quit. Your boss is a bitch. Let’s go to lunch.Serena: My job is important to me, B. You have six months to deal with your problem. I have six minutes to deal with mine. Goodbye.

Blair: Yes. If everyone else is moving on with their lives then I’m ready to do the same. All the way to Monaco. You’re my family now, Louis. And I want to be yours. Tell your mother that I’m going to be a Grimaldi and I intend to live like one.

Cyrus: And furthermore it says that if you break any of these rules you face the possibility of losing custody of your child to the royal family.Blair: What? Wait, that’s—Louis: Outrageous.

Eleanor: I have to confess that I may have been the one to put the idea of a contract in Beatrice’s head. I was just bragging about you and it didn’t matter where you lived. No one can keep you from being your own person. And that is part of why you will be a wonderful mother.Blair: Thank you for saying that. I know this isn’t what you wanted for me. At least not yet.Eleanor: These things happen when they happen. That’s the first lesson of being a parent. Children don’t do what you want them to do all the time, when you want them to do it. But you love them anyway.

Lily: Well I bet you never thought you’d hear such good parenting advice from Blair Waldorf.Rufus: It’s time to let my anger go and return Dan’s calls. I mean if he didn’t piss me off it would just mean he wasn’t growing up.Lily: That is the Rufus Humphrey that I love.

Serena: When you told me you were pregnant I said that I would be there for you, no matter what, and I haven’t been. And I’m sorry.Blair: Well you had a work crisis.Serena: Yeah, but the truth is I was jealous.Blair: Well if it makes you feel better marrying a prince isn’t what fairytales would lead you to believe.Serena: No, that’s not what I was jealous about. You’re the star of Dan’s book.Blair: Well as I said, it’s pure fiction.

I Am Number Nine

Gossip Girl: They say the road of life is long and winding. So it’s important to mark the milestones along the way. from picking your bridesmaids—.Dorota: So many minions. How are you ever going to decide?Blair: Tryouts begin after breakfast.

Louis: Why do I feel there’s a request coming?Blair: Not a request. A special dispensation.Louis: For what?Dorota: Scheming and manipulating.Blair: Who do you work for? Louis, can’t you just turn a blind eye for… let’s say twenty-four hours.Louis: Blair—Blair: All I’d be doing is spending the day with my former minions. Maybe some light water boarding involved.

Blair: As faithful minions through the years, you’ve each earned a chance to be immortalized as a bridesmaid in my royal wedding. But legally I must warn you not everyone will survive the tryouts.

Blair: Where’s Nelly Yuki?Penelope: Yale. Where she got in and you didn’t. Plus she hates you, remember?

Blair: Dressing me for my wedding day means attending to my every need, no matter how big or small. Adjust for reception! Cinch that train! Penelope! She has to pee!Dorota: Where secret wedding location?!Penelope: We don’t know!Dorota: Who designed Miss Blair dress?!Jessica: We can’t tell you that!Blair: Good one Jessica. Now block that baby bump!

Louis: How was your day?Blair: Just what I needed. Old habits die hard.Louis: If they die at all.

Louis: The paternity test showed me that some part of you thought you might still have a choice to make, and I needed you to see that Chuck would always be the wrong one.Blair: Louis, I don’t now how many more times I can say this, but Chuck and I can never work.Louis: You know that for certain?Blair: I do. So does he. And so should you. Chuck destroys everything and everybody in his life. And he’ll never change. But what’s scaring me is that you’re changing into him.

Blair: What are you doing here? I don’t have the energy to rehash tonight’s hysterics. I think you should leave.Chuck: I’m not here to apologize about what happened tonight.Blair: Then what are you here to apologize for?Chuck: Everything else. I’m sorry for losing my temper the night you told me Louis proposed to you. I’m sorry for not waiting longer at the Empire State Building. I’m sorry for treating you like property. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I loved you when I knew I did. Most of all I’m sorry I gave up on us when you never did.Blair: Thank you.

Blair: I hope never giving up on people isn’t going to be my downfall.Chuck: That’s why you’re going to be an amazing mother. You’re always there for the people you love. Even when they don’t deserve it.Blair: You know that’s never going to change.Chuck: It’s okay if it has to. Starting tonight I’m going to take care of myself.Blair: Is that all?Chuck: Yeah.

The Big Sleep No More

Dorota: Uh oh. Mr. Chuck in dream again.Blair: When Chuck’s in them they’re all nightmares.Dorota: What he do now?Blair: Behave like a perfect gentleman. Which makes him even more chilling. That fake apology of his has permeated my subconscious and haunts me even when I sleep.Dorota: Apology not seem so fake to me.Blair: That’s because English is your second language!

Blair: Grab the bread. Not even Chuck’s media mind games could disrupt the calm I feel off feeding the ducks. Besides, you could use the exercise.Dorota: I’m pregnant too, remember?

Blair: What are you doing here? Our treaty of 2010 clearly states the duck pond is my domain. {Monkey whines at her} Don’t try to fool me with your puppy dog eyes.Chuck: I apologize for the intrusion, but your web-winged friend here waddled into the dog park and was about to become a labrador’s lunch.Blair: And out of the goodness of your heart you came to his rescue.Chuck: I like Duck a l’Orange as much as the next person, but it seemed cruel to let the poor creature suffer.Blair: Especially in front of a photographer. What a lucky duck.Chuck: I’ve imposed on your domain long enough already. If you’ll excuse me, Monkey needs his constitutional.

Blair: How much more do you need to see?Dorota: Of duck pond? Not really my thing to begin with.

Blair: I can’t rest until I can prove Chuck is still his satanic self. What do you think would be more effective, having his shirts pressed with too much starch or getting him served blended Scotch at the Empire bar?Dorota: What is test testing exactly?Blair: We’ll be there—in clever disguises of course—to see him eviscerate the dry cleaner. Or fire the bartender. Thus proving that he’s only pretending to be magnanimous when I’ll be there or see it in the press.Dorota: You sure you not just do this because you and Prince Louis not in a good place right now?

Serena: Why are you looking for Chuck?Blair: I have no choice! He’s trying to destroy my relationship with Louis because he knows it’s vulnerable.Serena: I’m pretty sure the only war Chuck is waging is with his own demons.

Blair: Do you remember when we used to play dress-up?Chuck: How could I forget. Though I didn’t think this was your kind of entertainment anymore.

Nate: So I don’t get it, you kissed Blair so she’d think you hadn’t changed?Chuck: The only way for Blair to move on is if she thinks I never will. I had to kiss her to set her free.Nate: That may be the most selfless thing you’ve ever done.Chuck: I’ve never been more good and less happy about it.

All the Pretty Sources

Louis: I know I said some stupid things before I left, but I’ve come back a better man. I promise you.Blair: I believe you. And I’m glad because I need you to be your best Prince Charming at our shower tonight.

Gossip Girl: This just in: we hear Blair took a paternity test to find out which daddy makes three.
Louis: This is exactly the type of thing I’m talking about.Blair: You think someone I know sent that?Louis: Your friends know no loyalty. Each one rats out the next. And you and I get sucked right into it.Blair: My friends and I have grown up. We’re not like that anymore. Whoever sent that is clearly from your bloodline. namely your sister, Beatrice.

Blair: I will not tolerate this insubordination. Are you her minions or mine? Just… give me a hint as to the size of the gathering and the level of formality. just so I don’t show up overly-fabulous—if there is such a thing.

Penelope: Actually Serena’s been so slammed with work and her blog, she hasn’t had time to plan anything elaborate. So it’s going to be a rather intimate affair.Blair: Intimate?Penelope: Mm hm.Blair: Okay.Jessica: Yes. Dress casual.
Um, I think the line from the evite was “Jeans okay.”Blair: Casual. Jeans. Evite?

Blair: You know Louis was right. None of us here are really friends. We just pretend to be so we can get stuff to talk about behind each other’s backs.Serena: B, I’ll admit that I saw the web page but I had nothing to do with it coming out. I actually did every I could to stop it and I thought I succeeded.Blair: Well if you didn’t do it then who did?

Blair: It was you who posted that page, wasn’t it?Louis: I was trying to show you what your friends are really like. Once and for all.Blair: You could have shown me at home. You wanted this to happen. It was more important to prove your point than our own shower.

Blair: Do you see what we keep doing here? All the fights and accusations? It isn’t my friends, it’s us. I thought we were better people than this. The only ones caught in a cycle are us.Louis: A cycle created by your friends in New York.Blair: I can’t do this anymore.

Chuck: You shouldn’t be here.Blair: I know. But I had to come. You’ve really been good this whole time, haven’t you?

Rhodes to Perdition

Blair: Why should I thank someone for a blender? Do I look like the kind of girl who makes margaritas?Dorota: Oh, margaritas sound delicious. But six months away at least.

Blair: I still love Louis. I just want to marry the sweet Prince who returned my Vivier slipper and made me believe in fairytales, not one of the Brothers Grimm.Dorota: Even Prince Charming can fall off horse.

Blair: I need this time to figure out what went wrong with Louis and right it.Dorota: Maybe he Freaky Friday with Mr. Chuck. They struck by lightning at the same time or pee in the same fountain.Blair: That’s incredibly unsanitary.

Blair: Your transformation really is astounding. Care to share how you gave up your bad Bass ways. How you went from Charlie Sheen to Charlie Brown? Bar to mitzvah?Chuck: There really is no answer to that question. It’s an evolution.Blair: Hm.Chuck: What’s really going on Blair?Blair: Okay, if you must know I’m trying to pinpoint the source of your light so I can pull Louis out of the darkness. You changed, so can he. I have all day.

Doctor: And what is it you’re searching for, Blair?Blair: Nice try on the bait-and-switch, but I was a teenage bulimic and my father came out when I was fifteen. This isn’t my first analysis.

Doctor: Are you saying that you want your fiance to be more like Chuck?Blair: No! More like the man Chuck’s become. Like Louis used to be when Chuck was like Louis is now.Doctor: If you don’t mind my saying so, you seem confused.

Chuck: But I did let go of you, Blair.Blair: Then prove it by telling me how!
Chuck: I can’t. But if you don’t believe me, call on Harry Winston. The night of the Spectator launch, I left the engagement ring I bought you on the doorstep. And walked away.

Chuck: Doctor Krueger thought you were upset I returned the ring.Blair: He has too many PhDs. They cancel each other out and make him a moron.Chuck: I returned it because you asked me to let you go. I wanted to move on to give you a happy life you deserve.Blair: All this time I’ve blamed you. For pulling me into the dark. But I was wrong. It was me who brought out your dark side. And now that I’m with Louis I’ve done the same to him.

Chuck: You never pulled me to the dark side, Blair.Blair: I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, but I have my answer.Chuck: You’re the lightest thing that ever came into my life.

Gossip Girl: Long after the clubs have closed, disco inferno rages on. For some, it’s burning desire that keeps them awake at night.Dorota: Miss Blair, if you finally find key to bring Mr. Louis back to the castle why you not look like perky self?

Riding in Town Cars with Boys

Dorota: The same thing happening to me. Pregnancy makes fingers swell up like kielbasas.Blair: Well the paparazzi aren’t camped out downstairs to find out if your wedding is called off. If they see me without my ring they’ll think it means something.Dorota: I start to think maybe it does.

Blair: I plan on having my child the old-fashioned way: fully sedated. And the only Downward Dog I want to see you doing is cleaning up the dust from under that couch.

Gossip Girl: I guess it’s time for me to accept that if you want something badly enough you have to go out and get it yourself.Dan: Hey, I was wondering what you were doing today.Blair: Coming to stay with you, actually.Dan: Uh… okay.Gossip Girl: Watch out, kids. The end of me just might turn out to be the end of one of you.

Dan: I saw your photo in the paper. Is everything okay?Blair: Everything is horrible. I need to go to Louis and reassure him that he’s never going to lose me but something is stopping me.Dan: Chuck is stopping you.Blair: No. I haven’t even spoken to Chuck.Dan: You don’t have to. You have some strange force field effect on each other. Physicists should study it.

Blair: I’ll start with Chuck. Pros: he truly has become a good man.Dan: Cons: he’s slept with every woman in New York. It could get a little awkward at dinner parties.Blair: Sometimes fun. Don’t judge.

Blair: I need your advice. It seems as you’ve found your way I’ve lost mine.Chuck: I didn’t think Blair Waldorf could get lost.Blair: Neither did I but I’m so lost I wound up in Brooklyn.Chuck: There are worse places. This isn’t something Humphrey can help you with?Blair: No. Only you.

Blair: Do you think you could love another man’s child.Chuck: Why are you asking me this?Blair: I’m paralyzed. I can’t move, I can’t breathe. You have to help me.Chuck: I can’t make this decision for you, Blair. You’re the one that has to live with it.Blair: But what’s the right choice, Chuck?Chuck: I can’t imagine it would be a mistake to marry to father of your child. Right?

Dan: What do you really want?Blair: To be happy. But I don’t think I know how to anymore.Dan: Well I think I know how to make you happy.

Blair: You brought me to watch a human sacrifice. Or an episode of The Bachelor. Either way I am not happy.

Blair: Why did you tell me to choose Louis?Chuck: I thought it was selfish if I was the one to tell you to break up your family.Blair: That was the moment you chose not to be selfish?

Chuck: I had it all wrong. Just because Louis is the father of your baby does not mean you should be with him, you should be with me.Blair: Why?Chuck: Because I’m going to love your baby as much as I love you.

The End of the Affair?

Blair: Dorota’s obviously become lax in announcing visitors.Chuck: There’s no need to reprimand the help. Louis invited me in.Blair: I should have known you’d manipulate someone.Chuck: How can you blame me. You won’t respond to my texts or calls. I just wanted to be there for you after the baby.Blair: Well as you can see I survived without you. And I indeed to continue that way, so you should go.Chuck: That’s it? I’m just cut out of your life without any explanation?Blair: My New York wedding is in less than a month. I have to keep my priorities in order.Chuck: We were your priority. What happened, Blair? What changed after the accident?Blair: Did it ever occur to you that there’s no such thing as an accident?Chuck: Well it certainly felt like one when the car hit the wall.Blair: Or it was the universe’s way of pointing out what’s really important.Chuck: How can you say we weren’t important? You were the only thing that matters.Blair: Well you’re obviously not leaving, so I will.

Blair: Vera designed it for me before the accident. And now… all I see is everything I lost.

Blair: Now. What did you burst in on my emotional moment to yell at me about?

Blair: Why am I even asking your opinion on fashion? And why are you not responding? What stopped your never ending soliloquy?

Blair: Don’t go all Notebook on me. Not now. I need you.Dan: Hey, you have me. Alright?

Serena: I hope you’ll focus on getting your fiancée to come to the party tonight. She could really use a night out with people who care about her.

Dan: You’re the most accomplished liar I know. Except maybe Jenny, but you trained her.Blair: This is different.Dan: Well maybe, but Blair, what is a lifetime of blackmailing authority figures and casting out townies if it doesn’t add up to the ability to at least feign a marginal level of happiness at an office party.

Serena: B. What’s going on? I feel like we’ve barely talked since you got back.Blair: Wedding planning has been all-consuming.Serena: You’ve had your wedding planned since you were twelve. Whatever it is, you can tell me.

Blair: Please God. You have my baby. You can’t take Chuck too. If you exist, let him live. I’ll do anything. I promise I’ll keep my vow to marry Louis. And never be with him again.Nurse: Blair Waldorf? Chuck Bass is asking for you.

Serena: That’s why you cut Chuck out of your life? B, that nurse wasn’t an angel.Blair: I know that. But… one minute he was dead and then I made a promise and he was alive.Serena: That wasn’t a miracle. That was modern medicine.

Blair: There’s no way out of it. If anything ever happened to Chuck I would feel like it was my fault. I made a vow to marry Louis and that’s what I’m going to do.Serena: You can’t base the rest of your life on one desperate moment. God doesn’t punish people for being in love.

Louis: I owe you an apology. I know I promised to trust you, but I had a small lapse.Blair: Oh, ah, none of us is perfect. We don’t even need to speak of it.Louis: I do.

Chuck: What the hell is going on?Blair: I just came to tell you what a wonderful person you’ve become. And I hope you won’t let this change that.Chuck: Well don’t leave me.Blair: I’m not doing it to hurt you.Chuck: You sat in the car and you said you’d never go. We were going to spend the rest of our lives together and now you can’t even look at me. Now you don’t even care enough to tell me why?Blair: I saw what was important and I made the only choice I could.

Chuck: Love does not just disappear.Blair: We can never be together. Chuck, just move on and be happy.Chuck: I can’t. Until I know why, I won’t stop. I will use all of the power I have to find out the truth.Blair: Some things are more powerful than even you. I’m sorry. Don’t let this destroy all the good in you. Just because we can’t be together doesn’t mean I won’t love you.

Louis: You’re not getting cold feet, are you?Blair: No. I’ve never been more sure of any decision in my entire life.

Father and the Bride

Blair: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I… pressed the close button on an elevator door when I saw a woman running to catch it.Father Cavalia: Why did you do that?Blair: It was a long ride down to the lobby and she was wearing too much perfume. Diddy called it Unforgivable for a reason.

Blair: You’re following me!Chuck: I’m not going to leave until you tell me what changed. Why you turned your back on me—on us!Blair: I told you everything there is to say. Lurking in doorways won’t help.Chuck: Sooner or later you’re going to crack. You always do.

Blair: I’ve never been so happy to be surrounded by so many Bridge and Tunnel types.

Goth Chick: Hey Bride, you got a match?Blair: Two. And that’s the problem.

Blair: I know Louis loves me, but sometimes I wonder if he understands me. But reading this is exactly what I needed to go into our wedding sure of my choice.Serena: Can I be a little jealous?Blair: You may.