My hope and change

This really isn’t a brag, just an observation that has me wondering how far I can really take this mission I’m on. Complex PTSD is a subject that is largely covered by psychology and psychiatry professionals. I’m not one of those, but I am an informed patient. I’ve been working to put that information into this blog, some third party articles and the book I’ve been working on, with the challenge of trying to make it more accessible to people who deal with C-PTSD in their lives. The benefit that I get from this work is the direction and focus it gives me in bringing my therapy to a close.

So, here’s the interesting observation… every search I do on Complex PTSD brings up the Stoning Demons blog, the C-PTSD book or other projects I’ve put out there on the first or second page… or back links where others are referencing this work (which is really more of a collection than a story right now). The slow, but steady hits on the sites show me that there are people out there looking for this information. The comments I get show me that people are at least helped by the collection. Another sobering point that I can make from all of this is that there are a lot of people who are seeking help, resources, strategies and hope. We are not a small population. This is not some rare, isolated condition that affects a few people. There are many who deal with the symptoms without really understanding what they are… even if they are painfully aware of their personal histories that cause them.

I think there is a real opportunity for me to move out of my personal process into something that can help educate, heal and inform. I’m more interested in this work being directed at adults, even though my greatest wish will be to see the causes of C-PTSD eliminated, the most obvious (for me) being underlying familial dysfunction and parental mental illness. I know there is a path to recovery, healing, self-acceptance and the kind of self-determination that puts pain in its place… the past. There is hope.

I guess my point is that if this bit of work is gaining this kind of interest, without a great deal of outward promotion, it means that I have found something exceptional out of this recovery process… a viable, meaningful new career… a life’s purpose that can mean something to others. Bonus!

Kimberley – Your blog is one of the few blogs I frequently come back to. I find a lot of good resources here, and I appreciate your efforts to discuss the research that’s out there.

Jung talked about the Wounded healer archetype. He was, in fact, a wounded healer himself. I think it’s those who’ve had the trials by fire and came through to the other side that have the most compassion to offer others who are in similar situations. They know how difficult the journey is and understand the obstacles that block the way.

Thank you so much, Casey. I’ve wanted to write about this since I was in my 20s, but frankly I don’t think that would have necessarily been the right time. The worst episodes of my C-PTSD didn’t happen until my early 40s. I have a different perspective now and so does medical science, so I feel that this work is more grounded.

I like the association of the wounded healer. I suppose that is what we are doing. I’ve called myself an ‘informed patient’ and see writing as my contribution to our community of survivors.

Kimberly, much along the lines of the above visitors’ comments, I can’t possibly stress enough what a life-saver your blog is! Similar to you, I somehow managed to go along with it until my early 40ies, when I was hit by frequent and hard panic attacks that ultimately turned me incapable of perpetuating the work I had been doing for most of my adult life. Prior to that, a series of heavy blows to my personal and professional life had me realize that healing now has to come first and that my life didn’t feel much like living, but mere survival from one day to the next.

I don’t think, I’ve been as well-organized as you in my journey and research and in the beginning I still put too much stock – and unfortunately to be understood literally… – into the established medical system, which – with one or two outstanding, positive exceptions – I have to completely dismiss as almost clueless about this condition in my country (Germany) – at least until recently, I’d say. But much like you, it dawned on me I’d have to depend on myself and my analytical skills in finding a good way to heal, because – also much like you – in the midst of the deepest, suicidal despair I noticed that something was “off” to the effect of realizing that I didn’t REALLY have a death wish – I was just terribly lost and left alone and overwhelmed with noone to talk to for some time.

If I hadn’t come across your blog first, chances are I’d have gone about the whole thing in similar ways. Now, I repeatedly find myself nodding in agreement with nothing substantial to add to what you’re blogging about or the type of articles you keep finding, because you’re so good at what you’re doing! I really wish for you to eventually be able of generating an income from this that will support you to the point, where you can dedicate all of your time to this work (if you wish so). I hope, it’s o.k. to reblog some of your articles on account of what I expressed above – they’re simply too good to be missed.

Brava galore on taking charge like this! You’re my (new) C-PTSD heroine! (as in hero, not to be confused with the drug, LOL :))

I wish I still lived in Holland. I would just have to meet you and discuss this whole C-PTSD thing at length!

My greatest ambition is to write for a living… and write on this topic in particular (with little respites into science fiction, just for fun). I am working with an idea to split the book I’m working on into smaller ebooks, instead of trying to finish it as one piece of work. I started working on this idea a bit more this week, now focusing exclusively on the first book in the series, which will be called Stoning Demons of Fear. I’m going to focus in on this one aspect of C-PTSD and work through all of the various angles I’ve discovered in the psychobiology of fear and anxiety.

I think the next one I would work on is Stoning Demons of Loneliness. There are many parts of this condition that can be taken as a whole entity… the suicidality, identity, memory, truth…

Like you, I have simply become unable to work on much besides this. I had to give up a successful consulting career because I could not handle the stress any longer. I mourned my career and my former professional self, it was hard to give up an identity that served me so well. Consulting let me put my past out of my head for a good many years, but I found myself unable to fight the progression of PTSD.

I once said that I had to fall into a million pieces before I would ever stop to pick them up.

Thank you for all of your lovely comments and support. Please reblog whatever you like. I am built up by support like this…. it reminds me that this is all worthwhile.

Oh yes, having you live closer and meet in person would be terrific! But feel free to discuss anything c-ptsd related with me nonetheless, if you feel like it. After all, technology like e.g. Skype or G+ and hangouts have brought us together so much closer these days (on a side-note: That’s what got me excited about technology in the first place, the possibility to reach out to people I’d otherwise would have most likely never met!). I was going to offer some co-authoring, but I have to be careful with comitting to things at this particular time, as I’m still not all back to feeling centered and safe and/or a regular routine which I’ve established for myself, the reasons of which have to do with external parameters that still trigger me too hard in order to arrive at feeling safe. But I’d love to contribute in some small way, as your journey is really sooo reminiscent of my own in many, many places it seems.

On another side note: Some of that adversity – or shall we say confusion and deliberation? – is from my attempts of coming back to music in some way and whether or not it’s a good idea or rather: What setting I have to find in order for it to be a good idea. On the bright side, I keep seeing these posts left and right that talk about the incredible healing power of music in people suffering from “real” as in: much more profound mental illnesses, the likes of which comprise e.g. schizophrenia, Alzheimers and general dementia. In particular this famous case of former Julliard-trained violinist Nathaniel Ayers, who ultimately dropped out of Julliard and became homeless in the process, casts a bright spotlight on the healing effects music would have on him (http://www.ted.com/talks/robert_gupta.html // the movie on him at http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0821642). Corroborating evidence seems to abound that proves how music has a beneficial, healing effect on pathological neurological processes and patterns (I’d have to dig up links on this, I came past some by happenstance). I think the aforementioned TED video even has an Alzheimers’ patient on it, who is still able to sing his favorite songs from memory!!! Something that shouldn’t be possible given the effects of Alzheimers on patients…

So.. I thought I’d toss the music coin in as another potential healing tool, even if it’s “only” listening to it, like e.g. meditational music and such. I find, I have a much easier time addressing “fear of fear” when listening to such music upon falling asleep. Also, my dreams – if any – are much more pleasant in that case.

I sent you a Facebook request. Feel free to drop me an inbox at your choosing and convenience. 🙂
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About Stoning Demons

Stoning Demons is an informed patient's perspective on complex post-traumatic stress disorder, developmental trauma and marijuana-supported therapy from the perspective of a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.