Quebec provincial police are
looking for Krysztof Masiak, 48, a man who was diagnosed with
paranoid-schizophrenia after killing his nine-year-old daughter
in 2001.

How did he "escape" from the
Phillipe Pinel Institute in Montreal?

The hospital thought it would
be best for him (forget the Canadians) to have a day out
unsupervised.

He never returned.

The institutes' director, Dr.
Jocelyn Aubut, says it isn't his fault, or anyone's fault
at the institute. "We have a psychiatrist, psychologist,
a criminologist. There are some special objectives tests which
are passed. Every patient has to go before a tribunal before
we give them day passes."

A pretty woman was serving a
life sentence in prison. Angry and resentful about her
situation, she had decided that she would rather die than
to live another year in prison.

Over the years she had become
good friends with one of the prison caretakers.
His job, among others, was to bury those prisoners who died
in a graveyard just outside the prison walls. When
a prisoner died, the caretaker rang a bell, which was heard
by everyone. The caretaker then got the body and put it
in a casket. Next, he entered his office to fill out the death
certificate before returning to the casket to nail
the lid shut. Finally, he put the casket on a wagon to
take it to the graveyard and bury it.

Knowing this routine, the woman
devised an escape plan and shared it with the caretaker.
The next time the bell rang, the woman would leave
her cell and sneak into the dark room where the coffins
were kept. She would slip into the coffin with the dead
body while the caretaker was filling out the death certificate.
When the care-taker returned, he would nail the
lid shut and take the coffin outside the prison with the
woman in the coffin along with the dead body. He
would then bury the coffin. The woman knew there would be enough
air for her to breathe until later in the evening when
the caretaker would return to the graveyard under
the cover of darkness, dig up the coffin, open it,
and set her free.

The caretaker was reluctant to
go along with this plan, but since he and the woman had
become good friends over the years, he agreed to do it.

The woman waited several weeks
before someone in the prison died. She was asleep in her
cell when she heard the death bell ring. She got up
and slowly walked down the hallway. She was nearly caught a couple
of times. Her heart was beating fast. She opened
the door to the darkened room where the coffins were kept.
Quietly in the dark, she found the coffin that contained
the dead body, carefully climbed into the coffin and
pulled the lid shut to wait for the caretaker to come and
nail the lid shut.

Soon she heard footsteps and
the pounding of the hammer and nails. Even though
she was very uncomfortable in the coffin with the dead body,
she knew that with each nail she was one step closer
to freedom. The coffin was lifted onto the wagon and taken
outside to the graveyard. She could feel the coffin being
lowered into the ground. She didn't make a sound as the
coffin hit the bottom of the grave with a thud. Finally
she heard the dirt dropping onto the top of the
wooden coffin, and she knew that it was only a matter
of time until she would be free at last. After
several minutes of absolute silence, she began to laugh.
She was free! She was free! Feeling curious, she decided
to light a match to find out the identity of the dead
prisoner beside her.

To her horror, she discovered
that she was lying next to the dead caretaker.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced
to prison. During his stay, he got along well
with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden
saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements
for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After 3 years, Andy was recognized
as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs
for the citizens of the community, and he always reported
back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling
his kitchen and in fact had done much of the
work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of
kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had
promised his wife.

The Warden called Andy into his
office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd
really like to help you but counter fitting is what got
me into prison in the first place.''

An escaped convict, imprisoned
for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence
in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and
tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and
his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman,
and it appeared he was kissing her neck.

Suddenly he got up and left the
room.

As soon as possible the husband
made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow,
and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry.
Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants
to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you
like it. Whatever you do do not fight him or make him mad.
Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in
her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved
you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years,
but he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the
Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

A prisoner in jail receives a
letter from his wife. "I have decided to plant some lettuce
in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the
prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter, "Dear Wife,
whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That
is where I hid all the gold."

A week or so later, he received
another letter from his wife: "You would not believe
what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and
dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter:
"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

TopSubj: Modern
Prison (S923d)
By Jackomatic
From: Brian Giguere on Facebook Source: http://imgur.com/gallery/xFVXjUY............Click
'HERE'
to see all the details in the full, larger picture...TopSubj: Three
Convicts Bring Items To Prison (S23)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-28

Three convicts were on the way to prison.
They were eachallowed to take one item with them
to help them occupy theirtime whilst stuck behind bars.
On the bus, one turned toanother and said, "So, what did you
bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box
of paints and stated thathe intended to paint anything he could.
He wanted to becomethe "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did
you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck
of cards and grinned andsaid, "I brought cards. I can
play poker, solitaire and gin,and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly
aside grinning to himself.The other two took notice and asked,
"Why are you so smug? Whatdid you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons
and smiled. "I broughtthese."

The other two were puzzled and asked,
"What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and
said, "Well according tothe box, I can go horseback riding,
swimming, roller-skating..."

IN PRISON they spend the majority
of their time in a 8' x 10'cell. AT WORK, I spend most of my
time in a 6' x 8' cube.

IN PRISON they get three meals
a day. AT WORK I only get a break for
one meal, ? I have to pay for the meal.

IN PRISON you get time off for
good behavior. AT WORK I get rewarded for good
behavior with more work.

AT WORK many people must wear
an ID badge at all times. IN PRISON they provide you with
clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the clothes.

AT WORK there is a dress standard
but I must buy my own clothes. IN PRISON there is a dress standard,
but they supply the clothes.

AT WORK I must carry around a
security card and unlock and open all the doors myself. IN PRISON a guard locks and
unlocks all the doors for me.

IN PRISON they can watch TV and
play games. At work I can get fired for
watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON they will pay my way
through school to learn a new career and give
me time to do it. AT WORK they will pay for my
education but I must do it on my own time.

IN PRISON they have exercise
rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever
you want. AT WORK we have an exercise
room that you can use but it must be on your time.

IN PRISON I can fall asleep on
the job and no serious consequences comes
from my actions. AT WORK if I fall asleep on
the job I get put on the next layoff list.

IN PRISON they ball-and-chain
you when you go somewhere. AT WORK you are just ball-and-chained.

IN PRISON you have full medical
coverage with no deductibles. AT WORK, you get partial coverage
and pay all the deductibles.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid
by the taxpayer, with no work on their part. AT WORK, you get to pay all
the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes
from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

From: auntieg on 98-03-09 IN PRISON you get your own toilet. AT WORK you have to share.

IN PRISON they allow your family
and friends to visit. AT WORK you cannot even speak
to your family and friends.

IN PRISON you spend most of your
life looking through bars
from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK you spend most of your
time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON there are wardens who
are often sadistic. AT WORK they are called managers.

TopSubj: Getting
Used To The Outside (S407b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/16/2004 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com).............Subj: Short
Prison Jokes

TopSubj: Trapped
In A Toilet (S240)
From: bonehead on 9/3/2001 A hapless and very terrified
prison inmate, who stopped to use a portable toilet after
performing his work as part of a Morro Bay, California
chain-gang was suddenly whisked away when a truck hooked
itself up to the ''portaloo'' and began driving
away.

The man was rescued after somebody
called the police to report that a man, in a portaloo,
travelling on the highway, was standing inside, with the
door open, shouting 'Hey, Help!'

Ananova 29-Aug-01

From: bonehead on 7/29/2001 This bonehead award, a ''too
dumb to be a criminal bonehead award,'' goes to a convict in
Newark, Delaware who escaped one night from a Delaware jail
prompting police to contact local motels and hotels to warn
them, and who, needing a room for the night, entered a Travelodge
motel and who, needing to present some sort of ID to get
the room, presented his prison ID.

From: Darwin Awards2 Surprised while burgling a
house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door,
clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down, and found
himself in the city prison.

From: DoctorDebt on 6/25/2004 (S388b) A good friend will come and
bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting
next to you saying, " Dang ... that was fun!"

From: igiggle on 5/24/2006 (S487b) A cement mixer collided with
a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for
sixteen hardened criminals.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #195 on 98-08-23
(S388b) Q: What do prisoners use to
call each other? A: Cell phones.