Thursday, September 28, 2006

For thirteen years Dustin Diamond entertained us as lovable dork Samuel "Screech" Powers on various incarnations of the Saturday morning sitcom Saved by the Bell.

Now Screech is the latest and most unlikely member of the celebrity sex tape club. Unfortunately the video in question does not involve Lisa Turtle -- or Jessie Spano or Kelly Kapowski for that matter.

Instead Diamond, who describes himself as "all nose and hose," reportedly romps with two ladies who never walked the halls of Bayside High. The tape is rumored to be unusually dirty, even by modern pornography standards.

As of now the tape is in the hands of notorious smut peddler David Schmidt, the man behind the release of the Paris Hilton sex tape. It is unclear if the tape was stolen from Diamond or if this is another attempt by the unemployed actor to free himself from the long shadow of Screech.

Previously Diamond has tried to slide out of his typecast by participating in celebrity boxing and forcibly thwarting a female video game thief in an Omaha, Nebraska hotel room.

Schimidt claims there is a flurry of interest in the forty-minute video and sources say mainstream media companies are involved in the bidding. This is a little hard to believe when the sordid soiree is said to involve fecal matter and is preliminarily titled "Saved by the Smell."

Nevertheless, if this tape does end up causing a splash expect the ripples to reach deep into the ever-ready community of former child stars.

So yes America, we will soon see Gary Coleman naked and doing very bad things.