Sometimes Food and Alcohol are More Important than Babies

Babies are cute, no doubt. Granted, not all babies, and definitely not all the time but they are for the most part in the cute vicinity. However, I often find that they’re only as cute as the distance between said babies and any place away from them is long; let’s face it, when you’ve witnessed a few of their tantrums, all you want to do is go home to your couch and open a bottle of wine.

Overtime I’ve discovered something about myself – I may not be a nurturer, but I do fancy myself a ‘protector’ of all that matters to me. Let’s take plants for example… I like the way they look but I would never be able to have any at my house; they’d die! I would either not water them enough or water them too much. I think it’s because ultimately, while they’re nice to look at, I don’t really care if they’re there or not.

What about pets? I love dogs. Am I at a point in my life where I would be able to have one? Hell no. Dogs aren’t self-sufficient – they need attention, food and to be walked regularly. I’m more at a point in my life where I need to be able to stay out all night, drunk and guilt-free. Imagine if I had a baby with that mentality? They would call child protective services on me faster than I’d be able to cure my hangover. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

So, seeing as how I’m currently baby-free and I don’t own a dog, instead my life is happily filled with six-packs of beer, a bunch of cheap wine bottles from Ralph’s and bags of goodies from BevMo; and when that stuff is in my passenger seat, I soccer mom that shit at a traffic light like a mama bear. It will forever remain safe under my watch.

That’s not to say that I don’t hope to have both dogs and babies…. One day. Until then, my loving relationship with food and alcohol takes precedence.