Thursday, April 9, 2015

Letters to Emmett

You
are a blessing and a gift from God.

You left us on Wednesday,
on your one month birthday. I had planned in my head to write
something that day in praise of you and your brother: how you both
were my sweet, strong, gentle warriors who taught me how to fight and
to persevere, beyond what limits I believed about myself, all for
Love of you. You and your brother took me outside of what I thought
possible, you tapped a strength within me I didn't know existed. I
have the scars on my body now, from fighting, for you especially
Emmett, as evidence. I love that scar now. It is my proof, my
evidence that you were really here. That for however brief a time,
you were really mine.

You were always on the peripheral. From
the moment you were born, every glimpse of you was a gift. From the
first moment of your birth, our relationship was marked by longing
and by distance. So in many ways, it has not changed. I love you
deeply forever and always, from afar.

I am endlessly thankful
for the time I had with you. Sweet, sweet hours in the NICU, holding
you skin to skin, your rhythm of breath and heart warming my soul. In
those hours, everything was perfect and right and whole. I am so glad
for the time we had you at home to ourselves. I am so sorry I was so
tired and cranky; if I knew how precious and limited those days were,
oh I would've been different! I never did not love you Teddy bear. I
never, ever did not love you. I have from the moment I knew you were
growing inside of me loved you with my whole heart - from that first
moment, you were my world, my soul, my life.

I would give
anything, anything, anything and everything to have you back in my
arms, smiling mischievously in your sleep. You had jokes and mischief
to share! We wanted you with everything within us. We will miss the
shenanigans you would've caused with your brother.

I don't
want to write this sort of letter to you, Emmett. I want to say these
things over you while you nurse next to your brother. I want to tell
you these things when you are sixteen and pretend to be embarrassed
by them. I ache for the man I saw you as one day. I ache for the
little boy I was only just beginning to know, and loved endlessly.

I
miss you today. I miss you every moment. I want to kiss your chubby
teddy bear cheeks and hold you close. You have part of my heart with
you forever.