Friday, March 27, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The European Union is warning citizens to stay away from Facebook if they don’t want to spied on by the U.S. Although who really cares if the NSA knows what you ate for breakfast every day for the last three years and that your cat likes to chase a ball of string?

McDonald’s has introduced a Big Mac fashion and lifestyle line in Sweden, featuring clothes with images of the iconic hamburger. When it reaches the U.S., it will be the only collection to start out at size XXXLarge.

Tesla CEO Elon Musk says that Artificial Intelligence will treat humans “like Labradors.” We will know when that has happened when people will be seen in self-driving Teslas going down the freeway with their head hanging out the window.

A 350 pound gunman reportedly robbed a New York Domino’s. Police say the daring criminal had a lot of crust.

A 350 pound gunman reportedly robbed a New York Domino’s. The worst part is that he wanted the money from the register so he could go buy some Little Caesar’s.

A school in Pennsylvania sent home permission slips for students to eat Oreo cookies. Apparently they don’t to risk ruining the appetite for the kids’ pizza, chocolate milk and ice cream meal at lunch.

A school in Pennsylvania sent home permission slips for students to eat Oreo cookies. The reverse of the form only needs to be filled out if parents have not yet given permission for their children to be given their daily diabetes medications.

Nutritionists are warning about Warren Buffett’s “junk food portfolio” that includes investments in the companies that make Velveeta, Jell-O and Oscar Mayer. Or as morbidly obese people call that lineup, “the Buffett buffet.”

Nutritionists are warning about Warren Buffett’s “junk food portfolio” that includes investments in the companies that make Velveeta, Jell-O and Oscar Mayer. When Buffett says to buy low and sell high, apparently he is talking about the readings on household bathroom scales.

A broken traffic signal in Colorado featured a hand that gave pedestrians the middle finger. Normally, to get that experience while in a crosswalk you need to be in New York City trying to cross the street in front of a cabbie.

The new Google CFO will be paid $71 Million a year. Apparently before making the deal, the people at Google failed to type in “What is way too much money to pay someone?” on Google.

The new Google CFO will be paid $71 Million a year. Ironically, the Chief Financial Officer’s main job will be showing the other company executives how irresponsible they are to pay someone $71 Million a year.

The FTC says it is going after crooked car dealers that use false ads, odometer fraud and deceptive loans. To which car dealers are crying foul, saying the FTC is giving away all their best trade secrets.

Carnival Cruise Lines says it is adding nine new ships to its fleet. The company says it is already looking into hiring a crew and staff and is also trying to determine which company they will sign to do the eventual salvage operations.

The IRS says the average tax refund so far for 2014 is $2,893. The good news is that is just slightly more than what the average family income in the U.S. was just after the recession started.

Dean Smith, the UNC basketball head coach who died last month left $200 to each of his players. The NCAA is furious that Smith is making what it considers illegal payments to players but beat them to the punch for the death penalty.

The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau is proposing new regulations to stop payday loan operations that charge interest rates as high as 400%. Apparently the action was initiated by complaints from credit card companies who say they thought of it first.

The CEO of Bank of America saw a salary cut of 7% in 2014. Which is exactly the same percentage of people with home mortgages through the bank who actually still haven’t gone through foreclosure yet.

The EPA says that automakers are on track with keeping up with government fuel economy standards. In fact, GM cars are using hardly any gas now that all their vehicles are spending 90% of their time in the shop for the latest company recalls.

A survey says that retailers are failing to give shoppers what they want. Mostly the ability to walk through a mall without having seven different colognes and perfumes sprayed right into their eyes.

A survey says that retailers are failing to give shoppers what they want. Which is mostly the chance to pretend they are shopping when they really just want to park it at the food court for three hours of uninterrupted junk food binging.

A survey says that retailers are failing to give shoppers what they want. Mostly because it is impossible to pay mall rents and have enough money left over to sell products at a decent price and hire a staff that does anything besides ignoring the customers while they text their friends all day.

Researchers say the secret to living past 100 is to have good genes. Mostly to allow you to keep working well into your 90s to pay for all the doctor bills, prescriptions and medical devices you will need to live that long.

A study says that Ebola is not mutating into a supervirus. Mostly because any illness that has killed more than 10,000 people by eating their insides and causing projectile bleeding from the eyes has pretty much already achieved that status.

A report says that foster kids are put on too many antipsychotic drugs. Although adoption agencies say that is mostly just the ones who ended up in foster care after they chopped up their parents with a chain saw.

A study says that Antarctic ice is melting 70% faster in the past decade. Not to say it may be the result of global warming, but Sandals Resorts has already been buying land for a future location on the Ross Ice Shelf.

A study says that hand towels are the top contamination hazard in most kitchens. Especially when they are used by people to wash their hands after they have just brought home a go order from Taco Bell.

A study says that air pollution can trigger anxiety and even strokes. Mostly in people who become anxious and stressed out by reading how air pollution is going to kill them someday.

Kim Kardashian has reportedly gone back to being a brunette. Apparently blondes like her as a brunette as it takes some of the pressure off them for being stereotyped as being dumb.

Kelly Osbourne is applauding Zayn Malik for leaving One Direction. Some people never understood why her father Ozzy left Black Sabbath. They were OK with him leaving, they just could never understand him.

An evolutionary study says that men prefer Taylor Swift’s body type more than Kim Kardashian’s. There is also a survival instinct that warns men about wanting to keep her family genes from repopulating the world.

Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz says he has never “knowingly” used steroids. Apparently he had no idea that it was those shots he got in his butt from a guy in a back alley had anything to do with him gaining 40 pounds of muscle.

Engineering students in Virginia have come up with a way to extinguish fire with sound. It has worked so well, that every time Earth, Wind & Fire tries to perform they become just Earth & Wind.

A dress has been made with material produced from the process used to make beer. Which is ironic in that the process of an alcoholic beverage would make an article of women’s clothing, which is usually the same way most men use to get it to come right off again.

An analysis says that Google Chrome is the most popular web browser, with Internet Explorer second followed by Safari in third. Apparently Chrome is favored for its minimal interface, flexibility and speed in finding the most available porn sites.

Facebook says it wants to blur the lines between reality and virtual reality. How much more can the lines be blurred other than having 5,000 friends you have never met who insist on showing you what they ate for breakfast every day?

Facebook says it wants to blur the lines between reality and virtual reality. When people think anyone really cares about how long their cat can play with a ball of yarn, the lines have already been blurred beyond recognition.

Some people think Pluto may be welcomed back as a planet in the Solar System, and now the public has a chance at naming its most prominent features. Anyone interested can practice by trying to see a speck of dust on a passing car three blocks away.

Ride sharing company Uber has a new code of conduct that bans “aggressive behavior.” Which is going to be easier said than done when the company is basically running a for-payment hitchhiking operation.

Congress wants to open up the vast troves of federal airwaves to be used for cellphone service. Although the NSA is skeptical, saying it barely has the manpower to listen in on all the phone calls and look at all the naked pictures that are being texted back and forth by every American as it is.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another successful week in the books. Meaning it is finally Friday. Glad you stopped by to read some of the jokes. Now all you need to do is spread the word and let other people know how hilarious this site is. And yes, I am asking you to lie. But it’s the only way I will ever have a chance at reaching my goal of 7 Billion daily readers. Unless the planet’s population somehow soars to about 3 Trillion, which will put the odds back in my favor. Until then, all I ask is that once in awhile you all remember to send the love!