BMTV

Big Brother. Just for mums…?

January 4, 2007

What is going on with ‘celeb’ ‘reality’ shows these days? They appear to have dropped the term celebrity from their booking mandate. Celebrity Big Brother is the latest to settle for sub-Z-list celebrities. Most of them are has-beens – the only two current ‘celebs’ are the WAG and that tosser from a band I’ve never heard of (and I work for a music mag) who desperately wants to be Johnny Rotten.

I was about to give up, when who appeared through a puff of (cigar) smoke but Dirk Bennedict, Face in the A Team (my childhood crush). And hasn’t he aged well… And who’s betting he’ll escape in a few weeks having cobbled together a tank out of a bit of old piping and some screws that have conveniently been left lying around?

Going through the list of ‘celebs’ with mater afterwards was funny. She went “yep, him. Oh right, her… Isn’t it funny that I’ve heard of most of these, and yet most years I haven’t a clue who is who?” Rather telling I think – are they trying to poach the Strictly Come Dancing/Just The Two Of Us audience from BBC I wonder?

I did feel sorry for the WAG who got booed poor thing. She’s only young, and doesn’t seem that evil. Not evil enough to be booed anyway. One thing did make me smirk a tad though. She said she posed for Playboy and didn’t realise they’d show her boobs. Cut to a picture of her, full frontal, sticking her tits out. Oh love, did you think your boobs were tastefully hidden did you? Bless.

I have no idea why BB insist on booking ‘celebs’ from over seas anyway. Don’t we have a good enough cess pit of paranoid, desperate freaks here already? (I dunno, these foreign celebs, coming over here and taking our celebs’ 15 minutes of fame). And who hell is that Bollywood lady? Sure, she’s stunning. But she also rather arrogant and not really a celeb in Britain… And don’t even get me started on that pitiful excuse for a journalist Carol something. She exhibited classic self-confidence issues by constantly going up to people and saying “Ooh, I knew you’d be in. Oh, you asked for brandy didn’t you. Yes I know everything. I’m a journalist, you know.” It’s a desperate need for other people to see your worth by demonstrating that you have knowledge, and therefore power. We all do it. I suppose it’s why we chose the career in the first place…

Er… anyway. My faves so far are S Club Jo (she was always my fave) and Face, of course. He seems really gentle and lovely and the kind of person I wouldn’t mind my (un married) mother dating. I do hope he doesn’t do a u-turn and become a wanker. Jo is stunning and she did have the best voice in S Club (which isn’t actually a back-handed compliment for once!) and I love the way that she looks like a little angel and then comes out with this dirty, deep cockney voice. Brilliant.

Now, I shall try not to let CBB high-jack this blog as happened last summer. But do forgive me if I let myself get sucked in. Yet again. It’s only for a few weeks… Or is it?

Fair play to Donny Whatsispants from a rubbish band for saying “I will not wait hand and foot on that moron and her family”.

Jade Goody’s mother is the thickest human being of all time. She totally becomes Marjorie Dawes from Little Britain when talking to Shilpa. What is hard to grasp about a two syllable name that is pronounced exactly as you would expect? I literally can’t watch that thing on television for more than one second without chewing my fist down to a bloody stump.