Your Spouse Is Behaving Badly...

Okay, so you've made a polite request for behavior change. And a not-so-polite request. And then, well, you raised the roof to get your point across! But did you get what you wanted? Nope. Nothing except attitude. Sound familiar?

Nothing you've tried gets the desired behavior change. Now what? There is a better way.

Parent-child v. adult-adult relating

Here's the problem: Even though the appropriate model for relating to a romantic partner is adult-to-adult, most of us, when frustrated, resort to parent-to-child relating. Parent-child, the first type of human interaction we learn, is so deeply ingrained that we automatically follow this template. If your partner is playing the parent, you behave like the child.

If your partner behaves like a rebellious adolescent, you act like a righteously indignant parent. And surely you've noticed - even if your cranky parent act brings compliance at the time, your spouse does not permanently change his or her ways. He or she makes only a temporary concession.

More often than not, the outcome of parent-child relating between adults is impasse. You are at an impasse when you hear yourself saying to your partner, "How many times do we have to go through this same thing? When are you going to get the message?"

When are you going to get the message?

If you are the one behaving like a parent, the message for you is obvious in your partner's unchanged behavior. What you are being told is this: You have no business telling me what to do. And since you are not, in fact, your spouse's parent, your spouse is correct.

If you are the one behaving like a child...well, everybody knows that's inappropriate.

In order to resolve an impasse, couples must follow a new template - constructive, adult-to-adult relating. Somebody has to go first. Might as well be you!

Parent-child example A:

YOU: How many times have I asked you to take out the trash before it's overflowing?

PARTNER: Only six times today! Get off my back.

YOU: Oh, real mature.

PARTNER: Can't you see I'm busy?

YOU: Busy? You're playing video games!

PARTNER: Take it out yourself, if it bothers you that much!

Adult-adult example A:

Say nothing about the overflowing trash. Take it out yourself, if it bothers you that much. Yes, really. See previous posts: Is Your Partner a Matrimonial Slacker? Disgruntled partners defend "honey-do" list.

Overflowing trash is just one example of the myriad minor annoyances that are best left unmentioned. Reminding a ten-year-old to do his chores or to close her mouth when she chews or to put his dirty clothes in the hamper is good parenting. Most adults do not take well to "parenting" by a spouse or by anyone including an actual parent.

Parent-childexample B:

PARTNER: I can't believe you spent 300 dollars on a purse!

YOU: It's not a purse!

PARTNER: It cost 300 dollars!

YOU: It's a messenger bag for my laptop.

PARTNER: Hello!! It cost 300 dollars.

YOU: How is that different than you spending 300 dollars on one pair of shoes?

Adult-adult example B:

PARTNER: I can't believe you spent 300 dollars on a purse!

YOU: Guaranteed to last a lifetime.

PARTNER: You'd better hope it lasts a lifetime.

End of conversation. The constructive adult response is to drop this conversation like a hot potato. Your partner is playing the righteously indignant parent - feeling justified in behaving badly because he or she thinks you behaved badly by spending 300 dollars. Don't get baited into taking the role of the rebellious adolescent. Any response you make to a provocative comment will only offer your partner another opportunity to behave badly. See previous post: The four keys to responding constructively and not gving in.

Of course, serious matters such as money, division of labor, sex, child-rearing, etc., merit discussion. Nothing constructive comes, however, from following a spouse's provocation into a parent-child interaction. If you want to have a successful conversation about a difficult topic, take the adult-adult approach.

Practice adult-adult relating

The next time your partner starts a destructive, parent-child interaction take the opportunity to interrupt this pattern by changing the way you respond. By responding constructively, you also offer your spouse a new option. With practice, any couple can transition from parent-child relating to adult-adult relating. First, practice managing emotional reactivity. See previous post: How to Train Your Dragon. Then practice choosing constructive responses.

PLEASE TAKE YOUR TIME TO READ MY SHORT TESTIMONY WHICH CAN BE USEFULL TO YOU OR A PERSON NEAR YOU

My name is sandy cole from australia i was married to a man called steve at first will both love each other but short time he started a new behavior which i cannot even explain to any one then i keep it to my self hoping one day he will change for good, no way he did not change. and latter he finnaly left me and our 2 kids to suffer in pain. i was in pains for 6 months not knowing what to do untill one weekend i was going through the internet and i saw different testimonies about a particular man called DR.KEBIRU AHMED and they droped his email at the end of their testimonies. I do not really believe in spiritual powers but i decided to give this man a trial. I contacted this man through his email: DR.KEBIRUAHMED_SPIRITUALTEMPLE@OUTLOOK.COM he just told me not to worry that he would help me and trully he did.. He worked for me and 48 hours latter my husband came back home appologising for ever treating me bad. And we both lived happily and my husband even loved me more than he ever did.. thanks to Dr kebiru ahmed he is really a great man.. I will continue to speak of his good works for me and my family.
Dr kebiru ahmed also told me that he can also solve any problem you are facing now or anyboby close to you.problems such as
(1) You want your ex back
(2) you want your your husband / wife to love you and you alone
(3) Childlessness
(4) Do you want to be promoted in your office
(5) Cure for any kind of disease... And many other problems
(6) youre a having any court case
(7)you want to be rich
Contact Dr kebiru ahmed today and you will be glad you did.. email him now on DR.KEBIRUAHMED_SPIRITUALTEMPLE@OUTLOOK.COM
THANKS FOR YOUR TIME....

Want to go even deeper ?
Gain an even Greater perspective and understanding of why your spouse behaves the way they do by having a Psychic Reading. However, you want to have a Psychic Reading with only genuine and authentic Psychics, that can support their Insights with real wisdom and knowledge of the spiritual fundamentals.

A Psychic Clairvoyant that can explain these fundamentals in a way that is understood even from a scientific perspective is neccessary.

Receive more than you expected with a dynamic and direct psychic reading by International Psychic Clairvoyant Astara. The genuine article in delivering Insight and understanding of the un-seen world and the seen world, not to mention the accuracy of her predictions. Her testimonials will speak for themselves.

this is so wrong it's laughable... when people live together they need to be able to communicate and come to some agreement if something one partner is doing is negatively affecting the other... if a partner refuses to do that, yeah it's childish and that doesn't mean the other person attempting to hash things out is acting like a parent

This was utter BS. So it's ok for one spouse to have to do it all and the other gets the ok to be a piece of shit? Just to avoid nagging F that. They need a parent because honestly their parents did a shit job and now you have to live with it. I say give 'me Hell! They don't want to be an adult well there is the fqing door. Do let people walk all over you and make you unhappy just so that you aren't labeled as a nag. F these people you all deserve better.