Tuesday, October 9, 2012

breathing is always the first step

I hate to be the bad guy in situations.

Yet, sometimes I know I have to in order to get my point across: that I love her. It is heart wrenching to see her gradually damage her body from starvation and for her anger to rise so strongly in those black eyes of hers. Her eyes are dull from the pain and guilt she holds onto so tightly. I want her to see that I care for her but I am torn between what the right steps to take and which are the wrong ones; the choices which will take her further from me--from us.

And I see my dad who is the most persevering person I know. His sighs are sounds I hear more frequently and it hurts me to see him in a state of defeat. His aged, rough hands have found a place on his worn down, wrinkled face; his hands go over his eyes, covering what does not want to be seen. His ache resonates in my heart and I'm overwhelmed by the confusion and frustration he feels. I know we're in this together because we have silently vowed to make things right together. But I feel like I am watching a silent movie, with every painful emotion exaggerated to the fullest extent. I keep replaying the same scene in my head and everytime it hurts a little more.

My mum looks so tired. She is the one who has suffered the longest. Her story can be read in her eyes too. Just as dull as my sister's and more tired than my dad's: she can tell you a tale of suffering. Her hair is streaked with grey and her back is hunched over as she has lost a lot of her strength to keep her posture erect. It is scary to see how quickly she has deteriorated these last five years. It is the unknown rate of deterioration which has me feeling terrified of the near future. Not my future but ours.

I don't really know where this leaves me. I am doing what I can and while I know I will make a few rash decisions (and regret a few immediately after), I also know I will make some good decisions. It is all an experience to teach me a lot. It is a difficult lesson to sit through but I want to learn as much as I can out of all of this. I will stay hopeful, humble and honest. But most of all, I am praying for a immeasurable amount of love to give. To both myself and everyone I meet.