Posts Tagged ‘life’

My co-workers and I have a perfectly professional relationship. I enjoy their comradery and they make my day brighter. I’m so fortunate to be able to spend so much of my day with each and every one of them.

I’m unable to complete my tasks for the year because I’m sub par at my job. I’m not good at reaching out for help. I work on a project and never get far enough through it before an interruption comes along. I then start all over. It’s been a bad cycle all year that I have no one to blame but myself. I should’ve stayed focused and reached out to my co-workers for help multiple times. I’ve had the opportunities. A bad review would make sense for me. I will push myself more going forward.

Also, on a completely unrelated note. I have decided to go back to school. It would be great to collect a paycheck and help these guys with on-call and other workloads while I do it. If legally that is too much of a liability then please consider this my 2 week notice.

Thank you,
Michelle
I didn’t really send this. Well, I didn’t send this yet. But that didn’t stop me from editing it and taking out sarcastic adjectives and making it PC as possible before signing it.

I do believe that I will be quitting a lot sooner than I expected. I definitely envisioned having a bigger safety net before jumping into it. I have some savings. I’m not above part time work til I’m out of school. My rent is cheap right now. I can get rid of a few monthly bills and decrease a few more. Sigh. I can trim the social calendar. This might be the push I truly need to just jump.

I’m thinking while I go to become a wellness coach training I can also get certified in personal training. And weightlifting training. I think I’d love to start a weightlifting class (or offer a special emphasis with private clients) for older beginning women that want to start lifting. Gah! That would be incredible!

Monday rolls around. I come to work. I’m researching my options. I’ve basically decided which program I’m going to do, but I’d be a fool for not reviewing other options that take less time and less money.

I’m looking at the difference between health coach, nutritionist, dietitians. I’m looking at personal training, crossfit certs. Looking at costs, and time, and careers. I’m all over the place. But I feel great about it. I signed up for so much junk mail BUT I DON’T CARE! Bring it on.

I get another message from my boss. He’s wants to meet again. “Okay. See you in a few.”

I’m sitting across from him and the mood is not the same as when I left his comforting words last Thursday. Turns out Friday morning he attended some sort of leadership training. Completely coincidental to our conversation.

He tells me that legally he can’t do nothing. He still has to keep his goals in mind to. He still has to worry about my career progression. And if these guys are the reason I’m not doing well, he can’t idly sit on this news. He names names, which I didn’t do last week. He narrows down all that he can. He is backing me into a corner. I’m feeling closed off and defensive.

He either needs me to write them up. Put some formal complaint on paper so he can pursue a course of action through the proper channels. Or he needs to me legally release him from fault by telling another director or manager everything and telling him with a witness that I want him to do nothing… then of course he has to treat me a little harsher in the review because I just suck at my job and there’s no real reason.

I only told him everything because we prefaced with the fact that he wouldn’t do anything. I NEVER would have told him these things if I thought it left him legally obligated. I just wouldn’t have. He even agrees with me that telling the guys would make it worse. He goes from caring to covering his ass, and I completely understand but i’m also heartbroken that it has come to this.

I ask him for the rest of the week to decide. And I walk away with very few words.

I do not know what to do. And the more this becomes real the more silly I feel. What am I formally complaining about? That someone cracked a joke about a purse, lipstick, and credit cards? That I get made fun of for the dumbest things. That I have to constantly defend my actions and choices? Nothing is worthy of a report. Nothing but the sheer volume of jokes that I have to deal with. I feel silly. I should’ve just fucking let it all go and got my shit done. I’m feeling completely at fault for everything. And now I’m backed into a corner.

It’s review time. Again. And I always get nervous about review time. I haven’t liked my job in a long time and it always shines through during this time. I am not a sub par individual. I’m an over-achiever, type-A-to-the-max, get-shit-done kind of person. But I really really have not been this person at work in a long time.

So I get a message from my boss last week. He wants to meet really quickly with me. He wants to ask about a few projects I haven’t completed. Whats the stumbling block. What is holding me back. He wants to help me complete this. He wants to give me a good review at the end of the year. He’s a good manager. He truly cares.

I want to tell him how unhappy I am. How unmotivating this whole environment is to me. I want to tell him that all my male co-workers are draining the life out of me with their “cutesy” comments and annoying jokes. I want to tell him that I’ve already decided to make my slow exit. Go to school for another job. But I can’t say most of this. It’s career suicide.

I should’ve just told him I’ve hit a wall in my projects. That I’ve come to a place that I don’t know what to do next. I should have said this. But instead….

I cry.

I fucking cry.

I hate this. I say I don’t want to talk about this. I’m not prepared to have this conversation. Why didn’t I just say I needed help before proceeding with the project? He tells me that if I don’t want to talk I don’t have to. I told him that I didn’t want to say because I didn’t want him to do thing about it. I can just picture him having a meeting with the guys and telling them to lay off. Yeah, that’ll work. That won’t make it weird at all. :-\

He tells me if I don’t want him to do anything about it, he won’t. And I’m feeling hopeful for the first time since the meeting started. So I wipe my eyes, clear my throat and tell him all the problems I’m having with the guys. I tell him that it’s almost silly to bring up because any one thing isn’t a big deal. So what, they made fun of the fact that I didn’t go to lunch with them because I brought my food… And they make up things that it is… tofu or tree bark… meanwhile I’m sitting here with shrimp and green beans… yeah that’s super duper weird. Heaven forbid anyone try to be healthy around here. 😐 anyway. Like I said, no one thing is worthy of writing up a report. But I work with 5 guys. Very closely. And it’s constant. It’s every day. All day. I’m annoyed. And tired of it. They don’t understand why I’ve been so quiet lately. They don’t get it. And I’ve snapped at them before. I’ve gotten verbally upset with them. I’ve put on my headphones mid conversation. I’ve never flat out ignored people before these guys. I’m not NOT letting them know how they make me feel. I’ve stopped being subtle awhile ago.

So yeah, I’m not motivated. And when I do come to a place in my work that I need help I take a few extra days before reaching out. I use to open up to these guys. I use to consider them friends. And honestly they are good guys. They think they are cute and having a good time. Picking on a little sister or maybe bad flirting. Idk. But I’m way over it. It’s not motivating. No. I’m not doing my job well. I hate it. I’m worn out.

I tell him all this. And he see’s my point of view perfectly. He’s apologetic. And he’s making me feel like I did a good thing by telling him. He says he understands that I don’t want to work here any more. (I didn’t tell him I had a plan to exit the company, just that I didn’t know what to do and didn’t want to work in corporate with men ever again.) He even told me to keep him updated on what I plan on doing. That he knows a lot of people. He can ask around at church for other options for me. HOW SWEET IS THAT!? He also says that he’d hate to lose me. That he’ll try to think of ways of getting around this. He knows and agrees with me that if he brought this up to the guys they would ostracize me. It would only make it worse. I try to portray that I want a relationship with them. I just NEED them to have boundaries. But I truly don’t see them understanding this. He agrees.

We end the meeting. No resolution. No plan. But understanding. I’m happier than I expected to unload on him.

I’ve been miserable at my job for years now. Basically ever since I’ve been divorced. Let’s not chit chat about coincidences, k? I’ve been slowly thinking about getting out of this work place for 3 years. I’ve been thinking about getting out of IT for the last year. And I’ve only just discovered the path I’d like to be on just in that past few months.

And even then, there’s a few options I’m hung up on.

Basically I’d like to work in the health and fitness community. I don’t necessarily think I want to be a trainer. I could do that. I love coaching, or at least I’ve loved the little experiences I’ve gotten with coaching. But I don’t think that anyone would want a 150 pound, very average looking girl as a trainer. Won’t they prefer someone with a body they envy? IDK. That’s my line of thinking.

But as I was researching other options… the options that focus more on the diet part of lifestyle changes. I found a program called “Become a health coach.” As I read through the descriptions I fell in love with the job.

This is a focus on habit change. This is facilitating sustainable life changes that lend toward a healthier lifestyle. I CAN DO THIS! Inspiring people is one of my favorite things. And if I do say so myself it’s a gift I have. I could be the accountability and mentor anyone needs to reach their goals. I won’t be a quick fix. I’m going to be the type of change for someone that when you look back 5 years you can’t believe how far you’ve come. Not because some sprint to a finish line, but these people won’t even recognize the person they were years ago because of all the positive changes they’ve made. Not necessarily in the mirror (but that too!), but in the kitchen, at the grocery store, and in their life. I WANT TO DO THIS!

I’d love to get this education then add on to it. Personal training. Crossfit certification. So many other certification that are diet related. For food allergies. For specific diets like paleo and vegetarian. I would love this.

Anyway… This has been on my mind for a bit. I feel like its perfect and I feel like it’s time.

So the original plan was to keep my job in this corporate IT world as I school… Perfect plan right? Make money while I learn to make money another way. Sure, I’ll be taking a pay cut. I’ll be starting over. It’ll be a journey for sure. Good, bad, and ugly…

When things are bad we can’t wait for them to end. I mean, duh. Who wants to be in a bad situation. It’s intuitive. Barely worth mentioning. Like, I’ve just wasted 10 seconds of your life.

This morning I was drinking an extra yummy cup of coffee. I don’t drink coffee much any more and so I drank it with extra appreciation. But something happened half way through the cup. I started getting sad that it was going to end so soon. It was A FANTASTIC CUP OF COFFEE. I loved EVERY SINGLE SIP. But here I was unable to fully enjoy this AMAZING cup of coffee because it was sooooo good I never wanted it to end.

Is it worth having something so good if halfway through it I swing as low as I was high from the coffee? It’s kind of a roller coaster, right, when we get something that’s too good? Like kids on Christmas morning crying after they open their last gift. What happened to the joy of opening the other gifts? Is it worth all the excitement and joy from opening SO MANY AMAZING GIFTS?

We humans are so weird. We fight contentment. In fact, being content is almost a bad word. Like, if we aren’t feeling some discord then we must not be working hard enough or life isn’t good enough. “No pain no gain.” Maybe those cliches are just so we don’t throw huge pity parties for ourselves… Or maybe those cliches simply exist so we can tell that to someone else throwing a pity party. I don’t know. Did I just change the subject? Oh yeah, here’s where I was going:

So we fight bad times and times of contentment, but then when we get something too good we mourn it prematurely… All things for a season right? If the bad times are a phase, so are the good times, right? But maybe that’t just another cliche… so we have words of comfort.

While me and my little brother were talking about life and love and happiness over a few beers he said a few things to me that got me thinking.

He told me I deserved so much more than what I was grasping for in life. He specifically meant my love life. He’s met my current guy and while he doesn’t disapprove he thinks that I can do better.

I deserve more.

I keep thinking about this lately.

And do I? Do I deserve more? Why? Why does anyone deserve anything? What is more? I can’t stop thinking about this. Frankly, I don’t agree with him. Not that I think that I don’t have enough now. I just don’t know that I agree that I’m 1) deserving of more or 2) in need of more. It’s one thing if I’m being treated badly or if I’m being ignored. But what is this more he speaks of? Am I missing something I don’t even realize? Should my self worth reflect what I have or what I *should* have?

I don’t have answers today. Just questions… hardly questions… just thoughts. I’ve always been good at not needing answers.