Do Men Like Women Who Take the Initiative?

Doc Love says... Can she come on too strong?

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"

Hi Doc,
I don't know whom else to ask, but I'd rather ask for a man's advice
than a woman's. If I asked a woman I'd only be setting myself up for the
"you made yourself look cheap, conniving, and deceitful.” So here it
goes.

I just graduated from college and finished my finals. There was this guy
in my class who I believed was very handsome in every way. He was
confident, attractive and funny. I had never spoken to him before, but I
realized it when I saw him speak in class. He sat all the way in the
back, and I like to sit in the front. So, knowing that we would have
never gotten a chance to speak, I went up to him during the 9th week of
class (we have class once a week) and asked him out.

I had never done that before, but I thought it would be an admirable
gesture. I know that guys almost never get asked out directly,
especially if a gorgeous woman initiates it. (I model bathing suits
part-time – not to brag.) I had been drooling over him for over 6 weeks.

When I asked him out he responded with a happy, "Yeah, sure!" And then
the nail biter, "Oh you know I have a girlfriend, but we can still hang
out! Do you care that I have one?" I said no because I don't care. I
just wanted to get to know him over a beer, not kidnap him.

We tried to get to know each other with the ten minutes we had.
Everything was left open-ended. I thought he'd call but he didn't. It's
been two months. Why, dear god, why? I can't stop obsessing over him. I
know I'm very pretty and intelligent. I have a great body and beautiful
face, and I came across as very sweet. He seemed enthused. What the hell
happened? I wouldn't care if he called me next month or the month after
that. That's fine with me. It was left so open-ended. I left him a
message on his voicemail four days after we talked, and he didn't return
my call. What do you think? Did I blow it by coming on too strong?
Jennifer – who wants to know what is going on

Hey Jennifer,
Wow. Your Interest level in this guy is so high that you’ll still be
delighted to go out with him if he calls two months from now. So much
for the protests I get from women who say that if a guy waits more than
a few days to call, then a woman loses interest in him.

Guys, I want you to read Jennifer’s letter more than once. This is a
stunning example of what lengths a beautiful woman, any woman, will go
to and how flexible she can be when her Interest Level is off the chart.
She hadn’t even ever talked to the guy, and she broke a lifelong pattern
of passivity. Beautiful women can afford to be as passive as they want.
She walked right up to her dreamboat and closed him on the spot. It’s
that kind of fearless, balls to the wall attitude that a lot of YOU GUYS
still need to adopt.

Jennifer, when you were direct, moving like a heat-seeking missile
honing in on its target, you did great. Any one of your sisters who
would have called your behavior cheap and conniving is way, way out of
touch. You knew what you wanted, and you went for it. “Good on ya “ as
they say in Australia. It’s certainly possible for a woman to take the
initiative to ask a guy out and still maintain her feminine grace. YOU
did it.

But Jennifer, he told you that he already had a girlfriend. You liked
him so much you were willing to lie and tell him that you didn’t care
that he had a girlfriend. But you did care. He was being nice and going
with the flow, but the Bottom Line Factor says: He didn’t call. He’s not
available for relationship, of any kind. You’ve got to stop with the
obsessing and let it go. That’s what smart guys learn to do. They learn
that they will be rejected more often than they’ll be accepted, so they
learn not to focus all their hopes on one potential partner.

You, Jennifer, just can’t believe that any man would turn you down
because no man ever has, up until now. But you gotta wake up sister. He
did turn you down. Accept it and move on. If you keep obsessing about
this guy, you’ll be in a chronic state of distraction and likely to
overlook your soul mate when he crosses your path.

I do want to encourage you to not be discouraged from ever taking the
initiative again. Don’t wind up like one of those girls who get rejected
once and then say, “Oh, I asked a guy out once but I’ll never do that
again. Men don’t like it when women take the initiative.”

Your classmate didn’t turn you down because men don’t like it when women
are direct. The reason he didn’t call you wasn’t because you came on too
strong. He didn’t call you because his interests lie elsewhere, period.