115-Year-Old Woman Says Staying Single Has Kept Her Alive

Since the dawn of time, scientists and lonely, rich housewives alike have searched for the secrets to longevity. On the one hand, scientists point to things like exercise, eating right, and having a purpose in life. On the other hand, housewives point to other wellness necessities, such as Botox, bird poop facials, and chard on chard on chard. So who’s to say what works and what doesn’t?

Well, I’ll tell you one person who can. Her name is Emma Morano, and at 115 years old, she’s the fifth oldest person in the entire world. And what does she credit her longevity to? Two words: STAYING. SINGLE.

Morano, who was born in and still lives in Italy, is “convinced” that her everlasting singlehood is more a beneficial blessing than a crippling curse. After separating from her husband in 1938 after the death of their infant son, she made the conscious decision to remain man-less for the rest of her living days. In an interview with the New York Times, she said she had plenty of suitors after that, but never chose another partner. “I didn’t want to be dominated by anyone,” she said.

So while you “taken” ladies are off having mediocre S&M-ish sex with your boyfriends after watching “Fifty Shades of Grey,” I’m going to start embracing my loneliness rather than crying into queso over it.

Because according to this: singlehood = life, and relationships = death. #science .

Email this to a friend

(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to drunkbutnotinlove@gmail.com