Review: I Love You, Beth Cooper

Full disclosure: I think Chris Columbus is a wonderful mainstream
filmmaker. Perhaps not the most dignified director in the business,
but his blockbuster instincts are sharp and his r�sum� contains some
of Hollywood�s most beloved features. Granted, Columbus took a hit
with the underrated Broadway adaptation "Rent" four years ago, but who
could�ve expected that risky change of pace would lead him to "I Love
You, Beth Cooper," (IMDb listing) by far the most repellent film Columbus has ever
been associated with, not to mention a shoo-in for multiple 2009
worst-of lists. Perhaps Columbus was involved in a hideous car
accident recently that left him partially brain damaged, or maybe
tragic senility is creeping up on the 51-year-old filmmaker. I simply
refuse to believe Columbus willingly created something as monstrously
unfunny and schizophrenic as "Cooper."

Yes, it�s worse than "Bicentennial Man."

At his graduation ceremony, Denis Cooverman (Paul Rust, 28 years old
and looking every minute of it) is looking to make a splash and make
up for all the mediocrity of his life. During his valedictorian
speech, Denis proclaims his adoration for cheerleader/universal object
of high school lust, Beth Cooper (Hayden Panettiere). Fearing total
embarrassment, Denis instead finds Beth intrigued by his geeky ways,
agreeing to show up at his graduation party. Instead of small talk and
drinks, Beth arrives at Denis�s house with her two friends (Lauren
London and Lauren Storm) and a hunger for troublemaking, taking Denis
and best pal Rich (Jack Carpenter) on an all-night binge of parties,
mischief, and soulful confession. While delighted with the attention,
Denis and Rich also have to contend with angry boyfriends, public
humiliations, and their own virginal mentality along the way.

Adapted by screenwriter Larry Doyle from his own novel, "I Love You,
Beth Cooper" feels like a bad dream from the opening credits. I�ve
seen my share of ghastly comedies in my lifetime, but it�s positively
bizarre to watch "Cooper" immediately bomb, especially under
Columbus�s watch. The tone here is one of farce, following awkward
nerd Denis as he�s confronted with his long-gestating dream of
snuggling up to his diminutive blonde oasis. However, Columbus isn�t
creating a strict comedy here, but a coming-of-age tale that somehow
hopes to broadly blast laughs around while building an aura of
emotional investment with these characters. Columbus must be insane to
expect any sympathetic response to this garbage, and Doyle should be
physically restrained from his keyboard if this is the sort of
adaptation quality he can muster.

The problems add up quickly here: Rust (looking and sounding like the
love child of Pee-Wee Herman and Eddie Deezen) plays the love stuck
teen role with an crushing shrillness, as though he�s trying to
channel the spirits of silent cinema but failing with every last
furrowed eyebrow and eye bulge; the Rich character is imagined as a
loudmouth film buff (who quotes directors and release years -- ick)
with sitcom-level homophobia issues threaded throughout the picture;
"Cooper" is intended to be a live wire, featherweight teen comedy, yet
grounds itself with uncomfortable cocaine and sex jokes that seem more
suited to an R-rated romp than the PG-13 buffet offered here; the
feature relies on "Family Guy" style cutaways to depict previous
character humiliations; and the picture sends Denis through the "Home
Alone" slapstick spanking machine where he�s hit by speeding cars,
flung off roofs, and pounded by bullies.

The animated nature of "Cooper" wouldn�t register quite so harshly had
the material settled on a laughs-only policy. Columbus and Doyle
aren�t brave enough for that, instead demanding the audience care for
these clowns and their formulaic problems. Only a demented filmmaker
could follow-up a broad raccoon rampage scene centered on Beth and
Denis with a sobering discussion of Beth�s deceased brother, but
that�s indicative of Columbus�s wheezing desire to stage aggressively
unfunny comedic chaos and retain a useless ambiance of post-adolescent
reality. The filmmakers look to humanize Beth to provide dramatic
shape for the feature (cue orchestral swells and empathetic acoustical
strumming), but the effort is hilariously transparent and ineffective,
coming across as sheer stupidity by the end of the film, where Beth
tearfully shares her fears for life after high school. Keep in mind
this is the same picture that has Rich stepping ankle deep in a cow
pie, Denis threatening a bully with a plastic lightsaber, and actor
Samm Levine breaking the fourth wall during his cameo as a hard-ass
convenience store employee. What�s this about Beth�s broken heart
again?

Perhaps "I Love You, Beth Cooper" was better off as a book, where
Doyle was permitted to craft his farcical intent with some room to
breathe. Columbus doesn�t make the necessary effort to capture
whatever it was that pushed the novel to the big screen, instead
mangling both the laughs and heart in a depressingly uncharacteristic
fashion. I will never be able to hate the man who gave the world
"Gremlins," "Adventures in Babysitting," and "The Goonies," but "I
Love You, Beth Cooper" is a great reason to start trying.

Full disclosure: I think Chris Columbus is a wonderful mainstream\nfilmmaker. Perhaps not the most dignified director in the business,\nbut his blockbuster instincts are sharp and his r�sum� contains some\nof Hollywood�s most beloved features. Granted, Columbus took a hit\nwith the underrated Broadway adaptation \"Rent\" four years ago, but who\ncould�ve expected that risky change of pace would lead him to \"I Love\nYou, Beth Cooper,\" (IMDb listing) by far the most repellent film Columbus has ever\nbeen associated with, not to mention a shoo-in for multiple 2009\nworst-of lists. Perhaps Columbus was involved in a hideous car\naccident recently that left him partially brain damaged, or maybe\ntragic senility is creeping up on the 51-year-old filmmaker. I simply\nrefuse to believe Columbus willingly created something as monstrously\nunfunny and schizophrenic as \"Cooper.\"\n

\n\n

\nYes, it�s worse than \"Bicentennial Man.\"\n\n

\n\nAt his graduation ceremony, Denis Cooverman (Paul Rust, 28 years old\nand looking every minute of it) is looking to make a splash and make\nup for all the mediocrity of his life. During his valedictorian\nspeech, Denis proclaims his adoration for cheerleader/universal object\nof high school lust, Beth Cooper (Hayden Panettiere). Fearing total\nembarrassment, Denis instead finds Beth intrigued by his geeky ways,\nagreeing to show up at his graduation party. Instead of small talk and\ndrinks, Beth arrives at Denis�s house with her two friends (Lauren\nLondon and Lauren Storm) and a hunger for troublemaking, taking Denis\nand best pal Rich (Jack Carpenter) on an all-night binge of parties,\nmischief, and soulful confession. While delighted with the attention,\nDenis and Rich also have to contend with angry boyfriends, public\nhumiliations, and their own virginal mentality along the way.\n\n

\n\nAdapted by screenwriter Larry Doyle from his own novel, \"I Love You,\nBeth Cooper\" feels like a bad dream from the opening credits. I�ve\nseen my share of ghastly comedies in my lifetime, but it�s positively\nbizarre to watch \"Cooper\" immediately bomb, especially under\nColumbus�s watch. The tone here is one of farce, following awkward\nnerd Denis as he�s confronted with his long-gestating dream of\nsnuggling up to his diminutive blonde oasis. However, Columbus isn�t\ncreating a strict comedy here, but a coming-of-age tale that somehow\nhopes to broadly blast laughs around while building an aura of\nemotional investment with these characters. Columbus must be insane to\nexpect any sympathetic response to this garbage, and Doyle should be\nphysically restrained from his keyboard if this is the sort of\nadaptation quality he can muster.\n\n

\n\nThe problems add up quickly here: Rust (looking and sounding like the\nlove child of Pee-Wee Herman and Eddie Deezen) plays the love stuck\nteen role with an crushing shrillness, as though he�s trying to\nchannel the spirits of silent cinema but failing with every last\nfurrowed eyebrow and eye bulge; the Rich character is imagined as a\nloudmouth film buff (who quotes directors and release years -- ick)\nwith sitcom-level homophobia issues threaded throughout the picture;\n\"Cooper\" is intended to be a live wire, featherweight teen comedy, yet\ngrounds itself with uncomfortable cocaine and sex jokes that seem more\nsuited to an R-rated romp than the PG-13 buffet offered here; the\nfeature relies on \"Family Guy\" style cutaways to depict previous\ncharacter humiliations; and the picture sends Denis through the \"Home\nAlone\" slapstick spanking machine where he�s hit by speeding cars,\nflung off roofs, and pounded by bullies.\n\n

\n\nThe animated nature of \"Cooper\" wouldn�t register quite so harshly had\nthe material settled on a laughs-only policy. Columbus and Doyle\naren�t brave enough for that, instead demanding the audience care for\nthese clowns and their formulaic problems. Only a demented filmmaker\ncould follow-up a broad raccoon rampage scene centered on Beth and\nDenis with a sobering discussion of Beth�s deceased brother, but\nthat�s indicative of Columbus�s wheezing desire to stage aggressively\nunfunny comedic chaos and retain a useless ambiance of post-adolescent\nreality. The filmmakers look to humanize Beth to provide dramatic\nshape for the feature (cue orchestral swells and empathetic acoustical\nstrumming), but the effort is hilariously transparent and ineffective,\ncoming across as sheer stupidity by the end of the film, where Beth\ntearfully shares her fears for life after high school. Keep in mind\nthis is the same picture that has Rich stepping ankle deep in a cow\npie, Denis threatening a bully with a plastic lightsaber, and actor\nSamm Levine breaking the fourth wall during his cameo as a hard-ass\nconvenience store employee. What�s this about Beth�s broken heart\nagain?\n\n

\n\nPerhaps \"I Love You, Beth Cooper\" was better off as a book, where\nDoyle was permitted to craft his farcical intent with some room to\nbreathe. Columbus doesn�t make the necessary effort to capture\nwhatever it was that pushed the novel to the big screen, instead\nmangling both the laughs and heart in a depressingly uncharacteristic\nfashion. I will never be able to hate the man who gave the world\n\"Gremlins,\" \"Adventures in Babysitting,\" and \"The Goonies,\" but \"I\nLove You, Beth Cooper\" is a great reason to start trying.