Wednesday, June 29, 2011

so about that manscaping...

I expect that most readers of this blog are probably privy to the Urban Dictionary definition of just about everything (although I'm personally still struggling to figure out the correct definition of an Alabama crab dangle...), which means I'm sure you're all convinced from the title that I'm about to bloviate on a man's nether-regional body hair. Well, I'm not. (I'm sorry or you're welcome, depending on how much of a pervert you are.) What I am gonna do, however, is point out one woman's entirely inappropriate use of the term "manscaping," a term she used while giving image advice to new interns on the local news. Fast forward to about the four-minute mark to see what I'm talking about, and don't worry: contrary to all legitimate definitions of what "manscaping" means, this clip is safe for work.

So, yeah. I think the correct term she's looking for is "shaving." Although not as new-fashioned as the puntastical "manscaping," at least recommending an intern shave doesn't make me want to alert Chris Hansen. Just sayin'...

On the other hand, considering the recent endeavors of one high-profile former-Hill employee, perhaps definitional manscaping advice should be taken into account. I mean, from one woman's perspective, if I were to ever receive a dick pic (although please don't...), I'd certainly rather it be a dick glamour shot than, say, something closer to a fluorescently lit Walgreens passport photo of your unquaffed uncoiffed sh*t. Of course, best case scenario is that I wouldn't see that sh*t at all (quaffed coiffed or unquaffed uncoiffed) because IT'S A PICTURE OF YOUR PENIS ON MY PHONE. Indeed, in a perfect world, manscaping would not be practical image advice to dole out to Hill employees, but I guess since we live in a newly erected post-Weiner world (ha!)...

But seriously, back to the interns -- it's simple. Don't dress like a teenage asshole. Of course the counterpoint is don't go the other direction and dress like a septuagenarian asshole, which means if you're doing most of your business-attire shopping (or most of your shopping, period) from the Delia's catalog or the Alfred Dunner section of Macy's, you're doing it wrong.

Other things to avoid: anything else that makes you look like you were drunk when you picked out your ensemble. For instance, as the manscaping enthusiast above points out, avoid Uggs (IT'S SUMMER and also, THEY'RE UGGS!), trade the bacteria-covered flip-flops in for a grown-up pair of shoes, making sure to take care that the shoes you trade them in for aren't the same pair you're planning to wear to your zumba workout at the gym later, and finally look in a full-length mirror after you're dressed and ask yourself, "Do I look like Ugly Betty?" If the answer is yes, then 1) congratulate yourself for fooling whoever hired you into thinking you were mentally capable enough to hold down a job/internship, despite that you're apparently not intelligent enough to dress yourself unlike an overgrown toddler; and 2) come punch me in the face because I lost. It's like I'm in a cave stuck with endless unmanscaped Gary Buseys...

BUT, in my defense, unlike the manscape/shave debacle, at least the word coif and this new word "quaf," accepting my spelling and your definition, do sound the same when read aloud, which is how I tend to proofread since I try to write the same way I'd talk. Obviously my method has it's qinks. Kinks. Dammit...

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The Anti DC thrives on satire, offering daily humor essays and videos that turn local politics into pop culture and pop culture into whine. Basically, we're like some sorta f*cked up Jesus over here. Deal with it.