Male Friendship

Why Having No Close Friends Will Kill You

Intimacy vs. isolation

As the industrial revolution enabled more leisure time, men began to prioritize having more fun and friends in their life. But instead of basing friendships on stronger emotional bonds, male friendships were cemented around shared activities like bowling, golf or poker, activities that don’t necessitate intimacy. In research conducted by my company, Audience Theory, we discovered men in their 40s can play a regular poker game every Sunday afternoon for years and not be able to share one intimate detail about the other players.

This style of male friendship set the standard for the generations to follow. Boys model themselves after their fathers and so we have generations of men today who practice friendship just as their dads did. When boys are young, they prioritize best friends just like girls do, but as boys age, they lose sight of the value of sharing emotional bonds with other guys.

Hollywood’s caught on to this gap in the male friendship world. There are tons of movies that connect in part because they show a style of adult male friendship that’s super rare. But why should it be? In today’s modern society, where the pursuit of happiness is taking precedence, having a true buddy to take on the world with isn’t just fun and good for your health; it’s the latest trend.

Develop meaningful friendships

Prioritize friendship: That means calling your true buddy more than once a year and not spending that entire time on poop anecdotes (or maybe it’s just my husband that does this). A landmark UCLA study conducted in 2009 found only those committed to tending intimacy in friendships on a regular basis gained the long-term health benefits of close-knit ties.

Know the difference between “poker” buddies and true buddies: Poker buddies are fun, but they’re not going to lower your cholesterol level. Several studies conducted in three decades around male vs. female differences found that women’s friendships cover the spectrum of emotional needs. So women have their poker buddies, too, but not at the expense of other types of more intimate friendships.

Don’t count on your female partner to fulfill all your emotional needs: Multiple studies found that many men in marriage do an intriguing thing: They promote their wives to the role of sole confidant. It may sound counterintuitive, but psychologists consistently report that marriages are actually stronger when men have other men to turn to for advice and comfort.