“I mean, you never hear Jon Snow referring to the so-called Saudi regime or the pretendy Iranian president. I’ve never seen air quotes around the Taliban’s name. We might have to start addressing our videos to the self-proclaimed ‘journalists’ at Channel 4 News, in the nominal United ‘Kingdom’.”

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Former children’s entertainer Bungle the Bear today released a statement advising that he is not, and has never been, the deputy leader of UKIP.

The large bear, who starred in popular TV show Rainbow between 1972 and 1992, spoke out after rumours appeared online that he is now employed as MEP for North West England, serving as Nigel Farage’s second in command.

“I think this is probably the funniest thing I’ve ever read about myself on the internet. I’m all for it.”, Bungle told an ITV journalist this morning.

But the he soon poured cold water over the rumours, saying:

“Considering I’d been working on Rainbow for three years before the actual UKIP guy was born, it makes it very difficult indeed for this to be true.”

“But I do find it really funny that people are making things like this up.”

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In this, the first in a series of articles exploring the post-referendum settlement, we meet several ordinary Scots who breathed a sigh of relief on the morning of September 19th.

Margaret, 55, from Glasgow East

Margaret from Glasgow East

Margaret had worked in Edinburgh for years, before deciding in 2010 to apply for a new job in London.

“I was really scared that all the time I’d put into my career was going to count for nothing”, she explained. “I finally secured myself a huge pension and a cosy retirement down here where it matters, after slogging away for years in the regional office. It’s all well and good saying the poor and the needy would have been better off, but I have to think about my own career.”

Jim, 47, from East Renfrewshire

Jim from Renfrewshire

Jim worked for the National Union of Students in the 1990s, before taking up a job in London in 1997.

“Hopefully my work over the last few months will stand me in good stead for another promotion soon enough.”

Gordon, 63, from Kirkaldy

Gordon from Kirkaldy

Gordon worked in London from 1983 until his semi-retirement in 2010.

“I basically stopped showing up for my day job in 2010”, Gordon told us, “so now I spend time giving after-dinner speeches. I’ve made over a million pounds on the side this way, so obviously I don’t want my stature to be diminished by a silly idea like Alex Salmond’s.”

In our next article, we’ll meet some of the less well-off Scots, whom the referendum result has condemned to a future of food banks, illegal wars and marginalisation…

Darth Vader, the Galactic Empire’s Defence Minister, today warned Ewoks that removing the controversial Death Star from their homeworld of Endor would result in the loss of thousands of jobs.

“The Rebel threat has not gone away”, warned Lord Vader in his regular Daily Mail column, “In terms of uncertainty and potential risk it has, if anything, increased. What’s more, moving the Death Star to another location would come at the cost of thousands of jobs, which would be devastating to the local economy”.

Senior members of the Better Together campaign were forced to mumble awkwardly as Satan, Prince of the Underworld, yesterday pledged his support for the campaign. Satan has joined a growing list of shady, undesirable characters who have publicly confessed to unionism in recent weeks. “I suppose I had a bit of an epiphany”, explained Satan in his regular Daily Mail column. “But when I saw some of the others who want Scotland to stay in the UK my mind was quickly made up.” “Obviously my colleagues Mr Osborne and Mr Cameron are very much in favour of the union, but I was pleasantly surprised to hear that my good friend Mr Farage has thrown his oar in as well.” “As if those three weren’t enough, I noticed that the Orange Order are also staunch unionists. I did a bit of Googling and discovered that the BNP and the EDL are all for keeping the Scots in line as well.” “Looking at some of Better Together’s donors was quite telling. Any movement that shares supporters with Arkan and Saddam Hussein is good enough for me.”