In a surprising announcement released moments after waking up, still in his slacks, on the morning of Black Friday, Sophomore Jerry Langdon declared to his friends and family that he was “never eating turkey again”.

“The night began so innocuously,” said Langdon, “At first I just had some of those mini hot dogs and a serving of spinach dip. I thought I was being so careful; I even waited a full hour for it to burn off.”

Unfortunately, though, this was not enough to prevent disaster.

“I started with dark meat, and then a hefty portion of white meat. The white meat went down so smooth that I didn’t even need to chase it with stuffing. But what really got me was the turkey pot pie. I swear, you couldn’t even taste the turkey in it.”

Langdon’s memory is shaky after this, but according to his mother, Jerry followed up the pot pie with a full leg and was then so full that he puked and passed out on the couch.

“I told him not to have the leg,” said his mother, Lenore, “but he just mumbled something about having a higher tolerance than he had in his freshman year and dug in.”

When asked for an opinion on Jerry’s declaration, his brother Alan said, “Oh please. Jerry said the same thing last year, and the year before that. I bet he’ll even have leftover turkey for lunch tomorrow.”