My diary - one day at a time

So that’s it, I feel like I have hit rock bottom - my gambling is out of control, and those around me are suffering. It’s time to take action & stop now, before I fall down the rabbit hole.

My debt is serviceable, my bills are all paid, i’m not behind on anything, but, i’m Not living the life I want. I must spend £1k a month on this horrible habit ... money that could go on things for the house, or things for my daughter.

my goal is to get through 1 day, just 1 day, then another & then another.

I feel ashamed, embarrassed, weak, and stressed - I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

Only half a day in, and I’m fighting the urge. Sat at work, on a break, and I want to deposit ... just to see if I can win back the money I lost yesterday.. it’s lunacy. The rational part of my brain is telling me not to do it, but the irrational bit is almost out of control with it. I can’t try to win the losses back anyway, as I have excluded from that site... and what’s the point? Even when I win, I just spend it trying to win more ...

Delighted to have made it through Day 1 without gambling. It was really tempting at times, but I came on here and read other users stories, and that gave me enough to keep going. I think I need to make a note of the times when I am most tempted, and see if there is any kind of common thread. I know that there are hard times to come, but every day counts

Forgot to write this last night ... I was so tired I just fell asleep.

Managed to negotiate yesterday successfully ... I hairdos thought about gambling at all, I think mainly because I was so busy . I did lots of housework before setting off for work (a time that I would normally be on the slots). Had a busy work day, and went to a training session at lunch (again a danger time); then it was straight from Work to a parents evening. I didn’ Have the time to think about gambling.

Just got the courage up to look at my bank account ... horrible, but I feel better for doing it. I have spent £750 over the past 10 days, on online slots - feels so shameful. My bills are all paid, which is good ... but no money for anything extra, it will be another month of scrimping around. I am paid £56k a year, but this habit has left me broke. The next 12 months are all about sorting my finances out, I want next christmas to be fabulous, and that’s only happening if I stop the gambling

Today I had these massive urges to get back onto the online slots ... was thinking to myself that I could win this time & pay of my debts. Honestly I was almost shaking... then I thought of the forum & all the stories I have read, and I didn’t do it. I took the advice & found something to keep me busy until the urges passed.

I did a bit of browsing on the internet for Christmas Presents. Oddly enough my husband said I seemed distracted this evening .. maybr because I was trying to keep busy. Sometimes I think he suspects what’s been going on.

So mad with myself ... Friday Night, bit bored ... ended up back online. Not a huge amount spent, and I’ve stopped rather than constantly reloading, but still annoyed. It scares me slightly as well, as I found the urges overwhelming. Back to the start tomorrow

Odd how those instrusive thoughts just flash up ... ignoring them, just makes me realise how much time I was wasting with slots. Just done my Tesco Christmas order, which I will be able to afford, with no worries, as I’m not going to gamble any more money away

Keep going Horall, it does get easier with each passing day.
I went for quite a while not breaking the triangle which muststop123 talks about above. It was time wasted and yet more money lost. Breaking the triangle helps to take away the temptation therefore making stopping easier.
With the amount of spare cash you have a month you should be able to do lots of fab things. Why not plan a few things in your head for 2018? That would give you something to look forward to and you'd feel you're getting something for your money, rather than just giving it to someone else to benefit from all your hard work.
You can do this! x

2 days GF, and feeling good ... some slight temptations, but, i’ve downloaded loads of “time waster” games to my iPad, so instead of playing I spend 5 minutes matching tiles in Majong, or colours in another game ... and by the time I have done, th3 craving has last. Fingers crossed for another good day

3 days GF, and still feeling fine. The slots still pop into my head on a regular basis, but when thr6 do I just go onto my iPad & match some tiles, or do a couple of word searches ... keeping my mind active until the urge passes. Woke up in the night worrying about money, I can afford to service my debt, but want to pay it down, so in the new year l’ll need to work out a plan. So annoyed to have got my self into this position, as others say .. the money has gone, no point thinking about getting it back

So... after a number of false starts, and 3 awful days, I finally realised I can’t do it on my own, and, too the big step last night of telling my husband what’s been happening. I was so scared, but he couldn’t have been more amazing & supportive - I was bowled over. He did say he couldn’t believe such an intelligent woman could be so stupid, as not look at the odds ... but there was shouting, no name calling, no angry ... just a lovley hug, and a promise to help. I’ve not told him how much I owe, just that it will take me 12 months to sort myself out - he knows what he needs to know; we aren’t behind on anything, there are no lay day loans, no defaults, nothing like that. He has my credit card, and will soon be getting my debit card - the only access to money I will have is via our joint billing account, which I will transfer my “spending money” into every week, and he can see what it goes on. I have worked out the numbers, and, if I stick to it I can have £1k (ish) of income left, to pay off debts.

I have never felt less like gambling in my life, I feel sick at the prospect.

All the other forum members were right about telling a partner, even if it was hard to do. I still feel deeply ashamed, but better armed in my struggle.

First full day GF, since telling my husband ... I have to admit, one of the main things that kept me away today was the thought that I would be letting him down, and, the knowledge that I would have to lie to him if I slipped. It makes such a difference when you are accountable to someone else, it’s harder to break that promise. We have started a rather large jigsaw as well, that I can go to if I feel bored, and am tempted in.

Day 2 nearly done ... been really busy today. Spent some time with a famous person today, known for his work in the mental health arena, had a great chat with him (as I think my compulsive behaviour is linked to my depression). Not sure why I felt comfortable telling him about what was going on, as i’ve not told my closest friends, but, he related some of the compulsive & destructive behaviour that he engages in, when he isn’t well.

Had a little gambling itch when I got in, but just carried on with the jigsaw, and after half an hour had passed, so had the urges.

Day 3 done .. and still feeling good. Don’t get me wrong, I am still thinking of the slots, but, not playing ... I just do something else until the urges pass ....

i never noticed how many gambling sites were advertised on the telly until now .... I feel kinda embarrassed when i’m sat here with my husband, and the slot adverts are on - I think he glances over to see what I am doing on the iPad, but i’m only on here

Day 4 done ... big challenges today, I was in the house on my own today and that has been a trigger, as has Friday night, but got through them both. Still using the darn jigsaw as a distraction ... it’s really hard, which is a good thing.

Day 5 successfully navigated. Must admit it’s been a hard day, really felt tempted at times, but just distracted myself. Finally worked out his much I owe .. it’s a horrible number, but do-able. If I only make minimum payments, it would take 4 years ... but I intend to make much higher payments. The thought crossed my mind about trying to win the money to help clear my debt ... hoe ridiculous.

A massive help to me was putting the blocks into place. I then knew i couldn't gamble even if i tried and the gambling thoughts were lessened. Still sounds like you have the option to gamble open when you talk about just trying to distract yourself to stop you? This could easily go wrong even with the best intentions. I would suggest getting blocking software for your devices to help you through this!

Day 6 done .... massive urges today, I think it’s just because it’s Sunday, and I always used to play slots on a Sunday. Turns out my financial restrictions have worked well ! I can’t gamble from my current account as all that is accounted for - normally I would have spent it, then used my credit card, or gambled on my credit card ... but gave the credit card to my husband, so no can do. I tried to see if I could get my credit card number from anywhere, but can’t. I even considered taking it from my husbands wallet, but he had it on him (i’m going to tell him to put it somewhere I don’t know). I probably could have found a way if I wanted, but, I just rode it out, read the forum, and read a bit of Allen Carr. Delighted to have go through unscathed ...

I’m not sure if most people know this, but I’ll mention it anyway. Instead of paying for blocking software online, you can contact your bank and ask them to put a mask on your card. It’s free. What it does is it blocks your card from being used for all online transactions and you’ll only be able to use your card at a cash machine. Just a thought.

Still GF, and hubby has control of the finances. I’ve not been here as I found all the “counting of days” etc, to be a bit triggering, so just decided to stay away. No idea how many days i’ve done, I can just say “weeks & weeks”

Mentally I feel so much better, I hadn’t realised how effected the whole of my life had become .. I was constantky on-edge, or angry; I felt weak & out of control; and money just loomed over me the whole time. Not gambling feels so freeing - I still hav3va debt to pay off, but i’ll Just have to pay it off ... there is no “big win” coming along to pay it off (there never was).

I feel embarrassed when gambling site adverts come on the television, i’m not sure hubby understands 100% , and I can’t believe I fell for thier lies .... I just pretend they are not on.

So this year is all about clearing the debt, it will take time, but ever week it gets smaller not bigger. I do still think about the slots, but then I remember how miserable they make me, and I go and do something that makes me happy instead

I wonder when those intrusive thoughts will stop? The ones that try to tempt me back to the slots ? I’m not acting on them, i’m enjoying feeling normal.

It’s nice not too have got to this point in the month & be panicking about paying my bills, I know exactly how much is in my account, and check every day. I am about £400 better off at this point in the month, and haven’t used my credit cards at all. I just need to keep thinking about how the debt is getting smaller, it will take time, but it will go.