The Right to Be Asian

I am being discriminated against, and this injustice, this offense against human rights, must be remedied. A long-festering, unfair, narrow-minded prejudice is denying me equality with people born in Asia or of Asian descent.There are so many good things to say about Asian people. Just to name a few, Asians are well-respected and smart, often achieving top-tier scores on standardized tests. Asians do well economically, frequently being top-quartile earners. Asians typically have rewarding jobs, many times as scientists and in other respected medical and technology positions. And Asians are healthy, often having longer lifespans.

Many Asians are also mathematically adept. As for me, I'm also good at math and was born that way. It is so unfair to have this natural mathematical orientation and not be Asian. To tell you the truth, this makes me crazy. Why should I be deprived of all the other good things Asians have?

In this evolved day and age, it is obviously wrong that only inhabitants of Asia or those of Asian descent have the opportunity to be Asian. In the name of equality, this should be corrected. Being Asian is a basic civil right, and "it's also the Golden Rule, you know, treat others the way you would want to be treated."

This, my lifelong frustration, seemed intractable until an unexpected solution materialized. Thanks be to Barack. It turns out that all of the reasons for legalizing gay marriage -- offered recently by our inclusive President, his Department of Justice, and other gay marriage advocates -- are applicable to the fulfillment of my quest and the remedy of my frustration. Consider:

It is no one else's business if two men or two women want to get married and receive the benefits of marriage. Likewise, it is no one else's business if I want to be Asian and receive the benefits of being Asian.

Legalizing gay marriage will not harm heterosexual marriages or family values. Similarly, my being Asian will in no way harm any other Asian or Asian values.

Gay couples are reportedly stable. Therefore, gay marriage is good for children and families. Likewise, I've never been divorced, and Asians have low divorce rates, making my being Asian very good for my family. Not only that, but my wife can become a tiger mom. Our kids will do great in school, and since Asians are very caring about their extended families, my parents and siblings will also benefit.

There is no such thing as traditional marriage, given the modern and ancient examples of polygamy and communal child-rearing. As well, there is really no such thing as a traditional Asian, given that the original settlement of Asia occurred as a result of the migration of Denisovans, Africans, and Aboriginal Australians.

Material benefits and social support resulting from marriage can increase wealth and improve psychological well-being for those married. As was mentioned earlier, Asians also benefit from greater wealth and improved well-being. The state should not deny me this wealth or well-being.

Prohibiting gay marriage creates an irrational classification on the basis of sexual orientation. Likewise, preventing one from being Asian creates an irrational classification on the basis of race. Any suggestion of my Asian unsuitability is a suggestion that races are unequal. Prohibition of being Asian is a violation of the equal protection clause because it discriminates on the basis of race.

Prohibition of gay marriage is a violation of the due process clause because it burdens a vital personal right to the orderly pursuit of happiness. I will not be happy until I am Asian, thus my due process rights are being violated.

Marriage is a personal choice to live together, to remain committed to one another, and to form a household based on one's feelings about one another. Likewise, being Asian is a personal choice to pursue Asian things, based upon my feelings about being Asian.

Denying same-sex couples the right to marry stigmatizes gay and lesbian families as inferior. It hurts, but people often assume I have an average job; make so-so money; and, worst of all, have poor math skills. This bigotry will assuredly continue unless and until I am Asian.

Anthropological research supports the conclusion that a vast array of family types, including families built upon same-sex partnerships, can contribute to stable and humane societies. The same applies here -- my being Asian will diversify my home and workplace, adding stability.

Married individuals live longer, on average, than unmarried individuals. As already mentioned, Asians live longer than non-Asians. The state may not arbitrarily cut my life short.

Individuals do not choose sexual orientation. Individuals do not choose innate math skills.

Recent research suggests that refusing to allow same-sex couples to marry results in harmful psychological effects. Being non-Asian is making me crazy.

Activists point out that the movement of marriage away from state-mandated gender roles reflects an evolution. Likewise, the movement of being Asian away from state-recognized racial classifications would reflect a similar evolution. As President Obama says, "[w]e have never gone wrong when we expanded rights and responsibilities to everybody." The right to be Asian is certainly no exception.

Now that the president has dropped his whole "words matter" foolishness, so many problems can be solved. The poor can be rich, the lax can be observant, abortion can be health care, profligate spending can be fiscal restraint, the president can be Kenyan, and I can be Asian.

This is very exciting. The power of what the president says is truly impressive. This pending Asian wholeheartedly embraces his president's hope and change. It is as if "I'm no longer outside, I'm fully part of this family" -- as if I am engaged to be Asian!

I am being discriminated against, and this injustice, this offense against human rights, must be remedied. A long-festering, unfair, narrow-minded prejudice is denying me equality with people born in Asia or of Asian descent.

There are so many good things to say about Asian people. Just to name a few, Asians are well-respected and smart, often achieving top-tier scores on standardized tests. Asians do well economically, frequently being top-quartile earners. Asians typically have rewarding jobs, many times as scientists and in other respected medical and technology positions. And Asians are healthy, often having longer lifespans.

Many Asians are also mathematically adept. As for me, I'm also good at math and was born that way. It is so unfair to have this natural mathematical orientation and not be Asian. To tell you the truth, this makes me crazy. Why should I be deprived of all the other good things Asians have?

In this evolved day and age, it is obviously wrong that only inhabitants of Asia or those of Asian descent have the opportunity to be Asian. In the name of equality, this should be corrected. Being Asian is a basic civil right, and "it's also the Golden Rule, you know, treat others the way you would want to be treated."

This, my lifelong frustration, seemed intractable until an unexpected solution materialized. Thanks be to Barack. It turns out that all of the reasons for legalizing gay marriage -- offered recently by our inclusive President, his Department of Justice, and other gay marriage advocates -- are applicable to the fulfillment of my quest and the remedy of my frustration. Consider:

It is no one else's business if two men or two women want to get married and receive the benefits of marriage. Likewise, it is no one else's business if I want to be Asian and receive the benefits of being Asian.

Legalizing gay marriage will not harm heterosexual marriages or family values. Similarly, my being Asian will in no way harm any other Asian or Asian values.

Gay couples are reportedly stable. Therefore, gay marriage is good for children and families. Likewise, I've never been divorced, and Asians have low divorce rates, making my being Asian very good for my family. Not only that, but my wife can become a tiger mom. Our kids will do great in school, and since Asians are very caring about their extended families, my parents and siblings will also benefit.

There is no such thing as traditional marriage, given the modern and ancient examples of polygamy and communal child-rearing. As well, there is really no such thing as a traditional Asian, given that the original settlement of Asia occurred as a result of the migration of Denisovans, Africans, and Aboriginal Australians.

Material benefits and social support resulting from marriage can increase wealth and improve psychological well-being for those married. As was mentioned earlier, Asians also benefit from greater wealth and improved well-being. The state should not deny me this wealth or well-being.

Prohibiting gay marriage creates an irrational classification on the basis of sexual orientation. Likewise, preventing one from being Asian creates an irrational classification on the basis of race. Any suggestion of my Asian unsuitability is a suggestion that races are unequal. Prohibition of being Asian is a violation of the equal protection clause because it discriminates on the basis of race.

Prohibition of gay marriage is a violation of the due process clause because it burdens a vital personal right to the orderly pursuit of happiness. I will not be happy until I am Asian, thus my due process rights are being violated.

Marriage is a personal choice to live together, to remain committed to one another, and to form a household based on one's feelings about one another. Likewise, being Asian is a personal choice to pursue Asian things, based upon my feelings about being Asian.

Denying same-sex couples the right to marry stigmatizes gay and lesbian families as inferior. It hurts, but people often assume I have an average job; make so-so money; and, worst of all, have poor math skills. This bigotry will assuredly continue unless and until I am Asian.

Anthropological research supports the conclusion that a vast array of family types, including families built upon same-sex partnerships, can contribute to stable and humane societies. The same applies here -- my being Asian will diversify my home and workplace, adding stability.

Married individuals live longer, on average, than unmarried individuals. As already mentioned, Asians live longer than non-Asians. The state may not arbitrarily cut my life short.

Individuals do not choose sexual orientation. Individuals do not choose innate math skills.

Recent research suggests that refusing to allow same-sex couples to marry results in harmful psychological effects. Being non-Asian is making me crazy.

Activists point out that the movement of marriage away from state-mandated gender roles reflects an evolution. Likewise, the movement of being Asian away from state-recognized racial classifications would reflect a similar evolution. As President Obama says, "[w]e have never gone wrong when we expanded rights and responsibilities to everybody." The right to be Asian is certainly no exception.

Now that the president has dropped his whole "words matter" foolishness, so many problems can be solved. The poor can be rich, the lax can be observant, abortion can be health care, profligate spending can be fiscal restraint, the president can be Kenyan, and I can be Asian.

This is very exciting. The power of what the president says is truly impressive. This pending Asian wholeheartedly embraces his president's hope and change. It is as if "I'm no longer outside, I'm fully part of this family" -- as if I am engaged to be Asian!