A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'Couple of minutes ago.'

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it." The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat."

Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' STOW HIGH IN TRANSIT' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

^ is a nice story but makes about as much sense as the one about 'fuck' being a police acronym of 'For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge'. 'Shit' is derived from 'shite' which in turn is derived from 'scitan', an Anglo-Saxon word from before the 12th century.

I like the idea that if you could get hold of an Anglo-Saxon from 10th century Cumbria they would have no idea what you were saying to them but would probably recognise the words 'fart' and 'tits' (according to Bill Bryson anyway).

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything - Friedrich Nietzsche

The great thing about Beaker is his ability to provoke while still being decorous, or at least within acceptable rules of conduct - Qwertyuiopasd

I like the S.H.I.T. story though but you're right Dave it's all very ancient language...apparently if you threw a Welsh person eg me back to the Iron age he/she would be able to understand what they were saying. I'm not so sure...I have trouble in Cardiff.

How do you titillate an Ocelot?

Ans: You oscillate it's tit alot.

The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

Two horses are standing in a field next to the road, discussing the weather. "It never used to be like this" says one, "The spring arrives late, it rains all summer, then we don't get a proper winter. The plants and trees are all confused about when to sprout and when to die back. I don't understand what's going on."

A passing sheepdog stops and says "Excuse me butting in, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation there. I was in the farmhouse the other night, and there was a programme on Radio Four about something called 'Climate Change'. Apparently all the industry and energy and transport stuff that the humans do has screwed up the seasons and the weather, and they don't know what to do about it".

The horse turns to his companion and says "Bloody Hell! Did you hear that?""Yes!" says the other horse, "A talking dog!"

"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." ~ Bill Hicks."To argue with a person who has renounced reason is like administering medicine to the dead." ~ Thomas Paine."One should not believe everything one reads on the internet." ~ Abraham Lincoln."If you're making a political point wearing a balaclava, you're a c***. It was true for the IRA and it's true now." ~ daftbeaker.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

I believe it's time for mankind to set aside the crutch of religion and embrace morality born of reason and truth. Those crutches have long since proven treacherous when the ground gets slippery.