Monday, March 23, 2009

Just because it looks like green Jell-O doesn't mean you should put your penis in it.

20 times.

Perhaps I've said too much.

No, I'm talking about Girl Scout Cookie season.

Ah, yes...

Girl Scout Cookie Season.

That time of the year where little girls everywhere con their parents, grandparents...

(and for some reason, at my house, the UPS guy she calls 'Uncle Walt')

...into hawking cookies for them so they don't have to do shit and just sit on their asses watching iCarly on Nickelodeon and High School Fucking Musical 3 for the 17th time while JESUS H. CHRIST ALL I WANT TO WATCH IS THE NEWS AND IT'S MY TV ANYWAY SO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE LIVING ROOM!

Ahem.

Selling cookies.

As her father, I take this responsibility seriously.

Because no one wants to have the stupid kid who sells, like, 5 boxes of cookies.

I can see cookie pimp wannabee father's all over the Internet's copying your e-mail as we speak. You should write a small book to sell to the Girl Scouts for them to sell to the parents: How to Pimp Those Cookies in an Age When You Cannot Let Your Child Knock on a Stranger's Door. I'm seeing $$$$ pimpmeister. $$$$ I tell you.

That last comment reminded me, do you know what is round, brown and full of cobwebs? An Ethiopian asshole. See, they are poor. They have no food. They grow sand in their yards instead of grass because it never rains. They look soooo longingly and sad at the TV cameras because the cameraman is eating a fucking sandwich while filming them. I bet you could break the girl scout record for sales if you took orders from there. Of course you would get paid in goats and cows, and you could get a sandbox filled for nothing. They are poor, ya know.

I sold 73 boxes of cookies. I, as in not my daughter, sold the cookies. She didn't do a damn thing since she is a Daisy and they don't even allow them to actually sell the cookies. I have at least 12 boxes hidden in the basement.

I too, wrote about Girl Scout cookies on my blog - particularly the Axis of evil bastards who pimp them, get us addicted, and then take them away. Little did I know that you are one of the evil bastards ... or should I say evil little bastards. I am going to have to rethink my admiration for you. Unless of course you can score me some FREE cookies ... because as you know, I can be bought.