May 22 Dance Flick

Plot: Visualize a room filled with coherent, albeit, formulaic plots. Now picture a demolition crew blowing up that room with zestful overkill. Pick through the remaining detritus, piece together random flotsam, and voila! There’s your plot.

Who’s It For? Starfish. They’re slow, brainless, and they have a lot of free time.

Expectations: I was pretty sure I’d hang myself within the first ten minutes. Unfortunately, the theater staff took my noose away from me, because it ended up being much closer to five.

SCORECARD (0-10)

Actors:
Damon Wayans Jr. as Thomas: Wayans Jr. has a fun presence. Put him in something well written and funny and he could probably do a good job. Here, he’s one of the only remotely enjoyable parts of a big, rotten sh*t hoagie.
Score: 4

Shoshana Bush as Megan: Bush reminded me so much of Sarah Chalke from Scrubs both in prettiness and in unconscious goofiness, that I really liked her. She’s willing to push herself out of feminine and into silly for a laugh, and that is the foundation of a really fun comedienne. Again, it’s just one big “too bad” she’s in this movie.
Score: 4

Essence Atkins, Christina Murphy, David Alan Grier as the poorly written caricatures: These characters were poorly written caricatures. The actors would’ve been funny if not for the script.
Score: 3

Talking: There were a few funny lines and that makes it worse. First of all, it’s just one big painful reminder that the people behind this movie are capable of a good joke and they just were too hurried or too lazy to try any harder. And second of all, you get tricked into laughing and then you just have to sit there and burn with shame while the other critics eyeball you scornfully. I sort of wanted to check myself into the Witness Protection Program.
Score: 2

Sights: It’s a lot of flat, boring gross-out gags. The dancing isn’t even that fun. Why make a terrible movie about dancing with actors who can’t really dance? If they wanted to aim that low, they could’ve made a terrible movie about dancing with really talented dancers. See Center Stage for more details.
Score: 1

Sounds: I liked the music, but I couldn’t tell if that was the movie version of Stockholm Syndrome. You do what you gotta to survive, man.
Score: 5

PLOT SPOILERS

Best Scene: My favorite part of the movie was when the critic sitting next to me passed me a note that said, “Please kill me.” My second favorite part was when I trampled a kid in my efforts to escape the theater after the movie was over.

Ending: The very, very ending was spectacular. I don’t mean the lull after the climatic scene that wraps up the movie itself; I mean the part where the lights came back on.

Questions: Yes, but most of them are either personal or existential.

Rewatchability: Only in the absence of all remaining hope.

OVERALL

I don’t care if this movie makes any money or not. Usually, I take it personally when horrifically bad movies rake in the bucks, but this time I’m going to take a much more meditative approach. I’m going to stop and smell the flowers. I have a lot to be thankful for: my boyfriend still loves me after I begged him to sit through Dance Flick with me and it should’ve been a deal breaker. I have my health. I learned a lesson about opening any emails from Jeff Bayer with the line “YOU ARE SO LUCKY.” Life is a joyous thing when you’re not watching Dance Flick.