Spoof news stories from Wednesday 6 May 2009

Didier Drogba, Chelsea's Ivory Coast striker, was last night so incensed by the "disgraceful performance" of Norwegian referee, Tom Henning Ovrebo, in the Champions League semi-final second leg against Barcelona, that he has decided to give up playin...

Joanna Lumley, 71, the star of Absolutely Fabulous and further back, The New Avengers, met with Prime Minister Gordon Brown today, and later announced that she is one of Britain's biggest fans of gherkins.
Lumley, 71, told journalists outside 10 D...

Doctors in Hollywood, CA have announced a variation on the swine flu vaccine hysteria promoted on shows such as FAUX News. It seems that wealthy matrons seeking to have their neck wrinkles removed have been getting "Botox" injections made from pork...

In the face of increasing pressure from western countries to dismantle its nuclear enrichment program, Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declared that nuclear energy is a critical part of Iran's new plan to lower carbon emissions and reduce greenhou...

1) When there's only one other person in the lift, tap him on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and s...

It began as just a bad idea. Someone at the EPA heard that the government wanted to lower the amounts of methane and other green-house gases to help stop global warming, which according to President Bush doesn't even exist. And so, they decided tha...

Rumours are circulating around Westminster this evening suggesting that Gordon Brown called a Samaritans helpline immediately after the Prime Ministers Question time this week.
The most recent question times have seen the Conservative Party begin...

Gordon Brown found himself locked in a tussle of minds today as his adversary went on TV complimenting him on all of the positive action that he is going to take.
However this was not a foreign leader or a master of commerce that is messing with t...

Devastated Chelsea were left weeping last night as they managed to throw away a place in the final of the Champion's League.
Chelsea who were fully expecting to lose to Manchester United if they made it to the final given the air of inevitability...

There were celebrations at Stamford Bridge tonight, as unfancied Chelsea hammered their Champions League semi-final opponents, Barcelona, 1-0 to set up a repeat of last year's final with Manchester United in Rome on 27 May.
Chelsea had drawn 0-0 w...

In a new attempt to raise the profile of her campaign to award former members of the Gurkha regiment increased rights to live in Britain, Joanna Lumley is to star in a one episode spin off of "Absolutely Fabulous".
Lumley will star with Jennifer S...

A pleasant surprise hit Citibank today as the bank which had been considered in "a shocking amount of trouble" was said to have far too much capital.
The US stress tests were designed to identify which American banks have too little capital to wea...

Alastair Darling was left red faced in his estimation of the extent of the credit crunch when it was revealed that the New Moon would now be cancelled for the next three months.
"In an attempt to reduce costs we have come to the decision to not ha...

Despite loosing the European Champions League semi final against Manchester United, one Arsenal player has something to smile about.
Young defender Keiran Gibbs has been handed a six figure contract to advertise Heelies.
The wheeled shoe manufa...

Famous only in America 'shock jock' Michael Savage received a welcome boost to his ego by home secretary Jacqui Smith.
Unheard of in the UK, Michael Savage was due to visit Britain to air his extreme right wing views.
An insider said of the shock...

Unusually dumb Nigerians have been trying hard to steal money from hard working folks here in America by sneaking in and trying to sell land they don't own, get you to invest in things in their own country that is just a front or trying any of a thou...

Fame hungry Politician David Cameron, will be trying to reach out to the inert electorate this Saturday, by appearing on Britain's Got Talent singing 'That's Not My Name' by the Ting-Tings.
The faceless, shapeless leader has asked media spin-docto...

In a bid to strengthen their relationship with other Booger Countians, the Muslim Community of near-by Baghdad, Tennessee is planning to throw Boogertown a party after Main Street is roped off Saturday night.
There will be barbecued goat, coos coos salad and more barbecued goat.
It will be an exciting evening of entertainment, veil dancing, fine-dining barbecued goat-style and all around gr...

Beverley Hills 90210 - Billionaire heiress and socialite Paris Hilton is to change her name, first and last, after having a very grave argument with her father, Bill Hilton.
Hilton is to change her last name to Holiday Inn, after the world-wide th...

An old acquaintance from his earlier days at the Barnes Theatre Company
Patricia Brewster, Robert Pattison's alleged stalker, has been detained by the Los Angeles Police Department as she had been seen around the studio where Pattison has been inv...

London - (Fascist Ass Mess): Alexander Mosley, 39 year-old son of successful Nazi S&M dungeon story litigant Max Mosley, has been found dead at his Notting Hill home in what police have described as a classic smack-my-ass-up drug overdose scenari...

After a tip-off this morning, police arrived at Jacqui Smith's house and took possession of a silver and black Scott mountain bike. It coincides with a police report that David Cameron's bicycle had been stolen from railings near his home.
Jacqui...

Nicklas Bendtner, Arsenal's 6'2" Danish international striker drowned his sorrows in style at a London nightclub following his team's thorough flogging at the hands of a rampant Manchester United.
Bendtner was seen to be escorted from a South Kens...

LOS ANGELES - Sometime Hollywood comedic actor but full-time epicurean, Dom DeLuise, has died, but not before relieving himself of a really grand fart, "...one that must have been percolating deep within his bowels for weeks, if not months," states a...

Lucerne, Switzerland - Kit Kat have made a startling announcement in the Confectionary Times that they are to break away from the brand that made them famous and start their own business.
Identical twin chocolate fingers Kit and Kat, both 43, of B...

A Boogertown driver who fashioned his own 'bead mat' car seat cover from golf balls has been taken to the Booger Green Hospital in near-by Booger Green to have three of the balls surgically removed from his rectum.
Mr. Jonathon "Fat Boy" Wilson claims he will sue the city, once he's out of the hospital and recovered from the operation, over a twelve-inch deep pothole on East Van Morrison Stre...

Silicon Valley, CA - Jordan AKA Katie Price and Peter Andre have announced Jordan's breasts, Breasta and Boobie, are to go on a much needed holiday to The Andes in France.
After eight years of working non-stop as two of the world's top breasts, wi...

The giant frog which appeared alongside Prince Charles and sons Wills and Harry in a wacky, off the wall, save the rainforest internet broadcast was a reluctant participant according to Royal insiders.
The broadcast, which also featured Mork, the...

London - Guy Ritchie, film director and ex-husband of Madonna has found love again - with a much older woman.
Ritchie, 40, had been reportedly visiting his grandmother at an Old-Aged Home in Kent when he met 82 year old Beatrice Potter. Friends...

Jade Goody is the biggest name signed up to star in a new reality show which will begin on ITV in the autumn.
The show, to be presented by Ant & Dec and Trevor McDonald, will be called I'm A Corpse! Get Me Out Of Here! and TV bosses are hoping...

Jumbolair, Fl/ Flying News - In a startling revelation, aviation nut and Movie Icon John Travolta acknowledged that he was at the controls of Obama's 747 during a gut wrenching fly over of NY City which caused massive ground panic amongst Hedge Fund...

Velma from Scooby Doo has finally come clean about her sexuality in a revealing interview with Dyke magazine.
"I'm a lesbian and proud", reveals Velma, who has retired from private investigation to focus on her acting career, admitting that she ho...

Hansel and Gretel have been arrested after new DNA evidence has come to light in the case of the roasted 'witch', a cause celebre and scandal which rocked the world a hundred years ago.
"We have evidence which suggests that the siblings may have e...

In a follow up to the recently announced ban of US "Shock Jock", Michael Savage, the Home Office has released a further list of US celebrities who are now banned from entering the country.
The list is based on the powers which allow the Home Offic...

Gordon Brown announced a cabinet reshuffle today, which was being touted as his last chance to address his waning popularity ratings.
Some of the moves had been predicted, however some other announcements which appear to be a desperate attempt to...

Elm Street, Chicago - Freddy Krueger, the famous serial killer from the Nightmare on Elm Street movie series is to get a makeover.
Krueger was released from prison last year after spending four years incarcerated at San Quentin for "Dream Invasion...

Under fire British Prime Minister snapped today during a heated exchange with Conservative leader David Cameron.
The pressure has clearly been building on Brown who had seen even his own party turning on him.
The initial cracks in the PM starte...

An evil Glaswegian pervert who killed three cats appeared in court yesterday and will be sentenced next month. The unnamed pervert, a fat bastard who can't find a girlfriend allegedly got his kicks from torturing cats, and in three cases killing them...

The heavily criticised smile of Gordon Brown was axed today as the Prime Minister took action to attempt to turn around his ever reducing popularity.
The smile which has made some brief appearances on YouTube recently has become the focus of a num...

Vincent Van Gogh, the famous painter, has also been well known for allegedly having cut off his own ear in a fit of depression.
However a team of historians revealed today the true story behind his lost lobe and how it came to happen.
In fact i...

Buckingham Palace - In one of the biggest scandals to rock the monarchy since Henry VIII cut off the wrong wife's head, Prince Phillip, husband of Queen Elizabeth has been caught with 23 ecstasy tablets at a London nightclub.
The incident happened...

Ecstasy turned to agony for Salford man Mickey Finn in the early hours of this morning. Finn,38 had been up all night celebrating Manchester United's 3-1 triumph at the Emirates last night and looking forward to a trip to Rome for the CL Final.
Mr...

Manchester United manager, Sir Alex Ferguson, has said that the dismissal of Darren Fletcher by referee Roberto Rosetti in last night's Champions League semi-final victory against Arsenal, was "a tragedy" and that the Italian should be "struck off".

Ben Ealing, who won the coveted, "best job in the world" - caretaker of a sun-drenched island - has been sacked on only his second day, after he fell asleep on the job, and woke to find the tropical paradise had been stolen. 'I only had my eyes close...

The British Confederation Of Undertakers today announced that it is to cut overtime working to zero levels, and is putting the blame squarely on the shoulders of the government. The restrictions have already been applied to gravediggers and coffin ma...

Did he cut his ear off or didn't he? Did Gauguin do it? Where is it now? These are just some of the questions being bandied about in the art world this week, as yet another theory is advanced as to what really led Vincent Van Gogh to lose an ear.

It was the most wince-inducing news story of 1993 when it was revealed that Lorena Bobbitt cut off her husband's penis as he slept, before fleeing in her car and tossing the severed organ out of the car window into the night.
Fortunately (or not,...

The Metropolitan Police announced this morning that the entire Barcelona delegation, currently staying in London ahead of tonight's Champions League semi-final showdown with Chelsea, has been put under extensive surveillance in the interests of Briti...

Michael Savage, the Talk Radio Network presenter whose name has appeared on a list of people to be banned from entering the UK, has proposed that the UK Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, be similarly banned from entering the US.
Savage, real name Mich...

Controversy today in the world of showbiz, as an attractive person was found to be, actually, not that attractive after all!?!?!
The supposedly gorgeous, famous person was snapped by pap's rushing out of her house and jumping into her car, appeari...

The government is due to unveil a giant money funnel today, designed to better demonstrate where large proportions of public money go.
Top secret until now, details of the funnel are still sketchy; however, it is believed to be built of enamel a...

The porcine generated influenza that is currently threatening the health of the whole wide world that we thought was in the great big hands of "He that many of us used to believe in", is defying cure and treatment. Fever, chills, nausea, vomiting and...

Sir Alex Ferguson, a man not well known for under-reacting to situations, has launched a campaign to have referee Roberto Rosetti immediately sent to a Siberian salt mine for the rest of his life.
Following Manchester United's match against Arsena...

Network moguls have canned once popular Britain's Got Talent.
When asked about the shocking shift of fortunes, TV tyrant, Genghis Can explained that it was a matter of truth in advertising:
"We decided to listen to Simon Cowell. The fella s...

Once possessing abs as flat as a pancake, "Tin Pan" Alley wowed the weight world and made the diet tribe drop dead with envy. But as in many weight loss legends the fat cells do fill up again and again. And this seems to be the large tale of Kirstie...

Ricky Hatton, the Manchester Mauler got badly dropped by Filipino Six Pack Pacquioa during a recent Marquis of Queensbury competition. Fisticuff aficionados blamed training, diet and Filipino dirty tricks for the upset of the British Bashful Bomber.

An as yet unidentified Police Force is under investigation after it was revealed that male officers were engaging in homosexual acts while they thought they were alone.
Unfortunately everything has been caught on film.
The force, which can not...