We start our roundup this month with the most awesome thing about March – one celebrated one’s birthday and commemorated the occasion with a limerick:

There once was a tweeter named Tex

His specialty was in the lex

On Ides minus 2

His birthday, woohoo!

So dig deep & pull out some cheques!

Sadly, no cheques yet. Maybe next year…

THE NATIONAL CONFERENCE

Nigeria’s controversial national conference started this month. After squabbling about religion, marginalisation, voting rules, respect for elders, the right to doze off without the press covering it AAAAAND receiving their first allowances of N1.4million each, it does not seem as if things will get moving for another week yet. Still, we celebrate some of the more famous delegates in the limericks below:

When Jimmy was head of the sports

His case shoulda gone to the courts

A great innovator

Showed a generator

When started, man, it teleports.

A cross-dressing fugitive man

Was impeached then forgiven and

Despite his disgrace

Will yet be the face

Of Bayelsa’s conferencing band

What really is two-thirds 19?

Is it 12 or is it 13?

Ol’Richie returns

To raise these concerns

When all the delegates convene

An ex-gov’ning husband of judge

In landmarking judicial sludge

Forever denied

The risk of being tried

An “elder statesman”, oh what fudge!

OOH LA LA!

After being dubbed a specialist in failure by the Special Punk, Jose Mourinho, Gooners all over the world licked their chomps in anticipation of the showdown between Arsenal and Chelsea. Like the protagonist in a Kung-Fu movie, we all expected Arsene Wenger to “take his revenge”. The prospect received additional spice because it was Arsen’s 1000th game in charge of Arsenal. Things didn’t quite play out as expected. In fact, Arsenal shipped 6 goals without reply that day, prompting Professeur Wenger to attempt dodging the post-match press conference. The following limerick, as salve for our North London wounds…

There once was a French coach named Wenger

In-club for a thousand game bender

Got stuffed by José

Well, hip hip hooray

Our specialist, legend forever

ROAD SAFETY REFORM MEETS ROADBLOCK

A learned colleague recently obtained a judgement from the Federal High Court, restraining the Federal Road Safety Corps from impounding cars that do not have the new number plates. You can read the story here. Unconstitutional and illegal. Does this mean that cars with the new plates are improperly registered? We cannot say. Will the FRSC adhere to the judgement? We’ll just have to wait and see. Will you get a refund for the unconstitutional and illegal number plates on your car? This limerick is for you.

Koro reportedly also played a role in the “did-he-didn’t-he” that followed reports of the resignation of the newly appointed defence minister (Koro is his junior minister, his expertise in defending, uhm, his fellow Lagosians coming in very useful here). The minister, retired General Gusau, quickly denied news of his resignation, but something very clearly happened between the ministers and the joint chiefs as news of their reconciliation was roundly received with relief. In honour of the purported resignation however, the following –

Nigeria’s joint chiefs weren’t inclined

To meet with Gusau, how unkind

The head of defence

In pure common-sense

He picked up his pen & resigned

NATIONAL IMMIGRATION SERVICE [SHAM] RECRUITMENT TRAGEDY

In a truly heart-wrenching sequence of events, the National Immigration Service charged 6 million applicants N1000 each, so that it could invite 500,000 thousand of them to a test at various stadiums around the country, intending to offer only about 4,000 of them employment. There were stampedes in almost each stadium, 19 people died and hundreds more were injured. Now, first question is, how the hell do the NIS, who have 2 people stamping each passport at the airports, need 4,000 more staff? Then, where did the Minister for the Interior, Comrade Abba Moro, find the nerve to come on television and blame the multiple stampedes on the “impatience” of the applicants? Then, our president, Goodluck Jonathan, incomprehensibly decides to award 3 employment slots to the families of those who died and automatic employment for everyone injured in the stampede. Unsurprisingly, he nearly caused another stampede at the National Hospital, with people feigning injury and clamouring to be put on the automatic employment list… [*deep, deep, breaths*]

A stampede as stamping HQ

Recruited for stampers brand new

Like dreams they were crushed

As applicants rushed

To 19, we now say adieu

A stampede, as stamping HQ

Recruited, but all went askew

500k tried

And then 19 died

The polity heated, a-stew.

The head of our troubled interior

In garbage from oral posterior

Has asked us to blame

The dead & now lame

And ignore his motives, ulterior

The head of our country has tried

In satire personified

To placate the mob

By giving a job

To families of seekers that died

Have u been maimed in a stampede?

Or just maimed, but still full of need?

Then go to Abuja

The gov’ment will give ya

A job as their penance for greed

May the souls of the departed rest in peace. May those whose negligence led to their deaths not receive the customary golden parachute and silver handshake from the federal employer.

AND IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS…

President Goodluck Jonathan went to Europe and informed his audience that corruption in Nigeria is blown out of proportion; things aren’t as bad as we know them to be… Okay, then.

Our country is full of distortion

Especially talking corruption

We exaggerate

Discombobulate

And blow it all out of proportion

… and Russia is giving the rest of the world its middle finger in Ukraine.

We begin our roundup this week with the question on all our minds since it became known that the NNPC could not account for a huge, huge, sum of money, somewhere between “only” $10.8bn and $20bn: WHERE IS OUR MONEY?

Well, in what was seen as an attempt to force the hand of the federal government, finance minister and coordinating minister for the economy, Dr. Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, issued a statement calling for a forensic audit of the NNPC’s accounts. The statement was issued shortly after the CBN Governor, Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, was fired under circumstances most watchers connect to him blowing the whistle on the NNPC billions.

Ngozi, she’s gone now and floored it

Tentatively, watchers applaud it

The money that’s lost

She said to her boss

Will be found in forensic audit

CNN sacked Piers Morgan. Though it was probably because of his show’s dismal ratings, many say it was because of his crusade against the National Rifle Association and its reverence for the Second Amendment to the American Constitution, even in the face of frequent massacres. He’ll be fine, though, that Piers.

Whenever the Nigerian oil cabal is taken on, it fights back. A scarcity followed the initial investigation into fuel subsidies a few years ago, a scarcity has now followed allegations of $20billion being unaccounted for. The joke is now in circulation, where Nigerians apologise to the cabal and tell them they can keep the $20billion as long as they released petrol supplies again.

The President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria has advised Governors that it is in their interest and the interest of their states to seek cordial relations with him. He said, “A number of politicians feel that the best thing to do is to be abusing Mr. President, abusing the Federal Government and so on. You are elected to develop your state, I think the best thing is to have good relationship with the centre, whether you have a pin or you don’t have but one day it will come. Wearing boxing gloves, jumping into the boxing ring to face Mr. President does not help the development of any state.”

A warning today from the Rock

To guv’nors whose tongues run amok

If you want progress

Then try some finesse

And stop criticising Goodluck

Finally, we end with an event still causing ripples on the interwebs. In Nigeria, we once had a greatly feared dictator, Sani Abacha. He died in office under circumstances that have never been officially explained. The government of Goodluck Jonathan decided to grant him a posthumous award, along with other past heads of state for being “Outstanding promoters of unity, patriotism and national development.” Fear not, Lord Luggard, Flora Shaw and Queen Elizabeth were also given awards.

The families of Gani Fawehinmi and MKO Abiola rejected the purported centenary awards to their progenitors. Nobel laureate, Wole Soyinka, rejected his award as well, because, he said, he could not share an award with the late Abacha, who was a “murderer and thief of no redeeming quality”.

Well, one of Abacha’s sons responded to Professor Soyinka. You can read his nicely drafted letter here. Of course, many took umbrage and a learned friend has written a response to Sadiq Abacha here.

For about 5 months between 2013-14, former fundraiser for the presidential campaign of President Jonathan, and his erstwhile minister of aviation, Ms Stella Oduah, was under fire. The history of her various battles was captured, at various points, in the compendium of limericks below.

Her first trial came after a tragic spate of air crashes, when she held a press conference and declared, “We do not pray for accidents but it is inevitable… We do everything to ensure that we do not have accidents, but it is an act of God.” She probably meant something closer to “force majeure” and not that these things would happen regardless of how vigilant we mortals were, but she was roundly ridiculed for the statement…

The question that’s now on the table-

Is it true or is it a fable

That aircraft must drop

Accidents won’t stop

It’s really all inevitable?

Shortly thereafter, it emerged that she had given her approval for one of the departments under her supervision to purchase 2 armoured BMWs at a cost of N255million (US$1.6million). Investigations were conducted, leading to a hearing at the Federal Legislature. There, the contractor who imported the cars, a long established auto-industry mogul, admitted bringing the vehicles in via import waivers meant for the Lagos State Sports Festival from the previous year, to avoid tax. As for the minister, she said she realized that the money involved exceeded the statutory ministerial authority (of N100 million) and she qualified her approval of the internal memo with the words “do the needful”. As such, it purportedly then became the government department’s job to see that the cars were procured lawfully. Cue a nation-full of raised eyebrows. Her Director from the department then testified that the cars were not meant for the minister, oh no! They were for dignitaries from IATA and other ministries of aviation. Cue a nation-full of “yeah right!”…

The heat didn’t really die down with the hearing at the House. Not too long afterwards, an “assassination attempt” on Ms Oduah was reported. Luckily for her, she was not in the ambushed car. However, the incident was not reported to the Police until 48 hours afterwards and as for the police investigation, it’s probably best not to say anymore…

She purchased those cars, not in jest

And also a bulletproof vest

The House’s report

Is just writing sport

Now sympathy trumps an arrest

——

Turned out the Beamer’s weren’t costly

And we were outraged unjustly

To questions about

Corruptional doubt

Our Prez’dent has replied “robustly”

But Stella kept working hard, especially at the international airports, keeping on with the expansions and remodeling. Then, she announced something called the Aerotropolis, that would result in the creation of a world record 10 million jobs! Cynicism trailed almost all she was doing by this time and the jobs projection was met with the greatest skepticism possible…

She was then accused of barring State Security Service personnel from the international airports. This was probably a silly rumour and her team promptly denied it.

Ms Stella’s again in the news

Bizarre, but they say she’s refused

To permit access

By the SSS

To airports, and they’ve blown a fuse

Finally, after months of robust silence from the presidency on all matters that concerned her, she was chopped in a cabinet reshuffle. We don’t expect her separation from the president to be permanent however, given their history.

President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe turned 90 on the 21st of February. In the run-up to the big day, the ice-creaming loving liberator informed the world that he had no plans to retire. He will live forever, this man.

The Tribune reports a bizarre story, where students of a particular secondary school in Osun State, reacting to the governor’s pot-pourri revamp, all came to school wearing religious garb. Christians in choir robes, Muslims in veils and African religionists in, well, “fetish” regalia.

Now, how does Atiku’s defection/resignation/porting affect previous political calculations? It is said to be an open secret that the current Speaker of the House is poised to join the APC and become its presidential nominee. The chatter on this has been a little subdued over the past week. More waiting and seeing to be done.

1. We begin this week’s roundup with the goings-on in the People’s Democratic Party and statements from those who remain in the party, as well as those who have defected. The President, in a moment of uncommon frankness and lucidity, confirmed what many already suspected – most of the misfits in politics chose to “serve” not because they really wanted to serve, but because they were jobless.

Our leader, in Freudian slip

Has given his colleagues the flip

We do this enjoyment

Because unemployment

Has held Nigeria in its grip

2. After many months of wrangling, in-fighting and defections to the opposition, Bamanga Tukur was forced to give up his position as the Chairman of the PDP. However, the President swiftly promised that he would “reward” the 80-year old (!!!) with a juicier position than party chairman (he actually said “tougher” but let’s all agree he was being euphemistic). Well, he’s fulfilled this promise, as Tukur is set to be announced as the new Minister of Defence.

4. Femi Fani-Kayode’s been writing again. The piece itself is evidence of how far technology and democracy have come, as my brain cannot process the consequence of its equivalent during the Abacha or early Obasanjo years. It contains 12 steps that GEJ must follow to achieve Illuminatic enlightment (or bring back peace to Nigeria, whatever), which include lying prostrate before 7 living elementals and remaining there until each had pronounced absolution. There were some salacious tidbits too.

6. The President recently signed the Same Sex Marriage Prohibition Bill into law. While banning gay marriage (which was already unlawful under the old marriage laws), many argue it actually goes as far as also making private homosexual conduct illegal. It kicked up a storm on the interblogs.

It’s probably not intentional, but the limericks have veered, in a most determined fashion, into the theatre of politics since the turn of the year. Perhaps it’s the season the country is in, with all the political intrigue already “heating up the polity”. For those who follow the politics, here’s my take on the events. For those who don’t, maybe this will spark your interest, as the question of who our leaders should be has never been more important.

1. General Muhammadu Buhari reportedly said here that the All Progressives Congress would groom tomorrow’s leaders. Pretty rich, coming from him, as he’s turned 70 and seems to wish to contest in 2015’s presidential elections in spite of the fact that he’s participated and lost in every election since 1999.

A frequent Prez Contestant

Thrice lost,but unrepentant

Announced that his party

Will groom leaders, lawdy

He’s not even groomed a lieutenant

2. The YouTube video above went viral. It showed a Kenyan lady remarking tongue-in-cheek about how dazzled they were when President Jonathan came to Kenya with Nigerian businessmen, in a “convoy” of 7 private jets. It was a non-story, a chuckle and a half, until Dr. Reuben Abati (Special Assistant to the President on Media/Communications) tweeted this:

@elrufai@omojuwa Stop spreading lies.Pres. Jonathan was in Kenya with only 1 aircraft.Provide concrete evidence to the contrary or shut up.

3. The hawks continue to circle Princess Stella Oduah, the Nigerian Minister of Aviation. First it was the scandal of the purchase of 2 armoured BMWs for $1.6m. Now, it has been alleged that she hasn’t been totally honest about her graduate studies. Shortly after the story broke, it was reported further that her aides had frantically cleaned up all her online profiles (LinkedIn, Facebook, Wikipedia and the Aviation Ministry’s website), removing all references to the questioned MBA and PhD. No statement on this yet from the presidency. Meanwhile, it was also reported that the President had, in anger, asked the outgoing CBN governor (tenure expires in June) to resign (story here) – for publicly alleging that over $40bn (!!!) of oil revenue was unaccounted for, when the true figure was closer to only $10bn.

For Princess,a new revelation

Times Premium in investigation

Is casting a doubt

(Abeg I can’t shout)

On Stella Oduah’s education

In spite of the Grand Renovation

It’s tricky,this school situation

Should all that she’s built

Absolve her of guilt

If she fibbed’bout her education?

The prez wants SLS to go

For leakage to ex-presido

And 10 lost, not 40

That letter was naughty

But Sanusi, boldly, says NO.

So Goody would have Lami go

For daring to spotlight the dough

But on his princess

He will not address

The beamers and CV, no, no.

4. Britain and Nigeria signed an agreement to deport each other’s convicted nationals to serve out their sentences in their home countries. The conspiracy theory mill swung into overdrive, anticipating that James Ibori, convicted former governor, would be one of the beneficiaries, and that he would receive a state pardon very quickly thereafter, making him eligible to actively participate in politics again.