The Couch Slouch: Some out-of-the-box picks for NFL czar

By NORMAN CHAD, SPECIAL TO THE P-I

Published
10:00 pm PDT, Sunday, May 21, 2006

NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue is retiring -- he got sick of working Sundays -- and team owners are in the process of finding a replacement. Election of a new commissioner requires 22 votes among the 32 teams, plus an unspecified cash payment to Al Davis.

Some owners have talked about splitting the commissioner's job into two positions, hiring one person to run the business side of the league and another to oversee Terrell Owens. But it likely will be just one man (or woman, if hell freezes over and Calamity Jane has a kick-butt descendant.)

One leading candidate is the league's chief operating officer, Roger Goodell, who represents the standard-issue, off-the-rack, Martha's-Vineyard white-guy constituency (which is virtually undefeated in races like this one). Another top candidate is Falcons president Rich McKay. Rich McKay? The guy has worked in Tampa Bay and Atlanta, so he can tell you where a good T.G.I. Fridays is. But do you want him running the whole shebang?

Couch Slouch firmly believes the NFL needs to look over the horizon and around the bend for a different and special type of leadership. Here are some out-of-the-box choices for the next NFL commissioner:

John Madden. Has a customized bus, a telestrator and an active vocabulary approaching 75 words -- what else do you need to lead 32 millionaires into action?

Howard Schultz. You want to make the NFL even bigger? This fella's got people thrilled to pay $3.95 for a cup of stinkin' coffee at Starbucks -- how much do you think he could get from the TV networks?

Don Garber. He's done wonders as head honcho at MLS. (I believe they're in the middle of a season right now.) Note: MLS is Major League Soccer.

Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's been running California, which has one of the few budgets larger than the NFL's. And he's married to a Kennedy!

Ask The Slouch

Q. Larry Brown says he's going to work this week although the Knicks appear as if they're trying to get rid of him. Have you ever defied an employer like that? (David Weiss; Mayfield Heights, Ohio)

A. I know from experience -- if you are not wanted, it's best to pack your Jif Extra Crunchy Peanut Butter and move on to the next job or, uh, bed.

Q. Why do you watch so much sports on television when it clearly makes you so unhappy? (J. Anthony Logan; Lynnwood)

A. "Why do you hold up banks?" notorious bank robber Willie Sutton once was asked. "Because that's where the money is," he answered.

Q. Now that Anheuser-Busch bought Rolling Rock and the horse head is moving out of Latrobe, Pa., how can we go on? (Mike Conlon; Pittsburgh)

A. I am not emotionally fit to assess this situation at the moment and have been advised to defer comment until after post-trauma counseling.

Q. What in the name of Dieter Brock and Marc Wilson is the NFL network doing with its headquarters in Los Angeles when there's no NFL team in Los Angeles? Can we one day look forward to NBA TV live from its Bismarck, North Dakota studios? (Richard Borden; Pittsburgh)