Overcoming PTSD and Self-Injury Through Yoga

Therapy this afternoon started off so well – my mood was ok, I was present, and I didn’t feel like a total failure at life. However, by the end of my session, I was starting to get a headache. I am fortunate in that I rarely get headaches. By the time I went to Target, picked up my daughter, and got home, I was in tears because my head hurt so bad. I quickly set my daughter up on the iPad, let the dog out, and went upstairs to find medicine to make my head quit hurting.

I was a bit panicked because I couldn’t find medication at first (we tend to hide it in our house so I don’t have easy access to it when I’m suicidal). Well, this panicked state sent me into a bit of a tailspin of anger and pain, and probably a bit of dissociation. When I finally found a bottle of ibuprofen, I dumped four pills into my hand and swallowed them. That’s only 800mg and that’s pretty much a standard dose for me because if I’m taking medication, it’s bad enough for me to need a hefty dose.

Before I knew it, I had 6 more pills in my hand ready to be swallowed. The only thing racing through my brain was that my daughter deserved a mom who isn’t fucked up from PTSD and craziness all the time. My daughter deserved a mom who wasn’t this crazy.

Then, I heard my dog barking outside.

That’s it. That was enough to remind me of all of the reasons why I am a good enough mommy for my daughter. I put the pills back in the bottle. I put the cap back on. I tossed it under the sink blindly. I went downstairs and made dinner.

I’ve spent the last 45 minutes debating on whether or not I should post this because I don’t want sympathy and I don’t want judgement. I want people to know that these are the dangers that come with PTSD. This is part of what I live with because I have mental health issues and for some fucked up reason, there’s this part of my brain that struggles with accepting that I am good enough, that I deserve to live, that I deserve to be a mommy.

I would never want to do anything to cause my daughter immense pain. I want to be the very best mommy that I can. In order to do that, I need to be mindful and take care of myself first. I need to keep going to therapy and working on trauma stuff, even when I have weeks where I want to quit. To be the type of mommy that my daughter deserves, I need to accept that this is where things are right now; however, they have improved a great deal in a year of trauma work, and they will continue to improve over the next year.

Tonight, I am trying to find patience; patience with myself and patience with this process of trauma work. It will definitely be a yoga nidra and essential oils kind of night. Here’s to hoping for no more flashbacks in the next 24 hours. My mind and body need a break for a little while.

I think finding alternatives to medication is an important part of my recovery due to my issues with addiction. I rarely take meds for anything. However, I do wish sometimes I could take something for anxiety or depression. Unfortunately, I’ve not had much success with that in the past. Maybe one day I’ll try again though. For me, the mindfulness part is SOOOO crucial.

I’ve recently began researching and utilizing essential oils. So far it has been beneficial to our family, though I cannot say that they are a cure-all or that I won’t view them as such at some point.

Being mindful is a huge part of recovery and healing. I had an experience this summer that was simple, but life changing. Get a small, wrapped piece of candy. Listen to the wrapper as you open it, smell the candy, and take your time consuming it. Think about all the textures, the tastes, and what it does for you. Anytime I need reintroduced to mindfulness, I practice this exercise. 🙂