"In this journey the patterns that constitute what we have accepted as Our Reality will be deconstructed through self forgiveness and re-constructed through a commitment of correction to that which is best for all life."

Do you remember when you were small, like really small and young, before you knew anything about money, before you even knew that money played a part in your LIFE, in your expression, in what you can and cannot do?

I do, I remember when I was small and young and I could just play my days away, explore my home and the garden, make friends and play with friends, where I could just sit in my room for hours doing my own thing – I remember when I could just pack a back pack full of toys or things and pretend that I am going on a journey through our garden.

Not everyone had the same childhood experiences of course, I also had the bad moments, those moments where I got yelled at or spanked for doing something I wasn’t supposed to do or that was wrong., and where me and my siblings would fight and not get along, or with friends, or any other form of conflict that could possibly have taken place, and of course in some families far worse.

The point I am bring in here is, can you really remember those moments of when you were young and small, where you were along with yourself and your mind was still quit empty, not as much BS as there is now, where you could still be in touch with you when you are with yourself, in your moment, I would like you to find those moments or even just one moment if you can, those moments where you are you regardless of who is around you or your circumstances, if you had money or not.

Because at some point in all our lives, when we were young and small, we weren’t aware that MONEY was a factor in our lives, we weren’t aware that money deiced anything and everything of our environments and how the adults are around us, and yet in this point of innocence we were still HERE, we were still ourselves as an expression.

So find that moment in your life before you had any relationship with money, and see who you were, now look at who you are and how your entire life, every action is based on money and around money and for money or in fear of no money.

Bring back that self, that child that can be here, stand as LIFE as an expression of LIFE regardless of what ones current money situation is, do not live for money, live with money, change the relationship where money is just a tool, like a hammer, yes it can do a LOT more than a hammer, it can make sure hammers are being build, but I am simply using the hammer example as a reference to what money and our relationship toward it must be, once we see money as a tool, we will much more easily deal with money, and who we are as our expression as LIFE isn’t dependent on money and how we feel or what we do as who we are, sure money can limit what we physically can do OUT there, but we are always with ourselves here and money cannot decide that relationship. even if a bag of a billion dollars falls from the sky, who you are must not change.

Just as a side note - do not misinterpret this blog, this is about my/our relationshop towards money within us that needs to be first cleared, money on the outside world as it currently exists, control every aspect of our lives and what is happening on this planet, and we can only stand in absolute clarity within changing this world with money and what we have if we stand no matter what within ourselves in clarity as WHO we are and all our relationships towards money and how we have defined ourselves as money and with money and stop that, and thus also laying out the solutions needed in this world more clearly and how to stand as examples for those that takes this path now.

In a follow up blog, I am exploring my own relationship towards money and my relationship with myself as LIFE and doing so within self-forgiveness, the above blog is simply a realization and insight I have placed for myself.

I was once told by an old school friend, Gian, You have a big ego, while this person wasn’t looking at me with a smiley face, it was more of a concerned and disgust face, but in micro expressions almost, because it was a friend and the friend didn’t want to “insult” me, so to say.

So my first impression was, EGO means, when someone thinks a lot of or about themselves, as in general, everyone thinks about themselves and only themselves, but if you have an ego, then you think a LOT about or of yourself.

After this friend said those words to me, I was a bit angry, because I could not properly distinguish between him and me and why only I have a BIG ego, the main reason for my anger was, because I did not actually understand the word ego, I assumed what ego means due to the moment we had, I was talking about girls and parties and so on, which included me a lot, and my friend was talking about girls differently, he was more the romantic type, and I was more the player type as I can recall, so my way of talking about “girl’s” was insulting to him in a way, and thus he reacted and said to me I have a Big ego, basically only thinking about myself.

After this interaction, I walked away and I was now concerned about this ego thing, in fact I didn’t know how personal I took it till later on the same day, I was thinking about this ego thing so much that I built up more and more anger towards my friend saying I have a big ego, my back chat started running where I would think things like, “how can you say I am only thinking about myself, any guy in this world wants sex and no matter how you play the game it Is ALL about yourself, the male, the sex, I simply approached it less intimately and more in a cold way, so the separation part is easier for both.

I basically reacted to my friend saying what he is doing is all about the “girl” yet he knows as a guy as ME that it is never about the girl, the girl has what the man wants, simple.

So I created a grudge towards this friend, but secretly, in fact I made it my goal to PROOF to this friend that what he is doing as a “romantic guy” that his way is still JUST a game and nothing different from mine, and thus also EGO because it is only about HIM and HIS wants/desires.

As the days in school went by, I obviously interacted with this friend normally, but whenever I got the opportunity, I would say things to him to “test” his mind and where it is, very subtly, I will say things that only me “type” and ego will like, and not his romantic type, but I said the things I did in such a clever way that I could show him that he is no different.

For example, I would go sit next to this friend that has now labeled me as a BIG EGO guy because I talk about women as sex objects, where he does not do those things because he is so much better and mature and apparently has a deeper connection and understand women more and knows it isn’t all about sex and blab bla bla (the mind of a sixteen year old) and I would just sit there, quite next to him, and then I would ask him simple questions, like – what girl do you like? And he would say, no one at the moment, and then I would look at a girl that is walking around on the school grounds that is judged as not so pretty and outcast, and I would point and ask him, do you like that girl? And there, on his face, a face of disgust, the frown, and he would then look at me and say, Gian, why are you asking me this, and I would say, I am just checking if you as a “romantic guy” that do not see girls as just sex objects but that there is more and something emotional apply his rules to any women, or only pretty women, he reacted, stood up and walked away.

See, my point was, I wanted to proof to him that he is full of bullshit and just EGO as well, no matter how pretty he painted the picture in his mind, because if it is about beauty, and that you can only be a romantic to someone that is seen as a “sex symbol” – well, then you are only thinking about yourself and or of yourself in the whole picture, no different than me, I just did it openly.
The story of Ego to be continued.

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Gian Robberts

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that anxiety is the experience of being shit-scared for your own fear – produced for yourself, by yourself – for the reason of scaring yourself to make or not make a decision, so that you can have an excuse as reason why you did NOTHING in spite of the evidence that one should act. - Bernard Poolman