RADIO SHAMBLES

(First posted – 2010 - no longer current, but it is still accurate because history has um…er… repeated itself – Oh, and some have died )

NEWS-NEWS-NEWS!

I don’t know what makes me think of the legendary King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, when I think of the radio authority in Bahrain and the distribution – or not - of frequencies on this friendly – ‘Ich bin eine Bahraini’ island.

‘Must be the non reality of the legend, the ‘Once upon a time’ , the fantasy of it all, I really don’t know. Whoever can pull "Excrementbur" from the stone, gets to rule for a while; then heroically defends and protects from infidels; then goes out and conquers all around as far afield as Never Neverland. Not without the help of trusty Knight Sir Lebalot though and faithful Queen Notalot. Many battles are glorious and victoriously won without contest, except the very last battle in which they are eventually slain and miraculously buried in a non existent grave in an Abbey which millions visit every year to pay homage. And we all live happily ever after. NOT!

As if history repeating itself….. no… history does repeat itself, a new realm of so-called experts pop up and source their cadre from reputed hair dressing salons across the Island and never beyond – and it all starts again – going absolutely nowhere.

STOP! Before I get on my soap. So what else has been happening up on Cedar Hill? Well apart from our Lebanese friends continuing to ""sell dreams"" to the Gulf Arabs, someone convinced someone higher up to open up an new frequency. They didn’t give it to me, despite my continuous lobbying for 400 years.

(To understand this rant if you are from far off places like – er.. Greenland, then you have to read all that goes before – and probably watch a few Youtube videos of Bahraini Parliamentarians complaining about the hiring of a Lebanese barber and friends to run the Radio and Television Corporation.)

FORBIDDEN FRUITS

Still no new ‘independent’ radio yet, although promised no more than 2,592 times. No wait! 2,593 times. Hell, there is not ‘new radio’ at all, but there is a filling of frequency which perhaps should be advertised with the picture of a farmer standing next to a new, fancy dung spreader. Bless! I suspect, although I don’t really know who thought of it, but it might of been an idea, nay the only idea from a good man, a very nice man who cannot be mentioned here, who meant good. Sadly though, ultra deluded, put his faith in a void. I don’t know how much Sir Lebalot had to do with it, but it will never succeed with the present management. Of course, on-line alternatives abound beyond reality, subsidized in most cases by their FM parent, so while we wait for our own bouquet of chancers we can all enjoy the new pastime of………. guessing which half of the world’s web sites have been banned. The ‘UK Lottery’ is one, but it comes and goes.

Since Bahrain really hit the headlines for all the wrong reasons in 2011, web site access has improved as much as it has become restricted. At least now, if one Googles Bahrain, there is plenty to read. Whether many noticed at the time, the holier than thou ‘Bahrain Fair’ got whacked, but by the time you complain or explain, the Fair has long gone. Maybe someone on the hill thought they might be selling those Chinese gossamer film hymen kits that squirt a little red dye as she screams ‘OH GOD"!!! Of course, shhh! We know why. There must be a tab that reads; "ABOUT BAHRAIN" and contained within is an innocent description of the lovely people of this sand dune and their leanings. Great for Tourism isn’t it? A corporation, a tour company or whatever, so proudly puts up a web site and a tab; ‘about Bahrain’ and you click on it and there is no content. I have actually seen this on some Government sites and always wondered why it contains um! er! ‘nothing’. That in itself leaves stacks of material for the comedians.

Where was I? Oh yeah! ‘Debbie Does Duraz’ (A village in Bahrain) type highly educational sites are classified just the same way, so without tricks, you ‘aint gonna get off on it. Even ‘Google Translate’ gets whacked at times, so you cannot look up words like ‘imbecile’, to find a suitable description for the bigots who insist of this pointless exercise. I don’t believe it, I KNOW IT… You make something mysterious and more want to know. Besides, banning something is a very very good way to recruit followers.

ONE MAN SACK RACE

It is often so hard to fathom or even believe the perceived solutions some of these vacant administrators come up with. Orbit Satellite channel is now Showtime and the Showtime Network is now Orbit and branded under the stunningly creative name ‘OSN’ (Orbit Showtime Network) . I bet nobody can guess what that means. Creative genius! (At least the unbelievably named ‘MTC’ [Mobile Telephone Company] eventually filled their lobotomy hole and came up with ‘Zain’, which predominantly means ‘good’ in Arabic). How OSN managed to persuade those on the hill to sweep and kill millions and millions of IP addresses in order to ban just one or two used by three or four naughty boys who give out ‘Dreambox’ codes is dubiously dodgy to say the least. I don’t care what the weirdest of nerd or nun says in its defense; IT SLOWS DOWN OUR INTERNET to a stand still at times – let alone block zillions of legitimate sites. All because of a bunch of privileged opportunists losing a few dollars of their billions. If OSN gave back to the community, produced quality ‘original’ local material or even financed or nurtured the art in any miniscule way, I and millions of others might have a grain of sympathy. Seemingly dominated by Lebanese operators with Saudi money, I am pretty sure we can find a few hypocritical ethics slithering around the surface. I loathe the BBC, which has been nicknamed the ‘Bombay Broadcasting Corporation’, but there is no denying it has consistently contributed to the creative arts; probably second only to Murdoch’s Fox Network.

YOU SHOW ME YOURS’ AND I’LL SHOW YOU MINE

Funny enough, I heard a good line today from my good Bahraini in-the-know friend and confidant while talking about the Lebanese onslaught. He too, said that they (Lebanese) are somehow brilliant at selling dreams to the Arabs, but then you wake up; outside your house – naked.

Ostensibly showing some action on the hill among what must be a growing lobby of complaints, one of the old frequencies which used to carry news feeds is being turned into a pop ‘Youth station’ (launch February 15th, 2010). So do we have Sir Lebalot and brethren against brethren, because for sure they have more than a couple of hands in it , but are fronting it as Bahraini. That is the story today, but how someone can set up a real radio station with ”””new””’ DJ’s (from where) and get everything organized in 2 weeks is pretty spectacular. Oh but then, Bahrain is bursting at the seams with creative ultra professional talent, or deluded, so we are led to believe. But that is what is happening and they are selling radio advertising space already. By the way, if you are over nine and half years old, you will be banned from listening.

‘Al Shabab’ FM (Youth in Arabic) was designed primarily to counteract ‘Group Plus’ who are the current monopoly running the monopoly, legally destroying an entire industry, rendering all competition and fair trading totally extinct. Oh don’t worry, if Al Shabab lasts (I cannot see it myself), as new administrations come, it will surely get swallowed by Group Plus or their mentor as incompetence and palms prevail. Why again I have such thoughts I really cannot fathom, but the quaint old English phrase ‘Honour among thieves’ comes to mind, but obviously takes on a new twist here, Besides, when this heinous contract is up in 2012, it will be renewed without objections being considered, or even heard and our cedars will NOT leave that on off the new contract.

Krazy Kevin is not only on the English 95.6, I have heard him on the Hindi channel as well. Could he be doing a filler on Youth too? I wonder, is David Bloomer (he who was snatched in a dingy type yacht thing and sent to entertain the troops in Iran recently) looking for a spinning spot back? With his new found notoriety and his challenging music choice this could be a scoop for the new channel. They will have to contract him and pay him handsomely as all famous stars enjoy – and he is ‘famous now’ – he’s been mentioned outside of Bahrain. So Dave, settle for nothing less than a 3 year contract and a total package of Four Million Lebanese Pounds (if they ask).

To the current regime this represents CHANGE!!!!!!!!! There has to be change. It is like the old tasteless wartime concentration camp jokes. "Today is underwear changing day! (Loud cheer). Block 13 will change underwear with block 14"

Alas, this new station will emulate Radio Sawah it seems, except perhaps the heavier and no doubt more prolific M.Fkr content?