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"I'm Not Trolling," Hisses Gollum Bush

Elaine Meinel Supkis

I took the news photo of Bush snarling, "I wasn't trolling" and drew his face exactly as it was in the photo. He is correct about not being a troll. He is Gollum in the Lord of the Rings. And he has the Ring of Power.

President Bush said Thursday the government is "not mining or trolling through the personal lives of millions of innocent Americans" with a reported program to create a massive database of U.S. phone calls.

"Our efforts are focused on links to al Qaeda and their known affiliates," Bush said. "The privacy of ordinary Americans is fiercely protected in all our activities.

Obviously, Bush is no Gimli the Dwarf so he couldn't be mining. Nor is he an orc. Orcs at least work hard at night, they can do long marches and die in battle without complaining unlike this clown.

No, Bush is Smeagol/Gollum. He fits like a glove. He likes to catch fisssshes. He runs around, pointlessly. Can't sit still for even five minutes. He hates people. Yessss. Precious. Gollum. Poor W.

He talks funny, too. Even orcs when drunk make some sense. They speak a common language. And forget the Nazguls. They are like Chertoff. Every time Chertoff comes into the cave to tell Bush/Gollum what the next terror plans are, poor Bush's hands hurt and his eyes cry, Precioussss. He has to run off to the pond and catch another fisssssh. Yessss.

When Smeagol/W was a young sprat, he wanted to be brave like Frodo only he couldn't. Poor Smeagol/W! Cruel Vietnamese. We hates them. We run from them. We want to throttle them, yesss, Precious.

Poor Smeagol had to hide for three years. During that time, he took drugs and ran around chasing females. Poor Smeagol. Then he had to lie about it all. Yesss.

So here we are, Gollum got the Ring of Power. And he commands the Nazgul and he rules over much of Middle East Earth and everyone hates him, poor f...king Smeagol! They want to kill him. They are fighting him all the time and making fun of him, even the orcs in the Tower laugh at him as he scuttles around in the dark like a human cockroach.

Recently, the Tower Uruk Hai threw the Gollum Super Secret Travel Plans with those nasty Hobbits in the trash can! Why any elf could have walzed by and picked them up! Luckily, it was a lower level slave who returned them only he couldn't get inside the Tower so he gave the plans to Galadriel who published them online. So now poor Smeagol has to explain yet another FUBAR.

We'ssss hates them.

So now the Great Gollum has to explain why he spies on everyone. See, when Smeagol was a little boy, he spied on his ugly mom. She kicked him out of the hole so he went into the Cocaine Mountains and got trashed. While there, he found a Ring that made him invisible. So even if people see him they can't see him! Thanks to the media who pretends he isn't there when he is and vis versa, he managed to lurk around and kill people and eat babies.