Wednesday, March 14, 2007

A junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed."The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"The student replied, "Here's an orange."The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. "Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

- "Have you heard about the object-oriennted way to become wealthy?"- "No..."- "Inheritance."

If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL.If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT.If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL.If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE.

In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.

C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object to tie it to.

With C you can shoot yourself in the leg. With C++ you can reuse the bullet.

Unix is user friendly. It's just very particular about who it's friends are.

Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug.

If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

Monday, March 12, 2007

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... No."

"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheel chair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was cut off.

"Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea ..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "... And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?"

Sunday, March 11, 2007

(Note for dummies : Chuck Norris : a martial arts professional and an action star)

1. Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he simply stares the book down till he gets the information he wants.

2. Chuck Norris was the first one to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life.

3. Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

4. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be onlyseconds away from death.

5. Why did the chicken cross the road? It was trying to run away from Chuck Norris.

6. Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris

7. Franklin D. Roosevelt once said "There is nothing to fear but fear itself ... and Chuck Norris"

8. Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

9. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

10. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

11. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light ... not because he’s afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

12. Chuck Norris invented the spoon only to the fact that killing somebody with a knife is too easy.

13. God said let there be light and Chuck Norris said "Say Please".

14. Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups, he pushes the earth down.

15. Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. ... Okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. ... Okay, Windows does that too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. ... Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. ... Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

Top ten excuses for not doing the math homework Rank 24 (ø 2,52 )1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.2. Isaac Newton's birthday.3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.4. I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.8. I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.9. I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.10. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" the doctor queries."No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"