Dee glanced around the sandy, desert-ey area with random rock outcroppings jutting high into the sky. How she got here was up for debate... it seemed like something she would have remembered, and her memory was about as close to perfect as was humanly possible.

But no matter.

Really, what was more concerning was what looked like an exact duplicate of herself standing about 20 feet in front of her. Same urban camo fatigue pants, same white t-shirt with "your car sucks." printed on it in black letters, same badass boots, same carbon fiber hand poking out the right sleeve of a slightly oversized motorcycle jacket, same auburn hair cut to above her shoulders. She even wore the same quizzical expression Dee knew she used when confronted with something new. The only real difference she could see was a stylized "E" in the middle of her forehead.

"Huh," they both commented in unison, then snickered. "Okay," Dee said. "So, you're me, but with an E on you. So... cinematic evil twin thing?"

"Yup, pretty much. I guess you could call me Evil Dee or something."

"Fuck, that's too long to say. How about I call you Ed for short?" Evil Dee winced.

"Yeah, how about not. Cowboy Bebop aside, that still sounds like an overweight balding white guy. How about Eee?"

"Sure, that works. So, evil... what's that like?"

"Meh, what's it like to not be?"

"Okay, point taken. You still like anime and stuff?"

"Hell, I'm evil, but I'm still *YOU*. Don't get to watch much though."

"Oh well, that sucks... you see Last Exile?"

"Nope... heard it was pretty good. I'm supposed to destroy you utterly and stuff, but..."

"Hey, that can wait..." Dee pulledt an Inflato-Bunker[tm] out of her back pocket, dropped it on the ground, and pulled the rip cord. The yellow bunker popped into existence, and both she and Eee walked inside.

"Wow, it's really a lot bigger in here than it looks on the outside."

"Yeah, cool trick, huh? Wait until you see the TV..."

*12 hours pass*

"Whoa, that really was good," Eee muttered. Both she and Dee were in La-Z-Boy (but not Of Doom[tm], the budget not permitting it) recliners, surrounded by a pile of Jolt cans.

"Hey, I told you." They were quiet for a moment. "So I suppose we have to do the fight scene now?"

"Yup, sorry... it's kinda required."

"Man..." They both got up and wandered outside. The contrast between the size of the room with the TV... hell, the TV itself and the outside of the Inftlato-Bunker[tm] was obvious, but really that was just a remarkable use of available space. Dee opened up the inflator nozzle and let the air out, then folded up the bunker and put it back in her back pocket. Eee took 20 paces away and turned and faced her.

"So, this is it."

"Yup, pretty much. Hey! I just thought of something."

"Oh?"

"Yeah... instead of doing this whole goddamned cliche mirror match shit that was stupid back when the grand high muckety mucks did it in Phoenix... why don't we just do rock paper scissors or something?"

"Hey, that's not a bad idea. Okay, when you're ready..." The two almost entirely identical techies stared fiercely at each other, the intensity of their glares sending an almost eletric current through the air. A tumble weed rolled across the ground between them.

"Jan! Ken!" they shouted, pumping their carbon fiber composite right arms in unison.

"Hah! Rock beats scissors!"

"Best two out of three! Jan! Ken! Hah, excavator beats rock!"

"Three out of five! Jan! Ken! Hah, close air support beats excavator!"

"Oh to hell with this," Dee growled. "Is it too late to do the cliche fight thing?"

"No, it's not. Really, that worked about as well as I expected. Rrrrauuurgh!" Eee screamed as she closed her eyes and arched her back. Dee imitated her, and around both of them a faint energy aura started flaring, more and more brightly. Rocks and gravel started rising into the air, and then both of their auras flashed to golden brightness, as both of the diminutive girls' auburn hair turned bright yellow and glowy, in addition to growing three feet and standing straight up.

"On the next exciting episode of Dee BZ..." a deep voice interrupted as time stopped in the scene.

"What the fuck!?!" Dee screamed as she sat up in bed, breathing rapidly. She blinked a few times, looked around her room and waved her hands over her head. Reassured that she had not in fact sprouted three feet of anime hair, she let herself fall back into her bed.

"Min, what the hell did I eat last night? I just had a goddamned weird dream..."

Joined: 08 Apr 2004Posts: 180Location: California, the land of fruits and nuts

Posted: Wed Jun 08, 2005 10:08 pm Post subject:

bwah! I love the rock paper scissors game. %)

-kat_________________the one and only truly amazing katster * the so-called admin
she who wears too many hats
"et lux in tenebris lucet et tenebrae eam non conprehenderunt" --John 1:5
"these are the days of miracle and wonder" -Paul Simon, "The Boy in the Bubble"

"This is either madness, or brilliance."
"It's funny how often those two traits coincide."

*laughter*_________________Mors Principium Est
Remember... PILLAGE before you BURN!
“Usually I ask only two questions- what are we dealing with and how do I kill it."
Everything I know I learned from killing smart people and eating their brains

Dee and Eee stand facing each other, powerposing in the middle of their respective yellow fireballs of allmighty energy, occasionally grunting and having pointless internal monologues! Isn't this exciting!? Couldn't you watch this for another hundred episodes and have it turn into a fandom that sweeps the globe with merchandise?!? OMGLOL!

Finally, Eees and Dees respective auras flash to a new level of brightness and size! Dee's already ridiculously oversized glowy anime hair sprouts another half foot of length, then shifts into an afro the size of a beachball. Eees hair just continues its spikey anime style lengthening, save for one new addition.

"Shut up! Shut up!" Eee yelled. "Do you have any idea how much a pain in the ass it is to shave this damned thing off every morning?" This remark prompted another round of laughter from Dee.

*elsewhere*

"Hey... I wonder if there's some sort of titanic battle going on with Dee," Min casually commented. Mal frowned in concentration, putting his wisdom and experience into solving this latest problem.

"Nah," he replied, filling in another spot on the crossword puzzle and taking a sip of his coffee. "Dee sprouting world-smashing powers and getting into a fight for the future of the Earth? That'd just be stupid." He took another sip of his coffee as a blazing yellow human-sized fireball crashed through one wall of his office and out the other side, followed almost instantly by a second one. Casually picking a few pieces of plaster out of his coffee, he consulted the crossword again.

"HAH!" shouted Eee, as she threw Dee through the office building, then flew after her in a blaze of yellow fire.

"IS THAT THE BEST YOU'VE GOT?!" Dee replied in her outdoors voice as she parried Eees flurry of blows and headbutted the evil twin.

"FOOL! THAT IS ONLY A TENTH OF MY POWER!" Eee replied in an overly dramatic fashion as she renewed her attacks, the blows coming in faster than the eye could follow. Dee alternated between parrying and returning blows, each of the two suffering occasional punches that slipped through their defenses, the sound of fists being deflected by arms or thudding into torsos sounding like machinegun fire... only meatier. At an unspoken signal, they broke the melee and teleported a dozen yards apart with a prouned ZWEE!

"As have you..." Dee replied. "But let's see you handle... THIS!" she continued as she underhanded a softball sized fireball at Eee. Eee dodged and flung her own series, which Dee in turn dodged, and both of them flew forth like comets, occasionally coming close enough to throw blows at each other, but mostly just trading fireballs to no real effect.

"ENOUGH OF THIS!" Eee shouted and again at some unspoken signal both of them came to a stop and dropped into a heavily stereotyped pose, energy glowing from the palms of their hands. Both screamed something ending with a "HAME HA!", the first two syllables obscured by a censorship bleep in order to prevent the completely original and totally kewl action sequence from being a source of lawsuits, but perhaps being "KAME" or "NABE", it being hard to tell. The result was the same though, with each of the twin girls shooting forth an energy blast the size of a beach ball, with a trailing beam the size of a tree trunk. The energy balls met and collided, both of the girls grunting with effort as they fueled more of their energy or life force or chi or whatever into it... but finally there was a bright flash that momentarily obscured the scene.

"You know, that just sucked," Dee commented, now clad in a black trenchcoat, black sunglasses and black pants as she pulled a pair of pistols out of her giant golden afro.

"It really did... whose idea was that anyway?" Eee replied, hair back to its normal neck length auburn and similarily clad, though with her pair of pistols already out.

"Damfino... oh well." As the camera panned back to Dee, we see tha ther hair too is back to normal, though she didn't sport the nattily trimmed goatee of Eee. A tumbleweed drifted across the area between the two, and then Eee opened fire. Dee ducked the first bullets in Ultra Marketable Slow Motion[tm] and then dodged behind a concrete column that appeared for no reason in the middle of the desert, the rest of Eee's salvo digging furrows in it instead of her body. Dee flipped her right hand gun into the air, snaked a hand under her trenchcoat and withdrew a grenade, which she pulled the pin on with her teeth and threw out in Eee's general direction before catching her SIG P210. Eee dodged the immediate blast effects of the grenade, but was forced to take a Leet Acrobatic Slow Motion Backflip Dodge[tm] as Dee did a shoulder roll out from behind the pillar and came up shooting. Eee managed to find cover as Dee finished unloading her guns and ducked behind the column again, and both ejected the empty magazines from their pistols and quickly reloaded.

"Let's just finish this," Eee yelled. "It's geting ridiculous." With that, both of them sprinted out from behind cover, guns firing in OMG Sweet Bullet Time[tm] with CG trails through the air and everything. Each ran up their respective invisible wall, and then upsidedown on the ceiling in a corkscrew, exposing the fact that the level design was using a primitive engine with horizon colored walls and ceiling, and finally ran into grips with each other, both holding guns to the other's head as they fell to the ground.

"You're out," one said, glancing at the slide locked back on the other's pistol.

"Just on that one," she replied.

"Oh shi..." the first started to reply, only to be cut off by the sound of a final gunshot.

***

"So, that's what happened." Mal just nodded at the girl on the other side of his desk as a contractor applied stucco over the patch needed to repair the hole in his wall.

"So, in the end, you killed her." There was a nod. "There's just one problem though..."

"Oh?"

"Stubble, Eee," Mal commented with a gesture at her chin.

"Oh... damn."

"Ah well, whatever... just do a better job shaving, I kinda doubt anyone will be able to tell the difference."

[03:54] <KillJoy_> Hey, you can't kill yourself off!
[03:54] <Dee> Why not?
[03:55] <KillJoy_> ... because you're my character, dammit. You writing fic about yourself is weird enough...
[03:55] <Dee> ... if anyone was going to kill my character off, why shouldn't it be me? Besides, it was a really out-of-continuity story.
[03:56] <KillJoy_> That's not the point... you live in *my* head, you're not supposed to go and do weird shit like that on your own.
[03:56] <Dee> To hell with that... if I'm not supposed to go and do things on my own, then why do I have my own account?
[03:56] <KillJoy_> Because I thought it'd be funny?
[03:57] <Dee> Well, sure. But now you're going and talking to me on IRC... how weird is that?
[03:57] <KillJoy_> You still shouldn't go and kill your character... you're one of the few I've made that doesn't irritate the hell out of me.
[03:58] <Dee> Dude, it's an out of continuity story! I mean hell, like I could really do all that DBZ shite.
[03:58] <KillJoy_> Well, there's Deliah...
[03:58] <Dee> Okay, we both know she's a headcase. Don't worry about it, I've got something planned anyway.
[03:59] <KillJoy_> *groan* Not another Excel Saga reference...
[03:59] <Dee> Shhh... there might have been one or two out there who wouldn't catch it...
[03:59] <KillJoy_> ... fine, do whatever you want. I'm going to bed.