The Crapbox...Comic books found in the quarter bin or half-off store or the bargain box. The good, the bad and the really ugly. Get ready for a surprise. Updates EVERY Friday and Monday until the Crapbox runs dry. (never happen)

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

While
literally taking it on the chin, ThunderCats cough up a nasty looking hairball

ThunderCats
was a 1985 Rankin/Bass Produced animated series that spun off toys and comics
galore. The design for the ThunderCats was provided by Pacific Animation
Corporation, a collective of Japanese studios that included the soon-to-be
Studio Ghibli. Following the He-Man mold, The TV series was produced for
syndication with a whopping 65 episodes in its first season. ThunderCats was
another big bet that paid off.

ThunderCats
got the go-ahead because the prior series idea, LighteningDogs, didn’t meet
with test market approval. If ThunderCats had flopped in test markets,
Rankin/Bass would have had to go with one of their third tier ideas: either
PartlyCloudy-TurningCoolerParakeets or ScatteredShowersMice. (Sorry, I couldn’t
resist.)

*Ahem!* So the animated
series got a feature length movie in 1986 and 20 episodes each for seasons 2, 3
and 4 before finally losing its ninth life.

As for toy figures, a company by
the name of LJN produced various lines of 7 inch (more or less) figures from
1985 until the series end in 1987. Each figure had weapons and an “action”
feature of some kind. Like Lion-O’s head would light up when you pressed a
special ring into his back. LJN’s consistency in detail on the line of figures
was rather suspect, leaving a lot of modern collectors complaining about which
version of a figure is “correct” or “best”.

Other ThunderCats merchandise
released included a board game, TV trays, lunchboxes, apparel and a couple of
comic book runs.

The first
comic run took place at the same time as the first TV series. Marvel put the book out
and it got a nice 2-year run. In the UK, Marvel had better success, birthing a
series that ran 129 issues over a three year period. After disappearing in 1987, DC’s
Wildstorm took over the license in 2002, releasing several minis and one-shots
in 2003. Notably the ThunderCats got a crossover with Superman and Battle of the Planets. A
five issue mini series stated in 2003 as well and from the looks of issue 0, it
had some troubles right from the start.

To begin
with, the zero issue was penciled by J. Scott Campbell. Campbell is best known for being the
co-creator of Gen13 and Danger Girl. I’ve read the Danger Girl series, and Campbell’s art in it is
right on target. Mainly because he’s drawing exaggerated feminine figures in
tight fitting clothes. It’s sexist but it is well drawn.

Not so with ThunderCats
0.

Campbell’s
style makes many of the ThunderCats look garishly ugly. His tendency to distort
the facial characteristics on males makes for many key scenes with our heroes
looking oddly misshapen. I noticed he did the same thing in Danger Girl, but
only to the villains. Here he uses that ability to make the ThunderCats look
worse than any ancient mummy or freakish mutant. Take a look at Lion-O on the
cover up there to see what I’m talking about.

At least Campbell was only slated
to pencil the zero issue. That makes his problem solved when Ed McGuinness
takes up the chore in issue 1 as the regular on the title. A more pressing
concern is writer Ford Lytle Gilmore. Granted his zero issue makes it hard to
judge how he would do in a long-term story arc. The issue is short, with most
of the back half going to pinups by various artists and a few words from the
author. It’s these brief paragraphs that get me worried. Tell me what sounds
odd about the following excerpt. Pay special attention to the bolded
statements:

“The heroes
did all this martial arts fighting,
and each of them had their own special
weapon. Moreover, the cats were specifically adept at hand-to-hand combat
and each had their own special weapons
which they used in battling their enemies – as a kid in the 80s, these were
like super-cool ninjas, giant cat-men with nunchucks, flashbombs, and all sorts
of other cool weapons. I knew
whenever I’d come home from school and turn on the cartoons, I’d see tons of
awesome action and fighting.”

There’s
something awkward about the above sentence structure. I can’t quit put my
finger on it. If I read it all the way through, I suddenly imagine Gilmore
talking in an oriental accent. Maybe the run-on sentence in the middle or the
fact that use of a Thesaurus is optional. Definitely the odd focusing on the
weapons right down to the identical phraseology is kind of off-putting. I
wouldn’t worry so much about these five pages, except this is the writer of the
book. And you know, a writer should be good with making the word stuff go good in
the order that sounds like it’s good scripted. Hell, now he’s got me doing it.

As for
Gilmore’s actual story in this issue, it is one-ply tissue paper thin. Basically WilyKat and Lion-O sit on a log and talk. WilyKat wants a weapon
just like the other ThunderCats and he gives an example of each character using
their various talents via flashback. The issue ends with Mumm-Ra having been
privy to this conversation and believing he can use WilyKat’s desire in his
upcoming plans. So essentially nothing happens. Nothing except some decently
drawn panels sitting next to some terrible atrocities. Take a look at Lion-O’s
musculature and lumpy hand in this panel.

I know they
are suppose to be cats. I get that he’s wearing that claw/shield thingy. Buy
why are his arms like massive clouds of mashed potatoes again? I’d love for
this to be my only problem with the book, this “worked out at the gym too much”
body problem. Unfortunately Campbell
has that “face” issue showing up on page 2. Meet Lion-O and the Joker’s love
child.

That huge
chin is wholly a Campbell
addition. For reference, here’s what Lion-O should look like:

Astoundingly,
the elongated chin is reduced in the next panel. This time the combination of it,
the facial expression and the massive biceps/quadriceps he’s sporting makes
Lion-O look like a cross between Ronald McDonald and Hulk Hogan.

The basic
premise up to this point is WilyKat wants a sword like Lion-O’s. So he proceeds
to tell him how important each ThunderCat’s weapon (uh oh) is by virtue of
flashbacks. First up is Panthro, who would have been lost without his
BattleSticks. Panthro starts the battle looking close to his animated
incarnation.

But by the
ending panel has morphed into a hideous blue-gray demon-beast. It’s like Campbell was trying to
draw the Green Goblin from the SpiderMan series. The worst part of this is the
lack of consistency between two panels.

Moving right
along, WilyKat relates a story where Tygra and Cheetara stole some kind of
bracelet from Castle Plun-Darr…wait! Seriously, who names a castle a pun on the
word "plunder." It’s like naming your car “Wrecked” or your cat “Dogmeat”. I know
it’s from the series, I’m just saying that it’s not right.

Anyway, since
we have one of the few female ThunderCats being shown I fully expected Campbell to pull his
usual oversized boobs, wasp waist, posed for sex pin-up model panel. He shows
remarkable restraint instead.

She looks
pretty normal. Normal for a Campbell
comic anyway. Her waist looks like she’s corseted under that unitard, but she’s
not flashing her butt, boobs or va-jay-jay at us. Maybe he’s trying to keep
this an all-ages book. For that I’ll applaud him and his giant chin drawings. Sadly
Tygra is getting the Campbell
chin treatment in the few panels he’s visible. What is up with this guy and
male lower jawlines? Just as I’m getting used to the non-porn Cheetara, suddenly
Campbell throws
me a shot that makes me double-take.

Right there! BOOB!
Huge BOOB! Wait! That’s no boob. I’ve got a bad feeling about this. Chewie get
us out of here! Campbell
draws Cheetara’s knee in the exact same position as a giant hooter would rest.
I think I even see a little nipple on that knee. Now I’m torn on whether I can
recommend this book to children or not. All because of one knee/knocker. With a
nipple. Oh they beat the bad guys, but not before Tygra’s chin stretches out
again.

Heck, they’ve
even stolen some of the Joker’s backgrounds for that panel. Gah! Last up is
Lion-O’s final battle with Mumm-Raa. He makes his sword grow and then attacks
him. What’s up with the totally phallic imagery of having Lion-O’s sword get
bigger when he fights people? Are they trying to say that he gets off sexually
by hurting others? Anyway, this is suppose to be from the tv series season
finale, but I don’t think it’s a faithful reproduction.

Did the
network censors really let Lion-O impale the bad guy? If so, glove clap to
them. Not that Mumm-Raa seems that deserving of the fate, just thanks for
letting a cartoon character with a sword actually connect with another
character. Most of the time they use their steel cutting up scenery, breaking
enemies various weapons and brandishing the blade menacingly. Good show, Cat-dude.
Too bad Campbell
had to screw up your victory scene with this picture of your mug. Lion-O, you
look worse that Mumm-Raa. And he’s been dead for thousands of years.

WilyKit finds
the boys now and breaks up her brother’s ramblings about wanting a sword.
Meanwhile Mumm-Raa has been watching all of this transpire and makes some plans
while wringing his hands and twirling his mustache simultaneously. This issue
is a zero in all ways that count. A story that really isn’t, artwork that
exposes the limitations of the artist instead of playing to his strengths and
the final 8 pages pin-ups by better artists surrounded by the ramblings of
what appears to be an 13-year-old fan.

ThunderCats
writer Gilmore did a couple of other series after the 'cats wrapped
up. Other writers handled the crossovers and few one-shots. DVDs of ThunderCats
were released about three years ago and are still being produced. A reboot tv series in 2011 wasn't as successful although praised by reviewers, bringing in only 26 episodes before it was dumped into the litter box.If you want a
fix of Lion-O and crew, I suggest you “ThunderCats HO!” yourself over to Amazon
instead of cruising the comic bargain bins. What you find in the cheap longboxes may need to be
put to sleep.

Monday, April 25, 2016

We've
already visited a bit about Revolutionary Comics and their claim to fame by leeching off the success of bands and sports personalities. However, the
Crapbox doesn't appear to be through with them just yet. This time we are
working on a property created by the late founder of Revolutionary himself,
Todd Loren.

Coming
from a company that sold mostly unauthorized biographies and could not even
secure a proper distribution channel, a superhero comic of any kind should
raise some eyebrows. I mean this must be something special, right?

Lucky
for us writer/owner Todd Loren was around to explain how Psychoman would operate
under different rules than we were used to:

I
love this concept. Too bad that Loren fails in his execution of a few key rules. He does so
starting with the second page of the comic book. What do I mean? Let me show
you:

So
we are going to skip over all the volumes of philosophy written refuting the
existence of a supreme being and just go with "there is one." If this
is going where I think it's going…

That's
reality for you.

God makes Kevin a super strong mutant. Scratch rule Number 3:
No basis in fact and makes no sense. Kevin gets a whole host of superpowers and
none of them can be explained by "he's a mutant" in any realm other
than the Marvel Universe. Oh, that means scratch rule Number 7: Copying the
Marvel way.

I'm
still game. Still up to see what Todd Loren will do with his superpowered
teenager. Looking for him to fulfill the promise of those words on page one.

Kevin
goes to tell his roommate that he broke the wall with his alarm clock. His
roommate has no interest in him and cusses him out. Kevin tries to repeat the
trick and then decides to take off after blasting a hole in the wall with a
thrown baseball.

Next
he walks along the beach in San Diego, talking to himself and creating a public
nuisance with his newfound powers.

Let's
start a tally shall we? This will all go against rule Number 9: Not exploring
positive things a superhero could do with their powers. Strike one –
destruction of public property.

Seeing
as how this might get him in trouble, Kevin decides that his grab bag of powers
will come with flight. Leaping into the air, he finds he is right. Because
mutation and science and God and many, many believable things. Believable by
Todd Loren at least.

Also
notice the cussword. You're going to see that a lot over the next few pages.
Because saying bad words is one of the positive things that we never see
superheroes doing.

His
skills at flight aren't all that and he crashes into a police officer
patrolling the beach front. He properly recognizes the trouble Kevin is causing
and attempts to arrest him. But resisting arrest is one of the OTHER positive
things a superhero can do with their powers. Strike two for Rule 9, in other
words.

And
as he zooms off, Kevin cusses. SUCH a good role model.

He
broods for a bit on top of a building before coming to the brilliant conclusion
that he can use these powers to score with the ladies. Kevin could be Superman,
but instead he just wants to get laid. It would be sad if it were true, but
these characters don’t…wait for it…act like real people. Bye, bye, rule Number
6.

I
suppose to Todd Loren this seems like what he and his buddies might do if they
gained superpowers at age 19, but for most of us we wouldn't be flying around
breaking things and yelling cuss words. Or at least I hope we wouldn't.

But
back to Kevin the super-powered idiot. At a loss for what to do, he decides to
fly to impress her. This just freaks her out and she runs home. It's sort of
like a Criss Angel thing, I suppose, only gone completely wrong. Kevin has no
choice but…

…to
follow her like some creepy stalker-serial killer. He leaves when he can't
figure out which apartment she went into, but seriously, this is NOT acting
like a real person (unless you are a stupid real person) nor is it exploring
the "very positive things" a superpowered individual could do. Strike
three rule Number 9, you are out!

But
it gets BETTER. And by better I mean worse of course. First Kevin heads back to
the beach. He's got a huge chip on his shoulder and some anger issues.

I
am glad we rested the case on Number 9 already because, Dude! Not cool!. Kevin
flies around buzzing people and screaming curse words at them. I'll take a
supervillain any day over someone like Kevin gaining superpowers. I mean, the
guy's an enormous dick.

To
prove that point, this is Kevin's roommate, a FRIEND of Kevin's.

If
that's how he treats a friend that he lives with, I'd hate to see how he treats
people he dislikes. I mean act civil to people in your life, dude. You chose
him as a friend, so be friendly to him. The only asshat here is YOU!

And
again in mid-flight this idea comes up again. I mean, it's not surprising that
a loser like Kevin who thinks of women as "babes" and
"chicks" would get absolutely no play from any woman. But it is sad
to watch a story about a guy who is so hard up to get laid that he can get the
powers of flight and super-strength and STILL the only thing he can think of is
getting some.

I
like how this young lady already knows the score on him. Local "village
idiot," indeed. So he flies around a bit and attracts a crowd. And this
happens when he lands.

I
feel all these people's vibe. If some jerk walked around saying "F'
You" to everyone on the street, certainly he wouldn't get any respect.
Kevin is a horrible character and a horrible person. I wish there were super
villains on this planet, because I would root for them to beat the living tar
out of "Psycho-man."

Whoa!
I guess KEVIN is our super villain. No cause for this one at all. If you can't
take what someone is saying, learn to be the bigger person. Violence is not a
solution. Because now Kevin just might be…

..guilty
of murder. At the very least that was aggravated assault, but even then, KEVIN
is now a walking, talking weapon. So maybe more like assault with a deadly
weapon. Whatever the charge, I now am actively rooting for Kevin to die. And it
really isn't a surprise when people act like this around him.

Kevin
had a marvelous gift that he has pissed away. Also I'm mad at this
"God" character too. Why give the good stuff to random assholes who
won't appreciate it and see it for the responsibility that it is? I suppose the
answer is if he did this book would be just like the ones Marvel makes. Maybe
they make them that way because we can like and root for their heroes?

Like
the unsympathetic asshole that he is, Kevin runs. Or rather Kevin flies. He has
no compassion or moral center about him, nor is he inclined to find one. Tip to
folks like Todd Loren, if you don't make your main character have any traits that the
audience will find likeable, they will tend to lose interest in them and
actively root for their destruction.

So
far we've also seen the same gimmick over and over: Kevin being a jerk and
running away from the law. Bang! Bang! Rule Number 10.

Also
Bang! Bang! on Kevin. Appears he isn't bulletproof. Which makes this story all
the sweeter.

We’ve
also learned that violence is the answer to a verbal confrontation, that if you
gain the power to fly you should dive bomb strangers while cussing at them, and
the most important thing in life is getting laid. NONE of which teaches
relevant lessons to the reading audience. Adios, rule Number 8. Heck the one
lesson that is good in the book so far is cribbed from Spider-Man's origin.
Again down with rule Number 7.

This
book is a big FAIL by its own standards.

The
fact that it isn't funny, but instead creepy and quite off-putting means
another rule bites the dust. Bye, bye rule Number 4.

So
far three rules remain: no costumes, no secret identities and no supervillains.
The barest veneer of showing anything new to a comic audience. While those
never get broken, they are hardly ground-breaking rules.

Kevin
tries to go home to parents that are just as rude and disrespectful as he is.
He throws their TV through the wall and leaves. I'm going to pass on all the
subplots setup for next time with the exception of the last one. Kevin sees a
way to make money using his superpower in a newspaper headline about a
religious preacher. Possibly because his brain only sees this as a way to pick
up women or feed his other ambitions. Anyway, he makes it back to the west
coast and hooks up with a religious cult lead by a woman named Terry Winsdor.

Terry
is smarter than this book, but has to be an outright liar to say things like
this. Either that or the author is just lame.

And
no, that dude is TOTALLY pressing charges and you are going to jail. Just bet
on that, crumbcake. You will be indicted and charged and sent up the river.
Plus I'm sure he isn't going to like having his jaw wired shut or whatever pain
and suffering you've caused him. And Terry is no longer on my sharpest tool
list because later she says he'll be "better off" after the surgery.
It doesn't work like that.

This
book was dumb and it broke its own rules many times. As silly and convoluted as
the Marvel and DC universes can become, I'll take the worst that they can offer
over a smuck who flies around all day screaming "Fuck You" to
everybody.