When I’m floundering fixedly on facing fears; fully aware of my shortcomings, I find you pointing proudly in the direction that I should go. Don’t you know that if I go, I go with the knowledge that I am not enough out there on my own? My needs are not necessarily manifold, but many are they and they won’t go away without first feeding that part of me which hungers for your staunch support; stepping in line with me.

So when you point, please don’t point with those elegant finely forbidding fingers. Instead, firmly hold my hand, grasp it lovingly and lead me along the path where the bluebells grow, dancing in freshly fallen snow, in the chill wind of April’s noon-day sun.

Why this feeling of sadness now? I think I’ll sit with it a while, after all it cannot hurt to understand the feeling if it manifests itself to me. If I ignore it and send it away will it be hurt and think that it cannot come again to remind me of something I have not yet forgotten? Breathe deeply, stare at the yellow walls and the sunlight reflecting through the window at the foot of the stairs. It doesn’t feel any better, but then why should it? You’ve only been thinking about the feeling for a few seconds. Is that all the time that you can spare for this feeling when it so urgently wants to be felt? Don’t you owe it to yourself to sit and engage with it, have a conversation with it, listen to what it has to say?

A small knot in the pit of your stomach. A small pressure to the right side of your head, just under your ear. Tingling in the feet and curiosity around the base of your neck and furrowed forehead. Lips pursed as if to kiss and greet the feeling that has chosen this moment to visit, when you really weren’t expecting visitors today. Invite the feeling to stay and find out what it has to say. Don’t be cold and formal, treat it like a long lost friend. Connect with it and let it know that it is important, that it is welcome and that although you have other things to do, this feeling has priority right now. It relaxes and reclines and something shifts within you.

You turn your head and gaze from the foot of the stairs to the open window where the breeze softly caresses your skin, notice too that the trees are waving at you, as the cool air touches their leaves. That the clouds in the sky floating on by suggest softness, cushioning your thoughts. Having gazed a while, seconds, minutes – who knows, you glance away, noticing the feeling has crept away. You smile and acknowledge the gift your visitor brought today.

I have music playing in the background and it reminds me of what it feels like to be loved. It is soothing and calming and allows me to escape from pressures that are constantly with me. I feel I can express those feelings through writing on this paper. This paper is white and the colour white reminds me of purity. There are no blemishes on this paper. I want to feel as pure and spotless as this white paper.

Today, I drew a picture with coils and hearts and the sun. I’m not sure what this is symbolic of. Coils could be my tightly wound inner being which is trying hard to be loose and free. The hearts could be my yearning to feel loved and accepted. I wrote: “my love is like a red rose”. A rose is so beautiful that this is what I imagine love to be like. Perfectly formed, delicate, rich in colour, soft and gentle like its petals. Drawing me in to examine, admire, contemplate and touch. I’m not able to turn away from it because it is so beautiful that I just want to keep looking and delight in its beauty.

The sun could be the light that allows me to see. The light shines and there is no darkness when it shines. It shines into my soul and lights up my being.