Monday, November 28, 2011

last week wrap up

Had a nice long week OFF OF WORK. Saw my family a bunch, chilled hard with friends and shopped till my dick fall off.

Don't even know where to start, I mean damn, on Tuesday night we CRUSHED free tacos at this bar. It was awesome. You walk in, buy two (2) beers, and you get free tacos, all you can eat. Sucks that it only lasts till 7. Sucks though that my mom was mad cause I called some dude a fag when he grabbed the last of the taco meat. Heh, it got refilled like two minutes later.

Then last Sunday we hunted deer.* I bought an insane/awesome camo/blaze orange reversible ski mask. It's seriously amazing. Unfortunately I found it the day after we hunted. But seriously, it's so amazing that immediately after I bought it, at Fleet Farm with my wife and mother in law, I had to put it on. Yep, I wore it for the entire car ride back home - with heckyeahwoman and heckyeahmotherinlaw. I think they were both pretty impressed.

We did some Black Friday shopping, and the best part was that, being in Wisconsin, there weren't a whole lot of blacks. No but we left the house at like 11pm on Thursday night lol. Hit the outlet mall, bought a sick new tie from Brooks Brothers and waited in line for like half an hour at old navy to buy a sweet dress shirt for $15. Heckyeahwoman found a bunch more crap. By 1am on Friday, I was pretty beat down from all the shopping bullshit, so we left, got home, had some whiskey and went to bed. Nice.

Oh my god, then we went to Festival Foods like on Monday, and saw something that can't be unseen. The typical uniform for a Festival Foods employee seems to be a white button down dress shirt, I don't remember what color pants and an option apron. But let's focus on that white shirt. Most of the time a dude wears an undershirt with a white dress shirt, 'specially if it's relatively thin.

And in this case, dude's was relatively very thin. As I was heading for the bread aisle, he was heading towards me, probably the frozen section. I couldn't look away; dude had the darkest, most thinly veiled peperoni nips I have ever seen in my life. His shirt was so thin, it might as well have been made of mesh. Every detail of his off-putting, brown areola was on display to be forcefully digested optically.

I stayed with my mom in her sweet apartment a couple nights and she has an asshole neighbor that lives above her. He keeps dropping cigarette butts and beer cans into her yard, from his balcony. So I got to her place on Friday, saw a can and a random lighter chilling in her area, got red with rage and threw that shit back up on his balcony. Bounced off his sliding door both times. Bummer he wasn't home, but I think he got the message since there was nothing there the next morning.

I kind of hope he fucks up again so my brother and I can force feed a 35 year old punk cigarette butts, film it, and put it up in this here blog.

One last thing, as I was just typing this up, I saw a commercial for an upcoming episode of 60 Minutes. The attention grabber was: "If you ate too much for Thanksgiving, it's probably their fault. Coming up next, 60 Minutes goes inside the multi-billion dollar food flavoring industry."

No you stupid fucks, if you ate too much on Thanksgiving, it's your own goddamn fault for being a fat tub of shit lazy worthless fuck with no self control. It's these little bits and nuggets of misinformation, promoting a lack of personal accountability, that are permeating the psyches of most of the lazy, entitled pieces of shit that populate this formerly great nation.

There are no words to describe how much I hate you, your worthless fat family, or practically everybody else.

* We didn't really hunt deer as much as we walked around in the woods, scaring the deer away from the real deer hunters, drank, ate, and I got to wear blaze orange along with my huge bowie knife.

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tall man on the loose in tampa area

True story, there is a tall man terrorizing the Tampa area. This weirdo usually hangs out around parks, trying to find pick-up games of basketball - during which, he will grab the ball and maneuver around so that you come into contact with his stinky, naughty bits.

Truly an unpleasant experience.

His signature move is the "bait and switch junk grab". As you're grabbing for the ball, his junk magically appears. In the way of your hand.

Another one of his famous moves is to let the ball go loose, then as you scramble for it, his sweaty ass gets in the way. Of your face.