Somebody Shoot Me – An Ode To My Mother

ME: “Uh…my novel. The one I’ve been working on for the past year. Yeah, it’s done.”

MOM: “I had no idea you were writing a book! What is it about?”

ME: (sighs) “It’s a young adult novel about a teenager named Sawyer Hayden who–”

MOM: “Sawyer? Oh I don’t like that name.”

ME: ”Well it’s too late to change it now. ANYWAY…he wants a basketball scholarship so he–”

MOM: “Basketball? But you don’t play basketball! And why are you writing about boys anyway? You’re a woman who lives in New Hampshire! I know what you should do. Join a writing group and try to make friends with that woman writer there…

ME: Please don’t say Jodi Picoult.

MOM: …the one who writes all those nice cancer books. You know who I mean.”

ME: (sigh 2x) “Her name’s Jodi Picoult, mom.”

MOM: “No, that’s not it. Well, whoever she is I hear her books are very popular.”

MOM: “RIVER? Oh I don’t like that name either. Why did you pick such ugly American names? With so many nice names in our family to choose from you–”

ME: “HOW ABOUT RAPHAEL? THAT’S WHAT I NAMED THE DAD SO HOW ABOUT THAT?”

MOM: “Finally a name I like! It’s about time you remembered you’re Italian.”

ME: “Ok…but just so you know, I made the dad Spanish.”

MOM: (appalled) “NOW WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST MAKE HIM ITALIAN? HOW AM I GOING TO TELL THE FAMILY IN ITALY THAT MY DAUGHTER WROTE A BOOK ABOUT SPANIARDS AND NOT ITALIANS?!”

ME: “I’M IRISH TOO, MOM! WHY DON’T I JUST MAKE HIM IRISH LIKE MY DAD, HUH? HOW’S THAT SOUND?”

MOM: “Spanish is fine.”

ME: “CAN WE FOCUS NOW? PLEASE?!”

MOM: “Yes, yes. Continue.”

ME: (sighs, molto frustrato) “So SAWYER leaves his father and moves to Nebraska–”

MOM: Bites lip.

ME: “NOW what’s wrong?”

MOM: “Well…why does he have to live in Nebraska? It’s a land locked state.”

ME: (rubbing temples) “What does Nebraska being a land locked state have to do with anything?”

MOM: “I don’t trust the seafood in land locked states. It’s too expensive. What you’re really paying for is the truck to have it delivered. They don’t fool me.”

ME: “Fine. You know what? I’ll change it to a coastal state–”

MOM: “OOH! You should make it Hawaii! I’ve always wanted to go there. You know they filmed that show LOST in Hawaii. But then you couldn’t use the name Sawyer. Hey! Now you can change that too! I always liked that doctor Jack–”

ME: “MOM! It can’t be Hawaii because Raphael is a long haul truck driver and that’s how Sawyer gets to Nebraska to live with his grandfather so he can get a basketball scholarship.”

MOM: “Well why does he even need a scholarship? With the price of seafood nowadays the father should have no problem paying for–”

ME: “You know what? Forget it. I didn’t write a book. I made a quilt.”

MOM: “Oh don’t be so sensitive. Tell me what the grandfather’s name is. Something good I hope.”

ME: “GUS.”

MOM: (flinches, thinks and then says) “So SAYWER leaves a man named RAPHAEL to live with a man named GUS?”

ME: “Yes but mom, Gus is awesome. He’s a biker and a southern rock roadie with…bad…ass…tattoos…”

MOM: (near tears) “What happened to my dainty daughter who used to love to read books and write stories and listen to music?!”

37 responses

Lol My Mother does the same thing with my poetry. She’s like “Why did you use that word? David, I don’t understand? Eh? Change it!” “But I can’t, it’s already been published!” “Well unpublish it then, quickly!” It horrifies her so much sometimes that I would like people to look things up every now and then and expand their minds/horizons but she acts as if they never even invented the dictionary or Google. I’ve got a couple of books to finish up then I should be able to get stuck into yours. Also, Netlix has finally got the first Season of Metalocalypse – it was incredible! Can’t wait for future seasons. I think Pickles is my favourite character after Dr Rockso but I love all the characters esp. the sinister Mark Hamil voiceover at the start of each episode, with their experts who do nothing. Genius!

Want a brainbomb? My mother walked in on me watching the episode where Dethklock is ambushed by their families. You should have seen my mother’s reaction to Murderface’s Grandfather in the wagon. I’ll I heard for the rest of the day was, “I wouldn’t have come to this country if I had known this was how you were going to spend your time.”

Lol – I adore that episode and it’s awkwardness, families can be sooooooo embarrassing. Isn’t it amazing how no matter how psychologically damaging these encounters are they make the deepest and richest comedy in the land to share with others. I once described struggles with my family life to a friend once and he proclaimed that it was better than any daytime soap opera – that might be a compliment to my overly dramatic storytelling nature or a damning indictment, bearing in mind how tedious some of these shows are. I tried to explain Dethklok to my parents, my Dad got it pretty quickly, my Mother didn’t know what to make of it, she thought they were ripping of Tenacious D! I tell friends about it and after I’ve explained I Ejaculate Fire they are pretty much horrified beyond belief. So I don’t do that now, I use the Duncan Hills coffee commercial instead as my entry level waypoint to Metalocalyptica (“Never have so many travelled so far to listen to such a short song!”) I will win Dethklok new fans one day or find others who like them, even if it kills me!

I must say, I am more than a little impressed that your mother knows who Tenacious D is. I played WONDERBOY for my mom as sort of a jumping off point, but she didn’t get it. I didn’t even bother with MASTER EXPLODER, and COCKPUSHUPS was right out.

I find it’s not just the older generation that doesn’t get the subtlety of musical parody. Just last week I turned to my kid and said, “You know what, Stuart? I like you. You’re not like the other people here, in the trailer park.”

Lol I don’t think you have lost your mind, I think it is perfect the way it is. Another band that is right up my street – thanks for that! I’m all about the musical parody or parody of anything. Spinal Tap is the only other metal band I can think of that peddles humor and can play catchy song too. However, have you heard of Flight of the Conchords? They are wicked. Lonely Island also have a lot of good parodies. Incidentally, I thought I could watch the Low Hanging Fruit Tenacious D video at work but even though they are using fruit suggestively, it’s almost ruder than the real thing! Maybe I should play it to my boss at work, she is always going on about going after the low hanging fruit 🙂 The video for Body Shot by Electric Six is also disturbing but I find them one of the funniest American bands in the world. Ohh Ohh and DVDA by the creators of South Park too – check them out!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS AND LONELY ISLAND! One of the funniest things I have ever seen in all my life is the R. Kelly “rap-opera” TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET. I have yet to figure out if it is a work of intentional comedy or if he meant for people to take it seriously. It’s either incredibly funny, horribly tragic or a work of pure genius. You decide.

Oh my word! What the hell is going on?
I’m on Chapter 4 already, what an amazing song!
How could I have missed this
It’s the most amazing thing in my life
Like if Shaggy had a gun and started
Waving it at the woman that is not his wife!
Thank you for pointing me in it’s direction
I’d have to admit it’s giving my funny bone…traction
I will have to see where this all goes
And come back to you with a summary after it curls up all my toes!

Well, d*mn, I watched twenty-two chapters
And I love how he played different characters
My favourite was Randolph and when he passed out
After drinking too much and telling secrets from the couch
That funny ass beat in the background, a leaky tap
Often I was like “Get a plumber in all over that!”
R.Kelly has become another one of my heroes
He’s as cool as bunch of refrigerated Eskimos
Never thought a beretta to the face would be so hysterical!
Now I want to go out and write myself a musical!

Lol – I did do one in the past – a mini-musical. It’s been a dream of mine to write musicals to tell you the truth, I’ve always loved crafting lyrics and to tell a story with music is challenging but exhilarating. Here is the one that I wrote recently:-

Well, despite your mother, like mine, being gifted at highlighting everything you haven’t achieved at the expense of everything you have, I hope your family realizes how cool it is that Mom is their resident writer, blogger, and all around good person. They are fortunate to have you.

My mother, who has been able to read and speak English since grade school, still to this day refuses to use contractions because she feels they are “slang.” I have no idea what she’d make of “text speak.” I’m afraid to find out.