She Wants To Get Back Together

She Wants To Get Back Together - But Should You Say Yes?

The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. He’s been on more dates than you can shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he’s here to help the average guy step his dating game up a notch — or several.

The Question

Hi Dating Nerd,

So I was totally in love with this girl. We had a great thing going, and we were maybe six months in. I was starting to think about the future, and she said she was thinking about that, too. And then she got a job overseas, and took off. A year later, her contract ended, and she's back in town. She wants to get together again. Apparently she missed me a lot, and she's realized that I was important to her, and doesn't want to let me go. On one level I want to believe her. But on another level, I'm not sure if I should. What should I do?

- Heartbroken Harry

The Answer

Hi Heartbroken Harry,

Don't do it. Your ex-girlfriend is trouble. Not trouble in the sense that, like, she's a spy. Just that she's trouble for you. She's not capable of offering what you want. She might claim otherwise. And I disagree.

If you'd like to take me at face value, you can basically stop reading now. Look at me, being all efficient. But if you'd like my justification for this rather bold statement, and you'd like to be convinced of my depressing diagnosis of your situation, please read on.

So, there are two ways of learning about someone. Either you can listen to what they say, or you can observe what they do. The latter, in almost every case, is much more accurate than the former. It's really rare for people to possess even slightly accurate self-knowledge. You know how sometimes you see a dude at the gym struggling to bench 50 more pounds than he can? And he can't get it off his chest, but he just keeps trying?

That's the way most people are, mentally. We think we're one thing, but we're actually another. We're not as honest, special, principled, or smart as we think we are. We know how stupid we were five years ago, but somehow, we don't reflect on the fact that, five years from now, we'll probably feel the same way about ourselves. This is pretty understandable: A little self-deception is a great way to stay sane.

On the other hand, our actions are very clear-cut. Either we rush into the burning building to save the cat, or we don't. Either we put up with our girlfriend when she's being annoying, or we don't. And, as many people who are smarter than me have said, you're the sum of your actions. You know how people sometimes say "I wasn't being myself"? You're always being yourself. What they mean is, "My actions, unfortunately, betrayed the incorrectness of my self-image."

So. This girl dumped you for work. And this says something really simple. It says that you're not her priority. There's nothing more to it than that. While it's painful to accept, the only real conclusion is that she was willing to discard you for a little more money and glory. Now, I'm not coming down on her for that. That's kind of cool, actually. She's a driven, ambitious career woman, who's willing to forsake the comforts of a relationship for the discomfort and tension of a new job. Good for her.

But not good for you, right? You're playing second fiddle. As good as your relationship gets, you know that, if it's the choice between you and a sweet CCO position, you're gone. And that means that there's always going to be this low-level anxiety in the back of your head. You're always going to wonder whether she's getting that LinkedIn notification that will destroy your intimate life. And you're going to find yourself wishing that she doesn't get that promotion, or get posted to the Tokyo office, or whatever else. Essentially, you'll be wishing that your girlfriend doesn't get what she wants. And that's a lousy place to be.

Again, she might tell you otherwise. That she really wants to be with you this time, that she made a big mistake. And I'm sure she means it. But I'm sure you also told your high school girlfriend that you could see yourself being with her forever. And you meant it at the time. We're all very persuaded by our noble sentiments about the person we think we should be. But that comes into conflict with the person we actually are, every time. Right now, she's lonely, and she wants companionship. But if she gets that companionship, she'll feel alright again, and she'll start wanting to get ahead in her career.

I've been in a really similar situation. Charlie was a smart girl. And being that she was smart, she didn't want to go to University of Regular Place in Canada. She wanted to study at Oxford, and become a celebrated academic. And she did a one-year program there, leaving me behind, getting wasted and reading her old emails, for a month. Eventually, though, I went on some online dating apps, had some fun times, and got myself together.

Until Charlie came back, a year later. And told me that she really missed me, and that she could really see some potential in our relationship. While becoming a professor at some far-flung university was cool and all, she missed waking up with me every morning. She was totally convincing, especially in her new skirt she got made by a fine British tailor.

You can see where this is going. Things were heavenly again, for a little while. Until our relationship hit the same rhythm again. At which point, she accepted a super cool job at NYU. While I didn't expect her to turn that down, I felt like an idiot, because it was like I was in a goddamned time machine. Or I was one of those characters in a horror movie who goes into the dark basement alone. It was so predictable. She had shown me how she was going to break my heart. And I let her do it anyway. And this is probably what this girl is gonna do to you, as well.

And, look, if you're willing to go along with that, fine. If you're willing to get your heart broken again, there's not much I can say to you. But realize that you're on a bit of a suicide mission. Realize that you can't live in some fairyland where she loves you, and you alone, and all of her other goals are secondary. I'm sure that she loved you a lot, in her way. That you were an incredibly fun and fulfilling person to date. But, ultimately, you were a diversion from what was really going on. And you'll be that again, if you take her back.

Think you could use some dating help, too? Email the Dating Nerd at askus@askmen.com.