Tuesday, November 13

so because i am borderline recluse, gene insists that i need to attend these meetings at teh RU12? community center in burlington. the group is called "glam" which is (of course) an acronym for gay leasurely activities for men. yeah...i wasn't there that day...

so i got bored and decided to attempt a few logos for the group. now, all you photoshop, publisher, designer, etc freaks, the only program i have at work to do this stuff is microsoft paint...so they lack a certain refinement.

Monday, November 12

so last week, well, actually partly the week prior, i had this weird moment when i realized that indeed i am skipping out on part of my life. i think it was when i was reflecting so much on the life and times of my friends' mom who passed away and how much she lived. then i thought about my own life and what i am doing that one day i can look back on and say, "hey, i did that."

so what is it that i can do? well, i could run away to join the peace corps like i always wanted to do or i could switch my job to something where i am not a low level bureaucrat trying to make a difference but without the ability to do anything.

additionally i think i am finally done with burlington and this little world. this is the hardest part for me because i am so in love with my friends, but i also know that i just cannot be happy here anymore. there is so much that i miss. quiet nights, not locking my doors on the car, not worrying about the dog running into a street and just relaxing. of course that is partnered with my inability to sit in one place for longer than 30 minutes...so you get my confusion.

i actually thought about leaving a lot this past weekend. i could find something else to do in the world. i could join the peace corps and leave in a month. (of course i would fly back instantly were i to get the baby call) oddly enough the part i worry about the most is leaving my dog. i couldn't leave my sputnik for an entire year. so maybe i just need to find my adventure here.

i guess i just do not want to die someday and not leave a legacy. or at least not leave an interesting legacy. right now all i have is that i lived. pretty fucked up thing to focus on, ehe?

Monday, November 5

it was a weekend for sure. i left on friday to go to a job site in manchester which just sort of happened. normally my duties do not involve job site visits but i think my boss was giving me a break which was greatly appreciated. so i watched module houses being lifted into place. infill housing is great and affordable housing is my deal, so i love it, but the change from a single family home on a few acres to a large development of condos (albeit nice ones) is strange. kind of sad...but that is life. actually, this blog entry is tied together around the theme of change and letting go if you really look at the underlying theme.

after that i stopped quickly at my grandfather's house. my uncle and his family are moving into it. the entire second floor is torn apart because my uncle is rehabing it for the family. my grandfather will live there for a bit longer and then he is going to live somewhere else i guess...no news on that yet. the house will benefit from the rehab work though. it will also be nice that a new generation is going to grow up there and hopefully keep the house in the family.

apparently the barn is being sold. my great uncle was always the sell out of the family at least from a land point of view. he is the one who sold my greatgrandparents house to some obscure cousin. whatever. but now he is selling the barn. i suggested strongly to my mom that she buy it and use the wood to construct the barn that they need at their new house. this hopefully will happen, otherwise i am going to have to build a barn on my land down there...which i am not quite ready to commit to doing. perhaps i could use it as the foot print of the house? who knows.

Thursday, November 1

i do not even remember the first time i met you partly because it seem i always knew you and partly because it wasn't necessarily the genesis of what i grew accustomed to know as a friendship that i could depend on as much as i depend on that from my family.

there were moments in my life that you probably do not realize the impact of upon my growth as a person and member of society. moments whereupon you asked me to be true to myself in answering your questions about life, work, actions and intentions. sure that sounds heady for someone who wasn't directly responsible for my development in society but it developed through a tremendous amount of respect that i recognized i held early on in our relationship.

you were the one who asked me why i didn't date your daughter even though you were the same person who naturally unsurprisedly declared, "yeah so?" when that same daughter convinced me to tell you that i was dating a boy for the first time. you provided in those moments a secure sense of acceptance regardless of my fleeting love interests during youth regardless of the gender that caught my eye.

you were the person who i wanted to impress with piano playing because i was once told by another daughter that if i was going to play for you i had better play like i mean it otherwise it wasn't worth playing.

you encouraged me in a way that was not your responsibility. you asked me questions about my path in life during talks in the kitchen. you gave me those withering looks that simultaniously made me quake and think of better ideas. your honesty in response to my thoughts, actions, plans and feelings was constant - one might say that they lacked tact, but those are weaker people because that honesty was never directed to be cruel rather than guiding.

i guess now that you are gone all i want to say is that i love you very much. i know how hard this is going to be for your daughters, your friends, your family and the community at large. you, anne, were a wonderful woman who inspired so much greatness around you. i can only hope that as i continue through life that you will still watch over me as well as everyone else and guide us so that we can remain people of whom you are proud.