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So, somehow I have gone past 29 weeks and am into my third trimester. We have a girls name decided, and we are yet to decide on a boys name, Neil and Jake vs me, it would seem!

This pregnancy feels different to my pregnancies with Jake and Zack. With Jake and Zack, I was elated, excited. This time, I’m waiting for those feelings to kick in.

It’s not that I’m not happy. It’s just that I’m not quite where I was. And I feel awful about it.

It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster.

We weren’t planning a third, so it was a bit of a shock. Then I was convinced I was going to have another chemical pregnancy, as I’d had before Jake and before Zack. I was sure that was just how my body works. I had early blood tests which showed my HCG levels had more that doubled in a 48 hour period, and we had a scan at around 7 weeks that showed a strong heartbeat.

At 10 weeks, I had a small bleed and some cramping, so had another scan which showed that everything was still fine. The 12 week scan went absolutely fine. We then announced our pregnancy, and had some negative reaction. Heaven forbid we have a third child!

We chose to have a private gender scan at 16 weeks and found out what we were having, but at 20 weeks, found out we were having something else. So we had started to bond with what we thought we were having, and then had to bond with the other.

When I was 23 weeks, my Dad got rushed into hospital with heart trouble, and got a diagnosis of Unstable Angina and spent a few days in CCU. When I was 24 weeks, Dad went back into hospital, spent some more time in CCU and had an angioplasty. When I was 25 weeks, Dad went back into hospital and spent yet more time in CCU.

Also, when I was 25 weeks, Mum failed her memory test at the GP and is being referred to the hospital, and will have some more tests done. I strongly suspect she will end up with some kind of dementia diagnosis.

To add to that, we have been going through some social worker assessments, not for us, but for my brother with learning difficulties to try and get him some extra support, as the support he was getting has now gone away due to lack of funding. Thank you Mr Cameron. The first assessment said he wasn’t eligible, and was factually incorrect, so we put a complaint in, and had to start the process again. We’ve just been through the second assessment, and are waiting for the outcome, although I feel it will be a lot more positive than the last one. It helped that this social worker was older than 12.

So with all of this going on, I’ve not had much of a chance to get ready for this baby. And I think that’s what I need to do. Once the baby clothes come out, the cot gets assembled, my growths scans are ok, I think I will start to feel excited about meeting the new member of our family. I know that once s/he is in my arms, I will fall completely in love.

When I was pregnant with Zack, before we had our gender scan, I was hoping for a girl. I thought one of each would be lovely.

It’s not that I was disappointed when I found out he was a boy, disappointed isn’t the right word, I’m not sure what is. To be truthful, I was just grateful to be carrying a healthy baby after all of the health crap I’d been through.

This time round, I can honestly say I don’t mind what we have. I have two utterly gorgeous (albeit sometimes frustrating) boys, so why would I be upset if I had another one?

If we have another boy, it means that bedroom sharing in the future won’t be as much of an issue, as the two that get on best share, as opposed to having to share just because. It means we pretty much have everything we need.

If we have a girl, it means I get to go shopping for girly things, which I will be equally as happy with. As long as they are healthy, I don’t mind.

I wish I could say everyone felt the same as me. Certain people have made it abundantly clear that a boy would be a disappointment and a girl is necessary to fulfil their pretty dress buying needs.

Jake has requested a little sister, that he doesn’t want another brother.

I feel under an immense amount of pressure to produce a female, and I don’t like it.

I can’t choose. In fact, the gender selection isn’t even anything to do with me, that’s all down to Neil.

So I’ve made a decision.

And that decision is, we are keeping it a surprise. That’s not to say we aren’t finding out, it just means that if we do, as far as possible we won’t be revealing what we are having until s/he is here.

And I know some people with disagree with that. Will say that we are being awkward, maybe even selfish.

I don’t care.

I can’t win.

If I say it’s a boy, I will get comments such as “Oh, that’s a shame” “A girl would have been nice” “Are you disappointed?” Cue people being defriended and blocked.

If I say it’s a girl I will get “Oh how lovely, I bet you are so pleased it’s not another boy.”

Would anyone dare say to me when I’m holding a baby in my arms: “Yeah he’s ok I suppose, shame he’s not a girl though.” NO! Of course not.

So I ask of you: Don’t try and pressure me or trick me into telling you. It will only lead to me getting annoyed and us falling out.

If we change our minds and choose to find out and/or reveal, then we shall, but the decision shall remain ours and I won’t be bullied into anything else.