posted 06-27-2001 05:54 PM
So, a Priest and a Rabbi are the best of friends but they are always in competition with each other. The Rabbi's congregation buys him a $400,000 home, so the Priest's congregation buys him a $500,000 home. So it finally comes down to cars. The Rabbi's congregation buys him a $75,000 car, and the Priest's congregation buys him a $100,000 car. But then, the Priest thinks that he is going to have the ultimate one-upsmanship, and procedes to Baptize his car. The Rabbi witnesses this act, stops and thinks a minute, goes to his toolshed, gets a tinsnip, and procedes to cut 6in. off his car's tailpipe!

This little gem was given to me by a good friend who happened to be a U.S.A.F. Chaplain!

THE NEW PRIEST

The new Priest was so nervous at his first mass he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher: after a few sips, everything should go smoothly." So, next Sunday the new Priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm! He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor with the following suggestions:

1: next time sip rather than gulp2: there are Ten Commandments, not twelve3: there are Twelve Disciples, not ten4: we do not refer to the Cross as the "BIG-T"5: the recommended Grace before a meal is not "rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah GOD!"6: do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ and his Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys!"7: David slew Goliath, he did not "kick the shit out of him!"8: the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook!"9: It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry!"10: last, but certainly not least, next Wednesday there will be a "taffy-pulling contest at St. Peters," not a "Peter-Pulling contest at St. Taffy's."!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

With all due respect to our American families but, as Canadians what can wesay !! This was received from a Canadian Cousin.

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, New York and Burlington. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in Montreal, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign."Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call

This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.) Enjoy.

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation.

One morning,after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!"

The crowd fell into an expectant silence.

The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers."

Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded, "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friendst hat you were a wizard under the sheets."

There are three ministers out near a river bank fishing. It's a Baptist preacher, a Methodist preacher, and a Pentacostal preacher. They are silent until the Methodist begins to speak.

Methodist: "Brothers, I have a problem. I don't know who to go to because it's such a serious matter. I'm afraid I'll get kicked out of my church."

Pentacostal: "Brother if you can't talk to us about a problem, then you can't go to anyone. Please, tell us what your problem is."

Methodist: "Well, I have a very serious problem with lust. I'm up behind the pulpit and I see down at those gorgeous women and I lust after them. I have unpure, unclean thoughts about them all the time. I even have a mistress that I see three times a week. She is Dr. Smith's wife. We meet at the motel in the next town. I don't know what to do!"

Pentacostal: "Oh brother, I know what you are talking about, I have a problem with greed. Every chance that I get, I take money from the offerings at my church. I confiscate the tithes and put them in my bank account. I don't know what to do about that either...Brothers, pray for me."

Methodist: "Brother, we will pray for you. If you ever need anyone to talk to you can come to us. Isn't that right Brother?

(Baptist)The Baptist quietly got in a boat and began rowing with urgency. Pentacostal and Methodist preachers ask the Baptist, "Brother? Where areyou going? Baptist: "Brothers, I have a very serious problem too! My problem is gossip. I can't keep a thing to myself for more than 5 minutes!"

Walking home with a hangover one Sunday morning, a man discovered he'd lost his hat.

He decided the easiest way to replace it was to go to church and steal one from the cloakroom.

Once inside, he heard a sermon on the Ten Commandments. After the sermon, he said to the minister, "I want you to know that you saved me from crime. I came here to steal a hat, but after hearing you, I decided not to."

"Wonderful," said the minister. "What did I say that changed your mind?"

"Well," said the man, "when you got to the part about committing adultery, I remembered where I left my hat."

The devil informs him that he will spend eternity in one of three rooms, each of which he may preview and then choose his favorite.

Satan opens a door and the dead supervisor sees a vast plain of concrete covered in glass shards, with untold millions of souls moaning in agony as they stand on thier heads.

With a gulp he asks to see the next choice.

The second door opens to reveal another vast horizon of torn-up wood filled with nails and screws, and millions of souls condemned to stand on thier heads, so he asks to see the third room.

Much to his surprise, the room is filled with millions of people standing waist deep in shit, but smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. "This is not too bad," says the man, "even standing in shit I can stand an eternity smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee."

So he nonchalantly enters and takes his place among the damned.Suddenly, halfway through his first smoke, Satan enters and yells: "Alright, you maggots! Coffee break's over--back on your heads!"

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