The High Failure Rate of Second and Third Marriages

Conventional wisdom tells us that those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it, so why are second and third marriage so much more likely to fail? South African writer, potter, translator, teacher, and divorcee based in Israel Leo Averbach returns to explain.

Past statistics have shown that in the U.S. 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. What are the reasons for this progressive increase in divorce rates? Theories abound. One common explanation is that a significant number of people enter a second or marriage 'on the rebound' of a first or second divorce. Often the people concerned are vulnerable; they do not allow sufficient time to recover from their divorce or to get their priorities straight before taking their vows again. They enter their next marriage for the wrong reasons, not having internalized the lessons of their past experience. They are liable to repeat their mistakes, making them susceptible to similar conflicts and another broken marriage follows.

Clearly that one factor alone does not account for such high rates of second and third failed marriages. There are some individuals in second and third marriages who consider divorce manageable and not necessarily a tragedy. They have handled it once, so they will handle it again. They may even recognize the warning signs earlier than they did first time round and are quicker to react, more determined to minimize the agony.

The growing independence between genders is thought to be one of the reasons for the significant increase in the incidence of divorce in first marriages during recent decades. Women have become more financially independent and men have become increasingly more domestically independent. As these gender roles break down, each gender becomes more self sufficient in both arenas. When these individuals move on to a second or third marriage, they are likely to feel a responsibility to protect themselves emotionally and financially. It is therefore reasonable to assume that the greater economic and domestic self sufficiency gained with age adversely affects second and third marriage even more than it does first marriages.

However, I believe that the prime factor affecting the breakup of second and third marriages is that there is less glue holding the marriage together: children, family. Parent-child relationships can be a source of conflict in some marriages, but overall children act as a stabilizing factor in marriages and when children are absent the marriage is prone to be rocked by minor storms.

Because the great majority of children born to married couples are born during their first marriage, when the parents are up to about thirty five years old, most couples in a second marriage do not have common children to bind them together. Conversely, not having shared responsibility for kids means it's easier to leave when you are going through a rough patch. Perhaps 'for the sake of the kids' is not reason enough the stay together, though it can sometimes save a relationship.

In addition, because the couple does not have children in common, the element of family is not as central in second and third marriages. Consequently, the desire to 'preserve the family' is not a strong presence. For the couple there is less at stake in allowing the marriage to collapse. This reduced importance of the family in second and third marriages may also explain why the couples concerned are said to be less 'committed' than those in first marriages.

Ironically, the presence of children in second and third marriages,if they are from previous marriages, can cause problems and lead to tension. Having to adjust to your spouse's children and his/her relationship with them is often difficult for couples. Inevitably rivalries and arguments arise, making this a constant area of conflict. In these cases the children can be a destabilizing factor in a second or third marriage.

Generally speaking, relationships become increasingly tangled and complicated with subsequent marriages, as more and more individuals join the ever-expanding family. On a day-to-day level, maintaining those relationships is not easy and frequently generates animosities all round.

Clearly there are many people who learn the lessons of their first divorce and move on to happy, long second marriages. But all the evidence suggests that it gets harder and harder to keep the show on the road as you move onto the next marriage. It is this trend that is reflected in recent divorce statistics.

To Anonymous and Christine,
Thank you for your healthy critique. I asked Leo Averbach to help us get a handle on his research into this data. Here is his response:

Divorce statistics are complex and, like all statistics, are open to interpretation. Averages are derived from annual fluctuations and regional variations. Official US divorce statistics are provided by: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)
For 2009, see:

Within the variations, there is broad agreement on figures for first divorce though figures for second and third divorces are more obscure. They come predominantly from professionals in the divorce field. I have relied on findings by Jennifer Baker, Forest Institute of Professional Psychology,Springfield:

We are quite open to an update on these stats, if they are out there and would be happy to get some feedback. In the meantime, I am changing the text slightly in the piece to reflect that our stats could be harder.

Thanks for these statistics. I have a question though about the common theory you put forth is that 2nd and 3rd marriages end due to people rebounding from divorce to marriage. This seems like a hypothesis that can be demonstrated by interviewing a representative sample set of divorced couples to find out how long they were separated/divorced before they met their future spouse. Otherwise it sounds to me like unsubstantiated speculation.

It's a meme. I contacted Dr. Jennifer Baker -- her email is jbaker@forest.edu -- and she responded forthrightly that the statistics are not hers, that she has made great effort to get her name removed from that site, and that she gets a score or more requests every year for the same information.

The information is not out there, I would posit. It is one of those "stastistics" that apprear to serve emotional needs more than a need for a basis in reality.

You would do a HUGE service to the marital therapy arena, pastoral counselors, and psychology in general if you could write a blog post debunking this nonsense and inviting someone -- anyone! -- to do the simple non-intrusive social science that would be required to prove it so or not so.

Here is how. Marriage licenses in many states (e.g. Nevada) require that previous divorces be listed on the license. Find 1000 of those with two partners who were previously divorced, and 1000 of those with two partners where at least one of them was not previously divorced. Say, chose calendar year 2007. Cross check for five years against divorce records. Tabulate. Report. See if there's a statistically significant different.

Thank you.

statistics are not mine and I even though I've tried to get my name removed for the site, I routinely get dozens of requests a year for this information.

Then there is the exception to every rule. My first marriage lasted 18 months - I needed to get out of my house. My second lasted 5 years before I realized he was a loser - but I had my first chld who is now a beautiful young woman. I used to joke it took me three tries to get it right - I just celebrated 27 years with my third husband. Don't let statistics make you afraid.

I do believe that yours was the exception! Sounds like you were twice married and divorced all by age 26?? So you were young enough to marry for the 3rd time and make it last. I suspect that the age of the typical person marrying for the 3rd time has to be 40's or early 50's.

Anyone looking at someone married twice, thrice, or more, should be very afraid of marrying that individual. Just because a very few make it through the third marriage doesn't mean one should not be very afraid to consider a third remarriage.

"Don't let statistics make you afraid." If you were told that 3/4 of the people who walked down a certain street were attacked, would you gamble that you were the 1/4 who could pass unharmed, or would you head in a different direction?

I was married for 20 years to my first husband. The first ten years were great. We had our daughter after 7 years of marriage. Son 7 years later. Highs were great, lows were awful. We finally separated and divorced, which took us 3 years! I remarried after dating a total knuckle head for 2 years. What a mistake. Rebound. We knew each other for 4 months before he proposed, huge diamond engagement ring and all. His two adult sons gave us nothing but grief. My daughter did the same. The only one who gave us zero problems was my youngest son. I rushed into this, We really don't have anything in common at all. If I could go back in time, I would have waited! I had no reason to rush into a wedding on the beach in the Bahamas. Hindsight.

I agree with the idea that good statistics are important. However, to say that we dont' think they are true doesn't make them untrue. As an general practise attorney doing a fair amount of family law, I tend to believe that perhaps the detailed numbers may be open to debate, but the premise has a lot of validity. Those who get divorced tend to blame it on the other, thus creating the strong chance the same mistakes will be repeated, just with another. Our obsession with soul mates creates the mindset that if it isn't easy, it isn't "real". Our obsession with happiness means we don't consider that we maybe unhappy and married, but not unhappily married. And if we are willing to throw the mother/father of our children under the bus in the pursuit of happiness, how much easier it must be when those ties don't exist when the inevitable "power struggle" phase kicks in. I wonder how affair partners who marry can trust each other enough to make it work. I often joke with other attorneys that I would like a government grant to study the divorce rate among my client who need the decree by Monday so they can re-marry on Saturday.

Again, good, "hard" numbers would be nice. But the real question is how do we increase the odds of a marriage being "sucessful", no matter the first or the fifth.

Pty,
This is a great insight from someone who sees matrimonial problems everyday. You should not consider dumping your wife or husband if the real issue is depression or lack of MOJO. The brain loves novelty, so the next lover will be fun, but may will get old as you realize that you may have lost a lot.

I agree with your point about hard numbers. It would be nice to get better numbers, but the trend does resonate with those in the business.

In my experience (and I know this is not representative...), people who pick at things like statistics are avoiding issues, important issues; wether out of fear... or sometimes nefarious reasons. I'm not being adroit, just honest. Most who have experience with people, friends, family... (as mentioned here already - so eloquently) know these stats are accurate enough... it really stings that important discussions can be diluted like this (and it hits home to anyone every a victim of abuse).

In all of this, one thing is overlooked too often... sometimes multiple failed marriages are a sign of an abuser - and abusers do not want things to change or get better - they want history to repeat, they are predators looking for victims to dominate and control, and with at least 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men being abused in a lifetime (definately underreported so that statistical distractions cannot divert attention) that means there are many many more abusers out there than anyone wants to see... and... they get married and divorced (marriage is the perfect institution to hide sadistic behaviors).

My ex abused me, and his first wife, (and both of our children)but he is charming and wealthy and powerful, and the two of us are now holding our breath in hopes that maybe victim #3 will finally open the eyes of family court and bring some safety and justice that this man (and many many others) can so easily escape.

Marriage is not always an "it-takes-2-to-tango" institution, and articles like this scare me because it is sooooo easy in our society to find any excuse to try to even things out, to blame victims because they fell prey to predators, or because of pocket psychological excuses.

Statistics are valuable tools *as long as* the research is transparent. I have been trying to find the actual study done by Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Psychology. It bothers me that I have been unable to locate the actual study but keep being sent to references to the study instead. It bothers me that a psychologist rather than a sociologist is being referenced on a topic of social trends. Last I checked the area of specialization of a psychologist is the workings of individual minds. Sociologists on the other hand are trained in identifying social patterns involving large numbers of individuals. I want to see this study and understand how Jennifer Baker came to this conclusion before I can assign value to the statistical assertions. Where is the actual study? How did Ms. Baker arrive at this conclusion?

While I empathize with your frustration of not finding the Baker study, I must disagree with you about the alleged difference between psychologists and sociologists researchers. Most psychologists today work with the whole family system in mind, if not the family or marriage itself. They are acutely aware of social trends. Most doctorate level psychologist have a dissertation that delves deep into research of all kinds and or is an actual experiment itself whether it be more general (sociological) or individual (psychological). But even this dichotomy is false, in a sense. There is so much more to the research of human behavior that to split the concepts along these lines is too ignore the amazing and multi-factored complexity that researchers face everyday. I've known sociologists that couldn't do research to save their lives and psychologists that couldn't research their way out of a wet paper bag. Even then, there are excellent sociologists that do individual case studies and excellent psychologists that do general sociological trend studies. There is a lot of overlap.

Statistics are valuable tools *as long as* the research is transparent. I have been trying to find the actual study done by Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Psychology. It bothers me that I have been unable to locate the actual study but keep being sent to references to the study instead. It bothers me that a psychologist rather than a sociologist is being referenced on a topic of social trends. Last I checked the area of specialization of a psychologist is the workings of individual minds. Sociologists on the other hand are trained in identifying social patterns involving large numbers of individuals. I want to see this study and understand how Jennifer Baker came to this conclusion before I can assign value to the statistical assertions. Where is the actual study? How did Ms. Baker arrive at this conclusion?

Sadly at this time I am too ashamed to not be anonymous, I am separating from my 4th wife after 3 years, my 1st victim had a practicing alcoholic on her hands, after 7 years it was enough,I sobered up. #2 I found out was a practicing alcoholic 6 months into the relationship & she was pregnant, I offered to raise our child if she couldn't stop drinking, we spent 18 years in an unhealthy marriage, begging for sex led me to adultery 14 years into it, that ended 6 years later, 6 years alone brought on my next victim who I fell head over heels for, she was more interested in money than me, that soon ended when I asked if she could clean the house if she wasn't going to work, this one #4 has decided she needs alcohol in her life,shopping,casino`s,pills & overdraft charges every pay check,the last 3 years I have lost a good paying job, my house a jag a range rover,a 53k truck,practically everything I own,along with dignity & self respect,I took every job I could,I have been sober 24 years one day at a time...& I`m done.
all I have left are my Children, I have started going to Alanon I hope I make it.

I was previously married to a woman when I was 27 years old, but that marriage failed after less than 1 year. We had no children, so we were able to go our separate ways relatively easily.

My second marriage took place over ten years later. At 37, my second wife was also a divorcee with no kids, and whose first marriage ended (like mine) within a year, and without children involved, awhile back.

Because our previous marriages were such utter catastrophes and ended so quickly and so long ago, we both considered our respective divorces as part of our distant past.

We have been married for a few years now have a beautiful 1 year old child, but we are constantly fighting like cats and dogs over virtually everything.

We cannot seem to effectively manage our personal finances (mostly my fault for starting my own business at a difficult time), our sex life is nonexistent, and she has become virtually intolerable to be around as a depressed stay-at-home mom. She cannot handle an ounce of criticism, and lashes out at me and even her own family for everything, yet she refuses to go back to work and put our child in daycare.

I am very reluctantly considering getting a second divorce. This one would be far more traumatic and painful, as there is a 1 year old child involved, and so we would not make that choice lightly.

However, the situation has become so bad on so many levels, I am not sure it can be salvaged (or should be).

If we do end up divorced, the statistics would reflect that we fall into that nebulous "67% of second marriages that failed," but I am not sure how our first marriages really had anything to do with our current struggle to stay together.

Perhaps the "I got divorced before, and survived it" notion is part of our thought process somehow, but I don't really see our respective first marriages as particularly relevant since there were no kids involved, and few entanglements. In fact, in some way, we are both concerned that if we divorce again, we will start to look a bit nutty, who will assume that we are both incapable of handling normal healthy relationships. So, if anything, being previously divorced has actually made us LESS likely to jump into a divorce again.

My point is that statistics with respect to marriage and human relationships can be simplistic and deceptive, and don't accurately always capture the complexities of human relationships.

"My point is that statistics with respect to marriage and human relationships can be simplistic and deceptive, and don't accurately always capture the complexities of human relationships."

This is such a valuable point. Statistics do not apply to individuals. This includes divorce statistics.

Many don't want to go through divorce again, understood.
You may want to look at my articles on intimacy and marriage.
Often we trigger each other in damaging ways in marriage. Resentment then takes over.

The key is often to get the right therapist to help detoxify the negative aspects of a relationship and set the marriage up for success.

After being married about 8 years with three beautiful children my husband and I started talking separation. That wasn't working so I started strongly considering divorce. Thankfully, the second counselor we went to (that I didn't even want to go to) kept recommending we read a book called "Love and Respect - The love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. Through reading this book together and living out what it says our marriage has changed in big BIG ways! Now we're going on 11 years married and I'm finally married to my BEST friend - all with the same man. I HIGHLY recommend this book and hope the very best for struggling couples. I have been in an ugly marriage for a long time, but praise God, it's not ugly anymore!

I am eight years into my 3rd marriage. We dated two years before we married. She has three children that I have helped raise. They were 3,6 and 8 years old when we joined together. I have four adult children which none of mine live with us. I left my home with my adult twin girls and moved in with her.
I am so unhappy now I can't believe it. I did everything a person could do before getting married again. Went to counseling, attended divorce recovery class at church,had premarital classes with her.What I didn't see was this was all about her. Her kids her happiness. I love her kids and they love me.Their father is a alcoholic that she left after 14 years of marriage.She recently admitted she had the kids in hopes of changing him.She has no respect for me, does not care or help me if I get sick and need rest or quite time. She gets mad at me if I don't do for her kids but turns on me if I try to correct them.
She has taken me for granted to long. I want out but I don't want to hurt the kids. I will never marry again. Its so hard to join two families together. My kids stay away because they know where she stands.
3rd marriage failure of 75% is close.I have kept my own records on divorce of people for 20 years. I own a small company with lots of contacts,I make notes on every divorce I hear about.Sad but true.
Thank you for letting me sound off.

I empathize with your plight. I'm going through a somewhat similar situation.

To cut the long story short : I'm single, never married. She's 3 times divorced with 3 kids. Her ex-husbands pay alimony but I'm still expected to be the "man of the house" for the most part, which was fine by me.

Never having been married, I went blindly into the relationship.

It was only after a year did I realize that for this thrice divorced woman, it was only about HER KIDS, HER HAPPINESS (you said it).

She would get angry if I did not spend time with her kids because she wanted a sense of family. I can understand that. But what did not sit well with me was that while I was to shoulder the burden of being the "man of the house", I was at the same time a Second Class Family Member and never part of "her inner circle" consisting of her immediate family members - Herself and her kids again.

When I argued with her, she would gang up against me with her kids and it would be so many against myself.

What a lousy deal! Having to shoulder the responsibility of "man of the house" yet a Second Class Family Member whom the rest (woman and kids) can turn against at a whim.

It does say that the Man is to love his wife, but a wife is to respect her husband. But from my experience, it is difficult to love a wife who is selfish to begin with and is in 100% survival mode to defend just her and her kids, with neither thought nor respect for her man, who is nevertheless expected to fulfill his duties as the "man of the house".

It's been almost a year or two since you wrote this post Anonymous. Any updates since?

If she's collecting alimony then no matter how much time you spend with her kids you are NOT the man of the house. Problem being a 2nd class family member? That probably describes most husbands' situations. Generally speaking, single moms will see a guy as a pay check. When things get tough they start looking elsewhere. Easy enough to do in this legal environment. Good luck!

My heart aches for you. I know what it feels like to live with someone and love the children of the relationship but continue to be hurt the most by the person you committed to - and they to you. NEVER give up hope in the Lord. Find a Christ following church, seek the Lord and wise, godly counsel. Everything around us may fall away but never give up your hope in the Lord. Above all, He is the one who got me through. I pray you find peace in the Lord as you seek Him.

This article is making me quite sad. I have never been married, I'm 33 and my fiancé is divorced with a 6 year old daughter. He and I have been together for a year and there have been issues. However; he is very committed to me and the relationship, wanting to do whatever it takes. His divorce was almost 3 years ago and I have met his ex and we have a polite relationship. His daughter is still adjusting to the change but she is a sweet child who is struggling a bit with loyalties. I love this man and he loves me... Even more then I do sometimes. I feel like he has become my best friend and will be a great life partner. But... Reading this article is very upsetting. I have a masters degree in social work and understand much about human behavior. I am sorry but I am an optimistic and faithful person who still believes in love. I know love doesn't solve problems but true willingness and commitment can. I feel like this article is looking at the big picture rather then considering the motivation of individuals to be in a lifelong commitment when "it's right". I have my reservations but overall I feel it will work. I am bummed that this article and some comments make it seem like I'm doomed. :-(

This article is making me quite sad. I have never been married, I'm 33 and my fiancé is divorced with a 6 year old daughter. He and I have been together for a year and there have been issues. However; he is very committed to me and the relationship, wanting to do whatever it takes. His divorce was almost 3 years ago and I have met his ex and we have a polite relationship. His daughter is still adjusting to the change but she is a sweet child who is struggling a bit with loyalties. I love this man and he loves me... Even more then I do sometimes. I feel like he has become my best friend and will be a great life partner. But... Reading this article is very upsetting. I have a masters degree in social work and understand much about human behavior. I am sorry but I am an optimistic and faithful person who still believes in love. I know love doesn't solve problems but true willingness and commitment can. I feel like this article is looking at the big picture rather then considering the motivation of individuals to be in a lifelong commitment when "it's right". I have my reservations but overall I feel it will work. I am bummed that this article and some comments make it seem like I'm doomed. :-(

Do you have any stats on couples remarrying after a divorce. My ex-wife and i have been divorced for two years now. She wanted the divorce. I did not. I've thought about her every day for these past two years. We have two kids together, 10 and 6. Do couples every get remarried after the got divorced?

If a successful marriage involves two people acting as a team to manage their household and their lives, together, I truly believe there is an important reason why 2nd marriages fail. Our society forces a clash between the decision-making powers of divorced parents and the decision-making powers of a newly married couple, where at least one of the parents is involved in decision-making with his or her ex. In current times, there is a strong inclination to insist only the two biological and divorced parents should be involved in making decisions about their children; however, many such decisions directly involve the intimate matters of the households of each of these parents. This sets a clash where the decision-making power of the divorced parents is upheld in our society as trumping the decision-making powers of a married couple, where one of the partners is a divorced parent. Lets consider a simple example: two divorced parents are setting up a schedule for parenting time with the children. For the second marriage to succeed, the partners need to be a team in determining their own living schedule -- the new spouse needs to work with his/her partner to arrive at a satisfactory schedule. In other words, the interests of both households, including the child's activities and events need to be worked out with consideration for everyone. I have heard of a situation where the divorced parents created a schedule in the absence of the step-mom that involved the step-mom having primary care of the child on certain mornings. The step-mom was not part of the decision-making process and had to abide by it, which meant she had to re-arrange her work schedule to accommodate the decision made by her husband and his ex-wife. This kind of interference in marital team decision-making, on a daily and intimate scale, is, I believe, a significant factor in the break-up of second marriages. Society is, in effect, saying the divorced adults have more power to make and enact important life decisions for the married couple and other spouse than the actual married couple. This just isn't right and doesn't work. More research needs to be done and communicated in this area.

Janina, I could not agree more. As a step mom to three very active boys this is the biggest issue in our house. I am NEVER involved in the planning, I never know what is going on but i'm expected to do and be everything to everyone. Even when it affects my 1yr old (my husbands and my son). I feel like a ragdoll that gets tossed around according to the decisions they make. I have no say in my house. And i'm at a breaking point.

Dated a few women with children but it became quite apparent they were looking for someone to support them and their children. Why should I assume the emotional and financial responsibility for a child I had nothing to do with bringing into this world? Then you have to deal with the "circus" that develops--visits from the ex-husband, ex-inlaws etc--don't need the trauma or the drama---I'd rather stay single!!!

Getting into a relationship with divorced man/woman requires a partner who has higher flexibility and willing to compromise. The basic rule applies, what each brings to a relationship, while not beinga scorekeeper. The problem is even older folks enter a relationship with a premise of fun first, but seems they need to do it in a opposite way, perhaps 50% of conversation is geared towards knowing his/her family and priorities (lifestyle, work commitment, finance). Most of the time women ask more, why not men also try to balance the power ? Especially oder man at 40s and beyond, should be more forward on this, have self control, have a plan what you want to know in every date, change the style of conversation, clarify the response and decide if YOU are willing to step up and to care less of the irrelevant (dramas). The challenge is keep doing the same things in your 20s or 30s and hoping for a different result at 40s. In light of the article, I agree with the statistic interpretation.

I am Anna Moon from USA, after 4 years in marriage with my husband,she divorced me and with another man. i did all i could to get him back but all proved abortive, until a old friend of mine who told me about a spell caster Dr.ODUDUA on the internet who helped her in a similar issue, at first i doubted it but I decided to give it a try, when I contacted him (dr.oduduwasamuelhightemple@gmail.com) he helped me cast a re-unite spell and within 48 hours me and my wife come together again. Contact this great spell caster on your relationship or marriage problems and counseling at dr.oduduwasamuelhightemple@gmail.com