If someone were selling you a car you wouldn’t believe them if they said the following, right?: This vehicle is perfection and will remain functional until hell ices over and Jesus himself returns. Of course not, and yet there is one place where the line between reality and exaggerated self promotion has been mauled in a major way — online dating.

“Online dating” is scary and I doubt that any other two words can provoke more fear and humiliation. Still, last year I dusted off my black tie dress twice to attend two weddings that began not in a bar or club but online. Instead of buying drinks and making out voraciously in a corner, these people ticked boxes marked “describe your personality” and “enter your height requirements.” Clearly, this web dating dance works for some people but here is a peek into how mine went wrong.

I’m busy. I don’t have much time so the online profile for the guy described as a “ Nina Simone loving 6 feet 1 Monet admirer” sounds awesome. Except when I meet him at a local London restaurant, it turns out he inherited that Nina CD from his old roommate, he was six feet and one inch that day he stood on a step ladder and he admires Monet because she’s a stripper in “Pole Dreams” round the corner. Yes, this was the result of one of my online dating adventures and I’ve got to say … it wasn’t a brilliant start.

Where has all the honesty gone?

I tell the truth both on the street and in front of my laptop. For example, I love cheese. Holy hell I’ve been followed around an artisan cheese shop as the owner feared I had some sort of sexual connection to the stuff. And snobby selections aside, my favourite is the nuclear coloured, wallpaper paste explosion that drenches my nachos. As for liquor, I love good wine but the best day of the week is Friday because I reward myself with a bottle of beer in the bath before I go out. Advertise yourself however you like on that digital dating profile people but be real. The only place I’m 115 pounds is in my high school graduation photo and long may it remain.