Need negative ad material? We’ve got it

Heath Shuler says he will bring integrity and accountability to Washington? Ha! We have here in our satchel 76 examples of Shuler’s low character and corrupt tendencies. Space and decorum prevent us from elaborating fully on every example, but we here at the Hail Mary Headquarters to Re-elect Charles Taylor felt it was vital to make you, the unsuspecting voter, aware of at least some of Shuler’s transgressions.

Only a few months ago, one of our operatives was having lunch in a dining establishment known as McDonalds when Shuler sauntered in, ordered a Big Mac, an order of fries, and a Diet Coke (oh, the hypocrisy, but so, so typical). Clearly, the man has no regard for his own health — if he’ll treat his body that way, imagine what he’ll do to America! But that is not the worst of it. After Shuler paid for his lunch, he proceeded to the condiment area, where he scooped out FOUR packets of ketchup.

Democrats, so this by itself, while lamentable, is hardly worth reporting. What is worth reporting — nay, what MUST be reported — is that Shuler did not use all four packets of ketchup. He used two and a half packets, and then — voters, prepare yourselves — threw the remaining packets into the garbage can, along with approximately one-third of his Diet Coke and two fries. As near as we could determine, he did finish his burger.

Of course, Shuler’s problems with ketchup raise a number of important questions about his ability to serve the good people of Western North Carolina. First of all, what kind of man throws away a perfectly good packet of ketchup? He could have used the ketchup, or returned it to its brothers in the condiment area. He could have taken the ketchup with him — that would have been stealing, but at least it would not have been outright waste.

Question: If Heath Shuler can be so cavalier with ketchup, what will he do with our tax dollars? If he cannot judge how much ketchup he needs to eat an order of fries, what makes him think he’ll be able to balance the budget? We cannot trust a man like this with our hard-earned money.

Although we wish we could rationalize Shuler’s behavior as something new, a potential hazard of people who do not plan to grow up to become Democrats, but something terrible happens to them along the way and they become bent somehow, like some horrible, disfigured tree — where were we? Oh yeah, he’s always been a bum. That’s it.

As far back as first grade, Shuler proved what kind of man he would one day become when he became involved in a sordid love triangle with not one (which would not make a very good triangle) but TWO unfortunate victims. The pitiful backstory: For three or four weeks, Shuler had been sitting in homeroom next to a pretty girl named Stella (we’ve changed her name, for obvious reasons). They had been talking and laughing, cutting up, as kids are wont to do. One day, she gave him half an apple, a Golden Delicious. On another, he brought her a grasshopper in a jar with holes punched in the lid. She’d seem nonplussed, but any objective person would have said they were an item.

Enter Susan (also a pseudonym). Her parents had just moved into town, so she started school late. The minute she made her first appearance in the classroom, Shuler was smitten, and so was she, knocked off her beam by his boyish good looks and seemingly wholesome demeanor, as so many folks apparently are, bless their sweet, gullible, idiotic hearts. Two days later, as she walked by his desk on her way to sharpen a pencil, she slipped Shuler a note. It read: “Will you go with me? Check the box.” And, sure enough, there were three boxes, marked “yes,” “no,” and “maybe.” Without hesitation, according to our operative, who was sitting in the seat next to Shuler in the opposite row, Shuler marked the box next to “Yes,” thus casting poor Stella aside like a — like a packet of ketchup!

Fickle, fickle Shuler. Seriously, people, how many examples do you need to make an informed decision? The man has no shame, no moral compass, no regard for the suffering of others. Would it surprise you to learn that Stella is STILL in therapy? It wouldn’t surprise us, either. One minute his heart belongs to Stella, the next minute it belongs to Susan. If he was our kin, we’d wash his heart out with soap!

A few other things we have to cram in quickly, as the curtain falls and the election nears. Dogs don’t like him. He was once bitten on the ankle by a Shihtzu, and Shihtzu’s know. He still owes Leroy Brown (yep, name changed) three dollars from a delinquent 4-H Camp loan. As a college student, he was once seen dancing to a Madonna song, “Lucky Star,” we believe it was.

He’s a tax and spend liberal. He’s a cut and run Democrat. He’ll waste all our ketchup, then stomp all over our hearts. Is that what you want? Well, is it?

(Columnist’s note: I’m not Charles Taylor, and I do not approve of this ad.)

Reading Room

Like some other readers I know, my taste in books these last 20 years or so has shifted from fiction to non-fiction, especially history, biography, and literary studies. I still follow certain novelists — Anne Tyler, Pat Conroy, James Lee Burke, and others — and still review novels for this paper, but find that works of fiction simply don’t appeal as much as when I was in my twenties and thirties, when I read stacks of novels and poetry.