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Month: June 2012

And I’m not talking about the name them hug them pet them feed them love them pets…. I’m talking about Pet Peeves…

We ALL have them… We all know we have them… We all seem to stumble upon something new once in a while that gets added to that list….

I was reminded of some of mine last night… A couple of BIG ones that I have; above and beyond my angelic little Wee going through the ‘I can’t hear you’ stage right now that is driving me CRAZY….

The first one is people who can’t mind their own damn business. Really… if you have so little to take care of in life that you have to invent rumours about other people and their lives to keep yourself busy, please, let me know. I have a million things to do at any given time that I would happily let you help me with. And, if hard work isn’t your style… I’ll buy you an eff’n puzzle to occupy you. But really… mind your own!!! Keep your nose out of the lives of other people… and IF you do happen to have an issue with me… IF… BIG IF… because if you’re minding your own, you won’t have time to notice what I may or may not be doing that you may or may not like…. then MAN UP and talk to ME about it… Don’t go running around spreading rumours about crap that is noneyabusiness!!!! Seriously!!!

And the second one is people who blow things totally out of proportion and can’t stick to the cold hard facts when telling “their side’ of the story. Instead, they add in little facts and tidbits that they think will make their story stronger, that they think will make it stand up under scrutiny… When all it really does is weaken their story and make it crumble and fall.

I’ll admit, sure, sometimes their is a valid story to tell. Sometimes their is a valid point to be made… but if you’re going to add impossible facts to your story, the valid points get lost in the lies… And when the story you are telling is ABOUT ME and my friends… and you are telling it TO ME… I think I damn well know my life and my friends well enough to know when something stinks…

I can smell a lie a mile away… and I can tell when things are being ‘dressed up’ to make them look stronger.

I have 81 friends on my Facebook. 81. Not 881… not 200…. not 181… 81. And each one of those people is someone that I know… someone that I would happily sit down and have a coffee and conversation with…

I don’t have ‘friends’ on my Facebook who I would not be willing to do that with….

So don’t write to me telling me that one of my friends happened to know your husband… and then happened to hunt you down via Facebook… and then happened to write a load of crap on your wall about me… Because MY FRIENDS don’t work like that… MY FRIENDS would talk to me if they had an issue… MY FRIENDS would talk to me and ask ‘what’s up? Is there something that we need to know about?’…

And…. being a woman, I damn well know that if some random stranger happened to write shit on my wall, I would not randomly delete said post, I would keep that shit as evidence…. So don’t tell me you deleted it and ‘forget’ who sent it… and then claim it was one of MY FRIENDS. DON’T LIE!!!

And, really… if some random stranger posts shit on your wall about another random stranger… perhaps you should tell them to mind their own… not continue to spread the vicious rumour that they started about ME… and then make it bigger by involving MY FRIENDS….

Really, it all comes back to one thing… Mind your own. Know your life… Know your friends… Know your spouse… and if something comes up that you have a question about… really… either dismiss it for what it is… an ugly rumour being spread by someone who is not minding their own damn business… or check into it with the people that you know…. don’t go involving random strangers into the mix… and don’t go adding ‘facts’ to your story to make your story seem more plausible… That makes you no better than the person who started the shit in the first place…

Okay, okay… let me back up a wee bit… just a little bit… Hours; not days or weeks…. Hours.

So, 2 days ago, it became official… what had been coming for some time… coming like an express train from hell… well, it became ‘official’… real… It truly is Me, Wee, and our journey again… with all of our friends surrounding us… There is no ‘we’… There is no ‘us’… There never really was… but for all of you in my inner circle… you knew that LONG before I did…

So, yesterday… Beach with Wee… Friends came and went… Conversations were had… tears were held back; I will not cry in front of my Wee. Pain was felt.

And then Wee left with her dad for her time with him and so that I could write another exam… and BAM! Turn on the water works… sobbing.. heaving… gasping for air… Walking my dog… sobbing… self-doubt ‘what is wrong with me’… ‘where is my flaw’… ‘how broken am I’…

I reached out to Christy… poured out my feelings… and she told me in no uncertain terms to give my head a shake… It’s not you… you are you… a strong and able person… capable… unwilling to play second.. unwilling to be placed on the back burner. It is going to take an equally strong, confident, and secure man to accept you for who you are and to treat you as you deserve (I’m so paraphrasing there… that was the general gist of the very eloquent SmartenTheHellUp speech that she gave me).

I then reached out to… of all people, my ex… I know eh???!!! HOLY! I asked him to answer me when he had time.. what it was… what it is about me that caused him to treat me so badly. Christy said to be ready for whatever his answer may be; that I may not like it, because truth can hurt… so be ready… So I braced myself.

So, I wiped my tears and started to concentrate on the needed; the necessary. That exam.

I worked well into the wee small hours on that; literally until I could not type what I was wanting to type. Instead my fingers had taken on a life and mind of their own and all that was coming out was gibberish…

During that time, I did receive a response from my ex… and it was (seems to be) a very honest and heartfelt response… One that made me cry a few tears and breath a little differently at that moment… One that made me wonder… If I had known all of those things that he wrote… where would he and I be right now?

Once the gibberish started flowing freely across my computer screen and my thoughts were more like molasses than any logical thought… I crawled into my bed and I slept the sleep of the dead…

And now friends, THIS is where tides changed…. This is where life, lessons, and logic all clicked and formed a picture that was easy to understand….

I woke up this morning, popped my toothbrush in my head… and then looked into the mirror… and guess who I saw….?? Guess…???

ME…

Not the ‘me’ that has been strolling around living my life for the last almost 12 months… ME… the real me… The strong me… The whole me… Spark and all…

I leaned a bit closer to the mirror… took a good look… and said “Hello, I’ve missed you”.

I didn’t even realize she was gone… I had no idea… All I knew was that… well, welcome home old friend!!!

And I started to think… How did this happen??? Didn’t someone just kick me in the face and toss me to the curb??? How can I be back? Am I not still fighting for justice; for what’s right? How can I be back? Am I not still struggling every day? How can I BE BACK????

Then I realized…

ALL OF THOSE THINGS… plus the words from my ex… the verbal shake from Christy… it all helped wake ME back up… Bring me back from the very long slumber that I had been taking.

It all brought me back… all of it…

So thank you Christy… for giving me a talking to when I needed it. Thanks for being the best friend this girl could ever have… thanks for being my sister….

Thanks to my ex for answering my question with as much thought as you did… I’m sure that wasn’t easy… honesty never is… but I think the fact that you now seem to be trying to be honest with yourself and with me… well, it may help us on a road that is going to be much better for Wee….

To all of my friends… my near and my dear… thanks for putting up with me… and listening to me… and walking beside me… and listening some more… and putting up with me some more… even when you knew the outcome… you knew what was coming… you saw it… when I didn’t want to… you saw it… but you stood back and silently propped me up, waited for the fall, caught me when I fell… and never once said ‘I told you so’… Thank you.

And to the face kicker… Thanks… Thanks for your bad behavior which proved to ME that I am worth more than being on the Sale rack in life… That reminded me that I am a BETTER person… That I am WORTH only the best. ME… I AM WORTH IT!!! And, thanks for the poor excuses for your bad behavior… They reminded me that bad behavior breeds bad excuses and, there is no way that you are going to get anything other than a bad excuse to account for bad behavior. And, thank you for reinforcing the fact that I should ALWAYS follow my gut… I would have saved myself a whole lot of pain if I had followed my gut… But I didn’t, and now I’m stronger, richer, and better for it. So, thanks. You can exit stage left now. You’re no longer welcome in my book of life.

And, to my dear dear dear brother Greg… Thank you… thank you for picking the theme song for today… and for my many future today’s… Thank you… Great choice….

I love you all… Well, except for the face kicker… but he will never be spoke of again…

The song for today… Do play it when you have time!!!Damn Right I’m Somebody ~ Fred Wesley and the J.B.’s

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Sometimes all of the words… Everything that you have to say…. NEED to say… Sometimes… Sometimes they can all be found in a song….

That’s the case right now.

I have a million feelings. A million emotions. A million….

And I have an ache… that ache that starts in the pit of your stomach and seems to fill and radiate into every organ that you carry within your abdominal and chest cavity… That ache that seems to ebb and flow with the beating of your heart…. That ache that leaves you feeling in turn breathless and nauseous…

That ache… we all know that ache. It’s the ache of your heart breaking…

And right now… right now… only one song fits… Only one.

Tomorrow it might be another one… or maybe the next day… or maybe after I write my exam… Or maybe a week from now…

But right now… it’s just…

Just the ache… the ache… the nausea… and the song….

I woke up early this morning around 4amWith the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstateI pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleepBut thoughts of us kept keeping me awakeEver since you found yourself in someone else’s armsI’ve been tryin’ my best to get alongBut that’s OKThere’s nothing left to say, but….

Take your records, take your freedomTake your memories, I don’t need ’emTake your space and take your reasonsBut you’ll think of meAnd take your cap and leave my sweater‘Cause we have nothing left to weatherIn fact I’ll feel a whole lot betterBut you’ll think of me, you’ll think of me.

I went out driving trying to clear my headI tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions leftI guess I’m feeling just a little tired of thisAnd all the baggage that seems to still existIt seems the only blessing I have left to my nameIs not knowing what we could have beWhat we should have beenSo….

Take your records, take your freedomTake your memories, I don’t need ’emTake your space and take your reasonsBut you’ll think of meAnd take your cap and leave my sweater‘Cause we have nothing left to weatherIn fact I’ll feel a whole lot betterBut you’ll think of me.

Someday I’m gonna run across your mindDon’t worry, I’ll be fineI’m gonna be alrightWhile you’re sleeping with your prideWishing I could hold you tightI’ll be over youAnd on with my life.

So take your records, take your freedomTake your memories, I don’t need ’emAnd take your cap and leave my sweater‘Cause we have nothing left to weatherIn fact I’ll fell a whole lot betterBut you’ll think of me.

You’ll Think Of Me ~ Keith Urban

And you will… You will think of me… Because you know what…???! You won the lottery when you met me… me and Wee… You won the jackpot when I let you into our lives… into our bubble…

Like this:

If you ask a millionaire, they’re likely to say money, and lots of it.

If you’re to ask the poor, they’re likely to say debt, and lots of it.

If you’re to ask a parent, they’re likely to say worry, and lots of it.

If you’re to ask a grandparent, they’re likely to say life, and lots of it.

If you’re to ask a poet, they’re likely to say heartache, and lots of it.

And if you ask me… well… Here’s what I’ve got:

My gorgeous Wee who makes every moment worth living.My great friends who make every road worth travelling.My little dog who makes every moment something to behold; and not always in a good way.My cats who make me crazy.My health.My life.My dreams.My goals.My ambitions.My desires.My drive.My hopes.My heart.

And, I guess that about sums up the what I’ve got in life right now.

I guess if you look at that list; look really hard; you can see that there are some holes…. I am working very hard; very very hard; to ensure that some of those holes are filled very very soon….. so that Wee and I can have a great life… not just a good life… but a GREAT life.

And, well, some of those holes can’t be filled…. not by me alone…. and they can’t be forced to fill… They can’t be pushed to fill…. I just have to bide my time and continue to make cautious choices that will pave the way for those holes to be filled…. filled in their own time.

Until those holes can be filled…. can be filled as they deserve to be… There is me… Me and Wee… pushing for more… striving for better… and chasing our dreams along the path of life…

Together.

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavementsEven if it leads nowhere?Or would it be a waste even if I knew my placeShould I leave it there?Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavementsEven if it leads nowhere?

I build myself up and fly around in circlesWait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingleFinally could this be it?

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But me…. ME!!!… of all people… ME!!! I’m utterly wordless…. or is it just that I can’t seem to find the RIGHT words to put everything down…?

I can feel the thoughts rolling in my head… looking for a way out… but… I can’t seem to grasp any one thought hard enough to be able to look at it so that I can find the words to bring it to life…

I hate that.

One thought that I can put into words… but not really adequate words… because I don’t think there are enough words to express this one thought… or even enough ‘right words’…. but… I’ll give it a shot…

Sorry if this falls short.

Sometimes, sometimes, and we ALL have those times… you wonder… you wait for a sign and wonder quietly… When.. when will there be a sign… A sign… a public acknowledgement….?? When? When will John Q. Public know about ‘We’… and I’m not talking Wee… I’m talking ‘We’… ‘Us’…

The great ‘Us’…

So… the lack of knowledge… the lack of PUBLIC knowledge… it leaves you wondering… well, am I making too much of ‘Us’…? Am I investing too much? Am I giving too much? Am I way ahead of where ‘Us’ is??? IS THERE EVEN AN ‘US’ to fret over?

Or am I fretting for nothing….??? Because there is no ‘Us’ except in MY mind…. *sigh*…

Public acknowledgement.. we all crave it… we all want it… on some level… yes, even you men do!! Don’t lie!! We ALL need it on some level… Some people more than others; yes, that is true… but we all need it to some degree…

So, you check your Facebook… “Have I been tagged”… “Have I been mentioned”… “Has something changed that will tell others”…??????

You wait for the PDA’s… “Will they happen”… “Do I initiate”….????

You wait for the public ‘run into people’ introductions…. “Do I just jump in and say Hi”… “Do I wait”… “Do I stand at their side waiting for the introduction”…. “Do I slink away when it becomes obvious that there is going to be no introduction”…..????

You wait to meet those near and dear…. “Do I start the introductions first”… “Is it too soon”… “How soon is too soon”…. “How long is too long to wait”….. ?????????

Oh the questions… the quandaries….

Sure, yes… life is busy… I know all about a busy life… Hence the questions…

How long is really too long to wait in the background… wait for someone to begin to stand up and say ‘Us’….. ???

Well, I must hang my head and sadly admit that I LIKE when people are happy about their status… happy about being with me and sharing my time… happy enough to advertise it to the world… or at least their corner of the world… It makes me feel special, secure… and like I matter….

Petty? Trivial??? Perhaps….

And those very facts were made very apparent to me tonight… THOSE THINGS DO MATTER TO ME… but really, they are petty and trivial compared to the small things that the person does for ‘Us’…

Whether it was an absolute coincidence… or because I mentioned that “I miss yer face”…. or because I mentioned how I was feeling… or that Wee was asking…. I don’t care what brought it on…. I’m going to believe it was all of the later and not an absolute coincidence… Please don’t bust my bubble on that…. Let me believe it was because I was missing… because I mentioned how I was feeling… and that Wee was asking…

He showed up… he came over… coffee in hand… a smile on his exhausted face… and stayed for a while… when really, what he really wanted to be doing was curling up in his bed and watching TV, resting his tired body and mind…. He smiled and he came over… and the opening of my door was the sweetest sound to me… me and my Wee…

Thanks Pete… Thanks for coming…

And there it is my friends… My public acknowledgement that ‘We’ have had obstacles… that ‘We’ have had trials… but ‘We’ seem to be able to work those things out…. and ‘We’ seem to be thriving…

Here’s my public announcement… There’s an ‘Us’… and I’m proud of that… and happier than hell to be part of that ‘Us’.

Seriously, this was one of those days where you should NOT get out of bed. You should just pull the covers over your head and STAY THERE ALL DAY… Don’t move. Don’t touch anything… Don’t THINK… you’ll break something… you will, so don’t do anything!!!

But seriously… I don’t get it… I don’t….

I drive a 2001 Sunfire… Not a great car… but it starts when I turn the key and it gets Wee and I where we need to go… it’s a ‘for now’ car… Better than two feet and a heartbeat…

SOMEONE FUCKING KEYED MY CAR!!!

And no, not just a ‘woops, hit the car’… All around… all 4 sides.. and dug right in with that fucking key…. let me tell ya!!!

I see the disaster… and I get mad… WHO THE HELL…!!!!!!!

First I call Pete… I try to narrow it down… “When you moved my car did you notice it was keyed?”……….. “What? NO!”…

OK… so it likely happened sometime after that… that was at about 8am… But this feels personal… all 4 sides of my car… deep scratches… this feels personal… What if Pete just didn’t notice it??? What if he just didn’t notice…???

Well, then you know what name popped into my head… Of course you do… and how could it not?? Can you blame me???

And I start thinking… he did seem a bit pissy this morning when he dropped Wee off… I was a few minutes late getting out of bed, hitting the shower… I didn’t have the door open for him when he showed… he seemed pissed… He wouldn’t, would he??? He wouldn’t go THAT low would he…??? The man who sat down with people he claimed to not like.. people in my family that he said he didn’t like… He wouldn’t go key-my-car-low; WOULD HE????

Ummmm……

So I texted… told him the problem.. and flat out asked him… did you do it… pretty low if you did…

He’s kind… understanding of my feelings… and of the issue… no anger… just a simple “No.. I wouldn’t do that to you… that’s beyond low.” And because he was so calm about it… so matter of fact… he didn’t bluster… he didn’t rant… he didn’t call me crazy….. I believe him. Maybe I shouldn’t, but I do…

So I kept turning to him for advice… what to do… I can’t afford this… Thankfully he was patient and kind…. thankfully… “Touch it up and move on. That’s all you can do”.

But I’m still furious… It still feels personal…

So, then I move along in the day… and start trying to prepare things to take Wee to the zoo tomorrow… So, as per usual, I’m checking the car over; tire pressure, lights, obvious leaks… all of the things you should check before you hit the road… and, yes, I noticed something else wrong with the car… A bulge… a bulge in one of the front tires… the front tires I had just recently picked up in good shape from a used tire place… EFF ARE YOU KIDDING ME!

So, now guess who has to get new tires… that’s right… ME. FUCK.

Now here I sit… so wanting to just drink away this day… sipping a beer… wishing it was wine… wishing for a do-over on this day…

Furious that someone picked my piece of shit Sunfire to key….

Furious that I didn’t even get 5 months out of a set of used tires…

Furious that every time I get a bit of money in the bank life blows up and spends 5 times that amount on me…

Sometimes the Wants and Needs in life do get confused… by not only the person doing the Wanting or Needing, but, sometimes, also by those involved in the Want or Need….

An example of that for clarity.

Want: A partner.

Need: A good dentist.

Do you see the difference???

There is not a single person out there that NEEDS someone else in their life… but EVERYONE at some time or another does NEED a good dentist.

And then we get into that grey area… That area where Want and Need intersects… mash together… the line between Want and Need becomes fuzzy…

An example of this concept for clarity.

Want: Close, trusted, strong, capable, loving friends.

Need: Close, trusted, strong, capable, loving friends.

Let me tell you, if it wasn’t for those close, trusted, strong, capable, and loving friends… I would not be sitting HERE RIGHT NOW… typing this blog… I don’t know where I would be but, it very likely would be a very unhappy and unhealthy place… So yes, I want those friends… but I have also needed those friends; as we all do at points in our lives… Needed them to help me stay strong, stand tall, and keep my head. Needed them to remind me of WHO I AM… where I am going… and what my goal is… So, yes, those people are a Want and a Need.

So, now we get down to my Wants and Needs that are facing me right now….

I Want: The bottle of beer. The half a chocolate bar…

I Need: Sleep. Rest. Peace of mind that school is going to end up being worth the ulcer it is causing.

And the grey area: A damn good cry… I honestly just want to sit down in the company of someone who will listen and not judge… someone who will have an open ear… an open heart… and a strong shoulder… and just cry all of my fears and doubts out…

Sometimes, to make life look a bit brighter, you just have to cry some tears…..

Sometimes, to make life make a bit more sense, you just have to clean away the crap with a few million tears….

Sometimes, to be able to breath again… to be able to stand strong again… you just need to let it all out… be weak for a few moments… tear yourself down… so that you can rebuild from the ground up and stand a little taller, a little stronger, than you did before you tore yourself down.

Sometimes… sometimes… to make it all make sense, you just have to babble incoherently for a while….

Sometimes that’s all it takes to make everything make sense… A damn good cry.