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Day Twenty-Two

My kids are back with me today. The world feels better,
feels more right, when they are around. These ‘detox’ tablets or whatever they
are the naturopath has me on aren’t making me feel any different… at all. I
mean, I’ll give them time and I’ll see what she has to say when I speak to her
next but so far, nothing has changed.

Weigh-in today was better than I expected but less than what
I hoped for. I only lost 300 grams last week and I can’t figure out why.
Nothing changed. Unless I’ve been getting up and sleep eating, nothing changed.
So, I don’t understand the massive mid-week gain and I don’t understand the
small full-week drop. It does put me at 136.7 kgs though. I got to I think
exactly this weight about a year ago but then I kept fluctuating between this
and 140 all year last year. That leaves me to wonder if my body has gone, well
no, this is the smallest you’ve been for a long time so anything less is not
healthy, it means you’re starving… or some shit. I dunno. I will keep going
though. My body will learn that it is safe to release/use the stored fat. I
don’t need to keep holding on to it. I’m not about to go into famine either
physically or emotionally. I no longer need protecting from the world. It is
time for me to step up and step out and it’s safe for me to do so. I appreciate
all my body has done to protect me over the years, I have had a lot of
emotional battery but it’s okay. I am okay. So as long as I keep going with
this, my body will catch on and it will work with me, I know it. My body has
always been a quick healer, a quick regenerator and that is all this is, this
journey to a healthier weight… it’s regenerating.

I did find it difficult today though. Going shopping
with/for the kids again and trying to think of food. It is hard when I have to
think of food. I think that is why the OF works for me. I don’t have to think
about it. The OF is my way of literally going cold turkey. I know it’s not good
for me, really, long term, but a big part of me just wants to live on it
forever more. I hate having to think about food because the second I have to
think about food things go hinky. I mean, I only got the kids stuff but then I
got home and I was dividing the chips and the teevee snacks up into small
baggies for the kids to take to school and I had 3 of the grainwaves chips and
1 of the teevee snacks and when I was cutting open their bread rolls to toast
under the grill holy fucking shit it smelled so good and it literally took
every single ounce of my being to not rip off the small bits that hang off the
bun and shove them in my mouth. I just knew if I did, I might not be able to
stop. I am worried this is the start of the snowball you know? I hope it’s not.
I really hope it’s not. I worry that it is though. At the shops even my brain
had fallen into its normal mode thinking about getting coke or fizzy drink,
thinking about getting biscuits and such. I think I shocked it when I caught
myself thinking those things and very consciously said to myself, no, I don’t
consume that stuff anymore.

So, today, I don’t feel like I won. I don’t feel like I won
because I ate a lot of chicken and I caved and had a few of the little snacky
things and I drank more aloe vera juice and while I know it’s not packed with
sugar and aloe vera is really good for you… it’s so sweet and delicious it
feels bad for me.

I got a referral to a dietitian and a psychologist though,
so I’m going to take the ingredient list to the dietitian and see what she says
and when I eventually go to the psychologist, I will focus mostly on the weight
loss and also on the social anxiety around making friends. It was nice to have
Kara tell me she thinks I’m awesome though. Yet still there is that part of my
brain that IMMEDIATELY comes back with, “she doesn’t mean it, she’s just saying
that to be nice.” Like, what the actual fuck brain? :/ Maybe she really does
like me, maybe she really does think I’m nice, think I’m awesome, enjoyed
spending time arting with me as much I enjoyed spending time with her. Yet that
thought is pervasive. How could anyone ever like me. Seriously, I totally
overthought it all after I dropped her off. Does that ever go away?

Anyway, even though I don’t feel like I won today, I really
did. I won hard. Because I didn’t eat the bread and I didn’t just shove
handfuls of the grainwaves into my mouth and I only had ONE teevee snack not
10. So while today was rough and today I wasn’t 100% compliant to my weight
loss journey, today, I still won.