Sonic the Hedgehog and Sonic restaurants. Chevy says its new Sonic will be cool, but you have a better chance of getting lucky if you have your date over to play Sega Genesis and scarf tater tots and limeade.

Volvo XC90

P90X

What is it?

A three-row crossover promising to get your family around in safety and comfort

A workout program promising rock-hard abs after 90 days of misery

Who is featured in the ads?

Active families

Toned, active single people

Who actually buys them?

Families that wish they were more active

Inactive family men, lonely women

Most likely to be found

In snowy suburbs, upscale parking lots

On dusty closet shelves, Craigslist

A used Corvette. Just embrace your midlife crisis.

Lotus Elite

1337 (pronounced leet)

What is it?

A concept sports car from the British company

Internet and gamer slang for being elitevery successful in online endeavors

Part of a desperate plan to

Reinvent Lotus as a mainstream sports-car company

Earn distinction among people youll never meet

Fueled by

Gasoline, a hybrid system

Packs of acne-ravaged teenage boys

Cost

Over $150,000if its ever built

Your dignity

Draw. Neither exists in the material world.

Nissan Cube

Ice Cube

What is it?

A portly economy car that many shoppers forget is out there

A portly rapper cum actor that many people forget is out there

Real name

Nissan Versa

OShea Jackson

Opinion on automatics

Equipment-rich higher trims available only with a continuously variable automatic

Used to hang with a guy named Mack 10

Softening in old age led to

Styling meant to resemblewere not making this upa bulldog in sunglasses

Starring in The Longshots, the touching story of a girl playing Pop Warner football

Ice Cube. Softening or not, we still dont want to piss off a guy with friends named after guns.

Kia Optima

Optimus Prime

What is it?

A recently redesigned and highly competitive mid-size family sedan

The leader of the Autobots, self-aware robots from another planet in the Transformers cartoons and films