6/10

You know that sinking feeling when you realise your celebrity crush (in my case Chad Michael Murray) has just become another washed up movie star that didn’t continue to prosper? (What happened after One Tree Hill?) That’s what Kylie and friends felt like for me last Saturday on the South Perth Foreshore.

The weather was dismal for March and I guess that was just the beginning. The staff had no idea where to send people for seating areas and I think those in their ponchos and high backed chairs, all the way at the back, didn’t seem like they were really in the mood for anything, especially not DJ Grandmaster Baitz. Sporting an Evel Knievel inspired jumpsuit and a sweatband he was a real dad on the decks – none of the songs were being danced to until the MC promised a free ticket to the next A Day on the Green for the best dancer. Everyone sat down immediately after.

Hatchie

After an opening set from promising Brisbane dream pop up and comer Hatchie, it felt like the wrong gig for Client Liaison – a pink suit with matching glasses and cummerbund tried to send a cool, edgy ‘computer era’ vibe but it was more just arrogance and some questioning pitch that everyone talked over. At least he got in a costume change for White Limousine, including earrings, and the appearance of the keytar.

Client Liason

Before we were nearly driven insane by the 40 minutes of shitty 90s anthems, Jake Shears glittered onto stage with sounds akin to Playschool in New York. The cool multicultural guitarists and saxophonist were the only artists worth mentioning before the former Scissor Sisters frontman introduced a song with “this is about something that grows on your face – no, not herpes, because God knows I love a big hairy moustache.” Get out the Vaudeville hook because you are cancelled, Mr Shears.

Jake Shears

With a last iota of glimmering hope, Kylie Minogue’s Broadway styled sign, which looked hand cut by a seven-year old, glowed yellow as the stage transformed with a ramp and a starry night sky background before a long Latin American guitar intro took us into maybe a Mexican desert, or was it Western? Cowboy silhouettes emerged from backstage before Ms Minogue appeared in a pink shift with iridescent spots and began Golden.

Kylie

Maybe I remembered her more fondly in my youth with more vocal strength and maybe I’ve just become way more critical with the outstanding talent that comes out of Perth, but her wispy bubblegum pop just wasn’t cutting it even when the cowboys (and girls) were throwing themselves across the stage for Get Outta My Way.

A tender moment came with an unfortunately pre-recorded Blue Velvet before finishing with an altered version of Confide in Me.

Kylie

The glamorous diva with golden microphone was reduced to Kmart-esque costumes and slogans such as “health, laughter and love” before casting the whiskey aside and plowing into a biker rally scene. The acoustic version of Can’t Get You Out of My Head was not nearly what the crowd yearned for, unfortunately. With a little more pop princess she was adorned with a jacket that sported the words “PERTH GOLDEN”.

Kylie

We didn’t get Chocolate (terribly underrated) but Slow in a leather jacket added a dash of sultriness and spice. Wrapping up the night with a Studio 54 theme the crowd at the far back were Spinning Around like the ages they were when it was first released. She finished on the biggest high of the night with On a Night Like This blasting through South Perth, with lasers to compliment. The crowd seemed happy with the display, but it’s sad sometimes that our memories of something are better than they really turn out to be.