Every Sex Dream I’ve Had About the Pokémon in Detective Pikachu, Ranked

My therapist told me the best way to process my many sex dreams about the realistic CGI Pokémon from Pokémon: Detective Pikachu was to write about them and free myself from my shame. If Emma Watson can fall in love with a bear-goat-man in Beauty and the Beast, why can’t I enjoy fantasizing about being in the throes of passion with a Snorlax? I’m here world, I exist. Here is every sex dream I’ve had about Pokémon, ranked by how desperately I needed to wash the sheets the next morning.

8: Lickitung

While your preconceived notions about Lickitung’s prowess are absolutely correct, as there are few things a tongue the size of Danny Devito couldn’t do, the biggest hurdle in my Lickitung sex dream was after we made love. While it’s nice to be pleasured for half an hour straight, the cool down is one of the most vital parts of establishing both physical and emotional bonds with your Pokémon lover, and that’s where Lickitung failed miserably. Even after offering to be the big spoon, he refused to cuddle with me, instead lying beside me and mindlessly scrolling through his Tinder matches. He swiped right on everybody, and his opening line was the same for everyone as it was for me; “Lickitung.” I felt used and hurt. Easily my worst Pokémon sex dream.

7: Aipom

The all-too-human teeth on the CGI Aipoms were a big hurdle for me and make me very nervous for my eventual dream about Sonic the Hedgehog, but when you get enough of them in a room and start blurring the line between human teeth and Aipom teeth, there are a lot of very interesting sensations that can come about. I’m not particularly interested in having another sex dream about an Aipom, but I’ve always said I’ll try anything once, and I think I’m a worldlier person for creating the beast with twelve backs with a bunch of Aipoms.

6: Loudred

One of the most important things about sharing an intimate bond with a Pokemon is feedback. Nobody wants to not make their partner feel good, and the most wonderful moments come from proper communication. Loudred is an exceptional communicator, blasting the noise of a jet turbine right in your ears when you’ve done something she likes so you know to continue. The only issue with this is that my ears started to bleed, something my Loudred seemed unhappy with, but unfazed by. Blood play isn’t my thing, so no more Loudreds for me.

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5: Greninja

So apparently webbed fingers are … a thing for me.

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4: Snubbull

A grumpy Pokémon with a heart of gold, the first four hours of my Snubbull sex dream was just getting her to open up to me, and yes that is a pun. Snubbull’s clearly been hurt by crude and cruel men in the past, so it took a lot for me to break down her defenses and offer her a night of passionate intimacy that she hadn’t felt in decades. Snubbull cried in my arms, we held each other, we loved each other. Even though we both knew it couldn’t last, the next morning, when Snubbull left my apartment, she smiled at me like she had just gotten a new lease on life. I wouldn’t trade that smile for the world.

3: Mr. Mime

The moment that I realized I was in a Mr. Mime sex dream, I got very nervous. Objectively the creepiest Pokémon, Mr. Mime’s lack of a voice worried me, but I was swept off my feet by his expressive and honest eyes, as well as his very thorough use of sign language. Mr. Mime was gentle and meek with me, he knew his disadvantages and had no misconceptions about his place in the Pokémon world. A sweet, tender night with Mr. Mime was the most unexpected dream I had since seeing Detective Pikachu, and even though we went our separate ways when I woke up, I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

2: Ditto

While Ditto might be an unfair Pokemon to place here due to its ability to change into whatever it needs to in order to satisfy me, I can’t deny how magnificent the dream was. Ditto was kind and generous, offering to transform itself into the image of my ex-girlfriend Karen, who left me after I started moaning the names of various Digimon, Beyblade, or other Japanese mascot-based toy lines during sex. Karen, if you’re reading this, please come back. But for the record you are much hotter with only those dead black beads for eyes.