Four Steps to Effective Prayer

Am I talking to a wall? And doesn’t God already know what I need?

There are four primary misconceptions that prevent us from effectively communicating with our Creator through prayer.

It feels like we are talking to a wall. Since we don't actually see God or sense Him with any of our five senses, how can we have a conversation with Him? A one-way dialogue is awkward at best; at worst a little crazy.

It makes no sense to pray to God if He knows our needs. He'll either give us what we want if we need it, or He won’t if we don't. How can prayer change His mind?

God doesn't seem to answer our prayers. Sometimes we pray for an ill person and he dies anyway. Or we pray for years to find a soul-mate or to have children and our requests go unanswered. So why keep trying?

Standardized prayer is a drag. How can you have a natural conversation with someone if you don't get to decide what to say and when to say it? That's not called communication.

Let’s explore each of these blocks and see how a small change in perspective can make all the difference.

1. It feels like I'm talking to a wall.

Most people believe in the power of prayer. Late for an important meeting and looking for a parking spot, taking a major exam, if a loved one is sick, we instinctively utter a prayer and ask for help. That means we must believe that we are talking to Someone real out there.

How many times have you spoken to a friend on the phone, possibly not letting him/her get a word in edge-wise for a half hour straight? You spoke without losing your train of thought, with passion and interest, without seeing or hearing the person on the other end! Your knowledge that they were listening was so strong that you managed a monologue beautifully!

So, it is not the lack of tangibility that causes us to lose interest in prayer; it’s that we don't concretize to ourselves how real God is, and what an incredible opportunity it is to speak to Him.

Imagine you were told that the President of the United States will be sitting at his phone tomorrow morning at 8 am sharp, waiting for your call, and prepared to give you 20 minutes of his time to hear your concerns and answer your questions.

Is there a chance you'd oversleep or need to do other things instead?

God, who is infinitely more powerful and benevolent than the President, has given you His personal cell phone number and is waiting for your call. When you pray, meditate for a few moments on the fact that you are having a rendezvous with the Master of the Universe.

2. God knows what I need. Why is prayer necessary?

On the sixth day of creation, before man was created, it says:

"And no tree of the land had grown and no shrubs of the field were existent because no man was there to work the land" (Genesis, 2:5).

This is odd since on the third day of creation it says:

"And the earth brought forth grass …trees of fruit…" (Genesis, 1:12)

Where was all the grass that was created on the third day by the time the sixth day rolled around?

Rashi, an 11th century commentator, explains:

"Since there was no man yet to appreciate the need for rain, God held the grass and trees under the surface of the ground until man came, prayed for rain, and then it rained and they pushed forth out of the ground" (Rashi on Genesis, 2:5).

This is a profound concept to think about. God had intended all along to allow man to enjoy fruit and vegetables, grass and trees, but He made sure that first Adam and Eve felt the lack, turned to God to request it, and only then He gave them what they asked for.

God creates a need because He desires a relationship with you. He wants you to turn to Him.

In fact, having all you need is not necessarily a blessing. In the story of Adam and Eve, the snake was given the following consequence for his part in the sin: "You are the most cursed of all the creatures...on your belly you shall crawl and your food will be the dust of the earth" (Genesis, 3:14).

Sounds like a good deal: you crawl around on the ground and your livelihood and sustenance is everywhere! The commentaries explain that God is telling the snake, “I don’t want to ever see you or hear from you again. Here’s everything you need. Have a nice life. Now get out of here.”

Rabbi Noah Weinberg, zt”l, told a story about Steve, who went away to college back in the olden days when there was no Internet and only snail mail.

Weeks passed with not a single word from Steve. His parents were beside themselves with worry and frustration. One day Steve's grandfather came over with a letter from Steve, detailing all his courses, his social life, his experiences on campus. His parents were amazed. “How did you get a letter from him? We must have sent a dozen letters and messages and no word!”

“Well,” Grandpa said, “I sent him a letter requesting to hear all about life in college, told him we were all worried, signed, ‘Your loving Grandpa. P.S. Enclosed is a check for $100 to use at your discretion.’ And I didn’t enclose the check."

Yes God knows what we need. But He wants the relationship.

As long as Steve had all he needed, he wasn't motivated to turn to his parents or grandparents just to shoot the breeze. But once a lack was created, the thought of having had that $100 was strong enough to motivate him to write back, describe college at length, and then add a P.S at the end "By the way, Gramps, you forgot to enclose that check!"

Yes God knows what we need; after all He’s the One giving us those lacks. But He wants the relationship; He wants us to turn to Him, acknowledge His presence and realize He’s the source of what we need.

3. God doesn't seem to answer our prayers

A change of perspective is crucial here: God is always listening and answering our prayers. It's up to us to listen to the answers. Sometimes the answer is "no." Sometimes it’s "not right now" or "work on patience or some other character trait and ask me again next week/ next month/ next year."

We have to evaluate whether what we asked for was truly beneficial to us in the long run. If it is, maybe there's some other growth that is expected of us in order to receive what we wish for.

God is not a candy machine. Asking sparks a dialogue. We need to learn to look out for God's responses, try to understand and accept them, and then re-evaluate our own choices and requests. And keep asking, with renewed understanding, awareness, trust and connection to God.

4. Why standardized prayer?

Imagine you had to make an important presentation to a board of trustees as part of your application for a large grant. Would you write down some notes to make sure you didn’t forget crucial details? Would you be thrilled to get some excellent advice from experts in the field who know many "tricks of the trade"?

Like speaking to the CEO of a major firm, when speaking to God, it’s important to have clarity about what you want and why you want it, in order to achieve maximum results. The Sages of the Great Assembly, comprised of Torah giants, wrote the main prayers found in the Siddur, the Jewish prayer book, giving us a structure to use when approaching God. The structure turns our focus to three things: to Whom we are speaking, what we should be asking for, and how to properly acknowledge and thank God for what we have.

If it were left up to our mood or our own evaluation of our needs, it’s likely that our prayers would be inconsistent and lack clarity. The Sages are giving us insider secrets – here are the essential things to ask for. This is what’s really important. Standardized prayer serves as the starting point for our dialogue with God. It should not end there.

We need to inject our personal feelings and requests into the standard formula, and make the words our own.

We need to inject our personal feelings and requests into the standard formula, and make the words our own. Without that, prayer is reduced to a mechanical recitation of a script, like a telemarketer's opening lines. Where’s the genuine relationship?

You need to "get off the page" and speak freely with God, express your deep desires, wishes and feelings within the standard formula.

This takes preparation, like any important presentation. Give yourself a few minutes at the start of the day, and think about your personal needs. Then take a look at the Amidah prayer, the main prayer which includes 19 blessings encompassing the Jewish people’s overarching dreams and needs: health, livelihood, wisdom, redemption, peace etc.

Take your list of needs, find the blessing that matches your need, and insert your personal words in to the blessing, in your own language with your own reflections and nuances.

For example, your son has been misbehaving and you’re anticipating having a difficult conversation today with his teacher. You might put in the request for wisdom: "Please help me find the words with which to explain to the teacher why I need to keep this kid in class; please give the teacher the insight to perceive the causes for my child's difficulties and help us both have the wisdom to figure out a solution that will be best for all parties involved."

Answered Prayer

I learn over the phone with Yonah, a self-proclaimed non-religious woman from Tel Aviv. Last week she told me that she’s been going through some financial difficulties, and that she really wanted some extra cash so she could take some time off to come to Jerusalem to study on a regular basis. "So I woke up very early one morning and discussed the problem with God." By 2:00pm that afternoon, she had two new clients make appointments to see her, "and these two people are committed to coming for a while and have already recommended me to a number of other people. I didn't even know how to pray, but my prayers were answered!"

I was amazed. Here is a woman who calls herself non-religious and yet she wakes up early in the morning to pray? And she wasn’t even surprised that her prayer was answered. "I've been thinking a lot about this entity you call God, and I realized that the natural consequence of this belief in an Infinite Being is that He can do anything He wants, He has all the power in the world, and He hears me when I speak to Him. How could I not take advantage of such an opportunity?"

Yonah understood the art of Jewish prayer. She turned to God, connecting to His presence and power, she had the clarity about what she needed and why, and she spoke to God directly, with sincerity, in her own words, and then waited to for an answer.

We can all learn from Yonah. Pick up the phone. God is waiting for our call.

Visitor Comments: 16

(12)
Oded,
January 31, 2014 2:05 PM

Toda raba

I will put this into practice. I didn't know how to pray.

(11)
Fernando,
December 19, 2013 3:41 PM

I am a believer and I think this article has incredible insights, specially helps reinforce some stuff I didn't know I was doing right or wrong like my personal morning prayers... great article! thank you!

(10)
scott,
June 20, 2013 5:02 PM

Prayer

Maybe. But I think for me prayer is more about putting oneself in a position to listen. I daven the things I'm supposed to daven, most days I do it at home. Some days the prayer doesn't inspire. I have too many things on my my to let go and-I dunno-accept the rhythm of the davening. The peaks and valleys. The verbal, physical and emotional buildup to that place where I am talking-really talking-with G*d.

But every once in a while I do arrive at this amazing place and when I get there I feel as if I am doing a lot more listening than talking. I feel that the dialogue is more about synching my wants and desires with the things G*d knows I need for true fulfillment as opposed to the things that my brain reasons are necessary. Many times I leave this place with an entirely new plan for how things should be going in my life. I feel like I just remembered who I am. I always leave humbled.

I think G*d answers every prayer. It's just that most of us really don't listen to ourselves and G*d enough to know for what are actually praying. The true prayers of our heart aren't always what we think they are.

It says "Do his will as if it is your will so he will do your will as if it is his." I think this means that if you truly commit to a life of observance and prayer and openness to G*d (his will) the place I described is more available. The more we stand there, the more we synch our will to his and then our will actually becomes to do the things we wills us to do. Because they are the most right for us in the first place. The prayers we offer for the things on that path are our true prayers and I think he answers them even before we know we are offering them.

(9)
B ROGERS,
June 18, 2013 5:09 PM

ONENESS WITH GOD

I,AM NOT JEWISH I YET I FIND THIS VERY HELPFUL I THINKI IT IS VERY TRUE THAT PEOPLE WANT INSTANT GRADIFACATION THEY ARENT INTERESTED IN SIGNS OR DREAMS IF GOD GAVE EVERYBODY AT THE SAME TIME IN A CROWED CITY ALL THERE WISHES AT ONCE THEN MAN WOULD BE THE MASTER AND GOD THE SERVANT AND ANY ILKE PAREMNT HE SHE DESERVE MORE CONSIDERATION AND RESPECT WE ALL LIVE AMONGEST A GROWING POPULATION AND NON EXPANDING EARTH PERHAPS THE GREATES MERICAL WOULD BE IF P[EOPLE WOULD PRAY THAT GOD CREATE A BIGGER PLANET FOR ALL OF US BUT LIKE THE WRITER STATES IF EVERYBODY NEEDS WERE SATISFIED THEN WE,D BE LIKE ADAM AND EVE WITHOUT DELEMA AND THEREFORE WISHING FOR IT TO SATISFIE OUR EGERNACE ONE BY ONE TO STAND OUT IN THE EYES OF OUR GOD

(8)
Chaim,
June 18, 2013 4:20 PM

In Forest Fields

I would encourage everyone to read "In Forest Fields" by Rav Sholom Arush. This book teaches us how to do hitbudedut personal prayer. Davening and prescribed prayer are necessary and very important. However when we learn how to speak to Hashem in our own words in our daily personal prayer is when we take our relationship with Hashem to a whole new level.

(7)
Daphne,
June 18, 2013 3:13 PM

Anger is not the answer

God will never give us more than we can cope with. Sometimes we get an assignment(sick adult) to tend to, but first we have to ask God to show the reason for this task and what is lacking in an area connected to this situation to be able to find the answer to solve the problems. Did you let God know what you need the money for; how much and will you spend it for that purpose? Rethink your problem and approach God your father in a more humble way. And listen, he does not shout. If you care about him and need his help he is there. Blessings in His Name.

(6)
David Alan Fairman,
June 17, 2013 6:29 AM

SERVING GOD

Jewish prayer is not just asking for things, it is an attempt to serve God, Part of the morning and evening service is "kriat shma" the reading of Shma - i.e. God's prayer to us! Only then do we stand and pray to God, asking for the needs of our peopl;e, our families and ourselves. Even that is learning time - learning what is important in life and worth asking for. By reciting the same prayers each day we stand togethjer in thought and spirit with our fathers and grandparents, our neighbors and fellow Jews, and hopefully wigth our progeny.

(5)
Shosho. Spurlock,
June 17, 2013 1:28 AM

But it says there was no rain on the earth...that the dew watered the ground...so why would Adam pray for rain...he had never seen it? How would he know what to pray for? He talked to God every day in the garden...was that his prayer?

(4)
William McDill,
June 16, 2013 10:27 PM

Let God be in charge

The best prayer is the 'Lord's Prayer'; Let God run the Universe, that job is WAAAYYY above your pay grade. Just pray that you figure out what God wants you to do/believe. God gave us free will so we could be a companion- he also gave the opportunity to hand that free will back to God and just LISTEN!!

(3)
Anonymous,
June 16, 2013 8:55 PM

Really?

So I keep Shabbos, keep kosher, don't speak lashon hara, do mitzvohs and daven. And still I an in trouble on every front. Big money problems, a sick (adult) child, family difficulties and some things that other families would be horrified by. So I am pretty angry at G-d and I hope he knows it. I know some awful people sailing through life like on a dream. I get told this world doesn't count but I'm no longer buying that. Rabbis have proven useless over and over and not one Rabbi but several. And my current Rabbi is fond of saying that we aren't pulling the strings but G-d is. Well I say, thanks a ton. I still do what I am supposed to, but again, I am just not buying into it anymore. And please, don't call this a test. Is it fair to test the same people over and over and over again until they break? Really, that's what G-d wants?

sonia,
June 18, 2013 1:02 AM

you're angry

We all go through difficult times... and sometimes people you think are going hjappily through a perfect life... are just going through their own, different, problems. (Not to speak about "perfect lives" Hollwood stars may seem to have until they collapse) My saying is, life is like a math class: you learn to solve simple problems, you get more difficult ones. G d is in the picture, but yet we do not get to know the whole story... or sometimes... what it is that we're supposed to do in this mess. But since there is Intelligence running the planets, and there is Intelligence in the atoms, so there is in our realm. How so? I cannot explain. But there is a reason, a sense in things, and sometimes we can change them. That much I know. Out of my experience.

Marcia,
June 18, 2013 9:08 PM

nonsense Daphne

Daphne, are you for real?? That idea that Gd doesn't give us more than we can take is TOTAL nonsense and a real goyishe view. I am not sure where people got that idea from (Facebook I think) but it has absolutely no validity. Tons of people have more than they can handle though obviously not you. That is why there is sickness and death including suicide. Approach G-d in a more humble way?? How on earth do YOU know how I anyone approached G-d? Maybe I have asked for nothing and only give thanks? Am I really supposed to say what exactly it is that is needed? Where in the davening is that exactly? After candle lighting fri nights?

es58,
June 19, 2013 5:00 PM

thought experiment - NOT directed at you

1) Avrohom dovened for 99 years for a child,
and for the next 75 years that that child should succeed;
2) I am not suggesting that this would ***help*** any individual
who is going through difficult times at all, from the perspective of making their task easier; the question is, can it make it potentially more understandable:
imagine a different person with similar, seemingly insurmountable challenges; what if that person found out that in a former gilgul, he had been the one who sailed through life, while others, with heavy burdens, looked on ; (and, possibly, as he sailed through life, as we think we see some people do) was supposed to do so much more than sail;) so, he got "reset" to the burdened life to "start over";
the question is: from that removed perspective, the "bigger" picture, can we possibly even consider that there could be more balance than we first saw?

(2)
Jaya,
June 16, 2013 5:32 PM

Effective praying .

I was stunned to read that we do not always hear god,s answer to our prayers , some times his answer is no ! We imagine that he answers it only if he grants the wish exactly as we desire ! An eye opener for me .thank you .

(1)
Anonymous,
June 16, 2013 5:06 PM

prayer

I have read with great interest your article and I understand your point. I regularly pray and like the woman in your story has finicial difficulties and i WAS PRAYING BEFORE DIFFICULTIES and my dream was to work and learn Torah like your friend but unlike her I got no help .EXPLAIN

Anonymous,
June 16, 2013 10:03 PM

I have been questioning prayer, also. I pray and pray, but I don't hear or see any answers. But like the article mentioned, the answer may be a no or not yet. When I was younger, I prayed and prayed for Hashem to help me find a full time job and move into my own place. It has taken three years for that prayer to be answered, but when Hashem did answer my prayer everything flew together fast and in great timing. Maybe it will take years, but I hope and pray that He will let you know what you need to do.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
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