Musical Theater

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Not to be confused with Musical Theater, Musical Theatre refers to the religious and political movement founded by Nathan Lane, Michael Ball, Anthony Warlow and Liza Minnelli. Many followers of Musical Theatre have recently been led into the light by the teachings of Andrew Lloyd Webber, a marvelous composer who has given us some of the best melodies since Richard Rodgers, even if they are a little predictable and his harmonies are all in thirds. The Americans tend to have a dislike of Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber as they are jealous they do not get to see his shows first as they premiere in London. Then, however, when the shows move to Broadway the Americans try and steal them and claim that Stephen Sondheim wrote them.

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Musical Theatre is characterized by its worship of the demi-gods of Tragedy, Comedy, Tragicomedy, Homosexuality, Orgy, and its most important deity, Stephen Sondheim.

The precise dynamics of his worship are unclear, as apostasy from the ranks of Musical Theatre results in eternal damnation as a host or guest host on a third-rate reality show, or acting in a one-man/one-woman show in the slums of Cleveland. The religion is, by all reports, a cunning mixture of the theatricality of hard-core Satanism blended skillfully with the Lower Jersey Church of Celebrity Saints and Deities.

The sacrament of marriage holds little sway, as rampant promiscuity seems to be an article of faith.

Baptism involves a bottle of vodka, a recording of the OBC of "Annie Get Your Gun", and at least $350 worth of heroin, injected directly into the brain stem, in order to dull or deaden the parts of the brain that deal with telling yourself how incredibly stupid you look singing onstage dressed as a cat in face paint.

When a Thespian hath sinned, he or she shalt repent by listening, for ten minutes per sin, to Hannah Montana, High School Musical or rap.

For Opening Night, the holiest of all holy days, it is common for a female impersonator dressed as Bernadette Peters to be present in the audience as a sign of the God's approval. (Oh, sorry - that WAS Bernadette Peters.)

In 1960 the church suffered a schism, splitting into two distinct sects: Lloyd Webberists, and the Sondheimians.

Andrew Lloyd Webber and Stephen Sondheim are typically depicted in murals and tapestries locked in endless battle, with swords and guns, for the souls of their adherents.

There are two distinct capitals of the religion: The first one on Broadway in New York City and the second capital in the West End area of London. These two capitals often compete battle it out to see who can create the best musicals. Neither really like each other's imported shows, but they do like to steal each others stars.

Lower-level worshipers of the religion that cannot make the pilgrimage to these two cities participate in painful rituals called Community Theatre or High School Musicals.

Followers of Musical Theatre adhere to a strict dress code. While optional, apparel (when worn) must exhibit specific stylistic features, usually drawn from a particular historical period.
Politics form a very important part of the internal workings of Musical Theatre. Musical Theatre is governed hierarchically, based on a ranking system known as "voice type."

Tenors: The tenors form the ruling oligarchy of Musical Theatre. The bitchiest of all voice types, they exert their will upon all others by threat of using their whiny, incessantly annoying voices.

Sopranos: All sopranos aspire to be as fundamentally bitchy as tenors, though most never succeed due to sheer stupidity. Sopranos can sing higher than tenors. This is the only thing they have going for them.

Basses: The basses possess the deepest of all voices, and when they choose to, may exercise certain emergency vocal powers over The Tenors and Sopranos. Very rare, yet extremely undesirable in the religion of musical theatre. Basses, unlike sopranos and tenors, posses testicles.

Altos: Altos are like basses, only they are female. These ladies are usually viewed as the people who support the sopranos (lazy bitches)in the world of Musical Theatre. Altos possess breasts, and put them to good use.

Baritones: Baritones form the upper peasant-class of Musical Theatre. They are a common and unremarkable race.

Bari-tenor: A nasty watered down combination of a Tenor and a Baritone. Basically, a baritone who can hit anything higher than an F. Most commonly found trying to hit a high Ab.

Mezzo-Sopranos: Mezzo-Sopranos form the lower peasant-class of Musical Theatre. They are smarter and less bitchy than sopranos, but possess no notice spare for the incredible belting ability.

The birth of Musical Theatre is commonly believed to have taken place one beautiful mornin' in 1776. Upon delivery, mother and father Gilbert and Sullivan, respectively, eagerly started spreadin' the news. Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin, and John Adams were there to help welcome the little treasure into the world, as portrayed in the production 1776.

A not-so-fair lady by the name of Mary Martin spread false prophecies under the pretext of promoting Musical Theatre. Due to misuse, she was quickly silenced, and can no longer effectively convey her evil message to the world thanks to Musical Theatre Goddess known as Idina Menzel whom modern musical theatrists praise religiously.

The future of Musical Theatre is uncertain, though in the last 5 years (puns), it has enjoyed a completely insignificant boost in popularity.

Back in 2001 August,Broadway the home front of the musicals was having trouble drawing in audiences. However after the 911 Terrorist Attacks, more than ever people wanted to go into down town New York, and Times Square to see a musical, thereby saving the musical for all eternity.

In the last 50 or so years there has been a growing problem with actors dying of what the industry like to call 'Musical Theatre Syndrome' This rose dramatically in the last year as the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical 'Love Never Dies' was released which is the sequel to the bestseller 'The Phantom Of The Opera'. many people died of shock, some died as they could not stand the musical they loved being destroyed, some died in anticipation, most died as they got the soundtrack and heard the song 'The Beauty Underneath' and some died because of the pure delight of listening to the voices of Ramin Karimloo and Sierra Boggess. On opening night at least 287 people died when Summer Strallen, playing Meg, got her top off.

Symptoms of the disease include

Locking yorself in a room and listening to soundtracks non-stop or wacthing Musical films

Doing show's with more than 1 amateur society and once and dying of tiredness