There have been a few recent comments here about how we, as women, feel about men commenting here. Above all else, I deeply want this to be a safe place for women – but it is, of course, the internet.

I have chosen to keep this forum open and public for a few reasons, but no matter what options I think about, it all boils down to this: we are on the world wide web. Even if I required membership and only allowed women in, it would not stop men from entering (and likely would keep all the good men out).

In my personal and humble opinion, we all benefit from men coming here and commenting here. Men benefit by seeing reality just as much as women do, and women benefit by hearing that men love reality just as we are so afraid they don’t.

That all said, I do my very, very best to keep the comments here appropriate and maintain the safe feeling. Men do, from time to time, comment, and for the most part they are supportive. On the rare occasion someone is not appropriate, I delete the comment before it’s ever posted.

Now that I’m shared this here, I would like to hear your thoughts on the matter – how does it make you feel when men comment here? Does it, or would it change anything about how you contribute to this site?

51 Responses to “Discussion: Men within SOAM”

I’m happy to hear from men if their suggestions are positive and their advice constructive. Most of the insecurities we all share here are probably through are own doing not as a result of men making us feel that way.

I feel the media is more to blame by presenting us with “perfect” almost unattainable body images almost everywhere we look. Most men are happy to love our bodies especially once we’ve borne their child/children.

I of course suffer the same insecurities as everyone else and of course assume my husband isn’t in any way attracted to me,
but perhaps if I did post my latest pp pic (16 months pp #2) and a man had something positive to day – perhaps it might help my lack of self-esteem in some small way?

I’d like to say I got somewhere since my last post. But sadly … just older, fatter, saggier and none the happier with my body. I know I should be grateful for being here and having 2 healthy daughters but somehow I’m not.

It doesn’t bother me that they comment and I like the fact that men could look at this site, especially if they were expecting their partner’s body to “go back” and for them to see that many changes can occur during pregnancy. For me, anything that isn’t airbrushed is a positive step for men to see.

I absolutely agree. We all know when we post here that it is a public forum / blog so we shouldn’t be surprised that it is open for men to see (and comment on if they so wish).

I’d like to see that this has reached beyond women and that men are visiting the blog as well. It shows it is being successful not just in opening OUR eyes to the reality of mothers’ bodies, but that that reality is reaching others including men. That, I believe is half of the battle because it’s not just our own insecurities and unrealistic expectations that we hold of ourselves that causes a ‘problem’ it’s men and the rest of the wold holding those unrealistic expectations of us as well.

If men can come here and see what the shape of a mother is then all the better! I’d love it if a man commented on my photos and said, “yes, you have a good body – there’s NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.” I’d also love it if those ignorant men who expect women to bounce back into shape straight after birth come here and see the reality of what they can expect after their significant other has gone through pregnancy and childbirth… I’d love it if men who have no children and no partners could come here and see the naked woman form in some other way than is depicted on magazine covers and in pornography.

The fact that SOAM is attracting men as well as women just shows that its purpose is being achieved on a wider scale than it started out – that as many people as possible are open to the reality, and the BEAUTY, of the shape of a mother.

I was a bit taken aback by seeing male comments, forgetting that this is an open forum. But the more I thought about it I believe we should continue to allow respectful comments from the opposite sex. I would think that with this exposure to the realities of the changes our bodies take after pregnancy and our deep feelings about those changes shared, will give men who had no idea more of an appreciation for our strength and sacrifice. Many of my male friends didn’t *know* per se of the hardships that also come with the beauty of having our child and just seeing that and hearing our stories they get the real truth than what is portrayed in the media. I think its important that everybody is exposed to our stories to further shatter those unrealistically high expectations and illusions of how we should be or look. I enjoy sharing stories with my husband and appreciating all different shapes of bodies that comes with giving life. This site brought me closer to having my husband understand how my feelings are more than just on a superficial basis. Because of this site I DO feel more beautiful and encouraged. Sharing this site with my husband connected us on this level I once felt alone in and now we share this journey together. I am no longer unashamed to show him my body and the progress I continue to make.

It would change with me, but not completely. From now on if I post I will, however, cover up more. I’m not comfortable with other men besides my husband seeing me naked, a belly is different though. But I guess I should have thought of that before I submitted. I was naive and thought only moms and women came here. Would you be able to delete my last submission simply for that reason? Thanks for bringing this more to light.

Hi,
I did not post photos or my story yet. It would be OK for me if men would see my pictures. You can’t avoid it.There is certainly a large number of men who are here and don’t comment.
In my opinion it is important to see how does a REAL woman look like.Maybe a compliment payed by a man is good for self-confidence.On the other side I can understand that some women want their privacy.
Many men and boys only know photoshoped pics. A friend of me had never seen before a woman after giving birth and was confused when he saw his girlfriend’s stretchmarks

I posted a comment about this before…but I completely agree with your feelings, Bonnie. I think it is refreshing to see the positive comments coming from men and even though this is a site for women to share and support oneanother, I welcome the male contributions as well. I feel the more educated they are, the more they can see and appreciate REAL bodies and REAL beauty, the better. I think it helps in our relationships with men if they are coming from a place of understanding, respect, and a perspective on how bodies can change and become more beautiful during and after pregnancy- not less- like society sometimes wants us to think!

I don’t know about other women on here, but I don’t feel like I NEED a man to like my body to feel good about myself. That said, I do appreciate men coming to the site and looking at the stories and photos (I wonder how many of them JUST look at the photos- haha); I think it IS important for them to see REAL women. It is our duty to continue to educate the public about what real women go through, and the shape of their bodies after childbirth. And the public includes men! I appreciate Bonnie deleting any inappropriate comments before they are ever posted. It keeps this site clean and safe. Thanks SOAM, for being so open and accepting. : )

I am a man who visits your site. My wife and I are trying to conceive our first child. We have been together for 11 years and married for 4. I know my wife better than anyone else. She has had some body issues with the way she looks, and I have always been there to support her. I was doing research on the net to see what is in store for us in the coming year and I came upon your site. The stories of women, who are very much like my wife have given a man a look into a window that is usually closed to us. All the contributors to your site have had this wonderful experience that as a man I can not. It makes me a better person to be able to understand the emotions and trials that these women have gone through. With this insight I can put myself better “in her shoes” than before. I applaud you and your site for this. Thank-you

Speaking from a non-submitter’s point of view, I love seeing men comment about how beautiful REAL women are! When I see geniune responses from pictures and stories from men, it makes me feel inspired that there are more good men out there than there seems.

I don’t have a problem with men accessing the site or posting comments, but I do feel uncomfortable when their comments make me feel as though they’re using the site for some type of sexual gratification.

I never felt that this was an issue until a flurry of comments in the past week or so..

That said, Bonnie I agree with what you say about this being the internet…and with some things like this we have to consider whether the benefits of the site outweigh the risk. To me, they absolutely do…and this is why I am comfortable continuing as we always have (and simply deleting inappropriate comments by anyone, men or women).

I think it is good that they look. I know that my husband and my brother-in-law used to think that women just have a kid and go right back to their old bodies a couple of months later…it is sad that men expect this from us. I have shown this site to both of them and they were amazed at how wrong they were. I wish more men went on here for our sake…then they would know what a REAL women/mother looks like…and learn to love our bodies with us!

I understand what everyone else is saying, but my own personal opinion was it made me a little uncomfortable to see men posting on here. Its probably my own insecurities, but it did make me change my mind about putting my own pictures up. I will continue to visit this website though b/c I love it!

Yes, no reason why men should not see this site. Most are probably ‘real’ men as much as we are ‘real’ women. It’s probably the minority who perv at airbrushed nudes and plastic images of porn stars – you can always see when their breasts are not as they were meant to be. I think it also shows men that it’s not just their own wives who have stretch marks and sagging skin, boobs, bellies and whatever else. Lots of us look great dressed and undressed we all have those bits even if men think we don’t. I am a 50 something and would feel great if men looked at this site and said I looked great just as I am. I have posted on here.

I can’t understand why women would submit their stories thinking that only other women would see them/read them. This really concerns me, because that naivete sets them up for all kinds of victimization. The internet is NOT private . . . even if it was a “private” group!!! Never post anything you wouldn’t mind your mother, father, priest, worst enemy, distant stranger, or sexual pervert to see.

But, more on topic, I love that men come here, for any reason. It’s healthy for *all* of us, male or female, to have a more realistic sense of what we’re supposed to look like. Frankly, I find myself amazed at how we mothers really resemble the ancient ideal of “fertility goddess” with all those lovely, soft curves. Bravo to the brave ladies who have shared their stories, and to the men with the depth to celebrate them.

I don’t have a problem with men being part of the community, particularly since such care is taken to keep posted comments respectful. As much as men’s opinions shouldn’t play a role in our opinions of ourselves, it’s still a comfort to hear from the guys who are properly loving and supportive of women and mothers. I think it can also be a good reality check for well-meaning men who just don’t ‘get’ what motherhood does to a woman’s body. Really, how many guys out there fully expected their wives’/partners’ bodies to bounce right back to their pre-pregnancy appearance? Hell, a lot of us women didn’t realize what we would look like after the babies were born, so how could the guys know?

I moderate a women’s health group and always abide by the rule that men can play nice or get sent home. I think the more men that can get on board the message that SOAM, the better it will be for women. Men need something to counteract the image the media gives them of what women are supposed to look like.

Likewise, if some idiot wants to come in and bash, they get deleted without a second thought. And, fairly or not, I tend to have the attitude that all men who participate in my or this forum are suspect until proven they’re here for a positive reason.

I have posted on this forum a few times and I hope that my comments have not been taken in a negative way. If they ever are, I hope that someone will let me know because that is never my intent.

I appreciate what this site tries to accomplish and respect the women that post their pictures here. I try to provide words of encouragement for what often seems like body image issues.

You can be sure that there are some men that come here for some kind of gratification, but honestly I can’t think of anything that would stop that. As scary as it sounds, a person can be whatever he/she wants on the internet. So even if the person posting is a “woman”, you may really never know.

So for what I think can be healthy feedback and words of encouragement from BOTH sexes, I hope this site remains open to both men and women.

I agree with Mina: “I don’t have a problem with men accessing the site or posting comments, but I do feel uncomfortable when their comments make me feel as though they’re using the site for some type of sexual gratification.”

That’s exactly how I feel. Some comments from men have appeared pleasantly encouraging and reassuring. But some have bordered on inappropriate, like telling a woman she’s “sexxxy” (“sexy” is fine in some contexts, but that just telling someone her “big breasts are super sexxxy” just seems disgusting).

Also, some things just sound odd, like an instance of a man commenting on how sexy he found one woman’s large, dark areolae to be and was asking questions about how they used to looks, were they always so dark and large, etc. It’s creepy and inappropriate.

Perhaps he was trying to find out what his pregnant wife’s body might looks like later on, or something else totally innocent. But the phrasing made it sound very creepy and invasive.

I could never feel safe posting on this forum just because of men like that.

I haven’t had time to read any of the replies, so I’m sorry if I’m repeating things people already said.

I agree 100%. I think that what SOAM does is give women a place to discuss important body issues, and it is always good for men to be involved. We should try to educate the world as a whole on these issues, not just other mothers.

It is just as easy for a woman to post a rude/negative comment as it is for a man to. What would be ideal would be if we could keep IGNORANT people out, not MEN. But as it has already been stated, this is the internet. And there are a lot of jerks out there.

I’m a single mother, and I have shown this website to many people, including men. And nobody has ever said anything negative about it. It’s nice to be able to tell a guy that a lot of the pictures up here are what I look like naked and to have him say that I’m still beautiful.

This site educates both men and women on the reality of women’s bodies. There is really no possible way to do that except in a public forum. It is also the best way … think of all the goofy boys “googleing” breasts and end up here. It’s like planting seeds in their head of reality rather than porn nonsense. Little by little and bit by bit we need to help change the un-realistic body-perfect mentality in our country. Every woman who has posted here has not just received encouragement but has contributed to a kind of revolution. I love the variety of comments from such a diverse group and I think the men’s comments are invaluable. Sure there will be creeps visiting but heck creeps are every where … pubilic pools, beaches, next-door. I say VIVA SOAM and and I hope MORE men visit!

I am completely fine with men looking at the facebook page and the blog, but I would rather not read their comments. I do not want to read any comment from a man saying something along the lines of “you women look gorgeous just the way you are”. The last thing we as women need is yet another beauty affirmation from men. We need to feel good about ourselves without their input.
Some women may say without hesitation that men don’t control the way they feel about themselves, but when someone feels better about themselves because of the comments of some random dude… then they really do rely more on men to affirm their beauty then they think – and we can not allow men to still have control over our self-esteem. It’s working against patriarchal expectations part of what this sites all about?

I don’t have an issue with men coming here. It is good for them to see real bodies and read real women discussing their feelings. There is some part of me that feels a little uncomfortable with knowing that someone could look at my pics for sexual purposes. But I chose to put them there, knowing this is a public site, and for me the benefits outweigh the drawbacks in that manner.

I would just be curious as to how they find SOAM… With all the porn sites out there that are very accessible, why would a man visit this site in particular? I mean the ones looking for sexual gratification… Could it be that (gasp) given a choice, men may actually prefer the bodies of real women??? And out of curiousity, how often are comments from men inappropiate ratio wise? Is it something that happens often, or just every once in a while?

I support men being able to post and view the website. I think its great for men to see real women. To understand how women feel. I dont want any negative comments from men or women. I think this place is a supportive place for everyone. Perhaps a man may better understand what his wife or partner is going through because he reads and see’s what other women have felt.

One of the most common sentences I read in these stories is, “my husband/boyfriend tells me all the time how sexy I am, but I just don’t believe him.” I can relate to this sentiment. Personally, I agree with Bonnie, that men should be exposed to *real* women’s bodies. Yes, I am occasionally frustrated with the women here who seem (to my eye) to have celebrity magazine bodies, but the vast majority of us don’t look like that & I think SOAM gives a pretty accurate cross-section of what mothers looks like under our clothes.
And I defy any woman here to say that she doesn’t like a little flattery now & again! LOL It always feels good to have someone of our partner’s gender compliment us & tell us how hot we look. And damn right, we are hot!

You bring up a really interesting point, Jewell. I think, if you dig deep enough, likely it does all boil down to seeking approval from the opposite sex – but then isn’t that who we are at our primal level? We are biologically programmed to be appealing so that we can mate and pass on our genes. BTW, I’m thinking out loud here, not necessarily trying to debate you.

In any case, on a simpler level I think it provides a different and necessary point of view. We are made to feel that nothing less than perfect is good enough for men, and to hear a man say that’s not true could completely change the way a woman thinks about herself. To hear that she IS appealing from someone who doesn’t “have” to say so, isn’t so much as basing her self-worth on what a man thinks, but might just cut through the negativity enough for her to truly HEAR it.

As a man I would like to take this opportunity to thank the women who contribute to this site.I was concerned that my gender would exclude me from posting so I’ve delayed until now. My wife and I just recently had our second child in December, a little girl, With our son being only 19 months old. The 2 pregnancies in such a short period of time was hard on my wife, particularly how she felt about her body. I am so thankful I came upon this website, while I love her and think that she has only gotten more beautiful as a mother, It was great for her to see that she isn’t the only one trying to adjust, and reading the inspiring stories about women coming to the realization that while they may not look like they once did they are still beautiful in every way. Thank you again to everyone who has participated, my wife and I are grateful for your stories and your courage.

I never thought there weren’t men here. Of course men come to this site; it’s full of naked women! As long as everyone (regardless of gender) remains respectful, I don’t see what the big deal is. I don’t see how you could prevent men from accessing the site though, if you wanted to … I don’t think they’ve invented that kind of filtering software yet.

The first time I read a man’s response to one of my posts, it weirded me out a little bit (I’m not going to lie!). But then it occurred to me that I left my face out of my pictures–and my daughter’s name out of my posts!–for a reason. It’s kind of nice to be reassured that my husband isn’t just trying to make me feel better when he compliments me. I also realized that I regularly show my husband entries while I’m reading it, so it would be silly to believe that men never look at this website. I’d rather them see real women and comment then only look at the fake/airbrushed ones.

well for one i didnt read all the responces posted here and i am a guy that comes here to look… that being said,,as hard as it may be to accept, the woman that post here are really the most beautiful woman of all. you gave life and put up with countless people poking and “checking you” you went thru somthing any male can never begin to comprehend. all the while looking secretly hot. yes, hot. the lady in the delivery ward moaning like a cow mostly naked walking up and down the hall while the husband and half the nursing staff fight to keep covered. you were, are, hot. mabey not for the same reason that you were asked to the prom for, but for a reason we (a lot of guys) can’t quite explain. for the same reason that we love to look at the picture of the mom holding a baby with her belly showing and the naked mom with her naked bum showing. please, don’t sell yourelves short nor deny some of us the right to be just as self consciense as you may be. we love mommas, we don’t need to explain why, trace adkins said enough already

quick revision to my previous post, the moaning like a cow comment was an inside thing made up by my wife and her baby group known as the moo group due to the fact that they were all pregnant at the same time at no time was i showing any disrespect to any pregnant nor post pregnant nor bovine in any way shape or form.

Men should see what real women look like. So that’s great! But no doubt there are a lot of men (and women, sure) who come to this site seeking sexual gratification. Everyone who posts revealing pics here should be cognizant of that.

I think the benefits of the site outweigh the negatives, absolutely, but I have not submitted my own pics or story to the site because I didn’t want to think about a creep somewhere who was getting off after looking at my body. As Kerry above said, I don’t like anyone other than my husband seeing me naked.

I just want to add that I am grateful to all of the women who have talked about what they have gone through postpartum, you have filled me with wonder and given me strength and encouragement. I am in my second (and probably last) pregnancy now, I stop by here often.

I have read the replies to your post. I am a man and I believe that all women are beautiful especially mothers. I look at this site because I see women that have different opinions of their bodies, some see their beauty and some really need a man in their life to support them and reassure them that they are beautiful. I am married to the love of my live and she was having the same bodyissues as most of the ladies on here even though she has never had a baby.
I cannot express enough that not all men are created equal. For me I am very impressed that a woman with body issues feels comfortable enough to post pictures of herself here for others to comment on. It shows great bravery and has made my relationship with my wife better. I love the website and what it represents and I am sure acomplishes…. Adam

“Jewell. I think, if you dig deep enough, likely it does all boil down to seeking approval from the opposite sex – but then isn’t that who we are at our primal level? We are biologically programmed to be appealing so that we can mate and pass on our genes.”

Bonnie I could talk endlessly about this assumption and how the “science of beauty” and it’s findings are heavily influenced by how our society is socially constructed in a way to view woman’s bodies and appendages as lustful, whereas men’s bodies in contrast are not perceived as such.
By your statement one would think that men too would also feel incredibly self conscience if they do not fit within a certain body type, but the vast majority of men are not as self conscience of their bodies in the same way women are today. We all know, women desire to fit within certain beauty standards to the point of harming ourselves… and this is not due to our ultimate desire to be appealing to men, it is a socially constructed desire based on the very notion that women must fit a certain body type.

Bonnie too, if as you say, women’s view of themselves boils down to the approval of the opposite sex, then isn’t it important to realize that to heal we must not let men’s approval or disapproval sway us one way or another? We must realize that it is men’s approval that we hinge on far too much for our self worth. We are stronger willed then that, we can move past needing men’s approval or disapproval and be ourselves for our self.

You know, there are alot of other sites that have naked women….I’m sure some come here for a looksie but for the most part I don’t think that men are looking for that reason. Even women come here out of curiosity-what’s the big deal? People post for many reasons and one is input about their new bodies. If you don’t want the input don’t post! I don’t mind men here at all.

You are right, it is more than *just* the primal need to look appealing to a potential mate. It ABSOLUTELY is thousands of years of ingrained sexism. I do feel, though, that once you dig deep enough, through all the societal shit, you will find that one kernel of our primitive selves which is the part I was referring to. I did not intend to make it sound as if that part was a large part of the situation – but I do feel it plays a role.

As for your second point, I could not agree more. That is one thing I hope to accomplish with this site.

I’m 30 weeks pregnant and I find this site extremely comforting and informative. Most post-pregnant bellies that we as people are exposed to now-a-days are those of celebrities showing off their stretch mark and sag free bodies that the average woman can usually not hope to accomplish.

I think if men (and women) can keep negative comments to themselves, it will be extremely beneficial! One of my biggest concerns is my fiance really doesn’t know how bad my body can and probably will be after. The more men/dads who realise hey my wife/gf/partner has done something amazing and this is just the casual aftermath, the better moms can feel about themselves.

I came here flying “under the radar” for a while, reading the stories of others encouraged me to make my own post, which is here, http://theshapeofamother.com/blog/after-10-years-im-still-not-comfortable-kay/
I don’t think my post even conveys a fraction of how self conscious i was/am about my body to the point of not dating anyone new for a long time, but only people who knew me “before”. This site helped me come a looooong way. Now I think I’m beautiful and worthy and it was the comments following the post that did that. Particularly the comment from the guy, chris, and he was in no way lewd. Whether primal or not, I would prefer a positive comment from a man who can give an honest answer and doesnt *have* to say “oh honey, u still sexy” like our husbands or bf do.

I say leave the site open, maybe crop out the ladies’ faces if they are concerned.

I believe that this website iss just as important for men to see as it is for women! After all, we are all human, and I believe that it is important for men to understand better what we go through…maybe seeing this website will make more supportive,empathetic partners out of some guy readers!

I like the fact that men comment on the post it helped to hear guys comments when I posted my story. Don’t ban the men we need them! Also I agree that it’s very important for men to see what happens to a womans body after having children.

A little about me first, was married to the most amazing woman, who brought into this world my 2 sons, and a step daughter to a previous relationship. She (Brenda) always had body issues, ‘Im too fat” ‘MY Boobs are too big”..etc.
I married this woman not becaquse she was fat or her Boobs werre too big, I married her because I loved her as a complete person, she could cook too! Now the hard part, I lost her my step daughter and my 2 boys, to a drunk driver in an Auto accident, 18 years ago.

Now I have recently found a new love of my life, who has a Daughter (23) having her first baby, in 2 weeks time, I pointed out this site after searching the web, she was pleased to see other young women just like her.

Please remember all you ladies, you are loved for who you are not who you want to be.

Thankyou for taking the time to read this, and to the Founder congratulations on a Wonderful website, Blessings one and all, Steve.

Speaking as a guy, it’s hard to imagine many guys coming here to specifically look at revealing pictures of women – they could find vastly more, and ones far more explicit – elsewhere. Women have an extraordinary role and privilege in bringing new life into the world; it clearly involves joys and many sacrifices. For me, the fact that I can never do this makes it all the more miraculous. It’s something to be celebrated by all humanity, so I say to the ladies here: dropping in enables me to share a little of what you go through – it’s far too important to only concern to half the population.

I write out of the joy of being married over 30 years. The best and most beautiful time was when our children were born. We celebrated the minute my wife Pat was pregnant. I was there for both deliveries praying,feeding her handfuls of ice chips, helping her breath and telling her to put her birth contractions into force squeezing my hand.Watching our son and daughter being born is permanently etched into my memory. So many scams are out there for weight loss and plastic surgery. Beauty is not determined by the appearance, but by their heart and the amount of love they have inside them. Men age as well, wearing the amount of stress on their body like an old suit. Loving the Hollywood image comes only from a shallow heart. True love requires each accepting each other as they are without judgment.

You women are gorgeous and remarkably open minded, but sadly some of you are still misguided by tranditional media expectations and deep rooted social stereotypes,,, in fact ( and I will stand corrected if im wrong here ) not all, but a lot of women when interacting with other women, nurture mainly stereotypical thoughts of what a man or ALL MEN think and feel…. MEN are not from MARS and we are lovingly closer to you than you think …. us men appreciateand are excited about the pregnancy/post partum changes in our womens bodies …. on the other hand, some women discourage their male companions from expressing this love andexcitement .. by not believing and even resenting genuine verbal and physical expressions of such admiration…. A womans body becomes so sexually desirable and intriguing after pregnancy or childbirth… for me, the breasts of a young childless woman can never excite me as a woman who have given birth

SO alll you ladies — be proud of yourself and the wonderful gifts of God … You are sexy..

Well, adding a perspective that’s not been spoken to here yet, I think it’s important to also recognize that there are all kinds of folks who bear and are interested in bearing children, and that happens to include men: trans men. More openness in this regard benefits all.