Helping Kids Cope with Terror

How do we educate our children to feel the pain of the Jewish People without overwhelming them?

Terror works by cloaking insignificant everyday actions and events in a shroud of suspicion. Will I be able to buy tomatoes today at the store without being blown apart? Will my flight land uneventfully? Is that girl walking next to me really a terrorist?
The terrorist takes our imaginations, those private and creative domains of our own minds, and twists them into weapons against us, surrounding us with fear.

The mind and imagination of a child is even more fragile. Children want to feel that the world is safe. They want to think that the people they love will always be around, and that everyone in the world is good and kind. They want to trust others and feel secure when they go out. Terror shatters every one of these thoughts.

The terror in Israel is tragic, and it is our responsibility to feel the pain of our fellow Jews, wherever they are.

The question is: do we share this pain with our children? Should we tell our children about terror in Israel and other tragedies that strike our collective Jewish family? And if yes, how do we tell our children? How do we educate our children to feel the pain of Klal Yisrael, the Jewish People, while not scaring and overwhelming them so they can't sleep at night or function in school? On the other side of the coin, how do we teach our children to feel a connectedness to the suffering of Klal Yisrael when we ourselves don't feel connected?

We have a responsibility to train our children to feel the joy and sadness of our Jewish brothers and sisters.

"Kol Yisrael areivim zeh lazeh" - Jews are guarantors for one another; what affects one of us, affects all of us. It is our responsibility to feel the joy and sadness of our Jewish brothers and sisters. And yes, we do have a responsibility to imbue our children with this same closeness and feeling for Klal Yisrael. This is a very important lesson that needs to be taught. However, there are three factors to keep in mind when instilling this lesson within our children.

The first important factor to understand is that it is not our responsibility to raise children who lightly gloss over tragedies or put on happy faces during horribly difficult events. It is our responsibility to give our children the emotional strength, tools, and bitachon (trust in God) to face whatever comes their way in life. Children have an enormous capacity for strength; it is our role to help shape and channel that capacity into productive life lessons.

The second factor is to be aware of our own response. In order to effectively educate our children to empathize with the pain and suffering of Klal Yisrael, we must pay close attention to our own reactions to tragedy. Does the news affect us deeply, or do we just shake our heads, say "nebach," (shame) and move on?

Generally, people respond to the news of a tragedy in one of three ways:

They "turn it off" and try not to really think about it.

They become completely overwhelmed and paralyzed by the news.

They are truly affected by what happened and respond in a normal, non-disabling way.

Our children learn from watching. We can't expect them to run out and say Psalms for Klal Yisrael when we don't say Psalms for Klal Yisrael. It would be unrealistic to expect our children to deeply feel the pain of shattered lives when we turn the page without as much as a sigh.

On the other hand, if we become paralyzed by the news, we risk overwhelming and traumatizing our children. The psyche of children is more fragile than the psyche of adults, and we must proceed with caution when talking to them, even if we feel like falling apart. The fact that we are so upset is more disturbing to them than the actual tragic event, and any lesson we wish to provide will be lost.

Pay close attention to the way you respond to tragedy. You can expect your children to react the same way.

The third factor is to closely gauge how your children will react. As parents, although we may not be perfectly accurate in our assessment, we usually have a pretty good idea of how each of our children will respond to tragedy. One child may be able to understand and react to the news in a healthy way, while another child may be incapable of understanding what happened or may become overwhelmed if we share too much.

Sharing too much can overwhelm our children, and sharing a small amount with a fearful and anxious child can be just as damaging. Constantly gauge the reactions of your children as you are sharing the news. Are they getting anxious? Are they ignoring what you are saying? Do they keep telling you they want to go play? There are many ways children let us know that they are being overwhelmed, and it is only through paying close attention that we can be sure we are not doing more harm than good.

Here are some general guidelines to follow when discussing a traumatic event with your children:

(A) It is not helpful to tell children what to feel or not to feel. We may be tempted to say, "Don't worry," "Just think about other things," or "Don't be scared," but such reassurances don't work. They are worried, they are thinking about what happened, and they are scared. It is much more helpful to listen with a caring ear and a warm hug. You can say, "That was such a scary thing!" or "That makes me feel sad, too." Acknowledge what they are feeling instead of trying to push their feelings aside.

(B) Give your children the actual facts about what happened and try to make things as simple as possible. Sheltering your children does not work. Kids hear about events in carpool, on the news, or at school, and what they hear may be far from accurate. Their fears and anxieties may also make up part of their perception of what happened. Communicate the basic facts to your children in a loving, caring way and encourage them to ask as many questions as they would like. You can also ask them questions, such as "I thought ... when I heard about what happened. What went through your mind when you heard?" or "Do you think they were scared when...?" or "What do you think they felt when...?" Don't overexpose them to the news.

Your children will take their cues on how to handle challenging situations from the way you respond.

(C) The most effective way to reduce your children's anxieties is to reduce your own. Your children will take their cues on how to handle challenging situations from the way you respond. You should be honest about your emotions but convey the message that God gives each person the strength they need to handle what He gives them. (After a tragedy, children relate more to this message than to a message that God loves us. That usually prompts the question of "If God loves us, why did He let those people get killed?")

(D) It is especially important to reassure small children, since their primary (and perhaps only concern) is whether or not they themselves, their parents, and their immediate surroundings are going to be okay. Tell them that they will be safe and reassure them as often as needed.

(E) Your children may talk repeatedly - that is, more than you feel is necessary - about the tragedy, and you should let them talk. Psychologically, talking about an event gives people a sense of control. As adults we do this all the time. Whenever we hear about a bus bombing or that someone passed away, we immediately need to know details. Did he have an illness? For how long? Where did the bombing occur? In what area? Asking questions and learning as much as we can about uncontrollable events give us a sense of control. Children are the same way.

(F) Your children may feel a need to fantasize about what happened. For example, upon hearing that a terrorist murdered a child in a school, your child might say, "If that terrorist came near me, I would jump in the air and give him 10 karate kicks," or "I would dodge the bullets!" Let your children be as expressive and graphic as possible in their fantasy; it is their way of maintaining a sense of control. You will find that even though they may acknowledge that they are describing a fantasy, it is still helpful and calming to them. They may also recreate the event in their play. Allow them to play, reflect back what they are saying, and let them to share their feelings, even if they make shocking statements.

Despite your best efforts not to overwhelm your children, they may be traumatized by the tragic event. Here are some signs that your children may require professional help:

Your children suddenly are unable to concentrate or refuse to go to school after a tragic event. They may complain more frequently about an upset stomach or other physical ailment and refuse to leave the house.

They show signs of regression. For example, they may begin to use "baby talk" or wet their beds. They may ask for the light to be left on in their rooms or want to snuggle more frequently.

There are changes in your child's sleeping or eating patterns. They may experience restlessness or become more irritable. Some children become more aggressive and begin to act out now for the first time.

Your children experience nightmares or other anxious behavior. They may cling to you when you leave the house or try to stop you from leaving.

Although many symptoms that follow a traumatic event are likely to pass, things may not proceed smoothly. In today's day and age, there are excellent treatments that can quickly and dramatically reduce the anxiety and tensions associated with a tragedy or trauma. You know your children better than anyone else, so be alert for any unusual changes.

In conclusion, children have the incredible inner strength and capacity to handle horrific events. Provide them with simple, factual information, and reassure them that they are safe and that all is in the hands of God. Pay attention to signs that your children may be psychologically overwhelmed through signs like regression, increased hostility and other anxious behaviors, as well as changes in sleeping patterns. Seek professional help if you are concerned. Encourage your children to share their feelings and creatively express their fantasies and thoughts about the event.

If we take the time to teach our children the life lessons that can be found everywhere we look, they will develop the emotional strength, tools, and trust in God to face whatever comes their way.

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About the Author

Rabbi Dovid Hochberg, LCSW-C, is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice and can be reached at 443-677-8561. Visit his website, www.jewishparenting.org, for parenting guidance and his ebook, "Dear Rabbi: Questions and Answers for Today's Teenagers."

Visitor Comments: 3

(3)
Naomi Carmona-Morshead,
April 26, 2005 12:00 AM

Bnei Arazim works miracles for children

My husband and I recently visited Bnei Arazim in Rishon LeZion. We spent 2 hours with the staff seeing the changes made since the new building was opened. It's wonderful to know dedicated, caring staff that smile and laugh with the kids and are there for them 24/7 to support and guide them through their personal "terror." We are thankful for the opportunity to support this tremendous work that reaches children of every ethnic background and every religion.

(2)
Do Lern Hwei,
April 29, 2004 12:00 AM

Thanks for the article.I really feel for families who will have to contend with the ever present threat of terrorism and violence. Hope that you'll remember the civil strife in Southern Thailand as well. The militia of some Islamic group have started something there as well.

(1)
Rodger Bodle,
April 26, 2004 12:00 AM

Helping Kids Cope with Terror

Many of of us have not heard of Dr. Shulamit Blank or the Bnei Arazim Children's Care Centre in the city of Rishon LeZion. Who could have forseen the problems of today with children living daily under the threat of terror. Yet on March 14th 2001 the Care Centre for children was officially opened for children under stress, little realising that the Centre would one day play a major part for children unwillingly involved in terror tragedy.

I recall a report given to me in October 2000 where Dr. Blank was coping with children in stress (as at that time she was using her clinic in disused horse stable) while waiting for the Bnei Arazim Childrens Care Centre to be built.
The report first appeared as an article in a main daily newspaper in Israel, and a copy of the orignal report was sent to me in New Zealand, and it reads as follows;

"A year ago the parents of a teenage girl, who live on a Moshav in central Israel were at their wits end, and had used all of their financial resources in an attempt to help their daughter. The doctor told them their daughter suffered from anorexia and was diagnosed as a schizophrenic and depressive. She diagnosed as serverely mentally ill, unreformable with a level of disability of 120 percent. The mother relates, "Then the doctor told me: 'You have six children, you must accept the fact that you have lost one daughter.' She said, "I did not agree to believe this."

One year later they call it "A Miricle that they did not dare hope for."
It began in the hospital emergency room where they had taken their daughter after she had attempted suicide. There they met Dr. Shulamit Blank, Director of the Bnei Arazim Children's Care Centre. The father said. "I sat with Dr. Blank and revealed to her what I had explained to hundreds of doctors that had treated my daughter. She listened and cried with me. Then she said to me, "Listen your daughter is not mentally ill. She is suffering from anorexia. She will recover in half a year and return to her school. I will not take a cent and in return you will help me rehabilitate her and other children."

In less than half a year this distressed, suicidal teenager returned to school. She has returned to playing the organ and has composed and recorded songs. She now wants to dedicate her life to become a psychologist and help other anorexics.

It is hoped that this story will encourage other parents to help children to cope with terror.

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I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...