Thursday, October 25, 2012

A New Prayer

So, today is 10 DPO for me. I lay in bed this morning when the thermometer in my mouth and I already know. I know my temp will be low. I know because it always is at this time. I know because my body is telling me it's going to be, with every symptom and what does hurt vs what doesn't hurt. I just know in my mind and my heart and I no longer pray for my temp to be high. No, I lay there praying with all my heart that I can just record the temp and go on with my day. I pray that it won't kill me this time. That my heart won't break. That I can move forward. The beep goes off, and of course, the temp is low. I record it. Note that AF will be here tomorrow or Saturday and get ready for work. I let DH know when he wakes up and I head off to work.

I cry on my way to work because the prayer didn't work. I do care and I feel numb. I want a baby. I don't get it. I produced mature eggs, I did ovulate, I did have intercourse. Why is there no baby???? 20 times, and still, no baby. Will there ever be a baby?

When I started this journey I started off praying to please be pregnant, please the temp be up. As cycle after cycle failed, tried Clomid, got tested, and finally diagnosed, I just prayed for it not to hurt so damned bad. Just prayed for peace and optimism. I find myself needing to change my prayer once again, I want to pay for God to take the desire for a baby away from my heart. Is it even possible? Can I even get the dream out of my heart? This hurts too bad.

I can see my baby. He is beautiful and perfect. He has gorgeous dark brown curly hair. It's very curly, just like mommy and daddy. He has blue eyes. Just the perfect blue, like out in the ocean, very similar to daddy's eyes only a bit darker. I don't think anyone understands how clearly I see my baby. I've seen him for years, even before I was ready for him I saw him. He is everything I could ever want and more. But is it real? Did my mind make him up? Am I ever truly going to have him? I don't want to want this anymore. I don't want the pain, the failure. It hurts. I am having a hard time picking myself up. I don't know how long to keep going and at what point do I change my path. Am I doing the right thing? Do I move on the medical treatments? What do I do?

God, I am begging you to please just take away the pain and the desire. If I can't have my baby, then make it to where I don't want one. I have a good marriage, a nice house, and the most incredibly husband. I have friends, pets, and other family members. Just make me feel that is enough and that the rest doesn't matter. Please, I am begging you. Amen.

5 comments:

Big hugs. I know the torture of waiting for that morning temp and the disappointment it can bring. I hope you find the answers you need to get your BFP. I hope your temp is just tricking you this time.

Amber, I am there with you. I felt the same way this morning...i knew if my temp was lower than the one for yesterday then I was certainly out this month. And sure enough I dreaded looking at it as it confirmed my worst fear. Hang in there.

Amber- I pray for peace too. Some days I pray for hope, some days just prayers to not be so teary or bitter. I believe it works. Some days are good, some are bad and it just stinks. I know you'll get your baby and I just pray it's soon. :)

Who's Dream Chase?

My husband and I have been married since 4/16/05 and together since 4/11/97. Our TTC journey starts in July 2011. I was diagnosed with DOR (diminished ovarian reserve) in Dec 2011. It took us 3 REs and 26 cycles to conceive my beautiful daughter through Femara/injectables/iui. Kate Lyn was born on my birthday 12/16/13. 14 cycles later we returned to my RE for the same treatment. We struck gold again and were excited to conceive b/g twins, Emma Lee and Chase David. Unfortunately I became very sick late May 2015 and both twins were born sleeping. Emma was born one day shy of 19 weeks on 5/25/15 and Chase was born the next day 5/26/15. Our rainbow, Ivy, was conceived in January 2016, but unfortunately passed on 2/12/16 at 6w2d. My D&C showed that Ivy was a boy and the cause of death was Trisomy 16. Currently pregnant with my final pregnancy and THB attempt. Grieving the loss of all my kids and missing them with each breath.