Looking Ahead: Quarterbacks

1. Braxton Miller, Junior. 6’2”, 220 lbs. Miller came a long way with his passing last year. He was still a little below average, but as a freshman he was uncorking bombs like Raul Ibanez. If he stays healthy, I think our worst-case scenario is going 13–0 and then watching in horror as C. J. Mosley repeatedly sticks Miller mid-juke like a lepidopterist pinning a butterfly. SABAN RUINS THE WHIMSY.

2. Kenny Guiton, Senior. 6’3”, 206 lbs. After the Purdue game, a commenter on this site said Guiton would never have to buy another beer in his life. That seems like an exaggeration. I’d buy him ONE beer. Look, my cable bill alone is like $160. Krenzel, he gets all the beers he wants, but even that’s a one night only deal. If he wants to drink with me all the time, he’s got to be a good friend and pony up. I’ve accomplished stuff too you know.

3. Cardale Jones, Freshman. 6’5”, 226 lbs. Jones is a big dude. Say, “we ain’t come to play SCHOOL” was pretty funny, but have you seen this? #LOL. I’m rooting for this kid. I want to yell “we ain’t come to play SCHOOL” at the TV as he tramples Northwestern d-linemen on his way into the endzone.

4. J. T. Barrett, Freshman. 6’1”, 205 lbs. Anybody as worried about Barrett’s knee as I am? James Andrews compared the inside of RGIII’s knee to a patch of FedEx turf. And Griffin got his ACL surgery at Baylor. I have nightmares of Barrett’s high-school lunch lady stuffing his knee with ground-up gym mats. THERE’S VERY LITTLE CARTILAGE IN THESE GYM MATS.

Outlook: Black quarterbacks will take all the snaps. Since Troy Smith and Terrelle Pryor, we’ve been Black Quarterback U. Everybody’s good with this, right? You’d have to be Clayton Bigsby to prefer Zwick, Boeckman, or Bauserman, Or my stepdad. He thinks black quarterbacks run too much because they’re me-first glory boys. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Ask Eric Crouch or Tommy Frazier: FIRST YOU RUN THE OPTION, THEN YOU GET THE MONEY, THEN YOU GET THE WOMEN. Meanwhile Tom Brady is living with Giselle Bundchen in a castle with a moat cause he’s so unselfish. What an idiot.