He’d rather jerk off than have sex with me

So my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We had a kid after one year of being together. I felt we were moving a bit fast but he seemed super excited about everything. It was all great. We’re not married, I would like to be. He’s a really great guy. But now that we’ve been together so long and there’s a kid now I feel like our passion and romance have pretty much been stamped out. There are times I look at him and know in my heart that he loves me and that I love him. But now we’re living together after he’s lived with his parents because of work for a while. (Which sometimes I feel like he was just escaping) because being a parent is hard and ever since my son turned one I’ve pretty much done it alone. Anyway. Now we’re living together again. I knew before that he watches porn. I used to have a big problem with it. But over time I’ve grown out of that. And come to accept that all guys watch porn. But now that we’re living together it bothers me more. For example: tonight after I put our son down to sleep. He went to the bathroom. I didn’t really think about it. Later when I want to get intimate with him, he’s tired. Mind you, earlier he was touting about how he hadn’t (chook chook) in two days. We call masturbating chook chook. But then why go do it while I’m putting our son to sleep??? Like don’t you think that I’d like to get close to you after a long day too? I’ve brought this up to him and he’s been sensitive about it. Luckily he hasn’t been a jerk like some guys I’ve read about. But it never changes! I’ll tell him how it makes me feel and that I think he’d rather chook chook than have sex with me. He just keeps doing it. I just don’t think he’s attracted to me anymore. I think he wants to f#%?the porn stars on his phone more than me. I’m just over it. I know that if I were to try and find another guy they would all just do the same stuff. What should I do? Sometimes I just feel like a friend or roommate rather than a partner or lover. I get the feeling I should just give up. And accept that I won’t ever feel that firey passion that we once had. That I am just a disgusting ball of nothing in a comfy hoodie. :’(

Honestly, it sounds like he has a porn addiction and it is taking over his life a little. Like any addiction, there is something more behind it than just enjoyment, and usually it is an escape.

People are allowed to fap and people in relationships are allowed to do it too. It's their body, their choice. But if it takes over your sex life entirely, then there is a larger problem.

You have also been together for 4 years, and the honeymoon phase should have more than worn off. Sorry to say, but the passion in long relationships fade. Sure, you could leave him and find a new man, the passion from that likely will fade too, then what? Another man?

The fiery passion doesn't last in relationships; in fact, it's only after you've lost that hormone-fuelled, rosy glow that you can start to see your partner as they really are and make a realistic judgment as to whether you're a good match. If they're lucky, this works out for couples - but it often doesn't.

Despite the fact that he was very excited about the idea of having a kid, it sounds like he isn't interested in the reality of it at all. And he's using the porn as an escape. It isn't true that all guys use porn, and thinking they do - and that you had to tolerate it, despite you finding it intolerable - was a huge mistake.

Even without the porn, though, the lack of intimacy is an issue in your relationship and it must be very difficult to carry on like this. Perhaps talking to him about it in a non-accusatory way might help, and there are also support groups both for people who are addicted to porn - and their partners.

Not all men are like this. Keep yourself very busy. Enroll in courses and classes. Join clubs and groups. Volunteer and get a side job. Improve your health. get to a doctor and get checked out. Get on effective birth control. Start a good fitness and nutrition program. Improve your self esteem and self image, new clothes, hair etc.

Do all this For Yourself. Not to get him away from his bad habits. It also seems he is not interested in expanding your family. You are not compatible and you are not happy. He doesn't want what you want.

He has been a jerk. He knows it's nonsense to shut you out and reject you. You've talked at him about it and he continues as if you don't matter. He seems grossly immature and lazy.

He is not involved in childcare not involved in intimacy. This is not about porn or masturbation. This is about a complete disconnect in goals values attraction and intimacy. Basically you are just roommates and mothering him way too much with baby words for masturbation etc.

Originally Posted by ComfyHoodie

We’re not married, I would like to be.
being a parent is hard and ever since my son turned one I’ve pretty much done it alone.
why go do it while I’m putting our son to sleephe hasn’t been a jerk like some guys I’ve read about. But it never changes

I know that if I were to try and find another guy they would all just do the same stuff.

I'm sorry, but where did you get this idea?

Plenty of men do not favour porn over their own partners. You two have a problem here, and it's not something you need to just lay down an accept because you mistakenly believe all men are like this. They are not.

Him choosing porn over you is the symptom of a bigger problem. You mention that you do most of the childcare on your own. What's going on there? And you say he's sensitive about this porn issue when you bring it up. What do you say to him, and how does he respond, exactly? How often do you actually have sex these days?

I think that peeling back the layers, you're seeing that the lack of intimacy is evident both inside and outside the bedroom. You two don't seem very emotionally connected, based on the snapshot of your life provided here. How often do you manage have time for just the two of you? Are family, friends or a babysitter available to relieve you two of the little one sometimes?

I don't think all men watch porn. And while masturbating is a normal thing, most people do... but they also enjoy sex with a partner.

I wouldn't justify this behavior by saying 'all men' or blame the length of the relationship. You've mentioned real concerns, he moving in for convenience, how you're feeling as a parent and a partner.

You need to do some thinking about what you want out of a relationship and your life at large. Regardless of whether you decide to end this or not, he still has responsibilities as a parent.

This is something he has done a long time, and he knows exactly how to relief himself the way he wants. Intimacy between partners is very important, talk to him and make Wednesday & Sunday your nights to enjoy each other every week especially if his s-drive is higher than yours.

Honestly, it sounds like he has a porn addiction and it is taking over his life a little. Like any addiction, there is something more behind it than just enjoyment, and usually it is an escape.

People are allowed to fap and people in relationships are allowed to do it too. It's their body, their choice. But if it takes over your sex life entirely, then there is a larger problem.

You have also been together for 4 years, and the honeymoon phase should have more than worn off. Sorry to say, but the passion in long relationships fade. Sure, you could leave him and find a new man, the passion from that likely will fade too, then what? Another man?

Yeah. I feel that way. I honestly don’t feel interested in finding another dude. He’s a really great guy. It’s just this that bothers me. Thanks for the advice.

The fiery passion doesn't last in relationships; in fact, it's only after you've lost that hormone-fuelled, rosy glow that you can start to see your partner as they really are and make a realistic judgment as to whether you're a good match. If they're lucky, this works out for couples - but it often doesn't.

Despite the fact that he was very excited about the idea of having a kid, it sounds like he isn't interested in the reality of it at all. And he's using the porn as an escape. It isn't true that all guys use porn, and thinking they do - and that you had to tolerate it, despite you finding it intolerable - was a huge mistake.

Even without the porn, though, the lack of intimacy is an issue in your relationship and it must be very difficult to carry on like this. Perhaps talking to him about it in a non-accusatory way might help, and there are also support groups both for people who are addicted to porn - and their partners.

So my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We had a kid after one year of being together. I felt we were moving a bit fast but he seemed super excited about everything. It was all great. We’re not married, I would like to be. He’s a really great guy. But now that we’ve been together so long and there’s a kid now I feel like our passion and romance have pretty much been stamped out. There are times I look at him and know in my heart that he loves me and that I love him. But now we’re living together after he’s lived with his parents because of work for a while. (Which sometimes I feel like he was just escaping) because being a parent is hard and ever since my son turned one I’ve pretty much done it alone. Anyway. Now we’re living together again. I knew before that he watches porn. I used to have a big problem with it. But over time I’ve grown out of that. And come to accept that all guys watch porn. But now that we’re living together it bothers me more. For example: tonight after I put our son down to sleep. He went to the bathroom. I didn’t really think about it. Later when I want to get intimate with him, he’s tired. Mind you, earlier he was touting about how he hadn’t (chook chook) in two days. We call masturbating chook chook. But then why go do it while I’m putting our son to sleep??? Like don’t you think that I’d like to get close to you after a long day too? I’ve brought this up to him and he’s been sensitive about it. Luckily he hasn’t been a jerk like some guys I’ve read about. But it never changes! I’ll tell him how it makes me feel and that I think he’d rather chook chook than have sex with me. He just keeps doing it. I just don’t think he’s attracted to me anymore. I think he wants to f#%?the porn stars on his phone more than me. I’m just over it. I know that if I were to try and find another guy they would all just do the same stuff. What should I do? Sometimes I just feel like a friend or roommate rather than a partner or lover. I get the feeling I should just give up. And accept that I won’t ever feel that firey passion that we once had. That I am just a disgusting ball of nothing in a comfy hoodie. :’(

When is the last time you made arrangements with a trusted babysitter to look after the babe and you and your b/f went out and courted one another like you used to in the beginning? You (you and he) can't just be mommy and daddy and forego boyfriend/girlfriend mode and expect the want for making love still be forefront in the mind.

He masturbates because he needs to release and he can do so without much fuss whereas making love takes effort, stamina, energy and mental attraction to one another. Mental attraction starts outside the bedroom.

You are both far too young to be taking your relationship for granted. You'll never last a lifetime together if the two of you are so cavalier about your date nights and time away from the kid.

I disagree that this is any form of porn addiction and rather a case of being indifferent to one another during your time together. Get back to basics, consider your boyfriend/girlfriend roles more and get that babysitter working for you.

Sadly dating outside the home right now is difficult with Covid19 so be creative with your indoor date nights. Turn off your phones, turn on the music, play board games (not on your phone), make dinner together, learn the beautiful art of conversation and I think you'll find that your emotional connection has been reinvented.