Why England's new strip makes no fashion sense

Could John Terry be persuaded to pose at a decoy launch of England's new kit? Photograph: Martin Rickett/PA Archive/PA Photos

There's an old Victoria Wood skit on the Antiques Roadshow, where some preening, self-regarding Women's Institute bore pitches up to one of the experts with a carefully wrapped item, prattling on at length about its fascinating provenance, the possibility of it being Ming, and her obvious pride in this covetable objet d'art. At which point she opens the bag. There is an appalled pause before the expert hisses "It's a blender...!" before stalking off to leave madam alone with her Moulinex.

I can't help but feel powerfully reminded of this moment of bathos each time Umbro proudly unveils a new England kit. That moment, and the bit in The Simpsons when Mr Burns launches some winged monkeys out of his window with a delighted "Fly, fly my pretties!", then watches them crash to earth and sighs "Continue the experiments".

The latest shirt-shaped iteration of the England story has been heralded with the sort of fanfare usually reserved for the development of a cancer vaccine, with the manufacturers announcing it would be revealed only just before England kick off against Slovakia at Wembley on Saturday.

Alas, leaked pictures appeared online earlier this week. If you can't bear spoilers, do look away now, but I don't think I'm talking up the historic creation too much to say it's basically a polo shirt.

Of course, the photos have since disappeared after legal threats, but the fact that the kit was being modelled by John Terry and David James suggests it is the genuine article. The day the England captain can be persuaded to pose for a series of decoy pictures in order to put a largely indifferent fanbase off the scent is probably the official moment it's time to immerse yourself solely in club football or even a macramé hobby.

That said, I confess to having developed something of a horrified fascination with the official campaign leading up to this momentous launch. Whether you believe replica England shirts to be a tax on stupidity is irrelevant. Even by the standards of preposterous hype, this one redraws the blueprint.

One can only assume it is a deliberate and frankly biting satire on the whole business of England, and all the vainglorious pretentiousness that has characterised the set-up in recent years. This thing is the veritable Emperor's New Strip. It may look like a polo shirt to you and me, but it is the very essence of tragi-comic self-regard.

Unconvinced? Then do proceed directly with me to one of the lengthy interviews with the senior designer David Blanch.

"The detail is in the minutiae," he declares, "even down to the spacing on the ventilation holes. The configuration of the holes is actually taken from the position of some of the roses on the three lions crest. It's a bit of a Da Vinci Code, a 'rose code' if you like."

Jesus wept... Just when you think you understand performance synthetics, you realise that some amazing twist has derailed your assumptions about the meaning of Aertex or whatever.

Asked if there is any detail of which he is particularly proud, David declines to cite a state-of-the-art booing deflector shield, and instead mentions "the care label". The care label! Clearly, we are invited to read this garment as though it were the last act of The Tempest, as opposed to something Ashley Cole is going to sweat in.

There's more – so much more – from all the 37 creative vice-presidents and Turner Prize wannabes involved in this event. We learn from Nike's design director that the seams "are a bit more honest", whatever that means. There is talk of "psychological advantage". And a personal favourite has to be the bespoke tailor involved, who is good enough to explain that "the sport is much more gentrified now and it has finally become acceptable to be a football fan". Yes, one can now admit to knowing such people socially.

As another creative consultant explains: "We also considered the state of English football, the state of our society and culture, and I think these are things that, as a designer, you can't help but consider."

Indeed. So when the official reveal occurs on Saturday, I want you to remember that this is not a polo shirt. It is nothing less than an attempt to restore hope to a nation via the medium of sportswear.

Although, unless they left out the bit about the shirt doubling as an economic stimulus package, you might judge the latest England strip terminally incapable of living up to the chronic hype. Do avoid any easy comparisons.