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This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles
on how to evolve a
high-nurturance stepfamily. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents"
means any of the
three or more
related stepparents and bioparents managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.

Typical
stepfamilies
are farmore complex than average intact biofamilies, yet co-parents rarely try to
define who's responsible for providing specific nurturances. That leads to
parenting confusions and conflicts, which lowers their homes' and stepfamily's
nurturance level.

This article describes and illustrates a co-parent "job description" which
aims to identify specific child-raising responsibilities in a stepfamily.
The article assumes you're familiar with...

It's a brief document that clearlydescribes
what a stepparent or bioparent in a stepfamily is "supposed to" do. Adults and kids who
(a) aren't clear
on their
family role responsibilities and/or
(b) who's responsibilities don't match their
abilities, usually experience "role stress" (anxiety.) All new stepfamily
members are at risk of this, including co-grandparents and other kin!

Why Are
Co-Parent Job Descriptions Helpful?

Typical stepfamilies have several dependent kids living in two or more homes, with
three or more adults trying to
fill the kids' developmental and special
needs well enough. Such families often don't stabilize for four or more years
after re/wedding - and some never do. Kids need
effective adult nurturing while this is happening. This is often
confusing, stressful work, because...

minor stepkids have over
30adjustment needs
to fill
that biofamily peers don't. Most co-parents can't name them;

average re/wedded co-parents discover up to
30 merger tasks they must work at
patiently together while learning to co-parent together;

typical stepfamily adults don'/t know what
being in a stepfamily
means, and have unrealistic expectations of
themselves and each other;

most new stepmoms and stepdads
don't knowwhat they're "supposed to" do with
their mate's children; and..

While stepparents' child-rearing goals
are similar to bioparents, their family and social
environments can differ from intact biofamilies in dozens of
ways.

In many post-divorce stepfamilies, bioparenting is often regulated by
legal
parenting agreements and custody decrees. These documents often define who can do what
parenting and when - and rarely include stepparent's
responsibilities;

So -stepfamily co-parenting can
be unusually confusing and frustrating, which
stressesre/marriages! Under the right circumstances, agreeing on clear parental job
descriptions can help minimize this stress.

Co-parent job descriptions can range from useless to
useful. How can you
achieve the latter?

Making
Effective Co-parent Job Descriptions Here,
effective means "clearly promoting family harmony and
consistently helping adults to fill their and their kids' current and
long-term needs well enough."

Initially, all three or more related co-parents need
to...

Acknowledge the need to guard their
family and descendents from the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
cycle;

Study and discuss at least Lessons 5,
6, and 7 here. All 7 Lessons is better;

Job descriptions are like mission
statements in that they clearly declare basic values and goals. They differ in that they
include more detail, and they may describe goals over a specific time period. The basic values
and goals in a finished job description probably won't change too much.
Specific short-term objectives will need to be updated regularly.

Like
your family mission statement, co-parenting job descriptions will (ideally) be discussed
thoroly with everyaffectedperson. A stepparent's job description, then, should include the thoughtful input and
suggestions of at least all (older) kids
and other co-parents involved. Re/wedded mates may make
separate goal statements for their marriage relationship, and for co-managing
their home. If this was true in the job description sample below, it would be shorter,
because the first two parts of the job description would be in these separate statements.
An
optional third document is a specific strategy or plan to reach the main goals
in the stepfamily job descriptions. Plans may be blended into the latter or may stand
alone.

If
this sounds like a lot of work - it IS! Co-managing an average
multi-home stepfamily effectively is complex, confusing, demanding, and often
conflictual, for manyyears. The eventual rewards of this long-term challenge are
priceless: healthy, productive, independent young adults; flourishing
re/marriages; and contented,
proud co-parents and relatives.

This stepdad/biodad tries to balance
his job description between
being general enough to allow flexibility, and being specific enough to provide clear
guidance. Here...

Martha is the stepdad's wife, Ann's custodial
biomother;

Rick is Martha's ex husband, Ann's biofather;
and...

Alex lives with his single biomom
Nina.

Confusing, isn't it? Both kids live with
their biological mothers, and visit their father periodically.

As you read this, note which parts you agree with and
feel good about, and why - and which youd do differently. There is no right
way!Keep in mind "co-parent"
and "stepparent" are roles,
not persons!

+ + +

My Co-parenting Job
Description

1) My Basic Principles

I will be true to
my Higher Power and my
Self before allothers.
Keeping my Self healthy and balanced is one of the greatest gifts I can give to Martha,
Ann, and Alex. I'm responsible for doing so;

I choose this job of co-parent
(biofather/stepfather) in our three-home stepfamily, and I take it
seriously!

I accept Rick and Nina as
fully equal co-parenting partners with Martha and me, even though we
don't always agree with their values or choices.

Martha and I
share responsibility for providing a
safe and healthy home for all under our roof. I will never consciously cause or allow
verbal, emotional, physical, or spiritual
abuse or
neglect in our
three related homes.

My overall responsibility to Ann and Alex is to
nurture, protect, and encourage them as valuable, unique people, in cooperation with
Martha, Nina, and Rick.

When people can't
agree in and between our three homes,
my marriage commitment to Martha
will usually come
before all else except my wholistic health and
integrity. I ask and expect the same priority from Martha. I pledge my part
in protecting us all from redivorce. My loving bond with my son Alex will never break. My growing
bonds with Martha and Ann are different and less sure.

I will strive to stay clear on what an
effective co-parent is in our
multi-home stepfamily, and will steadily work for excellence in this job, within my and
our limits;

As a co-parent, I am a willing, temporary caregiver,
guide, and protector for Alex and Ann - not an owner or a buddy.

Because I co-conceived him, and have known and nurtured Alex
longer, I share more responsibility for his values and choices than I do for
Ann's. I will become more responsible for Ann as we all build our stepfamily together.

To me, "parental
love" means
consistently prizing and nurturing the spirit, talents, dreams, and uniqueness of any
child. In this sense, I love Ann and Alex equally. Because Alex carries my genes, name,
features, and lineage, I also love him deeply in a different way.

Nina and I are jointly responsible for major co-parenting
decisions about Alex. Martha and Rick are primarily responsible for major co-parenting
decisions about my stepdaughter Ann. Martha and I can advise each other on such decisions, where helpful.
I share equal responsibility with Martha for daily living decisions in our home.

I respect Alex's and Ann's grandparents and relatives
as valued, special partners in our
extended stepfamily. I respect their
rights to know about and contribute to Alex and Ann's welfare. I may - but
don't have to - follow their counsel. Martha may have a different view on
this.

I will never try to take Rick's place as Ann's
biofather. I do fathering "things" with and for her every day. I will do
what I can to respect and promote a healthy, loving relationship between Ann and Rick. If
I feel Rick's actions seriously harm or threaten Ann, I will speak my opinion clearly and
promptly, and seek peaceful change together with Martha.

In guiding and protecting Ann, I acknowledge the real
limits on me that exist in Martha and Rick's divorce decree. I claim the right to
disagree with those limits, and to work cooperatively and within the law to change them,
if Martha and I agree that would help Ann.

Overall,
I accept my shared
responsibility in protecting us all - and any unborn kids - from
inheriting the toxic [wounds + unawareness] cycle.

I believe Alex and Ann each have the right to live
at some time with their other bioparent if (a) they want to and (b) all adults affected by
such a change agree on it;

I'm open to constructive ideas from other people
about my co-parenting job. I am responsible for making,
updating, and acting on this statement to be the best co-parent I can be.
I've never been in a stepfamily, so I'll make mistakes as I learn how to be
an effective stepfather. That's OK, as long as I learn from them and
apologize where needed!

Pause and reflect - how do you feel about this man's declaration of
his co-parental values? What would yourdeclaration look like?

To provide
a safe and loving home with Martha,
with enough clothing, healthy food, spiritual and medical care, comfort, space, laughter,
and peace for us all;

To love Alex,
Ann, my adult partners, and my Self as human beings equally and
unconditionally(where possible), and to
be gentle with my Self and them those times that I fail;

To set and enforce clear limits with other
stepfamily members that allow Martha and me our own spaces, privacies, friends, and
interests separate from theirs;

To help our (and other) kids learn about
our Higher Power
and their own
spirituality, and encourage them to form their own healthy
beliefs;

To help Alex and Ann discover what their special
personal
gifts are and how to grow and use them in a safe and balanced way;

To help Ann and Alex to grow (a) unwavering Selflove,
Self respect, and Self confidence in any life situation; and grow (b)
the motivation and
ways to bring these out in others;

To set the best examples for the kids I can by
consistently practicingwhat I preach. I'm specially dedicated to
showing them with Martha what a healthy marriage looks and sounds like!

To work patiently towards acceptable compromises
when
we have
values and
loyalty conflicts.

More co-parenting goals: I want...

To
learn how to
grieve well,
and to forge a
pro-grief
home and family with Martha;

To let Martha, Nina, and Rick know clearly and promptly if
I have a co-parenting problem, and then ask their help, and/or resolve it with
them;

To thank Martha, Rick, and Nina for their co-parenting
efforts and support periodically, and thank the kids when they cooperate, try, or go
above and beyond;

To ask Martha and Rick
periodically if they're feeling enough
co-parenting support from me. If they aren't, learn clearly what they
need from me; rather than going through Martha, Nina, or Rick.
I'm responsible for keeping my co-parents
partners informed enough;

To merit my own and others respect
by
steadily acting on my co-parenting principles. This includes standing up firmly for
my own rights as a person and co-parent, and drawing clear, consistent
limits on what behaviors I will
and won't tolerate;

To periodically spend fun time with each
child
without distractions;

To encourage each child to ask questions, and take
safe-enough riskswithout
excessive fear!

To take a genuine interest in who Alex and Ann care
about and what they hope for, where I can - and be honest when I can't without undue
guilt. With my partners and their schools, teach Ann and Alex safe practices around
drugs (including food), sex, and money, when that's timely;

To never use the kids to fill my
personal needs, other than
asking for reasonable help in our home;

Get clearer on what "effective
child discipline"
means in our three-home stepfamily, and strive for it cooperatively with my partners.
I want Ann and Alex to always know clearly what our main house rules
are, and what
will happen (consequences) if they choose to not follow them;

If any of us co-parents disagree on house rules,
my goal is to resolve this without catching the kids
between us. Rick and Nina have the
right to choose different house rules than we do - even though
this is hard at times on Ann and
Alex;

To practice our Family Filharmonic Orchestra
regularly - we can be great!

To learn with Martha by February if there's a
stepfamily support group we could try out, and to do so;

To not take my
overlapping jobs as biofather and
stepfather too seriously!

To review this statement at least twice
a year with
Martha, Rick, Nina, Alex, and Ann to keep it current, known, and working.

A sample stepdad/biodad job description, continued...

3) My Goals For My Stepdaughter
Ann
This Year

1) Remind myself regularly of the gifts,
joys, and opportunities she brings into my life, to balance the hassles!

2) Watch for chances to validate Ann's achievements, no matter how small.
Let her know clearly I think she's special when I'm feeling that;

3) With Martha, help Ann learn to channel her anger instead of exploding.
If no progress by summer, talk about
counseling for her (all of us?) with Martha and
Rick;

4) Learn "what's normal" (!) from other parents of
12 year
old girls - specially from other step and biofathers, including Dad and Martha's
father;

15) When we have problems with Ann's
visitations, consider Ann's and
Rick's
needs equally with Martha's and mine;

16) Stay informed on Ann's school grades, projects, and activities,
and help where I can. Make an honest effort to go to all parent/teacher conferences with
Martha;

17) Build a "Phantom Five" clubhouse in the back yard with
Ann and her friends by May. See if Rick or Martha want to help;

18) Support Ann in her Youth Group activities;

19) By 4/31, get clear with my Self, then Martha on whether Ill
contribute to Ann's college fund. If so, decide when and how much. Tell Rick
and Nina. I want both kids to have an excellent education!

20) By October: think through how I want to provide for Ann, discuss with
Martha, and revise my will. Tell Alex, Nina, and Rick.

21) Give my Self permission to flex on any of these, or add new
goals, as our year unfolds!

Sample Biofather/Stepfather "job description," concluded...

4) My Goals For My Son
Alex
This Year

1) See or talk to him at least once a week
- and don't try "too hard" when we're together;

2) Remember to tell him often how much I love him and how special he
is, instead of assuming that he knows this;

3) Accept joint responsibility with Nina for working on
healing our divorce conflicts without involving Alex;

4) Work with Nina and Alex toward
win-win solutions
of our conflicts on Alex's dental work, weight, allowance, learning to
drive, and smoking. Include Martha's suggestions on each of these;

5) With Nina,
make sure Alex knows clearly, within limits and without
blaming her or me, why we divorced, and why we'll never get back
together. Ask his feelings about these. If he gives them, try to listen non-defensively.
This is really scary!;

6) Enforce healthy limits for Alex along with Martha and Nina, in
spite of the
guilt and sorrow I feel
about his
pain from our divorce and my remarriage;

7) With Nina, find out about the
Rainbows
program at school, and encourage Alex to participate if he's ready; (note:
"Rainbows" is a supervised peer-support program sponsored by some schools and
churches to help kids of divorce or parental death understand and mourn their
losses);

8) Accept that Alex and Martha don't
love each other the way I
wish they could, and that it's enough to grow mutual respect for now. This is hard!;

9) Remember that Martha's never been a stepmom before, that she's
learning how, and will make mistakes just like I do. Get clear by June on what we each
expect of her as Alex's stepmother. Learn Alex's, Ann's, and Ninas feelings on this.
I hope Martha writes her own co-parenting job description by midyear;

10) Within limits, tell Alex my daily feelings, dreams, and problems -
informationally, not as a pal, whiner, or dependent. I want him to know what being an
adult man, husband, and father is like, and help him grow healthy images of them;

11) See that Alex, I, Jack, and Dad get some "guy" times
together this year - at least once a quarter. I take responsibility for initiating
this.

12) Stay out of
the middle
of Alex and Martha, Alex and Nina, Martha and
Nina, and Ann and Alex when I can. When I can't - and compromises don't work for everyone
- nurturing our marriage will come
before everything but my wholistic health and integrity with me, often enough for Martha;

13) Pay regular and special financial support on time. Honor my half
of the parenting agreement Nina and I worked out. Work with her peacefully for change if
it becomes outdated;

14) Help Alex feel truly welcome and a full member of our home when he
visits.
That includes both privileges and chores!

15) When we have problems with Alex's visitations, try to balance his, Ninas,
and Ann's needs equally with ours;

16) Stay informed on Alex's school grades, projects, and activities.
Attend all parent / teacher conferences with Nina, and his ball games when I can. GO
VIKINGS!;

17) Support Alex's Outward Bound trip in June, and football camp in July.
Coordinate our August vacation plans with Nina with enough lead time.

I freely choose to work hard toward these
co-parenting targets, balanced with the other responsibilities and goals in my life. I'm (usually) glad
for the chance to do them!

+ + +

Notice your thoughts and feelings
now. Clearly, this step/father didn't just dash this job
description off without a lot of reflection and soul searching!
What does this document say to you about this man's priorities?

How do you think his wife, ex
mate, and Ann and Alex would feel about his writing this?

Do you think a job description
like this would stress or strengthen their re/marriage and three-home nuclear
stepfamily?

What would help this man
use
this declaration regularly? What might hinder him?

What if the other co-parents had
similar job descriptions - and used them?

How might your life be different
if your parent/s had written and used such a job description? Your
grandparents?

Note that this accountability declaration is meant as a
guideline, not a legal
decree. Unless this stepfather is a rigid perfectionist, he can aim to meet as many of
these objectives as he can, not all of them, since Life always throws curve
balls. Note that some co-parents' job descriptions would be shorter
than this one, because they wouldn't have both bioparent and stepparent
roles.

Is anything in the way of your writing some kind of co-parenting job (role) description like
this four-part sample?

Recap

This Lesson-7 article proposes that raising kids effectively in
typical stepfamilies is much more complex than in typical intact
biofamilies.
The article suggests that a way to manage this complexity is for stepparents
and bioparents ("co-parents") is to evolve and use a "job description" to
clarify which family adult is responsible for what, for nurturing each minor child.

This article
defines a (family) "job description," and summarizes requisites for making
one that is effective. The rest of the article is an example of a
stepfather/biofather's four-part job description.