On writing, longing, knowing eternal love and the search for peace and cake.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Mums Birthday

Happy Birthday Mum!

My Mum has every strength that I do not. She's been a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a friend.
She's funny, intelligent, quiet, shy, warm, patient, welcoming, makes great tea. Is understanding, careful, polite, cheats at games and rarely sleeps.

Mum, You have been with me through so many chapters, both good, questionable, slim, fat, challenging and down right awful. You have seen me as a blond, red head, dark hair, natural and once with a purple stripe. You have seen me as an actress, a writer, an event planner, a Christmas elf, a receptionist, a bride, a widow and a little girl saying "well at least he had the best part of the sandwich!" AND as an adult, laughing so much that we had tears at our photo joke about..."sandwiches". I see we have a thing about food!

You have always said yes and You have never judged me. You let me go, You let me arrive.

How many Mums are able to understand that their daughter cannot speak to them sometimes, because all she can do is cry? You have been incredible during this painful phase. Truly incredible.

I failed at my true gift for You this year. You know how much I wanted to fly out and see You. I didn't make it work and quite honestly, I should have. And yet, You left me a message today thanking me for the fruit hamper I sent, saying it was the loveliest gift.
You amaze me with your generosity of thought.

When I have literally sat on my kitchen floor with my head in the oven there are two things that make me breath again. One - that I would never put You through anything else and Two - I now have an electric oven; so I would only end up with a really bad tan.

So maybe Mum, I take my next step for You, like I took my first steps for You. Because I can't seem to do it for myself alone at the moment. I've gone backwards and I don't want You to see that anymore.
I will never be as brave and as full of forgiveness as You are. I will however aim to smile, to grow, to make better tea, to have shiny hair and to be authentic in every moment, because I know that is your wish for me.
That will lead me to find the ways to be able to see You, share things together, make You proud, make You feel as special as You deserve to feel, because truly You make the word MUM make sense.