8/25/15 – Well, here goes…

Well, here goes… welcome to my personal blog recounting all the messy details of my reproductive organs, mental breakdowns, pee sticks and wine binging while my husband and I try to create a human. Intrigued? Well I can’t say I blame you after that opening statement. Who wouldn’t want to read all of the intimate details of my life that I’ve just posted on the internet?! So sit back, grab a glass of wine or a beer (you can be sure I’ve got one while typing this) and enjoy reading about my desolation and despair journey to conceiving a child.

Rewind – My story begins with a prince who rescued me from a wicked queen who had me locked inside a tower… well not exactly, but it worked for Disney, right? While I do consider Nathan my Prince Charming he didn’t rescue me from an evil queen. Sorry to ruin the hype. He’s just a normal guy who loves me completely. All my quirks and outbursts, my love of Slurpees and hotdogs, he even loves that I sometimes cry at reality television (Biggest Loser gets me every time); He loves ALL of me. I think that kind of love is something everyone hopes for. It’s a calming feeling to know that no matter what kind of crazy I show him each day it’s harder to divorce me than to just stay married he’s always there to comfort me and talk me off the ledge.

Nathan and I were married on July 18th, 2014, in what was no doubt the talk of Eureka Springs, AR. We stood in the most amazing chapel and vowed to love each other forever, blah, blah, blah. You’ve been to weddings you know the drill. Since then we’ve bought a home and about 3 ½ acres of land and spend our weekends with our 2 kids, renovating, DIYing, shooting things (just targets and deer mostly) and trying to make a human… not all at once of course and definitely not in that particular order. Now I’m sure you’re probably thinking, “This girl’s wine must have kicked in! Isn’t this a blog about conceiving a child? Did she just say she already has 2?” And you would be correct in ALL of those assumptions. My husband came into my life as a package deal. He brought with him a lego loving, kindhearted little boy and a sassy, outdoorsy little girl. Nathan has already made me a mother. I’m a firm believer that it takes more than just DNA to make someone a parent. I call them my children and there is no way I could love them more! While some women would be thrilled with having two amazing children that they didn’t have to go through the ups and downs of pregnancy to have, I’ve waited my whole life to be pregnant. Yes, I’m one of those ‘pregnancy is so beautiful’ and ‘I can’t wait until I’m fat’ kind of women. I’ve spent so many mornings standing in front of the mirror pushing my stomach out (unfortunately some days I didn’t have to push very hard) and just imagining myself with that tiny baby bump. And NOW, here I am, married to the man of my dreams, in our home and ready for the next step… a screaming, crying, pooping, needy little bundle of joy.

Up until about a year ago I thought getting pregnant would be a breeze! I mean everyone seemed to be doing it. I’d just stop taking my birth control and BOOM… I’m knocked up. Right? Wrong, so so wrong! Apparently getting pregnant is like really, really hard. I mean have you ever googled pregnancy statistics? Weird… me neither. But if you did you’d find out that there is only like a 12-24 hour time frame each month when you can get pregnant and of that time only about 20% actually get pregnant. Now I’m not sure where these so called ‘doctors’ are getting their information from because last time I checked the good ole FB I’m pretty sure EVERYONE I know is pregnant or just had a baby. So if it’s so hard to get pregnant then why does everyone seem to be doing it with such ease? Insert panic attack here… my eggs are dying, Nathan’s guys are slow, I have an inhospitable environment even though “I’ve always tried to be such a good host!” (If you picked up on that subtle Friends reference, we might be soul mates.) I tend to be a notorious over-reactor. Just ask my co-workers about the lump I found behind my ear and through the magic of Google and WebMD, I convinced myself it was a tumor. Good news… it wasn’t a tumor and it went away. Bad news… this lovely personality trait is great when it comes to my job (I’m a meeting and event planner and thrive on details and precise planning), but it’s not so great when you are dealing with something you have absolutely no control of.

Don’t get me wrong, while I’m over the moon excited for all my mommy and daddy friends I can’t help but lose enthusiasm and wonder when it will be my turn to post the ‘coming soon,’ or ‘Reese party of 5,’ and overshare belly and sonogram pictures (consider this your warning if we’re Facebook friends.) Everyone says, “it will happen eventually,” “stay positive,” and my personal favorites “just keep trying,” and “are you sure you’re doing it enough?”

I like to think I’m a pretty positive person… until I get the dreaded visit from Aunt Flow every month and my dreams are crushed. This is usually followed by about 2 weeks of binge drinking, then a week of pee sticks to test ovulation, another two weeks of waiting (sober might I add) and then wrapped up with a week of running to the store to buy tampons, cookie dough and wine. I’ve been trying to send myself positive vibes by not keeping any tampons in the house hoping that month I won’t need them. The cookie dough and wine method coupled with some comforting hugs and wise words from my husband is how I deal each month with the disappointment of seeing only one line on that pregnancy test. And then the vicious cycle continues the next month.

So here we are. Still not pregnant and a little heavier (I blame the wine and cookie dough). I created this blog as an outlet for me to vent my frustrations and to keep everyone filled in. Because no offense, but if I get one more “So when are you going to have a baby?” or “I’m really surprised you and Nathan aren’t pregnant yet!” I might just lose it. And by lose it I mean burst into sudden uncontrollable tears. So if you happen to be the poor soul that triggers this, I apologize in advance. I’ve got my first doctor’s appointment coming up to talk about our next steps since we’ve been trying for almost a year now. Praying that my nervousness has just been getting the best of me and all of my lady parts are in working order. Guess we’ll find out. Until then I’ll leave you with this….

1 Corinthians 1:9 – She holds onto hope for he is forever faithful.

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Downtown West, St Louis, MO, USA

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3 thoughts on “8/25/15 – Well, here goes…”

I heard about your blog through a friend and just binge read it (backwards actually, which wasn’t the brightest idea) but can’t believe how well you are able to articulate everything I feel. I also believe that my husband must be a saint because I have been going through the same process now since last September…with an added bonus of irregular cycles. That throws a whole other wrench in our plans when an extra 10+ days is added per cycle of waiting for meds to kick Aunt Flo into gear! I look forward to continuing to read your blog and am sending good vibes as well as an “I know how you feel!”

Thanks so much for sharing your story and for reading whatever word vomit I decide to type here. Praying for you and your journey to conceive. For me it’s so far been a pretty miserable experience, but everyone keeps telling me it will all be worth it one day. lol. I wish you many bottles of wine and the joy of one day seeing those two pink lines!

Thank you, it has been miserable for me as well, harder than I ever would have thought…and I’m still in the “beginning stages.” 😦 Luckily, having a close friend who is going through (or who went through…she is pregnant now go figure) the same thing has helped tremendously! And I agree, sometimes you don’t want to hear people trying to be positive…it just hurts worse. Let me be miserable. Fingers crossed for double pink lines all around.