BUY THIS TALE? HOW ABOUT OLYMPIC SITE?

Call me bad names behind my back if you must. But when there is an Olympic crisis, by all means call me collect.

I am here to help, albeit with a heavy heart upon learning of this awful scandal that threatens to taint our precious Summer and Winter Games. Is nothing sacred anymore?

According to unimpeachable souses, several members of the International Olympic Committee--otherwise known as the "Dukes of Dandruff"--have accepted bribes from candidate venues in exchange for votes.

Our first reaction was, this cannot be! Take my wallet, take my car keys, take my Sarajevo survival kit. But don't take my Olympics and deposit them in the same sewer where other sports wallow.

Alas, the evidence is overwhelming. Marc Hodler, at 80 a relative spring chicken among the Dukes, blew the whistle, alleging that 5 to 7 percent of 115 members of the IOC have accepted gifts and favors from cities bidding to stage the quadrennial track meets and snowball fights.

Regrettably, he was not a voice in the wilderness. Other tales of horror followed. Sallyanne Atkinson, a key lobbyist in Sydney's successful effort to land the 2000 Summer Games, told of an IOC delegate from an impoverished South African nation who admitted a serious problem. He doesn't know what to do with all his gold watches. So it goes.

Initially, we were surprised to discover that 5 to 7 percent of the IOC board members are still breathing, let alone coherent. But that doesn't stop the bleeding. May these perpetrators rot in hell. Better yet, may they be chained to front-row seats at rhythmic gymnastics.

Naturally, these shocking accusations prompted swift action by Juan Antonio Samaranch, the doddering little dictator who is IOC president. Samaranch is a former Fascist, but when he says that was a long time ago, he ain't kidding.

We know for sure that Samaranch is plausibly live, as NBC likes to say, because he's the point man who routinely squeezes millions of dollars from American TV networks so starved for programming that they devote huge blocks of prime time to obscure Olympic calisthenics.

Samaranch is so successful that he can be a tad arrogant. We recently stayed at the same Atlanta hotel where he and his wife had separate suites in 1996, and employees there still shake. To paraphrase one front-desk clerk, Samaranch acts "like his spit doesn't sink."

On the same trip we encountered Billy Payne, chairman of the Atlanta committee whose effort Samaranch rudely insulted, but only after filling his pockets and creating a caviar alert throughout Georgia. We asked Payne about his Olympic experience and he rapidly switched the subject to golf.

Whatever, from his bubble in Switzerland, Samaranch has pledged to investigate this bribery business, though probably not because he fears any criticism from the effete Olympic press corps. Far be it for those groupies to challenge Samaranch, lest he strip them of their Olympic blazers.

In any case, while Juan Antonio probes this mess, we offer a solution to avoid future ignominy. Put the Olympics in permanent sites and never again will back-slappers from places like Salt Lake City feel compelled to influence IOC boobs by showering them with money, furs or false teeth.

For the Summer Games, our suggestion is logical: Athens, where this wonderful tradition began in 1896. Athletes can't play naked because it's a TV show now and, besides, where would all those logos go? But if Greece is too hot, they can always concoct another bogus event: synchronized sweating.

For the Winter Games, we recommend our Indiana neighbor, Gary. It would afford easy access to O'Hare Airport, plenty of restaurants and rooms for IOC types, and for a nearby ski slope, the upper deck at Comiskey Park.

Also, if Samaranch complains about the hospitality, maybe a few of those hard-working folks in Gary will do what the good people in Atlanta failed to do. They can take him for a little ride some night, and not to give him a Rolex.

What's that? You say the sports landscape is rife with greed but the Olympic frauds are really the biggest pigs of all? Because they cloak their deceit under a guise of purity? Would you change your opinion for cash?