Related Articles

Book Preview

My Jewish Year - Abigail Pogrebin

More Praise For The Books Of Abigail Pogrebin

Stars of David

Consistently engaging . . . Pogrebin says this book grew out of her efforts to clarify her own Jewish identity. But you don’t need to be on such a quest to enjoy the wide range of experiences and feelings recorded here.

—Publishers Weekly

"Pogrebin, a former producer for Charlie Rose and 60 Minutes, had the tools to push her interviewees beyond their comfort zone."

—Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles

...a wide and interesting variety of stories about faith and the lack thereof, family memory, ritual, continuity, and the choices they have made.

—The Jewish Week

One and the Same

An enchanting, fascinating book.

—Lesley Stahl, 60 Minutes

Spot on. An honest explanation of how multiples feel about the relationship into which they were born.

—Newsweek

One and the Same is a touching, funny, smart book, written with considerable flair. Though it contains medical, social, political, and historical perspectives, it is at its core a book about love and intimacy.

—Andrew Solomon, author of Far from the Tree

An immensely satisfying, enlightening read.

—BookPage

This book about what it means to be a duplicate is smart and revealing and wise—and, well, singular.

Published in the United States by Fig Tree Books LLC, Bedford, New York

www.FigTreeBooks.net

Jacket design by Jenny Carrow

Interior design by Neuwirth & Associates, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Available Upon Request

ISBN number 978-1-941493-20-5

Distributed by Publishers Group West

10987654321

CONTENTS

FOREWORD: A. J. Jacobs

Introduction: How Did I Get Here?

1 |Prepping Rosh Hashanah: Self-Flagellation in Summer

2 |Post–Rosh Hashanah: Tossing Flaws and Breadcrumbs

3 |The Fast of Gedaliah: Lessons of a Slain Governor

4 |The Truth about Yom Kippur: Death and More Death

5 |Yom Kippur Letdown: Maybe Next Year

6 |Sukkot in LA: Serious Sukkah Envy

7 |Hoshanah Rabbah & Shemini Atzeret: Left Out, Then Lingering

8 |Simchat Torah: The Mosh Pit

9 |Hanukkah Reconsidered: A Split in the Jewish Soul

10 |Hanukkah at the Bedside and the White House: Unexpected Light

11 |The Tenth of Tevet: Starting the Secular Year Hungry

12 |Slouching toward Shabbat: The Most Important Holiday of All

13 |Tu B’Shvat: Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut

14 |Tzom Esther & Purim: Preparing to Fast and Spiel

15 |The Purim Report: Mirth and Melancholy

16 |Passover: Scallions and Rare Silences

17 |The Feminist Passover: A (Third) Seder of Her Own

18 |Yom HaShoah: "We Did More Than Survive"

19 |Yom HaZikaron & Yom Ha’atzmaut: For the Fallen and the Free—Israel’s Memorial & Independence Days

20 |Lag B’Omer: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

21 |Activist Shabbat: Friday Night with the Kids

22 |Sleepless on Shavuot: Let My People Learn

23 |17th of Tammuz: Another Fast, Seriously?

24 |Tisha B’Av: Mourning History, Headlines, and Hatred

25 |My Shabbat Landing: Comforting Consistency

Epilogue: Where Did I End Up?

Acknowledgments

APPENDIX 1: A Jewish Year in Bullet Points

APPENDIX 2: Interviews

APPENDIX 3: Bibliography

APPENDIX 4: Glossary

APPENDIX 5: Web Links for the Basics

About the Author

FOREWORD

A. J. JACOBS

ABBY P OGREBIN SUBTITLES her book 18 Holidays, One Wondering Jew .

Which is an excellent way to describe it.

But let me break her year down a little further for you.

We’re talking a year filled with:

Fifty-one rabbis

Six days of fasting

Countless prayers

One day without deodorant

A couple of barrels of booze (Shabbat wine and Simchat Torah scotch among them)

Untold amounts of revelation, joy, and, of course, guilt

In short, a lot of Judaism.

We’re talking an Ironman triathlon of holiday observance (or so it seems to those of us not brought up Orthodox).

For most of her life, Abby was only loosely connected to her heritage. To borrow a phrase from my own book, Abby was Jewish in the same way the Olive Garden was Italian. Not very. (No offense to the Olive Garden. Great breadsticks.)

But she hungered for a more authentic taste of Judaism.

And this wonderful book is the result.

I’m impressed that Abby finished the year, with all its fasts and feasts, praying and partying. And I’m even more impressed that she produced this book—it’s wise, thought-provoking, and funny.

I’ve known Abby since we were about the age when most of our friends were becoming bar or bat mitzvah. (Neither of us Olive Garden types went through the ritual ourselves at the time.)

Ever since, I’ve followed her career with a mix of naches (pleasure) and envy. I loved her work as a producer on 60 Minutes. And her book Stars of David, where prominent Jews—from Ruth Bader Ginsburg to Larry King—reflect on their faith. And her book One and the Same, about her experience as an identical twin.

But this could be my favorite work Abby has ever done.

She achieves a beautiful balance—in many ways.

She balances passion and skepticism. Learning and memoir.

She balances humor and tragedy—which, as Abby points out, is a very Jewish thing to do. The holidays themselves careen from celebrations to penance and remembrance. As Abby told me, There’s really no stretch of mourning and sadness that’s not broken up by revelry. The calendar doesn’t let you get too low without some dose of happiness.

She balances the modern impulse to rush around with the ancient imperative to slow down (a huge challenge for a Type A like Abby).

She balances her individuality with the demands of community. Because unlike Netflix, the Jewish calendar does not conform to your own schedule. You don’t get to choose when to observe.

And she balances tradition with reinvention. She experiences the Orthodox route, but also experiments with ways to tweak the rituals (For starters, I plan to add some games and quizzes to keep my kids engaged during Passover. Name the second plague? Frogs!).

Her book has changed the way I look at Jewish rituals, history, and the religion itself. She is a dogged investigator and frank witness. Obscure holidays suddenly made sense; the ones I thought I knew took surprising turns.

A few years ago, I wrote my own book about the Hebrew Scriptures—The Year of Living Biblically. Mine was a much different journey. I was trying to follow the written law, the hundreds of rules contained in the Bible itself. (Do not shave the corners of your beard; don’t wear clothes made of mixed fibers.)

Abby’s journey is very different. She followed both the written and the oral Torah. She took on both the Bible and the thousands of years of commentary and ritual. Her quest is more explicitly Jewish.

And yet I did recognize one common theme in our books: the head-to-toe immersion in a topic.

Before I embarked on my book, I was frankly quite anxious. I was nervous about how it would affect my day job as a magazine editor and my marriage (the beard alone would be a crucible for my wife). I was anxious about the public reaction. I knew it would be easy for detractors to slam my approach as misguided. Would observant folks condemn me as too irreverent? Would atheists slam me for being too gentle on the Bible? Would I be afflicted by boils?

So I went to breakfast with a rabbi friend of mine, Andy Bachman, then head of Brooklyn’s Congregation Beth Elohim. And Rabbi Bachman told me a story (which I’ve written about before; but I figure Judaism is all about the repetition of stories, so maybe you’ll forgive me).

The story is a legend from the Midrash, and it goes like this: when Moses was fleeing the Egyptians, he arrived at the Red Sea with his thousands of followers. Moses lifted up his staff, hoping for a miracle—but the sea did not part.

The Egyptian soldiers were closing in, and Moses and his followers were stuck at the shore. It was only a matter of time before every one of them would be slaughtered. Naturally, Moses and his followers were panicking. No one knew what to do.

And then, just before the Egyptian army caught up to them, a Hebrew named Nachshon did something unexpected. He simply walked into the Red Sea. He waded up to his ankles, then his knees, then his waist, then his shoulders. And right when the water was about to get up to his nostrils, it happened: the sea parted.

The point, said Rabbi Bachman, is that sometimes miracles occur only when you jump in.

Thank you, Abby, for jumping in.

Rabbi David Ingber

ON THE JEWISH HOLIDAYS

Contrary to the other three hundred days of the year, when you’re running and doing and building and constructing, the Jewish holidays provide a kind of in-built way to pause and to gather yourself and regenerate. . . . Our lives can become so full of activities and to-do tasks that, in some sense, the soul becomes overwhelmed. We need to defragment our souls. We can be pulled in so many different directions, but the holidays help that part of us that needs meaning and connection and great purpose. . . . Holiday rituals are ancient technologies that carry contemporary wisdom. Judaism works.

Rabbi Michael Strassfeld

ON THE HOLIDAYS

Judaism at its best—the ritually Jewish things—are things that help you pay attention. The holidays are not about doing the Jewishly Jewish things—the things that only Jews do. They are about awareness and mindfulness and paying attention. How do you live a life when you’re paying attention?

INTRODUCTION

How Did I Get Here?

IT WAS A sure conversation-stopper: This year I’ll be researching, observing, and writing about every single Jewish holiday on the calendar.

Non-observant Jews looked puzzled: "Aren’t there, like, a thousand of those. . .? I guess you won’t be doing much else this year."

Observant Jews shrugged, as if to say, Welcome to our world; want a trophy?

I’m exaggerating. Slightly.

But what everyone seemed to be asking was Why? and Why now?

Why, when my two kids were teenagers and well past their bar and bat mitzvah, when my husband of twenty years was content with our middling observance, when it was kind of late in the game to change the game, did I want to spend the next twelve months steeped in the Jewish calendar, interviewing rabbis about each holiday, reading entire books about one single prayer, attending temple services I didn’t know existed, fasting six times instead of once?

All I knew was that something tugged at me, telling me there was more to feel than I’d felt, more to understand than I knew. It’s hard to describe feeling full and yet lacking—entirely blessed with family, friendships, and work, and yet annoyed that I hadn’t graduated much beyond the survey course when it came to Judaism.

I’m generally leery of seekers and the unceasing books about seeking a claim to offer a recipe for joy or insight. But here was a blueprint—thousands of years old—staring me in the face, and I’d never tested it. I’d already been drawn to Jewish life, but I hadn’t fully lived one. Judaism’s less-mainstream holidays seemed to separate the amateurs from the experts, and though I knew I’d never be fully observant, I also didn’t want to be a neophyte forever.

I grew up celebrating Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Hanukkah, two Passover seders, and the sporadic Friday Shabbat. But those are a drop in the bucket compared to the total number of holidays that flood the Jewish calendar. I’d watched how observant families adhere to an annual system that organizes and anchors their lives. I envied not their certainty, but their literacy. I wanted to know what they knew. I had a hunch it would take me somewhere deeper.

My Jewish identity had previously been a given, not a pursuit. I lived in a Jewish town (New York City) in a Jewish neighborhood (the Upper West Side) with mostly Jewish friends, none of whom went to synagogue regularly.

My mother, Letty Cottin Pogrebin, had been raised in Queens by a mother who had emigrated from Hungary in cardboard shoes and never had an education, and a father who was a macher (big deal) in his synagogue and insisted—not because he was a feminist but because Mom was his third daughter and his only shot at raising a Jewish boy—that she receive religious schooling, despite how unusual it was for girls in the 1940s. She was a rare bat mitzvah for 1951.

When my mother was fifteen, her mother died of cancer, a rending loss that was compounded by the fact that she was not permitted to say Kaddish (the traditional mourner’s prayer) for her own mother. My grandfather explained at the time that women didn’t count in the necessary minyan (quorum of ten) required to recite this prayer. She wasn’t seen as a Jew at the moment she needed Judaism the most. Stung and disillusioned, she turned her back on institutional practice for two decades. She ultimately came back to Judaism strongly, but my sister, brother, and I fell through the cracks during her estrangement. She didn’t sign me up for Hebrew School nor suggest I become bat mitzvah. Feminism was her new religion. (She’d cofounded Ms. Magazine with Gloria Steinem and cocreated Free to Be You and Me with Marlo Thomas.)

Our Judaism was shaped by Friday night Shabbat candle-lighting when convenient, an epic Hanukkah party to counter the seductions of Christmas, and High Holy Day services twice a year—on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, because Mom still felt she couldn’t be anywhere else on those days; their sanctity was in her DNA. When she eventually joined a synagogue again—B’nai Jeshurun on the Upper West Side—she was trying to replace something I’d never known well enough to miss.

My father, Bert Pogrebin, grew up as a bagel Jew in a small town in New Jersey. His father, who ran a fruit stand, died when Dad was twenty. His immigrant mom, Esther, one of five sisters, was more lefty than Jew. She wasn’t sentimental. Yet Grandma Esther was a loving force in my life, cheering every tiny accomplishment, baking us ruggelach (Jewish crescent-shaped pastry), singing us Yiddish lullabies, and kvetching that we weren’t staying longer the minute we arrived for a visit. My father doesn’t believe in God the way Mom does. He loves Jewish discourse, the Nation and the New York Review of Books, reading every Bellow, Roth, and Malamud. But he isn’t much for prayer. They share a love for the New York Philharmonic, new plays, cold vodka, and books. And when it comes to Judaism, they’ve had an effortless arrangement; Dad accompanies Mom to shul on the High Holy Days because she needs to be there and they prefer to do things in tandem. They have taken classes on Torah and Prophets together. But she didn’t expect or ask him to pray or feel spiritual the way she does. She rediscovered faith in a way he couldn’t. He never had it in the first place.

Every spring of my childhood, my parents, siblings, and I drove to two Passover seders on my mother’s side of the family: the first at my uncle Danny’s in Long Island, where, before the service began, my father and I imbibed peanuts from the bar bowl so we wouldn’t be starving while we slogged through the Haggadah (the Passover liturgy). The second seder was always at my aunt Betty’s in Larchmont, where we inverted the salt shaker into the matzah ball soup so it would have some flavor.

I loved these family seders because of the squeezes of my aunts and uncles, the din of politics competing with Dayenu (the central Passover anthem), the Barton’s chocolate-covered macaroons. But I would have failed any test on the Exodus story. I was still missing the basics, having no clue that the majority of the Haggadah text isn’t found in the Bible (the rabbis wrote it later) or why Moses is barely mentioned in the service despite his role in the Exodus escape (the rabbis wanted to emphasize God, not Moses, as the hero). I could never have explained why we drink four cups of wine (one for every iteration of deliverance in the Exodus text) or why Jews have two seders on consecutive nights, rereciting the same exact Haggadah both times. (The lunar calendar was less conclusive, so Diaspora Jews marked the holiday twice to cover their bases.)

Back in 1976, when I was an unhip eleven-year-old, Mom began taking my twin sister, Robin, and me to yet a third seder, the Feminist Seder, a ritual that reimagined every segment of the service. It was conceived by four women, including Mom, who were fed up with the patriarch-focused Haggadah and the husband-recite-and-get-served seder meal. Writer Esther Broner created a text and tradition that honored women’s sacrifices and the Bible’s matriarchs.

I was giggly at the sight of a ceremony on the floor with bedsheets for the table, pillows for seats, and a potluck meal. I soaked up the stories of women’s exclusion, centuries up until the present. Year after year, I heard poetic voices of strong women, including Gloria Steinem, whom I knew well from my regular visits to Mom’s office at Ms. magazine, and Bella Abzug, the firebrand congresswoman who always wore a wide-brimmed hat, and was the only seder participant to insist on an actual chair.

During the eight days of Hanukkah, my mother pulled out all the stops, set on creating a tradition to rival anyone’s Christmas so that her kids would never feel deprived of the national frenzy. Every night, my sister, brother, and I lit the menorah and sang Hanukkah, O Hanukkah and I Had a Little Dreidel—the game in which a spinning top with four Hebrew letters, one on each side, was twirled. In our house, a gift was opened according to whose Hebrew letter landed faceup. The presents were modest (Billy Joel’s The Stranger was a high point), but the thrill of eight wrapped boxes quickened a child’s heart and felt Jewishly correct; we didn’t gobble gifts as TV kids do around the Christmas tree. Our trinkets were meted out.

Mom hosted an annual Hanukkah party for about seventy-five people, buying a small present for every guest, asking every family to contribute some form of entertainment: song, poem, or skit. Who can forget Steinem tap-dancing in our living room, or New York Times editor Max Frankel delivering a lecture on the Maccabean revolt? My siblings and I wrote new Hanukkah-appropriate lyrics to a medley of Broadway show tunes. From West Side Story: "When you’re a Jew, you’re a Jew all the way from your first little bris, to your bar mitzvah day. . . ." From Evita: Don’t cry for me, Antiochus . . . the truth is I burned the latkes. . . .

I loved these traditions—our crowded living room full of families I’d known forever and our more intimate nightly family powwow around the menorah. But Jewish identity, per se, wasn’t at the forefront of my mind until I was twenty-four and it was tested. For a year, I’d been dating a Catholic named Michael who cared a lot about his Catholic heritage. Mom was sure I’d soon abandon the Jewish people and start baptizing my babies. She blamed herself; she’d failed to give me enough Jewish identity to want to preserve it. She cautioned that I’d end up caring later, more than I did in my twenties, a warning that felt unnerving. Despite her sadness, I moved to Palo Alto with Michael when he was admitted to Stanford Law School.

The relationship ended nine months later. In part, I began to feel the fault lines more than I’d expected or that I could explain to him. It wasn’t just that when I took him to my aunt Judy’s seder in Palo Alto, I realized that everything familiar to me was foreign to him; it was the ineffable gaps that reminded me that we didn’t come from the same stuff. He knew more about his faith than I did about mine, so it was hard for me to visualize our religious future together. How would I teach our children what I didn’t know myself? Our conversations on the topic were strained. He thought I was overdramatizing our differences; I thought he wasn’t being honest about how hard it could become.

I cried a lot when I packed my bags and flew back to New York, despite my parents’ loving welcome. Walking back into my childhood bedroom with its Laura Ashley wallpaper felt like failure; I’d left less than a year ago with fanfare and a certain degree of courage, to strike out on another coast. Now I was home without an apartment or a job. I had also come up against an unfamiliar realization: my Judaism mattered. Or at least, I was being forced to decide whether it did. I could shrug off the question for a while longer, join a gym, schedule dinner with friends, job-hunt. But it would keep circling back, perching on my shoulder like an insistent parrot, You have to deal with me.

Which is not to say that I truly dealt with it until 1997: the moment I was looking at my newborn son at his bris (circumcision). This necessitates a rewind to 1993, when I had a blind date with a wonderful Skokie native named David Shapiro and married him eight months later. I had never felt such an instantaneous certainty about knowing someone without knowing them, of looking forward to talking to someone for the rest of my life. He had a Midwestern genuineness, a keen sense of humor, a fascination with history, and a devotion to family. Our family parallels felt like no coincidence: we both had parents with strong, uncomplicated marriages; I’m an identical twin, and Dave has identical twin sisters. Dave is three years younger than his twin sisters, and Robin and I are three years older than my brother, David. We had an instant shorthand and ease together.

On a sunny October morning, Dave proposed to me at the Lincoln Center fountain, pouring champagne from a bottle into two flutes, playing our favorite song on a portable CD player: I Could Write a Book, by Rodgers and Hart.

David wanted a small wedding, so we culled the guest list to the bare minimum (not easy—I have regrets), picked a pre-high-season date with lower airfare to St. Lucia, and asked my Yale classmate Mychal Springer, by then an ordained rabbi, to come marry us. We exchanged vows on a mountain so windy, I thought I might blow off. Mom had requested a wedding canopy, and the island resort seemed to enjoy creating its first hooper, as the St. Lucians referred to it—the huppah (canopy for weddings). It was important to me to be under one; all my ancestors had been, and I wanted to relive the Fiddler on the Roof wedding scene, having watched every Broadway iteration since 1969, memorized the movie, and played Chava (the rejected daughter) in a college production.

When our first child, Benjamin, arrived in all of his robust nine pounds, twelve ounces, something powerful reared its head as I watched his swaddled self, capped in a miniature yarmulke, held aloft by the mohel who performed the surgery, Phil Sherman. (Phil is famously theatrical but he gets the job done fast, with an improvised pacifier of sweet wine for the infant, minimal baby-wailing, and plenty of shtick). I’ll never forget the questions that echoed in my head as Ben was being blessed: Do you really understand why you’re doing this? Does this mark the start of your Jewish family, or are you just checking the box?

The bris conveyed a decision I’d never made. We scheduled the ceremony because that’s what Jews do: host a bris on the eighth day of a boy’s birth, invite friends and family to come witness, bless, and then eat. I cried that morning because I was hormonal, true, but also because Ben was the newest tiny Jew, joining a tenacious people that many were determined to eliminate. And I cried at my deficits: how little I knew, and how late I’d have to learn it if I chose to start now.

This was the moment that led me to write my first book, Stars of David: Prominent Jews Talk About Being Jewish, an anthology of face-to-face interviews with Jewish celebrities about whether they cared about Judaism. Sure enough, these public figures had wrestled with similar vacillation—discarding what was inherited; feeling part of a tribe or indifferent to it; owning or abandoning tradition; mastering rituals or never learning them; navigating the patchiness of observance, the shame in stereotypes, the riddle of Israel.

In the midst of what proved to be intense, intimate conversations, I realized that I hadn’t answered the questions I was posing: How much does being Jewish matter to you? Do you care what religion your children are? Do you feel a personal weight because of our hard history? Are you pro– or anti–gefilte fish?

Then I was jarred by my interview with Leon Wieseltier, the wild-haired, erudite writer, who grew up Orthodox and is fluent in Jewish scholarship. I sought him out because I know he’s unapologetically opinionated and I didn’t want my hand held. But as we sat on chairs opposite each other in his spare office, the bluntness of his message was still bracing. He was entirely unsympathetic to the idea that I, and many of my interviewees, might be unmoved by, and uncommitted to, Judaism:

The problem is that most American Jews make their decisions about their Jewish identity knowing nothing or next to nothing about the tradition that they are accepting or rejecting. We have no right to allow our passivity to destroy this tradition that miraculously has made it across two thousand years of hardship right into our laps. I think we have no right to do that. Like it or not, we are stewards of something precious.

I left this interview feeling both depleted and energized. I picked up Wieseltier’s book Kaddish and underlined a line I’ve kept with me: