Road Map: Life Lately

10.04.2011

I haven't been writing much lately. My mind has been busy trying to break down all the changes I'm experiencing as of late. They are less tangible that you might think, but they are important none the less. I think John Paul and I are entering a healthy period of transition. Decisions are being made that could drastically change our direction, but I'm thankful that we're finally starting to have some direction.

This time last year we were relatively new to Buffalo. We were newlyweds, we hadn't really settled in, we didn't have friends in the area yet or even as much family in the area as we now have. We were in a tiny apartment with no dishwasher, loud neighbors and a thermostat we had zero control over. We had no idea how much of any of it was temporary.

A lot has changed already. We have friends in Buffalo, we have regular commitments, we've received promotions and raises, and we moved into an apartment that we love. We've settled into Buffalo, yet we're probably more in transition now than ever before. I'm craving stability, and yet part of me knows that the openness of our future keeps me from feeling locked in. <---I don't like acknowledging this because I consider it a negative, but it's the truth.

Honestly, I still feel caught in between all the normal social circles most of the time. The women I've become closest to these past few months are single. The majority of the time I barely notice, but sometimes I feel left out or disconnected. I also can't help but think that their lives (spouses, jobs) could take them anywhere at anytime...away from Buffalo. John Paul and I have also recently become involved in a small group for young married couples---which we're excited about, but since they all have kids we feel like we don't completely fit in or belong. We can't speed up or slow down for either and sometimes it's frustrating. But in all fairness, we do have some wonderful recently married friends we are getting closer to and we are very thankful for all the friendships we've developed here.

I am incredibly thankful for the friends we have made in Buffalo and the ones I have scattered all over the country. I am thankful for friends who think differently than I do---for challenging me and stretching me. I am also thankful for like minded friends that keep me grounded and encourage me when I'm struggling. The last few weeks have held some absolutely wonderful and uplifting times with friends. (Thank you!)

And they've also held moments when I've felt a little lost.

I guess I just feel so very different than even myself just one year ago. I feel things in my life changing that I didn't expect to change so quickly like priorities, relationships, and even passions. I find myself overwhelmed at times, struggling against some of the changes, or at least coming to terms with them. I feel like they are probably good changes, or at least not bad changes. But I've never experienced anything like this up to this point. I've changed yes---but in a much more progressive self-centered way. The changes now are influenced by things like being marriage: making decisions that bring you closer together and benefit you both.

This post has been a little personal and very rambly but a huge release. Thank you so much for reading, for encouraging me, and for being my friend though all the ups, downs, changes and transitions.