Elizabeth Smart is ABC News' New Senior Abduction Correspondent

Recently vindicated kidnap, rape and torture victim Elizabeth Smart has taken a job at ABC News, according to The Daily Beast, where she'll be a regular contributor to Good Morning America, and possibly other properties. But her own nine-month child abduction nightmare is behind her, an ABC spokesperson assures; this is all about Smart focusing on new child abduction nightmares.

"This is definitely not about looking backward and telling her story, which has been well told and retold...[Smart's role will be] helping viewers understand missing-persons stories from the perspective of knowing what a family experiences when a loved one goes missing."

Eep. Uncomfortable. I mean, just how insightful do we really need our abduction insights to be before our first cup of coffee? "Okay, Robin, right about now, that girl is in all probability being slid a plate of cold kidney beans through the mail slot that serves as her only window to a world she thinks she'll never see again. Rapes usually begin in the early afternoon, but that can vary. What's that? You need me to wrap up so we can cut to a live performance of 'On the Floor' by J-Lo? Sure thing!"