Tubularsock has called this press conference today to say that Ted Cruz’s adventures into extramarital affairs
or Donald Trump’s romps with a variety of younger women are JUST SHOCKING to Tubularsock.

Even Hillary, it has been rumored, has stepped out of line when it comes to marital fidelity.

And Bernie would have, it’s assumed, except Jane would have “cleaned-his-plow” among other things if he had done so!

In fact, if you look at the history of SEX in and around the White House, even if you exclude the Secret Service’s prostitutes, you would find that it is prolific.

So in Tubularsock’s continued effort to have a transparent Presidential Campaign and a complete open door policy in Tubularsock’s future Presidency, Tubularsock has to report to the American citizens that THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER articles about Tubularsock are “GARBAGE”!

Tubularsock knows that Donald Trump in his continued jealousy over Tubularsock’s large hands and perfect hair has been having his publisher friends at THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER publish these disgusting attacks directed at Tubularsock!

THESE STORIES ARE NOT TRUE! THEY ARE LYING FOR TRUMP! Plain and simple!

Now, it is true that in Tubularsock’s early days he was involved with June Cleaver. But only in the afternoons.

And Tubularsock had a three-way with Annette and a guy named Mickey.

“Those were the days, my friend ……… we thought they’d never end.”

But this was the foolishness of youth that we all know so well!

AND IT IS TRUE THAT:

Tubularsock did talk positions with Hillary.

And bear relationships with Sarah.

And the size of Brought Worst with Merkel.

And, oh sure ……… torture, bondage, and leather with Condi.

But these were ALL PROFESSIONAL RELATIONSHIPS!

So Tubularsock stands clear, honest and open. Just as he’d be as President.

Now, TED CRUZ ……… where do we go from here? Few Presidents have been able to keep it in their pants!

We as Americans already have to worry that if Hillary gets elected we’ll have to see the White House turned into

Bill Clinton’s Brothel! And you guys in Tubularsock Land hadn’t even thought of that to worry about! Or have you?

Where to begin, and not come off like the male I is! I see now way in hell, so here I go!

First and foremost, Annette F.! I started lusting for Annette when I was six years old, sitting in front of the tube with my mouse-club ears on and drinking Ovaltine! Never thought much about Mickey, however. And have heard since then, that the dirty old man, Walt D,. might have had Annette F and many of the other Mouseketeers, as well.

And even Palin I can understand. I have a crush on Tina Fey, and I do mean crush, since I’m a fat guy, and, of course, Tina can do Palin to a tea. Therefore, I understand the attraction to Palin. If she would just keep her mouth shut. Yes, I know it’s horribly sexist, but she’s an asshole! God, I hate my urges! Come to think of it, I should run for president, with these kind of urges!

But Hillary, Tube? Really? Suddenly, all the urges have gone and will never return. Or, in other words, YYYYUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OOOOH, GRRRRROOOOSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

But you are correct, mein fuhrer elect, if Hillary wins, the whitehouse will, once again, become a major crime scene for sexual assault on women, thanks to Bill can’t-keep-it-in-his-pants, “I didn’t have sex with that woman” Clinton!

We have no doubt that these are all lies being perpetrated by bad-hair-day Donnie. We are certain, Tube, even with your large hands, great hair-do, and spectacular looks, you will tame your urges and respect us and the office! Plus you don’t know where these women in power have been, or with whom! Remember, safe sex always!

By the way, I like my “brought worst” on kaiser roll with hot mustard and a brewski! Skip Merkel, just get me the brought worst and a stein of German brew!

I must say that I am rather disappointed in you, Tubular. Mrs. Cleaver gets mention but you’re still hiding your secrets about Mrs. Brady? Tsk, tsk! Shame on you for still trying to cover up your escapades…I’m off to contact the Trumpster now to let him know…

Tubularsock, Wow. Who knew I was missing such juicy slander by avoiding tabloids? (For that matter, I’ve been off the proverbial grid … too long, obviously! … due to unintended technical SNAFU’s. Otherwise known as my own carelessness and idiocy.)
Which is beside the point. This may be too little too late, but Mr. next-president, if it will help, I can and will vouch for your upstanding character and absolute integrity in this area — as witness your recent concern regarding my request for a rather large hot tub in the state-of-the-art embassy now planned for a certain Canadian provincial capital. Logically, if you are so sensitive to the remote! (especially given my pudgy legs) potential for sex scandals of even the least of these among your administration’s functionaries, then we may safely count on your own behavior being totally beyond reproach, as you lead our nation and the world to a new birth of freedom and justice! As long as we keep June, Annette and Angela away from the white house, anyway. It’s so inspiring, and such a breath of fresh air to know we are supporting a candidate of such lofty moral standing, rather than resigning ourselves to the usual disheartening effort to find the least obnoxious candidate. – Linda

Linda, Tubularsock thanks you for your very wise, informative and moralistic support of Tubularsock’s candidacy for President of the United States.

Tubularsock is pleased that you have accepted your new Ambassador appointment and have kept yourself away from temptation.

As you know Tubularsock was born of virgin birth so even Tubularsock’s Mother was of high moral standing. One little fact of Tubularsock’s birth is that when three stupid guys showed up on camels their encounter with Tubularsock made them wise.

This led the three of them to be featured on a multitude of Christmas Cards …… the residuals alone has kept them off of the unemployment line for years. An early jobs program of the future Tubularsock Administration.

Glad to help! And I’m looking forward to the new gig … though with all this virgin birth and wise-guy stuff, I just hope I can be really good enough to serve in your administration! Which I’m guessing is not often a big problem inn our government.