How do you learn to let things go?

Let me preface this by saying that I don’t dicusss anything with my ex about below. For all he knows, everything is fantastic in our co-parenting relationship, and I never plan on having that change. But how to you let things go when you know BD (baby dance (sex)) is messing up constantly, but plays DOTY online? It’s so hard to take the high road every single time.

We’ve been co-parenting for 3.5 years. In the beginning he was actually pretty good. Helpful, paid support on time, and very low conflict. We have both since remarrried (he had a baby) and things have deteriorated over time.

Since getting engaged and then married, each year he has asked for a reduction in support. Each year I have agreed to avoid conflict. Last year was the winner when he proclaimed that he and his wife were paying me to stay home with the child support he was paying and that it needed to be reduced. Did I quit my job to stay home with my DD? Yep! Did the $900 a month cover the well into six figure salary I was making? No. This year, at the same time he usually asks for a reduction, he just stopped paying without discussion. I still haven’t said anything.

The time he takes with DD (dear daughter) has reduced drastically since having his new baby. Each time he says he can’t take her, I say nothing and happily accommodate. Each time he drops her off early, I say nothing and happily accommodate. Each time he says he doesn’t want to take her when she’s sick because of the baby, I happily accomodate. Each time he needs clothes, food, anything, I happily accommodate. Each time his family comes into town, I facilitate a visit with them on my time, to keep that relationship going.

But what really gets me, is the time he actually does take her, he plays DOTY online. He makes up things that they do (I always ask DD (dear daughter) excitedly about the fun things I saw them doing and almost every time she says it never actually happened) He takes multiple posed pictures with DD (dear daughter) and her half sister with hashtags like #dadlife #familyiseverything #iwoulddoanythingforthem. And he gets flooded with comments about what a great dad he is. He’s just so amazing. That DD (dear daughter) is soooooooo lucky to have him. It just kills me.

Today at pickup, DD (dear daughter) still wasn’t over her cold, so her dad told her she was going to have to stay in her room all evening and night so she wouldn’t infect the baby. She freaked out and was upset, so I once again offered to take her so everyone was happy. He agreed and drove off. I just can’t.

I know I don’t have the worst situation compared to what many of you have to go through, but darn, how do you let it go internally? It’s too much of a topic of conversation in my house. He has too much of my headspace. His actions bother me constantly. As I said before, luckily has no idea and that will remain that way for as long as we need to co-parent. But sometimes I want to scream at him, post things on his posts about what is actually happening, that he’s lying, that he’s not DOTY. It takes so much self control.

So wise ladies of BHB, how do you keep sane? Did it just take time? Does it never get better? Help me stop caring, because I sure know he doesn’t.

Just roll your eyes and move on. Like anything else, it takes practice.
It m...

Posted
12/05/2018

Just roll your eyes and move on. Like anything else, it takes practice.

It might help if you stopped looking at his social media. Can't get upset if you don't see it. Why set yourself up to be angry?

I’ve struggled with that solely because his entire family is on social media as well. They are wonderful and supportive of me and I’ve felt strange blocking or unfriending ex because I don’t want to clue them in that there’s conflict on my end.

Ex also particularly feels proud that we are “friends” and he thinks we are better co-parents than most. I don’t want to create any conflict there.

I know I need to, but I have to be ready for the storm that will with that.

You just have to put it out of your head. Tell yourself it's no longer your responsibility to try to mold him into a good parent or a good human being. And let it go...

I know it's hard. I've been "co-parenting" since 2007, which basically means since 2007 I have been shutting up or making excuses to my daughters about their dad's questionAble morals And behavior. It's hard. But eventually they will be adults and get to judge what's happening for themselves.

I’ve struggled with that solely because his entire family is on social medi...

Posted
12/05/2018

I’ve struggled with that solely because his entire family is on social media as well. They are wonderful and supportive of me and I’ve felt strange blocking or unfriending ex because I don’t want to clue them in that there’s conflict on my end.

Ex also particularly feels proud that we are “friends” and he thinks we are better co-parents than most. I don’t want to create any conflict there.

I know I need to, but I have to be ready for the storm that will with that.

Surely you can unfollow or something, so you are still friends but won't have to see it.

Otherwise, if you look at it, you are asking to get all worked up. Not worth it.

If it helps, I am not friends with biomom on any social media. But I am friends with her mom and sisters, who enjoy seeing updates on ds. Nobody minds. We are all grown ups!

You just have to put it out of your head. Tell yourself it's no longer yo...

Last edited
12/05/2018

You just have to put it out of your head. Tell yourself it's no longer your responsibility to try to mold him into a good parent or a good human being. And let it go...

I know it's hard. I've been "co-parenting" since 2007, which basically means since 2007 I have been shutting up or making excuses to my daughters about their dad's questionAble morals And behavior. It's hard. But eventually they will be adults and get to judge what's happening for themselves.

Hang in there Mama.

I need to remember this. You’re right. It isn’t my job to mold him into a better parent or worrry about his actions. I need to focus on what I can control vs what I can’t.

I get your point, but I’ll take all of the extra time with Dd each and ever...

Posted
12/05/2018

I get your point, but I’ll take all of the extra time with Dd each and every time. She’s awesome and I’d take it all if I could .

Reality is ex is a pain when he wants to be combative and won’t back down, hence me letting everything go. To me it’s not worth it.

And I am documenting everything that happens for a modification down the road, so it’s not all for nothing luckily.

I agree...I never turn down extra time with my kids! I would just try to disconnect from him and his life and his actions emotionally. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Just be civil and responsible and do what you need to do for yourself and your daughter.

This Internet site provides information of a general nature and is designed for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your own health or the health of your child, you should always consult with a physician or other healthcare professional. Please review the Terms of Use before using this site. Your use of the site indicates your agreement to be bound by the Terms of Use.

This site is published by BabyCenter, L.L.C., which is responsible for its contents as further described and qualified in the Terms of Use.

You are passing a message to a BabyCenter staff member.
For the fastest help on community guidelines violations, please click 'Report this' on the item you wish the staff to review.
For general help please read our Help section or contact us.