How To Avoid Being Laughably Bad In Bed

by Jun 23, 2014

Let’s be real, ladies. The art form of making out is underrated, and boys nowadays don’t appreciate a good, old-fashioned, make out sesh. Can you imagine just making out with a cute boy for three hours and then ordering a pizza? And by make out, I mean just make out–God, I miss high school in that aspect. As an experienced hooker-upper, I have some complaints and even some valuable suggestions to dish out to boys ages 16 to, like, 32.

If I let you take off my clothes, don’t complain about “how hard it is to take off.” It’s a maxi skirt, you can figure it out. Also, you wear shirts with, like, 37 buttons. If anyone gets to complain, it’s us.

There is a universal rule all girls follow that says if the girl has to make the first move, the boy gets 20 points deducted automatically from his total “dateable or not” score. So, boys, make the first move.

There is a 93 percent chance that I will laugh at something you do when you try to be sexy in bed. Don’t take it personally.

I promise you, girls don’t like that nipple thing as much as you think they do. Cool it to a couple seconds and then move on.

Just because I sighed at that one thing that one time, it doesn’t mean I’m necessarily into stuff like that. Don’t get your hopes up.

If I’m in bed with you, the “getting to know you” conversation is over. Don’t interrupt making out to ask me if I’ve ever done volunteer work in South America.

This might sound weird, but maybe practice taking off bras. There is nothing sadder than a boy who has to fidget with your bra for 10 minutes before you ultimately have to take it off yourself.

Necking is great, but I swear to God, if you give me a hickey the night before my 8 a.m. sociology presentation, I will actually die of embarrassment. Then I’ll come back and haunt you.

Here’s an easy fix for y’all. Please give us a nice shack shirt, even if we only made out and then said, “I’m tired,” rolled over, and fell asleep in your bed. Don’t give us the ugly one from 2002, before T-shirt designing was an art form, with a parrot on it.

Lastly, be sure of yourself in your make out, sexy time moves. Chances are, if a girl invited you to her place or agreed to go to yours, she likes you. Make out with her confidently and send her a good morning text the next day with a picture of a Corgi or something.