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Plop! A Day in the Life of the Crisis

Plop!

A Day in the Life of the Crisis

by Doc Quantum

When a large group of second-string characters gather in the same place, each told that they would find something they sought under a looming black cloud by the mysterious Wolf-Man of Earth-Prime, they can’t help but begin to wonder if they’ve been set up. And just how many ways can Immortal Man die, anyway?

***

Kole: Hey, what’s that big black shadow overhead?

Dove: I don’t know. Who cares? Want to hear some of my ‘beat poetry’?

Immortal Man: Hi, guys, what’s up?

BAM! Immortal Man suddenly gets killed by a falling meteor. A minute later, he reappears in a brand-new body.

Immortal Man:Damn that hurt!

Bug-Eyed Bandit: Hey, put your hands up, all you heroes, you!

Clayface: Yeah, we want all of Kole’s jewelry and Immortal Man’s ancient mystical gem — don’t make us go all medieval on your asses!

Suddenly, Starman III (the one from a distant planet) comes in and starts spouting what sounds like gibberish, but is really his native language.

Immortal Man suddenly rushes the two villains, but is shot by another couple of villains who suddenly arrive: Alexei Luthor of Earth-2 and Psimon. He dies and comes back in a new body a few seconds later.

Immortal Man: $#!^! Do you have any idea how much dying hurts? Man…

Luthor of Earth-2: All right, put your hands up, this is a robbery! We want this Starman’s staff and Immortal Man’s ancient mystical gem!

Psimon: Yes. Do as he says. We are indubitabuble geniuseseseses. Damn my stutter…

As if on cue, Immortal Man returns from the dead in a completely new body once more.

Immortal Man:@%#&ing hell! I am so sick of getting killed and resurrected all the time! What is up with that?

The Green Arrow of Earth-2 suddenly comes in and sees the villains surrounding the heroes.

Green Arrow of Earth-2: Hey, what’s going on here?

The villains: It’s a robbery!

Green Arrow of Earth-2: Oh, well, I give up. All I can do is shoot trick arrows, anyways. Heh-heh. By all means, take my money!

Suddenly, a buzzing noise in the air begins as the sound like the transporter from Star Trek rematerializes Kid Psycho — the reserve member of the Legion of Super-Heroes from the 30th Century — into the group of heroes and villains.

Kid Psycho: Hello, 20th Century Earthlings! I am Kid Psycho from the future. Every time I use my telekinetic power, I take one year off of my life! So how are you all doing?

Immortal Man: We should talk.

Immortal Man is suddenly pierced through his chest by a green power beam, and dies.

Dove: Green Lantern?

Power Ring of Earth-3: No. I am Power Ring of the Crime Syndicate of Earth-3. And these are my associates — Ultraman, Super-Woman, Johnny Quick, and Owlman.

Ultraman: Hi.

Super-Woman: Hello.

Johnny Quick: Hey, folks.

Owlman: Greetings.

Immortal Man is suddenly resurrected in a new body, and he groans loudly.

Immortal Man: Crap. So let me guess: this is a robbery?

Power Ring: Hey, how’d you–?

Alexander Luthor of Earth-3: So there you are, you pesky Crime Syndicate, you! I’ve come to take you to justice! Oh, hello there, Luthor of Earth-2, my evil counterpart — how are you this fine dark day?

Alexei Luthor of Earth-2: Hello, my good counterpart! We’re in the middle of a robbery here.

Suddenly, half of the Guardians of the Universe show up.

Guardians of the Universe: Hello. We have come as we were summoned to. And we have brought pamphlets with us.

They hand out the pamphlets to all those present. The title: “SO YOU WANT TO BE A GREEN LANTERN? 10 things you should know first.”

As if on cue, a group of Green Lanterns show up, led by Tomar-Re.

Tomar-Re:Guardians?! What are you doing here?

Guardians: We were under the impression that there were some new recruits present.

Tomar-Re: First I’ve heard about it. Anyway, we’re back from our assignment in time and space.

Guardians: Uh… what assignment?

The Green Lanterns “beam” in several people from the past.

A group of grizzled soldiers from all types of American military pop up, as does a western-type gunfighter from the Old West.

Johnny Cloud: Hey guys, we’re, uh… y’know… we’re the Losers.

Captain Storm: Yeah, but don’t get thrown off by the name.

Gunner:The Losers wasn’t my choice for a name. Me’n th’ Sarge, here, wanted to be called Gunner and the Sarge and their Howling Commandoes, but did anyone else want to hear of it? NooOOOOooooo…

Sarge: Shut up, Gunner.

Pooch:Woof! Woof!

Nighthawk:Walllll, I’ll be plum-danged ten times this Sunday, if I ain’t in the feeyoooture! Nighthawk’s the name, and fighting outlaws’s muh game! Yee-hawwww!

Nighthawk shoots off a round of gunshots, and one hits Immortal Man in the head.

Immortal Man, 2 minutes later: AAAAARGGH!

Dove: Hey, what are you guys all doing here, anyway?

Green Arrow of Earth-2: I heard of a rumor of some kind of werewolf haunting this piece of land.

Tula: Hey, dude! That’s what I heard, too! Except I thought it was more like a wolf-man.

Dove: Do you want me to wash your mouth out with soap? I will, y’know!

Luthor of Earth-2: I believe you have heard wrong, foolish heroes. The great villain of Earth-Prime, Wolf-Man, revealed to us that riches could be found at this very spot, at this very time.

Marv Wolfman: Hey, guys, so you’re all here! Great.

All: Huh?

Marv Wolfman: Oh, waitasec, I don’t see Supergirl or the Flash here, but I guess their time is coming soon enough, anyway. Too bad I couldn’t have tossed in a few more. Oh, well, there’s always Zero Hour. Ta!

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