Today, 1 April 2020, is a momentous day in the 10,000 year history of India. Bharat Ratna Modi has been conferred the Nobel Peace Prize. What!? Are you surprised? That means you have been sleeping for ten long years, my friend.

Just after completing 12 auspicious years of IPL cricket, Modi was conferred the Gold Pass Bharat Ratna early this year. This is a new category created since his accomplishments go far beyond what anyone else in India has ever achieved. I will, in the interest of time and space, list just three.

Single-handedly, Modi has abolished all class, caste, language, age, religion, state, slum-condo, male-female, educated-illiterate, urban-rural differences, India is one large happy nation of 1.5 billion people, and all are rich.

How rich? There are twenty IPL teams, and they play four seasons called Pongal, Baishakhi, Bhai Duj and Diwali, each lasting 90 days, with one day gap in-between. Each Indian, coded with Nilakeni’s UID, has a choice of any number 1-20, and he will be a stake holder in one of the 20 teams. The annual income of IPL has swelled to 3 trillion rupees and if you do the math, you will find that per capita income is 2000 rupees which when converted at the current exchange rate of 1 Rupee= 100 US Dollars, equals 200,000 dollars.

The entire world has adopted India as an economic miracle model and IPL has replaced almost all medieaval activities like IT and Bio Tech as the top career and economic occupation. Poor countries like USA are used to outsource all such activities. All food and clothing is imported from China.

The two major universities, Indobash University of Australia, and Chung Hua University of PRC, each run 1000 higher institutes of learning in India. People no longer aspire to go to ITI, IIT, NIIT, IIM, AIIMS, ISB etc. The in-thing is an IPL course in one of these 2000 universities.

India has also ushered in free, universal education. All education is cleverly delivered through tele-text, multiplexed through the year-long broadcast lasting 9 hours every day. All can study while they watch the Cameron Immersive 4D Experience broadcast of IPL. They just need to flick the tele-text button and rich educational media content is piped in, in little chewy nuggets calle Chyawanprash Gold IPL modules.

The greatest accomplishment of Modi is that he has brought together all the temples and Swami Sri Anand Babas of the country into one maelstrom of religious tolerance and cooperation. For example, the Tirupati temple has sponsored the diamond Srivatsa toss coin. The coin itself is tossed by one Swami Sri Anand Baba.

The science and technology missions have also advanced. The Space and Nuclear Mission teams under an able statesman-scientist have developed the Mareech IPL ball and the Vajra IPL bat. The ball uses fusion propulsion and AI sensors along with 4D HD cameras. It can be navigated by thought chips implanted in the bowler’s brain. And it faces the might of the nanotechnology Vajra bat which has microtransducers that can hit the ball to near-escape velocity.

IPL matches are not cheap to attend. Tickets are sold out 4 years in advance and cost over 10,000 Rupees each. So people prefer the 4D Immersive Imax mini television shaped like a planetarium dome and installed in each drawing room. It is truly realistic.

The players have shooting star careers, but they last only a few matches. The self-worth damage, bruises and bleeds in a match are enough to send even a Tendulkar retired hurt. No problem. The FRM Academy conducts fantastic rehab medicine clinics all over the country for the stars to recover. There they are entertained by classical musicians and dancers as that type of art has been proved to be soporific and healing.

Bollywood is long gone. Willow-wood Academy of Apsara Arts trains female dancers and male commentators to present entertainment and theatre during every match. Admission is strictly on recommendation and influence.

I can hear you ask, “what about the Peace Prize?” I almost forgot to mention that Prof. Lal unearthed an unpublished manuscript of Mahatma Gandhi written in London in 1886. There Gandhi proves that Mahabharata war was simply an allegory for cricket. There were teams, captains, field placements, and inspired clashes. There was a commentator, and also a teleaudience. TRP ratings were quite good and the whole world participated. Given this robust boost of faith to IPL, all wars have ended. Iraq’s differences with the rest of the world, Pakstan-India skirmishes, America’s engagements in Afghanistan, all have ended peacefully. Today wars are over. People engage in IPL so all passions are dissipated on the cricket field. Hence Obama himself was instrumental in Modi’s getting the Nobel.

Footnote: Today’s Hindu carried a letter to the editor. One disgruntled old man writes that Modi is like Nero, who laughed when gladiators died in the arena, just as Modi laughs all the way to the bank after modern-day players are killed in IPL. The man also complains that India’s religion of cricket is a waste of time and we should go back to medieaval times when people played on play-grounds and read books. I think this country will never get rid of these ancient prejudices.