Make It Stop: The Worst of the Week of 12.13.13 — Special Selfie Edition!

1. The Obama selfie controversy. First of all, to all you treehuggin' liberal folk out there: Don't pretend like you wouldn't have raked one of the Bushes over the coals if they pulled the same shit in the same spot. We live in an era of planned outrage, so I promise you that a picture of Ted Cruz taking a selfie prior to the funeral of a world statesmen would have gotten the full WHAT AN ASSHOLE treatment from most liberal corners of the Internet. (Cruz is an asshole, but that's beside the point here.) This controversy was so annoying that it spawned a dozen sub-controversies. Did Obama want to bang that Danish lady? Is a selfie with two people really a selfie? And how dare Obummer shake hands with a Cuban! It's like the perfect outrage factory, so let's address the issues one by one:

You can laugh at a funeral. Funerals are sad and terrible, but they give you a chance to see old friends you haven't seen in a long time, and many people laugh and crack jokes as a way of cutting through the sadness. There's plenty of frowning and crying to be had as well, but a few laughs are a healthy way of dealing with grief, and they serve as a kind of reaffirmation that life goes on and still has a lot of happiness to offer. You can take a photo, just so long as it you don't do it during the chorus of "Ave Maria".

If Obama wanted to nail the Danish Prime Minister, he's not gonna be that obvious about it. Give the man some credit. He's not gonna be that brazen. He'd call up Hamlet's mom on the sly, using the special POTUS phone that isn't tapped by the NSA, and THEN he'd make his move. He's not gonna do it right in front of the wifey. UNLESS HE'S JUST THAT DAMN GOOD.

It's not a real selfie unless you're makin' the duck face. If you're just taking a photo with yourself and a friend to commemorate the occasion, you're not getting into the purely narcissistic aspects of the selfie tradition. You gotta be alone, in booty shorts, making the duck face, and letting the world know YOU BE FINE. That's the kind of selfie that would be extremely distasteful at an open casket funeral. But before a memorial in a stadium? Not so much. That said, Obama's gotta know that the selfie panel is out there, waiting to judge him.

When someone offers you a handshake, you shake it. What are you gonna do, spit in his fucking hand? This isn't SEC football. There are manners here.

I don't know how every President doesn't end up divorced. You work late hours. You get an obscene amount of shit thrown at both you and your family. You're in the spotlight constantly. You have to bomb people. If it weren't for the political ramifications, I bet every Presidency would end up with the First Lady storming out of the White House with the kids and moving to a town in Idaho with no electricity. No marriage can survive that kind of strain. No wonder Michelle looks like she wants to beat her husband with a rolling pin.

There is no inappropriate time to play Toto's "Africa". Don't you dare bash CBS for playing that song in honor of Mandela. It's a damn masterpiece and I'll fight you if you say otherwise.

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