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Cubby Conrad: Normal ever again? Post Cancer 101

By Cubby Conrad

Posted:
07/25/2014 01:21:06 PM EDT

"All learning has an emotional base." — Plato

I glanced down at my computer screen the other day and happened to see a message from one of my bosom buddies, a friend who is also a breast cancer survivor. She asked a valid question – one that I've probably asked myself a billion times. Quite simply, she'd written, "Will there be a time when I will feel normal again? I hate this feeling of being different."

Memories of my own cancer journey flashed through my mind and I contemplated how I could gently, yet optimistically, tell her what I'd heard and what I'd experienced.

"Well . . . "I wrote back, "You'll feel much better, but it does take a while to get to that point."

Conrad

I tried to carefully choose my words because it sounds a bit harsh to say, "Someone told me it takes five years to feel 'normal' again and that's what I've pretty much found."

What those blunt words don't convey, though, is that the journey improves and gradually you do regain your energy, you're not quite so spacey and you're spiritually and emotionally stronger than you were before you were diagnosed.

"I thought maybe I was the only one that felt like this," she'd written. "Some days my emotions are all over the place. It's hard to even know what (I'm) feeling. I hate the way this feels and I don't know how to change it."

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She told me how her friends who were there to support her now seem to have backed off and she felt alone . . . like she didn't feel like she fit in anywhere, and that people don't know what to say to her or how to treat her . . . "Like having cancer made me into someone totally different. I feel like screaming I'm still the same old me."

I thought back to when I once read that when a cancer survivor moves on after treatment, there's a sense that they're not actively fighting the cancer anymore and, in a way, you do feel a bit adrift at times. The "what if it rears its ugly head when no one is watching?" kind of mindset creeps into your thoughts. I guess that's where the checkups and mega vigilance play a role.

The sisterhood/brotherhood "gets" that. We know what our siblings-in-cancer are probably thinking and feeling. That's one of the reasons why cancer support groups are so powerful and helpful, and that's why the network of our new-found "family" is so important. We understand.

It's not that our usual friends and family don't try to understand; they do. But without physically and emotionally going through this nightmare, they can't truly know the fear of getting that first dose of poison injected into our veins, or feel the soulful prayers that we scream out asking for strength, or experience any of the other emotions that are too overwhelming to verbalize so we lock them in the silence of our hearts.

They can see our fight up close in all its pure ugliness, but they can't – nor would we ever want them to – fully understand through experience.

While they share the awkward helplessness of not being able to take away our cancer, we know they would if they could, and we will always remember, and gratefully carry with us, the love of all of those who just were there for us, even if they didn't know what to say.

We put one foot in front of the other and adapt to this new life where we hope for the best, live in the moment, and try to keep the shadow behind us. We remain cautiously optimistic and develop a lot of inner strength.

In the end, it's not the cancer that defines who we are. It's the inner strength that emerges and rises up from the debris. It's the lessons we take with us – our new priorities and values, the energy of those that stood by us, the fullness of each day, and the discovery of everyday miracles. THAT's what defines us.

Will we ever really be normal again? No, thank God. The person we find within ourselves becomes far better.

Kudos to the American Cancer Society, South Western School District, Relay organizers and teams, survivors and caregivers, donors, volunteers, vendors and walkers on another successful Relay for Life event and for exceeding their goal. You rock!

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