Company Holiday Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room
at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll
have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to
make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering
is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO
at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday
which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this
year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at
this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols
sung. We will have other type of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange - no gift exchanges are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.
NO GIFT EXCHANGES WILL BE ALLOWED.

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December
20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we
can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving
your meal until the end of the party-the days are so short this time
of year-or else package everything for take home in little foil swans.
Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous
to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get
the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each
other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their
own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed
though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will
be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in
the food - we suggest for those people with high blood problems to taste
first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant
cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?
Patty

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you
expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's
prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle
during the band's breaks.
Okay???
Patty

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having
our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa"
does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to
our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks,
like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving
turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
Could we lighten up?
Please?????????
Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement
at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your
home.

I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is
all about. What the %#&^!@ do I care...I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO
GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!!
No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come
in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in
the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!!
We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether
you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from
the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll
get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you
know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! HA! I hope
you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die you hear me!!!!!!!!!!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis
a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue
to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management
has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon
of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays!