I’m bad at fantasizing. I mean, I’m really, really good at it to the point of exhausting almost every kinky/creepy avenue and reinventing myself as someone who fantasizes about her husband as a transgression (except not completely, I’ll get to that).

I’m not going to teach a conservative religious workshop on only being aroused by your husband or anything, but I didn’t wait until I was almost 38 to get married on accident; this dude has what I like, between the ears and between the thighs. Hopefully that sounds sleazy and gross and you’ll keep reading anyway, unless you are related to me by blood or marriage, in which case RUN RUN RUN TURN BACK NOW SAVE YOURSELF. PLEAAAASE.

*pic from the actual drive-in we go to

I’ve had problems with sexual boundaries, I’m sure forever. The issue with me fantasizing in a monogamous relationship is that I think all sexual situations are possible. Like, anything I can dream up in my filthy head is possible. I don’t have a clear line between what I’m imagining doing versus what will happen in my future sex life (that I don’t actually want to happen).

That probably sounds nuts. It’s not like if I think of a cheeseburger then I have to go eat a cheeseburger, but maybe I won’t stop thinking about that cheeseburger until I actually do eat one even though I never eat cheeseburgers. And if cheeseburgers were sex, oh what a Christmas we’d have!

I’m not looking to act out all sorts of bizarre stuff on unsuspecting acquaintances, but it’s no stretch for my brain to start thinking I could. I’ve used sex and “intrigue” in a destructive way in the past, blah blah blah. The point being, I live differently now, I have boundaries and true emotional intimacy within a monogamous marriage and no other arrangement is as meaningful and fulfilling as this is for me. I try to keep my sex thoughts on things I feel encourage my progress around this.

Most people (I’m assuming) can think whatever they want in their heads sexually and not have it affect their relationship (negatively) or good intentions. I’m only the sex thought police in my own head, but I’ve come up with some super hot loopholes recently.

A big turn-on for me in marriage has been fantasizing about Bill Clinton-style definitions of being faithful. Not even oral sex or anything but like, what if you don’t actually touch? You can penetrate a person with an object and never actually come into direct contact with them (i.e., cigar, but yuck).

"hey I just met you, and this crazy, but here's a c-note, don't touch me maybe (except with a fake ding-dong)"

The first scenarios along these lines I shared verbally with my husband involved me with women. Topping without touching. Is that weird?

When you’ve touched and been touched in almost every way imaginable, it’s shockingly hot to imagine bringing pleasure to someone using an object and being like, “What? I just put this in and took it out and pushed it in further and took it out and put it in faster…I didn’t lay a finger on her!” Wait, is that sodomy? I’m not even being funny, I get confused about what sodomy is.

Have I just been having sodomy fantasies?? (I had this cleared up for me after I wrote this and my follow-up question was, “So if someone gets a broom in their bottom, it’s the bottom and not broom that makes it sodomy?”)

Regardless, this is my latest interpretation of the non-touching, pseudo-Clintonian (clit-onian) “fidelity” fantasy that’s been getting me off most recently:

Some hot (to me) guy with a giant penis (sorry) is obviously DTF, but he knows I’m married and won’t cheat on my husband. We are so sexually kinetic though, I get all Slick Willie and baller, shove a hundred dollar bill at him and tell him to go buy dildo that’s the exact size and shape of his penis so he can return and make me come with it. But: NO TOUCHING, not a hug or a handshake and if he can’t follow the rules he never existed. And then he’s always a really good rule follower. And maybe his penis (equivalent) is even bigger than I thought (but not as huge as my husband’s real one).

Anyone else practice Clintonian Fantasy Monogamy? What’s up with this? Do you think I’m in danger of rationalizing this type of sexual behavior in real life based on former blurry boundaries? And what’s your weird thing?