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WH and I were talking last night and a thought came to my mind that kept bubbling up. Normal operating procedure with me is to repress and not speak up about my wants and needs so I exercised the muscle. I asked him to write me a love letter. He thought I was kidding at first I think and laughed and said he didn't think it really worked that way that you can't ask for one and I asked why not. It's what I want. It's something I am hoping he will do without asking again. I realized today I am secretly hoping it will make me feel special and loved like I did once. I hope it feels genuine and heartfelt...but on the flip side...my fear is it won't. Maybe I am still to insulated to hear it. I guess I just have to wait to see how it plays out. Will he or won't he. How will it make me feel. Will it make me feel?

Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Me=BW 45

huRtZ413♀ 39214Member # 39214

Posted: 6:55 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013

i think its a great idea and if it makes you feel good then it can really help to read it when you wake up because if your like me you wake up in the nightmare that is your life and you feel sad again so it may help to read everyday.

also i asked for one too, he is most glad to do it so we will see

me_BW
him_WH

I'M ON THE FENCE

Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013

Uneek♀ 38416Member # 38416

Posted: 6:57 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013

I am right there with you. I want to feel loved and special. I've been struggling with this for 3 or 4 weeks now - anyone want to venture a guess as to why it didn't hit until 3 months post D-Day? Anyway, we're having this conversation in MC on Sunday and I'm skeered but also excited about the possibilities.

The big one for me is text messages. He spent huge amounts of time texting OW, so why is it that I'm lucky if I can get one text out of him on a good day?

Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013

Ladyogilvy♀ 31558Member # 31558

Posted: 6:59 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013

I know how you feel. We shouldn't even have to ask for grand gestures of love and commitment. I'd be ticked off if I asked and got laughed at. Just the fact that we have to ask diminishes the value when they try to do what we ask. He better come up with one hell of a love letter.

Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1538 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California

Ladyogilvy♀ 31558Member # 31558

Posted: 7:03 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013

You know what? The more I think about it, the more I think it's a good idea. Something for us to read when we're triggered and WH isn't around. We should all do it and see what the results are. I may bring it up in MC this week. It's either that or bring up more things that will make WH more defensive.

Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1538 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California

Conflicted1♀ 39019Member # 39019

Posted: 7:19 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013

Uneek. Exactly I think I just want the investment in communication I know he had to make when in A. I want to hear words other than did you make it to the store...or did you pick up the dry cleaning...or other everyday stuff that he seems to stick to because it is safe for him or so he hopes.

Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Me=BW 45

Conflicted1♀ 39019Member # 39019

Posted: 7:21 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013

LOL Lady I like the way you think. Tell me what your MC thinks if you do decide to bring it up.

Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Me=BW 45

LivinginLimbo♀ 35004Member # 35004

Posted: 8:48 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013

My H leaves post-its on the Keurig for me some mornings. It makes a difference, no matter how small the gesture.

BS - 63
FWH - 61
Married 35 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1146 | Registered: Mar 2012

NoraLee♀ 37922Member # 37922

Posted: 8:51 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013

I asked for a love letter for my birthday in January. He didn't disappoint. Not only did he profess his love, but he wrote it so elequently that it was nearly poetry. He emailed it to me, and cried while I read it. I have it saved for those moments I need reinforcement.

Oh yes. I never got to read anything that JM wrote to OW, but they both admitted (well, he admitted, she bragged) that he had written her letters, cards, etc.

All I ever got was a scrawled name on the bottom of cards. So I told him I needed him to write to me. Started with just wanting one letter, for me to be able to pull out and read when the "crazies" hit late at night. It took a while, but when he did it...damn. It was amazing. And so very healing. He labored over it and it was beautiful. Then he started writing little notes to me. My favorite are the ones he wrote on the inside of napkins/paper towels when he packed my lunch. I have every single one he's written to me and they are more precious to me than any jewelry or valuable.

I think we get sold a bill of goods when society (or whoever) tells us that if we have to ask for what we need, it doesn't count as much. F*** a whole bunch of that. I am not a mind reader and neither is my H. We are immeasurably happier now that we tell each other what we need/want.

Me, 48
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 18 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 3111 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina

sodamnlost♀ 37190Member # 37190

Posted: 9:00 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013

WH was *SOOOO* good at this when we first met. Sporadic since Dday. It has been a long time and I miss them :-( For awhile I was getting regular emails with lists of I'm sorry's and what not. It was really nice. My primary love language is words of affirmation and honestly - he still kinda sucks at that one :-(

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty

SadFlower♀ 37725Member # 37725

Posted: 9:01 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013

Wow. My FWH and OW exchanged a number of love letters--which FWH described as more like sex letters. I have not read any of them.

But he has never written me a love letter (or a sex letter, either, for that matter), and that really stings. I want one.

I definitely plan to ask for one! You've all inspired me.

Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 65
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA

Posts: 441 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut

AppleBlossom♀ 38541Member # 38541

Posted: 9:52 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013

I asked my WSO for a love letter and he did give me one. It was absolutely beautiful and heartfelt, and as he is not a guy that is great with words, this meant a lot to me. I realise it was just words, but the fact that he respected my request then took the time to write down how sorry he was and all the reasons he loved me and what he loved about me meant the world to me.

Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia

Alex CR♀ 27968Member # 27968

Posted: 6:03 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013

Almost 35 years together and Five Love Languages taught both H and I that words of affirmation were really important to both of us and writing became a way to do that. Last anniversary, H wrote me a beautiful love letter that I carry in my wallet.....it warms my heart to read it and I recently showed him I still carry it.

I am not of the mindset you can't ask for something you want or need......people aren't mind readers even if we've been married a long time. If your spouse told you they'd like to read a certain book or see a movie, wouldn't you try to get it for them as a gift? So why not a love letter?

I would love to have a love letter! I may have to ask for one. I can count on one hand the number of cards or letters he has written me in the 30 years we have been together! I would also like for him to text me a link to a love song, which he did often to his OW. All I get are jokes

Not me. I don't want a love (Lie)letter from WH#2. I no longer even want a mushy card. He used to buy me mushy cards all the time and flowers galore until he started his A with OW. I guess OW got them for the last few years instead of me. Now I never want another one from him ever again.

This is purely my perspective on this one. I wanted a love letter, grand gestures, etc really really bad after d-day. I didn't get shit. It is not in my W, its not how she operates.

I needed to come to terms with two things. First, the above is just true about her. Second, I am independently and solely responsible for my own happiness. I don't want it from someone else. I have found that the search for contentment is much more accurate as to what I see. It's my search not my W's.

I will say I fully understand the want of the grand gesture, but for me it would always fall short. I would rather provide my own.

take care...

Posts: 1474 | Registered: Jan 2012

bloodstream♀ 32999Member # 32999

Posted: 5:13 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013

I do hope you get that letter Conflicted1....

I asked for one as well. It took a while for him to do it, but he did and I love it. He hand wrote it and it means so very much to me. It's ok that it took a while too since now he's out of that damn A fog. (I received it 13 months after D day, ugh!)

R is such a long process and this one thing was a huge part of it for me.

me: heartbroken
him: the one who did it
in R

Posts: 90 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Just South Of There....

Lovedyoumore♀ 35593Member # 35593

Posted: 5:43 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013

I will not ask for one, but I do want one. I want a real love letter that expresses love and passion for me. I do not want one word in it about the A, or I am sorry, or how I was what he always needed, or any other remembrance about the A. I want it to be about me, just me and how amazing I am. I want love you down deep in my bones kind of love with no hint of his screwed up A.