2/22/2016

Note on the Election: Stop Being a Goddamned Idiot

The Rude Pundit keeps meeting more and more people who are willing to admit that they are entertaining the idea of voting for Donald Trump. Whenever he presses them for reasons why, it boils down to "He's a straight talker." What they really mean is "He talks like a fucking idiot for, indeed, I am a fucking idiot who refuses to acknowledge my own fucking idiocy." And the Rude Pundit is ready to grundle punch people for saying things like "He reminds me of Reagan because he's not a politician."

Let's put this as politely as possible: Motherfucking Reagan was the motherfucking governor of motherfucking California for two motherfucking terms. He motherfucking ran for the motherfucking presidency twice and lost before he finally locked up the nomination. He was as much or more of a politician than anyone else running this year. You can be too dumb to know it or you can hope everyone else is too dumb to know, but, either way, you're a goddamned fool.

Maybe it's a problem with getting older, but the Rude Pundit wants to believe that this year's presidential race is so filled with repugnant fucknuttery that it's worse than any other election since he's been able to vote, that it's just an indicator of the devolution of the American political spectrum. Since nearly everyone is being some kind of asshole or idiot about the friggin' election, let's go through how you can stop yourself from being an idiot in 2016.

2. You can't talk about any of the Republican candidates as the "moderate" one. Trump wants to outright torture and murder prisoners of war, in violation of just about every treaty the nation has with the rest of the world, starting with the Geneva Conventions. Yet Republican moderates seem to be breaking for Trump because of some belief that he doesn't hate the gays as much as other Republicans or some such shit. John Kasich is rabidly anti-choice on abortion rights, and he proudly signed a bill defunding Planned Parenthood in Ohio today. And Rubio? The dude who keeps a Jesus butt plug up in there 24/7? No. At this point, Trump, Cruz, and Carson get over 60% of GOP voters. That's right. The nutzoid shit-tossers are the majority of the GOP. That is motherfucking reaping what you've motherfucking sown. You're an idiot if you think there are moderates running.

3. You know who is closer to what we once considered a moderate Republican? Hillary Clinton. And you're a fucking idiot if you think she's some wild and crazy liberal. You're also a fucking idiot if your reason for not supporting her is one of these worthless "scandals." Other than more Trump bullshit, this is the area that has the most uninformed, knee-jerk idiots doing the work of the most sinister assholes in the whole election process. Yes, there are investigations going on regarding her email server, and most of the those are the kind that are automatically triggered when a question over classified documents comes up. And when someone said to the Rude Pundit this weekend, "You know, something happened at Benghazi that involved Hillary and we just don't know the truth," the ceiling had to be cleaned because the top of his head blew off. It's the same fucking thing over and over since 1991: Clinton equals evil. If they're really more evil than anyone else, they do a great friggin' job hiding the bodies.

4. Speaking of, at this point, someone could discover Donald Trump's secret strangled hooker burial ground and his followers wouldn't give a flying fuck. He could be caught in bed with a dead boy, a live girl, and half a sheep, and he'd still get at least 35% of primary voters. If you ever thought that Trump would go away quickly, you were an idiot. If you still think that Trump will burn out at some point, you're an even bigger fucking idiot. Trump has already taken out the seaside villages, and he's on his way to Tokyo. Your puny conventional weapons will have no effect.

5. One last thing on the status of the election today, a plea to Jeb Bush: "Hey, Jeb, the Rude Pundit here. You know, I think you're a poncy little Fauntleroy who never really wanted to run for president in the first place. So now that you're out, why not take off the shiny breeches and put on some big boy pants and stop being a fucking idiot and bitch for once in your pathetic life? Why not declare that you won't vote for Trump if he's the nominee? You don't have to say you'll vote for Hillary or Bernie. You could even say that you won't vote at all. Eke just a bit of dignity out of this ludicrous clusterfuck nightmare you were plunged into. Or just be the pathetic phantom of a man that Trump always said you were."