Talking to a Suicidal Person

By: Beth McHugh 2007

Dealing with a person who is having suicidal thoughts
is thankfully not something we have to deal with every day. Consequently
few of us are prepared should such a situation arise. In How
to Help a Suicidal Person, we looked at ways to address the immediate
situation of dealing with an at-risk person. Today we look at further
themes in helping a distressed person.

Listen non-judgmentally. In dealing with a potentially
suicidal person, respect is paramount. To reach a point of thinking
about ending one’s own life, the person has lost respect for themselves,
so they most certainly need yours. This means listening to what they
have to say in a non-judgmental manner.

Suicidal people are not weak. Indeed, they have probably struggled
on against enormous pressures for some time before coming to the position
you now find them in. Please be gentle with them, and do not label them
weak, even in your own mind. Each moment they stay alive, they are fighting
to stay alive, as they have lost their natural instinctive survival
drive. The drive to survive at all costs is extremely strong in all
life forms, and no person overcomes this instinctive drive without having
encountered overwhelming life difficulties. On the contrary, for the
suicidal person, suicide is seen as a means of coping.

Try not to be critical of them, or express frustration at the way they
are thinking and feeling. This only serves to make the person feel even
more isolated and abandoned. Avoid statements such as “pull yourself
together” or “cheer up.” These two statements together
constitute the most negative and harmful words that one person can say
to another who is suffering mental illness. They are also the two most
telling statements of the speaker’s ignorance. Naturally, if the
person could “pull themselves together” or “cheer
up” they would have done so long ago, without any assistance from
you. What they now need from you is your compassion, your time, and
your respect.

For the same reason, do not point out that other people have their
problems, or that people in Africa are starving. The person you are
talking to is trying to stay alive. So do not burden them with other
people’s problems, or worse, try to minimize their problems by
comparing them to those of others.