Archive for the 'Observations' Category

That annoying Hong Kong smoking ban finally hits the lungs of Hong Kong on July 1, 2009. I’m shaken down to my nicotine stained bones. As a smoker, I value being able to walk out of a “pleasure establishment” reeking of tobacco. Now, after the smoking ban, non-smokers won’t stink of my Camel Lights when they exit a bar. They’ll only smell of sweat, hormones and booze.

Speaking of dips, I suppose I could always take up chewing tobacco instead.

Maybe its time to breakout the spittoons Wild West style and get to chawin’ pardner! I could just pinch a dip of chew into my lip and let that sweet flavored tobacco take me away to la la nicotine land. One dip can end up feeling like smoking 4 cigs at once (not that I’d know). I could import the stuff and make a fortune. Dip tycoon of Hong Kong is what I’ll be called. Epic.

Ok so I’m disheartened by that pesky lip cancer. But I won’t be messing with electronic cigarettes in Hong Kong because I don’t feel like going directly to jail without passing go.

I suppose I could just quit smoking. Crazy concept I know, but benefits abound with the quitting option. No more stank clothes, no more leaving the bar to take a puff, and no more chewing gum like a fiend throughout a date. Oh yes, and no more huffing and puffing walking up hills in Hong Kong.

Where to light up after the July 1, 2009 Hong Kong smoking ban

On your balcony – Light up before going out, then you have the option of brushing your teeth pre-boozy hookup, thus giving you a better chance at a boozy hookup.

In your bathroom – Don’t feel like stinking up the apartment or giving your neighbors kids an early onset of cancer by smoking on the balcony? Don’t have a balcony? Can’t afford a balcony? Take a seat on The Throne, turn on the fan and puff away.

In a corner on the street – Don’t blow smoke in the faces of people walking or standing around you. You do it even if you’re not trying to. Trust me, I unintentionally blow smoke in people’s faces on a daily basis. So find a nice, dark spot away from the rest of the group and light up to your heart’s (at least what’s left of the black, shriveled olive you now call a heart) content.

Next to a trash can – Always a favorite spot for the Hong Kong smoker because nothing says “Damn I’m cool” like chillin’ by an orange or blue trash can.

In a designated smokers area – Roped off like a herd of diseased swine, smokers can inhale love fumes in specially marked off areas designed specifically with the smoker in mind. If you didn’t stink to high heaven before, you will after.

The Hong Kong smoking ban is here to stay folks. Better get used to it.

As seen in the Webster’s dictionary the term “modelizer” is defined as follows; noun – one whom chases after, follows, lusts after, or otherwise obsesses over females of the model variety in, or in proximity to, Hong Kong.

Modelize this!

In my admittedly short time in Hong Kong I’ve endeavored to find out what is the reason for this model fascination. Something I have discovered is men here don’t realize many models aren’t as dumb as they’re made out to be. Were I a beautiful woman that could get free tables at hot clubs and booze just by being my pretty little self, I sure as hell would take advantage of that. Why not? And some of these women aren’t even models. They’re just damn hot. Fair play if you ask me. I say go for it. The models will try to wring the modelizers for every penny, to suck them dry of their traded stock cash. Try as they might, the modelizers can afford it and they most definitely enjoy the hunt, at least what ones are left after the Great Recession hit last year.

Its almost like a symbiotic relationship. Take the modelizers out of their natural Central habitat and the models will start to over populate, roam free and start tempting the rest of us normally paid folk with their sultry poutieness, force us to open up our dusty, moth ridden, salty wallets and scrape together what’s left of our savings to take them out to Azure for a 100 HK nacho (singular, not plural).

I’d buy that nacho too. Why? Because I’m a man, and men are suckers. We can’t help it, we’re all modelizers at heart. If we weren’t there wouldn’t be sayings like, “Big girls need love too cuz.” We all need a little luv cuz, we all need a little luv.

So, even as I attempt to study and understand the modelizer and model relationships in their natural habitat, I realize I am only an observer, and any attempt to distrupt the natural balance of their dance of life would put myself in financial jeapordy. The recession has already hit the middle class men of Hong Kong hard in this regard, no reason to add one more casualty to the mix.

Now this is something a little out of character for this blog, but fuck it…I want to post this because I’m stuck in nostalgia land. Nostalgia Land is lovely. It isn’t really much different from disney land, except the rides are a bit shittier. Like the ride you’re about to take down memory lane with yours truly. What you are about to read is the first blog post I ever wrote, and what I wrote while on the plane flying from Cali to Shanghai for the first time back in Jan 06. I had never lived overseas, nor had I been anywhere but Cali longer than a few weeks.

So here goes…

“So I’m off to Shanghai after preparing for 3 or so months. Have I mentioned I was living at home for 3 months? On an air mattress? In my moms office? Probably numerous times. I’ve said my goodbyes to everybody, ate up all the attention I got and stored it away. Don’t worry, I’m going to need all of it over the year I’ll be gone. All the parties, going away lunches, and goodbyes were well spent.

I have 13 hours to kill. Thirteen hours, on a large plane, with not much to do, and 2 hours of battery life on my laptop. What I REALLY wanted to do was play Civilization IV, but that would cut my battery life to about 1 minute. .

So enough of the drivel, let me get to the meat.

I’m on a plane for hours. Wait, I’ve mentioned that already. 13 hours? Yup, been there. Well, I’ve already watched a couple episodes of Southpark and The Office on my iPod, and listened to my Mandarin audio files. Wah Hua Sha Yinwin! I can still speak English! And very little Mandarin! Hurrah!

Today and last night has been strange to say the least. Leaving everything you know for a years time is a new experience for me, and it is a bit daunting. Most of that hit when I was waiting to board the plane. Just kind of sitting there in a daze, knowing I wouldn’t be seeing anybody for a very long time. It’s quite the feeling to say the least. I will say I recommend everybody experience that feeling as it is quite refreshing. You know you’re leaving it all behind, but you know it will always be there when you return, no matter what. Even if I completely bomb in Shanghai, I know I always have a family and a home, and leaving helps you appreciate that quite a bit more.

I know, I know, “But Chris you’re still on the damn plane! You haven’t even gotten there yet and you’re waxing all poetic. Suck it up you sap!”

Am I excited? Hell yes. I can’t wait to get there and get settled in. I’m still in transition as I have been for the last 3 months, and won’t feel totally at ease until I have a job, a Work Visa, and know how to ride the busses without getting lost. But that will come. Part of the fun should be figuring out how to do that.

I’m lazy, that is why I have this website. This is so I don’t have to individually email every single one of you all the time. Only the elite! And then the elite of the elite shall actually receive HANDWRITTEN LETTERS! Yes, they do still exist. You might have to dust off your mailbox and remember how to open a letter before you can read them though, so be prepared.

Leading me to my next observation: The internet is a wonderful thing is it not? Without the net I wouldn’t be embarking on this wee journey. I wouldn’t have met Li and Marie, I wouldn’t have joined that Xbox forum, I wouldn’t have made the possible job contacts I made or have been able to research all the possibilities of where to go. So thank you Al Gore for giving me this fantastic resource. I hope to use your invention for many years to come to help me move along in life.

Enough props to the internet. It’s 99% porn anyway.

I’ve just received amazing news! I have 2.58 hours of battery life left! Incredibly, my battery power seems to INCREASE the more I use it. Why that’s astounding. Modern technology oh how I love thee!

So what do I expect to see once I get off the plane? Lots of Asian people. Billions of them. So of course, I’m looking forward to being tall and playing lots of basketball. I’ve never played center and I fully look forward to having the opportunity to be a rebounding machine. Yao Ming watch the fuck out.

According to the flight path diagram, we’re just passing the Gulf of Alaska. That whole “Fly in a parabola” thing has me a bit confused. If they let me fly this plane we would have been there by now. I wouldn’t stand for any of this “The best way to a destination is by flying in a half circle,” shit.

Strange, it appears I now have 1.58 hours of battery life left. This must be a result of my heavy rambling. Either that or it took me 1 hour to type the last 3 paragraphs. I’m confused; it must be the SOMA, AIRBORN and Heinekin quelude.

Well friends and family, it is time to conquer the world for a whopping 20 minutes (Civilization IV). I think I’ll start off as the Chinese this time.

Next post will be the rest of the flight and the arrival. I made it safe and sound, but I have stuff to do today, so I’ll get that on here a bit later.”

Wow. Memory lane. Never did write those handwritten letters. Sorry about that guys. Also I laughed at myself about the “playing lots of basketball” remark. I didn’t play lots of basketball, but when I did the Chinese were damn good and pretty damn tall. Totally dashed my hopes.