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National Parody News

Announcer Voice: Tonight on National Parody News: That news story you were sick of hearing about at nine AM since we’ve covered almost nothing else today or indeed this week; a story designed to make you paranoid about doing anything; for some reason, the weather; a small segment during which we cover the three stories you actually care about including the death of someone famous that we won’t mention until later; and, last, a story about dying or disabled children, because we’re cynical about what you people in the heartland like. And now, the news, with ProbablySome WhiteGuy.

ProbablySome WhiteGuy: Good evening and welcome to National Parody News. As I do every night, I am going to repeat what the announcer just said, even if I was the person announcing it because we at the network think that you people in the middle of the country are mouth breathers. And now, that story that we’re been covering obsessively all day. First, we’ll replay the footage that we showed this morning, but with a different person saying the same words because we think you’ll believe we’ve actually done something new. AlmostCertainlyA MinorityWoman, what else can you tell us about this story?

AlmostCertainlyA MinorityWoman: Absolutely nothing, because we’ve covered it to death, but I’ll try to scrounge up something, so that you can repeat the last thing I’ve just said because we think our viewers are old and easily confused.

ProbablySome WhiteGuy: Our viewers are old and easily confused? Thank you AlmostCertainlyA MinorityWoman.Next, let’s talk to AScarily SkinnyWoman about that story that’s going to make you paranoid about something common.

AScarily SkinnyWoman: Thank you, ProbablySome WhiteGuy. You know that thing that everyone has in their home? Well, it turns out if you do something that no reasonable person would do with it, bad things can happen.

ProbablySome WhiteGuy: Bad things can happen when someone does something dumb? Good to know, AScarily SkinnyWoman. Now I’m going to tease the next two stories in a way that tells the viewers ninety percent of the information but will keep the viewers watching for the last ten percent because they are too lazy or dumb to look it up on their smartphone.

Commercial about a medication, commercial about life insurance, another commercial about a medication probably related to old people having sex, the first commercial again, and an ad for AARP.

ProbablySome WhiteGuy: Welcome back. We’re going to tease those two stories again with exactly the same wording, but first, the weather. Hispanicand/or GayMan, what’s going on in the country?

Hispanicand/or GayMan: Well, ProbablySome WhiteGuy, it looks like, in February, a lot of the country will be cold and snowy. I’m standing outside for some reason, wearing a parka with our station on the right breast. And now, we’re showing you pictures of people who should have known better than to be on the road during a blizzard and spun out, some of which has been caught on a cell phone camera which might explain the multi-car pileup. Also, we’re going to show people shoveling snow because, again, the slack-jawed morons in the middle of the country don’t understand how things work. We’re also showing that the south of the country is less cold than the north. And if California gets ANY rain, we’re going to talk about that.

ProbablySome WhiteGuy: And is this likely to change?

Hispanicand/or GayMan: We’re forecasting that the season will shift and we’ll be talking about rain and unseasonably cold temps in spring and then we’ll spend all of summer discussing the fact that it’s hot.

ProbablySome WhiteGuy: Thank you so much for stating the obvious, Hispanicand/or GayMan. Before we go to commercial again, let me tease those other two stories.

Commercial about a medication probably related to old people having sex, a commercial about life insurance, another commercial about a medication, the first commercial again, and an ad for AARP.

ProbablySome WhiteGuy: I am now going to introduce one of the stories we’ve been teasing with the same wording, but now I’m going to add one to three words and call that covered. Now, the death of someone who sounds vaguely familiar to you. It turns out that that person was an actor. He’ll be missed–mostly by his family we assume since he was last in a production in 1973. Here are the three stories that you’re actually interested in. The story that fundamentally changes how humans understand the universe will get the same three sentences as the story about a cute animal and some social media thing that you’ve already seen. And now, more commercials.

An ad for AARP, a commercial about life insurance, another commercial about a medication, a commercial about a medication probably related to old people having sex.

ProbablySome WhiteGuy: Finally, tonight, a story about a disabled child doing something that disabled people do every day but we think it’s remarkable because if we were in the same situation, we’d just feel sorry for ourselves and maybe drink ourselves to death. But this child, even though she is disabled acts like “real” people. We will in no way acknowledge how condescending all of this is or how we’re kind of exploiting these families.

Thank you for watching National Parody News. We’ll be back tomorrow night with more of the same.