Captain’s Log: Constipated DONUTS

We are orbiting the 13th planet around the newly discovered Total-Block Solar System. Actually this is the inner-most planet, but our investigations have revealed that the other 12 planets were blasted into asteroid dust by an (apparently) sentient species of planet Nr. 13. Which brings me to the reason for our presence: We are trying to figure out why the hell they did that.

Our surveying teams headed by our CIO (Chief-Investigating-Officer) Rabooga Flipsensen have been able to discern that the primary species are single-minded multipeds which are unable to change direction. They can only go in a straight line, which is probably why they built gravity-well devices to curve space-time and go in circles instead. In a historical event the species deduced that this is more efficient than having to circumnavigate the whole planet to get next door. We think there are better ways to “move forward” and are somewhat perplexed. We are calling them DONUTS (DONot Understand This Species)

DONUTS are the supreme decision-making beings of the planet. They have very minimal input sensory organs, relying mainly on running into walls or dropping off cliffs to initiate any kind of measurable change in behaviour. Input does take place, but only by written means. They have a surprising resilience to absorbing any kind of new information, presumably due to their thick skulls leaving little room for anything else but surviving the wall collisions and cliff fallings.

These beings are most commonly seen not moving at all, except to meet up in groups after a sufficient amount of paperwork has accumulated, at which point the documents are placed in storage vaults with an editorial remark “Denied”, usually followed by the suicide of the document submitter. This seems to guarantee the “Status-Quo” which is a kind of religious state of ecstasy driven by so-called “Globally Immutable Everlasting Standards“.

We think this is similar to the strategy taken by the Zitt-Beings of Slag who fended off an attack of aliens by frustrating them to death through an utter lack of interest for their invasion. I am currently preparing a paper on the subject calling it “Reducing the Risk of Success with Constipated DONUTS”.

And that brings us to the 12 missing planets. After taking some deep breaths and ToleranzTM pills we beamed ourselves into their “Great Palace of Standards and Procedures“, a fantastically huge and complex labyrinth where the supreme authorities wallow in document-pools called “DagobertDucks“. During the short periods of calm we used our SeekingEngine to find the relevant information. It turns out that a spelling mistake on a pivotal document resulted in centuries of effort to reduce the 12 planets to rubble. It should have read “...and thou shalt go forth and cast your seed onto the planets…” instead it read “…blast your seed…“. Seed in the form of miniature black holes are a problem for some planets. All 485332 applications to correct the error were “Denied”.

This planet is so boring, we are immediately moving on to Planet Lula in the Lounge-Sector to catch the upcoming Intergalatictic TableDanceathon.