Tuesday, September 20, 2016

THEY'RE WATCHING (2016) [Joe's Review]

When a House Hunters-esque film crew returns to the scene of
a Moldovan restoration project, they’re bewitched by the progress that’s been
made!

They’re Watching is…not terrible. It’s not scary, but it doesn’t
make you suspect that the screenwriter was a sociopath (The Chosen), and it isn’t unintentionally racist (The Veil). It’s not awful. It’s not
incredibly stupid.

It’s…it’s been so long since I said something nice about a
movie. But it’s not enough to say bad things about They’re Watching and then just put “Not” in front of them. Or even
after them!

They’re Watching is
one of the best bad horror movies we’ve seen. It is a fine date night choice
especially if your significant other doesn’t love scary movies the way you do, mainly due to its Joss Whedon-esque banter, and over-the-top finish that is
more campy-fun than scary.

The thing that keeps They’re Watching
from being a really good movie is the fact that the theme of 'watching' exists entirely in service of
a plot twist, rather than an artistic insight. It’s like if you made a movie
about the idea of “dogs”, and you featured hot dogs, Snoop Dogg, and a terrier.
Yeah, they’re all dogs, and your movie can be said to have the theme of ‘dogs’,
but you haven’t come to any greater understanding of dogs by questioning what
hot dogs mean in the context of terriers. Instead, Snoop Dogg would have to get into
his car by coaxing a terrier to hit the unlock button, by offering it a hot
dog.

In a similar fashion, They’re
Watching introduces “watching” in the title, in the context (reality show),
in the initial chills (the villagers are watching them), in a subplot about
what the cameraman saw in Afghanistan, and in the ultimate plot of the villain. The only thing missing is meaning!

So, let’s unpack some of these thematic hot dogs and try to
fit them to buns (which, as you know, will never happen).

The Title

In my opinion, the title is the cleverest part because you
reflect on it differently once you’ve seen the film. As the credits roll, it
occurs to you wonder who “they” are, and you realize it’s you! You thought “they”
were the villagers, but then that got turned on its head and ripped in half by
magic! Or maybe that was actually a villager…

I also think the title represents the kind of hopeful double-entendre that always looks really ironic in hindsight. It’s like naming your movie “Four Stars” or “Attack
of the Totally Unexpected Academy Award!” Oscar’s not walking through this
door, and the final dramatic irony of They’re
Watching is that virtually no one has seen it.

The Context

The basis for the found-footage is that the characters are
producing a show styled after House Hunters international and one of the
cameramen is like a method cameraman, so even when he’s not filming the show,
he’s always filming. So he’s filming things for people to not watch, and we’re
watching it. Which is an interesting metaphor for almost all of the films we
review on this blog.

The Villagers

In the film’s very first scene, you see the villagers kill
the cute, blonde intern, so you know they’re going to flip out and kill people.
You assume they must be bad and for the first third of the film, they can be
seen in the background staring ominously at the film crew. They’re watching!
Like, literally. But, then the crew buys the villagers vodka, and they have a
really fun looking party, and then the villagers aren’t really watching them
anymore. So, they were watching, and
now they’re watching…not.

The Children’s Funeral

The reason the villagers are especially pissed at the film
crew is because the film crew inexplicably crashes a funeral for three children
killed by the witch, and then makes a scene and gets into a fight with the
mourners. In this case, “They” is the film crew, and they’re watching a funeral
they shouldn’t be. And instead of exiting discretely, they make a ton of noise
because they didn’t mute their cell phones. And then instead of HELLA
apologizing, they get into a fight about it.

The Cameraman’s Story

In addition to filming every single interaction like an
asshole, the cameraman also has a story about things he saw in Afghanistan that
he doesn’t want to share.

***SPOILER ALERT***

It comes out that the cameraman went to an all-girls school
in Afghanistan to chronicle how awesome it was. Some Taliban guys showed up,
and where they would have probably just chilled and played some dominos, they
felt like they had to ham it up for the camera, so they killed a bunch of the
girls, and made the cameraman film it. So, it’s like totally the cameraman’s
fault for filming the atrocity…because if he hadn’t been filming it never would
have happened. Nooooo, he’s complicit in the crimes of his narrative! He's so tortured that he's the one who somehow crashes the children's funeral and gets into a fight for filming it.

Right after he finally tells the blonde intern his story, they do
each other and unintentionally make a sex tape (because the camera is running),
but you don’t actually see it because the scene cuts to them waking up. So, if
we weren’t watching would they not have done it? But we didn’t see it, so did
they do it? I’m confused.

The Evil Plot Twist

So, this is going to spoil everything. In fact, I actually
recommend watching They’re Watching
before you read on, because this is the only movie we’ve reviewed to this point
where having the plot spoiled would actually be a bad thing. Most of the time
it’s like we’re reviewing sandwiches and telling you “The secret ingredient in
this sandwich is poop, so don’t eat it.” But this one is actually not a poop
sandwich.

Last chance…

It turns out that the woman who bought the fixer upper
really is the witch the villagers think she is. And this whole movie has been a
part of her plan to kill everyone while being filmed doing it. She even draws a
mural on her wall that shows how they’re going to show up and film her killing
everyone.

Then, she kills everyone, but leaves one of the cameramen
alive so that he can tell everyone about it, and more importantly, show them.
Because her plan is for them to see it! And that them is you! But what happens
when you see it? I have no idea. Apparently you become aware that, in addition
to terrible poverty, Moldova is also home to an ultraviolent witch who wants to
be famous.

The main crux of the “watching” idea is how it works in
service of you thinking that the watchers are the villagers. So in that regard,
the theme mostly works in service of the plot twist. You go from thinking they’re
watching, to realizing that you’re watching, and the whole plan has been for
you to watch all along.

But why? And who cares? This is where the Afghanistan story
comes in, and any hope of meaning falls apart. Because using the story of actual
atrocities committed by Taliban against children in Afghanistan as an analogy
for a dimwitted cameraman filming a witch who cartoonishly butchers eastern European
stereotypes is not meaningful. It is the opposite of meaningful. It uses real tragedy to imbue something that isn’t real and never happens with significance.

And that’s why They’re
Watching is not bad, but also not good.

Joe’s Questions for Paul

1. Why didn't the Witch just buy a camera?

PH: I'm not sure witches are totally up on their new technology. She probably went to Target looking for an enchanted mirror and gave up.

2. When did you figure out that she was a witch?

PH: Somewhere between "where's my boyfriend? oh, he's out of town" and "come down to my cellar, there's something I REALLY want to show you."

3. Why frogs?

PH: Because being attacked and eaten by a horde of tiny frogs makes for good cinema. It's a toad-al hop-ortunity, and not even a tad-political. Heh.

4. Wouldn't people hate the "I'm always filming" camera man?

PH: Yes, yes they would.

5. How did the villagers defeat the witch in her previous lives? She seems REALLY strong.

PH: According to the film, they burned her at the stake. In fact, the stake is still in her yard, which I would think would be one of the first things to take out when renovating a new house. I know it's historical and all, but a nice citrus tree is far less gruesome and also: fruit for cocktails!

6. What is Doina? PH: Is it a viral marketing campaign for the movie or is it a real candy bar? I don't know. My guess? It's a Slavic word for "admirable commitment to a joke that no one gets."