Tuesday, March 07, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Mercedes Benz is going to make the world’s most expensive
SUV at a cost of $500,000. Or people could pretty much get the same thing with
a $40,000 Chevy Suburban and just do without the hood ornament.

French President Francois Hollande is warning that right
wing candidate Marine Le Pen could win the election. Where was he when we
needed to be told the same thing about Donald Trump?

A girl in India was reportedly killed as a “human sacrifice”
in order to reverse a black magic curse. Which apparently they got the idea for
after going to Las Vegas and seeing a David Copperfield show where he sawed a
woman in half.

A report says Google Artificial Intelligence software can
diagnose cancer faster than human doctors. Which is ironic for the people who
get cancer from the radiation from the computer screen they have been staring
into constantly the past 20 years.

A Texas professor has invented a breathalyzer that detects
if someone has the flu. Mostly when they aren’t able to actually breath into
the device because they can’t stop coughing.

Psychologists are claiming that social media is causing more
people to feel lonely. Which is the problem when you have 5,000 friends and the
only thing you know about them is what they eat for breakfast every day.

A study says people who have regular sex are more successful
at work. Which finally explains the career of Chelsea Handler.

A study says people
who have regular sex are more successful at work. And who says sleeping with
the boss is not the way to move ahead?

Panama’s Manuel Noriega is reportedly set to have brain
surgery. People around the world were surprised at the news. Noriega is still
alive?

Panama’s Manuel Noriega is reportedly set to have brain
surgery. The entire world could have been spared a lot of problems if that had
only been recommended back in 1983.

Researchers have found they can use the material used in
seat cushions to soak up oil spills. Which means the Gulf Oil Spill could have
been cleaned up sooner if they had used the stuffing from the chairs the BP
executives just sat in the whole time.

U.S. Soccer says all players must stand during the playing
of the National Anthem. Although using international soccer rules, no one can
use their hands and place them over their heart.

U.S. Soccer says all players must stand during the playing
of the National Anthem. Which pretty much takes away any options of Colin
Kaepernick ever becoming a two sport professional.

The United Arab Emirates has a minister of happiness who
says her job is no laughing matter. Especially when the only advice she gives
people on being happy is to stay away from the UAE during the hot seasons of
spring, summer or autumn.

Former Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin says Donald Trump’s
agenda will hurt the U.S. economy. Which is a pretty rash statement for a
country that is still chugging along with a $20 Trillion national debt.

Former Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin says Donald Trump’s
agenda will hurt the U.S. economy. Which means he has to get in line behind the
people who say Trump’s agenda will hurt the environment, schools, foreign
relations, labor, health care…

Exxon says it will spend $20 Billion on projects along the
U.S. Gulf Coast. Which means $1 Billion for drilling and the other $19 Billion
for the inevitable cleanup.

New York City is launching a $3 Million advertising campaign
to reassure international travelers the city still welcomes them in the wake of
the travel ban. Otherwise it could result in 50,000 cabs parked at the curb
without a driver.

White supremacist David Duke has been suspended from
Twitter. Apparently he is being accused of impersonating an official at the
White House.

IHOP is giving away free pancakes today as a way to collect
donations to several charities. Ironically, one of the charitable organizations
they are not collecting for is the American Diabetes Association.

Jimmy Buffett says he will open a string of Margaritaville
retirement homes next year. It’s for people who can no longer work anymore
because it’s their own damn fault.

Jimmy Buffett says he will open a string of Margaritaville
retirement homes next year. Like any of Jimmy Buffett fans have ever actually
had a job to retire from.

Jimmy Buffett says he will open a string of Margaritaville
retirement homes next year. Ironically, seeing a building full of people over
70 will actually look more like a Neil Diamond concert.

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred says the league is talking
about expanding safety netting at ballparks. But mostly just for the teams that
are considering having 50 Cent throw out the first pitch.

The new Director of the National Trade Council says the
Trump Administration is making reduction of U.S. trade deficits its top policy
focus. Which could pretty much be done overnight by shutting down operations at
Wal-Mart, Kmart and Amazon.

U.S. consumer spending was at its highest in February since
2008. Mostly peoplebuying guns to
settle a score with the groundhog after calling for six more weeks of winter.

A study says more patients are rejecting drug only
psychiatric treatment, preferring to also have talk therapy. Mostly because
they like someone nearby to talk them down after a bad high.

A Colorado man claims to be the rightful King of England,
saying he is a descendant from a 3rd Century Royal Welsh line. If
that works out, the best investment he ever made was the $200 to sign up with
Ancestry.com.

Three British scientists won a Million Euro prize for their
work on the brain’s reward system. They accomplished it by imagining how great
it would be to do something that got them a Million Euros.

Republicans say they will introduce their health care
replacement bill this week. It gives every American access to medical
treatment, as long as it only involves blood letting, using an iron lung or having
operations performed by a barber surgeon.

Dr. Thomas Starzl, who pioneered liver transplants has died
at age 90. If not for him, there wouldn’t even be a remote possibility of
having such a thing as the classic rock and roll concert circuit.

Chance the Rapper has
donated $1 Million to Chicago public schools. He is sending out a strong
message to the students that the only way they will ever have $1 Million to
donate is if they drop out of school to become a rapper.

The Oakland Raiders have reportedly secured financing from
Bank of America for their proposed new stadium in Las Vegas. Apparently the
Davis family had to turn elsewhere after already having maxed out their team
Discover Card.

The Oakland Raiders have reportedly secured financing from
Bank of America for their proposed new stadium in Las Vegas. They had to look
elsewhere after all the banks in Oakland would only let them borrow $5,000
against the Oakland Coliseum.

The Oakland Raiders have reportedly secured financing from
Bank of America for their proposed new stadium in Las Vegas. The team had to go
to them after all the other loan deals they were offered had a late payment
penalty of two broken legs.

NASCAR is considering making their cars quieter in the
future. Although their fans might not be so eager to embrace the idea of
trading in the sound of a Dodge 358 cubic inch Dodge Hemi for a four cylinder
Prius Hybrid.

NASCAR is considering making their cars quieter in the
future. Apparently their fans are complaining about not being able to hold a
civil conversation in the stands about their recent excursion to see the ballet
performance of “Swan Lake.”

NASCAR is considering making their cars quieter in the
future. The drivers are complaining about not being able to hear any of the
satellite radio easy listening stations on race day.

The NHL’s Las Vegas Golden Knights have signed their first
player in franchise history. Reid Duke says he likes the idea of starting up a
new team, bringing new fans into the sport and having access to the city’s 24
hour dental clinics.

MLB is giving players the option to wear wrist monitors to
track their heart rate and fatigue level. Which their fatigue level is going to
usually max out when they realize they are in the fourth hour of the game and
it’s only the 7th inning stretch.

MLB is giving players the option to wear wrist monitors to
track their heart rate and fatigue level. Ironically, their fatigue level would
drop if they would just wear the tracker instead of carrying around all the
other jewelry they have on their wrists.

Donald Trump’s proposed budget cuts to NOAA have worried
some scientists who think the decision is short sighted and ill informed. Which
brings up the question of why they would think it would be different than any
other government decision?

Facebook is rolling out a warning label it claims is its
solution to fake news. Or they could just tell people they are really dumb
using Facebook as an actual news source.

A NASA spacecraft narrowly missed a collision with the Mars
moon Phobos. The worst part is the craft was supposed to be going to Venus.

A NASA spacecraft narrowly missed a collision with the Mars
moon Phobos. Crashing into a moon in the middle of outer space should take about
the same amount of skill as running your car into the only cactus in the Mojave
Desert.

Scientists say they have found dozens of new species living
in the area of the Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill. They had no idea there were that
many sea creatures that have three eyes.

The Republican repeal plan for Obamacare reportedly contains
more tax cuts for the wealthy. To which the nation’s rich people say the health
care plan is working because they already feel much better.

Donald Trump says President Obama ordered wiretaps on his
phones during the presidential campaign. Although the FBI is denying the
charges, saying how could anything he said on his phone be worse than what he
has put out on Twitter?

The White House is being accused of “plagiarizing” a
statement from an ExxonMobil press release. The Trump Administration says it’s
no big deal and that it has used directives from oil companies before. Mostly
in forming the nation’s energy policy.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Does Donald Trump
really think Barack Obama tapped his phone lines? If Obama wanted to hear what
he was saying on the phone, it would have just been a lot easier to go around
the courts and get the CIA to wiretap the phone line of Vladimir Putin. This is
going to be a long but interesting four years. I think I can make it all the way
through, but it will depend on how often all of you remember to always keep on
sending the love!