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An Open Letter to the Republican Party

Two weeks ago today, you kicked major Democratic ass during the midterm elections. If the Democrats were Antonio Margarito, you guys were definitely Manny Pacquiao. You gained a majority in the House of Representatives, made significant strides in the Senate and, according to Fox News’ fair and balanced coverage, you won victories “on a scale not seen since the end of the New Deal.” Now, I went to public schools so I have no idea what the New Deal is, but it sounds pretty damn impressive nonetheless. And you accomplished this despite the defeat of some of your high-profile kooks candidates like Christine the Non-Masturbating Witch.

Clearly, many Americans were tired of a black man holding our highest office business as usual and they sent their message loud and clear.

I’m not a Republican though I’m still on record as saying I’ll take one for the team and totally bang Michelle Malkin and Sarah Palin, but as readers of this blog know, I like to keep an open mind about things. So although I may have been personally dissatisfied with the overall election results, I was willing to give you guys a chance.

Now, I know real and significant change doesn’t happen overnight. Sometimes it takes days. Sometimes even a week and some days. So I waited patiently for the change that you promised would come. I waited patiently for business as usual to become business as unusual and for business as unusual to become business as usual, but it’s been two whole weeks and…nothing.

I’m sorry, but I’m looking around and nothing has changed. The people I know who were unemployed two weeks ago are still unemployed, my quality of life has not improved one bit, North Korea is still evil and this season’s Saturday Night Live still sucks. I mean did you see the Hu Jintao sketch last Saturday:

Not only is it the exact same sketch they did last year with a different white cast member as the Chinese President, but come on, it’s the 21st Century! Throw us a bone and hire one Asian already. Yeah, I know guys like Fred Armisen and Rob Schneider have Asian blood in them, but I’m talking about someone “visibly” Asian i.e. someone you can yell “go back to China!” to without any passer-byers giving you confused looks. Anyway, getting back to the topic at hand…

So two weeks have passed since the election and we’ve seen zero change. Any reasonable person knows that’s plenty of time for you to bring about real, significant change, but since you’ve done nothing in that more than reasonable amount of time, I can only come to one logical conclusion:

You’re all secretly a bunch of anti-American, anti-Christian, Muslim, Socialist, Communist, terrorist baby-loving, not even born in the United States, I won’t tell even if you ask, deviant homosexual, illegal immigrants who are covertly plotting to destroy America with an anti-American, anti-Christian, Muslim, Socialist, Communist, terrorist baby-loving, not even born in the United States, I won’t tell even if you ask, deviant homosexual, illegal immigrant agenda.

I have to hand it to you though—that was a deviously brilliant plan. Pretend to be loyal and conservative Republicans to get into power and once you do, let your real colors come out. And by the time the rest of us have figured out your nefarious agenda, it’ll be too late. By then, there will be even more mosques built at Ground Zero, Catholic churches built next to playgrounds and schools, mandatory homosexual studies classes preaching tolerance and understanding for all students, illegal immigrants taking even more jobs that no self-respecting American will take themselves…in short, the beginning of the end.

So I’m onto you Republicans i.e. you secretly anti-American, anti-Christian, Muslim, Socialist, Communist, terrorist baby-loving, not even born in the United States, I won’t tell even if you ask, deviant homosexual, illegal immigrants. As Abraham Lincoln, a famous and real Republican and American, once remarked, “you may be able to fool some of the people, but you can’t fool me ‘cause I am Abraham motherfuckin’ Lincoln, bitch! Now, I got some slaves to free so see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya! Peace to your momma! Lincoln out!”