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Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I'm So Sorry!

Whereby I am inconveniently reminded just how public a forum this is... AFTER I failed to consider it and so hurt some feelings...

So when I wrote my tribute to my step dad on Father's Day, it was intended as just that. I wrote it as I understood it, and gave you some of the details that I thought emphasized the point... namely, some history related to his first marriage... well it never crossed my mind that... you know... people I really KNEW would see, and I've really upset a few people... most specifically, a couple of my step-siblings... and I get it... she is their mom.

My step-sister accused me of having an agenda, but it is honestly just the opposite. I forgot how potentially PUBLIC it might be around here. When I write my blog, I am writing to my online friends with whom I have developed a relationship, and who do not and WILL not ever know the real life people in my life, past or present. I want to share the good of my life, but it completely didn't cross my mind my REAL LIFE friends/family might see and take exception.

I really never meant to hurt or harm anyone. I feel very badly about it. I really do sincerely offer my apology.

So it's not a total loss, I thought maybe you all could learn from my big blunder.

KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE

Of COURSE you know the audience you are WRITING for, but who else might see what you have to say? I know from my own decisions that there are stories that need to wait. I have one that has a skeleton in the real life my grandfather led that I know can't be written until a couple people I love who might be hurt are gone.

With fiction, I think just getting things into the right place is protective—you publish with a blurb that discloses enough... in a genre that gives fair warning... I think unless you include real life details that aren't solely yours to share, you are probably okay. Non-fiction doesn't have a lot of place in fiction.

I need to carry that thinking forward into other stuff. I know to be careful HERE to not show it if I'm feeling frustrated with some component of the writing system... and I know not to slam other writers, though I never feel compelled to so that is sort of unnecessary knowledge... but I DID go off on that 'dark YA blogger' last week... (attacking her views, not her, but I said some rude things about people who agreed with her---the term delusional might have been thrown around). I guess I have thus far tried to limit any negative to public figures that can take it... except when I have real life frustrations... and maybe that is what came out here.

The problem is thinking my story is MY story. There are other players, and they bring to it something different-- different background and experience. Their perception of the experience is different and, as I should know from HWMNBMOTI, they carry a different opinion about privacy. My TMI motto is not universally held.

The Other Piece?

When you get called on a big goof... take it. Two of my step-siblings responded negatively—personal slams for what I said... I could respond back personally and negatively—or I could argue—try to 'prove' my point, but that doesn't solve anything. It escalates it. I just need to realize what is right... see the truth of my mistakes through the mean language. Realize they are responding out of being offended. I need to just apologize and go forward.

And I really AM sorry. Especially with my step-sister, with whom I have sometimes had a close relationship—I feel very very badly.

Please accept my humble apologies for not thinking more clearly and for not realizing the effect my words might have.

I write, and speak, my truth, with the knowledge that my family will never, ever agree with me. I don’t back away from it, but I consider what they might someday read, and attack me for. I try to remain civil and kind of vague about them. I expect they’ll try to sue me for mentioning them, even if not by name, if I ever succeed (and make money). I write pure fiction, but they’ll see themselves in every unsavory character.

Oh Tart!! I'm sorry about what's happened. Oh dear. I hope your step siblings will forgive. You did a wonderful tribute to your step dad and I hope they see this as your overall intent.

I'm always very careful about what I blog about especially when it's real life. I fret forever before I post. I think that's why I stick to Charlie - he doesn't mind so long as I give him his treats! :-)

I realize that you changed the wording of your previous post and I did not have the opportunity to read the original. I did however read the venomous comments written by your step siblings.Truly, if someone had a problem with what you posted they should have contacted you directly and not in the comment section of your public blog. If they were bad mouthing you for posting family business they should not have done the same. And they should not have tried to embarrass you or rip you up in front of everyone because they had hurt feelings.They accuse you of poor judgement but don't measure themselves with the same ruler.No matter what was said the fact that you wanted to thank this man for making a wonderful addition to your family was truly the message that came across.

Summertime-I don't make people actual characters (at least not people I know well) but I really didn't want to stir things up--this was completely unintentional, not just a 'consequences be damned' thing.

Jenny-well if Charlie had thumbs, you might be in trouble.

Teresa-thank you!

Heather-I appreciate what you're saying--I think they responded in anger, and that is tempting. In their defense, they aren't used to having to filter. I SHOULD be.

MS-thank you!

Siv-that too many balls isn't insignificant. I often blog tired and my filter doesn't work as well as it should.

The good news is it sounds like your family supports you by reading your blog religiously! I find whenever I get in major disagreements/screaming fights with my family it all stems from the fact that we love each other too much. How can too much love be a bad thing...right? Funny how love can be twisted up and painful sometimes.

Yup. I have almost walked in your shoes -- about to publish something then suddenly realizing: Nooooooooo! But still, I respect your honesty, both before and after the fact. Something to cherish and celebrate, Hart.

If none of your relatives have threatened you with arrest or bodily harm (and yes, I've been there), then your relationship with them can't be too damaged. I hope your friendship with your step sibs heals completely.

Although I'm super careful (too careful?) I've also been surprised by who exactly is reading my blog. For some reason, I tend to believe that no one I know reads it, no one in my town reads it, no one from the town I grew up in reads it...and this is apparently wrong. :) As I've found out several times! I think you're right--better to assume our audience is *everyone*: current and future employers, next door neighbors, mail carrier, our 90 year old children, our great-grands...bleh.

Helena-ACK! Yes... at least not arrested! You are doing a very good job with the diaspora thing... at least it wasn't that! (sorry if that is from a perspective of knowing!)

Elizabeth-thank you! I know you'd never fall into such shenanigans--and I'm not at all surprised you have a local following!

Alex--I know at least one won't accept, but I hope the others will. I've seen a lot of that though, family grudges, and they do suck. Sorry if you've been involved in one!

CaH--Surely wise! I maybe shouldn't have tried so hard to promote with people I know...

Abe-it's the best option, I think. You could REFUSE to, but that just makes you look bad to some. You could ARGUE it--that makes you look bad to MORE, and I suspect rarely gets anywhere... I think I missed your SNAFU--sorry there was one!

I think that we've all got a good foot-in-mouth story, and the grief can physicly hurt. Sorry about your family getting up-in-arms, but I'm impressed to see you acting like a grown-up about it. Even if you do want to streak around like a toddler :)

I wrote something once that offended a friend of mine. When I wrote it, of course I never would have imagined it would hurt her. In fact, I thought she'd like it. It's a tough one. All I could do was apologize.

It does seem like you frequently write about "real life" people, whether it be family or people you work with. Unfortunate when you do put your foot in your mouth--it's happened more than you seem to realize.

Oh, that is too bad, Tartlette. I must admit that I had a bit of a lurch but then I like how brave and out there you are in your blog and try to emulate that to some degree. I had to be very careful when my dad was alive because he always read my blog and didn't get the ironic tone sometimes. He wouldn't get mad - just mystified or scared that I was sad, broke, fricked up, etc... But now he's gone and I think I'll truly write anything I like without wanting to hurt people. I don't feel like holding back much. I wrote about my Dad's alcoholism on Daddio Day and no one has said boo. Who knows. It is clear you are truly sorry. Love ya kid...

The Naked Tart

I write books from my bathtub and blog in my basement. For a full bio on the 3 faces of me, check out the tab. As for the shenanigans around here... Confessions of a Watery Tart is my primary blog. It has lots on writing, some life... mostly I just want to encourage you to play with me. Silliness abounds. I also have a Song of Ice and Fire Blog because frankly I'm obsessed and have tons of theories and ideas, so I decided to give myself a place to channel those besides brief facebook comments.
Facebook: Hart Johnson
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