Full time: Atletico Madrid 0-2 Real Madrid

Xabi Alonso, who has taken more punishment than Gabriel Byrne in Miller’s Crossing tonight, is sent flying one last time by Rodriguez. Moments later, the final whistle goes. Routine fare for Real, who will play Barcelona or Real Sociedad in the final. Thanks for your company; night!

9.47pm GMT

90 min There will be one minute of added time.

9.43pm GMT

87 min Madrid play the Spanish equivalent of olé football for a minute or two before a narked Turan puts Varane up in the air.

9.41pm GMT

85 min Insua scuffs a despicable shot wide of goal from 20 yards.

9.41pm GMT

84 min Sosa flips a pass up in the air towards Koke, receives a headed return pass and spanks a heatseeking half-volley across goal from 20 yards that Casillas does very well to push behind for a corner. That was a wonderful strike.

75 min Rodriguez’s shot is deflected wide for an Atletico corner, from which Suarez plants a simple headed chance wide of the near post from eight yards. He should have scored. Moments later, Ronaldo leaves the field to warm cheers from all four sides of the ground; he’s replaced by Jese. Who you tryin’ to get crazy with, Jese, etc and so forth.

73 min Casemiro’s angled cross from the right is pulled down expertly by Ronaldo, beyond the far post, and as the ball bounces up he improvises a flicked shot from three yards that hits the keeper Aranzububia on the shoulder.

Updated at 9.33pm GMT

9.28pm GMT

70 min Nothing much is happening. Atletico are simmering – and playing with admirable endeavour given the circumstances – so don’t rule out some aggravation in the last 20 minutes.

9.26pm GMT

68 min “Rob,” says Peter McLeod. “What with the match kind of in the doldrums (possible outbreaks of mass disgruntlement on the pitch notwithstanding), this seems a good time to ask: given that you’re a lover and enthusiastic quoter of such transcendent cultural gems as The Office, Grosse Pointe Blank and Twin Peaks, you seem to be the most-qualified person around to tell me: what should I watch or read or experience next? NB there are bonus points for answering “imagine a cross between Telly Addicts and Noel’s House Party...”

You’ve imagined Willy Nilly, a dating show devised and hosted by Rob Smyth. Well, now I’m of advancing years I don’t really know about these things. True Detective looks pretty dope, mind; it starts in a couple of weeks on Sky Atlantic. If you haven’t seen it I’d also recommend Oz, an almost insufferably jaunty HBO prison show from the late 1990s.

61 min Bad news for fight fans: Garcia has been replaced by Arda Turan. It’s probably a good move, as he was risking a red card at some stage.

Updated at 9.18pm GMT

9.17pm GMT

60 min Atletico win a foul. Alonso wanders over towards the ball. Garcia motions to kick the ball and follows through, lightly scraping his studs up the side of Alonso’s leg. Alonso hobbles away from the ball and Garcia has the brass neck to motion that Alonso should be booked for not retreating 10 yards! Garcia’s noggin has gone. Actually, it went after about two minutes. The weirdest thing is that he only really wanted to pick a fight with Alonso; goodness knows why.

Updated at 9.19pm GMT

9.15pm GMT

58 min Gareth Bale has been quiet tonight, almost anonymous in truth, although he did win the second penalty.

9.12pm GMT

55 min Real are having plenty of the ball. Atletico have no choice but to take their medicine, and they are not taking it too well.

9.10pm GMT

53 min Isco, eight yards out, pulls down Arbeloa’s highish cross superbly with a telescopic right leg, but then he tries to get too cute instead of shooting and is bumped off the ball by Miranda.

Updated at 9.11pm GMT

9.09pm GMT

52 min The game has calmed down a little. Garcia has even stopped looking for trouble, although it feels like a temporary peace.

Updated at 9.10pm GMT

9.07pm GMT

51 min “In Germany it’s the opposite,” says John T. “The guy who gets fouled does NOT take the penalty. I remember watching a game a few years ago involving Bayern and an argument occurring on the field after the player who was fouled (a non-German, I think – Robben? Sounds like something he would do) lined up to take the penalty. Shoving amongst teammates and all that. A quick Internets search reveals an actual paper on the subject.”

Updated at 9.08pm GMT

9.06pm GMT

49 min Ronaldo goes on a storming run down the left and is jeered all the way. He’s receiving some impassioned abuse from some hairy fool in the crowd; it’s hilarious.

9.03pm GMT

46 min We’re off again. There have been three half-time substitutions, one for Real, two to Atletico. Real have brought on Nacho for Ramos (who was on a yellow card). Atletico have replaced the presumably injured Manquillo with Juanfran, while Adrian is on for Diego.

Updated at 9.07pm GMT

8.57pm GMT

Detective Ian Copestake asks the big questions

“Is that Comic Sans that Real Madrid use for the players’ names on their shirts? I know the best teams are meant to be easily imagined as a set of cartoon characters but this seems a little presumptuous.”

Updated at 8.58pm GMT

8.52pm GMT

What's the Spanish for nawty?

Ronaldo was hit flush on the head by a lighter as he left the field. The polis are involved. That’s all we know. He was being treated but is in the dressing-room now.

Updated at 8.53pm GMT

8.51pm GMT

“The Arsenal penalty thing,” says Kergguz. “It was Bergkamp – he had a superstition that he wouldn’t take the penalty if he’d drawn the foul. Pretty sure it stemmed from his miss in the 1999 Fa Cup semi-final vs United. The superstition then permeated through the team and it became an ‘Arsenal’ thing for a while.”

It definitely wasn’t that game – that was Parlour who was fouled – though you well be right that it was him wot started it.

8.48pm GMT

Half time: Atletico 0-2 Real

Ronaldo checks on the health of Manquillo as they leave the field. There was nothing wrong with his challenge. They both went up for the ball; Ronaldo got there first and Manquillo bounced off him. At the same time as Ronaldo checks on Manquillo, Garcia yet again tries to pick a fight with Alonso. This is hilarious and a little bizarre. Did Alonso steal Garcia’s newly purchased operating system or something?

Updated at 8.50pm GMT

8.46pm GMT

45 min Manquillo is on his feet now. While we wait, there’s a replay of Raul Garcia shoving Alonso’s head off the ball. Garcia has been trying to wind up the Madrid players, particularly Alonso, all game. It’s unbecoming, indefensible, unpleasant - and very, very funny.

8.45pm GMT

44 min Now Ronaldo is booked. He jumped for the ball with Manquillo, who then feel sickeningly on his head. I’m not sure Ronaldo didn’t much wrong, if anything, but there’s concern for Manquillo.

8.43pm GMT

42 min Manquillo, Atletico’s confident teenage right-back, makes good progress on the right and is hacked down absurdly by Arbeloa, who then has the brass neck to dispute his yellow card. That was a computer-game foul from Arbeloa.

Updated at 8.58pm GMT

8.40pm GMT

41 min After a scramble in the box, Ronaldo can’t get on top of a bouncing ball and slices it well wide of the far post from 10 yards. He’s pretty annoyed, punching the air in frustration.

8.40pm GMT

40 min Suarez is penalised for scissoring Ronaldo. The crowd jeer. Diego Simeone hasn’t just created a team of bastards – he’s created a whole crowd of them. It’s all rather impressive.

8.38pm GMT

38 min Atletico are having their best spell, although these things are relative. Rodriguez, found on the left of the box, thrashes an ambitious shot over the bar from a narrow angle. There were, it is probably fair to suggest, better options available to him.

Updated at 8.41pm GMT

8.37pm GMT

37 min “I think it was an Arsenal thing, rather than a Thierry Henry thing (re: 25 min),” says Matt Dony. “The guy who won the penalty didn’t take it. I’m not too sure on the reasoning, but no doubt it involved some kind of sanctimonious high ground. Man, I dislike Wenger.”

Thank goodness that team existed before football hipsters were born. Can you imagine.

Updated at 8.39pm GMT

8.36pm GMT

36 min Illarramendi is booked for a cynical pull on Suarez. There’s going to be a red card in this game.

Updated at 8.36pm GMT

8.35pm GMT

35 min Sosa plays a fine clipped pass over the top from the right towards Garcia. Varane comes across to hoof the bouncing ball and clatter Garcia in the same movement.

Updated at 8.35pm GMT

8.32pm GMT

32 min Sosa’s excellent run down the right ends with a cross towards the offside Rodriguez at the far post. He falls over after a challenge from Carvajal, prompting a few shouts for a penalty, but the flag had already gone up.

8.28pm GMT

29 min Koke splatters a bouncing ball high over the bar from 25 yards.

8.28pm GMT

27 min Real play keepball for around 90 seconds, prompting whistles of impotent rage from the home fans.

8.26pm GMT

25 min “Wouldn’t Bale normally be expected to take the penalty since he drew the foul?” asks Mark Wainwright.

No. Generally the man you regard as your best penalty taker takes the penalties, unless you are England at Italia 90. Or Thierry Henry: didn’t he have a thing for a while where he didn’t like to take the penalties if he was the man who had been fouled?

Updated at 8.26pm GMT

8.22pm GMT

23 min “Oh well, dead rubbers are conducive to MBM gold, no?” says Phil Podolsky. “Sadly, I have nothing to say. True to the metier of an internet journalist, I do, however, have a gif of a kitten.”

Updated at 8.23pm GMT

8.21pm GMT

22 min There’s a mood around the ground, and it’s not a mood of innocence. Atletico are not going to go quietly, are they.

Updated at 8.24pm GMT

8.21pm GMT

21 min “Won’t you say that there are parallels between Atletico and Liverpool’s campaigns this season?” says Priyansh. “(Maybe, I’m trying a little too hard). But both sides suffer from a lack of depth in personnel and yet, have surprised everyone. It seems the rails may finally come off Atletico’s season now. Liverpool, though, are holding on well enough. Perhaps, participation in an European competition is causing the divergence.”

That has certainly been a huge help for Liverpool, as excellent as they have been.

Updated at 8.23pm GMT

8.20pm GMT

20 min Raul Garcia is down holding his face after some business with Ramos. I’m not sure Ramos did anything. Garcia has been looking for trouble; a couple of minutes ago he tried to engage Xabi Alonso in some off-the-ball liveliness.

Updated at 8.20pm GMT

8.18pm GMT

19 min Simeone out!

8.16pm GMT

GOAL! Atletico 0-2 Real (Ronaldo 16 pen)

Another excellent penalty from Ronaldo. He went to the same side, the keeper’s right. This was slightly slower – these things are relative – but even more precise, driven all along the floor and into the side netting. Real Madrid lead 5-0 on aggregate

Updated at 8.16pm GMT

8.15pm GMT

ANOTHER PENALTY TO REAL

And it’s another clear penalty. Bale plays the ball down the line to Isco, who returns it with a fine backheel. Bale pushes the ball into the area and is brought down by a stunningly ill-conceived sliding tackle from Insua. It was right on the line of the area but I’m pretty sure it was inside.

Updated at 8.17pm GMT

8.14pm GMT

14 min Incidentally, please press F5 occasionally, especially if you want full goal descriptions, as our auto-refresh is not working properly.

8.12pm GMT

Atletico hit the post!

12 min A loose ball breaks to Raul Garcia in the D, and he whips a wonderful shot off the inside of the right post with the diving Casillas barely in the same postal district.

Updated at 8.13pm GMT

8.11pm GMT

11 min Ronaldo, leaping above Manquillo, can’t quite get enough on a far-post header that drifts a few yards wide. He may feel he should have scored, although he was stretching a bit.

Updated at 8.12pm GMT

8.09pm GMT

10 min What do Atletico do now? They have hardly touched the ball. This tie is over, yet the game feels alive for the reasons we mentioned before. There is a concern that, if they lose tonight and certainly if they are thrashed, their wonderful season could start to unravel.

Updated at 8.10pm GMT

8.08pm GMT

GOAL! Atletico 0-1 Real (Ronaldo 7 pen)

Ronaldo booms a vicious penalty into the bottom-left corner. He didn’t even bother to hide which side he was going, so unstoppable did he plan the penalty to be. Real lead by four, and have the away goal too, so Atletico need five. It’s not going to happen, and therefore I might as well head home. Thanks for your emails; night.

Updated at 8.11pm GMT

8.06pm GMT

PENALTY TO REAL MADRID

Well there goes the miracle. Ronaldo scoots into the box in an inside-left position and is tripped by a clumsy and inept challenge from behind by Manquillo. A clear penalty, even if the home crowd don’t entirely concur with such a perception.

Updated at 8.08pm GMT

8.05pm GMT

5 min It’s all Real just now, although they are playing exclusively in front of Atletico.

Updated at 8.08pm GMT

8.04pm GMT

4 min Alonso’s inswinging free-kick from a narrow position on the right is met by the head of Bale, 15 yards out, and his flick across goal drifts not far wide of the far post.

8.02pm GMT

2 min Atletico have only three of their best side playing. Real have started in the manner of the home side, keeping the ball at the back.

Preamble

Good evening. El Derbi madrileño – or the Madrid derby, as normal British people call it – had such a powerful kiss of life in May that even this apparently dead rubber is full of oxygen. Atletico are 3-0 down and without a number of key players, yet their pre-match rhetoric has been as stirring and convincing as it’s possible to be in face of almost certain defeat. There is a powerful sense that, even if they can’t win this semi-final, they will go down about as quietly as Tony Montana.The Madrid derby became a relative formality between 1999 and 2013, when Real went 26 games without defeat, but Atletico’s victory at the Bernabeu in the Copa del Rey final in May – when both Cristiano Ronaldo and Jose Mourinho were sent off – has catalysed what might become a golden age of the Madrid derby.

Atletico won at the Bernabeu in the league in September, and were beaten in an admirably nasty first leg on the same ground last week. “We’re going to fight till our last breath to try and turn that result around,” said the Atletico president Enrique Cerezo. Given that his side is managed by Diego Simeone, he might not be using artistic licence there.Even if Atletico go out, as is highly likely, they could do with a victory and/or a rousing performance to arrest the slide that continued with this weekend’s surprise defeat to Almeria. These days in elite European football two defeats in a row is a drama, three a crisis. Yet Atletico still have a great chance of pulling off what would be, in the context of football’s increasing, reprehensible inequality, one of the great title victories of modern times.