: Hi, do you guys have weed? : Umm, excuse me? : You know, do you sell the weed? : What...are you trying to buy from me? : The video game syst— : OH, the Nintendo Wii, no ma'am it's very hard to find and unfortunately we don't have it now.

Oh yeah, I used to hate this one. Cashback limit where I used to work was £50. Some people needed more, especially when the ATM outside the shop stopped working (and it frequently did).

Now there are three kinds of extra cashback customer. One is the type that needs extra and asks politely, and if I can justify losing a couple of tens from my till I'll say "Well, OK. If you buy something for £1 like a scratchcard I'll do you the extra."

Then there's the guy who needs extra and acts as if it's a major inconvenience that we don't do as much as he wants. I hate that guy so he gets nothing. Then he'll say "Well, if I queue up again I can just get £20 more, right?" and I'll say I'm not allowed to do that just to jerk him around a little more because I don't like him.

Then there's the guy who swears at me when I tell him the limit, gets his cash and then storms off to the back of the line to queue up again to get his precious £100. I will wait for him to get to the front of the line and ask cashback again before telling him he can't have any.

Being a jerk to other jerks makes 8 hours fly by.

I like jerking around people who share credit cards. Yeah everyone DOES it, but most aren't fucking STUPID enough to hand it to the cashier now the good ol' CHIP and PIN age has appeared. It is _technically_ fraud, as it isn't their card. But I have to refuse it if I know, to cover my ass, but I need all the jollies I can get. Most people just shrug it off and I politely hand the card back. (Which I shouldn't be doing anyway!) But of course...

'WHY CAN'T I USE THAT! RAWR! I USE IT ALL THE TIME!' 'I'm sorry madam / sir but you can't use it. It's technically card fraud as it's not your card!' 'WHERE'S YOUR MANAGER!' 'Okay. *Plod off* *Chat to boss* *Plod back* Sorry. They've told me to keep the card. Your whatever relation will have to come back in with ID to reclaim it.'

Then comes the dumb part that usually comes up if they haven't already gone.

'What if I call the police? HUH HUH!?' 'Okay. You will be admitting card fraud to them, but feel free.'

Back when I was a goofy teenager, I worked slave labor in a university dining hall. It was rough but steady work, and the only job where I had to punch in an out using an actual punch card. There were a few basic duties for the non- union kiddies like myself - serving the food, working register (scanning IDs of University students/personnel, taking cash from others), or the absolute worst, DISHROOM. Anyone who's worked for a dining hall can attest to how a dishroom is like a punishment reserved for the worst sinners in hell. Everything that students handed in were filthy, often deliberately made more messy than it needed to be (something I did myself later as a college student ). Worse, the trays and plates and what not just KEEP COMING, and you have to rinse and sort all this crap into a giant smelly dishwasher lickity-split, making it a giant nasty pasta-sauce smeared game of tetris on level 9.

Wow, major derail. Anyway, I was working register one day when a young lady in line hands me hard card, and as I look down to the scanner, I notice that her feet are as naked as the day they were born. Granted I was just a non-union punk, but I had seen enough signs posted on the doors of various McDonalds in my time to know that shoelessness was a food no-no.

Sudonim: Ah, m'am? I don't think you can go into the serving and dining areas without shoes on. Dumb Coed: Why do I need shoes? I didn't want to wear shoes today, it's hot out (she was wearing a sweat shirt and full-leg jeans). S: Well, don't you have anything with you? Some sandals or flip-flops in your backpack, maybe? DC: No, I told you, it was too hot to wear shoes today, let me get some food! S: Sorry, I'm pretty sure you need footwear, m'am. DC: My shoes are ALL the way across campus. Are you SURE you can't just let me in!? S: *Sigh* Let me just go get my manager.

I guess I can understand not being totally aware of the rule of "no shoes no service," but how the hell was this girl walking all over town barefoot? It's a pretty big campus, and she didn't seem to have hobbit feet or anything. You know how dogs don't sweat, so they have to open their mouths and pant? Maybe her feet served some of similar purpose for her, I don't know.

I was a retarded customer the other day; not with a question, but with a simple statement.

The pizza guy delivers our pizza. I go out and pay him, take the pizza, and he says, "Enjoy your pizza!"

My reply? "You too!"

He stopped for a second and started laughing, and I joined him a second later. He said he gets that all the time, which helped decrease my embarrassment slightly.

More Blockbuster geniuses....

Woman: I saw you had a Godfather box set. Do you have any other Al Pacino box sets? Like Scarface?

YesBoyIceCream: Well, we do carry Scarface but we don't have any collection sets of Al Pacino's movies.

Woman: Well, do you have any Scarface box sets?

YesBoyIceCream: Um, there was only one Scarface movie.

A little bit later the same woman comes up to me with Godfather 1, 2, and 3 in her hands. It clearly states on all of them which movie it is.

Woman: Why do all these copies of the Godfather have different covers?

Traci Lords goes on a journey of vengeance and squibs while making the same stupid face constantly.

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.