While I am aware of your heroic ‘services’ to the men of the village, I see that your prime interest is in the ‘care’ you wish to supply to a wealthy one. Perhaps, if you did not spend your day playing with ducats, counting them and otherwise exchanging them for other forms of commerce, the Castle’s potential customers would be better served.

Your constant harangues against Miss Lottabodi are beneath contempt. She has done nothing to you except to advance the business of which you wish to be a part. I have investigated her ‘equipment’ and found it blemish free. Your spies must be talking about one of the dwarfs. Or a sheep.

Finally, if your desire is to covet this ‘Hopeful’ person, and, in your words, “taking time out from my busy day to treat our guest to the exemplary entertainment he has come to expect”, then I welcome your involvement. To that end, I will arrange an audience composed of some members of the Castle’s staff, Captain Sword, a few of his men, one or two dwarfs and me. We will watch the ‘exemplary entertainment’ you wish to provide, and, if necessary, critique it. Your words, actions and positions will be judged. I suspect it will end, once and for all time, the immodest boasting you seem to enjoy. When and if ‘Hopeful’ is pleased, and we are pleased, if Captain Sword is pleased. the dwarfs arrive, then you can become a member of the staff.

First, you suggest that my employees are, shall we say, less than appropriate. Then you request additional individuals which is beyond my initial very generous offer to you. Third, you insist, rudely, on a schedule that may or may not be possible. You have shown great ingratitude.

The cost of the additional wenches (you never specified Maidens, MILFs or GILFs) is probably beyond your means, even though the wench Julie has claimed that you have many ducats.

It will not be possible, therefore, to provide you with the entertainment you desire. I suggest you seek pleasure elsewhere. Perhaps in one of the lesser establishments that dot the countryside; something called a 'trailer park'.

I shall let you know, I am a customer and the customer is ALWAYS RIGHT!!! I am shocked how you run/manage your establishment.

Miss Wench, you really need to tame Drangon if you EVER want to make a living! You must starve working under him!!! I think I just may have an offer that you will not refuse! Shall we talk more in private?

Good day to you Dragon, Miss Wench looking forward to hearing from you in a timely fashion!

It seems we are at an impasse. I am greatly saddened by your attitude of contempt for me. My only wish was for us to have a thriving enterprise, one we could work side by side and share in the wealth. I was eager to start impliementing some of my ideas, with your permission of course, but you have likened me to that of a circus performer. One in which I perform stunts and will be graded on my suitability to work at the castle. Will you be holding up cards with numbers, Dragon, as I attempt the splits? Or perhaps a hook will appear to drag me off the stage if I fail in somersaulting. I surely hope there will be peanuts and popcorn available to the spectators, they can then show their displeasure at my performance by pelting me. Although I can't see that as ever happening, with a 98% approval rating, courtesy of Edmunds.

Your insistence at allowing Miss Lottaknuckles to remain in your employment has perplexed me. Several times she has visited with Captain Sword, and I am quite sure, is enlisting him in her devious plan to go off on her own and open a competing castle. One that will rival yours Dragon. One that will reduce your castle to a tawdry, gaudy, cheap shell of a building, where only the lowest of the low would be willing to frequent. Where cans and bottles will be used in exchange for services. Perhaps a chicken traded for a night of pleasure. Food stamps for a choice on the Dessert Menu.

Is this what you wish for yourself Dragon, to be reduced to a pauper? And all because you are blindsighted by Miss Lottanostrils oral skills. Which I am told are questionable at best. It has been whispered that she substitutes one of her FP friends when the guest has been intoxicated. Haven't you wondered Darling Dragon, why Miss Lottaheels seems so eager to refill your wine goblet? Nor noticed the roughness of 'her' face, the baritone giggles, as you lay drunk in the dark?

It was you who directed that fine wealthy gentleman, Mr Hopeful, to a countryside trailer park for his entertainment needs.

Your slightly less insolent letter has reached me. The tone contains, once again, some sarcasm, but shrouded in meringue so as to deceive. I do, however, wonder about the ‘roughness’ remark. I have had strange ‘rashes’ on my body after a night with her.

No matter. There has been a major turn of events.

The King once again has need of my services in a distant place. I have been called to lead a force of men to ‘bargain’ with those that currently reside there. It seems that a traveling band of ‘Gypsies’ has taken over and forced everyone to listen to cimbalom music, to eat strange food, to have their fortunes told for exorbitant fees, to get their pockets picked, to have their chickens stolen, to dance endlessly and to sit around campfires listening to stories. These activities are demeaning, disruptive, cause delerium, and must be deleted.

The real townspeople have sent word of this to the King. I have been told to do whatever it takes to remove these ‘interlopers'.

Captain Sword and Colonel Pike and I leave with a large force with cannon in less than a fortnight.

I am now forced to utilize your ‘skills’ to safeguard my business. In this I have no choice.

You are now the co-leader of the Castle and must hasten to it immediately. Miss Lottabodi and you will run things until my return. You will have the assistance of the dwarves, some of the FP, and Major Bruce, who will be staying behind some of his men.

This is the plan. You will write daily as to the activities, the amount of ducats deposited in the excavation known as the ‘money pit’. Any changes must be approved by me before implementation. You are to proceed carefully as there is much at stake.

When I return, I will evaluate the condition of the business, and if satisfactory will consider you a full partner. Miss Lottabodi will then kneel before both of us.

You must respond immediately as time is fleeting. If you do not agree, I must make other plans.

It is with mixed emotions I accept your offer to oversee the castle in your absence. My intentions were for the business to be a joint venture, between you and I, not Miss Lottabelly and myself. Although it has become exceedly difficult, I resolve to be civil to that wretched woman while you are away. I promise to smile, if somewhat weakly, when she is entertaining the thieves, she referrs to as her johns. The rates she charges we would soon be in the poor house if not for me. Of course not much revenue can be expected from someone with so few skills as she. Or should I say skill? A one trick pony, and a lame one at that.

Because I have extensive experience in financial affairs, counting thousands of ducats and keeping records, I assure you, you will be more than pleased when you return. Our enterprise will thrive in your absence my strong fearless Dragon!

I am longing to have one more night of unbridled passion before you depart, my virile warrior. Sounds of me crying out your name in ecstasy will reverberate throughout the castle. The doubters will be assured of our great love for each other. For those who do not wish to be included in our joyful sounds, earplugs will be dispensed beforehand. Perhaps Miss Lottanerve would be so kind.

As to Miss Lottabodi, I have instructed her carefully so as to be sure she offers the utmost assistance to you and that your partnership is harmonious. Your assurance of the safeguarding of the ducats is also well received.

There are, now, some instructions I must impart to you that you will need to ensure proper oversight.

The Dwarfs must be watched. They are mischievous and must be kept on the Castle grounds. Fernando is the most adolescent. He once stole into town and ran around lifting women’s skirts. Another time he took an accomplice and while that one distracted a woman, he went under her clothes. Strangely, she didn’t complain for an hour.

They like to use the catapult to throw themselves onto those that pass by the outer walls of the Castle. Some of the FP wait outside expressly for this purpose.

There are some MILFs and GILFs that, unlikely as it is, prefer on their days off to have Roger, another Dwarf, attend them. That would be acceptable except they are then out of the queue for two or three days after. I am not sure why this is.

The BBWs are attracting more visitors. We must have a system to monitor customer’s visits to each of the ‘specialty women’. This will tell us who and what is popular. We must also make another attempt at finding an amputee or two. Calls for their attendance continue. It does not matter as to the missing limb(s).

Fresh sheep should be brought in.

I have started dinners with Maidens as the plat-du-jour. The men eat fruit from their bodies and drink wine from their stomachs. This has proven quite popular. Try adding MILFs during dessert.

The catapult must be oiled regularly. Some have not cleared the wall and have loosened and discolored the bricks.

The Dwarfs must be kept from using their hands during bonfires in the courtyard to make scary witch images on the walls. It frightens the townspeople.

Major Bruce, the leader of the FPs, wants to offer some of his men for the men. Miss Lottabodi, likewise wants to offer women for women. Discuss.

Rumors have been heard in town regarding the business. I have considered an ‘open house’ for the townspeople to show them exactly what goes on inside the Castle. To this end, the women must be knitting, milking goats (use the BBWs), digging, planting, cleaning and singing. The Dwarfs must be invisible. The catapult displayed as a planter. Have the FP design bunting. All must be seen as normal human intercourse. Without the sex.

I look forward to seeing you again and to having our passion rekindled, my ardor buffed, and your femininity devoured. The images I harbor are most delicious. Perhaps Miss Lottabodi could attend. Forget that.

The evening will begin with a repast created by Raoul that will delight your senses and stimulate your most sensitive parts. Afterward, we will walk through the gardens and talk of our most exciting fantasies. Excluding the Dwarfs. We will then enter the bedroom and…

Please advise me as I requested regarding the daily operations, The suggestions above are to be followed precisely.

And oil the catapult.

I must now leave to see about those wretched Gypsies. I hate dulcimer music!

Unfortunately, they must have known we were coming as they are not readily in attendance. And they wear so much jewelry that on a bright day, when the sun reflects on them, they cannot be seen from the glare. At night, their dark skin almost makes them invisible.

One way to locate them is through the garlic smell they emit. And they hum their native melodies, so if one is quiet, sometimes we can catch them with nets. And lock them up.

I fear this will be a long vigil.

Have you taken control of the castle? How is Miss Lottabodi? And her…Never mind. Are the dwarfs being contained? Have we amassed many ducats? And the MILFs? And Miss Lottabodi? Sorry, I forgot.

Please send word of your activities and the status of the dessert option I suggested.

If you have forgotten to oil the catapult the screams will remind you.

I am sorry to hear of your woes my strong warrior, gypsies sound very strange indeed! Perhaps a few of the more colorful ones could be brought back to the castle to be employed. A few of our more eccentric clientele have strange requests that I am not quite sure we can satisfy. Possibly these gypsy creatures could accomidate them. If not they could be put to work in the kitchen. Mother is being overworked with the increasing demands for meals.

Which brings me to my good news to you my darling! Recognizing that the men were ravenous after their strenuous activities, I took the initiative and opened a small cafe within the castle. No need for the men to leave here hungry with ducats in their pockets to be spent elsewhere for food. The menu so far has consisted of small animals and when available, the occasional sheep. One suffered a heart attack after a particularly exuberant john paid a visit. This gentleman has been warned to use restraint in his future endeavors. We can not afford to lose our sheep everytime he unveils his branding irons and probes. Miss Lottatattoos has been substituting until a new sheep can be brought in. I must say with admiration, she has been quite the trooper! On her hands and knees all day hasn't been easy, especially in that dirty stable. I did give her time off for her wounds to heal. The Veterinarian suggested one week would be sufficient but being of good heart I told her 10 days would be fine with me. I certainly hope a new sheep can be acquired by then. I would hate for Miss Lottapains wounds to reopen. I will do my best to reassure her I will not let this happen again. I will demand the dwarfs pad the stall with extra hay, this time making sure to remove any small stones and glass. And from now on only two gentlemen visitors per day. No more parties of five. At least not in the same day. Scheduling stable visits is not my forte sweet Dragon, and I foolishly delegated it to one of the dwarfs. He is such a mischevous little fellow, how was I to know he and Miss Lottascreams have had a longstanding feud! This has certainly been an eye-openng experience for me. And Miss Lottascars.

In my next letter to you my fearless soldier, I shall give an accounting of the many ducats we have amassed since your absence. The new ideas I have been impliementing have been a great success! Except for that one minor fiasco all has been well. Now I really must go oil the catapult, the sounds emitting from that wretched woman have been deafening!