Black Friday. No discounts on soccer players. Take Chelsea's Fernando Torres, the sulking Spaniard. Purchased by the London club from Liverpool for about $80 million in January 2011. The return on the investment is a meager 11 goals in 58 Premier League matches. Imagine Chelsea's owner, Russian oil baron Roman Abramovich, rustling through his pocket for the receipt. Is there a refund? All Sales Final.

Poor old Roman, thinking he was sold a bill of goods. And he has to pay the guy's salary of $300,000 a week! How many barrels of oil is this guy going to cost him? Some say it could be $100 million when all is said and done. And how is the team playing? Terrible.

So, what to do? Check the terms of the receipt attached to the team coach. Blame him for the player's woes. He can be returned to the unemployment shelf anytime. Duly done. Chelsea parted ways with coach Roberto Di Matteoon Wednesday, a mere six months after he led the Blues to the Champions League title.

As for Torres, perhaps Rafael Benitez - Di Matteo's replacement, who coached Torres at Liverpool with excellent results - will give him another chance to break out of his melancholy and live up to the label he arrived at Chelsea with: good for scoring 20 goals a season. Expect the sign in the January sales window to read, "Reduced To Clear - One Spanish Soccer Player," should he fail to stick the ball into the net.

Rap it: No surprise then that hip-hop magnate Snoop Dogg has tendered interest in buying shares in Scottish club, Glasgow Celtic, recent conquerors of Barcelona in the Champions League. Snoop came to soccer through his thumbs, playing FIFA 13 on his video game console. But his love of the underdog has piqued his interest in the famous green and white hoops of Celtic, the team's colors.

Should the rapper snare a seat on the Celtic Board, he promises the parties in his private box will be affairs to remember. And he claims he can persuade his Los Angeles party pal David Beckham to move from the Southern California beaches of Venice to the dark-rusted trope of Glasgow.

Bye bye Becks: Speaking of which, brand Beckham has announced his last game for Los Angeles will be the MLS Cup Final on Dec. 1. The Galaxy play Houston Dynamo.

Beckham's constant shower of media attention has splashed merrily on MLS. Mark a large return for the league on his iconic pull. Stadiums filled to capacity when the man ran on the field. Couple this to the league sprouting to 19 teams and expanding in these tough economic times.

Finding another good with such power is unlikely.

TV pick

Premier League

8 a.m. Sunday: Chelsea vs. Manchester City

Alan Black is an author and journalist. Read his blog at blog.sfgate.com/soccer.