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Thirty Days Later…..

Note: As bloggers we sometimes hide behind masks but as this is a very sensitive subject, I decided to include a picture of me though not recent I wanted to put a face to this taboo subject of Christians being angry at God.

Thirty days later, I am still angry. I am actually angrier now than I was thirty days ago. I was angry at God. I am still angry at God. It is the most difficult thing that I have ever experienced. It’s difficult because I never saw myself as being one capable of being angry at God especially for this long but as I have found out recently, the older we become the more experiences we will have and not all of them will be good or happy ones. I lost my brother thirty days ago; it is the hardest, most gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, sorrowful and painful experience that I have ever had in my entire life and I have went through various emotions from guilt, anger, sorrow and anger again.

As Christians we have endless people quoting scriptures to us about how to deal with tragedies, grief and sorrow. We are told that “ God will not give us more than we can handle”, or that “God knows what’s best” or even that “everything happens for a reason”, none of those scriptures give me any sense of comfort. I still feel frustrated because I feel as if this shouldn’t happen and I’m going to be honest and say that it shouldn’t happen to me. Tragedies happen to other people and I say “I’m sorry” or send a card and then I move on, however, this is me dealing with this. It is me who is experiencing the hurt, the pain, the sorrow, the heart break. It is me who is experiencing a loss. It is me who cry to myself when no one is around. I cry in the shower. I cry in my before going to sleep and I cry right after I wake up. This is all strange to me and some part of me think that it’s all God’s fault.

I was one of those Christians who told others not to question God. To trust God continually and now I am the one questioning God, I am the one asking “why me?”, I am the one wondering “where were you God?”. This is me wondering who popped my bubble. It’s frustrating and it’s even more frustrating when no one seem to have the answers at least not the answers I want.

As I go through my anger with God I’m thankful that I at least have the relationship with Him to know that despite it all He still loves me. It comforts me to know that I have a close relationship with God enough to be angry at Him, to be able to place the blame on Him. Remember when Lazarus died? He was really close to Jesus and so were his sisters and do you know who they blamed for Lazarus dying? That’s right, they blamed Jesus. They felt that if Jesus was there their brother would not have died and that’s exactly how I feel.

I know that it will take time to get over this and it may take a really long time and it may be really difficult but at least I know that God will always be there and that He is willing to take the blame for me.