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I’m pretty sure my coworker just witnessed me in the office kitchen saying “Hello, honey bears!” to the cute, plastic, honey-filled faces that looked up at me from the Fresh Direct delivery box. I was just welcoming them into the kitchen supply cabinet… and then realized there was a decidedly human presence behind me as my coworker (How long was he there? Why didn’t I hear him walk in? Is he a ninja? Did it have to be the hot coworker?) filled up his water bottle at the Poland Spring dispenser. I continued to put groceries away. He got his water and left. And I will always wonder if he heard me welcoming our new, sweet friends.

No one is paying as much attention to you as you are, so give yourself a break.

Your first day of work is just another day to everybody else there.

Your cat will always puke in the worst possible place. Like your printer.

If you talk badly about someone, they’ll show up behind you. However if you talk nicely about someone (say, Leonardo DiCaprio), they most likely will not show up behind you. Ever. Or in front of you or under you or on top of you. Unfortunately.

Keep date books and look at them regularly to see what you were doing this date a year or two or ten ago. Actual, leather-bound, write in pen on that thing called paper, date books.

When all else fails, force yourself to smile. It will create endorphins that will actually make you feel happier. If it doesn’t work, at least people on the subway will wonder what the hell you’re so happy about.

Pick crazy paint colors. They’re just walls, and they’ll make you happy. This goes especially for those who live alone, because when else in your life can you have neon green “Envy’s Eyes” on one wall and “Magenta Jewel” on another? Never, unless you live alone for the rest of your life, because believe me, other people don’t let you paint their walls like that.

Be a big tipper. This includes food delivery people and taxi drivers, even when you don’t have a lot of money. It’ll come back to you.

Speaking of taxi drivers, show some respect. You’ll find most of them are highly educated and have to endure a lot of undeserved bullshit from passengers.

Call your mother if you’re lucky enough to have one. Why? Because you are lucky enough to have one.

What will you remember more, a night of wine and talking with friends, or getting a good night’s sleep? Wine and friends. You might feel like hell the next day, but that just means you had that much fun. Or made a fool of yourself. Or both.

You’ll almost always regret a drunk text to an ex. It’s the “almost” part that keeps us doing it though. Foiled again.