JULY 6, 1998:
Americans! This Fourth of July, while you drink yourself silly,
bloat on meat and blow off your fingers with fireworks, make a
pledge to return something to the nation that has allowed you
to vegetate free from fear of invasion.

Each of us can help as this the greatest nation in all of history
works to erase forever the shame of the two most disgraceful events
in the nation's expansionist period. With a little work by each
loyal citizen we will inform the world in a resounding and unified
voice that we reject absolutely the actions of our forefathers.
With earnest toil from all we can reverse a dark blot on our national
soul--the two failed invasions of Canada!

This July 4th, I ask all Americans to redouble their commitment
to take what should have been ours in 1775 and 1812: the vast
forests, pristine lakes, fertile prairies and maple syrup factories
of Canada!

Canada always should have been ours. In 1775 our boys occupied
Montreal and besieged Quebec City. But ultimately they were repulsed.
Now is the time to redeem their valiant efforts.

It can and should be ours! Look at a map. Are you not outraged
by the icy finger of Canada that plunges dangerously deep into
the Great Lakes region? Is there any reason why Detroit should
be across the river from a foreign
country?

The answer is no! We must reunite the continent and take Canada.

An armed invasion would secure the territory for us quickly. But
the world community would frown and the Canadian government would
get a national defense loan from the World Monetary Fund, which
gets its money from us, and that would be crazy.

The Canadians won't just give us their country. They're selfish.
So we have to take it from them--steal it right out from under
their noses.

Here's how: Millions of Americans vacation to Canada each year
in cars, mini-vans and trucks. Canadian Customs searches vehicles
entering the country, but they don't check the ones that leave.
So, patriots, on your next Canadian vacation pack a bushel basket
and shovel. When you're in the land of the selfish foreigners,
scrape up several shovel-fulls of their dirt and put it in your
vehicle. Fill the kids' pockets and shoes with Canadian dirt.
True patriots will pack the foreign soil under their fingernails,
into their ears and, yes, even up their nostrils.

If every U.S. citizen who visits Canada brings back a bushel or
even a bucket of dirt, we'll have that country scraped clean down
to rock in just a couple of years.

What do we do with all that dirt? Dump it into the Gulf of Mexico
where we could build several more states and add to our land mass.
We could pile it up on the Great Plains and make more mountain
ranges. We could use it to build more and stronger levees along
the mighty Mississippi River so our people could move back into
flood plains without worrying about wet basements and drowned
house pets. Canadian dirt could be used to replace all of the
topsoil we've lost to bad farming techniques, to fill in sinkholes,
to make the Hawaiian Islands bigger, to fill in the desolate lands
of the Great Basin with fertile farmlands and to make more cemeteries.

This will be the funniest and most satisfying conquest in history.
Imagine the sight of Canadians in Alberta and Saskatchewan standing
around, scratching their heads and saying "Eh?" to each
other when they wake up one day and discover that wheat won't
grow on top of solid rock that's been scraped clean
of dirt.

Imagine how infuriated Canadians will be when we shoot guns and
build for-profit, capitalist-style hospitals on their pirated
dirt! They'll go crazy.

To further insult these human popsicles, label the dirt you steal
from them so we know where it came from. That way we can take
the dirt taken from their sacred parks and precious mountain ranges
and build steel mills, chemical plants and nuclear waste dumps
on top of it.

And don't feel bad for the Canadians who will be stuck living
on a giant rock. They can make money by turning what's left of
their country into an oversized gravel pit.