I Don’t Find My Wife Attractive Anymore

To celebrate OFM’s 2nd birthday we are answering the top 6 reader’s questions:

Question #6 –What do I do if I don’t feel my spouse is attractive anymore?

Brad says…

Attraction is a tricky thing. It is part innate, part consumption, part attitude. I remember first learning this lesson as a teen. I sat next to a new girl in class, I thought she was very attractive, until she opened her mouth. After enduring only a week of her crass attitude and bullying comments all shreds of attraction disappeared. Nothing about her outward appearance changed, but the mind behind the eyes that were looking at her changed dramatically!

When one of One Flesh Marriage’s readers asks what to do when they don’t find their wife attractive anymore I can’t help but wonder if what changed is as much between the husband’s ears as the stretch marks under her clothes.

Before you go pointing an accusing finger at your wife for “letting herself go” make sure to consider a few factors.

Beauty Is

How do we know what beautiful is? Part of it is internal, what we find attractive. But that isn’t everything. Our perception of beautiful is influenced by the comparison material we allow into our minds. Some of this is difficult to avoid. We are inundated by images of “beauty” from advertisements in almost every corner of our world. However, many men also consume these images in “culturally acceptable pornography” like Men’s magazines such as Maxium, SI Swimsuit Edition, and Men’s Health.

If you consume these images of beauty, or pornography’s images of beauty your filter is broken. You will no longer be able to adequately judge if you wife is beautiful. Step back, fix your filter then look again!

Reality check:

Age Happens

Guys you might have married a 20 year old, but she will not stay 20 forever.

Storks Don’t Exist

Those babies that you created together were not dropped off by the stork. The love that created them also leave distended stomachs, stretch marks, and maybe a few gray hairs.

Look in the Mirror Too
Sometimes our culture is much more lenient on men’s bulging waistline and aging process then we are on a womans. This just isn’t fair. Make sure you are judging on an even playing field.

What IF it’s True?

If you can honestly say:

You have not destroyed your “filter” with inappropriate and unrealistic images of other women,

You accept the normal aging process,

You don’t mind the impact that babies have on your wife, and

You have taken a hard look in the mirror

And you still have a concern over your wife’s appearance what do you do?

Sexually Attractive or Healthy?

Telling your wife saying “I don’t find you sexually attractive anymore” is devastating! Don’t do it! It will not motivate change. On the other hand saying, “I want to make sure we can grow old together, what can we do together to be healthier?” is a much better approach.

Confidence Is Sexy

I don’t care what her body looks like, if you build her up she will feel better about herself. When a woman feels confident about their body it impacts the way they look. The opposite is true too. If you use negative comments in an attempt to motivate you will create the exact opposite effect.

Clothing Makes the Woman

Is your wife being frugal to help the family? Is she still wearing clothes that don’t fit right? You might be appalled at a $40 price tag on a new bra, but you will probably love the result. Put aside some money and help her to prioritize a few items that will accentuate what God has given her. It will make a difference!

Last but not least…

For The Ladies

I know that there are quite a few women reading this post too. Please know that a majority of husbands find their wives just as stunningly gorgeous today as the day we first laid eyes on you. Do not think for a moment that all husbands think this way. We don’t! That being said, I encourage you to re-read the heading “Confidence is Sexy”. It is simply exciting when you feel confident enough to allow us to see and enjoy the gifts you have been given! Trust me! 😉

This is post #1 in the CMBA 1/2 Marathon Blogging Challenge to post everyday for 13 days in October.

122 Responses to I Don’t Find My Wife Attractive Anymore

Thanks for this!! You told the truth and you’re right–clothes do make a woman. My husband knows I love to thrift shop. If I go to the mall with $100, I may return with 1 or 2 things that may not fit well once I tear off the tags lol. If I take that same $100 and go to a thrift store, I may return with a 10-gallon bag filled with designer clothes–with tags/very gently worn. I love to wear my thrift clothes and watch the surprise in my husband’s eyes when I tell him the cost. There’s one thing I cannot buy from thrift stores–undergarments!!! So I’m thankful he understands, I have to invest more for those articles of clothing:)

The two most common complaints we hear are “She only wants me for my money” and “He only wants me for my body” and you know what we tell people? Both are true and neither one is wrong. Women tend to want security for themselves and their family because they raise the babies and nurture them. Men are created by God to be visual and to feel connection with their wife after physical intimacy.

I’m so glad you brought up this topic, because so many women forget that when they were dating they would fix up their hair a little, put on a top that fit in a cute way, wear those “nice-fitting” jeans, and spritz a little something purdy smelling on before she saw him. Now with a toddler and a baby and a house to care for, her hair is frazzled along with her nerves (lol), she wears a loose top that’s 2 sizes too big, frumpy sweats, and smells more like spit up than Chanel!

I’m not saying you have to be size 2 or have no wrinkles, but work with what you’ve got! I’m not a skinny lady by any means, but I have tops that emphasize my curvy bits and are looser in the tummy. I wear long, flowing skirts or cute shorts made to show off my legs. I have hair down to about my upper thigh, so I put it up every day, or if I leave it down, I braid a bit here or put it in a barrette. I don’t have perfect skin, but I do cleanse it every day.

The point? Take the time, every day, to look and smell good to your spouse! It can help avoid what this post it talking about!

Cindy,
great comment. You addressed the female side of the coin. How would you address the male side of this?
To be clear my wife is pregnant with our fourth child. She was throwing up a few minutes ago. Life happens, how can I be more understanding as a husband during these times?

Thanks Brad for writing and sharing this post. So many men need to take a hard look at this issue. I was just explaining this to Janet the other day. We just celebrated 30 years of marriage and she still feels overwhelmed to know how attracted to her that I am. I explained to her that it was because I keep my eyes away from anything that would cause me to make comparisons. I said I want my eyes to always see her beauty and I am attracted to the one that is ALL mine. That’s what matters to me.

I think this is true of many wives! While society can influence our eyes, it also influences our wive’s perception of themselves. It is so important to continually tell them how absolutely stunningly beautiful we find them. In the absence of us telling them, society will win and they will not think they are beautiful! An important reminder to stand up for our wives! Thanks Jack!

I love what both of you said, Jack and Brad. My husband is that way with me, and he makes me feel so beautiful and cherished. I read on another blog that women have an innate desire to be beautiful to a man. And it’s true, the world attempts to destroy our self-esteem. It’s marketing – along with perverting sexual desire in order to sell products, they also create a problem (for example, with the way we look) so they can sell a solution. I wish that all women had husbands like mine, and like you gentlemen.

Jenny- You are so very lucky to have a man that feels that way about you. I truely envy you. And guys, its nice to know wonderful greatful men really do exist. I, however, am not so lucky to have this kind of relationship with my husband of 26 years. He is 59, and a musician in a band that attracks mostly 20 year old girls. Need I say more! Not a good combination! I cant compete with them and his good friend also in the band encourages him to look at these girls as opportunities. He has really been very demeaning and belittling to me the last 2 years after confessing to me how attracted he is to a girl in the band. She has since quit but he still shows me no attention and recently while in the car traveling home from a shopping trip and trying to be funny…. made a comment that a passing car thought he had a man in the car with him. Im 53 and havr shorter blonde hair that I know he wishes were longer but Ive had a hard time trying to grow it out. Sorry.. dont mean to ramble. Just been holding in so many bad feelings.

But in light of him making you feel beautiful and cherished, how do you reciprocate? In other words, what is your response that drives him to continue treating him this way?
Every husband should be doing all they can to make their wife “feel” this way. But not all husbands are fortunate to receive reciprocation and reason to continue. This is a MAJOR struggle for truly committed men who wish to love their wives no matter what.
But does he actually, personally, and privately, still find you PHYSICALLY attractive. Because that is what this post topic is about.

It’s not about how he makes YOU feel……. but about how you make HIM feel.

That in itself is a confusion point between genders. Because “beautiful” can (and more often than not does) have an entirely different meaning for a man than it does a woman.

Here’s a very simple example to illustrate clearly and concisely most mens’ “feeling” about a beautiful wife………

The sight and/or thought of your naked body gives him an erection.
That’s it. No more. No less.

Now, that undoubtedly will be construed as shallow and objective to most women reading this. Meaning those who have not taken the time (or refuse to accept) the understanding of the innate and purely physical connection to sexual desire by the human male animal. But that’s why out of pure respect and consideration, women should be steering clear of posting their views on this forum…….. as much as it may pain them. Hopefully however, those women choosing the respectful and committed path here, will read (and only read), absorb, learn, and apply.

Because a man loving his wife with all of his very soul does NOT mean, and in fact it is COMPLETELY separate from, his personal internal desire to be physically intimate with her.

You don’t have to be thin. You don’t have to be fat. Neither do you necessarily need to be tall or short. Whatever his preferences are (learned or otherwise – which CANNOT be changed after early associations and resulting brain synapses have been formed, btw), are what they are. And the clear cut indication (if a woman actually and truly wishes to know and understand) that a wife is within her husband’s desire matrix, is his erection. Period.

That is absolutely true. But what’s a husband to do when the wife’s problem is that she is L-A-Z-Y? That she continues to procrastinate about exercising and continues to consume lattes and has put on over 100 pounds since the wedding date? I’ve tried the be patient, be encouraging crap for over 15 years and I call it crap because it doesn’t work and if it hasn’t by now probably never will. Is there anything that can be done but wait and hope for God to give her the kick in the butt that she needs?

What I also wanted to say but forgot was that it’s NOT a matter of ‘attractivenss.’ Even the 100 pounds is well distributed and hasn’t really changed her appearance much (at least not in my eyes). She still has the most beautiful face and smile in the world to me. But even though I’m adequately endowed, penetration is difficult with all that extra FLAB in the way – intimacy isn’t fun anymore. WEIGHT MATTERS. A lazy wife who refuses to exercise cannot excuse herself by attempting to paint her husband as “shallow.”

Anonymous,
Thank you for your comment, I am glad that you did. As I said we can not escape the reality that we have a health crisis in the US. And while this shouldn’t directly impact “attractiveness” (that is in the eyes of the beholder and culture, ideal weight of beauty has varied dramatically over the ages, just look at any Greek statue) it does have a huge impact on vitality, health, and potentially sexual intimacy. That being said the solution is much more difficult.

What we are talking about in essence is motivation for change. This is an extremely complex and involved issue as there are many ways to motivate. In the end there they boil down to two approaches: Reward or Punishment. Lets take it out of weight loss for a good example.

If you were financially rewarded for not speeding would it change your behavior? Would you knock off that 10 over the limit we tend to push now? They’ve tried it, it works.

Negative motivation does change behavior, but often for the wrong reasons. We don’t want to get in trouble, or get fired, or get a fine. Positive motivation tends to reinforce the internal reasons for change. I would strongly encourage you to use both. Yes, be honest about the health risks (negative motivation), then talk about what you can do TOGETHER! Can you go to the gym together, or walk together? Paring the positive change with another positive, spending time together, will automatically reinforce the changes.

Sometimes without realizing it poor motivation actually prevents change. Motivation is a huge subject, but if you are trying to motivate change and it isn’t working, you can declare it all her fault OR you can step back and say maybe I wasn’t motivating in the right way!

I hope some of that helps! I’m really glad you wrote! I know this is a real issue and I don’t want to ignore the fact that sometimes changes do need to happen! Thanks for making sure we talk about that too!

I agree with exercising together being a great thing! It’s so much fun, and a great motivator. Even if only one of you needs to lose weight, to make it a team effort is so helpful. Why do you think women usually go to the gym with other women? We need companionship and support, and we like to talk while we’re exercising! (Even when I’m really huffing and puffing, I still like to talk and laugh in between huffs and puffs!) When my husband and I had free gym memberships when he was in the military, and then the times we’ve been able to afford to pay for one after that, we would always go at the same time. We would do cardio side-by-side, and be in the weight room at the same time – doing different exercises and using different machines, but joining together on breaks to talk and encourage one another and share quick kisses, and maybe a little slap on the rump or a boob squeeze. haha. He would always show me how to do different exercises that would help me stay lean without bulking up, which was sweet and cute and helpful. Plus, it really turns him on to see me break out a sweat! It turns me on to see him look all manly while he’s working out, too! 😉 We’ve also gone for many, many long and brisk walks together, talking the whole way, which is great bonding time while you’re burning a bunch of calories and toning muscles. We plan to start swimming together as soon as we have access to a pool. I would definitely recommend that you make the time to exercise with her, and make it into a fun activity to share together.

Stop calling the weight epidemic in the US a “health crisis”. That label empowers individuals to selfishly abnegate their own responsibility toward their personal health.

It is a “choice crisis”. End of story.

An Eat-McDonald’s Virus does not exist. Neither does the Sit-On-The-Couch-And-Eat-A-Bag-Of-PotatoChips-And-Gallon-Of-Soda-Every-Night virus. Nor a Walking-Down-The-Street-And-Back-Passes-For-Exercise strain of bacteria.

Humans get fat when A) they choose to be, or B) they’re taking medications that force them to store anything extra. Either way, fat is due to excess and indulgent behaviour. Nothing else.

I might also suggest that her troubles may also be much, much deeper than just being lazy. I know there are a bunch of us who have had bad things happen and have had our hearts broken in ways that destroy our sense of self worth and therefore the feeling that we deserve to take care of ourselves is destroyed too? Is it possible that she needs to talk to a counsellor?

Great post on a tough subject. I believe that attraction mostly a response to how you are treated and how much confidence the other person has. If a wife consistently treats her husband with respect and is confidence in her appearance and who she is, she will be attractive to her husband regardless of her “natural assets.”

Scott,
Oooo an interesting challenge for the other side! I do agree. Feeling valued and respected raises attractiveness just as quickly as my example of a “crass attitude and bullying comments” lowers it.

Jack–“I keep my eyes away from anything that would cause me to make comparisons.”

Although this sounds noble, I’m skeptical of your full honesty. The fact is, younger women are simply more physically attractive on the surface to most men. I see them all the time–it can’t be avoided.

However, that doesn’t mean I actually want to BE with them. My wife knows me so well and has a beautiful personal maturity, and the children she has brought me are beautiful–which enhances my attraction to her.

Scott nailed it: “If a wife consistently treats her husband with respect and is confidence in her appearance and who she is, she will be attractive to her husband regardless of her “natural assets.””

So a more mature wife who is respectful and intimately available easily wins out in terms of her husband’s actual desire to be in a relationship with a woman–even though other women might be more physically attractive on the surface. Mature men know very well that the surface is only a small portion of a woman’s beauty.

Strong Man,
Thanks for your comment. You are right in that we can not extract ourselves from the influence of culture on beauty. We can do our best to make sure we don’t blindly accept the influence, but we can’t escape it. I will add there is a difference between “I see [younger women] all the time” and I SEE younger women. Looking, noticing is not lusting. But looking, longing is, and will impact your thoughts.

Woman here! As a wife, I do worry that the constant bombardment of worldly beauty will alter my husband’s view of me. I do take care of myself and even managed to lose ALL of my baby weight just 3 months after giving birth to our 4th baby! I dress nicely, I get many compliments on my hair, I wear appropriate make-up, etc, but I’m not getting any younger!! My husband has “slipped up” and looked at pictures he ought not to, though he is disgusted by blatent porn and avoids it. He also watches rated R DVD’s that often have nude women and sexual situations in them. Even though I’ve respectfully voiced my sorrow and concern over it, he assures me that he doesn’t get anything out of it and that he finds me beautiful and that I drive him crazy sexually (in a good way.) Still, I worry that some day all those images will break his filter.

That being said, it is amazing how simple words and actions of encouragement can drive a woman’s confidence and appearance through the roof! When my husband is attracted to me, I want to be more attractive for him AND I’m much more confident.

It goes the other way, too. Hubby’s aged, too and my good home-cookin’ has put a small paunch on him. But, he still takes care of himself and has those hard-laborer/country boy muscles. I noticed, after making love, how much more attractive I found him. His paunch mysteriously disappeared in my eyes and his muscles appeared bigger….and his pecs! Oh…someone fan me, I’m about to faint!

Later that day, as the beautiful effects of climax and intimacy faded slowly, I noticed the paunch again, but of course he’s still very attractive to me. It made me wonder how I really look to my husband and especially what I look like through “sex goggles!” lol!

Men- take notice! what you say matters! They may just smile or blush, but it matters!

Kate had a similar to question of if the “broken filter” applies to all men. It is a good question. One that I can’t dismiss automatically. I wrote this specifically men who say they do not find their wife attractive anymore, in that case the filter issue is an extremely important one to consider. That being said does it impact all men? I can’t say no because I know that the people who research what motivates us (the advertising industry) uses “beauty” as a draw. They say “buy this car and your’ll feel beautiful!” “Where these jeans and your butt will look like this”. All of these statements do influence us.

However, I do not believe that this issue of not finding our wife attractive happens as often as wives worry about! The fear is greater then the reality! It happens, but it is a small minority of husbands who feel this way. It is, I fear, a majority of wives who fear their husband will feel this way!

I hope that wives don’t take this as a reassurance of the problem, and that the few husbands who this does apply to learn how much they are a part of the issue!

In short – Wives if your husband tells you he finds you beautiful, he isn’t just saying it! He means it! Believe him!

Why would a wife ‘let herself go’ in the first place? I’m not referring to the extra weight babies can bring because I have that extra weight. And my health challenges have made it extremely difficult to lose it too. But that being said, I work at maintaining a nice outer appearance so I can bless my husband. I believe it is part of me ministering to him. However, the root issue to an overweight or obese wife is…maybe her husband is a selfish jerk! Maybe he has stopped wooing her and she’s figured, why bother pleasing him. If you’ve got a wife who no longer cares about her outer appearance, try being her friend first. Minister to her for the sake of who she is and not because of your own selfish desires. We, wives, are not dumb. We can figure out the motivate of a man’s heart.

You know, I’ve yet to meet a woman who can’t wait for the day that she can add some extra lbs. to her body!

As much as I exercise (I am quite fit), fix my hair and makeup, wear nice clothes…I’m still a 40-year-old woman whose body has endured seven pregnancies. No, I am not attractive, either to my husband or myself.
The sacrifices I’ve made to bring these children into the world and raise them, the knowledge I’ve gained with my years of experience, the effort I’ve put into my appearance, and all my inner qualities–generosity, determination, creativity–all that is forgotten and overlooked when there is a pretty young woman in the room. Who I AM takes a back seat to my lacking LOOKS. Maybe that’s not how it *should be*, but that’s how it *is*. I don’t see it changing. It’s hard as a woman to not find that pretty depressing.

there is a huge difference between “physically beautiful” and “attractive.” Brad’s point above about confidence being sexy is absolutely true. I have seen women who if I just saw a picture would not have been attracted to, but meeting them and seeing how comfortable they were in their own skin? Their attitude made them beautiful, regardless of the vessel their souls were in

I’m so sorry, Mama. I wish I could slap your husband. He has no idea the joy that he’s missing out on. Remember that God is the true determiner of beauty, and He loves every part of you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Standards of beauty are different everywhere and change over time – for example, I have blindingly white skin, a small to average sized chest, and gigantic hips. These days, that’s not what America tells us is “sexy.” But look at all the paintings and statues from so long ago, when that WAS considered beautiful. Just because we don’t look like the silly and arbitrary “ideal” that the media sells us doesn’t mean we’re not beautiful. And just because a man ensnared in one of Satan’s blinding webs is indeed blind to the beautiful wife God has given him, does not mean that you’re not beautiful. I’m praying for you.

Hi jenny,
this is for you only. Praise God for the “blindingly white skin” you possess.
Back home here in my nation,India, practically every head will turn to gaze at your strikingly white skin, of course, more men than the women!

so take heart, there are different standards of beauty everywhere and know that you are made beautiful by God Himself
amen. peace in Christ

Oh Mama,
You are me! I, too have birthed 7 beautiful children for my husband and have never felt beautiful, never felt like a woman. There is something in us as females of the species that only comes into its fullness, only sees our true beauty when it is reflected through thd eyes, the words and the touch of our lover. But what happens to us when he’s not a lover? When he can’t articulate words of affection….when he can’t reciprocate the gaze of the eyes or soul? When there’s no desire or maybe not even the ability to look upon our soul…indeed, he does not even know us. What happens to us? Our spirits dry up and we learn to numb the pain, and we inadvertently numb any joy and life becomes a meaningless series of loads of laundry and cooked meals and we feel cheated. So, what’s the answer? We are told we just need more of Christ…and we do….and we are told to keep praying…and we do…to keep reaching for him….only to be rejected and humiliated again and again….until one day we just let it all go….like ribbons in our hands that we could never tie into bows….and we feel incapable…k mean, who can’t tie a bow? And we’re surrounded by a world that is enjoying the beauty of love and experiencing freedom in their sexuality and emotions. And the years role by, fifty of them at last count…and the children grow in the space between the two of us until they leave us and we watch them reach for people like us…when will it change…or end? Soon, let’s hope….”all of creation groans for His return”…

I don’t usually comment on things like this, but that was so incredibly beautiful. My wife and I have been going through a tough time because I “can’t reciprocate the gaze of the eyes or soul”. This comment really helped me see things from her point of view. The truth is I have not been physically attracted to my wife since she had thyroid surgery and her face changed dramatically. People still don’t recognize her at times. Anyway, please pray for us.

How did this discussion morph away from a husband’s plight to other husbands regarding his PHYSICAL attraction to his wife???

The more wives that troll on here leaving their comments from their perspective (irrelevant to the initial concern), the more husbands in need of communal support and assistance will abondon this board in search of another avenue for discussion.

Remember ladies, men (generally speaking of course) go out on a limb to discuss their problems with a single primary lazer-focused intention of SOLVING THEIR PROBLEM, not just to feel like they’re not alone. So when a problem is raised by a man ………TO MEN…….. the ladies need to step back closed-mouthed, and exit the conversation.

Mama,
there are some interesting comments in response to yours… I am 36 years old with three children and one on the way. Whenever a young and pretty woman would walk into the room, my wife would get so nervous. She would get so nervous that I would begin to get nervous. As our relationship has matured she doesn’t get nervous at all, or so it seems. That would be weird, because that would mean that we could not be friends with attractive people. Anyway, the reason that i wanted to comment is this, Trust me when I say that your husband knows you are attractive. If you are caring for your body, hair, make up and attire then you are nailing it. Good Job! We as men know that our wives are not going to be 24 years old forever.

I tried to explain this concept of this filter to my husband for YEARS! His addiction to pornography, I was convinced, made it so he couldn’t really see “me”. He only saw a distorted version of me. He would argue until he was blue in the face that this was just not true. And that he thought I was beautiful. But as a woman who has endured a man’s pornography addiction and didn’t understand her worth like I do now (thank God!), it was really hard to believe him. Pornography, whether it is blatant or subtle through advertising (which really isn’t subtle these days sadly), is EVERYWHERE and no, men can’t avoid it. So it can influence them unknowingly. Once my husband was freed from the bondage to that addiction, I can remember one night after coming home to him saying something. Words I will never forget. “You’ve been there all along.” He just couldn’t see it before, when his mind was clouded with so much filth. And through our healing process, I have learned that my beauty has nothing to do with all the extra weight I’ve gained or how many gray hairs I have. It’s simple. God made me a beautiful creation. He tells me that. And so I believe it. And THAT is something that I think is truly beautiful. I loved this post and going through what I did with my husband’s addiction and my subsequent 7 year affair, I love that as a man, you are taking a stand and addressing this. My husband was shocked when I read him that some of your readers ask that question to begin with. He cannot fathom not finding me attractive. And that, though unspoken, is a compliment that I will treasure.

Jamie,
Thank you for sharing your challenging and yet encouraging story. I can’ not imagine not finding my wife attractive either. I think she is beautiful all the time! I am glad that now when your husband said he can’t imagine not finding you attractive you were able to believe him! I know many men are frustrated that their wife desires compliments, but dismisses them when they are given. It is natural and humble to not think yourself “gorgeous” but always saying “oh no I’m not” when your hubby says it is not humble, it is telling him “I don’t believe you”. A hug and a peck and a thank you works much better!

I find this problem to be so easily avoidable. I have read of women who don’t find their husbands attractive as well. As you said, you have to avoid things that give you a different standard of beauty – even if that means turning off the tv or not watching that awesome new action movie – or turning back from the aisle in the grocery store that you needed to go down until someone who might be a distraction goes somewhere else! Absolutely, before anything else, turn your eyes away from outside influences and make your spouse the standard of beauty and the definition of what beautiful is to you. I see this in my marriage on both sides. First of all, attraction – even sexual attraction – is not solely about physical appearance. I find my husband to be the sexiest, most attractive, most handsome man in the world – actually the only sexy, attractive, and handsome man! I have never been turned on by another man, but even though he isn’t what the world considers to be “ideal,” I tear his clothes off every chance I get! I can’t keep my eyes or hands off of him. I even dream about him when we’re sleeping together! Why? I love him. He’s mine, and I’m his. I also focus ONLY on the good. Find the things that you like – anything! – and focus on those things. The things that maybe you don’t like, don’t let your mind think about them at all. If you see her naked, and maybe her poochy stomach turns you off – purposely skip over that part. Focus only on the good. Mention the good often to her. Build her up. Eventually, even the things you originally skipped over will become parts that you cherish, because they’re part of your beloved. I don’t know exactly what journeys my husband’s mind has gone down as far as this goes, but when we first started dating and then being intimate, we were 18, and we were both in extremely good shape! No pooches – everything in place! Here we are ten years later, and I see more unabashed delight and adoration in his eyes now when he looks at my naked body than I did even back then. He even thinks my cellulite is adorable, because it’s part of ME. And the knowledge that he cherishes me, and loves every bit of me even though I’m not perfect, and thinks that I’m the most beautiful woman in the entire world – that makes me confident and feel good about myself, which is also beautiful in a woman.

I agree, too, about clothing being important. Money may be tight these days (I know it is for us!), but being able to dress in a feminine way that flatters my body is so important. You can go to thrift stores and find a bunch of things, as mentioned – but in reality, you don’t need a million articles of clothing. Develop a base of well-fitting, flattering basics that coordinate together, and build on that. I’m a huge clothes fanatic, and wear dresses or skirts almost every single day (unless I’m at home….then I’m generally unclothed….), and have learned that the right clothes make all the difference – including the right underwear. Try to set aside a little money for her to purchase feminine things for herself – a pretty pair of panties or a well-fitted bra, a nice fitted shirt, flavored lipgloss, the good kind of razors, or a nice-smelling lotion. It will go a long way for both of you.

Great post Brad… I definitely think this is a struggle for some couples. Age, stress and life in general just takes its toll…on men and women.

Sometimes I think the “I’m not attracted physically to my spouse” is really reflective of a long pattern of general lack of respect in the marriage.

In other words, I think if a couple is intentional in nurturing their friendship, showing each other respect, extending grace, building a shared vision for their life, working through difficulties, protecting their time together, etc., then I think it is less likely that the extra baby pounds or the various loss of outward physical beauty are going to be an issue.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t strive for physical health. I’m just saying that building each other up toward physical health is easier if there is a foundation of solid friendship established over the long haul.

Hello, I first want to say that your post is great. I looked up the topic to see what others out there think. My husband told me last week that he is not attracted to me now. I did not and still do not know how to handle this. It makes me feel unloved and that he could not love me. He was always telling me, how beautiful I was. He says he loves me, does not want anyone else and plans to be with me forever. But I still do not understand how he can feel this way. Is this normal or right? How do I fix this? I know why he feels this way… Because he told me and it is true. I have gained weight and have lost some of my chipper self that last few months. The reason I have is in September I was diagnosed with Dermatomyositis. It is an autoimmune/connective tissue disease that effects my muscles. The medication that I have been put on has caused me to gain weight, lose some hair, and be very fatigued. The disease has changed the things we enjoyed doing, which were mainly outdoor things. But I am not allowed in sun between 10am and 4pm. I’m tring my best, I want to feel better and would never wish this on anyone! I have a peace that God is in control and has a plan that is perfect for me. But I must be honest I never thought my husband would feel this way about me… Not now when I need him the most. He has been a great caretaker, but now I’m pushing away and tring to do everything alone. Any advise would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

I totally relate. My husband told me 3 years ago that he was no longer attracted to me anymore. here it is 3 years later, and the comment stills haunts me everyday. i am so tired of feeling less than. i really don’t know what to do?! will i ever feel pretty again for him? i told him 8 months ago that i don’t want to have sex with him, because i don’t want to be judged by my 40 year old body. please help!!!!!!!!!!!! how can our marriage last in the long run if my heart is broken!

Thanks for sharing where you are. My heart breaks for the reality you are in at the moment, but remember we serve an Almighty God and he can change hearts! I would say the first thing you need to do is get on your knees and pray. Stay in the Word and seek to be the wife God is calling you to be. Pray for your hubby. Trust God with your life and your marriage. Other then that and taking good care of yourself, working hard when you can-you can only leave this at Jesus’ feet. Your hubby needs a change of heart and that can only come from Christ. It will be hard, but you can do it. Lay it at Jesus’ feet and seek to be the wife God is calling you to. Gather others around you to pray for you! Love and respect your hubby even when it is hard. Be the change you want to see in him! Blessings, Kate

7 years ago my wife had a brain tumor. During the biopsy she had a subdural hematoma that about took her home. She is now partially paralyzed on the left side. The subdural hematoma plus the chemo and radiation to deal with the tumor (she is cancer free!) left her the brain of an old person. No short term memory. She always hated exercise and loved food. Now, food is her comfort, her god. She has no will power. The heavier she gets the less active she gets. She spends hours a day on the couch. I don’t know what I can or should expect of her. She wears various pain patches and hormone patches (hysterectomy) and is scarred all over her body. Her hair is thin and she has no sense of how her clothes look. She often fails to bathe and does not smell herself. It is like I lost my wife and gained an ailing parent. I press on to love her as Christ loves the Church. It is a sacrifice daily but I am learning more about God’s patience and kindness than I could have any other way (probably). The hard part is to hold my tongue and to not complain to God.

Dear brother, May the God of ALL comfort show Himself very real to you in this excruciating season. May HE be your Hope.. your Vision, that you wouldn’t “judge by the seeing of the eyes or hearing of the ears” (Isaiah 11:3)..and NOT saying you’re NOT hearing Him.. but through many years of struggle that included tragic sudden death of best friend, finding out about sexual abuse in my own home of origin, my husband having an affair and not wanting to deal with the aftermath or allow me to process it.. leading us to live constantly at the brink of divorce for 5 years… through all of it I have learned one thing. God is faithful and (1a) He requires much of me to fully experience that faithfulness and (1b) It is ALWAYS worth it when I assume I don’t know but He does.. and that His plan is ONLY for my good, even when my feelings & circumstances seem to make Him a liar… they are the liars and HE is my Only Truth. Didn’t mean to go on & on; my heart just went out to you and I hope you find some comfort here!
I will honestly be praying for you and your wife!

Thank you for writing and sharing, my heart truly breaks for all you and your wife have and are enduring. You two are truly living out the vows “in sickness”. I don’t think many of us truly understand what that means-you my friend do!

As I sit and think and talk to God about what you have shared, I think your wife chooses food as her God, because she feels that God has failed her, abandoned her and does not care about her. As her hubby, through God’s strength and guidance-do all that you can to be the spiritual head of the family. Find ways to surround yourselves with other believers who will lift you up. Go to worship together, join a small group-anything to keep both of you emersed in the Word and God’s people. You also can draw close to God yourself. Keep praise music in your house, sit and read the Bible with your wife. Read books with her and to her.

She clearly feels and wants to distance herself from God and also most likely wants to push you away as well.

The other thing I would say is to love her (again through God’s strength) in the way God asks of husbands through his Word. It will be God’s strength alone that will allow you to do so.

God has been challenging me a lot with this verse lately:
2 Corinthians 12: 9-11
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

My heart goes out to you and your wife. And yet there is great hope in God and his plan for marriage-no matter what. Keep hanging on to that hope and never let go! Blessings, Kate

1) Look to the Lord for strength as he knows you pains, sorrows and frustrations.
2) Look for encouragement from believers who will esteem you, hold you in their arms, pray with you and encourage you through your trials.
3) Look for female volunteers in your church who will help her keep kempt and clean.
4) PRAY PRAY PRAY!!! for strength and increased love for God. Remember that we are all sinners and deserve nothing more than Hell. But He has given us a future and a hope.
5)Fix your eyes on that big prize..the hope and how glorious it will be. How much God will remember how selflessly looked after your wife. He will not forget.
6) Pray for a desire to be compassionate and to deal with hardships with a spirit of endurance and perseverance knowing and believing that the Lord can give tremondous strength!
5) Remember that the Lord is good. He always has a purpose and a way.
6) Pray for healing for your wife if it is the Lord’s will. Nothing is impossible for Him. He holds the world in the palm of his hands!
7) Our flesh is temporary. It is like chaff that will pass away. Focus on the spirit of Christ in you with the goal of pressing on and the victory you will have when you and your wife will be restored in magnificent heavenly bodies that will know no scarring, pain or cancer but bodies that are glorified that will live on forever! in His everlasting KINGDOM!
Praying for you brother!

I have never found my wife attractive. Even when we were dating. I very nearly did not get married, broke off the engagement, once a moment from not following through, but I convinced myself I was only being shallow and that it would all disappear. It hasn’t. Now what?

David,
I’m not sure what to tell you that hasn’t already been said. If it was an issue prior to marriage, then you can not blame your wife for this.

Beauty and attraction are in your head, not in any cultural standard or set model. You need to pray that God change your eyes. Rid yourself of unworthy comparison material and pray to see your wife with eyes of love.

Only problem Brad, is that eyes of “love” are not the same as eyes of “sex”. And unless we remove ourselves from the public (and family even), there will always be a hot young pretty little thing somewhere within eyeshot.
Love and sex, while overwhelmingly beautiful when they meet, are NOT the same thing. Not as far as testosterone is concerned anyway.
The most recent two hundred years (let’s even stretch that out to six thousand in order to encompass “civilization” as we know it if you want) with its general absence of natural selection, and with its periodic view of overweight women being attractive, cannot overcome two hundred thousand years of hunter-gatherer physiques engrained into our procreative instincts. So unless conditioned from birth (or at least at the right moments) to find obesity SEXUALLY attractive, it ain’t gonna happen.

Do I love my gorgeous wife?
Absolutely and dearly.
Does looking at her post-pregnant, surgically repaired, stretch-marked tummy and bellybutton inspire carnal thoughts like it used to?
No. Of course not.
Does a glimpse of her now deflated and droopy when naked but once high and firm breasts innately arouse me?
Nope.
Do I fully respect and 100% accept why she is physically scarred like that or different from how she looked when I initially pursued her?
Most definitely. Proud of it actually.
Her current appearance is a testament to what she’s persevered through and overcome. It shows her strength and power. And I applaud her for not caring who sees them when she gets into one of her little bikinis for visiting the beach.

This is all fully and completely honored by me because she had no choice in those matters. And when age takes effect and the rest of her becomes un-sexy, I will humour that too.
Until then, she respects and honours me (…..and reality) enough to take care and maintain the rest of her appearance as best as age will allow. She eats real food, doesn’t allow herself to gain a bunch of lazy flab, keeps her butt in great shape, does her hair beautiful, and does knockout makeup on special alone occasions and when we go out together.
And she respects and honours me enough to use my erect penis as a sexual arousal indicator only…….
never ever a love indicator.

In return, I do the same.

There is a root responsibility for BOTH partners in this. It’s a tit-for-tat thing.

So, my husband told me 2.5 years ago that he isn’t attracted to me physically anymore. Well, here it is 2 years later, and I am still carying around that burden. My husband never apologized for saying such an awful thing, and it hurts so bad! Me, being a christian, and my husband not being a christian is pretty tough. I don’t believe in hurting him back. I try to stay positive, but I find myself crying a lot of tears over the hurtful comment. I have clinical depression, and have had 4 major eppisodes in the last 20 years. My last eppisode was a little over 6 years ago, and the doctor put me on Effexor Xr. Thank God, it worked within a six week period. I am very grateful for the antideprants that help people to get through eppisodes of depression. However, I have put on 40lbs since taking the meds. Our daughter is almost 5 years old, and I still have the, “baby weight.” Well, not really, it is caused from the meds. I didn’t ask for mental illness, and taking antideprants goes along with the illness. So, when my husband said that horrible comment 2.5 years ago, it nearly crushed my entire world. I love my husband very much, but I hold resentment for his judgemental opinion of me. What should I do?! Any suggestions? Ps. I am finally off of the effexor, (5 days now) so i am hoping that i can get back to 150lbs again. That is what i weighed when I got married 7 years ago. i know i have to be realistic about the weight though. i am leaving it in god’s hands. for some reason, god wants me to go through this suffering. However, i can’t figure out why it has to be this long! please help me!!!!!!!!!

Hi, You could try prozac if you do need medicine again because prozac didnt make me gain weight while efexor xr and alot of other antidepressives made me very big. I suffer from heavy depressions sinds childhood but i found out 6 years ago that i have depressions from a lack of sunlight. I dont have to use medicine anymore because I bought a lighttherapylamp that i sit behind for 10 minutes a day. Sinds the lamp i dont have depressions for the last 6 year so im not on medicine anymore. I bought the litebook because thats the only lighttherapy lamp that has proven to work and that one is not bad for your eyes like some others. I want to say that its not God that wants you to go thru this suffering. You just have bad luck in life and you deserve to be happy. I hope you will find happiness.

God can’t do burpees and jumping jacks for you.
God can’t stop you from eating too much.
God can’t do anything more than lead you on a path to your own health. Then it’s up to you.

But He sure can inspire your husband to be honest with you by saying words that likely tore him apart to utter. Words you likely needed to hear.

10 to 15 pounds could be meds. But 40lbs is calories and inactivity.

Use one measly hour out of the twenty-four God hands to you each and every day to honour yourself and Him. Do it by dedicating that time to a brisk walk.

Then try cutting ALL wheat, dairy, and sugar for one solid month.

Tell your husband you’re doing this and ask for his support in helping and keeping you accountable to it. If you taking the reigns on that doesn’t result in a newly found comradery between the two of you, then you have the right to complain…….. and I’ll eat my shirt.

I have been through a failed marriage simply by not realizing what was going on. You say that your husband says he does not find you attractive anymore. When we had a baby I felt very neglected and this caused me to not want sex. Maybe he doesn’t realize that your focus is on your daughter and not on the marriage, and his is probably on supporting the family. Having a young child in the home presents many challenges for both of you, and if the two of you sit down to discuss and understand these challenges you will be amazed by the improvements you will see. I know that it is near impossible to look attractive with baby food/puke all over your top and there just is not the time to do your hair and to look sexy while caring for the needs of a baby and a home.
If you remember that men find women attractive who feel attractive, then by loosing that weight, buying and wearing sexy lingerie, making time to do you hair and wearing you favorite scent will do a lot to make you feel more attractive, and then he will.
A playful attitude is indicative of youth. By being playful with your man both of you will feel younger and I believe that for women feeling younger makes them feel and be more attractive. Be flirtatious and maybe a little risky. Make time for the 2 of you to be alone together. Let your daughter stay over at a family member while the 2 of you stay home. Do the things that you did before you were pregnant…
Forget the past, live the present and build the future. It really is in your hands.

I totally understand what you are trying to say, and thanks so much for replying! Our daughter is almost 5, and my hubbs said, “the comment” 2.5 years ago. So, she is a toddler now. My hubbs has mentioned many times that paying all the bill is very stressful. He works very hard, and about at least 80 hours a week to be able to pay the bills. I get that he is under a whole lot of stess! Well, I have clinical depression, and it makes it 100 times harder to lose the weight. I gained @ 40lbs in a very short period of time 6 years ago. For me, the meds are very important, as I have had 4 major depressive eppisodes in 20 years. However, I have lost 15lbs in the last year due to seeing a nutritionist. I am very proud of myself for being so dedicated to my weight loss goal. At this time, I weigh 186lbs, and I have 36 more lbs to get to my married weight. I recently came off the med that was contibuting my weight gain, so I am hoping to get my body back to at least within 10lbs of my wedding day. So, with that said, I am going to stay positive. I believe that God is working at our marriage each and every day. Jesus never leaves or forsakes us. I am going to ask my bible study group to pray for us this week. Our love is very strong, and I am willing to bet that things are going to work out! Staying close to Jesus is very important at times like this, especially when we are going through suffering. By the way, we have been studying suffering at bible study for the last few weeks. I believe that Jesus can help our marriage, and that a few tweeks along the road will be a huge help. My husband tells me how much he loves me everyday, and that alone is amazing. After 14 years of being together, our love is very strong. So, with that said, making love is hopefully going to come back into our marriage when we straighten things out. It’s only a matter of time, that Jesus will heal whatever needs to be healed. Again, thanks for your imput……………….

I am not saying a woman has to let herself go and not for the purpose of her husband but why would you as a woman want to look worn down but men complain I would love it if a man could get pregnant just once and carry that child for 9months and then push that 10lb baby from her body get stitches stretch marks breast feed that baby and have your breast head south due to all the sucking from the baby and still be a working mother or not have house work to do and be with that baby 24/7 don’t even talk about the 3am feedings or when the child is sick teething or have colic and then they can talk they get big bellies their hair starts to drop etc and then they will see if they will EVER complain about their wife not being attractive

So what if your wife has yet to have children and has already “let herself go”?
My wife has been just that for not even a year yet and has packed on the weight. She showed signs of losing any interest in her appearance in the actual build up to our wedding actually.
I could never actually say anything and am supportive whenever she mentions losing weight etc, I invite her to come to the gym with me, advise her on healthy foods etc but within a day she has seemingly forgotten about this new drive to get fit and healthy and is back eating countless sweets and chocolates.
It’s getting me down to be honest, something I hate as I don’t want to be so shallow. I love this girl with all my heart and we get on great but, and I know this sounds bad, I just don’t find her attractive anymore.
HELP!!!!!!! Please

I totally hear where you are coming from. Yet I think the best thing you can do for her is pray for her. She may be “letting go” as you say, but there is usually more of a reason behind her eating then just letting go. She is using it to fill a void. Pray for her and encourage her to grow deeper in her relationship with Jesus, because he can heal all things. I know it is hard at times to see these things happening to her, but your pushing will make things worse and cause her to hide even more. We (human nature) want to change the things in our spouse that we see are not good from them, but usually we end up making them feel worse. Keep praying and loving her in all the ways God has called you to. Jesus can heal her, but her amazing hubby loving her no matter what can be a balm to her soul! You have a very special part, don’t forget that!

As for finding her attractive . . . we hear that a great deal and to be honest, while I understand, that is an issue between you and God. I know that I am a women and so you might think that clouds my thoughts, but we have many wives who write and say the same thing. You need to ask God to fill you with a desire and attraction for your wife. If you seek to be the husband he calls you, then he will bless you. Love is often a choice, not a feeling. So seek God in this and ask him to grow you as a husband and as a child of God.

We often want our spouse to change and then everything will be ok in our marriage. Yet that is not how marriages are healed and changed. If you have problems in your marriage, draw a circle around yourself and work on everyone in the circle! Easy, no! Yet it is what God calls us to do and where change truly happens, not to mention healing and restoration. Know that I am praying for you right now! Blessings, Kate

I’ve been married 6 months. I do not appreciate my husband’s naked body. Since we didn’t have premarital sex I wasn’t aware this might be a problem. He used to be pretty heavy and still could lose a few pounds but looks like an average overweight man. His face and personality are appealing but this is difficult so early on as newlyweds and spiritual advice has been lacking. I do not want to be superficial but it is difficult to ignore when it matters most.

Hi Jennifer,
We have had many husbands and wives share this sentiment with us!

A few thoughts:
1. What are you comparing him to? To all the images we are bombarded with?
2. As much as I understand what you are saying, you knew your hubby was overweight when you married him, you also knew that he has lost a lot of weight (and good for him)!

The thing I always share is that you should desire your hubby, not matter what! So you need to get down on your knees and ask God to restore that desire for your hubby!

Also recalibrate your compass and stop looking to medias images as your compass. God desires for you to desire your hubby!

I do understand where you are coming from, but telling you anything else would be wrong!

Remember that when you seek God and cry out to Him for help, that will not be returned void!

Keep seeking Him and how he wants you to be as a wife! Blessings, Kate

Why do I have to lie to her by telling her that she looks so good for her feel better, then not do anything about it because she would believe what I said, if you are over weight, you are over weight and you do not look good, that is what it is, accept it and do something about it, no man or woman out there wants a partner that is over weight, but people that are desperate because they don’t get anything, and that is not healthy either. If you are over weight, you are and who really loves you need to tell you.

Are you kidding me? All the men commenting on this agreeing with the husband from the original post must be perfect and have absolutely no physical flaws. Who knew these prefect specimens were out there, expecting life to skip over them and their spouses so that they can stay content. You may think your point of view is the norm for most men, but I think most real men who know that love is so much more than how much someone weighs would wholeheartedly disagree with you. I don’t say that as a woman who is just making up statistics. Many men I talk to would shake their heads that there are men out there like this. I feel for women who have to be in relationships with men who think this way and expect age/weight/life to not affect their wives.

So as a believer, I know that I must stay committed to my marriage. However, I also know that I have “destroyed my filter with inappropriate images” and one day hope to repair this, if its possible? Currently I feel like I’m serving a life sentence being married and I desperately want to be attracted to my wife, however I am not. And my desire for sex with her does not exist. I need help. And prayer.

Thank you for sharing your heart! Please know that God can repair your filter my friend. I have seen it done and it is a beautiful thing to see when a marriage is repaired in this way!

Keep seeking God with all your heart, pursue your wife and ask God to restore that desire for her. What were the things about her that you loved when you met her? Remember those things and then pursue her now, as she is! The lovely, mature version of that women! God intends for you to enjoy each other physically and desire each other always! Keep seeking God with all of your heart my friend because he loves you so much! He wants to restore this area of your life and marriage-never forget that!

Wayne, my husband was addicted to porn for over twenty years. His filter had been destroyed. He couldn’t see me, really see me. Until the night I walked away from him. That’s what it took for him to really claim victory over his addiction. When I came home and our marriage was restored, everything changed. God not only freed him from his addiction but he gave him new eyes to see me, and cleared out his filter. So it is possible!! Likewise, I didn’t feel any love for my husband when I first came home, and God redeemed and restored that too! God is a God of miracles!

Let me be the first to say that the author sounds like a tool. Let’s act like there is no responsibility for a wife to take care of herself or to try to maintain her hubby’s interest physically. The truth is that as society accepts that fat and lazy is ok this is going to be a prob. All I’m saying is where’s the pic of “brad” and mrs brad.

Hi Rob,
This IS “mrs. Brad” as you were asking about. Brad and I have our picture on our blog everywhere, so anyone who visits can see what we look like anytime-not that it matters one bit.

Please understand that while our blog is open to discussion, in fact we encourage it-it is NOT ok for you to personally attack my hubby or myself. Argue the points! If you disagree with our post-awesome, but leave the personal attacks out of your comments. Next time we find one from you, we will delete it. You forget that while there anonymity is on the internet, you are attacking real people, with real families and real feelings! God has asked us to share our story and His amazing plan for marriage. That is why we write.

Thank you Kate and Brad for this article and for being diligent to engage people’s comments. I needed to read this.

I’ve been married to my wife for over ten years. I’m a fitness professional. I’m inundated daily with images of how women should look. From the women I work with, to the women I see at the gym, to the women I see in fitness related social media. I recognized that my filter is different. I have ZERO confidence that I can change my filter to accept my wife in her overweight condition. I’m trusting in God’s grace to change me.

We’ve minimally talked about her weight and she recognizes she needs to lose and has expressed desire to lose weight. It’s a sensitive issue for her and I’ve learned that when I push, the opposite of what I want happens. So I stay on my heels and try to remain a resource for her (since this is what I do for a living!). Recently, I’ve REALLY struggled with my attraction to her. At times it has bothered me to the point of almost blurting it out to her. After reading how devastating it has been to other wives, I’m going to bite my tongue. I’ve made it a habit to look away when I see her naked body and it doesn’t look good to me. I do it because I’m trying to stay attracted to my wife and what I’m seeing isn’t helping!

I’ve been comparing her to what I see at work everyday. I wish I could take all of who my wife is and deposit her into a fit body. I don’t want her to look like another woman. I just want her to be her most fit self. I’d love to personal train her myself, but our work schedules and the kids’ schedules won’t allow it. I work 15-16 hours/day.

When she makes an effort to doll herself up, I take notice and tell her she looks nice, but that’s seldom. I hesitate to compliment her more because it would be insincere and she’d see right through me.

What’s interesting is recently her sex drive has picked up. Her love language is quality time and mine is physical touch. I never would’ve thought that I’d EVER reluctantly have sex with my wife due to a lack of attraction. For the first time I understood those times she reluctantly had sex with me.

All I know to do is trust in His grace to be sufficient. I love her, but this is very real and very problematic for me.

Nice article. Very ‘feel good’ stuff. While I agree with most of the fundamentals of what you’ve written, this just isn’t exactly the world we live in.

Eating disorders and obesity are 1st world issues. The human body was not meant to be obese (I think heart disease and diabetes prove that). Gluttony and sloth are 2 of the 7 for a reason. Yet we find pretty much half the population with spare tires and bingo arms, but we are supposed to be sensitive to it.

If you saw a heroine addict shooting up on the side of the road, would you feel compelled to try and change them?
What about an obese person at McDonald’s?

Now, I love my partner for a few reasons, but I have become increasingly less attracted to her over the past year. We have one child who is now 10 months old and she actually weighs more than her pregnancy weight, complete with stretch marks. She is 22 and I am 24.

Frankly, I’m a little scared to think of what another child will do to her.
She is not obese by any means, but it’s obviously enough that I had to resort to google for some advice.

She was petite when we met 7 years ago, when she didn’t have to make any effort to stay that way. But add a few years and now some effort is required to remain ‘fit’, and it’s just not happening.

Now before I’m labeled as a pig let’s analyze.

She was petite when I signed up for this. Admittedly that is one of the first things that attracted me to her. You can tell yourself that’s shallow, but it is the truth that attraction starts before the first words are spoken. You see somebody and assess them visually before you talk to them (except with modern technology this is rapidly changing). Anyway…She was thin when I signed up. Why is it OK to change the contract now? One of the things that attracted her to me was my wit/ability to make her laugh. What if I decide I don’t want to make her laugh anymore. Is that OK?

I understand that she went through a pregnancy. I get that. But the only thing holding her back from her thinner, healthier self is just a laundry list of excuses.

This is not just a physical issue. Her lack of discipline and desire to take care of herself (for both her, our child, and me) is equally unattractive to me. Being fat shows one of two things; 1) you have no drive/are lazy or 2) have a medical condition.
99.9% of the time it is scenario #1.

I know I come across as insensitive in writing this but please don’t think I am like this is person. I am never cruel to her about her weight. I don’t applaud her though when she drinks 2 liters of Pepsi within 24 hours. This is half venting and half advice seeking.

Then there’s the argument ‘Well love is more than physical attraction, you will not always look good. When you grow old you will no longer have your body and health etc… but you can still be in love’. I get that too. That day may come, but on that day, we will BOTH be old and out of shape. I diet and exercise hard to stay presentable, I expect at least some effort in return.

Your list:
– You have not destroyed your “filter” with inappropriate and unrealistic images of other women, (I am not a porn user, but am obviously an internet user. I am also a human being in a world of other human beings. It is not possible to go through the day without seeing a thin, attractive female, especially on gym days. We’re not talking photoshopped supermodels, just nice physiques the way God intended.)
– You accept the normal aging process, (As stated before, she is 22 and I am 24, age should not be an issue here.)
You don’t mind the impact that babies have on your wife, (understood, but I refuse to believe that one child at the age of 22 is the end of your physical well-being.) and
You have taken a hard look in the mirror (I work hard to keep in nice, muscular shape the way a capable, healthy man should. I have a good job and support and love my family. I try to keep things fresh with our relationship and be a good person. I am not perfect and I accept that, but I am human and am not crazy about the idea of spending many many years to come uninterested in sex with my partner.)

What if you were not thrilled with your wife’s looks when you got married, somehow you hoped she would improve her looks (yes, I must have been either really desperate, or delusional). Now, after 15 years of marriage, I can hardly look at her with any level of romantic interest.

On the good side, we get a long great, I downplay this weakness as much as possible, and hope it is not a big deal to her that I have never, and will never swoon over her.

Thank you for the article and for those who have shared their situations too. I am in a passionless marriage and I know it is because My “sexy” filter is broken. My wife used to be “text book” pretty and sexy, but is 52 now and the shine is gone.

I do avoid the “socially acceptable pornography:” no TV or movies that I find morally objectionable (so I seldom watch TV). I even turn my head when there are seductive ads on TV. My filter is still broken. I have accepted our society’s image of sexy.

I am faithful to my wife and plan to remain that way, but I am tormented by temptation. Women still find me attractive and I even have women half my age flirting with me. Of course, my ego loves that so I don’t discourage the flirting. I fear the lack of passion in my marriage and the availability of other options will parlay into some sinful, marriage-ending encounter. I have seen close friends go down in flames this way who I would never have believed would do it. Satan is glad to help too: I checked into a hotel tonight and the woman going off front desk duty for the day offered to come up to my room and warm me up. I declined, called my pastor, and found your website while searching for help (because I really wanted to accept her offer).

I pray about it, talk to Godly people about it, have gone to Pastoral counseling, and read lots of Christian books and articles about it. Now I am talking to you about it. Your concept of the filter really made sense to me. Any more filtering tips would be welcome.

Unfortunately I have lost all attraction for my wife. I do not look at porn or any “soft” magazines. She has treated me with open contempt. Its not so much that she does not show respect but that she actively shows disrespect. Her excuse is that she would treat a stranger the same way she treats me. When I tried to explain to her that when I am treated the same as a stranger is exactly the problem she got angry, and called me an *******. I have tried to love her in a way that is meaningful to her. I am not perfect but I have tried the whole “love your wife and she will show you the respect you desire” and it does not work at all. She won’t even admit that her behavior is disrespectful. I have asked her what I could do to show her love and have done those things. She does not care that deferring to other men in front of me and others has been hurtful. She thinks I need to just get over it without her acknowledging this. She has treated me like this for 17 of our 18 year marriage. I wasn’t always great and I don’t think everything is her fault. I have told her this. But I am struggling to be attracted to her and she gets so angry that I don’t come on to her. I have to literally remind myself to with calendar reminders. Its not hormones on my end, I’ve had them checked. If she asks how I feel about something and my response is not positive she gets angry. We had a talk about it and she did not believe me that a man could be turned off by this. Instead she insulted me, and told me at one time she thought I was gay. And that is supposed to motivate me. Here sister has insulted me and she was ok with it. We tried counseling and she is a different person in counseling. The last session she even told him that she has faults “everyone does”. But when we are home it’s a different story.
The worst part is that I cheated on her. Then left her last year. I betrayed my family and myself. Now things are even worse a year into reconciling. She says she was a good wife and thinks she did almost everything right. Now everything is worse. I told her I would no longer take all the blame for our marriage. That really made her angry. I told her I owned my actions for cheating.
I just don’t know what to do now. I want a happy marriage. I have tried the fake it till you make it and it has not worked. In fact it has made things worse for me.
I hope this does not sound too bitter. I am just desperate and frustrated.

I feel for you, man. I’m in the same boat. My wife had an affair and we ended up working through it and staying together, but now she is extremely disrespectful toward me (yelling, demanding, degrading) and she doesn’t even see it. She thinks she is ‘respectful enough’ and I should be satisfied with that. What she doesn’t realize is that every time she acts this way it slowly strips away the “wife goggles” and all I can see is a bitter old woman who seems to hate men. I have tried to discuss with her the issue of her disrespect, but she played it off like I was just being a baby.

All we can do, friend, is pray for our wives. It’s a matter of the heart and we cannot change it, it must be the work of the Holy Spirit that reveals to them their sin and changes them from the inside out. As angry as I get, I know I cannot quit or give up. I made a covenant before God to love this woman, and I do, despite the pain and frustration.

As for the loss of attraction I don’t know. I make myself available to my wife if she has need, as is my duty, but I find myself pursuing her less and less. I think it is wise to remain in prayer over the situation and to pay attention to avoiding any other temptations that can arise. Perhaps one could try approaching ones wife and talking about abstaining for a time, as prescribed in scripture, for prayer and fasting, then coming back together. Though I suspect some wives would be happy to oblige, I think most women, who desire to be pursued, would want to have a discussion as to WHY their husband is requesting this arrangement, and perhaps that can lead to a better discussion as to the problem. Unfortunately some women are still under the impression that men ALWAYS desire sex, and that we don’t need any other stimulation beyond seeing a naked body. They fail to understand that we are more complicated than that. Well….most of us, anyway.

I only prusue mine because its not worht the fight. Right now I am at a loss of what to do. She just does not care to make things right. And it makes her mad if I get my feelings hurt when she compares me.

I would not feel right about asking her to abstain because of prayer and fasting, because in my heart I would not be fasting for the correct reason.
The sad thing is that I made a covenant befre God too, and I find myself wishing she would just break the covenant because I won’t. 17 years of this has been tough.

This morning she told me f you, then called me a bas****, and a****le.

Mine doesn’t really want sex, she uses it to say she is being a good wife. Because that is all that is important. She even said she was a good wife because she won’t turn me down, altough since then she has several times.
I even had to set boundaries in place to protect my heart. I don’t ever say anything to another woman that would be complimented, because I know I am vulnerable. I have female co-workers that I have regulated how much I even talk to them.
Unfortunately in my case I think it is because of her mother. When she was growing up her mom would openly berate her husband. She would actually say that she always wanted a John Wayne and instead she got him. So for my wife this behavior is normal, and I am the one thats weird. She does not see the connection that her dad even said there was no “big love thing” between them. He used to not even sleep in the same room with her, and admitted that he had no desire for her. Its blatantly obvious to me. When she tells me she hates me I respond with a sincere- I love you. I make a choice right there in the face of her hate to love her. I don’t even get any respect for that. When she starts calling me names I walk away. But I think she does that on purpose to end the arguement. Because she just repeats it if I try to bring it up again. Then I get acused of bringing things up over ad over. But nothing ever gets resolved. I set an example to listen to her complaints and apologize as well as make necessary changes to myself but it makes no difference. The end reult has been that I have 0 desire for her.

As a bit of background, I’ve been married for 12 years, with two school age children. We are both in our mid forties. My wife, literally, is twice the woman she was when we met. I get it that it becomes harder to lose weight due to age and pregnancy. But seriously, she went from 110 to about 200 pounds! By way of comparison, I weigh about 15 pounds less than when we married.
My wife does not have to work, and the kids are in school all day. We have a housekeeper, we split the remaining chores and childcare evenly. She need not worry about the spending of money. I also support her elderly mother. She has no real responsibilities, and certainly no excuse for not being in tip top shape.
Since the birth of our second child, she has been slowly but effectively weening me off sex. Its been 10 months since we last had relations, but when she asked me for sex two weeks ago and I saw her naked, I politely declined. Yikes!
Any assistance would be helpful. I see her now more as a roommate rather than a partner in life. I don’t want to cheat, but I’m not dead yet.

My husband doesn’t care if I’m attractive or not. He won’t talk to me and hasn’t in a little over 40 years. Other men find me attractive! He hasn’t done anything for me in 46years except be a pain in butt. When I said I do things changed we had sex once in all these years but never again, he just ignored me and moved to the basement and we haven’t interacted since. He lives his life with out me I guess there isn’t any room for me. We live on the same piece of property and in the last few years moved to different building. In my mid 60s now and just don’t care any more, I have no reason to care. We exist as two different people, no love or communication and there won’t ever be.

You are absolutely right. No marriage change happens when you wait for the other person to start. It sounds as if both of you need some radical communication to figure out what has happened between you two!

Amy,
He sounds like an “Aspie”…one who exhibits traits of Asperger’s Syndrome….these men cannot connect, they cannot integrate with another human being. You are his caregiver, nothing more. And if he does not need sex, then neither do you, in his mind. This is known as “mind blindness”. They cannot put themselves in another’s shoes nor reciprocate loving behavior. The bigger question to ask, Brad, would be, how do loving, emotion women end up with these men? I had early childhood sexual trauma and so I chose mine because he was “safe” as in not sexually agressive before marriage. He ended up being anything but safe and emotionally raping me for 23 years before I finally stood up for myself and threw off the religious dogma that convinces a woman that she must sacrifice her happiness, humanness and her dignity for this thing called marriage. Enough said.

Last night my husband came to me and said “I need to talk to you now” he seemed like it was urgent so I got up went downstairs as not to disturb the children and he said ” I’m not sexually attracted to you, I’ve been suppressing it for years and I’m tired of doing that”. He went on to elaborate further about his feelings. Afterwards he asked me if I had any questions, comments or concerns…I was speechless as I am now. I slept on the couch because I felt embarrassed, and ashamed and I didn’t want him to see me any further and I did not want to see him. I have prayed about and asked God to let His will be done.

E. Williams, thanks so much for writing and sharing where you are. My heart breaks for the reality of what you experienced last night. While I do appreciate your husbands honesty, it is not ok! We often speak to one spouse that has lost attraction to their husband/wife. I always share with them, that God desires for you to desire one another! And he can restore anything in a marriage! Pray for your hubby, that God will work in his heart. I also think that seeking help would be good for your marriage. Seek out a pastor in your church or a Christian marriage counselor. Be sure that who ever you seek out is marriage positive. There are many who counsel on marriage, who are not marriage positive. Always remember that God desires good things for your marriage and that it is the enemy that comes to kill, steal and destroy! It can often seem like God is not for your marriage, but that is simply not true! Please know that I am praying for you and you can email is anytime if you would like to! Praying for healing and restoration! Kate

I am beyond frustrated. We’ve been married for almost 20 years and it’s like we barely exist in the same house. My husband has many issues and refuses counseling (personal counseling was recommended to him by our marriage counselor). He is literally emotionally stunted. He does not know how to have emotion or share it. He’s never told our kids he loves them, he never says anything remotely positive to me or anyone even though I give him several compliments (“I like that shirt on you.” “I can tell you’ve lost weight.”), he tells our boys that I’m lazy, etc. Yet, he’ll watch a touching commercial and be reduced to tears. What?? Everything is always someone else’s fault. A ladder he fell off of the other day was his brother’s fault for supplying a faulty ladder. The fact that he couldn’t fix his car one weekend wasn’t his fault–it was the employee’s fault at the hardware store for supplying false information. That is the pattern. You can imagine how difficult it is for our kids! “you’re stupid.” “What an idiot!” These are things my husband has said to them–especially our oldest.

He exercises several times a week and feels I should too…however…he fails to see why I don’t. We have 3 very busy boys (10, 13, & 14) who have activities going on. I keep the calendar (sports practices, band practices, band competitions, dr appts, birthday parties, school functions), do the cooking, shopping, manage their ADHD (meds, appts, school, personal coaching), deal with sports injuries and dr appts, volunteer for field trips, have basic conversations with what’s going on with their day…and I work full time. He gets up, goes to the gym, goes to work, comes home. He goes to bed and doesn’t say goodnight to anyone. Oh, there are projects he does around the house, but they’re never group projects. He’s in bed before the kids..afterall, he has to be at the gym early and if everyone cared about themselves, they’d do the same thing. He’s not there in the morning to help get these boys up and going, to remind them to groom, to rush them to school when they miss the bus, to do some last minute running around for a project that’s due… I honestly feel like a single parent most of the time. He maintains I don’t keep him involved. So when I go out on a limb to remind him of something, he’ll “forget”. Or “sorry, I got caught up.” Last night I called him after work to see if he was going to be home to take our middle son to an NBA game we had tickets for. He ignored my first call. The 2nd call was picked up with yelling and screaming, why am I bugging him, he’s driving, stop calling…I rarely call the man. He doesn’t answer! He hardly answers texts or claims to not get them. He is a horrible, horrible communicator and never tries to do anything about it…yet, in marriage counseling he claimed he misses intimacy. What?!

I could go on and on and on, but honestly, I’m at the end of my rope. He is missing out on SO MUCH with our family and it frustrates me when I’m sitting down (finally!) and he just looks at my belly in disgust. Seriously?? With everything we have going on and everything we’ve been blessed with, THAT is your focus??? Seriously? I can’t even pray for him anymore. I’m just spent. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. I’ve come to the conclusion that I cannot help or change him, but I can change my focus…and my focus is no longer having a happy marriage. And that’s sad. My focus is on building my own self worth, and my kids’ self worth because we deserve far better.

It’s been my plan for years that once the boys move on, I will too. My husband has not given me a reason why I should change it.

I really can not understand whey there is so much self deception on the part of Christian wives over the subject of sex. Life in a sexless marriage, Christian or otherwise, is a nightmare for a man. Like it or not, men are not aroused by overweight women. Unless I am unusual, an erection can only be achieved when aroused. So many Christian wives have deluded themselves in thinking that “he finds me attractive no matter how overweight I am” they are literally sitting on a sexual hand grenade with a loose pin.

These couples may have stopped having sex but, believe me, the only think keeping the man in the marriage is honor. Life in a sexless marriage, particularly one where the husband does not find his wife attractive, is a living hell for a man.

This is a very difficult issue that causes problems in many marriages however I think what is being overlooked here is that we live in a broken world in which we don’t always get what we want and we don’t always want what we get. I don’t think there is any silver bullet to this issue other than to pray that God gives you the ability to overcome your expectations and desires in regards to your partner. Commitment can be downright gruelling at times, marriage is like joining the army in that we don’t get to choose under what conditions we will serve. Good luck to you all and may God give you the strength to maintain your commitment.

[…] of our posts, which even though we wrote them long ago, get comments daily. One of those posts is, I Don’t Find My Wife Attractive Anymore. It is no shocker that attraction and desire are huge issues in marriage, or is it?? This is the […]

This article is a load of crap. Before everyone begins to make the ” o your a man, so of course it’s a load a crap” statement , let me explain. Men who were brought up in decent homes with a respectable parent or parents, were always taught to treat a woman like you would treat your mom. That theory is fine but it DOES NOT WORK for physical and emotional situations. I wish everybody would just call all this for what it is and just say, “Just like there are lazy men, there are also lazy women”. In some situations, it’s all mental or medical as far as in why a woman gains weight or decides to let herself go. In other situations, she’s just LAZY and has gotten too comfortable around her husband/boyfriend. Not to mention the family and girlfriends who don’t step up and say “Hey, it’s time for you to do a little less eating and little more exercise “. Don’t beat up on guys because we have an opinion about how women look. If a good majority of women (not all) would just take a step back and reevaluate themselves instead of using the cliche of a man as the problem, you would actually see a whole different side of the story. Ladies I know a lot of us men treat you like trophies and it’s very wrong BUT women are just as guilty. If we as couples want to at least TRY to achieve some common ground in relationships, walls have to be torn down and questions have to be asked. Try asking your men WHY exactly they don’t find you attractive or you FEEL they don’t find you attractive and I guarantee you’ll get a reaction of shock from him. Mainly because you didn’t go to your friends or the internet to get the answer, you went to him.

sorry if i sound really bitter. But, there are men who just need any excuse to cheat. My brother in laws’ been cheating on my sister since the last couple of years, with a woman half his age. He’s been denying it all along but its come out in the open now. FYI, my sister is still attractive in her early 50s, hasn’t put on that much weight since she never had any kids. she had health issues.
its just the way some men are. in my brother in law’s case, i think he went through a mid life crisis, but its really its toll on their marriage of 18 years. you can’t keep blaming the wives for your wanting to be with someone better looking, younger than your own spouse etc…. How would you feel if women started feeling this way too, after several years of marriage, finding their spouses unattractive and looking for someone younger and so on?

Still, honestly, i have seen plenty of dedicated husbands who stay faithful throughout the years of married life.

I’m sorry Man, but I have missed reading the verse that says, love your wives like Christ loves the Church until such time that she gains 70 pounds. Our marriage vows say in Sickness and in Health. If we are supposed to stick by in illness, why not weight gain? Is it lazy sometimes, yes. However no one ever solves laziness by criticizing the person. Maybe you need to think about ways to LOVE her through it…

Beautifully put, Brad! Thanks for giving me hope. Maybe some day my husband too can focus on loving me for better or worse in lieu of using language to belittle me and make me feel worse then I already do.

[…] “I’m Not Attracted to My Husband Anymore“, and my still wildly popular “I Don’t Find My Wife Attractive Anymore” brought up the extremes of dealing with attraction. This is a battle that almost every […]

My husband and I have been married almost 18 years. Happily for the most part. Sex has not been an issue, but no matter what I ask him, I can never get a real answer, or at least it appears that way. We have talked openly and candidly about things, and it’s interesting that what he physically finds attractive in a woman, I am not. Although, it’s more specific things, as he’s definitely attracted to me. I know he loves me and we pray for our marriage. Porn has been a problem in the past, more than once.
But, here’s my issue:

We have a place for the night for Valentine’s night. The first time ever in our marriage. I tried to talk to him about what he may want or like, just as I have before, but I can’t get much of a response. I went and looked at lingerie and left because I just don’t know what he likes. He skips around the topic. I “see” what he looks at in other women, but I’m not built that way! I’m not sure if it’s he fears rejection or he knows how self conscious I am and in the past our honest conversations have hurt. I have worked up the nerve to put something on and try to be adventurous, but I am the adventurous one, not him. I am just more self-conscious because although I am not overweight, age and gravity is a factor.

Because of our schedules, and my final son’s schedule (who is on the downhill slide to graduation, college looking, SAT prep courses, football, etc etc etc) we talk a lot via text during the day because our evenings are crowded with our son and can’t find time to talk. But, our last conversation was my asking him what he had in mind for Valentine’s. His response, maybe sex before dinner and after. He asked what I wanted, I told him I was focused on trying to please him, but when I think about it, I get stumped. I told him about the lingerie and that was it. We got busy. The second set of texts came with the same questions again more or less and he just responded with “I know you were looking at something to wear” and that’s all I could get. Not what he wants, doesn’t want, ANYTHING! I told him today needed to talk but it seems like both of us are avoiding it now. I really feel like I do not know my husband, like he just keeps his thoughts to himself. We have had this discussion for years and it never changes.

I am starting to feel like he doesn’t truly desire me. It’s more like, I’m his wife, he should be having sex with me, he enjoys sex with me, so ok. I mean, our sex life seems pretty good, it’s just gotten stale. I just feel like he’s not desiring me anymore, it’s just intimacy and marriage. I want him to “desire” me. He does not understand this. I have bluntly told him this.

OK, with all I’ve said, can you give me some idea of what the heck he’s thinking?

Thanks ever so much! I stumbled across your website today and it must have been for a reason. I am soaking it up! Thanks for all you guys do!

Hi Stephanie, Thanks so much for writing and sharing where you are. It is not easy to talk openly about where we are and what fears we face in marriage. A couple of thoughts came to mind as I was reading what you have shared. I think perhaps your hubby just wants you to pick the lingerie out. He wants to see what you find a choose. Many times we want to know what our husband likes and that is great, but sometimes it is nice when we just completely surprise them. They like that because we are thinking of them and they know it. Don’t worry so much about missing the mark with “what he likes” and find something that you like and flatters you, making you feel sexy! Don’t focus on what you don’t have, focus on who God made you to be and what looks nice on you! The reality is you are going to feel much more confident in that, then in something that isn’t flattering to you.

The other thought that I would keep in mind is that if your hubby has had issues in the past with pornography, he might not want to look at lingerie sights with you, because honestly they can be a downhill slide for those who struggle with porn. He also might not want to voice what he likes because he fears that you will wonder why he likes that and where he got that idea from. He may be trying to keep his mind clear of all of that stuff and just focus on you! On what you choose and wear. I bet whatever you pick out, he is gonna love. Love how you look in it and love that you took the time to pick that out for him!

I know it is super hard to not read into our hubby’s actions. What he says and what he doesn’t say. It is so hard at times. I found myself doing that very thing this morning as I was brushing my teeth. I stopped myself and said, “don’t go down that trail! There is no reason to think that and read into that!” 1 Cor. 10 says that we can take those thoughts captive and honestly we need to do that.

I realize I am on the outside looking in, but it sounds to me like your hubby loves you and adores you. He chose you! Remember that! Don’t worry about all the women he didn’t choose. If you truly feel like there is a disconnect, find a time when you two can talk and share your heart with him. Share that you love him, desire him and want to continue to grow together in your marriage, through all stages of life. Share what is on your heart, but avoid pointing fingers or accusing. Just share your desire for your marriage. After sex is a great time to share those types of things. We tend to be more grace filled, soft and caring after we have shared sex together.

Lastly, keep seeking to be the wife God is calling you to be! Serving, loving and respecting your hubby! Let me know if you have other thoughts or if I can help in any other way! I am lifting you and your hubby up right now! Blessings, Kate

Thanks for the words. I read them and have sat and thought on them since then. As a matter of fact, when I got your response, I pulled it up and read it several times taking it in and then decided to show the posts to my husband. While we were not in a position to talk about it, he read it and told me he agreed with your response and we could talk later. We never talked. I took a day off today just to be able to sit and cry my emotions out. With Valentine’s Day this Saturday, I’m left feeling empty. I have had this conversation with my husband on so many occasions over our marriage, that it’s pointless. Your comment about my husband looking at porn and maybe not wanting to look at lingerie is a very good point I had never considered before. Do men not see lingerie though and think “wow, I’d like to see xxxx in that?” Your statement above “He also might not want to voice what he likes because he fears that you will wonder why he likes that and where he got that idea from. He may be trying to keep his mind clear of all of that stuff and just focus on you! On what you choose and wear. I bet whatever you pick out, he is gonna love. Love how you look in it and love that you took the time to pick that out for him!” is the very reason I can’t do it. I guess because I don’t know how he would react. How can he struggle so much when I am here, a willing partner, ready to do or be pretty much anything he desires if he just told me? These things leave me feeling empty because he doesn’t talk to me. The one time in our marriage where his demeanor really changed, I thought there was something going on. He had changed careers and was “changing.” Anyway, our discussions lead him to tell me that he was looking, just thinking about what else he might want. He never acted. We moved passed it. Temptation is obviously a problem in this world, with the way our society is. I get it. What I don’t get is why would this temptation be so strong that he can’t even focus on me? Today, I gave up.

I found this site, and I guess after reading all these comments, I’m one of these rare husbands who struggles to find his wife attractive. She had steadily gained weight every year of our 8 years of marriage. I wish it wouldn’t matter to me, but it does. I’m probably an idiot, because I’m not able to hide my feelings, so I’ve made it very known that I would like her to lose weight. I probably should have never said anything, but I just can’t deny a feeling this strong about something this important to me.

I love her, but I am not very sexually attracted to her. I hate this feeling. I feel like she hates me for every saying anything, but I would feel just as miserable and still feel the same way even if I had never told her how I feel. I think that she intentionally is trying to gain weight or not lose weight just to spite me now, because of the way I feel about her weight.

I just don’t know what to do. I need to lose weight too, but it doesn’t seem to matter to her, as she only ever has said something about it, just to “get back” at me. I feel lost and trapped.

Hi Christian, thanks for writing and sharing. I don’t think you are rare, simply because many people write and share that they are in a similar place-hence the readers question above and our post. We have written other posts on it as well.

I would encourage you to seek God and as for him to fill you with desire for your wife. For him to help you see her like He sees her. The other thing I would encourage is that you love her and serve her as you promised on your wedding day. Your encouragement and love for her can be like a balm to her soul. All women and many men struggle with body image, even if they look great. I know that I personally like to keep myself in shape for my hubby, but a huge part of that is because he believes in me, he tells me that I am beautiful and he loves me where I am. That motivates me so much more then him saying where I need to improve. Your wife already knows where she needs to improve, trust me-we know every inch that needs improved. I say that not to judge, but to let you know-she knows!

The only thing we can do in marriage when something isn’t what we had hoped it would be is to continue to love and serve our spouse as God is calling us to do in His Word and to keep working on ourselves. Asking God how we can change and be better. Loving your wife as Christ loves her is going to speak volumes to her and encourage her to change, because she is loved and supported.

Thanks for your reply Kate. I think I have done what you advised as far as asking God to change my feelings. I think where I struggle is knowing how to practically love and serve her in ways that overcompensate for me feeling this way.

The fact remains that her knowledge that I feel this way overshadows everything else that I say and do so that at the end of the day no matter what I say or do, her thought process is “but what he really wants is for me to get my body back.”

I love my wife and she has a beautiful face, but I can’t lie to myself or her (I’m not wired for flattery) regarding my feelings about her weight. I made some stupid remarks very early in our marriage, and even though I’ve repented and asked forgiveness, I think that will always hang over me – it’s always her card to play if we get into any kind of argument – how insensitive I was 5+ years ago.

We’re trying to work out together and that’s improving, but the problem is 90% food. We’re not “marathon runners”, so we’re never going to be able to exercise enough to compensate for the diet that would considered “normal” for us.

I’m a tall guy (and getting large in the other direction as well), and my wife wants to eat nearly as much as me. The problem is with food. It’s an addiction, and nothing seems to be successful.

I just want to be able to demonstrate my love to her, but I feel like she will see any words or actions as tainted because deep down she knows that I want her to lose weight, and I feel like as long as I want her to lose weight (whether that’s vocalized or not – which I try my absolute best to not state this directly), it’s going to make her NOT want to lose weight either out of just despair OR to actually spite me for feeling that way.

Hi Christian, thanks for writing again and sharing more of how you feel. A couple of things come to mind. . .

You are right that the past often haunts us and your wife might very well be thinking about your past comments, but you can’t let that stop you from moving forward and being the husband God is asking of you. I agree that we are not suppose to lie in marriage. But we also have a choice about how we say things to our spouse and what we say to our spouse. Not every thought that enters our head needs to come out of our mouth. So seeking to choose loving ways of telling the truth, meaning you are telling her you value and love her above all things-including her weight, is key! We always have choices. And just because we say we are telling the “truth” doesn’t make how we stated the truth ok!

I think also that my point in my last comment wasn’t explained well. I am not suggesting that you fake something, I am encouraging you to pray and ask God to restore your physical attraction to your wife, no matter what she looks like. It can be done! I have seem God work in many couples hearts to do just that. Ask God to give you his eyes for your wife. You have to want to be open and want God to make this change in you. Pray and ask for his help! Then you can truly show her how you love her body.

We all look at our spouses at times and notice how much they have changed physically. I look at myself and know how I have changed. My hubby has changed. We have been together for over 20 years. Change is inevitable. I love the man he has become, including the less hair, few extra pounds and amazing leader of our family. I appreciate all of him. It is a choice and something we need God’s help with.

As for food being an addiction, I agree. It certainly can be and is for many people. I also know it is one of the harder addictions to address because it is something everyone still needs on some level. That being said, I would encourage you to seek God on what your role is in helping your wife. Calling her out and questioning her food choices is probably only going to drive her to the food. I really doubt she is doing it out of spite. But you helping in driving her to the food, by how you choose to talk to her and treat her is not a good thing. If she truly has an issue she will need to discover why she eats as a comfort. I know when we had out two biological babies, I needed my hubby to love me while I worked to get back to what I looked like before. If he had been negative or turned off, I have no doubt it would have driven me to either starve myself or to overeat (both which I have had experience with).

You are not the end all in her life, God is. But God has also placed you in a very special place in her life. Love her for who she is and stop focusing on who she is not! I believe if she feels honestly safe and loved by you, then she will seek to better herself. When you, as a husband share your love, support, trust, care and respect with her-she will reflect it.

I know this is not easy for you and I appreciate you reaching out. It is a brave step, but what is even more brave is to seek God and love her as he does and the Bible directs you to. The choice is yours. I believe wholeheartedly, that your attitude and love for her can deeply impact her for the good, if you choose to love her as God does. I know you will fall short at times, because we cannot do it alone. We need God-all the way. Know that I am lifting you both up right now!

It might help to stop telling her what you don’t like and remind her of what you do like and why you fell in love with her to begin with. Maybe you need to apologize for putting so much emphasis on her appearance rather than her health..?
Be an encouragement to her… work out together! Tell her you know you need to work on getting in shape and that you want to do it together. Set goals you can both stick to and accomplish.
My husband and I exercise together and talk while we go and we find ourselves more attracted to each other afterward…

Beauty is what your spouse finds attractive. You can suggest that “real” beauty is inside. Maybe it is for you. But is that true for your spouse?

After all, I see many critical comments regarding the men who where honest and shared with their wives the state of their heart.

So let me get this straight, you get to judge what you find attractive coming out of his mouth or heart, but he has no right to say what he finds attractive when he looks at you.

That’s called a double standard.

If a husband can’t tell his wife he doesn’t find the 100# she put on since the wedding attractive, then she can’t say she doesn’t find his manner of conversation unattractive.

The truth is, true intimacy requires honesty. If you want to know your spouses heart, if you want real intimacy, you have to be open to them sharing without being punished or judged to be too shallow or whatever criticism you might raise.

Dr Willard Harley suggest that when a spouse shares what he calls a Love Buster, something you do or don’t do that destroys romantic love for your spouse, that’s important information. It’s not comfortable, it’s like getting an overdraft or insufficient funds notice from your bank, in this case, your spouses love bank. But it would be worse if they didn’t tell you and you continued on in behaviors that don’t build romantic love, but tear it down.

So to those criticizing those who are emotionally mature enough to be open and honest with their spouse, image the larger hurt if they didn’t tell you, if they didn’t give you the information needed to make your romantic relationship with your spouse better.

Remember, just like he doesn’t get to tell you what meets you emotional needs for things like conversation, you don’t get to define for him what meets his needs for physical attractiveness.

That’s what each of you signed up for when you married. You vowed to love your spouse in the way they desire to be loved. You have no more right to change your spouses preferred emotional or romantic needs than he has the right to change yours.

Wow, I’m enjoying all of these posts. There’s some good advice and real pain being expressed here.

Men are more attracted to physical appearance than are females. This is seen as a flaw, due to the relative and innate immaturity of males. If there are any doubts about this unspoken concept, just read all of these posts. Its a common thread.

Females hope that males will mature and the importance they place on physical attractiveness will lessen. And actually, you ladies are right. We do need to grow up.

But I am sorry, that’s how men are. We like pretty girls, and we always will. Just watch how an elderly church going and Godly man lights up when an attractive female talks to him at the doctors office, restaurant, wal-mart, etc. If you have an issue with that reality, take it up with our Creator.

So, yes, you are right. It takes God to make both males and females survive and mature and thrive in a relationship over decades. Period.

I know what is to be humiliated and rejected daily…. And worse since the beginning of our marriage…. My husband told me many times he don’t feel attracted for me …. That I need to loose weight and I’m fat…. But he is super fat… The pain I feel daily is enormous I cry pretty much every day because I can’t believe I married someone that ignores totally the fact I’m a human being with feelings. . He says he loves me but love for me is unconditional no matter what I will love him…. That’s make me wonder what is going to happen when I get older … He can’t handle live with a young woman imagine one with wrinkles … All I know is there is many ways to tell but directly is never a good one I’m trying to recovery but I can’t get over….. I always was a beautiful woman and I’m still are even having a little weight I’m still beautiful… I’m intelligent and with confidence…well I was with confidence… Because the fact I know my husband don’t find me attractive stop me by making any sexual movement …. I always was neural free… And good in bed because I’m very open mind and accept anything in bed but it just turned me down because why I will try something knowing nothing will happen…. This subject affect all my life… Till the point that I’m becaming ugly because no Matter what I dress or my lingerie… Or make up nothing will make difference soo I just stopped trying to be beautiful…. And I refuse to turn a diva like I always was just to be loved by well MY HUSBAND…. That’s was supposed to be part of the contract already…. But sadly is not …. I don’t know what to do … I’m about to just give up and move on… Because I can’t suffer anymore… I just are good for one thing to him…. Cook and clean (thing that I started to not to so good since I’m not a maid) …. I have 37 years and weight 140 pounds …..

Cannot help but be disappointed in the lack of comments from a man’s perspective and the amount of open and accepted chastising and discreet shaming from women on here.

While a lady’s relationship input is of great importance in every marriage ON A WHOLE……….this specific topic is not about that. The subject is “…FIND MY WIFE ATTRACTIVE…”. Since the comment/community portion of this blog has been hijacked by irrelevancy, it is of value to do some clear and frank explaining here…….

See, a man’s brain functions in categories (very specific categories)…….with little to zero connection from one to the next. This is due to proven physical neuroligical differences between men and women. Our brains function differently. Period. It is part of what makes a man a man, and a woman a woman. God’s design for us is complementary, so criticising a man over this difference in raw makeup is not only deeply unfair and a set-up for his failure, but is a criticism against God’s very design for us. Men DO NOT and CAN NOT think like women. When they do try however, whether out of love OR desperation, more often than not it results in falling short, misinterpretation, confusion, disappointment, spite, and then bitterness. Not good. It is dysfunctionally misplaced to EVER ask a man to function or think as a woman would and therefore misplaced to have any comments here by women who do not accept God’s design of a man and who have not embraced those nuances wholeheartedly, wholemindedly, and othercenterdly.

A man’s sexual attraction is purely that, sexual attraction. It is a blend of two things only.
A: appearance
B: learned sexual association
No more. No less. But both absolutely necessary TOGETHER for a fullfilling sexual experience to be achieved for a man.

Unfortunately ladies, whether you want to hear this or not, emotional connection is irrelevant. Necessary for a beautiful, intimate, and lasting relationship, yes. But it DOES NOT create carnal arousal for a man. Remember, we’re discussing sexual attraction……physical stimuli and chemical responses within his brain…….not love. Sex and love are boxed in entirely separate categories in a man’s brain……two entirely different sports if you will. Nevertheless, they are mutually exclusive categories where one DOES NOT require the other.

Example 1 – A man can love a woman deeply and with utter commitment…..but not be sexually aroused by her in any way whatsoever

Example 2 – A man can be sexually aroused by a woman’s appearance combined with her association to sexual activity….but not “know” her or “love” her in any way whatsoever.

Any thoughtfully mature man/husband accepts that the physical rose of a woman will fade. It is inevitable – due to natural aging, sometimes the bearing of children, and possibly due to tragedy. And that’s okay. WHEN he is also able to embrace and take stock and clarity in that while the physical rose fades, the emotional rose has budded and is blooming. But he kneeds to ALWAYS be shown the rose.

So ladies, during the years it is possible for you to be that physical rose to your spouse, it is inherently irresponsible and selfish to not be. If you were thin and fit when he first met you, it is naive to think he would be physically attracted to a fat and out of shape woman. And vice-versa from large to thin. Either way, letting yourself go by choice and through some sort of justifiable comfort zone is a selfish and destructive move that will ultimately deteriorate your sexual relationship with your spouse unnecessarily, prematurely, and unfairly place an onus on him to accomodate and fake through.

So,

Ladies : Holding your man accountable to be something against God’s design for him is pure selfishness and is quite frankly a repugnant and purposeful evasion of that design out of convenience’s and laziness’ sake.

Men : You are not out of line to feel a level of inadequacy when not attracted to your spouse physically. You should. It is without a doubt an inadequate situation.
If the changes are due to uncontrollable circumstances, grow some maturity and let it go. Begin taking stock in the emotional, respectful, and loving connection you have with your spouse.
But if your carnal desires have been thwarted by a big change in her physical appearance due to her own choices and you do not get aroused by that appearance, do not…..I repeat…. DO NOT make it your responsibility to accept accountability toward that. It goes against your design, will tear you apart mentally, and will ultimately result in the destrustion of your relationship overall.

I dont really disagree with any of your points, but you do seem to ignore the fact that there are women who are older, just plain old, or who have had a few kids who are in reality still physically attractive to men. I know some older women who I and men their age think are very physically beautiful and honestly im single and ive had a child and a rough pregnancy and i have no shortage of men of all kinds of ages and walks of life who’d like to pursue a relationship with me. I have friends who’ve had children also and some of them are still gorgeous and are not only desireable to their husbands but other men still find them attractive aswell. And by the same token that it inst fair to bash men for the way god designed your brains, we shouldnt be bashed for the way he designed our bodies either. If it made god happy for all women to have giant boobs and butts and tiny waists they would, and if he wanted us to look the same after bearing children we would but women come in different shapes and sizes because that is simply the way he made us. Women arent exactly doomed to be physically unattractive to men because of child birth or old age either, that probably wasnt the message you tried to convey but it sort of came off that way. But im not a man so it probably would sound different to me.

He clearly spelled out that aging is natural. Men realize and accept this. There is a difference in aging/putting on weight “over the years” and completely letting one’s self go.

Men *do not have control* over that which arouses them. None. Zero. If a man marries a 140 lb woman, chances are pretty good that he didn’t go into the marriage being aroused by 210 lb women. If she ends up weighing 210, his making a promise to be her mate for life has nothing to do with his natural desires. Or, lack thereof.

Hi everyone!
Im a 21 year old single mother of a beautiful boy who i am very blessed to have, ive been through a lot in the past few years. My boyfriend needless to say wasnt nice to me and abandoned myself and our wonderful son. I used to be very shapely and pretty but when i got pregnant and became very sick to a point of death and nearly lost my son and gained only a few pounds shy of my original body weight, but because i believed that the lord would save us from death he did and im now taking care of my son with no child support and no help besides my mom watches him while im at work. My mom and dad took care of me for the whole first year so i could stay at home with my son and heal and thanks to God and my parents help i only have five more pounds to lose until i reach my pre baby weight, my stomach looks really good and ive returned to looking in many ways the same as i did before my son was born. I couldnt have done any of these things if i hadnt believed that God would fix all those problems and he has. And i couldnt have dont it without lots of help.

Anyway enough about me, what i would suggestion to help you husbands out would be not to give up or quit praying or to give up on loving your wife unconditionally and you shouldnt necessarily feel bad about wanting her to take care of her appearance.

What i think you should do is this-do not use the word divorce when you try to tell her she needs to fix up or lose some weight because that word is hurtful and will keep your wife from trusting you and hearing your true meaning. It will only drive a wedge between you.

You should always love your wife tenderly and as a part of yourself, and she deserves your respect but your wife belongs to you and you have the right to tell her to do anything and as your wife she should respect you and do it. Just try saying “honey go put on a nice dress so i can take you out tonight ” or “okay its time for us to go on a walk together” “”make sure you drink water today” and let her know it makes you happy when she obeys you. Try to word things in a nice way without degrading her, but also dont let her have the option to say no. Just tell her that you love her and you arent leaving her but she has to lose the weight or dress better or whatever because she is yours and you do have the right to require that she keep up with her appearance more. That sounds chauvinistic but the Bible says that your wife belongs to you, and just as God tells you what to do and tenderly loves and has mercy on you you as the husband have the right to for lack of better words order her around and the responsibility to love, care for and look after her as much as you would any part of yourself even if shes fat and old.

Your wife looks to you for affirmation and approval so dont be skimpy about it! If your wife wants you to pat and praise her this week because she lost two pounds by all means do it! Then she’ll feel more confident in herself and also in your love for her. And just think of it this way, if your wife loses two pounds every week for five weeks, shed have lost ten pounds. You might not care about two pounds, but wouldnt you notice if she lost ten? And after the first ten pounds it just keeps getting better. Your wife may also need to lean on you for help with the kids or household chores while shes losing weight, just like i had to lean on my parents when i was working hard every day to regain my body and health, so be generous about helping your wife achieve her weight loss goals. You helped put the weight on her by asking her to risk her health her body and even your love for her so that the two of you could raise a family together, the least you can do is cheer her on and help her make time every day to beautify herself.

And ladies, i know its so much easier to lose weight when you’re my age but you can still do it too! Just ask for help and you’ll recieve it, i know it feels vain praying for help to become prettier but god knows your and your husbands wants and needs before you ask him and if you do and believe that he will hes sure to help you! Theres nothing unnatural or wrong with wanting to be sexy to your husband, so its not wrong to ask for. Just work on it and give it your all and you wont be dissappointed with the results c:

Ive never been married and obviously my relationship didnt work out, but i dont think thay makes my thoughts about marriage totally invalid. My parents have been married for nearly forty years and my mom is ..lets just say she looks like a grandma her age and my dad, although hes a great dad and loves us both very much, has been a jerk regarding my moms appearance my whole life so i have a little perspective on the subject, however little it may be lol

Nothing says unsexy like the attitude of “I don’t want to exercise you made a vow this is how I look so get over it”. No clothes do not make the woman. How she cares for herself and cares enough to do what she can to stay fit and active and attractive for herself first and her husband makes all the difference in the world. No matter if you are a man or woman you can’t just let years of neglecting your physical appearance happen and expect your spouse to continue to be attracted to you. He may have said for better or worse but good grief don’t give him the worst because you don’t want to do what it takes. why would you leave such an unnecessary burden as poor health due to inactivity, what ever the reason, laziness or hard headedness, for someone you supposedly love, to deal with? Get up dang it. Move. A healthy fit active spouse is what your spouse should be presented as an example of your love and care and respect for them.

I would like to co-sign on what Mitch Bramlitt is saying. Our world is filled with constant fuselage of mild pornagraphy. To put it quite frankly, the temptation to have an adulterous affair is ever present. I noticed that in the original article personal responsibility was not mentioned or barely glazed over. For any spouse to neglect their body because their loved one should except them for who they are is quite naive. My profession requires that I travel often. Dear Lord, let me tell you that me simply knowing how attractive my wife is and how willing she is regarding our sex life matters. It is way easier for me to stop a potential adulterous affair in its infancy when I know that I am coming home to a wife that cares about her body. I do not want to ruin that or any aspect of our marriage. These words are rough, but they are not as rough as a divorce. On the contrary, the men that I travel with whom have wives that have given up on their bodies, ouch. You can probably fill in the rest of the story. It hurts me whenever I see this intricate part of marriage fail because I understand the real need from the male perspective. For any potential female reader… Your body is important to your husband. Your body also belongs to him according to 1Cor7:4. My wife doesn’t like it whenever I get too skinny. So, guess what I do, I love her and prioritize her desire and get my tail into the gym. I want to keep her coming for me as much as I want to come after her.

Thank you to the author of this article and to those who have written in and shared their circumstances. I am a father of three wonderful daughters and up until recently have been happily married for 14 years. Unfortunately, after our third child, the wife I knew and loved has essentially disappeared. I understand that a new child creates changes that are incredibly difficult, but also ultimately the most rewarding part of life. With our first two children my wife eventually came back to being my wife– she would remember that physical intimacy is very important to me and to our marriage. I know now though that she has written off ever having another child, and it is as if our marriage has imploded. We’ve had issues through the years with her mother and passive-aggressive behavior she exhibits to control and manipulate those around her. Earlier in our marriage my wife had agreed to see a counselor to work on her own issues with passive-aggressive abuse she displayed to me (backstabbing, feigning ignorance, throwing me under the bus with the kids or in-laws, etc). She had made great progress and our marriage was improving considerably. After the third baby though it is as if she has regressed completely to become the same human being as her terrible, mean-spirited mother (please believe me that I tried very hard to foster a positive relationship with her mother but it was not possible– her other children have disavowed her and are estranged from her by choice). I love my children more than anything on earth. I provide everything for our family financially and always try to do more around the home. I’m a physician and worked hard to provide a home in a great community for our family. I bring flowers home. I do laundry. I clean the dishes. I tell my wife how attractive she is. But since our third child was born it has been exactly like the author suggested– my wife’s passive-aggressive behavior and “what’s between her ears” have made her completely unattractive. She’s a stunning, physically gorgeous woman. At 38 she turns heads at the gym. But it kills me to admit I can’t stand her anymore, and it feels like an end of our marriage. I read a post somewhere that people with passive-aggressive personality disorders will never change and are beyond help. I can’t leave my children though, as to be honest, the thought of them growing up as a product of divorce makes me want to die.

I don’t even know why I’m writing all this beyond wanting to air my sadness and desperation. The wife I married has disappeared and has been replaced by a passive-aggressive, physically attractive but completely unappealing woman who always gets her way first. Last night for the first time in weeks she actually came to bed and removed her sweatpants, and you would think I “owed” her a hallelujah choir for the privilege to please her in bed. Don’t get me wrong, I find her physically attractive and take great happiness in making sure she is satisfied first when we have fun. But she always gets satisfied first, and I’m left hung out to dry fairly regularly. I used to think that was just the way it goes in life, but now I can’t take it anymore. She thinks that just by removing her sweatpants I should spring into action knowing full well that there’s a high percentage chance she will be satisfied and I won’t. Am I just nitpicking or painting too one sided a story? I can only imagine how she would react if any of this came to light. I don’t want my marriage to dissolve, but in many ways it feels like it already has. Thank you for listening to my, you know, not very uplifting diatribe. I wish that all of you who are also struggling can find happiness in your life and marriage again.

Much of it is about perceived effort – at least for me. My wife *could* be very good looking. She is thin, long hair, etc. the building blocks are there. But she insists on wearing baggy sweatshirts, going out of the house with her hair wet, no makeup, etc.

It’s the complete lack of effort that is the real turnoff for me. Like the saying goes, there are no ugly women – just lazy ones.