10 Ways Numbers Aren’t Completely Useless

1. Numbers allow you to count down bullets in dramatic action movies. Essentially, numbers have singlehandedly invented the concept of suspense.

2. Your roommate will never again ask you, “Hey, how many cockroaches do we need to purge from our living space?” because the number will appear to them in a vision, as numbers do.

3. Numbers are super helpful in fairy tales, which wouldn’t be the same without the rule of three and the occasional special seven.

4. Need to know how many words are in the books on your shelves? Numbers have your back!

5. Thanks to numbers, you can lie about your cell phone contact information to bad dates.

6. Quantifying your regrets is now a possibility, e.g. “I have tripped into 23 literal and figurative piles of garbage this month, and every single one of those instances is a thing that I wish had not happened.”

7. Without the existence of numbers, how would men be able to explain that women are bad at math?

8. Numbers enable you to put every aspect of your life into neatly labeled boxes like the tiny apartment you live in that probably has a square footage that is determined by a number because what isn’t determined by numbers these days?

9. Pianos would be nothing without the general understanding that they have 88 keys.

10. This list could not exist without numbers. This list is having an existential crisis right now. What would this list do if this list did not exist? This list is going to sleep off the paranoia now.