Tag Archives: forgiveness

So curiosity has struck me because I keep seeing “Illinois” plates EVERYWHERE, and Erin suggested that it might be Ashley “thinking” about me. This started on Memorial Day, and it’s been nuts – like, they will randomly jump out in front of me and are literally EVERYWHERE. Anyway, so tonight, I can’t remember what prompted me, I googled Ashley’s name and stuff with her mother came up. Before I go there, I wanted to say that it said Ash lives in Chicago… “Mylife” pretty much reveals everywhere you have lived… it even mentioned that Ash lived in Wisconsin..

So a few things… first off, I think it is very eerie that Ashley’s mom was on the news a couple years ago and traded in her silver dollars… when I literally collect them and buy them off people. I literally (call it “luck” or what – actually, I think it’s karma, because I had some stolen from me in the past) paid $22 for 3 of them, and they together are worth $2,000. The guy at the Fairgrounds said that he thought they were “fake,” but they turned out to be real!

I want to apologize to Ashley for not being there… I didn’t have any idea she had passed sine Ashley cut me off right around the time of this article… if I had known that, I would have literally, flown to this funeral and been there with Ashley. I am not exaggerating; I would do anything for that woman, and to support her… her grandmother was such a beautiful, nice, strong woman. She died around the time Ashley and I met… “March.” Granted, 8 years later. Still, I do not remember the last time that I heard from Ashley…

The last conversation I had with her was while I was at the mall in New Jersey with Erin shopping for Mac’s… we had gone to the Mac store, then to the Disney store (for Erin), then to a food equipment store, and I had called Ashley somewhere in between… I think in the Disney store… and I had told her that I would be going to South Korea to teach English. I am not sure of the month, but I honestly think it was right around the time her grandmother had passed… I had/have never heard from Ashley since, except that she no longer wanted to talk with me should my “feelings” come between her and a “future” relationship.

I wish I had the email from Ashley that she sent me departing our own ways, but I don’t… I closed the account… I might actually have it in a blog, I would have to check… Irregardless, I am shocked to learn that her grandmother passed, and I am more saddened than anything to have not been able to be a part of Ashley’s support during this trying phase, especially since she was there when my father passed away.

I just signed the guestbook… I will probably go and pay my respects and put flowers on her grave soon.

Some errie coincidences are coming up with this search… As I posted in a previous entry, I had a dream that Teresa bought a house… well, on one of the searches it says a house was either sold or purchased on April 21st 2012 to Teresa via Majestic Homes – IF it’s the same Teresa! Weird weird weird… I do not have a connection like this with anyone else… the only two other experiences I have had were with my stray cat, “Buckeye,” 15 years ago and my ex, Jen… so strange. Only Ashley.

2450 Estancia Lane… I am sorry, but this cannot get any creepier. I dream of this woman… well, Ashley, not her mother, obviously ;) …although, as I said, I dreamt that she purchased a house… in fact, I honestly want to go back and see when I dreamt it, because it may (actually, it was) right around the time that she purchased it! I mean, I have had dreams of Ashley, where I am screaming her name… like, waking up and screaming her name. I had one dream like this, and it was extremely powerful and intense.

I also had a dream that Ashley was coming to visit home, and sure enough, she did! …the next day! Erin swears we are meant to be. Anyway, I have to go check this out. As for everything else going on, a lot. Re-instated, I picked up a part-time job to help supplement some money until South Korea next year :) 1 year in Korea, and I should be in a much better financial position!

There are numbers that play again and again… last night I dreamnt of her. This wouldn’t be the first time… Elliot Yamin, The Notebook, Titantic… all those things. Anyway, I dreamnt last night that her mom got a divorce and bought a new house. My deceased grandfather was even in the dream and the “Somebody I used to know” song by Goyte in the beginning. Ashley and I didn’t talk at first because she was still stuck on gaining her mom’s approval, and her mom didn’t talk to me at first, but I slowly made conversation, and eventually she talked to me. Ashley also eventually came around because her mom liked me. Her mom and I talked about Alanon and going to church! I think that’s funny because I actually left a book on her doorstep that’s Christian, but a book that women in Alanon use! It was an attempt to finally make peace between us and a sign of respect and sincerity. Anyway, it was very interesting and touching… I saw Ashley in the dream and thought she was beautiful, and I respected her and was very graceful. I truly cherished her. Her mother learned to open up to me and started talking to me about things, and it was the beginning stages of her accepting that I might just actually be a good person (before, she always thought I was this huge bull-dyke who turned her daughter gay).

I am psychologically enmeshed, and I have been involved with an entire family of narcissists. I am sure that there is a lesson in all of this, which will make itself known to me.

I lost my father when I was 19 and perhaps never quite recovered from the loss, because since, I have sought out the “security” of this loss through unhealthy relationships with addicted and psychologically disturbed individuals. They have sucked the life out of me, and now I am about to be free though I am dreading what’s on the other “side” — the “light” more than anything, and it’s as though I have forgotten what “life” tastes like.

I cannot believe that it has been 3 years that I have been involved with Erin. I also cannot believe that I allowed two other relationships to waste and take over (control) of my life prior to that. I have not been happy since 2006 and have sort of been in this downward spiral of attracting nutcases.

I guess I need to be alone and grieve the many important losses — ie, my father, in my life before this destructive pattern continues. I have hope for myself, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel virtually numb right now I am so much in shock. I am so lonely and sad… I feel in many ways on some level like I deserved to be treated this way, but I know that no one deserves it, and I didn’t cause it. I am sure I played a role and enabled at points, but I was not aware of it, and it still doesn’t make abuse on someone else’s part right.

I am not even going to ask for the support of anyone right now because of the tremendous guilt I feel right now. I feel, like usual, like this was my fault even though I know it wasn’t. It is hard to believe that someone can love you when they treat you in such a way. Erin would often say one thing and do another, and the things that she would say to me, ie: “Go fuck yourself,” “Go to hell,” “I will go and ‘fuck’ whoever I want,” etc. were beyond my comprehension.

I have made a very honest attempt to be honest, and I have changed and grown up a lot, and the truth is, I have just found myself in a very bad habit of destructive relationships, and I truly believe all of these — this pattern, to be linked to the unresolved grievance of my father.

I am tired and exhausted because I had chosen to stay up late last night reading about the XMRV virus in connection with my lyme disease. I was proud to have discovered that a connection has been made because the last time that I looked up XMRV in the fall of 2010 it had only been linked to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It’s good to see advances! And of course Dr. Joseph Burrascano is on top of the research.

At any rate, I am tired today. I am excited to start my new regime soon and structure –structure more or less; the regimen itself is going to be very difficult to follow seeing as how I eat carbs every single day, often three, if not four times a day. The lyme diet is very strict. I have been told it’s somewhat like the Atkins diet and that it’s also similar to the Gerson diet used to treat cancer patients.

At any rate, I am excited to incorporate my new structure and to apply the discipline to achieve it. I think that with adequate sleep I may very well be able to accommodate it and live it out successfully. Of course there will be challenges, which I believe I can overcome as long as I can identify them, and also through the grace of God. I do have belief in a spiritual power despite my anguish and triumph.

I trust that there is a “plan” for me. I will be honest, there are moments –many, where I feel completely helpless, and I am angry, bitter, and sad that this is happening to me, but I just remind myself that there will come a time when things are “better.” I will hold true to that. I have heard of many lyme disease patients committing suicide because life doesn’t seem worth living; I hope to not get to that point.

I honestly believe that I have a purpose on this earth to serve and help make a difference. I believe that I have what it takes inside to overcome and to be a part of the “greater” plan. I believe that I have what it takes to succeed listening to the Creator. I strongly believe that there is a chosen path for me. –that is not to undermine or underestimate good will, or personal will, as I do believe that we have and are given choices, but I believe that through this suffering I will become a stronger person, and I will trust with all of my heart that I can pull through this.

My “friend” is the night. The “night” and its stillness and silence is my companion. The stars. The trees. –the things that I cannot see right now because I am so far away from them, but in my heart, they stay, as well as the vision that I hold for myself and my life. I will overcome. I will believe.

I think there is beauty and richness all around us. I think that when we stop and breathe and take a moment to see the richness and beauty that life has to offer we can appreciate. Life is beautiful. I love life. I love people. I love the gifts that I have been given and the unique gifts that others share. I want to see the world a better place. I want to see people make a difference –to see people happy. We are meant to live out our lives with purpose, conviction, and integrity. To master unknown truths, but to know when to surrender.

“There is ‘beauty in the breakdown'” Dido once said. I will be broken down, each of my defenses, whether I like it or not until I learn my “lesson” –this I wholeheartedly believe. There is a “lesson” for that I just cannot see yet. There is truth in the unknown. There is a lesson here, and a magical healing and renewed spirit. We will prevail. We will walk together. We will know each other. We will love, respect, and tolerate one another. We will cherish one another. This is not a “utopia.” Change starts with us –with the self. I will walk through the fire if I have to, and by the water. I will try and rest and calm my body to the best of my ability, creating a good balance.

I will eat healthy foods, mediate, sleep, love, and pray. I will try and moderately exercise. I am going to do my best to overcome this dis-ease and sickness. Amen.

Well, now that I am going to live my “own” life I have to figure out how I am going to do that. I feel like one again I am having to shut my heart off in order to continue walking. I feel like I am having to harden myself so that I can keep on going, and I don’t naturally like to do this being someone that is very sensitive and gentle. At any rate, I now need to take care of myself the best way I know how and get myself to a place where I can self-sustain. I need to be able to “carry my own weight.” I have a feeling that on this road, one of the lessons will be learning to take risks and chances. I hate taking risks and chances and prefer predictability. I understand that progress comes in bounds and leaps.

If this is my life then “what am I going to do with it,” I ask? The world is a playground and this is my showroom, and it’s a chance to shine… I am sure that I will fall as I’m “out” there. To be really honest, I am afraid to be “out” there. I am afraid of this whole “sink” or swim deal. What is life without someone? I feel like I have been emotionally alone for too long and the last thing I want is to not have someone to rely on and have to solely rely on myself emotionally because I have already had to do this and it’s been very difficult…

“Us against the world” -Musiq. There isn’t any “Us against the world” anymore… Ashley and I are through, and I just need to get her out of my head. You know, the truth is, all I really needed (wanted) was a friend… but the simple fact is, she’s cut me off for reasons of her own, and I just have to move on. She wants me to “move on” fine. I will move on via action, but not heart. The heart may take some time… I am not someone who has multiple commitments… that is not me. I tend to be very faithful and true to causes and persons I believe in.

At any rate, I will force myself to move on via action and honestly try not to get a chip on my shoulder or too jaded when I come home from a jaded world and want nothing more than to have a woman there to help “soften” (comfort) me. We all need that comfort, and I have never had it. I have always been the “strong” one, just naturally… it’s hard to find an equal. Ashley was an equal of mine. I don’t even want to mention her name anymore, as it hurts so bad I just want to laugh to try and deflect the pain. I am angry and sad at her choice to cut me off, and I just want to run away.

I can (and should) be able to make things work for myself out there… out there in this “world.” I am a pretty tough cookie. I remember when I was little wanting to do SWAT, or the DEA. I love cop shows. I am interested in protective custody, too… ie, children. I am interested in protecting and serving. At any rate, I guess it’s now time to protect myself. Every time I try and get Ashley out of my head I can’t. I sit here, and I think, “Wow, I’m going to be all grown up and she’s going to be married.” I don’t know, I guess that just goes to show my lack of faith in society right now, because the reality is, God and the Universe work in mysterious ways. For instance:

I watch this video, something I once (and still, in the back of my mind and deep inside my heart) believed in, and I think to myself, “Maybe I won’t get that lucky. I am definitely a force to Reckon with.” I am strong and persistent. There is a fine line… I guess there is also a time and place, and now is the time for me to let go.

I have only been able to sing this song to two people — Ashley (originally, and still) and then my previous counselor/confidant “Syndee” who’s heart had no bounds and where boundaries were extremely blurred. “Undefined.” I guess love has no bounds…. it’s true, it cannot be defined or exacted… it’s not a science. It’s just simply chemistry… something we try and figure out when we get scared or are simply curious, but we can’t, because it just is… Soul-mates are one amongst a few, and they are great opportunities for us to learn about ourselves, others, and life. They come and go, but I think it can be said, that for some those connections and ties never change.

So I will “pull up my bootstraps” so-to-speak and continue trucking. I am not going to let anything stop me or get in the way of my own success, which I define as the ability to be self-sufficient and take care of myself. I know that I am capable of being successful and living passionately and purposefully. My dream is to inspire… to make change. Ashley has no clue who I am and what I’m capable of, but that is okay, because there will soon come a point where I will be out there “on my own” officially, and I will have no one but myself to turn to. I will make it work for myself, and I can only hope that by then, and if, and eventually that I can let a woman, and another woman into my heart…

“Dreams unspoken, this price is our token” –a line in a poem I once wrote. “Words cannot describe, words cannot define this thing between you and I.” Someday… not right now. I will choose to live. If she wants me to move on, fine. I want to move on, too, for me… to grow up. For me to be able to move some of this energy and get it, things going. To do. To stop sitting on the sidelines planning my attack so-to-speak. To just be and trust. “I can make it on my own.” Instead of the song, “Just the ‘two’ of us,” that “two” will be me and my little girl inside… that tough, strong, independent, rambunctious, energetic, alert child: