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RELEASE: New CAP Brief Shows How Trump’s Infrastructure Proposal Is Fatally FlawedWashington, D.C. — President-elect Donald Trump’s fatally flawed infrastructure proposal enriches Wall Street investors while passing the bill to middle-class Americans in the form of high tolls and other user fees, a new issue brief from the Center for American Progress explains. In the place of actual federal spending on critical projects, President-elect Trump has […]

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party RosterGOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked. “Wow, she’s got Joyce from work, Cheri, Dana from yoga, Carol, Carol’s new husband—that’s all of the A-listers, together under one roof,” said Dreeshen’s daughter Michelle, wondering aloud how her mother managed to nail down such a jam-packed murderers’ row of neighborhood all-stars. “Jesus, she even managed to pull Dr. Fuller and the Jacobsons. Top to bottom, it’s just loaded. There’s not a single weak spot in the entire guest list.” Sources reported that such an imposing, big-name lineup would “absolutely crush” the likely dinner party topics of the Wannemakers’ new deck and Carol’s upcoming trip to Italy with her son ...

Making Paid Leave Work for Every FamilyInconsistent and restrictive family definitions have historically marginalized many families, but improvements can be made to serve a fuller range of diverse family structures, especially LGBTQ families.

Bernie Sanders Asks Anyone Who’s Serious About Breaking Up Big Banks To Meet Him On Corner Of Canal And Bowery At MidnightNEW YORK—Inviting all those truly committed to economic equality, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced during Thursday night’s Democratic debate that anyone who’s serious about breaking up big banks should meet him on the corner of Canal and Bowery at midnight. “Show up at the base of the Manhattan Bridge at exactly midnight tonight if you really want to break apart the financial institutions and hold Wall Street banks accountable,” said the Vermont senator, adding that everyday Americans can help prevent financial firms from endangering the economic and political process in the U.S. by arriving dressed in dark clothing and taking every precaution to ensure they are not being followed. “Bring a flashlight and come alone. When the clock strikes 12, we bring economic justice to the American people.” At press time, Hillary Clinton had interrupted Sanders to announce that she would be there.

STATEMENT: CAP Economist Kate Bahn on November 2016 Jobs ReportWashington, D.C. — Center for American Progress Economist Kate Bahn released the following statement today on the November 2016 employment situation figures from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, or BLS. This month’s job report, which included 178,000 new jobs added and a surprisingly low unemployment rate of 4.6 percent, signals that the labor market is tightening—which […]

Universe Feels Zero Connection To Guy Tripping On MushroomsEUGENE, OR—Noting that it had yet to experience any sort of oneness with the 22-year-old, the universe confirmed Friday that it felt absolutely zero connection to a local man currently tripping on hallucinogenic mushrooms. “As far as I can tell, all the boundaries between myself and this guy remain completely intact, so I certainly wouldn’t say that he and I have become one with each other at all,” said the collection of all space and matter, which added that, if anything, it was feeling further removed from the man after he ate two grams of psilocybin mushrooms and spent the ensuing three hours just sitting on his basement couch, during which time he effectively did nothing to interact with the world or universe more broadly. “Frankly, I feel like he and I are as separate and unconnected as we’ve always been. Sure, he seems like a decent ...

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