Literally, Just Every Damn Thing You Need To Know About Spider-Man: Homecoming

Remember when you saw Spider-Man 2 and thought “How the hell could Marvel ever top this?”, and – more importantly, the time you saw The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and thought “For the love of Baby Jesus, please, Marvel; top this!”?

The upcoming superhero flick, Spider-Man: Homecoming, is looking like it could be the web-slinger’s best venture yet, having already made his debut in Captain America: Civil War (and totally stealing the scene… And Cap’s shield. What a f***ing legend!)

Because I’m so damn excited for this movie, I’ve put together this handy guide to know what’s going on with Peter Parker. He got bitten by a spider. That’s it. The end. Thanks for reading… I’m only kidding; sheesh! I’m such a hoot. Wait. You are still reading, aren’t you?

The Release Date

You can expect to see a young bloke in tight, red leggings swinging in your cinema* from July 7, 2017, which makes this one of four Marvel movies to be released this year, including Logan, Thor: Ragnarok and Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2. Mm. I’m salivating too.

* Just to clarify, I’m talking about Spider-Man. If there’s a bloke in red leggings running about, get out of the theatre ASAP.

The Director

Jon Watts. Erm… Yeah. I totally know who he is. Who doesn’t?! Okay, he isn’t quite the most notable director in movie history, but his movie Cop Car, starring Kevin Bacon, received excellent reviews. Phew. I’m glad we got that one over with – just move on to the cast, okay?!

The Cast

Tom Holland is taking over the role of Spider-Man from Andrew Garfield, and is most notable for his roles in Billy Elliot the Musical, and Naomi Watts and Ewan McGregor’s 12-year old son in The Impossible. As mentioned in Captain America: Civil War, this reincarnation of Spidey has only had his powers for a few months, and has only been tackling smaller crimes in his area. Luckily for him, there’s no such things as supervillains, right? RIGHT?!

Obviously there’s supervillains. You’d be an absolute gonk if you didn’t think there’d be. Michael Keaton is the movie’s protagonist Adrian Toomes, but as that isn’t too scary, we’ll call him Vulture. It makes sense that Keaton’s going to try his best to destroy Holland’s Spider-Man to just prove that Batman is the best hero. Not bitter at all. Vulture created a suit allowing him to fly, but was lead to a life of crime after his business partner betrayed him. Which makes no sense; personally, I’d have just taken him to see Judge Rinder.

While Vulture is the movie’s main antagonist, Spider-Man: Homecoming is set to have other secondary villains. Why could that possibly go wrong, The Amazing Spider-Man 2? Michael Chernus (notably from Orange is the New Black) is set to play The Tinkerer – which is the creepiest damned name you’ll ever come up with; I can only imagine him jumping out of bushes in a trench coat. Bookeem Woodbine, from the TV series Fargo, is also going to appear as Shocker, a villain who can control electric currents; not just a man who stuns his enemies with surprising news.

The Plot

Don’t ask me how I know this, but I’ve got an inkling that Spider-Man: Homecoming is about a lad called Peter, who wears red and swings on webs. But ssh – keep that between you and me, please.

Marvel nor Sony have released an official synopsis for the movie, but in interviews, Tom Holland revealed that the movie will be as much of a coming-of-age story, as it is an action-adventure. “This is a very different side to Spider-Man because you’re going to see a kid dealing with everyday problems that a 15-year-old deals with as well as trying to save the city.

Tom continued “He’s conflicted because of what it is he’s trying to do and what it is that’s going on with the Avengers in the universe.” But don’t worry – you can still expect to see Vulture chucking Spidey through wooden panels and stuff. WAHOO!

His chest emblem is a frickin’ drone. Peter Parker ruins a pool party ’cause – YOLO – he’s Spider-Man. And a chubby kid tries on the costume. (I just won’t get started on when Tony Stark said “If you’re nothing without that suit, then you shouldn’t have it”. Erm, hun… Iron Man. Care to explain?

The Sequels

I know I’m getting a bit ahead of myself, but when Marvel are planning movies set for release in time for my great, great, great grandkids’ 79th birthday, you can’t blame me, can you? Tom Holland, during an interview, said he is signed for three films, not including his appearance in Captain America: Civil War