Ask Amy: How do I share a house with four generations of my boyfriend's family?

DEAR AMY: Due to family issues stemming from my mother's death, I have trust issues. I don't like getting close to people because everyone I grew up with has either abused me, lied to me or broken me by using my mother's death as ammunition.

I am with a man I care for, but he shares his home with four generations of his family. I find myself standoffish when it comes to them; even after a year, I am only just starting to warm up to them.

I am jealous of certain things -- things that I imagine are normal family things, such as sharing everything.

When he and I go food shopping and then someone takes food we bought without asking, I am supposed to accept it.

I grew up basically on my own. If I stay with this man (and I do want to), then I need to learn how to be more family-oriented.

Frustrated Introvert

DEAR INTROVERT: You might be less frustrated if you had a little space, privacy and property that you could count on as being yours, alone.

Getting annoyed after you shop for food and then find it has been consumed by others is normal, if not universal. I think it is normal, given your background, to feel encroached upon when you are surrounded by four generations of a family.

Ask your guy's family members, "Would you mind if I keep some things in this container that are just for me? It's my quirk from so many years of living alone."

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I think it is important for you to have a physical space in the house (perhaps only a rocking chair in your room) that is yours -- where you can enjoy the privacy you seem to need.

Taking care of yourself will help you to conserve the energy required to interact with the rest of the clan. Do so with kindness and respect.

I hope you will be open not only to the challenges but the graces that can come from being part of a big family. A professional counselor could help.

DEAR AMY: I am a businesswoman in my mid-50s, and I will no longer shake hands with a man. My hand has been brutalized for the last time, just yesterday by a man who clinched down on my hand like a vise.

I withdrew and told him that in the future he needed to be more aware of just whose hand he is shaking.

To grasp my hand so hard was just stupid and thoughtless. If he thought that he was impressing me, he was correct, but it wasn't the impression he wanted to leave.

These people need to assess their recipient and decide what amount of pressure needs to be applied. It's not necessary to be limp -- you can have a firm handshake and still not cause pain.

Hurting for Certain

DEAR HURTING: Men are not the only people to engage a vise-grip greeting. People need to be aware of the effects of such a squeeze. Those with very small hands and/or arthritis can be injured.

But you should make an effort to be kind. In the future, you might stave this off by pre-emptively offering your business card in your right hand.