counselinghttp://www.scarleteen.com/taxonomy/term/418/all
enOn a Boyfriend's Porn, Anger, Healing & Finding the Way to the Healthy & Wholehttp://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/on_a_boyfriends_porn_anger_healing_finding_the_way_to_the_healthy_whole
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>This may get a bit vivid. Be warned. I have a twisted <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3348"><dfn title="About or relating in some way to sex or sexuality.">sexual</dfn></a> history. After being molested at age 5 and again at 14 I somehow allowed myself to get taken advantage of and used in regards to <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a>. It took me many years to heal and much pain to get to where I am now and I can have a healthy sexual experience with my current boyfriend. I stayed at his house when he was renting a room out of a bachelors pad and I understood and accepted that Playboy magazines were on every toilet and the toilet seats were always up. One day he came to the kitchen with a boner <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3313"><dfn title="Pressing one's lips against someone else's lips or some other body part to express affection and/or to seek out or provide sexual pleasure. May also include the tongue.">kissing</dfn></a> on me and whatnot, a short while after I went up to the bathroom where he had been showering and found a Playboy open. Are you kidding me? How dare he have the audacity to come to me with a boner he got from a <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3436"><dfn title="Usually a slur that judges women (and sometimes others) by their known or assumed sexual history, or puts it in question in order to harass her. Sometimes, people will refer to themselves as sluts to try and reclaim the word and give it a positive meaning.">slut</dfn></a> in a magazine? It was talked about and made clear I am not comfortable with that whatsoever, he should be loyal to me mind body and soul, and I should be enough for him; as it is likewise.</p>
<p>It's been months since then. I found some porn videos on his phone yesterday and it really repulsed me. I get dressed up for him, I go down on him, I put out frequently. We do get <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3425"><dfn title="Describes sexual practices or activities which a person or group of people considers to be outside "the norm", or describes a person who enjoys and/or pursues those practices.
">kinky</dfn></a>. Now the reason this video offended me so much is I do let him [ejaculate] on my [breasts]: its a thrill for him. In this porn video there's a girl who looks like me, disturbing enough as is, and shes giving a guy a blowjob till he [ejaculates] on her [breasts], then she turns to the next guy and does it again. Screen changes and she's [having <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3336"><dfn title="When people interlock their genitals and move together as feels good to them for the purpose of sexual stimulation and/or reproduction.">intercourse</dfn></a>] from behind and he [ejaculates] in her, then she crawls forward and starts giving another guy head as yet another comes up to [have sex with her] from behind as well. TOO FAR. It's not your basic porn scene, and it bothers me that its a twisted repulsive obscene image of something him and I share intimately. We've just moved in together and I can't imagine ever letting him see me naked again. I feel like he twisted our passionate and beautiful sex into some perverted expression of his twisted fantasies.</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/abuse_assault/on_a_boyfriends_porn_anger_healing_finding_the_way_to_the_healthy_whole">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> GenderPoliticsRelationshipsSexualityAbuse & AssaultAdviceabuseanger healthyboundariesboyfriendconflictcontrolcounselingfanatasiesfeelingsframeworkshealingidentitylovemenperformancepornpornographyrelationshipsselfself-esteemsexual fantasysexualityworking it outThu, 29 Dec 2011 00:25:35 +0000Heather Corinna4732 at http://www.scarleteen.comCan you help us help young people with Find-a-Doc?http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2011/10/01/can_you_help_us_help_young_people_with_findadoc
<p>Early this year, after a lot of struggling with the tech and funding, we rolled out <a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/find_a_doc"><b>Find-a-Doc</b></a>, our database system to help young people find quality, in-person services like <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3348"><dfn title="About or relating in some way to sex or sexuality.">sexual</dfn></a> and reproductive healthcare, counseling, and <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3358"><dfn title="L = lesbian, G = gay, B = bisexual, T = transgender. Additional letters sometimes added include Q = queer/questioning, U = unsure, I = intersex, P = pansexual, S = straight allies.
">LGBT</dfn></a>, youth and domestic violence crisis shelters and services. The database includes a rating system so that those who have used the services can add recommendations or comments to help other users choose services, or know things about services from a first-person perspective. As you probably know yourself, we all tend to feel a lot better about using a service someone else has personally recommended or vetted: that's why we set up Find-a-Doc, and did so the way that we did.</p>
<p>We also use the database as staff and volunteers when working one-on-one with a user to help them find in-person services they need. But since it's been slow-going to get the database packed, we still have to spend a good deal of time searching in other ways, which is far less efficient and useful. Having the database have many, many options doesn't just help our users, it helps our staff and volunteers in serving them best and in managing our time effectively, especially given our high traffic and heavy workload.</p>
<p>As of right now, we have close to 200 different listings from around the world. But we'd really like a whole lot more. <b>So, we're asking for your help.</b></p>
<p>Many young people haven't yet used any of these services because they don't know where or how to find them, or aren't sure what's safe for and supportive of them. We know that from the work we do here every day</p>
<p>So, to make up for that, our staff and volunteers have worked hard to add listing from services we have used or already know of. However, there are only around ten of us, while we've millions of users and readers every year, some of whom live in areas none of us have ever visited or lived in ourselves.</p>
<p>What we'd like our readers and supporters to do is just take maybe a half an hour to an hour of your time to help us add some more listings. Could we get your help as a community?</p>
<p>Obviously, the easiest thing to do is to add a listing of a service you yourself have used -- or work for or with: this is about the best free advertising for a youth service you can get! -- even if you are not a young person anymore: if that service serves young people currently, that's all we need. </p>
<p>Alternately, if you haven't used any of these services, haven't used them in a while, or never found anything you've felt served well by, you can just pick an area, a kind of service you want young people to be able to access, open up a search engine and find a few to enter into the database. We vet all entries ourselves, so if there are things you're not sure of, that's okay, we'll double-check everything before making a listing live. If in doubt, we call these services to check listings with someone in person at the listed service. Before adding listings, you can insert the zip code where you're thinking of adding to see what's already there. And by all means, if something you were going to add is already listed, and you've used that service, it'd be great if you could add a review!</p>
<p><a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/find_a_doc">Filling out an entry</a> is easy, and putting a few in might even take you just minutes. Our users and we as staff and volunteers would be incredibly grateful for your help. Some areas where we have few to no listings so far and have the biggest need for listings include: Malaysia, the Southern US, Mexico, (all of) South America, Italy, France, Spain, India, Poland and Russia.</p>
<p>If you know you're going to pick a given area and work on that, it'd be additionally awesome if you'd leave a note about that in the comments here. That way, we will focus our time on other areas when we're working as staff to add more listings. </p>
<p>Thanks so much for any help you can give!</p>
http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2011/10/01/can_you_help_us_help_young_people_with_findadoc#commentsabortionadvocacycarecommunitycounselingcrisisfind-a-dochealthcarehelpin-personinternationalreferralscarleteenserviceshelterteenuseryoung adultyouthSat, 01 Oct 2011 16:16:37 +0000Heather Corinna4459 at http://www.scarleteen.comI worry that because I'm a man, I am going to sexually abuse someone.http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/i_worry_that_because_im_a_man_i_am_going_to_sexually_abuse_someone
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>My mom was a victim of incest as a girl and has used it to invalidate my emotions. I blame the incest, not my mom, but it still hurts. But I can't help but feel like I, as a man, am dirty to be <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3348"><dfn title="About or relating in some way to sex or sexuality.">sexual</dfn></a>. I can't draw a line in my head between good <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a> and bad sex. I am a virgin because when I get close to sex, the girl will start reminding me of my mom or my sister. I'm afraid if I don't lose my virginity soon I will develop a sexual frustration that will eventually cause me to hurt someone. I know that I'm just a troubled, caring guy. But I can't help but hate myself sexually. I don't know what to do.</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/abuse_assault/i_worry_that_because_im_a_man_i_am_going_to_sexually_abuse_someone">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> GenderPoliticsSexualitySexual IdentityAbuse & AssaultAdviceabuseassaultcarechoicesconsentcontrolcounselingdirtyfamilygenderhealinghealthyhelpidentityincestlovemasculinitymenmythsparentingparentsraperesponsibilitysafesafetyself-esteemsexsexualitysupportunhealthyvictimTue, 28 Jun 2011 17:09:38 +0000Heather Corinna3829 at http://www.scarleteen.comIntroducing... Find-a-Doc!http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2011/01/11/introducing_findadoc
<p><i>(...or a counselor, <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3359"><dfn title="L = lesbian, G = gay, B = bisexual, T = transgender, Q = queer or questioning. Additional letters sometimes added include U = unsure, I = intersex, P = pansexual, A= asexual, S = straight allies.
">LGBTQ</dfn></a> center, doula, shelter, <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3339"><dfn title="When one person does a sexual act to, on or inside another person who does not want to participate; who refuses to participate and/or who does not or is unable to fully and freely consent to take part in that activity.">rape</dfn></a> crisis center or other in-person <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3348"><dfn title="About or relating in some way to sex or sexuality.">sexual</dfn></a>/reproductive health, sexuality and/or crisis care serving teens and young <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3404"><dfn title="People older than you who probably drive you batty. Or, people whose age in years exceeds the legal age of majority; people considered to be adults by law.
">adults</dfn></a>!)</i></p>
<p>As a youth-serving organization which provides most of our services online, we're all too aware the internet has limits. You can't get tested for <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3408"><dfn title="A very common bacterial infection/STI. It can infect the cervix, urethra, testicles, fallopian tubes, and/or ovaries. It can also infect the throat when acquired through oral sex. Chlamydia requires medical treatment.">chlamydia</dfn></a> or <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3390"><dfn title="The state of carrying a developing embryo or fetus within the uterus. Medically, someone is considered to be regnant when an egg has been fertilized by sperm, cells divide, and the fertilized egg is implanted within the lining of the uterus.">pregnancy</dfn></a> online. You can't get ongoing, one-on-one counseling or therapy where your counselor can hand you a tissue when you need one. The internet can't provide anyone a warm bed or a meal, an <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3437"><dfn title="Intra-uterine device. A long-term birth control method inserted into the uterus by a healthcare provider. Also called an IUS or IUC.">IUD</dfn></a>, pre-natal care or an <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3309"><dfn title="A procedure to intentionally end a pregnancy before a birth. Miscarriage is also sometimes called "spontaneous abortion," even though it is usually not intended.
">abortion</dfn></a>. Google can't provide us <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3414"><dfn title="Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) is a virus that eventually destroys the immune system and weakens the body's ability to fight disease and infection. It usually progresses to AIDS. It is a serious sexually transmitted infection that requires medical treatment, although it cannot be cured.
">HIV</dfn></a> healthcare or <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3517"><dfn title="A method of contraception used to prevent pregnancy after sex or rape has already occurred, rather than used before or during, like most types of contraception.">emergency contraception</dfn></a>.</p>
<p>As part of what we do, we refer users to offline services, but many of our users are often reluctant to seek out in-person services we or others can't directly vouch for. Years ago, we began to notice that when one of our users told another near them about a service they used and liked, or when one of our staff could vouch for having gone to a service ourselves, that often made all the difference in the world. Those users tended to feel immediately more comfortable using those services and were more likely to go and use them. Of course! </p>
<p>We all know one of the best ways to find quality sexual healthcare and other in-person care services is by asking people we know and trust for a recommendation. But that can be difficult, especially for young people: so many are either ashamed about sexual healthcare and other related services, or are afraid that disclosing they've had care will result in a breach of their privacy. Many young people don't even get care they need in the first place, so don't know anyone to refer someone else <i>to</i>, especially in areas where services are limited or where seeking out services presents a profound personal risk.</p>
<p>We know you can't always get a good recommendation in-person, so we're <b><a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/doc_list">aiming to build the next best thing</a></b>. </p>
<p>Readers can use our new online tool to find out who Scarleteen users around the world have gotten great care from that they'd personally recommend, and see listings of care services our staff, volunteers and allies know to be bonafide. Or, you can enter your own review to help others find services they need from providers you know are great, or add your review of a provider or service to an existing listing. If you're a service provider, you can enter information about your clinic, center or practice and it will be published for review. Any of the above can be done anonymously, so no one has to worry about privacy. </p>
<p>Services listed will be specifically youth-serving or open to youth: they may not be not adult-only. Because teens and young adults themselves will post reviews, young people will be able to have a real voice when it comes to how they're being served, and their peers can get recommendations from peers, not just from older adults. Before going live, listings for services/providers we are not very familiar with will be verified by a phone or email contact made by one of our staff or volunteers.</p>
<p>As an organization which advocates for youth and supports youth rights, we know too well how hard it can be to find services that truly serve youth well, especially around sexuality. We've heard from users who just didn't even know where to start in seeking out that care or were terrified to even try, fearing judgment or disrespect. We've heard from users who used the phone book or Google and wound up at places which couldn't serve them or wouldn't serve them; from users who thought they'd gone to a family planning clinic when they'd actually gone to an anti-contraception organization, thought they had been going to an abortion clinic or to all-choice options counseling when they'd gone instead to a crisis pregnancy center, or who were not served by providers because of their age, <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3319"><dfn title="A person's own sense of whether and in what sense they feel they might be a man, a woman, a boy, a girl or gender nonconforming.
">gender identity</dfn></a> or economic status. We hope this tool can help to prevent those situations.</p>
<p>We also know there are fantastic providers out there who serve young people wonderfully: we want to make sure the millions of young people who come to Scarleteen each year can find out who those excellent providers are, so they (you!) can get the in-person services they (you!) need and feel more confident and capable in seeking them out.</p>
<p>Obviously, this is a big project, and one that, by design, we can't do without the help of our users, allies and colleagues. We know and have personal experiences or relationships with many clinics and other services, but as we aim to create an international database, and there are only so many pap smears or STI tests any of us can get at different clinics around the world. There's no way we can possibly do this on our own. We also know it couldn't be as good or as useful if we did: we want this tool to be very grassroots and very youth-driven.</p>
<p>Are you a young person who has gotten excellent care from a clinic, private or individual provider, center or shelter, or did a service still in operation serve you well when you were younger who you want to recognize and share with young people now? Are you or do you work for a provider of sexuality, sexual health, and/or crisis care services that serves young people and is dedicated to doing so well? If so, <b><a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/doc_list">we're asking for your help by adding a listing or review</a></b>.</p>
<p>Of course, if you're a young person (or any person!) looking for excellent services in these areas, we are thrilled to invite you to start using <b><a href="http://www.scarleteen.com/doc_list">this new tool</a></b> to seek out the services you want or need. Obviously, as we're just beginning to build the database, there won't be many listings to look through just yet, but keep your eyes peeled. We're confident that in no time at all, given how great our users and allies can be at helping us out, we'll have a plethora of listings for great help and care internationally. This has been a long project in the making, and we can't express how excited we are to finally roll it out!</p>
<p>Many props and thanks to our developer, Clara Raubertas, for all of her work with us on this. It was a big concept in which the executive director had a lot of big ideas she wasn't always so crystal-clear about (ahem), and Clara worked with patience and dedication to help make this happen. An additional and important thanks to all the individuals who have given us their financial support, at any amount: this is part of what your donations have funded, and we couldn't have done it without you.</p>
<p><i>(Because this is a new service, please let us know if you have any problems using it, or if you think we accidentally left something vital out. We expect there may be some things we need to refine as we build it further, and as always, your input is invaluable. Thanks!)</i></p>
<p><b>Update 1.13.11:</b> Currently, we have a couple snags. Users may only pick one service at a time to choose from, and areas without postal codes are not working in the search. We're working out both of these issues, however, and expect to have them remedied soon!</p>
<p><b>Update 1.29.11:</b> Snags fixed! Yay! </p>
<p>Also, a question came up as to why we have LGBQ services and trans and <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3320"><dfn title="Characteristics that are seen or presented as distinguishing between male and female. Gender may or may not include assigned or chosen: sex, social roles, feelings, behaviors and/or presentation or appearance.
">gender</dfn></a>-variant services as separate tickboxes/options. Options like those, just like the options for teen-specific care, and survivor-specific care, are for folks looking for specialized care and specifically-inclusive services. Users may pick up to five different tickboxes for searches, not just one.</p>
<p>We separated LGBQ services from trans and gender-variant services because trans and gender-variant people have a range of orientations like everyone else, including heterosexuality, but primarily because a service which can or does serve <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3341"><dfn title="In the context of sexuality, a word for sexual orientation which either describes a man who is sexually and emotionally attracted to other men, or a person of any sex or gender who is sexually and emotionally attracted to people of the same or a similar sex or gender. Often used alongside lesbian.
">gay</dfn></a>, <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3342"><dfn title="Describes the sexual orientation of a woman who is sexually and emotionally attracted only or mostly to other women.
">lesbian</dfn></a>, <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3343"><dfn title="A term for sexual orientation which either describes a person who can be sexually and emotionally attracted to both men and women or merely to people of more than one gender.">bisexual</dfn></a> or <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3344"><dfn title="In the context of sexuality, a broad term for sexual orientation that can describe any number of orientations which are not heterosexual. People who identify as queer may be bisexual or pansexual, gay or lesbian, questioning, asexual or more. ">queer</dfn></a> people well will not automatically serve trans or gender-variant people well, or offer the services trans or gender-variant people want or need. A reader suggested this was perhaps because we didn't understand trans people needed reproductive healthcare: quite the opposite! A trans person seeking reproductive healthcare could tick the box for that healthcare AND for trans-specific services to best assure they get that kind of healthcare from providers who also are educated about and able to serve trans people well with that healthcare or other kinds of services. In the same way, someone who wanted reproductive healthcare and was also an assault victim could pick two boxes to intersect that, or someone who was LGB could pick the two boxes to address that intersection. For anyone who wanted reproductive healthcare without narrowing that care in any way, they could just tick the box ONLY for that healthcare.</p>
<p>We're happy to discuss this more here, and just like any other part of the project: adjustments can always be made!</p>
http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2011/01/11/introducing_findadoc#comments. healthcareabuseactivismcarechoicescondomscontraceptioncounselingcrisisdatabaseemergency contraceptiongrassrootshealthhelpin-personinfectionlistingsofflinepeerpregnantrapeservicesexual healthsexual healthcaresexualityshelterstisupportteensyoung adultsyoung peopleyouthyouth rightsyouth-servingTue, 11 Jan 2011 17:25:32 +0000Heather Corinna3406 at http://www.scarleteen.comWhose Vagina Is It, Anyway?http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/whose_vagina_is_it_anyway
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>I'm a 32 year old woman being driven up the wall by my fiance always telling me he can tell I'm playing with my toys when he's at work because I'm loose that day. I swear to him up and down that I haven't and even tell him the last time that I have done something like that. But he doesn't want to hear it. He always says I'm lying about it all. Why somedays is my <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3323"><dfn title="The internal passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus.">vagina</dfn></a> tighter than another day? Is there a position during <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a> that would make my vagina tighter? I already do those "pee exercises." Please HELP!!! I'm sick of being accused of something I'm not even doing.</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/abuse_assault/whose_vagina_is_it_anyway">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> BodiesGenderRelationshipsSexualityAbuse & AssaultAdviceagencyanatomyautonomybad newsbigbodyboundariescontrolcounselingdifferentfeelsgenitalshealthyleavinglooseownershiprelationshipsself-esteemsex partnersmalltightunhealthyvaginaWed, 20 Oct 2010 07:00:00 +0000Heather Corinna4533 at http://www.scarleteen.comWhy can't I stop being so scared of pregnancy?http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/why_cant_i_stop_being_so_scared_of_pregnancy
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>I have a problem, and I'm ready to crack with the stress of it. I've been on <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3438"><dfn title="Any number of methods people use to intentionally prevent unwanted pregnancy, including the condom, the cervical barrier, the implant, the patch, the pill, the rhythm method, the ring, the shot, the IUD, spermicide and withdrawal.
">birth control</dfn></a> (Yaz) for a year, to help with my acne, though I don't always take it at the same time every day. Sometimes I've missed pills or taken them over 12 hours late. That shouldn't really matter, though, because I'm not <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3439"><dfn title="Someone who has had or is currently having some kind of genital sex with a partner or partners.">sexually active</dfn></a>. My boyfriend and I have decided to wait until we get married to have <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a>. We only ever make out. Still, I find myself worrying about <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3390"><dfn title="The state of carrying a developing embryo or fetus within the uterus. Medically, someone is considered to be regnant when an egg has been fertilized by sperm, cells divide, and the fertilized egg is implanted within the lining of the uterus.">pregnancy</dfn></a> risks even though there are no apparent ways to get pregnant from what we do. Some small part of my mind will whisper things like, "What if he has <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3487"><dfn title="A fluid which the penis usually emits with or around erection and before ejaculation, sometimes more than once. Pre-ejaculate itself does not contain sperm, but in some cases, can pick up traces of sperm left in the urethra.">pre-ejaculate</dfn></a> that seeps through his clothes onto you? What if he had a nocturnal emission that night he stayed over?" Nobody else I know seems to have this constant paranoia. I don't understand why I spend half my time worrying about a pregnancy that most people understand is impossible. I'm not sure what I'm asking here, other than, have you ever seen this before - a girl terrified of something happening when it isn't even likely? Is there any way I can help myself and get peace of mind? Thanks.</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/advice/why_cant_i_stop_being_so_scared_of_pregnancy">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> SexualitySexual HealthAdviceEtcanxietycounselingcuesfearfeelingshelpideasillogicalintuitionmarriagephobiapregnancypregnantreadinessrelationshipSCAREDsexsupportteentherapytocophobiavaluesworryyoung peopleSat, 28 Aug 2010 00:22:34 +0000Heather Corinna3186 at http://www.scarleteen.comSound Counsel: A Conversation With Lynn Pontonhttp://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/sound_counsel_a_conversation_with_lynn_ponton
<div class="field field-type-text field-field-author">
<div class="field-label">Author:&nbsp;</div>
<div class="field-items">
<div class="field-item odd">
Heather Corinna and Lynn Ponton </div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="field field-type-text field-field-introduction">
<div class="field-label">Introduction:&nbsp;</div>
<div class="field-items">
<div class="field-item odd">
Considering counseling or think you or a friend might benefit from some therapy? Here&#039;s a basic introduction and a shared conversation with adolescent therapist and author Dr. Lynn Ponton to clue you in on what to expect from the couch. </div>
</div>
</div>
<p>If you're reading this page, it's probably because someone suggested you might be able to use some counseling, or you're thinking about getting some yourself. Maybe you've been dealing with a loss, healing from <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3401"><dfn title="Purposeful harm or mistreatment of another person, which can be verbal, emotional, physical or sexual. An ongoing pattern or cycle of such mistreatment or harm can characterize an abusive relationship.
">abuse</dfn></a>, suffering from depression or anxiety or just could really use someone to talk with who you can trust and feel will listen to you.</p>
<p>We often suggest some of our users seek out therapy. While it's commonly assumed that we're suggesting counseling or therapy because we think something is wrong with someone, that's not usually why we're making that suggestion. Rather, counseling is something we support for young people who feel like something is wrong with them, or who have something earnestly going or feeling wrong in their lives. When we suggest a user consider counseling, it's generally because we think they could benefit from having an advocate and a sounding board in-person on a regular basis, someone who is there expressly to help that person, without asking for anything emotional back from that <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3307"><dfn title="Some kind of ongoing interaction or association with another person, place or thing.
There are all kinds of relationships: family relationships, friendships, romantic relationships and sexual relationships are a few, and sometimes those will overlap where we have more than one kind of relationship with someone. Sometimes people use the word relationship to only mean a romantic, "serious" or committed relationship, even though that's not all this word means.">relationship</dfn></a> beyond some basic respect. When we suggest counseling, it's because we know that sometimes in our lives -- probably all of our lives, and probably more than once -- we all need some good help to get through the rough spots so we can get to the good stuff.</p>
<h3>When might counseling help?</h3>
<p>Some situations where counseling or therapy can usually help are with:</p>
<ul>
<li>difficult, unhealthy or abusive relationships</li>
<li>depression, anxiety or suicidal thoughts</li>
<li>trouble managing hard feelings</li>
<li>taking risks you don't really want to be taking</li>
<li>issues with self-esteem, <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3525"><dfn title="Our sense, awareness and perception of our body in appearance and function as it relates to our sense of self.">body image</dfn></a> or self-confidence</li>
<li>healing from <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3348"><dfn title="About or relating in some way to sex or sexuality.">sexual</dfn></a> or other abuse or assault </li>
<li>addiction or compulsive behavior</li>
<li>worries about <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3352"><dfn title="A term -- like homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, queer, straight, lesbian, gay, asexual -- used to describe a person's usual or current pattern of emotional, romantic and/or sexual attraction to other people in terms of gender.">sexual orientation</dfn></a>, sexual <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3378"><dfn title="The defining character or personality of an individual; who we feel like we are as a person. Identity is often used to talk about sexual identity -- who we are as sexual people, which can include things like our sexual orientation, our preferences and things we like and want in sex and sexuality, our sexual politics -- or gender identity, who we feel we are and identify as (even if only to ourselves) in terms of our gender.">identity</dfn></a> or feelings of sexual shame</li>
<li>self-injury or eating disorders</li>
<li>a major life transition or loss, like death, a big breakup, divorce, a serious illness or accident</li>
<li>needing someone to talk to where a person is guaranteed confidence &amp; privacy</li>
<li>just feeling "stuck" in unproductive or unhealthy patterns, relationships or ways of thinking</li>
</ul>
<p>One other reason we'll suggest counseling is because something appears to be wrong with how the <i>other</i> people in your life are behaving around or with you, and you could use some help managing how you cope with that, and a strong advocate in your corner whose utmost concern is for and about you, not anyone else, is probably going to make coping a whole lot easier.</p>
<p>Lots of people feel nervous about therapy, not just young people. Concerns about privacy and the credibility of a counselor loom large, but a lot of people are also afraid of voicing their issues out loud, not being heard, or having to look at things they really don't want to, even if looking at and talking through those things will likely make dealing with them a lot easier in time. There's also some stigma attached to therapy or seeking it, that it must mean someone is mentally ill. By all means, some people with mental illness -- people who are no more or less human or acceptable than people without -- utilize therapy, but so do a whole lot of other people without any kind or history of mental illness.</p>
<p>Dr. Lynn Ponton (MD) is someone I respect a lot and who I feel really works to understand young people and to care very deeply about them. Her books <i>The Sex Lives of Teenagers</i> and <i>The Romance of Risk</i> show teen realities without demonizing or chastising, and do so with a really inspiring amount of compassion and understanding. She also has great ways of thinking about and approaching problems young people are having that are earnestly about helping, not about seeking adult control or conformity. As a practicing psychiatrist and psychoanalyst with adolescents for many years, she's a great expert on knowing what young people can get out of counseling and therapy and what therapists and counselors can give back. She's currently working on a new book of fiction, <i>Métis: Mixed Blood Stories</i>, which portrays the lives of four adolescent members of a single family who are descents of the Métis, a mixed-blood group of Native and French originating in Canada.</p>
<p>I rang her up to talk with her about therapy and young people. I first asked how she thinks therapy can help young people, and she said that "therapy can provide many benefits: symptom relief, so that depression gets better or anxiety becomes less, for one. Therapy can help decrease what can feel like weird or uncomfortable thoughts or ideas, and help patients feel more normal and balanced. Therapy also usually increases self-confidence and assertiveness. Many of my patients have problems with parents and other family members, so therapy is also a good place to work out family problems."</p>
<p>"Therapy is a great place to talk about the meaning of life: in today's world there is not much opportunity for that. Being able to talk about those big ideas with someone who respects them can help a person be able to pursue and develop their own meaning of and for life.</p>
<p>Lynn thinks of therapy for young people as "a successful partnership with an adult person, where there is reciprocity back and forth in good way: you talk and listen, they talk and listen. Most teens don't have that kind of relationship with their parents or other <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3404"><dfn title="People older than you who probably drive you batty. Or, people whose age in years exceeds the legal age of majority; people considered to be adults by law.
">adults</dfn></a>." When I asked her what her patients tell her they have gotten out of therapy, she said that," so much over the years, people will say that therapy changed their life every day. Even young people I only saw a few times will tend to say they were really heard and felt listened to."</p>
<p>She suggests young people look at books about good therapy or movies. One of her favorites is <i>Good Will Hunting</i>. She says that film gives "a sense of therapy as a real partnership. Robin Williams did his own disclosing in that film as the therapist. Good therapists for young people will also disclose things themselves, not have all the disclosures only coming from the young person."</p>
<p>I asked whether she found that young people were usually seeking out therapy themselves, or if their parents were more often seeking it out on their behalf. Dr. Ponton said that "it's about half parents and half teens when it comes to who initiates therapy. Often, there's not a good cooperation there, where both a parent and a teen want and support therapy, unfortunately. Either the teens want it and the parents are nonsupportive or the parents are encouraging it but the teen doesn't want it."</p>
<p>Since a good fit with a counselor is about that person being somebody a teen can talk to, she feels it's ideal for people, including young people, to first be able to make the choice to enter therapy for themselves.</p>
<p>What if you can't get a parent or guardian's support in therapy you want and feel you need? How can you get a parent's support or get therapy without a parent's help?</p>
<p>If telling them what you feel you need isn't working, "you can try showing them positive examples of therapy in films or books. If that doesn't work, either, you can then go to public clinics to get therapy. After the age of 16 [in the United States] or once you are on your own, you don't need parents support or permission," Lynn says. She also added that lots of parents who have not worked out their own problems (which is a whole lot of people) don't want their kids in therapy because it makes them have to look at and address their own problems, and that a good therapist might consider doing additional therapy with young people with one or both parents on <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/4561"><dfn title="This term may refer to the person taking a more dominant role during a sexual encounter, or sometimes to refer to the insertive partner during penetrative sex. It can also be used as a verb- "to top someone" is to act as the "top" with regard to your encounter with them. ">top</dfn></a> of individual therapy, particularly if it was a parent who initiated therapy in the first place, or if the young person needs an advocate in working out family problems with parents or guardians.</p>
<p>If you're interested in therapy or counseling, and you have health insurance, public health or national health, you or your parents/guardians can find out what your plan covers. You may be able to directly go to a therapist, or you may need to see a general practitioner first to get a referral. Even without any kind of healthcare coverage (or if you have some under parents, but don't want to use it), there may still be options. Many communities -- including colleges and universities -- have mental health or counseling centers that are low-cost, use sliding-scale fees or are even no cost. Some private therapists will also take on patients at a reduced fee or for a barter. To find out if there are any free or low-cost counseling services available in your area you can check in with general community centers, your local hospital, your school college or university, church, temple or other religious meeting place or just do an Internet search with your zip code for counseling. Dr. Ponton also pointed out that school guidance counselors can also talk to you about all your problems, not just academic issues.</p>
<h3>What's Involved in Counseling?</h3>
<p>What's a typical adolescent first therapy session like? What should you expect? Lynn says "the very first session usually runs about 45 minutes to an hour. A patient should expect to meet with a kind person who will ask what is wrong and listen to them. If parents are involved, they may or may not be interviewed or talked to, save to address insurance and other practical issues. If someone is very nervous about therapy, a good therapist will see you for the first session with a friend there, if that's wanted.</p>
<p>"A first session is mostly about finding out if a patient things a therapist is a good fit for them. Good fit matters very much when it comes to therapy: if you don't like a therapist or feel like they're someone you can talk to, that's not going to work and it's best to try and find another therapist you do feel good about seeing. A good partnership and feeling of partnership is key, even more with young people than with older adults. By all means, a young person should get the feeling a therapist they are going to see likes teenagers. A good adolescent therapist is both compassionate and kind and a good listener."</p>
<p>We talked about the fact that just like in every other kind of work there is, not all therapists are great or even good therapists, just like not all cooks are great or even good cooks. Unfortunately, some therapists...well, really suck. Just like some doctors, teachers, lawyers or artists do. But Lynn made clear that "one bad apple does not spoil everyone. If a therapist doesn't listen, isn't treating you with care and compassion, or just doesn't seem okay to you, find another one."</p>
<p>"If a young person is having trouble finding a good therapist, they can always ask any friends in therapy who they see and like. Friends can also help from the onset: since so many people feel nervous about therapy, or procrastinate starting it, it can help to have a supportive friend make the call in for a first appointment."</p>
<p>What therapy is like if you continue after a first session depends on a host of different factors: on what your unique issues are, on how much you actively participate, on what your therapist is like and on what their clinical philosophies are and what kinds of therapy or therapies they choose to use or integrate. In a first session, you can absolutely ask about this: ask a therapist to share their philosophy, the way they like to work and to explain the kinds of therapy they generally use. Most kinds of therapy involve talking, but some can involve other ways of communicating, like via writing or artwork. In general, just like with most relationships, a relationship with a therapist and therapy itself will deepen over time: no one is expected to just walk in and dump everything out then sort through it. Sharing will tend to be gradual, and the depth of discussions and disclosures will increase over time if everyone is actively participating. </p>
<p>One of the biggest concerns many people have with counseling is confidentiality, a valid thing to be concerned about. It's very hard to talk deeply and honestly if we're not sure that our confidences and privacy will be respected. For young people in particular, any adult can seem like they're automatically going to share everything or anything with other adults, or ally themselves with parents instead of teens when it comes to privacy. But that's not how it goes, and you have rights to privacy in therapy and in only a few situations would what you have shared in therapy be shared with your parents or other adults. </p>
<p>Dr. Ponton summed that up: "What is said in therapy is confidential. Therapists will only tell parents something if a teen is doing something to harm themselves (or others), like self-injury, unhealthy drug abuse (but not limited use) or a suicide attempt." Something like sexual activity or sex under the <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3531"><dfn title="The age at which a person is considered in law to be able to consent to sexual activity. Someone above this age who has sex with someone below it can often be charged with statutory rape, even if the younger person wants to consent.
">age of consent</dfn></a> would not be reported usually unless it is illegal or seems like bonafide harm or abuse. Remember that therapists and counselors aren't parents and don't tend to act like parents: they don't make the same judgments, don't react the same ways, and are often far more accepting of things like consensual sexual activity, some kinds of risk-taking, the spectrum of <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3320"><dfn title="Characteristics that are seen or presented as distinguishing between male and female. Gender may or may not include assigned or chosen: sex, social roles, feelings, behaviors and/or presentation or appearance.
">gender</dfn></a> and sexual orientation than some parents or other adults can be.</p>
<p>Lynn added that if and when a therapist feels something should or has to be disclosed to a parent or guardian, "a good therapist will not disclose anything to a parent or guardian without first discussing that with their teen patient, then making a plan to disclose whatever it is to the parents together, as a team."</p>
<p>We also talked a bit about the prevalent and incorrect idea that it's "normal" for young people, especially teens, to be in distress. She said that "the idea that it's normal for teens to be or feel messed up and have problems, is not true. Maybe one of every ten teens have a rocky time of [adolescence]. If a young person is having a hard time, it's important for them to reach out and get help." In other words, if you feel really lost, miserable, scared, sad or freaked out, it's not because "that's how teenagers are," but most likely because you need some help dealing.</p>
<p>I asked her what she thought keeps young people who want or would benefit from therapy from seeking it out. She said that "some teens are afraid to talk about problems with a therapist because they have never done that with any adult. Many worry that a therapist will be critical or judgmental as is often the case with parents or other adults. Embarrassment is another common barrier: teens are often embarrassed about some of their problems, particularly <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3357"><dfn title="G = gay, L = lesbian, B = bisexual, T = transgender. Additional letters sometimes added include Q = queer/questioning, U = unsure, I = intersex, P = pansexual, S = straight allies.
">GLBT</dfn></a> youth, or those with thought disorders. Embarrassment keeps many kids out, but they have to take a risk to benefit."</p>
<p>Choosing to go into therapy and actively participate absolutely is a risk any of us take. It's just good to bear in mind that it's a healthy risk, and one very likely to net us positive results: it's not the same kind of risk-taking as, say, choosing to have unprotected sex or choosing to walk into the highway. Certainly, you risk being vulnerable and being seen, and you also risk finding things out about yourself that you might not know or realize, or might need to address and deal with. But the nature of therapy and counseling is that it's designed to use those risks to help people benefit from taking them. We can benefit from being vulnerable and speaking our hard truths because saying them out loud, being heard in them, and being helped to hold and work with them benefits us. We risk self-discovery, but there really are only benefits in getting more in touch with ourselves: avoidance and denial hurt us rather than helping us. We can also risk feeling uncomfortable sometimes, especially if we're delving into painful feelings, but as a group of people who are going through <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3486"><dfn title="The process of physical and sexual changes from childhood to adulthood, initiated by hormone signals from the brain to the gonads. Puberty usually takes several years to complete -- sometimes even more then five or six -- and changes the brain, bones, muscles, skin, breasts and reproductive organs. ">puberty</dfn></a> or just coming out of it, I probably don't need to tell you that growth can be uncomfortable sometimes.</p>
<h3>Online Counseling Vs. In-Person Counseling</h3>
<p>Some Scarleteen readers who come to our message boards for help, will react by quickly saying they don't want or need counseling when we suggest it. But usually by the time we have suggested counseling, it's because someone has been coming to us online for exactly that for a while. In other words, most of the time, that person has already been getting a kind of counseling, and has come asking us expressly for counseling. When they've come for help talking through something, and we help out in doing that, and a user thanks us, what they are thanking us for is counseling. </p>
<p>Online counseling like a person can find at our boards or other online support venues is absolutely one way to get help and support, but sometimes, it either just isn't enough, or isn't as good as it could be for someone. There are some things we can do and can offer, but also some important things that we can't.</p>
<p>For instance, we can't give a person our complete, undivided attention for an hour each week. You can't read our body language or see our expressions and we can't read or see yours. We can't offer you the same kinds of privacy an in-person counselor can. We can't talk with you, rather than writing back and forth. We can't have the kind of health and life history for you an in-person counselor can. None of us here -- or at most other online support groups -- have the kind of education and training that in-person therapists and counselors do, and that's a pretty huge missing piece.</p>
<p>For sure, online counseling and support absolutely has its use, but it also has some limitations. Counseling online can be a great place to get started with talking about your issues and getting support, or to dip your toe in the water when it comes to taking a step to start talking and getting help. But online counseling can tend to make a much better starting point than an ongoing solution, particularly with very challenging, personal and ongoing issues. Chances are good that if you are finding online counseling to be useful to you, in-person, dedicated counseling will be even more beneficial.</p>
<p>We know that the first steps with this can be hard or scary to take: making the phone calls about it, talking to parents or guardians, walking in the door for that first visit, feeling vulnerable or weak because you need some help. But we think it's sound to be more concerned about what might happen if you <i>don't</i> take the risk to get the help that you need when you need it. Getting help we need is never about weakness or failure: it's about having the strength and the courage to take care of ourselves and the humility to know when we could use help doing that. When this kind of help is what you need, even just picking up the phone to make that first appointment is an action of strength and compassion, and a step towards taking better care of yourself and taking greater charge of your own life.</p>
Abuse & AssaultAdviceEtcabuseadultadviceadvocateanxietybody imagecarechoicescounselcounselingcrisisdepressionfeelingsGLBThealthhelppersonraperelationshipsriskself-esteemtalkteentherapywordsyoungMon, 10 May 2010 23:57:01 +0000Heather Corinna3071 at http://www.scarleteen.comHow can I stop feeling so guilty?http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/how_can_i_stop_feeling_so_guilty
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>I am 23. I started having <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a> with my boyfriend of 7 months at age 17. I was raised Christian, have stayed in the church until now but am seriously questioning what I believe. Ever since I first started having sex I have never been completely ok with it, always wondering whether I was doing something wrong or whether it was even ok. I would often feel extremely guilty once I reached the point of <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3354"><dfn title="An event typically in response to physical or intellectual sexual stimulation, controlled by the involuntary nervous system. Orgasm often results in muscle contractions in and around the genitals, other muscular spasms throughout the body, and a feeling of sexual and/or tension release.">orgasm</dfn></a> because it was like that was the time that I realized that I had given in to my desires and have done something wrong-again. (I had/have these same guilt feelings whenever I masturbate which I remember from age 12.) After the high school boyfriend I had sex with someone else a few years later but that one doesn't affect me nearly as much. A few years after that I met my now spouse. We started having sex after a few months and I always questioned whether what we were doing was ok or not, but I still wanted sex and I still enjoyed it. We got married a year ago and now I just cant enjoy sex at all. I just don't want to. When we do have sex it does feel good but not great and I feel like I am being punished for having sex before marriage. I also had a lot of pain starting close to when we got married and I eventually learned I had trich. So I don't know if I am now terrified of that happening again too? (even though we were both treated and I am supposedly cured) I have a great <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3385"><dfn title="In a sexual context, a person with whom someone is having some kind of sex. The term "partner" can be used for all kinds of relationships, not just serious ones. "Partner" can also mean the person someone is with in a romantic or familial partnership.">partner</dfn></a>: he isn't pressuring me to get better and really wants me to be truly wanting sex otherwise he doesn't want it either. But I know he is getting anxious. How can I let go of the guilt that I have had for half my life? How can I enjoy sex again? What is wrong with me? I've discussed the spirituality aspects with several ministers and none of them think God is punishing me or that I have done anything wrong. I am also currently in counseling and we have talked at length about this sex issue and she is stumped too. I am ready to let go of this and move on but I just can't. Where should I go from here? Or should I just realize that there is no more sex in this life for me?</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/advice/how_can_i_stop_feeling_so_guilty">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> GenderPoliticsRelationshipsSexualitySexual IdentityAdvicebeliefsBiblechoicesChristianitycounselingdesirefearfeminismGLBTguilthelphistoryideasidentityinterpretationpleasurepunishmentreligionrightssexsexualityshameSTIssupporttherapyvirginitywomenWed, 17 Feb 2010 21:04:44 +0000Heather Corinna2954 at http://www.scarleteen.comDid rape ruin my vagina forever?http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/did_rape_ruin_my_vagina_forever
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>I was raped about seven months ago and my <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3323"><dfn title="The internal passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus.">vagina</dfn></a> hasn't felt the same ever since: it has felt more open. My boyfriend and I just started having <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a> about a month ago. I asked him if I felt loose, because ever since the incident I haven't felt good about my vagina. He said that I am definitely not tight. I looked at my vagina with a mirror and noticed that the opening isn't completely closed. I tried inserting a small <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/4565"><dfn title="An insertive sex toy that usually looks more or less like a penis (but can sometimes bear little resemblance) and is usually made from silicone or rubber, but can also be made with glass, wood, metal, or any number of innovative materials. Come in an endless variety of sizes, shapes, and colors. ">dildo</dfn></a> and standing up but the dildo fell out. I can easily insert one finger with little resistance. I have tried doing kegels but still feel like my vagina is open and loose. I cry about this and feel really self conscious. Is it possible that because when I was raped the rapist was really rough with me that my vagina is broken forever? Thank you.</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/abuse_assault/did_rape_ruin_my_vagina_forever">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> BodiesSexualityAbuse & AssaultAdviceabuseappearanceassaultbody imagebody memoriescarecounselingfourchettegenitalhealinghymeninjurylacerationlooseopenpartnerperceptionRAINNrapesexsupportsurvivorteartraumavaginavulvaMon, 26 Oct 2009 23:03:52 +0000Heather Corinna2649 at http://www.scarleteen.comHow do I deal with the results of a medical trauma or abuse?http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/how_do_i_deal_with_the_results_of_a_medical_trauma_or_abuse
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>Hi, I'm sixteen and about four months ago I was treated at the hospital for severe anemia due to over excessive <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3490"><dfn title="The shedding of the uterine lining as part of the menstrual cycle.
">menstruation</dfn></a>. While I was there, I had to have a pelvic exam done, and I'm already really shy, and I've never been touched like that or even have had a boyfriend. So the doctor (who was a man) was about to do it, but I was so scared he had to physically spread my legs apart. Then he put the speculum in and did whatever, but he had to push through the <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3461"><dfn title="A thin membrane without nerve endings that most female-assigned people are born with that is just inside the vaginal opening. It gradually wears away over time due to hormones, vaginal discharges, general physical activity, sex and masturbation and/or childbirth. It does not snap, crackle or pop.">hymen</dfn></a>, and it hurt pretty badly. It seemed like he didn't care at all how I was doing, or anything. Now I cringe when people mention <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a> or anything like it because it reminds me of him and the pain and embarrassment. How am I ever going to trust a man enough again to let him get close, and how can I block this event out of my head?</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/abuse_assault/how_do_i_deal_with_the_results_of_a_medical_trauma_or_abuse">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> BodiesGenderPoliticsAbuse & AssaultAdviceabuseanemiableedingcasecomplaintcounselingdoctorexamfilinghealinghospitalmaltreatmentmedical boardmedicinemenmenorrhagiapatientpelvic examperiodrightssexsexualstandards of caresupportteentraumatreatmentMon, 04 May 2009 13:53:45 +0000Heather Corinna2479 at http://www.scarleteen.comShrink Cocktail: My starter experience of counselinghttp://www.scarleteen.com/blog/jacob/2009/02/18/shrink_cocktail_my_starter_experience_of_counseling
<p>My first blog! AHH!</p>
<p>Deep breaths. Right.</p>
<p>What I want to give is a quick individual early view of therapy and talk about my visit to the counseling service at my University; my first ever experience with therapy. The hope is that hearing what it was like for me would be a help to you if you are considering counseling and want to actually go for it.</p>
<p>In life, generally, we can get ourselves in a pickle and need someone to talk to. Our friends and families love us, they can have great advice, but sometimes it doesn't match up with what we need or want and we don't want to offload on them or ask them for some new advice and tell them some of their well-meaning words didn't work and "so... can we try something else?". Which is how I have felt a lot of the time.</p>
<p>There has been a long time where counseling has been available and would have been a good idea to try... yet I didn't go. Now that I've gone, it hasn't been because things have escalated in any way or because I've reached some sort of breaking point. It's more just incidental luck that my brain has clicked in such a way that it just felt easier to go.</p>
<p>I know for many people therapy is scary because they say it indicates that their problems are extreme and therefore intimidating... but therapy isn't a symptom of how bad problems may be, it's just a helpful neutral tool. Plenty of people see a therapist just for a check up, talk through on-going issues and they continue to be just as happy or as sane as (if not happier/saner) their friends or colleagues.</p>
<p>I get that this is easier to understand than to believe. I understood it for quite a while but still I didn't feel ok going.</p>
<p>I was also skeptical that I knew therapists didn't always have ideas that I agreed with... though when I experienced the first session, I realised that just like with everyone else, I can reject this person's ideas... these people are trained specifically to meet problems like mine, I didn't know them, they were sworn to confidentiality, so I could just experiment, slowly see how much of my thoughts I could share, and see if this could be something that helped me.</p>
<p>I had been up very late the night before feeling terrible and had overslept vastly, I had felt very depressed, but in the morning was feeling better. My university has free drop-in sessions at 1pm ever day, so even though I knew I was already feeling better, I thought to myself that I must do <b>some</b>thing because of long term difficulties, and resolved to simply walk in there.</p>
<p>When I feel really down, I can barely drag myself off a chair I'm sat on, let alone out the door to seek help. I seemed to be waiting to be uncontrollable and for my emotions to just explode so visibly that I'd be forced by someone to get help, that never happened, thankfully. OR I'd be feeling better in which case I'd just not view my down time as important or would be too distracted to view it as a priority.</p>
<p>At this point however I was sort of between the two feelings, I was on the way up from a bad feeling but wanting therapy can happen whenever. I walked up a hill, walked into campus, buzzed the front door of the counseling building and went in.</p>
<p>I stuttered a question of whether I'd got the time right, and was told "yes" and was pointed to a waiting room, and was desperately taking mental note of everything in the room, feeling entirely out of place. I felt like I'd sneaked in somewhere undercover. I wasn't, as I've said, I don't need a big tragedy for counseling, I don't need to have got myself into a crisis, to legitimise it. I can walk in there just because I want to talk. Though the actual truth may still be that there ARE bigger underlying problems.</p>
<p>A smiling middle aged woman poked her head round the door and said my name I smiled and fumbled nervously over my coat and bag. For some reason I couldn't seem to pick them both up at the same time. This is ok, it's ok to be nervous. I walked up stairs with her, and because of confidentiality she didn't say much on the journey. I realised this and followed quietly behind her. When we went into the room there was a sigh of relief for finally being able to break the constraint.</p>
<p>We sat opposite each other and I realised that when a therapist is a real person, and not just an idea, they can't be as intimidating. We chatted about who I was, where I'd come from, how I was finding bits of my life, how different family and non-family relationships had affected who I was and discussed problems I may currently be having. It was just a conversation. She explained her role and reassured me about how safe it was to talk to her.</p>
<p>Most of initial topics were things I'd tell most people if they asked. As I started to feel a lot more comfortable and had realised that, “yeah I do get on with this person”, I realised it'd be ok to open up a bit more. There was a moment where I phrased something wrongly and it sounded like I didn't want to discuss the subject and my therapist instantly smiled and said that was absolutely fine and moved onto something else. It was a misunderstanding but I really appreciated that there was no negotiation required or prodding happening, there was just respect instead.</p>
<p>We set a date for my first 50 minute appointment and I left feeling as though I'd started something which could be a great help to me. It wasn't an instant cure, it was just a beginning.</p>
<p>I've had a few sessions now and it does feel very experimental, at times challenging, at times even fun, most of all it was a part of my day just like everything else. As routine and as recognisable as brushing my teeth or talking to people during the day... even if very emotionally gripping.</p>
<p>I tried never to knock myself for neglecting to go before... sometimes it is just difficult to make it happen. But my ideas of what it'd be remained very hypothetical, associated with negative thoughts it's unsurprising that I became scared of counseling. But as soon as my session began I knew it wasn't something to fear but could be a positive part of my life.</p>
http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/jacob/2009/02/18/shrink_cocktail_my_starter_experience_of_counseling#commentsconfidencecounselingdeppressionself-esteemtherapyWed, 18 Feb 2009 16:27:44 +0000Jacob2413 at http://www.scarleteen.comHealing and dealing with triggers and fears as a male sexual abuse survivorhttp://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/healing_and_dealing_with_triggers_and_fears_as_a_male_sexual_abuse_survivor
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>I'm a 18 year-old male. I was raped twice in my life (6 and 10 years old) and I took it pretty well. My life was quite normal until now, and had no problems with girls. I never had a girlfriend, never been the type who commit, but I'd had a lot of <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a> with a lot of girls. Two weeks ago I had contact with the man who attacked me when I was 10. Since then I've having nightmares and have been remembering all what happened. I've been drinking and went back to drugs. I wouldn't want to, but it's the only way I can get some rest. Last weekend happened something that really scared me. I was drunk and high and without noticing I found myself rubbing a guy's leg. I pretty much wanted to make out with him and other stuff. I can't become <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3341"><dfn title="In the context of sexuality, a word for sexual orientation which either describes a man who is sexually and emotionally attracted to other men, or a person of any sex or gender who is sexually and emotionally attracted to people of the same or a similar sex or gender. Often used alongside lesbian.
">gay</dfn></a>, it's not fear I hate myself so much, I hate the pervert who abused me, I hate everything right now. Yesterday I cut my wrists but it wasn't deep enough. I don't want to die but I find hard living right now. This evening I cut my face. What happened the weekend means I'm gay? Am I becoming gay? What can I do to prevent it? How can I stop remembering? It's just too embarrassing to talk to anybody. If I was a girl I could do it, but come on, I'm a man. Men don't let these things happen. I'm just trash.</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/abuse_assault/healing_and_dealing_with_triggers_and_fears_as_a_male_sexual_abuse_survivor">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> GenderAbuse & AssaultAdviceabusecounselinggayhealinghelpidentitymalemenrapeself-caresexual abusesexual orientationsupportsurvivortriggersWed, 07 Jan 2009 15:09:24 +0000Heather Corinna2379 at http://www.scarleteen.comNavigating sex and sexuality after a long history of abuse and assaulthttp://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/navigating_sex_and_sexuality_after_a_long_history_of_abuse_and_assault
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>When I was younger, (think 8 to begin with) my uncle kissed me on the mouth and told me that was the way I was supposed to kiss boys. It catapulted me out of normal 8 year old states of mind and left me obsessing about <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3311"><dfn title="Different things people choose to do to actively express or enact sexuality and sexual feelings; often this involves genitals, but not always. The word sex also means a way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.">sex</dfn></a>. I masturbated A LOT and had what I thought years later what might have been an <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3354"><dfn title="An event typically in response to physical or intellectual sexual stimulation, controlled by the involuntary nervous system. Orgasm often results in muscle contractions in and around the genitals, other muscular spasms throughout the body, and a feeling of sexual and/or tension release.">orgasm</dfn></a> at 11.</p>
<p>I thought that everyone was as sex obsessed as I was, which was probably due to the enormous amounts of media attention paid to having sex, trying to have sex, making yourself sexy enough to have sex, etc. It might also be useful to add that I was way ahead in school, so my peer group were at least 2 years older than I was, meaning that the boys around me were hitting <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3486"><dfn title="The process of physical and sexual changes from childhood to adulthood, initiated by hormone signals from the brain to the gonads. Puberty usually takes several years to complete -- sometimes even more then five or six -- and changes the brain, bones, muscles, skin, breasts and reproductive organs. ">puberty</dfn></a> when I started this crazy <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3348"><dfn title="About or relating in some way to sex or sexuality.">sexual</dfn></a> revolution...</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/relationships/navigating_sex_and_sexuality_after_a_long_history_of_abuse_and_assault">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> RelationshipsSexualityAbuse & AssaultAdviceabuseboyfriendcircles of sexualitycommunicationcounselingexplorationfamilyfantasyhealinglimitsmasturbationpartnerpositive sexualityraperecoverysafe wordsexsexual assaultsexualitysolosurvivortherapytraumaMon, 17 Nov 2008 03:00:41 +0000CJ2299 at http://www.scarleteen.comI might be pregnant, but don't want to tell my parents.http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/i_might_be_pregnant_but_dont_want_to_tell_my_parents
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>What should I do if I think I am pregnant but I don't want my mum or dad knowing?</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/advice/i_might_be_pregnant_but_dont_want_to_tell_my_parents">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> Pregnancy & ParentingRelationshipsSexual HealthAdviceabortionadoptionchoicescounselingdecisionhelpoptionsparentingparentspregnancypregnanttestswomenSat, 01 Nov 2008 19:03:23 +0000Heather Corinna2266 at http://www.scarleteen.comI was molested on an airplane: was it my fault?http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/i_was_molested_on_an_airplane_was_it_my_fault
<div class="question"><div class="question-question"> <p>When flying on a plane back to New York I ended up sitting next to a man who had the wrong idea about me. He started out by complimenting me but the moment I lay down to sleep he started <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3313"><dfn title="Pressing one's lips against someone else's lips or some other body part to express affection and/or to seek out or provide sexual pleasure. May also include the tongue.">kissing</dfn></a> me and feeling my breasts and ass sexually without my <a class="glossary-term" href="/glossary/term/3340"><dfn title="To agree to do something or give permission. In the context of sex, a person is giving full consent/is consenting when they freely and actively agree to do something sexual with someone else; however, the person still has the right to change their mind at any point. A person is NOT consenting if they do not actively agree, have been forced or pressured in some way or are in a state where they are incapable of full consent (such as when asleep, under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or below the age of consent).
">consent</dfn></a>. This happened the day after I turned 18 and he made two very obvious attempts to engage me in something I wasn't into and didn't want. When I returned to my seat after a while the guy noticed that I was pissed and began talking to me about his reasons, one of which was that he asked for consent and that I gave it to him. I don't remember his asking or my consent partly because I was in a state of half asleep and listening to my ipod on maximum volume. The two of us had four seats to ourselves which I used to push him away from me after the fact, however throughout the rest of the flight and the last few days I have had a nagging feeling in the back of my head that I somehow told him it was okay even though it felt completely wrong and one sided.</p>
</div></div><div class="more-link"><a href="/article/abuse_assault/i_was_molested_on_an_airplane_was_it_my_fault">read The answer</a> | <a href="/question/">ask your own</a></div> Abuse & AssaultAdviceabuseblamecounselingexploitationharassmenthealingmolestationpowerpreventionraperecoveryreportingselfsexualsexual assaultsupportsurviving abuseThu, 27 Mar 2008 00:52:52 +0000Heather Corinna1699 at http://www.scarleteen.com