This is a little bit of what is going on inside of me recently taken from my journal today…

“I feel as if I should express on paper all that is whirling around inside of my inner man. It is a war on the inside. A battle between depression, self-hatred, and apathy and joy in Your presence, love, and fiery devotion. I am an extreme person. I cannot hang, in between, in the place of life as ‘ok’. It is either awful or absolutely wonderful.

I am not stable in my emotions, yet. It just takes one thing to set me off diving or sky rocketing. One thought, one look, one word, one song, one verse. But oh how I long to be thrust into everlasting joy and devotion never to return to the other extreme.

To believe, oh if it would become reality. The heart of my Father and the love of my Bridegroom. Make it reality in me, God! I am tired of agreeing with the enemy. This is NOT OK with me, yet I continue to do it!

Oh the wrestle in my soul! I have to be Yours! Fully and completely. I have to be grounded on the Rock. I give myself to pursuing You forever. I will not stop. I can do nothing else. Even with the wrestle and battle. Even in my immaturity and weak love.

Oh that I would have the depths of You! Oh that I would walk confident in Your love and walk in unbroken communion with the One whom my soul loves! I have to have breakthrough! I have to get over the fear of rejection. In my mind I look at everything as an opportunity to be rejected or I see it as me being rejected. And I have been living out of this place.

Let Your perfect love case out fear! I want to see myself as You see me! I am tired of the enemy having his way with what I think about myself. I want to declare, ‘wonderful are You works and that my soul knows very well’ and know it without a shadow of a doubt.

Jesus, I have to have greater revelation of You and what You did on the cross. If I did, then I would know the love and value You have put on my life. But I know there is nothing I can ‘do’, so here I am God, have Your way with me. Pour out grace. Pour out Your Spirit. Give me Your mind, Your will and Your emotions. Break-in God! Destroy whatever is erected against the knowledge of You!

It is a war on the inside, its the arena, to demonstrate my love for You.

I will war forever to be in love with You!”

___________________________

I am not perfect, and my life is not perfect. But One Thing is, and that is God! And I wouldn’t live any other way, or for any other thing. I praise You!!! I love You!!!

My friend and roommate, Carol, who I’ve blogged about before and put up pictures, turned the big 20 today! For her present I did one of my new favorite hobbies, I made her a journal. Or actually I designed her a new cover for her old one. And what is her passion? Praying for the ending of Abortion and a culture of life in America. She is head of our Bound4life Central North Carolina.

Here is the finished cover!

The baby on the front is Isabella Grace, my friend Tiffany’s baby. This was when she was 16 weeks in the womb. She is still in the womb, yet to be born. But she is coming soon!

The past few days I have been going through some journals of mine. I started journaling 3 1/2 years ago and haven’t stopped since.

I journal things that the Lord is teaching me, notes from preaching and teaching, but mainly my life. Its basically one big prayer to the Lord. I write out a lot of my emotions and situations that are happening, so I can get a different perspective on it. And then I cry out to the Lord to make me more like Him.

It is crazy the journey I have been on. What is so crazy is that Jesus still loves me through it all. Oh my goodness I can’t express it enough. How amazing is our GOD! I have been selfish, moody, hurtful, unforgiving, revengeful, ridiculous, jealous, full of strife and dissension and unloving. I’ve spent many times seeking other things to satisfy me. To fill this craving inside of me to be loved. This desire in me to be special. This desire in me to be someone’s favorite. I’ve searched high and low for it. When I knew that there was only One who could fill it. All of it. And He loved me. I didn’t even have to do anything to have His love.

There He was waiting for me to return, with His arms open wide. All I have to do is say “yes” to Him. And I ravish His heart. I just have to look at Him, give Him even a little bit of my attention and His heart is captured by me.

And you know what? When I realize this love, and I stop seeking all those empty things and I turn my attention to my God, oh how my heart is ravished by HIS love! I am His favorite (so are you, that’s the mystery with God), He does desire me, I am special to Him.

I was created to know this Love, and to love Him. This is why I exist. Because out of this place of knowing His love and loving Him, I am glorifying Him with everything I possible can. He gets all the glory! Its all about Him.

We like to think our lives are our own. But if we are followers of Jesus Christ, they are not ours. So here is my life Jesus! Take all of it and leave none of it behind! Fill me with Yourself! Do what you want with me, have all of me!!!

This is my life. The life of a weak, broken, dark human, filled with the Spirit of God, allowing (or trying to allow) the Spirit to live the life of Jesus through me. Wow.