Thursday, January 13, 2011

This is so true and so funny. Like make you cry you're laughing so hard and try not to wet your pants laughing. Because let's be real, this sounds like my life. Some good old fashioned parenting lessons (or reminders) for those in all seasons of life.

Lesson 11. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.Lesson 2Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3A really good way to discover how the nights with a baby might feel…

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.Lesson 4Can you stand the mess children make? To find out…

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?Lesson 5Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a metal garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 81. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s ‘Noggin’?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.Lesson 11Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Now excuse me. My "goats" are running wild and the "octopus" needs changing.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Look really close. Can you see them? All pearly and white and pointy and making me forget how to sleep through the night. I got these just in time to turn 7 months old. (Let's not even get started on the fact that she's 7 months old).

I also learned another new trick. I'm pretty steady and hardly ever tip. I perfected this skill over break, while wearing Christmas leg warmers.

From the mama...I'm not one to make New Year's Resolutions. So let's call this a goal and not a resolution shall we? It is my goal to post at least once a week. Also, to cut out all bias and equally represent all of my children. Ahem. You almost forgot I had 3 kiddos didn't you? We wouldn't want anyone to get oldest or middle child syndrome. There we go, all fair and square.

This year is sure to be filled with firsts for everyone in our family. Looking forward to living and growing and learning as a family!

About Me

Dave and I have been married for seven and a half years. We have two wonderful boys, Jackson (6) and Will (4) and an almost 1 year old (yikes!) girl, Avery. Dave works as the Athletic Director at Holland Christian High School. He also coaches boys varsity lacrosse. I have the wonderful job of being home with the kiddos. We spend lots of time building train tracks, doing puzzles, and playing game. Not to mention changing diapers, feeding and loving on a newborn. For just me, I enjoy reading, crafting and sewing. We keep busy and are always making memories! We hope this blog will be a way to record, remember, and share the happenings of our family.