I thought I would write about my pokemon, but as if they had the life of a modern human. Funny....and weird. Please rate and vote!!!
PART 1-

A crisp ocean breeze swept through Espe's long and silky fur. She stood on a cliff, waiting for her ride to take her to her friends. It had been a rough day, and Espe really needed some help. She gently set down her Pokedex she was looking in and sat down. Hours had passed, and yet no one had arrived. Espe was starting to get worried, but she kept her cool. She remembered that Lazlo was always late.
Espe dozed off for a few hours, until the insane pecking of a sharp beak alarmingly woke her up. She jumped up and charged power, waiting to unleash her Hyper Beam. "How dare you attempt to injure me you creep! You shall pay!" Espe yelled. "Espe, no! It's only me, Lazlo! I'm ready to take you to the Battle Frontier! Don't hurt me!!!" She paused, and she let her Hyper Beam immedietly stop charging. "It's about time you showed up. You're six hours late." "Just hop on my back. My steel wings shall take you to your friends." Lazlo said quietly. Espe got on the Skarmory's back, and she flew away.
End of part 1.
PART 2-
Xaliaphous yawned. It was almost midnight, and Espe hadn't showed up. Tiger was already asleep, using his Noctowl's wings as a blanket. Suddenly a large black fiqure appeared above the clouds. Lazlo and Espe were finally here. She waved, and then got a shovel and some cold water.
"Wake up you dunce! Espe's here!" Xaliaphous was drizzling water all over Tiger. Noctowl cawed and fled. After a while, Tiger sprang up. "Wha...What time is it?! It's dark out!" "Well of course it's dark. It's 2:00 in the morning. Espe is 9 hours late. Set up the tent." He growled, but did as Xaliaphous told him. Lazlo flew down, and shook a sleeping Espe off. She banged her head and woke up. "You're finally here. Finally. Now hurry. Get the rubber. Raichid could be coming, that annoying little freak of nature..." Espe nodded. She got the rubber, and called everyone to the tent.
Dawn approched, and of course, Raichid came running down the road. He rammed the tent again and again, screaming loudly. "Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! WAKE UP!!!!" A huge claw smashed out the tent. It grabbed the Raichu's tail. "Leave me alone Raichid. I mean it..." Raichid fled.
End of part 2
Part three and four later!

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Sat Jun 17, 2006 11:34 pm

Valentine

Pokemon Master

Joined: Thu Jun 15, 2006 4:59 pmPosts: 2399Location: feel the mambo

I'm back!

PART 3-
After that experience with Xaliaphous' claw, Raichid tried to walk east, until he noticed that he was crashing into the wall several times. He looked to the south, and saw a beautiful white ship. Raichid had to get on it and take a ride. But how? After a short while, Raichid came up with a plan.
Raichid wandered about the Battle Frontier, looking for a berry tree. He walked down to the southwest and came face to bark with an odd tree. "Hmm, I wonder how this tree will react if I put water on it. I remember something about this tree. Was it called Sudotreeo?" He dipped his small paws into the water, and threw some at the tree. It swifty turned around. The "tree" roared. Soon enough, Raichid was getting his punishment for being an idiot. He was going to get pumbled by a tree. A rather fat tree.
The battle commenced. Raichid used Thunder Wave, and Sudowoodo used Block. A giant alphabet block dropped from the sky, and Raichid noticed a two year-old was sitting on it. "That's your idea of Block?! What do you take me for, a hobo?!" He asked in a yelling voice. "Yes." He used Double Team over and over, hoping that Sudowoodo would miss. After a long while of missing, Raichid was getting bored. He asked Sudowoodo if he could help him. The tree reluctantly agreed. The twosome walked to the dock.
After working out his plan, Raichid showed Sudowoodo his paper. "But Raichid, this is a bunch of scribbles! Can't you be more organized?!" "It's supposed to be a bunch of scibbles. If we get caught, we can show off our brilliant paper!""Or you could bore 'em to death..." He attempted to push Sudowoodo into the water, but he failed. The tree-thing did as the master "plan" said and tackled the sailors. Raichid slid beneath the dock and jolted a sharp clap of Thunder. The sailors, oddly, exploded. The ship was now open! End of Part 3.
PART 4-
Raichid and Sudowoodo walked in the ship and went to their room. But before they went in, the Raichu glanced an evil look to Sudowoodo. "Hey, sailor! This guy wants to have a dip in the water before we leave!" The tree shrieked. "What are you thinking?!?! I'll drown!" "That's part of my plan... " The sailor dragged Sudowoodo to the dock again and threw him in. Bye Sudowoodo! Raichid went to him room and laid on his bed. He took a nap.
After about 4 hours the ship had made land in Lillycove. Raichid waltzed out the ship and off the dock. He made a direct route to the store. "Now that I ripped off the Sudowoodo's cash, I can buy me some potions and antidotes." He walked in and took the elevator, even though the floor he wanted was one staircase away. Raichid quickly snatched all the items he could find, but he left his change. 2 cents... He ran out the door.
It was sunset once again. Espe and Tiger were setting up the tent with rubber coating. Xaliaphous was out picking berrys for dinner. Fuzzbucket was looking at her artwork she painted earlier that day with berry paste. She licked her picture with delight. Xaliaphous arrived with a bowl full of Pecha, Oran, Figy, and Hondew berrys. They all helped themselves, but Xaliaphous stared out at the horizon for a moment. "I just know he's in a lot of trouble right now..." End of Part 4.
Parts 5 and 6 later!

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Sun Jun 18, 2006 6:32 am

Banov

Dragon Tamer

Joined: Tue Jun 06, 2006 8:14 pmPosts: 149Location: PA, USA

What's with the parts? Why do you have to divide the chapters even further?!

The chapters are short, and you grammar is good for the most part ignoring you don't paragraph. Maybe if you did the length would look better.

For each set of quotes that denote talking, there should be a new paragraph. It's difficult to read now. The evil smiley you had is bad. There's exactly any plot at all... This fic is based on your personal pokemon, right? It may be interesting for you, but readers need a plot to get interested.

For instance, the sudowoodo randomly attacks raichid, then agrees to help it with no reason. The hell?

Sun Jun 18, 2006 8:57 am

Valentine

Pokemon Master

Joined: Thu Jun 15, 2006 4:59 pmPosts: 2399Location: feel the mambo

Yeah, you seem right..

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Last edited by Valentine on Wed Jul 05, 2006 6:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sun Jun 18, 2006 9:17 am

Banov

Dragon Tamer

Joined: Tue Jun 06, 2006 8:14 pmPosts: 149Location: PA, USA

You're giving up because you got some critisism? That's.... that's pretty bad. But, I guess it's for the better since you obviously weren't devoted at all to the story...

Sun Jun 18, 2006 9:29 am

Valentine

Pokemon Master

Joined: Thu Jun 15, 2006 4:59 pmPosts: 2399Location: feel the mambo

Well, I'm not totally giving up on storywriting. Just this story is a little boring to me...I always think up new ones.

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Sun Jun 18, 2006 2:51 pm

Orange_Flaaffy

Pokemon Trainer

Joined: Fri Jun 09, 2006 12:11 pmPosts: 48

You need to work more on pacing, grammar and spelling. Not to say I am the best at that ether but...
It is not so much that you story itself is awful as it is you do not take the time to write about anything in detail that your pokemon do. Even with the best story idea in the world it is not enough to just say matter of factly 'After a while, Tiger sprang up' and the like. The readers need to feel like they are there...

Also, it is a very bad idea to type your story right into the forums or the moment after you write it, without any editing. Even the best authors words are not golden the first time they touch the page, and sloppy writing will be noticed right from the start by writers who have seen more than their share of fanfic. If you need a beta reader, use one, it helps.

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