The Thanksgiving Act of 2009: A New Way to Celebrate

With all of the brouhaha surrounding the health care debate, another bill was passed by Congress and signed by President Obama with little notice.

Called the Thanksgiving Act of 2009, it makes major changes in the way Americans of all colors and creeds celebrate Thanksgiving in accordance with hope and change. So as Americans get ready to celebrate the big day -- first by stuffing themselves full of food and then by sitting down in front of the television for a football game -- they should note the provisions within the new legislation.

To wit:

Giving thanks to God, family, and friends for your blessings -- or your great-aunt Edna for not making her signature lime Jell-O salad with fruit cocktail, coconut, and miniature marshmallows -- is no longer allowed. We must now give thanks to Government (with a capital G) for all of the good things that the wise, all-knowing educated people who run the Government provide to all Americans through its beneficent generosity funded by taxpayer dollars.

Over the river and through the woods -- Thanksgiving travel to spend the day with family and friends has become an American tradition. Beginning this year, if you plan to travel to someone else’s home -- even if it’s just across town -- you must do so via public transportation or a pre-approved carpool. If you choose to use your own vehicle, you’ll be slapped with a special Thanksgiving travel tax, the money from which will go to save the planet.

While turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce may still be served, it’s important that foods from various ethnic traditions be included at every American table, because for too long Thanksgiving has been a racist holiday that excludes too many multicultural customs. To that end, menus in all households should include foods such as falafel, dried Icelandic cod, General Tso’s chicken, sushi, curried lamb, tacos, and spotted dick. “Sustainable” ingredients purchased locally are also a must. A list of acceptable foods can be found at www.TellingYouWhatToEat.gov.

The traditional Thanksgiving centerpiece of a cornucopia, flower arrangement, paper turkey, or candles is out. An Organizing for America-approved diorama featuring the first family seated around the table in the White House dining room is in.

In order to save electricity and save the planet, all cooking must be done between 11 p.m. the night before and 5 a.m. With this important issue in mind, using a flat-screen television larger than 58 inches to watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and various football games is strictly prohibited. Finally, using a dishwasher is also forbidden due to energy and phosphate concerns, and all dishes will be done by hand (preferably in cold water).

Obesity is an epidemic that is sweeping America and portion control, even on festive days of celebration, will be strictly enforced. Therefore, two slices of turkey and half a cup of each side dish, with one-eighth cup of low-fat gravy lightly drizzled over all, is the new norm, and a nutrition information label will be required for every item. Also, only one slice of pie per person will be allowed -- so choose your favorite carefully.

It’s scandalous that in this land of plenty, there are still people who won’t have Thanksgiving dinner. Food pantry offerings, civic groups “adopting” families, and soup kitchens are a nice idea, but the problem with them lies in the fact that they are run by private-sector individuals and charities. Consequently, every family in America will be assigned dinner guests who, because they are unfortunate in their inability to provide a substantial holiday meal for themselves or their families, will share yours. Please note that they will not be expected to help you cook, serve, or clean up, as that would be considered degrading to their situation. In addition, your menu must be pre-approved by the caseworker assigned to you to be sure that no food your “guests” might dislike or otherwise find offensive will be served. If your “guests” do not speak English, you will be required to provide an interpreter if you are one of those isolationist types who are too self-absorbed to learn another language. Finally, your “guests” will be entitled to take home all of the leftovers. They need them more than you do.