Archive for July, 2010

The advancement of Mr. Alvin Greene, Democratic nominee for the Senate from South Carolina, has inspired a brand new segment of the Bizarreville population to consider seeking government office. The so-called “air head” sector has become a larger and larger political force in the country, and many feel it is about time for this group to be fairly represented. Besides, most everyone has realized that you do not need to be that smart to be in the Senate anyway.

Mr. Greene started this movement by surprisingly capturing the South Carolina Senate Democratic primary. He was an unemployed man who had just been involuntarily tossed out of the military after getting numerous poor evaluations, citing him as an ineffective leader who lacked organization and was unable to express thoughts clearly. He ran in the primary with basically no money, no campaigning, no website, few appearances…somehow managing to win overwhelmingly. Pundits were initially confused about the outcome, until they determined that the jugheads, bean brains, and noodle noggen citizens in the state rallied together, came out in force to vote, and pushed him to easy victory.

Even though Mr Greene has some sort of college degree, he is appealing to the constituency of illiterate, uneducated knuckleheads who want a voice…even if it is a voice that can’t utter a coherent thought. Other low-IQ people are now considering a run at political office, according to officials at the National Association of High School Dropouts and Beauty School Dropouts. “Our members are sick and tired of smart, educated people thumbing their noses at them. And they are particularly sick and tired of lawyer types and other elitists who drive around in their Buicks, and couldn’t care less about people who just happen to have mush between their ears. Our members are starting to figure out where the polling places are, and believe me, they will start showing up on Election Day… if they don’t forget.”

Senior Senators were initially taken back by the fear of having dozens of low-IQ’ers part of their esteemed body. They considered trying to pass a quick measure to establish a minimum 50 IQ standard to be qualified to serve in the Senate. During the debate, however, it was pointed out that many of the current incumbents might not pass the 50 IQ standard, so the issue has been tabled for now. Some Senators are taking it in stride, and think the new wave of nincompoops could actually work to their advantage. “Smart people can be a disadvantage,” said one Senator. “The smart ones tend to ask too many questions on every bill, over-analyze every paragraph and clause, argue points ad-nauseum. Getting a few drones in here will make life much simpler…just vote this way, and shut up. I’m starting to like it already.”

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

With the Bizarreville public school system in such an utter financial mess and facing infrastructure collapse, officials have formed committees, task forces, and special focus groups to help develop solutions. The School Commission retained noted pollster Dimbleweed and Frumpp Inc. to gauge public acceptance/relunctance to enact a tax increase to aid the struggling school programs. Over 2000 people were surveyed and interviewed from a cross-section of citizens.

The poll found that 49% of people surveyed favored a tax increase to pour good, new dollars into previously failed school programs. 39 percent opposed any sort of new tax, while 12% did not understand the question.

Initially, analysts thought this was a shocking result. On closer examination, however, the picture became clearer. Nearly all of the 49 percent favoring increased taxes were people who pay no taxes themselves, and are card-carrying bonefide lunks who sponge off the system. Exit poll interviews with them revealed a strong desire to soak the rich a little more, especially those with jobs, savings accounts, credit cards instead of debit cards, and/or families without one or more deadbeat dads. Interviewees felt that the best way to solve the school system problems was to piss away more money at it, especially since it was not their money. One interviewee, to make a point, dropped his drawers and peed on a nearby mailbox.

“Education is important,” another survey-respondent said, “and we need to support our schools. In fact, we need to give all the teachers a raise, build some new buildings, and rehire teachers who were fired just because they’re not so good at teaching. And while we’re at it, we need more free lunches with better food besides just pizza and salads. And different flavor shakes besides just chocolate and vanilla…get some variety.”

It is still not certain how the Commission will use these poll results in determining how to bolster the sagging system. Taxes may be part of the answer, but since fewer and fewer people actually pay tax anymore, there will need to be a broader-based solution. A sub-committee has been formed to deal with non-tax proposals, but so far has not come up with any ideas.

Federal officials have been outspoken about states wanting to take illegal immigration control into their own hands. They have been particularly disturbed about Arizona’s proposed law which would give the right to law enforcement to check residency status for scoundrels who rob a convenience store, drive like reckless maniacs, or beat up an innocent child. Candidates running in primary elections in many other states have stated they support the Arizona law, and would push to have it adopted in their state, if elected.

Government officials have threatened to file law suits over these laws or proposed laws to head them off at the pass. They say that the federal government has firm quotas on how many illegals are allowed to enter the country, and if states start cracking down, they may fall short of meeting their quotas for illegals.

“We had several months last winter where we fell disappointingly short,” said Illegal Immigration Czar Jose Mafunknutz. “We tried to open the borders more, even offered free tacos and beer at several border stations, but still could not seem to draw enough interest. Volume has picked up recently, but we’re afraid that when cold weather starts hitting the midwest, there will be another falloff as the potential aliens elect to just stay home.”

Malfunknutz is very concerned about the potential for profiling if the Arizona law becomes template for other states. “You cannot discriminate against a person just because he or she is involved in drug trafficking, drunken driving, causing a public nuisance by peeing in alleys, or all of the above. That is clearly profiling, and totally illegal. We have staffs of lawyers who will protect the rights of the drunken public pissers to the fullest extent, and warn all police officers that we will go after their badges if they engage in this type of blatant discrimination. Come on…let’s all get along…after all, when people gotta go, they gotta go.”

State governments seem unfazed by the federal sword rattling, and are proceeding with crack-down plans regardless.

All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.

The President and his crack staff of spendaholics had made campaign promises to not come up with any new taxes. But they still had the insatiable appetite to spend, spend, and spend a little more. Like a 400-pound chowhound sitting behind a plate of savory double bacon cheeseburgers, the temptation was simply irresistable. Yes, they would engorge themselves with those meaty burgers…but how would they pay the tab? What sucker could they get to pick up the check?

The President had an idea….roll back old tax cuts. Naturally that wouldn’t be a tax increase, per se. It would just be the expiration of a tax decrease…in his mind, a totally acceptable loophole that could withstand the “depends on what the definition of ‘is’ is” kind of legal scrutiny. Moreover, it would be an action that the President could undertake and have a complete illusion of a clear conscience. After all, he had previously made speeches about the millions of job loss avoidances from his stimulus programs….this latest idea was certainly no more a truth-stretcher than that one.

So, they rolled back the Bush tax cuts, all of them: the ones that benefited the filthy rich bastards, the ones that helped the semi-filthy middle class creeps, and the ones that gave a spark to the not-too-filthy lower incomers. Oh, there was joy in the White House, and high-fives all around as the nasty tax cuts finally met their maker.

But then, Gilbert Shnoodle, senior adviser to the President, suggested they go ahead and roll back the Reagan tax cuts. “Sure!” cried the staffers, “Why not? Why not take a little more hide away from all those greedy SOB’s?” So, they immediately passed legislation to cancel those old Reagan tax cuts, driving top marginal rates to 70 percent. By this time, the martinis were flowing freely, and any inhibitions about being a radical dirtbag flew out the window.

Another staffer suggested: “Why stop there? There have been many Presidents who have cut taxes over the years.” Before you knew it, they had rolled back the Nixon, Kennedy, Eisenhower, Truman, and Hoover tax cuts. By the time it was over, the average tax rate was 62%, and the top marginal rate was 94%. The staffers were so ecstatic, they went ahead and had a toga party.

There was some public bemoaning and bellyaching about this new radical tax policy. But Administration officials insisted that the President completely abided by his promise of no new taxes…never said anything about unearthing some of the golden oldies.

All Stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that seem sorta real.