Stop what you’re doing for a second. Turn down your TV, radio, etc. Listen real hard. You hear that? That faint “Whaaaaaaahhhhhhhh” sound out there in the distance. Yeah, that one. That’s the sound of “real Americans” who drape themselves in the flag at the drop of a hat because they fancy themselves as America-loving “patriots” who now want their states to secede from the union because Obama won a second term. Whhhhhhaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh…somebody call the wambulance for them!

Oh wait, what’s that other sound off in the distance? That other distinct “Whaaaaaaahhhhh” coming from over the horizon? Oh those are just dickhead billionaire CEOs like that Papa John’s guy, the guy being sued for a quarter of a billion dollars for texting customers like a crazy ex, who are threatening employee layoffs and cutbacks to offset them possibly having to pay more in taxes rather than just raising the price of each pizza a few cents. Take it away, Jon Stewart!

I do have to say, even though it’s my home state and I love it with every ounce of my existence, it annoys me to no end to hear New Yorkers rag on “Those dumb secessionist states” when we are one of the 20 who filed petitions.