I'm not sure if I'd properly count as asexual, but it's absolutely the case that I haven't had sex for... hang on let me work it out... 11 years? Something like that.

Had a couple of relationships in my mid twenties that went incredibly sour fast, and after that something just sort of clicked in my brain, leaving me not really interested in a relationship with anyone that's stronger than 'friendship'. Maybe I'm damaged, but I don't feel like I am. Sex was never a big part of my life even when I was in a relationship, so the fact I'm probably not going to 'get any' ever again doesn't seem to bother me. I suspect my parents are disappointed that I'm not going to marry off and produce grandkids, but they've never vocalised that in conversation.

That's not to say I have no sex drive at all, it's just that what little I have I'm capable of taking care of by myself, heh.

Honestly Flaybo, and I say this as a person who's been told he "likes women to a fault," I think you shouldn't feel the slightest regret for being who you are.

One of the things that I think makes humans so exceptional is that we are apparently the only species wherein "consent" is even a concept. Mating isn't a chemical lightswitch for us, and when we want to do something awesome like go to the moon we're capable of saying "no sex, too busy." And I think that's awesome.

Just spent the best part of an hour crafting a post then the forum takes me to the main page when I preview, fucking fuck.

Anyway may try for a longer post later.

@Flaybo I am in the same boat as you, not has sex in about the same amount of time, though there may be a fuzzyness on how to define sex. I wouldn't say asexual because I am hetero. I just have no drive to have that kind of relationship.

Flabyo and DocThank you for contributing to the asexual part of the conversation. It's really intriguing to hear that point of view. I like to think of myself as being very empathetic and able to see most points of view fairly easily, but this is one that's really difficult for me to understand. I appreciate you sharing.

My main problem with polyamory is all the damn drama. Whenever I've had friend that have practiced it and had multiple partners on the go, there's always someone that's unhappy. Which often leads to complicated arguments and fights and blame. Unless it's compartmentalised, people don't seem to have the same levels of attachment and it's never in alignment, so gets messy very quickly.

I have a sneaking suspicion that it's this sort of attention that some people who are attracted to polyamory crave as much as any sort of sexual freedom.

I just couldn't be doing with all that.

My attitude is that I'm not going to insist on monogamy, but I don't want to know what else goes on, and it must never affect my life in any way. If a partner wanted to see anyone else on a regular basis, as I'm not entirely stupid, I'd expect them to break up with me, and even then I probably wouldn't want to know why and wouldn't ask.

Be safe, don't bring drama home ever, don't wanna know, if it gets serious, make a damn choice. I'd hope for and expect about the same, but when I've been in relationships that were going well, I just couldn't be bothered looking outside them.

So, yeah, that probably comes under 'Monogamish', but I've really little time for people that label themselves 'poly-' and actively avoid them as ain't got time for the drama that it always seems to come with.

I would not say that I'm attracted to drama, nor that my monogamous relationships were completely clear of drama.

Relationships & people who don't communicate cause "drama".

Edit: And kindly remember that these grand sweeping statements you're making about "some people" is including the many of us in this thread who are identifying with this lifestyle. So, you're being insulting right now.

It's the very insistence on communication that I feel causes much of the drama.

I, of course, am only going on personal observation, and its generally the case that if you have a relationship with someone you're either going to break up or watch one or the other die, so there's 'drama' potential in any relationship, but some of the worst cases of heartbreak I've ever seen were when someone was in love with someone who held it as their right to have sex with othe people and then insisted on 'communicating' all about it.

I've a real problem with polyamory being seen as a 'lifestyle' for mainly this reason, because it seems to come with a set of rules and assumptions and a lot of shaming of people who're 'selfish' for having feelings for someone else.

I apologise for speaking in general terms, but I won't apologise if any take insult at my opinions. Perhaps I could have phrased it as 'in my personal experience, several of the people I've known who claimed to be practicing enlightened polyamory have seriously hurt others in avoidable ways, and then blamed them for being hurt as if its their failing.'

Monogamy isn't for everyone, sure, that's okay. But non-monogamy feels a bit like its been politicised and has become a club with rules - especially the insistence on communication - when maybe mutually respectful discretion is a better strategy.

That took me a stupid amount of time to figure out for myself in my relationships both romantic and platonic.

@Oddcult, I've always looked at it as the communication included aspects such as personal limits and being honest with what's okay to talk about and what's not. It's less drama and more accomadating for all people involved. If one person is hurting another in a relationship then there is a lack of communication and concern for the person's feelings.

In your experience you saw this not work out. That doesn't mean that ALL are like that. And believe me, I say this as someone who had to work through my own issues with someone who didn't respect my boundaries.

If you don't have a problem with being insulting via generalization, consider this a warning.

Whoa. Come on, I'm not directly being abusive here. I have an opinion that is based on personal observation. I'm not stereotyping or offering direct insult.

Holding an opinion that others may disagree with, and take insult at, is quite different to 'insulting' them.

So please don't twist my words or put words in my mouth. As I'd feel that this was quite insulting in turn.

If anyone disagrees with what I've said, it would be more useful to counter it with examples of experiences and a dissection of what I've said and how any why it may be an inappropriate assessment, if it is. Just saying that an opinion I hold is 'insulting' does not progress the discussion, and conversely, shuts it down.

If this is all about diversity and respecting opinions and communicating, why not partake in that, instead of just taking offence?

What I mean is that the dissolution of many of my relationships, monogamous or not, were due to an inability to communicate with each other. We hid things from each other, we hid ourselves from each other, and this ultimately led to one or both of us being unhappy. I'm happier now in my open relationship because I do get to talk about things, whether it's who I'm fucking or even a simple thing like what's bothering me.

But, if someone is in love with me, and they don't want to know what I get up to on the nights that I don't see them, it means they aren't right for me. I don't think it's right to torture someone who doesn't want to hear it, but again, if me being me is that upsetting, then it's a sign that the relationship isn't going to work. I don't think that doing it behind someone's back is in any way right and I'd rather be single than hurt someone else and myself by going through that kind of relationship, because I think it's unhealthy.

Again, that's just for me and those are *my* boundaries. Not all poly people are like that. Hell, not all monogamous people are like that. But that's why I'm not sleeping with them if they don't agree with me. Because I'm not obligated to change myself just because someone went and did something silly like fall for me.

I have a sneaking suspicion that it's this sort of attention that some people who are attracted to polyamory crave as much as any sort of sexual freedom.

I say that calling people in my lifestyle as attention seekers/people who crave drama to be insulting. It's demeaning to reduce me like that. And then you say that *I* have to prove to you that I'm not because this is just your opinion, not a stereotype? C'mon man...

I'm just not for firmly defending beliefs on something that you don't personally relate to, you know? In my experience, all relationships have their drama and the drama is usually directly related to lack of communication and lack of respect for another person's feelings. It's universal. I think all relationships, romantic or not, need those things. If not...DRAMA.

Yes, it doesn't work out. But that's a problem with the individual, which happens accross the board.

"But, if someone is in love with me, and they don't want to know what I get up to on the nights that I don't see them, it means they aren't right for me. "

This is what I'm having real trouble understanding or empathising with here.

Why would you want that, in the first place, and what sort of person wants to hear it anyway? It seems to be some sort of test and I can't see how it wouldn't cause someone else anxiety for various reasons.

" I'm not obligated to change myself just because someone went and did something silly like fall for me."

Obliged, no, of course not, but it seems to be insisting on a rule that benefits you, that places restrictions on someone else in a way that ignores the fluidity of human interactions and relationships.

I have real trouble seeing how it would hurt you - the generic you, that is - to not see multiple people and talk about it all. Having to maintain *secrecy* sure, but that's different to discretion and not having to talk about it all.

If that's what you want to do and can find people to go along with it, fair enough, but it seems alien that the need to do it is also aligned with a requirement to discuss it.

This is perhaps the source of my belief in poly relationships going hand in hand with unnecessary drama.

"I say that calling people in my lifestyle as attention seekers/people who crave drama to be insulting. It's demeaning to reduce me like that. And then you say that *I* have to prove to you that I'm not because this is just your opinion, not a stereotype? C'mon man..."

Saying 'sneaking suspicion' is hardly making an outright assertion. Like I said, its based in observation of things that in no way could be called data.

But sure, you don't have to prove anything or say or do anything. I'm just saying that I'm open to having my mind changed and being convinced that the situations I observed were anomalies. Hell, I'd really like to think they were.

Obliged, no, of course not, but it seems to be insisting on a rule that benefits you, that places restrictions on someone else in a way that ignores the fluidity of human interactions and relationships.

From my monogamous point of view, damn skippy. If a person can't understand, respect and appreciate the ground rules then, for me, the deal is off.

Many relationships end poorly and dramatically. Though I am thoroughly ignorant of polyamory, I'd guess (once again, ignorantly) that the simple fact that you are involving more people would increase your chances for drama.

You know when you read a good book and want to talk about it with someone?Or see a good movie or have a good idea or meet a nice person or eat a good meal?And you want to tell the people that you like that you had a nice experience because you're excited about this thing in your life that maybe you'll do again sometime?

If you're dating slash fucking slash whatevering a person and aren't having the kind of fun (or confusion, sometimes, or head-tilting intrigue, or etc.) that warrants talking about it to your dedicated partner, to me, that's kinda doin' it wrong. I allow that don't-ask-don't-tell works for many people and maybe that has nothing to do with jealousy. But for me I like hearing that my partner is happy. I like knowing what's on his mind. Even if it's the delicious curves of a woman who is not me.

ETA: Being able to listen to that sort of thing gets me a lot me compliments. Because I'm great and loving and accepting and open and I help my boyfriend by offering advice, instead of obsessing about where I fit in. The net result of kicking jealousy into a hole in the ground is a much more amazing relationship and an all-round lifting of spirits. It turns out I have no reason to be jealous of anyone, because I'm fucking awesome.

@BirdsUseStars, true. It's not for the faint of heart. Like many supremely worthwhile things. Coincidentally or not.

If you're the type of person who sees other people screw up and doesn't think 'Well, I'll be sure to try it differently,' this thread probably isn't where you belong. Shutting out an entire mode of relating to people based on the anecdotal evidence of failure ... well, shouldn't you just be single for the rest of your life? Relationship failure is everywhere.

From my monogamous point of view, damn skippy. If a person can't understand, respect and appreciate the ground rules then, for me, the deal is off.

Okay, and this is where I come round slightly to the other side, but maybe *some* negotiation, perhaps based on circumstances, can work out, if all reasonable precautions against pregnancy and STIs are taken. But, well, it's also a reasonable argument that monogamy is the best way of dealing with those possibilities.