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Topic: Who buys lunch? (Read 19461 times)

hmmm....it sounds like they have a good relationship. How many times a year do they see each other? If this is the first time it's been an issue, I don't think there really needs to be anything else done, but if his sister is cool toward him, or this isn't the first time it's happened they may need to come up with a new system. if it isn't the money, maybe they need to just pool their money once a year and set up an account or even a prepaid credit card/debit card earmarked just for dinners out, so when they are visiting, there is not pressure about who's going to pay. if they go out for dinner 4 times a year and the average dinner is $75.00, that's $300 a year. or $150.00 each. it can fluctuate, of course, depending on the number of people attending, but it would take a lot of pressure off.

This is the first time he has encountered this. Usually someone is always offering to pay before it becomes an issue. It just happened that no one offered this time because both sides assumed the other was paying.

The visits happen probably on average 6 times a year. maybe a little more now that my aunt has moved back to home state.

I think the thing that bugs me the most is that it seems like the grown-up son isn't apparently on the hook ever. It wouldn't bug me so much if the Aunt was the one who said "I paid last time, it's your turn". But for the cousin to say it bugs me. I get that he may have been thinking he was looking out for his mom, but that's where it gets extra uncomfortable to me.

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

I think the thing that bugs me the most is that it seems like the grown-up son isn't apparently on the hook ever. It wouldn't bug me so much if the Aunt was the one who said "I paid last time, it's your turn". But for the cousin to say it bugs me. I get that he may have been thinking he was looking out for his mom, but that's where it gets extra uncomfortable to me.

I agree! With the OP's update, it was actually Aunt's turn to pay up but since Aunt had paid the last time this particular cousin was there, cousin assumed it was Dad's turn. Cousin sounds like a peach...

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After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice: If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.

If the cousin truly thought that your dad intended to treat, why would he have read over the bill? If my DH says he wants to treat me to dinner, I would never grab the bill, read it, then hand it to him to pay. I think that would be rude and I think that the cousin was rude too. I would be upset if a person with no intention of paying the bill picked it up and read it. It's none of their business.

I think the thing that bugs me the most is that it seems like the grown-up son isn't apparently on the hook ever. It wouldn't bug me so much if the Aunt was the one who said "I paid last time, it's your turn". But for the cousin to say it bugs me. I get that he may have been thinking he was looking out for his mom, but that's where it gets extra uncomfortable to me.

Agreed. A 55 year old man (heck, a 25 year old man!) should not be acting like a dependent who's entitled to have his meal paid for by either Mommy or someone else.

But, this would all be solved if everyone would just pay for their own meals. Why is that so hard for people? The next time dad goes out, he should just say, "separate checks, please" when he places his order. The other people, whoever they are, will get the hint.

If the cousin truly thought that your dad intended to treat, why would he have read over the bill? If my DH says he wants to treat me to dinner, I would never grab the bill, read it, then hand it to him to pay. I think that would be rude and I think that the cousin was rude too. I would be upset if a person with no intention of paying the bill picked it up and read it. It's none of their business.

Yes, this exactly. When one is not paying all or part of the bill, one does not look at the bill. A meal is just like any other gift; one does not enquire how much the giver paid for it.

I can see why your father was confused, OP. Cousin gave all the signs of paying, but then foisted the bill off on someone else.

I wonder if something is going on between cousin and aunt that the OP and her father are not aware of. We realized that my grandmother was failing when we found out how much money she was spending for 'little' things. It's possible that cousin is being protective of his mom, and not realizing how he made the OP's father feel.

When my mother was in her later years, she didn't drive (and had a host of other medical things). My sister and I would visit her frequently and would also take her to stay with one of us for the occasional weekend. The commute/drive was longer for my sister than for me, if that matters. My mother loved to go out for lunch or dinner during these visits; she couldn't get out on her own and really didn't like to cook anymore.

During one visit, my mother remarked to me (in an annoyed/somewhat hurt tone) that my sister always expected her (my mother) to pay whenever they went out to dinner (I can't remember if mom said that sister said it was b/c of the travel to see her, or if I inferred that). She said that my sister would hand her the check or make a remark about mother paying. But it was obvious that it bothered my mother, for her to mention it to me. After that, I just didn't worry about any perceived equality when I went out to lunch with her; I just paid. And most of the time, my mother would give me some money or would offer to pay herself. But I didn't make a big deal out of it, and I certainly never just announced to my mother that she would be paying.

I get it; my mother didn't really have any objection to paying for at least herself, but she didn't want to be looked at as just a free lunch and that was how that aspect looked, with how my sister apparently handled it. I know there was the driving involved, with the tasks and chores, but my mother didn't really see that, or didn't register it anymore b/c it had just become her normal life. But my sister could have handled it better. My mother did appreciate all that we did, but she also got crotchety at times with all of her medical ailments (it's draining).

I think this whole issue is on the cousin, frankly, for the way he handled it. If he had no intention of paying, he should have stayed the heck out of it. And really, a 50 something man telling his elderly uncle to pay for him? Seriously? But I suppose he might have had a mindset like my sister, like "I'm doing the driving, and the least he can do is pay." But like my sister, he handled it very badly, and it came across as kind of gimme-piggish and entitled.''If your dad is still feeling weird about this whole thing, perhaps he could try a different tactic: get them a gas card. "I know I don't drive, so you always have to drive when you visit me. I do appreciate it, so I wanted to give you this to let you know that I do appreciate the effort. It's not much, but I hope it helps." Then the lunch cost is taken out of the equation. And I think the sons could start picking up the tab now and then; senior meals at most places are pretty inexpensive relative to the regular selections so them treating the two seniors wouldn't be as much of a burden as two normal meals. Of course, that's easier said than done.

If you'd like to help out your dad, how about you get him a couple of gift cards that would be just enough for his meal/beverage? Then he could introduce the concept of going dutch without seeming cheap. "Look, lkdrymom got me this gift card for XYZ restaurant! So my lunch is on her today! haha" Or even select the restaurant based on where he has the gift card, so the concept that "I'll pay for myself" is laid out on the table before they ever get to the restaurant. (He could even pay for the cards himself but just say the cards are from you, then he has the 'excuse'.)

From what I understood, no one here is hurting for money so this is all about people just being stingy (for lack of a better word). In my experience, the "fight" would be over who *is* paying rather than who is *not* paying, meaning all parties would insist or at least offer to pay each time, especially because this is not a lot of money we are talking about. That is why I think that the father is rightfully irked but is not likely to make any headway with the aunt and nephew who simply are not of the same generous mindset and he should either take the high road and cheerfully go into each lunch assuming he will be expected to pay, or just not go to lunch with these people if their stinginess bothers him so much (because it isn't about the money for them either, which is why I just don't get their mindset - why "ruin" a relationship over a $10 chicken sandwich??).