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Friendship w/Girl at Work

Normally friendships and relationships just seem to fall in my lap and come very easily to me, and this one hasn't, so I'm just off my game right now. I'd appreciate some outside perspective. Here's the facts:

-She's young, just out of college.
-She's cool, funny, and sane (unlike just about all of the people at my office).
-We share similar interests.
-We seem to have fun together. Lots of laughing, teasing, joking and smiling.

Now, I'd like to hang out with her outside of work, but I wonder if she's intimidated or feels weird that I'm married. I haven't directly asked her to hang out because I've gotten some mixed signals: I've thrown some friendly texts and emails (which I do with just about everyone I like working with) which have sparked some playful back and forths, but she's never initiated any of that. In person, she'll bring up things, or ask questions, but not outside of work.

I understand there could be a thousand explanations for why she hasn't initiated any contact outside of work, and that's why I don't want to read anything into it if there isn't. I've usually never had an issue with this. Friends (male and female) have always had no problem asking to hang out, or giving a call, and the same with me. Things just always fell into place. My thought is that I'm married, and she doesn't want to seem like she's asking me out?

Anyone else have any thoughts? Should I just let this one go? Hang back and let her make first move?

There's the obvious suggestion of inviting her on an outing with you and your wife, or inviting her over for dinner with the both of you.

Yeah, my wife and I usually only hang out as a couple with other couples. Both she and I have separate friendships where we just go out and hang out w/our pals on our own. Plus, my wife doesn't like to do a lot of outdoor things, which I what I'm hoping this potential friend would be down for.

Why are you so desperate to hang out with this girl? Did your feelings get hurt because she wants to keep her professional relationships professional, or because your "game is off" because your preternatural ability to make friends has failed you?

It seems weird that you want to force a friendship with this person, and she might have the same vibe.

There's the obvious suggestion of inviting her on an outing with you and your wife, or inviting her over for dinner with the both of you.

Yeah, my wife and I usually only hang out as a couple with other couples. Both she and I have separate friendships where we just go out and hang out w/our pals on our own. Plus, my wife doesn't like to do a lot of outdoor things, which I what I'm hoping this potential friend would be down for.

To be honest, this sounds more and more like a development strategy for an affair then a friendship.

There's the obvious suggestion of inviting her on an outing with you and your wife, or inviting her over for dinner with the both of you.

Yeah, my wife and I usually only hang out as a couple with other couples. Both she and I have separate friendships where we just go out and hang out w/our pals on our own. Plus, my wife doesn't like to do a lot of outdoor things, which I what I'm hoping this potential friend would be down for.

To be honest, this sounds more and more like a development strategy for an affair then a friendship.

I don't know how long you two have been working together, but imo I wouldn't try and force anything anyways and just let the friendship develop on its own. Even with attempted subtlety, its usually always obvious that you are intentionally trying to make friends with somebody as opposed to letting it happen naturally.

Also, you are looking way too much into this.

mechaThor on July 2009

"I sent an e-mail asking why wood elves get +2 Str when other dwarves did not. My response from customer service consisted of five words: 'Wood elves are really strong.' "

There's the obvious suggestion of inviting her on an outing with you and your wife, or inviting her over for dinner with the both of you.

Yeah, my wife and I usually only hang out as a couple with other couples. Both she and I have separate friendships where we just go out and hang out w/our pals on our own. Plus, my wife doesn't like to do a lot of outdoor things, which I what I'm hoping this potential friend would be down for.

To be honest, this sounds more and more like a development strategy for an affair then a friendship.

Eh... it may just be me but proactively seeking situations where you are alone with another woman you find personally attractive for extended periods of time (like you would be on a camping trip or a long hike, etc) without your wife present is just asking for marital/relationship issues.

But that's just me and my relationships have been pretty average so far. Maybe you and your wife have mountains of trust - which may be the case if you're oblivious to why alone time with another woman might not be an issue.

I have to agree with Mechathor. If it happens then it happens. Nothing you do to move things along with help and, more likely, will make things awkward. You don't want that at the workplace.

And not to sound presumptuous, but anyone I've known in a happy marriage/relationship has never gotten bent out of shape enough to ask other people for help about this sort of thing unless it were a falling out between long-time friends.

Eh... it may just be me but proactively seeking situations where you are alone with another woman you find personally attractive for extended periods of time (like you would be on a camping trip or a long hike, etc) without your wife present is just asking for marital/relationship issues.

But that's just me and my relationships have been pretty average so far. Maybe you and your wife have mountains of trust - which may be the case if you're oblivious to why alone time with another woman might not be an issue.

I spend 8-10 hours a day at my office around attractive women, often times alone. I'm not bangin' any of my other coworkers. It would be great, however, to have someone close to my age who I could develop a friendship with. I never even said I was attracted to this person, I just said I found her interesting and fun to be around. Kind of a necessity for a friendship.

It's certainly something that comes up in male/female friendships, so I can get your point of view. Just wasn't part of the advice I was looking for.

not every dude who wants to be friends with a woman wants to do the vertical tango. sheesh.

Wouldn't that be the horizontal tango?

No, it would be the horizontal mambo. It changes you see.

Sorry OP, I'm not sure how you'd bring it up. I'd say you might be on the ball with the married thing. Is she married? Or does she have a boyfriend? Maybe it's on her end.

I know she's not married, but beyond that not much. She's never mentioned anybody in our conversations, or when I talk about my wife.

I feel like this got sidetracked on whether or not I intend to bang this girl. I don't, and maybe I didn't explain what I'm looking for very well.

We hit it off great in person, we have a lot of fun around the office, she usually lights up when start talking, and share a lot of the same interests. I'd like to hang out with her as friends, but I get a lukewarm reception outside of the office. I've gotten mixed signals on if she'd want to be friends or not. Maybe I've already gotten the advice I need, I should probably just see where it goes and not push anything. After thinking about it, she's probably never had a married guy want to be her friend, she just got out of school.

Eh... it may just be me but proactively seeking situations where you are alone with another woman you find personally attractive for extended periods of time (like you would be on a camping trip or a long hike, etc) without your wife present is just asking for marital/relationship issues.

But that's just me and my relationships have been pretty average so far. Maybe you and your wife have mountains of trust - which may be the case if you're oblivious to why alone time with another woman might not be an issue.

I spend 8-10 hours a day at my office around attractive women, often times alone. I'm not bangin' any of my other coworkers. It would be great, however, to have someone close to my age who I could develop a friendship with. I never even said I was attracted to this person, I just said I found her interesting and fun to be around. Kind of a necessity for a friendship.

It's certainly something that comes up in male/female friendships, so I can get your point of view. Just wasn't part of the advice I was looking for.

Well, that may not be what you are looking for, but that still may be the idea that is in her head.

If you value your relationship with your wife, you will not persue a friendship with another female. It will only cause problems. It is nigh impossible to have a lasting relationship with a member of the opposite sex without having an attraction to them.

If you value your relationship with your wife, you will not persue a friendship with another female. It will only cause problems. It is nigh impossible to have a lasting relationship with a member of the opposite sex without having an attraction to them.

Are you seriously saying you don't have a single friend of the opposite sex who you don't want to sleep with?

For the sake of argument, I'll assume that you meant something much more innocuous by 'attraction'. There is still a large difference between "you are on the whole not unattractive and are, in fact, slightly cute" and "I would be willing to cheat on my wife with you", and the former does not (or at least should not, if you're a normal human being) preclude you from having a healthy non-romantic relationship with that person.

I'm not saying that the OP trying to force a friendship with this girl is the right idea, but saying "don't do it, being friends with girls never works" is ridiculous.

There's the obvious suggestion of inviting her on an outing with you and your wife, or inviting her over for dinner with the both of you.

Yeah, my wife and I usually only hang out as a couple with other couples. Both she and I have separate friendships where we just go out and hang out w/our pals on our own. Plus, my wife doesn't like to do a lot of outdoor things, which I what I'm hoping this potential friend would be down for.

To be honest, this sounds more and more like a development strategy for an affair then a friendship.

The vibe was so strong once RS mentioned his wife I thought he was a swinger

not every dude who wants to be friends with a woman wants to do the vertical tango. sheesh.

Wouldn't that be the horizontal tango?

No, it would be the horizontal mambo. It changes you see.

Sorry OP, I'm not sure how you'd bring it up. I'd say you might be on the ball with the married thing. Is she married? Or does she have a boyfriend? Maybe it's on her end.

I know she's not married, but beyond that not much. She's never mentioned anybody in our conversations, or when I talk about my wife.

I feel like this got sidetracked on whether or not I intend to bang this girl. I don't, and maybe I didn't explain what I'm looking for very well.

We hit it off great in person, we have a lot of fun around the office, she usually lights up when start talking, and share a lot of the same interests. I'd like to hang out with her as friends, but I get a lukewarm reception outside of the office. I've gotten mixed signals on if she'd want to be friends or not. Maybe I've already gotten the advice I need, I should probably just see where it goes and not push anything. After thinking about it, she's probably never had a married guy want to be her friend, she just got out of school.

The dude is just looking for someone to hangout with guys and this person seems to fit the bill. This person who seems interesting also just happens to have a vagina and thats it.

I say with whatever the common interests you two have then use those to go and find a activity. Just say it flat out that you couldn't find anyone else to go do it with and if she is up for it then ask to hang out. just treat as any other would be friend and everything should be fine.

This kind of resonates with me, from the opposite end of the problem. I met someone at a conference for work, and I thought she was cool as hell. I friended her on Facebook afterward, partially because we had both mentioned a fondness for some of the games there. So we played a few of those, but I never felt comfortable asking her to hang out. She's married, and for whatever reason, I didn't feel comfortable asking because of that, even though the fact that she's married and I knew it should have mostly eliminated any issue of uncomfortable advances.

I would have welcomed her inviting me to hang out, but that never happened. I can't tell from your posts if you've flat out invited her to do anything, or if it's just the out-of-work conversation you have. If it's the latter, then just go ahead and invite her

Were I in the girl's shoes, I certainly would not be making any move to establish an outside-of-work friendship. The fact that you are married would stop me from suggesting that step, purely out of respect for the partner. I mean, it is worth noting that i'm a guy, and it IS slightly different for us in that circumstance, but its still quite possible she could hold the same viewpoint.

If you want to be friends, I think you'll need to do the legwork.

That's my advice trying to take you at face value. I must say, i got the same vibe many others are getting. I'm not sure why it's so important to find an angle to start this friendship.

If you value your relationship with your wife, you will not persue a friendship with another female. It will only cause problems. It is nigh impossible to have a lasting relationship with a member of the opposite sex without having an attraction to them.

Are you seriously saying you don't have a single friend of the opposite sex who you don't want to sleep with?

For the sake of argument, I'll assume that you meant something much more innocuous by 'attraction'. There is still a large difference between "you are on the whole not unattractive and are, in fact, slightly cute" and "I would be willing to cheat on my wife with you", and the former does not (or at least should not, if you're a normal human being) preclude you from having a healthy non-romantic relationship with that person.

I'm not saying that the OP trying to force a friendship with this girl is the right idea, but saying "don't do it, being friends with girls never works" is ridiculous.

In a relationship where you spend significant time together, with no other friends around, yes. I have quite a few friends that are girls, but I never hang out with them in a 1 on 1 situation. I have at one time or another have had thoughts ranging from "You know what, she is pretty cute." to "I wonder what kind of a kisser she is" all the way to "I'd like to have sex with her". I never act on these thoughts mostly because I don't give myself the opportunity to, but that tension is still there. But to answer your question, I don't have friends that I do not like so given enough substance that impairs my judgment and enough awkward silences I would definitely sleep with all the girlfriends I know.

You don't have to have sex to create problems, the sexual tension alone is enough to create that anxiety that will ultimately lead to the downfall of that relationship and the one this guy is currently in.

If you have a best friend that is the opposite sex of you, and you feel no sexual tension in the relationship ever, then you are either some higher being I cannot understand, Asexual or possibly female. The first two are much more likely.

I'm not saying you cannot have good friends that are the opposite sex. It's just the majority of time spent with those friends must be among other friends.

And again to the OP. Keep this relationship a work relationship. You see this person 40 hours a week, is that not enough?

Edit: That last question is kind of loaded. But honestly, you see this chick 40 hours a week. You see your wife 40-60 hours a week. You think your wife wouldn't mind you tipping that scale closer in favor of the girl from work? Your wife may be the greatest girl ever, and the most trusting person in the world but I guarantee she would be a happier lady if you did not tip those scales.

I would keep it in the workplace and be happy with that. Sending playful texts and asking her to hang out with you is going to be creepy no matter what. Throw in that you want to not bring your wife because she's not into the kind of stuff you guys would be doing just makes it worse.

This kind of resonates with me, from the opposite end of the problem. I met someone at a conference for work, and I thought she was cool as hell. I friended her on Facebook afterward, partially because we had both mentioned a fondness for some of the games there. So we played a few of those, but I never felt comfortable asking her to hang out. She's married, and for whatever reason, I didn't feel comfortable asking because of that, even though the fact that she's married and I knew it should have mostly eliminated any issue of uncomfortable advances.

I would have welcomed her inviting me to hang out, but that never happened. I can't tell from your posts if you've flat out invited her to do anything, or if it's just the out-of-work conversation you have. If it's the latter, then just go ahead and invite her

Thank you, this is pretty much what I was looking for. And no, I haven't asked her to hang out.

good god, do you people really feel you can't have a safe, platonic friendship with the opposite sex when you're married to someone?

She's not going out of her way to make friends because she feels its awkward to be the one to start a friendship with a married man, which honestly sounds normal to me. There's a girl at my work who's cool to chat with but is married. If she invited me to do something, i might take it, but i would never ask her to do something unless it fell expressly under her field of study or major hobby.

I mean, if hanging out with someone who could tempt you and destroy your relationship, then you might as well stop making/hanging out with the other sex as soon as you get into a relationship. And I would argue that it should be harder to be tempted in a marriage, the only reason its worse is the fall is harder. As long as you know where the boundaries are and stay true, I fail to see how RS is being stupid here

Instead of inviting her to hang out with just you, or even just you and the wife, which might be awkward for her, invite her to a group thing. Plan to go to the movies with your wife and a few of both of your friends, and invite this girl, and maybe another coworker or two, to just go as a group. Maybe go out to eat as a group afterward too since a movie doesn't allow for any real conversations. No pressure if she can't make it. If she can, it's that outside work interaction you're looking for. I wouldn't push it past this though, if she doesn't want to go, or does go, and doesn't mention hanging out again or if she had any fun afterward.

There's the obvious suggestion of inviting her on an outing with you and your wife, or inviting her over for dinner with the both of you.

Yeah, my wife and I usually only hang out as a couple with other couples. Both she and I have separate friendships where we just go out and hang out w/our pals on our own. Plus, my wife doesn't like to do a lot of outdoor things, which I what I'm hoping this potential friend would be down for.

It may have been this post that gave me the impression that RS wants to hang out with this chick without the company of his wife, and his other friends which is a little unfair because there is no allusion to a sans friends outing in this post.

If you think this chick would fit in well with your group of friends, and would be a good addition to BBQ's, beach outings, and parties then just invite her to one of those.

If you think this chick would make a great rock climbing buddy for you to go hang out with on Saturdays then forget about it and keep the relationship an at work thing.

There's the obvious suggestion of inviting her on an outing with you and your wife, or inviting her over for dinner with the both of you.

Yeah, my wife and I usually only hang out as a couple with other couples. Both she and I have separate friendships where we just go out and hang out w/our pals on our own. Plus, my wife doesn't like to do a lot of outdoor things, which I what I'm hoping this potential friend would be down for.

To be honest, this sounds more and more like a development strategy for an affair then a friendship.

This can only lead to bad things for your marriage. If you value that at all, you should let it go.

underdonk on July 2009

Back in the day, bucko, we just had an A and a B button... and we liked it.

It's not so much "Gawrsh, why can't a dude have a girl for a friend?", because it's not as simple as that.

Two single people? This wouldn't even require a thread. A simple "Hey, what are you into? Oh cool, I like "x" as well (assuming that's true)" is all you'd need to get the ball rolling. But throw a single person into the mix with a married person, and it can tend to raise a few eyebrows unless the two have been friends for a good long while (and often even then). And it may be the way it was phrased, but when I see:

-"There's this single girl at work, see, and I totally want to hang out with her. Maybe go hiking or something"

together with

-"I don't so much hang out with my wife unless it's with another couple"

it does tend to strike a "I'd like to get to know this girl and if something happens, so be it" kind of tone. I don't think the OP is actively seeking someone to commit adultery with or anything, but it's easy to see how this could lead to some potential danger in a relationship.

OP, I think the safest (read: least sexually threatening) way to go about this would be to just strike up some casual conversation and go over some likes and dislikes. If she's down for hiking and your wife doesn't care, well then, all the best. In any case though, I would strongly recommend getting to know this person fairly well for a while before springing the hiking thing on her.