The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Thursday, 16 February 2012

Tories Reintroduce Slavery.

Ian Duncan Smith has triumphantly announed the return of slavery to mainland Britain for the first time in over 200 years as figures demonstrate that over 24,000 people are now working for free under the mandatory work activity scheme. "It hasn't been easy persuading voters that all unemployed people are scroungers," IDS told our reporter, "but the struggle has been worth it. Sainbury's and Tesco's are delighted and immediately upped party donations to us in gratitude. I still believe that the experience of being forced to perform menial tasks for no money will be good for unemployed people - especially if they're made to stack shelves with goods they can't afford to buy. It's certainly good for Tories who can now indulge their need to sneer at the less fortunate while, at the same time, patting themselves on the backs for sincerely believing that their prejudices are actually humane. On the Tory scale of self-satisfaction this one has to score ten out of ten. I thought getting Sam Gyimah to crack the whip yesterday was a particularly nice touch, demonstrating that this new form of slavery is firmly wealth-based and has nothing to do with race. I'm sure his ancestors would be proud of him."