Rants, ramblings, raves of a woman who blames everything from road rage to undercooked pork chops on a hormone imbalance.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Health Advice For Women

A friend sent this to the Contessa. I don't know who originated it but my cork's off to her!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctoror pharmacist about Chardonnay.

Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and moreconfident about yourself and your actions. Chardonnay can help ease youout of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready andwilling to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost immediatelyand with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles thatprevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness andawkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover manytalents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Chardonnay may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnantor nursing should not use Chardonnay. However, women who wouldn't mindnursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting,incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss ofclothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, tabledancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaokeand play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and NakedTwister!

WARNINGS: - * The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you arewhispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell yourfriends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to think you cansing.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you canlogically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusion that youare tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

About Me

I'm the coauthor of Don’t Chew Jesus! and author of Holy Bones, Limbo, and Jesus in My Cheetos humor books about my Catholic upbringing. I also write humor columns and comedy shows around a snarky, woman named Haute Flash Contessa.