News Flash! John Lennon Was A Leftist Anti-War Liberal! Oh, Wait…

By now, I'm pretty used to reading about dumb moves by the U.S. government, but this one made me spit out my coffee. Apparently, the FBI has until recently declined to release documents containing details about John Lennon's leftist ties and activities, for fear that they would spark "military retaliation against the United States." Shit, girl! I'm thinking these "details" gotta be pretty juicy, dig? Sorry to disappoint, but it goes more like this: apparently, John Lennon committed such heinous and shocking acts as being interested in helping finance a left-wing book shop and reading room in London. Lennon never even forked the money over, but the very IDEA that he would was enough to send the FBI into a tizzy.

But wait, there's more! Another document describes an interview Lennon gave to an underground newspaper, noting that "Lennon emphasized his proletarian background and his sympathy with the oppressed and underprivileged people of Britain and the world." Clearly, John Lennon was a damn commie pig and a danger to the welfare of fine upstanding capitalists everywhere! For real.

In actuality, the FBI's reason for squirreling away these documents is shrouded in mystery, shall we say. Says the rather hi-larious Mark Rosenbaum of the American Civil Liberties Union, "The ultimate lesson of these documents is that the head of document classification for the FBI must be Stephen Colbert."

Click here to read the Super Top Secret Files rumored to bring on Tony Blair's game face.