Everything You Need To Get From Point A To B Looking Ridiculous

Sometimes you need to get somewhere in a hurry, but a car can be an expensive accessory. Thankfully, there are plenty of alternatives to taking a bicycle, including plenty that will have people staring at you in disbelief.

So if standing out in a crowd and making everyone think you’re a damn fool is important to you, here’s everything you need to get from point A to point B while looking like an idiot.

Motorcycles are already dangerous enough, especially if you live and ride in a crowded urban setting full of cars that never seem to see you coming. So why not increase the risk factor 100 fold by getting rid of one of the wheels? That’s obviously the thinking behind the monowheel.

Maybe out in the desert at your ‘man burning’ festival this might fit right in, but in the civilised world you’ll have every driver straining to see what the heck you’re riding. So if you also don’t mind being the source of several accidents, by all means opt for this ridiculous contraption. $US13,000.

Speaking of single wheels, there’s a really simple test to determine if you should be riding a unicycle in public. Just ask yourself if you’re a busker who’s currently performing, or just a lonely misguided soul desperate for attention.

If you answer yes to either of those questions, it’s time to stop conforming and ditch your two-wheeled bike for the awkward balancing act that is a unicycle. $US640.

The sleek inline design of rollerblades made rollerskating cool again. But who wants to go to all that physical effort and risk getting in shape? With a pair of these SpnKix strapped to your shoes you can ride for up to 40 minutes with minimal physical exertion.

And who really wants to look like those buff athletic types gliding down the boardwalk in a pair of inline skates anyways? What’s really attractive is having a pair of monstrous bleeding-edge electric-powered rollerskates clamped around your ankles. Or having a pair hanging around your neck when they inevitably run out of charge before you get home. $US700.

Scooters are for kids. The end. It doesn’t matter how extreme or off-road you make them look, it will always be a mode of transport designed for children.

And attempting to ride one by passing yourself off as being ‘young at heart’ only makes thing worse. The whole standing and having to kick off with your feet motion is incredibly awkward for anyone more than a metre tall. And riding one down the side of the mountain will not make you look cool or bad-ass by any stretch of the imagination. Instead, it makes you look like a 30-year-old who never learnt to ride a bike. $US450.

The creators of the Rowbike pitch their invention as a cross between a bicycle and a rowing machine that combines the physical benefits of both. You can actually go somewhere with it, while getting an amazing workout. The part they leave out, though, is that rowing on dry land requires you to trade in all your self dignity and respect.

It doesn’t matter if spending just a few minutes on the Rowbike every day will get you in shape. You can look like Mr. Universe, but once you sit on the bike and start the awkward forward and back rowing motions needed to propel it, you’re going to look foolish. Even worse than those people you see riding recumbent bikes, believe it or not. $US1400.

Had the Segway been released with a reasonable price tag (i.e. not comparable to a small car) it would have had a far better chance at catching on with the public. And as it became more ubiquitous on roads and sidewalks, it probably would have eventually become an acceptable alternative to cars and bikes.

But none of that happened. And as a result, you might as well look like you have the plague when you ride by on a Segway. Everyone’s going to stare at you, and it’s not because they’re impressed at what you’re doing for the environment. It’s because they know you spent thousands of dollars on a silly balancing scooter, and now feel obligated to use it as much as possible. By the way, Nice helmet. $US7000.

But believe it or not there is something worse than a Segway. And it’s not a Segway with off-road tyres, or a ridiculous seat accessory. Nope, it’s a knock-off Segway. It will still cost you thousands of dollars, but not quite as much as the real thing. And everyone will know that as you whiz past.

Giving up the balancing functionality to save a couple of grand doesn’t make you look savvy. It makes you look cheap. It makes you look like an idiot who settled for an even stupider mode of transport that’s lacking the one feature that makes the real Segway marginally interesting. If you’ve got somewhere to go, and want to look like a fool, you won’t find anything better than one of these. $US5700.