THE THIRD PRECEPT: SEXUAL RESPONSIBILITY

"Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I undertake to
cultivate responsibility and learn ways to protect the safety and
integrity of individuals, couples, families, and society. I am
determined not to engage in sexual relations without love and a long-
term commitment. To preserve the happiness of myself and others, I am
determined to respect my commitments and the commitments of others. I
will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse
and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual
misconduct."

So many individuals, children, couples, and families have been destroyed
by sexual misconduct. To practice the Third Precept is to heal ourselves
and heal our society. This is mindful living.

The Fifth Precept -- not to consume alcohol, toxins, or drugs -- and the
Third Precept are linked. Both concern destructive and destabilizing
behavior. These precepts are the right medicine to heal us. We need only
to observe ourselves and those around us to see the truth. Our stability
and the stability of our families and society cannot be obtained without
the practice of these two precepts. If you look at individuals and
families who are unstable and unhappy, you will see that many of them do
not practice these precepts. You can make the diagnosis by yourself and
then know that the medicine is there. Practicing these precepts is the
best way to restore stability in the family and in society. For many
people, this precept is easy to practice, but for others, it is quite
difficult. It is important for these people to come together and share
their experiences.

In the Buddhist tradition, we speak of the oneness of body and mind.
Whatever happens to the body also happens to the mind. The sanity of they
body is the sanity of the mind; the violation of the body is the violation
of the mind. When we are angry, we may think that we are angry in our
feelings, not in our body, but that is not true. When we love someone, we
want to be close to him or her physically, but when we are angry at
someone, we don't want to touch or be touched by that person. We cannot
say that body and mind are separate.

A sexual relationship is an act of communion between body and spirit. This
is a very important encounter, not to be done in a casual manner. You know
that in your soul there are certain areas -- memories, pain, secrets --
that are private, that you would only share with the person you love and
trust the most. You do not open your heart and show it to just anyone. In
the imperial city, there is a zone you cannot approach called the
forbidden city; only the king and his family are permitted to circulate
there. There is a place like that in your soul that you do not allow
anyone to approach except the one you trust and love the most.

The same is true of our body. Our bodies have areas that we do not want
anyone to touch or approach unless he or she is the one we respect, trust,
and love the most. When we are approached casually or carelessly, with an
attitude that is less than tender, we feel insulted in our body and soul.
Someone who approaches us with respect, tenderness, and utmost care is
offering us deep communication, deep communion. It is only in that case
that we will not feel hurt, misused, or abused, even a little. This cannot
be attained unless there is true love and commitment. Casual sex cannot be
described as love. Love is deep, beautiful, and whole.

True love contains respect. In my tradition, husband and wife are expected
to respect each other like guests, and when you practice this kind of
respect, your love and happiness will continue for a long time. In sexual
relationships, respect is one of the most important elements. Sexual
communion should be like a rite, a ritual performed in mindfulness with
great respect, care, and love. If you are motivated by some desire, that
is not love. Desire is not love. Love is something much more responsible.
It has care in it.

We have to restore the meaning of the word "love." We have been using it
in a careless way. When we say, "I love hamburgers," we are not talking
about love. We are talking about our appetite, our desire for hamburgers.
We should not dramatize our speech and misuse words like that. We make
words like "love" sick that way. We have to make an effort to heal our
language by using words carefully. The word "love" is a beautiful word. We
have to restore its meaning.

"I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without love and a
long-term commitment." If the word "love" is understood in the deepest
way, why do we need to say "long-term commitment"? If love is real, we do
not need long or short-term commitments, or even a wedding ceremony. True
love includes the sense of responsibility, accepting the other person as
he is, with all his strengths and weaknesses. If we like only the best
things in the person, that is not love. We have to accept his weaknesses
and bring our patience, understanding, and energy to help him transform.
Love is maitri, the capacity to bring joy and happiness, and karuna, the
capacity to transform pain and suffering. This kind of love can only be
good for people. It cannot be described as negative or destructive. It is
safe. It guarantees everything.

Should we cross out the phrase "long-term commitment" or change it to
"short-term commitment"? "Short-term commitment" means that we can be
together for a few days and after that the relationship will end. That
cannot be described as love. If we have that kind of relationship with
another person, we cannot say that the relationship comes out of love and
care. The expression "long-term commitment" helps people understand the
word love. In the context of real love, commitment can only be long-term.
"I want to love you. I want to help you. I want to care for you. I want
you to be happy. I want to work for happiness. But just for a few days."
Does this make sense?

You are afraid to make a commitment -- to the precepts, to your partner,
to anything. You want freedom. But remember, you have to make a long-term
commitment to love your son deeply and help him through the journey of
life as long as you are alive. You cannot just say, "I don't love you
anymore." When you have a good friend, you also make a long-term
commitment. You need her. How much more so with someone who wants to share
your life, your soul, and your body. The phrase "long-term commitment"
cannot express the depth of love, but we have to say something so that
people understand.

A long-term commitment between two people is only a beginning. We also
need the support of friends and other people. That is why, in our society,
we have a wedding ceremony. The two families join together with other
friends to witness the fact that you have come together to live as a
couple. The priest and the marriage license are just symbols. What is
important is that your commitment is witnessed by many friends and both of
your families. Now you will be supported by them. A long-term commitment
is stronger and more long-lasting if made in the context of a Sangha.

Your strong feelings for each other are very important, but they are not
enough to sustain your happiness. Without other elements, what you
describe as love may turn into something sour rather soon. The support of
friends and family coming together weaves a kind of web. The strength of
your feelings is only one of the strands of that web. Supported by many
elements, the couple will be solid, like a tree. If a tree wants to be
strong, it needs a number of roots sent deep into the soil. If a tree has
only one root, it may be blown over by the wind. The life of a couple also
needs to be supported by many elements -- families, friends, ideals,
practice, and Sangha.

In Plum Village, the practice community where I live in France, every time
we have a wedding ceremony, we invite the whole community to celebrate and
bring support to the couple. After the ceremony, on every full moon day,
the couple recites the Five Awarenesses together, remembering that friends
everywhere are supporting their relationship to be stable, long-lasting,
and happy. Whether or not your relationship is bound by law, it will be
stronger and more long-lasting if made in the presence of a Sangha --
friends who love you and want to support you in the spirit of
understanding and loving kindness.

Love can be a kind of sickness. In the West and in Asia, we have the word
"lovesick." What makes us sick is attachment. Although it is a sweet
internal formation, this kind of love with attachment is like a drug. It
makes us feel wonderful, but once we are addicted, we cannot have peace.
We cannot study, do our daily work, or sleep. We only think of the object
of our love. We are sick with love. This kind of love is linked to our
willingness to possess and monopolize. We want the object of our love to
be entirely ours and only for us. It is totalitarian. We do not want
anyone to prevent us from a prison, where we lock up our beloved and
create only suffering for him or her. The one who is loved is deprived of
freedom -- of the right to be him or herself and enjoy life. This kind of
love cannot be described as maitri or karuna. It is only the willingness
to make use of the other person in order to satisfy our own needs.

When you have sexual energy that makes you feel unhappy, as though you are
losing your inner peace, you should know how to practice so that you do
not do things that will bring suffering to other people or yourself. We
have to learn about this. In Asia, we say there are three sources of
energy -- sexual, breath, and spirit. Tinh, sexual energy, is the
first. When you have more sexual energy than you need, there will be an
imbalance in your body and in your being. You need to know how to
reestablish the balance, or you may act irresponsibly. According to Taoism
and Buddhism, there are practices to help reestablish that balance, such
as meditation or martial arts. You can learn the ways to channel your
sexual energy into deep realizations in the domains of art and meditation.

The second source of energy is khi, breath energy. Life can be
described as a process of burning. In order to burn, every cell in our
body needs nutrition and oxygen. In his Fire Sermon, the Buddha said,
"The eyes are burning, the nose is burning, the body is burning." In our
daily lives, we have to cultivate our energy by practicing proper
breathing. We benefit from the air and its oxygen, so we have to be sure
that non-polluted air is available to us. Some people cultivate their khi
by refraining from smoking and talking a lot. When you speak, take the
time to breathe. At Plum Village, every time we hear the bell of
mindfulness, everyone stops what they are doing and breathes consciously
three times. We practice this way to cultivate and preserve our khi
energy.

The third source of energy is than, spirit energy. When you don't
sleep at night, you lose some of this kind of energy. Your nervous system
becomes exhausted and you cannot study or practice meditation well, or
make good decisions. You don't have a clear mind because lack of sleep or
from worrying too much. Worry and anxiety drain this source of energy.

So don't worry. Don't stay up too late. Keep your nervous system healthy.
Prevent anxiety. These kinds of practices cultivate the third source of
energy. You need this source of energy to practice meditation well. A
spiritual breakthrough requires the power of your spirit energy, which
comes about through concentration and knowing how to preserve this source
of energy. When you have strong spirit energy, you only have to focus it
on an object, and you will have a breakthrough. If you don't have
than, the light of your concentration will not shine brightly, because
the light emitted is very weak.

According to Asian medicine, the power of than is linked to the power
of tinh. When we expend our sexual energy, it takes time to restore
it. In Chinese medicine, when you want to have a strong spirit and
concentration, you are advised to refrain from having sexual relationships
or overeating. You will be given herbs, roots, and medicine to enrich your
source of than, and during the time you are taking this medicine, you
are asked to refrain from sexual relationships. If your source of spirit
is weak and you continue to have sexual relations, it is said that you
cannot recover your spirit energy. Those who practice meditation should
try to preserve their sexual energy, because they need it during
meditation. If you are an artist, you may wish to practice channeling your
sexual energy together with your spirit energy into your art.

During his struggle against the British, Gandhi undertook many hunger
strikes, and he recommended to his friends who joined him on these fasts
not to have sexual intercourse. When you fast for many days, if you have
sexual relations, you may die; you have to preserve your energies. Thich
Tri Quang, my friend who fasted for one hundred days in the hospital in
Saigon in 1966, knew very well that not having sexual intercourse was very
basic. Of course, as a monk, he did not have any problem with that. He
also knew that speaking is an energy drain, so he refrained from speaking.
If he needed something, he said it in one or two words or wrote it down.
Writing, speaking, or making too many movements draws from these three
sources of energy. So, the best thing is to lie down on your back and
practice deep breathing. This brings into you the vitality that you need
to survive a hundred-day hunger strike. If you don't eat, you cannot
replenish this energy. If you refrain from studying, doing research, or
worrying, you can preserve these resources. These three sources of energy
are linked to each other. By practicing one, you help the other. That is
why anapanasati, the practice of conscious breathing, is so important
for our spiritual life. It helps with all of our sources of energy.

Monks and nuns do not engage in sexual relationships because they want to
devote their energy to having a breakthrough in meditation. They learn to
channel their sexual energy to strengthen their spirit energy for the
breakthrough. They also practice deep breathing to increase the spirit
energy. Since they live alone, without a family, they can devote most of
their time to meditation and teaching, helping the people who provide them
with food, shelter, and so on.

They have contact with the population in the village in order to share the
Dharma. Since they do not have a house or a family to care for, they have
the time and space to do the things they like the most -- walking,
sitting, breathing, and helping fellow monks, nuns, and laypeople -- and
to realize what they want. Monks and nuns don't marry in order to preserve
their time and energy for the practice.

"Responsibility" is the key word in the Third Precept. In a community of
practice, if there is no sexual misconduct, if the community practices
this precept well, there will be stability and peace. This precept should
be practiced by everyone. You respect, support, and protect each other as
Dharma brothers and sisters. If you don't practice this precept, you may
become irresponsible and create trouble in the community at large. We have
all seen this. If a teacher cannot refrain from sleeping with one of his
or her students, he or she will destroy everything, possibly for several
generations. We need mindfulness in order to have that sense of
responsibility. We refrain from sexual misconduct because we are
responsible for the well-being of so many people. If we are irresponsible,
we can destroy everything. By practicing this precept, we keep the Sangha
beautiful.

In sexual relationships, people can get wounded. Practicing this precept
is to prevent ourselves and others from being wounded. Often we think it
is the woman who receives the wound, but men also get deeply wounded. We
have to be very careful, especially in short-term commitments. The
practice of the Third Precept is a very strong way of restoring stability
and peace in ourselves, our family, and our society. We should take the
time to discuss problems relating to the practice of this precept, like
loneliness, advertising, and even the sex industry.

The feeling of loneliness is universal in our society. There is no
communication between ourselves and other people, even in the family, and
our feeling of loneliness pushes us into having sexual relationship will
make us feel less lonely, but it isn't true. When there is not enough
communication with another person on the level of the heart and spirit, a
sexual relationship will only widen the gap and destroy us both. Our
relationship will be stormy, and we will make each other suffer. The
belief that having a sexual relationship will help us feel lonely is a
kind of superstition. We should not be fooled by it. In fact, we will feel
more lonely afterwards.
The union of the two bodies can only be positive when there is
understanding and communion on the level of the heart and the spirit. Even
between husband and wife, if the communion on the level of the heart and
spirit does not exist, the coming together of the two bodies will only
separate you further. When that is the case, I recommend that you refrain
from having sexual relationships and first try to make a breakthrough in
communication.

There are two Vietnamese words, tinh and nghia, that are difficult
to translate into English. They both mean something like love. In
tinh, you find elements of passion. It can be very deep, absorbing the
whole of your being. Nghia is a kind of continuation of tinh. With
Nghia you feel much calmer, more understanding, more willing to
sacrifice to make the other person happy, and more faithful. You are not
as passionate as in tinh, but your love is deeper and more solid.
Nghia will keep you and the other person together for a long time. It
is the result of living together and sharing difficulties and joy over
time.

You begin with passion, but, living with each other, you encounter
difficulties, and as you learn to deal with them, your love deepens.
Although the passion diminishes, nghia increases all the time.
Nghia is a deeper love, with more wisdom, more interbeing, more unity.
You understand the other person better. You and that person become one
reality. Nghia is like a fruit that is already ripe. It does not taste
sour anymore; it is only sweet.

In nghia, you feel gratitude for the other person. "Thank you for
having chosen me. Thank you for being my husband or my wife. There are so
many people in society, why have you chosen me? I am very thankful." That
is the beginning of nghia, the sense of thankfulness for your having
chosen me as your companion to share the best things in yourself, as well
as your suffering and your happiness.

When we live together, we support each other. We begin to understand each
other's feelings and difficulties. When the other person has shown his or
her understanding of our problems, difficulties, and deep aspirations, we
feel thankful for that understanding. When you feel understood by someone,
you stop being unhappy. Happiness is, first of all, feeling understood. "I
am grateful because you have proved that you understand me. While I was
having difficulty and remained awake deep into the night, you took care of
me. You showed me that my well-being is your own well-being. You did the
impossible in order to bring about my well-being. You took care of me in a
way that no one else in this world could have. For that I am grateful to
you."

If the couple lives with each other for a long time, "until our hair
becomes white and our teeth fall out," it is because of nghia, and not
because of tinh. Tinh is passionate love. Nghia is the kind of
love that has a lot of understanding and gratitude in it.

All love may begin by being passionate, especially for younger people. But
in the process of living together, they have to learn and practice love,
so that selfishness -- the tendency to possess -- will diminish, and the
elements of understanding and gratitude will settle in, little by little,
until their love becomes nourishing, protecting, and reassuring. With
nghia, you are very sure that the other person will take care of you
and will love you until your teeth fall out and your hair becomes white.
Nothing will assure you that the person will be with you for a long time
except nghia. Nghia is built by both of you in your daily life.

To meditate is to look into the nature of our love to see the kind of
elements that are in it. We cannot call our love just tinh or
nghia, possessive love or altruistic love, because there may be
elements of both in it. It may be ninety percent possessive love, three
percent altruistic love, two percent gratitude, and so on. Look deeply
into the nature of your love and find out. The happiness of the other
person and your own happiness depend on the nature of your love. Of course
you have love in you, but what is important is the nature of that love. If
you realize that there is a lot of maitri and karuna in your love, that
will be very reassuring. Nghia will be strong in it.

Children, if they observe deeply, will see that what keeps their parents
together is nghia and not passionate love. If their parents take good
care of each other, look after each other with calmness, tenderness, and
care, nghia is the foundation of that care. That is the kind of love
we really need for our family and for our society.

In practicing the Third Precept, we should always look into the nature of
our love in order to see and not be fooled by our feelings. Sometimes we
feel that we have love for the other person, but maybe that love is only
an attempt to satisfy our own egoistic needs. Maybe we have not looked
deeply enough to see the needs of the other person, including the need to
be safe, protected. If we have that kind of breakthrough, we will realize
that the other person needs our protection, and therefore we cannot look
upon him or her just as an object of our desire. The other person should
not be looked upon as a kind of commercial item.

Sex is used in our society as a means for selling products. We also have
the sex industry. If we don't look at the other person as a human being,
with the capacity of becoming a Buddha, we risk transgressing this
precept. Therefore the practice of looking deeply into the nature of our
love has a lot to do with the practice of the Third Precept.
"I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse
and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual
misconduct." Adults who were molested as children continue to suffer
very much. Everything they think, do, and say bears the mark of that
wound. They want to transform themselves and heal their wound, and the
best way to do this is to observe the Third Precept. Because of their own
experience, they can say, "As a victim of sexual abuse, I undertake to protect
all children and adults from sexual abuse." Our suffering becomes a kind
of positive energy that will help us become a bodhisattva. We undertake to
protect all children and other people. And we also undertake to help those
who abuse children sexually, because they are sick and need our help. The
ones who made us suffer become the object of our love and protection.
We see that until the sick are protected and helped, children are going to
continue to be abused sexually. We undertake to help these people so that they
will not molest children any longer. At the same time, we undertake to help
children. We take not only the side of children who are being molested,
but the other side also. These molesters are sick, the products of an
unstable society. They may be an uncle, an aunt, a grandparent, or a
parent. They need to be observed, helped, and, if possible, healed. When
we are determined to observe this precept, the energy that is born helps
us to transform into a bodhisattva, and that transformation may heal us
even before we begin to practice. The best way for anyone who was molested
as a child to heal is to take this precept and undertake to protect children and
adults who may be sick, who may be repeating the kind of destructive
actions that will cause a child to be wounded for the rest of his or her
life.

THICH NHAT HANH is a Zen Buddhist monk, peace activist, scholar, and
poet. He is the founder of the Van Hanh Buddhist University in
Saigon, has taught at Columbia University and the Sorbonne, and now
lives in southern France, where he gardens, works to help those in
need, and travels internationally teaching ``the art of mindful
living.'' Martin Luther King, Jr., nominated him for the Nobel Peace
Prize in 1967, saying, ``I do not personally know of anyone more
worthy of the Nobel Peace Prize than this gentle monk from Vietnam.''

Reproduced from For a Future to Be Possible: Commentaries on the Five
Wonderful Precepts (1993) by Thich Nhat Hanh. Copyright 1993.
Reprinted with permission of Parallax Press, PO Box
7355, Berkeley, CA 94707.