7.03.2011

Horrible, terrible, awful things...

this is something i've been thinking about a lot lately. is LOVE worth it?

logically speaking, my experience over the last 32 years tells me no. no, it's not worth it. the pain and suffering will always come eventually... i've never not had that happen. every great relationship i've had (i can count on one hand, maybe only need 2, 3 fingers?) ended. and it didn't take long, relatively speaking.

and, of course, each time i was extremely hurt.

that hurt... that pain... it's something one never truly gets over. yes, the level of pain will get diluted over time, but it will still always be there, no matter how hard one tries to hide it.

and i really don't believe marriage is necessary... nor can i honestly say that monogamy is a reality i can live in. i mean, i don't know... i just don't know.

i'm not trying to be some sad, wallowing sap whining about not being in love. no. fuck that. i'm just thinking that "love"... that "need" to be with another person, i'm thinking that it might not be as universal as one would think.

well i appreciate you taking the time to convey that nugget... and for reminding me that i'm not alone, that these feelings aren't just regulated to me. i think i have that ache sometimes too. actually, i have it a lot, but i have the uncanny ability to deflect it towards something else. i spend a lot of time alone. i'd go crazy if i let that ache consume me, so sometimes i don't even know it's there anymore. but it always comes back... eventually.

Is love worth it? The answer to that is a big, unhelpful, “that depends.” I could have written this post in my early 20’s. I had never thought of myself as the type to marry and at that point, after several epically bad experiences (some of it their fault, some of it mine), I didn’t even want to try dating anymore. I will be forever grateful that I met someone worth convincing me otherwise on both accounts. However, if I had not met my husband when I did and continued to pile up another decade of hurt, I don’t know if I would feel the same way. From my perspective now, any amount of emotional hurt was worth risking to get to this point, but risk vs. reward is different for everyone, especially where emotions are concerned.

that's the thing... i mean, how long is one willing to put him/herself through the pain necessary to eventually find that person, knowing that it might never even happen at all?... and then, even if it does happen, after that, what to do with the uncertainty of the relationship lasting until death? interesting that there is a bit of faith involved, considering how much i slam people for having faith in things they cannot prove as being real. but the true irony is in that i pride myself for being an endurance athlete, someone who can handle more pain than most, someone who purposely puts himself in positions vulnerable to ABSOLUTE HURT, knowing that i'll come out feelin' like a boss on the other side.

Jeff-I totally understand where you're coming from. The one thing I don't regreat about my marriage are my kids. With them, I know I'm never alone. Girls may come and go, but my kids are my blood and will be with me forever. I'm seeing a girl now who is wonderfull, phenominal, and totally sweet...and you know what? I feel nothing for her. I like her and am nice to her, but I don't love her. I'm really not sure at this point if I can really love someone else again, or if I'll let myself. All the emotion I feel is for my kids, and I'm numb to all else. For the record, I think you'd make a great dad. And yeah, it is a fucked up world...Hang in there, buddyMike