Spin off: The Talks (looking for advice from parents of older kids)

My parents never *really* talked to me about sex, drugs, alcohol, and the like. I lived with my dad after my parents were divorced. I remember once my dad attempting to have a sex talk with me, but when he started talking about "heavy petting" I got mortified & totally zoned out. I was a good kid, though, in high school. When I got to college I went crazy: drinking every weekend, got very promiscuous after my long term relationship ended, ya know...

My oldest is getting to the age where we need to start discussing these bigger issues. Things are so different from when I grew up, the world is different. We have talked about smoking. I told him I'd kill him. But I know it's not that simple. I want him (all of them) to be able to come to us with anything, any question. I want to have open relationships, buddies to a point - but mom & dad first. And I want to be sure they know the potential dangers without making them hermits or something.

How did you do this with your kids? Where did you start? Did you have a book to guide you? I don't want to overload him or go above what he's capable of really comprehending right now (he's a very bright 7 year old).

Thanks for your advice!

MavMC's post about teens experimenting has got me thinking...

My parents never *really* talked to me about sex, drugs, alcohol, and the like. I lived with my dad after my parents were divorced. I remember once my dad attempting to have a sex talk with me, but when he started talking about "heavy petting" I got mortified & totally zoned out. I was a good kid, though, in high school. When I got to college I went crazy: drinking every weekend, got very promiscuous after my long term relationship ended, ya know...

My oldest is getting to the age where we need to start discussing these bigger issues. Things are so different from when I grew up, the world is different. We have talked about smoking. I told him I'd kill him. But I know it's not that simple. I want him (all of them) to be able to come to us with anything, any question. I want to have open relationships, buddies to a point - but mom & dad first. And I want to be sure they know the potential dangers without making them hermits or something.

How did you do this with your kids? Where did you start? Did you have a book to guide you? I don't want to overload him or go above what he's capable of really comprehending right now (he's a very bright 7 year old).

As I said on the other thread I have little brothers who are 8 and 10 years younger than me. I've been talking to them about sex/drugs/alcohol since they were in middle school. Talking about sex with your older sister any more comfortable than doing it with your parent!

My #1 piece of advice- and this works GREAT- is have "those talks" in the car when it's just the two of you. For 1, the car is moving and they can't run away. And 2- you don't have to make eye contact so it's a lot less awkward for both of you.

Try and get them talking and find out what they know. Apparently someone told my brother that boys don't get HPV. I think the best you can do is arm them with information- and tell them what you think is appropriate. You do NOT need to tell them what you have done and when. That's none of their business- and it will make them think if you did then they can do it. If they flat out ask you something, you shouldn't lie- but don't need to go into detail.

As I said on the other thread I have little brothers who are 8 and 10 years younger than me. I've been talking to them about sex/drugs/alcohol since they were in middle school. Talking about sex with your older sister any more comfortable than doing it with your parent!

My #1 piece of advice- and this works GREAT- is have "those talks" in the car when it's just the two of you. For 1, the car is moving and they can't run away. And 2- you don't have to make eye contact so it's a lot less awkward for both of you.

Try and get them talking and find out what they know. Apparently someone told my brother that boys don't get HPV. I think the best you can do is arm them with information- and tell them what you think is appropriate. You do NOT need to tell them what you have done and when. That's none of their business- and it will make them think if you did then they can do it. If they flat out ask you something, you shouldn't lie- but don't need to go into detail.

We have always had an honest open relations with my son. We always encouraged him to ask us anything. He is now 18 (well ob 5 weeks he will be) and he still asks me questions. When he hears his friends talk about things and he is unsure if it is a fact he will actually come ask my husband it myself to clarify. I think it helped that we always kept it age appropriate but never lied. Yes some questions were a bit uncomfortable, but we believed that we wanted him to head it from us not someone else and to know the facts not some crazy BS that some kid came up with. We have a 12 year old & 4 year old son with a little girl on the way we are still honest and open and plan on continuing this with them. I don't think this is a bad plan as long as you keep it appropriate for their age.

We have always had an honest open relations with my son. We always encouraged him to ask us anything. He is now 18 (well ob 5 weeks he will be) and he still asks me questions. When he hears his friends talk about things and he is unsure if it is a fact he will actually come ask my husband it myself to clarify. I think it helped that we always kept it age appropriate but never lied. Yes some questions were a bit uncomfortable, but we believed that we wanted him to head it from us not someone else and to know the facts not some crazy BS that some kid came up with. We have a 12 year old & 4 year old son with a little girl on the way we are still honest and open and plan on continuing this with them. I don't think this is a bad plan as long as you keep it appropriate for their age.

And personally, I don't think saying "I'll kill you for smoking" is effective. Try something like "I think people who smoke are so dumb." then ask him what he thinks of people who smoke- and talk about the risks and reasons why. You want to come to an agreement about what is good, bad, safe, appropriate. Let them talk. It's better that they think- if I smoke I'll be hurting myself, than if I smoke and my mom finds out I'll get in trouble. That same idea applies to drinking, sex, and drugs. Your goal should be molding your teen into a critical thinker and a good decision maker with a sense a self preservation.

My parents always said if I got a tattoo they would kill me. I got a tattoo at 16. When they found out I expected to be severely, severely punished. They sent me up to my room so they could talk. I sweated it out. When they called me back down they told me they weren't going to punish me. They said we can ground you, but the next time you are faced with doing something against our rules- we don't want you to think "I can do this thing and it will only be worth X number of weeks of grounding." they told me I was old enough and smart enough to think about the real consequences to myself and I had to treat myself better. Getting a tattoo at a place that doesn't check Id was dumb, and risky. Not to mention I made a snap decision that was now extremely permanent without thinking about it.

This encounter FLOORED me as a 16 year old. From then on I think I was a pretty model teenager (not perfect) but I rarely fought with my parents- I was open with them, and I followed their rules.

And personally, I don't think saying "I'll kill you for smoking" is effective. Try something like "I think people who smoke are so dumb." then ask him what he thinks of people who smoke- and talk about the risks and reasons why. You want to come to an agreement about what is good, bad, safe, appropriate. Let them talk. It's better that they think- if I smoke I'll be hurting myself, than if I smoke and my mom finds out I'll get in trouble. That same idea applies to drinking, sex, and drugs. Your goal should be molding your teen into a critical thinker and a good decision maker with a sense a self preservation.

My parents always said if I got a tattoo they would kill me. I got a tattoo at 16. When they found out I expected to be severely, severely punished. They sent me up to my room so they could talk. I sweated it out. When they called me back down they told me they weren't going to punish me. They said we can ground you, but the next time you are faced with doing something against our rules- we don't want you to think "I can do this thing and it will only be worth X number of weeks of grounding." they told me I was old enough and smart enough to think about the real consequences to myself and I had to treat myself better. Getting a tattoo at a place that doesn't check Id was dumb, and risky. Not to mention I made a snap decision that was now extremely permanent without thinking about it.

This encounter FLOORED me as a 16 year old. From then on I think I was a pretty model teenager (not perfect) but I rarely fought with my parents- I was open with them, and I followed their rules.

My DD is almost 8, just a few more months, and we started dabling into the talks when she was around 5. For cigerette smoking or other drugs that have an oder, she was told that not only does mom have an allergy to smoke. that my nose is sensitive to strong smells. She could not even try to cover up the smell of drugs with perfums, because I can not be around strong scents.

For drinking, I will do the same as my parents. We could drink wine, wine coolers or beer, but it had to be supervised in the house and we could not leave or have friends come over. It was made to be so not fun that we did not do it. I will also explain punishments for drinking outside the home. I figure I will do this talk as she gets to be closer to a pre-teen.

My DD already learned about what can happen during sex. This can from the where do babies come from conversation. As she gets closer to wanting to be sexually active, we are setting our foot down. My parents treatened to disown me if I became a teen mom, but that is not a step I am taking (by the way I knew my folks were joking, that is just how they expressed displeasure in us even thinking to become sexually active in HS). With the way teens seem to be now, I will tell my girls that they will not get an abortion, but will be giving the child up for adoption. The punishment for teens girls having sex is pregnancy and childbirth. Since they are under my insurance, I can dictate that they have the baby and giving it up for adoption. If we have a boy, my DH told me the talk would include that if he chooses to engage in sexual activity, He better have a job and be responsible to pay child support, because we will not help him with that.

All this may seem harsh, but fear of consequences and respect of their parents's rules are what seems to works for my family. My DD knows consequences for not getting chores done is that fun items she loves to play with go away for an undertermined time. This would not be that much different. I am not my children's friend, I am the parent and as such all the rules are made out of love to protect children.

My DD is almost 8, just a few more months, and we started dabling into the talks when she was around 5. For cigerette smoking or other drugs that have an oder, she was told that not only does mom have an allergy to smoke. that my nose is sensitive to strong smells. She could not even try to cover up the smell of drugs with perfums, because I can not be around strong scents.

For drinking, I will do the same as my parents. We could drink wine, wine coolers or beer, but it had to be supervised in the house and we could not leave or have friends come over. It was made to be so not fun that we did not do it. I will also explain punishments for drinking outside the home. I figure I will do this talk as she gets to be closer to a pre-teen.

My DD already learned about what can happen during sex. This can from the where do babies come from conversation. As she gets closer to wanting to be sexually active, we are setting our foot down. My parents treatened to disown me if I became a teen mom, but that is not a step I am taking (by the way I knew my folks were joking, that is just how they expressed displeasure in us even thinking to become sexually active in HS). With the way teens seem to be now, I will tell my girls that they will not get an abortion, but will be giving the child up for adoption. The punishment for teens girls having sex is pregnancy and childbirth. Since they are under my insurance, I can dictate that they have the baby and giving it up for adoption. If we have a boy, my DH told me the talk would include that if he chooses to engage in sexual activity, He better have a job and be responsible to pay child support, because we will not help him with that.

All this may seem harsh, but fear of consequences and respect of their parents's rules are what seems to works for my family. My DD knows consequences for not getting chores done is that fun items she loves to play with go away for an undertermined time. This would not be that much different. I am not my children's friend, I am the parent and as such all the rules are made out of love to protect children.

"And personally, I don't think saying "I'll kill you for smoking" is effective."

I realize that. I mentioned that in my OP (not in so many words). The smoking talk, I feel pretty good about. I'm a nurse & we talk about people I take care of that are in for COPD related to smoking & stuff like that. The "I'll kill you" thing is more just a joke...sort of.

"And personally, I don't think saying "I'll kill you for smoking" is effective."

I realize that. I mentioned that in my OP (not in so many words). The smoking talk, I feel pretty good about. I'm a nurse & we talk about people I take care of that are in for COPD related to smoking & stuff like that. The "I'll kill you" thing is more just a joke...sort of.

I like the car idea. We also plan on having a notebook where they can write any question that they don't feel asking us in person & leave it on our bed. We'll answer it & put it back on their bed. Let it sink in a day or so & then talk about it.

I like the car idea. We also plan on having a notebook where they can write any question that they don't feel asking us in person & leave it on our bed. We'll answer it & put it back on their bed. Let it sink in a day or so & then talk about it.

Knowing consequences is the best way to keep the kids from joining the wrong crowds which infuence bad choices. I am not my children's friend I am their parent, and as such they need to respect the rules. That tight leash keeps them in line.

As for learning the disowning was an empty threat, I only found that out as soon as my sister and I both graduated from high school. Otherwise, the threat was very real. My grandmother did that to her adopted children that choose the wrong path, in fact once they got pregnant, my granparents went to court to reliquish responsiblilty. My grandparents did not want the condone their actions and went to court to prove it.

Kids that know rules are in place for their protection most likely will not rebel. My kids are going to know consequences and as such will respect my rules. My DD already tells me that you need to be married before ever thinking about doing the deed that can result in children and she is only a few monthd from her 8th birthday. She knows not to follow the bad crowd, and talks to me about what her peer say and do.

Knowing consequences is the best way to keep the kids from joining the wrong crowds which infuence bad choices. I am not my children's friend I am their parent, and as such they need to respect the rules. That tight leash keeps them in line.

As for learning the disowning was an empty threat, I only found that out as soon as my sister and I both graduated from high school. Otherwise, the threat was very real. My grandmother did that to her adopted children that choose the wrong path, in fact once they got pregnant, my granparents went to court to reliquish responsiblilty. My grandparents did not want the condone their actions and went to court to prove it.

Kids that know rules are in place for their protection most likely will not rebel. My kids are going to know consequences and as such will respect my rules. My DD already tells me that you need to be married before ever thinking about doing the deed that can result in children and she is only a few monthd from her 8th birthday. She knows not to follow the bad crowd, and talks to me about what her peer say and do.

I was surprised that my oldest didn't ask how the baby got in my belly when I was pregnant. He did ask how the baby gets out, so we talked about that a bit.

Having a girl now, I'm a bit more freaked about things. Seeing how much more "advanced" kids are these days compared to when I was a teenager, I'm worried what kids will be doing when she's older. That's why I gotta plan this stuff now.

I was surprised that my oldest didn't ask how the baby got in my belly when I was pregnant. He did ask how the baby gets out, so we talked about that a bit.

Having a girl now, I'm a bit more freaked about things. Seeing how much more "advanced" kids are these days compared to when I was a teenager, I'm worried what kids will be doing when she's older. That's why I gotta plan this stuff now.

My parents never talked to me about sex. My mom attempted in 4th grade, but I pushed her away and changed the subject! I guess it was just something were were expected to know about from other sources.

I have no idea how I am going to approach the topic with my children.

My parents never talked to me about sex. My mom attempted in 4th grade, but I pushed her away and changed the subject! I guess it was just something were were expected to know about from other sources.

Another thing that has me worried about all this is that my husband & I have vastly different views on what we should tell our kids.

He's in the "Don't do it" camp, and if they ask if we've ever done something to lie. And he's only sort of kidding.

I, on the other hand, am not naive enough to think that our kids won't have sex before they're married, will never smoke pot, or won't get drunk before they're 21. I'm going to encourage them to wait, but I know I can't be there 24/7 as they're growing up. I did all those things. If they ask me, I want to be honest with them (without going into all the gory details) - but tell them the problems & consequences of those decisions.

But we need to get on the same page!

Another thing that has me worried about all this is that my husband & I have vastly different views on what we should tell our kids.

He's in the "Don't do it" camp, and if they ask if we've ever done something to lie. And he's only sort of kidding.

I, on the other hand, am not naive enough to think that our kids won't have sex before they're married, will never smoke pot, or won't get drunk before they're 21. I'm going to encourage them to wait, but I know I can't be there 24/7 as they're growing up. I did all those things. If they ask me, I want to be honest with them (without going into all the gory details) - but tell them the problems & consequences of those decisions.

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying "I'll kill you for X" I just worry about parents who think that threats like that are enough! That's why I told my tattoo story- had they thought to talk seriously with me about tattoos before I got one I might not have done it like I did.

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying "I'll kill you for X" I just worry about parents who think that threats like that are enough! That's why I told my tattoo story- had they thought to talk seriously with me about tattoos before I got one I might not have done it like I did.

Knowing consequences is the best way to keep the kids from joining the wrong crowds which infuence bad choices

I dont really agree with that. I was raised in a very strict religious home. Keeping a tight leash on is didnt really mean we wouldnt brake the rules, we just got better at sneaking around and hiding what we did. As I know alot of kids do. And I think the tighter the leash the more you will actually push your kids away, to do more rebeling.

Knowing consequences is the best way to keep the kids from joining the wrong crowds which infuence bad choices

I dont really agree with that. I was raised in a very strict religious home. Keeping a tight leash on is didnt really mean we wouldnt brake the rules, we just got better at sneaking around and hiding what we did. As I know alot of kids do. And I think the tighter the leash the more you will actually push your kids away, to do more rebeling.

My parents never had the "sex" talk with me either. I didnt know much at all till I was 15 or 16. Ha I even thought you got pregnant from pee, didnt know there was any such thing as cum. AND I thought boys penises came out of them like animals till I was well into my teens. Lol how sad is that?I plan on being very open with my kids about sex and all that goes with it. We already tell my son that drinking is bad till your old enough to be responsible, and will tell him exactly how bad drugs are when he is old enough to understand. Its hard for me to NOT want to just tell them they CANT do something. My parents always did and it pissed me off that they would never give me a real reason. And I know if they really want to do something, they will no matter what I say or do. So my plan is to be very open and honest with them, in hopes they will too. And try to raise them to be responsible in what they do.

My parents never had the "sex" talk with me either. I didnt know much at all till I was 15 or 16. Ha I even thought you got pregnant from pee, didnt know there was any such thing as cum. AND I thought boys penises came out of them like animals till I was well into my teens. Lol how sad is that?I plan on being very open with my kids about sex and all that goes with it. We already tell my son that drinking is bad till your old enough to be responsible, and will tell him exactly how bad drugs are when he is old enough to understand. Its hard for me to NOT want to just tell them they CANT do something. My parents always did and it pissed me off that they would never give me a real reason. And I know if they really want to do something, they will no matter what I say or do. So my plan is to be very open and honest with them, in hopes they will too. And try to raise them to be responsible in what they do.

I think it depends on the circumstances. Me, my child's father, and my parents have tattoos. My parents told me to wait until I was 18 to get any tattoos, I respected that and waited. As for my child's father and I, we have a lot more tattoos, many that are noticeable, but I believe we will use the same approach.
As for the whole sex subject, I went to a place called the Robert Crown center for field trips in school starting in 4th grade. My mom knew I knew that sex leads to babies, about periods, etc. My youngest sister was also conceived with the use of a condom so she made sure that I knew they aren't always 100%. When I became sexually active, I looked into birth control for myself. She ended up helping me look into where I can find it.
I started smoking cigarettes in high school. Both of my parents smoked at the time. I simply sat my mom down and told her. She was upset, but made it clear I will not smoke in the house and she will not support MY habit. I have quit smoking since then.
As for pot, I know my dad used to smoke. My parents always said don't be stupid. Obviously I don't currently smoke pot while pregnant, but both my child's father and I both smoke. We haven't decided on what to tell our child when she's older. We certainly can't be hypocrites. I always had a few beers here and there with my dad starting as a teenager. They always let me know if anything were to happen I could always call for a ride and make sure I NEVER left my drink anywhere. When drinking as a teenager, I usually always did it at a friends house where I spent the night.
I am going to try to use the same approaches my parents used with me. I don't want my child to think they have nowhere to turn to with a question or concern about serious topics. Obviously teenagers experiment, but I just hope they do it in a more responsible manner.

I think it depends on the circumstances. Me, my child's father, and my parents have tattoos. My parents told me to wait until I was 18 to get any tattoos, I respected that and waited. As for my child's father and I, we have a lot more tattoos, many that are noticeable, but I believe we will use the same approach.
As for the whole sex subject, I went to a place called the Robert Crown center for field trips in school starting in 4th grade. My mom knew I knew that sex leads to babies, about periods, etc. My youngest sister was also conceived with the use of a condom so she made sure that I knew they aren't always 100%. When I became sexually active, I looked into birth control for myself. She ended up helping me look into where I can find it.
I started smoking cigarettes in high school. Both of my parents smoked at the time. I simply sat my mom down and told her. She was upset, but made it clear I will not smoke in the house and she will not support MY habit. I have quit smoking since then.
As for pot, I know my dad used to smoke. My parents always said don't be stupid. Obviously I don't currently smoke pot while pregnant, but both my child's father and I both smoke. We haven't decided on what to tell our child when she's older. We certainly can't be hypocrites. I always had a few beers here and there with my dad starting as a teenager. They always let me know if anything were to happen I could always call for a ride and make sure I NEVER left my drink anywhere. When drinking as a teenager, I usually always did it at a friends house where I spent the night.
I am going to try to use the same approaches my parents used with me. I don't want my child to think they have nowhere to turn to with a question or concern about serious topics. Obviously teenagers experiment, but I just hope they do it in a more responsible manner.

There's a book out called "The Talk" by Dr. Sharon Maxwell. Â Here's her website: Â http://www.drsharonmaxwell.com/mybook.html. Â I haven't read the book yet, but I have heard her speak a couple of times and she taught a sex ed program at the school where I used to work. Â It's a good book to start reading when your kids are really young, because she addresses a lot of issues like peer pressure, sex in the media, and how to teach your kids to think for themselves and follow your family's values in spite of all the outside influences. Â She also has an interesting approach to teaching kids how to control their desires (for anything, not just sex) and be less impulsive.Â

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There's a book out called "The Talk" by Dr. Sharon Maxwell. Â Here's her website: Â http://www.drsharonmaxwell.com/mybook.html. Â I haven't read the book yet, but I have heard her speak a couple of times and she taught a sex ed program at the school where I used to work. Â It's a good book to start reading when your kids are really young, because she addresses a lot of issues like peer pressure, sex in the media, and how to teach your kids to think for themselves and follow your family's values in spite of all the outside influences. Â She also has an interesting approach to teaching kids how to control their desires (for anything, not just sex) and be less impulsive.Â

The biggest advice I can offer is that it should be relaxed conversation starting when they're little and growing from there as they get more mature. It shouldn't necessarily be a big, scary, stand alone talk but more of an ongoing communication topic that's just as natural as you can make it. If you're uncomfortable, they will be too!

The drug and alcohol conversations had to start pretty young for my girls as they were exposed to their father's addiction and teh problems that came with it. His whole family (literally almost all of them) have addictions of some form and their dad has both drug and alcohol problems. We've communicated about it very openly and they know if they ever have any questions or thoughts, I'm willing to listen.

Sex is never a taboo subject in our house. My DH and I speak openly (but not graphically) about sex with the kids. They know the basics of how it all works and the older girls know the risks that come from irresponsible sexual behavior.

The biggest advice I can offer is that it should be relaxed conversation starting when they're little and growing from there as they get more mature. It shouldn't necessarily be a big, scary, stand alone talk but more of an ongoing communication topic that's just as natural as you can make it. If you're uncomfortable, they will be too!

The drug and alcohol conversations had to start pretty young for my girls as they were exposed to their father's addiction and teh problems that came with it. His whole family (literally almost all of them) have addictions of some form and their dad has both drug and alcohol problems. We've communicated about it very openly and they know if they ever have any questions or thoughts, I'm willing to listen.

Sex is never a taboo subject in our house. My DH and I speak openly (but not graphically) about sex with the kids. They know the basics of how it all works and the older girls know the risks that come from irresponsible sexual behavior.

I like you're approach on tattoos! I told my daughter that tattoos and any piercings other than her ears could be done when she no longer required my legal consent to do them. I have a tattoo and the kids know it but, like I told them, I paid for it and was an adult when I got it.

I like you're approach on tattoos! I told my daughter that tattoos and any piercings other than her ears could be done when she no longer required my legal consent to do them. I have a tattoo and the kids know it but, like I told them, I paid for it and was an adult when I got it.

I've been having age appropriate talks with my son since kindergarten. They become more mature as he does, and at 15, I think we are in a good place, since he is comfortable enough to ask me questions.

Regarding drinking and drugs specifically, he had a memorable weekend with us when my first boyfriend and long time friend died in a fire after drinking and taking prescription drugs. That left more of an impression than anything I could say. Also, he chose to do his freshman project on alcoholism, and attended several AA meetings as a guest. Again, better than any blah blah talk from a parent or teacher.

I've been having age appropriate talks with my son since kindergarten. They become more mature as he does, and at 15, I think we are in a good place, since he is comfortable enough to ask me questions.

Regarding drinking and drugs specifically, he had a memorable weekend with us when my first boyfriend and long time friend died in a fire after drinking and taking prescription drugs. That left more of an impression than anything I could say. Also, he chose to do his freshman project on alcoholism, and attended several AA meetings as a guest. Again, better than any blah blah talk from a parent or teacher.

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