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Peace. Tranquility. Insanity.

20 Cryptic Status Updates to Confuse Your Friends and Family

1. “I knew there were going to be issues when they told me I had to light both ends of the baton before I could twirl it.”

2. “Does anyone have a really big truck that can haul something the size of a small elephant? Oh, and I might need some character witnesses for a court date later this month. Text me.”

3. “Note to Self: Always make sure that you have underwear on when answering the front door. Unexpected things can happen, and the Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t have anything in their training manual for these developments.”

4. “Does anyone know what happened to the colander?”

5. “For the last time, the toilet paper goes on the spindle so that the paper rolls off the top. Don’t come up in my house and try to jack with the protocol. I’ll cut you.”

6. “I have no idea how I got 2,000 friends in Facebook. I’m assuming that alcohol was on the selection committee.”

7. “My fortune cookie had a recall notice in it.”

8. “It really irks me when I’m starving to death, open the refrigerator to find it crammed full of whatnots, and there’s not a damn thing in there I want. All this useless crap, and we’re saving it? Why? We’re all just waiting for the pointless leftovers to grow mold spores so we can then chunk them and cram newer crap in there that no one is ever going to eat. It’s ridiculous. On the plus side, reviewing the contents of the fridge during summer months is quite refreshing, with all that cooled air gushing about, especially if you have just terrorized some Jehovah’s witnesses with a commando performance at the front door.”

9. “Today is National Procrastination Day. People suffer from procrastination all the time, even though they try really hard to not do anything about it. If you support procrastination, think about posting this as your status, then don’t do it and go watch TV instead.”

10. “Don’t take the blue pill.”

11. “Dear person behind me in the check-out line at the supermarket: What was it about my appearance or mannerisms that made you think I cared one iota about your personal life? Please tell me, so I don’t make that mistake again. I just wanted to buy some avocados. I really wasn’t prepared for your woodchuck-on-acid emotional meltdown.”

12. “All I can say is that it must have been the allergy medication that made me do it.”

13. “So, what’s the real difference between first-degree and second-degree murder? Skill in hiding the body? Neatness? The dismount? Choice of soundtrack?”

14. “Okay, fine. I’m the one who ate the last piece of pizza and then made up that mess about a home invasion. I paid the neighborhood boy to lie about somebody running down the alley with grease dripping from his chin. Trust me, that was just a minor moment in my arsenal of deception and world domination.”

15. “The treadmill in the den. The thing that I absolutely had to have, used it a few times, and then ignored it ever since. It’s just like any relationship I had in college, only without the beer bong and the subsequent need to visit a free clinic while wearing sunglasses and using a fake name.”

16. “Click ‘Like’ if you think that people really shouldn’t be clicking ‘Like’ on every tiny update from everybody on the planet. (Co-dependent, much?) Ten years ago people on this planet actually managed to survive without digital validation.”

17. “I really meant to accomplish a lot of important things today. Then I got out of bed, which totally ruined everything.”

18. “I have no idea how those stains got there.”

19. “They should develop software that automatically takes a photo of someone posting idiotic or hateful remarks on the Internet, like those traffic cameras that capture a snap of Billy Bob Clodhopper clearly flying through the intersection a full minute after the signal turned red, tossing a beer can out the window. The only exception to this rule should be porn sites. That’s a world of delusion in itself, with the obvious lie that sex lasts for hours, everybody has multiple orgasms, and all you have to do to arrange for sex is order pizza or have a plumbing situation where a service tech has to lie on the floor and reach for a lug-nut.”

20. “If anybody asks, I was nowhere near the intersection of Hampton and Bonnywood roughly two hours ago. I know nothing about how the fire started. And I certainly don’t have a flaming baton. Not anymore.”

Originally posted in “The Sound and the Fury” on 04/27/12 and “Bonnywood Manor” on 09/25/15. Minimally revised and updated with extra flair for this post. No actual status updates were harmed in the resuscitation of this post.

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There is only one Procrastination Day? Seems like a case of discrimination.
Otherwise, I am adopting all these updates for my whatsapp status. I hope you understand if I don’t refer you – it’s Procrastination Day !

There is only one “official” procrastination day, at least in this country where the status quo seems to be rather fluid. But at Bonnywood Manor? We raise our torches high in celebration of perpetual procrastination. (And I humbly accept the non-reference. Do what you need to do (or not do) in order to be happy… 😉

Or … don’t take the blue pill and then answer the door to the Jehovah’s Witnesses commando. Note to self… opening the refrigerator door and doing that fridge audit will not alleviate the effect, boys. 😉

BWAHAHAHHAHAH!!! I’m skipping blithely over to FB to post at least one of these on my status and to watch the ensuing frenzy. Particularly if I put hateful brother’s name on the status…kinda like poking into that anthill. It’s destructive to the ANTS, it’s sort of fun to watch them scurrying around, screaming unheard ant epithets and trying to repair the roof that the giants fucked up. Again. No fun being an ant. And where all that totally off the subject stuff about ants came from, I’ve no idea. I was just sitting here laughing to begin with… Maybe it’s time to check my meds again?

I check my meds constantly, just to make sure that I still have plenty. Because if I ever run out, well, let’s just say that there might be an atmospheric disturbance that will be reported on the local news…

YES! The toilet paper always rolls from the top! Thank you for the confirmation!
Curious, how many of these have you actually posted? Several — well, all — are top notch. I especially liked #16 and would willingly click Like for it.
Once I left something about the moronic “share if you agree” status updates. I pointed out how they’re always on something clearly obvious. “Share if you agree puppies should not be served as entrees in restaurants!” But the worst is how they end with, “I know 99% of you won’t!”
So my rant asked for people to stay strong, not to share moronic posts, then ended with “Share if you agree…” 99%, etc.
I got a few shares. It was great. 😉

I used variations of quite a few of these during my Facebook days. In fact, now that you have me thinking about it, I may have to dig out some of my more bizarre (if that can be said) updates from my various Facebook pages. (One of them is/was called “Endless Chaos”. That should be a warning sign right there.) Doing such should make for a passable “Friday Night Clam Bake” installment, taking some of the pressure off the ongoing “what in the world am I going to write about next” dilemma that we both know well.

Those “share if you agree” things make me clench, especially with that “99% threat”. Come on, folks. Just post something creative and original, and the sharing will naturally happen. For examples of such, please visit Feeding on Folly. Thank you and good night.

Ok, number 5 is nothing to joke about. If you put the roll so it comes out the back rather than on top, you’re the damn devil. Also in regards to number 9, my favorite quote use to be “procrastination if like masturbation. At first it feels good, but then you realize you’re just screwing yourself”.