If this is your first visit, be sure to
check out the FAQ by clicking the
link above. You may have to register
before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages,
select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

Nice. Very nice. Deep, mysterious, vague, and spellbinding. But there's this one feeling I can't quite grasp. I dunno, connection maybe? I'm really not sure, but the way it's played out it makes me feels like I'm right there. I guess you could say that the emotion is so strong that you feel like you're a part of it, IMO. I really do hope that made sense. *sweatdrop*

Chapter 12? Wow. Just out of curiosity, how long have you been working on this? Because you're obviously doing quite well with it.

I've been working on it for a few years now. Yeah, I know, it should be longer with that sort of effort, but it's tough to write for me. I think the time between chapters 11 and 12 may be the shortest, since 12 should be finished shortly.

A few years, huh? I applaud your persistence. I certainly couldn't keep working at something for years. Heck, I couldn't even work at something for months. And for writing about a character that doesn't have many facts to base things off of, you're doing well. From reading so far, I can tell that you've put in a lot of effort into this. For me, numbers in writing, whether they regard to amount of chapters or amount of years spent doing something, really don't matter. What really matters is the piece of writing itself. Quality, not quantity you could say, eh?

And unlike pretty much every other multi-parter I've attempted in the past (OK, so one was a dreadful Street Fighter fic and the other was an FFVI comedy that really wasn't all that funny, so I'm not working with a lot of backup here), I fully intend to *finish* this one. Probably because it's the first 'long fic' I've done that's halfway decent.

Despite my thoughts, the sound of the water was soothing, almost like the backdrop to a dream.

But I had had enough of dreams for the time being, at least the sort one has while asleep. My dreams have always been concurrent to my goals.

But I am getting ahead of myself.

I lay in bed for a few more minutes, getting my bearings. I was in Kanto, in Seafoam, at my father's home; that much I knew. I had been here only once before, but too long ago to clearly remember it.

The room was sparse, with a few cardboard boxes stacked against the wall. That was all that remained of what my life had been, just whatever could be brought along.

Only a week ago, my life was untouched. Now I may as well be adrift on the open ocean.

There were voices down the hallway, and I slid out of bed to crawl to the door--having been bedridden for the time I was left me unable to properly walk. I recognized my father's voice, as he spoke to a woman I did not know.

"--don't know, Helen. He's still asleep, so it'll have to wait." My father's voice was even and calm as always.

The woman paused. "I've never seen anything like that...What did you do with that ring of his?"

I gasped, looking around for it. What if he had forgotten it? What if it was lost in the move?

"It's on the desk. Can't have it getting lost in the covers..."

A low sigh escaped from my parted lips, and with shaking legs, I stood, leaning against the wall for support. The desk was only a few steps away by normal measure, but it took my entire focus to reach it. The ring shone, glimmering like the waves of the ocean, as I took it in my hand, clasping it to my chest and sinking to my weary knees. It was back with me now, the treasure that just a short time ago still adorned my mother's hand. My grip around it tightened, and I felt safer.

Seafoam is a small town, despite the crowds that pass through it every year. My father's home and shop were atop a cliff, which was not only necessary for his business but kept us away from the areas people congregated.

I have always valued solitude, even before that. So I was grateful for the silence, the only sounds around being from the hangar. My father was, and I would presume still is, a renowned airship engineer, attracting client&#232;le from the world over.

Although I did not know it, my future was being set at that very moment.

The next thing I remember was several hours later, the sound of the door opening. At first I did not notice, until I felt someone in the room with me.

"Jiri? Are you here with me now?" My father knelt down to me, resting a hand on my shoulder. "What's that in your hand?"

Reluctantly, I opened my fist, revealing the ring on my palm. In the past hours, it had left an imprint in my skin. Oddly fitting, I thought.

"Gloria's ring..." he whispered, a faint twinge of sadness in his voice. "I thought that was it..."

I tried to say something, but could not find my voice.

"Jiri," he continued, moving his hand to my face and brushing away a tear I did not know had formed. "Jiri, I'm sorry I wasn't there earlier...I wanted to be, but..."

I held up my hand, the one with the mark most evident. There was no need for him to explain.

He took me close, sighing. "Jiri, I want to hear your voice."

Again, I was unable to speak, so I merely shook my head against his chest.

"My beautiful boy..." he muttered as his hand found the back of my head. "My little angel..."

I gasped. I couldn't be an angel, no, not while mother was my angel.

"Jiri? Jiri, what's wrong?"

With a flat tone that surprised even me, I managed to whisper "...mama's gone..."

He nodded. "...yes. I'm sorry."

The ring glimmered in my hand, the light reflected from the waves outside catching it, and I mimicked his nod. "Yes," I echoed, as he picked me up and lay me back in bed.

"You should take it easy," he whispered, tucking the covers around me once more. The ring now shone from the bedside table, its ruby twinkling casting a dance on the ceiling.

I could not listen to his further words, although I was aware he continued to speak. Lying there, the light put me in a trance, and I fell asleep once again, thinking of the ocean.

Here’s your promised review! And you’re quite right about not many fictions including Jiraruden (Lawrence III) as a true character. Mine does/will, though. Meaning I’ve introduced him already and am planning a great deal of the story to include him. Anyways, enough about my fiction, ‘tis not why I’m here.

Characters/Pokemon

Jiraruden: This character’s personality and development are incredible. This is the first fiction that I’ve seen that really gets into the author’s view of what Jiraruden’s past is like, and it’s incredibly well done. Truly astounding work, with the loss of his mother, coupled with the reception of the Ancient Mew card, and adoption by his father all working together to make him withdraw from the world and from humanity. Even the kid-like situation helps contribute to that, with a complete lack of friends, hypocritical adults, and other children his age all tormenting both him and his mother because of the medicines she makes. I can really see how this would lead into the collector’s obsession, but exactly how I’m not yet certain. Truly an amazing character, though.Mother (name unknown): I enjoyed this description of Lawrence’s mother quite a lot, actually. Her hard, lonely life, coupled with her incredible love for her son, create the image of a truly great parent, caring only for her son. A pity she had to die so soon, though…Corbin: Ah, a clueless father, who had never really been involved in his son’s life before the death of his wife. Personally, I think Jiraruden’s scorn for this ignorant parent is very well placed. Though he really just seems to be trying to connect with his son, as any good parent should.

Plot

This is a very nice plot, all in flashback, which makes for a nice, different style of writing than my usual reviews. The way you handle it is excellent indeed, I managed to enjoy it despite the shortness of each Chapter. Don’t really have much to suggest for length improvement, however. Anyway, I like the direction of this, and the way you've introduced the various pieces of Jiraruden's past that will make him who he is in the present. It just seems to flow together very well, and that white bird... Lugia.

Grammar

Flawless, as far as I could tell. Truly amazing work here.

Summary

An excellent piece of work, but it could use a little more length.

Well, I look forward to reading more of this! Great job so far!

Until we meet again...

Last edited by The Pokemon Master; 29th July 2006 at 12:41 PM.

The Legacy Continues

A story of events in the world of Pokémon, long after Ash Ketchum has retired from the scene. His young child, determined to surpass even her father's incredible achievements, has a long and fantastic journey ahead of her... even as forces greater than any known before conspire to arrange their own ends behind the scenes.

Yet another chapter! Amazing! I really enjoyed it!
Poor Jiri... The li'l guy needs a hug... And his poor father, not knowing what to do with him.

One reason why I'm really liking this is that I can relate to it, something a little stronger than feeling like I'm there. You see, my mother passed away a couple of years ago, and my father was still living with us, but he worked like a dog, so it kept him away from us. That and a few relationships with women other than my mother. He never was a father to me until my mother died, and for what he did -- or didn't -- do, I still can't forgive him and I still can't look at him the way I should. I mean, I want to look at him lovingly and happily and such, but I still look at him in the partially bitter way that I used to.

My point is that I know the way Jirarudan feels, and I can't help but feel sorry for him. He needs some sort of outlet, that's what he needs. Something to... Oh, I dunno. Get him towards putting his life back together?
*shrugs*

I seem to have drifted off there for a second. Anyway, excellent chapter! I really love the way this is going. It flawless and beautiful! Keep up the amazing work! =D

Oh. Sorry, must have missed it. Anyway, my fic's already up (has been for some time), I just have been caught up in a whirlwind of other things to do and haven't managed to complete another Chapter Part yet. *sighs* Oh well.

Until we meet again...

The Legacy Continues

A story of events in the world of Pokémon, long after Ash Ketchum has retired from the scene. His young child, determined to surpass even her father's incredible achievements, has a long and fantastic journey ahead of her... even as forces greater than any known before conspire to arrange their own ends behind the scenes.

Your story looks interesting. I'll have to give it a full read sometime, but 17 pages is a lot to go through.

And it's Friday, so you know what that means! Chapter 6 up now! In which we meet a mysterious man...

The next few weeks passed, strangely uneventful, given my acclimation. It was most peculiar, for I do not recall anything of those weeks clearly.

I know I spent a great deal of time in my room, looking out the window. Seafoam is a pleasant enough town for others, but for me it was like being in another world.

But the sky...the sky was the same, and it brought comfort. The sky would be always as it was at home. And it was safe, as home had been, as the wings of the white bird had been.

I would see it again, where the sky met the ocean. But that day would be a long way off, and I still had much to happen in my life.

One thing I know only from the stories of my father and his assistant Helen was that I would do things that startled the both of them greatly. I have no memory of this incident, but he would tell me that I insisted on drawing angels. I do not doubt him, as I dreamed of angels and white wings nearly every night.

After a particularly disturbing day, to hear him tell it, wherein I had locked myself in my room and covered every inch of paper with images of angels, he decided something had to change.

Hoping to play on my artistic nature, he began taking me to his workshop. He would show me sketches and models of the ships he was constructing, and how they were made. I took to them quickly; it seems I was eager for an outlet.

This part I remember with considerably more clarity than the weeks before it.

Most of the patrons came to know me by name, but did not pay me much mind. But I learned to read people from my dealings with them. I could tell much about a person from the things I saw. Most people were the idle rich, those wishing to show off their wealth with a custom-made token from the famous airship engineer Corbin.

But one man stood out from the rest. He had a regal bearing, and an air of eternal calm, as though he knew how to take exactly what he wanted from life. He would smile kindly at me during his conversations with my father and the other engineers, but we had never spoken until one day.

Had that day never come, I cannot imagine where fate would have taken me.

Father had set up a station for me to work on my drawings, and I had an idea for that day's project. I would sketch my Ancient Mew card; see if I could capture its essence on paper.

I had barely gotten set up when I heard a sharp gasp from behind me. The regal man was there, wide green eyes fixated on the card. "M...my boy!" he stammered. "Wherever did you get that card?"

I looked at it, then at him. "My mother gave it to me," I said simply as I returned to the picture.

"I see...You know, it's not often that you see one of those, much less in the hands of one as young as you."

"Not often," I repeated, only to find his extended hand between me and the paper.

"My name is Asaph," he introduced.

"Jirarudan." I shook his hand firmly and tried to turn my attention back to the picture.

"Do you think I...could get a closer look?" That calm of his was rapidly fading, so I nodded.

"Be careful with it," I added, very close to my mother's own tone when she had issued such a warning to me.

He turned the thin card over in his hands, the gold sheet and gemstones glinting in the half-light. "Incredible. Do you know where she got this?"

"From her parents, I presume." My short answers sufficed for most people, but I could tell Asaph wanted to know more. "She only told me that it was a family heirloom."

A slow nod of his head. "I see..."

I started shading in a part I had already drawn. "Why do you take such interest in it?"

He set the card back next to me and drew himself up to full height, like a regal speaker about to deliver an address. "Well, my boy, I...am a Collector."

I think you did, Butler. :P Anyway, that Chapter was once again short but brilliant. I loved the last line, it makes me want to quote this:

Originally Posted by Pokémon the Movie 2000

"I'm afraid I'm not a trainer, young lady. I am merely... a collector.

-Lawrence III/Jiraruden

Guess we know where he got that from now, huh? And I wonder what his obsession with angels has got to do with anything... Well, at least I finally thought of his father's business relating to his collecting. That is likely how he gets his massive airship/assault engine.

By the way, my fic is interesting after you get past the Prologue (which is horribly clichéd). Just a warning that I generally give people now... I still want to fix that thing...

Until we meet again...

The Legacy Continues

A story of events in the world of Pokémon, long after Ash Ketchum has retired from the scene. His young child, determined to surpass even her father's incredible achievements, has a long and fantastic journey ahead of her... even as forces greater than any known before conspire to arrange their own ends behind the scenes.

If you remember, the ceiling of his gallery room was decorated with angels.

I actually didn't invent the idea of Jiri's mother and her sad fate. I read it on a fansite about him, and althought I'm not sure how canon it is, I liked the idea. The site also said that she gave him his ruby ring.

I suppose I should get the book that had his ship blueprints, maybe this information would be in there, if it exists.

Part seven! Hard to believe I've been doing this for seven weeks already...warning, this is another short one. I had to come up with a story behind the card, and this was the best I could do...

A Collector... I had heard of such people before, those who lived their lives for artifacts of the ancient world. The idea had intrigued me in mention, but I had not paid it much mind past that. But now I had to know more.

"A Collector..." I repeated softly, evidently enough to cause him to duck down to my level.

"Yes..." he smiled gently, meeting my gaze.

Eye contact was intensely uncomfortable for me at that time, so I looked away, back at the card. "...what do you know of this?" I asked him, running my finger over the thin gold sheet.

"...mother isn't here," I whispered, but evidently he did not hear me.

"It's a remarkable relic, really. There's only been a few on the market in recent years..." He paused to clear his throat before continuing. "Many years ago, that picture was found on the wall of an ancient building, deep in the jungle. One of the explorers who found it that day made a painting of it, but found that he could not capture the brilliant gold sheen of the original. So he hired a goldsmith and a jeweler to make these cards, and gave them to everyone involved in the expedition. There were over two hundred people who took part, so the cards are just common enough that people 'discover' them in their heirlooms, and rare and fine enough that people will pay dearly for them."

I looked at him out of the corner of my eye, still focused on the card. "Mama said it was in her family for many years. She told me it was called Ancient Mew."

"Yes, yes, that's what people have taken to calling it."

He still seemed excited by his find, but was calming, so I turned to look at him again. "...Tell me more."

"...more?" His eyebrows raised elegantly. "What did you have in mind, my boy?"

I looked back at the card, running my finger down the jeweled face. "...what does the writing say?"

"Hmm..." He put his hand to his face as though lost in thought. "It's based on a game they found around the same area, but I'm really not certain what it says. I'm sure some cursory research could be done to find out, though."

For the time, that was good enough for me. I later found out, but that is neither here nor there for the continuation of my tale.

Asaph was enthralling, regaling me with tales of his own treasures, and I listened, enraptured, to every word. But then he was called away to check on some specifications for his ship, leaving me to absorb everything he had told me.

A slow smile spread across my face, although at the time I did not know why.

Hmm... Quite interesting indeed. I actually never really wondered about the Ancient Mew card, so it's nice to see a backstory for it. And Jiraruden has been turned to the art of collecting...

Once again, great work! Wonder what'll happen next Friday?

Until we meet again...

The Legacy Continues

A story of events in the world of Pokémon, long after Ash Ketchum has retired from the scene. His young child, determined to surpass even her father's incredible achievements, has a long and fantastic journey ahead of her... even as forces greater than any known before conspire to arrange their own ends behind the scenes.