Dress Code Satire

May 31, 2011

By Anonymous, Montclair, NJ

School Dress Codes. One of the most enforced school policies of all time. Everyone has an opinion about what is too short, what is too long, what is too low, what is too high, what is too tight, and what is too loose. According to schools, middle school girls are all indecent. Because of this, there are very specific rules about what us girls can and cannot wear. “Skirts, dresses and shorts cannot be more than 2 inches above the knee.” So we can only wear long shorts? Is it just me or does that sound like an oxymoron? Wouldn’t long shorts be pants? “All pants and shorts must be worn on the waist.” Would I be punished for wearing my pants above my waist? What if I want to wear my pants around my chest? That’s a nerd style. Nerds are usually pretty smart. Are the schools now frowning upon smart people doing well in school? What about Steve Erkel? Would he be punished for wearing his pants too high? “All tops should cover the top of shoulders and cover the entire body.” It’s a good thing they don’t allow us to show our shoulders. Shoulder showing could really get crazy. I mean, us kids get so turned on by shoulders, who knows what would happen if we all walked around with bare shoulders all day. Also, since when does a shirt cover your entire body? I have never seen a head to toe shirt, unless you include burkas and those ghost Halloween costumes made from cheap sheets. I’ve been violating the dress code for two years, wearing shirts that only cover my torso, without even knowing it. How silly of me! I should have realized our public schools run by the United States government that believes in Separation of Church and State would want us to wear burkas to school.

What about that rule stating no head coverings are permitted in school excluding religious reasons? A burka would cover my head and I’m not Muslim. How can I wear a shirt that covers my whole body, while not covering my head? Last I checked, my head was part of my body. To follow this policy, my head cannot be a part of my body. I’ll just have to chop off my head. If my head is severed from the rest of my body it surely wouldn’t be considered part of my body anymore. Finally, a solution! Now I just need to figure out how to live with a severed head and my plan will be perfect!

“Due to safety &amp; health concerns, flip-flops sandals, chains and studded/choke collars are not permitted in school.” First, how are shoes and accessories unhealthy? Is someone allergic to flip-flops? Second, who wears collars? Dogs? What does the school have against dogs? Dog collars don’t do any harm. There purpose is purely good, to help a dog find its owner if it gets lost. What if a dog gets lost in the school, wasn’t allowed to wear a collar and was lost forever? The school would have to live with the guilt of making an innocent puppy lonely. Wait. Back up. Dogs aren’t allowed on school property. Therefore, I ask again: Who wears collars?

Unfortunately, many of the dress code policies described above are violated daily. Enforcing the dress code is so difficult. Students will never listen! That why the debate whether or not school uniforms are better for students is so popular. School uniforms would solve all dress code issues. Issues such as letting students express themselves and be individuals. Wouldn’t society run much more smoothly if we turned all small children into robots? Dress them all alike. Same shirts. Same pants. Right down to the same underwear, socks, and shoes. While we’re at it, might as well dye all their hair the same color and give them all the same color contacts. Oh, and to ensure all students will be the same height, we should probably saw down their legs, to, you know, even their heights out. It is of the utmost importance that we send out the message “Difference is bad!” to the youth of America, which completely agrees with the country’s founding morals. School uniforms will greatly help others recognize this point. Oh, yes. Uniforms will make everything all better.

Subscribe

Get Teen Ink’s 48-page monthly print edition. Written by teens since 1989.