What It's Like to Be a Sex Party Planner

Larisa Fuchs (professionally known as Miss Scorpio), 37, runs a party-planning business in New York City called Gemini & Scorpio for elaborate costume and themed parties. A few years ago, she and her partner launched House of Scorpio, for "parties with an anything-goes pan-sexual vibe."

House of Scorpio got started pretty much the same way Gemini & Scorpio got started, which is that I couldn't find the kinds of parties that I wanted to go to so I made them happen myself. I have been to a number of these [group sex parties, often called "play parties"] personally. I've gotten the chance to see all sorts of parties out there.

To me, a lot of the success of a play party is the crowd that it attracts. A lot of play parties end up going really upscale and the audience ends up being bankers and the women they can afford to buy. That is just not who I want to play with and I think there's an audience out there that definitely feels the same way. I personally travel more in the polyamorous crowd, the Burning Man crowd, the BDSM crowd. There are elements of all those in my audience.

The "makeout party" is sort of where it starts. There is no sex at makeout parties. We do things like play spin the bottle or a game where you match the color of your sticker to someone else's and maybe ask them for a kiss. That lets people get comfortable with each other, figure out the rules, and figure out how to negotiate consent and their personal boundaries, so that when it comes to the play parties, there's already a comfort level.

Then we take this idea of the makeout party and we apply it to a play party. When doors open at 10 p.m., it's just a mix-and-mingle cocktail party. At 11, it becomes a makeout party where all of our regular makeout rules apply, and at 12, we lock the door and anything goes. What generally happens is people make their connections and do their negotiations and play the party games. Most of that happens in the first few hours of the party and then it becomes this beautiful playtime.

Everybody coming into the party has to acknowledge that they've read the rules, and we also have them posted at the entrance where everybody has to read them back to our doorman and consent in person before they go in. We have some dos and don'ts. If I wanted to condense the rules to one line, it would be: "Don't be crazy." That's really what it's about. The don'ts such as, "Don't cruise aggressively," and, "Don't linger near people playing," those are kind of obvious things. If you just think, What would I not be comfortable with if I were in a play party environment? those are the things. If you're mindful of your physical presence and how you're negotiating with others and making sure you know the boundaries of the person you're playing with, those are the key things. We hardly ever have issues, miraculously.

Some of the misconceptions about play parties have to do with how the process works. If you don't want to fully participate, you have the option not to. You can just go see how you feel about things. No one is going to force you into a weird sexual situation. That's just not how they work. The other part is that people don't necessarily know how to negotiate their participation. So it can be overwhelming for someone who's new to go from, "Here I am at a party having a cocktail," to, "I am engaged in a super hot threesome with some beautiful people." I would recommend going to something like the makeout parties so you can have active practice.

The parties just don't feel [like an orgy]. It doesn't feel like a porn movie, other than in the most beautiful sense. You don't walk into the party and all of a sudden, everybody's throwing their partners at each other and putting their keys in a bowl. That is very much not what happens. Everybody involved is still an individual, so you have to connect to the individual and see what they might like and what you might like and whether there's any common ground there.

I'm in a relationship. I have a live-in partner who actively participates in the events. He has been a big part of the BDSM and sex scene in New York for a long time and he's very well-versed in all of this. My boyfriend and I are both polyamorous and we'd been poly for a long time before meeting for each other, so for us, this is not new ground to negotiate. Sometimes we have our lovers come out to the parties. Very frequently, my ex-boyfriend will bartend and I've got other past and current relationships who come out and act as helpers at an event. It's all very close and familial.

We provide a lot of safety supplies, but personal safety is a personal choice. It's another one of those boundaries you have to negotiate with the person you're playing with. For committed couples, there's a different set of rules in place than for people who are dating casually and are attending this event together. It's something that people have to take personal responsibility for. We just provide the tools for them to make the decisions with.

I've seen an explosion of these kinds of events in the last few years. I remember when I was going to them initially, like, 15 years ago, you could name all the producers on one hand. More and more people are now getting involved and it's much more OK to throw this kind of event. In general, polyamory is now becoming more known as a lifestyle choice. There's less fear, there are less misconceptions, and people aren't just assuming that it's a '70s swinger thing.

People shouldn't be afraid to experiment. It's good for everybody to go to this type of event at least once and it's not at all about having sex with other people. It is about figuring out what is important to you both sexually for yourself and with your partner. These parties are such an opportunity to practice establishing consent and boundaries. A lot of couples, especially monogamous couples, just don't have these kinds of discussions. Going to these events helps you figure out how to make sure that you're safe and happy.

"Sex Work" is a weekly series that profiles women who have careers in sex-related industries — from porn stars to sex researchers and everyone in between. Check back every week for the latest interview.

Cheryl Wischhover writes about beauty, health, fitness and fashion. Follow her on Twitter.

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