Thursday, September 19, 2013

sugar showdown, 26 weeks, 6 days

The gestational
diabetes test is a shame – not because it’s a bullshit test[1]
that requires a pregnant woman to needlessly suffer[2]
– but because it comes during this magical time in your pregnancy[3]. This time
when, all of a sudden, the stars begin to align. The nausea has (almost
totally) dissipated. You’re back to waking only once or twice a night to pee,
rather than the 9-12 times of yore. You’ve begun to feel much more like a human
being (albeit rounder), rather than the
emotional-sexless-ravenous-nauseated-train-wreck of trimesters pasts. You’re
even starting to appear pregnant in a way that says glowing! rather than in a way that says I-just-ate-several-burritos-and-need-to-unbutton completely-take-off-my-pants.
What I mean to say is that, at least for me, starting around five months,
things started to feel pretty good. Sure, there was the occasional nighttime
leg cramp – oh, the shrillness of my screams! – and my first Braxton-Hicks
experience – must-stop-moving-and-stand-VERY-VERY-STILL
– and heartburn, obviously and always. But overall, I was feeling good. Like, almost really good.

That is, until
<drums!> the
test to end all tests: THE. GREAT. GLUCOSE. CHALLENGE.

Simply put, the
gestational diabetes test boils down to this:

one part 12 hour
fast + one part 2 hour test + one horrendous bottle of
orange-fizzy-cough-syrup-that-a-well-meaning-phlebotomist-will-assure-you-tastes-just-like-gatorade! + a million
needle sticks + one seriously overdramatic, dizzy and nauseated pregnant lady –
I’m creating a human life here, people!
= an entire morning of unfettered joy/shiny happy people dancing/bliss[4]!

[Spoiler alert:
here’s where I make it seem so-unsimple
and so-very-overdramatic].

When I arrived
at the office, the woman at the front desk, searching for the right word and at
first not realizing the depths of her well-placed irony, asked me “did you starve?” before correcting
herself and confirming that I fasted.
I probably laughed too hard/too long/too
maniacally at the accuracy of her initial inquiry. Because yeah. I starved.
Because I am six months pregnant and not eating for AN ENTIRE TWELVE HOURS is basically state sanctioned torture. Now
checked in, it was time for my first blood letting.

I have to admit,
at this point in my life, I thought I was an old pro. Yeah, I have a history of
blood-draw-induced-fainting
but I really thought that the infertility rollercoaster had shed me of my bad
habit. That the incredibly efficient resident blood-letter in the infertility
clinic had restored in me a confidence, trust and ease. I mean, shucks, by the
end of my infertility clinic tenure, I wasn’t even lying down anymore. I was sitting! Like a person! (With my eyes
closed, tightly wringing my hands and in great terror).

All of this is
to say that my backslide into blood-drawing-mediocrity was that much harder to
swallow. But let me not be the only one to blame: this blood-drawer was not
exactly a match made in heaven. When I warned her that I had fainted in the
past[5],
she grew immediately wary – of both me and her own ability. Points for instilling
confidence? Check! During the first blood draw, she announced that “blood is
going back in your arm and under your skin, hmmm”.
To round things out, she removed the needle and confirmed what I was already
feeling “there’s a lot of blood still coming out!” Super. Let’s all just close
our eyes and go to our happy place…

Luckily, blood
draw number one was followed by my first refreshment of the morning. A Sunny D size bottle of NOTHING-BUT-ORANGE-SUGAR[6].
After dry heaving/gulping it down, I wandered aimlessly into the waiting room
where, in a fit of nausea and sudden post-fasting-sugar-rush, it’s possible
that I may have taken a brief nap.

An hour later,
blood draw number two and an entire hour
after that, the hat trick: blood draw number three. Let’s just cut to the
chase. Blood draw number three was a bust: I fainted <takes bow> and the
tech only managed to eek out half a tube. She assured me that it would suffice.
And I, even in my delirious state, nodded in agreement, though DEEPLY TERRIFIED of having to repeat
this whole affair again if we were wrong.

The rest of the
day is something of a blur. I stumbled in to work where I proceeded to try to
eat like a ravenous-but-still-nauseated human being, while alternately dazed in
debilitating a kind of head-on-desk-sugar-stupor. It was all very dramatic –
and TOTALLY NOT A BIG DEAL IN THE SCHEME OF THINGS. But I’m never one to
downplay a good bloodletting. Plus, I am again reminded how charming it is to
have the forearms of a heroin addict. Thankfully this particular shade of
purple-blue compliments many of my outfits.

*Fingers crossed
that I don’t actually have
gestational diabetes.* Because that might actually be kind of a bummer.

[1] Totally not licensed to play a doctor.
Not even on the internet. So let me be clear: the gestational diabetes test is
REALLY IMPORTANT. Now I will ceaselessly complain about it.

8 comments:

Honestly, I'm declining this test, because I really DON'T think it's "really important." From all of the research I've done, they aren't even sure they're testing at the right time of pregnancy or in the right way -- and the treatment is things like "cut back on carbs and sugars - exercise more - deliver baby." Um, check? So ya, I did this test with kiddo #1, and I am supremely happy to know that I will be skipping it this time around! (check out my post from earlier this week if you want more links to my research). http://mycheapversionoftherapy.com/2013/09/17/medical-choices-during-pregnancy/

That being said, you already went through the starvation torture (cuz yes, it truly is torture for a pregnant woman!) so I REALLY hope you pass with flying colors!

thanks, josey! You did a bang up job on that post and I couldn't agree with you more on the "prescription" for behavioral changes should you wind up with GD - hopefully we're striving to do those things anyway!

The nice nurses where I got my blood letting done actually had a spare room (and exam bed) next to them and let me lay down to sleep between their vampire stints! It was great and everyone apologized when they came in the room and saw me sleeping.I hope you don't have GD either!

You're hilarious... weird about the fasting, I'm pretty sure I was just told not to eat anything for two hours beforehand. Also, I secretly loved the glucose solution - I'm a sugar freak to begin with, and it was nice and chilled; I probably could have downed another four or five cups before feeling ill. :)

You guys are all so much better advocates for yourselves than I am - I am clearly just a slave to the hypermedicalized world of obstetrics. I should have done my homework and declined this beast of a test!

Meh. There is SO much to research if you really want to go into it, and I definitely went with the flow a lot more with my 1st pregnancy. It's not like you hurt anything by doing the GD test - it just sucks and isn't proven all that necessary, so that's why I declined it this time. Live and learn, right? :) It's hard to even realize that tests are optional (IMO) when medical providers just present them as routine and necessary without really telling you WHY (and honestly, I don't think THEY have done the research or know why since THEY left med school!).