This is me. This is what I see almost daily. I don’t know what’s going on, and why I feel that massive void inside. I honestly don’t know how to truly write this.

I’ve never truly noticed World Mental Health Day until today, when I realized that I am one of so many people who struggle with depression and anxiety. It’s not a phase, it’s not a “season” in my life, it’s a serious illness that I have. It’s scary to write this.

I have a great career, my marriage is getting better, my kids love me, I love being social, being the life of the party, and encouraging or helping others. I entertain people on twitch on a daily basis and yet this darkness just consumes me. Not an evil darkness, but a black hole of thoughts and negative feelings that just bring me to my knees. It happens almost daily, and its been happening for years.

People tell me to see someone about it.

Spoiler alert: I am.

The things I once enjoyed and were passionate about bring pain. Most times it feels like or looks like I am lazy, when in fact I am battling myself inside. If I hold my camera, I’m too frozen to take the shot. If I pick up a pencil to sketch I begin to cry as I make contact with the paper. Writing makes me feel inadequate and dumb. I can’t code without immediately feeling like I’m the worst developer in the world. These are all things I do/used to do often and just enjoy the shit out of, but it’s impossible to complete a task in any more, with the exception of coding because it’s my job.

Often days are filled with work/family life, and me sitting in my chair wanting to move but I just can’t. It’s painful, it’s dreadful, it’s pathetic even.