My cat curled up on my laptop keyboard. She is really jealous because I spend so much time looking at my computer screen and not her. She grabs my wrist with her little “cat’s paws” and bites my arm to get me off the computer.

She’s even more jealous when I talk on the phone instead of talking to her. She wants me to focus my attention on her. And when I don’t I pay the price.

Probably because she is afraid of what I could be writing. What am I writing about? What am I saying? Who am I telling? I could be on the phone right now telling someone. But who am I talking to?

Quick. Check the phone records. Listen in on the phone calls and wiretap the telephone. Don’t forget the cell phone. Then spread the word and then do a little gaslight. And don’t forget to wear your yamaka. Hostile.

Now that I write with my computer and not my pen she will most likely hack my computer. But she’s so clever she will try to make it seem like the FBI is doing it.

What a copy cat.

Her picture appears on my blog several times. I should probably be paying her royalties. She’s in the cat union.

She loves bugs. She will definitely either bug my apartment or hang around it and listen. She might even sit in a car outside my apartment building. In fact I’m certain I saw a cat sitting in a car outside my building. When you don’t pay attention to them they stalk you.

I always ignore stalkers.

Is SpongeBob still around? I’m writing a TV show for my cat and if it turns out I am a good writer there could be trouble. I’ve been working out at the gym.

They jab you with the information they collect from listening in on your phone calls, from your credit card bills, and from following you around.

Believe it, it’s true. They are so “smart” and went to the “best” schools but it’s really just that they learned lots of tricks. Dirty tricks.

And apparently they can get away with anything. They can buy people. They can buy justice.

Doctor doctor.

My previous black cat died when I was being stalked. Stalkers even stalk you when your pet is sick. They even show up at animal hospitals. And other places.

Stuart Smalley and his 12 step comedy is a trip. Jelly donuts at Whole Foods?