June 13, 2011

I planned on my hysterectomy last Tuesday to be a great big deal, inside and out. In the end the host was the one that had any issues. The alters handled it brilliantly. The host wants everyone to understand that this was a major surgery and we should be worrying about it more, but the alters are glad it’s over, happy about the changes the surgery will bring, and ready to move on. The host wanted all of us to be terribly upset about losing our girly parts, but everyone inside felt nothing but relief.

Maybe the host feels that this is probably the last surgery so we need to milk it. I don’t get much support after I have surgery around here, although the family is doing really well this time.

DID isn’t an issue at the moment. Neither are flashbacks. I’m having recurring nightmares, though, of an area I’ve dreamed of for years, and the medicine isn’t helping, so I’m going to stop taking it. One less pill. I also stopped taking Nexium because long-term studies show that over time it can lead to increased anxiety, racing thoughts, and rapid heartbeat, which is what was happening the past several months. Since I stopped taking it I haven’t had a problem with that and I just need to tweak my diet a little.

School ends this week which means cutting back on therapy and rearranging my daily schedule.

My mother continues to send me annoying emails like this from June 11th:
“Good morning Lisa,

How are you doing?
The girls should be finishing school some time this month, right? Didn’t (daughter) say she was playing softball this summer? I bet they are looking forward to a fun summer. Hopefully it will be a little less hectic for you.
Margaret is coming in from Montana today and Theresa is having a family picnic tomorrow. Margaret has been coming home a lot, I think it’s because Iona is getting older and she wants to see her as much as she can. Iona will be 98yrs old this November. Iona refuses to use a cane or walker and she falls a lot but she will not gives in. She is an amazing woman.
I was thinking a lot about you last week when I was weeding the garden. I was over by the English rock garden you made when you were with us. Right now it is full of your grandpa’s lilies. And a couple of days ago we had to trim your heather bush, it is getting fairly big. The yucca plants are growing good, especially the one in the front yard. Who was it that gave you the yucca plants, for some reason I thought it was someone you met at… college. All but 2 of them are flowering now.
Did you plant your vegetable garden yet? The only vegetables we have is an upside down tomato plant on the patio. I hope it works. We have a lot of flowering buds on it right now.
Did you lose any trees from all the storms. Our neighbor next door had 2 tree limbs fall on the house 2 days ago.
The nurse I broke in a little over a year ago quit and now they are looking again. I still only work a couple days a week.
Your dad is doing well with his health.
Well, I have to go, hope all is well with you and hope (hubby) and kids are doing good.
Miss you and love you, Mom”

I do not speak to this woman (it’s been over one year since I’ve spoken with my parents on the phone), and it’s been several years since I’ve had any contact with the people she mentions. She lives in an imaginary world where we have some kind of relationship. It helps me to post her emails and know that they are out there for anyone to see. Oh well.

It’s quiet inside, which spooks me a little. I made it through the surgery, though, and I thought I wouldn’t. When I opened my eyes in the recovery room they had already put my glasses on and tucked the stuffed animal I brought with me (my oldest daughter made it for me) under my arm. That was cool.

I’m okay today so I’m going to test myself and go shopping. First groceries and then to the video game/movie store to pick up the extended versions of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. With my trusty tummy binder and knowing that I still have some Percocet left for pain I will be invincible!

October 9, 2010

There is no reason to feel depressed. Some good things are happening here. It’s getting harder to muster up enthusiasm for anything. I’m not stupid. I know what depression is and how it feels, but I can’t understand what the trigger may be.

Over the past few days I’ve made a “What makes me happy” list and worked through it with no happy result. I have tried talking to my significant other and had no response (he has trouble understanding sometimes and doesn’t know how to help), but I may try again later today.

All of the textbook signs are here, and I’ve tried many of the textbook depression-reliever methods, but they don’t help, which is no surprise.

It has permeated everywhere inside, too. I can’t sense any alters past the depressed ones. Except for the fakey-fakey one, making sure the people around me don’t know I’m feeling depressed.

It could be the surgery, I guess, but that was a week-and-a-half ago, and I’m almost in the “Nothing heavier than 8 pounds” groove. Therapy is next Wednesday, and I see no reason to call her now since I’m in no danger. I’m not suicidal. It’s just sad, sad, sad inside. Everything around me is tainted with sad, sad, sad. It could just be a time to feel sad, too, for no real reason.

It could be that I’m writing this post because no one else knows I’m sad and I need to let someone know how I feel, even if I don’t know why. Okay, it’s out there. I’ve thrown my little pity-party.

October 4, 2010

***religious trigger***

I used to love Jesus. He was my brother and loving friend. Sometimes I dreamed that he was having sex with me, and that bothered me so much that I asked my priest about it in the confessional. The priest told me it was okay and my dreams symbolized Jesus’ ultimate love for me and that it was nothing to be ashamed of. Often at night I could feel Jesus lying next to me in bed and I felt safe. Later, and before therapy, I realized it was actually my father lying next to me, molesting me, and I was using Jesus so I wouldn’t have to deal with what was really happening to me in my bed.

By the time I was 18 I completely lost my Catholic faith, and it’s very difficult for me to read or hear about abuse survivors finding their strength to recover from abuse through their Christian faith. I am very glad that it is helping them, but I get tired of reading about it. I honestly mean no offense whatsoever. I used to believe too, and quite fervently.

At this time I have no faith in anything whatsoever. I feel that I used Jesus, God, whatever to blind me and protect myself from what was actually happening. I used them just as my brain used different personalities to protect me. Using Jesus and God was a conscious decision that I remember. The alter personalities were an unconscious decision, I feel.

I cannot relate to those who have found solace and hope and strength in their faith of choice. I often come across blogs or articles written by survivors and whose stories I can understand until it gets near the end and I read something to the effect of, “And I would not have gotten this far without the help of Jesus (God, deity of choice).”. That means nothing to me. I have NEVER responded negatively to anyone who feels that way. I have NEVER responded negatively to anyone who has written “I will pray for you”, or “I will keep you in my prayers”. I truly appreciate those considerations. That means a lot to me. Anyone who would ever think of me, wish me well, or consider me in a positive way is super-duper in my book. I feel the same for others as well.

I would never try to undermine anyone’s faith. It simply doesn’t make sense to me and is not part of my present makeup. I know that in a large part this is a reaction to my abuse and the fact that my family were strict Irish Catholics. I also attended Catholic school K-12. I did everything I thought I was supposed to and still ended up here. I’m no Job, nor do I want to be.

This rant may also be a reaction to my surgery last week and inability to do many of the things I normally do. Perhaps my mind is wandering around looking for other things to be upset about instead of just looking at my belly all cut up.

***Sexual Trigger***

Part of the surgery involved 4 vaginal incisions. I didn’t know about that part of the surgery until the next day. I was aware that part of the surgery was vaginal, but not that it meant incisions there. This triggered some nasty memories/personalities and I’ve been working overtime to soothe them. When I am completely healed I will never have to worry about my original problem ever, so I’m trying to focus on the positive outcome of it.

***end trigger***

Maybe I’ll create my own deity this week, or look around the house for one. I use spatulas a lot….The Supreme Spatula of Domestic Goodness…The Plunger of Perpetual Light…The Sponge of Sanctity…maybe not….

September 30, 2010

Thank you for the well wishes! That was sweet.

My surgery wasn’t what anyone expected. Sometimes I think that doctors don’t tell you everything because then you would never have the surgery done in the first place. Anyhoo…what happened was extremely triggering and I can’t write about it, but it was necessary and I’ll work through it. I’m trying to focus on healing from this physical present trauma so we can be healthy enough to move on mentally and psychologically.

Yesterday I was resting and playing with my Netflix-streaming PS3 and I found a show called “Obsessed”. Has anyone heard of this or watched it? I watched one episode and I liked it, but I felt the 3-month super-intervention-now-you’re-healed was too good to be true. I was very happy for the people it helped, but I wish they could have said whether or not these people continued with therapy or had a relapse.

Tai recommended a web site: http://www.hystersisters.com and I posted a question concerning the outcome of my surgery. I’d like to post it here as well, and if anyone has information, or can point me in the right direction that would be great. So far my searches have brought up very technical information, and I can’t get to a library for some time. the title of my post is “Surprise uterine suspension” and here is my question:

“Tuesday (Sept. 28, 2010) I had a 2-for-1 surgery. A lap for what we thought was more endo and/or ovarian cysts, and a TVTO for incontinence. I came home with a uterine suspension and I feel a little lost. It wasn’t expected, and I know the surgeon wouldn’t know exactly what was going on until he got in there, but I don’t even know what questions to ask about it.

I can already feel a difference (back pain virtually gone, no more running to the bathroom and no accidents yet), but the 3-6 month recovery really caught me by surprise. I’m a SAHM, 43 years old, and do most of the housework. We are assigning new chores to the kids and rearranging the kitchen quick so I can cook.

I did a search on this site for “uterine suspension” and “prolapsed uterus” but found just a smidgen of info, which was helpful, but several of the recommended links no longer exist and the last post was from 2002.

Has anyone had a similar experience? Are there specific questions I should be asking my doctor? Is there anyone who could tell me about the long-term effects?