This blog is about learning to take a close look at your thoughts, feelings, responses, and reactions to find better and more effective ways to resolve conflicts, lead teams, and clearly communicate to build and maintain both professional and personal relationships...[Read More]

Like so many words we use commonly, trust has many layers of meaning. While most of us have similar general perspectives about what it means to trust another person, there are some subtle differences in how we view this simple word.

The words I often use to describe the two sides of trust are transactional trust and relational trust, and here is how I define the terms:

Transactional trust refers to the trust we have that another person will do what they said they would do or complete and assigned task.

Relational trust refers to the trust we have that another person can listen to and understand our emotional state without passing judgment, criticizing, sharing it with others, or using the knowledge to somehow harm us.

At different times and in different situations, both components of trust can come into play in our interactions and relationships with other people. While most people experience and rely upon both trust components as they make decisions about how to interact with others, there are subtle differences in the priority that people place on the two components as they make decisions.

Leaders who focus heavily on task issues often place a higher priority on transactional trust – do people follow-through on commitments and complete tasks – than they do on relational trust. As a result, they can often find ways to stay engaged and working with a person that they do not “like” because they trust that the person will get things done.

Leaders who see the world through a relational filter often place a higher priority on relational trust – do people act in ways that build and protect relationships – than they do on transactional trust. And, they can often stay engaged and working with a person they like even if the other person has challenges with meeting deadlines and completing tasks.

Likewise, team members with a task focus often place a higher priority on transactional trust between them and their leader than they do on relational trust. And, team members with a relational focus place a higher priority on developing relational trust with their leader.

As a leader, you need to understand both how you and your team members prioritize the two sides of trust so that you can focus your trust building efforts in the area that will create the greatest immediate benefit.

To build trust with task-focused team members, focus on task completion and follow-through issues first and relationship issues second. To build trust with relationship-focused team members, focus on showing support and building a relationship first and task completion second.

Both forms of trust are important, and building high levels of both will contribute to creating a high-performing, high-functioning, results focused team. To get the greatest results in the shortest amount of time, know your team members and focus first in the area of greatest concern to them.

Your Now Step: Think about the people you lead. How do they view trust? How have you been working to build trust with them? Does your approach fit their perspective? If it matches, good job! If not, adjust your approach to better connect with them.

At one time, I thought I taught conflict resolution. Over time, I have come to realize that I don't really teach conflict resolution as much as I teach conflict confidence.

To resolve a conflict, you need the other person's cooperation. Since you cannot demand or force cooperation, you have no control over how the other person will respond to your efforts. As a result, you cannot single-handedly resolve a conflict. You can, however, learn communication, influence, and conflict resolution skills so that you can confidently engage in a conflict conversation with the hopes of leading to a successful outcome.

As I work with clients and help people work through conflicts, I see lack of confidence as a major impediment to successful conflict resolution. In fact, I see it as a major driver leading people to communicate either too passively or too aggressively. Depending on your natural behavior style, lack of confidence might cause you to go either direction. Assertive communication strategies call for you to respond confidently and calmly in tense situations to preserve relationships and to resolve conflicts.

People who lack conflict confidence tend to either retreat or attack when the pressure hits, and those approaches lead to:

Distractions that take the focus off of work that needs to get done

High levels of stress and anxiety

Lost time as people avoid each other or delay conversations

Damaged relationships

Reduced esteem for the other party

Lack of respect for different viewpoints

Distrust of motives and intentions

People with conflict confidence, though, realize that conflict resolution usually lies on the other side of a successful conflict conversation between two people with different viewpoints. They seldom see conflict as a battle between right and wrong. They are able to confidently plan for and engage in the dialogue without attacking the other person or retreating prematurely. As a result, people with conflict confidence….

Get more done

Feel less stress

Save time

Have better relationships

Are more admired

Gain more respect

Build deeper trust

As you continue to learn and grow as a leader, I encourage you to develop true conflict confidence so that you can become a conflict rock star.

Last month, my wife created a miracle. She planned and pulled-off a wedding reception in seven days.

Yes, you read that correctly — seven days from decision to wedding and reception.

Many things happened leading up to the decision, but the simple answer for the question “Why would you do that?” comes down to my daughter's fiance (now husband) receiving orders to Germany following the completion of his training as an Army medic in March. Since she is a sophomore in college who intends to finish school before joining him permanently in Germany, the break between semesters was the best time for them.

The lessons from the family decision-making process reveal some great communication, conflict resolution, and leadership lessons; and those are stories for other posts on other days. For now, I'm focusing on what happened in the seven days starting December 16th and ending on December 22nd.

We chose to keep things fairly simple, and still it was amazing. There was a wedding dress for the bride, a bridesmaid's dress for her sister, and a new dress for my wife. There were flowers for the bride, the bridesmaid, and the groom's best person (his twin sister). There were church sanctuary and fellowship hall decorations. There was a cake. There were heavy hors d'oeuvres chosen to match the first meals as married couples for the new couple, my wife and I, my parents, and my grandparents. There were photographs. There was special music. The beautiful bride (yes, I'm biased) danced with both her husband and her father.

As one friend said, “If you didn't know the story behind this wedding, you would think you had been planning it for months.”

It was amazing. It was beautiful. And despite the many opportunities to have conflicts and arguments caused by the stress and pressure of the short timeline, everyone came through the process with relationships intact.

At one point during the day of the wedding, another friend asked me how we managed to pull it all together so quickly. I replied: “Some people say this wedding came together in seven days, and it really took fourteen years.” The comment that came to me spontaneously in response to my friend's question gets to the learning point of this experience.

You see, we have lived in this rural, Indiana community since 1998. In that time, we have made great friends in churches, businesses, and community organizations throughout the county. We have no immediate family here. We do have great friends.

The wedding reception came together in seven days because of the depth of relationships built up over the course of those fourteen years.

Yes, my wife is great at organizing and delegating. And, her skill would not have mattered without the willing, discretionary effort of the people around her. No amount of ordering and coercing would have gotten the job done. Good will, common focus, and strong relationships did.

The lesson for leaders is this:

To accomplish great things in a short amount of time, invest in relationships before you need something done.

This post would not be complete without saying thank-you to our friends from all over Montgomery County. To us, it doesn't seem like enough to just say thank-you, and we are so overwhelmed with your generosity, we don't know what else to say. Thanks.

Successful conflict resolution depends on the careful application of several communication and relationship building principles and skills. Frankly, it can be complicated and difficult to do.

One critical skill in the complicated mess of conflict resolution is assertive communication. As I speak, write, coach, and train on the application of assertive communication techniques and strategies, I get many questions related to this topic. One of the most common questions relates to the potential risks of choosing to communicate assertively.

The question takes many forms, but it generally comes down to this:

When is it safe to speak assertively with another person?

This is a great question because it acknowledges the potential risk of confronting another person's behaviors. The conflict resolution process is full of various kinds of risks. There are usually relational risks. Sometimes there are financial risks. And occasionally there are physical risks.

I understand the risks. I see the risks. And I have to deal with the risks when I find myself in a real or potential conflict situation. To manage or mitigate these risks, I have developed three questions I ask of myself before I make the choice to communicate assertively.

Is there a way to act assertively that minimizes the risk of retaliation?

The starting point for mitigating the risk begins with taking a close look inwardly to see if there is a way I can adjust my behaviors to make it safe for the other person to receive what I have to say. With this question, I hope to find a way that I can deliver my message in a non-threatening manner.

Do I trust the other person to respond honorably and without retaliation?

If the answer to this question is yes, then I proceed with the assertive communication. If the answer is no, then I ask myself the third question.

Am I willing to accept the consequences if they do not?

This question reveals some additional risks raised by the question: Can Every Conflict Be Resolved? If I am willing to accept the consequences, then I proceed. If I am not willing to accept the consequences, then I look for another path to resolution.

These questions do not address every variable and every situation you might face in working to resolve a conflict. They are pretty good guidelines for making decisions about how to proceed in a conflict situation.