Last week, Esquire Magazine revealed that scientists have "discovered" the face of Jesus. Using forensic anthropology, a group of British scientists and Israeli archeologists determined that Jesus most likely looked how…men from the part of the world he was from tend to look. (Duh!) A stark contrast from the blue eyed Jesus with long blond hair found in many artist's depictions. (And, ironically, the real Jesus looks exactly like the men millions of American Christians are intent on not allowing in this country today.)

He also kinda, sorta, kinda — if you squint your eyes (and you have lemon juice in your eyes) — looks like Drake. A swarthy Drake who worked as a carpenter instead of a child actor on a melodramatic Canadian teen series, but Drake nonetheless. Which comes as no surprise. Because, for Drake's hundreds of thousands of Black female fans, his appeal derives from the fact that he reminds them of Jesus.

Advertisement

Well actually, this isn't a fact, perse. More like a single-person (Me!) held theory; albeit one I've had for some time. For almost a decade now, part-time American cultural anthropologists like me have been attempting to determine the source of Drake's appeal. And while my colleagues have repeatedly come up blank, I believe that the Drake affinity mirrors the affinity this demographic generally has for the Son of God. Because Drake does, says, and is many things Jesus would have done, would have said, and is.

Oh, you need examples? Great, because I have many. But because I can feel everyone's heads spinning right now, I'll only list five.

1. Drake lyrics are basically things Jesus would say if Jesus was an emo rapper

From Drake's "Shot for Me"

The way you walk, that's meThe way you talk, that's meThe way you've got your hair up, did you forget that's me?And the voice in your speaker right now, that's meAnd the voice in your ear, that's me

Advertisement

In this song, Drake asserts an omnipresent presence in this unnamed woman's life. Which is what Drake does in 80 percent of his music geared towards women.

These are also things God says in the Bible. It's practically the only thing God says in the Bible. Which, all things considered, is basically a 70 track Drake album.

The way you look, that's me. The way you walk, that's me. All the animals and seas, that's me. Can't you see?

Advertisement

Even Drake's current hit ("Hotline Bling") has some Jesus-ey stuff in it.

You used to call me on my cell phoneLate night when you need my loveCall me on my cell phoneLate night when you need my love

This is no different that Jesus saying "Hey, you needed me when you were sick and depressed. But now you're all happy, and you don't pray anymore. Ooh wee, wassup with that? Wassup with that?"

Advertisement

2. They're both Jewish

Not a coincidence.

3. They both had vaguely absent but extremely influential dads

Drake, famously, is a child of divorce. Drake's dad, Dennis Graham, also spent some time in prison during Drake's childhood. And, while prison and Heaven aren't really all that similar (I hope), in both cases, direct contact with the father figure was limited, but the dad was, like, always there in spirit.

Advertisement

Always.

4. They both had relationships with women their friends and fans didn't really approve of

Just how some of Jesus's boys and followers didn't really approve of his relationships with prostitutes and other women of ill repute, many of Drake's fans don't seem to approve of his affinity for women who work at strip clubs. Which proves two things: Jesus and Drake have equally petty and hypocritical followers. And "Maliah Michel" is Swahili for "Mary Magdalene."

Advertisement

5. They've both worked miracles in order to transform into who they currently are

When we last saw Aubrey Graham before he was Drake, he was in a wheelchair, his name was Jimmy, and he was getting dumped by his girlfriend because of his erectile disfunction. (Which…is a surprisingly adult — and sad! — subject for a teen television series.) But now Drake is a virtual Crossfit model who seems to be training for the next season of American Ninja Warrior.

This obviously mirrors the life of Jesus. Who was nailed to a cross on a Friday, and then up doing yoga and playing flag football by the next Monday.