On this most pious and devout of days, can it really be right to peddle half-truths, white lies and flat-out blatant misinformation? O lordy, we're not comfortable with this, forgive us for what we're about to do. On the other hand, you're all in bed sleeping off hangovers, so if a tree falls in a forest, and all that ... yes, let's treat this as a philosophical rather than religious conundrum. So, now we've adroitly bodyswerved all these meddling belief systems, eyes down for some moral turpitude!

Udinese defender Cristian Zapata, who given the predilection of footballers for practical jokes must live in constant fear of the dirty sanchez, is a £15m target for Manchester City. But then who isn't these days?

Arsenal and Tottenham are locked in a £5m battle to sign Diego Milito. The fresh lemon zest of that tasty new Internazionale rumour is offset by news of Manchester United's interminable £25m approach for Wesley Sneijder. Can we just get this one over and done with? In fact, that's it, the Rumour Mill isn't mentioning that one again. Unless it's a slow day.

Where have you gone, Christian Maggio, Napoli fans may soon be singing, as the midfielder departs for Tottenham. Another cutting-edge pop reference there, Dad, this time to a hit single from 1968.

Tottenham want Ipswich wonderkid Connor Wickham, and are prepared to foist their own prospects Steven Caulker, Jake Livermore and Andros Townsend (yes, it would appear so) on Town manager Paul Jewell to seal the deal.

Another Tottenham prospect, Boutros Boutros Lawrenson, is rumoured to be on his way to ... no, this is a complete fiction.

Fulham are hoping to land young Aaron Ramsey on a season-long loan from Arsenal in the summer. Ramsey will presumably be happy to get away from the cloying atmosphere at the Emirates, it can't be easy watching the adults suffering these thundering nervous breakdowns all the time. In fact, the services should probably intervene now.

And that, my good and righteous children, is that. Amen, alleluia, and so forth.