Walking Dead Death Rankings (S7 Ep1 Preview)

Smell that? It’s October, we all know what that means, pumpkin spice lattes, leaves and the tortuous hell that is The Walking Dead season. And not tortuous like, ‘oh this is really solid and scary stuff they are producing’ like American Horror Story, no, tortuous like Jesse texting me every week to ask why I insist we keep watching this show.

This is the one column that Jesse and I have been (mostly) consistent with for the last 3 (!!!) seasons of The Walking Dead. Season 4 was won by, myself, Kevin. Season 5 was won by Jesse.

Finally season 6. Well going into the last two episodes I was up on Jesse 65 to 61 thanks to Denise’s demise (who?). We were excited for a lot of blood to be shed (damn we are terrible people) so we were disappointed when the show left us on a cliffhanger of an important character’s death for 7 months. We write a blog exclusively about these character’s deaths. Talk about blue balls. Alas without the true reveal of who is going to succumb to Negan’s bat we have to go ahead and call a wrap on last season’s rankings which means, I win the season. Sorry Jesse.

Moving onto the next season and this first episode is a really big moment for our rankings. We have been teased with a major character’s death for months now and we are dying to get to it. This first episode could really set one of us up to win the whole season. So let’s get to it.

(Remember, every week Jesse and I will provide rankings based on who we think will die next. The further down the list, the more likely they are to die. They get points based on where the character is on our list. For instance, if Rick dies this week then I will have four points and Jesse will have two points.)

Judith- Location: Alexandria.“My first priority is Judith”, that’s what Father Gabriel said to Rick before Rick and company left Alexandria. Yes, Rick Grimes left Father Gabriel in charge of defending Alexandria AND HIS BABY DAUGHTER. Because of this I desperately wanted to drop Judith to the bottom of the rankings. But I resisted the temptation because Judith represents hope for the world of The Walking Dead.

Morgan- Location: With Carol. I bet Morgan is shaking his head and thinking to himself, damn what a terrible day I’ve had, I can’t wait to tell Rick about this. Only Rick is a classic one-upper and his story will definitely put Morgan’s to shame.

Enid- Location: Locked in a closet in Alexandria. Damn this poor girl. She wanted to join Carl and help get Maggie to a doctor only for Carl to trick her. Now she is locked in a closet. The worst part? Carl threw her own words back at her as he walked away. Just survive somehow? Thanks dick.

Jesus- Location: ??? Is Jesus real? No, not Jesus Jesus. I mean The Walking Dead Jesus. Does he even exist? I honestly can’t remember where he is right now.

Tara- Location: ??? Did Tara die and no one bothered to show it? Because I would be okay with that honestly. I seriously have no idea where she is right now but she’s not staring down a bat so she’s safe. For now.

Father Gabriel- Location: Alexandria. I don’t understand. Rick wouldn’t even look at Father Gabriel for the last two seasons. Now he’s leaving him in charge of Alexandria and HIS BABY?! How does that happen? I get you are desperate for a baby sitter but that’s really the best you can do?

Gregory- Location: Alexandria. I’m only still including this guy because he said something in the last episode. I don’t remember what it was. And it was probably dumb. But he’s helping Gabe protect Alexandria so I guess we are stuck with him for a bit longer.

Carol- Location: With Morgan, hurt but protected by new people. Carol just wants to get away. She doesn’t want to live and she certainly doesn’t want to live with Morgan around. But now she is stuck with Morgan (after he killed someone protecting her) and some mysterious guys in paintball gear and a horse. Sorry girl, this show doesn’t want to quit you.

Carl- Location: With Negan and Lucille. Okay here is where the real fun starts. If you remember back 7 months ago the world was a different place. Cleveland wasn’t a city of champions, Donald Trump was still a fun joke, and Tim Tebow hadn’t touched a baseball bat in 10 years. My how things have changed. Now here we are, finally about to learn who Negan and his bat Lucille beat to death. Remember how mad we were when season six ended on a cliff hanger? Well do yourself a favor before tonight’s episode and rewatch the season finale of six. It’s one of the best episodes of the series and is even better when you are hours away from getting the reveal. Trust me on this. Anyway I originally thought Carl was the one to meet his demise. But on a rewatch Negan specifically mentions to, “tear the kid’s other eye out” if anyone moves. So I think he is safe.

Maggie- Location: With Negan and Lucille. Maggie is sick and Maggie is pregnant. I don’t think this show is going to beat a sick pregnant woman to death.Call me crazy.

Rosita- Location: With Negan and Lucille. Rosita is not a compelling enough character to die in this moment. You know the saying, sometimes being forgettable is the best defense to not getting beat to death with a baseball bat. They totally say that.

Michonne- Location: With Negan and Lucille. Listen my theory on who dies comes down to a few things. For one, they want to shock the audience with a major character. Michonne could count in that category. But I just don’t see it with Michonne. I feel like we would’ve had a better hint in the finale. But she didn’t have a single line. I think she’s safe.

Sasha- Location: With Negan and Lucille. Sasha has a compelling story in season six with her new romance with Abe. Again though I don’t think this is her time to go yet. Plus we aren’t too connected with her.

Negan- Location: Beating someone to a pulp with Lucille. Can we take a moment and just appreciate what a swell guy Negan is being? Do we realize how many of his people died at the hands of Rick’s group? Plus I’m sure Negan has been watching them for a long time and is aware of their capabilities. Sacrificing one of their own to pay for the murders of dozens of his? That’s actually a great deal. I know he’s going to be a psychopath, and don’t get me wrong beating someone to death is psychopathic, but as of right now I think he is showing a lot of mercy.

Rick- Location: With Negan and Lucille. Killing Rick would be insane. I would be shocked. I only have him so low as a hedge bet. Meaning, I don’t think there’s a shot in hell this is how he dies but at the same time I know the writers are trying to shock the audience right?

Daryl- Location: With Negan and Lucille. Remember how the episode prior to the finale ended? With Daryl getting hit over the head while blood splattered on the screen? He ended up being okay, relatively, but he is in a tough spot here. I bet Negan knows how dangerous Daryl is. Plus the blood splattering on the camera could have been a foreshadow.

Eugene- Location: With Negan and Lucille. I’m not sure what the reaction would be to Eugene dying. As far as the story goes, it makes sense. Eugene offered himself as sacrifice at the end of the episode when he decided to drive the winnebago by himself while the rest of the group escaped. He gave Rick the recipe for making bullets which insures that his legacy will live on. And he even got closure by finally earning Abe’s respect in their final moments together. The only reason I see against it is, I don’t think the audience would be pleased. No one wants to wait 7 months to see Eugene get his head knocked in.

Aaron- Location: With Negan and Lucille. Aaron is in a similar boat as Eugene in my head. His story has come close to an end. It’s been foreshadowed that he is going to sacrifice himself for Maggie/Glenn. And in my belief they will name their child after him. That’s my theory anyway. In the finale there was a lot of foreshadowing his future sacrifice. Again though, is he a big enough character to warrant all of this? I don’t think so.

Abraham- Location: With Negan and Lucille. I had Abe completely safe when I first wrote up these rankings. But after my rewatch I realized that Negan hovered over Abe for a moment. He sized him up while Abe stood tall. I thought Negan would want to keep him around for his strength but now I think Negan would be scared off. Plus Negan explicitly stated the person was “taking it like a champ” during the beating. If anyone was going to take it like a champ I would put my money on Abe. Plus he is a somewhat big character and I think it would affect the group pretty bad.

Glenn- Location: With Negan and Lucille. Last season I had Glenn near the bottom of my rankings because of a lot of foreshadowing. He died at some point but then didn’t die. He nearly died again and then didn’t. My point is he had a lot of near death experiences and I think the writers wanted the audience to know he was in trouble. Plus he jumped out of line when Negan was threatening Maggie and Negan did not like that one bit. My only argument against Glenn being the one is that he’s the general consensus among the fans to die. Everyone is convinced which tells me the writers might want to go another way to shock everyone. Just in case though, he’s at the bottom.

Jesse’s Rankings

Judith- Location: Alexandria. Question – If Judith says her first words and no one except Gabe is around to hear them, will they even show it?

Rick- Location: With Negan and Lucille. Pretty sure I already saw Rick in a preview for season 7. Thanks for spoiling that, AMC.

Daryl- Location: With Negan and Lucille. Apparently Daryl is in bad shape. I’m not going to move him up though. I don’t care about blood on the camera.

John Connor Carl- Location: With Negan and Lucille. Pretty sure Negan threatened to eat Carl’s eye in the last episode. Which is just disgusting. It would be all squishy and bloody and… well Daryl ate a raw squirrel back in season 2. That couldn’t have been much better.

Tara- Location: At fat camp? Okay that was mean. I apologize. Still, that was the most interesting thing to me about Tara last season. Me trying to figure out how much weight she put on. It would be funny if she dropped that weight in between seasons.

Morgan- Location: With Carol. I honestly don’t remember what Morgan and Carol were doing. (Checks Kevin’s rankings). Oh yeah, apparently there was a guy in paintball gear. I should probably watch the finale again.

Maggie-Location: With Negan and Lucille. I’ve been told that Negan doesn’t kill women or children. I have no idea how true it is, since the person who told me was a girl on a dating website. Yup, I use the Walking Dead as an icebreaker with women. Anyone surprised that I’m still single?

Enid- Location: Locked in a closet. We still doing the teen romance thing between John Connor and Enid? Or did he blow his chances by locking her in a closet? Just keep pretending your not interested, Carl, she’ll come around eventually.

Gregory- Location: With Gabe in Alexandria. Alright, who the hell is Gregory? Is he an actual character or did Kevin just make him up to drive me crazy?

Negan- Location: Introducing someone to Lucille. I’m going to have a hard time not liking Negan. Jeffrey Dean Morgan is a badass and I just like the idea of the Comedian leading a group of followers in the Zombie Apocalypse. That sounds way more interesting than things that usually occur in this show.

Father Gabriel- Location: Alexandria. I’ve been rewatching The Wire recently and it’s funny to see all the actors from that show who are also on Dead. Gabe was in that show. So were Tyreese and Bob (if you remember who Bob is). If you can play a cop or a drug dealer, you have a good chance of winding up on Dead.

Michonne- Location: With Negan and Lucille. Becoming Rick’s love interest is usually bad news for that character. So while that puts Michonne in danger, I’m sticking with the Negan doesn’t kill women theory until proven otherwise.

Jesus- Location: ???. So is Jesus going to ride in for the save just after it shows who Negan killed, or is he going to wait a few episodes until the group is sorry enough for being mean to him? I have no idea if they were actually mean to him, but it’s something that they would do.

Rosita- Location: With Negan and Lucille. Woman. Safe. Moving on.

Aaron- Location: With Negan and Lucille. Aaron is more or less responsible for everything bad that’s happened in Alexandria. You don’t recruit Rick’s group, then things probably would’ve been just fine. Nice going, Aaron.

Eugene- Location: With Negan and Lucille. Yeah, sure, they made us wait six months to find out that it was Eugene who got killed. Nice try, AMC.

Sasha- Location: With Negan and Lucille. Guys, I don’t really know how to make this more clear to you. She’s gonna be fine. Being a woman and all.

Glenn- Location: With Negan and Lucille. Kevin and I have the same top two but in a different order. It wouldn’t surprise me if Glenn is the one who got whacked, but truthfully I don’t buy that they would go with him after spending so much time on his potential death last year. It’s just redundant.

Abraham- Location: With Negan and Lucille. If you were sizing up Rick’s group and wanted to send a message, who would you take out first? That’s right, the burly looking guy and biggest brute of them all. I will miss you, Sheamus. There will never be anyone else who will provide me with as many wrestling jokes as you did.