Radio 1 to downgrade DJs from ‘perverts to crooks’

In what is being seen as another cost-cutting measure by the BBC, their flagship radio station has been forced to curtail expensive ‘extra-curricular activities’ by their presenters and offer more ‘revenue neutral’ illegalities. Staff development with the corporation will now focus on what DJ’s can ‘bring in’ in terms of ‘ill-gotten gains’; these will include fraudulently suggesting Robin Thicke actual music, rigging the Top 40 for the benefit of Far Eastern betting syndicates and melting Fearne Cotton down into gold bullion.

Former Radio 1 employee Chris Moyles was the first to the pioneer the penny-pinching rather than the buttock-pinching approach. A friend explained: ‘Moyles could easily of maintained his millionaire’s lifestyle without resorting to tax avoidance but he wanted to show a younger generation of DJs that they can get down and dirty with dosh rather than resort to costly sexual improprieties. Graspy not gropey, that’s his motto. ’

Radio Controller, Ben Cooper, has been tasked with moving towards a culture of embezzlement. As one BBC Executive lamented: ‘Gone are the days when the licence payer was able to subsidize the world’s top molesters’. Even Breakfast Show presenter, Nick Grimshaw, has been instructed to ‘lay off the groupies’ and put his energies into ‘insider trading in the liquidities market’. A Radio 1 spokesman confirmed: ‘We promise to be more lavish less lascivious. Our target demographic of 15–29 expects to get financially shafted, not literally’.