Subscribe to Candy's Newsletter

Wednesday WTF: No Lie, We Are Dirty, Dirty People

Today’s dirty Wednesday WTF prompted my mind to roll back to a time when — true story — I broke up with a guy because he didn’t own sheets.

No seriously, he didn’t own sheets. He didn’t know you needed them. I had so many questions that I kind of peppered him with several before I ran out the door. What I learned is this: He didn’t own sheets because “mattresses were soft already;” no, his mom never disabused him of this notion because she never went in his room after he turned 10; he also didn’t actually wash his dishes, he just rinsed them out.

For instance, the carpet. Did you know the average carpet can hold about 200,000 bacteria per square inch, and that if you wear shoes, you’re probably tracking in E.coli?

Or that your kitchen sink (which Mattress Boy would probably insist is self-cleaning because it has water in it) is super germy, and that the sponge you use to wipe down counters could be harboring bacteria to a count of seven times the Earth’s population — in one cubic centimeter?

And can we talk doorknobs? Apparently, people are bad at handwashing, and the dirty cooties people transfer to doorknobs because of can travel to as many as 60 percent of the people in an office in under four hours?

I know a guy that is the barfly version of a doorknob cootie, btw.

Also probably gross bacteria factories are the shower curtain, the TV remote, and the coffee pot. “The water reservoir and piping system are prime spots for bacteria to grow since they’re often damp and dark,” the article says.

Damp is one of those shudder words, right?

But perhaps the one that required a minute for me was the towels. I’m just going to quote directly because my brain shortcircuited.

“Bacteria thrive in wet, moist areas—and for that reason, they especially love the towels in your bathroom,” the piece says. “According to research from the University of Arizona, nearly 90% of the towels that you use to dry your hands or body after a shower could be contaminated with coliform bacteria, which is found in, yes, fecal matter (italics and bold mine because LORD JESUS).”