God Damned Urinating Teenagers Make Me Livid

The problem with young people today is that they spend too much time in the bathroom.

When I was a boy you got 15 minutes of toilet time a week and you were expected to ration it, value it and use it wisely.

But these young people today live in the god damned washroom. They have phones and televisions in there. They take their meals in there for Christ’s sake.

They spend forever in the bathroom. Showering for hours on end and then rubbing themselves with all manner of gels, ointments and questionable lotions. If I had ever spent more than 4 minutes in the shower my old mom would have hauled me out naked wrung me dry with her bare hands.

They say it’s about hygiene but that’s just hogwash. It’s vanity and lack of common sense. In my day young people smelled like bologna sandwiches, pipe tobacco and hard work.

And what the Hell is with them peeing randomly throughout the day? Nothing but lazy bladders and poor self control if you ask me. I urinated when I was told to and was thankful I had a pot to piss in. I peed at 7:45 each morning and was done with it. If I needed to go again later I crossed my legs, gritted my teeth and rode it out ‘til morning.

I’ll tell you one thing. I can guarantee you that the Chinese aren’t going to the washroom every time they feel a tingle. They’re working damn it. Working at taking over the global economy while we pop our pimples and urinate indiscriminately. And that’s a god damned shame.

They spend too much time in the bathroom. That’s what’s wrong with young people today.

You remind me so much about my grandpa who was a hilarious man. He passed away a few years ago, and I sure miss his shits and giggles he used to give us. Thank you for speaking up on situations, where I could see him doing. Makes me smile and laugh :). Thank you Donald.

Why in my day, there was none of this tom-foolery of pissing and shitting in the house. I mean how gawd damn unhygienic is that ?

No, the proper place for the ‘cludgie’ is outside, as far away from the house as possible.

Mark my words, Don, if these youngsters had to trudge to the bottom of the garden at 3am in the morning – in the cold and the wet – when they awoke feeling the need of a pee after a night out on the piss, they’d soon learn to ‘tie a knot in it’ !!!

As you know I’ve suspected my personal support worker, Hattie, of stealing my rye. I’ve also noticed that I seem to be going through Corn Flakes at a fair clip and that a good pair of my socks have gone missing.

I just wanted to let you know that I caught Hattie red handed (and red faced) this morning. I “accidentally” left a bottle of rye on the dining room table when Hattie came over today and then excused myself to go take a little rest.

After ducking out of the room and making a show out of climbing the stairs, I waited 10 minutes and then snuck back down to find Hattie sitting at my table pouring herself a bowl of Cornflakes and using the rye in place of milk.

A damned disturbing sight I don’t mind telling you.

Anyway, I confronted Hattie and gave her what for.

That’s when the waterworks started. She apologized up and down and promised that it would never happen again. Said she’d replace my rye and Cornflakes but swears on a stack that she knows nothing about my socks.

Call me an old softy if you like but Hattie’s had some tough times and she’s decent with the hoover so I let her off with a stern warning.

Just glad the damned mystery is solved and that I’m not losing my mind. Now if I could only find those socks.

Dam decent of you. Not many people would have the empithy and quick mind to assess the situation quickly and realize her skill with household chores and all would make it difficult to find a replacement at the, I’m sure, meager sum you pay her. I believe that if you added up the value of the missing rye and corn flakes and added it to her wages your getting away cheap. You really can’t include the value of the missing socks because she denied that issue and I lose socks all the time, so maybe your using her as a scapegoat for what must be something your doing to lose them. IMHO

Too right, Don. I say that swathing yourself in lotions and gels can’t be all that hygienic anyways. I’ve seen boys with honeybees stuck to their fruit scented hair. And some of those hair spikes are so hard that someone could lose an eye!

Hey look if i need to urinate i will because else i’ll wet myself. I’m not in the 1950’s. Look Donald i can urinate when i want to i can wash myself because else i’ll smell you might not care but i do. 15 minutes is nothing. Hey Donald please come into the 21st centry instead on the 18th.

If I’m not mistaken, Dr. Kellogg’s Corn Flakes are a remedy for excessive urination. The recipe may have changed over the years to remove some ingredients such as whey, wheat germ, wood grain alchohol, various opiates, sawdust, assorted meat byproducts, metal shavings, fortified bran extract, fem-phen, thalidomide and Fowler’s solution, but it still remains a power part of this complete breakfast.

Just for the record Mr,Miller, I suspect it does exist, because I often get rather dizzy, can not breath and come close to fainting some days, merely froms tanding up. Though you are correct in think it’s over used.

Gotta love the guy above me…
I’m surprised you could hold it in that long without getting pissed (pun intended), at my job mowing lawns I’ve been known to use bushes and houses on occasion; really saves water. When I need to piss, I use it to water the goddamn lawn!

Oh Don, if only you’de learn that back in your day, people were stupid and weren’t able to invent things like the cell phone and flat screen HD TVs. and back then all you had to do was jerk off and play jacks. ^^

I wish young people would just grow up, and it’s been my experience that they are full of shit rather than pee, but it would be unjust not to mention all us CHF sufferers. We must take diuretics to keep from dying, and so must pee upwards of 15 times a day.
My problem is locating a place to go in time.

You’re right about those damn punks today, Don. Must be weak bladders from smokin’ all that damn pot. I had an uncle, God love his soul, lived till his late nineties. Every morning he would pee around 4 a.m., problem was, he didn’t get out of bed till 6 a.m..

And don’t forget about how they waste toilet paper. Wadding a giant ball of it like a catcher’s mitt and plugging up the toilet. Mom told me that when her family got their first indoor toilet, they were only allowed one square of toilet paper for number one, and two squares for number two. They used the rumpled magazine paper first and saved the softer toilet paper for the final swipe.
I have a few outhouse stories at 1950 Suburban Adventures that might strike a chord with you.

As one such “goddamned urinating teenager,” I am perplexed not only by the frequency of urination, but also by our constant need to announce it. I can’t even count how many times per day my friends and I say, “hold up, I need to pee.” And I couldn’t tell you why either.

Good grief Don! Don’t you know that bathrooms are what make life worth living? A very long pee before having crazy sex then a quick political discussion over a joint. You then dress like a moron before heading out to dance like an idiot. You really need to get out of your armchair Don! It’s never to late!

I’m a 14-year old girl with no cell phone, no piercings, a simple haircut, ordinary wardrobe and a PASSION for reading books. I wake up at around 5 a.m. every day, and go to bed at 10 p.m. on the dot.
I recently discovered your blog while trawling through vast gigabytes of senseless drivel, and it has been an eye-opener of sorts. While I certainly don’t agree with everything you say, your vigorous writing coupled with the humor has never yet failed to make my day.

Holding in your pee is not good for you. Its been scientifically proven. There are no negative side effects of peeing whenever you need to. Its also healthier and more pleasant for everyone if people shower until they’re clean.