Tuesday, April 18, 2006

At least, Fay Wray Started Out With A Dress On

The Bush family went to chapel at Camp David on Easter Sunday. Never mind that George W. is too afraid of Cindy Sheehan to spend Easter at his Texas pig farm ranch. Never mind that George W. can't even find the correct page in the hymnal.

Look at daughter Barbara. At least Fay Wray started out with a dress...

If you get the chance, there's a funny McClellan article in the new Vanity Fair. I read it yesterday (he was called a "knucklehead Socrates" and can't help but wonder if he read it, too, and then quit.

The Koufaxes (or "the Sandies") are like the SAG or Golden Globe awards, while the Webbies are comparable to the Oscars. Getting a Koufax denotes being a class act while getting a Webbie, while certainly an honor, takes a little more politickin' than most of the celler-dwelling idealists who blogviate are up for.From The Official Koufax Award site...

The Koufax Awards are intended to help forge a sense of community among bloggers and their readership. We hope to make introductions of bloggers to each other and to readers. We also hope to create a sense that we all live in the same virtual neighborhood and that it is a very nice neighborhood indeed.

A Scrivener's Lament is officially your go-to scrivener for the next big electoral college showdown. In this case Scrivener Delilah Boyd is keeping an eye on the Electoral College of Cardinals, who Scriv thinks may at any moment be called upon to fly off to Rome (that's as in fly by airplane; only nuns can fly for real) and pick a new pope.
But his Holiness is doing better, you must be thinking. Well, the Scriv ain't so sure and even has actual photographs (you'll have to scroll down a bit) of the Holy Father getting viciously attacked by (assumes Scriv) the Lord's messengers of vengeance - apparently to the delight of little children.
Anyhoo, the Lament has been keeping files on top candidates for the next Bishop of Rome so that when the sad day comes, you'll know where to turn for all the horserace action. I mention this only because A Scrivener's Lament has been nominated for a Sandy Award in the Most Humorous Blog category.
At A Scrivener's Lament, Delilah Boyd offers a little sigh over the sudden announcement that the Bushies aren't gonna look for WMDs in Iraq anymore. Then the Scrivener offers a useful list of quotes from the administration hornswaggling the country - oops, I mean being sadly misled by the entire intelligence community - about the possibility of weapons stockpiles in Iraq. Maybe Delilah needs to offer to do some volunteer archiving for large media networks. Apparently NBC, CBS, & ABC's news operations are too cash strapped to afford to hire researchers to dig up obscure, unknown quotes likes these for when the yellowcake hits the fan (or in this case fails to).

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free
to sing along. And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows
up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This
gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a
special announcement at the Party.

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The
same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There
will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have
other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I
supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since
the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management
believes $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil
doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each
other, but Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men: each will have their
own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's
table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
allowed unless the Supreme Court intervenes before the 23rd.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the
food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, but the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss
anything?!?!?!?!?!

Vegetarian pricks! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
so quaintly put it; you'll get your f****** salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the
scream right NOW!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drink, drive and die, Jesus-hating Scum!

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy
recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and,
instead, give everyone the afternoon of December 23rd off with full pay.

Scrivener Humor

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves...
...underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was celebrate."