Internet of Things gets its own pornography.

It’s a harmless image, you might think. A tall, well appointed Zanussi Fridge, brand new, it’s door left wide open, it's light on and inside nothing to preserve its modesty than a strategically placed Gouda. Its salad drawers appear to have been coyly removed, and arranged daintily in front of it. Welcome to the world of Internet of Things Porn.

‘It’s a thing we’ve been predicting for a long time’ said Internet of Things expert Ronnie Smith. ‘The Zanussi image is really at the soft end of the Thing thing. We knew worse was to come. If you connect literally hundreds of millions of things to the internet, they’re going to do a lot more than just call repair men when they break down, or order eggs when they run out. If the Internet of People has taught the Internet of Things anything, it’s that porn is the main driver.’

Driver Ted Smythe, for example noticed his new internet enabled Volvo was using its traffic detection system to take explicit close up images of other vehicles’ exhaust pipes, then putting them online. ‘It seemed to be particularly attracted to the exhausts of older vehicles, where the pipes often protrude from under the bumper,’ said Smythe. ‘When I set the car’s sat nav to take me to the dealer for rectification, it re-set the destination to the address of a stock car track.’

A Siemens tumble drier in Acton was charged with possessing videos of a John Lewis food mixer. The mixer turned casually on its side, then its cable deliberately and dangerously wound round its blade arm , despite the warning in the manual. The money shot was an explicitly blown fuse. It’s a sequence many toasters have described as ‘arousingly masochistic’. Some internet enabled kettles have been accessing ‘Thing Porn’, then turning themselves on and off till they run completely dry, rendering their guarantees null.

Experts say it’s up to manufacturers to install filters, and Bosch is experimenting with a multi purpose filtration unit that can detect pornographic images of white goods as well as reducing the harmful effects of fluff and even hard water staining. But groups of file sharing washer-driers have already circulated explicit close up images of the filter unit, claiming it’s ‘powerfully erotic’.