Jon de Vos: Eating the dog’s souffle

Our dogs are very picky eaters, refusing to eat anything that was never near or once related to any kind of organic life form. Well, that’s not right, the basset hound, Freeta Goodhome, has eaten five USB thumb drives made entirely of plastic and metal. Had they been hot-dog flavored thumb drives, I would only blame myself but no, these were Radio Shack-flavored.

I don’t know why she would eat them. The first two were my fault, sort of. I’d left them hanging out of the computer, right at jowl-level. Bassets are that way, I should have known better. But the last three required the idiot cur to clamber her way to the top of my desk and search them out like a truffle pig. Once she has uprooted her prey, she thoughtfully chews on them for a while and spits out the seeds.

Our other dog, Cuervo (he’s a licker), is a purebred Yellow Yapper. He’s a lot more discriminating than the basset. In fact, his stomach is more discriminating than his mouth, often checking out what he ate, squarely in the middle of the living room carpet.

“Freeta,” I asked, “why do you do it? Why do you eat thumb drives?”

“If you fed us better,” she said, rolling over in hopes of a belly rub, “I wouldn’t have to taste everything to see if it’s any good.”

“Judging from the size of that midriff, you don’t seem to be suffering,” I said.

“A true gentleman never remarks on the size of a lady’s gut,” she said with an arrogant sniff, “but enough chit-chat, Cuervo and I insist on Cesar Dog Cuisine. The Original Cesar comes in nine flavors including Top Sirloin, Porterhouse, Filet Mignon, Prime Rib and Tenderloin.”

“No Rabbit?”

“Go ahead and laugh,” she said, “but what would you be saying if you’d eaten exactly the same thing meal after meal for the last six years? So, before I was interrupted, the Bistro Collection has five continental dishes including Tuscan Stew, Steak Florentine, and Steak Tips Sonoma.”

“This is a joke, right? Tuscan Stew? Florentine?”

“Dogs are evolving, too,” she said, “Twenty years ago it was only movie star dogs that talked. As I was saying, there are three selections in the Filets in Sauce category, my favorite is the New York Strip.”

“What next?” I moaned.

Without missing a beat, she replied, “Six types of Cesar Cookie Crunchies, including Rotisserie Chicken and the Softies Medley. Of course, we’d like to vary things up a bit with Cesar Sunrise Breakfast in four exciting flavors like the Chicken Cheddar Souffle or Smoked Bacon and Eggs.”

Avid readers know that I’m often dismayed at the astounding number of choices we have to make in simple things like toothpaste, laundry soap, deodorant and the like. In everyday matters, why are we forced to choose between whiteners and brighteners? Should our armpits smell like Summerberries or like pirates or like the Matterhorn? It’s overwhelming enough to turn you into a gibbering ape grabbing bright and pretty products off the shelf.