Let’s Discuss…about Doing Things Differently

FOREWORD: I would like to apologize for the two-day hiatus recently experienced here on KD by the admin. This was a consequence of an extenuating circumstance, one which has been resolved, and hopefully will not persist.

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I was recently chatting with a friend, and he let on to me that he believes he’s gay because he grew up with males. There was a custody battle over him when he was a kid in the States, and the judge ultimately let the decision of who he wanted to live with rest with him. Predictably, he chose his mother. Mother soon went on to marry a widower with three sons of his own. The youngest was a year older than my friend, and was his first sexual encounter some years later. These days, he’s still struggling with his sexual identity, and clings to the belief that his homosexuality is a choice he can put away when he’s good and ready. Whenever such a time is.

At the end of his narration, I asked him, “If you could go back to the time when the judge asked you who you’d like to live with, would you change your decision?”

Bisi Alimi is the first Nigerian to come out publicly, on National Television. The bravest decision ever made by any Nigerian gay person I’ve known. He has been vocal since then about the abuse he suffered following his coming out, criminal acts that led to his relocation abroad. He currently lives the life of a gay Nigerian who is free to express his sexuality and love whomever his heart desires, no hiding, no secrets.

But one can’t help but wonder, if he’s given the chance to redo something about his past, if he would. I asked Bisi if he had any regrets about his coming out, and the following is his response:

There are countless things we do which we ponder on minutes, hours, months, years after the fact. Decisions taken that seemed right at the time, but which unleashed consequences that don’t seem right. Actions with an aftermath that make you wonder where the silver lining is.

The one where you come out to your family to a subsequent backlash.

The one where you reveal your positive HIV status to a lover, to suffer the death of the relationship.

The one where you react vocally and furiously against antigay crimes, to become shadowed by whispers about your sexuality.

The one where you get married and find yourself struggling to make your spouse happy.

All it takes is a moment to make a decision, willfully or not, to do something that ultimately alters the course of your life.

Whether the proceeds of that decision or singular act are rewarding or punishing, if you had the chance to return to the past and do it over, would you?

So, let’s discuss…about the past, the present and the things we may or may not like to do differently.

I’d be more vocal about the questions and thoughts I had since I was a kid. I’m finding it a little difficult, as an adult, to break away from the lamb-of-god image most of my family have of me.

The future: I just want to have shoulder-length hair and beards without looking stupid.

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As for your friend, he should ditch his concerns. As an only son I used to wonder if growing up with girls made me gay. But it’s a fruitless question; science has not clearly settled the nature-nurture debate on homosexuality, so we can’t say how much happened in the womb’s juices and how much happened outside of it. (Last I checked sha.) If he hasn’t started having feelings for girls by a certain age then maybe it’s not for him.

If I were you I will ask for grace and wisdom to be the best and flourish where God has planted me instead of making wishes that betrays the fact that you are ashamed of your family. Well, you are not alone. That’s the lot of the average African. He feels so inferior and disadvantaged, wishing all his life that he were the man from the west who took steps and endured pains and made sacrifices to get to his present state. Dear friend,flourish wherever God has planted you

Looks like there’s something wrong with old people’s understanding this beautiful day. Where did you see anything about my family? I only blamed my inability to come out on my family’s charismatic & prayerful nature.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be if I weren’t gay,and if I hadn’t as a child made that trip upstairs to my neighbor’s only to be gang banged by he and his brothers, I know for sure my life would have been ALOT easier as a straight man, there wouldn’t be the constant struggle to conform or the need to live a double life. Being gay in Nigeria is HARD! But there’s no point dwelling on regrets, what has happened has happened. At the end of the day its about making the best of what you’ve been given.

For me, I won’t go back and talk to myself directly. I will find a way to go back and ensure my elder brother becomes sensible and responsible that now I don’t have to carry all the cross of the family at this age while suffering in silence about this dual identity that I know will kill my family considering I am held in high esteem.

*sigh*

Just one of those rare emotional morning s for me. Missed this blog like crazy!

I have struggled and asked myself over time this same question. I never knew I was gay till I kissed a guy so there are times I have wished I never kissed him. Maybe if I didn’t, I’d be straight and live a “normal” life. Probably have a girlfriend and be the perfect Christian.

Probably having more enlightened parents so the idea of me coming out would be easier. My folks are loving and all but that would hv been a perk. I wonder if I would be gay if I hadn’t messed around with my family friend (around my age) but I guess it doesn’t matter. I love who I am…always have. So never had the self-loathing and such.
When I consider the tortured road ppl I know have crossed and are still passing through, my journey has been relatively serene.

Bizarrely, I don’t even wish I had any romantic/sexual encounters in my teens

The only thing that I wish I could go back and change is putting more effort into my sciences and maths ( I am doing now doing a science based course and the numbers are killing me). My sexuality? Nah… I kinda enjoy the thrills and drama that comes with it. The hurdles and bumps is just what I need for my boring life. I am too introverted and if I wasn’t gay, I wouldn’t have met some of the most interesting people I know.

I’d go back to secondary school and pick literature over geography. I’d pick technical drawing over agricultural science. I’d tell myself to be more confident about my abilities and not be afraid to shine. I’d tell myself to fight harder to study animation instead of a course that’s second best in my eyes. I’d stop myself from sabotaging my first ever relationship.

Oh dear.. I think about it weekly… I’d go back to 2007.. And change something.. Something that still finds a way to bite me in the ass occasionally.
Oh and yeah, I’d undo all those internet datings I did back then.. And also, I’d choose a diff course of study.. Cos that’s how I met my first love who damaged me.

I simply would have not agreed to go upstairs to that landlord’s house where his daughter repeatedly took away my innocence and maybe that’s why I didn’t look up to the idea of ever getting a galfriend those early years! Finally found a girl in uni and disvirgined her and loved the thrill! Now maybe that’s why am bi? Hmmm who knows.

I wish I didn’t start having sex at such an early age, I wish I wasn’t as slutty as I was in highschool. I wish I didn’t think love was for punks……and oooo I had someone to talk to about it earlier in life.

-care less, be more selfish
-be more assertive. Take charge. Not necessarily flamboyant
-have that senior, whom u will see bathing on the quadrangle in ur JS1 have sex with u…or be ur school father so at least u’d av fondled his dick
-NEVER let ur love for big dicks keep u attached to any. The sentiments involved will be kerp u in trouble
-start anything you take a fancy to early. Don’t let circumstances dictate
-don’t let anyone blackmail u into ‘lapping’. If they want it, let them ask for it…politely
-NEVER lower ur standards as far as aving sex is concerned. Have the will to block, delete or insult…and stand by it. Bloody goat!!!

I’ve always been pretty adventurous though with a good amount od caution so I’d honestly say I’ve seen and done a lot of what i wanted to do, am pretty simple and uncomplicated. The only thing I’d do differently if i could go back in time are that i would have been less bookish, more self – aware so as to pick up the loads of cues i missed from guys who were hitting on me but i was too clueless and deep in the closet to realise what was happening. I only know now due to hindsight. If i could go back and change anything else, i would get out more, meet more people and be less shy… but like i said, i like to try most things as well as to live without regrets ….