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10 Little Things Good Parents Do

Raising children demands a vast set of complex skills that can’t bedistilled into a Top 10 list like you’d see on Letterman. Still, thelofty fundamentals — love, respect, morality — are surprisinglyeasy to reduce to simple, achievable daily goals.

Hey, it worked for Moses, the other guy with the Top 10 list.

None of these goals will make you smack your forehead and wonder why you neverthought of them before. In fact you probably do many of them already, threedays out of four. It’s a matter of being mindful of what you’redoing, rather than acting on reflex. Here are ten little ways to do somethinggood for your kids — today.

1. Really listen to your child.

Nowhere are we more likely to act on reflex than when responding to our kids’ talk.Sometimes it’s the knee-jerk “no” — the easiest ofparental answers to a request. It also shows up in our tendency to half-listen,giving our kids the impression that what we’re doing — even ifit’s emptying the lint trap on the dryer — is more important thanwhat they’re saying.

Or we interrupt them. “For some parents, there’s a tendency tocorrect misinformation or try to teach as we’re listening,” saysJanice MacAulay, who works with the Canadian Association of Family ResourcePrograms in Ottawa. “That doesn’t allow enough time for what’sreally important to come out.” If your preschooler says, “Mom,I really gots to tell you something…” it’s not the time tocorrect her grammar, or you may never hear what she gots to say.

MacAulay believes it’s important for every kid to get focused attention — thatmeans putting down the lint trap and sitting down to look him in the eye. “Alittle attention goes a long way, and when we give it, it has to be 100 percent.”

2. Do Something Familiar.

It’s not just toddlers who love repetition — rituals and routinesare comforting for everyone. Some follow religious or ethnic customs, othersare weirdly idiosyncratic. Either way, they help shape a family’s identity.

Carolyn Monaghan and her husband, Glen, look forward to what she calls “apleasant, predictable sequence of events” each night with their five-year-olddaughter, Heather. “At bedtime we ask her, ‘What are you goingto dream about?’” says the mother of two from Langley, BC. “She’llsay she is going to dream about something we did that day, or what she’slooking forward to. Then we tell her what we’re going to dream about.”

Alyson Schäfer, a Toronto parent educator, says a fun family ritual — whetherit’s Sunday brunch at a pancake house or a weekly basketball game inthe driveway — can be an oasis for families where there’s a lotof friction. “You may not be able to solve all of your family’swoes,” she says, “but by doing more of what’s fun, you changethe ratio of good times to bad times, and just by doing that you have a happierfamily.”

3. Kiss your partner in front of your child.

As Schäfer notes, the arrival of children puts a whole new stress ona couple’s bond. “There’s a mistaken notion that your marriagewill wait,” she says. “I’ve seen parents with six-year-oldswho have never left their child with a babysitter, never gone on a holidayor even gone out for dinner or a movie.”

They might learn something from Kennan Silva of Edmonton. “My husband,Todd, and I do little things for each other. Sometimes he’ll bring mea chocolate bar, or I’ll have coffee ready for when he gets home fromwork. We hope that when our children are adults, they find the same kind ofloving relationship and will not settle for less than what they deserve.”

4. Read together.

This must be the most common public service message out there (after the oneabout erectile dysfunction), but regular story time can tail off as soon askids learn to read by themselves. For families who do continue, the rewardsgo beyond literacy.

“My girls are seven and nine and we read to them about five nights aweek,” says Jen Hrabarchuk of The Pas, Manitoba. “Reading to themgives us an opportunity to have cuddle time, which becomes rare at this age.Plus, we get to see how much they actually comprehend from longer stories.Over the past year we’ve read The Hobbit, Little House on the Prairieand A Wrinkle in Time.”

Helen Whitehorn and her husband, Mike, of Newmarket, Ontario, take turns beingthe narrator with their eight-year-old son, Matthew. “Sometimes he willread a page, we’ll read the next. Sometimes we read and he just listens,and sometimes he will read to us. He likes non-fiction and finds it fascinatingto learn new facts. If he doesn’t understand something, he and Dad willtalk about it together.”

5. Touch your child.

No one needs to remind parents to cuddle their infants. But like bedtimestories, hugs and kisses often taper off as kids get older and find themembarrassing. Even so, physical affection doesn’t have to meangiving your 12-year-old a zerbert on the belly while his skateboardingpals arevisiting.

“For some people it’s awkward, so find the ways that are OK withyou,” MacAulay suggests. It may be lying down together at bedtime, arelaxed hair brushing, a wrestling match or even a half-hour on the couch infront of the tube. MacAulay knows of a mom with lots of teenagers who oncetold her, “I don’t really like television, but I do sit and watch,mostly because I’m hip-to-hip with a couple of kids.”

6. Laugh during a tense moment.

Leah Johnson of Chilliwack, BC, learned first-hand how a laugh can defusea volcanic situation. She was in the minivan with Graham, six, and Sydney,four, when the bickering got to her. “I felt a yell starting in my throat,and I tried to think of a good threat. Since I couldn’t follow throughwith the old ‘knock it off or you’re both walking home,’ well,I barked at them!”

Johnson says there was instant silence in the back seat. “Four veryround eyes looked back at me in the mirror. Graham started giggling, and thenext thing we knew we were all howling with laughter. They both started barkingright back at me, and it was a very noisy but happy trip home. I’ve usedit quite a few times since then. I wonder if it will still work when they’reteenagers.”

7. Find out one important thing about your child’sday.

For some parents and kids, catching up comes naturally around the dinner table,before bedtime or in that most popular of family meeting places — thecar. Others may need a conversation starter. “One way to get kids toopen up is to briefly share your own experiences with them first,” MacAulaysays. Some families even have a ritual in which parents and kids share onegood thing and then one bad thing that happened to them during the day.

Like everything else, though, there needs to be a balance, MacAulay says.As kids mature, they need space to grow and that means we shouldn’t beinvolved in every aspect of their daily lives. “It’s importantto become comfortable with not knowing.”

8. Resist the urge to be a saviour.

This isn’t the best advice when your preschooler decides to try outdad’s acetylene torch or explore a divided highway. However, when your11-year-old forgets her school project (after you reminded her twice), or whenyour son’s T-ball swing isn’t going to get him to the majors, yousometimes just need to back off.

“I like to talk about developing a child’s psychological muscle,” saysSchäfer. “We want to prepare our kids for life, not protect themfrom it. Otherwise we interfere with important developmental processes.” Whenthe consequences aren’t huge, allowing our kids to fail helps teach themto succeed next time. And we can give a nudge to their problem-solving abilities. “Youforgot your homework today? What do you need to do so it won’t happentomorrow?”

9. Do something nice for your caregiver.

Finding and keeping good child care is difficult, but the payoff is big foryour peace of mind and your children’s comfort. Whether they’relive-in nannies or workers at a daycare centre, caregivers don’t liketo be treated like indentured servants. Take the time to let them know youappreciate what they do for your kids.

A survey of nannies on Todaysparent.com revealed that many don’t evenget a gift on their birthdays or at Christmas. Those who did made it clearthat it meant a lot. “One family I worked for would leave me little notes,flowers or baking as a way to show that they valued the work I did for them,” saysVicki Sims, nanny to two girls. “It does take a bit of effort, but it’sworth it.”

10. Don’t worry about the previous nine items.

Half a century ago, a guy named Dr. Spock told parents, “You know morethan you think you do.” Then along comes a blasted magazine article topoint out all the things you’re forgetting.

Of course, that’s not the point. All the goals we’ve listed areworth striving for, but no one will ever accomplish all of them, every day.So don’t beat yourself up trying to do the impossible. And while theremay be dads who have hang-ups about bringing the best cupcakes to daycare,this is mainly a chick thing. “Their expectations are going through theceiling,” Schäfer says of moms. “Look for improvement as opposedto perfection.”

It’s easier to be realistic if you spend time with others in similarsituations. “So many women tell me one-on-one how awful they feel becausethey don’t like to play Barbies for four hours. They think that’swhat good mothers do, and that every mother is doing it.”

Schäfer feels it comes down to cutting yourself the same slack you giveyour children. “Parents get the concept of encouragement when it’sapplied to their kids, but they forget they need to be self-encouraging aswell.”