Get Me To A Hospital, I Think I Just Swallowed Some Venom

Recent News

SALEM, OR—Saying their respective justifications were “good to go” whenever necessary, local couple Mark Wondrich, 25, and Cara Marshall, 27, reported Friday that they each have a comprehensive list of reasons why they should break up with the other on standby.

UPPER DARBY, PA—In a shameless attempt to persuade colleagues to excuse her incompetent mistake, local account supervisor Casey Collins, who forgot to include an email attachment earlier today, apparently expected her coworkers to forgive her just like that, shocked sources confirmed.

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

ROCKVILLE, MD—Explaining that most young people mistakenly believe the popular drug to be safe for recreational use, officials from the National Institute on Drug Abuse unveiled a new anti-MDMA campaign Friday warning teens about the dangers of feeling deep emotional connections to others.

CINCINNATI—Fearlessly embarking on a journey to areas as far as the outer mezzanine, local Cincinnati Reds fan Tony Amico, 38, reportedly departed from his section at Great American Ball Park Friday and trekked all the way to the other side of the stadium in search of better food options.

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:

Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Get Me To A Hospital, I Think I Just Swallowed Some Venom

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Okay, I just need to stay calm and reason through this. Think, goddammit, think! Okay, first I’ll need to take something for the swelling—is there any aspirin nearby? I should elevate the venom above my heart, right? I think that’s how it works. Does that mean I should elevate my stomach? Do I even know where my heart is?

Oh, Christ, someone call 911. I need a goddamn doctor.

All right, now, try to remember: What are you supposed to do if you ingest snake venom? I used to know this. Am I supposed to drink water? That will, like, dilute the venom or something, right? And how long does snake poison take to work, anyway? An hour? Ten hours? Five minutes? Shit. This is bad. This is really, really bad. The poison has probably spread to every place in my body by now.

Wait, I think I’ve heard people say you’re supposed to induce vomiting. Yeah, yeah, that will get the venom out of my system. But I don’t know how to do that. Do I stick my tail down my throat and make myself gag? I guess I’ll try that.

Huuuuugh! Gaaaach!

Okay, it’s not working. I’m touching way at the back of my throat and it’s not doing anything. Does anyone know the Heimlich maneuver?

Maybe I just need to get some mouse in my stomach. Yeah, a nice mouse or two should soak up some of the poison, delay its effects, give me some time to think. How would a snake expert handle this? I, of all people, ought to know more about what to do here. I’ve seen so many of those survival specials on TV. I never retain anything from them, though, is the thing. You never think it’s going to be you until it is. Man, I feel so stupid. I’m so stupid.

I think I’m having a panic attack. I think the venom is making me have a panic attack. I swear, I can feel my throat closing up right now. I might be allergic to venom. Can you be allergic to venom? Does it even matter? If it’s fucking venom it’ll kill me anyway, won’t it? Oh, Christ, someone please just find me a doctor!

I’m going to try and suck it out. I’m going to suck the poison out with my mouth. Look, maybe this only works in the movies but, screw it, I don’t have many options left at this point. I’m going to do it. I’m doing it! Here goes…

GAHHH! Snake! Snaaaaake! A snake is biting me! Get it off! Get it off! Ahh! Fucker!

Did anyone see that? Huge snake just bit me in the neck! Where the fuck did he come from? Bit me right in the damn neck. That’s got to make it worse. More venom can’t be a good thing. God, this is it for me, isn’t it? This is the end. Listen, tell my kids I love them. Tell them not to do what I did. Tell them…be careful around snakes…

Huh. Well, this is strange. Why haven’t I died yet? Why am I still breathing?

Could it be that I survived the venom? Am I stronger than I thought? I guess something I did must have driven it out of my system. Or maybe I’m even immune to snake poison? Well, I’ll be a son of a bitch. What a scare. Probably still a good idea to stay lying down for a bit, though. Calm down for a while, get my bearings and…