Sometimes life rolls along such that Jon and I do not even realize how different it is to live with a child who can communicate her needs and understand that others around her have their own. We get up in the morning, pour her a bowl of cereal, and settle in for a peaceful breakfast, forgetful that a few years ago the same half hour was spent not in pleasant silence but in screams, wild gestures, puddles of juice, and tears because not everyone in the house used the same language. We spoke in English. She spoke in Utter Discontent, a cacophonous dialect of Fuck You.

And then days like yesterday happen when she is so physically and emotionally tired from having played with her friend for most of the day that the portions of her brain in control of language are too fried to make connections, too spent to send the right word down through her mouth and the only thing that makes it out is a cannonball of indiscriminate consonants. And what should have been a pleasant dinner together was instead a good hour of CANNNNNN’T! WONNNNNN’T! to a hearty rhythm of DONNNNNN’T! All because a bean was touching a piece of cheese, and in case you didn’t know, such is the recipe for the end of the world.

I will admit to resorting to this kind of behavior when I am that tired, but the difference is that the adults around me are more than welcome to tell me to shut up. As her loving and doting parents, we are discouraged from using such language with Leta, and so we have had to get a little more creative: “stop it,” “cut it out,” “if you don’t stop screaming I’ll staple your lips together.”

The frequency of these types of tantrums has decreased dramatically in the last year, but when they do occur Jon and I experience an uncomfortable yet familiar panic, and one if not multiple parts of our bodies will twitch with the memory of those endless nights spent pacing the creaky wooden floors of our old house, of not knowing if the screaming would ever end. Sometimes they give me full body shivers that start at the top of my neck and move slowly down through my toes, a physical manifestation of the realization that somehow I made it out alive having lost only a few gallons of blood.

And yes, I know we’re headed right back into those endless, sleepless nights, but ah hah! I am now fluent in Utter Discontent! I can conjugate the verbs and assign the right pronouns! And there is even the tiniest possibility that this baby might not be as skillful a screamer, which sort of brings up all sorts of things that might be different this time around. What if this one actually likes dogs? What if she eats food? What would it be like to live with a kid who likes to be cuddled?

Conversely, what if this one isn’t as good a sleeper? What if this one likes to climb furniture? What if this one is actually curious about light sockets?

Of course, we have no idea, and such is the risk and adventure of parenthood. But these risks and these sacrifices, I think, are a fundamental component of this unique experience that has given me more insight and understanding into other human beings than any other of my life. And all of this is to say thank God we chose to have children. Thank God for those endless, sleepless nights. Because I now know what I know. Because raising Leta more than anything else in my life has helped me piece together the puzzle of what it means to be human. I understand my own childhood so much better, understand my own parents so much better, and there is so much about myself that I have tried to improve that I didn’t know I needed to improve until I was reduced to a late night pair of pacing legs.

So much more makes sense now, and I don’t know if there is any other way I could have gained this type of insight into life. And I think this is what a lot of us are talking about when we say it feels like we were let into a secret club, a club we didn’t know existed until we got here, like we had no idea there was this much to know until our children showed it all to us.

Hi Heather. I have a four year old and a 4 month old. My 4 year old was a very easy baby, but I suffered tremendous post partum depression after I had her. I worried so much about my son (4 months) but I managed with medications (and with lots of help from family watching the kids so I could nap and take care of myself – I did everything by myself with my daughter) to avoid post partum depression this time. The kicker? My son has had colic, reflux, sucks at sleeping, is crabby unless being held, etc. He is 4 months old and still wakes me up every 3 hours some nights. The gift of the 2nd child is the ability to manage it all with much more calm! You will do great! You won’t believe how much easier it is after having already gone thru it. You’ll see!

http://riogringa.typepad.com Rio Gringa

Hey Dooce,

Where’s your post on the inauguration? I’ve been anxiously awaiting it since yesterday! I know you’ve written a bit about Obama after the election but I’m interested to see your thoughts on yesterday.

Love,
Rio Gringa

Ashley

I have to agree with you about that secret club. You learn so much about from becoming a parent. The biggest thing for me was finally understaning my own parents.

http://domestiquette.net Wendy

You have one like I did. I remember not sleeping for more than 45 minutes in a row for 18 months. Going nearly bazonkers. Once I even decided to let her “cry it out” – which last until I gave up, at 6:30 the next morning–and accomplished nothing except to switch her days & nights. I remember a tantrum at 11 months old that was so fierce she knocked out one of her own teeth – explain THAT to a suspicious pediatric oral surgeon!

Kids like my Dolly & your Leta are the ones that grow us as parents. If you are blessed, you’ll have a second child like my 2nd child, Cowboy. A kid so easy that you could nearly forget he’s even there. A kid so even-tempered that when he actually misbehaves you have to stand there for a second and recover from the shock.

One kid to make you a better parent (if I hadn’t had Dolly, I would be a lazy, useless mom, I just know it), and one kid to make you grateful for every moment that isn’t hard. I hope you have that.

(I would have had three or four if I could have picked their personalities off the shelf. But I can only raise one of Dolly, so I thought better of that 3rd child.)

W

http://pogonipnv.blogspot.com pogonip

Good news–you’re about to enter the world of Day and Night. The Second Child and the concept of One-Eighty Degrees are kindred spirits. Fortunately you had Leta first–my “Leta” was the second child and I spent a good two years saying “your brother NEVER did that” on a good many sleepless nights.

http://cerebralpalsybaby.blogspot.com Shannon

My two girls are as different as night and day and it is so much fun! My first was the “easy child” and the second is known as “Hurricane Elise”. Still good but like a hurricane, if that makes sense.

Keelie

At this very moment the broken record of my mother saying “you won’t understand until you’re a parent yourself” is playing in my head.
I don’t think I’m brave enough to have a second one – but I’m also content w/ the one I have – and either way, I’m so grateful for the experience she’s given me. Even when I’m tempted to post her on Ebay and ship her to the highest bidder, there’s always something good that’s come out of that same day, to make me smile and remember how thankful I am that she’s mine. And only the other members of the secret club understand that

PS – the photo of Jon & his pipe… I imagine that if Bono were to do a Sherlock Holmes impression, THAT’S what it would look like. Right there.

Ash

Almost makes me want to have kids…. almost. Maybe someday soon. Until then, I’ll live vicariously through you.

Lana in Canada

Do not have time to read all the previous comments, as I usually do, but just want to say, I totally agree, Heather.
Parenting is so, so hard, but so, so beautiful and I am happy and grateful to have the privilege of giving life to and raising my own two incredible little girls.

Anonymous

I had forgotten how my children learned from each other until I saw it happening in my granddaughters. It’s “monkey see, monkey do” time for the most part. The 2nd child is so much easier in so many ways, not the least that you know they won’t break if you aren’t the most perfect person to have a child! And easier b/c the older one shows them the way and understands the 2nd one and interprets for the 2nd one.

http://chocolateandwhine.blogspot.com Stephanie

Not really the place for this comment, but I just had to say… Dude, Jon looks hot in today’s “daily photo.” One might even say… smokin’ hot. (But only if they were terribly dorky like me.)

http://www.janetnelson.net Janet

How very wonderful for you. Your family is blessed.

kelly

Thank god I’m not the only parent that has threatened to staple lips shut!

http://www.cleopatraqueenofdenial2.blogspot.com Gypsy

I am 7 weeks pregnant with my first child and I am 35. I have eight nieces and nephews, and most of my friends have kids. Yet, I still feel that I am as helpless as a pregnant 14 year old. Reading you makes me feel a little saner about the thoughts that go screaming through my head, every minute of every day. You know, the ones that shout “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH A KID???”

Alissa

Thank you for those last two paragraphs. Just nails parenting on the head.
“…we had no idea there was this much to know until our children showed it all to us.”
Pure gold.

http://peace-inthe-storm.blogspot.com Elda

I have four kids now… The first one was nothing short of what you just described. Sometimes, I stop and take in their different temperaments and I am amazed that we continued to have MORE kids after the first one drove us to the point of insanity.

I just hope that when it’s his turn to have kids, he gets one that makes his hair fall out. LOL

http://www.d3voiceworks.com d3 voiceworks

#127. I think it’d be a lot of hoop-jumping to FIND Playboy in Utah. Sure, we have special magazine stores, just like we have special two-pant suit stores (for the missionaries).

I, too, think Jon looks awesome, and curiously becoming and sometimes I wish I could have a hand-rolled cig but alas, baby in utero would NOT like it.

Cissy

I grew up with a sister 2 years older than me, and a sister 1 year younger than me. I’ve always used the same analogy to describe us. If you created a triangle shaped map of personality, the three of us would be sequestered to the three points, our personalities are all so different. But like the lines that connect those dots, we all share some of the same tendencies, too.

Congrats to your family, well wishes to you all.

http://pocketaces.phools.com Robyn

I never comment, and frankly don’t read as often as I used to, but I wanted to say this is my favorite post you’ve ever done. So beautifully said. So true.

http://lookedgoodonpaper.wordpress.com TamiA

I had the same moment when I had my kids. And now I keep telling my mom how much I made her suffer, and what a great mom she is and thank you and I’m secretly waiting for that moment to come when I become a grandmother. I believe that’s what people call “The circle of life”? Crazy stuff.

Cindy

I have a 2 yr old and am 22 weeks with baby #2. I can’t count the number of people who have told me the second baby is completely different from the first and that’s what I’m a little bit afraid of! #1 was so easy I felt embarrassed to admit it to my struggling mom friends. So I’m sure #2 is going to kick my butt hard. Still, I can’t wait to not be pregnant anymore!

Kathleen

You might almost have me convinced, were it not for the fact that I spent this past weekend babysitting my 4-year old niece and 5-year old autistic nephew while their parents were in Vegas. I know, I am the best Sister/Sister-in-law ever, and yes, they owe me BIGTIME!!!

http://.sprockgirl.com Sarah Prock

Bravo, Heather, bravo.

Teva

Thank you for writing this…I’m pregnant with my first baby and hearing something like this makes me that much more excited about being a mom!

http://www.sprockgirl.com Sarah Prock

Bravo, Heather, bravo.

http://scrappinjenny.blogspot.com Jennifer

This child will be completely and totally different from Leta. That is just how it works. My parents LOVE to tell stories of how different my brother and I were as babies. I was a very happy, easy going and sweet baby while my brother was needy, difficult and discontented. We both turned out to be rational, functioning members of society…although the jury may still be out as far as my brother is concerned. Hee hee…

http://moggit.com/ moggit girls

Having a second child is wonderful in that you know the drill, you know what to do…
The best part is, usually the second child is an easy going one. Enjoy the moments…

Joy and Janet

drhielle

I’m a married twenty-something who hasn’t figured out whether or not to have children. But I gotta say, if parenthood were a drug, I’d totally experiment. It sounds like a mind-blowing experience.

http://creditcardadvanceloans.com Chris Ronk

Thank you for bringing me back to the days when my children were crying balls of colicky screams.

*good times

jenstate

“She spoke in Utter Discontent, a cacophonous dialect of Fuck You.”

Best sentence ever to describe it. My daughter used this dialect for two years. I will never forget the agony of it or the lessons learned. Thanks for a great post.

Jennifer

Rick Smith

Lovely post, Heather. All so true. <3

Pogo

yes…it is a secret club, and opens up absolutely everything in your life, whether you want it to or not.

Jeanine

Right on sister. Perfectly said. I have a 4 1/2 year old and an almost 7 month old (both boys) and they are certainly different beings. Both good sleepers, so I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you guys, hoping that particular trait carries forward!

Laura

Reading this, I feel much better about holding onto the tiny creature currently residing in my reproductive organs.

http://netonet.unblog.fr Internet conseils

Great post. Thank you!

JR

Just became a member. Loving it more than I ever imagined. Thank you so much for sharing your life and motherhood. You are part of the reason why I decided to jump in. I am eagerly awaiting your experiences with two.

Sweet Herald

Spot on and well said.

http://www.justanotherkatie.blogspot.com ktjane

that is so sweet!

Sara

Yes. This is exactly how I feel. Grace just turned 5, and baby #2 is due on June 22nd. At times, I wonder “What if it’s harder this time around?” because last time was pretty damn rough, but.. it’s still worth it.

http://geezlouize.com Heather

Oh, I used to feel that way!!! Until they turned into teenagers!!! God, I miss tantrums…who would’ve thought!?!

http://www.angelawd.com angelawd

Every time I read one of these “Screaming Leta” posts, I wonder how on earth she is going to adjust to a sibling.

Not to make you anxious, or anything. Sorry.

http://www.cyndyava.blogspot.com cyndy

I don’t really know what to say right now. At the moment, I am just kinda speechless. It’s like you went inside my brain and you articulated all the thoughts that have been swirling around in the soup that parenthood has been slowly simmering in my brain since my daughter was born four years ago. Her father and I didn’t make it past those screaming nights…the four months of HELL on fire collic, that kept us from sleeping more than 2 hours in one shot. We separated when my daughter was two. Ah, I didn’t want to get into all of that. All I want to say is thanks. Thank you for being so f’n real and for saying what I never knew how to say. I probably won’t have the chance to do it again, being 42 and all…but there have been times when I dared to dream….What if?

http://www.Jewtah.com Paula

Hi Heather – Thanks for always saying what you think. You have inspired me to start my own blog at http://www.jewtah.com. I’m a fellow Utahn, but of the tribe called Jew. Hope to meet you in the future!

CANADASTEPH

That’s why I secretly call my children “sweet bastards”. They wring us dry and bring out the best in us. At the same time it is the hardest thing and the best thing. Dammit they better take care of me when I’m old!

April

To your question: What if this one is actually curious about light sockets?

They will live. My husband is living proof of that. As a child hehe stuck a pair of tweezers in a light socket, hung himself while playing cowboys and indians, , drank lye, crashed and flipped cars… He is still alive and healthy. However, after being a dare devil as a child, they may grow up and join the military so they can hang from helicopters and jump out of airplanes.

Just giving you fair warning!!!

Sarah

The second one is easier. Or so my friends with more than one child tell me. Me? I’m still too scared to find out

Bren

There is nothing more that I want out of this life than to be a mom one day. Your words about motherhood just brought tears to my eyes. Very eloquently written, thank you for that.

Angel

The good news is….kids are never alike….they may be similiar….but never alike.
The bad news is…..they feed off of one another’s behavior. And every bad behavior of ANY other child, manifests onto the other one.
Just wait until Chuck starts herding Coco…..it’ll happen.

My first child was so easy. Had I had my daughter first, I never would have had sex AGAIN. EVER. Thank God she got out of that screaming and yelling stage. Now the youngest, my other son, he’s just sarcastic as hell~and I know my Mother is somewhere..in Heaven…laughing her ass off…..cause this shit comes back on you! Karma.

Anonymous

Thank you so much for adding a light to every day. My favorite thing is to get of the computer and read your wonderful posts and hilarious lines. One of few daily pleasures. Thank you so much.

http://www.digitalcatharsis.com the mighty jimbo

frankly, i fear i’m far too much of a selfish, narcissistic bastard for kids.

i’m told, however, that kids have a knack at solving that very problem.

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