Day 91 of 365

Well, I don't really know where to start. I was raised in a Christian home, and for those who don't know, it is a common belief in Christian households that the husband and/or father play the dominant role as provider. For most of my life I didn't recognize how much this played its part in my parent’s relationship as well as my relationship with my father. As I grew older I began to have epiphanies while observing my parents relationship. My father was emotionally and psychologically abusive. As the "leader", he made an effort to belittle my mother and her intelligence. He would manipulate her, as well as my sisters and me. And as the years went by, he started to let you on my mother and weirdly enough, started targeting me (it is important to know that I am a spitting image of my mum, and we are both very similar to each other and very different from the rest of my family). He would punish me for things I hadn't done, with obscene punishments that didn't even correlate with what he was accusing me of. For example, I was once denied access to a bathroom and shower for over a month, because I supposedly had my boyfriend in my room (I didn't).

He would become angry with me very quickly, and sometimes entirely randomly. So I was spanked and hit more than my sibling. Even once punching me if the face while I was lying in bed.He would kick me out, in the winter, knowing I had nowhere to go, then text me and say that he hoped I was safe. He would dismiss my beliefs as stupid, scoff at me. I would try to cut him out of my life. And it tore at my mind, because I wanted to believe I had a father. He would tell me he loved me, tell me he wished we weren't on bad terms. But whenever I decided to attempt to mend the relationship, the cycle would just repeat.

This started a very negative pattern of bad romantic relationships. I would date men that hit me, that would force me to have sex that would humiliate me in front of groups of people. All telling me I was delusional if I ever tried to fight it. And many of them would use my family, and their religious background, as the reason why I was always "acting so crazy". I was basically in a state of constant confusion and pain. An every time someone would tell me this it made me resent my parents even more, and so I kept seeking these men out in an attempt to validate my emotions. I was emotionally, physically, and sexually abused by upwards of 3 boyfriends.

When I was 13 I lost my virginity to rape. When I was 14 I was abducted and raped again by two men. And a couple years later I was raped at a party. I was not allowed to recover, or to mourn. I went on with my life, not processing what had happened to me. And due to that, I was subconsciously rapidly losing respect for myself, and had sex with many people, so I would come home and my parents would call me a slut. I was self-harming by that point. And while drowning in unprocessed emotions, I tried to kill myself. Damaging my liver, and almost succeeding

me am so thankful I didn't

to this day I am still dealing, and struggling with all of this. Allowing myself to process it has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I was raised by domestic abuse. And only recently did I ever vividly notice the pattern enough for me to be able to put an end to it.

I am making it through, and striving given what has happened to me. I know that everyone else can too. You have my love.