i feel like i failed. i feel like i've failed the surgery, i've failed the team... i've failed you guys... i've failed myself.

i'm a month and a half away from my surgiversary. i'm 20lbs away from century club... i have been back and forth 5lbs or so since august. this is my 2nd stall since surgery.

it's no secret that since afropunk, things have been incredibly stressful in my life. i'm not making excuses for it. i haven't been perfectly compliant. sure, i've been hitting my protein and fluid goals every day without question - but i still have these insatiable urges to eat and drink when under stress/pressure. and getting further and further away from my surgery date - i've noticed that i can. and that scares me.

within the past few months, i've 1) had a person from my past come back into my life, 2) broken up with my BF, 3) ended up back with BF, 4) lost a band member who was like a brother to me, 5) found out that one other band member is involved with things he shouldn't be that could affect the future of the band, 6) found out my mother was diagnosed with MS and 7) stayed on an almost 3 week period cycle, which has drained my energy to virtually nothing (see FB for more info on that).

all of those completely stressful things, right? i should be a gold star and be able to push through... continue running, stay on plan, etc.? nope. definitely not.

i finally got the urge to start going to counseling. my first session was tuesday. i feel so bad, there was a LOT i dumped on my therapist. she said it was definitely past time for me to start up with therapy again.

i know we beat into each other's heads over and over again that we shouldn't compare our journeys to others. but it's hard. when you see the stats... i feel like i should have been in century club by now. i feel like i should be able to hit goal by march... april at the latest. i'm completely and utterly disappointed.

if someone says to me that surgery is the easy way out, i'm going to slap them in the mouth.

... anyway. i had to get that out. sorry for venting. i'm just disappointed in myself. any suggestions? anything i can do to get out of this rut? cause i'm at a loss.

You've done an amazing job so far, especially with all the stress and uncertainty you've been dealing with. And going back to therapy is the the most important step you could take right now. It shows that you are being kind and true to yourself. Don't let any numbers get you down. Our lives will forever have chaos and difficulties that we must face. So to figure out what is the best way to take care of ourselves is actually an important piece of our weight loss puzzle!

Also, recognize every small victory...you got all your protein in that day, or all your fluids. You feel amazing after walking a mile, you look awesome in a new pair of jeans, etc. Be your own cheering section. Don't let yourself hang out on the sidelines booing yourself after every little mishap. You are already a success, even if you don't loose one more pound!

if someone says to me that surgery is the easy way out, i'm going to slap them in the mouth.

This literally made me laugh out loud. Your personal style and sincerity in your posts on here are awesome. You strike me as a fun person who is genuine and would make a terrific friend. Vibrant is the word that comes to mind.

I'm sorry you're struggling. I don't have any sage advice to give you, but I know you can do this!! Hugs to you today!

I'm so new to this surgery thing, that I can offer no words of wisdom on it. However, I am 44 yrs old, and have dealt with a mirade of dramatic BS that comes into my life at really inopportune times.

The only thing I can suggest to you is this - take a deep breath. It will be ok. Each and every day, find something simple to be thankful for and smile about. The sun is out..smile; it's pouring down rain outside...the lakes will fill.

I tend to wear obnoxiously loud colors as often as I can to try to keep my spirits up. Even if it's mismatched socks, I make a point to smile at them.

My daughter, who had the VSG, just got off of a 3 week stall. She's seen her dad lose close to 90 lbs in just 5 mths and it makes her furious. Like you she wants to beat herself up over it. But, not everyone can, or does, lose at the same rate.

Sucky year it sounds like for you, so lift your chin up, put a smile on that face and walk proud. When the urge to overeat, or stress eat comes to play, eat a yogurt. If it's chocolate you crave, get a chocolate yogurt. Something more healthy to help.

You can do this. I don't even know you, but you seem like an incredibly strong woman. You got this!

I am feeling the same way right now. My profile does not reflect it, but I am back up to 160. The stress is killing me, and it's about to get more stressful. Anyone have a joint? IJK, I have NEVER done that, but I'm beginning to think that medical use for anxiety and stress is looking pretty good. Meredith, we seriously need to take a trip to Colorado....to see Greer of course.

Also, recognize every small victory...you got all your protein in that day, or all your fluids. You feel amazing after walking a mile, you look awesome in a new pair of jeans, etc. Be your own cheering section. Don't let yourself hang out on the sidelines booing yourself after every little mishap. You are already a success, even if you don't loose one more pound!

I echo everything JulieW says. Not comparing yourself to others is almost impossible but the key is to not let someone else's progress disrupt your own. Remember that losing slowly is STILL LOSING. You've taken the first step by going back to therapy. You can do this and you'll do it at YOUR PACE.

Meredith, I'm right there with you. The more stressful life gets, the more I realize how much I turn to food or drink. I'm trying to just take it one day at a time, and I do try to focus on the goals I have met, and not on the times I've failed. Counseling is definitely the right way to way - we are disordered beings, and need all the help we can get. You have accomplished a lot already, and we both know this isn't easy or fast, but I have faith that you will be successful. Stay connected to TT, and do what you need to do outside of the support you receive here. You know I'm here if you need to talk. I'm pulling for you!

1st- quit beating yourself up. It serves nothing but feeding the monster. 2nd- quit saying you failed us. This game is not over, not by a long shot. I've never reached my goal and I know I never will. And you know what, that's ok. My goal wasn't to get as skinny as possible or to reach some magical number. My life has improved a bazillion percent and dammit that makes me a winner.

thanks, all. sorry to bump, but i just wanted to let y'all know that i read everyone's responses and i really, really appreciate it.

i'm still feeling pretty beat up. but! tyler and i spent yesterday afternoon meal prepping. and i have my bag in the car with my workout clothes so i can go run after work. *chants* i will go straight to the gym. i will go straight to the gym.

Never apologize for venting.... we are ALL here for you. we have ALL been where you are now at some point in our journey weather it was pre surgery or post...... you look beautiful to me but you live with yourself, you see your imperfections, you stand in the mirror naked so I will not try telling you you don't need to lose any weight ;-)