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How Can I Learn To Trust A Man And Give Him Freedom?

Hello Evan,

I’m new to you, but I’m a quick student. My question is not really for you, though, it’s for your wife. Has she written anything you can refer me to? Like her, I have ALWAYS believed in giving others freedom to live their lives, make their own choices, etc. I’ve not found a man that believes that’s a 2-way street.

I’m 49, out of a 20-year marriage followed by a 2-year relationship with a “player” who took advantage of that freedom. So now I am newly on the dating scene and need a fresh belief system that doesn’t trigger those old fears.

I am interested in her perspective and/or philosophy in regards to how she “deals” with the other women in your life, particularly those you might feel attracted to. I’ve investigated the “polyamorous” and “open relationship” scenarios and I don’t really think that’s what you have or nor what I’m looking for, but how does a woman handle those situations as I do believe in people having freedom in a relationship is the only way it can work. Is this a fine line?

Thanks, Kim

I like your question, Kim, and while my wife is too busy running to Mommy and Me classes and shopping for our dinner parties to sit down and compose her own response, I did actually read her your question after dinner one night last week.

A wife trusts her husband enough to not cheat, even when there’s temptation? That’s crazy talk!

She was flattered and really wanted to give you the best possible answer. Her only recorded thoughts on dating have been compiled in a four-page section of “Why He Disappeared”and I’ve been told, much to my consternation, that her part is the best part of the whole book. I don’t know that I’d go that far – but I would say that learning how to best deal with an alpha male from the horse’s mouth is pretty invaluable. I’m quite candid that everything I teach comes from the “What Would My Wife Do?” school of thought and I think you’ll really enjoy it.

As to your provocative question about how much freedom you should give a man when you’re in an exclusive relationship and how do you deal with the inevitable fears and insecurities, allow me to set the record straight:

It is not at all difficult for my wife to deal with me, for one huge reason.

She trusts me.

Unconditionally. No question about it. Wouldn’t even occur to her that I would ever do anything to breach our vows.

She knows that I value my character and morals as highly as I value anything else in my life. The way other people value religion, I value doing the right thing.

Acceptance is the most powerful tool in making a man feel loyal to you.

And because of that worldview, there’s nothing I can do that’s remotely threatening.

This is why I can be surrounded by five attractive 30-year-old women at a party in Hollywood and I won’t get lectured when I get home.

This is why I can get a lap dance at my bachelor party in Austin, and all my wife asks me when I come home was whether I had fun.

This is why I can occasionally point out a woman in a low-cut top in a restaurant or watch online porn. Neither my wife nor I thinks that this is a slippery slope that’s going to destroy the foundation of our relationship.

This is why my wife can hire burlesque dancers to join the 80’s rock band at my 40th birthday party last month. They were a big hit with everybody – and about 10 women came up to me and told me how extraordinary my wife was. Huh?

Don’t get me wrong, my wife is extraordinary, but the only thing I think is REALLY extraordinary is how RARE this kind of behavior is.

A wife trusts her husband enough to not cheat, even when there’s temptation? That’s crazy talk!

But why? Shouldn’t ALL wives trust their husbands? I sure think so. After all, what kind of relationship do you have if you don’t trust the man you’re supposed to trust?

Thus, the first thing you have to do, Kim, is to find a man that you completely trust, without a doubt. It’s your doubts that will drive you nuts, not the man himself.

Some women would be driven nuts by me, but that doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with me. You may think I’m disrespectful. My wife doesn’t. She thinks I’m normal and she loves the fact that I can be myself around her without any fear of retribution. And because she’s so accepting of me – a trait I’ve found very hard to find – I love her in a way that few men openly love their wives.

Acceptance is the most powerful tool in making a man feel loyal to you.

Now that does NOT mean accepting behavior that is inherently unacceptable.

Wherever you draw the line becomes the line

Some women freak out if he talks to another woman, has lunch with another woman, says something cute on Facebook to another woman, or looks at another woman. I think this is a bad policy because it’s essentially asking him to spend his entire life lying to you and denying the existence of any other woman. If you find a man who is willing to pretend that no one else in the world is attractive but you, I applaud you and hope you’re happy.

Agonizing about whether he’s going to cheat is like agonizing about whether a plane is going to crash. You really can’t do anything about it, so you might as well try to enjoy the ride.

But since you’re a freedom-loving woman, Kim, you don’t have to do that. You just want to know how far you should go. It’s not my place to say what’s right for you, but if you believe what I do – that both sexual contact and sexual intention can be considered cheating – then that becomes your tipping point. If your boyfriend is asking for women’s numbers, flirting on Match.com, taking other women out to dinner secretly, having phone sex, or actually cheating on you, then, well, he’s broken the boundaries of exclusivity.

In other words: fantasizing, fine. Acting on his fantasies without your permission, not fine.

As long as you know your boundaries, you can give him all the leeway in the world, until he breaches your trust. Which brings me back to the three things my wife had to say about your question:

My wife knows infidelity – she’s had three boyfriends cheat on her – and each time, she knew when something was wrong. Her wisdom was in not treating those men (or me) as if they were untrustworthy until they actually did something untrustworthy.

2. Stop looking for it.

As my wife pointed out, if he’s going to cheat on you, he’s going to cheat on you. You can’t stop it with fear or worry or interrogation or jealousy. If anything, those kinds of behaviors will be more likely to drive a man to escape. Agonizing about whether he’s going to cheat is like agonizing about whether a plane is going to crash. You really can’t do anything about it, so you might as well try to enjoy the ride.

3. Trust

As I’ve long said, it’s either full trust or no trust. If you truly trust your guy, you couldn’t even imagine him cheating on you. He has a strong moral code. He treats you like gold. Even if he’s attracted to other women, he would never think of jeopardizing his relationship for a quick fling. And so you let everything go that is not actually cheating behavior – and watch him express his further devotion and appreciation to you.

For you will be the only woman ever who has done that for him – who was confident enough to let him be himself and not try to change him.

Comments:

91

George

@Evan 91

I didn’t say that trusting and not caring are the same thing, I’m trying to say there is a difference between parents who would let their kid have a small glass of wine with dinner, and parents who let them do drugs in the house. At some point, if anything goes, it’s because it’s just not important to you.

” To Paragon #74 (and everyone else who says people “choose” cheaters and players: I am not telling you, or anyone, that I choose the wrong men. I do not have ESP, they do not announce their predisposition to cheat, and they don’t behave the way one would typically expect a cheater to act. The man I used in my example was home every night. I had zero indication there was anything going on. ”

” To answer your question, no–this particular guy would buy the grapes without sampling, from a local farmers market to support the local economy and reduce the carbon footprint on the planet, and then give the cashier a healthy tip. His birthday gifts were those of legend. “

Obviously, these are not reliable indications of fidelity.

“I’m also pretty astute, according to my friends, at picking up on negative vibes. THIS is why I get so frustrated when people blame me for getting cheated on because I “chose” the wrong guy. It’s happened a few times, and every time it was a guy (a real winner); the type who would get the “upstanding citizen of the year” award”

Perhaps you should be looking for less obvious patterns, to relate your experiences with cheating men.

Were they ‘unhappy’ with you, or just looking for something different(or better)?

Perhaps these men were merely overconfident and opportunistic – willing to risk what they had for a new infatuation.

I think sometimes, too much of a conventionally good thing(ie. confidence) can pose high-risks for any relationship.

Ideally, we all want to be partnered with someone who has sufficient apprehension to resist temptation, and constrain their most selfish impulses(even in cases where we would be none the wiser).

@ Selena

“ Thanks for sharing this quote:As Ernest Hemingway wrote:“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”

Really folks, it’s the only way.

The alternative: being suspicious, jealous, controlling, paranoid, snoopy – it just eats you up inside. And will not only destroy your relationship, but your self-esteem as well.”

Personally, if I am sincerely motivated in nuturing a relationship with someone, then I’m willing to accept some degree of suspicion and uncertainty during the formative stages – before trust can be reasonably justified.

Everyone has baggage, and I am not prepared to fault someone for what I see as trivial preconceptions that can be amended over time – I think any woman worth being in a relationship with, is worth that kind of consideration.

“Anything goes” seems to be the direction this is heading. Let’s take the panty story, and lets say it happened again. It happens multiple times. Or let’s say it’s a used condom that you swear up and down was left by your male friend who brought his girlfriend over. Now she is okay with all of it, because she is wonderful and understanding. Does that sound right to you?

Take you and your wife out of this for a minute, Evan, and just look at this in the abstract. I’m just not buying the notion that “Sure honey, you can spend the night at the house of that girl who always flirts with you, since you’re just friends” means she is caring and understanding.

George, I don’t know how stupid you think people are – or how loose you think my morals are – but there’s a huge difference between talking to a stranger at a party and spending a night with that same stranger. One is normal. The other is infidelity. Anyone who can’t figure out which is which will have major relationship problems. Sorry, I’m not continuing this absurd slippery slope you’ve set up.

I didn’t set up the slippery slope, Evan, you did, by saying she is supposed to be patient and understanding when she finds… well, pick your piece of evidence. I just don’t see that as a virtue. If she really cares, she SHOULD freak out if she thinks I might be cheating on her…

a) George, you’re clearly not a man, but a woman who came here to pick a fight. Well done.

Whatever you’re advocating makes zero sense. If a man’s done nothing wrong, there’s no reason to freak out. If he has done something wrong, she should leave. But she should certainly have her facts straight before she does anything. My wife knows that I’m not cheating on her when I talk to other women or admire other women. And thus we have a good marriage. If she reacted to my bachelor party (where I didn’t cheat), to my many Facebook friends (where I didn’t cheat), to my occasional online porn use (where I didn’t cheat), we’d have a really bad marriage. If she wants a man who doesn’t do any of these things, she shouldn’t have married ME.

And so…

b) Feel free to choose a partner who freaks out at you instead of trusting you. As it stands, I’m pretty happy with my choice (as is my wife) and will continue to strongly recommend that ALL men and women choose trusting and low-drama partners.

This ridiculous non-conversation is over. Best of luck to you and your fantasy boyfriend who never talks to other women and really digs the fact that you freak out because you CARE so much.
(George, I deleted your last comment after showing it to my incredulous wife. The huge leaps that you’re taking between my wife being cool with my behavior and people doing drugs, being openly cheated on and your son getting kidnapped…well, let’s just say that we’re gonna have to agree to disagree.)

Sounds to me he gets off on negative attention like that and into game playing. “Oh maybe my girlfriend will really care about me if I spend the night at this chick’s house I want to sleep with so she’ll freak out.” LOL! Healthy.

@Selena 95make [your relationship] the place you both want to be and paying attention to what is going on with your partner emotionally, just may avoid the slippery slope. If something feels off, TALK about it.Rockin’ . I completely, completely agree. Talk before you jump to conclusions if you can, and if you can’t turn off that machinery (which is a challenge) at least talk before you make a decision to change something.

Actually, I think you’re being extremely small (bet you’ve heard that before), deleting other people’s postings when you loose the argument. I think I made my point, and I think you understand perfectly clear what that point is, hence your unwillingness to go further on this.

George, I let your last comment through because it was a perfect ending. You insulted me, you misspelled “lose”, you said you made your point and that I understand it, and you intimated that I was afraid to go forward because of the strength of your argument. I’ll let readers decide for themselves if your arguments make any sense. Goodbye and good luck.

You are over generalizing/over extending one story and example to apply to absolutely everything. That seems to be a common problem on this blog; the over extension of a point into hyperbole land concluding that if the over extension doesn’t make sense NONE of it does.

It is like a metaphorical black hole. Once you start to extend something past where it makes sense (like what happens to Newtons laws of motion once you cross the event horizon of a real black hole), you ultimately end up at a logical singularity where you can draw pretty much ANY conclusion and the legitimate point Evan is trying to make no longer makes any sense at all.

Stay outta that region. You will only hurt yourself. OK, that made about as much sense to folks with a non astronomy background as some of the posts of another frequent poster, but to get some inkling read paragraphs 2 and 4 of the link on my name.)

Very much like a black hole, these over generalized conversations quickly lose any ability to communicate useful information. (If you want to continue to use my metaphor, read the last section of that link.)

Hmm…I seem to have overextended my metaphor to a point where it no longer makes sense and has become useless. Now where have I seen that before? 😉

@ Evan #91….you were so exactly right on the money with your comments there. When reading it I felt like I was reading about myself. Yep, if you don’t have inner confidence & you’re not sure you picked a partner of integrity then everything they do seems like a potential threat. After years of trying to rebuild trust, I think we have come a long way, but it’s not been easy or fun at times. I think now I have finally built back some inner confidence in myself as well as with him. I do trust him on certain levels but I think there are different “layers” of trust? Any thoughts? Do you think there are “layers” of trust or is it you do or you don’t?

You just hit home with me on something when you were responding to George, in regards to “making sure you have your facts straight.” That’s exactly it. I try to do that in relationships, and probably did TOO much of it in my last one, where my ex was constantly hanging out with HIS ex. A few of my friends asked me straight up if I thought he was cheating. I really didn’t have concrete proof, so I never accused him of it. Did I have some funny gut feelings that there was more going on than I was being told? Oh surely. But since I could not clearly back it up, I held my peace and watched for other signs of problems, and boy oh boy did those signs pop up.

I do admit that I have a bit of a suspicious personality, which I am working hard on, and it is getting better. And because I know I am a bit suspicious due to men in my past pulling some pretty big stunts, I have to remind myself, “Heather, you already know you’re sensitive in that area. Put on the brakes, look at the FACTS. If the facts truly do add up to: he’s cheating or lying, OK fine, as long as you have those facts straight, move forward with dumping his ass and go on. But if you’re just having a gut feeling, try to hold off on just blasting him with both barrels, until you are SURE something is wrong.”

I’ve learned that truth will always prevail, and if a guy is pulling something, I will find out about it sooner or later, I don’t need to be a snoop.

@Heather #113: I think I’m a lot like you, so your post hit home. I’ve been cheated on (as we probably all have at some point), and I don’t always have the healthiest self-esteem (although I’m much better than I used to be) so I sometimes find myself knee-jerking when my gut gets that little feeling. But I’ve learned to wait until actual EVIDENCE shows up. Most of the time (now, in my more recent realtionships) it doesn’t. I’ve come to realize that if a guy is doing something behind my back, he gets lazier as he comes to care more about “her” than about me, and the evidence becomes easy to find (no snooping required). I hate that I have to wait, but I think it’s better than risking a good relationship if there’s nothing going on.

@KarlR #87: I LOVE your point about a person who cheats ruining that relationship. We’ve heard it before: “Don’t let a bad past relationship (or person) ruin a new one,” but somehow the way you put it makes much more sense. Bob ruined my relationship with Bob, and Jim ruined my relationship with Jim. Plain and simple. Thanks.

@Evan – I really love this article and it’s very helpful and empowering to me. Thank you! I’m wondering what you suggest (and others are welcome to comment on this as well) if I trust my guy, but not this new girl he is friends with. He met her through work and he really respects her and they have a lot in common, and so now they are friends. He has not done anything inappropriate, and he has gone out of his way to introduce me to her and wants me to be friends with her too (good sign), but for some reason I have a terrible gut feeling about her (that she wants my man and that she is trouble). She is single and attractive, which is extremely troubling to me. I have told him my feelings on this. He reminds me that she’s been nothing but nice to me (which is not even totally true, she does subtle things like if the three of us are talking she will only make eye contact with my boyfriend and not with me at all), and he doesn’t understand why I feel this way. Is it women’s intuition (and if that is the case what can I do besides share my concerns with him)?

Amber, just be honest. You trust HIM but you don’t trust HER. Add to that “And I don’t blame her in the least. You are a great guy. Why wouldn’t she want to steal you away from me.”

And then admit, “But I’m afraid she’ll succeed. I think she’s prettier than I am and due to the fact that you work together, she gets to spend more time with you than I do. I’m not comfortable with the way she ignores me and has eyes only for you when she hangs with us. You may not notice but believe me, as a woman, I notice this kind of stuff. I love you and trust that you won’t cheat on me. But I don’t trust that she won’t try something to test you. How about we make a deal? If, or more likely, when, she makes a pass at you, you promise me you’ll end the friendship on the spot and never speak to her again, and you come tell me about it. If she never hits on you then obviously, I was wrong about her intentions where you’re concerned and I’ll try to warm up to her, ok?”

Honest, vulnerable, and establishes boundaries and expectations without blame. He can’t get angry with that. If he does, well, you need to rethink him as your partner.

I have a similar history to your wife’s where I have been cheated on several times. “I am not going to let it define me, and I am not going to punish my current boyfriend for what a past boyfriend(s) did to me.” This is the motto I (TRY TO) live by. I realize that it’s not fair to punish someone for someone else’s actions. However, I am finding that I struggle at times in doing this.

What suggestions do you have on how to actively work on this while you’re IN a relationship? I am with a great guy who is great BECAUSE he calls me out on things when I am out of line (might sound crazy but I LOVE this). He treats me great but I definitely have insecurities that stem from my past. I have my moments where I let these insecurities creep in.

When I found your blog it COMPLETELY changed the way i looked at my relationship in an AMAZING way. It felt like I “got” it for the first time.

My question is: Can I repair any damage it might have caused (before reading your blog? unfortunately I saw it a little too late.. if the answer is yes..how so? Is there anything else I can do besides actively working on controlling/suppressing these tendencies?

I use to believe the same thing and allowed my husband to go to night clubs n strip clubs with his friends n he took advantage. I don’t believe he cheated, but he was going every weekend and soon rarely took me out and when he did, he would leave me alone the whole night and was with his friends. I became resentful and began to point these things out and started asking him to stop, but he refused and started saying that i was one of those controlling women that wanted to control him and that was why he wouldn’t stop. He has since cut back on the partying, but still wants to occasionally club out or go to bars with guy friends, but I am still resentful and i don’t want to go down that road again. I am ok with him going ouf with his friends and playing his sports as long as he comes home before morning when he goes out. I have good reasons to feel how i feel, but it’s a long story and your advise would probably be to leave him if you knew how he came to treat me (no abuse just selflessness), but that is not something I want to do unless I find that he is cheating or has, but i really don’t think so.

I think I made every mistake in the book recently and became every man’s nightmare. I think when you’re unhappy or something’s “off,” in your life, you react insecurely and have trust issues. The wisdom I gained from acting psychotic is that it is much healthier to go into a situation with an open heart, and live without fear. It’s FEAR of some sort that drives us to control people, from whatever insecurities that we possess. You can’t control people, and if you get hurt…well that’s the risk. There are no guarantees in love.

I am starting to flip out about the fact I didn’t hear from Dude after a couple texts. He told me during a 2-3 week trip he probably wouldn’t get back to me right away. It’s only been one day since we interacted. I had to re-read this blog. I think I will have to re-read this blog many times to remind myself just to TRUST. For god’s sake he surprised me by volunteering not to sleep with anyone else. He told me he just wanted to feel like he had his freedom. That made me sad because before I had major life problems, I wasn’t a controlling girlfriend. I never flip out when my friends don’t get back to me right away. Jeez. So why not treat him like that? There’s this thing I read…I think an excerpt from Men are from Mars, Women from Venus…imagine you are a rock and there is a rubber band between you and your man. Eventually he will snap back.

I can understand where you are coming from. I tend to be anti-clingy though, as I see it as weakness in myself, which I don’t have an easy time acknowledging. I would be the type to say that if being involved with me makes you that fearful of loosing you freedom then here, here’s your freedom, I am removing myself from the equation. I know that’s a self-defeating behavior too. I guess the only way you’ll find love is to hang in there and risk the rejection, i.e. there’s no way out but through. I don’t mean wait around in a dead end relationship forever, but a reasonable amount of time. I’m still very skittish though.

@starthrower68 I agree with you about waiting around for a reasonable amount of time, but not forever. This is a returned ex who left on a trip for work for 3 weeks. I definitely was not a “cool girl,” I can completely understand why he said that to me. He wants to live his life and not feel like he has to “answer.” I put him in that position many times when things were nutty between us. So he can have his freedom (I mean that in a nice way). I hope this rubber band theory is true. LOL! I want to be that kind of girl for him that will make him want to talk to me all the time, we were there for a while, I just lost my shit over a sticky situation he was in, I was mean and demanding. This situation made me realize that there are holes in my life that I needed to fill, and I took action to change some things. I am pretty lucky he’s around right now, it’s really a 2nd chance.

Its part of the parcel of dating good looking men. They will have opportunities, they will get womens attention, they will be flirted with, etc. They will keep you on your toes and will challenge you which is why you will respect them more and have a differnt level of sexual and romantic attraction to them.

You wont have to worry about this when youre dating average looking men.

Totally agree with the trust thing. I approach whatever my husband does from the perspective that I assume he makes his choices from a place of loving intention. This is because he has proven his trustworthiness to me many times, it was not just given blindly. He earned it really, like I have with him. Sure he may cross a boundary in the future sometime but until it is known for sure I can only assume he lives by his morals and words.

Very confused though about the lap dance scenario…on one hand Evan is praising his wife for being accepting and supportive of his lap dance and then he condemns phone sex as crossing the line! Ummm, my friend danced years ago at an exclusive strip club and a lap dance is not a non-contact sexual experience whereas phone sex is non-contact. Many wives / girlfriends are ignorant of the lap dance – it is a LAP dance up close and personal. Many wives will be ‘accommodating’ when really it’s codependent behaviour to allow a lot of things to keep the relationship.

Also, I’m not so sure about the self description of “alpha’. Evan does not present as alpha at all, more a beta that knows a lot about dating and they make pretty good husbands.

I think it’s up to each couple to work out what their line is and what the consequences for crossing them are, then no one gets a nasty surprise. In the meanwhile we just assume loving intent.

Wanted to add that I’m talking about EARNED trust. Although I agree with trusting a partner and largely accepting them as they are I think it really also depends on why a woman extends trust. Sometimes women have been cheated on or burned somehow and figure out the way to secure a partner is to give them whatever they value most. If the new partner highly values a lot of freedom (and he praises her for her uniqueness if she accommodates that) she will strategically become the biggest freedom extender to meet this criteria and become the most valuable in his sight. I think this article unintentionally advises this and while it may work a woman needs to know she is personally comfortable with this level of compromise to secure the relationship since this pattern will set the tone for the life of the relationship.

Although I largely trust my husband’s intention to be loving I would be foolish to think he would never weaken with temptation and act selfishly. However, he values our relationship so much that he doesn’t test his ability to withstand temptation by putting himself in certain situations- this is largely why I trust him, he demonstrates his commitment in this way, he doesn’t abuse his liberties and I have the upmost respect for him for that.

I personally would not be comfortable with the level described in the article and thankfully have not had past negative relationship experiences which may lead me to extend this level to secure a relationship but can totally understand how it could happen. I believe it is healthy for both sides to be accepting and both sides to have limits recognizing it is a balance of his needs / her needs that create security. There is nothing wrong with women having limits, I’ve got limits and my husband respects me more for having them since he loves that I respect myself and that is what he said stood out about me. Earned trust and (based on previous behaviour) assuming loving intent (rather than blind acceptance) is great.

Ladies, remember you don’t want to be so open minded that your brain falls out.

I don’t believe I have it backwards, as there’s not one right forwards way I just see it a little differently. It’s my opinion that many women first start to trust by observing the guy and how he lives within his own skin, not assuming guilty just observing. Does he appear honest in his life, with his friends, turn up when he says he will, call when he says, respect you in the presence of other women? No one just gives a guy the keys to her house on the first date assuming he’s innocent until proven guilty!

In my experience it’s little by little she will see his character emerge and the trust is built on that and then extended more openly as you describe (‘it’s assumed until lost’) assuming loving intent as I wrote in my first comment.

I have never been cheated on (to my awareness) in my relationships, have been asked for marriage a couple of times when younger and have been happily married for over 20 years so I’m not completely ignorant around this or a controlling dragon. I just see it a little differently to the article and wanted to share that so women can come to their own conclusions around differing views, especially if early on in the relationship, possibly older and previously burned as they may drop expectations in the relationship to secure it and maybe later in life regret the tone they co created.

I think women have to work with what they are comfortable in and be authentic to themselves and others rather than using accommodating strategies that may not be natural to them in order to gain her partner’s approval and commitment. Your relationship was used as the example of trust and it’s only natural there’s going to be many differing opinions around this as there are other successful relationships which blossom with differing dynamics as there is no one right way.

Similar outcome (ultimately trusting), we just see the details of the process a little differently is all and I put a lot of value on women’s self respect which I think she can lose if she’s too open. I’m just saying there are other ways around approaching trust and working out what a woman wants before using another couple’s relationship as a template. You even said it took you a long time to find someone as accommodating as your wife and it seems you help her feel secure in the relationship by praising this attribute as what made her stand out. So it’s understandable that for her to feel secure around other women, suspicious scenarios etc that the more she accepts the more praise and security she gets because she knows you haven’t found other women who you could have a relationship with and be so free. This strategy may work for you guys but I’ve seen many men gradually lose respect for their wife over time as she sets the standard through her self respect. This is why I responded to the post, because I just hope that women will think through the dynamic from where the article comes from and whether it’s what they really want and think about many options from other happy couples’ experiences also.

I completely agree with what Evan has to say, but unfortunately for me my ex went over the line just too many times. Did I trust him not to cheat?Absolutely, but his behavior in public was inappropriate. He would stare at other females constantly, some as young as 12 or make inappropriate comments to the dismay of the girls parents. He would also hang out in bars to ogle the waitstaff. I would point out many times how embarrassed I was to be in public with him. Well, he felt entitled, as a man to behave in this manner and I found it to be obsessive. My feeling were never taken into account. I’ve been alone for nearly two years and am loving my new found freedom. ..I’ve never been happier. I’ve recently started dating again and will never settle for less than I deserve. I’d rather be alone. Lesson learned.

I’m facing a huge problem in my relationship lately.. At the beginning when I met my now fiancée he
Didn’t want me to go anywhere by myself and picked on my online male friends on fb that I added way before living together..

Either hang out or spend more time with friends or family at home. Now the guy wants freedom to go out by himself to have drinks in bars… In my country where he doesn’t speak the language or have friends and women are kind of hot and very friendly with white foreign guys.. I disagreed off course…
Well he started befriending young girls on linked in and fb from my city.. Claiming that he is bored and feels like talking to other people .., but why only hot girls? And ..,On my back asking them for their Whatssap. At least 70…,When I
Confronted him about this he said that why should I worry if I have him in a jail practically he can’t do anything. And that I broke his trust and privacy by checking on his stuff.,,But it’s hard for me to trust him. When from the beginning of our relationship until
Now he makes jokefull comments about hot women appearance …he stares at their asses, hot bodies …turn his head to look at them every time we go out. I feel that if this happens in front of me … What would be like if I’m not around?
I always been a little insecure and jealous type but really.. He says is all
In my mind.. He is a good guy in other aspects and he says he loves me.. But I don’t feel that this would work. He knows what I can and can’t tolerate but he regards my feelings most times by fighting me back instead apologising when he does things that hurt me.. And he expects me to think that he is loyal and would ever betray me.

Dump him. If you can’t trust him, whether there is a basis in fact or not, dump him.

I think you would be right to dump him. So why do you stay when you’re so unhappy? You think you can’t find anyone better or anyone at all?

Don’t NOT dump a guy because you’re afraid of being alone. Being sad alone is better than being sad in a relationship. At least if you’re alone, you have a chance to find someone better. If you’re sad in a relationship, your only options are to put up with it or to cheat. Neither are good options.

I really like this article. I’m trying to be more like your wife. I was in an awful relationship a long time ago; partly my fault, partly his (completely different attachment types). This relationship shattered my confidence and introduced self doubt in to my life (I’ve always been pretty sensitive).

Anyways, enough of the past. Now I’ve worked SO hard to get where I am. I still slip up sometimes and jealousy/doubt creeps in, but overall I’m much better (note, I decided to change for me, not him. I was so tired of worrying).

There are still times that I get worried, normally when I’m triggered by an action or behaviour, which I don’t agree with (my views on behaviours were pretty inflexible, but now much more understanding). I can snap myself out of it though.

You might say, hey! Is this man actually worth it? Well, yes he is. It’s not his fault I was cheated on multiple times by one man in the past, who seemed pleased when I finally ended it.

Wow. I am in somewhat a similar situation and no article has phrased it better for me than this one. As soon as I read it, it felt like a wait has been lifted from my shoulders. I should really just let go. And not worry about stupid BS. if it happens, it happens. And this article has helped. Thanks so much!

When I was about 22 I dated a very attractive, funny, witty and successful man. He was also a great dancer. When we would go out, women were always asking him to dance and I would get so jealous. After a tirade of mine, he just looked at me and said, I know these women, they are my friends, I’m with you and I’m taking YOU home. This jealousy of yours is very unattractive and completely unnecessary. From that point on I CHOSE not to be jealous. I didn’t really have anything to be jealous about anyway, and it was my insecurity that was the issue. That life lesson, that I am so grateful I got very early on has served me well. Worrying if someone is going to cheat gets you absolutely no where. I’ve adopted if someone can take him away from me then he wasn’t as into me as I thought. My husband of 16 years I trusted without question. Even the 7 years we lived in two states, him being a university professor surrounded by young attractive women not to mention living in Las Vegas. When he became unhappy in our relationship, he did cheat and I never saw it coming because I trusted him completely. The signs were actually there, I just didn’t believe them because of that trust. I wouldn’t change a thing about my belief system and trusting men. That relationship ended 5 years ago and I suppose I could be the victim and not ever trust again, however I don’t see that in me at all. I don’t expect or look for the worst in my dates because of it. How he chose to be says more about him than me. It’s not a great way to live, being negative or looking for the worst in someone so I CHOOSE not to. I’m much happier because of it.

As someone who has worked in the sex industry, I can say that some men are like Evan and are there for fun, and some men are there to see what they can get. Women have to understand this is a business for us, we are there to make money, not steal your boyfriend or husband. In fact, WE DONT WANT YOUR BOYFRIENDS OR HUSBANDS! I have seen the best side and the worst side of men, and every man in that strip club is in there for a differnt reason, know that. Evan being in there for his Bachelor party, totally acceptable. The man in there by himself every night giving half or more of his paycheck and who’s looking for a date or sex when he has a family at home, NOT ACCEPTABLE! It just depends on the man. Most women know when they have a lousy man.. Because if you have one chances are your very unhappy all the time. No one needs to tell you that your needs are not getting met, your well aware of it. Chances are if he’s spending that much time in the strip club,you already have your answers lady. Nothing wrong with porn either( in fact it’s great to watch sometimes for both partners), as long as you and your man are still regularly having a good healthy sex life. One again, we are not talking about the guy viewing porno all day and preferring it to sleeping with you… Big difference. I think what Evan is saying is that if you have a good guy, who wants to commit, wants to make you happy and is a pretty good boyfriend or husband, cut him some slack! He’s not going to to leave you for a stripper or cheat on you. The key here is that he’s a good guy ( like Evan) and is meeting your needs. I doubt Evans wife would be as trusting as she is if he gave her things to worry about and wasn’t trust worthy and was unfaithful before. You only do these things for a man who has proven to be a good trustworthy partner, not some loser who has already cheated, and dis regards your feelings and isn’t meeting your needs. It’s quite simple actually.

I have trust issues and im really jealous. I don’t see why a man has to go to a strip club if hes happy with his wife and what about the women getting to do things like men. If a man is truly happy he will have no need to go to a strip club, and yes it promotes sexuality which can lead to wondering minds. I’ve seen many women trusts their husbands/boyfriends and they still cheat. There needs to be boundaries. Of course a man will be happy if his wife allows this kind of behavior, hes he’s getting the best of both worlds!

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