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Thursday, December 16, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Interview with the Vampire

Louis: "I am a tragically beautiful vampire. You want me to tell you my life story?"

Daniel Malloy: "That's what I do for a living. I interview people. On the radio. I'm thinking I can parlay my interview with you into making myself into a Howard Stern meets Elvira persona."

Louis: "Shall we begin like David Copperfield? I am born, I grew up? Or, instead, shall we find a convenient way of reducing this film to about two hours by instead beginning with the year I was born to darkness? I was deeply depressed because of the death of my wife and son in childbirth. And then a vampire came to me, and..."

Malloy: "Bit your neck and turned you into a vampire?"

Louis: "Like Charlotte on season one of Sex and the City referring to copulation as "lovemaking," we prefer to call vampirism the dark gift."

Lestat: "I'm going to give you the choice I never had. Want the marble coffin or the onyx? Now, Louis. You must feed!"

Louis: "Oh. Uh. Er. Got any TruBlood?"

Lestat: "Wuss."

Louis: "I longed to know more, learn about my vampire heritage. But Lestat didn't want to indulge in my angst. I thought of leaving him, but Lestat, like an undead Kato Kaelin, liked hanging around and feeding off my wealth. So after I fed off a little girl, he turned her into a vampire so I wouldn't leave."

Sadako: "How is the Christian right rioting over poor Tango and not saying boo about this?"

Louis: "To me, Claudia was a child. A child with whom I spooned nightly in a coffin."

Michael Jackson: "What a glowing testament to fatherhood!"

Louis: "But to Lestat, she was a prodigy, a cold blooded killer. And to Hollywood, she was the prototype for Hit Girl, Let the Right One In, Ringu, and hundreds of other evil little girl movies.But thirty years had passed and Claudia still had the body of a child. Her eyes alone told the hidden story..."

Claudia: "I'll never go through puberty! I'll never become sexy! I'll never be able to dance about in 19th century garb with my cleavage on display! I want more! I want the chance to star in a slow paced period piece with a bustle and corset that emphasizes my womanly physique!"

Sofia Coppola: "Just wait a few more years..."

Claudia: "You did this to us! You! Let's kill Lestat! Here, Lestat, I brought you two little boys drunk on brandywine. Feast!"

Lestat: "Mmm. I love the taste of offending middlebrow America..."

Claudia: "Psych. They were already dead. And now you will be, too!"

Lestat: "Noo...."

Louis: "Claudia, I don't know about this..."

Cesar Milan: "Rules, boundaries, and limitations!"

Claudia: "Let's dump Lestat in the swamp. Now we can go to Paris and learn about our vampire heritage!"

Lestat: "I'm back! I feasted on reptile blood in the swamp!"

Sadako: "Suddenly Nicole's prosthetic nose in The Hours seems a lot less brave..."

Louis: "He's hideous. New plan. Let's burn him alive, run screaming into the night, and then go learn about our vampire heritage."

Claudia: "Isn't Paris wonderful, Louis?"

Louis: "But no vampires were to be found in the Old World, no matter how hard I looked. And so it was when I gave up my search for another vampire that one finally found me."

Patti Stanger: "It's like I always say. Even the undead can smell desperation a mile away."

Armand: "Hello. Take my, how you say? Ah, yes. Card. Come to Theatre des Vampire. Bring the little one, too. We put on plays where we kill and feast upon the living for a human audience. We like to think we're pioneering reality theatre."

Louis: "Can you tell me more about our heritage and what it really means to be a vampire? And could you possibly cast off my human name, Louis, and give me a more fitting vampire name? There's no way Ann's going to write a human sequel called The Vampire Louis."

Armand: "If by all that you mean ogle you and smile suggestively...then...yes. Oh, and by the way, I know the plot is getting dull again, so it's against our code to kill another vampire, and we know about Lestat. How, you ask? We can read minds."

Claudia: "You would leave me for Armand if he beckoned you!"

Louis: "I would never leave you. And if I did, I'd be extra angsty about it."

Other Vampires: "You killed Lestat! Preapre to die! The little one will be left outside to scorch in the sun, and you will be locked in a box for all eternity just in time for Armand to save you."

Louis: "Claudia! No!"

Armand: "Sorry about Claudia. You want to come upstairs and look at my, how you say? Ah yes. Etchings?"

Louis: "That night, I took my revenge. I set fire to the vampire lair. When I was finished, all but Armand were dead. Also, I had established my reputation as the Uncle Tom of vampires."

Armand: "Come. Stay with me. You are perfection. The embodiment of our tragic century! I will teach you to be...how you say? Ah yes...without regret."

Louis: "No. All I have is my suffering. My regret. And a homosexual vampire relationship just doesn't have the shocking social stigma as a relationship with a seven year old girl vampire. Sorry."

Armand: "How you say? Ah yes. Good bye, Louis."

Louis: "I went back to New Orleans. Things changed. Then it became the new century, and I got to go to movies to be exposed to things that I couldn't experience as a vampire, like sunrises and non-stilted conversation. I'm debating buying a Betamax. Oh, and I saw Lestat again."Malloy:"But...how...?"

Sadako: "Enough Louis/Lestat fanfic writers slit their wrists and said they do believe?"

Lestat: "Louis! Stay with me, don't leave me! I can't bear the new world. All these lights. And the price of frozen blood. Oh, Louis, you're as beautiful and enchanting as ever."

Louis: "Well, that's it."

Malloy: "Brilliant! Now make me a vampire, too! I want to be your companion of the night, like Lestat and Armand."

Louis: "Silly boy. I'm out of your league. Now go start a Weezer tribute band and get these thoughts of vampires out of your head."

Malloy: "Back to playing Magic the Gathering and crying. Holy crap, another vampire!"

Lestat: "For no real remotely logical or plausible reason at all other other than the fact that I'm Ann Rice's Mary Sue, hereeee's Lestat. I'm going to give you the choice I never had."