Ellie Chat June 18: Cheaters and Snoopers

Submit your question for Ellie now, then join her at noon on Wednesday for her advice and insight.

Hi Everyone! Is there a connection between one partner always snooping, and the other actually cheating? Some people say they've been "hounded" into finding love and trust elsewhere. Your thoughts and stories are important to this chat, which starts at noon. Early questions are already being posted. I look forward to yours!

by Ellie6/18/2014 1:49:49 PM

My wife works in a field with many men. It’s impossible for me to know if any of her meeting and late-nights are not really work-related. I started wondering about it when she withdrew from what had once been our active sex life. When I finally confronted her, she said she’d turned off because I’d been cold (this was true during a brief period when I was depressed because I’d been laid off, but I was fine after I found a new job). Two years later, I now know from snooping that she had an affair, it ended, she started another but agreed to counselling. I can’t see that it’ll help us because she still blames me for all of it. I had to snoop to get to this point and would like to stay together for our son’s sake, but don’t feel any hope.

by Working dad6/18/2014 1:56:37 PM

Snooping’s the only way you can start to trust someone. I’ve had a few relationships where guys say it’s “just a friend” on the phone, or they’re working late, etc. and it always turns out they’re cheating. No one’s going to admit it right off, so you have to follow your instinct and check up on them.

by Rita6/18/2014 1:57:17 PM

Interesting poll so far: More people would leave some small suspicions go rather than continually snoop. (#1) And the reason is also in the poll (#3): Snooping is demeaning to the person playing sleuth, even if they find something. Join the chat, and you may change your mind on some of this. And remember, it's anonymous.

by Ellie6/18/2014 3:49:35 PM

Welcome All! One woman found the evidence through snooping, then went straight to a lawyer to end things. A man says his wife’s jealousy and in security drove him into another’s arms. We learn from each others’ experiences, the chat’s anonymous so feel free to share yours. I’ll answer the early questions first, then yours.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:00:08 PM

Working dad – Counselling won’t work if you go there without hope. Your past depression may’ve been brief, but your coldness may have hurt her far more than you realized. Nevertheless, her bouncing from one affair to another is just as hurtful to you in return.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:00:55 PM

This could be exactly the right time for counselling together, where both of you can air your disappointments and hurts, and hear how the other feels too.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:01:18 PM

If you keep your eyes, ears and mind open, and allow a little light into your heart, it’s possible even after an affair for a couple to reach a deeper understanding, compassion, and connection. Worth giving it a try.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:01:32 PM

Rita - After a few of these experiences, you should have a pretty sharp instinct. So why bother spending your time checking? To be honest, this repeat pattern suggests you’re sub-consciously attracted to players, or that you get involved deeply with guys way before you have any trust.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:02:18 PM

It’s a common mistake of younger daters to go for looks only, or the excitement of someone who’s already had a lot of girlfriends. But experience should make you smarter, more wary of players.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:02:33 PM

Check up on your own selectivity skills when dating, before you accept that every relationship requires you to spy.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:02:54 PM

Lots of questions coming in, but any comments for Working Dad or Rita?

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:03:17 PM

Well I know this topic well. I trusted my ex but when I saw him having the wandering eye when we went out, it made me think.. is he cheating on me? I ended up accusing him and he said no. But months later I found out he did (when we broke up briefly). He blamed me for always accusing him so if I was accusing him, why not just do it. We still have our versions to this day but in the end, it is hard to rebuild once the trust is broken. We tried but in the end, he couldn't commit to me and that doesn't help. If he can't say we are exclusive, it just means he is keeping his options open and I shouldn't have to deal with it anymore. It would just drive me insane.. It hurts but no one deserves to be wondering if the relationship is exclusive or not. You should just know!

by samantha6/18/2014 4:03:54 PM

oh i found out he cheated by checking his phone.

by samantha6/18/2014 4:04:16 PM

Samantha – You raise an interesting point about the “wandering eye.” Since he ended up cheating, you would feel justified for always thinking he would, and for checking his phone.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:04:41 PM

But, in general, it’s a debatable issue whether, if a partner looks at other attractive people, if that means he/she will cheat. I believe that if a partner looks and shares with you what’s obvious, as in, hey, isn’t that woman terrifically tall, or omg, she’s so buxom, it’s not always a sign of a cheater.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:04:57 PM

But back to your real story of cheating…do you think it’s possible that you did accuse him enough to push him away? Or do you think you always knew he was likely to fool around?

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:05:26 PM

my wife and i have not had sex for several months she has no affection but continous to carry on the marrige as nothing is wrong we plan everything but she detached herseff from me so i stay any until she comes to me and reattach herself to me what do you think? mr confussed

by james6/18/2014 4:05:39 PM

James – Think back to what might’ve affected her mood several months ago – for example, any problem between you two that caused a fight or distance, trouble with finances, her work, a parent’s illness, etc.

by Ellie edited by life6/18/2014 4:06:13 PM

If you can think of nothing, then ask her directly – without accusation – what has happened that has her withdrawn. Don’t make your inquiry and comments about sex. If she’s hurting for some reason, that’ll sound like selfish interest only.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:06:32 PM

Say that you miss her and want to re-connect, because you love and care about her. Hopefully, that’ll get her talking. If not, then say that you can’t work on anything between you if she pretends nothing’s different, when you both know that she’s dropped all affection and, as her partner, you should be told why.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:06:58 PM

How have others handled the Silent Treatment?

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:07:17 PM

Snooping is not lack of trust, it is lack of self-confidence. And it is not an act of love, but selfishness. It is about YOU not your partner.

If you do your best for your relationship, there is no need for snooping. Your time and energy will be much better spent in improving the relationship with your partner.

And yes, you may do your best and still be cheated on. It is a risk you have to take, but much smaller than the risk of pushing someone away by trying to control his/her every step.

by Luis6/18/2014 4:08:00 PM

Luis – I’m mostly with you on this. Though some people are just that insecure from the start, and others set themselves up for lacking confidence by getting involved with people they already think are players.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:08:58 PM

But even though you and I agree on your view, here’s what a January 2013 poll by the Daily Mail newspaper shows: Snooping through a partner's cell phone is now the top reason why cheating and affairs are exposed.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:09:24 PM

I was never a snooper but my intuition started giving me hints. It took a while but eventually a log in was left open and voila, cheating evidence. I was glad to have the confirmation although it was/is a horrible situation. We are finally in counselling. Do I regret snooping? Not at all. I would hate to not know despite the havoc it's created and we can now try to figure out what caused behaviour and can we move beyond it.

by Pandy6/18/2014 4:09:50 PM

Pandy – Good to hear that you saw this as an opportunity to repair the relationship. You listened to your gut, but felt you needed evidence before confronting.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:10:20 PM

Going to counselling is a wise move, if you both are willing to try, and believe you have a basis for trying to stay together.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:10:41 PM

Remember that what “caused the behaviour” is not just about accusations and blame as to who did what wrong to whom. It’s also about each other’s backgrounds, and fears, and old patterns witnessed as a child, and how people handle stress and far more.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:11:01 PM

Stick with the counselling long enough to understand these factors about each other and have a chance for a deeper relationship than ever before.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:11:19 PM

I met a guy online and things are going great so far. Over dinner a few months ago, he told me about his previous ex's he had a few years ago and how one cheated on him and how one lied to him. He tells me that he doesn't trust females and I understand why.I'm very patient and it seems like he wants to be able to trust again and enter into a relationship but i know it will take some time. I can see a possibility of making a relationship work and I want things to happen naturally.How does one go about dealing with a guy who doesn't trust females?

by TorontoGirl6/18/2014 4:11:31 PM

Interesting question. You need to help him define that he doesn't trust certain females and to think about what he missed noticing about those two women when he was dating them. Also he has to think about what he was doing in those relationships, if there was anything he contributed or they were just untrustworthy, period.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:13:13 PM

From that conversation, you can build on more chatting about what kind of person you are....if you've always been loyal, how you manage your relationships or friendships with ex'es, how you've broken up in the past etc.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:14:16 PM

Anyone else have suggestions for her? How to get a guy who doesn't trust, to trust?

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:14:44 PM

Is there a connection between mistrust and cheating? My wife has been jealous, suspicious, insecure, accusatory, for all our 22 years together, until I finally sought refuge with a warm, caring woman who didn’t ask questions, and just understood that for her specific reasons and mine, we needed each other. She’s been my “other woman” for seven years now, and if I had to choose, it wouldn’t be hard if it weren’t for my kids who are young adults completing their education. I know you’ll disagree that I was “forced” into cheating, but I was a decent, honest, faithful husband until I couldn’t take it any more.

by Forced out6/18/2014 4:15:19 PM

Forced Out – Okay, you’re an adult who was forced to cheat. OR, you didn’t have the guts to leave, even though you had solid reasons to do so. A jealous, accusatory wife is unquestionably a difficult partner. And she must’ve contributed her insecurity and unpleasantness to the kids’ environment too.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:15:57 PM

Not to blame you alone, but you might’ve shown your children a more positive model of home life by leaving and finding happiness with someone else, without cheating.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:16:43 PM

You can still do that…but it should be soon.

by Ellie6/18/2014 4:17:10 PM

To answer your question Ellie, When I blew up at him for the wandering eye and if he was cheating, we broke up and then made up. When we made up, I told him not to cheat on me and if he wanted out, he can, just let me know. Everything was great. but one fateful night, I decided to check his phone (his is like 3 months after this conversation), I saw him texting this girl around the time we got back together. Although he would deny that he was sleeping with both of us at the same time. I told him no matter how bad the truth was, I just wanted the truth. He claims until this day that he never slept with us at the same time but things didn't add up so the trust is broken. We did try to move forward but after asking him if he pictured a future with us, being exclusive, he couldn't answer the question. So even though we tried to move forward, I just wanted reassurance. Something he could not give so i decided to leave so I don't get paranoid. I so loved him with all my heart but if he can't define what we are after 2 years (on and off) and everything we have been through, then what more can I girl do.

by samantha6/18/2014 4:17:29 PM

I get it, and understand. I see that you were clear with him about what you could accept and what you couldn't, and I believe that's key in a relationship. Some people cannot accept a friendship with ex'es. Others don't find that a problem, it's an individual thing. But it has to be stated.