I Don’t Know How….or Not

My assignment, for this week off of therapy, is to write about how it makes ME feel to know/own the abuse from my dad. I don’t know where to start or even how to begin writing out my feelings. I have shared many times that, for me, anger is BAD and having emotions is NOT allowed. It’s a long standing, etched into my brain, default mode message I’ve always believed. Every time I attempt to get the journal out, instantaneously, the twinge of a migraine reminds me to put it all away. I don’t know how to do this or maybe…I really don’t want to do this!

Even as I type this post, I feel the tears beginning to take shape from behind my eyes, my chest tightening as if someone presently took a seat there, and my throat feeling like it is being squeezed shut. I despise the the way this makes me feel inside. My parts have done this same type of work, they are brave, courageous, trusting, and incredibly strong; what is wrong with ME??

Logically, it makes me mad that it happened and it is normal to cry about such horrible things. I would tell anyone going through similar events, these are necessary steps for healing. The more you speak about it, out loud, the more freedom and healing you receive. I know all those things, and yet, I simply cannot move forward. AHHHHHHH

Obviously, I can still find a bit of humor along the way. God is faithful and I know His mighty hand is on me, my family and our journey. He provides for us in every area of my life, so I cannot doubt that, especially right now.

As I prepare for this upcoming week of- “trying to journal”, having no therapy, pretending that “I’m good” without the therapy, experiencing panic/anxiety since Thursday, and wondering when the next migraine will arrive- I can’t loose sight that I’m going to be “okay” with it all. I know I’m not the only one who struggles like this, one day doing well, the next day feeling like my world is crashing around me, and white knuckling through, just to say, “I got this” or “I don’t need help”!!