Friday, 28 May 2010

Vote 1 Beatrice

So, word on the cat front: Harriet has embarked on an exciting career as an experimental physicist (take one glass of water, observe, enact deliberate sideways swipe of paw, measure resultant hydrocity, remain scientifically skeptical of so-called law of gravity and repeat experiment when opportunity presents). Beatrice, meanwhile, has been non-consensually entered into a Perhaps - Certainly from the Tuna's Point of View - Pretty Darn Sinister Cat Food Sponsored beauty contest. For which beauty contest, N.B., victory is assured, especially if this blog's intrepid band of readers - yes, all four of you - contribute your electoral goodwill. That's right, all Bea needs to win $10,000 and her rightful place on the marketing material for Whiskas' Oh So Gelatinous! is the help of four ordinary, decent voters, four voters prepared to cast a hundred votes from a hundred IP addresses every day for ten consecutive days. If that sounds like your cup of lactose-reduced, go hence. One of the world's two loveliest kittens thanks you, or would, had she actually agreed to the latest installment in my regime of catsploitation.

In other catly news, Ben Pobjie - of the soon-to-be tragically moldering New Matilda - penned the following pome in exchange for fifty (50) dollars ($), that is, AU$50, a mere half of a hundred dollars, which actually pretty negligible sum (buys a lot of lentils, sure, but not many movie tickets), is going towards his campaign to get himself a berth at the 2011 Melbourne Comedy Festival, which I understand takes a great many lentils indeed. Here is his poem. I'm not sure about the closing couplet (Bea & Harry are both committed egalitarians), but I think the bit about the korma rivals P. B. Shelley at his least vegetarian.

Take it away, Pobjie:

Two sistersBoth alike in dignityExcept for one, who is small and weedyBut the big one is definitely alike in dignityIf you get my drift

Two sistersBoth alike in furFur of different colours, but similar consistencyLike a plate of butter chicken, sitting next to a plate of goat kormaDifferent to look at, but similar to rub on your faceAlso different to taste

Two sistersDifferent to tasteDo not try to eat themYou willRegret itThey will scratch your throat out

They have done it beforeOne time Harriet was at the vet And the vet performed certain actionsAnd lo, it was proved, the truth of that ancient aphorism writ large on the papyrus of history:One man’s routine medical procedure is another man’s unprovoked sexual batteryEspecially, as Diogenes said, if one man is a female catWhich was probably more common in ancient Greece than it is nowAnd so Harriet took back the night

Because cats are all about rebellionIt was cats who built civilisationWhen in Egypt of old they raised the pyramids and manipulated the pharaohsWhen monuments and ornaments were built for their gloryAnd they basked every day in fish and milkWhen even the very reeds of the Nile trembled at their approachAnd did their biddingNot that having reeds do your bidding is of that much useReeds have poor musculatureAnd no limbsSo the range of tasks they are suited for is minimal

But other did their bidding alsoThe cats were rulersAnd still they rule

Yes, I've been saying Percy Bish Shelley in public for a couple of years now, so hoping I'm right. Those English names of inscrutable pronunciation - Beauchamp (Beech'm), St. John (Sinjun), etc - the most brutal tools of cultural initiation you could devise, since the sheer slog of reading won't get you access to these special truths - you have to have been in the presence of them's that already know.

However he came across Ann O'Dyne, will forever remain a mystery, but, an excellent blogger who documents Unintended Use has spotted Beatrice in Drawer-As-Catbed and asked to use it.

His blog highlight is a litterbin in Amsterdam where birds have nested and the council has a sign asking people NOT to put litter in it. Maybe they are so sweet cos they stoned off their little Dutch faces?It sure wouldn't happen in Melbourne.2.Have YOU voted today for Beatrice?

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About Me

Alexis, Baron von Harlot, is self-appointed Chronicler Laureate to the principality of Lalor, Victoria, Australia, including the lesser adjoining suburbs of Epping and Thomastown, and wherever she happens to be, really. These annals relay her keenly observed observations on matters floral, faunal, anthropological, protozoic, and thingy, with reference to the backyard, down the road, geopolitics, and the complete works of Jeanette Winterson.