Kris Humphries

Aw, Kris Humphries. Now we feel sort of terrible for some of the hilariously mean things we said about you. Last week we were laughing cruelly right alongside Kim Kardashian after hearing that your new ex-girlfriend Myla Sinanaj was allegedly pregnant (though Kim probably didn’t accidentally spray her monitor with Arby’s when she started guffawing about it). Turns out? We were all enjoying our schadenfreude a little prematurely. “Uhhh ooooo Loook No babyy bump! ‪#Shocker‬ yes I’m a thick curvy girl *All natural I’m comfortable in my skin,” Sinanaj tweeted yesterday, in addition to photographic evidence of her complete lack of a baby bump. So, unless Myla can suck it in harder than anyone has ever sucked it in…we’re pretty sure Kris is off the hook on this one.

As if that wasn’t enough for us to start feeling Humphries’ pain, RadarOnline reports that during their marriage, Kim would all but shove her life partner off the red carpet in order to get herself a good photo opp. “Kris plans on testifying at the upcoming divorce trial that Kim would often tell him to get out of the shot when photographers would descend upon them,” their source claims. “Kim would complain that because of Kris’ height, he was blocking the photographers clear shot of her. Kim would get very upset if he didn’t move quickly enough.” Yeah, that sounds…incredibly plausible. Incredibly plausible and mean. Well, we guess we misjudged you, Humphries, and for that we’re….oh, wait, there’s still all that weird stuff about trying to silence Myla after your break-up. Plus how you acted on Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Plus a bunch of other unpleasantness that will undoubtedly come out during the divorce aaaaaaaand now we’re ready to laugh again! Thank goodness! It’s the only thing that makes us feel alive.

If you had told us the Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries divorce was going to be a disaster, we would have shaken your hand, happy to meet Captain Obvious of the U.S.S. No Duh You Guys Come On. How wrong we were to underestimate mankind’s ability to turn everything into an even bigger trainwreck than we’d imagined. Let that be humanity’s greatest legacy! As for Kris Humphries’ legacy, he will have his basketball career, his 72-day-long marriage to a Kardashian of his choosing and, according to TMZ, a child he allegedly conceived with recent ex-girlfriend Myla Sinanaj. Oh Kris. You (allegedly) done goofed.

While every baby is a blessing (especially to Kim Kardashian, who is probably rolling around on a pile of Kanye‘s summer minks and laughing right now), it wasn’t that long ago that Kris and Myla were publicly at each other’s throats over her right to even refer to herself as his girlfriend. Humphries was allegedly concerned that having a new relationship would negatively affect the financial outcome of his divorce from Kim, though he probably should have been concerned about all the unprotected sex he was allegedly having with other ladies. TMZ reports that Myla is approximately three months pregnant and certain that the child is Kris’. More importantly, it’s not Kim’s! Enjoy a good laugh with you can, girl. There’s no telling what insane-o detail will emerge tomorrow!

The Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries divorce proceedings just keep getting juicier. According to TMZ, Humphries’ alleged former girlfriend Myla Sinanaj has evidence that Humphries bashed Kim numerous times throughout their conversations and text messages. Apparently, the NJ Nets player told Myla that Kris Jenner staged Kim’s infamous sex tape with Ray J — as in, the one that made Kardashian a household name — and even took a double take to get the perfect shot. If this weren’t bad enough, TMZ also reports that Myla has texts in which Humphries calls her “the love of his life” and tells her he wants to hurry the divorce so they can “spend the rest of their time on earth together.”

As we reported earlier, Kardashian has subpoenaed Sinanaj to get just this kind of damaging info. And if any of these texts turn out to be real, they could have serious repercussions for Humphries in the divorce proceedings, as Humphries’ whole argument rests on the fact that Kim ruined him emotionally by faking what he thought was a real marriage. Not to mention that they seriously add a whole new ew factor to the 72-day union.

Humphries’ questionable relationship with Myla is also kind of ruining any sympathy he could have gained as the heartbroken husband. While Kim has been out flaunting her relationship with Kanye, Humphries has not only left a voicemail for Myla asking her to stop calling herself his girlfriend, but has also claimed that she was prostituting herself to clients at the hotel where she works. Between that and these sex tape allegations, we kind of want to take a shower right now and scrub our eyeballs with bleach.

We’ll readily admit that we are complete ghouls and goblins for looking forward to the Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries divorce proceedings. We can just tell they’re going to be insane! How are we so certain? According to TMZ, Kim Kardashian just subpoenaed Kris Humphries’ alleged ex-girlfriend Myla Sinanaj to find out what, if any, dirty secrets Myla might have learned while dating Kim’s soon-to-be-former husband; Sinanaj’s lawyer Joe Tacopina said his client would comply with the request. On a related note, if you hear maniacal cackling and the smell of brimstone over the next few months, you can pretty much guarantee that’s us!

While we initially didn’t understand why Humphries would try to keep his lady friend Myla under wraps (Kim gave Kanye a $380,000 birthday Lamborghini and doesn’t seem to care who knows it), TMZ postulates that Myla might have some information regarding Humphries’ claim that Kardashian defrauded him. Or as they put it, “did he blow his cover during pillow talk?” In that case, Kris’ paranoia makes some sense. Man, money makes everything complicated, doesn’t it? We are so luckily to be single and broke as a joke. Hey…we’ve never typed that sentence before. There’s an upside to everything after all!

Honestly, we felt a little bad for Kris Humphries after that whole married-to-Kim Kardashian-for-72-days thing. Public break-ups are always embarrassing, and it’s easy to make someone look bad on reality TV. Which is why we cut him some slack when he came off looking like such a goon on Keeping Up With The Kardashians. The more we learn about Humphries’ feud with ex-maybe-girlfriend Myla Sinanaj, however, the more we’re convinced that he is, in fact, just a complete asshat. Case in point: according to Sinanaj’s lawyer Joe Tacopina, Kris and his lawyers claimed that Myla was basically prostituting herself to clients at the hotel where she’s employed in an attempt to get Myla to keep quiet about their alleged relationship. 72 days of marriage with this guy? We can barely take 72 minutes of such awfulness.

Meanwhile, TMZ reports that the hotel did their own investigation of the scandalous allegations against Sinanaj and determined that they were false. First of all…ew. Second of all, why would Kris even bother with this public drama? To avoid having to admit he’s been dating someone during his divorce proceedings? That certainly hasn’t stopped Kim and Kanye from shmoodling all over the continental United States. We really didn’t understand why any of this unnecessary fighting was going on in the first place…until we considered that Kris might actually just be a bona fide jerk. Allegedly! That might be the the only reasonable explanation. And even then? It’s completely unreasonable!

It sounds like Kris Humphries and Myla Sinanaj never had that conversation. You know, the one where they decide to date each other exclusively and slam each other’s ex-fathers-in-law on Twitter. Or maybe they did, and Kris forgot to inform his lawyer? The gossips say the b-baller and the 25-year-old hotel employee have been dating since January, but his reps say he hasn’t dated anyone since his breakup with Kim Kardashian. Anyway, Sinanaj, who was snapped on the beach with Humphries just last Saturday and has been in the tabs nonstop ever since, got a nasty wake-up call yesterday. According to RadarOnline, the New Jersey Nets player’s lawyer, Lee Hutton, left Myla a voicemail yesterday asking her to stop calling herself his girlfriend.

“There are text messages between Kris and Myla which clearly prove that she is lying about being his girlfriend,” a source told the site. “Kris’ lawyer has also drafted a cease and desist letter that he will be sending to Myla which will also order her to stop making these claims. The timing of Myla making these claims is wreaking havoc on his upcoming divorce proceedings, because he will most certainly be asked about dating her during his upcoming deposition.”

We wonder what kind of havoc could be caused in Kris’ divorce, really. Does the law make a distinction between hookups and girlfriends?

Animal Planet shows don’t feature as much clawing as this situation has. The grand dismantling of Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian’s very brief nuptials is still high on drama. The latest boxing bout between them is over all the wedding swag they amassed. Kim is already donating $200,000 to the Dream Foundation, which is reportedly twice the worth of all her wedding gifts. Unfortunately, her charitable turn doesn’t sit well with her ex. Kris reckons that Kim has to return every single item to every gift-giver as she has no right to keep any of the gifts at all.

Sources tell TMZ that while Kris thinks her giving to charity is great, it’s not enough, because their guests spent their money on those gifts and Kim keeping them is just unfair. What do you think FabFolk? What’s the correct etiquette here? We’re sure a lot of people spent a bomb on those gifts, so should they be given back to them? One of those people, by the way, is Jonathan Cheban, who happens to be Kim’s BFF. Apart from giving Kim a present, he also gave Kris a $5,000 certificate to YSL, which he’s never offered to return! Cheban says he was OK with them keeping their presents, but now thinks Kris is a complete hypocrite because he has not returned any given to him. That gift card ain’t coming back, honey! And as long as he’s keeping his wedding gifts, what right does he have to criticize Kim keeping hers?

Yep, this is a wise, wise way to shut up those who thought Kim Kardashian married Kris Humphries just for profit: She’s donating $200,000, twice the worth of her wedding gifts, to the Dream Foundation, according to TMZ. The site obtained a letter reportedly sent to all the guests at her August wedding that reads, “It has taken me some time to pull everything together but I wanted to let you know that the money for every gift received by me at my wedding has been donated to the Dream Foundation.”

Dream Foundation does for terminally ill adults what Make-A-Wish does for kids, granting them everything from dream vacations to paying for their family’s heating bills. A letter from the organization, also obtained by TMZ, says, Read more…

Love never dies, but it sure took a battering this year! Celebrity couples of every age and stripe dropped like flies in 2011! From long-term unions like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver, all the way down to the ones that can be measured in a television season (*cough* Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries *cough*), Hollywood could have used a giant couples’ therapy session. There were affairs, secret children, super fights, Twitter drama, ugly court cases and sometimes all of those combined. For these couples it wasn’t domestic bliss but domestic blitz! But don’t feel bad if you’ve made the list, guys. Just think of it as a giant singles ad. (You’re welcome!)

As the great philosopher Pat Benatar once said, “Love is a battlefield.” Check out some of this year’s casualties of Cupid in the gallery below. It’s truly a star-studded cast, with Marc Anthony and J.Lo, George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis, Demi and Ashton and oh so many more. Pick up your crazy hearts and try again in ’12, folks!

Good Morning America‘s Josh Elliott really earned his pay today, when he sat down with Kris Humphries and his mom, Debra Humphries, for Kris’ first interview since Kim Kardashian filed for divorce. As Elliott asked about the split, Kris responded again and again with the words “focused,” “basketball,” “moving forward,” “family” and “my foundation” — just rearranged for each question. And still Elliott pressed on.

To a question about what Humphries hopes to gain by filing for an annulment, he said, “Right now I’m focused on basketball; other things will take care of themselves. It’s a great day for the NBA and the fans, for most people camp starts today at 4 p.m. Hopefully I’ll be on a team soon and get ready to go.”Read more…