In Moby Dick, Melville’s sailors refer to it as the “grandissimus,” and Ishmael describes it as a “cassock.” The sailor charged with chopping the whale blubber into manageable chunks to be boiled down skins it, turns the skin inside out, cuts arm holes into it, and wears it as a smock. “It” is the whale’s penis. Yum.

Apparently not content with simply swaddling themselves in grandissimus, the Russian industrialists at Dartz have cloaked the interior of their Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition armored SUV with whale-penis leather. Additionally, this $1.5-million armored truck comes with gauges made from tungsten and white gold and studded with diamonds and rubies, plus three bottles of the world’s most expensive vodka.

But back to what’s important: Where do they get whale penis? How soft is whale penis compared to, you know, normal cow’s leather? Can I get pregnant from sitting on whale penis? We can’t tell you. At least you know it’s waterproof.

If you’re worried about the crew of Whale Wars chasing you down and throwing chemical balloons at you to spoil your interior, just roll up those gold-plated bulletproof windows. That’s right. Gold-plated bulletproof windows. Because, you know, whale-penis interiors and gold-plated bulletproof windows go together like . . . wow. There’s no way to make that any weirder, is there? Try reading the full text of the rest of the release below for more gems. Then click around www.dartz.eu for even greater laughs.

Official Press Release:

Presentation at Top Marques Monaco 2010!

World Most Expensive Armored Car!

World Strongest Armored Car!

World Most Luxury Armored Car!

Armored Car which was driven and used by Russian Tzar Nikolai II.

Armored Car which was a tribune for new commy Tzar Lenin at 1917.

Armored Car which was last soviet car of Trozky.

They Drive It!

You – can!

World Oldest Armored car brand which is reincarnated in UberLuxury status and returns to shoock this World again.