married musicians aiming to keep marriage on top

brazjazzMarch 26, 2006

Hi, any musicians out there or other sort of artists? We are both jazz musicians and both have full time professional work outside of music (medicine and teaching), so we are both pretty busy and intent on these things. At the same time, we've been married 15 years and aim to keep that going for life. At the same time, I am seeing an increasing difference between us in the wish to really share things intimately. As if there is a difference in the priority we each hold for our relationship in relation to everything else. We have both always been active, creative, involved in things. This seems more or less new, maybe a developmental change. We are in our 50's, nobody seems depressed, there's no substance abuse, no infidelity, no drastic change in our life, thank goodness. Our daughter's graduating college in a month and doing well. No obvious reason for what seems to be an increasing chasm between us. I've been trying to bring this to attention but to no avail. Patience is good, but in truth, I'd say this has been going on for several years, just steadily slowly increasing in the distance between us. With all the good things we have around us and all the great things we do, such good fortune, I hate to see this happening and just don't know what I might do to find a change. Yes, we've tried marriage counseling and yes I've probably read about 20 books or more on the subject of marriage and so on.

Wow,so nice to read about someone so similer.Spouse and I used to play music for a living.he now works full time in a different field,as do I.I am interested in maintaining a foot in music because my current job is physical and I don't know how long I can hope to work.He has lost total interest in playing music because he never hit the big time.The difference?I like to sing and play regardless of fame and fortune.I have had huge problems with him berating me each and every time I go out to play.It is not as bad as it was when I first began playing again,but it is still not great.I think most marriages of duration are marked by periods of being closer and more distant.We have different interests,and don't grow emotionally at the same rate.I know many people that trade in the spouse every time interest seems to ebb.Fortunately I married late enough in life to recognize that I would reach this stage eventually with anybody.My resistence to change is what keeps me around.I know that my spouse requires much more positive reassurance than I do, though,and so my personal challenge is to try and remember to toss him a bone often enough.As far as the communication chasm,we see things from such totally different angles ,and I have learned that if I don't want to have to defend my ideas for hours on end until I give in and agree with his view,I keep my mouth shut.Attacking the opposing view is not uncommon behavior.Could that be a reason that there is a chasm?
Btw,do you play together,or seperately?What instruments?We are both guitar players.Have played all kinds of music with spouse,but I prefer jazz.We are on year 19 of marriage with child one graduating from college,child two graduating from high school,and one more currently in middle school.

In fact was once so selfish thought for sure I'd do it for a living and wouldn't ever want/need a spouse to make me happy. Boy was I soooo wrong.

My wife isn't a musician but lovinging accepted my life as someone who loves to play (drums and piano - all styles) as a serious hobby. Local music scene is bad so no issue of clubbing. Play private parties (about 10/year), session work in a friend's recording studio as the calls come in and play with a trio in my own house 2x month.