Monday, January 2nd, 2006

2006 Predictions

“Who broke my leg? Ain’t saying, bitch!”

5) With his movie and videogame on sale at used media stores for less than 2 quarters apiece, and no one left to pick a beef with, 50 Cent shoots himself in the thigh before releasing his new album, “10 Times: How Ya Like Me Now?”

4) Miss Jones leaves Hot 97 to become press secretary of the conservative think-tank, the Heritage Foundation. Asked about her lack of academic credentials, Heritage executives scoff, “We never cared about those. Plus she did more for us in 4 hours every morning than an army of rapid-response publicists working around the clock.”

3) MC Big Bank Hank is executed by the state of New Jersey. Opponents of his execution say that he deserved a commutation of his death sentence because he had redeemed himself. Proponents said he was the co-founder of the notorious Sugar Hill Gang, and he never apologized for “Rapper’s Delight”.

2) Clear Channel, Viacom, Microsoft, the New York Yankees, the New Times, and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants merge.

1) Republican Party stalwarts Karl Rove and Scooter Libby feature prominently in a hot new direct-to-the-streets DVD, Stop Snitching: The White House Edition. Their pictures appear on a popular line of t-shirts that say “We’ll never tell!”

50 snitch, i mean 50 cent, is constantly trying to ‘out-gangsta’ himself. It says alot about an artist who has to ‘shoot himself in the foot’ to generate record sales, how far will he sacrifice the aunthenticity of rap lyrics for money and fame?

Mark Fischer :: Capitalist RealismK-Punk’s philosophical manifesto reads like his blog, snappy and compelling. Just replace pop music with post-post-Marxism. Pair with Josh Clover’s 1989 for the full hundred.