Name: Lindsay:Question: Three weeks ago I was bored on vacation and decided to download tinder to meet some cute guys to party with or potentially hook up with. I ended up meeting this guy named Jon. At first glance I thought he was just another hockey boy with not much going up there. We got drunk and hooked up and it was the best time of my life (it’s not the first time I’ve hooked up with guys on vacation so that wasn’t the reason being). As our night continued we spilled our hearts to each other and shared our deepest secrets, thoughts and fears and we clicked like we had known each other all of our lives. We met up again two days later and I spent the day with him and his friends. Later on in the night we met up and attempted round two to which he couldn’t perform. He ended up leaving his friends and taking me to one of the hotel bars where he taught me to play pool and we laughed and danced and he bragged to his buddy bartender he met that week about how incredible and beautiful he thought I was. After a few more drinks he confessed to me that he couldn’t go through with the deed because he used to be that scummy guy who hooked up with women and broke hearts and at first our hook up was just that and then he started having feelings for me and wanted to keep me away from his friends who hadn’t gotten over that stage yet (he had a life changing experience that made him become more of a man a year prior). Although he is from a city 4 hours from me he moved to the other side of the country for work and doesn’t come home often anymore. I know he had an ex girlfriend who hurt him badly while he was away 6 months prior so he is afraid to do long distance. I have not contacted him since but think about him every day and all of the kind things he said to me and the moments we shared and how he helped me realize I deserve so much from the right person. It hurts me that I can’t let him go and truthfully I don’t want to because he’s had a lasting effect on me. What do I do?

Thank you,

LindsayAge: 26

I’m not really sure there’s anything you can do. The brutal reality of the situation is this guy doesn’t appear to have made any attempt to stay in touch with you. That and he totally has a girlfriend. A far more likely explanation as to why he isolated you from his friends is that they all know his girlfriend and he doesn’t want to risk looking like that scummy guy he swore he wasn’t. Oh, and his inability to perform? Drugs and booze. Since so many men associate masculinity with sexual performance, he didn’t want you to think there was anything wrong with him so he gave you some sob story about not wanting to be “that guy.” Only, he’s totally that guy.

As our night continued we spilled our hearts to each other and shared our deepest secrets, thoughts and fears and we clicked like we had known each other all of our lives.

Something very important to understand: it’s far easier to be emotionally intimate with someone when you know you’re never going to see them again. The experiences you just described happen in movies, not in real life. In real life, after the two lovers bare their souls to each other, they part ways and one of them sits by the phone waiting for a text that never comes. This guy didn’t open up to you because he felt this overwhelming comfort; he did it because he didn’t care what you thought and he enjoyed talking about himself.

After a few more drinks he confessed to me that he couldn’t go through with the deed because he used to be that scummy guy who hooked up with women and broke hearts and at first our hook up was just that and then he started having feelings for me

You know how I know this guy is scummy? Because he told you he used to be a scummy guy. No one genuine in their intentions is going to tell you they used to be a total trainwreck or awful. They’re going to keep that stuff from you until they feel safe. This guy told you he used to be a sleaze because he wanted you to feel special because he was embarrassed he couldn’t get it up or because he couldn’t go through with cheating on his girlfriend again.

As cynical as this sounds, when an encounter seems to good to be true, it usually is. He knew he would never see you again, so he was more open with you than if he was going to pass you in the hallway at work. That openness created a false sense of intimacy. That’s what you’re having a hard time shaking. What can you do? First, forget about this guy because you’re never going to hear from him again. Second, get back out there. Maybe don’t jump back onto to Tinder, but be social. I’m not at all suprised to hear you met this guy on Tinder while on vacation. That alone is a red flag that someone is just looking to get laid. Go to the gym, attend a book signing, try wine tasting. Get away from the apps and dating sites for awhile.

You’ve convinced yourself of a connection that doesn’t exist. That’s a hard truth to face, but an important one.

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

Question: This is a long one – but I need some insight into what happened within this six week relationship. Th ending is unbelievable to me. I keep replaying it over and over in my head trying to figure out what went wrong. I REALLY liked this guy.

I met Bryan on an online dating app. He is 39, never married, no kids. I don’t like messaging back and forth so we matched, made plans, and went out on a Friday night shortly after.

It was the best online date I have had. He planned this ridiculous beer hopping date hitting spots all over town. The date lasted five hours! I have no problem sleeping with someone on the first date if there’s chemistry (which I RARELY feel and so never do). At the end of the night, I invited myself back to his place and we hooked up. It was amazing. We hooked up again the next morning and had breakfast at a spot by my house. He kissed me goodbye and said he would be in touch.

True to his word, he texted me that same day saying he had a great time and made plans to see me that next weekend. Our 2nd date was even better. I spent the night at his house again after a long date of Halloween fun (haunted houses, drinks, dinner). The morning after he surprised me by inviting me to take a road trip an hour away to spend the day in a cool part of town. I accepted and I had my first 24 hour date! It was amazing.

The chemistry and fun was still there on the 3rd film festival date that next weekend. I had to be at the airport early the next morning so I wasn’t expecting to spend the night with him (plus I was on my period). When I told him this, he said…”Well, this is a good time to talk about whether this is only sexual or not.” I told him that I liked him and that I don’t usually hook up with people on a first date. He said he liked me too, and that he still wanted me to come over. It was a great night. He also drops me off at the airport that morning! We texted my entire trip and as soon as I got back we made plans to get together in a few days.

By this time it felt like we we’re enjoying each other’s company no matter what we were doing. The 4th date was casual and during the week on a Thursday. I had a busy day so got to his place around 9. We grabbed dinner and I spent the night. I didn’t have to work the next morning (I work super early and he doesn’t) so we slept in and enjoyed the morning together. He even asked me about the holidays (Thanksgiving) and gave me the impression he wanted to see me that day.

I invited him to see my friend’s band play that following Tuesday. He showed up, met my friends, and charmed their pants off. But within an hour he said he had to leave to meet a buddy. This caught me off guard because I assumed we would be going home together like we usually did. He didn’t tell me he could only stay an hour. I brushed it off and hugged him goodbye.

He continued to text me the rest of the week but wasn’t making any plans. Up until now, he was always great about making plans. On Thursday, I asked him if he wanted to get together over the weekend and he said he was busy. He gave me valid reasons, and offered to grab dinner on Friday. Since it was Thursday, I had plans for that evening, which I told him. He asked if I wanted to get together sometime that next week.

At this point, I’m getting upset because I’m used to him being enthusiastic about seeing me and not being so vague. It’s been almost four weeks now of dating. I confront him by expressing that I was starting to feel confused about what we were doing. That I liked him and wanted to keep seeing him, so of course I wanted to get together soon. He said he wanted to talk in person and that the feeling was mutual. We scheduled a time to grab a quick meal before my plans Friday evening (that next day).

We finally had “the talk”…in a way. He said he had been online dating for about five months since his last on-off relationship ended. I was happy to hear ours was the longest relationship he had. We are only sleeping with each other. We talked about our dating history and I felt much closer to him. Our relationship still didn’t have a label, but it was definitely not feeling casual. He said he wanted to see me on Thanksgiving (!!!) but we didn’t make any definite plans. I asked him if I could come over that night after my plans and he declines. He says he needs his sleep for his work project tomorrow. This is weird to me, but I am accommodating and trust him. He kisses me, showing PDA in a public bar, before I leave to meet up with some friends.

This is where it all goes downhill. That next day, Saturday, I’m out with my best friend. I see a missed call and it’s him. He said he was in the neighborhood finishing up with some errands and wondered if I wanted to grab dinner. I texted him letting him know I was out, but that I appreciated the invite. He then invited me to meet his friends later at a bar. My best friend wanted to meet him, so I agreed to go. But remember, he had told me he was busy all weekend, and now he is making last minute plans!

We go. It was a large group and it wasn’t a group conversation kind of vibe since it was at a bar. I thought everything was going great, but then he tells me he is leaving. I’m taken aback. Even more so when he says, “Yeah…you’re not talking to me anyway.” I’m not sure how to respond, so I apologize and explain that I was trying to get to know his people. Plus, I am VERY introverted, and this was a lot for me. He agrees to stay longer, and we start to talk about Thanksgiving. I tell him that yes, I was planning on seeing him at some point that day. I’m surprised when he says…”Oh, yeah…we should revisit that soon.” I’m now certified confused. We stay for another hour and then leave. He kisses me on the cheek and we part ways.

I don’t hear from him much the next day, on Sunday. He doesn’t bring up Thanksgiving (which is in 4 days), so I do. I ask him if we are going to get together this week. He doesn’t respond until the next day on Monday (not his usual behavior). He asks me if I want to get together on Wednesday, which is NOT Thanksgiving. I tell him I cannot get together that day, but that I was down to hang out on Thanksgiving. He says he is sorry if he gave me the impression that he wanted to get together that day. We have our first mini argument, and he ends up apologizing for the miscommunication. We also have tentative plans to get together sometime over the weekend.

My schedule ended up changing, so I messaged him that next day asking to get together on Wednesday. At this point, it’s been two weeks of no intimacy as we only met up in public places the last two times we saw each other. He asks if we can play it by ear because his work day may be exhausting. I am starting to see all kinds of warning red signals flashing, but again, try to be accommodating. He lets me know Wednesday afternoon that he is not feeling up to hanging out. He says it’s because he needs his alone time and that the holidays make him feel weird. I’m now convinced he is blowing me off. I’m sad, but don’t react. I tell him, “OK, yeah no problem! Talk to you soon.” He asks if we can still get together over the weekend, to which I respond…”Let’s play it by ear”.

Thanksgiving day he sends me the sweetest message and we text throughout the day. The next day, Friday, he asks if I want to get together that afternoon. I accept, and we make plans to cook at his house. We had fun making dinner, and decided to put on a movie. But then…he didn’t sit by me. The entire movie he sat on the other side of the room because he said his couch wasn’t made for cuddling. This is weird to me, and I’m feeling confused/hurt. We go to bed, hook up, and go to sleep. But something was off. There was no intimacy, no talking afterwards, nothing. I convince myself it’s in my head and the morning will be better.

The morning comes and I get up to freshen up. When I come back, ready to hook up (like we always do), he’s clothed and in the living room! I go back to bed, and he never comes back. I get dressed and meet him in the living room. We have small talk, and he says he should take me home soon (I don’t have a car) because of xyz reason. I tell him that’s OK and I’ll take the bus. I go to leave, and he doesn’t get up to kiss me goodbye. I have to ask for him to, he does, and makes the comment of, “Well…see you again soon I guess.” I am devastated.

We text throughout the week, but something has changed. I invite him over one night and he says he is too tired. He doesn’t make any plans to see me again. Sometimes he forgets to text me back. By Wednesday, I still don’t know the next time we’re going to see each other. He wasn’t making plans, and I’m getting frustrated. I confront him and tell him, “Rather than texting about our day, why don’t we talk about the next time we’re going to do something fun?”. He responds with…”I’m casual with plans but if you want to plan that’s OK too. But, I’m unavailable all weekend because of xyz reason. Maybe sometime next week?”.

This is the boiling point for me. He was never a casual person throughout the entire relationship. We had been dating for six weeks now and have always saw each other at least once a week. This is MAJOR red flag to me. So…I tell him that I am feeling confused because the only way I know he’s still interested is if we’re making plans to see each other. I say I’m going to take a step back, but that if he wants to actually date me then I hope we can reconnect. He gives me a vague response, but doesn’t make any effort to tell me how he is feeling or fight for our relationship. He never says he wanted to end things, or that he didn’t see this going anywhere. I’m not sure where we stand, but things were definitely out in the open.

Now, the end of the story that keeps me up at night. That next weekend, my friend sees him at a bar. With another girl! They are obviously on a date, and I have proof from how she saw them interacting.

I am so angry! I feel lied to and taken advantage of. Why couldn’t he be honest if he was losing interest? It’s not the dating other people that hurts the most, but the lying about being busy. The excuses and the mind games to keep me on the backburner. I see now that he forced my hand in putting the brakes on the relationship so he could be the good guy and not have to end it. It would have been different if this had been casual, but his actions were never casual. I guess I’m looking for validation that I didn’t do anything wrong so I can move on. That he was blowing me off. Has this happened to anyone else? What changed? Part of me wants to confront him and see if he will be honest. Should I?

Thanks in advance…Age: 26

He said he had been online dating for about five months since his last on-off relationship ended. I was happy to hear ours was the longest relationship he had.

This sentence holds the key to unlocking your confusion. First, his last relationship was “on and off” which is synonymous with “hot and cold.” Then he shared that your four week “relationship” was the longest he’d had since starting online dating. Add those two things together and throw in the fact that this guy moved at light-speed for the first three dates and you’ve got yourself a Crash and Burner.

It sounds to me like this guy really, really ridiculously enjoys those first few weeks of a relationship when everything is – like a cruise on the Love Boat – exciting and new. During those initial few dates, he was all in, planning day-long getaways and marathon dates. That, too, was a red flag. We talk all the time ’round these parts how the first few dates are about getting to know each other. I would be very suspicious of someone I’d never met before planning some multi-spot beer tasting for a first date. Why the need to dazzle a stranger? Sure, we want to impress out dates, there’s nothing wrong with that. But who wants to constantly interrupt a flow of a conversation just to move around and, you know, drink more? I would imagine a date like that would be ideal for someone who didn’t want to get too deep into conversation. Beer tastings, haunted houses, film festivals; this guy needed distractions for those first few dates. Why? If you were to ask me (and you are) I would say thins guy wanted a buffer, something that would prevent things from getting too personal. Think about it: the only times you two were truly intimate was in the physical sense. Notice that things took a turn as soon as talk of spending a holiday together came up. That’s something a couple does, and he wasn’t ready for that.

Another red flag: he was hesitant to put a label on what you two were doing. That makes sense, since he was dating other people, but that should have immediately set off a warning bell for you, as that contradicted his behavior. He was acting like he was super into you, but when it came down to it, he couldn’t commit to anything.

Based on what you’ve shared, it appears as though this guy saw things going in a certain direction, one he wasn’t ready for, and he cooled things off when it became clear he was soon going to have make a decision: to commit or not to commit? That confusion you were picking up on was palpable, and he was going to great lengths to keep you at arm’s length, possibly to the point where you would walk away so he wouldn’t have to do the dirty work.

You didn’t do anything wrong. After a month of mega-dates and sleepovers, it’s natural that you wouldn’t to know where things were headed. Those nights he went home alone? Yeah, he wasn’t going home, and if he was, it wasn’t to be alone. More than likely, he was keeping you on the hook while he felt out the situation with another woman. That’s a kind of deception I wouldn’t be able to overlook, but YMMV. Now, that doesn’t mean you weren’t his first choice or that he never liked you. Quite the opposite; I think he did truly like you but wasn’t ready to set things in stone. I doubt anything changed other than he got cold feet and enjoyed being a kid in a proverbial candy store. People might say that the fact he was 39 and never married was a clue, but ignore them. That’s not a thing anymore and anyone who says it is doesn’t get out much.

In the future, be wary of someone who does the razzle-dazzle the way this guy did with you. Yes, it sounds romantic, but it’s also a sign he’s disappear quickly.Thoughts?

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

Name: Sarah:Question: Over the summer I started to develop feelings for my manager. We are around the same age(21 &amp; 23) but I didn’t act on my feelings because I knew it would go against the store’s policy. You are allowed to date as long as you are not at the same location.

Although we did hangout, he never tried to do anything. I told him how I felt and he said that the only thing stopping him from dating me was that we worked together. Summer came to an end and I transferred to another location, in the same city. But he didn’t text me as much and when I asked him why? He said that he was having family problems. We did make out once or twice but thats as far it went. Whenever I invited him over, he would always say that he was “busy.” He eventually admitted that he just came out of a relationship and wanted to be just friends. Fast forward to recently, my old co-worker tells me that he said “nothing ever went on between us.” and that I was “delusional.” I don’t know why but that triggered an old memory of a guy I did actually date who kept our relationship a secret. In the attempt to stand up for myself, I called him a “b*tch” for talking behind my back. This is completely out of character for me because I am very quiet and sweet. I felt so awful about how I reacted that I went to visit him and apologize. He told me that while he understands why I was upset, he is not interested in having me in his life because of what I called him. I can’t decide if I should let it go or apologize again?Age: 21

Let’s get one thing really clear: he was never interested in you. Period. Full Stop. His myriad of excuses for not wanting to hang out were all his way of being diplomatic. When you moved to another location he stopped contacting you (or, I suspect, stopped responding to you) because he was trying to extricate himself from the situation. Meaning, he was trying to get you to go away. I’m sorry for how blunt that is, but it’s the truth, and it’s a truth you need to face so you can begin to move on from this.

Fast forward to recently, my old co-worker tells me that he said “nothing ever went on between us.” and that I was “delusional.”

Admittedly, I don’t have much context on which to base my analysis of his response. I feel like there’s a lot of meat being left from this story. That said, when someone goes the route of trying to make the other person look crazy, more often than not something is off. If a person feels the need to invalidate someone’s perception of events by accusing them of being unbalanced, there’s a strong chance they’re hiding something.

Let me give you two scenarios.

Scenario 1 – “Yeah, we kissed a couple of times but I just wasn’t into it and she kept texting me I didn’t want to be a dick.”

Scenario 2 – “Dude, she’s crazy. She’s won’t fucking leave me alone.”

Person in Scenario 1 is demonstrating a modicum of compassion. He didn’t want to tell you to go away because he didn’t want to be mean and hurt your feelings. Person in Scenario 2 is hopping on the defensive and bashing you. Here’s the thing: he’s an adult with a tongue and vocal chords and working fingers. If he felt uncomfortable with your persistence and his lies weren’t working, he should have bucked up and told you he thought you were cool, but…

He wasn’t a bad guy for making up excuses for why he could never date you. Most people would do exactly what he did. Diplomacy – especially in a work situation – is always better than blunt honesty. But there’s a point where that charade needs to end for the good of all involved. As for you, know this: if someone really wants to date you, they’ll risk a stupid company rule or find a way to make it happen. When someone keeps coming back at your invitations with reasons they can’t hang out, take the hint so that your self-esteem doesn’t take a battering.

He told me that while he understands why I was upset, he is not interested in having me in his life because of what I called him.

Here’s where I no longer empathize for him. What he did with this response is drive the knife in deeper by trying to make you feel worse, like you blew your chance. This is where he shows his true colors. This guy? He’s not a nice guy. What he did with this answer is cruel. It was clear you felt remorse for calling him a bitch, but instead of being a decent human being and accepting your apology, he got passive aggressive. You do not ever want to be involved with someone like this. This kind of treatment is abusive. Like I said, I don’t know what the full conversation entailed or what led him to say you were delusional, but the minute you heard that, a light switch should have gone off, illuminating the fact that this guy SUCKS. Instead you got angry – which I get, I really do – but you went from angry to remorseful, contacting/approaching him not once, but twice. In his mangled and unkind way, he was laying down a boundary: stay away from me. As rage-inducing as his behavior might have been, you have to respect that.

Now that we’ve established he’s a shit, let’s talk about you for a second.

You’re sitting somewhere on Christmas Day writing this letter to me, clearly still agonizing over how this all played out. Your emotions have gone from a high to a low, and that ain’t good. I’ve been where you are right now, and it was some of the most gutting pain I’ve ever felt, but the guy wasn’t the cause of it. He was just something that triggered it. I don’t know you or your background, but I do recognize your reactions. I’ll bet on some level you knew this guy was blowing you off, but you didn’t want to face it. The attention felt good, yeah?

I know.

Now you’re thinking, “Well, maybe if proved to him I’m not the person he thinks I am, he’ll like me back.”

He won’t. He won’t ever like you back. Nor will he care that you feel sorry about getting angry. (Which, btw, was totally justified on your part.) More than likely, he’ll say something else to make you feel like shit and keep you on the hook. Because, see, that’s what he was doing by telling you nothing would ever happen because you flipped out. That’s why he never told you to stop contacting him. That’s why he kept engaging you. He liked the attention, too. Only he never felt bad about treating you poorly.

Listen, it’s a brutal time of year to be going through this, but I’m glad you submitted your letter. You’re not alone in this, and what you’re feeling and how you handled it all doesn’t make you a terrible or unhinged person. It means that something about this guy set something off in you, and it wasn’t the other guy that dated you in secret. It goes deeper than that, I think, which is why I think it would be very beneficial for you to to talk to someone, a professional. Maybe even sign up for one of those therapy apps so you can talk to someone who can help you identify what about this situation has you feeling the way you feel. Get to the root of this now so you can go on to find the relationship you want.

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

Last week I had what I would call a perfect date with a guy I met on Tinder. Drinks led to appetizers led to going back to my place and having sex for three hours. I woke up to a text from him saying he had a great time and couldn’t wait until our next date scheduled for that weekend. I replied and told him I was looking forward to it as well and wished him a great day.

I sent him a text to confirm our date for the following night. He replied immediately and said something had come up and he’d get back to me. I responded to his text saying I sensed something had changed and asked if that was the case. He never responded. It’s been almost a week.

Extra information: On ourdate he mentioned he was filling out paperwork for something related to his visa. I don’t know if that had anything to do with his sudden disappearance. (He’s lived here for years and has a child.)

People’s first impulse will be to say that the guy got laid and so he lost interest. That’s possible. I doubt the visa had anything to do with it, but that’s possible, too. For all you know he’s married. What I will say definitively is that the sex had nothing to do with it.

The more likely explanation is that, when he wrote that text saying he was looking forward to your next date, he was being genuine. Then the sex haze faded and he went out with someone else and decided he was more compatible with her. Instead of responding to your question about where you stood with either words of encouragement or a dismissal, he said nothing. Just in case. That way nothing can be held against him should he circle back around to you in a few weeks. The cancellation is sort of par for the course these days, but the non-response to your text is what makes him a dick. He needs to be more responsible with how he encourages women if he’s going to act like that.

I don’t think he lost interest so much as his interested in you got shifted to the back burner. I also think that what you experienced is commonplace now. The connections we make on these apps are fleeting. More than likely, this guy is going to reappear after the New Year and feed you some bullshit excuse about why he fell off the face of the earth, when really he just dated someone for a month and things didn’t work out or he got bored. Or, to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, his life got complicated and he faded for awhile. I’ve had this happen to me and I can’t tell you how angry I feel when these guys shower me with attention then go dark, on to resurface weeks later and act like nothing happened. Hopefully, when he does pop back up, you have something else going on so that you can tell him you’re not available and mean it.

Name: betty:Question: After reading your column The #1 Way To Look Like a Creep On Tinder & OKCupid, I was reminded of a date I went on where there was mutual disinterest. Days later I received a very long text about why he was disinterested, how he wasn’t attracted to me, yada yada yada. My response: “ditto.” This just seemed really presumptuous as I had been radio silent since our date and would’ve preferred it to stay that way. In another case, after I basically ghosted a guy who said he wouldn’t be available to date for a month, I receive another very long text weeks later about how he can’t date right now, has all these emotional issues, etc. Again, totally unprompted. These incidents made me wonder if there are people in the online dating market who like rejecting people. Instead of just going with the flow, they really really need you to know they can’t date you. I wonder if you’ve come across these people, or if your clients have, and what motivates them. Would be curious to hear others’ stories. Thanks!Age: 37

Days later I received a very long text about why he was disinterested, how he wasn’t attracted to me, yada yada yada. My response: “ditto.” This just seemed really presumptuous as I had been radio silent since our date and would’ve preferred it to stay that way.

You just answered your own question. His ego couldn’t deal with the fact that you had rejected him, so he emailed you his lengthy “explanation” to lessen the sting. Now he can delude himself into believing he rejected you and not the other way around.

These incidents made me wonder if there are people in the online dating market who like rejecting people.

I think what you’re experiencing has little to do with a desire to reject people. I tend to believe people who launch into verbose explanations like the ones you detail in your letter are just…damaged. Either they’re full of contempt because they’ve experienced persistent rejection or they’re still smarting from a split and looking for a shoulder to cry on.

Dating – both the act of it and the niche itself – has become extraordinarily toxic and repetitive. I can’t scroll through my Twitter stream without reading the same ten listicles, articles, and blog posts. People are bored and angry. The process has become exponentially more difficult. As a result, singles are exhausted. And pissed. And broken. I can’t use any app or site for more than a couple days without needing to step away for a few days to regroup from the constant rejection, fading, and unmatching. It’s just too much.

I think online dating has warped people’s ideas about dating, sex, and attraction. I mean, now “dating” includes sceanrios where you’ve emailed/texted but never met the person. We’re getting very comfortable with these kinds of detached connections. I don’t doubt that there are people out there pouring their hearts out to strangers. I think we, as a society, are starved for for connection despite living in an age that is defined by how effortlessly we can connect.

So, while I do think there are people who get off rejecting people, I think the root cause of the majority of these unsolicited explanations is a garden variety loneliness. There’s a lot of pain out there, I think. People’s self-esteem are taking one hell of a beating. That guy who reached out to you to explain he wasn’t in the right place to date anyone? My guess is he was just looking for someone to talk to. I don’t think he had sinister or malicious intentions. I honestly believe he was feeling lonely and wanted to connect with someone.

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

I recently gave my friend an analogy to online dating…buying/selling a used car. Bear with me. No, we’re not objects ‘for sale’. However the process of identifying and selecting a mate is nearly identical to purchasing a used car.

Picture an individual seller, trying to sell his/her car. They post old pictures. Avoid showing dents/rust/scratches. List the mileage from 150K to 120K, and take a 3-4 years off model. The buyer is excited, because the description meets/exceeds their wants.

The seller will get a lot more buyers interested. The savvy buyers will ask a lot of up front questions, and bail if/when the true details come to light. Less experienced buyers will ask fewer questions, come out to see the car, then bail as soon as they realize they aren’t getting what was advertised (“If the seller lied about the objective facts, what else is he/she lying about?”).

HOWEVER (this is most important), the buyers that remain will know they can negotiate down…aggressively. The buyer is in a position of power because both parties now know the car is ‘valued’ less than what was advertised, and the seller will need to make concessions to seal the deal. At that point an opportunistic buyer will exploit that leverage.

Online daters have to think about their ultimate goal. If the goal is to get more matches, lying on a profile will do it, but will also waste a lot of peoples’ time in the process…and lead to more disappointment. If the goal is to find a relationship, daters will be much more successful if they provide a highly accurate, clear, and truthful description…that includes pics. Yes, they’ll get less matches, but those that are interested will be much more likely to work out.

I’ll leave with one final thought. What ever happened to the concept of ‘undersell and over deliver’? Today’s online dating is focuses too much on ‘overselling and under delivering’. That means, in most cases, when the truth is revealed (age, height, weight, etc.), the your match will be disappointed and feel deceived. You have one chance to make a good first impression…why ruin it? – Tiured of Games

These are all valid points, but the reality is that many people lie on their profiles. There’s no getting around that. So you can either cling to the moral high ground or bite the bullet and accept this reality. It would also behoove people to take a moment and ask themselves why someone might lie about things like their age, height, or weight.

Do you really believe that someone who shaves a decade off their age or adds four inches or posts old photos is being malicious? I don’t. I think a person who does that is just trying to get the interview, so to speak. More than likely, they’ve experienced a tremendous amount of rejection, not because they’re bad people, but because we live in a shallow society. Maybe they’re lonely and just want a chance. Someone intentionally misrepresenting a product in an ad is doing it for one reason only: greed. They just want the money. Sure, some people will lie just to get a free meal or sex, but be honest. Those instances are few and far between.

Willfully lying – either overtly or a lie of omission – when selling a service or product is fraud. It’s a criminal act. Shaving a decade off your age is not on par with being a criminal. It goes without saying that dating in 2017 has become exponentially harder than it ever was. People are frustrated and hurt and lonely and just wondering when they’re going to get their turn. That’s all they want: an opportunity to shine. That’s it. That’s the main reason why people fudge the details. They just want to find someone.

If you were to ask me my preference, I would say I prefer to date a guy taller than me. But there is a guy at my gym – my cycling buddy – that I think is crazy sexy. I’ve thought that from the first moment I met him a year ago. He’s maybe five foot seven, and I’m being genrous. If he listed his height on his profile at 5’6″, I’d probably skip right past him. But in person? I get crazy turned on just listening to his labored breaths after our cycling intervals. The most egregious development since the explosion of apps and online dating sites is that we’ve been groomed to determnine someone’s attractiveness or value based on a number or other one-dimensional criteria. Do you have any idea how many people are disqualified because they don’t qualify as conventionally attractive? Lots of people.

So the next time you bemoan the dishonesty involved with online dtaing, look in the mirror. We have created this monster.Thoughts?

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

]]>http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/11/13/is-online-dating-like-buying-a-used-car/feed/21What Does “Take It Like A Man” Even Mean?http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/10/26/what-does-take-it-like-a-man-even-mean-2/
http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/10/26/what-does-take-it-like-a-man-even-mean-2/#commentsThu, 26 Oct 2017 13:57:05 +0000http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/?p=109339

Name: veronica

Comment: Hi there! I know this is a little off the beaten path but I really enjoy your work and I thought you might have some good insight on this situation. My 17 year old son has been dating a lovely young lady for the past few months. Her birthday was last week and he completely forgot about it. When she told him about it, he responded with something like “Oops, I’m sorry I forgot. Let’s do something next weekend since I have plans with the guys this weekend.” I know, cringeworthy to say the least! And if that wasn’t bad enough, there was strike number two when he trivialized her birthday by saying “what’s the big deal, it’s not like it’s your 21st” and then strike three when he told her she was just being silly and taking a “hissy fit”. After a heated exchange, she exclaimed “you just don’t get it!” and then landed a stinging slap across his cheek and stormed off. Needless to say, he has much to learn about the opposite sex, and I teased him about getting his face slapped by a few more ladies until he starts behaving like a true gentleman ?? To his credit, he took it like a man and seems less concerned about his wounded pride and more concerned about the young woman’s feelings. I think this could be a teachable moment for him, and I also think he can repair his relationship with his girlfriend if he goes about it the right way. Just wondered if you had any nuggets of wisdom to offer.

First of all, none of this is okay. Your son’s girlfriend hit him. She hit him hard enough that it “stung.” You should in no way be encouraging him to get back with her. She. Hit. Him. Forget that they’re seventeen. Forget that he forgot her birthday. If she smacked him over something so trivial, just imagine how angry she gets when the shit really hits the fan. It doesn’t matter that they’re “kids.” They’re both old enough to know that striking another person in anger is wrong. That is, if they’re parents did their job and taught them that. By laughing at what his girlfriend did, you’re telling your son that hitting people in anger is okay.

Also your responsibility? Teaching your son how to be accountable for his mistakes. Deflecting and acting dismissive of his girlfriend’s feelings was wrong and you need to explain that to him. You and his father are to blame for your son being incapable of offering a genuine apology. I’m going to take a wild guess that your relationship with his Dad was pretty toxic. That would explain why you’re being so casual about this. You think this kind of behavior is normal.

It’s not.

Your son’s girlfriend is not a “lovely young lady.” She’s a young adult who doesn’t know how to control her emotions or impulses. Again, she’s not twelve. This sort of behavior does not bode well for her or him. You should not be teaching your son that what she did was okay. The end result of that will be that your son will be one of those, “She hit me first” men. (And I use that term loosely.) You and his Dad need to make it clear that hitting someone in anger is wrong. I don’t care how many episodes of Pretty Little Liars she’s watched. That Drama Queen needs to get it together. Her parents clearly failed at their jobs, too.

As for you? Take up a hobby and stop being so up in your son’s business. If you are going to be up his ass, be productive about it and teach him how to take responsibility for his actions. Explain to him the importance of sensitivity and compassion. That’s what “taking it like a man” means. That’s what being an adult means.

Question: I am a24-year-old female and have just recently went on a date with a26-year-old male. We met online and have been talking for about a month.Our schedules just matched up to where we could meet in person and all in all the date was nice. We had plenty to talk about and enjoyed each others company as much as one can with someone who is still pretty much a stranger. One big thing out of the almost 5 hours of non stop conversation we had stood out and made me question everything.

We were talking about previous jobs and everything seemed normal. I know where he works now and that he has been there for 3 years (I know for a fact this is true).He then begins to say he had traveled the world, he was being paid $120 an hour (cant completely remember what he said he was getting payed to do).

He said he had $80,000 in a bank account but then the company was bought out and he lost his job then shortly after the IRS contacted him and said he filed his taxes wrong and they took the money he had to cover the fees. I am 99% sure this is a lie.He is 26, he started his current job when he was 23 and before that he had explained he had worked a similar job. (Plus who pays a22 year old without any form a college degree $120 an hour?)

I have looked on his Facebook, and for someone who has evidently traveled the world he has never mentioned it or has no pictures of it. This bothers me, I liked him. We got along well and unlike 90% of the population I did not mind being around him. But I can’t date someone who I am unsure if they are telling me the truth. I want to ask him, I want to give him a chance but if he is lying to me already I am unsure what to think. I’m looking for some advice with both how to approach this and if this could just be him trying to impress me or if this could be a real problem.

I did notice a couple other small things not lining up like him saying he had never been in a particular state before then an hour later saying he and his friends had gotten lost at one point and ended up in that exact same state. He also said he had came out to a business near where I live in right after saying he had never been out that way before. To me this seems like he is an avid liar but I did agree to another date next week which I was looking forward to.Age: 24

You’ve already decided this guy is a liar liar pants on fire so I think this blossoming relationship is dead in the water. This the the problem with performing a social media deep-dive every time you meet someone new: too much information. I’m curious how you know “for a fact” that he’s been at his current job for three years. Did you creep his Linkdin profile, too? How did you prove that?

Listen, I get the need to ensure that a person is who they say they are, but the more information we cull from these little stalking excursions, the more likely it is we will find what we think is a discrepancy. Do I think this guy is lying? Yes. At the very least I believe he’s embellishing. I don’t know why anyone would launch into a dissertation about his banking and IRS issues other than to cut something off at the pass or to answer a question poised to him. Did you ask him a question that would require he be this transparent?

I applaud your use of critical thinking here, but you’re forgetting something. When you apply critical thinking to a situation, you have to ask yourself one very important question.

“Why would someone lie about that?”

What does this guy gain by telling you he filed his taxes wrong? What does he gain by telling you he’s never been to a particular state? Like I said, I don’t doubt he’s embellishing and possible lying, I just don’t know which instances you mention in your letter are untruths.

There’s one other possibility here, and it’s that maybe you don’t listen properly or that you have an over-active imagination. To be honest, I get the feeling that you’ve totally creeped this guy’s social media and digital footprint, and you’ve only met him once. If that’s the case, I think that’s part of the problem. You’ve gathered so much information that either you’re confused or you’re looking for a reason to believe this guy is lying. I happen to think it’s a little of both, with a dash of him being slightly dishonest.

I can’t tell you what to do here. If you think he’s lying, then go with your gut. My guess is that you’ll keep seeing this guy regardless, as that’s what most people in your situation do. In that case, all you can do is be vigilante and pay attention and look for other possible signs of deception. Or you could just ask him to clarify some things and see what he says, but don’t be suprised if he gets offended or thinks you’re paranoid.

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

I got back into the online dating game after ending a very painful relationship over 5 months ago. I averaged around 1 or 2 dates a month. Just like everyone else, the experience has been exhausting. Most guys I met have not been bad, although chemistry was rare. Recently I had a date with a guy and I felt that it went well. We had fun speaking and found a lot of common interests and even family background. I normally don’t feel comfortable kissing a guy on a first date but I ended up making out with him a bit before we said goodbye. Before I go on, I should preface that I’m a woman in my late 20s and this guy is in his early 40s. I have always dated older guys as I have found them more mature. I want a family and children and this guy seemed to want the same thing. Only that he seems to want it very desperately. Given that he’s in his 40s and still single, I understand his urgency somewhat but emphasizing 3 times throughout the date that “if I’m lucky enough to have children” and sending me a text immediately after our first date saying “I must say, I’m VERY attracted to you” seems way too desperate to me. It kind of ruined the whole thing as I was hoping we would have a 2nd date.

The 2nd red flag is that he suggested going home for the 2nd date, which I didn’t say no to as I’m attracted to him and wouldn’t mind moving it along. This is usually too fast for me as I wouldn’t consider sleeping with a guy until I know him pretty well.

My question is:

1. He seems quite genuine about wanting a family and kids, which is what I want as well. And I understand that given his age, he would want it quickly. But didn’t he realize coming off as too desperate will not help him achieve that goal any faster?

2. Most of my friends said if he is still single at this age, there must be something wrong with him. I don’t necessarily agree with that as I don’t want to be judgemental. I have had a hard time finding relationships myself and bad luck at dating in general. And I know I’m not alone, especially in cities. It has caused a lot of self esteem issues before, but now I have outgrown that with more life experience. But should I be concerned of the reason an older man is never married?

3. I surprised myself when I didn’t feel too offended when he suggested going home for a 2nd date. This is not how fast I usually progress. Am I being a little desperate as well? Ultimately the 2nd date didn’t happen as I thought there are too many red flags (his text killed it) and he also smokes, which is a deal breaker. I’d like some insights. Age: 27
Okay. Lots to unpack here.

I always blew right past the dudes online who posted pics of themselves with their nieces and nephews. That – to me – always screamed, “My biological clock is tickin’ like this…”

Those guys are looking for an incubator, not a partner. That said, keep in mind that all the talk from this guy about wanting kids could be totally for show just to make you think he’s looking for something serious. The fact that he’s trying to have the second date as his place is an immediate red flag. This guy is fast-tracking the relationship. What you need to figure out is why. Is he anxious to settle down or is he just desperate to get laid? The sad truth is, you’re probably not going to find either explanation particularly appealing. Unfortunately for you, if it turns out he is sincere in wanting to start a family and settle down, you’d be a fool not to give this guy a chance. Why? Because, as I’ve said before, the men most relationship-minded women reject are most likely to be the ones willing to commit.

But didn’t he realize coming off as too desperate will not help him achieve that goal any faster?

I’m not sure I agree with your assessment. How many times do women tell each other to lay their cards on the table on the first date and state they’re looking for a serious relationship? It’s quite possible this guy is a little desperate, but don’t dismiss the possibility that you’re judging him because you believe a “real” man would never make himself that available. The fact that he’s a guy and he’s playing the stereotypical female role in this scenario is messing with you.

Most of my friends said if he is still single at this age, there must be something wrong with him.

Yeah, that’s what most of us said when we were in our twenties. Your friends think they’re so wise tossing off comments like this, but really they’re showing their immaturity and lack of life experience. Could there be something “wrong” with him? Probably, since we are all products of our experiences. Nobody gets out of this life thing scar-free. Some of us get banged up when we’re younger and some of us take this hits when we’re older. The most likely-explanation is that this guy was enjoying his unfettered bachelor lifestyle then woke up one day and realized he forgot to have kids. That or he just got tired of screwing around and decided he was ready to settle down. I think that’s how it works for most people. They enjoy being single until they don’t. It’s not a mysterious or glamorous explanation, but it is the one most probable.

I surprised myself when I didn’t feel too offended when he suggested going home for a 2nd date.

That’s because the rules you supposedly live buy exist in your mind. They’re not real. You tell yourself you have certain standards because it makes you sound virtuous, but really you’ll bang a guy on the second date if he’s hot enough. Welcome to the club, where all the members arbitrarily enforce standards to justify their own insecurities and shortcomings.

I totally get not wanting to date a smoker, but that too is total bullshit. You’re considering dating him. That’s crystal clear. You wouldn’t be writing in if you weren’t. You’re embarrassed that you are still interested in this guy because a) you’ve convinced yourself you have higher standards than you do and b) your friends all have you convinced he’s a loser.

My advice to you is to see what this guy is about before you throw him in the discard bin.

Question: Hi moxieTexting. Sigh. I was all set up to go on a date next week with a guy I met on ok Cupid. He set me some messages and I replied fairly quickly and we were exchanging messages like they were texts. Nothing crazy just the usual banter. I said something about how it’s easier to talk in real life and he said “we should meet for a drink then” and so I gave him my number and the texting continued with no plans to meet. I told him I’m not a huge texter especially not when I’m at work. I have gotten in trouble with my boss for being on my phone too much in the past. So we made plans. The texting continues into the weekend but it was nothing engaging just “hey” and when I told him about my weekend his response was “same” instead of an actual response so that’s the last text I got from him. I wake up Monday morning to “you don’t seem into me, maybe we’re not a match” this made me very upset because what more can a person do to show that they’re interested besides the occasional text and you know, agreeing to go out. Honestly I don’t know why I’m surprised he did seem more interested in just texting and maybe that was his intention all along, just to text someone and not meet. Had he just cancelled for another reason it would have been one thing but to blame me and say he’s canceling because I “didn’t seem interested” really pissed me off.

Is this what dating has become? You have to be craft a perfect profile, pick perfect photos, be charming over message, charming over text. All of this work before you even meet! Its exhausting. All of this work and buildup only for something like this to happen. I guess not wanting to text and being vocal about preferring meeting in real life backfired on me. I know your advice is to keep texting brief and I agree but what if it seems they take that as a sign that you’re not interested? Red flag and move on or is this what dating has become?

For years, my advice has been to never give your phone number out until a date is set, and only then give it out the day before or day of the date. Why? Because of exactly what you experienced. Maybe it’s me, but I’m not messaging with anybody on any kind of consistent basis until I’ve met him. This guy sounds super needy and insecure. He sent you that passive aggressive “you don’t seem interested so bye” message to get a reaction out of you. Like you said, what did he expect? You barely knew him. Not to mention, you set down a boundary and told him you weren’t much of a texter and he still continued to message. Those are two very glaring red flags.

Is this what dating has become?

In a word, yes. People are frustrated and annoyed because the flake factor has shot through the roof. We just don’t have patience for this jerkfest anymore. Unfortunately if we want to meet someone we have to put up with it.

You’re experiencing dating burn out, a common feeling of angst that many daters experience. The way to avoid it is to not engage in certain behaviors that more often than not lead to one or both people feeling jilted and confused. Here are some things people should do/not do in order to side-step dating malaise and fatigue.

Post good photos - Face, full body shot, social shot. That’s it. No photos taken at weird angles or at a distance. Do not in any way obstruct your face and body. And you MUST have at least 3 photos.

Don’t reply to anybody who admits in their profile they’re just out of a relationship, new in town, just checking this out, expresses hesitation about online dating, etc – These people are not taking the process seriously or are too embarrassed to be using such a method in the first place. Anybody who starts their profile off with, “My friend told me to do it” it’s an automatic no. If someone can’t admit that they’re on that site or app because they want to meet someone, they’re too stuck in their own head. Dating them will be a series of challenges where you’re taking the lead at all times. Either they can own it or they can stay home.

Don’t engage anyone with less then 3 photos. – They only post one or two because they either have no recent photos or are only posting pics where they look atypically good. These people are the ones who end up not looking anything like their photos. Since Tinder and Bumble pull photos from Facebook, you can spot the folks who can’t be bothered by their grainy, out-of-focus, old photos. Someone with a reasonably active life will have a series of photos to choose from. If their profile is nothing but fuzzy shots, they don’t care enough to upload decent shots of themselves.

Do not email anybody until you’ve read their complete profile and viewed all of their photos. – You know how it is. You get excited at that primary photo and skim their profile then shoot off a message. But then you go through their pictures and profile text and notice little red flags. Or you realize they posted a wildly inaccurate photo as their primary pic and buried the one where they don’t look as good in the back. This is a great way to piss people off, as you’ve just wasted their time.

Do not respond to anybody without a photo or any other pertinent details. – That is, unless you really enjoy awkward conversations where you have to tell them you’re not interested because you don’t find them attractive. You then set yourself up for weird conversations. People who don’t post photos don’t post them for a reason. They know they’re not conventionally attractive and are hoping to rope someone in with their witty banter or other aspect to their lifestyle/personality. People who don’t post their height or age are also trying to slide under the radar. The goal is to avoid asking or being asked awkward conversations. If you are fudging anything on your profile – and it’s okay if you do – be upfront about it right away.

Do not engage in email conversation past a certain point without setting up a date. - I’ve said this before, exchange maybe 3-4 emails between you (6-8 total) and then suggest an in person meet-up. Somebody has to take the initiate, so do it. These people who write in and say they spent weeks to a month “chatting” with people baffle me. Who has that kind of time to invest in a stranger? If they’re delaying meeting up, there’s a reason, and it’s likely one that will impede any kind of real life relationship. Because Tinder and Bumble and Hinge don’t provide users with enough details about their matches, more messages are required. That is the downfall of most of these apps. People get bored and annoyed. That’s why your bio has to include pertinent basic details and interests. Bios made up us smarmy sarcasm and try-too-hard comedy are a fail. That person has just doubled the amount of work, not just for them but also their matches.

Do not engage the creeps and weirdos. – You are never going to teach someone a lesson or give them one to grow on. It’s not your place to reply to them and try and figure out their particular pathology. Here’s your answer: they’re idiots who think insulting you or asking weird questions or behaving in an odd manner is endearing. If someone emails you to tell you they disagree with something you say in your profile or try to school you, delete and block them. You’re as foolish as they are if you think you’re going to get anywhere with them. I see this on Twitter constantly. People feed the trolls because they love the idea of being a fake badass.

Don’t respond if you’re not interested or tell someone you’re not interested. – No, it’s not a sign of politeness if someone does this. It’s rude. People get off on rejecting folks, that’s why they do it. That or they are completely socially tone deaf. Do not engage. If people still feel entitled to a response, they’re alone for a reason. People who write intro messages begging for a response whether you’re interested or not are just desperate.

Do not ask someone why they weren’t interested. – You will NEVER get the truth, ergo it’s a pointless conversation.

Do not track them down via social media. – Without context, you will not have a way to properly assess their statements or behavior. Just take them at their word until they give you reason not to.

Don’t pull the safety card in order to see how much info they’ll give you.- I can tell you right now, more and more people are beginning to balk at this because they know it’s a test. You are not owed any kind of dossier on that person you’re meeting for a beer. When they start asking you for money or behaving in a way that is suspicious, then check them out.

Do not confront someone with information you easily and effortlessly found. – I’m talking about marital status and the like. If you were able to find information that easily, that means they either a) they don’t care what you think and b) never had any intention of actually dating you. They also probably have a ready made explanation that they give to everybody that usually works. And let’s face it, if they’re attractive, the lie usually works so the point is moot. Fun fact: I met someone recently. (It’s new. Don’t get excited.) I Googled him, a sign to me that I actually like him, and learned he lied about his age. (M, if you’re reading this, forgive me.) Now, I don’t care at all. I actually suspected he had knocked a few years off when I saw his suggested age range. It was five years younger and 12 years older than his listed age. I side-eye any guy who, in his early forties, says he’ll date a woman in her mid-fifties. Unless he’s reading this, I now have to pretend I don’t know for the time being.

Do not engage in email or text banter before first date. – Like, at all. Make the date and don’t speak until your date. Too often, a false sense of familiarity builds and people get too comfortable or get spooked.

Embrace The Fade – It sucks, it’s not fair and it sometimes really hurts. But people do it, men and women. Sometimes people feel it’s the humane way to go. Sometimes they just don’t care enough to tell you why they’re not interested. Don’t try to rationalize it or make sense of it.

Do not expect them to closely resemble their photos. – A picture is one moment in time. It is a one dimensional representation of how we look. Maybe they had a good hair day that day. Maybe they’ve put on ten pounds since they posted that photo. There needs to be some wiggle room in your expectations.

Reply back in a timely fashion. - I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if longer than 24 hours goes by and someone hasn’t responded, don’t get too attached. Not yet, at least. There’s no excuse for a time lapse longer than a day.

Don’t cancel your first date.- Extenuating circumstances aside, cancelling is going to start you off at a deficit.

Offer to contribute to the tab and send a god damn Thank You text after the date. I don’t care if you said thank you after the date. – Looking at you, single women. Just do it. Stop complaining and standing on principal and do it. It scores you points.

Don’t listen to the internet. - I’m telling you, all those people talking about all the dates they’re getting are leaving something out of the story. There was one blogger that I used to follow who got several dates a week at 40 years old. Turns out she mentioned in her profile how much she enjoys sex and how important it is. Derp. That’s why she got so many dates. Trust me. You’re not getting the full story.

Don’t quit. – Online dating is hard. It’s arduous and time consuming, but it is like this for everybody. You are not experiencing anything many, many other people haven’t experienced. We all deal with the same nonsense. You have to keep at it. Forget detoxes and breaks. You can take a little hiatus here and there, but don’t delete or disable your profile. Just focus on other things for a couple of days.