How To Get What You Need

It’s 9 PM and you’re exhausted after a busy work and parenting day. Lately, it’s been getting harder to get the kids to sleep on time and you feel like your partner isn’t helping you the way you’d like. You’re feeling stressed, unsupported and angry.

It can be tough to shift our way of communicating because most of us rely on complaining or criticizing when we want something to change. This does not usually lead to a peaceful solution or one where everyone feels heard/understood. So how can we get what we need?

Looking at needs and developing a literacy of what a need actually is is key. A need and the request you make to address that need feels very different from a preference you have which can sound to others like you’re making a demand.

Communicating with NVC

Let’s get back to the need you have for more support when trying to get the kids settled in at bedtime. Talking with your partner from a NVC perspective will require that you both to try not to fix, blame or problem-solve right away.

Set aside time (not at bedtime) for you both to express how you feel and ask your partner to listen with empathy. He or she can even mirror back what you say in order to make sure they have heard you correctly. Hearing our own words mirrored back can help us feel truly understood.

Perhaps there are reasons why your mate is not available to help you with the kids at bedtime? Setting aside your own reasons for why this is and listening to your spouse’s needs sets the stage for you to both to feel heard and understood.