the gorgeously chaotic life of a single mom

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happy new year

2015 was life changing. in ways i did not anticipate, it was the greatest gift. it was the most progressive year in self-discovery for me. i’m more comfortable than ever with letting go of timelines for my life, freeing myself from the heavy weight of the expectations of others. i learned to feel less guilty about caring for myself and doing what’s best for my happiness. i fought less against growth, realizing it’s painful only because i’m doing something right.

as a woman, i learned to apologize less for how i am made. i understand that my vulnerability is a good thing and i am captivating in my own way. my desire to be seen and known in a deep way isn’t something to be ashamed of. i learned that if someone is uncomfortable by my depth of thought or intimidated by the intensity of my life, that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me.

as a friend, i figured out the kind of people i want in my circle. squad size doesn’t matter when friendship is based on encouragement. there was a lot of letting go and letting in. it was painful but now they’re free to show up for the person or people that need them the most.

as a young professional, it was a challenging year for business. for most of 2015 i juggled two or three jobs, picking up freelance work when able, and attempted to start a business with a friend. in between it all i managed to travel every single month, for 10 months, from FL to VA. the work hours were long, the jobs stressful, pay was minimal, and the business venture kind of failed. i appreciate the glory though, even in these experiences, as i look forward to new opportunities in the new year. because of the experience, i can search and conquer with confidence. also, the fact that i work from home meant i could travel when necessary or stay at home if my son was sick. it was worth every 80-hour work week i put in.

as a parent, it was my most victorious year. the biggest offering of 2015 was adrian’s return home. a little background story for those that don’t know: in 2012 i felt it was in my child’s best interest for him to stay with a family that had at the moment everything in place that i didn’t in order for him to grow up in a safe and stable environment. it was a decision i wasn’t fully prepared to make, unaware of the intricacies of such a big move. for two and a half years he lived with them. i can honestly say those were the worst two and a half years of my life.

talk about being lost, kicked down and tossed around. things slowly spiraled out of control and one day i found myself sitting in the office of a child custody lawyer. all i could focus on was, “how did i end up here?” i fought for my baby and we won. i’ve had a vision for our small family since the night i found out i was having this baby on my own. there wasn’t a mountain i wasn’t willing to move to keep that vision alive and our family together. parenting in 2015 made me more grounded as a person and focused.

2015 equipped me with the tools to keep building and growing. it was disorderly but in many ways i was rescued and put on a path towards a new life. for the first time in years i feel like i can really own my future. i am grateful to still be here, more resolved than i’ve ever been. i am eager to learn more from life, how to be braver and stronger.