Christoph Waltz can play bad with the best of them, but, as Mickey Rapkin learns, in real life this two-time Oscar winner couldn't be more of a gentleman.

Christoph Waltz has two Academy Awards and a singular gift for infusing even the scariest villains with a cool charisma. As Colonel Landa, an SS officer in Inglourious Basterds, the Vienna-born Waltz, 58, made a meal out of every word, turning malapropisms like "That's a bingo!" into scary, T-shirt-ready catchphrases. And in Django Unchained, his Dr. King Schultz was perhaps the most likable bounty hunter you'll ever meet. The same skill set is used to perfect effect in this month's Big Eyes, the Tim Burton retelling of the story of Walter Keane, a Bay Area artist who became a global sensation in the '50s for his portraits of sad waifs with evocative, oversize eyes. The only problem? Keane didn't paint the girls—his wife did. Here, Waltz, who, along with his second wife, Judith Holste, splits his time between Berlin, London, and Los Angeles, applies his easy wit to a conversation about his own artistic credentials, monogamy, and, yes, Quentin Tarantino's sexual proclivities. That's a bingo!

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Would you share an embarrassing story from your childhood involving a woman?

There was an incident with a nurse in the hospital when I had my appendix removed at age six. I did not perceive it as embarrassing then, but now I would be in despair. You know what I mean. But I have fond memories of her. Let's put it that way.

Did you ever have a crush on a famous actress?

Yes, absolutely. Liza Minnelli.

Really?

No, listen, listen—when I saw Cabaret, I was completely smitten. The whole approachable quirkiness was not overcultivated at that time. Also, Lauren Bacall.

Do you remember which Bacall movie did it for you?

I didn't care.

You studied acting in New York in the late '70s and early '80s. What were the women in Manhattan like?

It was the beginning of the end. Not in respect to the women, but in respect to what was considered the real New York. But I was very young—23, 24. To me, it was a little exotic. And I only looked at the women. So I didn't see much of New York anyway.

That's what one does when one is 20 years old in New York.

[Laughs] No matter where you are. I just happened to be in New York.

Would you tell me about a particularly legendary night?

It was a New Year's Eve, and I was invited to a very nice party uptown that was a little boring and I couldn't be bothered. I lived in the Village, so I walked down Broadway at two o'clock in the morning. There was one bar open, and I went in and there were three people there—two old men and one bartender, also old. And everybody was content to have escaped that exuberance you have to show on a New Year's Eve. Not a word was spoken. No music blaring.

You weren't lonely?

On the contrary. With two old geezers who didn't talk, how could you be lonely?

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Your Viennese grandfather wrote a book, Sex Perfection and Marital Happiness. Did you take his advice?

He was a psychoanalyst. I didn't even read it.

Apparently he argues that one should prolong sex and avoid orgasm….

He wrote books for the layman. In a way, he was possibly one of the first—how do you call these books?—self-help, which I would advise anybody to stay away from.

You speak three languages. Is one better for thinking about love?

Depends on the lady.

Is an Oscar statue an aphrodisiac?

For me, it isn't. Thank God. I dare say the person who regards an Oscar as an aphrodisiac, I would not necessarily like to get involved with on a romantic level.

Quentin Tarantino loves obscure movies. Did he introduce you to any great, lost romantic comedies?

I'm not one hundred percent sure that this is Quentin's forte. Then again, romanticism is different depending on your experience. What you might find romantic, I might find utterly banal. Quentin perceives things as romantic that I might have overlooked.

The rumor is that he's really into women's feet.

Yeah…. That. Thanks for helping me out. For him, that might be romantic. It isn't necessarily for me. It depends on the toe, a little bit.

Is there a romantic comedy you enjoy?

The Philadelphia Story is one of my favorite movies. Cary Grant is really the master of not taking himself so seriously. And I don't think I've ever seen a more elegant person while doing that. Maybe true elegance is always something on the verge of negligence but still held together by a spirit.

You remarried to a well-respected German costume designer. I'm guessing you believe in the institution?

Not necessarily. But I believe that it's not nothing. Overall, I think it could be abolished as an institution. But there are aspects that make sense, and I don't think it has a lot to do with romance and love. That's a different realm altogether, in my understanding.

Do you believe in monogamy?

For the time being, yes.

Meaning while you're married?

[Laughs] While you're with one lady.

If I got all the women you ever dated on the phone, what would they agree on about you?

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