My lovely son with the sparkling blue eyes came to dinner! I was so happy. He is so handsome, charming and obviously intelligent when he is clean, that you would question whether he is really an addict. Now, I am also an intelligent woman who knows that he is a very sick young adult but I don’t understand these moments of perfect clarity and sobriety. I relish them and are so thankful for them but if he can attain sobriety for days or weeks why choose to go back into hell? I can’t grasp the pay off for addiction because as we all know, they all eventually end up in a horrible place filled with pain, disappointment, shame and regret. What “high” would be worth those consequences especially if you have already experienced them first hand? Why does an addict not fear that inevitable conclusion? Is that what’s missing right from the beginning, the ability to understand or foresee consequences. I think it is possible. It goes along with some of those traits that we seem to see in many of our addicts at a young age… like being self-centered, or being an instant gratification junkie.

After I wrote the above paragraph I got very anxious. I could not really put a finger on what bothered me so much so I saved this draft and thought about it for a while. The epiphany that followed was like a sledge-hammer upside my head. The traits that we have discussed of an addict at an early age are an accurate description of my 10-year-old daughter. I am going to think on this for a while more and blog on it another day but it is very upsetting to think about.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.

7 Responses to The Alien did not show up…

I’m so very glad that the alien stayed home and your wonderful son came to visit. What a blessing to spend some true time together.
I don’t understand why addicts return to their addictions after they’ve gotten clean either. I wish I did, because that’s part of why it’s so hard to cope with…this not understanding.
Carolyn

I totally relate to what you’ve said in this post….and I don’t get it anymore than anyone else. They are so wonederful when they aren’t using!! My son hasn’t used in 5 months. I thank God for each & every day that he doesn’t use, but at the same time I feel like I’m waiting for the axe to fall any day. When I see his girlfriends number pop up on my phone (his phone is currently off) I automatically tense up, afraid that axe finally fell. 95% of the time everything’s fine, he’s just calling to check in…so far, so good.

For what it’s worth, I think being self centered is part of being a child, in most instances. It is through growing & learning that children are able to move beyond “self”. I’ve know plenty of people that are very self centered adults, yet aren’t addicts. Then there’s my son, who only in active addiction is rooted in self. When not using, he’s so loving & giving. Keeping the prayers going!!

I think we need to remember that a lot of people have the traits we are talking about – but only a handful become addicts. Its good to be aware that you see those things in your daughter but hopefully she will steer clear from drugs.

Its very complicated. I do understand in my son’s case why he may eventually return to drugs. He’s told me that “a six hour high where everything in life feels perfect and there are only good feelings” is worth it to escape his day to day reality. But I don’t think he’s typical. I think in his situation he’s so tortured in his “normal” state that the drugs are a way to to escape. Its been nine months of no drugs and I have never seen him more miserable in his life as he is the last two months.

I think your son has a good chance of staying clean….I hope so with all my heart.

This is great news! Isn’t it wonderful when they show up looking clean, healthy and straight!? Enjoy this time!! I’m praying it’ll last forever!

Don’t worry too much about your daughter. Sometimes the best thing for them is to witness the sins of their elders. I know my two younger sons would NEVER do any drugs after witnessing J’s fall again and again and again. Just keep reminding her of what could happen, while at the same time lovin’ on her every chance you get. It’ll be just fine.

I could have written this blog. It is exactly the same with my son. He is 22 and has relaspsed again this week. Why and what was the trigger this time? Who knows, since he is so ashamed that he won’t return my calls. Of course, I only found this out after my husband and I went down to the halfway house, where he was living, and found out he was expelled because he failed a drug test.

My son has had periods of up to 18 months sober with intense treatment and yet he continues to relapse. Now I just pray intently and try to keep my mind on other things. I go to Al-anon and church regularly and try to spend as much time doing “normal things” as possible. I try to focus on my other two college-age children too.

And finally I read many blogs. Thank you for continuing to post. I find these blogs by parents especially helpful God Bless!

I spent many years asking the same questions. What is the payoff to addiction if it continually lands you in a dark and lonely place? I am still not sure I will ever understand it fully, but I have grown to appreciate that when we humans are uncomfortable in our own skin, we scramble for something to make us feel different, even if its not healthy. My husband scrambled for alcohol and I scrambled to fix everything. He needed escape and I needed approval. Fortunately, I walked into the rooms of Alanon. It taught me that I could treat my beloved husband as a completely different person from that “alien” who kept showing up at my dinner table. That helped immensely. But more importantly, it taught me to start asking myself what was MY payoff. What was I running from?
It was also extremely helpful to attend some open AA meetings and hear the stories of others just like my husband, who had years of recovery under their belt. Hearing those who have come through to the other side not only enlightened me about their thought process, it also gave me hope that recovery was real.
Thank you for your post!