Wednesday, April 30, 2008

What a sweet face. You can see the jaundice in her eyes. I love this pic. She looks so cute.Taking a nap on daddy. Tinkerbell thinks Kara is her baby.

First I would like to say sorry I didn't update you sooner. At our last appointment we got good news. Her points had dropped only a little but enough to say she's out of the woods. I was overjoyed to know she wouldn't be getting her precious foot stuck anymore. She also went up in weight from 7lb 12oz to 8lb 1oz. We have her 2 week appointment today. I can't believe she's already been here for that long, however it seems we've never been without her. She's still a really good baby. She only cries when she's hungry, which is pretty often these days. I guess she must be going through some growth spurt. I will try my best to keep you up to date on her. Thank you for all your prayers.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

It seems Kara still has Jaundice pretty bad, but luckily they didn't readmit us. They said we could have the weekend to take her out in the sun and see if it would help. Her points went back up from a 16 to a 17. They said by Monday it has to be on a downward turn or we will end up back in the hospital. I am trying to think as positive as I can. We have taken her on a walk each day and are going again today. On a happier note her weigh went back up from 7lb 9oz to 7lb 12oz.; she had lost too much weight last visit. We have an appointment tomorrow at 2pm to determine what they are going to do. I have a good feeling, thinking it will all be okay. If you would please continue the prayers for her. Thank you so much!!

And for your enjoyment here's a few pics from Friday:

You can tell she doesn't feel too great here, but her eyes were open!!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

It seems our sweet baby suffers from the dreaded jaundice. We went for an appointment on Monday to learn that she had it so bad we had to be admitted into the hospital. It was so scary. She had to be under some blue lights at all times besides when I was feeding her or changing her diaper. I hated every minute of it. I was so depressed and upset, having to watch her in there and not being able to comfort her when she would cry. Luckily she's a wonderful baby and doesn't do that very often. She slept for the most part. It also stunk having to be away from home, Nick,and Maddy. She had to get her blood taken out of her foot several times. It was so sad, she would just cry and cry. One night they had to fill 3 tubes so it took them 20 minutes of milking her foot to get it out. I was almost in tears myself. I did my best to stay calm so she wouldn't get more upset. It was heart wrenching. Luckily we got to come home yesterday afternoon. We have an appointment tomorrow afternoon to see what her status is. Please send up some prayers that she won't be readmitted. Hopefully her count with either have dropped or will be the same so she can come home with us to her comfort zone.

So glad to finally be leaving the hospital and hoping to get some SLEEP! Yes I know I look terrible, but it was a rough few days.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

introducing Kara Elizabeth born on April 17th, 2008 at 5:25 am. She was 8lbs. 4oz (can you believe that?) and 21 inches long. Directly after she was born (and hearing that first prayed for cry) they placed her on my stomach. She was still quite blue but I was amazed that Nick and I had made such a sweet little thing. As they tried cleaning her up, I felt her wrap her tiny hand around my finger. It was so surreal to me. Before I started pushing I was overwhelmed with emotion. I felt so thankful that she was going to be healthy. However at the same time I felt that loss of my son all over again, wishing I could have experienced the same with him. It was a bitter sweet moment, one I will never forget. After they took her from my stomach, I watched them from accross the room as they did all the regular things with her, Nick by her side. After they were done, I watched as he held her for the first time and wept with joy. It was a beautiful moment.

My favorite memory from the day of her birth was hearing the little noises she made. She made the sweetest noises. She's such a wonderful baby. She doesn't cry very much and loves to cuddle. She is the most precious baby and I couldn't be more thankful for her. She has her daddy and me wrapped around her finger already.

Maddy was also very sweet with her. You couldn't find a prouder big sister. She was mad that she had to go to school that day. She told me that I was charged with having the cutest babies in the whole world (meaning Conner and Kara). How sweet is that? It breaks my heart that she will be leaving us soon. I am so thankful that she got to be here for this moment.

I am so glad she's finally here! Life is so much better with her. Welcome Kara, you make our life complete!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

So I went over to Jana's blog today and was catching up when I came across a blog she wanted others to read. Turns out it was about a little angel girl that came into this world and left if very soon, just like my little Conner. I wept so much this morning, but it made me realize how special this time I have with Kara is right now. I feel so blessed that I am the mother of both an angel and a soon to be newborn. I feel foolish now for griping about my aches and pains, when I know it will be worth it a thousand times over. I have had Conner on my mind a lot these past few days. I worked on his first birthday scrapbook page last night. Maybe it had been taking longer for my labor because I have to come to terms with things involving him before Kara will arrive. It's a very special but overwhelming time in my life. I have had so much to think about and learn from. All I know is that God has blessed my life in so many ways and I need to appreciate all he has done for me. I gave all my worries to God and know he will supply me with many miracles to come. I hope you enjoy these poems. I wanted to post them for Audrey's (the little angel I mentioned above) mother. If you want to check out her blog it is in my favorites under Angie. May God bless all of you today with his Grace.

The most precious memory of my life. I love and miss you, Conner!

A Poem for Mommy

I thought of you and closed my eyes

and I prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a mother

and I know I heard him say.

A mother has a baby

this we know is true.

But God can you be a mother

when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied

with confidence in his voice

I give many women babies

when they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime

and others for a day.

And some I send to feel your womb

but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God

I want my baby here.

He took a breath and cleared his throat

and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you

what your child is doing today.

If you could see your child smile

with other children and say

"We go to earth and learn our lessons

of love and life and fear.

My mommy loved me oh so much

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom

who had so much love for me

I learned my lesson very quickly

my mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much

but I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep

on her pillows where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,

"Mommy don't be sad today

I am your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one

you children are OK

Your babies are here in my home

and this is where they will stay

They wait for you with me

until your lesson is through

And on the day that you come home

they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a mother

It's a feeling in your heart

It's the love you had so much of

right from the very start.

Poem by Jennifer WasikYOUIf we could have a lifetime wish, a dream that could come true, We'd pray to God with all our heartsfor yesterday and you. A thousand words can't bring you back, we know because we've tried. And neither will a million tears, we know because we've cried. You left behind our broken heartsand happy memories too. We never wanted memories we only wanted you. A million times we've needed you, a million times we've cried. If love alone could have saved you,you would have never died. In life we loved you deeply:in death we love you still.In our hearts you hold a place, no one could ever fill.It broke our hearts to lose you, but you did not go alone. Part of us went with you, the day God took you home. Author Unknown

So I know it's not the nicest thing for me to do right now, complaining that is, but it seems I have nothing else to blog about these days. For the past 5 days I have been sitting around the house doing nothing. It's not that I don't have things to do (laundry, cleaning, organizing) but that these things along with almost everything I do causes me pain. You see I woke up last Thursday with contractions. It was about 4 in the morning so I took a bath knowing that sometimes that will soothe your body and calm them down. Well that didn't work, so I tried to just get some rest. I got back to sleep only to keep waking up with the slightly painful little buggers. When we woke up at around 8 I told Nick that it may be THE day(althought they weren't that painful so I had my doubts). So he went down stairs to clean up. We both got our showers and everything was working out wonderful. So at around 10 we went to the hospital. They hooked me up to the machines (baby's heart and contraction) and not too long into it I had my first contraction. I felt glad that I wasn't making it up in my head. Turns out I was having them every 4-6 minutes. So the nurse comes in to check my dilation and of course can't get to my cervix (she even tried pulling it down, good times) . This has always been a problem for me. I have a tilted uterus and I guess the rest of my insides around there are messed up as well. So she calls in another lady to "find" it. The lady does find it and I was only 1/2 a centimeter dilated. Not quite the news I was hoping for. However, I was 50% effaced and -1 (which means the head is very close to being in my pelvis). They told me that I will have to progress some more before it's actual labor (which I had already figured out). In order to be discharged I had to have the doctor come in. He said after looking at everything that he figured I would be back in this week. I was like, "You think I will have her this week?" He said he did think so, which would be good because my doctor would be back from his Disney (Tokyo Disney) trip by then. So here it is Monday morning and I am still feeling contractions and lower back pain. It's weird sometimes I will have them as close as every 5 minutes, but after a few they taper off. It could very well be that I am having them more than I realize because I wasn't feeling every one that the monitor had picked up on Thursday. But to be honest, I am tired and so ready for this baby to come. Some other FUN symptoms have popped up as well but I won't go into detail about that, let's just say it makes things even more painful and hard to walk with. I have a doctor appointment in the morning at 8:30 to get some kind of bacterial test done. I know he will want to check me with all that's been going on so I am going to ask if he will go ahead and strip my membranes then. What a good way to start your birthday right? All I know is that if it ends with me seeing her, turning 27 may not be so bad after all.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

I tried to comment on your blog but it says I have to log in. I realize you are blogging with a different website so how do I get to where I can comment on your blog? Do I have to make an account with them too? Just wondering. I am glad to see you are back, I have enjoyed reading about the happenings in your life. So comment me and let me know how I can communicate with you girl! Hope to talk to you soon. Oh and happy belated birthday! :)

Friday, April 4, 2008

So just to let you all know I feel 100 times better today. I think I may be getting over that rut, a little. Nick will hopefully be getting a ticket tomorrow to head back this way. If it all works out he will be here Monday night, which makes me feel so much better. I spent a lot of time talking to friends today and it made me feel better. I want to thank you all for your uplifting comments and stories that you shared. They helped me so much. I won't say I am totally out of the red, but it's getting better.

I had to go to Labor and Delivery today with a nosebleed. I know sounds silly, but it lasted 40 minutes and wouldn't go away. I am on baby aspirin (which thins the blood)so I was a bit worried. After half an hour, I called the OB and they said to come in. On the way to the hospital, I started spitting up blood clots, pretty scary, but my nose had stopped bleeding. So I decided it was better safe than sorry and went on to Labor/Delivery anyway. I had to be hooked up to the machines for about 40 minutes. All was well with the baby and my bleeding had stopped so all I had to do was talk to the doc before I left. Turns out it was a midwife that thought she would treat me like I didn't know my butt from a hole in the ground. You know the type that likes to talk down to people as if they don't know that aspirin is a blood thinner or that pregnancy sometimes causes nosebleeds (already knew these things). She really made me mad when I told her that the nurse told me to come in if it didn't quit after another 10 minutes. Her reply, "Yes, I was standing right there and knew you would be here without a doubt!" She also went on to tell me that I fit right in with all the other mothers that had been coming in with colds the past few weeks. As if we all freak out about things for no reason. She told me that it will probably happen again so just wait it out because they wouldn't be able to do anything for me besides pack my nose and that wouldn't be very pleasant. DUH!! She obviously hasn't bled out of her nose for almost an hour after doing every thing possible to stop it. I have no patience for people like her. I hope and pray she's not there when I got in to Labor, or better yet if she is I will pass her right up for a "REAL" doctor.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

***WARNING:This post is just full of gripes and whining, if you don't want to be bored to tears, then please refrain from reading it. Don't say I didn't warn you!!!

So I was hoping today would be a better day, but in some way I feel it may be worse. I just feel like crap today. It's raining outside, my sinuses are wacky, and I hate it. I was supposed to be getting my pregnancy pics done tomorrow on the beach, but it's supposed to rain, again. I have been trying to get these pictures done for a few months now. It is utterly annoying. I just feel so depressed, lonely, and bored. I have like a thousand emotions running around in my body that make me feel crazy. Maybe it some hormonal thing, or it's just that life isn't the best right now, I don't know. When I think about this baby, I feel scared and unprepared. Yes I love her and can't wait to meet her, but the thought of how she's going to change my life freaks me out. However at this point I hope it's for the better, because I don't like my life at the present moment. After yesterdays happenings, I feel even worse. I think if I feel lonely now, how am I going to feel for those 3 months? I am so bored of this island. It's the same old thing every single day. Nothing exciting EVER happens. I am scared I will get bored with the baby too. I feel guilty (like the WORST mother in the world) for even thinking that way, but I guess when you are down bad thoughts happen. If I could I would just sit here and cry all day long, it's really the ONLY thing I want to do.

Maddy has a half day at school today so she will be here in an hour. We are supposed to meet my friend, Tangela, for lunch. I am hoping that it will make me feel better, but inside I doubt it. Sure I will pull myself together and maybe even laugh a little, but when I get back home I will feel it all again. I will try not to let Maddy see me this way, I have succeeded so far. I talked to Nick a while ago for a total of 6 minutes. He obviously knew something was wrong, but being that he was in an office full of people I didn't even want to get into it. So I lied, "No nothings wrong, it's just the rain." No, I don't like lying to him, but I knew it wasn't a good time to unload all my thoughts. So a few minutes after our short conversation he called back, getting my hopes up that we could talk, to ask if I had picked up his flight suits from the alteration place. I told him I hadn't yet but that I would. He said something sounded different in my voice, only for me to deny it. As I said it's not like I could tell him all I was thinking about while he was in an office full of his work people. He had limited time anyway, so I told him I was fine and we said our goodbyes. Now I wish I would have told him to just come read my blog then he would know, but I figure he doesn't have time for that either. So anyway, I guess I felt even worse after talking to him. I can't help but feel a little anger toward him over the deployment thing. The reason being that I know he volunteered. He's always volunteering for trips like that, which in a way makes me proud. However, being that I am his wife it upsets me. Sure it's nice that he wants to go fight for our country, but there are other men here who don't have families that could go this time. Some of these guys have never even been over there, not once. So call it selfish of me, but I wish one of them could go instead of him. I realize all my whining on my blog isn't going to change the inevitable, so I apologize.

I didn't want to be spreading my problems all over the Internet, I just need to vent some. I feel so lonely at this point in my life. I guess when I pictured starting a family (which we of course already did, but I mean with a newborn) I figured it would by my husband and myself doing it all together. I never thought of how much he may be gone for all these moments. So the reality of my fantasy family plan going down the drain has me in ruins. But I will get through it one way or the other, fingers crossed.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

This post is going to be purely from my thoughts, honest as can be. You see I am not one for telling or writing all my thoughts down (besides in high school when I kept a journal). No, it's not that I lie, I just don't tell all my thoughts for fear of rejection or upsetting someone else. When I am bothered or upset about something I always either a) don't tell the person they have upset me, just act distant b) do tell the person but don't let them know just how upset I am, or c)try to work it out with myself so that I can avoid confrontation all together. This is one thing about myself that I have always disliked, however I don't think I will ever be able to change. This is one of those times when I don't feel there's anyone I can talk to about it that will understand me on every level. So instead of calling up my mom or a friend and spouting off in their ear like I usually do, I am going to write a blog and hope that I get thorough it without deleting it before it's posted. So here it goes:

Have you ever had one of those days that just starts out bad and doesn't get better? Well that is today for me and it's only 12:15pm. I am hoping that the worst of the day is over. It all started with me waking up at 4:30am from a nightmare about my husband. The dream was about him being gone on a trip (like he is now) and him calling me to tell me that the enemy had captured him. It was a terrible dream, because I could tell he was in pain and I didn't think I would ever see or hear from him again. I was begging and pleading with his kidnappers to let him go because we are having a baby soon. The only thing I can figure is that it was their way of torturing him, to let him hear me and know his life was over. After I woke up I thought I would call him to make sure he's okay, but I realized that he would already be at work so I tried to go back to sleep. When I finally fell back asleep, the dream continued. I was with my MIL, Sissy, and we got a report saying that at least 63% of his bones were broken. It was horrible. Now if I didn't ever have to worry about this happening it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but being that he's in the military, that fear is always there.

I woke up a little late this morning but it was okay. I did my morning ritual of eating breakfast and then checked my email. Nothing too exciting. I got Maddy off to school, took a shower, and began getting ready for my stress test. All was good. I went to check some messages on my Vonage phone when Nick beeped in. I was thankful to see the number because I didn't hear from him yesterday. He goes on to tell me that their plane is broken (no big surprise there)so he's done for the night but needs to get to bed soon. Turns out they aren't going to end up in Florida after all, which really stinks because he has both a box and suitcase of Maddy's that he was going to give to her mother. Since he's flying back commercially, this could pose a problem. Since they are going to Georgia, they have decided to take a rental car down to Florida to deliver her things. So that news wasn't so bad, except that I worry it will make his trip longer. He says he will still be home by the 7th, but I am not holding my breath on that one. I've learned that when he says he's going to be home not to count on it until he has a ticket in hand or is calling from the airport to be picked up. It's just a fact in my world. We talked for a few more minutes about this and that when he said he needed to go, plus it was almost time to leave for my appointment. I gave him a message to call his boss, and we said goodbye. I will admit that I was very sad to get off the phone with him. I feel like I haven't seen him much (which is true for this past month) and it makes me feel very lonely. I even felt myself tear up when we hung up. I told myself to get over it and move on, I had things to do. Which leads me to another thought, I have been so very emotional the past month. I have done so good in this pregnancy not being emotional and crying at the drop of a hat. However in the last month that has changed. I find myself tearing up over anything that I find sentimental or upsetting. I think a lot of it has to do with my fears. I have so many right now. I know I shouldn't be fearing so much but it's hard with the past I have had. This pregnancy has been very hard for me, yes it has been wonderful and full of great things, but at the same time I have had many hurdles to get over. First it was just hearing a heartbeat, next it was if there was enough fluid, are the baby's organs all functioning, is everything in the right place, the list goes on. It's funny I chose today to express all my worries being that this was the day in my last pregnancy that I gave birth to my sweet baby, Conner. I can't tell you how many emotions are running around in my head today and to top it off it got worse.....

So I was getting my things together to go to my appointment, when the phone rings. It was Nick telling me that he spoke with his boss and he will be heading to the desert from July 15th through Oct. 30th, I believe. At first I thought, "Wow that sucks!" As he spoke about how it would be a good thing, we would have more money, he could get in shape, I found my heart dropping. You see Nick has always enjoyed deployments for these reasons. Once he's over there he will tell me how much he dislikes it, but initially he's over the moon. I am always upset about it. Who wants to live alone for months at a time? That was supposed to be a perk of coming here, NO deployments. Part of the reason I was able to cope with coming here, away from all I knew, was that my husband would be by my side. I think we were told the longest TDY was 2 weeks. So for two years we have been lucky, but now not so much. This brought up so many issues for me that I have been a mess ever since. Luckily I waited until we were off the phone to let it out. I found myself thinking of so many reasons why it upset me. My first reason was because of Kara. I worry about being here with her by myself, I am new to the whole parent of a baby thing. It upsets me that he will miss so many of her firsts. I wonder if she will even know who he is when he returns. I had already been dealing with the fact that she won't see her family until she's either 9 months or over a year old. It makes me very sad that she won't really know them until she's at least 2 1/2 years old. I do plan on showing her pictures and telling her who everyone is, but it's still not the same. I know that she will still be young enough for it not to be a big problem, but it still makes me sad. I was always close to my family. I feel pain for not only my daughter, but for our family that's going to miss out on so much of her life. To know that Nick will miss almost 3 months of it right here at the beginning breaks my heart. I know that this is the life we chose to have together. I knew that he had a job that called for him to be gone a lot before I married him, but I don't think I realized how hard it can be sometimes. I think I would be handling this a lot better if I was closer to home, but I'm not, I am half way across the world. Once I thought of that, it was like a snowball. I realized that Maddy will no longer be here, my friend Samantha will be leaving a few weeks after him and it made me feel so lonely. Thinking about Maddy leaving also got me all upset. Sure she has her moments when I feel overwhelmed with her, but thinking of not having her here, is very upsetting to me. I am used to having her here when he's gone now. Life will be much more quite and lonely that's for sure. Truth is I don't have many friends here. Sure I know about a dozen people but no one that I really hang out with much. I have Tangela, my neighbor, and Britteny, who's due in July, and some other people I could hang out with. But I don't know about all that; I am sure I will sometimes. A lot of time I do want to be alone, but I am also used to Nick being home within a few weeks of being gone. The thought of living here for over 2 1/2 months without him seems unbearable to me. I know some people would just use that time to go back to the states, but I can't do that. First of all, there's my pets that would cost $150 a week to board. Second, there's a rule of not being away from your house for more than a month or you lose it. There are also a lot of other issues that would come into play. Like how often do you stay with this person or that person. Kara won't be old enough for her passport to be done yet. Having a newborn without a set schedule and way of life. It sounds like more work than anything. I know that will be every one's solution for me, but I know that it's not what I will feel comfortable with. So I just have to come to terms with it and know that I will get through it. I know God has his reasons, so I am trying my best to see the good side of things. Keep in mind I said TRYING. I realize it could be worse. A lot of military people are gone for 6 month to a year. So I am thankful it's not going to be that long, but no matter what it's always a scary thing. I won't even go into the things that freak me out about him being over there. Part of me is always a little angry with him when he shows excitement about a deployment. I realize he has to see the good in it or he would be miserable, but it's still hard. I tend to take it personal at times, I could never enjoy knowing I would be away from him that long. But to each their own.

So after the joy of this news, I head to my appointment, crying the entire drive. I did my best to straighten myself out before I saw the nurse. Although she still asked me if everything was okay. I lied and said, "Yes, I am just tired (I am famous for this line when I don't want to discuss something)." So I had to stay later at my test because baby Kara's heart wasn't accelerating like it was supposed to, which worried me a little. I also had 3 contractions while I was there. I had discussed with the nurse my worries over a pelvic pressure I have been having. She said that since the baby's head is so low that will probably keep getting worse. She also asked if I had my cervix checked yet. I told her that I haven't been checked and preferred not to be until after Nick gets back. I can imagine how freaked out I would be if I had already made it to a one or two. I would rather not know. So she agreed for me to wait. I am just hoping and praying this little one will hold out a little longer. She seems very excited to enter this world.

So being that I have been typing for over an hour now, I think I will try to take a nap. I don't want to think all these sad thoughts anymore. I feel tired and exhausted. I am going to keep telling myself, "When God closes a door, he opens a window." Thanks for listening.

The pic cracks me up, it looks like she has a cigarette in her mouth. That's the way she carries her bone around. Look at these rotten little dogs laying with Nick. They adore him and get depressed when he's gone. Aren't they cute?After her first hair cut. I love the bows. She was hesitant to go outside with her new do.

I know, I know, I went a little picture crazy today. I just loaded pics to the computer and wanted to blog them. I hope you enjoy the happenings around our household these last few weeks. I find it all very exciting. :)

Hard at work!Aren't they pretty?Tinkerbell was trying to help her find them. Yes, she's a ham!! LOL

Maddy had a good time decorating the eggs and an even better time finding them. After she found them all, Nick and I had to wait for her to hide them from us. It was a good time. She's been carrying that Easter basket around ever since. She claims she's little pink (she doesn't have a red cape) riding hood with it. It's a trip!

About Me

I am married to a wonderful man with a heart of gold, but don't tell anyone he doesn't want his secret to get out. I have a stepdaughter (Madalynn) that I adore, a little girl that is a total princess, a son that lives in heaven, and another baby boy on the way. Losing Conner was the hardest thing I ever lived through, but thinking of him never fails to bring me a smile. We have three pets: Anakin (a 4 pound adorable Yorkie), Tinkerbell (our female yorkie lapdog),and Chloe (my mean but beautiful white cat).They provide me with so much entertainment. My husband is in the military so we live in Okinawa, Japan. We like it, but are ready to be stateside again. I am starting this blog because 1)I am bored over here and 2) to let people see what I've been up to. Love to all of you!