Gretchen The Squid

This story concerns an enormous squid named Gretchen, who lived in the Caspian Sea and who wanted more than anything to be an accountant. Gretchen's family had always been supportive of her interests, but she knew her parents would never approve of her wanting to work for a major international accounting firm. They would never understand her longing to wear a smartly tailored suit, black pumps and glasses, to prepare annual returns for a Fortune 500 company, to find tax loopholes in unexplored places. This is what she wanted, more than anything - the suit, the office, the papers and PCs, the drinks afterward at a downtown TGI Friday's - but she didn't know where to start. Surely most of the best accounting schools, the University of Illinois, say, were not accustomed to admitting giant squids into their programmes. And even if her parents consented, even if the school did admit her, as some sort of diversity-building experiment, there would no doubt be discrimination, misunderstandings. The other students would wonder, for example, if Gretchen would at any moment grab one of them with her powerful suckers, then quickly grind them up with her razor-like hooks and devour their eviscerated remains. Could she guarantee she would not? Sadly, she could not. She was very good with numbers, yes, but she was also a giant carnivorous squid, and one with a ravenous appetite. Nevertheless, this newspaper invites you to write letters of support for Gretchen's accounting school admission. Address correspondence to the University of Illinois, School of Accounting, 34 Green Street, Urbana, IL, 61820, USA. Thank you.