Harry Asks MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D To Be Mine!!!

Sometimes, Massawyrm has not so much a stick up his ass, as much as that log that King Kong tossed into that chasm. I'm not sure exactly who kicked him in the balls and shat in his mouth before the screening of MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D took place at BUTT-NUMB-A-THON X, but his review reeks of the shit and nut pain that he seems to have placed onto MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D.
First, let's just put his completely missing the point of the film review out of our minds. Now, I'm not saying that Massa is a worthless film reviewer, he isn't. In fact we agree often, but sometimes... as with all people that have opinions on film, his head is so up in his own shit that he thinks he's a Colonel, when he's just seeing the kernals floating in his own colon. That said, I say this only because he's a dear friend that lives 2 blocks from me and we've been arguing like this ever since BUTT-NUMB-A-THON.
MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D isn't a REALISTIC HORROR FILM. If that's what you want. A horror film that brilliantly creates mood, conveys nuanced characters and an overwhelming feeling of dread, well this isn't that TYPE of horror film. I love that type of Horror. But films like CURSE OF THE DEMON, the original AMITYVILLE HORROR and the absolutely brilliant EXORCIST are few and far between.
However, there are Horror films of exquisite joy and fun. Horror films that cause your significant other to jump and clutch your arm, leg or whole body. Films that cause the gals to squeal and in the realm of 3D to block the blood from landing on their clothes... cuz those stains are a fucking bitch to get out. Horror film that has the best NUDE CHICK scene that I've seen in a horror film, maybe ever, takes place in OUTSTANDING 3D. A film with beautifully dimensional cratered out bodies are jaw-dropping and where you may find yourself inexplicably talking to yourself because you just can not believe how good the 3D looks.
Never mind the fact that this is a CHEESY HORROR FILM REMAKE of a CHEESY HORROR FILM. The gore here is far superior. They do a couple of the same gags from the original film, only far better accomplished. The opening sequence was a revelation - and completely counter to the type of 3D that we'd been watching. This wasn't so much a window into a world, as much a window OUT of that world... meaning shit will come at you. Body parts, tits, blood, viscera, etc. The beams of light from the work helmets and the dark of the mines and the depth of field were outstanding.
The early hospital massacre was stunning to behold. As the great Atkins is surveying the horror that Harry has unleashed, you just sort of gasp at the 3D. Ordinary cadvers that in a regular horror film would elicit a "COOL" suddenly elicit a "HOLY FUCK!"
How's the story? Well, it's basically your run of the mill Slasher Film story. It's more convoluted than the original, less straight forward, but adequate. Would I have preferred the more subtle direction of a 1970's John Carpenter - with a lower body count and a more atmospheric and brilliant film? Actually, no. That isn't this film. This film is a HAUNTED HOUSE ROLLER COASTER of a horror film. It has its heart set on killing just about every thing with legs.
Another title could have been 101 WAYS TO DIE VIA PICK-AXE, and man... doesn't that sound like great 3D fun?
The two younger male leads are annoying, but purposefully so. You're not supposed to care or focus on them. Instead, your sights should be focused upon Jaime King, Megan Boone and Betsy Rue... and your Horror Actor Man Crush will fall squarely upon Tom Atkins, who steals the movie... when Betsy Rue is stomping all over the screen full frontal with a gun in 3D!
But more on Betsy Rue's HORROR STAR MAKING BRILLIANCE LATER...
Let's talk TOM ATKINS. You may remember Tom Atkins' Nick Castle from Carpenter's THE FOG. He's the guy that picked up a hitchhiking Jamie Lee Curtis, only to bed her... fairly instantly. Ever since that moment, Tom Atkins has been my hero. He's GREAT in the original THE FOG. I liked his Sgt in THE NINTH CONFIGURATION, his small part in ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, his assholey Stan from CREEPSHOW's framing sequences, his Dr. Dan from HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH, his awesome detective from NIGHT OF THE CREEPS and his righteous detective from Lustig's MANIAC COP. He's been missing from the scene for just long enough for me to miss the fuck out of the guy. And right from the opening sequence, when he plays the sheriff investigating the period-era original crime... MAN OH MAN... They've made him look younger, and dude... it's like there's a missing part of 80's horror history playing out right before your very poked eyes. And not only does Tom Atkins look better than ever, but the fucker is standing there in glorious 3D! Now I can understand not hoping on the Tom Atkins nostalgia bandwagon and appreciating his fantastic turn in MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D... if... say... you came to a 3D HORROR FILM wanting something that this movie never advertised or purported to be. All this film wants to do is make an audience jump, scream, cheer and clap. And at BUTT-NUMB-A-THON X, that's exactly what happened.
Now... Let's discuss Ms. Betsy Rue. I don't know Betsy Rue in the real world. I've seen every inch of her body in 3D, I've seen her fuck in multiple positions in 3D, I've seen her pissed as hell stomping after her man with a gun naked into a Hotel parking lot... in the best stomping angry naked scene since Julianne Moore in Robert Altman's SHORT CUTS... and while the speech and acting was better in that film... the body, the context and the fact it was in 3D makes this one better. But the scene doesn't end there... oh no. It continues for quite some time, THANK GOD! So long, so bare, so delicious that the very first question that the director had to answer at BNAT X was about the rating and whether or not half of this on-going titillatingly awesome stalking chase and torment a beautiful naked lady in 3D that just refused to end. From what we hear, Ms Betsy Rue could not be convinced to put clothes on. And thus every last single horror geek that sees this movie will be going on and on about lil Ms Betsy Rue and that midget, those bed springs and the rest of the insane, amazing antics that her jaw-dropping and crotch raising sequence added to MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D.
In addition, the film was shot in Kittanning, Pennsylvania - which was last exploited by a horror film which is completely different, but equally beloved by me... THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES. The town has a great atmosphere - and the use of actual mines to shoot in with the newest - and cheapest, 3D camera yet. Oakley's 3D RED system, which folks... I'm here to tell you, the 3D it produced was absolutely breathtaking.
MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D isn't a great film. It isn't great cinema, but ya know what... it sure as hell is a great time.
Days after BNAT X, I had a couple from Vancouver that we met for BBQ at the SALT LICK - and the guy told us that he'd read about one's girlfriend clutching your arm tightly... of burying her head in your shoulder, but that he'd never experienced that before MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D. Sure, his girlfriend was a sheltered girl that hadn't really had a proper Horror film cherry pop till that night, but sitting to my right was a line of girls squealing and screaming properly. And afterwards I was just so thrilled.
In advance, I wasn't thrilled about playing MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D. It wasn't the title from Lionsgate that I was going after, but ya know what? When they pushed it, I asked them repeatedly... is it any good? The director doesn't have a very strong track record, but after this film - he's at least directed one film right on target. This is way more fun than it had any right to be. A film that basically everyone on staff at AICN had a blast with. And if you like FUN Horror films, prepare to have a lot of fun.
The only real statement of Massawyrm's that I can agree with is this... SEEK THIS FILM OUT IN 3D. Seriously. It makes an ok horror film and unforgettably wonderful experience.

Its got Tom fucking Atkins! I thought the man was dead. Love him so much from Night of the Creeps. Saw Journey to the center of the earth. Although it was a bad movie the 3d was great. Ill bet the crowd will be going apeshit on opening night with this.

Harry, thank God you've finally returned, fully formed, to your hillbilly roots. It's been ages since you've used the old "shit and corn" metaphor. I was afraid that, since getting married, you were somehow becoming more mature. Guess not.

This review is laughable. For reals. I was LAUGHING while I was reading it.<br><br>I'd love some one to count the amount of times Harry has brushed away obvious and legit criticism with the line "This isn't that film."<br><br>Harry, I know there's likable shit. There's a ton of SHIT movies that I love. THIS is not one of them.<br><br>I don't typically call people wrong for liking a movie...but, you are wrong.

I hear people here always bitching about SHOOT EM UP and SNAKES ON A PLANE, and I just don't get it. Those movies--like PLANET TERROR, which people here also bash--are just good old fashion fun trash. If you take them for what they are, they are quite fun. They don't reinvent the wheel, they don't feature Oscar-worthy performances, but they're about as much fun as you can have in a theater (unless you're getting blown, which would admittedly be better). I'm not saying this is one of those movies, but it certainly has the fun/garbage look to it. If it manages to be that, that's quite enough for me, thank you.

is up with you guys? What is wrong with a good old fashioned horror movie...in 3D?!?! What are you expecting, seriously? It's a 3D horror movie, it obviously isn't meant to be masterpiece, simply a fun movie to bring some good friends or a date to.
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I think you guy are taking this WAY too seriously. Good review Harry.

I've seen naked women in REAL-D. Tastes better than 3D that's for sure. That is NOT enough to get me in the theater. If it don't splatter it don't matter, THAT I will see in 3D. Damn Harry, would you rather watch Betsy Rue naked in 3D for 2 hours straight or would you rather fuck Yoko? If it were me, I'd go for the actual fucking but from your review I'm not so sure what you'd do.

frank has been, shall we say, indisposed (for a couple years), and has fallen behind on his film viewing. apparently, he hasn’t missed much. following is a list of the worst offenders so far. why should you care? face it, half of you are here to argue, and reading your idiot opinions is half the reason i’m here. you don’t have to care, just keep me amused. flame away! ----- in no particular order: DAY OF THE DEAD – by any other name i might have liked this, but i expected at least a vague resemblance to the original (when will i learn). SUPERMAN RETURNS – not the worst film ever, but could have used a lot more supering. DEATHPROOF – what a fucking joke. if i wanted to listen to broads yammering on and on, i’d hang around a salon. after PLANET TERROR, this was an absolute disgrace. shame on you, Quentin. seriously. GHOSTRIDER – i might have liked it, were it not for that god-awful motorcycle. MACHINED – every single copy should be catapulted into the sun (find the fat dude a decent role). ROOM 6 – everyone involved should be killed. DESPERATION – another abortion candidate. how can something that starts out so well, go so horribly wrong? CUBE ZERO – not a total disgrace (i liked the design of the cubes, and the BRAZIL look). SHUTTER – more like shudder. 30 DAYS OF NIGHT – (SPOILER ALERT) even the stupidest vampire would have known to leave town BEFORE THE SUN COMES UP! honest to god, how brainless can a film get (i liked it up until the end, i will admit)? BLOOD AND CHOCOLATE – how do you get financial backing for dreck like this? watching the money spent on it being burned would have been far better. i’d rather vomit for a couple hours than see it again. WICKER MAN – did someone beat Nick in the head with a blunt object? AN AMERICAN HAUNTING – break out the marshmallows. RETURN TO HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL – see ROOM 6 above. ----- in closing, thank god for EDWARD McKAY’S.

What you don't understand is this... Tomorrow - or late tonight, he'll call me up and we'll laugh our asses off quoting this talkback, because what we've just done is include all of you on what is two friends fucking with each other over a film. We got into it over this film till during my wife's birthday party and the other 5 times we've seen each other since BNAT.
<BR><BR>Do you guys really not have friends that you get down and dirty verbal slugging it out over a film that y'all disagree on? THAT'S WHAT MOVIE GEEK FRIENDS DO.

Lionsgate is not some sacred cow... I hate their SAW series, I'm disappointed in their SPIRIT and yeah - they have a lot of bad movies, but you know what... occasionally they put out something fun as hell, this is one of those.

I see you're a "Have My Cake and Fucking Eat It Too" guy as well! The Splatter-Quotient in 3D will be the reason for my ticket. I can have fun at a dumb movie as long at stupid people die is awesome ways!

I live in Kamloops BC, i've been patiently waiting for a mid-winter horror fix, i've been reading the hype and believing it, i even convinced my girlfriend that this movie would be a good idea, and what do i get?..Paul motherfuckin' Blart!
Envy is my personal favorite of the seven deadly sins, and with all do respect, fuck all of you Austinites who've already seen this. Who've seen Trick R Treat and Let the Right One In. Sure we get the Unborn up here, but thats like giving a staving dog a rubber biscuit. Dammit I wanted to see this movie! Fuck this podunk, white trash, piece of shit town that i call home. Fuck it in its stupid ass.

You gotta make your way to Langley...it's playing at the Colossus there in all it's glorious 3D...I called them today to confirm (I'm in Abbotsford)...
Might be a bit of a trek for you, but from the sounds of it, it'll be more than worth it...

My complaint was that every single thing in this movie, every single kill is entirely 100% fucking predictable. I wasn't scared. I wasn't jazzed. I was bored out of my fucking mind. I think that's part of what Massa is trying to get at, in that every single kill is with the pickaxe, and if you weren't watching it in 3D, there'd be NO reason to give a shit about what you were seeing. Add to that, the ending that is frankly insulting to the audience, and you've got the makings of a movie equivalent of a flaming bag of dogshit left on your front porch.

is a void that has to be filled now that mori has left. only the condescending, elite and hyper-pc need apply. zing! Seriously though I spoke about it in the past before (in talkback with mori and massa) I enjoy both of their opinions but always felt uncomfortable when mori would make an appearance in a massa review talkback to down talk massa. other folks noted it too but mori always cited some kind of moral superiority though came off looking like an ass when massa was the one who actually would take the high road and not respond to the public "shaming". and now mori has his one site in which to look down at others who don't share the same eloquence or humor. Didn't mean to drag up old wounds but comments in this talkback reminded me of those instances. And the fact that both massa and mori attended BNAT and I was just wondering if those made for awkwards meetings? (again, i love mori but he always came off as a dick in those instances)

...one or two years ago. I don't know exactly when, but I know that it wasn't really his opinion that pissed me off, it was more his wannabe-funny writing style. (Same with AICN downunder. Is that guy still doing his "And next week: Unfunny celebrity joke, unfunny celebrity joke, unfunny movie pun, unfunny joke, blabla The End.")

Like projection, or do you have to wear glasses and if so are they the red and blue ones or just the clear kind...also how to you tell if your theatre is showing it in #D do they need a special kind of projector or screen and will they pst whether or not it is in 3D or do you just have to pay to see it and hope it is

Choose the reviewer you agree with MOST frequently (in my case Moriarty) ... and go with their picks. I don't understand the folks who are constantly bagging on Harry. If you don't agree with his opinion, so be it. And it's spelled "kernel" BTW.

--disappointed in the "Saw" series! At least SAW knows what it's trying to be. THE SPIRIT is all over the map, has horrible writing, and has the editing style of an Ed Wood movie. Frank Miller has NO talent as a director. None. There is nothing on the screen that shows otherwise.

After being a regular reader of aintitcool.com for well over 4 years, I'm done.
It's been known for quite some time that Harry tends to like just about anything he sees and I was okay with that; what with Moriarty, Massawyrm, Capone and the like there was plenty of other viewpoints to take into consideration.
But when the "lead" reviewer of an entertainment review site starts his "review" by bashing a fellow reviewer into the ground, I call childlike bullshit.
I don't care whether you created the site or not Harry you don't go bashing on people with different opinions. (The LTROI cryfest anyone?) It's not professional by any means. Your post sounded more like a 13 year old prick on myspace than a "professional" critic...and that's becoming rather commonplace on this site.
And really? All this over MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-FUCKING-D? It's a shitfest and you know it, Harry. Either you have taken a seat in the front row of the corporate rollercoaster of greed or you're so easily amused by a film that you would write home about how great "Curious George 3: The Missing Big Yellow Hat 3-D" truly was.
I'm headed to hitfix, firstshowing and such for my film news from now on, so, goodbye and thanks for all the fish.

Harry's review pretty much echoes what I said in mine. I'm glad he came out from behind the HeadGeek chair and posted his opinion. I would hate for Massawyrm's wrong headed review to be the last thing AICN readers see before the movie opens this Friday. You really need to see this in a crowded theater in 3-D. Don't wait for DVD or you'll miss all the fun. And as far fucking with friends over movies, Mr. Knowles, I'm not nearly done kicking you in the balls yet over "Che." Not by a long shot. I'm gonna kick you once in the balls for every person in that theater for every minute of the full "Che" running time.

At the beginning of LIFEFORCE? That would be saying something. That alien vampire lady with the perfect body (walking slooooowly, so you don't even NEED to freeze frame) is still the gold-standard in gratuitous nudity if you ask me. But it's nice to know that young actresses today are looking to accept the challenge and keep raising that bar...(sniffle)

Harry didn't say Massa would show up, learn to fucking read. <p>
Also, if someone likes a movie and you don't, you can't say either is wrong. People like what they like, you can't change that, and you certainly can't say that one is right and one is wrong.

I saw Amityville, Jaws, Spacehunter, The Man Who Wasn't There, and Metalstorm in the theater, all in the theater, all in 3-D as a kid. They rocked because severed arms, charred corpses, laserblasts, and naked women all came out at the screen at me. Watching them all on TV and video later in 2-D... they suck, but that's because shit isn't being thrown at me. Why else would you see a 3-D movie, if not to have shit come out of the screen at you?
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MBV has boobs, blood and pick axes coming out of the screen? I'm there. With bells on. I will not judge the film for it's plot, characters, or socially redeeming value; but on how many objects pop out of the screen. The five year old in me is getting giddy for this movie.

Why not address Wyrm's undeniable points of contention? If there's a killing spree within the first 20-minutes that tapers off to one-shots that are all repetitively done with the pick, then this sounds like one very boring horror movie. And what about the part where he wrote how the film cheats the audience at the end of the film?<P>If you addressed what Wyrm wrote instead of beating your chest about how wrong he is without explaining why, then your review wouldn't have such a resemblance of having shit on the guy's review. This is poor form and does nothing to urge me to consider your review over his.

Harry & Massa disagree on a film. Happens all the time. He says Massa's full of shit...next week...Massa will say the same thing about Fatso. Who the fuck cares. <p>
Siskel & Ebert did that shit all the time when interviewed separately about films they disagreed on. The point is...pick a review you think matches your sensibility and go with it. <p>
Neither of these a-holes are 100% RIGHT about this movie anyways...it's just their frickin OPINIONS. I take away from it...Massa had respect for the source material and was let down...and Harry was just lookin for shits n giggles. <p>
So...This weekend...If you were REALLY jazzed about this remake...and hope it is as good or BETTER than the rest of the horror movie schlock out there...then ya may wanna skip it. <p>
If yer lookin to get high and check out some awesome 3D madness...or wanna take a date to the flick to get her in your lap by the end of the movie...and just have fun with it...you probably WON'T be disappointed. <p>
It's just a matter of taste, people. Harry didn't throw Massawyrm under any bus here...he just just thinks Massa came at the movie all wrong. <p>
Personally...I'm stickin with Massa's review.

if only for posting a review of Bride Wars in which he claimed to be disappointed in the film's quality. Sure he couched it saying it failed to meet his low expectations but having any expectation of being happy to have spent 2 hours watching Bride Wars is damning. Maybe what we need is a 3D movie of a pick axe battle between Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson. They'd have to lose the gowns and at least fight in bra and panties if not nude for it to be truly great.

Well said. It's my memories of seeing those same 80's films in 3D that has me geeked up for this one. Not to mention old Channel 48 out of philly showing Return of the Creature and other black and whites in 3D back then.

They are both right. Except...Massa saw it in the theater, too....In 3D...and still hated it. <p>
But that doesn't mean they're not BOTH right about what they took away from the movie. <p>
I'm skippin this one...but this gives me great hope that AVATAR will indeed fuck my eyeballs this year. If the 3D was amazing for this crappy slasher flick...I can only imagine how awesome Cameron's 3D effects will look.

I enjoyed it for what it was - find every way possible to kill somebody with a pick axe in 3D. Would I pay to see that today? No but I would have 20 years ago wthout blinking my eye before it got bashed out in 3D. After all, I was at the opening night for Friday the 13th part 3D on a Friday the 13th if my memory serves me correctly and for that I really enjoyed this film because it reminded me of all of the great times I had watching csmpy horror.

I noticed a lot of guys here saying that the film is cheesy, dumb and intentionally bad, like that is a good thing. They also take people for task for actually expecting something good or demanding quality, as if being a horror film somehow protects it from the normal criteria of a good film. <p>
Look, some films are fun and enjoyable DESPITE having bad acting, direction or plot, not BECAUSE of those things. That is like saying George Bush made some good decisions while he was President BECAUSE he is a retard, not DESPITE that fact. <p>

In other words, Massa did a reviewers review and Harry did a fan's review. Dont go see it if youre looking for a "film", but do go and see it if you like this sort of thing.
Good review Harry, it was fun. I can't wait for Massa's retort. Might I suggest to him to blast your Twilight review? Perfect.

I walked away from my dvd mountain of Oscar Screeners to join some friends for what I had hoped would be a FUN night at the movies. Guess what? We had all had a fucking BLAST! Went to the first Thursday night late screening with a cast of misfits in the audience and the movie was a fun return to 80's Horror where you simply went for the bloody fun kills with a side of tits and ass. DOUBT had to collect dust at my house tonight because, well, if you catch a movie on the right night, you can actually have FUN and not feel guilty about it.

It's overrated on this site. I was bored the whole time. Not much to enjoy when people kept getting the pickaxe to the head. The acting was wooden. They tried to over ecplain shit. The 3D format hasn't really evolved much. Also Tom Atkins biting it looked like a video game. How dare they? Not even full frontal female nudity in 3D is enough to recommend this boring joyless mess. Where was the fun?

My friends and I saw this in 3-D last night. We were all very bored. The same type of death over and over again. Most of the movie was characters talking, which would have been okay if you liked the characters, acting, or the story. Which you don't. This was not the best slasher film since the 80's. It was just a bad slasher film. Period.

It was fun, yet a bit overpriced. A lot of you would have apparently shit on THE TINGLER with Vincent Price, or other shitty gimmick movies from the past that only had one goal - to be good ol' stupid fun. Lighten up.

Fuck you, Harry! What good are you? "Twilight?" Now this? Just admit you are a corporate whore.
I too can enjoy a film if its done with style and some fun, not hackiness and boredom. The original sucked too, so what did I expect? I expected to be at least entertained in the most rudimentary sense-I was not.
You have no ethics or scruples and now, obviously, no taste. Seriously, what the fuck?

At least Friday the 13th Part 3 had some decent nudity from the ladies and creative kills. THe kid walking upside down was my favorite. We seem to be a more disgusting society than we were 25 years ago, why don't we prove it in our films? Christ, if I had a chance to make a slasher film it would be filled frame-to-frame with tits,blood and brains and punk rock music.

have you seen this ?
it full of tits , blood and brains....no punk rock tho , just went with my little sis, good dumb fun, why are you people upset with it , it was never going to be a fucking oscar winner you bunch of tards....
do you all wear flyd mittens