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The lingering ex...

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old FemaleOkay, so I have known my girlfriend for about a year, and we're currently in our third month. She was married to a boyfriend of 8 years, and her ex before we was 2 1/2 years. When we first started dating her and her ex would talk all of the time, but it was because he owed her around $3500. She kept trying to get the money, but never got really 'nasty' about it. She would threaten to take him to small claims, he would promise to pay her that week, then 2 or 3 weeks would go by with no money. We went on a one-week trip together and, as soon as we got back, she found out that he had HALF of the money, but he refused to mail a check and demanded that she meet him in person to get it. I got angry and said "Hey, maybe it's about time you clamped down and took him to small claims court," and she flipped out. She said that she couldn't be mean to people because she "wasn't like me" (whatever that means...) and that he was a man of his word, she trusted him, yadda yadda. So, long story short, he paid her $3000 of the money he owed her and that's the end of the story. right? wrong.

For the next few weeks he called a lot. One day I was in the bathroom and I heard a beep - her phone was in the room with me. I looked and it was HIM texting her. The text said "You know that this relationship wont last, you called me and said yourself tyhat you miss me, you're making a mistake." I confronted her on it and, instead of being upset, she got angry. She said "If you believe him over me then I don't want you around anyways." Defensive, much? About two weeks later I wake up to make her breakfast and her phone beeps again... it's a text from him saying "good morning stinker butt." Stinker butt isn't a term that friends use in casual conversation... Again, she was mad at ME for looking at her phone. Thankfully, two weeks go by and he (I thought) got the message... He has stopped calling. He hasn't texted, hasn't called her cell, hasn't called the house... So what happens? The other day SHE calls HIM. What is going on here? I'm obviously suspicious, but she gets angry everytime I even mention it and just says that I'm being controlling. She even said "We had two years together, you can't expect that to go away overnight." Hey, I dated MY ex for 3 1/2 years and I don't still talk to her... If it DIDN'T go away overnight then it would mean that I shouldn't be dating anyone until it HAD gone away, right?

I think the worst part of this is the jealousy and ego. See, she's a pharmacist. Beautiful thin blonde, very smart, has everything going for her. I am a year away from having a teaching degree, I coach football... I have my act together, too. Her ex husband was a (pardon the expression) white trash loser. Bad teeth, grungy looking, had a criminal record, dropped out of high school and worked at a tire warehouse... a total loser. Her ex (the one calling now) is a high school dropout, he's 38 and still lives with his parents, he had sex with her neice (who was 18 at the time... a 35-year old that had sex with an 18-year old) before they started dating... He used her money to run around chasing his dreams of being a "semi-pro volleyball player." I mean, these guys are absolute LOSERS, and neither of them are even remotely good-looking. So... whats the deal? It actually insults me a little bit that I am lumped into the same category as these two guys, and it makes it even worse that one of them STILL manages to contact her all of the time.

So, am I out of my mind for being suspicious? Why does she act like a total %$&@# to me whenever I ask her about it?

When you run down her exes you are running her down too. She is not going to feel good about that.

A three month relationship is a drop in the bucket. You are running a great risk of turning her off.

My advice is to giving her space and have more compassion for her. Trust is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. Relax and show her you are a man who can control himself when under stress.