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Milan-Roma Preview: Gold Rush

This preview was meant to be about what an important match
this is for us. How three points will give us Champions League qualification
for next year, and the prestige and money that goes along with it. How Roma
interrupted our run of form in December with a resounding
4-2 defeat, and why they might try to repeat that performance on Sunday at
the San Siro. But all of that pales in comparison to the more important issue
that has dominated the thoughts and fears of Milan fans worldwide since
yesterday: what our players will be wearing.

I wonder if you can turn these jerseys in to those cash for gold places.

The prospect of gaining Champions League qualification loses
some of its glitter when faced with the reality that we might be competing in
that tournament with a third kit that is blindingly… gold. As a California
native, having studied about the Gold Rush of the mid 1800’s it makes me
wonder… if a prospector from that era were to see the new Milan third kit,
would he survive? I mean that much
gold, in one place, and with a handy pocket to hold extra gold nuggets? I am
quite sure it would be too much to comprehend and cause an immediate coronary
and imminent death. Which is nearly the reaction I had when I saw it yesterday.
Maybe it’s just the Californian in me. But if I’m from the Golden State, living
so close to Hollywood and all of its glitter, and I think it’s too much, then how can anyone think it is tasteful?
Or even appropriate? If there’s one thing I learned early in life, it’s that
not all that glitters is gold.

But for Sunday, maybe I should hope that maybe all that
glitters is gold, considering the
dress code. Although I have never experienced glittery football, I hope that
despite being made to look like cheap gold watches that you buy on the street,
our team plays really good football, more like elite Rolex watches. Because
despite having been beaten by Zeman’s attacking, but less successful Roma in
December, I almost fear Andreazzoli’s more defensive and definitely more
successful team now.

Perhaps the Roma job will come down to who can gesticulate the best (sorry, Andreazzoli. Allegri wins)

Roma ‘s current form is D-W-D-W-W-L, but don’t let that fool
you. Okay, let it fool you. Call it fool’s gold. They are very inconsistent.
For example, the first draw was in the intense Rome derby. Whereas the other
draw was to bottom of the table Pescara. And their loss on Tuesday that
officially took them out of the running for third was to 11th place Chievo at
home in the Stadio Olimpico. It is more likely that the Mayan
calendar was correct and we are living in a post-apocalyptic world than it
is likely to be able predict what Roma will do on Sunday.

However, I can tell you who Andreazzoli did lineup on Tuesday
(since it is in the past): Lobont; Marquinos, Castan, Burdisso; Totti, Pjanic,
De Rossi, Piris, Dodó; Osvaldo, Destro. I can also tell you that there is
apparently a slight chance that Steklenburg could be fit for Sunday. And I can
tell you that Osvaldo, like El Shaarawy, also has 16 goals on the season, so he
will definitely be looking for goals, not gold. Considering that as a caretaker
coach, Andreazzoli is auditioning for a contract for next year, he will truly
want to make up for Tuesday’s loss, and maybe that draw against Pescara a few
weeks back, too. And if you believe the papers, he will be facing off against
his biggest competition for the Roma head coaching job next year, Allegri, too,
so he will definitely be in it to win it. Plus, there is still the confirmation
of the Europa League spots, so… let’s just say Roma hope that they are not the
ones who will be wearing the fool’s gold.

"Are those kits made of real gold, or are Milan just trolling me?"

As for the team who will actually be wearing the fool’s gold
(or are a prospector’s heart attack,) this is even more important than we
thought the Napoli game was. Instead of just following a pipe dream for second
place, we are panning for the gold of any participation in Champions League
next year at all. That is no fool’s gold, that is some serious cash. So
although it will be difficult to take the players seriously when they take the
pitch in jerseys like gold lamé, rest assured they will be taking the match
very seriously.

I like to believe that El Shaarawy was intentionally rested
for the last 35 min. on Wednesday so he could be available to start on Sunday.
Balotelli can boss even the tackiest jersey, so expect to see him, too. The
question will be who else Allegri trusts to start up front: Niang was solid on
Wednesday, but so was Robinho. And Pazzini came on with fire, too. Knowing
Allegri, to compliment the sheer monstrosity of the jerseys, though, he’ll put
Boateng up front. That would be fitting. Fool’s gold, indeed.

The attention to detail is amazing. A small, welted pocket at the right upper breast is what every footballer dreams of.

For the 37th consecutive league match this season, I will
say that I would like Boateng to start in the midfield or not at all. Not that
anyone will care, but I just have to say that so I can justify my postmatch
comments about him. Speaking of the midfield, Ambrosini was on the bench on
Wednesday, but should be available to start on Sunday, theoretically. And
although Muntari scored on Wednesday, his skillset as a regista is nothing in
comparison to il Capitano’s. Plus,
Ambrosini had to do the promo pics in the gold shirts. He is probably
traumatized, and should be compensated with the start. I would also start our
current golden boy of the midfield, Flamini. I’d be afraid of him pulling a
Flamini Special™, but he’s absolutely earned the start.

The defense is a bit of a conundrum. Allegri will probably
have his usual question of De Sciglio or Constant, but with Constant’s
ridiculous approximately 95% passing accuracy on Wednesday, the younger one may
be spared the glare of the jerseys, even if he also did promotional pics. For
me, there is a bigger conundrum at center back. Mexes should be back and 100%,
but he always gives a little more than his all when we face Roma, his former
club. Which is not a good thing. (cue red cards, fights, suspensions, etc.) So
if Allegri is clever, he might put Yepes back out in his place. Also, Yepes’
skin and hair color is more likely to look decent in the new jersey, if that
helps with Allegri’s decision.

Somehow the nose bandage seems the least tacky thing in this picture.

The jerseys will be such a distraction, but at the end of 90
minutes, if any of us are still enjoying the gift of sight, the result actually
will be the most important thing. Maybe the gold jerseys are meant to represent
the money that the Champions League offers, and so will serve as a glaring
reminder of just how much is on the line in this match. Or maybe Adidas just
got a deal on the hideous metallic fabric and decided to punish its biggest
club who has had the most ridiculous season. I’m not sure. But what I hope is
that our boys play the game of their lives, seal third place and our Champions
League dreams for next season. Then the jerseys will be lucky, a kind of
cultural phenomenon. Just like a gold rush.