HOW TO KILL A LION (Corporate Edition)
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Infosys Method:

• Hire a lion
• Send him for training in Mysore and make him feel like the KING OF THE JUNGLE.
• Make him take a ‘Generic Compree Exam’…………LION TURNS INTO CAT.
• Make him take a ‘Stream Compree Exam’…………CAT TURNS INTO A MOUSE.
• Send him into production which has nothing to do with what he was trained for.
• Mouse runs here and there for help!!
• Send him mails telling about mandatory certifications.
• Mouse commits suicide.

TCS method:

• Hire a lion.
• Give him a hell lot of work and pay him government salary.
• Lion dies of hunger and frustration

IBM method:

• Hire a lion.
• Give him a pink slip in an hour.
• Lion dies of unemployment.

• Hire a lion.
• Ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do.
• Give him Gobi65 to eat again and again.
• Hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit.
• Give them same Gobi65 to eat.
• Hire 200 more……. and more …….
• All of them dies of suffocation.

Accenture Method:

• Hire a lion.
• Send him to Chennai, India.
• Ask him to stay on bench for a long time.
• Ask him to eat idli, Dosa and Vada.
• No Hindi, Kannada or no other languages speaking people other than TAMIL.
• No good food, No water.
• Tell him “Go Ahead be a Tiger”.
• Lion dies in confusion... he is a lion or a Tiger!!

Cognizant Method:

• Hire few lions.
• Make them to wait for more than one year for joining.
• Send lions from Hyd to Chennai and lions from Chennai to Hyd.
• Train the lions on Java/Dot net and ask them to join testing team.
• Give lectures on “Lions First” and ask them buy books on “Lions First”.
• Relocate the lions from one jungle to another jumgle and tell them you are to going a better jungle.
• Send old lions to African jungles (Onsite) and never rotate them to Indian jungles.
• Old lions at Africa becomes king of the jungle.
• Indian jungle lions becomes frustrated waiting for onsite and eventually joins any of the above jungles (TCS, IBM, Accenture etc)
• Lion dies according to reasons appropriate for above mentioned jungles (TCS, IBM, Accenture etc)

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Infosys Interview Jokes

Interviewer : BabanRao Dhole-Patil Inst it ute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate : Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it ..
What happened is – due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in 12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him ‘baap’) – “I cannot invest so much of money”. (The baap actually said – “I will never waste so much of money on you”). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name – BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate : Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it ? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot.. I think they should ban it .

Interviewer : Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate : No, no… I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate : Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it . In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra ) through some relative.

Interviewer : Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing ‘lower’ education it self was so much of pain!!

Interviewer : Let’s talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate : Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platforms. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer : And which languages have you used?
Candidate : Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate : It is a common sense – C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up w it h a new language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it . But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer : What is your general project experience?
Candidate : My general experience about projects is – most of the times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata Info Tech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.

Interviewer : Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn’t be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important – I know few words like – ‘Showstoppers ‘ , ‘hot fixes’, ‘SEI-CMM’, ‘quality’, ‘version control’, ‘deadlines’ , ‘Customer Satisfaction’ etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate : Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand..
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress Code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there are Olympics coming up in China in the current year, I don’t mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don’t have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer : he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our
organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to INFOSYS.

The fellow was appointed in a newly created section ‘Stress Management’ in the HRD of Infosys.

So Excellence is not the only thing Needed. Its the Unique Quality of a Person which can let anyone to Success. Work on Your own Field rather then following somebody else's Path