The subtle signs that they’re interested

Photo by Aaron Chatha Her eyes say no, her lips say no, the restraining order says no... but her toes say yes. Flirting “experts” who emphasize the importance of body language are missing out.

After a long, frigid winter there’s nothing better than a spring fling to shake the icicles off your junk, and who knows, perhaps that post-winter fever might just last into the long summer nights.

Meeting people is often a tricky prospect and in my meandering through various authors for research I have come upon some of most insane advice that may be out there. Whether it’s desperately pleading with your family, acquaintances and even strangers to set you up with whomever they deem suitable or sending subconscious signals to a “potential mate” based on the position you happen to be sitting in, these writers are reaching and possibly turning out droves of paranoid, flinchy wanderers.

To think that any movement you make or a trip to the store is an opportunity to pick someone up may be optimistic, but it’s most likely just plain unrealistic. Granted, these authors hearts are in the right place, but seriously?

Sandee Brawarsky is a New York matchmaker who wrote How To Meet Men as Smart as You Are. To her credit she encourages women to be confident and put themselves out there, but some of her advice verges on desperate or just plain strange.

First, she encourages single girls (who she targeted when penning the book) to essentially market themselves, meaning speak to everyone you know about considering the eligible men they know and dropping your name and number. Brawarsky says friends and family are a given, but don’t discount the random people you’d never think to harass about your loveless situation, like: your mail carrier, because on the day you stay home to catch him or her, at the very least they’ll have plenty of gossip to share about the neighbourhood bitches; and, of course, your own children can help, no pressure though!

Or your lawyer; I can just picture it, your divorce lawyer sets you up with another paycheck in mind.

Okay, now we’ve cast our net. What are some other strategies according to Brawarsky?

Try some of these:

The next time you get a call from someone that’s the wrong number why not strike up a conversation? How would that go I wonder?

“Hello… Oh, I think you have the wrong number, but do you like walks on the beach?”

Says Brawarsky: You’ll never know if your taxi driver is an underemployed PhD unless you ask. That sounds like an equally awkward, as well as insulting, conversation.

“Hi, I need to go to Fourth and Seventeenth. So, are you just doing this until you’ve found better employment?”

Get in touch with a public figure you admire, says the matchmaker. I’m pretty sure this is stalking.

But the pièce de résistance is the always popular option of renting a bicycle built for two, riding it around your favourite park and offering the back seat to anyone who looks interesting. Parents will usher their children away as they point and stare.

Tracey Cox did a lot of research to write her little ditty Superflirt. Although it is interesting in terms of human interaction, it sells the idea that the most imperceptible signals are pointing to how attracted someone may be to you. Problem is you’d have to be a super computer to actually catch most of it and some of her advice is just stupid.

Says Cox: “If you point to your eyes with a pen while speaking to them this will show them you’re interested and as an added bonus it subliminally makes people think you are smart because you’re pointing to your brain.” Uh, yeah! That’s all I need to do. Degree be damned.

The normal face scan, the act of looking over a person’s face when you first meet them, lasts three seconds. But, according to Cox, if you scan someone’s face for 4.5 seconds, they’ll know you’re interested. Get out your stopwatch people.

The author says a woman’s keen if “she’s crossed her legs at the thighs” while seated. Huh, no wonder everyone thinks I’m such a tease, all I need do is sit with my legs apart. Of course!

Also, if a person’s feet point toward you and they move in your direction they are interested in you, biblically. I thought this is simply what happens when you speak to someone. This is getting more confusing.

Don’t argue, says Cox. Invent an excuse to get up and move around the room or if you’re standing, sit down. Why not just shriek “Hey, look at that over there!” That’ll shut him or her up. Yep, the old bait and switch, works every time.

Cox says these are some signs that people are ready for sex:

His sentences are short and half-finished and he’s breathing quickly. Are we sure this doesn’t mean he’s already having sex with you?

His thighs are tense and his hips are moving in a subtle thrusting motion. Uh, see previous.

His lips are red and swollen and his nostrils flare. Just put a big scarlet swatch of fabric in his face and say “Ole!”

There’s a flush of colour or slight rash on her neck, shoulders and chest. That’s sexy right?

She’s smoothing her clothes over her curves. Maybe she’s just itchy from her rash?

Altogether this all sounds like zero hour at any bar I’ve ever been to, I now know what to do the next time a red-lipped, pelvic thrusting, not-just-looking-but-not-staring-guy on a two-seater bicycle skids to a halt in front of me to proclaim that I am interesting-looking and that I should jump on the back seat: I will point my feet at him.