Heaven's phone answering service

March 5, 2006

Jan 4, 2002 Dov, in biologicalEvolution.

Forwarding a message received from a friend :

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling Heaven. For English, Press 1. For Spanish, press 2. For all other languages, press 0.

Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for Requests. Press 2 for Yom Kippur. Press 3 for Thanksgiving, or 4 for Christmas. Press 5 for Complaints. Press 6 for all other inquiries.

I am sorry. All of our angels and saints are currently busy assisting other sinners. However, your prayer is important to us, and will be answered in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to: God, press 1. Jesus, press 2. Moses, press 3. Holy Spirit, press 4. If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while on hold, press 5. To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 6, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the pound sign.

If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.

For reservations at Heaven, please call 1-800-K-A-D-I-S-H or enter J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, apes, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang-up and try again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:00am. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local rabbi or pastor.