Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin Are Probably Back Together Already

While your pedestrian separation was a pauper’s poorbox that ended with your husband realizing he’d rather live in a one bedroom efficiency that smells of various beefs and jerkies than spend another minute with you, Gwyneth Paltrow’s conscious uncoupling has poured rose-hued, spiritually rejuvenating tea into the Croatian hand cups of her marriage, according to the Daily Mail. For you see, when you ritualistically prepare your mind and body to transcend such mortal enclaves as love and commitment, you are at once prepared to let your husband have sex with as many other women as he wants before he grows weary of worrying about genital infirmities and unwanted bastards, common traps of the underclass. This is why you fail where Gwyneth has prospered. Now, bow to your queen and bring her tidings of meerkat milk for graciously enlightening you has given her thirst, and her palette shall suffer nothing less.