An open Valentine’s Day message to my sisters…that I am inflicting on everyone else.

Standard

Mornin’ all.

My friends, I have gone down a rabbit hole.

When I was a kid, we had Valentine’s Day tea parties. We’d come home from school to pink hearts made of tissue carnations on the wall, pink “tea”, cookies, Valentine’s bags with cards and chocolates, “Spooky” by The Zombies playing on the record player.

…actually, do this: Go to YouTube, search for the song, and let it play in the background while we chat. I promise it’ll add to this experience. Because it is an experience we are about to have together, folks. Make no mistake.

But, we’ll get there in a sec.

So as you can imagine, wonderful Valentine tea party memories make me nostalgic. It’s worse because I had all boys and have never been able to recreate those times with the next generation.

Fun fact: little boys have very little patience for tea parties, by and large. I’m sure some little boys would enjoy them, but not one out of the four of mine was ever interested. If you’ve got a little boy that’ll tolerate you acting like a lady ONE FRICKEN DAY OF THE YEAR as if that’s SOOOO much to ask after how many times I’ve pretended to be impressed with the winner of a burp-off, hug him and count yourself lucky!

I get to really missing my fellow tea party attendees and the hostess. Since the nearest sister lives 800ish miles away now, I turned to Google images to find just the right picture to send so I’m not tripping down memory lane by myself.

“Oh, Bethie.”

Yep. And now we have the rabbit hole.

I did a search for “Valentine for sister”. I shit you not, this was the first image that popped up:

Let’s try and look past the fact that this girl is sodomizing a cow. I know it’s hard, but we can be mature here and realize this image was from a different time with different sensibilities.

Right?

Bestiality aside, what in the holy hell does this have to do with “Valentine for sister?” Have I so thoroughly confused Google with my endless random questions and unusual searches that the AI actually believes this is a reasonable offering when I’m searching for a Valentine salutation for my sister?

I have. I have asked too much of the algorithm. I’ve pushed it beyond its limits. I’ve done it, guys. I’ve broken Google.

It’s the only explanation for the suggestion above. And lest ye think it’s a one-off bomb of an offering, here are sixteen more suggested Valentine’s cards.

For my sisters.

“Got the mock up for the new cards you gave me, Phil. Swell. Bees knees and all. But I just wonder what a little kid taking a dook has to do with Valentine’s?”

“Didn’t you see the heart I put in there, Dan?”

*squints* “There it is! Missed it the first go around.” *turns to print room* “Ink it, fellas! Let’s make some gal swoon!”

I’m trying to decide where to go with this one. I mean, obviously in the gutter, but which way? Regional jokes seem petty, incest quips are too easy. I think we should just move on. That seems like the best plan.

I just could not stop laughing. I’m still laughing. Imagine actually getting this Valentine. Someone legitimately gave this to another human being in the hopes that panties would drop and steamy fun times would commence as a direct result. I don’t even know the guy and I feel bad!

…okay, Google nailed it with this one. I would legit send this to one of my sisters. Bethie 4 – Google 1.

Subtle. Realllll subtle.

Also…can we just take a sec to address the fact that all the innuendos are on cards depicting CHILDREN? I mean, I know it was another time and place, but don’t tell me that wasn’t a straight up sex joke on a card of children, made for children to give to other children. Guys. Wtf.

Is it possible to nope the fuck out of Valentine’s all together?

*laughing so hard coffee splashes on the monitor* *wheeze* *spasm* Oh my god. I can’t catch my breath. *tears streaming* What on earth would possess anyone to draw this abomination? And put it on a card? A VALENTINE card?? I 100% guarantee you the person who received this card never dated the poor sap who sent it.

At first I thought this was a kitty gifting the recipient of the card a fishy. But check out that “come hither” stare of unrestrained desire on the fish’s face. So is the fish supposed to represent the object of the kitty’s affection?

“Bethie, I think you’re analyzing these cards a little too deeply.”

I’m just asking if the fish is a gift, or if there’s an old timey fetish happening here. I think the world deserves to know.

I mean, he *did* say “please”. She kinda had it coming.

“BETHIE NO!”

JOKES people. Jokes. Sheesh.

So the story here is that this dude’s going to keep screwing alllll the ladies except for the sad chick in the pic. I mean, he says he wants a girl “like” you. Not you. Yet, it looks so friendly at a glance. Old timey folks were low key savage.

Did this shit work? I’m honestly asking. Who made this crap? Who thought this was the way to get someone’s interest?? I do like the fact that they put the rivet spinner on his eye, though. Got what you deserved, you controlling little shit. Heh.

Nothing says “I’m sweet on ya” like cat rape! Go get ‘er, scamp!

…I apologize. That last bit should have been an inside thought, not outside words. I’ll do better.

Look at that boy’s expression. I am so uncomfortable right now.

There’s not even an attempt at pretense anymore. The guy is literally breaking into the woman’s house and saying he’s going to MAKE her his. But it says “sweet” in a heart, soooo…

Last, but certainly not least, we are taken on a safari love hunt by a kid wearing a life preserver as an Easter bonnet, with bullets for eyes and a glory hole mouth, walking past a tattooed rock while a cat-bear hybrid roots him on.

Thus concludes a quick Valentine’s musing for Wednesday, February 14, 2018. I’d apologize for doing this to you on a day filled with love, but you know me too well to buy it. At least we went through it together. And isn’t THAT the real meaning of Valentine’s Day?