How often do you think or say these thoughts? If you have a mind like mine, it is frequent.

Every few minutes, life throws something at us that we don’t want – traffic, dirty dishes, a gray hair, a screaming child, an uncooperative partner or co-worker, disapproval, a difficult project, bills. And then there are the inevitable tragic aspects of life like illness and loss.

The reason you think something shouldn’t be happening is because you have a set of rules in your head about how the world should work, how you should be, how others should act. Your set of rules about another person’s behavior is your “manual” on that person.

We walk around all day insisting that life and other people follow our manuals and meet the demands of our minds. Naturally, we want the world and other people to change so we can feel better. And when the outside world conforms, we do feel better. Until something else that shouldn’t be happening does happen.

It can be a roller coaster. Our emotions are at the mercy of people and things out of our control. We can spend much energy struggling with difficult emotions and trying to rearrange people and circumstances in order to feel better.

But what if we tried it the other way around? What if we adjusted our thinking to the world and others? What if it’s an inside job?

What if it’s a matter of managing your mind instead of managing people and situations?

How to gain such freedom? This is where my coaching work, comes in, but here is the first step:

The next time you find yourself thinking that something shouldn’t be happening, step outside of your mind and just notice your thoughts. Your mind might be using words like “He shouldn’t…, or “I can’t handle this.” Also notice that everyone might agree with you (“You’re right, this should not be happening! This is awful! You don’t deserve this!”). But also notice that you are arguing with reality. And that just isn’t useful. It puts you in a place of resistance, irritation, anxiety.

All the stress that we feel is caused by arguing with what is. -Byron Katie

From this place of observing your unhelpful thoughts, coaching can help you uncover the results that stem from those thoughts and then apply various “tools” to the thoughts to get different results.

However, simply noticing your thoughts can reduce their impact. In the situation that “shouldn’t be happening,” you may choose to reduce contact with someone, leave, make a request, pray, express your feelings, do nothing…But your action will come from a place of peace instead of a need to change people or circumstances to feel better.

Sometimes, the people or circumstances change for the better anyway!

Want to see where a thought like “This shouldn’t be happening” takes you? A thought leads to a feeling which leads to an action which creates a result in your life. If you find a feeling, action or result unhelpful, there are coaching “tools” to apply get some space from that thought.

Let me show you how this works. We can work through at least one of your “sticky” thoughts in one coaching session.

The investment for one 50-minute coaching session over the phone is $107. But my package of two sessions is an investment of $179.

Years ago on Mother’s Day, I wrote a letter to my daughters to express my hopes for their lives. I share the letter here because I have the same hopes for all of you!

Dear Ella, Maddie and Molly,

First, I hope that our home is a place where you feel free to be yourselves – where you can proclaim your brilliance and awesomeness and also share your fears and doubts – where you know you are loved and accepted and always belong.

I hope that you take care of and love yourselves – that you nourish those beautiful bodies and you are kind to yourselves in your thoughts. As you grow older, I hope that you surround yourselves with people who reflect your kindness, encourage your growth, and extend the safe place to fully be yourselves.

Life is messy and imperfect and sometimes difficult. As much as I would like to protect you from all of that, I know my work is not to shield you, but to help you navigate the challenges, make room for mistakes, and believe in your ability to do hard things. Whatever life brings, you will handle it. God always has a plan for you.

I hope you discover work that lights you up, that calls upon your strengths and allows you to contribute to others’ lives.

Every day, I hope you do what is most important to you. I hope you define success as doing just that. I hope you give more consideration to being the person you want to be than to what others think of you. I hope you know that your worth is not dependent on titles or accomplishments, that you are always enough. I hope you choose growth over perfection. And that you don’t take it all too seriously.

I hope you enjoy peace and savor beauty.

I want you to know that Daddy & I and your grandparents, aunt, and uncles love you so much and are so happy that you are all here.

Finally, I hope that you continue to treasure the relationships likely to be the longest you will ever have – those with each other.

Unless you’ve experienced clear-cut trauma, you may not think you are walking around with an emotional wound.

But emotional wounds are part of being human.

Normal human life includes betrayal, loss (visible and invisible), exclusion, criticism, insult, isolation …even if you grew up in a happy, loving home.

You may be tempted to think that your wound is not significant in comparison to that of war refugees or starving children. But just because it is not as serious does not mean that it doesn’t hurt or need healing. And, you are better available to help others after you’ve healed yourself.

How do you know if you are carrying an emotional wound?

Feeling lost or directionless or a lack of enthusiasm can be a sign of an unhealed emotional injury. It doesn’t mean that you have a mental illness; it just means that your emotional wound has gone untreated.

And that injury can keep you from moving toward (or even imagining) your right life.

How to clean your emotional wound and become strong in the broken places?

Find the emotional injury. Poke around in your memory and notice what feels painful, what you don’t want to talk about.

Find a listening ear. Find a person who: genuinely cares about you, is not pre-occupied by his or her own unhealed emotional injuries, is not afraid to talk about emotional issues, and can empathize with your pain without having to immediately “fix” it. This person is preferably a trained therapist or coach but could be a trusted friend. (If you’ve experienced trauma, including abuse, a qualified therapist is necessary). Tell your story, a bit at a time, to gauge your trust in the person. If you feel comfortable and understood, continue your story.

Tell everything. Tell the whole truth about the most painful experience(s) of your life. Take responsibility for your actions and uncover your painful feelings. Eventually, you will need to tell everything because the truth heals. This will take time. As we say in coaching, it’s like peeling an onion, layer by layer.

Accept compassion from another and offer it to your yourself. Accept as much compassion and you can handle. When you accept compassion from your trusted confidant, you allow for self-love. You allow yourself to nurture your own growth and care for yourself as you would a loved friend or family member.

Give yourself the gift of time. Embrace the grieving process (denial, anger, grief, acceptance) each time you experience an emotional wound. It may feel like a wild ride, but if you don’t clean that wound, you will stay in denial for a long time. Know that the healing takes place inside your own heart and mind, not out in the world where you may be tempted to confront the cause of the injury.

Self-love is the single most important tool you will ever use in your search for your own North Star - Martha Beck

This process will guide you into a state of emotional health where you may start to notice creative ideas, and levels of enthusiasm and energy you never experienced. Trust me. It’s magic to tell your story to a compassionate witness.

Perhaps you have a hard time saying no, feel responsible for others’ feelings, avoid disagreement and conflict. You may find great discomfort in someone being angry at you or discomfort with negative feelings in general. Setting and keeping boundaries may feel risky.

Easily confused with kindness (similar to the way that perfectionism can be confused with healthy striving), people pleasing covers up a desire to make other people think and feel they way you want them to think and feel. When the word make is involved, it’s about control. Even when you’re trying to make people feel good. Harsh huh? Stick with me.

Specifically, we like to try to control others’ opinions of us, to have them approve of and like us.

First, notice when you say or do anything that is not honest for you, not authentic, not in line with who you are. When are you sacrificing your own needs, wants and values?

Second, notice when you are doing something inauthentic in an attempt to make a person feel or do something.

Then, go back to your business and who you want to be. Act from a place of truth, self-love and knowledge that all of your emotional needs will always be met whether or not another person likes or approves of you.

What would you feel, say and do from a position of emotional security? This is genuine love and kindness. No neediness. No desperation.

Be of service without attachment to others’ business. Set others free to think, feel, and do.

Acknowledge that people will feel what they feel without you making them feel.

Is people pleasing getting in your way? Would you like to get clear on your own thoughts, feelings and values? Get To Know You here.

Relationship experts recommend that we get to know the inner world of loved ones in order to build connection.

If you don’t really know someone, you can’t truly accept, value and love them. The same goes for yourself.

How well do you know the person you spend the most time with? What are your life goals, worries, hopes? What are you naturally drawn to? What really matters?

What belief is underneath your trigger in a conflict? What denied dream is leading to a repeated argument with your partner? What is your anger trying to tell you?

Connect with yourself so you can connect better with others, make decisions with more ease, act authentically, and live aligned with your values.

It’s time to lead your own life.

As a psychologist and life coach, I have been trained in how your brain works. I have studied relationship dynamics and have access to endless tools to uncover your thought processes, natural preferences, and values.

I have applied my knowledge and tools to my own life. I can empathize with you in your vulnerability.

Let me guide you awhile in getting to know the most fascinating person you will ever meet: YOU.

Become an expert on your thoughts, feelings and what really matters to you.

One 50-minute session: This is for you if you would like to problem-solve a single issue or if you would like an introduction to coaching to see if it’s a fit for you. You can leave the session with resources to explore on your own.

Investment: $107

Three 50-minute sessions (one session a week for three weeks with e-mail support and homework in between): Depending on your needs (determined by your responses to a questionnaire), we will spend each week exploring a different area (e.g. practicing a mind-body approach to discover natural preferences, identifying values, uncovering unhelpful patterns in your relationships) so that you can apply your new knowledge and awareness to your life.

Investment: $297

Nine 50-minute sessions over three months (three sessions/month with e-mail support and homework in between): This is for you if you would like get to know yourself in many different ways, would like to work on your thoughts to see your problems in new ways and create different results, and would like ample time to reflect, complete homework, and test new actions between sessions.

Investment: $875

Ready to dive in? Questions? E-mail me: maura@blueprintlifedesign.com

What’s showing up for you is a reflection of how you see yourself. -Oprah

Are you going through a difficult time? Have a problem that is distracting you from the rest of your life?

Would you like to sort out your problem, perhaps see it through a different lens?

Would you like to use this as an opportunity for personal growth?

Let me guide you through 3 coaching sessions to lift the hood, study your mind, unpack your problem, and decide on the next right step.

My individual coaching sessions are an investment of $107/session.

However, this package of 3 sessions is $275.

Questions? Ready to sign up? E-mail maura@blueprintlifedesign.com

Are you wrestling with a problem?

Would you like to see that it's really a chance to reach levels of joy and satisfaction you've never experienced before?

Maura Captain can sail you directly from a sense of being lost or stumped to being found and free. Practical, mystical, hilarious, and unfailingly kind, Maura is just the kind of coach I go to when I need hope and insight. Let her guide you awhile, and you'll learn how to steer your own life better than you thought possible. - Martha Beck

Love is “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”

Peck does not distinguish between love of self and love of others. We cannot be a source of strength without nurturing our own strength.

So love is about growth. You may even extend Peck’s definition to include mental and physical growth in addition to spiritual growth.

It involves effort to improve yourself as a human being. It is a form of work or courage. It is attending to your own growth.

How, specifically, can we express love to ourselves? Here are some ideas:

Take responsibility for your part in a situation and the creation of your life.

Get to know yourself so that you know what matters and where you want to grow.

Tell the truth and keep promises to yourself so that you trust and respect yourself.

Remember that you have a spark of the divine in you, that you are valuable.

Recognize that acting loving toward yourself is not always doing what you want or what makes you happy. My kids might want ice cream for dinner every night, but giving them what they want in this case is not caring for them.

Near the end of my first pregnancy (almost 16 years ago!), I hadn’t gained as much weight as recommended. My doctor was worried that my daughter was not big enough So he sent me home from an appointment with the words, “Maura, go eat some ice cream.” Have you ever heard a doctor say such a thing? I practically had a prescription for ice cream! This was so exciting.

What he gave me was permission.

Permission to do something enjoyable.

I am not advocating eating all of the ice cream you want, but I am suggesting you consider what you might be waiting on permission to do.

Would you like to be given permission to…

…wear the cute dress or swimsuit, start writing that book or building that side business, ask for a raise, look for a new job, ask for help, act on your own behalf, give yourself a break or a treat, feel joy (even if you’re going through a hard time), make mistakes, say no, say yes, play big, host friends, let your hair air dry (I know, it’s a scary thought), change your mind, feel your feelings, burn the good candle, buy fresh flowers, speak your truth, drink the good coffee, take care of yourself first, belt out Shallow while driving?

Would you like to be given permission to try coaching or therapy but you’re waiting for a crisis?

Would you like to use the good china every day but you only give yourself permission on holidays?

Don’t wait until you are in a crisis or until an ideal future has arrived to give yourself permission.

The needs for certainty and permission are the electric fences in your mind. - Martha Beck

Here is a fun exercise to uncover what you really desire. Jot down your responses to these sentence starters without giving it too much thought.

If I didn’t care what people thought, I would…

If I were sure to succeed, I would…

If I had the nerve, I would…

If I could be certain it was the right choice, I would…

If I weren’t worried about the future, I would…

If I had the freedom, I would…

This exercise is outlined in Martha Beck’s Finding Your Own North Star. It’s called Whizzing on the Electric Fence. (You read that right. Whizzing!). When I first did this exercise, I wrote down things like “become a life coach” (and I did!), quit work (I did quit that job!), take more time for myself and hire a cleaning lady (I am still working on those).

Martha suggests choosing one of your answers (that is neither illegal, harmful to others, nor physically dangerous), and doing it. Right now. Before you’re sure it’s fail-safe, or acceptable, or risk-free. Then do another one.

You will be breaking the rules (in your head) but you may uncover great joy and possibility. You can’t do it if you can’t imagine it.

What does it mean to be a force in the world?

It’s getting yourself to do what you want to do. It’s healthy self-love. It’s managing your mind (so that it doesn’t manage you).

It’s taking responsibility for your reactions and actions and telling yourself the truth.

It’s being clear on what matters most to you.

It’s taking action to move your life in a meaningful direction.

You make your greatest contribution and live as the person you want to be when you position yourself in this way.

The difference between who you are and who you want to be is what you do. -behappy.me

The opposite may be depression or paralysis. believing everything your mind tells you. It’s feeling stuck or powerless, being at the effect of others or circumstances, reacting to life instead of being intentional.

How to be a force in the world?

Since we create reality with our language, a place to start is by noticing the words we use.

The language in our heads limits us, often without our awareness.

Start to notice how often you use phrases like “I can’t,” “I should,” I have to.” These words drain us of power and energy.

Years ago, fellow coach Brooke Castillo said that she does not have to take care of her children (which sounded ridiculous to me at the time). She chooses to take care of her children (which is, technically, true).

It’s a subtle difference in wording that can have a great impact on our sense of self. Instead of feeling powerless, at the effect of others and circumstances, we have agency. We can act on our own behalf.

The next time you are invited to an event or activity, notice if you turn down the invitation by saying “I can’t.” Consider that you actually can, but you are choosing to do something else instead (of course, you may word it more carefully to the person extending the invitation).

By using “I choose” instead of “I can’t,” you are being truthful with yourself and making choices in line with your priorities. This is empowering.

Say you dislike your job and tell yourself that you “have to” stay. Try telling yourself, “I don’t like my job but I am choosing to stay right now” or “I don’t like my job, but I can live it with right now.” Doesn’t that have a different feel to it? Doesn’t it position you in a more powerful place?

One more example: Notice the next time your mind starts a sentence with “I am.” Anything that follows “I am,” affects our identity and therefore our actions. Behavior follows belief. Instead of “I am a mess,” or “I’m not good enough,” try “I made a mess” or “I just might be good enough.”

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. -Marianne Williamson

You are powerful beyond measure but you limit yourself with your words.

Don’t let your language limit your own inestimable power and value.

Would you like help cleaning the limiting language-based clutter from your mind? The Essentials Package is the perfect place to start.

I am about to share a concept with you that has changed my life and (at least I would like to think) the life of nearly every client I have coached.

If you ever worry about what other people think of you or think that others “should” being doing something or “should not” be doing what they are doing, this is for you (all of us!).

This concept comes from author Byron Katie who says that there are three types of business: your business, my business, and God's business. Your business is everything you think, feel, and do; my business is everything I think, feel, and do. God’s business includes things like weather and natural disaster.

We cause ourselves unnecessary struggle when get into someone else’s business. And we do it all of the time!

I'm in my kids' business when I think they should to listen to me, in my boss's business when I think she should respect me, in my husband's business when I think he should appreciate everything I do.

We get into the business of our kids' teachers, other drivers on the road, our family members, the person ahead of us in line…

I remember a client telling me that she wasn’t going to respect her mother if her mother didn’t respect her. Well, chances are, then, neither would ever respect the other.

It's so normal yet so unhelpful.

Unhelpful because...if other people don't follow the rules in our heads, we are spinning our frustrated mental wheels arguing with reality. We make our peace dependent on something out of our control. And, thoughts about what other people should being doing provide no clear action implications, leaving us stuck.

To get unstuck, go back to your own business. Is there a request you can make? A boundary you need to set? A consequence in place? An action for you to take?

"When you think that someone or something other than yourself needs to change, you're mentally out of your business." -Byron Katie

What can you do instead of waiting for someone else to change?

Tired of pretending that everything is ok? My 2-session Basics Package will help you get clear on what you’re thinking and feeling and what to do next. End the struggle here.

Are you making the people in your life wrong? I heard this question posed by Peter Crone on the goop podcast and it hit a nerve.

I’m really good at making my loved ones wrong. One of my three daughters (who shall remain nameless) does not have the same love of orderliness that I possess. We butt heads on the state of her bedroom. I don’t even have to say anything when I walk into her room; the look on my face makes her wrong.

Now, there are times when we need to point out a mistake or ask for a change in behavior. Often, the behaviors are more serious than a lack of tidiness.

How do we do this without making others wrong?

Peter Crone suggests that awareness of our tendency to make others wrong can make a big difference.

In addition to awareness, or catching myself in the act, here are some approaches that I am going to try as alternatives to making my loved ones wrong:

Begin with honest appreciation and express gratitude for each tiny step toward the ideal.

Make a request, not a complaint. Complaining is unhelpful self-expression; it’s unproductive. It does not communicate what we want and makes it less likely that we get what we want because it puts others on the defensive.

Ask the other person, “What can I do to help you (do what I requested)?”

Empathize. Ask yourself, “How would I like to be approached about this?”

Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings without blaming another. Instead of, “This mess is making me anxious,” or “You’re driving me crazy with this,” I can say, “ I make myself feel anxious when I walk into your room,” or “I am making the state of your room mean that you don’t care about our house or the things we have provided for you.”

Focus on the other person’s behavior (leaving clothes on the floor) rather than character (messy person).

Be curious instead of critical. Ask questions. Gain understanding.

Make the behavior seem easy to change, encourage.

So there are a few alternatives to making others wrong (so we can love them for who they are).

Let me know how it goes!

xoxo,

Maura

New to coaching? Don’t need a therapist but need more than a friend? Someone to support you who also helps you see your part in a situation? The Basics Packageis an affordable introduction to coaching that can provide you with mental and emotional relief.

We live in a demanding world. Our daily diet of judgment, criticism and comparison does not help.

I also happen to know that you’re smart. And the sophisticated language in your head is often used against you (by you!).

Even if you’ve checked all of the boxes on what makes a good life, you may still feel a constant hum of anxiety or lack of contentment.

Everyone is struggling. I’m talking about normal, high functioning people. It’s the kind of struggle or suffering that allows you to pretend everything is ok but enough to sometimes drive you crazy.

We need to adjust psychologically. We need to be mentally fit and flexible.

We need the skills that coaching offers - how to handle all of those thoughts, the difficult emotions, the desire for control and certainty in an uncertain world. We need to move in a meaningful direction.

This explains my focus this year:

Simple strategies for modern problems, with a focus on relationships.

Why relationships?

Because relationships are so important.

And they can be so damn difficult.

But first, let’s talk about important.

If I asked you what is most important in your life, I bet relationships come to mind. If I asked about the sweetest moments in your life, they likely involve other people.

You probably have not heard of the Harvard Study of Adult Development (because you’re not a psychology nerd like me; it’s ok, that’s why I’m here). Begun in 1937 (over 80 years ago!), it is a longitudinal study of mental and physical well-being. It hopes to uncover a formula for a good life. George Vaillant, a longtime director of the study, was once asked what he had learned from the study. His response:

“That the only thing that really matters in your life are your relationships to other people.”

Clearly, relationships are important.

Now, about the difficult part.

Relationships test and try us and have a way of bringing up the stuff we would rather not look at.

Relationships can take a hit in modern life. But these challenges can be a gateway to growth, a chance to understand and crack the coding that keeps you captive.

So this is what we know:

It’s hard to be human. Relationships are important. When you put humans in relationships, those can he hard too.

But, here is the exciting part:

We can do hard things.

We can learn the skills to handle ourselves in the face of difficulty and make our lives meaningful. We can affect our own mental states. I’ve been studying, practicing and teaching these skills for years and I am here to share my notes with you.

xoxo,

Maura

I bet you know at least 2 people who could use these skills. I would appreciate you forwarding this e-mail to them. Friends and family can sign-up right here.

You have a smart, sophisticated mind but that mind also causes you stress, anxiety, and worry.

How do we handle our minds when they scare and limit us?

Learn the essential skills to handle difficult thoughts and take action that’s right for you.

In two 50-minute coaching sessions, discover:

The nature of your mind and how it works

Strategies to handle difficult thoughts (you know, the ones that criticize you and keep you up at night)

How to take your life in a meaningful direction

Ways to coach yourself!

Time Limited Bonus: After the two sessions, you will receive a customized personal plan from me, with practices and resources (a toolkit) to help you continue to manage your mind and take action to make your life meaningful.

Stop the struggle. Don’t suffer more than you have to.

To sign up, e-mail maura@blueprintlifedesign.com

Investment: $179

(This investment level is a test I am running for my business. Individual coaching sessions are $107; this package price is for a limited time).

What have been the sweetest moments in your life? When did you felt especially you, especially whole, uplifted, connected?

What has been most painful? What are your struggles? Flip that over. What does that suggest you care about?

If you are writing your life as a story and you can’t control characters who enter or events, but you can control the theme of the next chapter, what is it?

Look at your answers. What do your responses suggest that you care about?

Try wording your values as qualities of being and doing.

For example, one of your sweetest moments may be your wedding day. It may seem like the value is marriage, but think about what kind of person you were that day or how you would describe your behavior. Were you loving and connected?

Did a particular trip give you a chance to be active and adventurous?

Do you want to be courageous with whatever comes in the next chapter of your life? Hardworking? Creative?