A mother talks about losing her daughter to cancer and dealing with the grief

“Grief is something you never get over. It becomes part of who you are; it always has a space,'' said Tammi Zeigler, who lost her daughter to cancer

It’s been four years and it still hits Tammi Zeigler whenever she does the laundry: None of her daughter’s clothes are there.

“How do I go grocery shopping and not buy her the microwave popcorn she ate? I couldn't eat it myself for like three years,” said the 42-year-old Franklintown woman whose daughter, Miranda Zeigler, died from high risk acute lymphoblastic leukemia in January 2009 at age 14. “Grief is something you never get over. It becomes part of who you are; it always has a space.”

“Everyone always asks, ‘Do you ever get over the loss of a child?’ Deep down, the answer is no. It’s a profound experience,” Blackall said. “Our job is to be truthful about what’s happening and to help families find ways to talk about it and to support them in how they choose to handle their grief. Each one is different.”

The following is a look at how the Zeigler family coped and some advice for parents facing the possible loss of a child to serious illness.

Facing the diagnosis

Tammi Zeigler and her husband, Jeff, 41, endured an intense, five-month journey into the world of pediatric cancer.

“It came on so fast; it was like getting hit by a train and then it dragging you,” Tammi Zeigler said. “But we never thought Miranda was going to die. There was always hope; always something else to try.”

Once parents negotiate the heart-stopping news that their child has cancer, most rally and set their minds to doing whatever it takes to fight the disease, Blackall said.

“It’s very common that parents think their child may die, but does it become a paralyzing fear? Usually, no,” he said. “There certainly are times of intense suffering, but I remind them of how resilient they are and try to move their attention to where they have control – your child needs you to be present, to advocate for them, to keep the family functioning.”

Talking about the illness

Blackall counsels parents to “let the child drive the boat” when it comes to talking about possible death.

“Studies show that children as young as age 4 know they’re dying,’’ he said. “However, every family functions in their own way and they don’t need me to give them advice but to help them clarify what they’re experiencing so they can make decisions.’’

Blackall said he instead helps parents learn to apply the skills they already have to caring a child with cancer and learn to feel competent in the process.

Parents have to make unimaginable decisions – like signing a “do not resuscitate order” or choosing to try a drug that could have life-altering side effects.

“I felt like I had to give the doctor the power to say when it’s time to stop [treatment] because, as a parent, you’ll want to keep trying anything,” Tammi Zeigler said.

The Zeiglers chose not to talk with Miranda about death and they have no regrets.

Early on, Zeigler said her daughter knew people died from cancer, but “I don’t think she ever, for a second, thought that she was going to die.” When her condition deteriorated, Miranda wasn’t able to process it, for which Zeigler said she is thankful.

The impact on a marriage or relationship

For a marriage that’s struggling, the death of a child can deal a fatal blow. For other couples, like the Zeiglers, it strengthens their bond.

“We had to respect each other in our grief journey,” Tammi Zeigler said. “I was probably going to bawl and Jeff would bottle it up and try to fix it because that’s what men do. The most important thing for us and for our son, Scott, is that Jeff and I are strong in our relationship.”

Blackall said it’s important for couples move their focus away from different coping styles and toward blending them together in a healthy way that can help each other.

The Zeiglers have benefited from channeling some of their grief into Miranda’s Smile, a non-profit foundation that raises money to supply things like iPods and laptops for teens with cancer.

Tammi Zeigler also reaches out to other parents of children with cancer, offering advice, support, whatever they need.

“God didn't give us this experience not to use it. Sometimes, to be honest, that’s what gets me up in the morning,” she said. “This is what Miranda wanted to do when she got well – help make it better for other kids like herself.”