Confused

I have always found a way to find answers all my life though it has been a rough one. Been always able to find work and friends -very few- and things to do. I turned 60 on the 5th of May, have been out of work since January. No one in my life for over 20 years and friends ether moving on or away. Making new ones has been anything but. My only friend is my cat whom I trust and love more than most people. My bank account is almost gone now and finding work has become desperate. Doing jobs I profoundly hate but do it to keep the lights on and food on the table. But now once again unemployed, a bad back, can’t seen to recall things like I use to and I seem to be suffering from something called dyscalculia. I’m tired of trying, tired of being knocked down and getting back up to be knocked down again. I’m tired of working but not out of being lazy I’m just tired of having to make that damn green stuff just to be something. I held off on unemployment help thinking I could do this myself but after realizing that it was not that easy I got assistance. But that is gone now, savings is gone and checking about there. I’m a good person, have always believed in the old fashions ideals of life. Yes there are people in this world far worse off than me I get it. But I want to be one far less with MY situation. I don’t tell the free clinics doctors about my depression because it becomes record though privacy laws are supposed to keep it sealed one knows that even the slightest hint of my feeling could get me committed or forever blocked in getting any work again. And now I am rewarded with grief, anger, age and no work. I have applied for so many jobs some I know I couldn't really do but did it anyway. I am I too old to work to young to retire? The only thing that keeps me from going to a hotel room and calling it quits is what little bit of fear of God I have left and my dear little furkid -cat-. Absurd? Strange? Maybe but its how I feel. I’m tired of the whole thing at the moment. All these feelings, so confused and see no answers but one. And it’s becoming more evident in my thoughts every day.

Lee, welcome to forum. I understand where you are coming from. I am 55 and retired from my job because of stress. Have a small pension, no med insurance only hardship VA med which I may have to pay back in full on 2017.
I too have thought about checking out yet realize it would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem . I have looked for jobs yet my health is a mess.
I just try to find the positive which is not easy yet find small things that matter

Hey Lee, welcome to the site. I'm really glad you found us, and I hope you'll stick around here and continue to post. There are lots of people who will understand where you're coming from and offer support. *hug* Here if you ever feel like talking.

Yeah you're not alone in this dilemma. Too many of us find ourselves in that shoe. Just hope something comes up for you that you can do for now. What about a side job? Something simple like getting someone their food for gas money etc ....someone knows of someone who needs little bit extra help like their aged parent needing to be kept eye on or cooking for them just to get the dollars here and there?

Do you have unemployment offices that help you look for jobs there? Perhaps look into @DrownedFishOnFire 's suggestions as well. If anything it's a place to start.
I know it's frustrating and hard to keep trying and not feeling you are moving forward, but I really hope you will give yourself another chance.

Btw I have Dyscalculia myself... and the 'trick' I've found is to use calculators, and not be afraid to ask questions, and always double check my own results and when writing down numbers. My dyscalculia extends from issues with maths, to telling right from left, learning instruments and some logic things, and managing my own economics... I also seem to sometimes write 'h' instead of 4...
A positive side note is that most Dyscalculics have a high IQ, and are a lot more creative than other people. You can't get the Dyscalculia diagnosis without having an above average IQ.

I know it's not an easy thing to do, but try to list all your positive sides, and look at how to use them to improve your situation. Sometimes it's a lot easier to see the negatives (I know I am an expert at that myself...).

I hope you give yourself a chance to fight. Good luck with everything!

I don’t tell the free clinics doctors about my depression because it becomes record though privacy laws are supposed to keep it sealed one knows that even the slightest hint of my feeling could get me committed or forever blocked in getting any work again. And now I am rewarded with grief, anger, age and no work.

They take the HIPAA laws on privacy very seriously and getting committed is actually very difficult unless you state you intend to walk out the door and immediately harm yourself or somebody else and refuse to recant they are not going commit you- and even were they to try they have have to prove to a judge within 72 hours. I might suggest actually treating the depression and the other things that come with it like mood swings, rage, and feelings of hopelessness will make both getting and keeping a job far easier - as well as allow you to focus on what you want to do or how to change your situation instead of how crap you feel. It is hard for many peopel and I would suggest is even harder for many males/older males to talk about "feelings" so it is embarrassing and not something that would come naturally- but it is literally destroying your life now. At this point since you say you cannot get/keep a job anyway and are ready to kill yourself there is not much down side to actually getting help and treatment to deal with the the issue that is likely making everything else in your life seem so hard.

You absolutely deserve to have things much easier- and you really can- but it has to start by recognizing that the problem is at least in part with the way you feel making everything so much harder than it needs to be. It is not your fault in the least - nobody asks to feel like this and it is not because is weak or something broken inside you anymore than having strep throat makes talking hard or a broken leg makes walking hard- but when you have depression and associated mood issues then everything your feel is much harder and everything you do is much harder and takes longer and goes slower- all things people pick up on. Please consider treating that and see if the others things do not become at least a little bit easier to deal with as well.