Tag Archives: turn-based

I would say this is what happens when a game studio doesn’t hire dedicated writers, but looking at the DarkElite Studios website, they have several. I think one of their staff is even from Blizzard, but even throwing a name like that around did nothing for MOAV. Certainly one of the worst games that someone is asking money for. I am not sure why the most terrible games I have played are mostly RPG’s, but this one made me shake my head in disappointment numerous times. It wasn’t all bad, just mostly. Come with me as I plow through this clusterfuck of under-utilized potential. Wow. What a keynote.

Let me start this review off by naming the many things this game did right. The music in Memories of a Vagabond was pretty spectacular. It was appropriate, enjoyable and I often found myself tapping a toe. Battles often found themselves alongside the usual battle-music, while the boss fights had a badass metal riff going. Music provided an acceptable variety with a new jam for each area. Granted, there were one or two recycled songs, but they were still enjoyable. Another fantastic feature of the game was the art. If you are feeling nostalgic for the old days of RPG, a la FFVI or Chronotrigger, this pixel art will definitely feed that craving. Every sprite is lovingly crafted, the areas are imaginative and exotic and the characters are pretty fancy. And when I say characters, I mean all the characters. This leads to anther really great element of the game: its soul-mechanic. Throughout the game, you get the choice of playing as 4 different characters: warrior, mage, bounty hunter and assassin. Should you die, you also get the chance to change to another body. Almost made dying worth your time. I spent most of my time, however, as the Bounty Hunter. That honestly concludes everything good that I have to say about this game. Get your snorkel out, baby. We’re going down into this shit.

You’re right. Not everything on Steam is worth playing after all…

Oh my godness is right. I have combed the Dark Elite site looking for evidence that they are primarily made up of people from a non-English-speaking country, but I have found nothing either way. I can say that it seems they could afford to pay for someone to look over the writing on their site, so there is no reason they shouldn’t have been able to correct the gross errors in their dialogue. And it is beyond a few adorable mistakes here and there, they literally have numerous instances of the most common errors in the English language. It seems the editing was either done by someone who is not familiar with English, or the writers just didn’t care. The main story-writers have names seemingly of French origin, so I will give them some leeway here. However, with a dedicated person for text-corrections, I have to wonder if she played through the game even once to pick up on its myriad English faux pas. I will decorate this article with examples in pictorial form as Vlad the Impaler decorated his castle with corpses: to show others what not to do. Granted in Vlad’s case, the message was “you should move to another country”.

Moving on from the language and toward the story, I have to say that this seems the biggest gripe I have over low-budget indie games. They are willing to cut out story and writing in favor of mechanics and coding, which makes some sense on the surface. Codeslingers are the ones that make the game playable. Without them the mechanics, engine and other important elements won’t work. Of course, if you skimp too hard on your writers, as MOAV seems to have done in spades, you get a game that isn’t tolerable. Some fucking morons and reckless retro fanboys might be willing to overlook such “dispensable polish” as story and language, but one of the things that was so spectacular about retro games like Final Fantasy and Chronotrigger was the level of detail they paid to story, art, music and the entire package. In this title, you have a game story that is a joke compared to those games. Your character starts off proposing to his love. No fault here. After a night in bed with his beloved where they “sleep” (I rarely believe titles anyways), she is pulled from bed by some evil demon, who then kills you. After a visit to hell you meet some soul-dealer that will rent you a new body for the low low price of any dignity you soul might possess. If you chose the old man body, that shit is on you. Later you find out, pretty unceremoniously, that the soul-dealer and the demon were working together. The best part is that the soul-dealer is all prophetic when you meet him, then, after time traveling to defeat the demon and save your lady-love, you see him sitting out front the house with the evil demon as if they are both ro-sham-bo-ing for who will steal the broad. I face-palmed. Now they aren’t actually doing this, I am being dramatic, but then he turns to you and you shout something like “traitor!” and this soul-dealing demon of fate replies, “look guy, I don’t know who you are, but I have lives to ruin right now. Take a number and get in line.” Not an exact quote, a creative paraphrase.

Lift a.. what? That sounds like it could be gross. I wouldn’t want a demon lifting his “finger” on my wife either…

There is also the matter of your fellow adventurers. The only one that gets any real explanation is the bunny-girl, who spends a lot of her time early on being inadvertently sexual, and she makes a big deal out of sleeping in a bed with you. She tells her employer that she wants to explore the world, then you suggest she do it with you, to which she replies “that was my idea.” So we have some cute, though awkwardly-handled war-of-the-roses banter. Fun. The other characters are sort of just lumped into your party after you do a mission with them. Nothing is said, and you never tell them that you will be fighting demons. Imagine that conversation “Yea, I am out to find my fiancee, kill a couple eldritch demons of screaming horror, then be home in time for tea.” It almost feels like this game was getting down to the wire and they didn’t have time to throw in any real material for the characters. They are all pretty flat, beyond a mission or a little feature here or there. The hero doesn’t even allow them into the conversation most of the time, occasionally talking at them amidst exploration. As long as they bring their gear to battle. Sure, one is a mercenary, but treating that as an excuse to just have a character thrown into the party that sits there and attacks back is just lazy scriptwriting (not the code kind), and makes me think someone didn’t put more than a weekend into it.

There were also a number of 4th-wall breaking elements of the script that felt less like clever little “we’re making a game” jokes, and more like careless writing. In some places it even felt like an outright refusal to give any fucks and arrogant dick-wagging like they thought they were creating some masterwork. This is barely a finger painting. Granted, it was hung on a billion-dollar refrigerator, but Steam needs to learn how to vet its selection. This just shows low standards.

While we are talking about characters, there is this fiancee. With all the attention paid to her side of things, she might as well be a Princess Peach life-size sex doll. At least DLC Quest had the decency to call their lady “Princess McGuffin” and obviate the fact that she is little more than motivation for the hero to act. I am not one to go all activist on a game, but she is a sex-token that does nothing for indie games and treating women with any kind of respect in gaming. At the end I thought she would turn out to be the villain, but she just kind of lilts and says how glad she is to see you. Y’know, like a good little Stepford robot. See those bodies around on the ground? They are, as I realized hours later, her fucking family. The hero pays them no mind, nothing is said about them if you “interact” with them. There is no dramatic elements drawn from the wholesale slaughter of her family, and they are not explored in any fashion to give you the feeling of them being anything more than randomly selected sprites on a rooftop. There is a vague dream-sequence that I just now realized includes them, but they say these detached lines and mill about in a spectral manner. It feels like they are just figments of the dreamworld, and they have as little relevance by now as possible. Any drama to be gleaned from them is diluted heavily.

Man, these thatch roofs are fucked!

There is also the matter of ???? island. Wander to the lower-right edge of the main continent, and you will find a row boat to ???? island. It has a small town with some guy that buys journals and another lake with a fishing spot, one of two in the game that I found. Go inside the houses, and the rain follows you. Sure, there is some thatch roofing involved, but they were never this bad. Seriously, it is like aliens invaded only to replace their roofs with holograms before disappearing without evidence of having been there. At this point I realized the entire game is a broken, unfinished mess. Or so it feels. It’s almost as if the game has cardboard cut outs stuck up and put out. Sure, you could argue that publishing unfinished games is now the industry standard for indie games, and you’d be right. But that is for “pre-release” or “early-release” games, not supposedly completed titles like MOAV. And with a name attached to this like Blizzard, I have to wonder where that guy’s influence was. It must have been a case where someone knew the guy and he stood in the room and used their bathroom to give some credentials to the title. Don’t be fooled. This is not a piece of mastery, it is a shoddy piece of work that is scarcely better than the games that my friends and I made on pirated copies of RPGMaker 2000 back in middle school. Before Steam. Fuck you, shit was tough to come by.

Fuck you, guy. I will gladly drink whiskey from your skull this night.

Overall, this game is pretty easy, non-complex and has a storyline with as much depth as a snack cracker. The characters mostly feel like cardboard stand-ups and the language and writing is so god-awful unprofessional that I almost puked. I feel like this is what CoD players see at the epitome of RPG gaming, because the other RPGs are too “complicated and wordy” for their tiny brains, although I am certain they would phrase that “fagit gamez for FAGGITZ!” The best parts of this game are the music and the art, which seemed to get all of the attention. The mechanics have a lot of potential, especially the soul-changing concept, but that could have been better employed. I would have liked to see the developers give each body a different story that you had to help sort out before being able to find your own lady and resolve your own quest. Instead, this plays like a twelve-year-old raging through the world after his sex-bot is taken, bashing in the heads of any nebulous foe that appears until he gets strong enough to fight the last bad guy. There was also a battle arena, but that was literally like putting up a sign saying “grind here. we were too lazy to make an actual game.” I didn’t even bother to try fighting in there. Another point of interest. I didn’t want to purchase the services of the mercenary in the beginning, thinking “hey, the devs might have added more interesting and involved characters later.” I mean, all I did with this guy was meet him and get his axe in exchange for armor. Then at the end, each character gets a nostalgic little send-off, which would be great, except that there was no bonding with the characters. There was no interaction. Just, “I helped you so you’re now my friend that will help me get my sex-doll back.” This game costs money , too. It is currently 5.99$ on Steam. 5.99$!!!! I wouldn’t give them a turd in a blanket for this game, let alone 5.99$. This game should be 0.12$ on itch.io or Desura, not cluttering up Steam and making it dirty. Not recommended, but you are certainly welcome to make your own judgments on this one. Steam needs to get some standards, this game is evidence.

Generally, I like to promote games from indies in need, but this is a story too deeply bizarre and intriguing to pass up. Veterans of the AAA gaming industry have broken off and teamed up to create X-tactics (pronounced Cross Tactics), a game that will link gaming across mobile and PC platforms for an exciting blend. Honestly, the anime art might not be my usual bag, but the concept behind this game is so vast and exciting that only the Japanese are crazy enough to do it right. Ingress better watch out, shit’s about to get real.

First things first, who the fuck are these people? Our developer in question, GAMKIN, is the product of minds from Square-Enix, Sega and Capcom. Those names drop harder than Skrillex does his bass, but still it stands. This is a game that will be rendered by veterans from three legendary household names in gaming. Fuck. These guys got together in late 2013 and they have spent most of their time in Japan away from the warm lights of our hemisphere. Mostly they’ve been working with interactive children’s television and collaborating with local game schools to cultivate next-gen game devs. So these guys are legit philanthropists with a serious mind for our future. Now they turn their thoughts again toward gaming, and this beast, which they’ve gotten fully funded with 33 days left on their Indie GoGo clock, threatens some formidable levels of awesome. For a little perspective, the campaign launched on the 8th. This means they achieved their primary goal in just 6 days.

GAMKIN has a lot on their plate when you look at their plans. The platforms they will be releasing on include iOS, Android, Kindle (2014), PC, Mac, Linux and Google Glass (2015), and none of those are stretch goals. The features of the game are complex and paint an exciting picture of gaming interaction. First off, this is another genre-fusing game. Its main components are tactics, fighting and urban exploration, with a 50%, 25% and 25% split, respectively. In their own words:

When we set out to make X-Tactics we didn’t want to make just another tactical game, nor attempt to create some sort of perfect tactical game. Instead our goal as developers here is to create something new. We combined equal parts of tactical gameplay of classics like that of Final Fantasy Tactics and Valkyrie Chronicles, together with fighting game mechanics and aesthetics, like those found in the Street Fighter series, to create a new gameplay experience, that we at least have not seen done before.

– GAMKIN on Xtactics, Indie Go Go campaign

Now this doesn’t explain the other 25% of the game, but let’s stop a minute what this means for PC gamers, as PC and MAC will be options for the game. The game itself will use turn-based tactics to create a high-speed gameplay environment that focuses on treacherous close-quarters combat, as you might find in an urban setting. Your heroes won’t be able to take ridiculous amounts of damage to the face, so you will need to make quick moves and calculated risks to achieve victory rapidly. Failing to do so finds you at the business end of some purple alien’s psychic attacks…

… and that suit screams “business time”

Each battles takes up the full screen, and each mission will be comprised of several battles. With one screen active fights will be tightly fought, so bonuses like flanking, support, destructible furnishings in the environment and traps will give you a serious edge and change the battle’s dynamics every time you play. X-Tactics will also utilize an initiative system, which they compare to that of Final Fantasy Tactics, but I will translate that to the American readers: shit’s going to battle like DnD. Initiative will be based on speed and turn order will be thereby determined. This will also open up the ability for seasoned players to fine-tune their initiative-order to get their team members to unleash dual combos and team combos. Not to mention, enemies will come in waves each battle, so you really have to get that ass in gear and wipe out your foes before more arrive!

What does this all mean for mobile users? Honestly, this part looks to be the most exciting. GAMKIN is going to use GPS information to create a variety of missions that will allow you to defend your neighborhood, school or workplace from outbreaks and other dangers. Each character you have will even have locale-based storylines that will be unlocked depending on where you are, so the exploration is highly encouraged. Where this game will really shine is how it will use the GPS of your device to investigate your surroundings, reveal hints and uncover treasures. This will open up to more modular features where users can organize their own location-based events and treasure-hunts with friends. In addition to all this, the game will be sensitive to the time of day, moon cycles and even weather to unlock events, initiate outbreaks and influence character abilities. Having the mobile functionality will also allow for 4-player co-op missions, so you don’t have to be anti-social with this title. And for those of you guys who shelled out the outrageous amounts of cash to join in on the googe Glass explorer program, the team will also have a companion app that will assist with the urban exploration part of the game. If that isn’t enough, they will also be updating weekly with episodic content for the game, including missions, items and new heroes all at no cost to players. If they throw in anything else, my brain might explode.

O, no, wait. It’s just my neighbors’ cooking.

This is all well and good, but what is the fucking story here? Well, it takes place in a story like our own, if our world was controlled by top-secret government agencies and secret societies. It isn’t, right? You’ll control a motley crew of secret agents, treasure hunters and adventurers that are working to keep the truth in check. This means you are more “Men In Black”, less “defenders of the people”. I expect we’ll likely be killing those free-minded liberators of information, and that makes me laugh with dark, dark relish (enjoyment, not condiment). And the game is perfectly ok with this. In fact, the creators have said that it will use dark humor and anime punk art styles to put a new spin on conspiracy theories and urban legends!

And this got funded seemingly over night. I have known about this game for four days, and it has already gotten its Indie GoGo funding, and they are into stretch goals. Literally, they got a money enema. They have 6 hunters with 2 more listed for stretch goals, including some badass ninja panda and a thick list of additional concepts. Go and check it out for yourself, and wait with bated breath for the release! Congratulations to these guys for getting their funding goals! Now get in there and see if we can help them meet a few more stretch goals!

If every highschool kid in the world could design video games, The Parsnip Theory would probably be the first game they make. Though it has a few rough edges, its design and gameplay are certainly an experience worth a play, especially with friends. It is a shareware game available at itch.io. One thing to keep in mind is that this game is in its alpha stages. It is listed on itch so that people can test it, play it and enjoy it for what it is so far.

Turn-based strategy has many forms, some good, some bad. Many involve alternate play-areas that allow you to play with armies as pieces on a Risk board, while still others give you a base to return to and beef up your troops. Parsnip Theory is a simple game with one face: lunchroom mayhem. Every time you play, you join a team of kids, who all look the same, and you start launching tomatoes at the other teams. Controls in this title take a minute of fiddling to really figure them out properly, but they are intuitive and allow you to consider your moves like a chess player before you fully commit to them. Each of your teammates starts a round with 7 moves. Throwing a tomato costs 2 moves, each space costs 1 move to traverse and crouching is 1 move as well. This means that, without moving, you can get 3 shots off per round. If you have to move more than 1 space in a turn, you could end up losing 1 or 2 of those shots, so timing is a big part of this game.

My first couple runs of Parsnip Theory ended with my team as nothing more than gooey smears on the tile. I would just charge out there, tomatoes blazing, and hope for the best. Have you ever played XCOM? Yea, you run out there guns blazing and your people will end up in the hot place really fast. Parsnip Theory is no different. Although the graphical style makes it tough to tell, there are tables in this lunchroom. I would expect tables to stand out a little more, but these ones sort of look like drainage grates laid throughout the room that, for some odd reason, you are fully incapable of walking over. These grates, however, are actually tables. If you have your team members crouch behind them, you can use them as cover.

Move behind cover, Aaron! You’re under fire!

Now, above you see my characters crouched behind a wall, waiting for that little blue guy to come out behind his wall. What I didn’t realize was that he could see the guy up top, and splattered him accordingly. We still mourn the loss of Aaron. But moving with cover is a good way to operate in this game. If you can set up your team to ambush a foe coming around a corner, he might get one shot off at one of you, and the next turn he’ll get three more, but that’s it. He won’t be able to get off enough shots to take down any of you, and you’ll have him splattered in barely more than one turn. The hellish onslaught of tomatoes takes down 10 hp per hit, so you’ll likely take him out and have plenty of moves left that second turn.

Another thing to keep in mind is that you are in highschool with a bunch of fucking baseball stars. These kids will lob a barrage of perfectly-aimed tomatoes at you from the other side of the lunchroom like a howitzer loaded with tomatoes. The AI seems to favor taking advantage of long-shots at weakened enemies because you likely won’t see it coming. The AI of this game, really, is way better at this than it has a right to be. As I said, several times I played through and took out one or two enemies, and got smeared. The AI wasn’t all focused on me, either. The other teams were going back and forth at each other like nobody’s business. They just managed to mop the floor with me every time.

Graphics in this game are acceptable, except for a few little issues here and there. Sure the table don’t look like tables, but I rather enjoyed the look of my little team mates. Sure, hair color and clothing is all the same, but after playing a few times, skin-colors are randomly assigned. Also, your people all lack arms and legs, so their hands and feet hover in space where the ends of their extremities should be, Rayman-style. The difficulty in this game was a little rough, but you learn the best way to battle your foes after a while, and it’s not too tough to adjust. There are a few things that this game could benefit from: variety of attacks, the potential for someone to miss, some stronger graphical definition, but for a piece of shareware, this game is enjoyable. I would advise playing it with some friends to get the most out of its gameplay. The AI players are just a bunch of dicks.

Another feature of this game that my brother will discuss at greater length is the level editor. Should you get tired of the single level of play in the game, you can always go and make more of them. A level editor is always a good idea, and in a game like this grants players the ability to make it their own way. You hate the lunchroom? Fine, have a fucking food-fight in the art department, you damn lunatic.

We stand victorious over the blood.. err.. tomato-spattered lunchroom.

Of everything I about this game, there is one thing that I HAVE to mention. I do not under any circumstances recommend this to anyone with photosensitive seizures: you might not make it past the title screen. The background is this warping, color-changing spaghetti (or something) that looks like one of the lunch aides slipped fucking LSD into the juice boxes. In their psychedelic-induced frenzy these kids have taken to defending themselves against the phantasms of their own imagination the only way they can deign: by lashing out with salvos of edibles projectiles. This is my story, and I am sticking to it, since the game itself doesn’t really have one yet.

Ever wondered what it would be like to take the place of Rick Grimes or the Governor? How would you run things differently? What policies would your band of survivors have to get accustomed to? Rebuild: Gangs of Deadsville is a series that allows you to decide just that. Lead your rag-tag band of survivors to take back the city from the dead. Fight the ravenous hordes, train your people in various skills and work to bring back the world of the living amidst the hordes of undead.

Developed across two previous titles by Northway Games, Rebuild: Gangs of Deadsville is a title that I have been following for a couple years now. This latest incarnation is by far the cleanest version of the game, but because it is an early-access title, it is not without its issues. So don’t say you weren’t warned. Where previous games, available in browser or on iOS platforms, drove for a more serious tone with a soundtrack out of a horror movie, Gangs feels more like a video game. Rather than the realistic portrayals of survivors featured in Rebuild and Rebuild 2, Gangs uses vector graphics to portray its heroes. Personally, this makes it a lot easier to detach myself from them. If Rico Simms goes out for food and comes back holding his intestines, I will be more likely to just bury a hatchet in his head. No worries. That guy was annoying anyway. Though the characters are now a little more toony, this has allowed the developers to make the town itself look altogether better. Where before you had some simple doodles, now you have a more detailed and gritty map. Granted, sometimes the map feels more like a page out of “Where’s Waldo?” but that makes it fun and slightly nostalgic to pan the view and looks at your surroundings. One more major add-in for the city itself in Rebuild: Gangs of Deadsville were rivers and coastlines. This way you can reimagine that famous trailer for another run-of-the-mill zombie-smashing RPG at E3 2014. Did you like this map? Good. Save the seed and you can regenerate it every time you play or take a random seed for endlessly replayable apocalypse action.

From dismal winter to decrepit post-apocalypse, the styles really inspire the creeping depression of being the last people on Earth.

Gangs of Deadsville also features other players. In Rebuild 2 you had the possibility of running into a gang called The Last Judgement Gang. They would frequently harass the colony, attack, steal food and generally provide villains for the player. As your colony grows, it eventually becomes evident that you have to deal with them, and this culminates in a final showdown of epic proportions. In Gangs, you get to deal with other factions. As of yet, the only interaction I’ve had was with this russian guy named Gustav. He always comes by and tries to get my people to gamble away precious resources, buy hookers and accept food loans. That guy is more of an annoyance, really, but if you piss them off enough, their faction comes crashing in guns-blazing. This isn’t the only other faction, but it is the only one I have met so far. You can also run into enemy NPC colonies that basically end up battling you for dominance. Instead of having a typical cut-and-dried enemy, now you have a real us vs. them feeling with a battle for survival with a group of people you might have been best buddies with in another life.

When I started Gangs of Deadsville, I was given the standard options: make a character, pick a profession set town parameters. As I clicked through the random name generator, I noticed a few fun monikers I might take on. Among them were Johnny Dangerously, Arma Geddon and James Tyberius Kirk. Clearly the character I was concocting was a man of honor. As if that didn’t make it obvious enough, the selection of former occupations is spectacular: politician, Police Officer and Doctor are fairly well coveted in the real world, but more realistically, you can choose to play as a Retiree or a Shop Clerk. Each occupation starts your leader off with an item and a bonus quality, which makes them unique. Being clever and dashing, I chose the Shop Clerk occupation, which made scavenging easier and got me better deals when bartering and trading. And of course, started me off with the tool most favored by shop clerks worldwide: a crowbar. I would have pick a backpack or a flashlight, but shop clerk comes with a crowbar. I mean, I am not disputing the realism of a game where you spend your time fighting zombies, but every self-respecting gamer knows that the crowbar is default weapon of the scientist. Jeez.

Reminds me of where my in-laws live minus the mindless, brain-eating hordes.. but then again, they do live in Jersey…

Each survivor has their own story involving things ranging from baking and homelessness to gardening and shoulder-lizards. As your people level you will choose news perks for them, skill enhancements, equipment etc. Equipment becomes important, too. While your main source of food should start off angled toward farming, you will still need to avidly scavenge for weapons, tools, ammo, fuel, building materials and an array of other goods that are hard to come by and expensive to purchase. And with other factions and colonies searching for the same goods, you need to move fast.

But dedicating your people to one set of tasks constantly will leave other areas of your colony neglected. There are 5 classifications that survivors fall into: defender (red), leader(blue), builder(green), scavenger(yellow) and engineers (purple). Each of them play an integral role in the sustenance, expansion and strength of your colony. Sure, everyone likes to kill zombies, but not all your survivors are good at it. Send a builder out with a hammer to kill zombies, and he can get small groups, but as the numbers of walking dead rise, they will only be able to support the real fighters. Likewise, an engineer might be able to lend a hand with manpower when expanding the colony into new sectors of the environs, but he is much better suited in a laboratory. This is where the leader of the town comes in handy. Sure, you might be a shop clerk, but you are a special shop clerk. You are able to use your leader for any task and level him up in all skills, while your other survivors only level in their specific skills. Of course, that makes it so that you are the only non-drone in a colony of ants, but as long as you address them with titles and call them specialists, they shouldn’t rise up in revolt. I mean, doesn’t “Rage Specialist” sound so much better than “instrument of my own vengeance and violent will”? Yea, I know, has a sort of ‘I respect your autonomy and special snowflake-ness despite the fact I control your every action’ feel to it. Just what you need in a leader of men and women.

Cause you also need to keep those fuckers in high spirits, too. Now the aforementioned hiring of hookers is a good way but costs food and the dignity of many people involved. A better option is to renovate a nearby bar or church and let your people spend time there. They can also do ‘time off’ missions in their quarters, but hanging out in a run-down apartment complex is only fun to a point. There is more to life than seeing how many birds you can hit with your spit from above. Trust me. Another neat feature of this game are the random events. People show up at your gates, animals might attack, someone might find a fucking raccoon in the goddamn shed. Whatever, the odd-ball and.. uh.. RANDOM fucking nature of these events adds a tangential factor to the game, making it feel like it takes place in a real and changing world.

Now, there are zombies in this game. Did I mention that? Ok, good. Pay the fuck attention. Now, when the game starts you have a few straggling zed-heads, which are easily dispatched by your survivors, builders, scientists, defenders alike. But as you progress, your people, who presumably haven’t showered since the fall of modern civilization and can be smelled in the next state over, attract zombies like North Koreans to a bulgogi buffet. Thus, the zombies start to shamble toward you in ever-growing numbers like the rotting parade of stank-sniffing gut-munchers they are. This means you need to seriously amp up your game if you don’t want to end up as fertilizer. Zombies aren’t the only way to die, though. Go ahead, rely on scavenging as your main food source. Your people will die THE DAY AFTER YOUR FOOD RUNS OUT! And your people might die on a mission, get caught up in a random event or just catch a mother fucking fever. Still more neat mechanics exist, like the ability to switch between real-time and turn-based strategy. Seriously, the problem is choice! So reach out, expand your reach and get that technology research moving! Did I miss that too?

So as you expand you will encounter labs and drive-in movie theatres and other neat shit. Now, you could ignore the messages and subtle hints, but as you move your game along, you can even get technology up and going again. Like, refrigeration, movies, PORN! Christ’s sake PORN man! Is there a more noble cause to reach back into the annals of knowledge left by the ancients?! O, yea, there is also the ability farm more efficiently, build better walls, kill zombies more effectively, but shit, man, who doesn’t like to watch other people fuck on film? It’s purely for research.. and morale.. and stress relief.. or something..

All-in-all, this game allows you to live the fantasy of leading people to salvation through a gurgling masses of horrifying flesh-suckers, and Sarah, the developer, has done everything to make this a title worth your time and money. The best part is that the game is still coming out with more content. I mean, that is good news to me! It means that if the game’s state bothers you, come back to it in a few weeks and there should be another update to explore.

It says “kill 5.651153016444607 massed zombies”. Documentation of the last fucking time I ever let the engineering team go on defensive maneuvers.

Above you will see an excessively accurate detail of how many massed zombies those guys were fighting. Evidence of the only thing that truly angers me about this game. Bugs. Of course, this is a PRE-RELEASE title available on Steam through the combined auspices of Steam Greenlight and Kickstarter. But that does not make it any less fucking frustrating when you have a memory error appear on your screen after about an hour and a half of non-stop gameplay. I mean I can’t even fucking binge-playon my favorite goddamn game! If I want to waste HOURS of my fucking time murdering zombies and micro-managing my people’s lives, I want it to be uninterrupted by binge-halting errors. The base game is $14.99, but fuck that. Don’t do that to yourself. You WILL love this title. Just spring for the extra 10$ and get the deluxe edition. You can even download that AFTER you decide whether you like the base game or not as it is listed as DLC! This DLC will bring you some neat art and such later, but will also grant purchasers 5 extra professions, each with their own unique item. So, you’ll be cursed with more fucking choices! And if you’re into that whole ‘instant-gratification’ thing, the DLC ‘deluxe’ version will also give you Rebuild 1 and Rebuild 2 in all their formerly browser-embedded glory. That way you can formulate your strategies on the earlier (but by no means easier) games. So go on Steam, and throw 24.99$ at getting this title moving. Its end state will be a title to make Sid Meier jealous. I mean, seriously, that guy is probably like making a title called Sid Meier’s Zombies! Too late, ya bastard! Too fucking late!