Saturday, May 28, 2005

Being Fake

To begin … I don’t understand everyone’s aversion to telling me their opinions! Please, continue to share your thoughts, no matter what you think I want to hear. One, I don’t get offended easily, and two, I want to hear other people’s perspectives on the issue.

Scott and Patmos, I really do see both sides of the issue. I’m really not on either side of things. That’s what I’m trying to figure out right now. Please don’t censor yourself in the name of trying to not “bother” me. There is no bothering going on here. :)

Scott brought up several very valid points. First: fakeness! One of my main struggles with living the heterosexual lifestyle – even though I am homosexual – is that I don’t want to be a hypocrite or have to live a lie. In fact, for that reason, I have promised myself to share my struggles with any girl I date seriously. It is not only her right, but also my responsibility to tell her and then let her decide whether it’s something she wants to take on. In addition, if I did get married, I would likely tell people that I am homosexual, but have chosen to live a heterosexual life for religious reasons. I would hate to be fake all the time.

I was just considering how we Mormons can often be so fake. Let me share a personal experience. Two nights ago I participated in a priesthood blessing (a religious ritual within the Church that involves pronouncing a blessing upon a person in the name of Jesus Christ). Please ask any Mormon about priesthood blessings in order to understand them better. A Mormon friend of mine asked me for one because of some personal struggles she’s been having lately. I did not want to give her one because I had looked at porn (I know, sad story) just the night before, and I was not feeling worthy to act in the name of Jesus Christ. So I deferred the responsibility to another guy friend, but I still assisted in the blessing. Even though I didn’t give the blessing, I was literally sick to my stomach for participating. I shouldn’t have. The only reason I did was to avoid having to explain that I am not worthy. I have since committed to never participate in a priesthood ordinance when I don’t feel worthy. I hate being fake!! Ahhhhh!

Here’s a funny side note: I just barely found out that my buddy who administered the blessing looks at porn too. I found this out just a few minutes ago. Let me explain. After returning from a Broadway show (Dirty Rotten Scoundrels – it was good), I came to the computer lab to check my email. When I entered, I caught my buddy sitting in the lab with his hand down his pants. Upon seeing me, he immediately removed his hand and acted nervous. Because of my curious nature, I tried to get around the aisle to see what was on his screen, but he had just closed all the windows on his computer – the screen just had the desktop on it. He was beginning to reload Internet Explorer when I sat down next to him. Additional evidence: the conversion was awkward from his end – the type of conversation you have with someone when you’re trying to cover something up. I am all too familiar with those types of conversations because I have had them many a time after almost being caught.

Of course, I doubt he knows I know because I acted like I had no idea. I didn’t want him to think I am judging him. I struggle with porn as well; who am I to cast the first stone? Please understand that I really do think this kid is a GREAT, GREAT guy! Porn does not make one a bad person. In fact, I like him more because he seems more human now. Before, he just seemed too perfect to me. I really do understand his situation completely – for obvious reasons.

Also, I’m not trying to say he's a bad person for administering the blessing even though he looks at porn. I have participated in blessings when I probably shouldn’t have.

The point I'm trying to make with all of this is that the more time goes on, the more I realize that I am living a very deceptive life. I hate misleading people – whether intentional or unintentional. I really want to start living a more open life with regards to my sexuality (regardless of the lifestyle I decide to pursue).

Before I close, I must confess something. As mentioned above, I did cave to my temptations. I had almost gone three months without porn, but then I gave in during a moment of weakness. It was stupid because I wasn’t even feeling very horny. I just found myself looking at porn. How stupid of me. (You happy now, Jon?) Oh well, life goes on!

I would like for you to understand why I caution my friend and warn him of the dangers.

This is my 15th year in fulltime ministry, and I should have every reason to hate the gay community. So much was taken from me and I was deeply hurt, not because of my actions, but because of some very unkind people that were apart of the gay community. Now I know one should not lump every gay man/woman in the same box, just like I don't lump every white person, or hispanic person or whatever race they are in one box.

However, 16 years ago I should have given up on life and just allowed myself to be filled with hate, yet I chose not to do that. However I have taken a bad situation and allowed it to become good. I have a great deal of love and compassion for those that my denomination has taught me as a lost people, yet, I do not see with their same eyes anymore. I am not saying that the life style is acceptable, I just don't agree with their vision.

This is why I warn... In the last 15 years I have watched as over 500 people have died, and the only ones that I have watched die a lonely regretful life, has been those of the gay community. I have counseled over some 2,000 hours with those in the gay community and with every hour, I have heard these words.... "I cannot go on like this anymore" I have seen the side of the gay community that is not put on dating programs and and those that scream... "Live your life, YOUR way" Now before you throw a stone at me, Yes I have counseled other men/women young and old and they have had troubles and difficulties in life, yet there has always been someone that I can lead them back too, they do not end up in a very lonely forgotten place.

I know, you will say... Patmos, you are so one sided on this, you are so blinded by your religion that you are no good for anyone. Yet, I remind you, I do not wish anyone in the gay community any harm or ill life ahead of them, it just the majority of them find it themselves.

My convictions are still the same, I do not agree with the lifestyle, I do not agree with those who say, there is no harm in it. I do not agree with them that say... It is your life, live it your way! I do not agree that someone is born this way or is forced to live this way.

I have so many that I thought were friends in my life, when I started reaching out with a love to those in the gay community, turned their backs on me and said very hurtful things about me. I am also saying that my life is not perfect, I have lonely days, I have times of great darkness, just read my blog. Yet my voice is that of... There is a better way.

Please Scott, I am not trying to argue with you, I am not trying to make myself better than you, for I know that my sins are many, and I guess I could say, I am the chiefest of sinners.

I have made some changes in my mail accounts and so if you try to e-mail me, well it is not ready yet.

I am struck by the sincerity of everyone who posts here. Everyone seems to mean well for our humble blogger, and that's good. I mean no disrespect to anyone by anything I post here, so please don't misunderstand me.

I have to say, the word "lifestyle" annoys me. Sexuality isn't a lifestyle--it is life. I have been in a committed relationship with another man for 26 years. We have had lots of ups and downs, but when all is said and done, we want to be together. We don't have a lifestyle. We have a house and a yard, with trees that have to be cut down, cats and dogs that get sick, layoffs at work, family, DVD rentals to return, cars that need repair, etc. In other words, just life. I did not choose to be gay. It was not a lifestyle I took on, but one of the elements of who I am. I did have sex with a woman and, unlike Scott, it did not make me sick. It was nice for awhile. But I knew that I could not maintain a sexual relationship with a woman. It was dishonest and ultimately, a compromise of my own identity. This blog certainly shows that there are a lot of well meaning perspectives to be considered. I like that, even when I don't agree.

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About Me

I was first introduced to blogging by one of my professors during Winter Semester 2004. I didn't really understand it then, and I'm not sure I do today. However, I have learned that a blog can basically be anything you want it to be. With that in mind, I have created this blog as a way to describe my little conflict. Here's my problem: I'm gay and I'm Mormon. If you don't know already, the two don't mix very well. Though very few people will likely ever read this blog, I plan to use it as a way to describe my struggles, figure out my emotions, and work to overcome my problems.

To begin, I was born and raised in Utah. I'm the youngest in my family, and I have to admit that being the youngest is the best. I graduated from Brigham Young University in 2005. I'm currently working a great job in a great area. (How's that for vague?) I don't have any special talents, but I do enjoy singing -- though I don't do it well. I'm also a fan of politics -- conservative. I know, it's ironic that I'm conservative and a homosexual. Anyhow, if you have questions about me, just ask.