The ESPN Sports Score Ticker held a press conference today to announce that it had signed a new deal with CNN to become their new ticker. This follows the new last week that CNN's longtime ticker would be leaving the business after 22 years to retire to his ranch in Texas.

For fans of the ESPN Ticker, the announcement was bittersweet. They have relied on the ticker for years to give them the sports news they need while pretending to be actually listening to their wives talk about their day.

"I've always wanted to cover serious news," said the ESPN Ticker to his many adoring fans. "This allows me to finally live that dream of scrolling presidential news and information about which American car companies have gone bankrupt today. I'm very excited for this opportunity."

His final day will be this coming Saturday, and he promises an extra special scroll for his last broadcast. He may go with a sans-serif font, and give some really obscure fantasy baseball statistics for the hardcore ticker fans. He will be missed all around the country. ESPN has yet to name a replacement.