Tuesday, April 10, 2012

The Ultimate Insult

Just when I thought I'd heard it all....OR: I found out I died and no one told me...

I'm 67 years old and have been living with adoption loss for 44 years.

My first initiation into the insults I was to experience after doing what I was told was the "loving" "good" and "right" thing to do came shortly after I relinquished.

Baby Lenore, the first major contested adoption case made headlines in 1971. Every day I heard at work, on the subways, elevators and in the streets, and coffee shops people saying "The NERVE of that mother to want her baby back!" And: "Any dog can give birth."

I knew then that what people thought of me and wanted to crawl into a hole...

Lately, I am called an anti-adoptionist but that's not an insult. I'm proud to stand up and speak out against the atrocities that separate families needlessly. I am proud to denounce baby brokering, child trafficking, exploitation, coercion, corruption, and falsified birth certificates.

It has all strengthened me.

But now the ultimate insult has been spewed on the Facebook page "Adoption News and Events."

An adoptive parent put forth the proposition that children who are relinquished - and taken from their families - are "orphans"!!! This includes those who are kidnapped, stolen, and coerced from loving - LIVING - mothers and families. And what of the children in open adoptions who visit their moms - are they also orphans?

She wishes! Many wish we were dead, but we are NOT, and no piece of paper can kill us. Our children are our children and always will be and we are their mothers and always will be for all eternity.

This is a result of the pro-adoptionazies extremists and profiteers who distort words and inflate figures to incite sympathy, decrease guilt and most important - increase their profits! First they created the terms"half orphan" and social orphans." Then they created the absolutely, incredibly ridiculous, stupid, wrong, inaccurate, incorrect, and totally impossible term: "Parentless children." Neither relinquishment, abandonment, death, or any high tech medical procedure (which can produce a child with three mothers) is capable of producing a parentless child!!

The adoption industry creates the language for what they WISH is so and then those who want to adopt use it - and even the press and public begin using it and worst of all, believing it.

But it doesn't make it SO! No piece of paper kills me off as my daughter's mother. No falsified documents. No relinquishment. We all know the second part of "sticks and stones": Names will never harm me! I know who I am and I know I am my daughter's mothers.

Adopters can imagine, pretend and convince themselves that all the children being adopting are orphans, but when they find their mothers, or their mothers find them - those won't be ghosts coming to haunt you!

Maybe they are simply listening to too much Black Crowes:

She never mentions the word addiction

In certain company.

Yes, she'll tell you she's an orphan

After you meet her family.

Says she talks to angels.

They call her out by her name.

Oh yeah, she talks to angels.

Says they call her out by her name.

She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket.

She wears a cross around her neck.

The hair is from a little boy,

And the cross from someone she has not met, well, not yet

Labeling children who have been stolen, kidnapped and coerced from their mothers - as well as those given with the hopes that it is right and best choice - as "orphans" is comforting, convenient, white-washing language for those on the receiving end. It allows people like the Monahans to sleep at night pretending their kidnapped daughter's mother is dead and not longing for the return of her child.

Calling our sons and daughters orphans insults and offends every mother who lovingly sacrificed or was coerced out of her child, and it insults and offends our children.

I am horrified and one angry, pissed off MUTHA!

"....replace the voice that only whispers about your pain and loss with a strong and unwavering one, and be prepared to tell your story with courage and conviction, to add your voice to all the others, never to be silenced again." Pemina Yellow Bird (2000)

"I never gave then hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell." Harry S. Truman

16 comments:

I agree with your position. It would be so much easier for the adoption community if we pesky natural parents just vanished in to thin air. But then again we do serve a purpose. We relinquish our children to them, and we are there to blame later when adoption pain is voiced.

Hmmm...now that I think of it it's a case of everything old is new again. they were "killing of" fist parents back in the 60's. fathers were all killed in Vietnam and mothers all died in childbirth. Odd, though that back then when adoptive parents and adoptees were routinely told these convenient lies, adoptees were not called orphans! That's a new twist. It makes for so much more gratitude, don't you think?

Mirah--I am in total agreement with your outrage. Only one of my adopted daughters came to me as an orphan. Her mother was dead and so was her father (or the person most likely to have been her father). But even as an orphan, she had plenty of biological family who remain part of her life.

But I wish you wouldn't make the similar outrageous mistake of equating an idiot adoptor with Nazis. Nazi and holocaust are terms that should not be used as all-purpose cliches--they are specific to a horrific part of our history and should remain solely that.

Yes, Mirah, I agree wholeheartedly with you. To disgrace mothers in this way is a slur against all women, but women do not see this.

Also, that adoptive parent who referred to children who are relinquished as “orphans” has set a new precedence to disregard real orphans. I myself, am a real half-orphan, an adoptee whose mother died, leaving behind her five children and their father. I did not need a home because I already had one. But adoption was pushed as the only solution.

And then, there are those foreign-born “orphans” who may have one or both parents still living, but adoption is seen as a means to save these babies from poverty, etc.

Mirah, you are your daughter’s mother. And I will fight along with you to free her birth certificate so that your name is certified as her official mother.

My child is no orphan. His adopters wish they could claim that to be true but never will. As a survior of open adoption fraud, to think that my child is labeled as some orphan who's mother did not want him makes my blood boil.

My child lost to adoption "friended" someone on his Facebook page who runs a blog called "An Orphans Wish" and it sickened me. He believes his adoption was ordained by his god, so I highly suspect he calls himself and "orphan" as well to further dehumanize me.

Stephanie - I am soo very sorry for you. That would be excrutiatingly painful.

Julie - You are right. I do not disagree. I was outraged and was looking for a term to express my outrage and borrowed from the shock jocks like Limbaugh who use the term Feminazis which has no connection whatsoever to Hitler or the Holocaust.

I wanted to express that there are those who adopt with such a strong sense of entitlement they totally disregard their child's heritage. I have the same red hot rage for adopters who hand over bribes and turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to obvious corruption and are thus very much part of the problem...and fear exposing the truth will prevent them form obtaining the brass ring they covet. There has to be a name for such col-hearted, selfish people, that despite all of their self-centeredness get accolades from friends, family and the public for doing a "noble" things and "rescuing" a child.

Part of my state of outrage is that i am near completing the book "Finding Fernanda" which describes people such as stated above....I will be writing a review shortly. people like the mother in the film "I Love You Mommy" who hands over a bribe and comments that some think this is bad, "but it's just the way things are done." All those in that book and in life who put their fingers in their ears and loudly sing "Lalalalala" and ignore BLATANT red lights and say it can't be so...and then claim that mothers in Guatemala SELL their children and claim they are kidnapped. Those who claim their child was sent to them by God, as if God wants to take babies away form other mothers!

Any my hottest rage is for those who terinate adoptions - and go online seeking SYMPATHY on top of it! And get it!

And the Monahans who KNOW full well they are raising a KIDNAP VICTIM - not an orphan - and do noting. An the US gvt for allowing them to do nothing and not pursuing it as they did when it was reversed and a UD child was being held overseas.

The studies that say that relinquishing mothers' anger increases over time are sure proven right by me personally! the more I learn, the ore I see, the angrier I get.

Yes,Jodi. this is why i said it is an insult to mothers AND adoptees! It is language that has one and only purpose; to further commodify human beings and make them more "sale-able." You should indeed be insulted!

Only a totally brainwashed, manipulated adoptee like Stephanie's son would accept such language and use it define himself. But then again, he may simply have been told the convenient story that his parents are deceased as adoptive parents have done for decades to prevent any and all questions and the nasty and scary possibility of "searching."

The only worse lie adoptive parents can perpetrate is not revealing that their child is adopted at all. But since so many adoptions today are transnational and transracial, that's a bit difficult to pull off, so we just tell them they're orphans instead - RESCUED from their orphanages by their brave, noble adopters who should be lavished with praise and eternal GRATITUDE!

Mirah, using the term Orphan is as offensive as telling a child they are "Chosen". These words are used in marketing and selling children. A coverup for abandonment. We who know the adoption industry know not all children are abandoned and are stolen in the name of the mighty dollar.

Yes I know several selfish AP's who have told their adoptive children lies about their birth parents. Sad that these AP's will go to such lengths to get their adoptive children to hate their birth parents and make the adoptive children think their AP's are their "Savior". Sadly some people can be brainwashed and not free think for themselves. I asked questions all the time after I was told I was adopted. I never backed off on my search for the truth regardless of what I was told by my AP's or the info given by attorneys. No one was going to stop me from finding my identity.

Yes there is nothing worse than a child not being told at all they were adopted. Being that I am so different from my AP's I would have figured it out if they did not tell me. Most do figure it out and know they are "Different" even when they are not told they are adopted.There are a few who dont and find out later due to someone spilling the secret or they go and DNA test and find out the truth that way. It will be a lot harder for AP's to hid the truth now that there is DNA testing out their for personal genealogy use. These selfish AP's need to wake up!

"But then again, he may simply have been told the convenient story that his parents are deceased as adoptive parents have done for decades to prevent any and all questions and the nasty and scary possibility of "searching."

In my case, they never told him I was deceased, they just pretended I didn't exist. (same difference I suppose). I tracked him down when he was 18 and told him the TRUTH, but he chose not to believe me. I did discover that his adopters did not even bother to show him a picture of me until he was 12(so much for that Open adoption) and told him they knew very little about me.

Funny, I spent time with these people before he was born, talked to them, went shopping, out to dinners, lunches and they even accompanied me to doctors appointments; yet they claimed to not "know" me. When I found my son they said not one word to me nor did they acknowledge me in any way. Their perfect little bubble was burst. I was happy to oblige. It was the least I could do, really. They could not live in fantasy land forever, but are still manipulating and controlling my child. I have to block it out it is so disturbing. I don't know what to do...

Stephanie - taking a child under the pretense of offering an open adoption and not is cruel and shameful fraud! Do you know of carla and the survey she is putting together? Are you a member of the FB group called Mothers of Open Adoption Fraud?

I am very sorry to bother you all with this,but I work with a young man, and I am very worried about his situation. I was trying to find him a place to look for a way to post a letter to his unborn child that will help he/she find him when they want to connect with him. He is not in a relationship with the mother and the mother is married. She is wanting to raise the child as their child and not involve my co worker. He is worried that they will lose all contact and possibly never connect with the child when the time comes. Is there a place that he could post a letter or info about him and his history...possibly hints to where they may find him in years to come.

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World Hunger

"Open adoption and open records are important byways. But they are not the most compelling route. Family preservation is."Dr. Randolph Severson, The Soul of Family Preservation

“Regrettably, in many cases, the emphasis has changed from the desire to provide a needy child with a home, to that of providing a needy parent with a child. As a result, a whole industry has grown, generating millions of dollars of revenues each year . . .”The Special Rapporteur, United Nations, Commission on Human Rights, 2003.

As defined by International law/UNCRC and the Hague Convention, International law says that Family Preservation should come first, domestic adoption second, and international adoption as a last resort. What we have today is the complete opposite where international adoption is used as the go to solution in separating children from their biological families.

"Over the past 30 years, the number of families from wealthy countries wanting to adopt children from other countries has grown substantially. At the same time, lack of regulation and oversight, particularly in the countries of origin, coupled with the potential for financial gain, has spurred the growth of an industry around adoption, where profit, rather than the best interests of children, takes centre stage. Abuses include the sale and abduction of children, coercion of parents, and bribery."

UNICEF's position on Inter-country adoption.

"...overseas adoption is a kind of child abuse by the state. ....Overseas adoption is the forced expulsion of children from the society where they are supposed to live. In this sense, overseas adoption is a social violence against children. As humans, we exist as part of a gigantic ecosystem. The existence of the biological parents of adoptees can never be annihilated nor denied."Overseas adoption is a forced separation of children from their natural ecosystems, as well as a way of forcing them into compulsory unity with settings different from and unnatural to their genetic and original social systems. Through this forced separation and compulsory unity, not only the adoptees, but also their biological parents, adoptive parents and their family members suffer trauma."Pastor Kim Do-hyun, director of KoRoot

According to the United Nations, children separated from their parents during war or natural disasters should not be adopted. “Even if both their parents are dead,” reads UNICEF’s statement on intercountry adoption, “the chances of finding living relatives, a community and home to return to after the conflict subsides exist. Thus, such children should not be considered for intercountry adoption.” Sept. 9, 2013 (The Daily Star :: Lebanon News :: http://www.dailystar.com.lb)

"To focus on these children without focusing on their families or communities thus becomes an ignoble hypocrisy; as if to say, 'give us your huddled masses–but only if they are cute children and can be indoctrinated from an early age'.” Daniel Ibn Zayd

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Mirah Riben

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See Also"What is Family Preservation""Children have rights. These rights are laid down essentially in the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child and in the Hague Convention on the Protection of Children.

"Children and their biological parents have a right to respect for their family life."Adoption: at what cost? 2007 Terre des hommes – child relief, Lausanne, Switzerland

"Every child has the right to know and be cared for by his or her own parents, whenever possible. UNICEF believes that families needing support to care for their children should receive it."UNICEF

The Uniform Adoption Act calls for the protection of "minor children against unnecessary separation from their birth parents."

“Regrettably, in many cases, the emphasis has changed from the desire to provide a needy child with a home, to that of providing a needy parent with a child. As a result, a whole industry has grown, generating millions of dollars of revenues each year . . .” United Nations, Commission on Human Rights, 2003.

"If ... the best interests of the child is to be the determining factor in child custody cases ... persons seeking babies to adopt might profitably frequent grocery stores and snatch babies from carts when the parent is looking the other way. Then, if custody proceedings can be delayed long enough, they can assert that they have a nicer home, a superior education, a better job or whatever, and that the best interests of the child are with the baby snatchers. Children of parents living in public housing or other conditions deemed less affluent and children of single parents might be considered particularly fair game." -- Justice James Heiple, Illinois Supreme Court in the "Baby Richard" case.

Article 7, U.N. Convention on the Rights of the Child"The child shall be registered immediately after birth and shall have the right from birth to a name, the right to acquire a nationality and. as far as possible, the right to know and be cared for by his or her parents."

Article 8"Where a child is illegally deprived of some or all of the elements of his or her identity, States Parties shall provide appropriate assistance and protection, with a view to re-establishing speedily his or her identity."

Article 9"States Parties shall respect the right of the child who is separated from one or both parents to maintain personal relations and direct contact with both parents on a regular basis, except if it is contrary to the child's best interests."-------------------------------------------------------------------------On December 10, 1948 the General Assembly of the United Nations adopted and proclaimed the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (http://www.un.org/Overview/rights.html).They include:• Article 12. - No one shall be subjected to arbitrary interference with his privacy, FAMILY, home or correspondence, nor to attacks upon his honour and reputation. Everyone has the right to the protection of the law against such interference or attacks.• Article 16(3) - The family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State.• Article 25(1) - Everyone has the right to a standard of living adequate for the health and well-being of himself and of his family, including food, clothing, housing and medical care and necessary social services, and the right to security in the event of unemployment, sickness, disability, widowhood, old age or other lack of livelihood in circumstances beyond his control. (2) Motherhood and childhood are entitled to special care and assistance. All children, whether born in or out of wedlock, shall enjoy the same social protection.