How to respond to "Let's take things slow" [Podcast Episode 42]

We've all heard the advice before to "take it slow" so that we don't get hurt again. When a guy says this to you, or when you're thinking you need to do this with a new guy, it may seem sensible, but it's really not.

It's another form of manipulation and control. It's saying, "I haven't done the work to heal from my past relationship, and so I'm going to carry that into this relationship and I expect you to sensor yourself so that I'm not triggered, thank you very much."

What does "take it slow" even mean?

That's the problem, it could mean many different things to different people. Are we talking about sex? Are we talking about communication? Revealing feelings? No matter what, it's putting blocks and walls in place that hinder intimacy. It makes you feel restricted, nervous, and unsure.

What he's really saying to you is, I'm afraid of getting hurt so I'm going to test you out for a bit and see if you can heal my broken heart.

You'd never adopt a dog after your previous dog died and think, "I'm going to take it slow with this new dog because I'm still grieving. I'm not going to give it all of my love or put my full attention into taking care of him."

Of course, relationships with humans are way more complex. But the point is, this is a new dog. Or a new person. And that dog/person is not responsible for adapting to your grief, or fixing your wounds, or waiting for you to heal on their time. And asking that of them is disrespectful. So I want you to be confident in knowing that if a guy says this to you, he is disrespecting you, and to know that it's ok for you to end things right there.

How do you know if the relationship is moving at a healthy speed?

Again, there is no universal "speed" that is healthy. One person's "too fast" is another person's "too slow". If it's moving in healthy way, it’s not going to be moving at a pace that’s making you uncomfortable. That person is not your person if you’re thinking it’s moving too fast. You cannot compare the speed of other couples you know.

It’s a matter of being comfortable in your own skin, healing from past heartbreaks, and also understanding why relationships in the past didn’t work out. This last point includes taking ownership for your part in the failure of your previous relationships.

When and how to stop dating the guy who wants to take things slow

The Back to YOU Academy was created to build the confidence in you to know when it's time to walk away, and to actually walk away and not waste any time wondering if it's the right decision, because you love and respect yourself so much.

There are men out there looking for real relationships. Our problem is we don’t know when to stop talking to the guy that’s trying to take it slow, because we have some healing work to do ourselves.

I want you to be confident enough to respond, "I hear what you’re saying, but unfortunately your heartbreak has nothing to do with me, I cannot be held accountable for the mistakes of the past. If your heart is still healing...I can’t allow for your healing process at the expense of my time, energy, and commitment. I need to understand we’re on the same page. If I’m restricted, that’s going to be really problematic."

The next Back to YOU Academy starts Monday, August 26th, 2019. Sign up at the link below! When I was going through this process of healing personally, I always wondered what confident, secure women had that I didn't. The Academy is designed to instill that confidence in you, and you don't have to go through the process alone. You don't have to be a one woman show. Allow yourself to be open to the idea that this could be so much easier if you had daily support.