5 Reasons Why “Chasing Amy” is a Great Movie for People Who Wait

I was very insecure about girlfriends’ pasts when I wrote Chasing Amy.

-Kevin Smith (writer/director)

Chasing Amy is the third film by writer/director Kevin Smith (aka Silent Bob). If you haven’t already seen it, it’s definitely worth a watch whether you’re waiting till marriage or not. But if you are waiting till marriage, then Chasing Amy contains some special messages that you’ll be able to appreciate much more than the average moviegoer. Chasing Amy is about coming to terms with a partner’s sexual history, and us virgins have that problem much more frequently than non-waiters.

Note: As of this writing, Chasing Amy is available on Netflix Instant, so go watch it!

1. The fantasy of finding a virgin, even at a late age.

If you’re waiting till marriage to have sex, you probably fantasize a lot about the notion of finding and falling in love with somebody who is also a virgin. It would be easy and perfect, you think. No past to worry about, a much more intimate sense of ownership, a feeling that you earned something special, and lots of great sex that only you would have with them.

In Chasing Amy, Holden (Ben Affleck) first thinks that Alyssa has always been a lesbian, and has never been with a man. Alyssa’s virginity is placed in a positive light, and Holden’s sense of pride, accomplishment, and enjoyment at having been “her first and only” is palpable. Where as most movies don’t even mention virginity except as a negative stigma, Chasing Amy makes it a central topic and shows its more desirable qualities.

2. The happiness of a perfect relationship

We spend so much of our lives trying to bridge the gap between our own interests and the interests of those we date. Everybody fantasizes about meeting somebody who they have everything in common with, but such matches are rarely portrayed in movies. In most movies, the central couple consists of “two attractive people who like eachother because they are both so attractive.”

In Chasing Amy, Holden and Alyssa meet at a Comicon panel. They are both comic book artists, they both have very similar geeky personalities, and they get along famously. So famously, in fact, that Alyssa even turns straight for him (she is gay in the beginning of the movie). And they are about to live happily ever after.

3. The pain of finding out about a sexual past

Eventually the main character, Holden (Ben Affleck), discovers that Alyssa has some extremely promiscuous sexual events hidden in her past. The kind of ego-shattering, heartbreaking discovery that can forever poison how you view someone.

As somebody who is waiting till marriage and has dated others with far more liberal sexual histories than yourself, you can probably relate to this situation well, as you’ve probably been through a version of it several times. You meet someone, you try to convince yourself that maybe their sexual history won’t be that bad, and then you find out the gritty details and it wrecks you a little (or a lot).

To my knowledge, no filmmaker has portrayed the emotional turmoil of encountering a bad sexual history as accurately as Kevin Smith has in Chasing Amy. Really, the whole moral message of the story revolves around the emotions that Holden goes through after he finds out about Alyssa’s past.

4. Silent Bob’s poignant speech

If you don’t already know about Jay and Silent Bob: Silent Bob is a recurring character (played by writer Kevin Smith himself) that appears in many of Kevin Smith’s movies alongside his trash-talking sidekick Jay (played by Jason Mewes). The general dynamic of Jay and Silent Bob is that Jay constantly talks yet says nothing of merit, while Silent Bob stays…well…silent. Typically, there will be only one or two scenes in each Kevin Smith movie where Silent Bob actually speaks, and they’re always very meaningful, relevant, and intelligent words.

In Chasing Amy, the main character Holden (Ben Affleck) meets Jay and Silent Bob for lunch and ends up going on a rant about his current troubles with Alyssa and her sexual past. Suddenly, Silent Bob breaks his silence with a speech that saves the day. This speech is required watching if you’ve ever struggled with a partner’s sexual past.

Here’s the video clip…

And here’s the full text of Silent Bob’s speech…

I went through something like what you’re talking aobut a coule of years ago with this chick named Amy. So there’s me and Amy, and we’re all inseparable right, just big time in love. Then four months down the road the idiot gear kicks in and I ask about the ex boyfriend…which, as we all know is a really dumb move. You know how it is: You don’t want to know, but you just have to know…stupid guy bullshit.

So anyway she starts telling me about him. How they fell in love, and how they went out for a couple years, and how they lived together, her mother likes me better, blah blah blah. And I’m OK. But then she drops the bomb on me, and the bomb is this: It seems that a couple of times, while they were going out, he brought some people to bed with them.

This just blows my mind. I was raised catholic for God’s sake. So I’m totally weirded out by this right. And I just start blasting her. Like I don’t know what I’m feeling and I figure the best way is by calling her “slut” and tell her she was used. I’m out for blood. I really want to hurt this girl. I’m like “What the fuck is your problem?!” and she’s just calmly trying to tell me like “It was that time…it was that place.” She doesn’t think she should apologize because she doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong.

I’m like “Oh really?” and that’s when I look her straight in the eye and tell her “It’s over.” I walk.

It was a mistake. I wasn’t disgusted with her; I was afraid. Now at that moment I felt small. Like I’d lacked experience, like I’d never be on her level, like I’d never be enough for her or something like that.

But what I did not get is that she didn’t care. She wasn’t looking for that guy anymore. She was looking for me. But by the time I figured this all out it was too late. She moved on. And all I had to show for it is some foolish pride that then gave way to regret. She was the girl. I know that now. But, I pushed her away.

So I’ve spent every day since then chasing Amy…so to speak.

5. Realistic consequences

If you have ever confronted a partner about their sexual past, you probably know how horribly wrong it can go. In Chasing Amy, Holden (Ben Affleck) confronts his girlfriend Alyssa about her past, says all the stupid things that you will say if you let your emotions rule you, and what happens next is (in my experience) exactly what happens in real life: His pain makes him push the issue too far, until he crosses the line and feels guilty…but it’s too late.

Alyssa, for her part, tries to convince Holden that her past doesn’t matter and that she loves him now. Here’s a sample line…

Me letting you think I was a virgin seemed to make you feel special in a way that me telling you over and over again [that I loved you] just wouldn’t get across.

Let the ending of Chasing Amy be a warning to you before you set out to rip apart a partner for their sexual history, because it presents a brilliantly accurate test-case for how that situation can play out.

Epilogue: How did Kevin Smith know that pain so well?

After seeing Chasing Amy, I began to wonder whether or not Kevin Smith had waited until marriage to have sex, because he portrayed a struggle that I thought was largely unique to virgins. And the way it did it was so uncannily, deeply accurate and knowing. I figured that nobody could have written Chasing Amy without knowing that kind of pain intimately themselves.

So I’ve been tearing through every Kevin Smith interview, outtake, and lecture I can get my hands on trying to get to the bottom of his own sexual history. So far I’ve confirmed that he did not wait until marriage to have sex, but I still have a running theory that his wife was his first and only, mainly because I swear I remember him saying that a few years ago (but can’t remember where). If I find out that’s the case, I’ll do a full article on him for the celebrities section.

Either way, Kevin Smith has inadvertently made a wonderful movie for all us waiting-till-marriage types in Chasing Amy (intentional or no), and you should definitely give it a watch.

Mike handles all of the programming and design work for WTM.org.
Although he still writes the occasional article,
he spends most of his time these days creating new site features and keeping everything organized.
Mike is web software developer by day, and is in school to become a psychologist.
In his free time Mike enjoys running, biking, and movies.

33 Responses to “5 Reasons Why “Chasing Amy” is a Great Movie for People Who Wait”

Heh, it’s stuff like this that has me convinced that I should (for the most part) put off relationships entirely. I couldn’t imagine trying to raise kids, with a wife like that. I mean, come on! At lease my parents’s pasts were never that dark. They could give me the ‘wait-till-marriage’ speech and keep a straight face, precisely because they’d lived it…not like so many born-again fakers. Besides, a non-virgin girl would make me feel emasculated. I already have enough troubles in my life and challenges to boot…I don’t need and will never need THAT kind of nonsense. Though of course, I’m sure there will be a bagillion nay-sayers, who will flame me and anyone who agrees with me, for being a stuck-up prick and a loser, destined for an empty, meaningless life of virginity, loneliness, and unaccomplished, wasted time…but, ya know, whatever…

Hey Tempest Desh! Keep in mind that Chasing Amy is an extreme example. To us as virgins, somebody who’s had groupsex is so far from us that it’s beyond appalling…it’s another planet from OK.

But remember: Kevin Smith didn’t make this movie for voluntary virgins, he made it for the average moviegoer. And for the average moviegoer, sex is the norm. So whereas for us he could have just made Allyssa’s past consist of normal in-relationship sex and gotten the same affect, he needed something more extreme to illicit the desired revulsion and insecurity out of the average public.

Actually, if you take a look at An Evening with Kevin Smith he says that while a lot of small things are based on things from his life in NJ, the major plots are usually blown up from his regular, boring, suburban life. He said that in reality, he was jealous of his girlfriend at the time going to Bali and he’d never gone. But he decided to use the insecurity he felt then to translate to what a lot of people feel when they find out about specific details of your partner’s sexual past. Smith doesn’t make a movie for the average movie goer. He makes movie that he wants to see and that he’s proud of.

The main point that’s shown again and again and again in the movie is as Alyssa says while the two are lying in bed, that she got where she was with him on her own terms, not because of anything anyone said or told her to do. She decided that she wanted to be with him regardless of everything she experienced previously. That’s something that anyone can relate to. Regardless of whether you wait or not, or your partner waited or not, or whether you don’t even care about waiting, you get where you are on your own terms. Abundance or lack of sex does not determine anyone’s overall happiness in life. It’s the power over your own decisions about sex that does. As someone who didn’t wait, I think everyone can agree with that.

I’ve been watching and re-watching all of the Evening With Kevin Smith’s over the past couple of weeks trying to find this one line I swear I remember him saying in some commentary. So I remember the part you’re referring to about jealousy over a girlfriend’s trip to Bali being the inspiration for Chasing Amy. The thing is, later in that same DVD (I think, it might have been in Evening Harder) he mentions being insecure about girlfriend’s past when he wrote Chasing Amy (see the direct quote at the top of this page). I don’t think Chasing Amy was purely extrapolated from the Bali thing. I think that was just a humorously dismissive answer on his part.

There’s a scene in Chasing Amy where Holden is confronting Alyssa about the fingercuff story at the hockey rink. Right as he’s asking the key lead-up questions, about to discover everything he doesn’t want to know, there’s a subtle heartbeat sound laid over the scene. I personally know that heartbeat very well, as I’ve been in Holden’s position before (confronting the girl I love about sexual history rumors). That heartbeat is a very, very intimate aspect of the experience. Even the timing of the beat was right. To me this is just one of several “little things” that Kevin Smith totally nailed in Chasing Amy. And that’s kind of my point.

Kevin Smith is brilliant, but Chasing Amy was a little too on-point to be merely the product of calculated empathy and extrapolation. I just don’t think he could reproduce the little things so accurately without some very relevant personal experience on his part to draw from. Being jealous about a trip to Bali wouldn’t be enough.

Plus there are several subplots in Clerks related to sexual history/insecurity too (thirty seven, Rick Derris), which to me makes insecurity about sexual history almost a recurring theme in Kevin Smith’s early movies. You could even argue that Ben Affleck’s part in Mallrats plays to this as well.

But I totally agree with you about Alyssa’s message being something everybody can relate to.

Anyhow, thanks for your comment. Happy to meet another Kevin Smith fan. I’m not done digging into Kevin Smith commentaries. If I ever discover that he did in fact predict with 100% accuracy, down to the most minimal detail, the experience of sexual insecurity/history discovery solely by extrapolating from a pang of jealousy he felt over a girlfriend’s vacation destination…I will correct this article. And then bow down and proclaim Kevin Smith the God of Empathy.

“Hi I’m Shawn Johnson. In your writing do you take any of your own life experiences and put them in?

…If I wrote about real life, Chasing Amy would be about the fact that I couldn’t stand that my
girlfriend had gone to Bali and I didn’t. Not a very interesting movie. So I’m like, ‘Maybe her boyfriend suggests they sleep with his best friend.’ That’s more interesting.”

I agree with you about that heartbeat sound. The kind that rings in your ears and it’s all you can think about. But I never felt it when I heard about any of my partner’s pasts, sexual or otherwise. I heard it when they were dishonest with me, when they lied to my face, covered it up, and then lied some more. Much like Alyssa lied to Holden about him being her one and only. It’s all in how you perceive it. Most fiction authors don’t intend their work to be seen in any particular way. They just put it out there and hope someone will like it. From one Kevin Smith fan to another, you really did surprise me with this article, coming from your perspective. Kudos and be blessed.

Dude, I love you! Thank you for posting that script link. That makes my life so much easier. I never thought to check for an online transcript of Q & A sessions. Beats the hell out of me having to jot down a bunch lines as I watch the DVD.

I guess, one of the main things, is that I’ve had to deal, time and again, with the types of girls, who, while they’re pleasantly shocked that I’ve waited, either mock me…or just don’t get it. Like, I feel that someone who hadn’t waited, wouldn’t be able to click with me and vice versa. I wouldn’t want to guilt trip them…and would try not to, but some level of hurt/pain would be inevitable. Besides, as a straight-edger, I tow a very fine line in things…making me a sort of post-modern ascetic and requiring a certain level of detachment and individuation. Hence a lot of my views and reactions to such a thing. I have to say, I do love the works of Kevin Smith (I remember the scene in Clerks where that confrontation occurs, etc.) Anywho, my nature sets me at odds with the World, by-and-large…but, it’s how I’d have it. If only I could find someone who was the same…or about to turn the other way, out of despair and loneliness. Maybe by showing her that she wasn’t alone, I might renew her faith in herself and her path? BTW, that script-o-rama site reminds me of the Poop-Shoot site from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, lol…

So Anonymous….do you ask every girl you get to know if theyre waiting or not? Maybe you should find someone you click with first then talk about sex. Im just sayin if you really love somebody then their past doesnt matter. if you cant get past it, then your probably not as in love as you thought you were. Same if she cant take the fact that you are waiting and she isnt.

While he does mention the traveling, he specifically states that the sexual history of his then girlfriend Joey Lauren Adams (the actress who plays Alyssa) was the basis of the story. I kind of want to re-watch it now, knowing how extremely personal and raw scenes like the Bob soliloquy and fight outside the hockey game are.

It makes me feel better to know this isn’t a problem predominantly affecting people who choose to wait.

a nonny mouse: I don’t like raining on parades, but their past does matter. What they did, how they reacted, and how they coped with past struggles and pleasures alike is how they will deal with events in your potential future.

I had always thought I would wait. If a girl wasnt a virgin than I wasnt interested in her. After a few girl friends in HS and one in college I gave my virginity to a girl who had also waited. We were together 7 years.

I then got with a new girl, and her past wasnt of any concern to me. An odd feeling.
We talked about my lack of past partners, and she eluded that she had a few past relationships.
One day when asking the number, she said 7 guys.
It was like time slowed down, just like the heartbeat in this movie.

The reaction that alyssa gives in the Hockey game is pretty accurate to true life.

Later on I came across an old email she had written and found out her number was probably a lot higher than that, along with married men, etc.

I confronted her just like affleck did in the movie. The movie is all to accurate in its ability to show the true feelings of these conversations.

No girl who has slept around wants to tell a person they love anything that can change their view of them. Thats why she allowed him to think he was her first. It would have been a lot better if she was honest with him.

It took me 5 years of silently dealing with my girlfriends past to begin to put it behind me, and I know that I will never get over it. I had even cheated on her a couple of times specifically trying to get back at her for her past and it made me feel absolutely terrible.

If you cant deal with your partners past then I suggest you move on sooner rather than later. You will have your own past soon enough as no one can wait forever, unless they are trolls. Then they shouldn’t breed at all.

After 7 years, a happy marriage I can say I am dealing with it well.
However, she will never know that her past has forever tainted my view of her, and there isn’t a day that goes by that it doesn’t somehow affect me.

HELP, me and my wife have been married for five months she is 19 years old and im 26. we met in the USNavy. when i met her i fell in love with her instantly and she did with me as well. everything was great and since we were in A school i knew at some point i was gonna get sepperated from her she was in a relationship when we met he was her age and they were together for almost two years at the time. he was unsuportive of the Mil. and he was very controling. i was like a knight who swooped her off her feet but i felt bad. although we did nothing physical while she was still with him we still both fell for each other and the tension was there. i tried to scare her away with my past mistakes i.e. Marijana use and alcohol use but it didnt work she loved me more for it. she then talked about marriage and that we should do it right away. she was my first love, girlfriend, and other things. i didnt want to lose her so i agreed i do and am in love with her but i know i rushed things just cause i was afraid of her and i getting sepperated and then her meeting someone else kinda like what happened with her ex and me. then cuz she knew my past i asked her about hers she had kissed another boy or rather let him kiss her while she was with the ex and “WRESTLED” around with an old crush behind her exes back cuz he supposedly checks other girls out all the time. although she lied to him about those instances at first she eventually told him the truth. So after knowing all this it scared me but i let it go, kept it in the back of my head. Then the Very first day we were Girlfriend and Boyfriend some guy asked her for her number and she gave it to him and then let him give her his. She called me right after and told me and i flipped i couldnt understand why she didnt mention she had a boyfriend and she said she got intimidated and didnt know what to do. so after that i started to watch things to see if she was a flirt and if she checked out other guys and stuff and i noticed it everytime. she denies it to this day she says she only has eyes for me and only loves me but i dont believe her i think she is a flirt and that she checks other guys out even in front of me. she also told me she was a virgin but the second weekend we were together she talked me into having sex. i told her no three times but after the 4th time i knew i loved her i didnt want to take advantage of her or make her think thats all i wanted but she insisted so i said ok. i believd she was a vigin but looking back there is no way she would go two years with a aggressive controling boyfriend and tell him no, but date me for two weeks and beg me for sex. she says its cuz she knew we were getting married but if she knew that she could have waited another month. Then i chose two leave the Mil. for her so i could be a spouse and be with her as often as possible, long story but i had the opportunity and she didnt otherwise i would have had her do it. now she is surounded by Alpha Male guys on a daily basis and im afraid of looking like a fool if she is flirting all the time or might even cheat on me. i feel she has lied about everything but when i confront her she denies it all. i dont know what to do. I cant trust my wife and i want to so badly our marriage is falling apart and thats making it harder to keep hope i do love her i need help. she is very attractive and feminine for a Mil woman so she is like a meal for those men im scared.

Everyone has a past, people do not magically spawn into existance like in the vid’ja games, and it is what they do in the present and their plans for the future that matter. If you cannot accept someone with a past then do not waste your time with that person, period. Presuming you are only going to be married once to the right person, the rest of the world is the wrong person, regardless of where you stand on the waiting issue. I know non-virgins that are kind people and who were in love when they surrendered to another, and I know virgins that are nice wholesome people, but I also know some where that is their only redeeming quality. My sister in law was raped repeatedly by her biological cousin before she was taken from her home by the law, and adopted when she was eight. I know people who believe she is sullied by this and would never consider even being her friend because of it. Before she found her home with my husband’s family there were people who had the opportunity to adopt her, a beautiful loving child, and declined because she was already old enough to have a past.

There are men now who will not date her, because she is open about what happened to her early on in a relationship and the fact she is technically not a virgin is too much for them to handle, not that she was raped mind you. Quite frankly, anyone who feels that way does not deserve her, does not deserve her kindness, warmth or friendship even, and tell you what if someone ever came out against her publicly like Holden does in Chasing Amy they would have a foot up their ass so fast they would be questioning their own status for the rest of their lives. In fact I wish Heather and Tricia Jones had been at the hockey rink to thrash their sister’s a$$munch boyfiend Jersey-style after he left Alyssa sobbing in a heap, like “our sister was happy as a lesbian and no wonder, with dicks like you circulating the scene.”

So to all of you who insist you cannot be happy without having a virgin, find one and go in peace, and don’t even dabble with anyone else. Nobody judges your choice, and you will just cause destruction and pain for yourself and everyone around you, when you judge the choices of others. Stop lamenting that there are no virgins and pray that the one you find is a person you can love and live with… because there are far greater crimes than giving it up…

The point of the movie is to that men have stupid insecurities rooted in anti feminist tendencies when it comes to having a so called “experienced” gf. Missing the points you guys, and the more you men continue to hold girls up to some stupid , idealized version of feminity, the longer it’ll be till we have actual gender equality. God guys, no wonder you’re single. Wow..

@Catherine – I hear from lots of people every week who are trying to get over insecurities about their partner’s sexual past…and nearly half of them are women. Guys aren’t the only ones with insecurities about this.

I agree with you that society on the whole still has a double-standard when it comes to expectations about a woman’s sexual past. But you’re speaking to a different demographic now.

Here at WaitingTillMarriage.org, both guys AND girls have uncommonly conservative expectations about a partner’s sexual past. But in this case, their expectations are consistent with their own actions, rather than hypocritical. A guy who waits, on average, doesn’t expect his girl to be “waiting for him” because he’s anti-femenist. He expects her to be waiting for him because he waited for her.

That’s a little different than the scenario that I think you’re referring to — when a guy sleeps around for years and then gets indignant when the girl he wants to settle down with isn’t chaste. I think we can all agree that those kinds of guys are anti-feminist, narrow, and headed for a doomed marriage. But that’s not the situation you’re seeing here (for the most part…this is an internet comment thread).

Also, we can debate the point of Chasing Amy until the end of time (unless Kevin Smith decides to swoop end and settle it for us), but to me, Holden’s problem wasn’t that Alyssa had any sexual experience. His problem was that she had so much more sexual experience than him. That’s why his crazy solution at the end is to have a threesome — so their experience will be equal.

I think lots of people — guys and girls, waiters and non-waiters — have found themselves in a relationship with somebody who has much more experience than them and felt insecure about it. That problem is not limited to anti-feminist men.

[…] to hold the moral that those of the opposite sex who are virgins are the most respectable. The http://waitingtillmarriage.org/5-reasons-you-should-watch-chasing-amy/ that Holden has in finding a virgin is ruined when he finds out Alyssa is not a […]

What? The whole point of this movie is that sexual history is irrelevant when you care about someone. That’s the whole point Silent Bob makes in his speech, which you linked. Holden felt emasculated and cheated because he thought that he was the only man to touch her, and the thing is she never actually says that he is. Watch the movie, she leads him to believe it by not correcting him. He didn’t care about the bounds of women Alyssa slept with, Alyssa even pointed that out.

This movie is not a proponent for waiting until marriage, not at all. This film is about love, gender lines, and the very strongly supported point that sexual history doesn’t matter. What’s in the past is in the past. It is a realistic and unfortunate reaction to the situation, but that’s what its struggling to fight against: the breakdown of a relationship because of past events that can’t be changed.

Silent Bob even says he made a mistake, which is why now all he is looking for is a woman like the one he loved, Amy– he’s “Chasing Amy”.

Having sex or not having sex wasn’t the point, it was learning to accept the flaws and mistakes your partners made.

@Nope – Not sure if some part of this article is misleading, but I don’t think I ever implied that Chasing Amy promoted WTM. My point is that it’s therapeutic for those who are waiting to watch Chasing Amy, precisely for the reasons you pointed out. Waiters-till-marriage deal with tons of sexual jealousy issues, and Chasing Amy covers a lot of those feelings and shows how ultimately foolhardy they are.

It’s funny how people are stating that a persons past doesn’t matter and the only thing that counts is if you care for that person now. Firstly in the film she flat out lies, so it is not just her sexual past but her deception. How can you develop feelings for a person if the person presented to you is not the real person. Also a persons past is very relevant as it informs the type of person you/they are and the decisions you/they make.

People have very different scales of what they will and won’t find acceptable or be able to deal with. But to say it is in the past is nonsense. For some people finding out that their partner was with a few people before them or finding out that their partner was in a gangbang video or was a prostitute is very different. It is all a sexual past but to say that everything in the past should be left is crazy. The past defines you, the fact that you are able to commit certain acts is very relevant and will be throughout your whole life.

That is why people should be very aware of their actions as some will stay with you for life. I know people change and certain situations in life alter thinking at certain times but your decisions do matter and they do have a bearing on the now and the future.

I can’t stand this modern thinking of ‘live with no regrets’ , regrets are part of life and understanding regret can make you think before engaging in certain acts which can prevent the exact situation in the film.

I guess it is up to every person to decide what they will and won’t accept from a person or a persons past but I think the focus in the film of her being more experienced than him being the problem overlooks the fact that for many in that situation the main problem would be that she is capable of committing a certain act.

“Chasing Amy is about coming to terms with a partner’s sexual history” Not quite, it is a cautionary tell about ignorance of sexuality and inadequacy.
Trying to state the movie promotes abstinence is ironic considering it would fall into the same category the movie cautions against (Ignorance).

While I have an opinion, I won’t debate the meaning of Chasing Amy. I think whatever meaning each person derives from the movie, that speaks to him/her is valid. However, I did see a theme running through the topic of discussion and I wanted to offer a different perspective. Regardless of our sexual histories, prior to entering into relationships, we have a responsibility to ourselves to be consciencious of our boundaries and to recognize that dating is for the purpose of GETTING TO KNOW SOMEBODY. Buyer be warned! This is the time to take things slow. Respect the rights of others to maintain some privacy in the beginning but as you get to know one and other as you become more comfortable, ask lots of questions. It’s also a time to keep in mind, as you’re learning about each other that potential “deal breakers” could arrise. What is acceptable to one person might not be acceptable to another but as a general rule, that doesn’t give anyone the right to be unnecessarily cruel towards another person or harbor unspoken resentment.

Wow. The backwards comments of Christian men make me want to run quickly into the arms of the first lesbian I can find. Get over yourselves. Virginity is a concept it doesn’t really even exist. You men are the real disease. I never ever hated men. Ever. I wanted to run into a little cage and be with them. But when you find out how they really, really want to control you and tell you what to do. It’s pretty sickening. Hey men. FUCK YOU! I hope you all go to hell. You’re pathetic.

Going through a rough patch myself and started seeking out wisdom about how to cope. I read a bunch of crap that basically paints Holden as a selfish prick. Holden was actually the victim here. He was LIED TO.

Amy was sexually promiscuous in the past; it is what it is. If you can live with that, more power to you. Holden couldn’t. He was lead to believe that he was the first man in her life. Regardless of your opinions on love or sex, how can her deal-breaking lie be ignored in this equation?

Despite the lie, he tortures himself with all sorts or mental and spiritual gymnastics to try an work around the lie/betrayal. He later decides that he made a mistake, but he came to that decision with eyes and heart wide open. The way it should be done.

I have a girlfriend who is so caring, loving, has amazing personality. We have so much in common, fx same sense of humor, same taste of music, other same hobbies. Our relationship was amazing, lots of fun all the time together.

I was virgin before I met her, but she had had around 10 sexual partners before me. (including some one night stands and one threesome) This blew my mind and I have said so many horrible stuff to her. But she has been always so patient, and say “I love you always, no matter what you say. I know you are the one for me. I found you.” I can feel, and sense that she is super committed to this relationship. She tries to help me all the time, even when I am hurting her saying horrible stuff. Some times before, I have been about to give up this insecurity. But I decided not to. I’m not gonna lose this amazing girl ever for my, this stupid pride. I know I would be chasing her for ever if I did. I am not gonna lose this.

I also have had a very rough time dealing with my girlfriend’s sexual past. Although I do not consider myself racist, I am upset with her having had sex with 6 black men in the past (she is white, I am white). I love her, and I know that she is truly committed to me and wants to marry me.

I have a hard time choosing between the “Chasing Amy” philosophy of letting go of a partner’s past because it’s in the past, or the philosophy of her past is what she’ll do in the future.

When I saw this movie I thought that Holden was a complete douche bag. It’s their past all they can do is learn from it and he let his emotions get in the way of it and she was crazy about him. And then he screwed up and kept bothering her about her past . And then Alicia should’ve been honest that he was in her first girl so you have to be honest basically in a relationship who the fuck cares about the past just be nice to each other that’s pretty much it I don’t relate to this movie at all and I thought that part in the movie was completely stupid.

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