Comments on: I screwed up … big timehttp://blog.timesunion.com/ontheedge/i-screwed-up-big-time/11699/
What's trending in your life, and in oursWed, 25 Feb 2015 00:43:41 +0000hourly1http://wordpress.org/?v=3.8.3By: Carolynhttp://blog.timesunion.com/ontheedge/i-screwed-up-big-time/11699/comment-page-1/#comment-60265
Thu, 24 Dec 2009 15:36:52 +0000http://blogs.timesunion.com/kristi/?p=11699#comment-60265I agree with Andie. The friendship definitely cannot be salvaged after publicly posting about it.
For future friendships… I follow the general rule of my friends who have a baby have one year of being overly sensitive, selfish and lousy friends. If they don’t need it, fantastic, but it seems that more often than not it takes a new parent about 1 year to start returning to normal friendship status. Not that I think you should be a lapdog in this time frame, but you can distance yourself for a little while, change your expectations and hope normalcy arrives soon.
]]>By: Andiehttp://blog.timesunion.com/ontheedge/i-screwed-up-big-time/11699/comment-page-1/#comment-60128
Wed, 23 Dec 2009 16:59:18 +0000http://blogs.timesunion.com/kristi/?p=11699#comment-60128I have to think that you had already decided the friendship was over before starting to publish these posts. I just can’t imagine that you’d overlook the kind of observer-effect that publication would have on the prospect of salvaging this relationship. As a “relationship columnist” who people seem to respect and trust for insight and advice, it almost seems irresponsible to ignore the fact that publicly airing grievances about personal problems (whether you’re a career journalist or anyone with a twitter or facebook account) can have a huge impact on how they play out (regardless of anonymity).

I just wonder how things would have turned out if you had sent “the list” to her directly, waited for closure behind the scenes, or allowed for some distance before sharing with the world. In other words, I wish I could thumb back to the page of the Choose Your Own Adventure that says “turn to page 47 to make Kristi deal with this problem privately” just to see how it might have turned out. Probably the same, and at least this seems to have offered you some catharsis… I’m just not sure it’s great for your credibility as a commentator on handling relationships.

]]>By: dshttp://blog.timesunion.com/ontheedge/i-screwed-up-big-time/11699/comment-page-1/#comment-60101
Wed, 23 Dec 2009 15:58:16 +0000http://blogs.timesunion.com/kristi/?p=11699#comment-60101after reading all this for the first time K, and there were some great posts on giving advice, I think Dave’s idea of sending back the friendship necklace without any note is the best for sure….it is sad as all relationship endings are to deal with and giving back the actual piece of a momento you two shared says it all…..
]]>By: DaveTooTurtleDoveshttp://blog.timesunion.com/ontheedge/i-screwed-up-big-time/11699/comment-page-1/#comment-60092
Wed, 23 Dec 2009 15:21:15 +0000http://blogs.timesunion.com/kristi/?p=11699#comment-60092This May, if you still have it, mail to Lisa the “St end” piece of the friendship jewelry. No note, no anything else. That should put all the closure on this friendship that you may be looking for.
]]>By: Jaimehttp://blog.timesunion.com/ontheedge/i-screwed-up-big-time/11699/comment-page-1/#comment-26335
Fri, 15 May 2009 22:15:16 +0000http://blogs.timesunion.com/kristi/?p=11699#comment-26335Wow! The comment above from Lisa K so hit home with me. However, the outcome was different. I had similar feelings, i.e. “doormat” with a friend of 14 years as well. It was definitely a toxic friendship and had been for many years AND we were roommates too. I shied away from confrontation and just took anything and everything that she threw at me. When I did try to confront and call her out on her BS, things only got worse and she basically told me she didn’t care. Never remorse, never an apology. TOXIC! I up and moved out ON my 30th B-day. Never been so happy! Thanks for making that comment Lisa K. Just made me feel better about my decisions to get out!
]]>By: Lisa Khttp://blog.timesunion.com/ontheedge/i-screwed-up-big-time/11699/comment-page-1/#comment-26332
Fri, 15 May 2009 20:03:55 +0000http://blogs.timesunion.com/kristi/?p=11699#comment-26332Sorry to weigh in late here — Kristi, I just read the back story and this posting. Sadly, I have gone through many toxic friendships with girlfriends in my life and I used to think it was me – but then I realized that it wasn’t anything I did or said, that friendships just sometimes run their course and people are supposed to be there for a certain time in your life and then you move on.

I also used to feel like a “doormat” taking mean-spirited comments or snipes from supposed friends because I hated confrontation. I now know, in my early 30s, to try to confront this behavior because it is indeed, toxic. I recently called out my best friend of 14 years on some childish, immature behavior….and she was remorseful and apologetic! She was not mad at me, in fact she was in tears that she had hurt me. You are doing all you can and I think with this card, you just need to close the chapter. The ball is in her court and you should not be treated to the crumbs of friendship she throws your way. Hang in there.

]]>By: Greghttp://blog.timesunion.com/ontheedge/i-screwed-up-big-time/11699/comment-page-1/#comment-26004
Tue, 12 May 2009 14:45:19 +0000http://blogs.timesunion.com/kristi/?p=11699#comment-26004The only thing you have not tried yet, is walking back and forth in front of her house with a “new best girlfriend” in an attempt to make Lisa jealous…
]]>By: Kristi Gustafsonhttp://blog.timesunion.com/ontheedge/i-screwed-up-big-time/11699/comment-page-1/#comment-26003
Tue, 12 May 2009 00:00:55 +0000http://blogs.timesunion.com/kristi/?p=11699#comment-26003Kristi responds:

SJK, apologies on my delayed reply. I actually meant to respond to the point you made earlier today (Comment No. 13), then got sent out on a story.

You are (partially) right. I’m a major people pleaser when it comes to my friends. The Boyfriend (and others) fault me for never saying “no” to friends, but I have a mentality that if I can make their lives better, easier, etc. (like the T-shirt spinning), I should.

Also, I look at the Lisa relationship like a marriage of sorts. People do not casually toss away a unity after 21 years. They work on that relationship, attempt to repair damage and work through the problems and see if they can move forward together, or independently.

You are probably right, though. Lisa is done with this relationship. She’s moved on. But, yes, closure (which would come from an explanation) would have been nice.

I truly think your blog is great, but I have to agree with Anne here. Back when you first brought up the topic of this relationaship, and laid out the details (troubles) therein, I mentioned that if Lisa read it, she might not be happy.

Truth is, she may well have read it, and is now dumbfounded that you are STILL trying to be friends with her.

I think it’s time to accept that you actually DO have an idea here how things will end up. It’s no mystery anymore. She’s made it clear she wants to be done. As hard as that is to accept, it’s just reality.

You path now should be to be accepting of that, and spend your time and energy on people who are truly invested in you and care about you. Not ones that could walk away without even the courtesy of an explanation..

]]>By: Jinhttp://blog.timesunion.com/ontheedge/i-screwed-up-big-time/11699/comment-page-1/#comment-26000
Mon, 11 May 2009 23:09:10 +0000http://blogs.timesunion.com/kristi/?p=11699#comment-26000@Anne – what an incredibly insightful comment. Thank you for saying that. It’s good for all of us to remember in this new world where everything we feel is written about that we are raising the bars for everyone involved, not just ourselves.
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