Category Archives: Stinky People

Knowing how some dog-owners are irresponsible about cleaning up after their mutts, I can see how this lady flipped out after stepping in dookie. When I worked for the local City Parks, it was a municipal code that it was a crime for people not to pick up their dogs poop after going in the park. Of course, this law was unenforcable – the cops were too busy, and the Parks administration had deemed it to risky for park workers to approach potentially crazy persons with vicious dogs. So, each morning when I worked in this one particular park doggy toilet, I would see multiple residents of the fine old turn-of-the-century homes that surrounded the park, arriving in turns with Fido on a leash, to take his morning dump. And they never picked it up.

You can’t count on most people to do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do. And you can’t count on the boys in blue to mediate the situation. So who can you count on?

Answer: You can count on spike to leave nauseating pile of crap under the sycamore tree.

Here’s a possible strategy I though up for lashing back at people who leave their dog’s land mines on public or private property.

Naperville police say Miller also took a sign advising apartment residents to clean up after their dogs and placed it, along with green plastic bags used for cleaning up dog waste, on the same neighbor’s patio.

When police arrived at the apartment in answer to a complaint, they found Miller chasing a cat through the complex.

She yelled at the officers, asking if they “were there about the (neighbor) with dog poop,” the police report said.

Police arrested Miller — after she caught up with her roommate’s cat, the report said.

This sort of thing would never fly in the United States, where we jealously guard our right to be smelly. I do believe I have a solution for the Brits, however, that will save them from having to post signs, codify the “no raised arms on the coaster” rule, and escort non-compliant individuals off the premises with all the attendant embarassment and hard feelings such militancy doubtless engenders. My solution is quite simple and inexpensive. It’s called:

Yes, indeed, quite a few years ago someone came up with an invention. An inexpensive preparation sold at most retail outlets, called “Underarm Antiperspirant/Deodorant.” I have found it to be most effective. For example, I am attending the county fair tomorrow. It will be a hot day, and like most of the men in my family, I tend to perspire heavily. However, I will shower in the morning before I leave, and after the shower, I will apply this miraculous preparation to my underarms, and I positively GUARANTEE, my furry pits will be a sweet as a spring meadow come nightfall.

Y’all across the pond need to get yer heads on straight. No wonder Noel Coward wrote the lines, “Only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the noonday sun….”

Some have speculated that the “Mr. Creosote Scene” from Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life (see below) is the most revolting in 20th century cinema. Having recently seen Trainspotting (1996) for the first time, I have to say it’s a serious contender; I find it far, far more revolting than Mr. Creosote.

Cautions:

If you haven’t seen the movie and you’re a fan of Ewan McGregor, you might want to skip this clip.

If you’re incapable of clinical detachment, and tend to retch when seeing revolting things, you should probably skip it.

If you watch it, and it severely grosses you out or ruins your dinner…well, I warned you.

WARNING!

It has been suggested that the scene is one of the most repulsive in twentieth-century cinema. Director Quentin Tarantino has confessed to being nauseated by this scene, but critics with stronger stomachs have praised its dark humour. (Leonard Maltin noted it as “an unforgettable scene, like it or not.”) It was filmed in the Porchester Centre, a public building owned by the City of Westminster on Porchester Road, London.

There’s an episode of Family Guy where Peter has liposuction, which turns him into a beautiful person. In short order, he is invited to join an exclusive club for beautiful people, and on the inaugural tour of the facilities his host hands him a bottle of pills: “Here, take these – they’ll make your bowel movements smell like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls.”

My prize question therefore should be, To discover some drug wholesome and not disagreeable, to be mixed with our common food, or sauces, that shall render the natural discharges, of wind from our bodies, not only inoffensive, but agreeable as Perfumes.

That this is not a chimerical Project, and altogether impossible, may appear from these considerations. That we already have some knowledge of the means capable of varying that smell. He that dines on stale flesh, especially with much addition of onions, shall be able to afford a stink that no company can tolerate; while he that has lived for some time on vegetables only, shall have that breath so pure as to be insensible to the most delicate noses; and if he manage so as to avoid the report, he may any where give vent to his griefs unnoticed….

Well, such a product has arrived. Misanthrope and skeptic that I am, I am inclined to doubt its efficacy sight unseen waft unsmelled, but this new product called Whiff!, pushed (yes, that’s the right word) at a website with the evocative name takeawhiff.com claims that their product will render your poop and farts odorless (except in the case of avid meat-eaters, in which case the original essence of the miasma will remain, merely diminished in potency).

Camorra cause a stink in Naples

The Mob has proved no better than Italy’s inept municipal authorities at running waste disposal business properly.

(Excerpt)

..the Mob has proved no better than Italy’s inept municipal authorities at running the service properly. Barely any new waste processing facilities have been built in Naples for decades, and since last December, the region’s dumps have been full to capacity and unable to take any more. Hence the refuse piles 20 feet high in Naples’ once-picturesque alleyways, and hence what Neapolitans call La Puzza, or The Stink.

With it has come another unpleasant smell – less easily detectable but just as familiar in Italian public life. It is the whiff of corruption, and the sneaking feeling that the situation got so out of hand because of murky links between the Comorra and the city’s administration, stymying modern refuse projects that might threaten their waste rackets.

“The fish starts to stink from the head, so we should blame the political class,” said Quarto Gennaro, 51, nursing an espresso in a cafe in Forcella, an old-time Camorra district packed with loafing, jowelly men resembling Sopranos extras. “They always act together with the criminals….”

‘Cave man’ must wash

Oslo, Norway (Aftenposten)–A city magistrate has ruled that Oslo’s so-called “cave man,” who once lived in a pile of garbage near the city’s university campus, must agree to wash himself since he’s now living in a publicly funded nursing home. He objects, and vows to take his case to Norway’s supreme court.

The “cave man’s” case has been brewing in the courts for months, and was sent back to the magistrate’s level because of some judicial errors.

He’s still insisting that he can’t be forced to wash, and will only do so if he so chooses. His lawyer called forced washings “an extremely serious assault on the private sphere.”

The 54-year-old man is a former physics student who’s lack of personal hygiene led to his expulsion from student housing back in the late 1970s. He then started living in a pile of garbage adjacent to the campus, and public authorities let him be.

Health problems led to his admission to the nursing home two years ago, but once there he caused a stink, quite literally. Staff insisted he follow the rules of the institution out of consideration for his fellow residents and infection control.

City officials were pleased with the magistrate’s decision. The “cave man” was not, and he also has reported his forced washings to the police.