Everything* In Destiny, Ranked

Here at Kotaku, we like ranking things. Some of us also like playing Destiny. Let's put those two things together and see what happens!

I've played enough year-two Destiny to have a pretty solid set of opinions about which things are better than other comparable things. I have enough of those opinions that I've set about ranking everything* in Destiny.

Notes up front: These lists go from best to worst — the higher the number on a thing, the worse its ranking. When applicable, I've weighed something's value in PvE and PvP more or less equally. I play on PS4, so I'm including the various PlayStation-exclusive stuff on these lists.

Ready? Let's begin.

Subclasses

1. Hunter Nightstalker

2. Titan Sunbreaker

3. Titan Defender

4. Warlock Stormcaller

5. Warlock Sunsinger

6. Hunter Gunslinger

7. Titan Striker

8. Warlock Voidwalker

9. Hunter Bladedancer

Social Spaces

1. The Lighthouse

2. The Tower

3. The Reef

Emotes

1. Zombie Dance (Thriller)

2. Sorrow

3. Formal Bow

4. Blowing a Kiss

5. Enthusiastic Dance (The Carlton)

6. Slow Clap

7. Evil Scheme

8. Monster Dance (Backstreet's Back)

9. Bring it On

10. Boo

11. Tantrum

12. Oh, Please

13. Cower

14. Swing

15. Come At Me

16. Victory Cheer

17. Congrats

18. Booyah

19. Safe!

20. Pumped Up

Planets/Patrol Zones

1. Russian Cosmodrome

2. The Dreadnaught

3. The Moon

4. Mars

5. Venus

Patrol Mission Types

1. Kill enemies

2. Kill enemies and collect stuff they drop

3. Go fight a Taken mini-boss

4. Go kill one specific VIP somewhere

5. Go scan a thing

6. Go stand next to a thing

7. Run around chasing glowing "energy" like an idiot until it says you're done

Vanilla Public Events

1. Defeat Fallen Walker

2. Defend the Warsat

3. Defeat extraction crews

4. Prevent Vex sacrifices

5. Defeat target

Crucible Maps*

1. The Burning Shrine

2. The Cauldron

3. Shores of Time

4. Rusted Lands

5. Bannerfall

6. Black Shield

7. Crossroads

8. Widow's Court

9. The Dungeons

10. Thieves' Den

11. Sector 618

12. The Anomaly

13. Twilight Gap

14. Frontier

15. The Drifter

16. The Timekeeper

17. Pantheon

18. Vertigo

19. Memento

20. Blind Watch

21. Firebase Delphi

22. First Light

23. Bastion

*I haven't had time to properly evaluate Cathedral of Dusk.

Crucible Game Types

1. Elimination

2. Control

3. Clash

4. Rumble

5. Rift

6. Skirmish

7. Combined Arms

8. Salvage

Strikes

1. The Sunless Cell

2. Shield Brothers

3. Echo Chamber

4. The Shadow Thief

5. The Devils' Lair

6. Fallen S.A.B.E.R.

7. Cerberus Vae III

8. The Summoning Pits

9. Will of Crota

10. Dust Palace

11. Winter's Run

12. The Nexus

13. The Undying Mind

Raids

1. King's Fall

2. The Vault of Glass

3. Crota's End

Cheeses (Historical and Current)

1. Pulling the LAN cable on Crota

2. Launching yourself over the lanterns in The Abyss

3. Tunnelling under the Warsat at the start of Fallen S.A.B.E.R

4. Pushing the Templar off a cliff with grenades in Vault of Glass

5. Pushing Atheon off a cliff with grenades in Vault of Glass

6. Shooting the Devils' Lair walker with a year-one Black Hammer

7. Climbing on the chandelier and sniping Valus Ta'aurc

8. Using a warlock res to despawn enemies during the Crota's End bridge

9. Sniping the Archon Priest from the cliffs during Winter's Run

10. Sniping from outside the Summoning Pits boss chamber

11. Sniping the Nexus Mind without actually entering the boss chamber

Primary Weapon Types

1. Pulse Rifles

2. Scout Rifles

3. Hand Cannons

4. Auto Rifles

Special Weapon Types

1. Sniper Rifles

2. Shotguns

3. Sidearms

4. Fusion Rifles

Heavy Weapon Types

1. Swords

2. Giant Fusion Rifles

3. LMGs

4. Rocket Launchers

Year-Two Exotic Weapon Quests

1. Black Spindle

2. Touch of Malice

3. The Chaperone

4. No Time To Explain

5. Boolean Gemini

6. Sleeper Simulant

7. Dark-Drinker, Bolt-Caster & Raze-Lighter

8. The First Curse

Exotic Primaries*

1. Red Death

2. Touch of Malice

3. Bad Juju

4. Zhalo Supercell

5. Tlaloc

6. The Jade Rabbit

7. Ace of Spades

8. Monte Carlo

9. Boolean Gemini

10. Hawkmoon

11. SUROS Regime

12. No Time To Explain

13. The Last Word

14. Fabian Strategy

*The First Curse is the one exotic primary I don't have, because I haven't bothered finishing the quest. Apparently it's not a very good gun? Anyway, I'm leaving it off.

Exotic Special Weapons

1. Black Spindle

2. Telesto

3. The Chaperone

4. Invective

5. Hereafter

6. The 4th Horseman

Exotic Heavy Weapons*

1. Bolt-Caster

2. Sleeper Simulant

3. Truth

4. Dark-Drinker

5. Raze-Lighter

6. Thunderlord

*I don't have Dark-Drinker or Raze-Lighter, but based on how they operate, I think I can safely rank them.

King's Fall Weapons

1. Qullim's Terminus (LMG)

2. Doom of Chelchis (Scout)

3. Defiance of Yasmin (Sniper)

4. Smite of Merain (Pulse)

5. Elulim's Frenzy (Rocket)

6. Silence of A'arn (Shotty)

7. Zaouli's Bane (Hand Cannon)

8. Midha's Reckoning (Fusion)

9. Anguish of Drystan (Auto)

10. Why isn't there a raid sidearm (I don't get it)

Oryx's Children

1. Ir Anûk

2. Ir Halak

3. Crota

Vendors and Questgivers

1. Cayde-6

2. Variks

3. Ghost

4. Lord Shaxx

5. Petra Venj

6. Arach Jalaal

7. Xur

8. Eris Morn

9. Banshee-44

10. Kadi 44-30

11. Commander Zavala

12. Master Rahool

13. Ikora Rey

14. Xander 99-40

15. Tess Everis

16. Amanda Holliday

17. Master Ives

18. Lakshmi-2

19. Executor Hideo

20. Lord Saladin

21. Brother Vance

22. Eva Levante

23. Berg 99-40

23. The Speaker

Xur Locations

1. By the jukebox in the lounge

2. By the speaker, in front of the big wall

3. Over by the hallway leading to the flight deck

4. In the back by the Vanguard table

5. By the speaker, over on the balcony

6. In the hallway across from Shaxx

7. In the closet on reef

Reasons For Doing Prison of Elders

1. Strange coins

2. Weapon parts

3. Strange coins

4. Weapon parts

5. For fun lol OK mostly for strange coins and weapon parts

And there you have em, my rankings for everything* in Destiny. I'm sure there are some things you'd like to rank, or some categories you'd rank differently... and let's be real, I probably left something off one of these lists. I hope you'll share your own rankings in the comments below.

I've run the raid 3 times and the RNG light ontop of RNG loot drops is just too much. Have quit since my third raid and not planning to give these scam artists another cent. Smallest and shallowest $185.00 game I've ever played.

Got to agree with this. Firstly after stating (again for the umpteenth time) that loot drops will factor in what gear you already have, I seem to be stockpiling an unhealthy amount of raid chest pieces and rocket launchers and not much else from multiple run throughs (both normal and hard mode). Secondly, what gear I have had drop has been of a lower light than the equipment I already have equipped without fail.

What's the point of spending several hours on a raid when a) you're not guaranteed a drop in the first place, and b) the drops you do get, chances are won't advance your character at all. In game rewards have gone absolutely nowhere as far as I'm concerned. The only drops that made sense were the green and blue drops you got while still doing the story missions, at least they leveled up as you progressed. The Destiny level cap has always been too low however and too easily obtainable to offer any real replayability other than the desire to have all the exotics

If I list stuff I like about a random game I play can I call myself a 'journalist' as well?

The only thing I'd say is that The First Curse, people don't like slow firing, slow reloading hand cannons. Their loss. I'm finding it a fairy competent hand cannon. Put some armour on that increases reload speed and you have a beast on your hand with the impact it has.

Also, prepare to change your 'preference' of primary weapon based on what class Bungie decide to boost above the rest. You love Red Death right now? Funny that pulse rifles are the class they gave a ridiculous boost right now. I wonder if you'll still love Red Death when they next mess around with the weapons

Story time! I went to an all-girls’ school. My friends and I had that special bond of closeness that apparently comes with synced-up periods and measuring the length of each other’s winter leg hair.
This, obviously, led to a brief era of trying to catch one of the others unawares with the most impressive, most unexpected spank possible. We’re talking sneaking up behind each other in the hallway and laying one down that made the earth shake. If I couldn’t read your palm from the imprint, you weren’t doing a good enough job.