10 Trades That Should Happen at the MLB Trade Deadline

The Yankees are a festering pile of mediocrity with a very slim shot to make the playoffs. The A’s have the best record in baseball. Jeter should end his great career in the postseason, not toiling hopelessly in the Bronx. Also, Oakland’s shortstop Jed Lowrie kind of sucks and 2014 Jeter wouldn’t provide much of a drop-off. This deal needs to happen. The Yankees must do what’s right for their legend.

2. Ryan Braun to the Phillies

The Phillies love people in their thirties with massive contracts. But that’s not the main reason for this deal. It’s this: if there’s anyone who can be counted on to hit this dickhead in the head with some batteries, it’s the good people of Philadelphia.

3. anyone to the Twins

Let’s be honest: no one is going to become a Minnesota Twin willingly. The only way the Twins will ever get anyone to play for them is to force people to play for them through trades. Here’s their last opportunity for a while.

4. Smellface Fartbreath to the Marlins

I don’t know if that’s a real player, but someone with the name FARTBREATH would probably sell a lot of jerseys. And a team like the Marlins can use all the marketing help they can get. If Smellface Fartbreath exists, they should go get him.

5. player to be named later for player to be named later

The trade deadline is very stressful for GMs. Wouldn’t it be nice to just procrastinate a little bit and relax? It would. It would be nice.

6. Matt Kemp to the Mariners

The Dodgers have a glut of outfielders and the Mariners need a bat. Just makes sense.

7. Texas Rangers for the Colorado Rockies

Both of these teams blow. But they could improve with a change of scenery. That’s a thing I’ve heard baseball experts say all the time. Changes of scenery work wonders. And anyone who knows baseball knows that Texas is all flat and deserty while Colorado has mountains and stuff. That’s just a fact. It would be very change of scenery.

8. Jon Lester for a future Hall of Famer

Lots of teams are offering prospects to Boston for Jon Lester. The Red Sox shouldn’t take just any top prospects, though. They should take the prospect so good he will become an all-time great. That’s a deal they won’t regret.

9. John Lackey to the Yankees

If the Yankees are going to make a playoff run, they’ll need pitching and Lackey could be of interest. Granted, it would be rare for the Red Sox to help their hated rival, but if they stuff Lackey full of dynamite and then send him to the Yankees? That’s a deal Boston could stomach.

10. Ryan Howard for Mike Trout

Phillies GM Ruben Amaro, Jr., has a reputation for being the worst general manager in baseball. But if he pulled off this deal, he could be like: “Oh, yeah? In your face, HATERS.”