Lindsay Lohan Made It To 28

This right here. This is what I’m talking about. No one could survive that.

Because God looked down upon the cockroach and said, “Lo, shall you persevere against insurmountable odds and spread blowjays across the earth for all eternity as penance for your bespeckled form which is a blight upon my eyes,” Lindsay Lohan turned 28 today officially making her ineligible for The 27 Club even though that’s predominantly reserved for musicians and people with talent, so I never really got that joke. Anyway, while I’ve been repeatedly frustrated by her penchant for survival as others pass on, I should probably take comfort in knowing I’ll still have a job after some religion bombs us all to shit trying to destroy another one. The posts will practically write themselves. “So you’ll never guess who was late to the decontamination dome today. I’ll give you a hint: She has three legs and blows mutated snails for yellow-coke because it’s the good kind with the uranium in it.”