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Satirical & Poetic Musings Of A Self-Proclaimed Nobel Prize Winner

Now I’m Being Sued By A Real Cannibal

I’ve made a lot of enemies this weekend, Ken Ham, Jedi Master PZ Meyers/Peezus Myers and his loyal following of sanctimonious puppies, but I never expect this. A real cannibal from somewhere in Texas (go figure, eh?) has filed a defamation of character lawsuit against me because he says I’m giving real cannibals a bad name with my cannibal posts. The cannibal’s name is Harry Eatumup, and along with a notice that he was suing me, he sent me this letter, which I post below.

Cannibal, Harry Eatumup Is Suing Me

“My dear Bigoted Shit-head,

My name is Harry Eatumup. I know cannibals. I went to school with cannibals. My wife is a cannibal. And you, sir, are no cannibal. I also happen to be a decent, law-abiding cannibal myself and I have to tell you, you have insulted us greatly with your recent posts in which you claim to be a cannibal who’s going to eat either Ken Ham or Lord PZ Meyer’s for Christmas dinner. No real cannibal would eat such foul, nasty meat if he were paid a million dollars to do so. The suggestion itself is so repulsive to me that it has spoiled my appetite, hurt my feelings, and made me cry. You are an unfeeling man, Mr. Pontificator. You lack empathy and fail to see the true beauty and love real cannibals bring to the world. You’ve made a mockery of our culture and our culinary arts in your childish and crude blog posts. Instead of getting to know the real cannibals in your community, you’ve shamed them further into hiding. So I’m suing you, Mr. Pontificator, for defaming my character, my culture, and my taste in food. See you in court.”

Man, who haven’t I offended this weekend? If you think of someone, let me know so I can because it’s almost over.

Sounds great. I like the prizes, but, what would the game be? Perhaps something like, “Bible Literalist Island” vs “Island of Scientific Conveniences.” Those on the Bible Literalist Island will have to live for 2 years without ANYTHING the scientific method has given us since the day Christ died some 2000 plus years ago. This includes things like, toothpaste, medicine, indoor plumbing, heating and air conditioning, etc. Nothing that didn’t exist then can be on the island. Those on the Island of Scientific Conveniences get EVERY THING science has given us in the past 2000 years for the same 2 years, PLUS anything new and experimental that’s comes along during those 2 years. Gonna be a bitch if someone on the Literalist Island gets a bad infection or a bad injury, but hey, the Bible is all they’ll need, eh?