Pages

Saturday, 12 January 2013

Today's caller – 'Gary' – informed me that my Apple Mac laptop (which I DO NOT own!) had sent Apple's 'central and main office' in the USA an error message, and that he was there to help me 'resolve' the problem.

I decided to take the advice given to me earlier this month. Firstly I told 'Gary' that I was in the middle of cooking breakfast and that he would have to hang on for a couple of minutes whilst I finished. (This was NOT true.)

He hung on.

I then asked him if I needed to be sat at my laptop. When he replied in the affirmative, I told him that it was upstairs, and he would have to hang on whilst I went up three flights of stairs. (This was NOT true.)

He hung on.

A couple on minutes later I again spoke to 'Gary' and asked him the nature of the error message. He repeated what he had told me earlier ... so I asked him what the nature of the error was. He replied that all he had was the notification that my laptop had an error and that he would take me through the procedure to remove it.

I then asked him how he knew my contact details ... and he told me that Apple Mac had sent him my name, address, and telephone number along with the error message notification. I asked if he wanted to check them ... but he told me that this was not necessary. I asked why … but all he kept repeating was that he had received the information from Apple Mac.

I asked him if I should sit in front of my (non-existent) Apple Mac laptop. He replied in the affirmative and I wasted more time telling him that it was turned off and needed to be turned on. I then claimed to be having problems with my Internet connection … and this wasted more time. After another couple of minutes I told him that my computer was turned on and the Internet connection was fully functioning ... but before he could begin to tell me what to do I again asked the nature of the error. I again got the scripted reply, at which point I interrupted him to ask whether the error message had a code number. This seemed to nonplus him somewhat ... and then I added that as a computer professional these sorts of technical details interested me ...

... at which he apologised and rang off.

That was some ten minutes ago ... and I have left the 'phone off the hook ever since. It is making funny noises … just as if someone were trying to make ‘phone calls but was finding that their connection was not working.

Two great ones I've had (the same) friends pull:---"Sure, let me put you on to the person who makes the decisions." *hands phone to very talkative 2 1/2 year old*.---Them: "Can I talk to you about double glazing?"Friends: "Yes, if I can talk to you about God." (Friends are committed Christians, and quite capable of doing this)

It gets better! After I had put the 'phone back on the hook and gone out to post THE NUGGET my wife got a call ... from a 'qualified Microsoft engineer' ... and gave him the run around for fifteen or so minutes!

The best thing you can do with these creatures is to hit them in the pocketbook and as time is money, you burn up time like you were a timelord. Ask them to hold and string them along. I suggest you keep a log as to how long you can keep them on the hook and then publish the results. You may have just stumbled on a new RPG: Consumers and Idiots. I got the plus five vorple finger and a cloak of procrastination!

I got a call one day that began, "according to our records, you are a homeowner in Cartersville..."

At that point, I slipped into my best theatrical Russian accent, and said, "Zo, you haff been keeping a dossiere on me, despite vhat the Agency handlers promised," I paused, then shouted to Spike, "Start packing, the KGB are on our trail again." and hung up.

She is even worse. Once, when someone promised to lower our heating bills, she took everything she learned playing "Twilight 2000" and spun a story about how we were cooking down hay and oak leaves to make our own fuel, and had a truck mounted generator to power the "compound". When they switched gears and tried to sell her 'double paned windows", she replied, "Sorry, steel shutters. This Y2K thing might get out of hand." I married well.-Steve

I've had the 'qualified Microsoft engineer' routine a few times. My record for keeping them on the phone is 30 minutes. My usual approach now is to place the phone handset next to the PC/radio speaker...

Yet another ploy for me to use! I had considered recording one of those infuriating 'Please hold the line; your call is important to us' messages and crap (and badly recorded) classical music that I can play to the next cold caller.

Pages

The First Rule of Wargaming and the Spirit of the Wargame

The First Rule:

‘Nothing can be done contrary to what could or would be done in actual war.'

- From 'The Rules of the Naval War Game' by Fred T Jane

The Spirit of the Wargame:

‘Wargames are played, for the most part, without the supervision of an umpire. The game relies on the integrity of the individual players to show consideration for other players and to abide by the rules. All players should conduct themselves in a disciplined manner, demonstrating courtesy and sportsmanship at all times, irrespective of how competitive they may be. This is the spirit of the wargame.’

- Adapted from 'The Spirit of the Game' in 'The Rules of Golf' as published by the R&A Ltd.

About Me

I have been wargaming for as long as I can remember. One of the first toys that I was bought was a wooden fort that was garrisoned by assorted lead soldiers ... and I have never looked back!
The first wargames book I bought was CHARGE! (although I had taken out [and repeatedly read] Donald Featherstone's WAR GAMES book beforehand [and many thanks to John Curry for republishing it!]).
My first 20mm figures were the good old Airfix Guards Infantry and Band (in shocking pink!), soon followed by others as they were released, and by 1968, when I bought my first metal Hinton Hunt 20mm figures, I had a large collection of World War II figures, tanks, guns, and aircraft.
I was a founder member of WARGAME DEVELOPMENTS and have been the treasurer and membership secretary ever since. I have also organised – along with Tim Gow - the annual conference (COW – Conference of Wargamers) for the past ten years.
My main interests are wargaming any wars from 1850 onwards, although I have a special interest in Colonial, the Spanish Civil War, and World War II wargaming.
I also have a special interest in wargames that use square or hex grids for movement and weapon ranges.