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Topic: Oh no no no no no no! (Read 7642 times)

"Buts not the same as any other registry... because its not actually a registry. Its a fee based savings plan."

As DavidH mentioned, I'm defining its similarity to other registries in an etiquette sense, because whether it's a sound financial idea is outside the scope of etiquette. If you find it distasteful, then there's nothing forcing you to use it, just as would be the case if someone registered for a gift that you found distasteful.

Mikayla wrote:

"To me, the biggest difference is that people on this car site write blurbs to justify their request, and they come across as incredibly entitled. For example, "I've been a good student so I deserve a car". You won't see this on a wedding registry, or even an Amazon wish list."

There's nothing that requires an entitled blurb to set up this registry (one's blurb could easily just say "This is X's registry"), so it's the blurb that would be rude, not the registry.

"Also, a wedding registry is event specific, and is meant as a guideline or even a convenience to guests. Weddings are pretty much gift giving events, and the registry helps with ideas. That seems very different from telling people you want a car and you want help paying for it."

That depends how one uses it. If it was used much like a wedding registry, as a guidline for a specific event, then it would be identical to a gift registry.

"Finally, there are specific and long standing rules on how wedding registry info gets disseminated. It can't go on an invite, but it can be related via parents, a bridal shower, and the bride herself if asked about it."

This registry can be disseminated in the same way as a gift registry.

"With something like this, there's no way for its existence to be made available unless the person setting up starts that process. How do you start the process without begging for cash?"

That's no different from a gift registry. How would anyone know where you registered if you didn't tell them? As long as you tell them only when it's appropriate, again, it's no different from a gift registry.

"And maybe it's an uncharitable assumption, but I'd think once people start telling about it, it's just a short leap to posting it on FB."

It's interesting at least, and again, one could do exactly the same thing with a gift registry, and it would be rude to do it. But there's no requirement that this registry be used any differently than any other registry, so it's not de facto rude to use it at all. It may not be smart, but it's not rude.

I think part of the difference for me is that a registry exists to give people who are interested in getting you a gift suggestions. But a car registry (or a honeymoon registry) isn't giving people suggestions - it is a suggestion in and of itself. You aren't actually getting someone breakfast in bed or a new set of tires. You are giving them cash. So you also aren't actually providing options. Or suggestions. Other than: "Cash, please!" Except that its deceptive because someone might *think* that they are giving you breakfast in bed or a new set of tires. And of course if no one buys "plane fare" or "car frame" then your gift may become "September's groceries". If someone gives cash, they know that's a possibility. But if they are donating through one of these registries I think it sets up an expectation that the cash be used in a certain way - when there is actually no such expectation.

Incidentally, I don't have a problem with honeymoon registries as an option if there is another traditional registry (although if I decided to contribute, I'd send cash/check to the couple before I'd hand over a gift with a service fee to the registry since I know about the fees). Because then it really is "here are some gift options, also we are saving for our honeymoon!". But if the honeymoon registry is the only registry, it would be like only registering for one thing - which actually isn't helpful to the giver at all.

My bathroom needs remodeling. Does this mean I should have a bathroom registry (Buy me a faucet!) in stead of, oh say, setting up a savings account and having money automatically deducted from the checking account? Because with the savings account, I'm getting paid (interest), and with the registry, someone else is getting paid (fees).

That's no different from a gift registry. How would anyone know where you registered if you didn't tell them? As long as you tell them only when it's appropriate, again, it's no different from a gift registry.

If I have a registry for my (hypothetical) wedding, I don't direct people to it unless they ask. And the reason they are asking at all is because they know I'm getting married because they have received an invitation and are planning on buying me a gift anyway. If people are using this car registry instead of a traditional registry but still tied to their actual event such as a wedding, well, I can see your point even if I don't fully agree with it. But I highly doubt that that's the case. It sounds more like "I want a car, and I don't want to buy it myself, so I'm going to make this registry". Wanting a car is not an "life event" worthy of a registry and I can't imagine how anyone would ever ask me where I'm registered unless I was having a life event. So the only way for me to tell them is to bring it up myself out of the blue and basically ask people for money to fund my own life choices. Rude, rude, rude.

Virg, I think our difference is more about a philosophical approach than anything else. I'm in black and you're the the lady in red below!

"Also, a wedding registry is event specific, and is meant as a guideline or even a convenience to guests. Weddings are pretty much gift giving events, and the registry helps with ideas. That seems very different from telling people you want a car and you want help paying for it."

That depends how one uses it. If it was used much like a wedding registry, as a guidline for a specific event, then it would be identical to a gift registry.

I may not be understanding you here, but what kind of specific events in a person's life cause a registry to be created? All I can think of are bridal/baby showers, and weddings. Even something like graduation, imo, doesn't warrant a "registry" or gift guidelines, because it alludes to the expectation of gifts. That's fine for a shower, but self serving otherwise.

"With something like this, there's no way for its existence to be made available unless the person setting up starts that process. How do you start the process without begging for cash?"

That's no different from a gift registry. How would anyone know where you registered if you didn't tell them? As long as you tell them only when it's appropriate, again, it's no different from a gift registry.

This is for clarification, not going in circles. But, again, I think gift registries are for gift-giving events. So when you say it's no different than a gift registry, I don't know what you're referring to. I'm not aware of registries created for any purpose other than the ones I mentioned above. And this means I don't see the question "where are you registered" occurring to begin with.

My bathroom needs remodeling. Does this mean I should have a bathroom registry (Buy me a faucet!) in stead of, oh say, setting up a savings account and having money automatically deducted from the checking account? Because with the savings account, I'm getting paid (interest), and with the registry, someone else is getting paid (fees).

Yes, do that. And when you're done remodeling, you should have a "Bathroom warming party". All the guests can bring you fancy soaps and fluffy towels and scented candles and high-end lotions and and and.... the possibilities are endless.

Agreed, but that's when they get married, not randomly when they redo their bathroom as in Magicdomino's joke example.

But you're right, I had some towels and some beautiful laundry hampers on my wedding registry, if I recall correctly! And one friend who didn't buy from the registry gave me something awesome. It was a cake (well, not a real cake, a cake-shaped object) crafted out of towels and heart-shaped soaps! So cute! I kept it for years before I finally disassembled it to start using the ingredients!

Or that some people don't use wedding rgistries even when they aren't getting married?

For your first question, they could, but I doubt it's common. Personally, I would still find it highly distasteful, even if done for a wedding. If one decides to use a registry, there should be many options on it, not just one option: cash toward my next car. It's just....off. I don't like it.

I'm not understanding your 2nd question. Do you mean that someone uses a wedding registry for a different event, and is completely upfront that they are not in fact getting married? If so, I would not call that a wedding registry, and I would not buy them a gift unless there was some event that I was going to give them a gift anyway. If you mean they are letting people think they are getting married when they are really not just to get gifts....well obviously that is despicable and inexcusably rude, but I'm not sure how that relates to this thread at all?

Just because people use a format the store provides and calls a wedding registry does not automatically mean those people are getting married. I would venture to guess some people have used a wedding registry because there was no birthday registry or graduation registry or i want stuff registry. And the point would be that a "wedding registry" provided at Bed, Bath and Beyond could be used just as randomly as a Ford registry.

Just because people use a format the store provides and calls a wedding registry does not automatically mean those people are getting married. I would venture to guess some people have used a wedding registry because there was no birthday registry or graduation registry or i want stuff registry. And the point would be that a "wedding registry" provided at Bed, Bath and Beyond could be used just as randomly as a Ford registry.

I'm still not understanding what this has to do with the topic at hand.

"If people are using this car registry instead of a traditional registry but still tied to their actual event such as a wedding, well, I can see your point even if I don't fully agree with it. But I highly doubt that that's the case. It sounds more like "I want a car, and I don't want to buy it myself, so I'm going to make this registry"."

Whether you doubt the intentions of the typical person using this registry or not doesn't change the etiquette of the matter. If it's used rudely, it's rude, and if not, then it's not, so it's not the mere existence of the registry that's rude.

"For your first question, they could, but I doubt it's common. Personally, I would still find it highly distasteful, even if done for a wedding. If one decides to use a registry, there should be many options on it, not just one option: cash toward my next car. It's just....off. I don't like it."

I'm not familiar with any such rule of registries, myself. If you don't like it, then you don't contribute to it, but that doesn't make the registry itself rude as long as it's not used rudely.