5. George Osborne takes over Tory Party using Russian kompromat. Gets old job back, installs Cable as puppet PM.

4. Corbyn wins snap election by landslide, but Queen calls on Cable to form government after Lib Dems secretly share Russian kompromat on Harry.

3. Lib Dems adopt new policies – millions of new council houses, pay rises, no tuition fees, wealth tax for NHS – and win landslide. Immediately form austerity coalition with Tories with Cable as PM and Osborne as Chancellor.

2. Fearful of Corbyn youth vote, Tories use ‘Henry VIII’ powers to raise voting age to 70. Cable romps to victory on ‘free stairlifts and no swearing on Beeb’ pledge.

1. The Rapture arrives. Only other politicians left behind in dystopian hellscape are Blair, Mandelson, May, Johnson and Clegg. Cable fights dirty and wins.