The newest Arrows!

Trust me, this was the best picture. They ranged from the kids’ tongues all the way out, to them both bent in half, mimicking swim strokes. I don’t know why my children in particular, are so maniacal when being photoed, but I had to settle for this one – cute of Emilia and an appearance of only half sedation from Gabriel.

I’ve sat through 4 practices thus far, from the window overlooking the pool, with a sense of both awe, “holy crap they can swim for a solid hour, and I would promptly drown attempting to swim 4 laps!!” to looming dread about how I am going to make and eat dinner for the next 7 months when we have 6-7 pm swimming practice two nights a week. Up until now, it has not worked out. The track record has been, take out, nuggets, cereal, spaghettios . . . half of which required the adults in the house to have “real food” after the kids were in bed …

27 Responses

I know the common theme of your posts is that you love to feel sorry for yourself because of your busy, over-taxing life. Now imagine what it would be like to completely devote yourself to your kids and their activities plus having a full-time job, a commute and all the extra craziness that goes along with it.

Stay-at-home moms’ “stress” simply cannot compare to that experienced by working moms. I guarantee that if you spent a month as a full-time working mom, you’d crack under the pressure – seeing as how you sound like you’re thinking you’re about to crack now.

We all do all the same things you do, in addition to our responsibilities as professionals.

Sunshine – I’m surprised at both your sense from this post that I feel sorry for myself, and by the fact that you think I haven’t made a choice with privileges and consequences just as much as “all of you working moms” have. I’ve never tried to compare myself with those also earning a full paycheck, and the lack of financial stress and juggling that must provide, (forget about Disney every year; I’m talking about, ‘hey that birthday party came in between paychecks so our present is a movie date with the birthday boy next week’ kind of stress) compared with what I manage, yet twice in the recent past, a reader has felt the need to attack my “sweet and cushy gig.” We all make our choices, and happiness is realizing that yours comes with those advantages you’ve prioritized the highest, and then some pretty real disadvantages.

I don’t believe I would crack. But then again, I know I wouldn’t be happy either.

What makes you think that just because I work, it means I don’t have financial stress? Or that my children are not my highest priority? That, in itself, suggests to me short-sightedness and an unrealistic view of the world.

I don’t work full time because it’s a “choice”. I do it because it’s what my husband and I have deemed necessary for our children to have the advantages that we want to give them. Work or not, my children are always my first priority, and it is incredibly insulting for you to suggest that the fact that I have a job means that they are not.

I am just as much of a mommy as you are. In fact, I am making tons of sacrifices so that my kids can have a great life. Our children don’t go to Disney every year (or ever). We make choices based on financial constraints just like everyone else. Do I work, in part, so that we can live in one of the best area school districts? Yes. Do I work so that my children can participate in extracurricular activities, should they choose to do so? Yes. Would I like to have more time at home to spend hanging out with them? Yes, yes and unequivocally, YES. But I think that the choices I am making by bringing home a paycheck are going to enable them to do a lot of things and have experiences that they wouldn’t otherwise. I don’t feel sorry for that.

I do, however, think it’s obnoxious when stay-at-home mommies are online, on Facebook or wherever complaining about their financial stress when they could get a job and then be able to make some more choices.

If you don’t have money to treat your family to luxuries, that is your choice. I don’t think that gives you the right to be some kind of mommy-martyr. If you don’t feel sorry for yourself, why is every blog post a complaint about not having enough time, not having enough money, etc?

Seems to me that for someone who is so happy with her life choices, you do an awful lot of complaining. You get to be a stay-at-home mom. Enjoy it. You’ve got it good. You have no idea what it’s like to be on the other side unless you’ve done it. But don’t assume that I am not as much mommy as you are because of it. That’s horrid.

Wow- all I can say is that somehow little Miss “sunshine” woke up on the wrong side of the bed. This blog, in my understanding, is a way for mothers to HELP eachother and SUPPORT eachother. I did not see any ‘feeling sorry’ in that blog, simply a busy mom trying to figure out the schedule of her little ones. My thoughts are that Sunshine feels guilty that she works and doesn’t spend the time she would like with her children and is taking it out on you. I liked your response, we all make choices. Sunshine- you can choose to work and then have more ‘time related stress’ and Kristie may not work and have more ‘financial stress’ or guilt that she can not let her kids participate in all the thing that other families with more money could. Either way.. lets let this be a place where we support and encourage eachother. Maybe Sunshine forgot the lesson she SHOULD have been teaching her children, that if you do not have something nice to say, do not say anything at all.. or maybe her nanny taught that lesson…

I just reread, and nothing I said even implies you don’t prioritize your children – honestly, come off it.
I also looked back over several of the past posts, and I think I’m happy as a clam. There’s no way the busyness of 4 young kids (yup, my choice, and all planned) isn’t going to be a theme in MY BLOG, which you choose to read, for some reason that I cannot comprehend, but busy doesn’t equal unhappiness, a belief that my life is unfair or even that I would change it if I could.

Except for it being a mess all the time. I’d definitely change that. 😉

Also, for those of you whose opinion does mean a lot to me, I want to say that one of my very best friends works full time away from her house, (because my sahm friends still work full time!) her children are in child care and we both look at one another and say, “I don’t know how you do it!” We understand that we both have tons going on and that we wouldn’t thrive, and likely our families wouldn’t thrive if we swapped “employment choices,” haha.
Katie is right, it really should be about supporting one another.
Which, by the way, is the theme of my new personal blog, Elastagirl!
Check it out, http://www.elastagirl.com

All I can say is that if Sunshines second comment had been there when I posted mine.. I would not have been so nice. Everything is a choice including the decision to get on this blog and put down another person. Maybe you need to clean out your facebook friends or stop reading blogs if all you see is “stay-at-home mommies” complaining. Do you even know how much money a “SAHM” would NEED to make in order to even make the choice to work?? Given this economy, I think it is absurb that you even think a sahm would just have to pick up and go get themselves a job to stop complaining about money. Also- that takes away my first point, that everything, including your decision to work is a choice. Personally, I can’t imagine giving up my job full time for reasons other than financial.. yet I’m sure my complaining would never be limited to finance, or not seeing my kids enough, or not spending enough QT with the hubby. A downside to social networking may be that people “vent too much” but here, as I mentioned before, is a blog specifically dealing with the hectic life of being a mom. Not only did I not see ‘complaining’ in the blog, but I typically read an attitude of loving life despite obstacles and one of reaching out to other mommies for guidance and advice. If you do not want to be a part of that culture- then log off your computer and pick up something else to read. Or maybe you just want someone to validate your choices. Here- have some validation.. good for you for working and struggling as a mom. I’m sorry you have to spend more time away from your kids then you like as you are providing for their futures. But it DOES NOT give you the right to be mean spirited or to put down other mothers choices. If anyone is the “mommy Martyr” it seems to be you.. get off yourself and realize that life is difficult for everyone. The only person I saw judging is YOU when you decided to say that SAHM stress “simply can’t compare.” We aren’t comparing here- we are supporting- so quit your *&tching.

I’ve been on both sides of the working mom/stay-home mom coin, and there’s no comparison. I think it’s great that you’re setting the example for your kids that you are contributing to the world in a way other than just by being their mom. The fact that you work so hard to manage your time and handle the juggle tells me that you prioritize your kids more than anything, because you’re giving up your sanity to create a great life for them.

No worries, you’re doing great. The home-bound mommies have a limited perspective; it’s easy to fall into that trap when you spend 24 hours a day being Mommy. Go easy on the Mommies – maybe one day they’ll get it, too.

But no worries. You’re doing great. I get it. So does every other mom who juggles just like we do.

It seems to me that there is a perception, most likely held by a certain commenter, that making the choice to work full-time should alleviate one of all financial stress and when that doesn’t happen, bitterness ensues.

Sunshine says she doesn’t “work full time because it’s a “choice” which led me to believe that a mortgage/rent payment wouldn’t be made if she didn’t work when, in fact, it sounds like she does choose to work in order to pay for activities, house in better school district, etc. Last time I checked, those are all choices, not necessities.

I stay at home now and gave up a fabulous career track and large salary to do it. However, fabulous career track meant commute and 60+ hour weeks and my husband does the same. We wanted to be parents to our children and for us, that wouldn’t happen if both of us had those schedules. Of course, others would disagree with me and that’s okay. It’s hard either way, believe me.

Why does Sunshine need a Brava!? She attacked me! I said I would need to break out the crock pot more often, and then got my head bit off by her! And, whoa. If you come up with a way to condescend to we small-minded mommies any more in the future, please share. But use small words, as we may not get it.

wow.. sunshine might want to change that to “rainy day” what is the saying “walk a mile in my shoes.” or “the grass is always greener” oh or this one” Me thinks thou doth protest to much”
I salute Kristie for her decision.. I also get a hoot out of reading her blogs.. to know her is to LOVE her.. It is great to hear about her many creative ways to save money , economize and provide fun,inexpensive and exciting activities for her kids. Things both the working and stay at home mom’s can benefit from… She takes time from her very hectic schedule to share these on her blog.Even more important is that we all need a forum to vent our day to day frustrations.. and what better place than this .. where other mom’s can read it and realize they are all in this together.Not to start the war of the working vs stay at home that whole argument is getting a bit tiresome.. time to move on.. choices it is about respecting each others choices..and feeling secure enough in your own to share the day to day stresses with out being criticized….that is what women are striving for.. and trust me “sunshine” you do not want me to start on working mothers..cause sister I have walked the walk on both sides. and believe me no body has it easy… just saying…

“I think it’s great that you’re setting the example for your kids that you are contributing to the world in a way other than just by being their mom.”

That’s right – when push comes to shove it’s most important for your kids to see how you can juggle them while working.

This is all about feeling guilty. If you didn’t feel guilty you’d shrug it off instead of demeaning stay at home moms. Very transparent.

I too worked full time and traveled for my job while raising 2 toddlers – so I know and understand the frustration of a working mom who’s feeling bad about her choices. I lived it – and I was very bitter about it and slung mud at the SAHM. No worries, Sunshine. I get you. You too, Caroline.

Sunshine-
You choose to work in order to give your kids the “advantages” you deem important… all of which are monetary-home in a good school district, ability to provide for extracurricular activities, etc. Stay at home mothers are doing the SAME THING, but differently… They are staying at home to provide different “advantages” for their children, none of which are monetary-more time with their children, the stability of knowing a parent will be home when they need them, etc.

How did a post on swimming lessons and using a crock pot more turn into the whole working mom vs. SAHM thing?!
We all make the choices that are best for our families. What works for one family may not work for another. If you feel the need to lash out at someone, it just shows that YOU are not happy with the choices YOU have made.

I am very surprised by Caroline’s comment. How demeaning to us stay-at-home-moms! Just because you were a sahm doesn’t mean you have realized how extremely important it CAN be. “Can” being the key word. You can stay home and long to be a “working” professional, or you can stay home and love it! You can use it to greatly impact your children, and not just your children, but the future… Your comment, Caroline, shows how “limited” your perspective is.

A couple of your comments are very telling in how you view the job of pure motherhood: “The home-bound mommies have a limited perspective” and “I think it’s great that you’re setting the example for your kids that you are contributing to the world in a way other than just by being their mom.”
“Just” being their mom? Really? Is that all motherhood is to some people now? Is motherhood a way to advance your child? Is motherhood a way to just help them grow a little until they can take care of themselves? Is motherhood just a temporary daycare until full daycare is acceptable so that the “professional” can get back to work and do some REAL work, work that REALLY contributes? My answer is a resounding NO. I think that we have a different goal in mind for rearing our children. It’s not just a job, but it is a full time job. And it’s the most important one there is… for a mother, that is. If you don’t have children, you’re off the hook. But if you do, you and your significant other have the responsibility of teaching them character, discipline, love, and many other things. Unfortunately, shipping them off to daycare doesn’t cover all that. (I am also not talking to the mothers who TRULY have no choice… as in, you can’t eat if you don’t work… or you have a husband who refuses to let you be home… in that case, I empathize with you.) Even if kids are in school, a parent has a tremendous responsibility to be there when there’s no school. What do kids do when their parents are absent? There’s a lot of damage to be done without one parent being there… and it’s your choice to take that risk. Yes, they can get those advantages; yes, maybe they’ll be able to take care of themselves. But will they contribute to this world—in a good, NO, great way? Will they have a character that stands out and withstands the trends and hype of this world? Will they truly love others, their future spouse, or children… or will they just live for themselves? Will they be truly at peace with themselves, with God? Will they be satisfied with their life? It seems that you are, but I wonder how you can be when you believe that being absent from your children and giving them “opportunities” is better than showing love by just being with them and showing your love … not by gifts or advancement, but by being “just” a mom to them? Using your own time to teach them, to show them what unconditional love means, to prepare their hearts for life.
Let me also share this.
My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her. -George Washington

Also, if you care to, there are tons of historical biographies about influential stay-at-home mothers. One that I often think of is Jonathan Edwards’ wife, Sarah. She had 11 children and was extremely influential in their lives. Historically, her 1400 descendants were as follows: There were 13 college presidents, 65 professors, 100 lawyers, 30 judges, 66 physicians, and 80 holders of public office including three senators, three governors, and a vice president of the United States. If you chose to read about her, you’ll find that her job was no small task… and certainly more influential than I’m sure most people of our generation could imagine… And you can imagine her children did not have the best school districts and most opportunities… they MADE their opportunities because their parents taught them character and hard work.
-If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters very much.” — Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis
• “I looked on child rearing not only as a work of love and duty but as a profession that was fully as interesting and challenging as any honorable profession in the world and one that demanded the best I could bring to it.” — Rose Kennedy

My trick is that every time I cook something, I make at least three times as much as we’ll eat. The rest gets frozen. Then I pull it out when I’m sick; when there’s no time to cook; when I frankly feel like cooking is torture…
Though a crock pot is also a good idea. And what’s wrong with feeding them sandwiches?

The bottom line is that we all have different values and a different
world view. What some of us deem important is not the same as what
others deem important.

1. Sunshine and Caroline: High fives to you. You deserve them. You
work hard, and I bet you play hard, too. Ease up on the stay-at-homes,
though. They don’t understand. And, they don’t understand what they
don’t understand… understand? Your kids will reap the benefits of
your hard work in many, many ways. Every day, they are learning
self-sufficiency, self-confidence and how to deal with others… all
awesome skills. They see you as role models for everything women can
accomplish and then some. Holla! You’re awesome, and you should know
it.

2. Kristie: I don’t see the blog as complaining at all. Rather, I
think you’re self-congratulating, which is fine. Like, hey, looky
here… I’m awesome because I can take my kids to a 6-7 activity and
still figure out how to make dinner. So, kudos for that. I’ve observed
you several times in public with your kids and I will say that they
seem like decent, well-behaved children… but, you were definitely a
bit hoity-toity about your priorities and suggested that your
priorities are somehow better than others’ because you stay home.
That’s not true, and it’s not right to say. I mean, I recall that one
of your kids drew all over the baby’s face. Also, I know you once
posted that in the summer you don’t bathe your kids… you put them to
bed with Popsicle-stickiness, playground dirt and chlorine because
it’s the summer. Awesome parenting. Seriously, though, it’s not right
to judge someone else’s priorities when clearly your method isn’t
foolproof. None of us is a fabulous parent all the time. Accept that
about yourself and others.

3. AlbanyMom: To say that anyone “ships” her kids off to daycare and
that daycare is damaging to kids is just plain rude and obnoxious. You
ought to check your sources; numerous studies have shown that kids who
are alumni of good daycare programs fare just as well if not better
than kids raised by stay-at-home parents. That’s fact, and I am happy
to back it up if you would like.

4. Everyone else: Sunshine and Caroline were caustic in their views,
but not one of you was any better. So, they work to afford homes in
better school districts. You’re going to fault them for making
education a priority? Hmm. Interesting. Kristie, I know that your
street is in the Albany City school district; why are you
home-schooling your child? Is it because of the city schools? People
can get good educations from city schools, but the rankings and home
values exist for a reason. Kids will have a greater breadth of
opportunity in the higher-ranked districts. So, if someone wants to
have a dual-earner household so that she can afford Bethlehem or
Niskayuna, I say that’s not a terrible priority to have. As well, the
extra income may be the difference between a child’s having the
opportunity to take piano lessons, or ballet or swimming, or whatever.
I can’t see that prioritizing being at home going to Mommy & Me rather
than experiencing different things like that is going to create as
well-rounded or creative a child. But that is my opinion, and
certainly you all are welcome to have your own.

The point is that a working mom loves her kids just as much if not
more than all the rest of you. And, two wrongs don’t make a right. You
may not have liked the tone of some comments, but the responses were
hardly oozing empathy, either. I think you ALL have a few lessons to
learn about tolerance and kindness. Are the working moms bitter?
Perhaps. But maybe they have a right to be. They do everything a stay
at home mom does and then some. They have to deal with all the
child-rearing stressors that the stay-at-home mommies face, in
additional to their professional obligations and stresses. The
stay-at-homes bear the brunt of being PTA moms and organizing play
dates. We all have our lives. We will never see to eye to eye, but we
should all see our own shortcomings.

WOW!!! I just wanted to comment on how cute the kids looked in their suits and maybe discuss some options for dinners and then I start to read other comments and I feel as though I am lost and confused.

I will not comment on any of the other mess that this turned into other than to say that I work full time right now but, I worked out of my home when my children were little so I could be there. So, I have been on both sides.

Kristie – I have a daughter who dances Competitively and we are from school straight to the studio until at least 7pm(sometimes 8:30pm) at least 3 days a week. What I do is I leave my Sunday afternoons completely open as much as possible and I cook meals for the week. Plus – what we have for Sunday dinner is also revisited once during the week – make a pot of Spaghetti sauce – we are having lasagna or ziti during the week – WOO HOO! LOL! For my daughter I put them in individual meal containers so she can heat them up at the studio. Go to the Library and find some cookbooks – they can give you some great ideas as well.

Good luck with your little fish – enjoy them – they grow up way too soon.

well as always the gloves come off and the claws come out. How sad. When everyone should just be doing their own thing , minding their business and trying to be the best at what they are doing.. No one walks the same path and none of us are perfect .. but lets just for sanity sake start supporting one another , accepting one another and the world would be a little better place … cause there are no right or wrong way to do this thing called life.. it is just gotta work for you and yours…now my question would be what was “sunshine ” reading and following Kristie’s blog so closely , and the other scary stalker type out there both whom seemed so defensive.I mean if I read something I disagree with I usually put it aside and move on. I find offense in many many articles and opinions.. but how to get dinner on the table while juggleing sports schedules hardly strikes me as a

got cut off …. hardly strikes me as a reason to jump on the old band wagon.. I re read her blog .. I do believe there is some serious reading between the lines going on here .. or maybe it could be feeling not so great about your own situation.. any way it goes down.. try to lighten up life will go a bit smoother ….

So just an observation… I’m having trouble with some of the logic here. So you wake up, get ready, get your children ready, bring them to whatever destination of your choice, leave them at said destination, drive to work, get yourself settled in on a Monday morning, maybe do a little work or whatever, and then decide (on company time I presume) that the best way to start your week is to see how the other half lives and write a condescending comment on that blog. I just don’t see the motivation in this. Is it like a car accident? You know you shouldn’t look, but you do anyway and it haunts you for the rest of the week, or longer. Maybe you’ll even let that simmer and bring some of the left over aggravation home for the kids before you pick them up, bring them to whatever activities, and then tuck them in bed. The really odd part is you’ll wake up the next day and do the same thing again believing its for the greater good of the family/children. How do you wrap your head around that one? The only way I’m able to do it, is knowing that I have a wonderful family centered wife that tries to pick up all the pieces while I’m off at work being fulfilled at my job. Thanks Baby!!!

Let me end with this: many (if not most) families aren’t in a position to even consider a choice. I hope you find some peace from knowing that you are doing the best you can – that deserves a real Brava and Bravo!!!

Wow. First, I probably haven’t even read half of the comments because I can’t figure out the new commenting structure, but I read enough to know that we, as women (it appears most of the commenters are women), are doing exactly what our stereotype is – being catty and rude. For the life of me, I can’t understand the attacks going on. So what if some moms stay home and other moms work? We all have our own challenges and our own reasons for doing things. Being at home all day with multiple children certainly can’t be easy, nor is working all day and managing family life. Really, why can’t we just support one another? And remember the old adage – “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all.” What example are we setting for our own children if our interactions with others is filled with hateful and rude remarks? For the record, I am a working mom – my comments here go towards both sides.
And really, back to the point, congratualtions on your little swimmers. And let me know if you have any great crockpot recipes! I need to redevelop my relationship with mine too!

Kathleen and Kelly – thank you for the dinner ideas!!! I forget my kids do LOVE breakfast for dinner and that things like sauces and soups would stay from Sunday and be a great second round on a Tuesday or Wednesday. . .

A response to “S”. You wrote: “To say that anyone “ships” her kids off to daycare and that daycare is damaging to kids is just plain rude and obnoxious. You ought to check your sources; numerous studies have shown that kids who are alumni of good daycare programs fare just as well if not better than kids raised by stay-at-home parents. That’s fact, and I am happy to back it up if you would like.”

Perhaps I shouldn’t have made such a generalization. I guess what I meant to get across was that- if there’s ANY way possible for one parent to be home with a child- I don’t see how it’s better for a child to be in daycare. What is that saying about a parent if a child is better off with others rather than that parent? Then why bother having a child if others are going to raise him? You can site some statistics if you feel it would prove your point, but I’m really talking about the concept here. I’m not talking about parents who- even if they stay home- are in it half-way. I’m talking about give-it-all-you’ve got type of parenting. What does that tell my child if I choose to give her “stuff” over my own time and attention? (And I’m NOT talking about those parents who HAVE to work… I’m talking about those who choose to work to give better opportunities… I’m coming from the viewpoint that says that giving of ME – my time, my constant example, etc. – is the ultimate of opportunities.) In my view, I’m not concerned about how accomplished, popular, culturally accepted my child is, I want to impart value to them. The best way I can do that is by showing them that they are worth my time… as much time as I can give. And that is more important than the best this or the best that.

Kudos to you if you’re a single mom and you work for your family… or if for some dire circumstance you need to work to live. But for the sake of providing mostly superficial opportunities INSTEAD of having mom or dad at home? Ask any 4 yr. old… would she rather have mommy home with her or live in a big house and have mommy work (what does that say about teaching kids to be materialistic)? Would she rather have mommy leave every day so she can do this activity or that activity (or fill in the blank)… and if it’s all about activities, what does that say about the priority of performance and achievement to a child? Achievement is great but it shouldn’t be prioritized above the value of giving time to your children. I believe… if the parent is giving their whole heart to parenting… a child would usually choose to be with their parent.

Pull out the statistics, but show me a mother or father who makes it work and takes care of their own child- all the time. It seems a logical thing to think that taking care of your own child should be the best thing for your child (if possible financially, of course). Yet you are arguing that parents are NOT as good for their children as strangers are for them. It just doesn’t add up. Yeah…um… let’s all just tell our children to suck it up. Get used to it, kid, you’re better off in daycare. Statistics say so, right?

Albany Mom- you are kind of a jerk and I hope that you are not teaching that to your children you spend all day with. Giving our children a better chance that we had is not a frivilous act. The high school I went to is a scary place now. You are probably more likely to get robbed or shot to whatever than to graduate. I made a decision to move to a better school district so my son has a good, non-threatening, education. That is important – I work to pay for this house – not for trips to disney. My son knows he is loved and cherished by us and is our #1 priority. I have a f/t job but a lower paying one so I can be closer to him and “only” work 40 hours a week- he is 5 minutes from my office so he isn’t there a single minute more than absolutely necessary- I can pop in sometimes for a kiss or to drop off a treat for the class or even to read them a book. It is appalling to me you would be so rude to working moms simply because they made a different choice – it is a hard hard choice and I hate leaving him every day- but I know that FOR US and FOR HIM it is the best choice. it is not YOUR choice and that is fine- but do not dare to say that my son will suffer in nay way because of the choice we made.

People wonder why “working moms” get defensive with SAHMs ..maybe it is because we are often judged as harshly as Albanymom is openly judging us now.