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One would think that Switzerland’s orderly and somewhat overly clean society made it easy to be A Rebel: Just do the opposite from what signs and common sense tell you to do. In reality though, the Swiss find it exceedingly hard to disobey orders, both direct and inherent ones. Not because they were a particularly bland type of sheeple, but because most of them rules seem sensible inside the bounds of social contract.

So we’re lost, our puny attempts at anarchy stop short of using the wrong fork at a gala dinner. Thank goodness I’ve had the opportunity to observe a selection of touristes étrangers while staying at hotels up in the Alps. As a service to my readers, I’ll share what I learned re: proper misdemeanor.

Driving on the right is for wimps. Make sure to steer your Humvee clear of any street guides and use the middle of the road only, especially if it’s one of them curvy, narrow mountain pass roads leading to the resort.

Assume everybody on hotel grounds not only understands but also speaks your particularly weird Flander dialect. Get riled up at noticing this ain’t so.

Variant: Assume no-one in Switzerland speaks English, French, or Italian, and crack rassist jokes at the top of your voice.

It might be a pool shared by all lodgers, but you’re in love! So boink your significant other as much as your loins permit.

Bonus points if you use the kids’ inflatable banana float while doing so.

A propos pool area: If there’s a single shower next to the pool – to cool off prior to jumping in – and more showers in the changing rooms settle for the former to do your weekly body scrub. Take your time.

I hope this short list will become helpful once you decide life’s too old and boring. Kant’s a cunt anyway, so forget about the Golden Rule and just be yourself. Everybody else will look up to you as a prime example of human egotism self-expression. And what’s a bit of love juice between friends?