Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Dear Church Chicks

Here is a letter I just sent out in today's mail. Enjoy.

Dear Sister John and Sister Lelepali,

Thank you very much for taking the time to stop by my house the other day and visit with me. I am sorry that my telephone conversation did not permit me to give you my full attention. I am very interested in religious matters. In fact, I have spent long hours in front of the mirror soul-searching and contemplating the nature of God and the role she/he has given me along with the gift of life.

I have put together some questions that I hope you will be kind enough to answer. I realize that you are more knowledgeable on these matters of spirituality and than me and I am open to your wisdom and advice. Please email me at krankiboy@yahoo.com at your earliest convenience. I am anxious to hear your thoughts on these religious matters.

Thank you. I hope they pay you really well at the church. I think you’re doing a really good job.

My Questions:

1) Does God have a beard or not? I’ve seen pictures of him with and without. Which one is right?

2) Is God mad at me for something I said or did?

3) Did God write the bible all by himself? Has he written any other good books?

4) When you gals aren't out spreading the word of God, do you ever like to party down? Even the most steadfast vessel of the Lord needs to recharge their batteries.

5) Do you know that God exists? How? What's his favorite color? Will I meet him when I die?

6) If God hates the gays then how come he lets all those alter boys get molested by the priests?

7) If you accidentally kill somebody during rough sex can you still get into heaven? Just curious.

8) If Jesus comes back, would it be okay if he crashed at your place?

9) Would it be weird if he walked in on you while you were taking a shower?

10) Would you lock the bathroom door or would you trust him and leave it open?

I would be excited if Jesus came back because he seems like he was a really nice person.

My friend Matty B asked me to see if you know the answers to these questions. They are not listed in the bible or the encyclopedia. He’s Australian so that’s why some of the questions may seem strange. I don’t think he knows a lot about Religion, but he asked me nicely to help him and I think it’s important to enlighten even those that live in dark and Godless corners of the globe.

Here are his questions.

A) What sort of plane did Pontius Pilate fly? I told him I didn’t think that there were any planes or even cars or fire back then, but he wanted to find out from a really religious person who knows for sure.

B) If alcohol is evil, why did Jesus turn the water into Wine? And what happened at that party anyway?

C) And why was getting Stoned considered a punishment back then? Nowadays we PAY for the privilege!

Thanks again for taking the time to help me learn more about the word of God and please tell me more about your church.

I love it when I hear a complaint on how/why President Bush won the election. Face it, you can't blame it on anyone but your fellow Americans. The majority voice was heard and a President was elected. I love it when liberals complain of intolerance when in fact they are as guilty as the conservatives. You also show your blatant ignorance by assuming these two "churchies" are republican. I highly doubt they discussed their political views with you. I see at least you were a gentleman to them in person which at least you can be credited for that. However, your post shows your true intent/nature and you could have the decency to remove the names or at least the phone number of these two young ladies off of the posted picture. Obviously you were stoned/drunk when you came up with those questions but I suppose your post was aimed at trying to get a chuckle out of your "heathen" friends. Your attempt at humor and wit must only be appreciated by such.

Well, I teach elementary school. I give the kids the power to question things rather than just accept things as they are. They're VERY impressionable and we're going to form a pro-carb anti-religion army, I have them sharpening deadly weapons and mixing sinister poison at this very moment. Sleep tight.

Oh and Nads, the Heathen Bake sale is February 6th, the day after we bathe in the blood of those holy virgin triplets that we nabbed from that church picnic. Whose turn is it to do the stabbing, I can't keep track? Also I'm making you a lovely bracelet from their pearly white teeth.

Maybe if you hadn't acted like you were interested they wouldn't have felt the need to leave a note on the door. I made the same mistake with some Jehova Witnesses a couple weeks ago and now I find their pamphlets on my doorstep all the time.

I tried to read your post out to my brother, but I kept choking up with laughter. When I got to the bit about Pontius Pilate, I had to lie down on the floor and cry a little.

Also - it is ok for me to laugh because I believe in God and sometimes even go to church. So in laughing at Christians I am actually just laughing at myself in a self-deprecating, 'oh, *you*' kind of a way. Guilt-free fun!

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About Me

I can catch flies with my bare hands.
I like Mint Chip ice cream.
I was expelled from Nursery School.
I like people that like me.
If we were in prison together I would be the guy to talk to about procuring things.
My favorite words are cumshaw, fustigate and girth.