John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

We were never close, like a mother and daughter should be. (Published 4/2/2013)

Q:

My mother died two years ago. I discovered her body, but I didn't cry until about a week later when it really hit me. We were never close, like a mother and daughter should be, but I did love her. I miss her more and more everyday and the hurt never seems to ease. Why?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Megan,

Thanks for your note and question.

The most common reaction to the death of someone important to us—even if you weren’t very close—is numbness. That explains to some degree, why you didn’t cry until a week later. That's very normal, in fact it happens a huge percentage of the time, regardless of the relationship with the person who died.

As to missing her more and more and the hurt seeming to linger: The best way to explain this is with this statement: “Unresolved grief is cumulative and cumulatively negative, and since time can’t heal an emotional wound, it requires actions to help you move beyond the pain.”

A part of the unresolved grief for you is contained in your comment, “We were never close like a mother and daughter should be…” The fact that you feel that way describes something that was missing between you and you mother. Her death robbed you [and her] of the possibility of ever becoming closer and getting the warm and fuzzy feelings that were missing for you.

We suggest you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it outlines, you will start to feel more emotionally complete with your mother, and with that should come a reduction in the pain, and missing her will become more occasional and related to holidays, birthdays, and other events that she would have been at.