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A Casually Dismissive History of Handheld Game Consoles

Many
people have hands. Some of them use these hands to pick up and
manipulate objects. The word “handheld” is used to describe feats such
as these.

But take a moment to imagine a world where nothing ever
became “handheld”. Couch Potatoes: Imagine that your television remote
was as large as a coffee table! Retail Cashiers: There are no portable
price scanners; enjoy typing the barcodes of all oversize items by
hand! Bestiality Aficionados: Good luck grasping your favorite horse’s
genitals! But thankfully the nightmare of “no handhelds” never came to
pass.

We live a life of handhelds, and video game systems are no
exception. What follows is a guide to all your favorite portable game
consoles past and present. If you have any complaints, don’t forget you
aren’t paying for any of this.

GAMEBOY

History

Released
in 1989, the Nintendo Game Boy was the first handheld game console that
wasn’t a complete piece of crap. It didn’t cost too much, it looked
cool (1989 cool that is), and it had the name Nintendo attached to it.

But
the best feature of the Game Boy had to be that when children were
grounded from playing video games, they could hide the system so their
parents wouldn’t be able to take it away. It could also be played under
the covers at night, and although the bleeps and blips which emanated
from its tiny speaker would do little to drown out the screams of
emotionally abusive parents, headphones could be purchased separately.

It
was also the precursor to the Game Boy COLOR, which (according to
Wikipedia) was featured in the film The Truth about Jane. The story
behind this film is certainly a mystery for the ages.

Significant Games

1. Mario Land (Series): Just
like Mario for the home consoles. Well, except without the catchy
soundtrack, colorful graphics, familiar characters, or ability to see
what's happening on-screen.

2. Eighteen Trillion Movie-Based Games: The
Game Boy was the first handheld console to capitalize on the tendency
of consumers to immediately purchase any item which bears the name of a
popular film regardless of its quality.

3. Games Whose Titles Sound Like Pornographic Films:

Barbie:
Game Girl

Booby Boys

Head On

Hammerin' Harry

In Your Face

Jeopardy Teen Edition

Lucky Luke

Metaljack

Nail 'n' Scale

Spanky's Quest

Super Chinese Land

Worst Accessory

Game Boy Camera/Printer: Friend, you haven't lived until you've taken grainy 12X10 pixel
black and white photographs of small household objects and then print
them out onto tiny rolls of cash register tape.

Final Rating: 122/536

GAME GEAR

History

The
Sega Game gear (released in 1991) was the next big contender in the
handheld gaming arena. As with all Sega game systems it was originally
to be named after a planet (mercury). But this was soon changed to Game
Gear, as it was thought that the name Mercury was far too neat-sounding
and would likely cause people to actually become interested in the
system.

The console launched with a few titles, most notably
G-Loc (a top-down shooter where in which you may or may not play as
up-and-coming Filipino rapper Gloc-9), and Columns, which was a lot
like Tetris except that it was not fun.

Processor

Fun Fact: The Game Gear's Zilog Z80 CPU was named after its
creator, famed goblin chip designer Zilog Zok

Screen

Actually
managed to somehow be more blurry in motion than Game Boy. Playing
sonic boiled down to watching blue smudge traveling quickly across
larger green smudge.

Power Consumption

Required 12 D batteries; had battery life of approximately 18 seconds
(27 seconds if screen was turned off)

Region-Free Games

This
allowed elitist gamers to play untranslated Japanese dating games
featuring nonconsensual sex with blue-haired cat children &
dwarf-baking sims.

Significant Games

None

Worst Accessory

Game Gear Tuner: Bored
gamers desperately searching for something to do with their Game Gears
may have wanted to purchase the TV Tuner attachment.

This
accessory allowed people who almost surely already had a number of
large-screen televisions in their homes to watch TV on a fuzzy 3-inch
screen with poor reception and muffled sound instead.

Final Rating: 14/83.444444

NEO
GEO POCKET COLOR

History

The Neo Geo Pocket Color was released in 1999 to much
fanfare. Of
course by “much fanfare” I mean that 12 or 13 customers went to stores
around the country and bought it intentionally, while a few others
mistakenly received it as a gift from an elderly relative even though
they had asked for a Game Boy Color instead.

The Neo Geo Pocket Color
was remarkable though, if only because somebody at that company had
fooled themselves into
thinking that a mediocre handheld console could compete with the Game
Boy in the US. To that person I say: Nice one.

Wikipedian
Delusions

There
was nothing remarkable about this system’s specifications, so I've
decided to call this section “Wikipedia Delusions” in honor of the
inexplicably rabid Neo Geo Pocket Color apologists who edit the
console's
Wikpedia page. Here is what they had to say:

“The system
enjoyed a
greater success than any Game Boy competitor since Sega's Game Gear.”

What
an astounding feat! The Neo Geo Pocket Color certainly must be a marvel
of modern gaming ingenuity to beat out hugely successful Game Boy
competitors like the Wonderswan Color and the Tapwave Zodiac! Oh and
let’s not forget the gaming monster that was the N-Gage. I stand in awe
of
this system’s ability to be the least unsuccessful of many failed
systems.

“The decision to
ship
American games in cardboard boxes
in a cost cutting move; rather than the hard plastic cases that
Japanese and European releases were shipped in, may have also hurt the
American sales.”

So people were so horrified when they found out
that Neo Geo Pocket Color games weren’t going to include a hard plastic
case that they simply refused to buy Neo Geo games or the system?
Riiiiggght. Wait, what’s that you say? The only people who would care
about such a trivial matter are clinically depressed
obsessive-compulsive video game collectors? Sir; that is an
offensive
statement! I hereby challenge you to a game of SNK vs Capcom - Card
Fighters' Clash! Huh, you’ve never heard of it?! Man,
what a loser.

Significant Games

Uhhh,
lots of fighting games I guess. What can I say, believe it or not,
people actually used to play them. (Apologies in advance if I’ve
offended either of the people who still play
fighting games.)

Worst Accessory

I
would say the console itself was its own worst accessory. Either that,
or the people who claim this was the best handheld console
because it had Samurai Showdown. Get over it gramps.

Final Rating: 0.5/100

WONDERSWAN COLOR

History

Wonderswan?
That’s what you named your console?! Seriously?! What the hell did you
idiots think was going to happen?! Most people who play games are
already embarrassed about their hobby; naming your consoles as if they
were a straight-to-video animated children's film isn't helping matters.

But seeing this is the type of name you're going for, I'd like to take
some
time out to make some suggestions of what you might name your next
console:

Cutie Pie Fairy Princess Plus

Kissin' Grandma On The Porch Swing

I Love Unicorns!

Hey, did any of you guys see m--*PUNCHED*

Precious Pink Baby Love

Love Note From Mommy In My Lunch

Color Graphics

Awesome right? Hey wait, where are you going? I
wasn't done telling you about how great it was that the Wonderswan had
color graphics! Oh well, your loss.

Compatible with Original Wonderswan Games

Low Price

Originally, the system only cost 6800 yen. I think that’s about 3
dollars.

Let's See...What Else…

Uh, it had two D-Pads. I suppose that's better than a
single D-Pad. Perhaps the
next wonderswan will have 4 D-Pads. One can only dream.

Significant Games

The
only reason this console sold even a single unit was because, in Japan,
they got
the rights to publish remakes of the NES Final Fantasy
games. Is this a reason a buy an ugly, redundant console
with a ridiculous name?

Obviously not, but many Japanese people seem
content to play slightly different versions of the exact same thing for
their entire lives, and a lot of American nerds love to pretend they're
Japanese, so there's your explanation.

Worst Accessory

Wonderswan Link Cable:
You need to find somebody else with a Wonderswan
to use this thing. Good luck with that. I'd suggest trying a child
pornography convention.

Final Rating: Six Ampersand
Dollar Sign

NOKIA N-GAGE

History

Since everyone who cares already knows how much of a disaster this thing was, I think I'm just gonna go ahead and make most of this section up. Any objections? Didn't think so.

The N-Gage was
launched in 1993. It came with 3 games: Pokemon Pummel, Rats Ahoy!, and
Chinese Person Simulator. Upon launch, the N-Gage sold out
within the
first 10 minutes. This was not due to high demand for the system, but
rather because Nokia ate a bunch of strange mushrooms they found in the
woods and were too out of it to manufacture any systems until the last
second. When asked about this, a spokesperson from Nokia was quoted as
saying “…we were at that time...set upon by an army of small balled
twine men. Wait! They’re all
around...all around...I hear horrible dark chittering and screeching
and they are
scrabbling down the walls and shingles and oh god they've come they've
come EEEEEAAAAAAa-”

Sensationalized System Specs

Besides
its sperm destroying capabilities, the N-Gage was a Series 60 Crushphone, running Mechkanista OS 666.1,
with features similar to those
of the Nokia 3650 (however,
it does not have an integrated plastic spoon shiv). It was
able to cause huge throbbing tumors to develop on
user’s optic nerve and cerebral cortex, and run Java MIDP
applications
as well.

Its main CPU contained a miniature warhead (ARM4T
architecture running at a quadrillion
MHz per sizzlebyte)
which would explode if the
user tapped a series of 3 commonly-used buttons in any order or
attempted to make any type of phone call.

Significant Games

Fart Noise

Crappiest Accessory

Slightly Louder Fart Noise

Final Rating: Fourteen
Panthers out of Twenty-Eight Panthers

Tapwave Zodiac

History

The
Tapwave Zodiac (born Marc Berkowitz November 11, 1951 in Indianapolis,
Indiana) is an American television personality, popular game show host,
producer, and a two-time talk show host, perhaps best known for hosting
the children's game show Double Dare
on Nickelodeon. He's currently
well-known as the host of Unwrapped
on The Food Network.

Polyphonic Alarms

No Horoscopes

According to this article I'm reading on the Tapwave
Zodiac, it didn't include a horoscope feature. Just figured you might like to know.

Significant
Games

You know how you know those PC games
a person can buy at Walmart with titles like “500
Games!” or “1000 Puzzle Games!”?
Well those are the only games you can get on the
TAPWAVE ZODIAC

The only difference is that for twenty dollars you don't get 1000, you
get one. So if you really,
really, like games with –tris, zap, and extreme in their titles, go buy
a Zodiac now. Also you should probably pick up a shawl and some canned
beet paste, because
it is likely that you are also someone’s elderly aunt.

Worst Accessory

And so, on that note I think I'll get out of here. If you’d like
to learn more about portable game consoles you can visit your local
library. Look for a book on one of the shelves. The information you need is on page 46.