Nigel Farage disowned the 2010 UKIP manifesto on the basis it was “drivel”.

It was, at least, amusing – it called for a restoration of the glamour of train travel, “proper dress” for trips to the theatre, and making the Circle Line a proper circle.

He has, naturally, been careful not to say too much about the 2015 version while at the same time giving responsibility for it to his deputy, Suzanne Evans, so if it all goes horribly wrong he can blame her.

And if you listened to them today it was all carefully-thought through and costed. It was less tax for the low paid, more help for veterans, and more doctors for the NHS.

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Well I did a bad thing and didn’t listen to them at all. I read the damned thing instead, and very instructive it was too.

So here, for the general advancement of all voters, are all the bits of the UKIP manifesto that probably AREN’T going to be on the evening news:

1. Nigel wants to rename Nigeria

Over the centuries, the place we know as Nigeria has been known as Benin, Borgu, Fulani, the Hausa kingdoms, Kwararafa, Ibibio, Nri, Nupe, Oyo, the Songhai empire and Warri. It became a British colony, then a protectorate, then Biafra and finally the Republic of Nigeria.

Like the rest of the Commonwealth, it shares some of our laws, trade and language.Nigel refers to Nigeria and the rest of the former British Empire as ‘The Anglosphere’, which is funny because I’ve always thought that was the name of any 5ft-wide area Nigel was at the centre of.

2. Nigel wants to leave the EU while keeping almost all the EU institutions

So he is happy for the EU to agree healthcare costs, to pay billions over years to send spaceships to Mars and smash particles together in CERN, tell us how to house refugees, tell us how much money to spend on Ebola, and rely on them to tell us who’s a foreign terrorist.

He just doesn’t want us to be part of their parliament so we can scrutinise them doing it.

3. Nigel says you can have your pension even if you’re not old enough

This one’s a doozy.

Pensions are the greatest spending headache of any future government – it accounts for half the welfare bill, we’ve got more pensioners than ever before who are living longer and fewer people to pay the taxes that fund them.

To cope with this demographic timebomb, which is expected to cost bazillions of pounds in a few years, Nigel wants to give pensions to all the people we can’t afford to give them too anymore.

What’s more, as they’ll be below the official state retirement age, they’re more than likely to still be in jobs.

While getting a pension we can’t afford to pay them.

4. Nigel wants to pay for a random person to look after your children

Nigel wants not only to pay for your nanny or au pair, he also wants to make it optional for them to register with Ofsted.

The registration process that is so unnecessary includes a paediatric health certificate, basic food hygiene, a check that you are medically fit to look after children and won’t have too many in your care for you to cope with, and a criminal record check to make sure you’re not a paedophile.

So, with Nigel, unfit, unsafe, unhygienic pederasts could be paid by the state to look after whichever children they can get their hands on.

5. Nigel wants people with classic cars to have free road tax

It’s not all bad news! If you own any vehicle over 25 years old there’s no annual charge. So that’s rusting Ford Mondeos, wheezy Mini Metros, clunky Vauxhall Astras and any other examples of the “enduring legacy” of our great British motor industry kept on our roads a little longer. Jeremy Clarkson will be pleased.

6. Nigel wants more speed cameras

At the moment the law allows for speed cameras only to be installed on roads where there has been a serious accident. Nigel wants them on, potentially, every residential street. Jeremy Clarkson not so chuffed now.

7. Nigel wants graduates to earn the most to get a free degree

Under the current system, people studying these subjects would be most likely to repay their student loans. Not with Nigel.

Meanwhile, under Nigel only the very rich would be able to afford to study history, economics, politics, journalism or any other subject which might give them the education and critical faculties to, er, ask Nigel what he’s playing at.

8. Nigel wants to let people smoke in pubs again

Unfortunately, he just doesn’t want them to be served beer at the same time. Or food. Or be pulled apart by bouncers if there’s a fight. Jeremy Clarkson getting a bit perturbed now.

9. Nigel wants us to be more like the USA

By pulling out of the European human rights requirements, Nigel will leave us bound legally to the United Nations declaration on human rights which, unfortunately, says pretty much the same thing as the EU.

The main difference is the UN’s based in New York rather than Brussels, and as we all know the USA’s human rights record is wonderful.

Except for the bits about race.

And the law and order stuff.

And the modern-day slavery.

And, oh yeah, migrants.

I’m sure it’ll be fine.

10. Nigel won’t care if you’re accused of rape in Sweden

While demanding the right to block foreign criminals from coming here, Nigel is fine about the idea of British suspects not having to answer for alleged crimes abroad. Or indeed, anyone who happens to be standing in Britain while they’re accused of a crime somewhere else.

If the European Arrest Warrant is thrown out Julian Assange gets to walk out of the Ecuadorian Embassy and straight onto Channel 4 news without anyone telling him he’s got questions to answer.

What could possibly go wrong?

11. UKIP wants a review to see if paedophiles are as bad as all that

Same goes for benefit cheats, City bankers fiddling their rates, people who import prostitutes, or “aggression” which I presume would cover football hooligans and domestic abuse.

Of course “sexual crime relating to minors” could mean between minors, but Nigel hasn’t been very clear if that’s the case.

Jeremy Clarkson can’t even think of a joke about this one.

12. Nigel hasn’t even read his own manifesto

13. Nigel thinks foreigners are not as human as Brits

There is no other explanation for having two policies about retaining fingerprints and DNA from people arrested but not charged with a crime, one for British people and one for foreigners, who will get treated worse.

This might be the time to point out that Britain effectively abolished the slave trade in 1772 when a court ruled that an African slave owned by a Boston gentleman should be freed on British soil.

It set a legal precedent that our laws protected all people equally regardless of where they were from.

Not sure Nigel ought to repeal that one. Otherwise his wife might be in a pickle.

14. Nigel wants the Queen to intervene over Jeremy Clarkson

A promise to debate or legislate for any issue which gets wide enough public support is bound to bite him in the bum – it did for the Coalition, which was forced to debate the Bedroom Tax.

Jeremy Clarkson would probably be a bit embarrassed about this one.

15. Schools which serve curry will be shut down

Very small mention for this policy, but it would clearly threaten any school, hospital, doctor’s surgery, the BBC, or indeed any government department that was multicultural.

David Cameron wasted £100m and a couple of years by failing to pick a jet for the carriers. Nigel wants to consider another u-turn, which makes it a w-turn which’ll cost £££ and mean there’s STILL no planes on warships designed to carry planes.

17. Nigel thinks 007 should work at the BBC

I don’t know how he arrived at this idea, but Nigel’s decided the BBC Monitoring Unit – which analyses and publicly reports on the worldwide media – is part of Britain’s intelligence community.

And to cut costs, MI6, MI5 and GCHQ should work hand-in-glove with these – ahem – journalists who, as a group, are not very good at keeping secrets.

Please picture Daniel Craig’s face when he hears this news.

And all of this stuff, it must be said, is to be funded by a withdrawal from the EU which he’d need a referendum to do at a time when polls show there isn’t enough public support for it.

“We want our country back,” said Nigel as he launched his manifesto. All right mate, you can have it. Cloud Cuckoo Land is ALL YOURS.