Friday, 19 December 2008

Whit is it wi' weemen an' canles? Ah just foun' oot that ma missus spent in excess o' 12 o' the Queen's Poonds on jist yin o' them. Whit in tha name o' Ian is that all aboot. If ah spend 2.99 on yin lang life bulb ah git a luk that wid stir porrige, an it lasts fur 12 million hurs (or the like). Naw ye maun nae git a smell aff a lite bulb, bit yil sure as naw set fire til yersel lukin' fur a beer in the fridge.

Ah was concerned aboot this strang diffrence betwixt the sexes, so a had a wee wurd wi' Dr Eileen McIlWilliamwilliamson o' the Skool o' Gender at Aughnacloy Wee Girls Study Centre. She taul me that thru her larnin' she has come tae the conklusion that its doon tae the fact that men invented elecktricity*, an' the weemen cannae cope wi that, so tha git revenge by spendin' oor hard earned poonds on meltin' wax that wud barely lite a bonefire.

Nat tae be sexist o'er the like, bit dinnae git me ontae cushuns.

Which laids me oan til a wee bit af a snap survey, ye can tak part if ye fancy a go.

Thursday, 18 December 2008

Ma thankins til aw' wha tuk part in that Christenmas quiz. It was wile heartinin' tae see that tha numer o' folk takin' part has near double' since the last yin. At this rate there cud be close tae 17 million* voters by July**.

Naw is the time til revail that the currek anser is - yis il haf tae imagine an X Facter style bild up here - ............. bubbly-jock. If ye got that, gie yersel a point. Howivir, an it may come as a bit o' a surprise to thosuns o' yis wha' thocht yis were bein' smart, if ye pit doon "Ottoman Empire" gie yersel haf a point. Unbeknownst til yersel, the ansers were made by none o'er than Dactur Billy McQuillan, Visitin' Lecturier in Linguistics at South-Aist Ards Bible an' Caterin' College. He set the quiz in a purposefully convaluted style.

Wullie explained that it is aways important in Ulster Scots tae use the auldest name ye knaw fur a country oor place, sae Ottoman Empire is the richt name fur the country o' Turkey. Fur example, if yer bukkin' a wee trip away frae Ballymena yid be better aff askin' the girl fur a tickit til Czechoslovakia or the Soviet Onion than whiteivir thur calt these days. I fur yin hiv noticed that there is nae better way tae bring a smile til a Dubliner's face than til talk til them aboot life in the Free State, so Wullie may hiv a point.

Thursday, 11 December 2008

Now yis micht hiv bin expectin' Bit Thrie aboot the first furry bastes, but there's bin a wee haul up. Professor Wiulie McIlveen (o' the dept o' Auld Larnin at the University o' mid-Antrim) has bin a wee bit slow in gettin' his new findins til us folk here at 1690. Truth be taul Willie is like a wile lock o' them archaeologits, he's guid at the diggin' but nae tae guid at the publishin', so we'll awl hiv tae wait a while til his new research comes oot.

1. Now it came til pass that a wee cuddy named Mary foun' hersel' grate wi' a bairn and she didnae know how it came aboot. She was wile wurried aboot it, fur she was a vurgin aboot tae be married til a woodwurker by the name o' Joe.

2. Lo, the Angle o' the Laird came doon and spake til Mary. "Mary", he said til her,"Dinnae be feart, fur ye are blest amongst weemen. Yer hivin a wain, but its the Laird's. Awl folk will think yer grate but yil hiv tae call him Jaysus."

1. Now Joe pit Mary on his Ass an' they went til Bethelehem, fur that was Joe's hameplace, an the Romans (who are always up tae baither) had telt iverybody that they had tae go back hame fur a census*.2. When they got thy'on, the hole place was packed wi' folk, awl waitin' fur til be counted up, so thar was wile baither findin' oanyplace til stay. Joe went til the cheenge-hoose** bit thar wisnae oany room an' he an' Mary wur gettin feart, fur she was aboot til pop. The nixt cheenge-hoose keaper also had nae room, bit he said "Ah've nae room here bit yis can sleep oot the back in the byre."3. So Mary an' Joe went til the Byre, where Mary had her bairn an' calt him Jaysus, fur that is whit the Angle o' the Larid hid taul her tae dae. She lapped him up in swaddlin' baunds, and pit him in a manger, fur there wasnae oany cot fur him.

Chaipter Thrie.1. Now it came til pass that there were a few shephirds up in the braes, lukkin oe'r their flacks by nicht. Lo, the Angle o' the Laird came doon to them too, sayin' "Dinnae be feart, fur ah bring yis grawn; tidins o' grate crack. In Bethelehem taeday is born a bairn who'll save yis awl. If ye go doon now ye micht see him".2. So, lo, the shephirds left their yowes, an' went intae Bethelehem tae see the new bairn.3. Meanwhile, in the aist, Thrie Canny Boys were lukin up at the nicht sky. "Luk", spake yin "Ah dinnae recall seein' that yin afore, ah reckon we should fally it."4. So the Thrie Canny Boys fallyed the star til it tuk them tae Bethelehem, and stapped oer the Byre. In they went, an' giv the bairn Jaysus thrie gifts, Gold, Frankinincense and Mur.5. Awl o' this came til pass because it had been writ doon in the Auld Testement.

Some o' yis have expressed curiosity as tae Nelson's Ulster roots, but a wee luk at this photae shud put ye right. His kin folk originated in Belfawst, an' were so well thought aff that they named a hall after his great-gran'faither.

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

This isnae Bit Thrie, but raither an anser til a wee query frae yin o' oor mair sharp eyed readers, or shud that be mair pernickety. She points oot that there isnae any pinguins in the Narthern Hemisphere, an that they awl live by the South Pole. This is, tae be sure, the case - but the auld smart erse didnae notice that Willie McIlveen was referin' tae pInguins, nae the Inglis wurd pEnguins. Thus he was dealin' wi the lesser well knawn member of the pinguin family - the Giant Auk - (Latin pinguinus impennis). Theseuns are kin til the ones doon in the south and, efter all, we are talkin' aboot a wile lang time thence. In fact you cud say that oor reader has helped us oot a bit, fur she's shewed us that yon Ulster Scots pinguins even colonised doon in the Antiarctic. And if she disnae believe me, she can luk it up.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Auk

In Bit Yin we hid a wee luk at the DINOSAURS!!!! the big bastes* that scoured oor wee land a lock o' million years hence. We lurned that they mebbe had a wee bit o' Ulster Scots in them but we niver found out whit happened til them. Naebodies tae sure but the palaeontologits reckon that it micht have bin a touch o' climate change that put a stap tae them. Nowadays we think o' this as been a wee bit o' warmin', which in my buk is nae bad thing, but back then it was global caulin' that was exercisin' the mines o' the DINOSAURS!!!!. It seems some kind o' cataclysmic happenin' happened that made the hole place caul, and the poor auld DINOSAURS!!!!, terrifyin' as they micht hiv bin, cudnae cope wi' it. As caul bludded bastes, they cudnae hannle the bad wither, an' when the hate went, they went with it, leavin' only a few bastes like frogs tae carry oan their genes. Palaeontolgits call this time the Big Caul Snap.

As the name Big Caul Snap suggests it got wile caul wile quick. The ice spread doon frae the nairth pole an' soon hit us here, so after a wheen o' years the hole o' Ulster was inunther the ice. Now we're not takin' a bad frost here, we're takin a guid few hunner feet o' ice, so there was nae danger o' oany normal type o' bastes gittin by in these parts. Whit ye micht hiv foun' roun' here wud a bin bastes that yid normally expek til fine aroun' the Nairth Poll taeday. Thus, if ye were tae visit County Antrim in 25,000 BC** ye micht hiv bumped intil a poler bear, a seal or a pinguin, but there'd have been nae chance o' meetin' any folk knockin' aboot.

"But whit?" sez ye, "Nae folk? This is near as bad as Bit Yin wi' the DINOSAURS!!! Whur dae ye fine Ulster Scots in the Caul Snap?". Well ye may say that, but yid be barkin' in the wrang park! Oor friend Wullie McIlveen, a properly qualified man frae Department o' Auld Larnin' at the University o' Mid Antrim, has also takin' a luksee at the Caul Snap. He raises a couple o' interestin' points.

Yin - Whur did the ice come frae? The most likely anser is frae Scotland, as it is generally cauler than here. If ye luk at the wither forecast frae time tae time yil see that the wither in the Free State is usually a wee bit warmer than here, so the caulness cudnae hae come up the ways.

Twa - Ye may recall that a wheen o' year hence the Ulster Scots actor Morgan Freeman taked o'er a wee film aboot pinguins. Naw if ye think back til that yil mind that it was called "March o' the Pinguins." It wasnae called "Feile na Pinguin" oer similar, an' fur guid reason. The bastes of the caul snap clearly came frae the marchin' tradition that is held dear in Ulster til this very day.