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Thursday, 31 August 2017

Download day. I made friends with Nina again.

Last night, I did some self-care. For the first time in years, I made a risotto. The shopping, chopping and stirring was immensely comforting. I bought some wine to put in there, and drank some too. I settled in to perform my Wednesday night ritual viewing of the Bachie and Offspring.

Offspring has gone off the boil the last 2 seasons, but I was committed so I kept on watching, despite swearing off a couple of weeks ago, to finish off the season. In for a penny, in for a pound.

Last night's episode got me in the heart. Nina has got her pregnancy glow on (I really really want to know what makeup products they use) and Asher Keddie is just immensely watchable. The Farshun was amazing also. Billie was reeling off her best lines. Billie/Kat Stewart's cheekbones are sublime.

What got me, though, was the storyline. Nina starts looking towards resigning her current position, even though she is pregnant, and deciding what she wants to do with her life, career wise. In the end, she was offered a position which would be more challenging and fulfilling for her (we won't know, as this looks like the end - I think they've wrung every last little bit out of the Proudman saga).

We women do not often dare to ask for more than we have. A lot is expected of us, but we are taught not to expect much - if we have children, or want them, then career must take a backseat. No such rules apply for men - they can have the beautiful family and the great career, and wishing for this is not frowned upon.

Most woman never consider what it is they want in their career, and even if they do, they rarely get asked. It takes a lot of courage to dare to ask for more than what you have.

This notion was nicely portrayed in last night's episode. It is an important story to tell.

The wine, the Offspring season (?series) finale, the progesterone all added to make me emotional.

I have been having the progesterone pessaries every night, and will do until my pregnancy blood test next Saturday. Happily, I have discovered a nice little night-time ritual of showering, pessary placement, then early to bed, as lying down after insertion is mandatory. Enforced lying down with a good book is good. Thanks, SSG, for the Mummy Blogger book rec!

So, today. The transfer was scheduled at the same time as my round, hence I took the day off work.

I was led into a room with a gynae chair (don't know their technical name), an ultrasound machine and a telly screen. I met with my doctor, a nurse and also to the scientist. Meeting the scientist "the cook" was nice, as they perform the magic. While I was arranging myself on the gynae chair, the cook prepped the embryo in the back room, show the name sticker on the telly screen, then showed me the embryo. Then they sucked it up into a long catheter and handed it to the doc, who placed it in the appropriate spot. I re-robed, collected my medical certificate and bade the team farewell.

I went down to see the nurse to obtain further instructions. I asked for the medical certificate. I went back upstairs and asked for it again. The clerk asked the doc, who replied that I already had it.

It is probably a good idea that I took the day off work.

I tottered off down Smith street to procure some food. There is a French Bakery called Gontran Cherrier which I enjoy, and I went in there for some fancy tea and some high-end carbohydrates. I went for both a sweet and a savoury pastry.

I then wandered some more. During those wanderings, my mood swung from glowing and happy to tears stinging the back of my eyes over the course of minutes. Bonds were having a 40% off sale, so I went in there. I succumbed to some floral printed tracky daks and workout tights. Normally I would not buy such things, I attribute these purchases to my state of mind.

I dropped by InspirAsia, a store which stocks brands like Elk and Maiocchi. I dropped some cash on a leather jacket that I had my eye on for a while. Again an emotional (but not irrational) purchase.

I've taken it fairly quietly for the rest of the day. Reviewing some articles, answering some emails.

Now, to the waiting. The 9th of September seems far away.

I have been thinking about the nature of hope. Hope is all about imagining the future with the desired outcome. It seems like hoping hard is associated with a bigger fall if the desired outcome does not come to pass. What is the correct amount of hope?

I will ponder this among the work and the other nice relaxing things I have planned.

I'm sorry that various sources have tried to police your feelings. It's a stressful and uncertain time and you always have the right to feel how you feel. Being "positive" or "happy" all the time is unnatural IMO.