For as long as there have been bench coaches and bullpen coaches, Man has sought to ascertain what, exactly, they do. We may never know the answer to that question, but we do know who will be filling those roles for the Houston Astros next year: former big leaguers Eduardo Perez and Dennis Martinez.

Perez used to be the Marlins’ hitting coach. El Presidente was most recently a coach in the Cardinals’ system. Both of them continue a trend of coaches coming from the ranks of players whose primes occurred in my actual adult life as opposed to some distant, hazy past, thereby making me feel really old.

I have long aspired to become a bullpen coach. It always seems that they practically answer a telephone and read from a clipboard as they watch guys get warm.

I wanna be either a bullpen coach or a high school/college librarian. I mean, really? What do they do? They always have ample students doing all the dirty work. I’m literally typing this in a college library eyeballing the librarian and thinking to myself, “How can I possibly snatch that woman’s job?”