Category Archives: Anxiety and Old Age

**Please note that most of these tips are written for humorous purposes and shouldn’t be taken seriously. To be honest, I’m being overly dramatic and having a mammogram is not all that bad.

One legit tip I can give you is if you are worried about pain, take some tylenol before your appointment.

Also, for some reason they want you to avoid using deodorant or any powder products under your arms on the day of your appointment.

My 3rd tip is to try and schedule your appt for a time where you know your breasts will not be tender due to your cycle. This will most likely cut down on your uncomfortableness with the mammogram process.

My last legit time would be to not wear a bra or wear a soft sports bra to your appt. Your breasts will be a little sore afterwards and an underwire bra could make things a bit more uncomfortable.

Ok, on to my ridiculous tips. 😛

Guys, I’m getting old.

Specifically I’m around the age that a yearly mammogram is recommended. After thinking I felt something a few weeks ago (doctor didn’t feel anything on the follow up exam) I decided to schedule a mammogram just in case because I’m about to be 40 in a few months and at least once in my life I want to be on time or early for something.

My mammogram was today and I lived through it. As nervous as I was about it, I decided to make a guide to getting through it.

1. Don’t worry about the pain and discomfort. Honestly on a scale of 1 to getting hit in the face with a brick, it’s really not that bad. You’ll be fine.

2. You’ll be shocked and amazed at the way your breast can contort into about 50 different shapes during your mammogram. Those cirque du origami boobs are yours and you should be quite proud of their feats of stretch and foldiness.

3. It’s a good idea to take with you a small spatula because inevitably one of your boobs will become adhered to the imaging surface (especially if you have it done on one of the hottest days of the year like I did, where even in the air conditioning you can feel the heat). And no matter how hard you try, you will not be able to get it elegantly lifted off the tiny table with just your hands.

The imaging tech tugged so hard, my left boob almost flew up off the imaging surface and hit me in the face. Next time I’m putting a small spatula in my purse. Just in case.

4. Have an uncomfortable anecdote ready to share with the imaging tech as payback for squishing your boobs flat as pancakes. I decided to go with the story of how Chad’s great grandma was treated for breast cancer in the 1920’s with acid.

It definitely got the desired result and made me feel like we were now even.

And to add insult to injury I was doing something you are taught in childhood to do several times a day to stay healthy.

I was brushing my teeth.

Yeah.

Let me repeat that.

I threw up because I was BRUSHING. MY. TEETH.

Now to ensure my breath is fresh, I brush over my tongue. I’ve down this for years. But today for some reason when I brushed my tongue my body decided it wanted to be reminded of what I had for breakfast.

In reverse.

Now I can probably pin-point the reason why this happened if I think back to how heavy-handed I can be with brushing my teeth. I once went to the dentist for a toothache and was told that it was gum inflammation caused by flossing my teeth too hard. He literally ordered me to STOP FLOSSING MY TEETH FOR A FEW DAYS.

True story! I mean WHO DOES THAT?

Me, apparently. 😛

So if you are keeping track, so far in the last 9 months the following things I used to partake in to keep myself healthy, I am now hesitant to ever do again in life:

1. Take generic fish oil gel capsules that are the same size as the woman’s multivitamin I used to consume.

2. The aforementioned woman’s multi-vitamin whose size had been labeled a “horse” pill. Why we are comparing vitamin size to a pill a horse takes is beyond me. I am not a horse so I shouldn’t have to digest something that is normally shoved up a horse’s nether regions. (I’m sure it’s probably taken orally, but surely sometimes this happens? Yes? Moving on…..)

3. Brushing my teeth. Now I appreciate and love the feelings of slick, clean teeth on my tongue as much as the next guy, but when you see your breakfast in reverse after such an activity, you begin to think that maybe it’s not that big of a deal if your teeth get fuzzy and your breath becomes so foul that it could bring dragons back to life.

I’ve always wanted a dragon.

And to be honest it would be quite useful at this point in my life. 😛

So apparently what we have learned from all this is that growing older has some unintended consequences that I’m glad I didn’t know beforehand.

I just hope the next time I brush my hair, it doesn’t fall out.

Fingers crossed.

It is a scientific fact that I’ve never once barfed after eating licorice. This is not my fault. It’s science.

Last night my husband and I went to our favorite greasy-spoon to celebrate his birthday. Yes, I realize I talked about going out to dinner earlier this week, but in our house, we celebrate a person’s birthday all month with different surprises and gatherings. So last night we stopped in at Denny’s.

Midway through our meal, I saw her. An older woman in her 80’s with expertly styled white hair and a smiling twinkle in her eye. She reminded me of Trixie from The Honeymooners. I had seen her before. Twice. She is always with a handsome man, who reminds me of my late uncle Paul.

Let me rewind and tell you the story from the beginning. About 6 years ago, I was visiting my now husband when we stopped in at Denny’s (Hey, it’s cheap and has decent food depending on your order, don’t judge 😉 ). We were seated at a booth facing the restaurant when we saw them. An older couple consisting of a handsome gentleman that looked like my uncle Paul, and a woman that could have been a dead ringer for an older Audrey Meadows from Honeymooners fame. What struck us about them is that they were behaving like they were on their first date; cuddling in the booth, giggling and absolutely glowing! I whispered to Chad, “look honey, it’s us in 50 years!” We waved them over and remarked that we hoped we were that happy after 50 years of marriage. Then they said, “Oh, we aren’t married. We are on our first date!” Instantly, their charm factor shot through the roof. In that moment, Chad and I decided this couple was who we wanted to emulate. To still act like newlyweds after being together for many years.

So fast forward to last night. As we were about to leave, I turned around and there she was. Same hair, same twinkle. And he wasn’t far behind. I had Chad turn around and look. He called them both over to our table. We talked for several minutes about what we had been up to since the last time we saw them. I talked to the woman and honestly I couldn’t stop staring at her. I couldn’t help but notice a few things; 1. She had neon pink glittery clips in her hair. I love anything bright and glittery. 2. Her nails were pink and green like a watermelon. When I go to parties where watermelon is served, there’s little to no chance that others will be able to eat it–because as soon as it’s set in front of me, it’s gone. Yes, I’m obsessed with watermelon. 3. The last thing I noticed was her sweatshirt. It was a plain grey sweatshirt, emblazoned with a white kitten with blue eyes. I swear it was like I had fallen down the same rabbit hole as Alice from Alice in Wonderland.

Ladies and gentlemen, I was looking at myself from the future!! Not only from her appearance, but she even shared with me that she struggles with anxiety. It was a surreal experience.

All too soon it was over. As we climbed out of the rabbit hole and made our way home, we talked about how similar the couple was from us. It was like God was showing us the future and it sparkled.

I still didn’t figure out if the Cubs will make it to a World Series by the time I’m 80, but hey, a girl can dream 😉

Search

About Me

A housewife and full time cat wrangler of 2 (of the domesticated kind, wild cats would increase my anxiety--although that could create good content for the blog--) who tries to find humor in any and all situations while living life with anxiety
For more fun content including original stories, follow me on Steemit.com at https://steemit.com/@lulabelle