Penske to use RFRA to win Indy

Following a narrow defeat in the 2014 Indy 500, Team Penske today announced that it will use Indiana’s newly-passed Religious Freedom Restoration Act to ensure victory in the 2015 race.

“The current Indy 500 rules violate our religious beliefs,” said Team Penske spokesracer Kay Minsecond, “but up until now, we’ve never had any legal grounds on which to file an objection.”

Asked what rules Team Penske planned to object to on religious grounds, Minsecond said, “We feel the 2,200 cc limit violates our faith-based belief that there ain’t no replacement for displacement. Oh, and we also hold a deep religious conviction that none of our competitors should be able to race with wheels on their cars.”

The team plans to fit their cars with 6-liter triple-supercharged V12 engines producing approximately 3,000 horsepower, with Minsecond explaining, “That is what the Lord commanded us, and only us, to do.”

Minsecond says they also believe it is God’s intention that Andretti Motorsports should be locked out of their garages starting 48 hours before the race, and that they intend to carry out the Lord’s work by blocking all of the doors with large construction equipment. Asked why God might concern himself with such matters, Minsecond shrugged her shoulders and said, “The Lord works in mysterious ways, but we have faith.”

Team Penske’s legal expert Lee Galeckspurt says he believes the Religious Freedom Restoration Act will ensure victory for the team.

“Under the new law, IndyCar cannot compel us to race smaller engines, nor can they permit the other teams to install wheels and tires on their vehicles,” he explained to Autoblopnik. “To do so would place a substantial burden on our right to freely practice our religion,” which he described as “a little known branch of Protestantism.”

Republican state legislator Paul LaTition said he was pleased to see the law being put to good use.

“There’s a lot of misunderstanding and misinformation surrounding this new legislation,” he told Autoblonik. “The actions being taken by Team Penske illustrate what the law is all about: Ensuring that Big Government can’t interfere with the rights people of faith have to practice their deeply-held religious beliefs. That’s all. Well, that and keeping fags out of sports bars.”