The Becky Code: How to Deal With White Woman Violence While Amplifying Your Joy!

DEDICATION | PREFACE | INTRODUCTION

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to you, to every black, brown, Native. and Indigenous woman alive, and to those who came before you. Women of color have endured some of the most horrific, tragic, and despicable acts of violence committed against them for centuries, and still you keep resisting and rising. White women try to suffocate you, but they don’t know how resilient your roots are. They don’t know how glorious you are. They don’t know that you are the heir of greatness! They don’t know the power of your melanin magic!

Black, brown, Native, and Indigenous women have been resisting oppression and persisting long before white women hopped on the bandwagon. We are the original leaders of the women’s movement. It’s time to take your rightful place. It’s time for you to take back your power. It’s time for you to lead again. I wrote this book for YOU, my Sister. This is your guide. This is your little black book for winning the battle of Becky. This one is for you. Now go forth, and activate your magic, and amplify your joy! Be unwavering. Be unapologetic. Be unstoppable! You’ve got this. I’ve got you. We’ve got each other and we WILL win!

PREFACE

As soon as you open your eyes each morning, it begins. It is a fierce game of mental gymnastics that you engage in to prepare yourself for navigating a hostile world. Perhaps you dread another day of walking on eggshells, tiptoeing through social land mines, and holding your breath while trying to survive, all while proving your worth. Every damn day you must go to greater lengths than white women to be seen, heard, valued, and believed. Why? Because you exquisitely and phenomenally exist in your beautiful black or brown skin.

It’s rare that a day goes by in which you are not required to modify your behavior, minimize your presence, and/or make sacrificial accommodations in order to keep white folks emotionally comfortable. You’ve had to learn how to shift, shuffle, and stay silent as a means of long-term survival. In all your gloriousness, your greatness will always be questioned in a society that prefers and caters to whiteness. And there’s a particular kind of Whiteness that causes serious harm to your mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being: the whiteness you’ll experience from every white woman. And this white woman’s name is Becky.

Beckys will claim they are your sisters in the fight for equality, while championing their causes with their feet on your back. And when you complain about the pain they cause you, they’ll deny they’re standing on you. They’ll tell you to stop complaining, and to stop creating your own problems. I know you’ve been dealing with Becky’s wrath for a long time, and it’s exhausting. I know that white women silence, violate, and oppress you in many ways, and it’s taking a toll on you. I know that these episodes with Becky can cause you to feel paralyzed, angry, sad, and confused. Sister, I also know that Becky gets on your last damn nerve!

And when you allow Becky and her Beckery to zap the life from you and exhaust you, she vaporizes your precious life source. She fractures the essence of your gloriousness! She steals your joy, and Sister, you can’t thrive without joy. I wrote this book because black, brown, Native, and Indigenous women like you have been suffering from White Woman Violence since forever. And often times, we’ve been suffering in silence. Many women of color know this violence is happening to them, but they don’t know what to call it, how to address it, and/or how to prevent it from overwhelming them. Is it happening to you? Are you being violated and exhausted by the Beckery? I wrote this book for you, Sister.

The Becky Code shares a message I’ve been carrying with me for a lifetime. This is a long overdue message that clearly identifies what White Woman Violence is and how Becky harms you with her Weapons of Whiteness. You don’t have to try to decipher this Beckery on your own. I have decoded Becky, her motives, and her tactics, and I offer you Weapons for Winning to use when Becky comes at you with her violence. Nah! I need you to refuse to let Becky win! I know you’re sick and tired of dealing with Becky and her Beckery! She isn’t going anywhere, so you must learn how to DEFY her Beckyism.

The Becky Code meticulously deconstructs Becky to reveal the Weapons of Whiteness she uses to silence, marginalize, harm, and oppress Women of Color. Becky is exhausting. Don’t waste your magic on her! You’re not MAGIC for nothing!

Yes, Girlfriend, when Becky comes to Deny, Defend, Derail, and Destroy, you can whip out the Four D’s for Defying the Beckery to defy her Beckery. You can use these Weapons for Winning to deflect her destruction, protect your power, and amplify your JOY! The Becky Code teaches you how to defy her deadly weapons, resist her wrath, and activate your magic to not only survive, but to thrive, and to experience deep, rich, and abundant joy!

“In a world that directly and indirectly tells Women of Color they are not worthy, qualified, invited, beautiful, or valued, we must deny EVERY restriction, affliction, prediction, and depiction that causes us to stay captive, be unhealed, doubt our destiny, and fail to embrace our beauty.” – Catrice M. Jackson

​​

“The BECKY Code is dedicated to every living black, brown, Native and Indigenous woman and those who are resting in power, yet leading us towards liberation.” – Catrice M. Jackson

​​

INTRODUCTION

Who is Becky?

Have you ever met a white woman who didn’t emotionally exhaust you and literally suck the life out of you? What about a white woman who did not silence, violate, or oppress you? How about a white woman who did not center herself, her feelings, and her issues in a conversation? And finally, have you ever engaged with a white woman that did not become defensive, emotionally fragile, and/or jump into fight-or-flight mode when discussing racism? If you’re like most women of color, the answer is no. Why do white women show up this way when engaging with black, brown, Native, and Indigenous women? Were they taught these behaviors, and by whom? Is there a secret script for white women that you don’t know about? What the hell is going on with white women?

White women are psychologically violent and exhausting! They will literally vaporize your emotional energy if you do not protect it. This is Becky and her Beckyism. Beckyism is the violent and oppressive way in which white women who are not doing any personal anti-racism work will engage with women of color. As a result of white supremacy and white privilege, white women believe they can say and do anything they want when engaging with black, brown, Native, and Indigenous women without suffering any consequences.

Beckyism is dismissive, accusatory, and oppressive, and Becky works to violate, silence, and marginalize women of color. This is what white women do to black, brown, Native, and Indigenous women all the time. This is what Becky does. The emotionally abusive behaviors I describe above are toxic to your well-being, and they are what I call Beckery!

Beckery is the oblivious, obnoxious, and oppressive way in which white women view the world through their white supremacist lenses that leads to invalidating, insulting, and assaulting people (especially women) of color with violent Weapons of Whiteness. Beckery is intentional, insidious, and invasive. Some Beckys know exactly what they’re doing, while others act out of willful ignorance on the daily. Both ways of showing up invade your space, peace, and joy. Beckery aims to do one of four things to people of color and their lived racial experiences: Deny, Defend, Derail, and Destroy.

Sister-friend… Sister-friend…

Phew!

Becky…Becky…BECKY!

I know you know Becky, and if you don’, maybe the following descriptions will sound familiar to you. Have you ever engaged with any of these Beckys?

Super Becky: A savior-complex Becky who is notorious for jumping into conversations about racism to Save-A-Black or Brown woman without their consent.

Begging Becky: A performative Becky who is always sniffing around, panting for pats on the back, and begging for Ally Cookies (accolades and praise).

Talk-Too-Damn-Much Becky: A talkative, centering Becky who adds no value, validity, or validation in race talks.

Know-It-All Becky: A condescending, apathetic Becky who intellectualizes racism by using a cognitive approach to understanding and discussing racism.

Love-and-Light Becky: An oblivious Becky who selfishly uses a sprinkling of love, light, and woo-woo talk to avoid facing her racism and to minimize your oppression.

Whining-Ass Becky: The most fragile Becky of all. She’s perpetually hurt about anything and everything related to racism. She’s a master at crying a river of White Tears.

Ole-Thieving-Ass Becky: A Becky who rapes and robs the culture of black and brown people to create an identity so she can feel alive inside.

Get-On-Your-Nerves Becky: A Becky who just gets on your nerves. She’s a combination of Talk-Too-Damn-Much Becky and Know-It-All Becky, and she will exhaust the hell out of you.

Coworker Becky: A Becky who smiles in your face and tries to sabotage your success at work.

BWAM (But What About Me?) Becky: A Becky whose favorite Weapon of Whiteness is Centering. She becomes fragile and defensive when she’s not getting all of the attention.

I told you that you know Becky! What you’ve read is just a glimpse of the Beckery in Becky’s weaponry that I call White Woman Violence. She is armed and dangerous with deceptive and harmful behaviors known as Weapons of Whiteness.

The Becky Code is your guide for dealing with White Woman Violence. I describe these Weapons of Whiteness in detail and provide tangible and nourishing strategies to defy the Beckery and to preserve your precious emotional energy, and I also offer tips on how to amplify your joy. In this book, you’ll learn why and how white women use Weapons of Whiteness against you by first examining the legacy of White Woman Violence and its toxicity. You’ll then gain greater insight into Becky’s Beckery and the emotional violence she inflicts upon you, and you’ll finally be able to name her violence and call it out for what it is.

I’ve spent a lot of years analyzing Becky, trying to figure out why she interacts with women of color the way she does, and I have cracked the Becky code for you. Becky’s mindset is meticulously broken down so you can understand the Beckyology of white women and why they’re violent toward you. It’s essential that you understand her motives, intentions, and behaviors because she is trying to sink you into a very dark place that I refer to as the Sunken Place. And I know you’ve been there before. When Becky comes for you, it can literally suck the life out of you and create a tremendous amount of anger, sadness, and pain.

Becky is trying to steal your life source. She’s trying to steal your joy. I refuse to let white women win this way, which is one reason I wrote this book. Sister-friend, you do not have to put up with Becky’s White Woman Violence.

You, my Sister, are magical!

You are glorious and magnificent.

You exist as greatness already, and you are here to fulfill your destiny!

You have a special purpose for living, and if you let Becky suck the life out of you, not only does she win yet again, you lose the light and fire within.

I know you’re tired of dealing with Becky, but get ready to revitalize your life with the codes for defying Becky and her Beckery.

The best way to defy Becky is to know her, and The Becky Code gives you the insights you need to deal with her violence while amplifying your joy!