I think Humpy nick-named Josh Vanek back in the early middle ‘90’s when we were handing off (via dat tape and handshake) our song for the “landlocked” comp he was releasing. I hadn’t met the dude prior to that exchange, and as a result/but of course he made a great first impression on me, and over the 20+ years that I’ve known him I’ve had several adventures (insert parantheseid “mis” in front if you would like) that I will treasure. And now we hear the screech of the brakes as I stop. Because I am not going to wax reminiscient. Do you want me to keep going? If you truly do want that, then you should really stop wanting that.

Anyway…

I really liked what Kate wrote about Humpy because it made me feel old, which is, I think, what 48 ought to feel like. Not my fault/not a bad thing, right? Sure, unless you’re talking about punk rock. I am of the mindset that all rock-not just punk, but punk in particular-is made for young people. Once your band has reached a certain “age” and you have been become irrelevant, it is appropriate for younger bands and younger crowds to run you over. Don’t wait for them to dispose of your body, save them the work and respectfully crawl to the ditch yourselves. And don’t expect that they will cannibalize you, because your flesh doesn’t taste good anymore, although if (some) do enjoy the taste, they should start eating you before you are completely dead. Respect? Seriously? Get out of the way, now THAT is respect.

As far as Humpy and Sasshole, and not practicing what I preach? Yeah, I need to be better, I’ve never been good at that. Speaking personally, I wish I would have played better re: Sasshole’s totalfest set. And for Humpy I’m glad that Denis (original bass player) got to play and didn’t have a heart attack. Again.

It was the last Total Fest, I guess? I’m bad at goodbyes and endings in general, so here I will just continue to pretend like it is not over. Total Fest never fails to bring together amazingly smart, witty people being their awesomest. It is, per usual, impossible to capture all of the wonder, but here are 14 moments of brilliance from Total Fest XIV.

A fine group of compatriots donned sarongs, leis and fake tattoos for a Total pre-party near the ZACC. Nobody wanted to talk to us. It was perfect.

Hi, we’re here for the Jimmy Buffet concert?

The esteemed Doug and Kia had the foresight to bring along a Winnebago, dubbed Total Fest 1, and managed to parallel park it in front of the Badlander. Goddamn American heroes, right there.

The smoke made it too gross to go floating, so some supremely intelligent local wit (ahem) proposed taking Shellshag and Dead Bars out to Fred’s, where we had a fine afternoon of wholesome entertainment. (note: that link is not necessarily safe for work, depending on how uptight your work is)

Heavy metal parking lot! Wherein I realized just how truly excellent it is to park on the top level of Central Park with a cooler of brewskis. I did manage to miss several bands this way, though, and my car has a distinctly, um, “herbal” scent that I cannot get rid of. Oh well. I did take note of Jonny Fritz’ #metal back patches, though.

Speaking of Shellshag, who goddamn rule, a couple of local broads volunteered themselves as go-go dancers and proceeded to booty pop behind Jen’s drum kit. At one point, one of these slightly unsober go-go dancers fell into a hole in the floor, and was rescued by Shell. Undeterred, the dancing continued. (Why does the Palace have holes in the floor? I do not know.)

So the Palace sets were on schedule and the VFW was running late on Friday (astonishing, I know) and I was terrified that I’d miss Divers. But I got to see Dead Bars rip it up, and then I full-on sprinted the four blocks to the VFW to catch most of Divers set. I am not a natural sprinter. It was worth it.

yeahhhh Divers

#circlepit at Total Combined Weight. thanks for the free T-shirt, guys. I will treasure it.

And after Divers, I returned to the Badlander, where the #circlepit got #erotic for the stoney vibes of Big Business.

Burns St Bistro’s “Big Business” special sandwich had like pork and aioli and figs on it. Lunch tequila optional.

Humpy provided the perfect blast of hardcore down in the Palace on Saturday.

Totally dug Kia’s red tights/cowboy boots/jorts combo while Sasshole played. Giant privilege to get to see Sasshole. Those ladies are an inspiration.

That Thai beef salad that Lou brought to the barbecue on Friday. Best. Salad. Ever.

Shout out to that dude outside the Badlander who was wearing a horse mask and playing guitar backwards. Really added to the atmosphere.

Also a shout-out to my friend who cleaned up the puke in my sink. We know not who puked in the sink, nor do we care. It got cleaned up! Thanks a million.

Ideal way to recover from Total Fest on Saturday Sunday, time has no meaning for me anymore: Bistro brunch, Return of the Jedi on VHS, long shower and rejuvenating clay facial mask, barbecue and retrieval of various lost items at Grant’s house, and “Sherlock Holmes” reruns on PBS.

As we prepare for the final Total Fest, remember that the only thing more important than starting the #circlepit is seeing and being seen in cute outfits. Dressing for Total Fest has its challenges, but here are the top trends for Total XIV:

Jorts ($0-$7 at Goodwill):

Grab a pair of old jeans, hack at them with blunt scissors, and voila! Bonus points if you cut them so short the pockets hang out; that’s a look we call the “Alex Key.”

Cut-up tees ($0-$15).

Oops your shirt exploded! Remember that T-shirts with necks and sleeves are sooooo lame. Just flex your neck muscles real good and break free! (You might recall that I have strong feelings on T-shirts. Since I wrote that piece, I’ve successfully cut up a few T-shirts into something I actually like to wear. I think the key is that the T-shirt fabric needs to be the pre-treated soft kind, so it drapes like a jersey fabric.)

Helmet and kneepads ($15-$30 at a sporting goods store, maybe?):

Circle pits are fun, but do pose the threat of getting clocked in the head or shoved against a monitor. You never know when some wasted dude the size of a linebacker is going to hurl himself at you, so might as well dress like it’s a football game. (Also, have you LISTENED to Cult Leader yet? Holy SHITBALLS. Let’s get that pit STARTED.)

Which brings me to:

Elbows. (Free! Unless you were born without ’em, or something.)

Sharpen your elbows real good so if some jackass “accidentally” gropes your butt, you can wing him right in the kidneys, “accidentally.” (Note: the Total Fest crowd is usually full of rad people who are not the types to sexually harass others, in my experience, but some bad apples always manage to squeeze their way in briefly before getting tossed out. So.)

Also, condoms ($1/free at Planned Parenthood booths, etc).

heh

Festivals can get pretty crazy, so fellas, better slap a condom on right now just to be careful. Wear it all day. Chafing builds character. Shut up.

Sunscreen ($10-$15, go spring for the good stuff):

Don’t forget that all the outdoorsy activities related to Total Fest, such as floats on the Blackfoot and waking up in someone’s yard at 10 AM, call for proper protection of the skin you’re in!

Earplugs:

dude, this is an amazing idea

I am Uncool about this particular subject. Tinnitus sucks. Being hard of hearing *for the rest of your life* sucks. Earplugs are cheap and extremely portable. I buy a big jar of them from Walgreens that lasts me for months.

Skull mask and flame-shooting guitar ($???):

Dressing as the Doof Warrior is 100 percent guaranteed to get you laid.

AGH TOTAL FEST IS ENDING. I am a well of emotions about this (although my liver is relieved). This is our last chance to dance, so let’s not waste it, shall we? Here are some hot picks for bands you should see at this year’s festival, as curated by someone who knows jack shit about music and yet has managed to run a music blog for three-plus years now.

Divers: Lost my mind when this Portland anthemic rock outfit played the VFW to a few dozen people. Let me lose my mind again.

Side note: I have probably looked at that album cover a dozen times without realizing that there’s a penis in it.

Dead Bars: This band features members of Big Eyes and Stab Me Kill Me and has gotten some props from fancy big-city music blogs. More to the point, they’re a gruff, melodic punk band, and for twenty minutes, I will watch them and pretend I am at Fest in Gainesville. ❤

Kitten Forever: These snazzy, sassy, pop-rock-y gals were a pleasure to watch last year and I’m stoked that they’re back this year. I have a crush on all things Minnesotan.

Mr. Dad: I distinctly recall watching these NoDaks play a matinee show in a garage on the Northside a few years back, and the lead singer had a cast on his foot but still writhed around and freaked out and was generally entertaining as hell to watch. Let’s do it again! Hopefully with fewer broken limbs.

Naomi Punk: Ooh, I’ve been wanting to see these guys forever. This clangy Olympia rock outfit is too cool to use Bandcamp so here they are on YouTube.

Humpy: Old-school Missoula trashy-ass hardcore, played by dudes who used to be low-lifes in the ’90s but are now pillars of the town’s arts and music community. This is either hopeful or really depressing, depending on how you wanna look at it.

found on sasshole.net/

Sasshole: From the same era as Humpy, with hard-partying gals playing fierce tunes. This is the band that famously threw a 25-pound bag of kitty litter on the floor of Jay’s Upstairs, damaging it so much it had to be redone and they played a bunch of free shows to make up for it. Sample lyric: “We’re gonna fuck shit up, we’re Sasshole. We’re gonna kick your ass, you asshole!”

Black Cobra: Gotta have at least one doomyblack metal whatever-you-goddamn-nerds-are-calling-it-these-days heavy outfit to slowly headbang to. (I almost wrote “slowly bang to” haaaaaahaaa.) This San Fran outfit should fit the bill. And their hair is fantastic. JUST LOOK AT IT.

Special bonus round: the esteemed gentlemen of Total Combined Weight, who are no slouches in the hair department, either. Rumor has it that they’re catering the VFW before their show to get people to come. I am 100 percent in favor of spreading this rumor.