How Well-Meaning People Unintentionally Hurt Those Who Grieve

I didn’t want to write this post. I didn’t want anyone to look at things they had said or done in the past and wonder, “Have I hurt someone who was grieving?” But, this is an important post. I get emails every week from people who want to help their grieving friends and family. Many of them are afraid of saying or doing something wrong.

It’s not that grieving people are a crazy lot who hold grudges the rest of their lives based on what you do or don’t do, but there are typically two kinds of people who unintentionally hurt grieving people – the thoughtless and the over-thinkers. Neither one of these groups are trying to hurt others, but if I can shine just a bit of light into the world of grief to help these two groups see their way, that is what I will try to do with this post.

1. Not being there – You may think grieving people don’t notice who writes, who comes to the funeral, who calls, who helps out, but they do. With stark clarity. You may feel completely inadequate to truly “be there”, but not being there at all is not the answer. If you can come to the funeral, come. If you can come to the house, come. Set aside your fears of inadequacy and just do something. I know it’s hard. I’ve been on both sides of this. It is never an easy thing, but it is a necessary thing.

2. Saying “it was for the best”, “she’s in a better place”, or any variation thereof – That hurts. If you think about for just a bit, you will hopefully hear how those words could hurt a grieving person. I am without my daughter, and even though I know God’s perfect will is perfect, I don’t want to be told right now that my child being anywhere else is better for her. Now is not the time.

And never, ever tell me that had she grown up, she might have turned away from the Lord and brought us all sorts of sadness. And never, ever tell me I’m young enough to have more children. You might believe these comments help you to make sense of what feels like a senseless loss, or help me feel like I can move on, but instead it ends up feeling utterly dishonoring to the memory of my child.

3. Trying to find someone to blame – No grieving person needs to be subjected to a rant by someone else. In my mind, blaming someone for whatever has happened, is a rant. Don’t give me a laundry list of everyone who is at fault for this tragedy, just let me grieve without having to filter your anger and blame too. You can read more about how people naturally look to blame others in a tragedy.

4. Putting grief in a box – We all grieve differently. I prefer to grieve alone. Some people prefer to grieve loudly. Some need to say what they need to say and move on…until the next time. And yes, some people seem to grieve forever. Whatever you do, don’t try to put someone else’s grief in a box and give them timelines and rules for grieving. Remember with them. Give them hope for a future. But don’t have expectations.

5. Not acknowledging their loss – Sometimes in our uncomfortableness, we avoid topics that we are afraid of. We brush over dates and names. We steer conversations away from anything that might remind our grieving friend or family member of their loss. We try to soften the pain by never acknowledging the pain. Stop doing that. Please, speak my child’s name. Please, remember the 4th of July as her birthday and February as the month she passed away (you don’t have to remember the exact date, I’m ok with that.) When you pretend like nothing happened, you hurt me far worse than if you acknowledge my daughter’s death by including her in my life.

6. Making this about you – We want to relate. Its natural. But, unless you have a VERY similar story or are asked to tell your story, avoid it. In those early days, grieving people can only handle their own grief, and they are barely doing that. Don’t heap your grief on them and don’t try to compare your grief to theirs.

In my post on helping a grieving friend, I mention how losing your dog, your grandma, or even your parent is not the same as losing a child. And the reverse is true. Let the grieving person grieve their own loss without needing to filter through yours.

Additionally, don’t tell a grieving person how you “almost” lost a child or “almost” lost a parent. There was a long period of time where I struggled with being around people who had almost lost children, but hadn’t. They made me angry. I know, that’s an ugly truth, but truth nonetheless. Almost and Did are nowhere near the same.

7. Never being normal around them again – This may sound odd considering I just said that not acknowledging their loss is hurtful too. However, you CAN be normal AND acknowledge their loss at the same time. Don’t assume I don’t want to go out for a meal or ice cream because I’m grieving. Don’t assume I don’t want to take a walk or take the kids to the park. In the early days, it is hard to do things without your loved one, but I needed life to move forward too. I needed to be treated normal, and not like a scary disease. I needed friends who would come over, not because I might need to talk, but because they just wanted to spend time with me whether I talked or not.

Grieving people need to be reminded that they are human. They need to be slowly coaxed back into the land of the living. They need to slowly return to joy. But, they desperately want to avoid leaving their loved one behind as they make that return. You can help be that balance for them by speaking memories and hope in their life one day at a time.

Grief is hard. And at some point, you are going to flub up. If you flub up because you were thoughtless – say so and apologize! If you flub up because you were over thinking – say so and apologize! I can almost guarantee you will be forgiven because if there is one thing grieving people appreciate more than anything, it is the acknowledgement that NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS EASY.

For our story and more help for those who grieve and the friends of those who grieve, visit my Grieving Mother page.

Amy,
This was a much needed post. My sister passed away 6 years ago and even in our large family (16 kids) it was a huge hole and a very hard time for our family.
I wished I could create a list for people of what NOT to do or say after we experienced such things…
you pretty much listed them all.
someone even told my mother it was a good thing we had so many kids- 1 loss wasn’t as noticeable (seriously!!!)
I look back and one of the most precious moments was a friend of mine who simply hugged me and cried with me and said she was praying for me. It was so heartfelt and comforting.
my parents were very gracious towards those many blundering people… but oh did we learn now how to grieve with others!
thanks for making this list :)

When my sister died as an adult, my mother was accused of not loving her the right way because you could not see her grief in public. It still bothers her that because she was trying to be strong for her husband, children, grandchildren, and mother, people actually thought she didn’t love April the right way. What hurtful foolishness can arise at times of grief. She’s always been a proper and private person and extremely practical. Because of your blog today, I have prayed for those experiencing grief and the people around them, that God would guide these interactions and that they would all extend grace to one another.

Oh Amy (hugs). This made me cry, I can relate to all those points. It’s been 31/2 yrs since my mom passed. I can remember who called, who sent cards, flowers etc. I remember who stopped by, I remember that not one person brought me a meal. :-(. I forgot all about that until i went to my sister’s house and her fridge was full of food from people. ((She lives 2 hrs from me). I was away for 10 days… Haven’t had a home cooked meal in 10 days. I craved something made out of love. Having to. Go shopping for food was the last thing I wanted to do, but had to.

As time passes people forget… But you never do.

I can’t imagine losing a child Amy. But I do know grief… It’s a lonely place. And I’m so sorry Emily is gone. She was a beautiful baby.

You said it, Amy! I lost my Dad a few months ago. I was fortunate to not have anybody say anything stupid, but I remember every card, every person that was there. So sweet! I also remember that NONE of my in-laws said/did a thing! So hurtful! Though I have accepted that my 93-year-old Dad is gone, the grief can really creep up at the most unexpected moments.
Thank you for your open and honest post.

My husband has been in a nursing home for the past year with Alzheimer’s disease. Very few people ask how he is. It’s almost like he’s dropped off the face of the earth. When they ask how I’m doing, I also want to say “And George is doing well, too”. But I don’t. I’m working on my grief for what I’ve lost, even though he’s still alive.

Chris,
I know my mom’s personal struggle with my dad being in a rest home with Alzheimer’s. You have every right to say something and speak his presence into other people’s lives. He’s not dead. Different…but not dead. ((HUGS))

Thank you for this post. My father unexpectedly passed away from a heart attack several years ago. After I said that I wished I could have had some more time on earth with him, a friend told me that “even if he could come back, he wouldn’t want to,” (suggesting that heaven is far better than this earth). While I agree about the glories of heaven, just the way she said it made it feel like my Dad didn’t care about me anymore. Thinking of this encounter still brings tears . . .

Thank you so much for writing this Amy. I had a stillborn son 6 years ago and we had different reactions from people like you mentioned. I truly appreciate your writing to help people on how to consul others.

Please don’t take this the wrong way because I don’t mean it in any way that is bad or insensitive, but I have read many, many things like this over the years. Maybe it is just me and the weird way I am wired, but it is things like this that make me even MORE afraid to say or do anything around someone who is grieving. It makes me feel like I better just shut up and stay away because, since I struggle with saying and doing the wrong things normally, I’m for sure going to screw up and say or do something wrong and I’m going to hurt my poor grieving friend even more. When a dear friend lost her mother last year, I really had no idea what to do for her. I found out later that she really needed more physical support (people in her home, sitting with her, etc.) and, while it was true that my own life was pretty chaotic at the time, I felt terrible that I wasn’t there for her. I am very thankful that other people were, but truly, I had no idea that she needed more support. I just don’t get how those of us who aren’t grieving (or who are grieving ourselves, but differently), are supposed to just “know” what we’re supposed to do. Do they want to be alone? Do they want company? Do they want to talk? Do they want me to be silent? Do they want to be distracted? Or do they need to process things? (Yes, I tried asking my friend – I had talked to her almost every day on the phone – but she never made it sound as bad as it was and couldn’t articulate her needs because of her grief and the medication she was put on.) This is a nice list of what we shouldn’t do – though I’ve also seen some lists of what TO do and that’s slightly more helpful – but what works for one person is the exact opposite of what some other person needs or wants. Like I said, maybe it’s just me – I’m used to being the one who doesn’t quite “get” things – but it’s really hard when people say, “I know they don’t mean to hurt me,” but yet they’re hurt anyway. If someone says something to me that could be hurtful, but I know they didn’t mean to hurt me, I don’t let it bother me because I know they didn’t mean it like that. When someone tells me that they were hurt by something I said, even thought they know I didn’t mean it that way, I end up feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around them and I’m afraid to say anything, lest I hurt them even more, especially since I had no intention of hurting them in the first place. I’m sorry. I’m sure this is helpful for other people, but for me it just makes it even harder to reach out to a grieving friend and I see these things so often it just leaves me feeling more and more helpless in these situations. I feel like this is not coming out right and not even sure if I should say it. The bottom line, I guess, is I don’t EVER want to add to the hurt of someone who is grieving, but when you – and so many others – say things like this, it terrifies me – the non-griever – into doing nothing. Well, that’s not true. I pray, which is maybe the best thing I can do anyway. God bless.

Jen s. You have a right to your opinion too! You should not feel any other way than what you do. You are responsible for the condition of your heart, not anyone else’s’. Do what you feel the Lord is leading you to do. If the Griever takes offense, apologise, but don’t also take offense, just realize they are in a different place than you. We CANNOT be expected to know what each person needs until you ask, then who knows, you may need to apologize. I feel the same as you, but I have never suffered a severe loss….some comments seem very obvious, I would never say like Amy said ” better off” “I almost lost” etc., but other than the obvious, I think you are doing a good job! You called your friend every day, how can you read her mind!? I hope this helps a little bit….I understand you;)

Yes, it is hard, and I can see where you are coming from. As a grieving momma, I can tell you to never stop calling your friend(s). Send them a note of encouragement. Mention their loved one who passes, fore our greatest fear at times is that they will be never mentioned nor remembered again. Above all…ask the Lord for wisdom before phoning, writing, texting, etc. He will never fail you! As it says in proverbs (I’m paraphrasing), it’s better to hold our tongue. We are wiser in our silence than in our babbling tongues. That being said, it doesn’t meant to ignore or avoid the person altogether, but rather, to know it’s okay to sit in silence. We have become too uncomfortable in our society with silence. We can have an impact and encourage someone by just being there in their presence, or recognizing their hurt by mailing a card, etc. I just wanted to encourage you to take Amy’s advice to heart and pray, and to NOT stop reaching out due to fear of saying the wrong thing. From personal experience, it hurts far more for someone to stop calling or being your friend than for your to make an attempt–even if you accidentally say the wrong thing. :)

Thank you so much for this post, Amy! I am a still somewhat young pastor’s wife who hasn’t experienced a great amount of grief in my life. It is so hard to know how to help in these very painful moments in someone’s life. This is very helpful and insightful. Thank you for saying what was hard to say!

I’ve never lost a child, so my opinion may count for nothing. When I read posts(I’ve read several) like this it makes me want to avoid a person who is grieving because all you can think of is how you are doing everything wrong. Saying the wrong thing, not saying enough, etc.

I found this post to be extremely helpful this week. As I was driving over to be with someone who had just faced a horrific loss I was replaying your words in my mind. I spent a lot of time being silent and listening realizing that the “ministry of presence” is sometimes the best. Think about it this way. Job’s friends were awesome until they started talking:)

Grief is hard! Understanding how to help or what to say is tough too. My kids have experience two major losses in their lives-grandparents dying and the loss of two siblings in utero. I try to talk through my grief with the kids and try to put words to their grief when they struggle. Sometimes I don’t think there is enough space for kids to grieve.

Oh my, Amy, this is right on. Every point had me nodding my head and whispering, “yes.” We lost a sweet daughter and oh how I wanted someone to mention her name–just as proof she was here and now she’s missed. We did have a big support system and I’m so thankful, but life goes back to normal for everyone else and we are left still needing. I think some people don’t know what to do. Some things I appreciated: Food, food, food. One friend took pictures of all the flowers so we could see them later (we put copies in with our thank yous), someone took our dry cleaning, Since a fire was involved a friend took my grandmother’s secretary desk and had it dipped and refinished. The drugstore clerk stood and cried while we were gabbing a few necessities. One friend made me a beautiful scrapbook. Those are the things that comfort months after they were given. Other brought toys and clothes for my 3 yr. old.

What a perfectly thought out piece this is and should be helpful to anyone! I lost my husband 3 1/2 years ago. He died in his sleep and it was very difficult to endure all the thoughtless comments my children and I heard. They were entering their 20s and it was such a tough time for all of us. What you say is so true. I remember everyone who was there for us. There were over 500 people at the funeral and somehow I noticed who was missing. The best thing people can do is to just be there for you and let you talk. Don’t offer comments because we don’t need to hear them. Just a hug and friendly gesture is all we needed. It has been 3 1/2 years and it is still so hard. We have not forgotten and I still appreciate when people talk about him.
I wish you the best. I can not imagine the pain you endure but I hope it gets easier with time. Hugs.

I absolutely hate being told that my son is in a ‘better place”. He was in a very good place here with his family, his Navy brothers and sisters, his wife and his beloved dog, thank you very much. He loved us and we love him. The other thing I don’t want to hear is that he is living on through the organs he donated. HE is not living on. His heart and lungs and liver and kidneys are allowing five people to live their lives. but He is not living in those organs any more than in his hair after a haircut or fingernail clippings. His brain died and he had to further use for those organs. It was his wish that if he died and circumstances allowed, he wanted to donate organs so that other people had a better chance at life.
I think I experienced everything you noted in your blog. People who didn’t know what to say so they never showed up of said anything. The ‘better place people and the living on people. The ‘want to go get a polish sausage at Costco’ friends are really the best. Thanks for your blog.

Thank you for this post – especially the part about mentioning the deceased’s name. I was afraid to talk to a friend about her young brother after his death as I thought it would hurt her but after reading your post I mentioned him the next time she was here and she started to cry. I thought I had hurt her but she went on to tell me how wonderful it was to hear his name and that everyone else had seemed to stop talking about him. She loved to hear his name and that she felt closer to him when he was mentioned – he DOES still exist and IS still loved, we just can’t see him with our human eyes – “but he’s right there”.

My husband is loosing his dad… He’s been on a ventilator for last 2 months.. The neurologist said he can’t do no more a month ago. He told my husband and his family he will forever be in a vegetable state. Last Monday they were all ready to let him go n finally rest. Then the younger son who is POA decided he won’t let him go. Now my husband is lost all over again. I said something I shouldn’t have. I saw my husband hurt like it was day 1 all over again. I broke and said his brother is selfish and this is wrong for what he’s doing. My husband snapped and told me I have no say in this. He told me I’m not here (which I am everyday for him). He said I have no heart. I should never put his brother down. I told him i didn’t mean it like that. I just hurt watching him hurt. Please help any advice will! All I want is to take his pain away and I feel like I messed that up and ended up hurting him.

Amy, I can’t imagine losing a child. I lost a sister and of course it was horrible, , but I also watched my mom and dad suffer in a way I could not relate to. I lost my husband a year ago, and I have no words for that pain. Your article touched something in me and I can relate to a lot of it. I posted it on fb not to get attention, but to inform people about grief. The very first response I got was from a childhood friend who immediately made it about her grief of losing her sister. I do not think she read the whole article. I have had no calls, nobody stop by to check on me. Even my own daughter who lives 30 minutes away is so busy with her business that she has not been to see me since the funeral. I was not allowed to grieve around my 2 daughters, so I ended up pulling away and grieving by myself. Everybody has continued on with their lives, and that is wonderful! I am alone now, but after a year I am starting to feel some self worth and have been doing some soul searching, and self healing. Reading articles like yours was good for the soul. Thank you Amy, I pray your heart can heal and you do have more children, I do know that you can never replace a child with another. If you do have more children, I hope you share with them pictures of your daughter and her story and keep that beautiful memory alive.

Thank you, Pat! And I am so sorry for your loss. I’m sure it’s been a hard year. I’ve watched my mother grieve the loss of my dad, and I know how lonely she is. Since Emily’s passing, I’ve had 5 more children. They ALL know they have a sister in Heaven.

I think it is very easy for people (even family and close friends) to forget. I’m sure your friend saw herself in the post and totally forgot your loss. Thankfully, God gives us grace. There are definitely still things that sting that were said or done in those early days after Em’s death, but with time and grace, I’ve been able to see them for what they are. Grief is messy. I think that’s why I do prefer to grieve alone.

((HUGS)) to you. I’m praying someone remembers you and stands in the gap as a comfort to you.

Hi Amy, I stumbled upon your article by accident (although nothing is an accident in my opinion) and I just wanted to say thank you for shining a light on something that is a really delicate subject and one that, in my opinion isn’t talked about enough. I’m so sorry for the loss you experienced.

I’ve lost both of my parents in the last 4 years, both at relatively young ages by today’s standards (551 & 53) and I can honestly say I was completely unprepared; both mentally and emotionally for what loss and grief would feel like and especially since my Mum only passed in January of this year, it is a subject very close to me at the moment.

Your article really resonated with me and whilst I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child, I can completely understand the points you raised, especially 2 & 5! Perhaps it’s because I’d already lost one parent, so I ‘should’ know what to expect, or maybe it’s that people don’t know what to say to me, but I’ve definitely noticed a difference in the way people treat me now. And I wouldn’t say it’s for the better.
The positive is that you learn who you can rely on, who’s really in your life through the good and the bad and you appreciate them so much more.

Luckily for me, loss has made me more resourceful and I’ve made some big changes in my life, in an effort to turn something crappy into something positive and I intend to help others through loss, having now trained to be a coach. Perhaps the isolation that I’ve experienced was a good motivator for my changes and so maybe I should be grateful for how things have turned out? Who knows. All I do know, is that your article was very insightful and I just wanted to thank you for sharing it. :)

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Just 11 short days after this photo was taken, our 5th child, Emily, died. To read her story click on her picture. To find resources for grieving families, visit The Grieving Mother section of this site.