My Husband Refuses to Take Social Distancing as Seriously As I Do

The other day, a friend posted on Facebook: “I wonder if there will be more coronavirus babies or divorces when this is all over?” Reading it, I nervously laughed, because although my husband and I have enjoyed an otherwise strong, compromise-filled marriage for the past three plus years, we’re currently standing on opposite sides of a rift about how seriously we should be taking social distancing, with the (figurative) distance between us getting larger by the day.

It started small. A few days into the quarantine, I suited up like an extra from Outbreak to go get groceries, and when I returned home lamenting that no one in the supermarket showed even the slightest bit of precaution, he told me I was the crazy one. Later on, when I overheard him promising his mom that she could “just pop by” to see our baby despite my father-in-law having just returned from Europe, I told him he was the one being unreasonable.

And back and forth we’ve gone.

So, in an effort to stop lobbing accusations at one another in this tension-filled volley of “RELAX” vs. Too Lax, we consulted the experts to find out if there is a right and wrong—and to what degree we should be taking social distancing to ensure our safety, and that of our loved ones.

Here’s how they recommend navigating the Corona Rift.

Okay, so should you allow that visit from your in-laws, siblings or friends?

This is the biggest point of contention in my house. Dr. Asaf Bitton, MD, MPH, primary care physician, public health researcher and Executive Director of the Ariadne Labs, agrees that we should be cautious, advising against letting others enter your home. "You’d have to ensure there’s no surface they touch, no chance of interaction," he explains. On top of that, because it can take up to five days to show symptoms—and often people who are carriers can be completely asymptomatic—it's not worth the risk, explains Dr. Bitton.

“I’m dealing with it with friends and family too—if I had a hierarchy of recommendations, the first and foremost are keeping distance between people and not having anyone over," he says. "If we justify that we can invite friends over as long as they keep the recommended six foot distance, that doesn’t really make sense. There is no try. We might as well practice social distancing as seriously as we can, while taking care of the vulnerable in the population, because we’ll be out of the pandemic faster that way."

However, getting your in-laws on board, especially when they have a precious grandkid they'd love to see, takes some work. Hopefully, you can calmly explain that practicing social distancing is just as much about their safety as it is yours, and remind them that the "I feel fine!" excuse doesn't have much standing. Then, urge them to use apps like FaceTime, Google Hangout, and Zoom so you can stay connected.

How about getting restaurant takeout?

Dr. Bitton is largely against takeout and delivery, explaining that we can’t be sure that those preparing and handling our food are utilizing protective measures. Also, outsourcing meals opens the door to the possibility of contamination. Other medical professionals are on the opposite side of the fence. So if you do wish to get delivery, there are measures you can take. For instance, ask the delivery person to drop the food outside your door, then wait until they're at least six feet away before retrieving. And of course, toss the containers and wipe down any surface they've touched—and then, you guessed it, wash your hands.

What about packages? Are they safe to receive?

Full disclosure, I’ve been laying all incoming items down in our home office and spraying/wiping the bejesus out of them, despite my husband asking, “Is that really necessary?” Turns out even the experts like Dr. Bitton admit to asking the same questions as we are. “We haven't seen much guidance on that," he says. “So we revert back to what we know about viral transmissions."

"If you or someone in your household are at higher risk, then perhaps it’s not a bad idea to wipe the mail down quickly before you open it. The same goes for the items you buy in the grocery store. Don’t use a sanitizing wipe on fruits and vegetables obviously, but wash produce well and do a quick disinfectant wipe on that box of cookies. Is that what the CDC recommends? No. But there’s low downside to being cautious and perhaps some upside, as long as it doesn’t drive discord or anxiety in the household.”

How long are we going to have to do this social distancing thing?

My husband openly admitted that his biggest rub with being asked to adjust his behavior wasn’t the ask itself, but rather the uncertainty of how long he’d have to do it. A month? Six months? A year? Which is it? “What the best analyses suggest,” explains Dr. Bitton, “is that this is going to likely happen in phases, and the biggest one is right now. So we have a real duty to do what we can, and it’s difficult to prognosticate, because it's dependent on many things. But if we protect hospital workers, ramp things up, get people to distance, it’s not impractical to think this could be on the wane some time in May.”

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He warns that there will likely be a second or third wave “given how viruses act," but says that he believes the hardest stretch will be behind us by then. “The key difference is that we’ll ideally have better surveillance and testing capacity, so that as the spikes come back, we’ll know earlier where and when they’re happening than we do now, as we’re flying a bit blind.”

A targeted approach, like the one implemented in Singapore and South Korea, could be the key to allowing some modified form of a return to normalcy, Bitton says. “What will likely happen is that some businesses and perhaps even schools will slowly open up, with provisions to try to keep people from being too densely aggregated. There will be extensive symptom checking and quick referrals to testing if people show symptoms. When clusters of cases inevitably reappear, public closures may resume for short amounts of time until cases fall again. Contact tracing and quick self-quarantine of those exposed to people who test positive will be necessary to prevent resumption of high levels of transmission."

He adds, "The possible introduction of at home testing kits and/or antibody testing (to check for past immunity) will also help. The latter would especially be a game-changer since the current thinking is that those who show antibodies have had coronavirus before and are unlikely (per current understanding) to get it again. One could imagine that this cohort of people may get back to work earliest given their immunity. We will likely be doing this over the summer and into the fall.” In other words, this is our new normal for now, not forever.

Now that I was armed with the info I needed to justify my viewpoint, I still needed to figure out how to reach a domestic detente. "It’s important to understand that the road to peaceful coexistence involves a two part process, says Craig Springer, PhD, a NJ-based Clinical Psychologist and Co-Founder of the Good Life Center for Mental Health. “The first step is improving the way you see the world from each other’s perspectives. Once you do that,” says Springer, “You can start to work on negotiation and finding solutions.

First of all, agree on your sources.

If one of you is constantly reading news from every outlet while the other tunes it all out, it's important to come to a compromise that involves identifying which source(s) you will take guidance from and limit the frequency. Dr. Bitton says checking the news once or twice a day is sufficient. “Batching exposure to media and social media during times of crisis is a good idea. Bitton recommends the CDC and WHO’s updates to stay informed.

Find the line.

Whether this is identifying mutually agreed-upon boundaries for each of you, like protecting the health of immunocompromised children or aging parents at all costs, or something lighter, it helps to understand each other’s most critical priorities. For my husband and I, visits from our families could jeopardize our health, leaving us with no one to care for our baby should we contract COVID-19—so that's where I had to draw a line in the sand. Luckily, having an actual expert like Dr. Bitton recommend some best practices (and unfortunately, seeing the numbers of cases soar each day) has helped my husband come around a bit. Or, he’s just placating me—either way, I’ll take it.

Emphasize the “social” in social distancing.

Remember the things that made you fall in love with your partner or relish about those friendships? The common ground, the favorite activities? Do what you can to reinvent them during this time, like hosting virtual game nights, or turning Sundays with extended family into a digital dinner table. It’ll help you feel more at ease in your home.

For us, we’ve enjoyed cooking together, taking long walks as a family, and FaceTiming with our loved ones enough that it’s helping us cling to the “this isn’t so bad” life raft as we bob along in the sea of uncertainty. We’ve lessened the intake of frightening news we (okay, I) were consuming, and he’s keeping visitors at bay—for now, at least. We’re doing the best we can, and every day we’re inching closer—not only to the (eventual) finish line, but also, more importantly, to each other.

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