Helpful Books For People Contemplating Divorce

by Anna Krolikowska

I am a family law attorney. In my practice I work with clients who are contemplating or pursuing divorce, or clients who are in the process of crafting their prenuptial agreements. I see those two areas of my practice as the continuum of life, and I have learned a lot about relationships from it.

Frequently people ask me to suggest books to help them through the divorce process. With so many books written about relationships it’s hard to tell which ones are the best. After all, a lot depends on someone’s particular life experiences. However, there are a few standouts. My list below is a good start, there are certainly other good books, however these have time and again proven themselves to be helpful to my clients. Of course, every person in the process of divorce must make decisions based on the counsel they receive from their attorney and other trained professionals. However, I believe reading a few well-written books can aid one’s perspective on the divorce, how to negotiate and how to help children through the process. These are all areas where each person can learn a great deal and work toward the best possible resolution while minimizing the levels of distress that can be so prevalent during divorce.

The following are a few books that are outstanding in terms of their content and point of view regarding interpersonal conflict, communications and the process of divorce.

1. Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations by William Ury | Divorce is often about negotiation and finding a path through conflict (or at least strong differences of opinion) to get to a point of resolution and clarity. This book helps people move through “no” to get to “yes”.

2. Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen | Divorce is hard. That’s a fact. Couples, during divorce, are frequently faced with difficult conversation. This book helps keep the focus on solutions and how to move through the conversations to resolution.

3. Collaborative Divorce: The Revolutionary New Way to Restructure Your Family, Resolve Legal Issues, and Move on With Your Life by Pauline H. Tesler, M.A., J.D., and Peggy Thompson, Ph.D. | I’m a divorce attorney trained in mediation and collaborative process. This is a refreshing approach to what is frequently viewed as a solely litigated field. Some couples collaborate on the dissolution of their marriage, or on the creation of their prenuptial agreement, and learning how this process works can greatly aid a couple, especially a couple seeking greater privacy and a focus on what’s best for their minor children (if they have children), and themselves.

4. The Good Karma Divorce: Avoid Litigation, Turn Negative Emotions into Positive Actions, and Get On With the Rest of Your Life by Hon. Michele Lowrance| There’s no question that divorce is painful and facing the dissolution of a marriage is so hard on a couple. This book helps people think through ways they can move through the process toward a happier, more fulfilled future.

5. Perfect Phrases for Conflict Resolution by Lawrence Polsky and Antoine Gerschel. Very often clients struggle with how to say the good and necessary things they need to say. This book offers helpful perspective on how to communicate so that you can be heard and appreciated.

6. I Love You Penelope Rose by Tammy Daniele, LCSW | This is a warm-hearted story for younger children that emphasizes kindness, love and how children can face divorce. It’s a good book for preschool-3rd

There are hundreds of books written about communications in adverse situations, negotiating for what one needs and about the many facets of divorce. I always encourage my clients to explore books that might help them through their experience. If you have read a good book that you would recommend, please feel free to send me a note at anna@kandrfamilylaw.com.

Anna Krolikowska is an attorney in private practice in the metro-Chicago and North Suburban Chicago areas. She is a collaboratively trained attorney and a Fellow of The Collaborative Law Institute of Illinois. Within her law practice Anna works with clients using the collaborative process, mediation, or the litigated approach. To learn more about which approach might be best for you contact Anna at anna@kandrfamilylaw.com, or (847) 715-9328 to schedule a consultation.

]]>https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/helpful-books-for-people-contemplating-divorce/feed/0Divorce Advice In The Form Of A Fictitious Novelhttps://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/divorce-advice-in-the-form-of-a-fictitious-novel/
https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/divorce-advice-in-the-form-of-a-fictitious-novel/#respondTue, 19 Feb 2019 14:10:33 +0000https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/?p=47423Continue reading "Divorce Advice In The Form Of A Fictitious Novel"]]>They say “Write about what you know,” which I think is why there are countless books written on the subject of divorce. But not every author offers divorce advice via a memoir or a non-fiction guide book. Lots of writers, including Jackie Pilossoph, decided to write a novel after divorce. My reason for writing a novel (versus a guide book) is that I wanted to offer support, advice and inspiration in a fun, entertaining way. So, when I heard about “Seamless,” a new novel about a divorced woman’s journey, it reminded me of myself a decade ago. I ended up contacting the author, Beth Bear Shields, and interviewing her about “Seamless.” What I found out is, Shields has some really wonderful divorce advice to offer, which comes out in the pages of this delightful novel! Here is this week’s Love Essentially, in which I write about my interview with Shields and what this book has to offer.

New Novel Sends Powerful Message To Divorced People

“When my boys were 1 and 3, I was walking on the beach, and I saw a couple walking with a toddler on the husband’s shoulders and I thought to myself, ‘This is something I will never have.’ I was right,” said Shields, a North Shore-based mom, who went through a divorce in 2003.

But the now 50-year-old former preschool teacher said she learned a valuable lesson through her divorce and being a single mom: You can still have a beautiful life.

“Instead, I have memories of the three of us playing in the sand together, and I wouldn’t trade those for anything,” she said.

Shields, who is now remarried, took divorce experiences like these, along with the stories of other divorced women, and turned them into her recently published novel, “Seamless.”

“It’s not all true, but it’s based on me — a character who doesn’t like change, is afraid to stick up for herself and because she’s little, she wears a platform in her shoe,” said Shields, who is 4 feet, 10 inches tall (and proud of it). “When she gets separated, she has to put her big girl shoes on, step up and move forward.”

]]>https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/divorce-advice-in-the-form-of-a-fictitious-novel/feed/0Grieving A Divorce? No One Should Tell You How To Feelhttps://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/grieving-a-divorce-no-one-should-tell-you-how-to-feel/
https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/grieving-a-divorce-no-one-should-tell-you-how-to-feel/#respondSat, 16 Feb 2019 14:09:13 +0000https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/?p=47416Continue reading "Grieving A Divorce? No One Should Tell You How To Feel"]]>Editors note: I read this wonderful article by Lisa and thought it applied so well to those who might be grieving a divorce. I remember people saying things like, “You’re going to be fine,” “You should be glad it happened now while you’re still young and you can get remarried,” or “Stop feeling sorry for yourself. At least you’re not sick and dying.” I realize they were just trying to soothe my pain, but what would have been so much better would have been to hear, “I’m so sorry you are going through this,” or “I know you are in pain right now.” This applies not just to someone grieving a divorce, but to any situation. Here is Lisa’s article on why no one should tell you how to feel, but why they might.

Some Thoughts About Feelings

by Dr. Lisa Kaplin

I’m in a few parent groups on Facebook. I generally find them supportive and filled with lots of good suggestions and recommendations. However, I periodically find the groups frustrating based on many of the group members’ need or desire to push away the feelings of others. Why are so many of us uncomfortable with letting people feel what they feel?

A mother in one of the groups was discussing how much she missed her daughter who was traveling abroad. Another mother responded, “Why would you be sad? You should be excited for her and proud that she’s on this trip.” There’s no doubt that the feelings of pride and excitement for our child would be great as well, but why aren’t we entitled to feel sad sometimes? Why isn’t it possible to feel both sad and proud? Why do some people need to diminish the feelings of others?

The answer, I think, lies in our desire to “make” other people feel better. We are uncomfortable with sadness or negative feelings. That’s understandable, but it’s not very helpful. We all experience a variety of emotions. No emotion is good or bad, but rather part of the human experience. Parenthood has been both the most joyful and the most frustrating journey of my life. Both feelings occurred frequently and sometimes almost simultaneously.

The problem with trying to talk someone out of their feelings is that it actually leads to the person feeling worse and not validated. All of us are looking for understanding, compassion, and validation. That doesn’t mean that our friends can’t periodically give us a good ole kick in the pants, but sometimes we need both compassion and a kick.

Most of the time when we try to talk someone out of their feelings we do it from a place of kindness. We want them to feel better. Rarely do we do it because we are inconsiderate or cruel. Taking those good intentions and really hearing someone out will be a win/win for both of you. They will feel heard and understood and they will feel better which is what you wanted in the first place. Try it and watch how your relationships deepen and improve. Use it with your children for real success.

Fully hearing someone out doesn’t mean that we have to agree with them or even expect that we would have the same response. It just means that we care enough to be present for the other person through any emotion that they might be experiencing. That is what support and compassion look like. It benefits all of us when we are able to both give and receive each of these.

Next time you hear someone expressing feelings, practice just listening to them without trying to talk them out of their emotions. Watch how much calmer and relaxed they become when they are given the space to both experience and express their feelings. Really hearing someone might sound like this: “It sounds to me like you are really upset and sad. It’s completely understandable that you feel that way based on what you are experiencing. How can I support you?”

Lisa Kaplin, Psy. D., CPC is a professional certified life and executive coach, psychologist, and professional speaker. She helps people tackle that “One day I’ll do this and then I’ll be happy” goal, today. You can reach Lisa at Lisa@lisakaplin.com or lisakaplin.com

]]>https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/grieving-a-divorce-no-one-should-tell-you-how-to-feel/feed/03 Really Bad Reasons For Staying In An Unhealthy Marriagehttps://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/3-really-bad-reasons-for-staying-in-an-unhealthy-marriage/
https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/3-really-bad-reasons-for-staying-in-an-unhealthy-marriage/#respondWed, 13 Feb 2019 17:11:09 +0000https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/?p=47405Continue reading "3 Really Bad Reasons For Staying In An Unhealthy Marriage"]]>Here’s a synopsis of a reader considering either getting divorced or staying in an unhealthy marriage:

She 27 years old, and she and her husband have been together for about a decade. He’s a student and she has been working and supporting him financially almost the entire time. She said one problem with the marriage is that the only thing they do together is watch TV.

I’m starting to feel less and less respect for him. Like he’s holding me back. This is made worse by my newer need to explore life (I actually went and swam with sharks as part of my bucket list). I love horseback riding, swimming and dancing. He has never been on my horse, he thinks lakes are “yucky” and he doesn’t like to dance. It makes it really hard to have fun with him because the only things he really likes are video games and tv.

She said they don’t have sex because he never wants to, but she found porn on his computer, and he admitted to watching it several times per week.

I ended up kissing someone else and he was okay with it. I felt awful. We went to counseling for it and other things and he changed but I am no longer sure we are even right for each other. He recently had to be out of state and it felt very freeing. We don’t have kids but we both want them. Right now, my relationship boils down to staying for 3 reasons:

1. I don’t want to hurt him.
2. I’m afraid that I won’t find anyone else to love that will also love me back. To build that level of intimacy again is scary to me.
3. I want kids and I know he’d be a good dad.

I know those aren’t good reasons to stay but I still have love for him.

Here’s my advice. I don’t want to tell this woman to get divorced, because I can’t guarantee that she is going to meet the man of her dreams, have babies, and live happily after. That said, she might. I CAN guarantee what is going to happen if she stays and they don’t get help: more of the same. Yes, he is trying to change, and I respect that, but there are some really, really big issues here, including the fact that they have such different interests, he would rather look at porn than have sex with his wife, and that she likes when they are apart.

I agree with her, that her reasons for staying aren’t the best reasons. Let me explain.

1. I don’t want to hurt him. In any breakup, both people get hurt. There is no getting around it. But, everyone eventually moves on with their lives. In fact, she might be doing her husband a favor if she leaves. It doesn’t sound like they have much in common, and he might find someone who likes the same things he likes, and who isn’t pushing him so much to horseback ride and dance (not that there’s anything wrong with her wanting that!) but he doesn’t want it.

2. I’m afraid that I won’t find anyone else to love that will also love me back. To build that level of intimacy again is scary to me. As I said, there are no guarantees about what her future holds. But I can say this: I’m not sure if she loves him anymore. That’s not to say the love can’t come back if they go to therapy and work on their relationship. But it sounds like a lot of resentment has built up (about supporting him and him watching TV all the time and the porn). Also, she doesn’t respect him. Those are two huge avenues to falling out of love.

3. I want kids and I know he’d be a good dad. Perhaps the worst reason to stay with someone, the worst idea in the world is to get pregnant in a relationship that needs fixed. A child will not fix it. All a child will do is cause a divorce later, and it will be even harder financially and to meet someone else (in my opinion.) Maybe he will be a good dad, but right now, he’s not really being a good husband, so I don’t think I would take that chance until the relationship is fixed.

The reality is, this relationship needs to be fixed, or this woman should leave. It cannot stay like this or all it will bring is more of the same problems (intensified if she gets pregnant.)

This woman said she is 27 years old. I didn’t get married until I was 35, and I had kids at 36 and 38! People are having babies into their early 40’s now. I know when you’re young, it seems like time is running out, but it isn’t!

Also when you’re young, 40 seems old and 50 seems really old, and 60, that just seems ancient! It isn’t. She has so much time to live her life.

It’s not an easy choice, and leaving takes courage. But so does staying and trying to work things out. She is the only person who knows what’s right. I hope she chooses wisely and lives the life she wants and deserves.

]]>https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/3-really-bad-reasons-for-staying-in-an-unhealthy-marriage/feed/0The Importance Of Asking For What You Want In A Relationshiphttps://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/the-importance-of-asking-for-what-you-want-in-a-relationship/
https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/the-importance-of-asking-for-what-you-want-in-a-relationship/#respondSun, 10 Feb 2019 14:49:09 +0000https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/?p=47386Continue reading "The Importance Of Asking For What You Want In A Relationship"]]>A huge issue in a faltering romantic relationship is when one or both people stop communicating effectively. One aspect of this is when instead of coming out and asking for things they want, hold everything inside and then become angry and resentful toward the other person because they aren’t getting what they want/need. Asking for what you want in a relationship is the topic of this week’s Love Essentially, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press, and several other newspapers across the country.

Will You Be My Valentine?

by Jackie Pilossoph for Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press

Every year on Feb. 14, millions of men and women look at their spouse in a loving, fun, or cute way and ask, “Will you be my valentine?” The question can have lots of different interpretations, which include “Will you take me out for dinner?” “Will you buy me flowers?” “Will you have sex with me?” or “Will you continue to love and be faithful to me?”

Regardless of what specifically a person is seeking by asking a spouse if he or she will be their valentine, there is something really, really significant and healthy going on here: The person is actually asking their spouse for something. In other words, they are communicating their needs.

Think about it. This is therapy 101, and I can say that with authority based on my past experience in marriage therapy. Let me explain.

When a relationship is new, couples are usually blissful and everything seems perfect. But as time goes by, and the relationship settles into a long-term commitment or marriage and then the couple has kids, the potential for a communication breakdown arises. Couples can fall into a bad pattern of not expressing their needs by asking for what they want, and instead assuming the spouse knows. And, when a person doesn’t feel that his or her needs are being met by the spouse, that’s when resentment starts to build and fester.

]]>https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/the-importance-of-asking-for-what-you-want-in-a-relationship/feed/0Does Guy Having An Emotional Affair With His Boss Deserve Another Chance?https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/does-guy-having-an-emotional-affair-with-his-boss-deserve-another-chance/
https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/does-guy-having-an-emotional-affair-with-his-boss-deserve-another-chance/#respondThu, 07 Feb 2019 17:23:14 +0000https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/?p=47339Continue reading "Does Guy Having An Emotional Affair With His Boss Deserve Another Chance?"]]>Any kind of cheating is awful. Feeling betrayed is painful, heart wrenching and terribly disappointing. But I personally think it might be harder for a couple to come back from having an emotional affair. Here is one reader’s story:

My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married for a little over a year. months.

Two months ago, he began constantly texting his (female) supervisor. They sent hundreds upon hundreds of texts a week. I began to feel uncomfortable, but he was so reassuring that I let it go. He said he just wanted a friend, and that she was a lesbian so nothing was happening. He plays video games for the majority of his time at home. They began playing together during the day and, at night, he would spend the entire evening after dinner playing games with her.

I decided to check his phone to know if I could truly let it go, but he had deleted all of their texts. When I confronted him about it, he first lied, but then admitted that she had asked him if he found her sexually attractive and he didn’t want that on his phone.

I felt incredibly insecure, as eight years prior he had had an emotional affair with his supervisor at work. I cried, I asked him to stop spending so much time with her so we could nurture our marriage. The hours playing games together continued, usually six if not seven nights a week.

When I begged him to cuddle or go out on a date, he said I was his jailor. He said he would rather be at work than at home. He said he would rather “blow his brains out” than listen to me.

So two weeks ago I filed for divorce.I felt free, since for years he ignored my requests to help with housework or to do things together. He came home the next day and said he blames himself. He says he will move out if that is what I want. He says he ruined our marriage. He cries. He says he will do anything to fix it, and that I am his soulmate.

Then he turns around and says that I never prioritized him over our pets, my parents, my work, my school. He says I never made him feel like he was good enough, and that I don’t accept him as he is.

I am so torn about what to do… I love him. But I also think it takes more than love to make a marriage work. Do I give him yet another chance?

Here’s my advice.

I would never tell a person to leave. I would also never tell a person to stay. That is a personal decision and no one should judge what they decide to do.

All that said, there are some HUGE issues here with this guy and something needs to change. First of all, this is not his first rodeo. He did the exact same thing eight years ago. An affair with his supervisor. Hmmm…what’s the attraction to cheating on the wife with the boss? This is really upsetting to me and stems from some kind of need/pattern/inner struggle.

Now, let’s take some other facts into this scenario: lying, meanness (“I’d rather blow my brains out than listen to you.” And “You are my jailor.”), video game addiction, not helping out around the house, and basically checking out of the marriage years ago.

I’m not going to tell this woman what to do, but I’m not really understanding her hesitation about leaving such toxicity. What is this guy bringing to the table? Now that she decided she had enough of being treated like crap, the guy is crying and saying he’ll do anything to fix it and that she is his soulmate? Soulmates don’t have affairs with their bosses and ignore their partners for 13 years to play video games. I think this guy is freaking out because he doesn’t want to go through a divorce.

To answer her question, it takes WAY more than love to make a marriage work, but she already knows this. It’s her husband who doesn’t realize it.

The only way this marriage can work is if these two people go to therapy immediately, and if the guy is willing to take accountability for all the things he has done to destroy the marriage. I don’t live with them, so I’m sure the wife isn’t perfect, but who is? But I’m saying, she might have done some things in the marriage that she needs to work on. But that’s OK.

But her husband to me seems like he took the marriage and threw it in the garbage, and that would be something that would be really hard for me to come back from. There might be too much resentment to start fresh.

If this woman leaves, I think she will be just fine. Doesn’t she deserve to be the love of someone’s life?—someone who knows what marriage, commitment and soulmates really means?

If she decides to give him a third chance, I wouldn’t judge her. Getting divorced and being alone is scary, plus, we don’t know the whole scenario or what their life is like other than what’s in her email. But if she does try to make things work with him, I hope he learns from the past and makes an effort to stop seeking love and attention from his superiors and instead cherish his “soulmate.”

]]>https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/does-guy-having-an-emotional-affair-with-his-boss-deserve-another-chance/feed/0Are You In An Abusive Relationship?https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/are-you-in-an-abusive-relationship/
https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/are-you-in-an-abusive-relationship/#respondMon, 04 Feb 2019 14:22:37 +0000https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/?p=47331Continue reading "Are You In An Abusive Relationship?"]]>Last night was the Super Bowl, so today seemed like an opportune time to publish this post, written by an anonymous author who was in an abusive relationship.

I know, I know… it’s a myth that Super Bowl Sunday spikes the highest incidence of domestic violence. But still, I have to believe that drinking and partying and football can lead to domestic violence and abuse in a relationship. Even more important, EVERY day, domestic violence is a crisis for millions of people. It strikes all classes, all ages, all genders, all races, and all ethnic backgrounds.

Here is the story of one woman who was in an abusive relationship that involved drugs, alcohol and violence, which led her to having her own drug and alcohol abuse issues. She feels that reading her story might help others. I hope so.

Till Death Do Us Part…

(by a writer who will remain anonymous)

“ I, Hannah , take you Brad, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” These were the vows that many women say at their wedding, and I can only speak for myself but I meant every word of them.

Every little girl dreams of their wedding day, wearing a beautiful white dress, living happy ever after, and riding off into the sun with their prince charming. Man, if I knew what was coming in the years to follow I would have seen that day for what it was. Not a dream come true, but a complete nightmare.

When Brad and I first starting dating it was like a dream! He completely swept me off my feet and we fell madly in love. I say madly because that is what our relationship turned into very quickly… absolute madness and chaos. I moved into his apartment after 3 months of dating and that’s when everything changed. Everything I did was then controlled by him… every aspect of my life was dictated by him and would get angry easily if I did not do exactly what he wanted and yell at me daily. He controlled everything from what I wore and who I could talk to, completely cutting me off from my friends and family. This began the cycle of emotional abuse that became a regular occurrence in my life. Anytime I tried to stand up to him he would tell me that everything he was doing was because he loved me and just wanted what was best for me. He was 15 years older than me so I believed this lie. In my eyes he had more life experience and he regularly reminded me that I was less than him in every way.

We drank, we partied, and we fought. I never felt good enough and was constantly trying to fit into this impossible mold he had. Then the physical abuse started and the cycle of abuse began. He would hit me and then tell me if was my fault because I made him mad. He told me he loved me and that was the only reason he would get so mad. Every time this happened my self esteem and self worth plummeted. Every time after the abuse happened the romancing began and I would forgive him and believe him when he said it would never happen again. Needless to say my family and friends wanted me to leave him, so I got really good at hiding the bruises and acting as if everything was ok.

One day I had enough and told him I was leaving. He begged me not to leave and promised me he would change. Two days later he asked me to marry him. I had my reservations but I thought that getting married would fix everything and we would live happily ever after. The wedding planning process was a nightmare to say the least. At this point the dress was bought, venue booked, and invitations sent out. I thought I was too deep in to back out. On our honeymoon the verbal and emotional abuse started again. He knew he had me trapped by marriage now.

Within a couple of weeks the physical abuse started again… and was worse than ever. One night he came home blackout drunk. I would not have sex with him and he flew into a fit of rage. He dragged me across the apartment by my hair screaming that he was going to kill me. A neighbor heard him and called the cops. Brad reached over the kitchen counter and grabbed a butcher knife. Somehow I was able to get free from him as he chased me around the apartment with the knife. I ran out the front door into our lobby with him close behind me. He continued chasing me down the street when the cops showed up he ran into the neighborhood next to ours. The cops were able to chase him down and he was arrested and charged by the state with felonious assault with a deadly weapon. The gig was up. I did not have to hide anymore and the state placed a mandatory no contact order. While Brad was in jail my family helped me move out of the apartment and in with them as I began the divorce process.

I was free from him but still in the grips of the stress and trauma that had happened. I began drinking heavily and using drugs to avoid the feelings of what happened to me. I knew if I did not deal with these emotions it would run me for the rest of my life. My mom watched me in this downward spiral and stepped in to find me help. I entered a detox facility followed by inpatient treatment center with intensive therapy to deal with my trauma and substance abuse.

It was incredibly difficult and painful but it taught me how to cope and heal from the trauma of the abuse. I am not going to lie, there are still triggers that hit me out of nowhere and take me back those moments, but I now have the coping skills to process those emotions and work through it. Through working a program of recovery I am now healthy, happy, and sober and no longer need to numb my feeling with substances!

Was this difficult? Yes. Was it worth it? Absolutely yes! By working through these events in my life I was able to break the cycle. Now my passion has become helping other women who have been or still are where I was at. You are worth living the beautiful life that you deserve!

Here are 4 tips if you are in a physically abusive relationship:

1- Acknowledge the existence of abuse

2- Reach out for help–whether it’s a therapist, a hotline, a family member, or the police

3- Use a safe computer not accessible by the abuser

4- Make every effort to address the underlying issues that led you to being in a dysfunctional relationship so that it doesn’t happen again. In other words, via individual therapy or group therapy, get to the bottom of things… explore what led you to this pattern.

Some warning signs that you may have a substance abuse problem

1. Going to more than one doctor to get prescriptions or using other people’s prescriptions
2. Increased financial problems
3. Feeling isolated from friends or family
4.Needing more and more of the drugs or alcohol to obtain the desired feeling
5. DUI or other consequences with the law
6. Changes in behavior to hide your drinking or drug use from others
7. Drastic changes to your health and appearance
8. Difficulty doing everyday tasks
9. Finding it impossible to feel normal or function without substances
10. Change in sleep habits
11. Attempts to stop or cut back on drinking or drug use has failed

]]>https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/are-you-in-an-abusive-relationship/feed/0The Brutal Pain Of Divorce And 7 Reasons You Should Never Give Up On Happinesshttps://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/the-brutal-pain-of-divorce-and-7-reasons-you-should-never-give-up-on-happiness/
https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/the-brutal-pain-of-divorce-and-7-reasons-you-should-never-give-up-on-happiness/#respondThu, 31 Jan 2019 14:45:07 +0000https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/?p=47321Continue reading "The Brutal Pain Of Divorce And 7 Reasons You Should Never Give Up On Happiness"]]>I cannot describe how heartbreaking I feel when I read comments on Divorced Girl Smiling like this one, that unveil the brutal pain of divorce:

How do you shake the “never want to wake up” feeling? I’m so miserable. Every single day is pain and I just want to give up.

Before I offer my advice for those feeling the brutal pain of divorce and why you should never give up on being happy again and having a bright future, I want to address something.

If you are in such bad pain that you feel like you might be in danger of harming yourself, PLEASE PLEASE reach out for help, or go to your nearest emergency room. Do not second guess yourself. You will know in your gut if you need help and if you do, PLEASE get it. You need to trust me on this one. Life IS worth living.

Now onto the advice.

This is a true statement: Every single person who has ever gone through a divorce or a bad breakup has felt brutal pain. They have felt like nothing is ever going to change, like they can’t imagine ever being happy again, like the pain is constantly there and it never goes away, like there is nothing that can make their life better, and like their future is hopeless, gray and dismal. Being happy again seems impossible.

NOTHING IS FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH

And, let me make something clear. You do have the right to feel sorry for yourself, to acknowledge your pain, to grieve the end of your marriage, to grieve the person you lost. It’s healthy and normal to feel those feelings. In other words, if someone says, “Stop feeling sorry for yourself, so and so has cancer and she probably won’t be alive in 5 years,” that doesn’t make your problem minimal. You have every right to think your divorce is devastating.

But after you own your feelings, there comes a time to focus less on the loss and more on the things you have. In other words, gratitude needs to come into play. It’s not always easy to see good things when you are so low, but trust me, they are all around you. Goodness and beauty are everywhere, every minute, even during what seem like the darkest days.

I remember one time, I was crying about my divorce and my dad just said, “hey, how’s your coffee?” and I took a sip and realized it was delicious. I realized that before he said that, I wasn’t even able to taste it because I was so preoccupied with my divorce. And then I thought to myself, “Wait a minute. I’m sitting here having coffee with my dad. My sweet, kind, wise, idol who just beat lung cancer.” Hello!! Again, not that that made my divorce totally OK, but it made me see that life isn’t over, and that I had so much to live for—so many people to live for, especially my kids, and so many other wonderful aspects of my life. (and if you are thinking, ‘I don’t have any wonderful aspects, just wait. The journey of life will bring you to them if you are patient and if you make the effort to work on yourself.) The key is maintaining faith.

Here are 7 reasons you should never give up on happiness after divorce:

1. You have physical health.

Do you feel like punching me right now? Please don’t. I had to start out with this, because it is the most basic and true fact. Anything is possible if you have physical health. If you don’t, that’s where real challenges begin. Maybe you have some chronic issues, maybe you had an illness, but if you are relatively healthy and able to function normally in life, you have opportunities beyond your wildest dreams! You can do what you want when you have independence and freedom. Anything you want! (Yes, even those who are financially challenged.)

2. Look around at all the beauty.

It’s is currently -19 degrees in Chicago. Two feet of snow is on the ground. Attempting to walk my dog is a whole other blog post. But, I have to say, it’s absolutely beautiful outside. Beauty is everywhere if you open your eyes. From outside scenery to an adorable dog to beautiful, vibrant children, to friends, to a random baby laughing in a coffee shop or to a young couple kissing, beauty is everywhere if you are willing to put your pain on hold for a few moments every hour and just look around.

3. You have love.

Write down the names of 3 people who you love and who love you and care about you right now. Put the piece of paper in your pocket and keep looking at it. Things with your spouse are over, but he/she didn’t have a monopoly on your love.

4. You have wisdom.

Let’s say you just found out your husband cheated on you and left you for the other woman. While devastating, unfair, and extremely painful, aren’t you glad you finally know? No one wants to go through a divorce, but it does make you wiser, as does any negative life experience. And when you have wisdom, you make much better decisions that lead to better outcomes in the future.

5. You have a purpose and passion.

Yes. You do. So find it. Now. What are you good at? What do you love doing? What makes you happy that isn’t a person? What were you born to do? If you aren’t really sure, try a few things and see what feels natural and right to you. It’s there inside of you. You just have to find out what it is and do it. And guess what? Doing it will give you more self-worth and happiness in such a different way than a relationship. It’s empowering to like yourself and your work!

6. You have value.

You matter. You matter so much. Just because your spouse didn’t want to be married to you anymore, what does that mean? NOTHING to you at this point. Others need you, want you, enjoy you, and depend on you. You make a difference in this world. Do not forget that. No person should make us doubt this. Ever.

7. You have the potential for romantic love if you ever want it again.

If you just threw up, I’m sorry. Maybe you are far from ready to think about another asshole (or bitch) given that your heart is shattered. But in a few months from now, or a year or even more, the picture could look a lot different. When I truly didn’t care if I ever found love again, I met the love of my life. I was 49 years old. I am pinching myself because I never knew I could be this happy in a relationship. I’m not alone. I have heard this from countless divorced men and women. If you want it, it can happen to you, too.

Here’s the thing. On those days when you’re lying there and struggling for a reason to get out of bed, remember that if you don’t get out of bed, nothing will change. But if you do get out of bed, something good might happen today. Something positive will for sure happen, even if it’s something as simple as a delicious cup of coffee and a really pretty sunrise.

God loves you, your family and friends love you, but do you love you? Please love you. You deserve to love yourself and treat yourself with kindness and compassion. You will get through this painful time and life will get better. It takes three things: faith, patience and self-love.

]]>https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/the-brutal-pain-of-divorce-and-7-reasons-you-should-never-give-up-on-happiness/feed/06 Tips To Getting A Mortgage After Divorcehttps://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/6-tips-to-getting-a-mortgage-after-divorce/
https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/6-tips-to-getting-a-mortgage-after-divorce/#respondTue, 29 Jan 2019 16:59:53 +0000https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/?p=47302Continue reading "6 Tips To Getting A Mortgage After Divorce"]]>When I was going through my divorce several years ago, amongst the countless worries that kept me up at night was the fact that I wanted to stay in my home. But, even if I was fortunate enough to get the house in the divorce settlement, how would I go about getting a mortgage after divorce? I knew little about the process, AND I was not employed at the time. It was beyond stressful.

Jeremy Woods is a mortgage banker who has been in the business for 14 years. He also went through a divorce and is a single dad. Jeremy’s combination of knowledge in the industry and his relatable experience makes him a GREAT choice for those looking at getting a mortgage after divorce. Not to mention, Jeremy’s just a really great guy. He makes you feel comfortable, yet he’s professional and knowledgeable! Jeremy can do business is all 50 states, by the way.

Here is an article Jeremy wrote that might be helpful!

6 Tips To Getting A Mortgage After Divorce

By Jeremy Woods

Going through a divorce can be one of the most difficult times in your life—it was for me! While the stress you’re feeling is typical, it can sometimes be overwhelming, too. Whether it’s the legal process, your finances, the effect divorce is having on your child(ren), or the fact you may still be living in the same house as your spouse, there’s plenty to think about and deal with.

While it may not be your top priority, determining who is going to stay in the house and who is going to move out also needs to be addressed at some point. Regardless of which spouse remains in the home (REMAINING Spouse) and which spouse leaves the home (DEPARTING Spouse), both are possibly going to need a mortgage–the Remaining Spouse with a Refinance and the Departing Spouse with a Purchase.

Once you’ve made that decision, I recommend getting in touch with a Mortgage Banker as qualifying guidelines differ for divorcees based on many different things.

Here Are 6 Things To Know About Getting a Mortgage After Divorce (For Men AND Women).

1. Get Pre-Approved: Speak with a Mortgage Banker who can help you navigate through the process AND who understands what you are going through.

2. Protect Your Credit:Credit scores are very important when it comes to getting approved for a mortgage. The higher your score is the lower your rate can be. Make sure you continue paying ALL your bills on time! This is especially important if you don’t typically make the payments. If your spouse handles the financial aspects, you need to actively get involved. If you currently have a mortgage, confirm it continues getting paid on time—along with all other debts. Any derogatory marks on your credit report will negatively affect your credit score and could cause you problems trying to qualify for a loan.

3. Refinance one spouse off the mortgage: The spouse who’s staying in the house (Remaining Spouse) will likely have a set amount of time (per the divorce decree) to refinance the current mortgage for one or two reasons: 1) Departing spouse has to be removed from the current mortgage as he/she will not have ownership anymore, and (2) Remaining Spouse may have to pay the Departing Spouse a portion of the equity (in the home) by completing a “cash-out” refinance.

4. Receiving maintenance and/or child support: Typically proof of six (6) months receipt is required in order to count maintenance/child support as income—although sometimes 1 month receipt is allowed.

5. Counting maintenance and/or child support as income: The payments must continue to be received for at least 3 years after the date of the mortgage application.

6. Paying maintenance and/or child support: These payments will either be counted as debt OR subtracted from your income (depending on the situation).

Remember, as difficult as the divorce process is, you will get through it, and life will just get better and better. Be sure to surround yourself with close friends, including other divorced men and women who can offer support and encouragement. Divorce is difficult, but it does offer some unexpected gifts: wisdom, empowerment and courage you never realized you had.

Jeremy Woods (NMLS #112818) is a Senior Residential Mortgage Banker with CIBC. He has been in the industry for 14 years. A University of Wisconsin-Madison graduate, Woods can work with clients in all 50 states, handling both purchases and refinances for primary homes, second homes and investment properties. Learn more here, or email Jeremy: Jeremy.Woods@CIBC.com or call: (847) 691-7888. CIBC is an equal housing lender and member FDIC.

“It’s been a pleasure working with you. Thank you for your personal care, flexibility and heartfelt compassion. This was such a touchy situation and quite worrisome with all the changes for me. But you made it be smooth and your kind confidence helped me too.”—a recent email from one of Jeremy’s clients.

]]>https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/6-tips-to-getting-a-mortgage-after-divorce/feed/0A Divorced Woman’s Really Bad Datehttps://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/a-divorced-womans-really-bad-date/
https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/a-divorced-womans-really-bad-date/#commentsSat, 26 Jan 2019 14:01:23 +0000https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/?p=47294Continue reading "A Divorced Woman’s Really Bad Date"]]>One of my friends recently began online dating after divorce. She met a guy on Bumble a couple weeks ago and they went out last weekend. Turns out, it was a pretty bad date. I tell her story and offer my advice in this week’s Love Essentially.

When Did Men Stop Being Gentlemen?

by Jackie Pilossoph for Chicago Tribune Media Group

When it comes to men, I’m old school. I like a gentleman. I like a man who walks around and opens the car door for his date, a man who gives up his seat for a woman on the train, a man who asks a woman out on a date and pays for dinner, and a man who takes off his jacket and puts it on the woman he’s with if it’s cold outside.

So when my girlfriend told me about a date she had last Saturday night, I found myself cringing. Why? Because her date was anything but a gentleman.

Here’s what happened. My friend connected with a man on the popular dating app, Bumble. The two set up a dinner date in the city, close to where the guy lives. My friend lives in the suburbs, but said she enjoys driving to the city for a night out.

It was the night of the big snowstorm, so her drive was long and a little bit stressful. When she got to the restaurant, she found a metered spot close by, but was having trouble with her credit card payment. She decided to leave the car, go into the restaurant, and ask her date to come out and try the machine.

“You mean you want me to pay for your parking?” he asked.

This is the point when I probably would have said “Bu-bye,” but she didn’t.

“No, I’m just asking if you will take my credit card and see if you can get it to work,” she replied.

The guy obliged and headed outside. Second red flag: the guy (who had a short Uber ride to the restaurant) should not have accepted her card. He should have just paid with his own card.