A catholic priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants. "I go in at well past9.00 PM in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2.00 AM, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening." So the priest books them into a restaurant and come2.00 AM they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."And then the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. bar_stool"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," I say."I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all; I buy a drink; I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To whichthe little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discussGod, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know s**t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

Logged

Obi Wan Kanobi said. "I have never seen such a wretched hive of scum and villainy." Little did Obi Wan realize he was describing the National party.

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Logged

Obi Wan Kanobi said. "I have never seen such a wretched hive of scum and villainy." Little did Obi Wan realize he was describing the National party.

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road..... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up.

He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

On their wedding night, the young brideapproached her new husband and askedfor $20.00 for their first lovemakingencounter.

In his highly aroused state,her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they madelove, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was acute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals thatshe needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she wassurprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained thathis employer was going through a process of corporatedownsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to findanother position that paid anywhere near whathe'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book whichshowed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totallingnearly $1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by thebank which were worth over $2 million,and informed him that theywere one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more thanthree decades she had 'charged' him for sex,these holdings had multiplied and these were theresults of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investmentsworth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he couldbarely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know whento keep their mouths shut!

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched oftenBut push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

A healing minister was having a group payer and healing session. People turned up in their hundreds.After hours of prayer the minister chose 2 people to heal.They were introduced to the congregation.Mary was crippled from birth and John had a stutter."My brothers and sisters" said the minister, "by the power of God and our prayer I will cure out two bretheren here before you"He turned 1st to Mary laid his hands on her head and said,"Mary by the power of God I cure you, show your faith and throw away your crutchers."The he turned to Jonh, laid his hands on his head and said, "Jonh by the power of God, I loosen your tongue and cure you."Then thrusting a microphone in front of John he continued, "John, show your faith and say something for all to hear."John replied " M_m_m_Mary's f_f_f_fallen over." (sic)

A nurse walks into a bank exhausted after an 18 hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it, when she realises the mistake she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says "Well that's great...some ahole's got my pen."

Logged

Obi Wan Kanobi said. "I have never seen such a wretched hive of scum and villainy." Little did Obi Wan realize he was describing the National party.

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn, when she came upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.

She ate ........ and ate ... and then ... she ate some more!Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.

But alas .....she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.

She'd found a solution! She realized that if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.

So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle.Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?""Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.."How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked onin amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat satback on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

A young boy from Invercargill wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.The boy decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.When New Zealand post received the letter to God, in heaven, they decided to send it to the prime minister John Key.John Key suddenly thought brownie points and this would make him look like a saint in the press, he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill Mr Key thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.When the postie delivered the letter with the money to the boy he was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

>>> Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Wellington, and those crooks deducted $95.00 in taxes.

Logged

Obi Wan Kanobi said. "I have never seen such a wretched hive of scum and villainy." Little did Obi Wan realize he was describing the National party.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a liter of milk, a dozen eggs, a carton of orange juice, a head of lettuce, a jar of coffee, and a package of streaky bacon.

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."