I want to tell you that my eating disorder started super simply, and spiraled really quickly and I believe my early time as a blog reader contributed to that fact.

My heart was broken-isn’t that how they often start?- and I felt terrible about myself. I couldn’t eat or sleep, and naturally, I lost weight. I got positive affirmation from everyone around me- from my peers to my doctors. I decided to use my tragedy as a way to “change my life for the good” and my attempt to “get really healthy” slowly turned into a whole regimen of eating and exercise based around extreme fear of both food and my body. At my lowest weight I was 55 lbs. less than I am now, and I never once felt thin, at least not really. What I did feel was a gripping fear that I would gain weight.

My body was always on the brink of not good enough.

Not coincidentally, this is the point when I really started getting into food blogs. I had always enjoyed eating before, but my eating disorder made me literally obsessed with it, thinking about it every waking moment despite the fact that I wasn’t really connected to the idea of physical hunger anymore. I trolled healthy living blogs, vegan recipe blogs, raw vegan lifestyle blogs, low fat baking blogs, etc. with ferocious tenacity and procured a huge archive of recipes- which I never made. These bloggers were the closest people in my life and their food felt near and dear to my heart.

I did not need to eat, but I did need other people’s experiences of eating. I could not go out to dine with friends, but I could see pictures of women I did not know doing just that.

I have this huge memory deep in my sickness of being so invested in what other people were eating and posting that I literally had no life of my own. My free time was completely dedicated to scrolling through the web, with no real friends left to call. One common factor of all the blogs that I read was that they were geared toward weight loss (whether they overtly said so or not) and they focused on food fairly strictly, without too much info about the other things they had going on in their lives. Although many of the blogs I came across were obviously written by people with eating troubles, few mentioned it beyond highlighting weight loss.

Like a lot of things, I believe social media can be used as a tool of evil or a tool of good. Obviously I am currently a social media fan, because my business hinges on people finding me and resonating with my story. I myself am a blogger, a Pinterest user, a tweet-er and super stoked on Instagram. But it took a mental switch for me to be able to appropriately use these tools, and that switch required taking a break from being actively invested in food blogs. I had to create my own full life in order to witness the lives of others in a healthy and balanced way.

Although my recovery has been a shifty long and winding road, I did notice early on that when I was focusing less on blogs of people I did not know, I focused much more on creating my own experiences. When I stopped being inundated with images of oatmeal, I started feeling a little free-er to do my own thing- like, I dunno, eat a fucking tofu scramble or something. Taking a break from social media allowed me to stop being such a busy body about every aspect of other people’s food and focus on myself. I am not saying I got instantly better when I stopped reading food blogs, but I am saying that it helped.

Think of it like this: if you go out dancing when you feel fly, you are likely to have an excellent time cutting a rug with your friends. If you go out dancing when you’re stuck in a negative body image thought loop, you’re likely to find yourself comparing yourself to others all night, AKA having no fucking fun. Blogging and reading blogs are very similar.

I got back into blogs and blogging once I was more deeply into my recovery and started to have a larger sense of self. It seemed that in my time away from being an avid blog reader, the blogging world had shifted (or perhaps it was just that my attention shifted.) I found vegan blogs that talked about the intersection of feminism and veganism. I found body positivity blogs. I found exercise blogs based on power instead of body composition. None of the new blogs that I read focused on weight loss, and there was significantly more CONTENT to grab onto. My previous experience as a blog reader had been driven by extreme hunger. This new experience of blog reading was driven by more of a hunger for knowledge. How did people manage to lift those weights? How did that person recover from bulimia and learn to actually love themselves? How did that person embrace their fat body and go on to fucking kill it? I needed to know, and not only did I want to read inspiring stories, I wanted to become a part of the dialogue. That’s what Super Strength Health was born out of.

Being an active participant in blogging is much different than being a passive observer. It is significantly more risky and scary and also much, much more fun. When I decided to start Super Strength Health, I knew I wanted to approach the subject of food and body with positivity and compassion. I remembered how I’d seen all those food blogs that gave me no real context for other people’s lives and how they hadn’t been exactly great for me to read. I knew I would want to write recipes, but I decided that I would be talking about my recovery, too. I speak of my body and my struggles candidly, with an intention to always focus on what is working over what isn’t, because that is ultimately what I think is best for struggling readers and also for myself. Just the act of writing this blog has helped me to delve deeper into my recovery. Each post has not only helped me to stop treating myself like shit, but also to actually start liking myself.

I have heard people say terrible things about my openness with my life on my blog, and I have heard people say that my writing has helped them to choose a life of health over a life of eating disorder bullshit. I choose to focus on the positive! I think the risk of being open and honest on a public platform is absolutely worth it and is intrinsically linked to the fact that I like my life. I still troll blogs sometimes on a Friday night, but now its not because I’m hungry, isolated, and alone- it is because I feel a part of a community and I love hearing what my peers have to say. Once I cast my voice into the ring of health and wellness bloggers, I allowed myself the opportunity to come into myself more, to hone my own voice, my own tastes, and my own opinions.

I think anyone could benefit from taking the risk to publish their own content, and if you (yes YOU!) decide to do so and need a little support, I am your girl.

I will read your links.

I will repost your stories.

I will defend you from turds who become adversarial.

I will talk your shit up, up and down the information super highway!

Because I think the healthiest way to be a blog reader is to also be a blog writer! Plus I want to hear your radical, fun, awkward, scared, nervous, empowered, body positive story. It will be good for all of us, and I’d much appreciate the opportunity to get to know you more.

25 Responses

Love this post. I think that people discussing the ills of social media and how it is shaping our current culture and affecting people, esp people’s reliance/dependence/addiction to it, is certainly not talked about enough. It has been one of my goals as of late to use the Internet for good, not sliding into comparisonitis or bad feelings. Eep!

It can be hard right?! Like sometimes I just have to extract the iPhone from my hand and go outside to live a little. I love being a part of the WWW, but I also feel the need to critique its wiley ways.

Love you, girl. ALSO CAN WE TALK ABOUT YOUR GUNZ, ’cause that was one thing I saw on the net that made me smile ear to ear.

Vegan food blogs were one of the main catalysts for me to embrace the lifestyle and ethic of veganism. I read Choosing Raw, and learned that veganism wasn’t just for the animals, it was for me too. I don’t know that I have ever had an official eating disorder, but my relationship to food has not always been good. I overeat, eat when I’m emotional, eat when I’m bored, eat when I’m tired. I eat and eat and eat, but not because I’m hungry. Veganism gave me the opportunity to have my food mean something, and instead of me eating to squash my emotions, I started eating to heal my body.

I love your blog, and I’ve been reading it for quite a while now. Sometimes I re-read posts, and they reassure me if I’m having a stressful day. Your story inspires me to keep working on my story, no matter how hard it is. I started a blog at the end of last year to keep myself accountable to cooking whole plant foods, instead of reaching for processed convenience foods. Every time I hit publish it’s kindof terrifying, but it has made me cook more!

YES< I am so excited to check your blog. My writing kind of functions similarly for me! Like no matter what kind of shit-ass day I am having, I can't allow myself to slide into negative self talk or bad behaviors. I have an accountability to my readers as well as myself, and that means the world to me.

I’ve been reading your blog for a long time, but have never commented before. But this post really spoke to me– and encouraged participation, so here goes! I’ve been vegan for about 10 years. It has been a constant through so many different body shapes and attitudes toward my body. I’ve been a compulsive eater and vegan, anorexic and vegan, and now… I’m a vegan trying to muddle through having a healthy relationship to my body, my food, my political system, and the world around me. And, truly, the way that you talk about the complexity of “recovery” (so often made simplistic in dominant narratives) is one of the things that helps me keep coming back to myself with tenderness and care. We are our bodies. We are in relationships with our bodies. And there is so much in this world that tells us (women, in particular) to fear and hate our bodies. And I know that I’ve absorbed much of that, but, seriously, fuck it. It’s a process, but fuck it. Seeing your honesty, acknowledging the worthiness and difficulty of self-love, and celebrating what eating food can be… it’s great. So, I’m participating. Because you’re helping to create a space that I want to be in.

OMG I feel this so hard. I always say I have had every eating disorder under the sun, all while being vegan. Also, I was vegan 10 years before my eating disorder took root, and now for years after. It’s complicated! Having a healthy relationship with your body, your food, your political systems….its all so intense! I am truly sorry about the struggle, but so glad to know I haven’t been the only one.

It was such a pleasure to meet you at Vida Vegan Con! Your talk was so great and it left me feeling raw and enlightened all at once. I was really touched that you took the time out to speak to me afterwards.
It is so overwhelming trying to achieve balance in this world and I thought it was damn near impossible. Some days are good and some days are bad but not everyday is bad. Dealing with compulsive overeating is difficult since I feel it isn’t an eating disorder discussed as frequently as others. When reaching out to my support team, people think that I just being hard on myself for eating a plate of unhealthy food but they don’t understand that I don’t only want that food but I need it. People think I am just being indulgent once in a while but they don’t feel that buzzing anxiety I feel when someone opens a package of processed food. It seems likes no one wants to hear an average sized girl talking about having a eating disorder. Like how dare I claim to have one when I seem to look “normal”? They look at my body instead of hearing my words or trying to feel what I am feeling. You are honest, empathetic and make me feel worthy of my feelings. You are truly inspirational and I thank you for your talk and site.

Girl, you are amazing. I was so touched by your story and so happy you chose to share a little piece of it with me. Let’s keep this dialogue going! Chances are, some of your readers are going through what you’re going through and would be incredibly grateful to hear a dialogue happen.

Either way, I am now SO excited to know of your blog. THOSE PHOTOS ARE BEAUTIFUL. Holy shit. You make me wanna step my food photography game up so hard! Its so amazing how inspired I feel by VVC and I am super stoked to feel like team-vegan-lady-blogger-working-on-their-self-esteem is only getting larger and larger.

Hi Lacy!! Never commented before, but I was SO happy to meet you and hear you speak at VVC! I’ve struggled with the issue of comparing myself to some bloggers and they way they present themselves online (although I didn’t voice it very well in your talkback, haha) and you are and have been a huge inspiration to me. Thanks for your honest approach and all that you do!

Hey Lacy! I just stumbled upon your blog and I am so glad I did! It’s kind of funny, because I don’t know you but I feel a connection (probably because we have almost the same name and therefore you are cooler than anyone who isn’t also named Lac(e)y – also my mom’s last name is Davis so even better), and I really loved this post. I too went vegan at 14 and have struggled with disordered eating, and have been caught up in blogs for just as long. This year I went to college (in santa cruz too!) and it is the first time I’ve really focused on getting out of that mind set – being more comfortable with my body, embracing being strong and healthy, etc. I had a blog at one point, but I stopped writing because I realized that I wasn’t presenting the real me, I needed to get out of my own head before I could put myself out there, and I really admire you and your blog for being real. Anyway I just wanted to comment and say “hey, you seem awesome” and I can’t wait to hear more of what you have to say.

I love love LOVED your talk at VVC, and I think this topic is so important, so thank you for bringing it up here as well. As I said during the q&a, this is something I have come up against both as a blog reader (my own shit) and as a blog writer. I never, ever want to be an “envy peddler”, but I have had blog readers (long ago, not so much any more and that’s because of the efforts I’ve made, I think) tell me that my blog contributed to their unhealthy relationship with their own self-image and with the blogosphere in general. I’ve also worked with clients who have incredibly similar stories to yours – falling down that rabbit hole of “aspiration” ( comparing and always falling short) and eventual isolation. I’ve heard this story again and again and although I adore the blogging world and find so much value here, I also see this dangerous and destructive other side.

Nowadays, I work hard to paint a more honest picture. I love to inspire people, but never want to seem perfect or without my own SHIT. Because lord knows I gots it, like we all do, and I think that’s actually sort of inspiring in its own way.

I know when I brought this up at your talk, you said that the responsibility is as much on the blog reader as it is on the blog writer. And I agree with that, in theory (and appreciate that you said it), but still – I feel an immense weight of responsibility to my readership, to not become a part of the problem. To not become another in a sea of glossy catalogue blogs which pitch perfection, consumerism, unrealistic body standards, and a completely impractical lifestyle. And for some reason I find that harder than you’d think.

Anyway, so thanks for opening this conversation up. It’s so important.

I have definitely been thinking about this question since you asked it, and so much so that I know I will need to write a post on it in the future. Part of what I have always loved about your blog is how real I perceive it to be (maybe I came late to the game so didn’t see any overtly polished stuff). You have never described a “perfect” life but you HAVE always focused on what is positive and lovely. I think that combo is really helpful for people! Like, yeah you may not have a ton of money, school may be challenging, the renting/housing situation might be a struggle but that doesn’t mean you don’t take the time to be mindful around the things you love (that kid! that garden! that partner!). Ultimately, I think blogging can be used to promote a sort of culture of mindfulness while still being real as hell- which is something I think you and I both strive for. I know that I have used blogs as a measuring stick for my own life in the past, but at some point I realized that most bloggers are just taking a little moment to enjoy what they DO have and I can do the same for what I have. Couching it as a mindfulness exercise really works for me. (Incidentally, if I find a blog unrelateable or boring I usually end up unfollowing- I think in my mind “boring” is chalked up to dishonesty around having struggle- I want some of the grit!)

I really enjoyed reading this post and it actually got me thinking alot about my own habits and even thought I am “recovered” i feel I still hold on to alot of negative behaviors. I know that I still use social media too often and will find myself mindlessly looking through other peoples lives when I’m bored… I struggle with finding the right balance. I feel I’m either too one way or another.

Love this post, Lacy! Super well said. Stoked to hear you back on R&R soon with a full recap of your talk! I definitely get the criticism about openness on the blog–It’s something that I’ve been struggling with myself lately as I’m trying to balance my professional and blogging lives in tandem. I always love your honesty here–I know that’s scary and can be daunting when you get weird/negative responses but I wholeheartedly think that the good you’re doing outweighs all of the weirdos/trolls/a-holes. Thanks for the post–definitely what I needed to read this week!

[…] and she’s written a few blog posts since she’s been back that relate to this topic: Veganism, Body Image, Eating Disorder Recovery, and the Blog-o-sphere and Clean is for underwear, not food. That’s good readin’, […]

Just for kicks, I wanted to share my own story. I’ve only written about my Orthorexia once, but damn was it an important step in my recovery. Every day it’s a decision to chose recovery, but knowing we’re not in it alone makes it so much easier! Sending you virtual hugs and thanks :)