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Now before I go into this part let me hit a little more on the dynamic that is Nails and Sorta. We are VERY affectionate people with one another. We hold hands or have our arms around each other. We make out in public. For the most part we can not keep our hands off of each other soooooo when at one point when Nails was sitting up on the deck railing watching one of the other bands and he pulled Giggles to him and not me it was all I could do to not break down in tears. I wanted to die. In that moment I unleashed all the fears I had been holding on since Poison had come around. I was not enough for Nails. I was not sexy enough, I was not girlie enough, I was not woman enough and not only had I opened the door to the enemy, I had thrown her a freakin’ welcome party.

Fortunately I was so deep in my shell that the things I felt did not once show on my face, plastic smiles can be very convincing, especially for a woman who had been a drama major in her younger days. I had done this and I had no right to stop it. I had made it ok for Nails to act on things I knew in that moment he had always wanted even though he had so valiantly said other wise the last 15 years of our marriage. I was disgusted that I had kept him away from the things he had wanted and that out of loyalty and need not to be like his cheating father Nails had remained faithful and unhappy. I realize now I was just in an ugly place that my insecurities were mine and really Nails had done nothing wrong. It wasn’t like I nicely excused us and then asked him to stop. He was doing what people do, he was given a new toy and he wanted to play with it.

Now this is where I have to defend Giggles. She tried several times to make me a part of their snuggle sessions, I’d let her a moment and then pull away. This was a big benefit, we had lots of friends there, I didn’t want to be bombarded with questions I couldn’t answer, that I didn’t want to answer. People were watching Nails and Giggles then looking at me, I would just smile and shrug and lift my bottle of beer to my lips as if to say, “He’s drunk what can I do.” People knowing us just took it as Nails being Nails playing the Rockstar and that’s what I needed them to think.

Nails finally decided it was time to leave. Nails had his truck full of gear so he said he’d drive Manson and Giggles could ride with me…umm no really that’s ok… I didn’t want to be alone with her. I was too worried all the insecure little thoughts would slip out. She was still my muse after all I didn’t want her tarnished. She brings up the night before sorta nervously and I just chuckled not know what to say and then she floors me. I almost slammed on my breaks in the middle of the road. She tells me that was the first time she had ever done anything with a woman, well unless you count the woman who kissed her on her last birthday.

So here we are, my insecurities brimming and she wants to tell me I’m the first woman she’s ever been physical with, the first she’s ever wanted to be physical with. I should have been flattered, I wasn’t. Instead I started seeing it all as a conspiracy. She wanted Nails, Nails talks me up all night Friday about how much she’ll love me how much we need to hang out and then…then she kisses me. It was all to get to him. Do I believe my husband is all that where a woman would plot to have him? Yes I do but what’s worse is I don’t trust women, they are conniving creatures who will do what they can to get what they want and this was in that moment exactly who I believed Giggles to be. My muse was more then tarnished, I suddenly realized she was nothing more then a troll dolled up in drag and trying to steal what was mine. I want to turn the car around and take her back to the hotel but I knew that wasn’t fair to Nails and despite what I’m feeling or how I’m hurting I will always sacrifice me to make sure he is happy. In that moment SHE was his happy.

Well in all fairness I had plenty of liquid courage. I think in a normal state of mind I would have been to busy thinking about it to actually kiss her back so I guess for once Tequila worked in my favor

The blog is really to help me get a little more insight into things. When I write I look at things from all angles, try to get into the heads of the people I'm writing about instead of my own doubt filled mind. I still struggle, I'm not going to lie. I've never been a jealous person and yet from time to time I find myself being that way. The good news or at least I think it's good news is that I'm not just jealous or insecure when it comes to Nails, I'm the same way with Giggles. It's harder for me to flirt with her sometimes cause it's just been a really long time since I've done that with anyone but my husband and yet he falls into it so easily. Well d'uh he's a guy and he flirts constantly with women. Me it's just new and I feel awkward sometimes and so does she so we both throw each other out of whack. Thing is she and I are both willing to work out the kinks so this works.

I find it really interesting that not once do you speculate that it could have been YOU who she was trying to get close to, instead of your husband. He spoke enthusiastically about you, she (it sounds like) keeps trying to get closer to you, and yet....do you not believe it might be you she is crushing on?

In the beginning no. I've come along way since then. Not going to lie I'm one of those women who thinks their husband is the man every woman would bend over backwards to have. I don't view myself like that at all, but that's one of my own personal battles. I have low self esteem. It's haunted me my whole life, my sister was the pretty one and I was the funny one. I know I have a kick ass personality, I never doubt how people feel about me after they know me but I don't think I'm a person most people are instantly attracted to soooo to have a woman, especially a seemingly straight woman suddenly want me, no that didn't seem plausible.

So there I was in what I felt like was a serious dilemma and I did what I always do, I sacrificed what I was feeling for Nails and continued forward to my home with the woman I was then certain would ruin my marriage. Now let me add a little in here cause I feel like I’m making Nails look like he takes advantage of my giving personality. He doesn’t at all. I mainly take things and stuff them deep deep inside of me. I have this need to make the people around me happy and unfortunately I often hurt myself to do it. I have always been that way, since I was a little girl and I honestly don’t see it changing anytime soon.

Ok so…as I was saying the night for the most part was uneventful except for one point where Manson announced that the night before he was going to fuck me. …Er what? Now maybe I should have mentioned this before but I didn’t. At one point we were in the pool and someone grabbed me from behind and placed their hand between my legs. This was before Giggles had kissed me and things were still just a bunch of drunks splashing around in the hotel pool. Anyway, maybe I’m naďve but I had thought it was Nails, I mean he does stuff like that all the time. I leaned back expecting to feel my husband’s chest and instead I was greeted by a scruffy beard on my shoulder. Now normally this would have lead to someone getting a pretty decent left hook, but drunken Sortafairytale tends to get nervous then angry and I just quickly swam away.

So here we are in MY kitchen in MY home and I have creepy Manson telling me that I had full on wanted to spread my legs for him. I was flabbergasted I looked for to Nails for support but there is only one thing wrong with my drunken Nails…he finds humor in my anger and floundering around because he sees it so rarely. Giggles was no where to be found, Nails was laughing hysterically, and Manson’s face was begging for a left hook. I took a deep breath and as nicely as possible put it to him straight. “You never stood a chance! No offense Manson but my husband is a king at slinging me the dick I don’t see any man swaying me away from him.” Ok so it was sorta bitchy but COME ON really!

Sadly what I should have taken as a drunken man’s false boast, my mind twisted into a conspiracy. Had that been the plan? Manson would try to get me and then Giggles could have Nails? Was that why she kissed me because Manson couldn’t bring it home? I know I know I can be paranoid but this was all new territory for me and frankly my system was shocked. I wasn’t thinking like me, Nails wasn’t acting like Nails…it was all a lot to take in.

The rest of the night went on pretty uneventful. Giggles and Manson crashed on the couches and I took them back to the hotel the next morning. I went home and I went back to sleep. I think Nails had tried to talk about things at one point but I didn’t want to. I can’t tell you I was afraid of what he would say or if I was afraid of what I would say. Either way we didn’t talk a lot about it.

Before I go much further I feel the need to defend Nails in the next few things that I write. I know I keep doing that but I can’t help it. I start to write and I know I make him seem like a terrible selfish ass and while yes at times he can be that he isn’t that way all the time and never really intentionally. I’m trying to write all of this from the place I was during that time and while he and Giggles were experiencing NRE for the most part, I was not. I wouldn’t let myself because I was too busy feeling like I was losing something. No one was really the bad guy in any of this, no one was the good guy, we were just three people caught up in something none of us could have ever predicted and emotions were high…very high.

Nails and I have never been fighters. I mean we’ve had little spats but nothing damaging and unfortunately there was damage done over the last year on his part and on mine. Last night we were lying in bed and Nails asked me if I thought other couples had sex as much as we do. I laughed and said I don’t know but if that don’t I guess it could explain why marriages don’t last. He then said that he can’t imagine living in a relationship with constant drama and constant conflict. He said the last year has been hard on him because of the fights we’ve had and I agreed it had been hard on me too but we had worked through it we will always work through it, our communication is too strong not to.

So there we were smack dab in the middle of…in the middle of…ummm. I couldn’t tell you. Giggles began messaging me on Monday and we started talking. I don’t remember a lot of what was said just mainly both of us going “I never this” or “I never that”. I’m a little foggy on most of this because it was just talk, normal getting to know someone type of talk. Nails and I talked and it I know we got pretty deep. I couldn’t tell him what I wanted from all of this but I knew I needed to take it slow. He said he understood. We invited Giggles out on Saturday to come to one of Nail’s shows with us and stay at the house. It was one of the rare weekends where he only plays Saturday and not both Friday and Saturday. Seemed easy enough, taking things slow right? I had said she could sleep in one of the kid’s rooms or the couch but I didn’t want to make it about sex because well…I just didn’t know.

I explained to Giggles that I had planned on spending Friday night working on classes but she was free to come out as early as she would like on Saturday. I settled at my desk to work on homework and my dad and brother showed up unannounced for beers, followed not too much later by a few of Nail’s friends and the next thing you know it’s a party. I am the queen of guilt and even though I hadn’t lied to Giggles I felt like if I didn’t invite her out as well that I was being dishonest somehow…Listen I never said my mind wasn’t warped. Anyway, I called Giggles explained the night had turned into a party and if she wanted to she could go ahead and come over a night early. She agreed.

My dad and brother had been at the bar the night things had started with Giggles so they were already aware of the situation and Nails’ friends are pretty open minded so I thought it would all be fine. I made the mistake however of not taking drunken Nails into consideration. My big hang up with having her sleep in our room that weekend was because my kids were home. I just wasn’t ready for that talk, especially not even knowing myself what that talk should be.

At one point after Giggles arrived she disappeared into the house, Nails started asking me if she could stay in the room. My response was acid laced glares that would normally make a grown man shake in his boots…drunken Nails however is immune. I tried another approach as he asked again, stating I didn’t want that with the kids home. He being Nails said our kids are open minded and they just wouldn’t give a shit, besides they’re boys. I just continued to glare. So he took it upon himself to call Stitch(16) downstairs and the conversation went something like this.

Nails: “Hey Stitch…Becky is mom’s girlfriend, are you ok with that?”
Stitch: -blink blink- “Um I don’t care.” –blink blink-
Nails: -looks at me- “See told you he doesn’t care if she sleeps in the room!”
And then Stitch made and exit as fast as his feet could carry him.

There I was with my back against the wall and I gave in. I’m weak I can’t lie. I have a hard time telling Nails no. So Giggles came to our room. Side note I had made a few rules the week before this all started and really there were only two. One they could not actually have sex until Giggles got herself on birth control. (I am super paranoid about condoms, my oldest son is what I affectionately call “Rubber Made”). Two was that they could not be alone together. (still a rule that I am enforcing for my own comfort, selfish of me? Perhaps but it’s my rule.)

Anyway, so we fooled around and it was at first ok but then it all just went nuts. Giggles and I were both very unsure what to do with each other so right or wrong I let Nails take the lead. I was very aware of my kids down the hall and as much as I tried it was hard to put my head full in it. Most of Nails attention was placed on Giggles and less on me. It was something I had tried to prepare myself for. I mean he has me all week, hell he’s had just me the last 17 years of course he would rather focus on the new toy.

I kept my mouth focused on hers and tried not to think to much about what he was doing with her or how long he was doing it. I then decided to shift my attention to Nails and much to my heartbreak, he physically pushed my head away from him as I tried to please him orally. I was stunned and for a minute thought maybe I had hurt him or something, I mean he’d never done that before if anything he begs for it. Then he shifted himself away from me and drew his attention even more into her. I was mortified. Every fear I had about them was playing out in front of me and I didn’t want to watch any more so I got up and I left.

I went into the bathroom in the hall rather then our master because I needed away from them. I didn’t want to hear if they stopped, I didn’t want to know anything. I hadn’t been drinking and the two of them were pretty drunk. I was a little surprised that it didn’t take Nails very long to be knocking on the bathroom door asking if I was ok. I assured him that I was and didn’t elaborate. That pretty much brought the nights activities to an end and when I came back in the room the two of them were on opposite sides of the bed with the space in the middle opened up for me. I crawled in and kept my mouth shut, I didn’t sleep at all that night…actually in the beginning, I didn’t sleep at all most of the nights we were all first together. Was I paranoid? Maybe but my gut kept telling me something wasn’t right.

So…I don't even know how to go about this. I don't know if I just need to vent or if I'm looking for advice or what at this point. My triad is fine. I'm not really having issues with it as much as I'm having issues with the husband and I just don't know what to do about it this time. So during the day we are all in a three way Facebook chat. Nails (the hubby) is always putting up bondage pics. Now keep in mind it is nothing we have ever done nor is it something I'm anywhere near ready for but he likes them so fine. I think some of them are hot but there's a big difference to me with liking the way a rope falls over a sexy body and wanting to tie someone up or be tied up yourself. Giggles (the gf) isn't so much into the idea herself. So…this is how the conversation went down today excluding the pics he used.

Nails: I think Giggles needs to go in time out...this weekend -insert pic of naked woman bound to a chair-
Sortafairytale: no rope play until you know for sure what you're doing LOL
Nails: -insert pic of a broken dam over flowing- Oh I know what I'm gonna do...
Giggle: Haha…
Nails: -insert pick of girl bound in pink tape- We can just get pink tape instead
Giggles: Noooooo...lol
Sortafairytale: it doesn't stick to the body becks only to itself. Much safer then actual rope
Nails: Lol its not ducktape...But ducktape would be harder to get out of
Giggles: Uhhhhh...still no. Lol
Nails: -insert pic of under bed restrain with horrible unsexy pic of woman on the front that Nails knows I detest-
Sortafairytale: I fucking hate that picture...soooo not sexy
Nails: Scared???? Fuck the pic. Its the product
Sortafairytale: and this is where I duck out cause this is a conversation that doesn't include me LOL
Nails: Yes its does
Sortafairytale: no it doesn't
Nails: Cuz your doing it I'm just watching...Mistress
Sortafairytale: Yeah no...that's your thing
Nails: Yeah yes
-pause-
Never mind
-pause-
Later
--pause…side conversation between Nails and I in a separate chat-
-insert pic of a Taxi cause I am currently without a car and Nails is my ride-
-pause for 10 minutes-
-insert pic of the movie Good Girl-
Awwww look its a movie for dawn
Sortafairytale left the conversation.

As for our side chat it went like this first on FB then on text:
Sortafairytale: oh don't start this crap
-pause-
Seriously
Nails: Seriously
Sortafairytale: This isn't fair
Nails: You're right its not…is it. So with that being said is why I checked out cuss it wasn't fair
Sortafairytale: Because I said no?
Nails: All in the shit way you do it. Nevermind about it all and no its not my thing won't ever come up again
-pause-
pussy ass cry baby…Really left conversation
Sortafairytale: Yep. I'm not going to sit there while u attempt to treat me like an uptight bitch
Nails: Ummm well stop being an uptight bitch then…and you won't get treated that way
Sortafairytale: Wow thanks babe really
Nails: And don't fuckin' be rude to me and all will be fine…rude

I stopped talking then and tried to call him because to me things get misunderstood a lot with texting. Tone in a conversation means so much and a simple LOL doesn't always convey that you're teasing.

Was I upset about the bondage stuff, no. I don't deny him his things and I don't shut him down. All I meant by my comment was I don't want to be tied up and I don't want to tie anyone up so this is now a game for you and the girlfriend..ha ha ha what he heard or at least what I think he heard was: "Yeah fuck you i'm not fucking doing that and so I'm leaving cause fuck off!!!" What's so frustrating to me is how he does this big pouty "I'm taking my toys and going home" thing and then treats me like I did something wrong. WTF. ok i guess I just needed to vent. I know this just threw my entire blog out of order but seriously…I'm so annoyed right now and hurt I just had to get it down and out of my head!

The moment you realize your unicorn isn't all she makes you think really sucks. When we are at our end of town if I even slightly treat her as a friend and not a girlfriend she freaks on me but....take me to her neck of the woods and if I touch her at all like a girlfriend she pulls away from me unless it's some place secluded...but she has no problem touching the hubby like he is hers. What's that about?