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Thursday, June 19, 2014

When Answered Prayers Don't Make Sense

When my husband left, I fixated on how this was my fault. I was a stupid 18/19 year old girl who made stupid decisions and ignored stupid red flags. I was simply stupid.

I would tell my therapist this every week. Why couldn't I have chosen differently? Why couldn't I have asked him more questions? Why couldn't I have known better? And she would always tell me, "Suzanne, you need to forgive yourself for not knowing then what you know now."

Deep down, I knew that. I knew there was no way I could've known better. I was young and in love. He was attractive and a genuinely nice person and he treated me with love and respect. I ignored red flags because I didn't recognize them as red flags until now. I couldn't have known what I know now.

And the most confusing part of all of this was that I prayed about whether I was supposed to marry him and I received very strong Spiritual answers that he was to be my husband. So young and stupid or not, I had done what I thought was the best decision for my life.

This made me angry for a while after filing for divorce. How could this have been right? Why would I receive an answer to prayer to marry this man and then have him hurt me the way that he did?

And I've come to a few conclusions.

I received an answer to prayer to marry him because it was right to marry him.

He had free agency and could do with that whatever he wanted. He could choose to leave me, even if it was right to marry me.

I think that's something I've always had a hard time with and something my Heavenly Father is trying to teach me through trials. Sometimes Satan's plan of control looks really appealing to me. I like having control in my life and free agency just kind of freaks me out because nothing is certain!

Satan's plan probably would've made it so I'd still be married but I wouldn't have the intelligence or the trust in God that I have and I'd probably be more confused as to what my purpose on earth is.

No matter how easy Satan's plan would be, easy doesn't make it good.

I still have sincere faith that I received an answer to prayer 8 years ago that I was supposed to marry my husband for time and all eternity. I look back and when I think about the promptings and feelings I had, I don't blame myself for the choices I made---because they were still right.

And maybe it confuses you but when I prayed and fasted over whether I should file those divorce papers, I received a strong Spiritual answer that it needed to happen. I don't usually make life changing decisions without consulting the person who knows what my future holds and although my answered prayers seem to contradict one another, I have faith that they were both the right thing at the right time. Because the man I married was not the man I divorced.

It all ended kind of sucky but that's ok. I have learned to be ok with free agency for others because I wouldn't want to trade my own free agency for anything. I love having the opportunity to learn and grow and find out who I am and why I'm here.

Divorce isn't as scary as I thought it would be. From the outside looking in, divorce kind of looked like a death sentence. It was something I feared since the beginning of my marriage when things got hard. It was this dark cloud that loomed over me when he moved out of our home.

But divorce isn't the end. Divorce has taught me that I can have new beginnings any time I want. I can wake up any day and decide to start something new. I can make things happen in my life. I can put a genuine smile on my face. I am in control of how I feel and what I do. And from the outside looking in, people might be confused that I'm "dealing" with this so well and it's ok that they don't know what I've been through and what I'm going through. It's ok that they don't see the dark nights and that they think I'm super strong and amazing all of the time.

I'm sure my parents prayed about whether they were supposed to get married too, and it ended in divorce. I'm sure my mom also saw signs that she didn't realize were signs until after the fact, when the pieces started falling into place. As hard as some of that was for them, and for us, I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. Us missing our dad made those moments with him even more memorable and exciting. The trials that we went through financially with my mom showed us how to work hard, be frugal, and to appreciate her for everything she did for us. I gained 2 wonderful step-parents that have both taught me so much and loved me and my children, and half & step-siblings. The Lord knows from the beginning of time what will happen in our lives, every moment, every trial that we need to come closer to him. I'm glad you listened to the spirit because otherwise I never would have met you :)