I had a whole diatribe written before the mailbag but then my computer turned off and I lost most of it. Anyway, how did Week 1 go for you? Did you get enough flag-humping pseudo patriotism to last you until Thursday? Did you cry with rage when the Patriots raised their banner and then weep with joy when they got smoked by the Chiefs? Did you engage in a twitter beef about who the real racists are? Were you bored to tears watching the Sunday night game? Did you commit any crimes?

My primary league team completely shit the bed. I had to start Eli Manning (whom I wrongly predicted would have a huge bounceback year) because the league cancelled the Tampa Bay v. Miami game. Also, right before kickoff, I dropped the Philly Defense (24.50) points in favor of the Chargers Defense (9.00) points. But fear not, because Week One means nothing. You gotta get back on that horse! Dust yourself off! Insert trite saying here!

So anyway, if you’re sitting on questions, please send them my way.

Fantasy: Rams D looks good under Wade. Will they rank among the NFL’s Elite squads or is IND just that bad?

Both. Wade is a great defensive coordinator and the Rams defense will be good and is worth an every week start. But they feasted on Scott Tolzien. They won’t score two touchdowns every week. It’s very hard to draft an elite defense and half the time when you think you’ve drafted an elite defense, they end up not being as elite as they were the year before. For that reason, I like to stream defenses week to week depending on the matchup. This year, I’ll be trying to pick up defenses every week that are playing against the Jets, Bills, Texans, and Indy as long as Luck remains sidelined. Those teams suck and defenses will do bad things to them.

Law: Neighbor keeps stealing irrigation water from me (I prepay the irrigation company then get a set schedule of my time to open my valve to receive the water — we all share the pipe so it’s as simple as the neighbor just opening his valve when water is in it) and my other neighbors. We’ve reached the point where we actually call the cops now because these people (the thieves) won’t answer their door to any neighbors. Of course, they don’t answer when the cops come either so, basically, they’re without consequence. I have police reports (including notes from the cop observing the open valve/theft) and time stamped videos of them taking water. I’m planning on filing against them in small claims court but a year’s worth of water only costs $100 — so the actual cost of the water is very little to me but the value of it — that is, what it would cost me in tap water purchases to maintain my lawn/trees at an equivalent level of a full irrigation order — is far greater. Two questions: (a) How should I present my claim to generate maximum damage to my neighbor? Honestly, at $100/year, I just want the asshole to see paying for his own water as a better option than stealing from me. (b) Assuming they don’t pay the judgement (if I win), is there a vehicle for me to tag the judgement to a lien on their house? (Sidenote: I’m actually a very nice guy and neighborly person. These fucking people just operate on a ‘over-my-dead-body’ approach to anything and, frankly, there is no place for them in a civilized society.

Oh man, bad neighbors are the worst.

If this were from an underground aquifier, you’d have zero remedy at law because in ‘Murica, you take what runs through your land without regard to consequence. But, it appears from what you describe that you have some sort of contractual relationship and possibly easements that allows you and each of your neighbors to draw water at specified times. The point of contract law is to make the parties to a contract whole. This means that when a contract is breached, the remedy is to put the wronged party in the same position as he would have been had all the parties acted as they agreed to. Your damages are what you paid for the water, plus the reasonable cost of any damage to your property stemming from the lack of water that you paid for. You can sue your neighbor for theft and possibly tortious interference with a contract. But it’s not that simple: your real beef is with the irrigation company who is in breach for failing to deliver what was promised to you. If you only have a contractual relationship with your irrigation company, your remedy is to sue the irrigation company. They, in turn, should sue and press criminal charges against your d-bag neighbor for theft. The most effective way to get the irrigation company’s attention is to band together with your cool neighbors and sue the irrigation company for breach of contract and failing to enforce the terms of its agreement with both you and with your thieving POS neighbor. Your irrigation company can’t just sit there and say “well, we’ve tried to do what we can.” That’s bullshit. They have a duty to enforce the terms of the agreements they’ve made. Get their attention and let them deal with the neighbor.

I’ve always wondered how far out of ones jurisdiction can a police officer go to pursue a criminal. Like, can an Illinois State Trooper make an arrest in Indiana (apart from a pursuit situation like in “Smokey and the Bandit”). I am far to lazy to look this up.

Usually, an officer can only make an arrest within his own jurisdiction. So a CPD officer can only make an arrest within the city of Chicago, a Cook County Sheriff’s Deputy can only arrest within Cook County, and an Illinois State Trooper can arrest anywhere within the state. Often, states and municipalities will make agreements or pass laws allowing police officers to enter their jurisdictions in order to arrest suspects and in densely populated areas, it’s fairly common for these agreements to exist. And there are some exceptions, such as California, where a police officer can arrest a suspect anywhere in the state so long as the crime was committed within his jurisdiction.

Other exceptions include the doctrine of fresh pursuit. This allows police to cross jurisdictional territory in order to effectuate an arrest so long as they are in current pursuit of a suspect who is fleeing from their jurisdiction. Some states have limits on “fresh pursuit.” For instance, California only allows out of state officers to make an arrest in a “fresh pursuit” if the suspect is being charged with felony.

The kid looked pretty good out there. I have a(nother) theory about fantasy football: the best receivers don’t always put up the best numbers. I mean, Antonio Brown, AJ Green, Odell Beckham, those guys will always put up big numbers. But there’s only so many elite receivers. Often, the top receiver on a team will not put up the guadiest numbers because he draws a lot more coverage. This opens up some lanes for other guys to amass targets. The lions having three very good receivers means that all three of them have the chance to put up big numbers on any given week. Right now, defense are going to pay more attention to Golden Tate and Marvin Jones Jr. So I think Golloday is worth a stash.

Legal question: What’s the point of impeachment? I mean, Bill Clinton got impeached for a blowjob and he remained President, so who gives a fuck?

Impeachment just means that charges are being brought. The House votes on whether or not to charge the President and then the Senate, after a trial presided over by the Chief Justice, votes on whether to convict. Two presidents, Clinton and Andrew Johnson were impeached, but neither was convicted.

Fantasy: Is this the end of fantasy? Scores were down across the board and it seems like the consistent performers are few and far between. In this age of disposable RBs and, increasingly, WRs, what’s the point in betting on random chance?

There is no point. It just makes the games more interesting. Though I find that lately, even fantasy football doesn’t help that much.

This column is for entertainment purposes only. This is general information and not formal legal advice or legal representation. If you need any of that, you need to go see an attorney in real life. Legal problems are often serious and fact-specific; this is a dick joke blog. The advice given in this column is non-binding and nothing contained herein shall constitute an attorney-client relationship.

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