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Friday, December 2, 2011

Why Do I Hold Back?

In many ways I am just like my Mom. I have her gregariousness and her love of networking. I say her funny Pittsburgh expressions like "that really burns me up!" and I share her love of family history. In one specific way, however, I am nothing like my Mom.

You've heard of Guerrilla Marketers? Well, my Mom was a Guerrilla Family Historian. She took no prisoners and she didn't hold back. Every family event for as long as I could remember was filled with family group sheets and tape recorders. And it's not like she bumped into these relatives once in a blue moon. She was with them at least once a year, every year. She had ample opportunity to fill out the forms and ask them questions. But did she do it once or twice? No, she did it every single time she got together with family. She always had questions and always needed to know more.

Earlier this fall I went to visit my Uncle Bob and Aunt Joan. Uncle Bob is my Mom's brother. He is now the oldest member of our family. The previous generation has long since passed away. We spent a lot of time talking during the visit. Boy, can I talk! And we did talk a lot about family history and I had them explain to me who was in the family photos that were on display.

Did I write any of it down? No. Did I ask if it would be ok to pull out my audio recorder? No. What was holding me back?

This is going to sound like a litany of excuses. On the one hand, it is a bit of backlash from my Mom. I feel like my relatives have probably had enough of all that family history stuff. The problem is there is still more family history to record. I don't believe my Mom ever got information my Aunt Joan. And there is still so much more that Uncle Bob could tell me. After all, I was not a part of their early lives as my Mom was so I would see their history as an outsider and have different questions.

On the other hand, I don't want to focus on the fact that my aunt and uncle are now the elders of the family. I don't want to make them feel like "I need to record you now in case I don't get another chance." I don't want to make them face their mortality.

Of course, if I don't get my questions answered and make some recordings I could very well miss that opportunity. I'm hoping that at some point I will get over this sense of awkwardness. Maybe I should talk to them about it.

Hopefully, someday, I'll be more like my Mom, the Guerrilla Family Historian. She has left a real treasure chest of family history information as a gift to future generations.

Photo Credit: Photo by Jimmy MacDonald and used under the creative commons license.

Marian, a comment startled me, a Pittsburg comment, I grew up with it.But our family retained a lot of those sayings even though we had moved far away. I bet they wonder why you did not record or ask especially if your mother did and they know you do. Leave no stone unturned helps.

I know what you mean. When visiting Grampa (age 92) I couldn't bring myself to whip out the recorder. I took notes, but the recorder that I BOUGHT JUST FOR THAT OCCASION stayed in my purse the whole 3 days... Luckily, they are recorded in my head and are being put to paper, but I just couldn't get his voice. I'm sad for that, but I still couldn't do it!

Come on, girl, be the Che Guevera of the Genealogy set --- always carry your backpack of recorders, forms, pens and stuff --- you dinna even have to go so far as a camouflage backpack, go pink with Che GeneaGirl cutely stensiled. Sort of tongue in cheek comment, but I'm betting that you are a lot more like your mom than you let on. Go, Girl, Go.

I have whipped out the recorder, and guess what everyone was ok with it. The important part is to lead up to it, explain what your doing, be honest and upfront. And guess what, the reception will be warm. Most people love talking about themselves and sharing their journey, their just waiting for someone to ask. I've interviewed over 80 people for a family history book, either one on one, or through email and telephone interviews, and 90% of the time, people are very generous.

I haven't done actual recording, but I have talked with my aunt, who has very different memories of her grandmother than the memories that my mother has. Take advantage, while you can, of the chance to get a different perspective on your family's history.

Well Marian, the consensus above seems to be "go for it" - and indeed, why not? This is your passion, and vocation! Start off with "I don't want to be like Mom was, bugging you with lots of questions..." BUT, record and interview them, anyway! I do wish I had some elderly relatives to record... all gone before I got into genealogy, I'm afraid. I get tiny bits of details when talking with cousins at funerals these days.

Marian, I am close to being the oldest generation in my family, and I did not get my grandmother's and mother's stories. Everyone else in the family had passed on -- grandparents, my father, uncles and aunts. I do have one elder aunt, whom I have interviewed. Perhaps you could set up some individual time with your aunt and uncle, and interview them, using a digital audio recorder. They are so small as to be unobtrusive, not like a huge old tape-recorder. They also pick up very well, so that you can set it aside where it will not be in the center of their view. Decide ahead of time what you would like to learn about from them. I did not get the stories when I should have, and now all that is left is the little I can remember.

I must be a hybrid - I can't bring myself to use a tape recorder, but I've found it easy to get my older relatives and in-laws to talk about their childhoods and the family members that they remember. I do understand your reticence - I'm also afraid that that microphone will just make them clam up.

Marian, I've done exactly the same thing. I don't know why it's so hard. Part of my problem is that I have a sister who is relentless and I prefer to take a more subtle approach. If I know that she has talked to someone, I tend to not want to assault them too. I have missed some opportunities and regret it. My father died when I was 10 so I didn't know him very well. He has two living siblings, twins - they are my last connection to my father. One took a stroke a few years ago but the other has been in fairly good health all along. I live on the East Coast and he lives on the West Coast. Did I call him. No. He is now 89, is hospitalized and not expected to live. Another opportunity gone! Another issue is that sometimes I would just like to be a participant instead of the organizer. I'd like to be in pictures instead of the the one taking them. I'd like to chat about current stuff instead of stuff that is long gone - in other words I'd like to live my life for me and form relationships with people that don't involve me interrogating them and promising to send them pictures or information and thereby taking on another commitment. Their commitment ends when the conversation stops or the photo is taken. Mine continues long after the event or visit is over. I haven't yet found a happy medium but if I don't soon, the older generation in my family will be gone. Then who will I ask? :)

This is a great topic especially for the holiday season when we spend more time with family. I have been actively talking to my family for the last four years. I say talking because I learned early on that approach was more effective. I take notes rather than use a recorder. My suggestion is that before you go gorilla, think about who your audience will be and what approach would be the best fit. As I documented what I learned, I give them short write-ups for us to review together and they provide edits. This process usually brings forth new memories. Now, every time we get together, a box or large envelope packed with old family documents is brought out without me asking. Alas, I cannot keep anything, it must be scanned (yes I bring a scanner and camera) and I get things piecemeal. But I am getting information!

I'm the exact same way. We had a famiy reunion this summer, and I was around relatives I haven't seen in 20+ years. The whole time I wanted to talk to people, ask questions, get new info. I did manage to talk to a couple people but nothing sitting down where I could take notes, and I had nothing to write with and forgot everything I was told because I have to write things down to remember them. So I feel your pain/shyness/frustration.