Another new member to the Suboxone Forum, buca0630

Subject: Another new member to the Suboxone Forum, buca0630 Wed 11 Nov 2009, 12:03 pm

Good Morning and welcome buca0630.My name is Dee and I am one of the moderators of the forum. We have two other moderators that are always ready to help you and their names are Barbara & Beth. Although not all of our members are posting members, we do have a couple that are well versed on the subject of Suboxone & addiction so if you have any questions about Suboxone or concerns about your recovery please post and we will be more than happy to help in what ever way that we can.How are you doing buca? Are you currently a Suboxone patient? If so, I am curious as to how is your treatment coming along. How often do you have to see your provider and are you in counseling or does he/she require that you attend counseling. I am sorry if you think of me as being nosey, but I have found that many providers are only writing "scripts" for their patients and that is that. In the beginning of the Suboxone world, the provider were doing everything by the book. This was a new medication and they wanted to do well by their patients. But more and more providers are turning away from the recommended standard of treatment. So the questions that I ask really serve a couple of purposes. They give you something to talk about sort of an ice breaker and they also satisfy my curiosity.Please take a look around the forum and read the posts of the other members, feel free to comment and post yourself. When you are up to it, we would love to hear your story. We all have come from different places, different walks of life, but we all have something in common and we have all walk in the same old shoes.Once again welcome!Yours in Recovery,Dee

Number of posts : 695Age : 42Humor : There is no room in your heart for anger when you are filled with gratitude.Registration date : 2008-11-20

Subject: Welcome to Buca0630! Wed 11 Nov 2009, 1:56 pm

Hello and Welcome to Buca0630!!Hi Buca! How are you doing today? I hope to hear that you are doing well. My name is Beth & I am one of the moderators here along with Dee & Barbara Rue. They are both wonderful women who are very knowledgable regarding this disease of addiction & the way out, the journey to recovery! I'm sure that they will both be by to say hello as soon as they see that you have joined the forum!! As well as many of our other very special members who understand what it is like to first join & how hard it is to open up & share about yourself the very worst issues that you suffer through having an opiate addiction & getting into recovery. Yet, I want to reassure you that this forum is different than any other that you may find. We encourage our members to open up & talk about their daily struggles as we know that going into recovery doesn't just mean that you are "healed" and should be back to "normal" just because you have stopped using. We didn't become addicted overnight & we won't be UNaddicted overnight either. We DO need time to heal & many of us DO need maintenance medications to allow our brain that time needed to repair itself from all of our self induced damage. No one here will ever put you down for how you are working your own recovery, if it is working for you, we just want to support you through your days. There is no judgment nor ridicule on here at all, as WE have ALL been in that same spot of beginning opiates, getting addicted, doing some really horrible things that we would have never done had it not been for our addiction, thus leading us to choose recovery. We have all done different things, but essentially, it comes down to the same situation. Here we are now, trying to repair the damage that we have done to our lives & live a "normal" productive life, where we are not hurting ourselves, nor the people that are the closest to us. Oh how they suffer as well! We are here to support, encourage, love, advise & listen to each other because no matter where you are in your recovery, someone here has gone through the very same situation & can let you know what did or did not work for them throughout certain parts of recovery. Are you currently in recovery as well or thinking about it? I am currently a Suboxone patient who believes that it has truly been a miracle for my life & the sake that I am still alive yet today! I was heavily addicted to painkillers, Vicodin & Lortabs, etc to begin with, then I progressed to oxycontins, where my addiction just completely spiraled out of control on me! I really didn't even enjoy them anymore, but being addicted, I was so sick without them that I had to continue to keep them in my system. I didn't know the way out of the vicious cycle! I couldn't just stop. I had tried to quit a million times, in a million different ways, and one time even had a little over 2 years completely off them, but I was not even close to being "healed" as I still craved them everyday for those 2 years and dreamt of them and never did feel comfortable in my own skin the entire time that I was not taking them. It was like my brain was RAW to the world! (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) I had basically given up hope that I could ever recover from this. At that point, I was 31 years old & had been using since I was 16 years old, over half of my life, my entire adult life, and I had NO CLUE how to go about "living" without opiates. I was to the very end of my own rope. I had just enough to hang myself with, no more, no less, but that was all that I needed at that point. What was the point any longer? I was to the point of ODing or commiting suicide because I hated myself so badly for the hurt that I was causing my family & somehow in my drug haze I truly believed that they would be better off without me. At that time, an 11 year old daughter, a one year old daughter & a six month old son. And I couldn't keep my word to my husband that I could quit, once he finally realized that I was indeed back into the opiates again, but with NO clue how bad it had really gotten this time. I was hopeless! Then, two years ago, almost coming up to the day, a "friend" that used like I did was getting so out of control with his usage that he decided he wanted to slow down because he could no longer afford to get out of bed. He was exactly my age, a few months older. But he needed 3, 80mg oxycontins just to get up out of the bed & get going for the day, not including what he also needed throughout the day, but he was too embarrassed to ask for help, too much pride to admit that he couldn't do it alone. So he decided to start cutting down on his own & using Crystal Meth to not feel as badly. His parents found their only child dead in his condo on Thanksgiving Day at the age of 32. I remember standing in the line at the calling hours & all I kept thinking was, that could've been me just as easily! (although I was not doing meth, you know what I mean) I was looking at his parents & the pain that was engulfing them, but I could see my own parents, my hubby, my children, MY LIFE! Yet, instead of it stopping me cold, it made me go onto a "binge" as I was already working as a bartender at a hot bar in the closest city to my dealer. He would bring me my pills to work for me. Long story shortened, my best friend (at that time) & I were partying like we were rock stars, though I did mention that I had 3 children at home who needed me as well. My hubby was home with them, so they were not neglected, but how can I work until three or four in the morning, get home & get to sleep by six & it's time for hubby to leave for work. The babies would be up within the next hour or two & I WAS TIRED! I would tend to them throughout the days, then head back to work at night, but I started taking a pill called Adderall that my "best friend" always took for energy. (speed, I think) It's really for children with ADD. And that was along with the oxycontins & maybe some Zanax & a few shots of Vodka. I don't know how I am still alive because then we would drive back home together, smoking a joint! Well, one night I got so very "intoxicated" that I refused to drive & I ALWAYS drove, but I had been working for many days straight & I had promised hubby I would be home by six pm (as this was a Saturday) and we were supposed to go out that night for the very first time since our son had been born the previous summer to a birthday party for one of his close friends. In the meantime of the day & the more "wasted" I became, I had completely forgotten. My "friend" was supposed to watch the children for us, as she had left her son here with my kids while we worked together. We came stumbling in the door somewhere around midnight & VERY RIGHTLY SO, my hubby was quite angry, but more than angry, was very surprised. That is how he found out that I was back using after that 2 1/2 year break. That was in January of 2008. On Sunday, we did alot of serious talking after I returned home from taking my friend back up to her car. I told him that I could not just quit. I went into detox on Monday until Saturday, where they used a drug called Subutex to detox me from the oxycontins. I felt great while I was in there & on that medication. I really felt like there WAS hope! Yet, after I got out of detox & the Subutex was out of my system, I was right back to where I had started. I was already thinking about how to go about getting more oxycontins, but instead found a "friend" who had Methadone tablets, but that the doctor he saw wasn't taking any new patients, but he had heard of a doctor who would also write them. I immediately made an appointment with that doctor, who had NEVER written a script for Methadone in his life & didn't know enough about it to feel comfortable writing it to me, but he could see that I really WAS sincere in my desire to be in recovery & he said that he would try to help me. He did write me out more oxycontins to keep me off of the streets & the high costs, as well as thinking that we could possibly taper down off the opiates. I was way too far past that point, but he did get me in with a Suboxone provider rather quickly & I have been on it since. So, as you can see, it really has saved my life! So, Buca, that is a little of my story, and like you, I came onto the computer to check out more information about Suboxone & got myself routed to this forum where I have met my very best friends!! Others who understand exactly what it is like to be where I am, who have already traveled over this part of the journey & can tell me what has & what hasn't helped them get through certain situations that I may be dealing with today. Or to possibly avoid a situation altogether to prevent triggers & chance a relapse. (such as that previous "best friend" whom I still love, but can no longer party with!) Not to mention the fact of just getting it all off of your chest & shoulders alone Buca! When I first joined, Barbara told me one of the wisest things that I have ever heard & I always tell others what she told me because it was so very true! She told me that "A problem talked about is a problem half solved!" That is a fact! You no longer have to hold it all inside of you, weighing you down, with those lead knots in your stomach, you now have FRIENDS who understand what opiate addiction & recovery includes and I would love to know more about you, what brought you here to decide to become a member, if you are on Suboxone or Methadone or considering either one of them? Below my name, there are 2 links that will take you to our sister websites. One is full of of information on Suboxone, the other is Medical Assisted Treatment, which covers many topics, including info on Methadone. They are both HONCODE certified, which means that everything on there is 100% accurate, and the most up to date information on these topics & medications. I encourage you to take a look, as you will find a wealth of information there available to read up on. Buca, again, it is my pleasure to welcome you to our special forum & I really look forward to hearing more back from you about yourself & where you REALLY are these days!! I hope that you feel as if you can share with us. I promise you that it really has helped me remain in my recovery to have this "safe haven" away from the real world, where everyone who belongs really does understand the struggles that we are still enduring, despite being in recovery! I hope to hear from you soon! Yours in Recovery,Beth

buca0630

Number of posts : 1Registration date : 2009-11-10

Subject: Re: Another new member to the Suboxone Forum, buca0630 Thu 12 Nov 2009, 12:02 pm

Hello All...

I am the mother of an addict.

My daughter (30) is the love of my life. My only child. So...here the story goes...

She was engaged to be married. We were so happy for her and we loved her fiance like a son. There was a bachelor party about 100 miles away and luckily we had a place where they all could go and not drive. They had a great time walking around and enjoying this place and about 2:00 A.M. in the morning, they all went back to our place to sleep. Dan was to sleep in the same room with my husband.

Even before this happened, I just had a bad bad feeling and my daughter didn't want Dan to go. They hardly were ever separated and I remember saying to her that "You just have to learn to be by yourself sometimes, Dan isn't always going to be around". What I meant is she needed to find herself.

Anyway, about 3:11 A.M. in the morning, my daughter came flying into my bedroom and screamed "Dan is Dead!". It had to be a mistake. We started making up all these excuses about what had happened, but in the end, it was him.

Evidentally, he got up and left the house at about 3:00 because he wanted to get home to my daughter. He was even stopped by the police for not wearing a seatbelt, but he was let go. A few miles up, he went off the road and hit a telephone pole and was ejected from the car.

THE most horrible day of our lives....so far.

My daughter at the time seemed to be doing ok. I myself just had an emotional breakdown. All these things were going through my head. What if's. It almost seemed that she could grieve if I was grieving myself. I really tried to stay strong from her, but I think too much and I was definetly in a state of depression. Only thinking about myself.

Fast forward..... Over these last 4 years I had noticed a BIG difference in my daughter. Sometimes she would slur her words, or sleep for hours on the couch. Sometimes her eyeslids were almost shut or she would stand in a position but sway back and forth.

One time, they had to drive her home from work because she was so wasted (she eventually lost her job)

Two times to the hospital because we thought she overdosed. Always checking on her in her room to see if she was breathing. Staying up with while she was out of it on the couch.

Calling her when we were away and just knowing that she was on pain killers. Rushing home and getting there and just getting a bunch of lies from her.

Finding pill bottles on her. You know what she would do? She would put tissues on top of the pills so that we wouldn't hear them rattling in the bottle. Trying to go through her car, her clothes, her pocketbook, her jackets. Hiding our medications because I couldn't trust her.

Friends of hers calling us to come and get her at their houses because they were scared that she had taking too many pills.

Her stealing pills from my mother who is 86!!

The list could go on and on. It finally came down to....Get Help or Get Out. She decided to leave. She went to a friends house and stayed 4 nights and came back to us but we had already written down a set of rules.

She would have to get treatment is #1. She said she would NOT go into a treatment plan, she would not go away. So, we started on our journey of finding a doctor/therapist who would treat her with Suboxone. We needed to try anything at that point.

She has been on Suboxone since early April and she's doing alot better, but I do not trust her. That has been one of the biggest problems between her any myself, but how can I just begin to trust her again????

I just want some peace.

samigirl56

Number of posts : 256Age : 61Registration date : 2009-01-10

Subject: Re: Another new member to the Suboxone Forum, buca0630 Thu 12 Nov 2009, 2:24 pm

Hi buca, What a horrible experince to go threw. I am so sorry for your's and your daughter's loss.

I been on Suboxone for a little over a year now. I have not relapse during this time. As for trust it will come so long she is following her recovery program. You will begin to see it in her actions. I live with my highschool sweetheart and it took awhile for him to trust me. I am an open book now to people that I know. He will question me every once in awhile now but I let him because I know I am the one that broke the trust. I hope she is in some kind of aftercare program. She has alot to process. I hope you are reaching out for help also to learn how to rebuild the trust and to teach you signs of relapse.

I am sure one of the Moderators will be here shortly to give you their take on the trust issues.

Welcome to the forum! I hope you are enjoying your afternoon. It is sunny here in NY. Cathy

Subject: Re: Another new member to the Suboxone Forum, buca0630 Thu 12 Nov 2009, 3:29 pm

Hi and thanks for posting. I know that it couldn't have been easy telling us all about your daughter but you did and that is a beginning. Your daughter has been through a horrible experience that is true. Was she taking pain killers before her fiance's death or did it start after his accident?Is your daughter required to go to any type of group or counseling while in treatment?I know it is hard to trust her again and trust is something that will come with time. You have both got to open up a line of communication. Does she talk to you? Does she trust you? She has been in treatment since April has she done anything that would tell you that she cannot be trusted again? Trust is hard, I know.

I used for many years. At first I used pain killers for legitimate pain reasons. Then after a time I discovered that the pills gave me a warm feeling that I couldn't get anywhere else. They brought me comfort and I knew that as long as I had pills I wouldn't have to face reality. I could take a pill and everything would be fine. But it wasn't fine. I was stealing from my family, my friends, my job and anyone else that trusted me. I went into detox many times only to come back out and eventually use again. I tried residential treatment only to go back to hanging out with the same people that I knew I shouldn't be around.I knew better, but I wasn't ready to give up the pills. Finally in 2002, I went into my last treatment. I started with Methadone and in 2006 I switched over to Suboxone. I haven't taken a single pill since July 17Th,2002. I can't say that because I do take my Suboxone. But only my Suboxone. It has removed my cravings for drugs. But the Suboxone didn't do it for me. I had to do it for myself. Suboxone is a tool to be used in recovery. Along with Suboxone, I attend counseling once a week. I am open and honest with my counselor no matter what I have to say.

Give your daughter in baby steps if need be. But show her that you are trying to trust her. Be open and honest with her and let her know that you expect the same. It is a two way street. We are here for you and your daughter should she decide to join us. She is most welcome. If you have any question please don't hesitate to let us know. Feel free to send me an email if you need to talk. I am always ready to listen. My email address is dee.vicepresident@medicalassistedtreatment.orgYours in Recovery,Dee

Number of posts : 695Age : 42Humor : There is no room in your heart for anger when you are filled with gratitude.Registration date : 2008-11-20

Subject: Re: Another new member to the Suboxone Forum, buca0630 Thu 12 Nov 2009, 5:12 pm

Hello Buca,How are you doing today? I hope that you are hanging in there. It's me Beth again & I thought I should follow up with what Cathy had mentioned, as I am also going through trust issues in my home. My perspective is different from yours & it saddens me to know even more how badly I have hurt the ones that I love the very most, have lied to my husband time & time again, how disrespectful that is, yet how drugs will manipulate you to do these things you would never consider under "normal" (non drug induced state) in your life if it were not for these very pills & sometimes how these very addictions can kill you or God forbid, hurt anyone else. And that the trust doesn't just come back, but also you will see by actions how your daughter is doing. If she is on Suboxone & remaining off everything else, then God bless her! She's doing great! It's such a fine line because there are times that I have been offended by his actions towards me when I really have not done anything wrong, but then in my mind, I am thinking, I am the one who made him this way. He didn't act this way before the whole addiction came out & it surprised him more than anything. And all of the lies that I had told to try to cover everything up. I have been on Suboxone for 20 months now & have remained opiate free for real this time. I believe it has been a miracle medication for opiate addiction. I know that it has saved my life & though it hasn't been quite 2 years, we still deal with trust issues. And he looks for things to be wrong & sometimes I do make mistakes, but those mistakes are not including basing my life around oxycontins. I am still struggling with a medication that I was put back on this last spring that was a benzo, Tranxene, which was just changed to Valium along the way that I am now in the process of going off of & it has been causing some of those same sort of trust issues again. But we have a plan set up with the doctor & I plan on being off of the Valium by the end of the month. We are both scared, of course. But it is certainly for the best! So I think when Cathy mentioned trust issues, she was saying that it really is possible to work through. She is still with her high school sweetheart. I am still working on my relationship with my husband, who really must love me and who I KNOW that I really love, despite some of the lies & things I have done ONLY for drugs. (I have never cheated on him throughout our relationship) It's been money & that's just the facts. How horrible of a wife, well, nevermind, because the past cannot be changed, but the present & future CAN be & WILL presented to him as "an open book" about anything that he wants to know. I am still going to counseling & figuring out different ways of making things work & also figuring out what does NOT work as well. I believe we can make it through it.I also have that same belief for you & your daughter if she is also serious about her recovery! Has she been clean since April? If so, great job to her! If not, is she trying recovery again? The trust will only come with honesty & time from what I have experienced & we still have not yet reached it, but I BELIEVE that it can be done by the everyday actions of living without regrets & you beginning to see the change in her. Is she also in counseling as well or any type of group therapy? I have no magic answers- I need them myself, but I believe that if I can continue to tell him the truth & he sees it repeatedly, then he will begin to believe in me again. It's not like I don't understand why he doesn't, but it's hard to show that your not doing something than by just not doing it. Months & years can go by with no recognition, but one mistake can be thrown up for the rest of your life! It's a hard experience to go through, but if the person truly desires recovery, I believe that it can be found again, that trust. I believe.God bless you Buca, as well as your precious daughter!Love,Beth

Barbara Rue

Number of posts : 851Age : 74Humor : You can't keep it unless you give it awayRegistration date : 2008-11-08

Subject: Re: Another new member to the Suboxone Forum, buca0630 Sat 14 Nov 2009, 12:54 am

Dear Buca,

I just typed my heart out on a post to you and lost the message. You will be able to see the truth in your daughter's eyes and the way she will look you in the eye instead of looking off in the distance. You'll be able to see a person in there instead of a blank stare. If your daughter stays with it and I feel she will, you're in for the best of times with her. It will take time as you both heal.

Sorry for this being so short. I just came in from work and so worn out. I just had to answer you because I know how my Mom stayed with me when everyone else had given up on me.

It would be nice to have you stay with us. We could use a few more Moms here with us. Keep faith and be strong.