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Blake’s Advice Column

Dear Blake,

My 20 year old daughter is about to marry someone that I cannot stand. He refuses to work, and he’s always sleeping, alleging that he needs a lot of rest to help him focus on the idea he has that’s eventually going to change the world, by inventing a time machine. It drives me crazy that my daughter has bought into his madness. Can you help me?

Signed, Sherry From Logandale, Nevada

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Dear Sherry,

When women her age fall for someone, they are guided by their heart and often cannot see the obvious. In my opinion, under these conditions you are obligated to sabotage the relationship at all costs. Shoot him up with heroine while he’s sleeping, and that will get him out of the house for a while as he enters into a 12 step “no-contact”program to get clean. Try putting some small items in his pockets when he’s with you at a store, and then tell security that he’s a famous shoplifter that has never been caught. However, in the unlikely event that he actually builds a time machine and you still don’t like him, get that loser drunk and send him back to the dinosaur era. And if your daughter is emotionally devastated by your actions, maybe you can appease her if you diligently search and locate his fossils (preferably with T-Rex teeth marks on his bones). I hope this helps.