Saturday, December 22, 2012

Universal ass-whoopin

There are several postings I should have made over the past year and change that I haven't. I can sum them up this way: The Universe has had its existential foot in my ass and I think I asked for it.

It started after getting back onto the stage after a roughly two-year absence. I'd previously come to the conclusion that lack of humility is the greatest enemy to potential, that I hadn't been humble, that I was willing to take any part in a piece - including not being on stage - in order to be a part of a production. I auditioned for a Shakespeare piece and was offered a much larger role than I expected. I tried taking more responsibility in it than I had before (union deputy). I finished the run confident that I'd done some good work, but far from perfect, and believing I had and understanding and more confidence in what my particular skill set is.

Soon after it, I auditioned for two more pieces. The first, I didn't put nearly the work into. I thought I "knew" what was being looked for. I didn't even get a callback. I attributed it to that same hubris.
I asked God to humble me.

There was another play...this time I was offered it, but turned it down in order to work. Mind, this wasn't the work I came here to do, but it paid far better in the short term and I had lived off a credit card while doing the Shakes show. I turned it down.

As I'd taken on more responsibility doing the play, I was interested in doing the same in a management context. I ended up getting that chance thrust upon me far sooner than expected and immediately was dealing with all of its pitfalls. I dealt with it because I thought it might afford me a better chance later on. A chance to travel and work closer to my kinfolk and clear out my credit card debt.
I found myself making the same mistake in this as I had during the show. Not speaking up when I should leading to an injury that case and having to deal with hurt feelings in this one.

So, the spring passed into summer, and that chance to travel never occurred the way I thought I was assured it would. I worked hard and often and was close to finishing my stint with this company when I was offered a chance to manage officially l, be salaried, have time to audition. There was a bug in my ear letting me know I was bring asked to replace a person who'd just left. I'd gotten a chance for several months to see how this company worked and that, in spite of how relaxed it tried to show itself to be, it was as corporate a place as any I'd spent the previous ten years trying to avoid.

I felt I knew what it was....looking at the chance to make the money I didn't get to before, I accepted anyway.

In short it was what it I thought it was and I found out I didn't have the wherewithal to put on the mask that would carry me through.

And as much as I felt like I was being used as the scapegoat that I knew I was being hired to be, I didn't leave when I could have because I did not want to be a quitter. I wanted to complete the job I said I would do.
Which, of course, meant I was asked to leave.
Humbled.
The best part? Not only did I not make the money I hoped to, I ended getting charged over 500 bux in bank fees for using my account to buy supplies for said company. But, hey, my decision, right?
so.
I spend up what money I have left from that and manage to get cast on a certain primetime police drama. Instead of using that money to start the transition away from here that I'd planned for the previous two years, I decide to hang around and see if I can get something going with regard to my "career".

This lead to further humility - going back to an agent I hadn't spoken to in years (that one seemed like a good exercise, actually), auditioning for a chance to go to Scotland only to find out that it was filled without my consideration, getting cast in a small role in a play I'd already done with a lead I was....annoyed by....and staying in that play instead of asking out when I knew I wouldn't enjoy it.

(one day I will follow my own advice)

Since Scotland didn't work out, I accepted a lead role in another piece.
A week and a half later, Scotland was an option again. I chose the piece I'd already committed to.
This somehow signalled the demons which had previously been absent on the project to suddenly make themselves apparent. Jealousy, silliness, acrimony....and I hate how I dealt with it. Almost as soon as I had made the decision to stay with the show, I regretted it. I could never really enjoy it after that. I felt self-conscious in performance. I couldn't wait to get the run over. It wasn't even 10 shows.

I didn't have a good performance or even audition after that for...months...at least 3.

And then I get an audition for another network police drama.

When I go to it, after putting the hard work that I had been afraid to in the few months prior, I'm told there isn't one for that show, that I should call my agent.

(In front of a group of waiting actors. Embarrassing? Yes.)

Then, on my first foray into the city after The Storm of the Century, my bicycle is stolen when lock it up improperly and conspicuously.

(more hubris...but I find it related to a lot of oral clatter I'd made earlier...had I bit talked so much, maybe I would have arrived earlier and found a better place to lock and felt I had time to lock it properly. That said, bike thieves do the work of the eviL onE)

Last week, after finally getting a day of work for the first time in abouts month, my car was towed (for bogus tickets that I should have seen a judge about...but yeah, whichever).

Today I have discovered that I have lost my phone.

(found a day later, 'neath my mass of mess)

I'm tired...and quite humbled.

I have, in fact, asked God to stop with the humble stick.

And yet -

I met a guy on the boat soon to share an alma mater with me looking to go back and do grad study in the same field I am considering.
I just found out a lady in my building is a musician. I didn't know there were other artists in the building.
I helped somebody buy a pretty sweet bike.
Some one just messaged my that she is seeing me "everywhere".
(shrug)

After this summer it took me a minute to figure out why things seemed to keep "happening to me". I was literally asking why I was being humbled. It took me until about the end of the summer to remember that I had asked for it.
Now if I could just get some clarity on what it is I have left to learn.
Whatever is the case. my ass is tired.