Instead of talking about the serious implications this case has in the realm of jurisprudence, I’m going to make a bunch of silly jokes.

- Obama’s Council on National Fitness blocks sentence, laying the groundwork for chubby-chasing to be a federal crime punishable by death. The next step in the socialist agenda?
- Fat Bitch must be Mobbed Up! The Teflon Whale strikes again!
- Idiots take up valuable time in court, released back into the wild for further study.
- Reverence for tragedy dulled over time by lack of surprise.
- Steak and Shake named responsible in string of Cleveland area deaths associated with obesity.
- Precedence set by Cleveland courts create a new kind of gang violence, Sitting.
- “Sitting” related crime causes a scarcity of thin people in Cleveland
- Cleveland a ghost town after fat gangsters eat all the food, subsequently die of heart disease.

Oooook that’s enough to stave off the depressing image of our national identity for now. If you want to get in on this, start in the comments section. If you think I’m being inappropriate I should direct you to call our toll free number.