In Loving Memory

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My mother told me day before yesterday that my brother is getting married next month. I’m happy for him. From what I hear, his fiancee’s a sweet girl and wish them the best.

What pains me is the thought that I know Dad’s got to be proud. Hell, he and Mom have probably called everyone in the family over this. They didn’t tell anyone that Jim and I were engaged. I probably shouldn’t be surprised, but I am. And even now, nearly 6 months later, it still hurts.

I’m not bitter towards my brother, but this has always been something I could never let go of. After all, he’s the favored son. And I am literally the redheaded stepchild. I know I can’t complain too much, Dad has always done a lot for me … but there was always a sense of seperation and favortism when it came to me and Jeremy. Growing up, I think I always knew that Dad favored Jeremy and never really understood why until my biological father contacted me. Knowing most of “the whole truth” answered a lot of questions that he should have answered himself long ago. But I never said anything — and looking at how they’ve all distanced themselves from me, why should I bother now?

Some say that in situations like this the grandparents will sometimes dote more on the kids of one parent in a family than others. Dad always got pissed off whenever he thought Gramps and Grandmother gave me more attention than they did Jeremy. I don’t think they showed any favortism. Maybe Gramps a little because I was the only grandchild with a nickname, but I’m willing to chalk it up to old age. Hell, Mama Carolyn and Papa Buddy never EVER treated one of us any differently than the other. But that means shit all to Dad I guess. Whenever he and Mom would fight, I was “her daughter” … I always hated birthdays because if mine and Jeremy’s were ever combined, it was “my son’s” birthday, never “ours”. I know I’ll always be second class in comparison to my brother in his eyes. And I know that he may never accept Jim. But it still hurts.

To be honest, I’m afraid that if/when Jeremy has children, they will be favored over Jessie. Several people had asked when Jim an I became engaged if we would have any children — the truth is that I may not be able to have children (only time and the tests I had run Tuesday will tell). I know that Jessie is not my own and never will be. But I love her as if she were and that’s enough. And I sometimes can’t help but wish the same for me.