A list of God’s least favorite things

#7 Women

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today I would like to talk about something I feel very, very strongly about – My deep and abiding hatred for women.

Now don’t get Me wrong! I’m not a gay. Far from it.

I’ve been a poon-hound ever since I first created poon. I get as much as I want, whenever I want. I’m sure you’re wondering about all My Conquests.

Aphrodite? Did her.

Lakshmi, the 4-armed Hindu Sex Goddess? You bet.

Marilyn Monroe? I have her tied up in My Bed right now.

Yup, I’ve basically had sex with every hot woman who ever existed. Many, many times.

But that’s beside the point. The point is I hate women. HATE THEM!

And I always have. I regret ever creating their stupid gender.

I should have listened to My Divine Instincts. I said to Myself, you’re creating a garden of delights God, and all you’re gonna do is make one little man and keep him happy. It was just supposed to be Me and My best bud Adam, hanging out in paradise…together forever.

But then Adam just had to get his jimmy waxed. And I, being the good friend and loving God that I am, gave the stupid jerk what he wanted. A creature that would spend its life worshipping his penis. So I took one of his ribs and made that treacherous whore Eve.

I HATE WOMEN! I HATE THEM SO MUCH!

They’re rife with design flaws. I mean, sure, they look fabulous and you just want to grab’em and do nasty things. But that doesn’t change the fact that they’re all vile, selfish little whores that scowl at you when you hold the door open for them. And do they ever say thank you?

The answer is: rarely. I’ve watched every instance of this situation since doors were first invented. And women only say thank you 17% of the time. Mostly they just stride through like it’s every man’s job to hold doors open for strange bitches.

I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD AND I HATE WOMEN! If you’re a woman, you know this to be true. Deep down, you’ve always known.

But I digress. Getting back to that slut Eve, what do you think is the first thing that backstabbing bitch ever did?

Yup, that’s right. Stab Me in the back. She betrayed Me, the Lord God Almighty, who gave her absolutely everything, for some smooth-talking serpent. BITCH!

Also, at around the same time all this was going on I was on a lot of painkillers because I had just caught Aphrodite cheating on Me with this douche Adonis.

So anyway, I decided to punish women for all eternity. You might not be aware of this, but I made it so that they bleed once a month. For a week!

I also made several sweet alterations to the pregnancy process. See, originally, the human pregnancy cycle was only supposed to last a couple of weeks. I extended that to nine long months of weight gain.

Also, babies were originally only going to be about the size of a Raisinet and would be born out of the woman’s mouth. I changed this so that the average baby weighed 7 pounds and came out headfirst through the most painful place possible (the vagina.)

Finally, I made women half as strong as men, so that a man could always just beat the crap out of a woman if she ever got too annoying.

I have to say, God, this is a great account of the mistakes you’ve made with women. would like you to expand on a couple more very weighty flaws. For instance..

Women’s irrationality and flaky reasoning… Was that a mistake you made with making women? Seems more like a punishment for men.
Other spastic stuff: Poor driving, sub-par athletic ability, etc.
Thanks.

No wonder you hate women! You admit you have had sex with each and every one of us, yet the performance was so lack-luster we did not even notice! And those that do notice are can’t wait to get a REAL lover and cheat on you!!! Even that nymphomaniac Monroe has to be tied up to stay in your bed….

So, just like any other inadequate male, you resent and hate us, women!

And as for that thing about giving us half the strength you gave men? That’s ok, it is adequately compensated for by having given us more than double their intelligence! And since men were made in your image…well, let’s just say that with the little smarts they have to rely on to get by, even rudimentary logic seems ‘irrational’ to them.

God, why did you make all of us men poon-hounds (except the fags)? Seriously, I’d get so much more done if I wasn’t chasing tail. I’d save money, probably would have saved my job too, if I didn’t have this deep seeded insatiable love of Asian porn? WHY GOD, WHY?!?!

That being said, I’ve heard all kinds of bullshit about how women are worse at things that involve reasoning, logic, etc. and they’re just conniving whores with no real abilities that just manipulate other people to get what they want. Admittedly, there are a lot of women like that (but probably just as many men, only it gets called “power games” if guys use people to get what they want), but I have a hard time buying that when I frequently post better scores in math/science courses than any of the males I know, and I don’t use a calculator. AND YES I mean calculus, not some namby-pamby no-credit algebra shit nobody cares about.

Just my two cents, or actually more if you illegally melt the coins down and take it for its value as semi-precious metal.

[…] I tell you mortals, it’s dreadful shows like this that make being omnipresent truly unbearable for Me. I, The Lord GOD Almighty, have had no choice but to watch every last fucking episode and repeat shown on TV for the last ten fucking years. Not only that, I’ve had to watch every stupid fucking cunt alive watch this stupid fucking show and love every stupid fucking minute of it! Just one more reason I utterly despise women. […]

Just think – you made a creature who, in your words “that would spend its life worshipping his penis.”
She betrays you because a smooth-talking serpent gets to her. Now, Who created her? And created her to love and worship a long, hard, snake-like anatomy? I’m just saying.

Women are despised by mankind because:
– They never know want they want for dinner. This takes a half hour. Just pick a place, you stupid bitch! It’s just food, and it doesn’t matter! Quit being difficult, cunt! (These are the thoughts all men think, ladies, while we’re arguing with you about where to go out to eat)
– They hate the word ‘cunt,’ which is a great word. I can’t stand whenever a woman has to tell me how much they hate the words ‘cunt’ or ‘pussy.’ Those are great words, you angry cunt! Now stop whining and gimme some pussy.
– They love to make simple situations endlessly complicated, and they never answer a question with ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ Example: “Are you hungry?” answer: “Well, I don’t know. I’m kinda hungry, but then again, I don’t know where we should go eat.” YOU FUCKING BITCH! YOU’RE EITHER HUNGRY OR YOU’RE NOT HUNGRY! AND WE’RE GOING TO OUTBACK, YA CUNT, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!
– They never want to watch what we want to watch on TV. A show about a redecorating a room? No fucking way. I don’t want to participate in that in real life, let alone watch some cunt on TV do it. Gimme the remote, we’re watching the Golf Channel, got it?
– They can’t drive for shit. Why is the size of the SUV always in inverse proportion to the size of the clueless bitch behind the wheel, yakking on a fucking cellphone? YOU’RE NOT IMPORTANT! HANG UP THE FUCKING PHONE ALREADY AND GET OUTTA THE FUCKING WAY!

Good job God…thanks for royally F’ing this up for all us on earth. Women are the most annoying and frustrating creatures on the planet, yet you’ve made them pretty and smell good, which make them hard to resist. Darn you to heck!

[…] we all clear now? Sex is only to be had between a devout circumcised man and his devout skinny woman after they have gotten married and then only in the vagina and never in the anus and never with the […]

On this day, 21 September 2008, I, Smoggy Batzrubble of Noo Zillund, son of Mama Batzrubble (deceased in childbirth) and Papa Batzrubble (serial killer–executed), post this message in praise of Almighty God, the Omniscient, the Omnipotent, and the Fiercest SMITING Bastard in the universe, who has granted me a great victory in my contest with the Pagan Priestess Anne (spitting staples) Johnson.

For evidence to support my faith I refer you to “God on the Internet” postings 600 and 609.

Praise be to God. This message is posted on every thread in HIS honor.

[…] I tell you mortals, it’s dreadful shows like this that make being omnipresent truly unbearable. I, The Lord GOD Almighty, have had no choice but to watch every last fucking episode and repeat of Sex and the City shown on TV for the last ten fucking years. Not only that, I’ve also had to watch every stupid fucking cunt alive watch this stupid fucking show and love every stupid fucking minute of it. Just one more reason I utterly despise women. […]

Well I know for a fact that you are not God. And apparently you are a man who is just upset with a woman and can’t except the fact that we are the fruit of life and was chosen to start the generations. And you know without a woman there will be no people at all. I hate whatever happened to you in a previous relationship or what she has done to you to make you feel this way, and I some what agree with the way you feel about it, and it’s true that some women are like that. But from my point of view, don’t blame it on all women. There are good women out there just as it is to the bad one’s it’s just that you met up with the wrong one. I have a very good relationship with God, the REAL GOD for that matter. He is more than good to me and I seam to have no problem with the monthly gift or any other sufferings you say that we have. Like I said before It depends on the woman herself. If she takes care of her self well then she ( like myself ) will not have natural sufferings like that. What the REAL GOD has done for me personally, shows no sign of him hating me. Now before you go and talk badly about another woman let me say this:
1) I am the type of woman who appreciates what good is being done for me by a man if he is the gentleman he appears to be.
2) I don’t mind at all returning favours, cooking his dinner or being the first one in our relationship to give gifts and etc.
3) I am a caring, considerate individual who takes certain matters to the max because either I am being mistreated or taken advantage of.
4) I am a woman who doesn’t mind making sure my husband is happy and giving him what he wants out of our marriage just as long as he respects me.

All that is listed from above is the best of my knowledge that this is what every man wishes to have from of his wife or girlfriend. Now if it still seams that we are irritating, you can’t stand to see us and we this and we that…. Then honey, the problem is YOU and the sad thing is.. You Can’t See that it is you! I see what your problem is, It’s buried in you all heads that you’re men and God put you in charge and blah, blah, blah, and you’re too blind and gullible to see that God has blessed you. You got something good and too crazy and hungry for power to realize it. There is no more a woman have to do on the account that she already bare life, it’s just the sweetness and sensitivity that’s in our heart and nature to always give more. So therefore, men really don’t deserve us. And may possibly be the worst mistake that has ever crossed God’s mind. I’m speaking only what’s against me so don’t even try saying I’m wrong.

And for other explanations: The Menstrual Cycle.
For one, it doesn’t bother me at all when this miracle happens you want to know the real truth? The reason is that is resembles internal purity. What that is, it cleanses the woman uterus of any germs or infections monthly so that God’s precious life can grow just as healthy and beautiful like there mother. Another reason I like it, it’s because we can leave all the HARD LABOUR work that some of you do and really don’t have an excuse for missing work, we can call off work for this such matter and still get paid because it’s known that it’s a natural process and not in our control. You seriously made me laugh when you said “HA! THAT’S WHAT YOU GET WOMAN! On my note honey, I will be honored to go through that pain and would probably do natural birth, now while you are laughing at us and mocking us, you just don’t realize this is a blessing for us.

1) During the 5th month of pregnancy, we can take an early paid vacation from work and still be paid during recovery.
2) If it is not possible that the “so called” man didn’t marry me and ran off and left me alone with the baby, I can get a check all the way until they are 18 years of age.
3) Better yet this will happen every time this happens to us.

SO LAUGH AT THAT MANLY MAN. YOU CAN’T BEAT THAT!!! NOW I AGREE WITH YOU ALL THE WAY WHEN YOU SAID THAT’S WHAT WE GET. AND REALLY THAT IS WHAT WE DESERVE. A BLESSING WHILE BEING CURSED. NOW THAT IS A GOOD GOD SWEETHEART. SO YES MY LORD THANK YOU FOR LETTING THIS HAPPEN, BRING ON THE PAIN MY GOD ALMIGHTY!!!!

You see the reason and the truth about you men treating women the way you are? Some of it is because you say that you are strong, can handle anything. Yes maybe physically, but honey don’t let me mention about you all losing a job, OH My God, I’m talking about serious pain you all let the world feel, When you loose your jobs or money it leads to such pain for you that the world have to suffer. But usually God will tired of you and he will get rid of you.
And what is it that you all do?

Well I say that it starts from *Robbery, and robbery leads to *Murder because either you call yourself killing off any suspected witnesses or scared out of your wits, You may loose contact of your family some how your wife my leave you and you don’t have a girlfriend so what that leads to, Oh it’s called *Rape and you know what you end up killing her because you don’t want her to rat out on you, and worst she may be carrying your baby and nothing is worst than piling more responsibility on yourself when you don’t have a job because sweetheart if she doesn’t have an abortion and results come in that your that babies father you are in deeper water, and from Rape either Prison or Killing yourself.

Robbery, Murder, and Rape all could have been avoided if you had’ve swallowed your pride, sacrificed the little power you had and went to Jesus for help in your time of need.

In real life there are millions of men in Prison or in there Graves all because they lost power and had too much pride.

Now I am telling you that I would rather have temporary pains and go through only moments of Labour baring a child than doing crazy things to hurt other people all because of my pain and worst of all until death hits me, now that is pathetic. At least I won’t go to Prison for screaming at someone because I may have a few cramps or giving birth to a child. So again you are just JEALOUS of the fact that what we go through is only temporary and is able to cope and bare with it. Once agian I am thankful and proud to be a woman. Maybe you can consider joining up with us like the rest of the Homo’s are doing and maybe, just maybe things will be much easier for you as it is for us already.

So glad you opened up to us, anything else you may have in mind that needs to be leaked out? Just say it..

So long now fellas and don’t work too hard because it may not be chance for you to call off work for a break, you know you need your money now don’t you HA HA HA HA AAAHH HA HA HA WHO’S LAUGHING NOW!!! HA HA HA

Wow this dude who owns this site is going to burn in hell…laugh now….cry later…. read the bible and stop making things up….what you doing is very bad….you are so nieve that you don’t realise the end is very near only a few more pages to go in the bible….maybe your the type to see it then I’ll believe it…sorry mate it will be too late for you….as for the others on this site mocking him….I hope you enjoy your time with satan in the pits of hell…..its all up to every individual to decide there fate….the believers have been told by the bible to tell the people he’s coming if they want to believe than that’s fine, if they don’t now walk away from them and he will deal with them…..read the bible its there in black and white!!!!

i wont mock God but i feel ..why did God make women if man doesnt even respect or love them…im sorry i just dont believe majority of men actually fall deep in love.. i think their just sexed crazed creatures who need their needs satisfied and need company .. i just think wow why would God have us women go crazy for love ..when men could care less ?

Uhm like…why are we all roleplaying to this idiot pretending he’s God ???Firstly it’s blasphemous to depict the The Divine with human qualities.And secondly,this dweeb’s only spreading hate speech towards women cuz he’s probably the rugmunching nerd/geek that mostly got rejected back in his sophomore years.So dude,why dont you just stop fapping off to biblical patriarchy and go out and pick up a chick,bust a nut and SHUT THE FUUUUUCK UP!!!

Women should not be allowed to have their own sports leagues they should only play with men and not have their own seep rate leagues either. Real women play with on men’s sports teams instead of playing in only womens leagues or they watch men in sports

I hate women cops the other day I got pulled over by a female cop and it makes me mad to see women cops or women firefighters these are both men’s jobs women should not be allowed to be cops or firefights either

Dude this made my fucking day. God and I have tons in common in this aspect of life. Yea…. There fun to look at and all but In the world of mathematical sense no women on earth or beyond is worth the dribble at the end of my … Well you know. They are all lieng Coniving whores. They fucked us in the beginning so naturally they fuck is always….

Also to all the female replies that say men don’t achieve the feeling of love and therefore should not have women…. Bullshit in my 30 yrs I’ve seen more deviant whores then men unable to achieve love… You see men achieve the feeling only to have the dumb bitch open up like a cafe lmao. It is women who pretend love is there aim and only seem loving when there on there back.