Look, I need some guys found, see? One's a big galoot, six-four, two-and-a-half bills, goes by the name "Papi". Funny beard -- like a strap for an old bomber helmet. Ain't seen him since, shoot, almost two years ago. Last we heard of him, his wrist clicked something fierce when he handled the old ash stick.

Here' s another: Old Daisuke, the Terror from Tokyo. Seems he's all tuckered out from his international scene-making -- which is the last time he hit on all sixes. These days, well, it's the other guy that's doing the hitting, and old Daisuke's the palooka.

And while you're at it, Dick, put out an APB on the General. Seems old Beckett's high tailed it after his run in with the commish. Can't blame him. Old Selig came down pretty hard on the General after he let loose that Anaheim torpedo at Bobby A. If you find him, keep him away from the bearcats -- those hot-tempered Doras will just wear out our good General!

Any hoops, us and the guys, we need these gents here, see? Or else those Bronx bums and Tampa Bay teetotalers will have us over a barrel. Hell, half the team is up to their ears in giggle water because our season's barely started and we're already staring at one big banana slick of a record.