UC Quality Moments Mondays

The Uncanny Canadian had a few zingers this weekend. For those of you who know UC, it’s about waiting for the moment. And when you get it — look out!

On Sunday morning UC started complaining about the unequalness of engagement. (Yes, I know what you are thinking. That is a good question to which AG is not speaking to right now). His comment:

“Do you know how much a diamond costs? You put out like $12,000 and what, she buys you a steak?”

He chased it with waking AG this morning with:

“I was dreaming about monkeys. They all came running in with shirts on and knives. They took of their shirts and it got ugly.”

You gotta love UC!

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Brando: That’s a reasonable request except then you guys watch things like, em, the Red Sox games and AG has to compete for love and attention. And Cookie Jesus as my witness, AG does NOT compete for attention.

Elizabeth: Glad you think so. We aim to please!

Mitz: I think you should. You know, MR, Peter, Jimmy and YJA are fancy boys. Why can’t they chip in and split it four ways. You could certainly purchase 4 Omaha Steaks in the mail for them in return. That seems very reasonable.

No, UC is not thinking of a $12,000 diamond. UC gets really really worried when he hears phrases lobbed about like “at least one carat” or “three stone settings” and sometimes needs to provide a harsh reality check. UC likes CDs and mutual funds far more than shiny minerals.

As for the monkeys, they were all wearing T-shirts that indicated what tribe they belonged to. The T-shirts all got thrown into a closet and then it was quite the battle. The above conversation only happened because I when I woke up from said dream, AG was apparently in the middle of some conversation with me, and I needed her to know that the only thought on my mind had to do with cute somewhat violent tribal monkeys. Honestly, who here hasn’t had crazy monkey dreams?

Those were all tacky settings. Speaking of tacky, I just the following on some gay guys blog, and although I imagine it’s been “making the rounds,” I’d like lots of people to visit his blog and be mean. He is no student of Jonathan Swift. Or even swift. His blog can be found here, and this is what he wrote:

In honor of the rally planned for tomorrow…
… just about everywhere, I give you a letter that is making the rounds on the internets. My brother send it to me a few weeks ago, and TheHusband received it the other day from a completely different source.

Dear President Bush:

I’m about to plan a little trip with my kids and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I’m going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements.

I know you can help with this. I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I’m sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I’m on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. All government forms need to be printed in English.

4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.

5. Schools need to include classes on U.S. culture and history.

6. I want my kids to see the U.S. flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.

7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver’s license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won’t make any effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don’t enforce any labor laws or tax laws.

13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won’t mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely. However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.

BG, we are not cobagging or whatever it was that y’all call it. I sleep over there, but I have two homes that clearly have my name on the mailbox and neither say, “Girlfriend and Canadian”. Plus, Jews don’t believe in sin, so if we were, we’d be OK.

Schmoopies, I’ve never had a monkey dream and I agree, Pinko should stop pressuring you for a three carat ring. If you love him, I guess you’ll have to dig into the Canadia bank accounts. Just sayin’.

And Res, I knew that one was coming. I smelled that like a, oh nevermind…

Quite, three months salary for a lifetime supply of blowjobs seems alright to me. Although I do mean lifetime and this would be defined as at least 3 a day. Of course, she would be also be getting flowers daily.