Smokey the Bear!

YES, YES, I’m well aware there’s no “the” in Smokey the Bear! It’s just “Smokey Bear!” Believe me, nothing pisses off forest rangers as well as Smokey Bear memorabilia collectors more than inserting “the” between “Smokey” and “Bear.” But forget about all that for now.

The important thing is you’re finally here!

Listen, I started noticing these ads last year…
…and like you, I hoped they’d just go away if we ignored them.

But they didn’t! In fact, last week I noticed a great big billboard by the freeway with this same slogan on it.

Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?!

And how exactly does one get one’s Smokey on? What the hell does that mean?!

And what’s up with Smokey’s fingernails? Was he fighting a forest fire, got clobbered in the hand with a fire shovel, the nail turned black and is now on its way to falling off? I guess if you’re going with bad decisions here, you might as well go all out. “Hey, we’ve come up with this slogan for the new PSA – Get Your Smokey On – and we’re going to give Smokey fingernails. And they’re going to be black.”

Come on! He’s all furry! He doesn’t need fingernails! That’s like giving a Muppet fingernails. Does Cookie Monster have fingernails? Does Grover? I rest my case.

It might have been worse, though. They could have gone with

got only YOU can prevent forest fires?

I’m pretty sure that was next on the list if the US Forest Service nixed this brainstorm.

Why is “Get Your Smokey On” so offensive to the likes of you and me? Because in 1994, they offered us this…

…which was inspired. Here we all expected Smokey to do some awful rap in what would have been a very misguided attempt at reaching kids, but then he stops mid-rhyme, grouses about the whole affair, and then just delivers his standard “Only You…” message. This was perfect.

And then, sixteen or so years later, they hit us with “Get Your Smokey On.” Why? For God’s sake why?!