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Boyfriend's Son is a Nightmare

I feel so down today. My boyfriend's son just got on probation and he has already broken it. He refuses to go to school, even though the probation officer has made it a part of his probation that he has to go to school, unless he is sick and he isn't sick. He is so angry and I can understand that as his mother legally abandoned him and he has no choice in the matter of which parent he wished to live with. What makes it so horrible though is that he takes it out on us. He won't talk to us or communicate and stays in his room all the time, except the weekends when he goes to his friend's house without permission , again another violation as he has to be at home by 9 pm 7 days a week. I don't know what is going to happen to him as he is on his way to juvenile jail. I don't know how many times the probation department will allow him to violate the terms of his probation before they incarcerate him. I am about ready to leave this situation and would if I had enough income to live on my own. But with the lupus, fibromyalgia and my age, I just can't work full time anymore. Don't even know if I could keep a part/time job? I just don't know what to do. At the moment, it takes the two of our incomes to keep this place going. Another problem is that his son's mother won't pay child support and we don't know where she is. We think she went to Sweden, but don't know for sure. Please pray for me.

It sure is difficult to be the girlfriend. I really don't consider myself the stepmom. I try not to butt in, but sometimes it's really difficult not too. My daughter is a counselor and she gives me good advice, and my former sister-in-law is too. The social worker was coming for awhile, but she really wasn't any help because she always blamed us and it is the boy that has the problem and he refuses to change his attitude. Also, the social worker told my boyfriend to leave me and get a room with his son. The two of them together in one room is not a good idea. They would definitely get on each other's nerves. Also, she would end up breaking up a 10 year relationship between me and my boyfriend. In my opinion, the social worker overstepped her boundaries. There just doesn't seem to be a solution to this problem. If the boy goes somewhere else, we have to pay for his board and care and we can't afford it. I am retired and my boyfriend is currently on unemployment. If he gets a position welding again and makes the kind of money he was making before he got hurt on the job, then it's a different story. We could afford to house him elsewhere. I know that sounds awful, but no one understands what it is like to live like this and he is here in the house 24/7. That would get on anyone's nerves.

The Following User Says Thank You to steve.b For This Useful Post:

Well last night we had to call the police. I don't know what the policewoman said to my boyfriend's son (something about respecting his father) but he actually got up, went to school and got enrolled. It's a first step!

DOW,
I saw so many students just like him when I was teaching, it broke my heart! Some kids have to learn the hard way. I think that maybe the police officer gave him the low-down on what juvie hall is really like.
We did see a few kids turn around when their parents got very involved at school. Since he's not currently working, would your boyfriend be willing to go to school with his son for a week or so? We had a few parents who did this - went to every class with their kid, ate lunch with them and volunteered at the tutoring sessions after school. Some of them kept coming back to volunteer, and that seemed to start making a difference to their own kids and to the others that needed a helping hand.
The boy probably feels unloved and unwanted thanks to his Mom. Maybe his Dad could step in and show him that he values him and that he considers what he is doing at school to be very valuable.
Teens are really tough to deal with, but I really do love them!
Take care of yourself.
Hugs,
Marla

Hi. While I don't have kids of my own, I work with families that have similar problems each day. I work with a lot of kids going through the justice system and I can see the impact that this has on their families. One of the most common things I see though is children who are traumatised and how this has affected them as they grow up. While I don't know anything about the situation your partner's son has been through, I can only imagine the pressure that his behaviour has put on his dad and yourself. I dont know if this is helpful at all but trying to understand why he behaves the way he does can be a start. When the families I work with finally understood exactly why their child/children were behaving in that way and how best to deal with it, it went a long way to repairing the strain on the relationship. The most important part of ensuring that his behaviour doesn't put unnecessary strain on your relationship, taking time out for the two of you and making sure you have someone to talk to about how you feel.
If you want to contact me via private message, i'd be happy to pass on some information for you about ways you can deal with his behaviour.
Hope you get some relief soon!

Marla, his Dad does what he can. But he is overwhelmed, trying to get him to school, waiting on him hand and foot, looking for work, and dealing with the bureaucratic issues his kid has generated, etc. that I don't think at this time he can do it. Besides he has some unresolved issues associated with school himself that he has a hard time dealing with. Thanks for your suggestions though. I am sure he will implement those that he can.

Thanks Nat for your willingness to help. I must tell you that he has gone to school the last couple of days, but it is like pulling teeth to get him up and get him to the bus stop on time. I hope he gets in the routine and it gets easier through time. He is supposed to let us know what his homework is so that we can help him, but he refuses to talk to us so we can't help if he won't communicate. We contacted his probation officer's superior, only because we are at our wits end with the disrespect he shows toward his father and this household, including the way he treats me. Don't know if things will get better, or not for now.