I laughed because it is too familiar. But with me that is only the beginning. In no circumstances I can let my foot out, remember what Stephen King said about protecting your feet and ankles at all cost from the thing under the bed? That’s one of the reasons. The other reason is my brain. Yes you read it right, I said: my brain.

My brain has a knack of keeping me awake when I am about to find my way to la-la land. If I’m getting comfortable and drifting off it will say something like this: Hey, look at you, you’re almost asleep. I bet you don’t know that. Isn’t it wonderful to not realize you’re drifting off to sleep? You’re almost there; just a little bit more and you’re off. And this and that, etc. etc. etc. By the time it finishes, I am already wide awake.

Other times it will trick my whole body of feeling itchy. The itch will start on the small of my back; from there it will spread freely, only I cannot guess where. It can go whole night on and on and on… Till I am not only wide awake, I will feel murderous also and close to insanity.

I read somewhere that if you lay nonchalantly you will get more comfortable easily and thus fall asleep faster. Just let your body drape across the bed let your hands, feet and head stay where it naturally fall down and keep them there. Just like babies. They can fall asleep in the most strange, unnatural positions which for us adults painful to watch. We always have the urge to arrange them into stances we think are more cosy, snug or secure. My father taught us not to do it. He said if they managed to fall asleep in that position, they must be comfy enough.

With me, that thoughts last only for a couple of minutes before my brain try to convince me that perhaps moving my feet, hands or head an inch farther or nearer to anything is more comfortable than my current position. And before I know what’s happening, my appendages will move on their own accord looking for the most desirable place to settle, ending up with me not sleeping at all.

My brain only allows me to lie on my back. Lying on my side whether left or right will trigger all the nightmare and horror scenarios in its repertoire, ranging from a Ju-On creeping from under the bed and lying next to me hugging me from behind to the Grim Reaper itself caressing my hair from the back. To prevent this I put two pillows against the open headboard of my bed, another two on my left side and a giant hotdog pillow on my left. Sometimes it works, often times not.

If there is any window in the bedroom that is reason enough for my brain to conjure up Danny Glick from Salem’s Lot hanging outside suspended in the air looking through the glass begging to be let in. There is no way it will allow me to lie with my back to the window. Better to be aware at all times than be sorry, it reasons.

Added to all of that lately are hot flashes, night sweats and the urge to urinate frequently. About these symptoms I don’t wish to elaborate right now. There is no need anyway. You understand.

That’s it. You got the picture of my nightly adventure. There is more but I’ll keep it for myself for the time being. Goodnight and sweet dreams.

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6 thoughts on “Mr Sandman”

Sleep is a gift you give your brain. Please try this: as a nightcap, drink cherry juice. It is the elixir of the gods for dream-giving. No, I am not a doctor, but I am an adventurer of the psyche and creating dreams in the mind’s laboratory is a hobby…as is furnishing the laBEDratory with high thread count cotton sheets lots of feather pillows.

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THE PAINT IN CHURCHES GETS WORN AWAY QUICKER THAN IN OTHER BUILDINGS. I THINK IT’S THE FRICTION OF THE SOULS. THEY GRIND THEMSELVES AGAINST THE CEILINGS AND WALLS.

IF I COULD REACH FOR SOMETHING BRILLIANT, THAT WOULD BE THE HOME WHICH BEEN DENIED TO ME AND THE PRESENCE OF THE PEACE I'VE NEVER KNOWN...

Why I write

I write to exorcise some ghosts (there are plenty) to make peace with my past, to keep sane, to let skeletons out the closet and occasionally let them dance naked, to vent. I write because I don’t know any better.

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Healology

“Growing up, I always had a soldier mentality. As a kid I wanted to be a soldier, a fighter pilot, a covert agent, professions that require a great deal of bravery and risk and putting oneself in grave danger in order to complete the mission. Even though I did not become all those things, and unless my predisposition, in its youngest years, already had me leaning towards them, the interest that was there still shaped my philosophies. To this day I honor risk and sacrifice for the good of others – my views on life and love are heavily influenced by this.”

― Criss Jami

Musing

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

“I have this strange feeling that I’m not myself anymore. It’s hard to put into words, but I guess it’s like I was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. That sort of feeling.”

- Haruki Murakami

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeoning of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

what are you afraid of?

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Introversion

“...I also believe that introversion is my greatest strength. I have such a strong inner life that I’m never bored and only occasionally lonely. No matter what mayhem is happening around me, I know I can always turn inward.”

what i’ve been doing…

We were born to be free, to expand our horizons by going where we have never gone before, and not to hang out in the relative comfort and safety of the nest, the known. There is a place within us that is courageous beyond our human understanding; it yearns to explore beyond the boundaries of our daily life.

- Dennis Merritt Jones

Once I had started my solitude, I realized anew that it was easy for me to become accustomed to this state and that the most effortless existence for me was in fact in one in which I was not obliged to speak to anyone. My fretful attitude to life left me. Each dead day had its charm.

- Yukio Mishima

It well may be,
That we will never meet again,
In this lifetime.
So let me say before we part,
So much of me,
Is made of what I learned from you.
You’ll be with me,
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end,
I know you have re-written mine,
By being part of my life…

I'm Michelle. This is my blog. I write about women and fatness, expound upon semi-coherent thoughts I have in the middle of the night, and offer tough love to those in whom I am disappointed; they are legion.