the fastest way to my heart is through my ribcage

Monday, June 19, 2006

You Spin Me Right Round Baby

At some point yesterday I had an epiphany.

If I end up doing the role in this movie next month... I had better kick it into high gear. I've been going to the gym to train my body for the marathon. I have NOT been going to the gym for the amount of flesh I will be displaying in the film. That's TWO different levels of fitness. One is, wow, "that was a good workout." The other is, "I'm still breathing, therefore another hundred crunches." One is, "I can have dessert, because I ran five miles." The other is, "I don't want to be in the same room with a candy bar for fear it will seep into my skin by osmosis."

So I've started my double ups. Starting tomorrow, I'll run in the morning and then workout in the evening for two hours. Yes, it may sound extreme, but if you were in my shoes, you'd be doing the same thing!

Tonight I went to a spin class. For the first time. Summer went with me. She's been trying to get me to go for years, but I was always worried that it was going to hurt.

Ask me again tomorrow, but I don't hurt right now. I DID sweat ten pounds of water onto the floor. Remember that scene in the first "X-Men" movie, when the character turns to water in Storm's hands? That's what I felt like.

No, my problem was the story.

It's always about the story.

You see, "Matt" (we'll call him Matt. His name could have been Stephen King for all I know) was the instructor. And as part of a spin class, he takes you on a journey.

The room is dark, but not so dark that Satan Matt couldn't see that you hadn't turn the resistance of your bike up. The room is loud because of the music. Not so loud you can't hear Matt and his story, but loud enough to where Matt couldn't hear me hurl death threats for an hour.

MATT: Okay... we're on a flat road... we see a huge mountain in front of us.

Well, Matt... I really wasn't feeling like a mountain today. I was thinking more, beach. Flat. Near sunset perhaps. Maybe there are dolphins.

MATT: So dig in... dig in, because it's starting to get dark. It's getting dark and we can't see anything.

Well then why the f#ck are we going up this mountain!? If it's getting dark and we can't see anything... there are bears and mountain lions... Do you even know where you're going!?

MATT: We're lost.

OH GREAT! Do they just hand out spin instructor cards at Bally's? How do you get an entire group of people lost on a freaking mountain!

MATT: It's dark. There's no light... THERE'S A CURVE IN THE ROAD!

Maybe we should stop. Does anyone have a flashlight? Hello!? Am I the only one here pissed off that MATT has purposefully taken us into a dark mountain with no light?

MATT: Watch out for that pot hole! Jump!

Yeah, cause the POT HOLE was my concern here, you idiot.

MATT: There's another major hill coming up. We're scared and we need to ride faster.

No... what we NEED to do is turn around before it's completely dark--

MATT: It's completely dark.

Of course it is.

MATT: We just have to get over this hill. Dig in harder...

Then it hit me... Matt is taking us up into the mountains to kill us!

MATT: Come on! Faster! Turn it up!

This continues for thirty minutes. I seem to be the only person concerned that Matt has gotten us lost. He keeps telling us:

MATT: This is our last hill. Last uphill.

HOW THE F#CK WOULD YOU KNOW, MATT! IT'S DARK, YOU GOT US LOST, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE YOU'RE GOING AND WHAT THE F#CK IS UP WITH ALL THESE POT HOLES! THAT'S THE THIRD "LAST HILL" YOU'VE MENTIONED!

Okay, screw the flashlights. Did anyone bring a gun? I'll shoot him. I just need you guys to help me bury the body. It's dark. No one will see us. No gun...? Then someone hand me a stick. I'll throw it into the spokes. I'll need someone to hold him him down while I beat the crap of him.

MATT: So up high... high resistance. For five minutes.

Oh screw you, Matt. You know what I see? I see a cab. I see me getting in the cab and driving some place for a nice long shower.

But I stayed. Matt didn't kill us. It was a great workout.

But NEXT TIME... I'm not going on a trip with him. I'm hoping someone does a bike tour of Paris.

After that, I had a chicken salad wrap from Famima (so good!) and then went to 24 Hour Fitness to do arms and chest.

I'm done now. I'm at home. I'm tired.

And I still hate Matt for getting us lost. I feel like I wasted a perfectly good evening stuck on a dark mountain.

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You Spin Me Right Round Baby

At some point yesterday I had an epiphany.

If I end up doing the role in this movie next month... I had better kick it into high gear. I've been going to the gym to train my body for the marathon. I have NOT been going to the gym for the amount of flesh I will be displaying in the film. That's TWO different levels of fitness. One is, wow, "that was a good workout." The other is, "I'm still breathing, therefore another hundred crunches." One is, "I can have dessert, because I ran five miles." The other is, "I don't want to be in the same room with a candy bar for fear it will seep into my skin by osmosis."

So I've started my double ups. Starting tomorrow, I'll run in the morning and then workout in the evening for two hours. Yes, it may sound extreme, but if you were in my shoes, you'd be doing the same thing!

Tonight I went to a spin class. For the first time. Summer went with me. She's been trying to get me to go for years, but I was always worried that it was going to hurt.

Ask me again tomorrow, but I don't hurt right now. I DID sweat ten pounds of water onto the floor. Remember that scene in the first "X-Men" movie, when the character turns to water in Storm's hands? That's what I felt like.

No, my problem was the story.

It's always about the story.

You see, "Matt" (we'll call him Matt. His name could have been Stephen King for all I know) was the instructor. And as part of a spin class, he takes you on a journey.

The room is dark, but not so dark that Satan Matt couldn't see that you hadn't turn the resistance of your bike up. The room is loud because of the music. Not so loud you can't hear Matt and his story, but loud enough to where Matt couldn't hear me hurl death threats for an hour.

MATT: Okay... we're on a flat road... we see a huge mountain in front of us.

Well, Matt... I really wasn't feeling like a mountain today. I was thinking more, beach. Flat. Near sunset perhaps. Maybe there are dolphins.

MATT: So dig in... dig in, because it's starting to get dark. It's getting dark and we can't see anything.

Well then why the f#ck are we going up this mountain!? If it's getting dark and we can't see anything... there are bears and mountain lions... Do you even know where you're going!?

MATT: We're lost.

OH GREAT! Do they just hand out spin instructor cards at Bally's? How do you get an entire group of people lost on a freaking mountain!

MATT: It's dark. There's no light... THERE'S A CURVE IN THE ROAD!

Maybe we should stop. Does anyone have a flashlight? Hello!? Am I the only one here pissed off that MATT has purposefully taken us into a dark mountain with no light?

MATT: Watch out for that pot hole! Jump!

Yeah, cause the POT HOLE was my concern here, you idiot.

MATT: There's another major hill coming up. We're scared and we need to ride faster.

No... what we NEED to do is turn around before it's completely dark--

MATT: It's completely dark.

Of course it is.

MATT: We just have to get over this hill. Dig in harder...

Then it hit me... Matt is taking us up into the mountains to kill us!

MATT: Come on! Faster! Turn it up!

This continues for thirty minutes. I seem to be the only person concerned that Matt has gotten us lost. He keeps telling us:

MATT: This is our last hill. Last uphill.

HOW THE F#CK WOULD YOU KNOW, MATT! IT'S DARK, YOU GOT US LOST, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE YOU'RE GOING AND WHAT THE F#CK IS UP WITH ALL THESE POT HOLES! THAT'S THE THIRD "LAST HILL" YOU'VE MENTIONED!

Okay, screw the flashlights. Did anyone bring a gun? I'll shoot him. I just need you guys to help me bury the body. It's dark. No one will see us. No gun...? Then someone hand me a stick. I'll throw it into the spokes. I'll need someone to hold him him down while I beat the crap of him.

MATT: So up high... high resistance. For five minutes.

Oh screw you, Matt. You know what I see? I see a cab. I see me getting in the cab and driving some place for a nice long shower.

But I stayed. Matt didn't kill us. It was a great workout.

But NEXT TIME... I'm not going on a trip with him. I'm hoping someone does a bike tour of Paris.

After that, I had a chicken salad wrap from Famima (so good!) and then went to 24 Hour Fitness to do arms and chest.

I'm done now. I'm at home. I'm tired.

And I still hate Matt for getting us lost. I feel like I wasted a perfectly good evening stuck on a dark mountain.