There’s nothing quite like the heft of a bull’s penis in your hand. It possesses a weight and flexibility which makes it an effective cudgel. It’s also an intimidating weapon, especially when people learn what it is I’m swinging in front of them.

Some think it’s funny of course and I smile along with them. Their smile usually disappears with the first blow, sometimes the second. By the fourth or fifth it’s difficult to tell if they’ve ever smiled at all.

And only once have I defaced a victim’s gravestone with the words ‘beaten to death with a bull’s cock’.