Steve Jobs still innovating from beyond with his new iTombs Burial System

Bereft and rudderless after the departure of their beloved leader from this mortal coil, Apple hired a group of psychics to channel messages from their founder. They recruited some of America’s finest mediums, sparing no expense to visit New Age communities, storefront psychic parlors, and carnivals across the country in order to identify the very best of the best.

Almost immediately upon her arrival at Apple’s headquarters in Cupertino, California, Lady Zuba, a crystal ball reader selected for this elite task force, picked up vibrations from an otherworldly source. She began to sketch furiously, frantically trying to keep up with the visions she received. Another member of the panel, Miss Lucretia, a clairaudient, started hearing the voice of Jobs and transcribed all that she heard. The following is an excerpt from that session:

“I am proud to announce the next generation in interment technology: the iTombs Burial System. The timeless, sleek lines of the iCoffin and the compact design of the iUrn are like nothing the world has ever seen before. Perfect for those who want something truly cutting-edge for their eternal rest. The iTombs Burial System also features the iTombs app, which allows loved ones to text messages to the deceased and send virtual flowers for special occasions (special data rates may apply). The iCoffin and iUrn will be equipped with special 5G technology capable of receiving signals through up to 8 feet of burial ground and mausoleum walls 6 inches thick. iTombs will finally bring death into the 21st century.”

An eerie hush fell over the room as representatives from Apple’s senior management listened to Miss Lucretia’s message. Shortly afterwards, Lady Zuba unveiled her drawings. There was a collective gasp from the crowd.

Lisa Garcia, one of Apple’s corporate officers, shook her head and marveled at the ongoing brilliance of her departed friend and mentor. “He’s done it again. That magnificent bastard,” she said wistfully, wiping away a tear.

The iCoffin and iUrn can be customized to any specification, for bodies of all shapes and sizes. Both products will come in black, white, and titanium, and will be available for purchase from Apple retailers and funeral parlors.

The release of the iTombs Burial System has sparked a veritable frenzy, as hundreds of thousands of Apple aficionados across the United States are already standing in line to purchase the first iCoffins and iUrns, which are due to hit the showrooms next week. iPads and iPhones are out in full force as the crowds gleefully tweet, blog, email, and text about their excitement while listening to their iPods. Some die-hard users are even using their iPhones to call friends to talk in real time.

Enthusiasm for the new iTombs products is raging across age groups young and old. Dorothy Baker, an 83-year-old from Tulsa, Oklahoma, is ecstatic about the new line of coffins. “My husband thinks a pine box is fine, but I want to make sure I can keep up with what my grandkids are doing.” Todd Marc Phyffer, a 20-year-old street musician from Portland, Oregon, texted, “I may die tomorrow, brah, who knows. If I have an iUrn, people can still ping me.”

Funeral directors also hail iTombs as a major step foward for their industry—as well as their social lives. Larry Tinsworthy, a mortician in Oak Park, Illinois, eagerly anticipates the surge in business. “Everyone will want an iCoffin. Maybe now I’ll get laid.”

The iTombs Burial System will go on sale nationwide next week, with worldwide sales beginning the following week. iTombs2 is already in development.

This is brilliant and hilarious — could that be possible?! I’m carried completely through this piece without laboring — the words work so well and each sentence is entertaining and the idea is fresh. .

The creepiest thing about this is it could actually be true one day. Very brilliant of you to come up with the concept. I saw a show last year where a guy wanted to make a small device that doctors could implant in peoples’ heads right behind their eyes so we wouldn’t have to worry about those blasted cell phones. You just click a little button discreetly behind your ear, underneath your skin — convenient huh? Great post, MW. :).

I believe MS is working on the cheaper PineBox, CardboardBox, and NoBox. The latter solution involves simply slinging whatever’s left of the unfortunate in a hole. Of course, if your virus software isn’t up to date, you be destined for DLL hell.

I liked this so much that I read it out loud to Peter – the email version. Then I thought…can’t wait to see the comments! I was not disappointed! You definitely have a knack for stimulating lively conversation. Have you ever considered starting a salon (not the hairstyling kind)? Oh yes, and I especially like the little buttons on the iCoffin and iUrn. Your attention to detail is immaculate! 🙂 – Cathy

Stacie, I think they’ll probably be coming out with the newer version in the fall so you may as well wait until then—they’ll have ironed out all the kinks with the original iUrn by then… I want to be cremated too, we can totally sync up our iUrns together and be eternal BFFs!

Very entertaining post.
The willingness to embrace the rantings of a small medium, in a large way (sorry, I couldn’t resist), seems uttterly ridiculous to me. Now, I do believe in the afterlife, but I for one would be _pissed_ if someone DARED interupt my eternal bliss with an email or a txt msg, and I would do my best to haunt them in return.
As for her method of alleged “communication,” I have to say, “iDoubt It.”