Rob Hiaasen: Vote for me and get cool free stuff!

I believe it was Abe Lincoln who said, “You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can never fool Mary Todd Lincoln especially when she’s not feeling tops.”

I often think of his immortal words when I’m facing life’s toughest challenges.

With two days left before Maryland’s primary, I am formally announcing my write-in candidacy. The question was what office would best tap into my imperceptible political instincts? What office would help me serve the most people in the least amount of time and guarantee me Fridays off?

Apparently there’s already a governor’s race underway. And something like 154,000 other candidates are running in the other 8,000 races (my numbers might be off, but I’m a poetry nerd not a math stud). The point is I can’t compete in these other races.

Therefore, not only I am writing in my candidacy, I’m writing in a new office: president of Maryland.

After letting the grandeur of that idea cloak you in goodness, you are probably asking yourself why vote for me Tuesday.

That’s a fair question.

It’s also a vicious, hateful question. One of the reasons I got into politics (as of this week) was to put an end to these personal attacks. Friends warned me my personal life would no longer be personal, but I didn’t think the attacks would be so ugly so soon.

But if there’s anything I’ve learned from a life spent in politics (as of this week), is that I have a tough skin. Not tough like the skin on people’s feet who work on their feet all day. Ever seen those feet? Whoa, man, that’s some tough skin. But I’m getting off track here. Back to your hateful question.

Why vote for me?

Free ice cream.

Nothing cheers up a state or U.S. territory more than free ice cream.

Free HBO.

“Veep.” Say no more.

Free paint-by-numbers redistricting maps.

Color in your very own district! If you change your mind, no problem. Just pick another color. Not contiguous? Contiguous-schmiguous! (Campaign note: Rolling out tomorrow will be my “Contiguous-schmiguous! Vote Hiaasen!” election buttons and road signs.)

Free snow globes.

Just because.

Free drizzle.

I’ve been hearing a lot of talk about the “rain tax” and how politicians either love it or hate it, put quotation marks around it or don’t. If I become president of Maryland, I will veto or not any effort by the General Assembly to impose a tax on drizzle or even a “light mist.”

My dear citizens, don’t think I’m trying to buy your vote by offering you cool free stuff. I am. But governing also means having to make the hard choices. I personally won’t be making those, but I pledge to hire people who not only will but live for that stuff.

Finally, a word about Tuesday’s primary. Voter turnout will be staggering — maybe even in the double digits. You have something like 154,000 candidates to choose from. All I ask is that you consider me, Rob Hiaasen, for president of Maryland.

Thank you and God bless the contiguous United States of America.

Rob Hiaasen is assistant managing editor of The Capital. He can be reached at rhiaasen@capgaznews.com.