Morning Feature: Pizza or Muffins? (Ask Ms. Crissie)

Professor Plum won the resident faculty pool on the Florida straw poll. “It wasn’t a big pool,” he said. “But I can afford breakfast.” (More)

We note that BPI has never charged the resident faculty for breakfast. As Professor Plum strutted away with Ms. Scarlett to join his colleagues in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”), we realized that was his way of saying he’d found the Squirrel’s most recent hiding spot for the mail.

We asked the Squirrel for an explanation, but he was busy combining subtle traps with clever bluffs to build a sizable lead in the staff poker game. At least he’s been learning something while procrastinating his research. The Professor of Astrology Janitor seemed to be onto the Squirrel’s pattern, and reraised after the Squirrel opened the next pot. Chef quietly called, as did the Squirrel. The King-Jack-Six, all-Diamond flop drew a check from the Squirrel. The Professor of Astrology Janitor checked behind, as did Chef. The King of Spades on the turn brought another check from the Squirrel. This time the Professor of Astrology Janitor bet. When Chef called and the Squirrel folded, the Professor of Astrology Janitor knew he was half-right: His Tuftedness had been bluffing. By contrast, Chef’s call was suspicious. Did she have two higher Diamonds for a better flush than his, a King and Jack for a full house, or just a King for three-of-a-kind? When the Deuce of Hearts fell on the river, the Professor of Astrology Janitor bet again. Chef called. She didn’t have a better flush, or a King and a Jack for a full house, or even a King for three-of-a-kind. Instead she had two Sixes … for a different full house.

The Professor of Astrology Janitor began his plaintive mewling, and Chef left to prepare Sixteen Dollar Pancakes, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I’m writing to congratulate Herman Cain on winning the Florida straw poll. I’m sure you liberals will say this is because I was terrible in Thursday’s debate, but this was really a defeat for Mitt Romney. You’ve seen what happens when our county picks a president who emphasizes words over deeds. Americans don’t need more slick promises, we need a principled leader who will stand on conservative values. Floridians and voters nationally want a candidate who is clear on the issues and talks honestly about the future, not someone who takes multiple sides of an issue and changes views every election season. Today’s vote demonstrates that Floridians are energized and ready to help get America working again.

Rick in TX

Dear Rick,

We applaud you for congratulating Mr. Cain. However, we suggest your rationale lacks credibility. You drew only 37 more votes than Mr. Romney, out of 2657 cast, and Mr. Romney did not actively compete in the Florida straw poll. We agree that Americans don’t need slick promises. They do, however, need leaders who offer coherent answers to simple questions. And as for taking multiple sides of an issue, have you read your own book?

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

My victory in the Florida straw poll is a sign of our growing momentum and my candidacy that cannot be ignored. I will continue to share my message of ‘common sense solutions’ across this country and look forward to spending more time in Florida, a critical state for both the nomination and the general election. And I’m proof that the Tea Party is not racist.

Herman in GA

Dear Herman,

We agree that your candidacy cannot be ignored. However, we say that because it would be dangerous to ignore a candidate who wants to build a Great Wall of China, complete with a moat and alligators across, our southern border, would require Muslims who want to work in government to take a special loyalty oath, and would tolerate LGBTs only because you think they oppose sharia law. As for proof that the Tea Party is not racist, you are simply proof that the Tea Party will accept a black candidate willing to stoke paranoia about other non-whites. Or as you and they call it, ‘common sense.’

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

You’re ignoring the big picture of wasteful government spending like the Department of Justice Muffin-gate. Unless people are fired, and heads roll, you never get changes made. Congress can’t fire people, so it’s got to be the president. That’s where the buck stops. He delegates it to other people. And somebody in the senior core of executives has got to just decide we aren’t going to spend $16 for muffins, and anybody who does is going to be fired.

Chuck in IA

Dear Chuck,

We agree there is wasteful government spending, such as a five-year Department of Justice investigation of voter fraud under the Bush administration that turned up only a handful of cases. The DOJ conference that you and the media have dubbed Muffin-gate was a mere pittance by comparison. What’s more, the DOJ did not spend $16 for muffins. They spent $16 per person for food and beverage service including fresh fruit, coffee, juice, muffins, and staff service in a 450-seat ballroom and a dozen other meeting rooms, with sales tax and gratuity included. As an online wit noted, Muffin-gate is like complaining about spending $20,000 for windshield wiper blades … without noting they come attached to a car.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Forget Muffin-gate. We want to know about Chef’s Sixteen Dollar Pancakes, and we demand that recipe before our customary six-hour debate over whether to take a bathroom break.

The Faculty Senate in Blogistan

Dear Faculty Senate,

We apologize for the confusion. To make Sixteen Dollar Pancakes, stir 2 cups Bisquick, 1 cup milk, and 2 eggs until blended. Then use a tablespoon to pour the batter onto a lightly-oiled griddle, preheated to 375°F. Cook until the edges are dry, then turn and cook until golden. Each pancake will be about the size of a silver dollar, hence their name, and Chef makes 16 pancakes per resident faculty member. She tops them with butter and maple syrup. Bon appétit!

8 Comments

winterbanyan
on September 25, 2011 at 7:48 am

I don’t know what’s funnier, this:

And as for taking multiple sides of an issue, have you read your own book?

or muffin-gate. Sixteen dollars/person for food, tips, service and all the rest of it is cheap by any standards. Especially at a conference. I figure I’m doing good to feed my family with $10, and the service and cooking are free. Plus, I never get a tip.

Should I complain about the tip?

NCrissieB
on September 25, 2011 at 8:34 am

We think Muffin-gate is an example of conservatives’ and the media’s desperate search for an Obama administration scandal. Here is the relevant paragraph from DOJ’s Inspector General report:

Considering the EOIR reported that at least 534 people received refreshments at its 2009 Legal Training Conference in Washington, D.C., it spent an average of $14.74 per attendee per day on food and beverages—just above the $14.72 JMD limit for refreshments. We credit the EOIR for implementing the following controls to reduce food and beverage costs: (1) it provided just refreshments and not full meals, (2) it ordered fewer refreshments than the total number of reported attendees, and (3) it received 15 gallons of coffee, 30 gallons of iced tea, and 200 pieces of fruit for free. However, many individual food and beverage items listed on conference invoices and paid by the EOIR were very costly. The EOIR spent $4,200 on 250 muffins and $2,880 on 300 cookies and brownies. By itemizing these costs, we determined that, with service and gratuity, muffins cost over $16 each and cookies and brownies cost almost $10 each.

In other words, the report ignored the costs of fruit and beverages – treating those as “free” – and relied on the hotel’s itemization of muffins and brownies. Of course, the conference hotel included the cost of the “free” fruit and beverages in with those muffins and brownies.

Even so, we emphasize that DOJ conference spent only $14.74 per person per day for refreshments, as compared to the maximum allowance of $14.72 per person per day. Even without the Official BPI Calculometer – which the BPI Squirrel is using to tote up his winnings in the staff poker game – your lowly mail room clerk can work out that Muffin-gate amounts to a lot of conservative and media breast beating … over two cents per person per day.

We fear that, given their dismal field, Herman Cain might be a good strategic choice for Republicans. And that is a truly frightening statement about their party….

Good morning! ::hugggggs::

addisnana
on September 25, 2011 at 9:15 am

There is something weird about attaching the word “gate” to the end of everything in hopes that it will instantly sound like a scandal. Really does muffin-gate make any sense at all?

May I take a moment to remind Fox News that Watergate, the mother of all scandals was entirely a Republican concoction. When I hear “gate” I see Richard Nixon boarding the helicopter after his resignation. Just sayin.