Christine L. Carter Ph.D.

The Stuck-at-Home Generation

Are we raising kids who won’t leave the nest?

As a child and young adult, I was given lots of opportunities to develop independence. I went to a boarding school at age 14 that taught self-reliance by regularly sending me into the wilderness with only a scantily-filled backpack (no tents or fleece in those days). I was raised in California, but I went to college in New Hampshire, and after graduation, I moved to Chicago.

All of this was somewhat heart-breaking for my parents: they wanted me at home. My parents lobbied hard for local schools, and my father made me sign a contract (albeit on a napkin) saying I would not fall in love on the East Coast and marry and never return to California. (After my first New Hampshire winter, I reassured him that love couldn’t be that strong.)

My early independence worked out for me, and it didn’t cost our family anything in closeness, as we all live near each other now and see each other regularly.

I’d like to foster the same independence in my own children, too. But a recent article in The New York Times, “ The Go-Nowhere Generation,” made me realize that independence may no longer be stereotypically American. Consider these trends, pointed out by the article’s authors, Todd and Victoria Buchholz:

-Young adults are now 40 percent less likely to move to a new state than they were in the 1980s.

-The percentage of 20-somethings living at home doubled between 1980 and 2008. (It has increased further since the Great Recession hit.)

-Here’s my favorite: “In the most startling behavioral change among young people since James Dean and Marlon Brando started mumbling, an increasing number of teenagers are not even bothering to get their driver’s licences.” Only 65 percent of teens get their licences now; back in my day, 80 percent of us did.

While it is easy to blame the economy for all of these trends, young people stopped getting their driver’s licences in droves and started getting stuck at home before the recession hit. So the economy doesn’t explain everything.

Research is clear that strong connections to loved ones, the kind of closeness I’ve tried to maintain with my family, are key to long-term happiness. But that doesn’t require that kids be tethered to their parents.

Self-sufficiency can also be a huge part of happiness, and it doesn’t need to be at odds with a strong community. I don’t think most parents want their children to be stuck at home; generally, I think we want our kids to grow up and find their own path. Here are some things we can do to make sure our kids aren’t afraid to leave the nest:

(1) Foster the growth-mindset, or the belief that people are successful because of their hard work and effort rather than their innate talents.

When kids believe that their success comes from raw talent, they become risk-averse and generally they don’t try as hard. If I tell my daughter that she has “a natural gift” for math, for example, she’ll likely try to make sure she doesn’t lose that special label. She might become less apt to practice problems at home, because practicing isn’t something you need to do if you’re “gifted.” And she’ll become less likely to do the extra-credit “challenge” problems in her homework, because if she doesn’t get them correct, she might no longer seem super smart at math.

One hypothesis about why our kids have become home-bodies is that our culture has become so achievement-oriented that we are teaching kids to fear challenge and risk. If they aren’t instantly good at something, they assume they must not be talented at it. And if they are good at something, we tell them they are talented, which also tends to make them fear challenge. When kids avoid challenge and risk, they get stuck in place.

When we foster the growth-mindset, instead, kids embrace challenge with less fear.

(2) Teach kids to make their own luck. Kids raised during recessions are more likely to believe that luck plays a larger role in their success, which means that they tend not to try as hard. “Young people raised during recessions end up less entrepreneurial and less willing to leave home because they believe that luck counts more than effort,” Paola Guiliano, an economist at UCLA, says in that New York Times article.

In addition to emphasizing how important effort is for success, we can actively teach kids that they can increase their own luck with a little effort and know-how. This series details the science of making your own luck.

(3) Send kids to a sleep-away camp for a week or two over the summer. You read that right: Let them practice being away from you in a safe environment.

Camp is good for kids for many reasons. They get a break from their often high-pressure and high-stress academic lives; they get a chance to commune with the great outdoors, without the influence of the media or the distraction of electronics; they build social skills and long-lasting social connections.

But I think the greatest value of summer camp may be that it allows kids to gain valuable independence and confidence in their ability to solve their own problems without mom or dad. (Camp isn’t just for the wealthy, by the way: Girl Scouts runs very affordable overnight camps during the summertime.)

While our children are learning how to deal with their homesickness at summer camp, many parents in our generation also need to practice coping with “kid-sickness,” those intense feelings of separation anxiety parents get when they are away from their children. (As far as I know, the term was only coined in 2010 by Audrey Monke, who runs Gold Arrow Camp). Gripped by those feelings, many parents inadvertently stunt their children’s growth, condemning them to become the “stuck-at-home generation.”

Let me again stress an important caveat: While independence is a part of happiness, so is connectedness. I think past generations may have gone too far, making oh-so-independent Americans less connected to friends and family than people are in other cultures.

So as with everything, we need to strike a balance. But kids who are afraid to leave the nest will make different decisions than they would if they weren’t distracted or held back by fear. Their lives will likely be less meaningful, less fulfilling, and, probably, less happy. As Andre Gide once said, our children “cannot discover new oceans unless [they have] the courage to lose sight of the shore.”—-

Omigosh! This post hits so close to home for me! I'm 23 and I'm still "Stuck" at home despite trying to move out for five years. I went away to Minnesota to college after growing up in New Jersey and that sadly lasted only a semester while I was 19. Other attempts to move have failed because the person I was suppose to move in with in LA had to move back home due to not finding a job.

I've always felt like I wasn't really my age and someone once said to me that I have more of a teenage level of growth so to speak. Not that I wasn't mature but I haven't really had a chance to "grow up" and she noted that my parents do try to treat me and my eleven year old sister in similar regards. And I totally agree my parents are somewhat overbearing so in some ways I guess I wish they could have helped me to grow up more than they have.

I will move out by the time I'm 25 even if I don't have a dollar to my name. I know that in order for me to really grow and develop as in an individual, I need to get a fresh start and I know that place will be in California.

all the kids we know are going off to college, going off for spring break, going off to jobs, taking a gap year to study. fewer kids have their drivers license now because they're harder to get. drivers ed isn't a high school class, you need more practice hours, and once you get your license (in california anyway) you can't even drive with another teen in the car.

i do feel like lots of kids are less prepared to go off w/o mom & dad. about half of the kids i know don't do laundry, have never shopped for and cooked a meal, haven't stayed away from home other than the occasional sleep-over or grandma's house. parents set up playdates and then micro-manage what happens when the kids are together. one of our friends sent their kid off to college with a car and a credit card for gas. first time he needed to use the card he had to call home because; at 18 he didn't know his own zip code!

your kids need to live in the world folks. and there ia more to the world than SAT scores and AP classes.

maybe these kids like myself had parents who unconsciously instilled fear into them.My parents always told me i was going to have to work my butt off to make people like me and hire me.Guess what sooner or later you think, screw that noise. In addition, news reports and studies also stating that if you dont have a full time job by the time you are 25 years old in your given career the odds of you ever making it are slim. There are also studies and books written that it is who you know not just what you know that make or break you. Studies stating that if your not an extroverted self promoter employers wont like you ect ect. So really its not just our parents that have fostered this fear, our society has as well.

here is just one article that proves my point and yours. The article explains that if you think only luck plays a part in success one can develop learned helplessness. However, the article does say there is some luck to it at the end.

here is another article with comments by highly successful people saying luck does play a part. Luck in meaning being in the right place at the right time, knowing the right people, and majoring in a career that makes money or is in high demad like nursing and that you have some inborn talent for.Most of this can be due to how your parents raise you and your own internal motivations due to personality ect.

most colleges today do not teach kids what they need to know to get into the work force more smoothly. Things have changed and many companies do not want to waste time training employees as much as they used to. So in short, its not just kids that dont want to take risks, neither do many employers. And with many older people staying in the work force longer, and mexican americans and other minorities willing to do many of the low paying jobs with out complaints young people have it much harder then times past. I mean how many people 20 years ago had to take a personality test inventory just to work at a grocery store? I bet not many. I remember in the late 90's being hired on the spot for a job in a restaurant, now i hear most of these starter jobs will grill an applicant like they are applying to be a brain surgeon.

What you've said about starter job interviews is so true. I graduated from university last summer and have had little luck in finding a second job. Compared to 6 years ago when I got my first job things have become so ridiculous. There are now even casual waitressing jobs that require 2+ years experience. If you even hear back from applications (which often times you hear nothing at all) then you end up in an interview with usually at least two people back and forth 'grilling' you about your future plans, asking you for comprehensive reasons for why you want to work there, wanting assurance that you're not going to quit in the next few years to pursue a job that will use your university qualifications. When they and you know that waitressing is not your life plan, that they will go through staff every season, and that asking these questions is ultimately pointless.

It's not just that though, it seems like employers have made everything tougher. I understand that the economy is not in good shape but to reduce pay on a lot of jobs to minimum wage makes it really difficult to save any money. Compared to when I first started looking for a job at 16 the wages for comparable positions have dropped by £1-£2 an hour. What are we meant to do? I barely break even running my car to get to my job, let alone have money to save for moving into my own place.

Most people I know 20-25 are still living at home, or are having to work at least 2 to 3 jobs just to pay rent.

There are the stereotypical avoiders and young adults - I know people that at 23 have never worked - but at lot of us are working our butts off 50+hours a week to earn minimum wage, only to be stuck at home with no savings, to be looked down upon by the older generation. I am sick of being asked "is this all you do?" at work by people 40+ that seem to think I ought to be ashamed of my low status job and that I have no aspirations.

Parents have to stop sheltering their kids so much, that's a major problem. My mom taught me independance from a young age. I'm now 22, happily married, living away from home with my spouse, working fulltime and pursuiing higher education, hoping to have a PhD someday. Whereas most others my age I went to highschool with mess around with different women and sleep in until 1pm daily

"Young adults are now 40 percent less likely to move to a new state than they were in the 1980s."

This may be due to tuition costs inflating over the roof in the past two decades, making it much more expensive to attend an out-of-state college than before.

"The percentage of 20-somethings living at home doubled between 1980 and 2008. (It has increased further since the Great Recession hit.)"

As more and more jobs require additional educational qualifications for even entry-level positions, young adults are entering the workforce later and with less earning power than before. Living at home may be one strategy to cut costs and save for the future.

"Only 65 percent of teens get their licences now; back in my day, 80 percent of us did."

I'm not sure I see this as a bad thing. For one thing, we are becoming more environmentally conscious and having fewer cars on the road is good. For another, more and more young adults are living in large cities with well-developed local transportation systems, making owning a car (and hence a license) unnecessary.

I hope I am not making excuses for our generation, but just wanted to share some of my thoughts about the statistics you used to back your point. I do feel that our generation has our own ways of expressing independence/agency, as more youngsters today are doing community work, traveling to foreign countries, making our voices heard, experimenting with careers, and so forth. Just because more twenty-somethings are living at home does not mean we are becoming less independent.

I'm 23 and unlike the article's author I haven't had many opportunities to be independent. I rely on my parents for somewhere to live, utilities etc. But I've been working since I was 16. I pay all my other expenses (car, gas, phone, dental care etc.). I have never been away from home for more than two or three nights. I didn't live away from home during university. I do feel coddled at times, and I often feel forcibly stuck. I think some parents are unable to let go, in addition to other factors that cause 20-somethings to still be living at home, and my mom is certainly one of them. She tags along with my brother and I (who is 21) to see movies, insists on coming to pick up groceries when we offer to do the shop, wants to spend any time we aren't at work together. I feel very suffocated but can't afford to leave. Though I am anxious about moving out I really want to and know that I need to. I don't know how young people can possibly learn to stand on their own two feet if they aren't given the chance. My brother and I both experience a lot of anxiety and I can't help but think if we'd been given the opportunity to take risks (not dangerous ones of course), make mistakes, be responsible for ourselves, and try things out that this wouldn't be such a problem.
Of course we can't discuss this with our mom because I'm sure she only wants the best for us and she has done so much it would feel like throwing it back in her face.
Stuck Financially. Trapped Emotionally.

Reality is finally hitting me. All these years I've been so much more sheltered then I ever realized. And now I'm paying for it. I've spent most of my life in my room and my life and personality reflects it. My parents homeschooled me and my sister for most of out child lives, then we started to get older and became curious about school. We wanted to be more independent and make friends. We stayed in public school for the rest of our school years. But when I was a small child I was never allowed to stay over at any friends house..
As I got older my parents were constantly grounding me and I was already not able to do much as it was so that didn't help my social skills at all. All I really remember from my childhood was being grounded often. From everything and everyone. I secluded myself and it's only getting worse. I don't talk much. I have crippling anxiety, I've only had two jobs and I'm 19. Never owned a car. Parents still won't really let me drive, give me a hard time about it every single time. It's frustrating. I can't get a job for whatever reason. I feel so stuck. Don't get me wrong, I'm not totally deprived, I have a phone, computer, a nice big flat screen tv, but what I don't have is the ability to communicate, or live for myself. The depression is getting worse and worse. It's getting harder and harder. What do I do.

Im also 23 :-/ ..... And I really thought I was the only person at this age stuck at home, stuck babysitting my sister 3 kids and she is 24!, married,has a career,car,house and despite of her having "3" kids as I practically raised them all from birth and they are 1,3,5 (due the math lol)seems as if the path for her life were cleared and mines hasn't even been created!! ..... My little sister which is 21 is married no kids, has a job....... :-/??? Im in the middle with no clue of what my purpose are. I have applied for more than 20 jobs had success but didnt last long at all either due to buisness closing, hours cut, finding a job that works around my sister schedule to watch kids..... Im puzzled. I believe in God whole heartedly my relationship with Him is far better than how I was in my past. I literally changed my ways, cut off everyone in my past, placing God first in all ways possible. My life is getting better, still seem to be stuck at home and babysitting from time to time :-? .... Puzzling ... "what is my purpose?" I mean I have materialistic things(tvs,ps3,laptop), but of that doesn't bring any meaning to my life. I dont have a car, live with my dad, im always available to the point where anybody can ask for a favor and my "life schedule" is always open!!.... Im qualified to work but NONE IS REALLY HIRING.... Trying to be normal by finding a stable job, getting a house/apartment, owning a car.. for years now. . ..I have hs diploma, certificates in many things, restricts(blah... I can drive, I have driven plenty times before) .... I dont have friends "for a reason" I just dont want to find myself going back to my past, I am a loving person. All in all is wanting to know what im doing wrong? ..i need your opinion you dont have to sugar coat any of your words.. Constructive criticism is the best way to improve.. So please tell me your opinions. Email if u want (daniellep47@yahoo.com)