Tuesday, November 10, 2009

How to be a Ho (Pt. 2): Male Edition

"'He's a slut, he's a ho, he's a freak, got a different girl every day of the week.' It's cool, not trying put a rush on you, just gotta let you know that I got a crush on you." - Lil' Cease

It's true, fellas. That which we often attempt to pass off as "pimpin" or being a "player," is more of us just being hoes like many of the women we end up boning. And that's okay, as long as you know who you are and how to make it work for you.

Show already covered a lot of the "ho rules" that overlap from yesterday, so today we're gonna spit the ones that are unique to us dudes.

1. Do as much dirt out of town as possible

This is kind of the inverse of the rule for the female hoes, because more often than not your girl is going to live in your city/town. Depending how big your community is, you can feasibly run out of acceptable jumpoffs due to either a small pond, a shallow talent pool, or the quick accumulation of a bad reputation.

Plus for guys, the out of town smash is ideal. "I'm in from out of town, gotta go back home tomorrow" is code for "so let's get it crackin, biiiiiitch!" And bitches know what time it is.

And dress inconspicuously. LOL.

This also limits the awkwardness of you leaving in the morning (or before, preferably), and the likelihood that she will get attached or be confused about your intentions. Best part, now you know you can call ________ whenever you go to _______.

2. Don't smash your girl's friends while you're still dating

This will always come back to haunt you. Even if a chick comes onto you with the full court press, whispering all kinds of sexy disgusting shit like "no one has to know," and "is it true what _____ says about your dick?" DON'T DO IT. Cuz now that trifling bitch has dirt on the both of you, and will use it to her advantage, either as a power move to try and pry you away from wifey, or a detonation device to blow up your spot.

3. Variety is the spice of life

F*** with as many different types of chicks as you are attracted to. Not only does this decrease the chances of two chicks you're smashing knowing each other, but it also forces you to do different types of things with these unique women, inherently expanding your repertoire of go-to spots and keeping you out of a rut. The last thing you want to happen is two chicks find out you smashing them both and they have a common list of activities. Make these chicks feel special. Thanks.

4. Keep it 95

ALWAYS be honest about the fact that this girl is not your one and only, and that you ARE messing with other women. They only have the right to be mad at you if you are leading them on. They're gonna get mad anyway cuz women are territorial and if they really like you then deep down they aren't cool with it, but you've still been relieved of actual liability. This also applies to your whereabouts. Speak in generalities more than specifics, and that'll take you a long way.

5. Be good in bed

Simple, but extremely important. Good dick goes a long way in securing one's status as a successful ho. P***y begets p***y, and women talk. A lot. Word will get around if you want it to or not, so you might as well have the chickens clucking about how you knocked the stuffing off their homegirl's English muffin, instead of about how wack you were in the sack. Allow the referral system of women work FOR you.

6. Keep fun and attractive female friends

There is no better wing man than a woman, especially one who is fun to be around and that you genuinely like. Why? Because she probably has fun attractive friends who might want to do you, especially after they heard about that good dick you gave the first chick in the clique you broke off.

7. Have a solid alibi friend

Good alibi friends are often your close homeboys because they can talk to your girl if necessary. Out of town friends and transient friends also work because it's a special occasion when you see them. They're best used for breaking dates and annoying commitments.

I just found out the other day that I was somebody's alibi friend. Chick knew all these details about me, friend of her "man," and I still ain't know who the f*** she was. She don't know that though, so it's all good.8. Do a daily search and seizure of incriminating evidence

Of course you dispose of used condoms and stash leftover bras and panties. But what about bobby pins? Bracelets? Loose hair of texture that doesn't resemble that of the next girl in your crib can be the hardest to find, and also the hardest to explain away.

Anything small that a dude just wouldn't have in his crib, get rid of that shit because it's a lot easier than explaining to your girl why you got girlie shit in your bedroom.

9. Limit public communication with your jump-offs

While texting is better than calling, myspace and facebook are your enemy. Don't even friend your jumpoffs son. If you must, favor messaging over wall posting. This should go without saying.

10. If she gets outta pocket, drop her on the spot.

For real though domestic violence is terribly intolerable.

She pulls a power move to be wifey, or she displays behavior that could mess things up with wifey, she gots ta go like yesterday. Don't let bitches break your stride, whatever you're doing.