Yes, you read that correctly. For the purpose, and duration of this peroration. I will, and by ‘I’ I mean “We”, as in you and I. Will consider Google to be an anthropomorphic entity.

If you cannot agree with this, then you are just clouded by your anthropocentric ideals.

Now that we are clear on this issue, I will give you a moment while you look up one or more of the previous words.

If you already know them, then Kudos to you.

If you did not know them, and can’t bother to look them up. Just consider them to be …On second thought, you know what?

Dee!! Dee!! Get out of my Laboratory!

Back to our regular scheduled programming

I woke up one morning with a sore throat. Like we are wont to do in the age of the internet: head straight to Google whenever we have a problem.

I decide to see what are the causes of sore throats. Just to see – speculatively – If I could find out how and what I did to acquire said sore throat.

So naturally, I headed to Google and typed in my query. Now being the Jaded Optimist that I am. I paused for a moment and considered If I really wanted to know the

answer. Sadly, it is in times like these that my cautious optimism rears its head. Needless to say, I went along with the search.

Before I clicked the t search button ..there was this shrill voice in the back of my mind the screamed:

Dee Dee NOOOooooooooo!!!

At which point, I expected my computer to implode from my incompetence.

My computer did not implode, and I hit search.

Lo and behold, the next thing I know. The search results say a Sore Throat can be caused by an Illness called:

Mononucleosis

By the unpronounceable nature of said word..I knew at once my life was in danger.

At this time, I’m gripping my computer desk so hard. You would need the Jaws of life to pry my stiff and cold fingers free.

PS. If that is what the Jaws of Life looks like….I really really really, don’t want to see the jaws of death.

Ahem, as sadistic as the search results were, I was too committed to stop reading.

So naturally, I continued.

You know things are dire, when all that comes to mind is a scene form Macbeth.

It is safe to assume, at this, point the proverbial Sh*t has hiteth the proverbial fan.

Macbeth:

“And betimes I will—to the weird sisters. More shall they speak, for now I am bent to know, By the worst means, the worst. For mine own good, All causes shall give way. I am in blood Stepped in so far that, should I wade no more, Returning were as tedious as go o’er…”

Basically, what Macbeth is saying is that he has committed himself to his actions, to go back is as hard as it is to go forward …so he might as well continue onward. So clearly you know I continued reading the search results.

The next thing I know… Google lets me know how because of my Sore Throat… I can suffer a ruptured spleen.

I mean… What in the name of…..! .A RUPTURED SPLEEN?….FROM A SORE THROAT?

What the F……….!? …… Sorry for the all caps. But it was necessary to accurately reenact my original response.

So at this point I’m like Google…your are one sadistic son of a….(breathes deeply)

Like this:

I must say, that I find this topic is fast becoming clichéd. Yet, I must admit that it is an ageless subject.

The topic comes in the form of a question. That question?

What do women want?

My answer:

Complex beings possess complex desires and like complex equations; they often possess frighteningly simple fail states.
Do not ask what a woman wants; It is a complex question. And honestly, even if she were to give you a simple answer. You would not likely possess all the traits to fit in her criteria of things she wants.
The question then, should be not what a woman wants. But what she DOES NOT want.

Let me explain:

The “Nice guy” VS the “Douche”

I have postulated that contrary to outwardly appearances. A woman does not want a douchebag for a mate.
The “Nice guy” is merely lacking a major and vital trait – or traits – that the “douche” possess.

Let us act like intelligent beings and look at this point logically.

The Douche or bad guy has the ability to add value by virtue of rarity.
Everyone attaches value to things hard-won. If you found a million dollars today. It would not have the same value as opposed to if you had to work for a million dollars. Although it would have the same cost.

The “Nice guy” gives his affection too easily and readily.

Because the woman does not have to work for the nice guys affection. She does not value it. As surely as it was easy for her to obtain. she knows it will be just as easy for another woman to obtain. The perception is then, whatever is easily obtained, is of little or no value in comparison to those things that are hard won.

The Pedestal

A woman does not want to be placed on a pedestal. She wants to work her way to the top. This is loosely but intricately related to the previous idea of value.

Women can be bossy. However, that does not mean she wants to wear the pants in the relationship – at least not all the time. If you cannot be her equal then she does not want you. Or, to be more precise, you become less attractive to her. She certainly does not need you to make excuses for her should anything go wrong. If she does something you do not like, let her know.

Even if you are whipped, never act like it. Decisions in a relationship needs to be made from a position of power. If you are equal, the power is shared. If you are not equal and she has the position of authority. Then may God, Allah, or whichever deity you worship, rest your soul.

Love her with all your heart. Act like you don’t

Do not be too accommodating. This is somethings the “nice guy” does in abundance.

Let’s pause here for a brief Anecdote:

When was the last time you met a girl that liked you? You know she likes you, but you do not like her.
Your attentions are not readily available to her. You may not even be particularly nice or tolerant to her advances.

Yet, she is still there. You find yourself wondering how or why she is still interested.

The counterpoint to this:

When you find a woman whom you like and shower with affection. Note how holding her attention is like trying to hold water in the palm of your hands. This does not happen all the time, but it does happen often enough for you to take note.

Confidence

If confidence is like fear. then a woman is like a Lioness from a pride: Majestic, Maternal and will rip your heart out a the first sign of weakness.

No woman wants something another woman would not want.

For the male who knows without the shadow of a doubt that he is wanted by many women. He comes with a certain air of nonchalance. When you are with a woman who knows you have other options. But you choose to stay. That choice reaffirms, in her mind, her value to you.

The so called “douche” approaches a woman with confidence, a certain zest. He does not categorise himself as either bad.. or good. He just is. His existence is categorised by his ability – without fear – to seek and achieve his goal.

Cogito ergo Sum

The “nice” guy in – in his mind has already failed. By categorising himself as a nice guy he has already taken unto himself the idea that he possess traits that the woman does not want or find desirable . He creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. He is more engaged in the process of THINKING she would not want him than he is on ACTING on his desire to pursue her.
Women will detect this uncertainty. And trust me… if it is true that men find confident women attractive – which it is- … you can bet your nice guy badge a woman will find a confident male attractive.

My final thoughts: If you have that nice guy badge..burn it. Because, unbeknownst to you it is actually a pass, and mark of permanent residency into the Friendzone.

If you do not know what the Friendzone is, chances are you live there; and it’s already too late for you.