Tuesday, October 07, 2003

October 7, 2003

Sam has some minor problems with the NLCS this year. And God, too.

Jesus. You have got to be kidding me. I waited all year for this? I watched every game I available, poured over websites daily, dumped stats into Excel, actually computed Pythagorean records, and all for this? I spend six months priming myself for a truly magnificent showdown of 100+ win titans, Burly Barry?s Bat vs. St. Smoltz? Slider in a beat down, drag out to end the ages, and I get this; an 88-win champion of the weakest division in baseball vs. a 91-win also-ran who finished ten games out?

That is just pathetic.

And before you get started, save the "clutch performance" crap, or the "cowboy up" load, because it?s no more meaningful or relevant today than it was last month, or in April, which is to say that it?s still a steaming pile. You can drop all of that sort of stuff into the comments section if you want, but it will flubber back at you faster than you can say Eddie-Murphy-remake. Just so you know.

I hate Bud Selig and everything he represents. With every fiber of my being, with my last dying breath I spit at him and the mockery of the game that he?s created. It is sad, terribly, heart-wrenchingly sad, to see something so beautiful die. And all for this, all for one team so bad it needed half the Pirates roster and help from the freaking Brewers just to make the second season and another that couldn?t even be bothered to show up for the first?

I tell you what. I?m going to put this thing up until tomorrow morning and try again then. ? 1:13AM, 10/06/03

12:17PM, 10/06/03 ? Nope. Not any better now, either. In lieu of a National League Championship Series, Major League Baseball will present the following alternate programming: The NL Central Amalgams vs. Jeff Loria?s Opening Gambit Towards Killing Baseball In Florida Just Like He Did In Montreal. Do try to enjoy yourselves, kids, because, you know, real, live, championship quality baseball teams wouldn?t be nearly as entertaining as this crap.

1B: Eric Karros vs. Derrek Lee: Derrek Lee is a semi-talented baseball player. Eric Karros is only entertaining when Robert Fick is attacking him. Lee is better offensively, defensively, and he doesn?t have the stupid haircut either. The Cubs might even the position out if they played Hee Seop Choi, but they won?t do that because Dusty Baker is an idiot. Prediction: Karros hits two game winning homeruns, because actual talent doesn?t really matter in these situations and God hates me.

2B: Mark Grudzielanek vs. Luis Castillo: As a weak-hitting, no-power ladybug who occasionally walks and gets on base and can run fast once he?s there Luis Castillo is preferable, as Mark Grudzielanek is a weak-hitting, no-power ladybug who doesn?t walk or get on base and can?t run for ####. Neither player is notably interesting as a defender, either. Prediction: Grudzielanek uses the excess consonants in his name to confuse Braden Looper at least once and hit a meaningful late-game homerun. Because actual talent doesn?t really matter in these situations and God hates me.

3B: Pittsburgh Ramirez vs. Mike Lowell: Mike Lowell is on the active roster for the Marlins, isn?t he? Didn?t they bench Jeff Conine in order to make him a spot? Yeah, he?s on there. Mike Lowell is a good player. He?ll go play for a real team after the post-season is over and Loria does his best Wayne Huizenga impersonation and dumps every player on the roster that makes real money. Until then, he?ll be the best hitter in the faux-NLCS. Aramis Ramirez will stare confusedly around himself and wonder where the river behind the outfield went, and the boot a ball or two for good measure. Prediction: Lowell ups his free agent cost by a couple or three million by producing in on Fox, where four people from Florida will actually be watching.

LF: Moises Alou vs. Miguel Cabrera: You know, for all the hype about how great a young player he is, Miguel Cabrera should really have posted something better than a .782 OPS. Alou?s the better hitter, but has his father?s knees and is just as likely to break something in a bizarre, poorly-reported training room incident as he is to significantly impact this travesty of a series. Prediction: Alou cracks his skull open running into the walls in Wrigley and lies writhing in semi-consciousness for 20 minutes; Cubs fans are too drunk to notice.

RF: Corky vs. Juan Encarnacion: Do cork trees grow in Miami? Even if they don?t, surely they can get the ?roids through customs down there, right? Prediction: Continuing a plan hatched in 1999?s Tigers clubhouse, Encarnacion too tries to kill Eric Karros.

Benches: You call those benches? Whatever.

Starting pitching: Prior/Zambrano/Wood/Clement vs. Beckett/Penny/Redman/Willis: If not for my absolute and unwavering disgust for the very fact of this series? existence, I might actually enjoy watching these guys go at one another. There?s a hell of a lot of talent in these rotations. Any of the eight of them can dominate any team on any given day. Prediction: Assuming my voodoo dolls work better than they did in the DLS, Kerry Wood?s left eyeball will, in fact, explode violently as he delivers a pitch. I won?t ruin it for you by telling you which pitch.

Bullpens: Bleh. Both teams have decent pens. Look it up if you want details. They?re bullpens in the playoffs. They giveth. They taketh away. They usually smell funny. Prediction: Ugueth Urbina will give up one of those crucial homeruns.

Managers: Jack McKeon vs. Dusty Baker: Jack McKeon is vaguely likable in a Gandalf the Grey sort of way. Baker is just an annoying, pompous ass and a just God would choke him to death on that freakin? toothpick. Prediction: There is no just God.

Series prediction: Does anyone really care? Even if they do, do they really think you can predict the outcomes of short series baseball? Have they not been paying attention for the last freakin? decade?