LIFEadvice: Not enough intimacy in your marriage?

By
Kimberly Giles
|
Posted - Feb 13th, 2012 @ 6:15am

SALT LAKE CITY -- Life is a complicated and messy endeavor. Life Coach
Kim Giles is here to help you with simple, principle-based solutions to the
challenges you face. Coach Kim will empower you to get along with others
and become the best you.

Note: This week's column includes content that is intended for a
mature audience.

Question:

We are having marriage problems, and part of the problem is my lack of
interest in sex and my husband’s frustration with my lack of interest
in sex. I think there may be something wrong with me because I was into it
when we first got married but now I’m more interested in sleep. If
this doesn’t change I don’t see our marriage making it. Any
advice?

Answer:

You are not alone on this one. According to a CNN Health article, 40 million Americans are in a
sexless marriage, meaning they have sex less than 10 times a year.

This is a problem because a healthy sex life is a critical part of a good
marriage. For the man, sex creates feelings of security, love and validation
around who he is. For the woman, sex creates a feeling of connection,
fulfillment and security.

If you are committed to making this marriage work, you must identify what
the problems are and commit to solving them. Here are some common
issues:

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a>.

Low self esteem and issues around body image can create
feelings of embarrassment or insecurity.

Sex can
end up low on the list of priorities after children, work, a house that needs
cleaning and chores that need to be done.

The lust
that fueled sex when you first got married has waned. You may not know
how to create a sexual relationship based on love instead of lust.

You may be holding resentment toward your spouse,
which gets in the way of feeling attracted.

You may
not be in touch with your sexuality. You may not see yourself as a sexy
person.

Some people have been raised to think of
sex as dirty or naughty. This can create a conflict of emotions around sex.

Some people have an unrealistic idea about what it
takes to get in the mood. If you learned about sex watching movies or
reading romance novels, these can skew your expectations.

Hormone imbalances can cause problems.

Sexual addiction or pornography can cause serious dysfunction.

Now, you have a choice. Instead of having mediocre sex once in a while
that leaves you feeling empty and disconnected, you can choose to do
some research, get some help and build a healthy sexual bond with your
husband.

Related

Coach Kim offers two ways to change an overly critical spouse. Her
advice may surprise you: You
can't really change other people — but you can encourage them to
want to change themselves.

Work on your self esteem. It is not your
spouse’s job to make you feel good about yourself. You are the one
responsible for your self-esteem. You may need to get some professional
help on this. You must learn to value who you are. Then, focus on giving
love to your spouse instead of feeling insecure about yourself. When a man
feels wanted, he doesn’t care if your body isn’t perfect.

Make sex a priority. Sex is healing and
therapeutic. Sex can create an environment of love, laughter, acceptance,
trust and honesty. It unites two people and creates a solid foundation in
the home. You must make the time for it, and it is something that should
be studied and worked on together. Get brave and visit a local lingerie and
accessories shop together and find ways to make sex more enjoyable.

Get realistic about your expectations — the
love scenes in movies aren’t real. Make sex about giving
validation and love to your partner instead of trying to re-create a love
scene from a romance novel. Choose to be attracted to your
spouse’s character, generosity or confidence instead of just his
looks. Create a different mindset around what real love looks like.

Change your mindset about sex. Sex is not dirty
or naughty. Sex is a beautiful, loving and uniting thing. Sex is an act of
acceptance, vulnerability, service, playfulness, togetherness and passion
that only a loving couple can truly share and apprecite to the fullest. Work
on a fresh perspective about it.

Practice
forgiveness. Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect
person. You must give your spouse permission to be a less-than-perfect,
fallible, struggling human being who still deserves your love. You must
learn how to forgive past offenses and love each other anyway. Forgiveness
is one of the most important lessons you are here to learn, and your
spouse will give you amazing opportunities to practice.

Contact a doctor or sex therapist to help you. If you have
chemical issues, hormonal problems, or a history of abuse or addiction,
you must get help from a licensed professional or doctor. Also, avoid
pornography and romance novels, as they will create more dissatisfaction
in your marriage.

Commit to changing your attitude about sex and bringing back
the excitement, gratitude, fun, love and connection in your marriage.

You can do this.

From Studio 5: Love texts to spice up your marriage

Kimberly Giles is a sought after life
coach and president of www.claritypointcoaching.com - Cameo Haag, co-
writer, is the founder of www.sexlessmarriagenomore.com and author of
the e-book "5 Beliefs That May Not be Serving You in the Bedroom."