32-Year-Old Forcibly Transferred From College Ministry To Singles’ Ministry

KNOXVILLE, TN—Spring Hollow Evangelical Free Church confirmed Thursday that 32-year-old Jackson Freeman has been forcibly transferred to the singles’ ministry following an impressive 14-year stint in the church’s college group.

According to sources, Freeman, who dabbled in community college for a few semesters in his late teens before deciding it wasn’t for him, rode his longboard into the college ministry’s building as usual for Wednesday Bible study. College pastor Philip Huxley, whom Freeman affectionately calls “Preacha Hux,” was waiting at the door with several members of the security team to escort the unemployed Freeman to the church’s singles’ ministry on the other side of the property.

While Freeman initially resisted, throwing his flat-billed cap on the ground in disgust and shouting phrases like, “You’re killing me, Smalls,” and “Ice cold, Preacha Hux, ICE COLD,” eventually Huxley and his associate pastor were able to calm him down and gently coax him into the singles’ ministry Bible study by offering him Mountain Dew and a yo-yo.

“Cases like this are more common than you may realize,” Huxley told reporters after the incident. “Acceptance is the first step toward recovery, as any medical professional will tell you.”

A spokesman for Spring Hollow’s singles’ ministry, “Following Jesus Solo,” which consists of over three-dozen single men and five women in their twenties and thirties, says Freeman is slowly adjusting to post-college life and is expected to make a full recovery.