Bringing Up The Rear

BRINGING UP
THE REAR

Barnum's
Bad Girl of the Big Top, aka Antoinette Cristiani, star of the Russ
Meyer cult classic "Mud Honey" and lead singer of the rock
band of "the same name" brings new meaning to the concept of
"Ass"ymetric Warfare". A legend in her own
time, the infamous blonde sheep of the worlds most famous bareback
riding troupe is apparently using her's ("arse" that is) to
bring attention to the plight of race horses. En route to Churchill
Downs, she and fellow equine activists take it all off in a no holds
barred attempt in exposing animal cruelty by the race horse
industry. --- In the second biggest upset in the 131 year
history of "The Run For The Roses", Giacomo wins! But
thousands of other race horses loose when almost 90% of them wind up in
slaughter houses across the nation. A death sentence imposed on
them for their inability to "win", "place", or
"show". This after leading an un-natural life of
physical, emotional, and psychological abuse along with their
underweight, overstressed, anorexic jockeys - both pushed to the brink
by the obsession for speed imposed on them by the powerbrokers whose
egos demand a "win" and the compulsive gamblers whose
addiction demands a fix. According to the controversial
"Bareback Riding Activists", what is know as "The Sport
of Kings" is in fact "The Sport of Creeps". For
every Giacomo, Seabiscuit, Seattle Slew, or Phar Lap, there are
thousands of Horse Holocaust Victims and "also rans" who lead
lives of quiet desperation - held hostage to unethical, immoral, and
inhumane tradition. Their fortunes, like that of Black Beauty,
eventually spiral down to its ultimate track side destination. As
the main ingredient in a can of dog food or the dining delicacy of some
ghoulish French gourmet. Like Black Beauty, a fortunate few get a
second chance - if they are able to adapt to an alternate equine
activity. But only 10% of born and bred race horses ever realize
their inalienable right to live out a natural life span. The rest
are deemed expendable - "Sent To The Killers" as they say on
the track. And this doesn't even account for the oft repeated
tragedy of trapped and terrified horses burned up by the barnfull for
their value as insurance claims. Once these money making machines
deteriorate along with their tendons - there are some greedy bastards
who will always hold that out as an option. "As the most watched
sporting event in the world, the Kentucky Derby wins hands down as the
most obscene exhibition of moral schizophrenia and unsportsman-like
conduct on the planet." Or so says "The Bad Girl of
Stage, Screen, Band, and Big Top". For more of the "Bad
Girl's" opinions on anything from soup to nuts continue to log on
to "The Political Three Ring Cyber Circus" known as
CitizenScrewed.Com.

(Post
Cards From The Edge Of The Not Ok Corral)

In
The Promised Land

Of

Beginning
Again

By

Citizen
Screwed

A protest novel of True
Lies written as a Dime Novel Series which encompasses The Off The Wall
Spaghetti Western Adventures of an extraordinary family of Equestrian
Entertainers, Bad Assed Outlaws and Bigger Than Life Characters whose
gene pool includes The Quintessential Legend of The West. Buffalo Bill
Cody – America’s First Media Star.

This sometimes
hilarious, sometimes tragic saga of an unusual anti-establishment
culture of freedom loving renegades is written from the perspective of
its most dysfunctional member.

In her desperate bid to
salvage her identity and survive future shock in a world of “Stupid
White Men” in which she can find no corner of The Market Place, her
story chronicles the absurd hard knock events which inevitably lead to
her complete radicalization and the creation of the Citizen Screwed One
Woman Revolution.

This Website and The
Story within was inspired by actual events and real people who deserves
a voice and recognition for their contribution to The American Story and
The Story of The West.

It is dedicated to all
Citizens Screwed every where “leading lives of quiet desperation”
who ever got burnt by America’s Melting Pot –denied their identity,
their potential and their American Dream due to stereotypes, lack of
opportunity or outright blatant injustice by a society dedicated to
greed and conspicuous consumption that determines the value of a human
being based on the level of his or her marketability.

It is further dedicated
to the animals and the environment that our Modern American culture of
alienation has rendered as dispensable as many of it’s citizens.

The Author Ghost Rider A.C.B. is the pen name of a
woman also called “Toni” or “Tony” and the following letter was
written by the man who discovered her story.

Ms Luise Cristiani:

I wanted you to know how much my friendship for more
than 60 years with members of your family had meant to me.

After 60 years as a press agent, at the age of 82,
looking back over my life, if asked what the most valuable
property I had discovered I would say, the autobiographical writing
of your daughter Toni.

She hooked me with
the first page she sent me, which I had Published in a New York newspaper. My greatest
enthusiasm over my life has been biographies.

Toni has not only had a life which made a great
subject, but the need to tell the whole truth, and the rare skill
to capture on paper a most exciting life.

There are many goldmines that are never exploited so
that the fact that Toni’s work hasn't been published is no
criterion of its value. Knowing Toni you understand best of all the
result of her not having complete control during the times people
I brought to her asked to take it over.

The years that have gone bye, have made it more,
rather than less valuable, With luck I hope to live long enough to
see my faith justified in its success not only as a book but as
the basis of whatI believe to be a great, motion picture.

Tony hasn’t wasted all these years getting it down
on paper, What makes her such an exciting human being also
gives her such a problem in entrusting her hundreds of thousands of
words to anybody else.

Eddie Jaffe

An
Open Letter to Marlon Brando

From

Barnum’s
Bad Girl Of The Big Top

After all these years during which you have secretly
lusted after the mysterious runaway Circus Queen who somehow managed to escape
the clutches of a horny Movie Star, I have decided at long last to reveal the
intimate details of our long term star crossed romance.

Despite
all rumors to the contrary, at the precise moment of this true confession, it’s
Elvis that’s dead and buried. Not You!!!

However,
given your present age and weight, just exactly how long you are destined to remain
a resident of the Planet Earth before moving on to further Stellar Impregnations
is a guestimate not even my psychic Gypsy Grandmother could have reliably predicted.

In
whatever time is left to the Poo Bah of Tetiaroa, never let it be said that I
failed to explore the possibilities of thoroughly exploiting The Great American
Icon who once cheated me in arm wrestling and then had the nerve to tell me I
was too Fat to be a Circus Performer!!!

Well,
who’s Fat now Buddy Lard Ass?

I
have therefore decided that since all is fair in love and war, and publishing
too, that my “One Woman Revolution” wouldn’t be nearly as effective without a
full and complete disclosure of why in your entire misspent rolodex sex life,
you could hardly ever bring yourself to spend more than 2 minutes with any of
the hundreds of woman you slept with.

After
all, they weren’t me now were they Marlon?

In
a forthcoming chapter dedicated to our mutually destructive soul mate psychosis
entitled “ The Bridges of Mulholland Drive” I am hopeful that the 60 or more million
Senior Citizens out there still able to masturbate daily to your celluloid image,
will find something in my story to relate to, even if they don’t give a damn about
Revolutions, Rejects, or The Politics of the 3 Ring Circus.

Beyond
that, I am still open to accepting any artistic and financial subsidy preferred
by any big shot or well-heeled individual suffering residual guilt for unjust
enrichment, regardless of his or her or it’s political or sexual persuasion. Hell,
I’ll even take candy from a baby if it will help to feed the 100 or more circus
animals that look to me for care and sustenance.

Like
a lot of other out of work and disgruntled Americans, they don’t give two hoots
whether The Lying Republicruds or The Lying Democraps win the next election. All
they want to do is what Brando does…Stuff Themselves!!!!(A factor The Animal Rights movement failed to take into consideration
in their efforts to raise funds by demonizing Circus People.)

Things
are getting so hairy in The Wonderful World of Animals, that a misfit “ Off The
Wall’ Circus Gals gotta start a genuine, bonafide Revolution, just to get things
turned around. So if you “Have A Heart”, and an “Extra Buck or Two”, PLEASE send
it my way. The Animals will appreciate.

Although the transition from
“Queen of The Circus” to “Internet Pan Handler” was certainly not the kind of
life style makeover I ever anticipated, I suppose one does have to make certain
allowances for progress and enlightenment.

Better
yet, in terms of “Cyber Begging”, if you’ve got an extra 20 Grand lying around
doing nothing, it will go a long way towards keeping me “OUT OF JAIL” where outlaws
like me belong.

I
can’t keep staging these daring daylight hold-ups in order to feed herds of assorted
animals and still expect to stay out of jail without sufficient funds to bribe
the appropriately receptive and corrupt judiciary apparatus.

I’ve
learned the hard way, that’s the way things are done in a democracy these days.

As both Martha Stewart
and I discovered recently, American Justice doesn’t come cheap.

If
she thinks she’s the victim of a political conspiracy that’s out to get “ Women
Of Power and Influence”…. what do you think the government is going to do to me
once they find out the main focus of my “Revolutionary Agenda” is to…..

GIVE
THE BLACK HILLS BACK TO THE INDIANS!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely Her Own,

Barnum’s Bad Girl of the Big Top

P.S.

Just
because I may have a May/December relationship with a fossilized old fart some
people refer to, as “The Greatest Actor of Our Generation” don’t get the idea
we’re even in the same league age wise and weight wise. Circus people stay in
shape even after they become “Social Outlaws”. How the hell else can you make
a fast getaway!!!!

DISCLAIMER

By

Ghost
Rider A.C.B.

My sincerest
apologies to you Mr. Brando for the content and character of the foregoing letter.

When
I initially agreed to act as the biographer of a revolutionary, who has a bone
to pick with almost everybody, even one so auguste and inaccessible as yourself,
I was unaware of the extent to which this confused and self absorbed individual
would go to achieve her aims. She certainly never forewarned me of her intentions
to take pot shots at a highly esteemed American Icon such as you.

Obviously
this woman will stop at nothing in order to be the center of attention, including
casting crude and unkind aspersions at obese and legendary method actors whom
all others quite justly worship and revere.

Her
confirmed belief that you are madly in love with her and will tolerate her need to abuse you obviously arises out of some
biologically induced transference disorder.

I
understand her Mother was prone to psychological imbalance as well. It is well
documented that this famous aerialist performed high above the center ring well
into the ninth month of her pregnancy. Obviously a trick that had dire consequences
for that fat little fetus desperately struggling to survive. Having thus managed
to survive so traumatic an introduction to life in the best of all possible worlds,
it’s no wonder her head persists in remaining in the clouds.

I
can only hope for your sake and hers Mr. Brando, that this inordinately stressed
and put upon individual who conceives herself to be a “Citizen Screwed”, is not
inspired to forward you any other inexcusably rude and unkind communications.

Unfortunately,
I wouldn’t count on it. Like the infamous Bonnie Lee Blakely, she is caught in
the grips of some inexplicable “Star Fixation” and driven by an overwhelming desire
to unconscionably exploit the object of her fixation.

Alas,
ultimately we may never have any true linear comprehension of what all this has
to do with Politics and George Dubya!

That
however does not explain why, after years of expensive and extensive psychoanalysis
and hundreds of woman you were never able to spend more than two minutes with….
You are still unable to rid yourself of an ongoing sick and unhealthy obsession
with her!!!

Three Ring Protest Circus

POST SCRIPT:

The excerpt you've just read is the first act of The Citizen Screwed website and is centered on the continuing SCI FI adventures of the SURREAL SUPERHEROES of a LOST KALEIDOSCOPE FRONTIER.

The second act of the Citizen Screwed website is devoted to the political psycho babble, confused ramblings & revolutionary rhetoric of the disenfranchised descendant the Time Traveling Super Heroes left behind. It also includes some historical facts and some "back story" of a maverick counter culture, the Al Fresco World of Entertainment which includes the likes of P.T. Barnum, Buffalo Bill and others.

The third act of the Citizen Screwed website yet to come, will be the providential contribution of a mystery celebrity & glitter dome icon who provides Box Office potential for this stupefying 3 Ring Circus, Sideshow & Wild West after Show described by the Father of Quantum Physics as .... "The Greatest Show In CyberSpace!"