Talking Politics

Why is it next to impossible?

Have you ever tried to have a political "discussion" with friends? Impossible, right? Passions run high, invectives are hurled. Civility and logic seem to have taken leave.

Why? What causes otherwise rational human beings to be so emotionally blinded when it comes to politics? Why can't both sides have strengths (Yes, believe it or not everyone has some) and weaknesses (Yes, your candidate has some of those also!)? My husband and I have been puzzling over this question as we endure a particularly nasty presidential campaign.

Yet this attitude is not limited to politics. What about sports? How do you explain the amount of time, energy and emotion invested in a local team? In England, fans have been known to brutalize opposing fans after a soccer game. People base their happiness on how "their" team fared over the weekend. I know of a very bright businessman who goes to every Lakers game -- home and away; they are the repository of his deepest emotional investment. And if you went to the wrong school and are rooting for the wrong team…

How do we explain these reactions and attitudes? I think I may have a small insight into them based on a totally unrelated experience I had recently.

My daughter in Israel has a good friend who recently gave birth to her second child. Being a good friend herself, my daughter tried to be helpful to her. She visited her in the hospital, she baked for the Shalom Zachor. She made them Shabbos dinner for when she returned home. Her grateful friend mentioned that her parents were coming to Israel soon and would be happy to bring her anything she needed for her baby.

Being sensitive to people's packing needs, I filled a (large) Ziploc bag with a few items -- 2 sweaters, 1 hat and 1 jacket. That may sound like a lot but they were for a five-month old baby so you can picture the size of the clothing.

Her friend's family was extremely gracious. "I'll take what I can," said her mother. "My husband will bring the rest when he comes later."

"Great, thank you," I said and drove it over to her home.

Being cramped for space, the mother in the end only had room for one sweater. (One sweater? Picture if you will, dear reader, the size of that sweater for a five-month old! It could have fit in her pocket, but never mind…) I was a little surprised but there was still the father. The weather was starting to get chilly in Israel so my daughter was eagerly awaiting those warmer garments.

Then the father called. "I'm terribly sorry," he said quite sincerely, "but I just don't have any room." (May I remind you again of the size of the items?) "Please come by and pick up your stuff."

I was outraged. After all my daughter did? After they offered? Now I had to schlep back to pick it up! I couldn't get over it; I was really annoyed and aggravated.

Until my husband pointed out that I seem to have invested this situation, this relatively small incident, with a disproportionate amount of emotion. The minor nature of the frustration didn't seem to merit the emotion involved. It was a level of indignation that should be reserved for crimes against the Jewish people.

What was going on? And then I saw it. This wasn't about the particular details of the story. This was the place where I poured ALL my anxieties and frustrations -- worries about a particular child, concerns about our financial state, annoyance with my spouse (if I had any!). All were directed at this safe outside target. I could be angry with this family and calm with my own. We could even be united by our shared outrage.

Instead of directing our anger inward, we have found a safe external object.

This, I think, explains sports and politics. All our hopes and dreams, frustrations and anxieties can be displaced onto our team or candidate.

Instead of yelling at our boss or employees, instead of losing it with out spouses or children, instead of directing our anger inward, we have found a safe external object. And so, the emotion is disproportionate, the vehemence against those with whom we disagree a distortion. Yet it's better than the alternative.

It's not necessarily bad to take advantage of this opportunity for displacement. But perhaps with a little perspective, with a little understanding of its roots, we can learn some balance. We can root for our team without the need to disparage supporters of the opposing team. We can campaign for our candidate without spewing insults at the other side.

Expressing aggression and other negative emotions through sports and politics may be healthy -- up to a point. When anyone who takes the differing view becomes "evil" or "unacceptable" or "unworthy" we have crossed the line.

Friends and relatives should be able to engage in friendly, intelligent discourse about political candidates. After all, if we can't, who can? We should be able to have them about sports teams as well (although I'm not sure how much there is to say on that topic -- to wit: ESPN). If we can't, then we've really lost perspective and have inappropriately displaced our emotions. We need a little reality check, a reminder that we are all created in the Almighty's image.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 11

(11)
Eli,
October 30, 2008 1:18 PM

the reason why people take politics so seriously is because the politician is our representative in government. We want to feel that our choice is matched upto our position as much as possible. This leads to our emotions taking over and much rational being left out of the disscussion

(10)
raye,
October 30, 2008 7:12 AM

Sad but true

I learned through bitter experience that righteous indignation is not alway
accepted as righteous. So when someone vented his righteous indignation toward me, it made me very sad. The man was a very erudite rabbi. His lectures were superb and I was one of his loyal attendees. When I expressed through an email my hurt feelings about being ignored at a particular moment, his indignation knew no bounds. He flared at me nonstop. I believe I was old enough to be his grandmother.

(9)
Anonymous,
October 30, 2008 4:01 AM

I Completely Disagree!

At least for Israeli politics, I completely disagree. On the one hand, our fate is in G-d's hands. On the other, the outcome of the elections determine results that are far reaching and can be life-threatening. The dis-engagement caused the rockets to fall on Sderot. Voting for someone who intends to leave all territories and to split up Jerusalem means to me that my home and my children are likely to be under seige. Anger and frustration at such a person can run high - and rightfully so. (BTW, the leftists here in Israel are equally incensed at those of us who wont accept their peace solution so that in effect they think that the terror atacks are the fault of the righists). When elections have a real effect on our lives, then becoming emotional is completely justified.

(8)
Anonymous,
October 30, 2008 12:54 AM

Sometimes it really is about the candidate

Emuna, I do agree that people often displace their feelings onto what's perceived as a safer outside subject. But in this election, I've found that people really do seem to have strong feelings about the candidates. I have had guests at my shabbos table who were downright rude and contemptuous to me (their hostess!) for expressing, mildly, an opinion counter to their own. Although I backed off right away and tried to change the subject, the guests continued, not with strong, reasoned arguments, but with absolute contempt for a differing opinion. That has to be more than displaced anger, but what's it about? And what has happened to middos, to not trying to embarrass another person, to being a mentsch? I have my opinions and I now try to keep them to myself. I will surely be glad when this election is over.

(7)
Anonymous,
October 29, 2008 9:38 PM

thank you for this brilliant article.evrything you say is so true and relevant in life.

(6)
anonymous,
October 29, 2008 7:05 PM

Thank you, Emuna

Yes, I hear you loud and clear on the thrust of your articulate piece that the mud slinging is not only ineffective it also hurts. I have taken a step in my own way to stop this type of issue. I think twice -even if but for a split second if I am able to help someone. If I am , I offer, if not I will say to the person, "I wish I could offer help, however etc......"Sometimes people will ask me if I am sure that my helping them is not a burden to me and I will reply, "No , it's a pleasure so and so. If I could not help I would let you know etc...." It seems that creativity and confidence help in this area. Thanks Emuna.

(5)
ruth housman,
October 29, 2008 5:15 PM

fair and unfair

Hi, I do agree we all need to be careful about displacement, namely how we take out the often major and minor frustrations of a day out on others, or magnify an incident that is outside of all this as it's a spilling over.
In terms of the clothing refusal, that would get to me, too. Why? Well I think these folks could have made an effort and they didn't. I think this is a different issue. I would be upset. Maybe the magnitude of your upset was out of proportion to their refusal. Sometimes people do things that really seem to us to be not charitable and deliberately wrong. It's very selfish and it's perhaps the nature of the beast, repeatable in other encounters that raises our ire.

(4)
Anonymous,
October 29, 2008 1:14 PM

life is too short for lingering anger

Your story hit home as I have been thinking a lot about wasted anger. Of course, there are some times when expressing it is necessary, e.g. when my auto mechanic assumes that I don't know when I am driving with my brights on, but how often is it only taking a toll on me and taking up space with others where positive feelings, constructive issues could be expressed.

(3)
miriam cohen,
October 29, 2008 9:47 AM

people have high expectations of others, but not themselves

I travel to Israel approximately 2or3 times a year to visit my daughter and family, and I will never refuse to bring in a reasonably small package. After all, when my friends go, I can ask them. But it doesn't work out that way. It doesn't change my position, but I am alwsys amazed at how it's not an even exchange. These are usually the same friends who found it difficult to help out with carpools, but never put off their requests. It's not about displaced feelings at all, it's about the unfairness of peoples expectations of themselves and of others. Me first is the mantra of todays world, and yes even in the "frum" community.

(2)
Anonymous,
October 29, 2008 8:41 AM

I disagree

Emuna, I agree we may pour out our frustrations on a safe outside source however these people offered many times to take over things to Israel. I never know when to take up an offer because of this and have been in this situation many times before. I feel people need to be more sincere in their offer for help or should not to so. I know this was not the focus of the article but it is a pet peeve of mine. These people want to look good but really don't want to help. Better not to offer anything and put the innocent person through the ringer.

(1)
Anonymous,
October 23, 2008 11:59 AM

Thank you

Emuna,
You are always so real. I never fail to connect with your message.
A thousand thanks.