Does your partner really know how you like to be touched? How you like to be loved? Imagine you could get exactly what you want in bed.

Before I knew about Tantra, I spent many a time lying in the arms of my lover wishing he would do this or that. Thinking that if only he did this, then things would be so much better for me. Conversely, I found myself wondering if he really liked what I gave to him, if I was fulfilling his sexual and sensual desires. Obviously, the communication channels were not particularly open, hence we both wasted a lot of time wondering about the other’s desires and needs.

If we don’t tell each other what we want and like, how can we possibly expect our partner to intuitively fulfill our most secret wishes?

Information GatheringIn Tantra, different methods are used to open the communication channels and to create verbal intimacy in a context of trust. Being heard and listened to is as important as sharing and telling our truth.

A Tantric communication begins with creating a sacred space. Sit down across from each other and share an embrace. Give each other a compliment, bow down to your partner. With this practice you are integrating a tantric mini-ritual into your life, making the communication practice a special event to be honored and cherished.

Now set parameters for the practice. For example, one person speaks, while the other listens for an agreed period of time, say ten minutes. After the ten minutes, switch roles.

The communication practice generally revolves around a question. You can make up any question. For example, “How do you like to be touched?” The speaker will respond to the question spontaneously. The listener will ask the question and then listen. If your partner runs out of answers, ask the same question again. Note that this is not an exercise in conversation about the subject, but an expedition to gain information about the other person and to practice the art of listening.

The listener’s role is to listen without an agenda and take in the information. By agenda, I mean this – imagine your lover tells you that she would like you to stroke her breasts in a completely different way than you have been doing since you got together. If you had an agenda while listening, you might hear yourself thinking, “How come she never told me this before? Am I a complete failure? Am I not good enough for her? Is she going to leave me because I can’t give her what she wants?”

If you had no agenda while listening, you would take the information in and continue with the tantric practice. And at the next possibility you might try to touch her breasts in the way she described. And you would be pleasantly surprised by her response!

At the end of the practice, share an embrace and thank each other for generously providing this valuable information.

In this Tantric communication we learn to trust that the other person will give us what we really want because we created a safe and sacred space to ask for it

You may feel awkward answering an intimate question. Dare to speak! You are expressing yourself to your partner who wants to know all about you. Although awkwardness and shyness are part of life, try something different. For example, you and your partner might describe how you like to be touched in very erotic terms. Or you could try using poetic language that is different from your day-to-day terminology. The humor and fun involved creates an element of lightheartedness that makes it easy to both express desires and listen to them.

Loving FeedbackAnother aspect of Tantric communication is the delicate art of feedback. Imagine you are in bed with your lover and you are stroking his muscular shoulders. You think that you are doing a beautiful job and that he likes it very much. He lies there wishing you would rub his shoulders harder. He gets fed up and abruptly informs you, “No, that’s not right, rub my shoulders hard instead of doing these feather-light strokes.” You immediately recoil and don’t want to go on. You think you’re not good enough. That he doesn’t like what you’re doing.

Now imagine this. He says delicately, “That felt very good, my beautiful beloved, but right now I would prefer a touch that is a little bit firmer.” You will feel mollified, appreciated and validated for what you have been doing, and will be only too happy to oblige and give him what he requests.

This is a perfect example of tantric communication. Validate your beloved before you ask for something different. Offer love and appreciation – he or she was doing his or her best, after all – and then tell him or her what he or she could do to please you even more.

Positivity and appreciation makes way for change. Negativity and alienation creates resentment, distrust and hurt. While these principles are pretty basic, remember that change begins at the very root of things.

Steve and I are amazed at how many new things we find out about each other in these communication rituals. We must have asked the same question a hundred times, and each time the information we receive from each other is different and new. This is healing for both of us and brings us closer together.

Tantra is a powerful transformational tool that is so much more than sex!