October 28, 2008

My parents have been in town for the last couple of days, and sadly, they must leave tomorrow afternoon (LALALALA I'M IGNORING THIS FACT) which is depressing and I want them to never go and... and... moving on.

The time with them has been lovely and relaxing. This time has been especially sweet due to the fact that I will not be doing any traveling this holiday season. I will be 8 and a half months pregnant by then, and I don't know about you, but that just doesn't seem like the best time to be jumping in a car and driving for twenty four hours. Call me crazy. We may try to get out that way for Thanksgiving, but we just aren't sure yet. So... the holidays are going to be very different this year. And that makes me a wee bit sad. {BLUBBER CRY.}

In other news (ha!), Ezra was in the news!

We went to a Fall family night a couple evenings ago, and Ezra dressed as Batman. I forgot my camera, because I am a great mom like that. Luckily for me, the local newspaper had my back, and they documented some of the fun for me.

When we excitedly showed Ezra that he was in the paper, his overwhelming response was equal to a big fat "Meh." He's a masked celebrity and he doesn't even seem to care. What a pooper.

I saved the paper for his scrapbook. The last entry of which is from... oh... before he was born-ish.

(Like I said, great mom over here!)

The next night, we went to this thing called 'Haunt the Zoo'. You walk around the zoo and collect candy and it sounded like it would be a quaint and relaxing event. When we showed up, we were one of probably 10,000 people being herded through the loop around the zoo. We were packed into a huge crowd as we slowly made our way around the trick-or-treat trail, fighting to get to the left or the right where the candy was being handed out. It was... tiring. And... overwhelming. But Ezra had fun, so... okee dokee! But, probably never again!

Lastly... I have a super fun bathroom makeover to show you guys-- one that was started at approximately 9:00PM the evening before my parents arrived (GAK!), but it turned out great and I LOVE IT! I will upload the before & after shots later, so stay tuned....

October 22, 2008

Yesterday I spent most of the morning backing up my old eMac hard drive onto my external hard drive, so that I could have all my pictures and videos and things in one place. (Note to all readers: Have you backed up your junk lately? No? GO DOOO IT.) This inevitably led me to combing through my old stuff-- getting rid of a million pictures that I no longer need from past ebay auctions and organizing all of our family photos.

Guess what I discovered in my sifting? Ezra used to be a baby.

I know, I know... so weird!

As I was clicking through the memories, a simple tap of my finger recalling emotions and events long forgotten, I couldn't help but feel that if I could go back and have that time with my son all over again, I would have done things a little differently.

With Ezra, in the past, I always felt like I was stuck in a mode of "I can't wait until this gets easier" living. I simply COULD NOT WAIT until he could start talking and going to school and doing things on his own. This thought and this desire subconsciously dominated every single day of our lives together. And as I was scrolling through my memories yesterday, I could suddenly see that ugly truth staring back at me. Like it colored every photo and swam through every video. It was blatant. And I felt regret.

The first three years of Ezra's life were an ongoing struggle for me. A struggle to put myself aside and accept my new role as a mother. I honestly just couldn't wait until it got easier for me, so that I could regain some semblance of who I'd been before I gave birth. I think some of this is natural and healthy- a desire to retain an identity apart from your children is obviously essential to, oh, you know, your SANITY and MARRIAGE and whatnot- but now, looking back, I can see that I was far too concerned with the "easier" future, and painfully unaware of the incalculable worth in the moments racing so swiftly by me.

As I scrolled through the images, I felt this swelling maternal urge to reach through the computer screen, scoop up that tiny, precious boy, and hug him tightly to my chest. I wanted nothing more than to reach back in time and whisper sweet praises in his bitty ears- reassuring him that he was doing great and I cherished him for where he was at right that moment. I wanted to reach back through time and gently take my own hand... to reassure myself that it would not always be so hard and that I needed to lighten up... a lot. And ENJOY my son.

Because, now? Now I feel like we've reached some of the "easier days ahead" living that I've been clawing my way towards these 3 and a half years. Ezra is independent and verbal and he can get dressed all by himself. He goes to school. He is well-mannered and listens to his mom and dad extremely well. I am so proud of him, and am enjoying him like I never have before. He's got my heart on a string like a helium balloon. And all those years of difficulty are finally beginning to take shape in the boy he's becoming, and I CAN SEE IT! With my own eyes!

Along with being able to finally see the wonderful fruits of my labor as his momma, (how sweet it has been!) I'm able to see that these seasons in our kid's lives really are short. The hard seasons really do come to an end. And what we make of those difficult seasons really is up to us and no one else, and how we come through those times speaks VOLUMES about our character as human beings, as mothers and fathers.

I am not entirely proud of how I managed the difficult season of Ezra's first years of life... Feeling like I was owed something for all the sacrifices I'd had to make... looking for compensation and remuneration for every effort I put forth... never wholly embracing who Ezra was because I was so focused on some imaginary finish line that I'd drawn in my head...

Yet, I am proud of the mother I'm becoming through it all. I'm proud of the fact that I can look back and recognize things I'd like to change and do differently. I'm proud of the fact that I am healthy enough to enjoy the gift of my son- no longer hoping for some future season with him, but kicking off my shoes and planting my happy butt right where it's at. And I'm thrilled to know that, for this next baby boy, I've learned a thing or two about cherishing every baby step... a critical lesson that I never would have grasped without the help of his precious big brother.

October 18, 2008

Chris & his dad took Ezra to a lake outside of town this morning and they all went horseback riding. Ezra did wonderfully on the horse (with grandpa), and now he answers the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" with "a COWBOY" instead of his old stand-by of "a GOLFER".

I think I'll encourage him to combine his two dreams and take up Polo.

I carted myself out of the house and grabbed some coffee at Starbucks after the boys left. Then I headed over to the Goodwill, where I promptly found the PERFECT curtains for the baby's room closet doors. And they were only THREE DOLLARS. (I have also purchased a vintage crib quilt... made of amazing storybook fabric.)

The beginnings of a nursery.

After finding the curtains, I meandered over into the baby clothing and proceeded to CRY REAL TEARS every single time I looked at any Newborn sized onesies. I kid you not. This has been happening for the last 4 months or so. Every time I look at any mini-sized clothing, I CRY. I cry because my eyes play tricks on me and I can suddenly picture my squirmy little baby in my arms... wearing tiny little man clothes and drooling all over himself. This crying is, um, slightly embarrassing in public, so I have almost completely avoided looking at baby things at all.

I am going to be a MESS when we finally get around to getting all of Ezra's old clothes out of the attic. A total blubbering MESS.

October 12, 2008

And just like when I turned 25 years old, something about the number feels... suddenly up there. Like, this is really happening. And relatively SOON. 25 weeks= somewhere in the 7th month, doesn't it? I have no idea. Pregnancy timelines are so confusing.

Also, ohdearlord, are those stretch marks already??!

When I was pregnant with Ezra, I stayed stretch-mark free until about a week before I gave birth. With only DAYS left to go, my skin gave out. Not that I mind too much... they don't bother me at all, really. (Battle wounds!) But, I got some stretch marks elsewhere at the same time that I have never quite gotten used to. Let's just say they were a result of an increasing milk supply, and they are MUCH more prominent than the marks I got on my belly. Curse you, small boobs! You just couldn't handle the pressure, could you?

heh.

I'm feeling great but still stressing about landing on a name so that I can start calling this child something other than "the baby". At the same time, I'm trying to be patient and trust that God is hearing my prayers about finding the name. I believe that God knows this baby's name, and that He will tell us what it is when He's good and ready to tell us. It's my job, in the meantime, to try and suppress the inner maniacal basket-case inside of me and just keep my ears tuned into Him so that I can hear His voice.

(This is about as easy for me as threading a baseball bat through the eye of a sewing needle. I'm not the most patient person in the world.)

In other news, I did something drastic again yesterday.

Yes, I cut my hair.

I was getting ready to go to a friend's wedding, and my hair was just so... UGH... and... CRUNCHY... and... UGH&^!(&^!%@... so, I put some of it up in a pony tail and I chopped it all off.

I did it myself, so it needs some professional touching-up eventually, but I feel like a new woman. It is off of my neck and I have found LOTS of cute and different ways to wear it. I can still pull it into a ponytail. And the crispy, unhealthy ends are gone, which is the best feeling in the world.

Also? IT WAS FUN. I love cutting my hair.

So, I suppose this means that, after nearly two years of Operation:Grow Hair!, I have finally caved. Although, I still plan on growing it out from here... hopefully this time with fewer layers and healthier ends.

I could potentially go am going a little crazy over here. Your wonderful suggestions and links have been SUPER appreciated so far... keep em' coming! Please! I promise to take lots of pictures along the way, but first we need to decide which bedroom all of this should be taking place in. Eventually, we will be moving the boys into the same room together, so we won't be doing anything MAJOR... unless you count wainscoting and painting as... you know... "major". heh. heh heh.

October 7, 2008

So... we may not have even landed on a name yet, but I have definitely landed on a nursery theme for this little unborn pumpkin. (HAHA I'm suddenly calling the BABY "pumpkin"... my poor, poor husband.)

The theme will be an understated one, with more of a vintage-y feel... coming more from little objects in the room than any blaring bedding or wall decor...

Owls.

They are my favorite animal and I am just getting this "feeling" that it will suit this little mister well. Here are some things that I already have around the house that will make great additions:

Beyond this, maybe a couple more vintage owl prints for the walls and an amazing stuffed owl or two along the lines of these:

October 4, 2008

Here is a brief clip of my son playing a "dance-along with oobi" game on noggin.com the other day while dressed in his Batman attire. This video clip explains, in short, why my life is so ridiculously awesome.

Also? This:

This past week has been somewhat eventful, starting with the fact that last Monday, I ran over my son's little finger while pulling him and his friend in the wagon. About 30 seconds before it happened, I heard the mommy voice in my head telling me to "warn him not to lean over the side like that". I decided not to listen to my mommy voice that morning, simply because... I don't know. He's done it a thousand times before. Sure enough- 30 seconds later, the wagon wheels ground to a stop as I continued to pull on the handle for a step or two- munching Ezra's finger instantly. There was lots of blood, and a good chunk of his lower pointer finger was rubbed clean off. We've been keeping the wound clean and it's healing well now, but it was not pretty. He's been a trooper through it all. A whiny trooper, but a trooper none the less.

Then my mother-in-law was in a bicycling accident that left her and her friend completely beat up from shoulder to toe. She had to go to the ER that night and ended up getting staples in her elbow. Chris got a call while we were on a walk the night that it had happened, his dad asking for Chris to come help, and Chris took off running to get back to the house before I knew any details of what was going on. It was spooky, but I'm so glad she's okay and recovering well now. A week of injury! Gah!

Our friends who had been living with us moved out on Friday, and we miss seeing them everyday. When they got in the car to leave, it felt like they were moving to a different state or something... like we'd never get to see them anymore. We still see them all the time, but still... it's so quiet 'round here all the sudden.

Finally, my dearest neighbor friend had her baby on Friday!! She was my Bradley instructor recently, and her natural birth went very, very well. I'm so proud of her! I have yet to meet baby Abigail because there has been a little bit of a flu bug in our house this weekend, but as soon as we're all clear I'm going to run over there and kiss some squishy baby face. I am so, so excited for their precious family.

Other than that, not much is new, except that the "great pumpkin tension" is creeping into our household again with the Fall season. What is the "great pumpkin tension" you ask? It happens every year around this time. It's complicated, but basically it boils down to this:

I LOVE pumpkins. My husband LOATHES them.

Heck, I love pumpkins so much that I really wanted to DECORATE THE TABLES at our Fall wedding with little ones. (This is when I first learned of his pumpkin aversion.) If I could, I would decorate my whole house with the things. I don't know why I love them so much. They are just so... orange. And... round. And... cute.

So, the tension has arrived again.

We shall see who triumphs this year. I am teaching Ezra to say, "Daddy, a pumpkin would complete me."

I am a young musical mother who is trying to pin down what I know of life, parenting, grace, and the on-going battle to hear the beep! beeping! of my little heart in the midst of all the chaos. Key Players in my story: Ezra James, he's a sage old 6, Myer Elliot, the 2 year old sweetness, Truman Arthur, the oh-so-serious faced baby bean, and my husband, Chris, who could make even the hardest of hearts swoon. Thanks for reading along!