Tuesday, 12 June 2007

A Hummer unites the worst things that probably can be united: it's big, it's heavy, it costs unbelievabe money, it consumes petrol like nothing else, it's the nightmare of environmentalists, it kills more people in accidents than the average car, it needs two parking places, it's more expensive to run than the ISS and it's engine awakes the whole neighbourhood. The Hummer is not everybody's darling. Nate Craig, puts it this way:

Everything seems to stand against the Hummer. The price, the environmental factors, the people who drive them, the people who don't drive them. Briefly described the Hummer must be:

But who would buy the most hated car in the world? A research by Roy Morgan Research studied 24,718 gives a interesting profile about the average male owner of a "large 4WD vehicle", widely known as SUV. He is:

...age 40-50...employed full-time...with a higher than average income...who views himself as a rugged individualist...more overweight...more aggressive...less tolerant...less community minded...more likely to suffer road rage...less charitable...more likely to use force to get their way...more likely to be involved in accidents that kill or maim people in other vehicles...more likely to prefer beer

True? Does the average Hummer driver looks like this?

Or this?

Is that true picture, or just a sarcastic commentary of todays society about people having the money and the guts to drive a Hummer?

Let's remember, the Hummer ist the most hated car in the world. Why in the universe someone would buy the most hated car in the world? To show off? No. Man who buy the Hummer are just one thing: Real Man. Because it takes more than a toady ponce to drive the most hated car in the world. It takes someone who is man enough to handle the concentrated hate of this world.

When you can cope with all the world hating you for driving a Hummer that simply means you're not a real man only because you got an Y-chromosome by chance. You're a real man because Hummer made you a real man. Nobody is born tougher than tough. Not even future Hummer drivers. That's why we need to support them and train them in being man enough to drive a Hummer. We have to prepare them for the pressure of driving a monster. And that's what we are going to do.

The first part of our campaign should be a website where wannabe Hummer drivers have to pass a test of their capability to act like a real man. Unfortunately nearly everybody won't be able to drive a Hummer. That's a fact. That's why the next part will be a DVD with tips and training sessions on how to be man enough to handle militant environmentalists, wives that want to use the Hummer to shop in the city and every possible enemy of you and your Hummer. The DVD will be sold online and through a special shopping TV show hosted by some real man. This could be the world bare-knuckle-boxing champion or someone who uses to be a topless surfer in the Antarctic sea or Chuck Norris. Part three will be an official Hummer Manliness training camp taking place at the most hostile places in the world, for example downtown Manhattan.

Probably the whole thing can be supported by press ads with test questions or codes of behaviour and an online shop where Hummer drivers can buy products that are man enough to be bought by those toughy wannabes.

Now does all that fit to Hummer? Why can't we focus on mothers who want street fortresses to get their kids save to the kindergarden? Researches say they are a big target group. Or let's focus on hybrid-engines and eco-friendliness. And doesn't all that discourage all the new rich Hollywood and Wall Street ponces that are actually buying our cars? No. Remember: WE ARE NOT A CANDY CAR.

We are Hummer and a Hummer is TOUGHER THAN TOUGH. It was the car that got during the first Iraq war. It is a military fortress. It's petrol consumpting, unbelievable expensive and absolutely anti-environmentalistic. It's a monster. And unless it's cheap, solar-powered and fits in every parking lot in the world, it will be this monster. So just let's face that fact and make it a test for manliness to be able to cope with driving a Hummer and all it's enemies. Because that's not tougher than tough.