(Original post by rubixcyoob)
I've posted in here before, but then things got better and I tried not to think about everything. However, recently things have gotten worse and I feel like I'll be back again, more frequently than before.

I've been the same weight for the past 6ish months and although it didn't bother me before, it is REALLY starting to drag me down now. It seems like every single girl I see is tiny and I can only see myself getting bigger. Recently during the week I've been eating less than 1000kcal and even then it is only fruit, veg and quorn I eat - nothing 'bad'. For the one night I am with my fiance alone we have wine, some crisps and just relax and for that night I don't feel bad, but the next day I feel awful.
It's getting to the point now, that today I have 2 slices of toast, an apple and then went to a chinese buffet where I had two small plates of the 'starter' food, and never even finished them and now I feel crap. I walked around for about 2 hours beforehand, pushing a pram with a 28-29lb 2year old in it and I'll be exercising later tonight, but I don't feel that justifies anything, even though in total I've eaten less than about 1800kcal I'd say.
I've already planned to eat only fruit tomorrow, do a home exercise, go to the gym and work an 8 hour bar/waitressing shift in order to counteract what I ate today.

It's honestly soul destroying, I know it's not healthy, but my drive to just lose weight is clouding everything else.

I'd just like to say that I felt like I could relate quite well to your post. Up until recently I've been fairly happy with my body/weight but things are going downhill quite quickly. I've started restricting what I eat and trying to exercise on my mum's exercise bike/do sit ups twice a day when my parents are out at work. I know it's a really unhealthy mentality too but I just hate my body so much at the moment, it genuinely makes me feel so down sometimes and I feel so alone when I feel like that. If I give in and have something I said I wouldn't or even something quite healthy that I just wasn't allowing myself I feel really really guilty and just like I've ruined the day. If I don't exercise I feel ****e too and I just don't know what to do sometimes to make it better I feel like punishing myself would give me more control but I know it's a bad idea... I never used to be like this at all and now I suddenly feel like this does just cloud everything, it dominates all my thoughts. I don't even feel like I like shopping any more because it just depresses me. Today I bought some shorts but I felt so upset looking at myself in the changing rooms that I just sat there for a while wishing my body was different. It was so horrible

I have to go to the doctors tomorrow as my routine blood test ( have a couple every month) came up with an abnormal liver function test, i'm scared is there any correlation between ED's and abnormal liver enzymes???

Exactly my problem at the moment, in fact, I have another blood test next week for it...

I'm having a bad day on what should by all means be a good day. Spoilered for Snow's sake and others:

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Just been triggered to hell by dessert. Only a bit by the gaining fat/eating junk aspect; mainly because Mum was there, and to me if we go out I have to eat everything these days to prove I'm recovering I'm not necessarily sure this is true but eating becomes unbearable when it's not my choice at all...which of course explains why it'd lead me to binge 0_o
Afterwards she takes me to Asda and asks if I want some pork-pies, quiches, ham slices stuff like that. BINGE FOODS. I'm screaming 'NO!' in my head because I'm fairly certain it's all going to go in an instant but saying 'yes' to her to make her happy while hiding my tears, bloody hell I haven't had a food breakdown in a while that was horrible : /

I still feel like this but a lesser degree with my Dad, who I survived a whole trip to London to to go see Wicked a few days back
I don't know, I'm scared of my mum I guess. I feel powerless to please her. I don't want her getting even more stuck in depression or doing anything stupid as a result.

(Original post by Riku)
I'm having a bad day on what should by all means be a good day. Spoilered for Snow's sake and others:

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Just been triggered to hell by dessert. Only a bit by the gaining fat/eating junk aspect; mainly because Mum was there, and to me if we go out I have to eat everything these days to prove I'm recovering I'm not necessarily sure this is true but eating becomes unbearable when it's not my choice at all...which of course explains why it'd lead me to binge 0_o
Afterwards she takes me to Asda and asks if I want some pork-pies, quiches, ham slices stuff like that. BINGE FOODS. I'm screaming 'NO!' in my head because I'm fairly certain it's all going to go in an instant but saying 'yes' to her to make her happy while hiding my tears, bloody hell I haven't had a food breakdown in a while that was horrible : /

I still feel like this but a lesser degree with my Dad, who I survived a whole trip to London to to go see Wicked a few days back
I don't know, I'm scared of my mum I guess. I feel powerless to please her. I don't want her getting even more stuck in depression or doing anything stupid as a result.

(Original post by .snowflake.)
-hugs- Wicked is awesome, saw it last year.

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Thanks I done goofed again. Mum wasn't speaking any code or riddle when she asked if I want cake, it wasn't some sick and twisted test, it was just asking. Not sure where I keep getting this idea from :/
I don't know if anyone's suffered this from the opposite side of the spectrum because it's more common from restricting (?) but I think I just ate so much I nearly passed out, I went unbelievably dizzy for a bit at least...

Agreed. Not happy about not really seeing Lion but other than that, awesome indeed. Definitely keeping the soundtrack for auditions and stuff if the opportunity comes up Matt Willis from Busted as Prince Fiyero though, oh dear :P tbf his voice was still good, they all were fantastic.
A friend of mine's seen the Lion King too which I'd love to watch someday

Reading your post, reminds me so much of my own struggles with an eating disorder.

I am not at university yet and like you, i am starting this September. I have the same worries about kitchen shares/ and possibly noth having full control over this eating disorder. But i realised that worrying about this too much will once gain scare and prevent me from going to university....once again (like you i am a mature student, only because i have been too frightened to go before because of my ED).

You've come so far, do not let the eating disorder stop you from socialising and being your wonderful, beautiful self

At the uni i am going to, i applied for disabled student allowance which can entitle you to a mentor, which meets you once a week to keep you on track. They are not medically trained, but are there to keep you on track. Most universities nowadays will have vast information and specialist staff that are a dedicated mental health team. I would suggest you contact the disability service at your university, so they are aware of you and possibly set up an assessment of your needs. They are there to support you throughout your studies and do everything to enable you to study at your full potential even whilst dealing with an evil ED. It was the best thing i ever did.

On the kitchen share worry, i was also nervous (and still am abit!) about people picking up on my eating habits and i told the disibility officer and she made me aware, that it may be possible because they will be living with you. But she also made me realise that the majority of people are understanding and kind. And that by the time that maybe somebody does pick up on something and confronts you, you hopefully will be close enough to them to explain it. I think its just best to be as honest as you can be. Luckily i am now (after 10 years) alot more relaxed about my friends and family knowing. If people don't like it or dont like you for it. That is there problem and not yours, but i think this situation in highly unlikely as at uni you would expect people to be mature enough to support and understand (as much as they possibly can).

I also had very similar BF issues, it drives you mad and makes you feel so guity but you cant help it and hopefully he understands that with ED's you can have real problems with intimacy

Basically, just try relax as much as you can and take it day by day. I have a tendency to build my guard up and keep everyone at arms length, scared of judgement, scared of not being perfect in everyones eyes but i've realised i can't do that at uni and no one is going to do it for me. If i dont do it, i will be alone, isolated and that will trigger my ED.

If you want to ever talk i can PM you

Keep your chin up

xx

Thanks so much for your lovely reply It's nice to hear from someone in a very similar boat, what university are you off to? It sounds like contacting the disability office was a good idea, well done, I hope they can give you the help you need and make your first year run as smoothly as possible. At the college where I've just done my Access course I had meetings with the mental health facilitator, fortnightly to start with then less as the year went on, and she reckoned I should strongly consider applying for DSA, so that even if there was nothing else I felt I required the uni would be able to provide a mentor who would be as helpful as I found she was this year. I haven't done that, it's funny how different days are, sometimes the idea I qualify as 'disabled' or eligible for special support seems preposterous and at other times feel so functionally limited and in need of an extra hand. When I get there I'll find out in the first week what is available and maybe just introduce myself so they know me and if I start to struggle it will be easier to get in touch with services.

You are right about letting people be aware of your illness, I'm starting to have the same attitude, which is a major change. People tend to be a lot more accepting and accommodating or willing to help (even if they can't understand what it is actually like) than you fear they'll be and if they don't want to be friends because of it they probably weren't someone you'd want as a friend anyway! Of course be careful about who you confide in, but you can tell who is trustworthy and likely to understand, so if you are lucky enough to live with someone who is a good enough friend, their support could make a big difference. I suppose it's concern that it will make social occasions awkward for others as well . Are you going to be living in halls of residence? I have lived in houseshares before and found the kitchen situation stressful, I get very wound up to have anyone near me or talking to me while I'm preparing food and so can end up too tense to want to eat it anymore and have to leave it an hour or so until I'm calm. To avoid friction with housemates I'd take advantage of when no-one was around to start cooking, but some of them (I guess if they don't have food issues themselves they've got no reason to suspect this isn't acceptable behaviour) would then walk in suddenly and just start using the hob right next to me even though I'd have been finished and out of the way in five minutes, then I'd have to abandon mine. I'm a vegan, it's probably just my worrying brain but I imagine unintentionally rubbing someone up the wrong way, or just them thinking I'm odd, and then they put bacon in an open carton of soya milk I've left in our shared fridge or something like that, haha, think I need more faith in humanity! It will all be okay It may be possible to meet the people you're going to live with online before moving in September.

Thursday was an alright day this week, I went along to a voluntary group I've not been to before, which was nerve-wracking but it was good to have some structure to the day and be useful, then I shared the bed with my boyfriend, except sleeping fully clothed, which he was bothered by. Today in the daytime I met with a friend which went well but in the evening it has all gone wrong again (with food involved) and ended up him going to the pub by himself then going to bed alone and me in another room in a ball crying, I've had to be a let down and cancel going to the party of an old friend tomorrow because I can't face everyone, just having a low time and feeling useless.

It is frustrating that something which should be so natural and incidental and simple to the daily routine as a basic physical need like eating can be so complicated and consuming. There is so much else that needs to be given attention and energy but is made hard to do properly with the preoccupation and exhaustion of disordered eating. I'm fast coming to feel very resentful towards food because it seems to be a wall between me and being able to give my boyfriend what he deserves; it's damaging the mended relationship with my mum because I (wrongly but instinctivey) attribute some blame to her; because it and the effects it evokes take time, attention, motivation and energy away from the important things that need doing, and because if I don't get this sorted out before September it is going to make settling into university very difficult. I don't want to resent it, I want it to be a normal, enjoyable part of life, as I was learning to take it, but this just signifies trouble.

Sigh, sorry to be so awful and negative, I guess because I'm new to having an outlet for this I've just got a lot to get off my chest, it'll wear off soon!

Thanks again for your message, I wish you all the best with university, well done for having the courage to take the big bold step and apply even in spite of all worries involved in the decision, you mustn't let the illness stop you from following your path and having experiences and becoming what you want to be. It might never stop being there, but how much it's allowed to take over and impose restrictions on what you can and can't do is, I like to hope, possible to take charge over. What are you studying?

It would be nice to PM, feel free to talk to me about anything you need to xx

Congratulations everyone on your A-level results As Riku said, none of these grades are indications of your personal worth or how proud you need to be of the hard work you've put in, these are true no matter what, but it's fantastic if the grade happens to reflect your awesomeness and you get to go to the university you were hoping to - achievement met, in spite of whatever odds, and the future you had in mind to look forward to x

(Original post by MelissaJayne)
WE'LL BE FRIENDS ANYWAY DUDE! Exeter was awesome in the short while I was there and very supportive, they also said they'd keep my place open for two years. But I'm going to Essex Uni instead now..but I'm sure you'll love it x

YAY Yeah, they're quite good but sometimes I wonder about them considering there are people with obvious EDs and they turn a blind eye. That won't be happening any more; I'm setting up an eating disorder group and I'm running it. I just think people would perhaps take the first step if they knew that there was life beyond an ED. I knew that if I spoke to someone who had recovered, I would have done it a lot quicker. x

(Original post by MelissaJayne)
WE'LL BE FRIENDS ANYWAY DUDE! Exeter was awesome in the short while I was there and very supportive, they also said they'd keep my place open for two years. But I'm going to Essex Uni instead now..but I'm sure you'll love it x

Ohh, Essex Uni is one of my possible Post-grad choices. What's it like?

final anon, I am exceptionally proud. You're right. Altering your body 1-5lbs is nothing, we as ed sufferers just fixate on it though. Salt weight, food weight, water weight; the reality is, the body is a complex, inconsistent machine.

If I am ten pounds more, so be it. You will either live my being today at 119lb or tomorrow at 125lb. If you love me, it is for no number.

I'd like to add to Toto's post by saying it's for no body fat%, waist size or any other external evaluation you might take. Coming from weight-recovered but not yet mentality-recovered perspective, and still currently dealing with a borderline unhealthy obsession with body-building. Recovery doesn't necessarily mean transforming us into the epitome of health and fitness; it's reaching a level of health (and fitness at your choice) where you can feel happy, content and able, both in body and mind, to lead the life you choose.
We're loved for who we are inside, not what form we take outside.

Sorry, I'm confusing matters, I had written three posts, but one of them, which was in reply to you, didn't appear, it was declined by the moderator and I don't know why, there was nothing inappropriate about it. Ho hum.

It was just to say I'm sorry you were bullied, it must have made that place hard to live in. Unbelievable people behave like that at university, you would think by their age everyone had more maturity. It's weak minds that try to make themselves feel bigger by treading others down and you showed you had a strong one to keep your head up and deal with them all year.

I'm glad to hear you've found a boyfriend who is very patient and understanding with you. Mine is too, I'm very lucky to have found someone like him, but for all his waiting he does want and deserve some intimacy and I need to sort it out so he can have what he needs from the relationship. I'll try and explain my current feelings to him before he gets the wrong idea, I'm about to move two hours away from him to go to university and would hate to leave it on a bad note. Feels so daft that two basic physical needs that most people seem to enjoy as second nature, food and sex, are so complicated and a huge obstacle! Such is life, eh xx

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