To Feel Or Not To Feel

Ever notice how people feel the need to conceal their true feelings to others for the fear of being smitten? Let me explain. Strangely, people associate desire with sin. It is not always sin, you know. We are allowed to yearn, dream, and wish. It is part of being human and having the ability to have requests.We are entitled to feelings and emotions. Like I said, we are human. We can’t even prevent it most of the time.

I have met pregnant women who, upon being asked about whether they want a boy or a girl, answered faster than you can finish the question with a “I don’t care. As long as the baby is healthy.” Who ever said it is one or the other. You can have a preference. Obviously, if it was an option of a healthy child and the sex you don’t care very much for, and an unhealthy child with the sex you do care for, most definitely you would choose the healthy. Just because there are couples out there that are not so lucky to be blessed with children, does not leave you at fault for longing for a son or a daughter. You have nothing to do with them. You are you and they are them. Women suddenly become saints and have no wishes. They feel like they must respond as such or they would be viewed as a cruel and heartless creature.

I have asked women how their birth experience was. Liars. I must tell you they are liars. Not all, but most. They start babbling endlessly how amazing and wonderful. That the pain was exhilarating and when they saw their baby it was all suddenly worth it. The experience was beyond words. They were in a total place of zen and just sang softly to themselves. It was truly an extraordinary event. But was it painful? No. Nothing I could not handle. It was just amazing.

Okay. When I ask how it was, I know the idea of birth is something incomprehensible and truly fascinating. No one can deny that. The fact that a child can fit out of places that shall not be named, unbelievable. The fact that from a little teeny tiny egg formed a being, astonishing. But how if you feel during it- IN A PAIN THAT NO WORDS CAN DESCRIBE. Where do these people give birth is what I wonder. Where I gave birth by my 3 sons- I heard cursing and screaming and crying. Women begging to die and be treated with any drugs that can knock them out. Is there something wrong with feeling the pain. It is excruciating and you can feel that. Why does the answer -” It was the most painful experience of my life”- have to mean that you don’t understand the blessing and marvelous occurrence.

I love my children and would never relinquish the part of being a mom. However,that does not remove the facts and the feelings. I would love to have a job to allow the absence to make my heart go fonder. I long to shower every day until I am cleaned. I want to go to the bathroom by myself. I dream of a full night of sleep. I crave moments of quiet time.

I experienced extreme nausea when I was pregnant. I felt so disgusting and I didn’t want to leave my bed. I hurt like hell when I gave birth to my children and even more when it was over. I was happy and sad at the same time and wanted to laugh and cry simultaneously. I wanted to be put out when I nursed. I screamed and clenched my hands till my nails would break my palms. I get angry many times but I make mistakes many more. That is what makes me a mom. It is the whole deal. And I do it the best that I can each and every day. And I love these years and the times that they sing and play nicely and even when they annoy me, I know I am lucky to have them. But that doesn’t mean I don’t hide under my covers from the noise. Or lock myself in my room so that I can scream.

People seem to believe if they start showing emotions it means they are ungrateful. If they start to feel or desire, they will be eternally damned. Why do women assume that they must say that their children are angels? That they never fight, they sleep through the night, and that they are always well mannered. They think they must be supermoms and don’t need any time for themselves. They believe that they must give up themselves completely for their children, all the while convincing themselves that they don’t need anything in return.

We are human. We need to be necessary, wanted, and appreciated. We can want time to pamper ourselves. We can ask for time to shower. We can yearn for breaks to sit with our feet up and not worry about anything or anyone. We are allowed to wish to just lean back and breathe. And there is nothing wrong with all that.

There was a facebook status that was going around and it was to all unselfish moms. To survive you must learn how to balance selfish and unselfish. You need to take care of yourself or you will, in fact, collapse. You are a fool to think you are being good and honest to say that it isn’t difficult. To say that you don’t need time for yourself. To say that you never hurt. To say that you never want more. You are allowed to say that you would prefer a boy after 5 girls… or that you are terribly exhausted… or you are not always the perfect mom… or you are just doing the best that you can… or that you mess up all the time… or that you apologize and you try again. To say that you are human, is highly respectable.

This was the post and my response: I wish people would be comfortable with sharing the fact that they are in fact human beings. I think the world would be a better place if people would understand what we are all about.

To all the UNSELFISH MOMS out there who traded sleep for dark circles, salon haircuts for ponytails, long baths for quick showers, late nights for early mornings, designer bags for diaper bags & WOULDN’T CHANGE A THING. Lets see how many Moms can actually post this. Moms who DON’ T CARE about what they gave up and instead, LOVE what they got in return! Post this if you LOVE your LIFE as a mom!

love is a strong word. I want a shower. I want to pee without a kid on my lap and another peeking through the door. and I want a long shower- not a bath. I want to sleep till I am not tired anymore. And I do not want a HUGE MASSIVE diaper bag. I love my kids- but I do care what I gave up and I want it back. I want it all. So sue me for being honest.

umm…. ok so for some reason when a person asks a question- the recipient all of a sudden gets a brain freeze. They answer with whatever comes first to their brain. Catch them in a bad mood- Im sure you’ll get a different response. You know when someone asks you how old you are, your answer is sometimes ridiculous, “oh me? oh im 14″. WHAT THE HECK?? 14??? IM 25”. Brain freeze i call it. Same goes for when they say “oh everything is wonderful, my kids are angels, my birth was amazing- and totally painless…” Their just taking all the bad memories and blurting out with what they think their supposed to answer. (my birth on the other hand was totally painless- and uplifting). But than there are those pple that look at life in a beautiful way. EVERYTHING in BEAUTIFUL. So you cant blame them.. they really dont think otherwise. How? I have no flippin idea. But on a different note.. i dont ever wanna b single again and i love my son, and nothings perfect at all- and he still cries his brains out to sleep, and still falls off beds, and still feels the need to join me in the bathroom- but i wouldn’t trade it for anything. When you look at the alternative, you feel happy. and you love being where you are. (at least me… you have 3 kids. cant compare) And besides.. i take pretty good care of myself and dont let myself get run down.. and my bathrooms aren’t clean. But whos checking.

i like meechB’s responses on this blog. my response is the following:
unselfish doesnt mean letting yourself get run down.or being unshowered.or being in the bathroom with kids on the floor. unselfish means giving birth,bathing a baby, diapering a baby, and making supper even if its pasta for a week straight.that is all unselfish giving.
not allowing yourself time to shower is called being stupid. sorry for the harshness of it but if you dont take care of yourself, noone will and everyone will suffer. im a firm believer that every mother needs lots of mommy time to herself, to do nothing but relax,read or whatver and be normal.
and ps-my birth hurt, but it was BEAUTIFUL.and i love giving birth. sue me.

A Journey Through Momhood

Originally, I had planned on using this blog to swim through my ocean of talents and find the worthy one to use. I needed a job and still do. However, I have now chosen to be realistic and do what my passion is. I love to write about anything and pretty much to anyone. I am a mom and so I only have a limited time to pursue the writing craving. There is no prevalent theme and there is only occasional humor. It is a little bit of everything that makes up my life. Join me in my journey and feel free to comment.