Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Recently, the Supreme Court of Oregon ruled that live sex acts are protected under the Oregon Constitution. Article 1 Section 8, which states, "No law shall be passed restraining the free expression of opinion, or restricting the right to speak, write, or print freely." The ACLU filed a brief in favor of banning this law.

The stage is set for the next big civil rights case set to appear before the Supreme Court of Oregon, involving the notorious "Upskirt Bandit." Harry Ballz, also known as the "Upskirt Bandit," alleges that his first amendment right of artistic expression is being suppressed by having been criminally prosecuted for illegally filming unsuspecting women, without their consent, from beneath their skirts and dresses. Mr. Ballz says:

Dude, you can't see their faces. I don't see the problem, man. I'm an artist. I need to put it out there on the internet to express myself and stuff. You know. How can I put stuff on the internet when I'm in prison? This blows.

Jose Estalino, a representative of the ACLU said,

Mr. Ballz ability to express his artistic vision is being crushed by an unfair system that seeks to deny the individual liberties afforded to each and every on of us, as American citizens. We seek nothing less than to ensure that Mr. Ballz, and any others who wish to express themselves be able to do so.

In a related story, the streets of Portland have exploded into an orgasmic orgy of carnal excess that leaves Mardi Gras looking like the Disney version of hedonistic delights. Citizens everywhere are engaging in what reasoned individuals would usually consider depraved sex acts, or at least would think so when these activities are occurring on street corners and convenience stores, at the bus stop, and on the sidewalk.

A citizen asked our reporter on the scene, "Can't these people keep this stuff inside of doors, where it belongs?" We relayed the question to a police officer, who wished to remain anonymous. The officer told our reporter, "We'd like to be able to do something, but our hands are tied." A passerby must have heard the comment, and replied, "Does that turn you on baby?" The officer then told our reporter, "man, people around here are really stuck on stupid, with a capital S,T,and D.

State Health officials are concerned about the possible spread of STD's and diseases like Hepatitis, and have responded to the issue by handing out free condoms, and pamphlets explaining how STD's are transmitted.