Due Date

October 03, 2012

I love stripes. Somehow, my addiction to striped clothes make me feel so much better. ﻿Especially today. I don't feel very good today.

The sadness started rushing in when I received a magazine called American Baby in the mail. Right below the title reads: “Healthy pregnancy, happy baby.” I got a free subscription to this magazine when I found out I was pregnant the first time. I hate that I am still receiving these dumb magazines via mail, and I wish they would stop coming to our little mailbox. Yes, I was PREGNANT...past tense. Today, October 3, 2012, is the day I was due. A million things went through my head when I heard the news the first time. I was 10 weeks along and I already had my baby names picked out. I was looking for cribs on Craigslist. I was pinning way too many Pinterest baby pictures. Maybe that was too early for me to get excited? Next time I will wait for the excitement to kick in.

I recently went through my 2nd miscarriage. I know many people are thinking, “Lots of women go through miscarriages-it’s totally common.” I know all this. That statement doesn’t take away the sadness. I guess hearing those things doesn’t make it any easier for me.

At first, I kept this trial to myself because I felt like it wasn’t acceptable to discuss or that I did something wrong.

I exercised too much...

I didn’t eat the right foods…

I slept on my stomach…

I took too hot of baths…

I used the wrong face wash…

I went to Target and looked at baby clothes even though I didn’t know the sex of the baby. I looked, but never bought anything. There was NEVER a doubt in my mind that the pregnancy wouldn’t work out. I just figured- I’m so healthy that nothing can go wrong. Boy, was that humbling. Then we got pregnant a second time. The excitement filled my heart-it’s going to work this time. We knew nothing could go wrong. But then it happened again at 8 weeks. “Oh, you were so early on in the pregnancy-it’ll be ok.” Hearing those words didn’t make it any better. Thank you for trying to comfort me, though.

I don’t want to take way from those wonderful, strong women who lose their babies at 7 months, 9 months, or even the death of a child or husband or [insert any other hard thing you can imagine going through here}. Or even those wonderful, strong women who can't get pregnant at all and have been trying for years. I love you, look up to you, and pray for you. We all have trials and we all handle it in different ways.We can’t compare our difficulties and our sadness. They are all challenging, even though some seem harder than others. Heavenly Father won’t give us more than we can handle. It's hard to remember that His plan and timing for us is better than our own.

My second miscarriage was even harder than the first. Hunter definitely saw me at my lowest. I would have to go to work and help people at the psych hospital with their losses. I wanted to scream. Then I went to church and everyone was getting pregnant, everyone having babies around me. This all may be a little dramatic but it’s sometimes how I feel. I can't believe I am writing these things on my blog-well, it's good I only have like 5 people who actually follow my blog-3 who actually read it. I guess tonight the blog is going to be my outlet to get out my feelings.

The doctor can’t find anything wrong with me so I guess that’s a good sign?

People would tell me, “Well at least you get pregnant quickly-some people can’t get pregnant at all.” I know people try to be nice by saying these things, but honestly, it doesn’t help. It doesn’t take away the fact that I have been pregnant twice and lost both babies. Deep down I think it would have been nice to have not been pregnant at all yet. I wouldn’t have seen the positive pregnancy test, or held Hunter’s hand during the ultrasound, or gotten our hopes up so quickly. Either way, i guess it’s difficult. It doesn’t make the experience any easier to know that I get pregnant quickly and easily.

My doctor mentioned the word infertility to me and I was thrown back. I always thought infertility was associated with the INABILITY to get pregnant. He told me that women who experience recurrent miscarriages are also considered to be dealing with infertility. Scary word. I know there are a million people out there who have worse problems than me, but sometimes you just need to sit in your own sadness. Your particular trials are hard for YOU. It’s a good way to share your emotions without feeling so alone. And maybe there is someone out there going through something similar as me? Let me know if there is-I would love to hear from you.

Anyways, I am stepping off my soapbox.

So, let's all put our striped shirts on and be ok with the trials we have going on. Easier said than done, eh?

Hey Lacy! It's Kristen (Varley) Paulson. I haven't seen you since we ran into each other at Anthro in Az and you told me about your blog. You are adorable and I wish we lived closer so we could hang out!

I wanted to let you know I had a miscarriage too. It was probably the worse thing that I've been through. I remember all the feelings you are describing and felt the same way. I was devastated and border line depressed. My husband didn't even recognize me for a good while.

No one can say anything that will take the pain away. You lost a child and I don't really think it matters at what point in your pregnancy it was. It hurts. And it sucks. The only thing that helped me get through it was when someone told me that it was ok to grieve. Don't feel embarrassed. Take as much time as you need. To be honest, the hurt will never go away completely. You will always have a place for those 2 babies in your heart.

Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and I know you are going to be the cutest mom around. Once I had my little boy, both my husband and I felt that the miscarriage was part of our plan. That doesn't mean I think it should have happened or would ever want to go through it again, but it strengthened our marriage and prepared us even more for when we started our family.

Heavenly Father knows you and loves you and wants the world for you. He had a plan for you and your cute husband. Keep living right. You are amazing.

Wow. You are amazing. Exactly what I needed to hear. It's nice to know there are other people out there who know what it feels like. I am sorry you had to go through that. I miss you so much and I miss our fun times together. You were always such a great friend and I wish we lived closer so we could play:) Your son is so cute and I'm so happy I saw you that one day! Thank you for this wonderful comment-it really means a lot. Do you have a blog I can follow?

Thank you! I usually don't get real personal on the blog but for some reason I needed to. I love you so much and miss you all the time. You changed my mission from the beginning..i hope you know that:)

Thanks for posting this. As someone who struggles with infertility it is so hard to put it into words for others to understand. I think you did it beautifully. I hope that it is not dramatic to think that everyone around you is pregnant...because I think that all. the. time. Love you and I will keep you and Hunter in my prayers.

Hi! It's sara, your Insta BFF and Andrea's friend :) The due dates are THE WORST! I still remember both of mine and still remember which of my friends' babies are those ages. We tried for over 9 months before our first pregnancy (and miscarriage) and I didn't tell anyone anything, not even that we were trying. The second miscarriage happened shortly thereafter and it was so much better to be open and talk to people about it. And I used to stalk people's blogs and loved when someone would write about it, so I bet you are helping readers you don't even know you are helping. They never found anything wrong with me either - I was totally healthy,had good family history, and pretty regular. So hang in there - it requires someone INCREDIBLY strong to remain smiling and joyful for others - and I know you are doing that. You will have such an appreciation for motherhood when it happens for you. I can't speak highly enough of acupuncture for fertility. My acupuncturist told me i wanted to "prepare for a successful ovulation" which still makes me laugh, but makes sense...the better ovulation you have, the better the egg, the better the chance. (I like to play doctor in my free time. Fertility according to sara.) I also took progesterone during both of my successful first trimesters. My levels always tested fine but my doctor thought it couldn't hurt. The second time we just copied what worked. Someone told me all my babies will be waiting for me in heaven. I just know they were both girls (and I'm getting my boys here on earth :)) and I sure hope God has some help in store for me because holy crap that's a lot of kids. :) xoxo Hang in there!!

Oh my goodness..you are the cutest. Thank you so much for your beautiful words. It's good to hear that someone was in the same boat as me and knows exactly what I am going through. I'm sure everyone can relate in some way though with the different trials they are having! I love your cute little family and love following your life. Do you have a blog I can follow? Thanks again so much for the kind words..much needed.

I love you Lacy! I can't tell you everything is fine and alright, because that is not true. Truth is, what you've gone through really, truly sucks, and sometimes all you can do is put on that striped shirt and eat gelato and cry because it is really hard. I had a friend recently say something that really stuck with me because I feel it is true. she said, "i'm not going to go into the emotional, spiritual, physical roller coasters of infertility because those who know it need no explanation and those who don't will never really understand. i didn't. and just like almost everything, you gain a completely different perspective and sympathy once you've actually gone through something yourself." I don't understand what you've gone through and I'm so sorry you've had to go through it. Someday, maybe, we will be the pregnant ladies in the ward. I'll throw you your baby shower :)

Wow. That was inspirational. You have a really smart friend. You should send your friend to my blog so we can be friends:) Thank you for sharing that. You are always so supportive and I can't wait until we are prego together and going to lots of baby showers together. I love how you are the president of baby showers in our ward. It's because everyone feels so close to you and loves you sooo much:) Tell Colby he got a good one!

I am a friend of Hunter's from a LONG time ago....he can explain. :) I don't know you, but I do understand infertility. I am a HUGE believer that too many suffering with this "disease" keep silent. Like infertility is tabboo. And it's not. Many couples (too many) suffer, but each suffer in their own way. There is no way to explain any of it aloud, anyone who has been through it knows how awful it is. Those that haven't....well, some try really hard (which is nice)to understand, and others are just ___________ (insert your own not so nice word).

After my "year" of trying and then being labeled infertile, I made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist asap. Why screw around with doctors that aren't up-to-date on what YOU need. I fired my OB after he wanted me to go on clomid off and on for a year before ANY other testing was done. Blah blah blah there is a lot more to that story, but the important part is: don't let doctors push you around. Start doing some reading so you will be in a position to know what you want, what you are willing to do, and what you do NOT want, etc. That's the best advice I have: Go to a specialist & know what you (and Hunter) want.

I absolutely LOVE my doctor, and I would recommend her to you. I think I've recommended about 30+ people to her. True story.

The only RE in the west valley isn't someone I would see, personally. I have heard very (very) mixed reviews, so I, personally, won't take a chance. I blogged A LOT about our struggle....and every single day of our IVF cycle. I am very vocal about our struggle, so if you ever want to talk, or if I can answer any questions (I feel like I am practically an OB/gyn/RE myself now) I would be more than happy to sit down and talk with you. :)

Okay- a little more advice....sorry....don't hate me.

The best thing we did for our marriage: We agreed that no matter what, we would NEVER fight about infertility. There is plenty in this world to fight about. Infertility is not one of them. There is nothing in this world more awful than infertility. It will cause A LOT of emotions, a lot of hurt, a lot of joy, a lot of sorrow....a lot of every emotion. It's easy to point the finger. It's easy to fight about...your emotions will be on a roller coaster. So we promised each other that instead of letting infertility tear us apart, we would some how force it to bring us closer.

We suffer from male factor infertility. If it can be wrong with his swimmers, it is. My husband would blame himself and hang his head in shame often during our failed attempts each month. I had to remind him that it was NOT his fault. We were in the fight together. We started together...and we were going to finish it together. And no matter the outcome, we would figure out our next step....as DINK's (double income no kids) or as parents. And as strange as it sounds, infertility actually did bring us closer. By the time we were blessed with a baby, a lot of our own struggles had been worked out. I'm not sure I can qualify infertility as a "blessing" just yet, but I am thankful for what I learned, how we grew, but most of all...I am thankful for the beautiful son my Heavenly Father saw fit to send to me.

It IS hard. It DOES hurt. But...I promise it's worth it. Keep your head up, read as much as you can, and love your hubby. If I can ever help...in ANY way...I will.

Randi! Thanks so much! I did ask Hunter how he knew you:) I"m so sorry to hear that you went through that difficult experience. You sound so strong because of it and so knowledgeable. I'm so grateful I have such wonderful people in my life who can give me such great advice and comforting words. You are the best!

Lacy (and Hunter)-- All I can say is I'm sooo sorry. I have no idea what you are going through, nor am I going to try and say I do. BUT I do want you to know how adorable you are and what amazing parents you and Hunter will be. Please let us know if there's anything we can do! Hugs and Loves!

Looks like you do get a lot of readers ; ). I miss you and love you and I'm sorry for the pain you've had to go through, but am glad that you've chosen to grow from it. You are wonderful and strong, and I hope soon you will get your sweet baby. But I just love you lots and wish you guys the best. You are both so cute and I miss seeing you, it's been way to long!! You are in my thoughts and prayers! XOXO!! ~holly

Thank you so much Holly. I miss you sooo much and can't wait to see you again someday soon:) Your family is so beautiful and I'm sure you have so much to teach me about being a mother. Thanks so much for the prayers! Love you!

Lacy, I was just creeping your blog thinking what a great lady hunter married! I'm so glad you blogged about your feelings and struggles. Your words are so real to those of us who have similar struggles. Don't be silent, you never know who needs to hear your story. Loves, Liz (Miller) Swick

Hey Liz:) I creep your blog too. I love all your craftiness..cutest blog ever! I usually don't get that personal on my blog, but for some reason I felt like i needed to. Thanks so much for your support! Hope you are lovin' my hometown St. Louis! I think that is where you are living now:)

Hello, You don't know me, but My name is kate Lee. I am so glad to have read your story. I hope you never feel like you can't share your feelings about your trials. Not being able to have a child is a hard thing no matter how far along you are. I have a kindof similar story. I guess mine is a little different. It took some time,but I was able to get pregnant,and was in and out of the Hospital alot. Both of my boys are here and healthy. After I had my 2nd I had so many problems I had to have a hysterectomy at age 26. When you shared that seeing everyone else around you getting pregnant, and having babies.. I feel like that sometimes too. I feel like I am learning so much about myself, and about the Atonement. I am so glad we have a Father who cares about how we are feeling, and is there to help us through it. I hope everything good for you.

Thank you so much for the wonderful words. It's so comforting knowing that other people feel the same way I do. Sometimes I feel so alone. It's nice to share in our trials with others..be able to lean on others for support and vice versa. I'm sure your two little boys are so lucky to have you as a mom. Thank you so much for commenting-it means a lot.

I have not read blogs in forever, so sorry for not commenting sooner....trying to catch up now. I love you so much. I literally cry thinking about the trials you've been going through, but if anyone can own it, I know it's you. Rock Solid you are. I wish I were closer to you so we could preform fertility rain dances and eat oreos to fatten your uterus up. ;) You know I'm praying for baby bubba to come soon. I really do pray...and my prayersare ALWAYS answered, so keep having sex. ;) XOXOXO

I love you. It was so awesome to hear your voice on Saturday. Thanks for calling..it was much needed. I would do anything for you to live closer...sometimes I just need your shoulder to cry on. Glad we can do it over the phone:) The fertility rain dance and oreos are a really great idea. We will have to do that in December when I'm in Idaho! Love you more. xoxo. Bubba Bennett is a good name.

love you so much lacy, im so sorry for both of your losses. Its so good of you to share these personal thoughts and feelings because even though i might not have the same trials as you it helps me to see that sharing often is one of the best ways to recieve the support you need. i tend to hide a ton of my trials and honestly reading this makes me want to be more open about them. kocham cie and i hope you and hunter get to be the awesome parents you are both destined to be... love marie (siostra cox)

Oh my gosh. I can't IMAGINE How heartbreaking that would feel to see that!!! I'm SO SORRY!! My heart is breaking for you now just thinking about you and losing those babies. I bet there is not anything harder in the world. I love you, and good for you for letting it out on your blog! You are an amazing woman! I don't know what to say but I love your guts with all my heart and I wish I was there to hang out with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss you so bad!

Lacy- I wish I would have read this a year ago... I was going through the same thing as you. I found out I had had my second miscarriage of the year at the end of October. I know you now have an adorable little boy to help ease the pain of those losses, but I know that we both have 2 little ones waiting for us to raise them. All I could think about when I lost my second was, sometimes life Sucks! But I also know that Heavenly Father won't give us more than we can bare, and that is what kept me going. For me, I decided to give it one more try and if I would have lost my current pregnancy, I was done. I know that Heavenly Father is aware of us and our struggles. How grateful I am to have a testimony of that and to know that he Loves us. Good Luck with future pregnancies, I hope you never have to go through another miscarriage.