Purim Spiel 1997
Stephen R. Balzac
Copyright (c) 1997 Stephen R. Balzac.
Permission granted to redistribute and/or use so long
as this copyright remains attached.
1 Chapter 1 -- Vashti
Narrator
Rabbi Larri
Rabbi Josef
Rabbi Moe
Narrator: Good evening and welcome to the Book of Ester.
There are many tales of how the Book of Ester got its name.
According to one story, it was written several thousand years ago
by an infinite number of gorillas. According to this theory, the
Book of Ester was named for the leader of these gorillas,
Megillah Gorilla.
Another theory observes that the Book of Ester opens with a
description of party that lasted for 180 days. As anyone who ever
organized a party knows, this is quite a megillah.
In any case, our story begins with Ahasuerus, the King of Persia
and environs, and 126 other provinces, throwing a party that lasted
for six months. The rabbis are still debating why the party lasted
that long; the most common theory is that the Persians had had their
fill of Mede, and were trying to avoid a hangover.
After the big party was over, the king threw a second, smaller party
for everyone who was still standing. This party only included
everyone in Shushan, the Capital. At the end of a week of serious
drinking, the king ordered Vashti, his queen, to come and display
her beauty before the royal court. Realizing that she hadn't a thing
to wear, Vashti refused.
When Ahaseurus finally sobered up enough to realize that he'd spent
the night alone, he was furious. For whatever reason, it never
occurred to him to ask wherefore this night should have been
different from all other nights. Thus, he called together his
wise men, the seven princes of Persia and Media to seek their advice.
The princes of Media were particularly upset since they had lost
heavily in the ratings when Vashti didn't show.
Poor Vashti was sent into exile with a giant honeycomb upon her head,
for, so claimed the wise men, the law decreed that she who disobeyed
the king must be exiled and bee headed.
And that was the end of Vashti's story until, so the Talmud teaches
us, the Rabbis chose to reexamine her case and found her guilt far
greater than it had first appeared. Let us now return to the days
of that fateful conversation between those three great Talmudic
Scholars, Rabbi Larri of Mysogen, known as the Mysogenist; Rabbi
Josef of Chauvan, known as the Chauvanist; and Rabbi Moe of Saxony,
known as the Saxist.
Rabbi Larri: Wherefore can one show that the sin of Vashti was,
in fact, composed of two sins? For it is written that the refusal
of Vashti was an affront in the eye of the King, but before the
royal court it was said that her sin was most grievous in the
King's eyes. If we may assume that the King had, at most,
two eyes, then was her sin composed of two sins.
Rabbi Josef: How can one show that each sin of Vashti was as
32 sins? For it is written that the refusal of Vashti pained
the King as the loss of a tooth, but before the royal court it
is said that her defiance was like unto a kick in the teeth.
Thus it was that her sins may be seen to be 32-fold.
Rabbi Moe: How may one show that the sins of Vashti are innumerable
in number? For it is written that the refusal of Vashti was like
unto tweaking the hair of the King's beard. But before the royal
court, it is said that her defiance was like unto the pulling of
his beard. From the use of the word "hair" we can conclude that
but a single hair was meant, whereas the word "beard" alone
implies all the hairs of his chin. As no man can count the number
of hairs upon his chin, it can be seen that Vashti's sins are
beyond counting.
Rabbi Larri: Unless the King had shaved recently.
Rabbi Josef: Or was too young to have a beard.
Rabbi Larri: Or had had an unfortunate accident involving a lawn
mower.
Rabbi Josef: That would explain why he was always hanging
gardeners.
Rabbis exit, arguing.
Narrator: The three rabbis went on to form a famous Jewish rock
group. Surely you've all heard of "A Band of Evil Angels?"
Narrator: What will King Ahaseurus do when he realizes that he's
just lost his wife? Will he seek out a new queen? Find out in
our next episode, "The Royal Beauty Pageant" or "Fine Silks and
Polyesters."
2 Chapter Two -- The Beauty Pageant
Narrator
King
Servant
Mordecai
Esther
Airheaded Girl
Mother-in-Law
2 Guards (Bigthan and Teresh)
Narrator: After a few months, the king finally ran out of wine.
This was a sobering experience.
King: Bring me another bottle of Ravenswood Zinfandel.
Servant: Sire, all that remains is this bottle of Chateaux de
Mille Dieux, scarcely enough for one day. And it will take us
at least eight days to bring in more wine.
Narrator: And so a great miracle occurred. The king regained
possession of what, for lack of a better term, we will refer to
as his wits and realized that he actually kind of missed Vashti.
King: I miss Vashti. Oh, whatever shall I do?
Servant: Sire, we will arrange a great beauty pageant, and all
the virgins in the kingdom will come and parade themselves before
you.
King: I don't want to just look at them!
Servant: You marry whichever one you find the most beautiful.
King: But won't their parents have something to say about that?
Servant: You are the king, Sire. You can do that sort of thing
when you're the king.
Mordecai and Esther to one side
Narrator: And so a great beauty pageant was held. Girls from
all over the kingdom were brought in, including Esther, a young
Jewish girl raised by her uncle, Mordecai, son of Jair, son of
Shimei, son of Knish. Fortunately, no one remembers the father
of Knish, or this could go on all night.
Mordecai: And remember, tell no one that you are Jewish.
Esther: But Uncle, won't the king figure it out when I refuse
to eat pork, keep separate dishes, and light candles on Friday
night?
Mordecai: They don't say "King Dumb" for nothing, kid.
change to beauty pageant
Narrator: And so Esther went to the royal castle to await
her turn before the king. Meanwhile, the beauty pageant wasn't
exactly going according to plan.
Servant: And what is your greatest desire?
Girl (in a high, overly cheerful voice): I want to be a
veterinarian and work for world peace.
Mother-in-Law: She wants to be queen, you chowderhead.
Why do you suppose we're here? And another thing, I expect my
daughter to well treated. I hear the king gets drunk as a lord,
and that's no way to treat a nice girl.
Furthermore...
Guards remove mother and daughter. Mother continues diatribe
while being removed.
King: That's the 432nd prospective mother-in-law so far. I don't
think I can take much more of this. One more, and you're dead.
Servant: Have no fear, Sire. The next girl is an orphan.
Narrator: And so it was that Esther found favor in the king's
eyes, and he married her and made her his queen. Meanwhile...
Enter Mordecai
Mordecai: Oh my, two plotters against the king. I must hide
myself lest they find me. I know, I shall disguise myself as
a tree.
Mordecai stands, arms akimbo. Enter Bigthan and Teresh, ignoring
Mordecai.
Bigthan: The King is a fink.
Teresh: We shall poison his drink.
Bigthan: With India Ink.
Teresh: It'll turn him pink.
Bigthan and Teresh exit.
Mordecai: This plot surely does stink; I'm off in a wink,
to tell the queen what I think.
Narrator: And so it was that Bigthan and Teresh were apprehended,
tried, and sentenced to death by a jury of poetry lovers.
Mordecai's name was recorded in the King's big book of "People To
Whom I Owe a Favor, But Because I'm King I Can Forget All About It."
Stay tuned for our next episode, "The Evil Wazir Was Here," or
"Haman Eggs."
3 Chapter 3 -- Haman
Interviewer
Father Junipero Berry (a pompous and portentous man)
Narrator: And now we bring you tonight's edition of "Genocide
Roundtable" with our special guest, Father Junipero Berry, well
known candidate for sainthood. Father Berry's accomplishments
include the forced conversion and slaughter of thousands of
innocent people, clearly demonstrating his virtue and goodness.
Interviewer: Now, Father, I understand that Prime Minister Haman
of Persia is being considered for sainthood. Could you tell us
how this process works?
Father Berry: It's very simple. First you have to get yourself
into a position of power over a large number of people. Then you
have to pick a minority group to terrorize. After that it depends.
Sometimes, simple oppression is sufficient. Other times, torture,
exile, or genocide is called for.
Interviewer: And in Haman's case?
Father Berry: Well, he's going to have to go the full genocide
route.
Interviewer: And why is that?
Father Berry: Well, for his obligatory minority group, Haman
picked the Jews. That requires a bit more effort.
Interviewer: I'm not sure I understand.
Father Berry: Well, picking on the Jews is considered a low
difficulty event, something of a no-brainer. Everyone does it.
There just aren't that many points to be had there. Really,
we were quite shocked when Haman selected them. It seemed like
a real cop-out, hardly a brilliant or decisive move at all.
But, you know what they say, the devil is in the details.
Interviewer: Could you explain further, Father?
Father Berry: Setup and timing, my son. Not only did he decide
to kill the Jews because of one man's refusing to bow down to him,
he tricked the king into going along with it, and then drew straws
to figure out when the deed would be done. Very bold, very bold
indeed. Of course, all things considered, he didn't get many
points for tricking the king, but the rest was quite creative.
Interviewer: I see. Thank you, Father Berry, for taking time
from your busy schedule to speak with us.
Father Berry: You're welcome, my son. But now, I must be off
to check on the stock market.
Interviewer: I didn't know you were into stocks.
Father Berry: I'm not. But it's a convenient place to keep
prisoners.
Narrator: Tune in for our next episode, "Mordecai Gets The News,"
or "How to Make a Slow Jew Fast."
4 Chapter 4 -- Mordecai Gets The News
Haman
Narrator: In this chapter, Mordecai finds out Haman's evil plans.
The action is entirely concerned with people tearing their clothing,
pouring ashes over their heads, and in general weeping, moaning,
and carrying on. Eventually, all the noise gets Esther's attention,
and she tells them all to fast for three days, probably figuring
that if the Jews don't eat anything for three days, they'll at
least be too tired to make any noise. If nothing else, that would
give her a little bit of peace and quiet to think of a plan.
So, while Queen Esther is thinking, we will present a brief
explanation for why we eat hamantashen.
Now, it is written that Rabbi Eleazar of Hyrkanos, who had a mind
like a stone cistern, a nose like the pump handle on said cistern,
and whose ears resembled an undisclosed item of plumbing, was
arguing with the High Priest in the days of the Holy Temple.
"If I am right," said Rabbi Eleazar, "may the congregation,
on Kol Nidre, all donate to the temple without being asked."
And because Rabbi Eleazar was correct, the congregation all
donated money. But out of respect to the High Priest, they did not
donate much. Said the High Priest, "The answer is not in the
wallets of the congregation, neither in their checkbooks or
visa cards."
Then quoth Rabbi Eleazar, "If I am right, may a complete nebbish
with a name like unto a website be elected Prime Minister in
Israel." And because Rabbi Eleazar was correct, Netanyahu,
son of Yahoo, son of Netscape, was elected as Prime Minister of
Israel. But out of respect for the High Priest, his government
was rocked by scandal within a year. Said the High Priest, "The
answer is not in Netanyahu, neither may it be found on the
World Wide Web, and especially not in Windows '95."
Then quoth Rabbi Eleazar, "If I am right, may there come into
existence a kosher wine known throughout the entire world."
And because Rabbi Eleazar was correct, it came to pass as he
had said. But out of respect for the High Priest, the wine was
Manichewitz Concord Grape. Said the High Priest, "The answer
is not in the Manichewitz Concord Grape." And to this, even Rabbi
Eleazar agreed.
Then did beads of sweat appear on the brow of Rabbi Eleazar,
for under stress the stone cistern which was his mind did begin
to leak around the edges. Quoth Rabbi Eleazar, "If I am right,
may Haman's ears fall off his head and turn into pastries filled
with fruit and poppyseed for the enjoyment of adults and children
alike." And because Rabbi Eleazar was correct, and Haman's ears
had respect for no one and nothing at all, it came to pass just
as Rabbi Eleazar had said.
Haman: I've heard of calliflower ear, but this is a bit much.
Narrator: And Haman did attempt hide what had happened to him
by putting his ears in his pockets, which, in ancient Persia were,
for some strange reason, known as Tashen. But each day, when he
awoke, his ears would have regrown, but each night, they would
turn into hamentashen and fall off. Since the story of Esther
spans about nine years, this is a lot of hamentashen. After
Haman's death, the hamentashen were found by the Jews, and eaten
during their celebrations. Thus we also have an explanation for
the Biblical verse: "oov-b'nay Isroel och-lu et-Haman:" "And the
children of Israel ate Haman."
Stay tuned for our next episode, "Esther Throws a Party," or
"Life is a Cabernet."
5 Chapter 5 -- The First Party
King
Esther
Haman
Zeresh
Narrator: We now come to the party of the first part, wherein
Esther finally approaches the king and invites him and Haman to
a party.
King (waving his scepter around): Approach, Esther, and touch
my scepter.
Esther eventually grabs the scepter with one hand and touches
the end of it with the other hand.
Esther: Was there a point to that, your Majesty?
King: When you can snatch the scepter from out of my hand then
you will be rightwise the one who can pull the sword from out the
penguin. Uh, wait, I don't think that's quite right.
Esther: Have you been watching Kung Fu again, Sire?
King: Well, what else is there to do at night, just me and my...
Narrator: Yes, ever since the accident in the royal silk works
where the king lost his web connection, he had nothing left to do
at night but watch reruns of Kung Fu. That is, however, completely
unrelated to this story.
King: What wilt thou queen Esther? Even to half my kingdom,
so long as it be the half that doesn't include the royal wineries,
that I shall give unto thee.
Esther: Well, I was thinking of having a little party, just you
and me...
King (excited): Ah!
Esther: And Haman...
King (downcast): oh.
Esther: And plenty of wine.
King (very excited): Ah! It shall be done as you request.
Esther leaves.
King: Haman! Where is Haman?
Haman enters.
King: The queen has asked that we come to her party. At first
I was most unhappy that she had invited you as well, but then I
realized, what could I do with the queen that I could not do
with you?
Haman: I cannot conceive, Sire.
Narrator: Later that day, at the queen's party...
King (somewhat drunkenly): And then his wife pointed at the
fire place and said, "Alexander, the grate!"
Haman: Very funny, Sire.
King: Thank you Haman. I am trying to be witty more often.
My advisors say I'm succeeding about half the time.
Haman: Yes, sire. You make an excellent half-wit.
Narrator: Haman and the King were soon drunk as lords. Then,
tragedy struck. The king, quite drunk, choked on a blueberry
cheese blintz with sourcream, and died.
Haman (aghast): The king is dead?
Esther: Oh no!
King: I'm not dead yet.
Haman: You're not?
King: Actually, I'm feeling much better.
Esther: It is a miracle.
King: And Esther, this is a marvelous party. Whatsoever thou
wishes, even if your wishes be fishes filling half my kingdom,
that shall be yours.
Esther: Your highness, tonight we only got through the whites.
I have some wonderful red wines, a nice zinfandel, a few cabs,
that I know you'll love. And this wonderful Sauterne...
If you and Haman would only care to come again tomorrow night...
King: As you have requested, so shall it be.
Haman: But sire, you are alive tonight only through a miracle.
What if something happens tomorrow night?
King: When you're king, miracles happen every night.
Esther: Starts coughing.
Esther and King leave. Zeresh, Haman's wife, enters.
Narrator: That night, an exuberant, and somewhat tipsy, Haman
returned home to boast of his good fortune to his wife.
Haman: And queen Esther kept the king's mouth full of food and
wine, which fortunately kept him from talking. Tomorrow, she has
promised to do the same again. There was but one thing wrong.
Zeresh: What was that, dear?
Haman: When I left the king's palace, I saw a man sitting in the
king's gate. I looked at him, and saw that he was me.
So naturally, for I have ordered that all men must bow to me,
I bowed to him. And then I realized that it wasn't me, it was
Mordecai the Jew. I cannot rest so long as he is alive.
Narrator: That's right, Haman had become so drunk, he could not
distinguish between himself and Mordecai the Jew. Thus was born
a tradition. Meanwhile, Haman and Zeresh were trying to figure out
what to do.
Zeresh: A brilliant idea!
Haman: Yes?
Zeresh: That's what we need, a brilliant idea. Wait, I have it.
Build a gallows fifty cubits high and, in the morning, ask the
king that Mordecai be hanged thereon.
Haman: Why that's brilliant! Uh, how big is a cubit?
Zeresh: Who cares? Just don't cut any corners.
Narrator: And so the gallows was built. Tune in for our next
episode, "Mordecai Gets Rewarded," or "Gallow my Dreams."
6 Chapter 6 -- Mordecai Is Rewarded
King
Servant
Haman
Zeresh
Guard One
Guard Two
Narrator: Meanwhile, back at the palace, the king was having
trouble sleeping so he ordered his servants to read the book of
records out loud. This was strongest soporific the king knew,
short of being hit over the head with the book of records.
King: Hey! I didn't give you permission to stop reading.
Servant (as though waking up suddenly): Sorry sire, this book
keeps putting me to sleep.
King: Well, if I can't sleep, I don't see why anyone else should
get to either.
Narrator: Several hours, fourteen bottles of wine, and many
sleeping servants later, they finally read the passage about
Mordecai and the plot involving Bigthan, Teresh, and the Pink Ink.
King: And what has been done for this Mordecai?
Servant: The usual, Sire.
King: What, nothing? Why, he saved my life. He must be rewarded.
Who is in the outer court?
Servant: Haman, Sire.
Enter Haman
King: Isn't that Mordecai?
Servant: No Sire, that is Haman, your Grand Wazir.
King: Oh yes, so it is.
Haman: A good morning your highness. I would ask you a small
favour regarding Mordecai, the Jew.
King: Quiet. I have an important question for you: what should
be done for the man whom the king wishes to honour.
Narrator: Haman naturally assumed that the King was referring to
him, and proceeded to describe fancy clothing, worn by the king,
a horse, ridden by the king, and so forth. Fortunately, the
king's clothing was, well, king-sized, and thus fit everyone.
Haman: And all these things should be taken to this man by one
of your most noble princes, who will lead me, uh, this man
through the city proclaiming, "Thus is it done for one whom the
king delighteth to honor."
King: I think we can find someone without the lisp.
Haman: The lisp is optional, Sire.
King: Very well. Do as you have said to Mordecai the Jew.
Haman: Mordecai, Sire?
King: Yes, Mordecai. You know, the fellow who's always sitting
outside in the gate. You should have no trouble recognizing him,
he looks somewhat like you actually. And be quick about it,
we have a party to go to this afternoon. Oh, was there something
you wanted to ask me?
Haman: Nothing important Sire.
Exit King and Servant. Enter Zeresh.
Narrator: And so it was that Mordecai was led in honour through
the streets of Shushan, the Capital. After a day of leading the
king's horse, Haman returned home to tell Zeresh his tale of woe.
Haman: And just to top it all off, the King thought I looked
like Mordecai!
Zeresh: If the King confuses the two of you every time he drinks,
then your only hope is to keep him sober.
Haman: I'm doomed!
Enter two guards
Guard One: Lord Wazir, it is time for the queen's party.
Narrator: Tune in for our next episode, "In Vino Veritas," or
"Haman Hangs Out."
7 Chapter 7 -- Haman Gets His
King
Haman
Esther
Guard One
Guard Two
King: Now, Esther, what is it you request? Wonderful wine,
by the way.
Esther: Your highness, let me be given my life and the lives of
my people for we are all to be put to death.
King: What? Who would do this dastardly deed?
Esther: A man whose evil stalks across your kingdom like some
great big... (momentarily at a loss for words) stalking thing.
King: Who?
Esther: Him (points at Haman).
King: Mordecai the Jew? What's he doing here?
Esther: Not Mordecai, but Haman.
King: Ham and eggs?
Esther: Haman, your Grand Wazir.
King: Yes, I know Haman was here, but where is he now?
Esther: Your majesty, it is Haman who would slay me and my people.
King: What! How dare he. Why, I shall find that cad, that oaf,
that pastry-faced freak, and, and...
King stalks out.
Exit Haman and Esther
Enter King
King: To be or not to be, that is the question.
Narrator: That's right, in his anger, the king had confused Haman
with another ham. Unfortunately for Ahasuerus, he was asking the
wrong question. Eventually, however, he figured out that the
correct question was "Haman or Esther."
King: Hey, I may be thicker than a whale omelet, but I'm not
going to make the same mistake twice. Grand Wazirs don't come
with mothers-in-law you know.
Narrator: Furthermore, even Ahasuerus knew that if there's one
thing a balding king needs, its heirs.
King: Especially since that accident with the lawn mower.
Fortunately, I do have two hares.
Narrator: Yes, the king did have two hares. The royal rabbits,
Bunny and Clyde. Unfortunately, Clyde was hardly eligible to
take the throne, especially since he had recently converted to
Judaism and memorized the entire Talmud.
King: Hare today, Gaon tomorrow.
Narrator: As for Bunny, the King had people listening to her
every word.
King: And boy is she one bugged bunny.
Narrator: Fortunately, the king had now spent half his time
being witty or this could go on all night. Meanwhile, back in
Esther's apartments...
Exit King.
Enter Esther and Haman.
Haman: Please your majesty, spare my life. When the king returns,
he will surely slay me.
Esther: Quick, bend over. I'll disguise you as a table.
Haman bends over. Esther puts a cup on his back.
Enter king.
King: Where is Haman?
Esther (pointing at Haman): There, Sire.
King: Under that table?
Esther: No Sire. He sought to disguise himself as a table so as
to sneak into my bedchamber.
King (aside): Now why didn't I think of that... (normal voice):
Enough! Will his crimes never cease? Guards, guards!
Enter Guards
King: Arrest that man!
Guard One: What man Sire?
King (pointing at Haman): Him.
Guard Two: There's someone under that table?
King: Oh no, I see where this is going. I'm going to say Haman,
and then you'll say, Ham and eggs? We could be here all night.
Just arrest that table.
Guard One: Yes, Sire.
Enter Servant
Servant: Sire, the gallows Lord Haman ordered constructed and
upon which he planned to hang Mordecai the Jew, who spoke only
good of the king and, I might mention, gives really big tips to
servants, is ready.
Haman: You know, you have a big mouth.
Servant: Better a big mouth than a long neck.
King: Go forth and hang that table upon the gallows.
Exit King, Esther, Servant.
Guard One: Does this table remind you of anyone?
Guard Two: Looks kind of like Mordecai the Jew, actually.
Exit all.
Narrator: And so it was that Haman was hanged upon his own
gallows. There, he told jokes and funny stories for many hours,
becoming known as the father of gallows humor. The Talmud
teaches us that of all those who came and listened to Haman,
not a single person laughed, as it is written, "And Haman,
the enemy of the Jews, died upon the gallows."
Stay tuned for our next episode, "A Vacancy in the Palace," or
"Mordecai Wazir."
8 Chapter 8 -- New orders are written
Esther
Mordecai
King
Esther: Sire, if I have found favor in your eyes, then I beg
you to countermand the orders written by Haman.
King: Alas, queen Esther, those orders are written in the name
of the king, and may not be countermanded for to do so would be
to undermine the very structure of the Persian legal system.
Mordecai: Perhaps we should write new letters, giving our people
the right to defend themselves.
King: Haman? I didn't know you were a Jew.
Esther: That's Mordecai, Sire. My uncle, remember?
King (peering at Mordecai): Oh? Oh! Yes, of course, so it is.
Here, take my ring and write as you see fit, for what is written
in the king's name, and sealed with the king's ring may no man
reverse, which, I suppose, may make it difficult to write in
Hebrew, which is sort of reversed, but I'm sure you'll manage.
By the way, I seem to need a new Grand Wazir. You may as well
take the job, keep it in the family and all that.
Narrator: And so it was that new orders were written in the
King's name and translated into the many and various languages
of the people of Persia, even into Hebrew, which was reversed.
And these orders did command that the Jews should be ready upon
that day to avenge themselves upon their enemies. And the
Jews had Light and Joy, Gladness and Honor, the four top
swordsmiths in the kingdom working overtime making weapons.
Meanwhile, Haman's sons were getting very nervous, for they had
a sneaking sensation that their appearance in this drama
would be brief, but poignant.
Attendance at Shabbat services was also unusually high during
this time, even on days when there wasn't a bar-mitzvah.
Stay tuned for our next episode, "The Serfs Rise Up," or
"Hanging Ten."
9 Chapter 9 -- Be happy, it's Adar
First Disciple
Second Disciple
Third Disciple
King
Esther
Mordecai
Narrator: And so it was that on the thirteenth day of the
twelfth month, which is Adar, the Jews had rule over them that
hated them, and defended themselves against their enemies.
Of course, there were a few minor problems.
First Disciple: Why did they write this in Hebrew? How do they
expect us to read it?
Second Disciple: Last time I read Hebrew was at my bar-mitzvah.
Third Disciple: Sounds like you're between Iraq and a hard place.
Kuwait here, I'll get my rabbi to translate it.
First Disciple: Iran by his house earlier, he wasn't there.
Second Disciple: I Saudi rabbi heading out of town.
Third Disciple: No doubt he was off to perform a miracle.
First Disciple: Your rabbi can't perform miracles.
Third Disciple: Sure he can. Why, the other day he was trapped
in a flood. As the waters rushed down at him, he said "Water here,
water there," and walked safely down the middle.
Second Disciple: That's nothing. My rabbi was caught in a
horrendous fire. As the flames rose up, he said, "Fire here,
fire there," and walked safely down the middle.
First Disciple: That's nothing. Last Shabbat, my rabbi was
walking down the street when he saw a bag of money. He said,
"Shabbat here, shabbat there," and walked safely down the middle.
Exit all.
Enter King, Esther, Mordecai
Narrator: But other than a few minor glitches, the Jews smote
their enemies with the stroke of the sword and generally scared
the living daylights out of the king, who was only too happy to
give Mordecai and Esther anything they wanted.
King: And here's my ring, and here are some horses, and fine
clothes, and here, have some more wine, and, you know Mordie,
you really do look an awful lot like Haman, and here's some
scribes if you need them, and some gems, and some gold, and
the entire house of Haman, and all his land, and camels, and...
Exit all.
Stay tuned for our final episode, "A Shoeshine in Shushan," or
"All's Well That Ends."
10 Chapter 10 -- The End
Narrator: And so it was that they lived happily ever after,
except of course for the House of Haman, which stopped living
entirely. Ahaseurus left more and more of the governing of
the kingdom in the hands of Mordecai, and spent his time in
gaming and competition, taking a third place finish in the
"King Ahasuerus Look-alike Contest," and finally retiring as
the undefeated champion of the "King with the most
unpronounceable name" contest.
And Mordecai became great amongst the Jews, and accepted amongst
the multitude of his brethern, and no one ever called him "BiBi."