Technical Support

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

***

DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7 .

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

Husband (Returning late from work): Good evening dear, I'm now logged in.
Wife: Have you brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife: But I told you in the morning.
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found...
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers, or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters...
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are a useless.
Husband: It's by Default.
Wife: What about your salary?
Husband: File in use...Try after some time.
Wife: What is my value in the family?
Husband: Unknown Virus.

A airport fancy smart traveler was carrying two heavy suitcases in the terminal. A fellow passerby approached him and asked him what time it was. The fancy traveler bends down, rest his two heavy suitcases on the floor and looks at his watch. He pushes a tiny button and a beautiful woman's face appears.

He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary gives him the time instantly and that too with an attractive smile!

The passerby was highly impressed!

He inquires. "What kind of a watch is that?"

"It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the traveler explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel's brand new chip with processor speed of 12 Gigs.

The passerby is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this watch from the traveler. They agreed on a price and the cash was handed immediately. The traveler takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away.

The passerby now the new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you forgot your suitcases."

The smart traveler stops, and replies, "No, they are yours now, " then smiles cunningly and adds, "They are the addtional hardware and modems you need for your new watch. The one you just bought, enjoy!"