Justin Morneau hit two homers yesterday. Yay! He’s not only back but he just called from the year twenty-fourteen and said he’s going to hit 30 more homers this year. Because he’s a big, fat liar. He lies with his home runs and his fictitious calls from the future. There’s a stat I just made up called POOP (Players Out Of Power), where you take the fly balls a player hits and the injuries to their noggin, neck and back and you divide it by pi and Morneau gets a -7 on the POOP scale. He can’t even do well with a made-up stat I created to make him look bad. Well, I guess that makes sense. And now you’re making me look stupid?! I hate you, Morneau. Take your dopey, fragile (hey, it’s Italian!) body and go back to Canada. They’ll treat you for free there! These two home runs yesterday are your last chance to sell Morneau. Aim someone’s eyes away from the pathetic Twins offense, the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome pitching park, the Mauer-less lineup, the .299 OBP this year, the 8 homer pace and the pinched nerve in his neck that will probably shut him down in August when the Twins are eliminated and sell him! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ike Davis – Garfield from Parking Wars is placing a boot back on Ike’s foot because it’s not healing properly. I think the Mets doctors went to the same med school as Steve Guttenberg in Bad Medicine.

Daniel Murphy – Just when you thought the middle infidel schmohawks would go away, here comes another one. Murphy’s hitting near .500 over the last week and 8 for his last 14. No power, no speed, but he’s a hot schmotato.

Jordan Lyles – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. He was showing a backdoor curve that would give any man in The Castro a run for his money. I honestly expected to watch Lyles and Cobb yesterday and like Cobb more, but Lyles was much more dominant. I started him in a few mixed leagues, and will continue to do so.

Tyler Colvin – Was recalled with Soriano headed to the DL. I’m not sure of Colvin’s playing time, but Matthew Berry thinks Colvin can hit 40 homers. Go big or go home!

Peter Bourjos – 1-for-4 with his 6th steal. Bourjos should have at least 15 steals by now. Who’s the baserunning coach in Anaheim? Dexter Fowler?

Brett Lawrie – He left yesterday’s game after being hit by a pitch on the hand. Then he hashtagged a tweet later saying it was just a bruise and he’ll be fine. Then he hashtagged he was going to see Hangover II, then he hashtagged what Logan Morrison was eating for dinner, then Logan Morrison hashtagged the word ‘dude.’ A rumor has Lawrie coming up this Friday. Another rumor has him coming out of seedy motel with Rebecca Gayheart.

Chone Figgins – Will get a few days off to clear his head. To clear me head, I like to put on bicycle shorts and go for a spin in my Camaro with the license plate, STACHE.

Evan Longoria – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a homer as the lead-off hitter hit cleanup. Guess it’ll give him more time in the on-deck circle to work on his slap bunts.

Alex Cobb – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Here’s it broken down to you so simple that Larry, the Cable Guy could understand it. He’s in a tough division and he’s a rookie. In mixed, redraft leagues, I’d continue to let him sit on waivers.

Matt Joyce – 1-for-2 and his 9th home run as he leads the major leagues in batting average. Yeah, not even his parents would’ve put money on that. And he’s a real momma’s boy.

Anibal Sanchez – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. I will continue to point out how I dropped him after his 2nd start of the year so at least someone can get some schadenfreude out of this.

Kelly Johnson – Another day, another home run. BTW, doesn’t he have a name that sounds like your buddy’s sister? “Dude, don’t invite Kelly Johnson to the party. It’s always awkward when she’s flirting with me in front of her brother.”

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, his 17th homer and 8th steal. Three ladies and gentlemen, Curtis Granderson is your fantasy MVP for the first two months. Ain’t that a shin in the kicks?

Matt Wieters – 1-for-4 with his 5th home run. Good to see he’s still playing baseball. I had no idea.

Brandon Morrow – 5 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks. I have a real problem when I don’t even see the six earned runs and all I see is the nine Ks. I need help!

Chris Sale – Got the save yesterday because he was warming up when the Red Sox made it a save situation. Santos is still the closer, assuming Ozzie wakes up on the same side of the bed he has been for the last month.

Max Scherzer – 6 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Last year, a 9.45 ERA in May. This year, more bupkis. Like his eyes, his season comes in two shades, May and not-May.

Andres Torres – 1-for-5 with his 6th steal. Yesterday, a homer. Tomorrow, probably an injury. But I’d own him while he was hitting and running.

Ryan Vogelsong – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. I feel like everyone on the Giants, outside of Lincecum, I always say the same thing about — they’re not that good. Vogelsong, really isn’t. I swear. Now watch as he continues to baffle hitters.

Brandon Belt – Was hit by a pitch on the wrist but the x-rays came back negative. Bochy said Belt would miss a few days. Days Bochy wasn’t going to play him anyway.

Morrow’s turned into a fastball-slider pitcher. His offspeed and curveball weren’t great last season, but he at least threw them with some regularity (nearly as frequently as his slider). This year: 25% sliders, with a few (literally, as in 3-5) curves and offspeed per game. 67% of the time, he’s throwing gas.

I’d suggest hiding him against LHB heavy teams. His WHIP, even when throwing four pitches last year, was ~1.50 against LHB. With only a fastball and the pitch with the worst RHP/LHB splits in baseball, it might get uglier. Throw him out there if you really want the Ks, but he’s going to kill your WHIP like EJax.

Morrow’s stuff is bonkers enough for him to succeed even while pissing in the wind, but don’t count on it.

is it just me or does it seem lik every single time a starting pitcher gets BLOWN up they go on the DL the next day? or they’re DTD, as this is supposed to make me feel better about the destruction they just did to my fantasy team?

@Mr2Bits: Unless you own Rivera you should expect a game or two like that a season. Sucks, but whaddyagonnado?:
@RonWashington’sStache: Absolutely, Dunn has a lot more upside and has not completely adjusted to only DHing, not playing the field, and The Cell is much more of a hitter’s paradise then Walmart Park.

@RonWashington’sStache: i think he’s much better than wigginton, but i think he and eyjr are gonna be close. eyjr should easily best him in avg, Rs, and SBs. espinosa will win HRs and RBIs with 10-15 SBs. both are valuable. between espinosa and eyjr, it depends on your needs.

But Grey Danny Espinosa has a low average! Matt Berry hates low averages! I have Espinosa and Johnson and it has felt like homer orgy along with an all you can eat buffet the last two days. Also nice call on Lyles. Great stuff dude!

it’s hard to find even potential morneau takers out there. with 1B being the deepest position, unless you are just swapping morneau for another slow starter (i.e. dunn), you are stuck trying to find someone willing to work a 2-for-1, and that’s gotten pretty difficult to do in my leagues unless you really blow away the team giving up the 1.

My trade of Pablo Sandoval for Jason Heyward just got processed. Heyward is on my team now and can’t wait to get him into my lineup. Last I heard is that he’s out for 2 more weeks. Did I make a good/bad trade?

After weeks of shopping Morneau around and getting no responses, I dropped him and picked up Morse. Started Scherzer yesterday so it appears that Morneau is determined to screw my team even after I drop him. I wish him ill.

i offered morneau for daniel hudson in a league where a guy has helton starting at 1B and a deep staff. i also own morneau in my RCL league, so i doubt i’ll find a taker. i’d love to package morneau + ubaldo for a moderate upgrade somewhere, but not even sure i can get enough of an sure thing to outweigh the chance that ubaldo and morneau return to elite form.

These crazy big stadiums have gone too far the other way in reaction to the roids era of 15 homers a game. The big shots didn’t realize that once players are de-juiced, the offense will fall back to earth. I made a point to avoid Met, Padre, and Twin hitters this year, which is working out.

Morrow, like Volquez, is no good. K’s are nice, but guys with great stuff but iffy command are always a headache.

Johnson, Blake, or Valencia for 3rd until Wright comes back or Lawrie gets 3rd eligibility?

@Jay: I like the Cano side by quite a bit, actually. Ichiro is crap, CC is very solid and on a good team, but he’s not really THAT great and doesn’t have #1 SP numbers right now, and Tex is definitely solid (at least power-wise, his avg. is garbage), but I’m still going Bruce side all day long.

@Eddy: just my $0.02, but I wouldn’t burn it on Soria either. It might be awhile until he sniffs the job again. He wasn’t good in the role this season, anyway. He could be the 2011 Broxton, and Crow could (conceivably) take over for the rest of the year.

@The Talented Mr. Douche Bag: hey man,go to the top left of the page where you can type in the words razzball shirts hit enter,scroll down to the shirts post and the rest is simple,shirts are awesome,i got the grey anklebitter one,ask if you have trouble

Hi Grey — How worried are you about Scherzer? That’s two stinkbombs in a row he’s thrown, and he’s @ TEX next time around.

Of more immediate concern, in a deep roto league, would you start Pelfrey at home tomorrow vs. PIT?

His home ERA is around 2 and he’s got good career numbers against the Pirates. He’d probably only strike out my mother-in-law 1 time in 5 ABs, but I’m falling behind on innings while I wait on Liriano and Beachy, and now you’re probably going to tell me to beech Scherzer for a start or two.

I GOT RID OF MORNEAU! just traded him straight up for hudson (out of whom i’m expecting to see a positive correction coming soon). last week i traded grienke and some excess pieces for longoria. been needing to make a move for another SP. i have smoak and hosmer and moreland i can move into 1B (weekly lineups, so i carry more bench bat options than a daily league).

@Grey I think Lawrie’s trade value is higher than ever. Nothing like some rookie nookie! Ok, in my 12 team roto keeper have a need for W, ERA, WHIP. Have been offered Hamels for Lawrie and Wright (will have to drop him next yr) and also CC and Valverde for Lawrie and Wright. Which deal looks better on not? (I have Bautista and Espinosa and EYJ at 3B/2B/MI)

@Grey: Just a followup to my Pelfrey question. I was looking over previous questions in this thread and see you recommended Maholm as a possible spot starter in that PIT @NYM game. He’s available in the same league where I was mulling Pelfrey. I didn’t consider him because his career stats against the Mets are bad and he pitches worse on the road.

In an amazing yawn-inducing question, which would you rather start in that game between Maholm and Pelfrey?

14 team deep mixed league OPS in place of BA/QS is place of W. I’d be receiving Gordon. My other starters are: Lincecum, Weaver, Price, Kuroda, McClellan, Davis, Arroyo. My offense has struggled all year – especially in OPS.

With Lind coming off the DL I’ve gotta drop someone. These are my only “droppable-ish” players in an 8 Team H2H league:

Kelly Jo, Morrison, Morse, Zobrist, Uggla, Peavy

You said yesterday to drop Morrison, but his bomb last night kinda lured me in. I’m almost leaning Zorilla, or trying to deal Zobrist and a starting pitcher for an upgrade to clear roster space. What do you (or any commenter) think?

1. safe to drop mike minor? or is he a hold?
2. can you rank these bullpen arms? guerra/rubby dlr/hensley/mike dunn/kuo/padilla
3. do you think that if i own BOTH salas&sanchez i have a good shot at saves for the ROS in the cards bullpen??? Or should i worry about a trade that gets STL a seasoned closer?
4. do you think that ryan franklin is coming back???

Opinion on this trade: I’ve been offered Scott Baker and Aybar for CJ Wilson. I’m in 1st place at the top of pitching categories but offense is holding me back. Baker would be replace Wilson in rotation and Aybar would replace O. Cabrera at SS.

@Wilsonian: a gonz and prince are basically a wash, so it comes down to j-up for heywar/pineda imo. you would be trading heyward at the bottom of his value right now. if you’ve held him this long, i might try to sit on him utnil he’s healthy and puts together a few hot weeks and then get more value out of him.

@ThePoonTycoon: see, I look at it as A-Gonz is much better and more consistent than Fielder. I just don’t trust Fielder that much. Yes, he’s solid, and one of the top fantasy options at his position, but I just don’t personally trust him. Heyward kinda scares me with his injury issues. I’d put him and Upton in the same tier, but Upton has been healthier (knock on wood) so I trust him more. I also like Pineda, but I’m thinking he’s going to be on the downward spiral pretty soon (I could be wrong) and will be useless come playoff time.

@ThePoonTycoon: Just did a little research on Lester. His career SLG % is .370, however it was .476 in May. also, his career BABIP is .304, while it was 3.57 in May. Seems to me like he is getting a little unlucky. His k/9 in May was 9.8, which is actually higher then his career average (8.4). Another thing i saw stick out was his BB/9 in May was 4.3, which is what is killing him right now, since he owns a 3.4 BB/9 career average.

His control is a little worrisome,, but all signs point to him rebounding easily. the only other month in his career that he had an ERA higher than it was in May 2011 was May 2009 and Lester ended up having a solid year in 2009. 2009 stats: 203 IP, 15W’s, 225 K’s, 3.412 ERA, 1.2309 Whip. I’m buying him right now, and hoping to get him for about .75 on the dollar.

@ThePoonTycoon: yeah, I agree there on Heyward’s value. That part does suck. But I still think it’s a slight overall upgrade for me. Mostly because I worry about Heyward’s health. He’s already had shoulder and back issues. And I don’t think Pineda is going to turn into Mike Morgan or anything, I just think he’ll get slightly figured out/get tired/something like that. And his numbers won’t be so high. I look at this as selling him at his highest. He won’t get any more value later in the year.

In a 16-team, H2H league. My third basemen are Betemit and Ryan Roberts (I, too, drank the Pedro Alvarez kool-aid laced with antifreeze). On the waiver wire is Laynce Nix, who has been hitting rather well lately. I am thinking of dropping Betemit because he is downright yawnstipating, but my league is quite thin at 3B if Roberts does not work out. Whaddya think? I have Pac-man, Cruz, Joyce, Morse, and Choo as OF’s.

just found this blurb about Haren, thought I’d share it with the rest youse…

The Orange County Register reports that Angels starter Dan Haren tweaked his back during a bullpen session on Wednesday. He left the field in “obvious discomfort.” Haren is the scheduled starter for Saturday’s game against the Yankees. “He says he’ll be fine, but we’ll see,” manager Mike Scioscia told MLB.com

@Eng: If the trade excluded Hanley and Drew, I would not take it. The closers are nice, but Braun=Pujols and is $35 cheaper.
I am not sure if adding Hanley and Drew makes it worth taking considering what has been going on with Hanley (performance and injuries).
That is my logic anyways, because obviously in a non-keeper league it is an absolute no-brainer that I would take the trade.

Nowadays, I’d rather keep good hitting than trade for good pitching. There’s so much good pitching you can find on the waiver wire or trade-for cheaply, and it’s so much harder to find good hitting these days.

My pitching staff this season is: M. Pineda, Scott Baker, Bud Norris, J. Chacin, Bart Colon, Mat Latos, Vogelsong and E. Bedard, and I’m 52-15-3 in my H2H league (yay, cookie for me). I drafted Norris and Chacin, picked up Pineda, Baker, Vogelsong and BEdard via FA, and I got Latos as a part of a bigger trade.

@timSTI I misread originally, I mean how good is Utley going to be this year and this is coming from a Phillies fan. He is hitting .190 right now. I definitely wouldn’t trade Hamels or Yoga for him and I don’t even think I would deal Gio for him to be honest with you. His best days are behind him, how many HR’s do you think Utley hits the rest of the way 12? with a .270 average, yawnstipating…

@blinkuldhc: every time Bruce hits a bomb, I cry like a little girl. I dealt him 2 weeks into the season. Someone offered me Walden/C. Santana for Tabata and I countered with Bruce. In my defense, Tabata was playing much better at the time, but shit that guy got a steal. And I’m playing him this week.

did you see braun get the runner home from 3rd tonight,took a half swing to hit it to the right side to get a runner in,you dont see too many guys do that anymore,not even non superstars,oh but bruce/votto combo come thru

@AL KOHOLIC: I’m rolling with Kelly Jo right now. He’s definitely out producing them. I might try something like that if he turns me down on the Gio/Zobrist for Kennedy/Cruz deal. I know he likes Gio. He’s tried to get him from me already.

Guy offered Ian Kennedy for my Asdrubal. Obviously I’m not even remotely interested in doing that, but he does have some other guys who would be more enticing. He has Jed Weaver, Halladay, and Matt Kemp. Obviously any of those 3 would be a great addition to my team, but Asdrubal is also playing like the #1 SS in baseball right now. Would you guys counter offer straight up for one of the 3 guys I mentioned or sit tight? Also, FYI, Jed Lowrie would be my SS if Hanley goes to the DL.

Missed the first period but caught the rest. Im positive my entire apartment building heard my screams of delight when he put that shot home. Both goalies were outstanding. Oh, and uhh baseball is cool too.

@Black Beard: thanks,ive been worried,is it me or are there more than normal amout of players that have a track record of sucess but have totally sucked this year,i mean hanley,dunn type numbers oh and uggla,

@Grey: Hey Grey, I dropped Turner today, luckily I had him in my lineup for the Mets first home run tonight in god knows how many games!! So I replaced him with Espinosa while Zobrist slides in my Util spot for now. Should I look to grab Turner back or do you think his hot streak is over like my initial thinking…

Second, I have Markakis and Rios on the bottom of my OF roster and there killing me…I can use these guys to drop and grab back Turner who could take a Util spot while Espinosa is streaking…

Other options includes grabbing Carlos Santana to backup Wieters or play in Util. Others available are C Hart, Hosmer, R Davis, D Murphy.

I tend to lean towards the Mets which is why I’m adamant about getting Turner back if possible or going with Mr. Murphy..I’m in first place so just looking to refresh the bottom of my lineup

OUCH. I remember that early stretch. I had Tabata and he was near-untouchable for me as well, playing like TB’s Carl Crawford with his HR-SB-HR&SB-HR-2SB stretches, it seemed.

But hey, it’s a long season, who knows? Bruce is crazy streaky and could end up with just 24 HRs (probably not).

If it makes you feel any better, I’ve traded Joyce for M. Brantley, Pineda for A. Rios, Stubbs for Soria in the last month, and in the first week of the season I traded Ellsbury for Raburn. We’ve all been there before….. although trading Jay Bruce this season is particularly painful.