Life, Times, Memories

The Crossroad or Something Like It

It was not so long ago that we were standing at a crossroad in our life. It felt more like an end in the road at that time. God only knows how we have come so far from there! Each day has been a step and a tiny one at that.

Today, I share this because a very dear friend of mine is going through something similar in her life. She is at a crossroad of her own. She had her second baby a few months ago. He was born with some heart defect. One thing led to another and today he is a very sick child. The doctors have said that he will be a special child always and will not have a very long and healthy life and that too mostly at hospitals. The husband and the wife then decided to settle him out of the hospital into a family, other than theirs, which is equipped to handle such babies. The little baby is doing much better now but some changes in the brain and the body are irreversible. I just pray that they be given enough strength and wisdom to live with their decision every day for the rest of their lives. It must have been one of the toughest decisions that they will ever make in their lifetime!

A few years ago, we lost our first born twin babies soon after they were born. It was a devastating time for us and we could never have dreamt about it in our worst nightmares. I am sure nobody can. But, life throws such googlies at times; we know not what to do with them. Both, my husband and I, used to grieve in our own ways; sometimes sharing, at other times just keeping to ourselves. We grew with each other.

I could not even hold the babies properly in my arms as they were in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) all the time. They were born way too early and were gone just like that before we could comprehend. I was inconsolable about it in my heart for months and years. I could hold only one of the babies for a few minutes as the other just went away within a few hours of being born. I missed not holding him even for a few minutes. I just wanted to hold both of them once more. There was such a weight on my heart about this.

Then, something extraordinary happened. I got pregnant with my daughter after months of waiting. We were still so shaken to the core that our celebrations were muted should something happen again. And, one morning I got up feeling that all the weight on my heart had been lifted. I felt so peaceful. Suddenly, a thought flashed in my mind. I had dreamt that I was in a room with my babies. And, they were in my arms! I felt the warmth of their tiny bodies in my arms. They were with me!

Since that day, my guilt, of just being able to hold one baby and not the other, vanished. I was happier and peaceful with myself. I have never been able to convince myself that the dream was just a manifestation of my mind and my grieving heart. It was something much more than that. Maybe, I will be able to explain it better some other time.

We have since been blessed with two babies – a daughter and a son. They are beautiful. Their births have been adventures in themselves. I feel blessed to be a mother of four babies – two in my heart and two in my soul.