Monday, April 9, 2012

Unfinished

It's how I feel. Unfinished. Left alone, left to wonder. Left to wander. Aching for more explanation and certainty but realizing that I'm at a loss.

I'm not good at anything with details. Phone service, Internet, even pest control (very important to me) you name it, I've messed it up these last two weeks. It seems that all I touch turns to mush. I sign up for the wrong thing or I forget a necessary step. I plug everything into the wrong outlet. Everywhere I turn there's a failure. It's just how I feel-unfinished.

But.

Aren't you glad there's a "But..." following my rant of self-pity? I sure am.

He isn't finished, not with me or my situation. He hasn't finished working on the hurt in my heart yet. I'm not through the process completely, and He's never rushing me through it. He wants me to trust Him no matter how raw and unfinished I feel. That's just it-it's how I FEEL. As a counselor I learned that making decisions based solely on how we FEEL never turns out well. Feelings grow and fade. They change. People change how we feel and only the Lord truly steadies our feelings.

So I'm staying here, where He put me. I'm not sure how long I'll be here. I hope not much longer. What I'd give for a glimpse of a future without heartache! For me and my kids. They are struggling. Charlie is aching for her Daddy. She sings praise songs and puts his name in them. Then she tells me she knows he can hear since he's with Jesus. Then she asks me why Daddy won't come back. When I say that he can't she asks why God won't send him back since God can do anything. I love that I know exactly how she feels when she feels it. It helps me realize that she needs more help. It breaks my heart more for her and Ty and Joy every day that goes by. As my own heart starts to heal and I can forgive Sean it seems like a deeper pain lingers for the kids. Their Daddy loved them and they know that. But one day he left and didn't come back and they don't get it. Neither do I. Once again, unfinished.

Every day I wake up and wonder of it's all a dream. I remember that it's not and I have to decide how to live that day. Looking back or looking up. I can't stand to go back through the pain that God has already healed me from so I look up. I can't figure out how to help the kids with their questions. I hate that they wonder if I'm gonna leave them. I hate that nothing I'm doing provides them with the deep sense of security that I grew up feeling. I hate their fear. Then I hate Sean for causing it. Unfinished.

Give me hope that only You can, Lord. I beg You to show me that You will finish this, maybe not here, maybe on the other side of Glory but that You will finish this. Show me that it's safe to rest in You instead of spinning my wheels trying to reassure the kids. Like Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to Me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."

4 comments:

Thanks Mary for your real raw truth... made me think of Easter related phrase... someday we (all who believe) will be able to look Christ in the eye and hear "It is finished!" and I pray you will also hear "well done"... but in the meantime know I pray and urge you on as fellow human being, therapist, and wounded believer... you have my "well done" and I hope it translates somehow from the Spirit in me to the Spirit in you... thanks... love in Christ - Andrew

even if we had all the answers, and knew all the reasons - well, the pain goes deeper than reason or logic - and provides no satisfactory conclusion. there's a dimension to God's love that will always transcend human emotion or understanding. God is love. That's the only level playing field. Love is a wacky thing.

Hi Y'all

Why Grasshopper Momma?

I feel like a grasshopper most days. There doesn't seem to be much planning or even thought behind where grasshoppers go or what they do. That's me. I'm not a planner.

God must laugh at us often. Sitting up there after setting up our tent, watching us bump into each other and run around like grasshoppers. I like the little guys. Identifying with them a lot these days.