WTF is the MET GALA? WHO CARES because RED CARPET PICTURES!!!!

May 6, 2014

What. Up.

It’s been awhile! And, if you are reading “it’s been awhile” not in the StainD “It’s Been Awhile” chorus singing style then YOU ARE FAILING AT THIS… and by THIS… I mean life… and by “life”… I mean remember 90’s cutter songs that have ingrained themselves in my head forever – FOR EV ER.

Anyway…

WELCOME BACK, ME!!!!

So, I’m done with all those descriptions I was writing. Like 3500 descriptions. Like not an exaggeration, but a reality of 3500+ descriptions. I think the number is actually right about 3700 descriptions, but who is counting… ME! I was counting!!!! And, so were the people paying me!!! THEY WERE COUNTING!!! But, it seems like that is over. Honestly, I think it was money well spent on their part because I have read some of the fight descriptions that I did not write and they are AWFUL. In a single word, AWFUL. In another word that is hyphenated, SEMI-ILLITERATE. So, they at the very least received 3700 descriptions that are literate, reasonable, and I believe informative. So, if by any chance, you are roaming around UFC Fight Pass and you read a description that appears to have been written by a dolphin who speaks English as a second language then that wasn’t one of mine.

Honestly, I’d liked to be honest with you folks – whichever few folks that have stuck around to read this after a month long absence – I have missed you. YES, YOU! I MISSED YOU!!! I MISSED ALL OF YOU!!! And, let’s hope I’m funny to warrant you sticking around to read this.

So, what am I writing about today? What am I breaking my silence for today? What could possibly be sooooo fucking great that I need to actually do something about it?

WELL!!!!!!????!?!?!?!?!?!?!

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UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

DID JOHNNY DEPP BECOME ANG LEE?!?!?!? OR DID ANG LEE BECOME JOHNNY DEPP?!!?!?!?!? YOU DON’T THINK I WOULD WANT TO WRITE ABOUT THIS IN-FUCKING-SANE NEWS!?!?!? WHO WOULD’VE GUESSED THAT THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED!?!?!? THERE’S GOT TO BE SOMEONE OUT THERE IN THE WORLD THAT MADE A SEEMINGLY CARELESS BET THAT ONE DAY OSCAR NOMINATED ACTOR AND HOLLYWOOD HUNK JOHNNY DEPP WOULD ONE DAY GROW UP TO BECOMING 2X OSCAR WINNING DIRECTOR ANG LEE FROM CHAOCHOU, PINGTUNG, TAIWAN!!

Who would’ve fucking guessed that this would happen? Seriously! It’s incredible. It really begs the question… do we all become Ang Lee in the future? Is it just those of us that really really really want to be Ang Lee or is it just something that happens? I mean besides that one person who made a Las Vegas parlay bet on it in the previous paragraph, did any of us really see it coming? Was there possibly a sign that Johnny Depp would become Ang Lee? Or was it an overnight werewolf like transformation? THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW!!!!!

Anyway, I think I might like Johnny Depp again now that he’s Ang Lee. It has LITERALLY been a DECADE since I’ve seen a Johnny Depp movie that I have liked. That movie THE LIBERTINE, which came out in 2004. I liked that movie quite a bit. Since then, I’ve seen several Johnny Depp movies and haven’t liked any of them. Are we calling RANGO a Johnny Depp movie? It was whatever. I thought the animation was amazing, but the story and so forth was dumb. And, I know it was a kids movie, but I’m selfishly reviewing it from my adult perspective and as an adult it was meh.

Back to Ang Lee… errr Mr. Depp. He looks excellent as Ang Lee. He looks kind of terrible as Johnny Depp though. As for Amber Heard, well, maybe it’s just the picture, but it looks like her face is being slowly pulled toward the middle of her face. Generally, a beautiful creature. Maybe what we’re seeing is that Amber is transforming into someone else as well. I believe we all know this is possible from the 1987 classic “Innerspace” with Dennis Quaid, Martin Short, and Meg Ryan and that when your face is changing from one person to another that your face has a few weird phases in the meantime. I don’t want to rush to any judgement on Amber besides that she is gradually changing her face to match someone else’s like Johnny Depp previously did with Ang Lee.

So…

MET GALA RED CARPET PICTURES!!!!!

Some days Rihanna looks fucking amazing… other days Rihanna looks fucking scary. Today is most definitely the former.

Let me interrupt for a moment…

I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT THIS EVENT IS!!!!

Was this in New York? Is there a Met in LA? I guess so, right? I don’t know. Either way, what’s the “gala” for? Why are there so many celebrities there? Why is there this huge red carpet for it? How did people even know this was a thing? And at the same time, I’m pretty sure I’ve posted pictures from this before and still have no idea what this event is. Plus, a lot of the people there were really famous and with them were their dress designers, so that’s weird, right?

Anyway…

Rihanna looks hot. Her face is fierce, this monochrome dress is pretty much two small white sheets stretched around her enviable body hiding the naughty bits, so she looks great.

THERE SHE IS!!!

KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT… and by it in this situation I mean off this red fucking carpet.

Honestly, this whole idea that Kristen Stewart doesn’t smile or whatever is totally a deception from the big bad corporate world of celebrity red carpet picture galleries. I follow a few people on twitter because of steadfast loyalty and those people posted a ZILLION pictures of Kristen Stewart’s no doubt 30 foot walk from one end of the carpet to up the stairs and there is a picture of every fucking nano second of it and a whole bunch of them had her smiling her now orange-headed smile. So, this is deliberate! They chose a picture of her not smiling on purpose! Not that Rihanna was smiling. Not that Ang Lee was giving any toothy grin up there. Not that any autistic person or orangoutang or otherwise would ever consider what Amber Heard was doing as smiling… ANYWAY!!!!

I’m not into this dress. It’s Chanel I believe because I think that’s what everyone was tweeting and with that I say – where the fuck is Kristen Stewart’s body, Chanel!!! Not that Kristen and Kim Kardashian have much in common body wise, but K-Stew has a body and this dress is kind of just like the most elaborate longsleeve t-shirt with random skirt bottom kind of outfit.

I don’t mind the black and gold color scheme, but everything else… let’s show off something. Legs? Arms? This dress is a ski mask away from being United Arab Emirates appropriate. YEAH! WHADDUP, CHANEL!!! SHOTS FIRED!!! I’M CALLING YOU OUT FOR MAKING CONSERVATIVE ISLAMIC APPROPRIATE DRESSES!!!

I’m sure they were like, “Katie, you’ll look just like Belle in Beauty and the Beast”.

And in reality, it looks like they threw-up yellow on her.

I appreciate the boobs. I do. I do appreciate the effort that was put into this dress with the designs on the dress as well as the work that went into making Taylor Swift look like she has hips and boobs. That’s well done craftmanship or craftwomanship or craftdolphinship. The rest I’m not into. Especially, the hair. The soft pink dress as is can be easily seen as childish, so adding the Shirley Temple hair-do just seals the deal. TAYLOR – YOU’RE 24! NOT 14!!! HAVE A DESIGNER DRESS YOU LIKE AN ADULT AND NOT SOME CHILD THEY WANT TO MAKE LOOK LIKE AN ADULT WHICH IS JUST CREEPY! SHIRLEY TEMPLE WAS CREEPY IN HINDSIGHT!!!

Here you go! Pink and looks like an adult. Well played, Rachel McAdams. I’m not necessarily in love with this dress either, but I’m just saying she looks like a person who is an adult and not some like 5’10” little girl.

Is this Lupita’s dress or her audition for BOARDWALK EMPIRE? Am I right? BURN!!! ZING!!!

Hmmmm… you know… she looks pretty great though, so whatever. I still say she looks like an extra from THE GREAT GATSBY, which is fine. So, yeah, I don’t know. Did you see that movie? The Great Gatsby? Jeez, that sucked. Like bad. Like awful. Like people who saw that movie first should have warned everyone else that that was a garbage ass movie. Did you see it? Do you remember the scene where Carey Mulligan is orgasming because Leonardo Di Caprio is throwing button down shirts at her and the whole time her brother Tobey Maguire is watching while holding a martini glass? That movie was awful. Awful.

So, Naomi Campbell doesn’t age.

So, Naomi Campbell is officially a vampire.

So, this was a misstep, right?

I mean if Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka could do it all over again they wouldn’t have shown up as Nazi symphony conductors, right? You would think they wouldn’t, but who knows. Celebrities are crazy! If it was between wearing this and wearing a jockstrap to this enigmatic Met Gala then I would be wearing that jockstrap with a fucking smile because I’m totally not showing up as a Nazi symphony conductor.

Also, NPH’s face may be caught in a weird transition phase much like Amber Heard’s was, but it looks like NPH’s face is sinking into itself. Not a good look in general, not a good look while also dressed as a Nazi symphony conductor.

David Burtka on the other hand looks the epitome of health while dressed as an even more fashionable Nazi symphony conductor.

They’re parents of two kids, right? I guess it’s comforting to know that regardless of whether you’re a child with a straight parent duo or a gay parent duo – YOUR PARENTS WILL TAKE FUCKING PICTURES LIKE THIS THAT WILL EMBARRASS THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!

BAM!

Look at that fucking leg! LOOK AT IT! It’s magnificent! Seriously, I like what’s happening here. It’s a lot of leg, but even up top I’m cool with it. A lot of neck and shoulder action and even some boob, but it’s still classy looking. Kim’s looking good.

Kanye – well, he’s trying something weird with his pants. His legs look weird. Tuxedo pants are not supposed to look like black jeans. I feel like Kanye is trying too hard to look different, which I guess means he’s fitting in with all these other celebrities. Kanye is a regular tux that fits him and his wife in this dress looking better than pretty much every actress in the building? Eh, whatever. Do you, Kanye. I hope some idiot interviewer asked him about Sarah Michelle Gellar and he just replied “who?” and then laughed his ass off because that bitch is sitting at home and not attending this event because no one invites SMG to events like this one.

Ok, I’m going to speed this up now…

7 years younger than Taylor Swift and yet dresses more like an adult. Hailee was accompanied in some other pictures by a little Filipino looking man who I assume was her fashion designer. Actually, a bunch of these ladies on other sites are in pictures with tiny little men who designed these dresses.

Never would’ve thought of Rosie Hu… whatever you know who she is… would be perfect as like the Terminatrix or as Sheera or something, but this is changing my opinion.

Is it just me or do you see like a faux belly button about 8 inches lower than where it probably is on Kate Upton’s body and do you think it looks like she’s got no smooth plastic area where her vagina should be? Just me?

She is showing off some boobs here, but i could use more.

I don’t really like the hat or bow or whatever is going on up there. It ties the whole black ensemble together in some way, but I’m not into it.

I mean I’m definitely into the fact that it’s like Beyonce is wearing a barely there sheer bathrobe.

Jigga-man looks good. No weird pants like Kanye.

Uhhhhhhh… did no one tell Kirsten Dunst that she didn’t get the Star Wars VII part? Kind of awkward to tell her now, right? Might as well just put her in the movie for an obligatory topless shot that she is more than comfortable doing.

I guess I respect her wearing this because I love Star Wars, but then I’m like why, but then again I’m like WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MET GALA?!?!?!

REMEMBER US?!?!?! HEY, REMEMBER US?!?!?! I WAS ON THAT SHOW AND HE WAS IN THOSE MOVIES AND ON THAT OTHER SHOW!!! NO!!! NO! WE DID NOT SNEAK IN!! WE HAVE TICKETS!!! WE JUST LEFT THE TICKETS IN THE LIMO!! YES, WE HAVE A LIMO!! NO, YOU DID NOT SEE US PULL UP IN A RUSTED CHEVY BLAZER!! THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN! HONEY, TELL HIM…

I’m sure one day Hollywood will cast movies and TV shows with suitable love interests, but things like Charlize Theron banging Sean Penn is continuing the perception that this is seen as acceptable or the norm or anything. I guess Sean Penn is a step-up for Charlize. Wasn’t she dating some homeless musician before?

I’m not saying I don’t like Sean Penn, but I bet his dumps are pretentious.

Lake Bell and her tattoo artist husband. I guess Lake is pregnant? Seriously, if you don’t know Lake Bell then get yourself acquainted with her great work like her movie IN A WORLD and get yourself acquainted with her great boobs by doing a Google search for Lake Bell in Esquire or Lake Bell topless.

Classy Kendrick. I like it.

What? Am I supposed to make fun of everybody?

I cannot wait to see Dakota Johnson beat with a belt, am I right? How satisfying will that be for America… nay… the world?! That is what the ending of FIFTY SHADES OF GREY is, right? She gets beat with a belt. So, I’m just saying won’t be great when we all get to see her beat with a belt? The answer is yes.

Not that I’ll ever see that haunted mirror movie “Oculus”, but if the end of the movie is that this picture of the Olsen twins is what is haunting the world through that mirror the whole time then I’d say BRAVO to whoever made that movie.

I really hope that Ashley and Mary-Kate just call Elizabeth “boobs”. I hope that’s their nickname for their younger sister. Just like “Hey, Boobs, are you filming ANOTHER movie this year?! Hahahahah… can we have a part in it? Please, Boobs. We mean, please Elizabeth.” And yes, the Olsen Twins speak as one and talk in plural about themselves.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I hope this isn’t some “Game of Thrones” spoiler. Those things seem to be everywhere nowadays.

FANTASTIC.

Or should I say…

FANT-BOOBS-TIC.

In retrospect, Taylor’s outfit wasn’t so bad.

Jeez, does Chanel hate Chloe Grace Moretz? I just saw in the caption that this is Chanel’s doing. I mean, sure Kick-Ass 2 was a cash grab movie, but it doesn’t mean you do this to the poor girl.

And… there are a million more pictures… Sarah Silverman was in quite a ball gown, Zoe Kravitz and Maggie Gyllenhaal looked like meth addicts, Chrissy Teigen and John Legend looked immaculate, and all sorts of stuff, but I’m going to end on this because, well, how do you top these…

PROTRUDING HIP BONES!!!!

FUCKING HOT, RIGHT?! Oh man, Kate Bosworth is really at that optimal weight. That optimal weight for that Holocaust survivor sexy chic that we’re all so fond of.

I mean, seriously, folks. It’s disgusting that we promote women like Kate Upton and Kim Kardashian with their boobs, butts, and bodies that don’t allow us to easily trace their skeletal structure underneath. I mean what’s their problem? Don’t they know that health is gauged in how sickly thin someone’s waist looks to the point that you can actually see their inner-workings producing waste?

Jokes aside… I mean is Kate Bosworth working on a reboot of THE MACHINIST?

If they made a BLUE CRUSH sequel right this minute, the only thing that would be crushed would be Bosworth’s entire body from the weight of the surfboard. Good Lord!