depression is waiting

It’s been too long since I last blogged. Typing this right now is bringing back lots of memories, good and bad.

As many of you know, I tried to kill myself on 5/20/2011.

This attempt was very serious. Months of planning and plotting coupled with hundreds of dollars spent on drugs from India went into it. I carried that exact date in my head for weeks – in a cruel way, it kept me going. *Please do a search if you want more info.*

Anyway, since I am no longer in that state of mind, I have been thinking a lot about how I felt then. I’ve been trying to organize my thoughts into something coherent, but they’re just not coming together. I still want to share them though. My hope is that by sharing them and starting a discussion with you (if anyone still reads this), it will bring me some closure.

So over the next few days, I will be doing a series of posts detailing some of my notes/thoughts.

Depression is waiting.

Time moved slower. I moved slower, as I waited for something – anything, really – to change. The days grew longer, and the only thing that seemed to make speed them up, were thoughts of an exit. Death, in other words.

I haven’t gotten around to writing about my experience yet … still waiting for the final remaining symptoms to “fade away”. Once those are gone and I have some better perspective then I’ll sum it up. On the other hand, a lot of experiences have become “normal” and I only remember from time to time how different they used to be.

Yes, depression does, for lack of a better term, kill lots of time — too much time — even while it seems to slow everything down. It’s a psychological tar pit.

Keep writing, it’ll keep you going.

re: suicide… I’ve thought about it too, from time to time. Never went through with it (obviously!). But something just occurred to me: why bother killing myself now since I’m going to die one day anyway? I don’t mean to be flippant, it’s just sometimes even suicide itself seems to be as pointless as living often seems to be.

Hey Mike,
Thanks for sharing your story. I also suffer with depression as result of my bipolar disorder. There are some new developments in drugs and other treatment methods on the way for treating our depression so hang tight I am. Have my fingers and toes crossed.

I am Mike. As of writing, I suffer from Social Anxiety, Depression, Perfectionism, and Disordered Eating, among other things. I like to think this blog is my journey toward personal understanding, and each day I get a little closer to being able to name the experiences going on inside my body.