So, okay. I remember a while back I said I was closing up shop and that I wouldn’t be taking any more lovers. Then I admitted that I’d really liked the first poly friend I was trying to just be friends with. Let’s call him.. Traveler. I can’t remember what nickname I gave him before. Anywho.. he travels for work all the time and is really not all that available and he’s smoking hot.. and great chemistry.. sooooo..

Okay. Dammit. I’m a bit of a slut. I let him on the roles. He was the guy I had the AMAZING first date with last week. I’m a little embarrassed to admit it.. but yes. Okay.. I have 4 lovers. Roller Girl, Kinky Boy, Great Date, and Traveler. Anywho, Traveler and I were having The Talk. You know, you’re all hot and heavy and sex is looking imminent? Yep, time for the talk.

There’s the sound of screeching brakes and you say “So, I think we should have the talk about safe sex and such”. He clears his throat. Then you lay out when you were tested, what if anything you have, what kind of safe sex you practice, and what factors to consider there are. Some things nobody cares about. It usually goes like this.

“I have HS1”, they say. That’s Herpes Simplex One. You get this one usually from Grandma giving you kisses or from sharing an icecream cone or whatever. Point is, you get cold or canker sores as a kid and nobody gives a damn if you have this one.

“I have HPV”, I say. Nobody really cares about this one either because something like 80% of all sexually active people have been exposed to it. Most strains are harmless and give you genital warts that they freeze or whatever off. There are dangerous strains that cause things like cervical cancer though, and only a few of these strains are able to be vaccinated from. People don’t care about this one but they should a little. Condoms are only 70% or so effective against it and men are often carriers showing no signs at all and quietly infecting all the women they sleep with. So, if you or anyone in your poly universe or polycule has or ever had HPV, all the women should get yearly pap smears. Hell.. if you’re poly you should get them anyway. Tell your friends and lovers.

“I have HSV2”, others say. This is Herpes Simplex 2, or the genital herpes kind. In some circles you might as well say I’m a leper and do not sleep with me. It’s also not totally protected from with a condom and there is also no cure. You can take meds to reduce the chance of outbreaks and of being contagious, but it blows a little. Eh.. whatever. People weigh in on both sides about this one, but honestly it’s usually a lack of knowledge that makes people freak. It’s a skin condition. It won’t kill you. It’s weird to me that this is even that big of a deal. I don’t have it but I don’t rule out partners who do. The prejudice is ridiculous.

Then there’s the whole.. when we use condoms talk. Oral, not usually. Anal and Vaginal.. um yeah! Hopefully every time. Who are you fluid bonded with and what’s the procedure for new bonds? (This means not using condoms and basically sharing body fluids with). How about for new partners? Some people even exchange papers about their test results.

Then there is the extras. BDSM? Much more conversation. Latex allergies? Boundaries? Overnights allowed or just late nights? What about weekenders? And more more more. So much “fun” conversation.

The part that really cracks me up, is afterwards.. there is this kind of awkward silence. What the hell do we talk about now? I need to come up with some kind of connecting topic to bring stuff back to the sexy talk after that. It’s hard to just kind of launch back in. Hilarious. Hmm.. so you are disease free or I’m okay with your diseases. I am disease free too or you are okay with my diseases. Um.. and we wanted to get down. So.. how about them Cleveland Browns. LOL