Saturday, April 18, 2015

Optional rule for D&Dish RPGs: If when rolling 3d6 for the Charisma stat one rolls any three matching numbers on the dice (1-1-1, 2-2-2, etc.), the player must make a saving throw or their character is a JACKASS and must roll on the table below. Of course, a JACKASS with an exceptional Charisma score represents a monumental threat to both the adventuring party and the campaign world they share, and should only be run by a very responsible and cooperative player. A JACKASS may be of any class or alignment.

Note: Unless my math is faulty (always a strong chance), this provision will produce the chance of a JACKASS only 1 in 36 times, which, as we all know, grossly under-represents the real-world ratio of JACKASS to non-JACKASS.

d12
1. Rigid, seemingly arbitrary, occasionally bizarre personal code of conduct cited, chapter and verse, at every opportunity, especially where party's course of action may be affected
2. Goes on at great length about every ache, pain, lingering symptoms of STDs, quality and frequency of bodily functions, reportage pauses for important party business, resumes at every lull
3. Concocts delightful, gently disrespectful nicknames for everyone, persists well beyond period where this might be mildly amusing, comes up with fresh ones, even more insulting, if ordered to desist
4. Whether in the saloon, general store, magic shop, armor showroom, etc., always the first to offer to pick up the tab but, whoops, seems to have left gold pieces in other pantaloons (once again)
5. Considers self master of elocution, never passes up opportunity to lampoon less graceful speech of others, will immediately, thoughtlessly perform imitation of anyone met with unusual regional accent, foreign language, right to their face, somehow believes this endearing, finds self hilarious
7. Always belching and farting, finds self hilarious
8. Strident belief in equality, everyone equally inferior to self, subject certain no one can detect true feelings
9. Seems perfectly charming at first but before long everyone (except subject) realizes s/he doesn't give the tiniest crap about anyone else
10. All empathy reserved for personal use only, can't help laughing, taking inappropriate pleasure when others fall down, get injured in embarrassing ways, suffer humiliations, etc.
11. Gives appearance of pleasant affability until party secures sizable treasure, instantly transforms to irrational greed-hound incapable of understanding why s/he should't be entitled to choices items, lion's share
12. "Just being honest", never fails to announce newly discovered foibles of those around, tells it like it is with shocking lack of sensitivity, values own ideas highly, those of others, not so much, unless undeniably good, in which case they are swiftly, not-so-subtly appropriated

Saturday, April 11, 2015

The Executioner of Nul, The Mindless One, following
hostile takeover of cult by Kwanju, an ambitious young
Underworld godling on the rise.

d12
1. Witnesses for the Mindless One demonstrate the serenity of mindlessness in their somber processions, pause to perform complimentary Rite of Lobotomization upon request
2. Flagellants of the Worm Sultan roam at random, armed w/weird ritual punitive flogging devices, deliver brutal beatings to any infidels they meet, enchanted hand-held searchlight-like device reveals religious affiliation of any in its crimson beam
3. Devotees of the Slime Lords, caked in layers of semi-translucent goo in various stages of drying, implore strangers to bathe in levitating hot tub filled to brim w/Divine Mucus to receive subcutaneous revelations, permanently softens human skin, only continuous reapplication prevents lethal slough
4. Wandering monks of the Beggar God, looking well-fed, clothed, healthier than one might imagine, demand alms, extremely persistent until offered something of value, no matter how modest, which they deliver ASAP to deity's legendary Sacred Hoard
5. Listless acolytes of the Goddess of Malaise may only take action on single day each week, rest of the time they wallow in lethargic condition of holy indolence
6. Levitating monks of Oblivion on tour of sacred holes, pits, chasms, abysses, emit deafening Mantra of Spontaneous Meditation if opposed, induces involuntary state of total relaxation, possible dangerous self-reflection
7. Worshipers of the Feral God eschew technological progress, set out on monkeywrenching campaigns, destroy all but the simplest tools, machines, destabilize bridges, undermine structures, kill dwarfs on sight
8. Forlorn cultists of the Extinct Beetle Pantheon on gloomy ghost-led tour of ancient ruined sites, obsessed with nostalgia for a time they never knew
9. Celebrants of the Rites of Mayhem run amok, venerate chaos deity w/random acts of senselessness, violence, vandalism, set to receive eternal reward if killed while promulgating confusion, terror
10. Tedious positivity spews forth ceaselessly from adherents of the Church of Gleeful Hopelessness, clerics laugh off reality of incomprehensible universe w/variety of delight-inducing enchantments, made available for purchase as part of ministry
11. Robber God's greed-enhanced thief-priests may not accept donations, instead case establishments for future B&E, plan & execute daring, complex heists, steal and hold for ransom towering jewel-encrusted statuary dedicated to rival deities
12. Idiotic humanoids bamboozled by lich in convincing god-drag believe their master best served by killing things and taking stuff, rival clan of idiotic humanoids declared heretics for failure to correctly interpret lich's mad screeds stand by to ambush, loot, and destroy original group

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

d12
1. Retrieve the heads of three wicked monarchs after first winning their favor
2. Deliver food, mail, to the Chained Demon Indestructible incarcerated somewhere at the bottom of thought-pacified local dungeon as per unholy pact made by foolish ancestors
3. Reverse climate change on shoestring budget by kidnapping high level wizards necessary as physical components for curative incantation, gas bombs provided
4. Establish relations w/planet-size outer being, present huge golden idol, void-proof viking longship to be launched to distant Gray Galaxy via enchanted trebuchet
5. Carefully collect all huge, strangely attractive eggs of unknown origin that materialized overnight in every grain field, orchard, garden in and around Imperial Capitol City, defeat any who attempt to keep one for themselves
6. Return giant book to proper shelf in trans-cosmic library via handheld dimensional portal device, avoid all contact with The Librarian, in fact, don't even look at it
7. March beyond the edge of the campaign map, report back with findings, captives, samples of goods/resources, prospects for colonization, alternately, determine precise nature of the World's End
8. There is only one way to save the far-flung Allied Islands in this time of imminent calamity: the mega-megalodon must be tamed/used as troop transport
9. Disguise selves as demons, plant bomb at base of recently discovered Stairway to Hell, must pass through the Demi-Hell Casino half way down
10. Proceed through ocean-bottom whirlpool, return with news from the other side of the world
11. Plug the troublesome hole in reality with heap of gold from specific ancient hoard melted into cork-shape, dragon fire required
12. Sorcerer-cabal announces sudden cosmological breakthrough, reveals structural weakness in planar schema: travel to Hell's ninth level, use relic to detach cosmic moorings, set adrift in void away from more popular planes of existence