Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Steal Twenties From Your Dad's Billfold Day!

If your Dad loves you, it's really easy to get away with stealing twenties from his billfold. (Note: If your Dad doesn't love you, don't steal from his billfold unless you know you can get away with it because if he finds out he'll beat you until you're blind in one eye.)

When you get caught stealing twenties out of your Dad's billfold, he'll sit you down the way he did when he thought you might be having sex with girls. He'll look at you with his forehead tilted down and he'll say, 'Is there something you want to tell me?'

Just say no. He doesn't expect you to answer honestly.

He'll next tell you that he's missing some money and he'll ask if you know anything about that. Just look down at the ground. Your Dad will start talking about how he's sorry he's been away a lot and he can understand if you feel like it's been hard to get his attention. He'll tell you that he wants you to know that he's sorry that he hasn't been as accessible as he should be.

NOTE: If your Mom is dead, here's where you should interject and say, 'You don't think Mommy saw me take the money do you?' Say that and you'll be so golden he'll probably give you his ATM pin.

If your Mom's still alive, just let your Dad keep talking for a little while about how his Dad was to him and how he never wanted to be like that to you. When you can't take it anymore, jump up and shout, 'What do you care if you lose some money?! You'll just go out and make some more. That's all you do is make money!' Then run to your room while he goes out and buys you a bike.

ONCE MORE BEFORE SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENS: If you're going to steal from your Dad's billfold, please be sure that he loves you first. If he doesn't, he'll drag you out to the car and use the cigarette lighter on your arm. You saw him do it to your big brother Joe. If your Dad doesn't love you and you steal from him anyway, this blog waives all responsibility for him doing to you what you saw him do to your big brother Joe.