Review

I can’t seem to be anything other than what I am at any given moment, and today I was heavy and low, blank and slow.

I had zopiclone the night before last and still pinged awake after less than three hours, ready for anything. I had it last night, slept right through, went back to sleep this morning, dozed off again this afternoon and still feel groggy and sedated. Go figure.

I had a review. And I failed. Failed to present as articulate and well, which I’m aware I was doing yesterday with my OT. Failed to raise the issue of diagnosis. Failed to argue my case for release. I just shut down and stared into space and gave the briefest of possible answers. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT!

The consultant is increasing my depakote back up to the dose I was on before I landed myself in hospital (it had to be reintroduced because I didn’t have any for five days while I was in the medical ward). And I have unescorted grounds leave.

That’s it. What a waste of anxiety! Either she’s not reading my notes or she’s waiting for me to say something. And since I’m currently thoroughly mired in denial and depression it’s just not something I seem able to do.

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2 thoughts on “Review”

Do you think the Depakote is helping? Because- well it’s not an antixpsychotic, (THOSE are really not good for DID folks- they tend to shut down internal communication) sometimes- the heavy old mood stabilizers- aren’t great either.

Can you have an advocate or your case worker or someone with you when you do a review again? It seems really important that your consultant KNOW about your dissociative issues- can you have someone else talk to her? Can you have you/s write her a letter and make sure it gets to her even if you have to say, give it to someone else to make SURE you don’t (someone doesn’t) change their mind?

I have no idea whether the depakote is helping or hindering – I’ve been on and off and different psych meds for so long now that I can’t tell what’s going on, and don’t know at all what I’d be like without them. I’m on an antipsychotic too, and an antidepressant, which I know isn’t ideal in my situation.

My CPN is pregnant so can’t come into my reviews at the moment (she’s not allowed on the ward) but I’m going to speak to my keyworker again next time she’s in about the situation. You’re right, I/someone should try writing a letter to the consultant – though tbh I have a suspicion she’s just not open to the concept of DID, which is why she’s suggesting more meds. In which case the best thing I can do is get out of here as soon as possible. I’ll have a clearer idea of what she’s thinking when I get the reports for my tribunal next week.