A Lazy Domme's Guide

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Ruined orgasms are another one of those ironic and self contradicting kinks. People with this fetish enjoy not-enjoying their orgasm. Usually what it is they are enjoying is your control and dominance over their "ultimate" form of pleasure. This can also be one of those fantasies that people only want to experience once, and then have the threat of future ruined orgasms give you leverage during play or punishment. The fact that you can and are willing to do something so cruel is often a powerful turn on and motivator for your sub. There are however, some who like the idea so much that they actually have stronger orgasms when they think you're "ruining" their orgasm. I'll go over both; how to more completely ruin an orgasm, and how to make ruined orgasms more enjoyable.

The most completely ruined orgasm is one where, as soon the sub reaches the point of no return, he receives no further stimulation. You completely withdraw your hands from him, and leave him with nothing but air. But this can be trickier than it sounds. Having your sub tell you when he's just hit the point of no return not only feels like cheating, but it gives your sub the power to control how ruined his orgasm is by letting you go a little longer before he tells you he's there. The best approach is just to have your sub tell you when he's getting close to going over the edge. Test him by stopping right when he says he's close. If comes at this point then it's possible he was trying to get a less ruined orgasm from you. Punish as you see fit. Then try going just a few more strokes after he announces he's getting close. It might take a couple tries to figure out roughly how much more stimulation he can take when he's close. I suggest going only a stroke or two longer each time as to get the most fully ruined orgasm. I also suggest randomly stopping immediately after he says he's getting close just to keep him honest. This is a variance on the orgasm control game I wrote about last month. To judge how ruined an orgasm was, the best approach is to compare how much the sub came compared to normal. If there's a lot of cum, then he's either secretly enjoying it, or you've gone on too long after he's reached the point of no return. Subs with a strong fetish for ruined orgasms often enjoy them more than they would a simple vanilla orgasm.

If you look around for methods of ruining orgasm you'll find a lot of techniques other than the simple hands off approach I described above. When first learning about ruined orgasms I was put off by the multitude of options. In the name of science I set out to try as many different approaches as I could find, but almost immediately I realized that these variants don't ruin an orgasm more, they just make it more "fun" for you or your sub. In the same way some people like being "punished" with things they enjoy, some people like having their orgasms "ruined" in a way they enjoy. These people want to think they're giving up great pleasure to please you, but they secretly want enjoyment from it as well. Realizing this makes ruining orgasms much less complicated, if you're out to be cruel or completely dominating, this is the ideal approach. If you're out for fun for you or your sub, try out some alternative approaches. While I still suggest you start by getting your sub to that point of no return, if you're just doing it for fun you can always just wait till you see him start to come before you do anything. There's also an off chance one of these variants will ruin an orgasm more than the hands off approach, but in general they make the experience more enjoyable. The best way to find out is to experiment.

The most common variant to a ruined orgasm is to restrict the flow of cum. The most common way to do this is when your toy hits that point of no return, you squeeze his cock either at the very base, or just under the head. While not necessary, if done tightly enough, little to no cum will come out. Another approach, sometimes called thumbing the orgasm, is to put your thumb over the top of his cock head as you would to control the flow of water from a garden hose. This can also be done with a finger or even tape. Less cum is often associated with less enjoyable orgasms, so this gives the appearance of a completely ruined orgasm. The discomfort from the semen backing up has the potential to make the orgasm less fun for your sub. If you are worried about this you can let more of the cum escape. But usually the fact you are touching him more than offsets any discomfort.

Physical pain can be added to a ruined orgasm. If you are rough enough it could take some of the pleasure out of the orgasm, but once a sub has hit that point of no return, his pain threshold goes way up. For most subs this will cause a much better orgasm than the hands off approach, and for those who like pain or CBT, they may even have amazing orgasms. The most common method for mixing in pain is flicking the head of the cock or slapping the cock itself. Balls are an option too; slap them hard and/or squeeze them tightly as he comes. Another "painful" method is palming. This is often done with post orgasm torture, but with subs who are sensitive enough, this can be painful before orgasm as well. Palming is just using your palm on the head of a well lubricated cock. For most, this will simply make it more pleasurable. I suggest you try palming your sub before it gets to this point to see how he reacts in a normal situation. While it varies from person to person, pain will often improve the orgasm for the sub.

There are a couple off the wall approaches that don't fit into the above categories but are based on distraction. One is to have ice ready and ice his cock and balls once he hits that point of no return. I've heard it will numb away some of the pleasure, but there doesn't seem to be enough time to numb anything. In the end it's just a distraction through temperature shock. There's seems to be a bunch of approaches which are designed to surprise the sub like this. These include, at the point of orgasm, playing a loud sudden noise, shining a bright light in their eyes, and pouring lemon juice into their mouth. I've heard suggested choking or covering the sub's mouth and nose. The idea is to scare them into a more fully ruined orgasm, but depending on how scared the sub actually is by this, it might not even be an ethical approach. I've actually seen tops trying to one up each other with the surprise they've induced in their subs. Another form of distraction is repulsion. This includes things such as putting stinky socks on their face (assuming they don't like that), playing gay porn (assuming they aren't gay), or showing them pictures of their family members. In the end, distractions tend to loose their effectiveness quickly, and you have to keep coming up with new distractions. Still, unlike the previous mentioned methods, distractions stand a good chance of actually ruining an orgasm more completely, if that's your goal. If not, you can always choose "distractions" your sub will like.

Which brings me to the mental aspects of a ruined orgasm. If a sub has a ruined orgasm fetish, then the ruined orgasm will be better if the sub is told about it ahead of time and visa versa. The anticipation will make play beforehand more or less enjoyable depending on the sub's interests. Tying up a sub so he can't "finish" a ruined orgasm also adds to the orgasm, especially if you make it clear it's so he can't do anything about his upcoming ruined orgasm. This works even if the sub is well behaved and wouldn't do such a thing anyway because it makes the already dominant act feel out of their control and more absolute. Another trick is to get the sub to try and hold back the orgasm himself. This gives a more completely ruined orgasm and can take the fun out of ruined orgasms even for those who have a strong fetish for it. If your goal is a more completely ruined orgasm, you can tell your sub not to come or otherwise try and motivate him to try and hold back. This just feels mean to me, and since only well behaved subs will actually try to hold back when instructed, it rewards misbehavior. And that's something you should try to avoid. But if you're using it as a punishment or just really want to take any possible fun out of it, this will sometimes do that for you. Finally, ruined orgasms can potentially leave your pet feeling unsatisfied or horny. Sometimes the sub will be unable to do anything about it, while other times the sub will be able to have another orgasm right away. Several ruined orgasms in a row can be quite fun and frustrating at the same time. It depends on the sub and the orgasm, but is something to keep in mind and watch for.

Any top who has "lost" or otherwise had a ruined orgasm is probably confused by this fetish. To better understand a sub who is interested in ruined orgasms, see if it's the controlling aspect of a ruined orgasm your sub likes, or if he likes the idea of being disappointed and wants you to use the threat as leverage or punishment. And it can be both. If your sub isn't interested in ruined orgasms but you are, then using it as a threat or punishment is probably the best option. While different approaches fit different subs better, it's important to pick something that sounds fun or interesting to you. There's no need to go through extra work you don't enjoy or pass up something you might. There's also no reason to limit yourself to one particular technique, feel free to mix and match. Don't let it be a chore for you.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Through conditioning and training some women claim they can orgasm on command. This to me seems entirely impossible. I'm not going to outright call anyone who claims this a liar, but if it's true that's a pretty big evolutionary misstep. I think if it were possible there'd also be men who could, just out of the blue, ejaculate on command. And there'd be videos of it.

That's not to say we have entirely no conscious control over our orgasms. One trick some tops like to teach their subs is the countdown trick. You count from 10 down to 0, and when you hit 0 your sub comes. It almost sounds like a simple trick, but perfecting it takes some work. Nonetheless, it's a fun trick, and useful in many situations. It's also not magic; your pet is being fully stimulated during the countdown. What this gives you is an easy way to stop before your sub comes, but only after bring him to the very, very edge in the process.

I'll explain how to go about training your pet to do this neat trick. Keep in mind some guys just can't do this. I don't know if it's a mental block, something physical, lack of will power, or just some random genetic trait. Nonetheless, it seems most men can learn this, especially the easier versions of it. Don't feel bad if you just can't get it down, but don't be too quick to give up either. It can take a lot of practice.

First, for this trick to work, your sub needs to be sufficiently aroused. I suggest edging for a little bit before attempting the trick. Like I said before, there's no magic involved here. This is simply a form of control your pet can learn. While part of this is speeding up the path to orgasm, the majority of it is holding back. If your pet can't tell when he gets close to the edge, and often goes over on accident, then, likely, this trick isn't for him.

Also, when counting down, always go at a steady pace. You could watch the ticking of a clock to steady your countdown, but you should be fine keeping a constant speed in your mind. If you are varying the time between numbers too much, it will be difficult for your sub to learn this form of control. Don't play games with the speed of your countdown. Also, if it seems that 10 seconds is too long or too short for your sub, then try adjusting the length of the count down.

There are three stages to teaching your pet this trick. Since orgasms are required for this trick, you will have to teach your sub this over a period of time. Upon reaching the first stage, your sub will masturbate and when you hit 0, he will orgasm. To be more specific, cum will physically come out of his cock when you hit 0. Some people skip this stage, but I find it makes things a lot easier on both you and your sub. And if your pet can't pull this off, then you know the other two stages are likely unreachable.

To train your sub to do the first stage of this trick, after edging for a bit, simply have your sub masturbate as you count down. Start at 10 and work your way to 0. You sub is allowed to call you off at any point in the countdown, but is not allowed to stop masturbating or even slow down unless he has done so. You sub can call off your countdown either because he is too close already, or because he knows he won't be able to come at 0. Simply wait 10 to 30 seconds and start again. Internally he'll have to learn how much time he needs for hitting the point of no return and actual ejaculate spewing out of his dick. This tends to be about 2 seconds but varies from person to person. Once your pet feels he has this stage of the trick down, do a simple test. Tease him or have him tease himself until he thinks he's ready, then begin your countdown to 0 and don't allow him to stop masturbating or interrupt your countdown. You can visually see when your sub is able to perform stage one of the trick.

In the second stage of the trick you are the one stimulating your sub during the countdown. For you, this will be very similar to the first stage, but for your pet it will be a lot more difficult. Despite not being allowed to slow down, your pet has probably be varying the speed at which he has been masturbating, or varying the pressure or grip to achieve the same effect. Again, allow your sub to call off your countdown at any point. As with the previous stage, the same simple test can be used to confirm your pet has learned this stage of the trick.

To learn the third and final stage of the trick, your sub will have to make some sacrifices to his orgasm satisfaction. This time, when you hit 0 on your countdown, your sub will be hitting the point of no return. This isn't any easier than the previous two steps because your sub has probably learned how to adjust the time between reaching the point of no return, and the point of cum erupting from his cock. So this is more than just unlearning the extra second or two for ejaculation. This requires even more control and is the least enjoyable stage for your pet to learn. When he's done it properly, he has a completely ruined orgasm.

This trick is harder to verify because your pet could hit the point of no return at 1, and even after stimulation stops at 0, come as if 0 were the point of no return. Once your pet thinks he has mastered the trick, you have to perform a test which is essentially a teasing and denial session that ends in a ruined orgasm. Again, once your pet thinks he is ready, you begin counting down to 0, but you don't go all the way. When you get to 2, you stop. Tell him to let you know when it's OK to start again. This cool down time is also something he will have to learn, but don't let him go too long (more than 30 seconds) unless has failed this test a couple times due to not being ready. You need to repeat this at least 3 or 4 times stopping near the end of your countdown, but not at 0. It's important that you stop at 1 at least once, but multiple times is probably better. This makes sure he's not hitting the point of no return too early. I suggest stopping at 4, 3, 2, and 1, but not necessarily in that order.

Your sub may be failing the tests at this last stage of training to receive a more full orgasm. Even if you don't think he would do that, he may be doing it on a subconscious level. I hate to sound heartless, but if you feel your sub's cock contracting or you otherwise think he may have hit the point of no return before you counted down to 0, stop stimulation immediately. This will either result in a false alarm, which means you can then continue the test; you're suppose to stop at random points along the way anyway. Or it will result in a ruined orgasm for your sub. Ruined orgasms aren't very fun but it's a sacrifice your pet will have to make to learn this trick and prove to you he is able to perform it.

Once your pet has this down you can use this trick to better tease your pet. You can be certain he is at the very edge when you are edging him. This lets you know for certain your pet is really being brought to the edge. You will have to ruin an orgasm now and again to make sure he's staying honest about 0 being the point of no return, but the majority of the time you use this trick you can simply keep going after hitting 0. I suggest that the penalty for not being honest about 0 is a ruined orgasm (as not to encourage this as a way to avoid a ruined orgasm), followed by a reasonable amount of time with no orgasm at all.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Sometimes it seems a sub doesn't enjoy something he clearly said he wanted or likes. Maybe he will put up a struggle, or otherwise resist the act. This can frustrate some tops. At first it doesn't make any sense, and can be extremely frustrating. It can feel like rejection, even if he later expresses more interest in what he didn't seem to like at all. You might second guess yourself; maybe it's you or the way you're doing something? Fortunately, as ironic as it sounds, most of the time, what he is actually enjoying about it, is the fact he's not enjoying it! This is pretty typical for submissives, although some more than others, and as such, can be confusing to tops who haven't dealt with it before.

First of all, since I just covered safewords, I want to say that this is really the easiest solution to proving your sub is happy despite any resistance. Set one up! Then if your sub is literally unhappy with what you're doing, he can let you know. If he doesn't use the safeword, then it's ok! The type of subs who gets off on disliking things, are often the same type of subs who dislike having safewords. If your sub is of this variety, or you're just worried he'd be afraid of disappointing you, set up a green safeword for just your use. If you are ever unsure if he wants you to stop, ask him "green?" This might spoil a little bit of the fun the first time you do this, but then you will be certain he's enjoying it and there's no need to ask again in the future. And since only you are allowed to green, it won't feel like you've given him more power. You can't always depend on an erection giving away your sub's secret enjoyment of the seemingly unenjoyable.

But still, why does he resist if he likes it? Well, sometimes resistance is due to repulsion. There was one sub I played with who had a love-hate relationship with wet willies. He wanted me to spit onto my finger and work it into his ear. He would squirm every which way, make the most grossed out faces, and did his best to get away from me. Nonetheless, this would get him rock hard every time, and an erection is a fail-safe indicator. Other times the resistance is due to the taboo nature of something. You'll see this more frequently with anal play. For example, your sub might have said that he loves anal play, but even touching his anus makes him freak out. However, when the subject is brought up, he still seems interested. How could this be? Well, in both cases what he's likely getting off on is the idea that you are forcing him to do or endure things that he finds nasty and gross. Part of it could even be that these things clearly bother him, but you persist. If you could train your sub to not be bothered by these acts, then the acts would most likely lose their excitement.

Other times subs will resist in order to test or even "ask" for bondage. Many submissive deeply enjoy knowing they have no control. They want to be powerless, hopeless, and entirely at your will. If they are bound, then their resistance can be to test that bondage. Straining against bondage can also make them feel more helpless. If the sub isn't bound then this can also be his way of telling you he wants bondage. Even if he doesn't want bondage, it will intensify things for him. I'm a big fan of bondage and suggest you set up an easy system for securing your sub in place. Most importantly, get a system down that is easy for you. A four poster bed makes this extremely simple, but you can also attach things to the feet of the bed if need be. Having a quick and easy way to bind your sub spread eagle, and I want to put emphasis on quick and easy, makes bondage a lot more fun for you. Some tops dislike bondage because it can be so much work. Having something in mind that you can fall back on for quick bondage greatly increase the fun for both you and your sub. A sub finding himself quickly bound is just as happy, sometimes more so, than going through a slow tedious bondage workup. Now maybe not all tops enjoy a bound sub, but if you haven't played around with it much, give it a try. I think you'll find it makes things more fun for you as well, especially if you can work out a quick and easy method to do so.

Then there's the last reason to resist without saying why. The sub really doesn't want what you're doing. This is most often due to an acts implications. Perhaps you're trying to suck on his finger, but to him this is too close to a blowjob, and not fitting for you. Keep in mind subs like to put you on a pedestal, and why would such a woman as you need to do such things? As a quick side note here, maybe, as an extreme example, the sub had picked his nose or ass, and now you're trying to seduce him by sucking on his fingers. Some subs just want to be clean for you, remember the pedestal thing. While it makes things less spontaneous, you can set a 2 or 3 minute timer to let your sub clean up. Sometimes it's discomfort with what you're trying to do. Perhaps your sub even mentioned interest in such an activity at one point, but just isn't interested in it now. In this case following through anyway is fine, and can even be more fun. Also, it's worth mentioning that the hornier the sub is, the more he or she is up for.

To sum things up, there's really very little to worry about when it comes to a resistant sub. His resistance probably even turns himself on. If it gets in the way of your fun, an easy solution is to mix a little bondage into the situation. He may even be trying to ask for bondage. If you do decide to talk to him about it, never try it without throwing out your safeword or doing it when it's super obvious you aren't playing. If you have to sit him down to talk to him about it, expect it to ruin the mood. Don't worry, it's ok. Next time you'll know what's really going on and things will be better.

Friday, June 15, 2012

I'm surprised by the increasing controversy over the idea of a safeword, also sometimes written as "safe word". A safeword is code word or phrase that lets you communicate something out of character during a scene. Since many submissives actually enjoy resisting, crying out in pain, saying "no" or "stop", complaining, or begging, this allows for them to do so freely. And, as a top, you don't have to decipher mixed messages. It's an unambiguous way for your sub to tell you something. Peoples' preferences range from using safewords to top from the bottom, to thinking safewords ruin the whole experience. I'll try to cover the range in this post, and end with a bit of advice on dealing with safe words.

There are actually many different uses for safewords. For people inexperienced with a type of play, new to a partner, or who prefer the bottom to stay in control, three safewords are usually used. Most often in this case, they are the colors of a stoplight: green, yellow, and red. This choice prevents the mix up in the meaning and severity of the safewords. For those new, or with a new partner, these words are also easy to remember. Green means ok, harder, or more. Yellow means slow down, or stop doing that. And red means stop the scene, something is wrong, or we need to talk. Some may wish to forgo green, but it's actually very helpful when experimenting with a new type of play, or testing the pain tolerance of someone new to you. Sometimes to prevent the green safeword from giving the bottom too much power, it's only allowed when the top asks instead. Green?

Nonetheless, sometimes two safewords are used. This set up allows the bottom to signal the top to stop or move on, without interrupting the scene. Which in turn allows the top keep intensifying things without stressing about going too far. And there's still the red when you want to stop the scene to discuss something. This tends to be more common among subs who like to top from the bottom, and is generally frowned on by more serious players. I understand that the idea of two safewords can be appealing to some who don't truly feel dominant, but for many subs this gives away too much control. Pushing someone to their limits and having them call out yellow, isn't as good or as much fun as pushing them just slightly beyond their limits. Pushing limits is a great way to bond and grow together as a couple, and this tends not to happen when the sub can stop you. For those who aren't truly dominant, this is something easily overlooked. And for those of us who do enjoy being in control, a yellow safeword can really spoil this part of the fun. That said, a good way to learn a new sub's physical limits is to work him until you get that yellow.

In most relationships there is just one safeword. While red is often used by professionals or people with many partners, for individual couples the word is often unique, and frequently even meaningful. A good safeword is something that doesn't usually come up in a normal conversations or during play. This way you don't accidentally stumble across the word, it's more easily recognized, and stands out when spoken alone. When there is just one safeword, it's used to let your partner know (top or bottom) that the scene is to stop immediately, and that a frank conversation will follow. It's often assumed play will resume after things are worked out, as not to discourage the safeword's use. It's also a good idea to remind your partner of the safeword before playing or when your playing starts to get interesting. If you go long enough without needing the safeword, you or your partner could forget it. If they seem to dislike being reminded of the safeword, perhaps you need to talk about it again. It may be time to go from 3/2/1 safewords to fewer.

As a top, I generally dislike the idea of a green safeword, but am comfortable using it in the form of a question with new subs. I also dislike yellow and insist we drop it when we drop green. This often leads sub's to believe that I equally dislike the use of a red safeword. However, like most tops, having a red safeword make me more comfortable when playing. I hate breaking my toys, so this takes the stress out things and makes it easier for me to enjoy myself and get lost in the play. Some subs however feel exactly the opposite, and have trouble getting lost in subspace when they have a safeword they can use if they decide things become too uncomfortable. Just a side note, but I've noticed these also tend to be the people who prefer secure bondage opposed to bondage one could possibly get out of.

In this case, and what I like to eventually graduate to with any sub, is what I call a saferword (or safer word). This is a single safeword which is only to be used when there is a serious - i.e. medical - emergency. For example, when he or she can't breath, something is wrong physically, or when continued play could result in real physical damage. The saferword will result in the end of the scene. Play will not be picked back up afterwards, which is the opposite of what it usually emphasized when encouraging a safeword's use. For your sub, this is virtually identical to having no safe word, but still allows you to have fun without stressing over damaged goods.

If you're only playing the dominant role, or still prefer to give your sub some control without ruining the fun, oftentimes you can train your sub to give you such hints without them realizing it. To get green hints from them, when starting different say something along the lines of, "let's see what kind of reaction I can get out of you with this." As they react more to something you can say things like, "Oh, I like squirming / whimpering / moaning / whatever." This won't work instantly, but after playing a couple times you'll notice that although your sub starts off quiet, he or she will build up to some nicer reactions as you intensify your play. Once this is working well for you, you can stop with the "let's see" heads up type comments. Getting a yellow from this is as simple as seeing them react less despite no decrease in intensity on your end. You can also feel out a yellow by switching to something new for a minute, but returning to what you were doing. If they reacted very well to the new thing compared to the previous, then they are likely more interested in that. Likewise, if they react strongly to you coming back to the previous form of play, then they aren't ready to move on yet. Of course some subs can go on forever, so feel free to move on eventually; you really shouldn't do something till your sub is bored of it. Overall, this ends up being somewhat similar to how some tops play even when focused on their own enjoyment.

I agree that with some forms of play, there's really very little risk, and no safeword is needed. However, if steps are ever taken, and more serious play is eventually worked into your fun, your sub may find themselves in too deep at some point and actually be traumatized or seriously hurt due to a lack of a safeword. I see no harm in taking a little time to pick a fun, meaningful, yet unique safeword with your partner. If you or your partner really hate the idea of a safeword, use it as I had suggested, as a saferword; only for emergencies. A safeword can come in handy when you least expect it.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Cock and ball bondage is often associated with cock and ball torture, but it's actually useful outside of CBT play. Simply put, it makes everything more sensitive. Quite a few tops will start most any session with a little cock and ball bondage. I like to do so myself; I'm particularly fond of ball bondage. It might be a little bit of work at first, but if you do it frequently it gets much easier, to the point where you can have a nicely tied up package in less than 30 seconds if you so desire. Also, as you gain confidence, you can have fun binding your pet's cock and balls in different ways or with different materials.

First of all, having a sub with shaved pubic hair always helps. Not only can you see what you're doing, but your pet's hair won't get stuck in your rope work. There's no good excuse for your sub not to shave or at least trim his pubic hair. If he doesn't agree, and you can't persuade him, you can always catch a few hairs on purpose and he will quickly change his mind. Smaller ropes can cut further into your sub, but are generally easier to tie than thicker ropes up to a point. A shoe lace is as small as I would recommend for safety, and is also great for beginners because of how easily you can tie them. You can usually find them at a dollar store, but using shoe laces from an old pair of shoes usually works just as well; your pet may actually find this more exciting if he has a foot fetish. If you want to play with a rougher material, or just like the appearance of larger ropes, you can find them at most any home improvement store. I suggest staying at or under a quarter inch rope to make sure you can still easily tie it. However, if you really want to go large, then go for it. The effect is always about the same, so the most important part is having fun. If a thicker rope looks like more fun, then go for it. And there's no need to limit yourself to rope. Rubber bands and other elastic ties such as hair ties work well as they give enough to allow some blood through even when doubled or tripled over. There's no limit to what you can use as long as you're having fun. If it turns out it's just not any fun for you, then the next most important thing would be doing it quickly.

You can bind either the cock, the balls, or both the cock and balls at once. The easiest thing to do is to bind the cock and balls together. You can just circle around everything and tie them up with a nice bow just like you would for your shoes. I prefer to bind the balls separately from the cock. Tugging on the balls is so much more fun and effective when it doesn't pull the cock along with them. I do this for some ball pulling fun during sex. However binding just the balls can be tricky as they are quick to slip away. It's even more tricky if you want to bind each one separately. If you want to accomplish this and are new to such play, or just prefer an easier approach, I suggest you start with one tight binding around both the cock and balls, and then work on securing just the balls. It's easier to tie them up when they can't easily get away. Once that's done you can undo the first binding around the cock and balls, and retie the cock separately if desired. Don't worry about not getting it right the first or second time, or the tenth time. As you work with the rope, binding the cock and balls, you are also providing your pet with some stimulation, he will most likely enjoy you experimenting and playing around with bondage. It's less stressful for you and your sub if you think of it as "playing around" when you're having trouble getting something to work.

Binding the cock causes blood to flow out of the cock slower, without hindering the incoming blood by as much, thus making it harder, fuller, and more erect. And needless to say, this is more fun for everyone. Skin that must be more flexible and elastic will often feel softer, but be less sensitive when bunched up. The cock is one such area that must be elastic, and thus, a fuller cock will feel more of your touch. As the skin is stretched out not only are more nerve endings reachable, but there is more area to be touched. There's also a quite noticeable mental effect on a sub when his cock is so fully engorged. It's more than just a subconscious boost in how horny he is, although I'm sure that's part of it. There's something palpable about the pet's desperation, his cravings. Something I can only describe as carnal.

Binding the balls not only traps the balls, but stretches the ball sack (scrotum). The scrotum can contract when cold, during exertion, and even when sexually excited; all of which can occur while playing with your sub. This contraction thickens up the skin and causes little wrinkles which in turn hide many nerve endings. (Technically, this is caused by the dartos fascia.) When you tie up a sub's balls you are also making the scrotum loosen up and expose all of those hidden nerve endings. A stretched scrotum can even be so sensitive as to be ticklish for some men. If you intend to try this, you may get better results with a less horny sub. Blindfolds tend to increase ticklishness as well. Perhaps make an experiment out of it, try it out before and after orgasm.

Normally, if you were to slap your sub's balls, the impact would cause them to move, maybe even swing away. Most of the energy is converted into motion and then slowly absorbed (relatively speaking) by soft tissues on the side opposite your impact. However, when balls are tied up, they have no where to go upon impact. They are trapped against the bindings themselves. While you're still likely see some movement, the balls feel most of the energy from the impact. The end result being that bound balls are more sensitive. Likewise, balls bound separately will be more sensitive than those bound together, although not by as much. Now this loss of energy happens even with normal fondling of the balls; you don't need a high speed impact for this reaction to occur. As such, bound balls are all around more sensitive, even when to comes just to your touch. It is slightly easier to damage them with an impact when tied, but ball binding is still often used with CBT because it takes less effort to cause an equal amount of pain. You can actually cause more pain with less chance of injury on a bound pair of balls. But if you start kicking or punching them like you could an unbound pair, you might injure them.

One thing everyone worries about is, how long can you go? As a general rule, just rebind your pet every 20 to 30 minutes or so to keep things circulating. You can safely stretch it to 45 minutes, but I try not to make it a habit since I can lose track of the time. Sometimes, and with certain people, you will notice a color change, but it's nothing to be worried about. Color changes or lack thereof do not indicate an urgency, or the lack of urgency. Color change is an acceptable side effect of increased blood pressure in an area. Some men's cocks will even change color just from an erection. What you should really be watching out for is a drop in temperature and swelling. If the area feels cold, then the blood flow that usually keeps the body warm has been hindered long enough for the area to lose it's warmth. This in itself isn't a problem, however the cold will usually coincide with numbness and a loss of sensation, which is the opposite of what we want. Sure, it might let him take more, but that's cheating! And anyway, why put more work into it then you have to? Don't let him go numb. The other thing I mentioned was swelling. Watch for the swelling of the soft tissue of the cock or the scrotum. This is called edema. You can check for it below and around a binding. The swelling doesn't mean some horrible damage has been done, and it should go down once circulation returns. But it does mean you should immediately get circulation back to the area to prevent damage, and it's probably a good idea to leave the area unbound for a bit. If this does happen, the next time you bind the area keep a close eye out, if you see any signs of swelling you haven't waited long enough.

There are several good reasons for cock and ball bondage even if you aren't interested in CBT. Obviously it will make things more enjoyable for your sub, but in all honesty, he probably has a lot of fun anyway. It can, however, also make things more fun for you. On top of that, it can make things easier as well. Sure it'll take some time for you to get comfortable with cock and ball bondage, but in the end it will take less effort to get your pet all worked up. Once bound you will find you get better results for the same amount of effort. A harder, more erect, and more sensitive sub will reach his tipping, or breaking point quicker. Which brings up another good reason, to simply speed things along. Binding your sub's cock and balls will make an otherwise less fulfilling orgasm more intense. I hate to sound lazy, but this is a good thing to learn if you want satisfy your pet more easily.

Friday, April 6, 2012

With predicament bondage the sub is not simply bound helpless, he is bound in such a way that he can only move between a limited number of, or range of positions. Thus presenting a predicament for the sub. These predicaments usually fall into one of two categories. Either, the sub must choose between two different types of pain, or must endure pain to get pleasure. The third but less common possibility is more interactive: while the top is "distracting" the sub, the sub must be actively doing something to avoid pain or to receive pleasure. I'll go over an example of each. After all, when it comes to kink, nothing quite beats learning by example.

But first, precautions!
Always bind a sub in such a way that no serious harm will come to him if he were to pass out, slip, get knocked over, lose his balance, or otherwise fall or collapse. Most standing bondage is done with the sub's arms tied to ceiling hooks, so if anything happens most of his body weight is held up by his arms, and not by anything else that might be tied up. For example, if a sub locked into a cock and ball pillory were to fall over for any reason, there's a good chance he would castrate himself. However, if he also had his arms tied to ceiling hooks with only a couple inches of leeway, he'd only give himself a really good stretching and would live to play another day. The other important thing is to never leave a bound sub alone. Aside from the rare random events such as a fire breaking out or a burglar breaking in, things can go wrong. Things you couldn't or didn't imagine. Things that need immediate attention. Perhaps when struggling your sub will get some rope trapped around his neck, maybe something will poke where it shouldn't. These precautions should be taken with any form of bondage, but are extra important when playing with predicament bondage, since there's a lot more room (and a lot more reason) for things to go wrong.

The cock and ball pillory I linked to above has an adjustable height, which makes for a good first example. Have your pet stand as tall as he can on tiptoe, adjust the pillory to pull up lightly on his balls at this height, and only lock his balls into the pillory. As his leg muscles grow tired, he will try to relax them a little, and begin pulling on his balls. As the pulling becomes too much he will go back to standing on his tiptoes. Thus alternating between straining to stand tall and pulling on his own balls. If he can stand pulling on his balls while being flat on his feet, then you should raise the height of the pillory so he's not able to rest like this. Also, as I mentioned earlier, make sure your sub won't rip his own balls off if he were to fall or collapse. Again this can be done by suspending his arms above him so that his weight will transfer to his arms if something were to happen. Aside from putting in ceiling hooks, another option would be to bind the sub's arms to the top of a sex swing frame, which by design can hold the weight of two people. Of course, all of this, while incredibly sexy to watch, can be expensive and a bit of trouble to set up.

For an easier example, start by tying or otherwise securing your sub to the bed, face down but with his head and shoulders over the edge of the bed. Make a noose and tighten it around his balls. I'd also suggest putting a butt plug with a flared, flat base into his ass. Bind his hands together behind his head. Run the lose end of the noose up and over the plug, and tie it to his bound hands. Tighten it while having him stretch his arms back as much as he can. As his arms tire, he will try to rest them, and in doing so, wiggle and push on the plug, and pull up on his balls. A sexier version of this is to skip the balls and plug entirely and use an anal hook. Insert the anal hook into your sub's ass and then using another piece of rope tie the hook to his bound hands. Now, as your sub's arms get tired and he has to rest them, he will fuck himself in the ass. Resting his arms will pull the hook in, and when holding his arms back the hook will slide back out. It's actually quite a site to behold. Most anal hooks have a ball on the end. This not only makes them stay in better, but they are safer as any pulling or tugging is distributed on a wider area. Personally I think double ball anal hooks, like this one or this one, are more fun.

Another common form of predicament bondage is where the sub willfully causes themselves pain to get pleasure. My favorite example for this type of predicament starts, as so many of these do, by noosing up your sub's balls. Attaching the other end to a fixed object, such as a door knob, and adjust the length so that the sub has to pull on his balls to penetrate you. You can slowly move away so he has to pull harder and harder on his balls. I've written about this in more detail here in my post about sex. If are in the no sex camp, and your sub really loves going down on you, you can do the same thing but have him pulling on his balls to eat you out. It's fun to see what a sub will endure for pleasure.

This kind of predicament is more commonly done with women using a vibrator. A common set up for this is to clip or tie the sub's nipples to something above her, and place the vibrator just below her. The sub has to pull on her nipples to reach the vibrator. Most males can come from vibrators too, but it often takes a stronger vibrator. Either way I recommend the Hitachi for this. If you are trying this with a male sub, and nipples don't sound fun, you can substitute his balls for nipples. As the sub gets more worked up, you can adjust things so he or she has to endure more to finish.

The last group of predicaments are more fun for me because the top is directly involved. I'll start with a more complex example. For this to work, you need to devise a pulley system. You can throw a rope over the top of a sex swing, or run it through a ceiling hook. The important part is that when you apply weight to one end of the rope, it pulls up on the other end. Next you'll need a dildo that has balls, or at least a flared base; this includes pretty much all strap on dildos. For this predicament, I find that a very realistic dildo is more fun, but like I said, any dildo with a flared base will work. Next, we need what's called a clip or clothespin zipper. This is just a series of clips or clothespins connected by a rope or string. (The name comes from the sound it makes when pulled off quickly.) And lastly, we need a bucket. Start by securing your sub so he can not move, face up. Attach the zipper to his genitals. Put the dildo in your sub's mouth and tell him to hold it there. Tie some rope around the dildo such that pulling on it would pull it out of the sub's mouth (this is why the flared base is important), and tie the other end to the zipper line. Make sure the rope is taut. Then run some rope from the dildo over whatever frame or pulley system you've set up, and tie it to a bucket hanging from the pulley. You can do this with two separate ropes, one going from the zipper to the dildo, and one going from the dildo to the bucket. Or just one long rope to attach all three together using a an Alphine Bufferfly Knot to hold the dildo. When you put weight in the bucket, the sub will have to hold onto the dildo or the bucket will lower and rip the zipper off him. Or as a more artful way to describe it, the sub has to suck cock to avoid pain. Make sure there's enough weight in the bucket so when the dildo finally comes out of your sub's mouth, the bucket will come falling to the ground and rip the zipper off. Given enough time the sub will eventually lose hold of the dildo, but a lot of fun can be had in speeding it along. One approach would be to add more and more weight, seeing how much cock weight he can suck. But a much funner thing is to try and make him cry out and drop the dildo. Just remember to keep out of the way of the zipper line, as you never know when it will come flying off. Once you have what you need to do this, you can set up the predicament fairly quickly. And the list of things you can do to distract a sub in this situation is virtually limitless!

For a simpler example we'll need a spreader bar and a collar (more collars can be found here or here) or cuffs. Simply attach rope to your sub's balls, down and around the spreader attached to his ankles, and then back up behind his back and to his collar. If you have cuffs instead of a collar, cuff his hands behind his head and tie the other end of the rope to the cuffs instead of the collar. In this position, as the sub tries to sit up, he will pull on his balls. To make sure he doesn't bring in his feet, you can attach the sub's ankles or spreader to a footboard or bed frame. In this predicament, when you hit his balls he will attempt to curl up to protect them, but instead of protecting his balls, he will just end up pulling on them. The reflex is nearly impossible to resist. Even in kinky porn where you know the guy is loving getting his balls beat, you'll see him bend in for protection now and then. This is a bit more specific to CBT (Cock and Ball Torture), but is a fun and easy predicament to set up.

Predicament bondage is actually a lot of fun if you're good with rope. It does however tend to take up more time than other, simpler forms of play. And it can be a bit frustrating to set up if you're new to it. But it's one of those things you can learn pretty quickly, and in my honest opinion, is worth learning. Predicament bondage is great for when you want to have some fun, but aren't sure how to spice things up beyond the norm. While the last few examples I gave are designed with "intervention" in mind, you can usually work some form of play into any type of predicament bondage if you're looking for a more hands on game.

Friday, March 16, 2012

In the BDSM world, and even more so in Femdom, there is often emphasis put on protocol. While sometimes a top will find such things enjoyable or pleasing, other times they are just annoying. Personally, I tire of most of the protocol. I like my sub to be companionable. If you had a pet cat or dog, and it could talk, would you prefer it to only speak to you when spoken to? Perhaps this is why I like referring to a sub as a pet, as this is often how I like to think of them.

The strictest protocol is often referred to as high protocol, and sometimes, although rarely, old guard. Even if you've never heard the terms before, you've probably heard all of the rules before. A sub must only speaks when spoken to, or must request permission to speak. The sub never turns his or her back to the top, unless of course, told to do so, and must request permission to leave the room. The sub must respond immediately to all commands, and when waiting for a command or when serving, the sub must also do so without drawing attention to it. The sub is to always keep his or her head below that of the top's; this often includes kneeling when otherwise unoccupied. There are other minor but polite things I'm leaving out (dining, introductions, etc), but even these vary a bit from group to group anyway.

Low protocol is often the most informal form of protocol. In such situations the sub simply seems very lady or gentlemen like. This protocol can be used in vanilla situations and around family and friends. One would only be able to find subtle hints as to the dominant and submissive party. Medium protocol is similar to high protocol but with fewer restrictions. This is often used when having like minded, BDSM friendly, friends over. What rules are in place for medium protocol vary by quite a bit and in such situations where such protocol is required, it's usually agreed to ahead of time so there's no confusion. If your sub knows high protocol then he or she can fit in properly in such situations.

While all of this might be fun on occasion, to insist on protocol all of the time can be overbearing, even for a top such as myself. I won't deny there's certainly some fun to be had teaching your sub high protocol - talk about a good excuse for some fun punishment - and there's even some potential fun showing off your well taught sub at a ball or proper gathering. But it just gets old. Sorry to disappoints anyone, but unless I've got a house full of guests, I like to interact with my pets. For protocol fanatics, I just let them know I prefer casual or low protocol. I'm flexible of course, but I can't explain enough how much this wears on you when only a few people, or even no one else, is around. You're basically just suffering through loneliness to prove you're superior, and to who? Someone who already knows their place.

Of course, then there's titles. I admit when I was much younger there was some draw to being called Mistress, but overtime the title has lost its sexiness. I've become numb to it like anything else you're exposed to so many times. Sometimes in public, the way someone says it makes me think they are implying that I know them or own them or have some dominion over them, and that can make me uncomfortable. I generally don't get this vibe online, but again, that's probably because I've become desensitized to it. Either way I don't feel the title adds anything. What I prefer lately, and the title I find most polite, is just a simple miss, but a "ma'am" can be nice. As far as text goes I'm happy as long as the conversation is respectful. I understand some women absolutely require a title, and I don't judge anyone who feels they must follow it with someone new to potentially avoid upsetting such a person, but it's one of the first things I have to correct new subs about. When I get to know a sub I tell them to just use my first name, but in full, not shortened. Non-submissive friends can use the one syllable form of my name or other nicknames. This is respectable while being distinguishable.

Written protocol is another thing that you often see online. Luckily it seems to have fallen in popularity lately. Personally I find it annoying. There's no reason to abuse the written language just to show your place. Your diction and attitude should convey your position. If the only way to know you're submissive is your lowercase "i"s and uppercase "You"s then you need to rethink your submission. Likewise, I hate when I see a top who thinks they have to be rude. You don't have to be a bully to show your superior position. Again, let your words speak for you. As a top simply show confidence (or fake it), and allow the sub's own words to show your place.

It's no secret that for the most part, I dislike protocol. It's rarely fun for me, often comes off as fake, and is hard for me to get into. The only time I insist on any kind of protocol is when administrating serious (i.e. real) punishment, and this is to reinforce the seriousness of the situation. If your sub is keen on protocol and you enjoy it as well, then it's worth exploring. You can even make up some fun - hopefully fun for you - punishments for when he breaks protocol. To throw a bit of seriousness into it, you could even set a date for a test that will have some more serious punishment attached for failure. But don't feel bad for insisting protocol is only for the most formal or serious of situations. Personally if "protocol" were to suddenly vanish, it wouldn't bother me one bit. I don't need a formal set of rules to tell me how I want a sub to behave. This is an acceptable attitude for a top to have, so if this is how you feel, don't feel bad telling your sub it's not for you.