We really need your help!

Mary: We really need your help! The s-e-x in our relationship is like a boring movie that never ends. I’m really not sure what to do. If he drinks he will loosen up a little but he is unable to perform. So, this is not really an option. I tell him that we have to create the “right” mood but this still does not work. He wants to rush everything. Even when I tell him what gets me “hot” he misses the point. Sometimes I just “do it” and I am just not into the experience because it’s like going through the motions. He just doesn’t get it! Dr. Jeff, any help you can be would be greatly appreciated.

Dr. Jeff: Mary, I appreciate your openness and sharing your frustration. I like the idea you expressed about creating the “right” mood for intimacy in your relationship. It’s important to realize that the mood is created together rather than one person with all of the responsibility. In the way you describe sex and intimacy it seems like it has become a “burden.” The reason for this is usually one person is working really hard and all alone. How comfortable do you both feel sharing what “turns you on” and “gets you hot?” Creating space in your relationship to talk about what you are feeling and the sensual side of your thoughts is essential. If you are shy or keep these thoughts to yourself you will find it difficult to experience great sex in your relationship. Maybe you can get together and share a few “tidbits” about things you have been keeping under the sheets. Stimulate each other’s senses visually and verbally. Most importantly, have fun and make room for the possibilities!

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