I had the most interesting conversation yesterday. Brick building.
Let me explain.

I was talking to Mrs. M; wonderful lady, her. You know how much I love her company. She and I have had such interesting conversations about home making. She stays home with her kids, as you know. Homeschool, even. She and I have talked a lot about parenting, what’s different in our lives, what is very much the same.

So this weekend, she said that she sees her job as brick builder.

You know, hon, someday, when you marry and become a mom, you will be building a home in the most literal sense. Not the brick and mortar kind. The kind where human hearts go for rest, protection and nurturing. The kind where your family will play and love and learn and grow. That kind of home. The home that lives inside the four walls. That inside, harder to see home needs building too.

Brick building is messy. It can’t happen quickly either. And the bricks aren’t always pretty. But we continue on, building bricks and putting them in place, day by day, one brick at a time, building our home.

Meal together, brick. Changing a diaper with a smile and a coo for baby, brick. The bedtime routine: lavender bath, books out loud, kiss-and-I-love-you, brick. Sitting on the sofa by the fireplace, snuggling in the quiet crackle and warmth, brick. Looking you in the eye when you tell me how amazing Field Day was, or how difficult school can be, brick. Our fun traditions: Pumpkin Patch, Christmas Coupons, Spaghetti Cook-Off, all bricks. Doing your laundry, signing the permission slips, taking you to your doctor’s appointments, brick, brick, brick.

All our little routines. All the countless ways we love.

We working mommies, we don’t have as much time for brick building. And we have to be really careful to save energy for the process; it’s too easy for us to leave our best energy at work, and arrive home tired and cranky. Protect yourself from that, darling. Protect your family. That work you are giving so much of your life to won’t be there in your old age to love you. And no paycheck, no title, no win at trial or in the marketshare game will ever, ever feel the smallest fraction as good as it feels to be hugged by a joyful child. Your child.

I’ve told you, and I mean it, that you get to pick your mommy life. You’ll get to choose your career. You’ll choose how much you work and where and when. You’ll choose your partner, and the conversations you have about work and money and raising kids before you get married. You’ll choose how healthy you stay, which will have a huge impact on how much you can get done in a day.

While you are making all these choices, keep the goal in mind: brick building. To the best of your ability (within the limits of the unpredictability and vagaries of life) leave room for brick building.

Good morning, Mamma! Happy Monday! Ready to take on the day? How’s that career of yours going? You know, the one you spend so much time at?

Can we talk for a minute about the difference between “I don’t want to” and “I can’t”?

“I don’t want to” is a perfectly legitimate response to any number of work-life possibilities. As in, “I don’t want to move to New Jersey” or “I don’t want to travel three weeks out of every four”. Making choices based on your values (and with no apologies!) is a rock-solid essential part of being a happy Working Mommy. “I don’t want to go to happy hour” is a particular favorite of mine.

“I can’t”, on the other hand, may be you underestimating yourself. It may be fear. It may be self-sabotage because somebody, somewhere told you that you weren’t worthy of that height of success. “I can’t” needs to be addressed.

What is it you want, but are afraid to go for? That’s a big question. If it’s fear keeping you from that goal, who in the world ever told you it was too big for you? Can you look back and tell them to take a leap?

You are CAPABLE of ANYTHING. It’s just whether or not you want the work that goes into achieving that particular goal.

By the same token, just because you are capable of something, doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it if it’s making you and your family miserable. If you don’t want something, don’t do it. But if you think you can’t, that needs some consideration.

Give it a thought today, Mamma. This career thing you are doing, it offers a lot. Intellectual challenge, positive feedback, safety net, it’s all there. Don’t short-change yourself because of fear.

Today, maybe, a quick self assessment? Where are you headed, and why? What would your dream job be, and are your current behaviors designed to get you there? If not, why not?

I feel so much affection for all the working mommies out there. I want the best for you, girl. Don’t go for the C-Suite just because you think it’s the only worthy goal. By the same token, don’t NOT go for it, just because you somehow think you’re not worthy.

Your season of life, your kids and husband’s needs, your partner husband’s ability and willingness to support your family and your home, your company’s respect for family as a legitimate value… and, so importantly, your own heart and gut, they all play a role in this decision making.

Good morning, Mamma. Good weekend? I hope so. I am meeting a friend this morning for coffee. We’re going to talk about what it’s like to be a Working Mommy. She asked to meet me to hear about my experience working and mothering as she considers re-entering the workforce after fifteen years away. “You’ve got great kids and they still seem to like you. How do you do it?” (Best compliment EVER.)

My friend has been, in my opinion, a really great stay-at-home mom. I don’t know why she’s looking at going back to work-in-the-outside-world. I imagine I’ll find out this morning.

What will I say? I’ve thought a lot about this madness. Talked to my daughter about it just this weekend and she considers her own career path. I plan to give my friend encouragement and harsh realities. This life is a mixed gift pack.

I’ll tell her some of what sucks about this gig; and there are days that suck.

I’ll tell her that there is no way this will be easy or perfect. That she is going to miss a lot. (I still struggle with feelings of hate for the nanny who told me she witnessed my kid’s first steps while I was away at work that day.) I’ll tell her there will be pain. (Mandatory meeting on your child’s birthday. Days when you get home after they’ve gone to bed or leave before they wake up. Times when she’ll lose her temper at home because something stressful happened at work and she can’t get it out of her head.) That she and her husband (and kids, hers are pre-teen and teenagers) will have to reconfigure the care-of-the-house partnership; and that she will have to be okay with the way they fold laundry. That, in all likelihood, she’ll still have to be the ones to remind them to do their jobs because, even though she is working outside the home, she’ll still be the mom. I’ll tell her that there will be days when she is so tired that she could fall asleep on the sofa at night, fully dressed, briefcase still in hand. (But her kids will think it’s funny; and her husband will offer to make dinner; mine did.)

And I’ll tell my friend what she’s going to get for all that hassle and pain.

She’ll get a sense of herself that is her own, independent of her relationships with her family, and that sense of self builds a confidence that her children and husband will feel.

She’ll get her own income. This, in my experience, helps to foster a more equal partnership in the marriage as she will know that she earned the money she is spending. There will be less risk of feeling like she has to ask her husband about how to spend ‘his’ money.

She’ll get a break from the constant vigilance about the welfare of her family that is the part and parcel of motherhood. She’ll come back home hungry to be with them and excited to hear about their days. I’ll tell her what it’s like to blow through the front door at the end of the day and have the kids scream, “Mommy!”

She’ll get a variety in her days and life that can light her imagination and energize her mind. Her husband and children can share in this lit-up mind when she shares it with them. I’ll encourage her to talk about her work day at home because it can be very cool to tell your kids about that part of their life. It also models this kind of conversation for them so that they may turn around and tell you about their days too.

And I’ll caution her.

I’ll caution her not to spend too much of her life and mind and time at work. Work, in many ways, is easier than motherhood. Work, in many ways is easier than marriage. Work sure as fire is easier than cleaning the house. But there is a price to be paid if you let yourself get drawn away too much. Oh, make no mistake, there will be a price to pay no matter what, but the degree, the amount you agree to pay in family togetherness, that is up to us and I’ll tell my friend to be aware of this and be careful.

I’ll tell her it’s important to pick a job with flexibility so that she can protect that family time. I’ll tell her about the chickenpox rule: If your child came down with the chickenpox, could you stay home from work that day? If the answer is no, then that is not a Working-Mommy-Friendly job and you probably want to keep looking.

I’ll caution her about the guys at work who will be a little flirtatious. Too flirtatious. Because she will be dressed up and beautiful everyday, and so will they. Because she will never have to yell at them to fix the toilet. Because they will never yell at her for spending too much on the towels. Too easy, complete mirage, so dangerous.

In the end, I’ll lay out the good, the bad, the mess of it. I’ll tell her that I didn’t have a choice, I had to work. I’ll tell her that even though I have great kids, even though they still like me and even though I missed my work when I got to stay home with them for several months, even though… I still hate working some days, and I still dream about what it would have been like to be with them when they were little.

Good morning, Working Mommy. How are you? Are you remembering to be a mom and wife and friend and athlete in addition to being the worker bee?

Work is seductive. The money, the recognition, the calls from your boss… they can draw you in till you look up and 90% of your life is work.

Take care, Mamma. This can happen in seasons, sometimes it has to, but please don’t let it happen for too long. This is your life we’re talking about, your whole life. Your children are only little for a very, very short time. Don’t miss it.

I’ve just finished five, no wait, six weeks of massively intensive work. It has been productive, exciting and fun. I’m doing really well; my product is doing really well; I expect bonuses and more recognition to follow. I’ve skipped workouts, family dinners, and time with friends. I’ve eaten crap food on the run.

AND my family has paid a price.

No, no excuses, and don’t tell me it’s okay. They do pay a price when I work like this. And so do I.

So, starting today, I very consciously, very intentionally go back to a more rational balance in my life.

Because there is no amount of money that can buy my relationship with my family.