Too often I hear this crap both online and in everyday interactions with people of an older generation and sadly even my own generation. I often am guilty of chewing these people out, even if they’re close family members, and passionately talking about all the injustices in this society and how we need to BE BETTER!

I don’t know, maybe it’s because I come off as an angry feminist, or maybe it’s because I’m a “spoiled millennial” or maybe it’s just that what I’m saying is so truthful that it makes people uncomfortable, but in response to my passion I’m often told I need to just let things go. Birth rights come to mind as one thing that I’m “not supposed to talk about”. People will say “well back in the day you were just grateful for a healthy baby and a live mother”. Older women will comment on how they never really shared their birth stories as freely as women today. Some will be thankful for that change while a lot of others will try to shame us for complaining and try to put us back in our place.

Actually, that’s the real problem with the attitude toward us “spoiled, outspoken millennials” who “are too sensitive and too offended by everything”: it’s not really that WE are the problem, but that the past generations are uncomfortable to recognize their part in the oppression of others. They don’t want to admit that maybe by just staying silent and “not talking about that stuff” they allowed it to happen much longer than it should have.

It wasn’t THAT long ago that same-sex couples had to pretend they were simply roommates/very good friends if they were to have any semblance of a life together. There are still older people finally coming out as LGBTQ and the reason for coming “out of the closet” that late in life isn’t that they just didn’t know until then or that they somehow just decided to change who they were, it’s because when they were teenagers it wasn’t SAFE for them to be who they were. In an oppressive heteronormative patriarchy they faced serious repercussions if they deviated from the prescriptive norms of their time. That meant that they had to pretend they were straight and once they were finally free (thanks to decades of normalizing same-sex couples in the media) they wanted to shout it out loud and celebrate their new freedom.

I strongly believe that 99% of the problems in society would be solved if we dismantled the patriarchy.

If violence wasn’t seen as an admirable quality we would have more non-violent conflicts.

If nurturing qualities associated with women were seen as acceptable for all sexes then we would have more equality for fathers both in the workplace and outside of it. Change tables would actually BE in all the bathrooms as a matter of default, not some added “perk” that men have to beg for. Paternity leave and maternity leave might not have to be split and fathers might be able to take more time off work to care for their sick kids instead of being asked “well, what about your wife? Can’t SHE stay home?”

If women were as valued as men then young boys would never hear the words “you throw like a girl” or “only sissies cry over that”. ALL emotions would be acceptable. My son could watch My Little Pony and nobody would bat an eye and I wouldn’t have to arch my brow at them and say “there’s nothing wrong with liking My Little Pony is there?” in that tone that makes it quite clear don’t you dare start with that patriarchal bullshit in my presence or I will tear you a new one.

If women were seen as real people there would be no rape jokes or ideas that women somehow owe guys their attention because they were “nice to them”. As if that’s somehow reason for me to just give up my right to decide for myself if I want to go out with you. We wouldn’t have to come up with a million excuses or find ways to let the guy down easy to not hurt his ego. We wouldn’t be looking over our shoulder to make sure he’s not following us and waiting for a moment to pounce. We wouldn’t constantly feel like prey.

If the patriarchy didn’t exist then EVERYONE would be valued as a human being. There wouldn’t be racism or sexism or sizeism. There wouldn’t be a need to worry about Political Correctness because everyone would stop and think “how does this affect other people” before it was even said.

But getting back to the problem with us Millennials, the reason why we are “so sensitive” is simple: we are in the middle of a HUGE cultural shift. We have the past generations who still remember when “the gays stayed in the closet” and “women knew their place–at HOME” and we “were more modest” and “didn’t talk about unpleasant things” and “just did what we were told” and “never questioned authority”. They remember when they could just turn a blind eye or pretend they didn’t hear when someone told an upsetting story that challenged a societal norm. They remember when they could tell themselves “I’m sure it wasn’t THAT bad” and “she must have led him on” and “well what did they expect to happen if they acted like that/dressed that way?” To have all those things brought to light today and have a very loud group of young people shout “this is not okay with us” is probably really uncomfortable. It probably makes them feel like we millennials are just not happy with things the way they are…and they’re right. We AREN’T happy! And for the first time in history we have the perfect outlet to really voice how unhappy we are.

Some of the older generations have already joined us in our cries of THIS HAS TO STOP and for those who would rather just “live life in peace” that’s uncomfortable to have the truth shoved in their faces. I have a solution for those people who would rather bury their heads in the sand; get off the internet. We don’t want you here if you’re just going to keep telling us we’re “making a big deal over nothing”. We are NOT going to let you silence us.

Political Correctness isn’t censorship; it’s compassion. It’s seeing that things can be said TACTFULLY instead of in a way that makes someone feel “less than” in society. You can still express your feelings without being an asshole.

All the people complaining about “millennial parenting” miss the real point when they complain about the “lack of discipline”. The REASON the peaceful parenting movement exists at all is because it is a direct response to the problems in our society. We came here because we recognize the lack of empathy and compassion in our society and WE WANT BETTER FOR OUR KIDS. We are raising the next generation and we just happen to be doing that in the decades that will likely be marked in history as the “cultural shift” that SO MANY have been working toward since humans first started being assholes and oppressing their people who didn’t fit into the narrow box of what they deemed “acceptable”.

“You can’t turn on the TV today without seeing someone who is LGBTQ shoved in your face”.

Good. Back when I was in highschool it was controversial that Willow and Tara were a couple and they DIDN’T EVEN SHARE AN ONSCREEN KISS UNTIL HALFWAY THROUGH SEASON 5. People would act like total assholes to Amber Benson simply because she played a character on TV involved in a relationship with Alyson Hannigan’s character. Why? Because back when I was in school being LGBTQ was to be “other”. It wasn’t accepted as normal, but as a “publicity stunt”. That’s why Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera shared a kiss during a performance for the Grammys; it wasn’t because they were a polyamorous couple, it was because in that culture it was a spectacle for 3 women to kiss on-screen.

Today I can watch a show on the CW and see a mixed-race couple and the colors of their skin are not the central conflict of their relationship. Back in the 90s when a white character started dating someone of color it was considered “progressive”. Today it’s normal. Nobody cared that Bonnie Bennet was black and dating Elena’s brother Jeremy. Admittedly I was a little surprised when Bianca Lawson played Shay Mitchell’s love interest right in Season 1 of Pretty Little Liars, but that was mainly because she also played Kendra on Buffy the Vampire Slayer way back in the 90s and is older than I am. It was more a “how is she still playing a teenager” kind of shock rather than “she’s in a relationship with a girl!” shock. Actually that show was a prime example of how not a big deal same sex couples are today. Emily remained true to her sexual orientation the entire series and even had a happy ending with another main character and even had children with her. How’s THAT for progressive?

“So if it’s already in the media then they don’t need to keep shoving it in our faces. It’s NORMAL now”.

No, it’s not. There is still a long way to go before the future we want for everyone actually becomes a reality. Yes, younger generations are starting to change things and be more open, but as long as we have people FIGHTING THESE CHANGES it’s not going to be enough. As long as the harmful messages are absorbed by kids it’s not going to be enough. And THAT is why we need to be mindful of what we say. THAT is why we need to listen when someone says that something is offensive. Obviously I’m not talking about the bigoted groups of people who thing Feminism is “offensive to men” or the religious zealots who think a females cleavage is “offensive”, but when someone says “hey, maybe don’t make that joke about rape/race/sexual orientation etc” or “hey, that message doesn’t actually mean what you think it means and is perpetuating a culture we are working to change”, LISTEN TO WHAT THEY ARE SAYING. You don’t have their same experience, but that doesn’t mean you get to decide that it’s “not that bad”.

As a woman I know what it’s like to be dismissed as “emotional” or a “crybaby”. I have had guys ask me such inappropriate questions in the classroom as “do you have pubes?” and I was told “your gigantic breasts make it hard for me to concentrate” when I told them to turn around and do their work and LEAVE ME ALONE. I have had guys tell me that my real problem was that I “just really need to get laid” when I would tell them to fuck off. The older I got the worse it got. And in response to my complaints I got told “well, if you’re going to dress like that…” and “maybe he just likes you…”

I know I’m lucky. As a cis-straight-white woman I would be at the top of the hierarchy just below cis-straight-white men. I probably enjoy the most rights out of all our oppressed groups and should feel grateful, right? Except I was born with a heart that loves deeply and I have compassion. I may be “lucky” but I still know how much this society sucks for women and I can only imagine how much worse it is for people of color and the LGBTQ community. I do my best to pay attention to their experiences, however different they may be from my own, and to honor their truths. And so when I learn some new information that I didn’t have before about their experiences I strive to do better. I won’t be dressing up my daughter as Pocahontas because she is representing a real person and a real culture and their story is far from the lovely narrative Disney put out in the 90s. And people may complain that they don’t get to dress up like Pocahontas without some “fragile snowflake” saying something about it, but when you get past the spoiled “but I wanna just be ignorant and play like I used to” argument it comes down to this: It’s not nice. It’s making light of the suffering of another group of people for your own amusement. Would you dress up as a “dead fetus” for Halloween? I seriously hope not, because if you answered “why not?” then you are a seriously fucked up piece of shit and I hope you never breed.

I don’t claim to be perfect. I have just as much room for growth as the rest of humanity. Even marginalized groups of people can have moments where they lacked self-awareness; that’s part of being human. I’m not asking anyone to be perfectly PC all the time and never say what’s on their mind. I’m not asking for censorship. I think that whitewashing the past and pretending it didn’t happen isn’t helpful. We can still enjoy old films and books and see them as being a product of their times and realize how far we’ve come as a society. I can read Gone With the Wind and think “wow, that was a different time but this actually used to happen. I’m glad we’re working toward a better way”. Maybe, again, as a woman that’s easy for me to do. I am well aware that if I was born in the past my life would seriously suck worse than it does now. I would probably be burned as a witch for my “heresy” in daring to question anything, let alone challenge the patriarchy as I do. If I was even born a few decades earlier, perhaps advice would have been given to my husband that I needed a good beating to put me in my place. Decades further into the past I might not have even had a choice in who I married.

My point is that once upon a time all these things I enjoy today in our culture were criticized by the older generations who have long since passed. You really think that the parents of the first suffragettes were pleased with what their daughters were doing? You really think that the first mixed-race relationships were widely accepted in society? You would only be fooling yourself if you believe that every great movement toward societal change was met with enthusiasm from everyone; that it didn’t come at a huge cost to the people who fought to make things better. The difference between then and now is that NOW we have a much bigger audience. We have the internet. The 90s opened the door for change to happen at a much faster rate, for atrocities to be brought to light immediately and for us to be able to keep the conversation going from the comfort of our own homes where we wouldn’t have to fear an army coming in and shutting us down before we even got started. We can even remain anonymous if we like, and we can say all the things we were once too afraid to admit because we have others like us out there who are sharing their truths and encouraging us to share ours.

As for our shift in language, that is also very necessary because words have power. Thinking they don’t is foolish. The way we say things matters. Take for instance the way we talk about birth. I refuse to say I had a “natural birth” because the word “natural” is triggering to people, but also it is a very broad term. What is “natural” to one person isn’t to another; it’s a qualitative statement. I have had women who were induced tell me that they had a “natural birth, and it was so painful they would never do it again”. They really mean they had an unmedicated birth, with an induced labor. Or someone will assume that a vaginal birth is “natural” regardless of whether or not they were induced, on a fetal monitor and flat on their back with an epidural. A mother who had a cesarean may feel that “all birth is natural”.

So I don’t use that term because it is too broad a definition. I say I had a physiological birth to indicate that labor started spontaneously and was not augmented or impeded in any way. I say it was unmedicated because I did not have any drugs for pain relief or even an IV. I say it was a spontaneous vaginal birth (not delivery) because I birthed the baby without assistance of forceps or vacuum or episiotomy and I say BIRTH instead of “delivery” because I did all the work and my midwife was there to SUPPORT me. When people say “who delivered your baby” that implies that the mother was passive in the experience, not the one doing all the work. It is disempowering and perpetuates the idea that women are “not allowed” to make their own decisions about their births. I HATE it when a mother says “am I allowed…” when asking about what to expect in birth. It’s just more of the same patriarchal bullshit that has no place in society today.

I know that being PC isn’t ALL about birth, but I use it as an example because it is the subject I am most familiar with (that, and women’s rights as a whole). I am not a person of color and I am a cis-straight woman so I won’t pretend to understand the issues that people of color and the LGBQT community deal with as fully as someone of those communities. I only know what I am made aware of, and truthfully before I had children I wasn’t aware of the problems with maternity care. I didn’t see it as a feminist issue. I didn’t think that the rising csection rates were a big deal and I thought that birth was supposed to be traumatizing. I didn’t know what I didn’t know, and when I didn’t know I said some pretty stupid things. I held really stupid attitudes and beliefs. I will admit that. But the thing about beliefs and attitudes is that they are formed by the information that one gets on a subject and CAN change over time as one is exposed to more of that thing they held an opinion on. When you move away from black and white thinking and start realizing that maybe you don’t know as much as you thought, you can choose to seek out information you didn’t have before. I may not have the direct experience, but if I hear of oppression in a culture I do my best to learn more about it. I want to be aware of what messages I’m sending out because I have kids now and they are watching me. If I’m to raise my kids to be part of the culture that destroys the patriarchy, then I have to be willing to change my perceptions that might have been culturally insensitive and adopt new language to address those things so that people can feel more comfortable expressing their truths without fearing for their safety.

Maybe in a few more decades this won’t be such a big deal anymore. Maybe “PC Culture” won’t need to exist in the way that it does right now. But in this current version of our world it DOES need to exist because that’s how change happens. We cannot go back to the old ways; the old ways were full of silence and fear of what others might think of us. It denied people their right to be who they were, free of persecution. We can talk all we like about the pretty ideals of equality and we can tell people to be “more accepting”, but without the action that our “spoiled, fragile snowflakes” keep calling for, we aren’t going to get very far. We don’t say “that’s offensive” just because our feelings are hurt. We say it because we are trying to change a culture that is harmful and no longer represents who WE want to be. We don’t want to go back to the way things were. We like having our rights, thank you very much, and we won’t stop pointing out all the ways things could be better. If you don’t like it, well, you’ll be dead in the next century anyway so it won’t really matter. The world as you knew it IS going to change and you can either accept it and stop whining about the “millennials and their PC culture” and HELP us, or you can be one of those people in history that our future generations will shake their heads at and think “how could they have been okay with that?” Personally I prefer to be on the right side of history, even if no one remembers my name.

It seems like the media is talking about the ridiculously high csection rates again and the questions get asked. Why are the rates so high?What is it about mothers today that’s causing 1 in 3 births to end in major surgery?

You wanna know WHY we’re in this mess? I’ve been asking that question for 5 years now, ever since I was aware of the issue. And many birth advocates have been doing it a lot longer than I have.

Here’s how you get a recipe for an unnecessary cesarean. Please keep in mind that this isn’t referring to the 15% of cases when a csection is actually necessary, nor is it referring to the breech and twin births where a csection may or may not be needed. This is in reference to the countless cases of mothers who could have had a vaginal birth but were robbed of that because of factors they were not aware of that were deliberately undermining their confidence in their bodies and that contributed to their “needing” that cesarean.

Mother spends last week of pregnancy wondering if she’ll ever go into labor on her own.

OB convinces the “patient” that the due date is an expiration date for the pregnancy. Makes no mention of the fact that very few women actually go into labor on their due date OR that full term is anywhere from 37-42 weeks.

Mother exhausts herself trying to go into labor by her due date. Gets discouraged when all her efforts “fail”. OB does not ever explain that THE BABY is the one that triggers labor and that she could still have a few more weeks to go.

OB does cervical checks in the final month. Tells mother she’s either making progress or not. Discourages mother further that her body isn’t working the way it “should”.

Due date approaches. OB has already scheduled a csection in advance. Mother tires herself out trying to go into labor on her own. Gets more comments about healthy babies, csections being “safer” and very few or no mentions of her right to informed consent and refusal, current VBAC guidelines, or current evidence that is contradictory to what her OB is saying. Months of disempowering language and power imbalances has made her less likely to question her OB or say NO.

Mother does not go into labor by her due date (because BABY ISN’T READY) and has the repeat csection.

This can go one of two ways: Mother hires a different care provider, possibly even a midwife. She might do a homebirth or choose to labor at home as long as possible before going to the hospital. If there’s a VBAC ban in that hospital then she would also need to arm herself with the laws of informed consent and refusal because coercive tactics may be employed to obtain her “consent” for a repeat csection. If she stays home, she likely has an empowering VBA2C unless there is a true complication that arises and the midwife advises that she transfer to the hospital (very unlikely).

If she has NO supportive voices of friends or even strangers on the internet telling her that what she wants is even possible or how to achieve that goal, then she might feel like she can’t do it and agree to a repeat csection.

The more csections she has, the more likely these scenarios will repeat themselves. I personally have a friend who had a VBA3C and she indeed had to fight for it. When she achieved that VBAC it changed her. It made her into that strong advocate that would be a voice to encourage other mothers seeking VBAC. She learned the hard way, as so many women do, that the system is not designed to support vaginal births.

We have too many csections because we have too many inductions scheduled before 42 weeks without medical cause.

We have too many csections because we have too many repeat csections scheduled on the due dates or just before, without medical reason for it.

We have too many csections because too many women are being led to believe their bodies don’t work and that they “need” interventions that they actually don’t. We have too many csections because not enough people are out there informing mothers of their rights to informed consent and refusal, evidence based practices and guidelines, and the difference between a care provider who is truly supportive and one that is placating their patients but fully intends to call ALL the shots later when it’s much harder for them to refuse without real or imagined consequences.

We have too many csections because there are too many OBs out there who operate under a patriarchal viewpoint of knowing what’s “best” and who would rather do what’s easiest for them in terms of convenience, profit, and liability. And sadly, they overshadow the GOOD doctors and the midwives out there who ARE serving mothers and giving them the empowering births they deserve, EVEN when those births have unexpected outcomes.

We DON’T have too many csections because mothers are older, heavier, or less healthy than in the past. That’s just a scapegoat that the OBs doing all the unnecessary csections like to point to in order to take the spotlight off their own practices. But for over 20 years they’ve known the truth. They’ve ALWAYS known what they were doing was causing more csections and they still take the credit of “saving lives” because that’s easier too and the mothers generally don’t know any better. And the ones who DO know better? Well they’re condescended to and called “difficult” and they’re treated like a problem client who is more concerned with her birth vision than her baby. And I’m sick of their bullshit games, so I call it out when I see it.

Mainstream parenting forums are made up of all kinds of mothers. Many of them disempowered and scared to go against “doctor’s orders” even when it’s clear that the doctor is lying to them. And others will get pissed at me for telling those mothers that they can say NO. And still others will say the same thing I am and share their own heartbreaking stories; their warnings to not fall for the same tricks they had. Their pleas for another mother to avoid the treacherous path that those of us who do this work can all see coming from miles away. Doulas know. Maternity care nurses know. Midwives know. Birth advocates know. We ALL know. We hear the stories, we help the women who were burned in the past and are now struggling against the obstacles of their first birth as they seek a more positive experience. And we are often punished and scorned for it.

But we persevere. Why? Because we know that many won’t listen the first time or even the second, but eventually they will. And when they do, we will be there for them. We always knew their bodies weren’t broken.

There is a reprehensibly disgusting meme that I’ve just been made aware of.

Basically a bunch of internet trolls/religious zealots have been posting it to shame and harass mothers who had c-sections, saying they got a “lucky break” because they didn’t actually have to give birth.

As someone who had an all-natural vaginal birth, I am still deeply offended by this line of thought. I fail to see how MY birth experience could possibly be more difficult than a c-section.

I have friends who have had c-sections. I know that some of them are okay with it, and others take the stance that c-sections suck big time. Both points are valid because experiences and feelings about those experiences are different for everyone. If you were to ask my personal opinion on having a c-section though, well, you probably already guessed I’m in the camp that c-sections suck in comparison to a 36 hour labor and pushing a baby out without drugs. But though a c-section is the very last thing I would ever want and I’ll do my damndest to never ever have to have one, it’s not for thinking that it’s a coward’s way out.

My c-section friends, I in no way think my long labor and delivery is any way more difficult than what you faced, and here’s why:

1) You had to have a needle. In your back. Seriously, that’s freaking BRAVE! I don’t think I could have done that; in fact, just thinking about that big needle freaks me out. It’s why I had NO desire for an epidural no matter how bad the pain of labor got. And this isn’t even factoring in the chance of the epidural causing back pain/back spasms due to its placement (yeah, that can happen).

2) You also had to have an IV. I’ve had an IV ONCE in my life and I am pretty confident in my decision to avoid it at all costs. IVs freaking HURT and I can’t imagine having to place one while suffering through contractions (for an emergency c-section) or just really having one in place AT ALL!

3) You had a catheter. Again, freaking bravery that you went through with that, even if it wasn’t really your choice. I was threatened with one after I gave birth to my son and just wanted to sleep a few hours longer before the nurse harassed me to get up and pee. I dragged my tired ass out of bed and had her draw me a hot bath so I could go in peace just to avoid such an unpleasant fate. I hear that a catheter can also cause urinary tract issues after the fact.

4) You had MAJOR abdominal surgery. You were CUT OPEN and then people were moving your organs around. I have heard this can cause your GI tract to be a little screwy after the fact, and why wouldn’t it? You had your whole digestive system and then some pushed around to pull a baby out. When I think about that I just cannot in any way fathom how my long labor and pushing stage could be considered more of an ordeal. You win, c-section mamas.

5) You HAD TO stay in the hospital. You had surgery, and a major one at that, so there was no early discharge for you. I was there for 12 hours after the birth and could have gone home an hour after had I not been talked out of it. And next time? I’ll ALREADY be home.

6) You had a loooong recovery. I hear it can take 2 weeks or longer to heal from a c-section and on top of that you now have a helpless newborn. That’s seriously a lot to go through; especially if you’re a first time mom! But even a seasoned veteran mom would have it tough since there are other tiny humans to care for in addition to this new tiny human. In comparison, my first few days of not being able to lift anything due to weakness in my arms (from gripping my husband during the actual birth) and feeling a bit achy is NOTHING when I think of you c-section mamas.

7) You are more likely to have complications in subsequent pregnancies, a difficult time finding a truly VBAC supportive care provider, and not to mention possible issues around your incision site. I have none of these worries; the only thing that is of any real concern to me is whether or not I can find a midwife who will stay hands-off and just let me call all the shots in my next pregnancy and birth. So while my trauma is no less valid, I also know that a lot of my friends have a lot more to deal with than just not getting the birth they had wanted.

8) If you didn’t plan your c-section, you probably have a lot of negative feelings associated with the birth; especially if it was a very stressful last-minute thing or you felt pressured into agreeing or didn’t know you had options. I only sort of understand this due to my own disappointment in where my son was born, but had I not been such a stubborn pain in the ass pregnant mama and listened to the medwife then I could have very well ended up in your place. They WANTED to induce and section me; it was my own refusal to see an OB or do ANYTHING other than go in for ultrasounds and non-stress tests to reassure them (and myself) that my son was okay and that there was no danger in waiting for labor to start on its own. And I get that a lot of people inherently trust the “experts” and wouldn’t think to question their recommendations; we’re biologically hardwired to follow those we perceive to be the most knowledgeable or most capable in a situation we are unfamiliar with. But sadly if you didn’t plan it, and you didn’t want it, but felt you had NO choice, only to later find out you DID…that’s rough. And the moms who really DID need a c-section, well, you’re likely to worry that the same complication could happen again. After all, you did everything right and got dealt a crappy hand anyway, and you have no one to blame for it. That’s got to be terrifying and devastating. I’m sorry.

So those assholes who say you got a lucky break, or those ignorant first time moms who are currently pregnant and think a c-section would be easier, and also those non-pregnant childless women who think they’d rather be cut open than endure the horrors of labor and delivery (of which I was once one because I didn’t KNOW—and I’m sorry to all the moms who chose a non medicated labor and delivery and I told them they were insane)…they are ALL wrong for saying it. YOU are the ones who are BRAVE and STRONG, and I couldn’t imagine having to go through all of that. You, c-section mamas, are the true birth warriors as far as I’m concerned. And you can totally quote me on that in whatever empowering meme you want to create in response to the haters!

Or you can snag this image and post it in the comments section of any forum of which they share it 😉

I know it’s odd to read that, coming from someone who loves princesses and pink everything; someone who once dreamed of having a little girl of her very own; a miniature of herself to pass down all her treasures.

But it’s true.

I don’t want to bring another girl into this broken world.

I don’t want to be the one to tell another little girl to “dress modestly”.

I don’t want to be the one to give her the talk about protecting herself from rape; that 1 in 3 women will be assaulted in their lifetime.

I don’t want to be the one to tell her that her choices don’t actually matter.

I don’t want to explain how men get to make all the decisions on everything.

I don’t want to see her grow into a young woman, and then have to tell that young woman that she can’t dress a certain way or act too friendly or trust anyone implicitly.

I don’t want to have to tell her that even if she says “no”, that not everyone will believe she didn’t ask for it.

I don’t want to be the one to tell her that if she gets pregnant, she will be shamed in any choice she makes, be it to keep the baby, give it up, or terminate the pregnancy.

I don’t want to have to smile and congratulate her on a pregnancy she’s excited about, all the while praying that she comes out of it unscathed.

I don’t want to have to tell her that her choices in her pregnancy and birth may not be respected, or that she’ll be lied to or coerced or outright threatened into compliance.

I don’t want to be the one to tell her that no matter what path she chooses in motherhood, that someone somewhere will find fault with and shame her for it.

I don’t want her to know that in spite of all the efforts feminism has made over centuries of oppression, that we could lose it all in an instant.

I don’t want to tell her that she will never be seen as more than a container to be filled and emptied; that her life will never trump the life of a potential human being; that her hopes, dreams, ambitions and needs will not matter. That no matter what she chooses to do, she is selfish.

Maybe if things were different, I might want a daughter. If rape culture was abolished, if bodily autonomy was respected, if women were somehow treated as PEOPLE and not as children who need the men and the white coated professionals to make decisions for them, if we were free…then, maybe I would want a daughter.

If misogyny was abolished in our culture.

Maybe.

If this wasn’t the world we lived in, I might want to bring another female into it.

But those of us with a uterus do not have a voice, and as a mother I want my children to be free.

So I don’t think I want a daughter anymore.

Please give me only sons.

And I will teach them to love and respect women as people, not as vessels or play things or servants.

Then maybe the world will change in time, and they can have daughters of their own.

With all the debates about women’s choices that have been happening lately it’s become more evident to me that it’s not about what’s actually “safe”. It’s about control. Big groups of doctors and surgeons all rally against the idea that women should be allowed to say “thanks but no thanks” to any and/or all of the medical services they are selling. I say selling instead of providing mainly because they don’t get paid for merely suggesting something; they get paid for actually doing what it is they’re suggesting. So for us to say “actually, you know what? I don’t really feel like doing that test, because of reasons,” it’s a threat to their business.

So what do they do? They try to hit us with facts and statistics. And when the smart and well-educated women do their own research and call their bluff, they hit back in the most childish way possible; they try to shame us into compliance.

That’s right, ladies. No matter what research you’ve done or how credible your sources (ie: midwives and doctors who practice evidence based care) you really don’t know what you’re talking about. “Sorry, but no, just because those tests I talked you into doing have shown that your baby is in fact doing extremely well and there’s a chance I could be wrong, I’m still going to ask that you scrap your entire birth plan and just trust that I know what I’m talking about.” “No, you shouldn’t be allowed to choose the circumstances or even the way in which you birth your child because I don’t think it’s safe.”

Maybe they don’t use those exact words. Maybe they cite “risk” and “safety” as a big concern, and very few would think to ask the question I’m about to pose to you. Risk according to whom? The mother or the doctor? Whose choice really matters in this case? Who is the person who will have to live with that choice for the rest of their lives? Who will recall that day every year and be reminded of it every time they tell the story of the day that child was born?

The fact is that different people perceive risks in different ways. I may not want to risk the discomfort of being pressured into compliance with hospital policy and someone else may feel that the risk of something going wrong and being at home unable to cope may be a greater risk for them. But certainly neither choice is right or wrong, unless the choice is being made for you and it’s something you don’t want. Which is exactly what is happening every time this tired debate occurs between doctors and midwives and other people that may have gone to school for this stuff, but who are still not qualified to decide what YOU think is right for YOU.

Let me make this perfectly clear, in case you’re new to this blog and haven’t had a chance to read my other posts on this subject: Only YOU can decide what’s right for YOU, and by extension your child.

But I’m not going to get into yet another discussion about choice because I’ve done that. Now I’m going to address the reactions to those choices that we dare make about our own lives and bodies and babies.

So you’ve gone ahead and done your research and you dared to question the ‘expert’, and now that tactic #1: Throw Statistics At Her didn’t work it’s on to tactic #2: Fear.

“What if something goes wrong?” they’ll ask. “Did you know it takes less than 5 minutes to (insert horrifying and fatal complication here)?” “I know you think everything is fine now but how would you feel if you were wrong and you or your baby died?”

Many of us (myself included, regrettably) have caved under such a deceitful tactic, which has been coined “the dead baby card”, only to later discover that they were right all along and had complied for no reason other than fear. And in some cases that fear could extend to threats that the doctor might call child protective services on you for simply “endangering your child” by going “against doctor recommendations”.

But we know all this, and when we’ve been through it and know what to look for we become immune to those lowly tricks. So there’s really only one tactic left after we’ve done our homework, learned our rights and stood up to say “we are not children and you have no power over us”, and that’s Tactic #3: Shaming and Name Calling.

We are no longer just ‘misinformed’ or ‘ignorant’. Now we’re terrible mothers for ‘caring more about our birth experience than our babies’. We are putting our babies ‘at risk’ by ignoring the very medical professionals trained and certified to minimize those risks. We’re all perpetuating the “Mommy Wars” by daring to snub modern interventions or modern “conveniences”. We’re told that our protesting against overuse of a procedure or by informing other women, we are spreading lies and misinformation and our cause is ‘dangerous’. That our simple message that women are in control of their own health and the health of their babies, and that medical professionals should be relegated to the roles of consultants rather than sole decision makers is not in our best interests.

But you know what? I say LET THEM call us bad mothers. Let them say we’re selfish. Let them say we’re ignorant or any number of other things. Does it really matter? Unless you believe it, it really doesn’t matter what someone else calls you. It doesn’t matter if someone says you’re selfish for wanting a home birth or to simply avoid any intervention you deem unnecessary. It doesn’t matter if someone calls you a ‘bad mother’ for refusing to raise your child the way others think you should. I’m not ‘endangering my child’ by choosing to co-sleep with him instead of forcing him to sleep in his own bed. I’m not a ‘pushover’ because I’m choosing to let my child lead the weaning process or choose when and if he wants to eat. I’m not ‘spoiling’ him. All I’m doing is what’s working for me and my family, and if you don’t like it, well, that’s on YOU. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I will not apologize for my choices. And you shouldn’t either.

Parents, let’s stop questioning ourselves when others tell us what we’re doing is selfish or wrong. Let’s stop putting down pregnant women who decide they want something different for their birth experience and instead say “hey, if that’s what you want, GO FOR IT!” Instead of telling women to work WITH their doctors in ‘shared decision making’ (which doesn’t work, by the way) let’s remind them that THEY get final say. Always. Doesn’t matter what the risk is or rather the “perceived risk” since tests can be wrong (especially ultrasounds) and don’t tell the whole story. And if she decides that she doesn’t want a certain test or exam, instead of telling her to ‘do it for the baby’ we should support her in that too. Because no matter what we think or feel about a situation, whether or not we had a negative experience or know someone else who did, it’s not about us. And if WE make a choice that others disagree with, it’s not about THEM either. So when thought about in that context, does it really make any difference if someone ELSE thinks our choices are selfish? NO!!!! Because WE know the truth! WE know that what we’re doing works for us and that to just do what others think we should do would likely NOT make sense for us or we’d regret that choice bitterly.

Case in point, my ‘choice’ to give up on my home birth. That wasn’t a choice I made on my own and I know it. I KNOW it was made out of fear. I KNOW it was made out of deference to family members who were worried about the “what ifs”. I KNOW that I will regret the fact that I gave in even long after my second child has been born at home and grows up and I hold my first grandchild by them. I KNOW that I can never take that choice back. There is no do-over. I will have a home birth with my second baby, of that there is no question or even discussion (it’s happening; accept it, people) but I can’t go back and have a home birth with my son. He will always be the baby that was born in the hospital and my memory of being pregnant with him will always be tainted with those moments when I allowed someone else to dictate what I could and couldn’t do. And while I KNOW that those things happened to push me in this direction and speak out against the culture of compliance and fear, it still doesn’t make up for the fact that his birthday is not a day I celebrate easily. And yet, for those who are against home birth and deem it ‘unsafe’ and the mothers ‘selfish’, they would say I made the ‘right’ choice in the end. The only problem is that their ‘right’ choice was the WRONG choice for me.

Even now, almost 2 years later I find so many of my parenting decisions being questioned and criticized. I keep being told that my son needs to learn to sleep without Mommy in bed next to him. That he’s almost 2 and needs to wean. That if I just tried harder at something they suggest that it would somehow work for me. But here’s the thing; it might work for them. It doesn’t work for me. And it certainly doesn’t work for my son. I sleep next to him because it’s how he manages to stay asleep for longer than an hour or two. I sleep next to him because if he starts whimpering from a nightmare or because his gums hurt from cutting teeth, I can stroke his hair and whisper that he’s safe and he goes back to sleep in seconds. SECONDS, people! He doesn’t even wake up fully before I have him fast asleep again. And plus, I LIKE the nighttime snuggles. I LIKE having little arms around my neck. I LIKE waking up to toddler hugs and kisses and snuggling in bed for up to half an hour before we decide we’re ready to start the day. I LIKE going for naps with him because *I* get to nap too! And as for nursing, it’s far easier than trying to find a pacifier or carry a stuffed animal with us everywhere, and gradually he’s weaning off on his own. He’s still nursing, but not as often and because we’ve been going at his pace I’m not suffering from engorgement (OW!!) or worrying about whether he’s getting adequate nutrients on days when he’s not up to eating because of teeth coming in. When he’s sick he gets over it in less than a week, too, thanks to the antibodies in my milk.

So go ahead and tell me I’m spoiling him; it won’t make a bit of difference to me. I’m going to do it anyway because *I* know I’m not spoiling him. I’m his mother; I think it’s safe to say I know my own kid better than you do. And I think it’s also safe to say that I know my own body, my own needs, my own likes and dislikes, and the level of risk I’m willing to take better than anyone else, including the ‘experts’ in the field.

And if you don’t believe me, well then you’re just being a poop-head. See? I can call you names that don’t mean anything too ;p

Recently a story about a teenage girl being forced to undergo chemotherapy made headlines. The seventeen year old was told she needed to undergo a treatment that she decided she did not want, and her mother supported that decision. The state then decided that the mother made the “wrong” choice by not forcing her almost-adult daughter to undergo the treatment, took custody of the girl, and forced her into surgery and treatment themselves. The girl ran away from her foster home, they brought her back and the court decided she couldn’t choose NOT to undergo the chemo.

This story, while extreme, is terrifying to me as both a person and a mother. It shows how very little control we actually have over what is done to our bodies in the name of “saving us”, and the fact that the courts can actually take our rights away is something that is deeply frightening. The worst part is that a lot of comments on such news stories are in favor of the courts ruling, with the most offensive ones being that the seventeen year old girl “doesn’t know what’s best for her”.

To be clear, the only thing truly standing between this girl and her ability to choose for herself what she wants for her own body is one year or less, depending on where her birth month falls on the calendar. LESS THAT A YEAR, and she could have walked away from all of this with the “well-meaning” doctors only able to wring their hands and fret. LESS THAN A YEAR, and the forced removal from her mother’s care would have been seen as ridiculous and pointless. But because she’s still a “minor”, she’s not allowed to decide for herself what she wants, and more frightening, her mother isn’t “allowed” to support that choice?

I don’t know what’s worse; the fact that a nearly-grown woman can’t make choices about her own body or the fact that a parent doesn’t have the right to honor their nearly-grown child’s choices if the state is in disagreement.

Either way, I am horrified that in 2015 this is the direction the laws have been going. I’m terrified that CPS can forcibly remove a child from their parents for doing nothing more than trying to honor that child’s right to bodily autonomy. That CPS can threaten to take your kid for not being willing to drag them, kicking and screaming, to the hospital to force them to undergo a painful treatment they DO NOT WANT.

When I was 10 years old I felt I had the right to bodily autonomy. This was the year of the Measles/Rubella outbreak and the need for another booster shot. I was just as needle-phobic then as I am now, and I really did not want this shot. However, I made the decision to suffer through it because the risk of Measles and Rubella seemed like something that I would be less likely to avoid, and contracting such an illness could have affected my unborn baby. In the end, I’m happy that I knew enough back then to get that shot because it saved me a lot of worry when I had my son and another Measles outbreak happened a month after his birth. The fact that I had those antibodies in my milk for him made me feel a lot better.

But that was the very last shot I ever chose to receive. The next year was the 3 doses of Hep B vaccinations and I chose not to get them. I felt that the risk of having unprotected sex would be not applicable to me since I would always use condoms until I chose to be in a monogamous relationship. I wouldn’t have to worry about contracting it from used needles because the whole reason I wasn’t getting the shot was because I was terrified of needles. Finally, because I didn’t travel I wasn’t worried about contracting the virus through a contaminated ice cube. As for the Tetanus shot a few years later, I turned that down as well. I felt that IF I somehow miraculously came into contact with it through a rusty nail or the dirt (not likely since I’m an “indoor” girl) then I would simply go to the hospital to get the shot then and there. But getting the shot just to prevent it when there was very little chance of me coming into contact with it and there being a shot available if I needed it, I felt the anxiety to me wasn’t worth the shot.

I remember at 11 and 14 years old highlighting a passage in the information pamphlet stating that “if the minor seems to understand the risk and benefits of the immunization, they may decide for themselves whether they wish to receive it”. I showed this to my dad, feeling secure in my new-found knowledge that I could in fact say NO to anything I did not want. He thankfully supported my decision. He may not have been in agreement with it (in fact, I would have to get into several debates with various family members over my refusal even well into adulthood) but he didn’t force me. I even recall him speaking over the phone to the health nurse who had called to ask why the permission form had not been returned to the school and whether we intended to make an appointment outside of school hours. My dad basically told her “She doesn’t want it. Yes, she understands the risks, but she is more than capable of deciding for herself what she wants at this age and I cannot force her.” This was in the year 2000, and that nurse never bothered us after that phone call. It terrifies me to wonder what would have happened if I was 14 years old today, making that same choice. Would I have been able to avoid those needles or would my dad have lost custody of me so that the government could strap me down and force me to comply?

As a mother, though, this court ruling is even more frightening. It means that I cannot truly protect MY children, because if they make a choice that the system doesn’t agree with, I could lose my kids. Or if not me, then other mothers still stand to lose theirs in the states where these rulings are happening. It doesn’t matter if it’s in my own backyard or not; the fact is that regardless of whether these things happen in the US, England, Ireland, or here in Canada, they shouldn’t be. We should NOT be condoning these choices of the state overruling someone else’s choices for bodily autonomy, or overruling the rights of the parents to allow their children these rights to decide for themselves what they want. Because where do we draw the line? Already we have mothers being forced into c-sections and kids being taken away from loving homes because these mothers decide to either support their child’s choices or because they choose to go against doctor’s advice during pregnancy. When we can’t even be allowed to make choices for our own bodies then we no longer have any real freedom. And if WE can be forced into compliance, then we no longer have the ability to protect our children.

The boogeyman has never been more real than he is today, but he’s not hiding in our closets or under our bed; he’s sitting in plain site in court robes and hammering down verdicts that allow others to strap us down and cut us against our will.

While at the playground with my son I watched a father with his four year old daughter. At one point she said she was a ninja, and a few minutes later she said she was a princess. The dad said “which one are you? A ninja or a princess? You can’t be both!” Without thinking about it I chimed in at the same time as that little girl did with “sure you can! Ninja princess!” It was as obvious to her as it was to me, and yet the dad looked at me as if I had just said a string of curse words or told his daughter where babies came from. He said “I would like to win SOME arguments” and it was pretty much implied that I should know my place.

There are so many things I would have liked to tell that father. The main thing of course would have been that an argument about whether or not his little girl can be a ninja AND a princess is NOT one that he should want to “win”. The second thing being that part of the reason why feminism is so divisive in our society is precisely because we, as women, are expected to be one or the other. Either we’re a ninja OR we’re a princess. We can’t be both.

Well to that I ask, why the hell not?

Who says that a strong woman who knows her own mind and wants to be treated like a whole human being can’t also do so while being pretty? Maybe it’s because I grew up in the time of Girl Power when strong and independent women were all over the media. I grew up with Buffy, the Spice Girls, and Xena. My Disney Princesses were strong and confident; they didn’t NEED a man, but they also weren’t opposed to the idea when love presented itself to them. I never was made to feel like being a strong woman ultimately meant that I couldn’t also have true love. Dressing pretty or sexy wasn’t about attracting a man, it was about dressing to accentuate the parts of me that I was proud of. I liked my long legs, so I wore skirts. I loved the look (and sound) of heels so I wore those too. I put on makeup every once in a while because the eye shadows and lipsticks made my eyes pop and my rosebud lips stood out more. I didn’t do it for a man or for anyone else but ME! I never followed the crowd and I grew into a strong, independent woman AND I stood firm on my feminist viewpoint, all while wearing pink and being super “girlie”. So it is just so perplexing to me that so many women get pissed off whenever the “girl’s version” of anything is pink or ultra feminine.

Give me the male version of this toy and paint it in these colors, and I’m happy.

Now I know what a lot of women are going to say on this subject. The argument is always that girls’ versions of things are always pink and flowery and that it’s sexist. A lot of feminists are pegged as hating “princess culture” too. But I just don’t get that. I am feminist and I am also a princess. I love pink and pretty things. When I wear heels and put on lipstick I feel powerful. I feel like nothing and no one can intimidate me, and indeed the sound of my heels clicking on the pavement can sound pretty intimidating.

But recently there was another outrage in the feminist community over some halloween costumes at Value Village. The male version of the costume (which was only “male” due to the fact that a boy was modeling it in the picture) was what a typical firefighter/police officer would wear. The female version was a dress. Now, I agree the skirt shouldn’t have been that short on a little girl. That was my husband’s initial thought too when he saw that outfit, however he was confused as to what was “wrong” with the little boy’s outfit, because it looked fine and he didn’t get why they were even showing it next to the girl’s version. I explained that it wasn’t really about the shortness of the skirt, but the fact that the costumes for boys and girls were “different” at all. And honestly, I think that even if the costumes had been the same style-wise, but the girl’s one had been pink, that would have caused outrage too. And that’s where you lose me. Had that skirt been made longer and the outfit itself a little less sexualized, then I would have said it was perfectly appropriate. Because who says that a little girl who wants to dress up as a police officer can’t look like Officer Jenny without getting flack for it?

Well, okay, maybe not EXACTLY like Officer Jenny.

But you get what I’m saying, right? We should be allowed to pick the pretty version if that’s the one we like better and not have any judgment. It should STILL be an option, regardless of whether or not other women want to be “pretty”. Because I know that for me, I would like to have that option available. When I was a tween I wore a flouncy skirt over my gym shorts because I liked the “cheerleader” look better than the athletic look. The other kids gave me a lot of flack for it but I didn’t care. Technically I had shorts on underneath and the skirt was one I could easily run and jump in, so what was the harm? After all, it was no different than something a cheerleader would wear, and I hated gym class as it was. So if I HAD to participate in sports I wanted to do so on my own terms, in my own way, and being a “princess” made the whole hour much more enjoyable. So who was I hurting?

Once again it comes down to choice. And in this case, if I’m choosing between a “normal” version of a Halloween costume and the prettified, princess version, I will pick the skirt and heels every time. I’m not picking the skirt and heels because of any sense that I’m “supposed to” and I’m not picking it because it’s the only “appropriate” option. I’m doing it because I LIKE the skirt and heels. Does that mean I’m not really feminist? No. Does it make me any less opposed to oppression? Absolutely not. But a lot of the things I like get attacked constantly. Whenever a “girl” version of anything is made, people complain about it. They get so pissed off that there is a pink version of something that has no business being pink in the first place. There was a “training to be Batman’s wife” tee shirt and people lost their shit over it. Now I think that there should have also been an option to BE Batman, which would have made it more equal, but you know, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be Batman’s wife. Batman is pretty attractive. That’s why Catwoman loves him. And hey, here’s a thought, why not give us Wonder Woman and Catwoman as options too? Why does “princess” automatically mean “sexist”?

I’d explain what’s wrong with this assumption but that would take another blog post.

Personally I think that there’s nothing wrong with the princess version. It’s cute. But I do agree about equality. So here’s a thought! Why not include more “neutral” colors for little girls in the color palet? Why not have jewel tones or earth tones mixed in with the pink stuff? Why not keep the Nerf guns all together in the same section without a label saying that the colors are for boys or girls? Why not include pink and purple as simple color options the way that Nintendo has a non-gender specific way of including pink and purple controllers and game consoles? Why not just get the “boy” version for your daughter of the Halloween costume? Boy and girl clothes really don’t fit any differently, after all. And how about we have some non gendered costumes thrown in as well, and then let people choose which one they like best. Even if it means she likes the princess version better. And if she says she wants to marry Batman (or any male superhero/prince/male icon) that doesn’t mean she’s going to be a weak willed woman. I think it’s pretty obvious by now (or it should be) that strong women can and DO fall in love. I mean, unless these anti-princess women are all conceiving through immaculate conception then they have obviously found value in being a wife and mother, right? I can’t be the only woman who feels this way, can I?

It’s time we stop automatically assuming that being a princess means we aren’t empowered. It’s actually quite insulting to tell us that we can’t be strong and empowered and still embrace some of the more feminine/domestic aspects of ourselves.

I am a feminist. I also enjoy being a stay at home mom.

I believe women should be paid the same wage for the same work and not be fired or overlooked for a position simply because they might want kids someday. I also don’t have any desire to work outside the home while raising my children.

I am outraged by rape culture. I also enjoy dressing sexy for myself and my hubby.

I am a strong, independent woman with a mind of her own. I also have no problem with my husband wanting to help me or protect me.

I believe that women do not “need” a man to save them. I also believe that there’s nothing wrong with wanting to find your prince.

That’s the beauty of true empowerment! I don’t feel like I need to be one or the other; I don’t have to choose between the two sides of myself. Indeed I can be a warrior AND a princess, and no one is going to tell me I can’t. My only hope is for that little girl on the playground to stay strong in her convictions that she can be a ninja princess, and maybe teach her dad the lesson that so many people need to learn. Maybe we can’t “have it all”, but we should at least be free to choose our own paths; even if that means we prefer to fight our battles in a skirt and high heels.

For the record, I love men. Some of the most important people in my life are male. I was raised by my dad, my younger brother continues to be my best friend, my son is the light in my life and my husband is my soulmate. My uncles and my poppa are my greatest protectors. I am very happy in a male-dominated setting, provided those men see me as their equal. But for argument’s sake, let’s just pretend for a second that I hate men. Let’s pretend that every single thing that is hated about women was actually used to criticize men.

Why? Because I’m sick of the misogyny in our culture and sarcasm and mockery is my greatest weapon against stupid arguments.

The big arguments of the Men’s Rights Assholes (see what I did there?) are so hypocritical that I often wonder how they can take themselves seriously.

So today I’m turning those arguments around, to show how ridiculous they are. The following is a compilation of every single misogynist comment I’ve ever heard or read, with a twist! They’re all directed at men instead of women. Behold!

Men are all horn dogs out to get laid. They only wear leather jackets and muscle shirts and tight jeans that show off their penises to get attention, and we women are powerless to control ourselves at such an obvious display. And then we sit in class or at work having to look at those men flaunting their bodies and all the while knowing they’re only doing it to tease us. The good looking men only ever go out with the hot chicks, and never a regular girl. And if we’re super nice to those guys they only ever see us as a friend or else they’ll cheat on us when something better comes along. And they never appreciate what we do for them whether it’s make dinner or some other thing that society has told us is feminine that men are supposed to like. But they tell us they like that shit and expect it, and then we do it and it’s not good enough! Or we’re smothering them. They insist they can “take care of themselves” and don’t “need” us. Make up your goddamn minds already! Either we treat you like gods or we let you be equal to us; you can’t have it both ways sweetheart! And god help us of we’re not a perfect female specimen because then we’re just no use to these shallow assholes. Men are just good for being a good fuck and then maybe a sperm donor, but even then I can’t wait for the day when we can replace men with robots. I mean, living with men is impossible because they all think with their dicks and are crazy moody and irrational. They are all money hungry skirt chasers and expect us to wait on them without complaint, and we work our asses off while they get to sit on the couch drinking a beer and watching TV. And they never listen. It’s no wonder women beat the shit out of their husbands! How can anyone deal with these idiots? I mean you tell them something and they should just listen the first time instead of constantly thinking they know better than you do. The men’s rights groups are all just a bunch of whiny men who are overloaded with testosterone and we all know testosterone makes men stupid. Honestly they are totally useless except for being sperm donors. And how dare they decide to go get vasectomies without involving their women in the decisions. I mean, shouldn’t we have a right to choose whether or not that man gets to decide he’s done having kids? If he didn’t want to be a father then he shouldn’t have fucked that woman in the first place! Man whore! And who cares if condoms aren’t 100% effective. He shouldn’t be having all that sex with all those women if he doesn’t want to have to pay child support and take responsibility! I am so tired of these men whining about knocking up their one night stands and having to pay child support! That’s why you shouldn’t fuck random women dumb ass. Save that shit for when you’re married and ready to actually support a family. And speaking of family, that’s the problem with all these men today. They all want careers and freedom and totally ignore the fact that nature intended for them to be dads. They are supposed to settle down with one woman and have kids and stop being entitled pricks, but instead they all have to be self serving and only in it for the money and then cheat when they get bored. Who needs men when a vibrator is so much better at getting us off anyway? At least the vibrator doesn’t ask for validation afterward! And don’t even get me started on how they all whine about “unrealistic expectations”. I mean, they expect US to stay thin and dress up for them and yet when WE suggest they lose weight or put a little effort into their appearance suddenly we’re oppressing them. FFS! They all talk about equality and being treated as a whole person instead of just a sex object, but look how they expect US to act and dress! Men’s Rights! People are starving in other countries and all these entitled house-husbands have nothing better to do than whine about how oppressed they are just because they aren’t being taken seriously enough. You want me to take you seriously? Stop whining and actually do all the same shit that women do and see who REALLY has it harder!

Lol. That was kind of fun, not gonna lie. But seriously, I think I did a pretty good job of covering most of the crap hate speech thrown at women. And really, when you rewrite it against the opposite sex it sounds plain ridiculous and insane…which is exactly my point. It IS ridiculous and insane, and yet our culture perpetuates that thinking every day.

Women are still “asking for” sexual attention whenever they dress a certain way.

Women are still selfish for wanting to control their own reproduction.

Women are bitches because they don’t go out with the “normal guys”.

Women cheat because “something better came along” or are automatically going to cheat if the opportunity presents itself.

Women are sluts if they enjoy a sexual relationship with more than a few people, especially when that sex is had without necessarily expecting a commitment.

Women are to blame for unwanted pregnancy because they shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.

Women are to blame for the violence against them because of how they act.

Women are slaves to their emotions/hormones.

All these things said about women, constantly, in many different ways. Misogyny is either blatantly obvious or disguised as “concern for our moral society”, but it’s still hatred for women, just as every stupid thing I said in that “rant” is hatred for men. The only difference between that and what the true misogynists say is that I don’t actually believe what I wrote is true.

Because obviously not all men cheat and not all men think with their dicks all the time. And not all men are gods worthy of praise either. The fact is that regardless of which set of genitals people are born with, we are all human. We all have the capacity to be awesome or to be assholes to each other. Both men AND women cheat. Both sexes are capable of deception and even rape. Both sexes can be abusive. Both sexes can be selfish. Neither sex is inherently better or worse, smarter or stupider, weak or strong. We are just humans with different sets of sex organs that nature designed in such a way so that we could mate and propagate the species. And that doesn’t mean that we are slaves to that biology or that we should use our hormones as an excuse.

But then again, what do I know? I’m just an entitled whore living off her hard-working husband’s money and complaining about oppression that doesn’t exist because I’m irrational and on my period. ;p

Sigh, why are we still dealing with this stupidity? It seems yet another mother has been asked to cover up at yet another restaurant, this time Tim Horton’s. And out come the idiots who are “all for breastfeeding, but please be ‘decent’ about it” or “considerate” or “respectful” or some other bullshit.

And it IS bullshit, people. I am SO freaking tired of this argument because it is SO backwards.

Somebody please explain to me how this is totally okay:

Or this

Or any number of Rolling Stone Magazine covers, like this

But when a mother whips out her breast to feed her baby and has the “audacity” not to cover up, that’s indecent?

But now? Society has officially gone insane and any woman who chooses to feed her child in the way nature intended is expected to be discreet about it. I’m sorry, but that’s just ridiculous.

Do we honestly believe that cave mothers worried about covering up so as not to offend the other cave people around her? Do we honestly believe that our great, great, great, great grandmothers ever told each other “cover up before you offend someone”? No. I don’t think they did. Why? Because before the formula companies came into the picture we had mothers nursing their babies and possibly wet-nursing for mothers who were either unable to produce milk or who had died. In the past, breasts were food for babies and toddlers, not playthings for men.

In the past, there was artwork that celebrated breasts for their actual purpose. Like this

And would you look at that? Full nipple exposure. No big deal.

Don’t get me wrong, if a mom wants to cover up then I’m not going to tell her she can’t. That’s her choice to make, after all. But if she doesn’t, well you have two choices. Either avert your eyes and pretend not to notice, or just keep doing what you were doing before and treat the nursing as nothing more out of the ordinary than if a mother pulled out a bottle. Because all she’s doing is feeding her child. And yes, I deliberately said ‘child’ and not ‘baby’. Because nursing toddlers is also not a big deal.

Know what else isn’t a big deal? This

Yes, I’m breastfeeding my son in this picture. Guess what? I’m actually showing far less skin here than I used to in my early twenties. In fact, most of my low cut tops would often expose a little bit less than this, but not a whole lot less.

I posted this photo to Birth Anarchy last week and got a bit of flack for it from my husband. He said it was wrong to do so because there are perverts out there. You know what? I don’t care. That’s not my problem. There are people who get turned on by feet, too. Does that mean I can’t snap a picture of my cute high heels? No, it does not.

Why did I post this photo? Because it’s the first step to normalizing breastfeeding. See, if we keep getting told to cover up, that’s not going to solve anything. That’s not normal, people. Seeing breasts as only sexual is NOT normal. The fact is we NEED to see boobs being used for their actual purpose and we NEED to stop shaming women into covering up.

This is MY body and these are MY boobs, and I’m not ashamed. Actually, I’m pretty damn proud of these boobs, even though they aren’t as perky as they were in my early 20s. But that’s not why I show this picture. I show this picture because this is ME now. This is a sight you are likely to see if you invite me and my son over or come to visit. My son is not going to care what your thoughts are on modesty. All he’s going to care about is nursing when he wants to, and he absolutely will, at some point, climb into my lap and pull down my shirt. He’s very good at pulling my breast out whenever he wants it, and often when I least expect it. So I have one of two choices. I can either be ashamed of my body and hide in a bedroom for the duration of my son’s nursing years (and the nursing years of my next child), or I can be confident and just nurse my son whenever and wherever. I choose option #2 because it’s easier. Besides, there are far sexier pictures of me out there…

But seriously, who cares if someone looks? I’ve got nice boobs; might as well enjoy them while I still got ’em. I’m not going to be young forever, after all ;p

Now that rally day has officially come and gone I can finally take a breather and relax…somewhat. I mean, I can’t TRULY relax since I have a toddler who has all the qualities of both me AND my husband. In other words, he does what he likes, won’t take “no” for an answer, and will totally go and do the thing you told him not to do (for the hundredth time) just to show you that you don’t have the right to tell him what to do. Yeah, this is going to be a fun 18 years, for sure. But hey, if it means he grows up to be as stubborn and driven as his parents, then at least I won’t have to worry about society destroying his spirit. At least he won’t grow up thinking that any of this oppression is okay.

And really, that’s all I really want. If my son grows up to be mindful of the fact that NO ONE has total authority of him, and that he in turn has no authority over anyone else, then at least I’ll have done my part to raise one less asshole human being.

Because seriously people? There are WAY too many assholes in this world right now, and we as mothers of the next generation of tiny humans need to make sure that these humans don’t grow up to be assholes like our current generation.

How do we do that? Well, for starters, how about we look at how we’re treating others; specifically other women.

See, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but women are pretty much treated as lesser beings in our world, and it’s not just the men who are doing it. WE ARE DOING IT TO EACH OTHER.

Every time a woman wears something “provocative”, she is told to “cover up”. Every time a woman chooses to whip out a breast, sans cover, to feed her infant, there is a very good chance that someone, somewhere, has something to say about it.

“Why can’t she go somewhere else/be more modest/have some decency and not expose us to that?”

If a mother speaks out about abuses or mistreatment in the delivery room, or refuses to comply with her care provider’s orders, she is a “bad mother”, “willfully endangering her child for her birth experience”. She is expected to lie down, shut up, and submit to whatever the “expert” wishes of her “for the sake of her child”.

If a woman takes naked photos of herself to send to her husband and those photos are stolen and put on the internet, it is “her own fault for taking them in the first place”.

If a mother chooses to share a photo of herself breastfeeding her child, someone will “warn her” that there are perverts out there and that she shouldn’t be doing that.

We are taught from an early age not to ever walk home alone after dark, to never go to parties or a club without a group of friends, to never “invite” unwanted attention in the first place. We are taught that what happens to us is entirely based on how we act, dress, or present ourselves to the rest of the world.

We are expected to remain chaste, innocent, modest, and demure. Those of us who do not fit into this mold are branded as “bad girls” or “fallen women”. We’re “damaged goods”. We’re “sluts” if we enjoy sex without necessarily wanting a commitment. We’re “immodest” if we choose to embrace our bodies and flaunt our curves instead of covering up. Yes, even in the summer, when less clothing means more comfort, we’re expected to be “decent” about it. There are entire dress codes based around this premise that a woman showing “too much” skin is indecent.

Worse, we are taught to shame women who do not conform and fall into line. When a story is shared of a woman being victimized, be it rape or mistreatment by a care provider, the growing consensus seems to be that it was “her fault”. “If she’d only done her research/hired a different provider/not worn that revealing outfit/not consumed alcohol/not flirted with those guys/not been so “difficult”/ not had such unrealistic expectations, maybe it wouldn’t have happened.” Or they will say “there has to be more to this story than what’s being said here. There had to be a reason this happened.”

No, there is no REASON for any of this to happen other than the fact that the attacker, be it a rapist or a doctor, is an asshole who thinks that woman’s body belongs to him (or her). There is no other explanation for the fact that too often society seems to assume that a woman is to blame for what happens to her.

And you know the real horror in this? OTHER WOMEN ARE THE ONES BLAMING THE VICTIMS. It’s not men who are saying “she should have known better.” If it were only men, then at least we would be able to unite against our oppressors, but it’s not. It’s other women, our sisters, our mothers, our friends. It’s other women who are saying “just be good and obedient and accept that this is the way things are.”

Well I’m calling bullshit on all of it! I’m here to say that the problem is not women not doing what they “should be” and it’s not men being evil. It’s PEOPLE. PEOPLE are being evil and cruel and it’s not because we were born that way and it’s not because this is how it’s always been. It’s because we, as a society, do not value women as human beings. And as much as I hate to blame the parents, in this case it IS the parents who are to blame.

We are the ones teaching our kids to de-value women. We teach our daughters to de-value themselves every time we put the responsibility on THEM to protect themselves from rape. Instead we should be teaching our sons not to rape. We should teach them not to oppress. We should teach them to respect women, not for what they can do for them, but simply because they are human beings.

Instead of teaching our daughters about body image, we should be teaching our sons that women are not here for decoration. We do not OWE them something pretty to look at. Our sexuality does not belong to them.

We should teach our sons that breasts have a real and important function. They exist so we can feed our babies. Breasts are not inherently sexual; our society has simply made them that way. Every time we tell a mother to cover up, we are further instilling that belief into our children. Every time we insist that nudity on TV needs to be censored, that it’s inappropriate, we make it a forbidden fruit. Instead we should be desensitizing our society to nudity, making it so commonplace that a naked woman is no longer a big deal.

Imagine, for a moment, if nudity was so common on beaches and on TV that people didn’t even bat an eye. Imagine if we were so saturated with naked breasts that, much like after watching a couple seasons of HBO, we no longer reacted at all to their display. Imagine if a woman could whip out her breast in a crowded, public place to feed her child and no one even noticed. Imagine if no one cared.

Imagine if nudity was so commonplace that no one would bother to steal photos of naked celebrities. Imagine if there was never a mention of a nip slip or accidental exposure. That seeing a naked breast on screen or in real life was as exciting as seeing an elbow or a knee cap. Imagine if no one cared?

Imagine if a woman in labor was treated as the sole decision maker, supported in whatever choices she makes, and that any violation of this by care providers was met with public outrage and a cry for that doctor to be fired immediately. Imagine if no one ever said “I’m sure there’s more to the story” or “that mother was being selfish”.

Imagine if a woman could wear a low cut top or short skirt or even just pasties and a thong and not once have a man catcall her.

Imagine if we stopped telling our daughters not to drink at parties/flirt with boys and lead them on/dress provocatively and instead taught our sons not to assume that just because a girl is talking to them it mean that she owes him sexual access to her later. That sometimes when a girl wants to be his friend she really just wants to be friends, and that’s okay. What if we taught our sons to simply be nice to women without expecting anything in return. That being chivalrous is a good quality NOT because it will ensure he gets a girlfriend, but because it’s polite! What if we taught our boys that no matter what they do or how “nice” they are, or how handsome they are, the world does not owe them a beautiful woman. That women are free to make their own choices and that one cannot “win” someone else as a mate because women are not prizes to be won.

What if we taught our children that men and women are deserving of the same rights and privileges, regardless of how they act or look. Regardless of whether they are mothers or fathers, husbands or wives, and regardless of whether they are promiscuous or celibate. What if we truly taught our children not to judge, instead of merely paying lip service. What if we stopped blaming the victims and taught our children that while it is always a good idea to be careful, that they are never to blame for an attack or violation. What if our daughters never felt shame over their bodies due to the comments of someone else? What if they grew up with the freedom to embrace their sexuality without also fearing an attack from a man? What if instead of being told to “save themselves for marriage”, girls were told that they are in control of their own sexuality and it is THEIR choice whom they share it with. What if we stopped expecting the oppressed to behave a certain way and instead focused on the behaviors and expectations of the oppressors?

It may seem like I’m talking about a utopia that could never exist, but it could. It could easily exist in just a few generations if we as mothers took the responsibility upon ourselves and stopped attacking one another. If we stopped assuming that the victims are to blame for their situation, stopped condemning other women for their choices, stopped insisting that some women are just “asking for it” and instead turned to our sons and told them “this will never be okay” in response to a story of abuse. If we told our children that their bodies belong to them and them alone, that they don’t owe anyone anything and that in turn no one owes them anything. That being kind and considerate is expected of them not because it will win them friends or a mate, but simply because being an asshole won’t be tolerated.

I know it’s not going to happen. I know I’m delusional to think that things could ever change for the better. After all, we’re still far too busy hating each other and condemning our sisters for choices we could never make for ourselves. We’re too busy assuming that other women don’t care as much as we do, or that they’re selfishly only thinking of themselves and their comfort over that of everyone else. And again I must point out that we don’t owe anyone anything. I am not responsible for your comfort or your happiness. I do NOT have to cover up and sacrifice my comfort for yours. If you do not want to see me breastfeeding my child, then don’t look. If you wouldn’t make the same choices I make in how I birth my child, then don’t make those choices. No one is forcing you to agree with anyone or make the same decisions they made, but for crying out loud show a little compassion! Stop focusing on what the victim could have done differently and instead focus on the attacker and how wrong they were to violate a fellow human being.

And then maybe we’ll actually manage to raise a generation of kids who don’t all grow up to be assholes.