Wednesday, November 02, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer in the planet...!

A Florida man was arrested after throwing his artificial eye
at hospital workers. He is just hoping the court doesn’t sentence him under “an
eye for an eye.”

A poll says half of all Americans are stressed out by the
upcoming presidential election, saying it has resulted in anxiety, depression
and insomnia. The other half already had those symptoms from the economy, job
market and global warming.

Mel Gibson says it is time Hollywood forgave him. To which
Hollywood says it will forgive him when he completes the necessary penance to
have everyone look the other way. Make another blockbuster hit.

Bono made Glamour’s list of Women of the Year. Apparently
they finally noticed those oversized, pink tinted glasses he has been wearing
the past 20 years.

Bono made Glamour’s list of Women of the Year. It looks like
even the women’s magazines are getting tired of giving all their attention to
Caitlyn Jenner.

Bono made Glamour’s list of Women of the Year. So they finally
recognize a male rocker and it’s the one who has never embraced Spandex.

Bono made Glamour’s list of Women of the Year. At least it
makes up a little after the realization he will never make the cover of Bicycle
Times.

Bono made Glamour’s list of Women of the Year. Apparently he
was chosen after their first picks of Michael Jackson, David Bowie and Prince
all died.

Pope Francis I says women will be banned from the priesthood
forever. Or at least as long as they have a legal fund large enough to cover
the settlements they have to make concerning the behavior of their male
priests.

A robot can reportedly lay bricks to complete the shell of a
building in two days, which is weeks faster than it takes humans. Which means
houses can now be built by robots almost as fast as their cousins the
robo-signers are able to put them through foreclosure.

Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte says he wants U.S.
troops out of his country within two years. Which is no big deal as the only
reason they were in the Philippineswas
to make invading a lot easier in case we ever discovered oil there.

Cuba is reportedly falling short of its foreign investment
goals. Mostly because investors are having trouble finding anything there to
put their money in other than cigars, rafts and 1957 Chevys.

Cuba is reportedly falling short of its foreign investment
goals. Although it is still better than the $47 that has been raised so far by
local investors.

Bill Cosby’s lawyers want to suppress testimony where the
comedian spoke of giving drugs to women before sex. Which is otherwise known
from 1968 to 1980 as pretty much his comedy routine.

A Florida college student suspected of killing a couple says
he “ate something bad” that turned out to be human flesh. What did he expect eating
another Floridian other than a plateful of pretty much just fat, gristle and
sun toughened skin?

A Florida college student suspected of killing a couple says
he “ate something bad” that turned out to be human flesh. Apparently the
problem was that he ate an American which went against his strict low-salt
diet.

A group of 370 economists, including a Nobel Prize winner
wrote a letter saying electing Donald Trump would be dangerous for the country.
People were surprised. There are 370 people who found work as economists?

A group of 370 economists, including a Nobel Prize winner
wrote a letter saying electing Donald Trump would be dangerous for the country,
claiming he promotes “magical thinking and conspiracy theories.” That means he
goes even further than Ronald Reagan and has a platform that is literally based
on “Voodoo economics.”

Google’s voice activated Android assistant can be used to
cast “Harry Potter” spells to control your phone. However, even magic spells
are not working for people who are customers of AT&T wishing to complete
just one phone call.

A survey says that Americans’ confidence in the economy is
steady going into the election. Of course, it’s all going to go right out the
window when they see the results after the polls close.

Google says a bug in Microsoft Windows could give hackers
control of users’ computers. Although the users say they would just be happy to
see someone be able to boot up their computer that is operating on Windows 7.

A report says that truckers are getting the biggest pay
raises of any American workers at 7.8%. Which is needed to pay for the ever
increasing cost of business for truckers in keeping up their supplies of
antacids, amphetamines and Preparation H.

Companies are facing lawsuits over website access to blind
Internet users. The only question is what are they supposed to do, come up with
a monitor that has a screen that works in Braille?

Arby’s says it sold out all its venison sandwiches in the
first day they were offered in Nashville. The restaurant chain says the limited
offer brought in lots of doe.

The Banc of California is under pressure to investigate its
links to a convicted con man. Their defense is that if they really wanted to be
run by a group of con men they would have done business as the Banc of Wall
Street.

The Banc of California is under pressure to investigate its
links to a convicted con man. Suspicions were raised when the Banc of California
was formed by someone who couldn’t even spell “bank.”

Scottish brewery Innis & Gunn has unveiled a beer made
with only cloud water. That sounds like a marketing gimmick. Doesn’t all water
at one time come from a cloud?

Scottish brewery Innis & Gunn has unveiled a beer made
with only cloud water. What is more natural than a drink that goes straight
from the sky into the urinal?

A Chicago riverfront Apple Store will cost an estimated $62
Million. That means to get their money back, the store will have to sell as
many as 4 iPhones, 7 iPads and a dozen Apple Watches.

A study says having a stressed out mate is bad for a
person’s weight. Especially if the person is stressed out over the continued
rising cost of the couple’s food bill.

A review of studies shows that when research on sodas is
funded by the beverage industry, it doesn’t mention a link to obesity or
diabetes. The beverage industry says that also just like their customers, the
review just doesn’t have any teeth.

A study says mixing energy drinks and alcohol causes brain
changes in mice. Mostly in causing them to come out of the walls and challenge
the nearest cat to a fistfight.

Experts say that kids 6 and older should be screened for
obesity. Which pretty much means that someone has to look at them and check
them off if they are fat.

A study says the upcoming presidential election is causing
people to lose sleep. Which may work out if everyone is so tired by election
day that they can’t wake up to vote and nobody wins.

A study says a person’s DNA determines when they become
parents and how many kids they have. Which means people who become parents
young and have lots of kids have DNA that makes them too dumb to learn about
birth control.

A study says a person’s DNA determines when they become
parents and how many kids they have. Which means the DNA that causes people to
become parents young and have lots of kids is also the same DNA that gives them
the ability to sink a 25 foot fall-away jump shot.

A surgery patient in Japan was severely burned after passing
gas during the operation that caused a laser to ignite. That’s the last time
the hospital ever allows any outside food to be brought in from Taco Bell.

Researchers say they have new hope in the fight against
superbugs with discoveries of the properties of the milk of Tasmanian devils.
Apparently the milk has shown great promise in the way it helps heal the people
who have tried to get milk from a Tasmanian devil.

A study says teeth cleanings could prevent people from
catching pneumonia. The question is to do that, how far down the throat are dental
hygienists going when they brush their patients’ teeth?

A report says doctors are one of the least likely groups to
vote. Mostly because they see that no matter who wins the election, the country
on November 8th will pretty much be DOA.

Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna are planning to film the birth
of their baby for a TV special and large payout. The large payout will be an
advance from the therapists who will be treating all the people who actually
sit down to watch it.

Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna are planning to film the birth
of their baby for a TV special and large payout. The special will feature
ongoing commentary from the mother, obstetrician and the baby’s agent.

Mariah Carey and her ex-husband Nick Cannon have reportedly
finished their divorce settlement. The timing was perfect as it now gives Carey
time to try to hit up her ex-boyfriend billionaire James Packer for some money
after their breakup.

Tiger Woods says he will play in the Hero World Challenge
golf tournament in the Bahamas next month. He says his game has been coming
along since the last time he played competitively more than a year ago. He says
so far he has mastered the windmill hole but still has a little trouble with the
clown’s mouth.

NBA star Ray Allen has officially announced his retirement.
Although how official do you have to make it when you are 41 years old and
haven’t played an NBA game since 2014?

Data says that Cubs fans have been sleeping better than
Cleveland fans during this World Series. Mostly because a few baseball games
aren’t going to disrupt the sleep habits of people who fall asleep every night
to the sounds of sporadic gunfire, car crashes and bloodcurdling screams.

Data says that Cubs fans have been sleeping better than
Cleveland fans during this World Series. How nervous is anyone going to get
about the chance of winning the ‘Series after having 108 years to prepare for
it?

The British are planning to spend $3 Billion to boost their
cyber defense system. Apparently government officials want to prevent secrets
from being stolen, national security from being compromised and mostly keep
WikiLeaks from exposing any of their embarrassing personal e-mails.

Samsung’s CEO is asking if employee complacency led to the
company’s Note 7 crisis. As opposed to maybe the company executives being
responsible for not testing an inferior product completely before rushing it
out on the market.

The KKK’s official newspaper has come out in support of
Donald Trump. People were shocked. KKK members can read?

The KKK’s official newspaper has come out in support of
Donald Trump. No one even knew there was going to be an endorsement this time
from the New York Post.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tonight is Game 7 of
the World Series. Or as Dodger fans call that, missed it by that much again. On
one hand there is Chicago, trying to erase the stigma of not winning a title in
108 years. On the other hand there is Cleveland, trying to erase the stigma of
being from Cleveland. I say let the best team win. Which for me is pretty much
anyone other than the Giants. I don’t really have a favorite this time. I just
count on getting satisfaction every time you all remember to always keep on
sending the love!

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