We`re Saving A Spot For Rovers And Fidos

A manufacturer of dog food, in conjunction with the 100th anniversary of the American Kennel Club, has sponsored a survey of the most popular names among American dogs.

The winner is Rover. Spot is second.

Somehow that is reassuring. If I had been asked to guess, I would have predicted that the most popular names for American dogs in the `80s were probably Lance, Barry, Cyndi, Zoom-Zoom, Crawdaddy, Crochet . . . names like that.

I would have guessed, in other words, that the era of the good, solid, generic dog name was over.

It`s nice to be wrong. I like the idea that of all the dogs scampering across the American landscape, Rover is the most popular name.

But I`m so surprised that I have a nagging suspicion that the competition was fixed. When was the last time that you met a dog named Rover? I don`t think that Kal Kan, the dog-food manufacturer that sponsored the contest, wanted to tell the American people that it had combed the countryside and had found that the most popular name among dogs was Springsteen.

No, I can envision the folks at Kal Kan sitting around, looking at the legitimate list of favorite `80s dog names--Taos, Spock, Trendola--and the chairman of the board of the company slamming his fist down on the conference table and saying:

``Gentlemen, we must take a stand! We owe it to our country to protect the citizens from this distressing information! Put out a press release! Damn the real results! We will tell the American public that the favorite dog name is . . .``

A silence. The chairman thinks back across the years, to the nostalgic memory of his happy boyhood.

``. . . Rover!``

More silence at the table.

``And the second-favorite name is . . .``

More silence. More warm thoughts of boyhood.

``. . . Spot!``

And so the press release was drafted, and the nation was informed that Rover and Spot were the favorte names for American dogs in the `80s. At which point the Kal Kan board of directors went home and were greeted at their front doors by their own dogs: Jermaine, Ferraro, Tuna Melt and Sid.

I know from my own experience that Rover, while perhaps the favorite dog name of the `30s, `40s and `50s, is not really the favorite dog name of the

`80s. When we were growing up, we all lived next door to people whose dogs were named Rover; now, more often than not, our neighbors` dogs are named Guccione or Tennis.

When I was a boy, my first dog was a little white mutt named Fido. In the middle of Ohio in the middle of the 1950s, that was the perfect name for a dog. You would almost expect the summer fill-in mailman to stroll up the front walk for the first time, smile as he put the Saturday Evening Post in the mailbox, and say, ``Hi, son! What`s that dog`s name? Bet it`s Fido!``

But the era of Rovers and Spots and Fidos is long gone; now it is unlikely that a contemporary mail carrier ever would venture a guess that a homeowner`s dog was named Fido, although it is not inconceivable that a large number of today`s mail carriers are named Fido.

Today when a youngster goes to school and stands up during show-and-tell time to inform his classmates about his adventures with his dog, it is likely that he will be talking about the adventures of Taco or Spielberg or Sin.

And when he dreams of heroic dogs--dogs that belong in the movies, up there on the silver screen--he undoubtedly does not dream of Lassie or Lad or Rin Tin Tin. The superdogs that dance across his dreams at night probably are named Salad or Nautilus or Fern.

It`s probably good for America, though, that the dog-food company is saying that the favorite dog names are Rover and Spot. We are supposed to be in an era of a return to traditional values, and maybe if people read enough stories saying that the favorite dog names are Rover and Spot, they will go home at night and say, ``Cappuccino, you are now Rover!`` or ``Nike, you are now Spot!``

But even if people start doing that, there`s no way it can last. We may go through a few new years of Rovers and Spots and Fidos, but then the trend will reverse itself again and you will start seeing dogs name Beach and Psychiatrist and Terrence.

So don`t be too hard on that dog-food company for putting out the word that Rover and Spot are the most popular names for American dogs. The company is just doing its bit to raise the nation`s morale, and that seems like a harmless enough thing to do. If the company wants us to believe that most people have dogs named Rover and Spot, then let`s all tell the company that we believe it.

I would comment further on this subject, but right now I have to go home and feed my dog, Stir-Fry.