I do walk every day, pretty brisk pace (I think? all my perceptions of these kinds of things are skewed by my extreme weakness...between 4 and 4.5 mph?) and it's physically pretty tough for me at this point; I also do sprints once a week. I'm skittish about "gaining mass," though--I feel pretty miserable/disgusting at this weight already; I really couldn't bear to get any heavier. What I'd like to do (the only good option I have right now, really) is get rid of as much fat as possible and then replace it with muscle so that I don't get flagged for losing weight, but still have better measurements etc. But it seems like the best way to do this is to lift heavy (?), which physically I'm just way too weak to do. Is there anything else I should be doing to get myself to that point?

Do I just keep chipping away? This is painfully slow and it's driving me crazy trying to figure out how I could be making faster improvement. Terrified of the idea of not working hard enough/not progressing.

Sorry for basically asking the same questions over and over, but the panic just eats away at you.

08-15-2012, 11:33 AM

Forever Young

You are already talking about being "too heavy" and losing fat. This is alarming!! You nearly died!! The last thing you should be worried about is losing weight. The last thing. Right now you need to concentrate on eating real food and lots of it. Just as important is rest and lots of it. I would even take it easy on making yourself walk every day at a certain speed.

You damaged your body badly and it isn't going to heal quickly. It going to take time and patience on your part. I've got news for you too. You NEED certain amount of body fat to be healthy. One of the keys in your recovery will be weight training. Done properly, it can be literally miraculous. Yes you'll build some healthy muscle but more importantly is what you don't see and that is where the real magic takes place. There are bio-chemical reactions that take place that promote a leaner, healthier, younger body.

I would however ease into any such thing. Start with body weight stuff a couple times a week at most.

08-15-2012, 12:15 PM

heatherdarbs

I hope I can articulate this without sounding too blunt or offensive, but time is critical for you.

Your perspective is flawed; the longer you stay in this state of concern, while not fueling and living properly, the more clouded you become. If, in fact, you are not eating properly and potentially starving your body, you’re also starving your brain…which, after all, is part of your body. You have to keep that in check in order to make valid and justified decisions…and that’s not even mentioning your organs/bones. There’s no way around an eating disorder. You have to put your head down and go – the entire process is a drudge. However, the other side is the most unexpected clarity and perception. You have two choices: to recover or continue as is and eventually wither. I withered skinny body is useless and not one person cares about your size in the manner you think they do. You can treat your body appropriately in terms of health and be slender and fit – but how slender, is not up to you. If you attempt to manipulate it, you end up sick with potentially life threatening, long term medical issues. This isn’t a “might” happen, it will happen. Actually, according to you, it is happening. The longer you do this, the worse it gets. This is nothing to play around with. Put your anxious focus in the direction of finding the fear(as opposed to pushing it away) that’s driving this ED in your head and knock it out, somehow, in some way.

Do you have support? If you’re attempting recovery, expect your body to go through a cascade of changes. You need to allow it to balance and only then will it slide into a state of health. Once this happens, you’ll be shocked with your level of comfort and appreciation for yourself as a “you”…not a body.

08-15-2012, 02:16 PM

gray

Haha, no offense taken, and I appreciate the concerns, of course. I guess I should clarify that I'm recovering under duress, here, not because I wanted to--my BMI was low enough that I was going to be sectioned, unable to finish my degree, etc., so my doctor struck a deal with me about allowing me to remain outpatient once I was released from the hospital so long as I met with her every week and gained properly. (She's incredible and has no problem with me being paleo, so between her and the boyfriend I've got a very strong support system, despite not wanting one.) I am not happy about this; I do not want to be recovered, but at this point I don't have much of a choice. Once I've graduated next spring, I'm toying with the idea of going back to the ED. Full disclosure. Until then, since I can't be the "skinniest," I'm coping by trying to become the "fittest." I'm weight-restored at this point, "healthy" BMI 20, and I track my macros/calories obssessively, so I'm definitely eating enough (too much, if anything: about 1900 a day).

I guess my thoughts really boil down to: since, for now, I have to be eating and be a weight+size I hate, what can I do to make it look as good as possible? Completely shallow and vain, I know, but my stomach turns thinking about going back to university and seeing people in this flabby state when the last time they saw me I was a spindly ~95lbs. And who knows, maybe in the meantime I'll learn to like the new body and won't need to dangle the ED in front of myself like carrot anymore.

08-15-2012, 02:30 PM

BobthePhotoGuy

Are you doing any type of counseling or therapy?

Bob

08-15-2012, 02:52 PM

gray

yep, CBT. The woman is great, but of course, CBT's flaw is that the assignments/behaviors/exercises don't really work if you don't want to change your modes of thought in the first place. It's not magic.

08-16-2012, 04:23 AM

Forever Young

Ok. You are seriously ill mentally and this isn't a place for you. You need professional help. You clearly state that you don't want to recover. So that would suggest that you want to die. There is nobody here that can help you. We value life here and are interested in things that promote it. You don't value life saying the things you are saying. You'd rather be "skinny" and die than be a normal size and thrive. Your problems go way deeper than food.

Oh and NOBODY thinks that a woman with anorexia is attractive! NOBODY! It is shocking and alarming to see one in that state. You NEED SERIOUS HELP!!!

08-16-2012, 05:48 AM

Goldie

[QUOTE=Forever Young;929815]Ok. You are seriously ill mentally and this isn't a place for you. You need professional help. You clearly state that you don't want to recover. So that would suggest that you want to die. There is nobody here that can help you. We value life here and are interested in things that promote it. You don't value life saying the things you are saying. You'd rather be "skinny" and die than be a normal size and thrive. Your problems go way deeper than food.

Oh and NOBODY thinks that a woman with anorexia is attractive! NOBODY! It is shocking and alarming to see one in that state. You NEED SERIOUS HELP!!![/QUOTE]

^ This.

But I'd say you need [i]BETTER[/i] professional help, if CBT isn't working. Have you fully disclosed to your counselor and your boyfriend that you don't want to recover?

Anorexia is a slow road to suicide. Your hospitalization experience demonstrates this. Please get the right kind of help.

08-16-2012, 06:19 AM

Forever Young

No, I would bet that she hasn't disclosed this at all. She is likely playing them and telling them what they want to hear. She pretty much said just this.

Such a cavalier attitude about ones life and state of being suggests a deeply troubled individual who has extremely serious self worth/esteem issues.

I hope that everyone here recognizes the seriousness of this. Please stop giving her diet advice. She needs to get to the bottom of why she has such self hatred and why her life has no value.

08-16-2012, 07:13 AM

heatherdarbs

[QUOTE=gray;929510]Haha, no offense taken, and I appreciate the concerns, of course. I guess I should clarify that I'm recovering under duress, here, not because I wanted to--my BMI was low enough that I was going to be sectioned, unable to finish my degree, etc., so my doctor struck a deal with me about allowing me to remain outpatient once I was released from the hospital so long as I met with her every week and gained properly. (She's incredible and has no problem with me being paleo, so between her and the boyfriend I've got a very strong support system, despite not wanting one.) I am not happy about this; I do not want to be recovered, but at this point I don't have much of a choice. Once I've graduated next spring, I'm toying with the idea of going back to the ED. Full disclosure. Until then, since I can't be the "skinniest," I'm coping by trying to become the "fittest." I'm weight-restored at this point, "healthy" BMI 20, and I track my macros/calories obssessively, so I'm definitely eating enough (too much, if anything: about 1900 a day).

I guess my thoughts really boil down to: since, for now, I have to be eating and be a weight+size I hate, what can I do to make it look as good as possible? Completely shallow and vain, I know, but my stomach turns thinking about going back to university and seeing people in this flabby state when the last time they saw me I was a spindly ~95lbs. And who knows, maybe in the meantime I'll learn to like the new body and won't need to dangle the ED in front of myself like carrot anymore.[/QUOTE]

Yes; your intended approach is the simplest with the least amount of effort, isn't it? I was 95lbs; I looked like shit and almost died. It takes a hell of a lot more will power - if that's the recognition you seek- to overcome an ED than to pretend you like to starve yourself. I don't liken it to eating, at all; that's just the tool used to manifest mental and emotional imbalance. Seriously disappointing, but I guess a random girl on a message board won't change that.