77. Heart to Heart with Kayla

I introduced you to our babysitter, Kayla, in my last post. Yesterday I invited her to join me on some errands, just the two of us. Mike took our son on an afternoon out at a local amusement park.

As mentioned in my last post, I decided to “come out” to Kayla regarding my relationship dynamic with Mike. Overall it went well, but there were unexpected turns and revelations.

We were having lunch and I said, “Kayla, I wanted to talk to you about something very important to me regarding the relationship between Mike and me.” I proceeded to tell her that about a year and half ago I choose to become submissive to Mike. I explained why I not only enjoy it but feel I am thriving. I told her that I am telling her this because I am thriving in so many fulfilling ways and simply put, it brings me great joy. (Thanks jadescastle for the suggestions re the “joy” line. I was a great way to accurately and simply sum up my feelings). “Because of this I don’t like it when I have to suppress or alter my actions when around other people. Since you spend a lot of time with us, I want to be able to completely be myself, and express myself with Mike as I would normally do.”

Her initial reaction was pretty simple. “Oh, gosh, I am sorry you felt you had to be different around me. Thank you for trusting me and sharing that.”

She is such a great person. She is so self-aware and empathetic and very smart – she finished in the top ten of her high school class. It was just like her to come at it from my perspective. Most people react to things about how it impacts them, or inconveniences them, etc. Not Kayla.

She then asked what exactly was involved in my being submissive. I explained as simply as I could and focused on it being a way to help me be the person I wanted to be. I told her I suppose mine was a selfish submission, at least in the beginning, as it was all about what I wanted, but that I recognized my entire family would benefit. I said that I defer to Mike’s needs and focus intently on meeting his needs, but, again, the genesis of all of it was that it was a way to focus on my own dreams and desires, which are directly linked with being submissive to Mike.

She said something like, “Wow, that is amazing. I never really noticed anything like that was going on, but, I still don’t understand exactly what it means. Are we talking ‘50-shades of Grey’ submission?”

I tried to not answer that directly. Instead, I explained my submissiveness is about accountability to the commitments I have made to myself and to Mike. It reminded me of how I introduced the concept of DD to Mike way back when. I avoided the term “spanking” or “punishment” and left it as simply “accountability.” And, almost verbatim like Mike, she said, “Accountable in what ways?”

My response was that he will point out the times I fail to act in accordance with what I committed to.

She was far more inquisitive and more aware of submission than I was prepared for. She obviously had seen 50 Shades as she said, “Like putting you over his knee for rolling your eyes?”

I smiled and said, “Look at you with that ’50 Shades’ reference. Well, honestly, yes, something like that could happen, but it is all in a very different context than what’s in that movie.”

“Oh,” she said. I could see she connected the dots regarding spankings.

“So Kayla, tell me what you think about this?”

“Honestly I am surprised, but not shocked. It’s cool. I see how you and Mike are together and I look up to you all so much as a model for a great relationship. I’ve never known the specifics of what you all do to make your relationship work, but I’ve always observed that you both treat each other with so much respect. You two are so relaxed around each other and even when you all disagree with something it is like it is no big deal. And I am talking about years of watching you. And you said this submission thing is only a year and half old. While I never suspected something like that, in looking back now I can say that I did find both of you even more outwardly happy than before. You’ve both been ultra relaxed and so cool to just be around. I mean, I always felt that, but yes, in the last year or so even more so. I thought it was just because I was getting older and thus just more aware and even envious of your relationship.”

She then said, “I am really curious and I want to understand what this means day-to-day. Would you tell me what the last three things that Mike called you out for and what happened when he did?”

Oh my. She was wanting me to share my last few punishments!

I said, “I don’t look at it as Mike calling me out. I expect him to hold me accountable for the things I have agreed to do and for the ways I have agreed to act. I even hold myself accountable. And, suffice to say, when I fail to meet my commitments I expect and I receive our agreed upon consequences. Kayla, I don’t mind sharing a lot of details with you, but let’s not move too fast here. I’ve shared a lot and I am sure your mind is spinning. We can talk more about any details later.”

“Okay,” said Kayla, “but what does this really mean regarding changes I should expect to see?”

A very fair question. I explained that I would be not hide my submissiveness when she was around. She would hear me always refer to Mike as “Sir” and expect me to more outwardly be deferring to him.

She wanted to know if Mike would spank me when she was around. I told her that it would be up to him, but that I suspect if I did something wrong he would either send me to my room for a punishment, thus she wouldn’t have to witness it, or, defer it until she left. Either way, it would be up to Mike.

I told her one of my main concerns with telling her all of this is how she would perceive Mike. I shared that I had met another submissive couple and, before I understood their dynamic of a submissive lifestyle, I always thought the husband was a jerk. I didn’t want her to think that way of Mike.

She proceeded to tell me all these glowing things that she thought of about Mike. How she used to wish Mike was her father and, when she was younger she even had a puppy-love type crush on Mike. That she thought Mike was an amazing father and so cool to be around. She then started to cry a little. She then said, “I guess since you’ve shared something with me, I’d like to share things with you.”

She started to share a lot of very personal stuff with me. About her parents and about herself. She was getting pretty shaken up. We left lunch and I told her we could go to my house as Mike and my son were out.

She continued to share all sorts of things with me on the drive home and once we got there. There were things about her parents and about her sex life. She shared that she considered herself bisexual, but preferred the term pansexual. She was currently in a relationship with one of her best friends and her best friend’s boyfriend. Basically a poly-type thing but that she didn’t really consider herself a part of their relationship like that, but that she would often join them in threesomes. She said she had dated both men and women and while she did come out to her parents as “pan” they did not approve. She said her mother almost kicked her out, but ultimately let her stay. She said that despite all her great grades and frankly, in my opinion being such a great kid, she felt like she was a disappointment to her parents.

She got highly emotional and upset many times but continued to pour herself out to me. There was a lot more to what she shared with me that I won’t share here. She was so open and honest and completely uncensored in what she shared that I thought about just pointing her to this blog and telling her she could learn a lot more here – but, I decided against it, at least for now.

Ultimately, as things calmed down and we had a very lengthy intense talk about the things she shared, she showed her wit by saying, “Okay Mrs. H, so now will you tell me about the last three times you did something wrong?”

After she poured her heart out, I didn’t feel right telling her no. So, I did.

Three Spankings.
I told her I got a spanking for forgetting a few items from the grocery store and we ran out of several items when we needed them. I also got punished for leaving the garage door open after I came home from some errands. This is something I have done on occasion and Mike really up’d the punishment accordingly, but I didn’t share that detail with her. Then, the last one was just the day before, on Friday afternoon. Mike took the afternoon off and we went shopping together. When I got home I forgot to disrobe at the door. It had been so long since I’ve been somewhere with Mike when our son wasn’t with us or wasn’t home that I just wasn’t thinking about it. Oh, yes, I then had to share that one of our rules was that I had to be naked whenever I was home and our son was not here, although recently we agreed I could keep my panties on.

Kayla pointed out that my son was not home and I was not naked. Kayla reminded me that the reason I shared all this with her was that I didn’t want to behave differently when she was around. “Mrs. H, if you are supposed to be naked, and you told me all this so you could follow your submissive rules around me, then, shouldn’t you be naked now?”

Damn, what to do? I told Kayla I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable but she assured me she would not be. Hell!!! I was also reluctant because of the detail I left out regarding my punishment for the garage door incident. It wasn’t just a spanking, but also a breast punishment. Mike decided I needed an escalated punishment for repeating the same transgression many times, and he whipped my breasts. They still had bruises (they really seem to bruise so much more easily than my butt). I didn’t want her to see that. I felt I already shared too much, too soon, and she didn’t need to see that.

Kayla was jokingly relentless. “Come on Mrs. H., you said you told me all of this because you didn’t want to act differently when I am around. Well, I am around and you are acting differently.”

I told her, “Yes, that is all true, but I need to make sure it is okay with Mike and he is not here.”

“Text him,” she said slyly.

I told her that I would not and that perhaps next time if my son wasn’t home she just might be seeing me naked in my house. I told her to remember that my submission is not just about the salacious details of nakedness and spanking and that it is so much deeper than that and that I want her to focus on my love and devotion and not my spankings.

“Okay, Mrs. H. Okay”

“By the way, Kayla, please just start calling me Jenny. You can drop the Mrs. H.”

So, just imagine me over here, clapping my hands and cheering you on. i think your intuition to share with with Kayla was right-on, because it seems that she has been watching your relationship closely and found something that resonates for her. It also opened the door for her to share, and i think that it is an empowering thing when we find mother figures who we can be open with, especially if our bio mothers are not up for the task. i think you did just perfect, and i’m glad you were able to focus on being truthful and age appropriate. She is an adult, yes, but also a girl who looks up to you like maybe a Big Sister so i think that your approach was wonderful. Imagine what all she can learn from safely negotiating her own adult needs in her own relationships because you were truthful and held on to your own values. Bravo!

Hmmm…. Important details lurk. Make sure that she has a clear view of HIS responsible. This is not a one way street, it is not about a leader taking. With the power comes the added responsibility and she needs to see that. She needs to see more than the submission. When you submit more than you could have imagined possible you should receive more than you imagined possible and you should have the freedom to have open and clear communication.

No matter her relationship, the treatment (meaning love, care and respect, not spanking) you receive becomes her standard going forward.

I am so glad that this went well. I am not surprised that Kayla had picked up on the closeness that you share and was looking to you both as a role models. It is great that she has people who she can trust to help and support her as it sounds like she needs someone to understand what she is feeling.

Sounds like Kayla is very interested in exploring further with both of you. She also sounds like a wonderful woman with a big heart who could use some non-judgmental guidance from people who respect and love her w/o conditions.