Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Leaving the hospital after having Piper was probably one of the most terrifying things I've ever experienced. Even though I had been an aunt since I was 13 I felt completely unprepared for what was ahead of me. When the time came to leave I had not really been able to get Piper to breastfeed. I have never had so many different people see/touch/squeeze/fondle/twist/(I could go on) my breasts in my entire life and even after all that I was still unsuccessful! I was confident that Piper was going to go home with me and starve to death and it would be all my fault. Luckily after a couple of more days of trying and a little formula later Piper and I both got the hang of breastfeeding for the most part. I would NOT have been able to do it without the encouragement from good friends and family and particularly my sister Charity. She came over a couple of days in a row and kept me calm and kept me persistent until I got it down. Not without a lot of tears though of course. A couple days later my mom came for ten days which was a huge lifesaver also. She helped me out in every way and I could not be more grateful that she came. Unfortunately when she left a got really sick and things just seemed to go downhill from there.

I don't know if there is really anything in the world that can prepare you for being a mother. I felt like all I'd ever heard was how wonderful it is but I have to be honest, the first few months were incredibly hard for me. Now I'm not saying this to scare anyone or to be a Debbie Downer, but I hope that I'll be doing someone a favor by being completely honest so they know they aren't alone if they have a similar experience as me. Piper was a pretty colicky baby and something inside you just snaps when you've been listening to a screaming baby for so long and there's nothing you can do to console it. I just felt so helpless and I started to feel really anxious and felt like I had made a big mistake. Those feelings led to feelings of serious guilt and all of that combined made it difficult for me to bond with my sweet little girl. I felt like my whole world had been completely turned upside down and I was too scared to leave my house and began feeling pretty trapped. I started to resent Troy even though he was doing his best because I felt like his life had hardly changed at all and mine was a mess. Of course I loved Piper so much and things weren't always bad, but I just had my moments where I felt like I was sinking! Again, if it hadn't been for good friends and family who were willing to listen to me and make me feel totally normal and not such a bad psycho mother I don't know what I would have done. Everyone just kept promising me it would get better and after about 2 months things really started to turn around for us. Piper began to be a super happy and easy baby!

The first time Piper smiled at me it completely melted my heart and seriously made EVERYTHING worth it for me! As she got a little older and her personality started to shine through I felt such a strong connection with her I seriously felt like I would explode with love for her. I really started to feel like I was getting the hang of things, I began to know what to expect and how to read Piper a lot better. Since then motherhood has been such a treat for the most part. I forget what life was like without my baby girl and she brings so much joy to Troy and I. It is so much fun to watch her grow and develop. I swear things just change so quickly it's insane! My baby is almost half a year old! She's just the cutest thing and I love her happy and curious nature. She's been very alert since she was born and she loves to squirm and move around all the time! I'm so excited for what's ahead with her and I'm happy that I was able to get through those hard times at the beginning. I know that Heavenly Father was really looking out for me and I'm comforted in knowing that he'll always have my back with raising my sweet angel baby Piper.