Monday, September 26, 2016

On Turning 37

Getting older is just weird.

You'll generally hear me lament about the passage of time when it comes to the kids - usually around their birthdays or the beginning of a new school year. And I especially had a bit of a rough time when Brad celebrated his 40th this year. It's one thing to have my kids grow in size and advance in age, but it's an entirely new ballgame when my husband - my peer - has a milestone birthday!

I'm not at all sad or angsty about leaving 36 behind. I'm perfectly okay with 37 (although I have a hunch 38, 39, and the big 4-0 won't come so easily). But more and more, I'm finding myself particularly in tune with what it means, and what my experience is, in getting older. And it's just weird.

Weird because I don't necessarily feel 37. True, I don't know what 37 feels like; this is my first time here. It's kind of an odd sort of twilight zone experience, where I'm clearly in tune with my younger self - I remember her and her experiences and think of her as being not that far away. But then, when I do the math, I realize that the Lesley I think I left behind just a couple years ago, graduated from high school 18 years ago. Holy cats. And to ice that cake, I often think of myself at the ages my kids are (especially the boys, at nine and seven) and that younger Lesley - well, she's darn near dust. I remember the first time I found myself saying "Twenty years ago..." and actually remembering 20 years ago. Now, I can say "Thirty years ago..." and have the same sort of surreal experience. That's just weird, y'all.

And then, in an especially morbid turn of events, the passage of time in the twilight experience has me thinking about myself into the future - specifically, how much time I have left. With it, comes the heavy (and this is where some angst comes in) realization that time may not be on my side. My life may very well be half over.

{Now you all are feeling very weird. Sorry about that.}

Let's just say longevity doesn't read much on my genetic code.

Hmmmm. I don't really know where I'm going with this. Just, time is passing. We're all getting older. And when they say "time flies" they really mean it. I'm in a place where I'm evaluating and discovering and wondering and sensing and trying to figure out what it all means. Here. For me. At 37. I guess it's never too late for self-discovery.

Here's to embracing growing older.

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As for my birthday, it was a really great day. Church with friends, Culver's with my family, an afternoon spent receiving messages from and Skyping with those that mean the most. The evening spent with friends, as we usually do on Sunday nights. And some negotiating on purchase agreements for our house.