Thursday, March 5, 2009

Gold Standard: Cutting to the Chase

Thanks to a reader tipoff, I recently found myself visiting the Aurumania website and checking out their flagship fixed-gear, the "Gold Bike Crystal Edition":

I don't know what kind of components the "Gold Bike Crystal Edition" has, and the website wasn't any help. However, it does have some elegant design features, such as the company's logo spelled out in Braille with Swarovski crystals on the "crossbar":

I often get up before dawn to ride my bicycle, and when I do I'm reluctant to turn on the lights because my helper monkey, Vito, gets very irritable if I wake him up before 10:30am. (Trust me, the last thing you want to deal with is an irritable helper monkey.) For this reason, the Braille logo is an attractive touch--that way, if I want to ride my "Gold Bike Crystal Edition", all I need to do is feel it out. This is a nice enough feature that I'd even be willing to pay extra for it. So I checked out the price of the "Gold Bike Crystal Edition," and learned that it costs €80,000.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "That's ridiculous!" Well, I disagree. First of all, there are only ten of these--ten!--which means you'll be one in only 676,462,532.2 people in the world to own one. (And with more humans constantly being born even as I type this, your club gets more exclusive every day.) Second of all, the Euro/Dollar exchange rate is much more friendly to Americans these days, so the bike's a relative bargain at just over $100,000. Also, it has a "ten-year, no questions guarantee" (so if you get wasted on vintage Dom Perignon and crash it into your Giacometti while fixed-gear freestyling in your sculpture garden you don't have to use the old "just riding along" excuse) and it "will be delivered to you anywhere in the world via White Glove Service," which is a hell of a lot more than you can say about a Scattante.

Still, though, you're probably not convinced. Not only is this clearly just a gold-plated SE Premium Ale with the brakes removed, but it's also completely ridiculous to spend this much for any bicycle. Only a complete idiot would possibly even contemplate buying such a thing. Well, maybe, but I really don't think the "Gold Bike Crystal Edition" is all that ridiculous, especially in the context of cycling as it is today. In fact, it's a relative bargain.

Well, any "hardcore" cyclist can see that this bike needs some upgrades. First of all, you need some decent pedals, clips, and straps to use with your tattered sneakers. That's at least $50.

Also, that headset's probably got loose bearings. Sure, it might be serviceable, and in theory it will last a long time, but if you're going to be riding around on the streets (without a fender) you really need something "bulletproof." The "experts" on the various bike forums will doubtless vouch for the cost-effectiveness of this upgrade. Plus, as a bonus, "bulletproof" headsets come in a wide range of colors, and you're already a little self-conscious about riding an out-of-the-box bike. So you upgrade the headset.

Cost: $120

Next, you'll start thinking about those wheels. They're machine-built, and if they haven't been touched up by hand they may be going out of true. A little forum research will probably reveal that those wheels are "crap," and that they should be upgraded. Makes sense--after all, they were right about the headset. So you do it, but you only have enough money for the rear right now. First you buy the more expensive, "bulletproof" cartridge bearing rear hub by which everybody swears, and which is obviously way, way better than your current cartridge bearing rear hub:

Cost: $170

Of course, you're not going to put your cheap cog on that hub. Plus, the threading of the "bulletproof" hub is different anyway. So you get a cog and lockring both compatible with and worthy of your "bulletproof" rear hub:

Cost: $80

And it goes without saying you're not going to put that cheap rim on that hub. You're going to get something "bulletproof," and which, as a bonus, is available in colors that match your "bulletproof" headset:

Cost: $65

By the time you've got your spokes and nipples and someone to build it for you figure you've spend around $400. Or $450, since you're going to upgrade your tires too, and there are some cool ones that come in white.

Now that you're ripping around town on your increasingly "bulletproof" bicycle (total cost of bike to date: $1,100) you're starting to realize that drop bars without brake hoods aren't especially comfortable. You're also not going to go "flop and chop" on an increasingly color-coordinated and "bulletproof" bicycle. No, you're thinking you might want to go with some flat bars or risers. Since your "whip" is growing increasingly "tight," you figure you'll spend a little extra on something with some flair--and which, happily, is available in a variety of colors to match your increasingly color-coordinated bicycle. And $65 isn't that much to spend on a bar, is it? Crabon bars are way more expensive. This will not only require new bars, but also a new stem, since you've got to dial in your reach. And of course inexpensive aluminum stems fail all the time. You need something "bulletproof" that's "beautifully machined" and will complement your bars.

Cost (bar, stem, and grips): $130

Oh, and around this time you see an almost-new front mag-style wheel on Craigslist for only $200. Your front wheel has been holding up fine, but it doesn't really match your rear. And this wheel matches perfectly. Plus, you figure it's always good to have a spare front at home. Sold.

You've now crossed the fixie rubicon. Your whip is "tight" enough that you're becoming more involved in the "scene," and you're starting to get compliments. However, certain things are starting to bother you. You've got a sweet machined "bulletproof" stem but just a cheap aluminum seatpost. Sure, it's holding your seat in place just fine, but your stem's companion post is just so sexy. By this point you've realized you can't keep paying full retail at bike shops, so you're watching eBay constantly. Finally, you snag a practically new post with "minimal insertion marks" for $50. The money you've saved also justifies the purchase of a new seat, since the idea of clamping that cheap stock piece of foam on your sexy new post has secretly been driving you crazy. You manage to get a vintage used Italian saddle for only $45, as full of soul as it is of a stranger's ass sweat.

Cost (post, saddle, shipping): $100

Around this time, you find yourself shopping for a new chainring since you need to be able to change your gearing and sometimes you want to change chainrings instead of cogs. Chainrings are relatively inexpensive, so you don't feel guilty about it. But you start to realize that there aren't quite as many 1/8" chainring options for your 130bcd cranks as there are for 144bcd cranks. And anyway, you've got a pretty nice track bike now--shouldn't it run the track standard? Plus, a new crank is an investment in the future, since when you wear out your chainrings you'll have a much wider selection next time you go chainring shopping. Oh, and it has to match your "bulletproof" anodized componentry:

Cost: $300

By now the total cost of your Bikesdirect fixed-gear is $1,830. This figure does not include the money you've also spent on a bag, and on hats, and on clothing. And it's really bothering you--not because you've somehow quadrupled the price of your bicycle in three months, but because you've now got all this great "bulletproof" componentry on a "cheap" frame. At this point, if you just move all that stuff over wholesale to a "better" frame, you'll really have yourself a nice bike. A bike you can be proud of, and which will serve as a flag to the "scene" that you're on the premises when it's locked up outside the bar. So you spend $1,500 on a new steel frame and fork.

You've now spent $3,300 for a $480 bike. Sure, it's a different color now and it's got a different decal on the downtube, but philosophically speaking it's the same bike. Yet you don't realize this--until it gets stolen from the front of the bar because you locked it to a chainlink fence with your u-lock.

If you're lucky, you kept most of those old parts as well as your old frame and you can cobble a "new" bike together--which is actually your "old" bike, but which of course cost you $3,300. Or, if you're unlucky, you'll go through the whole process again and by the end of the year end up having spent $6,600. (You can't go back to "cheap" bikes now that you know what "quality" is.)

So really, "upgrading" isn't upgrading at all--it's inflation. It might take you years to spend $100,000 on a bicycle, but don't worry, you'll get there. Since you're really just buying looks and status anyway, so you might as well get it over with.

By the way, if you don't have access to $100,000, you can still get in on the Aurumania action, since they have a less expensive model that's only €2,000:

At roughly $2,500, it's still way cheaper than that Mercier, and the shock-and-awe tactic of putting a $100,000 bike at the top of the range makes the price go down that much easier. You'll even have money left to buy more clothes--though as you can see from the site you'll look better riding it naked with just an Afro:

No, I'm convinced that the "Gold Bike Crystal Edition" is the way to go. Actually, I'm so convinced that I placed an order:

I figure that by the time they get back to me (or to 1-800-LAWYERS, since that's the contact number I used) I'll have figured out how to get the money. Maybe a cycling publication will foot the bill so I can do a test. In any event, the order's in:

Irritable helper monkeys are the best. At 1st I was irritated because you said 1 OF 676,462,532.2 instead of 1 IN 676,462,532.2, but then I read the rest of the post and its humor restored my humor. I give it an 8.9.

I recall in the early 70s hearing of a bike in Toronto that cost over $1000 dollars. I and a couple of friends took a trip there, about 70 miles just to see it. It was actually kept inside a glass case because too many people were handling it.This was a time when you could get a sears ten speed for $65 bucks and I was earning $1.50 per hour at a part time job.I'm thinking soon they'll be putting a $1000 dollar bike in a glass case again as an artifact of prehistoric importance.

Back in the day, my cube guest chair was next to my road bike. I had one female coworker who would sit in the chair and rest her arm on the saddle. Eventually I calculated how many ass-hours that saddle has endured, and she stopped resting her arm.

I think I am going to buy me one of those sweet Mercier bikes, paint every square millimeter of it gold with gold shaky paint (frame, bars, bar tape, rims, spokes, tires, chain, etc - gold paint everywhere!!) glue some chunks of broken glass to the top tube, and tell everyone that I'm riding a $100,000 bike. It's gonna be great. I'm gonna have to beat the chicks off with a stick when I show up at the next alley cat.

Well not only that Bike Snob, this doesn't begin to address the problem of bike companies increasing cost while diminishing quality and price fixing the market. For example all you have to do is look at that hipster icon the Bianchi Pista. Compare the specs and prices of the 2003 and the 2009 bikes not only was the 2003 better equipped it also had better geometry for intended purpose (track racing), and it cost almost 50% less. Or look at Cannondale's track bike from 2003 and the Capo of 2009. The list goes on and on. And they have fixed prices in the market. All of the "street" fixed gear bikes all cost roughly $700 bucks. There is no price competition between the different labels. (Granted they're all made by Giant) This can only increase regardless of market conditions till the market complete dries up or lawsuits are filed.And since when was Sugino RD cranks and Alex rims a selling point? It was gotten very bad indeed.

I think I am going to buy me one of those sweet Mercier bikes, paint every square millimeter of it gold with gold shaky paint (frame, bars, bar tape, rims, spokes, tires, chain, etc - gold paint everywhere!!), glue some chunks of broken glass to the top tube, and tell everyone that I'm riding a $100,000 bike. It's gonna be great. I'm gonna have to beat the chicks off with a stick when I show up at the next alley cat.

Anon 2:17, there's one glaring error in your synopsis. To attempt to use a Dura Ace lock ring on a Phil hub would surely result in much frustration at first and then immense sorrow after you realize that Phil requires ISO (i.e. Campy) lockrings, not British like the DA uses. There would be much weeping in Mudville indeed. Damn, I'm good and damn, I'm a geek.

At this point I can't remember if I started wearing tight jeans to show off what little made me a man, or if the tight jean wearing actually made me less of a man. Oh well at least let still let me sing in the all boys choir.

I think my mind would explode if you started with a Casseroll Single, fixtating it out, then "upgrading" to Sora, then roading it to Campy, and finally to a Rohloff (or whatever) because they're so bulletproof.

My boy (not my son) purchased an mtb with an xtr kit and decent fork then took everything off the motobecane frame and built up a sweet voodoo aizan and saved himself a good chunk of cash instead of parting it together or buying it whole but then again it wasn't gold.

OH MY GAWD! Braille on a website? That's, like, so smart! Now the, um, blind will be able to use the internet! I can't believe no one has thought of it before! If they're half as smart with the bicycle making, I'm gonna have to get one to match my Prada bag!

Thanks, Innerlighter. No, sadly my birthday is on the 15th, a Sunday--no fair! Guess I'll have to get the celebrating out of the way on Saturday. Wanna come? St. L has a big parade for St. Patty's and then its just drinking beer the rest of the day, beer and car bombs.

This is small potatoes--just playing the upgrade game with one bike? I'm doing my part for the economy by gradually upgrading the track bike, the serious road bike, the rain road bike, the 'cross bike, the fixed road training bike, the TT bike...

And once you've replaced everything you can assemble it back into a bike and put it on craigslist for what you paid for it originally.

I'm not sure what you getting at. This is how I've built every nice bike I ever had, I started off with a shit bike and replaced every part. I'm doing the same thing with a BMX right now. Would it be better to not have a bike at all until I build the bike I want? I don't have that kind of money all at once so I buy a piece at a time, I think a lot of people do this. Nothing wrong with it.

Did anyone else notice the "Nite Bike", which is only 2000 euros; "Every immaculate hand-crafted detail is as black as night." That apparently includes the "anodised chain ring and cranck set". Perhaps "cranck" is the Danish spelling and would better spelled CrancK... or not

Ralphy : So the fact that a 120mm wide hub will fit any frame with 120mm spacing, that's not interchangeable? Or the fact that any 22.0 mm stem will fit in any 22.0 mm threaded fork, also not interchangeable? Obviously there are different sizes and standards. But it's not like trying to put Chevy parts on a Volkswagen (not interchangeable).

Jim, "bulletproof" usually doesn't mean that the item will take no damage from a bullet, but rather that the bullet is stopped from reaching the item's user. I guess a ring mail made out of CK headsets could save someone's life (but not the bank account).

(Wouldn't that be appealing to gangsters - protection and bling in one? I can envision the bicycle equivalent of Hells Angels spreading awe with their CC pepper spray and CK chain mails...)

It can be hell some days in this town filled with Madones and douche bags who begin and end sentences with the word "lance", but I woke up today happy to know that Copenhagen exceeds in Cycling Gaudiness more so than Austin.

Ralphy : So the fact that a 120mm wide hub will fit any frame with 120mm spacing, that's not interchangeable? Or the fact that any 22.0 mm stem will fit in any 22.0 mm threaded fork, also not interchangeable?

Yes, every part is compatible with what it is compatible with! You're right, bikes would be less interchangeable if 120mm hubs didn't fit the very 120mm spacing they were designed to fit.

I don't know if anyone noticed but in addition to featuring a "crossbar" the Black Bike comes with a special "Cranck" and the Gold Bike has a leather badge on the "front downtube." These unique features must really push the price.

I meant 22.2mm. All I do is build bikes up out of spare parts, so I know what fits and what doesn't. I also have a Truimph chopper with an Italian Ceriani fork and a Harley front wheel, so I know what can be done with a little machine shop work.

I don't need two internet douchebags getting lippy with me because we aren't face to face.

Wow! That was quite the story telling! Im quite amazed at all the things you've done! No wonder your soo happy! Well I hope you had your fun and excitement. In the mean while, as winters kicking in right now, we might be expecting some change! A change in weather hopefully to the better :} I dunno, some how reading about what you wrote makes me remember things that I never thought I would have ever remembered, funny how that works doesn't it??-Much LoVe

This blog is amazing!!!i stay impressive with the whole information because is absolutely interesting and wonderful .I like the new ideas raised in this blog. Simply wonderful. i love the the gold, drive me crazy. i can´t go out without buy some gold for me and i like to buy viagra to just for enjoy openly my sexual life.

If House of Solid Gold’s $1m gold bike is pushing your budget a touch too much, consider instead Swedish manufacturer Aurumania’s offering – also gold-plated, handmade and decorated with more than 600 fine Swarovski crystals, it’s a relative bargain at £66,000.Details include a moulded leather saddle from traditional saddle-maker Brooks, and handlebar grips made of hand-sewn, chocolate-brown leather. Only 10 of these expensive bikes have been made, and the first was sold to a London man who promptly hung it on the wall in his lobby as art.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!