Join TED Speakers John Bohannon and Carl Flink Monday, 12/17 to delve into the super-awkward world of "The Facts of Life"!

When you were a kid, did your parents ever sit you down for THAT conversation? As in, the "facts of life", "the birds & the bees"? Or was it all just too awkward? If you're a parent now, have you talked with your kids?

Join TED speakers John Bohannon and Carl Flink of Black Label Movement to delve into the super-awkward: Monday, December 17th at 4:30 pm Eastern, here on TED Conversations.

Closing Statement from TED

From Carl Flink:

John and I thank everyone for tuning into the conversation about our Talk. I think we all quickly revealed the humor and seriousness of this critical subject and the broad range of experiences around it. We hope that our presentation continues to catalyze conversations around talking about sex and also thinking about how TED talks can incorporate different elements such as live performers beyond the tried and true powerpoint structure.

From John Bohannon:

A big THANKS to everyone who took part in my survey. Here are the results:

1. When you were young, did your parents or another adult talk to you about "the facts of life"?

Yes, I got the low-down on both sex and drugs.
25%
Yes, but only about sex.
31%
Yes, but only about drugs.
0%
No, I had to learn things the hard way.
44%

2. If you have teenage kids (or older), did you (or someone) tell them about "the facts of life" yet?

Yes, they received the wisdom about sex and drugs.
67%
Yes, but so far only about sex.
0%
Yes, but so far only about drugs.
33%
No, that conversation never happened. Awkward!
0%

Dec 17 2012:
I know its not on the topic of sex, but I want to also say that John Bohannon is a fearless TED Speaker. How many TED Speakers are there who would be willing to do their entire TALK while being moved upside down, laying on people's heads, etc. He's an brave man!

Dec 17 2012:
I'm gay, but my parents talked to me about how sex works between a man and a woman. I wonder if any of you parents will talk to your kids about heterosexual AND homosexual relations. I mean, many of these kids already have preferences, but for those that do not, I think it's important to inform them about sex in the most general terms (between two people that are in love or two people that are attracted to each other -- not just between a man and a woman). Does that make sense?

Dec 17 2012:
Fantastic question, Jordan. This is something that we have already had multiple conversations about in our household. The various debates around so-called "Marriage Amendments" prompted us to have talks with our daughters about what marriage is and how we as parents think about it. It was so interesting to hear from my 10 year-old before we ever said anything to them about this, "Dad, I don't understand why I can't marry anyone that I love and want to be with." Wow, from the mouths of babes.

Dec 17 2012:
It makes so much sense. I think a lot of parents would use the excuse that it tends to come up because kids have asked where babies come from, but that just makes for a good starting point. You just have to answer the question you've been asked, but the question that small children might not yet know enough to ask.

Dec 17 2012:
I have no doubt this will be a part of our conversations around sex, since it's already a normal part of our world. One of our daughter's friends has two moms, we walk past affectionate gay couples when we're out and about, etc. It's standard now to hear other toddler parents hedging on the sex of their kid's future spouse. :)

Dec 17 2012:
On the more casual end of the spectrum, whenever my husband left the house when he was a teenager (after getting his driver's license), his parents would send him off with, "Have fun! Remember to wear your headlights and turn on your rubbers!"

Dec 17 2012:
well, no. nobody ever told me that "the facts of life" would be sex and drugs. i was under the impression that rock and roll is also involved. but i have always suspected that actually a lot more is going on in life.

Dec 17 2012:
I remember, my father took me to a seperate room and asked me some questions before he actually explained me everything literally. I remember few of them.
The first question was that did you ever feel something when you woke up in the morning? It was followed by another one. He asked me to try and remember if I saw any beautiful classmates of mine in my dreams or have seen some exiting movie before sleeping?
The conversation was pretty much direct. I really appreciated that. I am proud that it happened and I came to know everything from my father, instead of friends telling different stories.

Dec 17 2012:
One thought that occurred to me though as I read you experience, Shobhit, is why so often parents make this conversation something that needs to be scheduled or taken into a different room. I know that when my parents did something like this to me when I was growing up I tended to spend so much time wondering when I was going to be grounded or told something bad that I may not have been in a head space to take in the information.

Dec 17 2012:
I agree with you. There can be different reasons. My sister is yonger to me and he might not have wanted to share all those thoughts with her, at that time. Still, these conversations need to be taken in more casual way. Its an important part of everyone's life.

Dec 17 2012:
Agreed! One of my favorite people in the world, Cliff Simon (http://www.cliffcakes.com/cake/) says that the more you talk about something like it's normal, the more normal it becomes. He had a lover for years before he realized the reason people didn't take it seriously or accept it as normal is because he never talked about it like it was normal.

Maybe if we just casually slip sex into daily conversations -- not perversely or immaturely (though there are times for that, I would argue) -- we can start a culture around "the talk" that is less 1950's and more Facebook-wall-esque.

Dec 17 2012:
Couldn't agree more. We need to stop highlighting something that is everywhere and in all of us as if it is somehow unusual requiring of "special treatment." Don't get me wrong this is serious stuff and we need to help ourselves and our children understand it, but I certainly know I want my children to understand it as a beautiful and normal part of their lives.

Dec 17 2012:
You know, I would argue that I am going to use calculus much less often in my life than I am going to use sex. However, I was required to take years of it in school. I had tutors and went to labs. So much energy was expended to help me understand. Why can't we treat sex that way. It's a daily exercise in some cases. But, we treat it like a secret! Haha! I wish this was the other way around and we treated calculus this way. :)

Dec 17 2012:
I know I had the talk with my mom when I was about 11 but it was wrapped into the "your body is going to be going through some changes soon/puberty" talk which was only prompted because one of the girls in my Girl Scout troop had just gotten her period. My mom was pretty matter of fact about the whole thing, if I remember clearly. As far as the drug talk...I don't think it happened. I was told that they were bad for my health (I grew up in a very health-oriented household) and since no one in my family smoked it never was an issue for me. We did have the DARE program in school, too.

Dec 17 2012:
Pretty much the same with my mum Lauren. Another girl in our ballet group got her period ... all the mums panicked I think and therefore 'the talk' surfaced. It would be interesting to know how many other 'talks' where instigated because some poor girl was the first to get her period in a group!

Dec 17 2012:
Why do all the moms panic?? I explained sex to my little sister when she was five and I was 11. She told everyone in her class, and my stepmother received a zillion angry phone calls. Everything I told her was accurate! What on Earth were they so angry about?

Dec 17 2012:
My brother and I were SUPER horny kids. I was in first grade when I discovered if I humped a pole for long enough(yes even on the playground) I got a very pleasurable sensation. I think I was 7 and my brother 5 when we saw our first porn video. My half sister was "watching" us(actually in the bedroom with her boyfriend) while my brother and I watched tv. We came acros a porn channel and went crazy. I remember my brother humping the back of the sofa and me wriggling on the cushions. Also, my grandma subscribed to Playboy(for the articles), so we loved staying over night at her place. As far as anyone saying anything about sex, parents or other(I went to a Catholic school) I do remember my step dad telling me that Playboy was better than Hustler. I also have a vague memory of a blond girl in first grade showing a group of guys her vagina under a picnic table.

Ultimately, it was the movies and tv shows I watched that educated me. However, I did pick up some intense Catholic guilt that took years to dissolve.

Dec 17 2012:
I think Eddie's story is exactly why parents must be engaged in this process. Kids are and will find access to this information and imagery, especially in today's world. Parents must be proactive so they can help their children develop structures for how to respond and think about this information and form decisions for how they will act. This is not to control them, but to help them understand what is and should be a beautiful natural part of who we are.

Dec 17 2012:
I grew up in a very conservative Christian home. My parents were, however, very scientific about "the facts of life." They used the standardized terms for male and female reproductive organs. They also suggested very strongly that I should abstain from drug use. They told me the negative consequences and offered alternatives (social activities, sports, piano lessons, church, volunteer opportunities). All of this, of course, was from a Christian perspective. They wanted me to live a life that was pleasing to God. However, I think that though their reasons came from a religious place, the outcome was very similar to friends that had loving non-religious parents. I wonder what other people experienced. If you had the talk, did your parents encourage you to experiment? Did they give you the tools to do it safely? Were you forbidden to drink or do drugs or have sex before marriage? What motivated your parents' decision to talk to you?

Dec 17 2012:
My parents didn’t really give me a talk. Instead, they gave me a book. My 12 year old self wasn’t interested in reading about my body, but instead I would giggle with my friends as we flipped through the pictures. I think the book was a good way to lead into it though. And if my parents would have talked with me about the book after I had it for a while, it would have been a helpful tool. I'm sure I would have run away from them as well, but kids still hear you when their ears are plugged.

Dec 17 2012:
As a kid I'm sure we had specific conversations about it, but my truly memorable sex-ed moment was, in fact, an overnight campout at the local abortion clinic with the local girls from my very progressive 70s neighborhood. In one room, there was an endless videotape loop of an internal exam, and plenty of helpful 70s ladies who were eager to explain it to me.
GAHHHHH.

Dec 17 2012:
It takes a village to raise a child. If it's everybody's "embarrassment", then it belongs to society. Why there is so few books written to the little readers. Hope there's a poetic way to introduce the Apple to the life of each little bean sprout. The conversation can be very creative!

I'm actually wrestling with just this question because I have three daughters age 10 and twin five year olds. One of the goals of this presentation was to suggest that it is critical to respond to the individual make-up of each child especially for parents. Each of my daughters even the twins are extremely different and I will need to talk with them in very different ways.

Dec 17 2012:
Something that occurs to me as we have this conversation is that there are many facets to this conversation to consider. There is learning about how we reproduce, there is learning about how our particular reproduction can be pleasurable and there is talking about the enormous spectrum of sexuality that is happening with no goal of reproduction. These are all things to consider talking about with our children and have differing layers of discomfort for us as parents and educators.

Dec 17 2012:
I also think it's valuable to have conversations like this one, among adults, more often than we do. For an Intro to Sexuality Studies class, my final assignment was to write my sexual history, starting with learning about sex as a child. I couldn't believe how many parts of the story I hadn't thought about in years, and how formative they'd been. There's definite value in that reflection.

Dec 17 2012:
My mum didn't tell me about sex ..... just told me when I was about 11 that as a female I had the reproductive organs to produce babies and that would mean I might start bleeding soon. I was horrified! Actually, I think my poor mum didn't really explain it because she didn't really know. I actually educated HER when I was about 18 and studying my nursing degree, she didn't even understand her own basis anatomy.

Dec 17 2012:
Now that's an idea I haven't heard yet, but it strikes me as reasonable. Perhaps kids are become *more* knowledgeable than their parents. Perhaps the Facts of Life talk will flip. Kids need to educate their parents?

Dec 17 2012:
Hey ,,,,, there are a whole lot of people out there that just aren't health literate, especially when it comes to the human body, sex and how drugs work(especially where addiction is concerned). You can't teach what you don't know!

I don't have a recollection of having 'the talk' with either one of my parents
It came down to friends, classmates, and experimentation which helped me understand
Now i'm a parent myself and i'm not afraid of having this talk with my kids
To me it's more a question of when is the right time or 'how to start the conversation'

Probably their interest will come up eventually and as a parent i think it will be best to be aware of this fact and be honest and open about it

Dec 17 2012:
Agreed. The thing that my life partner and I have learned as we've been riding this particular wave is that you need to gauge the communication to where the children is in their life development. So how we've answered questions from our 5 year olds about where they came from is much different from answers to similar questions from our ten year old.

Dec 17 2012:
But on that note, is there an age where it's okay to tell your children that they're too young for sex? Or is the key to explain what's problematic about it, rather than making it a question of virtue or social stigma?

Dec 17 2012:
My mom told me when I started puberty that I could have sex as soon as I was able to afford the consequences. I guess this wouldn't be good advice for princes and princesses or child stars (like Justin Beiber). But, I think what she was getting at was that sex comes with a price. There are emotional, physical, financial, and environmental concerns. You might as well consider them before you plunge into the act instead of being forced to consider them after the deed is done. My mom is so smart! :)

One of the things that's been an interesting collaboration is the differences in how my wife and I learned about sex. Sadly, since my Sex Talk didn't happen until 18 3 years after I started having sex my initial education was relegated to Penthouse Letters (always a healthy source of information). My wife had an aunt who was central in her upbringing who was extremely matter of fact and never guilt-tripped her about sex. She deals with the conversations with our daughters so much better then I because she was never taught that it was something to hide or the province of porn. I feel very lucky to have her in our lives.

Dec 17 2012:
Aja, I like that "nudge" method. Perhaps we should just pepper a kid's environment with subtle references and resources. Like... sticky notes with wise and super-awkward sex-related wisdom... Fridge magnets... Constantly humming the tunes to pop songs that are related to sex...