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I’m getting married

Month: January 2017

Sometimes a little “grounding” is all you need. Life has been so stressful and I needed to get back in touch with myself. It’s amazing what a little nature will do for the mind. I went for a hike and these are some of my favorite pictures.

Like this:

2 actually. Yesterday I threw 2 taquitos. It was such a bad day. It’s been a bad week. Ok let’s be honest, it’s been a bad month so far. I am feeling so overwhelmed lately and I can tell that it is making me more and more frustrated with everything.

The kids were a pain yesterday. Skylar is getting to the age where everything is a fight, everything is a whining big deal and she can’t seem to do anything by herself right now. “Cover me. Give me my drink. Help me take off my socks. Hand me that thing that is completely within my reach that I am all of the sudden incapable of getting myself please mom, PLEASE!” All freaking day long.

So by the time Scott got home from work (at 6:45pm) I had been up and stuck at home all day with the kids for 12 freaking hours I was just done with the day. And of course, like always, I don’t even remember what was said but something was said and I just lost it. Absolutely lost it.

I could tell I needed a minute to stop breathe and focus, so I walked into the kitchen and put the gate up so no one else followed me in. I turned the lights off and just stood there for a minute trying to compose myself before I lost my shit. I tried so hard. The tears started flowing and I just felt so emotional and so broken.

I was sitting on my counter top crying next to the stove, which had some lovely and oh so tasty home made taquitos on it that I had made an hour earlier. I flipped that pan over and threw it across the kitchen. The sound the it made as it hit the floor gave me a sense of satisfaction and calmness; instant gratification.

Me mad. Me throw things. Me feel better now. Am I some kind of barbaric cave woman now? Get a grip Britt. Get yourself together. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! So I left the house and went for a walk to the park. I needed to get out of the house, escape the negative energy and clear my mind. I walked for a few minutes while I meditated and once I started to freeze my butt off I decided it was time to go back home.
Of course when I got back home the gate code didn’t work, so I had to call and ask Scott to open it for me. Thank God for that man. He opened the gate for me, hugged me and pretended like I wasn’t a raging psycho bitch for the last hour and a half.

We put the kids to bed and that was the end of that. Now to clean up this mess (the taquitos AND my crazy ass self).

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So we all know I suffer from anxiety and OCD. My struggle with OCD is more control driven. I HAVE to have things in order. Everything has a place and everything in it’s place. (I sound like my dad- cleanliness is next to godliness). I feel like having things orderly is one of the only aspects in life I can truly have control over so I kinda go way overboard.

I get anxious over “things” all the time. Things that are out of place, broken things, useless things, dirty things, all kinds of “things” in my life that cause me anxiety. I spend so much time in my day cleaning, arranging and re areanging, making sure everything is exact. And while my house looks fucking amazing, my mind is slowly going insane.

I finally got fed up and started looking into ways to de clutter my life, hoping to make it easier to spend time with my family. So first I did what everyone does; I joined some Facebook groups on the minimalist lifestyle. I stalked the groups for a while and got a feel for what I needed for me. I then purged a ton of crap, I mean a ton. I went deeper than just minimizing my “things.” I also purged some “friends” and then finally I felt at peace…….for a little while at least.

I have noticed a big change in my mindset after becoming an aspiring minimalist. I’m not going to say I’m there yet, because I still have a long way to go, but slowly I am letting go of all the “things” and starting to fund joy in simplicity. I feel like even though I have less “things” I am living more. ❤

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I’ll never forget my mom opening all the windows during a storm when I was a kid. We would listen to the sounds of the thunder and rain and I was always be scared, but knew it would be ok because my mom was there to keep me safe. Now I do the same with my kids on rainy days. I love this weather ⛆🌦☔🌧💧

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This is a poem I wrote while I was going through some pretty rough stuff. I was feeling so much stress, I was grieving from the “loss” of a good friend and I was feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. I needed a way to get my negative feelings out and this is what I came up with.

DROWNING

Naked cold and alone I sit as the bathtub slowly fills. I watch as the water pours from the faucet. I put my hands out and my fingers touch the water.

I can feel it as it beats down on my hands. Drop after drop the beads of water fall from my fingers, down my palms, and off my wrists; rushing down into the tub like the tears that are falling from my eyes.

The water turns cold and I realize that my hands have become numb. Beating after beating each little drop of water has, without intention, taken away my ability to feel. At some point while staring mindlessly at the water I lost my focus.

I turn off the faucet and put my head under the water. As my eyes close I can feel every care slip away.

I AM DROWNING!

When did the calm become chaos? When did my mind get so clouded that I lost sight of my happiness? When did I become so weak that I let the beating water numb me?

I gasp for air and feel my lungs expand as I arise from the water. This isn’t the end. This is the last day I will feel numb. I will not allow the waters of the world beat me down any longer.

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So the other day I caught Kylee trying to pee sitting backwards on the toilet. Wtf? An image I never expected to see. So I reminded her how we’re supposed to sit on the potty and that was the end of it.

Well, last night she said this to me…

“Momma I’m sorry for trying to pee like a boy the other day. It’s just that I’m so jealous that boys get to have a penis and we dont. I mean, it must be so awesome to have a penis. I bet having a penis is so much fun to just take it out whenever you want to. I wish sometimes that I had one too, don’t you?”

Hahahahaha. Yea kid, I wish I had a penis sometime too. It would probably make life a hell of a lot easier.

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This poem has a lot of sentimental meaning to me. At the time I wrote this poem, I was trying to figure out how to move on from a toxic friendship. It was extremely difficult for me to “let go” of this person and move on because they played such a huge roll in my life and were there for me in so many ways for so many years.

Then I Let Go

Today I woke up and thought of you, the same as I always do. I saw your smile. I felt your touch. I closed my eyes and I heard your voice.

I took a walk this afternoon and thought of you, the same as I always do. I miss the time we used to spend together. I miss your voice the most. Everything reminds me of you. Even though you are not around I can still feel you here.

Before I fell asleep I thought of you, the same as I always do. Will this ever get any easier? Why can’t I let go? Sometimes thoughts of you consume my mind. You may not be here, but you are always in my dreams.

Today I woke up and thought of you, the same as I always do. I saw your smile. I felt your touch. I closed my eyes and I heard your voice.

I took a drive this afternoon to get you out of my mind. You have been everywhere lately. I can’t seem to let you go. I went to the place that reminded me of you the most. I just sat there thinking of you. You loved me. You never judged. Always cared. You saved me. I finally realized how to let you go.

Before I fell asleep I saw you. I touched your face. I held your hand. I kissed your cheek. I didn’t have to close my eyes to hear your voice because you were there. You looked tired. Your eyes were sad. You were broken and I was to blame.

Today I woke up and thought of you, the same as I always do. And then I let go.