Note: This is a guest post by Steliana van de Rijt-Economu. Please share your love with Steliana as you welcome her to the M2bH community of guest posters.

“If you want to be happy, be.” ~Leo Tolstoy

As I am holding my 5 month old baby a profound thought passes through my mind: “There is a place where money and success cannot reach.”

You only become aware of it when you’ve reached it and you experience a funny feeling of exaltation that makes you smile like a little child. I am now convinced there is a place in our heart and soul where we can withdraw and be happy for just the simple fact of being.

In my case, I find that place when I hold my little one and sooth her when she is crying. I also feel it when I open the window early in the morning and I feel that fresh caress of spring air cooling my cheek, reminding me that there’s a new day … a day full of possibilities.

Some people call it happiness, but I would like to leave it undefined … it’s just the mood of the moment. Sometimes you are lucky enough to be aware of it, to consciously enjoy it. Other times you’re not.

A Lesson 10 Years in the Making

My life until recently had been defined by my drive for success. I tended to compare mine to others. And so I’ve always worked hard to attain it. I recently celebrated 10 years of working full time in the corporate environment where working at least a 10 hour day seems to be the norm.

Whenever I wished for a new job I would put all my energy into making sure I got it. I thought that’s what would make me happy. But as soon as I got there, I had new goals and took no time to celebrate or enjoy the accomplishment. It left me feeling empty.

Two years ago I managed to get my dream job and moved with my husband to the center of London. I was traveling the world in business class, giving courses to high potential employees from various countries.

In that first year I spent 165 nights outside the UK. As the young man who sold me my iPhone said, I had a “cool job.” But my life was moving so fast that I could never find my “inner place” where I’m happy. I started doubting myself and began blaming the world for my growing unhappiness.

A Changed Perspective

It’s only when I took a year off for maternity leave that I came to understand what was happening to me. I am now spending my time at home, still getting as little sleep as when I was on my busiest business trips, but now I’m experiencing a new sense of fulfillment that cannot be purchased at any price.

And interestingly enough I don’t spend all my time with the baby. I still invest time in my own projects, engaged in community service and making time for my friends. When you are filled with positive energy you can do much more with your life.

How I Found What Makes Me Happy

So what did I do to reconnect with that “inner place”? I wrote 10 questions on one side of 10 different 3×5 note cards and answered them as honestly as I could on the back. Here are my questions (what ones would you add?):

What do I do well?

What do I enjoy doing?

Where do I offer my expertise to others?

What makes me smile?

What makes me fell good?

What makes me annoyed that I can avoid?

What is really important to me?

Who do I care about most?

What activities/challenges really excite me?

What do I really want to learn?

Then I spread the cards on a table so I could have a good look at them. This helped me identify the most important things in my life. Now, from time to time, I go back to the cards and enjoy the realization that my answers don’t change much.

Success, it turned out, had little to do with my job or the money or the travel or prestige. It was both much smaller than those things, and yet so infinitely bigger.

YOUR TURN!

Do you feel the same?

How do you keep yourself in touch with what your heart really wants?

When was the last time you thought about what makes you really happy?

How do you make sure you’re living the life you love?

I would love to know your thoughts. Please share them in the comments below.

PS: If there’s someone you feel would benefit from this post, please share it using whatever social media you’re plugged into. It would mean a lot if you would help spread the word! Just scroll down to Tweet, Share or +1 it.

Steliana van de Rijt-Economu is a Leadership Development Adviser and founder of Ithaca Journey. She would appreciate a visit to her blog to check out what she’s writing about.

31 Comments

I’m the same as you. I was a Stage Actress by night and working as a radio announcer by day. I was a celebrity – living the life others envied.

Then I met and married my husband, moved to a country where no one knew me and we started a family. When I had my first child I decided that I could raise her better than anyone else could. I didn’t want her to get to 13 then decide we didn’t know who each other were.

I had 3 babies in 3 and a half years. I stayed at home and dedicated my time to them. I would have it no other way. Raising the kids I chose to have filled me with happiness. Now they’re all at school, I look back with pride, knowing that I have raised them the way my husband and I wanted them to be raised.

Now I have more independence. I make sure I do a bit of what I want – even if I can’t go the full hog. I can’t go back to Stage right now, but I do TV work. I can’t go on tours, but I do day- work away. etc.

Life throws you choices. Some you have to catch and others, you have to let go. You just have to be sure you’re catching the ones that not only make you happy, but also satisfy the needs of those around you.

Anne, I admire you a lot for your achievement. Although I only have one, I can imagine that raising 3 children is more intense than any job. I also like your point about the fact that you need to make choices not just for you but also for the ones that need you. Now, I finally understand what S. Covey meant by Interpendence versus Indepence in his “7 Habits of Highly Effective People”

I salute you, Anne! I loved learning this about you and your commitment to your children. On the one hand we can talk about sacrifices we’ve made for our kids. And on some level that’s true.

But it’s hard to call something a sacrifice if that’s what you prefer to do. I could significantly advance my career and even my blogging business if I chose to devote twice as much time to it. So spending time with my 6 year old son is sacrificing that career advancement. But it’s not truly a sacrifice when I wouldn’t trade my time with my son for anything any level of success.

Great words from a great mom! Thanks for sharing your story and insight, Anne. Just beautiful!

PS: Your guest post will go live Tuesday (or so that’s the plan!) 🙂 I’ll email you when it’s live.

Thanks for the 10 questions and the index card idea. I have been an index card girl for a while but I never thought of using them that way! That will certainly be part of my tool bag from now on.

I used to think I loved traveling. As I began teaching classes and seminars my frequent flyer miles account got bigger and bigger. One day I was home in Hawaii, looking around at my lovely home and reflecting it was almost time for me to leave again.

I didn’t have a baby but I gave birth to putting me first. I am currently working in Tokyo but I spend a lot more time home than I used to. My ultimate goal is to reach people and help them without me having to get on a plane. Not that I need a rationalization but my thought is the internet is a lot greener environmentally than planes.

Thanks again for the questions and the index card idea. I wonder if they sell index cards here in Tokyo?

I know what you mean about travelling really gets to you at some point. You can also do the 10 questions with some pieces of paper. From experience I can tell you that writing on pieces of paper works better than typing answers on a PC. I have tried both ways. When you write on cards, you have a playful mindset and that’s exactly the frame of mind you want in this exercise.

Index cards put me through college, Susan, so I know what you mean! I didn’t have time for traditional study time, so I reduce most of my notes to 3×5 cards and had them in my face between classes, waiting for dinner, the red light to change and even sitting in the bathroom! So I too was immediately attracted to Steliana’s card idea.

Like you, I used to yearn for happiness while I blamed the world for its absence. Unfortunately, it took me years to figure out that happiness was always inside me, accessible any time I wanted. Better late than never!

I’ve created a life that supports my values and every day I say how lucky I am to have the life I have and the people in my life. I’m drawn in by my children’s beauty every day as I constantly tell them how much I love them. My husband is amazing and I tell him that I think so on a regular basis.

Whenever I’m feeling frustrated or down, I know that it’s my choice to turn that around and I do.

Paige, indeed happiness is something you DO. you are the sole responsible, as long as you are a grown up, for your own internal happiness. I look fwd reading your latest post.Steliana recently posted … Open Evening – The Hague, 21st of June

So good to see you! You’re right, life is awesome! Just curious, how did you come to the realization that happiness is always accessible? Self-discovery? A book? Online? Friends? For me, it was an evolution of sorts. I think my first real kick in the pants was when I read James Allen’s “As A Man Thinketh.”

Just gotta say, I think this is beautiful: “I’ve created a life that supports my values and every day I say how lucky I am to have the life I have and the people in my life. I’m drawn in by my children’s beauty every day as I constantly tell them how much I love them. My husband is amazing and I tell him that I think so on a regular basis.”

Learning that happiness comes from within and is always accessible was a process. For many years I was a “personal development junkie.” Unfortunately, I was always looking for something or someone outside of myself to make my life better. Essentially, I wasn’t really understanding much of what I was reading and listening to.

My learning process came to a head when my husband and I were having a particularly bad time. I wanted him to do certain things and be a certain way that I thought would make me happy. He resisted. When I felt like everything I could think of trying wasn’t working, I “gave up.” I stopped trying to get him to do or be anything and let him be himself. I realized that it was up to me to decide how I wanted to feel about who he was or what he did.

I was reading Gay Hendricks’ “Conscious Living” at that time and it had a profound effect on me. Reading this book, I felt like I was struck by lightening, coming to true understanding of what personal responsibility really meant. I had always been a “responsible person” who did a lot of blaming. I suddenly realized that I attract everything in my life.

I started to question how I was contributing to my husband’s behavior. I took responsibility for my part of the problem and began making changes. I accepted him for who and what he was without trying to change him.

Welcome, Steliana! What a pleasure to read your post. It is pretty much representative in varying degrees for many of us – re what we’ve gone through in terms of leading the corporate life and then transcending to happiness, which we’ve re-discovered in the wonderful little things that make up life.

I ditched my four-inch heels and three-outfits-a-day to happily switch over to mommyhood – just like that – 16 years ago! Life was full of challenging adjustments with unexpected health-challenges my Mom had to face. Yet we found that together, it was easier to recognize the joys, especially with a baby at home. Life centered around him and we loved it. When he smiled, everything else paled in comparison. Like my Mom always said, if we decide to notice, it is easy to find pluses in everything. We did.

Today, I love my Work-At-Home lifestyle in a totally different career – that of a freelance writer and enjoy it tremendously, largely because I am also a stay at home Mommy to my son. I get lots of time with my family and friends and that is priceless. Happy minds are happy people. 🙂

We have the choice. To your list of ten questions – I might add :”What do I want to let go of?”

Thank you very much for an insightful post, Steliana. I had a tough time writing this comment because I couldn’t take my eyes off that sweet baby. There’s nothing more delightful than a baby’s gurgle/chuckle/laughter.

Thank you Vidya. I like your added question: What do I want to let go of? That’s something I still need to figure out for myself these days.Steliana recently posted … Open Evening – The Hague, 21st of June

You’re a gem, Vidya! Everything I learn about you just makes me love you more! My wife and I worked different shifts for our first child. So when our second child came, she said enough is enough and has been a stay-at-home mom since. It’s been a financial sacrifice, but not an emotional one. I can’t agree with you more when you mention that when your child smiles, everything else pales in comparison.

Great addition to the list of questions, Vidya! ”What do I want to let go of?” Such an important part of the process. I’ll add it to my list too now!

Also agree with you that it’s hard to take my eyes off the baby. Too adorable!

Ah, nothing like a beautiful new life showing up to teach us some happiness lessons — if we are open to learning them! That goes for grandparents as well as new parents. My daughter and granddaughter have moved in with us for the baby’s first year, and morning after morning I hold my sleeping grandbaby (10 weeks old now) and waves of love and joy cascade over me. I think of what I should be writing or painting or happiness workshops I should be marketing … but all I want to do is give and receive love with my beloved Madeleine. I remind myself that her infancy won’t last forever, and I need to be in the moment — though I worry some about $$, and also as a grandmother, I can get tired.

Anyway, mostly I just feel the joy. For me, it’s also helpful sometimes to analyze why babies and other miracles in our lives bring such happiness. Sharing that analysis can perhaps help others understand the value for them in the principles of positive psychology research. Here was one such analysis a few weeks back, when Madeleine was even newer: http://happinessparadigm.wordpress.com/2012/04/10/happiness-is-a-new-baby/

Great point about being open to learn the lessons life (and babies) have to teach us, Ginny!

As a teacher I know that it doesn’t much matter how well prepared you are to teach a concept, if the student is not open to the lesson, nothing will be learned.

Here’s how I look at it: I can write all the greatest posts the blogosphere has ever known and touch millions of live the world over. But still, the most important work I will ever do is one-on-one inside my own home. So kudos to you, Ginny, for taking in your daughter and grandchild and slowing down enough to pick her up and fill her with the love that will make all the difference in her precious life.

I honestly don’t know what my heart wants. But I’ve been trying to get in touch with it lately. This is probably the 3rd blog post I came across today that mentioned the same message, “Do what you love”
I hope to find that passion, that “thing” that I would do just for the sake of doing it.
It’s kind of sad that I haven’t found it yet.

Mike Park, what could help is to take some time to listen to your heart and you will hear it. For me, it was all about tonning down my lifestyleSteliana recently posted … Open Evening – The Hague, 21st of June

If your photo is up to date, you’re still a young guy. Try not being so hard on yourself. Your passion will come. I’m 47 years old and just stumbled into blogging (my new-found passion) a little over a year ago.

Three suggestions for finding something you can be passionate about:

1. Read broadly. The more you read about life, the broader your vision will be about the possibility life offers.

2. Experience life. Travel. Explore. Try new things. We gave our daughter experiences more than things as she grew up. I think she’s been blessed by it. Pick up a guitar and learn to play it. Take a scuba diving course. Go hiking. Ski. Learn to paint. Write poetry. Well, you get the point. Experience what’s out there. It just may open your eyes to something exciting. Bu the key is in the doing, not the waiting for something to do to wonder up and pull you out the door.

3. Don’t look for “THE” passion you’re missing. Find something you can be passionate about. See the difference? The first has us looking for that one thing, that ultimate goal for life. That one is easy to miss. The other part of that sentence suggests that we are not trapped unless we feel ourselves trapped. So avoid that kind of thinking and go track down a few proper experiences and have them!

Farouk, keep doing the things you love. And if you feel you lost your way, you can always use the index cards and the 10 questions:) I’ve already used them 2 times in the past 4 years and it always helps.Steliana recently posted … Open Evening – The Hague, 21st of June

Thank you for your post what struck me is how of often we over look the “little things” in life so often we strive so hard and many of thing every day must be marvelous or we have somehow failed.

In fact one researcher who took on the grim job of analyzing the hidden assumptions in suicide notes found that they usually assumed that every day must be amazing or they had failed.

The research found such tendencies in his own life. He felt we had to continually achieve. It’s often what the personal development movement advocates but you’d probably be better enjoying every moment and making sure you continued to have an average day (not a “typical” day) but an average one where you consistently plugged away to achieve.

I think you would appreciate a post I wrote some time ago that addresses that very issue, that we can live a very fulfilling life by simply living the ordinariness of every day. It’s called A Satisfying Life is Good Too. I’d love to know what you think about it.

What you said about the suicide notes is absolutely fascinating. It’s really sad too to think that there are people who may otherwise be living beautiful lives. But just because each day doesn’t live up to some perceived expectation, they make a permanent exit.

So much of life is in its perception. And so much can be improved by simple tweaks in how we interpret life. Thanks for reminding us here!

That picture is priceless! Thanks for sharing a wonderful post with an inspiring story. Definitely worth a share. Sometimes, we get too caught up with what we want, but forget to ask ourselves if we really are happy.Janine recently posted … how to balance relationships

Thank you for your beautiful comment Janine. I know what you mean by saying”sometimes we get too caught up with what we want”. So many times in the past I was at risk at loosing the perspective. Luckily I have a great husband who knows how to remind me of that. You made a great point, it makes me think indeed

So true, Janine! To stop and look around and take in and truly and deeply enjoy all that surrounds us, even as we go about the mundaneness of living, will ratchet up our happiness several notches. You’re also right about Steliana’s post. I loved it as soon as I opened it up to read. I was excited about posting it here. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with us.

Imogen, I share your views about overlooking the “little things in life”. Ithaca Journey poem by P. Cavaffy has been a real enlightment for me on thisSteliana recently posted … Open Evening – The Hague, 21st of June

I think that the heart wants what it wants, you cannot resist. Everybody has to find their own happiness and the peace of mind as well…Franziska recently posted … Sommerzeit bedeutet für mich Grillzeit!

True. I agree with you, Franziska, that the heart does want what it wants. But I also believe we can learn to school our hearts to want what’s best for us.

There are people who “fall in love” with abusive people over and over again, for instance. Their hearts seek out these people. But they don’t have to continue falling for those types of guys. Hearts can be taught to expect and want and even yearn for something higher, better, kinder.

And while there are universal principles of happiness, it is often in the detail that you’re dead on, that we have to find our own happiness, following our hearts along the way.

Thank you so much for the awesome and touching and insightful post. You have a wonderful way of expressing yourself. Like others have said, I love the card idea. What a useful tool for checking ourselves to make sure we’re on track, living the lives we were meant to live. And thank you for sharing a part of the journey you’ve traveled and the wisdom you’ve gained along the way.

Leave a response

A Walk Through HappinessGet my FREE eBook and monthly newsletter by subscribing below!

Email Address*

First Name

Your email will NEVER be shared with anyone

About Me

My name is Ken Wert, the founder of M2bH. My purpose here is to teach you how to live a richer life of greater purpose and meaning, of mind-blowing possibility and deeper, more soul-satisfying happiness than you ever dreamt was possible. Join us on this happy adventure as you learn how to unlock your hidden potential to enjoy the rewards of a life well lived. Read more ...