‘Game of Thrones’ Recap: Another Queen Bites the Dust

Warning: This recap for “The Queen’s Justice” episode of Game of Thronescontains spoilers.

Like an average game of Monopoly, a game of thrones could take years to play. Also, there are a million rules to follow, rampant cheating, the banker is usually a jerk, and most debates end in murder. But when you are ready for a game of thrones to finally conclude so that everyone can go to bed, the best way to move ahead is to start eliminating players one by one. And because Season 7 of THIS Game of Thrones is starting to feel like a time-lapse montage more than a show, the board-clearing continued this week in “The Queen’s Justice”! Dorne, House Tyrell, both gone! It was like one of RuPaul’s famous double elimination episodes, with two strong queens suddenly out of the running for the grand prize of makeup or whatever. And despite the tragic loss of one of the show’s all-time great characters, it was a pleasure to behold. Let’s talk about this episode!

We began with a dinghy arriving onshore in a dinghy.

I don’t know how long YOU expected it to take Jon Snow to travel across the continent. … Weeks? Months? But as it turned out, it took about 45 minutes in light traffic. So now here he was at Stormborn, honoring Daenerys’s eVite. It did not appear as though Jon Snow brought a nice bottle of white wine, but there’s a chance Ser Davos was hiding it under his gown.

I loved the quick moment when Tyrion and Jon Snow had to bro-code a little bit about the fact that Tyrion had, yes, married Sansa, but no, he didn’t never do nothin’ sexual with her, bro.Glad we cleared that up! (Also I had completely forgotten about that plotline; it felt like another lifetime ago. When Game of Thrones felt like a fictional representation of world politics.)

Oh, that’s when a dragon swooped down and shrieked sweet nothings into Jon Snow’s ear. He did not appreciate being spooked like this! But Dragons, y’know. What are you gonna do?

Melisandre didn’t get to hang out with the party because she was probably a li’l nervous about Jon Snow wanting to execute her for that time she murdered a child, so instead she just stood on a cliffside staring into the middle distance. Because Varys loves a little drama, he went up and shouted at her about being messy or whatever, and she was like, “Oh, I’ll be back, and you and I will have a dance-off.” Or whatever you want to call it when schemers-gone-good battle it out for the benefit of mankind. Basically she told him that they’re both fated to die in Westeros, and few things are as rude as prophesizing someone’s death to their face. Varys did not love it.

So then this scene happened, and in my opinion it’s been the moment everyone’s been waiting for for a real long time. Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen shouted their résumés at each other across a cavernous room for about half an hour!

Now it’s true they’ve both accomplished a lot … mass murders, self-resurrections, advanced wig maintenance. But the main difference Daenerys and Jon Snow currently share is not being on the same page about ice zombies. He was like, “dead dudes” this and “ghoul army” that, and Daenerys was like, “Why aren’t you bowing more?” Still, you could tell they saw in each other a kindred spirit. (Maybe even literal kin?) And, yeah, again, long time coming.

Then Theon was dragged aboard a boat where he was DRAGGED. Now,it’s true that he always looks wet in general, but here he was especially waterlogged as he shame-facedly claimed that he had no choice but to RUN AWAY when Euron captured his sister. I guess we’ll find out if he’s right! (Still feels like he can Reek his way into some good low-key sabotage later, so fingers crossed.)

Ugh, this guy. So, Euron thoroughly sucks, and that’s just how it’s going to be. I think what bothered me about this season’s sudden Euron domination is how he’s a character who just showed up out of nowhere and is now leading characters (we’ve followed for YEARS) through the streets in chains. Get out of here, you undeserving piece of wet trash. Sure, Ellaria and the Sand Snakes weren’t the most developed characters, but they are infinitely more deserving of our respect than this Hollywood Boulevard pirate impersonator.

The “gift” Euron had alluded to had been the capture of Ellaria and a Sand Snake so that Cersei could exact justice for what had happened to her daughter Myrcella. In this case it meant kissing the Sand Snake with the same poisoned lipstick that Ellaria had used, then forcing Ellaria to watch her daughter slowly succumb to an agonizing death. So, not a great day for Ellaria or her daughter, or Dorne in general. A GREAT day for Cersei, though.

Liiiike, yes, she did deliver a royal blowie to her brother and they cuddled well into morning. Yep, everyone’s favorite sister-brother steamfest was BACK ON.

Unfortunately, Cersei still had some problems, the main one being she was getting calls from creditors and debt collectors and she was gonna have to call AOL to make her email stop. In other words, she owed the Iron Bank so much cash, and it was clear she was going to really have to come up with a crafty plan to pay them back if she intended to remain queen. We’ve all been there.

I appreciated this moment when Tyrion hinted to Jon Snow that even though Jon and Dany’s meeting had gone nowhere, he was still on Jon’s side. And that meant basically he’d hook Jon up with some Dragonglass so that he could go around and stab some “walking deadmen.” Sweet, right?

Even Daenerys seemed OK with the idea of Jon not technically taking the knee for her, as she probably believed deep down he was coming from a place of sincerity and that they’d eventually have to team up for something. Might as well lay the foundation for a friendship first, right?

I officially hate Bran now, because check out the smug look on his face when he was finally reunited with his sister after, like, five years of torment and tragedy:

No, no, I hate it. Get out of here! When they finally had a chance to reconnect he just sorta pretended he was too important to speak like a human being. EXCEPT for when he decided to, like, bring up her brutal rape? Ugh, I don’t care if Bran is now a mythological seer who promises to be a linchpin in the fight between the living and the dead. HE SUCKS. Hodor’s death was NOT worth this.

As I think you expected, Ser Jorah’s greyscale was cured! Despite the procedure requiring the complete sloughing of, like, 40 pounds of skin, he looked pretty healed the next morning. Now he just needs some shirts that aren’t soaked through with pus and he’ll be good to go! But as punishment for defying orders in order to save lives, Samwell was sentenced to, like, study. Take that, you knowledge-craving rascal!

The episode then concluded with one of those classic character-explains-a-strategy AS we see it unfold. In this case we saw the Unsullied attempt to take over Casterly Rock only to discover their ships were attacked by Euron, and MEANWHILE the Lannister army was elsewhere, robbing an old lady.

THIS was how Cersei intended to pay off her debts. When Jaime arrived to see to it that Lady Olenna was executed for her crimes of, like, ever meeting Cersei, he at least had the kindness to give her a cup of painless poison. I loved how she chugged THE S**T out of it. Sometimes you’ve just had enough of a game of thrones.

But Olenna being Olenna, she looked Jaime in the eye and not only called Joffery the c-word for old time’s sake, she straight-up bragged that SHE had been the one to poison him, and feel free to pass that tidbit on to Cersei! Even in death, Olenna remained a delightful badass to the end. I can’t lie, losing Olenna as a character is almost too huge. God, she was great. Goodbye, you unforgettable favorite.

“The Queen’s Justice” was a happening episode, in my opinion. A lot of meetups and convos about scheming, but it also continued clearing the table for the main factions to finally clash. Yes, the timeline is getting increasingly wacky, not just with travel times, but with how long sequences took to transpire. Still, this series is turning into a montage of greatest moments all the time, so it’s hard to be mad about that. We’ll probably be losing a couple of dozen more fan favorite characters in the next 10 episodes, so we might as well get used to it. Still, we’ve been in this world for so long, their deaths feel like actual pain! I’m ready for more.