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You Lead…

Lately I’ve been thinking about why my life is what it is! Sounds like a deep question right, but honestly it’s not! The last few weeks, in particular the loss of my sweet nephew, the changes happening in my career and schooling, and some changes happening at James’ work, have got me thinking about how my perspective has shifted. It’s little things I notice here and there, nothing major or dramatic but little moments that 2 months ago may have put me over the edge that NOW just cause me to shrug my shoulders and keep plodding forward.

My Purpose Statement…

In conversations I’ve had, I see the subtle changes, the desire to reflect my beliefs more clearly and also to care less how others perceive me. That last part may seem a bit absurd and negative but I’ll explain it a little deeper in a moment. What I want to show you first is a song! I hear many successful individuals talk about their mission or vision or purpose statement. They talk about how families should really have these types of things so when parenting they have something to refer back to, a constant or a place to guide their children. I blogged not that long ago about such a presentation on a TED Talk that I’d enjoyed (you can read about that one here) and I still firmly believe that there is value in having tangible goals and statements that your family can claim as their own but I truly had a difficult time fitting that into what our family actually looks like and even more so for me as an individual because often goals, visions, purposes change as life events occur and circumstances change our journey. One thing that has always reached deep into my soul is music. Simple lyrics, combined with beautiful melodies seem to resonate with me in a way that no purpose statement could ever touch. The other day I was listening to a song that I’ve had in my collection for a few months already but the lyrics jumped out so clearly as exactly the perception that I have of what my life already looks like and what I want it to look like consistently. Hence the title of my post, “You Lead”.

Hearing the Music…

As I listened to the music and heard the lyrics with a fresh pair of ears, I realized that the simplicity of the words are so often how I’ve seen life. I make no qualms with anyone about my belief and trust in God, I’m not one to shove it down your throat, preach at you, inundate people with bible verses but make no mistake that I firmly believe in a Creator that has not and will not fail me. I will never claim to have all the answers or to understand the why’s and how’s of this world but I will claim a sense of peace and joy that overwhelms me at times and that has been my mainstay through some darker times.

Shifting Perspective…

As I have listened to that song a number of times over the last few days, I realize, that something inside me has shifted. A great example of these changes came last week as James came home from work with some significant news about his work situation, nothing bad, mind you, just some changes that will make life even more interesting for us next year! It will include some adjustment to our finances and normally that kind of change sets me down a road of serious panic but this time that response lasted for about 10 minutes and then the shoulder shrug appeared. In the bigger picture, is that really something to panic about? Has God not provided for our family in so many ways already and even in the darkest moments has he not proven that his presence and comfort prevails above all else? It just struck as extremely odd because I could look back just a few months and see myself reacting in an entirely different manner. A similar story to the financing for my school. The thought has crossed my mind that issues may arise in the places that I’ve counted on to gain access to funds for school but there is no pit in my stomach only a vague awareness that it may be different than what I expected. Leaving my job has obviously been on my mind, as well, I’ve loved the children I’ve encountered and the parents that raise them. Seeing the joy that they often have and the carefree approach they have when it comes to life has always been refreshing to me. Sometimes I’ve seen how the children have understood so much more than I have when we’ve been working through lessons or discussions and knowing that I am walking away from that blessing has been bittersweet. BUT, again, I have not felt any sense of panic or uncertainty or turmoil about how things will pan out for them once I’m no longer in my position. In fact I trust that God will bring someone on board who is even better than me, who has fresh, inspiring ideas and a passion for teaching these kids that outshines everything I’ve done. Not that long ago, I may have had a harder time letting go, worrying that perhaps the position would not be filled right away, concern that whomever took my place would not have as great a love as I have for the children as individuals, etc. Having said all this, it doesn’t mean I don’t have questions or feel a sense of anticipation for how it might actually look, but overall, I just feel calm.

Seeing Me…

One of the other areas that has definitely become more pronounced is my desire to be myself. Perhaps my wording earlier was too harsh…I DO care what people think but my main concern lies more within the perimeters of caring what I think of myself and how my actions, words, thoughts, and beliefs reflect what God is doing in my life and not so much how humans perceive them. As humans we tend to be subjective, specifically when it comes to looking at those around us. We do get caught up in our own judgement despite our best efforts, I know I’m guilty of that MANY times over. That’s not to say that there isn’t a time and place to insert your intuitions, observations, wisdom and understanding when it comes to others situations BUT it is almost impossible to know the depth of another’s life situation in all it’s fullness and therefore we must come to a point of letting go of our expectations of others and moving forward for ourselves. I think that’s more how I intended that initial statement to sound. “I care what others think of me, but I’m letting go of trying to fulfill their expectations, allowing myself to disappoint them because I cannot be perfect and doing my best to follow where God is leading me, if that does not coincide with how or what they believe I should be doing, that is not my concern”!! It’s a lesson I think we all learn to one degree or another over the course of our lives. Some of us take awhile to grasp and live it out while others come to it with ease and freedom.

In writing some of these posts I always feel the need to clarify that my own journey in life is unique. It is not and will not ever be without struggle. I do not often share in the moment of feeling the intense struggle, NOT because I have something to hide but because I want to see where God is taking a particular detour and understand how he’s using it to shape me before I blurt out the frustration and disappointment I feel. That is definitely something unique to me as I’ve read plenty of bloggers who share their deep anguish and anger in the midst of the turmoil and there is value to that as well. For some that is where the healing and understanding starts. I love that I can come to this place and share what I’ve learned or am learning and allow it to move others who have their own struggles or at the very least give voice and testament to who I am.