Thursday, March 31, 2005

There's Nothing to Fear, Nothing to Doubt

The following was recorded in 1993 by a comatose man who awoke for only 5 minutes turned to his wife and said only this….

“So there I am sitting in my living room watching my cats fight when all of a sudden I see a flash of light. It came from the direction of my kitchen, so I go over to investigate. As I enter I hear a rumbling in the oven. I open the oven door and then BAM! There’s a flash and I’m gone. A gas explosion destroyed the entire apartment.

So I ask myself, does any of this matter? Do the cars, the homes, the clothes, the CD’s, the food, the sex, the drugs, the health….does any of this matter? In a dream I once talked to myself. We were sitting in a 70’s style diner in Hollywood drinking coffee and we had the most meaningful conversation. I told myself that everything was going to be okay. That the world as I know it was also just a dream. That reality is just a dream. We talked about string theory and alternate dimensions. I asked myself if I created all of this darkness. I told myself that it’s just inverted light. Can you imagine my horror when I discovered that all things are connected in an ever revolving circle. Where’s the freedom? Where’s the choice? Where’s the incentive to do better? My old body is dead, the dream is dead.

So now I’m in this new dream. I inhabit this new body. This new person sits in front of a computer for 40 hours a week. I am repeating the mistakes of the last body. The explosion almost made me forget all of the living that I missed out on. Why am I still here talking? I should be living. You should be living too.”

The man immediately fell back into the coma and died shortly thereafter. I'm sure this happens a lot....

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

One of Those Days

Monday, March 28, 2005

Car Flavored Cheetos

Watch Planes Mistaken for Stars new video for “Spring Divorce”. It has a cute girl, a crazy man, and the band. Click the image to watch.

What ever you do, don’t see this movie. It’s so bad that I can’t even say its name. Normally I wouldn’t go near this shit, but the wife made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. She put a horse’s head in our bed with note that read, “See the fucking movie or next time it’ll be your head”…the only thing scarier than that was the chemistry (or lack there of) between Pierce Brosnan and Julianne Bore.

And finally, don’t be that asshole throwing around lawn darts half hazardly. Yeah it’s fun for a good 5-10 minutes, but don’t be the kid who gets carried away by trying to hit other kids. Those things are sharp!Death by lawn darts is the 85th largest killer in the United States, next to frisbee decapitations. They’re so dangerous that they got banned in 1988.

Let the Idiots Kill Themselves

Looks like there’s going to be an April shitstorm at the Arizona border. A bunch of anti- immigration civilians known as “the Minuteman Project” will be patrolling the US/ Mexican border starting April 4th.“More than 1,000 volunteers are expected to take part in the Minuteman vigil, which will include civilian patrols along a 20-mile section of the San Pedro River Valley, which has become a frequent entry point to the United States for foreigner headed north.”- The Washington Times

But that alone doesn’t equal a shitstorm. This does… “Members of a violent Central America-based gang have been sent to Arizona to target Minuteman Project volunteers - California and Texas leaders of Mara Salvatrucha, or MS-13, have issued orders to teach "a lesson" to the Minuteman volunteers.” - The Washington Times (read the full article)

Now MS-13 is an incredibly violent gang from El Salvador and Honduras. Most of their members are ex-guerilla fighters and they are on the rise in the US. It appears the anti- immigration assholes from the Minuteman Project have gotten themselves in a little pickle. Don’t get me wrong, I despise “patriotic” morons as much as I hate dickhead gang members. I hope they all kill each other.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Death Is Getting Pissed!

Dear God,What up nigga’? I know we haven’t seen eye to eye since I was about 7 years-old, but can you please kill a few of your followers for me? A bolt of lightening or a flood will do. The only one’s that need to be exterminated are those crazy ass pro-life/ right-to-life dumbfucks. They need to die because they keep fucking up your shit. I understand you’ve been expecting Terri for about 10 years now. These Christians are delaying the fucking process. The Grim Reaper called and he’s pissed too! So please God, if you do this I promise to change my beliefs from atheist to agnostic. I mean, it’s the least I can do. Thanks a lot! Oh, and if you have a chance, can you make George W. choke on another pretzel? Thanks God, you’re the best!Love,D. Dagger

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

6 Reasons to Hate the Nuge

Ted Nugent is the biggest asshole in the history of rock n’ roll. To even call his music rock is an insult to rock. So let me rephrase. The “Nuge” is the biggest asshole in all of white trash america. This statement is true for the following reasons:

#1- His music sucks. If “Cat Scratch Fever” is the best this cocksucker has to offer, then he ranks right up there with Ashley Simpson and Milli Vanilli. He still gloats about selling out shows in the 1970’s. Hey Teddy, that doesn’t mean shit. Look at New Kids on the Block, they sold out a ton of concerts and they sucked almost as much as you do.

#2- He kills animals with a bow and arrow. It’s bad enough fat fucking rednecks kill innocent animals with guns, but a bow and arrow? C’mon man, that’s like downgrading from a mobile home to a trailer. Hunting is for primates who haven’t evolved yet.

#3- He’s an ugly, almost fugly, looking creature who thinks women actually want him. I guess some do. Mainly the one’s with feathered hair, fat asses, fatter guts, no teeth, and who like to be treated like shit. I wouldn’t call the Nuge a sexist, because you need to be a little bit human for that. Growing up, my neighbor had a smelly dog that always used to hump the apple tree outside. That’s Ted.

#4- Apparently he’s a racist too according to a recent Live radio interview he did. Yeah, no surprise there. He even got dropped from a festivaldue to his “racial slurs”. He’s not even a dog, because even dogs have more respect and brains than that. So I’m gonna have to drop the Nuge to a rat now.

#5- In the late 60’s Jimi Hendrix offered him a joint and the Nuge supposedly declined because he was “straight”. What a fucking dickhead. If Jimi offered you a smoke, you fucking smoke. It was Jimi Hendrix for fucks sake. If Jimi said, “Hey Ted, suck my dick”, you’d better have said “how hard?”…That’s even admitting that Ted didn’t do drugs. His first band, the Amboy Dukes, put out a record with a bunch of pipes and such on the cover. It was called “Journey to the Center of the Mind”….remember, the Nuge was straight. About as straight as a fucking crack whore.#6- Teddy has such a hard on for Dubya that he now lives in good ole’ Crawford, TexAss. Oh man, even rats aren’t Republican. Ted is now the equivalent to a cockroach. He’s an ugly, slimey, little fucking roach. And you know what we do when there’s a roach problem…we gas the fuckers!

Monday, March 21, 2005

Leaving the Line for the Nine

It looks like The Icarus Linelost a key player. Maniac guitarist Aaron North quit the band and now plays in fucking Nine Inch Nails. Yeah, you heard right. That’s like upgrading from Keira Knightley to Angelina Jolie. Aaron is the same dude who broke the glass case that held Stevie Ray Vaughans' guitar and tried to play it while performing at SXSW. Aaron's also the dude who threw a P.A. into the crowd at Sunset Junction. Word on the street is that Aaron was the first kid Michael Jackson "touched"....I'd be angry too. Here’s the interview he did for Blabbermouth.net

Sp1at.com: What is the status between you and THE ICARUS LINE?Aaron North: "I quit the band. I was over it. I did not quit THE ICARUS LINE to join NINE INCH NAILS, I quit THE ICARUS LINE about a month before I started playing with NIN."Sp1at.com: Have you heard the new NIN album, and if so, what are your favorite tracks?Aaron North: "I have... and I'm not going to tell you. I will say that it is an amazing and inspiring record. Really fun stuff to play."Sp1at.com: You piss on Robin Finck's shoes, according to Trent [Reznor]. What do you think of that?Aaron North: "I don't know. It's apples and oranges. My style and approach to guitar is nothing like that dude's. I've only seen him play once... when my old band played a festival in Japan with GUNS N' ROSES... he seems like a great guitar player, but like i said, apples and oranges."

Good for him, but I wonder how will it affect the Icarus Line’s sound. Aaron definitely added a distinct freak-out element to the band both in the studio and on stage. Well kids, here’s a brand new Icarus Line song to rock out to while you ponder that question. It comes courtesy of a really awesome fansite called separatethesounds.com. Check it out.

FUCK THE BORDER

I live in California. I see the day laborers at Home Depot everyday. I see them on the corner selling fruit. I see them picking strawberries in the field. I see so-called illegal immigrants everywhere and I LIKE WHAT I SEE. I like seeing people coming here to work and support our economy. I like seeing people coming here to provide a better future for their children. What’s the big fucking deal? Health care? Diseases? Bullshit. These migrant workers put more into the economy than they take out. If all these republican assholes are worried about getting sick, then why not give money to eradicate diseases in South America and Mexico. All these mainly white conservatives think that California and America as a whole will turn into some “third world cesspool”. They claim to be patriots, but they are all just racists. Are Latinos not good enough to mow your fucking lawn now? Are they not good enough to wash your dishes or cook your food? Who’s gonna do all this shit? Who’s going to be the backbone of our economy? Certainly not the one’s who bitch and spout racist immigration propaganda. Not the one’s holding anti-day laborer ralliesat Home Depot. Not the one’s filling the airwaves withhateful fear radio.

The solution is simple. Open up the border so human beings don’t have to die trying to get here. Give all immigrants work visas. Give them the necessary vaccinations. Have them pay for a government sponsored healthcare program. Let them come and let them work. It really is that easy, but conservatives will never agree with such a plan because it’s not about healthcare or diseases. The real problem is the color of their skin. It’s modern day segregation disguised as pro-american ideals.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

D. Dagger VS The Doomriders

As you can tell by my last post, the creative juices here at the Dagger have reached an all time high. I hope at least one person found the Coco interview entertaining, but my goal was to make you vomit….Now it’s time for the rock and the roll!

I was perusing through Converge’s website and found this posting for a new rock/metal/thrash band called The Doomriders. I was almost sold on the band’s logo alone, but then I heard the music and almost shit my pants….okay, I did shit my pants. These songs rock in a sludgy thrashy Ride the Lightning kind of way. Kurt from Converge will be producing their record and it’s scheduled for a mid-2005 release on Deathwish Records. Here’s what the posting said about these kids:

“DOOMRIDERS are comprised of a stellar lineup featuring Nate Newton (CONVERGE, OLD MAN GLOOM), along with Jebb Riley (THERE WERE WIRES, DISAPPEARER), Chris Pupecki (CAST IRON HIKE), and Chris Bevalaqua (HALLRAKER). DOOMRIDERS wall of sound is the bastard child of Classic Rock, Death N' Roll and raging Skate Rock. With a majority of their songs Skate inspired, they push forth with a heaviness that brings to mind later era Entombed and Integrity, while their raw punk bursts conjure memories of the legendary JFA.”

Monday, March 14, 2005

The Coco Interview

Straight off her Best in Show victoryin Birmingham, England, Coco aka Champion Cracknor Cause Celebre gives her first interview to D. Dagger Presents… Coca talks candidly about her victory, her 3 brand new babies, and what the future has in store for this beautiful well-spoken bitch. Coca flew me out to her 1,000 acre compound in scenic Malibu, CA. Coco lives in a beautiful DogCastle and we met on her gorgeous balcony over looking the majestic Pacific Ocean.

D. Dagger- Wow Coco, you have some spread here!Coco- Thank you my dear, just watch out for the shit on the floor.

D. Dagger- Haha. Oh Coco, they told me you were a jokester.Coco- No seriously, this place is covered in shit and piss. I’m a fucking dog you blind asshole….next question!

D. Dagger- How tough was the competition this year?Coco- It was about as tough as watching a cat lick his asshole….yeah, not very. But I will say that Schnauzer was fucking huge. What was his name? Phil? That motherfucker scared the kibble outta me. I was like, “You got to be kidding, that mofo is the size of Texas”.

D. Dagger- Well Coco, you bring up an interesting topic. How rampant is steroid use amongst the pure breeds?Coco- Steroid use? Who the fuck are you, Barbara Walters?! Haha, Hey everybody, we got fucking Martin Bashir over here….No, no my dim witted human friend, there isn’t any steroid use. That Schnauzer was strictly on growth hormones.

D. Dagger- Coco, I hate to break the news to you, but growth hormones are considered steroids.Coco- Oh really? How did you get so fucking smart all of a sudden. What? Are you a PhD now, Physically Handicapped Dumbass?!...haha, I’m just messing with you dickhead. Of course there’s steroid use. Just look at my little girl over there. Her name is Apple, but she’s bigger than the fucking Big Apple. I’m afraid she’s gonna bite off my tit when I feed her, she drinks so much milk.

D. Dagger- How did you pick those names?Coco- Well, Apple’s piss smells like apples. So that was a no brainer. J. Edgar Hoover is my little boy who likes to dress in drag. So that also, was a no brainer. And my girl America likes to start shit with the other pups and attack without any probable cause. Once again, a no brainer.

D. Dagger- I hear you will be retiring now. How does it feel to go out on a high note?Coco- Well Dagger, I wasn’t really high until I got back to the limo. My best-friend Moses made some killer fucking pot-brownies. We all got so fucked up in the limo. I was sticking my ass out the window. It was out there for so long I think I actually got fucked up the ass at a red light.

D. Dagger- hahaCoco- No seriously shithead! My ass still bleeds when I take a dump. I think it was that little fucker Triumph or “Triumph The Insult Dog” like you stupid humans call him. He’s been trying to sniff my ass for 3 years now. I had to get a fucking restraining order against him….But anyway, that’s a different story for a different interview and I’m not that drunk yet.

D. Dagger- I heard you had an altercation backstage with India, the Belgian Shepherd.Coco- Ah fuck! Where’s my fucking publicist??!! I specifically said, “No questions about that bitch India!” What are you? Deaf and dumb?

D. Dagger- I---I---I’m so sorry Coco. It totally slip….Coco- Fuck you Dagger. This interview’s over! I said over, you fucking prick! Get the hell off my property before I bite your nuts off!!!!

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Peek a Boo, Al Qaeda Sees You

Those bastards!! They can blow up our buildings and kill our soldiers, but trying to kidnap our Hollywood starsis going way too far. I was shocked and awed when I heard that those evil terrorists were going to kidnap our beloved Russell Crowe as part of their sick "cultural destabilization plot.” And what if they accomplished this?! What would become of 30 Odd Foot of Grunts? Would they disband or go on the mysterious “hiatus”. And what about Crowe’s incredible film legacy?? Will there ever be another Romper Stomper? So many questions, so many scenarios. What if Al Qaeda and his crew decide to target Julia Roberts or Tom Hanks? TOM HANKS?! I loved him in The Terminal opposite Cathrine Zeta Jones. I would rather die in a nuclear holocaust than to live another day without our precious movie stars. To hell with terrorism! Long live media induced complacency and governmental sedation!

Monday, March 07, 2005

Paris Hilton says "Coachella is HOT"

So Coachella is just around the corner and there are a few bands I wouldn’t mind seeing. Does this mean I’m gonna go? No fucking way mi amigo. I went the last 2 years and was fortunate enough to be in the VIP area. Now I know what you’re saying, “Only hipster cocksuckers go in the VIP area.” Call me what you want, but when everyone else was roasting in 103 degree temperatures and waiting in huge ass lines to piss and eat, I was under a shady tree sipping a free frosty alcoholic beverage and listening to some good music. But even in the pampered VIP area, Coachella was too unbearable. That sun, that hot ass motherfucking sun. And those tents, ahh those hot ass motherfucking sweaty tents. And the TRAFFIC, the long slower than shit motherfucking traffic....Yeah, fuck that noise.

Last year I heard Q and not U. I say heard because the tent was so packed that I was at the very back and the only thing I could do was hear that great D.C. band and smell stinky armpits. If I went on my tippy toes I saw glimpses of the band. It sucked because most of those chodes were there for Beck who was playing right after. So Coachella is no fun no matter who’s playing. The seeing good bands to being in the middle of the fucking desert ratio is way off. Plus you gotta add in the motel cost, gas, food, cigarettes….it’s just not worth it. I can’t believe people actually fly in for this shit. Go to Hawaii instead.

But just for shits and giggles, here’s who I would see if I was actually going.Saturday, April 30thBauhausCocteau TwinsWilcoSnow PatrolSage FrancisBloc PartyMercury RevFantomasM83MF DoomBuck 65The Chemical Brothers

Bands You Should Stay Away From at CoachellaColdplay (the kings of bore rock)Weezer (fucking break-up already. Pinkerton was good, but just end it kids)Rilo Kiley (overrated)Bright Eyes (I heard Conor is going to make all of Coachella fall asleep)The Prodigy (the comeback everyone could care less about)Thrice (Their tour manager tricked them into thinking it’s really the Warp Tour)Stereophonics (this band is so awful it hurts. They’re huge in the UK though)The Bravery (the newest from the “dance-punk” revival. Gang of Four is gonna school these pricks)The Locust (hot, sweaty, and now 30 seconds of pure torture. The last band still playing power violence. Even Spazz thinks they’re lame.)

Friday, March 04, 2005

I Don't Feel So Old Anymore

Is this a 125 year-old woman or is it Skeletor?He-Man….ahh, those were the days. I had the biggest crush on She-Ra. Just look at her…she was so hot….But anyway, I know it’s mean to make fun of a 125 year-old woman. She looks nothing like Skeletor, but she does look like this guy.

In other news, the dude who co-wrote “God Save The Queen" and "Anarchy In The UK” and who was eventually replaced by Sid Vicious is now a big ole’ pussy. Glen Matlock, the former Sex Pistol is now a daddy and says the BBC should regulate swearing on British TV….What the fuck is right. Who does this asshole think he is? Hey Glen, you were in the fucking Sex Pistols. Stop being a little bitch and read to your kids if you don’t want them to grow up to be a prick like their daddy. The fucking nerve.

And finally, we all can sleep easier tonight. R. Gregory Stevens, who was the Republican media advisor, was found dead at Princess Leia's house. Sources say Luke Skywalker killed him when he found out Stevens was actually working for the Dark Side. Read the full story here.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Coffee with Meg and Iggy

I saw Coffee and Cigarettes the other day and what a fucking bore fest that was. The premise is having a bunch of schmoes talking about stupid shit at a café while drinking coffee and (you guessed it) smoking cigarettes. The first segment had Roberto Benigni and Steven Wright chit chatting. What a great way to start a movie! Let’s have one dude from Italy where you can’t understand a word he’s saying and some “comic” from NYC who’s as exciting as a nun in a whorehouse….So yeah, this flick lost me within the first 5 minutes. But there were some classic moments that weren’t supposed to be funny.

The first was the Jack and Meg White segment. I forgot what it was about because I was so fixated on Meg. I have always said the only thing that girl has going for her is her big knockers. Other than that she has always struck me as a drummer with slight retardation. But have you ever seen this chicks’ teeth?? Oh man, that shit is priceless. Once she opens her mouth she looks like a short bus kid from some east European shithole country…fucking horrific. And then there’s her acting. How shall I put this….okay, got it! The bitch can’t act. And furthermore, Jack is a total dork who fucked Renée Zellweger…ewee is right. I heard that chick did the sucky sucky to get to the toppy toppy.

And the other hilarious segment was the one with the great Iggy Pop and the okay Tom Waits (I’ve never been a huge fan of his, so whateva). Now I love Iggy, no, no, I LOVE IGGY. I mean this is the dude who set the blueprint for punk rock when he was with The Stooges. Iggy is a legend, but Iggy can’t act. I would say stick to music, but after that last record (where he had those chodes from Sum 41 do two songs with him) I’m gonna haveta go with RETIRE FROM ALL MEDIA. Iggy had a great run, but now it’s time to end it, or at least do another Stooges record.

As for Tom Waits, well Tom is a badass and I don’t wanna say anything mean. If he wasn’t a musician who smoked too much, he’d probably be a mechanic who smoked too much.

So the moral of this post is that retards and guys named Iggy can’t act, but they can make you laugh. And isn’t that why we all wake up in the morning?!