Thursday, July 5, 2007

From the talented and well-endowed Lauren and Mandy of Girls Gone Sports came this entry in our keeper league contest, a sweet little story about one Julius Jones, featuring just a touch of racism!

We both hail from the magical shithole hamlet of Arlington, TX, the future home of Superbowl 2011. About a year ago we saw a flyer for the opening of a new Circuit City in our local mall, The Parks Mall, or as it's more appropriately referred to around here - The Darks Mall. Fittingly, Julius Jones was scheduled to make an appearance at the grand opening of the store to sign autographs and such. Intrigued, we grabbed our rape whistles, donned our kevlar and headed up to the Parks Mall to go meet Julius Jones. (Ed. Note: Yeah, that was pretty racist.)

Unfortunately for us, we got stuck in traffic on the way and missed damn near the entire event. We pulled up to the Circuit City about an hour late, but we could see from the glass exterior that Julius was still inside. We thought it would be funny to throw ourselves against the glass The Graduate style and scream "Julius JOOOOoooonnnes" to try and get his attention. However, neither Julius, his security detail, nor the staff of Circuit City found this to be even remotely amusing. Instead, an employee brandished a walkie talkie at us and barked "Get off the glass NOW!" So we ran around to the entrance to meet Julius before he made his exit.

It was at this moment that we both realized we had brought absolutely nothing for him to autograph. Undeterred, Mandy elected that I should just pull down my shirt and have Julius sign my boob. So we marched up to Julius as his staff was putting away the autograph table, and batting our lashes we politely asked if he would sign my titty. Everyone around here says that Julius is a super nice guy so we were sure that he wouldn't turn us away, but he silently looked me up and down, turned to one of his security guys and said:

"Tell Juggs and Red we be done."

...and then walked away. We stood there in horror and disbelief. What NFL star in his right mind would turn away a young, nubile white girl exposing her perky, milky white titty? It was the most degraded I had ever felt since that time Ron Jeremy thrust his hand down my shirt, tweaked my nipple and left me smelling of Old Spice. But at least that fucker signed my goddamned titty.

I don't know what kind of world we live in where a woman can't get what she wants by brazenly flaunting her rack to complete strangers, but I certainly don't want to live in it.

NOTE: Our good friends at The Nation of Islam didn't take too keenly to the nickname of that mall. But that's humor in Texas for you!

UPDATE: The girls at Lipstick Alley have thrown down the gauntlet at Lauren and Mandy. Key quote: "Thiss 'brotha' put her in her place!" Damn straight. It's an interracial catfight!

UPDATE #2: You have to register to get to that message board now. Shit. If you're a patron of Lipstick Alley and would like to curse out Lauren and Mandy in the comment section HERE, please feel free. KSK welcomes your scorn with open arms.

UPDATE #3: Sorry folks, I'm turning the comments off this post. As much as I like racial flame wars (RaFlaWa!), somebody's gotta be the disciplnarian here.