Sunday, 21 February 2016

Homeward bound...

Words from a Bird. Day 52

There has been a lot of banter going around this week between friends and family members as to the levels of service at my mum's house. As you all know, I have been staying here for the week recuperating after Tea Towel Night, and as time has progressed, it's become apparent that many people have stayed in the guest room, and that they are all quite territorial over it.

Mum's house has been renamed 'The B'n'B', and here is my review for anybody considering a visit:

Location
Situated in the leafy Chilterns, the establishment is ideally located for those guests looking to explore the beautiful countryside, or the fleshpots of Stokenchurch if their needs are more squalid.

Proprietors
A lovely couple run this guesthouse, and nothing is too much trouble for them. (Please bear in mind that they are both quite hard of hearing, so you might need to speak up on occasions).

Bedroom
The lady of the house is an early riser, standing guard by the kettle until she hears the slightest noise from the guestroom. At this point, she will bustle though the door without knocking, with a large mug of tea. (As a solo guest on my stay, this wasn't a problem, but couples should resort to the chair under the door handle trick if any semblance of privacy is to be maintained). She also has a vacuum fetish, so some level of co-ordination is necessary for relaxation times. Probably best to be out of the house between the hours of 10.00-4.59pm as this seems to be her preferred time for vacuuming.

Food and Beverages
Food is fresh, healthy and well cooked, as the lady of the house does not believe in microwave food. On the rare occasion that there is nothing hot available, a toasted tea cake and a walnut whip will be offered. I suggest you take it as breakfast can be sporadic at times. I noted that this was normally after the lady of the house had been out the night before. There does seem to be an underlying problem with alcohol - the drinks trolley is paraded up and down the corridor at 5.00pm each afternoon/evening (call it what you will) and much pressure is put on the guests to join in with Happy Hour(s).

Entertainment
This is limited to a television in the lounge, which seems incapable of showing anything other than 'action movies'. If you are a fan of this genre, you will be fine, but if your tastes lie elsewhere, can I recommend a book and a set of ear plugs. Bear in mind that the television will be on full volume to allow for the hard of hearing, so can I also suggest cotton wool balls and a balaclava on top of the ear plugs to make sure that your ears don't bleed from the noise pollution.

Dogs
Dogs are welcome, but please don't expect your canine companion to want to leave at the end of your stay. Actually, it's probably more accurate that he won't be able to leave, as he would have put so much weight on during his time here. The lady of the house in particular is quite prone to dropping (throwing) food on the floor whilst preparing the evening meal, and treats are handed out for no reason whatsoever.

So there you are. Percy and I are leaving reluctantly, but I have already booked us in for the same time next year.

I have even left a cash deposit to ensure that there is no double booking...