In Control, Leg 7

By Steve & Dave (08.22.2004)

Would it hurt if we added that we booed at Phil for puddling up, however convinced we were that he was drunk on pilfered Russian vodka?

Are we going to hell for being the only people in America who were rooting against Charla & Mirna? If not for that reason, maybe we are because we thought that Charla’s little speech at the finish line was incoherent, rambling, rambling, and incoherent (and not touching at all)? Would it hurt if we added that we booed at Phil for puddling up, however convinced we were that he was drunk on pilfered Russian vodka? How about our earlier booing when the Bowling Moms (one of our favorites) actually allied with C&M? Folks, you can like C&M as much as you want – the fact remains that they got a lot of help that no one else in TAR5 received. We can only imagine the cheer that went up in Loser Lodge when the folks there discovered that C&M were eliminated, followed by the general depression when they realized that C&M would soon be residents as well. We just hope they could check into the hotel without any help from production.

This episode showed a lot more of the anger and animosity that we’ve been sensing from this group of racers all along. We saw Christie block a door at an airport in an attempt to delay Charla & Mirna, with the ensuing name-calling. We saw an alliance of four out of the six teams formed with the express purpose of eliminating one team (and refusal to help any team that didn’t join the alliance), which dissolved swiftly and was no comparison to the “Twin Hunt” of season 3. We saw Nicole throw a temper tantrum and a $10 bill. We saw Brandon, Nicole, Kami, and Karli get into an argument with a bus driver. We saw Colin lose his cool (and his cookies) at the ostrich egg roadblock. We know that the stress of the race can cause you to lose control when you normally wouldn’t, but this group seems to lose it a lot easier than most. The only team that seems to be enjoying itself almost all the time is Chip & Kim. The Bowling Moms are doing reasonably well holding it together, but even they seem as though they are borderline at times.

We wonder if the overall downturn of attitudes this season is because no one is having any fun.

We wonder if the overall downturn of attitudes this season is because no one is having any fun. We understand, and believe the obvious restricted budget is to blame. Why, by the time we were eliminated in the fifth leg we got to stroll the city if Milan, take an incredible bus ride into the Italian Alps, zip line, wire walk, raft down a ski hill, float in Gondolas, carriage through the magnificent city of Vienna, bungee from a 1100 ft. tower, race at LeMans, rappel down a French cliff, drive Southern France, and boat through the canals of Amsterdam. This group zip-lined into a pool, took a paraglide ride, and did a double zip-line in Kenya. Whoopee. We hope a second or fifth Emmy loosens the purse strings. Start with the renewal of the Fast Forwards.

Here are a few things you should probably remember if you ever get the call to be a racer:

If you’ve just bought tickets on a flight that doesn’t leave until late tomorrow, you can probably do better.

You generally don’t have to pay for gas when you’re on a bus. If the driver asks you to, make sure he knows it is coming off your fare.

Mud puddles will get your shoes dirty. Going the long way around a mud puddle will get you eliminated.

Sometimes you can stop, look around, chat with the locals, and still finish first on a leg.

Paying $100 for a $3-$5 bus ride is pretty silly.

You don’t have to chew caviar. You DO have to chew eggs – that way they come back up easier.

Phil might cry if you say the right thing on the Amazing Bathmat. Or if you poke him in the eye with a stick.

63% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

It’s rating time! With a tip o’ the cap to the 2004 Athens Olympics, our categories and icons for this week are: “Likelihood of finishing first” (the Gold Medal icon), “This team is slowly falling apart” (the Parthenon icon), and finally the rating for “THOSE two are still in the race???!!!” (the Equestrian icon – aren’t YOU surprised it’s still an Olympic sport?).

Chip/Kim:

Dave: This leg was made for Chip & Kim. Had they not finished first it would have been a shame. I especially enjoyed Chip’s comment about seeing people who looked like him – although I didn’t really notice all that many heavy-set bald guys. Did anyone besides me feel that Chip & Kim’s reaction to Tanzania was reminiscent of Shola & Doyin in Nelson Mandela’s prison cell back in season 2?

They tried to enjoy the new cultures and they will have better memories of the race for having done so.

Steve: I adored Chip & Kim breaking bread, or in their case, having watermelon, with the locals. They tried to enjoy the new cultures and they will have better memories of the race for having done so. I so want them to win. They also seem to have more energy than the other teams. We knew they were not eliminated early in the episode because the post race interviews were spliced in and they were much too happy to have been knocked out.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:
3 GOLDS

1 PARTHENON

2 EQUESTRIANS

Colin/Christie:

Steve: Did you ever see the movie “Scanners” where the guy’s head explodes in a lunchmeat and strawberry Jell-O kind of way? Yeah, that’s Colin soon. Blam! And Christie will be like a horse at the finish with no jockey, no payoff. Maybe he’ll calm down now that their main adversaries are ousted, but according to the previews, I don’t think so.

Wow, some personality this week. Unfortunately, it was all EVIL.

Dave: Wow, some personality this week. Unfortunately, it was all EVIL. Coercing the other teams to form an alliance against C&M? Not helping teams that wouldn’t join? Brilliant!!! Actually, even I have to admit that the alliance thing was pretty juvenile, and it didn’t surprise me that it failed miserably – although watching Christie try to block the door did bring back fond memories of the Guidos. It was also good for a laugh when I saw Charla squirt right through. Hey Colin – trying to chug an excess amount of food isn’t that easy, is it? (No matter HOW encouraging/supportive your partner is…)

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

4 GOLDS

3 PARTHENONS

1 EQUESTRIAN

Linda/Karen:

Dave: I’m still trying to figure out how these two managed to jump into third after the rotten luck they had this leg. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not disappointed, just curious. I’m also wondering if they will be back in the C&C alliance’s good graces now that Charla & Mirna are gone. I feel that I must have missed something during the race though. Didn’t Linda have a fear of heights back in leg 1? I guess leg one’s zip-line must have cured her because there was no mention made of her fear this time.

Steve: Top 5 teams. Good going ladies. You guys look a little tired but I understand. No killer cab rides this week to take you down and what appeared to be a 36-hour pit stop should have refreshed you a little. I hope they stay cool and let the other teams self-destruct around them.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

1 GOLD

2 PARTHENONS

4 EQUESTRIANS

Brandon/Nicole:

Steve: At least you guys still have your passports and watches. I think that the driver did everything but pull out a gun. I’m hoping the WRP security forces had a visit with this guy after the cameras were turned off. They were a scary bunch that appeared and disappeared like Colonel Flagg from M*A*S*H, only more intimidating.

Wow, it turns out that the twins have the ability to make teams around them do dumb things as well.

Dave: Wow, it turns out that the twins have the ability to make teams around them do dumb things as well. Brandon, you had better hope that no one ever decides to discuss the cost of the bus ride to Mto Wa Mbu at a pit-stop. You paid $100 for a 70-mile ride, which works out to $1.43 per mile. The next highest team paid $5, which works out to 7 cents per mile. Not only that, but you even got to buy gas for the bus. What a guy – good thing those poor, defenseless women had you around to look out for their best interests.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

3 GOLDS

4 PARTHENONS

1 EQUESTRIAN

Kami/Karli:

Dave: These two are finally back where they seem most comfortable – one step ahead of elimination. The race has had seven legs so far and these two have finished next-to-last in four of them. I thought that when you called yourselves the “fast girls” you meant speedy.

Steve: I swear these two think the sooner they fall behind the more time they figure they’ll have to catch up. They are making Flo look like a brilliant race strategist. This leg was a total waste of make-up.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

2 GOLDS

4 PARTHENONS

3 EQUESTRIANS

Charla/Mirna (eliminated):

Steve: As David Spade would say…”Buh- Bye!” I literally screamed at my Sony to prevent Phil from saying this would be a non-elimination leg, and reinjured myself shooting my arms over my head when he sniffed that they were eliminated. I’ll bet ‘ol Phil is a little embarrassed that he got teary eyed after he saw the tape of these two in action. Bleah.

Let me address you in Spanish: “So long-o.” Would you prefer Russian? “Welcome to Loser-o Lodge-o.”

Dave: Let me address you in Spanish: “So long-o.” Would you prefer Russian? “Welcome to Loser-o Lodge-o.” Really, the race won’t be the same without you two – meaning I won’t have to listen to you talk about how disgusting all the other teams are, or about how you both are so much smarter and better than all the other racers, or about how everyone else follows you around because you know what you’re doing and they’re lemmings, or how you’re doing this to prove that you can do anything anyone else can do (while you get a little more help that no one else got), or…well, you get the idea.