Are You Brave Enough To Find Out How You’ll Die As A Runner?

So I was bored last night and decided to put together a very complicated calculator that will tell you when you will die as a runner, how it will happen and how shit-hot runners like Usain Bolt will actually react to your death.

Well, now that I know how I die (in another sweet, long 14 years), it’s time to get back to my regular diet of pizza with chorizo, chicken and bacon topping… Oh, and Iwan Thomas can go and find a quiet corner to punch himself in the face. It’s called the Bernie shuffle and it is really efficient. My demise:

You will die running on Wednesday 18th August 2027 during a fartlek workout. You will go into this run contemplating becoming a hairy Communist for lent. You will be forced to stop in the street after having your path blocked by a single-mother with a jogger. In your rage your heart explodes like a car back-firing. Death will happen 7 miles into your favourite route. “No one ran quite as awkwardly as Bernie Elber. A true pioneer in running deformity” – Iwan Thomas