I write to you from an undisclosed location where I am recovering from surgery and awaiting results. It’s been one of the longest weeks of my life (including the time I married the Bear King’s daughter in order to infiltrate their lair, learn their secrets and bring them down from the inside). I am heavily under the influence of pain medication so we may reach new levels of arrogance (or I may fall asleep at the keyboard, which is pretty arrogant too). I will explain to Arrogant Nation what’s been up when I know more next week, but rest assured, the only thing on my mind right now is how badly we plan to kick the shit out of UCLA.

For the arrogance battle, it’s over. We went 13-0. Congratulations Arrogant Nation. We did it. Why is it over before it began? Because UCLA is nerdy and no longer ranked higher than USC in academics, at least according to the U.S. News & World Report rankings, which they certainly used to hold above our heads when they were above us. What we are left with is a school that is nerdy and ranked lower than us. What is the point of being a nerd if you aren’t actually smarter? I don’t think I could explain the situation any more cogently than that.

Also, Rick Noohighsul (I don’t see any need to spell a coach who can’t win a game’s name correctly) has had plenty of time to start making moves. He has. To the cellar of the Pac-10. Here is a picture of him leading the Bruins into the toilet and looking really not attractive in the process:

USC has been handed out sanctions that are now completely pointless. With the NCAA basically telling the world that a parent is allowed to do whatever he wants (Rev. Cecil Newton) and the child is not held responsible, it leaves Arrogant Nation to wonder what exactly was different when it was Reggie’s parents? You know my vote. I don’t care. Until there is a playoff, until the NCAA is not in control of things, there will be no college football champion. Oregon and Auburn are playing for nothing but pride. It means nothing other than that two schools are going head to head.

That’s why our game Saturday is the motherfucking Super Bowl.

Even if we could win a title, it wouldn’t be a title. Even if we could go to a bowl, it’d be just another game. If we had one game to make a statement of who we are, of what Arrogant Nation is, what team would you want to play? UCLA. And where would you want to play that game? At the fucking Rose Bowl, their “home” stadium in which we have all the memorable history. Our band leader will walk to the fifty yard line and stab the big giant UCLA cursive logo (which is spanish for “bad at football”) and we will take it to their face like a big poisonous Diddy Riese Ice Cream Nerdwich.

I have had two weeks of personal hell. I am stranded without scotch or a bear to fight. I had to turn down a chance to speak to you all at Conquest tonight, something I hated having to do. I had to do it because I need to be at full-strength Saturday when the ultimate bear fight begins. I had to do it because I need to get back on my feet as soon as possible. All that said, there was no way I was letting you all down and not posting, even if I am medicated to the point that my hands appear to be two peach-colored tarantulas dancing on the keyboard. Let’s hope they know English.

2011 Heisman Winner Matt Barkley, I know you read this blog. If Kiffin tries to keep you out of the game, hit him in the face. Tell RoJo we have his back. Last week was an awful loss, but this week we are not losing to UCLA. It simply isn’t happening. We have won the arrogance battle, but this week we need to win on the field. This week we need to smack that group of cheerleaders dressed as athletes in the mouth. We need to get that towel-waving nerd they use to pump their fans up to flush his own head down the toilet. We need to remind them that the 8-clap is the single dorkiest thing anyone has ever done to celebrate anything. They actually make Cal fans look cool. It is so not sexy, the 8-clap is what teenage boys think about during their first time so they last longer.

Time out. Real quick, Rick. How big is it?

Thought so.

To further our arrogant success, our fans, even before the formalization of Arrogant Nation (you’re welcome), we have always lead the way by pranking the nerds. As recently as a few days ago we dumped red dye in 3 fountains at UCLA, the retaliation from UCLA being nothing, as usual.

Last year, we ripped open their tarmac, which was unguarded, and put our colors all over their statue. Check this out:

Of course, this is all we had to break through to do this:

That is why if you need an engineer, stick to Trojans. The copy on their tent is misleading also. Their entire football team hibernates in there too. Know the best way to protect your home statue? Check it out:

See, it’s really hard to paint through duct tape. Also, having guards shows you care. The Bruin response is always that they don’t care or that they are a better school. I would just simply say you only care when things go your way, and in fairness, it’s been a while. I loved the LA Times article that pretty much admitted Noohicell had squandered his chance to capitalize on USC’s sanctions. When USC can’t go to a bowl and is still the only football team anyone in town cares about. The war is over. I don’t even know if UCLA wins anyone will really care. That said, we’re not letting it happen. I don’t care if I have to go out there myself, stitches and all.

Enough forplay, Bruins. Here is the word of the bearhunter:

PREDICTIONS:

USC 48
UCLA -3 (fuck you)

TWO POINT CONVERSIONS:

N/A (every point against the Bruins counts for two)

T-shirt sales end Saturday at 11:59pm. A lot of you got in at the last minute. We got a few more days. We’ll be back with more next year, but who knows what. Good luck tonight at Conquest, enjoy, my deepest regrets I could not be there. Bring me home some bear meat. I’ll be better soon enough.

“If we had one game to make a statement of who we are, of what Arrogant Nation is, what team would you want to play? UCLA. And where would you want to play that game? At the fucking Rose Bowl, their “home” stadium in which we have all the memorable history. Our band leader will walk to the fifty yard line and stab the big giant UCLA cursive logo (which is spanish for “bad at football”) and we will take it to their face like a big poisonous Diddy Riese Ice Cream Nerdwich.”

YES! FUCLA! FIGHT ON. And while he’s at it, stab the guy who talks through a megaphone, he’s annoying as fuck.

1. (Not that the US News and World Report means anything but) We (UCLA) will guaranteed be ranked above you USC in the 2011 “rankings” once again, as it should be. Please look at those rankings and notice that we have a lower percentage of… acceptance and remember that we are the most applied to university in the world.

2 .13 and 0?? don’t know what he’s referring to – .500 in the Pac 10 rings a bell, getting ass kicked by Oregon State (a team we beat) 36-7 rings a bell.

3. The fact that he writes about Diddy Reise (and recognizes that USC will understand this reference) shows that he and the rest of the USC student population spend way too much time hanging around the more refined part of LA, Westwood/Bel Air, trying to leave their depressing location for a university in hopes of being noticed with a red sweatshirt while waiting in line for a nice big UCLA ice cream sandwich that will be spat in by Raoul or Juan before being handed to him.

4. Making fun of the 8 clap: Does USC realize that they put up the peace sign and look like a bunch of Korean tourists who just stopped into West LA to see the better side of the 10?

5. Not defacing the Trojan guy as often – I think it’s just the fact that your school is in South Central LA and which is illustrated by you all having your 1st floor windows having steel bars in front of them.

1) No you won’t. Your school’s going broke. You’re constantly cutting professors, cutting classes (as if they weren’t overcrowded enough), and cutting programs. Unlike us and our millions in endowments that help us soar over other schools in rankings. And yes the US News rankings DO matter. They certainly mattered for the last decade when every FUCLA fan/student/alumni or otherwise would brag about it. They don’t stop mattering just because you can’t use them to troll.

They certainly seem to matter since you bring up the point that next year you’re going to pass us. Do they matter next year? And last year? Just not this year, right?

PS, most applied to school in the world? Nice choice of words there. By that logic, FUCLA must have stiff competition from ITT Tech.

2) Expected that you wouldn’t know.

Btw, nice call on OSU. But, what about the rest of the season? We destroyed Cal, who beat you. We beat ASU, who beat you. We beat Arizona, which beat you. And we’re 7-5, and you’re 4-7. We’re sanctioned with half our scholarships cut, forcing our defense to play the whole game. You’re not. The only “respectable” thing your team did this season is beat Texas, but then everyone realized that Texas just really sucks this year.

In summary, don’t attempt to argue football superiority over USC. It doesn’t work in your favor. Just be a good little Bruin and scream something about us being cheaters and how that justifies your toilet hole of a football program.

3) You can go ahead and enjoy your “more refined,” part of town for now. Upon graduation you’re going to be high-tailing it out of there. Who do you think lives in the mansions of west LA? Bruin alumni? Is that why all the expensive cars on your side of town don a USC Alumni plate?

In the meantime, we’re gonna be over here learning how to actually improve impoverished areas because we’re not racist fucks like yourselves. Oh wait, but aren’t we the spoiled rich kids who don’t give a fuck?

Which is it, are we the people forced to live in a ghetto, or spoiled rich kids? Because we can’t be both…one precludes us from being the other. Logic…is that something they don’t teach you over there in FUCLA?

4) The V sign has meant victory far longer than it has meant peace. Either way, we extend our arms fully as opposed to Koreans which bend their arm (btw it’s not wise for you to offend the Koreans…half your student body are Koreans).I suggest getting used to it because you’re going to be seeing it a lot on Saturday, alongside hearing our band play the fight song hundreds of times while our team continuously calls good plays and trumps you. There’s nothing like your band having to start playing the fight song again before even finishing the previous time because of back-to-back good plays. The Best Band in the Universe should just continuously play the fight song on Saturday as background music.

5) And yet it’s your school that’s always on the news for things like rapes and robberies. I guess it’s because we actually have campus security at our school, and they’re not too busy tazing students.

6) Only two touchdowns and a field goal? Gee, you don’t seem that confident.

you’re acting like 7-5 is a good record. lets be real here, yes UCLA is a struggling program but its hard to compete with a school down the street that gives players thousands of dollars in gifts when you’re doing it the right way. With the talent that USC is paying for, they should go undefeated every year, so losing 5 games is embarrassing. And Barkley getting the 2011 Heisman is a joke. You do realize that LaMichael James is a sophomore as well as Andrew Luck, so Barkley might finish 3rd… in the Pac-10, unless they find him ineligible too (which I would not be surprised if they did).

Wooden paid for players. Only a loser makes this argument. I believe every team pays players, but your argument (if I can dumb myself down to understand it) is that the current sanctions have to do with USC paying players. It did not. It had to do with a player’s parent taking money from a prospective agent. USC got in trouble for not knowing about it. Of course, what would you care? The only thing anyone would pay a Bruin to do is take a knee so mercifully we could stop watching them shit the bed every week. Next.