Marriage/Diapers/ and a healthy sex life

I bumped into this forum when I found the thread about practical aspects in marriage of diapers. I am the non wearer and I am not quite sure ...well..how to be. I am from Europe, so please forgive if I do not find the right English some times. My husband told me about them when we met. My response was "every human deserves to have comfort. If they give you that it is fine by me." I did ask for some things that would respect my comfort (and he agreed to them)...1- That my need for clean would be taken into account and he kept his intimate time with me clean (I mean clean smells etc...not clean as in pure or the such) 2- no lies 3- Bc we struggle to manage financially to please not be wasteful 4- Please keep it to his private times as he always had (meaning not to work or the such...the potential consequences are too scary). So he wears them every night and said he never before felt so loved or understood.... but from the start things unraveled: He left things for me to clean. He hid soiled diapers so I could never get rid of the smell. He ordered his boxes before checking if we had the money (He has severe ADHD and it has fallen on me to handle finances...Oh...it is not about asking permission but giving me heads up so I don't have bills bounce.... But here is my biggest problem...I came here for love...and our sex life has died. As long as he has the diapers he is satisfied. Happy to show what he says is his beautiful European wife to others, but home, I swear I feel I am starving to death. I come from a touching culture...all my people are an ocean away... but as long as he has his thing.... I am having a hard time thinking that in my 30s, my life as a sexual being is over. I am not the cheating sort. He feels sad for me, but his ADHD fuel his distraction and I have become invisible. So, I am starting to resent the diapers my heart was ready to understand because as long as he has that comfort I am as good as see-through. What can I say to him? How can I reach him? I have even let him diaper me hoping that that would ignite his spark (though it rubbed way close to my self-esteem particularly since he was satisfied, told me how loved he felt, and went back to forgetting about me in a blink....so I have to be honest...his response...after what to me felt like taking a big risk felt...or left me feeling some humiliation). Please help... I feel I am being robbed of the right to be a good wife and person...I don't want to take his comfort if that is what it is... But I do not think I can manage this starvation for affection/romance/sexual expression. I have crossed from sad to depressed... this makes me scared that I was tricked into leaving all my world behind for something that was misrepresented. He is a good man, but often...ADD and his other needs....he sees only himself. I need practical advise please. I am solution prone. Thank you so much. We are going to the doctor tomorrow (he promised over 1 and 1/2 year ago) bc he gets so many infections and now can't hold it much when he wants to and his erections, even when he got them would go away. So medical issues might be there. But I am still confused bc his explanations do not clarify if this is a babying thing, a comfort thing, or/and medical bc he has lived with so much shame about it...is like he changes stories to fit what he things you want to hear (all I want is to understand and be part of a life I also can love)... Is like... having had so much shame, that is more comfortable that building a good life with someone willing to accept him...but also needing to count. Do I make sense? I hope so.

I am truly sorry!
As unfortunate as it may sounds, there is only once piece of healthy advice I can give you: DIVORCE... get the hell out of there.

It does sound harsh, of that I am aware - but he treats you really without respect - and disregards your needs, all the while though you have been pretty accepting.
That is NOT how love and a relationship works.

If you are in your 30s - you've got a lot ahead of you... just ask yourself - and I guess you already have - if this is how you'd like to spent a good part of your life?
I believe the answer is "no".

Honestly, you can try to seek open dialog, you can try couples therapy, it might be worth a shot, IF YOU LOVE HIM - and if HE LOVES you.. (I doubt the latter from what you write).

I so far am in a loving relationship, going on for 12 years... and we both have out kinks, quirks, needs and we have our disagreeable moments
But we both would give our lives for the other... she's my family, she's my love .. .and there's nothing I wouldn't really do for her. And that is true for the both of us.
I'm Incontinent, so I had to bring incontinence supplies (Diapers, pads) into the relationship - but I am VERY mindful of NEVER leaving supplies around - being VERY clean... keep in good physical shape... I never just wear diapers (I don't desire to do so...)... and I guess it is being appreciated. Anything less I personally would consider disrespectful.

Again, you didn't marry to become his caregiver - you didn't marry into a life of servitude. you are a FREE WOMEN... so choose wisely

First, you say you're depressed. Depression is a serious problem that needs intervention as soon as possible. Take care of yourself, first, before you worry about him. A doctor or therapist can help you with that. Please don't allow that to linger while you resolve other things!

Second, it sounds to me like diapers are a small part of a much larger problem. It seems to me that your husband isn't addressing the executive/cognitive problems that come with his diagnosis of AD/HD. AD/HD makes life very, very difficult. Priorities can shift on a daily basis, and thoughts are constantly running through your head. Sometimes you "make things up" because information you were supposed to know hasn't been committed to memory. Structure is nearly non-existant. Organizing the day takes up a good amount of time and daily energy. I could go on, but I'd hope you'd check somewhere like CHADD if you want more information - see the link at the bottom of this paragraph.

Most importantly, I'm explaining this stuff because while *having* AD/HD does not absolve your husband of responsibility, it makes it very difficult for him to *be* responsible. If he can't handle his life normally, then he won't be able to handle a life with someone else, either - trust me! That's probably a big part of why he seems to only see himself, too, and makes what seem to be pretty poor decisions. Treatment options are widely available in most cases, and many people do fine with just regular therapy.

Please understand that being married to - or even just in a long-term relationship with - someone with AD/HD isn't easy. It often requires you to be a "coach" of sorts, which means having extreme patience and flexibility. That doesn't mean you cease being lovers, in fact, it can make the bond much stronger. Sadly, these marriages often end in divorce because the demands placed on partners are extraordinary. In the end, only he can decide if he loves you enough to seek treatment, though, and if he does, you might want to take on that role to some degree. If he doesn't do that, well... how long do you think you'll last in a relationship that isn't meeting your needs?

Here's a very good resource for you. The domain name is a little silly, but it's CHADD, and they are a trusted source of scientific information about AD/HD: What is ADHD or ADD?

ps. If you're wondering how I know this stuff, it's because I have AD/HD. i'm 30 years old, and my first diagnosis was at 10 years old. 20 years and a lot of therapy later, I understand how my brain works, and now I work with it instead of against it. That meant learning strategies for university workloads, managing money, and controlling impulsive decision-making. It also meant learning to basically rely on a smartphone that beeps at me to remind me to be places & do important things, and have my partner - who is a very, very patient person - be my "coach". Mind you, she knew what she was getting into - diapers and all.

Look I'm gonna have to agree with them but right now the diapers sound like a major problem but I wouldn't make him get rid of them but sit down and talk to him y'all need to sit down with a doctor also but the reason why I'm telling you this is cause I'm high functioning autistic and possibly AD/HD too but I've lived with my brain since I was born so I know how to cope with it but I hope this helps

I think you need to give your husband an ultimatum, ADHD or not. He needs to be fair to you, and split his diaper time in half. Part of the week he can be attentive to his diaper needs, and half, to you. If he can't give you that, I would be looking for the door.

Thank you so much...You are right. I know he loves me and he wants to love me way better than he does but it is as if a third creature (ADHD) kept getting in between our communications. He has started medication, which seems to have addressed the H of the ADHD so I can actually get him to stop bouncing. I am not one to quit on people,...I believe in walking in the light and knowing at the end that I can face myself but I also know people need fuel,...I need fuel. We are going to the Urologist today and I am going to ask that we find a new ADHD counselor...his simply throws the meds at him but is not working on his strategies. I need practical changes so I can have time to focus on my own self, and hopefully he can make room for them (my needs) too. You guys who use diapers... what is reasonable to ask for if a medical issue is not revealed? I have up to now asked for: -night time, -put them on after we both know we are going to sleep so as to give us a chance to snuggle -the clean way. When you say, for example, half the week.... how do you guys break that down? I know this is not the best right now, but I do also know people throw people away too easily. I need to take up this challenge with the heart and will power god, or whomever, has given me. What I am at a loss for is stepping stones... as you watch the successful steps your mates have made, and yours... I am getting that doctor is first, then ADHD treatment,.... I don't think ultimatums work,...but I can tell him what I can live with and what I cannot.

One last question (sorry, but your words are so important to me).... Coach...I can be a great coach...it fits my personality and even job training... but it slides easily into parenting,...which i spend too much time saying no to... I know there are no magical pills, but .... is there a way to help him understand how much more sexier, and healthier is for him to be my equal. I am not big, but I have a lot of heart, if he stands by my side we can tackle anything... but he is too big to plain carry. You know?

Ty so much for your words and the links! Going to read them. Happy new year to you all also.

What a complex situation. I am a 44yr old with ADHD and a Diaper lover. I revealed to my wife maybe 3 months ago or so. She is turned off by diapers. We have no formal boundaries, but given she is not excited about them(made worse by having one child in diapers still), unless something changes I leave them out of the bedroom and sex for respect of her. I did wear when sick recently to bed, but otherwise it is when she is not around, or when I go to work and she is not around. I do want to wear more at night, and plan to ask if it is ok a few nights of the week, which I think she will be ok with. Bottom line is if she is not comfortable with diapers, I have to respect that and limit anything that makes her uncomfortable. Its MY fetish not hers. What if she was in to say....hot wax? I would definitely pass!

I think your requests are perfectly reasonable. And as I do he can wear at work during the day, clean up at home before you snuggle. As far as ADHD, I don't believe in pills as they will change who he is and you may not like the results. As you get older ADHD becomes easier to deal with. My wife thinks diapers are sometimes a barrier between us, which is not true, so I have had to prove that they are not. If he loves you, he will work to do the same as well as realize the ADHD has certain benefits and consequences he must work with.

Elisem, you were very kind to allow your husband his diapers. You stepped outside your comfort zone to make him happy. The problem is that he hasn't done the same for you.

You and him both need to be happy. Maybe not getting everything you want, but you need to be listened to and respected. So he needs to respect your needs and feelings. You're right to be unhappy because he's treating you very thoughtlessly.

I think the only way to get him to listen is with honesty. Tell him exactly what you told us, and how hard it is for you. If he loves you, that'll get him to listen. Recognize that ADHD will make this challenging, but not impossible. Getting new strategies is a good idea. But in the end, he has to be the one to change.

Telling him exactly how you feel and seeing him response will tell you lots. If he loves you more than he loves diapers, he will agree to reduce his use and be more considerate (with medical help if needed). You have a right to happiness. Shown him how much this is hurting you, and if he cares, he will sit up and take notice.

I don't even understand why diaper are even a problem. When you guys have sex, he can just take the diaper off and put on boxers and lie in bed with you. They are just diapers and a form of underwear. I don't even need to be turned on by men in boxers to stand my husband being in them so why are diapers any different?

Let's hope he doesn't need diapers for sex or that would be a big problem and none of us choose what turns us on and without it, the sex is horrible and not enjoyable.