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Another Ectopic Pregnancy Diagnosed

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

I can’t concentrate on anything. My brain is on “freak out” mode or something. But at the same time, I’m numb. It’s hard to explain.

I tried watching TV to sort of “veg out” and clear my mind. But I would get 10 minutes into a show and not have a clue what was going on. I tried reading, but the same thing happened. I can’t focus on any one thing. My brain is just mush.

But I’m not really feeling overly emotional. Not the way I have in the past. With the last three pregnancies I was super emotional all the time. Either extremely hopeful or in complete despair. Up and down all the time. Right now I feel more even. It’s kind of refreshing, but kind of unsettling. I may not be really sad or hopeful, but I’m just on edge. All the time. I can’t shut down and I can’t relax. I don’t know... maybe I am emotional.

All I know is that I can hardly even find the words to form these sentences. Time is dragging by more slowly than ever before and I just feel like I’m not even in control of myself. It’s maddening.

I just need some answers.

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

I have never had a story unfold this fast.

Saturday I found out I was pregnant. Today I found out it’s ectopic. Less than five days this time. I can’t believe this is happening again. I am not sure I have ever been this numb and this sad at the same time.

There has been a little confusion, and I could use that to grasp onto some last little bit of hope, but I can’t afford to do that. I had a blood test done Monday at my regular doctor’s office when I went for my confirmation and referral. The nurse still hasn’t called me back with the results. But during the course of the referral process and scheduling someone told me that the results were listed on my chart and that my HCG levels were 38, meaning I wasn’t quite four weeks pregnant yet. That made sense to me; since I wasn’t sure when I ovulated, I could be anywhere between four and six weeks.

This morning I went to my OB’s office for another blood test. It wasn’t the nurse who called me with the results this afternoon. It was the doctor. “What are you doing? Come over here right now. Your quants are above 1500 so we need to do an ultrasound and make sure we can see a sac.” I had been getting my daughter ready for her nap, but we grabbed our shoes and ran out the door. I called my husband as I was leaving to tell him to meet me there. I knew I would need his support no matter how this appointment turned out.

The numbers did have me a little confused. Typically HCG levels double every 48 hours. So either my levels were around 750 on Monday or they were around 70 today. Someone had the information wrong. I trust Dr. N’s numbers. But he did say he would double check on my results from Monday. He hadn’t even seen them.

When I arrived the receptionist said I wasn’t on the schedule. She called back to check and they told her to put me ahead of everyone else. “You are really important today!” she told me. We probably only waited five minutes. The doctor was so excited to see me. He said he couldn’t believe I was pregnant and that he was ecstatic. But he also knew it was really important to verify that the pregnancy was viable as soon as possible since I’m at such a high risk for an ectopic pregnancy.

Then came the ultrasound. And nothing in the uterus. And something in the tube. And hard decisions to be made. Again.

Choice 1: Methotrexate today to end the ectopic pregnancy.

Choice 2: Wait two days, do one more blood test and another ultrasound just to be sure. We risk letting it grow in my tube which could mean surgery if the methotrexate doesn’t work. And surgery would mean removing my only fallopian tube.

Choice 3: Choose surgery now over methotrexate.

I don’t know why it matters. No matter what, I am probably finished trying to conceive. We didn’t get into it today, but the doctor has told me before that another ectopic in this tube will mean no more trying to do this the natural way. It will mean that IVF is my only option if I want to carry another child.

In the end, the doctor wasn’t really giving me choices. They were his choices - from which he had to make a recommendation. And he told me to come in early Friday morning, get some more blood work ordered, and then we would do another ultrasound to make sure there wasn’t a sac in the uterus. And then he will give me methotrexate and I will come home to mourn the loss of yet another child.

It’s the same old song that keeps playing over and over again. But the more I hear it the more I have to wrestle with the tough decision. How many times will I do this to myself? To my husband? To our families? When will enough be enough?