At the Salem Bitch Trials of 1692, Abigail Wolcott is accused of practicing the infernal art of Bitchcraft. The crowd at Salem cry out for her to burned at the stake for her accusations. Deputy Governor Danforth calls for silence and commences the last-recorded Bitchcraft Trial ever allowed under English law:

Deputy Governor Danforth: Who offers evidence against this lady?

Court Clerk: Samuel Wale. Stand fore! [ Samuel stands fore ]

Danforth: What say you?

Samuel Wale: Your Honor, I asked Abigail Wolcott to go to the Harvest Dance with me, Sir. Six times I asked her, and each time she rejected me. Then, I’m told she can only go out with guys from Boston who are wealthy. [ The crowd mumbles ]

Danforth: Abigail? Is this so?

Abigail: ‘Tis true. I did reject Samuel, your Honor, but not because of his station in life, nor was it because of his body lice, or his festering boils, or his warts. Rather, it is because I happen to find men from Boston more mature than Salem boys. And, due to the fact that Samuel has syphylis.

Nathaniel: [ standing in back of court reading from scroll ] “In addition, Abigail Wolcott has accused Sarah Williams of having parents of poor stock.”

Sarah Williams: She did! Just because we come from Holland!

Nathaniel: “And, for her sixteenth birthday, Abigail’s parents gave her her own horsecart, and she won’t let anyone else ride in it.”

Blacksmith: ‘Tis true, your Honor. I am the Blacksmith, and trust me when I say she values the horsecart not. She crashed it three times this month.Abigail: He exaggerates, your Honor! He just wants to go out with me!

Abigail: Yes, your Honor. I deny partaking any acts of bitchery. ‘Tis an outrage lie. I merely speak the truth. Why is it when a man speaketh his mind, he’s admired and made judge. But when a woman displays forthrightness, she’s accused of being a bitch. I pray you, Sir: release me, and end this mindless persecution of women.

Danforth: [ thinking, sighs ] I have heard your speech, Abigail. Your eloquent plea doth not fall upon deaf ears. [ stern at first, then angry ] However, your words would sway greatly more had they not been delivered in such a bitchy manner! You shall be burned!!

Goodwife Markham: I told you!

Crowd: [ screaming ] Burn her!! Burn her!! Burn her!!

Announcer: Abigail Wolcott was one of nineteen women burned at the stake. Of those who perished, twelve were later found to be innocent of bitchery.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn View all posts by Don Roy King