This is the spiritual journey of me, Eccles, my big brother Bosco, and my Grate-Anti Moly. Eccles is saved, not sure about Bosco, and we've got real problems with Anti.

This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 1 June 2016

The martyrdom of Harambe the gorilla

The entire universe is naturally incensed this week after the shooting of Harambe the gorilla
at Cincinnati Zoo, when he was believed to be a danger to a four-year-old boy known only as
"the boy".

The Vatican is lit up in memory of Harambe.

Clearly it would have been more appropriate to have shot the boy instead (at four years, his termination could have
passed for a very late-term abortion, and thus have offended nobody).
However, in the end it was Harambe that was martyred, and so the campaign for his canonization is already starting.

Flashback to when Hans Kong employed gorilla tactics against the Catholic Church.

Naturally, Cardinal Ravasi has joined in the mourning with a moving tribute to Harambe, tweeting the words, "Ook, oook, ooook!"
Fr Thomas Rosica is already blaming traditionalist zoo-keepers for his death, and Fr James Martin is preparing
a moving homily where the death of Harambe is to be seen as a sign that God wishes for a liberalization
of gay rights, the ordination of women, and the banning of the most recent translation of the liturgy.

Harambe: looked almost human, but was of course totally different.

Well, all that we need now is for Tony Blair to declare him "the people's gorilla".
So may Harambe rest in peace, and let us have the Furry Requiem in his memory.

17 comments:

Dear Eccles,In the interest of political correctness may I please suggest that your blog should carry a health warning! Since I have a heart problem, the uncontrolled mirth and laughing out loud caused by enjoying this blog so much is (I beleive) a serious threat to my health! - However, I can think of worse ways to go than dieing laughing. So Thank you Eccles.

Bad news for the canonization of Harambe.The devil's advocate (a role which the recent Vatican jobs reorganization assigned to H.H. Pope Francis, who had a suitable free spot every second wednesday of the month, 4.30-5.10 AM) discovered that the gorilla is in fact a Muslim, his name being a playful variation of the term Haram, "Forbidden", which refers to the signs "It Is Forbidden To Feed The Animals".

A second set of signs: "Baby Tossing For Traceless Late Abortion Should Be Performed Before Dinner Time And Into The Tigers' Pit Only" recently appeared, which hints at a possible explanation of the incident.

The Pope as primate of the West has an interest in all primates. That other primate JP was shot and Pope Francis was worried Harambe was killed in a copy cat killing. Pope Francis had planned a papal visit to the zoo with plans to bring back Middle Eastern primates that were not Christian. Harambe had been born in a Syrian zoo and hoped to be taken to the Vatican. It appears Harambe had hoped holding a child (dead or alive) that was not his would increase his resettlement chances. All he lacked was a boat.The Zookeeper who fired the fatal shot was asked why... his words are a warning to us all "the devil made me do it... I am an primateophobe". Harambe's feast day is April 1. It now appears the child's mother threw the child into Harambe's enclosure was a primate extremist who craved fame because she had failed an audition for the new TV series "The Vatican Has Talent".

Having read the news of the canonisation process, my relief is immeasurable, after so many days of bitter tears.

Last night after reading your article I went into ecstasy, which culminated in a vision. Harambe appeared to me, bathed in light, cradling a tousle-haired four year old boy, and speaking to me in deep sonorous tones. He told me that he is destined to become the Patron Saint of all four year old primates, irrespective of species. Furthermore, he told me that by dragging The Boy through his moat by the leg at speed he was performing the baptismal rite of the Ancient Simian Church. He then began reciting passages from his own mystical writings, and even though he was speaking in ancient Harambaic, by some very great miracle I could understand him.

This morning I was privileged to receive a locution. The Postulator for Harambe's cause needs to engage experts in ancient languages and frogmen as a matter of urgency, because the mystical writings, on tree bark and worked in dung ink in Gyrillic script, are to be found wondrously preserved in the mud at the bottom of the moat.

I am a prophet of Casa Santa Marta and I declare "this prejudice against animal Saints 'is not working', 'open your heart, take a risk!' Canonize a gorilla and at the same time throw yourself off the Temple. You will prove your heart is open.. (slyly whispers) smashed open on the ground.. tee hee’?

oooooh, bruvver cupcake has finally discovered a luvvly blogg where he can hate de Pop in musickal CD peace & mercy wivout anyone able to tell him it's not much Cafflick : http://heatst.com/uk/is-the-pope-catholic-heres-why-many-of-pope-francis-flock-arent-sure/

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Bishop of Lancaster's cup for well-placed ad hominem attacks

Eccles has been named as one of the 100 most influential saved people in Notting Hell, by the prestigious Calumny Chapel Parish Newsletter.