Thursday, July 31, 2014

It started out very whimsically and fun. Simone had made me french toast, which was delicious! And then, I said that I wanted to drink the left over frappuccino from the freezer.

I clowned around and told Simone that I was so hot blooded I could probably defrost my drink by holding it in my arms for a few seconds

There were some over-ripe bananas in the freezer, too ....

So, Simone made her famous banana/chocolate cake. Yummmm!

At 5pm, I met Brittainy at H&M, and we spent an hour there hunting down all the bargains.

At 6pm, as we left the store, we could see people across the street giving speeches and readying to march in support of Gaza.

Brittainy, her boyfriend Billy, and I melded into the enormous, growing crowd. For over two hours we marched and chanted words of support, anger, and hope.

Even though my right arm was killing me from driving my wheelchair without stopping, I felt good about being a part of such an important event. It's been awhile since I went to a demo and marched for my beliefs, and it felt damned good!

After the march, Brittaiiny and I had dinner at a restaurant on Bloor. As I ate my three course meals and reviewed the events of the day, I couldn't help but see the sharp contrast between our extremely privileged society and other countries that are poor and war-ravaged.

Of course, I still felt good about my participation in the march ... but now I also felt ashamed for not truly appreciating all of the things I had in my life.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

I was wearing one of my painting t-shirts, freshly warm from the dryer, and Simone said something like, "You know, you could scan sections of your t-shirts and get them printed onto other clothing."

A lightbulb went off in my brain .... one, and then another ... and another!

I could design clothes. T-shirts with my paint splatters, sure! Fantastic! And I could print my own fabric with Spoonflower. All I need is to get a seamstress and pay them to make clothes and bags, etc. Maybe I could apply for both art and business grants in order to do this.

And then I thought, "Maybe I should start another business, simply called 'Anne K Abbott.'" Because although I like "Annie's Dandy Note Cards and Artwork" it does seem kind of kitschy to me now. And if i want to be taken seriously as an artist, maybe I need to expand. I love painting dogs and cats, sure, but I feel like I could do so much more. I mean, there's the Grassy Narrows and the war betwee Israel and Palestine that I could express my feelings about in art, but right now I'm painting two cute dogs.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Today I got up and, as I was eating my brunch, I did the payroll for my employees; updated my finances; and, responded to email and texts.

I had a nice albeit rare visit from my brother Bruce. He brought over a ton of old slides that he'd taken from our mother's condo (I'm dyimg to go through them all!) and this crazy-ass photo-porrait of Mom that her hairdresser Joe took and kept in his salon ... well, until he and Mom parted ways because of political differences.

I'm going to bed now because for two nights in a row my cat has woken me up to cuddle and get patted, which is both sweet and annoying at the same time!

I do wonder if maybe I'm waking him up, though, because I've been having these weird, disturbing dreams.

Dream #2 (SHORTENED VERSION) I get this computer job from Carla Barlow (from Coronation St), and as I begin to try to have a discussion with her regarding what I'm supposed to do, all of my letters and words slide off of my communication board.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

I'm in pain from all the shmoozing I did today, so, this won't be a long post.

First, the cuteness factor:

You could hear me squealing, Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! all over the market when I saw this cute duo! But I wasn't the only one who was going nuts over these two. People kept oohing and awwing over them and taking their picture. It's funny what melts people's hearts.

And, speaking of melting people's hearts ....

I just heard from the Facebook family grapevine that three days ago my cousin Nathan and his girlfriend Lee had their first child: Connor Lee Morrison. He's truly a beautiful, precious boy.

Welcome to the world, Connor! May you have a good life where your happiest moments far outweigh your saddest ones. May you evolve into a thoughtful, joyous, empathetic person.

Friday, July 25, 2014

I had an epiphany this evening during dinner. Alana and I were watching the episode of Parks and Recreation where Andy and April had an impromptu wedding ceremony. All of their family and friends, except for Leslie, were happy and supportive for the young couple, even though, like Leslie, some of them didn't think it was the most practical thing to do in the long run.

Something clicked within me as I watched the bravado of the happy couple. They had no fear or doubt about the huge leap of faith they were taking in each other, and I admired them for it.

I had bravado once, or chutzpah as my mother used to call it. No, goddamn it, I still have my bravado ... it's just been weighed down by grief and uncertainty in recent years.

Today, Trevor came over to discuss the best way to invest my money. I signed some papers and now that money in my RDSP has been earmarked to be invested in different ways. I'm unable to touch any of it for three years.

We discussed investing the money from the condo, and I almost signed those papers until Trevor and I began talking about other things I could do with the money. I think we began this line of thought because he told me that even with all the investments, the money would only last, more or less for only sixteen years. This would be so because I'd be living off of the money and not allowing it to grow. Sixteen years! I'd be in my seventies, still needing money to live on and to get assistive devices, like wheelchairs etc.

Not for the first time, Trevor suggested that I keep some money invested, sure, but also to buy a condo for myself and go back on ODSP. I always gnash my teeth, groan inwardly, and swear heavily when ODSP is mentioned. I hate them so much! Certainly they'd provide me with security and any assistive devices and medical needs I would have, and yet, I've been in tears so times over the years because of their humilitation tactics.

Security and humiliation or uncertainty and the freedom to do whatever I want. I don't know why I actually gave it any consideration!

Thursday, July 24, 2014

So, I had dinner at Sambuca's on Church last night with Rob's cousin Dianne, Susan, and Brittainy. We celebrated the sale of the condo, and I told Dianne how glad I was that she had re-introduced me to Susan a year ago!

Today, I made variety packs of note cards and had frappuccinos with Laura. I thought that we both deserved a treat because I had to have an ultrasound, and Laura helped me to get on and off of the narrow table. I was expected take a break in the middle of the procedure to go pee, and then come back and continue being scanned.

It's almost 10pm now. I've taken one Lorazepam, two 2-22's, and Coke and Fireball whiskey. I'm back watching The Killing again.

Finally, I feel more like myself again, my emotions aren't so raw, so near the surface.

Yesterday was terrrible ... and yet, somehow cleansing. Twice yesterday, I let my tears flow, my emotions flood forth. I thought and felt so many different things, and yet, even in the differences they were all connected.

It's been a rough month for me. A lot of my employees have gone away for awhile, either on vacation or for their other jobs. And, yes, I've hired new people, and they're very nice, sure, but there wasn't enough time to fully train them to "perfection" (perhaps I'm exaggerating ... perhaps not), so I've had to do extra training. This wouldn't have been much of a problem, except that I've had two time sensitive appointments that I was late for both times. It's been so frustrating!

Because of this, I've been missing Rob so much! He made training so easy because he was always there to help out. Losing Rob was like losing a part of myself!

I'm not sure what it is, but I just haven't been feeling happy lately. Maybe it's the thing with my employees, maybe there's been so much extra stress in my life lately ... or, maybe it's receiving the money from the sale of the condo.

I thought I'd be so happy about getting money from my inheritance. All I can think of is I wish Rob was here to enjoy spending the money! We were so poor when we were on ODSP, and I always thought that I'd become rich and famous through my art and that I'd share everything with him, gladly!

And, during my counselling session, two things came up repeatedly: my guilt complex and my need to be as close to being perfect as possible. Like I just said, Rob and I were so poor for years and years, and a thought would come unheeded occasionally to my mind, that life might be easier if I had Mom's money one day. I hate myself for having this bad thought! I'd never ever wish any ills upon my mother - I loved her so much! - and yet, coveting my mother's money always felt terribly wrong to me!

So, I'm not perfect. I have occasional bad thoughts about people I love, and I have to get over feeling guilty about this fact. I'm a human being, and this is what human beings sometimes do ....

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

The laundry got done, my prescription was picked up, and I opened up two new accounts at CIBC. I even had time to go with Brittainy and her boyfriend Billy to Starbucks and have my favourite frappe.

It all sounds so simple when I lay it out all like that. Believe me, it was anything but simple ....

I hate banks - especially CIBC!!! Rob used to call them Canadian Bank of Incompetent Commerce. I mean, instead of blocking my debit card last night when I was trying to buy kitty litter at Loblaws (how embarrassing was that!) why couldn't they just call or email me in the daytime about their suspicions that my bank account had been hacked? They have my email - I know they do because yesterday, during breakfast, they kept sending me validation codes to prove that I was who I was when I was sending money to my employees.

But I don't want to spend too much time on the aforementioned subject (I could spend hours and hours ranting and raving about it), I want to vent about their ableist attitudes. Honest to god I'm so fed up with people talking to my communication assistant and not to me!!! Two seperate employees of the bank kept looking at my communication assistant and talking to her even though I was looking right at them, trying to catch their eye, and telling them to talk directly to me and not my communication assistant. Sure, occassionally they would talk to me but 95% of the time they pretended I wasn't there or mentally competant.

There was also the matter of inaccessibility too. I mean there was one desk that I could get up to easily, but the phone wouldn't reach me so I was moved to a desk where I had to sit sideways, which hurts my neck. And, there was a plaque on each desk that basically said if you weren't totally blown away by our fantastic service please tell us. I was in too much of a hurry to tell them about their fantastic service , so I'm writing this blog and an email to them in the morning.

To all the ableist bastards in the world, who have tons of bureauocratic power over people like me and who love to throw roadblocks in our way - I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!!!

Well, it's back to reality today. I have to do laundry, mail out my membership packages, order refills on prescriptions, and go to the bank.

For some reason they (CIBC) blocked me from using my debit card. If I could just call and straighten it all out I would, but because I'm a non-speaking person people doubt the validity of who I am. However, face to face, I can usually prove I am who I say I am. I might have to prove that I have all of my marbles,though.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Of course, no one was scared at all of the tiger on my t-shirt. In fact, I got a lot of compliments on it!

On the way to my little lonely corner of the market, I passed by the empty spaces where my friends used to sell their wares, and not for the first time I thought of quitting myself. Perhaps not today, or this week, or even this year, but one day I might have to.

I had the same negative thoughts last week, too, and just like last week, very ironically, I had a positive (and lucrative!) market day.

First, I had a nice surprise when Sarah's parents and sister came to see me and chat with me for awhile. Sarah's sister bought one of my canvas prints, so that was just icing on the cake!

As I predicted yesterday, my friend May came to the market today to pick up the painting of mine that she had seen on my Facebook wall. May told me that she'd put it up with the other pieces of art she'd previously bought from me. Smiling, May said that my art was becoming famous in the Middle East.

Cool!

Two exceptionally good market days, right in a row - it feels like someone is trying to tell me something! Someone is trying to tell me to stop worrying and stay put at the market for as long as possible. I'll try my best to take that advice .... And yet, at heart I'm a pragmatist. I need to think of a back-up plan just in case one day the market is no longer an option for me.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

I think my two hour afternoon nap I had with my cat Rascal pushed me over the line between illness and recovery.

These past few hours, I've been catching up on the work that I couldn't do when I was flat on my back, sick. I paid bills; issued cheques to my employees; answered emails, texts; and, I updated my employees' schedule and my finances.

There's still more to do (isn't there always?), but I'm feeling weary and drrained of energy again. So, I'm going to listen to my body and chill out.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Bleah! I think I'm getting a cold. My throat is scracthy, and I keep coughing and sneezing.

Bloody hell! I'm too busy to get sick! I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. Plus, I'm having dinner with Rob's cousin Dianne and our mutual friend Susan. As you may remember, dear readers, Susan was the real estate agent who was instrumental in selling my mom's condo. So dinner tomorrow will be a celebration for all three of us! Thank you, Dianne, for reintroducing me to Susan.

I'll do my best to go to bed early and get rested up. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Perhaps it was my new summer dress that drew people to me. It sure is bright and cheerful! People (including me) seem to like that sort of thing.

Perhaps it was the set-up of my table; I tried to showcase all of my newest work. Or, maybe it was the beautiful weather that contributed to people's general upbeat mood. (One man, for no apparent reason, actually ran up to me just to give me a purple carnation!)

However, the thing that brightened up my day was meeting new fans from Indiana - and seeing some familar faces too! (How could I ever forget you, Larry? You've been my friend and unofficial promoter for over ten years!)

And, on that positive note, I'm going to head off to bed now because, although shmoozing maybe fun and productive, it is also extremely tiring ...!

The fun stuff was mainly shopping with Lucy at Winners. We both looked at shoes and clothes. In the end, Lucy bought a pair of running shoes with gold trim, and I bought a cute sundress and a black t-shirt with the beautiful face of a tiger.

I hope that tomorrow at the market will be as fun and productive as today was!

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Before Anita came over to give me my osteopathy treatment, Lucy trimmed my hair. I like it!

My osteopathy treatments usually make me relax so much that I nap for awhile afterwards. Most times, after I awaken, Rascal looks at me as if to say, How do you rate so high in getting a professional patter? I want one!

Well, enough of pampering myself and making myself even more beautiful ....

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Tonight, for the fifth time in two months, I watched the last episode of the second season of Orange is the New Black. I love that show - especially the last episode! Every time one of my employees asks me if we can watch Orange is the New Black and we reach the very last episode, I feel all happy and excited inside!

Don't worry, I won't give any plot details away. However, I will say that during this particular episode the song Don't Fear the Reaper plays at the very end. There are many reasons why this song hits me like a ton of bricks, but to list them all would give the ending away.

I will, however, give one explanation (with no connection to the show at all ... well, not much anyway) as to why this song has such significance for me. The meaning behind the lyrics of Don't Fear the Reaper are blatantly obvious: Don't be afraid to die because everybody dies one day; it's unadvoidable. And yet, I think the song is also saying, Don't be afraid of living either. Grab all of the gusto you can, because you never know when you're number is up and all of the things that you were going to do never get done.

Today, I recieved my share of the money from the sale of the condo and deposited it into the bank. I cheered triumphantly, and then cried piteously. I took Brittainy out for dinner at Cafe California to celebrate, but I couldn't enjoy myself completely because I felt guilty for trying to be happy. I know it's a ridiculous notion, but it felt like I was celebrating the last tangible piece of my mother.

I think I need to hit my mountain of guilt squarely on its highest peak an smash it into a billion pieces!

Monday, July 7, 2014

What a day! I did so much running around. I had cards printed at the Printing House, and then I went to the doctor about my groin pain (which I've had for a year now!) and she sent me for blood tests.

After that, I grabbed a quick frappuccino and hurried home. Laura came over for pizza and beer, and to laugh at funny cat videos.

While Laura was here, I got the fantastic news that the condo sale went through!!!!! I can't believe that it's finally over! I squealed with delight and cried, but now I'm just happy! Mom would be so happy for me.

I was too tired last night to finish what I was going to say. So, I'm going to continue now ....

This thing with people at the St Lawrence Market disappearing is really
freaking me out. It upsets me because vendors are being shoved out by
either means of harassment or bribery. I feel, like so many things
these days, that the fate of the market is teetering upon the very edge
of change, and I find myself holding my breath waiting to see what is
going to happen. Will the change(s) be good, bad, or in-between?

During these past few months, there has been so many changes, things
getting juggled and rearranged. I feel like there's even more change yet
to come. Will the change(s) be good, bad, or in-between? I don't
know. And, as Hamlet would say, "Aye, there's the rub."

As I write this, I remember reading The Pit and the Pendulum for
school and asking my teacher, "Why did the man fear the pit so much?"
Her response was that, more than anything, the man feared the unknown.
The pit was pitch black, bottomless, and ominous.

After both Rob and my mother died, I felt unbelievable, gut-wrenching
grief. I also felt fear, an onimous type of dread that said: What do I do now?

Lately, I've been mentally preparing for the new changes that are coming
down the pike. They might be good, bad, or in-between. I don't know.
The money from the sale of my mother's condo is coming soon; I can feel
it in my bones. I should be happy about this (and part of me is), but I
feel so sad. I'd rather have my mother back than all of the money in
the world! And, what will I do with the money? How long can I make it
last anyway?

Last week, I had a dream that Rob and I were choosing which house we
should move into. I wanted to get the smaller house, Rob wanted the
bigger one. He took me over to the house he liked and, all excited like
a little kid, he showed me that there was a fireman's pole that ran
from the bedroom down into the living room. I looked at it and
suggested that we replace the pole with an elevator. Rob replied, "No,
no, Sweety! I want to slide down the pole with you in my arms!"

I woke up feeling ridiculously happy and wonderinng if I should indeed
buy a house with a mortgage, go back on ODSP (god help me!) and start my
life anew.

Maybe the cloud of uncertainy and dread would disappear if I simply
took hold of the reins of my destiny and did something really big with the money.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

I gave it a once over and decided it looked pretty damned good! I think a lot of customers liked the set-up, too, because I didn't do too badly in the sales department.

However, one thing upset and shocked me today. When I first entered the building, I immediately noticed that the Urban Hat stall had been all shut down, and a note from the owner was taped onto the wall. The note said that after ten years she had decided to quit, but there was no explanation as to why she had made the decision.

Andrea, who has a salt/soap/essential oils shop across from Urban Hat, told me her take on the situation. She thinks that the market management probably paid the owner to break the lease and leave. Andrea says that she heard that the management doesn't want to have another vendor occupy that spot because they want to clear out that area completely.

What will happen to Andrea then? What will happen to me, to the other vendors?

I went to bed at 3am, couldn't get to sleep until 4am, and then got woken up at 7am by some unknown jerk who texted me nine times! And then, when I was drifting off to sleep again, I could hear the din of the large metal bins of Zippers being emptied into a garbage truck.

I had so many things I needed to get done, but I only got a third of it all finished. And, several of my friends told me about some of their bad luck stories: broken teeth, damaged cars, and a cat with pink eye.

Plus, unfortunately, the condo deal still hadn't gone through! (Bloody hell!) However, the real estate agent confided in me that there was some kind of positive development in this area. My brother pooh-poohed this news away as this was sheer nonsense. I kind of wish he hadn't taken this kind of attittude. I need to remain hopeful that this whole ordeal will be over soon.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

I'm just a juggling fool. I really am! Every day I write emails and texts to friends and employees, trying to juggle everybody's schedules (including mine) around so that everything jibes together.

It's been approximately two years since my brother and I have been on this ridiculous inheritance quest. It's another thing for me to juggle. Writing to lawyers, bankers, condo management people, accountants, financial advisors, and the real estate agent - it is one ball I'll be glad to get rid of!

And then, there's my art business: Annie's Dandy Note Cards and Artwork. Creating my art, producing a wide selection of merchandise from my soul's work, and then sending out my membership cards every month - in doing this, I'm attempting to show the world who I am and why I paint.

When I get overwhelmed sometimes, like yesterday for instance, I take solace in my funny, furry little beasts ...

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Sarah and I celebrated our 7th anniversary of knowing each other. Yesterday was actually the day, but we were both too busy. Today, we had dinner at Hair of the Dog; it was so much fun, as it always is with Sarah.

We've gone through good times, bad times, hard times, and hillarious times. There a select few I love so much that I think of them not only as friends but as family as well. Sarah is one such person.

This anniversary has always been bittersweet for me. Meeting Sarah was fantastic - we clicked immediately! However, the day before we met, I got molested by two straight (and drunk) men during the Pride festivities.

In one of my previous post, I mentioned positive aspects of World Pride 2014: having my picture taken with two hunky Trojan men; the beautiful weather; and, the wild, funky music that came from beneathe my balcony.

That was Saturday.

Sunday was a whole different thing, though. Brittainy and her boyfriend Billy and I went thirty minutes early to get a good spot to see the parade, but it was already so crowded! The only spot that was raised, accessible, and shaded was the judges' platform. Much to my annoyance, we weren't allowed up onto the platform, even though there was plenty of room! Plus, the people who volunteered to assist people with disabilities kept talked about me in the third person to Brittainy and Billy. It made my blood boil! (I'm going to write a strong letter to the Pride committeee!)

I told Brittainy and Billy to go see the parade without me. I was so HOT and needed to find shade. They went off, and for the next three hours, between browsing all of the merch on all of the tables on Church St., I kept searching for shade.

I think I'll write a strong letter to Starbucks too. There was a woman giving out packets of free coffee to the crowd. She gave no warnings or lectures to any other person, but when I approached her and indicated that I wanted her to put one of the packets in my bag, she looked at me, shook her head, and said, "Oh, I'm not if this is good for you."

I H A T E being treated as if I'm invisible or unable to understand what people are saying. And, I H A T E it when people assume that I'm weak and fragile just because I'm disabled. I'm as strong as an ox and as clever as a fox!

I've been to seventeen Pride festivals and only two have been duds. That's not too bad, I suppose ....