Think You Need Couples Therapy?

Raise your hand if this sounds familiar: Your relationship hits a rough patch, and while you think couples therapy could help, the idea of dragging your mate to a session sounds about as appealing as a bikini wax. But rather than give up on the idea—and neglect the issues in your relationship in the process—here’s another idea: Go it alone. As it turns out, individual therapy may be more effective at strengthening your relationship, according to new research.

Howard Markman, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Denver, knows from his own clinical experience that individual therapy helps couples develop better relationship skills. But he wanted to know if it worked better than couples counseling. To test it, he recruited 300 married and unmarried couples, and had them undergo relationship skills training either together or individually.

The results? Couples who went alone saw just as much improvement in their relationship, which is good news for people who can’t get a partner to go to therapy with them—a common problem, say psychologists. In fact, by some estimates, troubled couples wait six years before seeking help.

So how do you know if your relationship could benefit from therapy—individual or couples’?

One way to tell is whether you have more negative everyday interactions than positive ones, says Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide To Lasting Love. In general, healthy couples have a ratio of five positive interactions to one negative interaction.

Look for counselors who are problem solvers, says John Gray, relationship coach and author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. That means finding a therapist who will teach you practical skills for improving your relationship. And don’t get frustrated if it takes a couple tries before you find the right fit. It’s a process much like speed dating, says Tristan Coopersmith, author of MENu Dating: Taste Test Your Way To The Main Course. “You might have to ‘date’ a lot before you find chemistry,” she says.

Bottom line: If your relationship doesn’t make you as happy as it used to, it can’t hurt to get help—whether it’s with or without your partner.