Leaving a Bad Family

Sometimes, (as in the Thomas Wolfe book), You Can’t Go Home Again, even though everything in you wishes you could. John Bon Jovi sings “Who Says You Can’t Go Home?” Well, for a few people in my practice and some I have personally known, going home is not an option. If you are lucky enough to have been raised in a loving, loyal, mostly sane family and can maintain those connections, great.

However, if maltreatment, misunderstanding and sadism superseded tenderness in the family of origin, if home was an unsafe place, it’s best for you to get out of there. In reality and in your mind. Some families score high on the hostility scale. Whether this is expressed through passive-aggressive action or outward insult, it can decimate a growing self. Little injuries accumulated over time or a few big assaults flatten self-esteem, sap confidence, and compromise the ability to trust.

There is a therapeutic fantasy that talking (mirroring, validating empathizing) can cure the problem. But for severely afflicted families, dialogue does nothing and can even escalate the agony. Some people are too regressed to contain their meanness. If a couple of members are irrational, cruel, thrive on conflict or love a catfight, forget it. Combine this with no capacity for insight or self-reflection (some people just can’t look at themselves and see what they’ve done) it is a recipe for the destruction of souls.

When people say, “Oh, it’s all just being part of a family, ” this is upsetting. They may not know any better so they think they are being helpful. Harassments can be hidden and known only by the target. It is incredibly painful to walk away because one does not want to accept the truth that given the rigid, denying personalities, the circumstances will never improve.

The wish for it to be different makes one cling. We think if we keep trying, if only we change our own behavior or explain things better, we can stop the madness. We hope, wish, believe that the supposed loved ones will see what they do and stop doing it. We twist the truth to give them higher status as a benevolent being but this is a trap. The knowledge that you cannot do anything about what they do may save your life.

Much as you wanted it to work and after you’ve tried every way of communicating, it is time to cut your losses. There is an innate need to belong to a clan and it is counterintuitive to cut it off. It takes courage, massive autonomy and the ability to tolerate aloneness. But when there is no choice, there is no choice.

People need support and encouragement to leave. It is crazy-making to have been tortured and then be expected to brush it off. One cannot violate one’s own truth. We maintain self-respect by holding our ground on the way we need to be treated. This is not about righteously claiming victim status but rather acknowledging a painful reality and dealing with it appropriately. Some people never change. If this is the case, self-protection means shutting the door forever.

Yes, all families have issues. People bicker, compete, want what the other has, feel less loved, feel left out. But when push comes to shove, a good family stands behind you, is there for you, and wants to know what you went through. They care. Not every family actually loves.

Psychologist David Celani writes in his book Leaving Home that the most difficult psychological task one can confront is separation from a bad family.

Here’s the good news: when you are free of the toxicity, you are open to loving others: a family of friends, co-workers, classmates and teachers that fill in. You can create a life from your own value system, not the one you were born into. Even if it takes till 40 to figure out you were never cut from the same cloth, so be it. The good years as your True Self are ahead.

Establish a new clan by reaching out, sharing, asking about the other, being a friend. Build new relationships. In the flesh meetings or quick how are you texts keep relationships going. If it’s awkward at first, it will get better. Better than what you came from.

The other good news is that throughout history those with early injuries develop unusual strengths in later life. The wounds lead to generous, sometimes great actions. Suffering leads to strong character, practical success and sensitivity to others.

Thank you! You have no idea how much your article means to people like me who come from toxic, hateful families. Most people from normal families cannot conceive what it is like to grow up in a steaming cauldron of endless hate and abuse.

As one who went "no contact" with my toxic family, I can only tell others in the same situation who consider breaking the toxic ties that the best is yet to come! Changing the trajectory of my life has made it possible to embrace my REAL family - friends who truly care.

well i came here coz im just about to disown my family. i wanted to disown them when i was 21 after i had a life threatening operation and not one of them cared. 3 months in bed alone with no visitors. but i got over that and decided to keep caring so i hung in and at age 30 all 3 of my siblings plotted behind my back to all get married in the same month and thne kick me out of home we'd all lived in for ten years and which i paid most of the rent for... so without warning i was out and since then they have rung me half a dozen times and visited me twice... in 16 years !!!! i had a great career ten years ago i owned a company drove a luxury car and even lived in a penthouse .... now ... after years of loosing my own self esteem and being dumped alone daily with little human contact i am now homeless. in two days i move out and am homeless. my siblings are now all wealthy , they all had houses which just tripled in price , but coz i was suddenly shafted into renting i never managed to get my own home so now im stuck.... and again no one has rang me or offered to help me out. even though i made huge efforts to spend xmas new years with them and also visited them half a dozen times already... i still wait for thme ot visit once. so i just had it now... after reading these threads i realise ... i just wasted a good 20 years of my life caring about a family who clearly never cared for me. its sad but i have met the requirements.. im tough as nails happy now to be alone and can meet people easily so i dont need a family as pathetic as mine is.

i also wanted to add i was a straight a student and golden boy, i won everything in everything as a kid from sports to arts to maths prizes i scooped em all. this drew the jealousy and so from a very young age i had 3 siblings plotting against me but because as a kid i became the most popular kid in town they had no choice than to act like my friend even tho we had some awful punchups... my brothers would always steal from me and i found out they also spent their entire childhood mocking me behind my back to friends- who now dont even talk to me but talk to my brothers. they even stole all my friends away and turned them against me but they act like they never did a thing wrong and are perfectly great siblings and that everything is my own fault as i am difficult or whatever they reckon. last month, i visited my mum with my youngest brother who just pocketed over a million in cash from property and i told him i was about to be homeless, his reply was good now you can get a normal job like everyone else... this is because i owned a few companys which he obviously considerers a waste of time , i dunno ... but clearly no support for anything im doing. little does he know i sold them when i was crippled by my family avoiding me.... i spent a whole year at home alone doing nothing just in shock at being left alone ... recently they contacted me over xmas and stressed it was time to be a family again and let bygones be bygones.. so i agreed and made every effort... now its nearly may and they still havnt called or visited and things got worse for me as i lost my last company and hence will now be homeless ... and still they havnt called or offered help ... my biggest regret in life now will always be that i didnt leave when i was a fresh faced hotshot 21yo who was dating models and hot girls... now i am single missing half my teeth and about to be homeless.. and i blame it all on my family so trust me if they suck at age 21, just leave. dont waste the best years of your life as i did trying to put a broken mirror back together coz even if you do the picture will never be pretty again.

you sound very intelligent, hopefully you have some money saved. get small place, do what you did best in your work life, and forget about waiting for that call or knock on the door from family. As mine, it may never come. But I realized I survived on my own with no help from family, and am able to hold my head up. all my siblings have needed parental help over the years! I never asked or received, no invitations, or letters, or calls. I dissassociated myself from my family at 30, I am now 56 with no contact, for over 26 years. No confussion, no negativity, no constant talking behind eachothers back. No family is better than bad family. Birth gives no one the right to abuse, bash, or use, another person. Be well and live the rest of your life in peace.

I have always felt that no matter how much I was tortured, neglected and ridiculed- that because I was born into it- that just happened to be where I belonged- It took me 50 years to do the "right thing" for my soul and survival-For the first time in my life- I know how "inner peace" feels, this article just validated what I knew had to be done-before it was too late.

A member of my family has absented himself citing just such issues, however, in this case it is not true, his examples often did not happen at all or have been grossly distorted and used to justify his own self perceived failures. Unfortunately he went to a counsellor, for six whole weeks, who, perhaps understandably given they only had his version to go on, reinforced his views and he used this to justify "leaving" his whole family, not just the section he had issues with. The pain has been incredible for his family

Dear Anonymous,
No, it is not simple. I am sorry for this breech and do hope that your family can come together in a positive way. It is painful to be the subject of a distortion. It is so important to think about what might be left out of a story in order to be most helpful. I hope that truths that serve all can surface.
Best to you and yours,
Carrie

I am 27 years old, unemployed and in college working towards an ultimately worthless liberal arts degree. America's economy has clearly demonstrated that there is no practical (i.e. economic) value in wasting four years of your life reading about Ancient Rome or Pre-Socratic philosophers when you could have applied that time to something that would give you a greater ROI and a more clear-cut career path. Add to that nobody but fast-food joints and major retail chains is hiring these kids, and that there are really only so many burger jobs to go around, and you've got a recipe for disaster. This is why I'm unable to leave. I have no job besides a part-time nothing job at the college computer lab, and no prospects for a job once I graduate, that is if I graduate and don't fall apart completely by the time next June rolls around.

Why do I want to leave? Let's see: I am a basket case today because of my father's alcoholism and violence (towards both me and mom) when I was a child, and threats of "taking me" from mom if she filed for divorce... his own family was well-connected (even had judges on the payroll) and would have crushed my mother's custody battle by depicting her as "unstable" (regardless of whether it was because of, you know, FEARING SHE WOULD LOSE HER CHILD TO A MANSON FAMILY OF CRAZY DRUNKS)... she stayed, they blackballed her out of ever having a job again, and she's stuck with him until death do them part... to alleviate some of the unwanted time together we stay for some of the time at my grandmother's house, who is dying now at 95... the house technically belongs to my aunt (at least it will after grandma dies), who because she lives there (as in it's her official home address) has the final say on whether Hospice people come; grandma wants it but she's a paranoid hoarder who "doesn't want ANYONE IN MY HOUSE"... the place is squalor and a fire hazard, with newspapers and periodicals and cardboard boxes and clothes with flammable polyester/rayon blends from the 1970s that she hasn't worn since Watergate strewn everywhere around the house, even on top of the heating vents... she gets physical at times if you try to throw anything out, and we've even had the cops here on more than one occasion... when once I threw out some of the newspapers in recycling, she called the cops, called me a thief, and threatened to press charges... she's a Fox News-loving bigot who actually locked (or closed herself off) in the bathroom because we had the cable guy come and he was black... ironically the black guy helped fix cable so that she could watch more Fox News... the other fire hazard involves out-of-code electrical outlets that every so often shoot random sparks, and are covered up by the living room draperies... Sounds like plenty of toxicity if you ask me.

But I don't have any other outlets (pun intended) to leave, even temporarily, besides school, because I can't afford my own car or insurance and can't get a job without a college degree -- even though chances are good that with a liberal arts degree I'll be washing toilets at the gas station. I refuse to apply for public assistance because I would feel ashamed of having to beg Joe Taxpayer for a roof over my head. You see, I'm one of the "undeserving poor" that some other article here talked about, someone who is able-bodied and able-minded (well, not an idiot, though I am obviously bonkers) but is seen as shirking responsibility. I'm not; I am legitimately dyscalculaic and cannot, for the life of me, do math, perhaps the sole required skill for any of the good-paying jobs in 21st-century civilization. The only "jobs" for wordsmiths are to go write trivia articles for Wikipedia and Cracked for pennies on the dollar or zilch. Although I suppose you need math at Wendy's too if the cash register breaks down -- but that's just basic decimals, not trigonometry.

"And did you know, without trigonometry, there'd be no engineering?"

"Without French majors, there'd be no fries."

The only way I'll ever leave this family is to be six feet underground. Of course, they will be too, perhaps even further down because they're so prone to "digging in their heels"!

Dear Anonymous,
This sounds like a really tough situation and my heart goes out to you. Without trying to offer trite answers, I will say that sometimes there can be answers for the future that are hard to see in the present. If you find a way to strengthen your self with good supports outside the home, people to talk to, activities to join, solutions can emerge. Stay strong. Maintain the clarity that you have.
Carrie

When I was 14- I had had enough. From the time I was 8 years old-I was treated like a full grown adult- The "Cinderella" in real life. Do the laundry, babysit the siblings, wash the dishes and etc. I never had the chance to be a child. I am now 57- raised my own family the best I knew how. Gave them unconditional love and worked 2 jobs to provide for my 3 children, making sure they would never have to worry about where their next meal would come from. ( Like I did) Then I put myself through Nursing school- and helping others who had given up hope of ever having a loving life-became my passion. I never knew where my inner-strength came from and how I persevered under incredible odds. I had no role models growing up.
After 24 years- I got divorced-because after raising siblings and 3 children- "I just wanted a break"- something no one I knew could ever understand. I wanted to have one day where I didn't have to plan every single minute of my day. A day to not feel guilty because I wanted to just go for a walk- by myself.
A day to feel free of overwhelming responsibility- not to be confused with being irresponsible.

I wanted a small taste of what being a child may have been like.
I survived for 3 years on the streets at 14- figuring it out as I went; learning to be resourceful beyond anything I could imagine.
Praying & wishing to find someone who could just understand one thing about me. Forgiving parents- that didn't want me.

Leaving at 14 was so frightening- and no one ever looked for me.
I found my way to school from wherever I stayed the night.
I kept this hurtful secret from my friends- they thought I had the "perfect life" by the way I talked. I became good at keeping secrets.

Today- I have experienced significant life losses- but somehow always rise above the ashes. I no longer yearn for the childhood I never had- but I do yearn for unconditional love and hope to find someone with whom to share the rest of my life- not because I need them to take care of me- but because I have so much to offer and have the ability to love so much more than I have ever been given. I left my toxic family so young- but I wonder what would have become of me if I hadn't.

Dear "Cinderalla" you and I sound very much alike, only I left at 16, because of pregnancy. Stayed in a bad marriage for many years until I couldn't take anymore. Be yourself and enjoy your life, good things will come to you.

When I was 14- I had had enough. From the time I was 8 years old-I was treated like a full grown adult- The "Cinderella" in real life. Do the laundry, babysit the siblings, wash the dishes and etc. I never had the chance to be a child. I am now 57- raised my own family the best I knew how. Gave them unconditional love and worked 2 jobs to provide for my 3 children, making sure they would never have to worry about where their next meal would come from. ( Like I did) Then I put myself through Nursing school- and helping others who had given up hope of ever having a loving life-became my passion. I never knew where my inner-strength came from and how I persevered under incredible odds. I had no role models growing up.
After 24 years- I got divorced-because after raising siblings and 3 children- "I just wanted a break"- something no one I knew could ever understand. I wanted to have one day where I didn't have to plan every single minute of my day. A day to not feel guilty because I wanted to just go for a walk- by myself.
A day to feel free of overwhelming responsibility- not to be confused with being irresponsible.

I wanted a small taste of what being a child may have been like.
I survived for 3 years on the streets at 14- figuring it out as I went; learning to be resourceful beyond anything I could imagine.
Praying & wishing to find someone who could just understand one thing about me. Forgiving parents- that didn't want me.

Leaving at 14 was so frightening- and no one ever looked for me.
I found my way to school from wherever I stayed the night.
I kept this hurtful secret from my friends- they thought I had the "perfect life" by the way I talked. I became good at keeping secrets.

Today- I have experienced significant life losses- but somehow always rise above the ashes. I no longer yearn for the childhood I never had- but I do yearn for unconditional love and hope to find someone with whom to share the rest of my life- not because I need them to take care of me- but because I have so much to offer and have the ability to love so much more than I have ever been given. I left my toxic family so young- but I wonder what would have become of me if I hadn't.

I'm debating whether to leave all or part of my family now after being marginalized and recently ostracized over false accusations by an alcoholic sister who has negatively fixated on me beginning in childhood. She is endearing and charming to everyone else in the family who all rally is support of her because her life is filled with personal crises of her own creation. She can be so angelic, but when she is drinking (which occurs daily but she has convinced everyone else she has been sober since the 80s) the hatred aimed at me feels psychotic. When she is still sober and it is just the two of us she is sweet and endearing with me too, but drinking and being in the larger group triggers her negative emotions. You mention that your family member left the whole family, instead of just the "section" he/she had issues with. Did the other sections who regret his/her leaving stand up for him/her? That's the issue I'm really dealing with in debating whether to leave everyone or just those who colluded to exclude me. If you don't stand up for a wronged family member he/she will likely perceive it as tacit, if not overt, approval of their mistreatment and abuse. Is it ever appropriate to stay in relationship with someone who approves of your mistreatment? This question may or may not be germane to your circumstance but if it is that may be a question to ask yourself.

Dear Anonymous,
Thanks for this articulate attention to a complex problem. Those who "collude to exclude" can be especially hurtful because the hope (dashed) is that they know better or care enough to act. Communication and even confrontation are worth a try but if you must move on, it can be done.
Best to you ,
Carrie

I left the home of my insanely dysfunctional, abusive, dangerous family at the age of 20, after years of living in terror and despair. at the age of 25 I cut all contact, having had it made obvious that not only was I considered a pariah, but that, since I ended the abuse and tyrannical hold that certain members of it had been keeping over me, I was also considered to have besmirched the family name. The fact that what had been happening to me,and others was criminally,as well as socially unacceptable was, apparently irrelevant to them. 20+ years later, I am told by someone who does know them, that if my name is brought up, I am accused of all kinds of things: that people are told that I was disowned because I was worthless.. that I am a liar and a fantacist. I prefer to be safe and alone, thank you

Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for contributing. Your strength, your capacity to walk away is commendable. Stay safe, find the joy in solitude. Find people who protect you and can offer a togetherness that is life affirming, not defeating.
Best,
Carrie

I stopped talking or having any contact with my parents over 20 years ago. Sad yes, lonely, sometimes yes, but best thing I could have done. No contact, no hurt, no fresh wounds. Old hurt heals with time, hold your head up and look forward, believe me time helps.

Dear Rita,
I agree. Time really does heal. It takes courage to cease contact but this decision seems to have released you from pain. It is good to hear that. Life is challenging enough without adding in chronic exposure to cruelty. Thanks for your words.
Best to you,
Carrie

At the age of 26 I decided to let go of all expectations from my toxic family and let the cards fall where they lay. After years of mental and emotional, and sometimes physical abuse, neglect, etc. I decided that my life is better off without them. But sometimes the pain of not having that love and support that only a family can provide gets to me in the worst ways (I'm fighting back tears as I type). Both of my parents are dead, and have been since I was a child. Same for grandparents. I just wish there were people in this world that cared enough about me to love me deeply, instead of criticizing, antagonizing, and telling a broken child that's she's ugly. As much as I can enjoy life and all of the beauty that comes with it since ditching my toxic family, I wish that things were different sometimes. And I wish that I could make these feelings go away.

Dear Anonymous,
I hear you. it is really hard sometimes because it feels unnatural to not have kin in your court. But we can ride out these moments of missing it, they pass and even if a craving lingers, and that is the lot, we can still live fully. I think there are people who can love you. You may need some support so that you can clear your mind and find them.
Best, Carrie

Thank you for your response. I came back to this post after months, and I will say that the pain lessens with time. However, I do struggle in other areas.

Because of this lack of support, I often find myself clinging to people that I like or care for, or just want to stay in my life. Sometimes to a fault. I shower them with love, loyalty, and compliments, often trying to prove that I am worthy of their love. When I think back to my childhood, I can vividly remember doing this often.

As an adult, this behavior has led to me losing boyfriends/friends because of my high expectations, when in reality, the feeling has not always been mutual. Quite frankly, I scare people away.

I am able to catch myself more easily these days before it scares people away, but it usually leads to me holding back or even cutting ties with the person. Mainly because I feel offended because the feeling is not mutual, or I just don't know how to handle it.

I have the same issue clinging to friends, but over time with age, I have gotten better. Just keep being a
good friend, true friend, and those that are scared away weren't true friends anyway. Good friends are hard to find, so if you find a few, you are blessed. Best to you

Hi Anonymous,
You raise some really important questions that are probably best explored via a deep relationship with a professional or other trusted mind. Talking can cure. For some people, it is a true challenge NOT to give. I think we should all have standards for how we are treated. I think you can find your way with the right conversation.
Best, Carrie

A lifetime of hateful jealous people one would hardly call a family. I get more love from a skunk on my porch and he smells much sweeter.
If more pain than pleasure.... wasting your precious life. Im 62 and i passed out from holding my breath. But i caught my breath again and realized--hey! I really CAN be happy away from them.
May as well drink Draino if you want to poison yourself.
Hey that would be a quick death -staying around them is a slow and painful one.
Dont just walk--run! Away ftom them and out into the big world-and find people who like you just the way you are. I have!
I wish you peace and joy :)

Hi Mia,
Absolutely. You are a human being with a place in this world before you are a member of a clan. Abuse is not acceptable and if perpetrators continue, deny, externalize or project, communication may be futile. We have to move on. Blood ties, when they work out are precious. But many, many people have to form bonds elsewhere.
Thanks, Carrie

I come from a bad family environment and have a mom who has constantly belittled, insulted and controlled me. it has come to a point where I'm now 21 years old and am unable to show my emotions without feeling ashamed and awkward, and it's getting harder and harder for me to form close social relationships with people. I haven't had a close friend since I was 14. Her controlling behavior and how she goes into these unpredictable "rages" (the smallest things set her off) where she screams and acts crazy and fights physically has worn me out so, so much over the years. she's also abused my father, mentally and physically, and hates his family. when his father passed away somewhat recently, we had to fly to a nearby country to attend the funeral. my mom made snide remarks to his family, and abused him everyday, sneering that it great his father was gone, calling him names and comparing his death as "peaceful, with loving people around him" to my mom's mother's death where "she died alone in her own pee". she beat him one night in the hotel room while my sister and I were in the other next door and we came rushing over when I heard my 9 year old brother crying and screaming.

the most vivid memories from my childhood are the ones of my parents fighting. I still remember the one time my father fought back. The police got involved and that was the last time he ever retaliated. My mom and my sister are not on good terms either. In my home, there is always fighting, so much bad energy, and I'm always on edge wondering when the next big fight will happen. I remember telling my friends I can't go out, because if my mom and sister end up fighting, one will end up killing the other. I'm always the one breaking up the fights because I know how to give in and keep silent and just take the abuse; but now that I'm older I've come to realise this came with a great payoff. I'm emotionally numb, depressed, withdrawn and I've become accustomed to dealing with arguments by keeping quiet. During a huge, huge argument with my mom once, I broke down (the last time I had such a meltdown was when I was a child and sat on the staircase screaming out "god help me" when my mom locked herself in a room with my sister and was holding a pair of scissors and my sister was screaming) and cried and said that I'm depressed. Instead of comforting me or just at the least leaving me alone, she made me stay in the living room, called my entire family down and made me announce it. I was already mentally exhausted and hated putting my emotions on show so freely, but I talked about it because she forced me. After saying everything, my mom just looked at me coldly, even mockingly, and basically said that I had no right to feel depressed because I had "everything in life" and that everybody has their own problems to deal with. Even though I know my mother is not the best mother around, I felt so betrayed and humiliated.

My mother is evil. But sometimes, because I'm so empathetic (I'm just stating a fact not boasting) I always forgive her and try to see the good in her. I have an innate belief that nobody is completely bad. Now, my dad is taking the steps towards a divorce. He told me recently and said that this should have happened a long time ago, even before my brother was born. He said he had a lot of respect for us (the children) who put up with all this and that he knows that it's because of my mom that I've closed myself up emotionally and can't open up to him. I cried when he told me this because I was so tired of feeling this stressed and was glad he understood even though I never talked to him about it.

After all that I had been through, and what my family has been through, you would think that I would be happy to leave and stay with my father. I know my sister and brother are. But knowing my mother she will not take this well. She will guilt-trip us and say she took care of us all her life and now we are all leaving her. She will be all alone. And because of my empathetic nature which I hate so much at times like this, I feel a duty to stay with her. In a really twisted sense of irony, I know what it's like to feel alone and betrayed and unloved, so that's why I feel that maybe I should stay with her. Does she really deserve the pain of her whole family deserting her, even though she had put them through so much pain and suffering? I know it sounds so strange that I'm saying this. But your article helped me a little in clearing my thoughts. I still can't make my decision now but I'm hoping I can just trust my heart to guide me in the end.

And to those who are reading this and are also in a toxic family situation, my heart really goes out to you. Stay strong, and don't feel alone.

I have left my family on a couple occasions before to escape the dysfunction, and returned to make an effort at reconciliation. I came back this one last time after having my first child, thinking that I could fix the problems and give them an opportunity to be grandparents. It boils down to that despite my efforts, the insanity persists and I can take no more. My story up until this point has been so similar to what other posters have described; violence, alcoholism, psychological abuse, denial, judgment, lack of communication--you name it. Whatever love there might be is obscured by the pain. And now, my mother physically attacked me tonight, while I was honestly minding my own business and holding my toddler, all because she wasn't getting her way, and my father basically stood there and watched it happen. This entire experience has been more hurtful and distressing than I ever imagined. So I'm leaving for good. I'm not ever going to try this again because now I know that sometimes the family you are born to is not the family you are meant to have forever. So I hope that if others are like me, and come to this article and read the comments like I did, looking for confirmation of what your heart is telling you anyway, then please, LEAVE. Get out of the situation as fast as you can. Even if it's uncomfortable, or if it causes some struggle, because in the end it's worth it. For your sanity and peace of mind, get the help you need to heal. And if you have children, for the love of them, BREAK THE CYCLE and make sure the dysfunction ends with you. Wishing strength and better days to us all.

when you have children, then it's always best to get out of the situation. your son or daughter doesn't deserve the negativity they have come into. And ask yourself, do you want them seeing and being a part of this? Love as best you can, be better then they were. Show your child you truly care about them and supprt them and you will be ok. Love and family is about acceptance, forgiveness, and caring. Sometimes family is not about birth or blood, but those around us we are blessed to say care for us and our well being!

Thank you so much for this article, and for those who so generously shared their experiences in the comments. I am sorry this has happened to so many people, but heartened to see that many have overcome and become stronger and more at peace.

This summer, I finally severed contact with my abusive mother who alternated for 60 years between reeling me in with sweet words, taking my financial and other assistance (although I found out she lied and didn't really need it) and pouring toxic abuse on my soul with her cruel words and finally accusing me and my husband of serious things that we did not do. I finally told my siblings, who had done nothing to stand up for me, that I was now out of the picture and they would have to do it all.

It took a long time to get rid of the worry and the guilt, but I am getting there. Even though it is family, boundaries are necessary. I forgive her, but I do not want reconciliation when she continues to act this way and shows no indication of being sorry. I'm glad I did it, even though it was very hard.

Dear Day by Day,
Thanks for the kind words and generous thoughts. It is good to hear that you made the break, in spite of the psychological difficulty. This is so hard to do and many people get stuck hoping things will change. Hope should be the " thing with feathers" to quote Emily Dickinson, but false hope can keep you down and in a chronic turmoil. Here is to moving on to better things.
Best to you,
Carrie