Walls of a “Frigid Wife” Aren’t Built in a Day

My husband is a pastor/contractor, and sometimes he says things that starts the gears a-turnin’ in my writer’s brain.

Though he meant this statement in the literal sense, I began thinking over the figurative implications of it…all of the sudden I was contemplating how it applied to me.

I thought of how tiring it can be to shut someone out.

I thought about all the work it takes to build those walls.

I thought about now that the wall is up, how I was unable to see out even though I was just trying to keep him from seeing in.

Yes, I said him.

Sadly, I have been building a wall in my marriage. After almost 20 years, it has become less like a wall and more like a fortified stronghold.

The Fridge Keeps Things COLD

I am what they call a “Frigid Wife.”

I am embarrassed and ashamed to say that it started on our honeymoon.

All the dreams of wedded bliss (sex) that a young married couple longs to experience (sex) when they are dating (sex) were dashed that very night we walked down the aisle.

Something in me snapped—

And unexpectedly, I was no longer interested in the “taboo” physical activity that was so hard to resist days before. Fear had me frozen.

I was hoping after a time or two that my hubby’s interest in sex would wear off. But seriously? A young man in the prime of his life? Yeah, good luck with that one.

So, I started becoming angry (wrongfully) that his desire didn’t just “go away” or become satisfied after a week of a couple times here and there.

And whether I knew it or not, my subconscious mind began drawing blue prints on my present-day fortress. My stronghold…

Little by Little, Brick by Brick

Now years later, I am soooo in over my head. After investing oodles of time and energy trying to protect myself from something I feared and had wrong perceptions about, I finally see the walls towering around me.

This has to STOP. And more than that, it needs to be demoed A.S.A.P.

But it seems impossible.

I honestly have no clue how to dismantle my impenetrable ice palace that would put Queen Elsa of Annandale to shame. Only mine is not nearly as pretty—not even close. Mine looks more like that sloppy snowman with a misshaped trunk mixed with dirt, leaves and debris.

But even though I totally don’t know how to do this, I know someone Who does. And in fact, He never wanted me to build this thing to begin with. And I know HE wants it gone!

2 Corinthians 10:3-6 says this:

3 For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. 4 For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. 5 We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, 6 being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete.

What I built in my sinful flesh has to be dismantled by “divine power.” I CANNOT do this alone. I need the Spirit of God to intervene in a mighty way.

So, I need to “Go to the mattresses.” (I’m quoting You’ve Got Mail here, not The Godfather by the way, but pun most definitely intended…)

It is time to fight! And the proverbial wrecking ball of my fortress is truth.

In order to destroy these “wrong arguments”, to “take thoughts captive” and “punish every disobedience to obey Christ”, I have to DEMOLISH those lies.

We need the truth because our flesh is no match for the lies.

We need the power of the living word to attack each and every justification, wrong thought and rationalization. And He who wants to wash and sanctify us, has all power and authority to get the job done. We just need to believe Him.

Many Hands Make Light Work

Just like it took time and effort to get that fortress built, it will take time and effort to tear it down.

Maybe you have an ice palace built around you, too. Please know you aren’t alone.*

We all struggle. We all fall into traps and lies—we humans tend make a complete mess of things—things that God made to be beautiful.

But the best part? We don’t have to remain there.

If you want to go on this journey of healing with me, come on! We have strength in numbers.

It’s time to “bring down the [ice] house” in the name of Jesus.

Let’s do this together.

*Ladies, this offer is real.

I want you to know that I am willing to share what I am learning. We can become prayer partners in our struggles. Please message me and let me know what I can do as your sister in Christ to pray for you and let’s obey the word…together.

69 thoughts on “Walls of a “Frigid Wife” Aren’t Built in a Day”

Hello Chisty — Powerful and brave words. And stepping out of the darkness and “confessing our sins” one to the other…we are healed. And you are on your way!! I will be praying and checking back here just to see how God is mightily working in you. While this is an issue I have not struggled with I know all too well about walls of protection…and how sometimes it goes all the way back to when we were very small. My heart is with you on your journey. Blessings…

Hi Christy,
Wow! What an awesome post! I needed to read this today 🙂 Thank you for writing something so encouraging and honest. One of my favorite lines from this post is: “we humans tend make a complete mess of things—things that God made to be beautiful.” I could not agree with that more. This is my first time to your blog and I love it! So glad I found it!
Blessings,
Haley
Grace, Purpose & Pearls

Faith Like Dirty Diapers. Dirty Laundry you are airing. Or washing in the blood of Jesus?

Christy, I ADMIRE you for sharing, for being vulnerable, for offering a helping hand. How many need to take you up on that offer? Makes me pause, as I bet my precious hubby of 35+ years would cheer me on to learn from you in this walk…

Hi Susan, This link tells the story behind the name: https://faithlikedirtydiapers.com/faith-like-dirty-what/
But yes, it seems, I’m doing a little of both (“Dirty Laundry” that needs “Washing in Jesus’ blood”…) 😉
Thanks for your encouragement Susan. This is not the first time I have tried working on this issue in the past many times and many ways. But lately it has taken on a new look, one that no longer makes it easier to sweep under the rug or look away from.
And I know that God can heal, and I also know others are hurting here.
This is my way to honor God and hold myself and others accountable-and come into the light with it…
Yes, ‘eviction’ is a good word…

I’ve backspaced a dozen different replies… The words in black and white text don’t seem to do justice. I wish I could virtually hug you for your honesty, Christy! I REALLY needed to hear this today. This very subject has been a foothold for the enemy in my own marriage, exponentially so over the last couple of months. Because of past experiences, I struggle with intimacy and trust. I have built walls that seem impossible to tear down. Thank you so very much for your encouragement! I will be praying for you my friend! If you remember, please keep me in prayer too.

Tina, I am so glad this was a help to you! I am blessed by your words.
This is the first of many on this subject. I have been here before-many times-but this time is different. God is moving.
Yes, I will pray for you and feel free to contact me under the “Say Hi!” Tab on the menu. There are a couple of others who have messaged me personally and we are starting this walk to healing together! I’d love to help you, too! 🙂

Christy, I can’t help but think (know!) that your courage is a blessing to many people. Our church is in the midst of a study called “A Church Without Curtains” in which we look at the curtains (walls) we have erected in our lives. These curtains separate us from God and others. The study focuses on how we can tear down the curtains so we are authentic before God and others. As I read through your post I was struck by the similarity between your message and our study’s message. As we exchange the lies we believe for God’s truth, we live in greater freedom and joy.

I can’t say I struggle with the same issue you do, but I have plenty of my own walls/curtains. Your post further encourages me to replace the untruths I am believing with the truth of God.

Thank you for sharing so authentically here! As a fellow pastor’s wife (and one who has often built walls herself), I really appreciate how you draw us back to our need for the Father. My walls may not look exactly like yours, but they are there, nonetheless. So, I’m in it with you, my sister in Christ, this work of demo-ing those walls by the power of Christ in us. I’ll be sharing this with my readers as I wrote honestly about faults in my marriage this week, too. This will be a good complement to those posts. 🙂 Thanks for sharing at Grace and Truth this week!
Jen @ Being Confident of This

Thank you so much for your kind encouragement!
If you ever want to connect as wives whose husbands happen to be pastors 😉 I’d love that!
I stopped by your place and followed you! I look forward to seeing more!

This is beautiful! Having the courage to admit one has a wall … watch out. The wall will come falling down faster than you can run out of its way! I’ve had to deal with walls the last year. What I discovered is when I let Abba tackle them, they come down. And now I wonder why I ever put them up in the first place! There is hope sister! I pray you find the healing and pure intimacy he has for you. 🙂

Christy, I appreciate this post so much. I, too, struggle with this issue and I’ve been married 40 years! Sometimes I just don’t have the interest, but I know that God is working and it’s His grace and strength that will continue to heal this area. Thanks for being so vulnerable and willing to share. We are not alone. 🙂

“We all struggle. We all fall into traps and lies—we humans tend make a complete mess of things—things that God made to be beautiful. But the best part? We don’t have to remain there.” <— Such a powerful truth! Love this! Thank GOD we don't have to remain there. Thank you for such a beautiful reminder!

So wonderfully encouraging to read this! This is definitely the area in my life where I am most prone to build up walls. But I agree with you – there is only One who can turn things around and that hope is so powerful.

Thank you for baring your heart Christy and being so open about this. No doubt you are encouraging so many others. I cheer on your heart and your bravery. I can’t wait to meet! Whoo-hooo! Love you. Thanks for joining the #RaRalinkup on Purposeful Faith; I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t there.

Christy, I am so proud of you. Your vulnerability is so needed in this area for women. Your desire to help is one that I believe God is going to use and I can’t wait to be here to cheer you on sweet friend. I love you! Break down those walls girlfriend and you will find an intimacy and pleasure far greater than you can even imagine, while walking in the blessings of marriage. God created sex to be a pleasure for us, not a hindrance. Although, I will never understand why He gave guys so much more of a desire than He did women. But what do I know. I just have to trust Him on this. I have had to get over my own self many times and lay down my own desires to satisfy the desires of the guy that God gave me. After all, we don’t want anyone else satisfying him. God’s got this! Great post! : ) Brenda

This is brave and beautiful, Christy! I’m so glad you’re having this conversation here. And you quoted “You’ve Got Mail,” the movie from which my blog title comes. So you know that made me smile! Hoping others find much encouragement here. Thanks for linking up at #ThreeWordWednesday.

Christy, you are so transparent in this struggle. You no doubt have opened the door for conversation that many need. You are brave and so willing to reach out. During some times in my life when I have struggled with this issue, there is always a back story. Things that just needed dealing with. I am 54 and married for 37 years sooooo, you know I have ridden the roller coaster of desire 🙂 God is faithful. Keep seeking. Keep fighting (going to the mattresses) for your marriage. God will fight with you.

Such a very brave post, Christy. I related in many ways to those wedding night fears and the difficulties that came after. My husband and I have been married 15 years and the first half was quite a struggle in the intimacy area. I was eventually diagnosed with a hormone imbalance that was very real and devastating, but once treated, let me tell you, walls came down – much to my husband’s delight. 🙂 God was so faithful to get us through the “grin and bear it” years and we learned a lot about each other that has made the more recent years all the sweeter. God weaves purpose out of the difficulty and I have a feeling your words will bring freedom to a lot of woman too ashamed to speak of this real issue. Blessings to you – your neighbor at #threewordwednesday.

Christy, it’s so lovely to “meet you” through Kristin’s linkup. Thanks for this very good word today. It’s easy to give into my selfishness and my flesh as a wife. I want to go to the mattresses, too. xo

Christy – Linking up with you from Testimony Tuesday and happy I did. I so appreciate your vulnerability, and I agree with you that God “has all power and authority to get the job done”. I, too, have ‘mountains’ and walls in my life, and I am going to God to move those mountains in my life. God bless.

Hi Christy, I came over from the Grace and Truth link up. Thank you for writing this. No, you definitely aren’t alone. I struggle with this too, and I have found that even this area of my life can be brought to God in prayer. God gives us so much grace. : )

I love your openness and your honesty. This is one of the bravest posts I’ve read in quite a while….so glad I found you at Lisha’s link up #GiveMeGrace.
God bless you on the demolishing of your walls, and your fear.
In Peace,
Chelle

Lisha,
Thanks so much for hosting! And thanks for your encouragement! You are so right, it would take me a page or more to tell you everything God has done since this small step of faith out “into the light.” God is greatly using this for His glory to reach out to women who struggle in this area. And if you knew how inhibited I am about sex, you would have a great laugh with me that God sees fit to use me this way!! 😉 I am happy to be His servant.

Such courage you have to share this with the world. I so admire your vulnerability! I know God will bless you through it (and your husband), as well as many other wives who are in the same situation. Thank you for sharing.

Lisa, thanks for your encouraging words! It was a little tough to step into the light… But oh, what God has done for us! 😊 it is my prayer that thise who are in the midst of this will cling to truth and the God of all hope!

The fact that you so humbly opened up and shared some of your deepest struggles shows how God is moving in your life. He is giving you the wings to fly out of your ice castle – AND he has equipped you with the bravery and willingness to offer help to other wives. I commend you so highly. Keep flying!

Although my story was different, I built those same walls in my marriage, too. God allowed me to break, and I was then able to begin the process of unbuilding those walls, one brick at a time. Dismantling the walls was hard–but it has been worth every single step of the way. The marriage I have now is light years ahead of where it was before I began the journey.

You are not alone in walking this journey. There are lots of us who can walk right alongside you because it is a journey we know. I’d like to invite you to my blog (forgivenwife.com). You’ll see that you have many sisters in this journey of healing your marriage.

You are so on your way! You’ve identified and admitted the problem and Satan will not be able to torment you to keep hidden and be ashamed of a revealed truth. Prayers for your continued strength and determination.

Although I haven’t experienced this particular wall, for many years I built an awful wall around my emotions, especially around my hubby. I didn’t have a name for it at the time, but my dysthymic disorder was something I tried so hard to keep him from seeing… and some days, either the disorder or myself kept me from letting him into my pain and emotional chaos. I had been hiding it since childhood really, and when God finally tore those walls down, the aftermath wasn’t great, but sometimes healing is like that.
Getting rid of the lies, bathing in His truth… I’m working side by side on that with ya, that’s for sure!!!
Hugs, Christy, God will do something special with this new ministry and process!!! I know He will!