The rasp of a storyteller stood in her voice.

We sat side by side, pursing cups of tea between long fingers as we watched the fire spit and swallow the shards of gold & yellow.

She choice valiant adjectives like strands of pearls to place beside the man she loved, the man she had always loved. A man who picked up a hammer for the first time to feed the mouths of his children. A man who dropped dreams like gum drops to come to grips with the one in the mirror.

“Everything that he once did, the things he was known for, were stripped away. And he really had to learn who he was,” she said.

That’s what happens, I thought. When hardships strike and the ship rocks, that is what happens. When suddenly the accomplishments on paper cannot cradle you soundly across the night. When you realize, for the first time maybe, that they never could carry you. But they could distract you. And they could make you think that they were the things–the very, very things– to fill you like watering cans with goodness & value & worth in this world.

I walked away from the coziness of our tea date thanking the gods of conversation for bringing us together to talk & whisper over the deeper things in life.

I walked into the darkness of the roadside, to fumble with keys, and buckle myself in, and think a little longer about who I am in this world. And what parts of me have I wanted to shed like skin. And what inches & angles of me would I be proud to tell a slew of children about one day. The Ones Who Call Me a Word So Sacred as Mama.

I felt the whispers closing in around me, catching my breath with their conviction. Know who you are, know why that matters.All the whispers I have never stayed quiet long enough to hear when Facebook can give me my instant validation & Twitter can remind me that I am worthy of followers. No, I never hear the conviction when I go to sleep with knees still soggy from trudging in the Muds of Other People all day, the ones who assure me that I have weight in this world. That I matter. That I fit. That I won’t float away tomorrow.

We need to know who we are in all of this.

And maybe I am being too pushy in including you with my sentences but I know that I need to know who I am in all of this– not what I do, not who I know, not the recommendations beside my name or the accolades that stack like ornaments on the stronger elm branches. We need to be stronger than those things, fiercer in finding other things. We need to know who we are… and what that means to the world.

Like if tomorrow we are to drop anything we have ever done by the roadside. Like if tomorrow we are called to survive on who we actually are when the world stops watching. Like if tomorrow I will stroll right up to you and not think to ask, So What Do You Do? No, not that.But who the heck are you? And what does that mean to people? And does it make your stomach turn or are you grateful for that person in the mirror? And have you tried to change? And are you fixing things now? And what are you cluttering up your mouth with to keep from saying, “This is me. Broken, yes. Learning, yes. Trying, always. But this is me. And I wouldn’t want to slip into the skins of anyone else. Because there is a reason for me. Yes, there is a reason for me in this world.”

You see that last line? That is the hardest part. I am so sure of it. That is the hardest thing to declare in the whole of this world… that we think there is a reason to be alive in this world. That we believe there is a reason why we were created from dust & bones to bring something to this world that was not here before us.

You are called to be a brick.

When someone comes to you and asks about you, you are called to be a brick. In the knowing or the not knowing, it really does not matter. In the figuring or the finding or the falling or the failing, you are called to be the brick in the group. Not the walking resume. Not the one who hangs accomplishments in the air. But the brick who says louder than most that you don’t have it all figured out. That you will probably go to a rocking chair not having it all figured out. But that this life is real & fleshy for that reason. To fall a little. And get knocked on your face. And have dignity stripped. And have joy rush in. And that nothing in the span of this time on earth is perfect but you did not come here for perfection.

You came here just to fall & fail long enough and hard enough so that you could be the solid brick for when others fall on you & admit their failures to you.

And you are a layer of the foundation. An intricate layer of the foundation.

And you are a chunk, a building block of history that does not glean a repeat.

And you are solid. You are as as solid as my sureness that there is a mighty, mighty reason for you.

Needed this today. I’m fortunate to know my reason for being. GRATEFUL for that. and yup, I Know how to be a Brick for OTHERS, like Saturday Free Hugging out in storm-damaged Rockaway. I still need to learn how to be that same Brick for Myself; Solid rather than Struggling. to trust I Can write the book about Belize; deadline looms, those old professor voices in my head continue to say “maddening writing style!” I Need Focus and Belief in myself.
Thanks, Hannah, for the reminder. HUG.

Hannah, how is it that you always know what I need? I really needed this today…needed it over the weekend too but today the most. Your words really soothe me. Calm me down and tell me to relax, that there is something for me out there too. Thank you!

Overwhelmed. There’s so many insights I enjoyed in this poem. This may be my favorite though:

That’s what happens, I thought. When hardships strike and the ship rocks, that is what happens. When suddenly the accomplishments on paper cannot cradle you soundly across the night. When you realize, for the first time maybe, that they never could carry you. But they could distract you. And they could make you think that they were the things–the very, very things– to fill you like watering cans with goodness & value & worth in this world.

There are so many great quotes in this post! I thought I had one I wanted to use to link to this post on Twitter, but then I came across two or three others! I think I’m just going to copy them all down. Lovely, honest writing, Hannah! :)

Absolutely amazing…words never say enough, but you seem to grab them from somewhere that creates an inspirational whirlpool of emotion and thought. I love it that when I go read your posts they tend to be exactly what I needed in that moment.

I just watched your TED talk, Hannah. I am going through a particularly hard time at the moment – these are blue days. But your talk made me remember that people still share unbidden kindness with people they don’t know. And my heart was buoyed. Thank you.

I read this the other day and had to come back to read it again. I needed to read this post because there are times like today that I have a really hard time believing that I am suppose to be here. I am fighting some health issues and I’ve grown weary from the fight to stay in this game called life. Some days I think I am suppose to give up and let go and just stop fighting. So I came back to be reminded that there is a reason for me and all this I am going through. Thank you for helping me to remember there is a reason and today I will choose to stay in the game.