Where Has Her Libido Gone?

What To Do When She's Lost Her Libido

There's a song that goes, “Where has her libido gone?” Now I want you to sing it. Do you guys remember the song “Where Have All the Flowers Gone?”

Where has her libido gone? She was amazing for the first six months of the relationship. She couldn't get enough of you. She attacked you. She'd go crazy all over — all over you. She'd blow you. She'd screw you in weird places. She'd want sex with you in the middle of the afternoon. Then, all of a sudden, it became a relationship. And all this stuff started happening. And it seemed like her libido dried up.

Missing: sex life

So what do you do? Well, you're probably like any other man: You start complaining, because we like to complain about things that we've lost. You start dropping those little hints, like, “Hey, babe, how come you never, you know, you never attack me anymore?” Or, “Hey, babe, I really miss the way you used to touch me.” Or, “Hey, babe, I really am wondering why you aren't doing these things anymore? Are we just getting used to each other?”

We'll start the complaining cycle. And the problem is, the complaining cycle never works. If you ask your friends, you'll find most of them are in exactly the same situation (meaning, no sex life). They're either in relationships that don't have enough sex, or they're not in a relationship and they're not getting any sex. So the ones who are not getting any sex will tell you not to worry about it — at least you get it once in a while.

But I don't believe the libido ever needs to go away.

The amazing thing about intimacy and about having the same sexual partner is that the two of you can get comfortable with each other and learn everything about each other. Learn how to get each other off, learn how to please each other, learn what the other one likes. Know what the other one doesn't like. And that's exciting.

It's not that she's not attracted to you. It's not that her sex drive is gone. It's that you're not connecting with her emotionally anymore. When sex is taken away from him, a man will complain. Some men get pouty. Some men just ignore their partner. And most of them will throw the complaints out there. It’s the kind of passive-aggressive behavior that I described above.

Emotional connection

When a woman takes away the sex, it's because you're no longer connecting emotionally to her and you're not treating her the same way you used to. Maybe you romanced her in the first six months and you're no longer doing the little things that made her want to jump your bones every day. Maybe you're not listening to her when she comes home or you're not showing interest in things in her life. Maybe you're not going out to the restaurant that she likes. Maybe you've become a football-aholic and you're sitting on the couch every Sunday.