Who the fuck am I? Part 3…

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. So the storm is still clearing and the light is breaking through the clouds every now and then, my mood is feeling lighter even though there is still a bit of light rain in the air. This is the thing with bipolar, a cycle can feel like it lasts longer than what it does because the recovery process is usually quite slow. Even though I know the storm is over, I still feel a little heavy-hearted but that might also be down to the bitch of anxiety and mother nature joining forces to turn me into she-hulk for next few days if you know what I mean. Just in time for camping on Tuesday, lucky me! I am so glad I have 2 weeks off from work though and I was very honest with work, I told them I was burnt out and I needed some time to focus on my mental health and physical health. The response was amazing and they thanked me for being so honest. Sometimes taking risks work out and I know not every job will do that but that is why it is called a risk and for my mental health I had to take that risk.

So this week I have been focusing on me, myself and I. As I stated in my first post of who the fuck am I? We can lose who we are in our mental illness and that’s a horrible feeling to have of not recognizing who you are.

Who the fuck am I? Part 3…

I am fucking hilarious! No, I am deadly serious I honestly do think I am funny. I would say my sense of humor is quite dry and sarcastic, most people might say it is a typical English type of sense of humor. Yes before you ask I do laugh at my own jokes and what is wrong with that!
I know my sense of humor is something I inherited from my dad but that did come with some bad habits attached. I will use humor a lot to deflect an emotional situation. My role in a circle of friends always seems to be the funny one, the girl who can make people laugh and that got me friend zoned a lot with boys when I was younger, they didn’t want to be in a relationship with the chubby funny girl, just friends! So when guys did get interested I really didn’t know how to deal with it.
My humor came part of my shield, I am first to make a joke about myself so I don’t have to hear it from someone else, kind of beat them to the punch situation. But being the clown can be a double edged sword, as people start to think; well she won’t have a problem if I poke fun a bit as she can take a joke. Nope sorry I am one sensitive clown.
Yes, it is a good thing to have a sense of humor and to be able to see the funny side of life, it can also lead down a very slippery slope and hiding behind your humor and not facing things head on.
Take care all

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3 thoughts on “Who the fuck am I? Part 3…”

My god, I get this so much. I was always “the silly one” when I still had friends. I appeared carefree, I didn’t care about grades and I never knew when was the deadline of handing a project to the teacher. This caused people to believe that I would forget about important things and they never took me seriously. But just because I didn’t care about my graded, didn’t mean that if a friend asked me for a favor if just forget.

Boys weren’t interested in me either. I wasn’t sexy or charismatic or smart or pretty. I was the clown too. And it started then, and it’s still so today, that I laugh a lot. It’s not a sincere laugh. I’m just depressed, anxious, tired, and just really hate myself and want to go home. So I laugh nonstop to cover it up. I laugh at everything, and then I get back home and it’s all gone. I’m capable of laughing or smiling for real. It’s just not happening often. Because the hidden truth people don’t know is that I am not really “the silly one”; I’m the “mentally fucked up” one. And I’m not gonna let people know that. I have other places I can be true to myself. Here is an example. My every comment is sincere, so you probably already know me better than my irl friends, even though i just comment here.

I hope you can find that balance. That we can find that balance. It’s ok to laugh at you own jokes! Why not! But we should learn to be more honest too. We can’t hide behind our clown mask forever. Its a great thing you told your boss the truth, and they gave you a break from work to concentrate on you mental health! Have a great time and relax! 😊