Indianapolis, IN – Dave Bonner, an Indianapolis native, broke up with his ex-girlfriend on Sunday, ending the quasi-non-relationship they had been sort of but not really engaged in. Bonner and his ex-girlfriend, Connie Bishop, had been broken up for three months and dated for a year-and-half prior to that. Bonner said their non-relationship had threatened to grow into a full-on regular relationship at several points after the initial breakup but he had to finally end it.

Bonner said their arrangement was great at first, because it was free sex with no strings attached, but after awhile they started having non-relationship problems and fighting. Bonner claimed his ex-girlfriend would make impossible demands on him and act essentially like a bitchy girlfriend. “I already had her as a bitchy girlfriend. Why would I want a bitchy ex-girlfriend?” said Bonner.

Bonner went on to say, “There was this one time I got reamed out for going to watch hoops with my boys. It was a totally innocuous guy’s night out and she got upset that I didn’t run it by her first. The problem is, we were broken up, so I was like, why do I need to run it by you?” stated Bonner. “She got super pissed at that and we had an hour-long discussion on my obligations as her ex-boyfriend. Then she wouldn’t sleep with me until I took her to a nice restaurant on Friday night.”

Bishop took a different perspective on their non-relationship: “We were still fucking, which means we had responsibilities and obligations to each other even if we’re broken up.”

Bishop claims that her ex-boyfriend would come over to her Wynnedale apartment on certain nights, they would sleep together, and then he would forget or flat-out not communicate with her for three or four days in a row, sometimes a week. That included emails and texts. “Dave would get laid and it was like he was all set for the week, and he wouldn’t call until he needed to get laid again. What a jerk.”

Bonner responded, “I’d call her and she would talk my ear off, telling me about her day, what happened at work, how she got an oil change, how her dogs were doing. I was bored out of my fucking skull. We were broken up, why the hell would I want to know about her dogs?”

Bishop said they rarely went on out on dates, and when they did, she would occasionally have to split the check or even pay for the whole thing. “Just because we’re broken up doesn’t mean I have to pay for our dates. He was such a cheapskate after we broke up. I got back at him though, because I wouldn’t have sex with him unless he paid. And it had to be a nice restaurant, not a Chipotle.”

Bonner claimed he wasn’t in the non-relationship for the sex. “[The sex] wasn’t even that good. I mean, Connie stopped giving me blowjobs. She said blowjobs were reserved for her boyfriends and she couldn’t give me a blowjob because I wasn’t her boyfriend. She called them ‘relationship hummers.’ Someone tell me, what the fuck is a relationship hummer?”

“Dave kept trying to have all this kinky sex with me,” Bishop said, “Including oral and butt sex. He even tried to ejaculate on my boobs a couple of weeks ago. I was like, no-way-Jose, we’re broken up, I only do the crazy stuff with my real boyfriends.”

Both Bonner and Bishop committed to making the breakup work and keep from having no-strings-attached sex in the future. Bonner had even gone so far as to renew his Match.com subscription, but he stated, “all the chicks on Match have tons of baggage.” Further, he said he might sleep with Connie again if he got desperate. Bishop claimed she wouldn’t have sex with Bonner again unless he took her to a really super nice restaurant, or at the very least picked up lower-bowl tickets to the Pacers game, at which point she would consider it.

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