Introvert: I’m Not Angry, This Is Just My Face

A lot of introverts have what I like to call “resting bitch face”. This refers to the facial expression we default to when we are concentrating, daydreaming, or focusing intensely on something. To the outside world, it might appear that we’re upset during these times. We glare, we crinkle our brows, we let our lips fall into a frown.

It’s not that we’re angry, or sad. We might be having a wonderful time frolicking through enchanted imaginary worlds in our mind. Perhaps, we’re simply observing a person or event with cat-like focus. Or maybe, just maybe, we’re ruthlessly judging those around us, and silently cursing them (just kidding, this is rarely the case).

Regardless of what we’re thinking about when we default to our resting bitch face, others are sure to misinterpret our facial expression. Some people will self-consciously assume that we’re judging them. Others will think that we are depressed. Many people, as I’m sure you’ve experienced, will take it upon themselves to ‘turn our frown upside down’.

They do this very cleverly and sneakily, by saying things like, “you should smile.”

Really?

We are left to either force a fake smile that thinly veils how annoyed we are, or try to explain why we aren’t smiling. We might say something like, “Oh, I was just concentrating on something,” or “I’m not upset, this is just my face”. Sigh.

A lot of people won’t say anything at all (thank goodness!), but will think we are intimidating, or snobby, or that we hate them. I know this because a few friends of mine have said that when they first met me they made the above assumptions because of my resting bitch face + reserved nature.

What to do?

I wouldn’t waste too much time worrying about what people think of your resting bitch face. If you’re like me, you probably save your sweet smile and lovey dovey expressions for the people who matter most to you. It’s not that you go around grimacing at everyone else, but you don’t feel the need to slap on a false smile for each person you meet.

So, let your face do its thing, even if that means you look a little bitchy, snobby, or intimidating in the process. The right people will appreciate your authenticity.

I get the same responses. Most of the time I’m observing life around me (I’m artistic/creative, and a former therapist) and I’m busy with noting details. Unless I feel like laughing or smiling (cats always make me smile) I feel irritated by those who expect a continual smile. People have their own life going on, and can’t be preoccupied appearing a certain way for the outside world. many introverts for example, have a rich inner life, and sadly there’s people don’t know what an ‘inner life’ is.

I can relate also. Yes, you do get use to it. I just think of it as using my inherent Selective Attention abilities to tune out unimportant stuff. I know, despite what someone may say or may think, that I’m absolutely fine. The question does bother me anymore because I already know the answer.

“If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.”
― Audre Lorde

There’s really nothing wrong with a default facial expression. Also, from my observation and talking to introverted women, you seem especially susceptible to the call for a smile. Probably because of the social expectation that women are supposed to be accommodating and receptive to interaction as it comes. So if you’re not, some people will feel uncomfortable and attempt to “correct” the uncertain factor.

“You should smile” might come out of genuine concern for your emotional state, but most times it seems to come from other people wanting to be more comfortable in the face of your introspection.

I do find it a bit weird that a fake smile would be acceptable to the “smile seeker”, because a real smile moves the whole face in a subtle way. I guess they don’t mind the “shark eyes” effect of a fake one. It also has a feel of performance to have a smile be requested, like your authentic feelings at the moment aren’t enough.

What you say feels right on. There are those of us who attend to our ‘inner life’ when we need to.There are those who feel others should focus on the outside world. Respect people’s uniqueness and differences – it’s a huge world teeming with multitudes of beings each occupying in inner dimension and an outer dimension in it.

“You should smile” might come out of genuine concern for your emotional state, but most times it seems to come from other people wanting to be more comfortable in the face of your introspection.”

It almost never has anything to do with the former and everything to do with the latter. A stranger especially couldn’t give a rat’s ass even if you were genuinely unhappy about something so them telling you to smile is pretty much the same as saying, “The way you look makes me uncomfortable so please change that so I’ll feel more at ease.” But that’s just insecurity on their part.

In public my solution has been to put on my shades and daydream away. At work though (i work retail) this has led to too many “you should smile”s and complaints about me always looking angry. After explaining to my manager that that is just the way my face looks he said “well, then just fake it” . *sigh* If only ….

That’s ironic to me…every time I’m in a large retail store, many of the employees there never seem to have a pleasant demeanor and/or smile at any customers-unless someone says something nice or funny. So it’s not just you. However, all of the retail associates are not introverted, so it sucks that they singled you out.

This is totally true. Where I work no one is smiling while doing their job, but only I am constantly singled out and told to smile and asked what’s wrong all the time. Apparently, my not smiling neutral face isn’t as pleasant as other people’s not smiling neutral face. But since none of us are smiling, singling out my neutral face as something to complain about is actually a personal insult to my face! Oh well. I guess it’s one of my lots in life.

I now realize that this has been the reason I haven’t gotten any of the jobs I was qualified for. Thinking shouldn’t be something one is punished for, but changing what others think is never going to be possible. Why is it that WE never think that of others?

I have that problem too. I’ve considered bank robbery as I know I’ll never get accepted into the ever shrinking retail sector.

It’s part of the global plan so everybody will be forced to rely on a broken welfare system that has no substantial methods. Then when it runs out that’s when the shit is going to hit the fan nationwide and we get the full effects of Agenda 21 and the UN *bails out* the USA in a rescue me plan.

Mari
on November 15, 2014 at 10:16 am

That’s funny…I guess I have resting bitch face because people in school last year said, “Are you okay?”/”Is something wrong?”/”Wow, you look pissed!” /”Did I do something wrong?” I have had to always have to attempt to put on a normal expression or they’d just keep thinking I’m a cold-hearted, judging freak. I finally got used to having a slight-smile face in public, but it’s all out resting bitch face at home. My mom is still getting used to it as she said I could have passed for a stay-out-of-my-way cheerleader last year…:/

I have a RBF! I always have to explain that I am just fine, I a just doing my work. Usually this happens when I am thinking of nothing but the task at hand! I will say, always having to fake a smile is exhausting!

People need to realize that everyone won’t wear an expression simply for others, and that there’s a private aspect to people, they’re expressing where they’re at, not concerned what others think. What others think of me is none of my business.

I’ve tried the “you should smile more” thing. Aside from feeling repulsively phony I found it to be very tiring. Trying to be who you aren’t in order to “fit in” is easily as draining to my reserve of emotional energy as a half hour of small talk. In very fact, I think it can be more draining sometimes which has got me to thinking – when I just don’t feel as though I’ve got the energy to carry on without a recharge is it really that I don’t have the energy to do it or is it that I don’t have the energy to do it like an extravert?!

Ha! Funny! How many times I have heard that! My standard answer . . . I always wanted to have a happy, smiley face. Just didn’t turn out that way. Wish my feet were smaller, too. It’s really hard to find pretty shoes.

I agree with what’s being said here. I’ve had to defend my “FACE” for years. I’ve been called and accused of being a “Bitch” because of how I looked or in this case didn’t look. I love how people who swear up and down they aren’t judgmental are very judgmental. Why are you judging me without knowing me first. Yes I can understand how people feel when they are judged by how they look. People telling me to smile cause it makes me look friendly. Seriously? It was rough when I was younger, but as I’ve grown I stopped caring. If you want to hold back from approaching me because you “Think” I’m not a nice person, or I’ll snap your face off, that’s your loss, because I’m probably one of the nicest/supportive people you’ll ever meet. Don’t judge a book by it’s cover. :o)

Okay, I have to say that the “b” word is one word that I cannot stand being applied to a woman (although it doesn’t bother me at all in any other context). It actually feels like a physical assault to me when I hear it used this way.

That said, I think that this is a very apt term for the face; I like it. I’ve been told my default expression is “grumpy”, and even had it mocked (in good fun). I wonder what the “guy” equivalent for “resting bitch face” would be; I don’t think that name-calling is applied to guys as much as it is to women.

It’s funny, because I think I’m one of the happiest and most content people I know, but this doesn’t generally leak to the outside world unless I’m actually interacting with someone.

I remember going one time with some friends to see a movie in university. At one point, the girl sitting next to me asked why I wasn’t enjoying the show. I was actually enjoying it very much. It was one of the funniest shows I had recently seen, but I guess I was too inconsiderate to share this knowledge with the rest of the theatre.

Had to reply to Graeme ‘s comment about the movie. I am a guy and I get that alot also. I can’t count the number of times I have been enjoying a film and get someone saying “oh you didn’t like it did you” and when I say yes I really enjoyed it, they NEVER believe me.
It’s funny if it were not kind of sad.

Haha, that’s me too! Good to know it’s just an introvert thing. Friends I’ve made have confided in me that they’d thought I’d hated their guts before we warmed up to eachother, and I’m super relaxed and easy going, just really intense looking at times, I guess, when I’m thinking to myself. This is my first visit to your blog, and I know I’ll be back to read more!

Here’s a tip I’ve discovered: Keep your lips slightly parted instead of pressed together (not all the time, just when you feel you need to look more friendly). For some reason it makes your whole face look more approachable.

My experience with my resting bitch face actually happens more at home than at work. The number one person who says I look upset (when I’m not) is my significant other. It wouldn’t bother me so much if it were from strangers, but it’s from someone who’s supposed to know me really well (we’ve been together over three years). It just baffles me because the accusation is always completely unfounded–like I seriously couldn’t be more neutral. Maybe it’s a “processing” face… Have any of you guys had this with a significant other?

Same here,, He always point out that I look pissed. That’s when I’d realize that maybe that’s the reason he was quiet. But there were times that it’s me who was bothered about his Resting Bitch Face.. And I tend to quietly figure out what I’ve done wrong :))

I guess I have a bitchy resting face. Smiling does not come naturally to me (I smile when I have something to smile about.) I probably don’t look particularly approachable to people. They may think I look angry or moody (which I sometimes am). It is very annoying to me when I am told to smile for a photo. I just don’t have it in me to crack a genuine smile spontaneously. It would be a fake smile for sure, and make me look demented. By the way, no one has ever come up to me and tell me to smile. If they did, they would not like my response.

Hi there Maria! Your words…then your eyes, mesmerized me. I think I must have to get to know you someday! I’m Tony, for real. Love how you expressed yourself and I had to reply.
Please consider emailing to say hi. I’m a genuine person like you.

B.t.w. with regards to the photo: Are you kidding? Is that your ‘resting bitch face’?
Perhaps it’s just me but I do not find it in any way attesting to what extroverted friends may ascribe to it.
Actually, it makes you look real, honest, thoughtful, caring and a little mysterious. But that might be my introverted mind’s bias ;).
To be honest I rarely feel deep connection and affection for people who smile all the time… it just feels artificial.

I’ve often had people think I was mad, sad, whatever when I was just in a neutral or even a positive mood. I suspect that this is very common for introverts. Interestingly, I also have seen pictures of myself where I even thought I looked mad but was not.

I think the answer to this is that people really can’t read faces as well as many believe. Even if facial expressions are recognized cross-culturally, and people see their own pictures and think they look mad, people really can’t use them to accurately tell a person’s state.

A poster on a forum I belong to said his wife referred to his default expression as a “perma-scowl” for those who want another term for it.

I don’t think the picture at the end of the article makes you look mad at all, to me you appear thoughtful or contemplative. Then again, it could be anything since I could be reading it incorrectly. I don’t see any tension which I think would exist for anger.

I can relate! Ever since RBF is my biggest problem, although that’s not a problem. People easily judge me, they think I don’t like them or I’m mean. Worst is they won’t talk to me because they think I don’t like them. It’s really hard to gain friends if you have a RBF, and my friends told me that “I thought you were mean/snob, but I’m wrong because you’re not.” Well we can’t explain to everyone that duh! It’s just our face, at least were fierce everyday! ?

This happens to me all the time. Recently I lost a job because of my RBF. One person thought I didn’t like her and that I was being rude and mean just because of the way my face looks. I told the boss that was not the case but he didn’t believe me. I just think it’s ridiculous that some people want us to pretend to be someone we aren’t…

Glad I saw this post. I’ve been going through this for years. It makes life a little more difficult but I am glad to see that I am not alone. People are always assuming the worst and even some times it has lead to drama. Cant please the peanut gallery…LOL

Sounds more like an excuse for purposefully saying something rudley that wasn’t rude and got caught. It’s how you say it, it’s obvious you know it by the way you structured your comment. For instance I can say: I bet your a real catch, a strong indepenant woman who don’t need no man. See I didn’t say anything rude either. It not your face it’s the content of your character, your very transparent.

When someone asks you to smile they don’t have any concern for you, they are just trying to get you to do something they say, most if not all suggestions are just variations of “because I said so”. It’s not complicated, most people are weak and need to gain power over others by any means, such as asking or telling them to do things, even smiling. Genuine concern for others is a fallacy.

Love this article! Just this morning I was standing in line waiting for my Starbucks coffee and a guy says, “You look mad!”. My reply: “Ummm I am not mad at all, that is just my facial expression when I am feeling out my surroundings, thinking, or am shy and don’t know anyone.” The issue with this it that I do not like having to explain my face. I am very friendly and a nice person, but if I do not know you, am concentrating or working, I just have a blank face and most people always assume I am not happy. Those are the people I’d rather not know. LOL I am so good with my circle of friends and family and if I want to get to know you I have no problem talking to you, so all in all these people can get over it. It’s kind of like when someone says this about a person that commits suicide. “She was always so happy and bubbly I had no clue she was depressed”. Smiling does not always mean you are happy and not smiling most of the time means just that, you aren’t smiling, nothing more and you are very secure and happy. Again great article Michaela!

Well im nearly 42 years of age. Ive lost count the number of times ive heard “whats wrong with you” “you ok” “mr negative” “mr grumpy”. Ive also lost count the number of times my bosses over the years have taken me into their office for a “2minute chat” all because i apparently dont look happy. Its safe to say after 20 odd years of working and receiving the same comments and being given the same lectures i am so paranoid and aware it has caused somewhat of a depression. I have been made to feel less normal than everyone else. Im pointed at anf singled out like im a problem. Yes ive snapped a few times. There is only so many times you can be insulted. Wtf cant people just leave me alone? What about the mental case the has the perma f**king smile, creepy b*st*rd. Question him for a change…..any way good article……for some though its more serious than just brushing it off.

Questions like …why are you so quiet, why don’t you ever smile, etc. etc.
are judgmental and passive aggressive and reflect the questioners inability
to be with their own feelings.
To these kinds of questions my current response which honestly reflects my
own feelings is “piss off, darling”

It was great to read all of these comments to know that I am not alone I’m 69 years old and through my entire life it has been the usual, “Why are you mad?” “Why don’t you smile?” “What’s wrong?”. I know that this has cost me jobs and has made people back away from me. It is very tough to deal with when people don’t like you for all the wrong reasons. It is almost like you have a disease and others are afraid of catching something. Even when you are happy and smiling people can complain that you don’t like something. Now, when you add age to a RBF, it is even worse. I wish I could help others with the same problem but I can’t even help myself.

I have 2 deep line between my brows that don’t go away even with botox. even when I am just sitting and not talking or thinking or whatever. God knows how many times i was told smile, do’nt be upset, are you okay,…??!!! I hate that. this is my big concern of my whole life.

I do have a “resting bitch face” and never realized it until someone said to me “are you mad at me?” I didn’t even know the person, she just assumed I was angry, I do have a serious look on my face when I am thinking about something or distracted. People sometimes take things too personally. I am nice but am a bit reserved with strangers.

This is literally the story of my life?i hate to say this but this has caused me not to have any friends at all…well maybe a crowd of one is all that i hang with,often are times when someone I finally get to talk to would make comments like”you always look soo serious hence unapproachable,are you going through some kind of depression or something?”and I’d be like damn man am not depressed and all that?this is just me,am 100%okay and depression free,I’ve tried changing this by frequently smiling but I realized that I would start looking like an idiot?so I got stack with being myself… but this article just made me realize that am
completely normal and am not alone?

its funny because before i found this article i didn’t realize something so stupid could be the reason why this one girl in my neighborhood calls me a loser despite me being 240 lbs of solid muscle and 3 times her size i can easily Mame her but since i’m a mature individual i don’t plus i don’t need the cops on my ass but every time i got outside and she sees me i hear the word “loser” come out of her mouth even when im on my drive way lifting 400 pounds and se passes by me i really get tempted to take her head off what should i do?

This article is everything I wanted to hear! Having just been told by the same person, in the same seminar at University, three times now in less than a week (TWICE in one one hour session…) I must say I feel pretty sh*t about it now. It even made me feel down!

OK fine, I have a resting bitch face, even my mum points it out, and some friends. But they know me, and they know I feel absolutely fine and I’m not moody most of the time. But if you’re going to point out my resting bitch face, it’ll only get worse, trust me. So it kind of angers me when the person in questions asks “Why are you always sad? Why are you upset?” in front of EVERYONE.

*Cue the whole class to turn around and stare at me*

Initially I felt really down and super embarrassed, I sank to my seat so quick before anyone saw my red face from embarrassment, potential risk of crying, and also anger.

Plus, why me? Plenty of other people who have a resting bitch face 24/7.

I walked away from the class at the end and tried to forget about it. My good friend brought it up afterwards and I initially got so angry. We both agreed that it should be none of their business, and she shouldn’t make me feel so awkward in from of the entire class. I personally think it’s offensive. Fine say it once, don’t say it again in less than a week, and most definitely not again after 45 minutes!!!!!

Sorry love, I can’t help my face, I was born with it and it’s going to be how it’s going to be. With that being said, I won’t be walking into your class next week grinning like a Cheshire Cat.

I’m sorry if anyone doesn’t agree with me here, but I can be an emotional and sensitive person, so I just wanted to get it out there and see if anyone else agrees with how I feel.

“Initially I felt really down and super embarrassed, I sank to my seat so quick before anyone saw my red face from embarrassment, potential risk of crying, and also anger.”

This is SOOOOOOO relateable. I’m working in sales so people always say that smiling is very important. While working, I got called out by my boss for my ‘resting face’ (i wonder why he didn’t say ‘resting bitch face’ instead). He pulled my colleague and I to the side, and said that my colleague will be helping him to observe me, to make sure that I smile, and if I don’t, that colleague will come to nudge me to smile.

This created SOOOOOOOOOOOO much stress for me. When he told me that at first, I really felt like crying. Not sure is it because I’m naturally an easily stressed and sensitive person (I’m currently having regular visits to my counsellor) or just that I’m just too weak-minded. It’s really difficult for myself to smile, because I never had a nice smile. In fact, it made me remember the time a few years back, when I was out with my friends and after taking pictures, one of my friends were lamenting about my smile, and it’s easy to interpret that she meant that my smile spoilt the whole picture. Since then, I have been really conscious about my smile, and went to do braces in hopes to correct it. Braces journey will end soon, but my smile is still as awkward as ever.

So yes, I tried to force a smile for a few minutes and it was really emotionally draining. I never thought that smiling can be so draining – it makes me feel like breaking down instead.

I have a resting bitch face. I live in south Africa and when I’m in a big city everyone is fine with it but in small towns people feel concerned because most who live in small towns and villages go around greeting everyone they see. Which is annoying for me. My experience with it my whole life has been people trying really hard to make me laugh after meeting me which can get annoying if the other person is not really funny… I suspect I would get more harsh treatment if I was less weathly or less physically attractive.

The most annoying thing is when they get all intimidated. I can’t stand it when people get intimidated before even speaking to me. My friends luckily never judge me and honestly don’t pay attention to my face but literally everyone else does. I’ve tried changing it but I can’t do much about the frown. And honestly it’s not even that bad. I come home everyday totally sucked out of energy because how taxing it is to exaggerate every expression I make just to try to fit in. It occasionally works but more often it just ends up with them sort of shunning me and pretending I’m not there. So if one decides to act smart and ask me what’s wrong…it just takes a lot of willpower to not sock him across the face. But that’s the society we live in I guess. Wahoo.

I am Kenyan..I have a RBF since I was little,my smile comes naturally I can’t fake it and I can’t dare fake it it’s waste of time…people have called me intimidating, angry,others telling me to smile, ….This is real me and nothing can change that and by the way I love my RBF….

Like you, I am often mistaken. What you have written resonate with me. I ever tried to smile to people and some comments I got was “Are you flirting with this or that person”
I gave up, just be myself. People who know you will know who you are. Thank you for sharing this article.

I used to get this all the time in elementary school. Come high school, no one bothered because I pretty much isolated myself from everyone.
I could not smile because if I tried to, my smile would break down into tears, so I froze it because I did not want to cry in front of anyone. I was raised in an abusive home, and telling me to smile is not a sure fired way to make me a happy child. I was “Rock face, Stone face,” etc.

Now I am used to not grinning, (cause that is what it would be) but not because I am not depressed anymore, it is because I think of the more serious things of this world from our present day political climate to the mysteries of Antarctica. So when someone asks my Stone, Resting bitch Face to smile, I wonder why they think they have a right to intrude upon my thoughts for no valid reason. They should take their insecure A** and park it on a hot fire place.