There’s a
reason why when insurance policies use the phrase “acts of God”
they’re not referring to your falling in love or finding a winning
lottery ticket in the street. They’re talking about tragedies,
like an earthquake, monsoon, or new Rob Schneider movie.

Politics is no fun in this country, not for the politicians
and certainly not for those of us who have to live with the
consequences of what they do. Or don’t do as the case may be. The
only ones who truly enjoy politics are Jay Leno, David Letterman,
and Bill Maher, because if it wasn’t for politics they’d be
saying “Do you want fries with that?” instead of “Hey, how
about that Dubya?”.

The problem is politicians
aren’t having a good time. If they were they’d be in a better
mood and wouldn’t spend their waking hours passing legislation to
make sure we’re as miserable as they are. But like a guy who
doesn’t put the toilet seat down when he’s finished, politicians
can change. Okay, like some guys. A few. Okay, a couple.

The first thing they need
to do is make laws more positive. Instead of everything being “you
can’t do this” and “you must do that”, they need to stop
passing laws and start passing suggestions. Most people don’t like
being told what they can and can’t do; they respond better to
gentle hints. It’s subliminal, much the same way showing short
clips of dancing popcorn boxes in the movie theater makes you want
to sign up for salsa lessons.

Sure they’re just
following in God’s footsteps, what with all his thou shalt
not’s, but he’s not exactly the best role model around.
After all, anyone who would unleash devastating floods, plagues,
wars, and AIDS isn’t exactly someone I’d want my children to
emulate. Come to think of it, he makes Hitler look like Mother
Theresa. There’s a reason why when insurance policies use the
phrase “acts of God” they’re not referring to your falling in
love or finding a winning lottery ticket in the street. They’re
talking about tragedies, like an earthquake, monsoon, or new Rob
Schneider movie.

It’s
possible they have so few bills in England because their country has
been around so much longer than ours, meaning they have many more
laws and can’t think of anything else to legislate. Or perhaps
they’re too busy powdering their wigs to bother.

Second, politicians need to learn to have fun. If they were
in a better mood they’d pass better laws. Or at least fewer of
them, which is the same thing. You can’t blame them for being
grumpy. After all, day in and day out they sit in stuffy buildings
which look like big granite mausoleums. This is far from inspiring.
If they’d hire the new-and-out-of-the-movie-theater Pee Wee Herman
to be the interior decorator of the Capitol I guarantee they’d
have more fun. Not to mention that C-SPAN’s ratings would go
through the roof. And once they got Toys-R-Us, Mattel, and E*A*R
Earplugs to sponsor the broadcast, they’d be able to pay off the
national debt and give us a tax refund without any of that icky
old-fashioned bipartisan debate stuff.

They also need to cut down
on their workload. A while back there was an uproar when they
suddenly realized that—gasp!—there was a wide gap between those
in this country who could afford computers and those who couldn’t.
Thus they did what they do best: they introduced 50 bills and
provisions to fix the disparity. Is it any wonder the Senate’s
official motto is: “Quantity is Job One”?

Contrast this with England,
where in the last session of Parliament prime minister Tony Blair
proposed a measly 15 bills. For the whole session. Even for Jolly
Olde England this was a pittance, since the year before they had to
deal with a whopping 28 of them. And somehow lived to talk about it.

It’s possible they have
so few bills because their country has been around so much longer
than ours, meaning they have many more laws and can’t think of
anything else to legislate. Or perhaps they’re too busy powdering
their wigs to bother with silly legislation. But chances are
they’re spending so much time searching for any vestiges of the
empire that they just don’t have the energy.

In Jordan, two members of Parliament recently exchanged
heated words on the floor, got into a fistfight, and one got so
excited he thought he was Mohammed Tyson, biting off part of his
colleague’s ear.

American politicians not only need to do less, they need to
stop being so damned nice. In Congress they refer to each other as
“the respected gentleman from North Carolina” and “my esteemed
colleague who I’m pretending to like.” This leaves no room for
passion.

There used to be fiery
debates in Congress, at least if you can believe the history books
and movies, and if you can’t believe them who can you believe? Now
they’re all so politically correct and working so hard to make
sure they don’t offend anyone—most of all a lobbying group that
happens to have oodles of money sitting around getting
mildewed—that the legislative sessions have all the passion and
excitability of my grandmother’s mah jong game. And she’s been
dead for years.

It’s not like this in
other countries. In Japan they have periodic fistfights in the Diet.
In England not long ago the deputy prime minister punched out a
protestor who threw an egg at him. And in Jordan, two members of
Parliament recently exchanged heated words on the floor, got into a
fistfight, and one got so excited he thought he was Mohammed Tyson,
biting off part of his colleague’s ear and forgetting to quote
Mark Antony’s “lend me your ear” speech in the process, which
will probably cost him the next election.

It’s time we all sent a
message to our politicians: Think positive, have fun, work less, and
get some passion back in your job. Hey, it beats saying “Do you
want fries with that?”, doesn’t it?