Tag Archives: monsters

I love it when I’m pleasantly surprised. I knew very little of this film going into it. I thought maybe it was just a standard horror flick that husband/wife duo John Krakinski and Emily Blunt whipped out but it’s anything but standard. In fact, in this day of sequels, prequels and originals, you’ll want to scream for joy at this original idea.

But don’t. Don’t make a sound. You see, the world has been conquered by mysterious, scary creatures who, if you make a noise, will pop out of nowhere and eat you. The population has been decimated and survivors live very quiet lives. They make a modest amount of noise by walking around but other than that, no talking, no singing, no music and the slightest accident, i.e. knocking a plate onto the floor, can prove fatal.

There are exceptions to the “Be Quiet” rule. There are places, circumstances, etc. where talking can happen but for the most part, the characters rely on sign language, subtitles and facial expressions to tell the story. It’s impressive that the actors are able to get so much across by utilizing so little. From a writing standpoint, it’s an exercise in “show, don’t tell” because all the characters can do is show. They can’t tell.

Challenges abound. Not to get too deep into it but daughter Regan (Millicent Simmonds) is deaf and lives in a world where there isn’t a place that will fix her broken hearing aid. Just as in zombie apocalypse times, empty shops and ghost towns abound, and the Abbott family must get by through their wits and occasional scavenging.

Further, they engage in a variety of clever ways to go about their daily routine, figuring out how to get through their days as quietly as possible (an expected baby poses a significant challenge as we all know what babies love to do.)

The job of a professional badass is never done and today I’m in Scotland, investigating rumors that the Loch Ness monster was not only seen, but she was seen using a hula hoop, playing a saxophone and ingesting large amounts of a white, powdery substance. I’m going to assume it as pixy stix dust and not, well, you know, cocaine. It’s been my experience that monsters really love cocaine though so you never know.

3.5 readers, I have to let you in on a piece of information that’s well known to the monster fighting community but is a virtual secret to the general public.

Goblins are chronic masterbaters. Seriously, they are never NOT tossing the monkey, slapping the salami, bopping the baloney or what have you.

You know what’s worse? They have these bright yellow, beady little eyes and while you’re trying to sleep, they just stare at you and fap, fap, fap away, tugging at their tiny, syphillis ridden goblin dongers. Their faces are usually like, one to two inches away from yours.

You ask them to move, they just sort of go, “Ungh” and then fap faster. And there’s never a release. Like, what’s the point?

I know. Disgusting. I’m telling you this because I’m currently babysitting and/or protecting one such masterbating goblin. Why would I want to do that? I really don’t want to, but he’s a witness in a case being brought in an underground world. He saw one masterbating goblin murder another masterbating goblin. The masterbating goblin mafia was involved.

You know what? I’ve said too much. Long story short, the Council of Masterbating Goblin Justice asked me to protect the little guy until he can give his testimony…while masterbating.

Oddly enough, I’m honored to have been asked…though I really wish the little guy would stop masterbating…and also to stop staring at me with his face an inch away from mine.

Did I mention that if you do eventually succumb to exhaustion and fall asleep, the little asshole will start licking your toes? Last night I feel asleep and when I woke up, my toes were like prunes…covered in spit.

God, I hope that was only spit. I might have to double check and make sure they don’t release. Stupid masterbating goblins.

Hey reader, this is the worst segway ever, but while I’m busy keeping an eye on this masterbating goblin, keep yourself entertained by checking out my movie reviews. I watch more movies than I read books. Ironically, I should have named myself “Moviescreen Q. Watcher” but I don’t have the energy to change my name now.

3.5 readers, it isn’t easy being BQB. I have to murder vampires, zombies, werewolves, all of that.

But I must all destroy the lesser known freaks, like chupacabras. Yes, chupacabras. Have you heard of them? Maybe yes, maybe no.

They aren’t as popular. They literally suck the skin off goats, so you know, there’s not going to be a Twilight for chupacabras. No one’s writing a chupacabra love story. I mean, I could, because I’m that good a writer (and humble) but I’m busy.

Look, you don’t need the details. Suffice to say, an evil warlock has threatened to magically turn the wife of every man in the greater Tri-state area into a clone of Sarah Jessica Parker.

Now, yeah, I’ll admit, for some dudes with hideous wives, that’ll be an improvement. Plus, you might be like, “SJP is hot!” and like yeah, if you look at her from one angle, I’ll give you that, but then if you look at her from another angle, she’s got a horse face. Like, she looks like a horse lady. Like, I wouldn’t know whether to kiss or click my tongue three times and give her an apple and brush her coat. It’s confusing. Men don’t need that problem.

So, fear not. I will murder 1,000 chupacabras and then the warlock will be on his way.

While you’re waiting for me to finish besting this goat suckers, why not read some of Search Engine Optimized Poet’s SEO Optimized Poetry? Full of buzz words that are sure to rack up the clicks!

Did you all hear about this? I did not until I caught the Mummy today. Check out my review if you haven’t already.

Apparently, Universal is trying to bring its treasure trove of monster flicks back into the modern age, kicking it off with “The Mummy” with Dracula, Frankenstein, Creature from the Black Lagoon, Bride of Frankenstein, Phantom of the Opera, the Wolfman and so on to come later.

One can only assume they’re trying to compete with Disney’s Marvel universe and Warner Brothers attempt to recreate the Disney/Marvel success with their Justice League films.

Do you think “Dark Universe” will be a hit for Universal? Will other studios try to cash in on the expanded universe phenomenon?

My one caveat might be that while Marvel and DC appeal to kids, i.e., the viewers that will most likely nag their parents into buying Marvel and DC merchandise, I’m not sure there’s a huge market for a Mummy lunch box. Then again, maybe Universal can pave the way for cinematic universe films for a more sophisticated audience. The Mummy was actually a good, solid first installment. It didn’t knock my socks off but it didn’t disappoint me either. It left me curious as to what Universal has in store for us next.

You all know that I’m a champion yeti fighter, but did you also know that I am an accomplished shark face puncher?

There’s nothing quite like it really. Very exhilarating.

Every morning I wake up and before I shower or shave or even have a cup of coffee, I leave BQB HQ, swim out into the middle of East Random Lake (East Random Town’s largest body of water) and I punch anywhere between five and seven sharks right in the face.

I’d recommend it, but I can’t, because my attorney advises me not to, you know, because of the 101% virtual certainty that this activity will lead to you being eaten by a shark and being turned into shark poop.

So you know what? Don’t punch a shark in the face. Just live vicariously through me, knowing that I’m starting my days by punching many sharks in their respective faces.

Look, I’m putting myself at great personal risk by even telling you this. Sharks have Internet. You think they don’t because they’re underwater but they do. They eat like a hundred people a day so if you do the math, that means they have thousands and thousands of cell phones.

And because the owners of those phones have been turned into shark poop, the sharks are able to use their phones and not pay any Wi-Fi bills until the owners’ plans run out.

I know I only get 3.5 readers but you never know, a shark could see that I am bragging about punching them in their stupid faces and they could get mad and have themselves shipped into big water tanks all the way to BQB HQ for the sole purpose of eating me and turning me into shark poop.

Do you know how hard it would be for me to blog as a BQB shaped piece of poop?

It would not be easy, let me tell you.

So anyway. That’s how I start every day, 3.5 readers.

How do you start your days? (Again, hopefully not by punching sharks. Leave that to a professional, like yours truly. This blog and its proprietor will not be held liable if you try to punch and/or do anything with or go anywhere near a damn shark).

But seriously, what normal, non-shark punching related things do you do to start your day?

You know, 3.5 readers. I have fought many monsters in my day. At some point, I shall have to delve deeper into this subject, for it isn’t often that a monster fighter of my expertise and acumen is willing to talk to the public, even if his public consists of a paltry sum of 3.5 readers.

At any rate, yes, I speak mostly about my archenemy, The Yeti, and also zombies as these foes have given me the most trouble as of late, but in truth, I have fought many gremlins.

Let me tell you. These guys are total butt monkeys. They’re much smaller than as portrayed in the infamous 1980s movie. Also, they’re very profane. They swear like sailors, consume copious amount of alcohol and I’m pretty sure I caught one of them snorting a line of coke once.

I’m not entirely sure but I stepped out of the bathroom one night to find this little schmuck on top of my coffee table, white powder all over the table, a rolled up dollar bill pointed between the substance and his nose. The dollar bill was taller than he was.

They’re nasty little twerps, let me tell you. They have sharp teeth so you don’t want to get your fingers anywhere near them. The good news is that you can easily suck them up in your dust buster. In fact, if you want to be humane and do a catch and release, you can suck them up in your dust buster, then drive to a wooded area and empty your dust buster’s dust bin.

Personally, I don’t have time for that shit so I just drop them in the toilet and flush. Don’t worry. They can breathe underwater…I think. Actually, now that I think of it, I might have made that up. Oh well. The important part is that I am not inconvenienced.

So, as you know, back in the day I was one half of the rap duo known as The Funky Hunks. My partner MC Plotz and I were a hit with the late 1990s/early 2000s soccer moms what with our squeaky clean lyrics.

Anyway. Without further ado, I present to you the debut of the new hit single, sure to take the hip hop world by storm and it’s so good that it may even unite East and West Coast rappers together in a new era of peace, love and understanding: Droppin’ Monsters.

DROPPIN’ MONSTERS (A Bookshelf Q. Battle Rap)

Lyrics by: Bookshelf Q. Battler

Beats Dropped and Rhymes Rapped by I_Will_Rap

Yo. 2017. Time to make the green.
Bookshelf Q. Battler droppin monsters like a bad habit.
Let’s do this thing. Time to get paid, ya dig?

You roll up to your crib and there’s a vampire inside.
Call on BQB to do the wooden stake slide.
But oh my god a zombie wants my brains!
Better get BQB to make it rain the pain.
What’s that in my yard? A chupacabra goat sucker?
BQB grab your nine, pop a cap in that mother (bleep).

When it comes to fighting evil, BQB is the best.
Forces of darkness don’t even try it, this is a nerd you do not want to test.

East Randomtown is the dope ass hood where this bespectacled pimp resides.
He’s chillin in his headquarters, the fly ass hunnies won’t be denied.
BQB is a badass monster hunter, you know that is a fact.
So if you’re a demon straight outta hell, he’ll put you on your back.

One day while BQB was writing,
On his blog called bookshelfbattle.com
There was a sound that was oh so frightening
So he said, “what’s going on?”
He ran downstairs to his living room and what oh what did he see?
A fat ass yeti sitting on his couch, eating his food and watching TV.

“I live in your house forever now,” the Yeti said.
“I’m taking over this fabulous place.”
But that idea filled BQB with dread
So he round house kicked the Yeti right in the face.

Yeah, BQB is droppin monsters.
Ghosts and goblins and werewolves too.
That nerd is gonna do a drive by.
On anything that dares to shout, “boo!”

But when BQB’s not dropping a monstrous reprobate,
He’s writing a dope ass story.
He’s gonna save the world from the Mighty Potentate,
And get his ass some glory.

So don’t forget to check bookshelfbattle.com
For news of BQB’s daring do.
And if you are a monster,
BQB is coming for you.

Damn. That was some sweet ass shit.
3.5 readers my ass. Bookshelf Q. Battler should have all the (bleep) readers.

Anne Hathaway is upset that a giant monster has started destroying the city. After awhile, she realizes, for some bizarre, unexplained reason, that the monster mimics her movements and is essentially under her control.