He had chiseled facial features, he displayed physical dominance over every living thing, experienced one moment of self-doubt before the final battle, possessed more intuition than the oracle whose intuition he was to depend on, screwed an un-screwable woman while poisoned & subsequently bragged about it, and he began his journey under the tutelage of an old sage named Old Man… who would enlighten the youngster as he practiced attacking things… as budding Gods do.

If you hadn’t noticed, Immortals was produced by the same producers of the movie 300. So, yes, the movie was visually stunning. Like 300, Immortals was filmed primarily in Sepia. Nobody knows why, but the 300 production team clearly has an affinity for both warfare and old-fashioned photographs.

I almost forgot to mention their obsession with masks.

Hypothetical pitch meeting:

Producer: “We’re doing another war film, it’ll be shot in Sepia again. It’ll be a historical hodgepodge, but what should the focus be?”

Head Writer: “I’m not entirely sure, but it would probably involve evil masks. The Medieval Jabawockee look worked well in 300”

Producer: “but we’ve already done that…”

Head Writer: “And people loved it.”

Producer: “………….. I like it”

Embarrassing resemblance.

Mickey Rourke (King Hyperion) plays a convincing menace, but dressing him as a Venus Flytrap diminished the villainy.

He looked like a Pokemon, which would have been genius if it were intentional.

For this overly masculine-a-movie, you would not expect for there to be so many wardrobe changes. Madonna during concert? Yes. Mickey Rourke? No. Immortals definitely had some Metrosexual Man-vogue going on, but that made it interesting.

See? King Hyperion is part Venus Flytrap, part Pokemon, and part Jabawockee. A hodgepodge of hilarity. Immortals was as unintentionally funny as it was ultra-violent and action-packed.

For instance:

The Athenian Army of 57 men faced off against King Hyperion’s army of what appeared to be 2,000,000. No big deal. Clever camera angles & film editing killed maybe 1,999,877 of them itself, leveling the playing field.

The Braveheart moment fell flat on its face. With the sudden & synchronized clanking of their armor, it turned into an Under Armor commercial. They must protect this house.

Hyperion signals for his men to charge, the Athenian Army lost all desire to fight, Theseus spoke to them, they ignored 89% of his speech, & they instantly regained the courage to fight an army that initially outnumbered them 40,000 to 1. And the rest is history….fabricated, history.

Here’s an example of how pivotal the Theseus Fog of War speech was:

Soldier: “Who are you to tell us what to do!!?”

Theseus: “I am no one to tell you what to do, I am Theseus”

Now that, is leadership.

In nearly every meeting hosted by King Hyperion, he arbitrarily killed one of his henchman for being the bearer of good news, bad news, or just news. He doesn’t like news.

Too many cuts to the Barbeque Bull. Ok, we get it, being inside of that thing sucks.

The Eagle in the movie wasn’t a symbol, it wasn’t paying homage to Falconry, the screeching Eagle shot was just there.. the entire film. Subliminal American Eagle product placement?

The preferred attack of choice was to the throat or to the inner-thigh. It was odd. Observe how many people fell prey to a well-executed throat or inner-thigh attack… In Immortals, a well-placed lower-inner-thigh attack was like a Halo head-shot. “Lost, the lead. Gained, the lead”

There was an extravagant display of God-on-God violence, when Zeus slayed the disobedient Ares with an Inferno Whip. This made Theseus a believer. Sorry, zealots. He saw actual Gods, & they yelled at him. I’d be convinced too.

Athena played Mystique, from X-Men, in her first scene with Zeus. Be yourself, Athena.

To appease a mortal movie audience, they employed Spartacus: Blood and Sand-esque slow-motion fight scenes to simulate how fast Gods are, and how slow we are.

The film makers poked fun of Greece being the supposed origin of civilization, democracy, & their obsession with diplomacy with this scene:

Greek King: “Let us negotiate”

Hyperion: *Head Chop*

Greek King: “………………………….”

I strongly urge that you watch Immortals. If not for the comedic fodder, then to nourish your primitive affinity for combat. Or, in this case, Immortal Kombat.

Hello, everyone! Hopefully everyone had a wonderful weekend, I probably got judged the entire length of mine, and I’m ok with that. We had so much fun, people and I. They were good judgements, though, I’m sure. Judgement gets a bad (w)rap, and it shouldn’t, because a judgement is a split-second impulse that the human brain must undergo to, well, keep you alive.

Last Thursday, I was named a writer/contributor at Technorati and my first article was published today…that should’ve gotten published on Friday…but I submitted as a draft, to drafts, and not to any editor in particular. Enjoy the article and pass it along, and feel free to leave comments here.

Oh, and before I leave this blog post, you can follow me on Twitter: @ironsheek

Person: What do you mean? I’m just hanging out, you know, killing time.

Me: Right. Right, you mentioned that… I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure that time is one of the only things you can’t kill.

Person: Come’on, man. It’s just a figure of speech.

Me: I understand, but why? It makes no sense, like when people use the word literally, figuratively. You see? We should question things, because only then, will we find answers. People who believe that they can kill time, should be arrested for even trying. The only feasible attempt at murdering time, would be by taking a hammer to a watch.

Person: I’m sorry that I even mentioned it.

Me: Don’t be. There’s just this, um, universal law… it states that time is immune to idiots who think that they they can, in fact, kill it. I’m just passing a message along.

Please, share.

Like this:

Life can be your playground, if you understand that it’s a game. A game is something that you play, to win or to lose. You must be aware of the game and its set of rules if you are to play effectively. Either you play the game, or you may fall prey to the players that are playing the game. Cue “The Game” by Motorhead

Life can become your prison, if you do not have a plan for it. The plan does not have to be concrete, but you must actively seek out opportunity and execute a means by which to pursue it. If nothing becomes of that opportunity, another one will. Why? Because you’re playing the game. You are rewarded accordingly. Don’t waste any time, maximize it! Your life is simply a loan for a project. Guess what happens when you’re given a loan? You’re expected, well, you’re not immortal, you have to pay it back whether you’ve effectively engaged fruitful endeavor or not.

When life reclaims what it has allowed you to borrow, how far along will your project be? What will it look like? Will it be vivid or appealing? Did you use every Simoleon —Oh yea, a Sim‘s Reference– on your project, while others could’ve used a hand? Did you fixate on everyone else’s project while your project gathered dust? You must strike a clever balance.

Life doesn’t require you, but you were given it anyhow, and that is why it is precious. I am @ironsheek