Respect Your Elders

No matter what your age, it's never too late to make a difference.

As anyone who lives in a major city knows, the most frustrating drivers, the ones that cause the most even-tempered of us to lose control, are not the speed racers. Although they may be more dangerous (I don't know the statistics), the ones that put us over the edge are the cars crawling along, seemingly sight-seeing or lost or just enjoying the pace. And inevitably the driver of said vehicle is not an inexperienced teenager (if only!) but a white haired, steering wheel clutching, senior citizen.

Grateful to have kept my hand off the horn and my big mouth shut, I try to think that it could be me. In fact, please God, someday I hope it will be. And not only would it be poor character to shout, but it demonstrates such a clear lack of respect. Through years and experience, the elderly are frequently wise and worthy of our admiration. Especially when they make impressive choices about how to live the "rest of their lives." (If a new soap is started, I claim the copyright!)

In this country, the aging are frequently seen as drains on Social Security and the Medicare System. Or, in a slightly more positive light, as permanent fixtures on the grassy greens of our numerous golf courses. Are these the only two options? A retirement spent discussing physical ailments and haunting dingy bingo halls or a retirement spend frittering away the time on recreation? Club Med goes senior...

As we live longer, some wise folk are reevaluating their opportunities. Complete retirement can be a drag, the days long and meaningless, spouses getting on each other's nerves. The "grass is not always greener" (whatever course you play at).

Some of the particularly astute have decided to involve themselves in the most productive activity of all: giving back. They recognize that they have something valuable to offer (false humility is a trap, not a virtue) and they want to share it. And they know, as we are sometimes slow to learn, that the giver is always the greatest recipient.

In these acts of giving, they probably add more years to their own lives than any round the world cruise possibly could.

At an age where their contemporaries are giving up or checking out, some unique individuals are channeling their energy and experience in more meaningful directions.

Instead of writing off our senior citizens, we should be focused on learning from them, and emulating their actions.

From the grandparents in our neighborhood who are reading to disadvantaged children at the local library, to Herbert Stutz who is sponsoring and developing programs to help working parents keep their children off the street, the "elderly" are giving back in droves. And teaching all of us something about the key to longevity and its opportunity.

Instead of writing off our senior citizens, we should be focused on learning from them, and emulating their actions. When I think about what I'd like to do in my older years (besides finally stop worrying about my weight), I know that I hope to be involved in meaningful activities, and to be treated with respect -- not contempt.

While it's appropriate (and rare) to respect all elders, those who are actively involved in giving back to the community are the real role models. They make it seem easy. And obvious.

I remember hearing of a woman in her 70s with grandchildren all over the U.S. who went to Chile to reach out to the Jewish population there. "Mom," said her daughter, "don't you want to spend time with your grandchildren?" "Of course I do" she replied. "But there's work to be done. You can't just sit back." And she didn't even know Spanish!

This is a world of working and striving. It is not a world of relaxation (except briefly) and certainly not of retirement -- unless it means shifting gears. And although that may shatter some dreams (Pebble Beach I hardly knew ya), it is actually more fun and more life-enhancing to care for others than to indulge oneself.

We all need a break and some pampering once in a while, but it should be an unusual occasion, not a lifestyle.

The Wall Street Journal profiled a number of elderly people and what they are in the midst of doing, including Robert Chambers (he founded a company that steers low-income people to buying new, base-model cars at prices and on loan terms equal to those obtained by people with more negotiating savvy and solid credit), Martha Franck Rollins (she started a program to rehabilitate former prison inmates and expanded her job-training programs to include the downtrodden of the Richmond, VA area), Bernard Flynn (he helped start River Partners, a non-profit committed to river restoration in California) and Herbert Stutz (who in addition to his school projects, created ReServe to place restless retirees in part-time positions with social services and government bodies that need qualified employees but are on a tight budget). Each person is creative and unique. It made me feel that I could do more. It made me hopeful for the future and it made me feel sad for those who have stopped trying, stopped thinking, stopped making a difference.

It's never too late to make a difference. And we shouldn't let any person (family members or otherwise), any billboards or advertising campaigns or blockbuster movies tell us otherwise.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 7

(6)
Anonymous,
August 13, 2008 12:19 PM

Whatever happened to seen and not heard! Kids don't respect their elders nowadays!

pallavi,
November 30, 2011 6:12 PM

sfsf

you might not be respecting them. we all respect elders.

(5)
JulieAgee,
November 30, 2006 7:50 AM

Thanks for the article on this subject. People of any age need to stay productive and contributory to the betterment of this world. Respect to the elderly should be revived in the school systems.

(4)
Annie,
November 29, 2006 9:35 PM

Slow drivers are as dangerous as fast ones

There is nothing more irritating than someone going HALF the speed limit on a motorway with a queue of people behind that stretches just about back to the previous town. I believe that these slow drivers cause as many crashes as speeders, like when someone HAS to pass if they need to get to the airport or whatever. Or when a slow driver ambles out across the road without looking so that you have to go into the ditch to avoid them !

As for the story about the rabbi & the 9 children; where's the virtue in looking after your own children ? Any more than I am virtuous for cleaning my own house. I can't see why someone expects praise for looking after children that they freely chose to have. I have heard so many variations on this one, and they are all equally annoying. There'd be a lot more merit in keeping 9 orphans.

(3)
michaelguterman,
November 29, 2006 7:53 PM

retirement is death

i believe that the elderly have alot of time on theirhands. they should spend some time training disadvantaged people in trades that would make people employable in different trades. that satisfaction would go a long way.also it would create respect for themselves

(2)
Renana,
November 29, 2006 7:04 AM

I agree, but whats wrong with caring for your own family?

I agree with everything you wrote, except for the grandmother in Chile, has she not got her priorities wrong? shouldn't she visit her own grandchildren? As a grandchild and a mother of a small boy, I know that my grandmother gave me warmth that I cherish with me every day of my life and I can see the warmth my son is getting from his own grandparents (as well as from us, his parents).

It reminds me of the story of the Rabbi who was speaking to the public about equality of women and was asked what his wife did for a living and he said that she looked after 9 or so kids and she runs a home for them, she cooks for them and she helps them etc and without her they would have no place to live... and everyone clapped... and then he added that those were her own children. Shouldn't we show more appreciation to parents and grandparents who put their own family first?

(1)
Gisele,
November 26, 2006 1:36 PM

I work with Seniors and they are Great!

As a Geriatric Social Worker, I truly love working with My Senior Citizens. I learn a great deal about life from them, and they in term learn a great deal about the Subject Matters that I discuss with them during our Lecture Groups at the various senior centers that I work in. While this type of work pays money wise very little- the rewards that I receive in this line of work, make up more for it. I do wish that this message would make an impact on those feeible minded people in my life who think I am wasting my life working with Elders- because I am not making the big bucks from this line of work! I find that my seniors respect me, and I respect them at great deal. And nothing beats the feeling I get when my seniors thank me for a lovely, and inspiring discussion group,and that I truly brightened their day! Also this great seniors have been always nice to my son- who does not always get this devotion from his grandparents- who are hardlly ever there for him, and that is not due to distance, but a lack of caring. The seniors treat my son more like a surrogate grandson-than his own flesh and blood grandparents who neglect him daily. It is from my seniors that my son has the few times he saw me working with them, learned "the value of respecting his elders", certainly not from his grandparents.If we want kids to respect elders- put them in settings of interacting with them, and is there they will learn this important value. I did volunteer work in nursing homes as a kid, and it is there and from having my late grandma live with my family that I developed my skill for my profession, Baruch Hashem.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!