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Thursday, May 2, 2013

Some days I just hate you: Mommy needs a time out!

So if you haven't noticed I'm a little stressed and more high strung than normal. It's kind of one of those times I need the woman on a warpath sign hanging around my neck. Should I start with the what or why I hate you all.

Every grand wonderful and not so smart decision I have made in life comes with a consequence. I am an adult; I do know this; however, it's not going to stop my adult temper tantrum. Getting our dream house a few months earlier (financially but way later for other reasons) has had to come with a few sacrfices. Yes, I understood that but we felt we needed to jump on this opportunity for our family. We sold our truck and bought in its place Ruby, a large pile of shit metal that at one time was considered a car. It does take gas after you pry the gas door open with a screw driver. It does have a sunroof but who really needs that when your windows fall down constantly or have to be duck taped to stay up. It has a trunk but don't put anything valuable in it because it will just randomly open on its own accord and then you have to slam it, SLAM IT, multiple times to get it to close. Ruby has managed to get Nate from point A to point B for the last five months but the girl is on her last leg. It's just a matter of time before Nate's calling me to come pick him up off the side of the road. So even though we have two cars technically, we've been trying to ride together as much as possible. But three days a week I get out of work at 2:30 and he doesn't get out until five or sometimes even later! So the Ang bomb, even though it's really not my husband's fault, has just slowly been building up pent up anger the last few weeks.

The other two days a week, I work until 4:30 with a special after school program because buying the house kind of put a damper on that summer savings account. And it's not even the working after school part that annoys me; it's the leaving at 630 and not getting home until almost 630 every day that is contributing to the anger bomb. Kenzi goes to bed at 8. It's walk in the door, dinner, clean up, baths, bedtimes! I hate it. I want time to hang out and play with my kids, not come home and shove them off to bed. The weekend comes and because I have no time during the week what use to take me a half to 3/4 of a Saturday to take care of household chores and errands is taking me almost all weekend now. I'm spending any spare time I have looking for summer work because we still want a little more money to survive those two months with no paycheck so I'm using what little spare time I have for that and of course stressing out about it. Then do I even start on work. It has just been so morally defeating this year I don't even want to talk about. It's time for a change but I'll just leave it at that for now. So yeah I hate you all right now.

I hate you my stay at home mom friends because you were brave enough to take the financial risk to do something I want! I hate you facebook moms that make your life sound all peachy and perfect because mine is too I just share the reality of motherhood stress that you hide so well (how do you do that?) I hate you people that have time to work out because even though I have somehow managed to go to the gym again twice a week, I think that's more for my sanity than any hope of losing weight. (On second thought, maybe it's not helping my sanity and I know always wanting chocolate doesn't help). I hate you my babysitter because you see my kids more than me for five days out of seven (even though your pep talks are my salvation sometimes). I hate my boss because she has the patience of a damn saint and I won't ever find another I respect as much as her so I drag my feet about making a job/career change. I hate you young teachers who have so much energy and positivity about teaching because I hate that this year has taken such a negative toll on mine.

I struggle often with how to manage my time now that I have children. It is a really hard balance. Maybe it's hard because I really care about getting it right. Family has always been number 1 for me. It's been that way even before I had kids and even after I choose to live half a country away from mine. I'm poor partially because I insisted on traveling back there two to three times a year to see them and because I like to spend money too. I know sometimes I get swept away in the daily grind, the demands of work and money, and I can always see when I have to step back to reevaluate and reassess.

So I gave myself a timeout today. I took the day off and stayed home with my kids. So yes, maybe in some ways I'm selfish because I desperately mentally needed this, but other people are stuck picking up my slack at work. But I cuddled and played peek a boo in bed with my girls this morning, we painted (okay I graded papers), we took a walk and picked flowers, Ave and I had a picnic lunch on the deck until the bees scared her off, and now it's naptime so we still have the rest of the afternoon. So now you can all hate me. I feel better now though so I hope we can all be friends again.

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