Torah with Morrie #7: Limiting Self-Pity

Living with joy despite our setbacks and travails.

"Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also with the overcoming of it." -- Helen Keller, Optimism

We all face numerous types of aches and pains in life. Physical suffering, emotional turmoil, financial troubles, relationships gone sour, and a plethora of other problems are a constant in our lives. It is certainly normal for someone to become upset and even temporarily depressed when facing any one of life's challenges.

The Torah encourages the expression of grief:

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. . . A time to weep. . . a time to mourn" (Kohelet 3:4).

No one should ever hide or suppress their emotions for too long; it is unhealthy for the heart and mind. Sadness and sorrow need to be faced, expressed, and managed appropriately.

"When there is worry in a man's heart, he should stifle it. But how does one stifle it? By sharing it with others" (Talmud Yoma 75a, based on Proverbs 12:25).

"How useful it would be to put a daily limit on self-pity. Just a few tearful minutes, then on with the day."

If we acknowledge and accept the pain without attempting to avoid or suppress it, we will have an easier time dealing with it. Emotional pain is magnified when we feel terrible that we feel terrible.

We must honestly confront the pain we feel. But after doing so, the key is to find a method with which to overcome the predicament and to move on.

Morrie Schwartz had a unique approach in dealing with the tragedy of his terminal illness (ALS):

"I [Mitch] asked Morrie if he felt sorry for himself.

'Sometimes in the mornings,' he said. 'That's when I mourn. I feel around my body, I move my fingers and my hands - whatever I can still move - and I mourn what I've lost. I mourn the slow, insidious way in which I'm dying. Then I stop mourning… I give myself a good cry if I need it. But then I concentrate on all the good things still in my life. On the people who are coming to see me. On the stories I'm going to hear… Mitch, I don't allow myself any more self-pity than that. A little each morning, a few tears, and that's all.'

I thought about all the people I knew who spent many of their waking hours feeling sorry for themselves. How useful it would be to put a daily limit on self-pity. Just a few tearful minutes, then on with the day. And if Morrie could do it with such a horrible disease. . .

'It's only horrible if you see it that way,' Morrie said. 'It's horrible to watch my body wilt away to nothing. But it's also wonderful because of all the time I get to say good-bye.' He smiled. 'Not everyone is so lucky.'

I studied him in his chair, unable to stand, to wash, to pull on his pants. Lucky? Did he really say lucky?" (from Tuesdays with Morrie)

Morrie's method is one we should utilize as well. After facing severe disappointments and depressions in life, we must force ourselves to focus on all of the blessings and good in our lives, on the future pleasures that we can have if we allow ourselves to experience them, on what we can still accomplish and attain despite our setbacks and travails.

We are used to thinking that happiness must be triggered, that it is based on external events beyond our control, that we cannot bring happiness to ourselves. If I have a child, I am happy. If I win the lottery, I am joyful. But the truth is quite the opposite. Joy is not based on what we are given in our lot in life. Joy is built upon what we already have. We can increase our own joy.

How do we bring joy into our lives? We all know that everything depends on attitude.

Take the following example:

Two patients are in an old age home. One says, "Thank God, my family cares so much about me. Not a week goes by without a visit and when they come they always bring something! It could be an apple or a candy."

The other patient says, "What a horrible family I have. Once a week is all the time they have for me, after all I have done for them as a mother?! All I'm worth is a candy or an apple!"

They're describing the same thing, yet they're describing opposite experiences.
As King Solomon wrote: "He that possesses a merry heart has a continual feast" (Proverbs 15:15). No matter what the person faces in life, if he takes it with a merry heart, he is always at a celebration.

The essential ingredient of our joy is not what we have but what we are and how we think. We can control our thoughts and attitudes.

This is the deeper understanding of the famous statement of the Sages, "Who is rich? One who takes pleasure and joy in his lot" (Ethics of the Fathers 4:1).

Rabbi Shimon Schwab, the late esteemed rabbi of the Washington Heights German-Jewish community, remarkably exemplified these concepts. When, at the age of 76, he became confined to a wheelchair, a grandson who would often wheel him around was amazed at Rabbi Schwab's ability to adapt. Never did Rabbi Schwab complain about his predicament. He always wore a smile and was in a pleasant mood.

"Zaidy," asked the grandson, "How could it be that you function now in a wheelchair the same way you functioned when you were able to walk? Don't you ever get upset and down about having to be in a wheelchair for the rest of your life?"

"Tell me," said Rabbi Schwab, "If someone gave you a million dollars and after a while asked you to give him back one hundred dollars, would you have any qualms about returning that amount? The Master of the World has given me a fully functioning and healthy body for 76 years, a million dollars. Now He has decided to take away my ability to walk, for valid reasons known only to Him. Should I now complain because He has chosen to take back a hundred dollars?"

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About the Author

Rabbi Boruch Leff is a vice-principal at Torah Institute in Baltimore. "Are You Growing?" (Feldheim), his just released book, is a must read if you want to grow spiritually. Click here for info on the book.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 5

(5)
Claudio,
August 2, 2014 1:45 AM

Facing a unwanted divorce

"We must honestly confront the pain we feel. But after doing so, the key is to find a method with which to overcome the predicament and to move on. "

(4)
Anonymous,
May 27, 2013 2:10 AM

Thank you

I was feeling sad and self-pity for being a single-mom with stage 4 cancer. However, there have been so many little miracles keeping me alive and well enough today - maybe not to be sake to bathe or lift my daughter but my mind is clear enabling me to think, learn and study Torah,, spread joy (if I chose), laugh, etc. I don't know the Alimighty's purpose in this but He is always with me; it is I who come and go. G-D has given me so much and essentially has not taken much from me; it's just my impression.

(3)
Chaiah Schwab,
May 23, 2005 12:00 AM

Wonderfully expressed!

Wonderfully expressed!
Thank you!
We (I) always need "Chazara" (review) of the truth that we have the CHOICE to focus on the half of the cup that's empty of the half that's full.

(2)
Denise,
May 17, 2005 12:00 AM

Limiting Self Pity

My expressed happiness for reading this in my mailbox! Rabbi Boruch Leff has sent the perfect thing for me to remember! When he sent Kohelet 3:4 and the story of Morrie, I could only praise God for I know this message was for me.

I have on my desktop Ecclesiastes 3:1, so I read 1-8 and it is the very thing for me to read this day. It's been a hard few months and I too am in a wheelchair and look through the eyes of Morrie. Having had health for 42 years was my blessing and now that health is leaving, I cannot mourn this small thing. Good health was given to me for 42 years and now I should complain? This would be like slapping God in the face for the 42 wonderful years He gave to me. This is not a very thankful way to tell Him thank you.

Thank you Rabbi Boruch Leff for this reminder--it never hurts to be reminded. Especially today did I need this reminder.

Shalom

(1)
Anonymous,
May 15, 2005 12:00 AM

As always an uplifting, inspiring and elevating article.

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I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!