Wednesday, September 29, 2010

On the 26th of this month, a boat carrying Jewish activists set sail from Cyprus to Gaza in the hope of breaking the insufferable siege. Those on board included Ed (or David...no let's stick with Ed since he's the boss now) Miliband's mother, Marion Kozak, 82 year old Holocaust survivor Reuven Moskovitz, and Rami Alhanan, an Israeli whose daughter was killed in a suicide bombing in 1997.

Smuggled weapons must have been deeply smuggled under the boats nail planks or magnetically pulverised into anthrax powder, because according to European Jews for a Just Peace, the organization that launched the boat, the cargo included:

"symbolic aid in the form of children's toys and musical instruments, textbooks, fishing nets for Gaza's fishing communities and prosthetic limbs for orthopedic medical care in Gaza's hospitals."

"IDF naval forces recently boarded the yacht 'Irene', and it is currently being led to the Ashdod seaport along with its passengers," the military said in statement that branded the boat a "provocation yacht".

IDF chief spokesman Avi Benayahu deplored the fact that "naval forces and fighters are being diverted from our main mission" to "a surreal assignment" of intercepting a boatload of activists.

"Its entire intention was to generate media attention and (stage) a provocation. This matter is especially regrettable as we are talking about a group of Jews and of Israeli citizens, and even someone who has worn an IDF officer's uniform."

Dear oh dear, how dare a bunch of conscientious Jewish folk, some with Israeli citizenship, have the absolute GALL to stage off such a publicity stunt that hurts the democratic sandy-beached Israel? Such PROVOCATION!!!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The 28th of September. Hm, what makes this date so darn significant? Oh, pick me pick me! That's the day William the Conqueror invaded England! Wait, no...that's not quite it. Oh, the Beatles' "Hey Jude" peaked at number 1 on the charts! No, still not it. And who cares if Napoleon Bonaparte graduated at 16 from military school this day hundreds of years ago. Today, ten years ago exactly, we were a couple of kids in 5th grade. We went home to eat and indulge in family activities (such as merciless teasing and fights over who gets the chipped dinner plate) when the TV was turned on. Ariel Terrorist Sharon's bloated face filled up the screen as he gloated and waddled into the Al-Aqsa compound with his security forces, a site that is sacred to Muslims in Jerusalem. His provocative visit sparked this anniversary. Two days later, we found our parents hooked on to the tube. On the screen, a boy not much older than us was crouching behind his father's back while Israeli bullets bombarded them. That boy, Muhammad Al-Durra, became the first martyr of the 2nd Palestinian Intifada. The quisling Old Man has since stated that the 2nd Intifada was "one of our worst mistakes." The sooner he brain haemorrhages the better, what a tool. More than 7 thousand Palestinians have been killed so far, and the road map to peace (har har) has never looked so...promising! Good God, Fayyadism has effectively wiped out any resistance to the Occupier, and Palestinian thus are oppressed twice. One, by Israel, and another by the quisling's regime. The result is a desperate acceptance from the Palestinians of their situation, in that they don't agree with the present reality but are powerless to do anything because of a lack of a unified representative voice to convey to the world what they initially want and have sacrificed so much for.

The first Intifada differed in that it was a wholly nationalistic movement. Palestinians were a united front against the enemy, and decisive tactics such as boycotting Israel and refusing to pay their taxes aggravated Israel beyond means, hence their brutal retaliation. The second Intifada was more faction-oriented. Each political group or movement had their own armed wing that carried out various operations. Most important was the posters of the martyrs belonging to their respective group, (well not really.) Israel assassinated and detained charismatic and spiritual leaders, paving the way for the Old Man to take up power. Since then, Palestinian history has witnessed its worst events ever, as civil fighting between Fateh and Hamas, set up by the concerned American government, claimed more than 600 lives. Politics then became solely focused on Fateh and Hamas, with the idiots in charge aggravating the situation even more and not calling attention to the real problem, Israel. And now we have the present, a comically despairing one ruled by a dictator who is more of a dick then a ruler. We need to awaken the resistance again, starting with the ever so impressionable youth, the university students. We need to be united once again. We need to start caring more. We have to galvanize our resistance.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Campus isn't our favorite place to be. We consider it a mighty achievement just finding the energy and the resoluteness to get up in the morning and actually take classes. After that, it's either a quick hangout with the like-minded folks or a dash to get home. We will never get the poor souls who consider the university to be their all-time coolio hangout. Some people stay for hours after their classes are done. Even more scary are those who arrive on a day where they have no reason to be there, all for the sake of dallying and faffing about. So, even though this blog claims (actually it doesn't) to be some sort of anonymous News of the World rag but on less worldly issues (sex? what IS that?), news-wise it's more or less mediocre because we simply don't care about all the little things happening, we're not exactly omnipotent, and we don't consider loitering to be in our best interests. Do we have to report on every time the loudspeakers are out with the nationalist songs blaring? Truth is, life is pretty much boring on campus. Altercations between idiots are considered to be...hm the pinnacle of interesting happenings. Somehow, the majority of them, when they do occur, always take place while we're locked up in some lecture room zoning out and wondering whether the guy in front of us deep fried his hair in last year's cooking oil or not. Imagine our moderate surprise when on the student academic portal, Ritaj, a statement condemned the recent fights that had broken out...on campus!! Fights? More than one? And we missed them? When? Where? Who? What kind of getaway students are we? Well well well. The statement didn't mention the nature of these fisticuffs, but here is the link and below is our sorry translation **:

Statement Issued by the University Council

Since the beginning of this semester the university has witnessed sad events that have resulted in the closure of the gates of the university and assault on faculty members and others (And we assume that we must have been hiding under a rock the whole time...seriously? News to us!). The latest event took place on the sidelines of a student activity on Monday 20/9/2010 held in the Kamal Nasser Hall, where there were clashes between students that involved hands, rocks, and sticks. This resulted in injuries and a number of students had to be transferred to the hospital for treatment. Serious property damage was also caused. The participants refused to comply with instructions to use cool logic and reason, and that has been taken into consideration and with our strenuous efforts, all student activities will be suspended for a month.(Fists, stones, AND sticks? Man, that's it, we endeavor to be more..aware of fights from now on!)

The University Council deeply regrets these deplorable practices and sees it as unfitting to the morals and values that prevail within the university. The deplorable practices have intimated other students and faculty alike, and have threatened to spill over outside campus where the warning bells will not be ringing.

Birzeit University has a long and proven history of ensuring a democratic atmosphere, and follows that dialogue is the only way to solve all kinds of issues (Suckers! Armed resistance everyone!). But when groups of students resort to violence (verbal and physical abuse), and ignore the system of the university and the instructions of officials, this represents a serious threat to the reputation of the university and the academic situation, where thousands of students will have no future because they won't choose to come to such a university because of the unstable and unsafe environment (No future! bahahaha).

The University Council will do all that is in its power to keep the university free from interactions that lead to agitation and physical violence, without prohibiting the right of students in intellectual diversity, and will remain faithful in its mission to promote freedom on opinion and calls upon everyone to combine their efforts to achieve this and apply it effectively.

So, anxious to calm things down, and reduce friction, and to prevent the transmission of the manifestations of violence off-campus, the Council has decided:

The suspension of all student activities for a month, subject to renewal light of variables.

To emphasize the force of order, hence any student activity must seek permission first from the Dean of Student Affairs.

The emphasis on preventing students who were expelled for one semester or those with behavioural problems to enter campus, without prior permission from the Dean of Student Affairs.

The prohibition of any visitors of students to enter campus, without prior from the etc etc.

The transference of all students who were involved in violence to the Committee of Public Order and holding them responsible for the property damage done.

It also calls on students to avoid violent practices (use anaesthesia before castration!) and the denunciation of such practices, and to cooperate fully with the officials to keep the campus an oasis of security and democracy, and to maintain the university as a magnet for female students ( WHAT? hahahahaha, a chick magnet!) and students throughout the nation, and to increase the academic level we all aspire to achieve and which we hold in the best interests for our children in the future.

** Google translation might have been used in abundance.

Wow. It took us a while to stop howling from laughter. Given bet that the fights were of some political nature..or actually..some guy might have hit on some other guy's girl and the girl liked it and told her friends and her friends told her brother and her brother with his friends confronted the guy with the original guy and his friends and ohhh what a lovely world we live in.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Fridays and Sundays are our weekends. Sunday was penned in as a day of classes based on Saturday. We initially thought that we being punished for having our Eid holiday so early on that we were actually being made to make up a day for it. Hence the dark mutterings and the fire shot eyes. We blamed the tight circle of Christians who hold power over the university, as in "Well, I don't see us making up Christmas Day, now do I?" Damn sectarianism! We're not proud of that, and lesser so when the truth was finally told to us. The reason Sunday is a day of classes is simply because there aren't enough Saturdays in this semester. Well, how about this slightly ingenious idea, why don't we take an extra Saturday instead of wasting our weekend? We value and hold our free days very close to our hearts so forgive us if we sound like menopausal women.

As it is, the wonderous student grapevine informed us late last night that no, there WON'T be classes (some sort of emergency meeting with important university staff or something) and Sunday will remain a Sunday, a sleepy lazy day. In fact, we shall commence henceforth to call Sundays Lazdays. It will catch on, you'll see.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Although this song isn't new, it's making spaces on certain blogs recently because of its newly released official video. Hamdulillah reminds us of one time, near the end of a semester, sharing headphones in the taxi ride from the university to home, listening to it on repeat over and over again. Hamdulillah reminds us of our families and homes, so lucky to be around each other. Hamdulillah reminds us of grandparents and uncles and cousins in Gaza, barely 50 miles away yet are forbidden to meet/inaccessible. Hamdulillah reminds us of peace, love, unity.

We have a number of favorite artists out there-- Lowkey, Invincible, Omar Offendum, and The Narcicyst. He started out with the now obsolete (following the tragic death of one of its members) band Euphrates, which for some time last year was the only thing we played on our ipods. Seriously, listening to Narcy increases our IQ by a hundred. He knows what he's talking about, and to articulate it the way he does is crazy beautiful. Fahman times infinity.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Sir Thermopolis War has been given the honor to teach us not one but two classes this semester. He is an old skeleton (who probably has died three times over) with a vast storehouse of knowledge with no apparent teaching style whatsoever, yet you can't fault his perceptive cognizance. Disruptions in class are caused by those who see the funny side of his mispronunciation of words and his overall demeanor. In this series, we shall be including snippets of his extensive non-existent autobiography. And mispronunciations.

Mispronunciation of the day:

Thoreau. As in, tho*ree*oh.

Used in sentence: Tho*ree*oh was influenced by Transcendentalism.

{}Sir Thermopolis was the instigator of the 1936 Palestinian strike against the British Mandate.{} FACT!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Ramadan is over, and its exhausting days too. Not the fasting part, that wasn't so bad, but the continuous family gatherings around food ('azayim) and the staying up until 2 AM socializing (sahrat). Now that the Eid holiday has started, we can resume our 15 hour a day sleep periods.

Twas the Night Before Eid..

..And Ramallah was teeming with hundreds of thousands of people. There was no room to put one's foot. The people were like termites all scurrying around aimlessly, in some places congregating like there was no tomorrow. Stores stayed open well after midnight with people still buying clothes at rip off prices, and oh my we enjoyed it all thoroughly. Gets you in the mood for Eid, you see. Balloons for the kids were at every corner, there was a belly dancing bear shaking its furry butt to Najwa Karam, and cat calls and perverts adorned the manara. Note about the perverts: They claim that you are the most beautiful face they have ever seen, but they don't say mashallah and so you get hit with the evil eye and go tripping over a huge slab of rock in the middle of the street. Ho hum.

It was a good day for street vendors too.

The day of Eid is spent either waking up very early to pray and then visit relatives or sleeping in until the early afternoon. Prayers were held at Old Man Abbas's headquarters, the Muqta'ah so of course we didn't go. The takbeerat weren't even heard throughout the entire day, and the reason for that lies in Salam Fayyad's magnanimity and utmost respect to the nearby Israeli settlements. See, he doesn't want to..BOTHER the settlers with the adhan. Friggin zionut. Right, so before we launch into our customary negativity, we wish you all a very happy Eid!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Dangerous Lunatics aren't the ones locked up in padded rooms with their mobility fixed due to their tightly strapped in straitjackets. No, they are leaders of social/religious/community centers, preaching hatred and intolerance to their flock of sheep, gesticulating ferociously while frothing madly at the mouth. With handlebar moustaches. Enter Pastor Terry Jones. Please, we are so sick and tired of hearing and seeing his mug on our screens. There's a link here and a link there and oh, there's another one also. Goodbye, sayanora, we didn't care before we sure as hell don't care now. Just one of those get-famous-quick schemes:

Recipe for Presupposed Disaster:

One bigoted man of God

30 person congregation

One outlandish "shockingly" zealous idea

Media

Reaction of notables

Dump them all in a transparent mixing bowl, and pour the bothersome media awareness generously while whipping it all together. Result? A creamy load of shit that just made Martha's newest cookbook for the addition of the dabbling of the President of a superpower country.

Terry. Oh Terry. Your plan to seek fame and recognition has worked, because instead of belittling your crazy ideologies and antics by ignoring you like the unlovable punk you are, the powerful force of the media decided otherwise. No, they decided to thrust you right in the limelight, garnering outcries and condemnations and protests and best of all...INTERVIEWS! Although, had your plan actually worked out, these interviews would have turned into vicious hate mail and a public flaying of your skin, because your extremist views would have set off a chain reaction of other extremist views, and hey, first it was the Twin Towers, next it could be..Sarah Palin's Alaskan Russian-viewing house. Over and done with.

Next we have the equally unlovable punk that calls itself Glenn Beck fighting for the, nay, restoring the honour of Americans. But is he really all that he seems to be? (Sorry to ruin it, but yes.)

Friday, September 3, 2010

On Wednesday students called on other students (we don't care what party/faction/movement) in a bid to salvage some sort of pride about the university's role and reputation in the first Intifada to protest the silly negotiations at 1100 hours by the Manara in Ramallah. Circumstances permitted us to arrive at 11:50 to a sorry group that totalled a grand 40 or so people. Birzeit students were nowhere to be seen. Perhaps some of them fear infiltrators and agents, but again we were fools to expect a decent turnout. Half-assed, as always. We just didn't get the memo that these sort of protests last for 20 minutes. And anyway, what do they consist of? People milling around, jostling each other to be in front of the media cameras, holding up signs. Best action you will get.

Hello everyone! Negotiations are here to the rescue! Rest assured that once the 'gruelling' talks are over, there will be peace in the Middle East! Honest to God! There will be blood, sweat and tears. There will be compromises and sacrifices! There won't be any capitulations! No renunciation no submission and best of all, no selling out! The Palestinian side will be treated as equally as the Israeli side! Let the confabulations commence forth!

The Playas in the Game

Peace be upon you! Let me clarify one thing. We can DO this bitch, yes we can! Black man president of the US? Been there, done that. Peace in the Middle East, we're gonna do it. Yeah, my little catchphrase has gotten pretty annoying. Oh, I'm no Muzlem sympathizer, which is a good thing that the Hamas beards are not invited. The old fat man is more reasonable. I say "Oppress your people here'safewmilliondollars" and he obeys! It's more about the security of the state of Israel and laying the smackdown on the terrorists who dare disturb it. I have a good feeling about this. It's one way to boost my sliding approval rates and silencing the nasty

Hello there old chaps. I'm rather adorable, aren't I? I wanted to wear this lovely Star Trek outfit at my inauguration but my advisers advised against it. Oh well. I know what you're thinking. Yes indeed, these are GENUINE blue eyes! It explains the fact why I am the best looking Arab monarch. And why I can't speak Arabic for the life of me. Teehee! I've got a lovely brown-nosing wife who has made it a habit to stop by on Oprah Winfrey's show, and tons of money! And no authority. I'd rather be posing in my colorful Oriental costumes for pictures and portraits where my subjects can drool over my perfectness yet I am obliged to attend this delightful little vacation at the White House. Shouldn't they be calling it the Black House? Ha-HA I made a funny! Crumpets anyone?

Ehhh. Ze fact zat I am looking everyday more like zis kind of overblown toad iz not good for my hels. Enough with the Egyptian-Bloodsucking dialect, but really, my hels, I mean health, is waning. However, I checked last time and the deal I made with the devil is still intact, I have a solid 100 years left in me. Power to me!!! Let me see..my role in this charade is to continue the strangulation of the people of Gaza, getting rid of the Muslim Brotherhood and effectively Hamas, and to line my bong with more billions of dollars! Ah, but my people love me. They just don't know that yet. I tell them it is all for the greater good. I am greater than them, so I deserve to live my life and run my country the way I see fit. I hope these silly talks don't take long, I have an appointment with the doctor in Switzerland who recommended euthanasia for me. Power to me!!!

Shalom! I am fat old man. I make deal with Hosni's devil. I like travel to Europe and the America to trash rich hotels and burn expensive cigars on the blouses of blondes. I am convert to Zionism! I have money, money, and more money. I still President of the PA, even after 2 years of expiry date ha-HA! I pretend I care about nationalist cause. I care about settlers and security of Israelis, first and foremost. I open my arms to hug them. They give me benjamins! Ka-ching! When in Ramallah, I travel with concierge and bling bling vehicles. I give shit not to Palestinians. I am big man! I overdose on Viagra. I like Obama, he give me nice rooms.