Michael Cole says “Mill-guillicutty” and “Jerry Lauer” in the first nine seconds of this video. He is paid by wrestling to talk for a living.

Best: Sheamus Is All Personality

WWE has a terrible tendency to equate smiling with fair play. The best example is Brock Lesnar, a seething beast built out of monster tattoos and log-jogging who showed up out of nowhere and coldly dispatched every fan favorite in his way; the Hardy Boyz, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, The Rock, The Undertaker and even Hardcore Holly stepped up and were destroyed. Then, sometime in November, when the leaves are dead and the bad decisions really start to flow, Paul Heyman turned on Brock, transforming Brock into the fan favorite. Literally within seconds Brock changed from the unstoppable monster to this weird dick frat guy who smiled a lot and thought kissing Kurt Angle on the mouth was a funny idea. He never recovered, and now in UFC he’s an amalgamation of the two, this big super strong super tough guy who laughs like a bad guy from Final Fight and calls people Mexican as an insult.

Anyway, that’s what’s happening to Sheamus. Sheamus has been smiling a lot, so much that he’s a Kelly away from pointing with one hand and holding a belt over his head with the other, but I won’t pretend like I didn’t go OH SH*T IT’S SHEAMUS HAHAHA OH SH*T YOU’RE GONNA DIE MCGILLICUTTY YOU’RE GONNA DIEEEEE when Jerry Lawler intro’d his tag partner and Theme From Sheamus hit. I still don’t agree with Otunga and McGillicutty being paid to be wrestlers on TV who are only there because you want to tell us how much they suck, but I am 100% on board with Sheamus showing up and Brogue Kicking these worthless dudes into oblivion with minimal effort. Lawler stayed in the ring for about four seconds and somehow got busted open (I’m going to say “being 60″ was the reason for that), but he could’ve sat back down next to JR and let the Great Caucasian Sheamus dispatch do it by himself. Sheamus should be getting his ass handed to him by Mark Henry, but he should let literally no one else hand him a goddamn thing.

I want Lawler and Sheamus to be a permanent tag team, and I want their catchphrase to be “it is great to be white”. That’s why you hate Otunga, isn’t it, Jerry.

Worst: Where Exactly Are You Going With This

I thought Lawler saying MCGILLICUTTY AND OTUNGA, YOUR GAY leading to McGillicutty and Otunga losing the tag titles to a couple of gays like a couple of gays was the end of this story. Then, I thought Lawler teaming up with The Internet’s Zack Ryder, lifetime record 1-99, to beat McGillicutty and Otunga in a few minutes was the end of the story. Now we’re stuck in a weird thing where McGillicutty and Otunga keep losing, and their only response is to say C’MON JERRY ARE YOU STILL SAYING WE DON’T HAVE PERSONALITY, ARE YOU SERIOUS before Jerry summons a tag partner and squashes them, and I don’t know where they’re going or how long they’re going to take to get there.

What is this accomplishing? You don’t need a month to say “these wrestlers are bad, you shouldn’t like them”, you can just not have them as wrestlers on your show. Worst case scenario, you have them lose to people you want the crowd to cheer for (Space Jam) and disappear. But this, what is this? Is it leading to Jerry getting turned on by one of his tag partners and siding with Mike and Dave to form the New New Nexus? Are we going to have Otunga bring back Skip Sheffield and Darren Young and whoever to beat up Jerry and dismantle the ring again? Is Triple H going to make Michael McGillicutty strip to his bra and panties and bark like a dog? What is happening, and why is it taking so long? Nobody likes this. Do you like this? NOBODY LIKES THIS.

Worst: Never Forget 9/11 WWE

They should’ve just played Green Day over a “DID YOU KNOW?” graphic that read “WWE IS THE REASON AMERICA IS STILL A COUNTRY”.

Or, they could’ve just played this.

You’re right, Stephanie, the 3,000 people who died in those attacks are just like when the government told your dad to stop giving Hulk Hogan steroids.

Best/Worst: The Most John Cena Match Of All Time

The less said about the Hart/Cena vs. Del Rio/Rodriguez tag match, the better. Like Kingston/Miz, it was fine for what it was trying to be … Cena wanted to fight Del Rio, but he is suddenly a coward (despite beating CM Punk, Rey Mysterio, and John Morrison all right in a row) and tosses helpless little Ricardo to the wolves. Cena beats up Ricardo, Del Rio flees, Bret Hart comes in and gets a sympathy Sharpshooter to make everybody happy. There’s nothing wrong with that, I guess, but Jesus, it was the most John Cena thing of all time.

Think about it. Ever since Punk hit and Triple H returned to be COO, they haven’t known what to do with Cena, and he’s been falling deeper and deeper into realizations that his world is fake. Remember how in The Truman Show the actors don’t come up with any real excuses for the strange things Truman is seeing, they’re just going about their day and pretending none of it is happening? That’s what’s going on here. The people around Cena are acting in the most John Cena’s Antagonists way possible … Del Rio, a guy who won Money in the Bank AND the Royal Rumble and who retired Edge and Rey Mysterio with straight-up attacking, is doing the thing Cena hates the most: GIVING UP. John Cena does not Give Up. He does not Back Down. Notice how Cena keeps bringing up the rental cars and the fakeness of Alberto, but Alberto never addresses it, he’s just like “I DON’T KNOW WHAT CHU TALKING ABOUT CENA, BUT” and changes the subject. By giving up and backing down, Del Rio is sorta trying to rope Cena back into this world of Good vs. Evil and away from the shades of grey and “real names” of CM Punk.

“Americans proudly standing side by side, with nothing to fear”
-John Cena

…except for all the not white people that probably had to give up their tickets to that event that day so they wouldn’t get mauled by a crowd of angry drunk hicks.

09.13.11 at 4:07 pm

Keyser Sosa

Great article btw, I’m dissapointed its only 6 pages, but I’m glad you were able to rescue some bests from that awful episode.

09.13.11 at 4:08 pm

Brandon

@Keyser – Yeah, I came up a little short this week, but I cut a lot of filler. And there were so many pointless three minutes matches I couldn’t muster up something extravagant to say about all of them. Trust me, when I do the Raw two weeks from now it’ll be like 18 pages long.

09.13.11 at 4:07 pm

Upstate Underdog

I for one would love to see a Hit Man and Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart reunion.

@B, good job on the unrelated, but important A.J. picture

09.13.11 at 4:11 pm

YeshMan

“Do you know what John Cena’s real name is? It’s John Cena.”

I don’t know why that made me laugh so much, but thanks.

09.13.11 at 4:13 pm

Eli

Go back to Mexico??

I knew John Cena was in the Tea Party, reading Romans 8 to whoever would listen to him in the backstage area

09.13.11 at 4:15 pm

Vince

Woah.. nice New Jack/Beyond the Mat reference.

09.13.11 at 4:16 pm

Summerslam

You’re 100% correct about Punk and HHH. Sure, HHH can name 4 guys that didn’t look totally jacked, but the list of guys injecting themselves in the ass at the Power Plant is way longer. Nor do they mention the fact that lately, every time someone does get something resembling a shot, two months later they’re working a dark match vs Swagger at a third tier PPV like Backlash or some summershow they’ve renamed three times in as many years.

Punk’s breakout came speaking about problems in wrestling, but when they clean it up to make sure WWE never looks bad, it becomes a problem. Can they at least make WCW look bad? Just talk about ex-NFL players looking for a quick payday, guys like HHH (use Hogan or Nash as a stand-in for him), and all the other issues there to fill-in as a history lesson Punk wants to teach us about great wrestling could be, but how guys rarely have a chance unless they’re ‘genetic FREEKS’, 8 feet tall, or are huge pricks backstage.

09.13.11 at 4:16 pm

twerp

Miz and R-Truth are the best thing on RAW.

09.13.11 at 4:16 pm

uconngary7

Thanks for another A+ effort…as I said on TH’s blog, if you were in a coma from 1998 to Summerslam you’d be 100% behind HHH to kick CM Punk’s ass.

Also, I hated everything that Alberto del Rio did last night. It made me sad. He and Ricardo seemed like best buddies, and this was the first time ADR treated Ricardo like dirt. I was bummed out. Also ADR doesn’t cheat and wimp out, he’s the bad-ass guy who breaks people’s arms cuz he wants to. Keep him doing that. He shoulda broke Bret Hart’s arm and called it a night.

09.13.11 at 4:18 pm

Brandon

@uconngary7 – Actually, the Alberto/Ricardo relationship has gone this way before. Alberto has tossed Ricardo to the lions a few times, but their relationship remains rock solid. They’re friends, but Ricardo is still his lackey. He just likes him.

09.13.11 at 4:18 pm

uconngary7

Just noticed the AJ picture, and I think I’d leave my wife for a shot at her

Great as always. I enjoy your columns so much that I still find myself flipping back and forth between a terrible Raw and MNF, just so I can follow along.

Unrelated: I just watched King of Trios night two, and either I’m really high, or I just recognized you in the crowd going apeshit for Archibald Peck. He’s the best.

09.13.11 at 4:29 pm

Brandon

@Mitch – Yep, that’s me. I’m the only one in the building cheering for him. Check out the awesome mark photo I got for my efforts: [bit.ly]

09.13.11 at 4:25 pm

Joe

Eh, the final Triple H-CM Punk segment was fine. No, it wasn’t “hey Colt Cabana” or “We want wrestling” but it was okay for it was. And I may be the only one but I thought the end of the statement was fantastic. The mic getting cut off was a real “oh shit” moment and though it will be probably just end up being Stephanie McMahon, it was still an engaging segment, which is all I ask for sometimes.

Also, in my fantasy internet wrestling mind, this whole Lawler angle leads to Colt Cabana debuting in the WWE, which I know is the worst, Bleacher Report-iest thing to say. But it makes too much sense. When you think about, Zack Ryder and Colt Cabana are like the same person. Two guys with a huge amount of charisma and in ring talent but are unappreciated (Cabana to a lesser extent here, I guess) despite the fans loving them. Of course, that’s assuming Colt Cabana wants to sign with the WWE but it’s all hypothetical for now.

09.13.11 at 4:26 pm

Josh

Brandon>bill simmons

09.13.11 at 4:28 pm

Lorenzo de'Medici

why did Cena have to say “thousandaire”? Why?

also, Zack Ryder’s 1-99 record is going to lead to me calling him Gabby Jay forever now

09.13.11 at 4:33 pm

Ewzzy

I may have said it here before but Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriquez are the first wrestlers where I get genuinely upset when someone like John Cena messes with them. I WANT Del Rio to have those cars. I WANT Ricardo to come out and give a ridiculous intro. I hate when Cena tries to poke a hole it because he’s been kicked out of the garden of eden.

Punk is the snake who gave Cena the apple and got him kicked out of the WWE’s fictional universe. Now he’s standing there at the gate screaming at Alberto who still lives there just begging him to eat the apple. Alberto can’t function any better than Cena can outside that gate. The world would quit making sense to him.

As you said, John Cena’s name is John Cena. Most wrestlers can leave a gimmick behind and move on, but he can’t leave who he is. When the crowd chants “throw it back” he can’t separate that into “they hate my character.” All he has is “they hate me.”

It must suck to be Cena.

09.13.11 at 4:35 pm

M4G3RK

Beth’s Shatterstar helmet, lol. Wow. That’s some Dennis Miller type referencing shit right there. I also appreciated the NewJack/Beyond the Mat one too.

At this point with Punk and HHH I really do just want to see them beat the hell out of each other Sunday night, regardless of the outcome.

09.13.11 at 4:35 pm

Sean

good article. no mention of being a vegan!

09.13.11 at 4:36 pm

Vince

Also, how the fuck does this end in a satisfying way? Something happens at Night of Champions that makes Punk say “oh triple h you were right my bad i’m sorry” or, worse, something happens that makes Punk say “triple h you are the lesser of two evils let’s be friends and fight them now.” Either way Punk looks like a weak dumbass (nobody wants CM Punk to be friends with Triple H, we don’t want Punk to be friends with anyone) and either way Punk loses the match. How does this help anybody?

Every week I try to remember the way I felt about WWE and CM Punk at Money in the Bank and the more time passes I wonder if it was even real. I mean, Colt Cabana went from sitting in the front row seemingly on the verge of signing to spending all his time in England and Japan. This is not my beautiful house, this is not my beautiful wife.

09.13.11 at 4:36 pm

Ashy Larry Johnson

If they’re just going to have guys talk at each other at the end of the night, at least deck out the ring in plaid and bring back Piper’s Pit, for crying out loud.

09.13.11 at 4:37 pm

Public Frenemy

Wull, I like the TKO….but in my own defense, I stopped watching wrestling from 1994 to 2006, so perhaps 1998’s asshole didn’t taste so putrid to me.

But that doesn’t mean I give a shit about Alex Riley.

09.13.11 at 4:39 pm

Ryan

Has any one used the name John Laryngitis when referring to John Laurinaitis? If not, I’d like to move that we change his name to that.

ps. Great work, thanks for writing and keep it up! Gives me something to do at work on Tuesday afternoon or Wednesday morning.

09.13.11 at 4:39 pm

jon t

wonderful as always.

The Punk-H angle is falling apart because, my god, it’s two thousand got-danged eleven, and anyone who cares to do so can visit any of the 800 bajillion wikipedia articles or imdb pages or reviews of “the chaperone” to find out what your real name is, and thus for both the people who do and the people who don’t care about that stuff it’s a spectacular waste of time. It’s not cute, anymore than trying to elbow us in the ribs each week with a “do you know who this dude’s wife is? huh huh” reference when they’re coming upon like 8 years of marriage? that’s the linen anniversary, btw. i looked that up, on wikipedia.

09.13.11 at 4:39 pm

Dave

“Notice how Cena keeps bringing up the rental cars and the fakeness of Alberto, but Alberto never addresses it, he’s just like “I DON’T KNOW WHAT CHU TALKING ABOUT CENA, BUT” and changes the subject. By giving up and backing down, Del Rio is sorta trying to rope Cena back into this world of Good vs. Evil and away from the shades of grey and “real names” of CM Punk.”

…god I hope so. That and the Mark Henry stuff were my favourite parts this week, but this was another awesome article. Also I lost my mind at Alex Riley, King of E-Feds.

09.13.11 at 4:39 pm

Kyle

- I actually enjoy the TKO, but Riley messed it up. He swung it into a neckbreaker instead of the intended cutter, but whatever. Pick a finisher, stick with it, and give it a name.

– Miz/Truth is the best thing on Raw right now by a mile. When they did their little high five thing and looked at each other all funny afterwards, I completely lost it. I was giggling uncontrollably like a 12-year-old girl.

– Has Kofi ever NOT messed up someone’s finisher?

– Even my girlfriend, who doesn’t really pay attention to wrestling was like, “Whoa, did Randy Orton just lose?”

09.13.11 at 4:41 pm

Skooch

I read this and heartily enjoy all Brandon Stroud productions.

09.13.11 at 4:44 pm

Razorcakes

Dunno if you watched any football over the weekend Brandon, but relative to the “tributes” to the victims of 9/11 foisted on us not just once but during the kick off to EVERY game, I found WWE’s approach and Vince’s message (which really boiled down to “Let’s not forget what happened, but also let’s get on with our lives and do the things we love to do to show the bad guys we’re not scared”)and to a lesser extent Cena’s speech more palatable than the NFL’s “REMEMBER HOW AWFUL THAT WAS? LET’S ALL FEEL AWFUL AGAIN!” Over and over and over.

Also Sheamus’ performance as a wrestler is perfectly correlated with the size and strength of his opponents. I just don’t enjoy watching him mulch people he should mulch, and watching those people wilt like delicate flowers plopped into the sun’s corona. They need to put him against more Henry-esque guys where both men can legitimately seem to try and demolish each other instead of cannon fodder. It’s like playing Doom or Quake (dating myself here) with God mode on. Yeah it’s fun once, but eventually you get tired of just running up to every monster and vaporizing him with the BFG.

09.13.11 at 4:44 pm

I'm From Winnipeg, You Idiot!

But hey, the other day my friend Mike Ondrick mentioned how being ECW Champion was meaningless because Ezekiel Jackson was ECW Champion, and I typed “that was Bobby Lashley, n00b” before googling it and f**king remembering that Ezekiel Jackson was the ECW Champion.
===================================
THIS.

This is why I come and read every week, Brandon. Well, this and to see you perfectly recall John’s Truman Show episode. Seriously, this week was more obvious than anything. Even my sister, who HATES wrestling but loves John Cena, said that people are ignoring what he’s saying and keep talking… almost as if he’s Deadpool and no one notices that he talks in yellow balloon bubbles. (She actually said that, by the way. Insert Michael Cole calling my sister a nerd.)

Enjoy your vacation, Brandon.

09.13.11 at 4:51 pm

Tom from West Chester

I’m with uconngary7. Where’s the ADR I like from the past few weeks (Canadien immigrant comment aside- that was a best)? He shouldn’t acknowledge that the crowd is laughing at him, he’s supposed to think we all love him (the “Guys!” bit from the episode of Raw where he beat up Rey). Also, he shouldn’t hang Ricardo out to dry like that. Brandon, just because he’s done it before doesn’t make it good. ADR is a better heel than this. However, if he makes it up to Ricardo next week by hooking him up with less attractive Bella we’re cool.

At least WWE is doing SOMETHING other than “Random new heel-guy wants to take Cena down”. Really, they’ve elevated Cena to the point that you never think he’s really going to lose, he’ll always have the belt and will retire as a 40 time champion. Great article, as always!

09.13.11 at 4:55 pm

KYIrish

What I learned this week was all of Brandon’s e-fed guys looked like Test.

09.13.11 at 4:57 pm

ShogunChelios

I wish you would’ve mentioned the Swagger/Dolph confrontation some more during the Vickie/Kelly match. Swagger really proved he needed Vickie by replying to Dolph’s “what are you doing here??” with “yeah, what am I doing here! Huh? What? Huh? Doing here? Yeah? Huh?” Then punch. They couldn’t have practiced something before that? Swagger froze up like an 8-year old performing in his first school play.

09.13.11 at 5:06 pm

ritesofpatches

I can’t get home to read these things fast enough. Nice work.

09.13.11 at 5:07 pm

Furiously Tim

The fact that McGillicutty tried to sorta name drop his own father’s name (without actually saying it for some reason) to zero reaction from the people in attendance was pretty awesome. I still don’t know why he went with “McGillicutty”, especially with Dibiase Jr., Cody, Natalya milking their lineage as much as possible. I mean, this guy definitely needs that kind of association to legitimize him in some way doesn’t he?

I know it’s purposeful, I just don’t know if it’s the WWE being silly about how they bring in new talent or if Little Hennig thought it was a good idea to carve his own path being something other than Mr. Perfect’s son. Because if the latter is remotely true than the fact that he finally brought up his dad (kinda) to reaffirm how much personality he has is pretty ass-backwards after spending a year on Raw not mentioning him at all.

Solid read as always, Brandon!

09.13.11 at 5:16 pm

Bronze Cat

The fact that I’m getting tired of these terrific analogies (ie – Truman Show) is a testament to how repetitive this Goddamn product has become. They really dropped the ball on the Punk angle, and Del Rio (who is awesome) has become virtually an afterthought.

Still better than Smackdown though.

09.13.11 at 5:19 pm

Fishy

Thanks Brandon, knowing i´m going to read your article the next day is what helps me through Raw these days.

Keep up the great work.

09.13.11 at 5:19 pm

Mitch

I can imagine Punk actually signing off on this crap. I want to believe he has these cutting edge ideas for a script and then the WWE writer/HHH get ahold of it and just butcher it to the point that we’re seeing every Monday. I thought my DVR was skipping like a scratched record with Mr. Ayches said “you have to get over with these people” literally 3 times WHILE they were chanting “CM Punk”

They’re still clueless.

09.13.11 at 5:24 pm

Thatsamare

Way to make Chicken salad out of chicken shit. That was a pretty bad Raw. I can’t believe they ended the show with talking that didn’t (nor can it) go anywhere.

Sheamus shouldn’t smile. Ever. He should always just be a tough, serious Irishman who likes to fight. Thats all he needs to be.

09.13.11 at 5:36 pm

Patrick

They don’t (and shouldn’t) get credit too often, but Meltzer and Alvarez’s latest podcast has a great point about the “bodybuilders” thing. Guys like Mysterio and Foley are aberrations: the exceptions that prove the rule. HHH couldn’t get his shit together for five years and would’ve been let go had he not been big enough. Eventually HHH got really good in 2000/2001 (and immediately stopped in 2002), so he worked hard and “made it” but also had Vince McMahon in his corner. That’s like the pro wrestling version of white privilege. My family works hard and is successful, but might not be as successful with darker skin pigmentation. HHH worked hard and became successful, but would be fighting Abdullah in the armory had he not juiced up. The bodybuilder fetish is a real thing, and why Mason Ryan and Titus O’Neil are on last week’s Superstars instead of UltraMantis Black and Frightmare.

So while Punk tries to push buttons and effect change, Trips tows the company line and makes sure Punk doesn’t get another word in. Looking at the program as purely fictional wrestling characters, it’s interesting, but it gets scary when you know these are actual men stating their actual beliefs. Punk, no matter how hard he tries, can’t effect change unless Vince or Trips has a legitimate change of heart. Colt Cabana still isn’t hired, bodybuilding FCW clones still aren’t fired, most belts are still worthless, Kelly Kelly and John Cena still refuse to challenge the audience. It’s going to be that way forever, or at least till ratings dip even more and the WWE pulls out all the stops, then fires all the great guys after they’re in a stride again.

If we’re going to get an elaborate storyline about improving the company, the company had better be improved. Dropping “Paul Levesque” or calling Stephanie McMahon a whore could be fine fluff surrounding the main plot, but now it’s the whole plot and it feels tacky and worthless. I’d much rather be watching that 45-minute draw between CM Punk and Fire Ant.

09.13.11 at 5:40 pm

king raccoon

RAW is the only show EVER to be brand new every week all year (Did You Know?!?) They can’t all be good. and if the build up is that HHH has only wrestled once in 2011, you can’t show him being physical (besides a punch here or there) before the big match. I don’t understand when people had such high expectations of wrestling. There are no Best and Worst of Days of Our Lives articles.

09.13.11 at 5:44 pm

Malorie

Clearly Alberto got wind of Ricardo’s FCW interview and this was his punishment.

God bless AJ for continuing to be on my television/this website intermittently in some kind of role.

09.13.11 at 5:52 pm

Methusael86

They should’ve just played Green Day over a “DID YOU KNOW?” graphic that read “WWE IS THE REASON AMERICA IS STILL A COUNTRY”.

Awesome :)

09.13.11 at 5:56 pm

Ross

Final segment was stupid in numerous ways – almost TNA-stupid, with all the insider worked shoot crap that goes way over 70% of the audience’s heads, and that all online sheet writers would be crapping on for doing just that had it happened in the Impact Zone.

However, I thought the final minute or so was great, and pretty much what they should’ve been talking about 3 weeks ago, as opposed to Kevin Nash, texting, and people’s knees. They condensed about a month of total bullshit into ‘I dislike you and don’t trust you, let’s punch and kick each other to death’. Sadly, they’ve taken the sting out of the whole thing by creating an unnecessary circus of nonense around Punk, turning him from a rebel into a crybaby who let an old man with a half-shaved upper lip get under his skin.

09.13.11 at 6:03 pm

BRuth

Keep up the good work. I caught the last 10 minutes of the show and unfortunately wasn’t surprised to see men on mics instead of a match. I was, however, surprised that Nash didn’t intervene like he will at the PPV per Stephanie’s request.

09.13.11 at 6:18 pm

The CEOO

Great article as always. And you’re right, What the f**k did happen to the Indians??

09.13.11 at 6:26 pm

Chris

I also appreciated the New Jack / Beyond The Mat reference. That line sticks in my head more than the Jake The Snake emotional agony stuff.

09.13.11 at 6:35 pm

Slideshow Bob

i thought the final segment between CM and HHH was well acted, but it really made me think of the episode of South Park that they did about wrestling, about how its really just a opera at this point.

great as always Brandon.

09.13.11 at 6:38 pm

Men's Roller Derby Champ

Awesome Best Worst again, Brandon. Cena sucks.

09.13.11 at 6:50 pm

cyberPilate

This is a terrible thing to say, but you all know someone who isn’t funny and doesn’t have the best of social graces, but that one time told the most absolutely hiliarious joke you and your friends had heard in a long time. A combination of working hard and just the right moment made the socially-stunted guy the life of the party.

Then the next week he tries out that same joke and the circumstances aren’t aligned anymore and it’s not funny. But he tells it again and now it’s tedious. He keeps telling it because he thinks the words are what made everybody like him but it was the social surroundings and timing that got him over. Now he just tells the same damn joke and you’re so annoyed.

CM Punk, please do something new.

09.13.11 at 6:56 pm

Omar

Its a pretty common thing for Mexicans to hire illegal Canucks to do our lawn… they are always going on about their ‘curling’ and ‘hokey’…

Maybe thats just my family?

09.13.11 at 7:18 pm

Brad Curran

I don’t really care about anything else that happened in that last segment, because Punk smacked Triple H with the mic and we got the noise it makes when that happens, which will never not be one of my favorite things about wrestling ever.

09.13.11 at 7:29 pm

TSL

Here’s what bugged me this week: Who the heck was Kelly Kelly looking at while talking to Vicki backstage? She would briefly glance Guerrero’s way, and then return to this weird, “not looking at the camera but not looking at her opponent” isometric view. I couldn’t tell if she was reading cue cards, had to “look up” like a little child does when trying to remember something, or was secretly playing RC Pro-Am.

09.13.11 at 7:31 pm

C. J. Bradford

I was long last week, so I’ll make this short
-John Cena has no clue what to do, or WWE has no clue what to do with Cena. Either way, ADR deserves better.
-If you ever need someone to do Best/Worst of Miz/Truth, I am right here. It will be all Bests, and it will be AWWWWESSOOOOOME!
-Did the 9/11 tribute need to be that long? I’m not really complaining, just wondering if they could have done better/different
-Yeah, that whole ending sucked. CM Punk got huge because of that one rant, so they keep trying to capture lightning in a bottle. They need to time feuds better with the PPV’s, so they don’t have these fill in bits during the main events.

Great work, and we’re gonna miss you over the next few posts.

09.13.11 at 7:33 pm

C. J. Bradford

/John Cena is an idea man, but the ideas all come from the script

09.13.11 at 7:46 pm

Brutus Ballsack

I would pay Kelly Kelly to rub her ass in my face. I’d pay a lot.

09.13.11 at 7:50 pm

CaneDewey

You did your best. It was a terrible episode and the last segment was pathetic, though I did enjoy the last few seconds.

Come back in two weeks with a vengeance.

09.13.11 at 8:12 pm

Thankful for Polka-Dots

I’m really sick of the CM Punk/HHH plot. If it had been about 3 weeks shorter, it might have been ok, but it doesn’t make much sense now. I get this strange feeling like CM Punk is going to beat HHH, HHH is going to get “fired”, CM Punk is going to get “injured” and they’re going to make him the COO or something. A “You wanted to run the company? You run the company.” sort of thing.

The worst thing that could happen would be if they made Punk form a mega stable, and then have HHH form a mega-stable and then it would become NWO/WCW again and would make me stop watching wrestling again.

09.13.11 at 8:40 pm

M4G3RK

@TSL

I noticed that too, lol! It was like 3 lines though. Surely, she wouldn’t need queue cards for that…oh wait, it was Kelly Kelly.

Also, let’s start a pool on who is gonna come out and fuck with Hugh Jackman next Monday. I personally think Hornswaggle should come out dressed as Puck and demand he rejoin Alpha Flight.

I forgot to thank Brandon in my last comment so, good work B-Stro!

09.13.11 at 8:44 pm

John Chimpo

Another awesome, well thought out article. These are becoming alot more entertaining than the actual show as of late. Based on the last several weeks,if I skipped Raw and just read this article, I wouldnt feel like I missed out.

Also, Miz and Truth are like the Pryor/Wilder of the WWE. Pure unfiltered awesome.

Also, I’m also still waiting for those ice cream bars. Those were the fuckin bomb! Keep up the great work!

09.13.11 at 8:49 pm

John Chimpo

Also, Sheamus has always seemed like the guy you’d wanna go get a pint with. Even when he was a heel, i found something very likable about him, and not just the fact that he was embarrassing John Cena every week. I’m glad to see the crowd finally coming around to liking him more, because he deserves it.

09.13.11 at 8:52 pm

brotz13

I had to go to Wikipedia mid-show last night to confirm that Mark Henry was indeed ECW Champion, and more to the point that he had never won the world title on Smackdown. While there, I learned that he was trained by Bret and Stu Hart…is there video of this? If not, why the hell not? I want to see 120-year-old Stu Hart stretching Mark Henry.

09.13.11 at 9:09 pm

Gavin

Read every week and this is the first week that the column felt forced and not very good. Maybe it’s because you are going on vacation and just wanted to get it done, maybe it’s because the episode wasn’t very good or maybe it’s because your thoughts are pretty much the same every week and are becoming redundant. I think having guests writers will be a good thing as it will give us some fresh perspectives on things.

09.13.11 at 9:15 pm

Brandon

@Gavin – I appreciate the criticism. It is extremely hard to say something new when everything over the last three weeks has been nothing but complete retread.

09.13.11 at 9:11 pm

Hfff

Miz and Truth can do no wrong.

09.13.11 at 9:35 pm

Jason RL

I’d have to agree with the guy that said earlier that there isn’t much to work with from this episode of Raw, so the column suffers for it, but ONLY because Raw was so bland. AJ is hot the end.

09.13.11 at 10:05 pm

Fran Tarkenton

Yeah, yeah, great article, but how is nobody shitting on the pro-designated hitter stance on page 2? I kind of black out raged after that. Why am I covered in blood? Whose finger is this?

09.13.11 at 10:11 pm

Brocky

So mysterio did juice so they’d give him the title?

09.13.11 at 10:15 pm

Brute Cadberry

Great writing, Brandon… looking forward to more of your posts. Wish they would ban anyone over 40yo from the ring… hate to see the likes of Lawler, Flair, Hall, Nash, etc. tarnish their reps. I mean, when you physically can’t move anymore, call it a day! (even us old guys don’t want to see old guy wrestle) The only thing that could’ve made me happier would have been for Truth to call out “BoomBoomBoom” in unison with the referee count as Kofi was being pinned by the Miz. Now THAT would have been GOLD!

09.13.11 at 10:24 pm

Kate

“Do you know what John Cena’s real name is? It’s John Cena.”

This/Truman Show references are blowing my mind. I’ve really been sucked into WWE because of Best/Worst – my husband is happy and a little weirded out. Thanks.

09.14.11 at 12:34 am

Mack

awesome as always.

thanks for recognizing that the apex predator isnt an apex predator and doesnt have arms or legs. made it for me

09.14.11 at 12:37 am

Jacktion!

Boy, if Lawler had just started his feud with Mike and Dave a few weeks earlier, he could have been tag team champions with virtually any other WWE superstar. Bad timing, Jerry.

Bret Hart is the Excellence of Cargo Shorts.

Juan Cena bilingual.

09.14.11 at 12:41 am

Matt Swett

“I don’t see him as Denzel, but I see him as Denzel’s buddy ” —Beyond the mat?

09.14.11 at 1:34 am

daboome

I miss the WCW. It made the WWE much better.

09.14.11 at 1:37 am

Alex

I think it’s true, the column started in that couple of weeks building up to MITB where everything seemed fresh and exciting, and then Triple H and Kevin Nash show up and it’s boring and dumb. Forget you know wrestling is fake. Does this stuff excite you? Do you enjoy not knowing what they’re talking about? Using real names was dumb in 1999 and it isn’t any more interesting 12 years later. WWE needs to stop copy/pasting segments from week to week.

09.14.11 at 1:48 am

RG

I really thought this weeks raw was good even though I was switching between mnf(raiders FTW) I wish they would have had a better match for ADR. And when are they gonna have a match between Alex Riley and John Cena in a test your might type of thing where they see who can smash through the most brick walls with their shoulders, seriously though why are they force feeding us A-Ri.

09.14.11 at 1:56 am

Mark

Lodi and Mr. Ass Gay

/Hope that’s better than “John Cena Gay”

//Love this feature

09.14.11 at 4:05 am

Stu Finkle

A little mention should be given to Ricardo’s introduction before his match, he put on a great performance of ‘ring announcer who is afraid for his life… in Spanish’

09.14.11 at 4:05 am

Joseph A

I hate HHH. I have no hope for where this is going. More than anything, I hate how much CM Punk has been mediocre and redundant in this feud, almost as if he had to lower himself because Trips couldn’t hang. I will be glad when this is over in 39 months.

09.14.11 at 4:18 am

Dave

I forgot to mention before that Rey Mysterio

09.14.11 at 4:19 am

Dave

I forgot to mention before that Rey Mysterio spending two years moving like a turtle is the funniest (and most accurate) thing.

09.14.11 at 9:40 am

Doctor Awesomus

It’s impressive to me how they managed to take a singular moment, when people beyond the now-standard wrestling audience suddenly poked back in and went, “Whoa, did Punk just make wrestling awesome again?” and not only hammer it into the ground into a fine red mist, but use that “outsiders are watching” talking point as part of the hammer.

It’s exactly like going to a high school reunion, running into your ex-girlfriend from a decade or two ago, hooking up and having fantastic sex, then moving in with her and realizing that the reasons you broke up with her are STILL THERE.

Except I mean without the sex. Because no one in wrestling has sex.

Besides John Cena, who is gay.

09.14.11 at 9:58 am

Philip

What gets me mad is that you can spend a great amount of time writing a great article explaining why something really works, like for example R-Truth and The Miz, but that at any moment WWE could take it all away cuz they have no brains. You (uniquely on the internet) do them a great favor by both explaining why what is happening is great AND giving constructive criticism. Things they and heck, humans in general need to have.

09.14.11 at 10:12 am

Matt

Thank you for continuing to include AJ pics each column for no raisin. I think the entire site could be improved by adding AJ pics to articles that have no bearing on wrestling whatsoever, for that matter.

I was gaining hope that the WWE was changing direction and making real changes, but now it seems like they’ve backslid into the same stagnant murk they wallowed in for years. Get a good thing going with CM Punk? Kill it with whining and boring talk segments. Turn the divas division into real wrestling showcasing actual talent? Kill it with Kelly Kelly, the world’s most adorable honey badger. Got real potential to bring tag team matches back and make them relevant? OK, they haven’t killed that yet, but they haven’t made much progress either.

I sometimes wonder what exactly the WWE writing team does to achieve these results. Do they just nod their heads like dippy birds to everything Triple H and Vince say to do? Do genuinely good ideas get dismissed or trashed as undoable? Are there any good ideas back there at all?

My wishlist for WWE, which will go unnoticed by said entity, is not outrageous:

Less talk (specifically, less Cole)
More tag matches
More meaningful title runs and title challenges
More female matches with actual wrestling
Less gimmick matches and feuds with announcers
More Daniel Bryan

I’d be happy if even ONE of those things happened.

DASS MAH BOY D-BRYAN!!

09.14.11 at 10:23 am

waltersobchak

So in your interpretation of the new Cena as The Truman Show, who is equal to Truman’s father who shows up? My choice would be tha Trademarc, for awfulness purposes.

09.14.11 at 10:32 am

JohnnyBoy

Yeah… I only picked on this page for the girls name. Help a brother out.

09.14.11 at 10:54 am

Brandon

@JohnnyBoy – Even the smallest amount of skimming could probably help you out.

09.14.11 at 10:58 am

Ragingape

Yeah this was an off week which made it seem like more of a chore for you. Still good but less enthusiastic than normal.

Space Jam is still the best nickname. AJ is still cute.

09.14.11 at 11:06 am

Trehern

Another great entry, but we need more jokes about how JR wants to kill himself during his announcing lol

09.14.11 at 11:44 am

Jade

“That’s what the American League tends to do to the National League (pitchers batting is the “Doink” of baseball, a thing that seems stupid and IS stupid, but started off as a great idea). ”

THIS. SO this. As I tell my husband all the time, “No one pays good money for a ticket so they can watch a pitcher flail at a ball.”

Love the rest of the baseball analogy as well; you nailed it as always, my friend. :)

09.14.11 at 11:47 am

LeadershipByXample

i wish you wouLd.

09.14.11 at 12:04 pm

Brute Cadberry

I know it’s old news, but instead of “Air Boom,” how about “AirAirAir BoomBoomBoom” or “Bouncy Smiley?” god, I’m hatin’ just the sight of these guys.
The current floundering does make one curious about the writing process. One thing that would help… less mic time for EVERYBODY. Just started watching wrestling again (it’s kind of a “relapse” and, yes, there’s self-loathing), and that hideous Kane/Undertaker exchange/staredown of a couple years(?) ago seemed to make time stand still. Unbearable. TNA… same thing. For awhile TNA and one of the WWE shows had the same start time. In switching back and forth, WWE would be moving on to their 2nd match while the TNA show was still having what resembled a town meeting in the ring. Entertainment… I think not!

09.14.11 at 12:21 pm

Keith

I understand the argument against the DH, but the negative effects of having it, to me, are worse than extending the careers of dudes like JI

JIM THOME. The DH changes the pitchers’ approach to the point where AL pitchers work SOOOOOOO SLOWLY. I’d rather not watch Andy Pettite stand there stoically on a mound taking 50 hours to pitch to the leadoff hitter, thanks.

09.14.11 at 12:49 pm

Matt

Would also like to note as a Best, or at least very entertaining: Ricardo’s nonverbal attempts to avoid having to fight, then later his resignation and attempts at preparation for what is certain to be an asskicking. That was funny, and all credit to Rodriguez for making it funny. I just hope they let him continue doing his thing, and don’t try to pair him with Santino cuz two funny foreigners is twice as funny, hyuk hyuk!

09.14.11 at 12:54 pm

Omar

So, Ricardo Rdz. was an independent wrestler from Cali? Huh…

09.14.11 at 1:04 pm

AudeSapere

1. If the Indians are WCW during that same period, who’s Thome’s analogue? Eddie is Omar Vizquel, Benoit is Matt Williams… I’d say Jim Duggan if Hacksaw hadn’t been chiefly worthless from 1988 onward.

2. I want to see Laurinaitis and Trips and Teddy and the Raw GM laptop arguing in a stalemate when who should kick down the door and assert his authority but THE AMERICAN GLADIATOR MIKE ADAMLE.

3. The TKO is only awesome on video games when the fireman’s carry is dropped into a sit-out stunner and it looks like the victim’s neck is broken. A brief survey of YouTube reminds me that Marc Mero sucked even more than I remember, even if he did have a reasonably nice shooting star press.

4. I like Kofi well enough, but you’re completely right about nearly all of his matches being interchangeable. He’s been wrestling in the WWE for nearly four years, and the only specific things I can recall from him are 1) using the broken ladder as stilts during MITB, 2) boom-dropping Orton through a table off a ledge that one time he got really angry, and 3) Trouble in Paradising himself right into a Wasteland to lose the IC Title.

5. I’m not sure where this Lawler/Not Really Nexus angle is headed either. Like you say later in the article, it’s pretty obvious that wrestling isn’t a “real” sport and it’s pointless to complain about it, but it would be nice if they at least tried to act like it is sometimes. That means not constantly saying “business” and “industry” like HHH and Punk did at show’s end, and it also means Jerry Lawler not evaluating opposing wrestlers/tag partners based on “charisma”. “Man, that Heath Miller is technically a pretty good tight end, but he totally lacks charisma, Bob. I don’t know why the Steelers wasted a draft pick on him!”

6. I wonder if Otunga ever sits around thinking, “Aw man, my neck hurts, I hope it’s not a permanent injury. I’ll have to retire from the ring… and fall back on my J.D. from the best law school in the nation and millionaire Oscar-winning wife. Bad-ass.”

7. Hahaha oh man, Jackie Gayda. My favorite part is when she sells getting shoved off the second rope onto her feet by wobbling and doing The Swim in place like Chubby Checker is right outside the ring.

8. I almost put Bobby Lashley on that list, but he held the ECW Title back when they were still pretending that belt was important and Lashley was omnipresent in the upper midcard. By the time Chavito was losing to Kane in four seconds and Ever-Grinnin’ Mark Henry w/ Crazy Ramblin’ Tony Atlas gave up the belt to f*cking Matt Hardy, it was only a matter of time before Big Zeke got his grubby Guyanese mitts on it.

9. Excellent as always, despite the uninspired source material. More front-page AJ pictures plz, because they appear as the thumbnail picture for the article at the bottom of every page and that makes me happy.

09.14.11 at 1:11 pm

ThatMaskedMan

The thing about the McGillicutty/Otunga thing that made me laugh the most was how both rebuttals had nothing to do with the accusation.

“You have no personality!”

“Yeah, well, I graduated from Harvard!”

It doesn’t even make sense.

09.14.11 at 1:25 pm

Kevin Ryman

The AJ pic ruled, much like last week’s. More of her when you get back, alright?

CM Punk’s character has completely lost his edge. He’s become a toothless, boring version of the guy who turned the wrestling world on its ear prior to MITB. Hopefully the storyline will take an interesting turn at NOC and be reinvigorated but I just don’t see it happening. Predicting a HHH victory via swerve assistance from Nash. Cody Rhodes beating Orton was pretty sweet and I like R-Miz a lot. Beyond that, a bad RAW.

09.14.11 at 2:09 pm

Stu Finkle

Also RE: the ECW title

A dude killed himself rather than be ECW champion.

09.14.11 at 2:29 pm

Panther Joe

Come on Stroud, AJ Lee isn’t even on Raw. Stop with the pandering (not really…I’d play fantasy football and Words With Friends and watch chick flick and bad action movies with her all day, every day).

Great job noticing the command of power being used as a lazy tool to just shoehorn whatever match or event seems appropriate. I can accept that from little ol’ Impact, but I totally expected a little tighter writing from this crew, who all but confirmed that they dropped the ball on the Anonymous GM and sent that ship sailing.

I hope in a couple of months they reveal the GM to be a superfriends coalition of Vinny Mac/Lauranitis/Teddy Long/Mick Foley/Kevin Nash/Vickie and maybe some Todd Grisham for a cross over effect.

09.14.11 at 3:43 pm

FramersMain

-I’ll admit that I stopped watching when Orton came out and said, “I’ll wait for Brandon’s column…”

-There are basic story telling problems, basic writing problems, with the WWE product that get larger as the story drags further. Simple character defining actions, expressed character wants, subtext, conflict where the status quo is shattered.

Or, we can just do the same goddamn thing everyweek and try to make something a _thing_ so you’ll get nostalgic for it in 3 months.

I love Punk, Miz, and Cena, but man, there’s a lot of wasted airtime with them.

-Worst of the night: If you’re a sportslike institution talking about “winner’s purses” in one segment, you SHOULD NOT HAVE NONRING STAFF IN THE RING. Ricardo and Vicki should not be in matches, period.

09.14.11 at 4:59 pm

Panther Joe

Additional best for those AJ calves….wait…what? No one else here is a calves man?

Great recap as always – I actually read these instead of subjecting my eyeballs to Raw every week. Subjecting my eyeballs to AJ, on the other hand… totally different. I would watch three hours of her making lunch and like it.

You’re dead wrong about the DH, but hey, nobody’s perfect. At least I don’t care that you’re a vegetarian, right?

09.14.11 at 6:55 pm

Stuart Scott's Left Eye

As a person who doesn’t know anything about wrestling except that Super Fire Pro Wrestling X Premium on the SNES is fucking amazing, your posts about Raw make me actually want to watch it. I would follow through on that but my body reacts to flipping the channel to Raw with having me hit myself in the nuts.

09.14.11 at 10:50 pm

MIZ KO

well that sucked i came from the john report where they recommended this crap i thought it would be good since somebody from the john report gave you props but maybe you should take some tips from them truly great writers

09.14.11 at 11:10 pm

mike

i feel misled, i came here for some more pics of the chick. wtf

09.14.11 at 11:14 pm

Brandon

@mike – Click through all the pages, there are tons more, you just have to find them.

09.14.11 at 11:42 pm

Corey

I’ve been reading Best and Worst of Raw for a few months now. I agree with a lot you have to say (Alberto Del Rio being all around money, the greatest of the Truth/Miz teaming, etc.) and I disagree with a lot you have to say (I think Daniel Bryan is a big ol’ sack of meh, and I do realize this may mean we can’t be friends). But agree or disagree, this is the first time I’ve felt compelled to comment. I’ve gotta say, I disagree with the analysis of the Trips/Punk face off. I certainly agree that this feud has had some missteps and had lost some steam over the weeks, but I thought this confrontation put things back on track. Great mic work from Punk, very solid work from Trips, and Punk back to seemingly like he was legitimately angry and had a real reason to be, and back to Punk being a man with a real and defensible position that he believes in and is passionately willing to fight for. I thought this segment was easily the highlight of the night and the best work on this feud since Pre- Summer Slam. For the first time in weeks, a segment has really grabbed me and made me viscerally want to see what happens next rather than just hope it will still be good because I’m a fan of the men involved. Anyway, there’s my 2 cents for the night.

09.15.11 at 4:04 am

Pago

I just came here to say that your column from the past 3 weeks has me watching wrestling again. Thanks alot!

09.15.11 at 10:21 am

Andrew Johnson

Top marks.

09.15.11 at 11:51 am

Diego McCafferty

great column, once again

09.15.11 at 12:19 pm

escrew7

brilliant write up b

never give up!!

09.16.11 at 7:34 pm

Miso Whore Knee

And you get a comment! And YOU get a comment! And you get a comment..

09.17.11 at 9:48 pm

Heath Slater Rocks

Benny Harvey R.I.P. Miss you, big man.

09.20.11 at 2:50 am

PONYE

SHIZZ THEN HAAAAAA
PEEP BIKINI INSPECTOR HAAA

10.05.11 at 9:19 pm

gkfflgsoat

You favorite wrestler John Morrison’s T-shirt is the deal of the day on wwe.com. Hurry before they run out.