Saturday, January 30, 2010

If you know me, you know I have an issue with my memory. I have trouble remembering yesterday all the way to my youth. So this, is to document what I do remember...

I remember giving birth to Lola, and I remember calling my dad to tell him about her arrival. He didn't come that night, he didnt want to run into my mom, but he did come the next day. Jim had left to get a little rest, shower and bring me a few things. Ange was not there, Mom was not there. I was alone, with lola, and I was so tired. I was emotional. Sad that no one was there. Daddy walked in. I was so relieved. (I wish I would have told him that.) It was just me him and our new Lola. Reminded me of when he was there when I delivered Giselle. The difference.... He was in the delivery room for Giselle.
But not Lola. Per my request.
Daddy held her. He saw I was tired. He saw I needed help. He recognized I needed him. He took her. He sat on the over-sized chair they call a couch-bed. He told me to sleep. He told me "you rest, take a nap baby, I've got her." I rested. Couldn't really sleep. I was in pain, ecstatic he was there, excited about my new child, and worried he was fucked up all the same time.
Nevertheless, all was well. I closed my eyes for about an hour. Listened to her sweet sound and daddy soothing her. Feeling the pain in my neck and the warmth of the heating pad the nurse was so kind to give me.
He didnt stay long. He needed to pick up the kids from school. I understood. He saw I was in pain. He asked how long it had been since I had pain meds. I told him, "To long, but I have to wait 6 hours." He quickly offered two vicoden and a soma. While I thought, "that is a good combo at a time I need to make milk" but I just said thank you, pretended to take them and thanked him for coming.
He came to check on me twice at home with in two weeks. Once alone and once with Flor and the kids. I wanted him to stay longer. I wanted him there more. I wanted more visitors. And he knew that. But I wanted just him. Not Flor, not his new kids. Just my daddy. Selfish, I know, but that is what I needed.

That's it. My memory. I want to keep them fresh. I want to remember them. even if they were his worst days.

Monday, January 18, 2010

We are trying to get her to sleep through the night. Day one. Score. Day two. Fail. Day three. Success. So we will see what tonight brings. Details in another separate blog.

Vocabulary. We are working with her all day with simple words. Commands. Animal sounds, and so on. She understands most common commands we use with her. It is exciting when she vocalizes something new. We show her enormous praise when there is a new revelation.

Individual play. Lola has come a LONG way with individual play. She was and always has been very attached to me. I don't know if this has anything to do with my "baby wearing" or not. I could care less if it did. I just know she didn't do well if I left the room. Or even left the floor to sit on the couch. She now is gradually able to play and explore for about 5-15 minutes alone. (with me directly near by, duh)

Table manners. Lola and I sit for breakfast and lunch together and then dinner with daddy and sissy at our big family dinner table every day. This is the way a family should eat. We are trying to teach her good eating habits. We want her to be an exploitative eater. I feel we are doing a great job thus far. We eat from scratch most of the time. She loves things such as, mushrooms, tomatoes, broccoli, celery, onions, carrots, hummus, chips, but not avocado. Ha... I don't know why. We are trying to teach her not to throw her food or her drink on the floor. I think this is going well.

More to come. ...... What is on my extended list.. Social skills, more vocabulary skills , and learning while in the moment.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

I have been thinking about my dad a lot lately. I just checked his email. There were none of importance. Noone that might have written him, not knowing he was dead. No one just sending one for their own cathartic release. Just junk mail. It makes me feel guilt. It makes me feel lonely for him. I feel regret for not sharing more of my recent life with him. While he consistently asked me to spend more time, give more effort and be closer to him and his family. I think of how alone he really was. I wonder how often he spoke to people other than his household or his mother. I wonder how often he thought of me, or my children, or my ridiculous young adult mistakes that he was so disapproving of.

I remember my last conversation with him. I needed some one to watch Lola so that I could join in on a field trip with Giselle's class. Daddy had asked me months prior, in tears, to call him for help, to spend more time with him and to put him closer to my heart. So I did. (this was two weeks to the day that he went to the hospital)The conversation was short. He picked up, I asked about the children. The school year had just began. He shared with me that Angel had been having issues with discipline and the girls were adjusting well. This was Lea's first year in pre-K. He sounded ill. I asked him about this. He said the family was just getting over the FLU. They were all often sick with something. I asked what his plans were for the following day. He said he was going to get an MRI for his back. He had been complaining of pain since his auto accident in June. I never told him the reason I called. I think maybe if I did it would have given him a little warming in his heart. That I had thought of him again to call on for help. But I will not ever know about that. I then ended the conversation, like I always did, with suggestions of us getting together. (however due to my own issues, I really just never followed through)

Some time before this, Daddy watched Lola so I could run up to Giselle's school for a parent-teacher conference. It went well.This was his first time in years he had been with either of my children unsupervised. There were not any issues, unless you view him holding her in one arm and smoking in the other. I had major apprehensions letting my dad watch her unsupervised.

My issues included: His alcohol intakeHis smokingHis demeanor towards life in general. (which manifested in to a loud & vulgar tone, and abusiveness)

I wanted to tell him these things. I remember conversations with my sister on one of my emotional days feeling powerful and brave.

"I am going to tell him these things. I think if I do I will feel better. And maybe it will open his eyes. Maybe he will then understand."

I never told him. What If I had? Would it have changed anything? Would is had angered him? Would he had not spoken with me in a while? Would he have taken it to heart, opened his eyes? Would he had said that he would refrain from smoking in from of her? That he would drink less, get help? Would he have taken a step backward and looked at the way he was treating and talking to Flor and his children. Would he stop yelling?

Goddamnit. I am so angry that you cant go back in life. That we don't have a rewind button on life. No "deleted scenes" or "alternate endings" like on a DVD.