Who Fugged It More: Holly Valance vs Abi Clancy

The thing is, I am pretty sure I have a guess at who will win this one, but then again, Fug Nation can be full of surprises. So let’s get started on what Iron Chef would call “Battle Panty.”

First up: Australian singer and former Neighbors actress Holly Valance (who also appeared briefly on Prison Break as a Russian cohort of Wentworth Miller’s, if you were a fan of that show, which I sort of was, then wasn’t, then maybe was again, and then ultimately really was not).

If this dress really were Venetian blinds, as its fervent dream seems to be, then they’d be the light-diffusing kind — the one where putting them down doesn’t REALLY block out everything, but it gives you the IMPRESSION that it does so that you can go about your business making omelets without pants on, or whatever, and not be self-conscious about your hobby. Except I think in this case, a little self-consciousness might’ve been in order, because now I am intimately aware that her chest has been turned into a Denny’s short-stack. If I could add the visible belly-button into the breakfast metaphor, I would, but other than the awful “her coffee cup needs refilling” I couldn’t conjure one that made even a shred of sense. In sum: Check, please.

But can it beat this?

Abi here once attended the Pride of Britain awards, and I suspect that stuck with her, as she appears to be wearing this outfit as a way of saying, “Here. Look. BRITAIN WOULD WANT YOU TO SEE THIS.” Abi, a former Britain’s Next Top Model contestant who is now married to footballer Peter Crouch, just had a baby in March. Do we think this was hanging in her closet as her Inspiration Outfit? Like, “Dear Diary, I ate two yogurts and a grape today. Only six pounds to go until I wear the fringed lacy zipper! Kisses, Abi.”

As ever, this provokes intriguing questions. Is it a bra and panties with a lace overlay, or is it all one thing — like, the bra, the panties, the zipper, are all sewn into one garment? Either way, where does one find such a thing? The Hurlington Coat Factory?

I mean, obviously, this is patently absurd. She looks like one of those fingerless gloves Madonna wore in the ’80s, and which consequently I also wore, albeit only on very special occasions when I wanted to be as cool as possible (so, you know, not with my Girl Scouts uniform — although at the time I suspect I thought that one could not get any cooler). This is not what a rational human person would wear to do any rational human things, like walk, or sit, or drink, or eat, or socialize. So in theory, this should out-fug Holly’s any day. But then there’s this angle: Abi’s coatgerie is so far out there, that in a way it’s obviously doing EXACTLY what its maker intended, and it is thus not trying to pretend it is anything else. Whereas Holly’s is soft-core style masquerading as a dress. Given all that, which is worse?