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How do I handle my feelings of failure for not breastfeeding?

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I've tried exhaustively -- and unsuccessfully -- to breastfeed my baby. It was always a struggle, even after I got professional help. During my pregnancy I was so excited about the idea of breastfeeding. Now I feel like a failure, especially because of all the information out there about breast milk being best. What should I do?

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I breastfed my first child, six years ago, and now my second, who is 4 mos. With this one it felt like it was even harder to get started. It was very painful and he didn't learn to latch on correctly right away. I could cry every time he was hungry because of the pain, but I was determined. The truth is breastfed babies are generally healthier(less ear infections, breathing and digestive problems, and better immune systems). I think many women just don't have the support they need, and doctors are so quick to offer formula as a solution. Remember, it takes a good six to eight weeks to establish your milk supply and the more you supplement with formula, the greater you reduce your milk, thus it is not the best answer for having a low milk supply. Also, it can take time for baby to learn how to nurse properly, and although this time is hard on mom, it's also rerwarding. I got through it in the end, and to me it is always worth any and every sacrifice you have to make to make it work. There are certainly times when it is an impossibility, just make sure that is truly the case and use all your resources before you give up!

Don't feel bad. I had the same feelings with my fisrt baby. I nursed him for three months, but it was a struggle. He would latch on and suck a little, then pull back and scream. When he started to lose weight (just a few ounces, but still) I said that was enough. As soon as he was on formula he gained 2 pounds in 2 weeks and has been growing like a weed ever since. Now I have a 3.5 month old daughter and she seems to be a much better eater, she is gaining weight normally, so I will keep breastfeeding her for the time being. Maybe I will be able to keep it up till she is 6 months at least. Just do what is best for your baby, and remember, once the baby is on formula you will be able to share the joy of feeding her with your husband or the grandparents.

Try not to feel like a failure. I know what you're going through. We are told by doctors & other women that breastfeeding is best, and made to feel like evil monsters if we don't or can't breastfeed. But what some of those who breasfeed with ease don't seem to realize is, breastfeeding is NOT 'natural!' It is hard, painful, time-consuming to an overwhelming degree, and not every woman's body can do it. That's why there were wet nurses in the past!
I tried for 8 weeks to nurse my first daughter. I had every problem: improper latch, blistered & bleeding nipples, engorgement, low milk supply, mastitis. My milk didn't come in until the 5th day but my baby was hungry by day 3. When she started screaming & ran a fever we took her to the ER and found that she'd already lost a dangerous amount of weight. I was crushed and felt like a failure, just like you. The hospital put her on emergency formula supplement while I tried to get a good supply going through round-the-clock pumping with a hospital grade pump.
But my milk supply wasn't enough, forcing me to use more formula. Even though I was pumping every time my husband fed our daughter with a nutritional supplement system (to preserve her ability to latch on to my nipple), my milk supply would not increase to the level it needed to be. And then at about 7 weeks I got mastitus.
My OB called me at home and told me "It's OK to give up. Not everyone can breastfeed and you are not a terrible person if you just don't want to go through this anymore." She validated waht I was feeling, and I started to cry. But with a doctor's 'permission,' I went to formula and my daughter improved almost overnight. She cried less, slept better and gained weight fast.
With my second daughter, I vowed to try again, but when the same issues started up, my husband looked at me at 3 in the morning and said, "Why are you doing this to yourself? There's a can of formula in the pantry. Let's use it." And I did, and it felt right. I still feel twinges of guilt, but my two daughters are healthy, smart & happy.
I've forgiven myself for not having the perfect breastfeeding ability, and you need to forgive yourself too. You did your best, and that's what counts. Now just feed your baby a formula that works, hold & cuddle him/her, and feel your love for this child grow. You are still a wonderful mother.

I'm a mom of three and only breastfed my youngest so I have the experience of both breastfeeding and bottle feeding. I can tell you my older kids are perfectly healthy even healthier in fact than their breastfed peers. You tried your best and that's all you can do!!

Ana Lucia:
I had a lot of problems trying to nurse my first son..my second has been much better. My good friend bottle fed her first daughter because of similar problems and has since breastfed 2 sons. Both of our first children are happy and healthy and doing great! Relax and enjoy your baby and know that you care so much that you have given it your best effort. I love breastfeeding but I also know that there is nothing wrong with formula. Concentrate on yor child being happy. What makes you a good mother is how deeply you feel and care for his/her well being.

I know there is a lot of guilt out there when mothers do not exclusively breastfeed. Now I am a STRONG supporter of breastfeeding for many reasons, but mostly because that is why we were given breasts by God; however, I realize from personal experience it can be very challenging and some people have real medical problems that keep them from doing it. However, there is one particular subject I wanted to share some facts and feelings about because I see it is a common reason why women stop breastfeeding. Just so you know what I have been through before I say what I feel needs to be said, my son was a poor nurser from the day he was born. He wouldn't latch on to my breast and the hospital gave him formula and my expressed colostrum for the first week of his life. I was working with a lactation specialist who helped me to latch him onto the left breast, but he refused the right. I had extremely engorged breasts and had to consistently pump my milk every two to three hours around the clock. I cried almost every night because I was sore, exhausted, and had an overabundant supply of milk (I could pump between 6-7 ounces per breast.) When my son was two weeks old, my lactation consultant discovered he was "tongue-tied". In other words, the piece of skin attached to the bottom of his tongue (frenulum) was too short and he was having a difficult time pushing his tongue out of his mouth to latch on to my breast. An ENT snipped it (boy, this was hard to watch) and my son immediately latched onto my right breast. It took nearly a month to get him to accept the right breast regularly and 8 weeks to regulate my milk supply. But once this happened, breastfeeding was a wonderful, meaningful experience. I met and spoke with my lactation specialist for the first year of my son's life because I also had to deal with other feeding issues. Over this time I learned a lot from her which brings my to my main point: why you decide not breastfeed is your choice and your reasons are your business, but please, please do not let the belief that you cannot produce enough milk stop you from breastfeeding. Sound strange coming from a woman with an overabundant supply of milk? Well, this problem enabled me to learn about both sides of the spectrum. Only a very, very (around 2% up to 5%) small percent of women do not produce enough milk to sustain their child. If you seek the proper help (most hospitals offer lactation consultation) you can succeed if you think this is your problem. Take it from a person who felt there was some kind of conspiracy regarding breastfeeding and why women are not told how difficult it is before giving birth! You shouldn't feel guilty if you give your best to your children, but you also shouldn't feel like you have to go through the experience of breastfeeding without support. It took me 8 weeks, but it takes many women only 6 weeks to see whether or not they can succeed.

Dont feel bad! I know how you feel, I tried after having my son but it just didnt work out. Some babies just take to it. My daughter was an animal and I had no problems for 3 months. Just keep in mind that it is different with every baby, just cause it didnt work out, that doesnt make you a failure. If your so concerned with the health issues such as breast milk being the best, then pump your milk out and feed her that way. Just because your baby wont nurse doesnt mean that she cant have your breast milk. Good Luck!

Ok, I want you to go out into the street and look at all the people. Can you tell which ones were breast fed and which were bottle fed? I can't. Breast is only best when mum and baby are comfortable with it - if either is not then the stress and strain of trying unsuccessfully will only cause you both unhappiness. Bottle feed you beautiful baby and if anyone dares to criticise you, tell them to take a hike. All the best

Don't be so hard on yourself. One of the most important things to remember about having children is that you have to keep an open mind and realize that there isn't only one way to do things. What works for one mom may not work for you. I have 3 children (8, 2, and 2 1/2 months) and I chose not to breastfeed any of them. It was a personal choice that worked the best for me and my family. So many people have tried to make me feel like a failure for not nursing, but I just ignore them. I bonded just as well with my children as any nursing mom does, and you won't find any kids healthier or smarter than mine!!:)

i breastfed my daughter for about 7 weeks. during that time she wanted to nurse around the clock. she was a miserable baby who cried constantly. no matter how much she nursed she never seemed satisfied. it seemed that i did everything "right." she was gaining weight and had the appropriate number of wet and dirty diapers and yet it didn't seem like enough. once i began supplementing with formula she started to take a turn for the better. she is now a pleasant enjoyable baby. don't ever feel guilty for not breastfeeding. you tried your best which is the only thing a mom can do. keep up the great work!

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