Peter Costa: Snow blower has a mind of its own

Monday

Jan 31, 2011 at 12:01 AMJan 31, 2011 at 7:08 PM

My snow blower may be artificially intelligent. It acts as if it has an onboard computer that detects the exact second the repairman’s truck goes out of view. Then, with a digital accuracy that Steve Jobs would admire, it refuses to run at speeds higher than idle.

Peter Costa

My snow blower may be artificially intelligent. It acts as if it has an onboard computer that detects the exact second the repairman’s truck goes out of view. Then, with a digital accuracy that Steve Jobs would admire, it refuses to run at speeds higher than idle.

It surges and pants, whines and backfires. The golden retriever across the street is afraid of it.

The repairman’s last visit was like a visit from the Oracle at Delphi. I asked him why the snow blower was acting out.

“I don’t know. I have to tune it up first before I can tell you what’s wrong with it,” he said.

I thought, isn’t that like telling a patient, “I’ve got to do a heart transplant before I can tell you why you have chest pains?”

He warned me before he opened the rear door of his truck that it would cost me three figures for the tune-up. What option did I have? I said, “By all means, give it a tune-up.”

He changed the oil and installed a new spark plug. He noticed that one fourth of the auger wasn’t spinning because it had sheared a pin. He replaced the pin and put in 8 pounds of air in the tires.

He started the machine. It ran better but stilled stumbled and sucked air like a runner mid-way up Heartbreak Hill.

Now it was the repairman’s turn to ask questions. “Did you drain the gas, disassemble the carburetor bowl and wipe it out? Did you put fuel stabilizer in the gas tank? How old is the gas in there now? There are two very small pinholes in the carburetor assembly that need to be kept clean. Did you blow those clean with an air compressor?”

Does he think I’m a mechanic for the space shuttle? I should have said, “Yes, I did that and also defragged the hard drive that operates the dilithium crystal fusion reactor.” But I simply told him I just ran it until it was dry and put it away for the summer.

“Oh, well,” he said with a dismissive frown.

He finally gave a diagnosis. He said the snow blower would not run at 100 percent until he could get a new carburetor for it. This would take weeks, of course. I figure I’ll see the repairman again around August.

He put his tools away and went to the laptop computer that sat on a steel pedestal next to the driver’s seat in the truck. He entered serial numbers, part numbers, diagnostic notes, comments and observations. He even ordered the new carburetor via the laptop. At the end of all this data entry, he hit a key and a receipt as long as a tributary of the Mississippi River spurted out.

“Don’t lose this receipt because you will need it when I come back to install the carburetor,” he said.

Then, he started his garage on wheels and drove off the premises.

I turned to the snow blower that sat silently in the driveway. I’m sure it was smirking. I pulled the starter cord and it rumbled to life. I got behind it and released the clutch, and sure enough, it stalled. I literally choked it – that is, I put the choke lever on full and cranked again. It started and ran at about half speed. I was able to drive it back to the garage and turned it off

Across the street, the golden retriever wagged its tail.

Peter Costa is a senior editor with GateHouse Media New England and is the author of two books of humor. His latest, “Outrageous CostaLiving: Still Laughing Through Life,” is available at amazon.com

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