Thoughts of a Gypsy Heart. La vita è bella!

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Sometimes in our life we take chances. Sometimes these chances became broken pieces of glass we hold in our hands hoping that one day our hands wont feel the pain anymore.

I guess, there is nothing more terrible in this world than not knowing what to do. You took chances because you hoped that things can be made better- that you can make things right. There are times, however, that no matter how we try, no matter how good our intentions are, things do not go the way we want to and we have to let go- and that is the most difficult part : letting go of what hurts because what hurts has also made us happy.

To continue hoping or to let go is probably the worst type of confusion. Its so heavy, it tears me up. There are times I would rather sleep and hope I wake up in a different world with a different name under a new sun. Not remembering anything – but that woud be cowardice.

I pray for patience to endure and wisdom to understand. I held my head up high and looked up to the sky. Then I realized there were times when the sky is dark but most of the times it’s blue.. perhaps life is just like that. There aint no fairy tale and I got to be my own hero.. but first I must learn to let go of the broken pieces of glass that’s making my hand bleed..even if that means by letting go, my hands will be empty..

It has been a while since my last post. I went underground for many months! I guess its time for me to come back. 🙂

Truth is, I haven’t gotten the enthusiasm to write not until yesterday when my boss found this creepy and freaky blog of mine online. That I decided to check on this again. That was sick. I mean I let strangers read my posts even some of my friends but knowing that your boss might read your musings about your personal life, opinion, heartaches, dreams, the other side of you that’s strangely different from the version of yourself you present to your workplace- that’s totally sick. I’m gonna have a fever. haha

I lay there in a daze
watching you sleep
with thoughts racing in my head
as I was trying
to memorize your face.
I just wanted to hold you,
Wishing that I could show you how I feel
for it might be the last chance..
the last day together
one moment I would cherish forever
I know tomorrow
I'll be watching you walk away,
not wanting you to go..
but I must and I have to find the strength somehow,
To kiss your lips goodbye...-Poetrysoup

It took me a whole lot of time to realize why. And it was simple, laughably so. I am hard to love because I’m not the girl you fall in love with.

I’m possibly the woman you respect. The woman you admire. The woman you’d like to come home to. The woman who forces you to question perspectives you’ve been living with for years. The woman who rattles your preconceived notions of what YOU like. The woman you look at and wonder ‘how? How does she do that?’ The woman you look to for strength and support. The woman who makes you realize how large the world is, and can be. The woman you’d turn to when you need advice. The woman who makes a man out of you.

But I’m not the girl you fall in love with. I’m not the girl you want to spend hours with, just staring at each other. The girl you try so hard to get a smile out of. The girl whose hands you want wrapped up in yours. The girl who’s so beautiful, so delicate, that she makes you want to fight the world for her.

I’m not the girl you can protect from herself, because I’m not fragile enough to break at every step. I’m hardened, and I have battle scars that possibly mirror yours. I’m not ashamed of the marks, and blemishes, and bruises on my body and mind. They’re mine, and they tell my story. I won’t walk meekly, always a step behind you. I’ll walk with you. Push you, just as much as I push myself.

This makes me difficult to love, because you can’t wrap my love around yourself. No. You’ll have to bend, too, and that will chafe at you. Eventually, you might leave, just because you found a girl who makes you happy, instead of a woman who made you think.

I’m not the girl you fall in love with. I’m the woman you learn to love..

It’s the peak of summer season in my country and I was complaining because the weather’s too hot and how it triggers my migraine. And then every time I read news there’s this horrifying article about the ‘boat people’. Out there in the ocean are the Rohingya and Bangladeshi refugees. hungry..unwanted. homeless..was it religion that cause this great divide?

I don’t understand how some people can turn them away. Are we not all part( if not, most of us) of the United Nation and signatories of the many conventions, treaties and protocols relating to human rights and treating refugees? Therefore we must do our part in establishing a humane world for all of us. Even assuming that our country does not participate in the family of nations, it’s still so awful to think you can turn away destitute and oppressed people like these. I understand that there are always underlying political issues but the right to life is our fundamental right. Why are these people being deprive of it? it’s just so sick.

I hope they find their home soon. No matter what religion they have, what race, they are humans and they are all entitled to human rights…

This made me realize that I’m so much blessed with my life, even if it’s scorching 40 degrees what right do I have to complain? It would be a shame..