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psychlady, Counselor

Category: Relationship

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Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues

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Breaking Point

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<p class="MsoNormal">My Girlfriend and I have been together for almost one year. We fell in love with oneanother very easliy and fast, when neither one of us was looking for a comittment. Within the first three months I went to Afghanistan on a tour of duty with the Military for 6 1/2 months. I had build insecurities at no fault of my own and felt emotionless and at times felt unappreciated by her. Upon my return to Canada in Nov 2010 and after three days at work I had a month and half off for leave where I spent a lot of my time with my girlfriend and slept over her place. She knew there may be problems and that I would not be the same when I got back yet was not prepared for my cold ways at times. I went through a tough first few months back. We started to argue a lot over a lot of nothing because of my insecurities. I realized that I was doing wrong that this was the woman I loved and had to change my ways because we could not continue on this path and be happy. The Military did not allow me to see a social worker immediately when I got back and said I needed to be integrated back to Canada for at least a 3 months before I could set up an appointment which is totally wrong and should of been offered to us right away upon returning home. I live in a town about 4 1/2 hours away from where she lives but I make the trip down every time I am off. I thankfully through my own self-reflection recognized that I was wrong and sorry and did not mean to act the way I did and that there was no bad intentions nor were my words or actions abusive in a manner that was degrading, vulgar, physically, verbally, etc. The arguments we had never got out of control or loud. Just upsetting and confusing. I noticed she had put up walls and became distant. The physical contact and time we spent with one another started to lessen and lessen. She asked for some space and I have been doing everything she has asked and more. I have been so patient and have SHOWED her and told her that I am sorry and willing to prove to her that I am going to get some help with a social worker and SHOW her that I am sorry and never meant the things I said. She told me she is torn between her heart and mind. She wants her space yet still wants to be friends with me and we talk/text almost on a daily basis still as friends. I am trying to show her that I care and be a low pressure and trying to make her understand that I did hurt her and want us to take baby steps together. She tells me that she is findng it hard to forgive me because she has never been hurt before like this. She told me that she wants her space because she does not want to feel like she is betraying me, meaning that she told me that she wants to re-visit her past ex-boyfriends to apologize to them because she said I had opened a "pandoras box" Through my words she realized how harsh and cold she was to her ex-boyfriends and how she never considered their feeling and tore them apart not giving a crap about how they felt. She admitted to me that there is one ex in particular that she feels she needs to apologize because he was a good step dad to her daughter and good boyfriend to her. Break up between them was 5 years ago. They dated for three years. She said they lived under the same roof like a family for most of their relationship. She told me that she was selfish and broke up with him for her selfish reason because he did not have the stable job that could support a family doing security. So today I told her that I don’t know what to do because in one sense I fell emotionally exhausted showing her I care and want to take baby steps together to heal and move on and on the other part I feel know that I cant have any contact with her what so ever and that she should go and do what ever she needs to do before she feels she may or may not move on with me. It’s tearing me apart. She is crying a lot because in one sense she does not want to re-visit and stir the pot and cause Drama with her ex and she told me that she is scared that it might spark something if he wants her back still. On the other hand she wants to see him to apologize for how she just cut him off whether he excepts or tell her to “screw off”. She does not know what to do and actually asked me today "I don’t know what to do? What should I do" I paused and told her that I am not an expert and suggested to her that I try and setup a free appointment with a civilian social worker that works for the Military that may hear her story and give her the best opinion. I have two plans as it stands right now. Call her up and tell her to go and contact her ex and get everything off her chest. Two wait until I see if I can get a scheduled appointment for her to see a social worker and go from there. I really do love this girl and many people if they knew my story would tell me to run the other way however I feel that if you truly love someone you will do what ever it takes to make that person happy. Please Help. I at a critical point know and don't know how much longer I can hold on. I just cant see how I can remain having contact with her even as a friend to hopefully rebuild anything between us when she is telling me that she wants to re-visit past ex-boyfriends. It just doesnt jive with me and make me feel comfortable. I feel strunged along and like im second pick. She became upset and frustrated at me. Im starting to feel she is being selfish and not understanding to what I had gone through and not willing to give our relationship a deserving chance. Please Help. Thank You. 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First I know we are not supposed to give personal details, but I have a son who got back from Iraq about 18 months ago, and he is vaguely the same person. It added 10 years to his maturity and he now has mental health problems. So I am somewhat familiar with the issues you are describing. I am sorry that your relationship did not work out, but I urge you to not overcompensate for what you have done in the recent past. I realize you care deeply about her but you can't take ownership for everything that is wrong with the relationship. I also am very suspect to the pandora's box reason. You have to accept that she wants to contact her ex boyfriend and if she does so, she has a deep affection for him that has never left. I think you are going to get even more hurt by holding on while she tests her feelings with her boyfriend. She has even told you so in a round about way. The relationship is lacking something if she is even contacting him and she is putting you on the back burner until he decide your fate. Please wake up. You should find counseling for your return but be so eager to believe her. Seek a counseling and resolve your issues, but don't be vulnerable because that is the place you are in. Work this out with a social worker and try to think about what you want with her.

Thank you for your quick reply. So its safe to say that my thoughts that I cannot be her friend at this time because of the circumstances with her wanting to contact her ex is best, XXXXX XXXXX a last resort try and assist her by getting a social worker appointment for herself as well just as a caring gesture. If and after I can get this appointment for her ... I should move on, no contact, unless she decides to contact me at whatever point in the future.

What do you think? Im pretty sure this is the right track from what i am feeling and what you have told me.

You got it completely. I am glad that you are willing to look out for yourself. Do everything that you stated and if all else fails find someone who truly appreciates you for you. By the way, thank you for your service - a army mom

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