9 signs your spouse is a financial bully

Plus tips on what to do about it

Many
couples argue over money, but what if your spouse yells at you for
overspending, takes away your credit cards or even demands you turn over your
paycheck? Watch out: You might be married to a financial bully.

Experts
say financial bullying can have several causes, from desperation to get out of
debt, to anxiety stemming from past experiences, to control issues. "If somebody
is just using money for control, it's a huge red flag," says Brad Klontz,
financial psychologist and author of "Mind Over Money."

In a 2013 online poll
by CreditKarma.com, one in 10 American adults in committed relationships said they were being
financially bullied by their spouse or live-in partner.

Here
are nine pushy money behaviors that could signal a problem in your relationship. It
might be bullying if your spouse:

Chides
you for going over budget.
This is a common form of financial bullying, Klontz says. "Very often,
someone freaks out about spending." So, if you agreed to stick to a $100
grocery budget this week, then splurged on fine wine and filet, does that
give your mate the right to berate you? It's normal to get angry and feel
betrayed if your spouse breaks an agreement, he says. "But it's not OK
to yell and lecture and point your finger at the other person."

Divvies
up extra cash unfairly.
Each spouse should get an equal amount of discretionary money to use for
anything from gifts to going out to lunch to getting a new gadget, says
Mary Gresham, a financial psychologist who practices in Atlanta. So, when
the higher-earning spouse takes more than half of the disposable income,
it can be a sign of a control issue, she says. A bullying spouse might
say, "I earned it. It's mine. I'm going to feel free to play golf, but you
can forget about buying that new sweater," she says.

Controls
the credit cards.
Sometimes, a spouse might go overboard and take away the plastic to try to
rein in a seriously overspending partner, experts say. In that case, partners should talk to come to an agreement on when it's OK to use credit
cards -- such as for convenience purchases on gas or for discretionary
spending, says Katie Moore, a financial counselor for GreenPath Debt
Solutions. However, controlling the credit cards might be the behavior of
a domineering spouse. "When you take away the credit card, you take away
their access to money," Gresham says.

Belittles
you for the size of your salary. This type of criticism tends to come from wives who stick to
traditional gender roles, Klontz says. A woman who looks at life this way
might tell her husband, "It's your job to make money," he says.
Traditional roles are fine if both spouses agree, he says, but being rigid
about your views usually isn't healthy. When one spouse complains that the
other doesn't make enough, "I tell them to focus on themselves and increase
their own earnings," Gresham says.

Tries
to curtail your earning power. The flip side: Some spouses, often husbands with more traditional
views, try to prevent their wives from making too much money, says Klontz,
who has done research on women who make more than their husbands. So, for
example, a husband might discourage his wife from starting a business or
going to law school. "Very often, it's a man whose entire self worth is
wrapped up in his net worth," he says.

Demands
you hand over your paycheck. It's often the spouse with the bigger salary who can wield more
power over finances, experts say. But sometimes a spouse just takes
control, such as when one commandeers the other's paycheck. This is a
scenario Klontz has seen happen with both husbands and wives. "It's
terrible," he says.

Put
you on an allowance. In
some cases, a spouse who works while the other stays home -- or one who
makes more money or came into money through an inheritance -- might give
the other spouse an allowance. "Unless both of you are on an allowance,
this is a red flag," Klontz says.

Dictates
the details of your monthly budget. Sometimes one spouse manages the finances, and that can be
perfectly healthy, Moore says. However, in other cases, it can be "kind of
a negative thing that's going on." In some cases, a spouse will blame the
other for debts and just take over the finances, she says. Instead, she
recommends couples "look over the situation together and look for ways to
fix it."

Controls
the big money goals.
Maybe he stashes money in a savings account to fund his dream of buying a
boat, but pooh-poohs her wish to take a romantic vacation in Paris.
The healthy thing to do instead? Compromise. Says Klontz, "Agree to
disagree, but find an agreed-upon solution."

Being bullied over money? 7 tips
If your
spouse is displaying controlling behaviors around money, these seven expert tips
can help deal with the problem:

Ask
yourself: How bad is it?
In extreme cases, financial bullying can be a sign of an abusive marriage,
Klontz says. "The person might actually be in physical danger," he says.
If this describes your relationship, put safety first and get help from a
therapist.

Have
an honest talk. Maybe your spouse is just a bit overbearing. In that case, ask questions to find out what shaped their attitudes and beliefs toward money. "A lot of couples will have a dating history
conversation, but they never have a financial history conversation," Klontz
says.

Keep
an open mind. "You need
to be receptive to what you're hearing and not view it as ammunition for
later," Klontz says. Ask questions and try to understand, he says. Maybe
your wife grew up poor and is afraid of not having enough money. Or, perhaps your husband's workaholic dad died young and never got to enjoy life, and
that's why your spouse wants to spend now.

Talk
about your feelings.
Focus on how you feel rather than what your spouse is doing wrong. "You
can talk about feeling controlled and how bad that feels as opposed to
attacking your partner for being a control freak," Gresham says.

Get
money advice. If you're
at an impasse, it might be a good idea to meet with an expert such as a
credit counselor, especially if you're in debt, or a fee-only financial
planner. It's a good way to get an objective opinion, Klontz
says. "They might say, you can afford this, or you can't afford it."

Switch
roles regularly. Often,
one spouse starts out as a little more of a saver while the other is a
little more of a spender, Gresham says. A power struggle can polarize the
couple, causing each person to get more extreme, she says. One way to
solve the problem: put one person in charge of the monthly budget and
spending, while the other heads up long-term savings. Then switch
periodically, she recommends.

Seek
marriage help. Financial
bullying can damage a relationship, especially if it drags on for years,
experts say. The average couple fights about an issue for seven years
before seeking help, and that can do a lot of damage to the relationship. "I would encourage them to seek help sooner rather than
later," Klontz says.

And finally, if you're the financial bully, beware, because
it will come back to hurt the relationship and, ultimately, you, Gresham says. "You might get your way, but
it comes at a pretty big cost."

Published: March 7, 2014

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