If you’re old, chances are you’re also ugly. At least, that’s what Crystal Martin, Fashion & Style writer for the New York Times assumes. Martin’s article “How To Go Makeup-Free This Summer” reminds us that summer’s heat and humidity can make a makeup-laden face feel “oppressive,” which is part of the reason she’s compiled a sponsored list of treatments to help today’s woman-of-a-certain-age burn the ugly right off her face, just in time for pool season. Sounds exciting, right? But before we get to the fancy chemical lip peels and tricked-out tear trough corrections, Martin makes a point of advising in-market readers that “dispensing with makeup altogether isn’t necessarily realistic.” After all, dermatologists and quantum physicists alike have yet to discover the secret to bending back the arrow of time, so the best Martin can really do for those looking to shelve the war paint is float a disingenuous, somewhat insulting title, and hope we women buy into the dream.

So, makeup? No makeup? What is Martin really trying to say about the prospects of going makeup-free in summer? Here’s the trick: before going koo-koo bare face in the glaring light of day, when icky spider veins, dark spots and unsightly scars might potentially eclipse your value, you need to check yourself. In the mirror. That’s right, take a look in the mirror. Then, compare yourself to the many fashion magazines and beauty ads bombarding you on a daily basis. Do you measure up? Probably not. And that’s why God created blush, concealer, plastic surgeons, and the New York Times.

Feeling horrible and totally inadequate right now? Perfect. Slap on that foundation and give those sallow cheeks of yours a dab of fake flush, we’re about to take a look at a slew of pricey procedures which, in the end, have nothing to do with going makeup-free in summer.

Fade Horrendous Dark Spots

Brown and grey-brown patches on the face, or Melasma, is generally known as pregnancy mask. Unlike age spots and liver spots caused by UV rays, pregnancy mask is caused by a surge in estrogen and progesterone – a shameful event to be sure and probably why “How To Go Makeup-Free This Summer” targets pregnancy mask with its laser treatment recommendations and neglects dark spots potentially caused by Liver Disease, Addison’s Disease, Hemochromatosis and Pituitary tumours because, who cares? We’re concerned with appearances, not whether your dark spots might signal a potentially fatal disease.

The way to get rid of pregnancy mask is with a “RevLite” laser. There are no creams or ointments designed to extinguish the dark spot disaster, so, to rid yourself of pregnancy mask you’ll need to book several $750.00 sessions of RevLite treatments. Hurry up now and get that spotted face of yours in shape, because the last thing any newborn needs is to be confronted by a mom with Melasma.

(If, on the other hand, those dark spots are symptomatic of a dangerous or fatal condition, no amount of cosmetic interference is going to help, so….)

Erase Gross Redness

Redness on your lips is considered beautiful. Redness anywhere else on your complexion? Those are spider veins lady, and that’s just sick. Spider veins are a result of your anatomy making itself visible through your skin. Facial redness is also caused by Dermatomyositis, an autoimmune condition that can lead to skin ulcers, difficulty breathing, lung infections and myocarditis. It’s incurable, so let’s pretend it doesn’t exist and focus on those icky spider veins instead.

Spider veins can be managed by your local, V-Beam-equipped plastic surgeon, or your local Rhofade- equipped cosmetics dealer. Laser beams run between $300. – $600. per shot. Rhofade (oxymetazoline hydrochloride) costs $500. per bottle, and may cause Dermatitis (inflammation of the skin), worsening inflammatory lesions, and pruritis (itchiness), so basically this one’s a crap-shoot. You pays yer money, you takes yer chances.

Shrink Those Pores

Enlarged pores are the worst, right? So, what are your thoughts on having a pen with hundreds of little needles dragged along your face, puncturing your skin en masse to create tiny wounds in order to encourage skin cells to go into “repair mode,” make collagen, and hopefully tighten those fat bastards right up? It’s called microneedling, and, theoretically, it’s totally safe and painless. I say go for it!

Brighten Sunken Eyes

Concavity is the root of all that evil playing out under your eyes. Fortunately, there are a couple of cures for under-eye darkness, both of which will eventually leave you reaching for drugstore concealer in a sorry, broke-ass stupor.

The first line of attack against embarrassing dark circles is hyaluronic acid. By pumping 500 – 700 dollars’ worth of hyaluronic acid filler into the area under your eyes, your bottom eyelid and your cheek part will meet up like a glass globe: all smooth and shiny. On the other hand, should your dark circles be caused by too much melanin then tear trough fillers won’t do jack. What you need in this case is chemicals, and the patience of Job. Glytone Enerpeel Eye Peel is designed to fade excess melanin over the course of four treatments spread out over a month, at a cost of $32.00 per oz.

If, after all this investment and taking it in the eyes like a champ you find out your dark circles are simply caused by allergies, or an epic drinking problem, then someone owes you an apology.

Define and Shape What’s Left Of Your Aging Face

It takes a crap-load of light and dark tinted clay foundation to make your cheekbones pop like bananas on toast. Who needs that on a hot summer day? Instead of looking like a plate of breakfast, why not aim for today’s newest trend in face shapes: Madame Puppet Filler Face.

For a thousand dollars and change, a couple cups of semipermanent fillers wedged in-between your bones and skin can plump those cheeks like the mother of all water balloons. And, if you’re brave enough, you can triple-up on the semipermanent cheek inflation and suck the droop right out of those jowls. It gets better. Got a bump on your nose? Then tell your surgeon to pump a little extra juice into the bridge until it meets the height of your bump, and voila! Smooth as scaffolding. Once the swelling goes down you’ll be ready to go makeup-free on your cheeks and nose.

Enhance Brows

There’s no quicker way to brighten up your look than by accentuating your brows. By defining your brows you frame your face and open the window to your soul. But this article isn’t about philosophy, it’s about masochism. So put down that eyebrow brush and prepare to be sliced. Microblading (also known as eyebrow embroidery) is a tattoo process where you subject yourself to the possibility of blood-borne infection. The process takes between one and two hours, and involves slicing feather-like cuts into your brows while ink is being injected. The effects are semipermanent, so if your brows come out looking like a couple of long division symbols fear not. It’ll wear off, eventually. Hepatitis and HIV, on the other hand, might take a little longer to resolve. (Ok, a lot longer.)

Enhance Lashes

Want to look like Liza Minnelli? Then skip on down to your local lash studio where a couple sets of 1.6 centimetre synthetic polyester extensions should do the trick. At a cost of $150. every 60 – 90 days, you’ll be well on your way to Lizaland. Don’t get too lazy with this makeup-free option though friends, because once those lashes grow out things get a little funky on the lids. Wide-eyed Liza is one look, but drunk Liza is a whole other affair.

Have you considered your makeup-free face today, and its potential for traumatizing the people around you? With just a few pre-emptive chemical burns, injections, and surgical corrections you too can look as natural as a delicious bowl of wax fruit, wilting into oblivion on a hot summer’s day.