Sunday, March 13, 2011

How to be a Hit at Family Gatherings

(this article was originally posted on Lauren's photoblog the Daily Smut. We understand that the holidays are over but you will probably have to see your family before that.)

How To: Be a Hit at Family Gatherings

Ah, family. We love our families. We also love to not hear our families’ opinions on things like, say, smut photos, marijuana habits, our drinking buddies, the whores we sleep with and the idiots for whom we work. Here at The Daily SmutLogic According to Us, we know it’s important to keep your friends close and your family closer. Why? Inheritance, for one. Mostly, though, family is about love. We love to love* and suggest everyone else do the same. While The Daily Smut also acknowledges that the best way to lead a happy and fulfilling life is to stay true to yourself and be who you are (no matter what), sometimes it is absolutely to one’s benefit to shroud their horrific lifestyle from, say, Grandma.

*And yes, we use condoms****Sometimes

Not only does the holiday block fall during the coldest, bitchy-est, most frigid time of year, but it also all-but-guarantees increased attention from your family. (No wonder seasonal depression is so rampant — thank god*** The Daily Smut is here to save all the world’s tortured, sad souls.) I would also like to note that, for the duration of this article, the term “family” is meant to mean the extended family: aunts, unlcles, cousins, cousins-in-law, in-laws (shudder), nieces, nephews, neighbors that think they’re family, family friends you dislike more than any member of your extended family, etc, not just mom dad sister brother— the smaller demographics are much more manageable. Nay, here we are talking about family gatherings that make even the largest sack of weed seem too small. This also goes for OTHER families’ family gatherings to which you are invited (or your parents are invited and they have successfully forced you into attending.)

***Notice the lack of capitolization on “god”… this is mainly because Christmastime is the most tasteful time of year to go out of your way to irritate those who still think god impregnated a “virgin” jewess.

That said, I recently attended my grandfather’s 90th birthday party and, as usual, I was a smash hit. A smash fucking hit. This was not always the case, however. I too used to let my eyes roll freely at my ignorant aunt or pretentious uncle-in-law. I did not hesitate to let everyone know that I planned on having 4-too-many glasses of red wine at dinner so as to be able to stand the shitshow even though I was, say, sixteen (I’ve been fun for a while.) I full-on smoked cigarettes in front of my doctor relatives just to ruffle some feathers, inviting both criticism and the glorious parade of sarcarm-laden rebuttals that followed. Yeah, I was kind of an asshole, but being an asshole was the most fun a girl (who hates being cold more than anything) could have at any of these wintery, velvet-stretch-pant filled get-togethers when rougly 4 out of 5 relatives at the party are too weak-at-heart to handle my true party persona. I love to party, but damn it I can’t have my relatives see do body shots off Great Aunt Marge. When the family is partying. And the family WILL be partying. Your uncles might not be drinking dirrrrty martinis much before noon like mine, but, I guarantee, they will be partying ****. We started getting wildly fucked the week that Thanksgiving slapped us right in the face out of nowhere like Chris Brown. Family season is upon us. Use this article as a quick reference guide anytime you don’t have a choice but to go to the god damn gathering.

**** Even if their definition of “partying” involves cider and a game of ‘Go Fish’

Now, like I said before, I am and have been a hit at family gatherings for a while now. What gave, you might ask? Well, I pulled my head out of my ass, for one, and realized that, while my family is a time-bomb of judgement waiting to go off, so is everyone else’s. I realized that even though most of them may be constantly on the verge of a having heart-attack, always irritated and high-strung for no apparent reason or staunch republican voters, I can still be the sane(?), cool one. And so can you. If you follow these fool-proof tips, you’ll have your family eating out of the palm of your winter glove-covered hand in no time, making it rain on you in every holiday card you’ll be guaranteed to receive from even the most distant of relatives (unless they’re broke or don’t give a fuck either, in which case you should email them this article). Partially for your potential entertainment, partially for my definite entertainment and partially to help my cunty readers swallow the idea of deliberate family-ass-kissing, I alotted points to each move…

YES. IT’S A FAMILY GATHERING SCAVENGER HUNT: HOLIDAY EDITION I like winners, plain and simple. I also love a fuckin challenge. I don’t know about you, but every chance I get, I’m gonna make this scavenger game my bitch. While I do believe that a good relationhip (and inheritance) with your family is incentive enough to sorta behave (sorta), I always like an added dash of blood-thirty competition (even if only against my own previous scores) and a good, solid motive behind my each and every move. I’ve divided the “moves” into two simple groups: moves that will earn you points and moves that will lose you points. I won’t delegate how to play the game, though. The Daily Smut endorses finding your own way. Maybe you goal is to hit negative 100 because your family members are total assholes and you’re fucking over it. Maybe you’ve got money on your mind and are looking to rack in as many positive points as possible. Maybe you want to get all Richard Gere on that shit, Buddhist-style, and find the middle way, trying to break even at zero. Whatever your goal, this handy dandy point system is guaranteed to add a dash of ‘will-to-live’ to your holiday family plans.

**Before playing, please REMEMBER: KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE!**

POSITIVE POINTS
+7 points— playing with the kids (i.e. ping pong, hide and go seek, etc)
+9 points— end a feud with a relative
+2 points— give great-grandma a kiss
+6 points— covering for your more-senior relative who is smoking pot in the garage (i.e. distracting your little cousins while your aunt hits the bong) (+8 points if the person you’re covering for is the host of the party)
+10 points— when family is on your turf, you can earn major points for finding your older rich uncle excellent weed to purchase. you also then can smoke excellent weed on your uncle’s dime while simultaneously ensuring your spot in his heart (and will)
+4 points— getting an underage cousin/sibling drunk without their parents noticing (-4 points if their parents notice. you should break even since you obviously don’t really give a fuck)
+1 point for every ally you have (i.e. the uncle you snuck you beers since you were 14, the aunt who likes that you always slice the tomatoes for her salad, etc)
+3 points— falling asleep on the couch (preferably during the afternoon and/or evening). For some reason everyone seems to think this is just so fucking cute.
+2 points— allowing a relative to look something up on your smartphone (-3 points if, when they open your web browser, they see this article)
+3 points —hold the baby (NOT when you’re drunk)
+5 points— utilize a camera. Nothing says “I give a fuck about this family” like whipping out a camera at every chance you get. If you really want to beat everybody over the head with it, bring a video camera. (Of course, if you have a digital camera that takes video, this also works, but it is far mroe obnoxious to run around shoving a camcorder in everyone’s face.) Don’t have a video camera? Find someone older than you at the party and offer to tape the event for them. (+2 if you offer to take footage for Grandma, Grandpa or the host)

NEGATIVE POINTS
-2 points— smelling like hard alcohol before dinner (-4 points if it’s before noon) NOTE: This is only in poor taste if, say, your mother or born-again Christian aunt get a whiff. You’ll know they smelled it when you’re on the receiving end of a truly nasty look.
-6 points— responding appropriately when, hypothetically, your cunty aunt makes a comment about how unimportant your dayjob is and you swiftly fire back with something along the lines of “Well unfortunately for me, I missed our on the golddigging gene. Shit, if I were you, I’d essentially blow a fat guy for my livelihood too. I got the shallow gene instead.” Something along those lines. Hypothetically. -play with the kids
-4 points— getting caught tweeting during Christmas mass. (-8 points if your mother reads your twitter and sees that you were tweeting about how Jesus is make believe)
-2 points— telling the aunt no one likes to fuck off/fuck herself etc NOTE: This will obviously earn you +10 points from anyone who shares the same sentiment about said aunt
-5 points— telling your mom or dad to fuck off even though they deserved it [you’re disqualified if you tell your grandparents to fuck off (unless you feel that your family is the exeption: read- there is nothing loving or adorable or kind about your grandparents)]
-8 points— puking in the bathroom toilet; -9 for puking discreetly in a trash can; -10 for puking in the yard; you straight-up fucking lose if you puke anywhere but a toilet, trashcan or the yard. If you’re in the wilderness, say, camping, you can puke anywhere at no cost to your hard-earned points)

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Classy Lauren Brenner is a comedian and yoga teacher in Los Angeles, CA. She is a glorious pain in the ass with "Classy" tattooed on hers. Jordan is a prentetious, former professional dog walker from Denver with an undeserved sense of accomplishment.