Booze

The 2010 Iowahawk Earth Week Virtual Cruise-In

Let the carbonating commence! Welcome to the 5th annual installment of the blogosphere's happiest hot rod cruise spot: no speed bumps, no CAFE standards, free refills, and Gaia is the carhop. This post will stay at the top of Iowahawk's front page until 4/25, updated frequently. Entries will appear in reverse chronological order with newer stuff at the top. If you'd like get your hoopty in on the fun, check the submission guidelines.

Update 4/25: *dingdingding*... Sorry procrasti-carbonators: all good things must come to an end, and so must the 2010 Earth Week Cruise. Entries are now officially closed until next year, but stay tuned for the suspense of the awards post!

Fritz and the boys from Alabama's Wrongtool Workshop race team are back again this year with updates on their rapid Bavarian taxi:

Hello again from The Heart of Dixie, home of The Wrongtool Workshop, home of the rarely updated website ! We would hate, having proudly participated in the previous cruises, to have missed this year's event. Alas, during the last year (Aztec fiscal) we have not been as as successful in our carbonating endevors as we have in the past. However, as seen in the picture of the "mill", Earl, up in North Alabama (damn yankees) has correctly reasoned that twice as many carbs must burn twice as much gas and converted his 2002 over to twin sidedrafts. Much to his chagrin, he found it got better mileage, but compensates by never taking it out of second (third on the interstate). When it comed to carbonating, he does have strict standards.

On the other hand, I am sure that the legion of fan we have that has been hanging on waiting for the next installment of the development of the world famous The Taxi (we understand he is dodging the restraining order too). Our legion of tifosi will be gratified to know we finally stuffed the Frankenmotor in jumping the cubic inches up from 121 to a whopping 150. It did almost double the horsepressure, though, and as the discerning observer can see from the shot of testing, not only is it turning 112 leaded in glorious oxides of carbon, but on hard decel some Castrol GTX as well - this is truly flex-fuel in action if you ask me, it burns anything.

Unfortunately, as we found during its first outing an inadequate oil pan caused it to burn bearings as well, so now it isn't burning anything. Presently it is in pieces at a local shop which specializes in drag motors and suffering from delusions of inadequacy next to a 800 CI 3000HP monster under construction. We have hopes the latter will compensate for our poor carbonation showing till we get the world famous The Taxi back in action.

Why did Joe Hulon name his stripped down Suzuki after his aunt? It can now be revealed:

This is Eileen, my 1987 Suzuki Savage LS650. She’s been bobbed and chopped, and rebuilt four times- I can’t stop tweaking it.

So far she’s had the belt drive replaced with a 530 roller and a set of JT sprockets. The tank is from an indeterminate year. The hand controls are off an oh-four, I think. The drag bars are on a set of four inch risers turned the wrong way. It’s got a digital speedometer and a swing-arm mounted fender I built myself. A Jardine slash-cut muffler makes sure the neighbors are really happy when I get home from work, at 2 am. Internally, it’s got a heavy duty cam chain, new rings, etc. The plastic headlight and turn signals have been replaced with steel and glass. I built the seat myself as well. Real leather from a real cow.

An obnoxiously loud, compact one-lunger that has sucked up a lots of money and runs on black gold and 87 octane. Much like her namesake- my aunt and godmother, who is an obnoxiously loud, tiny woman who smokes three packs of menthols a day, drinks at least two pots of coffee, & works hard at spending my uncle’s money.

The Survivor: The carbonated frontal lobes of Iowahawk readers may harbor a memory of this type vehicle, back to the days before the great sodium silicate scare of ’09. We escaped Obama’s clunker death chambers to the freedoms of the Mayan jungles in the Yucatan Peninsula. This V8 ’92 Ford loves gasolina and every fill up requires 2 quarts of oil.

El Chupagaia: While this Perkins 4 cylinder diesel motor doesn’t push a vehicle, don’t let its stationary status disqualify it from the competition. Consider its double pimp slap action. The fore slap is the extraction mother earth’s precious agua at a rate of 19 gallons per second. The back slap is the atmosphere heating exhaust. Like the malaria carrying mosquitoes in the surrounding jungle, the chupagaia sucks the blood then cranks up the fever.

Gone with the Wind: Irascible Georgia belle Helen Young enjoys shocking the prim Prius biddies of her neighborhood with this scandalously un-PC Benz SL (please tell me it's named Tara)

Here is my 1972 SL 350, offering plenty of power at maybe 11 mpg on hi-test. It said 350 on the fender but packed under the hood a 4.5 liter engine producing 230 hp. It is Mercedes' muscle car: heavy, fast, two seats, fender, engine, and hood. Plus, the government weenies had not yet given her their special brand of love, so no 5-mph bumpers and of course no catalytic converters. I took her to my kid's game at the PC private school and parked in one of the "Low Emitting" reserved spaces. It seemed okay since she doesn't leak any fluids and burns only a teensy bit of oil.

Jeez, it's about time! Our first tractor entry is this adorable A-C from Rick K., who says when says when it comes to romancing Big Momma Planet, it's not the hp factor of the tractor -- it's the exultation in the cultivation.

I did not see many/any tractors in previous Virtual Cruise-Ins, so I thought I'd send a picture of my 1941 Allis-B. Apologies for the bad photo--Carrie Keagan (pictured in the 2009 Cruise-In) would look much better astride the old Allis, but I only have a picture of the tractor with my dorky self.

Japanese art and architecture has the Zen-like aesthetic principle of "wabi-sabi": that true beauty that comes from age, transience and imperfection. I can think of no better illustration of this principle that these awesome pickup pics from Ed Stembridge:

My 1969 F-100 Custom Cab with 240 and a C6. Learned to drive in it, then three decades later, it taught my sons. With over 300K on the clock, it gets 9mpg, loaded or un. Window decal says it all.

4/24: Last Call! 24 hours to go, so get your entry in today or wait until next year. Assuming Earth will still be here!

Saturday morning carbon breakfast: Got an email a few days ago from my old buddy Bobby Green annoucing the official opening of his latest swanky LA watering hole, the Thirsty Crow on the Sunset Strip. The name is a sly reference to Mr. Green's prodigious hot addiction; in addition to owning/operating a skein of awesome bars around greater Los Angeles, Bobby is the proprietor of the Old Crow Speed Shop, home of the V4/BGL world land speed record-holding Old Crow belly tank lakester.

Here's a video bit from 2007 when Tim Blair, Hawkspawn and I traveled to the Bonneville Salt Flats to serve as Old Crow pit crew swabbies for Bobby's first world record run:

Here I am on the folded-out tailgate of my 1987 Olds Custom Cruiser/Delta 88 "hybrid." The instruction manual, dashboard and front grille says its an 88, but "Custom Cruiser" is slapped on the side plain as day. I bought the car out of a Delaware OH Wal-mart parking lot in 2000 for $1000 to replace a much-loved 1985 Custom Cruiser which had spent its entire life in Ohio and had the rust to prove it. The new ride, with a southern rust-free body, immediately had to have $10,000 spent on it, including a rebuilt GM block and carburetor, minor stuff since then. I have put on about 90,000 miles since acquiring it.

In re: how GREEN was my valley? I have only ever used 93 octane to fill the 20 gallon tank. Every summer I drive her from Middle Tennessee to our Lake Erie cottage, totally filling every wheel well and trunk space with canned food, clothes, sports and garden equipment, leaving space enough for 2-3 cat carriers and 2 medium sized-dogs (shown) and any furniture I spy by the side of the road. I used to have 3 large dogs that somehow would fit in the trusty "wagoon," or "sticker-mobile," as it's known to my friends, with lots of impertinent political stickers readable to those I pass when steaming along on the interstate. And I do mean pass.... it's a mystery to me why the old station wagon died out in the early 90s. So versatile and comfy.

Allow me to introduce Dewi, the 2002 Ducati S4; 916cc of Italian sorcery unleashed on the streets of Jakarta. Sadly, the carbon she pumps out is partially offset by the fibre bodywork, but the decibels have Gaia shitting her pantsuit.

Whoa, I just realised I subconsciously pilfered that line from Tropic Thunder... sorry.

Yesterday Mike Hendrix dropped by the cruise with pics of his late wife Christiana's ginchy '56 Fairlane. Here's another wifely '56 Fairlane customized by my pal Craig Schreindl (more of his rides appear further down-post) for his lovely bride. Look close and you'll see my own Coupe of Justice in the paint reflection.

My Virginia pal Clay Rathburn of Atom Bomb Custom Motorcycles is all about energy conservation. Think of all the electricity saved by the eco-conscious kick starter on his badass 1958 BSA barhopper:

Sustainability! New York's Bruce Browne has owned this tasty slice of Bavarian Black Forest cake since day one:

I drove this Tii off the showroom floor 9-5-74. I love taking it out for a cruise... boy it attracts attention.

Who sez they can't make good vehicles in Washington? Bill Dake proves the contrary with this peppy pick-em-up from the Pacific Northwest:

Here's a couple of pics of my '79 Chevy C20 Camper Special. A work in progress, it's my daily driver, and at a modest 7&1/2 mpgs plus the typical oil consumption of a 454 I believe it has contributed mightily to my carbon footprint. Mysteriously, through the years the original pollution control items have disappeared and have been replaced with many non-Gaia approved items.......LS-5 heads, Edelbrock intake manifold, 800cfm carb, Doug Thorley tri-y headers and a few secret internal pieces. The nasty exhaust gasses are exitted through a pair of Flowmaster mufflers which DON'T muffle the sound. Just the way I like it.

TGIF! It's next-to-last day for the cruise, so get your entries in soon. If you're like me, nothing says "weekend" (not to mention "America") quite like speed, smoking, beer, and capitalism. Here are a couple of inspirational films that show they all go together like peanut butter and chocolate (thanks to Ryan at TJJ and HAMBoader 'Mazooma' for unearthing these gems):

'62 Alfa Romeo Giulietta Spider. Yes, it's a 1.3 liter inline 4, but it's an aluminum, DOHC, hemi, based on decades of Grand Prix dominance. My kids love showing off in it, in fact I just dropped off my 10 year old daughter at lacrosse practice. This car, and Iowahawk (and National Review) help me maintain my sanity.

Uh. Muh. Gah. When it comes to disturbing the sensibilities of the Prius set, Scott Sample takes a back seat to no one:

Seen here is a fine example of the MGM-52 Lance missile system in action, on the island of Crete (circa 1990). Mach 3 before it clears the rails and bad ass all the way down to the depths of the Meditterranean Sea. Sorry 'bout that, Gaia. I took an entire roll at 8 frames/second and only got one good shot with the missile still in the picture.

So unbelievably bad-ass that either of the two binary propulsion components were easily more dangerous (to the crew) than the conventional warhead. Don't even get me started about the W70 nuke-u-lar warhead with "Enhanced Radiation" effects. Neutron Bomb, baby!!! If that's not cruel enough, we unbolted it from the Detroit Diesel-powered track and slung it all over Germany under a JP-8 guzzling UH-60 Blackhawk.

I'd love to post a pic of the 100 kiliton crater, but The US Army saw fit to keep the keys locked up. Sorry.

Mike Hendrix of Cold Fury stopped by the other day with a jet car (see down the post), and I cajoled him to provide a pic of his late wife Christiana's '56 Ford. Mike replies:

Doin' my part to celebrate earth day. Drove my F150 with a 5.4L the 70+ mile round trip to and from work instead of my Dodge Neon. I also ran to the local grocery store near work and parked in one of the fuel efficient vehicle parking spots.

Patrick Jones patrols the Carolina pines in this masterpiece of aerodynamic design:

This is my honey and back-up transportation. It has a 7.3 liter V-8 Diesel, and I have no idea how many gallons/mile it takes, especially since it's loaded with about 10,000 pounds of band equipment.

And here's to you, Gary Robinson, Gaia hates you more than you can know. Whoah-oh-oh.

Day 7: Happy Earth Day! And a cordial welcome to readers of the great Tim Blair and the great Mark Steyn. In honor of this auspicious occasion, the text for the remainder of the day will be displayed in soothing, energy efficient green -- saving nearly 7000 tons of CO2 emissions. As far as you know.

Speaking of Tim Blair: as you know, he and I have shared a number of automotive adventures but I am chagrined I was not there for his latest: a jaunty tour across Mexico in a badass 170 mph Benz AMG:

My entry from Michigan is my 1993 GMC Typhoon. While it still retains its 4.3L V6, it has been ‘enhanced’ to produce a smidge more power than originally intended by the General. She’s sporting a forged bottom-end, custom intake/fuel setup/turbo/downpipe/engine management system/Rossler TH400, and still keeps her AWD. You can bet that when the (6) 95#/hr injectors are WFO, we’re making sure the ozone contribution is high!

A lil' red wagon submitted by Robley Willis:

Here's a pic of my truck: Rusty. A '64 F100 that's mostly original except for the paint and the wheels. The paint keeps the rust in place. Original 292 Y-block and "3 on the tree." Gets about 8 MPG. Used to get a wimpy 10 MPG, but a 4-barrel carb took care of that! Has "cherry bomb" mufflers and dual exhaust so it's LOUD and SLOW!

Atten-hut! SSG Billy Whitener of the Arkansas National Guard presents his weapon for inspection:

Attached are some pictures of a 1975 Corvette; I've owned the car since 1983 or so, that we spent most of the winter restoring. The bright Green metallic is the original color. All the Brodix stuff is not original. Had to get a high rise hood so the motor would fit. The interior is correct right down to the stitch patterns, except for the floor mats and stereo speakers. We are currently in the fine tuning stage.

First thing I am going to do is a burn out in honor of Global Warming.

Long time visitors may recall OperationMag-Neato, when Iowahawk readers airlifted a buttload of refrigerator magnets to Iraq for use in decorating tanks, gun lockers, and the Mighty Magnetic Dumb-Vee. I am happy to report that the creator, mastermind, and Supreme Allied Ground Commander of that operation (not to mention Iowahawk's official 'Ozark Hair Tonic' supplier), Doc Lee, is safely back stateside to share his latest acquisition:

Here's my entry. My new 1965 Falcon Ranchero, rescued from returning to it's native ore. It spent 24 years dirtying up the planet with it's carburated 289, then after a long hibernation became mine after the exchange of a Samick Gregg Bennett geetar, an old baloon tired bicycle and some tonsil lubricant (yours is on the way...promise). It will share polluting duties with my '71 F100 (galaxie 390 4v...for extra Gaia raping fun).

Have fun with the contest. If I win, I will donate my carbon credits to an orphanage.

Talk about personalization -- when James Ford carbons up Florida, his name is right there on the side of his truck.

Attached is a photo of my daily ride, 1996 Ford F250 XLT, Power Stroke, extended cab , long bed, 7.3 liter diesel. I commute about 40 miles to work per day. It’s usually empty except for me driving.

I've always said my readers are the Munster family of the internet. Cartoon whiz Michael Buckley and his lovely bride prove it in this photo, behind the wheel of the dual quad "Curtain Rod," owned by a member of Kansas City's Los Punk Rods:

Jim Robinson and Craig Geiger of the patriotically named, Georgia-based Don't Tread on Me racing team go full gonzo on an unsuspecting BWM, in this homemade version of Gone in 60 Seconds:

In preparing a car for the Grand-Am (NASCAR's road racing arm) Continental Challenge Series Street Tuner class, my friends and I bought a perfectly serviceable 2006 BMW 330i and turned it to this (before and after). Unlike ALMS (America Le Mans Series) which has pretenses to being 'green' friendly, Grand-Am has no environmental claims to fame and is sponsored by a Tire Company - what is less green than that? Also Le Mans is close to being French which isn't cool on any level.

So basically we've ruined a potentially nice car, to haul around with my 2500HD (gas not diesel) Pickup to various race tracks to burn more fuel. To further support our claim to Earth hating I quote directly from the Grand-Am rule book -

6-3.4 Catalytic converters must be removed.

(Page 152 2010 Grand-Am Rulebook)

And with a name / site like DTOMRacing you have to like us, right? In a spirit of fair disclosure Patrick Dempsey also races in this series, we promise to wreck into him though next year. Sidenote - I wanted to vent the A/C directly into the atmosphere during the dismantling but was overruled.

Colorado's Erik Anderson is a senior fellow at the Hudson (Hornet) Institute:

They don't make them like they used to. My 327 powered 1965 C20 has deep enough gears to pull a house down, and will pin you to the seat all the way to its top speed of 60. Not only does it burn a lot of fossils but makes its presence known with plenty of 'we don't need no stinking muffle' grunt and good ol' Chevy SyncroMesh 420 gear whine. I just got the '52 Hudson, and while it's 308ci flathead 6 is yet to run in my presence, the Powerstroke oil-burner more than made up for the Hornet's long slumber on its 18 hour round-trip pick-up run.

"Charliefreak" doesn't need wheels to spew smoky CO2, just some Third World commie contraband:

OK, its not a car, but some poor bastard in Fideland had to strip Gaia of her leafy green cover just so I could emit my very own All-American CO2 mixed with the smoke of burnt communist vegetation.

Number one, finally got my late wife Christiana's '56 Fairlane up and running last week, just in time for your Earth Day/Week/Month/Year/whatever celebration. Late '60's 289. Edelbrock intake, 650 Holly, Mallory Unilite electronic distributor. Got a Lunati Voodoo cam waiting for me in Boone, and a set of blockhuggers which will be installed at the same time.

But better still, check out the video linked to in the forwarded e-mail from my friend Bob. He works for Gilby Gilbertson's race team; met those guys when we played their annual party at the Rockingham Nationals a few years back. That pink smoke is pretty cool, no? Especially if you're as accustomed to the blue kind as I am...

Vaya con etc, buddy! The Playboys are going into the studio Friday and Saturday; finally getting started on the next record. I'll keep ya posted on that, and send ya some mp3's when I have 'em.

I'm all a-tingle my friend. But how about some pix of that '56 Fairlane?

Day 5 of the EWVCI kicks off with, in my opinion, the greatest mechanical educational film ever made: "Around the Corner" (1937), a General Motors production explaining how a differential works. Boring? Ha! Watch and be learn-o-tained. And don't forget to send in pics of your heap -- you just might win 1 million genuine Iowahawk carbon credits!

Nothing celebrates horsepower - and the wanton, lusty exploitation of same - like riding around in circles for no apparent reason. Especially when I do it 4000 miles at a time on my 100hp/liter Yamaha FJR1300. Mid-summer runs from Chicago to Montana, Wyoming, Colorado and then home again supply plenty of opportunities to twist it 'til Gaia screams. Sorry, sweety, I must have forgotten the safe-word.

My occasional Manhattan drinking pal Ian Wilson prowls the streets of Francis Albert Sinatra's home town in the official state vehicle of New Jersey: the Cadillac sedan. Don't ask what's in the trunk, capisce?

Only way I could have more fun flying "Maggie" (my Cessna 182) would be to have Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi in a burlap bag to drag along behind her on the runway. She is a sweetheart though, isn't she? She only burns about 9 gallons/hr, though I can get her up to about 13 if I need to really get somewhere. Or if I just want to go fast.

We found this old girl (1971 SS El Camino) in the scrap yard, working on it to there to get it running so we could drive it home. Since then, we have stroked the 4-bolt 350 to 383 and topped it with a 750 cfm Holley. Doesn't matter how I drive, full on batshit crazy or idling at the Krystal on a Saturday night, it get 12 mpg. In addition to its thirst it lights the tires up on demand, making copious clouds of burnt rubber due to it's lightweight ass-end. It's fully restored but needs a new hood because (bonus!) a burst fuel line caused an engine fire and scorched the paint.

Tarheel John Brewer is right proud of his big block Carolina Corvette:

In homage to Earth Week, you'll note the solar battery charger near the rear wheel. I plan to fit my carbon generating foot(print) into Birkies while toggling the 850 CFM Holley so as to fully participate in the spirit of the event.

Happy Earth Monday! Seems every year I host this lil' carbon party a significant slice of the entries come from Texas, this year being no exception. Click the "continue reading" extendo-button below and you'll see what I mean. So, to kick off Day 4 of the festivities, here's a tribute to all you proud vehicle-loving citizens of the Lone Star State from Chrysler Motor Corporation (made in those bygone days before it became a federal welfare agency). Hat tip to my pal and by-God Texan Ryan Cochran, who is also proprietor of the finest car site on all the interwebz, the Jalopy Journal.

Israeli reader B.C. Helms says L'Chaim in his Mazda pickemup:

This is my ‘94’ Mazda B2000 daily mountain climber taking a little ‘siesta’ half way up one of the local ‘hills’ in Israel. Most of the time that means 1st. or 2nd. Gear leading to great gulping of 6.75 shekel per litter fuel. That’s $7.03 per gallon. Then I can also turn on the air conditioning to further drop it’s economy. With 1 ton suspension, sticky tires and my knowing how to corner, it gives fits to even BMW’s going DOWN twisty mountain roads. Dents are on all sides, top & bottom but it is a real fun gas hog.

Patrick Wilson shares this lovely shot of his 'Vette (dubbed "The Blue Max") at feeding time:

1966 Chryslerthis thing is hugethe front bumper makes the turn long after the wheels are steered383all rebuilt/restoredwe've had it 40 yearsCovered with pollen in this pic

my son used this to drive to college in Texas1959 Custom 300292 Y-blockdual straight pipesthey make music just like when I was a kid in the 1950s

Down in them Carolina hills, Grandpa Boyers is right proud of how his kin commune with nature:

Here is a photograph of Number One Grandson ( Cody, a wide receiver in Charlotte high school football ) hanging on the roll cage bar while motivating up an undisclosed location in Western North Carolina in our extended family's ATV (aka "The Sod Stompin Surrey Sans Fringe on Top" ) ... . en route, perhaps, to deliver a load of shine to assorted local brier hoppers whilst evading Federal revenuers and simultaneously helping to stave off an impending nuclear freeze in those mountains by the prudent expedient of injecting massive quantities of carbon products of combustion into the surrounding atmosphere which coincidentally will ,synergistically , feed and save the surrounding rain - like forest and Christmas trees so abundant in growth thereabouts in them parts.

Another aquatic entry from Texas, courtesy Dan Shea:

Please accept my humble mode of aquamarine bliss! My 1994 Liberator 21' pickle-fork tunnel hull jet boat started with a 360 hp 454 and was upgraded after many years of loyal service to 492 ci and dyno'd at 440 hp via a stroked crank. I've had a l;onger relationship with her than my three ex-wives combined! It's been less trouble and much more dependable!

Day 3 of our petrol fiesta begins with a Flickr slide show of some automotive snaphots I've taken over the last few years:

Ahoy mateys! Michael Rivette lives the life aquatic, and sends in two of his favorite sea-going vessels (along with a musical reference to Steely Dan):

The first pic is a boat i'm proud to own a part of...The USS North Carolina is a taxpayer-owned floating carbon uncredit.Imagine her under full steam, spewing carbon, and blasting the big guns.

She hasn't learned to work the saxophone, but she goes just where she feels.We drink scotch whiskey all nite long,And fish behind the wheel..

"Captain Zoom" of San Antonio TX serves up this tasty home made dish of Lotus-inspired carbon cooking:

I don’t own this roadster anymore, but I designed and built it. It now lives with my old buddy (who created the engine for it) in Grand Junction, Colorado, where it shares garage space and serves as counterpoint to his screeching Shifter Kart. It’s a Gaia-humpin’ mofo, sort of an engorged Lotus “Seven” on steroids, about 1700 pounds with a tubular steel and honeycomb aluminum space frame mounted on modified Jag-you-are XJS suspension and powered by a highly massaged roller-cam small-block Ford V8.

In addition to emitting a generously “sufficient” quantity of unburned hydrocarbons, it does its share for the CrazyAlgor legacy by contributing to global warming as a true Iowahawk hybrid vehicle, burning both gasoline and rubber. What it lacks in gratuitous non-renewable natural resource consumption (compared to some of the other Earth Week Cruise-In entrants) it easily makes up in decibels and tire smoke.

I have no idea what kind of fuel mileage it could get if driven sanely, because that’s never been tried.

Over the years we've featured everything from rocket-powered pickups to tanks to Lear jets to aircraft carriers, so I figured all the vehicular bases have been covered -- but Joseph Lesue provides a brand new class of hoopty:

These three pics show my entry. Actually, they were taken forty years ago while I was in the army. I suppose the track slurped copious amounts of diesel, but I didn't drive much. What I did was sit in the turret and shoot off missiles. I got to shoot down... okay, I never really had to shoot down a real airplane, but all you fighter jocks that think you're so tough, well, just be glad we were on the same side. Any way, I don't know how much CO2 was in the exhaust, but it was TOXIC. They had to filter it out of the air I had to breathe so it wouldn't permanently damage my brain. That's me, holding two umbilical cords from two successful launches and two kills. By the way, its a Chapparal Anti-aircraft missile. The missle was derived from the Sidewinder.

Two vehicles comprising six wheels from Jimmy Dodd:

Is there any vehicle more despised by those Gaia loving lunatics than a Chevy Tahoe? I'm pretty sure that on a good day it gets about 9 per. The rest of the mileage is supplemented by the tears of Prius drivers.

But jimmy isn't all work and no play. No sirree, I give you Something Wicked. My 1982 Yamaha Maxim 1100. Sporting a vintage Kerker pipe, it may have at one time actually had some baffling, and possibly some exhaust packing. Now it makes girly men wince in pain when it rips past them, shrieking like some demented banshee. I've had a lot of bikes, this one for some reason gets the looks.

Snow on the docks in Key West? This entry from the delightfully-monikered Monte Meals provides a harrowing illustration of the frigid future that awaits unless we all pitch in to up our carbon output:

Attached is a lovely butt photo of home. I get this strange tingley feeling every night when I remember that my toes are a mere six feet away from two (2) hammering straight 6 ford tractor diesels (vintage 1975 - don't gimme no plastic saddle, I want to feel leather when I ride!) But PLEASE don't ask me why I spent this last winter in this God forsaken place. I still haven't recovered from the beat down when the Mrs. asked that same question.

A real "Sleeper", so to speak. Equipped with the Vortec L18, V8 gasoline engine, 8.128L (496 cu in), pulling an impressive ~16,000 pounds of 450 square feet of living space when fully open, me, beer, skittles, spouse, cheeseburger fixings, gas BBQ, assault rifle, aux generator for those times when you need to run the two 115v AC units while on the road, and towing an F-150 crew cab pickup, we get an astounding 6.5mpg on the flat with no headwind. (Downhill, you can get as much as 7 mpg, so we try to avoid that as much as possible). Sometimes we drive with the driver's slide extended (as shown) as mother likes to sit on the couch an look out the front window. This has the added attraction of drastically decreasing MPG and thereby increasing Gaia's misery. And, yes, even with $4.00 gas, it is still cheaper than taking a plane, renting a room and a car at your destination. P.S.: 0 to 60 in something less than five minutes!

What a Wankel! Instead of hugging trees, Paul Osnes prefers hugging chicanes in his lil' Mazda:

Just a little rotary in my puppy… but the peripheral port dumps enough fuel in it at 10,000 RPM to make the sand in Saudi Arabia settle an inch or so a lap... Hope it makes the cut.

Barrister Anthony Parent Esq. of Wallingford CT provides this first person singular account of himself and his mighty promotional Earth-shaker, which he dubs the "Sexcursion":

50% Clarance Darrow, 50% P.T. Barnum, and 50% numbers whiz, tax resolution attorney, Anthony E. Parent, enjoys being propelled by a 6.0 Power Stroke turbo diesel V-8, while inside his 2005 Ford Excursion Limited. Adding to the joy: He simultaneously shills his cleverly branded firm, irsmedic --- Real Tax Attorneys for Tough Tax Problem (888-IRS-HALT) on the side of this, the largest civilian-specific SUV ever built. Asked about possible customization ideas, Attorney Parent mentions a Jethro Tull bumper sticker dillema he is facing. "I always wanted one, I guess. There's been this really cool one down at the Redwood Flea Market. No one has bit on it yet. I hesitate to buy it as I really like Jethro Tull and don't want to be taken ironically."

Recent modifications include a full tank of fuel. Says Attorney Parent "I hope to burn a lot more diesel before I am dead." His future looks promising: With 4 wheel drive and short trips around town, he is averaging a stellar 12.4 MPG.

She's been on the Road for about a year now with no major issue. It's lightning fast (0 - 60mph in about 4 seconds) and a real head-turner. I really love backing into the local Starbucks on Sunday mornings (optimally beside the Prius with the most Obama stickers). I think it makes the little latte sippers reconsider their position on extraordinary rendition and waterboarding. One of my favorite parts about the project though is the personalized tag I scored. I hope this meets the spirit of the contest. Please check the history of the project, involving a rear-end accident, a Hurricane Katrina refugee, and a lot of sweat and fun with friends; along with many build pics. on my blog at myPowerblock.

Editor's note: in the interest of protecting the delicate sensibilities of any readers who might belong to the Sierra Club or Greenpeace, the following submission from Mike Garfias has been slightly modified from its original.

Here is my favorite picture of my Earthhugger[tm]. While the thing still has the cats under it, I'm hoping to someday rip those (and the mufflers) out and replace with a full 3" system with a set of nice loud headers. Of course, I will celebrate this by making a trip to Portland, OR with a tank full of leaded race gas and drive around giving the hippies cancer. And while the motor remains stock, she still does well in the Earthhugging department: I zeroed out the average fuel milage counter on this particular track day, and discovered i hugged mother earth to the tune of 3 mpg of $6/gal 100 octane race fuel that day.

Dawn breaks on day 2 of of our annual Hydrocarbothon. As a nutritious breakfast treat, here's a helpful GM engineer giving a technical rundown on the legendary Turbo Encabulator. Stay thru to the end for the big payoff! Tip o' the lid to my pals Coop and Dan & Brian at the indespensible gearhead life site Autoculture.

Much, much more carbon-related goodness below the break!

If you don't get patriotic lump in your throat at the sight of a pink Coupe de Ville at sunset in the wide open spaces... well, Mister, I just don't want to know you. Owner Karl E. from Towson, MD elaborates on this masterpiece of Detroit craftmanship:

Hey Iowahawk! Get a load of this! A 1957 Caddie Coupe deVille. It's not a hot rod, but it sports a big block V8, 365 cu in, 300 horses, and in town, between stoplights, I bet it only gets 5 mpg. And it is loud. No thinking it might be a 4 or 6 cylinder under the hood. Whole lotta steel in this land yacht- around 6,000 lbs! You have to get a big Hummer to get near that weight load in a contemporary car. It doesn't smoke or leave a trail of blue fumes, but if you floor it, you can watch the gas gauge go down. That counts, doesn't it?

Boy howdy, that Charles Glasser enjoys him some beautiful British iron. My buddy and occasional Manhattan drinking partner Blackberries in a few choice photos of his mighty stable of Jags:

Decisions, decisions. The white one in the back is my new Jaguar XKR. 5 V8 litres of supercharged, Gaia-molesting, tire smoking 520 hp madness.I'm ashamed to say the Chancellor (the green XJ6, my daily driver) actually gets 20mpg. But no worries: the E-Type in front makes up for it with a sheik-satisfying 9mpg.

Sweet mother of mercy, now this is beauty on 4 wheels. Thomas from Colorado waxes eloquent on his roadster, the second Packard entered in this year's cruise:

Please find attached a photo of my 1934 Packard Super 8 Coupe Roadster. This car represents the pinnacle of sports car chique of the day. Sporting a 389 cu. in straight 8, she will accelerate to 60 mph in well under a few minutes and, given her svelte curb weight of 5400 lbs, will only consume about 5 gallons of earth friendly petrol in that time. Cruising along at 55 mph, she gets about 9-10 mpg; better if the wind is at her back. Because of her age and engine design, the oil needs to be changed every 1000 miles, and she takes 10 quarts. Truly a car for the carbon conscious.

It turns out Bruce Wayne / brewswain (whose '39 Ford pickup appears below) is, like me, a fan and owner of the ever-versatile 1931 Ford Model A coupe. Here's his, along with his impressive listing of its rare vintage speed equipment:

The 5.7 Hemi Grand Cherokee in her natural habitat. She's a thirsty beast when in her element, around 6 mpg in the deep sand of Padre Island, but I have yet to find a more entertaining way to commune with mother nature.

Unfortunately, this wee beastie does not produce Gaia-raping quantities of CO2, it being powered by a horizontally opposed, four cylinder, air-cooled motor of some 1600cc or thereabouts. Being a 1973 vintage piece of fine German engineering, it is does not have one of those catalytic converter thingies, and has a tendency to burn oil as well, so it does punch above its weight pollution-wise. The floor pan is from a 1954 bug, and as mentioned, the engine is a 1973 1600cc VW. Living in a civilised country where we drive on the correct side of the road, the steering wheel is on the right side. The body work was done in 1992, and is a custom job. I still get a laugh out of asking petrol station attendants (where they can still be found) to check the radiator.

This is my reproduction Victorian-era steam launch pictured on the alligator-infested Trinity River in Texas. She's powered by a reciprocating steam engine boat that is driven by saturated steam generated in the vertical fire tube boiler. Heat for the steam comes from burning whatever you can fit in the fire box. Did I mention the Victorians did not have catalytic converter technology?

The boat is not as fast as other entrants in the Earth Week Cruise, but it does have features that make it perfect for worshiping The Big MILF. First there is the hull made of fiberglass and glorious hydrocarbon-derived resin. Then there is the reciprocating engine which uses once-through lubrication to ensure the bilges always have a rainbow sheen of oil in them. The steam whistle and steam siren make lots of noise and big plumes of steam that people confuse with pollution. But the ultimate factor that I think qualifies this entry for Earth Cruise Week's prize is the steam plant that produces horsepower with a thermal efficiency measured in the low single digits! As an added Earth Week Cruise benefit, it runs best on coal. Nothing compares to steaming across a placid lake leaving a thick trail of carbon molecules freed from 65 million years of quiet repose.

I am proud to submit for your consideration our family 1929 Packard “Standard Eight” sedan. Nothing produces a more inefficient mix of air and fuel than its mechanical carburetor. Combined with a 320 c.i. straight 8 motor and naturally no catalytic converter, this baby’s carbon footprint greatly exceeds that of the three SUVs we own and drive daily! Come on carbon credits!!

From poet reader brewswainshort on punctuationlong on sustainability

1939 Ford pickupYes, its mineYes I drive itevery day for 17 yearsMy other car is old

My 1939 Plymouth coupe has a 350 Chevy V-8, custom headers and twin Glass Packs. This polluter runs richer than George Soros' blood after a Bucket-O-Caviar snack, is louder than Chris Matthews sitting on a bed of galvanized cleat nails and, at full throttle, can deplete the ozone layer faster than a questionable burrito in Al Gore's digestive system. More Plymouth pix and description here.

Joe Klehe treats some Texas cedars to a refreshing blast of CO2, courtesy the sidepipes on his Cobra roadster:

Five year veteran returning with yet another Ferrari: a carbon-spewing, sea-level raising, 500hp F430 Berlinetta F1 monster! As the sign in the photo says 'Suck it, Al!'

How friggin' cool is this? Bruce from Dallas gets around in a plane of his own making:

I wanted to humbly submit my entry. This is an experimental aircraft that took 10 long years to build. My RV-6 (lovingly called the Dominatrix by my wife for the pain inflicted during building) will reach a top cruise speed of 200 mph and burns 12.5 gallons of avgas per hour. It holds 39 gallons of fuel. Next up, time to get her painted.

Bruce adds this bonus photo of his pride & joy in flight, taunting some wind turbines in North Texas:

The toilets might flush backwards Down Unda, but reader Paul Ducey of Western Australia proves their tires/tyres rotate the same way:

My old girl isnt as cool or create as much global warming goodness as some of your entries, but I she does her bit to keep us all toasty warm. A 2000 Holden Calais, the top of the line Holden family sedan with un-eco goodies like super comfy 6 way power seats, freezing cold climate control air-con, hp robbing 4 speed auto and all the rest of the fruit. She tips the scales at just under 1800kg (3960lbs) and runs a 12.55 on street tyres down the quarter thanks to a bog stock LS1 making 323hp at the wheels through a 3500 converter and 3.91 gears. Fuel consumption averages about 16 l/100km (14.7 mpg), I'm trying to get better, but the laws here are a bit rough on 'exuberant' driving, just ask Lewis Hamilton.

I've got my hands on an LS3 that will be going in very soon with a smallish cam to really chew through those sweet sweet hydrocarbons. Of course to make the most of the new donk I'll be fitting some 4 - 1 headers and race cats to go with the twin 2.5 inch cat back, which will also help keep Mother Earth nice and warm while producing that most melodious V8 burble. I'm hoping to keep her just outside the 10's so I can keep her smoking tyres and drinking premium petrol (gas) as often as possible without fitting a roll cage.

Paul P.S.'s:

I thought I'd also send you a pic of a bloke I know doing a skid at Motorvation this year. We love our skids here in WOZ, he only made the top 10 with this effort...

Tim L. of Dallas is dedicated to discarding the extraneous bits of his motorcycle that do not actively spew carbon:

Attached are two pics of my 1996 Suzuki LS650 Savage. The side view demonstrates the modifications to the Suzuki Sausage and the full frontal view shows that I ride this beast sidesaddle during the blooming of the bluebonnets. I've rebuilt and adjusted the seat, plugged the leaks in the 650cc Powderplant, superglued the petcock and removed several superfluous factory attachments only useful on Japanese pavement. The sausage doesn't burn valuable fat but a derivative of a sticky, gooey black mass that seeps from the ground here in Texas.

;

Now that's patriotism! R.L. of Guilford, NY shows he is no slouch in preserving America's vehicular military heritage:

Here are a few pictures of my AM General M35A2C Deuce and a Half Multifuel. This truck Burns any hydrocarbon with more than adequate smoke and pollution. Phased out by the military due to the politically incorrect emissions it serves as my sometimes grocery getter, weekend RV, and all around smoke generator when I am in the throttle, and that is pretty much all the time as this thing is heavy, somewhat underpowered and slow off the line. If you see a trail of black smoke lingering over a road here in my area, you know I have been through in the last hour or so.

She won’t win any drag races, but in terms of durability and a go anywhere attitude, this Hydrocarbon creating machine will send any environmentalist into a tizzy and over the edge. Just for fun, let me know where they are demonstrating and I will make a pass fogging them down with pure grade A smoke from any of the following: diesel/kerosene, naptha, gasoline, waste oil, old hydraulic oil, …well, you get the picture..

"Paul from Ptown VA" rolls his Caddy whip gangsta style:

Watch the hipsters choke and the Baristas run for cover as this gentle giant of a land yacht rollin on 22 inch chrome lo pros swings into the hybrids only space at the local Starbucks, They’re saying something, but you can’t hear them over the sirens song of the Northstar V8 humming though the Flowmasters. Take your trunk full of dead hookers or environmentalists out to the dump in style this erff day!

One last late entry from 2009, a proudly pre-government Vette owned by DP of Vernon Hills, IL:

It pales before most of the entries, but here’s my proud, beautiful little carbon-spewer. I wonder if they’ll even be making Corvettes anymore.

This handsome late 2009 entry #2 comes from New Mexican Ken Shotwell:

I present to you Giant Bob. He's my primary means of transportation. He gets 11 miles to the gallon.

A late 2009 entry from C. Lawson, but remains happily relevant:

Pictured is my 2007 ford expedition EL that is my primary means of transportation. she ("the prairie schooner") is parked at ojo caliente, new mexico in the pic. since i don't work outside my home, i don't drive it back and forth to work. in fact, i am a housewife and though i have several children, they are all mostly of driving age now with their own rides. i make no apologies to anyone that 95% of the time, i am alone in my behemoth, i drive it for errands & stuff, but a lot just for pleasure, especially in the summer when i basically just become a vagabond, normally driving as far west and north as i can get in the time allotted. i have no idea what its mpg is, highway, city or otherwise (i take it off-road as often as i can), nor do i care. in 24 months, i've put 60,000 miles on it, but don't hold the low figure against me -- i stay closer to home during the school year, of necessity.

the week of the tea parties, i was traveling from tx to colo and back. since i wouldn't be able to attend a tea party along with the other elite and all the racist mobs, i did my own little part with the help of some shoe polish. i met a raft of very nice people along the way who applauded my sloganeering, by the way, and none of them appeared to be very wealthy or rabid KKK'ers; instead, they were cleverly disguised as follows: 2 firemen in steamboat springs, a cafe owner/waitress in leadville, a truck driver in vaughn, new mexico, and a retired couple in ft. stockton, texas. just goes to show you -- you never can tell.

my beast and i reside south of houston, in league city, texas.

As always, I will kick off the festivities with one of my own heaps. Behold the in-progress Coupe of Wrath: the nasty, brutish and ill-mannered yin to the elegant yang of my last project, the Coupe of Justice. This factory steel 1932 Ford 5 window is not currently spewing emissions of any type, but will be packing a 327/365 SBC from a '65 Corvette when completed later this year. Slated to be 14-year old Hawkspawn's Driver's Ed car.

PoliPundit"nobody – and I mean nobody, in the confines of Al Gore’s greatest invention, the Internet, can slice, dice and julienne a huge chunk of pure snark into so many little jagged pieces like he can"

Charles Murray, The American Enterprise Institute"Out of nowhere—at least I’d never heard of him—comes a posting by one David Burge on his blog, Iowahawk, in which he tore Krugman’s numbers apart. I don’t mean he found some soft spots. I’m talking evisceration. The post has been flying around cyberspace and has a attracted a lot of flak to which Burge has now responded. I recommend both posts as tours de force on two levels. First, they are saturated with the best kind of Internet irreverence and humor—sophomoric occasionally, lmao funny more often. Second, the guy is a hell of an applied statistician. It’s wonderful: Paul Krugman’s got his mile-high New York Times platform, Burge has an obscure blog. And yet, in the world of the Internet, he can take Krugman down and end up letting a whole lot of people know he’s done it."

Hugh Hewitt"For a lesson on how to argue a complex case in the face of MSM stupidity and/or bias --answer with facts, repittion and careful writing laced with laughs-- read the tutorial prepared by Iowahawk... This is how it is done. Airlift Iowahawk to the Speaker's office."

The Lunatic's Asylum"IowaHawk is God. If you're STILL not reading IowaHawk regularly, then you, Sir or Madame, are a dipshit. One that should be taken out and sterilized with the rustiest of farm implements, so that you may not pollute the gene pool with future generations of little dipshits."

Bookworm Room"Every time I read one of Iowahawk’s satires, I think to myself, 'This is it. He cannot get better than this.' And every time I am wrong, as Iowahawk, over and over, publishes something new that is even funnier than his last outing... In a perfect world, Iowahawk would be one of the most recognized comic satirists in America."

Fausta Wertz"the dance floor started to open and exposed a vast deep pool filled with man-eating sharks. The crowd panicked as a couple fell into the waters and the sharks feasted on them. Without missing a step or loosening his embrace, he led me to the entrance and with a swift move managed to both hit the switch that closed the shark pit and concluded the final dance step. He then said, 'It’s late. I must go tend to my blog.'"

Dan Collins, Protein Wisdom"He is Iowahawk of Typepad
Master of the sparkling send-up
When he posts, then douchebags tremble
Realizing they’ve been skewered
And with no recourse to match him:
Mighty Burge, the Iowahawk”

Amused Cynic"perhaps the best-written, cleverest “F*** You” salute that I have ever seen administered ... I am hereby delivering a James Thurber salute to you, Dave, and popping the top on a 16 oz. can of PBR in your direction"

Daniel Ruwe, Right Minds"The funniest person on the Internet. Every one of his posts makes me laugh out loud. Literally incredibly funny. You have to experience him to appreciate him"

Elizabeth Crum"For an idea of what I find brilliant and loveable in terms of sarcasm, satire and the like, see Iowahawk. He is one of our great modern-day scribes: smart, scathing, derisive, outrageous, and funny like few can be"

Jesse Macbeth"I'd like to take the time to address some of the stuff that I read on the Internet written about me... I got to tell you some of the stuff I saw was really funny. One of my favorites ones was actually the Power Rangers one, that was kind of cool."

Jools Krittindan"Then there’s Iowahawk. I don’t even know what he does for a living, something in Iowa, I guess. Yeah, society would function fine without him. It would just suck more. He gets an estate all his own: Iowahawk, the Sixth Estate."

Cherry River Blog"Yes, this is a crude attempt to gain entrance to IH's hallowed blogroll, and maybe even a blurb-out listing, but I still stand in awe of the capaciousness of mind that Mr. Burge has demonstrated to a barely worthy Web world"

Jules Crittenden"I have received no remuneration or consideration of any kind for this shameless fawning boosterism and free advertising. Nor do I require any. To have been in some small way associated with the global Iowahawk phenomenon is more than most of us can aspire to in our miserable, inconsequential little lives. To bask in its electronic glow is to sense the existence of immortality."

Hot Flashes"The man I’d most likely invite to my bedroom in another life"

Jim Henshaw"Neo-cons may not be as humorless as I thought, as this essay from Conservative blogger Iowahawk will attest. Even if you hate his politics, this is funny stuff"

Dave Bender, Israel at Level Ground (Israel)"Iowahawk is in the side of the wrong business, not to mention residing on the wrong landmass; he needs to get over here quick and start pumping out copy for the major news agencies"

Jules Crittendon, Boston Herald"Iowahawk’s wild, unkempt observations may look like they’ve spent the last three days sleeping under a bridge, and be frightening and smelly up close, but they are conduits of fundamental, irrefutable truth. Much like the drunk who accosts you on a streetcorner and unabashedly proclaims, 'I need money for a bottle of Cossack.'"

Twisted Spinster"Iowahawk sticks the knife in so nicely that you don’t even feel it until everything starts to go dark and fuzzy"

Bill Whittle, National Review"My friend Iowahawk writes some of the most brilliant satire I have ever read. He likes to come across as a beer-swilling gearhead — because he is — but look at this ... simply so that I may bask in its reflected glory"

Rush Limbaugh"I've gotta share with you one of the funniest things I have ever read. It is by the blogger Iowahawk. It is one of the sharpest, most cutting, brilliant satires on these pseudo-intellectual conservatives... I've heard of Iowahawk. I don't know what his leanings are, probably lib, I don't know, doesn't matter. This whole thing is just wonderful, it is just hilarious."

Quid Nimis"I think the reason I don't do Iowa Hawk everyday is the same reason I don't eat ice cream everyday: it's too good. That and the fact that I would have to leave my husband and stalk Dave Burge"

Tim Blair, Sydney Telegraph (Australia)"As Sandy Roberts says: 'When you think of Bhutan, you think of archery.' And when you think of Vettes, Ferraris and Hemi-powered rods, you think of Iowahawk and his LA-bound nitroclan"

Joseph Bottum, First Things"I’m on the board of a literary magazine at a small state university, and, at the board’s meeting this spring, the editor mentioned that he had wanted to reprint the blogger Iowahawk’s hilarious swipe at the archbishop of Canterbury... Unfortunately, the editor said, the magazine couldn’t do reprint it. The legal adviser from the university’s administration had said no—not on the grounds that it was offensive to Anglicans and their archbishop, but on the grounds that it mentioned Islam, and the school could receive bomb threats as a result of publishing it."

Lone Star Times"Between cleaning carburetors and restoring classic American cars, Burge churns out some of the funniest and decisively deadly wit and commentary on the web... Write the Pulitzer Committee and demand Iowahawk should win"

Roger Kimball, Pajamas Media"inspired … I was going to say 'parody,' but really it is far too close to the original to be called a parody. Really, it is like the play Hamlet stages to 'catch the conscience of the King,' a dramatic re-enactment of the very crime Claudius had committed but had yet to acknowledge. It worked for Hamlet; will Iowahawk’s performance work for the rest of us? It is too early to tell. But ... it is more truthful, and far more amusing, than anything you’ll read in the [New York] Times."

Paul Kedrosky, Infectious Greed"I really don't know how best to summarize IowaHawk's you-are-there white-trash treatise... If you crossed Hunter Thompson and Michael Lewis, you might get something this angry and bizarre"

The McMuffins (UK)"Iowahawk and his lovely wife... did not appear to be the psychopathic stalking killers we had been warned about, although that Iowahawk did have a murderous look in his eyes and an unusual amount of froth coming from his mouth"

Blacklake (Hot Air Comments)"I’d say Iowahawk was a genius, but geniuses aren’t generally very clever. Plus, studies have shown that nine out of ten have no idea how to clean a carb. So, statistically speaking, his geniushood is unlikely."

Rand Simberg (Transterrestrial Musings)"Next time Iowahawk beats up on you, just take it. If you try to fight back, it only gets worse. It's like one of those monsters that, the harder you fight it, the stronger it gets, because it actually feeds on your pathetic swats."

Blog Québécois"If Iowahawk ever decides to turn his guns on you, accept your beating with good grace and a rueful chuckle. If you try to fight back, it only gets funnier."

Roger Kimball (The New Criterion)"The excellent weblog IowaHawk summarized some of the thoughts I had... I must also laud David Burge of IowaHawk for his gritty pragmatism. He is no armchair crusader, full of empty imprecations."

Bill Whittle"I've met him, you know -- Iowahawk. 6'7" he is, arms like mighty oak trees, legs like even mightier oak trees: clear grey eyes looking to the far horizon, his lantern jaw set against the approaching storm but yet with a slight hint of a distant smile bourne of many combats won and mortal enemies vanquished.
I stood speechless in his presence at a restaurant in Marina del Rey --- just speechless, weeping silently at the sheer magnetism and force of personality coming off the man in seismic waves; a transcendental, religious experience that kept me awake for a week, as if I had seen the heavens split open in a blaze of orange and purple glory, and all of God's Great Plan revealed.
And when he finally did speak, it was the sound of distant thunder echoing off ancient mountains, a sound that predates mankind's puny schreeching -- a sound that, indeed, is antecedent to the founding of Life on Earth and comes carried through the ether on the shock wave of ancient dying stars. And though he only spoke twelve words during the four hours I stood in his presence, those words are with me still, a perfect dozen seared into my memory, written in gold across the great hall of my mind.
He said, 'HEY, CAN YOU GET THIS ONE? I LEFT MY WALLET AT HOME.'"

Spongeworthy"But no shit, Iowahawk might get up tomorrow, get baked, grab his beautiful wife and ride his moped backwards to a Hells Angel rally, then drink himself into oblivion and fight about 7 crank dealers from the Racine chapter of the Death Jokers all by himself.
Then maybe he'd go home, romance the beautiful wife, build a perfect retro treehouse for his perfect kids, drink a bottle of tequila, prepare a 3-course meal while beating away a push-in home invader and sacrificing him on a makeshift, though historically accurate, Inca altar he built in the woods behind the railroad tracks.
Then he'd sit down and knock out a tremedously insulting Leftist parody that pissed off thread after thread of Kos and DU lunatics, romance the bride once again and fall asleep chuckling.
It's like he's Paul Bunyan and Mark Twain rolled up into one hipster"