Month: December 2016

No one knew the pain that wreaked havoc inside her. It was beyond her control, an already made decision. One that she had no part in. But it was made. And after fighting for someone that didn’t want her, she began to realize that she has been losing for a while. And if she wasn’t loved back, she would accept it.

But no one knew the pain that wreaked havoc inside her. For she knew all of this was a lie. The lies her confident conscious fed her. She would never stop fighting. There will be no one else.

If he doesn’t love her, she will continue loving him. She will learn to love herself. But she will continue loving him.

Hollow from the hurt. I look in the mirror and see wide brown eyes staring back at me. Eyes that once lit up with love and compassion, have been blown out. Emptiness soars through my bones and into my heart. There is no more light.

How dare he say that he’s in pain when he’s the one who left me for anything he can get. The worst part is he never thought I was special or valuable at all. If he’s so quick to try to replace me with anything that walks, I was shit to him.

Today I found out that the guy I’m in love with, has been giving his number out to other women. It’ s been three days since he’s broken up with me. Yes, my heart is broken. Yes, bourbon has become apart of my breakfast. But something in me was trying to keep it as civil and friendly as possible.

Then I hear this, and all of that goes out the window. My heart just dropped into my stomach and I couldn’t stop shaking. I don’t understand. He said he didn’t have the time to be with me, but he has time to give his number out and tell this girl that he would love to get to know her more? My blood is boiling.

After him making a scene, I told him that I knew what he had done and he just kept babbling about how I didn’t make sense. He was caught. Three days after being with me for many months. Being in love, slow dancing at a park, writing poems for him, hands intertwined swinging while we walk together. And he’s already trying to talk to someone new?

I feel so stupid and angry that I let this happen, and even more so that I feel this way. I couldn’t even fathom talking to someone else right now or even months from now, and have absolutely no desire to “hook up” with anyone. I don’t know if this is just his desperate attempt to have sexual relations with anyone he can, or if he’s just a shitty person and never actually loved me.

Everyone goes through a rut, and I understand that, but lately nothing is going in the right direction. It has been the most difficult semester of my life. I’ve surpassed a summer where my grandma was sick, my dog having a seizure, losing my aunt to cancer, watching my uncle battle the same war, and being broken up with because anything would make one more happy than being with me. I’ve spent countless hours studying, writing, reading, and researching. And for what? To be told that I can’t even write well? How am I supposed to be confident in pursuing a higher degree at a top school when I can’t even perform to expectation in undergrad? My undergraduate career is over in two weeks and I have zero clue of where I’m going to end up, especially since applying to grad school is now going to be a waste of time; I don’t stand a chance. All this bullshit about how I’m a wonderful analytical and logical writer went out the window. Any hope I had about getting into an amazing program and publishing pieces, books even, is squashed. I’ve been keeping it together for so long, being tough and making sure people couldn’t see what was really going on and I’m just completely falling apart. Any glue that was holding me together is just seeping out especially since I don’t even have the person I’m in love with to lean on. I’m not even going to edit this post or make it less “diary-like” because this is what I am right now. I’m as messy, unorganized, and weak as this blob of an entry.