The Most Embarrassing Day Ever

I just had the most embarrassing day. You’re not gonna believe it. I submitted myself for a spot for Liberty Mutual – they asked for an authentically blind actor.

It said; “Any ethnicity. Male or female. Age 20 – 60. Must be authentically blind.” It was for a commercial – it said, “National Network TV, Standard Usage.”

Well, I don’t get opportunities to go out for commercials everyday, so I submitted myself. I figured what difference does it make? How many real actors are going to be authentically blind? You’re going to get a bunch of people who are authentically blind but not real actors. So I figured if they could make believe they can act, I can make believe that I can’t see. I did a scene once from “A Patch of Blue”.

Anyway it went perfectly well. I got off the elevator – I had borrowed a cane from my 90-year old neighbor. He’s fabulous, you have to meet him, his whole house is antiques.

So, I’m tapping my stylish cane with the sterling silver handle, acting totally blind, and the monitor was like so nice to me. AND YOU KNOW THAT NEVER HAPPENS. They show me where the bench is and all, and I’m the only one who can see that I’m the best looking blind person there, I swear.

I’m already thinking residuals, and they hand me the script and it’s in FUCKING BRAILLE. Oh my god! Why didn’t I think of that? Shit. So I ask the air if someone can “show me where the ladies room is?” And thank god it is out near the elevator. So I stayed in there until the coast was clear and I got on the elevator and got out of there. I was nervous that someone was going to come out looking for me so I kept up the act. I figured I could act mixed up or something if they saw me getting on the elevator. Then this guy who got on the elevator with me walked in the same direction as me, and asked if I needed help, so I had to keep the whole thing going all the way to Sixth Avenue. Hell.

Ok. Ok. I didn’t actually do this. But I saw the ad and I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.