Would President Donald Trump Pardon Rod Blagojevich?

There is no tale dearer to our hearts than that of deposed Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich. When we last checked in with our favorite foulmouthed hairball, his lawyers had requested that a judge cancel Blagojevich’s April 20th retrial “and promptly sentence him on the sole conviction from his first trial [in August], arguing that money woes prevent him from mounting an ample defense,” according to the Associated Press.

Unfortunately for our hero, the retrial is still scheduled to proceed according to prosecutors’ wishes. This, naturally, necessitated that Blagojevich recite a few platitudes about “innocence” outside his house in front of some reporters. “The truth will set me free. I believe that. In fact, I know that. The question is: Can we get the truth out?” the average-at-best Elvis impersonator said yesterday afternoon during his press conference. “I said from the very beginning that I have been falsely accused of things I never did, nor did I ever intend to do.” Even if a jury doesn’t happen to agree with Blagojevich, there is no reason he should worry. His old reality-television pal (and follicular soul mate!), Donald Trump, is, essentially, the presumptive president of the United States, and luckily for Blagojevich, Trump has pitied him ever since their Celebrity Apprentice Season Nine days.

“I feel very badly for him,” Trump said in an interview. “He’s going through a lot. I feel very, very badly for him. I found him to be a very nice guy. I mean, what do I know?” Sounds like grounds for a presidential pardon to us.