Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree…Part Two

Sure, sure, Betty. I know what you’re thinking after Part One: “Wow. That Beth sure knows a lot of amazing true facts about Australia.” Well, thank you for the acknowledgement – because I sure do. This Sheila’s no ocker, and she’s got no kangaroos loose in the upper paddock, either. Part two of my ridgy-didge ripper commences right now. This corker’s for you, Betty.

7) There seems to be a severe gas shortage in some of the more remote sections of the country. Do not be alarmed if you encounter roving bands of highly aggressive, hockey-masked bodybuilders willing to murder you for a few drops of what they call petrol. Wear lots of leather and carry a sawed-off shotgun and everything should be just fine.

8) While Qantas has never had a fatal CRASH, they conveniently fail to mention two little incidents during WW2 where two of their planes were shot down between Queensland and New Guinea. Suck-it Rainman, you don’t know everything.

8) You should definitely drive on the left side of the road. While I cannot actually confirm that Australians do this, it seems like as good a place to try it as any – and effectively defensible given the similarity of the accent to England. (Oh, and you are an American.)

9) Although the official state language of Australia is indeed English, you may notice some slight differences – Hope this helps:

· A Frisbee is called a Boomerang.

· A puddle in American has a funny Australian name – Billabong. Krikey!

· What we may refer to as a Machete or Sword, an Australian would refer to as a Spoon.

· Winter is Summer.

· Cats are called K-O-A-L-A-S.

· Malonga Gilderchuck, however, is just a made up word like Chazwazzers. Or Kangaroo.

· If you want to see a Cockie: a. go to the country, b. look up in a tree, or c. check under your bed in a bad hotel.

· On the other hand, if a guy wants you to have a Naughty with the Old Fella ‘cause he Cracked a Fat in his Daks, then you are likely reliving the malecon scene from Isla Mujeres. Show him your wedding ring and move on.

· Bastard is a term of endearment. Excellent in all situations.

· When you clear the HARDEST OBSTACLE ON THE COURSE, shout “FIGJAM” at the top of your lungs. You won’t regret it.*

· Americans on surfboards are referred to as Shark Biscuits.

· Oh, and Coffee is Beer.

This should probably wrap up your trip in a nice little bundle. Keep these tips handy, and use them wisely. Hooroo, Mate!