Tommy Dreamer

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Dreamer has a usual breakfast of barbed wire, with a drink of his opponents blood.

Tommy Dreamer is a professional blader, or "Extreme Professional Wrestler" as they like to be called, and has worked for Extremely Crappy Wrestling and WWE, under it's Extremely Crappy Wrestling brand. He has been known throughout his career as "the Innovator of High-pants", "The Ass and penis of ECW" and "The biggest cry-baby in wrestling history".

Contents

As a child, Dreamer was beat by his drunk, and abusive father, who beat young Dreamer with his belt, then strangled him with barbed wire, one of the things which Dreamers imaginary friend accidentally watched. Dreamer grew to like the pain, possibly a little too much, and would frequently piss his father off. Some of the things his father did to him was:

Dreamer in the infamous Extreme Drinking Match with May Young. He lost.

Dreamer eventually grew tired of his fathers attempts to hurt him, so dreamer killed him and moved away from his childhood home. When he turned 19, he found ECW, which was basically a bunch of horny, gay men who loved pain, beating the shit out of eachother with guns and barbed wire. It was there that he found that his imaginary friend had joined as well. He spent the next few years blading himself, and raping his opponents. As the years went on, Dreamer started to grow tired of ECW as well, and was gonna kill Paul Gayman. Before he killed Gayman, however, Gayman offered Dreamer a chance to win the ECW Championship. Dreamer accepted the offer, and went on to win the title, however, one second after the match ended, Gayman made another match for the title, where dreamer lost the title to some random jobber that Gayman had raped earlier in the night. Dreamer decided to get revenge, not by killing Gayman, but by killing ECW's money supply. ECW went bankrupt, three seconds later.

After ECW went bankrupt, Dreamer realised the error of his ways. To get enough money to get stuff like nails and barbed wire, he had to whore himself, doing things like working a desk job, and actually working. Dreamer finally went broke. He resorted to mugging people (by hitting them in the head with a mug and stealing their wallets). After losing the box he was living in, had to live in the gutters (which to his surprise, were a lot nicer). It was there that he met professional hobo, John Cena.

After meeting Cena, Dreamer went to WWE, which was just starting it's "wrestlers who can't even fake wrestling Era". Dreamer debut as a jobber who rarely got any actual pain. He had a couple of "If you think this is hardcore then you seriously need to get a life" title reigns. He grew bored and tried to kill Vince McMahon a few times. during his second last attempt at killing Vince, Vince told the world that he was bringing back ECW. Dreamer immediately stopped trying to kill Vince, and started kissing his ass, trying to become ECW champion. However, even after promising Dreamer the title, Vince gave RVD both the ECW and WWE titles after RVD give Vince a BJ. Enraged by this, Dreamer started devising a plan to kill Vince once and for all. It was during this period of time that Dreamer's imaginary friend returned and promised to help Dreamer kill Vince. Dreamer finally killed Vince after blowing up his limo. a few weeks later his imaginary friend went in style as per the plan, but three minutes before Dreamer went out in style, Vince appeared on raw, well alive. This enraged Dreamer even more and so decided to postpone going out in style until Vince was dealt with. During an ECW in early 2009, Dreamer started to bitch about always losing and publicly threatened to kill Vince if he didn't hold the ECW title for longer than one minute. However that is not what the idiotic fans heard and they thought he said that he was going to retire if he didn't win the title before his contract ran out. At "Gimmick Matches Rule", Dreamer finaly won the ECW title and even got to celebrate. He then, out of total greed for wanting to be the only one to have a great celebration, told CM Punk to cash in the Money in the Bank briefcase on Jeff "the drug addict" Hardy. Punk won the world title due to this.
At the end of 2009, Dreamer was challenged to an "extreme retiring match" by Zack "Holy shit, this guy is actually getting a push now" Ryder. Dreamer lost the match after Ryder hit him with the "Crack Attack", but due to the stipulations of the match forcing him to retire from life, he actually won the match. After another show of pussyness, and showing his midget lovers to the world, he left ECW. Dreamer was later found to have hung himself via barbed wire. He currently lives with his imaginary friend in Hardcore Heaven, where they play hardcore snooker and hardcore chess.

In 2010, Vince McMahon sent Hulk Hogan and Eric Bitchoff to TNA to destroy it from the inside. In June, at TNA's "Spamiversary" PPV, Hogan performed a satanic ritual, allowing him to resurect anyone he wanted to in an attempt to make money... or something. He was trying to get Eddie Guerrero, but accidentaly got Tommy Dreamer instead. Dreamer sat in the audience of the PPV. Then the next few weeks, he would continue to sit in the audience, occasionally having bloody hardcore matches with random audience member, mostly chosing pregnant women and month old babys. It is not known what he will do in TNA.