Email Me, Bro

Oh No, Not Me Too

My wife suggested I write something about #MeToo and Harvey Weinstein, because “you had a reputation in college.” Not, unfortunately, as a gallant crusader for women’s rights. More as a jerk that she was warned about.

She followed that up by telling me how good a man I am now and have been since, well, if not when we started dating, at least within the first couple years.

Even if I was, at times, ham handed and gross (and I’m sure I was), I’d like to think that no one is writing #MeToo about me too. They’re probably not, but they could be. I was pretty much every nice-guy asshole you knew when you were in school. In the scheme of the sexual assault and harassment most women face, it’s likely that my offenses were so commonplace as to be forgettable. That’s not an excuse, just a sad truth. In any case, that was then and this is now.

And I’m still part of the problem.

Yes, me too.

Because it took Harvey fucking Weinstein for me to even start talking about sexual harassment with my wife.

Because I barely know what she goes through, let alone what other women and girls have to deal with.

Because when my wife tells me what she tells me, I usually say something like “what an asshole!” And then change the subject.

Because I don’t know what else to say.

Because she doesn’t seem that bothered by it, so why make it a thing?

But maybe she needs to tell me more and I’m not listening.

Because she told me that she doesn’t tell me the half of it.

Because it’s part of her life.

Because she doesn’t know if I want to hear it.

Because it might upset me.

And I don’t know if I want her to tell me.

Because I don’t know what to say or do or how to help, so what’s the point? I’ll probably just freeze up and change the subject again.

Because I can’t help.

Because, for some reason, I still think she needs my help.

Because she probably just needs someone to listen.

Because if the person who loves her the most in the world isn’t going to listen, who the fuck will?

Because I just need to shut up and let her speak.

Because a whole lot of women are saying me too…screaming ME TOO!!!

And there’s another side of the coin, and I have to admit, “yeah, you could be talking about me too.”

But even if you’re not, it doesn’t matter.

Because these aren’t random women on the internet. These are the women in our lives.

And, no, they don’t have to be our wives, daughters, sisters and mothers to matter. But they are those things and more.

Because it’s all women.

And, man, it is time to listen.

EDIT TO ADD: And beyond just listening there are concrete actions we can do to help. Here’s a list to start off with and here’s another.

3 Comments

Stella

yes… probably, you too.
Women aren’t compartmentalizing forced-insertion type rape away from the many other forms of unwanted sexually-themed interaction they have experienced.
That one is awful (and still incredibly difficult to bring charges against as you know) , but women also experience coerced sex, blackmail sex, sex requested as a reward, sex requested in turn for a reward., sex required as a condition of a desired outcome.
Then we have grabbing, groping, leering, catcalling, staring-at-the-boobs… that stuff.

Nearly every woman will tell you about how some amorous swain would not back off until she invented a man who would come after the guy (rendering her someone else’s property.). Or had some dude turn to a man she’s in company with to ask the question that she is competent to answer. Or answer the question she asked. Because women shouldn’t have to worry their pretty little heads about technical stuff, right?

I don’t list these other things to minimize the “me too” tsunami that is splashing you in the face, but to say that ALL of these things are part and parcel of the sexual dolly identity that our culture’s men hang on women.
So, dig deeper. Or– dig shallower, if you like.

I’m seeing on my facebook page, a lot of men chiming in “me too.” It’s not so surprising because I have so many connections in the film and arts industries. These guys mean it in the same way I do when I say it. They, too have been treated like sex toys– usually by men, as it happens, and I am sorry to say.

I have only seen a very few men admit; “I have.” It’s pretty impressive to me when I do though.
Keep on fighting the good fight, my friend

I think the “me too tsunami” is important. I saw a female blogger write that for every “me too” there’s an “I did that.” (Or something to that effect.) And until we stop the “I did thats” the “me toos” will continue. I know I’m in a bit of a FB bubble. Most of my friends are pretty progressive and, at least, talk a good game. (Obviously liberals aren’t above sexual exploitation, harassment and assault.) But I hope that people of ALL stripes are seeing and feeling the me too tsunami. And, hard as it is for men to hear and to admit, taking some of the blame.