The Other Woman? What Do You Think?

Email Received, My Advice Requested

I received the email below through Hubpages. It's a tad hard to read through but I managed, and I offered my conclusions, my insights, and my advice.

What do you think? I'd like to know.

The Email:

"I have a friend who has been married to their "highschool sweetheart"
for around 18 years now. They were each others "first" everything. They
do have a 10 year old daughter. In my best effort to make a long story
short, about 3 1/2 years ago, my friend found out that their mate had
been having a secret affair for 2 years or so. Once the affair was
exposed, my friends mate admitted being "in love" with the person they
were cheating with. My friend was, of course, devastated and tried
presenting divorce papers several times and they were ripped up and
thrown in their face. My friend kicked their mate out-and after about 8
months of physically watching their cheating mate with their lover
(putting themselves through HELL) began persuing another (unmarried)
friend of mine. These
two people are ABSOLUTELY PERFECT for each other. They fell madly in
love almost instantly, it seemed - my friend said "like nothing I've
ever experienced in my life!! In every way. They just love being with
each other - sex is just a bonus." Anyways, a few months into their
relationship, the cheater returned saying that their lover was gay -
what a total joke. My still married friend let the cheater come back
into the home without knowing why other than the child- afterward they
said they never should have let them return. Since then, about 1 year
into their relationship, my unmarried friend has found out some very
tragic news (health related) and shared it with the married friend -
The married friend became very distant for about 2 weeks or so - then
was bold faced asked if they "loved - were in love with" the unmarried
friend anymore and the reply was YES almost before the question was
completely asked - since then, they have not been seeing each other
privately for about 6
months now) but the married friend still offers signs of feelings for
the unmarried friend like winks, soft touches, hugs and a couple of
kisses from time to time - the most recent being about 6 days ago when
they said they missed each other by text. My unmarried friend is not a
cheater or homewrecker by any means and has tried to give the space
necessary with hopes that things will work out so they can be together
- The unmarried friend has had it pretty rough relationship wise and
took a HUGE chance by placing the heart "out there" again. Now, they
see each other every single day (work). Sometimes they act like the
other is just another person but my unmarried friend is really having a
diffecult time - being so madly in love with the married person and
dealing with the health issue - Cry daily especially after seeing each
other - it seems like they just fall apart. I'm really worried. The
married friend says "they love (care about what happens to) their
cheater mate but they
aren't "in love" with them anymore and can never look at them the same
way. They're staying because of the child - Couldn't care less about
all the stuff - house, cars, etc." There are tons of other details to
this story - TRUELY HEARTBREAKING ONES - but knowing what you know, any
suggestions or advise you could give would be GREATLY appreciated...

Thanx in advance,

whipersnapper"

My Answer:

Whip,

Well, this is interesting. Thanks for writing.

I feel for you. You're obviously very emotionally invested in this situation. And I'm on your side, whatever that is. :)

I can't figure out if you're the married person or the unmarried person. But the thing that really prevents my best advice is that you distilled the situation of the sexes. Trying to keep it "gender neutral/sexual preference neutral" prevents me from applying my best work, because men and women - if you haven't noticed - are entirely different beings when it comes to their relationships.

But here's what I'm thinking. (Let's see how I do.) You're female. Men for some reason really seem to understand that men and women function on completely different emotional wave lengths. Whenever I get an inquiry completely devoid of the sexes, it turns out to be from a woman who "never thought of that" whereas men do think of that. Constantly.

I'm thinking you are the unmarried person, in love with the guy who is with his wife who cheated on him. And here's why I think that - "My unmarried friend is not a cheater or homewrecker " Homewrecker is a term women use, about women.

So I'm giving advice based on that theory. It doesn't apply if the sexes are different.

i think your married man has a combination of two things going on that prevent him from leaving his wife.

One is his daughter. Men are much worse at seeing the truth about this than women are, although both sexes suffer from irrational thought here. It is not best to stay married for the children. It fucks those children up. It teaches them very poor lifeskills starting with the guilt they will feel when they figure out their parents became miserable because of them, and ending with low self esteem from being shown that you should stay with someone that cheats on you. Men have this odd sense of responsibility that to them means the fake emotions, the pretend face, and the stable home.

The other reason that is keeping him with his wife, is that he loves her. Not just loves, but also still has romantic in love feelings for her. I know he says differently, and I know you want to believe him. But if I've learned anything over the years of dating, marriage, and writing relationship advice, it's that men tend to marry the women they really love: no matter what wrongs she commits, no matter how much he'd love to hate her, no matter who else he meets and falls for.

Men do not fall out of love the way women do. They seal off parts of it, they rearrange their feelings or compartmentalize their lives, but they tend to hold on to their loves. If she had done enough damage to him with her cheating that it was going to change his feelings for her, he would have ended it. He wouldn't have let her come back. He will say it's for the kid, but it's more than that.

He likes that you know all of this and see him as the victim, and in a way the hero. He's allowed to have his wife and you too. He has your love and devotion, even if he isn't messing around with you anymore physically.... Your devotion and acceptance puts him in a great place. He can lean on you, and you're taking nothing from him.

My advice is that this is a bad grape and you need to end it. If you really think he is more in love with you than his wife, and you want him, than you're going to have to show him he can't have it both ways. He has to make a decision. The looks, the talks, the kisses - all has to abruptly stop. No more talking. And really you should try to find another job.

And most importantly, DATE someone else. Let him see you getting flowers and calls and dressed up and picked up after work by another guy. He has aboslutely no reason to change anything until you prove to him he can't have you.

But be cautioned: the first time you go back on this, you've lost all control. He'll never respect you. You have to follow through.

If he's really got more feeling for you than his wife, he will leave her. If he doesn't really love you, he will continue to tell you he "can't" leave her. And if that's the case you should get past him and on with your life and a chance at your own marriage, instead of just a chance at someone else's. Good luck.

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Word Scribe

9 years ago

I have a friend that is in a similar situation. She's married to some jerk ass that is having not one, but TWO affairs with other women behind her back. And he has children with both of the women. But my friend knows absolutely nothing about it. NOTHING! So far, I've tried telling her twice, but she's brushed me off about it, saying she doesn't want to talk about it. She is in denial of course. But I just figure I'd stay out of the whole sorry situation and just be her friend from now on, but maybe I'll just email this article to her, as a last ditch effort to help her out, before the situation gets worse-or she does. Thanx for your great hubs, Veronica. Keep up the great work!

AUTHOR

Veronica

9 years agofrom NY

Ah! I quote that all the time!

"I don't think he's ever gonna leave his wife!"

"NOBODY thinks he's ever gonna leave his wife."

Susan Reid

9 years agofrom Where Left is Right, CA

I hope the person in question is able to hear it. That's always the hard part:-)! Reminds me of one of my favorite movies, "When Harry Met Sally." The character played by Carrie Fisher who is seeing a married man. She is constantly saying to her friends, "He's never gonna leave her." Then Sally and the other friends say, "No one thinks he's gonna leave her." Carrie says, "You're right, you're right, I know you're right." Love that!

AUTHOR

Veronica

9 years agofrom NY

Thanks, Mighty Mom. I appreciate the feedback, we're definitley in full agreement.

Susan Reid

9 years agofrom Where Left is Right, CA

Veronica, I agree with everything you say here. The cheated-on spouse is trying to hold "his" marriage together but using the unmarried person as something of a safety valve/net. He's afraid to fully recommit because he's been hurt by his wife's unfaithfulness. His relationship with the unmarried person fills an ego need for him.

The unmarried person should extract "herself" from this tangled, no-win situation. She deserves more. She is compromising herself. She is not helping the married man, but rather hindering his healing. Even if, by some 'miracle' the married man does leave his wife, it is in the best interest of the unmarried person not to be there to take him in. He comes with baggage -- hurt ego from the adultery, plus a child, which means custody issues and an ex-wife that he allowed to come back.

It may not seem like it today, but there are other fish in the sea. I agree with G-Ma. Set him free. Go have a life. Date other men. If he decides -- on his own -- to come back, it was meant to be.

AUTHOR

Veronica

9 years agofrom NY

Thanks for reading and commenting, AEvans. I'm so glad people are encouraging of her (if it is her.)

Julianna

9 years agofrom SomeWhere Out There

If it is you, you deserve better then that. Let it go and that perfect person will be their for you when you least expect it. :)

AUTHOR

Veronica

9 years agofrom NY

Thanks so much LondonGirl.

cindyvine, I have an idea! I'm trying to email you through hubpages. If you don't get my email, would you email me? xoxo

LondonGirl

9 years agofrom London

Couldn't agree with you more - top advice here.

Cindy Vine

9 years agofrom Cape Town

Excellent advice as always, Vee, I am your number one fan

AUTHOR

Veronica

9 years agofrom NY

G-ma, my heart still goes out to you over what happened. From the first time you told me a bit about it I just couldn't believe it.

I really hope Whip is ok, there was so much emotion in that email.

xoxo

Merle Ann Johnson

9 years agofrom NW in the land of the Free

Yes and you are right on....My ex was having an affair and I found out...He was desperately trying to have it both ways...several hurtful incidents later i asked to move out...took him awhile but he did it...

My thoughts were from that song.."set it free...if it returns it was meant to be" and he has NOT returned...other then to assist me occassionaly, cause he owns half the property...They defintely think they can have it BOTH ways....G-Ma :O) Hugs

( and this was all after 33 years of being together) but sadly I still love him and always will...but would never let him back into my life...:O(

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