Thursday, February 03, 2005

Focus

I recognize just how badly I need to focus my thoughts. To center and ground myself. The "Doubts" post that I posted this morning was written last night just before bed, and while it is truly representative of my thoughts and feelings, I am uncomfortable with how dark it all is.

There's no handy guide to getting through all the things I've had to deal with in the past year. No clarity. No answers. I can't look to some expert to see if I am doing it correctly. It's feeling your way through it in the dark.

I love EH. And he's been wonderful to me, wonderful to be around. And yes, the dark thoughts I wrote of earlier still cloud my mind. It's awful. It makes me get quiet and introspective and it scares him. He worries i'll change my mind and leave after all.

A friend reminded me today that my vows said I would stand beside him for better or worse. This is the worse, surely, so I need to focus on that vow alone. It's too easy and generic to say that he broke the vows and thus, they are no longer in place. He broke a portion of those promises. And he's doing all that he can to repair that. I'm counterproductive if I break my vows too.

When the dark feelings rise up, there's only one way to get through them and that is to focus. Stop looking at the "big picture" and focus on just one or two things about our marriage. Focus on how much I love him. Focus on how good he is to me.

And that's what I'm doing. One breath at a time. I'm not strong enough to step back and see a bigger picture yet. There's still too much in that picture that causes pain or anger. One day I expect I would be able to look at the whole picture, at all the little pieces, and see it all for what it is. But for now, pieces at a time.

Be patient with me. I know how far I have to go.

On another note, we spoke more about moving and now we believe that Central Florida may be the answer. The freakish housing boom has not yet hit there and lovely homes are selling for about $300,000 less than they would sell for in my area. And, while it's a radically different environment, we're really only a 3 1/2 hr drive from our family and friends.