My goal is to write about my experiences, share what I have learned, and hopefully help someone deal with and free themselves from their narcissist. My secondary goal, is to let out all so much I have held in for years and quietly suffered. I do this as a means to continue to heal.

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About Me

I graduated from one of the most prestigious schools, got my bachelors and masters in engineering, had a promising career, and had wonderful, beautiful children. By all accounts and appearances, it would have appeared for a long time that I had a great, picturesque life, but underneath it all, I was married to someone who was diagnosed as being narcissistic.
My nightmare started almost immediately after I married this person who was Jekyl and Hyde. I want to share my experiences and to let you know what I had to sacrifice and do to get away from this person. My journey still continues as I am still working to fully recover from experiencing this person in my life. I don't think anyone ever really recovers from dealing with such a monster.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Get Out of My Head

After having been with my narcissist for nearly a decade, it is difficult to not hear the insults and be in the world of the real. So many times when I want to try something new, I often find myself coming to the conclusion that I just am not good enough.

The sad part of this whole routine and dance of low self esteem I do in my head, is that prior to my narcissist, I used to have a sense of adventure. The possibility of failing miserably did not deter me from daring to try something new and unique.

Sadly, after having been with my narcissist for so long, I struggle to find that person I used to once be. I am slowly finding this person again. My friends who have stuck by me for years remind me that I look like I have taken ten years off of my face and that I am so much more fun to be around again. No matter how many compliments I get, I still struggle to accept these compliments... since when did I become not good enough to receive these compliments???

Learning to receive compliments and to regain my self esteem is a constant struggle as I recover from my narcissist... One of the things that helps is to slow down, step away from the madness, and really think about what is happening in the moment and not what I think my narcissist would be saying to me as I try new things. Yes, I fail sometimes, but the big difference is that I am surrounded by people who love me for who I am no matter what. And yes, I have way more fun trying new things these days. Even failing has become much more of a joy then when I was in the abusive relationship with a narcissist.

One of these days I will be enjoying life without giving my narcissist a second thought. Right now I struggle, but day after day it seems to be getting easier... the more distance and time I put between myself and my narcissist, the easier it gets.