Wednesday, March 17, 2010

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been so loving and supportive during this difficult season. Michael passed from this life to the next knowing he was loved by so many. What more could any of us ask for, right?

Today's memorial service was befitting Michael's spirit in so many ways. From the group of musicians who shared their talents to honor his memory, to the hundreds of friends and family members who attended and offered their condolences. When I began to plan Michael's memorial service, it was my intention that we honor him for who he was - and he was so wonderful - and give glory to God for what he had done in Michael's life. Because if Michael hadn't asked Jesus into his heart, we wouldn't have been able to celebrate much of anything today. It just would have been a sad occasion for a nice guy who died too young.

We're all going to leave this earth one day. Some of us will learn that we have a terminal illness like Michael did, and we'll have time to reevaluate our lives and perhaps choose to embrace the gift of life that Christ offers us. Others will die unexpectedly without the time to contemplate the pages of the Bible and the claims of Christ. But one way or the other, we are all going to have to stand on the choice we made or didn't make in this lifetime. So, I'll advise you as I advised my dear husband on a late summer day last year when we first came to understand how aggressive his cancer was - don't leave this world without Jesus. I praise God he listened to me for in doing so he not only assured his salvation, but he also gave me the gift of comfort and peace I could only have in knowing he believed.

This blog began as my marriage did. It was a new season of life full of hopes and dreams for a long, happy marriage and lots of babies. I know that God will still make all things new, but I'm going to need a new space for my blogging to continue in a more private way. I have already invited most of my blogging friends to join me at my new site, but if you would like to be invited, please email me. I will consider each request carefully. And know that if I don't give you the link, it's not personal. I just need a space where I can be honest about being a young widow and living through this season of grief.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Michael's memorial service will take place next Wednesday, March 17th at 10:30 am. We will be gathering at the original Cottonwood Church property - 3311 Sausalito Street, Los Alamitos, California. Please be aware that this is not the new church property off of Katella.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Friday, March 5, 2010

Although Michael started off the day better than he was yesterday, it was obvious that he is changing. I wish the changes were positive, but they don't seem to be. He refused to eat or drink much of anything today, seemed out of touch with reality, and became more and more physically restless. I had to start giving him an anti-anxiety medication as he was trying to get out of bed. He is much too weak to do so without hurting himself. When he was having a hard time last night, I asked him if he was giving up and he said soon. Sigh...

Lots of tears have been shed today.

We had visits in the afternoon and evening from my mother-in-law's parish priest and from our Pastor Ray. Michael has been blessed and prayed over so tenderly by both of these godly men. I know we were all comforted by the words and compassion they shared with us.

Tonight I contacted hospice and asked if we could transition to their "continuous care" program. So our case worker came out and assessed Michael. She says his blood pressure is low, his pulse is fast, and his upper lungs are clear, but she agreed that we both will benefit from having some ongoing assistance from here on out. She couldn't give me any sort of a timeline because of his young age and strong heart, but she acknowledged that his body is changing.

I'm expecting the overnight nurse to arrive by midnight, and my parents are here with me until then.

Right now Michael seems comfortable. The lights are low. I've got hymns softly playing. And I'm hoping he will have a peaceful night.

After a long day of waiting and feeling very discouraged, things improved in the evening yesterday. Michael has been feeling better ever since, he slept fairly well (or so my SIL tells me), and he says his throat feels better today.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Michael is having a difficult day. He's got a sore throat, so he's not been much interested in eating and communicating with his mom and me is a great effort. On top of that, the hospice nurse is determined to get him to "go". So, I just had to give him some sort of liquid concoction for that. He is not in a good mood. In fact, I do think this is the first day he's really felt discouraged and depressed.

Seeing him so weak and down in the dumps is heartbreaking. I want to be able to say or do something to make things better for him, but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do right now.

About Me

We all know life can change in an instant, and mine has. I was enjoying my life as a newlywed, savoring every day with my wonderful husband, and trying to overcome infertility when we learned in May of 2009 that he has kidney cancer. Now, our focus is on his health. Through our struggles with infertility my faith in Christ grew, and now I can face this new challenge knowing that we are in His hands.