After years of being dictated to by her seemingly unaccountable husband, Samantha Cameron has announced her intention to renegotiate the terms of her marriage and, if the talks go well, will then offer her children an ‘in/out’ referendum. The vote will give the kids the choice of sticking with David Cameron as the head of the household, or ‘going it alone’ with their mother.

‘We’ve been in this weird relationship since 1973 which was fine for a while but now lots of things have changed,’ Mrs ‘Sam Cam’ Cameron said. ‘In only the last 2 and a half years my freedoms have been eroded and I’ve had to put up with many uncomfortable things, like the stray pet we took in who I think is called Nick, just because apparently he makes David look good and comes with a hefty vote subsidy.

Opponents to the potential divorce have said that the uncertainty over the next few weeks could lead to financial instability, but George Osborne explained that a separation could be very profitable for local businesses. ‘When it comes to the economy, two silly multi-millionaires spending to put the past behind them and cheer themselves up have got to be far better than one.’

The referendum could be held as soon as February, providing all other issues are resolved and Sam is allowed to win the family’s monthly game of Monopoly. David Cameron has taken to twitter to state his intention to back an ‘in’ vote but also hinted at other alliances if it all goes wrong. He told his 219,000 followers ‘Great figure, lovely hair, and access to a horse all make up my perfect woman. But she will be in jail soon so Sam still best I can do right now. LOL’

But UKIP leader Nigel Farage fully supports the split and has offered his full support. The long term fan of Mrs Cameron said; ‘David should never have been in Samantha in the first place. She should definitely opt out and I feel so strongly about the matter that I have said she could live with me, you know, just until she gets herself on her feet, or as long as she wants really, is it getting warm in here?’

With matters now coming to a head, Mrs Cameron has said she would go into the talks with an open mind, but is not willing to give away any more powers to her husband, which may result in an irreversible split. She reacted angrily to claims that if David goes she will be in danger of isolationism by shouting ‘that’s the whole f**king point’.