Star Jones & The FatBack Chronicles

Struggling for relevancy means you have to milk any and every asset imaginable bone dry to get an ounce of media time. In Ms. Jones case, this means running her mouth about her fat girl woes:

Star Jones says doctors warned her she would die if she didn’t drop weight from her onetime 307-pound frame. “I was an addict for all practical purposes, that I had never stuck to a real diet, that I’d never stuck to a real exercise program,” the former View cohost says in an episode of The Oprah Winfrey show that airs tomorrow.

“The doctor said, ‘If you don’t make changes, you will die.’ I had no choice,” Jones continued. The 47-year-old is still sensitive of criticism about her decision to undergo gastric bypass surgery — which helped her drop 160 pounds — in 2003. “When you hear people say, ‘Oh, you took the easy way out….’ I would have longed for an easy way. It was not an easy way. It was…the hardest struggle of my whole entire life and I still struggle,” Jones said.

Even though she’s kept the weight off, Jones admitted: “I’m still 300 pounds in my head some days.” She’s still hurt that Barbara Walters said the show’s audience could no longer relate to her once she slimmed down. “I was hurt and upset initially,” said Jones, who initially denied the surgery despite widespread speculation. “I’m so sorry that I placed a burden on my colleagues. I never asked them to lie.”

And here goes Lard-Ass, The Pre-quel:

Before she was Star Jones, famous TV personality, she was a teenage girl struggling with a weight problem and a scary diagnosis.

“I was diagnosed with a tumor in my chest cavity,” she tells Extra in an interview airing tonight of her health scare as a teen. “It left me with some physical scars and some emotional ones and I used to do everything in my power to hide the scar on the center of my chest.”

“When they took the bandages off in the hospital, I had a complete nervous breakdown, almost,” she adds. “[I wasp] crying because I saw my chest with stitches and sutures and it really devastated me at 19 years old.”

Star also says the radiation treatment she underwent affected her weight.

“My thyroid was completely irradiated. So I saw myself balloon over the years and then that coupled with being lethargic and sedentary and overeating and relying on food, it just became an epidemic,” says the formerly overweight TV personality.

Star will continue to shed light on her 160-pound weight loss on Oprah tomorrow, praising the daytime diva by saying,”She gives you a very safe place to share and sort of free yourself from demons. Oprah has been very candid about her weight struggles and I think it gave me a little bit of camaraderie to know that I was not just talking to her but I was talking to a number of her viewers who face the same struggle daily.”

We’re sick of these fat folk sob stories. Either get your grub and enjoy yourself, or get your large behind on a diet and exercise gotdammit. It’s not rocket science, sheesh.