Ah, Linux,
The April fool's joke of the computing world and an embarrassment to the open-source philosophy. The brat that hasn't learned to shut the fuck up and do something more productive to its cause. The hacking tool used by script kiddies who think they are "l337 haxors" after typing 10 lines of code in Pearl. A prime example of how group-think leads to less productive activity. Communism in electronic form. Now Im sure we all have by now heard the same old cliches about old Tux being the best thing since sliced bread, but eventually, they just beg to be examined a little more, as follows.

And I'm the king of Peru. If it really is free, then the Linux sites would have no pop-up windows and ads asking for donations. Getting Luddix may be "free", but having to end up buying up to $200 worth of new hardware just to run a computer at 1/20 the speed of Windows 95 throws the whole concept of free out the door.

Also the "Free as in Beer" line is pure bullshit, because the can of Budweiser I got at the store cost me $1.39, and it costs money to get whole-grain wheat flour to create home-brewed alcohol.
And no, dumb-ass, speech is not free either. If you don't believe me, try going up to a cop and string some four-letter words in his face, nd see if he will respect your freedom of speech.

If you think Microsoft Windows is bloat-ware, you haven't tried Red Hat, ELX, or SusE, because THOSE define bloat-ware. Up to 7 CDs full of useless junk right there. And Luddix is fast alright, compared to the time it takes for Neptune to circle around the Sun. And you won't believe how much RAM a typical Lunix distribution gobbles up. Better make sure you have an extra 512MB stick of RAM handy. (Note: If you want to see a fast operating system that's not Linux, check out BeOS at www.bebits.com. Now THAT, my friend, is fast!)

3) Linux gives you choices.

That would have been fine if there were 4 distributions. Hell, that would have been okay if there were 9 distros. But 300 distros is fucking insane, especially if 293 of them suck shit through a straw.

Yeah, too bad they are all poorly-designed, and look like ripoffs of anything that Microsoft or Apple makes. Not to mention, having to type 30 fucking lines of code just to get the program to open is pure joy.

5) 2005/2004/2000/1999/1998: The Year of the Linux Desktop.

The year came and went, Windows and MacOS logos are still flashing on the screens of those who are not blessed with the faggotry of geekism. Where oh where did Tux go? The kernel that every computer "expert" hyped would be the killer of Micro$oft? Surely Walmart can't hold up the weight of the Linux community with its $300 Linspire boxes (which end up being a dirt cheap way of installing Windows on a new computer) Looks like the Lin-zealots lied to us again, which is typical of those bastards. And it's also hard to believe that it's been over 10 years, and the fucking penguins STILL haven't created anything that even Apple would give a shit about.

6) Linux is more secure and easier to improve than Windoze.

Until the terrorists, cultists, and malicious coders get their hands on Lunix. If they haven't already. After all, it is open-source, and by definition, open-source means that everybody gets to contribute their input into the kernel.

7) The Linux community is willing to lend a helping hand to those not familiar to the kernel.

If a helping hand means,
(a) telling grandma to RTFM and
(b) posting 9 spelling-error-filled pages of insults, death-threats, and jokes about gay sex/male body parts/fairy-tale creatures on a Linux message board because she politely asked how to get her sound card to work,
then surely the Luddix community is the most generous group in the world.

8) Linux is more stable than Windoze

I like that, plus the fact that you can't run anything without 200 dependencies (see dependency) or 30 lines of code.

Now that we're done breaking down the crap, here are some things the Lunatix community has no choice but to fix, if they ever want old Tux to be on more than 0.0003% of all desktops.

1) GET RID OF X! It is a waste of resources and useless as a desktop GUI. At least the guy who created Damn Small Linux had the right idea, and as a result, created a distro that actually isn't bloat-ware.

2) Get rid of all those useless fucking window managers and themes. They add more bloat to the system.

3) Get rid of the snobs, l337 haxors, and religious extremists in your midst. If you ever wonder why nobody is using Linux, it's because these bastards are the loudest and rudest of the bunch.

4) NO MORE TARBALLS OR COMPILES! The software should already be compiled BEFORE it is released, because that's just pure fucking laziness and the programmer deserves to be hanged.

5) Rewrite the entire Lin-architecture so that programs don't need 200 fucking dependencies just to work.

6) Rewrite the entire Lin-architecture so that it doesn't require a 5-hour compile whenever an updated of a text-editor/MP3 player/Tux-Racer game is installed.

7) GET THE FUCKING HARDWARE TO WORK! If the "Winmodem" works on a FreeBSD box and a BeOS box with generic drivers, then there is no excuse for the modem to not work under Linux.

8) Standardization is good, especially when it comes to file packaging and installation.

9) Get rid of all the useless fucking distros that are clogging up the Internet. Nobody is going to use 290 of them anyway, so you might as well just band together and focus your talents and resources (and MY donation money) on the 10 most used distros.

10) Make the emulation PERFECT! If WINE promises to emulate Windows programs, then it damn well better emulate every piece of Windows-compatible software sold at Office Depot or Electronics Boutique. Failure to do so is unacceptable and will result in the purchase of a real OS (Windows XP).

If Average User Joe has to spend 5 hours downloading a 3-CD Linux distro from your crappy servers or end up shelling out $50 to $180 at Best Buy for the same distro because (a) the servers are not available or (b) don't exist, then Joe expects that distro to (1) install flawlessly, (2) work right out of the box, and (3) support all his hardware. If said Linux distro violates any of the three expectations, then don't expect Linux to succeed.

The Urban Dictionary T-Shirt

n. An example of a freeware operating system. Idealogically beautiful, but practically a bit of a hassle, this fast-growing operating system is often used by computer programmers. In fact, almost all programmers that work for Microsoft do all their work on Linux boxes...hmm...

My impression of Linux is that it's vastly improved but still not as user-friendly as Windows. I continue to hope that it completely overthrows the "evil Microsoft empire" as a large triumph for the free software movement, but it's not going to do that anytime soon unless it cleans up (from a non-programmer standpoint) some of the difficulties of installing programs.

Keep on, brave penguin!

I know Linux has something to do with GNU, but I can't remember the exact relationship...

The Urban Dictionary T-Shirt

A monolithic kernel designed by Linus Torvalds Torvalds which is now maintained by hundreds of developers worldwide. Software is used around the kernel to form a Linux distribution.

Linux is designed for intelligent beings who can read. Often, Linux is used by morons who think after mastering the Windows XP control panel they are capabl e of using an operating system that requires one to think; this does not include morons who couldn't administrate themselves out of a brown paper bag, they then proceed to complain endlessly after getting nowhere randomly clicking around KDE.

I dont want to read the manual, cant you just tell me what I have to double click?

The Urban Dictionary T-Shirt

The only free Kernel that can be used frequently and is consistantly updated and used by many very good universities and colleges. It is very good for word prosessing, server maintenance and will never crash unless there is a serious problem.
It is often considered 'Shit' but is one of the most stable O/S or Kernals around.

Windows user: (snort) Windows XP with the media addition aswell as Windows Media Player with a fuckload of spyware is better than the smooth running, user friendly linux.
linux User: Did you just contradict yourself?

Windows: Error #20983746251837: Cannot find file that is existant on Hard disc that was working one minute ago but now I've acidently fucked it up.

The Urban Dictionary T-Shirt

An amazing OS that installs flawlessly on most of today's hardware and runs faster while doing it. People who complain about it are too used to windows and to lazy to give something different a chance. People who tell you it won't work with your hardware have lied to you, with the exception of some WiFi cards all your hardware WILL work.

Installed Counter-Strike: Source with Transgaming's Cedega through Point2Play and it works perfectly. I also get better FPS in game than I ever did on Windows. When I install new programs or games to my PC, I no longer need to "reboot for changes ot take effect" - thank God.

High-end user:
"The system I haven't rebooted for three years which automatically manages my entire life. Also my life configuration isn't forwards incompatible with Life Vista."

Low-end user:
"Not only does the (good) software I used to use on Windows come free with it, but when you get used to everything else (or configure it to your tastes) it's actually far better than Windows. I've switched."

No-Brainer:
"I can check my email, watch my DVDs and listen to my music without "Illegal Operations" or worrying about configuring my "firewall""

Beetle:
"What? Can I eat it?"

Windows advocate (who does not know what a file is without a cryptic three letter code at the end. How does MP3 stand for the third (audio) layer of the Motion Picture Expert Group's first codec?!):
"That pile of crap "recompile your kernel" thing where you have to type everything and my favourite 'Yet Another First Person Shooter Which Is Just Quake 3 With Different Guns' doesn't even work on it because a) It is obviously the OS developer's fault if third party software works on it or not and b) I haven't even been on transgaming.com. Now I'm going to go to as many public message posting systems as possible and contradict myself at least three times per sentence as I rave about how it doesn't even have graphics (which microsoft obviously invented), it doesn't have any software to stop my personal information from being sent to the developers which shouldn't happen anyway, you get all of these technical system options to choose without a decent option like just resetting anything you choose to give you a US keyboard when you reboot (after a nice BSOD) and all of it's graphics are a rip off of windows. Especially all of the stuff windows ripped off from Apple. It's even used on crap "Power PC" and "ARM" and stuff which is crap because windows can't use them."

Of course this neglects the people who use/d other systems (yes, there are alterantives to UNIX and windows!) who lie just above the middle and say things like "Wow, this has loads of really good features. Pretty much like my old OS." and "I think it's good, but it's pretty much like my current OS." Or the Mac users who lie above the beetles and say things like "Aaaagh! It gives me a choice!" and "Why the hell am I using this when my computer came with virtually identical MacOSX?"

Oh yeah, and I don't count "Blue, silver or green" as a customisable interface. 'Skins' were invented by people who thought their own OS looks crap. Oh wait, windows isn't your own, you cannot change or sell it!

I had to change the configuration files on Linux, but that's OK considering I couldn't change anything at all on windows without decompiling and recompiling an executable and it's dynamically linked libraries, resulting in a changed picture and a lawsuit. God Linux is SOOOO complicated!