Words on the journey of raising a boy who eschews many social “boy” labels, and empowering him along the way.

So….

I’ve been away from this blog for a bit. While I’ve cooked up a few different posts in my head, for some reason they haven’t come out of my fingers and onto the page. I do promise that they will.

In part, though, I think that I’ve stayed away because I’ve noticed some things that seem hard, in my eyes, for Q, and it gets me down. Now, not all of these things are hard in his eyes, but I see them and my mama instincts rear their head. Also, I’ve just had a lot of moments lately where I wish that I didn’t have to deal with a son wearing dresses, nail polish, etc. And I know that’s all about me and the struggle it is for me sometimes. It really isn’t a struggle for Q, and I’m constantly amazed by that. But he calls me to be bigger than myself so much, and sometimes lately, I just find myself shirking that calling a bit.

So, that’s kept me away.

In particular, I’ve been feeling a bit sad lately about Q and friendships at school. He has one super close fabulous friend. But, as I’ve watched kids make new connections this year and traipse off on playdates, I see it being a bit harder for him. He’s always gravitated towards girls. He identifies with them more, it seems. And plenty of girls like to play with him. But when the rubber hits the road, he’s still a boy, and I think that sets him outside the circle of play a bit. With boys, he also enters play and has lots of fun. But he remains outside the circle there sometimes as well, probably due to the skirts, headbands, etc. Now Q does not seem upset about this. It’s really about me. And though this blog is about my journey parenting Q, I’ve hesitated to write about this kind of stuff because it feels like it’s more just about me. And, dare I say, my “issues.” Ack!

But, in the spirit of honesty. And truly sharing the journey, there you have it. When I focus on my boy, keeping him happy, and nurturing his growth and future happiness, all is really right with the world. And ultimately that’s the most important thing.

Looking out at the world

A quick PS: Thanks to my lovely friend T for giving me the boot I really needed to actually get back on here and write. I mean it.

5 Responses

I know this time of year I’m still watching and wondering where E will land in terms of friendships. It’s our burden as parents to endlessly worry and then add our own social issues into the mix and it can feel overwhelming.

Sigh. I feel you. My newly adopted daughter survived a pretty challenging first five years of life. And now she’s the immigrant African daughter of an interracial lesbo couple, and she’s got some pretty understandable delays in terms of social skills. And we try, and try, to help her develop those skills, without letting her know that we think she lacks them. And trying not to let her see that we worry and worry about her ability to make and keep friends.
But I am comforted. I grew up the only coloured girl in a small, racist, white town. I was lucky if I had one friend at a time, all the way through my childhood to the age of 16, when I made my first honest-to-goodness best friend. And I was okay. Better than okay, in fact. I was reading a book recently called Hold Onto Your Children that suggests that parental focus on friends as vital is a new, and kind of specious thing that our generation has invented. The guy who wrote the book (and it’s a pretty good book) believes that what children need to turn out confident and happy is their family. If they’ve got deep attachment at home, they will survive what the outside world has to throw at them. With us, everything else is extra. And we do see that with our little one. In the end, it’s us that she needs. She has one or two friends that ebb and flow. But she has what she needs. We’ve invented the story that children must have friends to be well rounded. A child who is well-rounded will have the friends that matter. And for those of us who didn’t quite fit in as children – well, with good parental support, it makes us contemplative, insightful and compassionate adults.
Thanks for putting this out there – this post, and the whole blog. Your son is a lucky, lucky person. And an extraordinary individual, by the sounds of it.

I don’t know how i got here, I followed a link somewhere, & i have no clue about this, ( my daughter is only two, my son is a month :D) , but i read through your blog & i am intrigued, you are such a great mum,i love how you support your little one so much! i will definitely be reading your blog!!

I’m sad every day for something that the kids are going through that I don’t want them to experience the way I did. I try not to act on it because it’s me reading into something that isn’t there from their perspective.

There are so many great personality traits, like their compassion especially that I love and I fear because I know what it means down the line.

No joke, I sometimes think to myself life would be so much better as a cold-hearted bitch….but is that what I really want for my kids? 🙂 There’s easy and then there’s adventure. I accept adventure and love the high peaks and work my way into and out of the low valleys.