Wednesday, September 18, 2002

If You're Going To Skydive, Ask The Guy Who Packs The Parachutes If He Likes To Shit In Knapsacks Day!

All of us have either seen it happen first-hand or lost someone close to us because of it. Daring, impotent male decides to go skydiving. He takes the crash course and passes with flying colors. But unfortunately, the guy who packs the parachutes likes to do his laundry at the hangar and naturally he uses the parachute packs to transport his undies from backseat of car to washer to dryer to backseat of car again. Well, guess what Brave Benjamin grabs off the table when he thinks he's grabbing his parachute pack. That's right, when he jumps from that plane and pulls his cord, he is just a man in a falling cloud of filthy yet multi-colored underwear, hurtling to his death (which is only seconds away, just long enough for him to catch a brassiere in his hands and then look out ahead of him with bugged eyeballs that register the absurdity of the tableau).

You think, "Hey no problem. I'll just be sure to ask if my parachute pack is filled with a parachute as opposed to dirty underwear." Sure, you got it all figured out don'tcha? Well what if the guy packing the parachutes happens to be one of those people who tries to collect and store away every measurable portion of his own feces throughout his entire life so that when he dies he is surrounded by the sum total of what his body has chosen to cast off, all in an effort to live in some sort of fort built of his own self, an impenetrable shell of protection against a particularly unappetizing memory? (They don't all fuck their shit.) And what if he likes to keep his shit in knapsacks that not only resemble, but quite literally are parachute packs. Try to make a funny face when you tumble to your death in a shower of human shit all squeezed out of some dude who packs parachutes at a small-aircraft hangar.

Just ask a few more questions is all. A stitch in time saves you from tumbling to your death in a shower of human shit all squeezed out of some dude who packs parachutes at a small-aircraft hangar.

Happy If You're Going To Skydive, Ask The Guy Who Packs The Parachutes If He Likes To Shit In Knapsacks Day!