Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Ultra competitive, you will do almost anything to win. From pull ups to pool sharking, you're very talented.And while everyone is aware of your victories, they still (affectionately) consider you to be a little brat!

Monday, October 30, 2006

I had this interesting thought today. Do you think some people go to chruch out of obligation or choice? Here are my thoughts.....It occured to me yesterday when speaking to someone that they truly didn't appreciate church that much. I'm not trying to be judgemental or anything, it was just an observation. Everything we talked about, they had a complaint about in their home church. Even when I suggested relocating and trying to find a new church home....all the same comments came back at me.

They said that they went to church because they know it's the right thing to do. They know that God wants us to be there and we should reserve a day for Him and celebrate Him.

Well....okay....but my outloud thought was....."Then you are going out of obligation to God."

Surprisingly, they said Yes. They feel obligated to go...but are unhappy.

I know the grass isn't greener on the other side but if you are truly miserable...then why wouldn't you take a chance on finding what you need to be closer to Him somewhere else?

What really amazes me is that people don't realize what they've got until it's gone. For instance....my job. I have a hole left in my heart every Sunday from not being able to attend church. However, God fills that hole with the miricales I see everyweekend before me. No...it's not the same...but I believe he puts that in front of me so I can witness Him at work. Weather He takes them home to be with Him or when He heals them enough to go home. There are aspects I miss tremendously......but most of all....my communion moments with Him. What a blessing it is to be able to share in the breaking of the bread with your brothers and sisters as you celebrate together. How can someone not miss this. Their anger and frustration mask their feelings for the Father.

I'm not sure I helped make a difference in this persons life or not,but I can not go without saying I tried my best. Each life that is lived is one that has purpose and meaning. I just hope they know how much He loves us and not let their anger and frustration take over.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Today was such an awesome day! Let me fill ya in! There is the good and the bad!

The bad news is....Ian was caught cheating on a test.

The good news is this....The teacher took the test away from him and was going to give him a zero. But she waited a while and then gave him the test later and he passed the test!!! 87%!!! YAY!!!!Then it gets better....Not only did he pass one test...he passed 3!!! All 3 of them with a "B". That means he retained the information!!! So now on his report card...instead of a D...he will come home with a B!!!

This week has been so much better. We've had a couple of meltdowns but overall....we've worked through them. Chad and I really compliment each other on that. When our patience runs thin....the other one comes in and takes over. It really works out great.

All I can say is that GOD IS GOOD!!! When I was feeling dispair...He came through for not only me...but for Ian as well.I know we still have a long road ahead....but I have been holding out for just a small ray of sunshine! TODAY WE GOT IT!

Friday, October 20, 2006

Last night was very interesting...I came home from Praise Team rehearsal just exhausted. Honestly, I love my Thursday nights so much.So when I get home, I see Emilie asleep on the couch with Chad. I carry her up to bed when she begs me to lay with her for a few moments. So I agree.

The few moments turned into at least an hour because Ian kept coming in and talking to me and waking her back up.

Without getting angry...I just decided to listen to him each time...but each time kept getting longer and longer. Most of the time I lose my cool right about now...but I was just too tired...and I really wanted to see what was so important to him.

My in-laws had given each of the kids a bag of candy....he didn't want it and offered it to me. I didn't want it but I suggested that he offer it to his sister. Without hesitation....he walked around her bed and offered her the bag of candy. She happily accepted and he put it on her nightstand.

Right next to the candy...he saw she had dumped out all her change from her allowance. He was overwhelmed at how much was there. His eyes got huge and he said "Wow Emilie....way to go on the money! That's great! Way to go!" and gave her a high 5 with a big smile on his face. She laid her head back down and as he is walking away, he looked at me and said "Mom...I'm really proud of her...that's great!"

About 5 minutes later...he comes back.

"Mom...I wrote a new song. Do you want to hear it?" I was so tired and trying to get Emilie back to sleep, but I decided to listen anyway. Actually, I was quite impressed with the lyrics he wrote and then half way into it he says "Oh...and if I had a band....right now there would be a guitar solo." I could only giggle in my mind at how cute that was. But still...I was highly impressed with the lyrics.

About 5 minutes later....he is back!

"Mom...I think I need another kiss Codington" So I give him a big hug and kiss. Then he says...."Mom...Do you think we could get commoner catipillars so we can hatch more butterflies?" I told him we have to wait until spring now.

Finally...he goes to bed. He just always has a million questions.

When Chad and I went to bed, I talked to him about maybe getting Ian a small pet of his own to take care of. He has such a nurturing heart that I think it maybe good for him to have something of his own to take care of.

I have NOOOO idea what a good small pet would be for him. I said it would have to be something he could hold and something that wouldn't bite. Chad says I've ruled out a lot of the small animal category. Especially since I don't want another dog and he is allergic to cats.If you have ideas for a good pet for a kid....feel free to share them with me.

Today, I think we will go hiking together with my in-laws. That would be fun!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

The past two days have been a bit better than this past week. I've taken some things away from Ian and that has been the best punishment for now.

Today a new Dr. called me to tell me she is going to work with Ian and see what we can find out. Why exactly he is regressing instead of progressing. So after speaking with her, I felt a bit ecouraged. Testing will beging in mid Novemeber. Each appointment is 31/2 hours long so I hope Ian can handle it.

My attitude has been much different over the past couple of days. It hasn't been very productive for me to get mad at God. Instead, He has opened avenues for me this week that I was not aware of. It's hard to be faithful in my prayers when I feel like I'm always asking for the same thing. Maybe I'm not asking for the right thing. I feel like my heart is back on track, but my mind still wants to get the best of me. It's easy for me to get frustrated about this whole situation. It makes me wonder if I myself ever frustrate my Father in Heaven. I don't know if he gets frustrated. I think maybe sad. I want my heart and my mind to be on the same path and there are just days that are not so easy. I'm glad I have a Father that understands and loves me regardless.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Or should I say as the world turns....Could be young and restless too...I have no idea.

Last night I got home to find that Ian had taken a knife to his clothes and cut them up. What would ever possess a child to do this? I have no idea. I hate to even put it down on my blog as I feel it defines him as a person. I know it's not him or his usual behavior. But now...I have to make sure every knife and sizzors are put up in the house. Not that I fear him hurting anyone or himself, but I can't afford to buy new things all the time.

So then, if that wasn't enough, I got a call from the school today. "Did Ian have a $100.00 bill when he came to school today?" My reaction was "What?" No he did not!!!! So I checked with Chad and sure enough, his $100.00 was missing. Ian told the school he found it on the playground...then he said he found it on the front steps of the school. So now...our money is gone, and the school is holding it waiting to see if anyone comes in to claim it.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

He said that he had a bit of good news about the testing Ian is about to undergo.

For one....They have a new Dr. in the office and she is willing to take on Ian's case. She is fairly new to the practice and up for the challange! The Dr. explained that it is very difficult to get in for testing such as this. Normally you are looking anywhere for 3-6 months just for the first appointment.

Secondly, She is new and as I understood it...she's something like a resident with the practice. Since she is still new......she CANNOT bill me. Whoa! I think that was the best news I heard all day. He said basically that my insurance company would not pay for it, and the cost is normally around $150.00 per hour and we're talking about 6 hours worth of testing.

So I will say...there is a gleem of light here.

The Dr. is still hanging on even though I know eventually he will pass him along to another Dr. as we had discussed. It seems he is still hanging on with us and holding onto hope!

I wasn't much into praising tonight but on my way home...I had a P&W CD in my car and as I pulled in the driveway...the song "Break my heart" came on.....

It truly spoke to me and the barrier I am holding up right now to keep myself guarded. Yes...my heart is hard...my soul is weak. And I truly need God to come in and not only break my heart...but mend it as well. I know his gentle touch is working on me.

As my son was born, I wanted him to be perfect.When he was a baby, I wanted him to smile and be content, playing with his toys.I wanted him to be happy and to laugh continually instead of crying and being demanding.I wanted him to see the beautiful side of life.

As he grows older, I want him to be giving instead of selfish.I want him skip the terrible terrible adolescent yearsI want him to stay innocent forever.

As he becomes a teen-ager,I want him to be obedient and not rebellious, mannerly and not mouthy.I want him to be full of love, gentle and kind-hearted.

"Oh, God, give me a child like this" has often been my prayer. One day he did.Some call him different...Some call him names....But not his mother and his creatorWe call him Perfect!!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

I received a phone call from Ian's Dr. I'm sure he could hear the distress in my voice. We went over several things and he wants Ian to undergo some Psychiatric Educational Testing. Basically what that will tell us is where the mental block is. Is it short term, long term, is it a processing problem, etc. By that, we should be able to know what the learning disorder is. Now the fun part comes in....if we know this information....how do we fix it? Or...how do we help him?

Well...that's a road we will have to cross when we get there.

After we do this testing, he said he would see about getting him into Tulsa developmental Pediatrics. I don't mind going there, in fact...it is a great place. The only thing is...I'm not sure insurance will pay for it. At this point, I don't have a choice.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

I really don't even know what to put as a title on this post. Really, I'm just here to ramble as my feelings are all over the place lately. I don't even know where to begin.

Truly, I don't need reasons to be mad at God right now since I'm a little disconnected from church right now. But my anger is getting the best of me.

I'm don't feel it's fair that Ian struggles so much. Everyday I see he getting worse and worse and the reality is...I don't want to accept it. For 11 years we've been able to deal and pretty much mask his neurological disorders from most people, but now, it's coming to surface. He's not making it in school....he can't process as much information as he use to....and his mind seems to be going a bit backwards rather than forwards. As we push and push him....it gets harder and harder each day. We thought from day one that the best thing to do would be raise him in a normal environment and then he will adapt. Now it's getting harder for him to do so. He has no friends, everyone picks on him, and he would rather just sit in a corner and draw forever than make any type of social engagement. Going out with him is getting more and more difficult everyday.

At our last Dr.'s visit, the Dr. informed me that we would have to move on to another Dr at this time. He has worked with Ian for 6 years and has taken him as far as he knows how. He doesn't know what else to do. My heart hurts to hear that. Ian has ADD/ADHD, OCD, ODD, Sensory Integration Disfunction, Anxiety Disorder, and is maxed out on his meds. He's borderline on some other disorders and since they are not full blown at this time, I refuse to tag him with anything else.

What on earth does God want from me? I'm so lost. I give up. I'm tired.....I'm tired of praying, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of thinking. Why did we not have a normal child? Now I'm back in school trying to finish my education and it feels like God is telling me to quit!!! Quit and take care of this boy He has trusted me with. I can't do it. I don't have the strength. I'm selfish. I just simply don't want to do it. So why is this getting worse? I don't take another day of someone telling me he won't make it.

I looked into Riverfield yesterday....I can't afford it. I'm checking into Sylvan today....but I'm not hopeful. Moreso....I don't want to be. I want to be mad. I want to be angry. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I've had 11 years to get use to it and it still hurts. Why can't he just get better rather than putting him on more drugs? Why can't he just feel in his mind the way other kids feel? Have I ruined him by trying so hard for all these years to give him a normal life? We went out to our schools appreciation night at Celebration Station last night and the kids were not nice to him. They treated him like a freak! I can't take it.

I'm in so much pain over this and I just want it to go away. In reality...I know it never will. I see miracles at work everyday....where is mine??? Tell me when it is coming. In reality...I know it's not. It's just not in the cards for me.

Friday, October 06, 2006

This morning I went to the kids school to watch Emilie receive the lifeskill award for 'Felxibility'. No...not physically flexible, but just being flexible in school. She recieved that because of efforts this week and last since she had her accident. She came back and did very well adapting to a broken arm and working around other situations without complaining.

So...here we are at the assembly. The day starts with a talk to the students from the Principle and they start the flag salute. Attention...Salute...Pledge.

Then here it comes! I cover my heart start saying the pledge...and wouldn't you know it...HERE COME THE TEARS!!! What in the world! Where did this come from. Trying so hard to suck it up and make them go away did no good. I was starting to get embarassed! At the first sign of the Pledge or the National Anthem...I'm a wreck! Ugh!!! What in the world is wrong with me???

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Well...I did it. I withdrew from one of my classes. Actually one of the most important classes on my list. Anatomy! Good news is...I'm away from the psycho instructor. Good news is...I'll take it next semester.

There is such a story behind this:From day one...this instructor has drove me nuts. Primarily because she doesn't know much about anatomy. Go figure huh? Well...she is not the instructor I chose but the college changed my instructor 3 times up until 2 days before the semester. I started to get a clue about the second week when she decided to tell the class she would allow NO questions. Why??? Well...she couldn't answer them. We are six weeks into the semester and we haven't used our text books once. Only our lab books. So the final straw was last week. I met with her for an hour after class and she decided to confess a few things. #1 She was only hired 2 days before the semester started and had no time to prepare. #2 The schedule of assignments she gave us with the syllabus was not even hers. She used another professors to look like she had her act together. #3...the SYLLABUS was not even hers and in fact...she didn't even read it so he has no clue what was on it.

I was at my boiling point when she scolded me for completeing two chapters in the book that were not necessary. Why did I do that??? Well...because it was on the schedule that SHE DIDN'T WRITE!!!

Nobody should have to go though that in college! Nobody! If they expect us to be prepared and pay hundreds of dollars...they should be prepared.

I went to the advisement office today where they told me they were seriously hurting for Anatomy instructors and they were pretty much taking whatever they could get. Well...that's not saying much. They apologized for the inconvenience but did not offer me a refund but did offer me the words of..."You're not the only student that has been in here to complain about her...and to drop"

So it's a great weight off my shoulders now. I will re-take the class next semester with a much more adequate instructor and just cut my losses this semester. I don't want to get to a point where I don't like what I am doing. I know there are periods of burnout...but I'm not there. I was at that point of frustrated and mad. Now I'm happy.

Although, I've been sick for three days and I would like to get better. Ugh!