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On The Bachelor, Demi one-ups the ‘cougars’ by inviting Colton to the ‘fantasy closet’

We have seen plenty of things over the years that get under contestants’ skin on The Bachelor: other women stealing time with him; women sneaking to the Bachelor’s room; women skinny-dipping with the Bachelor; women kissing him when everyone else is watching, to name just a few.

I don’t ever recall someone getting their panties in a twist just because another woman touched a rose that had not yet been given out.

But on Monday’s episode, wardrobe stylist Tracy described herself as “short of breath” and feeling a little nauseous because interior designer Demi touched the group date rose.

Trust me, there are plenty of reasons to find the ridiculously overconfident Demi annoying, but touching a rose seems like the least of them.

In an episode that was short on date sparks and long on virginity references the drama came from animosity between the women. Besides Demi, who’s 23, and Tracy, whom Demi considers a “cougar” at 31, there was bad blood brewing between rival beauty queens Hannah B and Caelynn; and Onyeka and Sydney got into a noise war at episode’s end.

When all was said and done, the combatants all got roses — like, duh — and Colton sent another four women home, including one Canadian: so long, dog rescuer Alex, we hardly knew ye.

Let’s dig into the highlights.

Group date No. 1 with Demi, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, Hannah G, Nicole, Onyeka and Catherine: It’s only been a week so perhaps you’ve already forgotten that Colton is a virgin. To refresh your memory we have a video of a nudish, tousled Colton in bed talking about being “super excited” about the group date, in which the women will tell stories about “firsts.” Is that enough double entendre for you? No?

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So how about we have actors and spouses Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally greet the ladies at L.A.’s Regent Theater and tell stories about the first time Megan “f--ked someone” and the first time Nick “plucked the blossom of a woman”?

Later, Colton told an audience about the first time he admitted to a fellow NFL player that he was a virgin. Are you super excited yet?

The women’s stories of their firsts seemed more cutesy than suggestive. Onyeka shook things up by deviating from the theme and talking about how she saved Colton “from drowning in some bitches” on Night 1. Catherine, the target of the line, retorted, “I’m a good swimmer” and then dropped the mic with a crash.

Finally Demi blah-blah-blahed about being scared to kiss a guy but deciding not to wait any longer, at which point she marched offstage and laid a smooch on Colton in the audience.

Demi figured this stunt was so adorable that it would guarantee her the group date rose, so on spying the flower when she returned from talking with Colton at the after-party she picked it up and crowed, “Oh, it’s my rose,” which is when Tracy started having palpitations.

Tracy, fuming about how “immature” Demi was, even took her aside for a little chat about how picking up the rose bothered the other women. Demi apologized to her face and then, behind her back, sniffed that “there’s no advantage to being an older woman here.”

Except there was since Elyse, who’s also 31, got the rose after Colton admired her “sexy” confidence and smooched her a whole bunch, more than he did Demi.

One-on-one date with Hannah B: As dates go, this was a snooze fest. The set-up was Bachelor 101: horse-riding in the Vasquez Rocks park and a soak in a hot tub in the middle of nowhere, but pretty much all Hannah did as Colton tried to draw her out was smile a face-splitting smile, mumble and remind him that it was her birthday.

Colton claimed that she’d be sent home if things didn’t improve, which was a sure sign that she’d “open up” over dinner and save herself. And sure enough, as they pretended to eat on the deck of the Queen Mary, Hannah confessed that she had wanted to save her virginity for marriage but had succumbed and now felt like she was less than perfect for whoever her future husband turned out to be.

I won’t go on at length about how icky it is that Hannah seems to be judging her self-worth based on her sexual experience. Colton said she didn’t have to be perfect (gosh, how magnanimous) and shouldn’t feel ashamed of her past, and handed over the date rose.

Back at the mansion, Miss North Carolina Caelynn was badmouthing Miss Alabama Hannah B as someone who put on a facade that would eventually crumble. Later, Hannah B worried that Caelynn would say something to Colton that would screw up her relationship with him. It’s not exactly cat fight level yet, but give it time.

Group date No. 2 with Alex, Erika, Katie, Caelynn, Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Caitlin, Courtney, Cassie and Heather: What could be more fun than going to Camp Bachelor to grill hamburgers, play games like badminton and football, and admire Colton’s muscles? Having Billy Eichner show up to tell virgin jokes, that’s what.

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The Billy on the Street star said he was gay and then quipped to Colton, “That you should look into. Maybe you’re the first gay Bachelor and we don’t even know.” Colton laughed and stuttered, “I … I …”

Then the women came running out, split into two teams. They were going to compete to win an overnight camp-out with Colton, with the losers going back to the mansion.

Catherine helpfully speculated that Colton might spend the night with someone (did ABC give her a bonus for that?), but the ladies were sequestered in a female-only cabin when bedtime came.

Before that, Colton shared some smooches with Tayshia and Katie (with whom he bonded over growing up in a competitive family) and Caelynn (with whom he bonded over their shared love of visiting children in hospital), but he never laid a lip on the group date rose recipient.

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That would be Heather, who finally confessed that she was not only a virgin but had never kissed anyone before.

“Really?” said Colton with a surprised look on his face. He quickly recovered and assured her he didn’t think any less of her for it and, in fact, respected “the heck” out of her willingness not to settle, although one wonders how much settling is actually involved in kissing someone.

Anywho, that’s the point at which Colton would normally lean in for a kiss, but instead he and Heather just smiled awkwardly at each other and clasped hands. So “Never Been Kissed” will be emblazoned under her name for a while longer.

The rose ceremony: At the cocktail party, Demi decided to step up her campaign against the “older girls” in the house. “Some of us younger girls are already like five steps ahead of them, so I will happily watch their demise,” she said.

First though, Onyeka interrupted Sydney’s time with Colton by blowing an airhorn and joking that she was “a little bit horny.” Sydney tried to steal her time back by banging a spoon against a cookie sheet. When that failed to budge Onyeka, Sydney returned with a large pot and a wooden mallet. I’m not sure whether it escalated from there or whether the fellow we saw lurking in the kitchen in an apron locked up the rest of the cookware.

And then Demi pulled off her latest stunt, throwing a bathrobe over her cocktail dress, pulling Colton away from Tracy and taking him up to her room to show him her “fantasy closet” and give him a back massage while the other women clucked their tongues over her “ballsy” move.

“In our normal relationships with a male, if you’re in a robe and you’re going in private it’s probably not to play Rock Paper Scissors,” scolded Elyse.

“The cougar attacks do not get to me at all,” Demi said in her confessional.

Nonetheless, she played nice by tracking down Tracy in the bedroom where she’d gone to cry and, without meaning a word of it, told Tracy she was “one of the most amazing women I have ever met.”

“Tracy’s wasting her time up there crying in her room,” Demi said. “She needs to be down here trying to get the rose from Colton.”

She’s not wrong about that. Perhaps Tracy should get some lessons in cooking utensil warfare from Sydney or something.

Tracy got the final rose of the night, as we all knew she would. Demi also got her rose, as did Tayshia and Cassie and Caelynn and Courtney and Nicole, Kirpa, Hannah G, Catherine, Bri, Sydney, Onyeka, Katie, Caitlin and Nina.

Alex, Angelique, Annie and Erika were sent home, so it was a good night for the letter “C,” not so good for “A.”

Next week, Colton spends some quality kissing time with Elyse, Cassie (I think, it’s hard to tell the blonds apart) and Caelynn, and Demi continues to push the boundaries with a little blindfolded spanking.

Debra Yeo is a deputy entertainment editor and a contributor to the Star’s Entertainment section. She is based in Toronto. Email dyeo@thestar.ca, visit her Facebook page or follow her on Twitter: @realityeo

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