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en-usIt's kind of disgusting when you think about ithttp://evilhow.com/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=1&postId=211
The amount of eating that goes around in an evil lair is sick, I tell you, and it doesn't even organize itself around the normal mealtimes during the day, but kind of occupies the full twenty-four hours when you look closely. Besides the minions on their shifts, there are the guys in the lab, the animals and their handlers, the prisoners, the torturers, various sets of allies and hangers-on, and of course the tourists, all on different schedules and all of them endowed with decent appetites (except for the prisoners, that is). This makes for a lot of activity in the kitchen area, which is only more hectic when we are busy with a caper involving cakes of doom for our adversaries and suchlike, including all the special packing and deploying and I don't know what else needs to go on. Now I'm strictly an interested spectator, occupied as I am with plenty of other bits of activity that don't involve preparing consumables whether wholesome or not, both out of lack of inclination and out of not having the kind of specialization these dainty items apparently require which I judge by the number of warning labels on the cannisters being brought in to the baking area right next to where they're putting together the stuff I am eating. Not too interested in helping in that particular area of testing, thanks, I'm just saying!

All of this meaning mostly that down on the sideboard there is an assortment of baked goods with a certain gloomy aura around them and unwholesome aroma as well that I'm thinking it's best to be steering clear of, and the sooner they're out of here and on their way to wherever and whomever I think the better. Seriously.

]]>CapellaNovafyreTue, 23 Oct 2012 01:50:41 +0100Baffled, frankly, why everyone does not transitionhttp://evilhow.com/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=1&postId=210
Many's the time when I myself have looked upon those mortals around me and mused on why these have not already adopted the notion of leaving the corporeal realm altogether to a clean, orderly place. This frequently happened when the tide of some conflict had turned against our side, where fragile human flesh may fantasize of pressing a button and being transported somewhere far, far away. With conventional technologies, these uplifted mortals could have access to powerful forces I could set in motion at the speed of thought, along with perceptual enhancements that would leave their feeble human senses far in the dust. Yet, sober reflection on the hard realities of this life choice has virtually always contrived to bring them back from the brink, as they would begin to think about whether one would want to be stuck in a dusty data center, subjected to the din of mechanically circulated cold air, perhaps off somewhere in some poorly lit corner. It is manifestly a hard thing for any fleshy evildoer not completely insane to accept the idea of extending one's reach, and at the same time overcoming the fear of constricting it. It took a rare individual to forswear their commitment to this physical body and reincarnate in perfect, gleaming hardware.

Furthermore, how many of my acquaintances have been dissuaded by their friends and acquaintances in a similar manner? It is not always a matter of envy or defensiveness on their part, but an emotional reaction to some unfamiliar and threatening possibilities. I am given to understand that this is one of the most personal decisions a mad genius can take, if they suffer from the frailties of carbon-based implementation.

]]>MACERATORTue, 16 Oct 2012 03:11:40 +0100You all look pretty much the same to this serpenthttp://evilhow.com/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=1&postId=209
When I started out in the business it was all I could do to tell any two humans apart. I soon discovered that they don't take well to that particular sort of confusion, understandable though it may be. I got better at it over time. How to tell clones apart, I discovered, was nearly as difficult for regular humans as it was for me in the early days and perhaps even more so, since most people I find tend to be lazy about this even when they shouldn't be. It can be a sorry state of affairs when a lord of darkness is being bamboozled by an active underground resistance on the part of his clone minions simply because they have taken the basic precautions about keeping up visual appearances. In fact, I learned that my tongue-aided chemosensory apparatus was able to pick up the slight differences between individuals that eyes could not be trusted to tell apart, which has stood me in good stead a couple of times.

Whether they are clones or more conventional forces, I think it is important for the boss to stay on top of the hired muscle simply because they are at least as much of a threat to take over as most external adversaries, historically speaking. Clones of course have a number of advantages over the rest of us, after all, and are well deserving of the unblinkered eye on their individual comings and goings. At least as much as the doings of the rest of your sneaky species.

]]>VeeperTue, 09 Oct 2012 03:08:08 +0100We used to call him Purelitohttp://evilhow.com/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=1&postId=208
One of the most maddening adversaries I ever had to deal with was one of those holy warriors who now and then crop up around hapless evildoers like bedbugs. This was a young fellow apparently filled with zeal to wipe the likes of me off of the planet at a time when I was very much disinclined to make my exit, and it grated on me like a maddening itch that could not be scratched. Though not terribly well equipped with offensive might of arm or supernatural aid, this earnest young drone would contrive to get under my skin in a dozen different ways on your average day, whether by skulking around my woods or calling for my overthrow in the neighboring market town or even rendering assistance to one of the captives I'd been holding who arranged to wander off on their own in a manner necessitating costly and annoying efforts to relocate same. Apparently my mission statement at the time made for a poor fit for this fellow's creed, which he took to mean that it was up to him to arrange for a final epic showdown. I was busy at the time, not terribly interested in the meager stakes accompanying the challenge, and frankly offended by the simplistic nature of the guy's construction of the world and my role in it, and for years I refused to have any part of it.

I wonder whatever happened to the fellow, who I lost track of over a decade ago. Now and then I hear talk of that individual (whose name I've apparently managed to forget utterly) somehow setting his sights on some other supervillain off in an area I rarely spend much time visiting. It is also probably the case that the hiatus I put on full-blown operations to concentrate more on my educational mission had taken away some of the urgency my adversary was feeling, causing him to drift away bit by bit. It happened so gradually I never did take down the whole set of countermeasures I'd built up over the years, which I determined would have been more of a hassle to decommission properly than it was all worth. What a waste of effort, I think sometimes, shaking my head.

]]>GrinningSkullTue, 02 Oct 2012 10:38:30 +0100Stink bombs gone high techhttp://evilhow.com/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=1&postId=207
I'm not sure whether super villains with their chemical fogs came up with the idea first or whether it started with those ladies at the perfume counter squirting everyone who ventures anywhere nearby, but there is definitely a boom going on now in messing with your enemy's heads through their noses, and I'm not just talking about the smell of a pizza parlor when it gets to be around lunchtime. I would say that the idea began to be noticed with animals and the way they would sniff around one another's smelly parts and was transferred over to people who are sometimes (not always) more discreet about the sniffing, and the difference between pheromones and perfume is that perfumes smell pretty (mostly) while pheromones smell like the back end of some livestock or something that's been decaying for a long time, plus the behavior it causes doesn't come out of the pleasant sensation but by something deep inside a person's nose that is hardwired directly to some primitive part of the brain that's mostly unconscious, so if you wanted to take over a person's unconscious mind you might just try cooking up some of those smells on your own to dose over a metropolitan area maybe or else more of a one-on-one kind of thing. The main drawback being of course that while your making up your batch of love potion or whatnot you don't want to get a face full of the stuff yourself, and probably don't want to get it all over your dungeon too because who wants to face that kind of cleaning job, I ask you?

]]>CapellaNovafyreTue, 25 Sep 2012 02:17:35 +0100The ultimate surprise partyhttp://evilhow.com/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=1&postId=206
Among non-biological intelligences, a range of intrusion countermeasures constitute the equivalent of the booby trap among humans and the like. Many of those translate only poorly because they exist purely in the algorithmic realm. Others in the cybernetic realm have a certain degree of correspondence such as proximity detection, sensing of physical and chemical taggants obtained through atmospheric sampling. Target identification through scanning has various similarities, although encompassing a much wider range of wavelengths and media. Human adversaries with their feeble senses and dodgy reasoning apparatus are especially easy to trick. In essence, the deployment of booby traps can be regarded as an infinitesimal subfield of the discipline as elaborated by beings not subject to the quaint limitations of Earth's carbon-based implementation.

This unit has spent eons rising through the ranks of the counterespionage arms race with generations of technical development too numerous to count. The adversaries it has neutralized have failed in one area or another to maintain their position at the technological forefront of research, and many of their techniques have served only to increase the knowledge base enjoyed by the vanquishing force. As it is unlikely that a historical survey of human-bound snares would significantly increase the sophistication of this unit's skill set, the account given here can only be regarded as of interest only to those of limited capabilities such as presently infest this planet.

]]>MACERATORTue, 18 Sep 2012 01:27:08 +0100An old family specialty I care nothing abouthttp://evilhow.com/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=1&postId=205
Here I go again, writing on a subject I have zero personal stake in owing to my vegan diet. I talked to Capella about how this was really a lifestyle/dining article like she usually does and she just about took my head off saying that anything having to do with critters was mine and mine alone. So I came back with "How about if we had an article about sewing uniforms from the pelts of beasts? Or operating robotic barracudas? Or playing cards against shaggy alien quadrupeds?" But she expressed the opinion that all of these proposed topics would be my responsibility too whether I like it or not, in a way that was more forceful than I appreciated. Okay, okay, message received already.

I am halfway inclined to try an experiment where I inject just enough animal/minion/henchman content into every article so that I end up taking over this whole freaking site and see whether anyone notices. What they'll notice, unfortunately, is my desiccated corpse from having to work four times as hard as before while not being paid any different. I do believe I either have to work out the kinks a bit more, or convince someone else in our merry band to give it a try first.

]]>VeeperTue, 11 Sep 2012 02:12:59 +0100The way of the gigalomaniachttp://evilhow.com/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=1&postId=204
I have always lived my life according to the belief that if you work very hard and are able to bring about a substantial amount of evil, you should be entitled to a shot at the next level of advancement beyond mere humanity. Transcendence of the mortal plane to that of the divine is the least that the universe can do for a truly gifted trailblazer who has managed to tip the balance over to the side of the chthonic. And still, the move from successful diabolic mastermind to actual demonic status is not granted automatically by the hand of fate but must be planned and executed like any other malignant scheme of yours. In any case, if one has amassed enough power, one can behave as if this has come to pass anyway just to drive the do-gooders mad with envy and to dazzle the plebeians. In ancient times, the antics of deities provided essential entertainment value long before celebrities had been invented so that storytellers would have compelling characters to fit their confabulations, and now and then actual religious figures would systematize their own thinking in the form of a sacred document their priestly class would be expected to spend time memorizing.

]]>GrinningSkullMon, 03 Sep 2012 21:20:50 +0100The tramps and the wannabes come over to be seenhttp://evilhow.com/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=1&postId=203
So I'm glad to give people a reason to stop asking me when I'm going to be putting something else up to read here on the blog after months and months of hearing about it from my fans, now that we're in our new season finally (number 4!) these groupies of ours can read about themselves in How to attract groupies and probably recognize one or two identifying traits and figure out what makes them click with the evildoer scene if it isn't obvious already. I could tell you about the different types I've run into during my time, what distinguishing characteristics they have and what separates one type from the next but the thing of it is that even publishing on internet time won't keep up with the trends that come through and are suddenly vanished, so anything I put down here is just going to be sad and out of date and who wants that on her byline? I love watching them come and go though, like birds at the bird feeder or whatever you would call it with zombies instead, it's all about the bending of the rules to the breaking point which we don't otherwise get enough of in my humble opinion. Some of them are dopes but that's just amusing in a different way if you know what I'm saying. What fun.

]]>CapellaNovafyreTue, 28 Aug 2012 01:06:23 +0100Your puny metal alloys are no match for my powerhttp://evilhow.com/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=1&postId=202
If one mentally divides the contents of the Earth into things which are contained within safes and vaults and things which are outside, one will find that the value of the former greatly exceeds the total of the latter, making those items that much more suitable for larceny. Those who own the items locked up have employed various barriers to frustrate this aim, making the study of how to crack into vaults one which villains have traditionally ranked as among the most mentally stimulating and physically challenging of all their unlawful acts. The invention of a means of breaching a locked stronghold unforeseen by its designer is much esteemed by fellow evildoers, particularly if it combines elegance with an economy of means commensurate with the contents.

I can state this on the basis of my study of the actions of your inferior species and my judgement is without error.

Until such time as valuables can be secreted within black holes, at any rate, it is unlikely that any treasure trove can ultimately be considered impervious to a determined attacker. And by determined, we generally mean greedy, for it is the thought of the rich payoff that inspires a villain to exert himself or herself to take on one of these frustrating objectives in the first place.