Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Kate Upton is, as we're sure you can see, dressed as possibly the sexiest circus ringmaster (ringmistress?) we've ever seen, in aid of selling Beach Bunny bikinis. It's not that we've seen a lot of ringmasters and rated them in terms of sexiness - we're not really into the "waxed handlebar moustashe and top hat" look, if we're being honest - but, really, it's hard for us to imagine a sexier one than Kate Upton. And we have pretty good imaginations, too.They're top notch
So what sort of circus might Kate run? Immaculately manicured lions would paw languorously across the fresh sawdust arena, and she'd bravely tame them with a chair and put her beautiful head in their ferocious mouths. Given her experience in horse riding (she's won five world titles for it, after all) there'd doubtlessly be some equestrian dalliances, no doubt complete with someone or something leaping through a flaming hoop of some kind. You know how these things tend to play out.

Instead of the normal sad, middle-aged man clowns there'd be a cavalcade of gorgeous lady clowns, having ditched the standard baggy trousers and slapped-on whiteface stylings for individualy tailored harlequin bikinis and artfully-applied makeup. Maybe instead of buckets of silver paper to throw at each other, they'd have actual water to girlishly lob around the place - and the pie fights would lose comedic timing but make up for it with masses of catfight-eqsue pseudo-erotic play brawls.

Is that a weird thing to wish for? Perhaps. But it'd knock the socks off your run-of-the-mill Big Top experience, that's for sure.

Most Halloween costumes are pretty dire. We went from "vampire with a bin bag for a cape" at the age of six to "nondescript bloke in a suit" at the age of 23, where we've pretty much stayed. People are free to infer their own costume on a man wearing a suit; it's dead egalitarian and modern, honest, it's not that we can't be bothered.

Candice Swanepoel, however, clearly can be bothered. Much like the previous two articles we're going to have a look at these costumes which stand awkwardly between novelty and fetish.

Candice Swanepoel dresses up sexy

Candice, here, dons a subtle Halloween outfit - so subtle, in fact, that unless she was wearing that iconic hat, you'd have no idea that the mini-dress indicates aeroplane staff. A stark commentary on fear of flying, Candice is embodying the sheer terror that we feel when the plane lurches off the runway and our stomachs turn themselves inside out.

But let's not stop there - this costume is not only drawing parallels with our fear of terrorism on the 10th Anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, but also underlining the love-hate relationship that mankind has with all technology. As we become interconnected beings with implanted microchips and the capacity to transport ourselves between continents in a matter of hours, what does it mean to be truly human? Candice knows the gnawing doubts that lie at the hearts of all men.

Candice Swanepoel dresses up sexy
A bit of a no-brainer, this - Candice is become Death, Destroyer of Worlds. Much sexier than Robert Oppenheimer, this latest incarnation comes with a mask (to hide her identity much like the hooded executioners of old) and a pair of jet-black crow wings mounted on her shoulders, so to warn mortals of her approach in advance. But warnings are futile when dealing with Death, for none can halt her inexorable onslaught.

Having lost the outmoded cloak and instead plumping for a bra and pants combo (with a strip of fabric linking them to each other for reasons unknown), Candice shows off her exquisite mortal body as a reminder of the earthly shells we all inhabit before inevitable, endless oblivion.

Candice Swanepoel dresses up sexy

They say cats used to sit near newborn babies and steal the breath from them - and they're right. For each choked infant, a cat grows more powerful and long-lived, and their innate shapeshifting abilities increase.

Here Candice is disguised as a deadly ancient feline who has drunk deep on the innocent souls of childen over her seven hundred years of unnaturally-lengthed life, lending her the power to take an almost entirely human form. This outfit says - "no matter how well you protect your loved ones, no matter how hard you strive and how well you plan - I will steal their breath and end their tiny lives." Chilling.

Candice Swanepoel dresses up sexy

We all love a good sing-song now and again, but some people have to ruin it with piracy. Hanging over the music industry like an easily-downloadable Sword of Damocles, the threat of music theft* is ever-present.

"Kayne West sure makes some great music," you think to yourself as you fork out a tenner or more for his latest album, "but imagine how much better it would be if he received money from ALL the people who listened to it, not just us with enough disposable income to warrant spending it on mp3s?" All of our artists - even ones who pretend they aren't, like Radiohead or Nine Inch Nails - are cursed to not achieve everything they could thanks to piracy. Will we ever see another Jimmy Hendrix while the internet exists?
Probably not. Sobering stuff to contemplate.