a woman, her daughter, and a great wide world

dear Mr. Lawyer, you are not my shrink.

thank you for taking the time to meet with me today. it was very helpful to talk through the elements of a divorce: what the documents do and do not cover, parenting, property, how long the process takes, etc.

however, i would like to express my shock and horror over the direction the conversation then took.

i understand that a majority of divorces are really quite ugly and unpleasant for all parties so i can see why you, Mr. Lawyer, would not entirely comprehend that my husband and i are on very good speaking terms. in fact, to facilitate your comprehension, i repeatedly used the word “friendly.” clearly, this was not enough for you because you eventually point blank asked me

why do you want a divorce?

i thought this was an okay question. you do have to act on my behalf, after all. i guess you have a right to know some of the basics. but to assume that my response of “he fell out of love” should be partnered with “he met someone else” was presumptuous and inappropriate.

and then, to inquire further about my husband’s emotional reactions,

have you asked him if he really understands what it means to get divorced? how it will change his life forever? have you seen counseling? will he at least see a counselor without you? does he have a best friend you can convince to talk to him for you?

seemed to lend itself more towards questions that a counselor, a psychiatric counselor, would ask me. not you, Mr. Lawyer, who i came to for legal aide.

furthermore, i did not need you to attempt to tell me all about the character that is my husband:

where did he grow up? oh, maine. so he’s not comfortable with emotions at all. i bet he walked away from you every time you tried to talk about emotions. i bet he just shut you down.

and then to add a cherry to this ice cream sundae of a conversation, you accused me of just the sort of thing an angry husband would:

how did you manage to guilt-trip this man into giving you so much child-support?

Mr. Lawyer, you made me cry.

i did not cry because i recognized truth in your statements.
i did not cry because i realized you are right: i do just need to try harder and then my marriage will work.
i cried because i came to you to help add closure to this event but instead, yet again, i was faced with someone asking me “why” and then staring at me in disbelief when i said simply, “he fell out of love.” and then trying to convince me that it wasn’t over.

Mr. Lawyer, i don’t need anyone to tell me how little this situation makes sense.
i don’t need anyone to remind me how much it hurts to have the man you love stop being in love with you, but still love you so much that he calls you his best friend.
i don’t need anyone to remind me how weird that is.
i feel it in my heart.
i am the one dealing with this.
i am the one who needs the closure of divorce to end this unkept promise.
how dare you try to analyze my life and presume to know what went on between myself and my husband.
how dare you tell me, in so many words, that i haven’t tried hard enough, that sometimes couples come in to see you but they end up getting back together.

how dare you pour salt over my wounds.

sometimes, things happen in life that don’t entirely make sense. it doesn’t mean they’re wrong. they just happen.
sometimes, things happen in life that are entirely different from the accepted norm. they too aren’t wrong. they just happen.

Mr. Lawyer, although you are from vermont, a place that puts out men of the same new england emotionally-challenged nature as the men from maine, although you went through divorce as well, you cannot save my marriage by assuming you know my life. in fact, you cannot even end my marriage because i will never be returning to your law office.

11 Responses

All I can say is, I really really hope you said some of the things you said in this post at the time you thought them and to the person you thought them at…because it really sounds to me like he could use some of this…um…appropriate feedback.

Furthermore, if I had a shrink who was this presumptuous, I wouldn’t go back to *them* either. Seeking wisdom from a person with this many preconcieved notions would be like trying to get grapefruit juice out of a pomegranate.

dc – i wish i HAD said some of these things to him. but i was in so much shock at the turn of events that i simply sat there and used up all of his tissues. needless to say, i will at least write a letter.

I am so sorry the conversation with the attorney didn’t go well. I’m not wild about my attorney (takes too long to return phone calls, forgets to tell me about court dates being moved) who, as my divorce process proceeds into the 12th month, has probably bought a thrid vacation home on what he’s making from me. But I keep telling myself that I’m not in this to make friends, and as long as he gets us (me and the boys) what we deserve, then it’s fine. He’s done a good job so far — my soon-to-be ex will be having a psych eval in the coming weeks…

I think you really nailed what was going on in this murky conversation, and it is a credit to your emotional insight that you were able to see his misguided agenda so clearly during what would have been a very upsetting and confronting experience for you. If he had anywhere near the same emotional intelligence as you do he would have read yours better and seen that you knew a lot more about your own life than he does.

Clearly you only skimmed this post. I would expect more from you, considering the fact that you are a lawyer. You are NOT required by law to make a comment like this about my husband’s character: “Oh, Maine. So he’s not comfortable with emotions at all. I bet he walked away from you every time you tried to talk about emotions. I bet he just shut you down.”

Nor are you required by law to make a shocked (even horrified) face and exclaim: “How did you manage to guilt-trip this man into giving you so much child-support?”

If “required by law” is your excuse for being abrasive, rude, and down-right mean to a potential client, then you need to re-think the way you practice law.