The Black Sheep

5 UConn Bachelors to Cuff this Cuffing Season

Are you afraid of dying alone and being buried next to some rando because you didn’t have anyone love you enough? Worse yet, are you afraid no one will even find your body until your numerous cats have eaten enough to cause a stench? Huskies, we’ve all been there. But if you haven’t made that love connection, all is not lost. Take a look at some of UConn’s most eligible bachelors and bachelorettes, and get to woo’ing.

5.) North Eagleville Road construction workers:Do you think neon yellow is sexy? Are you titillated by the rumble of power tools? This semester you can bag a man who has a good union job for the foreseeable future. Let’s stop kidding ourselves, it’s going to take UConn at least another decade to gather their shit and fill in a pothole. Seduce a construction hottie by tying yourself up with caution tape and blasting “Worker Man,” or showing off your sexy construction worker Halloween costume. If all else fails, just whisper “Want to jack this hammer?” and you’ll be on a date at the Dairy Bar in no time.

4.) Your hot TA:Do you have Adonis himself teaching one of your discussion sections? Does the Q in your course number stand for Q-T pie? It’s never too late to become super pretentious and start describing yourself as a sapiosexual, and now’s the perfect time to lock down a boo, too. Next time you’re in discussion, woo the hot TA by actually participating. If they don’t pick up on your crazy intellect, be a bit more obtuse by pressing your iClicker answers with your tongue, or telling them that their review packet isn’t the only thing that’s long. We promise, they won’t be able to resist, and soon enough office hours will become after hours.

3.) Jonathan (the mascot, you weirdo):Furries, this one’s for you. If you can currently feel your eggs shriveling up with age, don’t waste any more time and finally figure out what’s under all that fur. What better way to show you’re the ultimate UConn fan than becoming a Husky yourself? The benefits are endless: you can get front row seats to all the basketball games (screw you, lottery), stay warm from thick, sweaty hugs, and live with UConn’s version of a My Little Pony fantasy. Screw the pooch. Literally.

2.) The Parking Services guy:If Fifty Shades of Gray got you thinking about the wild side of love, marry the biggest sadist we know… the Parking Services guy. If you want to be humiliated, having your dignity ripped away day after day, lock down your man by proposing with a ring made from leather and students’ tears. You’ll have the best honeymoon, too, because all those $30 fines means you’ll be marrying into wealth. Money, power, glory. You’ll basically be Lana Del Rey in all of her angsty music videos, with a side of overwhelming rage and degradation. What’s not to love?

1.) Susan:As unattainable as this may seem, given that there’s a husband and two children in the way, we believe you should always reach for the stars. There’s no reason you couldn’t be the next Mr./Mrs. Herbst, and with the benefits that would be provided, there’s no reason you shouldn’t. Imagine waking up every morning in conveniently located, fully paid for housing. Imagine attending class free of charge. Imagine petting Jonathan XIV whenever you wanted. All this could be yours for the low low price of staying in Storrs for the rest of your life. But if that sounds appealing, start designing the invitations for your luxury wedding in Gampel. After, of course, you can get rid of that husband.

With Cuffing Season rapidly approaching, it can be easy to fall into a crippling, soul-sucking depression if you don’t have someone to love. Take it from us, you’ll meet someone when you least expect it, and if you don’t, it’s your terrible personality.