QUOTE: “Everything that is in agreement with our personal desires seems true. Everything that is not puts us in a rage.”~ Andre Maurois

What does ‘being right’ (BR) mean?a. OK : Generally refers to having accurate information, knowing the right way to do something, or being sure of who we are, what we want, how we feel… It can be about:
• Assertiveness: being accurately sure about a subject or a person (“I know what I know”) & not afraid to stand by it
• Justice: fighting for what is just & right, especially in the face of opposition, but not for personal gain or to feed one’s egoORb. NOT OK : Trying to force others to see our point of view & see the world exactly the way we do. It can be from:
• Narcissism: needing others to agree with us (“I’m right & you’re not”), in order to preserve the False Persona we’ve carefully crafted to cover up feeling insecure & vulnerable
•Symbiosis: the need/demand that others are just like us (“agree with me”) in order to not feel alone & abandoned
🚫 BOTH are being out of touch with one’s True Self

SO – it’s important to know when it’s legitimate to be right or notAl-Anon tells us to ask ourselves “Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?” It’s a choice between getting our way (at any cost) OR having peaceful encounters with others.
This Q. is addressed to those of us who are co-dependents & addicts, since it would be a rare issue for healthy people. We can also say that Right and Happy are really not opposite ends of a spectrum. Instead it’s about the right/freedom of others to have their own point of view, AND being OK/safe with their right/freedom.

● The Q. comes up when we are having a disagreement with someone & feel an internal pressure (from the PP or the WIC) to get them to do something our way, to understand our point or to agree with our opinion – in order to feel connected. This can only happen if we still have a great deal of unresolved abandonment fear. Remembering the co-dep Triangle (Rescuer-Victim-Persecutor), even victims can become bullies when terrified & desperate to not feel but off.

● It’s a tricky Q. for us to answer because:
— some of us go along with whatever others say just to ‘keep the peace’ but really it’s to not have the other person be angry or leave us
— some of us never agree with anyone for fear of being swallowed up & disappear (used as afalse boundary)
— other can manage disagreements in some situations (casual friends, co-workers….) but not in others – when we are attached to a person or position (lover, job…) our WIC desperately feels it needs.

The Brain Is Hooked on Being Right
In situations of high stress, fear or distrust – like being wrong, ignored or laughed at – our brain chemistry (cortisol….) makes ‘decisions’ about how best to protect itself. We default to 1 of 4 responses:
• appease –‘make nice’ by simply agreeing
• flight – revert to or hide behind group consensus
• freeze – mentally disengage, or shut up
• fight – keep arguing the point, which is the hardest on relationships, & unfortunately the most common

Fighting is partly due to other neuro-chemicals. When we argue & win, our brain floodswith adrenaline & dopamine, making us feel good, dominant, even invincible. It’s understandable that we’d want to repeat those feelings. So the next time we’re in a tense situation, we fight again, & over time will get addicted to being ‘right’.
BUT if we are getting high from being one-up, then the other person / group is one-down & therefore diminished.

• You have unrealistic expectations of othersSince you think of yourself as well-meaning, you may automatically assume that others have the same good intentions. When they don’t reciprocate’, you think it’s about you, that they’re being mean or taking you for granted. Not meeting your (unspoken) expectations feels too disappointing, easily leading to anger & resentment. BUT it’s either your —
— faulty thinking: that everyone is just like you (symbiosis), when they may just be taking care of their own needs – instead of yours, and/or
— faulty choices: sticking mainly to self-centered & abusive people who have no intention of reciprocating

EXP: ACoAs have our own version of Hansel & Gretel – You’re in the forest of daily life & run into the child-eating-ogre (‘perpetrator‘). Your WIC takes over, glued to the spot, looking up innocently, with big eyes & think: “You wouldn’t eat me, would you madam/ mister monster?” – instead of getting away as fast as possible, the way healthy people do!

• You come off as tone-deafOver-friendly people may mean well, but it can certainly be annoying, insensitive, even rude – rubbing others the wrong way – because it’s a form of not listening.EXP: A woman undergoing very painful medical treatments needed physical therapy. The young male receptionist in that office was a california-cheery type (but not in CA), who always beamed “It’s so good to see you!! How are you today?!!”
Walking slowly with a cane, the patient was obviously weak & in great discomfort. She was not amused by the greeting, much less uplifted. Even if his style was genuine, it truly lacked empathy, & was his need to project sunshine even tho’ it didn’t suit the situation. Being quietly gentle or even neutrally polite would have been much more soothing.

According to the School of Life, the too-nice are guilty of 3 major errors:
1. Believing you have to agree with everyone – making you a liar
2. Handing out empty compliments – making people think you’re fake
3. Being remorselessly upbeat – suggesting you can’t ‘read’ situations correctly, if at all – because you don’t have emotional intelligence (EQ)
These make it unsafe for others to reveal their truest selves when around us.

• Youattract needy peopleJust like ‘takers’ are your catnip, you are catnip to those even more desperate than you! Over-dramatic, clingy, controlling /demanding, whiny adult victim types will find you & try to drain you dry. They expect you to be mommy/daddy, therapist, nurse-maid, char, “butcher/ baker/candlestick maker”. And they’re manipulative, playing on your need to be needed, skilled at guilt-tripping if you don’t be-or-do what they want.ALSO:
• You attract aggressive, demeaning treatmentBeing over-friendly invites bullying from arrogant personality types, who instinctively recognize the “Kick-me” sign on your back that you don’t realize is there. They smell weakness – your insecurity, fear of loss & lack of boundaries – which energizes their sadistic need to vent their rage on others, rage toward their own weak family members who severely abandoned & disappointed them

• You get stuck in this roleOnce everyone gets used to your pattern of ‘selflessness’, it’s not only harder for you to change, but many people you know will strongly object if you do start having clear opinions & setting boundaries. It would mean they’d have to make changes too, which humans tend to resist

• You can’t do your job wellEspecially as a boss, if you’re too easy & agreeable, you:
— won’t get rid of people hurting your company
— won’t stop workers, suppliers & customers from taking advantage
— can’t make company beneficial changes because it might ‘hurt’ someone
— can’t do great things that require forging your own way
(“Stop being ‘nice’ at work“)

• You can hurt othersBeing too available for too long is so wearing that it leaves you with no time & energy for yourself or friends. If you’re dealing with needy people, whatever you give will never be enough. Without setting & holding to firm limits, & with no reciprocation or appreciation, you will eventually get fed up. Then you explode or cut them off cold turkey. This leaves the clingers confused & hurt, ‘loosing all faith in humanity’. But they just put their faith in someone who has their own ulterior motives & almost as weak boundaries as themselves.

POWER ISSUESAll dysfunctional thinking & behavior grows out of our personality interacting with the unhealthy parenting we were originally stuck with.

Co-dependence (‘Roles & Co-dep’ and ‘Anger & C0-dep’ posts)begins in early childhood, &rarely if ever diminishes on its own. Instead, without Recovery, it usually gets progressively more exaggerated & painful. It’s most often set up by a dominant-submissive family pattern. Only the parent(s) or other caretakers were allowed to have any power – over everything – what you did, what you thought, what you felt, what you wore….. & all the things you were not allowed.And when children’s PMES needs & emotions are ignored & punished, they grow up without knowing who they are, what their rights are & with the assumption they are not allowed to exercise personal power. (Our Rights).

Power is not a dirty word or an evil concept. It is only a negative when used to force others to do what we want, since that means it’s without their consent & against their will. (Rescuing vs. Healthy Helping)Internal, personal power is essential for healthy functioning. This is what’s missing or very weak in all secretly-angry people. ❤️ Being thoughtful & kind to others, needing companionship, or even going out of our way to be helpful is NOT automatically co-dependence. Motivation is what counts. (Deserving vs. Rights)

USES: The seemingly contradictory reasons for people-pleasing is the 2-sided coin of being afraid of independence & at the same time of being dependent, ie. fear of both abandonment (Separation) and fear of intimacy (Symbiosis).
Some people are more terrified of one than the other – consciously – but the 2 are so deeply connected, they both contribute to ‘over-niceness’ as a way of keeping everyone at bay. (Boundaries & ACoAs #3, re. Stayers & Leavers)

1. Fear of abandonment (FoA): We always feel like outsiders, longing to belong. Being over-nice is supposed to keep people attached to us, but is counter-productive since they never get to know our whole self, not just our wound-flaws but also our true beauty.

2. Fear of enmeshment (FoE): We’ve been hurt & betrayed too many time, & suffocated by a needy parent. Well, we’re nobody’s fool – we’ll just stay behind our wall!
Being over-nice is supposed to prevent others from crossing our boundaries to the point of strangulation, but instead it just covers a layer of ice, creating PMES starvation. BUT of course that’s because we don’t actually haveboundaries, so have to use artificial protection.
(These are related to Attachment styles)

SELF-CENTERED?If asked, most Co-dependents would swear they’re giving, caring, selfless creatures. Their True Self may be all those things & more, but Co-dependent angry-niceness is a defense mechanism, & the motivation for all those ‘helpful’ ways actually comes from the desperate needs of the WIC to shut up the PP in our head! Not to mention that under all that sweetness lurks a volcano, dormant but deadly.(‘Rescuing…)

• We’re told that we can’t love others until we love ourselves. But we were taught that’s selfish & that we don’t deserve it anyway
• We’re supposed to stop only thinking of ourselves & consider other people’s point of view – but isn’t that what we’re already doing???

So, which is it? Me or them? Selfish or self-less? Well, it both because Mental Health is always about balance (20 characteristics).

3 Forms of Selfishness (S)a. Neutral – when we do anything good for ourselves, & it doesn’t involve anyone elseb. Bad – when we do interact with another in a way that seems to only benefit us, AND hurts the other. But it can also backfire.
c. Good – when we do something that we like/ love/ want – with someone else, who also benefits. (MORE )

SO? In recovery our P-P / Co-dep hopefully diminishes, but any acting out of it is the BAD kind of Selfish, because – no matter how much we con ourselves, aware or not – the co-dep part of us is only interested in manipulate others into providing needs we didn’t get at home & that we don’t believe we can provide for ourselves.

❤️ But, the more we take care of ourselves, (good S.) the more we can clearly see other people as they actually are, both similar & very different, & respond accordingly (more good S.) – rather than what we want them to be or want from them (bad S.).
(“Abandonment pain, Now“// “How ACoAs Abandon Others“)

QUOTE: “Much to learn, you still have.” ~ YODA to Count Dooku, in Star Wars, #II

“Do you wish people to think well of you? Don’t speak well of yourself.” ~ Pascal
“Confidence without humility is Arrogance. Humility without confidence is self-deprecation.”

DEF: ARROGANCE(ARR) = inflating, exalting, over-valuing oneself. It’s “bigging yourself up”, whether publicly or just inside your own mind, & often involves knocking others down at the same time.
“The act or habit of making unjustified declarations in an overbearing manner…. exorbitant claims of rank, dignity, estimation, or power”

It’s one of 7 chief features of “dark” personality traits, based on 7 basic fears. These features are the False Self’s primary means of self-preservation. (MORE…..)Arrogance = FEAR of vulnerabilityImpatience = f. of missed or lost opportunitySelf-Destruction = f. of loss of controlSelf-Deprecation = f. of inadequacyMartyrdom = f. of worthlessnessGreed= f. of lack / not having enoughStubbornness = f. of change or new situations

ARR. is the result of Negative childhood experiences, causing:a. misconceptions about the nature of Self, life & othersb. constant (hidden) terror & insecurity (fear of abandonment)c. dysfunctional strategy to protect the Self, from the WICd. a False Persona to hide a, b & c in adulthood

The opposite poles on either side of ARR are :– Vanity (unhealthy False Self): an irrational / obsessive belief in our superior attractiveness or abilities as reflected in the eyes of others – which is what happens when we fall for our own lies (egotism & narcissism).
It comes from the Latin vanities: empty, foolish, futile, untruthful

+ Pride (healthy Confidence): recognizing & valuing all our good qualities, rather than exaggerating or making them up to mask or deny our normal human imperfections. It can be seen as the positive version of ARR, an expression of the True Self, by being realistic about our innate value as human beings

• We all have the potential for arrogant tendencies, but for people with a strong fear of admitting or showing shared human limitations, it can become a dominant pattern. This character defect comes from a need to be seen as flawless, because exposing weaknesses makes them feel unbearably vulnerable (like Ennea Type 1, but not exclusively).Hidden belief: “Who I really am will never be good enough for others to accept. So no one must ever see the real me.”ACoAs are very familiar with this obsession with perfection, because our family punished or made fun of normal childhood needs & behavior, which they treated as unforgivable flaws!

ARR can be built on a wide variety of sandy/swampy foundations, such as:
— family lineage, ‘connections’, money, possessions
— achievements based on natural talents + hard work
— illusions / self-deception about non-existent personal qualities
— being stuck in past glory & accomplishmentsHOWEVER – none of these things provide genuine self-esteem, which only has one source: Unconditional love!

ACoAs: Self-Hate & ARR
● On the one hand we see others as superior to us, ‘saner’, more capable, luckier, not damaged – like us….. We nurture the bad habit of “compare & despair”. Many of us have such a poor understanding of what self-esteem is that we’re often duped by people who have created a persona / False Self which makes them seem confident, but are actually arrogant, narcissistic & grandiose. Just because someone has a career, family, education, a social life…. doesn’t mean they’re healthy. Consider our own parents, who may have had some of these externals, yet were selfish, neglectful, cruel, even crazy.

● On the other hand – we have our own secret arrogance. Hard to believe? Don’t want to admit to this character defect? How could depressed, victim-y, self-hating ACoAs possible be arrogant?ANS: No matter how well disguised, ARR is the WIC’s
— mistaken way of compensating for its deep sense of powerlessness
— copying how some of our caretakers acted, absorbed into our PP

Our ARR shows up in several ways, AS:
• Self-Hate, which says we are the worst – the bad seed, evil …. AND
• Superiority, which says “I’m actually better than everyone else, even tho they don’t know it. I’ll never let on, or they won’t like me.”

• Co-dependence, which says that we can prevent others from feeling certain emotions (the ones we’re most afraid of) OR from abandoning us. That we have the power to control how others see & treat us, by how well we ‘behave’ (suppressing our True Self)
• Dependence (as adults) which says we have the right to use others to ‘take care’ of us so we don’t have to, because we are victims. We wait for them to be substitute parents, to do for us what we can & should be doing for ourselves: waiting to be chosen (rather than choosing), to give us permission, approval, validation, basic info, constant pushing, motivation, love…. & most of all giving us an identity!

• Grandiosity, which says we can do superhuman things, like fixing our parents’ pain & damage, getting narcissists to ‘see/hear‘ us, doing 20 things at once, skip over process, know things we were never taught…..
• Perfectionism, which says we can make ourselves flaw-less, in order to be loved & approved of. (Failure is inevitable, which adds to our S-H)

• Symbiosis (our narcissism), which says that everyone should think, feel & act the way WE do or would. We’re confused when they don’t.
IMPLIED: Everyone has to be just like us, otherwise the world is too dangerous for us to survive !!
HINT: Any time we say with anger or anguish: “I just can’t understand how he/she could do/be XYZ….” we are saying that because WE would feel or do things a certain way – they should too!… that our way is reasonable & correct, so how can they be so dumb, mean, selfish….?

BTW: It very IMP for ACoAs to learn & believe that it is NOT arrogant or selfish* to take care of ourselves, acknowledging our needs & acting on them – before the needs/wants of other adults.
➼ It is in fact self-esteem, a requirement for mature, successful living, so that we’re not ‘using’ others to get our needs met or to tell us who we are supposed to be.

*Selfish is when we expect someone to give themselves up for us – to do what we want them to do instead of what suits them.
Selfish is when we expect others to take care of us, instead of supporting them in taking loving care of themselves.

SELF-CARE is about taking responsibility for our own life, being in charge of our choices, being our own motivator – rather than blaming others or the ‘universe’ when we don’t feel taken care of. Self-care = Mental Health

1. MIND-READING (M-R) – cont.a . Official meaning➼ Reality: you’re therapist was up all nite with a sick child or writing their blog! :), & you were invited to dinner because the hostess likes you & knows you’ll be a great addition!EXP of NOT mind-reading:
I taught my 12-week ACoA course “Knowledge is Power” over 10 years. Reaction from students varied widely in every class. Some listened intently, taking notes & asking questions. Others fidgeted, yawned, fell asleep, got mad, or stopped coming.

Regarding the latter group – IF I had used the classic form of mind-reading, I would have assumed that even tho’ some students seem interested, the ‘disinterested’ people indicated the ‘truth’ – that I was a boring speaker, gave complicated or worthless info & generally wasted their time – the LIE that the bad voice whispers!

➼ However, I KNOW I’m a good teacher, that my material is important & useful, & have been told by many students that the course greatly improved their lives. I also know that some people were very tired (especially being an evening class), some had ADD & so usually have trouble sitting still for 2-3 hours, but most of all – the class material brought up a lot of difficult awarenesses & intense pain, so that some people just wanted to opt out. So their seeming lack of interest was ALSO a validation of my work! So there – PP! See – Little One??

b. A Variation
Another way mind-reading can show up is projecting ourwishes, needs & tastes onto others. It’s not a strict interpretation of the definition, but is the same aspect of the child’s narcissism – ‘I am you & you are me.’ It’s still based on OUR personality, not on who the other person is.

INSTEAD OF nurturing us, our family:
• over-controlled us • expected us to be little adults
• demanded we be perfect and without needs – so they wouldn’t have to deal with us
• didn’t guide us, so we had to fend of ourselves, without much training! – which then became another version of the ACoA Dilemma mentioned recently:✓ As kids – we had to take care of ourselves – not always in material ways, but definitely emotional & often mental, which gave us the message we weren’t worthy of being taken care of – SO✓ As Adults – we believe we should not / cannot care for ourselves, from lack of appropriate help and lack of permission

i. The WIC projects that everyone is like our parents – who were totally wrapped up in their own worries & addictions.
• They expected us to figure out what they needed & then provide it. This was either said or implied, but we got the message.
✶ So that’s what we assume everyone else wants of us too.
• Also, we were punished for not getting it right! Either directly, by them berating or hitting us, or just by continuing to be drunk, crazy, mean, depressed…. This left us with a great deal of anxiety – fearful that we’d get it wrong AND not knowing what to do or how to be, anyway

ii. We’re now the ones being controlling – trying to make everyone & everything around us SAFE so we can feel less terrified, by making sure they have all their needs met – by us. The assumption is that everyone is as weak, needy, incompetent, scared, sick…… as our parents were.
The WIC is convinced that when we fix them, they will: protect us, never leave us, take care of us, love us …. if only we work hard enough to get it right. Unfortunately, as long as our Adapted Child picks, they’re going to be unsafe, just like our family!

1. MIND-READING (M-R)a. OFFICIAL Meaning
This is one of the many Cognitive Distortions (CDs) that plague ACoA & alcoholic thinking: “… an arbitrary conclusion that someone is thinking or reacting negatively to you, without any real evidence… often going contrary to what the other person actually says and does, and is almost always pessimistic in nature…”

• This CD is fundamentally a projection of our IC’s self-hate or the critical voice of our Negative Introject. It is an example of narcissism, which allows the IC to conclude we are the same as the other person, so — if I think & feel a certain way, so will you!

Wikipedia: Psychological projectionis a defense mechanism whereby a person unconsciously denies their own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, such as to the weather, or to other people…. it reduces anxiety by allowing a form of expression of the unwanted / unacceptable (unconscious) impulses or desires without letting the conscious mind recognize those needs & wishes.

➼ Mind-reading is completely about US – not
about the person or group we’re referring to.
Because of that, we insure staying disconnected from the rest of humanity, which reinforces our sense of alienation. ACoAs are notorious for believing ‘We don’t belong anywhere’, even when in a room full of other ACoAs!

M-R comes from:
• our fear of separateness – if we ‘know’ what someone is thinking then we are joined (symbiotic) & can stave off the bitter loneliness of the IC
• knowing from experience that our parents did not love us unconditionally & so assume everyone else will feel the same towards us

• growing up in families where emotional & mental honesty was missing, so we had to guess at what others were thinking or feeling
• needing to protect ourselves at all times from the ‘dangerous’ world
• not being taught how to gather info correctly, we make up things. We’re not allowed to ask AND assume we won’t get the truth anyway
• trying to figure out how to behave (if I believe I know what you’re thinking I can adjust my actions accordingly)SO OUR:
✧ S-H becomes “Nobody likes me”
✧ FoA becomes “She would never spend time with me”
✧ paranoia becomes “I know they’re talking about me”
✧ fear of rejection becomes “She’ll too busy to help me”
✧ perfectionism becomes “They all thought my _____ was awful”
✧ lack of boundaries becomes “The boss expects me to be just like her!”

Me, me, me! It completely erases others, as if they didn’t have separate identities, minds of their own OR had other things to think about besides us!

EXP: Paul sits anxiously in a 12-step meeting, raising his hand but not getting called on. He’s convinced the speaker is deliberately avoiding him – “he must not want to hear what I have to say… he doesn’t like me… he thinks he’s better than me…”, so Paul sits & fumes.

➼ Reality: If Paul had asked the speaker about this, he would have been told: “I’m sorry, I saw your hand, but just didn’t get to you. It’s so hard to pick – you want to include everyone, but there’s just not enough time.”EXP: If your therapist yawns or seems distracted – you assume he / she is bored with you. Or if you get invited to a dinner party, you’re sure they only invited you along to make up the seating numbers.

CONTINUING this kind of M-R keeps us:• Internally– attached to our dangerous family // anxious & needing to isolate
• Externally– suspicious of everyone’s motives // missing out on all the good people & opportunities that present themselvesSO: Once we clearly know an un-recovered person’s toxic pattern from many painful encounters, it’s time to stop giving them the ‘benefit of the doubt’! How many more times do we need to be hit over the head?

2. Staying Attached : WE WANT to stay connected to even the most abusive family members & believe it’s our fault when that never seems to work out in our favor
• many ACoAs still have the illusion that if only we are perfect, ‘good’, successful, smart, care-taking of them…. enough – our addicted, self-centered, self-hating, severely damaged parents or substitutes (spouse, boss, adult-child….) will finally accept & love us just the way we are – so we never have to let go & grow up (love ourselves)

• even the smartest of us may harbor a secret hope that one day our parents &/or siblings will ‘get well / see the light…’ for themselves. We want them to get better, because we know they’re suffering, BUT we also want it so we can stay connected to them

• some of us have a parent who does eventually enter AA, and may become less abusive in some ways – but unless they also do at least some FoO work they’re not going to be the parent we always wanted
• we’re so desperate to get their approval we refuse to see how incapable of love many of them really are – especially if they throw us a crumb once in a while. Walking away or pulling back from such people entails “Crumb withdrawal”!
• when they hurt us yet again, we either suck it up & use our own addictions to numb the pain OR we turn it completely on ourselves & become depressed, non-functioning & suicidal – for a while after any encounter with them.

B. ….of OTHERS1. Be Rescued: WE WANT too much from others, which is the WIC’s demand that somebody make up for what we didn’t get from our parents. Yes, demand. We know this because of the hurt & rage that comes up when we don’t get the care & attention we so desperate long for – but rarely verbalize. The bigger the disappointment, the greater the helpless rage
• This seems obvious with Compliers, by hooking up with Rescuer ACoAs, who will do way too much for the ‘poor helpless victims’

• It’s less obvious with Isolators, who don’t seem to need much, if anything. They have the same longing, if not more so, but are even more afraid & filled with shame to let anyone see how weak & needy they are. So they keep ‘starving’. And waiting – for a miracle – which they think they don’t deserve & don’t really believe will ever come. But they still wait – instead of getting some of what they need for themselves

• Even harder to see is that Rescuers also want to be rescued. They’re not allowed to be given to either, but under all their care-taking is the intense demand they secretly have of the rescue-ee: “…make me feel valued, needed, smart, appreciated, capable, loved … and most of all – get well so you can take care of ME!”

2. Symbiosis: WE WANT / expect others to treat us the way we would treat them (a symbiotic wish) – as if everyone is our identical twin. ACoAs will often say “But, I would never do that to them!” or “I don’t understand how she could have said that?!” or “They can’t really be that dumb/ mean / selfish/ careless…” or “I don’t understand how she could not like that!” etc.

• So what? They are not us! It should be obvious, but clearly it’s not: they have separate bodies, separate experiences, separate minds, separate tastes … so why do we still expect them to be like us?!
• When we think that way we’re reacting to people the same way our parents treated us – as extensions of themselves, rather than as separate beings. That’s our narcissism.