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As mentioned in our last article thinking. again, of how one views addictions can, indeed help the person you love and want to help. Thinking of addiction as a compulsive behaviour rather than a disease or a character flaw can reap benefits when trying to help somebody with an addiction. An addict is not blind, a significant amount of the time they feel ashamed and guilty of what they’ve put their loved ones through. Someone with an addiction will convincingly tell you they are trying to stop or will never drink or do their addictive behaviour again, but will often do their behaviour nevertheless. On the surface, this looks like an outright lie, but at the heart of it, they are trying to stop. Often, the drive to relieve psychological pain it too much great; thinking of addiction as just a bad habit is a wrong assumption.

Another assumption often made, by people trying to help an addict or someone with a compulsive behaviour that if they try hard enough, they can fix the person with the addiction. Often this will cause the addict to lie about their addiction all the more, this lying is a source of shame, causing more psychological pain pushing them more and more into that addictive behaviour.

Something to bear in mind, for anybody helping somebody with an addiction, is that guilt and shame are powerful drivers for addictive behaviour. Furthermore, if the addict, is lying that does not mean that they no longer love you or respect you. Fundamentally lying is a part of addiction. Often, addictions are driven by a powerful and necessary drive to fight against a sense of helplessness.

A way of understanding this is to imagine a person trapped in the cave, and battling out of the cave with a broken wrist. This is not self-destructive is just a sense of overwhelming powerlessness and the need to battle, that helplessness.

This article originally appeared in counselling directory

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During the summer I was to see something that set me thinking. I was in a large shopping mall; there was a seated area where I was waiting for my wife. A young woman was breastfeeding her baby, under a muslin cloth; nothing wrong with that quite natural but what she was doing while she was breastfeeding her child was looking at her mobile phone.

As someone who teaches anger management, I have learned through my research one of the fundamental ways that we assess threats by looking into the face of our would-be aggressor. We evaluate threats in less than the blinking of an eye quickly making the decision, whether a person is a threat or not a threat. This response, according to research has found that in early childhood, looking at or mother’s eyes. I wondered, what the young lady breastfeeding her child was teaching her child, what internal message had this baby received from its mother, as she is updating her Facebook status or text a friend. Experts say

I was recently touched by a post, ironically, on Facebook by a gentleman called Gary Turk, you may have seen this. Turk asked us to look up, from a mobile device, that life can be going by whilst we engage in social media. I urge you to watch this and paradoxically life is as we frantically engage in social media.

I wonder what mixed messages the baby in the arms, of the young lady, engaged with social media, had got from its mother: who was too busy engaging social media or texting even to look at her child breastfeeding, the most naturally bonding thing a mother can do for its child.

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A recent article in new scientist magazine suggests research undertaken by a joint team of scientists working in America and Israel, have had some success in helping with clients overcome suicidal thoughts. The participants in the study were given painkillers (buprenorphine). The research suggests that there is some improvement in people’s thinking.

In this small study carried out in the US, by this joint team, participants were given the painkiller buprenorphine, because the low risk this carries from an overdose, also, the doses were kept low to carry less risk to the participant. Preliminary results show that people improved their mood on pain relief medication and were able to cope adequately with life.

It is thought that buprenorphine act on a number of opioid receptors in the brain, scientists of unsure which receptors exactly, but there is a promise that giving suicidal patients buprenorphine, may stave off the thoughts of taking their own life’s.

As yet GPs, psychiatrists and mental health professionals have nothing to help clients with suicidal idealization. This research may help thousands of people in the UK. The idea of a pharmaceutical which patients with suicidal thoughts could take to quell these suicidal thoughts has been asked for over 20 years by mental health professionals. Although this research is in its infancy, it certainly shows promising’s signs.

According to the phone helpline charity, the Samaritans 4,722 people in the UK took their own life in 2013, with the largest figure being in the male population at 3,684.

Suicide biggest killer of men between the age of 18 and 34, according to the Samaritans figures.

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Christmas; a time for re-evaluation, and de-stressing?

Christmas and New Year is often a time when we take a good look at what happened the previous year. Also, it’s a time when we rest, and spend time with our family. But for some this is not so.

As we fast approach the Christmas season, we thought it may be good to look at tiredness, and how there are two distinctive types.

The two types of tiredness are not too dissimilar to different types of clouds, the large clouds you see on a sunny day, or spring clouds bringing rain. The other is the type of cloud that predicts a storm front or sometimes bad weather, high winds, and all too frequent hurricane force winds.

The first type of tiredness is normal, it’s temporary and it comes after you finished a good job. Furthermore, after a time of rest, you bounce back ready to go again.

The other type of tiredness is a type of chronic fatigue, this builds up over many months, of stress and strain. Unfortunately, this type of fatigue doesn’t manifest itself as exhaustion. In fact, it is often masked by frantic activity, alongside impulsive behavior. Here are some of the signs to look out for.

Six warning signs that you’re stressed, and need to rest.

If You or someone you know is finding it difficult to relax over a meal or coffee. They may be a sense that the person has to get on with something, but seems to lack direction or planning.

If You or someone you know is finding themselves checking and rechecking emails, constantly looking, at their mobile phone tablet or laptop.

If Your office desk, or workplace is piled high with literature, that you are about to read, designed to keep, you or someone you know one step ahead of their competitors, but it never seems to get read.

If You or someone you know is not having time off, as it seems impossible to have a break or they may be constantly keep putting off having days off work.

If You or someone you know may be having trouble sleeping.

If You or someone you know, has spent any time “escaping” this may be drinking, eating too much mind sitting watching television.

If any of this sounds familiar? Then maybe it’s time you took some time off and re-evaluated.

Stresses is like boiling a frog

The truth is that stress is rather like boiling a frog, if a frog is put in a boiling pan water, it will jump straight out. The frog knows it’s hot and has enough sense to jump out of the boiling water. But if you put a frog lukewarm or tepid water, put it on the stove and slowly turn the gas up the frog and stay there till its boiled alive.

Stress can be quite like this, sometimes we don’t know we’ve been stressed or tired until we have a break. Sometimes we can be poisoned by the belief that we are doing good things by working hard, but actually there is a point of diminishing odds.

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A report released by the Samaritans organisation, in June this year (2015), highlights the problem of men turning to alcohol instead of talking about their problems. What is more worrying, according to the report, this increases the risk of suicide.

The Samaritans suggest that the government should reconsider their response to the nation’s unhealthy drinking culture.

It is well known that the biggest killer of men between the age of 18 and 34 is suicide. What the Samaritans are suggesting is that there should be more communication between mental health teams and drug and alcohol teams. Unfortunately, with recent austerity measures, agencies such as drug and alcohol and mental health teams are being cut to the bare bone. The question here is how one gets men to engage, in talking about themselves (fundamentally, how does one get men talking).

An interesting point is raised in the report, commenting that masculinity plays a great deal in the way men see themselves. The report suggests that men will often compare themselves, to their perceived model of what a man should be, often this can be a distorted image, of a man being powerful, white, rich, good-looking, and heterosexual. The reports suggest that when men are not reaching this model, often they can become filled with a sense of shame guilt and ultimately defeat.

Being a breadwinner is often central to being a man, particularly for blue-collar workers. Frequently, the loss of control due to a depressive episode or crisis will make a man feel chaotic, this often, can push men towards suicidal behaviours in an effort to regain some sort of control over their life. Regularly men, searching for relief from the psychological pain and the feeling of loss of control, will seek out substances such as drugs or alcohol, or both, as a way of coping.

Throughout childhood, boys are taught to be a man, looking to his father for guidelines, for how this is. Undoubtedly some of these messages can be, mixed. Furthermore, if the young boy’s father is not around, some of these messages can come from external forces, such as culture, social media or TV.

The report suggests that men in midlife, often seek out their partner as emotional support, suggesting that the man loses support from his peers after the age of 30. The report goes on to say that men traditionally seek out companionship, in doing an activity, but these relationships can often be superficial.

Traditionally, men have a poor view of psychotherapy/ counselling, coming to therapy only in extreme circumstances. This is something that we at Eleos counselling are working very hard to correct.

At the time of writing, unemployment in the UK is higher amongst men than it is amongst women. Traditional jobs, such as manufacturing are changing rapidly, with the onset of new technology. Added to this uncertainty, such factors as zero hours contracts, temporary employment, and for some, self-employment, to name but a few.

Perhaps one of the ways to engage men in any of form meaningful communication regarding their feelings, is to offer group therapy. The idea of self-supporting groups is not a new one, you only have to think of the 12 step program, and the tremendous support that gives, to see this could work, if marketed correctly.

Traditionally, men in the UK are Conservative bunch, the report suggests that men in the UK are caught between the strong silent type and the new man; being able to speak about one’s feelings openly. At Eleos counselling, we are looking at new ways of engaging men in therapy, rather than being reactive, we would like to be more proactive.

If this article has raised questions for you and you would like to talk to someone, then possibly Eleos counselling can help. If you would like to clink on the link below to be taken to the Eleos counselling main website.

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Anger can be a difficult thing to control, recently at Eleos counselling we are developing an anger management course for young people. We feel this is very important as teaching young people how to control their anger now will reduce the amount of angry incidences, not only in school, now, but later in life, when they have to interact with others, with authority, and form relationships with others.

It’s a fact, the more heated the disagreement, the more our inner pressure gauge goes up this can build up to breaking point, is at this point anger and rage can rear its ugly head.

This reminds me of a short story, I once read, about very religious and God-fearing Quaker farmer who owned a disagreeable cow. Every time he went to milk her it would be a battle of wills.

Early one morning, at milking time, the cow was unusually short-tempered, but the farmer was unwavering in his attitude to ensure the milking session, went, without so much as a bad attitude. As the farmer started to milk, the cow trod on the farmer’s foot with all her bulk. He winced silently, but mumbled under his breath freeing his foot, and then sat back on his stool to milk. The cow, then squished her tail in his face like a long fibrous whip. The farmer just merely leaned away so to avoid the cow’s tail, next she kicked over the milking bucket, by then half full with milk. The farmer started to mutter a few words to himself; but never lost his temper. Once finished with the ordeal of milking this cow the farmer inhaled a sigh of relief, picked up his bucket and stool and as he was leaving, the cow lets off a kick, kicking the farmer against the barn wall, catapulting him 12 to 15 feet. That, unfortunately, did it, the farmer, raised to his full height, walked in front of the cow stared at her big brown eyes and then he shook his long scrawny finger at the face, of the dairy cow, and he shouted, you know I’m a Quaker, but I can sell you to an unbeliever.

It’s not at getting angry, that’s the problem, it’s how we express that anger. Sometimes, that can be inappropriate, telling the boss where to stick his job might cause some relief, temporary, but when you have no paycheck at the end of the month, to pay the bills that may cause you a problem.

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New figures released under Freedom of information act, Highlight that there that there is an inadequate amount of residential rehabilitation for drug users. This is added to the political debate on how people with drug habits are to be treated.

The ongoing debate ,by some experts, suggests that community-based rehabilitation is more successful and less costly than so-called L ive in treatments. Furthermore, Figures released suggest that there are 138 addicts for every residential rehabilitation placement in England. The drastic lacking places this is possibly due to lack of funding, as local government finances are cut back as part of austerity measures in general.

Taking somebody out of their normal circle of friends and put them into a rehabilitation center can sometimes be good for the addict, in general. They have time to reconsider their lives and have no network where they can acquire their drug choice. But, one would argue they have to live in the real world. Returning back to their home town, can start an addiction back up after being clean for several months in the rehab unit.

Perhaps one thing to consider is the amount of support drug users get. This varies from excellent to inadequate, depending on where you live. If the government goes for a community-based rehabilitation programme. One would suggest that they have to be some form of psychological support put in place as well as chemical support.

Psychotherapy has often played second fiddle, with drug and alcohol agencies, adding it as an afterthought rather than necessity. Using trained councillors/psychotherapy to help people through the drug addiction can have a marked effect on long-term prognosis.

Looking at why a person took to drugs in the first place can be very painful for them, but very useful in finding their triggers, and also they come to terms with old hurts, which may have caused them to use in the first place.

An interesting comment was made in the report. Inasmuch as, the UK is now deemed the addicted man of Europe, proportionally more having more problematic drug users in any country in Europe.

The report also asked for local authorities to adopt new models in drug and alcohol treatment. Perhaps one of these could be a home-based abstinence programme supplemented with psychotherapy at a local center?

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It would be right to say that most adults have angry feelings, these are normal reactions to when things which frustrate us when things go wrong, or people feel an injustice has been done to them. Children, young people express these feelings in different ways.

In a young toddler or young child, frustration and anger is often expressed by tantrums, when they don’t get what they feel they should or get their own way. They can hit, scream, throw things and often destroy possessions. This is their way of saying they don’t like the emotions or feelings they have, and struggling to express these words. Consequently, their behaviours express their anger and frustration.

In teenagers anger can be expressed by being defiant and refusing to keep house rules. A teenager will often push against boundaries to increase their own independence or sense of self.

Young adults and children can often convey their anger by shouting, refusing to do what they’re told. Furthermore, a disturbing behaviour, Parents often witnessed or objects of is when a child starts to hit them or hurt them, often using spiteful words, which often cuts to the quick.

Young person or child could have many reasons for express their anger inappropriately, including the following:

Struggling to come to terms with hormonal changes during puberty.

Divorce or separation in parents.

Sibling rivalry or jealousy towards a brother or sister.

The feeling of rejection by parents or close family.

Witnessing domestic violence.

Being accepted into a friendship group or having problems, relationship difficulties within that group.

Feeling powerless through being bullied or hurt.

Struggling to cope with schoolwork, academic workload.

Having to be a carer will look after parents or relatives.

Breakup in a relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend

Anger is a normal part of being human, but for some children, or young adult’s anger is often expressed inappropriately. Parents, grandparents, or adults close to the young people, young adults, often feel walking on egg shells and will often placate behaviours, rather than deal with them head-on.

At Eleos counselling is developing an anger management program for young people. Unlike most programs the Eleos counselling program is educational and fun for the young person to engage with. This course will be run groups, and rather seeing this as a punishment the young person, see this as an opportunity to find out how to express his or her anger. If you would like to know more, please go is the homepage and from there you will find our contact details,or click the link below annual be taken to the Eleos counselling website

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Over the last few days social media have highlighted the case of a homeless man from Kent, who froze to death on the patio of a disused property. The coroner’s inquest stated that the man has suffered from mental health problems, such as depression, which had been exasperated by problem drinking.

Reading the report was indeed sobering, as this is one more example of a man that could have possibly been helped. We are told, traditionally, men are reluctant to seek any form of help and often have higher levels of isolation; rates of drug and alcohol misuse, furthermore, homelessness is greater for men, than women. Males are more likely to be involved in the justice system because of antisocial behaviour. Indeed, when men are jailed for there he may be incarcerated with other men who have themselves mental health problems, in fact, 90% of all male prisoners have a mental health problem(Unknown, 2015) and 70% having what is called a comorbidity, that is, having two or more mental health problems

Men often looked at as the bad boys, portrayed as perpetrators and villains, it could be said that the justice system is to focus on externalising behaviour, often exasperated by alcohol abuse, such behaviour, is often responded to harshly.

For some, it is hard to see men as vulnerable; nevertheless, men often experience physical and sexual abuse and are victims of domestic violence; although statistically, this number is small compared to women the shame of coming forward and talking about this could be something to do with the low numbers.

I society often sees being a man is a positive advantage, that maybe for some, if you’re young, wealthy, whites, middle-class, what happens if you sit outside these parameters. If you’re old; some statistics say this is over 50, black or ethnic, and not in the top bracket of earnings.

Even if you are in this advantageous group that doesn’t make you invulnerable, even this group suffers adversity and psychological difficulties such as breakdown of relationships, substance misuse, and physical elements. Men often seen as protectors, and sent, as last year’s World War One commemorations remind us, at a young age to fight war’s.

Indeed, looking at the coroner’s report regarding this individual, we find out that he too had a family and people who loved him, but somehow fell through the net.

So where is all this leading, having a more empathic understanding of male mental health problems men can experience, should be paramount. It would take a generation to change this, but it could be changed.