Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Rebels With Numerous Causes

Every October the North Carolina State Fair rolls around and my friends
ask if I'm going. I say no. They ask why. I tell them I'm not a seven-year-old.
They tell me they go for the food. I tell them I don't want dirty carnie food.
More importantly, I hate the fucking crowd. I don't like being shoulder to
shoulder with people who make no attempt not to bump into me, or even apologize
for doing so, while compulsively eating a giant turkey leg prepared by a dirty
carnie.

Despite my passionate hatred of crowds, I, along with three of my
friends, took part in the Moral March in Raleigh this past weekend. If you
haven't yet taken part in a march, I recommend you do so because it was fucking
awesome. People were super friendly and nice and they apologized for bumping
into me.

Before the march began everyone gathered at the designated meeting
spot, and for reasons I'm not totally clear on, we had to pray for a fucking
hour. Reverend Barber was the main speaker so I expected a prayer, but
representatives for every religion spoke and they each opened with a prayer.
I'm sure at some point even God was like, “Jesus Christ, I heard you the first
time.” If I have to pick a favorite prayer, I'm going with the rabbi. He opened
with, “Shabbat Shalom, y'all.” That was hard to top.

I've been making the point for a while that Trump and all the
“American Carnage” that comes with him is a bigger, crazier, deadlier issue
than the regular conservative verses liberal bullshit. To my delight, one of
the religious leaders made the same point during his prayer/speech. It may have
been the Buddhist. I don't remember and I was too far back in the crowd to see
him. Anyway, the Buddhist, or perhaps, the Wiccan said, “This is about right
and wrong.”To move through the crowd,
people had to cut through a small triangular patch of flowers. I noticed people
were stepping into the dirt on their tippy toes so as not to trample the
flowers. When you're with people who won't trample flowers to get to a Porta Potty,
you know you're on the right side.

Once the prayer/speeches ended, the march began. It's hard to gauge how
big a crowd is when you're in the middle of it. I later learned thousands of
people attended, which explains why there was a lot of waiting around for our
turn to march. While waiting, we read signs, took pictures and chatted with
strangers. At one point an old hippie lady pet my hair, which was creepy
and yet, oddly soothing.

Listening to other people's conversations, which is not eavesdropping
when you're in a crowd, was also quite amusing. (I have a friend who calls
eavesdropping, ear hustling. I don't know if that is a phrase in widespread
usage, but I think it should be.) The ladies behind me were discussing
Saturday Night Live. One was explaining to the other how she had to go home and
take a nap so she could get up to watch the show later. I was tempted to
explain how the DVR, Hulu, YouTube and the NBC app made it possible to watch
SNL without disrupting her normal sleeping patterns. However, I realized it
would be like explaining the same thing to my mother who doesn't, “do
computer,” and thought better of it.

Finally, it was our turn to march. A little tip on protest marching,
don't lose your friends. We worked out a little “Marco Polo” routine to find
each other should we get separated. But don't use that. If everyone is playing
“Marco Polo,” I'll have no way of knowing which “Polo” is my friend or the weird
hippie lady who wants to pet my hair. Please use your own friend finding game,
perhaps, “Hot Potato, Cold Potato.”

Apparently, chanting is an important part of protest marching. There
were a few chants where one person yelled the first line and the crowd yelled
the second line. For these it may be useful to bring cheerleaders or former
cheerleaders to your march. A few examples of these are:

Cheerleader: Forward Together!

Crowd: Not One Step Back!

Cheerleader: Tell Me What Democracy Looks Like!

Crowd: This Is What Democracy Looks Like!

There were also several chants that are versatile, which is quite
important when protesting so many policies. A few examples of these are:

No Hate! No Fear!

Immigrants Are Welcome Here!

Or:

No Hate! No Fear!

Muslims Are Welcome Here!

Simply enter the name of any group currently being banned by the Trump
administration whom you deem welcome here.

Another good versatile chant is the “Hey, Hey. Ho, Ho” one. Again, simply
enter the name of any person, group or policy you believe has got to go.

Hey, Hey! Ho, Ho!

Donald Trump Has Got To Go!

Or:

Hey, Hey! Ho, Ho!

HB2 Has Got To Go!

We chanted and marched until we got as close to the Capital as we
could, which turned out to be three blocks away because thousands of people showed
up. We weren't close enough to hear the speeches so my friends and I moved to a
side street to watch the other marchers. Shout out to the good people of the
Subway restaurant on that corner for allowing so many of us to use your
restroom without making a purchase. That was way cool of you.

So we're hanging out when along come four old men
with drums and one woman with a wood block. They move to the middle of this
street and start drumming it up. They're at it for a while when the coolest
chick in the world shows up. She lays her purse and jacket by the curb, then
runs out into the middle of the street and starts dancing by herself. Everyone
cheers her on and she's at it for several minutes before a tall, skinny, white
guy decides to join her. (You may wonder why I chose to point out this guy
was white. I will tell you. I'm a white woman. I've danced with many white men
in my life. White men are typically poor dancers. They are stiff and awkward.
It's like dancing with fucking Frankenstein.) To my surprise, this tall,
gangly, white guy was a pretty good dancer.

More people started joining in and before we knew it, the street was
filled with people dancing. Men, women, babies, everyone was feeling the
groove. Literally, babies were dancing in the street.Another old hippie lady joined in with a tambourine.A horn section arrived seemingly out of
nowhere. I say, seemingly out of nowhere, because I didn't see them arrive. They
started playing along with the drummers, the one woman with a wood block and
the hippie lady with a tambourine. One of the horn players had a purple
trombone. That is the only time I've thought of a trombone as cool.

All this spontaneous music and dancing in the street made me feel like
I was in an episode of Fame. As a matter of fact, I'm going on eBay to
find a pair of Fame leg warmers like I had when I was a kid. I'm totally
wearing them to the next march.

After about ten or fifteen minutes, the music
stopped and everyone hugged the coolest chick in the world. No one touched her
purse, which was laying by the curb the whole time. After hugging the coolest
chick in the world and resisting the temptation to steal her purse, everyone
went their separate ways. Presumably to have lunch. Because that's what my
friends and I did. Also, it was noon.

Trumptards have been criticizing these protests by saying we're
protesting everything. To that I say, no shit because everything they're doing
is so clearly fucked up and evil. As I looked at all the signs Saturday, it's
true we have a lot of causes, but every one of them is a battle worth waging. I
shall now list some of the most important causes and what makes them so urgent:

Cause: The travel/Muslim ban.

Urgency: Every time a judge rules against it, an angel gets
his wings.

Cause: Twenty-six billion dollar wall on the southern
border.

Urgency: Mexico isn't paying for that stupid wall and I
don't have a single billion to spare.

Cause: Deportation raids that separate mothers from their
children.

Urgency: Who's taking care of these babies?

Cause: Abortion ban.

Urgency: Who's taking care of these babies?

Cause: Defunding of Planned Parenthood.

Urgency: My uterus yearns to be free.

Cause: Pussy grabbing.

Urgency: Fuck you.

Cause: Obamacare.

Urgency: Four out five doctors recommend it.

Cause: HB2

Urgency: Holding it in isn't healthy.

Cause: Gerrymandering

Urgency: People getting fucked up the ass by gerrymandering
don't know the definition of gerrymandering.

Cause: Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos

Urgency: See Gerrymandering.

Cause: Legalization of Marijuana

Urgency: None.

Yeah, so, there was a group carrying “Legalize It” signs at the march.
While I'm on their side, we really don't have time for this right now. There is
a valid point to be made that people are getting ridiculous sentences for
possession of weed. But it is legal in some states. So if you can't go without
smoking, maybe move to one of those states while we're working through the
Trumpocalypse.

My pothead friends, I promise we'll get back to you just as soon as all
this other shit is over.For now,
be cool.