What’s Wrong with Me?

Asked by Maestrojk on 2018-11-14 with 1 answer:

From a teenaged girl in Turkey: At first, I wanted to ask if I really was a socipoath but then it seemed irrational to me. I won’t go to an “;expert”; in real life and show myself, so here I am. (English isn’t my native language by the way.) I know that I’m intelligent but I don’t know if I’m too intellegent or just an idiotic narcissist. (Still didn’t take any test.) Everything seems too intangible, a word in my brain is just some letters to make people think a specific thing, in reality, means anything. Even the word describing itself is relevant.

All my exes claimed I was using them like a toy. Though I can’t feel love, I would lie about it. (I never trust.) I fear losing someone but it’s just to not be alone. I wouldn’t feel sad for any of them dying.

I believe in God because not believing seems idiotic to me, why would I choose not to believe when I could be safe? If there is no God, still I have no problem because what I choose to believe wouldn’t make my life bad either but if there is God, I’m flowered up.

I watch people and pity. -Not everytime.- I pity psychology itself too. It also is made by human need to catogerize everything. Though that doesn’t mean I won’t learn anything about these topics. Unfortuntally, I’m a human too.

I want to have a social life, a relationship but “systems”, made-up responsibilities and acting for people is just boring me. Books/beloved writers never satisfy me, I stopped reading years ago -I’ll give a shot tho. So there are little things left that I enjoy like drawing or science itself.

Lastly, there’s this fact that I wanted to do something to change the world. Then I realized there will always be good and bad, no matter what I or others do. So I changed. If something isn’t rational in my eyes I would ignore it. I have the urge to hurt people, animals if I’m spaced out. But all of those are also irrational for my mind: cold-blooded, never was obsessed with blood/movie psychopaths. So I don’t do any of them.

Still, I don’t want to die before doing something big in this world. I am a narcissist indeed, maybe also a sociopath but it doesn’t matter.

It looks to me like you are thinking only in black and white terms. To you, things are either this way or that way. You say you are either intelligent or not. Books have something to tell you or don’t. Psychology is useless but maybe it isn’t. You want a social life but find it boring. Either do something big or why bother. And on it goes.

To me, a diagnosis isn’t as important as what you are doing with your life. On the basis of your letter, I’d say you are too ambitious. You have big ideas but they are so big that it seems impossible to achieve them. Rather than try and fail, you give up. That saves your self-esteem but it also leaves you feeling hopeless.

The reality is that almost everything in life (except maybe death) is on a spectrum. For some reason you can’t deal with that fact so you opt out. I don’t know why you won’t talk to an “expert”. A few sessions with a counselor might help you sort out why you are so easily discouraged and what you can do about it.

For the record: I do think you are intelligent and that you are asking big philosophical questions. I do understand that it is easy to feel small in such a big universe. Part of being human is to grapple with that and to do what we can to make a difference anyway.