Mike:
OK, OK, we can all relax now because the cunning Red Sox ownahship has found a way to end this dismal of all dismal seasons on a veritable high note...

Mike:
Yes, Ladies & Gentlemen, Boys & Girls, the Red Sox will honor the 2004 World Series champion team and unveil an all-time Fenway Park team during the final two home games of the regular season against the Tampa Bay Rays on Tuesday, Sept. 25 and Wednesday, Sept. 26.

Mike:
So quit yer bitchin.

Al:
So this is an 8 year anniversary honoring the 2004 club rathah than the traditional 10?

Doug:
10 year anniversaries are way the fuck overrated.

Mike:
Yeah, nobody does 10 year anniversaries anymore because they're way too populah.

Doug:
I do think at a certain point you've waited long enough.
Let me be clear, eight is enough.

Mike:
Are you kidding me, Lucchino is bringing octal back... this is going to be the most important 8 since the Beatles released Eight Days a Week.

Al:
Let's face it, we all know that when the Roman army conquered a village, if rathah than practicing decimation they'd instead gone with octimation, well, we'd all be speaking Latin today.

Mike:
So not only are we now in an end of season spiral so dismal that, impossible as it is to imagine, makes the Epic Septembah Collpase of 2011 seem "meh" but it's also the 11 year anniversary of 9/11...

In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
I mean, look, sure the wins and losses, the ERA, the OBP, pretty much everything isn't where we wanted it to be.

In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
But you've got to give Bobby Valentine an "incomplete." He just needs a few more years to turn things around.

In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
And you've got to consider how much worse it would be if not for Bobby V's brilliance.

In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Brass tacks: He inherited a mess, the worst collapse since the 20s.

In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
No manager, no manager — not Casey Stengal not Connie Mack, no one, could have repaired all the damage he found in just one year.

In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
But he has laid the foundation for a new, modern, successful club, of shared prosperity, and if you renew Valentine's contract you will feel it. You will feel it.

In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Look, are we all better off because Bobby Valentine fought for comprehensive clubhouse reform like banning beer? You bet we are.

In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
You know what I love? I love that we can trust Bobby to do what he says he is going to do, even when it is hard, especially when it's hard.

In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
Bobby reminds me that we are playing a long game here, and that change is hard, and change is slow and never happens all at once, but eventually we get there, we always do.

In a group of Soxaholix, a woman speaks:
And if you don't agree with me, well, then you're a racist and a Nazi.

Bill:
I've entered some bizarro bearded-Spock world where I'm actually disappointed when the Red Sox win...

Bill:
I mean what's the friggin point? Let's dive straight for the bottom and create something memorable, you know?

Mike:
Yeah, it's hahd to root for happenstance, isn't it?

Bill:
Seriously, if I staht getting excited about coincidence I may as well staht rooting for the heads rolling down the steps of Chichen Itza and the resultant bountiful hahvest the corn god will repay us for the humble offering of heads.