A: A cocktail glass is like a bra, Alan. Ultimately it doesn't matter how fancy it is — it's what inside that's going to make your evening. Which is our way of saying that we got those glasses at Crate & Barrel. Simple, functional, they do the job. When someone breaks a glass at one of your parties, you want them to regret the lost cocktail, not the lost glassware.

May 4, 2010Q: The cocktail contest was a sheer success. My local bar is buzzing about the drink; it's possibly the best form of advertising you could have done! Thanks. ("Two more MBs, please" - Me)
--William

A: William, thanks for your note. We're glad to hear your bar of choice stocks all the ingredients an MB cocktail requires. Let us know its name and location, and we'll add it to a nationwide directory we're compiling of establishments that serve MBs.

Public service announcement: We'd like to create an extensive directory. If you have a favorite bar where you've ordered our signature cocktail, please share this info with us. Send us its name, city/state, and a note or two about what makes it a great place to drink MBs.

April 12, 2010Angostura Bittersvia KegWorks. $7.99.Has it only been a week since we chose the winning MB Cocktail? We feel like we've been drinking them for years already. And here in Pulaski, we fear we're putting a serious dent into the local supplies of Bulleit, Apfelkorn, and Angostura bitters. (We're OK on the Laphroaig 10-year, since the MB Cocktail requires just an 1/8 oz per serving.)

The Angostura pipeline is especially iffy. This old-school bitters, the yellow-topped one we used to pass over while pillaging Dad's liquor cabinet in the '90s, is in short supply worldwide due to an ingredient shortage and "financial restructuring" at House of Angostura.

No way you should let a lack of gentian root or the global financial crisis curb your thirst for Bryan Swanson's delicious contribution to humanity. So grab Angostura while you can, and grab a lot. A pallet of the stuff recently arrived at KegWorks and we've already secured a case for our immediate needs. And if things get really dire, there's always Dad's liquor cabinet. But he sleeps with a shotgun next to the bed and frankly he's getting a little jumpy as he gets on in years. Ordering through KegWorks is the safest bet.

April 6, 2010A hundred years from now, will the iPad be known only as the second most revolutionary invention to make its debut during the first week of April 2010? We'd like to think so, but then again, we're still kind of drunk.

After seven weeks of pitting 32 cocktails against each other in head-to-head combat, we've finally got a winner: Bryan Swanson's Magnificent Bastard cocktail. See complete details.

We toast all who submitted entries, all who judged, and our sponsor KegWorks. Stay tuned for our next contest, which will, at the insistence of our synapses, involve coffee as well as alcohol.

March 31, 2010Tonight we gather to drink the four tastiest entries into the Magnificent Bastard Cocktail Contest. These are all great cocktails that we will be mixing regularly, but only one can win. Here's a preview:

BRYAN SWANSON

How they got there: The Bryan Swanson may have had the most up and down tourney so far. It was handed an early victory by a lackluster Brian Lee, but then topped the John Dietl, a notable cocktail that may have only lost because it's too seasonal.

Why you might bet on it: In a word, "drinkability." Also, don't overlook the sturdiness to the presentation. The straightforward, "give it to me in rocks glass" approach strikes a strong MB chord.

Why you might not: The downside of being so easily drinkable may mean that it lacks the depth that's required to be considered the MB cocktail.

MATT HAMLIN

How they got there: The Matt Hamlin is the only cocktail not to have had an easy 5-0 victory along the way, mainly due to coming out of what might have been the most competitive bracket, Simplicity. Perhaps this has prepared it for the challenges ahead.

Why you might bet on it: This could be called a Mezcal Rob Roy, always an MB standard. Also, its mix of the New World and Old World has been called brilliant by some judges.

Why you might not: The quality mezcal makes this cocktail, but also introduces some risk. The smokiness is very reminiscent of a good single malt, but this isn't appreciated by all judges.

XOPHER HARTMAN

How they got there: Of the remaining four, this cocktail probably had the easiest first two matchups which were both too perfumey to be seriously considered. It then showed it deserved to be in the Final Four by beating the well balanced Matt Konrad.

Why you might bet on it: Though the XH came out of the Heritage bracket, it might best adhere to the MB's "classic with a twist" style. It's a new take on the always bastardly Sazerac. Rye Whiskey > Bourbon / Absinthe > Chartreuse / Sugar Cube > Simple Sugar / Peychaud's = Peychaud's / Lemon Twist > Orange Twist.

Why you might not: The strong, unique taste of this cocktail may mean it could be beat out by the smoothness and drinkability in the other Final Four cocktails.

CARIE L. FULLER

How they got there: This cocktail has had the easiest route to the Final Four. It has beat some at their own game (Tom Brown), and easily surpassed aftershave stand-ins like the Akio Katano. Though it beat the David McCabe 5-0 in the round of the Elite Eight, this may have been due to the McCabe being too seasonal (summer).

Why you might bet on it: It might be hard to bet against a cocktail that is 15-0. Among the finalists, it is best on the nose, and its complexity of flavors might be hard to match.

Why you might not: The CLF is by far the fussiest of the remaining cocktails. We've been enjoying flaming the orange peel over the cocktail, but this may get old after a couple of hundred, a valid criterion to what will ultimately be the MB Cocktail. In short, is this a big flash, or a flash in the pan?

1. Pour the Gin, the Apple Brandy, the simple syrup, and the bitters into a mixing vessel.
2. Stir with ice.
3. Strain into a cocktail glass.
4. Garnish with a lemon twist.

Winner: Bryan SwansonScore: 4-1Game Summary: Swanson's is a strong, classic, sexy drink that's dangerously quaffable. Dietl's is a very good cocktail but perhaps better suited for summer, and for the MBG (Magnificent Bastard Girlfriend). They would make a really cute couple.

Winner: Matt HamlinScore: 4-1Game Summary: We will be mixing Zimmer's drink on occasion this summer. The Drambuie really pumps the flavor, along with the lime, of course. Hamlin's is pretty genius. Take the equivalent of agave Laphroaig ($60/bottle Del Maguey Chichicapa mezcal), and make it perfect with a touch of Luxardo Maraschino. If you've acquired a taste for mezcal (an MB requirement), this is good stuff.

Measure all ingredients into glass half of Boston shaker. Shake with ice. Strain into chilled coupe or martini glass. Garnish with a maraschino cherry and a redhead who can tie the stem with her tongue.

Winner: Xopher HartmanScore: 4-1Game Summary: Konrad's drink has a cool color and aesthetic, with nice fall notes. The problem for him is it's up against Hartman's neo-Sazerac buzzsaw. This is a highly successful "classic with a twist."

This is a very simple cocktail, which gives it great mass appeal. Combine the gin, the St. Germain, and the lemon juice in a shaker. Fill with ice and shake. Now shake some more. And a bit more. When it's too cold to shake, just give it one or two more good shakes. Serve it up in a martini glass and garnish with a lemon twist.

Winner: Carie L. FullerScore: 5-0Game Summary: McCabe's "Southside-with-a-twist" will be mixed in the offices this summer. Fuller's somewhat fussy cocktail is smooth and easy drinking, and tough to stop at just one. The cocktail equivalent of Pringles! (This drink is currently 15-0 through three rounds.)

Combine all ingredients in a mixing glass filled with ice. Stir vigorously for 20-30 seconds. Strain into ice-filled rocks glass.

Winner: Bryan SwansonScore: 5-0Game Summary: Null's is a fine update to the margarita, but Swanson's is more of a cocktail, and an extremely tasty one. The Berentzen Apfelkorn really softens the bourbon, making it more interesting and drinkable. In fact, it makes it so drinkable this is a highly dangerous cocktail if consumed by amateurs.

1. Pour the Gin, the Apple Brandy, the simple syrup, and the bitters into a mixing vessel.
2. Stir with ice.
3. Strain into a cocktail glass.
4. Garnish with a lemon twist.

Winner: John DietlScore: 3-2Game Summary: Oakley's cocktail was called "exciting" by one judge, but the majority of the others could not conceive of finishing the whole thing. Plus it's a bit fussy. When we have the Spectacular Bitch cocktail contest, this could be the winner. Dietl's drink is simple, beautiful, enjoyable.

Winner: Sean ZimmerScore: 3-2Game Summary: We admit to "lime bias," but the majority of the judges found Zimmer's cocktail to be more complex and worthwhile, with the lingering Drambuie stretching it out nicely. Ben Allen's drink was a worthy contender and notable for bringing Jagermeister back into serious conversations.

Rip and lightly crush mint leaves in a shaker tin with spoon or whatnot, then add lots of ice, the spirits and lime. Stir well, until tin dews up, and strain carefully over ice, with a lime twist or wheel garnish.

Winner: Matt HamlinScore: 4-1Game Summary: Cartwright's is a good quaffing drink, like something you'd have in your hand while yelling at the pool boy. Hamlin's drink is something you have in your hand while yelling at the guy who yells at the pool boy.

Ingredients:
The key here is the quality/quantity of bourbon against the splash size of Roses and Cointreau. The bitters and cherry syrup are critical and cannot be left out. To dry it out, reduce quantity of vermouth.

Measure all ingredients into glass half of Boston shaker. Shake with ice. Strain into chilled coupe or martini glass. Garnish with a maraschino cherry and a redhead who can tie the stem with her tongue.

Winner: Matt KonradScore: 5-0Game Summary: Schmitt's was the Gilbert Gottfried of the night: a little whiney. All the ingredients in Konrad's drink are working together, especially how the Cointreau lightens up the cherry influence. One of three 5-0 scores of the 2nd round.

Add ingredients together with ice in a cocktail tin and stir.
Strain into cocktail glass.

Winner: Carie L. FullerScore: 5-0Game Summary: Tom Brown met his doppelganger and it turned out to be a lot better looking. Fuller's drink has a nose that makes your mouth water, and it tastes pretty good, too. It's the only drink to go 10-0 through the first two rounds.

This is a very simple cocktail, which gives it great mass appeal. Combine the gin, the St. Germain, and the lemon juice in a shaker. Fill with ice and shake. Now shake some more. And a bit more. When it's too cold to shake, just give it one or two more good shakes. Serve it up in a martini glass and garnish with a lemon twist.

Shake in chilled shaker over cracked ice, or stir, and strain into chilled cocktail glass, topping glass off with:

Fever Tree Tonic Water (1/3 a bottle, or about 3 oz)

and garnishing with a perfect MB's choice Lemon Twist

Winner: David McCabeScore: 4-1Game Summary: Gerber's drink is a nice, upscale twist on the gin and tonic, but without somehow icing the tonic it was a touch warm. The lemon-eldeflower balance of McCabe's cocktail is pretty awesome. A pitcher of these would go great with a cricket test match.

1. Use a 16 oz. or "tall glass".
2. Fill glass to rim with ice.
3. Add one generous shot of Jack
4. Add a splash and I mean a splash of Red Bull. A quick wrist flick usually works.
5. Fill remainder of glass with diet cola and stir.

This is a drink I created that I call the Tommy Gun named after myself of course. If you want a double you can order it with an "extra clip" of booze. The key is to not add too much Red Bull.

It is a drink I order after several hours in the bar in order to get a little extra boost of caffeine to either continue drinking or to help try and sober up enough to drive home. Yes the Red Bull tastes like Pixie Stix but the splash makes the drink a touch sweeter.

Instructions:
Add cracked ice to chilled mixing glass. Combine wet ingredients in the glass and stir for 30 seconds. Strain into a cocktail or highball glass or simply pour (ice and all) into a highball glass. Squeeze the twist and drop it in the glass.

Instructions:
Stir all ingredients over ice. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.

Winner: Matt HamlinScore: 4-1Game Summary: York's cocktail was interesting because it contained a cloaking device (tequila was disguised as the main liquor). However, it couldn't hold the jockstrap of Hamlin's tequila Rob Roy, which was well balanced, finished beautifully, and forced most of us to drink the whole thing.

Instructions:
Rip and lightly crush mint leaves in a shaker tin with spoon or whatnot, then add lots of ice, the spirits and lime. Stir well, until tin dews up, and strain carefully over ice, with a lime twist or wheel garnish.

*Sazerac is my preferred rye for cocktails, but Jim Beam rye works well and is highly underrated.
**Choose a brand you can enjoy on its own. I prefer "fine Champagne" Cognacs (e.g. Hine VSOP, Hardy VSOP, Remy Martin VSOP), but Hennessy VS also works; don't use Courvoisier VS.

Instructions:
Stir together simple syrup with 3 drops of Angostura in the bottom of a highball glass. Add the rye whiskey and fill the glass with ice. Stir for about 30 seconds and then strain into a lowball glass that has been rinsed with Cognac and filled about halfway with ice. Garnish with a lemon twist.

Winner: Michael OakleyScore: 3-2Game Summary: Oakley's drink was a touch bitter, though there was not enough new in Blesener's cocktail to warrant advancement to the 2nd round.

Instructions:
1. Pour the Gin, the Apple Brandy, the simple syrup, and the bitters into a mixing vessel.
2. Stir with ice.
3. Strain into a cocktail glass.
4. Garnish with a lemon twist.

Winner: John DietlScore: 5-0Game Summary: Smith's drink looked good on paper. It even smelled good. But on the tongue it was flat and one note. Dietl's drink was light and refreshing, like water chestnuts in a stir fry. A very strong cocktail.

Instructions:
1. Combine the liquid ingredients in a mixing glass filled with ice.
2. Stir for a good 20 seconds, until it's very cold.
3. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
4. Squeeze the lemon zest over the drink and drop it in.

Winner: Carie L. FullerScore: 5-0Game Summary: Katano's cocktail had strong hints of men's aftershave. It was the worst drink of the night. Meanwhile, Fuller's drink was rich and complex, and could be a contender.

Instructions:
Stir ingredients over ice and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Serve.

Winner: Xopher HartmanScore: 5-0Game Summary: We're not sure what happened to the photos for this matchup, but it was Hartman unanimously. It had a real warmth to it and the orange oil brought out the flavor. Kuo's cocktail was too heavy on the elderflower.

Instructions:
Rinse a cocktail glass with the Laphroaig and pour most of it out. Add remaining ingredients to an ice-filled cocktail shaker. Shake and strain into the prepared glass. Don't bother with a garnish.

Instructions:
* Rinse a rocks glass with absinthe.
* Add remaining ingredients excepting lemon twist to a shaker full of ice and shake until cold.
* Strain into pre-rinsed glass and squeeze lemon twist over top. Rub lemon peel around the rim of the glass and drop into the drink.

Winner: Christopher NullScore: 5-0Game Summary: We found Beals' cocktail to be too heavy-handed, perfumey, and impossible to finish. It's like an old lady sat on your face and won't get off. Null's cocktail is a strong contender.

Instructions:
1) Mix all in a shaking tin.
2) Fill tin with ice.
3) Shake until your hands are numb.
4) Pour into a pre-chilled cocktail glass.
5) Garnish with a flamed orange peel (warm the peel with a flame to release the oils, rub it around the rim of the glass, then squeeze the peel so the oils spray through the flame and into the cocktail).

Instructions:
To make this cocktail, combine the bourbon, maple syrup and lemon juice in a shaker glass 2/3 full of ice and stir. Once the drink is appropriately chilled, which will take about 15 seconds, strain into a martini glass. Use a zester to make your lemon twist, aiming for a medium width and a slight curve on the twist. Enjoy.

Instructions:
Stir all ingredients with cracked ice and strain into chilled cocktail glass. Twist lemon peel over glass and add as garnish.

Winner: Ben AllenScore: 3-2Game Summary: This was almost an overtime game. Dave's cocktail is lively on the tongue and lingers in a good way. We will be mixing this again, and fairly frequently in the depths of winter. Unfortunately it ran up against Ben Allen's highly drinkable Jagermeister juggernaut that kept us going back for more. The sophistication of a cocktail containing Jagermeister was the highlight and surprise of the evening.

Instructions:
pour over ice, shake, strain, and garnish with a lemon wedge

Winner: Sean ZimmerScore: 5-0Game Summary: rodmitch's cocktail was bitter and flat. Meanwhile, the Sean Zimmer concoction was awesome; a really nice balance between the sweet, the juice, and the base liquor. Who needs a garnish?

Instructions:
1. Combine liquid ingredients in a mixing glass with plenty of ice.
2. Shake well (~15 seconds).
3. Fine-strain, up into a chilled cocktail glass.
4. Garnish with the Lemon twist.

Bob Schmitt

Ingredients:
The key here is the quality/quantity of bourbon against the splash size of Roses and Cointreau. The bitters and cherry syrup are critical and cannot be left out. To dry it out, reduce quantity of vermouth.

Winner: Bob SchmittScore: 5-0Game Summary: The Canton turned out to be too perfumey and gingery. Would make an excellent oral anesthetic. Bob Schmitt's cocktail had great nose, and while the tongue wasn't quite equal, still enough to win unanimously.

Instructions:
Measure all ingredients into glass half of Boston shaker. Shake with ice. Strain into chilled coupe or martini glass. Garnish with a maraschino cherry and a redhead who can tie the stem with her tongue.

Instructions:
Dry Shake (do not shake with ice) the ingredients and poor into a high-ball or a Pint glass filled with ice. Top off with ginger beer. Enjoy.

Winner: Matt KonradScore: 4-1Game Summary: We were intrigued by Conrad's egg white drink but were overwhelmed by the ginger. Matt Konrad's cocktail was on the sweet and syrupy side yet had enough complexity to dominate the matchup.

Instructions:
This is a very simple cocktail, which gives it great mass appeal. Combine the gin, the St. Germain, and the lemon juice in a shaker. Fill with ice and shake. Now shake some more. And a bit more. When it's too cold to shake, just give it one or two more good shakes. Serve it up in a martini glass and garnish with a lemon twist.

Winner: David McCabeScore: 5-0Game Summary: We're pretty sure cachaça has its place among the base liquors. Just not when used in this way. David McCabe's cocktail had a nice combination of the eldeflower and the lemon. It was harmonious and balanced and won unanimously.

Instructions:
1. Pour the Gin and Violette into a pint glass filled with ice. Stir to chill.
2. Strain drink into a rocks glass with ice and top with Tonic Water. I prefer just enough to get bubbles throughout the drink.
3. Peel the Clementine Orange over the glass to release oils. Rim the glass with some of the peel. Skewer one wedge and place in the drink as garnish.

Winner: Chris GerberScore: 4-1Game Summary: Chris Gerber's updated G&T was a little bitter with a heavy quinine backnote, but it still easily beat Matthew's drink which was too much peeling, not enough appealing.