Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

5:18 pm

Fri March 29, 2013

Who's Carl This Time?

CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell, and here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, filling in for Drew Carey filling in for Peter Sagal, Tom Bodett.

TOM BODETT, HOST:

Thank you Carl.

(APPLAUSE)

BODETT: Wow. Those are some big - and numerous - shoes to fill. And by the end of the show those shoes will be fuller than a preacher's pockets at a Sunday picnic. And by that I mean what, Carl?

KASELL: No clue, Tom.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: You know, we were afraid this was going to happen. You see, Peter Sagal, is a Harvard educated, theatrically trained, urbane radio personality. I, on the other hand, ain't.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Fortunately, we have Carl to translate my lovable folksy charm into a standard NPR English. Let's try it. Rivers come and go as they please, but you can't get the worm on the hook if your bass boat's tangled in the weeds. Carl, can you translate that to news, please?

KASELL: Stocks at record levels.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: See how easy that is? Well let's see your wits are sharper than a possum's tooth, call in to play our games, the number is 1-888-Wait-Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924. Hi you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

SHANNON MCLUCAS: Hi, this is Shannon from Baltimore, Maryland.

BODETT: Well, hi, Shannon. How are you?

MCLUCAS: I'm very well. How are you doing?

BODETT: I'm great. Do you have spring down there in Baltimore finally?

MCLUCAS: Not quite yet.

BODETT: No? What do you do?

MCLUCAS: Oh, me, well, among other things, I'm a park ranger.

BODETT: Yeah, where at?

MCLUCAS: Fort McHenry National Monument.

BODETT: The Fort McHenry?

MCLUCAS: The Fort McHenry.

BODETT: Holy smoke.

P. J. O'ROURKE: Wow.

BODETT: Can you sing the Star Spangled Banner?

MCLUCAS: I can't sing it well.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: All right, Shannon, let's meet this week's panel. First up, the only other panelist I know who owns a tractor and knows how to use it, P. J. O'Rourke.

BODETT: And a writer for HBO's "Real Time" with Bill Maher, flown in special to have my back, Adam Felber.

ADAM FELBER: Hi, Shannon.

(APPLAUSE)

MCLUCAS: Hi, Adam.

BODETT: With those formalities taken care of Shannon, you are about to play, oh yes - Who's Carl This time. Carl Kasell will read three quotes lifted from this week's news. If you can identify, or explain or somehow manage to guess two of them, you'll win Carl Kasell's voice on your home voicemail, or other messaging device. Except for parrots or toucans, you won't do that again, right Carl?

KASELL: No.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: All right, Shannon, you ready to play?

MCLUCAS: As I'll ever be.

BODETT: All right, here's your first quote.

KASELL: Hey Supremes, you can hurry love.

BODETT: That was one of many signs outside the Supreme Court this week, which was hearing arguments about what?

MCLUCAS: That would be the Defense of Marriage Act.

BODETT: That's right, very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

BODETT: Yes, the Supreme Court heard two cases involving gay marriage this week. One concerning Proposition 8, banning gay marriage in California, the other concerning the Defense of Marriage Act, or DOMA. Judging by the arguments so far, wedding planners are in pretty good shape.

In fact, support for gay marriage has grown so large so quickly that many politicians on both sides of the aisle are finally showing the courage to do exactly what their extensive polling tells them it's now politically safe to do.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Can you think of anyone who hasn't come out for gay marriage yet?

FELBER: The Supreme Court.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

BODETT: They might be the last nine, right?

FELBER: You can tell they're hedging their bets, too. You can tell that they're all doing this calculus in the back room, like how bad would it look from a historical perspective if we just kind of do nothing?

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Well, you know, there's now a line in front of the media microphones at the capitol filled with members of Congress eager to join the Gay Pride Parade. Wouldn't that be like the boringest float ever?

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: Please keep your shirts on.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: Please.

(APPLAUSE)

O'ROURKE: Please don't go for the man-kini look. It just...

FELBER: Following a bunch of topless mermaids, here come the Senate.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Take a break everybody.

O'ROURKE: I'm still kind of amazed about California, you know, sort of banning - a state in which no marriages work out.

(LAUGHTER)

O'CONNOR: Right.

BODETT: Well, you know, everyone seems to be following the example of the great pioneer Hillary Clinton, who declared her support for gay marriage all the way back last week.

O'ROURKE: Yeah.

FELBER: Yeah.

O'CONNOR: She was an early adopter.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: She's to the gay rights movement what Rosa Parks is to the gay rights movement.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Well, you know, there's some surprising people also coming out in support of gay marriage. Bill O'Reilly said this: "To this culture warrior, gay marriage is not a vital issue. I don't believe the republic will collapse if Larry marries Brendan." Now, I think I speak on behalf of America when I ask, who's Larry and Brendan?

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: I mean, what happened to Adam and Steve?

FELBER: He did say that, he said Larry and Brendan?

BODETT: He did, yeah, but he later...

FELBER: So he had to pick a name that he thought sounded a little bit gay, didn't he?

BODETT: I think so.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Shannon, here's your next quote.

KASELL: It's like a child in a candy shop. If you haven't bought him a lolly and don't pay attention to his tantrums, he tries to intimidate you with things.

Now that's a man named Leonid Petrov talking to London's Guardian newspaper about a country trying to intimidate its neighbor to the south, and the United States. What country?

MCLUCAS: That would be North Korea.

BODETT: That would be North Korea.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

BODETT: Very good.

O'ROURKE: I am so glad to hear that because I was worried it was Canada.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Yeah, no kidding.

FELBER: They way that question was phrased, it could have been Canada.

BODETT: Yes, Kim Jong Un, the un-Kim, affectionately known as L'il Kim by those who know him.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: ...like Dennis Rodman, is fearlessly leading his country into another high stakes confrontation, similar to a 4-year-old who hasn't had his nap. This week North Korea cut the military hotline with the South Koreans. It's a sign of tension, but it's also a big historical moment. That was the last landline on earth.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: It's going to be hard for North Korea now, just having a cell phone. It isn't quite as intimidating to declare war via a text message. U-R "at sign" War. LOL.

FELBER: Yeah, the LOL always takes the gravitas out of it.

BODETT: Our military is, you know is taking it seriously. The Americans responded this week by putting on a little air show with a long-range nuclear-equipped stealth bomber, joining in South Korea's war game demonstrations. You know, for South Korean, it's like going to the mall with your big buddy who like totally knows karate.

(LAUGHTER)

O'CONNOR: I don't know, if I were going to put on a big show, I'd do it with a plane they could see.

FELBER: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Amen.

BODETT: Shannon, here's your last quote.

KASELL: The only way this story could be better would be if he had been orphaned as a baby and was about to graduate from wizard school.

BODETT: That was Reuters columnist Jack Shafer commenting on the media's fascination with a British teenager who just made $30 million selling an app to what company? Any ideas?

MCLUCAS: No, no.

BODETT: Here's a hint. It's what you say when you get $30 million.

MCLUCAS: Oh my god.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Oh my god dot com.

BODETT: Maybe if you're a cowboy.

MCLUCAS: If you're a cowboy, Yahoo.

BODETT: There it is.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

BODETT: Yes, Nick D'Aloisio had been designing apps since he was 12, but it wasn't until he was a bitter, mid-career professional at age 17 that he finally hit it big. Yahoo bought his app Summly for $30 million.

See, what Summly does is it condenses complex news stories and gives them to you in easy to read bites. So for example, it would take the story "Yahoo buys kid's app for $30 million" and make it "God, I hate that kid."

(LAUGHTER)

O'CONNOR: But he just ripped off the entire idea behind USA Today.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Well that's it; I mean it's amazing.

(APPLAUSE)

BODETT: I mean he's a lucky kid. I mean, I wish somebody would pay me to basically pose in front of a company brand to shine up its image and make it seem relatable.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: No, I know what you're thinking.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: That's not what I'm doing. Carl, how did Shannon do on our game?

KASELL: Shannon had a perfect game, Tom. She wins our prize and Shannon, I'll be doing the message on your voicemail or home answering service.