The Jay Cutler Van Clubhttps://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com
Bringing you that Fantasy Football realness (except that it's Fantasy Football, so it's not exactly real)Sun, 20 May 2018 20:09:26 +0000enhourly1http://wordpress.com/https://s0.wp.com/i/buttonw-com.pngThe Jay Cutler Van Clubhttps://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com
Sunday Night Was Dark and Full of Errorshttps://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/2014/11/05/sunday-night-was-dark-and-full-of-errors/
https://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/2014/11/05/sunday-night-was-dark-and-full-of-errors/#respondThu, 06 Nov 2014 05:35:01 +0000http://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/?p=655I hope you guys had a great Halloween. Maybe it was fun, or drunk, or even spooky. But it probably wasn’t as weird as it got on Sunday night. Or as weird as this LM note, Game of Thrones style!

Matchup of the Week: It’s On Like GRONKey Kong vs. Team Sexy DC Bitches

I’ve said “this was one of the closest matchups we’ve ever had” a lot in recent weeks. I’ll admit, I’ve probably abused that phrase. I promise to stop saying that, after this last time, because I can absolutely guarantee that this week’s Matchup of the Week really is the closest matchup we’ve ever had!

In Week 4, Tom Brady and the Patriots looked horrible after getting spanked by the Kansas City Chiefs on Monday Night Football. That’s right about when Kristine rage-quit and just dropped Brady to the waiver wire. Well, KJ was the lucky guy to pick Touchdown Tommy up, and he’s been on a tear ever since. Tom Brady has averaged 3.6 TDs and 37.6 fantasy points each week since. And Brady’s top receiver? Why it’s the ultimate bro Rob Gronkowski, of course! GRONK, who happens to be KJ’s team namesake, is the top reason why the Pats are playing so well, averaging 26 fantasy points a week.

Tom Brady to GRONK for the one-handed catch. This shit happens pretty much every week.

While KJ has the dangerous duo of Brady/GRONK, Jen has her own 1-2 punch of Andrew Luck and TY Hilton. The Indianapolis Colts stars have been quite a sneaky play for Jen. Andrew Luck was actually the 2nd QB drafted by Jen this year (next to Drew Brees), and no one expected TY Hilton to be this good and this consistent. Nevertheless, Andrew Luck has thrown over 300 yards every week except in Week 2, and TY Hilton averages over 20 fantasy points a game, and seemingly always catches a spectacular touchdown each week.

Sunday started to look like a blowout. Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski wiped the floor with the Denver Broncos, totaling 68 points between them. Marshawn Lynch BEAST-moded himself into the endzone twice against the Oakland Raiders, adding another 2 TDs and 31 points. By Sunday night, KJ was up 166 – 128.

There is a BEAST in this man, and it stirs when you put a football in his hand.

Jen still had the good ol’ Luck/Hilton combo on Monday night. Andrew Luck continued his streak of great games, throwing for 354 yards, 4 TDs, and 41 fantasy points. One of those TDs went to TY Hilton, who put up 17 himself. KJ countered because he had Adam Vinatieri reaping the rewards of the Luck-driven offense, and put up 20 points himself.

Andrew Luck to TY Hilton? You guys aren’t so bad yourselves.

The final score? 186 – 186. Jen comes back from 38 point deficit, to tie the game. It’s kind of anti-climactic, but see, I told you this was the closest game ever. I guess both teams could have done better. KJ started the Chargers D/ST for -7 points, while Jen left a defensive player in with a BYE. No one can say that neither didn’t control their own destiny. Until now. May the Old Gods (and the New) of Stat Corrections have mercy on both Jen and KJ’s souls.

Matchup of the WEAK: The Bad Assets vs. RaShake It Off, RaShake It Off

Week 9 was a BYE week for a lot of teams: the Bears, Packers, Lions, Bills, Falcons, and Titans. It was one of only three weeks (along with weeks 4 and 10) with six teams gone. So one can imagine how hard it might be to put together a solid lineup.

Being the great fantasy owner he is, JJ decided to not manage his BYE weeks well, drafting four of his top five draft picks with a Week 9 BYE. Adding to that, three more of his starters were out with injuries. For years, JJ has been in the business of hoarding injured runningbacks and waiting for them to get better just in time for playoffs, and this year was no exception (Rashad Jennings, Ryan Mathews). But with the reduced bench size this year, JJ had no backup QB or TE to replace his injured starters, so he was left scraping the bottom of the waiver wire barrel.

Please get better, Ryan Mathews, please.

For those of you who aren’t aware of what the bottom of the waiver wire barrel looks like, here is who was available to replace the injured Tony Romo for JJ:

Austin Davis, Sam Bradford’s backup QB who was facing the 49ers D/ST on the road

Derek Carr, the Oakland Raiders’ overrated rookie QB who was facing the Seahawks D/ST on the road

Mike Glennon, of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Teddy Bridgewater, the rookie QB of the Minnesota Vikings

Michael Vick, the old QB of the New York Jets who replaced Geno Smith because Geno Smith is so bad. Also, he was facing the Chiefs D/ST.

Brandon Weeden, who was so embarrassingly bad in Cleveland that the Browns booted him and now he plays for the Cowboys. Also, they were playing the Cardinals D/ST. Also, the Cardinals now have the best record in the NFL.

I’m not sure what JJ was thinking at the time or how long his Halloween hangover lasted, but of course, he decided to choose Brandon Weeden.

The same Brandon Weeden who did this:

Also, this:

Stef also had her own problems. Six of her Week 8 starters were on BYE, including Aaron Rodgers, Eddie Lacy, and Steven Jackson. Although she made some moves this past week, she mostly said “Fuck it, I DGAF” and just left her BYE week players in. Or maybe it was hubris. In any case, Stef kept her starting lineup without both of her runningbacks or a defense.

So, on to the matchup. I can’t really go into too much detail on what happened here, because really, nothing happened. Stef got zero total points from her runningbacks and D/ST, since she had none. Her two starting WRs scored 5 total points. Her backup QB, Cam Newton, put up a paltry 13 points. I guess the highlight of her weekend was Emmanuel Sanders, who put up a 28 point day for the Broncos.

You would think that with a three-player advantage, JJ would have this in the bag, but Brandon Weeden said, “Nay.” He threw 2 INTs and scored only 8 points. JJ’s waiver wire WR, Allen Robinson, scored only 6 points, and it’s probably because Allen Robinson plays for the Jaguars. And JJ’s backup TE, Tim Wright of the New England Patriots, somehow didn’t record a single catch in the Pats’ blowout of the Broncos, even though GRONK, Julian Edelman, Brandon Lafell, and Shane Vereen were fantasy gold. In short, when you’re top scorer is a kicker that gets you 14 points, you’re screwed.

So…this guy did alright on Sunday. 14 points? And this picture of him is pretty cool, too!

Neither team scored over 100 points, which in this league, is pathetic. In fact, JJ and Stef scored the 3rd and 4th lowest scores in the league all season, respectively. So even while she’s three players down, Stef wins this humiliating and absurdly pitiful matchup, 97.5 – 91. Kinda tough to say that Jen and KJ both tied for the most points this week, but don’t get a win, while Stef comes out with the 4th lowest score all year and does, but hey, that’s fantasy football.

5 (or more) Things More Pathetic Than Stef and JJ’s Week 9 Matchup:

When football players just can’t hold on to the ball.

Really, really bad basketball.

Tinder pick-up lines that spiral out of control but then work anyway.

Comedians that bomb. Also, People from Jersey Shore. Twofer!

The ending of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Well, the whole movie, really.

HOLIDAY BONUS: Songs produced by Patrice Wilson.

Quick Hits

Bob’s Roethlisbergers vs. Reverse Mormon

This matchup reached Red Wedding levels of slaughter. The 11 lowest performing people on Sue’s team scored fewer points that Chryst’ls QB Ben Roethlisberger, who has been fantasy gold these last two weeks. In fact, he was named the AFC offensive player of the week for the second consecutive week, and set an NFL record for most TDs in two straight games (12). Not bad for an alleged rapist with stiff jaw!

Stretch it out, Big Ben. It’s not like they’re gonna do a close-up or anything.

Your Mom’s Fav Fantasy Team vs. Don’t Touch My Spork

Gabe picked up Jeremy Hill as a free agent, so this was more ill-fated than a new appointment as Hand of the King. Nonetheless, Mary put up a pretty good fight with Hoyer doing unexpectedly well despite his two INTs, and Arian Foster and Mohamed Sanu scoring 21 fantasy points each. Then the Ravens let the Steelers ravage them like the Thenns on an unarmed village. Even K Shaun Suisham and punter Brad Wing got aggressive.

Poor #41

To the Ravens’ credit, they managed to get 2 fantasy points from a punt return TD, fumble recovery, and a trio of consecutive sacks (lol…sacks). But Gabe takes the win (again) and Mary loses her first fantasy game against someone she’s dating.

Don’t Make Me Get My Switch vs. Team Leung

The remaining Starks will reunite before Evan takes Matt Prater off his lineup, I swear. While this was an easy victory for Steen, it was also a commendable performance overall and that shouldn’t be ignored. Julian Edelman gave her 39 points, Jeremy Maclin gave her 40 (158 Yds and 2 TDs!), and Joe Flacco still managed to eke out 2 TDs and a 300+ yd game. You get all the lemon cakes, Steen!

If Sansa had Instagram, those would be her forreal hashtags, I’m sure.

White Welkers vs. The Newcummers

John’s team seems to have about as much life in them as the White Walkers after whom it was named. And they seem to be knocked down as many times as Wes Welker, too. But like the Tyrells that don’t play a large part until season 2, the Newcummers are climbing their way to the Iron Championship. Even with Philip Rivers throwing for just 138 yards, including 3 INTs and not a TD to show for it, The Newcummers bested their foe with the help of DeSean Jackson, the 49ers D/ST and HOLY HELL ANTONIO BROWN. I just spent the last 10 min. trying to find a single gif and came up empty, so you can have this.

Power Rankings

Dues

SERIOUSLY. It’s in double digit weeks now. Don’t make me get the hound on you. If you truly don’t want to pay through VenMo, contact one of the LM’s directly and figure it out. Here is who needs to pay:

Happy almost Halloween! And what startling results after Week 8. While the matchups themselves were by and large lamer than bobbing for apples (not a sexual euphemism), the impact of those matchups are kind of a big deal. Meanwhile in the NFL, this past Sunday featured A LOT of scoring, which only means more and more fantasy greatness! Tom Brady had a 5 touchdown day decimating the Bears, but was soon to be topped by Ben Roethlisbergers 6 touchdowns against the Colts. What results? A fuck-ton of fantasy points, of course, and it showed. I can’t remember a week that had so many points, and such close matchups.

Matchup of the Week: The Newcummers vs. It’s On Like Gronkey Kong

How do you match Tom Brady’s favorite target on Brady’s best game of the season? You start Ben Roethlisberger’s favorite target on a Roethlisberger’s career day! GRONK scored 3 TDs Sunday morning, giving KJ 46 points, but Donna came back with a 2 TD, 41 point game from Antonio Brown in the afternoon.

GRONK STIFF ARM! GRONK SCORE!

Before MNF, Donna was down to KJ 154 – 176, but Washington Redskins DeSean Jackson and Barry Church combined for 27.5 points to grab the win, 181.5 – 176. Interestingly enough, KJ would have easily won had he played Tom Brady, but I’m assuming he benched Touchdown Tommy out of loyalty to the Bears. Kind of a rough double whammy. Donna unseats KJ as the #1 team, while moving to 5-3 and separating herself from the pack of 4-3 teams.

Quick Hits

RaShake It Off, RaShake It Off vs. White Welkers

Thanks for that, Larry.

Close matchup, up until Bongratz got this sweet 80-yard TD from Larry Fitzgerald to seal the game. JJ’s only player left on Monday Night, Tony Romo, suffered a back injury and had to leave the game. Plus, you know, he’s Tony Romo.

Team Leung vs. Bob’s Roethlisbergers

This was a blowout. Evan didn’t set his lineup and lost Reggie Wayne to an injury and Vernon Davis to a BYE week. And the Colts were getting blown out by the Steelers so bad that Trent Richardson didn’t even get to play. Chryst’l won 163.5 – 106.5, although if she had started Ben Roethlisberger on his record setting 6 touchdown day, she easily could have broken 200.

There was a lot of this shit going on Chryst’ls bench on Sunday.

Reverse Mormon vs. Your Mom’s Favorite Fantasy Team

Like I said, more of this shit.

The one low scoring matchup in a week with plenty of offensive firepower. Sue only puts up 105 points, and Gabe is able to overcome a -12 from starting the Colts D/ST to get the win and take back first place in the league.

Team Sexy DC Bitches vs. Don’t Make Me Get My Switch

I get jealous thinking about how Jen has both Drew Brees AND Andrew Luck. How can you let Brees’ 37 points go to waste on the bench when there are poor fantasy football-less children in Africa? Shame on you, Jen. It doesn’t matter though. Jen’s combo of Andrew Luck to TY Hilton has been making her a killing the last 3 weeks, and she just simply cannot be outscored.

Playoff Projections

The standings last week were so close that this week’s matchups really shifted around the playoff projections. Take a look at the difference. There isn’t a single person in the same spot!

KJ was ahead of Gabe because of his head-to-head victory, but after losing this week, Gabe takes back first place and stands alone as the only 1-loss team. Stef ranked 5th overall last week in a pack of 4-3 teams, but after getting the top score of the week this week, she moves to 5-3 overall, 1st in the Pacific Division and 2nd overall. Chryst’l was 8th last week because she was 3-4, even though she had the 2nd most points scored in the league. This week, she won and passed Sue as the top scoring team, moving her ahead of the four other 4-4 teams into 5th place.

It just shows how competitive the league is. The upside to this is because most of the teams have such close records, making the playoffs this year is no guarantee for anyone, and there is still plenty of time to emerge victorious or entirely implode. And don’t forget that total points scored matter in the standings! Choose your lineups at your own risk!

Circle of Parity

A circle of parity is when everyone in a league has bested another team, but also been bested by another team. Am I explaining this correctly? Anyway, it’s a sign of healthy competition. We actually achieved this after Week 7 after Chryst’l beat Jen, but didn’t have time to discuss it in the LM note. Each team beat the team on the right, but was beaten by the team on the left.

Power Rankings

The obvious choice would be to make it Halloween-themed. But we do that every year. Also Marvel just shocked the internet by listing release dates for all of their movies until the second coming of Christ. Let’s talk about that instead.

]]>https://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/2014/10/29/come-little-children-ill-take-thee-away-into-this-weeks-lm-note/feed/0dacumafantasyfootballWk7-Wk8 StandingsCircle of Parity1044774-powerrankings-1414618324627You’ll Never Believe These Matchups. What We Discovered Will Shock You.https://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/2014/10/23/youll-never-believe-these-matchups-what-we-discovered-will-shock-you/
https://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/2014/10/23/youll-never-believe-these-matchups-what-we-discovered-will-shock-you/#respondThu, 23 Oct 2014 20:35:35 +0000http://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/?p=631LOL jk. It was pretty standard this week. But we got you to click! And to reward you for your loyalty, and to celebrate her new album coming out this week, guess who is the star of this week’s LM note.

#werk

Imma be honest with you guys. JJ and I both claimed a bye week for LM notes last week with the full intention of doing them this week; but we are still kind of recovering from vacation. This will be short.

Matchup of the Week 1: Don’t Make Me Get My Switch vs. The Newcummers

I love a good sibling rivalry, which is awesome because it happens a lot in this league. This battle between sisters (and also Raniel) turned out to be the closest one this week. Despite scoring majorly high points, Kristine has only notched one victory in Week 3. And despite average to above average performances each week, the Newcummers were 4-2.

For Kristine, Chris Ivory got things started right on Thursday with 107 RuYds and a TD against the Patriots. On Sunday, Joe Flacco was looking slightly less elite than he did last week with as many interceptions as Cutler. But 2 TDs and 258 YDS is not half bad. Jamaal Charles continued being the Chief’s saving grace, as well.

Things were decidedly more milquetoast for Madaniel. I mean yeah, they got 30 points between Leodis McKelvin and Barry Church. But LeSean McCoy was on bye and Knowshon Moreno was on IR. Antone Smith and Jonathan Stewart just couldn’t fill their shoes. The only thing that could have saved them was a miraculously good performance by Antonio Brown on MNF. They were so close, but just fell 7 points short.

A damn fine job, Steen. I mean, yeah, you’re still 2-5. But a subdued celebration is in order.

Matchup of the Week 2: Bob’s Roethlisbergers vs. The Sexy DC Bitches

You can’t tell right now because Chryst’l ended up with the biggest win of the week. But for a hot minute, this matchup was going to be close. The magic combination of Andrew Luck and T.Y. Hilton worked really well for Jen. But Chryst’l came in strong on Sunday night and basically bested the entire league.

I guess that’s what happens when you have two members of the Denver offense when Peyton Manning is gunning for a record.

Quick Hits

The Bad Assets vs. Reverse Mormon

When you can pull out a win against Sue during a week that four of her players score 115 points, you’re just Gone With the Wind fabulous. Have yourself a twirl, Stef.

It’s On Like Gronkey Kong vs. RaShake it Off, RaShake it Off

I have Alshon Jeffrey and Jordan Cameron in my other league, and I know exactly how JJ feels about them this week.

Not so coincidentally, I also lost. Well, players gonna play play play play play. And in the meantime, just shake it off. I already put the video in a different LM note, so here’s here new one, co-written by the frontman for Bleachers. You can totally tell. It sounds like Taylor Swift singing a Bleachers song.

White Welkers vs. Don’t Touch My Spork

One day Jay Cutler will finally get it together and milk the full potential of that offensive line. But for now, I win this. Oh, and I learned my lesson about the Ravens D/ST and they rewarded me with 18 points. I’d like to dedicate this next track to the Steelers D/ST.

Your Mom’s Fav Fantasy Team vs. Team Leung

All anyone needs to know is that Evan didn’t set his lineup again.

Power Rankings

Standings

We are about halfway done with the season. In terms of the standings, we’ve got outliers on both ends of the spectrum and then kind of a deadlock in the middle.

Evan and John are at 1-6. John’s season has been hampered by the Bears underperforming this year, while Evan’s season has been hampered by not even looking at his team.

At the other end of the spectrum we have KJ and Gabe at 6-1. While Gabe has more points overall, he suffered his only loss to KJ by about 50 points.

In the middle we have five teams at 4-3 (The Newcummers, RaShake it Off, RaShake it Off, Reverse Mormon, The Bad Assets). Four of those teams are in the Pacific division. Three of those teams are Dacuma siblings.

Then we have the Sexy DC Bitches at 3-4, just a game behind. And despite having the third highest number of points in this league, Kristine is still only at 2-5.

Dues

No but seriously. Pay them if you haven’t. The season is half over.

I’m not really sure how to end this note, so here is a gratuitous photo of Taylor’s amazing cat Meredith.

]]>https://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/2014/10/23/youll-never-believe-these-matchups-what-we-discovered-will-shock-you/feed/0dacumafantasyfootballWeek7PowerRankingsThis Week Was Totally Intense…NOThttps://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/2014/10/07/this-week-was-totally-intense-not/
https://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/2014/10/07/this-week-was-totally-intense-not/#respondWed, 08 Oct 2014 05:16:39 +0000http://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/?p=618I read a headline that Pizza Hut was bringing back their Book It! program for adults. If you have no clue what I am talking about, I am sad for your life. I am also sad for my life because what they are actually doing is having Book It! alums sign up for an email list and in exchange they get a coupon for one personal pizza. What a letdown.

Kind of like this week’s matchups. After last week’s heart-racing drama, this week was totally flat. Five matchups were completely decided by Sunday night by a large margin. And the only matchup that still even had a shot at being close ended in a 30 point margin. Oh well. At least we get to enjoy this totally 90’s post.

Matchup of the Week: Reverse Mormon vs. Team Leung

This was the only matchup that was up in the air on Monday morning. Evan has proven himself year after year to run a team that could be good once in a while without any effort. This week was his best thus far this season. He started off the morning strong with 100+ yd games from Ben Tate, DeMarco Murray and Vincent Jackson, combining for 68 points. And then the Denver game happened and holy crap Peyton Manning with 479 yds and 4 TDs. That was a whole 49 points!

This was Manning’s 1st TD of the game…but 500th passing TD of his career!

That’s already more points than some people have scored in an entire week. And his total score was actually the 5th highest this week.

But Sue’s team is good. Really good. After a few sizable efforts from Le’Veon Bell and Jordy Nelson, Greg Olsen had 2 TDs in the disappointing game against the Bears (yes this note is biased, no I don’t care), resulting in 26 points. Antonio Gates would give her two more that afternoon. And Phil Dawson was essentially flaw-free in San Francisco, going 6/6, including two 50+ yd FGs. By Monday, all Sue needed to do was get 16 points from Russell Wilson to win. And while the game was not the blowout that everyone thought it would be, Wilson still amassed 40 points in total for Sue, giving her the victory.

Matchup of the Week 2: RaShake it Off, RaShake it Off vs. The Newcummers

JJ started out very strong on Sunday morning with Julio Jones getting 11 catches for 105 points and 23 fantasy points, and then really reaped it in the afternoon. Tony Romo scored him 27 points in the battle to decide which Texas team was marginally less shitty than the other (Dallas won, no1curr). And despite losing the game, Matt Forte just ran all over the Panthers and even managed to get a Rec TD. Add that to another TD from Alshon Jeffery and you’ve got yourself a great week.

Get it Alshon! This moment was so cute.

You know who did not get a Rec TD, though? Brandon Marshall. And with weak contributions from both LeSean McCoy (again, I feel your pain), Chris Johnson and Jason Witten, not even DeSean Jackson’s 157 yds and TD could save the Newcummers.

Quick Hits:

Don’t Touch My Spork vs. The Sexy DC Bitches

See, this is why you play Arian Foster (but only when he is actually playing). Doing so in place of Doug Martin or Michael Floyd would have given Mary the win.

But instead, Surprise Kitten Panda continues her rebranding victory tour of the league.

It’s on Like Gronkey Kong vs. Your Mom’s Fav Fantasy Team

Holy crap, Gabe lost? That’s really the only takeaway you need from this matchup. Kevin finally overthrew Gabe with his most important super power.

And also because Marshawn Lynch, and Tom Brady and Gronkowski rekindling their on-field chemistry.

White Welkers vs. The Bad Assets

When you have Aaron Rodgers killing the Vikings, and Fat Eddie Lacy is actually running the ball, your opponents just don’t stand a chance. Steph easily wins this, no good luck treasure troll necessary.

Admit it, you’ve rubbed that belly and made a wish.

Don’t Make Me Get My Switch vs. Bob’s Roethlisbergers

Like the ugly member of NSYNC, Kristine just cannot catch a break. Of course she goes up against Chryst’l when she has the highest score of the week. Also, Kristine picked a bad week to let go of Tom Brady. Sorry girl. If I could, I would get you a genie in a bottle so you could wish for some victories.

Time Out

Can we just take a moment to appreciate this underrated Britney hit? There’s some football-related flirtation going on. There are also hair beads, frosted lip gloss, denim jackets with jeans, and flare pants. What were we thinking back then? Her hair still looks flawless, though.

PAY YO DUES!

Alright guys, it’s week 5, so it’s really time we settle this. Here are all the people who owe FF dues:

Stefanie

Gabe

Kristine

Jen

Donna/Raniel

Evan

Bongratz

At this point, it doesn’t even matter how you get it to us. Although, a really easy way would be to sign up for Venmo using the link that JJ sent on Facebook, and then paying him $25. It all goes into a cash account that makes it easy to give back to the winners. Plus, there are no fees. So pay up! Say it with me guys!

This was, without question, the most competitive week our league has ever seen (actually, there is some question, because I am too lazy to double check the stats; but it’s probably true). We have two matchups that came down to 1/2 a point, one of which was decided after a scoring change. And there were two more matchups decided by 10 points or less. Even the other two matchups were projected to be extremely close for quite a while. Look at our scores and projections from midday Sunday.

JJ channeled his feelings by detailing our two closest races this week. I seek to alleviate your anxiety with cute baby animals. (Also, Gabe is undefeated so I let him pick the theme this week).

Truth: hedgehogs love toilet paper rolls, idk why.

Matchup of the Week!

Your Mom’s Favorite Fantasy Team vs. Don’t Make Me Get My Switch

Gabe has made some really good moves this season. He’s had to deal with having the two NFL posterboys for domestic abuse on his team, but since then has revamped his team for the better. He picked up Matt Asiata right when the Adrian Peterson allegations surfaced, and this past week, he also put in waiver claims for Larry Donnell and the Miami Dolphins D/ST.

On Thursday night, the Giants embarrassed the Redskins, and Larry Donnell scored on 3 TDs for 31 total points. Not bad for a Wednesday morning waiver pickup. Then on Sunday, Matt Asiata scored Gabe another 3 TDs and 31 points, after reportedly being fired up like a frat boy from some texts Adrian Peterson sent the team about playing every game like it’s their last. Let’s not forget that before this game, Asiata had 3 TDs his entire career, so that production was a bit unexpected. Not so unexpected was Dolphins D/ST scoring 18 points, which is probably less of a compliment toward the Miami Dolphins, and more of a statement of how shitty the Oakland Raiders are. What’s new, right? The Raiders have since fired their head coach after starting 0-4.

Touchdown Thursday

Gabe finished Sunday with 171.5 points. Kristine, however, only had 101 points on Sunday night, but still had 4 players left to play on MNF. At the time, projections said she’d score 180-something points, but I thought that was pretty lofty. Projections always tend to be a bit inflated.

The Kansas City Chiefs smoked the Patriots like they were making Kansas City barbeque. Jamaal Charles scored 3 touchdowns 3 TDs for 32 points, and Travis Kelce, who Kristine picked up Thursday morning, went 8/93/1 for 24 points. Then, Tom Brady threw a 44-yard TD pass to Brandon LaFell, which was enough to put Kristine up 172 – 171.5. What a finish! I had to let her know how awesome I thought her dramatic win was over the only undefeated team in the league.

Unfortunately for Kristine, I had jinxed her. Monday was actually one of Brady’s worst games in his career, and the following drive, threw an interception, which knocked her back down to 170 points. Sorry, Kristine.

Not cool, Tom.

At some point, Julian Edelman returned a punt and scored some points, and brought Kristine’s score back up to 173, so she ended up winning! A fine celebration was in order.

Until Monday, of course, when for whatever reason, Kristine got stat corrected and loses two points from Jeremy Maclin, ending up with only 171 points. Gabe picked up the win 171.5 – 171, in what I can remember as the most dramatic matchup in league history. Gabe is still in 1st place and tied for the most points, and Kristine goes from potentially being 2-2 and in 3rd place to somehow being 1-3 and in 9th place, even though she has the 3rd most points in the league. I feel like that happens to her every year. I dunno.

Baby chimpanzee feels your frustration.

Matchup of the Week 2!

The Bad Assets vs. Ben’s Roethlisbergers

Chryst’l started the week at 1-2, and was starting to lose hope in her team. Week 4 didn’t look like it would make anything better, as most of her starters had a BYE week (mostly because most of her starters are Seahawks), and she had to bring the entire bench out for the game.

At least Chryst’l didn’t leave any points on the bench!

Stef started out well. The Packers destroyed the Bears offensively, and as Aaron Rodgers couldn’t stop throwing TDs, Stefanie continued to rake in the points. Together Rodgers, Eddie Lacy, and Mason Crosby scored her 63 points. However, Chryst’ls team put up a fight. Ben Roethlisberger had a great day against the Buccaneers, throwing 3 TDs and scoring 30 points. Former Seahawk Golden Tate had a great day as well, stealing all of Calvin Johnson’s catches and scoring 23 points.

By Sunday night, Stef was up, 159.5 – 150. Chryst’l had Shane Vereen left, playing on MNF, while Stef’s only player was Carlos Dunlap, a Bengals DE on a BYE week! Chryst’l needed 10 points to take the win. And as we all know, the Patriots-Chiefs game was pretty one-sided. Since we deduct 1 point from each player who loses a game, Chryst’l really needed Vereen to get 11 points. But he got there! And then this happened.

Pretty cool, Tom.

After that, Belichick punted the game and just benched all of his starters. Vereen took his 11 points to the bank, and never got the opportunity to fumble it away. Chryst’l takes the win, 160 – 159.5.

Chryst’ls face while watching MNF.

Quick Hits

The White Welkers vs. It’s On Like Gronkey Kong

Ah, John. Your intense Bears fandom deserves respect and applause. But starting the Bears D/ST playing Green Bay may not have been your best move. That coupled with Jay Cutler’s interceptions means he just barely misses the victory.

Womp womp. Sorry John.

At least Bongratz kept it close against KJ in this low-scoring matchup. Until GRONK.

GRONK SAD

Team Leung vs. The Newcummers

I feel your pain, Madaniel. I have LeSean McCoy in a different league and it’s just the worst. I had first pick, too! What a waste. But wtf happened to DeSean Jackson? And the Panther’s D/ST was also not the greatest idea. Anyway, let’s just say it’s a good thing you were playing Evan (who, btw, has yet to look at his lineup).

The power of teamwork.

Reverse Mormon vs. Don’t Touch My Spork

You can’t tell from the final score, but these seesters were neck and neck for quite a while. That was until Mary got enough points from Blair Walsh (!) and Keenan Allen to pull away. Perhaps things would have been different if two of San Diego’s TDs went to Antonio Gates instead of Eddie Royal. I mean, seriously, Eddie Royal? WTF NOBODY IS CHECKING FOR YOU, EDDIE.

Eddie Royal was like…

And he should’ve been like…

The Sexy DC Bitches vs. RaShake It Off, RaShake it Off

When Jen said she would never again draft all the Redskins as her fantasy team came to play this year, she was for real. JJ didn’t even have a bad week – maybe a little weak defensively, but still some very strong contributions from the Texans D/ST, Tony Romo, and Matt Forte running all up and down the Green Bay defense. Jen just had an amazing team! 41.5 points from Andrew Luck, who I guess tackled somebody? 30+ from Randall Cobb and Frank Gore. And look at Heath Miller doing things. Jen has the biggest win this week. And I’m still going to tease her about the Redskins D/ST getting her negative points.

Baby hedgehog yawns at this matchup.

Trophies and Awards

We have trophies in this league! And if you look on the “League” tab, it will list the weekly trophy winners in the league activity feed. We have four trophies automatically assigned to the week’s top scorer, biggest winner, lowest scorer, and biggest loser.

Not that kind of Biggest Loser. But you also don’t get to meet Drew Brees.

And whenever I have extra time on my hands every now and again, we will hand out one-off trophies to spectacular(ly bad) moves.

The first trophy goes to Evan for Biggest Bench Fail of the Week for playing the wrong Manning. He played the Manning who was on bye, while the Thursday Night Football Manning scored 44 fantasy points.

The second trophy goes to Kristine for Best Use of Lord of the Rings References for the exchange above and also for saying “too long has he sat on my bench” re: starting Steve Smith Sr. this week. Everyone else in this league better step up their game.

Surprise Poll

Who is cuter? Our first option is Tom Brady’s backup because WHAT.

The second option is Joseph Fauria’s pomeranian-husky mix puppy, who was peeing on the floor when Fauria fell down the stairs trying to stop it, thus causing a high ankle sprain.

Power Rankings

I’ve given you your baby spirit animals, guys.

And since you can’t embed photos in power rankings…

League Announcements

DUES! Pay them. Or I shall name some names. Download the Venmo app if you haven’t and just pay the $25. And at some point I am putting everyone on What’sApp because trash talking is more fun when everyone does it.

Mind your bye weeks.

]]>https://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/2014/10/02/more-drama-than-a-chipmunk-can-handle/feed/0dacumafantasyfootballmatchupchartJinxing KristineBad Luck JJ#foreshadowingStat CorrectionAt least Chryst'l didn't leave any points on the bench!Fuck Gronk!week3powerrankings_familyThe Beyonce-themed Post You’ve All Been Waiting For…https://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/2014/09/25/the-beyonce-themed-post-youve-all-been-waiting-for/
https://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/2014/09/25/the-beyonce-themed-post-youve-all-been-waiting-for/#respondFri, 26 Sep 2014 04:30:02 +0000http://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/?p=556This past Saturday, HBO released their special edition recording of the Bey+J’s On the Run Tour as was taped in Paris (and other locations, if you were paying attention to their really shitty editing). Finally, I have the excuse I needed to post as many Beyonce-related things as possible. Warning: you may be overwhelmed. Second warning: This might not be the only time this happens. I promise you NOTHING.

Matchup of the Week 1: The Newcummers vs. Don’t Touch My Spork

Madaniel has been crushing it, making the rest of the league wonder if two heads are really better than one (because Madonna actually does help with the lineup, you know):

Mary was in dire straits from the beginning, projected to lose by about 30 points. It didn’t help that she played Arian Foster, who was out. And Matthew Stafford was a comedy of errors against the Packers – not a TD to his name, 2 INTs and 1 FUM. Madaniel fared much better Sunday morning with a beautiful revenge TD from newly-minted Redskin DeSean Jackson, and 24 points from Philip Rivers laying the hurt on the Bills. They suffered somewhat of a setback by playing the Panther’s D/ST (losing 9 points in the process), but got a 2 TD game out of Antonio Brown.

Despite having strong, though not remarkable, contributions from the rest of her offensive players (including Blair Walsh, who scored all of the Vikings’ points that day), Mary’s chances of overthrowing The Newcummers were slim. She was down 15 points on Monday with only Martellus Bennett left to play, while Madaniel had both Brandon Marshall and Chris Johnson. All was nearly lost when Marshall scored a TD. But a sudden twist of fate – Marshall’s TD was recalled due to a penalty, and Martellus Bennett ended up scoring a TD instead, causing a 12 point swing in Mary’s favor. Bennett would later score another TD, while an injured Marshall and Chris Johnson would see very little action. In a surprising turn of events, Mary hands Madaniel their very first loss.

That’s cool though. Raniel apparently got Donna Jimmy Butler for their 2 year anniversary. And that’s almost as good.

This was a pretty awesome present, NGL. And I bet Raniel totally planned it.

Matchup of the Week 2: Sexy DC Bitches vs. Reverse Mormon

Sue and Jen are super cute together at all times. But Jen made it very clear that their matchup was serious business.

It was a bloody battle between these besties – the two of them are both down a player! Pitta injured his hip and left the game with only 4 points for Jen and is now on IR. Tyvon Branch managed to score Sue 7.5 points before fracturing his foot. He’s expected to be put on IR any minute now.

The vast majority of Jen’s team underperformed. All her offensive players outside of her QB and Flex scored between 0-8 points. And none of her defensive players scored more than 9.5. But hark! Andrew Luck with his 43 points! And then Greg Jennings and Stephen Gotskowski with 11 apiece. Would it be enough?

Nope. 2 TDs from Russel Wilson, 147 YDS from Le’Veon Bell and another TD from Greg Olsen were enough to tip Sue over the edge. Sue takes the win and Jen takes her team…

Quick Hits

Don’t Make Me Get My Switch vs. The Bad Assets

Kristine’s a survivor. She’s not gon’ give up. She’s not gon’ stop. She’s gon’ work harder. Case in point: her very first win this year!

RaShake it Off, RaShake it Off vs. Team Leung

Your Mom’s Fav Fantasy Team vs. White Welkers

Gabe handled the White Welkers with more deft than Samwell Tarly handled the White Walkers (or anything really). Gabe becomes the only undefeated person in the league thus far. OH btw, we can totally call him Dr. Gabe Ferguson now, and I feel like we should sometimes, if only for the LOLs.

Raise a glass to the college grad!

It’s On Like Gronkey Kong vs. Bob’s Roethlisbergers

Girls may run the world, but Chryst’l must’ve bumped her head. KJ rebounds from his deplorable showing last week to taking an easy victory.

Power Rankings

Troll Trades (from JJ)

Earlier this week, I placed Brandon Marshall on my trading block. Not the Brandon Marshall who’s an awesome wide receiver for the Chicago Bears, but the linebacker Brandon Marshall from the Denver Broncos who was playing on the practice squad last year. But eh, who actually knows who that guy is? It wouldn’t be the first time people confused the two Brandon Marshalls.

I wondered who would actually recognize Bronco Marshall if they saw him in a trade offer. So I sent trade offers to about half the league to try and swing him for a better player. Of course, if I were trading the Brandon Marshall from the Bears, it would be an obvious win for the other team. But I’m trading the Brandon Marshall from the Broncos, so it’s a pretty clear trade rape. Who’s gonna notice anyway?

Here’s a screenshot of some of the trades I sent out:

I thought I was sure to get someone, up until Kristine publicly outed me.

Moral of the story: trades are out there. The best ones are when both teams are happy. Go try one.

League Announcements

So far, only three people have paid their dues, and a majority of this league hasn’t even downloaded/signed up for Venmo. Do that. Then pay your dues. Failure to do so by next week’s LM note will result in you being called out.

Also, bye weeks are going to be a thing between now and Week 12. Please mind the byes or I will send some enforcers to embarrass you on Facebook coerce you.

Quick Hits (No Pun Intended)

Matchup of the Week: Don’t Touch My Spork vs. Team Leung

After a solid start with the Ravens D/ST on Thursday, Mary went stagnant Sunday morning with disappointing performances from Cordarrelle Patterson, Michael Floyd and Lamar Miller, who left the game in the 4th quarter with an inury. And for all of Blair Walsh’s good looks and accuracy, none of that matters when the team can’t even get into field goal range. In fact, because of the MIN loss and DEN victory, Evan’s K Matt Prater scored more points than Walsh, and Prater didn’t even play. Meanwhile, Demarco Murray ran all over TEN, and Peyton Manning did Peyton Manning-y things like throwing 3 TDs, giving Evan a really solid lead. But Morgan Burnett came up big for Mary, and Martellus Bennett managed to grab a TD in the CHI comeback on SNF.

I totally called this before it happened. Sue and Gabe were there and can vouch for me.

Evan’s hopes all rested with Reggie Wayne and Trent Richardson. Sadly, neither managed to squeeze out a game-winning performance for IND nor for Evan.

The Newcummers vs. The Sexy DC Bitches

Don’t get me wrong – Jen put up a great effort here. Drew Brees, Alfred Morris and Randall Cobb gave her 2 TDs apiece, and Frank Gore gave her a TD before the Bears took over the rest of the Sunday night game. But Brandon Marshall had 3 TDs for Madaniel (is that what we settled on?) including this sick one-handed beauty.

The catch that turned the game around.

Combine that with 25 TTs from their defensive players and remarkable contributions from Nick Foles and LeSean McCoy on Monday, and The Newcummers continue their strong debut to our league.

Bob’s Roethlisbergers vs. Your Mom’s Fav Fantasy Team

You know what’s kind of funny? Gabe is a Ravens fan, and Chryst’l named her team after the Steelers’ QB. And the Steelers played the Ravens this week and lost. And that’s actually what happened here. That’s also really the only interesting thing about this cut-and-dry matchup.

Chryst’l shows the danger of having too many people from one team – when they have a mediocre or bad day, so do you. Her two Seahawks safeties gave her a paltry 5 points each. And between the Dolphins D/ST and Cameron Wake, she gets -2.5. Not that those few points really mattered. As Chryst’l told me today, “Dez Bryant did me dirty.” And Dan Bailey and Giovani Bernard did too. Did Dan Bailey score the most points for a K this week? Let’s assume yes because I’m too lazy to check.

Gabe wins. But we can still side-eye his very questionable choice in draft picks.

At least he dropped them faster than their teams did?

White Welkers vs. Don’t Make Me Get My…

If you haven’t noticed, Kristine changed her team name from “Jamaal Night Long,” which is probably wise since he has a high ankle sprain now and was kind of a bust this week. Also sadly for her, Charles Tillman got injured and left the game early, not to return for the season.

It’s not so much that Kristine did poorly as it is that John did extremely well. Jay Cutler (of all people) had 4 TDS! (And randomly 25 rushing yards.) Sammy Watkins, who only had 3 RECs for 31 YDSlast week, had 117 YDS this week and 1 TD, and Jimmy Graham had 118 YDS and 2 TDs. John makes a spectacular comeback and gets the victory this week.

Reverse Mormon vs. RaShake it Off, RaShake it Off

If there is anyone in this league who truly crushed it this week, it’s Sue. With Adrian Peterson out and Stevan Ridley (101 RuYds, 1 TD) and Antonio Gates (96 RecYds and 3 TDS HOLY HELL THAT GUY IS SO OLD HOW DID THAT HAPPEN) on her BENCH for the love of God, she still gets over 200 fantasy points, laying waste to JJ’s team. JJ, you know what to do.

Good players gonna play, play, play, play, play…

It’s On Like Gronkey Kong vs. The Bad Assets

Kevin’s team was all like…

I have no idea what happened here. I think Sue summed it up best when she said, “Wait, did Kevin…is he…like…I mean, did he check?”

We’re just going to have a short moment of silence for Kevin’s team. And then we can congratulate Stef on easily her greatest performance in the history of this league.

NFL Players To Make You Smile

More often than not, NFL players are not terrible people. In fact, while the worst of the league was making a shameful spectacle of itself this week, these people were doing cute/fun things.

Colin Kaepernick (QB, SF) possibly praying for forgiveness for his use of foul language during the Sunday Night game:

Power Rankings

Shakespeare-themed this week so you can get your learn on. Also because I just love Shakespeare, IDK.

League Announcements

If you didn’t already have Venmo, you probably received an invitation to join from JJ. Download the app and join it. It is how we will handle dues this year. JJ will then charge you the $25, which will be kept in an escrow of sorts and then sent out at the end of the season. And there are no fees!

Moreover, if you haven’t already, download What’sApp and then let me/Sue/Donna know when that has been done. We have set up a group chat so all of our trash talking and football opinions can be recorded in one place. It’s more inclusive that way. We want everyone to feel like they are really part of this league. You’ll also be endlessly entertained by Sue’s flawless use of emoticons.

]]>https://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/2014/09/18/hide-your-wife-hide-your-kids/feed/0dacumafantasyfootballAt least he dropped them faster than their teams did?photo 1torreysmithphoto 2photo 3photo 2kaepernickweek2powerrankings_familyrainA New(b) Seasonhttps://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/2014/09/10/a-newb-season/
https://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/2014/09/10/a-newb-season/#respondThu, 11 Sep 2014 05:14:51 +0000http://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/?p=510Football is finally here! The fantastic kind, of course. Before I talk about this past weekend’s matchups, let’s ring in the new season with a song, shall we?

Quick Hits

Matchup of the Week: Reverse Mormon vs. The Newcummers

This was a back-and-forth matchup between two life long besties, Sue and Donna (and Raniel). Sue started with the lead on Thursday, getting 38 combined points from QB Russell Wilson and WR Jordy Nelson. Donna responded with a great Sunday – 5 of her 7 offensive starters had 18 or more points, including a 30 point game from WR Antonio Brown, who had 5 catches for 116 yards, 1 touchdown, and 1 flying front heel kick to a punter’s face.

By the end of Sunday night, Sue was down, 149 – 173, but she was projected to score 169.

And dirty it got. Unfortunately for Sue, it’s only because WR Victor Cruz and DE Jason Pierre-Paul did her dirty, combining for a lousy 5 points. Donna and Raniel win, 173 – 154.

Jamaal Night Long vs. It’s On Like GRONKey Kong

Thursday night’s opener between the Seahawks and Packers featured a dominating 110 yard, 2 TD rushing performance from Marshawn Lynch, and KJ couldn’t be any happier about that. Thanks to Beast Mode, KJ started with a 29-point lead, and never looked back. He also got a lot of defensive help from JJ Watt, Paul Posluszny, and Harrison Smith, who combined for 41 points. Meanwhile, Kristine dropped Nick Roach to pick up Daryl Smith, but didn’t put him in her lineup in time and ended up without a starting LB, and only ended up with 19 points from her starting IDPs. Lesson learned: Make sure you reset your lineup after you make a transaction! Kristine still got a strong Sunday night 3 touchdown game from Julius Thomas to catch up, but in the end, KJ ends up taking this one, 185 to 161.

White Welkers vs. Bob’s Roethlisbergers

Wow, what a blowout. Senor Bongratz had one of the worst defensive weekends I can remember. Two of John’s defensive players, LB Derrick Johnson and DE Jadeveon Clowney, both got injured Sunday and will miss major time. DE Jared Allen and the Rams D/ST combining for zero points. The lone bright spot was how well DB Richard Sherman played. Too bad Sherman was so dominant that Aaron Rodgers didn’t even look toward Sherman’s side of the field, and Sherman’s only point came from the Seahawks win.

Listen up, kiddos. Here’s your fantasy football tip of the day: Dominant corners in the NFL can make terrible fantasy players.

Meanwhile for Chryst’l, where doesn’t this game go right? She puts up 177 total points, including 17 from a clutch Wednesday pickup of the Lions D/ST. This matchup was over once it started, and Chryst’l said “I’m gonna get you succotash!” Final score: 88 – 177.

Burger of the Day: The I’m Gonna Get You Succotash Burger (comes with succotash)

RaShake It Off, RaShake It Off vs. Don’t Touch My Spork

This had some good pre-game banter. Mary didn’t know that the kicker she drafted, Alex Henery, had been cut by the Eagles. Of course, I could tell her, but where’s the fun in that?

JJ started out with a great Sunday morning, the highlight of which was Kicker Matt Bryant hitting a 50 yard field goal at the end of regulation, and then another 50 yard game-winner in overtime. It was like a free 10 points in about 5 minutes.

Then things started to go south. Tony Romo threw 3 interceptions Sunday afternoon and could only muster up 10 points. Mary almost caught up after QB Matt Stafford threw for a walloping 40 points on Monday night, but it was all for naught, as Mary came up about 15 points short, and JJ won 174 – 159.5.

The Bad Assets vs. Your Mom’s Favorite Fantasy Team

Get this: Gabe had two players who both scored more than forty points (Matt Ryan and Calvin Johnson), and also had two players who both laid an egg (Bernard Pierce, Jordan Reed). And he STILL put up 170 fantasy points! Stef’s team just could not keep up.

Team Leung vs. Team Sexy DC Bitches

Evan’s team made a good effort, as Peyton Manning, DeMarco Murray, and Vernon Davis both scored more than 20 points, but it just wasn’t good enough, since Jen had enough solid games from her team to barely win it. Also Evan, you should get a new kicker.

Who’s Having the Best Week Ever?

I wanted to get this league bumped up to 12 teams to make it more competitive. Did it work? Check out the six winners from Week 1:

It’s On Like Gronkey Kong (KJ): 185 points

Bob’s Roethlisbergers (Chryst’l): 177 points

RaShake It Off, RaShake It Off (JJ): 174 points

Your Mom’s Favorite Fantasy Team (Gabe): 170 points

The Newcummers (Donna/Raniel): 173 points

Team Sexy DC Bitches (Jen): 145 points

Notice anything? All five of the teams that joined us the last two years won, and four of those five won big. KJ knocked it out of the park and scored the most points this week, and Jen won her first game ever in this league after not winning a single one last year! So I guess it worked. This league is more competitive, because our league’s newbies are having the best week ever.

Team Names

A lot of our teams change names each year. It’s a new season, and we got a lot of great new names this year, but that means we lost a lot of good ones as well. Let’s take a look at some of the best team names this league has seen.

TV and Movie References

Yamo Be There – The first awesome team name we had in the league, which stems a scene from The 40 Year Old Virgin that’s so funny it yah mo burns my sides.

Vinegar Strokes – Another gem from Kristine. For those of you who don’t know, vinegar strokes are the face you make when you orgasm, because it looks like you just took a deep whiff of vinegar. Legend has it that if you see another man’s vinegar strokes, you can see into his soul.

Wizzard Sleeves – A charming reference to Borat Sagdiyev’s wife.

Your Mom’s Favorite Fantasy Team – This is not an insult toward you. It’s from the NFL Play 60 commercial with the little kid who wants to be Cam Newton’s Mom’s favorite player. Although I guess he does cross the line a little.

Wordplay-ers (ah? get it? right? because it’s wordplay? and players?)

So Call Me Brady – Because who can forget the song of Summer 2012? Don’t tell me you haven’t fist pumped to this before, you fucking liar. And nothing says fantasy football, or anything even remotely sports related like good ol’ CRJ.

Everyday I’m Russellin – Probably the most seamless use of a player’s name in this league.

Katniss Evereen and Pitta Mellark – Yup I put my own team name here. I’m quite proud of this one. I mean, a double player reference? That’s definitely a league record. Not to mention it also led to one of the best team logos.

Things About Penises

Dangerous Boners – Man, do I love a good penis joke, and even more-so when it’s football relevant. This team name strikes fear in the hearts of many, with a subtle hint of hilarity.

Lance Briggs asked if players use Viagra to get an edge as Brandon Marshall said: "There would be a lot of dangerous boners on the field."

The Newcummers – HAHA! Everytime I say “Newcummers” to myself, I can’t help but laugh. It’s the perfect name for Donna and Raniel, who are new to the league. And overall, it’s just funny sounding. “Cummer.” “Cumming.” It rolls right off the tongue. “Cum.” Short and sweet. Because it contains glucose.

The Shameless Self-Reference

Ndamukong Sue – If I was reading this, you’d never know it was a pun!

Team Bulaon Cube – I had to put this here. It’s an awkward pun that took some people weeks to get. It’s funny in the same way that Snakes on a Plane is funny.

NFL Penises We’d Like To See

During a group text session during the SEA vs. GB game, Sue mention how happy Jen was to have Seattle’s D. The conversation quickly turned to other D’s in the NFL we’d be happy to have. Mary may or may not be responsible for that. But here’s where we landed.

Power Rankings

For the newbs, each week ESPN gives our league power rankings, which basically rank your team in order of your potential to win a championship. ESPN also automatically generates some really cheesy commentary that we like to change according a theme.

The Lion King just celebrated its 20th anniversary. That film was easily the best version of Hamlet to ever hit the big screen, and possibly Jonathan Taylor Thomas’s best work. We honor it now with our Week 1 power rankings.

League Announcements

This year we will be handling dues via Venmo because it’s a nice holding cell for monies and doesn’t require fees. If you haven’t downloaded the Venmo app, you should go ahead and do that. You’ll probably find it useful in the future anyway. Dues are $20 and will be payable to Sue.

Also, in the spirit of having a more competitive league, we encourage you all to step it up on your trash talk and general football-related banter. We think it’s more fun. There are message boards available on ESPN that we already know nobody will use. There’s also text and Facebook. Make friends with people. The Internet makes it okay to stalk people you barely know. Plus, the screenshots make for great LM note material.

]]>https://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/2014/09/10/a-newb-season/feed/0dacumafantasyfootball"It's Gonna Get Dirty" - SueBeing CutthroatKatniss and Peetapeen chartweek1rankingsIt is Decidedhttps://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/2014/08/16/it-is-decided/
https://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/2014/08/16/it-is-decided/#respondSat, 16 Aug 2014 21:00:09 +0000http://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/?p=493After a week of voting, the poll results from on some rule changes are now here! Our draft on August 24th is approaching really soon, so it’s about time to update you on all of our rule changes so you can strategize correctly.

Poll Results

New Defensive Format: 1 DL, 1 LB, 1 DB, and 1 D/ST (55.56% of votes)

Overwhelmingly, the poll results show that our league is really into individual defensive players. Some owners would even get rid of Team Defenses/Special Teams as a whole. Depending on how the year goes, that might be something we look into next offseason, but for now, we’ll take the next step up and just break down the IDPs into more positions.

This was a really close race. 6 point PTDs were ahead to start, but some late voters evened it out. If it wasn’t for the late voter from a couple days ago who voted for 6 point PTDs, this would be a tie and I wouldn’t be sure what to do. But alas, this upcoming season, we’re using 6 point PTDs, so draft accordingly. And if everyone hates this rule after this year, we can revisit the subject at a later time.

Fumble Recoveries: Fumble Recoveries are awarded no points, Fumbles are -1, and Forced Fumbles are 3 points (57.14% of votes)

It seems like owners generally agree that no one cares too much about fumble recoveries.

The one vote for “I don’t care” was me. I was originally against this, but had a feeling the league would like this, because if there’s one thing I learned our league owners like, it’s that they LOVE to score points. Overall, I don’t think that return yards will dramatically shift the league scoring, so I’m happy to give the league owners what they want.

For full results, view the polls on last week’s LM note. Here the other rule changes we’re implementing this year. Yay for Democracy!

We’d totally rule at fantasy congress.

Roster Size

We started out as a small league, with only 6 teams in 2010, 8 teams in 2011, and 10 teams the past two years. While a 10-team league is standard on ESPN, 12-team leagues are just as common, and can get even more competitive and exciting! Of course, expanding to 12 teams called for a re-evaluation of our current roster sizes.

Starting Lineups: Removed the WR/TE Flex Spot

In past years, we were a small league, so our free agent pool was actually a little too full. Having 2 flex spots (instead of 1, which is normal across most fantasy sites) allowed teams to play 3 RBs AND 3 WRs, so your draft talent wouldn’t go to waste. I’m really excited to have a bigger league, but for the good of the league, we’ve removed that 2nd flex spot (WR/TE) we’ve had.

Having 1 less flex spot means that the player talent pool isn’t spread too thin. Once you get past the top 25 – 30 RBs and WRs, there’s not much left except for sleepers, handcuffs, and bench fodder. Under last year’s rules, most people would start 3 RBs and 3 WRs. If we had those same rules this year, nobody would have any quality backups. So, if one of your starters gets injured this year, hopefully you’ll be comfortable putting someone in that flex spot.

Bench Slots: Still 8 bench spots (even though we have more starters) and Decreased Position Limits

Here’s a question: What was the maximum amount of WRs you could have on your team last year? The answer is 8. I know because I tried to pick up a 9th WR and was denied. DENIED? When does anyone ever get denied due to reaching a position limit?

This was a sign that the roster size was too large. Last year, our roster size was 20, which allows teams to have enough backups at all positions. But when you’re like me and decide to not have a backup at most positions so you can stock up on RBs and WRs instead, then you run into these crazy position MAX rules that shouldn’t be an issue in the first place. Only about half of teams last year carried a backup QB, DP, or D/ST, leaving the waiver wire pretty bare, and filled with guys who would never even sniff a starting lineup.

Don’t be this douche when scouring the waiver wire.

The number of bench spots is staying the same, but you really have less bench space because we’ve added 2 extra DP slots, and 3 of those are entirely new positions (DL, DB, LB), and some people might want to find that backup DB because good ones are so hard to find. On top of that, we’ve reduced the position maximums across the board, to prevent gamers (like the Japanese villain shown above) from spamming the free agent market.

In total, it makes our roster size 21 players. I know, I know, I hate odd numbers too, and it will penalize people at the end of the draft. But 21 is the right size. It’s not too small where you’re really tight on bench space, but not too large where people can hoard free agents. Each position on your team (including your bench) is now much more valuable, and each waiver decision is that much harder. Don’t worry, though. If you lose a player to injuries or BYEs, you’ll be more likely to pick up a quality backup instead of some sorry receiver like Crabtree.

Defensive Scoring and Other Changes

Since our league does employ an odd defensive format, it’s hard to find the “perfect” scoring system. It doesn’t help that there is no standard IDP scoring system. My quest to find that perfect system continues, and here are the changes for this year.

Defensive Touchdowns: 6 points instead of 4

When we switched to IDP format, I changed the scoring values for the D/ST touchdowns to 4 points, so owners wouldn’t double dip on plays. For instance, if you had Patrick Peterson AND the Cardinals D/ST, and Patrick Peterson scored on a pick six, you’d get 10 points instead of 12.

I’ve reconsidered. Remember what I said earlier about how our league loves scoring points? That applies here, too.

Who cares if you score big when double dipping on a play? You’d do the same if Matt Schaub threw a touchdown to Andre Johnson and you started them both that week. Hell, if it was a 50-yard bomb, you’d double dip on the bonus points too. Fuck it; good on you for taking that risk.

As if you needed more reasons to justify scoring more points, this helps out the offensive-defensive balance. Fantasy Football has always been a game centered around offensive skill players. That’s changed a bit with our new IDP format, but we still use more offensive players than defensive, even though math has shown that the game is really a cocktail made of 3 parts O, 3 parts D, and a splash of special teams. More defensive points is like the extra bit of Cointreau and lime juice added to your Patron (in this case, special teams is the salt). Notice that I didn’t mention sour mix.

Minor IDP Scoring Changes:

Interceptions and Blocked Kicks increase from 3 to 4 points: Forced fumbles are 3 points, and most would agree that an interception or blocked kick impacts the game more than a forced fumble.

Safeties increase from 2 to 4 points: Safeties are worth 2 points in the game, although with the change in position and gain in field position advantage, it’s actually worth more. Plus, you might go an entire season without scoring a safety in a matchup.

Other Changes:

Defensive scoring for Points Allowed and Yards allowed have changed: In short, I’ve increased the range in both of these categories, so you gain more points on really good defensive days, and lose more points on really bad ones. Also, the Points Allowed Category range is increased from +5 to -6 to +10 to -8. Go big or go home.

Missed PATs and FGs under 40 yards are -1 point, and missed FGs (40-49 yds) are not penalized: 40+ yard FGs can be hard to make (sometimes), and losing points suck in general. Now only the PATs and sub-40 yard kicks get penalized.

Draft Date: Sunday, August 24th, 5pm PST / 7pm CST

There’s about a week left before our draft date, so start preparing, and make sure you take all of the new rules into consideration. In case you forgot the draft order, I’ve reposted it below. Good luck!

FUN FACT: Sue has never drafted lower than 3rd in this league. She was 2nd in 2010, 2011, and 2012, and 3rd in 2013. Now she’s 1st. Less than half a percent odds, and they are still ever in her favor.

]]>https://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/2014/08/16/it-is-decided/feed/0dacumafantasyfootballDon't be this douche when scouring the waiver wire.Fantasy Football RULES!https://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/2014/08/07/fantasy-football-rules/
https://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/2014/08/07/fantasy-football-rules/#respondThu, 07 Aug 2014 20:32:13 +0000http://dacumafantasyfootball.wordpress.com/?p=470I personally think that our league is more exciting than your standard league on ESPN, CBS, NFL, YAHOO!, or any other website because of all the crazy scoring rules we have. If you’re in multiple fantasy leagues, the different scoring rules can be a breath of fresh air.

Every year, I evaluate our rules for improvements. I keep a list of my ideas on my phone throughout the season so I can pitch them to you guys before the start of the next season. Now is your chance to give me some feedback.

IDP Rosters

Our league switched to using Individual Defensive Players (IDPs) in 2012. Since then, I’ve had more fun. The IDP format not only accentuates the defensive side of the game, but also gives me more to research and find advantages in.

One problem with IDP formats though is that it favors linebackers because they get more tackles than every other position, and tackles are the most frequent, consistent scoring category. Last year, most teams carried only linebackers to fill their DP slots because outside of guys like JJ Watt and Peanut Tillman. It’s hard to get significant contributions from the other defensive positions, even though they are equally as important as the linebackers in the actual game. (Shout out to Richard Sherman).

One solution is to change the IDP rostering so that teams must start a mix of each defensive position (defensive linemen (DL), linebackers (LB), and defensive backs (DB)).

Pros: This would make other defensive positions more important. You’d finally get your chance to pick up and start your favorite cornerback or defensive end.

Cons: The downside is that it would require more work to manage a team. We’d have to decide on what combination of defensive positions we want to use. What if you like using team D/STs? Having a lot of IDPs might mean getting rid of team D/STs altogether.

Passing TDs

All quantitative sports analysts agree that passing is more efficient than rushing. And yet we count passing touchdowns as 4 points instead of 6. It isn’tuncommon to see 6-pt PTD leagues (it’s standard at CBS and NFL), but some sites will score passing TDs as 4 points so QBs aren’t overvalued.

But should QBs be overvalued? After all, quarterback is the most important position in team sports (FACT according to me). Take a look at different sports analytics articles and you’ll see that most experts agree that passing is much more efficient than rushing, giving more importance to a teams passing game.

We’re a league full of owners who love grabbing their QB early. The last two years, the first 5 QBs came off the board in the first two rounds, and most were much earlier than ESPN projections! We also are a league of owners who don’t value grabbing QBs early, and like to find them in the late rounds. In any case, 6 point PTDs fits in with both of these draft strategies.

So what do you guys think?

Pros: It makes elite QBs more valuable, which matches how we’ve drafted them before. It also reflects the significance of QBs in the actual game.

Cons: If you relied heavily on ESPN rankings, you might not do so well, because ESPN bases their analysis on 4-point PTD leagues. Or maybe, you just don’t think that passing TDs should be scored so highly because they happen so often.

Fumble Recoveries

I really dislike scoring fumble recoveries. You might remember that last year, I made the scoring change to make fumble recoveries the same absolute value as fumbling, so you couldn’t gain points when a player lost a fumble, and then another player on your team recovered said fumble. But really, who plans on fumble recoveries? No one ever says, “Oh I love that player. He recovers so many fumbles!” Why? Because fumble recoveries are completely RANDOM. There is no statistical proof that players or teams recover fumbles with any consistency. No one knows where the hell it’s going to bounce. It’s an oblong ball for crying out loud!

That touchdown was pure Luck.

Am I saying fumbles have no importance in the game? Nay! In fact, there is a correlation between fumbling and losing, and a correlation between forcing fumbles and winning, regardless of who recovers the ball. There’s just no evidence that shows that recovering fumbles is a skill.

I propose that we remove fumble recoveries completely as a scoring category. Furthermore, instead of having Fumbles Lost as a scoring category (-2 points), I propose we change it to just Fumbles (-1 point), which will count regardless of who actually recovers it. Theoretically, this causes no overall change in scoring — if fumble recoveries are random, there is a 50% chance of losing a fumble and you would lose 1 in every 2 fumbles. Under both scoring rules, you’d still lose 2 points. Similarly, forced fumbles would increase from +2 points to +3.

Pros: Fumble recoveries suck! Who needs ‘em!

Cons: Randomness is just part of the game. It happens, so deal with it. Defensive TDs are pretty fluky too, but you don’t see anyone complaining about those!

Kick/Punt Return Yards

A couple years ago, Bongratz asked if we scored return yards. I said we didn’t, and he responded, “WEEEEEAAAAAAAAAK!”

Kick and punt return yards aren’t a standard scoring category. They’re so rarely used, it’s crazy hard to even find any analysis about it online. But, there is no denying how much great field position from big kick returns can affect a football game. What we could do is award 1 point for every 25 KR yards and 1 point for every 10 PR yards.

See, that kick return from Dan Connolly doesn’t count for shit because he didn’t score, but if we counted return yards you would score 2 points. That is, if you started him. But in that case, why the eff are you starting a right guard in your fantasy lineup?

So, how do you guys feel about scoring kick return yards (1 point for every 25 yards) and punt return yards (1 point for every 10 yards)?

Pros: We score all other yards (passing, rushing, receiving), so why don’t we score return yards? Field position is huge, and nothing affects field position more than return yards. Plus, since we use an IDP format, every returner is eligible, and it makes defensive backs even more important.

Cons: It’s not a standard scoring category, so it will be hard to find any analysis or rankings on kick returners. We already have our work cut out for us since we use an IDP format. Why add more work? Plus, return yards are hard to score. A guy can take a knee in the middle of his endzone on a kickoff and score no points, and the ball is placed on the 20 yard line. Or, he can return the kick 25 yards, get 1 fantasy point, and the ball is still placed on the 20 yard line. What gives?

Don’t Care: Sure, return yards are hard to score, but aren’t all yards? A 20 yard pass on 3rd-and-25 gets you 2 fantasy points, but was it really worth anything at all? Adding return yards as a scoring category does add more work, but it doesn’t really have an impact. Since the NFL recently moved the kickoff line, there have been more and more touchbacks on kickoffs. Anyway, all the best returners are specialists, and don’t have an impact as an offensive or defensive skill player. So even if you rostered the NFL’s best kick returner, you’d never start him anyway.

I’ll post the results in the next LM note, along with our official draft day. So far it looks like the draft will be on Sunday, August 24 at 9 p.m. CT/ 7 p.m PT. If you have any solid opposition to this, input your schedule using the link in Mary’s email. Thanks guys!