Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Hodger
awoke the next morning, eyes squinting at the sunlight coming through the
window. He rolled over and then screamed, scrambling to put many pillows
between him and the nearby chair.

“Good morning,” The chicken said,
sitting in the chair, turning the page of the morning paper.

“What are you doing here?” Hodger
said, “You got your night of sleep! Now go get roasted like decent poultry.”

The chicken folded the paper closed
and set it aside, “That’s exactly why I am here. I know you’re not a Gnome, but
you seem to have the uncanny ability to convince people otherwise. I, on the
other hand, am an intelligent bird that can’t seem to get anyone to see me more
than food, and I need some body’s help.”

“You need my help?” Hodger asked.

“Just to find someone here in
Squaddlewog. Then I’ll leave you alone.”

“What’s in it for me?”

The chicken’s eyes turned back to
the paper, “I said, I’ll leave you be. Otherwise I will find someone here to
kill the evil Gnome lurking within the city.”

Hodger grabbed his candlewax staff
and lit it with a lighter up his sleeve and pointed it toward the chicken,
“What if I just roast you now and save you from speaking more about Gnomes.

The chicken looked at Hodger, and
then at the staff. The chicken then blew out the candle. He turned back to his
paper.

Hodger leaned back onto the bed
defeated, “What is your name? It isn’t just ‘Chicken’, is it?”

“I am a studious chicken, that’s
all you need to know.”

“Then I’ll just call you Stu.”

“Stu!” The chicken exclaimed, “What
a preposterous name!”

Just then the door opened, and the
smell of coffee and fried eggs came through the door. A young boy followed
shortly after, pulling in a tray. He turned to the two guests and put his arms
at his sides. He had dirty blonde hair in a bowl cut. His hair hung a little
lower in the front, partially covering his blue eyes. His height and stature he
looked no more than sixteen. The boy put his arms on his sides and smiled,
missing a front tooth in his grin.

Though Hodger’s stomach grumbled
and his nose sniffed, Hodger’s eyes could only focus on the gold bangle that
hung loosely on the young waiters left wrist. If Hodger got anything from his
unknown father, it was the love of gold. Hodger never had the desire to horde
it, like most dwarfs, but to use it to buy things like food and more food.

When a slight frown, the boy picked
up the pot and set it on a nearby table.

“Anything else?” the boy asked.

Stu requested a small plate of
bacon and potatoes, refraining from the eggs altogether. Hodger stood and
grabbed the pot of sausages and started scooping them into his personal bag,
and then requested more if more should be cooked. The Gnome then helped himself to eggs, bacon,
and chilled milk.

As the boy turned from them to
start putting things back together, Hodger’s eyes went back to the golden
bracelet. He reached for it, and as he grabbed it, a shock went through him and
sent him into the bedframe.

The boy didn’t notice, but smelled
burning Gnome in the air, and turned. He yelped and rushed to the Gnomes aid,
pulling him free from the bedframe.

“I told Lucille not to make those
eggs, they were spotted funny!” He said as he pulled the Gnome free. Hodger
fell onto the bed.

Stu rolled his eyes at Hodger, then
turned to the boy, eyeing the bracelet, “What is your name young man?”

“Ralph, or Ralphie Junior as my
friends call me.” The boy said, dabbing the smoking Gnome with a wet rag from
his belt.

“Ralph Jr., are you the son of the
great Rudolph?” Stu asked, hopping from his chair to the bed.

“The Hero of NorthPost is my pops,”
Ralphie said smiling, “Though he is retired.”

“What is the son of a hero doing
here?” Stu asked. Hodger rolled over and silently paid attention to his food,
begrudgingly avoiding his eggs to thwart suspicion.

“My dad said a powerful wizards
come through inns,” He shrugged, “I figure I might as well make some money
while I wait.”

“You seek a wizard? Whatever for?”
The chicken walked over the bed to Hodger’s bag and picked up a sausage and
started to nibble. Hodger audibly growled.

Ralphie didn’t seem to notice, “My
sword is stuck in a chest. My father said that only someone with magical powers
can get it out for me.”

Stu turned to the Gnome, and raised
one of his chicken eyebrows, “Well, it just so happens we are powerful
wizards.”

The Gnome went cold and attempted
to protest, but choked on his food.

“He is?!” Ralphie said looking at
Hodger, “Oh Mr. Wizard, I’d love for you to help!”

“We are.” Stu corrected, “And we’d be happy to help.”

Ralphie jumped up excitedly, “Yes!
Thank you! Don’t-Don’t leave, I’ll be back in a half hour. I feel so silly now,
I should have noticed his staff!”

--

“Why did you have to bring all of those sausages?” Stu asked
as he and Hodger moved downstairs.

“Sausages don’t spoil. They are good for the road.” Hodger
answered.

“You are a dolt. They do
spoil.”

“Nonsense, they just turn into jerky. Everyone knows that.”

Stu was going to argue further, but decided seeing a sick
Gnome would bring him far more amusement.

As they reached the base of the steps, both Ralphie and
Lucille stood waiting. Ralphie smiled from ear to ear as the chicken hopped
down the last step. Lucille also smiled, her teeth gleaming in the sunlight.
She now wore goggles, the bright yellow eyes now contained. Even so, Hodger
avoided looking at her altogether, as his wits told him to always fear demons.
Instead, he looked at Ralphie, who now wore a wooden sword at his hip, his
golden bangle hanging loosely on the wrist and rested on the pommel of the
weapon. Hodger’s ears twitched upon the sight of the bangle, his left shrank
and tilted forward while his right ear stretched and pointed outward. The Gnome
shook his head and pulled on his ear.

“It looks like everybody’s here!” Lucille said. She picked
up Stu and petted him. Stu was not amused.

Hodger nodded and walked in a wide circle around the new
strangers paying him too much attention. He got to his exit, “Good day to you
all,” he turned and quickly left.

He walked into the late morning air. Ralphie and Lucille
followed him out.

“Where are you going?” Lucille said.

“Left.” Hodger said

“Straight to my house!” Ralphie said. “He’s definitely
magical.”

“I, uh, meant right.”

“You said you’d help him.” Lucille said, petting Stu.

“I did not say I’d help him, Stu said he’d help him.”

“Who is Stu?” She asked.

Hodger pointed, “Stu’s the chicken.”

“That’s a silly name for a chicken.” Stu said.

“Actually, it works pretty well.” Lucille said, nodding.

Hodger turned toward Ralphie, whose face was full of utter
defeat.

The Gnome looked down at his shoes and scratched his left
foot with his right, “I-I-I am not the one you seek. I am a Gnome who seeks
fortune, not adventure.”

Ralphie wiped his eyes, “If it is fortune you seek, my
father has acquired a great wealth in his travels.

Lucille nodded, “No one is as rich as Rudolph the Great,
only second to the king of Squaddlewog.”

Both ears perked up.

“D-d-does he have any of those bangles?”

Ralphie looked at his wrist, “Yeah, a lot of’em. This
doesn’t do nothin’ though.”

Hodger twitched, “I sense great magic within it. It-it
protects you.”

Ralphie raised an eyebrow, “Oh? I never noticed.”

Hodger twitched again, “I have. Th-that’s why I’m a great
Gnome.”

Stu rolled his eyes. He then panicked as Lucille grabbed
both of his legs tightly and lifted him into the air, turning him like a
weather vane.

“Left?” Lucille said, pointing Stu in the proper direction.

Hodger nodded. Ralphie and Lucille took off in a run,
Lucille refusing to lower Stu despite his demand otherwise. He flapped his
wings in frustration. The Gnome took a match from his pouch and lit his
candlewax staff and then walked forward after them.

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Hodger stood on his toes as he
leaned forward to blow out the candle on his staff before walking into the
well-lit streets of Squaddlewog on Squaddlewog Street. Squaddlewog was a place
that even he, a tiny Gnome, could blend in. Or, at the very least, be ignored.
He wasn’t a real Gnome, of course, his father being Dwarfish and his mother
being elf descent. Their drunk one night stand left his mother pregnant and not
on speaking terms with his father, whom Hodger had never met. Hodger was
vertically challenged even by dwarf standards and hairy on spots where you
shouldn’t be. He had ears that were often past his bald head. The ears changed
length on a day to day basis.

Even with Gnomes being fictitious
as they were, people still believed in them, and often confused Hodger with
being one. The tales of these fictitious magical creatures would often end in
gold or cookies if they were caught. Those stories were wrong, of course, as
the original tales of gold and cookies were of leprechauns and not Gnomes.

The original stories of Gnomes were
often horrific. Normally ending in maiming or being devoured alive. It is
because of these original stories Hodger took a great amount of effort to grow
a beard, and then sewed together a hat that allowed his ears to grow and shrink
as they please, put a candle on top of a stick and called himself a Gnome.

People tended to stray away from
things that could hurt them, and fire was understood among the well-adjusted
people that it could hurt. For this reason, Hodger carried around his candlewax
staff with a wick on the end, learning how to quickly light it with a trick of
his hand. When approached for gold or cookies, he promised evil, fiery things
to those closest. When Hodger didn’t go through with his threats, however,
people started to ask questions, and Hodger always seemed to leave before those
questions could be fully answered. Some of those unanswered questions is what
drove Hodger to hide within Squaddlewog in the first place.

Squaddlewog was the biggest city on
the East side of the Giant River. Where it was built must have been an
afterthought of the forefathers, as the ground was harder than stone and made
it very difficult to dig into. And, as it is read often in the history of
Squaddlewog, that the architect who wanted to build the homes was outvoted, and
a law was passed that each citizen of Squaddlewog would need to build their
own. The first, built a simple home, and relaxed. The second, built his wide,
and then promptly made a fire with the remainder of his building material. The
architect, not wanting to be outdone, attempted to build a basement got heat
exhaustion, and died. Teaching Architecture became a crime after that. After
all, telling someone to murder themselves ought to be a crime.

The law of the forefathers caused
many beautiful and strange tourist spots within the city. The local watch maker
had built his shop so high that it became the town clock. One side of the tower
slumped, causing the minute hand of the clock to go slower between 7 and 9,
making those hours seventy-two minutes long each. However between the hours of
1 and 3, the hand would randomly stop and click forward after forty-two minutes
had passed, and people thought that was close enough. The watch maker had a
difficult time making wrist watches that clicked in such a way to follow the
town’s time and he eventually closed his shop beneath the clock tower.

The rest of the town was built the
same way. As more people moved to Squaddlewog, land was scarce among the
downtown district, so people built their own homes and built upward to have
more space. Most people’s living rooms were in their attic, basement on the
second floor, and each home had two to three levels worth of kitchen, depending
on how high they had built.

The city was full of all kinds of
people of races, shapes and colors. The streets were full of Men and Elf
through the day, and at night the streets were littered with Dwarf and Fairy.
There were a mix of other less friendly races throughout the city as well, but
through the years they tamed themselves into agreeing their bark (sometimes
literally) was more menacing than their bite. After all, how scary is a Zombie
if you think it is just another person handing you a flier?

Hodger adjusted his personal bag
and stepped into the bustling Dwarf booths of Squaddlewog Street and was
promptly ignored. He made his way through the market stalls, not paying much
mind to anything around him, looking for the sign that was always in a big
city. When he finally got to the crossroad of Squaddwog and Fergal, he found
the sign he was searching for, ‘All you can eat breakfast’. The Gnome quickly
stepped inside.

A wave of delicious smells hit the
Gnome’s small nose, though it was an unnaturally large for a Gnome his size. He
shivered and stood on his tip toes again, slowly walking toward the dining
area. He stopped following his nose as
his eyes quickly focused on something more peculiar. A large rabbit sat at the
front desk filing paperwork. She wore an apron and a little hat between her
long ears that stood straight up. He walked up to the front desk and was
ignored. He liked this place already. He stood there for some time to see if
anyone would give him any attention, but it wasn’t until he rang the bell did
the clerk even notice he had walked in. The rabbit looked around and then
peered over the desk to see Hodger counting his change.

The rabbit tilted her head and
examined him for a moment. She sniffed the air and then leaned forward closer
and sniffed again.

“You a dwarf, or something else?”

Hodger adjusted his hat, “Gnome.”
He said. His voice cracked.

The rabbit stared for a bit longer
then shrugged. She prepped a room key as he placed a few copper pieces on the
desk. She handed the key to the Gnome and motioned for him to go upstairs. He
was about to comply when a young purple girl ran buy him, carrying several mugs
and something sizzling. He wiped his mouth clean again.

“A-A-All you can eat breakfast?” He
asked to no one in particular.

“Dwarf breakfast only has an hour
left. Follow Lucille.” The rabbit said to him.

Hodger hopped before walking
briskly into the dining room.

The dining room was large and was
lined with benches and tables. A large stone fireplace separated the kitchen
and cooks from the dining hall. There was a small hallway on the far end that
lead into the kitchen, and Hodger groaned as he watched the girl Lucille
disappear into the door. The rest of the room had a few guests spread among the
tables including several dwarfs, a cat, a large rooster with a stringed
instrument, and a chicken who was picking at a book.

Hodger decided to sit near the
chicken. It was close to the fire where he could be alone and warm his body up
after numerous nights of walking. He leaned his staff against the table,
putting himself between his candlewax staff and the fire to prevent any
unnecessary melting. He looked around the room, everyone happily ignoring him,
and the girl with the tray of goodies had yet to return.

He quietly kicked off each boot one
at a time, stretching his toes against the cold stone floor. As he looked down
to move his boots next to his staff, two lights shined down onto his feet.
Hodger looked toward the light and saw two large yellow eyes look at him and
blink. He panicked and lifted his arms as he yelped and fell backward.

Lucille grabbed him by the collar
and sat him back up.

“You’re not supposed to take off
your shoes, mister.” She said. Her eyes looking down at her pad of paper. The
paper lit up with her gaze.

“I-I I am so sorry, I’ll put them
back on.”

She lifted a pen to her mouth and
chewed on it, “It’s not a rule, per se, but this floor only gets cleaned once a
week. Keep’em off if you want, but don’t say I didn’t warn ya. Now what do ya
want to eat?”

Hodger took a breath and then
turned to the bright eyed girl, “Whatever you had on that tray would be nice.
And a couple of those mugs you had as well.”

“That’s some sizzling raccoon and
some Murky Water. Be right back!”

She closed her eyes and smiled.
Hodger couldn’t help but notice her fangs before she turned and bounced away.
It was then he realized what she had said, he turned in his seat to correct his
order.

“Don’t worry about it.” A voice
said behind him.

Hodger turned, but didn’t see
anyone paying him any attention. He went to turn back around when the voice
spoke to him again.

“Murky Water is just an ale,” the
accented voice spoke again, “It’s just a rather unfortunate name.”

Hodger looked again, above and
below the table, but couldn’t see anyone.

“My, my, you are a dolt.”

Hodger looked at the chicken, and
noticed the chicken turn the page of the book.

“What… What are you doing?”

The chicken didn’t look up from the
book but it replied, “I am reading. What does it look like I’m doing?”

The chicken looked up from the
book, “That’s a bit rude, isn’t it? Asking ‘What are you?’ as if you can’t tell
that I am damn well indeed a chicken.”

“But you sound like a –” Hodger
said.

Lucille walked through the kitchen
door again, the sound of the sizzling made Hodger forget his question of
unnecessary details and focused on his food. She set two mugs down first, then
the plate of the sizzling meat mixed with a variety of colored vegetables.

Hodger took the mug and started
chugging, only getting a small taste light ale poured into his system. He
immediately felt a light buzz as he looked down to his food. He grabbed his
fork and took a big piece and bit into it.

“I’d be careful,” said Lucille.

Hodger chewed his food and watched
Lucille sit across from him. She grabbed the second mug and took a sip before
placing it in front of her.

“The sizzling raccoon is spicy.”
She finished, taking another drink.

The gnome started to feel the heat
of the food as he swallowed his bite. He looked at his empty mug he had just
chugged and then over to the second one, which Lucille has now claimed for
herself. He hadn’t expected to be sharing. He stuffed a few vegetables in his
mouth and chewed. After sweat had appeared on Hodger’s face, she poured some of
her ale into his mug, which he drank immediately.

“So what are ya?” She asked after
his second bite.

“Excuse me? Hodger said. He
squinted as the light of her eyes roamed around him.

“I asked, what are ya? You a Dwarf?
You don’t quite look like a Dwarf.” She said, her eyes squinting at him, “You
don’t quite look like anything I seen ‘fore.”

Hodger looked over at the chicken,
“My friend here thinks it’s rude to ask what you are. Don’t you chicken?”

The chicken said nothing, but
Hodger could almost see a smirk within the beak.

“Since when has talking been
magical?” Lucille asked, “Seems to me that is just something people do.”

“But I’m a chicken. Normal chickens can’t learn to talk.”

“Now that’s just a rude thing to
say about chickens. I’m sure they all could if they tried.”

The chicken rolled his eyes, “Just
like this ‘Gnome’ can learn magic?”

Lucille nodded, failing to hear the
sarcasm.

Hodger finished his meal and
quickly stood, excusing himself and grabbing his room key from his pocket. Just
as he was about to exit the dining hall, Lucille grabbed his sleeve and turned
him around, putting the chicken in his arms, “Don’t forget your studios
chicken, what would you do without him?”

She smiled again, unintentionally
revealing her fangs. Those, with her bright yellow eyes, caused a shiver of
fear to go through Hodger, “Th-th-thanks, but…”

The chicken plucked the key from
Hodger’s hand and walked toward the stairs, “Room 27.”

Hodger turned back to the smiling
Lucille and gave a nervous smile back before following his new roommate up the
stairs.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

In case you haven't seen the newest Star Wars movie (The Force Awakens [TFA] ) and also didn't read my title, this entire post is about the NEW STAR WARS MOVIE.

THIS COMES WITH STAR WARS SPOILERS
With my own entertaining thoughts.To get a few things out of the way that a lot of people have been saying that I've heard:-Queen Leia should have cried with Chewbacca.-Kylo Ren is a bit of a baby-It is very similar to a New Hope.OK

So I enjoyed the movie. Not as much as some, but it was a good film and lives up to the original three in my personal opinion. I have minor complaints that I haven't seen anyone yet address, and then I have a couple of my own theories that I haven't heard from any of the podcasts I listen to.My first and foremost major annoyance to me is the lack of different ships in the film. In A New Hope, Empire, and Return of the Jedi, they had several ships within the rebellion. They had the A-Wing, B-Wing, X-Wing, and Y-Wing. All were fighters except for the Y-Wing, which is a Bomber fighter. On the Empire side, you had the TIE Fighter, Bomber, and Interceptor.

In this new film, they seemed to strip away the extra fighters for just the basics - X-Wing vs TIE Fighter, which is a little boring to me. In the film, they talked about the "bombing runs" they needed to do on the Starkiller base, why wouldn't you use your BOMBING Fighter? Bah.Second and final real annoyance, from a filming perspective, is that Kylo Ren takes off his mask at the wrong time. He should not have taken it off when seeing Rey for the first time. I understand that they needed his expression so people could speculate whether or not he knew her, but that could have been done with dialogue. Him repeating her name or asking her questions, or hell, just admitting that he once knew someone named Rey... I mean, up until he takes it off, we assume he's mangled or scarred in some sort of fashion. But if the first time he takes off his mask when he sees Han Solo, you would have gotten a shock factor that he is normal. It would have greatly shown that all of his anguish is internal and not external (which is where a lot of the dark side of the force gets represented,) And I think it would have better shown that he can be pulled from the darkness. Which is where my theories are gonna come in.Side note - I listened to someone's podcast and they mentioned it could have been better if they just crippled the Starkiller base, and not destroyed it. I dunno how well that would have worked through the rest of the films, but it is very difficult to see how they can come up with another villain base to blow up.

THEORY 1) Kylo Ren is going to be pulled from the dark side. He just is. 4-6 is all about the temptations of the dark side, 1-3 is about someone falling into the dark side, and 7-9 is going to be a redemption from dark to light. There is so much talk about the light side of the force in TFA that I almost got annoyed. The mission for Han when going to Starkiller was to bring Kylo Ren home, not to kill him. Kylo dying means Han Solo's last mission fails. The real villain is going to be Snoke. This parallels Darth Vader's journey as well, only I think Kylo Ren will be on the "Light Side" before the end of VIII, my theory is, is that he will watch his mother die by the hands of Snoke, and instead of shrinking into darkness, he is going to attempt to rescue her and pull away.

THEORY 2) FINN is force sensitive and will be a Jedi. The movie is named The Force Awakening. It is implied it is all over the galaxy. Finn will be trained as well, either by the hands of Rey, or someone else.

THEORY 3) Maz Kanata was a Jedi, or an apprentice of Luke's at one point. There are a few loosely mentioned facts around this theory. 1- She has been around for thousands of years, ya know during the Jedi hype days. 2- She knows Luke or of in some sort of fashion, after having his good ol' lightsaber handy. (This one is the Blue one Luke ended up losing, so I don't know if she knows him personally.) 3- She is clearly knowledgeable within the force itself talking to Finn the way she did. And 4- She has kept her place running for thousands of years with herself in charge... Jedi mind tricks could make that possible. It is a HUGE stretch that she is actually a Jedi, but she would be a great Yoda-Like character for Finn to train with while Rey is with her new Obi-wan (Her first Obi-wan being Han.)

I think that's about all I have. To be perfectly honest, I probably have more, but it is now time for me to leave work and start my weekend.
I hope you enjoyed this thrilling endeavor through StarWars vomit, but I hope mine was a slightly different color.