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Journal News columnist

They would only repeat stupid stuff they heard on television. Repetitive stuff like commercials and weather and traffic reports.

For no good reason, my dog, Amy, might indiscriminately shout, "Oh boy, there's a 15-minute backup on the Tap...Look out!" Or she might gab on about "precip" and "thunder boomers!" in between asking the eternal Capitol One question, "What's in your wallet?"

Mimicking the laugh track from re-runs of "That 70's Show" and her other favorite sitcoms, she would laugh at everything I say — even when I'm being serious: "Hey, where did that spot on the rug come from?" Haw, haw, haw.

There would be no end to it.

I believe this to be true because my dog watches a great deal of television in between sleeping and eating.

Like me, she has watched most of the zany Republican debates and pre-primary coverage. You can easily imagine the things she'd be jabbering ad nauseum if she could talk.

Over and over again, she'd say, "Yeah, the first thing I'll do in office is repeal Obamacare" and "They shouldn't occupy Wall Street, they should occupy the White House" and "Oops."

Haw, haw, haw.

She'd go on and on about getting rid of the EPA, cutting federal spending, the importance of jobs, jobs, jobs and the 9-9-9 plan.

Early on, Herman Cain got Amy's attention with his flat tax idea.

Unfortunately, she heard it as the K-9-9 plan and lost interest when she found out it had nothing to do with policies that are important to her such as the establishment of senior dog crossings at busy intersections and unfettered access to leftover turkey guts.

But she was on the Cain Train anyway, if only for the fact that he was a purveyor of plain cheese pizza.

I honestly don't know Amy's political affiliation. I can only guess who she'd support if she were a Republican.

Cain is out now, of course.

Too bad Wolf Blitzer isn't running. Great name, Wolf. Or is it Woof?

One thing I can tell you is that Amy could never support Mitt Romney, a Dalmatian who changes his spots. "Flip, flop" she'd chant like some kind of know-it-all.

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Besides, it's been often pointed out that Romney once put his dog on the roof of the family car during a vacation trip to Canada.

No dog could ever trust Mitt Romney.

Amy might have been an early supporter of Donald Trump but all that talk about birth certificates was a turn off for an adopted lab mix without "papers." On the other hand there was something magically exciting about Trump's hair — it looked like a squirrel toy.

Newt Gingrich? Well, he does resemble a cross between the Stay Puft Marshmallow man and a fat, happy baby. And Amy loves babies — and marshmallows.

Maybe Gingrich should start wearing a sailor hat. That just might tip the scale for Amy.

Ron Paul is also intriguing. He's a libertarian. And all dogs are libertarian. If it were up to dogs, there would be no leash laws or municipal dog licensing systems.

Amy appears to be additionally attracted to Ron Paul because he is a boney old guy. She'd like to gnaw on his arm, but not in a mean way. Just in a sloppy, gummy sort of way.

At this point I should mention that I have two cats, too. They are very smart animals, who I suspect have managed to fool the Board of Elections into thinking that they are actual human beings.

I further suspect that one of them has developed an evil habit of calling up PBS during fundraising drives and pledging thousands of dollars in Amy's name. This has resulted in many unnecessary headaches for me and an inordinate number of tote bags for the dog.

Anyway, the cats support Michele Bachmann. Please don't ask me why.

Truth be told, I think Amy is leaning toward Rick Perry.

I'll bet all dogs would like Rick Perry if they met him. And I bet he's a dog lover as well. After all, he likes to hunt, doesn't he? (In her salad days, Amy would've been a hunting aficionado for sure.)

Perry has a hard time talking in an intelligent way, but that's more than OK. It's actually a point in his favor.