CAP 2 Pre-evo - Part 8 - Dex entry submissions

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I said earlier that I was considering this. I have decided to save the sprite poll for last and move to the dex entry submissions. Good luck!

Dex entries must be submitted as a final submission to be considered for the final poll. Bold the words 'Final Submission' in your post for it to be considered as such.

You may ask for advice, but bumping of any kind is disallowed. If people don't comment on your dex entry, let that be your feedback. You can revise it and repost it, but don't ask countless times for feedback.

Dex entries are typically 1 to 3 concise sentences.

Black and White does not list other Pokemon in dex entries in all capital letters. The Pokemon itself is referred to as 'it' or 'its' in the dex entries.

Keep entries in good taste. If it happens on Animal Planet or in National Geographic, it's fair game, but gratuitously violent or excessively disgusting entries will be infracted and deleted.

Do not post "Cool!" or "I like this one!" without additional comments. Substantiate your posts. Your post will be infracted and deleted if you do this. Make sure that you provide support and provide comments when you say stuff like this.

You may only submit one final submission. If you want to change your final submission before the deadline, that's fine, but do not repost it. Edit your original final submission.

You must provide both a Black and a White dex entry in your submission. Both are necessary for your final submission to count.

Asylum_Rhapsody

Guest

Black: Because they grow wild in graveyards, they were once thought to feed on the spirits of the dead.

White: Mysterious bushes full of these Pokemon are often found growing where powerful Pokemon have died.

EDIT: The species name has been pretty hard. I'm debating right now between Blackberry and Raspberry. I like Blackberry because it sounds a bit darker, but the Pokemon is white. Its red eyes makes Raspberry more appropriate visually, but it sounds a bit more silly. I'm going to go with Blackberry for now unless I get more feedback. It can still be easily justified color-wise because the Pokemon does have a clearly black underbelly, with the white portion looking like petals or a shell around it... Actually, I almost want to go with Boo Berry.

Black: Necturine often attach themselves to trees and drain the nutrients. This sometimes causes other Pokémon to mistake them for berries.

White: The white shell of a Necturine is very hard, making it difficult for predators to attack. However, in the springtime, Necturine will open up the shell to absorb sunlight, making it easier prey.

Overly Long Justification below...
I tried to make the Black dex entry reference the more ghostly aspect of the design by draining the nutrients it seems pretty ghastly and thus ghost type. (Also I can just imagine Necturine using Giga Drain on a tree!)

The white dex entry, I made more grass type like, making the main aspects about it being very seed like in design, also I made it reference my species name because some flowers and trees have the ability to open the buds on sunny days.

In both entries I tried to make the design the main part. Looking at Mox-Quitoxe's comic strip, Necturine appears to be able to attach and detach itself from trees, which my Black entry shows. Also the main design looks much like a seed of berry, which my white and black entries are trying to show.

In my species name, the budding Pokemon, I tried to show that Necturine still needs to grow, which budding basically means. Budding also happens to be very grass type-y because of trees and flowers.

Black: Necturine attach themselves to trees. They defend the trees in exchange for nutrients.

White: Graveyards are often built around trees covered with Necturine. It was believed that they guided spirits to the afterlife.

Feedback for this is much appreciated.

Feedback for others:

MikaDo: In your White entry, replace "find" with "found", and write "...at the full moon". Good stuff, though.

Mari: As stated in the original post, BW doesn't use all caps.

AsylumRhapsody: Interesting concept.

SubwayJ: Creative, but you need a lot of grammar corrections in your White entry. Change "...hard. Making..." to "...hard, making..." Also, your second sentence is unclear.

Darkhuaza517: That Black entry is morbid.

phoopes: I like it a lot. My advice is to stick with "clinging to," as "weeping near" seems strange.
Deck Knight: I'm pretty sure "siphon" is spelled with an "i". I like your Black entry.

srk1214: Awesome White entry.
Asbestospoison: You shouldn't capitalize the word "cultures." In addition, using Necturine's name twice in the White entry feels awkward. I recommend that you use a pronoun the second time. Still, the concpet for this one is great.

Asylum_Rhapsody

Guest

@phoopes: I really like the feel that you're going for, with the Pokemon gathering where life has been lost rather than itself being malicious. It's what I was going with for mine too. I think that you're first one sounds better as it is with "clinging to", because "weeping near" sounds a little bit too human to me, like I don't expect this Pokemon to weep in a way that humans would understand as weeping. One think that I would change in the second entry to make it flow better grammatically, though, would be to remove the word "there" and to remove the second comma.

@Deck Knight: The first entry is sort of confusing. I was scratching my head for a little while trying to figure out what it was gripping to begin with and what the had to do with the first sentence. It was only afterward that I realized that you meant for them to be holding onto a plant or bush and that their their shaking while hanging there might make them fall. Could there be a way to clear this up? Because, from the art, it's easy to just look at it as a solitary Pokemon not necessarily attached to a plant.

@Kaprikorn: The first entry seems pretty simple, almost too realistic, like we're thinking of them as animals, but I actually really like the second entry, because it adds in that mysterious element that I kind of expect for a Pokemon like this.
Also, thanks for the feedback! ^_^

I wanted a coherent and simple flavour for this. I was thinking about fruit and death, and decided Necturine would suit being a spooky moonlight gardener of sorts. I think the idea of it mourning over rotting fruit is equal parts creepy, adorable, and hilarious. I like the idea of them gathering in orchards, or even growing entire orchards of Liechi berries by themselves. Nectarines are sweet bright summery stone-fruit - the antithesis of creepy - and I think tying Necturine to the lifecycle of any fruit - sowing them, reaping them and mourning them - helps combat that clash a *little* bit. At first I was trying creepier stuff, but for me that just made the conflict between the concept and the name even sharper.

Finally: I'm totally a trainer who used to forget about his berry trees all the damned time. So the White one speaks to that habit some of us have. :P

The Orchard Pokemon

Black: Necturine has a strange affinity with Liechi Berries. It will seek them out and plant them in the ground.

White: If a trainer leaves a berry tree untended for a long time, Necturine will gather and mourn the rotting fruit.

(Late. D: SubwayJ already used Budding; I planned on it for its dual meaning. Well, still gonna use it.)

Necturine, the Budding Pokemon

Black: These pokemon bunch together like berries to lure in prey. Every individual works together against a more powerful foe.

White: It lives on and feeds off dead trees. By doing so, this pokemon makes plants around it thrive.

Is the wording proper?

Comments:

MikaDo: The 'full moon' part is nice, even if it reminds me of the Clefairy line. That's something negligible--familiarity. Other than that, good entries, though not too outstanding.

Mari: Lowercase the pokemon names, and another pokemon shouldn't be mentioned unless the two pokemon are related somehow. For the White entry, if you could shorten its length and flip the sentences, I think that would make it stronger.

Asylum_Rhapsody: Black's is good, but White's makes me think that Necturine grows on bushes. It's just the wording of it that irks me. A minute adjustment?

SubwayJ: Good incorporation of the ghost-type part of it in the Black entry. White is a little long, but the differentiation of the plant aspect is good. Perhaps shorten it?

Darkhuaza517: Remember, no comma before a coordinating conjunction unless there's a compound sentence. White's entry is a bit odd in its principle. O.o

phoopes: 'Clinging to' sounds better, due to its less anthropomorphic shape. I like both of them; they oddly sound like altered versions of my entries. I don't know whether you or me thought of one first (I didn't check any entries up to this point), but they work well in coordination with Necturna's entries.

Deck Knight: The last part of the last sentence on the Black entry loses the flow. Maybe it's the 'anyone' which contradicts with the 'someone' in the previous sentence. White's... if there's a more concrete connection between the Necturines and new sprout, I think that'd be better.

srk1214: Names of places aren't expressed in pokedex entries, so be a little vaguer on that. :P And entries need a bit of variety, as both are about migration.

Asbestospoison: I like them both, though Black's entry is a bit long. :)

Kaprikorn: Black's entry is a bit too simple, I'd say. XD There's precedent for that, but that's just how it feels to me. White's entry: 'graveyards are', but 'it was'?

Gerard: Black's entry is quite long and a bit of a run-on. White is, too, though a bit less so. Black's needs a period and White's needs an apostrophe at 'Unovas'.

tea_and_blues: Comma after 'time' in the White entry. Not too sure about 'mourning' again, since it seems a bit personified for a little bud. But the thought of planting Leichi berries is amusing, yes. :P

Edit: One less 'of' for the White entry, as mentioned by tea_and_blues below.

@Quanyails - I realise you mean "lives on", but combined with "feeds off" that reads immediately like you are repeating yourself. I'd reshape that. "off of" is a bit strange there, just because "off" does the job just as well.

Edit: Cheers, you're right on the comma there. Done.

Asylum_Rhapsody

Guest

I changed my species name from Vigil to Blackberry. I know that it's not that similar to a blackberry, but it is a berry, and it does evoke darkness with being a ghost Pokemon, so I thought that would be more clever and less morbid.

@Quanyails: I like the first entry because it makes me think of them as cute little Piranhas! I have to agree with tea_and_blues, though, that wording of the second one sounds repetitive and awkward.
Also, I actually did intended to imply that Necturine grow on bushes. Is that bad? I mean, I know that in-game all Pokemon hatch from eggs, but Pokedex entries reference lots of behaviors and origins that are inconsistent with the game mechanics. For example, Banette's entries ignore Shuppet's existence entirely and state that Banette is simply a doll animated by cursed energy.
@SubwayJ, @Asbestospoison, @Deck Knight: After looking up some entries for other Pokemon, I think that going with an entry detailing how it attaches itself to other plants to feed on their nutrients is dangerously similar to Seedot. The two Pokemon do have many design similarities, but it should be easily enough to make Necturna more unique. Here are some of Seedot's entries for reference:
"Seedot attaches itself to a tree branch using the top of its head. It sucks moisture from the tree while hanging off the branch..."
"Seedot looks exactly like an acorn when it is dangling from a tree branch. It startles other Pokémon by suddenly moving..."
"It hangs off branches and absorbs nutrients. When it finishes eating, its body becomes so heavy that it drops to the ground with a thump."
"It attaches itself to a tree branch using the top of its head..."
"When it dangles from a tree branch, it looks just like an acorn. It enjoys scaring other Pokémon."

@MikaDo - I would cut out the "their" in your Black entry. Others have picked up on the other issues.@Mari - I'm pretty sure the plural of Combee is just Combee. You missed the formatting rule about not listing Pokemon in allcaps.@Asylum_Rhapsody - I think in every way "Raspberry" is more appropriate. Its eyes are red. "Rasping" is very ghostly. I like both your entries, short and sweet.@SubwayJ - There's a habit of weird passive tense in dex entry submissions, I think we need to avoid it. "causes them to be mistaken for berries" is a good example. Who is mistaking them? You need a subject in there, even if it's just "predators".@Darkhuaza517 - These are both adequate. I can't place my finger on why they don't really do it for me, but I like that they're simple. Ah. I see one issue. You've pluralised Necturine, but then used the pronoun "it". You need to change that to "them", or use the words "feigns" and "chows".@phoopes - The Black one just seems odd to me. I don't see loads of Necturine on a tree looking much like a funeral.@Deck Knight - These are both very good, although the Black one has a generic feel to it, but then many entries do once there are this many Pokemon around.@srk1214 - I've never really thought of it as having a "shell".

I'm kinda running out of time... ...I'll stop there, but I want to really stress in case this influences the slate that those I've left off are only due to time constraints, not quality.