Spoof news stories from Thursday 27 September 2012

The last Boy Scout
Ordinarily, being the strong, silent type of guy I am, I do not complain about my life. My life has its ups and downs, but the mountains aren't too tall-the valleys not too deep. I'm an Aquarius, a water sign. I have high tides; I have low tides. The human body is mostly made up of water; yet a walk through the ocean of my mind would scarcely get your feet wet.
I'm no...

Nazis are not Satan's children and certainly do not originate from the cauldrons of hell because after finding an original Nazi and examining it; there is proof that they come from outer-space and travelled on meteorites!
Originally the Nazi Bu...

I really want to know just what it is about men that women dislike so much?
I mean, why do you women bother with us men at all? We are no longer a biological necessity because you women conned men into tossing off in cups (HOW HARD WAS THAT?) in order to build huge genetic banks from which you may make withdrawals, so you women can pick and choose certain physical and mental traits for your...

Danton cupped a hand to his ear. "Hist" he said.
"What can you hear?" asked Lynton.
"A hiss" answered Danton.
"Where's it coming from?" enquired Colonel Erskin.
"That rucksack" said Danton, pointing to the green bundle on the floor.
Pinxit made a grab for the offending item and opened the flap, from inside, a tall figure emerged wearing a pork pie trilby, rain coat and wellington bo...

BILLINGSGATE POST - SPECIAL EDITION - Due to the number and content of the letters responding to yesterday's article titled "President Obama Diagnosed With Terminal Chicken Lips," BILLINGSGATE POST will dedicate today's article to publishing letters from irate readers and the responses to them:
Dear Dr. Billingsgate: Chicken lips, my ass! How can you insinuate that Barack has chicken lips?...

Houston, TX-- An exciting new scientific experiment is about to begin on Mars. The Curiosity Rover will be planting a garden of 144 marijuana seeds on the Red Planet later today. Space scientists are hoping to prove that marijuana plants can grow o...

Mitt Romney, the Republican candidate for president in the 2012 Presidential Election spoke with a frenzied crowd at a pep rally early Friday morning.
While speaking with his supporters, Romney attempted to pump up the crowd by explaining 2nd plac...

Heartbreaking news from Georgia today, as a local family of good Samaritans has turned to the community for assistance during trying times. The sadness felt within the Rothberg family was echoed throughout the area as neighbors and friends reached...

As another "Super" day of Presidential primaries comes and goes, the behemoth that is the Romney campaign continues to crush everything in it's path like Adele in line at Ponderosa.
With an increasing number of delegates finally admitting to thems...

London - Curators at London's Museum of Natural Hystery have unveiled a meteorite artefuct that once adorned the prow of a spacecraft flown to Earth by Nazi extraterrestrials.
The 24cm-long 10kg statue of 'Irony Man' warrior is carved from a rare...

Bill Belichick found he had the losing lottery ticket in his hip pocket. He also saw a follies display by the NFL refs not seen since Florenz Ziegfeld put on shows in the 1930s.
The NFL, apparently picking on losers this week, fined Mr. Belichick...

I just received a beautiful card from a lady here on my computer. It wished me to have a beautiful and rewarding day. What a wonderful gesture, and to receive it first thing in the morning with her heart-felt well-wishes for my day sent chills up and down my spine.
Just who are the people that make up these fairy-god-mother greeting cards AND, just what the fuck are they smoking? Can I get som...

CHICAGO - After three weeks of fans having to listen to team owners, coaches, players, cheerleaders, and even hot dog vendors whine like a bunch of day care kiddoes about the replacement referees, the 'real' zebras are returning to the gridiron.
N...

I had to work all day today and, aside from making some money that my spawn will end up spending, nothing good came of it, all that work I mean.
Does this happen to anybody else or am I alone in thinking that the people making money off of me owe me a little bit more than money?
It would be a welcome change if the woman who is my boss would give me a blow job along with my pay check. Sh...

Disney have been appointed by the UN to organise the End of the World Party on December twenty-first, when many crackpots and religious nutjobs believe that the world will end, because the Mayan calendar runs out.
"If the world is going to end," s...

TARBORO, North Carolina - Well the former good old boy Randy Travis is in trouble with the authorities once again.
It appears that the 53-year-old country music crooner has become the older male version of Lindsay "LiLo" Lohan.
Travis has alrea...

MUMBAI, India - The woman who was voted Miss World in 1994, and is still considered by many to be one of the most beautiful women on Earth has stated that she wholeheartedly supports President Obama.
Miss Rai spoke with India's Taj Mahal News Agen...

PHOENIX AZ (ABSNN) - a 26-year-old Phoenix woman will spend a year-and-a-half in jail and she'll have to pay back some $8,000 to Arizona neighbors who thought they were paying for a cancer victim's double mastectomy.
Instead, they "were paying f...