Known more commonly as The Daily Torygraph, the Telegraph is one of only two remaining British newspapers to publish in the broadsheet format. It has resisted the pressure from competitors to switch to the compact size, saying that it is integral to its political and social stance that the paper be twice the width of an average train seat. The Telegraph, along with the Daily Mail, Daily Express and Sun, forms part of the quartet of British conservative newspapers. However, it is for tories who are self-satisfied and smug, unlike the Mail which is for tories who hate themselves and the world, the Express which is for Tories who are mad, and the Sun which is for Tories who don't like to think of themselves as Tories.

Contents

Founding history

On the 28th of September, 1066 The Daily Torygraph was born in a shower of placenta, shit and unspeakable right-wing fury from the womb of Lady Black. Within ten minutes of its bloody birth, it put out the first edition with a 10,000 page article in which it criticised the government for "letting all these damned immigrants into our country." Nobody thought to point out that this might have been because the French were invading. It then spent the next 200 years complaining about how the dirty immigrants were ruining the country and controlling the government. After the 200 year period, someone got pissed off and shot the entire editing board and the owner. Nobody cared, although this may have been because nobody read it and it had been shoved up some peasant's arse called Sir Geoffery Hugh Wittingstall of No 1 Kensington Gore. All 900,000 copies. And a couple of cigarettes. And a copy of Mein Kampf. Oh and some person who did was so such an anal retentive that he started doing some anal gazing. Did so much that he shot up his own arse.

The birth of Modern Torygraph

Eventually Sir Geoffery had to take a shit and the modern Torygraph was born, and it immediately started World War One by giving an interview to KAISER WILHELM DIE SECONDEN which severely damaged Telegraph-Das Bild relations which lead to an all out war between the two papers which eventually culiminated in Anglo-German war. By this time of course the Torygraph had been bought out by a man with such a long name that it had over fifty parts, two post (ZIP for all you Yanks) codes and a parlimentry constituency. By the end of the war it had changed hands again, but this time to someone with a damn silly name which looks like "Lord Peacock St.Bottom OBE, CBE, KPD, XPD, UVD, BluRay Disc, HD-DVD, SED, LCD, UMD, PS3, XBOX 360, NBA, NFL, QRSTUVWXYZ, Oscar Wilde's bastard love child and supreme commander of the order of the British shafting legion." The Torygraph spent the entirety of the Great War in a druknen stupour and in bed with some funny bloke it had met round at the pub last night after two shandies and a beer. This person later gave evidence to the Torygraph which led it to discover Oscar Wilde in a giant sex orgy with several moist, nubile young men behind its house-cum-office-cum-dustbin. None of which were Emos. The Daily Torygraph was instantly scarred by this delightful and slightly arousing sight and led it to pursue Oscar Wilde. Regrettably it was not for passionate man love, but to sue him for "committing gross acts of indecency with moist, nubile young men behind the Torygraph officers, oh god how I wanted to be there." as the judge at the trial put it.

After the war was over and Oscar Wilde had been duly shafted by some moist nubile young men, it discovered that there was in fact a big thing which had happened over the past 4 years. The only actual mention it gave to WWI was in the theatrical review section where it listed it as a "Joint crown princes of Europe Production" and gave it a 4/5 rating. During the inter-Wilde years it sat around listening to upper class twits whinge about the decline of society and lack of passionate, wild(e) love while slowly toasting crumpets between the arse cheeks of some young public school boys. They then made love to the crumpets. Using such sexual implements as whips, chains and butter

Then came the second war with Wilde, coincidentally at the same time WWII happened. Instead of covering the war, it instead was too busy grappling with its own sexuality and whether to join in on the rampant bum fun that Oscar was having or whether to fly off the handle with insanity and rush in beating everyone who was engaging in the homosexual acts with a very large stick. During 1945, it eventually flew off the handle and went in with a large stick, but rather than beating everyone it keeled over in shock as it saw its old friend The Guardian shagging Wilde. Wilde then made some witty, dry and amusing comments before being trapped by a bunch of psychos from Uncyclopedia so he could write quotes for them and pass it off as comedy.

The Daily Torygraph today

Is non-existent, as it keeled over for so long that someone picked it up and shoved it straight back up Sir Geoffery Hugh Wittingstall of No 1 Kensington Gore's arse. Each day dedicated paper boys carry 900,000 copies of the day's edition to Sir Geoffery's now colossal rectum and dump them in, just so that we don't have to look at the atrocious shit garnishing the paper's front page (usually some 18 year old girls with large breasts jumping up in the air with some rubbish A-level results flapping about). Did I mention that the paper boys have to be replaced each day because the ones who dumped yesterday's paper in have all got such bad hernias that there brains fall out every time they bend over. Either that or Oscar Wilde shafts them from behind.

Political stance

The Telegraph has, since its inception, operated under a right-wing political ideal- in as much as being right-wing constitutes basing a person's value on how much their property is worth- and has classically held six principles to be essential to its operation:

This caused much offence, although not mostly with EU supporters but instead with members of UKIP itself, who stood up for their party, claiming that they were about as anti-european as it was possible to be, this being a matter of some pride for them. A retraction was eventually printed stating that yes, UKIP probably was sufficiently narrow-minded to provide an acceptable alternative to voting conservative.

However, this still ultimately led to questions being posed to the editor, Lord Nathaniel Chumwater, about the paper's position with regard to racial prejudice, especially given its general view on immigration in, for example, this report from Brussels on the addition of new member states to the EU, part of the paper's famous series of articles, "101 Reasons you should stay at home with the doors locked and the police on speed dial":

"Standing outside the Council Building I can see the representatives from the newly-joined nations, with their bushy beards and swarthy faces, secreting their long curved swords in their turbans and plotting over how to destabilise our economy by flooding Britain with non-working immigrants claiming benefits. When one tried to sell me a fake watch I beat him with my walking stick. I didn't feel I had any choice."

However, these allegations were brushed off with a piece of faultless logic- Lord Chumwater reasoned that, in a nation where 90% of people are white, it is an economic impossibility to avoid catering to the obviously prevalent feeling that anyone who looks a little different is, while not any better or worse than us, just a little bit untrustworthy.

The editor cemented his defence in a famous speech to members of the press:

"I have no problem with wo-... er, with black people, or with towe- damn I mean, with muslims, or anything like that- in fact I think one of my kitchen staff may even be of a different nationality. What I'm saying though is that it's narrow minded of us to support ethnic diversity just within Britain. It makes far more sense to support it on a global scale, ensuring that other countries can be diverse as well: and the best way to do that is to stop all these diverse people from coming over here and taking our jobs."

As such, the only definitive political alignment of the Telegraph is with the conservative party

Views on contentious political issues

Princess Diana

A typical front page.

While in herself not really contentious, hardly political, and even less an issue, the Telegraph has tried its utmost to make her all these things.

A study conducted in 2005 found that in the 8 years since her death more than 80% of Telegraph front pages had included a picture of the late princess (although it should be noted that some proportion of this was illustrating advertisements for Diana-related commemorative plates, posters, stickers, tea-sets, magazines and blow-up dolls).

The Iraq War

Notable related headlines:

WE OPPOSED IRAQ WAR FROM THE BEGINNING. ON AN UNRELATED NOTE, ALL BACK ISSUES OF THE TELEGRAPH FROM 2003 HAVE BEEN LOST IN A MYSTERIOUS FIRE.

The official Telegraph line on war is that it's usually a bad thing because British people can die. That's about it really.

The Right to Defend One's Estate Home

It has been a long-held and staunchly defended value of the paper that it is an inherent right of any home owner (whose house is worth over £150k, obviously; otherwise it doesn't count as a house and they barely count as people) that they be free to defend their property with lethal force on the basis of reasonable suspicion that there is an intruder who intends to do equal or worse damage. At whom the lethal force is directed is immaterial, with small children being acceptable collateral damage, and "reasonable suspicion" can be based on, say, the sound made by a small child getting up in the night to get a glass of water. Remember: children can be replaced, but the rights of a protestant Englishman to defend his Property, once lost, may be gone forever.

Fox-hunting

Notable related headlines:

EXPLOSION IN FOX NUMBERS THREATENS ALL LIFE ON EARTH: MUST BE STOPPED BY QUICKLY CULLING FOXES AS CRUELLY AS POSSIBLE (BASTARDS...)

-Supports fox hunting but only because lowering fox numbers is a necessity, and as such you might as well enjoy doing it. Additionally, the Royal Family are known to enjoy it and the Telegraph position is that they should be able to do as they please as they used to before all this "Bill of Rights" nonsense.

Thatcherism

Can you feel the raw, smouldering sexual heat?

Baroness Thatcher has remained a political idol of the Telegraph even after she had restraining orders put on several of its reporters for stalking her- she noted that it would have been understandable in press members usually, were it not fo the indecent propositions (and exposure) associated with their harassment. This didn't stop them from printing articles with sections such as this one:

"I remember the first time I witnessed the majesty of Baroness Thatcher- of course, she was just Lady Thatcher in those days, but she still carried with her the same sense of firm and sensuous authority that she did through her term, and still does now. I remember looking across at her and my heart palpitating wildly; the aura of power and grace emanating from her filled the room, and, I freely admit, I found myself thoroughly aroused by the elegant swells and curves of the folds of skin on her neck. As she opened her mouth I was ravished by her perfect words, and I felt my soul pulsing in harmony with hers, screaming out "Yes! Yes! The Soviet rule is as corrupt as you say, oh, take me now Margaret!" "

Cameronism

The Telegraph remains conflicted over David Cameron. On one hand, he understands the importance of spending treasury money on the Royal Family rather than the undeserving poor and the importance of looking after ones friends by, say, allowing their company to take-over the running of a state monopoly in perpetuity. On the other hand, he has some damned leftie ideas about gays and for some reason thinks those dreadful arabs can be trusted to run their own affairs in Libya and Syria, despite lacking a cultural and racial inheritance of the ideas of property and Christianity as is necessary for free peoples. Even worse than that, he believes in Global Warming! Is he really a Conservative? He seems awfully friendly to that Clegg character and he's been beastly about UKIP and their sound, commonsense conservative doctrine.

The Economy

The Daily Telegraph believes very strongly in the values of the Free Market. It's not entirely sure what these are but knows it has something to do with capitalism and keeps white Anglo-Saxons English-speaking people "of the proper breeding" rich. If it starts making darkies rich at our expense then the paper might have to find something else to agree with, but that's not going to happen is it because the whole thing is governed by God.

The Telegraph's position, therefore, is that the Free Market should determine how everything is run and funded. Except the Police. And the Army. And the Church. And the Queen (God Bless Her!). And the Opera. And Radio 4. Basically it should apply to things that don't matter because it's so efficient (er...).

The Monarchy

The Telegraph knows that the Royal Family are specially endowed by God to hold the ancient realm of Great Britain and Northern Ireland together and that any criticism of this ancient house, descended from Queen Boadicea and Merlin the Wizard, who have reigned over Great Britain and Northern Ireland for many thousands of years is tantamount to destroying the very foundations of the Kingdom itself.

The House of Lords

The Telegraph believes very strongly in retaining this most ancient House of Parliament and resists any attempts to "reform" it. Countless Telegraph editorials point out that the Upper House is staffed only with the most intelligent and wisest people in the Kingdom who are there to defend freedom itself. The fact that they are largely Tories is merely a happy co-incidence. It has been claimed that some of the Noble Lords have been there since the reign of George IV and that a few are possibly dead but that is seen by the Telegraph as "essential to healthy debate". The paper regards it as preposterous to argue that the Upper House ought to be elected since it was in fact elected by God Himself through special ancient bloodlines.

Society

The Telegraph, whilst believing in personal freedom for rich people who went to the right schools and can afford to pay-off all the girls they get pregnant, believes that wider society has fallen to permissiveness which causes loose sexuality, worship of Paganism and voting Labour. The Telegraph believes strongly in Traditional British Values which definitely go back hundreds of years and are not simply a construct of the Victorians who drew on an idealisation of military virtue, neo-Puritanism and imported Germanic values of industriousness and not wanking.

Freedom

The right for Anglo-Saxon blooded English-speaking people of good breeding to drive as fast as they like, kill foxes for sport, have a "little of what you fancy"[1], smoke cigars indoors in Mister Tony Blair's face, use their entrepreneurial spirit to build a business or acquire property from some foreigns who didn't really own it and even if they did didn't know its potential anyway and its mine now I've got the guns, and not allow women into their private clubs. It's definitely nothing to do with so-called gay-rights, so-called female emancipation, so-called ethnic minority so-called rights, or so-called abortion rights or so-called "freedom of movement". Those are the State forcing political-correctness on me and my poor victimised millionaire friends. Oh, and lets not forget our right to freedom from foreigns, and gays, and women being uppity and not staying in the kitchen where they belong and where my mother never complained. Those are freedoms too!

Immigration

Let's make this clear, the Telegraph is not racist in any way. It supports and encourages rich people who want to come to Britain and vote Conservative, even the dark ones (as long as they acknowledge that the Anglo-Saxon race English-speaking peoples are the only reason they are wealthy and as long as they sign a declaration to support England in the cricket and obey the will of the Queen and the Christian God). However, many people only want to come to Britain with little or no money, family background of money or racial background of economic freedom and those people should stay out. It's not racism - racism is for knuckle-dragging yobs who watch the soccer and don't drink wine - it's just understanding that people without the correct genetic and cultural make-up simply don't belong here and should, erm, "go home to where they belong" (but said politely, not like those gutteral yobs of the BNP!)

Leveson Inquiry

Any attempt to underpin with statute the rights of celebrities or civilians to stop the glorious British Press from going about their business - observing people discreetly for stories, camping outside celebrities homes pursuing the public interest, searching dilligently through things they didn't want anyway, exposing people to strong opinions on individuals in the public sphere, so-called "harassing" their children and family with innocent questions or causing the weak-willed lillys to hang themselves just because a journalist doing his job wanted to take some photos of them through the window of their home for a few years - is the slippery slope to Totalitarianism. Dictatorships are defined by things like all-powerful secret services in the employ of untouchably powerful men who order their slimy minions to spy on people, take photographs of them at home, go through their bins, lie about them and smear their name, and, in some horrific cases, hound them to their death! Do we really want to live in a world like that?

The European Union

The Telegraph believes very strongly in the concept of national sovereignty and the nation state. It is not for faraway cities, parliaments or courts to impose on free peoples. Any nationality worthy of the name will fight fiercely, proudly and endlessly for the right to control its own destiny! No! The Telegraph says away with you sinister European Union ("Union" as in SOVIET UNION or even trade union!) This is, truly, what true Conservatism is all about.

Scottish Independence

Was there anything more natural and normal than the glorious Union of the Kingdoms that created our beloved United Kingdom? Poor, childlike Scotland with its celtic peoples needs the wise guiding hand of Mother England to prevent her making foolish mistakes. The very notion of Scottish independence, lusted after by troll-like, Hitlerian Nationalists is the result of beastly separatism and a racist hatred of England. No! The Telegraph says away with you sinister Caledonian independence separation! This is, truly, what true Conservatism is all about.

The Future

Many fear that the Telegraph's "traditional values" (i.e. a belief in the moral acceptability of the slave trade and an unvoiced desire to re-instate it) may hold it back in a new century of changing social ideals- however its owners are more optimistic: they have voiced the opinion that whatever happens in global politics, no matter how enlightened our society becomes there will always be enough stupid, bigoted people in the world that a paper telling them that reductions in high-bracket taxes will benefit the working classes will remain viable.

What to do in the event of not liking this article

You could go read a "better" article. Like the one about Motorway service stations or perhaps your habit of being a motherfucker.