I am interested to know your thoughts on what is going on in this Mid Range Elite’s mind…

I was IPSS/ DLS for for nearly a year (he has been married 25 years). It is now coming up to a year of my escape and complete no contact (thanks to you I have resisted 19 benign hoovers).

I finished the relationship before knowing what he was as I felt something was “off”. His actions didn’t match his words and I didn’t trust him. Towards the end he had stopped texting/ calling as much, and kept standing me up at the last minute. Perhaps he was busy with a new source and also wanted to test my reaction, or maybe I was in devaluation.

He is Mid Range (Upper I think) so if he is unaware of what he is, then how does he explain to himself why I don’t respond at all to his various methods and have chosen to cut all ties?

I think of it differently. Its not complete. But whole. Not healed but whole as in it seems narcs show empaths all out broken and healed parts. Our own self propoganda and propoganda we tell others falls away. You feel it all. the needs, the loss, the brokenness, the emptiness, the food parts the healed parts, the joy. The person provides the fuel for you to see this all. And in some ways, the narc fuels the empath too, but differently. They go after it differently and it lights up different things in each other.

This is why it is soooo intense. We get locked together in an obsessive cycle. When you strip off the crazy, it’s empty. That’s their secret. They are empty and don’t want anyone to know. If they can keep you emotionally worked up then you breathe life into their empty space. Albeit primarily negative life.

ABB
I don’t know why, but your post just jiggled a really bizarre thought in me. It seems really far fetched. Could a narc mothet who did something deeply shameful, in front of her empathic child, elect to watch her child go down the wrong road and watch her spirit whither as she acted out the scaoegoated oain, as revenge?! Like take a pleasure in watching the empath violate her own integrity? You said something about this, about getting fuel from watchig the empath violate their own integrity and honesty. Would a narc mother do this to alleviate her unowned guilt and shame? Watch her empathic child implode to feel better about her unowned shame!!? HG?!

SB,
I believe that my Narc mother was fueled if I failed. I always outshone her. Alot of the time she would steer me towards something wrong. If I suffered consequences from a bad decision, she would then turn and say I told you that you shouldn’t have done that. I would then state facts as to why she encouraged it. She would deny, deflect, lie. Then blame me and this in turn made her feel superior. She wins either way. Since she is a lesser narc she can’t see why or that she does this. So I don’t engage her at all. No contact. She did it all for the fuel, construct, etc. Am I right HG?

I think this is hitting a sore place in me. I think there was this dynamic with me, but not my sister strangely. But that is likely because my sister is more like her and not an empath. My sister was always a bully so the mother probably always felt easier around her. And since she was the bully, she never got socially bullied. I was bullied at home and outside, for the mother to help me meant to engage and feel my experiences. That was the problem. She couldn’t. So if I failed, it only reinforced her superiority in a wierd way.

ABB they are not empty.
They are fuel junkies, this is no different then anyone else with an addiction. The do and say what they must to get the drug they have chosen.
Some have the awareness some do not, those that do have an advantage .
They are people who have so much, yet hide it under shame and guilt.

HG I mean no criticism to you in anyway with my comment Fuel junkies, you are an astonishing and courageous man for standing up and showing the world how and why you and those like you see and think.

Constant filling means there is an emptiness. Fuel is sought all day, every day. If that is not empty, I don’t know what is.
Hole is Built by shame and guilt in part, but the hole is still there and it creates an emptiness that has to be filled by fuel.

The very foundation of what they are is built on shame and guilt, to which fuel is used to keep these feeling away.
When a drug addiction happens it is usually started as a form of escape to which it feels wonderful and keeps what they don’t want to feel at bay. These people change as the addiction takes more of a hold onto them.
The only difference is one is an actual drug taken in where their is emotionally taken in.
Power is no different then the rush of someone taking a hit off of whatever their drug of choice is. The higher the tolerance the more needed.
Now we are all to our own opinion.
I see this as an addiction, people are not empty. Sadly they are hiding from the world.

I take it to mean when he says he does not possess certain feelings that they are nonexistent. If something doesn’t exist, it is empty space, a hole if you will. Addicted is being physically and mentally on a particular substance and unable to stop taking it without averse side effects. I think both are applicable. He has a hole he fills with fuel. If he stops filling he fears he will have withdraw, crumble. He won’t. He however refuses to stop his behavior.

I see it as a detachment from them, then he discovered control to which is now used to keep this detachment in tact. They exsisted once, it’s a matter of reconnecting and that is a choice only he can make. It is not an easy choice due to the need for them to see the gain. You have to override a survival instinct and the “need”for fuel, to which is the easy part (fuel), instinct not so easy.

I agree with that. I disassociated. I did have the feelings and they were dashed to pieces. I had to have an incentive to bring them back. I had to take in knowledge to identify correct emotions.Then put into practice and make the changes. HG has said on numerous occasions that he doesn’t have these certain emotions. I know I had them once only because I had to look hard at early childhood and different people who allowed those feelings to surface. If he believes he evolved and these emotions were stripped off to make him superior, then I would imagine that it would be more difficult to access the missing emotions.

ABB I mean no disrespect yet in my observation of people those that disengage and those that deattach chose very different paths, HG deattached to which he became this amazing creation, yes it is one of destruction and perfectly made to do this job, and bring this to light like none other. Those that disengage still can return to their empathy. It really all comes down to how we view our need to survive at a very young age.

I agree the process comes into play as a model of survival. Albeit a flawed vision of how to correct damage inflicted. I do not deny giving warning is an admirable attribute. I do deny abuse to be an amazing quality. I do believe that cutting out emotion does make survival easier. I myself just chose to become more compassionate, loving, kind and empathetic. If one wishes not to do this, it’s their pick. Long live the narcissist. Remember to eat and drink though, for tomorrow we die.

Twilight,
I know what that’s like. Flatlined. Numb. Nothing. I didn’t understand that I didn’t “feel”. I thought everyone was the same as me. It wasn’t until my friends started to tell me I had no feelings, heart, love that I realized I was different. Then I moved to being able to switch the feelings on and off. Then they were constantly on. Now they are pretty much under control. Happy being the forerunner. 😀

I understand this. I had alot of feelings as a child and then things grew and grew and I also flatlined. I broke down, started therapy. I had to crawl around inside of me to find the switch to turn it all back on. I did alot of drawing, writing, internal role playing and named my ‘states’ until I could find a oart of me that would act as a switch. I learned to control it. I lost complete control of it with this experience. I was all emotion and I could not find the switch anywhere. I was like my childhood all over. I thought I was past things so I didn’t even go inside to find the controler. I was just ‘on’.

I have control again more or less. It is bizarre that the narc was the one who kept telling me to get control of my emotions. Even though he was the cause of this explosion, he was the one to keep telling me to control myself, to watch myself, my mouth, and that was a bit how I got the clue that I was in a total empath runaway train mode. I always had this wierd reaction to him when he said that. I would hate him, get turned on by his words (text), panic, run, fight and hate that he was sort of right but I was angry because he had caused this separation in me. And though I did not know how when it was happening and I knew it was him, I see it all now and it was truly calculated.

So I went through both in my life: unsupported empath, then shut down and narc like dissociated traits took full control and I flatlined, and then back to total empath mode. Now I am in how to I train this empath in me? Cause I am raising one and I need to know. She cannot deny her being, so I have to help her. I think you know what I mean? You ‘sound’ so much like me…

Keep making adjustments Sara. The best thing to do is to stay positive. Narcissists want you in their pity party. The kid your raising will eventually grow up and move on so, you will be left with yourself. Work the best that you can with him. That’s all you can do is your best. And don’t be hard on yourself. He makes choices. He is his own person. All you can do is teach and direct him by your example. You aim the arrow, he has to hit the targets. I thought you were married. I think that if I am correct your husband and you should maintain a united front. It will be you and him after the kid leaves. Don’t let him be a wedge in your marriage.

I went through a time I thought I disconnected and was told if I ever did I would die. The more I think about it I don’t believe I did now. I was angry, I hated everyone I was still feeling just selective ones. Yet if I had continued down that path I shudder to even think of who I could be today.
Then my mentor came and helped me work through those and taught me to control myself, to seperate my emotions from others. They saw how I was connected to things, places, nature and people. It is intense especially when I take what is around me and make them mine. I feared disconnecting cause I believe I will die, now I believe it was meant to keep me from becoming like some family members. full of hate and anger.

Can’t have one with out the other just as you can’t have light with out dark.

The curse part as I see it is is to be aware and to experience what those around me are going through, there emotional out pour can at times be very painful and there is nothing I can do for them but be there.

Yes people want love and they push it away because all they have been shown is conditional love. Our beliefs, our hurts, shame and guilt can twist things up. The worst of all is the lie we tell ourselves.

Entertainment
The battle is always within. The lies we tell ourselves are more damaging then any lies others tell us. It’s a matter of acknowledging facing truth and not letting emotion overcome and push us farther into darkness.

The most deluded people are those who choose to ignore what they already know.

Everything we need to heal is within us, if we choose to run from self and seek external things to fix us we will remain broken. I have total belief in self and our ability to heal self and manage our thoughts. It’s hard in the beginning initially I discovered some many things I wasn’t able to face. My preference were to put them back in the basement and get to them later. It took days of crying, meditation, and forgiveness.
There days that I drift and wonder however, I remember I am responsible for my own life and no one is coming to rescue me. To be honest and truly forgive ourselves is truly challenging but can be obtained.

Entertainment
Have you heard the term understanding darkness to understand light?
I believe HG said you must know darkness to see light.
Yes we do chose to run from self, yet what about those that have the awareness of which path they have chosen?

The battle is always within. Truth sets one free, the lies one tells to themselves are the most damaging. One of the hardest things is for a person to be brutally honest with themselves accepting this and making adjustments to the decisions they make. We all make poor choices, some get stuck in this cycle and continue due to what they tell themselves which turns into a belief of how they must behave.

You are like only a pair of eyes watching the world. Everything goes through you, but there is no reaction. That is how it was for me. Everything shuttled off and never identified with any meaning or context or emotion. Things had no name. And when it all came back, I spent 2 days crying. None stop. Literally. Someone finally got me to stop or it would have gone on for an eternity. It was a big mistake that someone intervened. Then I started having out of body experiences…

I observe everything, filter it, separate, is it mine or is it someone else, when I was with him I didn’t have to. If there was a moment I can say he “loved” me it was in those moments. And I was free of the control.
I loved him deeply, he took me to the edge and gave me a choice stay in fear or jump. He pushed me off …….I learned many things in that moment

“became this amazing creature’
There is nothing amazing about it. The only amazing thing is his ability to articulate it. But look around this world. The truth is HG is only one of many.

What would truly be amazing is the day he stops himself. He is a grown man with insight so he is not a blind victim anymore. What will be amazing is the day he writes a post about the day he confesses to one of his victims. The day he goes back and makes amends to the people he gutted. The day he truly takes a genuine step to stop himself…. That will be amazing. In the meantime, he is making valuable contributions to the literature of narcissistic abuse.

Sarabella the past can not be changed, expecting anything is always the first step to disappointment.
What I do know is if he had not become what he is this insight would not be available.
He is being very true to who he is, and this is something I admire. I don’t have to agree with his methods of survival to do this or to see him as I do.
Change is happening and what he is doing is bringing it, if that isn’t amazing then what is?
If a day comes and he sees a gain to changing his paradigm, I will still accept and see him as amazing.

How do you know change is happening? With what are you gauging that? I read someone who is very insightful, is willing to share his insight AND who has said repeatedly he cannot, will not and is unable to change. While the past cannot be changed, wishful thinking cannot change the future, either.

Only the day when he describes with his razor sharp insight something he consciously chooses to do differently, whether he feels anything or not is truly irrelevant at this point, then will I believe there is change. At this point, all he seems to be accomplishing is describing in astounding detail, with much drama, too, mind you, who he is. Not how he is changing. Or did I miss that post?

But yes, his intelligence on shedding light on this labrynth will be a gift to the literature of narcissism. I just cannot and will not admire him or call it amazing. But I am an empath so I do admire the gift of art, writing, acting, music and in this, he excels. Absolutely.

Sarabella,
I could appreciate this comment if I didn’t witness with my own eyes your adoration towards H.G. on prior posts. Your stance is almost liken to a politician flowing with the wind left and right.

Additionally, I may be judging and if so I will apologize in advance.
You have mentioned how this person have used you for money, informed you that he’s not in a relationship with you and you continue involvement with him whenever him knowing he doesn’t give a damn about you. Knowledge learned but not applied is worthless. Again, you were scammed like most of us but I wished the ex narc would have said we weren’t an item up front. Now I am aware we weren’t nothing but something for them to toy with, entertainment. Love yourself first.

No, you are wrong. I do not adore HG. But if you want to keep assuming so, knock yourself out. Keep believing whatever you want. Yes, my narc, attempted to scam me. I got all the money back you know. He picked the wrong person and he was exposed to a half dozen mutual friends in the process. He will never ‘forgive me’.

I am fully aware I never meant a thing to the Narc but gee, if you only knew the full story, you would know why his first telling me we were real was the world to me. But no one means anything to him, really. So it was really not that personal to me in the end. A huge dissapointment, but he did to me is what he does and will do to everyone. He has gone through 3 people since then…

Let me explain my ‘tone’. I have been training myself to respond to pretty much everything on the internet in a very different way. What is the point in feeling anything, positive or negative for any of this stuff, for words written by people I don’t even know? Here, politics, anything? The internet is awash in extreme reactions and I have been looking for a space in myself to have a let live and move on type reaction to everything and everyone.

I feel nothing for HG. What you hear as adoration (I don’t adore people BTW, only my daughter) is simply me learning to find a neutral, pleasant voice online and to learn to manage my triggers better. I am tired of being jerked around by the great internet waves of emotion and manipulation. What point is there to feel anger or ‘love’ for texted words on a computer and a person you will never meet? none. And the fact that I did before, showed all my emotions, was what allowed the Narc to prey on me. If I am not learning, whatever is the point in being here?!?

So please stop assuming and projecting both about my story and what I feel. I had enough of that from the Narc. HG has given me some insight, thats all. And I will keep working on my indifference even if it sounds like a politician to you. Far better than what I used to do. I also learned this from the narc. putting my real feelings out there is partly what got me in to this mess. So no, you won’t hear them much, what I really feel, even as they still bleed through as I said, its something I am working on.

No contact truly works. We all deal with things differently in order to cope. From your posts appears that you know what they are and what the ending will be. Then you post that no contact was broken and you have the upper hand now.

You can’t win with an narc. It’s unfair to come here and criticize HG when you are still allowing the Narc to continue to manipulate you and use you as his dirty little secret.

The ‘formal’ ending was some time ago. When people say you can’t win with a narc, it’s such bad phrasing because you can win, when you work through everything and disengage. That is a win. But no, you can’t ever get them to change, see the light, become better people in ways we need, to understand what they have done, becoming loving and supportive.

But since when did you appoint your self playground police?! lol “It’s unfair….” lol I read many posts of people at various stages of learning, acceptance, and escape, people actively involved with Narcs and who are consulting with HG while in manipulative relationships with narcs….so … how about you back off me? The narc is not using me as his dirty little secret, I assure you. But he HAS in fact failed to find a role for me in his little harem and for that, he wants nothing to do with me. I will not accept but what I deserve from him and as it is not forthcoming, we completely parted ways at last. My healing has come near full circle, the supernova event has been complete. I hope he find some peace one day, maybe find some way to actually find companionship with someone for real (doubtful) and learn to love and accept love with honesty. This is how I have won… I have disengaged, and worked through things to the point that I do hope he finds truth, love, peace and contentment not just fleeting moments stolen from people to fuel him up. I don’t feel anger or bitterness anymore.

But please stop projecting so much Entertainment and coming to so many conclusions based on a few random posts here and there.

I also think that HG is well equipped to handle anyone’s criticisms (mine) without you appointing yourself as his little Lieutenant? I mean that’s kind of what you are doing, don’t you think? If HG had a problem with my posts or tone, he would not post them if he wanted. So let him take care of himself.

Also, Entertainment. .. the narc does want some sort of relationship with me. We had our last fight about it this weekend. He wants to call the shots about what we are to have been to each other … depending on his fuel levels. But you know what he can’t take? My infatuation. Actually caring for him. And yet he expects it of me. Just as I expected him to be as openly full of admiration for me as he is for his tertiary supply. And to be protected and cared for. I expect the same level of him caring for me… for that, he ran in rage. See? I do love myself more than people realize. I won’t settle for less than I deserve from him so in the end, we have no relationship. Thats that. I just had to go through the process of loving myself more.

I maintained contact because I started to ‘use’ the narc to work through some of my own issues. Its complicated, but I became conscious of what kept driving me back to the dynamic and I used it as an opportunity to heal some of my own deep wounds. I am rather grateful for the opportunity now.

Change happens all the time with knowledge change happens faster, it’s a matter of which direction it goes.
With knowledge comes power, with power comes responsibility. This is where ones choices really come into play.

I admire and think he is amazing for himself not for what he does. There is a difference.
I do not have to agree with his methods of survival to understand he truly believes this is how he needs to be to survive. In that sense I do not fault him, from my perspective of things it is very wrong.
In what way HG is changing only he can answer that, to assume he isn’t , is just that an assumption.

Honestly, I am not that interested in whether he changes or not, having useless debates about if he is capable or whatever is true or not true about what he did to survive or whatever he just needs to do to become a whole new HG. How and if he changes, only he is going to know. Since he is a narc, and narcs always lie, any public admission of change could be just one more con and one more game of giving people what they want to hear. The only people who will ever know or could testify to change are probably the people he tortures for fuel. Their testimony. Otherwise its just a waste of energy and time to even speculate if he is changing especially since he has said a number of times he can’t, doesn’t see a need, nor does he want to so the likelihood of change of any significance is pretty low. Even with motivation and the desire to change, its pretty hard for anyone to change habits, emotional patterns and more. But he has indeed given me insight and I appreciate him taking the time to answer some of my questions

HG
Is that something you would consider albeit the apology would be fake disclosure of your condition followed by an insincere apology may provide your victims with the closure they need. Or will doing so make you appear weak in your perspective. Will making amends to the ones you hurt make you feel powerless? Do you fear the criticism? Will you feel vulnerable?
A lesser at work told me how he leaves his women before they can repay him for all the shit he put them through. Of course, I laughed because I already had him pegged that was confirmation. Of course he always treat me with respect for now.

HG,
I guess I was having a senior moment. I forgot they were the ones who failed you. Made promises they weren’t able to live up too. They accepted all those great gifts, love, and adoration. Then failed you with their false expectations and inability to perform.

I wouldn’t go so far as “astonishing and courageous.” I wonder if there are better words to describe it that aren’t so triggering. courageous and what he has done, and will continue to do, don’t seem correct together. I am still having a hard time matching the human part still to them.

It is a cycle of a shame, game, fuel, denial, superiority… rinse and repeat to fill a bucket that is full of holes.

And what is under it all? Love. A child raised in an environment without love. A child abandoned on every level: mind, body, and soul. Love. The very thing that they deny and refuse exists is the very thing that was denied them and made them who they are now.

HG: “Why do I have to apologize?” sums up my point. There IS no change.

I think in many ways, narcs are empaths gone terribly wrong. If you can intellectually confirm you abuse people you can intellectually apologize. If you don’t feel the repercussions for your abuse, you don’t have to feel the feelings of remorse in an apology. You just have to DO it. And stop the abuse. Fake it until you make it. But there is no will to stop. I don’t admire murderers, so why would I admire a soul murderer? Makes no sense.

HG, I bet you do admire murderers. The only thing that stops you from that next step is the idea of prison and the idea of someone imposing anything on you. But I bet you admire the gall? I bet some part of you might envy that someone gets to experience the ultimate of fuel. Imagine running all this game on someone, lifting them up, crashing them down and killing them while seeing their bewildered and perplexed expression in their eyes. What really stops you? Just having your wings clipped in prison or that prison would put you right smack in your deepest fears and face the Gollum living in you?

Hope I am not insulting you. But I struggle with my story and my narc. A true Cane and Able story that might have led to the manipulation of a brother’s death. So this is dead real to me. Not some Readers Digest of depravity and redemption while ‘we’ sit on the sidelines in our cheerleader shorts fluttering our pomp poms!😒

But you also pretend admiration for other people? Correct? Like in your love bombing, pretend to admire a woman or a minion for their talents if they might serve you?

This one has puzzled me. The narcissist I know used to always appear to greatly admire other people, their accomplishments, their beauty. Would speak of feeling proud of their ‘success’, could even turn into someone’s groupie. And yet, wheat then did he do with all that bitterness that I saw that he was not given more in life, that his entitlement did not give him the true life he truly deserved?

I just never understood what he did with his jealousy and envy when he would turn around and admire other people.

The admiration that you describe occurs when there is seduction. Thus you are admired (and others) when seduction/golden period is in play. Then the envy and jealousy appear during devaluation and it matters not that we once admired you or that other person, what matters is what the moment and fuel demands.

Maria, Maria (Carlos Santana style) –
Sorry to say, it was an illusion. Shocking to believe they feel nothing when we feel so much. No contact is the only way. You have got to amputate. It’s going to hurt. Be brave and love yourself more than him.

HG
You know why i think i need to stay away from this blog and its content? ( i know that you probaby won’ t care less) because, although it might be helpful for other women, and i believe it is, it doesn’t work that way for me.

I read your articles and they cut me to the core, i read them i hear your voice on youtube.. and i feel like it is ” him” .. because the narcissist spirit its all the same..
therefore is like :
i read him, i hear him..
And i feel ( when i post on the blog) i am talking and interacting with “him’ .. so basically i am still “his”..
can you get when i am driving at? and why i feel that i should’ t come here anymore?
It’s crazy isnt’ t it?
Certainly i am not very ” normal” myself.
What are your “feelings” on what i have just shared?

I understand your point. Only you can gauge whether what you read here or listen to on Youtube is appropriate for you. That is not my role. For some it is the breakthrough required, for others it adds to existing knowledge, for others still it is a useful reminder of the maintenance of defences, for some it is hard but necessary and for some they are not ready to have it delivered to them with such brutal honesty and as a stark reminder of what has happened.

Thank you.
He still says lots of declarations of love.. but what it is that really cut deep in my heart is when he now says: I am incomplete without you.
I said that to him first.
But i do really feel that way.
Does it feel it as well ??

1. You escape the narcissist. The new primary source is not embedded. The narcissist is trying to get you back and failing, this is how it makes him feel at the point of trying;
2. The narcissist is devaluing a primary source and is hoovering you – your no contact wall stands firm – this is how that rejection makes him feel

H. G. Thanks again for this enlightening article. What happens if I was texted once and I did not reply. Does my ex tell himself, being as arrogant as he is, that I did not receive it or that it did not go through? His text was so fake to me: Hi, how are you doing? After reading so much of your work, I just knew he expected me to call him or text him back-when I was ignorant of who he was I probably would have, but not since being educated by you. Deep down would his fear be rejection from the one person he could always count on for 10+ years? I definitely know that he knows that I being the super empath that I am provided much fuel. It is also a certainty that he is a coward, deep down inside, and is probably flying too high right now. What are your thoughts H.G.?

Can it hurt anymore than the hurt he put me though? Letting me down after flying around the world to see him, his lies, the utter betrayal of my trust, using my hurt to control me instead of honoring it, lying about his apologies, and on and on. Could my criticisms during the Super Nova and the door slammed shut with an empathic ‘you are now forgotten’ even affect him?
Would a Super Nova event followed by sustained NC be good riddance or would his initial “fuck her” response soon turn to rage that she finally cut out for good? If he never cared to begin with, would all that just be relief finally to him that NC is finally here? I could see the NC being a fueling event, not one of hurt.

From what I have witnessed it does, and I wished I had never witnessed what I have, it brought a different understanding to things which I am grateful for the knowledge.
Pain ignored can come out in ways that are destructive. And sadly the cycle is repeated over and over.

True, pain ignored can be fatal… I watched an interview with Alanis Morissette recently, where she said something that made me think. She said that she had thought songwriting would heal her, but no matter how many times she sang “You Oughta Know”, it did not necessarily change anything. What made a difference however, was meeting her current partner. That’s when she started to heal.

And while I resist such a thought to a degree, as it gives someone else power over your well-being -exactly what we fought so hard to break free from- I understand that healing takes place in healthy relationships. I just don’t know if I could ever risk it again, there are no guarantees. But what is the alternative?

What I witnessed was complete isolation and a serious depressive state, what I felt was an overwhelming sense of pain, fear, and shame.
It is no different, then what we go through, pain is pain, only they bounce back faster which I believe is due to the perspective being different and their survival instinct runs different in the way of needs.
This is what I have observed in family members and when I went silent with him.

As far would I do things differently, that is hard to say due to I went completely into a survival mode due to what he did, I can be very viscous when cornered and no where to go.

They are people, they do feel and experience pain, it’s the perspective that’s different.
Does this give a get out of jail card, no it doesn’t. Change comes from knowledge not ignorance.

yes, I was extremely vicious. Brutal. My dragon is going back to sleep and I am finding myself slipping into emotion/empath mode. This is when the cycle would switch. The immediate danger is over for both of us, our dragons backed down (at least mine is) but now the knowledge needs to kick in, not the feelings that it will be different. It won’t be.

Be the master over your emotions not them master you. This is one of the hardest things to change due to society has conditioned us to believe the lie of what love looks like and what to think instead of how to think.
Logic and brutal honesty is needed. This oh he did this he did that is nothing more then blame shifting and projecting.
I do find it interesting as how you refer to what is inside as a dragon.

I refer to it as a dragon as it is better than copying HG’s Empath Super Nova visual and language. That post of his explains so much of my childhood to me as how I survived my own narcissistic mother. Why I would just ultimately BLOW a gasket.

But really, it felt like a dragon. I felt like a roaring angry spiteful take no prisoners dragon that squashed down any empathy I had for him. I went right for his core and gutted him. 🙁 I looked at his words, what he had done, and saw how they had gutted me and decided he did not get to go free.

I am in a place right now today, where I wonder if it’s worth sending him something I want to say before we part forever as we are finally doing. I wrote it and keep pruning it trying to take out any projections and blame. I think there might be something to say to someone who tried to destroy you but in surviving it, I found some long lost super critical parts of my life? Can I do it even after I did go Super Nova on him (not intentionally but it is what happened) and do it in a way that will not need any response or anything? I know that it can fuel him. Can expressing one’s self be done in a way where any fuel he gets is his own business? Or is it better to just leave it in this Super Nova dust settling mode forever?

******
Matilda,

I agree about real healing happens WITH people. I know so many people who talk about self love and loving one’s self first but they are alone. They are trying so hard to heal so much when really, the wound is the interpersonal with people. That is the wound. How can that be healed in solitude? It can’t. And the pain can be fatal. I think in the end, it is what took sibling’s life. A lifetime of pain he could never heal or see to heal.

Sarabella I am not one to tell another what to do, yet write what you must then chose on if you really need to speak last. Look at the why you are doing it, is it for you or for him, will it heal or will it open wounds again. Only you can chose what path you walk.