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April 29, 2007

Don't worry. It's nothing scary. I'm not leaving this site behind. My old buddy Tim, see, and his buddies have a new site over at actionbutton.net. I've had a login for the place forever, but I've never bothered, you know, writing for the site up until now. The theme of the site is, I dunno, offbeat videogame reviews by angry hipsters? I might be a little too positive for the site, but image be damned, I'm submitting reviews for the site now. Here is my review of Neo Geo Battle Coliseum, which is really an extended anecdote about fighting game fans and arcade rage. I won't be putting all my reviews of videogames up there; just the ones I write that feel like they fit. That said, enjoy.

April 28, 2007

In an even more uncharacteristic move than buying Arcana Heart in the first place, Chinatown Fair has bought the viciously arcade-gouging Arcana Heart FULL! upgrade kit. I got to watch the installation on Friday, in between matches. This (image via Asachan Blog via Insert Credit via via via via) really is the hardware upgrade in its entirety; a single fucking custom chip. You pop out an old chip that looks just like the new one, pop the new one in, reboot and you're done. Also generously included are movelists for formerly hidden character and Arcana Fiona and, uh, I can't find its name anywhere so I'll say the metal Arcana. You're supposed to put them down next to the existing movelists on the top and bottom of the screen, but they, uh, kept falling.

After we'd gotten a good amount of matches in, the guy who'd installed the chip came by and asked us, "So what's the difference?" The changes are so imperceptible in this game that the only way you'd actually know what they were is to ask people who have been playing heavily. We didn't have much to say about it because honestly, the changes (listed here) are even imperceptible by us. The really important changes are simple tweaks on attack speeds,
priorities, inputs and such. Some characters are a little worse, some characters are a little better. A lot of characters (including my own, Heart) don't feel much different at all. Glaringly unbalanced combos like the Heel Cutter loop are out, only to be replaced by new, yet more hilarious loops. This is the way of things, and the only way Yuki's really dealt with it is, as you can see in that last video, turning the damage down a little bit. AH already has very severe damage scaling, making it extremely hard to string together anything that does over 60% or so damage.

It's much easier to work out your big, huge combos, though, because the game now has a training mode along the bare-bones lines of every fighting game released after 1996 or so. You're given five minutes to mess around and practice combos; you can, however, be challenged during this time.

All that said, the most noticeable change is probably the fact that there are three new character colors. I know, I know.

April 24, 2007

I just wanted to say that right off the bat. Ignorance is no excuse, Nintendo. We need Mudkips and we need them yesterday. It was a minor pain getting this game yesterday: Gamestops all told me I should have preordered, but once I made it out to Best Buy I found a mountain of copies. Guys, let's not go to goddamn Gamestop to buy our newly released videogames: they're only going to buy enough copies to give to preorders anyway. As for the game, it's exactly what you would expect it to be, with some novel touchscreen stuff. I haven't played Pokemon since its original release, so I'm having a lot of fun with all the things that probably aren't new, but that I personally haven't seen.

I was most excited about the Wi-Fi Connection stuff, so I'm pretty disappointed that I can only play online with friends who have my friend code, and not random people; I love beating up random people on Bleach DS. I really don't like Nintendo's whole online strategy of keeping you away from the world at large. Keeping kids away from pedophiles is fine and dandy, and I recommend it, but meanwhile the rest of us are all shut off from each other as well. That said, my friend code is 2535 0109 6790. Feel free to post your friend codes here, because I know a couple of you reading this have some for me.

April 22, 2007

Tengen Toppa Gurren-Lagann is this season's new Gainax show, and for a change, it's actually really good. The director is Hiroyuki Imaishi, known for the imaginatively-animated but not-actually-very-good Dead Leaves. The genre? SuperRobot. So of course I was excited: even if the show wasn't very good, I was at least guaranteed crazy freaky robot animation. As it turned out, I got that and so much more.

Gurren-Lagann revolves around the adventures of a badass, a stupid kid, and drills. Kamina is the super robot hero archetype: a reckless, hot-blooded youth who says nothing but awesome shit along the lines of "GO BEYOND THE IMPOSSIBLE AND KICK REASON TO THE CURB!!". Because seriously: fuck reason. Simon is the pubescent kid who needs to learn how to become a man. Glowing drills are the super robot weapon of choice and, of course, the puberty metaphor of choice. These two live in a world where people live in underground hideouts
because they're pussies. The world above is unknown and people, being pussies, are terrified of it. As such, Kamina (A REAL MAN) is always trying to get up there. Lucky for the both of them, one day a monster and a hot chick crash through the ceiling, Simon finds a tiny robot with a big head, puts a tiny drill into the ignition, and things go along from there.

Charged with the job of making Simon's drill glow is the aforementioned hot chick Yoko; it says something terrible about anime when it's refreshing that the ridiculous fanservice character (note to female snipers everywhere: snipe with your legs spread) the camera leers at is actually a grown woman. Together, these three (along with their comic-relief gay mechanic) set out into the monster-in-robot-infested upper world. Stated goal: go to the bad guys' house and fuck them up.

I almost don't want to tell you anything about the robots, because the first three episodes do such an incredible job of gradually scaling them up. Suffice it to say that all the robots have two heads like Gaiking, and the Gurren-Lagann has a gattai sequence like you have never seen before. It'd have to, being made entirely out of stolen parts. That said, I can't wait till they start selling Kamina's shades.

April 21, 2007

I have been on a Gunbuster kick, and I very recently ordered the box set from the (as we will see) quite cool dudes over at Right Stuf. Now, in my order I very explicitly requested that "hard work and guts" be included in the package. Now, while I could detect nothing intangible inside of the box I was shipped, I was surprised to find, in a little paper slipcase labeled "Free Anime! (courtesy of Right Stuf and Funimation)", a sampler disc of Full Metal Panic! The Second Raid. It wasn't a concept, yes, but it was a lovely gift. I was yet more pleasantly surprised to find, when I popped the disc in, that it was actually the entire first volume of the show, and not just the single-episode sampler I had assumed I'd been sent.

I assume that is an ongoing promotion, but in my personal (extremely important) fantasy world, I asked for hard work and guts and was rewarded with an object. Thank you, Right Stuf and Funimation, for believingin my justice.

April 18, 2007

Gurren Lagann, as of its third episode, has jumped from the pretty damn impressive to the ridiculously, obscenely awesome. Not only is this what robot anime is all about, it's robot anime made fresh all over again. A real post is, I assure you, forthcoming.

April 17, 2007

It has come to my attention that you might have, maybe, or not, licensed Maria-Sama ga Miteru for Region 1 DVD release. Or it could all be a mistake. You're not telling. I understand. That's your right. However, as the voice behind moderately popular retired Internet gimmick character Badass Manly Anime Reviewer, I felt the need to inform you that your company would be remiss not to hire me to record a Badass Manly Commentary Track. Remiss.

All you guys need to do is accommodate a college student. An English major, even. I'll sleep on the floor of your recording studio, if that's how you guys want to do things. All I ask for are a couple drinks and a little cash donation. Charitable kinda thing. I'm saving up for a Captain Harlock pachinko machine. What's important here, Geneon, is that you will have a bonus feature.

April 09, 2007

I mean, after this Haruhi thing. Bandai's US DVD division. And how my Soul of Chogokin Gaiking's knees keep collapsing on themselves. Bandai's toy division. But seriously, I don't. It's just that one of Bandai's many arms, Bandai Visual, is making a tragicomedy of itself.

This bears some explanation. Bandai Visual, over in Japan, got this great idea. The US anime industry is kind of on a downturn. The licensors are paying too much for the rights to anime and they're not selling the stuff, and look at all these people there are to sell to. What they need is a Japanese company (one who, like Bandai, already has the rights to all this shit) to come down from the heavens and issue them premium, authentic Japanese animation. THIS WILL DEFINITELY WORK.

Bandai Visual took a dip into the market earlier with their releases of Mamoru Oshii's Patlabor movies. They were a little unusual: there were regular editions, priced like typical anime releases, and there were lavish special editions that went for more like, oh, I dunno, 90 bucks. These are very nice releases, and I've even considered getting them myself, but there's this huge issue that stands in the way: they cost 90 bucks. In today's promised land of cheap, legal anime on DVD (why, I'm buying Bandai Visual's release of Gunbuster right now) and cheaper pirated anime on the Internets, 90 bucks is a tough sell for any movie, especially movies with such niche Western followings.

So, taking these criticisms to heart, Bandai Visual makes a smart call in their big US roll-out: they charge more. Part of the Japanese authenticity that is Bandai Visual's mission, you see, comes from the fact that they charge closer to Japanese DVD prices. Diebuster? $40 retail for two eps! Freedom? $40 retail for one ep! Wings of Honneamise? No regular edition! $80 special edition only! Galaxy Angel Rune, the one best described as the already none-too-bright (but at least dumb fun) Galaxy Angel post-lobotomy?$50 for 4 episodes.

The really embarassing part here is you can get the actually-funny previous seasons for $35.

What's sad is that I was really interested in a lot of stuff that Bandai Visual was really interested in selling me, and it's a shame that, like Toei before them, they're getting ready to botch the releases so badly that nobody is going to end up seeing them. Freedom is, in particular, amazing stuff. The US anime companies are having a hard time making money off the huge US anime fanbase, but the way into the business is definitely not to barge on in, having done zero research, and assume that things will work your way. Unfortunately, Japan keeps right on assuming that this is the case. They were never good with foreigners.

What a bummer this all is. Let's watch the chicken suit episode of Galaxy Angel.

April 08, 2007

And on such short notice! Why wasn't I notified of something this big? How am I even supposed to get there in time? I'll be your official American representative! Fly me in, you guys! And now, the death scene I have yet to see on my own Hokuto slot machine:

April 06, 2007

And I'm too pumped to go to sleep before I talk about it. It was a 10PM show and I'm home talking to you lovely internets at 2:45: you can imagine how things would have been for me had I gone to the midnight show.

I went to see this at the AMC Empire 25 on, you know, 42nd Street. New 42nd Street. This is both appropriate and wildly inappropriate: yeah, they showed these kinds of movies in shithole theaters around here, but this is New 42nd Street. As I descend the switched-off escalator coming out of the theater, I pass an Applebee's and exit through the lobby of a Dave & Buster's. I walk by that goddamn movie theater McDonalds and a place that sells only baseball caps on my way to the train. It's not gritty at all, this place.

It's so not gritty that they handed me a survey as I came in: they told me Tarantino and Rodriguez themselves totally needed my input... for advertising. Fine, I thought. I played their game. I wrote all over that goddamn survey. "Are you a fan of Quentin Tarantino?" "IS THIS AN EGO-STROKING QUESTION, YOU DRUNK LITTLE BASTARD? I'M CHECKING NO JUST TO SPITE YOU." Things like that. Long rants about the power of my demographic (and the susceptibility to advertising that this implies). I ran out of space.

So I'll start with Planet Terror: this is the crowdpleaser movie that you've seen in all the TV ads and by far the crazier of the two films. A simple philosophy is at work here: fit as much insanity, violence, and sex as you possibly can on the screen at all times. Pure entertainment with no further aspirations. Rodriguez knows what he's here to do and he's here to give us all crazy shit, all the time. Assault us with it. From the first shot this movie's dial is at 14 and it never, ever slows down. It's so over the top, in fact, that it feels more 80's than 70's; not necessarily a bad thing. It's got extended gross-outs, ridiculous gimmicks, an script deliberately loaded with howlers, a guy who goes by "El Rey", and if something is physically capable of exploding, it probably will. Throughout, the audience was either laughing, applauding, cringing, or all three at the same time.

Just an aside: Rose McGowan is alternatingly the cutest (aww look at her stumble everywhere on that plank) and hottest (I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON'T FIND THAT GODDAMNED MISSING REEL--) amputee ever, and I want one of her for my house as an accesory to go with the slot machines. I'm a man of humble means, Rose, but I'll pay you in tokens. They're shiny, foreign and exotic. Give it some thought. I'll wait.

I'll address all the trailers right here in order of preference. Machete was my favorite. Don't was my second favorite. Thanksgiving was my third favorite, and Nazi werewolves were, surprisingly, in fourth place. All are laugh riots, but in varying degrees.

I have to spoil Death Proof to talk about it, so please, be warned.

Death Proof knows that it's playing after Planet Terror, and as such it has room to take...it...slow. Tarantino leans on that liberty really, really hard and gives us a slow burn of a movie that leads into two holyshit car action sequences. The first part didn't really do much for me; it's this long, belabored setup that probably could have been ten minutes long. Characters have long Tarantino conversations, which would be fine, if they served the movie's story or characters or its anything somehow. Ultimately, (spoilers spoilers) these girls are all just the first bunch to die and nothing that happens with them really matters. All the irrelevant strings of the irrelevant plot as it was are just left to hang; it's exactly how this kind of movie would do that, but it doesn't mean I wasn't wondering why I spent forty minutes watching them being irrelevantly dangled in front of me. I feel like the only answer is "that's the kind of movie this is", and I don't know how satisfied I am with that. So ends the slasher portion.

Just because I've started another paragraph doesn't mean we aren't still in spoiler territory. We have a second group of girls now, and they make the same idle chat that bored me the first time but I actually kind of enjoyed here, due to a bunch of girls I found a lot more likable than the first. But the second time around, we switch exploitation genres to a chicks-gettin'-revenge movie. Our second set of girls gets fucked with and doesn't take that shit, leading to a long, spectacular car chase and a simple, extremely satisfying payoff. I won't spoil that. We're done with spoilers.

Here's something I didn't think about until now: The violence is not nonstop, but tits and ass are a such a constant presence in both films that you might start forgetting they're even there, were they not tits and ass. Which they are. So you don't.

In summary, I expect to be dragging my friends back to the theater tomorrow night, whether they want to or not. Flawed though it may be, you've still gotta see this shit, man.