LIVE! Review: Billboard Festival 2015- Day #2

8/24/2015
Tunes For Loons
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Hello and welcome to the writeup of the weirdest musical event ever. A couple of opening thoughts before we launch in. I got to go free through work. I suspect it is because Billboard apparently only moved 40% of the tickets. Awk. So we forced ourselves to go because we figured, you know, IT WAS FREE. Let it be known there was no booze. I guess I was stupid that I didn't know this about Jones Beach. And maybe I am making too big a deal of this, but if I am going to be in a mosh pit of screaming 14 year olds at a Nicki Minaj concert, at minimum I require a slight buzz. This was denied to me, and thus I hate Billboard forever.*** The day was pretty hilarious though. Notes below:

**Jk, free shit rules.

CHAINSMOKERS

Good. Better than when I saw them back in April. Actually they could have been amazing then, but I was dying of the plague at the show. Can you imagine anything more horrifying than a sick person at a rave? They play a remix of "Habits" that goes over really well. Drew and Alex are also filled with inspirational messages: "This next song is about being whoever the fuck you want to be!!" ...but what if I'm an entitled asshole? There's room for Caitlyn, but is there room for the girl who steals beer from work?^^^

^^^if anyone I work with reads this (lol), I am just kidding. I stole 1 beer. 1 time. DON'T FIRE ME.

MISTERWIVES

Seems mad the crowd isn't more enthused. This is what you get when it's 90 degrees and most of the audience is biding their time till Biebs. They insist they are from Queens but I swear to God this girl has a British accent. To close, they play an inspired and weird cover of "Uptown Funk." Mandy Lee's voice is raspy and perfect. I'm with it until they start scatting. Really don't need the vocals trilled out. It sounds like Christina Aguilera singing the National Anthem.

A TALE FROM INTERMISSION

(this is not a band, this is where I will describe what happened while we sat around and waited for Kygo): We posted up in the upper balcony and proceeded to watch a poor Live Nation employee police obnoxious teenage girls for an hour. Physically, she resembled Mrs. Trunchbull, but she possessed the kindness of Buddy the Elf. Just kidding. She was as aggravated as I imagine Kanye would be at a meet and greet. I cannot blame her. Thank you for your service. I will forever remember your neon hair scrunchie.

KYGO

Is playing to a seated venue. Sooo basically playing dance music to people who could hypothetically be in wheelchairs. I can also tell you the Ed Sheeran cover is not going over very wel--JK BLUE CONFETTI JUST SHOT EVERYWHERE AND FIERY FLAMES AHHH!!!! Pyrotechnics #onfleek. He plays a remix of Reflections and it gets a much better reaction than 40 minutes ago. Misterwives prob so pissed. Honestly every song goes down well. The ultimate power move is playing "Don't Stop Believing." The people of Long Island were practically foaming at the mouth they were so psyched. Also I need to talk about how the hottest couple I've ever seen were making out non-stop at this concert, and it was the ultimate distractor. One million percent they were Calvin Klein models. I wanted to dismiss the entire crowd so I could direct their sex tape.

NICKI MINAJ

Nicki is 20 minutes late and officially on our shit list. I'm the only one who's allowed to be late to anything Nicki!!! Ultimately comes out 30 minutes late and all is forgiven. She's unrealllll. Am I at a burlesque show? In 5 minutes, I have seen more of Nicki's ass than I have seen of my own in my entire life. Love it. Except for when she starts humping her backup dancers and then I feel uncomfortable. For real though, her diva attitude is off the charts, and I am so impressed. That level of commitment to selling the shit out of yourself needs to be lauded. That's how it's done Swifty. There is a weird moment where she drops the mic & walks off stage...but all is forgotten in the final 4 songs. Superbass. Hey Mama. Pound the Alarm. Starships. I have never seen a crowd that crazy. BOW DOWN BITCHES.

RYN WEAVER

I love that this photo looks like it was taken on a Polaroid in 1993. I feel like Ryn would approve and, tbh, I care abt that. Ugh, I felt really bad for Ryn Weaver because everyone went to Skrillex. Like everyone. She had amazing commentary about it though. "These are all people who actually give a fuck about music." You guys, I smell a Twitter war!!** Shout-out to the kind soul who gave me a pair of earplugs. Regarding Ms. Weaver, veryyy different from what I expected. Carried herself like Courtney Love. I can't be totally sure, because I'm born in 91 and never witnessed Mrs. Kurt Cobain in action, but Youtube seems to support me. Also, Ryn's voice sounded really good. Had a lot of weight. She stopped mid-set to discuss her grandfather who died and how hard it is to not make mistakes on tour. WE SUPPORT UR MESSAGE OF LOVE RYN.

**Jk they're friends, I'm just trying to troll the internet.

To wrap up, here are some fashion trends we took in:

- Chokers are officially back. Not ironically. Let us weep.

- a girl wearing a t-shirt with the slogan: "Cute...and pyscho!" WHERE CAN I PURCHASE THIS.

- a 300 pound man wearing a t-shirt that said "Too big to fail." The ultimate trolling.