I just don’t know what to say tonight. I am filled with a bunch of mixed emotions. I felt really anxious, sad and so empty. I feel like my place in life is nowhere at this moment. This overwhelming feeling doesn’t go away, and it has been with me for so many years.
Regarding work, none the less, which will become the central theme for my days. Some days, nothing really happens in work, that will make me feel any type of way. It’s literally just my sense of self. I know that retail isn’t the right thing for me, but I don’t know what else to do in life.
When you have a routine, you get way too comfortable. You don’t want to leave the environment, even if it stresses you out, to the point of having mental breakdowns. I’m also afraid to step out of my comfort zone, even though I have tried to do that in the past.
I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone by: growing my hair long, by dyeing my hair various colors and by trying to grow out my facial hair. Yes, the last one sounds a little bit strange, but when you have people telling you that you need to shave…it’s annoying. Or that, if you shave more, it will grow in faster and all that stuff. I did not cut my hair off while I was growing out my hair, because that would be ridiculous!
I have also went to North Carolina by myself. That was literally the hardest thing to ever do for me. I am a complete homebody, so to drive over 600 miles, was a challenge! Then I also went to New York with my sister for a few days. Oh, and I also went to Arizona a couple of times, to visit my ex.
To sum this rambling up: I need a whole lot of advancement to go anywhere! There’s tons of resistance from me. If I don’t want to do something I don’t want to do, it won’t happen.
Being part of a routine can be really horrible though, since it can stir up many emotions. Having a routine makes me feel safe she in control! If I don’t have that aspect in my life, then I won’t be about to function. Double edged sword!