11.21.2007

today someone asked me what its like to have an anxiety attack. although i've had anxiety most of my life, no one has ever asked me what it feels like and i guess ive never thought about it before. ive never known the difference but i guess if youve never had an attack it must seem like a weird thing to have happen to you. ive often wondered if the fact that i have anxiety annoys other people or if my friends think i can control it, but just dont. i hope not -- :(

anxiety is different for every single person that has it. people have different forms of it (social, OCD, panic disorder) and different variations (severe, situational, etc.) you can have an attack that lasts 2 minutes or one that simmers for hours, even days. some people constantly worry about their disorder (although, i hate that word for the record) and others are totally fine until they get in a sticky situation. some people fear being away from those who can help them during an attack and others have a fear of therapists and doctors themselves. its all pretty individualized.

firstly, i have OCD. it is best described as: an anxious thought or thoughts that you may feel you cannot control. there is no pleasure in carrying out the rituals you are drawn to, only relief from the anxiety that grows when you don't do them. there are healthy people that carry out this behavior, such as checking the stove many times before leaving the house. however, people with OCD can do this for at least an hour every day, which interferes with daily life.

i'm lucky, because i dont have a severe form of OCD. basically, i clean a lot and like to keep things in order. when someone comes into my room and say, slings their bag on the floor and kicks their shoes off, it feels like they are punching me in the stomach. and i KNOW that sounds insane, but the people that love me have embraced it and so it doesnt affect my day to day life too much. it DOES make working at urban hard sometimes, because when i clean the fitting rooms and then a customer comes in and trashes it (although i understand its my job) i want to scream.

i also have social and general anxiety: anxiety disorders can take many forms. you may experience free-floating anxiety without knowing exactly why you’re feeling that way. you may suffer from sudden, intense panic attacks that strike without warning. your anxiety may come in the form of extreme social inhibition or in unwanted obsessions and compulsions. or you may have a phobia of an object or situation that doesn’t seem to bother other people.

"social" anxiety means basically that i hate speaking on front of other people, being the center of attention and meeting new people. some situations are worse than others, but as a whole it bothers me more than it does most people and i can become so paraliyzed by fear that i flee a situation. see: hearst christmas party 2006. about 500 people in the ballroom, all dressed up and chatting, drinking. i cant find anyone i know, start to hypervenalate and literally sprint to the subway. yeah. i know.

in contrast, general anxiety is all about the totally random anxiety attacks i get. from flying on planes, being in large crowds, having too much to do....it can happen pretty much anytime. i even have anxiety attacks while im sleeping and wake up panicked and sweaty. sometimes i can feel it coming on and crunch it and other times i just "need a moment." there isnt much of any way to prepare and since i live a drug free existence (yes, even advil is a drug) i dont use anything other than therapy to curb attacks.

how to help: everyone is different. you'll know im having an anxiety attack because, well- i'll usually tell you. i also (like many other people) hyperven., pace and shake my hands (like im fanning myself). some people liked to be touched, some people dont want to be touched at all. heres a cute video on how to help someone: www.videojug.com/film/ how-to-help-someone-having-a-panic-attack

heres how best to help me: dont tell me im over re-acting. this will only make it worse (plus, its kind of rude, since i cannot help the fact that i have anxiety, it is genetic.) dont try and hug/hold me because i will feel closed in and only panic more. all you really can do is reassure me i'll be ok, help me get my breathing back to normal by counting my breaths with me. make me sit down, put my head between my knees and focus on something positive (an old friend of mine very cutely laid on the floor looking up at me with my head between my knees told me a story about her day. distractions like this are helpful because when i get a panic attack its usually because i feel overwhelmed about a situation and need to be removed or distracted from it.

having a panic attack is embarassing but fortunatly, i have them much less than i used to. a lot of people in my life have never had to witness one of mine and never will. for all that have, it means the world to me that you are as understanding and helpful as you are.

11.18.2007

im confused. and i love it. its an adventure and i cant wait to know what happens. i wish i could tell you what im talking about.

alas.

EW gave a great review of "pushing daisies" last week which made me full of bliss. id be honored to work there (duh) for a million reasons, not the least that ive wanted to work there since birth. basically.(so yes, the interview went well).

i got to spend some time with jamie this week, which was nice. i did an overnight at UO and got off at 6AM, which was horrible. i got to spend lots of time with jones during her time off, which was fun. we are on season 3 of "felicity" now! im behind on some of my work and i hope i dont get in trouble but ive also been a little busy too. the biggest drawback to this that ive felt it calling people. i have some phone calls to make/people to see.

the apartment looks so great. jones and i cleaned today which made me happy. and we made my fave lunch together, which was nice. and we watched my netflix movies (shrek 3, oceans 13). i didnt like either.

but mostly, PRunway premiered on wednesday and i totally didnt know! so im excited to catch up this wed., which is also my little brothers birthday. i will see him saturday.

and dont ask me how i feel about the trip to west virgina. because...uncomfortable is the only word i can muster.

11.16.2007

i'm gonna be in CG! heres what i said about getting inked and my advice to young people looking to do so:

I always knew I wanted to get tattooed. From a very early age I found them fascinating and began thinking about what I would want one day. As I got a little older I started drawing them out and once I decided I wanted sleeves (full arm tattoos), I decided I wanted to have them completly drawn out and decided on before I even got one. By 18, I was done, leaving a few spots for things I might want in the future.

As an artist, having "ink" is a honor to me. My body has become my own personal canvas and I love that this is the one thing about my appearance that I can truly choose. Out of all of my greatest works (paintings, drawings, films, books) these are things that will literally 'be' with me forever. They all have extreme meaning to me and they also all link together, thus giving them a double (and in some cases triple) meaning. I don't think everyone's tattoos need to be very personal/meaningful to them but I DO believe that chances of regret go down when it is something you care about. I think of it this way: I have a key on my left arm that (while I love) is too big. If I could go back, I would definitely make it smaller but that doesnt make me regret it. Similarly, I have a bike on my right arm that I love (its one of my favorite pieces) but sometimes question getting. I'm more of a skateboarder, but it was hard to find a good way to ink a skateboard so because I also love to bike, I got that instead. However, because I am not quite the biker that I used to be and I still love to skateboard, I'd like to find a way to get that in there.

Because I am heavily tattooed (I currently have 15 and will have around 35 when I am done) I get asked questions about tattooing all of the time. No matter what I do to my hair or how cute I look on any given day, I will always get the most compliments on my ink. Infact, I've had multiple women tell me how cool they think it is that I push the boundaries and get inked on my arms, something many people are scared to do because of how it might affect what jobs they get or how it will affect their image. I'm happy to report that there is no "personality" associated with tattoos and that much of the social stigma against them has vanished, especially in large cities and artsy communities.

Sometimes people ask me if I think I will one day regret having so many tattoos. The answer is that I dont, for many reasons. One, I made sure to get things that mean a lot to me. Two, I planned them out over a long period of time. Three, I took the time (and this is VERY important) to find an artist to work with that I liked as a person, is an amazing tattooer and who understands who I am and what I like. I also made an important decision for me, which was to get only black/gray tattoos. I did this because I personally believe that the black is more "classy," it fades better and it matches everything I wear. :)

My advice for anyone considering getting inked: Do NOT get tattooed unless you are positive you want it. When you decide what you want, ask if its something timeless that you will love forever. Example: If you love the old compass your grandfather gave you, you will probably love a tattoo of it in twenty years. But, just because you love James right now, doesn't mean you will love HIM in twenty. Be smart about it and remember that forever means forever, unless you just love throwing money away on a painful removal procedure. Visualize yourself in twenty years. Who do you want to be? Try to see yourself in a natural setting with your ink. For instance, I used to really want swallows on my chest. Then I tried to visualize myself as a fifty year old woman with swallows. For some reason, even though I love them, I just can't see it. When people come to me concerned that they might regret it, I usually ask them to consider living by my tattoo rule. Once you've thought of the perfect piece/placement, spend one year thinking about it. Hang it in your room and see if you get sick of looking at it (if you cant stand it on your wall, you wont want it on your body for life.) After a year, have an artsy friend draw the piece on you (in your previously chosen spot) in sharpie. Keep redrawing it for three-six months, however long you feel is necessary. If you STILL love it, the chances that its meant to be are greater. Of course, nothing ensures that you won't one day regret it, but I truly believe that if you are patient enough to wait a year and a half about something you are excited about and you remain excited about it, your tattoo has a better chance of survival. You wouldn't marry a man after one night, right? Spend some time with your ink.

Getting tattooed is serious and I honestly think it taints the art of it when people just run out and get tweety bird on their ass on a whim. Getting inked costs a lot of money (when its done right), is painful and is permanent. But it's also beautiful, artistic and if you ask me, pretty exciting. I love that I get to wear my heart on my sleeve(s), everyday.

11.14.2007

i got plenty of sleep, but not too much. i then got ready, got some DD coffee and headed to times square with jones.

we listened to some of my new fave songs on the subway and then headed to the AMC theatre. we got our tix and headed into our movie marathon.

we saw "dan in real life," "lars and the real girl" and "martian child," with perfect timing in between each. most importantly, we paid $11 to see all three and i LOVED them all, which is sooooo rare for me. i left the theatre in complete bliss. movie bliss, my favorite kind (duh)!!

i then headed downtown a bit more to meet up with andi, a friend from high school, in her new NY flat. she just moved here after training for a new job in finance, and i couldnt be happier. i am literally on cloud 9 that she is here and we had a fantastic night. i think having here her is going to change my life a lot, but i dont want to get ahead of myself. mostly, im happy to report that even though its been years, weve grown to have even more in common. im so proud of her.

im now home, with a full belly of yummy diner food. im going to watch an episode of "felicity" with jones and then head to bed. ive gotta get up early for more work on the lynton flat (the place i am decorating.)

p.s.- be a good listener. dont judge other people. and be yourself. :)

11.12.2007

you know how people throw around that phrase, "oh! thats the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me"? well, the other night i was watching conan with one of my fave actresses and she told her story about what i call the NTES (nicest thing ever said.) ive heard a lot of peoples and i used to try and rack my brain to think of mine, until i realized that if i didnt just *know* it, then maybe i didnt have one yet.

i mean, sure, people have said lovely things to me. things that made me heart soar and things that made my days glow a little brighter. but never anything life-altering, you know? until now. i guess you prob. knew where this was going.

after my day of hell, i sat next to this young couple on the subway. they were so cutesy, all over each other. honestly, i didnt know if i should laugh, cry or puke. later, i told one of my friends from college (one of only like, 3) and she asked me what i'm looking for in a relationship.

i told her (what i always tell everyone), "someone that loves me for exactly who i am." to which she replied, "exactly. and you will find that because you are incredible and everyone who doesn't see that is just bat fucking blind."

i later let on that i was a bit more worried about the ending up alone thing than normal. and she sent to me the words that i will now dub my NTES. and i dont know that it will everbe topped.

oh it so will for you. you're going to find someone amazing. i can't wait for that day when you're like "i met someone" and then i'll just feel this chill and i'll know.

seriously, i have some good friends in my life who i hold very dear to me, but i feel like you are so much more complete and complex. i don't know, maybe i'm just thinking of what i would be attracted to but you are seriously one fascinating human.

i don't mean this as a diss to some of my other friends, but i kind of have them figured out. granted i've known some of them longer, but they are the way they are and they're not going to change.

you on the other hand, are so ornate. you have these little crevices within you where every time i'm with you i discover something new and i feel like an archeologist or something. i love that.

because no matter what it is we're talking about you always have something to say and even when we're saying nothing it's comfortable. you just have a way of putting people at ease, yet keeping them on their toes at the same time and i think that's what i like the best about you. i can never tell what's going to happen next but i know that i can't wait till it does.

because i could never be bored with you. i might be overwhelmed with you at times, but i could never be bored with you. i'd rather have too much of you than not enough.

it's like your room. it's exactly who you are, but yet it's nothing of who you are. there are so many trinkets from your life and each has a story to it. that's who you are, you're the storyteller.

but at the same time you're so beyond any of that and you don't need it, when sometimes i think you do. like, you have so much going for you already that all of the rest of it... well... i guess it's like a field where there's this gorgeous tree that just keeps growing and it has been forever but you know it's not done yet and you want to be under it for shade and protection but at the same time you want to stand back and watch the birds come and the seasons change. beneath it is green grass that's soft, and there are flowers that bloom and even though the flowers are pretty nothing compares to the tree. i guess that's how i see you.

you're that tree.

you have so much in you that i admire.

you have this courage to be who you are, so fearless to just say it and have that be that at your word. you have this raw ability to just be honest with emotion. you don't play the head games with yourself that i play with myself. i try to control things, you just let them be because you're smart enough to know that you can't control them. it's rare to have that. to just be open and say this is what i'm feeling and that's ok.

you're seriously smart and you have such insight into human life and those around you. it's like you know exactly what's going on, but you can't always say that you do because you're gentle and you know people need to discover it themselves.

you're creative and have this artistic ability that i really wish i could see more of. like that painting, the self-portrait, i had no idea you could create things like that. when i try to paint it's all gobble and goop, with you... you have vision.

that's it.you have a vision.

whether it's for yourself, others, your future, whatever. you know what you want and you're going to go for it and even if the roads are foggy you can still see enough to know that you're going to push through.

you're truly incredible. i just want you to know that because when i'm around you sometimes i feel this intimdation that keeps me silent.

in comparison to much of my life, it was actually nothing. it was silly, really. but you know those days i'm speaking of, right? maybe nothing seriously goes badly, but right from the start you wake up just knowing...yuck, this isnt your day? and then its just a bunch of little things that pile up and before you know it you just want to pull your hair out....and over what? i always feel silly for letting those days upset me, but sometimes they get to me more than the singular bad event.

in short order, i was yelled at for being 15 minutes late to work (no, i didnt call. i got on the wrong subway -- long story-- and so i was underground. so sue me.) i was wearing heels, which seemed like a good idea this morning, but after about thirty minutes my feet started throbbing. worse than ever in my life and i seriously (hey! fair warning about the silly whining) thought i was going to cry. if i could cry. but...we all know i cant. which is just the icing on the cake, isnt it?

the heel thing wouldnt matter so much, as i usually dont stray far from the fitting room. but instead i was back and forth from receiving all day. we have concrete floors, so i was sounding like a high school teacher coming down the hallway.

i guess i could name a series of events that happened at work, but basically it was the worst day ive had there and i suddenly felt very disliked. the place was totally slammed and i couldnt keep up with any of my visual projects because customers kept throwing clothes into a pile on the work bench and leaving fitting rooms looking like a hurricane went through. SO- right there, in the fitting rooms, 40 mins before i got off, i had a full on panic attack. my first in a month. if youve never witnessed that, youre lucky.

anyways, yuck. on my way out of the store i found out that you-know-who has a girlfriend. and then, on the way home, that the other you-know-who? yep, he's got one too. FUCK ME. i proceeded to overact just a tad. and then i missed my subway stop by 3 stops.

back at home, things got a little better. like, i got to take my shoes off.but no mail, ugh. i hate no mail days.

hey, at least i looked HOT today. i mean, if i may so say myself (and i can because i never do.)

good things that happened to day:yummy/free dinner"felicity" marathon with jonesmovie theatre marathon planned for tomorrowandi is HERE. and i get to see her in less than 24 hrs.see next entry. :)

11.10.2007

after what i would consider a pretty good day, i came home to an empty flat.

which means, of course, that i cranked matchbox twenty's new song "how far we've come" and danced in my underwear all over the house.it was awesome.

today i returned to the lynton house (where we shot the movie in august) to help audri redecorate. its going to look great and although its odd to be there, im still in awe. this is the nicest townhouse ive ever been into in my life, needless to say the nicest place in new york. anyways, it seriously needs an overall and im glad im able to help. i really love doing this stuff and i hope jacq calls me back so we can finish her place, because its going to look great too!

i stopped by urban after to get my schedule (its still freezing outside, esp. after walking 11 blocks.) only 15 hours again, but thankfully ive got a full week otherwise, so its fine. i'm supposed to see betsy, amanda, diana and josh this week- and i totally hope it works out. josh's birthday is tues and hes having a dinner thursday in jersey city, so i should def. be seein' him and william and a few other choice favorites.

in bad news, erin totally caught me on my smoking indoors thing. UGH, i know. but after moving to new york i was alloweed to smoke in the dorms. and so i did- for 3 and a half years. i knew that when i moved into my new flat that i wanted to stop doing it (because it makes everything smell and the smoke bothers erin.) it was easy when it was warm and i could just pop outside, but with a lot of late night deadlines and the freezing cold, its hard to consistantly make myself go outside once in my PJ's. so ive just been popping open the window in my room. but yeah, apparently that ain't workin out so ive got to stop, which is a good thing..its just going to be hard. but maybe i will smoke less, which is great (duh.)

i keep going back and forth on how many netflix movies i should have. i'm burning through them lately, but i was slow for awhile. i sent all 3 back this morning (they all sucked, any suggestions people?)

i was looking forward to an all day movie marathon with jones tomorrow, but ive gotta work on the lynton house and then go to urban at night. so no movies. maybe later in the week.

they play the best music on "supernatural"...which is a surprise but true.speaking of music, ive been listening to the georgetown college radio a lot lately (i know, random. jones' brother has a show on there though.) its easy to use, you just get it on your itunes and then listen away. you should check it out:www.georgetownradio.comalso, jones and i pulled out all my christmas vinyl and we've been jamming to that (like, while we cleaned out the fridge which looks ooooohhh, so nice.)

speaking od fridge cleaning (i'm on a roll tonight!), i had a bit of a panic attack during. you see, i'm not scared of much. not heights, the dark, or the ocean. not snakes, or spiders, or any bugs really. BESIDES MAGGOTS. i hate them. when i see them i feel like they are crawling all over me.EWW.anyways, i was cleaning out the pantry, throwing out expired food and i opended a thing of bread crumbs thingys (or whatever the fuck it was) and they were everywhere. SO, i promptly threw the box down and ran away in horror. jones thought i had fallen off the chair i was standing on.she cleaned it up, as she is afraid of most of the aforementioned things, but not maggots- apparently.i'm still not over it.

so, here it is. a list of things i am scared of:-maggots-public speaking (unless its for my mentoring stuff, for some reason- i guess power- that doesnt bother me as much)-snorkeling (i'll do it, but i get really paranoid because the goggles make everything look closer than it is)-flying (but really, only when the plane takes off and lands)-being the center of attention (hence the public speaking bit)-confrentation (i dont like fighting and i HATE when people i care about are mad at me, esp. when they dont tell me why. so i guess as much as i hate conf., i'd rather that then have the silent treatment)-math (including, but not limited to: doing my taxes, filling out forms for work, ringing people up at urban, dealing with any kind of money, tipping, loan/cc stuff and guessing the measurements of things-- ugh, thats prob the worst.)-running into certain people when i am back in GA-someone slitting my throat (i know this sounds random, but there is a reason. about 75% of the time, i actually sleep with my hands on my collarbone.)-running out of money, not being able to pay rent and loosing all of my stuff (yeah, its just stuff-- but a lot of it means a lot to me and i've already lost so much in the past.)

i think thats about it. so bring on the snakes and tarantulas (i love them). let me go sky diving anytime and leave me in the flat alone at night anytime.

this was an interesting week. other than the fun filled days at urban (i finally met the loss prevention guy and he's really nice), i got to spend a lot of quality time with my main man jamie, who is as cute as ever.

i had two interviews today to work on a couple more websites and im really confused about what to do. but that major decision wont come until next week, so stay tuned.

ive been addicted to "saved by the bell" lately. im on the 5th season. that stuff cracks me up.

my friend from high school is moving here too, she is supposed to get here tomorrow..so hopefully i will see her soon. i havent seen her in ages so that should be fun.

i might have to go work on a house tomorrow (doing some freelance interior design stuff) so i should prob. go to bed.

its freezing in NY ....and rainy. the worst. i miss warmth already. not being able to control the temp in my flat SUCKS.

also, the veins in my hand freak me out. they stick out a lot. isnt that bad? weird.

11.08.2007

its funny, i forget that this is a public blog and that people read it. until someone asks me about something ive written, which always throws me off at first. i mean, i like that about it and if i didnt i would just keep a diary. but i just think its funny how shocked i am everytime someone brings something up. it happened 3 times today.but, i digress.

its 12:47 and i have to be at urban at 10. i should prob go to bed, but i have an article due that will prob keep me up until 3-4am. that sucks. but, we've had this discussion before and you dont want to hear it, right? yeah.

today i paid nearly $400 for a plane ride to WV to see my brother play football and to see my grandparents over thanksgiving. im flying on thanksgiving day, so that i could go to the parade in the city and so that i dont have to fly the day before wednesday, since aiports/flying gives me a huge anxiety attack and everyone knows the day before thanksgiving is a bloody nightmare at the airports.so, im broke now and unable to make my loan payment on friday which means im going to default on my student loans again. but i havent seen my brother in a year, so i guess im supposed to say its worth it. i just wish flying to WV wasnt such a pain. i have to fly from NY-NC-WV. its weird.

sigh, my mother would say i need a rich man. at this point i'd settle for a poor man that doesnt mind listening to me gripe and then giving me a hug.

or, if anyone could find scott speedman for me...that might work too.:)

11.06.2007

i dont know why, but im in a bit of a blah mood today. so, here are some things that bug me (if this depresses you, i keep a list of the little things i love on my page all of the time, so just check that out. haha):

-people telling me to quit bitting my nails. (i know its a bad, gross habit but ive done it my whole life and i dont know how to quit anymore. i try.)-baths. (i dont find them relaxing and i actually think the idea is kind of gross.)-people who tell me that smoking is "bad for me." REALLY? huh, i had no idea. i thought these things were awesome for me!-little dogs (im sorry, but its true.)-people who stay in abusive relationships, or that stay with someone that is mean to them or someone they dont really love. generally, i am bothered by people in bad situations who do nothing to fix it. (i realize that this is sometimes hard, but there are also times when people just dont want to be alone, and thats a little pathetic. and i can say that, because ive been there)-family guy, the simpsons, seinfeld and the king of queens. i DO NOT find these funny and i honestly dont understand how anyone else does either. -conservative assholes. (ok, you LOVE george bush and you think abortion is murder. thats fine, just dont talk to me.)-people who act like doing a little blow in the bathroom at a club is no big deal. (seriously!?)-potheads. -milk. at least, drinking it. (obviously, i put it in my cereal and with cooking. but just big, tall glass of milk? EW.)-people that drink ALL the time/alcoholics. (AND- people that dont understand that when i say i "dont really drink that much" i really mean, i dont really like to drink that much and could we please see a movie instead of going to that bar, AGAIN.-dirtyness. (ok, you're a little unorganized, maybe even messy. i will try to deal. but dirty?....thats annoying. plus its disgusting.)-junk emails and FWRDS. -wishy-washy/flakey people. -dating sites. (thats a personal, for me thing. i realize that they work for so many people and some of my fave couples met online, but i had to do it once for a story - that never got published, mind you- and i wanted to DIE.)-the fact that you cant get sweet tea (among other things) in NYC.-when i have cigs but no lighter, or a lighter but im out of cigs. esp. after a long day. UGH.-guys that wear the same ugly shoes everyday. seriously, i HATE bad shoe taste and this seems to be a bigger prob with guys (although, of course, sometimes girls make me cringe too.)-religious, pushy people.-complicated video games. i loose my patience-trying to watch zach play football. i get pissed when they dont put him in but i get pissed when they do put him in and he gets hit really hard. i start pacing my flat with worry.-people who always say "im bored." (i DO NOT believe in that shit, but i will save that for another blog.)-the fact that the "pushing daises" pilot isnt online anymore-my slow, old computer. i need a new one, but i cant afford it. (i cant afford anything, natch.)-people who borrow things and dont give them back. -bratty kids. (my parents beat the living shit out of me when i acted up. not saying that this was the best answer, but i hate when people "baby" their children.)-the fact that there is nothing in WH. i miss the east village every single day.-when the subway acts a fool.-the fact that lightbulbs blow out in like 2 weeks in my flat.-thanksgiving. (i'm nearly half native american, its basically the slaughter of my people. and dont get me started on how annoying it was to find out, AFTER THE FACT, that i could have gone to college for free. for some reason, i am reminded of this mostly at thanksgiving. haha.)-the fact that sallie mae thinks i can pay $1,000 a month towards my student loans. i cant, so they have put me in forb. and call me daily to remind me i am delinquent. fuck you, sallie mae. fuck you.-my mom guilt tripping me and nagging me about the way i look.-one of my jobs, but i'll keep which to myself. basically, i think its insane that i still work there for what i make/what i do. but, i need the money. so. i guess i cant complain too much.-when people disappear off the face of the planet/from your life. its happened to me a few times, including recently. i think its rude and selfish.-the fight for financial freedom. not to be whiny, but being in NY made this hard for me. i never really knew the difference, but now that nearly everyone i know has money (or is at least doing OK) its hard to be happy with just getting by. i wish i could (for just like one week) know what its like to not have to spend ten minutes deciding if i can afford coffee on the way to work.

11.05.2007

just got home late from UO and have a bunch of emails from one of my editors. needs a story ASAP, which means im going to be up late and then getting up early again in the morning for UO. yuck. good thing i get plenty of sleep most days. :)i shouldnt whine at all. but i just dont know if this HT thing is worth it sometimes. i feel like its always bad timing with them...

tonight i kept thinking about how i think i scare people off. like, i think i come off as kinda shy/maybe a bitch. neither is true, im just quiet. but then i think that (sometimes) once people get to know me they like me and THEN i scare them off. because i talk constantly and im so passionate and all over the place. its like i try to stay quiet as not to scare people but then i come out of the box like a crazy person and they run away.

sigh. i dont know if that even makes sense anywhere but in my head but i feel like it happens a lot. i meet someone, i click with them and then they disappear. and one of my greatest fears is bugging people because i had a friend "break up" with me because she said i had too much going on in my brain. i constantly tell myself to chill out....eh, whatever. im crazy and i like it.