Sunday, June 3, 2012

disjointed ode to grace

I find grace hard to accept...especially when my works are so very very low.
diving between responsibilities...I am left with very little to show for my side of our relationship.
I catch up on the daily reading that I miss through the week. whisper a prayer on the ride to work, and hope it's enough...but it doesn't feel like it is. I sit with this feeling and the dryness of the moment. I realize this is it. this is when I need grace. not when I have days off and get to attend church and stand high on the mountain of faith. no. this. this period is where I falteringly need grace.
I look into the very real possibility that the next six months of my life I will not be able to attend community on Sunday. I will not have corporate worship. I whisper a heart prayer and repent in advance for the dryness I feel coming. a whisper returns. grace. little. small. yielding. grace.
bigger than my inability to attend a gathering. quieter than the roar of my thoughts. grace. it will have to be enough. it will have to be. Enough.
then it hits me. My prayers! "God help me to live with 'enough'". little did I know. enough.
grace will have to be enough this year. I will have to trust that I can be loved by him when I cannot do physical works. I will have to trust that my God is with me...even when I cannot grace what I have seen to be his physical dwelling place. because after all...am I not his physical dwelling place. and after all...is HE not enough to sustain me in the midst of responsibility? grace.
like a raging water that washes over my raging thoughts and sins that I feel ashamed of and try my very very best to not replicate day after...
isn't that the point again? trying. I'll try all day, all year long and I'll never be good enough...because it's not in the trying...it's the releasing...it's in the trusting...it's in the submission...it's in the giving up of the disjointedness of my life and my will and releasing my humanity to someone bigger than me...God...
grace.
heavenly grace.
it appears in the form of pink clouds fluffed and willowy...and I think to myself..."who am I?"
that you. you. God of majesty and grace. you are mindful of me: a constant dweller of deservement of more in the face of your supreme goodness.
me: a constant "I will accomplish more." instead of "I will pursue you." more.
Alpha.
Omega.
beginning and ending of me. Oh graceful one.
how I love thee.
how I delight when in the moment of sleepless agony. tortured mind that I sometimes become...when you whisper into my heart...brief...small...but spoken nonetheless...
how I find peace in the structure of your word.
how low I feel when stripped bare before you.
oh graceful, good one. let me approach you once more.
may I climb into your presence?
may I curl at your feet?
may I lay down the strength I must carry day after day and just be yours?
forever faithful. friend. I do not ever deserve such glorious displays of love...yet you paint my world again.
Father. forgive me. humanity consumed and burned like a flaming fire in the night. I am yours. again. broken to be molded. humbled to be helped. cracked to be created. I'm thine. grace.

Royal Wreck

So I am...a Royal Wreck...I do not profess to have it all together. What makes it Royal is that I'm quite in touch with a Savior that keeps me humbled in this life and utterly grateful for each moment that I'm blessed to enjoy. 2 girls. 1 cat. All of us in school. All of us continuously growing up. It's a ride...and I love it!