The someone I am, in spite of infertility, recurrent miscarriage and failed adoption - and now, the adoption of our son

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Remember Me

On the lifestyle change front, I have lost 6 pounds!! Today marks the beginning of Phase 1. I made it through the reset, which was a 14 day carb-free fest. I begin the exercising today......oh no. A little nervous, but I'm ready to give it a try. I also get to add back in a few select carbs. I got to eat Fib$er One this morning in coconut milk! Never have I been so glad to eat a cereal, much less a healthy one like this. Who knew? And I get to have some brown rice tonight.

On the rest-of-my-life front.....sigh. I just found out my closest church friend is pregnant. She was my one, well let's just say, person who still got it that I saw at Sunday school each week. She did foster parenting for awhile, taking care of a 4 year old and 2 year old for about 7 months last year. They ultimately were returned to the birth mom due to a change in Alabama state law. To save money, our state no longer performs drug tests on DHR cases. This means that drug abuse alone is no longer a reason to remove a child from the home. SO sad. Drugs are a benchmark of poor choices in the home, and yet in the name of money, we no longer acknowledge that. It's a development that begs for prayer and reconsideration, in my opinion.

This friend has PCOS, which is an overall much more treatable diagnosis than mine in the realm of infertility. So I knew this day would come - I just didn't expect it to come so SOON. I've lost friends over this, and this time, I prayed, Lord please don't let that happen. Even though my heart really could not be more broken than it is right now, and I feel like the face of the Lord is turned away from me (though I know this is not true), I don't want to lose her friendship. Satan has taken and continues to take from me, but I won't let him take this.

My friend did a series of IUIs (not sure how many), so she did have to see an RE for a time. They had taken a break from treatment when they decided to pursue foster parenting. This requires a lot of training, and they had hoped to adopt these 2 children. They found out right before Christmas that the children had to be returned to the birth mom, so we had both had an AWFUL Christmas together. All 4 of us had gone out to eat for New Year's Eve, and we watched the National Championship game together. She and her DH were kind of our go-to people, so it hurts. Needless to say, this is going to be right in my face for a long, long time. And I'm not looking forward to it.

The two of us did talk at Sunday school on Sunday. I have to credit her for coming up to me. I was just too sad to approach her. It might sound odd, but the truth is, the depth of my sadness actually reflects just how happy I am for her. I KNOW how much this means to her. And I know how much it would mean to me. Hence the tremendous sadness. I told her that I don't want to lose our friendship, and she said she didn't want to either. I told her I had lost friends over this, and "I think the reason I did is that neither one of us realized we could be this honest with each other. It takes a lot of courage and honesty to talk to each other like we are." She agreed. I told her I want to know how you are - so I can pray. But I cannot know the details. She nodded. I felt bad, but I know my heart cannot take it.

This is all new to me. The crushing disappointments, the encroaching despair, the desire of my heart landing right beside me, and I mean RIGHT beside me. My soul is disturbed within me. Has my God forgotten me? I know the answer is no, but it feels like the answer is yes. I have been reading and re-reading the story of Hannah. My prayer is that my Lord will remember me 1 Samuel 1:11. My Lord, please remember your daughter. Please remember me.

2 comments:

I'm so so so very sorry! I've been in this situation and I too have lost friends and I too have been brutally honest and born my pain openly and seen friendships survive. I wish I had words of wisdom, but really you said them, you just must be honest! How I wish I could take this pain from you or had a magic potion that would erase it all. I'm just sorry!

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When you are joyful, be joyful; when you are sad, be sad. If God has given you a sweet cup, don’t make it bitter; and if He has given you a bitter cup, don’t try and make it sweet; take things as they come. Shade of His Hand, 1226 L, Oswald Chambers