31 apologies you should make to your bartender

Ready to go from “guy who goes to bars” to “regular who’s in it for the long haul”? The first step is to man up and apologize to every bartender you’ve ever had for all the terrible things you’ve ever done. If any of these apply to you (we’ve all done some of them), hug your nearest bartender and say “I’m so, so sorry”.

1. I’m sorry I complained that my tab too accurately reflected the exact amount of alcohol I had ordered.
2. I’m sorry I expected to receive special treatment all night after sliding you not quite enough money for an egg salad sandwich from Starbucks.
3. I’m sorry I kept saying “Sorry!” for blocking the service station but never really moved out of the way.
4. I’m sorry I made out with that girl.
5. I’m sorry I made out with that girl several more times.

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6. I’m sorry I ordered Cabernet in a bar and then made an icky face like I expected it to be good.
7. I’m sorry I got upset that you didn’t have Red Bull.
8. I’m sorry I ordered that bourbon in a voice that implied I knew way more about bourbon than the average bourbon consumer.
9. I’m sorry I promised to tip you big next time to make up for not having any cash and then didn’t come in for three weeks and just hoped you’d forgotten.

10. I’m sorry I tried to shoot my soiled napkin into the trash can behind the bar like a filthy little basketball.
11. I’m sorry I implied that the reason you declined to take shots with me and five dudes from my office was that you were afraid.
12. I’m sorry I told you my drink was too strong. Who does that?

13. I’m sorry I put $7 on my credit card; in retrospect, your bar’s $2 ATM fee isn’t that outrageous.
14. I’m sorry I have to hear “Do you want to leave it open?” four times before it stops sounding like “Doo-wop leaf me hoping?”
15. I’m sorry I insisted you still had my credit card -- I actually found it later!
16. I’m sorry I ordered a… and a… and a… what did you want again Cheryl?

17. I’m sorry I laid your tip down in the wet spot.
18. I’m sorry I brought in that creep. To be honest I’m not really even friends with him.
19. I’m sorry I assumed your hotness would prevent you from making me a good drink. It was delicious.
20. I’m not sorry I asked you out (I’d just read “50 Awesome Quotes That Will Inspire You To Take That Risk”, so I had no choice), but I am sorry I made it totally weird after you said no.

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21. I'm sorry I made it seem as if you had something to do with my chicken fingers sucking -- it’s not like you made the chicken fingers or chose the chicken finger supplier.
22. I’m sorry I just stood there hoping nobody heard that bottle break then acted like I had nothing to do with it when the busboy came to clean it up.
23. I’m sorry for treating “no smoking” like a guideline instead of a rule.

24. I’m sorry I made you break out the muddler instead of more reasonable implements.
25. I’m sorry I walked in and then immediately walked out because there “weren’t enough chicks” (if it’s any consolation, I never found chicks).

26. I’m sorry I assumed you wouldn’t notice two people entering the single-stall bathroom and no people leaving the single-stall bathroom.
27. I'm sorry you still wake up in a pool of sweat from nightmares about what went down in that bathroom.

29. I’m sorry I asked you to put on the Duke game.
30. I’m sorry for making you listen to the most predictable song on your jukebox for the 150,000th time.
31. I’m sorry I never caught the subliminal message hidden deep inside Semisonic’s “Closing Time”.

Special thanks to Carl and everyone at Whiskey Town. You guys party rock.