In Which, I Address the Underfolk

Four blog entries in four days? What madness is this? I haven’t checked, but I’m fairly positive that this must be some kind of record. I just might be the greatest internet blogger of all time!

And A. Lee Martinez wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer…

So I’ve just heard through the grapevine that Dreamworks has optioned Monsterpocalypse. By the Divine Energon of The Mighty Robot King, why am I just hearing about this now? More importantly, why am I not involved in this project? I have a decent relationship with Dreamworks. I’ve written a few things here and there for them. At the very least, I should be involved in the development. Didn’t I just recently tweet about how I’d love to do a kaiju themed project with them? And haven’t I mentioned how awesome I think Monsterpocalypse is? Am I not the perfect guy for this? Well, that’s fine. I’m just happy that someone is going to make something out of the kaiju goodness that is Monsterpocalypse.

But if anyone options Heroscape . . . I better get a phone call. Or it won’t be pretty.

How about that most recent episode of House? What was your favorite part? It’s so hard for me to decide. I liked that part where House was a jerk to everyone, but the part where they put the patient in the scanning machine and everyhing went kerflooey was pretty awesome too. And could you believe that House said that? What a character! Of course, I think my favorite part had to be the ending montage where everyone looks thoughtful while an appropriately poppy song is playing in the background.

Some people think CSI: Miami has the best Everyone Looks Thoughtful While Music Plays episode endings, but those people haven’t watched House. Not since Baywatch has the art of the musical montage in place of character development been so expertly applied.

I like to end my week with my own personal music montage. I’ll usually pick a random song found on Pandora.com, and just see where it goes. It really helps put a cap on my experiences. I’ll sit in a poorly lit room, perhaps furrowing my brow, perhaps frowning as I contemplate just life in general. The key is to employ the correct subtext based on the song.

If the song is slow and sad, then I try to dwell on the disappointments of the week, but if it’s sweet and poppy, then I usually get up about halfway through the song, turn on the lights, and smile in that It’s gonna be all right way. And if it’s punk rock, I throw over the furniture and jump around. It’s hard to thrash meaningfully, but I think I’ve had enough practice to make it work.

In addition to musical montage moments, I like to make things explode. But I do that cool guy thing where I don’t look at the explosions. I just light the fuse, walk away, and don’t look back. Because I’m cool like that.

I also like to pick fights with ambassadors because they have diplomatic immunity, and there’s nothing quite as satisfying as punching someone while shouting “It’s just been revoked!”

I wouldn’t recommend you doing these things though. Remember, I’m famous, and as such, I’m allowed to do stuff like this. A lot of people think that’s because of The Bill of Rights, but it’s actually in the Magna Carta. Look it up.

The Bill of Rights does give me dibs on jetpacks over the non-famous (or underfolks as the Founders like to say). So when the jetpacks come along, and you have to wait for yours, just realize that it’s your own fault for not getting paid to make up stories. Don’t blame me.

I like how they say, “This test might kill him,” but it never does. And it doesn’t matter if people are having a stroke, spewing blood, or having a heart attack, the doctors always manage to stabilize the patients. It’s easy to do a Top ten of unrealistic occurences on House.