Sunday, May 20, 2012

· Through Waves' Recording Log - Part X ·

I had plans to make available the sound and video recordings of the little recital I held in my home, last night. But here is what I have to say about it, and why my decision against it shall prevail.

I have, from time to time, a strong desire to perform. It is a musician drive, I believe, because it is somewhat of a “completion” of the entire process of conceiving/receiving a piece, and eventually recording it. Even I, with all my usual objections to stay in front of other people and play my instruments, admit that. It is bigger than me. That is why sometimes I perform a little “live in-studio” video, or my infamous “yearly performances”.

I am much too shy. My close friends would probably tell you I’m a clown, though, because I always seem to be able to make them laugh with whatever I have to say. But the truth is, I’m no show pony. I’m ashamed, utterly ashamed, inexorably ashamed of playing my songs. They are far too personal, obviously, and my usual speech of “performing live a song that is already recorded is useless, because that scar is closed and healed with the end of the recording, so why would I touch it again?!” couldn’t be more right. Live music is not my thing. It never was. And I’m afraid it will never be, not as long as music is therapy, and other thing it cannot be. Through Waves exists to make possible for the rest of my existence to be, and if it is shifted into something else, it is no longer honest and pure. I must retain its purity. And in this context of “purity”, I am no longer ashamed, because that is how it was supposed to be in the world (and that is why I share music: they deserve to be out there).

My art is in a constant evolution. Go listen for yourself, everything I have released before 2011 sounds entirely horrible, and I stand by every second of them. At the time, it was everything I could do by myself, and that, my friend, is true honesty. I would never re-record them or re-master them, for many reasons, one being that the very “essence” of what those pieces signify would be ruined.

Much like a “live version” of them.

Being in constant evolution, Through Waves’ music turned out to be a slightly more “multi-layered” project, and that obviously cannot be rendered fully in a context in which I am alone, playing one instrument at a time. As much as I tend to despise my previous works for the aforementioned reasons, I still CANNOT be an insensitive prick and disregard their need for RESPECT, and turn them into something they ARE NOT. My music is registered, it is not “happening” in front of your eyes and ears, and every single time I tried to do so resulted in an ultimate failure. All those Youtube videos are proof of that. It is not only painful to revisit all the feelings that culminated into the creation of those pieces; it is actually a painful experience to listen to them being shred apart like that, stripped to the bare bones, just because I also feel a small, but highly annoying need of “playing live”. I feel so, so bad for believing each year that “this time might be different”, because it is not. It never was. No wonder I get sick before or after the little concerts happen. And yet I kept doing them, even when friends tell me “you said that last year’s would be the last one…”.

I do not know whether things will turn out to be different in the future, as I can’t be sure of what Through Waves will face ahead. But I am finally convinced that it deserves something far better than this, or nothing at all. A proper concert, or none ever again. And don’t even try to suggest me to “perform at bars”. That is insulting.

That all being said, I feel I should apologize to the few listeners of last night, for what turned out to be the worse live concert I have ever made, and rest assure that the presence of each one of you saved the night from being a complete disaster. You are always fantastic, and I thank you very much for the patience, support and understanding. I’m sorry for giving you something incomplete, crooked and untrue.

I hope that the music of “Santuário” won’t need to suffer the painful blows I have been administering to the songs of my previous works. It is far too SACRED and ENCHANTED for that. I hope I finally learned my lesson. I should know better.
Fondly,