Q & A Wednesday: Why hasn’t he called after sex?

I have been divorced for ten years and just started dating again. I had a third date with a guy I really like, Alan, on Saturday. We went hiking for a few hours, came back to my house, eventually had sex for the first time, then went out to a movie. When we drove back to my house, he just walked me in and left quickly. It was ok that he was leaving. It just happened a bit abruptly. I thought he might call on Sunday, but when he didn’t, I sent him a quick email. I guess I expected a bit more on the return email. He didn’t mention anything about our date, or talking again, or asking me out again. So my 16-year-old self is telling me that he doesn’t really like me and I might have made a big mistake. Should I wait and see if he calls again or email him again? I hate playing these stupid dating games!

Mary

Dear Mary,

Congratulations on finally having the courage to date again after your very long hiatus. And congrats on having sex again. Two big hurdles to cross.

While Alan seems like a bit of a jerk for not following up after an intimate day with you, there’s also the chance that he’s a good guy and is just being a guy. There are a few things you did that may have ruined your chances with Alan.

First, while there are no hard and fast rules in dating, there are some basic tenets that I teach my clients. These are all connected to self-respect and setting your own boundaries.

The first time to have sex with someone you care about and want to be in an exclusive relationship with can run the gamut from a first date to three months in – or longer. It depends on many factors. To me, the most important factor is exclusivity.

It’s okay to be ‘sexual’ with a guy you like, but full out sex is reserved for a time when you both decide to be exclusive. If you’re not on the same page in a relationship, one of you is bound to get hurt.

So, if you really like Alan, you jumped in too quickly.

Men come to relationships for sex and find love along the way, sometimes by accident!

Women come to relationships for love and find sex along the way.

For the most part, women want to know that a guy cares about them after sex. When you give it away too quickly, he gets the prize he’s hunting, and he might be done with the chase. A man like Alan is on to the next hunt.

The other thing you did that I recommend against doing is emailing him the next day when you didn’t hear from him first.

While it may seem like a ‘game’ to you, it’s actually not a game. It’s common sense. You come across as needy when you email or text a guy first.

It may seem counter to the feminist movement to be passive, and I’m not advocating for you to give up your strength as a woman.

What I am telling you is that these guidelines work. It’s part of mens’ DNA to be hunters. As gatherers, our job is to be receptive.

He calls, you answer. He emails, you respond.

He asks you out, you say yes.

He wants sex, you tell the next guy something along these lines:

“I am really attracted to you and look forward to having sex with you. I only have sex with men after we are exclusive. I don’t want to pressure you in any way. In fact, I am not sure where the relationship is going, either. For now, there’s plenty we can do without having sex. I think you’re hot!”

So, Mary, you can keep doing what you’re doing. Or, you can develop your standards around sex and relationships. To me, that’s not a game at all. It’s common sense, and it will more likely lead to you finding a man who respects and loves you.

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