Terrorists Clamor To Apply For US ‘Power Vacuum Sweepstakes’

THE PENTAGON — Terrorist groups around the world will no longer wait in suspense to learn if their regimes will be toppled for them by the United States, allowing their otherwise under-supplied and untrained forces to seize power almost effortlessly. According to the State Department, the United States is opening a “Power Vacuum Sweepstakes,” in which terrorists can compete to have their country’s government forcibly removed by uncoordinated airstrikes.

“War is expensive,” State Department spokesman Adm. John Kirby said. “History has shown that the cheapest and most efficient way to cause a country to implode is to lob munitions from a distance. However, if the United States is going to continually hand entire populations over to indigenous terrorist groups by way of the massive power vacuum this strategy creates, it’s time we start setting some standards.”

The contest, which, according to Secretary of State John Kerry, is open to “all ethnicities and religious backgrounds in the spirit of equality,” consists of a multi-tiered application process, in which terrorist groups explain why their particular backwards, corrupt government should be JDAMed into obscurity first.

Reactions to the contest were mixed. Some groups took to it almost immediately — an unnamed, masked individual believed to be from Boko Haram tweeted a picture of himself holding a gasoline canister.

“Oil production! #1 in Africa, #6 in the world!” read the hastily constructed sign he was also holding.

“We want to emphasize that the primary criteria is not oil,” Secretary Kerry continued after similar pictures showed up from other terrorist groups. “The lengthy and detailed section on your country’s oil production is there only to help us, um, develop worldwide economical benchmarks.”

While smaller terrorist groups seem to have taken to the contest with vigor, the same can not be said for larger, pan-regional groups such as ISIS.

“We are issuing a fatwa against this contest,” ISIS Imam Ali Abu Hassan said while shaking a sword at the camera. “America’s attention span is like that of a child’s. They should not move on to other regions before making sure that they have completely and totally given the oldest nation in history to terrorists. Also I think I saw Saddam’s brother the other day hiding in an Iraqi security checkpoint at the following coordinates … He also had a bottle of chemical weapons.”

Some terrorist groups like the concept of the contest, but disagree with the criteria by which their corrupt regimes will be measured.

“It’s not fair that countries that are easily accessible by aircraft carriers get priority,” Wadel Abdelkader Kamougué, vice-president of the Chadian People’s Revolutionary Movement said. “It’s not our fault that when the French randomly drew our borders they made us landlocked in the middle of the second biggest continent on Earth. Doesn’t America have long range missiles?”

Other criteria include whether or not the country has any air defenses made after 1965, whether it would incur a Russian counterattack, and whether or not the applying terrorist group promises not to behead people.

An excerpt from the application.

According to a member of the State Department who spoke on the condition of anonymity, applications in which the United States was itself the target had already been received from PETA, the ACLU, and one member of Occupy Wall Street who was unable to remember his own name.

“We’re obviously not going to blow ourselves up,” the representative said. “Unless, uh, wait. Do we have oil?”

CAMP ARMSTRONG, The Moon – Countless back-and-forth shuttle convoys have become the norm as troopers take on the herculean task of standing up the first Space Force moon base. To better prepare future space troopers, pioneers from the First Brigade Space Combat Team (1BSCT) have offered their valuable observations and tips on their workhorse transport shuttle.

Meet the S1078 Lunar Military Transport Vehicle (SLMTV):

Many aspects of the SLMTV should be familiar to anyone with prior military experience. The similarities were designed to ensure that enlisted troopers with a traditional diver’s license could become certified with minimal training. While the SLMTV appears to only have minor cosmetic differences compared to the terrestrial variant, there are some major upgrades:

– AM/FM radio with compact disc player (10-second skip protection)

– Hybrid electrogravitic/space diesel engine technology

– Dual climate control (cabin only; rear has two settings—95°F or 45°F)

– Tractor beam winch and trailer hitch

– Auto-extending, rear loading ramp

– Interior, artificial gravity system

Notes from the field: Initially, the auto-extending loading ramp appeared to eliminate the injury risk from personnel climbing into or jumping out of a tall shuttle bed. When wearing spacesuits, however, the ramp is too narrow and troopers are just as likely to injure their ankles with a slip. Additionally, there’s no way to deactivate the auto-extending ramp, even in space, which poses a bigger hazard if floating troopers exit at the wrong angle.

Another issue brought up by 1BCT troopers is the artificial gravity system. The exterior, Boeing-designed sensors are prone to malfunction. An object impact to a thruster from any space debris larger than a potato (or a jettisoned, urine-filled Gatorade bottle in one case) can cause a sudden gravitational reversal which is the equivalent of a vehicle rollover.

In times of emergency, troopers have also observed that regular diesel fuel works exactly the same as the exponentially more expensive space diesel. Some even claim that regular diesel actually improves SLMTV performance.

To prevent theft, many units have spray painted their colors and stenciled their vehicle numbers onto their BII. In the event BII goes missing, units can simply “field procure” items from a nearby shuttlepool and re-paint/re-stencil as required.

Opinion: If you call your spouse Household 6, I get to call your divorce a change of command

Look, I get it. You love the Army and you want to bring everything about it into your daily life. I’ve been there. When I was in high school I got way into “Trainspotting” and started calling my friends “mates.” I was like 14, but whatever, I’m not here to judge. What I’m saying is we all do stupid stuff we aren’t proud of later.

So if you want to call your wife Household 6 you go right ahead. If you want to talk about needing to check “the training schedule” when someone asks you what you’re doing this weekend or discuss an “exfil plan” from the bar, that’s your prerogative. I won’t even call you a douchebag for it. At least not loud enough that you can hear me.

But you need to know that the use of military lingo doesn’t end when the good times in your marriage do. You need to know that if you call your spouse Household 6, I get to call your divorce a change of command.

Not only that, but I am going to ask you questions like whether she’s “already checking out a new unit” or “hopped on some Rear-D while you were deployed” or even if I can get a video of her doing some “partner assisted PT.” It’s only logical for me to deal with your loss by throwing something you did that annoyed me back in your face, and the commander of your household leaving the scene is a perfect opportunity. So I’ll ask you these things and more because the opportunities are pretty much endless no matter the reason you and your significant other elected to cut slingload on holy matrimony.

And let’s be honest, the first time I ask you if she used to be a drill sergeant because I hear she’s been smoking privates, you’re going to get mad. That’s natural. But I hope you can appreciate the fact that I put up with you and your slang equivalent of a high and tight by telling me you “take all commands from the tower” when talking about your wife.

Also, don’t be surprised if I insist on treating your divorce like an actual change of command ceremony. If I know the time and place you’re getting this done, you had better believe I’ll print out programs, and that I’m going to be there in uniform, with the guidon, 30 minutes early. And you absolutely need to be aware that I’ll be expecting to hear a speech, eat some Costco sheet cake, and get released for the rest of the day.

“These are without a doubt the worst batch of bombs I’ve ever purchased,” said ISIS fighter, Mo Deaver, who planted a dozen ‘Fresh Car Blast’ bath bombs in the battlefield. “Not a single one went off — not one. Absolute rubbish.”

At the National Ground Intelligence Center in Virginia, Army Lt. Col. Brian Curry has been overseeing a team of foreign technology experts as they scramble to understand the new rainbow-colored threats that have been popping up.

“We haven’t yet determined the exact composition of the recovered samples, but we did have a recent breakthrough,” said Curry. “A lieutenant accidentally spilled some water on one, which triggered a chemical reaction and an offensively fruity odor. The LT has since been quarantined until the long term affects can be assessed.”

The decision to work and save money wasn’t entirely Hoda’s choice but complications surfaced after she discovered that America was less than supportive of her decision to join a foreign terrorist organization committed to destroying the United States.

“I don’t think the U.S. is going to hook me up with a free ticket.” Hoda shook her head. “But hey, on the bright side I’m becoming more independent. When I fly back to Alabama, it’ll be on my own terms. Roll tide!”

ISIS leader has volunteers for suicide bombings but no one will read his screenplay

HAJIN, Syria – In the last 6 years, ISIS leader Abu Omar al-Baghdadi has called for jihad, death to westerners, and martyrdom, but al-Baghdadi now faces his most ambition request so far: notes on his new screenplay, sources confirmed today.

“A Terrorist and a Gentleman” is al-Baghdadi’s first attempt at writing drama. He describes the work as a struggle between the experiential and narrative self that asks “what does it mean to be a terrorist in the 21st century?” He called his work the “‘Casablanca’ of the Arab world,” in an online video.

Unfortunately, that claim has gone unchallenged. After widespread calls for followers to take up 180 pages of heavy dialogue and exposition, al-Baghdadi has not received a single call or email.

“I haven’t read it,’ said a new recruit who asked not to use his name. “I’m not saying I won’t, I just don’t know if I’m going to have time between now and killing myself.”

“Come on just read it,” replied al-Baghdadi when asked for comment. “Seriously, I can take it. I know its good, so you’re not going to hurt my feelings. Just please read it?”

Several ISIS prisoners were offered time outside and extra rations on the condition that they provided constructive criticism. All prisoners responded with name, rank, service number and date of birth.

Duffel Blog Presents: 5 tips for a killer beach body

Winter can be full of holiday parties, lazy snow days on the couch, and a few too many glasses of eggnog. Don’t get too comfortable, though, because spring is just around the corner! Are you ready for sand and sun? As you get ready for that big trip to Normandy or Tarawa, Duffel Blog is here to help you with 5 great tips for getting a killer beach body.

Massing Firepower

Workin’ it is more fun with friends! When you hit that beach, your kill count will be higher with an array of direct and indirect fires. Give that killer beach body the love it deserves with a classic crew-served weapon like a sleek ma deuce. Suppressive fire is a great warm up for closing in and destroying your enemies in close contact.

Battle Drill 1A

There are a lot of fancy sounding boutique exercises out there, but when getting ready for an action-packed day on the beach, you can’t do better than getting back to basics with battle drill 1A. Movement to contact or deliberate hasty assault? Either way you’ll be ready for anything by keeping it tight with actions on the objective. Get it together with eight of your hottie friends and make everyone in the amphibious assault jealous of your #SquadGoals.

A Grappling Hook

Nonstop cardio will only get you so far. For the rockiest outcrops, try a large grappling hook. Postcard beaches may be smooth and sandy, but Pointe Du Hoc looks like a rock climbing gym without the crag bunnies to belay. Not only is this a killer core workout, there’s also a machine gun nest full of krauts at the top to neutralize. Not enough? Look into a Bangalore torpedo to kick your landing up a notch.

Have a goal in mind

Getting a killer beach body is easier if you have a role model. Find someone you idealize, like Pvt. Carlton W. Barrett, who was forced to wade ashore in neck deep water on D-day and returned to the beach repeatedly to assist causalities to an offshore boat and help others to shore while floundering in the rough surf–all while being pinned down by German mortar and machine gun fire. Paste a picture of Barrett to the inside of your gym locker, and before every workout say, “today’s time on the elliptical is dedicated to your coolness and natural leadership under direct fire.” Look at yourself in the mirror while you’re lifting, and say, “Looking more like Carlton every day.”

Dehumanizing the enemy

You can be physically fit, but making that toned body a killer body is all about the mindset. One helpful tip is to dehumanize the enemy. Practice these visualization drills on your landing craft: see your enemy in an exaggerated, mutated form, then give them a callous nickname. Remember, a killer beach body takes some work, but you can’t argue with the results.

DTRA major wears his uniform for the first time in five years

FORT BELVOIR, Va. – Surprise and confusion occurred at the Defense Threat Reduction Agency (DTRA) headquarters when Army Maj. Greg Tomlinson wore his uniform for the first time in as long as any employee there can remember, sources confirmed today.

“Wearing it felt weird,” Tomlinson said. “I’ve gained some weight, so I had to suck in the old gut a bit. I doubt anybody noticed.”

As at most commands and activities, DTRA policy requires military personnel to wear their uniforms regularly. However, Tomlinson chose a path that could be considered unorthodox.

“I like to look sharp, and that’s almost impossible in that ugly-ass mashup of camouflage and velcro called the Army Combat Uniform,” Tomlinson said. “So I bought some blazers from J. Crew and ditched the ACUs. The last time I wore a uniform was on Veterans Day in 2013 to get 30 percent off at Denny’s.”

“But this month I got a wild hair and decided to break out the ACUs,” Tomlinson said. “I found them in an old aviator kit bag in the basement next to the cat’s litter box. My rank badge was stuck into the family cork board, holding up the school lunch schedule and some coupons for KFC. My beret was in our son’s toy box, and how it got there is anybody’s guess. Kids!”

Personnel at DTRA showed a variety of reactions to seeing Tomlinson in uniform. Sgt. Greg Gomez, administrative NCO in Tomlinson’s division, mistook the major for a newly arriving officer.

“I scheduled him for a newcomer’s briefing and the next unit weigh-in and PT test,” Gomez said.

“It was a little odd that they scheduled me for a newcomer’s briefing, but I attended anyhow and learned a lot, like that it’s policy for military personnel to wear their uniforms weekly. Who knew?” said Tomlinson.

“If he’s going to sham out on the uniform, he should at least get a clue about style,” said Staff Sgt. Rachel Bailey. “He acts all ‘Mr. Fashion’ in his J. Crew outfits but in reality, Tommy fucking Hilfiger here can’t match a tie to a shirt to save his life.”

Wearing the uniform resulted in distinct changes in how people perceived Tomlinson and his role in DTRA activities.

“Nobody bothered me when I wore civilian clothes, said Tomlinson. “Maybe my identity was ambiguous, or people thought I was a senior warrant officer. Now that they know I’m a major, everybody keeps asking for help with their PowerPoint presentations as if I’m some kind of PowerPoint expert! Actually, I am a PowerPoint expert, so its really okay.”

Tomlinson’s return to the uniform may also have unintended consequences for other officers at DTRA headquarters.

“I thought he was your typical civilian with an over-inflated ego and a limited duty day,” Thomas Bowles, a senior executive, said. “Now I know he’s actually your typical major with an over-inflated ego. I’m going to see if we have other field grade officers masquerading as civilians. We make a lot of PowerPoint presentations here, so we need all the majors we can get.”

Departing for the day, Tomlinson said he intended to “devote some serious time” to getting rock hard abs. And finding his PT uniform.

Are millennials killing the aimless, protracted war industry?

Have we reached the end of publicly-supported, mutli-decade wars that have no estimable completion deadline and no clear-cut objectives? Now that they’re done ruining the turkey industry, it appears that millennials have found another staple of the American economy to kill.

Recent polls conducted by Stanford University have indicated that youth born between the years of 1982 and 2004 widely oppose the invasion of foreign nations on shaky premises. Despite the rise in sales of Support Our Troops bumper stickers and tactical gear being 20 percent off at FireForEffect.com, it seems like young people just aren’t interested in following the previous generations’ footsteps.

DuffelBlog took to the streets of Portland to meet some of these millennials. The conversations were edifying, and perhaps a little frightening.

Josiah Denter, a budding wine grape taxonomist, graciously put his plans for not buying a house and not having children on hold to talk to Duffel Blog. He seemed alarmingly unconcerned about the health of the protracted war industry.

“I mean, I guess drones are cool and all. But I prefer using them to take selfies during a three day nature cleanse in Joshua Tree National Park. Not, like, hellfire missiles and stuff,” Denter said.

The U.S. defense budget increased from $664 billion to $688 billion from 2017 to 2018 – a 3 percent increase. That may sound like the war industry is booming, but it’s actually down from the 2016 to 2017 change, which was nearly an 11 percent increase. The blame for the missing 8 percent can be placed firmly at the feet of young people who no longer enjoy spending their adult lives in moral gray areas.

Millennials, however, aren’t taking the finger-pointing lying down. Many of them believe that their lack of support for wars old enough to be their fathers is due to an increasingly polarized economic system, designed to keep wealth at the top 1 percent and shrink the size of the middle class.

“I can’t invade a foreign country until the minimum wage achieves parity with inflation and the purchasing power of the dollar,” local niche scatological artist Sarah Alshaz said on her Twitch channel, which, combined with her Patreon, is her only source of income. “I also have nearly three hundred thousand dollars of school loans to pay off. Liberal arts degrees from Ivy League schools are expensive. We just can’t afford war like the baby boomers, who could conduct a land war in Europe on a single income with a pension.”

It’s a problem of outreach, according to recruitment specialists. The armed forces are trying to target millennials in hopes they can convince them that a small Middle Eastern country using dial-up internet is worth bombing with ordnance worth more than its GDP, but success has been minimal.

“We tried that,” Maj. Lindsey Wilkinson, a Strategic Command spokesperson, said in a blog article. “It backfired. It seems like no matter how we hashtag something, the droves of millennials on social media just aren’t ready to do what it takes to embroil the United States in long, drawn-out conflicts with no clear objectives. I believe America has seen its best days.”

Even after examining the statistics, the fate of the endless war industry has yet to be determined. But, if millennials have anything to say about it, the war in Afghanistan – and others like it – may only extend to 2035.

Captain Li Shang relieved of command for toxic masculinity

CHANGCHUN, China — The Chinese Army relieved a decorated army officer and son of legendary Gen. Li of his command position after details were leaked that the promising young officer had “fostered a command climate of toxic masculinity,” sources confirmed today.

While training recruits for war against the invading Hun Army, Capt. Shang reportedly abused his primarily male recruits, asking if their families had sent daughters when he’d asked for sons. Several of Li’s troops have come forward with allegations against him, and many more anonymous complaints have been received by Imperial Headquarters.

Li screamed at his troops to “be a man” no less than nine times, according to eyewitnesses. Several other reports claim he told the trainees he would “make a man out of them.”

Imperial advisor Chi Fu was appointed to investigate the claims, a decision met with criticism. One recruit, Fa Ping, has reported that Chi is equally misogynistic in his regular professional conduct. Despite the criticism and expectations that the investigation would quickly exonerate the captain, Chi claims to have already found staggering evidence of an anti-woman command culture.

“The captain and troops have accused me of squealing like a girl, revealing what is clearly a culture of systemic misogyny,” said Chi Fu. “And that’s only what I experienced directly. I have heard whispers that Shang would be willing to execute a woman simply for joining the army, which I would have no part of. I am completely loyal to the emperor’s intersectional guidance plan and believe that our strength is not in what’s considered ‘manly,’ but rather diversity.”

The toxic masculinity scandal has rocked the Chinese Army particularly hard as it comes on the heels of a sensational report that claims nearly 100 percent of the troops were the same race, dipping readiness far below necessary levels. The one silver lining according to that report was that the army had exactly zero white people, a welcome statistic.

In response to the investigation’s initial findings, Imperial Headquarters has decided to put Li Shang on unpaid administrative leave and send his recruits home with service waivers.

At press time, all parties involved were seen being assimilated into Hun culture.