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Nov 26, 2016

60 Movies I Will Never See

There are 6 basic emotions, 1 positive (happiness), 3 negative (sadness, anger, and disgust), and 2 which could be either (surprise, fear) The function of a movie, book, song, or other work of art is to elicit positive emotions, to make the audience feel better after viewing than they did before.

So I don't understand movies that deliberately elicit sadness, anger, or disgust. Why would anyone want to watch something that makes you feel bad? Don't you get enough bad feelings in real life?

Here are 60 movies that I will never see, or that I saw and regretted.

No dying of long, slow, debilitating diseases. With scenes of yelling at doctors, reconciling with estranged relatives, sobbing, sobbing, sobbing, and holding hands on death beds.1. Terms of Endearment (1983)2. Beaches (1988). No one surfing or swimming, just Bette Midler singing and crying.3. Steel Magnolias (1989)4. My Girl (1991).5. Lorenzo's Oil (1992). 6. Stepmom (1998)7. Here on Earth (2000)8. Bridge to Terabithia (2007). With Josh Hutcherson (left, recent photo). They fool you into thinking it's a fantasy movie, like Harry Potter.9. Moulin Rouge (2008). Fortunately, I walked out because it was so awful long before the deathbed scene.10. The Fault in Our Stars (2014).

Especially no dying-of-AIDS. Yelling at doctors, reconciling with estranged relatives, sobbing, sobbing, and so on, but with homophobia. Lovely way to spend an evening.
11. An Early Frost (1985)
12. Parting Glances (1986)
13. Longtime Companion (1989)
14. Philadelphia (1993). I was forced to watch this, but kept my nose in a book the whole time.
15. And the Band Played On (1993)
16. The Cure (1995)
17. It's My Party (1996, left). AIDS and suicide! Fun!

No Holocaust as entertainment. Um... 6,000,000 people died. How can that be turned into two hours of fun?
18. Sophie's Choice (1982). She has to choose which of her kids to kill, and later gets a couple of boyfriends.
19. Schindler's List (1993)
20. Life is Beautiful (1997). Are they kidding?
21. The Boy in the Striped Pajamas (2009).

No main characters dying, period. Who had th bright idea of killing off the protagonists in car accidents, gunshots to the head, or zombie bites? Why would I want to get invested in a character, only to have them die?
22. Easy Rider (1969). I saw this, not realizing that everybody dies, and the movie is ruined.
23. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969), What's the point of a homoerotic buddy "comedy" if they're just going to die at the end?24. Thelma and Louis (1991). I watched this, too. No one told me that they go over a cliff.
25. Titanic (1997). I was conned into seeing the musical. Hint: they all drown.
26. The Perfect Storm (2000)
27. Children of Men (2006).
28. Pan's Labyrinth (2006).
29. Into the Wild (2007). He starves to death!
30. 28 Weeks Later (2007). Zombie movies are supposed to have survivors!
31. Burn After Reading This (2008). I went into this thinking it was a comedy, and walked out when Brad Pitt's comic relief character suddenly died.
32. Apollo 18 (2011).

No inmates on death row. You know they're going to die from the beginning. Why bother to watch?
33. The Executioner's Song (1982).34. Dead Man Walking (1995)
35. The Green Mile (1999)

No war. War is one of the biggest tragedies of life, not a source of entertainment! If the movie is about humorous hijinks far from the combat zone, ok. But angst-ridden, somber music, people dying of bullet holes -- no way! I don't care if the whole platoon struts around naked.
36. Platoon (1986)
37. Full Metal Jacket (1987)
38. Saving Private Ryan (1998)
39. We Were Soldiers (2002)

No ends of the world. Nuclear holocaust, giant meteor, whatever. Even worse than the main characters dying, the end of everybody and everything, the most depressing thing imaginable.
40. Dr. Strangelove (1965). Why would you yell "yahoo" while plummeting to your death on the back of a nuclear bomb?
41. Miracle Mile (1988). I actually saw this without realizing that the world ends until it was too late, and I was trapped there with a date.
42. 2012 (2009).
43. Cabin in the Woods (2012). I thought it would be a standard horror movie, with survivors at the end, not "the old gods awaken and start the Apocalypse."
44. Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (2012)
45. This is the End (2013). Can you believe it was advertised as a "comedy"!

No LGBT people dealing with homophobia. Getting yelled at, rejected, beat up, experiencing angst, and dying.
46. Get Real (1998). I saw this, thinking it would be ok because no one dies. Horrible!
47. Boys Don't Cry (1999).48. The Laramie Project (2002). A movie about a real-life horrific hate crime! Just the thing to brighten your day.
49. Brokeback Mountain (2005). No way, no way, no way....

No horrifying handicaps. I don't care if they overcome adversity and find love, having a handicap is depressing.
50. The Miracle Worker (1962).51. Johnny Got His Gun (1971). A blind, deaf, and dumb quadriplegic?
52. Tommy (1975). A blind, deaf, and dumb boy, plus homophobia. I turned off the DVD and zapped it back to Netflix.53. The Elephant Man (1980)
54. Mask (1985)
55. My Left Foot (1989)
56. The Sessions (2012).

No movies where the plot summary makes me nauseous.
57. Harold and Maude (1971). Gross romance between a teenage boy and an 80-year old lady. No, I don't think it's at all hypocritical that I'm 55 years old and dating twinks. She commits suicide because she loves life so much. Huh?
58. Pink Flamingos (1972). According to John Waters, they offered Divine a substitute, but no, she wanted to really eat it.
59. Funny Games (1997). A family is terrorized and killed by a pair of psychos. Uplifting!
60. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008). He ages backwards! Can you think of anything more disgusting? I couldn't even sit through the trailers.

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When Gay Was Unspoken

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