boss who sighs a lot

ME

boss who sighs a lot

Do you have any food allergies or special preferences?

ME

(to her)

I’m good! Just let me know where we’re ordering from and I’ll Google the menu.

(to self)

The lab tests say I’m not gluten-intolerant, but Goop says I am! I’m not sure if it’s dairy or genetics that break me out, but I avoid cheese just in case (unless it’s the weekend). The thought of eating processed food unless I’m hungover or on a road trip disgusts me. I’m not kosher, but maybe I should say I am.

BOSS WHO SIGHS A LOT

Okay, one minute. Checking with the team.

ME

(to her)

Sure!

(to self)

There has to be something on the menu for me. God, I hope it’s not a sandwich place so I don’t have to peel away the excess bread away like a girl with an eating disorder who thinks nobody notices.

BOSS WHO SIGHS A LOT

Great, we’re getting subs from Mendocino Farms!

ME

(to her)

Okay, great!

(to self)

I’m certifiably psychic. I’d also like to millennialize the 2018 DSM with the addition of Punctuation Use Disorder. The use of 1 in banal virtual conversations is agonizing!

BOSS WHO SIGHS A LOT

We decided on the Godfather hero!

ME

(to her)

Sounds delicious.

(to self)

Please, God, save me from the homogenizing notion of "the team." Please, if I have to die of anything besides a "natural" death, let it not be from diabetes via ham-and-white-bread poisoning. I'm open to discussing liver cancer. Amen.

********************************************************************

In lieu of classifying human beings by ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, race or any other conventional means of division, I chose to bracket people into two categories: those who like to eat lunch with others and those who prefer to lunch alone.

I was triggered the other day when I went on a job interview and asked the interviewers what they liked most about working for this particular company. Although I frequently lambaste the modern age, I’m entirely grateful to Google and the secret life of SEO for helping me identify what a “question that shows you care in an interview” is. In one of those board rooms where the black Bluetooth speaker sits proudly as the centerpiece, I sat with my hands folded neatly on my lap, and then like a marionette controlled by my own defiant subconscious, elbows soon on the table. (Power move, IMO).

“I love that everyone here eats lunch together!” one of the interviewers genuinely said. I couldn’t help but think that was one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard. It’s one thing to enjoy getting lunch with your work friends when it works for all of you and it happens naturally. By naturally, I mean with a G-chat or text to see what you’re going to eat and if you want to sit together and lament about office politics and talk about your weekend plans. It’s another thing entirelyto pinpoint group lunches as a highlight of office culture.

This could mean the particular interviewer was A) Previously an indentured servant at her last job, unable to leave unless granted permission by the the Boss Master or B) Really hates her job and could not think of anything else positive to say about the company.

Now, I'd like to to invalidate the stereotype that people who gravitate towards lunching solo are these awkward, hermetic creatures who look at the floor when they walk and communicate best through email. Similarly, I’d like to propose that people who eat their mid-day meal with others aren’t necessarily these enthusiastic, puppy-like individuals who feel a great sense of pride when they suggest everyone play Heads Up! at a party. Nothing is this black and white! But aren’t these great visuals?

This dilemma of whether to eat alone or to eat lunch with people has followed me throughout my life and I’m sure it’s a predicament that has afflicted millions. I haven’t thought about it in a while since I’ve been freelancing and have historically beenreallyokay with eating by myself. If a hormonal cue that I need to be fed strikes, it always seems fine to seek nourishment and sit to scroll through Twitter, only looking up if I require a condiment or if someone particularly good looking has entered the room. But I’ve never understood those who get anxious about sitting at a table and eating a sandwich without anyone next to them. I’ve seen too many people—particularly women— pat themselves on the back when they get the nerve to go sit at a diner by themselves. “I actually went alone. It wasn’t so bad,” they say, with the inflection of a single person who just had to go through the low-key misery of attending a wedding alone.

I can’t think of anything more satisfying than taking a break from everyone around me mid-day so I can catch up with my own mental-to-do-list or completely zone out and eschew social responsibilities. Alone, I do not have to hear anyone chew without conscience, ask anyone about their weekend on a Monday, or feel peer pressure to order a Godfather sub on a Tuesday at 11:30 a.m. (the precise time the human race begins to think about lunch, and then subsequently forces themselves to wait until 12 p.m. to order so that the day passes faster).

Maybe I just haven’t found the “job” for me or maybe the job is something similar to this. Sitting here. Sharing my thoughts and subsequently humanizing humankind. Picking one side and going for it hard. Making you nod silently in recognition or maybe even laugh out loud. And eating my California roll in peace. I just need to figure out how to monetize the damn thing!!!!