CEREMONY

Glenlivet, Anchorman-style. Photograph: Getty Images

Wardrobe malfunctionRemove article of clothingShot of George Clooney Nespresso (or similar)Song from Les Misérables Loaf of breadShirley Bassey sings Goldfinger Kit KatAdele sings Skyfall CrumbleEvery mention of "Bond" or appearance of a man who has played Bond MartiniBarbra Streisand Lent(i)l(s)Channing Tatum Beef or cakeThe cast of Chicago reunite(Cell Block) TangoWill Ferrell comes on as Anchorman Three fingers of Glenlivet, with a little bit of pepper and some cheese

SPEECHES

Don't cry … Photograph: Getty Images

Anne Hathaway is surprised she has won Cut off a lock of your hairDaniel Day-Lewis is witty and dignified MilkshakeTears OnionStanding ovation StarjumpsSomeone kisses their date DateOnstage kiss Jam tartBad reaction on loser-cam Grapes (sour if possible)

I'D LIKE TO THANK

M&Ms: it's the Weinsteins! Photograph: Alamy

Harvey Weinstein M&MsMother MummChildren Kinder egg (one per child)God On your knees for two minutesAcademy Sucky sweetCast and crew Dolly mixFellow nominees Share drink with a friendAgent Siphon off 25% of your drink and give to person on your leftSpouse Siphon off 50% of your drink and give to person on your right