I relax by: Singing karaoke. Which is far from relaxing for anyone else.

What I don’t find amusing is: Australia’s Funniest Home Video Show, which is child abuse with canned laughter.

I’m always being asked: By beautiful girls to help fix their computers.

If I wasn’t me I’d like to be: Kim Jong Il, who gets to direct films and kidnap anyone he wants to star in them. Sure, my citizens might starve in the meantime, but Nicole Kidman would finally have to make BMX Bandits II.

My worst job was: At a law firm, endlessly stamping page numbers onto documents. That was the full extent of my legal career.

I often wonder: Why people think Southern Cross tattoos are uniquely Aussie, when it’s also featured on the flags of NZ, PNG and Samoa.