Here are the most intriguing cross-cultural exchanges
either begun or advanced during the week of Nov. 7, 1999, as selected
by Y? Thesepostings, as well as "Best of the Week"
entries from previous weeks, also can be found by accessing our new
database using our search form, or, in the
case of answers posted before April 24, 1999, in our
Original Archives (all questions
from the Original Archives have been entered into the new database as
well). In the Original Archives and the new database, you will find
questions that have received answers, as well as questions still
awaiting responses. We encourage you to answer any questions relevant
to your demographic background, as well as to ask any provocative
question you desire. Answers posted are not necessarily meant to
represent the views of an entire demographic group, but can provide a
window into the insights of an individual from that group.

First-time users should first make a quick stop at our
guidelines pages for asking and
answering questions.

Question:
My nephew is new to the Islamic faith and has met a young lady he
will be marrying on Saturday. They have known each other three weeks.
Is rushing common within this faith, and if so, why?
POSTED 11/10/1999
Debbie, Edinburg, TX, United States, <dcat2187>, 38, Female,
Christian, Straight, student, 2 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg
ID 1191999110459To
respondBACK TO TOP

Question:
I am from an upper middle-class community, where the majority of
homes are valued at $150,000 or more, and most people have two or
more cars and two- to four-stall garages. I am 19 and work full-time
as a chef at Vincent's Vineyard in Fairmont, W.V. I have always
looked up to wealthy people, because one day I hope to be in their
position, but I find a lot of other people dislike or treat affluent
people very rudely, and I would like to know why that is.
POSTED 11/8/1999
Lawrence C. III, Fairmont, WV, United States, 19, Male, Christian,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Chef, High School Diploma , Upper middle
class, Mesg ID 1141999111711

Responses:I live in the Oak Lawn neighborhood of Dallas. Oak Lawn is very
diverse, composed of gays and many ethnicities living side by side.
The run-of-the-mill person in this neighborhood is lower middle class
or less. The neighborhood next door is Highland Park, one of the
richest in Dallas. I'll admit we laugh at the HP aristocrats; they
park in the no parking zones so they don't have to walk any distance
into the stores, they ignore traffic signals while they yack on their
cell phones, etc. Lots of times, wealthy people associate their
wealth with the need for 'lesser' people to defer to them in life.
This leads to rude behaviors on both sides. Looking up to someone
just because they are wealthy is an empty value. What do they do with
this affluence? Do they expend time and money helping the homeless,
the less fortunate, the area hospices, the shelters? If not, I would
advise you to consider why you look up to them and search yourself to
determine why you hope to be in their position.
POSTED 11/10/1999
Mark B., Dallas, TX, United States, <markmark@airmail.net>, 38,
Male, UFMCC, Christian, White/Caucasian, Gay, Financial Analyst, 2
Years of College , Lower middle class, Mesg ID 1110199975604

I have to first wonder why you would 'look up' to wealthy people.
Most didn't earn their wealth, they inherited it. There are far more
Steve Forbes out there than Horatio Alger types. It seems like you
are more admiring of materialism than anything else, and that hardly
seems like a healthy attitude. But you don't say who it is you see as
resentful of the well-off. If it is people from slightly affluent
backgrounds like yourself, it might be simply a feeling of
competition. But if it is poorer people you see as resentful, there
are four justifiable reasons for that hostility: 1) Unequal treatment
in America based on wealth. How many wealthy people who commit crimes
wind up NOT being punished for them? Just ask O.J. 2) The open class
hostility directed toward poorer people by the well-off. Just look at
any debate over welfare or the demonizing of inner-city youth by the
news media. 3) Religious beliefs that are opposed to accumulation of
wealth. Think of Jesus saying 'It is easier to get a camel throught
the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to go to heaven.' These
religious truths, plus those of other groups like Buddhists and
American Indians, hold that wealth does not equal virtue, no matter
how much we are propagandized to the contrary. 4) The far greater
power that the wealthy have in this system. Democracy should be one
person=one vote. Instead it's more like one dollar=one vote. How many
poorer people have the power to influence the political process like
Forbes, Perot, Trump or the many wealthy people who play a
behind-the-scenes role? The one reason I don't think anyone can
honestly say is a reason is the one cited by many conservatives,
envy. That is a deliberate misunderstanding of the genuine issues
that poorer people face, almost a libel and a smear.
POSTED 11/10/1999
A.C.C., W Lafayette, IN, United States, Grad student, Over 4 Years of
College , Lower class, Mesg ID 119199910033

1) Because many wealthy people got that way either through luck
(wealthy parents) or on the backs of lower-class and/or immigrant
workers. 2) Because many wealthy people don't appreciate what they
have, and think poor people are just that way because they are lazy
or 'no common sense' (see recent Best of the week archives). 3)
Because many wealthy people develop a sense of entitlement - that
they deserve more respect than others. Of course this is not true for
everyone. There are plenty of people who are wealthy through their
own hard work, talent or genius. Some, however, are just ruthless.
Some are simply lucky. I admire your ambition and hope you achieve
your goals. Just don't assume all wealthy people got that way through
hard work!
POSTED 11/10/1999
C.B., New York, NY, United States, Mesg ID 1191999111727

It is simply a matter of jealousy. Most people are not as honest
as you are, Lawrence. You admit that you want to be affluent. Other
people do also, but won't admit it. Keep working hard and striving to
achieve. There is no dishonor in success!
POSTED 11/10/1999
Kathy, Springfield, IL, United States, 46, Female, White/Caucasian,
Over 4 Years of College , Upper middle class, Mesg ID
118199995907

This conflict goes back to Mesopotamia. Robin Hood, Bolsheviks,
unions, St. James, you name 'em. Basically, the root of it is that
the poor and working class lead hard lives, and they have to scratch
and claw for what little they have. And then they see the rich, who
have all sorts of material possesions, prestige, power, etc., and who
seem to live on easy street. And there's also the stereotype of rich
folks being snobbish, greedy, and so forth. So it's only natural for
there to be resentment. Like I said, this goes back to the days of
the cavemen, when Ugg was better at hunting and got more acclaim than
the other guys. I would suggest that you view the poor and working
class with some reverence. Without them, the clothes you wear
wouldn't have been sown, the car you drive wouldn't have been
assembled, the house you live in wouldn't have been built and the
food you eat wouldn't have been collected from the earth.
POSTED 11/10/1999
Dan, Los Angeles, CA, United States, 21, Male, Pentecostal Christian,
Hispanic/Latino, student/dishwasher, Lower middle class, Mesg ID
118199995037

Simple class envy is the problem here. The 'have-nots' want what
the 'haves' have. They don't want to proclaim their desire to be a
'have' because they think they will never achieve that, so they
instead assume a posture of superiority over the 'haves,' proclaiming
that the 'haves' obtained their wealth only through dishonest,
immoral or un-American ways, or heaven forbid, through inheritance.
'Have-nots' discount the work ethic of the 'haves' and think that a
family estate or family business is not fair to those less fortunate.
Keep your dreams and vision - I have been both poor and rich, and
believe me, rich is much better!
POSTED 11/10/1999
Katie, Newport Beach, CA, United States, 39, Female, Episcopalian,
White/Caucasian, business owner, Over 4 Years of College , Upper
middle class

My boyfriend, upon seeing my parents' neighborhood for the first
time (which is a couple of notches below upper middle class), made a
few biting remarks. I was surprised because he's normally very
open-minded. He comes from a very poor neighborhood and characterized
upper middle class neighborhoods as places where nothing goes wrong
and everything anyone wants gets handed to them on a silver platter.
I told him that in my experience, this wasn't true. I think he just
felt envious and a little bitter about not being as financially
privileged. However, we are both annoyed by many of the ostentatious
staples of the upper middle class (the SUV/cell phone combo) and
think that their leming-like conspicuous consumerism is pretty
gimpy.
POSTED 11/10/1999
S.R., Austin, TX, United States, 21, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, student, Mesg ID 118199920953

There are usually two reasons people act rudely toward the
wealthy. The first is envy. Some people are jealous that other people
accomplished something they did not. The second reason, related to
the first, is the impression that the wealthy can only get that way
through some illegal activity. I am not sure that the people in those
homes can really be called wealthy, though. It depends on the area.
In my area, that is a farily low price for a small home, and two cars
are needed for a two-income family when you need to commute to your
jobs. My wife and I both work, and we are still unable to get a house
at that price. Then again, in West Virginia, I imagine that things
are a bit different, and that might be even more out of reach.
POSTED 11/10/1999
John K, Cranford, NJ, United States, <jkeegan3@home.com>, 26,
Male, Chemical Engineer, Over 4 Years of College, Middle class, Mesg
ID 1181999105205To
respondBACK TO TOP

Question:
There have got to be some other males out there who are as
fascinated with menstruation as I am. However, neither men nor women
talk about the subject too much. I have always considered periods to
be somewhat mysterious and extremely sensual. I would love to hear
from other men who feel the same way. I'd also appreciate more than I
could say hearing from some women as well. (How do you feel about
your periods? Was your first period a pleasant or unpleasant
experience? How do you feel about discussing your periods with the
man or men in your life?) All replies will be greatly
appreciated.
POSTED 10/4/1999
Bob, Virginia Beach, VA, United States,
<exA6driver@hotmail.com>, 29, Male, Humanist, White/Caucasian,
Straight, Graduate Student, Over 4 Years of College , Upper middle
class, Mesg ID 10499102942

Responses:I think that if more people - male and female - thought the way
that you did about menstruation, more women might have more forgiving
attitudes about the lived realities of their flows. Like many of the
respondents, I find the cramps, bloating, fatigue and messiness of my
period pretty darn annoying. However, as my body has become more
mature and my cycle more regular, I have come to really enjoy the
heightened awareness of my body's ovulation, hormonal changes, ranges
of fertility, the whole nine. Like Taneia, I am offended and hurt
(and, sadly, affected) by the whole culture of secrecy and shame
surrounding the whole thing: something that 52 percent of the
population goes through is not a 'curse,' it's a miracle of
evolution. And the more of us who recognize this, the healthier that
52 percent of us will be. Oh, and you're not the only man to be
fascinated by the subject: My husband's joyous and excited questions
and attitudes (as well as his generous and frequent administerings of
iron, calcium and magnesium, and dandelion root tea) have gone a huge
way toward helping me feel even better during and about my
period.
POSTED 11/8/1999
Jamyla, Brooklyn, NY, United States, 23, Female, Black/African
American, Bisexual, writer, dancer, Over 4 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 117199962349To
respondBACK TO TOP

Question:
I have been an auto mechanic for 13 years. I have worked very hard to
learn my profession, considering that cars have changed drastically
over the years and I have to constantly re-educate myself to learn
new and complex systems. But I'm still regarded as a grease monkey
and a thief. Why hasn't public opinion of my profession changed in 50
years?
POSTED 8/31/1999
Curious, Taylor, MI, United States, Mesg ID 62999101916

Responses:My experience with auto mechanics has varied from bad to awful.
On the basis of my experience I would say they are 'crooks' first and
'mechanics' a distant second. Not only have I been lied to and
'ripped off,' but I am certain problems were deliberately created on
a number of occasions over the years. I have some knowledge about
these things and an 'average' person would never even begin to
suspect some of the things I am virtually certain they do routinely.
Also, it is not just a matter of money. Traffic accidents are a major
source of death and injury in our society, and I am virtually certain
that crooked or incompetent mechanics and garage owners are partially
responsible for some of the bloodshed and suffering associated with
traffic accidents. However, auto mechanics are merely part of a
corrupt and heartless system. I know a woman who had an expensive car
that tended to die in traffic. The dealer and some other mechanic
could not find the problem, and the dealer gave her a very good deal
if she would buy another car. She decided to have a relative sell the
car for her without telling the buyer the reason the car was being
sold. I said to her: "You are afraid to drive this car and yet you
plan to sell it to an unsuspecting stranger? What if the buyer has an
accident and loses his life because he is unaware of the problem?"
Her answer? "Tough."
POSTED 11/8/1999
J.G., College Park, MD, United States, <jg22usa@hotmail.com>,
63, Male, Humanist, White/Caucasian, Straight, very sensitive to
toxic peole, teacher, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
117199965156To
respondBACK TO TOP

Question:
Why is it that in rural America, if you have a satellite dish you
usually have a junky house? I would think it would cost too much for
them to afford satellite TV. Or I guess TV takes precedence over
fixing their house. Does anyone have any answers to this?
POSTED 11/8/1999
John, Hays, KS, United States, 22, Male, White/Caucasian, Student, 4
Years of College Lower class, Mesg ID 115199935350

Responses:I heard a joke once that Southerners must be more affluent than
their Northern neighbors because, after all, we have so many
appliances that we can't fit them all in the house! We've got extra
refrigerators on the porch, washing machines out back, etc. John,
it's a matter of priorities. You usually can't get cable run to you
in rural areas, so a satellite is your only option if you want TV.
These folks may have just enough to choose one or the other - a nice
house or a TV. Obviously, many choose the TV. You'll also notice
there's a damn nice bass boat out back, too. You spend your money on
what's important to you, not what's important to your neighbors.
POSTED 11/10/1999
Kat, Birmingham, AL, United States, 29, Female, Methodist,
White/Caucasian, Straight, Webmaster, Over 4 Years of College , Upper
middle class, Mesg ID 119199985711

It could be coincidence, or the juxtaposition of something
'high-tech' or expensive-looking out of context. I have friends
living out in the country, and at first glance, their yard is
cluttered - swingsets, bikes, kids toys, etc. Not living in a
subdivision or other development, the bikes on the lawn take on a
cluttered look. But go to what most would consider a back yard, where
they entertain, and it's entirely different - landscaped and
manicured. Another factor of 'city living' - at least in this part of
the country - is that most subdivisions or developments have deed
restrictions and owners associations that have strict rules as to the
placement of satellite dishes and other installations, as well as
requirements to keep your lawn mowed and even restricted on-street
parking
POSTED 11/10/1999
Michael, Houston, TX, United States, 38, Male, Methodist,
White/Caucasian, Gay, Intranet Manager, 4 Years of College , Middle
class, Mesg ID 1181999115217

I used to be one of those people in the rural areas with a poorly
maintained house and a satellite dish. There were lots of people in a
similar situation. First, our area of Virginia was full of mountains,
so there was no such thing as free TV. It is cable or a dish. Since
cable is pretty much a monopoly down there (as it is in many places),
the rates were quite high. A satellite dish was usually cheaper or
equal to the cable rates. As far as the houses go, we rented. So we
could only make cosmetic changes to the house, most of which were
inside. Some people did own houses, but the cost of repair can be
high in areas with few contractors, painters, etc. Again, they charge
a high rate because they are the only game in town. Finally, a
satellite dish is a one-time installation. Fixing a house takes a lot
longer and may cost much more than a family can afford.
POSTED 11/10/1999
John K, Cranford, NJ, United States, <jkeegan3@home.com>, 26,
Male, Chemical Engineer, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg
ID 1181999103854To
respondBACK TO TOP

Question:
I became friendly with a black co-worker who then started calling me
'girlfriend.' I took this as a compliment, meaning she considered me
her friend and not just some white girl from work. Was this right? I
didn't think of her as a color, just as someone I liked talking to
and hanging out with.
POSTED 11/8/1999
Terri, Philadelphia, PA, United States, 33, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, High School Diploma , Middle class, Mesg
ID 116199913456

Responses:The term 'girlfriend' is an endearing term used when talking to
another female; it's usually used among black Americans, but it's
also used when speaking to anyone - whomever the person speaking
feels comfortable with. I think your co-worker used it not to
distinguish you from other white girls in general, but to mean she
sees you as just one of the girls, black or white.
POSTED 11/10/1999
Angelina, Philadelphia, PA, United States, 23, Female, Black/African
American, Straight, Middle class, Mesg ID 119199931330To
respondBACK TO TOP

Question:
Can someone please tell me why the French have such reputations for
being rude? I have not been to France, but the French people I've met
here in the United States are anything but rude - though they are
indeed very different from Americans. To me, rude is like the people
at the shopping mall the week before Christmas!
POSTED 11/1/1999
Terri, Philadelphia, PA, United States, 33, Female, Agnostic,
White/Caucasian, Straight, High School Diploma , Middle class, Mesg
ID 1029199910408

Responses:I think that the attitude of a lot of Northern French people can
come across as being rude, in a similar way to the apparent rudeness
of Southern English people. I don't think this is really a reflection
of their personality, just that they have different ways of
interacting with each other. To them it is abnormal to act in a more
smiling, happy manner, which can look stupid and uncool to them. I
think the French people you have met in the United States are likely
to have a more international way of interacting with people or are
from a different area in France.
POSTED 11/8/1999
B.B., Edinburgh, NA, United Kingdom, 25, Female, Atheist, white, PhD
student, Over 4 Years of College , Middle class, Mesg ID
117199962732

I have read in history of a Frenchman named Chauvin, who in a fit
of nationalism proclaimed French people and products to be better
than any others in the world. I believe his name is where the term
"chauvinism" originated - male, or in his case, French.
POSTED 11/8/1999
Armand F., Chicago, IL, United States, <EyeIntend2 @aol.com>,
47, Male, Catholic, White/Caucasian, Straight, waste hauler, 2 Years
of College , Middle class, Mesg ID 116199925647

I went to France this summer with some friends, many of whom
didn't speak French. I and two others do. I found the French to be
quite hospitable, but my friends who didn't speak French said they
found the French very rude. I asked them why, and they said that for
one, the French would 'ignore' them or be much slower to respond or
react once it was realized they didn't speak French. They said that
since I spoke French they must not have had any or not as much
animosity toward me. But to me, if you go to someone else's country,
it's polite to learn customs and some of the language before you go,
as a matter of respect. Whereas we in the United States sometimes
find it annoying when we see tourists running around speaking some
language we don't know, in France they probably are able to act on
those feelings, which we keep to ourselves. That said, I did find
that the French sometimes do have a superiority complex, thinking
that theirs, whatever it is, is the best. But I let that go because I
found that indeed many things they felt strongly about were better. I
loved their food and fashion and perfume, all of which I found to be
better than other countries'. Many Americans at times probably resent
this because, well, we are good at a lot of stuff, and, well, I still
feel this is the best place in the world to live. Their superiority
complex bothers us more because we are taught from the cradle that
ideally, everyone is equal, and it is effort that distinguishes us
from each other. When people come in with preconceived notions, it
seems very rude to us.
POSTED 11/8/1999
Sarah, Richmond, VA, United States, Female, Mesg ID 1151999111906

I'm not French but grew up in France, and I can tell you one
thing, even though French people are not my favorite, they are not
rude. You'll find rude people everywhere. I think the reason the
French are said to be rude is more the consequence of cultural
differences than anything else.
POSTED 11/8/1999
Fabrice, Dayton, OH, United States, 19, Male, Catholic, College
Student, Mesg ID 115199980035To
respondBACK TO TOP