It is a common occurrence at our house. From a distance, you hear the scream of a child. It is not the fake cry that is trying to get attention. It is the full-blown, something is wrong kind of scream. Every parent knows it.

The task at hand gets dropped and you go find the child. Either the bike got away from them, they ran to fast, or any number of mishaps. There is a scraped elbow, knee, or hand.

ek all know the process.

Wash it off. Make sure it is clean. Put some Neosporin on it. Get a bandaid, preferably with a cartoon character. This is simple. Everyone knows the drill.

But kids freak out when you try to wash it off. They will cry, get angry, and throw fits for hours if you let them protesting touching their booboo.

If left alone, my kids would never clean even one scrape. They would avoid the temporary pain if they could. I have no doubt, left to their own devices they would have had some serious infections because they wouldn’t take 30 seconds of being uncomfortable to get it clean.

This happens all the times for adults as well. Except the scrapes are emotional hurts that we will not deal with; An unkind word that sinks deep into your soul, betrayal of a close friend, or a promotion you missed.

Our first step is not to deal with the pain, but rather react with protest.

As adults our protest are not a fit with screaming and crying on the outside, it is an inward disgust that shows itself as anger and bitterness.

So how do you avoid this?

1. Run to God.

This is the answer we all know but rarely do. If you have been hurt make it a priority to get alone with God as quick as you can.

We are all wired differently, but for me this is usually early in the morning with a journal. By the morning time, I usually have perspective on what ever is bothering me. The sting has worn off and I am just processing it.

2. Seek Comfort Don’t Waste away in Complaints

You can go to God complaining, making sure God knows why someone or something is wrong. Or, You can approach his throne confiding in him about how hurt you are and seeking strength and guidance.

God is big enough to handle either one, but he specializes in helping the hurting and giving strength to those who are weak.

3. Strengthen Yourself with Scripture

Don’t just pray and pour you heart out to God. Turn to his word for sure footing to stand on.

If you don’t know what scripture to read, google it. Seriously.

If you have been betrayed, google, “betrayal Psalm” If you are disappointed, google “disappointment psalm”. If you are overwhelmed, google “overwhelmed psalm”.

Don’t make it harder than it has to be. Just get in the scripture. You will need it right then and as you walk through the situation

God can fix your broken heart.

I know it stings when you get hurt, but if you will just calm down for a second and let God wash over your hurt, you might just find that his love and grace can fill the cracks of your broken heart.

I did the unthinkable. The one thing I thought I would never do. I let go of the one vice I ran to every morning. I quit caffeine.

I remember when I discovered the mythical powers of caffeine in college. I drank a cup of coffee and I magically had energy and focus to study late into the night.

Without its power, I am not sure how I would have gotten through graduate school, sleepless nights with babies, and hard periods of work.

So I put no limit on my consumption.

You need to understand something. I love coffee.

I love it not just for the caffeine, but for the coffee. I drink my coffee black. I would never pollute it with sugar or cream. The darker the roast, the better.I like it on a cold day or on a hot day.

But as I reflected over the last year, I realized that I had been really tired and agitated at night. Being a reasonable man, I thought, maybe… just maybe, it was a result of drinking enough caffeine in the day to kill a small horse.

So I decided to quit.

How I quit

Going cold turkey is an approach, but I really wasn’t interested in that.

For 1 week, I drank one cup of caffeinated coffee, and then made a pot of decaf. The idea is that I still get a little regular coffee, and then just have decaf.

The second week, I removed the regular coffee all together. I just brewed decaf. Interestingly enough I guess the 1 week transition period really helped because I didn’t even get a withdrawal headache.

At the office, instead of drinking coffee, I drink herbal teas, or I just drink hot water. Most people think it is pretty silly, but I quite like it.

Why I’m glad I did.

I didn’t notice it until I removed it, but caffeine was giving me an underlying anxiousness and jitteriness throughout the day. The stress on my body and emotions of being hyped all day was very obvious. In addition, when it would wear off at night, I crashed.

The end result is I feel more clear and have a lot less swings of energy and tiredness throughout the day. And as a benefit to my family, I have had more energy in the evening.

Why this matters

I’ll let the experts argue whether caffeine is a good or bad thing. But what I do know is that in some ways it had become a master to me.

I don’t know where the line is between enjoying morning coffee and letting it be a master of you, but I had crossed the line. I identified with the Paul when he said, “I have the right to do anything”–but I will not be mastered by anything.” (1 Cor 6:21). So it had to go.

I am sure I will drink caffeinated coffee again, but for now I am caffeine free and operating just fine.

Courage is an elusive beast. When you have it you can conquer the world. You walk in confidence and believe you can slay any giant. When you lack courage and feed on fear, life is miserable. You walk in doubt and sabotage yourself.

In December of 2008, one morning during my personal worship time, I had a God moment. Sitting at my computer I knew God gave me an idea and a calling all at once. It was not one of my daily “ideas” to change the world. This time I knew God have laid a calling on me. The result was EXAMEN.me.

It may not seem like a big deal to you, but at the time I knew very little about the web. I struggled with just using WordPress. Imagine feeling like God had called you to create a custom built web application, but you had no tools of your own to do it. Sounds like a recipe for no courage and drowning in fear, doesn’t it?

But this time it was different. I had no fear and was full of courage. I started to work and started calling people, read blog post after blog post of how to create a web app and got to work. After assembling a team we launched a fully functional web app after 3 months of development and only 4 months after the original idea.

I still look back over that time and wander how in the world we did it. I faced some serious financial, technical and relational giants. But like David, God gave me supernatural courage.

Where did that courage come from?

Courage comes from being crystal clear on God’s call in your life.

When you are in a season of life where you are waiting to hear from God, you will struggle with courage.

When you have a good idea and you wander if you should run with it, you will wrestle with doubt.

When you are busy doing many things and not sure what God called you to, I am confident you will lack courage.

However, when you know in your bones God has laid a calling on your life and you have fully surrendered to it, you will have the courage to stand up to any giant and defeat them.

Courage is elusive only if you do not know what God has called you to. Go read about Joshua. God told him to not fear only after he gave him a call.

Don’t waste your precious life living with fears and lack courage. Get back to the basics. Get really clear on what God has called you to do. Get your eyes off your activities and abilities and get your eyes on God. I promise your father wants to make himself known to you.

Most of us are horrible at confrontation. We would rather stuff offenses under the rug and grow embittered than to talk to a person who has offended us. But there is a better way.

If you are like me, it can be really hard to bring up an issue with someone has offended or hurt you.

I play a game of, it is not a big deal, I’ll just let it slide and try to move on. Honestly, sometimes little things do disappear after you have slept on it, and you can just move on.

But then there are things that really offend and bother you. You know, the things you just can’t let go of. What do you do with those?

If you need to talk to someone and let them know they have hurt you, there is a simple formula that has helped me tremendously. I did not create it, but I heard a pastor teach it and I have used it non stop.

If you want to handle an offense in grace, remember 3 things.

(S)ituation

(B)ehavior

(I)mpact

To remember it, I say S.B.I. It is kind of like F.B.I, but not really. It is just the way I remember it.

Situation

When you sit down with the person who has insulted you, remind them of the situation. If you were wounded, you have stored every detail in your mind and heart, but the person who offended you might not remember the encounter at all. Simply remind them of the situation revolving around the offense. Something like this.

“Do you remember on Monday night when we were talking on the couch and I brought up the project I am working on at work?

That’s it. Simply remind them of the situation. You don’t have to go into incredible detail — just set up the scenario where the offense happened. The shorter, the better.

Behavior

Remind them of their behavior. The key to this step is to not assume you know what their intentions were. Simply state the behavior. Speculating on what they meant or were thinking is a very risky endeavor with zero payoff, even if you are right. Stick with the behavior alone. No more, no less.

”… Right after I started trying to tell you about the issues I was experiencing, you pickup up your phone and started scrolling through Facebook instead of really listening to me.”

Impact

If you set up the scenario and reminded them of the behavior without assuming or accusing them of their intentions, this next part is the most crucial. It is where you can be understood. It is where you tell them the impact the behavior had on you. In my experience, the more concise you can explain the impact, the better. Don’t babble and beat around the bush. Use one or two sentences to explain the impact their behavior had on you. Be honest, but not rude.

“It hurt my feelings because over the last month I have worked really hard to finish the project. I am really proud of the work I am doing. When you started looking at your phone, it felt like you were not interested in something that is very important to me.”

The goal for this process is not to tell how wrong someone has been, but to tell them how their actions impacted you. Don’t accuse them. They will only go on the defensive. Simply tell them how the action impacted you.

A couple more tips.

If you struggle with your temper, work on relaxing and not making it into a big deal. The beauty of S.B.I is that it give you a way to talk though an issue without being super emotional.

If you struggle with confidence, make sure you tell the person the true impact the behavior had on you. Don’t hide.

Hard conversations are… hard. It is not easy to bring up things that have offended and hurt you. But the alternative is to live a facade, while you grow embittered and angry on the inside. Don’t do it. Have the hard conversation.

I love the fresh feeling of a new year. It is a blank canvas. A brand new start. But if you are not careful, you could lose the freshness in a hurry. How?

If you are like me, you come into the new year with fresh hopes and new dreams. I try to send a significant amount of time in late December reflecting and building goals and vision for the coming year.

Even if you don’t go through a process and write down goals, people are naturally bent to like fresh starts.

One of the main reasons I love the new year is because I feel like I can say good riddance to the past. Not all the past is bad. In fact some of the past is good — really good.

But a new year gives you the opportunity to part ways with the past that haunts you. The regrets that linger and hold you captive from moving forward.

How do you deal with these regrets?

You know the regrets I’m talking about… the fact that you weigh more than you did this time last year, your marriage is stuck in the mud of no affection, You didn’t get your dream job, you’ve lost the heart of your child, on and on the list could go.

It is easy to get stuck in a river of regret and let horrible feelings and bitterness wash over you. Don’t do it.

The steps to get out are simple, but not easy.

You will be tempted to read and agree in your thoughts, and because they are so simple you will skip over them and never actually do it.

Don’t be that guy.

If you have a regret that is nagging at you, do yourself a favor and follow these three steps.

1. Identify and Acknowledge the Problem.

If you have a weight hanging on your emotional shoulders, or a bitterness that keeps raising its head, there is probably a regret nearby. Spend 3-5 minutes reflecting to identify the regret. In my experience, I can usually pinpoint the regret immediately. Then, acknowledge it and write it down or say it out loud.

I regret letting go of a dream.I regret not meeting the needs of my wifeI regret looking at porn to satisfy me.I regret the drink I took.I regret the relationship I have let become toxic.I regret being angry at my kids.

2. Build a Plan to Fix It.

If I am honest, most of the regrets in my life did not need complex solutions. They needed to be acknowledged and small changes made. You usually know what needs to be done, you just need grace and grit to actually do it.

Don’t just think in your head how you should fix it. Write it down. I don’t know your regret. It could mean an entire life change to fix it, or a simple phone call and the words sorry. Whether large or small, easy or hard, build a plan and figure out a way to make it happen.

3. Record the Lessons You Learned.

You just went through a hard time. Don’t waste the lessons you can learn by your experience. Once you know your regret, get wiser and stronger, not more foolish and weaker. There is a lesson in your experience.

What could you have done to avoid it?How could you have responded better?What weaknesses and strengths have you found out about yourself?

Write down the lessons you learned.

Regrets happen because life is messy and imperfect.But don’t take them into a new year.

Don’t let your regrets get you down. Deal with them and keep going. God wants to use you and your experiences as you push into a new year.

I am not sure how to quantify it, but as a father, I can tell you there are seasons when I have the heart of my kids and there are seasons, when I don’t. Another way to say it is, there are times when my kids heart and emotions are leaning towards me and other times when it is leaning away from me. So, how do you win the heart of your child?

One morning, Kari and I had the opportunity to eat with a family that in many ways has mentored us. As the pancakes and bacon were cooking on the griddle, one of their children peered around the corner. The disheveled hair and clutching of a blanket let us know he had just woken up.

When the mom and Dad saw him, you would have thought a party started. A buzz of excitement began to rise as they greeted their son into the day. “Good morning! How did you sleep? I am so excited you are finally awake!” All while moving his way to pick him up and give him huge hugs and kisses.

I remember being caught off guard. My experience has been morning is a time for being grumpy, slow-waking, and being tolerant of other humans, not welcoming. There was nothing special about the day – no birthday, no adventure waiting. Just a boring summer morning.

I remember this all because when the mom and dad welcomed the child, his countenance changed. He smiled from ear to ear. He felt welcomed. He felt appreciated. He knew he belonged in the family. His heart was leaning towards his mom and dad.

There are many ways to incline your children’s heart to you. Here is one that has been very helpful to me and Kari:

Greet and welcome your kids into the day with genuine excitement.

When they crack the door or walk down the stairs, stop what you are doing. Enter into their world. Pick them up and squeeze them. Sit down and cuddle with them. Tell them what you love about them.

Let’s be honest, engaging with your kids in the morning is easier because they haven’t done anything to frustrate you yet!

This isn’t a end all be all solution, but I can’t imagine it will hurt your relationship with your child if you are genuinely excited to see them every morning.

If you have followed God for any amount of time, you most likely have an experience where you were desperate for God to lead you through a tricky situation.

It is in my nature to get ahead of God. I’ll have an idea and before I have thought through or ask for God’s wisdom on the matter, I have made some progress. While making progress, I will throw up a quick prayer, “God, lead me through this endeavor.”

There are other times in my life when I realize the gravity of a decision and I begin to plead with God to lead me. I know God has something ahead of me and I am willing to do it. So I pray in earnest… “Lord, show me what I need to do.”

Here is what I know: God wants us to come to his throne with boldness and we should bring all of our requests to him. Asking for God’s leading and direction is exactly what you should be doing.

But as you pray for God to lead you, there may be another prayer that is necessary — “Lord, please correct my heart, if there is any offensive way in me.”

You see, we are good at asking God to lead us. But, we are horrible at asking God to correct us.

This is not a 21st Century problem. This is a human heart problem. We love getting our way, but we hate being told we need to change.

Enter God.

He is a good father. He wants to give us good gifts. But he is not in the business of making our lives easy and full of convenience. He is in the business of shaping our character and growing us to become more like his Son.

So what are you to do?

1. Ask God to Lead You

When you are in a position where you need God to lead you, go to him with boldness asking him to show you the way forward.

2. Open yourself to correction

As you ask for wisdom, don’t forget to open yourself up and ask him to correct any wrong way in your heart or motives.

One last piece of advice.

Don’t get discouraged if God doesn’t give you a next step but shows you how selfish you are being. Growth in Christ does not happen in ease and convenience. It comes in tension and hearthache. Embrace it. As you get your character squared away, God will show you the next steps.

You know we should grow in our prayer life. You believe prayer works. But for some reason you and I just can’t seem to gain traction in our prayer life. Why?

I’m a pastor. I am paid to be good at prayer, right?

I’ll be honest, I am pretty good at praying in public. At the end of a worship set, or while holding the hand of a person in the hospital bed. I can pray with the best of them.

I am sure this has some pastoral values, but the kind of prayer life you and I desire is not public and polished; it is honest and personal conversation with our father.

We long to intimately communicate with the Devine. We want to take God up on the promise that we can cast our cares upon him. So why are we no good at it?

There is one reason you and I can be awful at prayer.

You don’t need God.

We think our prayer life is horrible because we aren’t disciplined or spiritual enough. False.

Your prayer life is awful because you can navigate your life and fulfill most, if not all, your own needs. Most likely the only money problems you have are ones you created for yourself.

If you have money problems, you can just get another credit card or get another loan. If you need to know something, you google it. If you are sick, you go to the doctor. And if you still have a problem, you can ask someone in your community of friends to help.

The bottom line is in your everyday life, you are capable of fulfilling most of your needs. You don’t need God. So your prayer life suffers.

The scripture tells us that “Apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5) But the experience of our life shows us that if we don’t do something, nothing gets done.

So how do we navigate this contradiction?

Develop an attitude of surrender.

The truth is, while our bodies and minds are capable of work and solving our problems, we were not created to carry the anxiety and pressures we face. We were designed to live in the divine fellowship and to cast all our cares on him.

So while the temptation is to trust in ourselves, we must develop an attitude of surrender and realize God is waiting to take our burdens and fears. We are ill-equipped to handle such massive anxiety and fear, but when we come to Christ and realize our helplessness, he takes our burdens.

Imagine not carrying around years of anxiety and fears and constantly being in conversation with the God of the universe. When you realize how helpless you are and how strong the power source of Christ is, I promise your prayer life will explode.

The Bible spans thousands of years and speaks to different seasons, circumstances, government systems, etc, etc. It is a vast piece of literature. Because it is so vast, you can isolate a scripture to prove just about any point you want.

I can find scriptures that point to needing to work harder and scriptures that say rest.

I can find scripture that tell me to save money, and scriptures that say give it all away.

I can find scripture that tells me to forgive someone who has sinned and scriptures that tell me to kick the sinner out of the church.

Sometimes as a reader, I can get confused. Am I suppose to work harder or Abide? The resolve of the tension of all these seemingly different perspectives are found in your heart.

There are times when I need to work harder because my heart is lazy. There are times when I need to rest because my heart is stressed.

There are times I need to save because I have not been a good steward, however, there are times when I need to sacrificially give.

You get the point.

There is plenty of room for both things to be true in scripture. And the place this works out is in my heart.

Can we be honest for just a second?

I have found in my own life, I look for the passage that fits what I desire and then use it as an excuse to do what I want.

Yes, I just admitted it in writing.

But guess what, you do too.

If you know how to use google at a elementary level you can find a passage that will support what you want to do.

Stop it.

Deal with the brokenness of your heart and quit using scripture as an excuse to do what you want.

In the world I dream up in my head, I go to the office. Have 30 minutes or so to think, reflect and plan a strategic day. I schedule all the time I need to get the tasks done. I also spend time with our team helping everyone accomplish their goals.

But this is not the real world.

The real world is that there are 47 email in my inbox that need to be dealt with. Twenty of those are left from yesterday because someone came into my office to ask a question in my scheduled time to get to inbox zero the last 30 minutes of the day.

I should be able to find peace by looking at my to-do list, but it has been over 2 weeks since I have gone through all my lists and projects.

I am barely surviving.

The biggest problem with this scenario is not that it happens every once in a while, but for so many of us, it is life. A life of constantly reacting to the thousands of demands that beg for our attention.

I’m not always the best at rising above this tyranny of the urgent, but I have had some victories over time, learned some hard lessons, and read a lot from people a lot smarter than me.

But first… what does this have to do with God.

Everything.

When your life is spinning out of control, you make no room for God. Period.

Sure, when you throw up, “help me God” prayers along the way, or when you finally realize you can’t take it anymore, you will sit down and beg God for grace. But in the midst of busyness of the day when your day is controlling you, unless you have superpowers I don’t have, you don’t give any attention to God.

So what do you do?

1. Prioritize Sleep.

Vince Lambardi was correct. “Fatigue makes cowards of us all.” If you are tired and worn out, do everything in your power to get 8 hours of sleep. If you can’t do it, buy Tylenol PM to help. I promise if you go to bed early and get 8 hours of sleep, you will wake up with a different perspective.

2. Gain Perspective Through Scripture.

After you have slept 8 hours, spend time in the word. Feel free to use EXAMEN.me. There is actually a topical reading plan, “7 days on facing trials and suffering.” Let the truth of scripture root out anxiousness and worry and instill trust and dependence.

3. Make a list in the presence of God.

After you have let the word wash over your anxiousness and change your perspective, make a list. My suggestion is to pray and ask God to reveal tasks and projects that are stressing you out. Write them down. If you soul is quiet, I promise you will feel the things that are stressing you out rise to the top.

4. Do it.

Block out a time. Say no to other things. Show some discipline and get to work.

5. Rinse and Repeat.

Do it all over again.

Life is crazy, but God has given you priorities. Stay in the fight and keep living the adventure he has you on.