It Takes Two to Tango and Tangle in Love and Marriage

When the honeymoon is over, and the real dance begins.

Let’s start with what it means to dance the tango.

The dance of the tango is from the song Takes Two to Tango, written and composed in 1952 by Al Hoffman and Dick Manning. The dance itself is defined and described in several ways. Our favorite is by Velleda C Ceccoli Ph.D., a dance critic, and a regular contributor to the online magazine, Psychology Tomorrow. She describes the tango as “a feeling expressed as a dance.” It is a beautiful metaphor to describe what happens during the attraction, selection, and romantic stage of love and marriage. And, the dance of the tangle is a metaphor that aptly describes a feeling that is a dance for couples when the honeymoon is over, with the reality of differences revealed. It takes two for both.

Why is this important?

Because both dances require participation and cooperation!

The tango is the more enjoyable dance because, during the attraction, selection, and romantic stage, both partners flood with positive feelings about each other because of the chemicals that activate in the most primitive part of the brain. The need of which is to support the couple to bond (historically, for procreation). However, in modern times, we believe the purpose of this stage is for each partner to bond with someone to grow and develop into a better version of themselves. That is why the “tango stage” ends, and the “tangle stage” begins. Additionally, personal growth within love and marriage is a personal decision and quest. And, while it is ideal for both partners to interrupt and change the dance of the tangle, one partner can do it alone.

How do partners move from the “tangle to the untangle”?

Each partner makes their own independent decision about if they want to continue to participate in the tangle. Remember this: it only takes one partner to say, “No.”

Here are three ways to say no to the tangle dance of miscommunication:

No, I won’t let negative feelings dictate how I will respond.

No, I won’t focus only on what my spouse or partner did to trigger my feelings.

No, I won’t react in the heat of the moment.

Here are three ways to say yes to untangle the dance of miscommunication:

Yes, I will honor and understand my feelings.

Yes, I will focus on my contribution to the conflict and how to change my reaction.

Yes, I will remember my purpose for my personal growth that is possible in this relationship and will make sure my action steps match that growth agenda.

Now that you now know three ways to say no to the tangle of miscommunication and “yes” to beginning the process to untangle miscommunication, it’s time for your next success step.

As Marriage/Couples/Relationship Coaches & Counselors, Jesse and Melva Johnson, are committed to supporting healthy relationships. They have over 60+ years of combined experience as psychotherapists, relationship educators, workshop leaders, public speakers, authors, and consultants. They have also appeared on local and national radio and television shows and in numerous print media.