Top 3 rules for getting wasted

There’ve been alot of articles lately about women and intoxication, reports of rape and assault cases where women have been wasted at the time of the assault. The articles range from “girl, don’t get drunk,” to “boy, don’t have sex with a drunk girl, to “it’s my right as a feminist to get drunk.”

Whatever your perspective, here’s my best drug advice for you. And if you’re following along, you know I’m in a good position to give it. This is the intoxication advice I gave my brothers, and will give my son, when the time comes, and will give my sisters, if the need arises, so I mean it from the heart.

1. Only take half.

Mom said, when I was heading off to college with a look in my eyes that screamed I wanna get loaded: “if you’re absolutely gonna do drugs, and there’s nothing I can say to make you not do it, only take half of what anybody gives you.” That way if it’s terrible, you’ve only done half, and if it’s great, well you’ve still got another half. This mostly applies to dose based items, things that come in hits and tabs and pills (not time release, which have a bad habit of kicking you when you’re down, and not, for example, an 8 ball. Don’t just willy-nilly take half an 8 ball). Take less than half, however, if someone offers you morphine for your headache, but you’re expected to function at dinner later. Just take enough morphine for the headache; save the rest for dessert.

2. Be intentional, not accidental.

Make the decision to get blackout drunk, don’t let it happen. Have a drink, have as many as you want, but think it through. For me I know that after two drinks, the third has to be a decision. I pause there, as I’m sucking on the melting ice from my second hastily slurped cocktail, and ask “how drunk do I want to get?” Do I wanna be able to get home on my own? Do I wanna splurge on a cab? Do I wanna make an ass of myself? I ask these questions after the second drink, not the third, or the fourth, because after the second I’m still in full control. If I drink the third, I ask more questions before the fourth. The goal is: never get loaded beyond recognition without making the conscious decision to do it. Don’t let drunkenness happen to you, choose it fully, or don’t, if that’s your intention, accept the consequences. Be intentional, not accidental. Own your decision.

3. People suck.

Know who you’re with, be careful with yourself. There you are, on the verge of complete oblivion. Do you trust these people with your life? We know that lots of people out there in the big wide world suck, so don’t trust your body, mind, and soul, with people who suck. If you’re gonna get so jacked you might sleep with someone without your consent, make sure you’re with people you love, who love you back, and won’t let you get raped, and won’t rape you. Know it for sure. Don’t go around trusting people to take care of you when you’re too inebriated to take care of yourself. You wouldn’t do that while you’re sober, why do it drunk? Let’s not forget, in our endless search for a good high, that most people suck, no matter how much they should not suck, or have an obligation to not suck, they suck. They do not have your best interests at heart, they do not love you, and they’d be happy to rape you in their own quest to get off.