Sunday, May 22, 2011

Jokes and one sobering Fact

365 Times a Year! That’s No Bull

I took my wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is about breeding bulls. We came up to
the first pen and there is a sign that says, “This Bull mated 50 times last year.”
My wife poked me in the ribs and said, “He mated 50 times last year.”
We walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign, “This Bull mated 120 times last year.”
My wife hit me and said, “That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.”
We walked a little further to a third pen with a Bull and a sign, “This Bull mated 365 times last year.”
My wife got really excited and said, “That’s once a day.
” You could REALLY learn something from this one.”
I turned to my wife and replied,
Go up and ask him if it was with the same ol’ cow.”

When the English tongue we speak.
Why is break not rhymed with freak?
Will you tell me why it’s true
We say sew but likewise few?
And the maker of the verse,
Cannot rhyme his horse with worse?
Beard is not the same as heard
Cord is different from word.
Cow is cow but low is low
Shoe is never rhymed with foe.
Think of hose, dose,and lose
And think of goose and yet with choose
Think of comb, tomb and bomb,
Doll and roll or home and some.
Since pay is rhymed with say
Why not paid with said I pray?
Think of blood, food and good.
Mould is not pronounced like could.
Wherefore done, but gone and lone -
Is there any reason known?
To sum up all, it seems to me
Sound and letters don’t agree.
This was written by Lord Cromer,
published in the Spectator,August 9 1902
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2 Cups of Coffee, Golf Balls and The Mayonnaise Jar
When things in your life seem, almost too much to handle,
when 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students, if the jar was full.
they agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire
contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
Now,’ said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things – family,
children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions.
Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.
The sand is everything else –The small stuff.
if you put the sand into the jar first,’ He continued,
'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are important to you.
So…
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
Take care of the golf balls first –
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.’
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled.
‘I’m glad you asked’.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.’

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I’m doing..
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they’ll say,
‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,……
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them
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If you don’t forward
this to 1 of your friends within
the next 5 minutes your belly
button will unscrew and your
butt will fall off.
Really…. It’s true
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Here’s something to think about.***
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests,
he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him,
“Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?”
“Oh no,” I replied. “I’m not doing drugs, either!”
Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
I said, “No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”
“No, I don’t,” I said.
He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”
“No,” I said.
He looked at me and said,” Then, why do you even give a crap?”

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected
as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over
the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
–Mariah Carey
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“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part
of your life,”
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson
for federal anti-smoking campaign
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“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”
–Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country,”
–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

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“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”
–A congressional candidate in Texas .
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“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it..”
–Al Gore, Vice President, Bush or Quayle???
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“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because
we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.
You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
–Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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“Traditionally, most of Australia ‘s imports come from overseas.”
–Keppel Enderbery
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“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night
as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout
the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead,
there’ll be a record.
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WalMart Greeter Fail
My One Day Employment
So after landing my new job as a WalMart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day….
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said
pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7.
Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?’
So I replied,
‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe
someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at WalMart.’
My supervisor said that I podbably wasn't cut out for this kind of work~

(Now this one is NOT A JOKE in the funny sense. I put it in to give you a feel for fairness???)

Supreme Court justices questioned the underpinnings of a massive class-action lawsuit against
Wal-Mart on Tuesday and whether female employees could show that a common,
discriminatory policy governed the company’s pay and promotion decisions.
…while women make up 80 percent of the company’s hourly workers, they account for only
30 percent of its managers. They allege pay discrepancies, unequal promotion policies and a
male-dominated management.
Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. and Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr. asked, in effect, whether
Wal-Mart is any different from other large companies.
Alito wondered whether a company would be in violation of civil rights laws if the disparities
in its workforce were typical of other companies. Roberts ventured that Wal-mart might even
be a little better.Is it true that Wal-Mart’s pay disparity across the company was less than
the national average?” Roberts asked Sellers.
MY GUT FEELING is that given the pro business bias of the Chief Justice John Roberts,
the Women will lose their case!

Back to jokes!

Jennifer, a manager at Walmart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting
through all of the applications, she decided to call four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, ‘What is
the fastest thing you know of?’
The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.
That’s very good!’ replied Jennifer.
‘And, now you sir?’, she asked the second man.
‘Hmmm…..let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened..
A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’
‘Excellent!’ said Jennifer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliche for speed.’ She then
turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply..
‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch..
When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less
than an instant. ‘Yup, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. ‘It ‘s hard
to beat the speed of light,’ she said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed
the same question. Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to
me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’
‘WHAT!?’ said Jennifer, stunned by the response…
‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom,
but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already filled my pants.’
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.
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Ten best anwsers' to golfers questions.

#10
Golfer: “I think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”
#9
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
#8
Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
#7
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”
#6
Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”
#5
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction..”
Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”
#4
Golfer: “How do you like my game ?”
Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”
#3
Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”
#2
Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”
#1
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”

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An 86 year old fisherman was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up.’
He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the
voice say again, ‘Pick me up.’ He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, ‘Are you talking to me?’ The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure
that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride.’
The old fisherman looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully,
and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, ‘What are you nuts?
Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.’ He opened his
pocket, looked at the frog and said, ‘Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.