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Saturday, January 11, 2014

If you live anywhere near North America, you are aware that
people are freezing their assess off damn near everywhere this week. We’re not
just having chilly winter temperatures, though. Oh no. This time around TV meteorologists
have given us a new (to us) name for Mother Nature’s temper tantrum: the Polar
Vortex.

Let me rephrase that: Polar!!!! Freaking!!!! Vortex!!!!!

Apparently the term is not new to meteorologists. They know
all about global weather patterns and the fancy scientific names for them. For
reasons I will never clearly understand, they have decided to share the term polar vortex with the general public this week. Which leads me to wonder if
meteorologists have ever met the general public.

Agent K got it right.

We can deal with terms like freezing temperatures and wind chills. We've been hearing those terms for decades. We're comfortable with them. We understand that they are actual things that are normal. But if you tell us a freaking VORTEX is
escaping the North Pole (!!!) and turning a large portion of our continent into an
ice cube, what you have is a “situation.” Close the schools!! Save the
children!! You know those doomsday preppers we've all been ridiculing the last
couple of years? Well eat crow, motherfuckers, because you’re gonna have to
build a bunker and stock it with canned goods and water BEFORE THE VORTEX HITS!!!
AAAHHHHHHHGGGGG!!!!

We all have the SyFy channel. We know that a vortex is never a good thing.

Ok, ok. Calm down. According to meteorologists, there is
always a swirl (aka vortex) of air above both poles, it’s all part of the global
weather system, it’s normal and natural, we just don’t usually feel the effects because the swirly air stays up where it belongs. But this time, the swirly
air at the North Pole got all lopsided n’shit, thereby giving TV news people the opportunity to get
everyone all spun up about a vortex then go outside to see if they could turn
boiling water into snow.

Pro Tip: Using a Supersoaker is way cooler than using a coffee mug.

Some people (assuming Rush Limbaugh counts as a person) have
accused left-wing global warming alarmists of making stuff up to push their
left-wing agenda to save the leftmost wing of the leftiest side of our planet. Ugh, liberals.

Or something like
that. I, however, have another theory. It’s not political. It’s not religious.
But it is very, very alarming. And it is very, very real.

Which pole got a lopsided vortex? The North Pole. And who
lives at the North Pole?

This Guy!!

To be clear: I am not implicating Santa in any wrongdoing.
He is likely still in the Bahamas enjoying a well-deserved vacation with the Missus. That being
said, Santa does rule over a large civilization of elves who also live at the
North Pole. I am not implicating them in any intentional wrongdoing, seeing as how most of them work very hard
to help Santa pull the whole Christmas Eve thing off every year.

However, Santa does also have an intelligence collecting agency aptly named the North Pole Intelligence Agency (NPIA). The special agents who work for the NPIA are dispatched to homes all over the world right around the beginning of advent - because nothing heralds the birth of Christ quite like elf spies. Their
mission is to monitor their assigned children and give Santa daily behavior
reports so that Santa knows how much coal he needs to bring with him on the sleigh.

Yeah. Him. And many the others like him.

The average elf on the shelf is known to be both sneaky (they are, after all, spies) and
mischievous. During the holiday season my Facebook feed was full of my friends’
pictures showing their in-home elves swinging from ceiling fans, sitting on
piles of toilet paper they’d unrolled, and binge-eating leftover Halloween
candy, among other things.

To some parents, the elves are a helpful part of the
parenting team, a visual reminder to children that they really need to up their
game if they want the cool swag this year. To other parents (myself included)
they are annual reminders that some dolls are just plain creepy. See how the eyes are cast to the side? How
long do you have to stare into its adorable face before the eyes slowly turn
toward you and peer into your very soul? How long after that before it kills
your entire family in the middle of the night, all the while giggling like an innocent
child as a cheerful music box plays in the background? Not that my elf-on-the-shelf aversion has anything to do with some of
the movie viewing choices I’ve made in my lifetime.

My point (yes, I have a point) with all this elf talk is
that thousands (perhaps millions) of NPIA operatives who have a known penchant for mischief (at best) and are possibly evil murderers (at worst) all had to return to NPIA
headquarters after Christmas. Since they work for a jolly old soul, they got a week or so to
cut loose before returning to HQ.

It's like their Spring Break. Only elfier.

However they chose to spend their vacation time, they all had to report back to NPIA HQ on the same day. Their preferred mode of transportation is flying like Superman above the clouds. But since the legion of creepy-ass flying dolls all returned at once, the atmosphere could not sustain the impact of all their little bodies slamming into the same swirly airspace en mass. As a result, those jokers done popped a hole in the atmosphere, thereby allowing the vortex to get all
lopsided n’shit. To put things into a more scientific perspective: Popped Atmosphere + Lopsided Vortex = Frozen Lighthouses.

Move over Einstein. You're not the only one who can create scientific equations.

Now there is talk of us getting hit with another dose of polar vortex in the near future. My guess is because when all those elves saw what they did, mischievous and/or evil bunch of creepy-ass dolls that they are, they celebrated their massive power and then decided to see if they could do it again. Exactly when they'll try their little experiment is not exactly known, but it has been strongly hinted at by TV meteorologists who aren't above scaring the shit out of the general public to get ratings. But whenever they do plan to repeat it, they'll start off like this:

Gather, Legion!! The time has come!!

And we'll end up like this:

Is it cold enough for ya? Har har!

Some doubters may disagree with my hypothesis. But since my writeup includes a radar map at the top and a scientific equation near the bottom. I'm pretty sure that qualifies as some rock solid sciencey stuff right there.