Eight Crazy Nights (2002)

Is there a plot?

A degenerate drunk who hates himself and everyone around him is forced to volunteer with a youth basketball league and its decrepit elderly coach during the holidays.

What's the damage?

Poor Jewish kids. Not only do they have to endure a barrage of Christmas cheer rubbed in their face each year, but they don’t really have anything equivalent when it comes to Hanukkah entertainment. If Hollywood really is run by the chosen people, how come there’s a serious shortage of Jewish holiday movies? Perhaps that’s why, back in 2002, Adam Sandler’s EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS seemed poised to provide something special for the superstar’s Hebrew brethren, much like he did with his classic “Chanukah Song.” And…

All these guys must consider themselves Miles Davis.

…you’ll notice Adam Sandler hasn’t made another animated film since. That’s because EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS is an unmitigated, laughable disaster of a movie, holiday or not. It’s an embarrassment of epic proportions, both to religion and race. I know Jewish people who would rather watch a full-length HITLER ON ICE movie than this.

We don’t expect a towering achievement of heart and maturity from your average Adam Sandler vehicle, but I don’t think anybody could foresee the degree of human indecency in store here. EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS was marketed as a children’s movie, but your kids might as well watch FACES OF DEATH. (At least that flick is honest with its intentions.)

What’s next? The MGM lion replaced with a lolcat?

Filled with foul language, inappropriate “jokes” and just an unfathomable amount of scatological humor, the film seems to be an excuse for Sandler to make weird, grotesque noises for 76 minutes. It’s a constant stream of curse words, farts, burps, vomit, mucus, defecation—pretty much anything that can be excised from a human orifice makes an appearance in EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS. And that’s only the tip of the pukeberg. Here are some other things you can look forward to: someone eating an obese man’s used jock strap, Adam Sandler having drunken sex with his car, a plethora of overgrown body hair, a three-boobed woman breastfeeding, and what can only be described as a chain of deer dookie. But perhaps the loveliest image involves an elderly man being thrown down a hill inside a port-a-potty and emerging drenched in feces, only to be sprayed with a hose so that he freezes like a “poop-cicle.” The poor guy is only freed when a herd of guardian angel deer come to lick him free. (One of the deer even mugs for the camera so you can see the human excrement stuck in its teeth.)

At least the TOTAL RECALL remake kept the most important aspect of the original.

EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS is narrated by Rob Schneider, so there’s even a sense of hopelessness from the very first frame. Soon after, we’re introduced to our hero Davey, who runs out on his bill after getting drunk at a Chinese restaurant. (The owner of the restaurant is a racistly portrayed Asian man voiced again by Rob Schneider.) Davey distracts the cops by sloppily pretending to make love to his car before leading them on a chase while singing about the holidays with a song called “I Hate Love, I Hate You, I Hate Me.” This is all in the first five minutes. What a great way to start your family movie.

The absolute worst place for Siamese twins to be conjoined.

In lieu of jail time, Davey is sentenced to volunteer with a rec basketball league, which is a great spot for a chronically depressed alcoholic who’s less mature than the children he despises. He immediately begins calling the kids “shitheads,” telling the fat ones they need bras, and generally continues being a plague upon society. Davey is also put under the supervision of Whitey, an old man who is defined by his hairy ass, high pitched voice and incredibly annoying demeanor. (There’s also a recurring joke where Whitey keeps having seizures, because, you know, epilepsy is hilarious.) If you’ve ever listened to any of Adam Sandler’s comedy albums, you may recognize Whitey as a character from “Stan and Judy’s Kid.” Here the octogenarian has been expanded from a short skit to a full length feature without making him any more interesting or palatable. Though Whitey is probably the closest thing to a moral character EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS has, he’s almost insufferable on a second-by-second basis. His story arc revolves around him wanting to win the town’s “Man of the Year” award, but you can’t really blame everyone for ignoring Whitey considering he could easily be construed as a child predator. And he’s only half the problem.

Definitely don’t think of this the next time your grandma offers you a slice of pie.

You see, Whitey has a twin sister Eleanor, a recluse who‘s even weirder, has worse gas and is somehow more audibly annoying. (Also voiced by Sandler, she sounds like the lady from Sandler’s famous “Cock and Balls” skit turned to 11.) Together, Eleanor and Whitey form a brother-sister team so horrifying they won’t be topped for nearly a decade, until…well, until Sandler’s own JACK AND JILL. Unfortunately for us, Davey is forced to move in with them both when his trailer burns down, which sets in motion a series of childish hijinx, more gross-out gags and—just when you think it can’t get any worse—everyone breaking in to inappropriate song. Yet, in the end, hanging out with JACK AND JILL: THE LATER YEARS somehow teaches Davey how to value life, win back his long lost love and appreciate the holidays.

First The Beatles, now Adam Sandler. This explains so much.

The film is also marked by an unprecedented amount of product placement. And not just your average “character drinking a Pepsi.” I’m talking Whitey takes Davey to the mall and blatantly just names random stores, showcasing at least 20 different chains and the happy, smiling shoppers at each. The big emotional climax also takes place at the mall, where all the mascots from various stores come to life—including the panda from Panda Express, lingerie from Victoria’s Secret (voiced by Tyra Banks), the Foot Locker referee, the KB Toys soldier, Miss See of See's Candies, and a bottle of GNC vitamins (voiced by…Carl Weathers?). The living product placements break in to song and convince Davey to confront his dark past so he can finally enjoy Hanukkah.

EIGHT CRAZY NIGHT’s underlying message in visual format.

And that’s what’s most amazing about EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS—not how joyless or tasteless it is, not how absolutely annoying and despicable its cast of characters are—but just how little it actually has to do with Hanukkah. For the majority of its running time, this is just a generic holiday movie where a Grinchy guy gets a heart. It has almost nothing to do with Hanukkah specifically, save for the fact that the main character is Jewish. No dreidels, no gelt, no latkes, no Hanukkah songs. There is a giant menorah made of ice but it sits next to a giant Santa Claus, so that doesn’t really count. In the end we learn that Davey’s such a downer because his parents were killed in a car accident, leaving him only a Hanukkah card to remember them by. That’s just wildly depressing. Pretty much the only positive thing to do with the holiday, and the entire movie really, is a new version of Sandler’s popular “Chanukah Song” that plays during the end credits. Mostly because it signals the movie is over.

"Best" Line

A young child proclaiming, “Eat that nut-strap, biatch” and other family friendly quotes.

"Best" Parts

1) From every bodily function imaginable to Adam Sandler having sex with a car, enjoy a sampling of all the inexplicably gross and inappropriate content in this holiday film.

2) Yes, this movie is also a musical. Here are two examples of songs you can expect.

Nudity Watch

Nothing to get excited about. Just Whitey’s hairy ass and the cleavage of Mrs. Selman’s three breasts.