‘I’M trying to be positive,” I began my set under the harsh lights of the stage at Carolines on Broadway in my audition for the inaugural New York’s Funniest Stand-Up competition. “I was going to wash my hair with L’Oréal today . . . but then I realized I wasn’t worth it.”

Is it nerve-racking to compete against more than 200 comedians in Manhattan in this new competition to find the funniest fresh stand-up voice out there?

Oh, yeah.

When I had finished my best two minutes, the judges – Louis Faranda, entertainment director at Carolines and of the New York Comedy Festival, and Linda Smith, a stand-up comedian, writer, producer and teacher – gave it to me straight. So what’s the competition like?

Turns out both Bisconte and McCullough were indeed good enough. And here’s a shocker: So was I.

For the past three years, I’ve done stand-up gigs all over the country, ranging from open mikes to big shows alongside talent from Comedy Central. Along with 59 other comics throughout the city, I got the call late last week that I had advanced to the semifinals.

Tonight at 7:30 the first round will be held at Comedy Village (82 W. Third St.). Six finalists will compete Nov. 5 to see who wins the top spot. The New York Comedy Festival (nycomedyfestival.com) runs Nov. 6-11.

So what am I up against?

McCullough: “Paranoia is my favorite part of being high, because I’m a comedian, and it makes me feel famous when I’m not. I’m like [whispering], ‘Oh my God, everybody’s talking about me . . . This is awesome.’ ”

Bisconte: “This isn’t what I do for fun. If I want to have fun, I’ll run into a women’s shelter with a skillet and yell, ‘Where’s my dinner, bitch?’ ”

Yeah . . . I’m screwed.

How will it go? Check out nypost.com tomorrow for highlights from the show!