Bulimia’s Remnants

Already being in the depths of my eating disorder I asked him whether he knew what Bulimia was?

“A flower?!” was his answer.

Yeah! A flower! A fucking Oleander!

Oleander is known as one of the most poisonous plants on Earth! It can affect the nervous, digestive and cardiovascular systems, all at the same time. Reactions to ingestion of this plant can include both gastrointestinal and cardiac effects. The gastrointestinal effects can consist of nausea and vomiting, excess salivation, abdominal pain, diarrhea that may or may not contain blood. Cardiac reactions consist of irregular heart rate, sometimes characterized by a racing heart at first that then slows to below normal further along in the reaction. The heart may also beat erratically with no sign of a specific rhythm. Extremities may become pale and cold due to poor or irregular circulation. Reactions to poisonings from this plant can also affect the central nervous system. These symptoms can include drowsiness, tremors or shaking of the muscles, seizures, collapse, and even coma that can lead to death.

What a flower!

It and bulimia have certainly a lot in common!

Lovely Jennie has asked me about the diseased caused by “my Oleander”. So there are my answers. And there certainly will be a long post. I hope not to bore you with it.

I see three main reasons I’d had it with my eating disorder. Me, my relationship and my health!

Right before my recovery I was a walking corpse. I felt pain everywhere! Walking, talking, sleeping was unbearable. It hurt! Everything hurt. Even my hair I believe. I had to get out of there. To stay alive.

As I’ve written so many times here I had been diagnosed with Celiac Disease at the age of 12. But doctors said it could be treatable with a right diet, lifestyle and medicine. I was getting better when the eating disorder came at the full force. I believe it had deepened the symptoms of celiac and last year I was told to probably have the disease forever.

Additionally “the flower” left me with the whole bucket of illnesses I have to deal with:

Digestive Difficulties – a deficiency in digestive enzymes that have led to my body’s inability to properly digest food and absorb nutrients.

P.S. It’s also known that Celiac Disease (gluten sensitivity), and Crohn’s Disease may be triggered by a history of an Eating Disorder. So watch out!

Hypothyroidism – a condition in which the body lacks sufficient thyroid hormone. Since the main purpose of thyroid hormone is to “run the body’s metabolism,” it is understandable that people with this condition will have symptoms associated with a slow metabolism. Key hypothyroidism symptoms include constipation, depression, and fatigue. Pale, dry skin; sensitivity to cold; joint pain; elevated cholesterol levels; brittle fingernails and hair; and unexplained weight gain are other common symptoms. I’m still taking meds on this. Doctor says it’s reversible, so I have hope.

Depression! Duh!

Dental Problems!

Insomnia! Lately I’m doing way better on the latter. I manage to get 5-7 hours per night and that’s huge comparing to completely sleepless weeks in the past (in recovery I mean)

Lowered body temperature! Because I’ve lost and still not attained healthy insulating layer of fat.

Also I’ve had Kidney Infection. As you know kidneys suppose to “clean” the poisons from your body, regulate acid concentration and maintain water balance. And they just shut down at this! I twice was hospitalized while having an enormous pain in the kidney area. And I’m still taking medicine to function the organs properly. If not treatable thus can make permanent kidney damage and kidney failure more likely.

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41 thoughts on “Bulimia’s Remnants”

Not liking that it’s made you so sick, liking your writing.
Greta, I’m just so glad that you are alive and that you have a chance of having an Oleander free life. It is such a good analogy for the disease – a deadly flower that appears quite beautiful and tempting when you see it from the outside perspective. We have a lot of yellow ones here and I really like the smell of them, but always have to remind myself how deadly they are.
Health problems – argh. The digestive ones do seem to be common, I have lost count of the number of friends formerly with ED or still with Ed who have developed long term digestive issues, in some cases, life threatening. Thankfully my system is okay I think, but I do have IBS (which I prefer to call that thing doctors call your problems when they just don’t know and can’t be bothered finding out).
I’ve had congestive heart failure and still have problems with arrythmias and edema around the heart, kidney failure at one point.
I’ve got severe osteoporosis that led to both of my femurs – the longest strongest bones in our bodies – actually thinning to the point that they cracked, imagine that? Well that happened to me, and I wasn’t even walking about, I was bedridden at the time 😦
I get a lot of excruciating bone pain and nerve pain, also I have peripheral neuropathy – nerve damage. I have lost hearing and lost some of my sight, but thankfully not too much.
I have had my hair fall out! A few years ago, it all just fell out 😦 So did half of my fingernails, and I had an infected one that lasted for 3 1/2 years.
I lost all my muscle mass and got to the point where I was so weak I could not stand up and I could not even sit up or hold my own head up alone.
I have lost something like six teeth and had numerous fillings and work done on the others. The front four are missing meaning I have to wear an upper denture which I HATE but when I don’t wear it, that part of my mouth already has started sinking in, giving me an old hag face 😦
I’ve had depression since I was nine but I’m sure it’s made the depression much worse, I’ve also had unbearably bad fatigue that I just can’t seem to kick.
It’s left me with an immune problem – I have chronic nuetropenia meaning my white blood cells are too low – and when I get a simple cold, it nearly kills me, same with a scratch or simple infection. I’ve been in isolation wards for it a few times already.
I get really bad reflux and I actually have a lot of trouble keeping anything down even when I’m trying to keep it down, because vomiting has become such an automatic response to anything in my stomach. I just have opened my mouth and vomited for years, I don’t even have to lean over. And it’s very very hard to stop, makes beating the purging even harder.
I get very scared a lot. I don’t want this to take any more from me.
… I could keep going on and on. When I list all the ways this ED has hurt my body – it’s shocking.
It’s given me in return? Nothing.
Thank you for this reminder of why I need to fight, too. We all have to keep fighting. It’s just NOT WORTH all of this for something that ‘might’ just help us lose a tiny bit of weight (but a lot of the time does not) and that might help us ‘cope’ with our problems (but in reality, we aren’t coping at all).
Sorry for this ^^ but once you really start facing up to it.. it’s terrifying 😦
*hugs* I’m SO glad you are FIGHTING and thank you for inspiring ME, lovely angel Greta xxx

Good God! It’s shocking! I wonder how your small body has handled so MUCH! The bitch kills! I bet you’ve felt it?!

I still can’t forget myself for letting the disease going on that fare. Why reading about the deadliness of it or even small stuff like rotting teeth or losing hair, I’ve always thought – Neah! It won’t happen to me! And it did!

Now everything in repairmen: body, mind, soul! It’s hard but so worth it!
Thank you for your thorough and lovely comment, Fi!
xo

PS when I first saw oleanders – I fell in love with the flower until someone has explain what was hidden in the beauty of it.
I know you have lots of it in Australia. Your countries nature is so exquisite. You are so lucky to experience such an amazing beauty of it

I am so grateful to my body because it really shouldn’t be here, but it is, and that’s another of so many reasons to keep on fighting to live, Greta. Yes, we never thought so much of it would happen – and then when the reality did kick in, we were so far into our denial and lost in our disorder that it wasn’t really the reality check it could have been.
Yes, now the repair work.
Sometimes we need to be broken in order to be repaired – and I think that we have become stronger. Better versions of ourselves – what do you think?
Yes – it’s so seductive from the outside, isn’t it? Like a beautiful poisonous oleander 😦

Greta, my precious friend – please don’t waste your time, your energy, and put yourself in the line of fire from that person who is clearly mad and lacking in both empathy and conscience. She does not care how much she hurts you. Please be careful xxx

Hey.. it’s not YOU she despises. It’s US. I’m sorry – I know you are such a kind and gentle person and it does hurt (it hurts me terribly that ANYONE can despise me too) but try to realise – this person ISN’T worth it, she isn’t someone you would WANT to have like you.
And she’s probably jealous. You are beautiful, slim, you have a partner, you have such impeccable style, you have a lovely personality – all things she does not have at all and she will never have your beauty or your personality at least. And so she tries to tear you down.
*hugs* remember who your REAL friends are – that’s what matters xx

You made my day with these smileys lol. And believe your instincts, your gut feelings.
I find it’s helpful to think of someone I’m very protective of and love dearly, and put them in my shoes, then ask myself what I’d advise them to do/think – and there you have it 🙂 Love back xoxoxo

Your food looks delicious as usual. I feel lucky that I can eat shrimp too. And that I love to cook.

Greta, thanks for this topic and your story.

It’s good to tell this side of EDs. I cringe for people younger than me and who have less time in the grip of bulimia (and other EDS) because they still haven’t lost a lot of health and beauty but I know what can happen and I worry for them. I’ve had bulimia for over 20 years. And while I’ve managed to reduce it’s frequency quite a bit, I still haven’t stopped b/p.

Since you, Greta, have already made a detailed list of health consequences that closely matches mine I won’t repeat it. I HAVE ALL OF THE HEALTH ISSUES YOU LISTED except easily bruising. In addition, I also have osteoporosis, and pretty much no libido. I can’t emphasize enough the chronic digestive problems and the difficulty in nourishing myself when I have digestive reactions to many foods, a stomach hietal hernia and chronic inflammation of the esophagus where it connects to the stomach. I also wonder how people who get into treatment can take in and digest a normal amount of food after such damage to the digestive system. I actually do want to eat more foods and gains some weight too. I’m a bit under weight for my build and don’t have the fear of fat. But I do fear the pain of digestive problems. So this is an area I’m really researching right now.

Some thing that is different for me than most people with EDS is that I didn’t start binging and purging until my late twenties. And I had health issues before the ED emerged that weren’t caused by the ED. I was deeply depressed, had life long constipation and digestive issues, kidney infections and was often lethargic. I was not obsessed with weight or looks, that was not the source of my ED. Bulimia emerged out of depression, malnutrition and I believe it was an alternative to committing suicide at that time. So in a sense it was a distraction from something worse. It also helped me to have bowel movements and relived the lethargy. I know that is only an immediate relief and not a long term solution.

So, while I know that bulimia is extremely hard on my body (and mind and relationships etc), I had many of these problems BEFORE the ED emerged. I don’t blame it all on bulimia. Rationally I know that bulimia is not a good solution to constipation or depression or anxiety etc…. but the addict in me wants the instant results it gives. After so many years of this, I’m feeling ready to do just about anything to stop the bulimia. I have talked to my dear husband about this and we are working out a plan of recovery for me. I’m facing the hard reality that stopping the bulimia will mean going through hell, at least for a while. I’m scared that I’ve done so much damage that my body can’t heal and I’ll always be ‘crippled’. But there is some hope that at least some healing can happen. Continuing to do bulimia and there is sure to be disaster sooner or later.

I thank you, Greta (and Fiona and Mel and Kath, and numerous others in the blog realm) for providing these forums that feel safe to speak the truth and for giving me courage to get more help.

As I’ve mentioned to my comment to Fiona – I knew about the consequences of EDs, but I couldn’t imagine anything bad would happen to me. As well as you I began b/p quite late considering the whole period of my EDs. On the whole I was b/p only 4 years out of my ED 15. I guess I should be grateful for that too. Therefore reading about bulimia saving your life is painful yet defensible. It has kept you alive.
Also I feel your anguish considering digesting foods. It has been painful for me too. The pain, the bloat, the gas. Yuk! I too fear foods because of that, not because I’m afraid to balloon up (a little).

And my libido was back almost at the weeks’ time after I’d stopped my behaviors and started eating lots of healthy fats. I hope you’ll do just fine on it as I did.

On the whole, thank you so much for sharing so many private stuff. Bonding with others who have been/are going through the same experiences makes the whole recovery more bearable.
xoxo

I had no idea that EDs and kidney infections had any relationship, but in my worst states, I have always come down with a kidney infection that landed my bony butt in the hospital on I’VE antibiotics. My BF said it was because I had zero immune system, but the idea of kidneys filtering toxins, and considering the toxic waste site my body was at certain times (laxatives, diet pills, drugs, junk food, etc.), it makes perfect sense.

Here’s to shrimp salads, health, and cute dresses. All of the above are so much cuter than dying from what appears to be such a gorgeous flower. I love the analogy, btw. You are always so thoughtful.

Jeni, I had been hospitalized for kidney infections, at my worst times as well. I’m bulimic (ex bulimic!!!) however I’ve had (have) a big deal of anorexics’ tendencies too. I had starved for 5 days a week and binged on weekends for 11 years! By starved I mean 200-500 calories a day. That’s how I build the foundation of all those illnesses. And when I had started purging things just rapidly spiraled downwards.

You are so petite and fragile please be more attentive to yourself not to end up where I’m now after 10 years. I really worry. You are so beautiful inside and out. And so wise. Take a good care of yourself, sweetie.
xoxo

I think the worst ED deficiency, or consequence, is not so much in the health department as it is in the fact I missed out on so much life. So many experiences. So many opportunities. So much laughter, joy and love. My deficiency is in the lack of made memories. And the ones I did make, are left forgotten. ED has affected my brain enough to leave big black holes in there.

I know, I know, Sooz! It’s the worst. I lost my life to it too. The black holes are the correct description of the memory and past reality loss. I don’t remember a decade of my life! I’ve traveled places, met people, studied, and changed jobs. But I don’t remember! How the hell I end up where I’m now? Who the hell I am? Lost it!

The story of your date is very personal to me. In March of 2011, four months short of my first anniversary of being bulimic free, I described my last binge and purge in extreme detail (reading directly from my memoirs, with tears streaming down my face) to my ex manfriend, to the man who I loved so much.

His reply? It was something like, “Wow. I can’t believe someone can eat all of that food.” And that was it. He didn’t understand bulimia. He didn’t care to understand bulimia. He only saw it as something that I needed to fix, which I had fixed… but his reply was cold and ugly.

I saw him today. And he spoke about bulimia with intelligence. With compassion. And with an understanding and respect of my philosophy. He offered commentary about bulimia, without even being asked.

He reads my blog.

I think that we cannot criticise those who don’t get it… the civilians… because unless and until one is hovered over the porcelain, expunging their bodies of food, they will not understand.

PS: Although I eat lots and lots of fish, I am NOT a shrimp girl… but your succulent photograph along with Kath’s recent recipes are truly inspiring my taste buds; and I might need to create a gorgeous food design from the fish that is currently not my friend.

Thanks for being so honest with your health concerns and I pray for you that you’ll recover fully soon 🙂 Low body fats definitely makes one feel colder. No wonder I love summer 🙂 Initially, gaining weight is a scary task, but in the long run, it means a healthier and better you to enjoy the world. 🙂

I always wonder how many good people there are on earth. Your comment is so warm – I feel special. I hope and I desire to get well, to experience every minute I have of this beautiful life and see the unique things as you do though your lens.
xoxo

I had no idea oleander is so poisonous, but now that I’ve learned it, I find your analogy very good. Bulimia is among the most vicious mental disorders because it not only occupies your mind but also makes your body waste away. 😦

The flower itself is amazingly beautiful. And it does smell good. For the first time I’ve come across it in Greece. The appearance, the smell draw me to ran to it and pet the gentle lapels while inhaling the gorgeous smell.
Oleander is so damn attractive. As any EDs. But it’s always a Russian Roulette playing.

I agree with Sooz, the problems i’ve had have been mostly missing out on things, events or friendships because i’ve been too embarrassed of my body. But i’ve also had dental problems, depression, anxiety – palpitations, and IBS. I also tend to second guess every problem i have and think “is this the ED or is this something else?!”

That flower is a great metaphor for Eating Disorders! And they look so pretty and yet they’re so destructive. I hope your health gets better as your mind and your body change 🙂 xx

Thank you, hun!
I hope yours will get better too.
I thought I’d controlled my EDs! I always thought that the evil things I’m doing are for the last time! Even being in pain I’ve always justified my last binge(s) last purge(s). Last time, last day, last hour. Just this once and I’ll be better tomorrow. Never happened! Screwed up big time!

Very interesting about the kidney infection/ED connection. I’ve also landed in the hospital due to a severe kidney infection. They kept me for days because of my low blood pressure. I kept telling them that it was always low, but I’m not sure that made them feel any better!

I’ve also dealt with elevated cholesterol levels, bruising skin, body temp issues, depression, insomnia. Some of those issues are better now that my eating has improved. The major issue that I’m still dealing with is my digestive health, but I’m working on it! I’ve been wondering if you’re familiar with low-fodmap? I have ibs, which I think is similar to celiac and it’s suppose to help.

I have to google that low-fodmaps thing. Never heard of it! Is this what you’re doing?

I know that digestive issues are the worst. Even after a year I still can’t stomach a lot of things. There’s progress, because at the beginning of my journey all I could digest were fats, meats, tomatoes and black olives, also cottage cheese. I’m still suffering with most vegetables and fruits. Things that supposed to be so good to one’s body. Changing things slowly and quite successfully. But as well as Gel, I suffer with gaining weight not because of the fat fear, but because of the digestive issues. Being in pain after a meal in recovery is a huge challenge.

Yes, I’m doing this low-fodmaps thing because it helps with digestion a lot… It isn’t restriction based on calories or food groups or anything. Here’s a quote: “FODMAPs is an acronym (abbreviation) referring to Fermentable Oligosaccharides, Disaccharides, Monosaccharides and Polyols. These are complex names for a collection of molecules found in food, that can be poorly absorbed by some people. When the molecules are poorly absorbed in the small intestine of the digestive tract, these molecules then continue along their journey along the digestive tract, arriving at the large intestine, where they act as a food source to the bacteria that live there normally. The bacteria then digest/ferment these FODMAPs and can cause symptoms of Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS).”

So basically you avoid the foods high in FODMAPS and then try to slowly re-introduce them to see which ones you are sensitive to, cutting them out long term. Hope that made some sense! The above quote is from this site: http://shepherdworks.com.au/disease-information/low-fodmap-diet
but there is a lot of information online.

Anorexia basically destroyed my marriage. That was the biggest fall-out. I feel fortunate that I have escaped most physical side affects of my eating disorder; however, the jury is still out on heart problems (I had one TEE, and nothing was found, but I do still struggle with arrhythmia at times and my heart has already been weakened by scarlet fever.) Also, I used to have very strong teeth and now I have about nine crowns. My dentist told me that was because of malnutrition caused by the anorexia.

And then there’s the anxiety and the other addictions and…yeah, it hasn’t been fun. I am now forty-seven and I believe my body simply could not handle another relapse. I’m tired.

I feel your heart issues.
Physically.
Not emotionally.
I still can’t take a deep breath without feeling like I’m suffocating.
And the teeth? I’m very lucky. Despite having bloody gums, my teeth are in pristine shape.
You’re a fucking trooper.
(sorry for the swear word at your blog, Greta).

I get feeling tired, Angela. I’ve been so, so tired too, for so many years now. Pretty much most days I wish it was all over and I never would wake up again because it’s just so exhausting and draining. But we have to keep on hanging in there (like that energizer bunny (whoops sorry Duracell bunny.. hmmm copycatting going on there)
We are all troopers. I think it takes a lot of courage to keep getting up and going every single day. *hugs*

i can’t help but wonder if that guy that bulimia was the flower bougainvillea? this is a very pretty plant in the same colors as oleander. despite its beauty, it has very nasty thorns when you get up close to it.

There are three maladies involving the thyroid. Not everyone knows he or she has a thyroid issue even while exhibiting low energy or the inability to lose weight. One is an autoimmune disease and the other two are conditions.*

I’m Greta. I live in a small country in Europe. I am recovering from an eating disorder. But this blog is not only about that. It’s a cozy corner of my little life, full of passions for fashion, food, books and movies. Oh, and coffee... Coffee is the best thing to douse the sunrise with.

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DISCLAIMER

I am NOT a Registered Dietician, psychiatrist, specialist of eating disorders, personal trainer, or a certified fitness instructor. Everything I post is from what I have learned on my own and what works best for me.