It’s a slick trick that rose to fame back in classical antiquity (or whenever it is was people used phone books): Tack on an “A” to the beginning of your company’s name so it’s the first to pop up in the yellow pages.

An episode of “Cheers” even propagated the scam (deep cut alert — AAAA Painting? Gots to be good).

So it was with impressive foresight that when European slavers and imperialists descended upon the Caribbean, the more clever tagged their insular discoveries with “A” names (ignoring whatever the natives were already calling them, of course). Boom, a half a millennium later their conquests would magically appear first in Fodor’s guidebooks. (Humans used those in antiquity, too.)

Bravo, lads.

Anguilla, from the French for “eel.” Antigua, from the Spanish for “ancient.” Aruba, possibly from the Spanish phrase “ora huba,” or “there was gold” (though there wasn’t any). Yes, these are the first islands to answer “here” when class attendance is taken in the tropics.

But that’s just about where the similarities end.

So which to choose? Well, let’s find out. Whichever you swipe right on, here’s why your next vacation should be brought to you by the letter “A.”

◄ ANGUILLA ►

These days, Anguilla can’t help but to be mentioned in the same breath as St. Barts. Probably because the majority of its properties are more villa-oriented than anything resembling cookie-cutter hotels as it increasingly caters to yachties and other subspecies of the rich. (Pop lore has it that Paris Hilton came here a few years back, stayed at posh Cap Juluca, and ordered the staff not to publicize the fact she was staying there, lest she’d have them fired. They complied. But after a few days of no publicity DTs, she finally took to Twitter to de facto announce exactly where she was via photos.)

But unlike St. Barts, the forward slash-shaped island is still very, very doable by Joe and Jane Six Packs. There are 33 beaches around Anguilla, top to bottom. The sand you’ll find is whitetastically powderous thanks to a marine algae whose skeletons make beautiful bone-on-stone music with the island’s native sedimentary rock.

And because Anguilla is a little hard to get to (no non-stop flights, you’ll either hop over by prop plane or take a by 20-minute ferry from St. Martin), it’s also relatively empty and easy to disappear beyond its event horizon.

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Speed date the island by taking a Dennis Taxi & Tours boat ride around its perimeter (264-584-4383). Unlike many Caribbean islands whose architecture is strictly uniform (white walls, psychedelic roofs, rinse, repeat), the style here ranges from SoCal haciendas to Japanese imperial fortresses to lunar bases. You’ll pass by “Break Up Bay,” ground-zero for famous uncouplings like Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Pour a sip on the concrete to the fallen, then paddleboard about Crocus Bay’s crystal clear water. Little Bay, right next door, has a giant rock you can cliff-dive off of.

Because Anguillans are so eco-minded on the island, motorized sea sports are a no-no, by law, so no more getting run over by jet skis for you, dear snorkeler.

And there ain’t no party like a Bankie Banx party (he’s a local reggae star) — one attendee of his Dune Preserve fetes purportedly ate a pot brownie which marinated in moonshine for 90 days, then tried walk across the Caribbean Sea. Moral of the story: bring floaties.

For lunch, water taxi on over to private Sandy Island, occupied by a single restaurant, where the BBQ wings, mango meatballs and pasta salad are on fleek, and its booze turducken of rum+gin+bourbon cocktail Ship Wreck (looking like a goblet of blood) more than lives up to its name.

What’s new

It’s all smiles in Anguilla’s sparkling water. Anguilla Tourist Board

Did somebody say inflatable water park? Well, somebody’s in luck: the recently birthed Anguilla Aqua Park, located in Cove Bay Beach, is the Caribbean’s largest (if not sole) of its kind.

Besides the gazillion new mermaid classes around the island (Viceroy, et. al), there’s a new visitor’s center and trail at Fountain National Park, home to the only in-tact petroglyph of the Taino god Jocahu — he proudly reps cassavas; splurge on his spurge.

While “guest-room style” hotels are slim to none on Anguilla, there are a few new options. The 63-unit Zemi House Beach Resort, in Shoal Bay East, opened in February. Have some serious a-moan time in its spa which occupies a converted 350-year-old Thai rice house.

At most hotels, you usually you only see the name CuisinArt on your in-room coffeemaker. In Anguilla, it’s on the marquee. With one island property already under its belt, the appliance company is opening its second, the 80-unit Reef, in November on the south coast.

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Bedazzling a hillside in Crocus Bay, the forementioned luxury CéBlue (from $1,200) sports villas with thousands of square feet of outdoor space, private pools and Xbox-equipped media rooms perfect for hooking up a laptop and streaming totally paid for premium cable shows. The expansive villas come in multiple varietals of bedroom quantities, the largest peaking at six. The rates ain’t cheap, but if you’re traveling en masse with family, pals or fellow kinky couples, you can spread the monetary love around. And while there isn’t officially an “Italian Caribbean,” Anguilla (which almost sounds like pasta) would be the closest thing given all the gosh dang pizza it serves up. Pick a resto, any resto, and you’ll likely find it on the menu. The best is at CéBlue‘s Blue Bar & Brick Oven, which fires up pies in, well, you guessed it.

Who’s it for

Families, friendcationers, ‘za lovers, tourists booted from St. Barts by the gendarmes; agoraphobes

◄ ANTIGUA ►

Carlisle Bay is the cat’s pajamas.Chris Bunting

My best friend on Antigua is mixed, black and white, stays up all night, always has the munchies and is a serial killer.

Oh, and he’s also a scrawny stray kitten who calls the lush (and, to his liking, lizard-filled) grounds of my resort, Carlisle Bay, home.

Like Trinidad and Tobago, and St. Kitts and Nevis, 108-square-mile Antigua is in a brother-sister pairing with ittier-bittier Barbuda — and like that cat, you’re going to want to play outside.

To-do list

Allegedly there are 365 beaches on Antigua, one for every day of the year. But if you visit during a leap year like our current, 2016, spend that extra day on Tropical Adventures’ Excellence Circumnavigation Tour (that’s fancy talk for booze cruise). You’ll hit up Green Island among other spots to stagger about.

Historic Betty’s Hope.Antigua and Barbuda Tourism Authority

Or spend it back on the mainland hitting up fun geological sites like the sea-breezy, crab-inhabbed Devil’s Bridge (mind your distance from the ledge) and historic sites like Betty’s Hope sugar plantation. Slavery wasn’t pretty but its vestiges are they’re beautifully preserved in the form of windmills and ruins here.

In a lunch state of mind? Go east coast. Harmony Hall serves up loads of live lobster tank-fueled Italian fare and doubles as an art gallery with local works for sale — naked people seems to be a running, welcome theme.

When the sun sinks, and if it’s Friday, head to Nelson’s Dockyard for Copper and Lumber‘s seafood dinner party (some turf options are up for grabs, too). My feline friend more than partook in disappearing the leftovers.

What’s new

If you’ve missed the last 59 iterations of Antigua’s Carnival, you can play catch up when July 22-Aug. 2 marks its diamond anniversary. Later this year might be even more of a party as November marks the 35th anniversary of the island’s independence from the bloody Brits — #Antexit.

Property-wise, there’s all sorts of goings on: The $52 million Labahia Hotel Resorts and Condominium project; Replay Resorts purchasing 108 acres on Half Moon Bay for a new offering; the new 47-unit condo/hotel Pleasure Cove Resort and Spa; the coming 200-room Ocean One Project of Tamarind Hills; a new 10-acre, 150-room resort on Valley Crunch Beach; Nonsuch Bay Resort scheming on a $58 million expansion of 188 new condos and hotel rooms; and Blue Waters completing a $1 million renovation.

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It’s not often you get a beach for a front yard and a rainforest for a backyard, but you get exactly that at Carlisle Bay (from $630). The open-air lobby sucks you right in with teak flourishes and pretty bartendrixes up the yin-yang, while the rooms — cavernous — and their bathtubs — craterous — keep you smiley-faced ear to ear.

Who’s it for

◄ ARUBA ►

Hike amid the prickly flora in Aruba.Aruba Tourism Authority

With its gobs of gem and jewel peddlers, the lone “A” island to cameo in the “Kokomo” song looks as if NYC’s Diamond District floated out to sea only to trade out its bearded men in black for leggy flamingos in pink and its wobbly scaffolding for swaying palm trees.

And better yet, unlike much of the Caribbean, Aruba is ultra hygienic and safe (despite all that tabloid hullabaloo surrounding the Natalee Holloway tragedy a few years back).

Which isn’t to say it’s boring: from desert jeep ATVing and casinos to ancient churches and ostrich farms, the Caribbean’s Deep South has something active for everybody, no matter how oddball the request.

To-do list

Aruba’s famed Alto Vista Chapel.Aruba Tourism Authority

You’ve undoubtedly been quizzed about which three books/meals/DVDs/women you’d want if you were stranded on a desert island. This is not a desert island in the deserted sense — it’s one in the actual sense. We’re talking cacti, temps in the upper 80s/90s year-round and barren rocky landscapes (FYI: those corny rock stacks on the west side aren’t indigenous, they’re touristigenous, so feel free to kick over), the works.

Explore it post haste with De Palm Tours ($40 for three hours) — you’ll happen upon the cozy Alto Vista Chapel, the rowdy Natural Pool and the stately California Lighthouse.

Lunch at De Suikertuint in Oranjestad is a must: even if your mouth can’t handle pronouncing the name, it’ll handle chewing up their quiche just fine. Out on the back patio is best, where you can watch the birds watching you back, coveting thy plate.

What’s new

Psst, Aruba has millennials, too. At the island’s Academy of Fine Arts in Oranjestad, this is where local students enroll to disappoint their parents — errr — pursue a career in painting, photography, sculpting, music, illustration, all that good stuff (it’s the first and only of its kind in the Caribbean). Their space, set in a nicely restored former hardware store, is open and bright and is worth dropping by to see their myriad works.

There’s also a new solar-powered tram to shuttle you between shopping and historic sites, while the massive Renaissance Mall just welcomed Michael Kors, Burberry and Dolce & Gabbana.

While you just missed Aloe Wellness Month in June, you can still find a gluttony of such-themed spa treatments and yoga sessions island-wide.

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Last summer, two love birds tied the knot at the Renaissance Aruba — literally. They were pink flamingos who inhabit the Oranjestad-squatting resort’s private island, the only such one on Aruba (while it has a topless beach, the birds brazenly go pantslessly; you, however, cannot). All 297 guestrooms in the resort’s adult-exclusive Marina Hotel have been made over, as have 258 suites in its sibling Ocean Suites tower, who is the proud new parent of a revamped pool and pool deck (from $175).