“I AM THE WAY, THE TRUTH AND THE LIFE.” Crappy 3:16

Hello to ALL you bullshit-poser, 2-bit hack fuckin’ fakers and of course my loyal fans!!! At last!! Crappy’s Music Business end of my site. As with “Crappy’s Guitar 101,” my music business columns will also be a limited run of columns, and each one will be up an runnin’ as I complete them (just don’t set your watch by it). Again, as with “Crappy’s Guitar 101” I’ll be covering the painfully fuckin’ obvious as well as, in this case, maybe the not-so-obvious. So, sit back and enjoy my first installment and maybe your gray matter will begin to tingle. Probably for the first time WITHOUT pharmaceuticals!! Lol!!

Crappy’s Music Business 101: Episode 1

“When Are You Too Old To Rock ‘N Roll? Signs And Reasons It’s Not Gonna Happen.”

Yep, it’s a painful pill to swallow. I’ve chosen this subject for my first music business column for the simple reason that everyone needs to know this and no one has ever addressed it. So, let’s get right to it!

Are You Too Old To Rock?

The answer to this is in two parts. The first is, No, you’re not too old to rock. You can and should rock your fuckin’ ass off till you’re dead. That was easy enough, wasn’t it? Right?

The second part isn’t so easy. In fact, the real question is, are you too old to be a rock star? I’m going to tell you how it is. I–DID–NOT make these rules, I’m only telling you what they are. Rock ‘n roll is a young man’s game. It always has been, and it always will be. The age range for starting, building and having a career in rock, in other words, achieving, rock stardom starts about 15 years old and ends at about 30 years old.

READ THIS NEXT PART SLOWLY AND CLOSELY!!!!

IF, IF, IF you don’t have any upward and growing movement in your career by the time you reach 30, YOU ARE DONE! YOU ARE DONE! YOU ARE DONE!

Are There Exceptions? Well, sort of. . .

1. If you’re maintaining the momentum you have (meaning it’s leveled off) but it appears that it’s going to increase.

2. Your genetics. Do you look young? No matter what your age is, relatively speaking, if you look to be about 32 or under, nature has loaned you some additional time.

3. LIE!!…LIE!!….LIE!!. If you are one of the lucky ones that looks under 32, or are really under 32 (32 is the bleed off point), get into the habit of NOT TELLING ANYONE your true age. Because you just don’t know who that person you’re talking to knows, is, or is related to. LIFE IS NOT FAIR, so why should the entertainment business at any level and in any form be different?? “The Business” IS NOT FAIR. So, you need to do what ever it takes to get an upper hand.

Since when does any fucker need to know your age?? Huh?!! The longer you can maintain the “illusion“ you’re “young“ within the above age range, you ride it until “that dog won’t hunt” anymore. If you do say an age, typically, depending on your youthfulness, you can claim to be as much as 10-12 years less than your actual age. After that, your real age and your fake age must move in tandem. Exercise, use facial skin care products and talk to chicks/skin care professionals to find things to help your face and neck look younger. And, shave your face regularly because if you don’t, your gray facial hair will show. And, at some point you’ll have to color the hair on top of that fat head of yours.

People are alike all over. If you look young, but you tell your real age, 98 times or more, out of 100 you will lose the gig to a less competent person because they really are young. People will tell you one thing and do the direct opposite, i.e., THEY WILL LIE!!! So, you are just beating them to it. Every weapon at your disposal you had better use, you sure-as-shit better use ALL of them.

“What if I can’t pull off this age bullshit or I don’t wanna play this game???”

If you can’t or won’t play the game, you are done. It’s just that simple. It’s just that simple. 1+1=2, can’t play = You are FINISHED, won’t play = You are FINISHED.

“Okay, I haven’t made it yet, I’m over 30 and don’t look young. Why don’t I still have a chance???”

This is why you don’t have a chance. Teenagers are rebellious. Teenagers are looking for a rebellious leader. ANYONE…ANYONE….ANYONE who, even just a tiny bit, looks like, tone-wise sounds like, moves like, acts like, owns something like their parents, teachers, authority figure a.k.a “the man,” those teenagers will stay the fuck away from you, like a vampire stays away from a cross.

Teenagers will and do identify with someone like them, someone who looks like them, someone who acts like them. Someone who is cool. And, LOOKS YOUNG!!!! If you resemble my parent, teacher, “the man” example above, teenagers will NOT buy what you’re selling. Who did YOU like when YOU were young??? People who were like your parents, or Blackie Lawless of W.A.S.P., David Lee Roth, Eddie Van Halen/Van Halen, Bruce Dickinson/Iron Maiden and Ozzy?? To name a few, and that usually means having long fuckin’ hair. These are the reasons you will not make it. And, these reasons are different from an established act or person.

“But Crappy, I’m not a dishonest person, I won’t lie and I’m gonna do things my way on the up and up.”

Okay, knock yourself out, pal. You’re in the wrong line of work. And, if that’s all you got outta what I’ve written here, than you don’t deserve to have any success and you’re a moron. People who are rock stars, made it in some way BEFORE 30, and just got bigger from there. That is what I’m saying. YOU NEED TO REREAD, REREAD REREAD THIS EPISODE so it’s really in your thick, fuckin’ head.

“HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT:”

Homework assignment and a dare. I fuuuckin’ dare ya to find ANYONE, any-fuckin’-one who made it after the age of 32 and made it MEANS ROCK FUCKIN’ STARDOM. Someone who was UNKNOWN AND WITH NO UPWARD MOMENTUM AFTER THE AGE OF 32!!! I fuckin’ dare ya!!

So, if you’re over 30 and still look believably young/younger under 32, and willing to LIE, you’re one of the lucky ones and you’ve got extra time. So, you better use it wisely to your advantage. If you’re not a lucky one, you’ve always got a future in a tribute band or doing your originals at some local clubs. Yes, you can still rock, just not on the scale you hoped for. Try to find some solace in that. Shit, there are plenty of hot chicks at any age that would still be interested in hooking up with you after the show. There are plenty of young girls who have a “daddy” fetish that would like to “experiment” with you. When you’re done being their “daddy,” you can do their mommy, as in milf. So, don’t off yourself.

Insightful and straight to the point. I’m 22 and although i do yearn for recognition I don’t think I could cope with the downsides to STARDOM. I do want to “make it” but more in The “Behind The scenes” kinda way. Still, once in a while my mind does wonder off to think how damn awesome it would be for thousands to cheer me on so I’m stuck in that limbo. In any case I better get a damn move on. Time is a beautiful mistress that does not wait nor forgive.

turning 30 this month and It has been eating me alive.I Have accomplished so much including an album independantly released,toured the country,opened for national acts,and appeared on Howard stern. However,I have label interest through my manager but not signed yet. Turing 30 makes me feel like its over. However, I have alot of momentum going into the studio to record my 2nd album this month as well. Would love your opinion as I am curious as to where I fit in your theory.

Interesting Article. I am 43 and I agree that I cannot be the voice for the younger generation but that is no reason to stop playing because you are never too old to make good music. If you have something that is good and worth listening to, if you’re my age, don’t expect to have a poster of yourself on the wall in the room of a 14 year old girl or get the opening spot for Avenged Sevenfold. You can; however get an audience of people who recognize good music no matter what their age may be. Being famous and getting girls is always a good motivation to start, but if it hasn’t evolved into something more by the time you reach middle age, you might as well just hang it up.

Totally true, nowadays theres no rockstars really anyway, but alot of awesome bands with tons of different ages, and fyi while im not a fan, Ray Lamontagne didnt get a following till he was 38..and he looks 58..so there are no ‘rules’ thats just lame..worrying about your age and fame is about the most un rock n roll thing there is and proves how lame some people are these days.