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Buzzfeed recently came out with this list of differences between life in your early 20’s versus life in your late 20’s. I can’t say I disagree with most of it, but I want to add in and call bullshit on a few things since, you know, I’m an old woman now after turning 26 this month. PS: Anyone in their 20’s every notice how angry people in their early 30’s get when you call yourself old? I know I’m not really old, I’m just saying it because I feel like a 16 year old girl trapped in a 26 year old’s body. And because I’m full of shit. But really, early 30’s isn’t old either, only a few years older than me. The only thing separating us besides time is that I watched Mary Kate and Ashley detective videos and they missed out. I don’t know what they get so pissy about…

So here is my comparison of life in my early 20’s versus life in my late 20’s (“late 20’s” used loosely because I’m more mid-20’s 😉 )

The morning after drinking

Early 20’s: My life was a joke. My idea of “early” was 10am. If I put myself in an 8am class in college, I’d immediately drop it and brush it off as a brief moment of insanity while applying for classes while intoxicated. Then I would get drunk to celebrate my sudden clarity. I proceeded to do this for 4 years. Maybe 5. Okay, 6.

Late 20’s: My day starts at 6:30am and ends between 7 and 9pm. So excuse me if you think I’m a grandma for only getting moderately shitfaced until no later than 10:30pm on a week night. I just refuse to puke in a bathroom at my place of employment for self -inflicted reasons.

Someone was gossiping about me:

Early 20’s: I cared and cried about it and confronted whoever was doing it and let it go way too easily.

Late 20’s: I still care if it’s someone I thought was a friend, but I have an easier time accepting that they are an asshole. I have also started telling people who partake in this behavior that they should pound sand and never speak to me again. (No lie, I told this chick a few weeks ago to kick rocks). Then I blog about them.

Clubbing

Early 20’s: I didn’t like clubbing because I don’t like sweaty strangers and their boners poking my hip. To make matters worse, I’d lost all my Asian club-drug lord connects back in 2003ish, and Molly hadn’t hit the scene yet. Plus I’m awkward so I preferred to sit or stand in a bar instead of attempting to sway. All solid reasons to oppose clubbing. But I would go anyways and experience extreme agitation while throwing out a lot of nasty looks at guys for poking their sweaty boners in my general direction.

Late 20’s: I still don’t like the boners of sweaty strangers poking my hip, and I’m still awkward, so I prefer to sit or stand in a bar. Only difference is now I’m giving girls in their early 20’s nasty looks for wearing neon crop tops with tassles all over the place and cheap plastic rainbow jewelry. We get it, you’re into club drugs. But if you’re going to take them, go to a club and get away from me while I awkwardly stand at a bar.

Eating

Early 20’s: Fast food, Ramen, and taco/nacho/corndog day at Tilly (for all you Bridgewater State Alum), all day, every day, no regrets.

Late 20’s: Put it this way, I ate a small fry from McDonald’s late night last weekend for the first time in about 8 months and I still want to kill myself. I refer to it in my own mind as “that dark time in my life last week”, and when I think about it for too long, I can smell the McDonald’s burning through my nostrils.

Staying in

Early 20’s: These thoughts would run through my head if I stayed in: “What am I missing?!” “I can’t stay in on a weekend/Tipsy Tuesday/Wasted Wednesday/Thirsty Thursday!”

Late 20’s: These thoughts run through my head when I stay in: “THANK GOD.” “Anyone know any shows I can get into next on Netflix?!” “Taco night at my place, all two of you are invited! Bring Scrabble if you have it and I’ll even let you smoke a cigarette outside my bathroom window!”

Being dumped

Early 20’s: Eh, I was only with you because I was bored. Chump.

Late 20’s: I’m going to be a cat lady who spends her time watching conspiracy theory documentaries on Netflix.