4.08.2010

"Mom jeans" and the curse of the MILF

This post is participating in the Body Image Carnival being hosted by Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! and Maman A Droit who will be posting articles on themes pertaining to body image all week! Make sure you check out their blogs everyday between April 12-18 for links to other participants' posts as well as product reviews, a giveaway, and some links to research, information and resources pertaining to body image.

Why isn't anyone talking about the innate derogatory nature of the "Mom Jean"?

It's used to insult people's sense of style and figure, and ultimately, it continues to marginalize mothers - not women, but mothers specifically - because as we all already know to become a mother is to lose the desirable, beautiful woman she once was. MILF, anyone?

Looking like "a mom" is an insult, a dig, a dis in any case it's used to describe a person's look.

Remember President Obama and his "mom jean" debacle? His choice of comfortable, slouchy jeans was plastered all over the journalistic and blogging world. NY Magazine, The Today Show, Yahoo! News, The Washington Post, and many more. I mean, REALLY?? We spent how many valuable man hours reporting on the man's choice in pants because they look like "mom jeans"?? (To be fair, had he been wearing hipster jeans, I don't think it'd have gone over all that well, either, but that's not my point.)

And let's not forget Jessica Simpson. A size 6 on a bad day, she recently told Oprah, she was ridiculed and vilified for wearing "mom jeans" during a performance. Personally, I thought she looked great: curvy, healthy, and didn't have to worry about her butt-crack hanging out or her love handles spilling over.

In both cases, I don't take issue with people not liking the style, it's the branding it MOM JEANS that I find so ridiculously rude, degrading, and ignorant.

In modern society mothers are discarded by the mainstream as sexy, powerful women based on the caricaturization of a few. Yes, some women wear clothing that is frumpy and ill-fitting. Yes, some women choose not to wear make-up or do their hair. But that does not mean it is a "mom look." It is that particular woman's expression of herself and she might also be a mother. It's not the mother in her that makes her dress in an unflattering way. It's the woman that she is that fuels those decisions. They are separate.

That's the fine line here: It's one thing to say, "Hey, I don't like those jeans on that lady," and "Oh my God, she's wearing mom jeans!"

This SNL skit pretty much sums it up with the line, "I'm not a woman anymore. I'm a mom!"

I did a little research on this and UrbanDictionary.com had seven independent definitions for what a "mom jean" is. Basically, they're ugly, high-waisted, butt-flattening jeans that moms wear.

And I want to say this: NO. Some women wear them. Why do we gotta dis moms like that?? I also want to ask: What's so wrong with looking like a mother, anyway??

That question brings it all back to that fucking MILF thing again. Mothers are taken out of the pool of attractive women because their shapes change from nubile, firm, and young-appearing to that of a body well-used and stretched-out from creating life. The women who manage to remain attractive by mainstream standards look mostly like their pre-mother selves: slim, perky, and svelte; and certainly "put together" that many harried, exhausted mothers cannot muster the energy nor gather the time to do for themselves.

I remember a haircut I once got that was a soft, layered bob. I thought I looked like a soccer mom and I was devastated. Even I, a bright, intelligent, feminist didn't want to look like a mother even though I was one. That was early on in my transition to becoming the mothering, feminist woman that I am today and if I sat down and received that haircut today I'd flaunt it proudly, swing my child-bearing hips, jiggle my baby-feeding breasts, and boldly show off the mother in me. Because why not?? It's beautiful and wonderful and really should be the envy of all things right and normal in this fucked up world.

We have got to stop ridiculing women for their clothing choices, for the changes that happen to their bodies when babies enter their lives and we also have to stop putting women who freeze-frame their looks on a pedestal. I'm happy for the women who either have the time or the genes (or both) to look like they are without children, but it shouldn't be the standard for all mothers.

I know I'm preaching to the choir here since most of my readers (if not all) are mothers themselves and know exactly what I'm talking about. But I've been thinking about this for months and needed to get it out there. Just like calling someone a MILF is a back-handed compliment, calling jeans "mom jeans" is an outright insult and we need to get the word out.

I dunno.... what do you guys think?

[Ed. note: I think the SNL skit is hilarious. It's taking a mainstream idea and humorizing it. I get that. But I also think the entire point that being a "mom" usurps a woman's perceived womanness is sad. That's the whole point.]

You can't control pop language phenomenons. But even if you could, doesn't it seem nitpicky? The term doesn't have historical relevance. And while it has negative connotations, isn't it really an attempt to get people to look more presentable? Like when those who wear crocs, skinny jeans (boys) or Ed Hardy brand t-shirts are teased?

And I think the term milf has helped give rise to the idea that moms are not off-limits from being sexy. Is it crass? Sure. Does it imply that non-milfs are not sexy? Not at all. Being a mom and being thought of as fuckable are not mutually exclusive.

Preach it! I am one of those frumpy, little make-up, hair in a ponytail mamas. Then again, I was a frumpy, little make-up, hair in a ponytail childless women too ;)You should send this to Melodie @ Breastfeeding Moms Unite! *today* for inclusion in her & Maman A Droit's Body Image Carnival - it would be perfect!

@Flatspunk - MILF is a back-handed compliment, in my opinion. It means that even though a woman's a mom, she's still fuck-worthy. It's fine to use if all you know a woman as someone's mom, though. I'm flexible there. And the point about the "mom jeans" is that women always have some kind of obscure uphill battle in the world of our bodies. God forbid a woman dresses in unflattering attire, but why call her a MOM on top of it?? Why not just call her a bad-dresser?

I get that it describes, in two words or less a "look," but it wouldn't be cool if the jeans were called "retard jeans" either.

(By the way, women's shelters definitely work on language regarding "wife beaters" and the like.)

This is interesting. I think of the term "Mom Jeans" as "The Jeans My Mom Would Have Worn In The Early Eighties". Like a generational thing? Especially since the vast majority of people that use term are in their 20s and 30s. Their moms would have been wearing high-waisted, possibly tapered jeans in the 70s and 80s.I never really thought of it as a negative thing. I never really thought of it at all, actually.And MILF is just funny to me. Maybe it's because I'm fond of Tori Amos? :) But honestly--if Britney Spears or whoever had never put it on a t-shirt way back when, it would have stayed in the porn industry where it belonged. I think you could write a whole series of posts on how moms dress and how they are perceived. For example, at the mall yesterday, I saw a woman pushing a stroller who looked like she was on her way to the night shift on the street corner. So I think it goes both ways--either too frumpy or too something-else. I prefer the in-between. :)

I do hate the way that mothers are viewed as asexual creatures. Or, at least, GOOD mothers are viewed as asexual creatures. It's high time we got over this whole virgin / whore dichotomy. It's ridiculous and helps no one.

I agree with Sara Plays House, I think of Mom Jeans as jeans my mom wore in the 80s or 90s along with the big hair and all of those fun styles. :) And I have to admit that I love that SNL skit.

I am a mother of an 11-month old grappling with my new body shape and never stopped to think of mom jeans representing it. Even though I have a bit more muffin spillage than I care to admit, I certainly don't and never will wear what I consider mom jeans.

AMEN! I agree with every word. Attributing an undesirable style of attire to 'moms' is just insulting, as is 'wife beaters' and so on. Notice they both denigrate women. What if we just arbitrarily decided that polo shirts were awful and so started calling them Fag Shirts or Dad Shirts? For fuck's sake, just let people wear what they want. Who cares if they 'look presentable' (who is judging what is presentable anyway?) or not? Why is it anyone else's business what someone else wears? People who judge others based on appearance are the worst kind of shallow and I have no time for their excuses.

My husband calls me a MILF, and it doesn't bother me.I also think of mom jeans as something from the 80's.We also need to remember that after we have babies, most of our bodies are not the same, some women feel like covering up, wearing baggy clothes.

I keep wanting to comment on this, but all I can think of is... damn, their asses look good in that skit.

I mean, here are these women who are supposed to look ugly and frumpy in ugly frumpy "mom jeans", and bending over at every chance to show off their (supposedly fat and unattractive?) rears, and all I'm thinking is "...yeah, I'd like some of that, thanks."

This says a couple things, I think: 1) I am a sex-obsessed horndog (but nothing new there), and 2) popular culture is completely fucking out of whack with what is actually sexually appealing (given that attraction is, by definition, pretty much entirely subjective).

"And MILF is just funny to me. Maybe it's because I'm fond of Tori Amos? :) But honestly--if Britney Spears or whoever had never put it on a t-shirt way back when, it would have stayed in the porn industry where it belonged."Just had to clarify that MILF was either coined or originally made popular by the "American Pie" movies, NOT the porn industry.

As for the post, I agree completely. I've always been a comfy clothes, no make-up, ponytail kind of woman & being a mom hasn't changed that. I wear sweats more than jeans these days, but that's because my jeans are all too big & I don't feel like wasting money for new ones.

I actually think Jessica Simpson looks good in that picture. She didn't look good in the other pictures I saw. But, I don't think I look good in most pictures.

I kind of get the MILF things. People want to show that they are still hot after havig kids. Me, I don't feel that hot. I still have some baby weight to lose. I am also too tired to feel sexy. But then again right now I am too tired to brush my hair.

Great post. Really got me thinking. Yes, I think it's kind of cute if I get called a MILF and no I don't want the insult of being told it looks like I'm wearing mom jeans. But I would never say anything to anyone if they were, nor would I say someone wasn't a MILF. I'm nice that way. BUT! I see what you are saying about the problems with each label and now I'm slightly uncomfortable too. A joke is a joke is a joke but there comes a time when certain things aren't funny if they put us in a proverbial box. I'm really glad you found the carnival and decided to participate. This is certainly a "worthwhile" submission. :)

I agree with PP'ers who say that 'mom jeans' is a term for the jeans my mom wore in the 80's/90's. I don't take it as an insult to my motherhood - just a baaaaaad style that I'm glad is mostly left in the past!