Sometimes the news is just so crazy that I just skip this post altogether…and, the sad thing is that the stories I’ve chosen to put here this week are crazy, but they’re not the kinda crazy that makes you lose hope in humanity (well, except the ones about Oklahoma). They’re more of a squint your eyes and say, “Really…”

Sadly, though, for the last two weeks, most of the news stories that I’ve read online have been horrific. There’s no other words appropriate to describe them. And while I will sometimes post those things and offer some feedback, I just can’t do it this week. All I can say is, come on people….get your shit together. Be good humans.

Black Belt Beatdown at IHop

Note to anyone who may be considering robbing a restaurant…or any place, really. You never know if there’s a black belt in there who will beat the shit out of you (and a weapon won’t always matter because some martial arts teach how to disarm assholes). And, yeah, the black belt server definitely looks like he got the shit beat out of him a bit, but he did what most people aren’t willing to do.

Pregnancy Problems

Okay, so we all know how Christianity says that the spirit of God knocked up Mary…and we all also know that men remain virile even into their old age. So, my theory for the following story? Chuck Norris is actually God and he somehow managed to knock this woman up without having sex with her. Because, frankly, there’s no other explanation on the planet for the fact that this unborn child kicked a hole through her uterus and almost killed her.

Captain Jack Takes on the Police

WTF Is Mary Fallin Smoking?

First, medical and recreational marijuana isn’t legal in Oklahoma. But this woman is a special kind of stupid. Not only is our state squandering thousands of dollars per day on a special session (and our reps have one of the highest salaries in the nation for performing their CIVIC duty), but Fallin said on her Facebook page on October 18th that we have to put people over politics.

She said that in reference to the devastating cuts put into place that decimated a child abuse prevention program and outpatient mental health services.

Sure, we do need to put people over politics…but the politicians don’t really give a fuck about that. Continuing to destroy education, mental health care, and making it easier for abused children to fall through the cracks is much easier than raising the taxes on the oil magnates to help with the shortfall (meanwhile, we all pay extra in taxes this year for various things to help with the shortfall and our teachers get the short end of the stick financially). And, by the way, raising the tax wouldn’t take away jobs…because oil and gas jobs will stay where the oil and gas is located…and there’s a lot of oil and gas here. The politicians would just have less money lining their pockets.

If you’re going to be a governor…or a leader of any sort, you don’t just run your mouth. Lead by example. Get in there and get it fixed. But they don’t really want to fix it. They want to feel important.

Jesus. It’s been a week. There are so many stories I could bring you that highlight the craziness of this world…but due to serious time constraints, I’ve got two really fucking good examples for you.

First Class Ticket to Crazy Town

So, while I do believe that we’re likely not the only life forms that exist…I think that other life forms realize our stupidity and that we’re going to kill ourselves. They don’t need to intervene. I think they just kick back and watch.

Yet a man in Wyoming disagrees with me. He alleges that aliens filled him full of booze so that he could travel back in time and warn residents that aliens would land there next year. Police arrested him for public intox. I dunno what the fuck he was drinking, but I recommend rehab.

Sucky Wedding Photos

I don’t give a fuck (pun intended) about what others choose to do with their wedding photo session. Just keep in mind that what you post on the Internet is (a) out there forever and (b) subject to scrutiny and opinions you may feel like you don’t deserve.

Some newlyweds decided to have a little fun with their photo wedding shoot by simulating a blow job in the woods. The photographer became the center of backlash over the photo…and he basically said that anyone who didn’t like the photo (or thought the photo was tacky…or something similar) was essentially stuck in 1996.

So, yeah, that’s all I have for you guys this week. I’ve got a shit ton of things to do today despite another sleepless night. Wheee!

Since most people read this blog on Friday (according to my stats), I thought I should bring back a feature I had on a previous blog: WTF Friday. The purpose of this series is to highlight the ridiculous shit that goes on in life. “Humans are so interesting.”

Put the Phones Down, Humans

We live just a few blocks from Baby Bull’s school. In many states, the use of cell phones while behind the wheel is illegal or extremely limited. In our state, it’s illegal to text and drive. I don’t know what in the hell is wrong with people, but that doesn’t mean it’s just illegal on the main roads or the highway. Put. the. phone. down. when. you. are. driving. Especially when you’re near a school…when children are on their way to or from. As we walked to school this morning, we watched a car get rear ended because someone wasn’t looking at the road. They were looking at their phone.

The car that they hit was stopped at an intersection (because they had a stop sign)…and it is a place where many children cross the street. It’s where my son and I cross the street. We were probably about 100 steps away from the area.

Hurting yourself, destroying your car, or hurting another adult is bad enough…but what if this moron had hit a child who was crossing the street? Put your phones down when you’re in a residential area. Your text, Facebook, or email is no where near as important as the tiny little people who are in the area.

Charmin Makes Offer to the Pooping Jogger

Deadly Coffee

Turns out, that Death Wish brand coffee isn’t playin’ around. Well, okay, so it’s not like they’re trying to kill people on purpose…because killing customers wouldn’t create a profitable business. They did recall some of their coffee because its Nitro Cold Brew may have botulin as a result of the manufacturing process.

Idiot Teenager Calls Police Because Someone Stole Her Drugs

Yes, I do realize the first two words above are a bit redundant. If you’re gonna be a criminal, which I do not recommend, you should remember to avoid detection and don’t call the police to tell them someone committed a crime (theft) that endangered your criminal enterprise. What happened to the criminals we used to watch on Unsolved Mysteries back in the 80s and 90s that could go decades without getting caught?

Teenagers, stop. Your thought processes aren’t fully formed. You’re not smart enough for this. It’s not your fault – it’s biology. But a life of crime really is bad. Even if you don’t care about going to jail / prison, getting out and trying to resume your life is no picnic. In addition to the stigma, you’ll face difficulties finding work and even a place to live…you could lose your legal right to own a gun or to vote. You could lose the ability to take out student loans to go to college (even if your life of crime was a 15 minute mistake of sheer stupidity). I am a big fan of reforming the criminal justice system…but you really don’t want to be in the system. I can promise you that.

It’s Hip to Be Shit-Faced Drunk

Look, when you’re 82, I’m sort of in the boat of do whatever the fuck you want to do. But, you know, if you’re tough enough to still walk around when you’re 82 years old and your BAC is .3, you should probably be careful. An 82 year old woman is filing a lawsuit against Red Lobster because she got shit-faced drunk, fell, broke her hip, and spent six days in the hospital. Marlene Spencer, the plaintiff, was at the restaurant with a group of residents from her nursing facility. And her daughter had previous conversations about the restaurant over-serving her mom.

Rapture Weekend

All hail the lizard people…don’t tell your boss to drop dead – the rapture isn’t happening. You still need a job.

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