Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Mutant Powers - Underwear ESP

My sister was watching the medical drama "Mercy" when she commented that the actor on the screen was wearing boxers. I looked up, and all I saw was a man's face. It would appear that my sister has the mutant ability to discern what type of undergarments a person is wearing, simply by looking at their face. Some may find this to be a trivial mutant ability, as who wouldn't want the ability to fly, turn invisible, shoot lasers out of their eyes, or have full-on X-ray vision? But there is a great deal of practicality to be able to detect a person's underwear from their face, or as it is formally called, underwear ESP.

FertilityThe type of underwear a man wears can affect both his fertility rate, and therefore the ability to know what type of underwear a man wears can help a woman, such as my sister, to choose a better breeding mate. Some scientist contend that briefs, or "tighty-whities," can overheat the testes which in turn can lead to a decrease in sperm. Whereas boxers, or "free-balling," allows the testes to breathe and maintain a more stable temperature for sperm production.

SexFor a man, it is equally important to be able to know what type of underwear a woman is wearing in a dating situation. Research has shown that the type of underwear a woman wears on a date is directly proportional to her willingness to have sex, or "put out." A woman wearing a black high cut thong is more likely to have sex with her date than a woman wearing white cotton bloomers, or "granny panties." And a woman who chooses to eschew underwear for nothing at all can make the difference between a $20 fast food dinner investment and an $80 dollar four course meal and nightcap.

Psychological BehaviorA person's choice in underwear has long been a scientific means of determining certain psychological tendencies. White cotton briefs/panties indicate a person who is virginal, innocent, and devoid of imagination. Boxer briefs can be associated largely with sports and homosexuality. Boxers connote a partier and someone who generally likes to enjoy his or herself. Thongs are for minimalists who only care for the bare essentials. While those who go commando are adventurers who only care for the bare ass.

HolidaysSometimes it's difficult to figure out what present to get a friend for his or her birthday or holiday. Novelty underwear can often be a good present, but a lack of intimacy usually makes it difficult to figure out what type of underwear to get. Being able to tell what underwear a person is wearing just by looking at his or her face can eliminate this problem. And it also allows one to avoid embarrassing situations of discovering what type of underwear a friend uses.

So one shouldn't downplay the usefulness of underwear ESP. It can be a very helpful tool. And while it may not get my sister admission into Professor Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, it may help her get a gift, or admission into someone else's underwear, and/or a youngster.