I keep glancing over at the calendar on my cubicle wall while at work, and I keep looking at the date on my phone the rest of the time. We're getting so close to the start of the NBA season, even if it feels like a million years from now (which is, coincidentally, the same timeframe as when we can expect the Clippers to return to the playoffs).

Kevin Durant just picked up Team USA on his back and carried them to a FIBA world championship (America, fuck yeah!). Aside from further ripping the hearts out of Seattle basketball fans and leaving Portland fans cursing Greg Oden's name, that means we're left without any actual basketball activity for a few weeks. So what is there to do with that downtime??? The same thing we do every year -- make horrible predictions!

Nearly every sportswriter in the country will dish out their mindless prognostications about the upcoming season in the next few weeks, so why don't we beat them to the punch? Besides, who cares about making simple predictions like who will win the championship? I know you guys can do better than that. There are more bawful things to consider, like who will be the first player to get busted for possession this season? How many crab dribbles will LeBron get away with in the first month of the season? Post your thoughts in the comments. I'm sure it will be fun to look back at them after the season's done!

Sorry if you were going to predict that the Minnesota Timberwolves will take out a full page ad in the back of the newspaper to inform their fans that the team will suck again this year -- you're too late. This already happened. (And since I got the link to that article from a Simmons tweet, I feel I must include this: KAAAHHHNNN!!!)

You'll need to read the article to get a full appreciation for how amazing this is, but I'll give you a brief rundown: Shawn Darling, who worked as Shaq's personal IT guy a few years ago, basically accuses Shaq of doing lots of illegal activities trying to cover up a myriad of affairs. These activities include hacking into voicemails, changing phone passwords, throwing a PC with evidence on it into a lake, illegally obtaining restricted info on mistresses through people he knows in law enforcement, and finally this gem: "At that point, Darling claims Shaq sent him threatening messages, tried to break into his voicemail and enlisted the help of an active Arizona detective to master a computer program that would allegedly allow him to frame Darling for possession of child pornography so that Shaq could confiscate the computer holding evidence of his affair with Lopez."

So getting back to my previous point before being interrupted by so much bawful... we'd love to hear your predictions for this season. Head to the comments section and have fun!

1) Carmelo Anthony will be traded to a team that finishes between 7 and 10 in its conference. The Nuggets will finish between 3 and 6 with their new guys, and will outperform Melo's new team for at least 3 of the next 4 seasons.

2) Dominic McGuire will lead the league in Lacktion Report appearances. He'll get a lot of chances, and he'll blow a few of them by producing.

3) At least one of Miami's "big three" will show up on a TMZ-like site for either a traffic violation or a series of bawful party photos.

4) Yao Ming will play very well... for about 40 games. None of them will be in the playoffs.

5) At least once during the season, Michael Jordan will be caught on camera swearing at or about LeBron.

6) We'll get at least one "I can't believe the NBA don't want a franchise player with my scoring abilities" rant out of Allen Iverson from China.

"There are more bawful things to consider, like who will be the first player to get busted for possession this season?"It won't be a player, it'll be Paul Westphal. He'll get busted because of his medical marijuana. He needs it "because of the massive headaches I get from coaching DeMarcus Cousins and Tyreke Evans."

"How many crab dribbles will LeBron get away with in the first month of the season?"I can't count that high.

Shaq in reality is one of the biggest assholes in sports. Its staggering really all the horrible shit he's done. But he's "big Shaq" the funny gregarious guy. Fuck him. Its amazing through all the bridges he's burned and all the shit he's probably done he's seen in a positive light

I don't think Wolves had to write an open letter for us to know they were going to suck next season.

Anyway... my bawful prediction - Despite their formidable line up, Heat won't be a 70-win or a championship team and Spoelstra will get all the blame. Naturally, Riley will take over. If this doesn't happen this season, it'll happen by the next season.

Nick -- Nice coincidence there. For what it's worth, I started writing this post yesterday during my lunch break at work, but didn't have a chance to finish it until this morning (and good thing I waited too, or else I wouldn't have been able to include Shaq's latest adventures!), so technically that NBA.com article was posted just before mine.

That being said, I just read through their article. "Greg Oden plays all 82" HAHAHAHA, oh man, I haven't laughed like that in years. Well done, Shaun Powell. The only thing that would have been better is if he included Yao Ming in that prediction.

1. Blake Griffin and Gregg Oden both have season ending injuries during the first three weeks of the season.

2. Miami-Dade County Sheriff's department presses charges against Stan Van Gundy for allegedly having sex with 3 different 17 yr. olds while coaching the Heat back in 2005.During the interrogation process SVG is quoted saying. "Why did I never do what Pat Riley does?! I should've just thrown some money at those girls and save me all this trouble.

3. With Griffin done for the season the Clippers go to "Plan B". Which is... bringing Elton Brand back to L.A.

Despite leading the league in rebounding per minute, Kevin Love is benched for Michael Beasley. After the Wolves lose their next game by 30, an unembarrassed David Kahn says something about "experimenting with diverse lineups for a future playoff run." Much mockery ensues.

The Cavaliers go on a three week run in which they win most of their games. A chorus of "who needs LeBron" follows, after which Cleveland loses its next six games.

Aaron Brooks is traded to a crappy team and starts putting up Monta Ellis numbers.

Anthony Randolph starts to cash in on his potential as an all-world defender under the tutelage of Mike D'Antoni. At the same time, Raymond Felton and Toney Douglas regress. Value of coaching questioned for the umpteenth time.

- Yao breaks down again. I don't understand why people even wait for him to come back. He'll probably never play a full season again. His only reamaining value on the court is as a novelty (the huge chinese guy)- Knee mac will not play after allstar break, either injured or crying over minutes- Zach Randolph is who we thought he was.- Kobe's continues to decline athletically- Bosh complains about touches as soon as miami starts losing- Artest, now that he has a ring, will have trouble containing his crazy side-The bulls will disappoint

Derek Fisher continues to carry the Lakers when it matters while Kobe is fairly irrelevant. Commentators attempt to cover his irrelevance by screaming, "Look at that rebound! He's doing whatever it takes!!," as 4 Celtics never cross the 3 point line and trot back down the court.Wait, that was this season...

After many pregame dances and early season wins, Lebron throws the chalk, Wade and Bosh tire of having to pretend to pass out when he does so, Riley takes over, Lebron casts himself as "the next Magic" but will only pass to Big Z, Lebron fakes an injury and jogs in circles in round 2, Wade crashes to the floor 350 times trying to create his own shot. Riley blames Stan Van Gundy.

- Yao breaks down again. I don't understand why people even wait for him to come back. He'll probably never play a full season again. His only reamaining value on the court is as a novelty (the huge chinese guy)

You got this all wrong! They are limiting his minutes to the magical 24! This is sure to work!

- Knee mac will not play after allstar break, either injured or crying over minutes

No, no, no! T-Whack will be a efficient 20+ ppg scorer. He said he feels BETTER THAN EVER!!!!!

- Zach Randolph is who we thought he was.

Nope. 1st team All NBA!!!!!

- Kobe's continues to decline athletically

Yep.

- Bosh complains about touches as soon as miami starts losing

Nope. Chris Bosh is a proven SUPERSTAR and a proven winner and team player!!!!!

- Artest, now that he has a ring, will have trouble containing his crazy side

I got it. Bosh's new nickname: SUBSTAR (Cortez's post inspired this). Defined as a basketball player who is a star, but not as good as the other Superstars on his team. That, or it's a new term for the sixth man.

Anon, re: Bobcats and Denver - I think I started these rankings a while ago, so it might not include Tyson Chandler leaving the team. But I'll take the addition via subtraction of DJ Augustin in the Bobcats system to make them hit around last year's mark. However, this also assumes Tyrus Thomas plays at a medium high level and Boris Diaw being less fat, so yea, I wouldn't put money on them making the playoffs.

As for Denver, I can't see them succeeding through this Carmelo drama story. With or without him, I see the wins number about the same, which unfortunately for them, still puts them near the bottom of the 3-10 slots in the West (all within 5 games according to my guesses). George Karl is a wild card too.

In retrospect, I should probably drop Utah a bit more since I don't believe in Al Jefferson, and their kinda crappy new uniforms. And 7 and 8 seeds in the East might both be 42 wins or less. (I don't buy into the New York hype (obviously) as a Suns fan, and don't think NJ can turn around a 12 win season with Avery and the "help" for Lopez gained this offseason.)

A little Google research tells me that the blogrolling.com site has recently been flagged by Google Chrome and Mozilla Firefox as malicious, but nobody can seem to figure out exactly why, and there hasn't been any kind of official statement or response about it yet because it's so new. We use the Blogrolling site to create the Word of the Day and Links section on the right-hand sidebar. I'll keep an eye on the situation, but as of right now it sounds like a false alarm. If I find out otherwise, I'll remove those parts from the site until they get it corrected.

Thunder fail to live up to any of the expectations, resulting in a bunch of old commentators nodding sagely and commenting on how "you can't replace experience". No one will ever show them their summer predictions, 'cause that would be mean.

"...hacking into voicemails, changing phone passwords, throwing a PC with evidence on it into a lake, illegally obtaining restricted info...threatening messages...enlisted the help of an active Arizona detective to master a computer program that would allegedly allow him to frame Darling for possession of child pornography..."

Yep, sounds like he really IS gearing up for his post-basketball"law enforcement" career

hey, when I go to your blog on chrome, it says:"The website at basketbawful.blogspot.com contains elements from the site rpc.blogrolling.com, which appears to host malware – software that can hurt your computer or otherwise operate without your consent. Just visiting a site that contains malware can infect your computer."Just a FYI

Speaking about messages, there are (or were, 'cause I don't see any link by now) some broken "Word of the Day" links.

- Everybody gets in "hero mode" in a strange reaction to the upcoming NBA lockout, and it's the season with the worst shooting%, less assists per game ratio, more turnovers... and the real fuckin' best highlights in history.

1) Thunder will disappoint just about everyone on earth by barely sneaking into the playoffs and got bounced in the 1st round. In other words - regression like Chris Paul's Hornets.

2) Wolves, Raptors and Cavs will combine to win less games than the Miami Heat (My guess is 60).

3) The Blazers will finally be healthy (Well Oden will still miss half of the season, but that's 'relatively healthy' for him), then all the journalists and their fans realize they are still nowhere close to challenge the Lakers.

4) The Knicks acquires Carmelo; then quietly position themselves for the Chris Paul sweepstakes in 2012. Yikes

5) The Spurs die a slow, painful death.

6) The sorry faces of LBJ, Wade and Chris "The Lapdog" Bosh after they got their asses kicked by Kobe in the Finals on every sport page cover in June.

MVP: Dwight HowardROY: John Wall (only because Cousins will get busted for multiple drug/gun/whatever possession charges; and Griffin will break sth again because nothing good ever happens to the Clippers)Finals: Lakers over Heat