Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Top 10 Revelations in Dick Cheney's Upcoming Memoir

At the end of this month, conservative publisher Threshold Editions is publishing former Vice President Dick Cheney's memoir, In My Time. Many fellow Republicans are eagerly lining up to buy the ex VPOTUS's book even though they're unaware of its contents. But advance copies have been sent out to reviewers (ARC's) and some revelations have been leaked out. What were the top ten revelations in Mr. Cheney's memoirs?

10) During Cheney's tenure as Halliburton's CEO, then-subsidiary KBR imprisoned and raped the US taxpayer while ensuring it couldn't be sued.

9) One of Cheney's five deferments that kept him out of Vietnam was after showing up at the Casper draft board wearing nothing but assless chaps and a coy smile.

8) The shotgun spree killing on Highway 666 in 1968 was way overblown.

7) Expressed frustration over intimidating Harry Wittington into covering for him since he'd already shot him in the face with a shotgun.

6) Said there "was almost no chance" that wife Lynn Cheney engaged in a lesbian threesome with Billie Jean King and Melissa Etheridge.

5) Particularly heartwarming epilogue recounts the time Cheney reluctantly called off the mob hit on lesbian daughter's partner, Heather Poe.

4) Admitted to successfully pulling practical joke on Bush on April 1, 2001, by saying, "It's a presidential hazing ritual, George. Ford did it in 1974. Now hold this towel and stay in the bathroom during the National Security Council briefing."

3) Confesses to smelling like brimstone and goat blood every evening after midnight.

2) Bloodletting is his secret to longevity, especially if it's let from an Afghan child's body into his.

1) After President Bush nearly choked to death in early 2002, Cheney and Arlen Specter exonerated the VP by concocting "magic pretzel" theory.