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I want to say it's "none of your fucking business," but I should probably handle it better. Advice?

Edit: Thanks for the advice everyone. I guess I could expand on why exactly I don't want to tell them.

It's my wife who is having the problem, and it is hitting her hard. She isn't ready to talk to anyone about it yet, and I think a big part of it is that she sees it as giving up or admitting that we won't have our own kids. Plus, I come from a very religious family. We are not religious, and I feel confident that members of my family will view this as punishment for turning our backs on god.

I think this, because I've heard them say it about other people. I may be projecting, but the thought of them all talking amongst each other about how if we would just bring god back into our lives we would have kids makes me rage inside.

Now this is something we are asked constantly by my parents, siblings and even their church friends whom I don't even know. "When are you going to have kids?" Every damn time. I usually reply with "We're not ready."

However, we're both in our 30s and are financially stable so we are starting to get the "you'll regret it" talks.

Adoption is not something we've ruled out, but it's not easy to just go adopt a kid, and we both feel upset about the idea of constantly having people tell us "the baby has your nose" or whatever, when we know that's not true. That feeling may go away if we decide to adopt a child, but for now it is a real feeling of sadness for us.

I suppose the best answer is just to tell them and suck it up, we'll see how that goes as we're seeing my family this weekend and I'm sure we'll get asked it several times.

My husband and I, for medical reasons, chose not to have children. We eventually just started telling people that children aren't in our immediate future and if that changes they would hear about it. If they keep pushing, you can either elaborate or tell them it is private.

I am in a similar situation with my girlfriend. It's getting to the point where we are considering marriage, but my own health issues and other genetic issues in my family pretty much make it too risky for me to have children. I honestly couldn't bring someone into the world knowing they'd end up with what they're at risk for.

How do I tell this to my girlfriend? I'd never marry her without telling her, but I feel the need to be candid as soon as possible.

It's also not like I've been hiding it...it only really occurred to me when I've begun thinking about marriage and the ramifications of having children. Any advice?

For us it was easy. We both have cancer, mental illness, auto-immune diseases, and Downe Syndrome in our families. I was very upfront from the beginning that I don't want children and that I probably shouldn't be a mother. He felt the same way. You have to be honest with her and tell her you feel you can't pass on a bag of faulty DNA. If she can accept that and sees other alternatives, great. If not, it it better to know now than to put years and tears into a relationship that will inevitably end over the issue.

Just sit her down and discuss it. Ask what she thinks about children, if she really strongly desires kids of her own or if other options are okay for her. Is it a deal breaker for you if she must have biological kids? If so you will want to lay that out as soon as possible, maybe talk to doctors to see how likely it is that your health issues will be passed down.

It's much better to have this discussion sooner rather than later, I've seen couples fall apart because they both figured the other person might change their mind or that they were okay with a compromise that they really weren't 100% on.

Just tell them that you are unable to have kids, it'll make them uncomfortable and they'll shut the fuck up. My wife and I heard that for years. We however just found out that she's pregnant after doing in vitro. It's tough, I'm sorry you have to deal with infertility.

You've had limited experience with people who just love to be "helpful." There are plenty of people who, without being told not to, would love to recommend all the latest miracle cures they've read about, or other things to make it all better. Any reason to keep injecting themselves into your lives to make them feel better.

My aunt and uncle were in a similar situation -- told by doctors they were infertile and would almost certainly never conceive. They decided to adopt, and after going that route twice, they discovered (surprise!) they were pregnant.

So, you never know. Tell your wife that just to be safe, you two should have lots of sex.

They will also say incredibly fucking horrible things because they are too dumb to live. Frinstance: I have a friend who can't have children. Everyone we know knows it. She's very sad about it but she's up front about it too during conversations. So what do two dumb bitches do when one of them gets pregnant? Stand in front of her talking about how "you never really feel like a woman until you get pregnant, do you?"

Fuuuuuuuck, her face when they said that shit. I wanted to punch some stomachs that day.

Been there. I was told I would never have kids, then it was never carry a pregnancy to term. I did happen to prove the doctors wrong, but not before dealing with 5 years of suffering at the hands of "helpful" family members and friends. Nothing hurt worse than my mother looking at me and telling me I should never be a mother, just a couple weeks after losing my daughter Celeste at 25 weeks to HLHS and prematurity. Ouch...

This. My husband and I have been through three miscarriages and people will says the dumbest shit when we're around--usually intentionally. The latest? One of his brothers saying "Well, SOMEONE has to carry on the family name."

Let them get about three sylables in and punch them in the throat. As they look up, still choking on their own mucus and thoughtless words, just shug, look them dead in the eye, and say, "I needed you to shut up about it, and clearly subtlety doesn't work on people like you."

Yes, sometimes people are really stupid and do need to be told this. We had some pretty insensitive things said to us when we were dealing with this same issue including "well, having kids is selfish anyway." In what way was that helpful or consoling? People would so often dismiss our feelings. I can't tell you how many times I heard "oh you can always adopt." I realize they were trying to help / solve our problems for us but that wasn't an answer to our pain and really wasn't helpful. I (the wife) took it really hard as it was my body betraying our future and my dreams and it took awhile to heal and eventually move on. Our story turned out happy in the end. I suspect this will get buried but it does get better, OP, and I wish you the best. Do as CalamityJaneDoe said and protect your wife and get them to drop the pressure.
edit:typo

I agree with just answering them truthfully. All you have to say "We cant have kids" followed by "It's a tender issue that I don't like to talk about." Most people will not continue pressing the issue after that. No reason to be mean or get upset. It is a question people are going to ask married couples. The vast majority of married couples have kids or plan on having kids, so it is understandable why you would get asked often.

As a side note to people saying "I'm never having kids because i want to spend all my monies on me." Or bashing having kids. Priorities change. Back in the college days I had multiple classes where we looked at statistics (cant remember the sources) that showed that the vast majority (80-90% if i remember correctly)of people who claim at one point to not ever want to have kids end up having kids. This is not to say that everyone will have them, or the people in this thread will, but you never know what your mindset or priorities will be in your future.

I wish you and your wife the best of luck with getting preggers, but just understand people are going to ask, and there is a right and wrong way of handling people asking uncomfortable questions. "None of your fucking business" is usually the wrong answer.

My ex and I went through five years of infertility hell and 5 invitro attempts (two were successful). We used to say "We practice all the time!!" and that made them laugh and not notice when we changed the subject. If the asker still didn't get a clue and persisted in asking, we'd let them know we were diagnosed with a serious fertility issue and that we were exploring options (or actively pursuing them). It always made them uncomfortable, but what are you going to do. Of course, that always led to them telling me about their aunt's cousin's sister's friend who "just relaxed" and miraculously got pregnant. I could have relaxed stark naked in a wading pool full of my husband's ejaculate and we still wouldn't have gotten pregnant without a team of microbiologists and a lot of luck.

Sort of unrelated, but a few weeks ago, 2 neighborhood kids were going up to every house and asking folks if they had any kids. They were clearly just looking for new kids to play with, but after they left, I was kicking myself for not asking them "why, are you guys for sale?"

My wife is infertile. We honestly just say that We can't have kids and they just shut up usually. What we did since we didnt want to try the invitro route but still wanted kids is that we are doing foster care. We got 2 little girls ages 2 and 3. We get paid for the kids so that helps financially. The girls oddly enough look like us. They are gaining our mannerisms already.

It looks like their mom is going to get TPR'ed in a month (termination of parental rights) and we will be able to adopt them. The state will pay for us to adopt them and we will get a monthly stipend until they are 18. Maybe you should look into the foster programs. Some agencies allow you to meet the children before you take them into your home allowing you to know their history and know what you are getting into.

You may not be able to have kids, but there are a lot of kids that aren't able to have parents that give a shit. If you or anyone else wants info on the foster care program or system let me know. I will answer any question you have.

Back to the question though. Just be up front. People can't have kids. Its a way of life. If you feel comfortable enough, just say "We can't have them" and move on. There is no shame in it. 99.9% of the time, people don't push the subject at all.

My wife has cancer and chemo has taken away the ability for her to carry a child. I used to be tactful when responding to people like this. Now, I just say "yeah, we can't have kids because my wife has cancer." That usually shuts them up...and hopefully teaches them a lesson to not make assumptions or ask insensitive questions.

Make sure to cling to them in a bear hug like manner so they can't get away. Cry for about 3-4 minutes. Do this somewhere very public and I can almost guarantee you that you will not be asked that question by anyone who is present.

Took about 2 years but telling everyone in the family that "We are taking a collection and the target goal of $100,000 has not yet been met, would you like to donate?" has shut up the relatives and they don't ask anymore. If they ask for kids, you ask them for money.

Got married at 28 and wife was 31, even before we were married people "joked" about us having kids, shotgun wedding, etc... We were sick of the badgering so we went with asking people for money to make it stop. It was just as forward as their question and got relatives (my parents who only had one kid, should have had more if you wanted grandkids sooner pops!) off our back. We figure the average adoption is $35K, so $100K would get us 2 and me a new truck. :)

Wait it costs $35k for an adoption? Holy shit. My parents adopted me and my brother and now they have maybe $5k saved up between them. I never realized how tough financially it was for them...just wow.

My mom and mother-in-law used to ask my wife and I all the time in the few years leading up to our son's conception. We started to reply with, "every time you ask, we wait another year." It didn't stop them from asking altogether, but I think they got the hint because they definitely asked a lot less frequently after that.

Yes but it still is a close call. My greatest sorrow in life is beeing infertile and reminding me of that hurts like hell. It's like asking parents who lost their child if they miss their child. Occasionally I cry myself to sleep over the kid I never had.

As a 30yo woman I frequently get asked this question, and 9 times out of 10 this is my response! "Oh we're still just practicing". The look on my boss's face was epic. She just stood there dumbfounded to which I replied, "If you ask a highly personal question, you should expect a highly personal answer"!

This is exactly it. We have to face and share the truth or deal with the same question over and over. Sure, there is always going to be somebody new that you have to tell, but it will get easier with acceptance and practice.

The problem is when you've lost a child and are expecting again people react that way. My husband and I lost a daughter last year 6 days after birth to a genetic disorder. We are expecting another little girl (she is healthy and has tested negative for chromosomal issues) and it's tough when people ask of if this is our first. We don't like saying no, because that isn't true, but when you tell people the first child died all the color drains from their face. If I mention anything from my last pregnancy people get uncomfortable too. Trust me, if you're not comfortable in awkward situations, be careful with this one. And while it works on strangers, my mother still kept asking when we were going to start trying again.

Thanks. It's been a hard year (her first birthday would have been Sunday) but we have come through it well. We are expecting a very healthy little girl in December. I think the idea of using this is good, but it is hard to prepare for the look you get when you say something like this to others. It is not for the faint of heat.

Just start crying every time they ask. My wife and I used to do that: she'd hold herself and make sniffling noises, and I'd look them in the eye, and say, "Thanks. Thanks for asking." My soul is a festering pit, so when I deadpan, it's extra creepy.

Of course it was all fun and games until it turned out we actually had fertility issues. Took about 3 years to have the first one, then baby #2 required four more years and something on the level of $30,000 worth of medical intervention, and once you have one, then the people who would otherwise have enough brains to steer clear of what could be a sensitive issue will start giving you advice on your spacing and shit like that.

I have two close sets of friends who recently gave up, and started looking into adoption. One of them has two sisters who have 3 and 5 kids respectively, and it's her guy who has the fertility issues so that's a total mindfuck. And the other couple has roughly the same issues my wife and I had...I gave them a lot of positive encouragement and advice, and now I can't help feeling like an asshole that it didn't work out.

Sorry man, I wish it'd turned out better for you.

Edit: I guess this comes off as a harsh response, but I view that question as extremely personal, and my usual response to people asking overly personal questions is to make them regret that decision. Deeply.

"In spite of our best efforts, it appears nature has a different plan."

Asking people about when they're going to have kids should really be widely acknowledged as socially unacceptable, like asking if a large woman is pregnant. It's a personal matter, and stress can make conceiving even more difficult. Every time you ask someone about it, you're making it even harder for them. Situational exceptions for very close family and friends.

The issue here is that for a lot of people, it's not an unacceptable question. Following marriage, having children is still considered status quo and probably always will be. It's almost never meant rudely -- in fact, for some people it's just thought of as a polite follow-up question when discussing marriage and the future. And it's something a lot of couples have already discussed and come up with some kind of idea about when they would like to have kids, so for many it's not offensive.

People who don't want to have children or who are not able to will likely always be the minority, so when grandma asks when she can expect great-grandbabies, it may just completely not register with her that there could be a completely negative reaction to her question. To an extent, you can choose whether or not to be offended by a question not intended to cause offense.

As someone who doesn't want to have kids, the question probably won't offend me when I get married and inevitably get asked. However, following up with busybody questions about why I don't want kids or telling me how I can always adopt or that I will absolutely change my mind soon...THAT is annoying and rude.

The whole thing is very subjective, but there are enough differing viewpoints that you can't necessarily label it as unacceptable just because that's the way you feel about it.

I'm with you in that it really isn't their business, but this is one of those "folksy" things that people say when they think they're being friendly/familiar with you. Honestly, if you tell them that you've recently discovered you are infertile they will probably feel like shit for asking (as they should) - but that's personal info that you may not wish to share. Perhaps just say that you "aren't sure" and change the subject. If they lack the social awareness to realize that you don't want to talk about it based on your vague answer combined with a subject change, feel free to be rude.

Someone very close to me is dealing with this. They tell people that they'll have kids when they're done travelling, and that there is quite a bit more of the world they want to see. Then they offer to show vacation pictures. Shuts people up.

I understand what you're going through. My wife and i can't have a child together either, it'd kill her. I've never found the 100% correct response to anyone on this but my answer has sometimes ranged from "We've simply decided not to." to "We're doing our bit to stop overpopulation, you might want to consider pitching in too." Of course my favorite came from my wife after she was hounded at a party by a woman who kept telling her that she wasn't fulfilled as a woman if she didn't become a mother. My wife, the kindest person I know, turned to her and said "You know I really don't want to have the chance that my child would turn into an insensitive bitch like you."

Yeah its terrible. Adoption is hard, its not like there is some baby store or some place where they are just giving them away.

If you want a newborn, there are about 20 couples competing for each domestic adoption. If you go international, you better have about 40 grand. If you go through foster care, you never know what you'll get and if you cant handle special needs and attachment disorders, you'll be waiting a long time.

Exactly. People should adopt because they want to adopt, not because it's their backup plan. Yet others act as if the two are perfectly interchangeable or not going to cause issues of resentment. Of course adoption coordinators are always happy to see a child go to a loving home but the "just adopt!" mentality is sometimes more harmful than good. Not to mention it can be a real punch in the gut to someone experiencing fertility issues.

My wife and I have adopted three boys. My wife's response to that question before the first one arrived was always something like "Yes, that's why we're adopting". Most people didn't understand what she meant, but the smart ones would drop it there.

Kudos to you for wanting to adopt, and kudos to those elsewhere in this thread who know that "convenience adoption" is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea. Some uncertainty is fine (and normal), but when that kiddo shows up he's 100% yours so you'd better be ready to be his 100% parent. In that respect it's no different than parenthood the old fashioned way.

Good luck to you with your adoption(s). There are some hurdles -- yay, demeaning criminal background checks! -- but they're worth it.

Its not wrong. You need to have closure on your infertility. No child should ever be a consolation prize. Once you come to terms with infertility and are able to look at adoption as just another way to build a family then its ok. Adopting a child doesnt cure infertility.

Not all of us consider a biological connection necessary for someone to be true family. I don't think it would be unreasonable for someone who is still a little sad at being infertile but is as described above to adopt, they just need to make sure they aren't to kind of person that would love biological children more.

That's what he's getting at. If you're adopting, you need to be fully ready for that kid to be yours. You need to treat them like you had given birth to them, and if you have other kids, you cant view them as "your little miracle" or something and have the adopted child now feel like they were just the interim.

My parents adopted my older sister after being told they were infertile, yet somehow I was born naturally a few years later. My mom tried so hard to ensure that everything was equal between the two of us so as to not cause resentment or any hint of favoritism, but ended up Streisand Effecting everything. As a result, my sister has always harbored an adoption grudge" toward me and my parents and we've never been all that close.

It turns out now that my wife (herself adopted) and I will likely not be able to have children naturally. We have absolutely no qualms about going forward with adoption when we're ready.

It's all in how you think about it in your own head. If adoption is "lesser", then you're more likely to think of the child as "less" yours or as less than perfect. You're more likely to hold the child to an impossible standard, comparing him to the bio child that never was.

On the other hand if adoption is equal to having a bio child, then your kid is just your kid. Adoption may still be a "second option" relative to birth, but as long as the children are perceived equally that doesn't matter.

You may wonder if people really do adopt but then treat the children worse because they're stuck on what could have been. It happens. I know of two families where it's happening right now. It's awful and it's real and it's devastating to the kids and to the family as a whole.

Note that this problem can also manifest itself in grandparents, aunts/uncles, and so on. You shouldn't not adopt just because your mom has a problem with it, but think ahead: what are you going to do when grandma gives bio grandchildren 4 Christmas presents and the adopted grandchildren 2?

I digress. My point is that it's fine for adoption to be Plan B or C or E, but once you go that route you've got to commit. If you can't do that, then for the sake of the kid, your marriage, and your family, don't adopt.

In my mind an adopted child would be the same to me as a biological child, that's why it was confusing to me. I also didn't consider how the rest of the family might react to an adopted child, I have heard many horror stories about grandmothers of adopted children.

what are you going to do when grandma gives bio grandchildren 4 Christmas presents and the adopted grandchildren 2?

After the first time she'd no longer be welcome. I can't fathom why people get so hung up on it having to be their own biological child that they're raising. Although I did hear a reasonable argument recently that some people want to experience they joys of pregnancy, child birth and infancy, but personally I'd be happy to skip that part and would never think any less of a child I got to help shape into an adult.

If you have the right mindset, adoption isn't a bad backup plan. The problem is that not everyone is suited to be adoptive parents. Some people still bitter and hurt about infertility and aren't ready to be adoptive parents yet. Some people view adoption as a rescue operation, that they'll be the guardian and savior of a kid who is forever grateful. In reality, they're just a normal kid and you're just normal parents. The adoption agencies always are quick to remind people that adoption is a selfish act - you should adopt because you want to adopt, not because you have no other option, not because you feel pressure to have a kid, not because want a pat on the back.

exactly! I have no interest in passing along my genetic material. I love my SO and we're both wicked smart, but we've also got a lot of baggage that i'll try my best not to lay on a kid, i dont need to give it the markers for our depression and anxiety and ADD and dyslexia and...

If you do adopt, please be very careful how you mention the fact that you tried to have kids first to your child. I was adopted because my parents couldn't conceive, and I spent my angsty teenage years being bitter and feeling unwanted by two sets of parents. I'm glad they told me the truth, but it was pretty hard to stomach at first.

I'm over it now, because I realize that regardless of how I ended up with them, my parents still love me.

This is one of those things that's considered normal to ask but I don't understand why. It's 2012, not every married couple wants children even if they're perfectly capable of having them. Unless it's your parents hinting that they want grandchildren everyone else should learn to mind their own business.

SPeaking from experience, we were told we could not have kids for the longest time. My wife and I had tried ot have kids for 4 years...

There really isn't an easy way to explain to people it. Most of them neither understand the pain nor do they get the idea that you might not be ready to talk to them about it.

I've always found out that the best way to handle it is to say "Right now it's really not in the cards." and if they insist tell them "Like I said, it's not happening right now."

Word of advice as well. Get to a specialist if you haven't yet. Look into acupuncture, and other forms. If it's you and not your wife then there are things we can take instead.

My wife and I like I said spent 4 years dealing with those questions and the infamous "Happy Uncle's day!" from nieces and nephews (break your heart every time.) We spent enough money to pay off our entire student loans. However after 4 years I can tell you I'm typing this holding my week-old son. Miracles do happen and I wish for one in your life too.

"I have a micropenis and the wife is made in all one piece down there, like a Barbie doll."

No, actually, go into a detailed and graphic description of the reasons for infertility and the process of IVF (including the physical gathering of the ovules, and the whole sperm donor plastic cup and magazine scenario). Make sure to mention things like semen, mucus/mucus membranes, acidity of various discharges, menstruation (use the words "menses," "uterine lining" and endometrium and especially "clots" and people will cringe) cystic ovaries and the risk of sepsis/septicemia, etc. None of it has to apply to your situation or even be accurate. It just has to be nasty and embarrassingly intimate enough to get them to STFU and think before they ask personal questions like that again.

I simply tell people that I can't have kids. Honestly, they seem to feel more discomfort and sadness than I ever have about the situation. There is nothing wrong with not having any blood related children, period.

My mother and father were in their 30s when they had me. Like your wife, it was my mother's physical issues. Like your family, my parents came from religious families.

Well, I'm adopted and I have a great life. I look nothing like my mother, but my father and I share our pale complexion, grey eyes and height, so I am often told I look like him. To us it's just an inside joke! Sometimes we correct them and they feel silly, sometimes we don't and we feel mischeivous.

Adoption is wonderful. Please PM me if you have any questions. My parents are my real parents and I scoff at those who think otherwise.

I think the decision was hard on my mother, but that gave way to her unconditional love and support. We've had our hard times like any family (teenage years, right) but we are probably one of the healthiest nuclear families I know of.

When you don't share the bond of blood, the bonds of love are allowed to bear the full weight of your child's first steps into the world.

I'm sorry to say no matter how polite or rude you are some people will never shut the fuck up about it.

You tell them you can't have kids and they start to rant about invetro, adopting, having someone carry the baby for you and other stuff.

Tell them you don't want them and it gets even worse. Some people people just can't comprehend the idea of "no children". I have a few of these women where I work. At least once a month one comes up to me about the subject. It was once a week but I transferred to a different department to get away from them.

In the end I have found the straight up "none of your fucking business", then ignore is the option tends to work the best in the end. You aren't being as rude as them who keep on insisting on a personal subject that you don't want to talk about.

also....bro hug......infertility is the meanest bitch I have come across in my life. You learn that modern medicine is a fucking joke and no one really has a fucking clue how any of this shit works and you end up amazed that anyone EVER has kids.

I like that, instead of saying "my wife is infertile," you said "we are infertile." That's so important. It's nice for your wife to have someone who's 100% in this struggle with her. I know that wanting kids and not being able to have them is a really tough thing for both men and women. My mom actually thought she was infertile after having several miscarriages and some tests. But then when she was 40, she got pregnant (which is really difficult at that age anyway, at least for the first time) and had me, her first and only child. I don't want to give any false sense of hope for having a child yourselves, but the thing is, sometimes things just surprise you. Whether you have a biological child together or not, you'll find yourselves happy, I think. You seem to really be dedicated to your wife, and that's really admirable. Whatever happens, good luck to the two of you. I hope you find a solution to your problem.

I'm so sorry that you and your wife received that bad news. People tend to project their own opinions on any situation and you're certainly in a tricky spot. Being infertile can be truly devastating and I am so sorry that you're going through it.

I go through something similar every week and I learned a valuable way to cope with an uncomfortable, awkward question: remember that the person asking has no idea they've just stumbled into a minefield and it is not their intention to hurt and offend.

When people get married, asking when kids are coming is just simply a common question and often people aren't thinking about all the potential problems that can arise. Kind of like asking if a married couple will be looking to buy a house; the person asking probably didn't even consider if the couple was in crushing debt, had bad credit, recently declared bankruptcy, etc.

When I realized that these invasive, seemingly thoughtless and rude questions were really just how your average person makes conversation, it opened my eyes and made me realize that nobody is out to piss on my parade, they're just out there trying to connect with me.

So, I answer truthfully and compassionately and I make sure that they know I am not offended or embarrassed. If you lean in to them and quietly answer their question with "Well, it's a very painful subject for us; we recently found out that we're unable to have children, so we're just working on moving forward in our life together and trying to avoid talking about it with other people.", most people will respond with "Oh, I am so sorry to hear that." - after that it is up to you to quickly change the subject and move the conversation along since there are a lot of people who will want to further discuss and commiserate by telling you about their experiences with infertility, or old wives' tales, etc.

But just know that they had no idea and they were not trying to hurt you and your wife. After you respond they are going to want to make you feel better, give you hope, and cover up their gaff. Be compassionate, be honest. Most people are trying to be friendly and relate to you. Unfortunately, we're all a little socially awkward and anyone is vulnerable to shoving their foot deeply into their mouth.

My husband and I go through the same thing "When are you two having kids?! winkwink" .... It's hard enough going everywhere and seeing everyone with their babies... Finally get a chance to not think about it and someone asks... Like you and your wife - my husband gets mad and I just want to cry. I don't really have any advice for you on how to handle the question politely, but thought it'd help to know there's someone in the boat with you.

When someone impolitely asks you a question, your answer need not be polite. Because you are a normal, sensitive, tactful person, you are apprehensive about being rude. But even the etiquette experts will agree: there's no need to be polite to those who are rude. Best response is one that will answer their question while teaching them not to ask such questions again.

But if you still don't feel comfortable, there's always the slam dunk. Just reply "why do you ask?" they will have no answer, and will stumble all over themselves trying to back track.

Me though? I'd say "If you must know, we are both not capable of having children. Do you mind if I ask you why you'd ask such a personal question?"

Do you prefer not to say that you can't have them? I guess it's pretty personal. I can't help but feel that in that situation, I would tell them the truth so as to shut them up for good. Saying 'not yet' just leaves the door open for more nagging. But I realise that without going through it myself I don't really understand all of the emotions involved. I guess I would tell people close to me, but strangers and colleagues would just get 'I don't want kids' or 'I like <some freedom that having kids removes>'

I prefer not to say partly because Im the only non Christian in my family and i know there will be people who say thats the reason we can't conceive. I've heard them say it about other peoples situations.
But mostly i don't want to say because i don't think its any of there goddamn business.

Nailed it. My wife and I don't have kids or ever plan to, and she's around people like that frequently. She tells them that God has a plan, and if He wanted us to have kids, we would. Therefore, since we don't, it must be His plan that we not, and it's wrong to fight against His plan. Generally works well and even makes them think.

My husband and I are going through the same thing right now. The problem is with me, but as soon as they here that they're like "well, have you had HIM checked out? It could be HIM". I want to say "why the fuck would I waste my money because I JUST said it was MY problem-are you deaf?"
We're going to adopt and as soon as I tell people they say "oh, are you sure you want to do that? You never know what kind of kid you might get". Very infuriating.

If it's any consolation, I was never meant to be. Father was deemed infertile (albeit in the 70s) and after about a decade of trying, I got the invite for the life beta. Nine months of testing later, I went gold!

As for what to tell people? Just say your last baby couldn't hold enough guests so you're saving for a yacht.

I do not understand why it is considered socially acceptable to ask people when they are going to have children. It is a deeply personal question which could have any number of answers, none of which have any place in a casual conversation or are any of their business. I don't go around asking people "when are you going to lose weight?" or "How much money do you have invested?" How about "When was your last period/bowel movement/other private bodily function?" Actually, I think the next time someone asks me about kids (I just got married, so I hear it a lot) I will counter with one of those questions and see what they say.

Anyway, best of luck to you and your wife and I hope that people stop being assholes (not likely) and that things work out for the best (whatever that may be!)

Two choices: Tell them you're for gay rights and you'll have a kid as soon as two gay men can have a kid. That should either offend them, confuse them or make them think you're super noble. If anyone presses if you mean adoption, look them in the eye and say, "No. By pregnancy, the way GOD intended!!!!" which should again offend them, confuse them or now, make them think you're off your rocker, but should end with everyone avoiding eye contact and slowly backing away with their hands in full view, never to ask again. OR, the fast way, "As soon as you stop asking stupid fucking questions. So I guess never, you fuck."

Do you both want kids someday. You've tried to, and then discovered you can't after trying. Is not a good thing to give up on. If you and your spouse someday want a kid you can always tell people the typical, "We can't afford one right now, we are still window.shopping and each time we pick one up they call the cops." I prefer the "STFU, I'll b a van someday and pick one up on the street."

My personal fave, "the adoption agency found out we have a cookbook receipies for kids." That will get them to think about the question again.

It's sad to find out you can't reproduce your next generation. It's worse to be a person who knows his own genetics would result in handicapped/disabled kids, thus I choose not to have my own offspring. Adopting kids is wonderful, you and your SO should think about it if you both ever get to that point.

"Making them is the best part of parenting, however it's the 9months and 18+ years of supporting them is the whole reason we stop at swallowing" .. "Each time we try, my narrow urethral complicates matters". I know I have more jokes or brain twisters I've used.

No easy answer for this. But (as the wife) I found being honest with my close friends and family with what we were going through and treating the issue like a medical condition, rather than some deep secret shame that I told no one, it took away "some" of the power to hurt and depress me. It still hurt and it still depressed me, but by bringing it out into the light rather than hiding it, it wasn't as bad as it was initially. I hope this might help your wife.

That said, it's harder to deal with the co-workers, acquaintances, and others who you are not comfortable sharing with. We would joke instead about enjoying borrowing our friends kids and then sending them home (our best friends kids are like nieces and nephews). That helped us skirt around the issue.

If you do go ahead with IVF, be careful who get to support you here as well. As a female, I always thought I could count on my mom. But her religious views caused many problems to the point I had to distance myself from her and not talk to her during the procedure. The emotions going through a woman at being infertile, dealing with medical procedures, being given drugs that make you more emotional. It's a high-wire act that requires delicate balancing.

I'm sorry, but to all you defending people who ask "When are you going to have kids," you're wrong to do so.

Unless you are very close friends, there is no reason to ever ask that question. Why? This very reason. It's why I personally don't ask that question. Ever. What if the person you're asking is infertile? what if they found that out today?

Not to mention it's very personal! When people ask me that I just want to say "Well I guess whenever I decide to start cumming in my wife's vagina." People may have no interest in having kids, they may want them but can't afford them. I, as a 25 year old married male with no kids, personally, am fucking sick of hearing it. I'm scared to death we won't be able to. So I do NOT want to think about it all day.

Tell them the truth and if anyone in your family mentions it's because you shut God out of your life, look them straight in the eye and say "If you ever say anything like that to me or my wife again, I will cut you out of my life quicker than a blink of any eye." You teach other people how to treat you. Let people know they can't say shit like that and they won't. If they do, follow through on the consequences.