There are only three kinds of men who can't understand women, young men, old men and middle-aged men, writes Sonal Kalra.

There are only three kinds of men who can't understand women, young men, old men and middle-aged men

Kasam se I was going to write on a serious topic today. Why, haven’t you seen my conscious attempt over the last few weeks to shed the joker image and take up life-altering issues that leave a monumental impact on the human psyche? I even had a deck of cards ready on my table, with topics ranging from corruption to global warming neatly mentioned, so that I could scientifically arrive at what to write about in the column this week. But then as I was about to shuffle and pick one up, a voice rang from outside my office cabin. "Hey, anyone wants to come to the loo?" This rather public query by a female colleague was followed by a few incomprehensible girlie sounds and then another girl from the team shouted back, "Yeah, I’ll come". Eventually, a group of four marched towards the restroom. Shrugging this off as a perfectly routine occurrence as any woman would, I was about to turn my attention to the global warming card when a male colleague who had come to drop some papers casually remarked, "I can never understand why girls look for company even when going to the washroom." I didn’t really have an answer. I could’ve said that a loo-break gives a much needed breather for girls to indulge in some harmless gossip, much like a smoking-break does for some, but by then, my mind had gone on a trip to look for other things women normally say or do that men just do not get their heads around. Dear global warming, you are anyway a slow occurrence, surely you won’t mind waiting. Here we go...

1 ‘All men are the same’: This, by far, is one sentence that any woman- of any age, colour, caste, creed or nationality- can utter most convincingly, with a sigh and a shake of the head. It is normally preceded by ‘I thought you were different, but’ coupled with a few insta-tears for effect. What the poor guys don’t anticipate is the speed at which they fall from the pedestal, and turn from hero to jerk in an instant after an argument. Actually, if you think deeper, all women are the same when it comes to terming all men as the same. Wait, I’m confused.

2 ‘Nothing’: Yes, that’s what they say when they are visibly upset and you ask them what’s wrong. But my dear, God Almighty help you if you accept the answer ‘nothing’ at face value and stop asking. Remember, a girl saying Nothing = you and your day are screwed. By the way, I must confess to this strange hermaphrodite like feeling addressing women as ‘they’. But then, to stay true to the topic, I’m thinking like a guy for this one. Karna padta hai.

3 ‘Do I look fat?’: A girl can never get tired of asking this, even when she, and the guy, know that if he makes the mistake of nodding even by a nano centimetre, she would strap him on the train tracks and make Rajdhani Express help him attain nirvana. The guys don’t understand why girls still keep asking this. But I know that the answer to this question, in any language of the world, has to be ‘No’. Don’t even think about being all diplomatic and saying ‘curvy girls are better’ or some such shit at that moment. Because all they will hear is ‘Yes, you look fat’. If you are a direct descendant of the Father of the Nation and would prefer dying to telling a lie, well, okay. Just for you, I’ll someday write about painless ways of committing suicide.

4‘Let’s eat at some nice place’: This seems like a totally harmless thing to say, but Oh.My.God. First, this ‘some nice place’ is the most blah phrase, because an hour would then be spent rejecting all the ‘nice’ places you suggest. And when you finally reach a place of her choice, she’ll order for a salad, because, you know, there’s some organic funda going around. And then eat three-fourth of what you ordered.

5‘She’s pretty but wears too much makeup’: This, or a close variation is what a woman would always reply if a man asks her opinion of any other woman in the universe. This is true even if you were to ask a girl’s opinion of someone who is in no way a direct threat to her, like a film star. If a woman wants to praise another woman, she’ll almost always appreciate her non-physical characteristics, like her ‘sweet nature’ etc, but rarely her physical beauty. Call it subconscious jealousy or an inherent insecurity, but that’s how it is. Samajh jaao toh accha. Why torture her by even asking her opinion on something that would keep her from giving an honest answer?

There are so many others and the list is endless. But before some Naari mukti morcha decides to burn my effigy, let me say loud and clear that there are many more things that men say and do, which to a woman seem about as useful or logical as the letter P in psycho. Let’s take some of those in the next column. Whatsay?

Sonal Kalra totally believes in Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus argument. Is that why there’s global warming on earth?Mail at sonal.kalra@hindustantimes.com or facebook.com/sonalkalra13.Follow on Twitter @sonalkalra.