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We thank you for your past support in donating $100 each month to our important cause for the betterment and beautification of a small group of fellow Torontonians. We appreciate that you have only visited the facility that one time to sign up and gain a tour and yet you somehow snagged a coveted eye height non-breeze-way permanent locker. You are a very lucky individual! In exchange for your donation you can take pride in knowing that other less apathetic or possible more desperate or organized individuals can know and fully understand the pain of DOMS first hand.

In the past your donations have been used to purchase much needed new exercise equipment designed with more complex levers and knobs for custom adjustment that somehow increasingly restricts usage for either the short, tall or chunky set encouraging them to take the fall-back position of “shudder” running stairs or napping in the stretching room.

Recently your donations were used to refurbish the members-plus lounges in the style of a blind dentist’s office. Lucky recipients were heard to say “If they had only possessed a color wheel” and “Is that green thing half of a soccer ball or a toad stool?”

Now we must reach out to you once again kind sponsor. It seems that all our hapless lounge loafers have ever wanted was sufficient lighting so that they may read their newspapers without a head-lamp. We all remember the great “little piggy” disaster of 2013 when Rusty mistook a strangers big toe for a friends. Don’t let that kind of mistake migrate from the steam room into the sacred lounge.

I know dear sponsor that we are unlikely to every actually meet you within our facility but, know that you would be welcome assuming you never touch the treadmills that run longer than 20 minutes and stay the ?#@&! out of my lane in the pool.

We hope you will never actually cancel your unused membership and therefore lose your premium locker and all the benefits of telling your friends you belong to a gym.