Question of the Week

QOTW: Her White Husband Called Her the “N-Word”

I am writing to you because I need some advice. I admire you and look up to you as a role model; like my mother. My husband who is white and I (black) have been married for 5 years and he takes care of me and my 2 kids (from previous black relationship). We have had some hiccups along the way but one really stands out and I still think about what happened till this day. Summer 2016 we went to a family (his family) gathering at the river (we go every year). Long story short, he got super drunk and wanted to drive our car to go get more beer. When I told him no it’s not a good idea, he went off. He started getting loud and calling me names. He called me the n word and got in my face. When I got mad his biological daughters friends was like omg he is just drunk as if I shouldnt be upset. I told her “there is no excuses”. My little sister (14) was there at the time because I wanted to show her a different side of life, but she jumped in our confrontation because he cocked his hand back like he was going to hit me.

His son from his previous relationship (not his biological) jumped in and grabbed me, took me down to the ground holding my hands behind my back as if i was the aggressor. Then his whole family jumped in and was holding my little sister back as she cried. I totally felt sad and ganged upon. They were only holding me and my little sister and not him, no one threw him to the ground and was holding his hands. Anyway, when I was able to get free, ONLY one person came over to see if I was ok and that was another man from a family that happened to be there watching the entire thing go down. I took my little sister and my kids and left. I ignored him for about a month while he was apologizing and trying to win his way back in. I felt so humiliated and have not talked his family since and do not want to ever engage in any function with him and his family again. However, I did eventually accept his apology and moved forward best I can. I thought about it, and I really enjoy this lifestyle and figured it was just a incident that better not happen again. Fast forward 7 months now, everything has still been good but I still think about that incident and get so mad that it affects my personality towards him. It still bothers me and I dont know how to move forward without thinking is this really how he feels about me and how could he have done that to me. I still dont talk to his family and will not participate in future functions. What should I Do Christelyn, should I be over this already? How do I get over this?

Thanks for listening to my story,

“A”

A, this is a VERY unfortunate situation. I’m planning on doing a video about this, but I also want to address this in the written word. The words bolded and underlined are the issues I want to address.

Some are going to be surprised by this, but the fact that your husband called you the “n-word” is not the issue. I repeat, NOT this issue. If you replaced that word with “bitch, c*nt, whore, etc.,” my answer would be the same.

“omg he is just drunk as if I shouldnt be upset”

There are some signs of potential domestic abuse, and it appears that his family is either used to this type of this dysfunction and accepts this behavior. Chances are, he’s done this in front of them before with them or other people. Knowing this, I can guess you’re not going to get the support you need from any of them, because it’s likely they deem this behavior as “normal” and therefore, acceptable.

Relate Video:

https://youtu.be/I7G–0w6nGw

“he cocked his hand back like he was going to hit me.”

Many times a potential domestic abuser will “test their boundaries” sometimes with “mock hitting” or hitting a wall next to your face. They do this to gauge your response and level of outrage. If you accept these behaviors, then the abuser will often escalate to more physical intimidation. The more you’re desensitized, the more abuse you can be vulnerable to, and the longer it happens, the more “normalized” to the behavior you can become.

“I really enjoy this lifestyle and figured it was just a incident that better not happen again.”

I remember reading a book written in the 1970’s about domestic violence, and highlighted the stories of abuse suffered from white women of various socioeconomic levels. The women on the higher end of the economic spectrum said the exact same thing. They stayed because they “liked the lifestyle” of being the wife of a prominent and well-to-do man, and endured the abuse because of the “perks.” They traded their self respect and safety for a nice house and money in the bank. Just something to think about.

From your letter, it appears you aren’t ready to leave the relationship, but my responsibility to you is to let you know that, unless your partner acknowledges that what he’s done is a sign of abusive tendencies and gets counseling to address these issues, it’s likely that he may do this exact same thing, and worse. There’s rarely a “first and only” time.

A crafty woman would put her ducks in a row, squirrel away some money for an emergency fund, and be prepared if things go left. If you feel in immediate danger, contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). The site also has a host of resources that you can access here.

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