‘Why Are You Reading This?’ And More Ticker Items From The ‘Nikki & Sara LIVE’ Premiere

Tuesday night’s “Nikki & Sara LIVE” premiere was so jam-packed with comedy — bits, skits, parodies, KE$HA!!! — that one glance inside the snack cabinet or trip to the loo cost you at least five funny ticker headlines. And that really saddens us, because the free-flowing stream of funnies was a rather brill critique of modern-day celebrity reporting. (Stars: They really are JUST LIKE US!) Here are a few that had us howling, but for the entire list of jokes, check out the full episode below!

SELENA GOMEZ PUT A TURKEY IN THE OVEN • ZOE SALDANA HAD A MESSY SNEEZE • CELEBRITIES NOT CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS TODAY: JENNIE GARTH, PENELOPE CRUZ, BRUNO MARS, WAYNE KNIGHT • HOW THE STARS GET FROM PLACE TO PLACE: CARS, PLANES, WALKING • WHY ARE YOU READING THIS? WATCH THE SHOW • IF MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY SPELLED HIS NAME BACKWARDS IT WOULD BE YEHGUANOCCM WEHTTAM • WAYS YOU’RE SIMILAR TO GEORGE CLOONEY: YOU BOTH USE ELECTRICITY • STARS REACT: KATE MIDDLETON UNSURE IF TOM CRUISE BOUGHT A COOKIE • STARS REACT AGAIN: RENEE ZELLWEGER UNSURE ABOUT KATE MIDDLETON’S VIEW ON THE TOM CRUISE COOKIE SITUATION • HALLE BERRY CONSIDERED BUYING A SMALL CUTTING BOARD AT BED BATH AND BEYOND • RESEARCH SHOWS THE PERCENTAGE OF KARDASHIANS THAT HAVE NEVER WORN SHOES IS 0% • RYAN GOSLING WAS PROBABLY BORN IN A HOSPITAL • IF YOU’RE READING THIS, I BET YOU CAN’T STOP YOURSELF FROM READING THE NEXT SENTENCE. HA! YOU’RE READING IT, AREN’T YOU?

Okay, really, it’s time to stop reading… But really, don’t. There are a ton more ticker headlines where these came from right here: