On my way to becoming me...

It's hard to decide and sometimes harder to accept the pieces that come together and define us. I know there are a lot of things that define who I am and its funny to think that here I am 46 years old and still trying to figure it out, but alas I am.

The older I get the more things make sense and I'm learning the whole "everything happens for a reason" theory. Although I still don't agree with it all the time. And I'm more accepting of myself, faults and all without the feeling that I need the approval from others of who I am or what I do.

Recently I watched an episode of Extreme home makeover, and I know just about every episode can have you in tears, but this one was particularly moving for me. They lost their daughter in a car accident, she was texting. My heart broke for this family, for all they were going through, but I also saw how they were giving back, doing positive things to teach other teens about texting and driving. Then they get the new house, a beautiful new house and all that came with it.

But through it all I just kept thinking guilt, guilt, guilt... how do you enjoy when all the guilt comes rushing in...

See that's the other part of grief that I don't hear as much talk about. They go through the 5 stages of grief which are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But they never talk about the guilt?

There is guilt in everything after losing a loved one, losing a child... how can something material make me happy? Christmas comes with all the excitement and anticipation and it goes again, and while I know how to treasure each of those moments that I have its hard to treasure anything without guilt trailing close behind. How can you be happy, you buried your son?

And really society does it too with claims of "I don't know how you do it, I could never do it" Ah, so does this mean I loved my child less because somehow I am doing it, I am surviving?

I feel like I'm rambling now, but my point. Life is challenging, guilt is challenging and as I make it through each day and work towards finding and defining who I am it's going to come with a lot of bumps and bruises, but also bittersweet memories. Learning to be myself and accepting that that is enough....