Tuesday, 13 July 2010

If you know me, then you know what my greatest movie of all time is.The poetry, the actors, the humor, everything about this movie I LOVE..so you can guess who was having a groupie moment screaming at her tv, forgiving Larenz Tate for cardinal sin of wearing sunglasses indoors, actually recorded the show just so they can watch this clip...qui moi! Miss Nia Long is killing it in this video, love the short hair and the dress...darn love her whole look!

And in the spirit of awards, *brings all her sister-friends, friends of friends and cousins of cousins on stage*, starts *Chris Brown crying* I would like to thank God,*chokes* my fans,*chokes* my family,*chokes* the Academy, and all those who not only nominated me but voted for to win an Nigerian Blog Award for the second year running. But y'all showed your clear dissatisfaction with my sporadic blogging over the past year because it was a TIE!!..LOL...so does that mean I get half an award??..lol..

From childhood to adulthood

From pictures with front teeth missing

To my last ever hockey match pictures

I feel a chill down my spine

I remember the laughter

I forget the tantrums

I remember the banana clips

I forget the Tevin Campbell posters

The tears well up in my eyes

I can’t erase the pain

I remember the birthdays

They said calm and loud

Different and yet so alike

I forget being grounded

I remember the long phone calls

I read your short and sweet emails

I cry at the memories

They refer to you in the past tense

The prankster

you pulled the biggest one on me

I have a lump in my throat

Over the past month since my last blog post, I lost some-one very dear to me. I've been referring to her as my childhood friend, but last night as I remembered our memories I realised she wasn't from my childhood but she grew up with me! Its been a week and 3 days since she passed. The pain. It hurts.

Ok I won't get you sad. Let me share...This past Friday evening, I'm at home, hear a noise, it sounds like rain or at least water dripping. Weird. It's coming from outside...I go to check...its vomit..I kid you not its raining vomit! My idiot, nasty neighbour from upstairs is vomitting out through his window and all his vomit is going on my plants! WTF?? I'm repulsed, sickened and dead furious, so I rush upstairs *with a jug of water in my hands* oh yes I fully intended to chuck it in his face as soon as he opened the door..start pounding on his door shouting 'Stop *bleep* vomitting on my plants you *bleep*bleep* Use your *bleep* toilet' . Idiot doesn't open his door!!I'm furious!I write him a note. My friends see the 'humour' in all this (especially my jug carrying). Next day, who do I see in the corner shop trying to duck and dive from me?Nasty Neighbour! I rush towards him, he's turning red, I'm wishing for that jug of water, the shop keeper looks scared. As I get to him I ask him 'What the *bleep*? Don't you have a *bleep* toilet?Who vomits outside the window?And on my plants?And why didn't he open the door?' First he went into a 'I don't speak English veli welle' mode until I said 'I'm going to call your landlord and tell him about this foolishness'. Next thing the dude can not only speak it but he does veli welle! He's apologising, offers me new plants, to clean my windows, but I'm not having it! If I hadn't cornered him in this shop, he wouldn't even have acknowledged this foolishness, so yes I called the landlord and also sent him an angry letter!

Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Here on the pulse of this new day
You may have the grace to look up and out
And into your sister's eyes,
Into your brother's face, your country
And say simply
Very simply
With hope
Good morning.Maya Angelou

This post is just random thoughts going on in my head...

* Lil Kim/Nicki Minaj – ok first off I didn’t have Barbies as a kid, well ok I had a one but it was one neglected Barbie(my mother tells me its still intact) as I grew up with four brothers I didn’t have the ‘joys’ of playing with Barbies, instead I was riding bikes,climbing trees, playing with action heros and all that other stuff. Anyway, shouldn’t the props of the original Barbie go to Mattel?They created that damn doll but then again one can forgive them(Kim and Nicki) because they do have enough plastic to get confused on who’s the OG Barbie!! So I don’t get why these two women are dissing and beefing with each other and honestly I don’t care. Just make good music and shut up!

* Lewinsky Minaj, Aoki Lee, Ming Lee (the jury is still out on calling these people insane), Swizz Beatz, Diddy, Trey Songz, Drizzy..no I’m not just naming famous folks, these are some of the names people have decided to call themselves on Facebook !.*seriously?!?.why do that? Aoki and Ming are kids…and two grown ass women have decided to call themselves that?!?Yes they’re cute kids but come on now this aint Flavour of Love or For the Love of Ray-J!

* Drake – I’m on the fence about this guy, and now that I’ve succumbed to peer pressure*side-eye to @mskkj, @vimfromzim @senkwe*, I’ll be listening to his music, as Jay-Z said in ‘Everyday A Star is Born’ ‘Next its Drake, lets see what he will do’..so yeah will update you all soon

*My sister-friends – yes I fell in love with this saying ‘sister-friend’ when I heard Maya Angelou use it. Its got so much meaning when you have close friends who are just like your sisters. So yep, I’m now calling all my cherished and dearest friends my sister-friends. I'm also still going to continue raving how I'm surrounded by positive women making it happen in their own way, with such people around, you know you've got a strong support base!Some I'm yet to meet in person but still feel I have a friend in them!Guess its just the modern-day pen-pal right?Except that you actually talk on the phone/email/tweet/bbm each other!!

*Maya Angelou – I heart that woman, her voice, her work, just how she is...heart her!If you're not aware of her work, the title of my post is a title of a poem of hers..I love it!!

*Summer – for moi summer is synonymous with braais (bbqs to you non-Southern African folks) meat,meat and loads more well-seasoned, marinated meats. And also summer gives me an opportunity to hang with the sister-friends! Ohh summer is the season for weddings and summer romance too*apparently*!

*Reality shows – I’m a US reality tv junkie, watching Tiny&Toya(I like Tiny and errr Toya when did she start ‘rapping’?), Basketball Wives(wrong name for this show as there’s just two members of the cast who are actually wives!), Brandy& Ray-j’s Family Business (why did Brandy keep calling Flo Rida Flo?use his government name ie Tramar Dillard..ok maybe that’s why she called him Flo, love their dad), What Chilli Wants (I felt for her when Floyd stood her up)…yes as you can see I watch reality tv way too much!

*Yourlovepunch.com, An Open Letter to my ex’s – Forgive me if I’m late in coming across the site and FB group. Anonymous letters are written to exes, thing about the anonymity is you get it off your chest but they never know right?Apparently its a 'healing process'.Ah well..

* Slim Thug - when I was reading what he said, I had to scratch my head, headover to YouTube and remind myself who he was, then I was hella annoyed at myself for even trying to remember this knee-grow!KMT!

*IamShonaTV - So the day I decided to start filming footage for the videos I went all guns blazing to different shoe stores with my video-camera(thinking I'd the female Noel Clarke), I was told by those shop assistants 'Sorry we don't allow filming in the store'..I felt disappointed after hearing it 3/4 times(but of course I'd managed to get some footage), so how was I going to do this?Then well genius idea and the lil 'thug' blagger in me got to work...so yes videos will be put up soon, I think I will put up an interim 'hey,I'm here one' for the time being.

*Twitter - Gotta love how Justin Beiber was a trending topic for ages, I have nothing against the lil man..go Justin. Anyway, I wonder if some folks realize that you are what you tweet and therefore folks should really think before they 'tweet'. I now have my view of certain folks the bi-polar, the ignorant, the plain #whatrockhaveyoubeenunder and then the funny,informative,interesting etc.And to all my twitter folks you know its hard not to put the hash tag right?I did put it in a work email, thankfully realised it before I clicked send..lol!!#twitteraddict

*World Cup 2010 – Its soccer fever all over!In the office sweepstakes I picked Slovakia and Algeria (a friend told me that I had no chance ever..as if I didn’t know), anyway I’m supporting all the African teams, Brazil, Germany and France – if you ask me I have valid reasons for why I’m supporting all these teams.

*Clogs - Fugly, fugly, fugly!!!One trend like harem pants that I will so not be following. And oh whats with folks who follow every darn trend?? The above definition of a fugly pair of shoes is Ralph Lauren and goes for $4,500 yep four and a half grand for that eye-sore!!To Ralph Lauren folks I say 'You Teefs'!! Whoever I'd see paying for that I'd have them sent to the gallows!!#nojoke

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

I am who I amNot because of the colour of my skinNot because of the accent in my voiceNot because of where I’m fromThe poverty you say defines meThe corruption you say influences meThe wars you say I’m out to fightThe fraud you say I’ve masteredThe chip you say I carry on my shoulderNo I am who I amNot because of how much I have in my walletNot because of the tribe I belong toI am who I amNot because of the languages that roll on my tongueI am who I amNot because of the scars not visible to the eyeNot because of the graciousness of my walkNot because of my genderNot because of my alumniNot because of my political affiliationNot because of personal afflictionI am who I amBecause of the essence of meBecause of my worth, my voice,
My education might mouldWho I might becomeBut what makes me unique isthe soul of me!The soul of an African

*Vent Alert!* '

I always say this – I am a product of Zimbabwe and child of Africa. I’m sick and tired of the view the foreign media gives us Africans! Yes, we have our problems but please come on…Zimbabwe’s Forgotten Children, The World’s Most Dangerous Place for Women, Welcome to Lagos, Blood and Oil, Unreported World: Nigeria’s Killing Fields. Now I cried watching Zimbabwe’s Forgotten Children for I never went through that as a child, my Zimbabwe childhood memories are precious and watching The World’s Most Dangerous Place for Women I shed more tears for raping a 3year old is just evil! But, I’m sincerely upset, real mad like Joe Jackson (thanks ‘Ye) because I know there’s much more to Africa than poverty, corruption, rape and all these negative things being shown by the mainstream media!

Why won’t they do a programme on Africa’s Wealthiest People without mentioning corruption and how unfair it is for them to live such a lifestyle whilst the masses suffer? Patrice Motsepe, Aliko Dangote, Femi Otedola, Onsi Sawiris, Kofi Annan, Boutros Boutros-Ghali (I used to love saying his name as a kid..)?

How Africans are investing in their countries?How educated we are?

Or maybe as Africans we should do a programme on how some London Boroughs are still using mass graves to this day till an African baby was dug out and eaten by a fox?

'Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek'. Barack Obama

We as Africans need to dispell the single story or rather multiple negative stories and right now my mind is in overdrive, now I'm wishing I'd done a film and media course! Hmmm summer school maybe? For we know, they won't do it for us, we NEED to do it OURSELVES! My dearest readers, bloggers and friends, let's rise up, and show them we are not from a 'dark continent! but that L'Afrique c'est chic.

*Please excuse any typos, grammatical errors - this is an improptu piece - so if my prose isn't flowing...apologies!*

UPDATE:

Following publication of this post, LondonDiva and I have set up a Facebook Group which you can join if you feel the same way as we do. This Facebook Group is just the beginning - once we are the change that we seek!www.facebook.com/wedemand!

Saturday, 9 January 2010

The above Chimamanda video never ceases to inspire me when I'm suffering from writer's block and lawd knows I've been suffering from it such that this cold winter's Saturday evening I had to reference to it..and voila I'm tapping away on my keyboard!

I have a story to tell that's the reason for the re-vamp, not that I'm disowning my first blog..never because without it, I wouldnt be such a confident blogger or writer, you all wouldn't know or say Happy Sexing for I shared part of my stories, made a mark, and now its time to broaden the horizon and share more bigger and better stories. A balance of stories, sharing the thoughts of this Shona woman, a proud Zimbabwean, Africa's child, a black person, an ethnic minority in the diaspora, a Barack Obama Supporter, a book worm, a student, a shoe lover...see there are many stories to tell on the many labels we all carry. Its having the guts to move from the 'stereo-types' but sharing not my world but my world of words through my eyes, those around me, those who brought me up, those who love me...as each and every one reading this post has a story or stories to share and so with each post, you might want to share your story too!

On how single stories lead to stereo-types here are some 'light-hearted ones'

a) Big guys = big tings…(u know what I'm talking about!!)

Unfortunately for some Big guys = chipolatas!! My friend says some might have suffered ‘shrinkage’ after going to the gym and all..lol!

b) Sexy person = Sexy Voice

Gosh, have you ever seen some-one and given them an accent or a voice, deep, sensual, smooth and then from the moment they say ‘Hello’ that’s it??Its like wrong voice dude, wrong voice?

c) Sexy voice = Sexy Person

Some radio dee-jays have disappointed many a listener!!

d) Black Women = Angry Woman

Nope I'm not angry, I don't have any daddy issues, I don't think all black men are dogs and yes I AM a black woman!

Honestly I’m still on the fence with this one because some short guys have the arrogance of André the Giant..lol..I've been told that 'dynamite comes in small packages'. I know short guys who are confident a little cocky but not arrogant bastards!

Monday, 26 October 2009

I saw the birth of my dreams, I saw my foundation, I also saw the future for my yet unborn child,I saw a people as a whole with warmth, the beauty Mother nature gave us, (Victoria Falls, the Namib desert, the wildlife, the jaccarandas) I saw education values, I saw resourcefulness, I saw resources (diamonds, gold, oil, farming, coal,copper, educated people)I saw how I might be from the South I will relate to some-one from the East or West side of Africa! I saw history - the pyramids, Gora Island, Robben Island, Great Zimbabwe. I saw the cities. I saw the pride that we live with inside our hearts, I heard our many languages, I heard our great rythms. Yes, I also saw the dark-side, I saw the civil war in Darfur, I saw the Aids pandemic, I saw poverty, I saw the pain we go through in the diaspora to be who we are, I saw the struggle of past and present, I saw the stereo-types they give us, I saw the silent tears we've shed just because of where we are from, I saw it all BUT I also saw HOPE!!

Africa rises and stands tall and with children like all you here on Blogville, she beams with pride...

When you see this map what comes to mind and what do you see??

PS:And as I happily sing 'I am leaving this place now, letting go of all my fears, saying good-bye to the memory I hold dear, I can finally breath again, its a new day farewell past, as I close this chapter, I set free at last!' This is no Jay-Z type of retirement(did that one before) this time its real.. I would like to introduce you to my fellow Zimbabwean bloggers ie my homies/top aces/chynas (a la Jigga-style shoutouts @ the end of his concerts) : I stalk her blog and we have our own lil chatroom on her comments page my girl Vimbai , MyBestFriend'sLittleSister she's a newbie blogger and her blogs hold memories of home, Hadassah a yummy mummy to be , Daughter of Eve gots to love her , my lawyer who's the definition of fabulosity ZimChic , repping Zim in Sweden and with style Emilia , she's my lil sis/chyna deep with words and I heart her to bits Non-Non ,his blog is of his trips around the world but this man has a lot to say..actually as I type this I had a Eureka moment..Super you remind me of Simon Cowell..lol.. Superstar! & a dapper, swagger-fied(yes its a word) man who's yet to blog but ladies trust that he's smoove & great with words ProfChicago . I had overlooked her but she's made sure I add her to that list otherwise she'll come after me..he-he but y'all already know her MissDefMaybe . So do visit their pages for some good ol' Southern loving! Stay true to yourselves, love some of u and as always Happy Sexing xoxo

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Good girls don’t talk about sex aka good-good, think about happy sexing and God-forbid say anything about any sexual needs!

Good girls don’t know what a vibrator is

Good girls surely don’t have sex just for sexual gratification.

Good girls don’t flirt

Good girls don’t dance in the club

Good girls don’t have guy friends

Good girls don’t read the Kama Sutra, Zane

Good girls don’t have tattoos, want tattoos, think of tattoos..heck what is a tattoo?

Good girls don't have bad days, use profanity, let alone do a Serena!

Good girls don’t make mistakes

Judge me, Je m’en fous!! God knows I ain't perfect, tell me who in the world is? I'm a work in progress, I'm a seed growing into a flower, I'm a storm that's rising and getting stronger with every hour . That’s whats up!! An email from a blogger made me unlock the chains thank you dear friend.

Wednesday, 3 June 2009

What did you just say biiiiatch??? That if I’m from Zimbabwe then I’m South African?? OOOOh insert head twisting, eye-rolling, finger shaking ghetto stance here…Oh hell naw bi**** I’m Zimbabwean!!! Yes, Zimbabwean, not Zambian, not South African but Zimbabwean!! Yes I’m SOUTHERN AFRICAN too, that’s why when I meet a Mozambican we relate, I know to call my friend from Botswana a Motswana not Botswanian, I argue with Kooks about how they claim our Victoria Falls..because we relate BUT still my home is Zimbabwe, the last country alphabetically that is…a beautiful nation! I can click when I speak Ndebele, I’ll switch to my perfect no accent Shona language too!! But don’t dare call me outside my nationality, MNXIII(kissing my teeth Southern style!)…I’ll never ever be ashamed of where I was born and raised! I’m from a people that will say ‘Serious’ to make emphasis on their statement.

I’m part of a people who say ‘ekse’ when they mean ‘friend’. ‘Iwe’ is the name of every unknown and known person. She or he could be a friend or a foe.

We are Southern African and when we say SADC we are talking of links forged through years of connections through more than roads, bridges, borders, lakes and deserts.

We call dumplings ‘fat cooks’, we say 'chips' for what you might crisps!

We made toy cars out of wires! And they was the silver and copper wires..see the tourists flock to buy the works of young kids!

We made balls out of newspapers and shopping bags – and don’t get it twisted not that the parents couldn’t afford the real ball..but these were just better!! Better for aim, better to knock out your opponent, better for durability.

To us BBQ or braai as we call it doesn’t mean just burgers and sausages…nope it means meat(goat, lamb, gizzards et more), chicken, sardines, boerwors, beers, and more beers and did I say loads of meat, mayonnaise with added spicing???Yup…otherwise we call that a drink-up with snacks not a bbq! Do not judge our hospitality skills because we only buy drinks when visitors come and to us there are only two types of salad coleslaw and coleslaw. Dont judge us because we see rice and chicken and we think of Christmas dinner with the relatives.

And yes no matter how educated we can be we are still allowed to think that Coca-cola is the generic name for all soft drinks, Cobra for all floor polish, Surf for all washing powder & Colgate for all toothpaste and Jik for bleach. We know what we are talking about that is what matters.

We are practical people with practical knowledge. We know how to fit 10 people into a fiat or Peugeot 504, if tomato, onion and cooking oil are the only things in the pantry we can be make into a gravy for our sadza, pap or nshima. We are wonderfully scarred by climbing guava, mango and baobab trees.

We are respectful to our parents and elders...the lower we kneel in greeting the greater the respect we have. We call our dads ‘Mudhara’ ‘Muzala’ (old man) when talking to our friends and siblings. Saturday mornings have us washing the cars with the hose-pipe, and yes waterfights are actually fun! Watering the garden with the hose-pipe isn’t a chore but fun! The hose-pipe could also be used as a disciplinary tool…yup multi-fuctional!!..lol..

So what when we give directions some might say "keep going straight, till you reach the fourth house near the big tree and refuse right, corn left at the robots" we still get what the person is saying and normally get there better than any navigation system you paid for. So what when telling the taxi driver where to drop us we say 'By the gum tree' or 'After hump'?He knows the area too maybe not the street name but tell him the landmark, nearest tree or even the family name he'll get you there!!

Steps to us don't mean just ordinary 1,2, 3 flights of stairs. No when we hear steps we think weddings and RHUMBA!!! A wedding is incomplete to us without this essential part..trust even when we go to other non-Southern weddings we are still wishing they did 'maSteps'! The electric slide is done ‘our way’, when ‘gidha’ (get down) we do it well..and even guests will join in, getting the 'steps' and some to a fault..lol..check this video out!

And you may laugh at the names like Fortune, Wisdom, Praise, Passion, Pride but we were innovators before celebrities started naming their kids apple and pixie.

South Africa is where rooibos tea comes from...SOUTHERN AFRICA is where the BANTU people come from...we are all children of the Bantu expansion we traipsed through veld, savanna, okavango to settle in Malawi, Zambia, Zimbabwe, Mozambique, Lesotho, Swaziland, Angola, Namibia, South Africa...WE ARE SOUTHERN AFRICA DHEMMIT!

Thanks to my girls Kooks and Non-Non for helping with this post!! Wordmerchant will tell you how I wore my vexed face when this chick made me South African by default!! Blogville I'll be gone for a while, will I return, I doubt as I've got a severe case of Bloggaria

PS: I love you all, take care of yourselves and as always Happy Sexing xoxo

Monday, 11 May 2009

My last few posts have been about me(yes Shubby I will answer all your questions soon), and not wanting to be selfish, I wanted this one to be about you!

So today Blogville, I ask with concern and sincerity..HOW ARE YOU? Give me all the gory details, so what if I’m opening a can of worms?I mightn’t have the solutions to what’s on your mind but today I want to ask that question and truly mean it, I don’t want to seem too busy ‘living’ that I don’t wait to hear the answer or expect you to say ‘Fine’..Nope, lets break it down…HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?? Once more be honest, if you're not fine and want to vent, go ahead, if you're ecstatic about something, share with me, if you feel like crying and words are the least you want to say, then I send you a hug! Talk to me dearest friends...as always Happy Sexing xoxo

Your greatness is measured by your kindness; your education and intellect by your modesty; your ignorance is betrayed by your suspicions and prejudices, and your real caliber is measured by the consideration and tolerance you have for others.” William J.H.Boetcker

Friday, 24 April 2009

No need to send out a search party,I am well, mojo still no dey o... My blog turns ONE this weekend, so how about you ask me ANYTHING and in a SPECIAL ONE YEAR BLOG I'll answer your questions(this weekend)! If you don't ask me any questions, I shall never return to Blogville..(I don't make empty threats!), and you know u'll miss me!!!

If you have been to Afro's page, and also read the Ode to Shona's Booty on Wordmerchants page, I feel you now know me from behind..literally!!There..I have claimed my booty!!Will talk more about this FAB night on my B'day Blog!

UPDATE: Keyword is 'ANYTHING', so no limitations or subject areas I won't cover, as they say 'I 'get' liver!!..lol.. and so that you know this post will go down soon coz I just need to get the questions o..hurry now..just ask what comes to mind..naughty or nice..just post your questions as comments and this thinking about the question is getting tired yoh!!..LOL...

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

I sincerely am convinced that I’ve lost my mojo, seriously…and that’s a frightening thought! Its gone, zilch, nada, zero, blank, zzzzzzz, oooh lawdy I need some help! Even the basics of flirting, and I’ll have you know that like RKelly ‘I’mma Flirt’ but guys my dearest darling mojo has left me..that magic, the certain je ne sais quoi is definitely on E and my tank needs some filling! Bloggers like Sexkitten,Scribble,Quaggar , Sir Roc et al who talk about their conquests/exploits showing off with their mojo-fied selves, yeah who knows they could be reliving their history from eons and eons ago(though I think Sexkittens aren’t from the past..lol) but still I can’t even bring myself to scribe about my past ones…what if I lost my skills?my prowess?all the vixen in me??..gosh what the heck happened to me!!! Don’t any-one mention Sunday School right about now!! Mojo, come back to me. I don't know where you went, but if you return, I solemnly promise to handle you with care!!

I managed to twist my ankle two weeks ago, so was confined to wearing flats…its not fun @ all, though yesterday I was determined to wear my heels, pain or no pain this pumps business was enough!! Got home and my grandma says ‘Shona! Take off the heels, you are stubborn like your father!I won’t be massaging that ankle tonight!’, guys this is what greeted me instead of our traditional two beijo (kisses) on the cheeks…and then she did this ‘clucking’ sound..I wore my pumps to work today..lol!!!The power of the elderly I guess!!

Well my i-pod was selecting some random but similar songs this morning that I had to chuckle to myself…and affirmed my belief that T-Pain has a drink problem ‘One More Drink’ by Luda ft T-Pain, ‘Blame it on the Alcohol’ Jamie Foxx Ft T-Pain, ‘Tipsy’ by J-Kwon and ‘Just Dance’ by Lady Gaga!! I had to think even my i-pod was a bit as the French would say ‘gaga’!!..lol…How many times have said it was because you were crunk/drunk/intoxicated and blamed it on the booze???

PPS: My darlings, tell me your drunk excuses (if any), I don't do 'blame it on the drink' because I don't get insanely, blacked out crunk, nope I remember all the ish & more, plus I'm more scared of myself when I'm sober..lol..!If you happen to meet my mojo please kindly send it back to me..I promise to pay whoever sends me my mojo!! Hope you're all well and as always Happy Sexing xoxo

Thursday, 26 March 2009

Ndatenda, Ngiyabonga,Jeref,Obrigado, Merci,Thank You Blogville for voting for moi! No, I don't have a Naija boyfriend but hey since I've been officially Nigerianized and an award to show for it (so no be story story or small ting o..na true talk were say Shona be the real deal o!Zimba girl fit talk like Naija babe!!)..lol..(sorry if my pidgin sucks)

Anyway, since m officially Nigerianised here are some commandments for all single females out there.... (i didn't make them just sharing so please don't crucify moi!)

30 Commandments to Marry a 9JA Man or is Bobo?

1. Thou shall NOT be a LONG TINS BABE (you know what I mean?)

2. Thou shall not lack in boobs, yansh and hips. If you must, please lack only one and find a way to make up for it.

Pass

3. Thou shall NOT be a down to earth, real or ride or die chick. I.e all those ruff, rugged and raw "tell it as it is" girls, NOT WORKING.

5. Thou shall not be a non-church goer. Ladies, for extra credit, be an usher, Sunday school aunty or PRAYER WARRIOR (This applies to other religious sects)

Well since m now a Sunday School teacher its a pass abi?

6. Thou shall not go to club to find husband... YOU GO JONZ!!

True talk...

7. Thou shall not drink hard liquor or beers. Stick to 2 glasses of wine, IF YOU MUST DRINK ALCHOHOL

LOL!!!!!!No comment...FAIL...

8. Thou shall not have un-manicured nails (It has to be French manicure acrylic nails).

Amber on this one!!

9. Thou shall not have daddy issues (victims of divorced parents and dysfunctional families … keep it to yourselves).

I love my daddy...no daddy issues so err PASS

10. Thou shall not go without makeup (i.e. caked foundation, studio fix but ensure that the make up has a natural look which is purple lip liner, pink lip gloss and chocolate/natural eye shadows)

FAIL I guess coz I love my eye-colours..i mean MAC has so many so why choose the boring natural??

11. Thou shall not lack culinary skills. Perfect the art of egusi, ogbono and all variations of rice. Home Economics is in order

How can a Zimba girl like me know how to make egusi, et more? Afrobabe, Parakeet and Tigeress thank you for the lessons that are going to start now!!

12. Thou shall not be a "posh sturvs". Sushi or lasagne…uh ..Really?

As much as I love my traditional foods I FAIL DISMALLY because I heart Sushi, one of my girls used to work for Yo!Sushi and boy did I think she was sushi on legs..everytime I saw her I wanted me some sushi! And I make a mean lasagne too

13. Thou shall not knack ya head when you have a weave. Futhermore, on no account should you be caught scratching and flicking the condiments into thin air. That is simply DISGUSTING.

22. Thou shall not be opinionated or well informed (WARNING: This might come off as intimidating. Besides, no one likes a miss know it all).

FAIL!!!!!

23. Thou shall not go to any obscure University. Please stick to Kent, Leicester, Nottingham, and Reading. (WARNING- YOU WILL END UP ALONE).

LOL!!

24. Thou shall not be overly friendly. All those social butterflies and jovial. Personalities…BEWARE.

lol!!!

25. Thou shall not be anti-social when it comes to his family. You have to GET IN THERE FULLY.

I heart the families but.....

26. Thou shall not explore any originality when it comes to fashion. Stick to T.M Lewin, Hawes&Curtis, pointies or kitten heels, and jeans – Abortion belt always puts the icing on the cake. To complete the look, don't be seen without your thick framed rectangular glasses (YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE TO SPECSAVERS).

I'm sorry but I don't do obvious...FAIL with a BIG F!!!

27. Thou shall not hunt in packs (warning to girls with bossom bodies that cant be separated

Understandable but you do need a friend or 2 to hunt with

28. Thou shall NOT be loud. Keep your voice to a minimum always

HARD to do sometimes so errr FAIL

29. Thou shall not appear to be having too much fun on the dance floor. When it comes to dancing, keep it simple (Dutty winders and grinders, ITS NOT HAPPENING).

Yahooze dance, Rumba,Dombolo,Electric Slide all lead to FAIL!!

30. Thou shall not think about breaking this next commandment. The ULTIMATE, IF NOT YOU ARE FINISHED....It Will be an OYO STATE (on you own) FOR YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.....LADIES PLEASE PLEASE AND PLEASE DO NOT GO TO THE BEDROOM WITH ANY WRAPPER, NIGHT SHIRT, WHITE TOP GEL OR SHELLY ON YOUR FACE.
If you must Do all the above, LADIES, BURN THOSE GOLD AND BLACK HAIR NETS. Girls, we are all guilty of owning a hair net or 2.Girls, we are all guilty of owning a hair net or 2. And we know that all the commandments before suggests that you must be a babe on POINT constantly. You have to FIND A WAY TO WORK AROUND THIS HAIR NET ISSUES. Statistics dictates that one in two marriages FAIL due to this.

OYO STATE I dey reside!!...lol...

Conclusion is I have only about7 passes..LOL!!I'm hoping most guys don't work with them rules anyways...

Happy sexing to you all my Blogville family!!Thank You for Voting for me!!

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

I wonder why as a kid I’d shout loudly to my brothers because true as I am Zimbabwean, words hurt me more, texts, emails, written words I remember and so why would I say that load of bull??Lets just say I was young and foolish..lol!

Shane - a man who has swagger, street smart, well-educated, a man proud of his African heritage, arrogant as hell (but he had to be as you all know arrogance is a weakness on my part!), had a great relationship with his mother and father too , cute lil dimples which you would miss if you didn’t look at him for long, he had this air, this eeerrr je ne sais quoi and the cherry on this was he’d tape The Apprentice/Harlem Heights/24 for the Queen Bee whenever she was working late. Actually Kooks/Haddash – Shane's like Harlem Height’s mixture of Christian et Pierre…a go-getter! Yes he had his faults but all humans have their flaws but still did he deserve what I did to him last night?I cried last night, the second time I’ve cried this week (cried as I watched Daddy’s Girls when Rev Run was reading the e-mail Angela wrote to him), so second time emotive words had turned on the tsunami-waterworks, I couldn’t help it, was I taking it way too personally?The power of words had moved me so much, and yet I kept on typing, letter after letter at my 65wpm(yes that’s how fast I type having been a PA/Executive Legal Assistant for many years), sentiment after sentiment, I dug deeper into my soul, my tears were sure to cause an inferno. It seemed like I couldn’t stop myself, there on my bed surrounded by my many pillows in my spaghetti top and boyshorts I killed off a man!I even had background music as encouragement, Lauryn Hill’s Bohemian Rhapsody - imagine that, a soundtrack to a murder! Shane was dead, no miracle would bring him back, he was going to stay dead, and with each word I was making his existence a mere memory. I’d never thought I’d be this dark, heartless and merciless for some-where in the back of my mind I could hear him fighting for his life, my conscience was his last life-line, begging me to not kill him off, ok make him suffer but the death of a man isn’t easy but I was determined, as much as it affected me, I was going to do it! Last night, as I escaped into the world of an authoress, I ShonaVixen killed off a character I'd created with so much love, honesty, sincerity and probably think I’d kind of fallen for this man I’d created that killing him off was difficult and emotional, but die he had for this creative challenge to continue! It wasn’t the first time some-one had died in my work, but Tadiwa had been shot by a stray bullet, so that was totally different. I hadn’t seen it coming but it felt like he needed to die if I was to continue without a block and now I wonder if indeed by killing him off I also killed ghosts of my own?

PS: Haddash (my Zim chica!) & Tigeress, thank you so much for tagging me (so not happy!!) but me thinks my post A Peak into Shona’s World was more than enough…don’t you? You all know I have the barriers with Blogville! Hope you’re all well, be grateful for what you have and as always Happy Sexing xoxo

Monday, 16 March 2009

Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. ~Charles W. Eliot

Do I have a favourite book? From childhood I remember Enid Blyton, Hans Christen Andersen, Sweet Valley High teenage years I remember loving Jane Eyre, Pacesseters, Merchant of Venice(that’s why I loved 7 pounds I guess), Canterbury Tales, Romeo & Juliet, Danielle Steele (yes I read her books as a teenager!)Wole Soyinka, Things Fall Apart and now gosh I’ve read many… autobiographies from Confessions of a Video Vixento Audacity of Hope, Long Walk to Freedom, Spiritual reads, The Secret, The Lady,Her Lover and Her Lord, Not Easily Broken, ; Romantic reads that have made me cry, I still say ‘Friends and Lovers’ by Eric Jerome Dickey had a part that got me wailing like a little kid, I felt the intensity of emotion! I’ve read erotica – Zane, Eric Jerome Dickey(this man knows how to get a woman all hot and bovvered!! I have ALL his books and most of which have been personally signed by the man himself..yup have met this man more than twice!), Terri McMillan’s works I adore and wish one day I can write like her! I so detest Stephen King…really!, I love me some African Literature! I love Zora Neale Hurston’s ‘Their Eyes were watching God’..one of my favourite books to date! So once more I ask myself do I have a favourite book??Sadly, or luckily for my books I don’t have a favourite, each has a memory, an emotion, a person I attach it to..as I lay me to bed each night reading some-one’s work, and I escape with the characters, I find myself at my happiest! Reading and books have been a constant friend to me, from the age of 6 when I entered the world of literature and after annoying both my mum and the patients at her surgery trying to read the magazines in the waiting room, hilarious when I tried to read 'Miscellaneous'..lol she got me Fairy Tales by Hans Christen Andersen ..that kept me quiet for about a week! My world became greater and interesting at 7 when I got my first library card(other than the school's library), I lived in that library, I would run away from home to escape to the library..sigh..I was the spelling Bee at my school because of reading! I have learnt a lot from books..heey where it not for Half of Yellow Sun I wouldn’t know that ‘Kedu’ means how are you in Igbo..and now I have fooled many an Igbo person..lol!! I have driven in LA, stayed in Venice, seen the Lagos markets, been to India, dodged a bullet in Iraqi, felt the betrayal of a cheated wife, became a nun, travelled to Egypt, lived in the Victorian era, as I became one with the characters in the many books I’ve read! The Alchemist was my best read for 2008! So far for 2009, I’ve loved Love Letters of Great Men, my first Sophie Kinsella book ‘ Remember Me’ and He’s Just Not That Into You

If a man wants to put me off him all he has to say is ‘I don’t remember the last time I read a book!’…gosh that’s just as bad as telling me you don’t think I should get more shoes…you get my drift..a non-starter..I DELETE that person with no warning!!I’ve even told my friends that’s not cute to say because some folks say that ish as if its cute…errr so not!! I have a personal vendetta out to folks that don’t read..lol! Actually Roc dearest its one of my major pet peeves, folks who show-off about not reading! Yup, I am a book-worm and get turned on by a man who reads, you never run out of things to talk about! And if I'm to choose besides shoe-shopping and books that will be a tough one..seriously!!

I salute scribes everywhere! Writing is therapy for the writer and also for the reader! Anyway guys, what book(s) do you hold dear and close? Hope you’re all well and yeah my love for shoes is because of the shoe-box incident in my previous post..I blame the parents!! Nway tell Shona about your fav books and as always Happy Sexing xoxo

UPDATE: The Apprentice starts next week, and there's a Tanzanian sista, Mona Lewis...'Twende dada(let's go sis in Swahili), do us proud'!!!

Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Hey darlings…wow, firstly thank you to all my lovelies who checked up on me, Funms,Kooks,Buttercup,WordMerchant et more…I’m much better thank you, yup I have my voice back, its croackie but its back!Afro advised that I just shut up for a while..gurl, you know that’s a challenge!

With my post today, I lower the walls I have with blogville, and let you enter into my world just a little bit, maybe just a peak into my world whilst I share some things that have been happening to me!

Yours truly is a Sunday School teacher!!Yup @ St Mellitus Catholic Church, I’m loving it! The kids are so sweet and great, I also get to bring out my inner child..and I think I'm a cool Sunday School teacher. However when I tell folks, they burst out laughing and say they need to witness this for themselves!!Blogville, you aren't surprised are you??Surely not my faithful friends here..LOL!!

I'm a pre-term baby!Yes I decided to see the world 2 months before they expected me too! Apparently that's why I'm asthmatic. I was in the incubator for the most part of the 2 months, when my parents took me home, I was so tiny they had fun by putting me in a shoe box..imagine that!!My dad also nick-named me mosquito...gosh the love and excitement of having their daughter!!LOL...I therefore donate to the Tommy's Baby charity.

My one year celibacy anniversary is coming up soon..yeah yeah its nothing to harp on about to some folks BUT I will!! Don’t even know how I’m going to celebrate it..LOL!!They should have Hallmark cards for it..'Well Done For Not Getting Some For a Whole 12 MONTHS!'..LOL...When I told my friend that 'Good things come to those who wait' he laughed..and told me I might as well stay celibate for ever because I need to go out there and get some!!..See this man, trying to mess with my flow and innocence..*cough*cough* (hey m feigning innocence now that I'm Sister Sho the Cool Sunday School teacher!!..lol)

My grandma is around…and I’m seriously contemplating hiding the tv remote control..folks I can’t watch anything on tv unless its FamilyFortunes,Who Wants to be a Millionaire, Takeshi’s Castle, Nigerian movies (I like Naija movies BUT I really don’t want to be watching the ones with the subtitles!!) These are the times I’d wish I had another getaway place to go to especially over the weekends!..I felt like crying on Sunday, seriously and so when my aunt from the States called I used that as an opportunity to change the channel and watch Desperate Housewives..I now regret giving away the tv I had in my bedroom...sigh..I do love my grandma BUT she’s hogging the tv yoh!.LOL

I was off yesterday and headed to B&Q, I got some flowers for my balcony had been procastinating about doing this till I read Angel’s blog. So I got some Chrysanthemums, primroses, and lavendars…my balcony will for sure be looking pretty soon!! I wouldn’t call myself green-fingered BUT I do like beautiful flowers and I just feel like I need to connect with nature. I also got some paint for the spare room in my house which I’ll be renting out again. So this Friday as I have the day off, I will be painting that room and yup I can paint very well!! When I told my friend if he could drive me to B&Q for some paint and flowers he was surprised to say the least, that I could paint…errr just because I wear the hell out of my 4inch pumps and can act girly doesn’t mean that I can’t DIY around my house! Which reminds me..I broke my bed AGAIN..lol..IKEA I needs a refund!!I guess I didn't fix the bed right the first time, so I just might need a male pair of hands but imagine inviting a male into my room after a year of non-activity on my darling bed asking him to 'FIX' it for moi????LOL!!!!

This last weekend, I sang and bowled with the diva herself..LONDONDIVA and she put me to shame on the mic…this woman can rap!!Was great meeting her and she's every inch of fabulous!! and then I partied the nite away toghether wiv my girl Parakeet!! Yes, it was a Bloggers weekend for moi though my side-kick Afro wasn’t there..she was missed!! I planned a SURPRISE birthday do for my BFF with bowling/karaoke in the afternoon, dinner at Thai Square and then partying at Clause Bar!I love organising things and she was very well impressed that now I'm her official wedding planner!!

As I’ve been physically ill, I’m feeling blah…you know out of it..I need excitement in my life..SERIOUSLY!! I hadn’t been sick for the most part of winter so when I got a cold, laryngitis hit me too, asthma had a lil picnic with me and I’m just drained now! Yup, drained is the word….And my creative juices are dry at the moment so I'm sorry I haven't concluded my 3-part 'Great Loves', I have to be in the zone to top my last post which btw I didn't think would have such a great response..thank u guys, you are far too kind!!

So how come I’m not a nominee in Category A for the Bloggers Award?Hmmm so I’m so not interesting or entertaining, you don’t like the use of media ie music on this Blog??You Judas’!!!..LOL…I must have at least 10 awards from Category B then…and yes it’s a threat!!I love you my dearies and as always Happy Sexing xoxo

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Your love is the warmth of summer, you’re the pick-me-up friend!
How many a party have we attended? How many a laughter have we shared? Your love like the summer heat can be too much it will burn, but without it, we yearn for it! You have a knack to bring out the child in us your friends, you’re boisterous, you’re loud, you declare the attention but you never forget those important to you. You might get lost in yourself, yes Summer my friend you can be narcissistic, but let us tell you and you amend your ways. You've promised to do a happy dance/rain dance/'Buhle' dance when I get some happy sexing!..lol..Many-a-truth is said in jest isn’t it Summer? You will say it sweetly, making sure no-one’s hurt, you choose the words all so careful, for after all you just want every-one to be happy!

Autumn

My friend dearest Autumn. You prepare us for Winter’s harshness, you’re luke-warm. The impartial friend, you have no sides and fairness is your game. Even when I’m begging for you to tell me I’m right you outline where I’ve gone wrong and give me a solution…you could write a handbook on friendship for you are such a great friend that sometimes we forget to be YOUR friend and expect you to be our friend..you’ll stop calling just to see if we will call you back and you know we always do! Oooh Autumn, special autumn, even though you shed the beauty of Summer away, you’re prepping us for tougher times!

Winter

They say you’re harsh and brutal. Cold, dry and miserable but that’s because they don’t know that inside lies a hidden warmth. You’re the brutally honest friend, you don’t make it all rosy, harsh reality, constructive criticism I come to you for and guaranteed you’ll give it! Your heart is all mushy to those you’ve allowed in and without you they are lost! You’re the friend who encourages me to take a good look at myself, you keep me grounded, reminding me that should fame come my way, there are certain things I should never change!

Spring :

The friend that soothes me after Winter has been harsh to me!You remind me of the joys of friendship, that if there was never any conflict then it wouldn’t be friendship. You’re the pacifier, you resolve conflicts. The reliable friend who would give up the shirt on their back just to clothe a friend!

I don't use the term 'friend' loosely, to me friendship encompasses empathy, sympathy, truth, encouragement, being there for one another and mutual understanding!

Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather! My seasonal boos, as another season blends in with the next, trees have their leaves back, the flowers show off their beauty, we all accept that in order to be who we are, and to get on as we do its because of the different elements of our own individual beauty that make our bond so strong! To all my friends I love you!! I’ve also made some great friends here on Blogville, you guys are wonderful..love ya..and as always Happy Sexing xoxo

Monday, 23 February 2009

Music has been around since time immemorial. Without my i-pod I’m lost literally..I remember when my i-pod crushed, it woke up and gave up on its dear life, Mr Ex-Man, knowing how I felt about the i-pod went to Apple store, and got me a new one the very next day..(I kept moaning n moaning about the ipod!). Like the movies I like, I don’t follow the hype…for example to me 7 Pounds deserved an Oscar and is one of Will’s best movies BUT not many people think that it’s a great movie.Music is also universal, you mightn't understand the language but still love the beat..have you ever been to a party, you don't know the person standing next to you but let them play one song you both know..boom conversation starts!

I’ll hear a song and it will remind me of some-one and sometimes I’m amazed how it can be a blogger whom I haven’t met. My musical tastes will range from Il Divo to Tinchy Stryder..yes LondonDiva I have Tinchy on my i-pod..shame on my face..lol! From Whodini to Carrie Underwood! Salif Kieta, Angelique Kidjoe, Youssor N’dou are all on my Afro music genre!I miss Boyz 2 Men, Dru Hill, Jodeci, H-town, Blackstreet, SWV, Jade, Brownstone gosh the 90s were the best!!!

I have my own genre’s on my ipod eg

Pick Me Up Music eg Pretty Young Thing Michael J - I always act a fool when I hear this song

Party Beats : Gongo Aso by 9ice

Get Ur Groove On: On top of Me - Tyrese , G-Spot - Gerald Levert(the part he moans is the best!!!..lol)

Inspirational/Gospel: The World's Greatest - R. Kelly

I don’t know why

The I-don’t-know-why genre has music that even I don’t know why I like it ie Tinchy Stryder’s Can you Take Me Back, Calvin Richardson’s There Goes My Baby, Soulja Boy’s Kiss Me Thru the Phone…lol…

I also like certain songs maybe just because they make me want to bust a move..and well I do try my best..at the moment The Dream’s ‘Shaking That Thing Like’ is my song and I am doing my best in shaking that thing…though nothing gets me on the dance floor faster than Cameo’s Candy and 9ice’s Gongo Aso..lol..ask Afro, I can even sing along to Gongo-Aso..lol!! I’m crazy about Lil Wayne’s music and he’s one talented guy!! Lady Gaga’s Just Dance…well need I say more? Some songs will tell you what happened,'she gave us some drinks,we drunk em and got drunk..lol', some what's about to happen 'Love Scene by Joe'..and some well just might be true 'Because I got High' by Afroman is no lie, dude WAS high!!

I have concluded that T-Pain is an alcoholic, either he’s buying some-one a drink, getting tipsy or he’s praising the bar-tender or he’s just blaming it on the alcohol…sigh… So everytime you come to my space, you might hear different music, and that’s because I’ll be in a certain frame of mind…and right about now…what’s your song?

When I’m feeling at my least creative and I need ideas I turn to music, guaranteed I will hear a song that will send my mind into over-drive. There are some songs that don’t make sense, some that are way too deep and some you just want to meet the writer and shake their hand.

This is the first in a 3part series sharing my 3 loves, music, my friends and books!! Hope you are all, please enjoy the video below (I know you've seen it by now but I'm loving it still!!Go Buhle..Hoza..wiv my friends its now official that when you suddenly feel like dancing all crazy its going to be called 'A Buhle' Moment)...As always I say to you..Happy sexing xoxo

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

I watched He’s Just Not That Into You over the weekend, loved it! Now at the beginning of the movie you get women from all over the world giving excuses to why the guy didn’t call, and its only fair to have African women too…the African females are in a rural setting, doing their laundry and they start speaking…and its SHONA(by now you all know that's a Zimbabwean language right?If not...mnxiiii ie kissing my teeth Zim-style), yebo-yes, but it was badly pronounced, they said the wrong word that we guessed what they meant..my very own language was murdered in this movie!!I kissed my teeth and shouted out with my friend 'Haa Pfutsek!'1. So that’s how the world views Africa, wild animals roaming about and living in mud huts yup even in these trying and difficult times…Zimbabwe isn’t some village!! But then that’s the thing with stereo-types they aren’t always correct!

I have a few 'light-hearted' ones:

a) Big guys = big tings…(u know what I'm talking about!!)

Unfortunately for some Big guys = chipolatas!! My friend says some might have suffered ‘shrinkage’ after going to the gym and all..lol!

b) Sexy person = Sexy Voice

Gosh, have you ever seen some-one and given them an accent or a voice, deep, sensual, smooth and then from the moment they say ‘Hello’ that’s it??Its like wrong voice dude, wrong voice?

c) Sexy voice = Sexy Person

Some radio dee-jays have disappointed many a listener!!

d) Black Women = Big Booty

Not all black women have big booty...some have small ones..lol..Afro don't even think about it!!..lol..

Honestly I’m still on the fence with this one because some short guys have the arrogance of André the Giant..lol..I've been told that 'dynamite comes in small packages' so who knows *naughty grin on my face*wink*wink*..lol..

Over to you my darlings, any you would like to share?Love to you guys and as always happy sexing xoxo

'Haa Pfutsek' - is the Southern African version of 'Voertsek' which is Afrikaans for 'F-off'