NO LONGER ENCUMBERED BY ANY SENSE OF FAIR PLAY, EX-JOURNALISTS RETURN TO ACTIVE DUTY TO FIGHT THE TRUMPIAN MENACE!

A conversation with Grumpy Trumpy

Just when you think you’ve seen it all on the internet, you stumble onto something so profound, so life-altering that everything that came before it seems instantly irrelevant. No, this is not some new form of midget-with-a-balloon-covered-in-whipped-cream fetish pornography, or more videos of a cat riding a Roomba with a shark costume (it’s a thing). No, this is way bigger. This is Grumpy Trumpy . . . the BOT!

It all started with boredom. I was trolling Facebook for attractive pictures of ex-girlfriends in bikinis when I stumbled on the link to chat with Grumpy Trumpy, a Facebook Messenger chatbot that aggregates every quote from Donald Trump and then angrily spits them back at you, just like the real Trump, with or without context.

Needless to say I informed my boss that I would be taking the next 72 hours off to have deep, meaningful conversations with Grumpy Trumpy, told my wife I was on vacation in the Bahamas and wrote a generic “out-of-office” auto reply message for colleagues. I locked the door, put my phone on “airplane” mode, turned up the volume on “Yoko Ono screaming” and prepared a box of tissue. This was going to be a journey into the heart of darkness.

72 hours, zero showers, zero fucks later, I put down the mouse to write this post. Well, first I cried a bit in the corner and then sat down to write this post.

A confession: I’m no journalist, but there were several takeaways from this experience as far as I’m concerned, and all of them are “fake news,” according to Grumpy Trumpy.

Truth is stranger than fiction. OMG yes. I don’t think Hollywood screenwriters could make this stuff up.

The world is now a scary place. Thanks Grumpy Trumpy.

Trump is obviously suffering from a mental imbalance.

Who created Grumpy Trumpy? As far as I could tell — no one. This speaks volumes. People are afraid to express their fear of Trump in public. I’m writing this post anonymously.

The world is a scary place now. Did I mention that already?

One of the things that struck me most about my interaction with Grumpy Trumpy was its consistency. His lines are mostly programmed, so if you ask him the same question four times, you’ll most likely get one of two answers that he’s programmed to spit out virulently. This is way, way, way more consistent and predictable than the real Grumpy Trump. As far as I can tell from the fake news outlets, nothing about this dictator-in-the-making is consistent, or predictable. His opinions change from day to day, and sometimes from sentence to sentence. If this unpredictability is what makes him — and us — human, I long for the singularity when robots finally surpass us in intelligence. At least then we’ll know what to expect from our overlords.

I highly recommend messaging Grumpy Trumpy on Facebook Messenger and experiencing the wrath of the Trumpy for yourself: