About six months ago, in a joint RS/priesthood meeting, the Relief Society president reported that the Stake President wanted the sisters to encourage their husbands to do their home teaching. She also asked us to call our home teachers and ask them to come.

This didn’t go over very well with me. I sent her a text with a reference to one of Elder Bednar’s talks about priesthood responsibility and said the men in our ward (stake?) needed to grow up. I got no response.

Since then, every time I’ve attended Relief Society (I’m sporadic), the opening announcements have included some kind of plea for the sisters to have their husbands do their home teaching. Support them. (I thought “um….then do we assume the husbands are more supportive of the sisters doing their visiting teaching since the husbands aren’t being similarly admonished?) Seriously?

A lot of sisters agree with me, although not so vocally and perhaps not with so much bitterness.

Yesterday, though, I had a hard time laughing out loud. The RS counselor conducting (to her credit, she didn’t seem very excited to give this announcement)told us the bishop was asking the sisters to help their husbands find out who they were supposed to home teach.

True story. This makes the men of our ward look pretty lame. Especially the ones whose idea it was to dump something else on the sisters.

**PS: caveat—-if I already blogged about this, ignore it. I’m turning into one of those people who tells the same stories over and over because I forgot I told them.

The reason this is necessary is because there are a lot of sisters in the church who make it hard for their husbands to do their home teaching. Every time a husband leaves the house to do church service, whether related to a calling or related to home teaching, the wife complains about it and gives him a hard time about it. This isn’t universal, but I know a lot of men who have experienced this.

Jota, that’s such a load of crap. I don’t know anybody with that situation.

I think about five men in our ward do their home teaching. Surely the rest of them aren’t fighting their wives to go serve the Lord.

Actually…..Bill is one of them. Because I’m a Nazi about it. From the first day of our marriage, I made it clear it was unacceptable to blow off his home teaching. Hmmmm………crud. They should have me doing that announcement: “Sisters, your husbands are lame and lazy. Kick their lazy behinds a few times and tell them to do their priesthood responsibilities. The Lord needs them!”

Bryan gave a stink when I tried to coax him into doing his home teaching. He said I was interfering with his right as a priesthood holder to do it himself. So now I don’t bother him about it and it doesn’t happen.

What baffles me is how a friend who is our home teacher didn’t know who his companion was because said companion didn’t go to sacrament meeting. Are we suppose to base meeting our companions on church attendance? Why not call, stop by his house, or find out (if married) who his wife is?

I think the bigger problem is accountability. I’ve never heard, or seen, anyone have to accept a phone call at the end of the month asking if they’ve done their home teaching. I’ve never gone an entire month without having someone call/email/ask about my VT stats. Generally if people are asking me about it, I tend to do it. The same should be said for HT–if no one draws attention to the fact you’re not doing it, chances are you’re not going to bother with it.

Asking the RS to help the priesthood holders do their home teaching is clutching at straws, but since the carrots and sticks of past attempts haven’t worked either, there’s nothing to be lost in trying.

I have never harangued Rob to do his Home Teaching and don’t intent to. That is between him and Heavenly Father. I have enough of my own work to do. I did secretly laugh myself silly years ago when Rob was called to be Elder Quorum President and he bought a book about the importance of doing Home Teaching. 150 pages and $20.00 later the message he got was Do Your Home Teaching. Duh. I’m pretty sure we still have that book on a shelf somewhere, just in case the concept needs refreshing.

If I was in your stake and was a non-Home Teaching man, I would be ashamed. Using women to hand feed Home Teaching to the men is pathetic. Any therapist worth their money would tell you it isn’t going to work. Wrong motivation and long term relationship destruction is ahead.

The Stake President might want to read a couple of parenting books and try some techniques used to get kids to be accountable. Nothing like treating adults like what they really are – lazy, disobedient children.

We moved last year and haven’t had Home Teachers yet. Rob hasn’t been assigned to be a Home Teacher, either. I have had VT from the first month and have a sister who harasses me monthly about doing my VT.
We have had regular visits from the Bishop. Either he really likes us or we on the Slackers List. I refuse to consider which is probably true.

I don’t know why there is no accountability. We have PPIs every month in my EQ, and if you don’t do your home teaching, you get a lot of crap about it in your PPI. You could in theory not show up to your PPI, but if you do that you get a bunch of calls and emails asking why you weren’t there. Every EQ should be doing the same thing. If the EQ presidency is not doing this, they should be released by the bishop.

If HTing is really such a problem, why don’t they just concede, make it an extension of VTing, and put your Visiting Teacher coordinator in charge. She knows how to print off the companionships and email monthly asking for reports. It’s just not that hard. While clearly a man’s failure to HT is his own, the Priesthood leadership is also manifesting failure if they cannot communicate with their own guys!

HT as presently constituted doesn’t work. It hasn’t worked for my entire 40 year adult life in the church. I guess we could just keep on trying to pretend it works, or try different shaming methods to make mid level managers believe that we are making it work but that won’t change anything. Why don’t we accept the fact that it is a broken system and design something new? First step would be to actually ask men, confidentially or anonymously, why they don’t do it.

I know the reason I don’t home teach is that I don’t know who is on my route, or if I even have a route. I was doing a letter route for a while, but that changed in December and nobody has given me the new printout. I admit I don’t make it easy for them, since I never go to Priesthood meeting. It is impossible for them to find me in the Primary room.

It’s not crap. I’m not saying it’s universal, but I know a lot of men who are impacted in their church responsibilities by unsupportive wives. The “Good, Better, Best” talk made it worse because it is, according to these wives, always “best” to be with your family.

This is not just my perception either. The topic was brought in our ward council not too long ago (not at my prompting).

(going backward) Jota, seriously, that never crossed my mind. I’m wondering if this is a problem in my ward and they’re trying to address it diplomatically. It’s a dumb diplomacy, but still.

Eric, see, this is what bugs me. It’s not rocket science to call your leaders on the phone and clarify things. Stalk them.

KLC, it worked very well for the first oh, fifteen years of my activity in the church (1973-1988). In fact, I would say it’s only been the last ten years that it’s all messed up. And I would agree with you except that for Bill’s HT families, it’s working. It’s working in our home because our home teachers come and do the job they’re supposed to in the right spirit. However, many families in our ward don’t know who their home teachers are and vice versa. There is literally no accountability, no PPI’s, nothing.

ESO, yeah, that could work, but I feel for the poor VT coordinator. It’s a thankless job. And obviously the men aren’t doing their priesthood duty.

I believe that visiting teaching and home teaching are becoming obsolete, but I also believe there has to be a way to implement watch care. Which is the point. Not numbers or getting people to come to church. It’s about making sure those who need help are getting it.

I came for the DKL screed on Rosalynde Welch’s Mormon Stories piece. I ignored it when I saw annegb was here. I will always _love_ the way you live the gospel, annegb. You have strengthened my testimony today.

Also, we would love for you to be a guest in the Elder’s quorum + High Priest’s group in our ward to encourage the men in our ward to get off their lazy butts and do their home teaching :)

Another options is to focus less on MAKING them do their home teaching, and focus more on helping elders and hp’s bring more love of the Savior into their own lives. Faithful home teaching tends to be an outward fruit of an inner commitment. This process will not have the immediate effect of good HT numbers…but it’s the way of the Savior. And perhaps some of the sisters and bretheren who are doing the teaching will also benefit by learning a little about patience, long suffering, gentleness and persuasion (rather than use of force by embarassment).

I agree with KLC – the system is broken. We have probably had 3 HTing visits to our house in 15 years and I am glad as I would prefer not to have visits from HTers who are “checking the box” vs utilizing friends when we need help. I think that HTing has a purpose but we lose it in our quest to meet some artificial goals…

I’ll admit, I won’t encourage my husband to Home Teach, because pretty much every Home Teaching message we’ve ever had has been awkward and unhelpful. Maybe I’ve just only had the “bad” (or socially inept) home teachers (heaven knows we don’t get taught regularly), but I just don’t love the monthly lessons.

Best home teacher I’ve ever had? A friend we knew we could call when we needed help or a blessing. He never once gave us a monthly lesson, but he was a good friend to us.

I agree that I could make more of an effort to track down my home teaching list. But frankly, since my wife died I haven’t really cared one way or another. I go to church, do my calling, and go back home. Most Sundays that is all I can do. And to address another point, when she was alive, my wife was one that resented the time that callings took away from her. Sometimes it felt like a test– who is more important, her or some random family on a piece of paper?

If the church leaders are asking the HTs to go into people’s homes and give them the 3rd degree about testimonies and tithing and activity in church, it’s no wonder HTs aren’t wanting to go. That new focus on HT-ing drives me nuts. You’ve got to develop a relationship before people are going to share their personal information with you, brother random joe.

On the other hand, if they *really* want the women to get their husbands to go, then for heaven’s sake, make the husbands partners with their wives. Some of my most dedicated HTers were those who were married couples more interested in me and my life circumstances rather than checking something off their to-do list the last day of the month.

#1 — Jota G — I’ve known places where that got to be a trope, almost. People get into the silliest fads, but you are right, I’ve seen that.

Is that happening in the ward at issue? I don’t know, I don’t attend it.

#16 — good for you Annegb.

I know from experience that if you actually do PPIs, home teaching rises. You also find out who needs help, and can get out to help people (including physical labor of moving them, etc.). But, everything takes time. People do get overwhelmed.

Ok Jota I don’t think I have ever commented on here but your myopic obsession was just irritating enough to merit a response. Oh yes those terrible women who want there husbands to be home. My ward has these monthly PPIs and I hate them and yep my husband doesnt go. We have fhree toddlers that the whole rest of the week I am the one that feeds and clothes and bathes and than bathes again after they have ruined their first set of clothes getting into something….you get the point. By the time the 5 o clock or the weekend roles around a lot of women are just spent. We want and need the help of our partner. The occasiional thing that takes a husband away from home is fine but heaping on more and more meetings in the name of priesthood is wrong.

And having uncomfortable conversation with the home teacher once a month doesnt help that. Maybe people should be allowed to make choices for their individual families without being constantly judged by the priesthood leadership. Maybe you could encourage the men to take their kids with them home teaching or to their callings….oh wait only the women have to do that

“…our home teachers come and do the job they’re supposed to in the right spirit…”

But what exactly is the “job they’re supposed to do”? The message that has been pounded into my brain for 40 years is that job, at the minimum, is to visit these people every month in their home. But like many here, we rarely have HT come to our house and I’m overjoyed with that. I don’t need a perfunctory visit and a “lesson” derived from something I can read in the Ensign on my own. And I have no desire to inflict that on others either. I think one reason VT stats are better than HT stats is that women,I know I’m generalizing, enjoy making that visit, that connection while men don’t. But I have no doubt that most men in my ward would drop what they were doing and come help me if I needed it.

Let’s take these facts and craft something that works. Why can’t I fulfill my obligation for monthly contact with a conversation in the hall at church or a phone call? Why can’t the understanding be that good hometeaching means my families know they can call on me if they need my help instead of a pro forma monthly visit? Making HT more of a needs based system than a networking based system leverages the strengths and inclinations of most men I know, the current system denies them. I know this flies in the face of being in their home, being an example for the family, blah, blah, blah, but like others here, I don’t really need that in order to know you will be there for me if I need you.

As I see it, home teaching involves watch care. It isn’t a one size fits all and I think you know that. As a young single mother, I needed the home teachers. They fixed my washer, took my son on the father and sons and supported me emotionally and spiritually (without judging).

My husband goes to a couple of older single ladies. He chops wood, cleans their chimney, whatever they need. Keep an eye on, help.

You guys who’ve said you don’t want to be preached to, do you preach when you go out? Maybe some do preach, but you are setting yourself pretty high above to assume you’re the only ones in the church who realize this isn’t effective. Most home teachers who go out visit, get to know their families, and adjust, without preaching.

Jenna, I think I’m the myopic one not Jota. I’m a little impatient with wives who complain, but obviously your situation and that of many young wives in the church needs consideration. Monthly PPI’s seems excessive.

As a total aside, I see an attitude in the newly married and young couples that troubles me. Many young women don’t know how to be homemakers; many young parents don’t seem to have gospel goals aka family prayer and home evening. Programs are for the people, not the other way around, I get that. But in the homes where the young families have been taught correctly and no matter the work situation, strive to fully live the gospel (gag a maggot, I’m preaching)—–those are happier homes.

I see so many young men not focused on work and family–they’ve got their nose in a video game. Young women who don’t know how to cook and keep (NOT only clean) a house. They don’t know to live providently. And there’s a lot of whining.

So to the ones who DO, good on you.

Back to home teaching, bottom line, while I do recognize times have changed, I also say I’m hearing a lot of excuses and bitching without a willingness to be a part of the solution.

Why can’t the understanding be that good hometeaching means my families know they can call on me if they need my help instead of a pro forma monthly visit?

Because they won’t, and generally they don’t. It actually takes a lot of time and effort to get to a point where families trust you and tell you their needs. People don’t just call someone and let them know their struggles and issues unless they know them and feel a connection to them. That doesn’t happen just by saying “Call me if you need me.” It doesn’t happen even after dropping by every month for several months. It takes actually investing yourself in the family. Putting in time and effort and part of your genuine self, until you come to have feelings for the family and they have feelings for you. That’s the only way the system works. The “pro forma” visit is just to get you there. What you do after that is the real calling.

Exactly. Bill was just called to be the ward mission leader and he was talking about how he needed to get organized and the challenges of his calling. I told him his main job was to learn to love those people, period. Not get them to love him, but to truly love and value them just as they are. Anything else is gravy.

I was thinking how I feel sorry for the young families where both spouses work and both are over stressed and worn out and how hard life is today and then I thought, “wait a minute. It’s no worse today than it was during the depression or the world wars. maybe it’s the resolve that’s weakening.” Don’t know the answer.

MCQ, do you think you’re telling me something new? I probably heard that recitation, in almost the same words you used, before you were even a deacon. I’ve given that recitation. Stop preaching, I don’t need it and neither do most of the men in the church who, as was pointed out in the OP, don’t do their HT. As I said before, we can continue on pretending that it works, and we can continue on preaching the party line or we can get realistic about why HT is so poorly done, because what we’ve been doing for the last 60 years isn’t working. I’ll respond more specifically later tonight if I can.

[…] Church. On a more depressing note, there was an example of Relief Society women being asked to assume responsibilities for their husband’s actions. And there was also a hilarious example of husband/wife […]