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Just went to the local zoo a couple weeks ago. The one chimp they have was chilling in the indoor exhibit. As we are checking him out he reaches on back and I start thinking sweet he's going to throw some shit at someone (he's behind glass anyways). Wrong! He gets a nice heaping handful and runs off to hide in the corner of the exhibit. Where he proceeds to devour it like he hasn't eaten in days and then licks his fingers clean. Fun day.

I was about 8 years old, and my dad took me out to the Oakland Zoo. We start walking around looking at all the animals, until we get to the monkeys. They were in a caged area about 50'x50' and also pretty big in height as they had trees & shit in there to make it look their natural habitat. So me being the typical 8-year-old, I see this small monkey up on the tree about 20 feet away and started making the "ooh! ooh! ahh! ahh!" monkey noises. The little shit then just sits there and stares at me for about 5 seconds, then he shot this large spit at me, which then landed exactly on the middle of my forehead. Shut my shit up after that.

If a bunch of hairless assholes stuck me in a cage and I realized there was no escape, I too would devote myself to the mastery of poo-flinging.

Edit: Goddamn I underestimated this ape, he or she has taken the poo fling to Sun Tzusian levels of deception.

Just look at the mesmerizing little dance he does, probably shitting in his hand while the children watch him dribbling the ball like a pro. Then...BAM! He strikes and can enjoy the bittersweet trauma he has caused his oppressors offspring.

I wonder if they do this in the wild. I expect not and that really this poor thing is mentally unhinged from the life it lives. At least I hope that it doesn't have to spend all the time in a small indoor cage with just a cement floor.

A little more than a decade ago I worked at a TV station where a guy who'd been in the biz for many years before had this old 3/4 inch tape with some footage he got from someone who went to a zoo somewhere. The video was of this monkey that had gained a local reputation for smoking cigarettes. See, at some point someone flicked their cigarette butt into the cage, and the monkey picked it up and smoked the last of it. This happened a few more times and it was pretty obvious that he had become addicted to smoking cigarettes.

Someone was out recording video of this and from a great distance the monkey managed to take a shit in his hand and throw it directly into the cameras lens.

You tube didn't exist when I saw this video and I've never seen it since, but maybe it's floating out there somewhere now?

If I were free to do so, I would come back with a compressed air cannon loaded with 15-20 pounds of my shit. I'd position it less than a foot from his cage and then I'd wait. I'd give him time to inspect it through the bars of his cage, time enough to become comfortable with its presence. If he chose to throw more poo at me, I would allow it. I would stand motionless and smile, knowing that soon my revenge would be at hand. Many hours would go by... waiting for the perfect moment, where he was the most calm and unafraid. I would run my thumb over the button, caressing it, romancing it. Then the moment would come where the chimp would suspect that something just wasn't right. Maybe he would pick up on my pheromones, maybe just the expression on my face. In that moment I would unleash a pressurize hurricane of shit straight out of the anus of Satan himself. The pressure would be so great, as to blast him against the back wall of his enclosure. Shit in his teeth, eyes, nose, everywhere. I'd wait for him to fall to the floor. I'd give him time to recover. At the moment that he gets up from the floor, I would meet eyes with him and he would KNOW that I am a member of the superior species.