3. Towering bas relief of three-headed dragon stands in human-like pose of utter superiority, heads aimed at spot just before chamber exit between legs but fired off its last blast of lightning ages ago, clever cave giant hides keys in different mouth each day

Saturday, August 1, 2015

1. Actually from the biblical Hell, on mission to Campaign World in Satan's service, seeks expert murderhobos for important jobs in ancient Judea
2. Carries cask of Hell's Libation on collar, St. Bernard-like, able to restore damaged demonic entities to full fighting strength if imbibed, mortals who sample the brew must make a saving throw or burst into flames, those able to stop, drop, and roll in time rendered permanently insane
3. Perpetually smoldering hide, even if cured, but provides superior protection from elements natural and eldritch, stinks a good deal though
4. Lap dog of Hell: very cuddly, affectionate, if current master killed uses preternatural cuteness to establish bond w/nearest available new master, asbestos safety gear required for human handling
5. Retriever: seeks and fetches specific magic items required by dark master, specializes in live capture of sought individuals, noted for minimally damaging soft bite
6. Giant hell-dachshund: bred to rid caves of owlbears, other dungeon megafauna
7. Trans-planar sled team: haul terrible outer entities about from sphere to sphere tirelessly, remain motionless awaiting commands, may only be released from harness by powerful magic, will obey any being to board their sled
8. Spell-sniffing: toxic saliva nullifies memorized spells, treats magic-users as per chew-toys
9. Monster-herder: immune to many forms of monster attack, round up and distribute to chosen locales various dungeon creatures, keeps the hobgoblins out of gnoll territory, etc.
10. Worse than rabies: infected by sorcerer-created virulence that results in mad frenzy of wanton mayhem, much hideous frothing, seeping, transmissible across many species, known to have depopulated several dungeons
11. Thief-seeking: automatically detect thieves in territory, stalks, kills without mercy, piles in heap before master's door
12. Headless: luminous sensillae in chest detects quarry across planes of existence, effortlessly breaches interdimensional veil, emits brain-scrambling ray, opens iris-like to imprison prey in body cavity

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Optional rule for D&Dish RPGs: If when rolling 3d6 for the Charisma stat one rolls any three matching numbers on the dice (1-1-1, 2-2-2, etc.), the player must make a saving throw or their character is a JACKASS and must roll on the table below. Of course, a JACKASS with an exceptional Charisma score represents a monumental threat to both the adventuring party and the campaign world they share, and should only be run by a very responsible and cooperative player. A JACKASS may be of any class or alignment.

Note: Unless my math is faulty (always a strong chance), this provision will produce the chance of a JACKASS only 1 in 36 times, which, as we all know, grossly under-represents the real-world ratio of JACKASS to non-JACKASS.

d12
1. Rigid, seemingly arbitrary, occasionally bizarre personal code of conduct cited, chapter and verse, at every opportunity, especially where party's course of action may be affected
2. Goes on at great length about every ache, pain, lingering symptoms of STDs, quality and frequency of bodily functions, reportage pauses for important party business, resumes at every lull
3. Concocts delightful, gently disrespectful nicknames for everyone, persists well beyond period where this might be mildly amusing, comes up with fresh ones, even more insulting, if ordered to desist
4. Whether in the saloon, general store, magic shop, armor showroom, etc., always the first to offer to pick up the tab but, whoops, seems to have left gold pieces in other pantaloons (once again)
5. Considers self master of elocution, never passes up opportunity to lampoon less graceful speech of others, will immediately, thoughtlessly perform imitation of anyone met with unusual regional accent, foreign language, right to their face, somehow believes this endearing, finds self hilarious
7. Always belching and farting, finds self hilarious
8. Strident belief in equality, everyone equally inferior to self, subject certain no one can detect true feelings
9. Seems perfectly charming at first but before long everyone (except subject) realizes s/he doesn't give the tiniest crap about anyone else
10. All empathy reserved for personal use only, can't help laughing, taking inappropriate pleasure when others fall down, get injured in embarrassing ways, suffer humiliations, etc.
11. Gives appearance of pleasant affability until party secures sizable treasure, instantly transforms to irrational greed-hound incapable of understanding why s/he should't be entitled to choices items, lion's share
12. "Just being honest", never fails to announce newly discovered foibles of those around, tells it like it is with shocking lack of sensitivity, values own ideas highly, those of others, not so much, unless undeniably good, in which case they are swiftly, not-so-subtly appropriated

Saturday, April 11, 2015

The Executioner of Nul, The Mindless One, following
hostile takeover of cult by Kwanju, an ambitious young
Underworld godling on the rise.

d12
1. Witnesses for the Mindless One demonstrate the serenity of mindlessness in their somber processions, pause to perform complimentary Rite of Lobotomization upon request
2. Flagellants of the Worm Sultan roam at random, armed w/weird ritual punitive flogging devices, deliver brutal beatings to any infidels they meet, enchanted hand-held searchlight-like device reveals religious affiliation of any in its crimson beam
3. Devotees of the Slime Lords, caked in layers of semi-translucent goo in various stages of drying, implore strangers to bathe in levitating hot tub filled to brim w/Divine Mucus to receive subcutaneous revelations, permanently softens human skin, only continuous reapplication prevents lethal slough
4. Wandering monks of the Beggar God, looking well-fed, clothed, healthier than one might imagine, demand alms, extremely persistent until offered something of value, no matter how modest, which they deliver ASAP to deity's legendary Sacred Hoard
5. Listless acolytes of the Goddess of Malaise may only take action on single day each week, rest of the time they wallow in lethargic condition of holy indolence
6. Levitating monks of Oblivion on tour of sacred holes, pits, chasms, abysses, emit deafening Mantra of Spontaneous Meditation if opposed, induces involuntary state of total relaxation, possible dangerous self-reflection
7. Worshipers of the Feral God eschew technological progress, set out on monkeywrenching campaigns, destroy all but the simplest tools, machines, destabilize bridges, undermine structures, kill dwarfs on sight
8. Forlorn cultists of the Extinct Beetle Pantheon on gloomy ghost-led tour of ancient ruined sites, obsessed with nostalgia for a time they never knew
9. Celebrants of the Rites of Mayhem run amok, venerate chaos deity w/random acts of senselessness, violence, vandalism, set to receive eternal reward if killed while promulgating confusion, terror
10. Tedious positivity spews forth ceaselessly from adherents of the Church of Gleeful Hopelessness, clerics laugh off reality of incomprehensible universe w/variety of delight-inducing enchantments, made available for purchase as part of ministry
11. Robber God's greed-enhanced thief-priests may not accept donations, instead case establishments for future B&E, plan & execute daring, complex heists, steal and hold for ransom towering jewel-encrusted statuary dedicated to rival deities
12. Idiotic humanoids bamboozled by lich in convincing god-drag believe their master best served by killing things and taking stuff, rival clan of idiotic humanoids declared heretics for failure to correctly interpret lich's mad screeds stand by to ambush, loot, and destroy original group

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

d12
1. Retrieve the heads of three wicked monarchs after first winning their favor
2. Deliver food, mail, to the Chained Demon Indestructible incarcerated somewhere at the bottom of thought-pacified local dungeon as per unholy pact made by foolish ancestors
3. Reverse climate change on shoestring budget by kidnapping high level wizards necessary as physical components for curative incantation, gas bombs provided
4. Establish relations w/planet-size outer being, present huge golden idol, void-proof viking longship to be launched to distant Gray Galaxy via enchanted trebuchet
5. Carefully collect all huge, strangely attractive eggs of unknown origin that materialized overnight in every grain field, orchard, garden in and around Imperial Capitol City, defeat any who attempt to keep one for themselves
6. Return giant book to proper shelf in trans-cosmic library via handheld dimensional portal device, avoid all contact with The Librarian, in fact, don't even look at it
7. March beyond the edge of the campaign map, report back with findings, captives, samples of goods/resources, prospects for colonization, alternately, determine precise nature of the World's End
8. There is only one way to save the far-flung Allied Islands in this time of imminent calamity: the mega-megalodon must be tamed/used as troop transport
9. Disguise selves as demons, plant bomb at base of recently discovered Stairway to Hell, must pass through the Demi-Hell Casino half way down
10. Proceed through ocean-bottom whirlpool, return with news from the other side of the world
11. Plug the troublesome hole in reality with heap of gold from specific ancient hoard melted into cork-shape, dragon fire required
12. Sorcerer-cabal announces sudden cosmological breakthrough, reveals structural weakness in planar schema: travel to Hell's ninth level, use relic to detach cosmic moorings, set adrift in void away from more popular planes of existence

Friday, March 27, 2015

+1 to rolls for service to deity or proxies above and beyond call of duty, sizable donation, proper obeisances paid
-1 to rolls for known blasphemies, heresies, blatant deviations from deity's behavioral guidelines, murderhobotry

d12
1. Inquiry results in partial corporeal manifestation of deity for brief, terrifying in-person, finger-wagging rebuke, assurances that any further inquiry will trigger cosmic unpleasantness
2. Cleric issues scathing indictment ofPC's dubious conduct, satirical praise for agent of dead PCs destruction, assembled clergy share damn good laugh at party's expense
3. The answer is no but offers services of promising acolyte as replacement for fallen PC (actually a hyper-competent secret operative with agenda no doubt at odds with that of adventurers)
4. Currently unable to provide resurrection but will pay handsomely for opportunity to probe dead PC's innards for divination purposes
5. Sorry, too busy serving actual devotees at the moment, party advised to seek alternate reanimation from jolly necromancer around the bend
6. Deity consulted, plea rejected on technicality, try again in 1d6 weeks, body must be preserved somehow
7. Stacks of paperwork required including full financial disclosure, please allow 1d6 days for processing, body may be stored beneath temple in refrigerated morgue for exorbitant usage charge
8. Revivification approved but on hold until completion of Pain-in-the-Ass Assignment (see subtable) in addition to standard fees
9. It's a go but due to trade embargo holy herbs and spices required for execution of miracle outrageously overpriced, itemized bill includes fees for candles, incense, ceremonial vestment cleaning, sacrificial animals
(50% chance of Pain-in-the-Ass Assignment, see subtable)
10. Oh very well, but be warned: restored life subject to instant divine revocation without warning should individual violate strict, seemingly arbitrary moral code
11. Subject revived but must swear to wear gaudy insignia of deity, proselytize faith at every opportunity, conduct affairs public and private as paragon of deity's virtues
12. All fees waived but fine print of work order reveals deity now and forever in full possession of the revivified soul, player agency permanently diminished

(Subtable) Pain-in-the-Ass Assignments from the Temple of Law
Note: Temples often farm out tasks to adventurer-types due to behavioral restrictions imposed on clergy by divinity, Temple will deny any involvement and offer no aid in the event of capture, incarceration, execution
d12
1. Retrieve holy object believed stolen by rival Temple of Law and stashed in their treasury
2. Secure support of high level official using Amulet of Involuntary Religious Conversion
3. Assassinate Evil High Priest of Secret Chaos Temple in the Unsavory District across the way
4. Serve notice for Crimes Against the Deity to regional potentate and return with monetary sacrifice
5. Introduce unknown compound into the water supply of neighboring city
6. Dispose of Cursed Object by insinuating it into the possession of rival Temple of Law
7. Provide armed escort for undercover operatives en route to Underworld Chaos Temple
8. Sabotage rival temple's unduly popular annual fete by inciting riot, delivering biting insect swarm
9. Emancipate captive from Old Imperial Dungeon and replace with mindless simulacra w/minimum of bloodshed
10. Perform heretical acts required for fulfillment of prophecy, get out of town forever
11. Collect overdue offerings from wilderness mission dedicated to "civilizing" the "barbarians"
12. Kidnap and beat to w/in inch of life particularly outspoken critic of religion, deliver warning that if satirical public comments continue, party will return to finish the job, make it look like divine retribution

Monday, March 23, 2015

Note: a mild-to-moderate contempt for customers of any stripe is assumed

+1 to rolls if adventurers are known regional heroes, bothered to take a bath and put on some clean clothes upon entering big city
-1 to rolls for blood-spattered raiment, menacing aspect, dubious associates, bristling with weaponry, carrying empty sacks

d12
1. Fancy sign on door reads "No Adventurer Scum Admitted", incredibly muscular lackeys guard entrance, owner brandishes death ray amulet
2. Refuses to sell, pulls shades, bustles around looking for "gone fishing" sign, lights fuse to rooftop pyrotechnic that summons constabulary
3. Ignores adventurers until unavoidable, pretends to be out of items in plain sight, opens negotiations at three times standard prices
4. Hides cases with high quality items, demands double standard prices and if that's a problem, there's the door
5. Uses enchanted ring to charm first customer through the door, speaks only to charmed individual, issues entirely plausible reasons for price gouging, low grade merchandise
6. Supercilious proprietor activates personal imp to hover over customers, monitor their activities most intrusively, insists upon searching adventurers prior to departure
7. Fallen on hard times, prices slashed but goods noticeably mass-produced crap assembled by exploited foreign humanoid workers, the hilt on that broadsword is already coming unwrapped, battle ax head just fell off despite gentle handling, you're going to have to pay for that
8. Pours complimentary booze for patrons, tall one for self, pricing erratic
9. Begins dickering as soon as someone enters establishment and stops only upon their exit
10. UPSELL, UPSELL, UPSELL, today's special buy: questionable potions from overseas
11. Rolls out the red carpet, issues profuse, undue flattery, opens concealed door to secret sales floor featuring "the good stuff", hints at availability of rare/enchanted items, perspires visibly the whole time, can't wait for the adventurers to leave
12. Generally polite, accommodating, but pushes recently acquired treasure map to local dungeon of certain death way out of adventurers' league, neglects to mention hive of terror-monsters within

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Table One: What Happened?
d12
1. Blackballed from admittance to holy order due to excess of personality, hunts evil alone but unquenchable thirst for companionship persists
2. Exiled from the realm after framed for petty crime by sorcerer, clinically depressed but channeling suicidal ideations into one-knight war against chaos
3. Stripped of rank by usurper after refusing to participate in bloody purge, quests for mythic Death Ray of Redemption believed incorporated into statuary in Underworld chaos temple
4. Court-martialed for treason after sparing the life of defeated cephalopod wizard, death sentence commuted following pledge to throw away life battling Underworld horrors
5. Fled civilization after unbelievably attractive werewolf went public over illicit love affair, contracted incurable lycanthropy in the process, took to the Underworld to forever avoid direct moonlight
6. Brain damaged in heroic melee with hostile colossus totally out of her league, decision-making now highly erratic, pursues the fungus-wizard famous for regeneration magic
7. Adventuring companions grew weary of sanctimony: beaten, poisoned, back-stabbed, stripped of goods, thought dead, deposited in remote Underworld zone, sworn to find/punish turncoats believed on extended treasure-hunt
8. Lost mind after messing around with alien intelligence enhancing device, occasionally brilliant from out of nowhere, mostly incoherent, holy mission/delusional compulsion to locate, destroy as-yet unknown relic of evil, will attempt to eliminate any magic item found to be on the safe side
9. Betrayed by secretly evil wizard, teleported to center of earth, slowly making way back to surface while gathering strength, dubious allies, for eventual assault on wizard's HQ
10. Face burned off by dragon, now masked hero of the Underworld, known to rescue youths of evil but draws line at grown ups
11. Disgraced after drunken, murderous spree at Imperial casino, can never show face in the big city again, seeks atonement via evil-bashing
12. Hung around with crew of murderhobos too long, it rubbed off resulting in unforgivable acts, deity furious, knight sent below to atone with non-stop violence against cults of evil