Experts offer advice on discussing a death with a child

Be honest and ready to answer questions when talking to a child about another child’s death, local experts say.

Amanda Memrick

Be honest and ready to answer questions when talking to a child about another child’s death, local experts say.

Parents need to tailor their answers to a child’s age and experiences, said David Swann, chief clinical officer for Partners Behavioral Health Management.

“In a general way when death happens around a child, they lose their sense of security, and they may fear another death or loss,” Swann said. “Don’t avoid that conversation. Avoiding that … is sending a message.”

Swann offered four pieces of advice for having a conversation about another child’s death:

1. Be sensitive to the child’s desire to communicate when he’s ready.

“This is hard just because we adults may not be ready when the children are ready,” Swann said. “And as adults we need to be responsive to that and put our self-interest aside.”

2. Maintain an openness that encourages a child’s attempt to communicate what they’re feeling or wondering. Communicate that it’s OK to be sad. Tell children if they have questions or want to talk more, the parent will be available.

Children generally are more resilient than adults think, Swann said. Some adults want to shield their children from that information, but it’s better to be upfront.

Terri Ray, director of grief services at Gaston Hospice, recommends not using words like “passed away” or “entered into an eternal sleep.” It’s better to be direct and tell children a person died, she said.

“From that initial telling, take the lead from the child,” Ray said.

Some children will ask questions right away. Others may have questions later, after they’ve had time to think.

“Tell the child in your honest, best way what’s happened so they know they can trust you for the big things in life as well as the small things,” Ray said. “They can’t grieve until they know the facts.”

For children the same age as 6-year-old Chloe Arwood and 7-year-old James Caldwell, Ray recommends keeping it simple:

“There was a big hole. The dirt fell in on them. And they couldn’t breathe anymore,” Ray said. “And it was a big accident. Underscore that. Nobody ever meant for it to happen. These are things that just happen sometimes.”

Reassure children this isn’t likely to happen to them and that, as parents, you try to keep them safe.

Many times asking a child to draw what they imagined happened can help parents know what a child is thinking or is worried about.

Parents should also prepare children for what they might see at a visitation or funeral, Ray said. Parents can talk about how people may be crying or sad or that a child might see the body of the deceased and what it might look like.

“Give them the chance to go or not go,” Ray said. “If it’s a family member, they’re part of every other ritual through the years. Allowing them to be a part (of a funeral) is including them in family history.”

You can reach reporter Amanda Memrick at 704-869-1839 or follow @AmandaMemrick on Twitter.