Musings on life and love

Monthly Archives: February 2018

Sometimes a feeling takes over you and you feel something inside you that leaves you paralyzed. You don’t know what it is or where it came from but you feel motionless and a warm wave of sadness starts within you and spreads throughout your body. You try to fight it but the feeling is so strong. It’s like a tug of war from the inside out until you realize you can’t win. You drop your shoulders from the weight and give up. You feel your head drop and eyes fill with tears. It’s not until the first tear drop falls that you see yourself drifting. Slowly drifting but you can’t stop it and realize you don’t even want to try so you don’t. From that moment on it gets harder and harder to pull yourself out of “the funk.”

Let me explain what “the funk” means to me. It’s a little less than depression but in the direction of depression. It’s where it hurts to smile even though you want to. It’s a weight that pushes you under water. Even though you kick and lift your head to keep above water there’s an invisible weight that holds your head steady down and you feel like you are drowning and the heaviness makes your body limp. This feeling carries on for days. You don’t let others know what’s happening. You do your best to stay positive outside so that others don’t see the sadness you are feeling inside. You smile and make sure all those around you are happy, comfortable and well but that only makes you feel more tired. You’re exhausted but you can’t let anyone in. You just can’t until one day something happens. He looks at you in a certain way that brings light into your darkness or you hear a laughter from one of your children that tries to break your trace or your best friend from far away calls out of the blue and knows something is going on. That’s when the wall “the funk” finally crumbles down and you are able to breathe again. You breathe and it no longer hurts. Your body feels light again and not achy. The smile comes to the surface from deep down within and your whole body smiles. Your life is your own again…until the next funk but until then you do your best to enjoy your life and all the blessings you are surrounded by.

That is my funk. It just happens but I know it will go away. I always hope it does.