Chancellor Yang to intern Commuting Students in WWII-style internment camps

Yesterday at noon, Chancellor Yang announced a new plan effective immediately to set up internment camps for students who commute after concerns that they could turn out to be dirty Out-of-Towners. This is a risk Yang is not willing to take.

As part of AS Program Board’s Halloween programming “Delirium,” interned Out-of-Towners (OoTs) will be forced into a fenced in area on the desolate Storke Plaza plain where they will futilely attempt to grow crops until they are quite literally delirious. This move comes as part of Yang’s larger initiative to take the fight to the OoTs in the war on party culture in Isla Vista.

“Who are they? What do they know? Who do they even know here, bro?” Yang added, as he thumbed his new “It’s Always Sunny in Isla Vista” snapback. “All of these students come in from all over the state, and they don’t even maintain a five to one ratio. At the very least, we’re going to need a kiss as entry fee. Otherwise they’re going straight to the camp.”

Yang’s press conference took place in front of the mermaid house on DP, where officials had fenced off the home from the street, and attached barbed wire to the top of the fences in a symbolic gesture to show how seriously UCSB administration is taking IV defense. Yang supporters cheered the sentiment while holding signs saying “Those who Commutes is in cahoots with the OoTs.”

“We have the most powerful fences on this planet, and we are not afraid to use them,” assistant to the Chancellor Mark Richards said. “If it comes to it, we’re even ready to fence off all of Isla Vista and create a self sustaining community. Sure, no one will be able to leave, but we finally will be relieved of this plague of out of towners. These students better get used to a steady diet of burgers, burritos, and Keystone Light.”