How do I handle this?

06-24-2008, 02:26 PM

First I should mention that my father is only playing with my DS & isn't being mean. That being said, I cannot stand when he says these things! Here is a conversation that just happened this past Saturday:

(My son sat in my dad's chair when my dad got up & was playing what we play at home by pretending he wasn't going to get up-I tickle him & DH "sits" on him to get him up.)

My dad: "Let me have my chair back please."

3 1/2 yr old DS: "No." (with big grin on his face)

My dad: "Can I punch you in the nose?" (said calmly)

DS: "No."

My dad: "Can I pinch you?"

DS: " No."

My Dad: "Can I pull your hair out?"

Me: "Dad, we're trying to teach him nice things." (DS got out of chair at this point.)

My dad said in a 'girlie' type sarcastic voice: "Can you nicely get out of my chair."

Me: "He was just playing with you."

My dad: "So was I."

Was going to explain but was tuned out & just let it go. Wasn't about DS being in my dad's chair, my dad thinks this is fun I guess b/c he says it out of blue before trying to play around. I just don't get it. How can that be funny? Have no idea what to say w/o upsetting or embassasing my dad. But it really bothers me. Any ideas on how to end this? We are not over there too often but would like to go over more & worried about this. Thanks!

vanessa,
i just want to be clear what it is that is bothering you about the above exchange. is it the language your dad used w/your son? or was it the joking? was it how he responded in the "girlie" voice to you? his response to your request?

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Hi Dedra,
It was my dad asking my DS if he wanted him to punch him in the nose, pinch him, etc.. I want him to stop asking my DS those kinds of things even if he is joking. Sorry I wasn't clear. Vanessa

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no probl, i just wanted to make sure that i didn't address his language when that's not what your question was about. if it were me, i would have taken issue w/his word choice, too. i think this is a perfect example of where Non-Violent Communication could be helpful. can you say something like:

dad, i know you have a need to connect w/ds. he seems to enjoy your humor and i am glad that you two are developing a relationship. however, i am concerned that he may become afraid when you tell him you're going to do unkind things to him and i have a need for my children to feel safe. i don't want him to be afraid of you. would you be willing to joke without telling him he's going to come under physical harm?

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Wow Dedra! What great wording! I will have to practice what to say for next time. I seem to get upset in the moment & forget what I should say. I really like your approach & think my dad will understand it. Thanks so much!