When I joined this forum I was a different person in many aspects of my life, and I've changed in quite a few ways. Even really basic things such as my English language skills has improved and, perhaps strangely, my view of people has changed.

As a person that quite often pour way too many emotion into things that aren't that important to my life, it is quite interesting of me to have decided to join it to begin with. I do not even really know the reasons behind joining it myself. I mean, I love the game a lot, but so do I with a lot of other games. What's so special with it in comparison to them, at least in the context of me? Nothing really, the reasons behind joining is coincident to be sure, it has to be.

That's not to say I've not contributed to the forum in my own ways. I can, if I find enough interest, participate in discussions and share my thoughts on something. Usually, though, I don't, I just sit quiet because I feel that my thoughts aren't really useful, and in many cases they aren't. I am fine with that, however, since that is the case for so many people and their own opinions on things.

To them each opinion is important, and probably to others as well, but the harsh truth, at least to me, is that the lesser voices aren't heard unless they scream loudly. I rarely do that, but I can at least smile and say that I have my thoughts and if I do not understand some other person's thoughts about a subject I will not shy away from asking them to elaborate. If they answer "no" I will need to carry on, regardless how I react to the answer. After all, each one has their own values and own thoughts on a subject and no one should force them to share them.

I believe I've invested a lot into the people I've gotten to know through the forum, and whether that is good or bad is completely subjective, of course. I, personally, think it can be quite good if you know when to stop, if you do not share too much of your personal information. I can share how I look and my name, sure. I mean, both of those pieces of information are already publically available online, I will not shy away from saying that, if I trust the person enough that is. Now, of course the person I say I trust may be completely trolling, I will not deny that, but I try to be optimistic. I would never tell anyone my adress, phone number, social security number and so on.

Perhaps this approach to anonymity is foolish, I know it probably is yet I can not change that and I do not really know why. Perhaps it is part of my personal collection of hypocracies. I know that it is a strange and perhaps even foolish approach, but I like it this way.

On the topic of hypocracies I am perhaps a posterchild of hypocracy. I tell, or rather ask, people to not hurt themselves yet I constantly feel like I should do so. I tell people how amazing they are based only on their own merits, yet whenver I am told something similar I shrug it off, or rather can not believe it. I am kind of afraid that I would be overcome with hubris and descend into a spiral of arrogance until I hit rock bottom, which I am so scared of.

I am scared of quite a lot, to be honest, not direct fears, though they exist (What I said in the "What scares you?" thread, where I shared my phobia of holes in the skin, also known as Trypophobia) they aren't really the most prevalent. Instead I have a fear of friendship, which is another part of my hypocracy, because I love it as well. To elaborate, since I am sure that isn't very clear, I am scared of friendship because I am too attachmental of a person. Not that I am clingy, but instead I am really scared of losing a friend, regardless if it is online or not.

The reason I love friendship, and this is more apparent online, however strange it sounds, is because I love being able to talk with people, share interests and sometimes put my heart into something for another person. Perhaps it is writing a poem, perhaps it is showing my support in their time or need, it doesn't matter, in the end I really do love it, more than I like it in real life.

That's not to say that I don't have a social life, far from it, but it doesn't really exist too much out of school. I have friends, but I do not really interact with them outside of school because I can not do it. I've tried, and I succeeded to a degree. A few years ago I wasn't as outgoing, I had trouble interacting in general and I was the posterchild introvert. Now, I am still introvert to some degree, and as I said it mostly manifests outside of school, but even in school I can prefer to sit by myself instead of directly having a friend to talk to.

So why can I not interact with people outside of the internet as well? I can not answer, I've tried and it doesn't work. Of course, if I tried the "right way" it would probably work, but I can not. I can not muster the courage to arrange it, I can barely make myself sit down with my friends. I do the latter, of course, but it strains me.

I am not saying I am excpetional, of course I am not, that would be absurd. I've just formed thoughts on this that I want to share, regardless of the consequences, because I can not see them, the consequences, the results and in the end how it will affect me. I am not giving out personal information, I am not telling people where I live, so how will affect me in a way that is directly hurtful?

Since I joined the forum a lot has happened that honestly has affected me personally. Not directly as in physically, but nevertheless affected me. I've met people that I like to refer to as "friends". I've lost some of them as well, not because they had to leave, but instead because I ended it. Why did I end it? Because I felt used by the friends I had, I was hated for reasons unreasonable and lied to. I was guilted into hating parts of myself and then it turned out to be a play to make a reaction out of me. Now, sure, I am not gullible, but I am foolish. I can easily spot a broken logic fallacy in an argument, I can without any trouble see a pattern in behavior, at least I think I can. (For someone my age)

Yet I am curious and optimistic, too much for my own good. I can continue to interact with a (not so obvious) troll and liar just because I want to see how it works out, I will believe someone when they say they've changed just because they say so, repeatedly. I know it is foolish, yet I do so because I want to believe my friends and when I've had enough I can end it, but it takes a while and it really strains me to keep the friendship ended.

I've been close to leaving, not only the forum but in the internet in general, becoming a casual browser of en.Wikipedia.org and Cracked.com but there's always been people wanting me to stay, and I'm happy because of that, because it shows that sometimes my trust I put in people aren't completely worthless.

Why do I write this out? When I started I really had no idea, and I would've probably just deleted it without a thought when I was done, but when I was writing I know what I want.

I want to extend a personal thank to the forum, the admins and the friends I've learned, the personal journey joining it sparked, and in the end, I wanted to thank everyone who bear with me while reading this. I understand how it can sound completely strange to people, but thank you, whoever read this, to have done just that.

I will try to contribute to the forum to the best of my abilities and I will continue to stay friends with the people I love.

//Love Encore

_________________It is all like the repeating drip of thickening oil...

The Letter X wrote: Thank you for posting this, Encore. I'm sure I speak for the whole forum when I say we're here for you.

Thank you. I don't really know how to respond. I am a little confused as to why you're saying "thank you for posting this", but that may just be that I do not know the meaning behind it.

Something good happened today:

Something happened today as I called my mother to ask for a ride back home from the train station.

She said something akin to "I called IOGT" (Which is a support line for alcoholics) I didn't really understand what she wanted to say, I had a vague idea but I said "Let's talk in the car home"

My mom called them because she finally admitted to... Drinking too much. On the ride home she was almost crying, and as I am writing this so am I. My father was an alcoholic, which is why I've always been incredibly worried when mom is drinking as much as she does. I am so... I feel overwhelmed.

She admitted to drinking too much and admitted to realizing that it had been a burden to our family in many different way. She admitted that her pattern to alcohol is destructive.

I have a very bad relationship to alcohol, I've always had that. I don't like it when people I know drink, both because my father has been an extreme alcoholic and that my mom had been drinking a lot.

_________________It is all like the repeating drip of thickening oil...

If the 'talking to people over internet is easier than real life' thing should ever bother you, there's no reason to. I used to be a social mess. I had like 1 friend until I was 12. I used to have 3 up until I was 15 (and they were 'wrong' friends). It took me a really long while to be able to interact freely with others.I'm not a very social person, but now I probably act like it when I'm comfortable with others. If you don't have a problem with it, that's fine. But should you worry at one time: you'll probably learn eventually. I know I did, so there's always hope for others xD

As for the opinion you have, just look at me and some other people (in chat or in threads). Some of the comments are ridiculous, silly, irrelevant, random, etc. I have the same mindset towards 'my opinion doesn't count, or I don't need to state it', but feel free to do so. Who knows, it might trigger something interesting.

And I think a lot of people can be hypocrites. I can listen to people talk for literally hours if it's needed and I give a lot of advice whenever I can. But I never feel like talking to others when I'm down, and when I can't find the answer myself, I will probably push away ideas given by others.

Glad to hear the latest new, man! Hope she and you will have it easier from now on!

Lastly I will say that I joined the forum on a whimsy, and was active for a while (mostly help and general section), then I stopped. A few months later I decided to try the off topic. Before finally being able to get into the chat, I had a lot of fun in that particular section. And still do ofcourse. I guess I want to say that with the few people making me laugh in those threads, you are one of the reasons I'm still active here. Which caused me to meet more people in chat, knowing more awesome people.

; _ ; :

You may express your joy through the shedding of tears.

_________________XBL: DayWafel

[21:01:43] WaffleGuy : The average Hart is a majestic f*cker

I invade people with a fat egghead and give them stuff Need help with a low level? I can help players with SL 1 to 28, 36 to 66 and 90 to 120

I thanked you because by posting what you did, you are showing that you trust the people of this forum, and in turn we can trust you. You'd be surprised at how many of us have posted similar things on these parts of the forums, and it helped everyone else understand and relate to them in better ways.

Spoiler:

It's a good thing what your mother did. Alcohol never leads to anything good, and that's the reason why I've always avoided it.

I tell you this right now, you're going to read your text in a few years and laugh at your own stupidity, i was just like you . I thought i did something thoughtful with a deep meaning to it but in truth i was just pleasuring myself with it .

Not trying to bash you or anything, hell it could even be true what you write . Just don't take it to your heart .

Though I did something with deep meaning? No, why would I do something for the sole reason of it having a deep meaning? Sure, I may look back and laugh at my own inexperience and what you call stupidity, but I would never regret it.

I don't even see what I am doing that could even be defined as stupid. I am sharing something, personal experience with a medium, that is the internet. I don't care if it has a meaning or not, it doesn't matter to me.

Pleasuring myself? No, I do not get any personal satisfaction from writing things that has the illusion of deep meaning since I know myself that I am just talking from my personal standpoint and view.

As I mentioned in the text, I had no meaning with what I wrote until the end, when I threw something together to justify writing it all out. Sure, I am not intent on lying but "thanking" the people on the forum is something I came up along the way, not something I figure out to make people think of me as a deep person.

I am not taking offense of what you said, mind you.

_________________It is all like the repeating drip of thickening oil...

This really isn't self pleasure or an attempt at being philosophical or deep. It is just expression, a person sharing their feelings and insecurities. Things other people may share, personally I share a lot of the thoughts presented in the post. There is no need to treat something as some sort of philosophical examination of the world when it isn't one. It is just a person expressing themself.

On the subject of people with their opinions. All of you here have opinions and voices, some louder than others, some more well thought out, some more excellent than others. However the fact is no matter how small you think your voice is, how little you are at the moment- when dark souls 2 comes out, you guys are gonna be the ones who set the tone, set the standard. You will be the guys people look up to as thoroughly integrated members of the forum. Please keep in mind that when the new blood come rushing in, no matter how small your voice may be, your influence on them cannot be underestimated.

It's up to you guys to really show yourselves what you and your voice counts for then. Many of us feel close here, and I've seen many friends come and go. Many friends change, many stay the same. Fact is though all of you still here are holding up the friendly close knit community that those before you laid, and those after you will lay out- but only if you guys keep doing what you're doing. If you keep being the awesome community that we know you can be at your best, then this forum will continue to thrive, and will only grow and get stronger when new members come in. For now though, it's up to you to make sure that this place is as good as it can be.

I am not attached to a forum, once again as I mentioned in the text it is a few people I've met through the forum, not the forum in itself. What I did was wonder why I joined.

Persons are obviously different, and I even admitted that it is probably really destructive in the end to be feeling attached to people where the chance to ever see them is very slim.

I have no intentions of starting an argument over such meaningless things such as personal thoughts such as that, as I am sure no one else wants. I will outright admit here: I do not stay at the forum for reasons such as PvP or covenants, instead it is because the people I've met, at least how you can define met over the internet. Sure, some of them have virtually left the forum in all but officially saying so, but I still keep in touch, to some degree.

Which is why I extended my thanks not only to the one of a kind community here, but also to those who will not see the thanks, the people I've gotten to know through the internet. This community is one of a kind, sure it has it flaws but so does everything.

_________________It is all like the repeating drip of thickening oil...

I love how you used different colors in each paragraph. Made it easier for me to read for some reason.

And, yeah. I'm glad we became friends. I enjoy talking with you, and even messing around a little.I'm glad I was of help for you, as I had no way of knowing if I could be of help, until you shared your problems with me.

And just so you know, you are one of the few on this forum, I enjoy having general conversations with.

Sorry if I haven't been on much or haven't said much, in the chat. I've been on a gaming spree.

Don't feel as if you have to justify anything. Marino feels one way and you feel another. That is perfectly Ok, and, like you say, we all have different voices and that is part of what makes a community great.

Personally, as you might already be able to guess, I am blown away by the outpouring you've shown, even if it is directed at only a select few people.

I try to do so whenever I write a wall of text, because I personally find that it breaks the monotony of the text.

Of course not when I write school stuff xD

@Pendant. Some parts are about the forum in general and some are about a few people in particular. It is all depending on where in the text you read. I didn't have a red thread when I wrote it, I just wrote on and on

Edit: I do not really understand myself what sparked me to write at all. I mean... I woke up this morning wanting to do it.

I know it may sound here like I am trying to please everyone, but I meant like this. Some part of the text I am referring to... Friends, both gained and lost, and other parts I'm simply sharing what I felt I wanted to share with you all. Nothing is forced, nothing is referring to a single person, though some parts do mention events. It is just my thoughts.

Edit 2: I also realize some people may call "********" on this, and to them I can not really say anything against it, can I? It is the internet.

This comes from my heart and I realize that skepticism will always exist and I will never, ever, try to make someone a fool for believing something is ********.

... I once again understand that this sounds like me defending something.

... I am sorry for that, you know.

Don't take what I say at face value if you don't want to, take it how serious you want it to. If I sound foolish it is because I am a fool, but know that I appreciate you reading it all

Last edited by Encore on Mon Oct 07, 2013 3:14 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : ... I don't really know. Day's been crazy.)

_________________It is all like the repeating drip of thickening oil...

Encore, You know I love you lots. On a friend level, and maybe even more so. You are easily the best friend I have ever had, online or off. Whatever reason you had for joining the thread doesn't matter. The fact is that you did. And what came with that was both good and bad (like with everything.) I know you've said to me a few times that I am one of those good things about it and I really truly appreciate it. If I had never met you, while I still may be on this forum, I know for sure I wouldn't enjoy near as much.

I think you're very kind and sweet, and you have an amazing personality. I know it's hard for you to accept it when people say good things about you, but you need to know it's true. You really really are a great person, and I am overjoyed I've gotten to know you. Even if you leave this forum, I'm sure we can always be friends though Skype and etc.

Just know this... You are wonderful, and although you may have some small flaws, you are understanding of them and try to work past them. I actually respect you more then I respect anyone else I know.

wow. that was an impressive speech. I don't think I'd ever have the balls to put out my feels like that onto the internet. Kudos to you guy, people could learn a lot from heartfelt posts like these.. I know I did.

_________________

Zeta's Choice Quote: November:

"We are not required to save the world. We are required to stand up as truly as we can for what we love."