Anyone out there stumbled on a good strong-side linebacker app for Android? I tried the free one. It kinda sucks. Damn. All right. I’ll ask around.

Yeah, I’m Von. No, no, just Von is fine. Yeahh, I do that linebacking thing for the Denver Broncos. Or I would be. They have this lockout thing going on. Have you heard about it? Oh yeah? Cool, cool. I try not to presume. Football is just what I do; it’s not who I am.

Y’all see Game of Thrones last night? If not, man, the USS Spoilers, ahoy. Some sick shit at the end. I watched it with Darrell. Homie was wildin’ out.

Me, I’ve read the first four “Song of Ice and Fire” books three times each, so I knew what was coming. Really stoked for “A Dance With Dragons”. One nice thing about not being overwhelmed with football, right? Anyway, the book is a little better than the series. Trite criticism, I know, but true. But I honestly thought if anyone was gonna put out something to rival Martin, it’d be HBO. I’ll stick with it, though. Definitely a worthy effort. I appreciate the work that goes into something like that.

I’m all about jokes, but sometimes people take this stuff too far. “The Elements of Style” is such a helpful handbook for writers. Y’know, like, sorry if someone had to correct you on your grammar and syntax that one time and you’re upset about it. I’m not being uptight about it or anything. I get the joke. I totally do. It’s just… c’mon. Where do we draw the line?

Yeah, that’s a fair point. Aw, you know what? I gotta run. We’re in our second week of daily candlelight vigils in the memory of Gil Scott-Heron. Sorry. I know I’ve been all over the place today, but that’s just kinda how my mind works. You’re the same way? Wow, dude. Good to know. Anyway, let’s catch up and have a more meaningful conversation later on. Just text me what works for you. Oh yeah, here, let me send you a text first so you get my number. Yeah, yeah, cool, cool. You got it? Nice.

Join The Discussion

I liked Von Miller when he was underground. You shoulda seen his tackling in Pop Warner before he sold out.

06.13.11 at 3:21 pm

porky1

Yeah, Von Miller was a lot cooler with the original line-up

/hides puzzlement by contributing a vague statement in a similar vein so as not to stand out

06.13.11 at 3:25 pm

Butterpants

Arcade Fire: “Who the hell is Von Miller?”

06.13.11 at 3:41 pm

Upstate Underdog

He was into Game of Thrones before it went mainstream.

06.13.11 at 3:51 pm

Donovan McRib

Von Miller liked the Constitution, but then it got signed

06.13.11 at 4:02 pm

0tarin

I figured this kharacterization was inevitable way before everyone else started to suspect. I guess I just pick up on some hidden signals that most people don’t notice.

06.13.11 at 4:27 pm

Otto Man

Meh. I’m more into the Arena League these days.

You really get a better feel for the experience in those smaller indie venues, for one thing, and second, it’s much easier to feel ironically detached about the whole thing when you’re watching a game played between the Kansas City Command and the Spokane Shock.

But hey, if you want to go commercial, whatever.

06.13.11 at 4:41 pm

SonOfSpam

@Otto: Arena sold out when Bon Jovi got involved. I enjoy the Lingerie League. No big contracts, just pure football for the love of the game. It’s real and organic. As for Von Miller…sheesh, may as well be Von Bondies, he’s so mainstream.

/sips tea made from Paraguayan fetus shavings

06.13.11 at 4:46 pm

Photoshop Pro

I need to have a deep conversation with Von soon. Something about what Pitchfork’s rating of this upcoming years’ Superbowl Halftime show will be.

06.13.11 at 4:50 pm

Brutus Ballsack

This will probably be my last comment. I just bought a typewriter. I don’t expect I’ll be using a computer ever again, too mainstream. Von seems like a chill bro, though.

peace

06.13.11 at 4:55 pm

porky1

Go ahead and conform with your bourgeois typewriter. I’m retiring from the internet to adopt Carolingian Minuscule as my preferred form of correspondence.

06.13.11 at 5:06 pm

Mike Cox opens a HUGE hole

Dude went to Texas A&M. He’s all about bonfires and getting lapdances from horses. Nice try tho, bro.

06.13.11 at 6:09 pm

Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

Von Miller totally was going to buy me a ticket to go with him to SXSW but he got fired from his job from Whole Foods. Sucks, man.

And the XFL is clearly the best football league. Yeah, they only released one season, but it’s so raw, man, and it’s so insightful. The halo rule on returns is just inspired.

/Joke about Pitchfork

06.13.11 at 6:24 pm

FavreFAIL

Even with all of his money, Von likes to wear vintage clothes and stroll around Echo Park in his beach cruiser. Feels much more authentic that way. But if you don’t like, then, whatever.

06.13.11 at 6:38 pm

On Like Ndamukong

As a lifelong Broncos fan in Texas I approve this kharacterization. I hope him and Neck Beard can have a conversation one day

/Hipster joke you have never heard of.

06.13.11 at 7:25 pm

Mandy

I want to see him smoking a hand-rolled clove cigarette while riding a fixed-gear bike in patched jeggings before I pass judgment.

06.13.11 at 7:42 pm

Brady'sLeftKneecap

@porky1: That’s how it’s done, son. Hip-hip-away.

06.13.11 at 9:20 pm

Kam Fong as Chin Ho

First of all, Darrell is on the camera, Larry is the man freakin’ out. But for reals, who can blame him, “They killed his nigga Ned!” Game of Thrones is a fantastic series and no one denies this!
Second of all, I forget, but damn, they killed Ned!

06.13.11 at 10:03 pm

EJ

That Game of Thrones reaction video is the nerd version of the immortal Britfarr “Holy FuckTackle!!” video.

06.13.11 at 10:06 pm

EJ

Except I guess in the case of Game of Thrones they meant for that to happen. Anyway, yeah, it’s cool that people are into GoT because of the TV series, but I doubt that most of the people that are claiming to be fans now could really appreciate the subtleties of the books.

06.13.11 at 11:42 pm

Mike

I have to say I don’t really get this kha– wait, is that an adidas cardigan he’s wearing with a picture of a vespa on it? OHH

Ugh, you listens to music on an MP3 player? I hired a travelling minstrel to follow me around and sing songs of the golden age. But your iZune or whatever is fine too.

06.14.11 at 9:23 am

Mandy

Pssh. Reading is so mainstream now. I saw Gutenberg print his first Bible. It was just like, me and 10 other people there.

06.14.11 at 9:55 am

Drunk Gazelle

Look out Vonald, IT’S A TRAP!
– Ensign Ackbar

06.14.11 at 10:06 am

jackin'4beats

Is he a black Hipster? Those actually exist? Wow. Looks like we’ll be needing to get the Drop Squad back together.

06.14.11 at 11:31 am

Clubber Lang

@jackin4beats

We are called blipsters and we are everywhere. NYC, MIA, ATL, LA, etc…we don’t die we multiply.

06.14.11 at 11:50 am

Mandy

@Clubber Lang – Bebe’s Kids weren’t blipsters, were they?

06.14.11 at 12:32 pm

Carson Palmer's Real Estate Agent

@Clubber Lang – you’re not in Minnesota, are you? Because then I’ll have to rethink my entire worldview, which is predicated on Chris Black telling me 13 years ago that the only black people in Minnesota are Prince and Kirby Puckett.

06.14.11 at 12:33 pm

Carson Palmer's Real Estate Agent

errr…Chris Rock.

06.14.11 at 12:37 pm

shootme

So would a white hipster be a whipster? Because I like the sound of that… And what type of whip would a whipster push? The mind boggles.

What type of whip would a whipster push if a whipster could push whips?

Let me just say that I could give a shit about Hipsters, Blipsters or Whipsters, but men wearing skin tight jeans like leotards makes me want to walk up to them and slash their Achilles tendons before walking away mumbling something about caterpillars on my brain.

/carry on…

06.14.11 at 4:28 pm

Bellwether Johnson

[complains that Hip-Hop peaked with the release of ATLiens]

06.14.11 at 4:35 pm

Clubber Lang

I wear European cut jeans, thank you very much. I would apprieciate it if you wouldn’t stare at ass as I walk away, it’s rude to say the least.

06.14.11 at 4:56 pm

Clubber Lang

@Bellwether Johnson

ATLiens is a classic, no doubt but I would say Love Below/SpeakerBoxx was the apex, after Ja, Nelly, and Fiddy Cent came into the picture it was all down hill.

*listens to Aquemini on Iphone*

06.14.11 at 11:36 pm

Moose (the thread ender)

I’m listenin’ to the Butt Trumpets (you probably haven’t heard of them, no corporate global economy type of record label; they are relocating to Seattle to be closer to the real people) with my vintage Koss headphones (about ten pounds) on my reel-to-reel that I recorded from fresh vinyl. I love this monochrome screen, it brings an Edward Weston feel to the internet, it brings it back to real.

(Sorry, I’m not good at this type of satire; I only have that shit because I’m too cheap to buy new shit)

Peace

06.15.11 at 4:31 am

Georgos Agricolae

Why yes, they did kill your nigga Ned, dog.

06.15.11 at 10:11 pm

zhamo

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As long as he can tackle, pursue, cover the mid zones, rush the passrer, learn the playbook, stay healthy, get some fines, be good enough to make the offense focus on him, he can smoke (but not inhale) all the clove cigarettes in hipsterdom and keep those glasses.