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Free-Range Parenting: Knowing When to Let Go

I asked our 9-year-old son if he thought he and his 6-year-old brother were old enough to walk the mile between our home and the neighborhood community pool without me or Mom.

He shook his head “no” before I finished the question.

“Maybe in one more year,” he said. “But right now … it’s a mile.”

He paused to marvel at the magnitude of the word, the vast distance it represents for a third grader, the incomprehensible here-to-thereness of it.

“There’s so much chance of bad stuff happening along the way,” he continued. “Like, what if there’s a snake or something?”

Yes. Exactly.

What if the mean streets of our suburban Central Florida neighborhood were over-run by an army of hungry Burmese pythons, on the hunt for new meat after eating all the rabbits and deer in the Everglades?

Or something?

Something like aggressive, stinging fire ants, which can swarm up a small child’s leg in an instant and inflict dozens of painful wounds.

Something like reckless high school-age kids tearing around the neighborhood like idiots on modified, rocket-propelled golf carts.

Something like a careless driver flying along far too fast to see two little boys alone crossing the road.

Something like open bodies of water – retaining ponds, drainage creeks and golf course lakes.

Actual alligator sunning itself near the sidewalk connecting our house and the community pool. It looked hungry to me.

Something like the alligators that frequent those bodies of water. (Seriously. They’re everywhere. See photo.)

It’s a pleasant, 15-minute stroll, with broad sidewalks attended by shade trees the whole way. Wide strips of low-cut St. Augustine grass form a green, well-tended barrier between the walkways and the occasional passing minivan.

It’s a nice neighborhood. It’s a safe neighborhood. It’s the kind of place where friends respond gladly to neighbors in need. Crime is low.

This is home.

Yet, even in this idyllic setting, danger lurks behind every swaying palm tree. The seemingly tranquil stretch between our driveway and poolside actually is a battle scape.

But they’re kids, and we’re parents. They don’t yet possess the capacity to deal with crises — or even minor conflict — without adult supervision. It’s our job as their parents to help them learn those skills, and part of learning means failing at it. We understand that, but we’re not going to be irresponsible about it, either.

So, when they play outside, they must do so within shouting distance of the front or back doors. If they plan to go inside at someone else’s house, they must let us know where they’ll be and for how long.

Still, I want to protect them. I need to protect them. It’s more than a sense of responsibility or duty. The compulsion is visceral. It’s fierce. It’s real, and it’s not going anywhere soon – if ever.

This urge to shelter them from the harshness of the world is something I’ll have to work through as a father. As they grow, so too will I.

Part of being a parent is learning when and how to let go. It’s gradual, sometimes imperceptible, but eventually – they let go of their need for reassurance. They no longer feel the urge to look over their shoulders and make sure we’re still there. They let go and move on, alone in the world but ready for what comes.

When that happens, I’ll have to be ready to let go, too.

Not yet, though. Not just yet.

Maybe in one more year. But right now … it’s a mile too far.

One day, he won’t look back to make sure I’m there. I need to be ready for that day. I’m glad it’s not here yet, though.

9 thoughts on “Free-Range Parenting: Knowing When to Let Go”

It’s funny how this closely echoes my fears for my 7 years old daughter. I want her to be free to play & visit friends in the neighborhood. But there’s always that “what if” fear nagging in the background. We paid for the privilege of living in the lowest crime area in Hillsborough county, yet there’s still that noticeable inner voice whispering a digest of every horrible child abduction story I’ve ever heard.

Exactly. And snakes. And alligators. And fire ants. But I have to grow right alongside my sons. Part of that is learning when to let them go do what they’re going to do, with or without me and their mom.

It’s all about balance and that, to me, is what it sounds like you are doing! (My brother couldn’t wait to walk the mile home from the bus stop growing up; I never cared and liked the company if my parents were with me! Interesting food for thought.)

Having moved here from out west where alligators were strictly zoo animals they are my biggest fear when letting my kids roam the neighborhood. Fortunately for me my youngest is 13 so I feel pretty confident letting them go to the park or friends in the area by themselves. Of course I also signed them up for Tae Kwon Do and MMA. Too bad I doubt that will help them with the critters…

Well said. We’re still a bit young (6 and 3) and we live in Jersey City (not exactly idyllic), but the time is coming sooner than we imagine when we will have to let go. My wife is very risk averse. I’m not, not really. But, they’re still my kids. Like you, I worry I won’t be there to protect them. Or haven’t prepared them to protect themselves.

I don’t let my kids walk the block and a half from our house to their school without me taking them at least halfway and even then if I don’t walk them the whole way (about once every 2 weeks) I watch them until then turn past the building and into the school property. And we live in a good neighbeohood. There’s even ANOTHER school in between our house and their school.

But that’s part of the problem. There are too many predators out there, and I’m not referring to aligators. There was a suspicious truck parked outsite the playground of the school last year and the guy was just *watching* the school kids. Even the cops came and sat on the guy but ultimately couldn’t do anything. That was less than a block from our house. Within a mile radius of us there are stories of people trying to lure kids into their cars walking to and from school. Several over the last few years. Thankfully none of them successful but we always hear about it because the schools send out alerts.

Things are different from when we grew up. It sucks. I hate being overly cautious. It gives me anxiety and I’m sure it is contributing to my ulcer.