Caught at the Beach in Montauk

An employee of a daycare center in Southampton has allegedly stolen more than $500,000 from the bank account that the center uses. Holy cow! I had no idea there was that much money in the daycare business.

Marijuana

A man in Montauk was caught with an unlawful amount of marijuana on his person after police observed him in his car and could smell the smoke of marijuana coming out of the window while he was parked at the beach.

A man sitting in his car at the beach in the middle of the wintertime in Montauk was smoking marijuana? Shocking!!! In other news, the sky is blue.

Shelter Island

OldManMcGumbus, 107 and former WorldWarII P-29 aircraft engineer, was flying his personal airplane over Shelter Island last week. McGumbus, who owns a Cessna aircraft, had a sign attached to the back of the plane that read, “Dear Hippies, Please Go Away, Nobody Wants You On Shelter Island. This Is America God Damn It!” McGumbus was circling the island just over Coecles Harbor when he had engine trouble. He was heard over the emergency airwaves stating, “I’M HIT! I’M HIT! I’M GOING DOWN! I’M GOING DOWN!”

McGumbus, who is an expert pilot, navigated his plane successfully over the ShelterIslandPancakeFactory, which is owned by Sunshine Flower (yes that is his legal name) and crash-landed his plane directly into the small warehouse where all of the pancake flour is housed. The padding from the pancake flour saved his life. “YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE YOU BIG JERK!” Flower was heard saying. McGumbus responded to Flower by yelling back, “YOU GOD DAMN HIPPIE!!!” and set fire to the warehouse with a match. The entire island smelled of deliciously fresh pancakes. A fistfight between McGumbus and Flower ensued, but it was broken up quickly.

Christmas

A creepy man in Southampton was walking up to children, shaking their hands and wishing them all Merry Christmas. OH GROW UP FOLKS, that was just a guy dressed up like SantaClaus and it is a wonderful thing for everyone!!!

Every Day I’m Shuffling

Three men on the NorthFork were seen dancing in the middle of the street and singing the words, “Every day I’m shuffling…shuffling, shufflin’” No arrests were made, but this actually happened, and yes, I think it’s awesome.