the wandering polar bear

Friday, January 3, 2014

Fragments of old memories strung together, translucent beads of gestures, glances, smiles, and brief yet electrifying grazes of the skin, lead down toward a solid pendant, a full image of you. I had held you in my hand many times before, but never like this. Never like this, to be so close, to feel how every fiber of my being suddenly focused itself on what i had now. So powerful it became my courage. So intense to even quiet down my tumultuous heart and grant me, even for a brief moment, to wander again... and get lost in your gaze, to dive into your embrace, and immerse myself in the possibility of finding my heart's delight again.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

I never understood what is it about this statement that I always find myself questioning whether to take it as a compliment (that my only redeeming quality are slits for eyes), or an insult (that my only redeeming are slits for eyes). It never seemed to bother me before, but as of late, this by far seems to be the most common reason why I get people to even take second glance at me, or my pictures in some social site I would rather not mention. LOL

Either I am thirsting for more original conversation-starters, or the statement just sounds really (pardon me for saying it) DUMB. It has even come to a point that I found myself correcting a guy, maybe out of exasperation, that I actually dont have chinky eyes, but rather have them almond shaped... contrary to what a lot of people think. Chinese does not always equate to chinkiness. If that was so, I would think you'd hear clamor from the other East and Central Asians out there, who I believe have better ownership of the term (seen any Mongolians lately? Or even Eskimos!)

Sometimes I wonder how the laws of attraction works. It has been theorized that we have been wired to find the most symmetrical to be the most attractive. Symmetry equates to better genes, as well as a preponderance of genetically dominant traits. Taking this into account.... having slits for eyes are to me, by far, the most ASYMMETRICAL feature one can have if taken as a basis for attractiveness, even more so as dominant traits go, since they really aren't. So what really is it about eyes disappearing under the folds of one's face that simply have these people find it so special?

In China, people spend LOTS of money to actually have their eyes less chinky. Plastic surgeons make a killing slitting (apparently) these slits open to enlarge people's eyes, adding folds and what nots, just so these natural chinks don't look like natural chinks anymore. So, if one day all of China gets "un-chinkified".... would slits-for-eyes still be called chinky?

Sorry, it's still early in the day and my brain is just starting to warm up.

Been chatting with a guy who selects his dates by this feature, and another guy who has this feature. In fairness to chinks (myself not included), there are some really good looking ones out there, who look even more adorable when their eyes disappear. I guess it's an endearing feature, baby-faced and soft, unlike the more testosterone, -ERish feature manly men usually have. I probably just dislike it that my person was reduced to this just one feature, so minor, so small, that if I just had your typical shaped eyes, I wouldn't even stand a chance of getting this much attention.

A sad, frustrating reality.

Then again, I am sure I am guilty of doing similar forms of reduction, just not with eyes.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

I have been in a journey of self-reinvention. I've always been resistant to change and considering my passive nature, it no longer needs to be said that it takes a lot of inertia-overcoming force to budge me off my current state. However, there are moments in my life that I willfully allow myself to simply just commit, or indulge, or surrender to almost impulsive whims and be unmindful of the consequences. My ex used to say that I need to learn how to be spontaneous, something he himself is learning as well. Spontaneity, the idea scares the heck out of me... but that's another story.

So time came when I felt that urge to change. Like in a lot of personal reinventions, I start out with the one I have most control over, my body. I have been working out for a good number of years now and have fallen victim to a fitness plateau. Despite maintaining a decent size and weight, I have grown bored of my exercise routine. Boredom eventually led to laziness and soon enough I found myself disliking exercising altogether. Thankfully so, a friends post of facebook changed all of that when he sent an invite to try CrossFit.

I honestly have never heard of CrossFit at all. I have, however, in the process of trying to get myself off my fitness slump, been researching on ways to improve my regimen, and for the time being been reading on anaerobic training. I have also been tracking the progress of another friend of mine (who had been generous enough to post selfies of his progress) who had been reaping its benefits. Probably that, and a slowly emerging wave in incorporating HIIT to ones training were the reasons why I decided to give CrossFit a look. The gym, thankfully so, wasn't too far away from where I was working so doing a quick snoop wouldn't be too inconvenient.

Crossfit Insurrecto was different, to say the least. For the most part, the "gym" was empty. No exercise equipment whatsoever except for a few dumbbells, a squat cage and some olympic bars. You basically just walk into to open space with only its members huffing and sweating it out while their coaches holler on. One of the coaches approached me and oriented me as to what CrossFit was all about. I had done my advance reading so I had an idea already but hearing it from a practitioner as well as seeing it first hand was WAY better. I could feel a slow excitement building inside me, almost the same feeling when I tried doing muay thai. I asked if it would be ok if I stayed to watch them workout, just to get a better feel and they graciously agreed.

I can't recall the workout they did that evening when I visited anymore. All I can recall was that it was intense, and the feeling was exhilarating. I signed up for their beginners class the week after. That was more than a year ago and now, I'm still crossfitting.

I initially got attracted to CrossFit because it was geeky. The coaches were well adept in their fields and knew how to instruct, as well as understood why they do what they do. They coach with science to back up their claims and keep things in perspective, that is, CrossFit is about overall FITNESS, and fitness does not discriminate whether you're fat, thin, ugly, pretty, guy, girl, or in between, tall, short, young, old, weak or strong. Fitness is for everyone and everyone should aim to be fit.

I sincerely enjoy my workouts now and have found myself challenging my boundaries, something I have never been comfortable doing since I dislike change. Pushing myself has left a mark on my psyche and, maybe, added some confidence in many departments of my rather undermanned self esteem. I have noticed I have gotten stronger, I am healthier, I feel more sociable, and have truly found a group of like-minded people who not only encourage me, but empower me to do INCREDIBLE things.

I like our mantra "Dig Deep. Finish Strong"

If you guys live n QC, near Tomas Morato and want to give CrossFit a try, here is their website for further info: CrossFit Insurrecto

If you guys live in Makati, however. You could try CrossFit Mad Minute too. FYI, I did the interior design for the place (shameless plug. LOL)

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

I "liked" the invite on facebook without giving it much thought. I have to admit I havent been following the news lately and only have most of my information distilled from accounts from my peers, almost filtered to gossipy levels. I never bothered to read about the scandal nor even allowed myself to be the least interested in it.... maybe because in my heart of hearts, I have lost a lot of hope already. Liking the march invite almost felt like a knee-jerk reaction to something new, or maybe, in the hopes that there is still a part of me that is optimistic about change in this country, that liking the invite would serve as a catalyst for change, in me at the very least.

Buzz in my viber chatgroup about attending the march began and most if not all my friends agreed to join. Though initially never crossing my mind, stirred up by the fervor of usually politically-indifferent people, I agreed to join as well. Schedules were made, plans were set, now all we had to do was wait for Monday to arrive.

Monday morning came and my kuya, surprisingly, woke up before I did and had me ready up for the march. We knew early on that roads leading to Luneta were already closed and that parking was going to be a problem. We eventually decided to park all the way at Fort Santiago and walk. It was still early and it looked like the weather was going to be cooperative.

We arrived at Luneta at around 8am and the grounds were slowly beginning to fill up with people. News channels have already set up their respective stages, high above the crowd hoping to get the best views. Best views of what, I wondered. Kuya and I have been walking around for a while now, both of us trying to get a feel of what was going to happen. We went from pocket to pocket, from groups dancing to slow their disdain, to students chanting their school's slogans, from senior citizens waving flags of different nations, to kids just running about in search of celebrities.... we finally found ourselves staying put, a few meters from the large TV screen. It wasn't really the front since, according to the voice that kept reminding people, this rally was LEADERLESS. there was technically no OFFICIAL organizer, no STAGE to gather around, no ONE to rally people to unite their voices and direct it's force towards the unshakable powers of congress.... which, to me was the reason the rally failed.

Coming home that afternoon, all muddied and sunburt, kuya and I discussed what we felt about tour morning's activity, and both of us felt pretty much the same, disappointed, underwhelmed.

Kuya liked the march (which was more loiter, to be exact) what happened in New York during the mass "Occupy Wallstreet" sit down. All it really did was create buzz, nothing more. Change needs a leader, a singular head, I sincerely believe. The march didn't reach it's million people number. It was pretty obvious considering the many open spaces in the crowd. It didnt reach the skin-crawly clamor I had hoped to witness when we had the noise barrage at noon. I didn't unite the people's sentiments about how corrupt our government is and how evil men rule our land. To think that Lito Atienza and Renator Corona had the gall to appear in the rally proves that we are too kind to forgive and forget, as well as too indifferent about how our country is hemorrhaging from self-serving "leaders" who have made politics their and their family's profession.

Democracy for the Philippines almost feels like an illusion many Filipinos convince themselves to believe in. Outwardly, we may look like a country ruled by the people, but in many ways, power in only in the hands of a select few, a select corrupt, greedy, opportunistic, malicious, arrogant, evil few, who will never relinquish their powers, who will never change, who will never let the people win, who will do WHATEVER it takes to keep what they have and make us believe them to be honorable still.

I honestly don't know what else to think of feel about the government anymore.

I would like the people, all of them, involved in this scandal prosecuted, convicted and executed.... PUBLICLY if possible. Primal fear is the only understandable language for these beast. Like how China executes their public officials caught with corruption. Shame their families, ALL their relatives even if they are not entirely responsible and lets see if political dynasties will still flourish. Instill FEAR into those who want to run for politics to take their jobs seriously and take true HONOR in the duty. FEAR from the people who they should be serving, and FEAR from the law who will truly be RUTHLESS in dealing with any wrong doing.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

So it has been ten months since my last relationship ended, and though it would have been nice to write about budding romances and hopeful futures filled with sanguine imagery, my life has been quite dry in the love department, not that I'm feeling sorry about it really.

I don't really know if it's normal to be this disinterested in relationships since it seems a lot of my peers were quick to rebound from their failed romances. I did try to rekindle my heart to consider potentials but either the market has been short of good pickings or it's just me... losing all interest in love altogether.

I did have some hopefuls. Some.

Mr. Singapore was charming to say the least. He chatted me up while on his last day in the country and despite not really being the LDR type of guy, I considered keeping in touch with him since he was awfully pleasant and offered me the decent conversations I always enjoyed. I grew fond of him, and maybe among all those I've met, he was the only one I honestly considered... he, however wanted to keep things platonic. I respected that. Work eventually got in the way of schedules and just as quickly as we became close, so did interests begin to wane until now all I have of him is a number and a long thread of messages we shared about the most random of things.

The Chemist was a Fil-chi boy based in the US, taking up his Doctorate in Chemistry. I never really thought our conversation were all that serious because our topics revolved more around our fitness regimens and him trying to find guys to date. He said he was lonely and wanted someone nice to talk to. I guess I was nice and familiar enough for him that he took the effort to pick me out among the many guys he'd been lurking on online. Our topics soon found me feeling all motherly towards him. Maybe from all those times I'd comfort him when he'd text me about being lonely and being nervous about this guy he's trying to date. I don't hear from him much anymore. I hope he's happier now.

Gladiator is an athlete, singer, and taken... 10 years in a relationship and well, chatting with me. Needless to say my morals tell me to stay away from the guy, however, I have not, and have maintained contact with him through text messages. Though I can say there will never be any chance of things happening between us, I have however entertained the idea of dating him... if he weren't attached that is. I enjoy his wit. I enjoy his eloquence, his intelligence, and in a way, though questionable, his commitment to his partner. Opportunities to meet in person never seem to come about and that's fine. I guess even destiny is guarding me.

There was the Rocker who was always busy with his music. The Designer who was hot, but apparently a pothead. The Stylist whom my friends advised me to stay away from. The OTHER stylist who just need a f*ck. The lawyer who would suddenly BURST into song. The IT professional who just disappeared. The Malaysian who was too far away. The Merchandiser who I just couldn't fall for.

I really do think I tried and put myself into the trouble of really, really consider people, but sadly, no one seems to fit. I really don't mind so much. People say I'm too picky, I just say, I guess I am already at a point in my life where I know what I want and don't really wish to compromise on it. It's not THAT high, my standards is, and to be quite honest, I have much to give, much to offer, so it really is right for me to be patience and take my time to find the right person... if ever that person does exist.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

I pan the horizon, the setting sun washing the colors of tin roofs and
crumbling facades in hues of crimson and gold. I set my eye finally on
you, sitting yourself quietly alone on your ledge, sitting precariously,
inches away from a fatal drop i am comforted you will never be a victim
of. you are, after all, a person of great control. yet in your quiet
stillness, oblivious to my presence, I wonder, what stirs in your mind.

I approach you.

I sit beside you and study your focused expression, your distant stare
onto the wide horizon. you did not stir. you did not flinch as if
enchanted by a spell i was once aware of. i follow your gaze, beyond
glowing roofs and bleeding facades, past the mountains and hills, past
the breaking clouds that lined afar, onto the fading setting sun. it
called to you.

i know. it called me once too, but the silence has now engulfed me and i have lost my control.

and as the initial inches become feet and miles, and as the image of you
become a memory, i feel the wind in my face and wait for the cosmos to
catch me, even if i know, you were still tightly in its overwhelming
embrace.