Unbreaking Me: Look Back

When last I wrote, I was fine… I kissed him for the last time and turned away. My therapy dropped down to bi-weekly. Recently, I learned that this means I am no longer in “crisis” mode. Apparently, I was in crisis mode.

My therapist is leaving soon. She offered me the chance to go through her new facility or have a new therapist. It is my choice. One I still am not sure about. In our last conversation, she said to me with a huge smile, “One thing I love about patients like you, is you do document everything.”

I nodded.

“Yes,” I said. “I did. I wrote it all down.”

“Go back,” she said. “Re-read it.”

I think… with her leaving, I should.

On a whim, I saw this article: Here are 7 steps to healing that surprised me. and stopped dead in my tracks. I read it and wow… the insight… So here it goes. I’m reading this article… and I’m taking you with me.

Here are 7 steps to healing that surprised me.

Awareness…realizing that what you did experience was traumatic and wasn’t normal. New thoughts? Yes. It is awareness. But it’s more than just awareness. Awareness is only… really… just a different perspective. It’s seeing things differently, finally, for once.

Acceptance…that you do in fact have a problem…that you do in fact need help. New thoughts? And that you just might be wrong. That you can be better.

Hope…That you aren’t alone. That you can be better. That others can help you. New thoughts? That you can do this. You can change. You can stand up again and push on.

First Steps…That first plunge in the right direction that will lead you out of the mental maze. That first phone call to a facility. That first introduction. The paper work, assessment, and then your first session. Many quit at this stage. New Thoughts? Don’t quit. This truly was the hardest part. It’s all downhill from here.

The Confrontation…individually addressing each event, each emotion, each situation and calling it all for what it really was. Abuse. New thoughts? The power of the words “You hurt me” and “You did this to me!” Getting angry. And letting the anger come and play its course. So many nights I stood balling my hands into fists, letting the tears fall down my face while I screamed, “He did this to me! Look what he turned me into! What he did to me! What he took from me! He hurt me!” And learning to accept that screaming those words to yourself is the only satisfaction you may ever get.

Changing Perspective…Redefining everything. For me, a rape survivor, I am redefining my own list of actions. Foreplay” is “Making out.” “Sex” is “bonding.” “Horny” is “physical loneliness.” New thoughts? Sexual abuse is not the same thing as sexually active. I wasn’t actually sexually active until I was in my early twenties. That makes me smile. That was one more thing I could take back from them. Damn bastards.

Challenging the false premise I developed and re-directing my thoughts onto positive thoughts. New thoughts? I now see so much evidence glaring me in the face, proving to me that I’m loved more than I know, I’m more important than I once believed. I’m not just somebody. I’m somebody to be valued. Too many people remind me every day of this fact. I can no longer deny it.