Eva Ackermann - December 6, 1982

Memories II

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I'm don't--I'm not even aware of it, you know a few days before the holidays uh, I get so nervous. And I uh, to a point where I come off pretty mean uh, to whoever it is around me. Then I realize that this is uh, holiday season and uh, it's just a natural reaction for me to, uh and you see that's not uh, that doesn't go away. It's, it's more prominent uh, I mean this is something, you know, when I get restitution and uh, every once in awhile--excuse me--I have to uh, they will ask me--that's how I get to Dr. Krystal. I always think uh, because they want to see what changes went on. I mean what do they think, that I forget or uh, or what's happening in me or what is it that a time would take care of. Time doesn't take care of--this was such a--time doesn't even take care of--maybe it takes care of a natural death. Somebody uh, dies at--they live out their life and they uh, they die naturally or uh, or even if you know where their grave is. All I have to show for are two--for my parents or my husband's parents, two little bricks with their name on. When I go there and I uh, I put a little stone there, that I was there. So that--time doesn't change that. That, that goes on forever and the hurt goes on forever and the worry goes on forever. Goes on and it gets worse because uh, I'm at the age now where my mom uh, was when she was taken and I, I feel--I have mixed feelings whatever I am kind of thinking that, that maybe that's for me too. Maybe this is how uh, this is enough. I know it's foolish but it, it cross--I can't help it, it crosses my mind and then on the other hand, I really don't feel old. I feel uh, middle-aged that I am, but young, terribly young to die for her to uh, to die in a manner that she did.