Guest Submitted

So, we've been married for 13 years. I never imagined I'd have a perfect life. Really, I just wanted to be happy and peaceful. Apparently, that's not our lot in this world. I read all these stories, and they sound so familiar. All of us too afraid to leave because of the impact on our kids. My kids adore their father. He's the "fun one". I can't stomach it sometimes when they get all excited upon his arrival home. I try not to, but sometimes I can't help but mention, "I wish someone was that excited to see me!" He has had a problem with pornography since before we got married. I didn't know about it until after we were married. He's a compulsive spender. He lies so often that I don't know how to tell what is the truth any more. I think he might just be addicted to me. That's why he freaks out when he thinks I might leave. He's answered ads, but I don't know if he's ever met someone in person. It doesn't really matter, does it? I'm so depressed right now. Someone else said it comes in waves, or something like that... it does. We will be ok... He will be ok... everything is going well, and then bam! He does something stupid. How does he lie to me over and over and over again? How can he stand to do these things, knowing how much they kill me inside. He's so manipulative. If he doesn't get his way, he blows up and throws all these imagined things at me, trying to make me feel guilty. There are days I just want to die and make it all just stop. There are days that I just want him to die and leave us alone.... I don't want to feel this way any more.

My name is Anna and I am hesitant to share my story because, unlike most women, I married my husband knowing he had this issue. I am hesitant because I feel I will be called a fool for getting involved with a Godly man addicted to pornography. I'm writing this here praying that is not the case because I need help.

During our courtship, my now husband, confessed to me his addiction to pornography, he was broken and contrite and was committed to changing and finding help. Our courtship took place when my husband was in his final year of medical school and I was finishing nursing school. When my husband(then boyfriend) graduated medical school and began residency, he lost his accountability partner.