What follows is Clitlick's article published in Lee Baxandall's magazine. Baxandall used the article to shift the connection from the naturists onto the nudists, when -- in this case -- the nudists deserved to take none of it. Clitlick was a long time naturist. He was a writer for Lee Baxandall and he was a long time free beach and free love/sex advocate.
I AM A RECOVERING PEDOPHILE. Every two weeks I receive injections of a female hormone (medroxyprogesterone) designed to counteract my testosterone, thus depressing my libido- a process known as "chemical castration." I also attend weekly group psychotherapy sessions, in a cognitive restructuring ("brainwash") program for sex offenders (mostly incestuous fathers, step-fathers, and grandfathers).
My crime occurred in 1980 or earlier. Thru swinging, I had met a ultra-liberal nudist family. The parents attended and hosted adults-only orgies. The children went with them on nude camping trips and visits to the nude beach. Although I was a self-described pedophile, the parents allowed me to befriend their two children, a boy and a girl, then around 7 and 8.
Most of my interaction with the kids consisted of innocent play, usually nude. In addition, I fondled the girl's vulva and occasionally performed cunnilingus on her. I never had erections in their presence, nor did I ask them to perform any sexual acts on me.
I was romantically in love with my girl victim, although I realized her feelings for me amounted merely to friendship. In my fantasy I was her lover; in practice, her playmate.
My urge was driven by several factors: First, I genuinely enjoy the company of children, more than most adults do. Second, I am unable to maintain an erection with any partner (man, woman, girl, or boy) which is a severe handicap in adult relationships; but no handicap with children. Third, my ideal woman would be quite petite (like my mother, who was only 5 ft. tall, and thin); so girls are attractive by being short, and by having slender bodies and smooth skin. Fourth, I lack attributes expected of an adult male (no job, no car, no dancing ability, etc.); which makes it difficult to relate to adult women, especially as I age; but kids don't care if you're old and poor; they merely seek attention. Fifth, I am emotionally child-like and childish myself.
I developed an elaborate rationalization ("stinkin' thinkin' ") to justify my behavior. I believed that sexual pleasure was inherently good, and that some (not all) types of erotic play were age-appropriate for children, such as masturbation, fondling, and nudity. If sex were basically good, then sexual learning would begin as soon as the child showed interest.(Precocity in music is praised; but sexual ignorance is considered virtue.) I believed that my needs suited me to be an erotic mentor to an intelligent child.
I believed that such relationships, with the knowledge and consent of the parents, could become acceptable in advanced societies such as Denmark or the Netherlands. And among avant-garde life-stylers here. But I failed to worry enough about the reaction of the straight state.
I also failed to consider the extreme changeability of kids. One can expect an adult to hold similar views from year to year. But the views of children are continually changing-generally away from their parents' views and toward those of their schoolmates. Thus nudist children tend to become more prudish as they grow older, reflecting the views of their non-nudist peers. A small child shares her parents' view point, however unusual; while an older child or teen conforms to social norms.
My victim's views have changed toward conventionality. The problem of consent rearises: Will this activity be acceptable not only today, but also next year when remembered?
My relationship ended around 1980, when my victim informed her parents of our forbidden games. The police found out in 1983. I became a fugitive until 1988, when the law finally caught me. In jail, quite depressed, I attempted to cut off one of my testicles. Unfortunately I failed.
I was charged with three counts of fondling and three counts of cunnilingus. My victim was willing to testify against me. My lawyer negotiated a plea-bargain under which I would serve a one-year county jail sentence, and then be released on probation for 5 years. I pled guilty to one count of fondling, and the other five counts were dropped.
If I violate probation, I can be sent to state prison for a 5-yr sentence. Probably I wouldn't survive prison, as "normal" prisoners harass and try to kill pedophiles; this is one way in which an ordinary criminal can redeem himself.
My problem now is to complete probation successfully. The chemical castration and cognitive therapy are prescribed by court order. To associate with children or to go where children congregate, I would need a chaperone an adult who knows that I'm on probation for fondling. I am also required to obey all laws (except traffic laws); which means that I cannot go nude at the nude beach, where nudity is unofficially tolerated but technically illegal. (I am avoiding the nude beach anyway, as I expect my former friends there would reject me now as a convicted child-molester.)
I realize now how futile it is to try to explain my experiences. Most people-including educated, intelligent, sexually-tolerant people-view the pedophile as an insane rapist, whose motives are not worth examining. While the ignorant would kill the pedophile, the educated would incarcerate him for life in hospital or prison. --Jeff Poland