35 Answers

By Kym Hackenberger
- Posted on Sep 6, 2011

08

I offer to help in any way I can. And then I try to leave it alone from there. If they accept, great. If they don't, then it's their business, not mine. Am I ALWAYS able to do this? Sadly, no. But I do try. It's hard not to get entangled in your child's unhappiness, no matter what age they are. But I have to remind myself that they are adults, and that they have the right to their feelings and to their own solutions.

23

By Brenda Roof
- commented on Sep 16, 2011

016

YEA WHEN THEY ARE ALL GROWN THEIR LIVES ARE THEIR OWN. IT IS SAD WHEN THEY DONT LISTEN TO GOOD ADVICE, BUT IF U OFFER IT TO THEM AND THEY DONT LISTEN THEN ALL U CAN DO IS LEAVE IT ALONE, AND PRAY FOR THEM. NEVER GIVE UP ALWAYS PRAY , PRAY.

When this happens to my 2 adult children(often), I heart wants to take over and make it better; I have to Make myself remember they are grown adults. I tell them I am here always for them, no matter what, I will listen, and help in any way I can, however I cannot give them 'The' answer, they have to figure that out themselves. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do...I'm the kind of Mom, that always 'fixed' things for them, just like my Mom and Dad did for me.
"The hardest thing for a Mom; is watching a child go through something really tough and not being able to fix it for them."

20

By Katrina Hager
- commented on Sep 13, 2011

235

I totally agree with your last statement!! My son just got served divorce papers today (his grandfathers birthday too) after only being married from April. He is in California and I'm in Kansas and all I can do is tell him I love him and cry inside for him. Motherhood sucks sometime but I would NEVER trade it for ANYTHING!!!!

By Eileen Zaepfel Dagonese
- commented on Sep 15, 2011

21

I TOTALLY agree, & I guess I'm not the only one going through this. In a way I feel I have failed somewhere along the line....which makes me really sad. Suggestions to my kids is all I can do. I just wish my kids could put themselves in my position when I offer the advice...which they sometimes don't like to listen to. I will always love them & hope that they can see this through any "hard times" they are going through

By Brenda Roof
- commented on Sep 16, 2011

016

ALL STATMENTS ARE GOOD. WE AS PARENTS DO FEEL LIKE WE FAIL AT TIMES AND IM SURE WE ALL WOULD LOVE TO FIX ALL OUR CHILDRENS PROBLEM, BUT IF WE OFFER ADVICE AND THEY DONT RECEIVE IT LEAST WE GAVE IT OUR BEST SHOT. ITS SO SAD TO SEE YOUR CHILD GOING THROUGH ANYTHING THAT BREAKS THEIR HEART, BUT ALL WE CAN DO IS PRAY CAUSE THEY WANT TO LIVE THEIR OWN LIFE AND DONT WANT TO LISTEN TO OUR ADVICE. ( VERY RARE BUT SOME CHILDREN STAY CLOSE TO THEIR PARENTS AND WELCOMES THEIR ADVICE), I WISH THIS WAS THE CASE WITH MY BUT ITS NOT BUT I DO KNOW FEW THAT HAS THAT CLOSENESS WITH THEIR CHILD. I CAN ONLY PRAY FOR THEIR HAPPINESS.

My childrens lives are their own. If they come to me with a problem, I listen to them till they get it off their chest, then if they ask for advice I tell them what I think I would do in that situation and that gives them another perspective to think about to get to their own conclusion.

14

By Stacey Gannett
- Posted on Sep 6, 2011

536

I am there for my grown child, simply by letting him know that I am there and that I love him. No judgements and no bashing, just support.

8

By Judie Mackie
- commented on Sep 6, 2011

16

I tried to post this as a general answer... sorry to add it as a comment, but it would not post under "Share your Answer":
Mad at what? Mad at life? Mad at you? Mad at a relationship? Mad at themself? Mad at work? Too many variables to offer a valuable opinion on this one.

By Lois Hochstedler
- commented on Sep 14, 2011

013

My oldest child is mad at me - so therefore all kinds of things are said and done - none of it good - I am a bad mother and very bad grandmother according to her - everyone else says she is crazy about that

By Pam B.
- commented on Sep 14, 2011

226

I am having the same trouble with my oldest son(22). I made him leave my house because he was not adhering to my rules and he was being disrespectful. Although he is gonna be a daddy in December and has no job and no place to live- I am still here for him like helping him by telling him of jobs I see posted on Craigslist or getting him connected with some good men from my church. Other than that I am no longer responsible for him financially. I have a 16 yr old son who is doing great in school and does a lot better all around. Not perfect but he does listen and obey much better. I don't want him influenced by the older one. So it does hurt when my son is mad at me and says really ugly stuff but I know one day he will get it right back with his own child and then he will say he is really sorry to me!

By Jackie McCray
- commented on Sep 16, 2011

020

I agree I have 3 children my oldest son who is 20 is doing well and raising his daughter no disrespect from him. My 19 yr old is very disrespectful and thinks that I should still support him and pay for his cell phone. I try to help him whenever I can but he just says it's not enough. He got in trouble with the law and has 3 yrs corrections and wants me to help with that I told him no and that he needs to find a job and start taking responsibilty for himself. I have a 16 yr old daughter at home who is more mature then both of my boys' and is very respectful . I wish her brother would realize I need to concentrate on her now. I guess it's kind of my fault he is like that I raised them by myself and did everything for them.

I usually listen to the whole situation quietly without interrupting. I then wait until I am asked in one way or another for my input. Most of the time they just want to vent to someone. Now, there are times when they will ask for an opinion and that is when I start by saying this may or may not work for you, and I begin my scenario. If I say something that seems out of line with them I apologize and we go from there.

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By Turah Shaver
- commented on Sep 19, 2011

332

This is my approach and it usually helps, but waiting for the anger to pass is the hardest part!

By Judi Roberts
- Posted on Sep 15, 2011

03

I find at times that I don't always handle "motherhood" well, at least according to my daughters; I certainly try but sometimes when I do share things with my adult children, they are often miscontrued and are taken in the wrong manner. I am learning to pray for them (daily) as well as praying the following verses over myself, "Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips."--Psalms 141:3. I am leaning on Christ to give me discernment and wisdom so when I do open my mouth it would be acceptable to Him and edify my children. I am also learning to be a better listener and try not to jump in and fix everything even if it is just giving advice. I once heard a pastor say, "When you give advice when it hasn't been asked for, it is no longer advice, but just noise."

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By Karen Grandon
- commented on Sep 16, 2011

07

Well said. It hit home for me and I like what you said is scripture based.

By Michelle Gladden
- Posted on Sep 6, 2011

012

I offer my support to my grown Son as an advisor and not as a parent. I try to give him the best advice as possible for the situation. I alway let him know that I Iove him and he knows that he can always talk to me about any thing that may be troubling him without feeling ashame.

6

By Shan Murphy
- commented on Sep 17, 2011

09

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By Ruth Marvin
- Posted on Sep 8, 2011

26

I mainly just listen, let them get things off their chest and out in the open. Other than that, I pray for them, be there for them. I can't fix things for them, but I thank God they all have good heads on their shoulders and once they get things off their chest, they bounce back.

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By Kathy Kohl
- Posted on Sep 13, 2011

46

I have two grown daughters, both now moms, too, who are very different types of people thus my supportiveness is modified accordingly but the main thing is that they know mom is always there for them and willing to give advice as wanted, or to not meddle if that is most desirable to them. It is hard to witness your children going through some of the same traumas and dramas that you went through and not be able to guide them in what would probably have been a more successful way of working through whatever was transpiring back in the day. I know that from my own experiences that nobody could have guided me to make different choices and unfortunately we cannot always guide our own children regardless of their age and maturity level. I think that as long as they know you love them and are always there for them that anything else is sticking your nose in where it just might not be wanted. But if asked ....

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By Kat Drzinski
- Posted on Sep 13, 2011

118

When my daughter's are upset about something, they call me and vent away. I listen to them and advise if they ask for it. What they choose to do with it is their choice. I am there as their friend and confidant as much as I can be. They are both strong young women and have good head's on their shoulders, I reassure them that I am there if they need me and will help as much as I can. Always let them know I am here always and love them always. I try to not interfer with their lives, I give them that respect.

3

By Kathy McConnell
- Posted on Sep 13, 2011

418

tell them you are there if they need you, but don't tell them what they should do or not do unless they ask you, Just let them know you are there for support if they ask you, don't force yourself on them that will only drive them away.

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By Judy Halliday
- commented on Sep 13, 2011

011

This is so very hard for me, because my son doesn't talk to me anymore. I know he wants to "be a man" and "handle it himself" but he hasn't had much of a role model with his father living 3,000 miles away. They used to have a relationship, but when my son started "experimenting" with drugs and got caught, his father told him he was DISOWNED. Now it seems my son has no fear of disappointing anyone cuz he thinks he already has. I try my best to support him by listening to whatever he DOES share with me, and not judging him, because I was unable to share with my mom. It just scares me so much because I KNOW he's most likely going to be arrested or killed if he continues to act without any fears.

By Eugenia Porter
- Posted on Sep 7, 2011

27

With my grown children..I just let them know I love them no matter what and they have my support.When they want to talk I'm there.I give them the advice I think may be right at the ime..whether they take it is totally up to them.

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By juanita skipper
- Posted on Sep 16, 2011

020

I had a bad experience with both of my grown daughters with giving them advice. They both got mad at me and did not speak to me for over a month. I have been really good to them and their children. It really hurt but I prayed about it and now im healed and I no now to keep my opinion to myself and to let go and let God work it out for them and for me.

2

By Sandra Lawson
- commented on Sep 16, 2011

554

that's true they have to work it out by themselves...i've 2 grown daughters too i no how it is I've been thru it before since my girls are grown...

By PAM GRAFFICE
- Posted on Sep 13, 2011

11

First off LISTEN to them. Just sit quietly while they tell you what is on their minds. I always make sure that they know that I love them and that God is always there to talk to. If they ask for advice I try to give it to them but if they just want to talk and get it out I try to just sit and be there for them.

2

By Monica Martinez
- Posted on Sep 13, 2011

42

it depends on what the situation is. I have four children, if one of them is angry over a situation that they cannot control I tell them that there will always be situations in life like this, and that the only thing we can do is move on, or if possible try to change it. If they are mad because of something they did and got caught for it, or hurt another persons feelings for it, I go back to my saying that if you are grown enough to make that choice be grown enough to deal with it. I always tell my children that it is okay to be mad, but they must look at the situation in a way that allows them to deal with it responsibly.

2

By Terry .... Oregon
- Posted on Sep 7, 2011

338

You can listen to what they have to say and try to give them some advice, even if they don't take it.

2

By Me-anne de Leon
- Posted on Sep 18, 2011

27

i tell them to calm down and think things through. by having a clear thought and when emotions subside, then i ask them to address the issue objectively and explore their options. but before i tell them all these things, i listen first before i give advice or not at all. sometimes, all they need is a listening parent to air their frustrations.

1

By Melissa Rafay
- Posted on Sep 15, 2011

020

When my grown children are having a difficult time, I ask them to think about the people they choose to surround themselves with. During their childhood I always encouraged them to surround themselves with others that want to be successful; by those that go about achieving their successes in a positive manner and those that would only choose to be around people that have high expectations for themselves. Once you began weeding out those that lack those characteristics, it is easy to detect where a lot of dessention and drama come from. When life seems to get better, then for the moment, you know that you have removed the source. Readjust and move on toward bigger, better things!

1

By Michele Webster
- Posted on Sep 14, 2011

05

I listen and when I am asked, I try to give the best advice I can give. I try and go back in time and remember any circumstance that I was faced with in my lifetime and compare with the situation that they are up against. Other times when I talk the situation out with them, we can find an answer together. I remind them that God plays a huge role in their lives and to open their eyes and hearts to his answers and have patience. I remind them how everything always worked out when they were younger and we had some really hard times. Everything will always be okay and they will always have me if they need anything.

1

By Nancy Binning
- Posted on Sep 13, 2011

014

Let them know you love them at all times.You are there for them.If they want your help give it . and pray for them all the time. Put them in Gods hands.

1

By Sandra Lawson
- commented on Sep 16, 2011

554

Nancy i agree with u !00% u only can put it in God's Hand .. U can give them good advice if they 'll listen to their parents.. Most of the time they don't want to listen to their parents .. I 've 2 grown girls & 3 gr girls...i no how it is ...

I am trying to learn not to play the enabler role. It is really hard to not take control and handle every problem for them. Nowadays I try to just listen but not offer advise. They probably won't accept your advise anyway. I am trying to back peddle out of my over involvment so they can learn to solve problems themselves.

This is such an important question I am curious of the answers as well

0

By Pamela Flood
- Posted on May 29, 2014

00

What is your adult child is upset with you, won't tell you and tells your grandchildren, who you are very close to, that they won't see you. Both they are I are devasted.

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By Debbie Good
- Posted on Dec 3, 2012

335

My oldest is 31 and he will call me from time to time and ask for advice. I give my opinion and am carefull at wording my responses. I do not critisize his wife ( who I have known since she was 14 she is oldest daughters BFF both are 29) It has take all of them a long time to realize that Hey good ol' mom is pretty wise !!

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By emma charlesworth
- Posted on Sep 25, 2011

010

how do i help my daughter that seems to know it all but keeps getting involved with the wrong people and just stopped listening and talking to me

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By Christina Dolan
- Posted on Sep 18, 2011

00

I never tell my 23 year old daughter how to resolve the issue at hand as she is so strong willed that she will do what she wants anyway. I do give her advice and 2-3 different courses of action and then I let her know I am her prayer support partner and to take her time making the final decision especially if it's a big decision and she has the luxury ot time to decide the final outcome.

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By Loretta Gagnon
- Posted on Sep 18, 2011

05

Listen first, then ask them "Do you need to just vent or do you want my advice?" Most of the time they just want you to listen and they figure it out through processing it aloud. Then, show them empathy, honest to goodness empathy. "I am really sorry you are going through this time." Always encourage them by letting them know that they have what it takes to emotionally tackle life and that you believe in them. Finally, let them know you are praying for them. I try to follow up with a text to let them know I am thinking of them and love them.

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By Ruth Kurzer
- Posted on Sep 16, 2011

225

In the question you said "mad". Then you said "difficult situation". Part of adulthood is owning our anger and learning not to act out of anger. A very wise man said, "Be angry but don't sin." If you can help your child (or anyone) to thnk through the situation and act rationally then you have been a good parent or friend. You can express your love and support without getting into a "poor you" mode that serves no helpful purpose.

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By Arlene Jackson
- Posted on Sep 15, 2011

33

I need help on the same subject can anyone help me out

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By Nancy Pruyne
- Posted on Sep 15, 2011

016

I just tell them I'm there for them & I'm a good listener. If they want my advise, I will tell them what I think, otherwise I don't tell them. I support them in what they do & tell them I love them.

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By Jill Cirricione
- Posted on Sep 14, 2011

914

Give him/her a little space, but tell them you love them and are here to talk about it when they are ready.

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By Dori MCMILLAN
- Posted on Sep 13, 2011

423

I really try to listen them out completely, don't interrupt, stay calm believe it or not they are hoping you will hold together when it's something they know you won't want to hear.Don't get pulled in remember it's their anger speaking. they might not have all the information. It could be a misunderstanding.

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By Vickie Capps
- Posted on Sep 13, 2011

120

I have 3 grown children, 2 sons and a daughter. My daughter is my step daughter actually and I didn't even know her until she was already in her 20's, but I love her and she IS MY DAUGHTER, the mother of my 18 year old granddaughter. I have a problem with her that she calls here crying over every little thing and gets me upset and I am in very bad health and so is my husband. My granddaughter will do the same thing if she is here and something doesn't suit her or is said that she doesn't like she will call her mommy and bother her about it, I tried talking to her and telling her that she is an adult now and mommy isn't always going to be there and she needed to learn to talk to me if she had a problem with me or her grandpa, but her mom got married and was on her honeymoon and the granddaughter couldn't leave her alone.... the other night after they picked her up my daughter called me (I thought this would be over with) wanting to come home, her and my granddaughter...blubbering so that I couldn't hardly understand what her new husband had done wrong.... We live barely month to month because we are both disabled and can't afford to support 2 other people, I didn't actually answer her, we got disconnected somehow but I did call her back and left a message that every married couple has probs and maybe she should give it a chance, if she needed a few days away to come here, but if it came down to it that they could come here and stay... I sure can't have my daughter and granddaughter out in the streets...they neither one have a job and in the small town I live in it is near impossible to find one, they don't have drivers licenses either.

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By Vicki Weida
- commented on Sep 14, 2011

216

Vickie, as you have written this, you are being treated poorly by two women who are immature. You and your husband need to tell your daughter what you need...enough food, peace, positive energy, help around the home when they visit. If you feel unable to speak about how difficult it would be to have them stay with you, could one of your sons speak with her....calmly and kindly. I know the economy is not good, but the two women need to step up and take responsibility for themselves.....and give care to you and your husband. Good luck.

By Vickie Capps
- commented on Sep 14, 2011

120

This is in resonse to Vicki Weida: I have always said I would choose a nursing home b4 I would expect one of my children to take care of me and she always tells me, "Mom, as long as I have anything to do about it you are not going to any nursing home." She has a loving, giving heart, it is just hard sometimes because of the stress and the pain I am in 24/7 stress causes it to worsen. I thank you very much for your support and advice. Thankfully, they found a home with her hubby in another state, they are moving about 3 hours away. She said she will come back for a weekend and give her dad a respite from taking care of me. He needs it badly. I just can't handle the crying and stuff. She use to do it a lot and I am afraid my granddaughter is going to be the same way toward her all her life, she won't grow up. My daughter lost her mother when she was around 14, so I have been her mom longer than her bio mom was alive in her life to raise her and I have tried to guide her the best I could but of course she was already grown with a 4 year old daughter, so she is my daughter and that 4 year old is now my 18 year old granddaughter, and I do worry about them. I thought this man was going to make the difference, I hope and pray he does. I am just mainly concerned about what my granddaughter will do if (Heaven forbid) something were to happen to her mother.

I just let them know how much I love them and let them know that I am there for them no matter what. I don't pry until they are ready to share or ask for help, but I just keep showering them with love and understanding.

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By Sheila Rials
- Posted on Sep 9, 2011

25

My husband keeps in touch often with our sons. I think that helps so that when they want to talk they know he will listen. My youngest son opens up more to me and the older one to my husband. We use SKYPE so we can see each other. We live in Belgium and they live in other countries so it really helps. But i agree with the other comments that all we can do is listen and give advice when asked and it is hard.

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By Mae Simpson
- commented on Sep 15, 2011

017

I have a 16 year old son whom will not listen anymore andhates school. He has never adapted since kindergarten..We have homeschooled for several years due to sickness and he has since decided to just quit and get a GED later and go on back to either the service or some training at an Ittt college...I am driving myself crazy. and feel like a horrible mom for not making him go but I know he cant cope and I hate it he isnt moving forth at this time and am afraid he will do crazy things and get into triouble. He has quit going to church and only goes if it benefits him....I just want to fix this and cant. I am afraid to let the school system and courts step in. he dont deserve juvinile hall or a out of town jail for teenageres that are problems to society. He does need insurance when he is of ageg because he is sick and needs treated and if he dont go through school or to college to get a good job with benefits this want be possible and God only knows what will happen then. I know he will continue to brreak my heart. and I jsut pray someday things are normal again and he is functioning in society as norm does well for himself. Any suggestions.....that I havent tried.
maesimpson42@yahoo.com

By Sheila Rials
- commented on Sep 15, 2011

25

It sounds like you are doing all you can. I felt like a terrible mom with my oldest because he would not do his homeschooling. We had a terrible relationship. He had a really boring math program. We ended up letting him do his homeschooling in Russian school with another American boy. He liked doing things with the other kids. I just want you to know that he is now in the Air Force and even aced some math tests in order to be in the computer repair group.
Sometimes it just takes time for them to mature and I heard that this generation takes even longer. I don't know if you are a Christian but I think it takes the grace of God to get through this. :)

By judy striegel
- commented on Sep 15, 2011

36

First I listen,then they ask for advice .I give it ,they usually listen.My son is 48 been married 1st time 3 yrs ago,hes learning he must first get respect from step kids,an then give them advice ,living with him an wife is her 21 yr old.At times hes hateful to mom an I told my son thats disrespectful,you are paying the house pymt food,utilities an more you must tell him as I would of you,have respect for your mom or pack your belongings an move on. My daughter has bio=polar shes 44,her meds are making her at the point where she cannot make a decision with her life,believe me this is hard on her an me.Ive mentioned she needs to see diff Dr. for diff meds this really upsets her.So now I sit back an let her take a step at a time,to find her self,she cries a lot her father committed suicide 2 yrs ago.my ex.her bro died at 19 from brain cancer,shes went through 2 divorces,its hard to sit back an see her not being able to make decisions,but for now I am an see her every day.Only give advice if they ask.

By Tamara Lockley
- commented on Sep 16, 2011

145

Wow, this has been a much needed topic for me this morning. I have two adult kids, son 19, and a daughter will be 25 next month and she's pregnant with my first grandchild. Both of them are home, neither one does around the house the way I would want. My son works but comes up short and just want to look good, go to the mall, run the streets with the boys, he was in barber school but quit. I am tired of him not looking for a better life and coming up short with his share from work. My daughter finished college but doesn't have a job and she depends and or loves her boyfriend more than anything. Let me tell it he's pretty dead beat right now, painting occasionally, I am just worried about my kids future. And most importantly I love them but most times I wish they were out on their own, am I selfish? do I deserve to feel like this they are being enabled? Please help...

By Bea Greer
- commented on Sep 16, 2011

218

One of my sons went thru a divorce. Lost his two sons and two step daughters!! He was living @ home while looking 4 a job. After a short time he just changed yelled, swore, & threatened me. I ended up in court kicking him out. Not knowing where he was for almost 3 yrs was HELL, then I just happen 2 see him on the street. After the 3 yrs was up he came back home but he has been here for almost 3 hrs and unemployed & at times almost back to where we were in the beginning.His sons do get to come for a visit yearly.Did it help letting him come home? NO!!!!