HOW TO SPOT & ELIMINATE TOXIC FRIENDSHIPS FROM YOUR LIFE, FOREVER!

Wednesday, 16 August 2017

I LOVE my social life and my friends, there's no doubt about that, but I have been in some of the most toxic friendships you could ever imagine. As someone who is open minded, honest & loyal, I find it extremely easy to make friends and even though those qualities in me are what attracts them, that doesn't immediately mean that they offer me the same.

I feel like I do need a lot from my friendships, I have never had a strong family unit to fall back onto, apart from my little sister, and she is my best friend of all. I have always tried to surround myself with strong friendships to compensate for what I lacked in family. I lean on and depend on my friends maybe more than I should, I depend on them to be as loyal and as honest with me as I am with them, which almost always won't be the case.

Another thing I have learnt over the years, is that not every friendship is forever. We are constantly evolving, growing and experiencing new things. Some people are there for the roller coaster, some people are there for the plain sailing but very rarely are people there for the long haul. There are many people who have been in my life that I will try to hold onto, because for a moment they were there for me, in reality you've grown apart for whatever reason and the only way to move forward is to stop looking back on things, something I find really hard to do.

I am literally a friendship hoarder, I am that person who holds onto people like a Christmas card from 2005. I forget that people change, and I tell myself that I have to fix whatever went wrong between us, Justin is always saying to me why are you trying so hard to dig up something that died like half a decade ago? I can't explain why I do it, I just remember the fun and happiness that person brought to my life and forget all the things they did to me to hurt me and ultimately, made us drift apart.

I would say I have 6 friendships in my life right now that I feel I get what I deserve from. I would say I have another 4 or 5 friendships that are not toxic but they either have the potential to be or I just don't feel like they're mutually considerate to my needs from a friend.

I don't do toxic friendships anymore, in the past I have put up with it to save an argument or with my hoarding tendencies held onto them because although they were being a total dickhead now, for a moment they were one of my best friends. I just don't have the time for it anymore, I simply spend my precious time on people who love me, appreciate me and know me.

So, here are my top tips on how to spot & when to eliminate friendships that are toxic...

1. Bringing you down, to bring themselves up...

Someone who makes fun of you for laughs from everybody else.
Someone who insults you or your appearance for absolutely no reason at all.
Someone who tries to openly embarrass you in front of a group of people.
Someone who constantly brings up mistakes you have made.

2. Expecting you to do for them what they wouldn't do for you...
People who expect you to do something for them but wouldn't do the same for you are the most frustrating and it is so disheartening to strike up a friendship with someone who doesn't mutually invest themselves into your friendship. These ones I find the easiest to just float away from, they're the ones who are always too busy for you, and you're always the one initiating plans with them. All I can say for this one, is find people worth investing your time in and stop wasting your time on those who don't reciprocate.

3. Talking about you, not to you

Something I struggle to tolerate, is talking shit about me behind my back. Like I have said before, I am a very open & honest friend, I would like to think that if someone had a problem with me or what I have said, they would tell me. THIS NEVER HAPPENS. It's one of the things that I can't get over in a friendship is discovering that a friend has talked shit about me, but pretending like nothing is wrong to my face. That behaviour is shady and it's toxic. There's a difference between talking about something that is frustrating you with a friend, but there is a difference when you're talking shit about them just for the sake of talking shit.

4. Showing no interest in your life...
This is probably the most hurtful one for me, people who are your friend but don't show any interest in your life at all. I have people in my life that I party with and that's it. I wouldn't call them friends because they've never been to my house, they've never interacted with my two children or fiance. They show no interest in your careers, your goals and what you want in your future.

5. They discredit you...

I have had so many friendships with people who can't stand to see me achieve something, and try to compete with me. I still have one friendship now that relates to this, not always, but sometimes they will discredit something I have done that betters my life or makes me happy and that kind of behaviour is never okay.

So how do you eliminate toxic friendships?
It seems easier said than done, but really it's not.
Friendships are at so many different levels and from personal experience, I have lost people who in reality were acquaintances, and I have lost people who were a huge part of particular parts of my life, as you can imagine one of those kinds of friendships was easier to eliminate than the other.
The first thing I would do is weigh up whether I value this person enough to try to resolve it, you know are they really someone who adds enough value to your life for you to overlook some of the toxic qualities they possess?
The second thing I would do, if you haven't already cut them off like a split end, is arranging to meet and talk it out, face to face. Never, ever have this conversation over WhatsApp, because I don't believe you can really hear or analyse what they have to say. You can't read their tone or their consideration for how you feel. Their body language will say everything you need to know, even if they are disagreeing with what you are saying, you will be able to see if they're open to what you are saying or not committed to resolving the situation at all.
The third thing I would do, if you genuinely don't want to lose this person in your life, is to give them the opportunity to change their behaviour towards you and to consider your feelings more. If after a while they slip back into their old ways, then you know what you need to do. Almost everybody deserves a second chance, but very few deserve a third.

I hope you have found this post helpful or just a good read.
I always get lots of messages from you when I write a personal experience post and if you would like to do the same, just find me on social media. I would love to hear from you and I would love to hear your stories on your toxic friendships.
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