Fifty Shades of ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’

Fifty Shades of ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’

Can someone, anyone at all, please explain to me what is with this cult following? … And YES, before you ask, I did read the book a few years ago during its prime, solely at the request of a friend and in my defense under the belief it was an autobiography about sunglasses; however, apparently unlike the majority, I definitely did not find it to be a Pulitzer candidate, and I also found it to be awfully degrading to women and otherwise boring … and with the same shame I carry over my contribution to Aqua Net, Parachute pants and florescent rubber jewelry, I buried it in my past with the hopes it too would one day be removed completely from my memory … well that no longer seems plausible with its current resurrection in the form of a full length feature and the 50 shades of intrusive, yet labeled ‘exclusive’, promos which I’ve already unwilling seen a half a dozen times that I’m starting to feel like I’m having coffee with Bill Cosby … and with that release date anticipation comes the reawakening of the hype and the parade of ‘make it or break it’ reviews, one of which boasted ‘that part of the appeal is that this phenomenon has become the sexual awakening for masses of middle aged women’… I couldn’t believe what I was reading, that can’t actually be the case, can it be in 2015? As a modern woman who was conceived during the sexual revolution I refused to believe that to be a truthful statement … but hypothetically, what if I was in denial and that was indeed factual, what does it say about the decades of sexual relations one can assume ‘the newly awakened’ were having before this book was published, nothing orgasmic I’m guessing … still perplexed by my recently new enlightenment, I mentioned my findings to a friend of mine that is also 46, who has neither read the book or is on Facebook, and she shared with me that until her third marriage two years ago, she had never experienced the big ‘O’, with a partner or otherwise, and never watched Oprah either… I thought this must be what it feels like to find out Santa isn’t real, she’s fucking lying to me; I mean here in front of me sat a beautiful brilliant mother of two that has obviously voluntarily partaken in sex with at least 2 other partners but solely without the pleasure and definitely with the pain of child birth, how can that be … nothing made sense to me anymore, what I first believed must be an issue plaguing overweight, homely Midwest women I didn’t know, has now sprung up in the mattresses of people I know; this my fabulous fellow females is an epidemic that no one is talking about, but why is no one talking about this, fuck that, screaming about this disparity, it’s not like there’s much of a reason to scream about anything else I’m learning … the more I thought about it the more I didn’t understand, shit women yell about dirty dishes, pee on toilet seats and bad service, well in most areas apparently, but this women are taking laying down … and when it comes to discrimination, women shout about that too from the top of the corporate ladder; inequality when it comes to the pay scale in the workforce, hey I’m no politician but I find that very easy to resolve: all women unitedly go on strike for an entire 24 hour period, trust me ladies, problem solved … and the top of a wedding cake when it comes to Gay/Lesbian Marriage inequality, again, as equally easy to fix: all opposers need to go up to a gay family member or friend, look them straight in the eye and repeat the phrase ‘My family and happiness is much more meaningful than yours’, if they cannot complete that simple sentence, then they must vote in support of gay marriage … with those issues finally resolved, that gives women less to scream about and more time to focus on fighting to give women more to scream about; so put down those fantasy books and join the reality of ending Orgasm Inequality!