TO ELLAND BACK

Sometimes you just have to sit back and admire the football manager’s ability to ignore the bleedin’ obvious. It is one of the trademark skills of the profession. They may not be able to get the best out of their players. They may not be able to come up with a tactical plan to flummox opponents. They may not be able to inspire great loyalty in the dressing room or on the terraces. But when it comes to turning a blind eye to whatever disastrous situation they find themselves in, there’s no one better. When the sun finally swells into a red giant, evaporating the earth’s oceans, turning its rocks back into molten lava and ending the prospect of any life ever existing on the planet ever again, among the last surviving humans will be a colony of football managers, each convinced that they “only need one or two additions” to ensure survival.

Proving himself a fine proponent of the art today was Nasty Leeds manager Dave Hockaday, who since the 4-1 defeat to Watford on Saturday has had all the life expectancy of a custard cream in a freshly made cup of tea. On Saturday evening the club’s owner, Massimo Cellino, was not just thinking about sacking him, but had actually decided to sack him. But on Sunday the Italian had a change of heart. “I decided to sack him. I said ‘he’s finished,” he told the local press. “But I learned a long time ago to wait on a decision for 24 hours … If I fire the coach I should fire myself because I haven’t signed enough good players. How can that be his fault.” And just to put the tin lid on the vote of confidence, Cellino added: “Maybe he’s not a good coach but I can’t say yet.”

Despite his reprieve it’s clear that Hockaday is operating with the sword of Damocles not so much hanging above his head, as jabbing into his buttocks. Yet the United manager was in optimistic mood today. “”I can’t even comment on things I have read, what people have said or reportedly said. I had a calm, two-hour conversation with the president on Sunday, we spoke about the game, the defining moment of the game,” he ostriched. “We talked through players needed and everything and so it wasn’t even addressed. It is what it is, I’m here, coaching, I love my role, my players and I am getting a lot out of them.”

Players needed? Since Hockaday’s appointment 68 days ago Nasty Leeds have signed Stuart Taylor from Reading, Marco Silvestri from Chievo, Tommaso Bianchi from Sassuolo, Souleymane Doukara from Catania, Gaetano Berardi from Sampdoria, Zan Benedicic from Milan, Nicky Ajose from Peterborough, Liam Cooper from Chesterfield, Giuseppe Bellusci from Catania, Billy Sharp from Southampton, Mirco Antenucci from Ternana, Casper Sloth from Aarhus – 12 players in all. Or, if you prefer, a player every 5.6 days of Hockaday’s time at the club.

“I’m invincible! The black knight always triumphs. Have at you! Come on then!”

Perhaps, rather than more players, what Hockaday actually needs is time to mould the ones he already has into a coherent side. But with Cellino – a man who went through 36 managers in 20 years at Cagliari, including hiring and firing Davide Ballardini three times in seven years, and one, Ivo Pulga, three times in two years – in possession of one of the itchiest trigger fingers in football he almost certainly won’t get the chance. If he sees out much more than the month it would be a surprise. Should he get to the end of the year: a triumph. The season? A miracle. Hockaday, though, has other ideas.

“When I have a conversation with the president and we talk about the club and the way forward and getting players in, that makes me happy,” he said. “It shows me there’s a future for everybody. It shows me that the president, however he is portrayed, is unbelievably passionate about this football club. I am not just saying it, I mean it. This guy wants [Nasty] Leeds to be in [Big Cup], he does. I believe over time that will happen. I think it’s inevitable. The timescale I don’t know, I want to be part of that journey, a big part of that journey.”

Some things are inevitable – death, taxes, toast landing marmalade-side-down – Nasty Leeds’s return to Big Cup isn’t. And the fear for Hockaday is that the only part he’ll play in whatever journey Nasty Leeds are on will be that of the first manager to be squashed under the Cellino steamroller. Still, at least he’ll be able to say he didn’t see it coming.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Stevie P is going to miss the game at the weekend. He is the one that is going to take a little bit of time” – you might think Everton boss Roberto Martínez calls Steven Pienaar ‘Steven’. But then you would be wrong.

A BIGGER PLUG THAN THE ONE FROM THE BFG’S BATH

FIVER LETTERS

“Any chances of some prizes again soon? I know they aren’t ever prizes that anyone wants, and you only give things away that can’t be shifted for love nor money, but I’d much rather win a copy of Jacob Steinberg’s Carlton Cole biography than win a prizeless letter o’the day” – Daniel Rice [anyone? – pleading Fiver Ed].

“Regarding Malky Mackay et al (Friday’s Fiver). I generally hold that people should not be professionally accountable for personal issues (or correspondence), unless it can be shown to have an effect on their professional conduct – how, for example, has Mackay treated foreign players, black players? Female employees at Cardiff City? The most likely truth is, as many are acknowledging (see the excellent article by the Secret Footballer), that such ‘banter’ is endemic in football clubs (as in almost any cabal of exclusively young men, I’d guess) – it’s a juvenile attempt at showing off, at humour (and it’s worth stating that the humour in such messages is possibly based on their inappropriate nature; they are funny because everyone recognises them as completely inappropriate, which is not really an excuse of any kind). Whether or not Mackay’s career suffers terminal failure due to this episode (which I hope it won’t), I’m delighted that it has happened. Hopefully this might lead to a very bright light being shone on the entire culture and acceptance of it within the football world, of which the former Cardiff manager is only one tiny piece. Hopefully this professional industry can be rid of such attitudes, and everyone who involves themselves shown that it is inappropriate, full stop. PS: apologies for the serious email. Pedantry, puns, etc” – Keith Hennigan.

“As one who shuns nostalgia, believing that things are better than they used to be; no Berlin Wall, apartheid, nor leotards as daywear*, I still found myself pining for a bit of 1980s this weekend. The spangle of twee Scottish pop bands, a world where only 1,057 of us had email, and when ‘friendly banter’ simply meant battering the cr@p out of opposing fans, and turning major transport hubs into terrifying combat zones. Glory days” – Dan Johnson (*not in my Android OED, but ‘nightwear’ is. Go figure).

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BITS AND BOBS

Feel free to consign the words ‘England’s Frank Lampard’ to the history books. Go on, feel the liberation! Anyway, Lampard has quit international football. “I feel very confident that, with [Mr Roy] in charge, the young players that we have coming through and the changes that are being made throughout the development of the youth system in this country, we will have success in the future and a team that this country deserves,” he honked.

Fashion’s Gabor Kiraly is set to bring his unique brand of below-the-belt kit back to English football after moving from 1860 Munich to Fulham.

Arsenal are resigned to losing Olivier Giroud to long-term ankle-knack after sending him off to see a specialist. “It’s sad for us,” wibbled Arsène Wenger as a waving Lukas Podolski tried to catch his eye.

Man City boss Manuel Pellegrini has previous for displaying his unique brand of mathematical acumen, and he’s at it again after the 3-1 win over Liverpool. “For me these are games of six points,” he cheered.

Liverpool defender and walking tattoo Daniel Agger says his future remains uncertain with less than a week remaining of the transfer window. “Brendan Rodgers and I talk with honesty to each other but the last thing I will ever do is stand and whine in front of someone,” he parped. “Especially when it comes to football, because in football there is nothing to whine about.”

Algerian club JS Kabylie have been banned from using their stadium after one of their players was killed during a game on Saturday by an object thrown by fans.

STILL WANT MORE?

Championship Manager favourite Tommy Svindal Larsen has his say on Norwegian sensation Martin Odegaard in Marcus Christenson’s profile on the 15-year-old: “We have to remember that there is a completely different level abroad. There are a lot of young players who have gone and come home with skjegget i postkassen [their beards in the letter box].”