Musings From A Musical Mind

Archive for the ‘sharing’ Category

I was watching a Joyce Meyer video teaching this morning during my morning devotional time – as is my custom the last couple of months. She is direct and motivating in her teaching style – and I appreciate that she speaks from a place of personal pain and victory – mistakes and repentance – experience and transparency. She is quick to say how far gone she would be without the grace of God – His love and mercy.

Today she was talking about being ‘good to yourself’, getting enough rest, not overdoing, finding balance. And appreciating those in her life that give her the freedom to be herself.

She told of how she has that kind of relationship with her own daughter, the two of them can have something planned – but if she has to cancel or just simply doesn’t feel right about it – or just doesn’t want to do it – there are no questions. Her daughter just says, “fine – no problem, whatever you want to do”.

What freedom to have people in your life where you don’t have to explain yourself – you can just do or not do. Sometimes we take this for granted – this is a HUGE thing. Acceptance, no questions – just freedom to be me. How rare a gift this is!

Life and people can bring expectations. Unspoken (and sometimes spoken) list of expectations as to behavior, protocol and proper procedure. Sometimes those that place those spoken and unspoken “rules” on us – are coming from their own place of insecurity, lack of information and fear of losing control. We tense up or “clam up” when around them. And whether real or imagined – it seems real to us.

I love that God does not place any “expectations” on us. He is not just some ‘big giant in the sky’ – or mean father above ready to pounce on us when we mess up. He waits for us, like a gentleman. He comes in love. He pursues us at our own pace – because He knows us.

There is no one that knows me like He does – and because He knows me, He also knows what motivates me. He is an expert on me. He wrote the “Master’s Class on Cindy”. Even the closest people in my life have messed up in this area – because of their own personal perspective and agenda – but GOD never does. He treats me the same – loves no matter what – and gives me freedom to be me.

I’m glad to have a heavenly father who is easy to be around – peaceful and easy. I do not fear that I cannot talk to Him about the things on my mind – my concerns and pain – my little funny quirks and thought patterns. He knows it all – understands and still allows me to be me.

Even if you are not lucky enough to have people in your life that allow you this freedom (I am lucky, I have several) I am hoping you will allow the love of God to invade your chaos, your feeling that “nobody gets me” – or “nobody really understands me” and release that to the one who made you. What you will find is one who knows you best and loves you most. He wants you to experience that freedom. That freedom that comes from being uniquely you.

Driving to Seattle on a clear day is very revealing. It shows me what I’ve been missing all the other days of the year. The things that are there, yet hidden. The Cascade Mountains, for one. Suddenly I’m aware that my world isn’t so small after all – and just beyond my ability to perceive them lies untold beauty.

Views of Gas Works Park and Lake Union facing towards the North East from Queen Anne, Seattle WA. The Lake Washington Ship Canal Bridge is in the background with a backdrop of the University of Washington and the Cascade Mountains. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

How many times are we like a cloudy, rainy day in our thoughts – going along through the day with all the correct motions and intentions, and yet perceiving our world as much smaller than it really is.

I was challenged to take a lesson from nature – open up my eyes and LOOK around me – for things I cannot see with my natural limited senses. I want to reach far beyond the box of “normal” and see with God eyes all the beauty I’m missing.

I thought of the song “On a clear day you can see forever” and was reminded that it is clearness in both our eyes and thoughts that can give us that unique perspective on things around us. And I want to always remember what is invisible when the storms of life close in on me and I cannot see.

Dear Lord – help me to hang on to that clear vision from those clear days – and to use it when those tough times close in around me.

When was the last time you saw things with “clear vision”?

I heard the following song on Spotify today from a local Seattle band – and have been writing this article with this tune in my head.

Enjoy and God Bless

Tell me somethin’, give me hope for the night
We don’t know how we feel
We’re just prayin’ that we’re doin’ this right
Though that’s not the way it seems

Summer gone, now winter’s on its way
I will miss the days we had
The days we had
I will miss the days we had
The days we had
Oh, I’ll miss the days we had

Loving, leaving, it’s too late for this now
Such esteem for each has gone
Has time driven our season away?
Cause that’s the way it seems
In the world of the speech that is new
I’ll be back again to stay
Again to stay
I’ll be back again to stay
Again to stay
I’ll be back again to stay

These are all “catch phrases” that we toss around today. And it’s especially popular to hear this among Christian pastors and leaders. But how many really are?

Our pastor led the way last Sunday morning, for it to be okay to be “real” and share with us an area that he has been struggling with. It was honest and had no pretense. He was just a human being with needs and struggles like the rest of us – he experiences good times and bad, highs and lows. It was the first really honest moment I’ve witnessed from the pulpit in a long time – if ever.

Now that being said, there are some that would disagree with this approach. In fact my husband and I were both raised in an era where the pastor (or leader) had to be above reproach and almost ghost-like in perfection. That was of course, because he (or she) would never allow anyone into their world and all that was personal was highly protected. It seemed that the worst thing they could do was to let people really know who they were. The thought being, “They cannot lead others if they admit they don’t have it all together”.

Those of us from my generation and older – bought into this. We believed you couldn’t have close friends in ministry – believed that others did not want a flawed leader – believed that showing anything less than the perfect role model – would hinder the testimony of Christ. This caused a false sense of security for others trying to live up to that standard. And much guilt on the part of the minister and his family.

We discussed this dilemma much in our small group last night. All of us were there last Sunday morning to witness the beautiful worship service – and Stephen’s willingness to “go there” – for the sake of being truly authentic. And gave permission for everyone to feel the same – reach out and know that there are others that feel the same way. It was really beautiful.

As we talked about it in our group, I was very aware of the balance between “sharing” and “sharing too much”. Who can we really be that “real” with? Is it important to let people know what you’ve come from – how you handled it and how God has worked in your life? Or is it better to just talk about surface issues and keep it light?

I know it’s a touchy subject and although some, like me – are grateful for this new freedom in sharing – I know that there are some that simply don’t feel comfortable sharing – or having others share with them. It is a risk, and certainly some will even look differently at you when you open your heart. But in light of all these things – I still choose to be a more authentic me.

Here’s why.

I am not perfect.

I struggle with thoughts.

I am selfish by nature.

I like to be right.

I like to have the last word.

I don’t have it all together.

Three years ago I went through a traumatic experience of the heart and emotions. I started writing a blog to express things I was unhappy about and things I hoped to change. I went on a journey both spiritually and emotionally and my writing was a vehicle of healing for me. I tried to be authentic about the way I was feeling. I knew it would be criticized, as a former pastor’s wife – we aren’t allowed to be sad or struggling – but I plodded along anyway. The benefit was two-fold:

1. Others read my writings and daily personal thoughts, as I searched for answers and hung on to the fact that in spite of pain – God is still good. I connected with many people who would either comment – or privately contact me on Facebook or by email – telling me how helpful and encouraging my writings were and are to them. Being authentic had a purpose after all – to others who are struggling, questioning and hurting. It provided a vehicle for them to share – and know for sure that they weren’t alone.

2. It helped me personally. My empathy and sensitivity grew with my writing journey. Things I had no patience with before – I found compassion and understanding. I found others who struggled and needed a friend to lend a hand. While helping, coaching and counseling with others – I’ve found a new purpose for things I was allowed to go through. And the friendships were and are numerous.

But there is a down-side. There always is. I have been burned by sharing myself. It’s made me more cautious – and I question things more. I wish I did not. I wish that I still believed that everyone had my best interest in mind – but now I question that too. It doesn’t entirely stop me – but it has changed me. Anytime someone doesn’t understand us or does not validate us in some way – it is very hard.

But I still choose to be a more authentic me. I choose to take the gifts and blessings God has given me – and reach out to those who need that extra help, support and love. I choose to learn from the painful, dry and empty times along my journey – and share with others what I’ve learned – how God has helped me and most of all – how it’s NOT fatal to go through times of failure, uncertainty and darkness. It’s been in those times that my heart was much more open to hearing what God was telling me. And the biggest blessings came when God didn’t answer me at all, instead gave me the tools to find joy again – by writing and opening my heart.

I encourage you today – it’s a scary thing to open up and share, but find someone youtrust and have a heart-to-heart with them today. You may find that the person you’re opening up to – will do the same and there will be strength and blessing in your authenticity. Even if you’ve been hurt before – you need to trust again.

Have you ever had a truly authentic moment? This last year? This last week? How did others around you respond?

Today we mourn the passing of a be…loved old friend, Common Sense , who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
– Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
– Why the early bird gets the worm;
– Life isn’t always fair;
– and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I’m A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

This poor ignored elephant – one that used to be rather small – but because everybody refuses to acknowledge her presence – she has become rather LARGE! You see – she has an inferiority complex. A Big one. And she drowns her sorrow and disappointment in eating anything she can get her hands on. And because people would rather walk around her – even tiptoe lightly – she has to try to stay invisible in the center of the room – and not trip anybody up. Oh she has tried to get everyone’s attention at times. She even tries different colors to wear so she’ll stick out more and be noticed. I’ve even seen her painting her toe nails red – and then waving her hands and feet wildly in the air – but to no avail. She even waved and winked at me one time too – I’m sure of it. I just shook my head and smiled. I mean – really – what else could I do? She’s an elephant.

Poor, poor elephant.

I’m waiting for the day – when someone can’t take it anymore and jumps up and says, “Hey!!! There’s a LARGE elephant in here! Do you see her?” But until that day….

We avoid

We run and hide

We tell jokes

We tell stories

and….

We change the subject.

No one likes an elephant – especially a LARGE one with brightly colored clothes and painted red toenails, Right? This elephant could change everything forever. And no one will speak up. No one will take the risk. Better to ignore and pretend….

Today I was reading an article on relationships written by former student,Thomas Reinhard. Finally, a young person who really GETS IT!! I’m always happy to discover that good relationships – and unfortunately bad ones – are not gender sensitive – nor do they have time restraints and age requirements. It seems to have very little to do with how long a person has been around – or has ‘matured’ – and sometimes has very little to do with a person’s upbringing and role-modeling. It is something more. It takes effort and energy to treat people right. The verse in scripture about loving God and loving your neighbor as yourself – seems so simple, right? But at times it is not. It takes massive amounts of time and energy to do the thing right.

Loving God seems simple. But when I know the heart of God – I realize there is nothing simple about this. He demands all of me – all the time. Heart, mind and spirit – that’s all of me. This takes effort and concentration to do this – to be in prayer and constant communication with Him. He is relational. He wants our time – He wants all of us. On the other hand – He is also a gentleman who will not force us to spend time with Him. He will wait for us to get it right – and be silent while we go off pursuing the things we pursue. It is easy to ignore and go our way – pushing Him to the side – because He will wait for us – as long as it takes.

People in our lives are not so patient. Ever try having a friendship with someone who doesn’t want one with you? It’s a near impossible task. And those that do – it requires our time and energy. When we invest time and energy in developing a relationship with others – there is an unspoken expectation that they will do the same for us. Friendship at its very best – when working right – is reciprocal. I wrote an article about this a few weeks back – and it had some interesting comments from those – who get this and understand it. There are so many people who are hurt from those they felt they actually did at one time have that kind of reciprocal relationship – only to find out after time or circumstances – that they did not.

For me my relationships are a central part of my life – my relationship with God – and then the many others that circle around my life – encouraging me and being a part of my daily life – respecting me as a person and loving me just as I am. The best relationships for me allow me this freedom of being me – they are always around – they do not pick at me for the way I am – or wonder at my presence or motives – and I do not question their motives or presence in my life. I do not have to wonder where they are – or why they do the things they do – why they are there one minute – and then gone the next. A true friend stays – and you do not have to wonder where they are. If you have to make excuses for behavior – it is not reciprocal – it’s wishful thinking.

Before you have this kind of relationship – whether it’s with men or woman – you have to ask yourself this question: Can I accept the bad with the good? No one is perfect – and most of us are capable of many mistakes when it comes to friendship. But sometimes we expect too much from a friend – and when they are unable to deliver we are disillusioned and depressed. Some people simply do not handle stress or process situations in their lives in the same way as we do. And growing and learning is a part of the journey.

There are four basic personality types – I know and have observed these different personalities all my life – and have friendships with all four of these types of people. It is important to understand how people think and process – and to know how your friends think – so you can understand their actions – and love them better. I am a combination of a couple of these – and most people do not fall into just one category – which ones are you?

The ‘Melancholy’ tends to feel everything very deeply. Usually an introvert – but not always. They are sensitive and usually have a wide and wonderful gift of humor that is unique to them. The ‘highs’ tend to be very high – the ‘lows’ very low – and no one can be in a ‘hole’ longer and deeper than the melancholy. I have many friends that fall into this category – and they are the most wonderful friends in the world – they feel with you – they understand and communicate in a way no one else can – and they are deeply sensitive and complicated. But in this complicated deep sensitivity they can also seem distant and removed – when encountering too much stress and personal stimulation. It is best to back away and give them time to recover – to leave them alone and let them process. A true friend of the melancholy understands this – but it can be a little frustrating. A true melancholy wants people in their life to understand them – the biggest fear is that no one will.

The “Choleric” person is pretty black and white – in every area of life – and especially regarding relationships. Usually an extrovert – but not always. They have a few close friends and tend to be suspicious of everyone else that comes into their world. They are the natural-born ‘leaders’ and most pastors and speakers are ‘Choleric’ – because they can wade through the emotions and pull things and people together sometimes without regard to people and their feelings – but at least the job gets done! They are extremely witty and can articulate beautifully! I have a few friends that fall into this area – and can truly say that when you gain the trust and relationship of a ‘Choleric’ – you have a friend for life – they are very loyal. They are also great at giving advice and counsel because they can see things in a very unique way and have a true and trusted track record. Their biggest fear is being taken advantage of – so you need to make very sure that when you begin a friendship with them that it is not misinterpreted.

The “Phlegmatic” is the easy-going person – who does not prefer to be in the spot light – but likes to work alone and let others be up in front of people. Usually an introvert – but not always. This person can be the little ‘worker bee’ behind the scenes – does not like confrontations or disagreements – and will generally be very pleasant – if not shy and a little backward in social settings. I have a few of these friends and they are wonderful people – gracious and unassuming. This is the most subtle of the personalities and can easily be ignored or forgotten – and they will not generally ‘rock the boat’ for attention – or to be noticed. These people are also very loyal to their friendships – although they are picky about their relationships as they tend to be hurt a lot. And you must earn trust with them. The biggest fear: someone will hurt me again.I will be alone.

The “Sanguine‘ personality is usually very comfortable in a crowd – and can be the ‘life of the party’ because they are easy with people and usually very witty. Usually an extrovert – but not always – the sanguine has a unique way of viewing life. This personality has the ability to see everything and everybody as good, honest, kind and respectable. Even when they are not. This personality is usually the performer, artist, musician or teacher – because they are good with people. They tend to be very even in temperament – and are ‘people magnets’ because of their ability to accept and embrace others without question. This naivety can also get the sanguine into trouble – but they still believe the best in people. The ‘melancholy’ personality loves the sanguine because they feel better about themselves when they are with this sunny disposition – and they draw strength and encouragement from this approach to life. The sanguine LOVES a project – and loves to ‘fix’ or help people. If the relationships aren’t right in the sanguine’s world – nothing is right. They are also very sensitive and take things very personally when something happens in the relationship – or there’s a lack of communication or understanding. Biggest fear: Being misunderstood.

Years ago I remember a friend and fellow colleague (a phlegmatic) needed to address her boss (a choleric) and she was give the advice – “walk around in that personality and approach it like you know they would” So she did! And she had amazing results – talking straight – talking black and white with no innuendos or subtle suggestions – the language that the choleric could really understand – and she won him over! I believe that if we also take this advice and know how to respond in our relationships to each other – based on what they can hear and understand – we will have better long-lasting friendships and relationships in our lives. The next time you don’t understand something – try looking at what their main personality looks like and walk around in their shoes. Try it! You’ll see results! And you will understand them better in the end.

I recently ran across this article from my new blogging buddy Elizabeth Esther. She explains how her daughter wanted to jump into their pool with her dance recital outfit on – to know what it would feel like to ‘fly’ with it on. It’s a sweet story complete with a picture of her ‘in flight’ after Elizabeth finally relented to letting her daughter ruin her outfit for that ‘thrill’ of flying through the air.

Absurd? Impracticable? Foolishly frivolous? Yes. All of these – and more.

A chance to ‘let go’ – to ‘run with reckless abandon’ and do something spontaneous – just because.

We lose this ability as we mature. We become responsible and (gasp!) practical. We think in terms of conserving and ‘pulling in’ – often times squelching any creativity or spontaneity. Because we are grown up and have to act responsibly – I mean if we don’t – WHO WILL? Right?

Do you remember a time when you ran through the sprinklers in your yard (or someone else’s) and got soaking wet? Even your hair? And it felt SO GOOD, didn’t it? Just kicked off your shoes and ran through!

How about the time you risked your life swinging on a rope swing? The kind that was on its last few precious strands of rope weeks before and everyone that was swinging on it – you just knew they were on borrowed time?

When was the last time you had a popsicle? The kind you used to get when you heard the ice cream man coming? My favorites were banana and root beer. How about a slurpee? When was the last time? They’re not just for kids you know 🙂

We grow up and get ‘careful’. And not just ‘careful’ – but ‘cautious’. Life becomes so serious to us – and granted – there is much to be serious about. There are bills to be paid – and family situations – but there is also a mind-set that creeps in – if we’re not careful. The mind-set that fun is for the young – and life becomes very mundane and predictable.

Well – that may be okay for you – but NOT FOR ME! I love excitement – I even have to have something exciting for breakfast! No dull and dry cereal for me – NO SIR! I need something – ANYTHING with a little pizzaz! A yummy bagel with flavored cream cheese – or a wonderful mouth-watering scone – or a Danish with a little something extra – you know. Greg likes the same thing for breakfast everyday. (Boring) He really likes it like that! Amazing!

I like to ‘live on the edge’ – LOVE adventure, romance and just plain living! Greg likes consistency and routine. That’s where he is comfortable and safe.

Greg knows that I just can’t ‘exist’ – but that I love to express myself – share love and friendship with those in my world and – love to explore new places and get to know new people – and love to encourage others to LIVE and LOVE life!! And in this ‘new season’ that we find ourselves in – it is nice that we are both now self-employed and can do some of the things we’ve always wanted to do – it doesn’t always take money to do them – (we don’t have any – so that’s good!) and I’m thrilled for that!

We do something fun everyday. Each day is an adventure. We had been married far too long – raised a couple of children before we realized that the ‘fun’ and ‘spontaneity’ had been robbed from us. I blame so many things on that – the families we were both raised in (duty, work and responsibility) and the church we found ourselves in for years (appearances and being an example) – and yet I know that these only served as a guide – and did not mean to suck the joy out of our marriage – but somehow – they did. Add to that the stresses of life, family situations and burdens from those in crisis close to us – and even some dysfunctional behavior from others and mix it all together and you can get a very dry and tired marriage. With no joy. Safe, predictable, practical and boring. A slow death sentence for me.

Bringing ‘fun’ back into our marriage was a choice – but also a necessity. Without it – we would not have made it. We took a step toward excitement – and I’m happy to report that keeping things ‘fresh’ and ‘new’ has become our theme song after 29 years of marriage. We were both Christians since we were children – so our faith was never in question – just our ‘duty’ and commitment’ became old and stale and we needed a better reason than that to keep doing the same old things over and over and over again. Like a worn out song that never ends – is how our marriage was becoming. We were becoming that couple with an ‘arrangement’ but that really wasn’t very happy anymore. And it scared us. We refused to be that couple and live that way – with separate lives and interests – pulling further and further apart.

How did we turn it around? We brought FUN back into our relationship. We looked closely at us. Not the ‘us’ as parents of our two wonderful children – not the ‘us’ as a ministry couple (as most people had known us) – not the ‘us’ as wonderful obedient children of our own parents – but we just stepped back and looked at us. And we had to go back and remember just what it was that sparked that interest and kept us – way back then. The ‘little’ things that meant so much back then. We started doing that again. We started thinking of ways to be creative without much money – going and doing something interesting everyday together – being spontaneous and FUN! Not holding back or squelching each others creativity – but allowing each other to be exactly who we are. And that included allowing each other to grow individually without feeling threatened by it. I have a lot of friends and love each of them in their own special way. Greg now understands how important that is to me and does not limit me – nor is he threatened by it. I understand Greg’s need to feel ‘safe’ by routine and his work – and encourage him to do the things that make him most happy and fulfill him as a man. It is a win/win – born out of necessity – and has grown into something secure and trusted – a mutual respect and understanding for each other – two completely different people who decided to grow old together and two people who chose each other.

Here’s wishing you and yours some fun and spontaneity – as you endeavor to ‘live on the edge’ in your marriage and in your own personal life.