Monthly Archives: July 2014

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My post from a couple of weeks ago did not stir up as much controversy as I thought it would. It was about iinitiating contact in online dating. In it, I recommended to those who are participating in online dating that they not initiate contact with the men on the site but that instead they wait to see who picks them and then they can decide if things progress to the next level.

Just Getting Things Started

The reason I expected controversy is because it is so easy to have an I’ll fix it later attitude. It is easy to think that after you secure a husband, then you can fix things. Or, after you get him to notice you, then you will fix it so that he pursues you. To some, the goal isjust to get things startedand it does not matter who starts it.

I know the idea of waiting to be called upon to dance is excruciating and it makes no sense. Others encourage us to be assertive because we are paying for an online service. We should make things happen! But….

Future Consequences

If you notice, all of the 3 R’s I listed (Resourcefulness, Readiness and Realistic) in that post, if lacking, had a consequence in the future.

If he is not resourceful in dating, then he may be lazy in the marriage. You may be stuck in having to drag him along spiritually, financially or (yuk) sexually.

If he is not ready, then he may string you along and play with your emotions. He will not feel responsible for the outcome of the relationship because he is not the one who initiated it.

If he is not realistic, the consequence may be your feelings of insecurity. He thinks he deserves Miss Oklahoma and is unable to see your value. You will experience this in his lame and inconsistent feelings toward you.

No Short Cuts

The future consequences are very difficult to prevent or undo. There are no short cuts in life.

I had to learn that this past weekend. Gregg and I were out-of-town. It is a long story but we ended up having to turn around by going through some bushes off of a parking lot. Gregg was not feeling well and I was driving. I was feeling impatient because we were running late. So I drove back through the bushes and a limb scratched the side of our car. I was in a hurry and tried to take a short cut. The consequence of my shortcut will be there to remind me whenever I get into the passenger seat of our car.

Similar to the consequences of initiating with men who are missing the 3 R’s, you may be reminded in the future of how it all started and wonder if things would have been different if you had waited for the guy to initiate.

Fizzle Factor

I am glad that the post was not controversial. That may indicate that you girls are patiently waiting for your man to initiate contact with you. I did hear from girls via email and many of them said that each time they initiated contact, things ‘fizzled out’ in the end.

I know how tempting it is to believe that any relationship is better than no relationship at all. I know how hard it is wait for the one who seeks you out. 37 years I waited. I know.

Also, I have watched my share of relationships fizzle out. Over the last 30 years of observing relationships, I have observed girls initiate/chase/sleep with a guy in order to ‘get’ him with the idea that they will fix it later. This impatience often catches up with them. I don’t know how else to say this but these women usually lack the influence that is required to ‘fix things’. And sadly, sometimes the man will, even after many years of marriage, find a new women. One that he has chosen to pursue.

Wait on the Lord my sweet girls. Trust in Him. If you need support, please feel free to contact me.

“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope.” Psalm 130:5

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I am sorry that I have no quick takes today! Crazy week and big plans this weekend kept me from preparing them. I will be back next week. Have a wonderful weekend and be assured of my prayers!

-1- Oh, I do have one thing to share. My former office mates had a party for me yesterday. Some of you know that I took a new position at work in June which I believe very much to be the work of the Lord in my life. My former office mates had a beautiful cake, flowers and this awesome framed photo for me. It was a wonderful celebration as I move on to my new position. #blessed

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A dear reader asked me to write a post about the things I, if given the opportunity, would tell my college-age self. I came up with a bunch of ideas yet with each nugget of wisdom, I realized that it would have been very difficult for the college-age me to accept and apply.

Wisdom is something that we obtain over time and can often only be applied after we are healed from the things that make us unwise. The readings from Sunday’s Mass about the wheat and the weeds reminded me of the other parable in the Gospel of Matthew about the importance of sowing seeds on healthy soil:

“And the one on whom seed was sown on the good soil, this is the man who hears the word and understands it; who indeed bears fruit and brings forth, some a hundredfold, some sixty, and some thirty.” Matthew 13:23

My soil was not fruitful. It needed to be cultivated and plowed. The stones had to be removed. Good seed had to be planted. Then, truth, hope and peace could grow and dwell.

Unfruitfulness

While in college, I was away from God and His grace. I was not participating in the Sacramental life because I had no idea what that meant and why it would make a difference. It was the exact prescription I needed but I just didn’t know it. While I was away from Him, my soil became dry and full of rocks and weeds. These rocks and weeds led me to compare myself to others and sell out for something less that what my heart needed.

I thought that I could heal myself and I strove for a perfectionism which I hoped would get me what I wanted. But, the Lord knew that I was on the false path and, out of love, He allowed me to suffer defeat and heartache so that I would turn to Him and “yield the peaceful fruit.”

“All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.” Heb. 12:11

A Waypoint

There were, however, people in my life whose words of encouragement caused me to question my unhealthy way of thinking. Like a lighthouse of truth, their words and perspective were a waypoint leading me toward hope and healing. Therefore, I will share with you the things that I wish I would have known and I pray that the Lord uses it for His glory:

Dear College-Age Cindy,

God is alive and intimately involved in every action of your life. Although He seems like a distant and uncaring God, you will look back and see His merciful and mysterious hand in your life.

That guy that you are crushing on is not the one and there is nothing you can do to make him the one.

Don’t compare yourself to others. The things you desire are in the Supernatural realm and cannot be obtained without God.

That other guy is also not the one. Although it feels amazing to have his attention and affection, it is not enough. It is not love and you know this. Enjoy your time with him but don’t be so hard on yourself when it ends.

The phone does not have any magical powers. You can’t make it ring. Also, the ring of the phone does not increase your worth and the lack of ringing does not decrease your worth.

You are going to have a child and it will not be scary. Instead, you will be healed through the process. Your body will recover and you will see that your body and its design is awe-inspiring.

Look at you becoming a runner! So out of your comfort zone. It seems like a lot of hard work with little pay off but over the years, this will prove to be a very valuable skill that teaches you perseverance.

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like”my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular“Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

— 2 — Next Week’s Post: One of my dear readers asked me to do a post called Dear College Self. I will try not to cringe too much as I write it!

—3 — #NASavannah: The Not Alone Series (NAS) Girls are in Savannah this weekend and I just know they are going to have a blast! I hope you love the bracelets! #Proverbs3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart ~ a verse that got me through many a teary night!

— 4 — Spotlight On:I have never used the site to promote anything but I have to tell you aboutSmartPress.com!!! Remember the book I have been working on for my Mom? Well, it is finished and they arrived on Monday. This printing company is amazing! Their customer service is wonderful and they once they realized that I paid too much, they informed me and refunded me immediately. I was expecting it to cost $600 and they refunded half plus the reduced shipping. I placed my order on Saturday, they sent me the soft copy on Sunday and they arrived one week later. If you have any printing needs, I highly recommend this company!

— 5 — Unbroken: Gregg introduced me to this upcoming movie:

— 6 — The Catholic Company: You girls like jewelry, right? Check out The Catholic Company! I have my eye on this:

— 7 — God Never Rests: I never thought about this until I saw the words of Origen. No, I did not spell it incorrectly. Origen was a Catholic priest and theologian who lived in the 3rd century (185-253). Here is what he had to say:

We don’t see that the words of Genesis: “God rested on the Sabbath day from all his works” came to pass on this seventh day of creation nor, indeed, that they have come to pass today. We always see God at work. There is no Sabbath when God stops working, no day when he does not “make his sun rise on the bad and the good and cause rain to fall on the just and the unjust”, when he does not make “grass to sprout on the mountains and herbs for the service of men”…, or when he does not “put to death and give life”.This is how our Lord answers those who accused him of working and healing on the Sabbath: “My Father is at work until now and I am at work.” By this he showed that, during the time of this world, there is no Sabbath when God rests from watching over the progress of the world and destiny of humankind… In his wisdom as Creator he never ceases to exercise his providence and watchful care over his creatures “until the end of the world”. Therefore the real Sabbath when God will rest from all his works will be the world to come when “sorrow and mourning will flee” and God will be “all in all”.

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I am writing for advice. After taking a year off from online dating, I just signed up for Catholic Match. In the past, I did eHarmony and Match, with no luck. I also realized that any time I initiated contact with a guy (a wink or “liking” one of his photos), we might end up messaging, but nothing has ever come of it beyond that. So my online dating strategy has been to write the best profile that I can, then just wait and hope. Most of my friends think this is crazy to be so passive when one is paying for a dating service. Can you tell me what you think? (especially since I’m pretty sure you said you met your husband via Catholic Match)?

Thank you,

Patiently Waiting

Dear Patiently Waiting,

I believe that the need for the guy to initiate contact is the same no matter whether it is online or in real life. Maybe even more so and here is why:

The two of you have joined the online dating site for, hopefully, the same reason: Marriage If a guy is going to pay money to have access to hundreds (thousands?) of potential wives, it only makes sense that he would be aggressive in his search. If he is sitting back and waiting for girls to initiate contact, then that, to me, indicates that he is missing one or all of the three R’s.

The Three R’s

Resourcefulness: He is not very resourceful and this will drive you craaazy in a marriage.

A resourceful man will spend time searching for his love and with online dating, it could not be easier. It takes his search from several billion (in the whole world) to several thousand (on the site). And, if it is a Catholic site, his search is narrowed down even more because every single girl is of his same faith. All he has to do is read profiles, look at photos, send an email and decide if he wants to pursue her. Easy peasy. If he considers this hard or too difficult, then this says something about him. He is not resourceful (read: lazy). A lazy man in marriage is the worst. No, no you do not want this!

Readiness: He is not ready for marriage and this will drive you craaazy as you ‘date’ him.

Like a toddler who plays with his food by moving it around on a plate, some guys just play with the girls on the site by texting, emailing and even dating. But, his efforts have no end goal behind them. It is just something to do until he is ready. The toddler is not hungry nor does the food on the plate inspire his taste buds. Same with the guy who is on the site but is not ready for marriage. He is not hungry nor is he incentivized to seek out someone to satisfy his hunger.

Realistic: He is not realistic and this is a huge turnoff. Or, it should be. Some guys see online dating as a source for young, perfect and holy women to pick from. They are hoping for girls who are, dare I say, out of their league. For example, he is 45 and his filter is for girls age 20 – 30. He is not attractive yet he only initiates contact with the girls who have many guys fighting to get their attention. The problem is he has not properly assessed himself. He is just not realistic.

He Picks You, Then You Decide

A man who is resourceful, ready and realistic will use the site to his advantage to successfully find his wife. He knows himself well enough to know who he can attract and who, most likely, will not be interested in him. This man will make you feel cherished and pursued.

Once he picks you, then you are in a position to decide if he is right for you. It is a horrible feeling to “pick” a guy only to have him decide against you.

The Problem With Female Initiation

When girls initiate contact online, they feed the beast and they weaken his resourcefulness. Like a toddler, he feels justified in playing with his food (you and your feelings). Besides, he didn’t even have to get up to put the food on his plate. It just arrived. And he wasn’t hungry. In his mind, this is not his fault!

A wink or a ‘like’ seems harmless and maybe it is. But, would you wink at a guy in real life just out of the blue? It puts the guy in the role of the pursued rather than the pursuer.

Finally, when girls initiate contact, it prevents the man from assessing himself truthfully. It makes him think that he can get a girl without even trying and that he is highly sought after. This is not good for him nor is it good for your sisters in Christ. Rather than being humble and realistic, he is full of himself. Rather than pursuing a sister in Christ and marrying her, he is stuck in fantasy land because you have contributed to the trend of female initiation.

Let Him Suffer Through It

There is nothing better for a man than solitude and honest introspection. It is good for him to take risks and it is good for his future wife as well. He will always think “I did it! successfully wooed her! Isn’t she amazing!” It is good for him to exhaust himself in his search only to finally find the pearl of a great price.

Superabundance

I kid you not, this superabundance thing is your secret to attracting your husband. The supernatural power of Chastity makes you like a magnet for the right guy. Keep in mind that there is physical Chastity (the right application of our bodies and fertility) and emotional Chastity (the right application of our emotions). Let’s add one more: Behavioral Chastity. This could be described as the right use of your mind, intellect and actions. This includes not allowing yourself to believe that you have to compete as if you are ‘of the world.‘ No, you belong to the Lord and you must think and act in accordance with that belief.

It Is Not A Competition

God’s will does not require you to compete for your husband. You will not need to become the aggressor in order to get your man’s attention. Your Father in heaven may be saddened at the idea of his precious daughter acting like you have to control something that is not yours to control. You can trust in the Lord.

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like”my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular“Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

— 1 — This Week’s Post: You Are EnoughI was worried that my latest posts have been too basic. It was wonderful to receive your feedback on these post (Thank you, Jen, for the Tweet below). For example, the whole idea of orienting yourself toward God was not something I knew about when I was your age (20, 30, 40). I was unknowingly working toward a desired state that I believed would heal me, but I was not intentionally choosing to orient myself toward Him. My hope is to arm you with this information which I myself struggled to figure out.

— 2 — Next Week’s Post: Are you participating in online dating? Get ready for a philosophical discussion!

— 4 — Purity and Peace: One of my dear readers sent me a Jason Evert quote that is so true:

“The fingerprint of God on a relationship is peace and purity.”

— 5 — Kindness: The Hidden Power: We went to Mass this morning and I stayed after to adore our Lord in the blessed Sacrament for an hour. This was a perfect opportunity to crack open a book which I have been meaning to read. It is called The Hidden Power of Kindness. It is so good that I will dedicate #5, #6 and #7 with quotes. And, I will most likely write a whole post about this book in the future. The first quote is about passing judgment on others:

— 6 — Unkind Thoughts: This was very profound to me:

“Uncharitableness in judging others torments the soul….While virtue grows in your soul under the influence of kindly judgments, your unkind judgments concerning others are often visited upon you. You may fall into the sin of which you have judged another guilty…”

— 7 — Speak Kindly: This chapter emphasized the importance of truth in our speech. Truth about others and truth about ourselves. It encourages us not to brag, exaggerate or pretend we are something which we are not:

“The best way to rid yourself of the habit of pretending is to cultivate simplicity and humility. Be convinced of the principle that you are what you are before God, no more and no less. You do not change your status, either in the eyes of God or of men, by self-misrepresentation in words.”

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No matter what amazing topic I read on her site, that tag line is the most powerful to me. It always takes my breath away. I can see Maura’s sweet face and hear her gentle voice saying those words.

You Are Enough

I get emails from you girls asking what you can do to end the loneliness. You are experiencing doubt and wondering if you are good enough to be loved. The mounting rejection you experience is feeding those seeds of doubt.

You ask, “Is my prayer life ‘just right’?” You wonder if God is somehow displeased with you and you have a nagging belief that He is withholding the blessing of marriage from you. You want to know how you can identify this perceived displeasure and how you can prove to God that you are worthy of this blessing?

The hard thing is that you can’t. You cannot prove yourself worthy of any blessing. Right now, as you are, you are enough for God and for your future husband.

Both are True

Given the above, we are still called to examine our lives and our relationship with God. The Holy Spirit nudges us to draw near to Him which requires our cooperation.

This post may seem to have two conflicting messages: 1. You are enough and 2. Are you doing enough?

The truth of the first message is challenged every day by the world. You are assaulted with one comparison after another that leads you to believe that you are deficient and lacking in some way. You are neither. You, even with your imperfections, are enough for God and for your future husband.

The truth of the second message can be misconstrued into the idea that we earn our blessings. No, we cannot earn them but we can choose to orient our lives toward Him and do all that He commands.

All That God Commands

I am sweetly asking, “Are you doing all that He commands?” Are you orienting your life towards Him or are you living life oriented towards yourself and then wondering why you don’t have peace?

Most of the emails I receive lead me to believe that you are orienting yourself towards God and walking in His will. For those, my advice is always, “Continue what you are doing and wait upon the Lord.”

However, sometimes I am given the opportunity, although the girl is “enough”, to pinpoint an area or two where she may be outside the will of God. This lack of orientation and sometimes lake of obedience, is causing the intense feelings of not being ‘enough’.

Let’s go over what it means to orient yourself towards God:

Prayer Life: Talk to Him. Daily.

“Prayer places our understanding in the brightness of Divine Light, and exposes the will to the heat of His heavenly love. Nothing can so effectively purify the mind from its many ignorances, or the will from its perverse affections than prayer. It is as a river of life-giving healing water which causes the roots of our good desires to send forth fresh shoots, which washes away the soul’s imperfections, and quenches the thirst of the passions within our hearts.” St. Francis de Sales ~ Introduction To The Devout Life

Worship Him: Keep holy the Sabbath. Mass is all about proper orientation. We go and tell Him who we are (sinners), who He is (holy, Lord, Savior, Creator), and what we need (Him, His forgiveness and His grace). We listen to what He has to say in the Liturgy of The Word. We humble ourselves to become like little children in the belief that He is present in the Eucharist and precious blood. We become more like Him when we receive Him into our bodies. The Mass is centered on Christ, not us, yet it is exactly what heals us.

Thy Will be Done: Surrender to His will. Easier said than done, I know. But, all that means is that you surrender to His will for today. You only have enough grace for today and you do not know what tomorrow holds.

Once you orient yourself toward God, then you can peacefully rest in the truth that He is working all things. Trust in Him and wait on Him.

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— 2 — Freedom Theme: In celebration of America’s Independence Day, this week’s 7QTs will focus on Freedom. There are those who seek justice so that other’s can live in freedom. Also, the beauty of what our faith reveals about true human freedom.

—3 — Spotlight On: This week’s spotlight is on Christie from The Way Home. Here is a little bit about her and her passion for human freedom:

“…I hope to write about my life and relationship with Christ; why I left Protestantism to enter into full communion with the Catholic Church; ecumenical Protestant-Catholic relations; and seeking justice in the anti-human trafficking movement…”

— 4 — The Catechism of The Catholic Church: Freedom;Paragraphs #1733 and #1740

“The more one does what is good, the freer one becomes. There is no true freedom except in the service of what is good and just. The choice to disobey and do evil is an abuse of freedom and leads to “the slavery of sin.” ….By deviating from the moral law man violates his own freedom, becomes imprisoned within himself, disrupts neighborly fellowship, and rebels against divine truth.”

— 5 — Saint Pope John Paul II: Obedience and dignity:

“…In the depths of his own conscience man detects a law which he does not impose on himself, but which holds him to obedience. Always summoning him to love good and avoid evil, the voice of conscience can when necessary speak to his heart more specifically: “Do this, shun that.” For man has in his heart a law written by God. To obey it is the very dignity of man; according to it he will be judged.”

— 6 —Pope John Paul II:Freedom defined:

“Freedom consists not in doing what we like, but in having the right to do what we ought.”

“….Although he was made by God in a state of holiness, from the very onset of his history man abused his liberty, at the urging of the Evil One. Man set himself against God and sought to attain his goal apart from God. Although they knew God, “they did not glorify Him as God, but their senseless minds were darkened and they served the creature rather than the Creator” (Rm 1,21f.). What divine revelation makes known to us agrees with experience. Examining his heart, man finds that he has inclinations toward evil too, and is engulfed by manifold ills which cannot come from his good Creator. Often refusing to acknowledge God as his beginning, man has disrupted also his proper relationship to his own ultimate goal as well as his whole relationship toward himself and others and all created things.Therefore man is split within himself. As a result, all of human life, whether individual or collective, shows itself to be a dramatic struggle between good and evil, between light and darkness. Indeed, man finds that by himself he is incapable of battling the assaults of evil successfully, so that everyone feels as though he is bound by chains. But the Lord Himself came to free and strengthen man, renewing him inwardly and casting out that “prince of this world” (Jn 12,31) who held him in the bondage of sin. For sin has diminished man, blocking his path to fulfillment.The call to grandeur and the depths of misery, both of which are a part of human experience, find their ultimate and simultaneous explanation in the light of this revelation….”

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I am so sorry that I don’t have a post to share this week! During my non-working hours, I have been spending my free time responding to your awesome emails. And, I have been working on a big project with my mom!

You might remember that I asked my mom to write down 7 short stories about her family. I posted the story a couple of weeks ago about how her parents met. Other short stories include her brothers returning home from war, her father’s death at 53 years old, her family coming to America and the loss of her 6 month old brother and her 11-year-old brother ~ both to pneumonia.

I typed these short stories and added photos. Then, I created a 33 page book that we are going to give to our relatives when we go to our family reunion at the end of July. This project has been so exciting and fun to do. We are really excited! Such a family treasure.

This week I thought I would repost an article I wrote a while ago. Also, I want to fill you in on some upcoming posts. First, the upcoming posts:

“…I also felt very confused by what I was observing all around me. I knew that I was not perfect but I wondered why everyone else (and their imperfect and often unchaste selves) seemed to get married. Why not me? What was wrong with me?

Well, I now have the benefit of hindsight and I am here to tell you that there was nothing wrong with me. I also want to reassure you that there is nothing wrong with you.

The ‘one’ that God has for you will love you despite your faults. There is nothing wrong with you that will keep him from marrying you. Trust and wait. I know it is hard.”

Thank you for your patience as I catch up on my emails. I love hearing from you girls!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like”my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular“Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!