Jewdar

*Our Krum*
We’ve loved David Krumholtz for years, not just for his stellar work in films like _Ten Things I Hate About You_, but also because with his nose and name, he’s living proof that you don’t need to fake it to make it in Tinseltown (take note, Michael Ian Schwartz). Thus, we’re tickled beyond pink to learn that he’s teaming with Judd Apatow (whose _Freaks and Geeks_ blew entirely too close to this little pig’s home) to shoot the Krumholtz penned and soon-to-be starred-in comedy _Attorneys at Raw_. The plot revolves around a couple of Jewish lawyers who become rappers. Match that with Krumholtz’s upcoming role as a music producer in Walk Hard and you’ve got a rapper who can rip himself off and then sue himself for royalties. Now that’s synergy.

*Malibu’s Most Unwanted*
It would take the imagination of a Jules Verne or Joel Schumacher to depict the kaleidoscope of concern we felt when informed that the new season of _The Simple Life_ would find Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton (the poster girls, respectively, for the evils of anorexia and inbreeding) working as counselorettes at Camp JCA Shalom in Malibu. As if the typical and allegedly amusing antics of the gruesome twosome aren’t enough to induce a mini-seizure, the whole premise of the show is that these two spoiled rich girls are forced to hoi polloiter in habitats unfamiliar. Will anybody rat us out to Abe Foxman if we suggest that a Jewish camp in suburban L.A. may not exactly provide a study in contrast?

*Visions Of Johansson*
For those Jewdar readers who’ve caught glamour gal Scarlett Johansson’s turn in the video for Bob Dylan’s “When the Deal Goes Down” and imagined that she will forever be typecast as a muse for creepy old Jewish guys, fear not: Her latest project has her slated to inspire devotion in a whole new world of creepy men–snipped, wrinkled, and otherwise. The Kosher Danish will be starring in Amazon as a BC battle-babe who gets revenge for the massacre of her village—think Schwarzenegger’s Conan with a slightly smaller rack. For those who simply see this as mindless violence, we have confidence in the sense and sensibilities of Israeli expat producer Moshe Diamant, who knows a thing or two about the horrors of war (we’re speaking, of course, not of his combat experience in ’67 and ’73, but of his extensive work with Jean-Claude Van Damme).

*Disbarred*
For years, we have been able to overlook Roseanne Barr’s little indiscretions. “The Star-Spangled Banner,” the whole Tom Arnold thing, _Look Who’s Talking, Too_. But no more. After a series of blog posts about Israel and Judaism that were ill-informed to the point of being delusional, we, like our boyhood idol Popeye, have taken all we can stands and we can’t stands no more. It is high time that America’s celebrities stopped speaking. Toss somebody an Emmy nomination and suddenly they think they’re the highly improbable love-child of Winston Churchill and Oriana Fallaci (who we really know nothing about, other than that her name sounds like sex, twice). Celebrities, we implore you: Just stand there and look pretty and leave the pontificating to people who really have something to say–like people who write about celebrities.

*American Apparel Is Magic?*
If _Heeb_ only had a nickel for every time somebody approached us about putting them in touch with Sarah Silverman, we’d probably be off somewhere sipping Pepto-Bismol under a palm tree or something. Nevertheless, it appears that we may have made a shidduch between her and American Apparel schmatte magnate Dov Charney. Thanks to our matchmaking, word on the Heeb street is that Silverman may be gracing an American Apparel billboard as soon as this fall. No word on whether she’ll be wearing hot shorts with a hole in them.

Got a sizzling hot tip on Jews who should be in the news? Can it wait a few months until the next issue of Heeb? E-mail [email protected] and tell us about it.