I need to learn how to become more social. I have always had confidence issues, not very courageous, not much aim in life and generally not an interesting guy. I do not do interesting things, and I am generally a stay at home, not do much type of person. Personally, it makes me weary and anxious just thinking about going to do things with other people. But I want to change all this, and have no idea how. Do I just go out and do stuff?

However, I feel like I am trying to be something that I am not in trying to fix being anti-social. How do I know whether I should be putting effort into this type of thing? I feel so tired trying to be enthusiastic and frankly, I do not want to pretend to be something that I am really not. What should I do? I want to socialize, but as a 21 year old male virgin Engineering student, I feel like I have a severe handicap and that trying to be social and confident would be like a fish flipping around out of water.

I do this with my friends. We'll tend to plan exactly what we want to do before we meet up, e.g. last time it was understood that we were going to play 1-2 games of Small World, Cards Against Humanity and we were ordering out so nobody had to prepare food.

As a 21 year old female, I have to say that the fact that you are an engineering student is really impressive. It shows that you are intelligent, hardworking, and successful.

Do you like to play board games? You should get in contact with the local game board shop, they usually have game nights where you can meet people.

Universities usually have things going on around campus that you can go to.

Isn't there an engineering club or something similiar?

Also, if you do decide to go to these things, don't give up after one shot. If you go, and don't really meet anyone or socialize much, just realize that is normal. You are just checking it out. You aren't going to go one time and leave with your new best friend. Keep going, don't be afraid to introduce yourself to others, and it will work out.

Yeah I love board games: monopoly, scrabble, chess, especially like poker (but that cannot run on school grounds) And all sorts of other fun stuff. The thing is, I have kept my head in the books for so long, now I suddenly want to change and it has come as a shock, really.

I guess I could start things a little slower. I was under the impression that being social was going to bars and dancing the night away, chatting it up with complete strangers. I have a real hard time communicating, and flirting, well, would be out of the question at that point. My friends tend to be social outgoing people, and I am generally regarded as a deadbeat. Maybe I should embrace that I am a slower going guy.

You can have a rich social life without going dancing and barhoppoing. If you are interested in trying that out, then you should, but don't do it because you feel like you have to.

I personally do love dancing and hanging out at bars. My INTJ boyfriend hates every minute of it. He has a rich social life, however, and spends a lot of time with his friends playing DND as well as several board games. There are a lot of of fun board games out there that require a lot of logical thinking that INTJs love so much. Here's a website where you can skim through some board games.
http://boardgamegeek.com/browse/boardgame . They also like to go out and play pool and once in a great while they attend trivia night at a local bar.

As far as chatting it up with complete strangers, drinking, and dancing the night away. They tend to leave that up to me and my fellow ENFJ friend (she dates my boyfriends friend). Just because you're INTJ doesn't mean you won't like going out to those types of hang outs. Give it a try with you friends if you want. If you hate it, however, don't beat yourself up. It's not for everyone.

Also, do you live in or near a bigger city that has it's own reddit meetup? I've never personally gone to one, but my city has them all the time. This will help you practice socializing with new people.

When I decided to stop being a virgin, I watched a couple of tutorials on how to be successful in approaching girls. I made mostly mistakes though, especially my first time (damn I was desperate). Five years later, I'm mostly interested in finding a life partner and even if I go out sometimes I kind of end up not feeling like putting efforts into people I don't know; so don't worry about starting late, sexual discovery brings a pretty limited range of emotions for an NT. You'll get around it all.

I used a guide called "Double Your Dating" by David Deangelo. I found a bootleg online. It helped me find a girlfriend (now wife).

As far as being more social, I found it helpful to put myself into more difficult situations. There are clubs out there. Check them out. Make commitments to do things and do them. Also, when offered to "hang out" outside of any club, never turn down any offers (at least at first). Even if you think it won't be fun or will be awkward, just do it.

As a woman, I'm going to say that I can definitely tell when a guy is using pickup artist strategies on me, and it totally creeps me out, so that's something you should consider. What I appreciate in a guy is someone who has his own interests and has done a lot of travel and reading, listens to good music and is generally not boring. That said, I completely agree with ImBloodyAnnoyed; look at the PUA materials and make up your own mind-- they may work for you.

I wouldn't worry so much about still being a virgin. One of my exes was 22 and a virgin when we met, and he was absolutely the best person I've ever slept with. He wanted to make sure that he didn't "seem" like a virgin, so he was really mindful of what I liked. When you have sex, be open with your partner, while expecting the same in return.

Lot of awkwardness comes from not knowing what to talk about. Try finding a group that has the same interests as you, or even find a group that has something that you think is interesting. You'd be surprised how friendly people think you are by just ASKING QUESTIONS! You don't have to be super interesting and charismatic, but you can be interested and friendly.

Possibly try hanging out in a study group, there should be plenty of them in the engineering majors (I was BME). If you want a more social experience, maybe try a club or maybe even an Engineering Fraternity, if your school has one.

Don't worry, I felt the same way in my first few quarters at college, but I threw myself into an extremely uncomfortable situation and joined a fraternity. This was an extreme, but it did literally force me to talk to new people very often, eventually making social interaction much easier! I'm still pretty quiet, but I've become very comfortable with myself. Just remember to not become something/someone that isn't true to yourself.

A tip I read here in another thread that changed the way I looked at 'being social': invite people over to do what you would already be doing. Playing games? Invite friends over for a LAN. Want to watch a movie? Ask friends if they want to join you, etc.

There are two ways that have worked for me. I am still not where I want to be, but I have improved a lot over the last year.

1-Force yourself to go out. Got to a bar, coffee shop or whatever. Force yourself to talk to strangers. Just blurt something out. Maybe it will spark a conversation, maybe it won't, but who cares, its not like they know you anyway. It is hard if you have never done this. Really fucking hard. But it gets easier.

2-Start a new hobby. Find a group on meetup or join a new class of something you like. It is a lot easier to talk with people when you know you have an interest in common. If you don't meet anyone cool, at least you are still doing something that you enjoy.

I.e. I like having friends around and being in a comfortable social environment. However I really find it extremely difficult to be interested in other people and what goes on in their lives. This is what a lot of people find repellent.

Solution: try to be excited about other people and what goes on with them and what they have to teach you.

I often find it tough to talk to people in social situations like parties. It has always been a lot easier for me to have a good conversation and connect with people if I'm doing something with them, particularly if we're working together towards a goal. If you can relate to this, then maybe consider volunteering somewhere, whether it be a nonprofit of some sort or join a club on campus. I can tell you that recruitment is VERY tough for clubs, so when a new person walks in the door and wants to get involved, most organizations will be absolutely overjoyed! The fact that you're there already makes them like you, and conversations flow more easily because just the fact that you're there is something you and everyone else have in common.

Work towards something with other people and you might find a strong feeling of solidarity, respect, joy and understanding without having to make all this effort to "be social."

Now hear me through on this, but check out /r/seduction. There is a lot of stupid bullshit dealing with women that you will need to wade through to get to the gems, but there is also a lot of genuinely good information there dealing with self confidence and how you talk and interact with other people that you can use.

However part of what you've said hits the nail on the head. "I get tired faking enthusiasm" "I don't want to pretend to be something I'm not". Well there's your problem right there. Find stuff you genuinely enjoy doing. You said you're an engineering student. I bet your college has at least a half dozen different clubs or groups that deal with that kind of shit. Make a list of 10 things you enjoy doing, and then make a list of 10 things you'd like to be able to do and then find stuff orientated around that. It can be stupid shit like be an expert on beer, or learn to ride a unicycle, or it can be something like be proficient at chess or learn an instrument. Now go find social things to do that involve these subjects. Join a robotics club or some shit. Take a music class. Teachers are always setting things up for their students and use that as a platform to socialize with people you already have something in common with. Find something you genuinely enjoy, 99 times out of a 100 there will be other people that enjoy the same thing and there will be some sort of a community around that. Whether it's books, or robots, or music, or math, or chess, or board games, or getting wasted and partying every weekend.

One common thing I see a lot is people wish they were more fit or that they could lose weight, but feel uncomfortable in a big gym atmosphere. Everyone is comfortable at first, but if you want to avoid the gym altogether then try something like joining an ultimate frisbee team, taking up running (see /r/running for newbie help), taking up biking (/r/bicycling), or swimming, kayaking, or really anything else that is active. Hell go try all of those and more. Find the ones you enjoy and stick with them. If you want my advice I've found that many introverted people enjoy bicycling, kayaking, running, and hiking. These are all activities that can be done alone over long periods of time that allow you to have plenty of time by yourself while still providing a self challenge. However on the flipside you can also make a lot of friends through this and it can also be a group activity if you want it to be, either with a small group of close knit friends or a larger group of people.

You should look at meeups, too. My husband and I joined a euchre group and had a lot of fun. We met at a local pizza place and it was all arranged by the group admin. See if there is anything in your area. Give it a good shot a couple of times and if you don't like, there isn't anything lost. The web sit is here : meetup.com

This is definitely not for everyone, but have you considered therapy and medication? I personally had a lot of anxiety that stopped me from being very social and outgoing and have anti-anxiety medication I take from time to time that really helps when I know a situation will be tough for me.

You have to be the one that is always initiating social interaction. Be the one having parties, be the one calling your friends and setting up dinner, be the one that goes out in social settings at least once a week with a group. It's more of a continuation thing than a learned skill. Kind of like working out.

A hobby that basically forces you to interact with people can go a long way. I joined a band which forced me to work very closely with 8 other people, and within a month I considered everyone a friend. It also had the fringe benefit of forcing me to play gigs on stage, which was a great opportunity for me to get way outside my comfort zone.

It may or may not help you get laid, but I've discovered helping people with things I'm good at (homework, advice on diet/exercise, phone/PC issues etc) really makes me feel better about myself - leading to a virtuous cycle of being more confident and outgoing because I feel I'm a good person.