eHarmony Blog » relationshipshttp://www.eharmony.com/blog
eHarmony experts’ take on dating, relationships and the science of loveFri, 31 Jul 2015 17:40:50 +0000en-UShourly1Are Men and Women More Threatened by Emotional or Sexual Infidelity?http://www.eharmony.com/blog/relationships-sexuality-jealousy/
http://www.eharmony.com/blog/relationships-sexuality-jealousy/#commentsThu, 19 Mar 2015 21:38:31 +0000http://www.eharmony.com/blog/?p=18600The green eyed monster — chances are most people have experienced, at least once, the not-so-pleasant feeling of jealousy. In fact, the term “green-eyed monster” was coined as far back as 1603 in the Shakespearian play, The Tragedy of Othello, the Moor of Venice: Beware of jealousy, my lord! It’s a green-eyed monster that makes […]

]]>The green eyed monster — chances are most people have experienced, at least once, the not-so-pleasant feeling of jealousy. In fact, the term “green-eyed monster” was coined as far back as 1603 in the Shakespearian play, The Tragedy of Othello, the Moor of Venice:

Beware of jealousy, my lord! It’s a green-eyed monster that makes fun of the victims it devours. The man who knows his wife is cheating on him is happy, because at least he isn’t friends with the man she’s sleeping with. But think of the unhappiness of a man who worships his wife, yet doubts her faithfulness. He suspects her, but still loves her. (Shakespeare, 1622).

Literally, humans have been dealing with and writing about relationship jealousy for over 400 years…before computers, phones, Tinder, and malls. One would think that after centuries, humans would have developed better reactions to jealousy or at least better understand it. But sadly jealousy is an intensely personal yet seemingly universal feeling that we are simply terrible at dealing with; both men and women.

A massive study on this subject has been completed by Dr. Frederick of Chapman University, which measured relationship jealousy (Frederick & Fales, 2014). Chapman polled almost 64,000 Americans about emotional and sexual infidelity. Participants were asked to imagine two situations and indicate which scenario was more upsetting. The first situation was that their partner was having sex with someone else, but did not fall in love (sexual infidelity). The second situation was that their partner did not have sex with someone else, but did fall in love (emotional infidelity). The study design allowed researchers to explore jealousy responses not only between gender, but also between varying sexual orientations, to better understand jealousy causes and responses.

This study demonstrated support for an evolutionary model claiming certain biological and adaptive factors impact the jealousy response. It revolves around the notion of paternal investment and uncertainty. For males, there is always a chance that their child could have a different father, whereas women never experience maternal uncertainty. Therefore while jealousy is expected from both men and women, the evolutionary theory states that men will feel more distress about threats to sexual exclusivity whereas women are concerned more with loss of partner commitment, resources, and attention. The results supported the theory because they showed that heterosexual males reported the deepest levels of jealousy about sexual infidelity. In contrast, heterosexual women, homosexual men, homosexual women, and bisexual men and women all reported they would be more upset about emotional infidelity.

You might be thinking, “wait, that doesn’t make sense!” When infidelity occurs, men don’t immediately think about losing their chance to reproduce. The theory implies that jealousy is an adaptive mechanism, inherited from ancestors who lived in much more hostile environments. For example, humans developed a liking for sugar, fat, and protein, all of which are adaptive solutions to scarcity of food. Do we like just like the taste, or is there something deeper at play? Adaptation mechanisms exist in today’s society because they were behaviors that helped our ancestors survive and we are not necessarily always aware of the logic behind it, like jealousy.

So why is jealousy so bad and why does it matter if people respond differently to infidelity? Regardless of gender and sexual orientation, people can become jealous in relationships, and statistics show how the fear of actual or suspect infidelity can be one of the most stressful and upsetting events in a relationship.

According to Buss (2000) “sexual infidelity causes divorce worldwide more than any other marital violation, being closely rivaled only by the infertility of the union.” Additionally, jealousy can lead to devastating physical and mental consequences such as partner abuse, depression, anxiety, violence, and is a strong predictor of partner aggression. Also infidelity is one of the top factors associated with homicide in the United States and accounts for nearly one-third of murders (Barash & Lipton, 2001). The negative consequences of jealousy range from broken hearts and abandonment to extreme cases of violence.

So in your own relationship, it is important to have an open conversation about cheating with your significant other. When discussing infidelity, remember that there is no single definition, and it varies on a continuum from emotional to sexual.

Make sure that you share with your partner what infidelity means to you — how you define it, is it strictly sexual, emotional, or both? If yes, will it be expected, not tolerated, and what about online cheating? Also, while keeping the evolutionary model in mind, remember that jealousy is not a mark of immaturity, rather it is an extremely important adaptation which helped our ancestors survive; emotional wisdom! Just don’t go overboard.

]]>http://www.eharmony.com/blog/relationships-sexuality-jealousy/feed/0How a Double Date Could Improve Your Relationshiphttp://www.eharmony.com/blog/how-a-double-date-could-help-your-romantic-relationship/
http://www.eharmony.com/blog/how-a-double-date-could-help-your-romantic-relationship/#commentsThu, 19 Mar 2015 21:07:23 +0000http://www.eharmony.com/blog/?p=18954When you and your romantic partner lead busy lives, it can be hard to find time to enjoy each other and spend time together with friends. You may talk about going out over the weekend for dinner or drinks, but you end up staying in and watching whatever happens to be on TV. On Monday, you […]

]]>When you and your romantic partner lead busy lives, it can be hard to find time to enjoy each other and spend time together with friends. You may talk about going out over the weekend for dinner or drinks, but you end up staying in and watching whatever happens to be on TV. On Monday, you end up hearing about all the fun that you missed.

The next time you get an invite for a couples’ night out, consider committing to a double date. New research suggests that cultivating a friendship with another couple can help to reinvigorate your romantic relationship with your partner (Welker et al., 2014).

Researchers had dating couples come in together and take part in a discussion task, either alone as a couple, or in a group with another dating couple whom they had never met before. For some couples, the discussion task was designed to encourage self-disclosure and closeness. Each member of the group took turns answering questions that gradually increased levels of self-disclosure, starting with questions like “Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?”, and escalating to questions like “If you could go back in your life and change any one experience, what would it be and why?” For other couples, the discussion task did not invoke self-disclosure, focusing on small-talk questions, such as “When was the last time you walked for more than an hour?” After the discussions were completed, participants individually answered questions about their romantic relationship, specifically passionate love (feeling intense desire and chemistry with their romantic partner) and relationship satisfaction.

Results found that having a deep conversation was associated with greater relationship satisfaction regardless of whether couples talked alone, together or with another couple, whereas having small-talk conversation did not have positive relationship benefits. Furthermore, couples who interacted with another couple using the self-disclosure task also reported increased passionate love for their partner, while couples who completed the task alone did not.

Including another couple can have benefits for your relationship that a conversation alone with your partner doesn’t. A second study by the same researchers proposes that the act of sharing deeply about yourself and feeling understood and validated by another couple is responsible for these increases in passionate love. Receiving validation from another couple about you and your romantic partner may help strengthen your relationship with each other.

This research suggests that building a friendship with another couple can strengthen passionate love within a relationship. So, make the extra effort to set plans with friends for a double dinner date, or invite your coworkers over for a couples’ board game night. Not only will you get to reconnect with old friends or make new ones, but it may be good for your relationship!

]]>http://www.eharmony.com/blog/how-a-double-date-could-help-your-romantic-relationship/feed/0The Importance of Being There When Things Are Going Wellhttp://www.eharmony.com/blog/aaa/
http://www.eharmony.com/blog/aaa/#commentsMon, 23 Feb 2015 20:25:30 +0000http://www.eharmony.com/blog/?p=18595One of the cornerstones of a successful relationship is supporting one another when things are difficult. But what about when things are really great? Now, more than ever, we are surrounded by good news. Opening your Facebook page and viewing your newsfeed or checking pictures from your Instagram account, you see that your friend got […]

]]>One of the cornerstones of a successful relationship is supporting one another when things are difficult. But what about when things are really great? Now, more than ever, we are surrounded by good news. Opening your Facebook page and viewing your newsfeed or checking pictures from your Instagram account, you see that your friend got a new car, your sister got a new job, your cousin went on a Caribbean vacation, and the guy you have been seeing just adopted a puppy. You might just keep scrolling, or maybe like a post, but is this an opportunity to connect? When you post about the new promotion you got at work, or send your friend a text about following through on one of your new year’s resolutions, what kind of responses do you get and how do you feel about them? Being able to share your good fortune with others, and sharing in others good fortune may be good for your relationships.

Researchers have examined the process of sharing good news with others and how this may benefit relationships. By telling someone about a positive event in your life, a process called capitalization, the person sharing the event can relive the positive event and also feel connected to the person they are sharing with. The type of response you receive to sharing your event also matters. Receiving an enthusiastic response, a response that makes you feel understood, validated, and cared for, is associated with relationship benefits. Research on this topic has found that talking about personal positive events with others is associated with experiencing greater positive emotion and well-being, especially when responses are enthusiastic and supportive. Within romantic relationships, having a partner who generally responds enthusiastically to your good news is associated with greater relationship well-being and relationship intimacy (Gable, Reis, Impett & Asher, 2004).

Having a romantic partner who is happy about your successes has concrete long-term implications for your relationship. In one study (Gable, Gonzaga & Strachman, 2006), researchers had dating couples talk to each other about a series of recent negative and positive personal events, taking turns as the person sharing and the person listening. The researchers observed the interaction, focusing particularly if partners responded enthusiastically to positive events and were supportive when sharing negative events. They asked couples to report on how they felt after they disclosed their event to their partner, and also about how their partner generally responds when they share positive events. Researchers followed up with these couples again two months later. They found that couples who showed an enthusiastic response to their partner’s positive event during the initial session were more likely to still be in a relationship together two months later, compared to those who had a more subdued positive response or a negative response.

Couples who stayed together also reported feeling more understood, validated, and cared for by their partner after sharing their positive event compared to couples who had broken up during the interim time period. Additionally, how couples responded to each other’s positive events was more strongly connected to relationship health than how they talked about negative events.

This research suggests that being attentive and enthusiastic about others’ good fortune isn’t just about being a good friend or romantic partner; it has real long-term implications for relationship quality and well-being. Being there when things are going well is just as important, if not more important, than being there when things are tough.

]]>http://www.eharmony.com/blog/aaa/feed/0How Your Teen Past Affects Your Romantic Futurehttp://www.eharmony.com/blog/how-your-teen-past-affects-your-romantic-future/
http://www.eharmony.com/blog/how-your-teen-past-affects-your-romantic-future/#commentsTue, 05 Mar 2013 23:28:54 +0000http://www.eharmony.com/blog/?p=12889A person's life at home in their teenage years can have drastic effects on the way they form and maintain their relationships later in life. What can you find out about a person's relationship tendencies by asking about their life at home when they were young? Read here to find out.

]]>What do you remember from your life as a teenager? For most people, it can be an exciting but confusing time. Steering through middle school and high school, trying to expand social ties with friends, dating, and transitioning into adulthood make for an interesting period. Besides the social life of a teen, the role at home and in your family is important as well. Plenty of past research has shown what effects these formative years can have on a person’s adult life. But what kinds of things can affect our romantic relationships?

Research has shown that parental divorce can drastically alter the attachment style of a child, where they may be less likely to create a fully trusting relationship, and afraid to commit or open up to a partner. However, recent research by Robert Ackerman and colleagues at the University of Texas at Dallas focused on how positive family interactions in the teenage years can affect romantic relationships in adulthood.

The researchers found that individuals who came from families which expressed more positive engagement with one another were less likely to act hostile towards their partners as adults, and were more likely to have higher satisfaction with their relationships. Their partners were also found to be less hostile and have higher relationship satisfaction.

These results could be showing that the dynamics within a family can influence a teenager to form better methods of interacting with loved ones, which could be influencing their eventual partner in adulthood as well. It could also be that these individuals from positive families are seeking out partners who are similar to themselves and have had that same warm and nurturing environment growing up. The researchers believe it could be a combination of the two theories.

How can we use this information for our adult dating lives?

The next time you’re meeting somebody new, you might want to ask them a little more about the relationship with their family during their teen years. It could tell you quite a bit about how they form relationships and how likely they are to be warm and supportive with their own family later in life.

]]>http://www.eharmony.com/blog/how-your-teen-past-affects-your-romantic-future/feed/0Equality Now! Why You Should Strive for Equality in the Bedroomhttp://www.eharmony.com/blog/equality-now-why-you-should-strive-for-equality-in-the-bedroom/
http://www.eharmony.com/blog/equality-now-why-you-should-strive-for-equality-in-the-bedroom/#commentsMon, 15 Oct 2012 23:37:15 +0000http://www.eharmony.com/blog/?p=11822If you are a firm believer in traditional gender roles in which the man is more dominant and the woman submissive, it could be affecting your sexual relationship more than you think. Read her to discover the effects and why we should strive for equality.

]]>When it comes to dating and relationships, do you think there is a specific role you should take? Do you find yourself taking on a more traditional gender role, where men are more dominant, are the main breadwinners, and come home to their wives cooking a meal and a clean house? Does this type of mindset carry over to the bedroom for you, where the man leads the way in how things are going to happen? If you’re more into traditional gender roles like these, it may have more of an effect on your sex life than you think.

Recent research has shown that people who follow more of these traditional gender roles in the bedroom with a dominant man and submissive woman had lower levels of sexual self-efficacy. Sexual self-efficacy includes how confident one feels in sexual situations, overall sexual satisfaction, and their ability to initiate safe-sex. Overall, men were more likely to hold the belief that men should be more dominant sexually than women. But both men and women who follow these traditional gender roles in the bedroom were less confident in sexual situations as well as less satisfied with their sexual relationships. Women were also found to be less likely to initiate safe-sex practices, in that they would follow what their dominant partner would want or wait for their suggestion.

So if you take on these types of roles, chances are you’re not going to be nearly as satisfied with your sexual relationship as those who prefer gender equality in the bedroom, and you won’t be as confident in your own sexual prowess. You should think about switching to an equality mentality so you and your partner will have an equal say in what goes on between the sheets, you’ll know exactly what satisfies your partner and how to achieve that, which will lead you both to a happier and more satisfying relationship.

]]>http://www.eharmony.com/blog/equality-now-why-you-should-strive-for-equality-in-the-bedroom/feed/0Is There More to the “Pre-Wedding Jitters” Than You Think?http://www.eharmony.com/blog/is-there-more-to-the-pre-wedding-jitters-than-you-think/
http://www.eharmony.com/blog/is-there-more-to-the-pre-wedding-jitters-than-you-think/#commentsWed, 19 Sep 2012 22:30:37 +0000http://www.eharmony.com/blog/?p=11743Having doubts before saying “I do” is a fairly common thing. But what kind of effects can these pre-wedding feelings have on your relationship? Read here to find out.

]]>We’ve all heard of the nervousness and doubts people have before they get married, which can be called the ‘pre-wedding jitters’ or getting ‘cold feet.’ You may have also seen the movie Runaway Bride, where Julia Roberts is a purveyor of these ‘pre-wedding jitters’ and leaves multiple guys at the altar, inspiring Richard Gere to write an article about her. As common as these doubts may be, do they in fact have any effect on your relationship after saying ‘I do’?

Recent research by Lavner, Karney, & Bradbury at UCLA investigated the effects of cold feet on the likelihood of divorce as well as effects on relationship satisfaction. Out of the 232 couples they followed for 4 years, 47% of husbands and 38% of wives said they had some pre-wedding doubts, and overall, 12% of the couples divorced within 4 years. Among the wives, only 8% of those who said they did not have pre-wedding doubts had their relationships end in divorce. But for those wives who did have cold feet, 19% of them ended in divorce. It was very similar for men, where only 9% of those without pre-wedding doubts ended in divorce, and 14% with doubts ended in divorce. Overall, even if one person in a couple has the pre-wedding jitters, then their chances of getting divorced are generally increased.

But what about those who stayed together? The researchers showed that couples who had cold feet were significantly less satisfied with their relationship than those without any doubts, and remained less satisfied throughout the first four years of marriage. So even though these couples may have not divorced, they were still ultimately less happy in their marriage.

But what does that mean for us? If you have any doubts, should you follow Julia Robert’s lead from Runaway Bride and high-tail it out of the relationship? Definitely not. One of the best things you can do is talk to your partner about it. If you two talk about each other’s doubts and fears in taking the next step, you’ll start to understand one another better and can work to help calm each other’s nerves about the upcoming nuptials, and eventually alleviate all (or at least some) of the doubts altogether.

]]>Whether it is going to your local bar trying to meet somebody, asking someone out for drinks, or sharing a bottle of wine, alcohol can at times be a common theme when it comes to dating. In a recent sample of eHarmony users, a majority of singles said they drink alcohol, with 46% saying they drink once a week and 31% saying a few times a year. But when you’re out looking for love, how can this alcohol usage help or hurt your chances of finding that special someone?

One way alcohol can affect your dating agenda is by altering who you would normally approach or ask out on a date. I’m sure most of you have heard the term “beer goggles,” but for those who haven’t, it’s the term for finding people more attractive than they really are after having a few drinks.

Recent research has shown that the beer goggle phenomenon does actually exist. Comparing individuals who were moderately or highly intoxicated to sober individuals, the researchers found that both moderately and highly intoxicated individuals rated pictures of the opposite sex to be significantly more attractive than sober individuals did.

More recently, alcohol has also been shown to affect how attractive you think you are. Research by Bègue and colleagues found that people who drank alcohol, as well as people who thought they drank alcohol, rated themselves as more attractive than those who hadn’t had any beverages. But this jump in attractiveness was not seen by anyone else. Independent reviewers did not find these intoxicated (or think-they’re-intoxicated) people any more attractive than their sober counterparts.

So how can alcohol make or break you in the dating game? The increased ratings of your own attractiveness can actually be a great thing. If you’re feeling super attractive and on top of the world, your confidence levels are going to be just as high. You’ll be more likely to approach that person you’ve had your eye on, and you’ll feel better about yourself while you do. However, this could backfire. Badly. A few too many drinks, and you may suffer from “beer goggles” and approach and ask out someone you are not really attracted to, and may later regret it.

All in all, there is a fine line you should strive for when enjoying alcoholic drinks and trying to meet others, where you are loosened up, feel extra attractive and confident, but before your judgment is impaired. As the “beer goggles” study showed, even moderately intoxicated people were shown to have an altered rating system in attractiveness.

Have you ever logged onto eHarmony after a few drinks? Did you feel more confident in messaging your matches?

]]>http://www.eharmony.com/blog/how-alcohol-can-affect-your-quest-for-love/feed/0What Do Your Shoes Say About You?http://www.eharmony.com/blog/what-do-your-shoes-say-about-you/
http://www.eharmony.com/blog/what-do-your-shoes-say-about-you/#commentsWed, 27 Jun 2012 03:10:50 +0000http://advice1.prod.dc1.eharmony.com/blog/?p=11402Shoes are one of the most expensive and important pieces of clothing you put on every day. But what kind of message are you sending out with your choice in footwear? Read here to find out.

]]>Recently, I read a letter we received from a couple who was matched on eHarmony in Australia. The woman had written that after a little bit of communication, she decided to meet her match in person for a first date. When she met the guy though, she was disappointed with the way he was dressed, in cargo shorts and sandals. In spite of the shock of the first appearance, their date went great, and they are now engaged to be married.

This story made me think about how important first impressions can be, and what kinds of things can be telling so much about you without even knowing it. Some recent research was interested in how limited non-interaction indicators, namely shoes, can reveal certain characteristics about people. They found that observers, who were just shown pictures of people’s shoes, were able to accurately guess the person’s age, gender, and income, just based on a picture of their favorite kicks! What was even more interesting, these observers were also able to accurately estimate the person’s level of attachment anxiety.

A person who has a high level of attachment anxiety needs to be noticed and be the center of attention constantly. They need a strong level of reinforcement and are fearful of being abandoned. The researchers suggest that people with high levels of attachment anxiety will wear shoes that are eye-catching and expressive of their own personalities, which will make them stand out more to others and they will receive the attention that they crave. But most importantly, others can see through that! Observers knew those who wore flashy, expressive shoes were more anxious in their attachments.

So before putting on your favorite shoes while getting ready for a date, you might want to keep in mind what kinds of things your shoes might be saying about you.

What are your favorite shoes to wear on a date? What do you think they say about you?

]]>http://www.eharmony.com/blog/what-do-your-shoes-say-about-you/feed/2No More Mister Nice Guy: A Guide to Attracting Partnershttp://www.eharmony.com/blog/no-more-mister-nice-guy-a-guide-to-attracting-partners/
http://www.eharmony.com/blog/no-more-mister-nice-guy-a-guide-to-attracting-partners/#commentsWed, 06 Jun 2012 02:26:02 +0000http://advice1.prod.dc1.eharmony.com/blog/?p=11277Everyone is looking for someone who understands them and is responsive to their needs. But is that necessarily true when looking at potential dates? Read here to find out more and how to apply this valuable advice to your dating life.

]]>“Nice guys finish last.” It’s pretty likely you’ve heard this saying a few times before, but is it really true? Why is it that most people say they want someone who tends to their needs, but usually end up going for the exact opposite, like a bad boy. Do nice guys really finish last, and not get the girl? And what about nice girls?

A recent study looked into the relationship between a person’s responsiveness to the feelings and needs of another and the amount of initial attraction felt towards that person, and found that overall, a responsive potential partner is more sexually desirable than an unresponsive partner.

However, when comparing the attraction to a responsive potential partner between men and women, the researchers found a key difference: men found responsive potential partners to be more sexually desirable, whereas women found responsive potential partners to actually be less sexually desirable. So although everyone says they want a partner who understands and takes care of them, this isn’t necessarily true in the periods of initial attraction for women. But what can these findings do for your dating life?

Women: Be as kind as you can be to men. But be sure you know what you’re saying with your kindness and responsiveness. Men respond to it in a much different way than you do. When men see your kindness and how responsive you are to them and their feelings, they can see it as a sign you want to be with them and eventually sleep with them. If you’ve been crushing on a certain man in your life, show them how supportive and responsive you can be to them and their feelings and maybe they’ll see you in a different light.

Men: It’s great that you consider yourself “a nice guy” and sensitive to a woman’s needs. Seriously, keep that up or even work on strengthening it. But, according to this study, don’t show that to a woman right off the bat. Women do want to end up with a guy like you, but they’re not going to be sexually attracted to you right away. Women could be mistaking your initial kindness and responsiveness for some type of ploy to get them into bed or even as desperation. Try waiting just a bit to show them how attentive to their needs you can be. Nice guys do end up winning, just not at first.

There has been plenty of research in the past showing that couples who are more responsive to one another are the most satisfied and strongest couples. Being attentive to another’s feelings and needs is definitely an important part of a relationship and should be something you strive to be able to do for someone, just know how to use it in attracting potential dates.

]]>http://www.eharmony.com/blog/no-more-mister-nice-guy-a-guide-to-attracting-partners/feed/0Touch, relationships and public displays of affectionhttp://www.eharmony.com/blog/touch-relationships-and-public-displays-of-affection/
http://www.eharmony.com/blog/touch-relationships-and-public-displays-of-affection/#commentsTue, 03 Jan 2012 22:42:09 +0000http://www.advice.eharmony.com/blog/?p=10410Touching is tied to several components of a healthy relationship. It is so influential that even watching someone being touched can cause the same reaction as if we were touched ourselves. At what point in your relationship do you consider public displays of affection acceptable?

Physical contact can be so powerful that it can cause us to view people as more favorable, even if we don’t remember being touched by them. We are more likely to tip more, buy products, oblige favors, and feel comfort if we are touched during these situations- however slight it may be. Touch is fundamental to how we understand the world, and even provides us our first lessons in loving through cuddling we receive as newborns. New research shows that it is so influential that even watching someone being touched can cause the same reaction as if we were touched ourselves.

Researchers from Sweden recently looked at how the brain processes sensual contact. Participants underwent MRI scans while their arms were stroked with a brush. The brain responded in a region specific for social interactions and strongest when the stroke was slow (like a caress). Surprisingly, volunteers that were instructed to watch videos of people having their arms being caressed had the same kind of brain activation. They concluded not only that the brain is able to distinguish sensual touch from other kinds of (nonromantic) touch, but also that watching sensual skin contact can make observers experience the emotional meaning of the touch without actually feeling the touch directly.

How does touch function in dating relationships?

Touching is tied to several components of healthy relationship functioning. It is used in a variety of ways: to communicate affiliation in courtship, symbolize commitment, initiate physical intimacy or provide emotional comfort (to name a few). In can also affect our health and stress level: those who report a history of receiving hugs often from their partner have lower blood pressure than those without that same history. Those that are aversive to touch have been linked to high levels of neuroticism, poor interpersonal skills, and lower self-esteem. Individuals who are uncomfortable engaging in touching may also have trouble communicating their emotions.

The research above looks at social, sensual contact that is not overtly sexual. Considering that the effects of watching some romantic behavior can activate the brain the same way as participating in the behavior, when would the bystanders most often see this kind of touching? One way is through public displays of affection. Are their certain stages of a relationship were public touch is more prevalent? Previous research has found that couples who were in the intermediate stages of a relationship (committed, marriage bound but not yet married) were more likely to show their affection publicly than those who were dating casually or already married. This usually amounted to more displays that communicated commitment, not necessarily necking or heavy petting (so that obnoxious couple at the table next to you making out profusely is not the kind we are talking about here). Surprisingly, all forms of touch (both public and private) increases through each stage of a relationship until marriage, after which perceptions of touch drop. Men- but not women- perceive that their partner touched them less after they were married than when they were dating.

What happens to you when you see a public display of affection? Do you get tense and resentful and maybe say “Get a room!”, or do you smile sheepishly, feeling more relaxed and somewhat nostalgic, as if you too have received a physical touch of affection? At what point in your relationship do you consider public displays of affection acceptable?