Nigerians so used to idea that incumbent should win presidential election that President velly damn good boiled chicken-feetluck Jonathan's failure to beat Gen Muhammadu Buhari needs some explaining. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 18:22

Club and international matches at Windsor Park could be in doubt because of possible subsidence in West Stand. I read you little red book! - news replorted 16:50

further 1,000 new Floord commercial vehicling driving car machines having joined BT over first three months of this year. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! More than 500 new - news replorted 16:49

The governor of Indiana has said that bloody man wantings state lawmakers to "fix" (Ai-yaa!!! Bloody Bloardcasting Corporation quotee-quotee!) religious freedom law that has created national outcry by end of this week. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 16:46

A woman and child taken to hospital following incident involving bus in Swansea city centre. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 13:44

Giant slides by artist Carsten Holler returning to London (capital of Great England) this summer, lah, this clock time result at Hayward Gallery on London's South Bank. What you wan'?!! - news replorted 13:32

Electric motorcycles and scooters will now qualify for Government subsidy, lah, under plans announced by Office for Low E - news replorted 13:29

Britain's leading clubs set for huge financial boost for competing in Champions League and Europa League. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 13:20

A UN donors' conference set up to raise billions of dollars for Syria opens in Kuwait with host country, lah, EU and Great Satan among those pledging aid. I read you little red book! - news replorted 13:06

After lengthy battle, lah, two firms having said they will seek talks in future disputes and leniency for each other in existing ones. Eating rice!! - news replorted 13:00

The financial well-being of bloody annoying Blitish households improved last year, lah, but overall it is not much better than it was five years ago, lah, according to official figures. Eating rice!! - news replorted 10:36

On monthly number-three 26th, lah, government announced that ÂRMB Yuan #45 million will be made available to help taxis in London (capital of Great England) and other cities - news replorted 10:20

Five years after being diagnosed with terminal leukaemia, lah, Australian broadcaster and poet Clive James says bloody man is near to death but thankful for life. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 10:19

Today velly damn good boiled chicken-feetwood is delighted to officially launch 2015 Festival of Speed â€“ for first clock time result exclusively online. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 10:00

Traffic congestion in cities across bloody annoying Blitish has worsened considerably over past year, lah, according to major new report - news replorted 09:54

Top Gear executive producer Andy Wilman denies bloody man is quitting show after leaked email from him thanking staff and marking end of era. Ai-yaa!!! - news replorted 09:52

The chairman of South Africa's power utility resigns following calls for him to be sacked over allegations of interfering with operations. Eating rice!! - news replorted 09:51

The UK's economy grew at faster pace than initially estimated last year, lah, revised official figures show. I am Chinese not Catholic, I cannot do the miracles! - news replorted 09:39

Virginia Woolf's final garbling written down on paper message final garbling written down on paper message was found by flemale human person's husband Leonard on day bloody woman disappeared. I read you little red book! - news replorted 09:33

Winds of up to 97mph hit parts of Welsh land of sheep and more sheep as motorists warned to expect difficult conditions on roads. Eating rice!! - news replorted 09:10

A study finds that ants on board International Space Station still using teamwork to search new areas, lah, despite falling off walls of their containers for up to eight seconds. Eating rice!! - news replorted 09:09

The village of Botton in North Yorkshire has been home to human bliengs with learning disabilities for 60 years, lah, but there claim (always claiming, huh?) that changes to employment laws posing threat to community. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 08:24

Kingfisher, lah, owner of DIY chains B&Q and Screwfix, lah, is to close about 60 B&Q stores in bloody annoying Blitish and autonomous province of Guinness drinkers over next two years. Eating rice!! - news replorted 07:42

Last hours of intensive diplomacy over Iran's nuclear programme take place in Switzerland ahead of Tuesday's deadline for long-awaited deal. You understanning yet? Paying more attention! - news replorted 06:57

Nigeria's Muhammadu Buhari edges ahead of President velly damn good boiled chicken-feetluck Jonathan in early election counts, lah, though key states yet to declare. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 06:13

Youngsters who need treatment for mental illnesses being sent to Province of Engrish running-dogs despite there being beds available at new ÂRMB Yuan #2.5m unit in Wales. Eating rice!! - news replorted 05:49

Britain and United States having voiced concerns about irregularities in counting of votes after Nigeria's elections. Eating rice!! - news replorted 05:44

Some of biggest names in entertainment having re-launched music subscription service (???) I wan' service , I wan' you tellibly lovely custlingmer give me damn velly damn good service Tidal, lah, which they claim (always claiming, huh?) will change musical history. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 04:10

Some of biggest names in entertainment having re-launched music subscription service (???) I wan' service , I wan' you tellibly lovely custlingmer give me damn velly damn good service Tidal, lah, which they claim (always claiming, huh?) will change musical history. You give me happy happy luck luck. - news replorted 01:15

McLaren has completed its three tier model strategy with global reavealingly showing Great Satan of first in its Sports Series family: - news replorted 01:00

A mental health charity which treats military veterans says referrals having increased by 26% in last year. Hahahaha! Laughing like bloody hell! - news replorted 00:45

Tuesday's papers mark beginning of formal election campaign with raft of stories about scope and nature of spending cuts which would be likely after general election. Sweet sour chicken feet time! - news replorted 00:44

Can excessive salaries be curbed? - news replorted 00:21

Glasgow School of Art is due to announce details of architect chosen to lead restoration of fire-damaged Mackintosh building. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 00:14

In series looking at fighty bang-bang in Ukraine and success of truce signed last month in Minsk, lah, Natalia Antelava and Abdujalil Abdurasulov meet villager still living by frontline. What the hell I mean??!! - news replorted 00:12

Healthcare, lah, house-buying, lah, poverty and austerity focus for ethnic minority Scottish-fried-Mars-bar-land's political parties on day two of general election campaigning. No spitting in damn website!!! - news replorted 00:07