Introduction

Hey. I'm amazed you've stopped to take a peak! I'm sorry to say that my blog is full of negative, atrociously positive, philosophical, or otherwise stupid posts concerning my thoughts, feelings, and every day life. But what the hell! If you think it's great, then I think you're great. Got it?

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Apr 24, 2013

I know it's not adequate and that it is untrue, but the feelings of minority and inferiority have been pressing and pressing down on me lately. I think it's the fact that Kaeli and I put ourselves in the company of males. Thus, many many dicks.

And it's that confidence each boy has in their dick that leads to my feelings of uncertainty.

The Gays (Now a band of homosexuals consisting of Panda, Junior, and Bray Bray rightly named by me myself and I) don't fail to express their obvious distaste in woman reproduction. Breasts, va-jay-jays, and 'holes' are utterly forbidden to them, or at least, nearly, unless they want to take the time to talk about how disgusting they are.

I hope I don't sound too dramatic when I say that it's starting to get old and insulting?

The straight guys can't stop talking about how big their penises are. It's only natural for a guy! I don't expect anything less. And even though they're straight and appreciate women and their lady parts, they still somehow manage to come across as superior BECAUSE they have dicks. It's like being a women means one of two things: pleasure straight guys with their parts, and have babies.

Now, I don't mean to be a hardcore feminist. I know other women who are much more feminist than I am. In fact, I barely believe in it. I don't care about guys not hitting girls. If the girl pissed him off, he has a right to throw a curve ball. Women are just as strong as men are. We endure pain much better than men. Of course, that doesn't mean a guy can continuously slap a girl when she's doing nothing wrong, nor would I condone treating her as he would treat his guy friends. She's still a female, and still deserving of respect and love that a guy has to offer. Otherwise...where's the relationship? I know it wouldn't be fun for her, even if it is fun for the dude.

I've made these observations as I live the lifestyle I've chosen for myself. When I was under the Mormon influence, I was shown what brainwashed, respectable men offer as being gentleman, but nothing about sex. Now that I have seen sex, had sex, understand sex, and live with people who have had sex or are surrounded by it themselves, I've noticed little things or tendencies that I've only ever believed to be in the gritty gang movies. I can deal with it. I'm not complaining, per se. I'm just noticing, and pointing out the fact that I have noticed. This is how it is, and how it will always be. Of course, every girl wishes for a gentleman, and some might not get him, but that's because they made a mistake or aren't trying hard enough.

But really. There's only so many to go around, and their standards a bit higher than your own.

Those are just the most gentle of gentlemen, though. I've found myself a fairly respectable boyfriend. He has his issues sometimes, but he's only a guy, and I have a mind that I can use to speak out against him if he starts to piss me off. (Women, that's something you need more of, rather than letting some guy abuse you. Just saying.)

Apr 16, 2013

And when I say, "feel" I mean how my emotions are affecting my outward display to other people. I've been very sporadic, bipolar with my moods, one could say. One moment I'm incredibly happy because I'm with him, and the next I've fallen on my face in depression, not wanting to do anything or go anywhere.

This depression, as I've mentioned before in earlier posts, really doesn't have a root. It's just a buildup of things that have bothered me over time, and even though I've talked about them with other people, or I've solved them somewhere along the road, they still affect me like I've never felt before.

I feel that it's reared its ugly head recently because of the incidents from the past few weeks. Not to sound like I'm trying to beat other people's crappy lives with my own, but it's the worst that's happened to me ever.

For one thing, there have been two suicides within the past two weeks. One was a girl in American Fork that I honestly didn't know. I barely knew of the incident, thanks to Alex who sits across from me at my chemistry table. The other was a boy named Josh Garlick. I knew him. We had German together for two years. Dean always called him Bieber because of how he wore his hair. He seemed like he had a lot of friends, though I was never one to call him a friend because I didn't talk to him very much. Though I didn't know him, personally, I'm still having issues with this suicide, because I just don't know why he would do it. In my mind, all I can see over and over is the image of him committing the suicide, and I can't stop it. I don't know why. It's really hard to see all those affected at the school too. I have a problem with seeing my friends in pain for something that's happened. Katie has taken it pretty hard and it rips me up inside. I just don't know what to say to her...

Also, within the same two weeks, a murder was committed in American Fork as well. This one is closer to me, more touchy, because it was my boyfriend's nephew that was shot at five months old by his father. For a week Payden has been depressed. He still is, I suppose, but he doesn't let his friends see it. I can see it, sometimes. He has had so many bad things happen to him, and seeing this affect him has been the number one contributor to my feelings of sadness and hardship. Upon meeting more of his family at the funeral, I've begun to feel a real connection, and then it really is hard.

The Boston Marathon bombing is a given. That's just crappy all over. And to think my Almond almost went there to run a marathon...her life could have been so endangered...

My Grandpa More (Great Grandfather) is in the hospital, on his deathbed pretty much. I fear there's going to be another funeral to go to soon. I'm trying not to think too much in depth what this means. He was old, time for him to go, but still. He was my favorite grandfather. I sat on his lap whenever i could when I was a little girl. I loved him a lot. But the older I got, the older he got, we soon lost a connection we shared earlier, and all I saw in him was a suffering and forgetful old man who couldn't hear half of what I said. I hardly knew what to talk to him about anymore.

But he's still dying.

There are other stressing family problems going on too. Adoption crap is trying to be arranged, my mom's parents are taking in one of their grandparents, and it's all a big mess. I'm sure family gatherings are going to be a little rueful and difficult from now on.

Rachel's going on a mission soon. For a year and a half. I mean, it's not super long, but it's long, and I'm going to miss her so much!

And honestly, this isn't even that bad. Not really. Not compared to other people's lives. Payden's is far worse than mine, and it's so sad to think about...

I went fourwheeling for the first time on Sunday. So that is a major plus. I mean, who could say their lives have been bad after fourwheeling with her boyfriend's family, AND being liked by them? Pretty good. I don't know what my problem is.

Meet Me

You should Know...

I have a lot of inspirations and motivations, and I've listed them before. The problem is that they change a lot. One minute I want to be a doctor, the other I want to skip school entirely and travel the world. I'm unpredictable, I'm restless, I'm a Sagittarius. What can you do?

There's no way around the excruciating pain of living an ordinary life. Most days I just breathe and do what I am expected to do. There&...

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.- Oscar Wilde

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We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.-Anais Nin

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"If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all."- Oscar Wilde

"He who stands for nothing will fall for anything."- Alexander Hamilton

"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."- Jack Handey