Football jerseys are never out of fashion

January 06, 2013|Tony Gabriele | Get Serious!

As we prepare to watch a new season of PBS's "Downton Abbey," that recreation of an era when men "dressed for dinner"— no, that doesn't mean they finally put their pants on — some of you are no doubt wondering:

What's the latest in the wonderful world of men's fashions for 2013?

I was wondering myself, so I called on an expert: Mr. Dude, the internationally renowned authority on stuff guys wear.

Tell me, Mr. Dude, I asked, what does the fashionable man of today wear when he wants to impress people with his sartorial savvy? Does he take inspiration from the dressed-to-the-nines gents of "Downtown Abbey"? What would he wear, should he sit down to a swanky dinner in a George IV dining room filled with Louis XVI furniture?

"Of course. For the average American man today, wearing the imitation apparel of a sports star is the height of fashion."

Why is that, do you think?

"Have you seen the average American man today? He eats too much fatty food and doesn't get enough exercise, so he doesn't look like an athlete at all. No, he's definitely getting on the tubby side."

I wish you wouldn't stare at me while you say that. And that's why he wears sports gear?

"If you're an unathletic slob, " Mr. Dude continued, " you want to wear something that makes you feel athletic. Like you're a part of the football team, even if you're not in good enough shape to be the water boy."

True, the Redskins quarterback's jersey is a popular item.

"Part of the appeal is that Mr. Griffin's uniform number is 10. You put that on and you're proclaiming that your appearance is a 'perfect 10.' Even though the jersey is being stretched out wide by your pot belly."

I never thought of that. But I grew up in an era when being well dressed meant, at the very least, shined shoes, dress slacks, a sports jacket and tie.

"Nowadays, that's reserved for the most formal and solemn of occasions. Namely, job interviews," said Mr. Dude. "Although I must note that you are the first man whom I have heard refer to wearing 'slacks' since 1972."

I am really out of it, I confessed. So is there any fashion news about men's pants?

"They remain at traditional shoe-top length, for the time being. But as ocean levels rise in the future, they may become shorter, to keep the cuffs dry."

How about hats? Is there any alternative nowadays to the universally-worn ball cap?

"Mr. Dude would love to see a return to the elegant, Humphrey Bogart-style snap-brim fedora. But there is a problem. When you try to pull your hoodie up over one, it looks silly."

Isn't there anything happening on the cutting edge of men's fashion? In women's fashions, there's often a great to-do about hemlines and necklines going up or down. Anything like that for men?

"Actually, there is. In my Mr. Dude's Spring 2013 Fashion Line for Regular Guys, I will make a major fashion pronouncement about butt crack exposure."

Butt crack exposure?

"As you know, your typical male engaged in manly pursuits, such as those that require the wearing of a tool belt, characteristically exposes a small portion of the cleft of the buttocks when he bends over and his pants slide slightly down."

It is a time-honored male tradition. Is this covered by a fashion rule?

"Indeed. Connoisseurs of real men's fashions have agreed that the stylish working man should expose no more than three quarters of an inch worth of butt crack. But in this era of more flamboyant fashion, I have decided to make a daring decree: Beginning with the spring yard-work season, men will be permitted to reveal one full inch of cleavage."

Well, I'm glad you are alerting the media. Do you have any personal fashion advice for me?

"For a person of your age and conservative tastes, I would give the time-honored advice: Study the films of the great Fred Astaire, the all-time champion of impeccable dress, then go and do likewise."

That might be beyond my haberdashery budget, Mr. Dude. Besides, I don't think they sell spats any more at Sears. Any simpler advice?

"Do something about that tomato-sauce stain on your shirt. Oh, and try to be more careful when you bend over."

You mean …

"I'm sorry, sir, but even in these permissive times, one and one-quarter inches is just not acceptable."