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Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Grandad

The day I wrote my last post was the day my Grandad died. The two and a half weeks since then have been pretty hard, but, as I am wont to do, I have been getting through things with varying degrees of success (read: I can get through work fine, but my dissertation may as well not even exist). In one sense, I haven't even let it hit me yet, because Sundays were always Grandad days, but I have been busy the last couple of Sundays (and will be for the next one) so it's like nothing has changed yet even though everything has.

I know everyone thinks their Grandad was the best Grandad, but mine actually was. My dad's dad died when I was 8, and even though I loved him (he was really funny and lovely) the relationship you can have with someone when you're 8 is not the relationship you can have with someone when you're 26, and so my mum's dad has been most of my Grandad experience. And he was not only the best Grandad, but literally one of the best people ever. All the sympathy cards my mum and auntie have gotten have described him as lovely, and gentle, and never having a bad word to say about anyone, and it's all so true. Until we lost him, I never really thought about why I loved him, but all of those are excellent reasons. He was the kindest, the loveliest, the bestest. And I really really miss him.

After my nan died at the end of 2013, I didn't know how we were going to make it through, but one thing that helped was going to see my Grandad with my mum and hearing all of his stories, helping him get to bed, just appreciating his being there and being alive. When my other nan died at the start of this year, I didn't know how we were going to make it through, but again, having my Grandad there to love and cherish and be excellent really helped. This time, (and, after having lost all three remaining grandparents in 17 months, I really need to talk to whoever is in charge because this shit is clearly unfair) I don't really know how I'm going to make it through, just that I will because I have before and because, well. I have all of them with me and god, I couldn't have asked for better people to have provided a foundation for my personality. My dad wasn't wrong when he said the other week that I couldn't have found better grandparents, and even though that makes it a thousand times harder to lose them, it makes me a thousand times luckier to have had them in the first place.

There are some things I can't even think about right now (my Grandad's house is going to have to be sold and with it my entire childhood, really) and there are some things I don't even want to do (I'm going to view his body later today, and the funeral is tomorrow) but, as always, I am turning to things that are most likely to comfort me. I comfort read Attachments the other week, I'm watching a ton of TV (I've been watching Game of Thrones for about two weeks and I'm already on season 3! It's not very comforting but it sure as hell is distracting) and, as always, I've turned to Harry Potter for some real comfort. Because, you know, this:

" 'You think the dead we have loved ever truly leave us? You think that we don't recall them more clearly than ever in times of great trouble?' "

Of course we do. I am about 80% the product of my grandparents, and about 5000% of me is filled with love for them right now. I will never be anyone's granddaughter again, but really, I always will be. I freaking love and miss those guys so much, and, at the moment, my Grandad most of all.

4 comments:

I'm so sorry. My boyfriend just lost his mother, she had a stroke a month or so before your grandad - it's a horrible time I know, and I know you've got a lot to get through. It's a horrible loss. Take care xx