WASHINGTON -- The FBI and the DEA held a press conference today to remind Americans that in spite of widespread availability and use, as well as little or no enforcement, possession and consumption of marijuana is still illegal.

"Really, we're not kidding," said Richard Aminsten, director of the FBI. "Nobody's changed any laws so that marijuana is now legal for sale or use. So, technically, you can still be arrested for it and go to jail."

Constant exposure to marijuana in colleges, workplaces, parks, hospitals, private homes, petting zoos, and other places have led many to believe that the narcotic has been approved for medical use, and therefore, like cough syrup, freely available for anyone to use at any time. Ads in the back pages of alternative weekly newspapers offering bogus "medical marijuana" I.D. cards have also confused many people.

"Huh?" asked noted stoner, Mark Plintz, who likes to get high with his pals pretty much every day. "That's way fucked up," he added, ten minutes later.

Pro-dope activist and NORML member, Ben "Skylight" Weathers, was quick to respond to the news. "Hey, man, the Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper, and after they were done with it, they smoked it, like the Indians in their peace pipes, which is why... and it's been proven to cure glaucoma."

When asked why law enforcement no longer seems to care about marijuana laws, a local cop, who preferred anonymity, even though his name is Mike Dennings, commented, "If I went after the dope smokers, I'd never have time in my day for anything else. It's not official policy, but we're like, as long as they're not killing anybody, who fucking cares?"

Scientific studies conducted since the 1970s have proven time and again that marijuana ruins people's lives, causes brain damage and cancer and braincancer, leaves users impotent and lethargic, and is a tool of Satan. Just say no.