Top tip for Manchester United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits
every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone
will immediately know which team you support.

Q. What do you get if you see a Manchester United fan buried up to his neck
in sand?

A. More sand.

Q. How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A. (I) Three. One to change the light bulb, one to buy the "1999 light
bulb changing" commemorative t-shirt and video, and one to drive the other
two back to Torquay.

A. (II) Who cares, so long as it comes out in 4 different versions (£49.99
each), and changes twice every season?

Q. Which three league teams have swear words in their names?

A. Scunthorpe United, Arsenal and f**king Manchester United.

One afternoon an elderly man turned up at the offices of a large Manchester
company.

"Good afternoon;" he said, "I'm Tony Collier's uncle. I've come
to ask if he can have the afternoon off so I can take him to the match."

"I'm afraid he's not here," came the reply, "We already gave
him the afternoon off so he could attend your funeral."

A man walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort
of thing women of a certain age like to put on the mantelpiece. He thinks, "that'll
be perfect for my mother-in-law's birthday," so he asks the shopkeeper how
much it is. "£10 for the rat, £100 for the story," replies
the man.

Skip the story, thinks the bloke, and takes the rat for the tenner. He walks
off down the road, but has not gone 20 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter
and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street
is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to
a cliff. He throws the brass prat over, and millions of rats follow, one after
the other, plunging to certain death. The bloke then runs back to the shop...

"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "I thought you'll be back for
the story". "Sod the story, where's the brass Manchester United fan?"