NFLPA president DeMaurice Smith released a statement addressing the NFL’s lack of action on this matter. Smith certainly has a point. Adam Silver’s punishment of Donald Sterling was awesome for many reasons – the severity of the punishment being the biggest – but it was also noteworthy how quickly he dropped the hammer. If Silver had waited and waited before doing anything significant about it, the eventual punishment would’ve been far less satisfying (admittedly, the growing anger of the players and the threat of a boycott kind of forced his hand). Even if Goodell eventually comes down with huge sanctions against Irsay, his stalling on this issue will still be a problem. It gives the message that the transgressions of owners are less of a concern than those of players – even when they are doing something that puts people’s lives in danger.

There’s a good chance we’re about to see Josh Gordon miss an entire season for smoking weed. Quite frankly, this would be a painfully stupid development regardless of what happens to Irsay, but the inaction here exacerbates the problem significantly. If we see a player lose a year of their career for doing something which did not give him any advantage over his fellow players, or put anyone at risk in anyway, while a drunk-driving owner gets off with a slap on the wrist, it’ll be a really bad look for the league, and Goodell in particular, giving off the message that those with the most power will ultimately be shielded (heh) from any real consequences.

In the past, Goodell has come down strongly on DUI offenders, suspending Donte Stallworth for the entire 2009 season after a drunk driving incident in which a pedestrian was killed. Irsay’s drunk driving ultimately did not result in the loss of any lives, but the possibility of that happening was still there. If Irsay isn’t held to the same standard that a player committing the same offense would be, Goodell is going to look like a hypocrite… moreso.

Of course, Goodell could always shield himself from accusations of a bias towards owners by pointing out that he still hasn’t done jack shit about Ray Rice, either.

The fine men and other men at SportsNationESPN put together a compilation of the best sports vines of all time, and it’s exactly the kind of thing to get you through a Wednesday afternoon intact. Highlights include:

– That time Donte Stallworth sang Lee Greenwood on the back of a golf cart
– Mad TV’s Will Sasso (who still exists) talking to pictures of Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage
– Kobe Bryant’s leet high-diving skills
– tons and tons of trick shots
– people going BLEARGGHHHHHH at the end of every single one of those trick shots
– mascot bowling
– Andrew Hawkins humiliating a toddler on the basketball court
– Shaq chicanery

And so much more.

If you aren’t familiar with Vine, it’s a social media service that allows you to tell jokes or film exceptional things in a way that makes the viewer feel like they’re having a stroke. Enjoy!

And for the record, when it comes to sports-related Vines, this is still my favorite:

The NFL Players Association has added a line of LGBT Pride vintage t-shirts to their One Team Store, featuring Scott Fujita, Chris Gocong, Terrell Suggs, Donte Stallworth and more. They should appeal to anyone tolerant who loves football, gay rights or neon signs from the 1970s. They may or may not have been designed by The Electric Company.

Here’s the official statement, in the product description of each shirt:

Show your support for Pride Month with this Chris Kluwe LGBT Pride Vintage T-shirt. Featuring a screen-printed NFLPA Pride logo on the front and a rainbow jersey number on the back, this LGBT Pride T-Shirt is a great way to show support during Pride Month. A portion of the proceeds from each sale go to Athlete Ally, a leading nonprofit resource dedicated to teaching all individuals involved in sports to respect every community member, regardless of perceived or actual sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression.

It would’ve been nice to see them work the Q in there (people are always leaving off the Q … the Q is important), but NFLPA LGBT T is already a shitload of letters, so I understand.

My only other complaint (besides the fact that I feel like I should go rollerskating beneath these shirts) is the hashtag on the front. Man, I get that you want to be “with it” or whatever and incorporate social media onto your t-shirt design, but you should never put hashtags on a shirt. Remember a few years ago when we didn’t hashtag ANYTHING? Remember the last 10 years of social media, where nothing stays on top and we change directions as soon as the next cool thing comes along? People are already trying to work Vine videos onto t-shirts, the last thing you wanna do is hashtag something. In 10 years people are gonna be like, “what the f**k does ‘number pride’ mean?”

Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari had their wedding ceremony in Nashville over the weekend. The Daily Mail came through with photos, which is helpful for the all-important task of laughing at things Cutty does. Some folks have been gagging on Cutler for having a one-day growth of face scruff at his wedding, but I have a hard time mocking him for that, and it doesn’t take much for me to laugh at Cutler. Honestly, that’s more or less his regular look. So I’ll just go with the old standby of putting captions over stupid faces.

— Roger Goodell sent a reply to the two percent of Congress that a strongly worded letter to Dan Snyder asking him to change the Redskins’ name. The short version: “Sorry you’re offended, but until a majority of Americans are, I ain’t doing sh*t. Now suck it and watch me do a set of squat cleans.”

— Tony Romo told assembled members of the media that they don’t matter, which is true and admirable. Nevertheless, this will only result in double Romo trolling when things inevitably fall apart at the end of this season.

— Darren Sharper making runs at cougars in the gym. Isn’t Darren Sharper 37 years old? Afraid you’ve aged out of the cougar market, champ.

— The NFLPA is releasing a LGBT-friendly clothing line. Surprisngly, Mike Wallace and Chris Culliver aren’t among the available player numbers you get on the back of the One Team Pride shirt, though Terrell Suggs was a little unexpected.

— DeSean Jackson is tired of the indecision and would like to know right now who will be the Eagles starting quarterback. Possibly so he knows who to apologize in advance to for drive-killing 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalties.

Wide receiver Donte’ Stallworth suffered severe burns when the hot air balloon carrying him and two other passengers crashed into power lines over Homestead Saturday morning. Two people from the accident were airlifted to Kendall Regional Medical Center’s trauma center and are in stable condition according to WTVJ NBC 6 in Miami. ESPN Boston’s Mike Reiss first broke the story on Twitter, identifying the other injured party as Stallworth’s girlfriend.

Unlike NFL.com, I will not be wishing Stallworth a quick recovery as I still find it incredible he didn’t spend the full 30 days of his DUI manslaughter conviction in jail. Considering what a light sentence he received, six more days in the hoosegow wouldn’t have been unreasonable. (One could even argue that taking a taxi seems more logical than a hot air balloon, no matter how sick of Yellow Cab he may have grown over the past three years since his Florida driver’s license was suspended.) I do however wish his girlfriend a speedy recovery and hope she suffers no long term effects from the accident.

Another fine example of why Peter King is afraid to have fully formed opinions about things. On Monday morning, he proclaimed that Texans-Patriots would rank as one of the great Monday night games. Instead, it was an unexceptional blowout. That’s all right. I’m sure Jets-Titans will be the game that totally redeems the slew of awful MNF games this year.

What we’re left with is the impression that the Broncos and Patriots creeps inexorably toward a meeting in late January. Granted, that should result in better showings than we saw out of the Texans on Monday night, but I really can’t bear the hype that would surround yet another Manning-Brady playoff game.

For now, let’s put that ugliness out of our minds and relive what few moments were worthwhile about the Pats rolling the Texans.

Not only has been been a recent profusion of buttfumbles, but there’s been a spate of fumbledowns in prime time as well. Perhaps it’s a more positive companion derp for the buttfumble. RGIII and the Redskins got one on Monday night the week before and the Patriots lucked their way into one last night. In fact, Houston forced New England to fumble twice in the red zone and couldn’t fall on either one. Both times, the Patriots scored on that play or the play thereafter. With the extent of the blowout, a different outcome on those plays wouldn’t have swung the result. Given the choice, I’d rather the Patriots run through all their fumble luck now while it’s still the regular season. Of course, that assumes there is such a choice (there isn’t) and that things like fumble luck (which don’t actually exist) are also portioned out in a fair way (they aren’t). But it’s a comforting fantasy to entertain.

Oh hey, Texans receiver, you didn’t need those vertebrae anyway. Matt Schaub must also really buy into the Houston hydra joke. So much that he’s willing to get his receivers killed to see if one grows back in its place.

I imagine that would be a fun landing if the Patriots had dug a swimming pool inside the five-yard line. Such as it was, it was probably less fun than that.

It still amazes me every time Tom Brady takes a hard hit and a great deluge of flags doesn’t ensue. I’ll give the refs credit on Monday night. Brady actually took a few shots and didn’t get any ridiculous penalties. Not that he wasn’t getting in the ref’s face and lobbying for them.

Leave to Donte Stallworth to wait until the week after an NFL player kills someone driving drunk to return and score a touchdown. It seemed for a few minutes that no one on air would mention the connection, but Tirico eventually did. Either way, I assume the Pats signed Stallworth as a cautionary tale for Gronk more than anything.

Not really much to this. I just like that it looks like Welker explodes from this angle when he drops the pass. Hee hee! Blow up again!

Soundtracks kicked off with a clip of Vincent Jackson telling a team trainer that he leads the league in hydration. Which is funny because it gibes with KSK inside jokes about Peter King, but also instills fear that perhaps it isn’t just Peter King. Does everyone in the NFL speak using the same horrible cliches. The answer, of course, is yes and kill me.

John Elways Teeth

I think Tom Brady should grow a beard… and get some TSuggs dentures.

irishda

I’m not at all surprised that the Patriots have a “touchdown” audible.

Feklhr

They better hope it doesn’t start snowing, Brady won’t be able to see his receivers!

Old School Zero

OH BOY TOYOTATHON!
/runs out the door, cash in hand

Believelander

Bill Belichick: master of using a time out to avoid a 5 yard defensive penalty in non-critical situation 1 minute into game.

William Charles Schneider

“Gary Kubiak knows how to treat a workhorse!”
/Foster is shot on the field

H Cuz

A thousand people in Texas just went to the attic to dig up their old Cowboys merch.

theone32123

I heard his vertebrae crack on that hit and my TV is muted.

Gordon Bombedbay

THIS GUY AQIB TALIB, I CALL HIM BLUE BALLS BECAUSE HE KNOWS HOW TO FRUSTRATE A JOHNSON.

Guns Dont Kill People

HOW ABOUT THIS DONTE STALLWORTH? THIS GUY CAN RUN OVER ANYBODY!!!

Gordon Bombedbay

THIS GUY MAYO I CALL HIM THE UNIBOMBER BECAUSE HIS PACKAGES ARE ACTIVATED.

phreshone

Looks like we may never get that Matt Ryan vs. Matt Schaub Super Bowl we’ve all been waiting for

]]>http://uproxx.com/webculture/the-best-moments-from-texans-patriots/feed/39kissingsuzykolberbradypointbradymaskfumbledownwrbendcaseyflydreamdownbradyrefstallwelkshotvjaxhydrationbradybeardAthletes Take To Twitter For The Great East Coast Earthquake Of 2011http://uproxx.com/sports/athletes-take-to-twitter-for-the-great-east-coast-earthquake-of-2011/
http://uproxx.com/sports/athletes-take-to-twitter-for-the-great-east-coast-earthquake-of-2011/#commentsWed, 24 Aug 2011 15:30:03 +0000http://withleather.uproxx.com/?p=63730Unless you’re still locked away in your fallout shelter, you already know that yesterday’s 5.9 earthquake in Virginia wasn’t very much to worry about. Sure, us hurricane-loving, proper-time-zone-having East Coast simple folk only know tremors as a delightful Kevin Bacon film about giant worms. So you left coasters will have to forgive us when an earthquake actually strikes our neck of the States and we act a little shocked. And laugh all you want, but just wait until I send some Floridians out your way to register as California voters. Who will be laughing then?
As usual, some professional athletes took to their Twitter accounts to express their hysteria and/or indifference at yesterday’s earthquake, which reportedly reached New York and Pennsylvania. Sadly, our favorite usual suspects like Chad Ochocinco, Jose Canseco, and the Iron Sheik were mum on the quake. But some new faces – mostly athletes from the Washington D.C. area – stepped up and added their own interesting commentary on the matters. Thankfully, none of them blamed it on gay marriage.
(Hat tip to SB Nation and NBC Washington.)
Neild is one of the many hilarious people who set his Twitter font as white so you have to highlight it to read what he Tweeted. HA! HILARIOUS!
Espinosa, of course, had a hot month of June for fantasy baseball owners, so much so that he made me believe that it was time to trade off Dan Uggla and call him a hopeless waste of a draft pick. I was totally right and there is nothing you could say to change my mind, especially anything about a 33-game hitting streak. Nope. Nothing.
As a testament to my knowledge of hockey, I had to make sure that the NFL John Carlson wasn’t playing a joke on us.
LOL Hysteria is hysterical!
Where else does she work to have money?
I think if we’ve learned anything, it’s that the Redskins have tough WRs. Terrible, tough WRs.
And the Chet Haze Twitter Speak Award goes to…
I just wanted to add this because it made me laugh.]]>http://uproxx.com/sports/athletes-take-to-twitter-for-the-great-east-coast-earthquake-of-2011/feed/10ashleyuproxxIn Terms Of Redemption, Stallworth Is Less Talked About Than Vickhttp://uproxx.com/sports/in-terms-of-redemption-stallworth-is-less-talked-about-than-vick/
http://uproxx.com/sports/in-terms-of-redemption-stallworth-is-less-talked-about-than-vick/#commentsWed, 29 Dec 2010 21:25:55 +0000http://withleather.uproxx.com/?p=44618As everyone knows by this point, the most popular tale of second chances this season in football was the one of Michael Vick, who was reinstated last season after going to prison for his involvement in a dog fighting ring and has become the starting quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles this season. The main theme for this story is “redemption,” as a player rose, fell, then rose again to become one of the most talked-about subplots of the NFL in 2010.

Another NFL player went through a similar journey, albeit not one as constantly publicized. Donte’ Stallworth, a wide receiver currently with the Baltimore Ravens, spent a year away from the NFL after hitting and killing a construction worker while driving under the influence of alcohol. Stallworth spent 24 days in jail and was suspended by Roger Goodell for a season, and the Cleveland Browns, the team who signed Stallworth, terminated his contract. He returned to the NFL this season with Baltimore on a one-year contract and despite breaking his foot in the preseason, was able to make the active roster and play. He hasn’t gotten the type of attention Vick has, however.

This week, Stallworth was awarded the Ed Block Courage award, something which is given to a player from each of the 32 teams in the NFL. The recipient of the award is decided by the players on the team. You could tell what the award meant to Stallworth from Aaron Wilson’s story.

Overshadowed, though, is what Stallworth did after it was clear he had accidentally killed a man with his car. He ordered his lawyers to accept a plea deal that convicted him of a felony even when evidence showed he had an excellent chance of being found innocent. He said Reyes’ death was enough of his fault that there shouldn’t be a trial and Reyes’ family shouldn’t have to sit in a courthouse and relive his death all over again.

“He did the right thing,” said Boucher, who has known Stallworth since his rookie year of 2002. “I’m more proud of him as a friend for the way he handled this than I was before this situation happened.”

…

“He could have taken 15 different approaches,” Boucher said. “He could have had people persuade him to take a more aggressive [defensive] position. He wouldn’t do that. He took responsibility.

“His biggest concern was for the gentleman’s daughter. He wanted [Reyes’] family to know he was remorseful.”

Over and over, members of Stallworth’s elite team of attorneys shouted at him to fight the charges. They said there was no way to prove who was at fault. Reyes, after all, dashed across a busy freeway to catch a bus near a green light that rarely turns red. There was other evidence, never released to the public, Boucher said, that the lawyers wanted to give that would aid Stallworth’s case. Still he said no.

“The irony,” said one of Stallworth’s attorneys, David Cornwell, “is that a lot of the media and public was angry with the deal that he took. And the thing they wanted, for him to go to trial, was the thing he was trying to avoid for the family.”

Allow me to say that I am not in any way condoning what Stallworth did. It was a horrible act of irresponsibility that cost an innocent man his life; however, Stallworth has done everything and more that he can to try and fix the damage he has done to the victim’s family. I feel that shouldn’t be overlooked.

My reasoning for the fact that Stallworth’s story has pretty much gone under the radar is due to the fact that he’s not producing at a very high level on the field. Vick has put up numbers and until Tuesday’s game against the Vikings, was being seriously considered as an MVP candidate. Stallworth’s stats are two receptions for 82 yards and four rushes for 30 yards in seven games. I’m just glad that despite the lack of productivity on Sunday nights, there’s still a way for Stallworth’s story to be recognized, and it’s good to see his teammates know that too.

The Ravens’ last-ditch play at the end of last night’s loss to the Falcons was derailed when T.J. Houshmandzadeh was amusingly side-swiped by Donte Stallworth, making his first appearance in a regular season game since that little bout of killing a person with his car. The announcers did their best to tiptoe around it, with Bob Papa mumbling about an incident with “a DUI, and someone was killed in Florida.” Why, he makes it sounds like they are barely connected happenings.

Anyway, I think I stumbled upon a fool-proof test of how the league might cull out its worst announcers. Simply get them to try to pronounce Haloti Ngata’s name. Terrible announcers can’t do it. Even after their colleagues have been doing it properly all game. Observe:

Dierdorf from Sunday:

Theismann from last night:

Make this quick test mandatory to enter a broadcast booth and we might even reduce commentary retardery by as much as nine-tenths of a percent. Huzzah!

Donte Stallworth: I would like to take the opportunity to thank Commissioner Goodell for reinstating me into the league following my one-year suspension. Even though that had been his prescribed punishment all along, I would like to think that I have demonstrated that I again ready and deserving of the right to play in the NFL. And thanks to the Baltimore Ravens for deciding to grant me another chance to play the game that I love and that is my life. It’s been a struggle dealing with the consequences of what happened. I can never fully undo the mistake that I made, but I can hope to lead the rest of my life honorably and admirably. And I hope I repay the faith the Ravens have shown me.

Agent: We’re gonna open up for questions, but Donte only has time for a few, so if you can keep them brief, please do so.

[Statute of limitations flies shut]

[Ray Lewis appears, looks for cameras before beginning to speak]

Ray Lewis: DONTE STALLWORTH, I AM WILL BE YA LIGHT! I WILL BE YA SHEPHERD! WOOOOOOO, BABY, YEAAAHHHHHH! THE LAWD PREACHES FORGIVENESS AND RAY-RAY PRACTICES WHAT HE PREACH!

[Spastic dance for 30 seconds]

Donte Stallworth: Oh hey, Ray. I look forward to –

Ray Lewis: NO SPEAKING! RAY HASN’T HYMNED YET!

[Ray recites a hymn]

Ray Lewis: THERE YOU GO! NOW YOU SPEAK!

Donte Stallworth: I, uh, I look forward to playing with you.

Ray Lewis: Shit yeah, you do. But Ray ain’t looking forward to playing with you. Not yet he ain’t. Not ’til you gone through Ray-Ray image rehab. In a few easy steps, I will change you from a man with a checkered past to an overhyped leader whose faults the media goes out of its way to ignore!

Donte Stallworth: Thanks, I…

Ray Lewis: NO TALKING! RAY IS STILL LEADING YOU!

First item of business, you see someone, you hand them a Bible. Before they even get a chance to speak, there had better damn sure be a Bible in their hand. This establishes you as a Man of God.

[Hands out Bibles to each reporter]

Next, you tell each person you give a Bible to how you gave a Bible to someone else, preferably someone they know. Like how I told all the media people I gave Ray Rice a Bible for Christmas.

[Tells each reporter how he gave Ray Rice a Bible for Christmas]

But only tell them once, or you cross the line from Man of God to zealot. ZEALOTS SCARE REPORTERS! THEY WRITE BAD THINGS ABOUT YOU IF YOU ARE ONE!

Next item: INVEST IN “BEST DAD” SHIRTS! NO MAN WHO IS A MAN OF GOD CAN AFFORD NOT TO BE A GOOD DAD! YOU WILL BE SEEN AS A HYPOCRITE! YEAH, BABY, WOOOOOOOO!

Donte Stallworth: I don’t have any kids.

Ray Lewis: Then you find a man with kids, stab that man, then become father to his kids. BUT YOU BETTER BE A GOOD DAD TO THEM! THAT IS KEY! AND THEN YOU GET SHIRTED UP!

Donte Stallworth: I don’t know if –

Ray Lewis: SHUT UP! STILL LEADING YOU!

Finally, you must get a new car. This one is not working well for your image.

You don’t see Ray-Ray carrying around a knife, do you? HELL NO! THAT WOULD BE STUPID! SO RAY-RAY KEEPS IT WELL CONCEALED!

Okay, now you may speak, my child.

Donte Stallworth: Thanks, Ray. I…

Ray Lewis: [To reporters] YOU SAW HOW I LED THAT MAN?! I TEND TO MY FLOCK! WELCOME INTO MY FLOCK, DONTE STALLWORTH! MY FLOCK IS FULL OF KILLER SHEEP! I HOPE ONE DAY YOU CAN LIVE DOWN THE HORRIBLE THING THAT YOU DID! RAY-RAY WILL TRY TO FORGIVE YOU! YEAH, BABY, WOOOOOOO!

Stallworth, 28, who pleaded guilty to DUI manslaughter in Florida in connection with a March 14 crash in which he struck and killed construction worker Mario Reyes, will be reinstated after the Super Bowl in February 2010, the league said.

Portions of a letter Goodell had written to Stallworth were released by the league earlier today:

“In my view, the essential facts are that you had alcohol in your system well above the legal limit, made a conscious decision to drive, and struck and killed a man. As you recognize, this conduct and the loss of life has caused serious damage to the NFL and NFL players generally. Legal arguments that focus on criminal liability under Florida law do not diminish that damage or your responsibility for your conduct. via.

Serious tangible damage to the NFL and its players? I doubt it, and I think this suspension is too heavy-handed. Unlike the state of Florida, Goodell isn’t bound by inconveniences like the presumption of innocence, for example. He can do whatever the hell he wants, and he is. Stallworth, for all intents and purposes, has paid his debt to society, and there’s no tangible evidence, other than drawing the ire of a few bitchy columnists, suggesting that Stallworth’s conduct has hurt the NFL’s bottom line.

I can appreciate Goodell’s position that he doesn’t want to be the guy that trots out a skill-position player for everyone to cheer on after he ran over “an innocent man” in his Bentley. While he was legally impaired. But considering that Stallworth is under contract with the Browns, he might come out ahead on that deal. It’s funny because the Browns are godawful, see.

]]>http://uproxx.com/sports/stallworth-suspended-for-2009-season/feed/12Kitty Lea3-2uproxxhttp://uproxx.com/webculture/17628/
http://uproxx.com/webculture/17628/#commentsThu, 13 Aug 2009 14:30:32 +0000http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/?p=17628BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN AWKWARD IF HE WERE IN THE SUPER BOWL IN MIAMI. Just kidding! He’s on the Browns. Anyway, The Rog has brought the ginger hammer down on Donte’ Stallworth, suspending the receiver for the entire 2009 season following a guilty plea for DUI manslaughter. Most people had guessed the suspension would be in the eight to 12 game range, but if you’re gonna go 3/4 of the season, you might as well go the whole hog and try to dispel all the lingering bitterness about leniency toward Leonard Little. Plus it saves the Browns from possibly padding their win total in December and screwing up their draft placement. Win-win! And, hey, if Donte’ has more problems with DUIs, WE GOT SCOOTERS!]]>http://uproxx.com/webculture/17628/feed/18kissingsuzykolberGOODELL LAYS SMACK DOWN ON STALLWORTHhttp://uproxx.com/sports/goodell-lays-the-smack-down-on-stallworth/
http://uproxx.com/sports/goodell-lays-the-smack-down-on-stallworth/#commentsFri, 19 Jun 2009 14:35:17 +0000http://withleather.uproxx.com/?p=19702Donte’ Stallworth may have escaped big jail time from the state of Florida after hitting and killing a man while driving under the influence in March, but the Cleveland Browns wide receiver won’t get the same respite from the NFL. Two days after Stallworth began his 30-day prison term, NFL Commisar Roger Goodell placed Stallworth on indefinite suspension, notifying him in a letter that was excerpted on NFL.com:

“The conduct reflected in your guilty plea resulted in the tragic loss of life and was inexcusable. While the criminal justice system has determined the legal consequences of this incident, it is my responsibility as NFL Commissioner to determine appropriate league discipline for your actions, which have caused irreparable harm to the victim and his family, your club, your fellow players and the NFL.”[…]

“In due course, we will contact your representatives to schedule a meeting with you, after which I will make a final determination on discipline. Pending my final determination, you will not be permitted to visit the club’s facility or participate in any team activities.”

This had to happen. If Goodell intends to take a hard line with player behavior, then no player is begging to be eviscerated more than Stallworth. Goodell isn’t bound by the need to prove Stallworth guilty beyond a reasonable doubt, and that’s fine. But under the precedents Goodell has set with Chris Henry and Pacman Jones, he has to drop the hammer on Stallworth. I don’t think a year suspension is too long; Goodell could suspend him for the rest of his career if he chose. You know how cranky those gingers can get sometimes.

We’re two days removed from Donte’ Stallworth’s apostrophe-deficient plea deal with the state of Florida that saw the Cleveland Browns wide receiver cop to manslaughter in exchange for serving a whopping 30 days in jail. Personally, I’ve spent more time in jail on tours, visiting friends, and shooting my new adult film, Cops And Cradle Robbers 7, available at finer adult video stores near you.

Some of you are comparing Stallworth’s sentence to that of Michael Vick, who was sentenced to 23 months in federal court for orchestrating an interstate dogfighting ring which, while grotesquely inhumane, makes a lot more sense than anything the UFL has ever done. But let’s get a grip and do the math. Thirty days is pretty fair, when you consider the surrounding factors involved, and compare those factors to Vick’s proceedings:

The case against Stallworth was not a slam-dunk. Stallworth blew a 0.126 at the scene, minutes after he ran over Mario Reyes with his Bentley on March 14th, but wasn’t charged with DUI manslaughter until April. Why?

The big issue centered around a wrinkle in Florida’s DUI laws referred to as “causation,” meaning that if the drunk driver is involved in a crash, that driver is not necessarily responsible if the other party contributed to that crash. Like if I have get drunk and have sex with your mom, but she pays for the hotel room; I can’t be held responsible, unless of course your dad is bigger than I am (fat chance).

This applies to the case since Mario Reyes was jaywalking when Stallworth hit him. Reyes’ illegal action–petty as it is–could have potentially absolved Stallworth. There also would have been difficulty provinig that Stallworth was impaired, since he was able to honk and flash his lights. The prosecution might have had a better case if Stallworth was texting behind the wheel while sober.

And there’s probably a going-over-the-middle joke here that, due to time constraints, I’ll leave to the fine commenters of this site.

Conversely, the case against Vick was damn near iron clad. Several of Vick’s friends flipped and testified against him. Significant physical evidence, including 70 dogs, were seized. Investigators were confident that they could prove that Michael Vick was the de facto CEO of an interstate dogfighting operation that involved gambling, drugs, and the violations of both state and federal laws. It’s also worth nothing here that Virgina has suspended all charges against Vick, because they’re just mighty swell folks.

Stallworth made good with the Reyes family. I don’t know what happened here, but this is my best guess: A contrite Stallworth met with the family, apologized from the bottom of his heart, and pulled out his checkbook. He then gave Mario Reyes’ surviving wife and daughter more money than either of them had ever seen in their entire lives, enough to put that 15-year-old daughter through college. Enough for the widow to live “comfortably,” if such a term could even be used here.

The Reyes’ family’s wishes to get the proceedings over with may have stemmed from the settlement. The prosecution admitted that this was a factor in hurrying the proceedings, a factor that certainly worked in the favor of Stallworth and his legal team. No word on whether Vick and the survivors of the 70 dogs seized are cool.

Stallworth’s illegal action was not premeditated, and happened in less time than it took you to read this sentence.I hate using the word “accident” in general, but the fault stemmed from ann instantaneous lapse in awareness. Is that worth sending a guy to jail for years of his life? Is that fair? Vick, on the other hand, delivered the Bad Newz for six years. Oh, but he didn’t kill nobody and didn’t rape nobody. Whatever.

Legal proceedings aren’t as cut and dried as our society would like to pretend they are, and that’s a good thing. Alleged criminals don’t just walk up to a judge with their offense written on an index card and receive a cookie-cutter punishment like some sort of Value Meal of Justice.

The state’s burden of proof is one of the cornerstones of liberty in a republic. It doesn’t make the death of Mario Reyes forgivable, or any less tragic. It doesn’t diminish the value of the 59-year-old man that woke up every day to provide for his family. Stallworth had his day in court. So did Vick. But it wasn’t just random chance or some obliviousness to humanity that Stallworth’s day turn out a lot better.

Dick joke.

]]>http://uproxx.com/webculture/stop-comparing-dontes-sentence-to-michael-vicks/feed/113kissingsuzykolberSTALLWORTH TO TAKE PLEA DEAL-UPDATEDhttp://uproxx.com/sports/stallworth-to-take-deal-plead-guilty/
http://uproxx.com/sports/stallworth-to-take-deal-plead-guilty/#commentsTue, 16 Jun 2009 17:08:54 +0000http://withleather.uproxx.com/?p=19558UPDATE: UPI is reporting that Stallworth will spend only 30 days in jail as part of his plea. Seriously?! You could spend more time in jail on a tour.

After pleading not guilty to a DUI manslaughter charge stemming from hitting a pedestrian in March, Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte’ Stallworth is expected to plead guilty today after agreeing to a plea deal with the prosecution. From the Miami CBS affiliate:

Now Stallworth has reportedly agreed to plead guilty to DUI manslaughter in exchange for a shortened jail sentence followed by a lengthy probation period.

Terry Chavez, spokeswoman for the Miami-Dade State Attorney’s Office, said the Reyes family had been pushing hard to resolve the case. “We have been in intense negotiations for the past couple of days,” Chavez said. “We always take the victim’s wishes into account.”

That push may have had something to do with the cash settlement to which the Reyes family agreed with Stallworth (thanks, flubby on the KSK twitter). Terms of Stallworth’s length of stay in prison were not mentioned in the report; that’ll be up to the judge. Of course, Stallworth could still face the most severe punishment: playing the rest of his career with the Cleveland Browns. Ugh, no thanks. Orange jumpsuits are more fashionable than orange helmets anyday.

]]>http://uproxx.com/sports/stallworth-to-take-deal-plead-guilty/feed/20uproxxDONTE’ COULD BEAT MANSLAUGHTER CHARGEhttp://uproxx.com/sports/donte-could-beat-manslaughter-charge/
http://uproxx.com/sports/donte-could-beat-manslaughter-charge/#commentsThu, 21 May 2009 15:08:51 +0000http://withleather.uproxx.com/?p=18879Jason Cole at Yahoo! Sports is reporting that Cleveland Browns wideout Donte’ Stallworth could beat a DUI manslaughter charge based on a technicality in the Florida legal code. Stallworth, you’ll remember, was finally charged six weeks ago after mowing down a pedestrian in March and subsequently blowing a .126 on the drinky-meter:

According to Florida’s DUI manslaughter law, there are exceptions under what is called “causation” of an accident. In short, someone who is driving drunk and causes an accident is not necessarily responsible if the other party did something to contribute to the accident. Florida statute 316.119 was changed in the 1980s to reflect that after a state Supreme Court judge ruled that the state’s previous strict liability standard on drunken drivers was essentially unfair.

The exception is based on the idea that if a drunken driver stopped at an intersection was hit by another car and the driver of the other car died, the drunken driver should not be held responsible.

The issue of “causation” would be satisfied in that the pedestrian was jaywalking when Stallworth hit him. Stallworth, who is scheduled for arraignment today, could see any jailtime fall from up to 15 years down to a matter of months. I guess that’s why they paint those white lines at street corners. Maybe this will serve as a message to all those jagoffs that jaywalk really slowly right in front of my approaching car. One of these days, I’m just gonna roll over one of those people. And don’t that little fake jog pretending to get out of the way, either. Unless you have enormous breasts. In which case, hey baby, what’s your hurry?

]]>http://uproxx.com/sports/donte-could-beat-manslaughter-charge/feed/16uproxxSTALLWORTH CHARGED — DUI MANSLAUGHTERhttp://uproxx.com/sports/stallworth-charged-dui-manslaughter/
http://uproxx.com/sports/stallworth-charged-dui-manslaughter/#commentsThu, 02 Apr 2009 13:45:19 +0000http://withleather.uproxx.com/?p=17121Browns wide receiver Donte’ Stallworth was finally charged yesterday in the death of 59-year-old Mario Reyes, a construction worker who Stallworth hit with his Bentley on the morning of March 14th.

Stallworth’s blood-alcohol level after the crash was .126, well above Florida’s legal limit of .08, according to results of a blood test. Stallworth will also be charged with DUI, which carries a possible six-month sentence plus fines and community service for first offenders.

“Whenever a deadly accident occurs and a driver is impaired, families suffer,” said Miami-Dade State Attorney Katherine Fernandez Rundle in a statement.

Stallworth made arrangements to turn himself into authorities this morning; the league is reviewing the case to determine if disciplinary action will be taken. Driving drunk is one of those things that works every time except the last time. Which is why you should always drive drunk at least once. It’s part of growing up, just like stealing from convenience stores and sodomizing farm animals. They’re experiences that bring us together. In a place called “prison.”

]]>http://uproxx.com/sports/stallworth-charged-dui-manslaughter/feed/14Proof & J Dilla - "We Know" (Unreleased)uproxxDONTE’ STALLWORTH WAS DRUNK – UPDATEDhttp://uproxx.com/sports/donte-stallworth-might-have-been-drunk/
http://uproxx.com/sports/donte-stallworth-might-have-been-drunk/#commentsThu, 19 Mar 2009 18:35:30 +0000http://withleather.uproxx.com/?p=16288UPDATE: The Herald is reporting that Stallworth had a BAC of 0.12 at the time of that crash Saturday morning. The legal limit is 0.08; the police have not confirmed the story.

Police are still investigating the man vs. car showdown that killed a 59-year old Miami resident when he was struck by a Bentley driven by Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte’ Stallworth. Stallworth was driving down a causeway linking Miami and Miami Beach on Saturday morning when he struck Mario Reyes, a crane operator who had literally just finished his shift for the day. As of this writing, no charges have been filed.

Items still unclear are whether Stallworth was under the influence of drugs or alcohol while he was behind the wheel. The Miami Herald has video of the sobriety test that police issued Stallworth on the scene after the collision. Police drew blood from Stallworth at the scene, and at least one report says Stallworth will be charged with DUI manslaughter.

Per the source, Stallworth admitted to drinking at least four Patrons and two Margaritas. A separate source called that information “basically right,” but added that Stallworth contends he had his last drink at midnight. The incident occurred after 7:00 a.m. local time.

We’re also told that Stallworth claimed in his statement to police that he saw the man crossing the street from a distance, and flashed the high beams and honked the horn of the Bentley he was driving. Apparently, there’s an issue as to whether Stallworth could have taken evasive action because of a barrier along the median.

It’s too bad the brakes aren’t closer to the high beams or the horn. Some 48 hours after the crash, facts still seem to be trickling in. So let he who has never run down a pedestrian with his Bentley cast the first stone. Which is, basically, everyone.