Recap: Mad As Hell, June 15th 2016

On a secret mission to kidnap a Nazi ocelot rumoured to know the codes to a submarine, a team of British commandos parachute into Berlin Zoo behind enemy lions.

Shaun was up all night watching his MySpace page, waiting for the online election debate to occur. He even considered looking at LinkedIn, but had to settle with cute animal videos. Sadly, some candidates have been having trouble grappling with new media, by sticking to the personal approach of brothel ownership, sending videos of themselves masturbating to their constituents or leaving behind a failed online startup which lost millions of dollars. But Michaelia Cash is not abandoning the traditional “talk to the voters”, which is good considering she can be lip-read from a kiliometre away.

Bill did two peoples forums in a row this week, debating himself when Malcolm didn’t turn up – Malcolm went to a (Leigh) Sales conference instead, already knowing what questions he didn’t want to answer and making sure Leigh asked them so he could avoid them. Bill struggled at his forum without someone to compare him to, like Chinotto vs sump oil. Chinotto – Into the Bin!
Labor supporters have a choice – attend the launch of their campaign next week, or watch any of the numerous programs on ABC, ABC2, ABC3 or ABC News 24 instead. With 17 days until the election, Ian Orbspider thinks it will difficult to launch something which has already begun, but only if space-time is curved. If they travel back into the past, we have another 4 weeks of campaigning, but they can get rid of David Feeney. Travelling into the future to see how their 10 year plan will go might not be in their best interests.

Financy Boy isn’t available to explain the complex financial issues of the election, so Shaun will do his best so that we the voters can make an informed decision when we step into the cardboard urinal on July 2nd. Labor and Liberal both have 10 year plans, heading in the same direction in different lanes, so much so that Turnbull agrees with Shorten from 2011, even though the Liberals disagreed at the time. Spokesperson for the PM, Balanda Crumpett (Roz), thinks anything can sound unfair if you put it into context, and that context only matters when it supports their argument.

The Libs say Labor’s “plan” is more of a pamphlet, which is the kind of line you’d hear in a half arsed comedy show – like this one. They also say there are more words in the latest Taylor Swift album than Labor’s 10 year plan, but Taylor Swift impersonator Chi-chi Mozilla (Emily) thinks it depends on if it’s her delux version of 1989.

Scott Morrison says Labor has declared a war on business AND growth – fighting on two fronts is difficult, and Napoleon (Francis) agrees.

Mike Svengali(?) (Stephen) has a 6 year old rat and is an inspiration member of the middle-class, and used to be a Labor man, but their negative gearing changes makes him worry about his superfund. Only Caspar Jonquil understands the superannuation changes, but it would be surprising if you wanted to talk to him about it, or anything else.

Later in the week: A fear people said was unthinkable, that no one would listen to; In a place called the future, anything is probable. Too Cleverman 0.5

Bill Shorten was firm Labor would accept the decision of the Fair Work Commission on penalty rates, but only if they remained the same. Anything else would be as likely as aliens making contact, but Crane Girdle (Stephen) thinks will it depend if the aliens are willing to accept a cut in the Sunday pay, and we should be careful picking a fight with the war-like races.

Bill seems to like a joke (especially his zingers), but began his bus tour with the announcement: “Welcome to the Bill Bus.” He may have almost said “Welcome to the Shorten Bus”, but because it sounds too much like Short Bus, the film full of explicit group sex, he swapped to “Bill Bus.” Is Shaun completely overthinking it? Write in to win a Ticky Tocky Alarm Clock so you’ll never miss an episode of The Business.

On 4 Corners this week, a look at what it takes to run an Australian farm – from the overseas investors who do it everyday from boardrooms.

In Sport, Maria Sharapova has been banned on her use of not a melodica, not a harmonium, not Boney M, but Meldonium. Chunketta Tongue (Emily), an abattoir administrator, uses it to improve her blood flow, with only the side effect being excessive grunting.

Andrew Hastie has been dumped from the Army Reserve for appearing on a election poster in his uniform, but if he’s in camouflage, surely it’s not highly visible? Bobo Gargle (Francis) says the ADF has to remain impartial or on the fence, but not on defense – it would be ridiculous to defend those we’re fighting. Bobo wants to break the glass ceiling for women, or at least unleash a (zombie) Kraken it!

Speaking of zombies, Richard DiNatale accused the Liberals of resurrecting the zombie of Tony Abbott, but how do you resurrect something already resurrected?

Later in the week: John Howard talks when he first met Robert Menzies, and how he got invited to a “freak out” which ended in him being signed up as a member of Liberal party. Howard on Menzies (literally).

George Pell tendered his resignation as per tradition on turning 75, which, also as tradition, is likely to not be accepted by the Pope. Bishop Straightman says Bishop Pell is having a quiet, reflective birthday, but Cardinal Nosey has organised a complete “Carry On” for his most holy.

Shaun has noticed that Labor’s 10 Year Plan has some similar photos to the Coalition’s Plan from 2013, from the seating arrangement to the venetian blinds – if only they could be in a room together, imagine what could be accomplished!