5 Reasons Your Social Media App Didn’t Take Off

Becoming a dotcom millionaire is harder than it seems. For every InstaGoogle or TwitSnap, there’s a Pets.com lurking in the wings ready to feast on your big dreams of geek stardom. Maybe it would help if you had any idea what you were doing in front of that keyboard in the first place before you hit up VCs for some Series A funding.

Check out these 5 reasons your social media app didn’t take off, and bask in your own failure.

1. It’s A Social Media Network For People With NO INSECURITIES

You had so much faith that Con.Com was going to be the next big thing. So much…confidence, in fact. It wasn’t until you realized that the percentage of people online with zero self-doubt was about as big as the number of Facebook users who’d never been curious about the Poke feature that it all came crashing down. Turns out this is one of those isntances where all those years of therapy and self-actualization worked against you.

2. It’s A Peer-To-Peer Solution For GROCERY SHOPPERS

Imagine Napster for coupons. Limewire for lunch meats. Gnutella for Nutella. That was your pitch, your swing, and your miss, all rolled up into one.

3. It’s A Dating App For INCARCERATED FELONS

Anytime you’re asking someone to swipe left using the muscles of their sphincter on a smuggled-in Blackberry is only two steps away from true love forever.

4. It’s A MAGAZINE ABOUT HAIR WRITTEN IN IAMBIC PENTAMETER

Oh, people can ‘like’ various hairstyles, as long as they stick to the meter of Shakespeare? And that makes it ‘social’ in your eyes? Carry on.

5. It’s A POCKET TELEPORTER

Wait – what? We really have no idea how you couldn’t pull this one off, dude.