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About Me

Greetings. I, Count Sneaky,can add little to my profile except to tell you the Count is older than dirt and
has been married to a lovely lady for the past 53 years,and has one son and two grandsons;
and has had a most wonderful life. As heir to the throne of the long-deposed (and despised) duchy of Umbrage, Chevalier of Dithyramb, Notary Sojac, Knight of the Umbilical Cord, Pecadillo appraiser, Member: Society of Sychophants, Society of Deposed Aristocracy of Moronica, LED, COD, Duc de Tape, and retired from post
of Sanitation Engineer with Dept. of Trash, Soda City. Provider of unique and eccentric, moral and refined entertainment for ladies and gentlemen of all ages. Hermetically sealed under my hand
this day.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The following memo was left on the refrigerator under a magnet that read "Cats Forever!":

My dear housekeepers , The canned cat food that I have been served for the last few weeks is not fit for dogs much less the highly refined taste buds of yours truly. Where did you get this tripe. I won't ask what it cost but I cannot believe that any reputable pet store would try to shovel this litter filler off on any discerning cat fanciers. I have taken in consideration your recently strained resources, but this simply cannot continue ! Unless the quality of my food is appreciably increased I shall be forced to vacate the house and upgrade the human housekeepers whom I favor with my presence. Also, the crappy old litterbox I use has to be replaced with a new,

deluxe model and changed daily. And no more disturbing my nap to show me off to your dim-witted friends. If these changes are made I will reconsider my decision. Get on it! Strutz the Cat.

***

Today is Saint Vinaigrette's Day. It honors Sir Vinaigrette, the knight who slew the last known Dragon and rescued the last known maiden.

All hail the knight,

Who slew the last dragon,

Took his head and left,

His tail wagging.

Now that dragons are no more,

Knighthood is going to be a bore.

No more maidens to rescue from their jaws,

No more peasants to rescue from their claws,

Farewell fearsome dragons!

We knights raise our flagons,

And salute you one last time,

Stalwart beasts of gore and grime

Count Sneaky

on St. Vinaigrette's Day

***

The Luddite's Ball will be held in conjunction with the Pecadillo's Ball this month and features the Hollow Log Band. It will be held at the Lake Bohemia Pavilion, out where the buses don't run.

***

Meet me tonight in Dreamland. Happy Hour is 9pm 'til 9am

***

The Cotillion for Debutantes with Intellectual Pretentions was held in the

Soda City Library and all had a fine time and the discussions entre-dances

were very well rehearsed and focused.

***

Current read: Solving Pest Problems by James G. Buckstopper, Frog Hair Press, 2009. 198 pages. Now, what I'm wondering is : Why should we solve problems for pest? Let the little buggers do it themselves.

***

How to stay fit: Eat cumquats three times a day and do

fifty reps of diddly-squats.

***

Left to himself...a hermit will generally be left to himself. Pinkam's Law.

When I was in elementary school many, many long years ago I walked to school with the little girl that lived down the street from me. I thought of her as "Ann of the fair face and golden locks." Even then I was intrigued with the creatures. One day I told her that I had heard on the radio that they were building a dam site better than required for a reservoir outside of town.

She shuddered, clamped her hand over her mouth and dropped her books on the sidewalk. She said I should never use such foul, profane language in her presence again! When I got home I told my mother what I said and she chased me and my dog through the screen door and out into the yard yelling at me never to use such foul, profane language in her presence again!

The next day "Ann of the fair face,etc." deigned to accompany me to and from school if I would agree never to use such language in her presence again...henceforth and forever! I said, "Oh, hell yes!" I joyfully cried, confident of my feral charm.

I told my dog Snot that I didn't think anyone understood me but him. He promptly peed on my leg while watching Ann of the etc. run home as fast as her little legs would carry her.

But, she forgave me the next day when I presented her with some treats that I had wrapped with a nice red, fancy bow in a golden box. She didn't have to know that they were some chewies that my mother had bought for Snot.

I told my father what I had done and he couldn't keep a straight face around my mother for days. I knew which side my little butt was buttered on .