Last week’s NC State Fair drew more than a million visitors for the first time in history, and nobody benefited more than the food vendors, who sold literally tons of deep-fried candy bars, Krispy Kreme burgers, and good old-fashioned barbeque. With all that pork being eaten, you’d think it’d be hard for a pig to even survive, but one brave little fella has managed to survive the State Fair—yet again. Joining us again today, it’s Babe the Pig.

Medical researchers at UNC have developed a procedure to help prevent children from getting the flu, even when they’re too young to receive a flu vaccine. They’re calling the effort COCOONING. The procedure begins with all adults within close proximity of the child receiving a flu vaccine, thus keeping the child in a metaphorical COCOON to protect against the flu.

Once that’s done, any elderly relatives of the child who happen to live in a retirement community, have to go for a late night swim in the community pool. This action will fill them with a younger, stronger, and happier lifeforce, which would, of course, in turn, protect the child. If any of those elderly relatives happen to be pessimistic, he or she will be in charge of fighting off any of the retirement home orderlies that try to stop them from swimming in the pool. It’s really a team effort.

Now here’s where things start to get complicated. A group of peaceful alien lifeforms from the planet Antarea, having formed an outpost here on Earth on an island known to all of us as Bald Head, have to go to the aforementioned retirement home, disguising themselves as regular humans, and then they, too, must take a dive in the pool.

Now. Do you remember that pessimistic elderly relative I mentioned earlier? He or she has to experience some sort of significant loss… let’s say his wife dies. Well, he has to take said dead wife to the lifeforce pool and tenderly splash water over her face, and then one of the alien life forms, now disguised as a regular human, must explain to the pessimistic relative, that the power of the pool is gone, and there’s nothing he can do to revive his wife, because all the other relatives tampered with the pool and used up all the lifeforce leaving nothing left for him.

So, in the end, all of these elderly relatives, minus the pessimistic one, and human-looking alien lifeforms, have to go back to Anterea, bringing the children along with them, of course, to never get sick, never grow old, and never die.

One-millionth fair attendee, Chapel Hill-Carrboro schools are good with technology, bars and restaurants giving stuff on Halloween, forgery by uttering, those benefiting from Houston’s absence, and an apology to the Carrboro Jaguars.

This Sunday is October 31, and that means it’s time for another Chapel Hill tradition: Homegrown Halloween! But the rules for this year’s celebration have changed a little bit, and so, joining us to explain things for you, is DSI Witness News’s Halloween correspondent, Jeremy Kepler.

Earlier this week, Kit FitzSimons took on the N.C. State Fair, pledging to eat an EVEN MORE ridiculous version of every deep-fried, fat-saturated food item available at the fairgrounds. Well, he’s back with us today, and I’m pleased to report that he’s done it! Kit FitzSimons has beaten the NC State Fair!

The North Carolina State Fair is underway in Raleigh, and nothing says STATE FAIR quite like the food. Last year it was chocolate-covered bacon, but this year, they’re saying they’ve outdone themselves. Well, anything the State Fair can do, we think we can do better. And so, joining us live from the state fairgrounds, is our very own Kit FitzSimons.