Wednesday, September 28, 2005

The Arizona Cardinals are getting a new stadium for 06. When completed,the field will weigh nearly 121⁄2 million pounds and will roll in andout of the stadium on specialized tracks. The natural turf will growin a series of trays filled with a foot of growing mixture. It willremain outside the stadium where it can receive sunlight and wateruntil it is needed for a football game. Then a series of onehorsepower motors will move the field along the tracks into thestadium.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

From the very first drive where the Chiefs got into Denver territorybut punted from the 35, only to get a touchback. I mean aninterception might have pinned them deeper. From that drive I knew itwas going to be a bad game. But I didn't think it would be that bad.Really I think it's unfair that they have home games a mile above sealevel. Lesson: bet against the broncos on the road, bet on the broncosat home. Greatest W/L home-away disparity in the league.

Monday, September 26, 2005

When I saw that my WR's got outscored 28 - 4, I knew I had lost again. That would bring my record to a miserable 1-2. I was down 32 points. And I still had Ladainian Tomlinson going in the Sunday night game, but he had Shockey. I started watching the game, but as soon as Shockey started catching some long passes I gave up even the slightest hope.

I was even rooting for the Giant to beat the Chargers, the 2004 afc west champs.

So I turned on the game in the 4th quarter. And I saw a LT rushing touchdown, so I figured at least he was making respectable. That put the chargers up 42 to 23. They said that was his 4th touchdown of the night. So I thought that I would see how close he had come.

When I needed LT to outscore Shockey by 32, he had already put up 38! But Shockey had put up 100 yards so I was still losing: Hoagies 111, Badass Birds 115.

But now the Giants are passing big to try and come back and I am sure Schockey is going to put it away. But wait..Giants WR fumbles. Now the Chargers have 6 minutes to run out the clock. But up 19, can LT get 40 yards? Or another TD? On the first play from his own 10, LT runs a sweep to the outside, I'm screaming at the tv, rooting for a division rival, as LT goes s20, 30....40 yards! Keeps going, 70 yard run. That puts me ahead - for the moment. LT comes out of the game for the last time and San Diego gets a field goal. But there are still 4 minutes for Shockey to tie it up with 20 yards.

The Chargers D comes up huge and forces a garbage time punt. Unbelievable. Best Comeback Ever. LT finishes with a whopping 44 point game.Final 117 - 111.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

for those of you who missed it, the bears beat up the lions so bad, that even though harrington doesn't even have a backup (due to garcia's preseason broken leg) they still took joey out.

and the chiefs held on to beat the raiders 23 to 17 on the road in a primetime affair. the chiefs had the ball on their own 25 with 5 minutes to go, 3rd and 7. green rifles it to samie "who's that?" parker for 20 yards, and i shouted "yes" and "hold on to it". of course he immediately got the ball punched out at the 50. it was their only turnover of the game. so the chiefs went from almost being able to run out the clock to trying to hold the raiders and randy to no touchdowns on a 50-yard field.

needless to say, i was panicked and sulking, after randy had caught 5 of the 7 balls thrown his way (and one that didn't count because of a phantom offensive pass interference call in the endzone - and it was awesome to hear norv "my brother is ron" turner whining about the call at halftime).

it came down to the 2 minute warning with a 3rd and 6 from the kc 10. a blitzer got a finger on the ball to knock it down. 4th and 6. ball thrown to porter in the endzone, who has a step on his receiver, but can't bring it down. chiefs win.

amazingly, they never throw the ball to randy on the final series. i mean sure kc was covering him, but they were doing that all game, he is just that good.

also in the late 3rd, with the score 17 to 17, the chiefs had 1st and goal from the 9. 2 holding penalties later, and it was 1st and goal from the 29. i'm surprised tynes could even salvage 3 points out of that.

also, burnsy and i got some soft cheddar cheese and grilled some awesome burgers for lunch, but i never had one for dinner, because i filled up on the cheese and crackers.

For those of you who had week 2 in the "How long before someone getstwice as many points as Burnsy" Pool, you win!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Ari Gold: [pulling envelope out of drawer] In this envelope, there arethe names of eight agents. If anyone catches you, eat it. Nod if youunderstand me.Lloyd: I understand.Ari Gold: You can't just fucking nod? Lloyd... I want you to... toswear your undying loyalty to me.Lloyd: Ari...Ari Gold: Listen to me, Lloyd, do you want to make it in this businessor fold shirts at a Chinese laundromat? Pledge.Lloyd: I pledge my undying loyalty to you, Ari.Ari Gold: Good. Now, I want you to go to each of these agents –discreetly - and say the words "tse-tse fly". Say nothing else. Nowgo.Lloyd: Ari, are you leaving the agency -Ari Gold: *Silence* is fucking golden, Lloyd. Go.

Ari Gold: Listen, Lloyd, I want you to put all my files, folders,binders, *everything* into a box! If you find a used condom, anexecutioner's mask, and a fucking spike paddle, don't think, just packthat bitch! Chop suey!

Ari Gold: Just so you know, your girlfriend, when she was in themailroom, offered to blow me. True story.

Ari Gold: You all know who's been running this company for the pasteight years. And you all know that when I go, in no time you will berepping nobodys like Bill from "The Apprentice." No one needs to makea decision right now. I will be starting my own agency. Two veryimportant goals will apply-- to make everyone who is in at the groundfloor rich, and to burn this motherfucking place to the ground! Lloyd,are you with me?Ari Gold: [Lloyd remains silent. Ari approaches him.] Lloyd, what areyou doing? You and me we have a special bond. Come on, let's go.Lloyd: Ari, swear to me that you will never again say anythingoffensive to me about my race or my sexual orientation.Ari Gold: I can't swear to that, but I promise I will always apologize after.

Ernesto: [intercom] Sorry, Lloyd. It's a company car. Mr. McQuewicksaid I can't give it to him.Ari Gold: Can't give it to me? Ernesto, how many fucking pesos did Igive you for Christmas? Huh, Ernesto? Every Christmas for the pastdecade? Half of Mexico is eating on my tips that I have given you. Nowbring my motherfucking car now, por favor!Ernesto: [intercom] Sorry, Mr. Gold, I can't do it. Oh, and Mr. Gold.I'm from Guatemala, and our currency is the Quetzal.

Johnny Drama: If you play gay or retarded you get an Oscar. I'd takein the ass for an Oscar.Turtle: You'd take in the ass for a guest spot on The Hughleys.

Eric: Tom Cruise is going to play Pablo Escobar? C'mon, the guy's noteven Hispanic.Ari Gold: Yeah, and Hilary Swank has a vagina, but she won an Oscarpretending she has a dick. That's what actors do. They pretend.

Ari Gold: All right, well when you talk to Dana, tell her I still havethe pictures from Cancun. Tell her I'm going to start a website. Tellher it's going to be called i'm a hollywood whore dot com. There willbe no registration or credit card required. Tell her I'm going to takeout a full page ad in the LA Times promoting it. Tell her I want afucking call back.

Ari Gold: You can have it if you want to live in Agora fucking hills,and go to group therapy, but if you want a Beverly Hills mansion, acountry club membership, and nine weeks a year in a Tuscan villa, thenI'm gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on amotherfucking Wednesday.

Ari Gold: Where the fuck is Peter Cole's office? Right here?[Ari storms into the room]Ari Gold: James Cameron is directing "Aquaman"?Surprised Kid: That's great, that's awesome!Ari Gold: That's "awesome", huh? You didn't think to bring it up inthe fucking staff meeting? An e-mail? A yellow fuckingsticky-something?Surprised Kid: I...I didn't know I was supposed to know that kind of stuff.Ari Gold: Well, what is it you're supposed to know, do you think? Whatthe fuck do we pay you for? To get your agency card laminated so youcan go to Shelter and try to fuck Mischa Barton?Surprised Kid: I... I didn't think...Ari Gold: Let me tell you something. You don't have to say anything,know why? Cause you can pick up all your stuff, cause you'remother-fucking fired![Ari storms out]CAA Assistant: What happened?Surprised Kid: I don't know. I came in to drop off Peter's mail andMr. Gold fired me. My life is over!

Ari's Wife: What's in the bag?Ari Gold: A kilo of blow. What's with all the questions?

Monday, September 12, 2005

well I survived the first day of fantasy, er – flag football. here's a running commentary:

5:50 I set my goals for the game: 1 interception and 1 touchdown.

6:00 game starts in 30 minutes, I arrive on the field. I'm trying to find my teammates, unsure if anyone has arrived yet. there are a bunch of guys wearing white shirts like we are supposed to. I ask a couple guys what team they are on…of course since they are on teams with their friends they know that I'm an idiot

6:10 I meet the first guy on my team. he's a little bigger than me

6:15 some more guys trickle in. they're older and bigger than me

6:25 we start running practice plays. a guy blows by me. they are faster and older and bigger than me.

6:30 there are 3 guys wearing running shoes who don't look that great. there are 7 players that look good and they are wearing football cleats. I am wearing running shoes

6:35 since we have 10 players for our 7 on 7 game, there needs to be 3 subs. I immediately walk to the sideline

6:37: the opposing team only has 6 players present. not only will they not have any subs, but it will be 7 on 6.

Game Begins: our team starts on offense. they drive the field. I get in the game when it is 2nd and goal. I proceed to get open 3 times in the endzone and not get the ball thrown to me. Turnover on downs

I stay in on D and we get a 3 and out. I come out for the punt return.

We drive again and score a touchdown on a jump ball to our tall guy. I come in for the extra point conversion (no kicking in this game) proceed to get open in the endzone and not get the ball thrown to me. Us 6, Them 0.

The first half progresses with little excitement. I play a little but not much happens.

Halftime: Even though I haven't exerted myself, I figure I brought some damn Gatorade, I'm going to drink it.

We begin the 2nd half on defense. I read a QB sweep and get in position. I go for his flags and he runs right by me, past another teammate and takes it to the house. Us 6, Them 6.

While setting up for the conversion, the ref calls the play back for illegal flags. Apparently, he lost a flag way back at the line. Us 6, Them 0.I think at this point we exchange series w/o anything happening.

Middle 2nd half: I am lined up on a man, but read that the QB is on the run and won't make a good throw. I release off my man and cover short zone. He throws it right to me. Having not touched the ball all game I go out and grab it and get a nice return. Interception.

After getting good field position we blow it with stupid penalties (false start and delay of game). The frustrating part was that after a penalty we would go back to call a new play. Why couldn't we run the same one we were ready for? I proceed to get open 2 times in the endzone and not get the ball thrown to me.

I am in on the offense line to block (there is an immediate rush) and someone pancakes me. Flat on my back.

We have to punt and now they have the ball with only 2 minutes remaining.

I think they ran a screen pass and I am in good position on the runner. But knowing how hard it is to grab a flag on a fast, huge guy, I try to just get in his way, maybe get a flag, maybe knock him out of bounds. I end up jarring the ball loose as he goes past me. (This is the same as a tackle as fumbles are retained by the offense when the ball touches the ground).

Unfortunately, he had a man trailing him and he was able to catch the ball before he hits the ground and he scores with a minute left. Tied at 6.

I come out for the conversion attempt, mostly because I don't want to be blamed for losing the game. They over throw and we get the ball back.

Amazingly, we were able to get a huge pass and answer right back with a touchdown. Needless to say they didn't throw the ball to me. We don't get the conversion and hope that doesn't hurt us. Us 12, Them 6.

They have 30 seconds, but go 4 and out. I stay off the field so I can't get blamed for losing the game.