9 Reasons to Celebrate Being American on the 4th, Despite America Being Kind of Terrible Right Now

It's true that America is in what future historians will refer to as "A post-shaved head Britney period." As a nation, we are wildly swinging our umbrella at the paparazzi right now. I mean that metaphorically. And also actually. It's not all dumpster fire tweet storms, of course. We, as a nation, did manage to defeat the Unicorn Frappuccino in a week so there's hope to be culled from that. But in general it's an odd time to be an American. Or a human in general. Incidentally, it's also an odd time to be a hippopotamus because you're like "Uh, I'm actually basically a dinosaur but everyone is treating me like I'm cute and while it's true I am fresh to death, I'm also literally death." Hippos are super existential and it's a lot, honestly.

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Just sitting around thinking about how nothingness haunts being.

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But, for American humans this time is particularly tricky. As we approach our nation's birthday and our annual celebration of our independence and all things America, perhaps it's a good time to ask, "Well, what are we actually celebrating?" So, while displaying our patriotism by loading up our trunks with illegal fireworks and setting out on the highway to sit in four hours of holiday traffic just like the founders intended, let's consider these still-bright lights shining in the dimming embers of our democracy!

Fireworks are actually pretty great!

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Gathering around a field, a harbor, or a neighbor's trashcan to watch things burst colorfully in the sky is one of our greatest traditions. I know we didn't invent fireworks and none of our celebrations have long dragon puppets, which, frankly, we're poorer for. But the 4th of July means some pretty things are going to sparkle and explode in the sky. Fireworks are basically bombs that do no damage dressed in drag and if that doesn't bring the country together, nothing will.

We haven't lost our ability to maintain civil discourse.

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LOL, just kidding every conversation is trash. Gone are the days when you could turn on the news or go on Twitter to find measured considerations of nuanced issues. Now it's just past reality stars and future reality stars screaming at each other. And that's the key. As an organized society we've got some work to do, but as a reality show America is killing the game. Socrates never threw his prosthetic leg across a table and ancient Greece was poorer for it. Other countries also have contentious talking heads shouting at each other in front of green screens, but we've really made it into an art.

Oscar Isaac

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OKAY?!

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ALRIGHT?!

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YES INDEED!

Our zoos are doing the most.

Thanks for your patience & understanding while Fiona explores the outdoor habitat at her own pace. She is still not on a set schedule yet! pic.twitter.com/DbDXOfQsQY

It seems like every week we have some wild story of animal cuteness or magic coming out of our nation's zoos. Remember when that giraffe was pregnant for an entire election cycle? Fact: The live feed of a pregnant giraffe sitting around still being pregnant was viewed by more people than the finale of Friends. I'm actually not sure how that giraffe doesn't have it's own show on MSNBC by now. Now we've got this diva hippo Fiona who won't even look at the camera and still zoos are like "Be obsessed! It's an animal! Can you even believe it?" It's the best.

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Beyoncé wrapped in a flag, staring at a chicken.

This is one of the most important pictures I've ever seen in my life. If this doesn't make you feel patriotic (and by patriotic I mean deeply confused) I feel bad for you.

Rep. Maxine Waters.

OB. VI. OUS. LY.

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And she's up on the latest slang:

Anne Hathaway.

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I, for one, am so glad that the dark ages of Hatha-hate are over. Anne Hathaway is a treasure. She was delightful in The Princess Diaries, perfect in The Devil Wears Prada, and a total revelation in The Dark Knight Returns (honestly, she, like Michelle Pfeiffer before her, carried that movie singlehandedly). Her new movie, Colossal, was under-appreciated, much like she is. Anne Hathaway is an American treasure and if you disagree, I will go on cable news and yell at you about it.

Our National Parks are everything!

Not only are they full of protected land showcasing nature's majesty, but they're staffed by people who will pop off online if that majesty is threatened.

And finally, the greatest thing about our country...

Unlimited salad and breadsticks.

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There is nothing more American than a chain Italian restaurant that will let you eat bread until you die for $6.99. Everything else in this country has become more expensive and more limited over the years but the Olive Garden deal, one of the cornerstones of our democracy, remains unchanged. And that's America. We may disagree, we may experience periods of perilous development or fractious leadership, but at the end of the day, we are all united around the desire for garlic buttered bread at a low, low price. They may take our health insurance but they'll never take our breadsticks!

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