I don't really like the word blog, but it seems pointless to fight it, Zis is a blog.
If you want to know more about an Algerian girl who lives in London and struggles with thoughts that are beyond the remits of her understanding, stories of society and social climbers of love and deception and of a status of seemingly eternal singlehood, then you are in the right place...

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Will you be my third wife?

The word itself sounds like a game to me, like Monopoly or Scrabble, a mouthful of a word for a lot of women, Polygamy.

You might think where does she get this stuff from, but not to sound overdramatic, recently, another misguided attempt at match-making by another so called “friend”(1), who insisted on setting me up with a friend of his who was an interesting party and had all the qualities I was looking for apparently, however he omitted to mention the fact that this Gentleman was actually MARRIED.

A happily married man at that, who also has a girlfriend whom he loves dearly according to him and three children in school, this PERFECT gentleman proposed marriage to me. Initial reaction would have been to stomp my feet and scream in indignation but instead I just lost speech hence no posts for over a fortnight.

After getting over the shock and my nerves reassembled themselves, I sat thinking about Polygamy…

I thought, or perhaps hoped it had disappeared like the plague or became as rare as dying from syphilis and consumption, but it seems as present as HIV and as funny as Cancer, a real dilemma for certain women, a daily living situation for some and a constant battle for others. Where would I even start?

Why would anyone want more than one partner? And how is this still allowed?

Polygamy is still widely practiced amongst Mormons and Muslims, albeit to different degrees, in Islam a man is allowed up to four wives, Mormons a lot more although the justifications are somewhat different.

In Islam Polygamy was allowed centuries ago at the time of the crusades and wars, when men died in battlefields leaving behind their young brides and children with no one to fend for them, multiple marriages were allowed for social reasons and to give these wives and children protection, food and shelter. There is a great emphasis on polygamy being allowed but not encouraged, and subjected to conditions, and if the man lacks those material and moral conditions, or he is not competent enough to satisfy all of them, then he should not be legible to have more than one wife, such conditions as the absolute equality between the wives and children, being able to provide for them and above all the agreement of the wife for the next marriage although the latter is often disputed and not always recognised.

Polygamy is still practiced in some regions of the Middle East and some rural areas of North Africa; though I never thought it would come so close to home for me.

In the rest of the world, Polygamy is regarded as a crime punishable by law, the Christian secular church prohibits it, even though the Old Testament allows it, it was only later on made illegal in most secular churches.

The Mormon Church also known as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, on the other hand, allows and encourages polygamy; it is a way of life for the Utah based church, although prohibited in the rest of the American states.

This practice that was created and allowed in times where the need for multiple marriages was honourable or helpful, no longer exists, why are men still allowed in this day and age to take on multiple wives and start multiple families?

Arguably, it is the word of God in the Quran and the old testaments, but if polygamy is allowed based on its origin, then should be the case for other practices that have no place in the modern day judicial system that claims is based on religious values and Islamic teachings. Why don’t they treat the sex traders with the treatment devised to them according to the Books?

From a diffrent angle, Polygamy has been viewed as a solution to low births and low marriage rates,

as was the case in Russia when Ultra-Nationalist politician Vladimir Jirinoski suggested legalising polygamy as a solution to nationality problems in Russia "if we helped just five per cent (of these couples) we would have around 200,000 extra births per year", he said.

Others like some Muslims in the UK use polygamy as a mean to collect benefit from the government by having multiple wives and marrying them through the spiritual ceremony "nikah", whereupon these wives are considered single mothers and are therefore entitled to a full range of "lone parent benefits". Although the government is aware of the issue, as concerns have been voiced from the predominantly Asian communities where these practices are taking place, cultural sensitivies stop politicians from addressing the problem.

Other polygamists or bigamysts (two wives) find themselves in this situation due to their illegal alien status in the host country, the plygamist would marry a women who would grant him the right to remain, and as soon as allowed to return home for a holiday, would then take up another wife, with very high chances of abandoning the first wife or keeping both unbeknown to either parties.

God may have allowed Polygamy and I am no one to argue, but it is being used for means that are outside of its rightful time and mean. Women are treated with very little respect, exchangeable and divorceable and used as statistical tools, to produce babies to boost numbers, to reap benefits from the welfare system and for men's pleasure and divertissement.

Being a Woman, a Muslim, Algerian and a UK foreign National, I find myself insulted by the very concept of polygamy and I would lobby against it in Algeria and here in England and so help me God if anybody else "proposes" again this year!

53 comments:

Hey Dz chick you forgot to mention all the afro-Caribbean man that don't even marry and have multiple partners and endless number of kids!There is also another point I would like to stress out is that in this modern age society it is very often the case where man and women date different people at the same time regardless of any moral conduct.I can see that you were offended by the fact that someone asked you to be his second or third wife in which you have the right to refuse but it is another matter to want to abolish a tradition that is has been held for well over 600 years.This issue of polygamy has surfaced recently due to right wing politics of muslims are producing too many kids compare to a dwindling white population.I believe this is a cultural issue that many people in the west regard as wrong but most would love to indulge in its pleasures!!!!

I'm glad to have you back:)and I'm sorry you had to go through this humiliation. But really, he was the one humiliating and embaracing himself. You are right about the history of polygamy and the reason why people practiced polygamy in the past. There is no way men nowadays can fulfil the conditions to allow them to have multiple wives. Now let me be the devil's advocate, is it really in human nature to have only one partner? I mean there's so many affairs out there among men AND women;it makes you think about the whole concept of marriage. Doesn't it? And btw, I don't like to share either:)

Believe what you like Cerrine! you just don't like to believe that an Algerian would be a polygamist, even though there are plenty of them...don't discount my story based on your pre consceptions of me it is quite offensive.

don't despair yet, you're slowly but surely making your way towards the right guy; a few more iterations of that process and eventually i suspect you will be wife no.1 ;) .

now, the other question is: serial monogamist (1 at a time for a short period of time, interspersed with random one-off bodily fluid exchanges) v/s polygamist (multiple, concurrent for a long time)?

Blue does have a valid point regarding multiple partners.Anonymous also makes an interesting point relating to cultural issues; in the west, polygamy is regarded as backwards and bla bla bla but cheating on 1's partner out of 'passsion' is almost ok.obviously, in the east, well, as long as you've got influence and affluence, anything goes lol.

@DZ-Chick: This is quite interesting and actually a more than small number of women are favorable to polygamy, especially for arranged marriages. Women feel they have like a sister to share chores, the education of the kids, etc.

And an interesting muslim marriage operating in Saudi Arabia: Misyar Marriages where not only women accept to be second, third or fourth wife but the whole thing in secret, the woman often stays at her parents and basically the man has no obligations towards the Misyar wife... Interesting read for more details about it : http://saudiwoman.wordpress.com/2008/06/20/misyar-marriages/

@Anonymous 1, thanks God not all westerners would enjoy pleasures of polygamy, huh! Funny as you reffer to men only! How come they have a right to "enjoy" while ladies don't. What a narrow minded and self- centered point of view. If that's such a beneficial state why don't you guys grant it for both: men and women. Conditions of life have changed, nowadays a lady can be number one provider. Also there is no issue anymore with indicating a father, blood test is enough to check it. It really pisses me off and I support Dz chick 100%.

In general: I have come across with a strange cases. Those who recall this beautiful "600 year tradition" should really research around. Many the muslim men look for marriage with westerner in order to climb on social ladder or gain some financial benefits while having his first and leading family back home. Also it happen that wife no. 2 or no.3 is totally unaware in which kind of dealing she was set up and what is her role: to be cross-funcional cashline and warranty of wealth for a so-called "leading family". So if it's a business from the begging to the end, let the ladies treat it as a business case only. And guys do not expect her to give up mind-blowing amount of money as a mahr. On the end if you seek for pleasure make sure woman is secured financially and do not expect love for free. I would presume - if you wish to share your life with more then one - to be as wealthy as some Gulf tycoons :-)

Cerrine, not believing in the veracity of Dz-chick story doesn't make the polygamy issue in Algeria disappear you know!! it excist and is still practiced, we all know that. Not that Dz-Chick needs me to deffend herself, nor she has/need to justify her views but what's with the verbal useless attacks?! When you have an argument, well just express yourself and don't be so defenisve. Dz-chick, I would love to have coffee with with you someday, you're fun :) let me know if you come to NYC..

shame on you for spreading false accusations about algerian men when you know they are not true.

your story has a major flaw. as an algerian women i know for a fact that only a very very small minority of a very very strict Wahhabis type of algerian man will want a second wife. i don't understand why your man will propose to marry you when religion is not his reason! he has no reason to ask for marriage when he can have as many girlfriends as he wish(based on your story he's married and has a girlfriend). he's reasoning is not based on religion but on sexual needs and this is very odd. why an algerian non-religious man will want marry to have sex when he can have as many girlfriends as he wishes.

i lived in the uk and i know the type of algerian men there, and there no way they thinkof polygamy.

If this is what a girlfriend think of you and what you deserve, you should ask yourself how you are perceived by your male friends?lol

There is no doubt that your reputation precedes you and this is why you're still single, for nearly five years now you've written about so many dates and men you've had/met and somehow they're all moved on to someone else better and probably they're all married and have children and you still single and blaming everybody else for your problems but yourself.

You shouldn’t blame your girlfriend, she did what she thought was right for you. You're friends value you on the basis of how you value yourself no more no less.

@ Irulana: I read somewhere that polyginy is allowed and not polyandry because men are supposed to have unstoppable lust and desires to have multiple partners and allowing them to have multiple wives is a way of minimising adultery in society, whereas if women practiced polyandry the ramifications are greater with regards to fatherhood and apparently women are more monogamous by nature and will not seek out a second or third partner and will very rarely initiate affairs I have a link somewhere will send to you!

@ s and Saode: he was not a close friend by any means and he saw nothing wrong with polygamy and neither did his friend the Algerian guy who lives in Algeria and who I have never even met which makes it all the more funny lol

@Anonymus called himself by misterious "J": although I am just a follower I must admit you are very well opinionated in a worst kind of way. Is that an effect of own feelings represion?! Are you satisfied with your "emipire state of mind"? :-) Just to let you know: thanks to Dz chick I have found out that there are ambitious, acute, down-to-earth, smart and adventurous ladies out there. Algerian ladies who empower themselves and able to think for themselves as well. As and elder sister I can say I would be really happy to such a intresting, mature and witty person by his side ( despite of religious difrences!). So man, please get a life and enjoy your lifelong attempt to reduce your congnitive dissonanse. Good luck!

Personal attacks on DZ Chick nearly ALWAYS come from men. They feel all compromised that a woman is out exceeding their expectations instead of at home baking fucking kesra.

Lady who say the proposer couldn't POSSIBLY be Algerian, did you leave your house this year?! Of course he could be Algerian. Only strict wahabi Algerians consider polygamy? Not so pal, my husband asks about it all the time I would never expect) to help with the housework. I am like; get a cleaner doofus. He knows a few people with two wives. HE IS ALGERIAN and SO are they. So Polygamy is alive and well in DZ, to say otherwise is DELUDING YOURSELF and not giving Algeria a bad name. Women like DZ Chick raise Algeria's profile internationally, they don't harm it. Educated, feisty, opinionated. Geez no wonder men are threatened.

What's wrong with these men who want to marry multiple women? I am a guy and there is no way I'll have more than one partner at a time, it's a logistical nightmare to deal with all that, the drama even if I was loaded with money.

Some of these men are sex addicts and use the Quran when it suites them. In some cases, I can see why polygamy can be used as an alternative. Some women who are desperate and cannot find a husband will consider this alternative and I know someone who took this option. Some will want to do it to get out of a worse situation... Sorry for what happened to you, this guy should've known better, he needs to approach a woman who has less options.

Anonymous, you gotta be kidding me!!!! Spreading false accusations? Did you get with all Algerian men and you know for a fact that they’re not polygamist??! Give me a break!! And when you say that his proposition wasn’t based on religion…hahahaha…so funny! Do you really think men seek a second and third wife to fulfill the requirements of the religion, really? And I agree with Leila, you live in lala land; TAKE THOSE BLINDERS OFF YOUR EYES!!! Ton esprit nationalist est mal placer ma cocotte, or is it the judgmental spirit?! That’s why Algeria is f*****up!!

let's use our minds who ask marriage directly like he didn't met blonde girl etc we know how does Algerian think

Dz-chick maybe they lied on you maybe he's not Algerian who knows coz the Algerian in england won't ask for marriage just like that in 1st meeting i know that types 'assoiffé sur les femmes" i'm sure he's : middleastern - indian-afghani-pakistan or golf coz golf - middlastern men when they met arabian women they just think and lie on woman "let's marry" trust me you won't marry and they don't marry their girlfriend like his girlfriend now coz sure she's not arab and asked u to marry just to get your number then things and let you don't just be stupid and believe anyone take care dear dz-chick <3

im very young (im not married and not planning to at the moment! lol ) and i would feel so humiliated if the guy i was going to marry had other wives whether the guy is algerian or not doesnt make a difference cuz ive met algerian men that had 2-3 wives and one of the women didnt know that her husband was married to 2 other people :S

Thanks MTF for your response. I agree with you, being able to see her husband un jour sur deux is wonderful and I believe, despite the polygamy issue, that this is a solution for split ups and divorces...ect..because it is as if having a lover/mistress legally..less arguments and more spicy life..we should reconsider the whole move in together concept when it comes to marriage...seriously!!we have a family friend who is maried in Algeria; they live in two different cities(travail oblige)not too fare from one another. She doesnt cook for him, she doesnt do the laundry for him. They get together only for the good time. "And they lived hapily ever after"..And I promise Anonymous it is a true story...loll

I have to say this is pretty much foreign territory for me. I knew a Mormon once during work in Colorado (close to Utah) but he lived monogamously but he did have about 15 kids. Other than that, polygamy might as well come from Mars. And people (read men) who defend it as a right or a good idea are just martian rejects. Just about most of what consenting adults get up to in our world at our selected moment in time, I've never felt like passing judgement on. Coercion, dominance, manipulation and similar being non-compromising exceptions to that. Polygamy has always seemed to me to exist only in situations where there is a complete imbalance. A man with a colossal ego or a woman with a desperate need. All the examples DZ gives in her article (I think) fit one or both of those two categories.

with regard to all the comments that 'it can't have been an Algerian man'. Thanks for giving me my laugh of the day :-)"I cannot see it therefore it doesn't exist". Is it ostriches who think that way? (a myth actually)

(DZ - help me here, are all the doubters of the existence of Algerian polygamists of the male persuasion? )

It isn't just that such a comment marks the individual as lacking in grey matter - I laugh at it because it so defines the male stereotype. So often, men will make some grand, sweeping statement, of supposed fact, declared with total and utter conviction, with all that is sacred in the universe as their witness, but all the time, in the very secret core of their being, they know it is total and complete bullshit because they just made it up.

On top form I see Formosa for an alien subject you have your bit to say :) The funny thing is I didn't single out Algeria in the article but like we say "qui se sent morveux, se mouche" god that's an old expression! Am I old? Don't answer that.

Algerian men do take on a second wife sometimes. I have seen it in Algeria with people that I know, even relatives, so I can comment on the topic. Unfortunately the common theme is that they do it late in life..after their kids have grown to be teenagers or in their early twenties. By that time, the man has usually acquired some money, a good social status, a house and a car or two and all this gets into his head and the first thing he thinks of is what? Let's get a new wife, one that goes with the new life he has just discovered he can have! At the expense of all the suffering the first wife has gone through to make him the successful man he became...all the support and the difficult times they went through to build the life they now have, all the savings they made to build their house, etc. They ALWAYS use religion as an excuse when it comes to polygamy even if this was to be the only thing they'd practice! They don't really understand the true meaning of polygamy in islam. In fact it's so difficult to be just that one would be scared to take a risk! These guys however ignore their first wives because they are out dated but they soon realise that they are better as soon as the novelty wears out but it's then too late. The first wife feels so hurt and humiliated that she can't forgive. I have seen guys realise the mistake they made but a tiny bit too late! Algerian men are selfish hypocrites in their majority. They oppress their wives and treat them like their subordinates and when they make money they think about having fun. I am a dz man before you all think I am an oppressed wife venting off. I love my wife and I can never imagine my life without her or imagine myself with someone else.

I had to look up the expression about blowing one's nose. Translates to the engish expression 'if the shoe fits, wear it'. For all those who got so upset at you, the line from Hamlet came to mind , "Methinks [he] doth protest too much". One of the polygamy types you didn't dwell on is when it happens in Western secular cultures - where of course it is illegal. This is where the Walter Mitty types come into the picture - accountant in Slough from Sunday to Wednesday and then a salesman in Rotherham Thursday to Saturday. Oh, and a wife and 2 kids in each city. Goes on for years before being discovered.

Just a quick historical overview on polygamy within Jewish community. Actually it was banned over 800 years ago by Rebe Gershon Ben Yehuda from Mainz ( Germany). Poligamy happens sometimes in a very conservative and tight circle between Yemenite Jews however Israel as a state forbids it.It's only religious ceremony then. Mormons are not considred as Christian. I wonder when ( and I preseume it's just a question of time) Sunni will drift to Shia temporary solutions such as: mutah with extension option. I belive those who invented it possesed very practical mid set :-)

DZ-chick some of your readers are totally deluded and unenlightened. How funny that all those that have accused you of lying (for what reason? God knows) cannot actually formulate a grammatically correct sentence (let's not mentionned the spelling)? Their style(if we can actually call it so)of writing depict their ignorance! As for the personal attack of your single status, I read this quote recently 'being single doesn't mean you are weak, it means you are strong enough to wait for what you deserve', need I say more? I have been single for 12 years because I won't settle for 2nd best and I don't care who has moved on to get married and have kids because those men were certainly not for me! @Cerrine, what shame is there in dating a non-Algerian man.......sors de ta campagne soeur, nous sommes en Europe apres tout and we are all one! As for the polygamy issue, men are just greedy creatures, I am game if he is game! What is good for the goose is good for the gander. I know I have used that expression before but it sums up the Algerian/Arabs/men mentality that they are permitted to do the unthinkable and you should conform to their rules!!

Miss Polemique I just re-read my post and I thought god it’s not very funny is it, but frankly the comments made up for the lack of jokes. Really you can’t make this stuff up.

I never once mentioned in the actually post Algeria as a prime example or even mentioned the nationality of the criminal (the proposer) but the self deluded, self righteous, sanctimonious individuals assumed I was ONLY talking about Algeria and he couldn’t be Algerian, truly funny I cannot replicate it if I tried.

Dz-Chick,I found your post about polygamy quite interesting and informative. Thanks for that.

As a non-Muslim female I cannot imagine such a situation if I had to share my husband with another woman or womEn.I have noticed when talking about polygamy, that it is normally justified by most of Muslims by its historical context and I don't really argue with that. However, one thing that I cannot understand is that if polygamy was allowed 600 hundreds years ago because of particular historical events, then it should be also banned in Koran later on so to avoid any further misunderstanding. In my humble opinion whatever is written in any holy book whether in Koran, Bible or Tora, should be regarded as timeless and universal. Otherwise it is still being practised in some Muslim countries or among Muslims living in non-Muslim countries. Why? Because Islam does allow it then and now. Or if I am wrong, please tell me. Maybe there is a point in Koran where it is stated clearly that polygamy is only permitted in that particular time or under these specific circumstances.I am not sure if I made clear what I mean :-)