Tell All: Sex life spoiled — by my own stomach

Dear Tell All: Ever since adolescence, I’ve been plagued by growling and gurgling noises in my stomach. For years I thought only I could hear them, but when I started dating I realized they were loud enough to scare off girls.

The scenario has played out over and over throughout my adult life. I meet someone, establish a rapport and invite her back to my apartment. We get comfortable on the couch and cuddle. Then, at the worst possible moment, my stomach kicks off its silly symphony, from high-pitched squeals to low-pitched rumbles.

I become embarrassed and she senses it. Or she becomes embarrassed and I sense it. Either way, failure is foreordained. Sometimes we muddle through with increasing awkwardness, and sometimes we pull apart with the unspoken understanding that sex is not in the cards.

I’ve seen several doctors about my sickening stomach, but they’ve found no medical problems. They’ve suggested changes in diet, which I’ve tried. Nothing seems to work.

Am I doomed to a loveless existence by my own gastrointestinal system?

Grunty

Dear Grunty: You need an advice columnist, not a doctor. Your problem isn’t medical, but psychological.

It all starts with your hyper-sensitivity on the couch. Most likely, your date isn’t put off by your stomach noises. Those are natural, and she’s surely heard such noises before. My guess is that she’s put off by your embarrassment. Because there are few things less sexy than a guy freaking out over his bowels.

My advice is to stop freaking out. I know that’s easier said than done, Grunty, but you need to make peace with your own body. For starters, try focusing on your date rather than on your internal organs. If she’s come all the way to your couch, you be confident that she likes you. So forge ahead no matter what the soundtrack.

Your job is to prove to her—and to yourself—that you’re more than the sum of your grumbles.