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Television

Ain’t NOBODY got time to watch the bloated Grammys, thankfully I am here to tell you what’s up, and what is definitely not up. For a full list of winners, go here, and then raise a glass of your prefered drink to Mumford & Sons for taking home the top prize this year, those adorable power strumming musical wunderboys.

One of us is shagging Carey Mulligan.

BEST – LL COOL J IS BACK! AND KEEPING IT REAL!

Last year I sang LL’s praises for doing a wonderful job hosting, and CLEARLY the Grammys read my blog and were like, yeah lets just make him host every year. Once again LL had a great flow, delivered some genuine words about the music community, and praised every artist present accordingly. This year they even remembered that he was a legendary rapper and let him close the show, where he invited Chuck D, Travis Barker and Tom Morello to rock out with him. He also made my heart explode with gratitude when he took the time in his performance to pay tribute to MCA, aka Adam Yauch, who lost his battle with cancer last year. I actually teared up.

*side note: Adam’s death was the first time I was completely wrecked by a celebrity death, I couldn’t even find the words to blog about it, or how to pay him tribute. Losing him was like losing a Beatle for me. The Beastie Boys played a huge part in my musical upbringing/education, and I think what they did for music was so important. Adam was their anchor, and my personal favourite. RIP MCA.

WORST – TAYLOR SWIFT NEEDS TO STOP

I’m not saying she needs to stop her career, but she needs to stop the childish antics. It ain’t cute and always comes off petty. Her latest? Mimicking an English accent when delivering the mid-song monologue of so he calls me up and he’s like ‘I still love you’, implying she’s talking about her latest ex, british dude Harry Styles from One Direction. Can you ever just leave the personal attacks out of it Taylor? LAWD. But props to her guitarist for desperately trying to keep that 2003 emo hair style trendy.

BEST – JT IS BRINGING THE SEXY ONCE AGAIN

After what seems like a billion years, Justin Timberlake decided to take a break from making his acting career happen, and went back to what he truly does best – looking fly as fuck and sitting on his throne amongst music royalty. His performance was more suave than anything I’ve seen in a while, and his signature falsetto was on point. Topped with the effortless dance moves, calling Jay-Z up to rap, and rocking a cute new haircut, we welcomed Justin back with open arms. He is much needed on the music scene. I’m already counting down the days till the new album blesses us mortals.

We’re glad you’re back too Justin.

Doing his thang.

WORST – WHY IS IT RAINING ON FUN?

Fun exploded on the scene last year and ruled the radio airways, so it was not surprising when they won Song of The Year, and Best New Artist. What was surprising is the random rain that was dropped on them in the last minute of their performance. Which Art Director was high as fuck when this decision was made? It looked rather silly and made the band seem like some weird NYU art display experiment. What was cute – Lena Dunham freaking out anytime they won anything since she’s banging the guitarist.

BEST – A NIFTY LITTLE DUET

The Grammys always try to keep it real by pairing up artists who would regularly not perform together. Usually this fails, but for once they got it surprisingly right by pairing cutie pie Ed Sheeran (dude who sings that song A-Team that was this year’s “Hey There Delilah”) with none other than Sir Elton John. Elton kept his voice restrained as he sang along with the shy newcomer, and the result was quite pretty and breathed some new life into a song that we are all tired of hearing, lets be real.

WORST – WTF IS ADELE WEARING

Oh Adele, I usually love your style, but you win the WTF award this year for wearing something that resembles both drapes AND a tablecloth from 1978. Meanwhile JLo is taking a note from Angelina Jolie from last year’s Academy Awards. Damn gurl.

BEST – THE ROCK N ROLL BOYS ARE MAKING PANTIES DROP

Jack White and Dan Auerbach reminded us that no matter how you look, if you know what to do with your guitar, hormones will rage. Jack White is never my cup of tea in the appearance department, but when he’s breathing into the mic surrounded by weird hot chicks and then proceeds to rock the fuck out by himself, y’all know I would hit that. Meanwhile Dan Auerbach of the Black Keys swaggered around on stage and sang in his perfect sexy blues voice fondling his guitar in a way where you wish it was your own body, wink, wink. Offstage – who cares. Onstage – ROCK SEX GODS. Oh shit, I just found out Dan and his wife split. CALL MY MAYBE.

WORST – WHY DO I LIKE PITBULL?

Besides being able to recognize his weird latin rap drawl instantly, I don’t really know much about Pitbull or his music, but his presence amuses me. I enjoy his never ending selection of suave suits and awkward flirting with whoever he is being interviewed by/presenting with at award shows. Drake shares my conflict/confusion – he basically reacted the same way when Pitbull took the stage.

kindred spirits

BEST – UNDERRATED PERFORMANCE OF THE EVENING

Rapper Whiz Khalifa and crooner Miguel took the stage alone, their only accessories being their snazzy suits, and brought the house down with one of those memorable performances because no was expecting anything from them. Half of the audience didn’t know who they were, and they took advantage of it. When there are no expectations, artists of course tend to be more comfortable. Whiz and Miguel had all the swagger and confidence they needed, and performed an awesome song which felt like a throwback to smooth 90’s R&B with Miguel giving it 200% in the vocal department. Half way through you could tell they were having that surreal moment when they realize they are performing at the FUCKING GRAMMYS, and just gave everything. Always great when you see someone’s dream happening on stage, and they are relishing in every second of it. By the end everyone was grooving – except for Sting. Sting grooves for no one.

I can’t have tantric sex to this.

WORST – NCIS CHICK IS BACK

Last year they let this random hot mess TV actress present, and they let her back on stage again. WHY? WHO IS SHE BANGING? Dave Grohl was having none of his presenting partner. Seriously, is this chick dating a musician I’m not aware of? Side note – the random TV actors who present are always awkward as fuck at the Grammys. It’s like they got invited by the cool kids to an exclusive party and have no idea what to wear or say.

BEST – KELLY CLARKSON IS ADORABLE

Was so happy for Kelly’s win! She is such a down to earth artist, and her voice is incredible. Her acceptance speech was precious, and she rightfully called out Miguel’s great performance by calling it “the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen!”. Also I’m not sure what she said to Katy Perry and her new bad boy boyfriend John Mayer, but I’m thinking it’s something along the lines of “Your girlfriend is super hot and her tits look amazing tonight.” and John’s all “DON’T I KNOW IT.”

WORST – RIHANNA AND CHRIS BROWN ARE CRAZY

I honestly think Rihanna and Chris Brown have dived into some crazy ass world where only they exist. It was chilling to see them sit side by side, PDA in full effect, when only a few years ago Chris Brown beat the shit out of her after the 2009 Grammy Awards. I touched on this subject before in last year’s Grammys post, but to see Rihanna back with him, and later singing a song that was BLATANTLY about their relationship, was just extremely uncomfortable. I felt tense anytime the camera panned to them. Also once again Chris Brown was acting like a douche. He was still sitting there with a sense of entitlement that makes me want to vomit.

BEST – FLAWLESS ARTISTS SINGING TOGETHER

After the in memoriam montage, a bunch of really awesome artists came together to sing “The Weight” by The Band, and it was effortlessly cool. Mumford & Songs, fucking T-BONE BURNETT, Mavis Staples, Sir Elton John, the incredibly talented Brittany Howard from Alabama Shakes, and I think the dude from Zac Brown Band, all banded together perfectly to make us feel the right amount of soul and nostalgia.

WORST – JESUS CHRIST DEPP

Just… lay off the spray tan and get it together, will ya? Also Steven Tyler called, he’s gonna need some of those scarves back.

BEST – BOW TO MUSIC ROYALTY

Beyonce and Jay-Z made a rare award show appearance together, and reminded us why they rule the music biz. They just ooze power, and they fucking know it. Seated with them was Justin Timberlake (obviously) and Beyonce’s sister Solange. When Fun made their acceptance speech, they casually thanked Jay-Z as a joke cause he is legit like the Godfather of music right now, and the camera HILARIOUSLY cut to Jay-Z who was fucking sipping from a glass of cognac or some shit, while Jessica Biel (I keep forgetting she’s married to JT) and Solange sipped champagne, and mouthed “you’re welcome”. BOOM. JAY-Z UP IN DA GRAMMY’S, ALLOWED TO DRINK ALCOHOL IN HIS SEAT. NOT GIVING A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING. BOW. Best moment of the whole broadcast.

OBLIGATORY NICOLE KIDMAN HAVING A GREAT FUCKING TIME AT THE GRAMMYS THANKS YOU FOR YOUR TIME.

OMG it’s that time of the year. The time we come together. The time we celebrate. The time we laugh, we cry. BECAUSE THE GOLDEN GLOBES HAPPENED. The head bitch in charge of award season. Screw the Oscars, GG is where it’s at. More ridiculousness! More surprises! More booze! More of Bill Murray looking like this!

I thought this was the Independent Spirit Awards.

As always, I MUST share my best and worst moments. Get yourself a glass of Moet, and lets pretend we were in attendance?

BEST – ZINGERS GALORE!

I’m not a huge Tina Fey fan, but I could easily run the Amy Poehler fan club, so I was glad to see her partnered up with the Fey to ease my disdain for her. The two did a bang up job hosting, and got in some AMAZING zingers that put Ricky Gervais to shame. Take note Gervais, not everything you say has to be malicious to be an interesting host, a well timed zinger every 45 minutes can do wonders. Some of my personal faves:

“Tonight we honour the television shows that have entertained us all year, as well as the films that have only been in theatres for 2 days.”

“Ricky Gervais could not be here tonight, because he is no longer technically working in show business.”

“Anne Hathaway you gave a stunning performance in Les Miserables. I have not seen someone so totally alone and abandoned like that since you were onstage with James Franco at the Oscars.”

And of course, the biggest zinger of the night when addressing best director nominee Kathryn Bigelow…

“I haven’t really been following the controversy over Zero Dark Thirty, but when it comes to torture, I trust the lady who spent 3 years married to James Cameron.”

Which garnered a sitcom like “OOOHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! BUUUUURRRNNN!!!!” from the audience, as displayed here by ginger queen Jessica Chastain.

WORST – STUNT GAG FAIL

The only misstep the ladies took in their hosting gig was an oddly timed gag where one of them would add themselves to a nominee list dressed in bizarre costumes with bizarre names. It barely worked when Poehler did it first, but then Tina brought it back later as well, and it also got barely any laughs. Y’all are funny on your own, no need for skits ladies!

BEST – TOMMY LEE JONES IS HAVING NONE OF YOUR SHIT

This does not entertain me.

During Kristin Wiig and Will Ferrell’s hilarious skit introducing their nominees, Tommy Lee Jones made the most amazing “bitch please” face while everyone else was roaring with laughter. Stay cool Jones.

WORST – DAMN, WHAT HAPPENED AFRICA?

Dennis Quaid took a break from filming something mediocre to show us his latest botox injections. He is looking scary. Poor Kerry Washington opted to stand quietly beside him and not make eye contact with The Thing.

BEST – MICHAEL J. FOX HAS A MINI ME

This year the awards were handed out by Clint Eastwood’s daughter, and Michael J. Fox’s son, WHO IS HIS MINIATURE CLONE. Cutest.thing.ever. Michael was there looking like a proud father, and it made me emotional. Oh mini me, can you star in a remake of Back to the Future?!

WORST – THE HOUR LOSES

I was hoping for a surprise win for the BBC mini-series “The Hour”, but alas it went to the Sarah Palin biopic “Game Change”. Predictable as fuck. The Hour is a sassy BBC series set during the cold war about an hourly news program starring flaw free Romola Garai and Ben Whishaw. It’s like Mad Men, but more British, and more spies! And we can ALWAYS use more spies.

BEST – CATHERINE SPAZZES OUT

Gorgeous Catherine Zeta-Jones came out to announce Best Picture nominee “Les Miserables” and inexplicably sang the first line of “Do You Hear The People Sing?” in the most wooden way possible, and then waited for a reaction, which was complete silence. It was awkward as fuck, and exactly what you expect a presenter to spontaneously do after a few drinks at the Golden Globes. Keeping the tradition alive. Thanks Catherine!

WORST – THEN THIS HAPPENED

Us too Coops, us too.

Every year we gotta roll out one of the HFPA people, and this year it was this ancient woman who is the actual PRESIDENT of the entire thing. She tried to crack a few jokes but her timing was pretty off due to the fact that a) she was a 100 and confused b) they didn’t make much sense. These speeches are always so forced, it’s painful to watch. Her parting line to Bradley Cooper of “Call me maybe?” was horrific, but it did give us this reaction from The Coops, so I guess she’s forgiven.

BEST – PAUL RUDD AND SALMA ARE SPEECHLESS

After the teleprompter failed to feed them their lines, Salma Hayek and Paul Rudd forgot that they were actors who can usually make something up on the fly. Instead they ended up standing there awkwardly until everyone began laughing at them, so they joined in on laughing at their own their fail boat. Extra points for them being a smoking hot duo.

Best part was Salma trying to remember what they were presenting on her own as we hear her say “it’s something about the best….” as we cut to the nominees.

WORST – ANNE HATHAWAY’S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH

I love, love Anne, I really do. But her her breathy, overly emotional speech after winning Best Supporting Actress rang false. Gurl, you know you had this in the bag, DO NOT EVEN LIE. It’s like when Kate Winslet swept up for The Reader, by the time we got to the Oscars it was a sure bet, and she still got all “ohmygodisthishappening” on us, which gets old after the 3rd time we’ve seen you win for the same role. See also Melissa Leo when she swept up for The Fighter. Get it together Hathaway, I expect a more genuine and put together speech by Oscar time. You only get this one practice round.

BEST – JOHN GOODMAN IS A GOOD SPORT

John Goodman came out to present Argo (in which he had a role) with real life Tony Mendez, in which the film was based on. Poor Tony looked terrified to be on a live broadcast and fumbled through his part, which we barely heard due to him standing away from the mic. Goodman stood by him and barely flinched or made any flick of something being wrong. I feel like Mendez would have died of embarrassment if Goodman would have tried to motion him closer to the mic or something, but instead he stood by him like a watchful giant, giving death eyes to the crowd as if to say “nobody even smirk.” Kudos to him.

WORST – SACHA, JUST BE YOURSELF

Sacha Baron Cohen made a name for himself by playing hilarious characters (Borat, Bruno, Ali G), but recently has made some good acting choices to show that well, he can act. But when he came out to present best animated film with a glass of cognac and threw out some boring one liners in a weird over the top accent, it was stupid. Sacha, we know you can be funny, don’t need to be in character all the time. Would have been nice for you to just act normal for once. We’ve started taking you seriously, time you did as well.

BEST – ADELE IS JUST ONE OF US

After winning for Best Original Song for Skyfall, Adele took the stage shrieking in delight. It was her first night out after giving birth, and you could tell. She was clearly having a riot at the party, and winning was icing on the cake. Her ecstatic “Thank you so much for letting me be a part of your world for one night, it’s amazing, we’ve been pissing ourselves laughing! Thank you to the Hollywood Foreign Press, I’d never thought I’d say that!” was adorable. The 2 second cutaway as well to Taylor Swift looking confused about not winning for her Hunger Games song was equally pleasurable.

wut.

WORST – JODIE FOSTER’S SPEECH

Some will find it inspiring, and some confusing. I just found it preachy and somewhat hypocritical. Jodie Foster won the coveted Cecil B. Demille award, which she greatly deserves. Unfortunately her speech came off rather bitter about her entire career. She went on to complain that she deserved privacy, but then proceeded to bait and tease us that she was announcing after all these years that she’s gay, but ended up making a joke instead. Listen, you want to keep your private life private, that’s totally fine. As a celebrity you don’t owe us anything. But don’t make a grand important speech about it, and then PROCEED to bait the media by pulling a stunt gag of fake coming out. Unnecessary. Also blabbering on about how you’ll refuse to do a reality show, and that you’re not “a honey boo boo child” just made you sound pity. It wasn’t funny or charming. No one wants a Jodie Foster reality show, you have nothing to worry about. You are such an inspirational woman, and I wish your speech wouldn’t have focused on such trivial things. Also bringing Mel Gibson as your date and proclaiming your love for him was uncomfortable considering he’s psychotic, and racist.

BEST – KEVIN COSTNER GETS SENTIMENTAL

Costner surprisingly won an acting award for the mini-series Hatfields & McCoys. He still looks smoking, and ended up giving quite a humble speech about his career. It almost felt like a send off (which I hope not!!!), and the room grew silent over his heartfelt words about being an actor in Hollywood.

“Short walk, long career. I didn’t – you know there’s a lot of people to thank along the way, it’s been a dream for sure […] I just wanna say this, I know the speeches don’t wanna be long on this night, but I just couldn’t help thinking the first night I came into this room. It was a long time ago, and I was an unknown actor, and the red carpet, I walked on it, and the bulbs were going and they were flashing, and photographers were yelling at the actors to look at them… no one said anything to me. I was just walking and hoping to have some kind of career and I came into this room and the lights went down, and I watched a celebration of the career of the legendary Gregory Peck. Was a good night that night to watch his body of work. I see a lot of friends out here, people that I don’t know, but people’s work that I have watched and maybe even borrowed. And it’s been a great ride, and I want to thank the Golden Globes because it is a good night to celebrate, but more importantly we get a chance to illuminate movies that people might not have ever seen, and now they will. Performances they might not have ever been seen, now they will. Thanks.”

WORST – CLAIRE DANES SHUT UP

Lets steam roll over the fact that you look amazing a month after having your baby (uuuggghhhh), but your opening line of “Wow I have to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press for being so insanely generous towards me.” was soooooooo full of it I had to laugh. Basically “Ahahahaha peasants I’ve won so many times this ain’t no thang, I guess I can put this in my bathroom for decoration.” GURL YOU BETTER CHECK YOURSELF, BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF.

BEST – GIRLS BEAT MODERN FAMILY

Hate her or love her, it was nice to see Lena Dunham throw Modern Family off it’s throne with her new show Girls. First she beat Sofia Vergara in the best actress category, and then took the surprise win for the big trophy for Best Comedy Series. Watching her and her co-stars rush the stage in child like glee was refreshing. Bonus points for her thanking Chad Lowe for no reason. But Lena, if you’re gonna keep showing up at these award shows, PLEASE learn to walk in heels. It was painful watching you.

WORST – JENNIFER GARNER IS WEARING A CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT

I love me some Jen Garner, but girl look busted in this red sparkly number. Made her boobs look whack, and her figure atrocious. Sidney Bristow, we know you can do better than this.

BEST – BEN AFFLECK WINS

Ben Affleck did not get nominated for this year’s Oscars for Best Director for Argo, but he’s been leaving a giant trail of “fuck you” now that’s he’s won the Critic’s Award and Golden Globe for best director. He did do quite a good job, so it’s nice to see him take it home. I can’t decide what’s more adorable, the fact that he forgot to thank producer George Clooney in his acceptance speech so he made wife Jennifer Garner say it before presenting her nominees, or that his kids scribbled their names on his hand for good luck. DILF. DILF. DILF.

WORST – JAY LENO SHOWED UP

Poor sweet Jimmy Fallon was paired with bloated and shiny Jay Leno to present an award. Jimmy tried to keep his cheerful persona on while they quipped about “leading others into new and exciting career paths”, but Leno’s slimy brush offs such as “or they can stay where they are, and keep doing exactly what they’re doing” ruined the gag, because you know he wasn’t joking. Thanks for reminding us that you are running the Tonight Show till it dies. Ugh get out of here Leno, no one likes you. *Insert polite laughter*

BEST – SOMEWHERE WILL ARNETT IS FURIOUS

This year a Hollywood golden couple that we thought were solid broke up. Will Arnett and Amy Poehler seemed to be living in comedy bliss, so news of their divorce was shocking. Amy Poehler is a national treasure, and no one wants to see Leslie Knope upset. But in the end, even though she didn’t win for best actress (WHICH SHE SHOULD HAVE), Amy still was the true winner of the night. She looked stunning. She had the best zingers. She rocked some serious sexy cleavage. And she canoodled with George Clooney. God speed Amy Poehler, you are a gem.