Chelsea board outline sacking strategy

Chelsea football club have today outlined their long-term strategy for sacking managers, less than two hours after sacking current muse, Roberto Di Matteo.

In an interview with our business correspondent, Chairman Bruce Buck said that “Roberto’s sacking earlier today, means we can now finally begin instigating our long term strategy of sacking promising managers, which we believe, will put the club firmly on the path towards its rightful place as third-division champions”.

Industry analysts have responded negatively to the announcement, which many believe, is the result of a directors’ night out in Moscow with three coke dealers and a Humvee full of Lithuanian working-girls, however, many pundits believe the strategy signals a return to growth for Chelsea, indicating that the move could be a new benchmark in strategic sacking.

Although Chelsea remain secretive about the move, a source close to the club has indicated that the strategy could include the ritual sacking of Pep Guardiola, Rafael Benitez, Player-Manager John Terry, Theo Walcott, Lionel Messi and Ricardo Faltacci; an as yet unborn boy from Naples, who will go on to have a glittering career in Serie-A, before leading Accrington Stanley to three successive Champions league trophies and a plethora of domestic silverware, it is believed he will last around 3-months in the Chelsea job.

In a move which many pundits see as an open invitation to Chelsea high-inquisitor, Roman Abramovich, Sacking Target Rafael Benitez, said of the speculation “I feel honoured to be linked with being sacked from a club like Chelsea, it would be like getting the sack from Liverpool, only with more money, and better players to wave me off from the car park”.

One popular pundit, when quizzed about why Harry Redknapp didn’t feature in the strategy said “Harry's a good shout, I’ll give you that, but to be fair to him, Chelsea already have a boat-load of reasons to sack him so it’d just be seen as an empty gesture”, he added, “Abramovich likes to remain mysterious, and the ritual sacking of Harry Redknapp would be as obvious as Cliff Richard auditioning for the X-Factor in pink dungarees and a sequin trilby.”