Mostly Pleasant [Possibly Offensive] Perceptions

Breaking Point

I live in a fantasy world rich with freedom; another day, another daydream. I feel imaginary warmth of the sun & the pseudo brightness pains my closed eyes. I’m there.

Where ever there is…it’s just not here.

My eyes flash open & I’m forced to look at what my life has become. The bruise fresh on my arm feels tender and I’m running out of answers to the delicate questions. Is my soul not equipped with a breaking point?

He’s in a good mood today.

On the surface there lies lovely relief; on the other hand, days like today…my delusions are brought to a new level. The justification process within me is quite astonishing. I long for days like this; everything is perfect. He loves me.

This is why I put up with it.

It.

That tiny word starts haunting me as I begin to wrap my head around what it is.

Fooling myself is less difficult than fooling others. I smile a robotic smile hoping if I squint my eyes in a swift motion with my upturned lips that my happiness will be convincing.

The more I think about it,the more I begin to realize…there is no need to label it any further than I have. I need to stop thinking so hard.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

Years of suppressed thoughts begin snaking their way into my undervalued brain while denial & justifications wrestle with this new-found logic.

For the first time, Logic wins; I win.

My imaginary departure from the vicious cycle that I’ve called life will no longer be repressed. I quit. I’m free.

I completely agree with J. Sander. This story seriously packed a punch. As soon as you mentioned the bruise it just…this story just hurt. It was so poignant and contemplative. It truly didn’t feel like fiction in the slightest, which is both impressive and scary at the same time. I liked reading the pondering about the reality of “it.”
I felt very “there,” and with each line- I was terrified that things might get worse but hopeful that they might get better. Thank God you ended this on a hopeful note! It flowed wonderfully, absolutely vivid details, this has it all, Jen! It’s definitely a shocker to see this side of your writing. It’s full of beauty and depth, but such a contrast (or really, a compliment) to your regular writing. You can write it anything with wonderful skill!
Amazing.

I’m so relieved that this story was able to covey the emotion I was hoping for. It felt very heavy as I wrote it.
Without an elaborate amount of detail – this piece of writing was in a sense, therapeutic. I spent two unpleasant years in an abusive relationship, that even after being with my pretty stellar husband for 5 years & now knowing what real love is – the past experiences have scared a very small portion of my heart.
I’m not fragile about it, or even sensitive to the topic – As I was writing I was just really hoping that the words I chose – captured the reality
…If that makes sense.
I love how your comments always make me look back and view at my own writing differently, I really value that. Thank you!

I’m so sorry that this came from an unfortunate reality for you, but I’m so glad you were able to escape and find (or return to) true love. I can imagine that those memories wouldn’t fade easily. Without taking the depth and seriousness from the situation, it seems that the experience has made you stronger in so many ways. Thank you so much for sharing that part of your past which, I’m sure, wasn’t enjoyable to reflect upon.

Past experiences, even bad ones sometimes force you to grow in ways you didn’t even think were possible. I can now truthfully say that I like who I am & I wouldn’t be who I am without those 2 years. That relationship also produced my little man monster…& that alone makes those 2 years well worth it.
I’m considering making a separate page to add to the top of my blog for my fiction. Since it seems to take a different path than my main style of writing, I don’t want anyone reading getting confused…I can’t guarantee I won’t revisit those emotions at some point.
I’m going to play around with it a little this week.