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In a shock announcement, Theresa May has decided that the outcome of the UK’s Brexit negotiations with the EU will be determined by a no-holds-barred cage match between Jeremy Corbyn and herself.

“I’ve had it,” the Prime Minister stated to a stunned press conference, while wearing a bracelet made from the ears of Jacob Rees-Mogg and Boris Johnson. “I’ve fucking had it. The deal is shit, let’s face it, but it’s the best I could do. If that tosser Corbyn wants a go, then bring it on. I’ll fuck him up like I fucked up this country.”

Theresa “The Mayniac” May

A response from Labour Party HQ came swiftly. After reading out a letter by David from Somerset for no particular reason, Corbyn announced that he would gladly accept the challenge. His intention, he claimed, was to sign a Brexit deal “for the many not the few” with ink made from May’s blood since “Tories may be blue but the bastards all bleed Labour red.”

Jeremy “Corbynator” Corbyn

Bookies are divided on who will emerge victorious from the contest. Corbyn comes to the fight buoyed up by a wave of popular support, and is adept at wielding his chosen weapons of poisonous jam-smeared hammer and sickle. May, however, once emerged from a wheat field after single-handedly defeating a rampaging horde of blood-crazed dormice using only her personality, and is notoriously both strong and stable.

Infobomb has been informed that, in a stunningly-popular decision, both contenders intend to team up before the main event in order to beat the absolute living shit out of Nigel “Mr Toad” Farage. Tickets are on sale now; this is one leadership battle that you will not want to miss.

After calling for a ban on milkshakes containing 39 teaspoons of sugar, campaign group Action on Sugar have dramatically escalated their activities by demanding that the BBC immediately cancel the Apprentice.

“For too long we’ve been concerned with the grotesque levels of sugar in food and drink,” stated campaign spokesperson Irma Gerd, “but now we feel the time has come to address the toxic influence of Sugar in media as well, and the Apprentice was the natural place to start. I mean, have you seen this year’s candidates?”

Infectious: avoid all contact

Opponents have hit back, claiming that adults are perfectly capable of making their own choices about what to eat, drink and watch, but Action on Sugar has dismissed this argument.

“The nonsensical ramblings of glucose-junkies,” their spokesperson responded. “We only want what’s best for people, and if they can’t appreciate that, they’re wrong.”

Action on Sugar’s new advertising campaign

Our reporter phoned Lord Sugar for a response which was as follows: “What? Who the f*ck would come up with something so— is that you, Katie? How did you get this number?”

After launching a legal battle to change his age from sixty-nine to forty-nine, Dutchman Emile Ratalband has also announced that he wishes to be legally registered as a motor vehicle.

The idea apparently first came to him after he provided the voice for the character Vladimir Trunkov in the Dutch-language version of Cars 2.

“When you think about it, it’s not all that crazy,” said the trainer in neurolinguistic programming, when our reporter visited him in his padded cell. “We live in a time when you can change your name and change your gender. Why can’t I decide I’m a car as well as changing my age too?”

Ratalband’s current picture on Tinder.

“My night-vision isn’t what it was,” Ratalband continued, in between running around our reporter making vroom-vroom sounds, “although it’s not bad for someone who’s sixt— forty-nine. If I had headlights that would never be an issue again. Plus I am pretty slim by motor vehicle standards. No getting stuck in traffic jams for me!”

It’s not clear how well the legal battle will go for Ratalband, who was recently banned from all petrol stations in the Netherlands after attempting to use a nozzle to refuel. However, all is not lost, as we have been informed he has just been accepted for a position with Uber.

In news that has shocked basically everyone who is aware of who he is, Piers Morgan has been announced as the new James Bond.

Infobomb understands that Morgan first came to the attention of big Hollywood execs after launching a stinging attack on Daniel Craig, the current James Bond, for the crime of carrying his own child, which in Morgan’s opinion is extremely unmanly.

Shocking, apparently.

“The story opened our eyes to new possibilities,” said A.B. Scutemeyer III, an important film mogul according to his business card. “We’ve long thought that Bond, with his out-dated attitudes, isn’t a good fit for the 21st Century. He’s not even a great spy since he tells his actual name to anyone who asks. What we need is a new kind of Bond, a man that nobody would suspect of being a secret agent. Morgan fits the bill perfectly.”

Raw, unfettered sexuality.

The news has been controversial, to say the least. Some have claimed that Morgan is little more than a flabby maggot-man with a bloated, unrealistic sense of his own importance, and that the role of James Bond would be better played by literally anyone else, up to and including Tinky Winky from the Teletubbies.

Others disagree, claiming that the idea of Piers Morgan having the living shit beaten out of him on a giant cinema screen for two hours does have a certain appeal.

Morgan starts work soon on the new Bond film, in which he reportedly faces a race against time to manfully hack a dead girl’s phone for some reason.

Controversy has once again gripped social media following the announcement that the part of Stitch in the upcoming live-action Lilo and Stitch Disney film will be played by Scarlett Johansson.

Many are not pleased that the role will be taken by Scarlett, known best for her work in various Marvel movies and a limited-release adaptation of Cluedo.

Scarlett, in the library, with the candlestick

“It’s the ultimate in cultural appropriation,” claimed Dean Lulworthy, a long-time advocate for social justice with almost fifty followers on Twitter. “First she took the part of Motoko in Ghost in the Shell, despite not being Japanese. That was bad enough. But now… now she’s appropriating the role of a whole other species, one that’s not even native to this planet! All I expect is that casting should remain true to the cultural origins of the part. Is a little effort too much to ask for from Hollywood these days?”

Others have pointed out that, though a talented actress, Ms Johansson might struggle to realistically play the part of a three-foot tall alien that resembles a blue, less-stupid koala.

Not Scarlett Johansson

Some, though, have heralded the move as a bold one. “Scarlett’s really good at what she does, very versatile,” gushed Helena Hanbascet, “and I’ve got no doubt she can really bring the character to life. After all, she did really well in the Avengers movies as Black Widow, and she isn’t even a spider.”

Following a recent resolution to replace clapping with “jazz hands”, Manchester Student Union has been accused of cultural appropriation by the jazz community.

“Jazz arose in the late 19th and early 20th century in African-American communities of the US,” explained Louise Armstrong, acclaimed jazz expert and owner of six cats. “It is a proud part of their heritage, existing to declare their triumphs and struggles to the world, not to be abused by crypto-oppressive students who clearly don’t understand their position on the hierarchy of privilege.”

Oppression in action.

The resolution was apparently intended to accommodate students with anxiety issues, who might be triggered by loud noises such as applause, as well as those with sensory and disability issues. Not all has gone to plan, however.

“They said I’d received a standing ovation,” said Evie Wonder, after giving a ninety-minute speech on the importance of attaching trigger warnings to all copies of the Chronicles of Narnia in public libraries. “I’m completely blind so that was lost on me. And the breeze from the waving hands was damn cold, which is insensitive to those with temperature-comfort issues like myself. The SU needs to do better.”

Hitler clapped for things. Just saying.

Izzy Gillespie, spokesperson for Manchester SU, defended the decision. “It’s important for people with anxiety and other issues to know that activists like myself will improve things for them, whether asked to or not. Jazz hands is a Broadway thing anyway, so it’s not appropriative surely?”

After being informed that denying that something is appropriative could also be considered appropriative, Gillespie terminated the interview so that she could go attend a cultural sensitivity seminar, then vomit.

In other news the University of East Anglia has demolished all its staircases in order to make its buildings more accessible to students with mobility issues. The crowdfunding for the replacement lifts and ramps has yet to reach its goal.

The Conservative Party’s annual conference is currently taking place in Birmingham, much to the delight of political journalists and absolutely nobody else, and has once again been marred by controversy. Last year was notable for Theresa May’s coughing fit during her keynote speech, when the last of her political credibility was observed escaping from her body as fast as it possibly could. This year’s, if anything, is even more spectacular, and we have a reporter on scene to keep you informed.

Highlights follow. For convenience we have included their job titles, since nobody really has a clue what any of them do at any given moment.

Gavin Williamson (Secretary of State for Defence) has been caught on record describing Vladimir Putin as a giant poopy head, and has once again suggested Russia should shut up and go away as they don’t play by the rules and also their alphabet is stupid.

Totally knows what he’s doing.

Philip Hammond (Chancellor of the Exchequer, Ebenezer Scrooge without the charming personality) attempted to burn an effigy of Boris Johnson on stage, but was unable to do so due to his Bic lighter running out of fuel. He asked the audience to imagine the effigy burning like the building in that film the Rock was in (not Doom, the other one) while he described the many benefits of Brexit including free trade deals and feudalism. Occasionally he mimed warming his hands next to the resolutely-unburned effigy. The conscious portion of the crowd went wild.

Our daring reporter managed to catch Boris Johnson (professional fence-sitter, abuser of tea) at the buffet table wolfing down an entire plate of caviar smeared on Jacob’s Crackers. He asked him the question that has been on everyone’s minds: namely how he has had so many affairs, given that he is a man with all the sex appeal of a sack of potatoes left to fester submerged in a bog for eight months, then topped off with a heap of mouldy thatch harvested from the roof of a haunted cottage.

Honestly, who wouldn’t?

His response was as follows: “Yeah but, er, what you don’t get is, I mean, if you just, if you, erm, come on, that’s a little, erm, can I be Prime Minister yet?”

Our reporter informs us that a pole is being set up on the stage even as he files this article. It’s to be hoped that Theresa May intends to use it to perform one of her trademark dances that will unlock the final gate of Hell, drowning us all in an endless tide of rampaging demonspawn.

We asked Jeremy Corbyn, supposed leader of the Opposition, for a comment, but he has barricaded himself in a potting shed on his allotment and is refusing to come out.