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My grandmother suffered a stroke last week. At first it seemed like she was going to recover. She was able to move her body, talk and recognize people… but then she had another stroke and she got much worse. She passed away this morning, hours after being sedated.
Everything’s happened very fast and I feel like I’m not even aware that she’s gone.

In the last few days I’ve been spending many hours in the hospital next to her and the rest of my family. I come from dysfunctional family and I don’t have a close relationship with most of my relatives. Some of them have repeatedlty hurt me in the past and I generally try to avoid being around them.

The relationship with my grandmother was kind of complicated. I used to adore her as a kid, but she was always very strict and demanding with me. She would often made me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough; but she was loving and sweet with my cousins. (More things happened but I won’t go into details now…)
I feel bad for writing this, but I can’t talk to many people about it without sounding insensitive or like I didn’t love her. I did love her, but in the past few days I think I’ve been feeling more affected by thinking of the bittersweet memories I have of her, than by the fact that she was dying.
I’m really struggling to figure out what I feel right now.

Yesterday after she was sedated some of my relatives sat next to her bed and talked to her. Everyone said how much they loved her, and how thankful they were for the moments they had shared with her.
I didn’t say anything out loud, but I sat there for hours holding her hand and thinking “You did good”, “You are good”, “I forgive you”. Then I started crying of relief because I felt like I was finally letting go of the pain I had been feeling for years. Does this make sense?… Am I being selfish or insensitive?

I feel like everything is a mess right now. Being around my family has triggered some old memories and feelings. I'm constantly fighting the urge to hurt myself or make myself purge. I don't know how to cope

I’m gonna have to see my relatives again in the next 3 days and it’s gonna be hard… Then on Monday it’s my birthday (which is often something difficult for me, and even more given the current situatuation) I only want to be left alone right now.
I’m constantly going from feeling overwhelmed to not feeling anything at all.

I guess this post kind of turned into a rambling... if someone's read all of this thank you.

My grandmother suffered a stroke last week. At first it seemed like she was going to recover. She was able to move her body, talk and recognize people… but then she had another stroke and she got much worse. She passed away this morning, hours after being sedated.
Everything’s happened very fast and I feel like I’m not even aware that she’s gone.

In the last few days I’ve been spending many hours in the hospital next to her and the rest of my family. I come from dysfunctional family and I don’t have a close relationship with most of my relatives. Some of them have repeatedlty hurt me in the past and I generally try to avoid being around them.

The relationship with my grandmother was kind of complicated. I used to adore her as a kid, but she was always very strict and demanding with me. She would often made me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough; but she was loving and sweet with my cousins. (More things happened but I won’t go into details now…)
I feel bad for writing this, but I can’t talk to many people about it without sounding insensitive or like I didn’t love her. I did love her, but in the past few days I think I’ve been feeling more affected by thinking of the bittersweet memories I have of her, than by the fact that she was dying.
I’m really struggling to figure out what I feel right now.

Yesterday after she was sedated some of my relatives sat next to her bed and talked to her. Everyone said how much they loved her, and how thankful they were for the moments they had shared with her.
I didn’t say anything out loud, but I sat there for hours holding her hand and thinking “You did good”, “You are good”, “I forgive you”. Then I started crying of relief because I felt like I was finally letting go of the pain I had been feeling for years. Does this make sense?… Am I being selfish or insensitive?

I feel like everything is a mess right now. Being around my family has triggered some old memories and feelings. I'm constantly fighting the urge to hurt myself or make myself purge. I don't know how to cope

I’m gonna have to see my relatives again in the next 3 days and it’s gonna be hard… Then on Monday it’s my birthday (which is often something difficult for me, and even more given the current situatuation) I only want to be left alone right now.
I’m constantly going from feeling overwhelmed to not feeling anything at all.

I guess this post kind of turned into a rambling... if someone's read all of this thank you.

Grief is a funny thing. There are many ways to grief.

No it not selfish or insensitive. It ok to feel relief from the hurt, anger you held on for you. Try to be kind to yourself. Do something nice for yourself.

Take a marker where you want to hurt yourself at give away anything that you can injury yourself with. Take yourself out so you are not alone during this dark time.

Thank you for taking the time to read the post and comment. It's been 2 months now and I'm doing a little better.
I've been keeping myself busy lately and I haven't really taken time to process my emotions... I know I'm gonna need to do that eventually, but there's a lot going on in my life right now.
I'm trying to take care of myself and I'm coping better with the urges to hurt myself. Thanks for your advice. I've tried that a couple of times in the past and I've found it helpful