Roll On: Rediscovering Myself (Part One)

So I taught, hey, plenty of people lives alone by themselves, I am not the only one feeling miserable right? I found out that there are these articles for tips or guides living alone and one of it that kinda leads me to write at this moment is that living alone can be a stepping stone for you to learn to know yourselves better. I asked myself a lot during these time that it is pretty exhausting. Mostly was am I not cut for pharmacy or is it just my tired body talking? But how tired can I really be then?

Honestly. I didn't feel an honest joy for quite sometimes and it is just disturbing. I went out for dinner with my friend yesterday, I always try to spend more time with her and even though it is pleasing, it didn't feel so satisfyingly happy as when I hung out with my friends (her included) before. When I feel too stressed out at UKM I will return home and spend time with my family and it can be me just lazying around at home but I feel brand new when I return to UKM, I haven't felt that way now. This was my ultimate weapon but it failed. Damn.

2.What is something you always love doing, even when you are tired or rushed? Why?

Hanging out with my friends. I always loved making time for my friends. It was such a precious moment for me to waste it on feeling tired or busy. I even thought that it was unhealthy of me to put my job away just to hang out with them lol. But still, I never regret it. I don't know exactly why except that it makes me feel good and you can say I'm addicted to that feeling.

3. If a job or relationship makes you unhappy, do you choose to leave or stay?

My first instinct is to leave. But we can't always run away from problems. Not when a relationship is that much important or that job is something YOU HAVE TO DO NO QUESTION ASKED.

4. What do you fear about leaving a bad job or a bad relationship?

Damn. What a question. The "what if it was me deciding when I wasn't in my best of mind"? If it feels bad, then we are inclined to leave. Rationalising that it is the best choice. However, I always have this logical (?) thinking that leaving is wrong. Leaving is weak. But it totally depends on the situation.

5. What do you believe is possible to you?

The whole wide world if I don't feel this shitty.

6. What have you done in life that you are most proud of?

The way I lived my university life. I know that in my last post I said that my matriculation life is my prime in life but the way I spend my university life is the best thing that I have ever done to myself. It wasn't filled with all splendid and wild things but it was good.

7. What is the thing you are second most proud of?

At first, I was gonna say, my siblings, because my family meant everything but then I thought of my car. Geez. You know how some peoples gonna say "proud things" as in "things" but I never thought that my degree (pftt) or my car (pfffttt) as something to be proud of but I guess for this question I'm gonna answer, my job. Future is something that I thought seriously for a long time as in I want to do things that make me feel satisfied and is something dynamic. Pharmacy fits it, it is hard, but it fits my ideal well.

There is this hadith or saying or maybe even a verse in Quran (sorry tak ingat) saying that a good muslim is like going unnoticed. Whatever he/she did, no one knows. It was because he/she wasn't doing it for the sake of popularity but for Him. So when he/she died, they will even go unnoticed but Allah knows. I always loved this idea. How pure and just easy. I don't have to leave any legacy but I want a life well lived that He approves.

9. How do you being here in the universe change humanity for the better?

I desperately want that it was my akhlak (attitude/character according to Islam preferences). That living my life and showing others how beautiful being a muslim is can somehow spark something among peoples around me. If I can be someone like this, I know I have succeeded in following sunnah.

9. If you could have one single wish granted, what will it be?

So that everyone in the world is a devout Muslim. It's perfect. It ends hunger, cyberbullying, mass shooting, war and everyone dies going to heaven.

10. How comfortable you are with your own mortality?

How am I supposed to answer this? Everyone dies. I kinda live my whole life with the fact and it is just a norm like eating and breathing. It's not like something I look forward to heck I don't want to die now knowing how many sins I have done but I guess it is quite comfortable? Wtf.

11. What is your highest core value?

Looking the best in person and forgo their weakness. I tried (so damn hard too) to overlook other people negative traits. I tried not to talk behind them or tries to understand why they do what they do. Was it a bad day? Did I was at fault triggering them with my mistakes? It is fairly easier to feel content by letting go of people's traits that bothers you and look upon on their better traits. Unless you are psychologically challenged, on one fine day, you'll realize why somethings you did is actually wrong. I like to live with this fact that any negative traits of peoples that were directed towards me aren't permanent. On one fine day, they will realize that it is wrong and they will change.

12. To your best knowledge, how do people perceive you?

I don't know though I am fairly confident they look at me as that quite one since I am such an introvert nowadays.

13. How would you like others to perceive you?

I don't need any acknowledgments that I am a saint or something. I just hope that I can be comfortable and trust others so that they can know me better. Show them who Afifah really is. I'm a funny person okay, at least peoples have to know my awesome humor.

(to be continued)update - may not be continued. i don't feel like continuing this.