Real “Snail” Mail from a Totally Incompetent Chinese Bottomfeeder

About once a week we receive an offer to do translations from a totally clueless Chinese bottomfeeding agent calling itself CCJK. I don’t think we’ve gotten two emails consecutively using the same sender name. They all appear to be sent from gmail accounts (thereby effectively screaming “nonsubstantial”), although the company apparently has a domain. Perhaps the people sending these are clueless freelancers this bucketshop uses to drum up business. Not so much marching by me to that drumbeat, I am afraid. Anyway, here is the note and some comments (not made to the snail, of course, because he/she/it would surely not understand them).

Dear friend,

I am not and will never be your friend.

I hope you have had your sweet coffee!

I am actually cutting down on my sugar these days.

This is Snail, Account Manager working at CCJK,an ISO 9001:2008 certified language and IT services provider.

At last, a chance to befriend a gastropod. What an honor. The bar to entry into the translation business is apparently so low that even snails can jump over it (or just high enough for them to slither under it).

I was wondering if you have any requirements about translation or localization services.

We have some requirements. One is that people or entities we deal with must not be located in China and the other is that they are able to use English. You, my gastropod friend, fail on both counts.

If you don’t mind,I would like to spare your several minutes to check my words below:

So glad to see that you are sparing my time. However, your words below are beyond checking; they act as a highly effective emetic.

Trusted by the World’s Global Brands, we have been providing business translation in any fields to support clients in over 120 languages since Year 2000.

I’ve never heard of the company World’s Global Brands. Perhaps they have not yet made their mark in the circles in which I travel. And I wonder whether you are as clueless in all 120 languages as you are in English. Anyway, I am glad to see that you have given the millennium is due respect, in the form of capitalization.

For now, we have cooperated with Apple, Samsung, Cannon, Lenovo, Microsoft, GE and other famous companies.

With the exception of Lenovo, I don’t for a moment believe any of the above, although it could depend upon your definition of cooperation. I cooperate with Apple on a daily basis, using an Apple product made by your countrymen (and, most probably, countrychildren). And if you are going to brag about companies you claim to be cooperating with but cannot spell their names correctly, you should be shot at by Canon with a cannon.

So there is nothing to worry about our qualities.

I am not the least bit worried.

And the followings are the language combinations that we are most professional with:

So nice to see that you can do everything, even things that you clearly cannot do, but I pity the poor clients giving you work with which you are not most professional.

Beside the Languages service, we can also offer Voiceover and DTP service.

DTP. How very 1985.

Please kindly contact us if you require such professional services in future. Look forward to working with you soon. Thank you.

Warm regards,
Snail

Needless-to-say (but I will say it anyway), if this sleazy operation has that ISO certification, they are providing a valuable service to the translation industry by demonstrating the worthlessness of that certification. If they don’t, well, suspicions confirmed about Chinese bottomfeeders.

I wonder what member of the animal kingdom will send me the next offer of translations done by CCJK.

As I have said in the past, if I encountered a Chinese person or entity worthy of the time of day, I would not be opposed to developing a business or personal relationship (perhaps I’ll make Chinese snails the exception). Alas, the only Chinese people and entities I encounter are incompetent charlatans trying to fake their way through to the pot of gold at the end of the “translation industry” rainbow. The truth is often painful, but it is better to know the truth than to believe a fantasy.