As I’m sure you’re already aware, as a person who reads the Internet and has a functioning pulse, Joss Whedon is bringing his The Avengers universe to television with SHIELD, an ABC series about a peacekeeping group. His brother Jed and long-time creative partner, Maurissa Tancharoen, will co-write and direct the pilot and run the series. As I tried explaining to my wife the other night while forcing her to watch The Avengers, SHIELD is like a secret CIA spies of the world. They often deal with superhero threats, and they have superhero allies (The Avengers), but there’s no actual superheroes in SHIELD. But they do kick a lot of ass and have really cool toys. Nick Fury — played by Sam Jackson — is the executive director of SHIELD, but Joss Whedon’s SHIELD television series will be populated by ALL NEW characters. I like to think that Sam Jackson’s Nick Fury will at least make an appearance during sweeps to keep the universes connected.

ANYWAY, TVLine got their hands on character descriptions/cliches of Whedon’s first five agents. Here’s who they are:

SKYE | This late-20s woman sounds like a dream: fun, smart, caring and confident – with an ability to get the upper hand by using her wit and charm.

AGENT GRANT WARD | Quite the physical specimen and “cool under fire,” he sometimes botches interpersonal relations. He’s a quiet one with a bit of a temper, but he’s the kind of guy that grows on you.

AGENT ALTHEA RICE | Also known as “The Calvary,” this hard-core soldier has crazy skills when it comes to weapons and being a pilot. But her experiences have left her very quiet and a little damaged.

AGENT LEO FITZ and AGENT JEMMA SIMMONS | These two came through training together and still choose to spend most of their time in each other’s company. Their sibling-like relationship is reinforced by their shared nerd tendencies – she deals with biology and chemistry, he’s a whiz at the technical side of weaponry.

It’s a Whedon show, so not only is it in the Marvel Universe, but it will also be in the Whedon Universe, and since Whedon often uses the same actors, we can even make some educated guesses about who will play the characters. Unfortunately, I see Eliza Dushku in the Skye role (very pretty, can’t act), although it is just the kind of role that might bring Jessica Alba back to television. Adam Baldwin or Tahmoh Penikett would be suitable for the role of Grant Ward; quiet and damaged? Althea Rice has Summer Glau written all over her; and as for Fitz and Simmons, I like Fran Kranz and Felicia Day, who would be great geeky sibling-types with an undercurrent of sexual tension.

“AGENT ALTHEA RICE | Also known as “The Calvary,” this hard-core soldier has crazy skills when it comes to weapons and being a pilot. But her experiences have left her very quiet and a little damaged.”

Oh, so Zoe Washburne after the events of Serenity? If you’re going to cast someone from Firefly for that role, Gina Torres makes a lot more sense than Summer Glau.

Adam Baldwin >>> Tahmoh Penikett. Alan Tudyk as Leo Fitz or GTFO. Yes please for the Felicia Day and Summer Glau (though she’s the kiss of death) casting. Gonna have to say no on the Dushku choice. Very beautiful but like you said, she’s so bad at acting.

We have a clean slate introducing the Marvel Universe and we get five Whedon Mad Libs for characters, one who apparently has no last name. Would it have killed anyone to have Clay Quartermain in there?

I mean, I have a creepy long-term fixation on Eliza Dushku, but Lizzy Caplan was excellent in Item 47. Also, the guy in that was Eliza Dushku’s brother in Bring It On. Which has no relevance whatsoever.