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A Series of Two Minute Comedy Sketches for short attention span theatre

Hard At WorkA Two Minute Comedy

CAST:Doc Grimwood - 55, blackWillow - 50, male

Interior a doctor’s examining room. Willow is seated on the exam table. Doc Grimwood is scribbling on a chart.

Willow: Look Doc… It’s really freakin’ weird.

Doc: These things often are. How often does it appear?

Willow: I can never tell. Some days absolutely nothing. Others it’s like a freakin’ tree farm.

Doc: (pause) A tree farm?

Willow: You know. Like a Ponderosa pine reaching for the sky.

Doc: Ah. Okay. As you may or may not know the condition is often purely psychological. The mind deeply affects the physiology.

Willow: So, what are you saying?

Doc: Nothing at the moment. But I’d like to get more background to identify the circumstance of the dysfunction.

Willow: Wait a minute Doc. It’s not really a dysfunction is it? I thought it was only a dysfunction when the sailor don’t salute?

Doc: If I understand your complaint it’s that you only get an erection at inopportune times.

Willow: Yeah. Like when I’m on the friggin job!

Doc: And since your partner is rarely available on the job…

Willow: Yeah. Peter’s got no one to poke!

Doc: What kind of work do you do?

Willow: I’m a crew boss for Diddle Datree Landscaping.

Doc: (writing) Diddle A Tree?

Willow: (apologetic) Da Tree… It’s a silly name the owner got from his kid.

D: Of course. And the symptoms appear when you are…?

Willow: When I’m working.

Doc: Yes but specifically what are you doing when it happens?

Willow: I don’t know. I’m just on the job is all.

Doc: But there may be a connection between the work you’re doing and the erectile symptoms.

Willow: (thinks) Can’t think of anything at the moment.

Doc: Think back to the last time this happened. What specifically were you doing when…

Willow: When the King stood up?

Doc: Yes.

Willow: (thinks) When… I was doin’ the assignment list.

Doc: What’s the assignment list?

Willow: The list of crew that’s gonna work that week.

Doc: You select the men and women who are going to work?

Willow: Yeah. We always got a lot more guys than we need.

Doc: So you are the arbiter of work for the company?

Willow: (pause) I give em the assignments, yeah.

Doc: Think clearly Mr. Willow. Does your erection occur when you are assigning men or women?

Willow stares.

Willow: (irritated) It don’t matter. What’re you getting at Doc?

Doc: I’m trying to determine if there is a gender related psycho-social aspect to your condition.

Willow: Well, I cut men and women equal. I don’t discriminate if that’s what you’re getting’ at.

Doc: You said you “cut” men and women? What’s that mean?

Willow: (hesitant) I got a list.

Doc: What kind of list?

Willow: A “work” and “don’t work” list.

Doc: And when you are making up the “don’t work” list, what happens?

Willow stares. His eyes widen.

Willow: That’s it Doc! I get wood whenever I’m puttin someone on the “don’t work” list!

Doc: (writing) Fascinating…

Willow: What’s fascinating?

Doc: (writing) It’s a classic example of sexual compensation manifesting in a display of authoritarian denial.

Willow: What the hell’s that mean Doc?

Doc: (simply) It means you get sexually aroused when you deny someone a job. It gives you the illusion of power and authority.

Willow: (angry) Now wait just a goddamned minute!

Doc: It’s not that unusual. Feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, fear of aging or mental instability all contribute to psycho-sexual dysfunction.

Willow jumps up furiously. He grabs his jacket, turns to the Doctor.

Willow: That’s a load of bullshit Doc! I come in here with a problem any real man would want! I thought you’d say hey, no problem, just go get laid some more. But you try to make it out like I’m some kinda freak! Don’t bother sending me a bill Doc. I ain’t gonna pay it!

Doc: I’m sorry you feel that way Mr. Willow. Before you go… One last thing. How do you feel? Ah, down there?