Drake Finally Made It Cool To Be A Pussy

In late 2009, Lil Wayne dragged Drake to the center stage of pop culture. He came out of nowhere, and he was basically the complete opposite of what a superstar rapper was supposed to be. He was a lanky Canadian, Jewish guy. He grew up in the suburbs, and was already rich from playing Wheelchair Jimmy on Degrassi, a corny teen soap opera. On top of that, we were all wondering why Josh wasn’t with him.

While other rappers were popping bottles in the club, fucking hoes, and getting in drunken fist fights, Drake looked like he would rather just stay at home and watch “A Walk To Remember” by himself while eating a whole carton of strawberry ice cream in his footy pajamas.

But sure enough he grew to become one of the biggest figures in modern rap (along with Kendrick Lamar and Kevin James.) His first hit Best I Ever Had had the line “when my album drop bitches will buy it for the picture, and ni**a’s will buy it too and claim they got it for they sister,” basically daring the world to stigmatize him because he didn’t give a fuck.

But things fully shifted towards his direction in 2011 when he released his sophomore album Take Care, with the single Marvins Room, which is arguably the essential Drake song. The song has every Drake cliche that we’ve grown to know and love. It’s about Drake crying over his ex over a slow, depressing beat and its half sung/ half rapped. Because of these qualities, it’s basically the song that defines his career thus far. And it solidified his reputation as a huge pussy.

Drake is known as mainstream raps most sensitive soul. At times, he is a walking, talking meme. Like the Taylor Swift of hip-hop but with a smaller dick. But please understand that when I say this, I’m not mocking Drake. As a matter of fact, I’m praising him. As someone who is a massive pussy myself, Drake is a true inspiration for me and my people.

Until Drake came along, being a pussy had no way of being cool. Sure, other mainstream rappers had dabbled in being vulnerable and even full blown emo (2pac, Eminem, Kanye) but Drake made it his brand. Ya know what I call someone who does that shit? A goddamn American hero. When Drake walks into the room, you better stand up and take your hat off. And you better not pull a Kaepernick and sit down while Marvin’s Room is playing. The national anthem is fine to sit down during, but doing it during Marvin’s room is just disrespectful.

Since Drake started invading our eardrums on a day-to-day basis, social media has been flooded with melodramatic douchebags pouring their heart out with petty subtweets about their exes. Dudes are now being open about their bitchiness, wearing their hypersensitivity on their sleeve like a badge of honor and crying openly like 8 year old girls, finally accepting themselves and coming out of the sissy closet.

Don’t get me wrong, most pussies remain in the closet. Hell, 98% of the dudes reading this are huge pussies and they won’t admit it to themselves, so they’ll leave a bunch of pathetically angry comments passionately bashing me and/or this article. Trust me. Just watch. It’s gonna be hilarious.

But the point is that Drake opened the floodgates. And more and more pussies are coming out of the woodwork every day. We’re weak, we can’t play or understand sports, and we cry at Pixar movies (but then again, everyone does.) The man shows us that it’s possible to be a pussy and still be cool. He showed that being a pussy could be the primary reason WHY you are cool. He showed that you can be a baller and a bawler at the same damn time. And that’s just beautiful.

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Wally, let’s have a talk. I know in your circle of worthless reject friends you probably are the funny guy, cracking “jokes” as y’all sit around sipping BL Limes and talking about what it would be like to touch a boob for once. I know you think your articles have a niche group of fans and at the very least drive traffic to the site for all the hate filled comments, but please stop. I’ve seen friends fail at picking up girls in the bar. I’ve seen #1 draft picks fail in the NFL. Hell, I’ve even seen the president of the United States fail for 8 straight years. But I have never seen someone who fails as miserably and consistently as you. Please, just stop. We hate you. You are not funny. Your mother contemplates suicide every day when she thinks about her mistakenly giving birth to you. You are worthless.

The damn staff loves him. Just don’t click his shit. Ever. I had a good 3-4 months going til ended I up in this hell. It even makes the site feel like it’s worth reading. But back to the staff, they claim he is/like a comedian and funny. If they’re truly taking commenter advice, put the damn twat on a podcast. He can’t write for shit; so use the talents he supposedly does have instead.

Didn’t realize I clicked on your bullshit, Wally. You sure know how to pointlessly drag shit out. However, I see you’ve improved your ability to use a goddamn period and reduce those run-ons and comma splices. But you still suck. Either this was straightforward and just plain boring; or you gingerly attempted satire and cited Drake as the source for SJWs, or at least keyboard warriors. All that bullshit and only one example of how Drake’s a pussy – your thesis and title? Jesus, you fucking suck. And don’t worry, I read this through and hated it end-to-end without knowing you wrote it. Seeing your name at bottom is just validation. Go fuck yourself. Drake sucks, too.

Wally, it had been so long since one of your “articles” I thought maybe you had finally been canned or by some stroke of good fortune been hit by a bus. Fuck you Wally. Go lick the taint of a beached whale.