Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Thanksgiving, Vertically

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I’d like to take the time to thank everyone individually for the generous encouragement and support you’ve provided me over the years through this blog. But then it dawned on me that you’ve provided neither encouragement nor support. In fact, you’ve all been more like an anchor that I’ve had to drag through the internet sand. Ridicule. Torment. Accusations. You’re all a piece of work. I don’t like to participate in childish name calling but, if they say that a 1,000 turkeys with a 1,000 typewriters would eventually write a masterpiece, it’s not so much to ask one turkey with one keyboard to comment something readable and half way entertaining.

In case you missed that, I called you a turkey.

So now that the holiday greetings are out of the way, on with the show. I’m sure there’s some sort of technical literary term for the device I’m about to use. I wouldn’t know and I’m not going to Google it either. I’m sure one of you Brainiac Bobs or Smart Sallys will have an answer for me though. Basically, I like to celebrate all of my holidays by writing nonsensical lists to the first letter of the holiday greeting. It’s tedious but my therapist tells me it helps mollify my crippling seasonal depression.

To the bolded, vertical greeting HAPPY THANKSGIVING, I have listed things I am thankful for and happy to have in my life. These came naturally. In no way whatsoever did I forcibly rephrase anything to make it line up with a particular letter.

Here’s one turkey with one keyboard’s list:

Holograms. Awesome.Asswipe Johnson (pronounced ‘os-wee-pay’) from the old SNL sketch.PantsPancreas, “the underrated organ”Yearnings for life left to live, challenges to face and conquer, and butter

As you stuff your face tomorrow, some of you should keep in mind that you’ll have to run that much more in the days ahead to work off the holiday gluttony. Not me. I have no race to run. Instead, I’m going to eat. Eat some more. Eat a little more. Probably gag out some mashed potatoes and cole slaw discreetly into a napkin. Wait 10 minutes and then eat some more. After a few trips around the dessert table, I’ll waddle over to the couch to watch the Lions lose their annual Thanksgiving day game while I try to push some escaping M&M’s off my chin and back into my mouth before my head falls back asleep over the back of the couch. The little buggers always keep falling out with each chew of my food encrusted jowls..

Before long, fast asleep with chocolate spittle running out of the corners of my mouth, my body calls in reinforcement enzymes to process the food through my system. At some point, I’ll be awakened by the combo belch/fart that snaps my head back from back of the couch into a dazed, lip licking consciousness. Dogs will bark from the sudden noise. My eyes will wander back to the dessert table as I take a quick internal analysis to determine, like a game of food Tetris, if I have enough room now to work in that Apple pie wedge.

Yes, it will be a wonderful Thanksgiving. It may start vertically but it’ll end horizontally in a triptophanic bugaloo.

I hope you enjoy yours. I apologize for the “turkey” crack. This isn’t the time or place for that. I’ll call you all that AFTER Thanksgiving. I have class.

You’re welcome.

Have a great Turkey day!_________________________________

Note: Episode 3 of the Runner's Lounge LoungeCast is now up and available. Prepare to be audibly tickled by me. There are some others on here I think as well (maybe RazZ, Vanilla, and Amy to be exact.)Go here (or see the moderator RazZ's announcement here) and download the podcast. I promise you'll derive no motivation, barely laugh, and wonder why you wasted 45 minutes. 100% guaranteed!

"you'll shoot your eye out" but not with a red rider, more like withthe button that is going to shoot off your overstuffed pants....and so glad we could add to your joy or lack there of during the year.

Gang Nitmos-- sounds pretty intimidating. Does the gang really have coleslaw on Thanksgiving? My dad did always say one of the reasons he left Michigan was to escape the smell of boiled cabbage. Anyway, enjoy your holiday!