Archive for July 9th, 2008

OK, going out on a limb here possibly. When I posted the first “F Is for Fetish” post back in late May, it lasted less than a day before I pulled it off because there was something about it that rubbed Mrs. Blue wrong. Still not sure what it was, and not sure she does either, but I trust her instincts. It’s funny though; I would have figured that if anyone in this house would have been disturbed by that post it would have been my 16-year-old son. I mean, most teens are horrified that their parental units even have sex, much less learn how much we know about special kinds of sex at our advanced ages. Yet he had no problem with it (having read the post before I managed to take it down). Go figure.

So, I’m going to take a different and less detailed tack with the topic this time, and perhaps a more useful one. First, let’s get terminology out of the way. A fetish is, generally speaking, getting sexually aroused by something that isn’t in and of itself sexual. For a select and very small percentage of the population, they need their fetish to conclude the deal in the bedroom (or bathroom or living room or boardroom or storeroom or wherever). For most people, though, it’s just a little something extra that makes things more worthwhile or special when the spouse (or other sexual partner) is willing to indulge the kinky desire.

What does this mean for the Christian married couple (or for the fornicating non-Christians and unmarried Christians who come here because I don’t give them a ration of shit over their sexual sins, since that would be to invite a ration of shit over things like my desire to lie to people I don’t want to deal with on the phone)? What it means is that we need to be educated.

I’m not advocating that every Christian turn into an Internet porn addict. But a little surfing on the Internet seas of kink might not hurt. Make sure your virus, adware, spyware and spam protection are up to date and do some searching on kinks. Believe me, from the printed word to the photos, there is plenty out there to find, and a lot of the pictures (or at least the thumbnails) are free. No need to get out your credit cards and put money into the pockets of folks when you might wonder if they’re taking advantage of women (or men) or otherwise being fiendishly nasty human beings.

I suggest this because I don’t think it’s good to go into your sexual life (or continue it) in ignorance. Strangely enough, Penthouse and Hustler, while they are nasty misogynist publications in many respects, kept me out of a lot of sexual trouble as a teen, and by filtering out the bullshit and overreachingly sexist parts, I actually learned a lot about what I should do to make women happy in bed (long before I ever ended up with one in bed). When it comes to learning about kinks and fetishes specifically though, the reason I think it’s good to know what’s out there (and there’s quite a wide range of it I might add) is that it would not be good to end up in bed with your spouse, either right after a wedding or years into the marriage, and have them finally work up the nerve to tell you they really, really like something you might just find a little weird…

…and then you freak out. “Oh my God! I couldn’t imagine anyone would findthatsexy!” That’s not healthy for a relationship.

Fetishes are a lot more common than you think. I daresay that the majority of people have something that they find sexy or arousing that isn’t “vanilla”-themed and isn’t traditionally considered something you would sexualize. Some of these kinks may not be at the really weird end of the spectrum; you know, it might be something “common” like having a predilection for your partner wearing leather accouterments or something, but even if they aren’t really super freaky, they can still be jarring to a person if that other person without the kink has lived a sheltered sexual existence or thinks that missionary style with the lights off is the be-all and end-all of sexual activity.

Fetishes and kinks are quite franky integral parts of the sexual makeup of a lot of people, whether a major part or just something that crops up from time to time. I would not want to have anyone out there be blindsided. I would rather you bone up on the subject (pun entirely intended) and get a grounding on the wide world of fetishes, rather than have you blow a gasket when you find out that you have someone in bed with you whose kinks are much different than yours and perhaps a bit harder to accommodate.

Because while you may not be able to satisfy every kink in the world (you’d have to be a real freaky-deaky sex addict to pull that off), it would at least be nice if you could not be horrified when your partner tells you about it. That way, even if you have to say “no,” at least you can do so kindly, explain why, and try to find something else you will do and might like to do that will add some zing and take away some of the sting the other person might be feeling.

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Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

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Jeff Bouley

To find out more about me professionally, click here. To find out more about me generally, click here.