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Here I am. Escaping for just a moment. Not sure what to say… but knowing I want to throw a lifeline out there. This week has been hard. I’m pretty worn out. But I have a little break, and a warm cup of roobios tea, so here I am.

I’ve been sick this week. So have Mark and the baby. Add some troubled teething sleep, and a recent transition from two naps to one (the baby, not me) and I’d gladly give up a day’s paycheck (or two) just to sleep through my shift.

I don’t want to ruminate… really, I don’t…

I’m just trying to figure out how to pull off all the things I want to pull off while I’m feeling stretched so thin.

Mark reminded me that it’s been an uncharacteristically busy week… family in town, friends in town, a birthday party to plan, several recent trips.

What am I really thinking…

Just so you know, the biggest reason that I write is to find out what I’m actually thinking, underneath the day-to-day happenings and the familiar records that play in my head. Sometimes, I think we all try and save ourselves some brain power by playing the same tracks over and over… slightly varied versions of the same story… to come to our reliably quick conclusion and our seemingly simple solution [not enough sleep, not enough time in the day, not the right groceries in the house][need more sleep, to organize my time more efficiently, to buy more almond butter and tofurkey and bread]… rather than sitting with a question or feeling a little bit longer than is comfortable, to see if it’s really anything else. Writing helps me to do this.

I think there is a fine line between being gentle and compassionate towards yourself… and using your own circumstances as excuses to avoid putting yourself on the line.

I think of people I know, friends, who approach their lives in a way that appears so courageous. My friend Mary who moved to New York, and is now an off-broadway actress, directing and choreographing on the side. My friend Jenna, who quit a very good paying job to take part in a home-based essential oil business that she and her husband must build themselves. Or my cousin Izzy, who moved to Japan to be a freaking ninja!

Now… none of these lives are for me. I don’t want to be an actress, a martial arts expert, or a salesperson. But still, I’m so impressed by these people. People that I know, who didn’t come from particularly out of the ordinary backgrounds. To have initiated and begun living out these goals that just seem even too incredulous to say out loud. But they seem to tackle it with the same methodology that I would plan dinner with…

Buy these groceries, chop this, mix that, sprinkle in a little of this, simmer for some time, serves and boom, I’m living my dream!

I don’t need to move to the other side of the globe, or the continent, or even make $10,000 a month.

Right now, I just want to create a rhythm and flow to my days and weeks so that I can portion off enough time for some soulcare, some newness, some activity, some rest, some planning for the future… and still have energy for playing and cuddling and adventures here and there.

Oh, and if someone can please invent a barometer that can let me know when to remind myself, “Hey, you’re the mother of a one year old… brew a cup of coffee, grab some baby snuggles and stay home all day, it’s okay.”

or

“Hey! Stop whining, get off your ass and make things happen! You’re a mom, nat an inmate.”

So this is an admittedly dramatic title, for an intention that, in practice, may not be a big deal to most people. I’ve never heard anyone talk about their relationship to time in the way that I often experience it. Not only with lament to it’s seemingly swift passing… but with trepidation towards spending the pockets of free time when I do have them. I sometimes get stuck, almost afraid to allocate my time to larger activities or projects, to an extent where I avoid doing things that I want or need to do, simply because of the amount of time I think it will take up in my day.

My moments of alone time are fleeting. Few, far between, and not very long. And they’re precious to me. Because I’m one of those people who needs that alone time to recharge. But I place so much importance on that time… that I end up putting myself through more agony than necessary committing that time to any particular activity. And sometimes I end up avoiding the things that will be beneficial to me, because they will take up a huge chunk of that time I get during one of Mason’s naps. And I know the next chunk of time won’t come for another couple of hours. And that there are only three of these chunks in a day.

I wimp out in the face of time. All too often. And spend it doing smaller things, that make less of a difference to me in the long run.

So my intention today, is to not be intimidated by time. To do the things I want and need to do in the time that I have, and trust that they will be the things that rejuvinate me.

Does anyone else have this kind of hang up about time? I’d love to know if I’m not alone in this.

I needed an internet break this weekend. But I did continue this intention game, so I’ll share them because I’ve heard a few of you sweethearts are using them yourselves. Which is pretty rad. I’m trying to keep this up for myself for at least 30 days, to see which ones end up being most helpful to my days. Kind of a self-experiment. Anyways…

Friday – Feel What I Feel

This one is first in this blog post… but I’m actually writing it last, because I was racking my brain trying to remember what it was. All I could remember was how frustrating the first half of my day was when it hit me. It took me a few hours of frustration to realize what I needed my intention to be that day… but finally, it was to feel what I feel. Sounds trite. But it worked. I was getting worked up because my day wasn’t going the way I had wanted it to. Things I’d planned got rearranged, places I was trying to go were closed, classes were at different times then I thought, I forgot my keys at home… you know, that kind of day. So finally I just let myself uncontrollably whine (in my head, work doesn’t take kindly to whiners). I mentally let myself scream “I’M FRUSTRATED!!!!!!” And then after a minute or so, I’d try and let it go and go on about my business. When I’d feel the frustration come up again, I’d purposely go through the mental tantrum again. Whether it was an hour later or a few minutes later. Again, and again. Until eventually… I started to (mentally) yell, “I’M SOOOOOOOOOO FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!”… when I stopped… and realized I wasn’t really anymore. I’d tantrum’d myself out of my own frustration. haha! Who knows if that will ever work again, or if my mind will have wised up to my game, but it worked wonders that day.

Saturday – Enjoy

Today, I nearly forgot about my intention setting game. I had such a fantastic day with my family of three (poor Ruby had to stay home), that I didn’t want to do anything else but enjoy myself and our day. So I went with that. And it was perfection.

Sunday – Stretch Time

Manipulating time is always a fun one. Because anyone can do it on a whim. Did you know that? Have you tried? I’m sure you have. If you think back to one of those moments that sticks in your mind very clearly. From the feeling and the mood, to the colors of the scenery and the placement of objects in your line of vision… it’s usually one of those moments where you take an internal pause, lean your energy back a bit, and make that mental realization that this is a moment to remember. A moment where you’re living. And the time seems to stretch, momentarily. Expand, and almost sit outside itself. It happens when you start to really pay attention to the present. To your senses. To the sights and sounds and smells and tastes and the weight of your body in this place and the feelings that are coming up for you in that very moment. It can be a great moment, it can be a painful moment, it can be an utterly boring moment that you can make suddenly come alive with just a little bit of attention. It’s a rad phenomenon. And it’s a cure for wishing that time was passing differently. When you’re afraid time is passing too quickly, it often does. And when you wish that it would speed up already, it usually drags. This thing, this playing with time… it can go either way. It can be stretched in a way that makes it seem to slow and it can be molded in a way that makes it feel less arduous. Try it. You’ll be hooked.

Monday – Be UN Self-Conscious

This is a hard one to define, and had a lot of layers initially, but I had to strip it down to make it less intimidating. One day I’ll try the original intention… though I think it will need more than a day of practice. It was inspired, again, by that book on Creativity by Osho. (It started out with three alternate titles, which I won’t explain right now, but maybe it’s a little self-evident, or at the very least, food for thought. Be UN self-conscious or Forget Yourself or Remember God.) The base layer of the intention, which I tried out yesterday, was to be UN self-conscious. Maybe this doesn’t need to be stated…. but even though I consider myself a fairly confident individual… this was HARD. I believe that I was only really able to pull it off a few times that day. (And to be honest, forgot about it half of the day) But it did make me very aware of how often I do act, with other’s perceptions in mind. Whether it’s to seek silent approval from other’s, or in quiet defiance of other’s… it’s still a self-conscious act. So interesting to think about. And definitely one I’ll have to try again. ugh!

It happens on occasion… this desire to clear away the clutter. Weed out the unused and the stagnant. To clear out anything that isn’t nourishing, supporting, inspiring. I’m talking about stuff, of course. But I’m also talking about food. Thoughts. Activities and habits. Anything in my realm that’s occupying time, energy, space, cells. All those things… my time, my energy, my space, every molecule that makes up my body and that of those around me… are just feeling really precious to me right now. And the urge to preserve their integrity is so strong right now. I want to clear through everything in my house, our yard, the car, my computer. My fridge, and my eating habits. I want to spend time and energy only on those things that make my loved ones and I feel brilliant and staggeringly beautiful, strong and so powerfully at ease. I want our life to support the healthy tension between choice and flow.

I don’t know if it’s because Spring is coming up quickly? I find that I’ve grown more sensitive to the changing of seasons as the years go by. Or if it’s a side effect of this new way of eating I’ve been diving into over the past couple weeks… I think the almost dizzying effects of eating real food is starting to set in.

I’m not sure what the cause is… but this is where I am now. And why I’ve been a little absent from this space, perhaps. I’m trying to rediscover the areas where I want to remain devoted to. And redistribute a little, so that my actions are more intentional than habitual.