Nation’s fast-food workers know what you’re up to, don’t care

The Association of Chain Eatery Employees has announced that the nation’s fast-food workers are well aware of the sneaky things you do, but they don’t really care.

“We know what you are up to,” said the association’s president Cora Gormley. “From the cash register, we can monitor the entrance and most of the lobby. Just because we’re wearing visors doesn’t mean we’re blind.”

“We see you enter,” she said, “dashing to the men’s room and moving your lips, as if playing out a conversation in your head in which we say ‘restrooms are for customers only,’ to which you lie, ‘I know — I’m going to order something when I get out.’ You know what? Just relax. Take care of your business on the toilet, and when you leave without buying anything, smile and wave goodbye. We don’t care. Honestly.”

According to the announcement, fast-food workers are also astute enough to figure that when a customer orders ice water and nothing else, he’s going to use the cup to drink liberally from the Pepsi dispenser. Employees also take note when you park near the entrance, furiously banging away on your smartphone. They know you’re just sucking on the free WiFi and that you’ll drive away before making a purchase.

“You’re not committing a crime,” Gormley said. “No one is going to call the cops.”

“Just don’t bring your own food and drinks,” she cautioned. “Actually, go ahead and do it. We don’t mind. Just don’t leave the garbage for us to clean up. That is actually pretty annoying.”

Gormley also said that employees know that when you take a huge stack of napkins and shove them in your purse, you’re going to bring them home — rather than wipe your mouth 157 times during your dining experience. You don’t have to hide them, she said. She even advises customers to ask employees for a paper sack in which to put handfuls of creamers and cute little tubs of pink fry sauce.

“Just act normal,” she said. “If you start acting all weird, then we feel weird too. We don’t want to confront you any more than you want us to.”

Despite the announcement, experts say that the majority of customers will carry on with their surreptitious ways, holding on to a firm belief that fast-food employees can be fiercely territorial.