Awesomely Bad Lyrics

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

It's early morning / The sun comes out / Last night was shaking / And pretty loud

Because a devastating hurricane struck your impoverished community, killing thousands and leaving only destruction and despair in its wake? What a sad yet hopeful song you have penned here, Klaus Meine. I hope this inspires a nation to help you rebuild and put these dark days behind you.

My cat is purring / And scratches my skin / So what is wrong / With another sin?

Uhhh, wait, what? Oh, Klaus. Klaus, Klaus, Klaus. The hurricane was merely a metaphor for your sexual prowess? For shame, sir. And, might I add, you have compounded your folly by writing a bunch of lyrics that make little sense. May a hundred opossums scurry into your house and eye you menacingly while nibbling at the fruit basket you left on the kitchen counter!

The bitch is hungry / She needs to tell / So give her inches / And feed her well

Let's do this line by line. I don't think Blogger will let me do footnotes, so imagine these are footnotes and not the regular stupid comments that I make.

1) Hungry for sex!2) Tell ... about ... the sex! That she had. With you. Klaus Meine.3) Sexual reference.4) Ibid.

More days to come / New places to go / I've got to leave / It's time for a show

This quartet of awesomeness could easily be part of a Broadway musical. I'm imagining it as the closing lines of the opening song, in which a young fresh-faced country girl comes to the big city and is all excited about her new life and is going to Make It Big, but then is slowly worn down to a nub of humanity and becomes a prostitute/drug addict/cast member of Jersey Shore.

Try it out! Each line gets progressively louder and in a higher octave. "More days to come, new places to goooooo, I've got to leave, It's time for a shoooooooowwww!!!!"

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Hey, Klaus Meine! What do these lyrics have to do with anything else you said previously? I thought you were talking about a cat, and your penis and stuff?

Here I am, rock you like a hurricane / Here I am, rock you like a hurricane

Yes, and a hurricane. Right.

So, there are a bunch of good songs about hurricanes: this one, "Like a Hurricane" by Neil Young, "Hurricane" by Bob Dylan (not really about a hurricane per se, but play along) ... so how come there are no good songs about like tornados or cyclones or avalanches or earthquakes or other natural disasters? Hmm? Seems like fertile ground for songwriting.

Anyway, I'm downgrading this song to a tropical storm. Just because I can!

And, also, we've established that Klaus Meine doesn't speak or write English very well, so it's sort of funny to imagine him showing up at some poor girl's door and saying "Here I am! Rock you like hurricane!" Although it's funnier if his accent is Russian and not German. And if he's wearing nothing except a giant red ribbon tied around his loins and one of this big furry Russian hats. OK, let's move on.

My body is burning / It starts to shout / Desire is coming / It breaks out loud

I'm pretty sure these are really the lyrics. His body starts to shout, and desire "breaks out loud."

Lust is in cages / 'Til storm breaks loose / Just have to make it / With someone I choose

This song really suffers gramatically from a lack of articles, doesn't it? Come on, Klaus -- definite, indefinite, I don't care, just modify these nouns somehow. I don't ask for much.

And, "lust is in cages"? Squeeee!!!!

The night is calling / I have to go / The wolf is hungry / He runs the show

Klaus Meine: Sorry, baby, the night is calling, I have to go!Woman: Oh, Klausie, come on ... just a few verses ago you said you had to leave because it was time for a show. Now the night is calling? It's always something with you!Klaus Meine: Sorry, sweetheart! The wolf is hungry, and he runs the show!Woman: What?

He's licking his lips / He's ready to win / On the hunt tonight / For love at first sting

Arrgh. If you were going to go with "love at first sting," why not just make the wolf a scorpion? I mean, your band is called the Scorpions, and it wouldn't really ruin the meter of the song and you could say "flicking his tail" instead of "licking his lips" ... you see what I'm saying here, Klaus? What's that? It was the wolf's idea? Yeah, but ... yeah, I know he runs the show, but ... come again? I have to end the blog post with a picture of what?! Read my contract?! (Shuffles papers) Dammit! OK, fine, Klaus Meine, you've won this round!

Anyone see any skin in that diagram? No, me neither. Although, I suppose "burns the aqueous humor from your eyes" doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

OK, so Simon LeBon can't read about it, whatever it is, because it singes off his eyelids, I guess ... or, more accurately, it singes off YOUR eyelids. That's right. You no longer have eyelids because Simon LeBon read about it. Sorry, pal. Good luck trying to blink anymore. NO-NO-NOTORIOUS!!!

I'll do fine without it / Here's one you don't compromise

Does this "it" refer to the same thing as the previous antecedent-less "it," or does it refer to the skin from his eyes?

Lies come hard to disguise / They need to fight it out / Not wild about it

These really are the least comprehensible lyrics I've ever seen, bar none, and that's saying something. Simon LeBon might as well have just dubbed the inscrutable cries of the humpback whale over this music. Actually, that would've been kind of cool.

Let's just sit back and enjoy Simon's descent into madness, shall we?

Lay your seedy judgements / Who says they're part of our lives?

Nobody says that. Nobody says "My seedy judgements are part of your lives." Nobody has ever said that. Except Judge Judy. Once. And I refuse to give Judge Judy any publicity on this blog. I'm a Judge Joe Brown man.

I guess the proper response if someone did inexplicably utter those nonsense words, however, would be "Lay your seedy judgements!" That's fairly self-evident.

You own the money / You control the witness / I'll leave you lonely / Don't monkey with my business

For some reason, I think a lot of the lines in this song would be really funny if Harrison Ford said them in a movie. You know how Harrison Ford doesn't really act anymore, he just barks or growls his lines in a gruff, angry voice? Just imagine these lines as dialogue in a generic Harrison Ford thriller where he is trying to fight back against a corrupt system, or do the right thing against all odds in a world gone mad. Anyone with me here? No? OK, let's move on.

Harrison Ford: (growling) You own the money. You control the witness.Corrupt DA/CEO/NASA Administrator: (sneering) What are you gonna do about it?Harrison Ford: (struggling to free himself from hired goons to lunge at corrupt DA/CEO/NASA Administrator) (barking): DON'T MONKEY WITH MY BUSINESS!!!!

OK, now we can move on.

You pay the prophets to justify your reasons / I heard your promise, but I don't believe it

I don't know if LeBon says "prophets" or "profits" here -- they're homonyms. I can say with 100 percent confidence, though, that it doesn't matter which one he actually says.

These lines work well with that Harrison Ford thing, too.Just saying.

That's why I've done it again / No-no-notorious

What have you done again? And why have you done it? Is there any possible way to know? No. No. Notorious.

Girls will keep the secrets / So long as boys make a noise / Fools run rings to break up / Something they'll never destroy

That first verse was a motherfucking well-structured Socratic discourse compared to this gobbledygook.

Here comes the piece de resistance!

Grand Notorious slam (bam) / And who really gives a damn for a flaky bandit?

The only way the second line makes sense, and I mean the *only* way, is if Simon LeBon was trying to get this song used in a Head & Shoulders commercial starring Burt Reynolds.

The only way the first line makes sense is if Simon LeBon was trying to get this song used in a Denny's commercial, which also more than likely would've featured Burt Reynolds. Because, goddammit, say what you want about Burt Reynolds, but he moves merchandise!

Don't ask me to bleed about it / I need this blood to survive

Simon LeBon bravely takes a stand against the use of leeches for medical purposes, about a century too late.

OK, those are all the lyrics, but let's just take another jaunt through the chorus so we can once again bask in its total insanity.

You own the money / You control the witness / I'll leave you lonely / Don't monkey with my business / You pay the prophets to justify your reasons / I heard your promise, but I don't believe it / That's why I've done it again / Notorious

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Quick fun fact before we get started: The "Guns" part of Guns 'n' Roses comes from L.A. Guns lead singer Tracii Guns, who was the band's lead guitarist (briefly) before being replaced by Slash. I have no idea where the "Roses" part comes from, though. Probably they just thought it sounded good.

Hey, remember L.A. Guns?

So Rose is really Axl Rose's last name, although his full name is actually William Bruce Rose.

"Guns" is, unsurprisingly, not really Tracii Guns' last name. Her first name is in fact Tracy, but spelled with a "y."

Also, the jungle in this song is not actually a jungle, although I may pretend that it is. And China is not really a democracy, although it has opened up significantly.

And, I'm not actually drunk right now!

Welcome to the jungle / We got fun and games

Sounds fun!

We got everything you want / Honey we know the names

Everything I want? Good! And I'm glad you know the names too! Nice touch. That means when I tell you what I want, you can give it to me without the need for a lot of awkward pointing and/or charades.

We are the people that can find / Whatever you may need

This is like a late night TV ad for Crazy Bob's Safari Supply Shed or something. COME ON DOWN to CRAZY Bob's! We got your hats, scythes, binocs, rhino repellent, everything you want! And what's more, WE KNOW THE NAMES!! We can find whatever you may need for your jungle outing! Because we're CRAZY! At Crazy Bob's! Safari! Supply! SHED!!!! That's right, we operate out of a shed! Don't like it? Go back to civilization!

This is getting better and better! I love the jungle.

If you got the money, honey / We got your disease

Yes! I'll take .... wait, what? Disease? Is it malaria? I hope it's not malaria.

In all seriousness, now, who is the narrator supposed to be in this song? At first I thought drug dealer but ... why would he want to watch her bleed? Like they say, it's hard to say in business when all your clients keep dying. They being like DARE officers or something, I don't know.

Sadistic pimp? Maybe. But it seems like there are a bunch of drug references scattered around.

Ooh, Satan? I think he's Satan. OK, case closed.

Or, wait, a tiger! It makes sense because they're in the jungle.

Welcome to the jungle / We take it day by day

Although this is a very sensible philosophy, this line is completely pointless and far less menacing than the rest of the lyrics. I guess that's the price you pay, though, for finding a line that rhymes with "price you pay."

If you want it you're gonna bleed / But it's the price you pay

She already paid you a price in money. Remember? Unless, oh OK, I guess he's saying she got the money by selling her blood.

By the way, I think "The Sadistic Pimps" would be a good band name. But only if two of the band members were named "Johnny Sadistic" and "Pimps McGee," of course.

And you're a very sexy girl / Who's very hard to please/ You can taste the bright lights / But you won't get them for free

I don't get this song at all. What is she after? Drugs? Fame? Cars? A unicycle? And what does she have to do to get it? Sleep around? Sell her blood? Sell her diamonds? Sell her blood diamonds?

And, tasting the bright lights, probably a bad idea, even if you're getting them for free.

British guy: I say, Martha, this safari has been quite a disappointment! We were promised fun and games, but it just gets worse here every day.Martha (in screechy voice): Tally ho!British guy: Err, yes. Well, I still think it was a bloody mistake to listen to that Crazy Bob fellow. Quite a sticky wicket we've got here now, I say!Martha (still screechy): Tea and crumpets!British guy: What's all this, then? A rustling in the bushes?Tiger: (goes on mauling spree)

I hope you read that in a British accent, otherwise it isn't very funny. OK, fine, it's not funny either way. Except for the part with the tiger.

You learn to live like an animal / In the jungle where we play

Just like Mowgli!

If you got a hunger for what you see / You'll take it eventually / You can have anything you want / But you better not take it from me

I have to tell you I spent like five minutes trying to figure out the right number of "na"s to include in this line, because I'm a copy editor and I'm anal retentive like that. I'm still not even sure I got it right, either. It's surprisingly hard to count them. Try it yourself! I'll wait right here.

And when you're high you never ever want to come down, suck down, suck down, suck down YEAH!

I'm not entirely sure he says "suck down" here, but it sounds about right, I guess.

Friday, January 15, 2010

OK, I wasn't going to do a preamble for this one, because it is so long, so very long (that's what she said), but Wikipedia has so many juicy little tidbits to tantalize me. So here they are, bulleted:

This song reached number one in twenty-eight countries, the first being Australia on September 4, 1993, where it stayed for 8 weeks, becoming the highest selling single of the year there. It stayed at number one for seven weeks in the United Kingdom and was also the biggest seller of the year in that country.

Quote from Jim Steinman, who wrote this song for Meat Loaf: "It sort of is a little puzzle and I guess it goes by - but they're all great things. 'I won't stop doing beautiful things and I won't do bad things.' It's very noble. I'm very proud of that song because it's very much like out of the world of Excalibur. To me, it's like Sir Lancelot or something - very noble and chivalrous. That's my favorite song on the record - it's very ambitious."

In the UK, it topped the singles chart, becoming the longest running song on top there since The Beatles' hit "Hey Jude." (!!)

Meat Loaf himself appeared in a 2009 A1 Steak Sauce commercial singing a rendition of the song. It was also featured in an Egyptian McDonald's commercial, featuring a similar scenario, however the boyfriend essentially chases his girlfriend away so he can indulge in a Big Mac combo. (?!&@^)!@)

OK, good. Let's get down to it!

And I would do anything for love, I'd run right into hell and back / I would do anything for love, I'll never lie to you and that's a fact

I dunno, this sounds pretty good, but running right into hell and back actually sounds sort of fun. I mean, if you have some sort of relationship with the lords of the underworld as Meat Loaf clearly does. You can just run in real quick, say your hellos, and then dash on back, and hey, nobody is any worse for the wear, and then you have a great story to tell at parties. "Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I visited Hades itself and lo found myself strip'd bare before the throne of Satan himself? Funny story..." Kind of like when you are in a sauna and you run out and roll around in the snow for a second and then run right back into the sauna.

Not lying? Ever? Now that's difficult. Sign me up for running right into hell.

But I'll never forget the way you feel right now / Oh no - no way - and I would do anything for love, oh, I would do anything for love, I would do anything for love / But I won't do that, no I won't do that

"I'll never forget the way you feel right now" is a weird thing to say.

And some days it don't come easy, some days it don't come hard / Some days it don't come at all, and these are the days that never end

Some nights you're breathing fire / Some nights you're carved in ice / Some nights you're like nothing I've ever seen before, or will again

I wish this line was literally true. I imagine Meat Loaf coming home, dressed in a firefighter's outfit, with like one of those big flame retardant shields, and then seeing his beloved and being all like "Oh, fuck, she's carved in ice tonight. Better break out the parka and the blowtorch." Why didn't he just make a little schedule for the refrigerator with three columns so he would know which weird thing she was going to be that night? Bad planning, Meat Loaf. Didn't you learn anything at Wharton?

And maybe I'm crazy, oh it's crazy and it's true / I know you can save me, no one else can save me now but you

I wish my local newspaper (The Bumwad County Bimonthly Gazette & Mirror) carried a lighthearted feature called "Crazy & True!"

As long as the planets are turning, as long as the stars are burning / as long as your dreams are coming true / you better believe it!

This is like one of those lottery tickets where you always get everything you need except one thing, so you feel like, oh shit, I was SO CLOSE! And then you buy another lottery ticket and another, until you have exhausted your life savings and have to go home and tell your wife that you were abducted by aliens (AGAIN, wtf is going on, so weird, am I right, sweetie?) and it's time to pack up and move over to the next town again.

Those kind of lottery tickets exist, right? I wouldn't know because I live in American Samoa and lottery tickets are fashioned from giant blocks of granite and weigh 12 tons here so nobody buys them.

That I would do anything for love, And I'll be there 'til the final act / I would do anything for love, and I'll take a vow and seal a pact

OK, OK, I believe you! You would do anything for love. I believe you, Meat Loaf! Case closed. Send in the dancing bears.

But I'll never forgive myself if we don't go all the way tonight / I would do anything for love! But I won't do that, no I won't do that...

Wait, what? You haven't even gone all the way yet? Loser.

Seriously, though, I don't really want to get too deep into what "that" is, because it's kind of a fool's errand but, what is he talking about here? In my opinion he can only be talking about oral sex. Right? Or having a threesome with a wolf. I wouldn't do that either. That's just gross. And dangerous.

I would do anything for love / Anything you've been dreaming of / But I just won't do that...

Yeah, I mean, at the end of the song we are supposed to believe that not doing "that" means not cheating on her and/or leaving her. So how do these verses make sense? If he said "and" instead of "but" it would sort of make sense although it would be a bit superfluous and kind of weirdly defensive but ... argh. Why are you making me do this, Meat Loaf? I said I wasn't going to do it. I said I wouldn't do that!

Some days I pray for silence / And some days I pray for a soul / Some days I just pray to the god of sex and drums and rock 'n' roll

Irrelevant.

Maybe I'm lonely, and that's all I'm qualified to be / There's just one and only, one and only promise I can keep

I kind of like the first line here. Hey, did I mention the video for this song is totally bizarre and just completely batshit insane? I like at the end when the cops show up with their flashlights for no apparent reason.

As long as the wheels are turning, as long as the fires are burning / As long as your prayers are coming true, you better believe it

Wheels turning? I mean, I guess so, in a way. Fires burning? Sure, why not. Prayers coming true? Aaaagh! Fuckshit! Give me another one of them Monster Megabillions, and hey, throw in a Dollar Blaster Extreme and maybe one of those Bucket O' Golds.

That I would do anything for love / And you know it's true and that's a fact / I would do anything for love and there'll never be no turning back

But I'll never do it better than I do it with you / So long, so long / I would do anything for love, I would do anything for love, I would do anything for love, I would do anything for love, but I wont do that, I wont do that!

Oh my god, this song is ridiculous.

Watch Meat Loaf break it down right here!

I would do anything for love, anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that...

Fun fact! Meat Loaf's given name is Marvin Lee Aday. Check out the abundance of bizarre names in this truncated Wikipedia tidbit: "Meat Loaf was born as Marvin Lee Aday. He was the first child of Wilma Artie (née Hukel), a school teacher and a member of the Vo-di-o-do Girls gospel quartet, and Orvis Wesley Aday, a police officer. Marvin and his mother would drive around to all the bars in Dallas, looking for Orvis to take him home. Because of this, Marvin often stayed with his grandmother, Charlsee Norrod."

And, look at this weirdness!

But I'll never stop dreaming of you / Every night of my life - no way / I would do anything for love, but I won't do that, no I won't do that!

The vocalist in this next part is not Stoney, as much as Meat Loaf probably wishes it was.

Female vocals :Will you raise me up? Will you help me down? Will you get me right out of this godforsaken town? Will you make it all a little less cold?

This must be one of those nights when she's carved in ice.

Meat Loaf : I can do that! / I can do that!

More things that Meat Loaf can do! Yaaaaay!

Female vocals: Will you cater to every fantasy I got? Will you hose me down with holy water if I get too hot? Will you take me places I've never known?

Did the Vatican ever weigh in on this song? I think filling a hose with holy water and indiscriminately spraying it at some horny temptress is probably a little bit sacrilegious.

Meat Loaf:I can do that! I can do that!

I want to just recap all the things that Meat Loaf can (or would) do.

run right into hell and back

never lie to her (and that's a fact)

never forget the way she feels right now

be there 'til the final act

take a vow and seal a pact

anything she's been dreaming of

never stop dreaming of her

raise her up

help her down

get her right out of this godforsaken town

make it all a little less cold

cater to every fantasy she's got

hose her down with holy water (if she gets too hot)

take her places she's never been

But still he won't do that! It has to be a threesome with a wolf, right?

Female vocal:After a while you'll forget everything / It was a brief interlude, and a midsummer night's fling/ and you'll see that it's time to move on

And still she's not convinced. He promised to hose you down with holy water, stolen from inside the gates of hell, despite the fact that the Pope has specifically forbidden him to do so! Doesn't that count for anything?

Meat Loaf: I won't do that! / I won't do that!

And he said he won't do it! OK? Good enough?

Female vocal:I know the territory, I've been around, It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down, sooner or later you'll be screwing around

Jesus. You are such a bitch.

Meat Loaf:I won't do that! No, I won't do that!

And Meat Loaf, you are a pussy.

Anything for love, I would do anything for love / I would do anything for love, but I won't do that, I won't do that

There you have it, folks! He won't do that. Whatever it is. I guess we can rule out "star in an A1 Steak Sauce commercial" but other than that it's really pretty murky.

Wow. That was exhausting. Good thing I didn't analyze the full version of the song. I'm serious. It's really like 12 minutes long. 7.5 minutes apparently is not enough time to convince us that he will not, in fact, do that.

Monday, January 11, 2010

If the only funny part of this whole post is the picture below, then I think I've done my job.

See? Told you.

Why is the tip of the middle finger so red? It's like he tied a rubber band around it, or put a little tiny condom on it or something. Let's sincerely hope it's not the latter.

Wikipedia: "The popular Canadian teen drama Degrassi: The Next Generation, which is known for naming each episode after an 80s hit song, named an episode after this song." Whaaaa? Am I the only blogger who has a blog devoted to making fun of songs that are for the most part from the '80s who wasn't aware of this?

This calls for another gratuitous picture of somebody's ass.

Oh! Here's a full episode guide. I guess that other Wikipedia page wasn't kidding, although it looks like they didn't really commit to naming every episode after a song until Season 2, unless there are popular '80s songs called "Basketball Diaries" and "Family Politics" and "Parents' Day" that I am unaware of.

And no, I didn't expect to be Googling "degrassi the next generation episode guide" tonight, thank you very much.

Hey, have you ever heard of this band Loverboy? Like Degrassi: The Next Generation, they are Canadian. What a happy coincidence. Apparently "Working for the Weekend" was their follow-up to the smash hit "The Kid Is Hot Tonite."

Fun fact! In 2000, Loverboy bassist Scott Smith was declared dead after being lost at sea!

Another fact: Loverboy has won the most all time "Juno Awards," which is a thing that a) I have never heard of and b) is apparently like the Canadian equivalent of a Grammy.

So, my question is, really? Come on, Canada! I was going to go on a tirade about like Neil Young and Joni Mitchell and Gordon Lightfoot and Rush and plenty of other fine Canadian musicians whose names are not coming to mind, but it appears the Junos, while they officially began in 1970, have a sort of spotty history and at one point may have been solely devoted to classical music, but, all that being said, even so, really?! Loverboy??

By the way, my train of thought while writing this post has somehow led me to start downloading George Michael songs. What?

Ok, time for some anticlimactic lyrics ...

Everyone's watching, to see what you will do / Everyone's looking at you, ooh

I'm not sure what to say about these lyrics. They seem to just be nonsense. There are two verses in the song, and an eight-line chorus, and none of them appear to be at all related to each other.

Everyone's wondering, will you come out tonight? / Everyone's trying to get it right, get it right

Still not sure what to say.

Everybody's working for the weekend / Everybody wants a new romance / Everybody's goin' off the deep end / Everybody needs a second chance, oh

These lyrics are nice, and fun, but what do they have to do with the first verse we just saw?Also, first eight lines all start with either "everyone" or "everybody."

'Cause I gotta have faith / Ooh, I gotta have faith

Whoops, sorry about that.

You want a piece of my heart / You better start from the start / You wanna be in the show / Come on, baby, let's go

Again, what? What show? Who is he talking to? Who is he? (Besides awesomely named lead singer Mike Reno, that is.)

"Start from the start"?

Where am I?

Everyone's looking to see if it was you / Everyone wants you to come through

Mike Reno sounds a little bit like Geddy Lee here. Canada!

Everyone's hoping it'll all work out / Everyone's waiting, they're holding out

Yep. That's the whole song. Is there any rational way to link all these random lyrics together? Is this a trenchant social commentary on American society, as legions of workers whose souls were crushed to powder long ago trudge to factories or cubicles, fooling themselves into thinking they are "working for the weekend" when their weekends really consist of just more mind-numbing monotony, just in front of the TV instead of the Excel spreadsheet or the ... uh ... wall of the coal mine, or whatever it is they look at all day at work? And, the rambling and nonsensical lyrics are meant to be emblematic of the pointlessness of this inexorable march toward death?

About Me

If you have an awesomely bad lyric to recommend, please send it to badlyrics@gmail.com. Remember, these songs are supposed to be not only bad, but also *awesome* -- meaning stuff like Celine Dion or Michael Bolton doesn't count. That's just bad, not awesomely bad.