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Ed Stetzer/LifeWay: Shocking New Research on Calvinism

Ed Stetzer, the mega-genius behind LifeWay’s research wing, has made a convention altering discovery about how to identify Calvinists in the SBC.

A few years ago, the anti-Calvinist contingent of Tennessee was circulating a lengthy questionnaire designed to smoke out the hidden Calvinists among us. It was way too complicated, allowing some Calvinists to use the confusion to slip in surreptitiously.

According to Stetzer’s new research, there is a much simpler way to distinguish the soteriological camps. It all boils down to one thing.

Facial hair.

Young SBC Calvinists wear goatees. Non-Calvinists tend to be clean-shaven. If you see an under-35 pastor and he has partial facial hair, he’s at least a four pointer. Probably five. Of course, there are a few exceptions to every rule.

Evidence also indicated that a full beard usually indicated both Calvinism and moderate alcohol consumption.

Let’s do a little identification experiment. Can you identify the friends of Johnny C?

Calvinist or NOT Calvinist?

Calvinist or Not Calvinist?

Did you get it right that time? Try this exercise.

Guess Which Seminary my Youth Pastor Graduated From?Guess Who Did NOT Go to Southern?

There has been debate over whether Trevin Wax is a Calvinist. The jury is still out on that one. As soon as he gets old enough to grow facial hair, we will find out.

I’m not a Calvinist at all because I can’t grow facial hair. I barely have eyebrows, and the hair on my head continues to retreat. I did notice some nose hairs though since I turned 30. Does that count for anything?

I always thought I was a full 5 pointer, but try as I might, I cannot grow even a mustache, let alone a goatee – and I’m 40!

If we believe that by nature we are simply unable to grow facial hair, can we be considered “hairless Calvinists”? But then I suppose we’d need to start debating between infra-capillusarian and supra-capillusarian (did God first say “some will have facial hair” before He created them or did he first create and then decree that some would have facial hair?)

As a clean shaven five pointyer, I abhor this research. Besides, I was talking to a Shaver on the phone the other day, and we was discussing DOMS who didn’t like our theology. One of mine told me I ought not to preach it, and one of his did the same. He said the way he handled it was to quote the DOM’s textbooks from his theology classes (the works of W.T. Conner) and he had the man standing there crying tears in his office. I thought that was pretty good. You know, like, gee I wish I had done something like that. At least mind did give me the book I cited to him (Luther Rice’s Memoirs) (Re; predestination, etc., I said, “He says it is in the Book (the Bible) and you had better preach it.”). And lest it seem like I am down on my Arminian friends, let me remind every one that I knew and was friends with one of the leading Arminian types who tamed sin city in Alabama, the late Dr. L.G. Meadows, a tremendous believer who once led the singing for a revival preached by Dr. George W,. Truett. God raises up all kinds preachers to help those folks celebrate their holiday that we celebrate with them today. The Lord has a great penchant for striking a straight blow with a crooked stick and as proof I cite my self and every preacher reading this comment.:)

God gives all of us the freedom to shave or not, without forcing razors upon any of us. Still, in His infinite wisdom, He possesses the foreknowledge concerning which choice we will freely make. I simply do not believe in Irresistible Face.

Am I the only SBC VP who comments? And, as such, do I cause these mocking posts by interacting?

Probably so… but, at least in this case, you can tell that the author is kidding when he makes stuff up. My favorite bloggers just make the stuff up and are not kidding. Every day is April Fools Day for some!

But, alas, maybe I should stop commenting here and just read– like all the other SBC denominational types. 😉

You are misinterpreting the data. As an outsider no-Calvinists-allowed United Methodist, I can assure you that neither goatees, soul patches, or mutton chops reliably indicate Calvinistic tendencies. All our hippest church planters sport these in abundance. As is so often the case, you are, however, close to the truth – its the eyebrows…. ANGRY eyebrows.

Rick, it is irresistible race, brace, trace, mace, err, grace, and it isso as one lady told my dear friend of 54 years, Dr. Gene Spurgeon (D.Phil. from Oxford Grad. School in Tn), when he asked why she responded so readily to his arminian type of soul winning method he used that day. She replied, “O, it was so wonderful that I couldn’t resist it. ” So he thought about it for about 40 years and finally concluded she was right. I still laugh, when I think about that. Didn’t anyone every think that it might be so wonderful, so attractive,etc., that that is why it is irresistible? O Ed, please stay involved.It gives you a contact with us of the common herd that the other elitists don’t have…And O to Mr. Wallace, I am a post-mil., as clean shaven as I can get on the days when I use my fusion, pro-glide, whatever, with a fresh blade in it. Of course, it helps to have a grand, great grand, and great-great grand, who were Indian enough to have gotten land in Oklahoma, if it had not been for the Texas view of those days, that the only good Indian…well we won’t go there. And Yesterday was the best April’s fools Day I have had in a long while, seeing as how it that special day devoted to my former religion of Atheism. I even got my reticent son to admit his existence and make a comment on another SBC Voices blog in response to one of mine. He even communicated with me privately and relieved my anxiety for a person we are trying to help over come Bart Ehrman’s (Pro. of Bible etc. at UNC-CH) sillies about the Bible and the Faith.

Special request for prayer: The young fellow with a problem re: Bible due to Ehrman (see above) has agreed to attend church with me this Easter where I will be supplying for the pastor. Pray for God to grant favor and wisdom that my conversation and message might be honoring to our Lord’s name and winsome to souls in need of salvation. The Sovereign Lord doeth all things well.

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