Friday had rolled around. Billie found herself looking at the clock, counting down the hours. Not that time seemed to be moving at all, much like watching a pot waiting for it to boil, the more you do, the longer it takes.

She had already started picking her clothing out, the choice having changed from one end of the closet to the other, and back through twice over before she settled on a red dress. Standing before the mirror in only her undergarments, she held the dress up against her figure, trying to decide. It might have been a little formal, perhaps a little too much for a Friday night, but... she felt good in it, and more than anything, Billie needed to feel good about herself.

Standing there, the way the light struck her hair, she felt it made her cheeks look to red, made her skin look more flushed than it really was. Decided that she didn't like blonde on herself after-all, she went a little darker, but not as dark as she had been.

Several more hours came and went, and still there were several to go before Ethan would take his shift at the bar. Everytime she thought about him, there came a chill down her spine that was followed with a warm flush. With a sigh she sat, falling to the bed with a bounce and laid on her stomach as she reached for the diary to commit herself on page.

I've not seen Ethan since last weekend and not really sure if seeing him at all would be a good thing or not. I can't explain it, I have tried to put some meaning to it, but there seems to be nothing that offers reason. I ever kissed someone only to find when I closed my eyes I was seeing his face. I don't know if it's those eyes, the blue with the lighter flecks, or something about the way he talks or stands, or how my skin tingled and and my heart jumped when he touched my shoulder. It just makes no sense at all. It's crazy I know, I'm pathetic.

Supposed to be working tonight at the theater for Karras. If I have to be there at the same time Ethan is at the bar, I quit. I can't really quit but I'd want to. Ethan, Ethan, Ethan. God what is wrong with me?

She closed the diary, tucking it under her pillow then rolled over to lay on the bed and dream about those blue eyes.

Last edited by Billie Barlow on Tue Aug 25, 2015 12:47 pm; edited 1 time in total

Riya was wrong, so very, very VERY wrong. Oh my God I wish I could go back and rewind everything so last-night never, ever happened. I made such a fool of myself. Not sure I will ever be able to show my face in there on Friday night ever again. Ethan was very clear that he in now way shape or form sees me as anything remotely romantic. I swear, I am sick of hearing lets just be friends. Why is it when I think someone is cute they want to run? I mean, and I THAT bad..?

So I wanted to wait for the right person, wait for love before all the intimate stuff, seems the world don't work that way anymore. Now I find myself wondering if I made the right choice. Maybe I should just do it or perhaps I should just go home and resign to working on a farm and marry some old, hairy farm dude. Ugh. NOT!

On a side not. I lost five pounds. Yay. Now I only have 70 more to go.[i]

I am really beginning to wonder if my brother is really gay, or if it's just some ploy to avoid getting married. Never actually seen him with a boyfriend, and I can't say he 'acts' gay. I keep telling him about all the good looking guys here, trying to get him to move down here with me, but he's still not biting. Oh well, it would be nice to have someone to talk to. Perhaps I should just send him picture of everyone here.

So I keep seeing someone, well, not seeing as in dating, but simply running into. It's strange, not really sure what to think about it. Sure, he's really good looking but... I don't know. He's always quick to show up, and quick to leave like he's not trying to be seen by someone else. It could just be me, but I'm not used to someone showering me with flattery like that either. Tho, I might add, he did kiss me. I'm not sure what to think about it all or where to go with it. I want Riya to meet him, get her opinion of things. Not like I'm in a hurry or anything, but it's nice to think someone else out there might want to be something other than friends. Even so, I just can't seem to get beyond those blue eyes and even though I try, I still keep thinking about Ethan. I know it's silly and pointless and pathetic, but I guess that's just me. Besides, as long as I stop acting like a love-sick puppy no one will know.
I think I will ask Riya if she knows Tenrowe.... if I see her tonight that is.. Friday is still a long way off. Perhaps we should have a girls night. I wonder if they have any male strip clubs about. Never been to one.

Oh, and funny... the book I was reading, the front cover... either it was a coincidence or it really was him at the bar. I imagine that's a bit like watching porn and coming across your next door neighbor, well not really because it was only a book, but close enough.... cause I wouldn't watch porn anyhow.

The whole thing wobbled like a big metal monster and I heard two people yell like they about pissed themselves when it shook. All I could do was reach out and squeeze the cushioned head rest in front of me. Everything sort of yawned to the right, jerked left and everyone froze like that would keep the bus from rolling over. It never did roll over. It rocked and fell and rested back on its wheels after the tire blew. Some teenager girl was blubbering on and on after it happened, like she never knew what a flat tire was or to just shut up and hold on when things got bad. I wanted to give her a dirty look except she'd probably just not get it and maybe wail a little harder.

Ever since Billie left I've been hoppin' the lines, trying to figure out where she went. With a wad of cash and no common sense, how far did she figure she'd get? Where did she think she would go?

I called up all the familiars we knew, all the houses we would stop at in transit when we traveled. Nothing. Not a word from Billie, not even from some of the girls she used to hang with when dad would drop us off cause he needed a vacation from being a parent and king leader of the RVs.

Four hours later the new tire was on and we were back on our way like nothing happened. There was no way that Billie met someone, not with me and dad being right there like we were. She wasn't on the internet, shoppin' around so there couldn't have been that, either. Somewhere along the line the idea got into her head and we never noticed. How did I not notice that?

For the longest time all she ever did was stick her nose in a book and imagine what it might be like. She kept thinking those chumps in literature were real. What kinda ***' woman even wants to date that? I picked up one of her books once, just to try to understand it. All the men are chumps. They sound like thirsty dogs that kiss the ass of the prettiest girl in the room. Rich, handsome and apparently with nothing better to do than make some girl feel special all day. Where were the real women? Since when did a woman need a guy to be everything and for her just to sit there and smile like a stupid doll?

I'll give it to her, though, it took balls stealin' that wad of cash and just goin'. We had no idea she was even thinking about it until she was gone. There's a part of me that doesn't want to find her, that maybe wants there to be a little suffering for her. I know dad doesn't want it, he wants her perfect, pure and dumb like a sheltered little lamb for a slaughter. He's not like that with anyone but her. He threw me to the wolves and wouldn't let her raise a finger to break a sweat. I figured getting married of being with a guy would be a rude awakening when she realized there wouldn't be angels singing or a bed full of rose petals but just a lot of grunting and pain in the back seat of a ten year-old RV.

Still, it took balls to leave like that. I'm hopin' she gets some scars before I find her._________________

Three days ridin' the road and she finally takes my calls like nothin's been wrong all along. I tell her she's gotta get back but she tells me no. Says Rhy'Din's a different place and she's gonna stay right there until she figures out if it's the place, whatever that's supposed to mean. Something in one of those books swam into her brain and destroyed something there, I'm pretty sure. Says she's gotta get a job and pay dad back for what she took. I tell her dad doesn't want money, just her. She doesn't listen.

She tried to put me on women. Yea, whatever. I date guys. Then she tried to put me on guys. What the ***? I'm a eunic. I'll be whatever it takes for her to yank out the roots of those datin' thoughts out of her mind.

I tell her the clerk says it's five days to get to Rhy'Din from where I am. Five days with a sore ass scrunched in bus seats with screamers, criers and whiners. Never saw so many whiny people in all my life. Act like their stubbed toe is the only stubbed toe the world has ever seen. Since when did people think that pain made them so sparkly and special? It's not, and it doesn't. We call get the pain, no matter how rich or smart we think we are. It comes to us and it hurts then changes some of who we are and usually for the better. We're not about the loss or pain we endure, we're about how we pick ourselves up and go on.

We're about family and who we pull back up on their feet. Billie's got the wiring in her head all wrong. She thinks some guy that kisses sweet is gonna make the world better. Truth is, there's nothing better or greater than family. If the folks in Rhy'Din are anything like the folks on this bus I'm gonna be doing a lot of drinking all the time. Where the Hell did common sense go?

Did that guy... really just pick his nose and wipe it off on the chair in front of him? ***' nasty._________________

I've not talked and tried not to think about the reasons why I left because I wanted to start over and didn't want to just drag it all with me, but it seems to have followed me all the same in the form of Mark. Like I didn't know it would happen at some point, just not... all my fault for calling him. What the hell was I thinking?

I don't know why they can't understand. I never felt like I belonged there. never fit in with anyone else. Even the few friends I had, I still really wasn't one of them. They all seemed to know what it was to be a traveler and I always had to be told... I just never felt a part of it. Sure, I love my Dad and God know Mark has always been there but at what point do I get to have a life?

This whole thing about getting married. Can we just look at the name? Michael Huntsucker, the jokes about him being called Mike Huntsucker, bad enough he tells his name like that to new people, which is sometimes funny cause they ALWAYS hear it wrong. Mike isn't really a bad guy. No pig farming really and he's not THAT old, or really even that bad looking. Yeah he's older than me, I think 42 and there are other girls that would love to marry him due to him being who he is and all within the community. Yes I wouldn't have to worry about anything ever and I'm sure he'd be nice to be, but the fact is I don't love him and the idea of being with someone in the physical sense and not being in love with them is just wrong to me. I don't know why Mark can't understand this.

I wonder if Mark has ever been in love? Perhaps that's part of the issue. God only knows the girls are always throwing themselves on him. I don't know HOW many times Dad has used Mark as a con to get something out of some lonely widow. I think sometimes Mark is as lonely and as unhappy as I am, he just refuses to see it.

Something did make me happy last night however, Riya thinks of me as her adopted sister. Never had a sister, I was never really that close to any of the girls around the vans, any time one tried to be my friend it was only because they were crushing on Mark anyhow.

Breakfast with Mark this morning. Not looking forward to this conversation at all.

Dad calls me up to give me an ear full. He's got a mouth full of venom when he's like that. Says I shoulda been back days ago and tells me to explain to him what's wrong. I don't know what's wrong, Billie doesn't make sense. She doesn't want money, fame or sex. She wants love, the kinda love where angels sing and it isn't cause the TV's still on.

Took me an hour to sort it out with him, left my ears ringin' like he'd gotten a blow in. Guess he did. Had to shoot her a text that breakfast was off but she never replied. Got all the technology in the world and she leaves it up in her room.

Damn. I want her to be okay, always want her to be. I also want her to get some wounds and lick them so that she can get the right head on her shoulders. I can't give her the space to hurt even when I think she should be hurting. Guess dad can't do the same, guess that's why he sent me here and isn't letting me back.

Mike's a good guy. Yea, he's not no knight but neither am I. Heard once that knights back in the older days were assholes, anyhow, and that there wasn't a code of chivalry that they followed or anything and that it was all just romantizing them. Mike's probably closer to actin' like a knight then the ones she reads about in those books. He's older, Billie needs a mature guy in her life to pull her head outta the clouds. There's money in his wallet, too, and he doesn't throw it around. Cause he's older he's not out trying to bury humself between the legs of all the women he can find so he'd just keep coming home to her and she'd not have to worry. Plus, he's one of us. She'd stay close by that way and we wouldn't have to lose Billie. We'd be on the road like we always was, just different caravans and I'd be where dad is.

She gets a month to get this figured out, I've cut the deal with her and then we gotta go. Maybe Mike will take his other prospects, she won't have to face him then and it'll all be back like it was. She'll read her books, dad will drive and we'll hit up city after city. Dad and I will work out the gas and the miles and where we set up camp. We should go to the mountains, I feel like I want to see the snow drifts and sit in a chill by a fire for a while.

Billie's got it in her head that something in this place will set its claws in me and I won't wanna leave. If this place has its claws in her, I don't get why. We been to hundreds of cities and set up camp in all kinds of places. There's family waiting for us everywhere and stories like no one would believe. Maybe Billie wasn't meant to be on the road like us, maybe she's more like Aunt Rally, making a house and bein' an outpost when the RVs roll through for a place to to rest. Always thought she'd be on the road with me, not the same caravan but that there'd always be us, rollin' foward talkin' *** back and forth on the hand radios.

Don't think Billie ever thought about dad dying one day and me having to slip into the driver's seat.

How the Hell am I gonna lead this family if I can't even get a handle on Billie? She's got her head all wrapped up and worried about something she doesn't even know about when I gotta figure out how to keep the family together, on the road and safe for just as long as dad did. Dad's not immortal and everyone looks at him then looks at me and expects me not just to do his job, but do it better. ***.

Things are changin' though. World frowns on the nomads, gets harder and harder to stay off the grid. I got a whole list of problems that needs sortin' that dad never even had to deal with so I can't even ask myself how he'd handle it. Guy didn't grow up with cellphones, computers or CORDIS. I gotta make this stuff up as I go and I gotta get it right the first time. I seen dad make a handful of mistakes, world's got cameras now so mistakes don't disappear like they used to._________________

I want to kill my brother, I want to wrap my hands around his neck and strangle the life from him. Not really, but the idea was tempting for a moment. He used to do the same thing to me when we were kids. I would be doing something like getting changed or washing my hair, or something else that was equally embarrassing and he'd let Levi in the RV. So once again, right out of the blue, there is Levi. Not thought about him in years, well, that is a lie, but I certainly never thought I'd see him again. I still remember the day he left, at the time I didn't understand why he had to go, just knew I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye. Remember watching everything from where I was hiding on-top the RV. I still got the pictures of us three. I even have one of Levi and Mark standing outside in just their underwear and a part of Wellington boots, granted they was only three or four at the time. Not even sure I was born when that picture was taken. Not sure why I have it.

A lot of old feelings and thoughts came flooding to the surface. God I used to have such a crush on Levi and all he used to do was pick on me every chance he got. Gotta say he turned out cute, damn sure wasn't that cute growing up, was kinda skinny and his ears stuck out, I thought he was cute tho. I don't think Mark ever knew I had a crush on him... not that he ever let us alone together. Was always, always .... you know, come to think of it, Mark has never let me alone with any one.... and he wants me to marry Mike....Now, if Levi was who I had to marry, there might not be so much of an issue. I could learn to love Levi. heheheh

I have till the end of September to sort things. I really, really don't know what I'm going to do. Leaving was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Mark is the last person I want to let down, if it wasn't for him... I don't know why things have to change, why we just can't stay together like we were. Why can't I just stay with Mark? There are other women that never married. Aunt Rally never did. The whole thing just really, really sucks.

...and today is Friday. Ethan....do I dare go to the bar? If mark wasn't in town, the answer would be a HELL no. Thinking back on it, never was afraid to do much of anything with Mark around, I know... I've heard things, there were people that were always jealous about how close we were. Lot of people thought we were twins growing up because of it. He's my best friend, the only one that don't look at me like I'm pathetic and I can't imagine a life without him there.

Crap, in the end I know I will end up going back. God, all I can hope is that Mike ends up getting married to someone else suddenly before I DO go back. I hate my life, I really do.

When you got so many people coming and going in your life all the time, you don't even ask why. It's not strange that they just show up and you figure that it isn't permanent, either. Billie's so used to the wind changing that Levi coming by wasn't anything for her to look twice at. Been a long side longer since she saw him than me.

I don't know if what he had to say about Mike is true. I sit and think... if Billie's so upset about it, so unhappy, maybe it isn't the best thing for her to marry him. Maybe it's not like some kid that's kickin' and screaming about not wanting to grow up, but like a person who knows for sure it won't make them happy. Levi says there's rumors about Mike liking the boys. Young boys. Never heard it before, but I know Levi. He's on the pretty straight and narrow but he'd still bury anyone under dirt if it was for the family. Wouldn't be able to tell if it was one was or the other with him, but I got a feeling he's doing it for BB.

Thing is... when you get people to believe something like that about someone you can't just undo it. If folks think a guy raped a girl, even if he's found innocent, people still don't look at him the same. Is Levi just diggin' at some old ghost, something with no reality in it, and now we gonna go and ruin Mike's life forever? He'll get a crack at him once or twice just for it being a rumor, even if it isn't real. Those are the kinda things that haunt the rest of a man's life. I'd rather not do Mike that way unless it were real.

I'm thinkin' about how maybe we're ruining one life to make the other better. What kinda leader does that? I wish I didn't know anything about it, like to play dumb and just say that Mike was no good and move on. Been wishin' since the doubt set in that Mike would just pick someone else to marry so this all gets resolved. Unless Levi is right, then I got to talk to dad and we got to sort it. Can't keep a cancer like that anywhere near the family._________________

Mark isn't going to make me go back with him. Why or what suddenly made him change his mind when he seemed so adamant about it only the day before is strange. But he said he'd leave in a week, and that I could stay. I wonder if it's some strange reverse psychology, cause now I'm wondering if I should go back. Now I'm wondering that the *** I've been thinking and doing and how selfish I have to be in the first place to up and leave like that.

Plus this means he will have to deal with Dad. Now I just feel guilty and find myself questioning my choice. Still don't wanna marry Mike. Nothing about that has changed. I know Dad is getting older and soon Mark will take over things. Perhaps when he does I will go back. I don't know. all I know is the idea of being married for any other reason than for love turns my stomach to knots.

So, seeing Levi has gotten me thinking all about the past again. I was reminded of then we were kids and the three of us, Mark, Levi and myself decided to make our own elderberry wine. I'm shocked we didn't die from one gastric ailment. God that stuff was rank. I used to follow those two everywhere. Poor Mark, he was always such a good sport, always had to take his little sister with him everywhere. I'm so damned lucky, he could have been horrible to me, and he never was, apart from some teasing he never let anyone else say a word to me. Except Levi. I owe Mark everything.

Ethan gave me a list of places to look for a job, I don't think this thing with Karras is going to pan out. Everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE keeps warning me about him. If it was just one or two people, I might have been able to say otherwise, but... everyone, even Riya.? No, sometimes it's best to heed those warnings I think. Speaking of Riya, I think she has a crush in Mark, then again, a lot of women always seem to have a thing for Mark. It's ironic... I can't get anyone to look at me, and Mark can't get them to STOP. Sometimes I really do think he's just as lonely as I am, we're both searching for the same thing. I hope he finds what he needs, what will make him happy.

Everything is going on in the world to everybody except the one thing that matters the most to me: Da's got cancer and he's dying.

Levi tells me, and I'm guessing he gets it from Billie or Aunt Rally. Anyways, his face is the sort of serious one that tells me it's not a joke. I tell him it's *** and laugh him off saying dad would have told me if it were. Truth is, I can see him not telling. I can see him now putting the pressure on Billie to marry and the pressure on me to step up if he thought he weren't long for this world. Still hurts, though. You figure someone that close to you would tell you everything. You figure there isn't secrets. It's like finding out that God's kept a secret from you. Gonna tell myself it's *** til I hear it from the horse's mouth. Weren't the first time sometime tried to manipulate me.

Everything else feels so second place. Billie and Levi kissing. Riya giving me eyes like she wants something more from me. Everyone else keeps going about like dad's not dying but I feel like my world stopped and that I don't want anybody else close to me.

Billie, Riya and Levi. They all got more smarts than me. Especially Levi and Riya. They went to college and got their degrees, set themselves up real nice and are making the sort of money that gives their lovers a posh sort of place to live. Maybe Billie only got the GED like me, but she's better spoken. Knows that art of subtly that I'm trying to get the handle of. Been called an idiot, neanderthal and a waste more times than I can count, but I know something they don't. I know how to cut a throat quietly, how to land a hit and also, when it's time to wait my turn. I can see the glint in someone's eye and throw my punch that second before they do. Maybe I can't do the math, maybe I'm not the proper sort of gentleman, but I claw and scrape my existance outta the cliffside where most would tumble to death.

Riya don't get it, but I guess that's the part I like about her. I like that she don't look at me like I'm an idiot, or a nothing. She looks at me and I feel like I'm something, but it's all the temporary smoke and mirrors. End of day she needs another doctor to chat with, someone to keep her ears warm about that stuff. Know it can't be me, though in her mind she thinks I'm good for it. I don't know how to tell her I can't go down that path with. That's she's too good to go down that path with me. I gotta be the asshole that says no cause all she sees in me is potential, maybe even she sees the shiniest part of me but I can't man that. I'm gonna be king of the RVs on cheap campsites and inexpensive motels. That's not the world or life for her. She'll get the five star hotels while on conferences, probably on chats about her ideas on curing cancer. I don't get girls like Riya.

Billie don't seem bothered by dad dying, but I guess she had more time to make peace with it than me if she's known. Me and dad were always pretty close, though. He kept her safe and sort of at a distance like a little princess, so maybe she don't care like I do. Maybe for her it isn't like losing a lung. Levi and Billie keep giving each other the sweet eye and it feels like all the world is in love when the most important person to me is dying. I dunno how to laugh or be in love with that cloud is hanging over me.

Don't know how to talk to anyone about it. Feel like I can't feel anything. Just gonna smile and make some stupid jokes. Maybe it weren't true. Then again, Levi never was a liar to me before.

I think sometimes about Dante, you know his book? He wrote a book called the Inferno and it's all about the price we pay in hell. Sometimes I wonder which of my crimes is the greatest and what he would have me do if I were there. Sometimes I think I'm not so bad and maybe not even going to land in the rings. Other times I get the chill of the bottom most corner._________________

I'm finding it hard to put pen to page and commit these words as if doing so will make it all come true, no turning back, no chance that I could have been wrong. Even though I know I'm not. Mark can't seem to look at me, as if somehow it's my fault. I can't look at me either. I've known about Pops since last time Aunt Rally rolled through. There are other things I know too.

JUST not got a call from Pops. He followed up here with Aunt Rally. Got to meet him in an hour. Asked me not to tell anyone not even Mark. Had to lie to Levi, he knew I was hiding something. I wanted to ask him how far he wanted to take things, if this was just a fling, a little fun then he'd go back to his life and I'd go back to mine. I'd be okay with that, I mean... just with him I'd be okay. If anyone was going to be the one I think I'd rather it be him. But thoughts like that seem wrong somehow and yet somehow I feel like its my only chance to know, that if I pass it up it will be gone. I'm scared.

I see how Riya looks at Mark. I know where Mark is, I can see it in his face. Sometimes he thinks I don't know but I do He's been running all his life in ways, both have. Sometimes I think Levi had it worse than any of us tho. Couldn't run from them books. But yes I see the way she looks at him and think he's lucky to have someone look at him like that just as I've always been lucky to have him look at me the way he does. Like I was okay. He never resented me, even when Pops would yell at him for something I did, cause he had to yell at someone and couldn't yell at me. Sometime tho I wished he would have.

Been crying for the last hour and I don't know if I can stop or if I will ever stop now. why Pops couldn't tell me these things before, why..? I'm trying to understand. I heard the words and Aunt Rally gave me the reason for it but still had he spoken before now perhaps all of this wouldn't been happening..? Part of me wanted to be angry with him for it but I guess I understand, he game me letters to read.....

............. I just sat here and read several letters between Moms and Pops when they started seeing one another. Never knew Pops could write like that, I cried and cried reading those letters, how much he really loved Moms only made me understand things a little better. I know I dream of finding someone that would and could love me like that. She was willing to give up everything for him, to walk away from her whole family, from the money, from the life she had. I never knew.

I can't imagine Pops not being there. he's always been there. Always looked the same to me, I know he's gotten older, but... just always seemed to same to me somehow. My heart hurts not only for myself but mostly for Mark. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him, he's always been there for me no matter what. I didn't know pops and Mike went back as far as they did and had I stayed and not run off like I did, at the meeting he would have explained to me everything as to why I was to marry Mike. Simply because he's the only man he can trust and knows he don't have the time to wait. Needs to make things legal now and I understand that. with Mike being family and all he trusts him over others... it was all because Moms couldn't have kids. I didn't know what, and its not something Mark knows either. Pops and Mom used a segregate to have him, I guess from what I understand it was Mike's sister.(which is the reason he trusts Mike so much) I might have some things mixed up, was a lot to swallow all at once. I was unexpected, was a shock when they learned mom was pregnant with me. Got the feeling there is more to that, but Aunt Rally wouldn't speak of it no more and Pops wanted to talk about the other issues... which as it turns out has to deal with Moms side of the family. He's gunna meet with Mark and perhaps even Levi tomorrow.

So there is money and a lot of it. Mom came from a wealthy family. Pops met her one summer when they passed through Falls Church (which now I understand why we always going the long way around to avoid going through there) Mom was left a large inheritance which will fall to me when I turn 25. This being public knowledge might also help to explain why strange dudes kept popping up suddenly. He was worried that I'd fall for one of them and they'd marry me just to get their hands on the inheritance.So he made a deal for Mike to marry me in name only to I could have full control over the thing.. the thing, what do they call it... trust fund or whatever it is. There something written that says I got to be married and 25 in order to be able to have access to the trust fund.. so I didn't have to actually marry Mike and have to be with him like THAT just in name only.

I told Pops about Levi tho. I regret running off like I did, but at the same time I got to see Levi again. I can't help but think perhaps Pops would trust Levi to do it instead of Mike. Aunt Rally yelled at Pops cause she said Levi had been her first choice. She was the only one I ever told about Levi. Then she said to me it was time I stopped running from him, said I been chasing him all my life and running from him at same time.

Not leaving my room today. Already went down and got water and something to eat so I don't even have to unlock the door. Not answering it. Not answering my phone. I just want to be left alone. Don't wanna see Mark, or even Levi... least of all Levi actually. Not after he goes to talk to Pops. I should NEVER have said anything. Not I just feel *** stupid.

I should have never, ever mentioned Levi to Pops, now he's gunna think this is some kind of trap. Levi did his part for the family, I just need to do my part, stop being so damned stupid and selfish, not like I gotta stay married to Mike and not like it real, I don't gotta really be his wife in the full sense of the meaning.

Kinda like when a grenade goes off and everything is real quiet, ringing, in dust, obliterated or gone by way of shrapnel. Pops tells me the news that Billie already knows and I just kinda sit and stare and I don't feel anything at all.

And that feeling just sort of persists. Normally Da would give me a slap or something to wake me up but tonight was different. Today I was just sort of like a zombie and he let it be. Da must have known, he repeated it all to me three or four times. Wanted to tell him I heard the words, just that there was something around me that kept them from sinking in.

Weren't nothing for it but to be picking a bar fight down at the docks. Didn't want Levi by me, just wanted to give some blows then get them back. Was better than just feeling weird and numb and alone. Got the brow of me busted right proper. Ended up sitting in the hospital, hoping ta all there was that Riya weren't on shift there. I weren't so unlucky, she either worked a different place or weren't working or somehow didn't see me. Who knows. Maybe she was sore and saw my name and made the effort for it not to be her that saw me. Don't think so, though.

Plus, if she'd been there she woulda told Billie and my phone woulda blown up. No charges, nothing but two or three stitches. In a month it will be like it never happened. Wish all the hurt we got could be like that, disappearing once the wound was gone.

I knew who I was for a long time and I was okay with it. When someone goes and shakes you like to change your identity, it makes something uneven sit inside your chest. Naht Billie's full-blood brother like I always thought. Maybe I'm nothing like I used to think I was. Not ready to say it, or act on it. Maybe I was the whipping boy all along cause I was like the dog the family brought in and not like the child of mom and dad. Always thought it was just cause I was the boy.

Still, know I was good enough to Da that he wanted me to take his place. Never thought I could belong anywhere but there. I know the road still calls me but since the news, it were different. Look in the mirror now and it just feels that way. Billie's got a lot to think about. I'll just keep the smile on and the internal bleeding at a minimum._________________

What a week. Come to town to let Mark know that he's in the free and clear after he beat in some guy's face for looking at Billie. Can't say that, not true. The guy slipped some rohypnol into her drink and Mark saw it. He got rid of the drink and waited for Billie to leave. And when she did, he put the guy into the hospital. Thank God it was on private property. Got the dnd dropped and if he's a good boy, his record will be expunged.

Like that's going to happen.

Anyway, I'm here, spending a little of that PTO from the Pd's office for some RnR. First night was great! But then Billie... she starts acting all weird. Like that comedy act. She was acting like Eve. All... come here, come here, come here and then all go away go away go away. So when I did walk away, EVERY TIME I walked away, she'd have a smart ass thing to say. But she was putting herself down. And that just... the world's going to do that enough for you. Quit doing it to yourself. Geez!

So anyway, this chick that's got like a major thing for Mark is hanging out with Billie at that musty smelling little tea shop. I pop in to get a drink and there they were. Truly I wanted to bolt. I don't think Mark's into this chick, but when has he ever wanted more than to get laid with no strings? So she's sitting there, and Billie's sitting there. And they're both kind of weird. Like you know how when you walk up on someone who is talking and then they suddenly shut up? Yeah, like that. Think they were talking about me and Mark. I dunno.

So Billie makes this dumb ass remark about only being kissable when I'm drunk. So I kissed her. Ok? Maybe she'll stop saying that stupid ***. She's a pretty enough girl, sure. I think she just tries too hard and expects life to be like the books she keeps her nose plastered to. And then she says that she wants to talk to me about something, but won't tell me what. She's all smiling and carrying on and I just wanted to know what she had to say.

I waited two damn days. Got tired of waiting and went to find her. Which, in hindsight was really stupid. Of course she's in a night shirt with bed head. It was only what? Two in the afternoon? And hell, I'm a man. I could see her tittys right through that shirt. Did I say anything? Oh hell no!

So she starts to unload her story. How she's crushed on me all of her life. How she always dreamed that I'd be her first. That i'd be her everything. And then she tells me that my own MOTHER said the same things. What the hell is wrong with these women?

She also tells me something about Mark only being her half brother and that her mom left a trust fund. Only for her. And she only can collect when she's 25 and married. And then she really started in on me.

Jesus Christ. I don't want to hurt the kid, but when I do (if ever) get married, it's going to be to someone I love and who loves me and it's going to be forever. Not, as she put it, just in name and on paper.

I want to talk to Mark about this, but I just don't know what to say to him. "Hey, your sister wants to marry me so she can collect a big nest egg. Oh, and none for you!" That's not really fair. I'm sure she's just wanting to live out a fantasy.

But I just... Jesus. It's way too soon. I like Billie. I'd like to see her naked and do bad things with her. But do I want to marry her?

No, not really._________________It's over, nothing's over
I'll grow up when I'm older
God only knows what I would do to you
It's over, nothing's over
I'll grow up when I'm older
God only knows what I would do to you

I seem to be having a lot of those moments where I wish I could take things back, all those stupid ideas that pop into my head, and then right out my mouth like I got no filter at all.

Not seen Mark or Levi all today and don't think I will. Bet both are pissed off at me. Not gotten a chance to say my idea is to split the money, between all three of us. I mean, there is no way I would ever not give half of everything I have to Mark, but Levi done his time for this family and as close as we all are I guess I should see him as a brother. Just kinda hard when those thoughts you are having late at night involve him in the nude. Oh the things I have done to him in my dreams.

Was bad enough when he came to my room and was in nothing but my nightshirt. Swear he could see my *** nipples through it. Then I go and open my big mouth and the look on his face. You'd have thought I asked for a left testicle. I swear I can't figure him out, been all nice and *** one moment, looking at me some strange look. then next second he is as cold as a block of ice. Like when we were kids and Mark wasn't around he was always nice but the moment Mark came around the corner it was back to poking me with sticks. I know, it was all harmless fun, they were both always teasing me. No one else could tho. Remember someone tried once, not sure who took off after him first, Mark or Levi. Beat the piss out that kid. Was the summer before Levi left. No one ever bothered me again.

I don't know if what I feel for Levi is, real, or if it's just something familiar. He's my brother's best friend and I known him going back as long as I can remember. First guy I ever had a crush on, always thought he was so *** cute, and then and only gets even better looking, like holy ***. Still think Ethan is cute...the crush I had on Ethan is nothing like what I got on Levi. Him kissing me only made it 100 times worse too, like I got some kind of a chance or something. Just another notch in his belt, Jesus... Mark could never know, I mean, if I had a fling with Levi that might ruin their friendship, something I'd not considered at all. ***.

There has to be away around this whole marriage thing. I don't want to get married...

When I was younger I used to think that money were a lot more important than it was. As far as keeping yourself fed and clothed, it matters. Beyond that? Naht a use for it. I don't need a house or fancy clothes or anything like that. Most I really need is food and a bite to eat, maybe get laid here or there, and that's about it.

It weren't that Billie got money and I didn't. Don't care if it was just five dollars waiting for me. Fact is, none of the money were waiting on me. Always thought of mom as mom until Da told me about the trust. Everything to Billie, like there were only one kid to care about. Levi tried to talk the edge off that knife but there weren't any use in it. Mom acted like Billie were the only child she had to leave anything to and Da made me a right mean guard dog for her. When mom was pregnant and I were walking around, did they do that on purpose or did the dynamic just sort of happen?

Billie didn't know, she were as in the know as me about it. Don't doubt that she loves me. Da had to have some sort of love or respect to me for him to want me to take over the wheel. Just figured it was all about pampering Billie and not that things happened cause I were an outsider to the family the whole time. Was I? Now that I got the lense of that thought in my mind I see it all so critical, so in the negative. Feel like that's all I can see. It's a right bitter taste that follows me.

It feel cathartic to be in a fight. Don't even bother me when people tag me up with names or call me stupid or useless. I know I'm naht none of those, weren't that the irony? Those scholarly types see me and hear me and they got their chin up like they a few points over me, that they knew the place where I stumble and fall cause they're so smart. None of them do, though, cause I didn't even. They would have thought it was my mind, my education, when it was my mother all along. She bring so much of it tumbling down.

Then the real stupid of me hits. I can't leave, I can't break away and I can't forsake. Maybe Da and mom were brilliant at giving me shape, or maybe it was the shape I would have had anyway. They call that nature verse nuture and people will argue it till their tongues hurt. I know who I love and even when it weren't right or like I thought it would be, I can't leave it. I'm just gonna be stuck at Da's side up until he dies from the cancer. Man won't get treatment so it's four months away, the doctors say. Can't stop guarding Billie, either. That's the real stupid of me. No more smoke and mirrors yet I can't get off these train tracks. I keep goin' like there were no revelation.

There used to be more joy in it for me because I had a cocky certainty about me and where I was in the world. Now it were all widdled down to just me and Billie. Levi's out to get slugged, Da's been using me and building me into something he's needed since Billie were conceived and mom? Mom. I weren't even worth being left anything. You read the will and you would have thought there were only one kid. Da does the same thing as Levi. He try to soften the blow, says mom always thought I could handle myself but that it were Billie that needed the help. Sounds weak to me and I won't be had by it anymore. I'm done with all those devices that were used to twist me around.

There is but one thing really left, that never were changed by all of this. Billie. Still my sister and though she be impulsive and itching to get a scar, she don't look at me any different than before. Neither of us knew and it were our relationship that were right, the sort that makes me feel like loving somebody isn't some big con where a man pulls back a curtain and tells you all the ways you were had. Billie's got truth in her and I didn't ever think that would come to save me like it has._________________

I've seen you a thousand times
always in my night mares
you've whispered secrets
I've sold you my soul
tepid indifference dives me forward
into your arms where it's out of reach
but it was only a dream
you were never really there
you walked out the door
leaving me only thin air
now I can't breathe
I can't breathe
you were the air in my lungs
I can't breathe without you
without you
now I see you again when I close my eyes
nothing is the same it's all one big lie
you walked away like I never meant a thing
you closed the door and left me all alone
I know you loved me, so where did it all go
I still can't breathe after all this time
I still can't breathe
you were the air that I took in
now I'm without
I still can't breathe

I know this cant be real
your all that I know
I wake up in the morning
with no place left to go
but I go
and I go
just one foot then another
I go away from you
from you
to my own beginning

I'd leave it all behind
wash away your image
I'd burn you from my mind
sweep away the ashes
just to be
to be
to be myself again
without you
without you
so I'm back to where I started
Jim standing in the dark
I still smell you on my pillow
I still carry your last mark
but I go
I still go
alone

Right now, I think I need to focus on family. Just deal with Pops, spend this time with him and Mark. No outside distraction. I can take a few on-line classes. Not sure what yet, but since I'm going to be spending all my time in or near the RV, I might as well do something to better myself.

I have made my mind however. I am not leaving the circuit. Not leaving Mark to deal with everything on his own. Family first. No one, and nothing is more important to me than Mark. NO ONE! He's the only one I can trust. The only one that really gives a damn about me. I'll be damned if I betray his trust in me. He's all I really got in this world, and as long as I got him I don't need for nothing else.

It was so hot in the RV last night that I ended up going for a walk and ended up at the Inn. Needed a shower so. But, there was this fellow that kept looking at me, he just kept looking and looking... turns out he was drawing me, right there in all my splendid mess. He's really good too, in the short amount of time I was down in the main room he sketched me and it really looks like me. Odd tho to look at how someone else sees me, not at all how I see myself. he gave me the drawing, seemed a nice enough sort... but I know what Mark always says about men when they start with the flattering. he kept telling me how beautiful I was. mark done said it a million times a man will just about say anything to get down a woman's pants. Still, I gots to say it felt nice to be given a complement instead of being the butt of someone's joke for a change. Said his name was Alex General I think? I might be looking to get him to do something, with Christmas not too far off, a persona piece of artwork might make a nice gift for someone.

Pops is looking rough this morning. Its really starting to sink in. I sat and talked with him a little bit, asked him about Ma, then asked him why he wouldn't let me get the money and use it for treatment. Basically he said he missed Ma.. then he got all choked up, hard to see him like that. Said it was my turn to take care of Mark. That he was going to need me. I promised Pops I'd never turn my back on Mark. Then he said he was sorry, I didn't know for what, but he handed me this old leather bound book, turns out to me Ma's diary. Said was about time I got to knew her a little better. Not found the strength to open and read it yet.

But thinking on that, I'm half tempted to contact Ma's family and ask what their problem is. I mean, they turned their back on Mom when she decided to marry Pops, cut her off from the family, then out of the blue there is this trust fund for me, and just because Mark ain't Ma's biological son they ignore him. It pisses me off cause he just as much her son as if she gave birth to him herself and makes me feel like ***. when I get it I'm going to give it all to him cause he'll use it to take care of the family anyhow. What the hell am I going to do with all that money..?

** Key. Gorjers and Country and non Gypsy people.
Pooker-Pookering means stealing.
Pikey or Gyppo is an offensive term.

The thought of leaving ma place had done got me all a wobble. Been a right long time since I been out about with the Gorjers and Country people. Nout seem ta changed all that much, right bunch of twats ifin you as me, all worried about stupid shyte. I be telling you, them Gorjers an easy lot to pooker from. Could na pass up such an easy mark and it's been donkeys years since I done any real pookering.

So here I is in the bloody place. Come ta pay my respects to Barlow. Sides, got that info he wanted, done took me the better part of a year ta find it all, but good things come ta those that wait, or so they be saying. be a right sad thing tho, seeing old Barlow in such a frail state and all. Gods, ifin ever there was a man back in the day that could bare knuckle it.

Nout long till Appleby Fair, so gots to deal with this here spot of trouble before it come ta bite me square in the arse. Stand ta make a good deal of money this year. Never would have thought the sedentary life woulds been me thing buts it done suit me well enough. Can't say I miss the dust of the road. No rather the smell of horse shyte up me nose than exhaust from an RV any day.

Barlow gave me the lodging in one of his RV's said it belong to his kids. But they out of town at moment. Fecken little dog followed me in here, must be the smell of the ponies. Won't leave me the feck alone. And now there be a fecking cat too. Beginning to feel like Doctor Doo Little of sumfin. I walk through the fecking camp and they be all on my heels like I got a stake slapped to ma arse or sumfin.

Right strange feeling not ta be in my own bed. Tired from being on that damn bus, all stuffed in like chickens. Swear, one more person called me a damned Pikey or Gyppo I'd be showin' them I was a bare knuckle champ of me own right. Fecking Gorjers, can't abide em._________________

It happened. It actually happened. AND with Levi. I can't find the words to write to say what I am feeling... everyone is SO wrong about him. Most of all Mark.

Everyone always said it wouldn't be like that I read in one of my silly romance books, oh... but that's exactly what it was like. The sun, the wind, birds singing... and Levi was everything I had ever, ever wished for.

I'm almost afraid to sleep though, like if I close me eyes I will wake up and find out it was only a dream. I've never been so happy. Nothing could ruin this feeling.