This is the next phase in political fat acceptance. The days of justifying our fatness by lying and saying we have a mysterious genetic or metabolic disorder are over. We now freely admit to and embrace what the fat haters would call gluttony. We fatlings are no longer apologists for our size nor our greedy gluttony. We are fat because we eat huge amounts of food and we like it. If you don't like it get used to it because fat people are now the overwhelming majority.

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Monday, April 11, 2011

I'm A Fat Fuck! A Theme Song For the Fat Acceptance Movement

This first song was written for Belly Boy and fat fucks like him.

This song is not only a fat fight song but it is a mission statement for the fat acceptance movement. I Fat Bastard did not write this wonderful song but I am willing to bet it was written by somebody from NAAFA.

Back in 1969 when I was in high school, I was unable to get a decent education. My science teacher was also the school's football coach, and during football season, he was too fucking busy coaching his team of pre-frontally lobotomized baboons to be teaching in the class room, so instead, he would set up the movie projector and go out of the the classroom, leaving us all to sit in the dark watching stupid cartoons! I wanted to learn science damn it!

Sports is responsible for the declining quality of education in our schools. They have had to dumb down the curriculum to make it easier for jocks with single digit IQs to make passing grades so they can play football in school.

So, it's the athletes who hare ruining it for everybody!

Now, go fold a paper football, shove it up your ass, light it with a match, and shut the fuck up!

BOOM.The room shakes.BOOM.You notice a tremor in the glass of full sugar soda sitting on the table next to you.BOOMWhatever it is, it's getting closer.BOOMCloser..BOOMBOOMBOOMSuddenly, the door flings open, and before you stands a monstrosity. An apparent wall of human flesh has entered the room sideways, painfully squeezing through the door by lifting and pushing his stomach.

HEY EVERYBODY, BELLY BOY IS HERE!

Hey! Are you gonna finish that SODA? Man am I hungry, who wants to order some PIZZA???

OINK OINK OINK!OINK OINK OINK!OINK OINK oink OINK OINK!Christmas is just 7 and a half months away, so I figured I'd oink to the tune of Jingle Bells.

Anyway us fat folks are awesome. All of the great thinkers and doers in our history have been fat.Well, I guess Steve Jobs isn't fat. He's the Champion of All Thinlings.

I feel guilty using my Apple computer, because Apples are health foods. I want mine to be a CARAMEL APPLE! Specially designed for use by fat folks, it would have keys that are 3 times as big as normal keyboards so that it will be easy for us to type and not hit the key next to it.

Also, we need Bariatric Mice to make it easier for us to use the mouse. I also think they should add a cup holder to the side of the monitor, so that I can store a beverage there more easily instead of having to have a separate night stand by my bed that I often knock over.

But yeah, us fat people are not the problem, we're the solution. We consume more, helping the economy. We save less money because we're more about "the now", helping the economy even more because we will be in the workforce a larger percentage of our lives due to the shorter lifespan on average, plus not saving as much money means we need to work longer, boosting productivity.

Of course when you hit the high end of the curve, like myself and Fat Bastard, you get on SSDI, and don't have to work anymore, which is pretty fucking sweet.

OINK OINK OINK!

I just watched the movie Beerfest, and it was pretty awesome. It's about a beer drinking competition, and at one point one of the heroes is in a vat of beer and cannot swim to the top because of the fermenting yeast sucking him down. He tries to cut his way out with a knife, but it doesn't work against the glass. Then he tries to drink his way out, creating a Beer Vortex. AWESOME!!

THAT IS HOW I WANT TO DIE!!! THAT IS THE BEST WAY TO DIE!!!

BELLY BOY, OUTBelly Boy, having just downed your soda and polished off the two pizzas he ordered using YOUR credit card, and not offering you anything other than the free crazy bread which he does not like, leaves.Gradually, the lingering stench of his accumulated body odor fades, and you settle back into your boring-ass life, wondering when next you will see the human wall of flesh known as Belly Boy.