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Tonight on Teemo Tonight, Teemo

The camera pans in on a large study, seated in arm chairs smoking pipes are Teemo, Badger Teemo and Karthus in a gothic ball room dancing drag queen outfit (AKA standard Karthus).

Teemo : Good Evening, I am Teemo.Badger Teemo : And I am Teemo.Karthus : And I am Teemo, no wait...Teemo : Tonight on Teemo, Teemo and Teemo we will be as always discussing the most pressing issues in LoL game balancing.Badger Teemo : What issue are we discussing tonight Teemo?Karthus : I bet it's Tanky DPS, those *****s are making my life miserable let me tell you, and everyone hates them even Riot is saying they are the top issue on the...Teemo : No gothic Teemo, tonight we are discussing something FAR MORE PRESSING than that relatively minor balance issue.Badger Teemo : Is it the Heart of Gold nerf? Douglas Adams must be spinning in his grave...Teemo : No, far more pressing than that, it's a character who has been game breakingly OP since the dawn of time, after countless patches of almost nothing but pure nerfs he CONTINUES to destroy the game as we know it!Karthus : What? That whole “lets nerf Singed by actually buffing him” thing they did, I mean I admit it was a dumb move but really it's hardly as big as you...Teemo : Oh silly gothic Teemo I was talking about a much more pressingly OP character in urgent need of EVEN MORE nerfing as soon as possible! I speak of course of that incredibly potent and devastating tiny rodent known only as...Karthus : WTF it can't be Twitch I mean...Teemo : No! Fool! The it is the LoL devil himself TEEMO! Yes Teemo, the most pressingly OP champion in the game desperately needing nerfing because this one time at band camp there was one single player in the world who did moderately OK with him.Badger Teemo : Ah yes, that OP ******* Teemo, he needs taking down a peg, maybe some more doubling of cooldowns or something?Karthus : You have got to be kidding me...Teemo : Lets examine some of Teemo's game breaking powers.Badger Teemo : Yes, lets start with his base profile. It is not yet the worst in the game at absolutely everything. That is CLEARLY OP.Karthus : Have you guys stacked a few too many mushrooms in your packs because...Teemo : Quiet you.

Badger Teemo : And as you can see on this chart here, Teemo has an insanely OP ability called “Move Quick”. This gives other champions the admittedly mistaken impression that Teemo can move quicker than they do, even though he mostly can't and doesn't, which vastly annoys them. Teemo : Hm yes, the illusion of movement speed. That indeed is pretty **** OP. People might think you can escape from them and stop chasing you!Karthus : OK you guys are crazy or something right, I mean there are champs in the game with base movement speeds that will push them easily into your movement range, and you can't afford to buy the fast boots like they get, and those faster champs STILL have dashes, teleports, speed buffs and distance closers that basically insta gib. I mean just Rammus and HIS version of a move buff with significantly greater speed, less than half the cooldown AND area damage, knock up and a slow... I mean what the hell! You pay FIVE ABILITY POINTS for something LESS THAN HALF AS GOOD as Rammus has. And thats just ONE of MANY better distance closers, escapes and movement buffs on MANY champions who are all round better than you at everything else! Yours even has a CONDITIONAL PASSIVE that debuffs you automatically to among the slowest speeds in the game the moment you actually get attacked by a champion! How lame is that?Teemo: Unfortunately you are wrong Gothic Teemo.Badger Teemo : Sometimes I wonder if he is a Teemo at all, Teemo's are too OP to be so wrong about game balance.Teemo: You see gothic Teemo, move quick is SO OP it needed it's cooldown doubled! And indeed is so OP that it is STILL in need of a desperate nerf. It should probably go back to the way it was when it had no active. Teemo was totally viable then.Badger Teemo : Totally viable. So viable everyone would queue dodge the moment he appeared! Though for some reason I don't understand mostly from his prospective team mates...

Teemo : And then of course there is his insanely powerful BLINDING DART. After countless nerfs to its effects and durations and countless buffs to melee and even ranged DPS effects such that they now almost completely bypass Blinding status effects it remains a widely complained about Jewel in the crown of Teemo, King of All of LoL.Badger Teemo : Indeed, there are at least two or three dated and UP champions that remain which can be moderately inconvenienced for as many as 1-2 auto attacks thanks to blinding darts effects!Karthus : And I bet you think it has a low cooldown and a good AP ratio too...Teemo : Dam straight!Karthus : Have you even LOOKED at another champion, especially the new ones?Badger Teemo : Unfortunately we can't because we are too OP to do so.

Teemo : And Teemo deals MAGICAL DAMAGE ON HITS! Yes Teemo has a poison DoT on auto attacks. It is FREE. Yes FREE. And it will KILL YOU TO DEADNESS just like that! It makes him the most insanely OP harasser in the game! He cannot be stopped, he will harrass you and 2 shot kill you to your DOOM!Karthus : OK now that's just dumb. They actually nerfed the damage on that ages ago by reducing it's tick duration, and it didn't even deal that much damage back before that. It just does not deal all that much damage.Badge Teemo: But it;s all about the OP “poking” strategy. Teemo can poke you TO DEATH with his imaginary super DoT damage and his imaginary speed! Well... that's what people seem to believe, and as we demonstrated with Move Quick the IMPRESSION of being better than them angers them.Karthus : But Teemo SUCKS at harassment. He can no longer use move quick to do it because of the cool down nerf, and it wasn't even a good method before hand. His range was, and is just too ridiculously short. IRELIA can out harass him. SHE IS A MELEE CHAMP. That isn't even unusual. Champs not even intended to be harassers out harass and out poke Teemo all the **** time.Teemo : Don't worry I can blind Irelia into uselessness.Karthus : NO YOU CAN'T! God forbid you should actually encounter a REAL harasser/poker. Have you seen Maokai lately?

Badger Teemo : And then of course there is Teemo's most insanely powerful ability of all. His mushrooms! They are everywhere! They instant kill you! You cannot avoid them by ANY means! They are ABSOLUTELY FREE! And with them he can execute the most insanely evil of all strategies the SPLIT PUSH and do so with ABSOLUTE AND UTTER IMPUNITY!Karthus : They aren't free, they cost you an ultimate...Teemo : Erm? What's an ultimate?Karthus : My point exactly. Not to mention all that insane time you spend suicidally walking into bushes and other traps in the jungle trying to plant the **** things. So really NOT free, it costs you multiple risks of death, numerous minutes of game play, and your ultimate, and you have to be Teemo in the mean time, which means you suck at everything else too.Badger Teemo : But I think you fail to understand they make Teemo IMMORTAL!Karthus : No they don't.Badger Teemo : Well, someone seems to think they do, and that's exactly the same thing right? Anyway. It's this SPLIT PUSH thing. I mean. Split Push is EVIL!!!! And Teemo is the OP Emperor of all split pushing!Karthus: No he isn't. There are like five BILLION champs in the game better at it than him. And they also are better than Teemo at everything else they do to.Teemo : I don't think you understand Karthus. Teemo can push a lane and MAKE YOU COME AND DEFEND IT. Transforming a 5 v 4 against Teemo's team mates into a 2 v 4 in their favour! Because THREE CHAMPS go to get Teemo. Then they fail! Because Teemo is IMMORTAL!Karthus: That's just stupid. Badger Teemo: I beg to differ, this is official riot staff opinion!Karthus: Why the hell did three guys go to get Teemo?Teemo : Because if they sent only 1 Teemo would detect him in the jungle and then KILL HIM!Karthus : HOW? Teemo is basically so nerfy and UP he can't 1v1 almost any other champion in the game much less 1 v 2, why did they send THREE?Badger Teemo : They need to save the towa!Karthus: From what? Towers are immune to poison shot! Teemo has nothing good on his profile to take towers down with. I mean hell, Rammus with his better move booster/escape even HE has stuff to take down a tower faster, and he is a Tank, hell a Tanky DPS even, the most awesome thing in the game, which Teemo isn't. Now HE can take on three champs and survive while split pushing, as can like, a whole BUNCH of other guys...Teemo: Regardless there is NO WAY to save the tower from a pushing Teemo. Because he has mushrooms in the jungle!Karthus: Let me just suggest, bear with me now, has anyone ever tried actually just laning against him. Send ONE guy, ANY one guy, NOT through the jungle, just down you know THE LANE, and having him just plain beat the easily harassed teemo back, farm like hell and maybe take a few towers? I mean not that you need to do even that when you could just win the 5 v 4 and the game, but you could totally do that, draw the 4v4 and flat out WIN the 1v1 vs Teemo.Badger Teemo: Ah! But then Teemo will GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!Karthus: That's what you call wining at laning, making the other guy go somewhere else, while you kill Teemo's tower and farm his minions...Teemo: But the somewhere else he might go to IS THE TEAM FIGHT! Making it suddenly a 5 v 4 in Teemo's favour!Karthus : Except Teemo sucks in actual confrontations so it's more like a 4 and a half vs 5. And anyway didn't you think five seconds ago that an unattended 1 man push at the other side of the map made the 5 v 4 irrelevant when Teemo was doing it? Why is it suddenly the reverse when someone other than Teemo, who might actually be GOOD at pushing down towers, is doing it?Badger Teemo : Well... because Teemo is OP. Karthus : AAAAAAH!

Teemo : And that's all for tonight ladies and gentlemen. Hopefully this should be evidence enough to justify just the latest in the endless attempts by riot to Nerf Teemo until he is finally a viable champion pick, and ideally encourage them to nerf him even more.Badger Teemo :Next week on Teemo Teemo and Teemo. Karthus? Outdated and irrelevant? Or insanely OP and in desperate need of Nerfing? We say he needs serious nerfage! And the way Riot is going they will probably agree!Karthus : ...WHAT!

Amusing, I applaud the effort. I thought the "my ultimate costs me an ultimate" argument was pretty lame though.

I mean, Jarvan leaps into the air and traps people, but it costs him an ultimate.
Ryze gains life steal and AOE, but it costs him an ultimate.
Karthus does damage to every champion, but...well you see where this is going.

While you have some good points, you aren't doing your argument any favors by pretending mushrooms aren't really good.

Teemo: With late breaking news we cross live to our Teemo on the Street, Recon Teemo.
Crosses live to early laning phase on summoners rift.

Recon Teemo: I'm here in bottom lane interviewing Gothic Drag Queen Teemo as he fights a losing battle against obsolescence. Karthus : God dam it I am not a Teemo. And this is a ROBE it is not a god **** dress! And why aren't you helping, there are enemy minions EVERYWHERE.Recon Teemo: We at Teemo, Teemo and Teemo Tonight have it on good authority that MANY champions in fact have good ultimates! And therefore the fact that Teemo's ultimate is at all good means that Teemo is clearly OP!Karthus: What? Ultimates aren't free. And they are supposed to be good. Pretending that Teemo's ULTIMATE should not be at least mildly good is absolutely ridiculous. It SHOULD be good. Heck considering that Teemo pays additional costs in risk and time investments it should probably be a fair bit better than it currently is. Few other champions have ultimates that have such large time and risk costs tied to such conditional and easily avoided effects. Very few can have the number of PLACES their ultimate can be effectively used by 90% just by having some sucker on the other team buy Oracles. Even fewer need to plan their ultimate usage out so very far in advance and spend so much time and risk their lives so many times in order to prepare that plan in advance. You do all that and you get a measly tiny radius DoT with minimal damage in a Tanky Meta dominated by MR and HP stacking CC reducing death machines?Enemy Jarvan: Hi There Gothic Lollita Teemo.Karthus: ****it I'm not a... wait which one of the latest dashing CC long range harass DPS tanky champs are you again I find it hard to tell you guys apar... no wait... am I dead? I'm dead again aren't I...Recon Teemo: This is Teemo in the field signing off and passing it back to Teemo in the studio.

If you would rather I not misrepresent your argument then do try to present something that makes any sense.

Ultimates cost you one and only ultimate slot. In return you get something good. You seem to be suggesting that Teemo should be somehow an exception to that rule, even though arguably the rest of his profile is pretty terrible to boot.

You seem to be presenting an argument that ultimates are "free" and therefore Teemo's (and only Teemo's) need not be of appropriate value to make up for what he invests in it, including his many other flaws.

If I'm wrong then just present your argument clearly and concisely so I can make fun of it with sock puppets, or don't complain when I "get it wrong" in unspecified ways, while making fun of it with sock puppets.

Teemo : In late breaking news a new patch is out and Teemo has become even more OP!Badger Teemo : How is that even possible!Karthus : Don't tell me they finally compensated Teemo for the complete and utter non-functional mess that his blinding dart has become, making him viable in team fights so as to motivate him to actually join them and stop this split push thing they are pretending exists as a problem.Teemo : Well, no, he was just not further nerfed, thus allowing his mighty powas to grow EVA STRONGER. Through negligence.Badger Teemo : Indeed this patch saw Gangplank gain a speed boost ability, and generally change his bag of tricks to be more split pushy and more of a spit in Teemo's face at the same time. Even Fiddle sticks got a move speed increase, further eroding Teemo's highly limited and increasingly mediocre move fast. But as we Teemo's know until such a time as Move Quick is renamed to "Move At Normal Speed Some Of The Time" Teemo will remain OP because people will THINK he has a functional escape mechanism in his skill set. Teemo : I am SO glad riot didn't foolishly try and make Teemo viable by in anyway fixing his various gaping flaws that prevent him from functioning reasonably in any actual team role. I much prefer this long standing thing they are doing where they are trying to give him a viable team role by nerfing anything they ever discover him sneakily being good at, the sneaky little rodent.Karthus : Well, you should be glad then, because they're releasing the robot Teemo this patch and Monkey King Teemo next patch, so real Teemo won't be getting any "OP Buffs" until the "lets throw money at riot even though they aren't even competent enough to release a third map" fan boy crowd have all purchased those guys...