January 10, 2019

big dumb stupid metal princess

On our first Valentine's Day, P.J. got me a cute little machine that made hot cocoa by heating and stirring around the cocoa and sugar and water you put inside it, and then made it frothy on the top. That is what the machine did. It had one job, which it did incredibly well.

Twelve years later, we know each other so much better.

I feel sorry for her. She never saw the gargantuan practical streak coming.

And today, she set up the new cappuccino machine. Apparently, as I watched, I had a face like a cat's ass as she demonstrated its myriad functional possibilities, all ending in "o" or "e".

Me: "So what happens if you want to use grounds instead of whole beans?"

P.J.: "Well, see this little hatch? It's a bypass. You can use this little scoop to put in grounds instead."

Me: "What scoop?"

P.J.: "This scoop."

Me: "The one you need a microscope to find?"

P.J.: "...."

Me: And where do they end up?"

P.J.: (pulls out fancy-ass metal drawer) "They're in here."

Me: "And what are those metal pointy things right there?"

P.J.: "Sensors. They tell you when it's full and you have to empty the grounds."

Me: "It doesn't even empty them by itself?"

P.J.: " .... "

Me: "What does that thing with the little thing on it do?"

P.J.: "Oh, this is really cool, watch. You can lift it way up if you want a tall drink, or you can lower it if you have a small cup for espresso. That way, it doesn't sploosh out."

Me: "Or you can lower it if you want it to blow bubbles while it's making your coffee."

P.J.: "No. You use the steam frother to make bubbles."

Me: "You can't use the dispenser to make bubbles?"

P.J.: "No."

Me: "Why not?"

P.J.: "It can't."

Me: "I think you're holding it to really low expectations and that's not good for it."

P.J.: "What?"

Me: "I'm just saying that you're enabling sub-par behavior. At this rate, it's never going to learn to clean itself or empty its own grounds into the trash can. It's acting like it gets to tell you what it can use to blow bubbles. You've got to raise the bar. It's for its own good."