I couldn't believe my eyes or ears when I got to the station this morning, only to discover that train after train was either delayed or cancelled.

It's "slippy trains" said the station master - "Excuse me" said I, as a vision of trains wriggling out of a human grip, filled my mind.

"Slippy trains, it's the rain, buggers everything up".

The last time I looked, I lived in Northern Europe in a wet country. How on earth are we ever to become competitive again, if we can't even run a train in the rain?

A quick call to my office confirmed that the tubes were in a similar precarious state and one friend couldn't enter her tube station because of puddles on the platform 'ealth and safety' she was told - she might slip.

A preferable situation to that of a poor London Transport worker, having to endure the trauma of watching her melt in rage I would have thought.

As I ran into the corridors of mischievous and unsubstantiated gossip, I passed two Labour MPs, chunntering to each other about new ways to mess up the country "There must be more we can do on 'ealth and safety" said one to the other.

I've decided that there is something else you can count on after a sustained period of a Labour government other than high levels of public borrowing with economic chaos, and that is a transport system reduced to catastrophe via over zealous 'ealth and safety regulations.

Boy did I glare and splutter as I passed those two MPs, calling upon all my strength of character not to bang their heads together. I did do something awful though, I wished a puddle upon them - ten Hail Marys to follow!