SHOUTS & MURMURS
CENTER. OF THE UNIVER.SE
BY SIMON RICH
O n the first day, God created the heav-
ens and the earth.
"Let there be light," He said, and there
was light. And God saw that it was good.
And there was evening-the first night.
On the second day, God separated the
oceans from the sky. "Let there be a hori-
wn," He said. And 10: a horiwn appeared
and God saw that it was good. And there
was evening-the second night.
On the third day, God's girlfriend
came over and said that He'd been acting
distant lately.
"1' m sorry," God said. "Things have
been crazy this week at work."
He smiled at her, but she did not smile
back. And God saw that it was not good.
" I " h . d
never see you, s e sal .
" Th ' " G d . d '" J{ T
at s not true, 0 sal . v v e went
to the movies just last week."
And she said, "Lo. That was last
h "
mont. .
And there was evening-a tense night.
On the fourth day, God created stars,
to divide the light from the darkness. He
was almost finished when He looked at
His cell phone and realized that it was al-
most nine-thirty.
"Fuck," He said. "Kate's going to
kill me."
He finished the star He was working
on and cabbed it back to the apartment.
"Sorry l'm late!" He said.
And 10: she did not even respond.
"Are you hungry?" He asked. "Let
there be yogurt!" And there was that weird
lo-cal yogurt that she liked.
"That's not going to work this time,"
she said.
"Look," God said, "I know we're going
through a hard time right now. But this
job is only temporary. As soon as I payoff
my student loans, I'm going to switch to
something with better hours."
And she said unto Him, "[work a full-
time job and [ still make time for you."
And He said unto her, ''Yeah, but your
job's different."
And 10: He knew immediately that He
had made a terrible mistake.
"You think my job's less important
than yours?" she said.
"N o!" God said. "Of course not! I know
how difficult it is to work in retail-I'm
totally impressed by what you do!"
"Today I had to talk to fourteen buyers,
because it's Fashion Week. And I didn't
even have time to eat lunch."
"That's so hard," God said. ''You work
so hard."
"How would you know? You never
even ask about my day! You just talk about
your work, for hours and hours, like you're
the center of the universe!"
"Let there be a back rub," God said.
And He started giving her a back rub.
And she said unto Him, "Can you
please take the day off tomorrow?"
And He said unto her, "Don't you have
to work tomorrow? I thought it was Fash-
. W k "
Ion ee.
"I can call in sick"
And God felt like saying to her, "If
your job is so important, how come you
can just take days off whenever you feel
like it?" But He knew that was a bad idea.
So He said unto her, "I'm off Sunday. We
can hang out Sunday."
On the fifth day, God created fish and
fowl to swim in the sea and fly through the
air, each according to its kind. Then, to
score some points, He closed the door to
His office and called up Kate.
"I'm so happy to hear your voice," she
said. "I'm having the hardest day."
"Tell me all about it," God said.
"Caitlin is throwing this party next
week for Jenny, but Jenny is, like, being so
weird about it that I'm not even sure that
it's going to happen."
" Th ' " G d . d
at s crazy, 0 sal .
And she continued to tell Him about
her friends, who had all said hurtful things
to one another, each according to her
kind. And while she was repeating some-
thing that Jenny had said to Caitlin God
came up with an idea for creatures that
roam the earth. He couldn't get off the
phone, though, because Kate was still talk-
ing. So He covered the receiver and whis-
pered, "Let there be elephants." And there
were elephants and God saw that they
were good.
But 10: she had heard Him create the
elephants.
"0 h, my God," she said. ''You're not
even listening to me."
" K "
ate . . .
" I ' b . , " h . d ' 'Y
t s so 0 VIOUS. S e sal. ou care
more about your stupid planet thing than
you do about me!"
God wanted to correct her. It wasn't
just a planet He was creating; it was an en-
tire universe. He knew, though, that it
would be a bad idea to say something like
that right now.
He said, "Listen. l'm really sorry,
O.K.?"
But 10: she had already hung up on
Him.
On the sixth day, God called in sick
and surprised Kate at her store in Chelsea.
She was in the back, reading a magazine.
'What are you doing here?" she asked.
"I blew off work," He said. "I want to
spend the day with you."
"Really?" she said.
"Really," He said.
And she smiled at Him so brightly that
He knew He had made the right decision.
They bought some beers at a bodega
and drank them on a bench in Prospect
Park. And Kate introduced Him to a
game her friend Jenny had taught her,
called Would You Rather?
"I don't know if I want to play a game,"
God said. But she made Him play any-
way, and after a few rounds He saw that it
was good. They played all afternoon,
laughing at each other's responses. When
it got cold, God rubbed her shoulders and
she kissed Him on the neck.
''You know what I kind of want to do
right now?" Kate said. God tensed up.
'What?"
" s . " h . d
ee a mOVIe, s e Sal .
And God laughed, because it was ex-
actly what He wanted to do.
They decided to see "The Muppets,"
because they had heard that it was good.
They had a great time, and when it was
over God paid for a cab so they wouldn't
have to wait all night for the L train.
"I love you," Kate said, as she nodded
off in the back seat. "I love you so much."
"I love you, too," God said.
And both of them saw that it was good.
On the seventh day, God quit His job.
He never finished the earth. .
THE NEW YORKER, JANUARY 9, 2012 29