4 Years…

On one hand it seems like just yesterday that I was walking down the aisle to my groom… and on the other hand I can’t even remember my life before Mike was a part of it (funny how that works!).

This past year in particular has been filled with some of the most joyous times but also undoubtedly some of the most trying times… We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve danced, we’ve prayed. Through it all, I’ve realized how truly blessed I am to have Mike as the man beside me in the good times and the bad (“For better or for worse”). He accepts me and loves me as I am… the good, the bad, and even the ugly.

This week is an extremely bitter-sweet week for me. Today marks our 4th anniversay (the sweet), however this week is also the same week that our baby was due to be born (the not so sweet).

Here we are 7 months after that horrid day and I can truly say that I have MUCH to celebrate and be thankful for. We are stronger as a couple, we have grown (and are continually growing) in our faith, and we are trusting in God’s timing (as hard as that may be sometimes).

Let me just say, my purpose in writing about this is NOT to receive sympathies from you guys. I just wanted to share with you guys the things on my heart in hopes that I can be an encouragement for someone else who’s walking this same road (I know how lonely it can be to feel like no one understands what you are going through).

The grieving process is just that… a PROCESS. When you think you’ve got it all under control… emotions swell up from out of nowhere and BAM it hits you like a ton of bricks (all over again). Guess what? That’s normal.

That’s okay.

It’s a process full of ups and downs.

Even though we have yet to receive our heart’s greatest desire (children)… I want you to know that I can still say without abandon that my God is good. All the time. HE is in control, and we are trusting that.

This week I am choosing to find joy in the many things I have been blessed with: my incredible husband of 4 years, our supportive familes, a beautiful place that we get to call home, jobs that allow us to pay the bills, 2 dogs that make us laugh daily, and this blog that brings me so much joy (thanks to each.of.you.)! I have much to be thankful for, friends… MUCH.

38 Responses to “4 Years…”

Hi! This is my first time commenting, but I noticed that your groomsmen had brown tuxes/suits. My bridesmaids are wearing chocolate brown dresses similar to yours, but I am having the hardest time figuring out whether I should go with the brown tuxes – did you have trouble matching your dresses with the tuxes? Did you rent them from a national chain or a local company? So sorry for all of the questions, but I’d appreciate any advice you have! Thanks and congrats on 4 years!

HI…Is that Mizner Park where you took the pics?? I know what you going through…I’ve been to that same road 3 times, and today I am a mother to a 2 year old beautiful baby girl. When the time is right, you will get your dream!!! Happy Anniversary to you guys, you look very cute together!

I also just want to say thank you…we’re trusting in God’s timing as well. But you’re right, it feels like a lonely road sometimes (a lot of times!). And thanks for reminding me of what I feel is *normal*. :o)

I’ve been following you for a long time and wanted to comment when your tragedy happened but I couldn’t seem to find the right words. This time though what you said touched me and made me think I wasn’t the only one. Even though my miscarriage was over 10 years ago I still think about it on the anniversary every year. It doesn’t get easier but it does feel better and I have so many other things to be grateful for in my life. Best wishes to you and your husband for a happy long life together filled with joy and family. <3

Happy Anniversary! It WILL happen for you! Something that my friend told me after she had her first (she struggled with infertility) is that she is glad it happened when it did, or she would not have the daughter that she has now. Hope that helps, you are in my prayers!

Happy Anniversary, Sweet Tina! I think that you are a rock star, too. I just read through your posts, and I am beyond impressed with your faith and belief that God is in control. Many, many blessings to you!

what a beautifully written post–am amazing testament to the kind of person you are! I still remember riding the foodbuzz bus and hearing how you two met 😉 congrats and here’s to many more joy-filled years!!

Precious post Tina… God’s timing is perfect even though we don’t understand it sometimes!! James 1:12. blessed is a man who perseveres under trail: for once he has been apporved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. =) So happy ya’ll have such a wonderful and blessed marriage =)

I love your blog and your honesty and sincere faith. You and your husband are so sweet and have such a beautiful marriage. I hope and pray that God may give you both strength, comfort, trust, and beautiful healthy children in His perfect time!

Thanks for sharing all of this. I wasn’t around yet when you shared the baby news previously… So although I know you aren’t looking for sympathy, I am truly sorry for that loss. It takes so much courage to be so open and honest, and I think that’s one of the best parts of the blogging community when people are able to do it.

In happier news, happy anniversary!!! Terry and I will be celebrating four years in May.

Happy Anniversary! My husband, Andy & I, just celebrated four years a few months ago.

I am so very sorry for your loss & this week as you experience the emotion that comes from your due date, my prayers are with you. We lost our only baby to miscarriage in February 2010 and when her due date comes around every October we do something to remember her. Infertility & miscarriage is a devasting road to travel, but like you, we can still say that God is good. It’s been a rough road to travel….this terrible grief – but somehow God uses it all for something beautiful. Thank you for sharing your journey. I look forward to reading more.

I was looking for a chicken tortilla soup recipe and stumbled upon your blog and discovered that you and your husband suffered a loss. I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for the pain that it brings, but I am happy that you are sharing your heart for God with others. I may not know you, but you are my sister in Christ and I just wanted to say Hello and to let you know that I will be praying for you and your husband.

I was married a year ago on February 27th and we decided to start trying shortly after the wedding. Within a few cycles we became pregnant in June and we couldn’t believe that it would be so easy. Two days later, I lost the baby, and it was truly devastating. We didn’t want to give up trying, so we got right back into it, and I became pregnant yet again in September.

9 perfect weeks went by and I really thought that we were going to be bringing home a baby. On November 13th, at exactly 10 weeks of pregnancy, I woke up to bleeding, and I was shocked. I couldn’t believe this was happening again. I also ended up in the hospital for low platelet counts and was diagnosed with a blood disease called ITP. It was the worst week of my life and it was so hard to process that I had lost a second baby and I was now going to have my world turned upside down with a blood disorder.

My husband’s grandfather passed away in early December and it made it easy to take my mind off of my grief by focusing on his grandma. But when things started to slow down, I realized that I was seriously depressed. I felt like the only hope I had left was in death, and when my husband had to work, I would cry and beg God to end my life. It was the most painful time of my life.

On January 7, we found out that we were pregnant yet again. Part of me regrets trying again so soon because of my emotional state of mind, but I also believe that God used this third baby, Baby Hope, to bring me out of that dark place, and into a place of hope.

We sadly found out on February 20th via ultrasound that the baby’s heart had stopped beating and I started to miscarry a few days later. I was having a miscarriage on our one year anniversary and it felt so unfair but it was also amazing to see how strong our marriage was to make it through so much heartbreak in just one year of marriage. And even though we lost three babies in our first year of marriage, we also have three babies waiting to meet us in Heaven, Abiygale, Matthew, and Hope. They are truly gifts from God.

After we lost Hope, I knew that I needed to take the time to grieve, and use this time to seek God. It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve found that even when I am feeling angry and depressed, I can tell God exactly how I feel, and he always provides me comfort and his loving hand. I placed an index card next to my night stand that says, “Never forget…I am with you” to remind me every night that I am not alone and that I can have hope that joy will come in the morning.

Being a mother has always been my biggest dream. And I thought for sure that having multiple miscarriages and finding out that I might not be able to give birth to a child would break my faith and would ruin me. But God has surprised me time and time again with His work in my life. I can see myself growing stronger every day. And the best part of all is that I’m closer to God. I have no doubt in my mind that He loves me.

I don’t know why I felt the need to share my story with you, but I hope that it brings you comfort to know that a sister in Christ understands what you are going through and will be praying for you. Though I wish no one had to experience the pain of miscarriage and infertility, I do take comfort that we can come together and share our experiences and offer support for one another.

I’m glad I found your blog and I look forward to reading about your journey more. God bless you!

wow! beautifully written.. happy anniversary! You know, I firmly believe things happen for a reason, and as you said you are blessed in so many other ways. It will happen, sooner than later, it will! Have faith and BELIEVE! 🙂