Within the last week, news broke that Equifax, one of the three companies in the U.S. that holds the financial information for every person in the country with credit, had been hacked. This hack has resulted in the information of nearly 144 million Americans’ information being accessed by unknown individuals, who can now potentially ruin the financial stability of hardworking, law abiding citizens. For most people, this is a terrifying and potentially life-altering event. However, when Cardinal staffers reached out to someone we thought had been affected by the hack we discovered that it may be a godsend for some.After we initially made contact with local Madison man Paye Ein Billes, his legal name, not a pseudonym, he told us that the hack has allowed him to “live [his] best life.” When pressed further he told us, “Once I found out about the hack I had an ingenious idea. What if I make a bunch of credit cards and live my life to the fullest, you know? I’ve paid off my student loans, bought myself the most lavish meals in Madison, copped myself a bunch of clothes on State Street.”He continued, “I even bought that one blender and those socks from Walmart I’ve always wanted. You know, living live to the fullest! Then after I max them all out, I call my bank and say someone from the hack must have made these and I get off scot free!”When we pointed out that paying off his student loans and only buying things at stores he frequents in the city he was born and raised in would be very suspicious, he quickly responded, “Nah, man. Don’t worry about it, it’s foolproof. I bought the blender when I was at my bud’s place in Middleton last week. There’s no way they’ll know it was me.”The last email received from Billes detailed attempts to raise legal fees on Go-Fund-Me.

Almanac is our home for satire, sex, creative writing and much more. Satirical articles are intended as such.