24/10/2016

at least, thats what i fear. but there's just something about you. something exciting and thrilling and colourful that makes my heart throb and spin and dance.

from the beginning i felt drawn to you. long before i had ever spoken to you or you had even come to the conscious realisation of my existence. there was always something about you. possibly it was how kind you seemed, or how sincere you appeared. it has always been my inclination to admire people like you; easygoing and friendly, unjudgemental and confident.

how ludicrous it would be for you if you knew!

my heart is the percentage of myself that always leads me into the very basest idiocy. i never wanted to feel this way. my admiration for you has over time gradually transformed into something i am now ashamed of. how could i be so undignified as to let circumstances influence my soul into feeling this way for you?

please dont misunderstand. i am not perplexed by the thought of anyone being enamoured of you. i can and have imagined how there would be a great number of girls aching inside because of you. such a lovely, precious person you are.

your generosity of spirit, your wonderful intelligence, your skill at making people glad...! how i envy you! and how i deeply and tenderly admire who you are.

but something is wrong.

our minds will never meet. at least, thats what i fear.

my heart easily goes toward you. if you demanded my devotion i would serve it with the greatest ceremony; placed into a box, secured with red ribbon, swathed in the fragrance of my admiration. how my heart overflows! i know myself too well to think i could be logical if i was met with anything like that.

but our minds cannot meet. ive never held conversations with you concerning anything of consequence, and intellectually we are not drawn one to another. i like your character, and your good heart, but there it ends.

i feel i always deceive myself into falling in love when my only basis of feeling is high regard and esteem. i think you are wonderful, so my heart is confused. yet there is little else to command my predilections toward you.

our minds dont meet.

what good does it do anyone when there is affection betwixt two persons, but there is a want for mutual idealogical regard? in this fashion, im an incorrigible idealist. i want hearts to meet, as well as minds. the support of both influences compatibility. but here i feel no compatibility.

in the random chance my heart is not disagreeable to you, i still feel there would be little to carry a lasting regard. and i like you so much that i never want that to happen.

i just want to leave here, then, the establishment of the fact that i esteem you highly, and that i do feel sorry that i should ever have fallen into this trap of hopeless empty affection for you. some days i wish i'd never met you, because of how my heart has reacted to that event. but yet in the chance that i hadnt, i would be forced to forfeit all the happiness ive spent knowing you, and for that i would be reluctant to let go.

nevertheless! in the end it's ok. i've learned so much so far. my heart has invariably taken a beating this time, but i will disallow it to ache or grow callous. i will nurse it back to health like a scheming troublesome child that i must protect, despite my frustrations with it. then finally when i make the decision to well and truly Love, i will remember that it is because my restless, overthinking, passionate mind has
finally
been
met.

21/10/2016

i have feelings within me, strong feelings, warring feelings, painful feelings--- all bubbling inside of me, threatening to injure me if i don't let them out. they're ripping at me from my very soul; scratching at the cage of my body to be released.

i'm scared of them. and yet i don't quite know just what they are.

they are like shadowy monsters; shifting and looming, shapeless and screaming. they threaten me, and cut me, and antagonise who i am. they are familiar. i know these feelings.

what are their forms? what are their names?

they have no names. they just have impact. and i recognise them.

i hate the way i feel. i hate these feelings that come back every day to haunt me. small things set off large ones.

these feelings overpower me, and make me weak in my body; in my stomach, in my head, in my heart.

my heart is the culprit. he is the one that is betraying the rest of me. he has opened the door and let those shadowy figures in. they always wait outside for the smallest sliver of a chance to dash in and ruin me.

my father has always said to me, "alyssa, control your emotions." so i stand up and box them all in. i wrap cellophane tape around them. i tie them up tightly into a bundle. hoping and hoping.

i'm frightened of the way it makes me respond to what is happening outside of me. the clash and the conflict that occurs when i feel a certain way and the things around me don't match with what i want and everything becomes a jumbled, ugly, blotchy mess.

"stop being so dramatic, alyssa""but i can't control the way i feel."

"don't let your feelings control you then!"

i take a deep breath. i hit my fist against my chest to quieten the noise.

"stop feeling," i hiss to myself. "go away."

it feels like being ignored. always it's hard to keep the closet locked. i feel the doors will break.

everyday i cannot pinpoint what these feelings are. they are always rioting within me but i cannot identify their origin. anger? sadness? despair? misery? loneliness? pride?

they will always be inexplicable.

" s u r r e n d e r i t t o G o d . "

i want to cry. i don't want to open the doors. i don't want to unfasten the box, to tear off the cellophane, and the string, and let them roam free. what if they seep into my brain, and infect my logic? what if they take hostage of my muscles, and command me, like a wooden puppet?

my fears mingle with the disorder. my body loses strength as i push to resist.

" s u r r e n d e r . "

i open the doors, slowly, gingerly. quickly i cover my eyes to protect them from attack.

yet there is no rapid fluttering of bats wings or swarms of flies rushing towards dead flesh. the feelings ooze out, like mud. they disgust me and the smell is unbearable. notwithstanding i bend down and i scoop them up, reeking but powerless, and throw them to God."here! take these horrible creatures and make me free from them."

i sob as relief floods the chambers. i toss the mud away, out the window, into the bin, away away away. as the sun peeks in the room is illuminated and the old feelings are nothing to me.

i don't keep them anymore. God takes control of them, and they cannot control me.

perhaps i am free.

some days the feelings come back. they multiply like maggots and try to wriggle in under the door. sometimes they hide inside, growing steadily, and i have the inclination to trap them in my closet again.

hahahaha i was lately presented the privilege of a blog tag by the marvellous carissa morais; something that was All The Rage way back when millennials' main source for social media was in blogging, and in the times when inspiration hit a low, the activity of answering questions from a tag was a welcome way to finally get a new blog post up (ahem ahem what i'm doing now ahem)

ok!!! enough with my introductory paragraphs! (cambridge exams really did me in; i can never write something without first suffering myself to add an intro x.x)

C. Cake or pie? pie if it begins with the word 'shepherd's'D. Day of choice? probably friday?

E. Essential item? tissue paper hahahaF. Favourite colour? yellow!

G. Gummy bears or worms? worms i find are so much more satisfying to bite because of their lovely long bodies plus worms can be dual flavoured mmmmmmmH. Hometown? petaling jaya forever my loveI. Favorite indulgence? maggi mee asam laksa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!J. January or July? january; because a new year always holds so much promise!

K. Kids? as many as i can physically & financially support hahahahahahahahaL. Life isn't complete without? people to love ♡

M. Marriage date? sometime in the beginning of the year would be So Lovely ♥.♥N. Number of magazine subscriptions? zero.......

Q. Quotes? “we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” - oscar wilde R. Reasons to smile? the knowledge that everybody was a baby once hahaha

S. Season of choice? rainy season!T. Tag 10 people. :-( i have no one to tag let alone ten :-(U. Unknown fact about me? sometimes i find bruises on my body that i don't remember acquiringV. Vegetable? pea sprouts are my darlings

W. Worst habit? immediately panicking when faced with unfavourable situations and/or using the term 'lmao'X. X-ray or ultrasound? ..........ultrasounds are more agreeable to me than x-rays............. (i don't understand this question lmao)Y. Your favourite foods? BUTTERED BREAD, PASTA, SMOKED/RAW SALMONZ. Zodiac sign? taurus?? but idk the significance of zodiac signsHe/she will have to come up with 7 interesting or random facts about themselves and then tag 7 other people to do the tag challenge.

i have a chip on my front tooth from walking into a door in a mcdonalds T.T

i can watch the '05 pride & prejudice movie repeatedly without getting bored

if you leave me at home all by myself i will probably not eat anything the entire day

i am anglophile Trash

the founder of uniqlo is japan's richest man and it's probably bc of me

i have a prejudice against Apple Users but i lov my iphone

i hate drinking pu er

tagging...? i have very few blogger friends :-( uhhhhhhhh

ok you're tagged if i've ever used 'lmao' with you no arguing i love you bye

03/05/2016

i wish i could tell you that i liked you. i don't want you to know i like you, but i want you to know that somebody loves you. there's somebody out there throbbing in her heart because of you. i wonder how that would make you feel.

aren't you great? you're clever and handsome and popular and everyone likes you. will it flatter you to know that someone loves you? or will the information be like another postcard in your crowded letterbox? just a reinforcement of your ego? or will it scare you? will it be obvious it is me?

there is so much i'm curious about. i'm curious about who was the last person you loved, or the person you love now. is she as heartbreakingly wonderful as you? is she horribly intelligent? is she exquisitely pretty? does she love you back?

this is ridiculous. i don't love you. i'm enamoured, infatuated, excited, blinded and fascinated. i'm not willing to die for you. i'm not going to give you my life or my heart. i only have admiration and fondness for you. you are like a castle built in my heart, a dream in my consciousness. you're just a boy that everyone loves, and i have fallen into your net. only you never cast a net for me.

someday i might regret how much sentiment i allotted you. maybe one day i'll wish i'd kept this affection for someone more meaningful and important to me.

you're not unimportant, but there's no hope of ever making you love me anyway. and if in the millionth of a chance you did, my love for you is not heavy enough to anchor something to last.

i'm just a silly little girl with a silly little crush. my heart is a faintly beating, weak, small object swayed by the idea of you. insignificant... meagre... senseless... trivial... all this is nothing. like an itch, a cut, a bite, it matters now, it brings feeling now, it occupies the present...... but in the big picture,

28/02/2016

hello, i have returned. albeit for only a short while, or perhaps for a new string of long-winded grievances. it depends on my future sentiments..........

anyway, lately i have been bothered immensely by something...... it's been going on ever since the new year started, and i've been wanting to try and sort it out in writing these last few weeks. i never actually got around to doing it though, owing to the fact that i either wasn't at the right place (i.e in the shower, in class, half asleep etc.), or just wasn't particularly feeling it. yet today i have finally slipped into the closest possible opportunity, and now here i am, trying to muddle through my horribly wearying but burdensomely necessary Introduction. but at long last it is now lengthy enough to be satisfactory and i'm desiring to thank you for bearing with me, since i haven't actually written anything worth reading yet, lmao

OK!! the thing i laboriously have been contending with lately is my feeling of bluffing my way through life. i don't know whether this is a result of my less than adequate self image or whatever but this has been Eating Away At Me in recent days, and it's really frightening.

a lot of my life, many people have taken pains to tell me that they believed i was artistic or creative or rather clever at certain things, and of course, since i've always welcomed compliments (them being a sort of weakness with me), i thanked those people and seemingly went on living. yet those words, after being said to me, impudently lodged themselves deeply into my soul, and built up a sort of mental image of myself that i feel i now have to live up to and maintain.

please don't misunderstand, i really do feel touched when people say kind things about my abilities, but sometimes i think people do flatter me.

after making a few pretty pictures and cards once in a while within my tiny life span, some people around me seem to now have this perception of me: that i am some sort of artiste with skills and imagination. once when someone kindly assured me that she believed i was creative, unanticipatedly it felt like warning bells had suddenly broke into the tranquillity of my thoughts. in the throes of my dismay my first thoughts were, "oh no please don't believe that! i really am not!"

now i find that these sorts of notions really terrify me. it makes me so afraid to think that for all my life i have been accidentally bluffing people into believing that i'm actually greatly accomplished, when i'm so very far from it!

now another contributor to my anxiety comes from people who think i'm very good at language. while i do admit i'm better at language than anything else i'm able to do, i'm still afraid that i really am Not what others think i am. does that make sense? i am good at english, and i adore words and the intricate meanings and uses they potentially hold, but there are times when people speak to me about linguistics and then my heart abruptly feels all stopped up, with the fear that i might scandalously bungle.

like for instance when people compliment my writing or my knowledge-- instead of being pleased and complimented now i'm immediately transported into a panic. what if that person who just said a kind word to me lives to regret it? what if my inadequacy is suddenly revealed, and everything positive people believed about me is to shown to be false?

you might think that this is obviously my pride speaking here, and i realise that i am giving way to some of the conducts of my ego. yet can no one honestly acknowledge a life lived without some fear of certain people's opinions, if not everyone's? and don't you think if i continue to live like this that i am being deliberately deceitful?

i am desperately afraid that i am not what people think i am; desperately afraid i have led everyone in a merry dance to considering that i'm up to standard though i'm not; desperately afraid that i have given others reason to believe that i am good when i am ghastly.

i am scared i am not as solid as i believed i was, and fearful that i have unwittingly defrauded all my acquaintances in the process. what can i do now, but to tell everyone not to expect too much of me?

this seems to be the very apple of discord between me and those around me. i'm afraid the people i know expect me to be a certain way when i know i am just barely living up to my own standards.

in university i always make sure to try to answer my lecturers' questions. in church i always try to be as good a specimen of a person as possible, so that my parents and sisters won't be ashamed of me. wherever i go i do my best to keep myself as aloof and collected so that no one will be able to see the worms of my fears and discontentments with myself, wriggling hideously in the pit of my stomach.

i fiercely want to be the Correct and Proper Person of My Dreams and Aspirations, but i'm afraid that in the process of my parade, something is going to sneak from behind me and snatch off the mask that i have been hiding behind.

is it right for me to feel this way? is it proper to strive to be better, even when you feel like you are a walking abyss on the inside? is it proper to allow people to believe you are respectable and skilled, even when you yourself are staunchly doubtful of yourself?

is it Right to let people carry on thinking that you are capable, when your own estimation says you really aren't? what is the line between being self-deprecating, and being truly unconvinced of your own ability?

i am as riddled with questions as i am with fears, and unfortunately, right now i don't think i have the answers. i want to be free of my quandary as soon as i can, but i cannot pretend now that i hold the solutions to my own troubles.