Partner is commitment phobic

Dear ColeenI AM a 36-year-old woman and I have a 10-month-old baby with my current partner, as well as a seven-year-old with my ex.

I have been with my partner for four years and I have always adored him, but he has always been commitment phobic and will never discuss future plans, although he can still be quite possessive of me and insecure.

My older son and I moved in with him over two years ago and, at that point, he told me he never wanted to get married or have kids, which I was devastated about and it caused a lot of rows. But I didn’t want to leave, as I did love him and my son was happy.

He is also the nicest most family-oriented person you could meet and a few of his close friends told me he was actually desperate for children.

So I told him I wasn’t willing to close the door on having more kids and was coming off the pill. I suggested that he used protection, but he didn’t and we got pregnant.

Initially, he was shocked but then he was over the moon, as was his family. But since our son was born I’ve felt low about the relationship. Also, the “not getting married” thing, which I thought I could live with, now really upsets me.

My biggest issue is that he’s very wealthy, whereas I have no savings and was on maternity leave when we bought our house, so my name isn’t on the mortgage.

I’m looking for a job and asked if, when I get one, I can contribute and put my name on the mortgage, but he said no. I’ve also asked him to change his will as, the way it stands, everything would go to his nephew.

Am I wrong to ask for these things? I just feel that he’s not doing the right thing by us, although we never go without anything. He’s offered me a wage from his ­business, but I don’t want that. I feel I have no security and I’m considering leaving — what’s your opinion?

Coleen says:

Well, he didn’t lie to you or lead you on with the promise of marriage. I think the problem is that, deep down, you expected him to change his mind, but he hasn’t. And having a baby hasn’t made any difference either. I don’t know why he’s so anti-marriage — have you asked him?

If I were in your situation, I wouldn’t be putting pressure on him because, even if he did cave in and say yes to marriage, you’d know it was only because you gave him an ultimatum.

I’d have one last conversation about it. Tell him you think he’s a great dad and partner, but that you would like to get married, although you’re not going to mention it again.

If you are constantly talking about wills, marriage and mortgages, perhaps it’s no wonder he’s slightly panicking that all you’re seeing is pound signs. He obviously loves you, but I think it has to be down to you to decide whether you can live with the uncertainty.

I feel used by married man

Dear Coleen

I have been having an affair with a married man for the past eight years. I am 45 and he is 10 years older. It all started when we worked together and we went out drinking at lunchtime. That led to a hotel and an afternoon of sex, and then things carried on from there.

But although he claimed he had an unhappy marriage and it was “like doing time”, he was often unavailable when I either called or wanted to meet up. Then I would find out he had been out or away with his wife.

This obviously seemed odd for a person who was supposed to hate his marriage and want out. He says he loves me (and the sex is still good), but for now it’s a question of getting together when we can. It is all on his terms.

I have got to the point where I am starting to hate him as a person. I genuinely think he is very unhappy, but he won’t do anything about it — he would just rather carry on living this double life. All I want is answers — why won’t he take control of his life? At the start I thought we had everything.

Coleen says:

Well, you didn’t because he was married and he still is. And he’s still behaving this way because you have put up with it for eight years. You have been available whenever he fancied an afternoon of illicit sex.

I wonder if his marriage is as unhappy as he claims. It seems to me as if he’s getting the best of both worlds. I think you should cut this relationship off, focus on making a life for yourself and find a man who isn’t attached.

Honestly, I don’t think you’ll ever get the answers you’re looking for from him. So don’t waste any more time waiting around for him to leave his wife and run off into the sunset with you because I don’t think it’ll ever happen. When you started this affair, I doubt you imagined you’d be in the same situation eight years down the line, yet here you are.

If he was going to commit to you, he would have done it long before now. Cut your losses and end things right away because you still have a chance at finding a fulfilling and happy relationship. — Online.