Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants. This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #626
through #650 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as
among the funniest.

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> Once upon a midnight dreary, while my eyes were blank and bleary,> From incessant peering, leering, staring at my terminal,--> While I jittered from my caffiene, suddenly there came a laughing,> As of some crazed loony, halfing victims like an animal.> "'Tis myself," I muttered, "I'm becoming like an animal.> Brain is oozing out my skull.">> I had to look for some enjoyment for a break from my employment,> Or another programmer would turn into a criminal.> As I typed my program kludgy on my monitor so smudgy,> Suddenly, I saw a budgie perched upon my terminal.> Strange, for me to see a budgie perched upon my terminal!> Quoth the budgie, "Oracle.">> I said, "I am much too weary to compose a proper query,> And I know much better than to go submit the question null.> I would like to give an answer like a ballet needs a dancer,> But, you fiend, you know I can't, sir, when the queue is never full.> When I try an askme then that question queue is never full."> Quoth the budgie, "Oracle.">> I replied, "You cowardly craven, stop at once your misbehavin',> Do you think you are a raven perching on my terminal?> I would rater cross savannah, eat an over-ripe banana,> Than to contact Indiana with a question terrible.> Yes, the Oracle will never take my question terrible."> Quoth the budgie, "Oracle.">> Oracle, we know you know it. I hate budgies. Do I show it?> Humbly, Edgar Allen Poet. Please reply soon, Oracle.> P.S. I am getting pudgy eating roasted basted budgie.> Though it tastes a little sludgy, I find it is quite edible.> Would you like to try some budgie roast? It is quite edible.> Quoth the poet, "I am full."

} Supplicant, you are so evil - even borderline medieval,} When claiming to be so ill, you dare tempt The Oracle.} I want none of that roast "lovebird" - the mere thought is simply} absurd,} That I would blindly take your word that that bird is not a gull.} I like parrots, in fact love them - but I bet you pawned on me a gull.} Quoth this poet, "That is bull."}} I won't eat a bird so common - I would rather eat two strawmen.} Ask again, and I'll call lawmen before you can count to four.} I've uncovered your nasty plot. Your wicked plans are all for naught.} Let your "parrot" rot. ZOT ZOT ZOT!!! Now straighten up as before.} You owe me a real lovebird, not a gull as done before.} Poet, try that nevermore.

> Hi Oracle, I've got a confusing problem I hope you can help me with.> (Just a minute while I take off my shoes... There, that's better.)> You see, I grew up in a nudist colony, and I just don't understand how> people can do anything with these scratchy, uncomfortable clothes on.> (Just a minute while I take off this shirt... Ahh, much better.)> Whenever I take a test, I just can't concentrate because of the> discomfort, but the proctors won't let me get comfortable.> (Just a minute while I take off these pants... Much, much better.)> And now, all the people in the terminal room are staring at me. So> this brings me to my question: What is the matter with them?

} What's wrong with them? They're unAmerican! Yes! They're breaking} Constitutional law!}} The best way to end-run this problem is to demonstrate that your right} to walk around naked is guaranteed by the Bill of Rights. [If you} were writing from England, you'd be hosed.] May I suggest:}} FIRST AMENDMENT: Tattoo "Helms Sucks" on your chest. Claim that being} forced to wear clothing is now a restriction of free speech.}} SECOND AMENDMENT: Claim that your schvanstucke constitutes armament,} and this is how you choose to keep and bear it.}} THIRD AMENDMENT: Claim to be married to a soldier, and you have given} your consent for her to be quartered in your house. However, you are} homeless, so the only `house' you have is your clothing-- and she's} using it right now.}} FOURTH AMENDMENT: Batting your eyelashes, preen a little and insinuate} something about being unreasonably searched and seized. Play it for} laughs.}} FIFTH AMENDMENT: Claim that you've already been tried on charges of} public indecency, and thus can't be tried again; besides, the use of} your own state of undress in the process of filling out the police} complaint constitutes being forced to testify against yourself.}} SIXTH AMENDMENT: Remind your persecutor of your right to a public} trial. Putting a naked person on the witness stand of a public trial} merely exacerbates the problem they're trying to avoid.}} SEVENTH AMENDMENT: Bat eyelashes and preen as above; ask your} oppressor if it's worth twenty dollars or more, and then insist on a} jury. [Do NOT try this if you think the question could honestly be} answered in the negative.]}} EIGHTH AMENDMENT: Demonstrate how painful it is for you to wear} clothing; claim that being forced to do so constitutes a cruel and} unusual punishment.}} NINTH AMENDMENT: Let's quote this one in full:}} Amendment IX: The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights,} shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the} people.}} If the eight arguments above FAIL to convince your persecutors, they} have clearly taken the stand that being naked is not guaranteed by any} of the first eight amendments. Then you whip THIS one out, saying,} "Okay, being naked is not guaranteed by the first eight. But I retain} the right to be naked, which you cannot deny or disparage, by the} NINTH Amendment!"}} They will be Confused. Make good your escape.}} TENTH AMENDMENT: Another one to quote:}} Amendment X: The powers not delegated to the United States by the} Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the} States respectively, or to the people.}} Defy your tormentors to find the word "Naked" in the Constitution.}} You owe the Oracle a way to STOP thinking like a $#&?!ing lawyer.

} This poem is incredible. I mean, I have never seen such an} in-depth evaluation into pure nothingness before. It leaves} the reader with a sense of emptiness, and the reader can truly} feel the poet's pain.}} Technically, the poem is flawless. There are no questionable} line breaks to confuse the reader. There are no questionable} word choices in other to make the reader pause. In other} words, there is nothing that leaves the reader questioning the} poem itself and the poet's method of writing the poem. So the} poem flows from word to word, from line to line extremely} well. This is heightened by the lack of punctuation.}} One thing that must be mentioned is the repetition. I find it} extremely effective, since it echoes the poet's sentiments} without becoming tiresome or annoying. In line seven, the poet} says:}} >}} which echoes a similar idea of line 2. However, the repetition} of this idea is necessary, since the reader goes off a slight} tangent beginning in line 4, and needs to be drawn back into} the poem. The final repetition of this idea (occurring in the} last line), helps to tie the entire poem together.}} As for the meaning of the poem, I think it's about the} essential struggle of one man in modern society and his} attitudes towards love and death. The poet almost gives us a} sense of hopelessness and despair, but there is also an} underlying theme of hope which can be seen in line 5.}} As for things I do not like about the poem, there are very} few. I'm wondering if line 3 is really essential to the poem.} While it is very interesting, it does not seem to fit the mood} of the rest of the poem. Also, I would like to see a stanza} break after line 5. The poem seems to start in a different} direction after this line, and I think it would make the poem} truly great to see it divided up into two separate thoughts, so} to speak.}} Also, I would like to see a title. I mean, although the poem} is extremely engaging as it is, I think a title would help to} root me into the poem and give me some sense of where it is} going before I read it. However, I am a little wary of this} point, because an inadaquate title could destroy the entire} mood of the poem.}} Very nice. Good use of white space.

} This is a question often brought up by people arguing against the} existence of an omnipotent God. I tried it out once.}} Oracle: Hey, God, you can do anything, right?} God: This is true.} Oracle: Well, I bet you can't create an immovable stone.} God: Oh yeah? How much?} Oracle: Ten pints and a packet of peanuts.} God: You're on. <Creates an immovable stone>} Oracle: That's pretty impressive.} God: You bet it is.} Oracle: How about a double-or-nothing bet?} God: Sure, why not?} Oracle: I bet you can't move it over there.} God: That's not fair! You're playing with semantics and petty logic.} Oracle: So? If you can move it, you owe me the ten pints and a packet} of peanuts. If you can't, then I still don't owe you anything.} God: Let me think about this one... Got it. <Disincorporates} universe, and reconstructs it with the stone in a different} place> You see, I can play games with logic and semantics too.}} You owe the Oracle twenty pints and two packets of peanuts.

> Oh oracle most wise and well read, please answer me this...>> Since a cat always lands on its feet, and a piece of buttered toast> always lands buttered side down, if you strap a piece of buttered toast> to the back of a cat (buttered side up), which side will it land on?

} Oh supplicant most wise-cracker:} Never fool with Murphy, for He supersedes Nature, even in Her Infinite} Wisdom.}} Verily, the strap shall break on the way down. And the piece of toast} shall proceed to fall faster than the cat (DON'T give me that jive} about Gallileo, this is higher stuff!) and shall indeed land on the} expensive carpet buttered side down. The cat will fall on its feet,} directly on the piece of toast, thus grinding it well into the fabric} of the carpet (which you could've sworn you remembered to roll away} before the experiment!).}} In your desparate attempts to clean up the $2,000 rug, the vacuum will} suddenly reverse action and spew out all of the dirt which has} accumulated in it over the last few months (and just yesterday you were} going to replace the bag, dammit!). So you call up the salesman, only} to discover that the warranty has expired yesterday. You try to fix it} yourself, and of course the moment you have taken the fine machinery} apart is when the screwdriver drops out of your hand onto your big toe.} You jump and cry out in agony, scattering the tiny screws and nuts} into the least-accessible corners of the workshop, except for the} largest one which is eaten by the cat. The spare screwdriver was lent} to your neighbour last week, and he has just left for a month's} vacation in the Bahamas.}} Ergo: Ask not which side things land on: this side or that side, Nature} and Murphy are never on *your* side.}} You owe the Oracle $2.50 for the toast, $75 for the vet, $100 for} medical expenses (wounded toe), $200 for the carpet cleaners, and $200} for a new vacuum cleaner. You owe Murphy an apology. You owe Nature} your existence.

> O frabjous Oracle, calloo callay, whose gyres and gimbals never wabe,> please enlighten me, your pathetic useless supplicant:>> How is it that I'm moderately popular and have an active social life,> when I was a Computer Science major in college? From what I> understand, I am an anomaly. I'm supposed to be spending my time in a> dimly lit lab playing XTrek and drinking Jolt, am I not?>> PS. I am female; please refrain from penis jokes.

} You didn't mention my more vorpal qualities.}} O pathetic worthless supplicant, you are indeed supposed to be in a} dimly lit lab, playing XTrek and drinking Jolt. For what is our} educational system for? To educate? NO! It's a mouse race designed} to prepare you for the rat race! (College is time trials.) The} curricula are specifically designed to help you fit into the grand} pattern of modern life.}} It seems that you failed to meet the expectations of society, your} parents, various civic leaders, and most Deadheads by actually} learning something. The only cure is to continue your education} until the system grinds your free will and joie de vivre into a fine} powder.}} You might choose from the following areas of underachievement. I} have included (for your benefit) a synopsis of what is expected of} you.}} Computer Science:}} College Spend most of your time in a dimly lit lab, playing} XTrek and drinking Jolt. Interact only with other} CS majors, and only via the 'net if you can manage} it. Become passionately involved only in the} continuing IBeM/Commode-ore/Suckintosh debate.}} Real Life Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office,} playing Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet} coffee...at least five cups an hour. Interact only} with your own project team, and then only via} e-mail. Become passionately involved in the} continuing debate over who pays when the schedule} slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them} to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning.}} Psychology:}} College Spend most of your time in a dimly-lit lab, playing} with rats and other vermin. Drink Jolt by the} six-pack to stay up all night with the rodents.} Interact only with other Psychos, but only to} analyze their behavior in non-lab situations.} Become involved in the continuing debate over} whether a trained rat could succeed as a comp sci} major.}} Real Life Spend most of your time in an unemployment line and} living in a cardboard box with other vermin,} wishing you'd changed to CS instead of the rat.} Continue to consider yourself superior to social} work majors.}} Economics:}} College Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit room} full of charts and graphs. Learn about supply and} demand, GNP, supply and demand, prime rates, supply} and demand, inflation, and supply and demand.}} Real Life Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit government} office with people who look just like you. Issue} reports you wrote in college because you're too} lazy to write a new one. Watch newscaster explain} your report to unsuspecting viewers. Listen to} President explain that the economy sucks because} of unemployed psychologists.}} Philosophy:}} College Read books by dead guys. Debate whether a tree} falling alone in a forest will say, "Oh, f*ck! Not} again!" Consider the ethical problems in the killing} of annoying street mimes. Get failed by prof for} not liking correct dead guy.}} Real Life Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office,} playing Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet} coffee...at least five cups an hour. Interact only} with your own project team, and then only via} e-mail. Become passionately involved in the} continuing debate over who pays when the schedule} slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them} to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning.} Be thankful you switched to comp sci, which pays} better than being a dead philosopher.}} Math:}} College Spend your time in a cramped office, thinking about} polydimensional shapes and arguing their properties} with other mathematicians. Scream when they steal} your work. Steal their work. Be a social outcast.}} Real Life See above. You work for the university.}} I suggest you apply immediately and start being downwardly mobile.} It's never too late to become a sponge.}} You owe the Oracle a doctorate.}} PS How many penises does it take to screw in a light bulb?

> Oh Oracle of world fame, yea even unto those of us who are still> struggling to get some news software to work:>> The **** with it. I just can't be creatively funny. Not to-day, maybe> not again. A little background: I live in Johannesburg, South Africa.> Thirty-odd of my countrymen lost their lives a few days ago for no good> reason, and scores more were injured. By the grace of whatever deity> keeps an eye out for software engineers/systems administrators, I was> not in the wrong place at the wrong time - this time. My fellow> countrymen seem locked on a course of self-destruction, and I'm playing> the fiddle while Rome burns, so to speak.>> I guess I'm one of the lucky ones, I have a job, a modest house, and a> small car, all of which have simply put me in a higher debt bracket. I> do hope that the fact that this comes from a "co" and not an "ac" does> not mitigate against me, I do prefer eating and I'm not the academic> type.>> I know I'm not the only one in the world with problems, but I could> really use some of your famed creative humor about now. I'm sorry to be> such a wet blanket in my first suplication, but even my Monty-Python> collection isn't lightening the gloom.>> No reasonable job offer refused, my skills are still intact, even if> I'm currently suffering a complete sense-of-humor failure.

} Dear Friend,}} The Oracle cannot in good faith maintain its omnipotent persona in the} face of your plea. Instead you get a graduate student in} upstate New York who has also felt powerless and fearful and overcome} by the relentless stupidity of the powers that be and forces that are.}} I wish that I could make you laugh. As I read your supplication,} radio reports of the state of emergency that has been imposed there -} to maintain a safe voting environment!- bring tears to my eyes.}} I'm not sure what to tell you, but I do think that the smug sarcasm of} the Oracle would be counterproductive and trivial. Instead, I offer to} you what I have - a recipe for banana bread.}} You really don't need to know how to cook to do this - in fact, it's} better if you don't know, since you will feel even better when you} bake successfully if you do not usually bake.}} Ingredients:}} 3 ripe bananas, well mashed} 2 eggs, well beaten} 2 cups flour} 3/4 cup sugar} 1 teaspoon salt} 1 teaspoon baking soda} 1/2 cup chopped walnuts}} Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. (180 degrees Celsius; sorry I don't} know the other metric equivalents). Grease a loaf pan. Mix the bananas} and eggs together in a large bowl. Stir in the flour, sugar, salt, and} baking soda. Add the walnuts and stir to blend. Put the batter in the} pan and bake for 1 hour. Remove from pan to a rack to cool.}} I hope that you try this and find some satisfaction from it. If it} doesn't make you feel better, I suggest you re-query the Oracle: food} is an easier topic for comedic riffs than suffering.}} I have faith in your strength, and I am assured that your sense of} humor shall return to you. My thoughts are with you.}} (not-exactly-incarnated as Priscilla Finley,} ba07230@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu)

> Oh, great and wise Oracle, good friend of "Bob" Dobbs, drinking buddy> of Cthulhu, and bridge partner of Athena: Please answer the humble> query that I, a lowly supplicant who is unworthy of trimming your> nose hairs, ask of you:>> What treatment programs are available for those poor souls who are> Hooked on Phonics?

} You asked for it, you got it: the Oracle's} 12-step do-it-yourself Usenet illiteracy program!}} 1. Abandon your spell checker. Delete it if you just} can't help yourself. If it wasn't serious enough} of an error to catch it the first time, it's not} serious enough to correct.}} 2. Start making the "common" mistakes, such as agreement} between pronouns and antecedents. Use sentences} such as "Someone left their umbrella here."}} 3. Begin ending sentences with prepostions, or begin} with conjunctions. When you feel comfortable with this,} try to do both in the same sentence.}} 4. Shift moods and tenses at will.}} 5. Shift number at will. Lose any comprehension of the} words "singular" and "plural" before continuing.}} 6. Now is the time to begin losing controll of your spelling.} Have fun and develop your personnel grammatic quirks.}} 7. All ways incorrectly use "your", "you're" and "yore".}} 8. Lose controll of your vowells , not in public please.} Also. now is a good time to begin taping fingers together} before atempting to type. bEGIN using 2 for two, R for} are, and etc.}} 9. Lose controll fo "it's" and "its.}} 10. Punctuate at random}} 11. Your allmost finished - just start stabing at the keybored} Proceded when you find the caps look key.}} 12. Y00 R NOW C0MPL3T3LEE 1LL1T3RIT!!!! 1TS S3W K00L!!!!} PAR-T33 ON D00DZ!}} U 0 M3 10 BUX!!!!!!