lack of interest or enthusiasm for things generally considered interesting or moving; indifference.

lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.

“Let’s conspire to ignite all the souls that would die just to feel alive.”

– Muse (Starlight)

I’ve been feeling terribly terribly apathetic lately. I mean, I’m still opinionated and I laugh and feel sad and have good moods and bad moods, but it’s more like, I dunno, like I’m not quite present? Like there’s a thick fog that I can’t seem to penetrate? That sounds so lovely and cliché. And true.

I’ve been slowly descending into the mist for a while now, but it’s gotten spectacularly bad recently. Usually it’s easy enough to operate on autopilot, but lately it’s like even that is failing me. I can no longer make myself do things that I feel I need to do to be able to regain my life when I’m out of this funk. I’m not really bothered about going to class, and the only reason I’ve actually attended a number of them is because I don’t have the energy to explain my absence to my classmates who call, or just ask the next day. I don’t have the energy to lie. That’s never ever happened to me before. I don’t have it in me to reply messages, I don’t have it in me to express my thoughts. I can’t even pretend to have a civil conversation with my room-mates so I spend most of my time with my headphones on or asleep. Or both. Just in case 🙂

I’m sick and tired of feeling like this, yet apparently I’m not sick and tired enough of it to actually FEEL sick and tired. Confused? Anyway, the point of all this is that I’m irritated enough by it to attempt to regain some semblance of emotion. Actually posting this is step 1. It’s been sitting in my drafts about 3 days already. Maybe I’ll even be inspired to complete another of the 5 or 6 I’ve been meaning to complete for like a month 🙂

Smileys are wonderful aren’t they? Convey whatever emotion you want to feel instead of what you actually DO feel? Love them.

“Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds…”

– Eminem (Stan)

I (used to) self-injure when I feel so much that it escalates to numbness. It always serves as a reminder that I’m still part of this world, and that I CAN still feel something. Sometimes it would just be a distraction from whatever was going on. Either way, it’s always been an expression of emotion. I’d give anything to have that burning desire back. To need to hurt myself physically as a manifestation of my internal turmoil. Much better than all this emptiness. Whatev, don’t really care though (ha! apathy pun!)

If we’re all made in God’s image, why aren’t we all omnipotent, omnipresent, apathetic, invisible dudes?

In my personal opinion God IS apathetic to us. Completely indifferent. I just don’t think it needs to be some bitter, anti-religion message thing. It seems a bit unnecessary and pointless, and offensive to people who have different beliefs from you. I’d still wear it though 🙂