This last week I picked up the Capcom/Namco-Bandai/Sega mega crossover Project X Zone. The game sports characters from Space Channel 5, Resident Evil, and Tales of Vesperia, just to name a few. But nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for the utter and complete insanity of this game. Read on to see my minute-by-minute notes detailing my descent into awesomeness induced madness.

1 Minute — Alright, to start with we have an anime opening not done in 3D (despite the platform), teasing me with a whole bunch of team-ups; I am intrigued.

2 Minutes — Right off the bat we meet our original main characters for the story—who seem to be a rich girl and her bodyguard. I guess getting randomly attacked on her way to school by monsters is nothing new.

10 Minutes — Alright, on to the next tutorial battle. I have no idea who these characters are so let me look it up... oh they're from Virtua Fighter... wait a minute Virtua Fighter had actual characters and a story!? I was not aware.

15 Minutes — Team Tekken is here and Jin seems to be freaking out a bit as demons spawn in. My first mission in this area is to slap some sense into him. …And I just got a game over for failing to do it fast enough.

20 Minutes — Wow, I'm being confronted by a naked robot with giant breasts and a large pelvic bulge. ...I think I need an adult.

23 Minutes — And Street Fighter IV's Juri has appeared and seems to be teaming up with the hermaphroditic android... Is she a bad guy in the Street Fighter series or are weird naked robots just her thing?

25 Minutes — Ken and Ryu, the original fighting game bromance, are on the scene to take down Juri. Ken seems to know the other fighting game leads.

40 Minutes — Now on to a sci-fi world with teleporters bringing in monsters to kill.

42 Minutes — I don't know where this guy is from but his character design is awesome! (And even more so is his scantily clad companion's.) I don't know, maybe I just have a thing for futuristic space cowboy attire.

1 Hour — Alright, so Demitri Maximoff from Darkstalkers is hiring Dante from Devil May Cry to help him find Morrigan. This oddly makes perfect sense.

1 Hour 10 Minutes — Oh yeah! Now the cast of Shining Force and Arthur from Ghost'n Goblins have showed up to back up team DmC.

1 Hour 46 Minutes — And why is Heihachi here? Was he just chillin' at the cruise ship's bar and was like, "Oh man, a fight with zombies!? This is right up my alley!" I guess when you're immortal, you get your excitement where you can.

2 Hours — Unsurprisingly, team "Zombie Smash" had no problems with the walking dead on a boat. And for an encore, they stepped into an on-deck fountain and magically disappeared.

[At this point my notes become nothing but some scribbles and a puddle of drool.]

Project X Zone was released in Japan on October 11, 2012, for the Nintendo 3DS. There are currently no plans for an international release.

*This is not actually John McClane. This is his Japanese knock-off, Bruno Delinger, from Dynamite Deka—or as its known in the West, Die Hard Arcade.