Twiddle Me This

So, I became pretty much an overnight sensation on Twitter. Yeah, you know, what can I say? People love me. I have TENS of followers who hang on my every word. Jealous? Oh, you should be!

I even recently hit a milestone: 1000 tweets. That’s right. I have spewed forth over ONE THOUSAND pearls of wisdom, 140 characters or less at a time. So, to commemorate this amazing milestone, I decided to put my greatest hits of the first 1000 tweets right here on my blog.

Actually, I’m incredibly proud that my first tweet ever was a protest against the Boy Scouts of America. That, frankly, was pretty awesome. From that point, though, there was nothing I WOULDN’T tweet about. Here’s the best of my mental vomit (with twitter handles removed for privacy):

Nickelodeon business model: 25% entertaining children, 75% annoying the fuck out of parents.

I jumped to 15 followers… if that’s all it takes, shouldn’t “penis” always be trending (in my mind, my penis is always trending)

So, using a wooden practice katana to hit a pinata… normal? Yes?

Shouted as my son broke the pinata in two: “NOT IN MY DOJO!” My kids are growing up to be every bit as weird as me.

I had a Chinese friend in college named Long Hung Dong. True story. He never knew why we were laughing…

My daughter just made a bad joke followed by a “badum tshh”. Cancel the paternity test, this kid’s definitely mine!

You should try answering the phone “what’s up, buttercup” no matter who’s calling and even at work. It makes people’s day.

Two disturbing search terms which led people to my blog today: 1) camping circle jerk stories 2) they enjoy his vagina. Whaaaat?!

A quick shout-out to Denmark and Tunisia, where my blog has been all kinds of popular today. Enjoy the circle jerk camping stories!

Can’t wait until Disney gives Leia the horrible Disney Princess treatment and she has an animated sing-along DVD.

That’s what life’s all about. Surviving horrible experiences so you have shit to talk about when you’re drunk.

I voted yes on Prop 604: more empanadas. Controversial? Damn right!

This is it! My 1000th tweet! Should I be profound or just tweet a picture of my wang? Oops, out of characters. #anticlimactic

So, with wit and wisdom like this, you can see why I have been crowned the “King of Twitter” by my peers. Well… by my peer. One person calls me that. Hi Stacey. Thanks.

Feel free to follow me on Twitter! I always follow back, at least until I find out the only reason you followed me in the first place was to DM me some crappy link to a website for an “exciting business opportunity,” in which case, yeah… go fuck yourself. Until next time!

I worked for the US Congress for a year, during which time the Library of Congress purchased all tweets in perpetuity. Which is to say, four hundred years from now( assuming we aren’t nuked) archaelogists will comb through your tweets to understand the 21st century.

That is a HORRIBLE thought. UGH. Considering the vast majority of what I see on twitter, people 400 years from now will think every sentence began with “That awkward moment,” or “Bitches be,” neither of which makes me particularly proud of my place in history.

Although, that said, I’d love to be a fly on the wall for the conversation of “what is the social significance of the meme?”

And because of your agile finger tips, you get the Sunshine Blogger Award! Yeah… now tell me a little bit about yourself… Here’s the challenge, you must answer all 8 questions in under 140 characters. No you don’t, but that would be awesome.

I’ve been totally twitterpated lately. Finally squeezed out a few tweets over the weekend though. Wow. It occurs to me that “squeezed out” is about the nastiest verbiage I could have come up with there.

Sigh. You are almost convincing me to join twitter, *almost.* I still think I’ll wait and see how I feel after I finish getting caught up on learning the rest of the internets.
The “not in my dojo” one is pretty classic

I always wonder how much I should tweet about the family. I think, frankly, my family tweet volume is somewhere in the range of 10% to 15% of what other bloggers tweet. Though, “not in my dojo” was too good not to tweet