Recurring Abandonment Dreams

Last night I had another dream about being abandoned by the same person I have dreamed about being abandoned by for the past year and a half. This is the only person I can recall having abandonment dreams about.

We were at a party and most of what I can remember is from me watching from afar. In fact, that’s all I can remember. I assume there was a point in time in which I spoke to that person… oh wait, I just remembered. Oh yes, I said something. But I don’t remember him saying anything throughout the whole dream.

Anyway, we were at a party and I saw him and his old roommate/best friend talking. The best friend shows him how to cut a vertical line down his arm and pour cocaine into it like a salt shaker. They do that. I worry.

Later we’re walking out of the party, but it’s daylight and from the outside it looks like we’re leaving a government building with a bunch of steps. Before I speak I remember a sense of nervousness and pent up frustration, but I try to cover it with a smile and a jovial tone of speech.

He’s walking a few steps in front of me when I smile and yell, “I hate you!” There’s a pregnant silence, but we keep walking as if nothing happened. No response or reaction from him — he barely seems to notice, but now I feel embarrassed in the dream.

I want the “I hate you!” to seem like a joke, an opportunity for some playful banter perhaps. It isn’t. I didn’t hate him because I actually hate him, I hated him because he’s gone and he was never there in the first place and I have no power whatsoever and never have. I guess that applies to my waking life as well.

Next I’m at the five acres, which is the plot of land that I lived on in Southern Illinois for the first two years of my life. It’s beautiful and green and there is the cute trailer that I got taken home from the hospital to — I can still see my smiling mother’s face from the home movies as she walked up the decorated porch holding me in her arms. Many people that I know have lived in this trailer in waking/real life. In this dream, the abandoner now lives there.

I am on the outside looking in, peeping through the living room window. The couch is pressed up against the wall, so I see the back of his head and the legs of his new girlfriend resting on his lap. That’s all I remember.

I barely even talk to this person anymore, yet he still leaves me in my dreams. Now he’s in my childhood home with a new love. My subconscious is really pushing me to get over this, huh?