This website consists mostly of reflections of an older Catholic husband on marital intimacy. Why? First, marital sex is an important part of life, and of my life, so I want to understand sex better, especially the human side of sex - connecting the physiological with the emotional and psychological and intellectual and spiritual I am frankly shocked by how shallow much of the material about sex online is. But I am also sometimes struck by my own lack of understanding – for example, when I try to figure out what exactly “sexual pleasure” means. Obviously, there is a certain core idea we all understand, but a bit of reflection shows how much more complicated it is than simple physical reactions. I want to share insights and even just the questions or complexities with others. It is natural to want to know how others experience sex and understand it. I also want to think about and discuss how to “do” sex well – not in terms of sexual technique, but humanly. What does it mean to be a good person and a good husband in this particular area of married life? And, among other things, that means seeing how marital relations fit into life more broadly – into the overarching framework of reality that we see. (It is amazing how little the internet has on this kind of question.)

This website is not about sex in general, but about marital lovemaking. That has tremendous consequences. One of the most important is the kind of woman we are talking about here. What lovemaking is like depends a great deal on the character of that woman. There are such deep differences among intercourse with a loving wife, a girlfriend who is a possible wife, a girlfriend with an indeterminate future, a friendly acquaintance, a hookup, or a prostitute. They have a common core, of course, but how could they be the same? I’m not sure how useful it is to look at sex in isolation from its proper context – for example, at “sex between a man and a woman”, rather than “sex between a husband and wife” – because that “colors” or affects the experience so much. The context doesn't just add something, but transforms everything. I’m not interested that much in what “average sex” is – what’s typical of most people. (What is the average length of an orgasm or the average time it takes to make love.) I want to know more about a good man who is a husband making love to a good woman who is his wife. There is so much talk about sex in our contemporary culture, and especially on the internet, and especially of a more technical kind – what are the right “techniques”. But, interestingly, it’s just not clear whether there’s any more sexual satisfaction today, although that is widely assumed. For the record, it’s worth recalling there is no way to know for sure – we just don’t have any solid “empirical” data for sexual satisfaction until very recently – what we have is relatively little, and all anecdotal. What we do have in our society today – which is suggestive – is a lot of people constantly obsessed with how to have “better sex” (usually meaning more extended periods of sexual pleasure or more intense orgasms). If we have so much more sexual satisfaction today, now that we are liberated from our repressive past, why do people spend so much time talking about it? Why does Cosmopolitan’s front page every month have something about “The Moves You Make That Will Drive Him Wild!” Apparently, whatever you learned before wasn’t enough.

One thing about this website has to be clear: there’s no pretense here that there are final or complete answers. Aside from the futility of trying to achieve that with such a complicated topic, there’s always the fundamental point we have to come back to: people – all of us – are different. We have some things in common, but there is a uniqueness to every person, and so also a uniqueness to every couple. But, having recognized that, the things we have in common may make it possible to learn from each other. And I hope this website can contribute to that in its small way.

While there is much on the internet about physical foreplay that is not particularly insightful, there are more sensible observations on this topic than on many others. The reason is that successful sex depends so much on foreplay -- especially for women -- that it is hard to ignore. But, at the same time, there is still a frequent tendency to view foreplay from a physical perspective. This is a very narrow view of it.

The most important area of the body for foreplay is the mouth and tongue -- and by that I mean TALKING!

I once heard a lecture on marriage that stressed the importance of “Foretalk” for marital relations. Why is this so important, especially for most women?

I think the answer is that sex is not merely a physical act, especially for most wives. Women have a deeper natural understanding of physical sex as an outcome of and embodiment of personal union. (It is often said that physical sex without personal attention and affection -- just "getting down to it" -- can make a wife feel like a prostitute.)

But “personal” union – union between two persons – is not just physical, because persons are more than bodies. They are embodied souls, a union of matter and spirit. Personal union is felt when two people are united -- 'in sync," "on the same page." They are sharing a perspective on some aspect of life, and, preferably (for the deepest union) on many (and especially the most important) aspects of life -- and, most importantly, on their own relationship. This is a sharing of minds – “seeing” things the same way – and of hearts – sharing the same loves -- as well as a deep sharing of their bodies.

This sharing or union helps a wife let down her natural feminine defense as with respect to sex – because she is especially vulnerable in sexual relations. An evolutionary biologist might explain this in terms of the vulnerability of a pregnant women in early human societies and her need to have a reliable mate. Others might simply recognize that women, more than men, tend to form bonds in the act of sexual intercourse. (This is why the leading study on premarital sex in America points out that women are much more likely to be left shattered by premarital sex than men are: "Study after study has shown that women with higher numbers of sexual partners, or those who began having sex at an earlier age, frequently suffer from depression or other emotional problems. In fact, after the sexual revolution and the feminist tidal wave of the seventies, increasing numbers of women are looking back on what's happened with regret, not happiness." Premarital Sex in America Regnerus and Uecker.)

The need for extensive "foretalk" has some very practical implications: it drives some men nuts! (And probably most men, some of the time.) Interiorly, a husband can sometimes be silently shouting "Oh, my love, please stop talking and let’s make love"!

But this is a failure to see the value of that talking, how it's such an important part of the foreplay, very much part of the initiation of lovemaking, the dance, the growing communion - and how great the return on that bit of patience is!

One image that sticks in my mind is this: in the early stages of sexual intercourse there is a slow movement of a husband and wife circling toward each other, lessening the distance between them, as if a long, brightly colored fabric floats round them and then gradually encircles them and pulls them together closer and closer, until their bodies are tight against each other, with no space in between them -- ready, finally, to be deeply united in the act of love.