Time Alone

Why do we have such a hard time spending quiet time alone with just ourselves?

I was walking down a beautiful path along the Mediterranean the other day. The sun was shining, the water was an azure blue, and the waves were crashing against the rocks. I walked and walked and walked and many thoughts crowded my mind, the uppermost being, "I wish I had an iPod."

Unlike Gwendolen in Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Ernest, who is famous for saying my all-time favorite line, "I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train", my thoughts were not that stimulating. They dwelt on my anxieties and faults and I dreamt of the iPod as a way to block them out. It doesn't have to be music. I'm happy to listen to a Torah class. Anything that means I don't have to listen to myself.

Something is wrong here. Our history is replete with stories of righteous people who spent significant time alone – in reflection and working on their relationship with the Almighty. Many of our great leaders were shepherds, spending long hours alone perfecting their characters and tending their flocks.

What's wrong with me? For one thing, we're out of the habit. We're used to being bombarded with information, news, emails nonstop. We're not accustomed to being alone. We don't know what to do with our time. We think there' something wrong if we're not busy. We don't know how to take advantage of the opportunity. (A camp director recently told me that campers are coming to camp for shorter periods of time since they cannot handle the withdrawal effects of being without their iPhone.)

And perhaps we're afraid of our thoughts. They're not all happiness and light. Or productive and meaningful.

Some of this is training. Because of the constant (over)stimulation, we haven't learned to discipline our minds, to take charge of our thoughts. This is a real loss. Many of you probably remember the ads, "A brain is a terrible thing to waste." Yet, by not training our minds, we waste ours all the time.

We don't exercise any control over what we think or when we think it. And that's a shame. Because we could be elevating ourselves. We could be improving our character. We could be growing and changing. We could be reviewing important concepts (I could be replacing all those television theme songs from my childhood with significant Torah ideas!) I am duly chastened.

I still want an iPod. For those moments when I don't have the energy or will to discipline my mind, at least let me have a crutch. Let me listen to classes and learn as I stroll along.

But let me also have a new goal – not to waste the opportunity of that rare and precious commodity: time alone.

Yes, I was appreciating the beautiful view. And enjoying the gift the Almighty has given us. But I could do better. Luckily the Jewish month of Elul is here, the perfect time to embrace the chance to change.

A Real Sports Hero: Follow up to last week's blog.

“When I am done playing golf, I’d rather be noted for being a good husband and good father than anything else.”

Pursuant to my recent blog about the bizarre and unpleasant stories in our 24/7 news cycle comes a feel-good story out of Oakville, Ontario (don’t feel bad if you’ve never heard of Oakville; if I hadn’t grown up in an equally small, similar bedroom community close by I wouldn’t have either!)

Hunter Mahan is the 31 year-old American golfer quoted above. Halfway through the Canadian Open, in the lead, with $1,000,000 in prize money in sight, he got a phone call and abruptly left the tournament. His wife had gone into labor with their first child.

She was three weeks early which is why he thought this particular sports event was even within the realm of possibility. But he didn’t hesitate for an instant. He didn’t debate the merits of being a sports hero, of earning a large sum of money, versus being there to support his wife and watch his child come into the world.

As he explained, “Success comes and goes…Seeing your daughter every day, having a family – that is stuff that makes you happy to your core.”

That shouldn’t be so startling. He shouldn’t be such an anomaly. But, in a world where so-called sports heroes are being arrested for murder, this type of commitment to family stands out. This understanding of what really counts is unusual. This ability to draw a line is rare.

I hope that Mr. Mahan will get his picture on the Wheaties box or on the cover of Sports Illustrated. I hope that he will be a role model to our youth about work-life balance, about appropriate priorities, about being a mensch.

I hope so but I’m skeptical. He didn’t win the money; he’s not flashy and aggressive. He’s not self-promoting and he hasn’t become a household name. But he should.

Unlike the divorced players, the womanizing athletes, the sports figures caught with guns in night clubs or running dog fighting rings, Mr. Mahan is not a front page story. He doesn’t seek or attract attention. There’s no sensationalism.

So he will probably fade from view. Which is a real shame. But Hunter Mahan is an authentic sports hero.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 7

(6)
chava,
September 22, 2013 10:54 AM

People you miss

If you don't let them in, and give them the attention and emotions they need, they'll continue to push their way in. But if you talk to them, sit with them, give them your full attention, then they won't leave, but they'll change subtly. They'll always be sad, but their color and tone will change, so you can live in this world. The thoughts, the people you have loved, the people you miss --- they'll never leave you alone, and you wouldn't want them to. But they'll be there in the background, watching, maybe giving advice, or maybe cheering you on. They're a part of you forever, and you'll always miss them. But that doesn't mean your sadness has to keep you from life.

(5)
chava,
August 7, 2013 5:28 PM

take longer showers

Have you noticed that problems for which you thought there was no solution, or innovative ideas come often when you're in the shower or right before you fall asleep? These are times when you're alone with only yourself and your thoughts. I always thought it was great when I saw pictures of the US President jogging, for jogging, if done without an ipod or cellphone, is also alone time and time that's ripe for solving problems or just getting to know oneself.

(4)
Jaya,
August 7, 2013 3:24 PM

Time Alone

I loved this article , it reflects my belief and my joy in being alone with myself . That time I treasure because I see myself objectively , see the good I did and the opportunities I missed . I see where I failed and when I exceeded my own potentials .thank you for this and so many articles I benefit from even though I am a Devout Hindu .

(3)
Yehuda mizrahi,
August 7, 2013 2:41 PM

Hitbodedut

I can suggest the incredible documentary Hitbodedut,co.il a 52 minute film on being not alone but with Hashem with the renowned R Mota Franc R Shalom Arusha and many others it is a free download u will be amazed

(2)
SusanE,
August 5, 2013 8:32 PM

This is what I heard. So, this is what I do.

About 20 years ago someone said If you can't stand being alone with your thoughts and your actions.....why would you think any one else would want to spend time with you? It made total sense to me. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ The time I spend on my own, not on the internet or phone or watching TV, is good solid learning time. It's unique and very valuable to me because it's time to rethink the day or just to think, to play out ideas, to notice things around me, talk out a problem with G-d, sit and watch the sky change into evening. I don't plan these times, they just happen and I think they are a gift to me from G-d. I couldn't live without alone time.

Terri,
August 10, 2013 7:20 PM

GREAT RESPONSE

I agree with you, however, so many of us have lost loved ones, etc; and those sad sad thoughts hover around us when we are alone. How can we learn to not let them in?

(1)
scott,
August 4, 2013 8:40 AM

Quiet Time

I spent some time visiting Chabad shuls in the states and attended a series of lectures on the afterlife given by the local rabbi. I may not have fully understood the material-I'm no torah scholar-but one concept I think I heard resonated deeply with me and still does today. Our time of judgement...it's us judging ourselves. The veil of separation between man and G*d and man and man is lifted and we are confronted with the true consequences of our actions here. With perfect empathy. And it can be excruciating to deal with the negative effects our actions have had on the world.

Time alone can be that way. Without the noise of the world distracting us, thinking about our lives and actions can be troubling. I spend a lot of time criticizing myself...what if? why couldn't I have just....I didn't know..on and on. Instead of using the time to connect with G*d and be grateful and think about what should be and can be in my life, I feel isolated from G*d and man. I pray but the answer is too quiet to hear. I have the volume on mute. Probably because I'm scared of the answer.

AA has a fourth step-Make a Fearless Moral Inventory and then two more...tell it to someone and try to make amends where possible. It's the things we can't forgive ourselves for that kill us and keep us in a bad place. Guilt and shame.

Welcome to Elul. Time to do these steps (that Bill W obviously stole from G*d-I'm sure he doesn't mind) and end our addiction to guilt and shame and move forward to a new year and a better life. The harder you work this month, the better you life gets.

And the more you will get out of those quiet moments alone. And the higher the volume be will during your conversations with G*d in those quiet moments.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!