Message Boards

Topic : The Other Woman

If you've been the other woman, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

The Former Wife

Hi. I am in a wonderful live-in relationship with a man and we plan to spend the rest of our lives together. His 18 year old son just left for college in a neighboring state. While we were at the home that my boyfriend's former wife and he shared before their divorce (about 5 years before I came along) I became very uncomfortable. The former wife was very nice to me but she and my boyfriend (she started the conversation) remininisted about how they raised their son while her boyfriend and I were sitting there. Her boyfriend is divorced and has a child. I've never been married (mid 40s) no children. I finally got up and walked out. Then to top things off, my boyfriend has mentioned to me (as in the last 24 hours, twice now) that I need to deal with my insecurities about his ex because as far as he's concerned, they did nothing wrong. Yes, my feelings got hurt by them reminiscing big time, and that's too bad for her boyfriend and I. The fact that he keeps bringing up that she does know my boyfriend better than I do, well, I have to deal with it. The fact that he told me that she was so understanding about the tear he had in his eye when she saw him and I didn't see it, well to bad for me. My boyfriend told me that because of all the heck he and his son went through, that he will never get back with her but that I am now expected to spend holidays with her, his son and him and her boyfriend (if her boyfriend is still around since I got the impression that he might dump her.) Any suggestions on how to get through the holidays with the ex now in my life for more than attending weddings, funerals, etc. at the same time as. My boyfriend's son graduated from high school and I pulled that off with grace having to deal with her but both of them are being insensitive to me. I should add that she has a drinking problem and showed some of her true colors when I wasn't around by telling my boyfriend that she wants more money for their son which she will not be getting. Her child support has run out and my boyfriend will be sending money directly to his son. Otherwise, my life is fantastic. I'm new to all this ex stuff.

Former wife....

Hi. I am in a wonderful live-in relationship with a man and we plan to spend the rest of our lives together. His 18 year old son just left for college in a neighboring state. While we were at the home that my boyfriend's former wife and he shared before their divorce (about 5 years before I came along) I became very uncomfortable. The former wife was very nice to me but she and my boyfriend (she started the conversation) remininisted about how they raised their son while her boyfriend and I were sitting there. Her boyfriend is divorced and has a child. I've never been married (mid 40s) no children. I finally got up and walked out. Then to top things off, my boyfriend has mentioned to me (as in the last 24 hours, twice now) that I need to deal with my insecurities about his ex because as far as he's concerned, they did nothing wrong. Yes, my feelings got hurt by them reminiscing big time, and that's too bad for her boyfriend and I. The fact that he keeps bringing up that she does know my boyfriend better than I do, well, I have to deal with it. The fact that he told me that she was so understanding about the tear he had in his eye when she saw him and I didn't see it, well to bad for me. My boyfriend told me that because of all the heck he and his son went through, that he will never get back with her but that I am now expected to spend holidays with her, his son and him and her boyfriend (if her boyfriend is still around since I got the impression that he might dump her.) Any suggestions on how to get through the holidays with the ex now in my life for more than attending weddings, funerals, etc. at the same time as. My boyfriend's son graduated from high school and I pulled that off with grace having to deal with her but both of them are being insensitive to me. I should add that she has a drinking problem and showed some of her true colors when I wasn't around by telling my boyfriend that she wants more money for their son which she will not be getting. Her child support has run out and my boyfriend will be sending money directly to his son. Otherwise, my life is fantastic. I'm new to all this ex stuff.

When you were at her home and they were reminising, what was it that was so bad that made you get up and leave? When a child goes off to college, its kind of emotional, and its nice for his son that the two of them can look at the past and pick out the good times to reflect on. There isn't anything that you can do to erase his past, especially when it comes to raising a child, which is something they did together, before you were ever in his life. They have been divorced for quite some time, and you are the woman that he lives with and wants to spend the rest of his life with. Do you have a hard time believing him when he says that he would never get back together with his exwife? One thing that will make you more secure is time. You didn't say that you've experienced any holidays with the ex yet, only the graduation, and you pulled that off with grace, which is a good thing! I'm wondering why do you have to hang out with the ex on holidays, why not start new traditions since he isn't a 'family' with his ex anylonger? You and your boyfriend can have relatives over and his son to celebrate holidays, or go to other relatives and bring his son along, things like that. Is this his idea to spend holidays with the ex? That I do find a bit odd, I can't imagine spending the rest of your life hanging out with his ex every holiday. It is good to be kind and handle all situations with grace, but having to spend every holiday with the ex? That is asking a bit too much!

Of course his ex is going to know him more then you do at this point, but you are the one who wants to know more, you are the one he is living with, she is the one he divorced. For the sake of his son, hold your head high and keep handling your meetings with grace. Over time, you will come to feel more secure in the situation. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but you will. Good luck!

The Other Woman

Hi. I am in a wonderful live-in relationship with a man and we plan to spend the rest of our lives together. His 18 year old son just left for college in a neighboring state. While we were at the home that my boyfriend's former wife and he shared before their divorce (about 5 years before I came along) I became very uncomfortable. The former wife was very nice to me but she and my boyfriend (she started the conversation) remininisted about how they raised their son while her boyfriend and I were sitting there. Her boyfriend is divorced and has a child. I've never been married (mid 40s) no children. I finally got up and walked out. Then to top things off, my boyfriend has mentioned to me (as in the last 24 hours, twice now) that I need to deal with my insecurities about his ex because as far as he's concerned, they did nothing wrong. Yes, my feelings got hurt by them reminiscing big time, and that's too bad for her boyfriend and I. The fact that he keeps bringing up that she does know my boyfriend better than I do, well, I have to deal with it. The fact that he told me that she was so understanding about the tear he had in his eye when she saw him and I didn't see it, well to bad for me. My boyfriend told me that because of all the heck he and his son went through, that he will never get back with her but that I am now expected to spend holidays with her, his son and him and her boyfriend (if her boyfriend is still around since I got the impression that he might dump her.) Any suggestions on how to get through the holidays with the ex now in my life for more than attending weddings, funerals, etc. at the same time as. My boyfriend's son graduated from high school and I pulled that off with grace having to deal with her but both of them are being insensitive to me. I should add that she has a drinking problem and showed some of her true colors when I wasn't around by telling my boyfriend that she wants more money for their son which she will not be getting. Her child support has run out and my boyfriend will be sending money directly to his son. Otherwise, my life is fantastic. I'm new to all this ex stuff.

To be honest, I agree with your boyfriend. I have two ex-husbands, and I have children with both of them. I no longer have any feelings of love for either of them, but we will ALWAYS be bonded as parents, and we will ALWAYS have moments that cause us to reminisce about those children...graduations, weddings, births of grandchildren, etc. Anyone who intends to share our lives will need to understand and accept that---fortunately, my current DH, ex #1's wife, and ex #2's GF have no problems in that regard.

The Other Woman

To be honest, I agree with your boyfriend. I have two ex-husbands, and I have children with both of them. I no longer have any feelings of love for either of them, but we will ALWAYS be bonded as parents, and we will ALWAYS have moments that cause us to reminisce about those children...graduations, weddings, births of grandchildren, etc. Anyone who intends to share our lives will need to understand and accept that---fortunately, my current DH, ex #1's wife, and ex #2's GF have no problems in that regard.

Your boyfriend and his ex will always have a connection. They have a child together. If you are going to spend the rest of your life with this man you will have to get used to the fact that he is on good terms with his ex. If this is not something you can live with you should probably end the relationship now.

It really doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about. (My parents were the same way and still are.)

I know you can't understand this, but the connection one has with a person you have had...

Hi. I am in a wonderful live-in relationship with a man and we plan to spend the rest of our lives together. His 18 year old son just left for college in a neighboring state. While we were at the home that my boyfriend's former wife and he shared before their divorce (about 5 years before I came along) I became very uncomfortable. The former wife was very nice to me but she and my boyfriend (she started the conversation) remininisted about how they raised their son while her boyfriend and I were sitting there. Her boyfriend is divorced and has a child. I've never been married (mid 40s) no children. I finally got up and walked out. Then to top things off, my boyfriend has mentioned to me (as in the last 24 hours, twice now) that I need to deal with my insecurities about his ex because as far as he's concerned, they did nothing wrong. Yes, my feelings got hurt by them reminiscing big time, and that's too bad for her boyfriend and I. The fact that he keeps bringing up that she does know my boyfriend better than I do, well, I have to deal with it. The fact that he told me that she was so understanding about the tear he had in his eye when she saw him and I didn't see it, well to bad for me. My boyfriend told me that because of all the heck he and his son went through, that he will never get back with her but that I am now expected to spend holidays with her, his son and him and her boyfriend (if her boyfriend is still around since I got the impression that he might dump her.) Any suggestions on how to get through the holidays with the ex now in my life for more than attending weddings, funerals, etc. at the same time as. My boyfriend's son graduated from high school and I pulled that off with grace having to deal with her but both of them are being insensitive to me. I should add that she has a drinking problem and showed some of her true colors when I wasn't around by telling my boyfriend that she wants more money for their son which she will not be getting. Her child support has run out and my boyfriend will be sending money directly to his son. Otherwise, my life is fantastic. I'm new to all this ex stuff.

I know you can't understand this, but the connection one has with a person you have had children with, is never ever totally gone. Yes, you will have people that hate their ex's and don't want anything to do with them for many valid reasons, but the one thing that they have in common, is the love they have for their child. This is something not easy to deal with, but even in a bad marriage, there were good times, or they would never have gotten married. If all the talk was about good times, and had to do with a fond memory of their child, then you need to realize that there were good times between them at one time, and those times are gone.

You talk about it being your boyfriend, and she has a boyfriend as well, well remember, your boyfriend chose you, and since no one is married, he could be with her if that was his choice, but it isn't. If you love this man, and your relationship is a good one, just realize that it is her loss, not yours. She may have some good memories of when they were a family, and it involves their child, but YOU have him, and accept the fact that you are HIS choice, not her. I am sure you have a past as well, and I am sure you have fond memories of whomever is from your past. According to you, they were not reminiscing about their fond memories with just them, it was about their child, something you knew they had before you made whatever commitment you have with your boyfriend. Don't expect them to not have good memories about their child. I wonder if part of your jealously is because it is an area you can't share in, not being a parent yourself, more than him talking with his ex, that he chose to no longer be with.

I hope this helps, and I hope you can be more secure in the fact that you are with him, because he chooses to be with you, just like you chose to be with him. Good luck

HELP!!

I didn't think of myself as the other women until just recently. I met a wonderful man about a year ago. We just moved in together. He moved to my state 2 years ago with the military and his wife chose to stay in her state and move her boyfriend in with her. He didn't file for divorce when it happened. He was insecure and didn't think he would ever find anyone else. When he found me he said he decided to file. May I remind you this was a year ago. She has been fighting him on the divorce supposedly. He did however get a Legal separation. I see him moving in with me as a commitment but am I wrong to want more of a commitment? I want to be engaged to him, I know I know he is still married but to me that would be a bigger commitment than just moving in with me. I feel he has the best of both worlds and is in no hurry to get the divorce done with. I don't want to push him into it but on the other hand I have 2 small children that totally love him. He is amazing with them. Much better than their own dad. Do I give it more time or pack up and move on with my life? I do love him but I was played in my first marriage and am terrified to get played in this relationship. Any advise would be grateful. Thank you!! &nbsp

Played?!

I didn't think of myself as the other women until just recently. I met a wonderful man about a year ago. We just moved in together. He moved to my state 2 years ago with the military and his wife chose to stay in her state and move her boyfriend in with her. He didn't file for divorce when it happened. He was insecure and didn't think he would ever find anyone else. When he found me he said he decided to file. May I remind you this was a year ago. She has been fighting him on the divorce supposedly. He did however get a Legal separation. I see him moving in with me as a commitment but am I wrong to want more of a commitment? I want to be engaged to him, I know I know he is still married but to me that would be a bigger commitment than just moving in with me. I feel he has the best of both worlds and is in no hurry to get the divorce done with. I don't want to push him into it but on the other hand I have 2 small children that totally love him. He is amazing with them. Much better than their own dad. Do I give it more time or pack up and move on with my life? I do love him but I was played in my first marriage and am terrified to get played in this relationship. Any advise would be grateful. Thank you!! &nbsp

Read through your post again. Are you quite sure you're not being played right now? Have you seen the papers that he supposedly filed? Do you have proof that his wife had a boyfriend living with her (other than the word of your boyfriend?)
If you don't want to be "played" then act like it. The way you do that is tell a guy when you find out he's married, that even though you are attracted to him, you don't do that sort of thing. You don't let your kids get to know him and love him. What were you thinking?!
But what's done is done right? Now that you got yourself into this mess, you need to pull off the blinders and get a handle on what's really going on here, not what you would LIKE to be going on. Find out for sure if he's being honest with you. If he's not, get rid of him before you and the kids are hurt further. If he is being honest, tell him he needs to clean up his prior mess before things go any further. How can things progress when he is married already? And what kind of message are you sending your kids? Is this any way to teach them how to be married and have respect for their future spouse? You have to show that you respect yourself enough to do the honorable thing, and demand that he do it too.
You shouldn't be wasting your time on people who like to start messes and hurt others. You are responsible for your children and should have them uppermost in your mind when you date others. There are men out there who would make good husbands and fathers, and clue number one: they are not married already.

need to vent

Hi. I've been the "other woman" for 1 1/2 years. We don't see each other very often, maybe once every month or so. He feels real guilty because we are both married with kids, but he keeps coming around. I never have felt guilty, I know that sounds bad, but I can't help how I feel. To me, this is something I do just for me, no one knows about it. We are very discreet. And neither of us would ever admit to it. I know there are lots of women in this situation. Most of us get slammed for it. And I can see why. But it still dosen't change anything. My feeling for this other man are very strong, and yet I'm happily married and wouldn't want to change that. I guess I want my cake and eat it too! Are there other women out there that get me?

???

Hi. I've been the "other woman" for 1 1/2 years. We don't see each other very often, maybe once every month or so. He feels real guilty because we are both married with kids, but he keeps coming around. I never have felt guilty, I know that sounds bad, but I can't help how I feel. To me, this is something I do just for me, no one knows about it. We are very discreet. And neither of us would ever admit to it. I know there are lots of women in this situation. Most of us get slammed for it. And I can see why. But it still dosen't change anything. My feeling for this other man are very strong, and yet I'm happily married and wouldn't want to change that. I guess I want my cake and eat it too! Are there other women out there that get me?

What does it matter if anybody out here "gets" you? How is your husband going to take it if he finds out? Will he "get" you? That's what matters.