Vancouver, Canada - Local Vancouver gardener and life-long Canadian Henry Brown spoke softly to Smooth Operator as he retold his tale of woe, a tale so sad and touching that we cried uncontrollably as our interview robot transcribed every heartfelt word.

Nearly a two weeks ago, Brown planted what he hoped would sprout into a majestic garden, the kind of garden that any Vampire-fearing man would appreciate and vegetable haters would despise. He purchased carrots, beans, pumpkins, squash, tomatoes, radishes, sunflowers, and a whole host of other greens that make us thankful for our deep love of roasted animal flesh.

Each day Brown watered his plants, sang classic Celine Deon ballads to his plants, and danced a traditional Vancouver growth dance (careful of course not to trample any sprouting plants while doing so of course).

Despite his best efforts, none of his plants grew and he lost two toes to frostbite.

"I'm really at a loss why," said a distraught Brown as he gingerly finished his second of four twelve-packs for the day, a tradition long withstanding on Wednesdays in Canada.

Plant experts who we spoke to (and likely teased in high school) said the cause of the plants not growing was most likely attributed to the former Mr. Brittney Spears, Kevin Federline, who was recently seen trampling plants in gardens all across Canada in an effort to free America from its dependence on foreign foods.

It may have also had something to do with the weather, which saw temperatures repeatedly drop below freezing. Winter is also well known to be a really, really bad time of the year to plant a garden.

"The weather?" questioned Brown when we suggested this as a possible reason. "The weather ain't no problem. You're an idiot for suggesting it, now take your robot and get off my lawn!"
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