I Would Say If I Could Say

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This is a kind of wordplay joke you find characters using, on themselves or others, about how a common expression is very appropriate to the situation at hand... but not for them, since they can no longer use it without it being technically incorrect or highly ironic. Another way to do this is to "fix" the expression so that it works unironically, which changes the expression into a suspiciously off statement for those who have no clue about the character.

For example:

An undead could say "The city at night is so beautiful it takes my breath away... if I still breathed, anyway."

For this humor to work, the audience has to know enough about the character to see why the normal statement wouldn't apply. It's not a very difficult task if it can be known just from looking at them or watching them for a bit, but if the relevant bit of background is subtle or requires knowing Backstory the joke can get lost to new viewers. Alternately, a character can be introduced using this kind of humor so the audience and fellow cast can learn something about them, be it that they're somehow different or prone to offbeat humor. If it takes a few episodes for the joke to pay off, it becomes funnier in repeat viewings.

Examples:

"It has been over a few decades since I have eaten anything decent. It became so painful that the back of my stomach and my back were almost indistinguishable. That was the kind of life I lived for so many years. Then again, I am a skeleton so I don't have a stomach or back. Yohohohohohoho."

7-Zark-7 on Battle of the Planets was often given lines referencing his being a robot, such as 'My heart would be in my mouth — if I had a mouth' (perhaps with a line about his non-existent heart added for variety).

In the main story, the Black Lantern, Negative Woman says, "I can't for the life of me understand why. Ah, perhaps 'life' was not the best choice of word."

In the Metal Men backup strip, Doc Magnus says, "My God (Metaphorically speaking. I don't actually believe in the existence of a supreme being)! What happened here?"

A Running Gag with Doctor Thirteen was him saying "Oh my God... Who is not real and is used only as a figure of speech referring to a widespread cultural fiction."

Films — Animated

A variant in Igor, where Scamper, a reanimated rabbit with an extreme Healing Factor; and Brain, exactly what the name implies; are trying to dismantle a doomsday device. Failing, Brain panics and exclaims, "We're all gonna die! Except you!"

In the Cut Song "The Jitterbug" from The Wizard of Oz, the Scarecrow says, "I haven't got a brain, but I think I ought to worry."

Aunt Em to Almira Gulch "For twenty-three years, I've been dying to tell you what I thought of you, and now—well—being a Christian woman, I can't say it!"

In Return to Oz, the flying Gump says as they fall to their Doom™, "If I had a stomach, I know I'd be sick!"

In Jason X, the android Kay-Em gets her head knocked off by Jason during the climactic battle. After Jason is killed at the end, Kay-Em's disembodied head is being carried by one of the other surviving heroes, and she states, "I'd clap, if I could."

In A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, Zero Mostel's character (a slave) says "This will make my father turn over in his grave". His young master tells him that his father is still alive. Mostel replies "Yeah, but this'll kill him!"

In Star Trek VI, when the crew of the Enterprise is ordered to go back to a star base to be decommissioned, Spock's reply is "If I were Human, I believe my response would be 'Go to Hell.' If I were Human."

Oh, Captain America, always believing you can live without a war to fight. I can't physically throw up in my mouth, but...

In the Casper movie, Cat gets in an argument with the the Ghostly Trio and tells them to "Drop dead!", to which they retort "Too late!"

Literature

From Halloween Romance: "I defy any human being to fail to learn slow dancing. Then again, I'm technically not a human being anymore."

In The Dresden Files novel Ghost Story, Harry, currently a ghost, uses the undead version: "Centuries from now, who knows? Maybe magic will have the side effect of making you really good-looking and popular with the opposite sex - but I'm not holding my breath. I mean, you know. I wouldn't be. If I still had any."

In the Discworld, Gaspode The Wonder Dog is fond of mutating the expression "pull the other one, it's got bells on" to "pull one of the others, it's got bells on", since being a dog he has four legs. This almost gets him caught when he has to pass for human at one point.

There's something similar in Jingo. A watchman says "well, at least we're all still breathing" and resident zombie (and Zombie Advocate) Reg points out that this is a "vitalist remark."

Death, essentially a walking robe-wearing skeleton, does this in Hogfather:

It gets under your skin, life. Speaking metaphorically, of course.

Mack narrates, in The Automatic Detective: despite his vow to keep his nose clean, "which should have been easy, since I didn't have a nose", he heard something break in the apartment and had to investigate.

In Simon R. Green's Nightside novels, it's not uncommon for entities without bodies, like animated doors, talking wishing wells, or sentient computers, to bitch about how a confusing situation or Logic Bomb is giving them a headache, in defiance of the fact they don't have heads.

"Don't assume that all Dark Hunters are bitter ex-Toa like Nidhiki or bumbling masses of muscle like Krekka. Some of them would be enough to make my flesh crawl... if I had flesh."

A variant is also used by Hahli, said to Karzahni, who has imprisoned her and her team in the BIONICLE version of Hell:

"I'd tell you where you can go, except I think we're already there."

In the third book of P.C.Hodgell's Chronicles of the Kencyrath series, Seeker's Mask, Jame, the heroine, trying to sort out how she's related to another character, in a culture that places a great deal of importance on blood relationships, says, "If I had a piece of chalk, I'd work it out on a wall, if I had a wall."

Jaime Sommers: You don't have to be so dramatic. SarahCorvus: Don't I? Cause I thought I was just told by the one person who can save my life that she has better things to do. That feels pretty dramatic to me... not that I can actually feel anything, but I can intellectually imagine that that feels pretty dramatic.

Dexter does this a lot in voice over, referring to his lack of emotional reactions. Of his adoptive sister, he says "I don't have feelings, but if I could have feelings, I would have them for Deb."

In one episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, Data visits his birth planet (so to speak), and tells Picard, "I could say 'home, sweet home', sir. If I understood how the word 'sweet' applies."

Also, Data once says "If I were not an android, I would find this entire process insulting."

There's another episode in which Q is Brought Down to Normal, where he says something along the lines of: "It gets on my nerves, now that I have them."

The Big Bang Theory: Leonard the shy physicist guy asked Penny the beautiful neighbour out, but she's not aware that it's a romantic date. When Leonard prepares, he's pretty stressed out. His room-mate Sheldon the insufferable genius offers possible outcomes: first one that alcohol and poor judgement might work for Leonard's benefit, or that there will be a string of awkward meetings in the hall until one of them moves to another zip code.

There was also his speech for the opening of the new bridge on Sqornshellous Zeta.

"I would like to say that it is a very great pleasure, honor and privilege for me to open this bridge, but I can't because my lying circuits are all out of commission. I hate and despise you all. I now declare this hapless cyberstructure open to the unthinking abuse of all who wantonly cross her."

In the Cabin Pressure episode "Gdansk", Douglas points out that he cannot honestly say "you win some, you lose some" to poor Martin.

"She has fled, right under where my nose would be, if I had a nose! I miss you, tiny, freckly nose."

There is this exchange between a disembodied character and an animated skeleton in A Modest Destiny:

Hechter: Your eyes are as beautiful as diamonds. Well... er... I assume. Giggles: I'm sure your eyes are pretty nice-looking too, wherever they are. Hechter: If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me? Giggles: I would, but I don't know where it is...

In thisBlip comic, the first insult which comes to mind for Maggie the talking cat is 'pussy'.

A Running Gag in Darths & Droids sees Jabba the Hutt always use expressions like "stick my neck out", "up my sleeve", "I'm all ears", and "take it lying down" before correcting them because they don't apply to him.

Web Original

Dragon Ball Z Abridged has the following gem from Dr. Gero after Android 19 finally gets the upper hand against Goku.

Dr. Gero: Well boys, I can't say it hasn't been fun. In fact, if I still had a penis, it would be most auspicious that we're wearing baggy pants. But enough about hypothetical erections...

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