There was a vast amount of people at my father's funeral. Eulogy etc was great but I wish we had not declined the need to have a book for signing. It would have been nice to look back and remember all of the people who came because there was no way I was able to speak to all of them and didn't know a number of them either.

Since she got out of the nursing home, she's had just one fall... just before my trip to Paris, and she had another last night, before my trip to Tuscany. Not sure if this is a coincidence of my going away is stressing her, but it's certainly stressing me.

I was as up there at the weekend, and spent most of Sunday either on the phone to 111 or waiting for a call back, as she was in too much pain (arthritis in her knee) to move and thought she ought to go into hospital... They obviously thought not (not surprisingly.) Last night she slipped out of bed while trying to use the commode and had to get the personal alarm people to come. This morning, her carers decided to bring her downstairs, and I had her on the phone earlier in tears and wanting to die. She needed to go to the loo and she can't get out of bed. She has pressed her personal alarm button again

I have been going back and forth on the phone for about two hours between social worker, care providers and community care team. All very nice, but somewhat conflicting information gleaned. In the end it was established that she can have extra care if needed (there was a quibble and a complication.) Phew.

I rang my mother back after all this. Now she's been to the loo, thanks to emergency button people (!) she is alright again! (Apart from wishing she was dead, but that's normal.)

While I am relieved that she is ok... aghhh! However the time on the phone was not wasted as I feel I have a fuller picture now. Good thing my plotters (penultimate stage of book that need to be checked carefully and quickly) didn't come in while all this was going on.

It seems to me that she really needs to go into a home... in the meantime I guess I just have to trust the care provider's assessment, and perhaps not so much (callously?) my mother's tearful phone calls.

It would be really nice if I could, now, just look forward to my holiday. We are supposed (I have to put that caveat in...) to go on Saturday. It will be the last week my husband and I get to spend together before he goes to Germany, the last time i get to spend more that 1.5 days with him in a row until Christmas, and the last chance for a holiday this year. (And consideration of a a lot of money that would be lost if we can't go ...) So to me a lot is at stake. I know. Selfish, and I feel guilty for thinking it.

Your life with your husband is worth as much as hers Herbi, you can't feel guilty for expecting perfectly reasonable plans to come to fruition. It's really not doing things for her good, doing things for you and him bad. You have arranged everything as well as possible and that's all you can do.What's the realistic alternative - going up there, kissing your career and your marriage goodbye so you can escort her to the lavatory for a few months until she does get into residential care? Obviously not possible, don't tear yourself to bits because you can't do the impossible, you are hardly alone in that

Herbi I absolutely agree with Sue. Just make sure the carers, social services and your mother know that you will be out of mobile range while you're away. Put your phone on silent, turn the vibrate function off and just check for messages once a day (when you're within range for your network ) It's what I used to do when we went away on holiday. They will all cope when they know they have to ... even Social Services will cope when they know you're not available ...believe me, I worked for them

And enjoy your time with your husband ... it's precious.

AND NO WAY IS IT SELFISH ................. NO WAY AT ALL ............... IT'S JUST THAT SOME PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO PRESS THE GUILT BUTTON THEY INSTALLED IN US EARLIER. IGNORE IT. IT WILL GO AWAY ............ EVENTUALLY.

And remember, that sort of guilt is nothing to do with love or compassion.

suffolk wrote:Herbi I absolutely agree with Sue. Just make sure the carers, social services and your mother know that you will be out of mobile range while you're away. Put your phone on silent, turn the vibrate function off and just check for messages once a day (when you're within range for your network ) It's what I used to do when we went away on holiday. They will all cope when they know they have to ... even Social Services will cope when they know you're not available ...believe me, I worked for them

And enjoy your time with your husband ... it's precious.

AND NO WAY IS IT SELFISH ................. NO WAY AT ALL ............... IT'S JUST THAT SOME PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO PRESS THE GUILT BUTTON THEY INSTALLED IN US EARLIER. IGNORE IT. IT WILL GO AWAY ............ EVENTUALLY.

And remember, that sort of guilt is nothing to do with love or compassion.

Listen to Suffs- she talks sense. And here's a big hug, because you need it.

The not being able to get to the loo when they want to is a big thing. My mum couldn't walk and had carers coming in 4 times a day - but inevitably she'd need the commode in between the visits. She be on the phone to me (200 miles away) crying that she needed the loo and that it wasn't fair that she had to wait. Because she hated wetting her pads she'd limit the amount of fluid she'd drink which then caused her to get UTIs I used to feel so guilty - but I couldn't do anything. Don't feel guilty Herbie - there's nothing to be gained. Your time with your OH is so important

Meganthemog wrote:The not being able to get to the loo when they want to is a big thing. My mum couldn't walk and had carers coming in 4 times a day - but inevitably she'd need the commode in between the visits. She be on the phone to me (200 miles away) crying that she needed the loo and that it wasn't fair that she had to wait. Because she hated wetting her pads she'd limit the amount of fluid she'd drink which then caused her to get UTIs I used to feel so guilty - but I couldn't do anything. Don't feel guilty Herbie - there's nothing to be gained. Your time with your OH is so important

Just read back Herb, You and your Husband and a holiday together is what you really need. Follow to the letter the advice from Suff. she speaks a wealth of experience. The infrastructure is there to support your mother. I treasure the time I have with Mr. Z. Go and have a good break, quality time with Mr. H. Try and focus on each other......

Sorry for your problems with your Mum Herbie, I'm a bit frightened that I'll be in the same position as your mum. So we have put plans in action to ensure that we'll never bein the position to have to call our child to run from afar to wipe our bottoms or any such things. .

I honestly think it is up to us oldies to make such arrangements well before we need them. I was lucky enought to be around when my parents really needed me but I couldnt possibly expect my widely dispersed family to do the same because we chose to live where we do.

Trouble is you never quite relax do you? Both sets of parents are gone now but I still feel jumpy and anxious whenever we're away. Had too many pre/during holiday dramas over the years (including the time my father had a heart attack the morning we were due to set off for a fortnight's holiday and the time my MIL had a meltdown in her residential home whilst we were away). Hope things go well for this trip Herbi.

Knowing that the last time this happened - when I was about to go to France - was ok in the end is of some comfort, although she was in hospital and thus safer then. She keeps saying she thinks she ought to go into hospital but, as I said to her, I really don't think they will hospitalize her for being immobile when she has carers going in several times a day. I did pointedly (but gently, I hope) say that she seems to need 24 hour care but she can't have this in the home, and asked her what she thought the solution might be... She said she'd think about it. I think it's going to be a back and forth of: crisis - maybe she should go in a nursing home; alleviation of crisis - denial, for some time to come now. Maybe sheltered housing is an option. But I suspect not.

I had another call at 5am this morning from the personal alarm people. I have not chased it up. Yet. I have asked them just to call my mobile from now on though. There is nothing I can do in response to a call in the middle of the night, except lose sleep and worry.

I know what you mean. I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. Every holiday for the past nine years has been accompanied with some sort of health scare regarding my mum. A different form of cancer has returned, it is slow growing, she asked me to feel her back last week, there was a definite lump- she promised to go to docs. She now says it has gone. I don't know if it has or she just doesn't want me to worry whilst we are away.

Either way, I'm still anxious. I do wish I could train myself to worry less!

Me too Busybee. My manager is very critical if I get worried about my mother, or indeed anything. My unspoken defense is that I would be a bit of a monster if I didn't! But perhaps that's not the right mindset, even if it is in self defense.

Herbi . You have made the proper arrangements and your marriage is equally important. Hopefully your being away might trigger steps towards a home. My mother didn't think she'd want to be in a home but she found she loved being cared for in a safe place and discovered the delights of daytime TV and people-watching which were new and exciting to her . I hope that something similar works out for you but meanwhile enjoy your break without anyone trying to make you feel guilty - there's nothing to be guilty about, you have made the proper arrangements and you and your husband need to cherish one another.

Edited to ask Rats, without giving personal info away, what steps can be put in place to prevent the difficulties which arise as one gets older? It seems to me that there is always a grey point between being ok and needing full time care which families get bogged down in. It is easier if the older person has accepted at a younger age that this might happen and discussed it of course but otherwise, apart from drawing up legal documents expressing your wishes, how can one arrange ahead for that grey point to go smoothly? It seems to me it usually starts with an unexpected stay in hospital and goes downhill from there but with quite a bit of heartache on the way. I imagine that moving to a retirement 'village' which offers full time care later, at an age where one is still active might be one way.

We've both set aside money to ensure that we will either have care in the home, residntial if necessary,or for a placement in a care home of our choice. Our children know about this and they are happy , It means they won't get very much but they'll hopefully get the house. If they don't then tough.

Money doesn't necessarily remove the stress for children of choosing when and how to spend it unfortunately as I know from my own experience, my parents hung on 'just a bit longer' until they were sadly no longer steering the ship (a bit like trying to get a 10 year old to bed) but the more you can collaborate with your children or next of kin the better. We all think 'but I won't be like that' but until it actually happens there is no way of knowing how you will react to something such as a minor stroke.YesHaving no children I need a living will, a funeral plan, and a POA, not quite sure how to set up the last of these (as in who).

You can ask your solicitor to be your POA. I know a lot of solicitors now have a specialist in this field, certainly ours told us all about it when we did our POA's. Worth checking on line to see who does it in your area Sue.

We will be re-jigging our wills and making some enquiries of solicitors in the near future..... We need to be in receipt of information before we approach our nephew with the main question ? He may say NO then we need to re think but the nieces will be given a pound... that way there can be no contesting of wills.

Yes, I'm you can ask a solicitor, but. I w have been looking for a local firm of solicitors to basically be my regular solicitor, and we have several kinds kinds1. Criminal practice2. Employment and accident3. Production line conveyancing, probate and will writing4. "Personal affairs" not interested in anyone with an estate less than £2 million

She's been admitted into hospital... I am not sure why exactly. I can't get any details. Still the old but true cliche... She'll be safe in there, although it won't be easy getting to talk to her. She won't have the mobile phone I bought her. I need to ring back in 10 minutes to see if I get more information.

I have had what I think is a migraine all day. Had to come home early from work. I wish stress didn't get to me this way. Have a nasty feeling that work might be a mare tomorrow too. I have been waiting all week for plotters to come in... ah well.

I didn't see your earlier post, Rats. That is very considerate of you re having a plan. My mother in law moved into a bungalow about five years ago to make things easier and she always says she is prepared to go into a home. We thought it a bit cold blooded at the time, but now I am beginning to see the other side of it. I suppose she will have less attachment to her current home which will make a transition easier and she's very sociable (and not an intellectual snob like my mother is) - a big problem for my mother as she's lived in hers since '71 and has all those memories of my father etc. My mother has never had enough money to put anything aside. She didn't really work and my father had to retire sick at the age of 52.

Goodness knows what we will do. Also no children. One 4 year old nephew. (And his parents, although his father I fear may not outlive us due to incurable and progressive illness.) I am still in my forties (for another 6 weeks or so, at least ) so not seriously thinking about this stuff yet.

My mother is 90 and a half.She moved into her house when she got married in 1950, Dad passed away in 1991 but she is still in that house.

It's a regular 1930s 3-bed semi.I have no idea how 5 of us fitted in there as every cupboard and wardrobe is full.

She's not in excellent health - leg ulcers, failing eyesight, osteoporosis - but she won't move.She talked about downsizing about 15 years ago, expecting me to fight her on it but I didn't.I told her it was a reasonable suggestion and if that's what she wants to do then she should do it.So she didn't do it

Zosherooney wrote:He may say NO then we need to re think but the nieces will be given a pound... that way there can be no contesting of wills.

I don't think that's a "given" these days Zosh. My mum has recently had hers rejigged and the solicitor said that all wills can be contested.

Is that a recent ruling ? I only ask because my ex sister in law's mother changed her will to exclude her daughter and left everything to her grandchildren.. after having giving the eldest one POA .. The ex SiL contested and lost ... so the only child of the deceased got nothing, while her own children copped the lot !

You have always been able to contest any will in which you have a legitimate interest, the basis of some good thrillers! If you Google the no win go fee practices are into contesting wills. We broke a trust in my Dad's will, which was simple and inexpensive, the grounds being that it had been framed for the tax rules at the time it was written and no longer made sense

I think it's quite common to only give middle aged children who have a house and a pension fund some souvenirs and a nice gift (perhaps enough for a holiday) leaving the bulk to grandchildren with a student loan and no deposit for their first home. But cutting such middle aged child out completely is a bit unusual (and mean spirited) I think.

Thank you Rats, I understand now. Things definitely run more smoothly if you have talked about it, made provision and faced up to the fact you may be in that horrid 'grey area' situation one day. The difficulty is that no-one ever knows if or when it might happen!

Being deemed medically unfit to look after herself may be a blessing Herbi.

The system should swing into action and find her a home, but these things take time........at least she /you do t have to make a decision re next steps, the path might be clearer for you all. Now go on holiday knowing that she is in safe hands.

Busybee is right ... being told by the hospital that she is unable to care for herself may be easier for her to accept than having to say it herself or accepting you saying it to her. Ma took what professions said as gospel, whereas my opinion had no weight at all, because how could I possibly know anything ... I was her child Perhaps this is the beginning of her accepting that she needs to move into residential care ... just so that there's someone about and she has company

I spoke to a friend of my father's who's been keeping an eye on her since my father died (her friend now, I guess) and he'd been to see her yesterday. His wife, an ex-nurse, thought she was taking too many painkillers and she'd not understood that new ones prescribed were instead of, not on top of, the codeine. I've been a bit worried about her medication taking... She seemed a bit vague about it when I was there and go cross with me when I questioned her. She does come over as very with it, but I think she is as not as with it as she seems, but would never admit this, so she may be fooling professionals on this front.

I need to sort this out... now it's this sort of thing that makes living far away difficult.

When she was in the nursing home before she wouldn't leave her room much and didn't talk to anyone apart from a centagenarian who had 'all her marbles'. This intellectual snobbery is perhaps her biggest flaw. It makes her sound not very nice, but she is at heart a good person. But this is one unpleasant side of her, and like other unpleasant things, seems to have been exaggerated as she's got much older (as traits seem to do in the elderly.) And it does her no good at all. Some company is good never enough. It has to be someone who she can 'talk to'... about art and music and the like. Sigh.

Anyway. Homeward bound soon then need to finish packing, and ring again for more info.

Herbi - like others have said, this may be a blessing in disguise. It seems to me that on many counts it is going to highlight to the powers that be that a home might be a good thing. My mother went into a very nice home when she couldn't walk any more, she didn't join in with things much as she too was a bit fussy about who she mixed with. She was wheeled to the dining room for meals and had TV and could see out of the window which was enough for her with the staff coming and going as well. Your mother may not want to mix but she's not really mixing at the moment either so she may as well go somewhere where there is activity around her - and care.

Have a lovely holiday Herbi, and let the NHS take the strain while you are away, just take care in the heat.

Incidentally they all get confused about medication, even my parents, both pharmacists and teachers of pharmacists. If able calendar packs (nomads) are good but of course only for long term medication.

Herb, You can go away on holiday and know she is being well cared for, I am sure you will ensure that she is not released until a care programme is put in place for her at either her home or going into a care area.

Sue, I am not sure if the 'mean spirited' comment was aimed at me but my nieces have proved to be very troublesome since teenagers and have never showed adult constructive behaviour throughout the whole of the land deal right into their forties. They have been very obstructive over many years. They are more than happy to have their hands out when the magic word 'money' is mentioned. Their brother on the other hand is a perfect gentleman and constructive in all areas. As long as he is in agreement, will get a substantial amount on our demise. We are aware that he might consider this will split relationships (not that he holds them in any great esteem) but we will see what he says when we have time to address this area. Money is the root of all evil

Zosherooney wrote:Sue, I am not sure if the 'mean spirited' comment was aimed at me

Zosh, I think Sue was referring to the mother of my ex SiL who was cut out of her will, leaving it all to her grand children ... It actually left her in quite dire straits financially - the pity was she was relying on inheriting her mother's estate.