Before you get all huffy and emasculated (“Why is a girl giving advice on a men’s Web site? On how to be a man?! WAH! WAH!”), let me give you a behind-the-scenes look on how this list was concocted: eleven guys, three girls, ranging in age from twenty-two to fifty-one, all consuming cold beverages on a Sunday afternoon. Each point was discussed, dissected, nodded at proudly, and amended with stories—including one of a man-boy shitting the couch. But that tale is for another article. So go ahead, call me sexist for being a kind, blonde soul and doling out some advice. Or just jerk off to a picture of the chicks’ shiny tits in the sidebar, release some pent-up rage, and hear me out. The most popular points of what to know before you’ve reached the big 3-0.

Let’s start with a sad fact: That metabolism is going to catch up with you. We know twelve dollars worth of Taco Bell and Angus Burgers are am-azing. You have to kind of start caring about what you eat and not depending on fast food for every meal. Next point: Wining and dining is not a myth. Getting that special friend revved up for play starts with some good eats. Sure, you can drain your wallet at the nearest Olive Garden and toss her some free, stale breadsticks while whipping out your cock. Or, you can put together that meal you’ve perfected and look like a total, oh-so-manly pro. Cooking can be fun (not like, “Wee!” fun, but like, “Wow, I made this and it actually tastes decent” fun). Props to the men who can make the best breakfast.

Don’t feel obligated to don a suit, tie, and freshly shaved face. Just ditch the khaki cargo shorts (they’re flesh-colored, need we say anymore?), tell your collar to settle the f-ck down, and banish the shiny, neon, chest-hair-showing, label-screaming, rhinestone-y-shit. You’re getting old. No one wants to see that. Dressing like a sexy D.I.L.F. will take some practice knowing what you’re comfortable in and probably the hand of a good woman who knows what WWD stands for.

Do you have to deem someone else responsible while attempting to parallel park? Does your forehead become damp at the prospect of backing into tight spot? (Everything about that sentence made me squirm—in a good way.) My last car was covered in duct tape for a reason. But the men we chatted with swear that a dude who becomes flustered by a three-point turn deserves a shameful sigh. Practice your skills in a nearby church parking lot like I let my 13-year-old sister do when I was baked in high school (probably why she’s a much better driver than me). Or just do what I did and move to a public transportation-infested city so no one has to become a victim of your awful depth perception.

Kick off this key stepping stone to manlihood by memorizing a staple cocktail — Manhattan, anyone? Sure, Ice Houses were never really rad to begin with, but they become even more socially unacceptable in general as everyone around you gains, um, success. Manhattan (or dry martini) mastered? Well, look at you, you elegant dick. Try tackling the challenge of learning to hold your liquor next. Puking your innards out is only permissible at bachelor parties, behind closed doors, and when you become a famous alcoholic novelist. Proceed by knowing how to open a bottle of wine, and not cringing when popping a bottle of champagne.

There comes a time in every man’s life where getting his finger bitten off in a bar after starting a brawl is not tough. Nor is having your girl bust you out of jail (even though back in the day that was so punk rock). Be that guy everyone loves: “No, no, no, let’s calm it down everyone,” he says, glowing, as two backwards-cap wearing “Ivy League” dogs bark at one another outside of the pub. Women swoon at the sidelines, on looking guys kick the dust on the ground, wishing they could be as stoic as you.

This category includes the following: A) Realizing the appropriate cut-off time for a booty-call, B) Texting to turn on (and thus, not repulse), and C) Learning to seduce via Skype sex. It’s the age of new media. Get with the times, kid. Some dudes disagreed with me on the video chat sex bit, but let me just say this: Get a girlfriend, travel for business, enjoy coaxing said woman into unleashing her inner Internet porn persona. We all have them in there somewhere. And hey, it’s free.

One overriding consensus under this point: Texting dick pics = Meh. You’d be better snapping a shot of your hair looking especially cute, because I’m really wanting to pull it right about now.

We’ve met women who have actually fallen in love with guys who have nonchalantly changed a tire in an end-of-vacation crisis. Hooray for independence and having the know-how to solve a problem! Feel as comfortable changing a newborn’s soiled, gag-inducing diaper as you do that tire? We’ll be sure to drink to your high level or modern manliness. If you want the future mother of your children to take care of all that shit for you while you run around and mow the lawn and scratch your balls, consider becoming one of those sex tourists in Thailand. But first you should make some cash money. We hear you’ll have a lot of competition with other damaged-ego white dudes. We also hear their food is cheap, spicy, and delicious! Mmm!

Okay, okay totally biased. (I’m actually transparently biased on everything, but you guys still want to read my shit and virtually befriend me, so whatever.) You know I already care about spreading the good word on getting a girl off. Great, fulfilling sex is just the launching pad for a click-your-heels-at-the-end-of-the-day sort of life. And it all begins down there. And maybe this point is a metaphor for mastering the art of being more considerate of others. Morality and great oral? Anyone?

I want more like this!

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Join The Discussion

you're right..men should master all of these before turn 30..especially no 7: Not dressing like a douche lol

11.08.10 at 12:36 pm

Shocho

Men should master English too, like how to spell "defusing."

11.08.10 at 3:12 pm

Mel B

Shocho…how do you think you are supposed to spell defusing? Are we missing something here? Lord! Anyhow, I've got one to add to the list – knowing how to talk to parents. This is a must for the man-child to graduate to fully functioning adult male. Get on it fellas. And yeah, drop the fucking Christian Audgier / Ed Hardy shit already!

11.08.10 at 3:26 pm

Absolutelytrue

Truth.

And also @Shocho, how do you spell defusing?

11.08.10 at 3:35 pm

@catalintabirca

Defuse is simply the word fuse plus the prefix de-. It literally means "to remove a fuse," just like declaw means "to remove the claws." It is often used figuratively in the sense of resolving a conflict or easing a difficult situation. It may be used in politics or diplomacy in this figurative way, so you do come across it in the news from time to time.Defuse is simply the word fuse plus the prefix de-. It literally means "to remove a fuse," just like declaw means "to remove the claws." It is often used figuratively in the sense of resolving a conflict or easing a difficult situation. It may be used in politics or diplomacy in this figurative way, so you do come across it in the news from time to time.

Diffuse as the adjective means either "wordy" or "spread out." As a verb it means "to pour or spread out." If a diplomat is "diffusing a difficult situation," he is stirring it up or spreading it out. That is rarely what diplomats are instructed to do. It would not be very diplomatic!

11.08.10 at 3:59 pm

Atlas

I think it is pretty clear that you're the kind of douche who probably couldn't land a girl with any intellect anyway so you settle for whatever girls you can get plastered at the local bar and drag home, only to have desert you in the regretful morning sobriety.

Oh yeah, and +2 points on not only replying with something profoundly stupid, but failing to spell and communicate properly as well. Kudos for making yourself look doubly retarded. You win at failing.

11.08.10 at 4:19 pm

Matt

Love how this has turned into a conversation about the word "defuse."

de·fuse
/diˈfyuz/ Show Spelled [dee-fyooz] Show IPA verb, -fused, -fus·ing.
–verb (used with object)
1.
to remove the fuze from (a bomb, mine, etc.).
2.
to make less dangerous, tense, or embarrassing: to defuse a potentially ugly situation.

11.08.10 at 4:25 pm

Atlas

…

For the sake of clarity, apparently the comment I was responding to has been deleted.

11.08.10 at 4:31 pm

Isaac

Apologies Atlas, but that dude is a troll.

11.08.10 at 4:56 pm

dick

that is so stupid

11.08.10 at 9:17 pm

SinCityTrifecta

Great list! I am going to return my Ed Hardy clothes so I can master #7

11.08.10 at 11:10 pm

SnoopDougieDoug

So young'uns, I nailed the test. Not by being better, but by years of concerted effort. Let's start at the bottom (allusion intentional):

#1 with a bullet. I admit I wasn't the greatest fan of the art of cun*gus (I forget the spelling). But after years of practice, working with <number deleted by homeland security> women, I learned the tao of 'tang. Here is the secret to relationship happiness–you do whatever it takes to make the other person happy.

#2. Changing a tire. Cripes, ask the old man or read your friggin' manual. Then practice two or three times. There are only a few "secrets", but ignoring them will eventually lead to issues, aka, your gruesome death. Ha, got you there! Seriously, as long as you set the brake, use a decent jack (I have a two-ton floor jack in my garage) and chock the wheels (I once had a vehicle slowly slip forward while my dumb ass was under the car. Fortunately it onln rolled about 4 inches. Another four and mama woulda been a widow). As for a diaper, just dab a glob of Vicks VapoRub under your nose, wipe everything off with handi-wipes, and pay attention to the old one you took off.

#3 One word. Subtle. I know it is hard to believe, but most women don't want to be clubbed over the head.

#4 The best technique for defusing a POed person is to carefully repeat their concern, ala: "I hear you". I once talked down the biggest dude at the gym when he got irate his girlfriend (who worked the counter) was hit on by another patron. I told him that if he trusted her, he had nothing to worry about. If not, it mattered not.

#5 Booze. Find a reliable potage. Tell the bartender that "I normally order a Bombay martini with an olive, any suggested variations?" This shows you not only have taste, but a sense of adventure and a willingness to expand your horizons. BTW, the best martini I've ever had was in a resort bar in Mexico.

#6 Parallel parking. Practice. Nuff said.

#7 Pretend you are going to a costume party as a Wall Street banker. I've never been sorry to show up overdressed. A 100X better than showing up to a cocktail party in Tommy Bahama garb when everyone else is in formal garb.

#8 Cook what you remember. Surely mom made one memorable meal. Or grandma. Even simple grub like fried chicken is fantastic if you spice it correctly. Never try a new dish on the unsuspecting. Chefs never tell you, but they work on a dish for endless iterations until they have it down cold. Time, temperature, spices, ambiance.

You'll notice the key to any of these–practice, practice, practice. It's a myth that you get it right the first time.

doug in Seattle

03.04.11 at 5:16 am

gdcoey

BEHOLD!!! The perfect man……………..don't all rush at once ladies.

11.09.10 at 2:08 am

lucas

wtf?

you guys are a bunch of pricks.

I feel sorry for any girl who happens to unfortunately walk your way.

even the author's writing is trashy and distasteful…

11.09.10 at 7:28 am

nouniversoparalelo

#9 – don't get married

11.09.10 at 2:04 pm

Adam H

These tips would all be a lot more easy to swallow if the vast majority of women in the world didn't fall for the same assholes that don't follow these tips. You want men to do some of most of these things? Stop sleeping with/putting up with the ones that don't.

I want to punch this bitch in the face for being so obnoxious. I pray to the great Spaghetti Monster she never gets oral sex ever, or any other kind of sex for that matter.

11.10.10 at 12:07 am

confused

why is a chick writing for ask men

11.10.10 at 12:08 am

confused

or even guyisms bc she doesnt know shit about what a guy needs to master

11.10.10 at 2:27 am

mike

Learn how to change oil. Seriously. There are guys who think it's 'too hard'. If you can freakin' READ, you can do it. And you'll know if it was done right. The last time I did oil the 'woman's way' (You'll probably get that stupid email, eventually, if you haven't already), I discovered that the 'expert' had stripped most of the oil drain bolt threads except for just enough to hold the bolt in at the head. Never again, while I can still turn a wrench, will anyone change my oil. Never!

11.10.10 at 4:22 am

samuel

i want to know how malaria can be eradicate

11.10.10 at 9:43 am

muddford

these are pretty much universal. they apply as much to women as men. especially 1,2,5, and 6.

11.10.10 at 11:49 am

Matt

Man, some of you guys are fucking psycho – and no, not in a good way…if you don't understand why a woman should be telling you a few things you might want to master before your 30 well then, lord help you. And if you are writing things like "I want to slap this bitch in the face…" well then, good luck getting laid by anyone other than that 20 dollar hooker down the street…

11.10.10 at 12:36 pm

jasonJay

words of un-wisdom. how bout this honey: don't preach your bullshit theories on a men's website about what WE gotta do to earn YOUR precious approval. get a life or a clue or both…or ya just send your boyfriend out to defend you SMFH

11.10.10 at 10:15 pm

fabian

you srsly telling me to go down on you as a requirement? how about it being something i do cuz i'm into u ? guess u never had that! or if u did maybe he's doin it wrong, or maybe he's wit another chick so he's not so into u. this was the worst article eva.