I have three kids. They don’t fucking listen. One day, God as my witness, they will listen. They will stop, turn around, not talk for five seconds, and say to me, “Wow, I never thought of it that way before. Thanks, Dad!” I swear it will happen. I will destroy entire countries if I have to make it so. But until then,… »7/16/15 2:50pm 7/16/15 2:50pm

Hey, Father’s Day is on Sunday! Wait, you are saying, suddenly even more sweaty, confused, and anachronistic than usual—aren’t we in April? Aren’t we in April of 2013? No, we are not in April of 2013. We are in June of ... [fumbles with phone for five embarrassing minutes] oh, wow, 2015! that’s bananas! ... and… »6/19/15 11:18am 6/19/15 11:18am

The Simpsons has been a lousy, vaguely depressing hood ornament for FOX for far longer, by now, than it ever was a good TV show, but when it was a good TV show, it was among the greatest television comedies ever made. Harry Shearer, the brilliant comedic and voice actor who announced his departure from the show… »5/14/15 1:37pm 5/14/15 1:37pm

Many people like to rank things. Many people think that the correct way to present a ranked list is to organize the items on it from worst-to-best, and are wrong. Here is a helpful list of reasons why ranking things best-to-worst is better. »5/12/15 3:22pm 5/12/15 3:22pm

Cat puns are the highest form of humor. Now that Hallmark Channel has unveiled the roster for this year's Kitten Bowl, it's time to subjectively and correctly rank the competitors' names. »1/16/15 11:34am 1/16/15 11:34am

When you are a Sad Dad, one of the things you spend the most time pining for—after, like, an actual grown-up date with your spouse, a window of more than five minutes in which to take a shower, and relief from the constant background awareness of your own bottomless inadequacy—is some damn peace and quiet. "Can we… »11/17/14 3:59pm 11/17/14 3:59pm

Many internet web sites like to rank the fruits. You can see right away that these rankings are wrong and bad, both because their results are stupid, and for the reason those results are stupid, which is that they were assembled using a lousy-ass amateurish methodology. Amateur bush-league-ass fruit-rankers are… »8/14/14 2:15pm 8/14/14 2:15pm