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THE
WADSWORTH
GAS
ATTACK
a
n
d
RIO
GRANDE
RATTLER
7
THE
IDEAS
OF
ETHELBURT
JELLYBACK,
PRIVATE
¥
1
1
.
On
How,
Acting
on
Impulse,
He
Almost
Got
Into
the
Officers’
Training
School.
To
the
E
d
ito
r
:
It
has
ever
been
a
fault
of
mine-—and
I
m
ake
bold
to
confess
it—to
act
on
im
pulse.
Yes,
I
often
hurl
m
y
self
into
rash
deeds,
I,
E
thelburt
Jellyback,
a
scion
of
one
of
our
m
o
st
prom
inent
fam
ilies.
T
h
a
t
was
how
I
m
e
t
with
a
rude
rebuff
at
the
hands
of
a
high
officer
ju
s
t
the
other
day.
It
began
w
ith
the
excitem
e
n
t
in
our
ten
t
over
the
beginning
of
the
officers9
training
school.
I
told
my
tentm
a
tes
th
a
t
I
couldn't
understand
why
the
captain
had
failed
to
recom
m
end
me
for
appointm
ent.
It
was
absurd,
I
declared—as
absurd
as
sa­
luting,
though
some
officers
seem
to
have
a
fondness
for
this
custom.
Of
course,
I
m
y
­
self
m
ight
have
come
to
enjoy
saluting
if
I
had
succeeded
in
entering
the
officers’
training
school.
“My
training
at
home,
in
the
m
o
st
intel­
lectual
circles
of
Fifth
Avenue,
ought
to
fit
me
for
an
officer,\
I
said.
“Yes,\
put
in
Jim
M
ugrums,
the
pudgy
little
first-class
private
who
sleeps
next
to
me.
“It’s
easy
to
get
a
comm
ission
in
the
arm
y
of
the
unemployed.\
You
Can’t
Fool
Ethelburt.
I
knew
th
a
t
M
ugrums
spoke
w
ithout
suffi­
cient
respect
for
my
position
in
society.
I
knew
he
did.
It
isn’t
easy
to
deceive
me
in
these
things.
I
know,
for
instance,
th
a
t
yesterday’s
stew,
despite
its
tom
a
to
cam
o
u­
flage,
is
the
sam
e
stew
to-day.
Flanagan,
my
corporal,
w
e
n
t
out
laughing.
It
rankled
in
my
soul,
for
Flanagan
was
going
over
to
be
exam
ined
for
the
officers’
training
school.
And
he
doesn’t
possess
one
iota
of
the
culture
th
a
t
is
mine.
I
fell
into
reflection.
I
brooded.
A
sudden
im
p
u
lse
seized
me.
(I
told
you
it
has
ever
been
a
fault
of
mine
to
act
on
im
p
ulse.)
“W
h
a
t/’
I
asked
m
y
self
excitedly,
“w
h
at
is
to
prevent
me
going
to
the
exam
ination
of
my
own
accord?\
E
thelburt
Bushes
Into
Action.
I
seized
my
hat,
adjusted
my
tortoise-shell
spectacles,
and
rushed
out
of
the
tent.
In
my
h
a
s
te
I
forgot
to
wax
my
m
o
u
stache.
O
u
tside
the
appointed
building
I
found
the
line
of
m
en
w
aiting
to
enter
to
be
ex­
am
ined
for
the
school.
I
fell
in
a
t
th
e
end
of
the
line.
I
don’t
m
ean
by
this
th
a
t
I
caught
my
toe
on
some
obtruding
object
and
actually
“fell
in.\
No,
I
m
a
intained
perfect
poise.
I
sim
ply
took
up
a
position
at
the
end
of
the
line.
I
was
still
outside
the
door
two
hours
later,
shivering
from
the
cold.
If
enough
had
not
already
been
said
in
a
satirical
vein
of
the
sunny
South
I
would
record
my
opinion
here.
Suffice
it
to
say
th
a
t
I
have
renam
e
d
it
the
Funny
South.
E
thelburt
Is
Examined.
At
length
my
tu
r
n
came
to
enter
the
long
room
and
approach
the
officers
standing
there
in
a
knot.
To
me
it
looked
like
a
hard
knot,
stern
and
forbidding.
But
did
I
shrink?
No!
I
rem
e
m
b
ered
th
a
t
the
cap­
tain
had
w
arned
F
lan
a
g
a
n
:
“For
H
e
a
v
e
n
’s
sake,
Mike,
when
you
get
up
in
front
of
those
officers,
m
ake
an
im
p
ression.
Do
som
e
thing
to
get
their
attention.\
I
w
alked
forw
a
rd
and,
six
paces
from
them
,
I
stopped,
clicked
my
heels
together,
and
saluted—oh,
so
sm
a
rtly!
I
could
tell
by
the
expression
th
a
t
suddenly
cam
e
over
the
colonel’s
face
th
a
t
I
had
already
begun
to
m
a
k
e
an
im
p
ression.
“W
h
a
t
is
your
nam
e
?
\
he
snapped
out,
glaring
at
me.
“E
thelburt
Jellyback,
Private.\
I
never
winced.
“W
h
e
re
did
you
ever
go
to
school?\
“I
w
e
n
t
to
Broton,
sir,
until
I
found
life
there
too
rough.
Then
I
studied
w
ith
p
ri­
vate
tutors.
A
fter
that,
H
a
rvard.\
“W
h
a
t
did
you
do
before
entering
the
serv­
ice?\
H
is
Previous
Training.
“W
ell,
sir,
I
did
a
great
m
any
things.
I
spent
a
year
in
travel.
I
surrounded
m
y
self
w
ith
the
best
books,
the
best
chappies
and
friends
a
fellow
could
hope
to
have,
I
m
a
n
­
aged
m
any
a
cotillion
and
social
event
for
Mrs.
H
atton-H
iggins,
I
drove
my
own
ear—
w
h
en
the
w
e
a
ther
w
a
sn’t
too
severe,
you
know—and—\
“H
ave
you
had
any
previous
m
ilitary
ex­
perience?\
“Yes,
sir.\
I
spoke
up
prom
p
tly,
a
snappi­
ness
of
tone
would
help
to
m
ake
an
im
p
res­
sion
I
knew.
“Yes,
sir,
I
once
visited
the
Campfire
Girls
at
their
spring
m
aneuvers.\
The
colonel
turned
to
another
officer,
who
was
sitting
at
a
desk
keeping
records
of
the
candidates.
T
h
e
y
conversed
secretly.
T
h
e
ir
conversation
continued.
I
began
to
wonder
when
the
colonel
would
ever
tu
r
n
around
and
tell
me
I
had
been
accepted.
T
h
e
n
I
began
to
fear
he
had
intended
to
tell
me
but
had
forgotten
about
it.
I
m
u
s
t
do
som
e
thing
to
get
his
attention,
I
told
m
y
­
self.
So,
in
a
sharp,
com
m
anding
voice,
such
as
I
m
ight
use
w
h
e
n
com
m
anding
troops
of
my
own,
I
cried
:
“As
you
w
e
re!\
He
Gets
the
Colonel’s
Attention.
It
had
the
desired
effect.
The
Colonel
swung
about
as
if
on
a
pivot.
He
m
u
s
t
have
been
im
p
ressed
for
his
face
grew
red
and
his
hand
was
shaking.
In
it
he
held
a
paper
containing
the
list
of
nam
es.
“W
h
a
t—\
he
thundered
at
me
in
a
louder
voice
than
necessary—“w
h
a
t
in
the
devil
brought
you
here!\
“I
came
on
the
im
p
u
lse
of
the
moment,
sir.
I
thought
there
would
be
an
opening.\
“Yes,
there
is.\
The
Colonel
turned
to
the
door.
“Please
close
it
after
you
go
out.\
I
felt
like
m
a
k
ing
him
a
long
speech,
in
w
h
ich
I
should
say
th
a
t
apparently
the
only
officers
they
w
a
n
ted
w
ere
fellows
who
spoke
like
roaring
cannons.
B
u
t
I
restrained
m
y
­
self.
I
w
e
n
t
aw
ay
w
ith
a
,great
am
o
u
n
t
of
hauteur
and
a
confidence
th
a
t
I
would
hit
upon
other
ideas
soon.
W
h
en
I
get
them
,
Mr.
Editor,
you
shall
know
of
them
.
But
you
m
u
s
tn’t
dism
iss
them
w
ith
such
scant
consideration
as
you
displayed
in
your
last
note
to
me.
I
w
rote
you
about
some
ideas,
and
added:
“I
have
other
irons
in
the
fire.\
You
rep
lied
:
“Re­
move
irons.
Insert
ideas.\
—ETH
E
L
B
U
R
T
JELLYBACK
Private.
(C.
D.)
A
BUILDING
BOOM.
This
is
getting
to
be
quite
a
thriving
little
town—this
here
Camp
W
adsw
o
rth.
The
102d
E
n
g
ineers
allow
as
how
they
are
going
to
build
a
church,
and
the
107th
comes
rig
h
t
back
w
ith
the
announcem
e
n
t
th
a
t
it
is
going
to
build
a
combined
church
and
club­
house
for
use
by
the
whole
regim
ent.
P
a
r
t
of
the
building
will
be
used
for
an
officers’
club.
NUT
NUMBER
NEXT
WEEK.
The
next
num
b
e
r
of
the
Gas
A
ttack
will
be
the
N
u
t
Number.
It
will
appear
on
January
26th.
It
will
be
som
ething
to
m
a
r­
vel
at.
som
e
thing
to
laugh
over,
som
ething
to
crack
your
brain
on,
and
som
ething
to
send
home
to
the
folks.

Newspaper Page Text

THE WADSWORTH GAS ATTACK a n d RIO GRANDE RATTLER 7 THE IDEAS OF ETHELBURT JELLYBACK, PRIVATE ¥ 1 1 . On How, Acting on Impulse, He Almost Got Into the Officers’ Training School. To the E d ito r : It has ever been a fault of mine-—and I m ake bold to confess it—to act on im pulse. Yes, I often hurl m y self into rash deeds, I, E thelburt Jellyback, a scion of one of our m o st prom inent fam ilies. T h a t was how I m e t with a rude rebuff at the hands of a high officer ju s t the other day. It began w ith the excitem e n t in our ten t over the beginning of the officers9 training school. I told my tentm a tes th a t I couldn't understand why the captain had failed to recom m end me for appointm ent. It was absurd, I declared—as absurd as sa­ luting, though some officers seem to have a fondness for this custom. Of course, I m y ­ self m ight have come to enjoy saluting if I had succeeded in entering the officers’ training school. “My training at home, in the m o st intel­ lectual circles of Fifth Avenue, ought to fit me for an officer,\ I said. “Yes,\ put in Jim M ugrums, the pudgy little first-class private who sleeps next to me. “It’s easy to get a comm ission in the arm y of the unemployed.\ You Can’t Fool Ethelburt. I knew th a t M ugrums spoke w ithout suffi­ cient respect for my position in society. I knew he did. It isn’t easy to deceive me in these things. I know, for instance, th a t yesterday’s stew, despite its tom a to cam o u­ flage, is the sam e stew to-day. Flanagan, my corporal, w e n t out laughing. It rankled in my soul, for Flanagan was going over to be exam ined for the officers’ training school. And he doesn’t possess one iota of the culture th a t is mine. I fell into reflection. I brooded. A sudden im p u lse seized me. (I told you it has ever been a fault of mine to act on im p ulse.) “W h a t/’ I asked m y self excitedly, “w h at is to prevent me going to the exam ination of my own accord?\ E thelburt Bushes Into Action. I seized my hat, adjusted my tortoise-shell spectacles, and rushed out of the tent. In my h a s te I forgot to wax my m o u stache. O u tside the appointed building I found the line of m en w aiting to enter to be ex­ am ined for the school. I fell in a t th e end of the line. I don’t m ean by this th a t I caught my toe on some obtruding object and actually “fell in.\ No, I m a intained perfect poise. I sim ply took up a position at the end of the line. I was still outside the door two hours later, shivering from the cold. If enough had not already been said in a satirical vein of the sunny South I would record my opinion here. Suffice it to say th a t I have renam e d it the Funny South. E thelburt Is Examined. At length my tu r n came to enter the long room and approach the officers standing there in a knot. To me it looked like a hard knot, stern and forbidding. But did I shrink? No! I rem e m b ered th a t the cap­ tain had w arned F lan a g a n : “For H e a v e n ’s sake, Mike, when you get up in front of those officers, m ake an im p ression. Do som e thing to get their attention.\ I w alked forw a rd and, six paces from them , I stopped, clicked my heels together, and saluted—oh, so sm a rtly! I could tell by the expression th a t suddenly cam e over the colonel’s face th a t I had already begun to m a k e an im p ression. “W h a t is your nam e ? \ he snapped out, glaring at me. “E thelburt Jellyback, Private.\ I never winced. “W h e re did you ever go to school?\ “I w e n t to Broton, sir, until I found life there too rough. Then I studied w ith p ri­ vate tutors. A fter that, H a rvard.\ “W h a t did you do before entering the serv­ ice?\ H is Previous Training. “W ell, sir, I did a great m any things. I spent a year in travel. I surrounded m y self w ith the best books, the best chappies and friends a fellow could hope to have, I m a n ­ aged m any a cotillion and social event for Mrs. H atton-H iggins, I drove my own ear— w h en the w e a ther w a sn’t too severe, you know—and—\ “H ave you had any previous m ilitary ex­ perience?\ “Yes, sir.\ I spoke up prom p tly, a snappi­ ness of tone would help to m ake an im p res­ sion I knew. “Yes, sir, I once visited the Campfire Girls at their spring m aneuvers.\ The colonel turned to another officer, who was sitting at a desk keeping records of the candidates. T h e y conversed secretly. T h e ir conversation continued. I began to wonder when the colonel would ever tu r n around and tell me I had been accepted. T h e n I began to fear he had intended to tell me but had forgotten about it. I m u s t do som e thing to get his attention, I told m y ­ self. So, in a sharp, com m anding voice, such as I m ight use w h e n com m anding troops of my own, I cried : “As you w e re!\ He Gets the Colonel’s Attention. It had the desired effect. The Colonel swung about as if on a pivot. He m u s t have been im p ressed for his face grew red and his hand was shaking. In it he held a paper containing the list of nam es. “W h a t—\ he thundered at me in a louder voice than necessary—“w h a t in the devil brought you here!\ “I came on the im p u lse of the moment, sir. I thought there would be an opening.\ “Yes, there is.\ The Colonel turned to the door. “Please close it after you go out.\ I felt like m a k ing him a long speech, in w h ich I should say th a t apparently the only officers they w a n ted w ere fellows who spoke like roaring cannons. B u t I restrained m y ­ self. I w e n t aw ay w ith a ,great am o u n t of hauteur and a confidence th a t I would hit upon other ideas soon. W h en I get them , Mr. Editor, you shall know of them . But you m u s tn’t dism iss them w ith such scant consideration as you displayed in your last note to me. I w rote you about some ideas, and added: “I have other irons in the fire.\ You rep lied : “Re­ move irons. Insert ideas.\ —ETH E L B U R T JELLYBACK Private. (C. D.) A BUILDING BOOM. This is getting to be quite a thriving little town—this here Camp W adsw o rth. The 102d E n g ineers allow as how they are going to build a church, and the 107th comes rig h t back w ith the announcem e n t th a t it is going to build a combined church and club­ house for use by the whole regim ent. P a r t of the building will be used for an officers’ club. NUT NUMBER NEXT WEEK. The next num b e r of the Gas A ttack will be the N u t Number. It will appear on January 26th. It will be som ething to m a r­ vel at. som e thing to laugh over, som ething to crack your brain on, and som ething to send home to the folks.