Sunday, September 14, 2014

i <heart> nfl: matt ryan

If you had told me a former Raven was going to destroy professional football, I would've put my money on Bernard Pollard. In case you've been living under a rock or eating $4 toast this week, you no doubt have seen the video footage from the AC casino elevator in which former beloved Bodymore Raven RB Ray Rice is seen punching and knocking out his then-fiancee (now wife, due to that whole testification thing). This incident was partially uncovered in March, and Rice was currently serving a two-game suspension for it, before being cut by the Ravens and indefinitely suspended by the NFL upon the release of the TMZ video. Now the original judgement of the NFL (and the Ravens front office) is being questioned, and calls for the firing of The Ginger Hammer are mounting. Expect your Sunday viewing to be peppered with updates and analysis. PROP FUCKING BETS! When will Roger Goodell get fired (closest date following the occurrence) and who will replace him!? My bets are Fri, Sept 19 andCondoleezza Rice, for the name parity and all. Hit me! (too soon?).

TNF: On a historic anniversary like this, it's important to take a moment to reflect on this tragic event. We will never forget... that time Mike Tomlin interfered with a Jacoby Jones kick return. The Ray Rice Show trumped the evening's scheduled entertainment, making it once more that Rihanna was maligned by domestic abuse. The Ravens definitely didn't suffer on the field, as Owen Daniels and Justin Tucker put up all the points in a 26-6 route of the Yinzburg Stillers, a rivalry that usually features razor-thin scoring margins.

Sun 1pm (Misconduct or Cavanaugh's probably, Center City, Philly): In the worst week of the NFL, the Buffalo Bills of course have their best week in 20 years in that their team is not definitely moving elsewhere soon. Those happy feelings will soon dissipate after hosting the Miami Fins, fresh off their drubbing of the hated Patriots. Speaking of, the existence of a just and merciful God will be confirmed if the NE Pats, currently in last place in the AFC East stay there, but this looks unlikely as another menace in purple wants to have his shot at ruining football as well. Although Roddy White is slated to lose his fantasy match this week, my beloved Dirty Birds look to penetrate the Cincy Bagels hole-y defense, although it's likely they'll do the same to us. And at the bottom of the stacked deck that is the NFC West, the Zony Cards travel to the Snoopy Stadium to likely embarrass the NYF Giants. Also expect a catfight as the Carolina Panthers host the D'town Lions. Dallas owner The Double J won't have to worry about seeing red this week, since it's just the Cowboys' week to commemorate the former Houston Oilers. Although many observers credit Niners fans for invading Jerryland, I stand by my assertion that about half of the notably fearweather Dallas fans just picked a new (winning) team to cheer for.

4ish: The Texas Houstons dive into the black hole as they travel to Oakland, who were able to#StartTheCarr last week, but this being the Raiders, that Carr looks to end up on cinder blocks with the copper wiring stripped out. #AtLeastTheyLeftTheCreedence. The Rams and Bucs are competing to win a trip to Los Angeles. Permanently! And they also happen to be matched up this week. The NY J-E-T-S landing at the vengeful Packers and Broncos hosting of the KC Reidskins both promise late-afternoon scoring action.

SNF: Chicago looks to Bear Down on the Field of Jeans as the Santa Clara Niners host the Munsters of the Midway. That the Niners' home opener is a Sunday night gig means the rest of the league will have to patiently wait to make fun of them for complaining about the 80 degree weather. And then dying because of it. Update: Apparently da Bears have no receivers this week, so this could quickly become a snoozefest.

MNF (I'm back in NYC for this one, lemme now if you wanna watch!): The Colts weren't so Luck-y against Denver last week, although they made an incredible attempy. The Eagles were successful in their comeback, but it doesn't really count because it was against Jacksonville. This should be a good matchup for first solo MNF of the season.