Flashes

Bang, Bang, You're a Fed
Faced with the closure of a firing range on public land in Tucson, Representative Jim "I am not a member of ACT-UP" Kolbe has called out the militia--literally. The Tucson Rod and Gun Club's shooting area was long a fixture near the scenic Sabino Canyon. "A million and a half tourists come here every year, and they have to listen to gunfire like it was Sarajevo," one neighbor said. But in March of last year, the club was closed after a U.S. Forest Service study found it was unsafe. The gun club challenged the closure in court and lost.

Hell, that's un-American, the gun-clubbers growled. Never mind that the shooting range borders an elementary school and a middle school. Never mind the complaints of shell-shocked residential neighbors or the courthouse shenanigans of the gul-derned Forest Service. We got a right to bear arms, by God, they said.

So the gun-toters went to Kolbe, and Kolbe went to well-known wingnuts Representative Don Young (Republican of Alaska) and Representative Helen Chenoweth (Republican of Idaho). At hearings on February 10 before the House subcommittee on forests and forest health, they got tall in the saddle and threatened the Forest Service with all kinds of heckfire if that gun range wasn't reopened.

The USFS still hasn't backed down, but the Dynamic Duo of the Wise Use movement wasted no time in making the shooting range the latest last stand against the New World Order. Young--who'd personally kill every spotted owl in existence if he could just get the damn government off his back--threatened to tie up the USFS budget if the club wasn't reopened. Chenoweth chimed in by telling the USFS, "You started the fight. We'll finish it."

That could be a little ominous coming from Chenoweth, who defended militias after the Oklahoma City bombing, threatened to make life a "living hell" for a USFS employee if she heard of any more black helicopter fly-bys over Idaho's airspace, and recently said it was no use trying to recruit blacks and Hispanics to work for the Forest Service in Idaho because minorities hate cold weather.

Kolbe ought to be more direct next time those lib'rl-gummint-bureaucrats try to take away the right to open fire. The Flash hears Timothy McVeigh is in easy reach of federal authorities these days; perhaps he and Kolbe can take a meeting, see what develops.

What, No Strip Search?
As if February 2 wasn't a bad enough day for the Fifester--a 30-month prison sentence--the ex-guv was held up on his way into the federal courthouse by a pesky metal detector.

When the detector beeped on his first pass through, His Feloniousness reportedly turned to the guard and said, "Well, I'm not a flight risk. I'm not going to do anything. How many times have you seen me in here?"

Unwilling to give a guv a break, the guards reportedly asked Symington to take off his belt, then empty his pockets, then, finally, doff his shoes.

Apparently, Symington's lace-up oxfords had metal in them. (Tiny files?)
He padded through--finally beep-free--and on to learn his fate.

Mortal Blather
ABC-TV's 20/20 ran a blind ad seeking chatterboxes (shown here) in last Sunday's New York Times. Obviously inspired by Monica Lewinsky and Linda Tripp, the hard-digging video-journalists are looking for more loose lips. Newsflash to ABC: We've discovered a wealth of likely candidates right here--which we are all too happy to share with the network of ur-chatterbox Cokie "Clinton will be out by next week" Roberts. Here's the Flash's short list:

Representative Richard Kyle--This legislator took a one-day story about murky allegations that he'd sexually harassed a minor and blabbed about it in the news for a week, threatening to sue both a 17-year-old girl and the leader of his own party. Result: The charges were then printed in excruciating detail--one legislative page included a description of how Kyle draped an arm over her in McDonald's in an overly familiar way. Now that's damage control. Don't worry about it, Rich: The next Happy Meal is on the Flash.

Bob Mohan--Listening to the Flash's favorite evil man, KFYI-AM radio hatemeister Bob Moron's invective is the next best thing to a recording of the Nuremberg rallies--and Bob's invective is delivered in English . . . kind of.

John "Fats" Dowd--Fife Symington's shyster lawyer has clearly become the mouthpiece of last resort, having just been hired by Vernon Jordan after his kamikaze representation of the Fifester. Dowd, who attended the same school of rhetoric as Bob Moron, declared that he had "won" after his boy was convicted on seven counts. During the trial, he kept telling the jury that it didn't really matter if Fife had lied to lenders. If the beefy barrister decides to seek alternative employment, the Flash suggests sumo wrestling. He's got the build for it.

Frances "ET" Barwood--As soon as the Captain Kirk of Arizona politics is elected secretary of state, she's going to rid us of all those pesky aliens in our midst. At last, someone has the courage to expose the facts: Homelessness, child poverty, police brutality and the closing of the Cine Capri theater are all caused by Martians.

Steve "I'm Not Krazy" Knickmeyer--First the Repulsive's ex-managing editor failed to endear himself to staffers when he donned a straitjacket and a sign reading "I'm Not Krazy" [sic]. But then he had to open his mouth. Chattering about the 60 newsies fired by Phoenix Newspapers, Inc., last year, he confided to the Columbia Journalism Review they were, "fat, lazy, incompetent and slow." Superiors disappeared the Knickmeister after ex-employees made lawsuit noises.

Get Out columnist Dan "I once met Hunter Thompson, so please, please, please, take me seriously as a journalist" Dunn--When not busy trying to write himself out of a job by making things up, Danny tries to attain some cred by writing to journalists at New Times and the Arizona Repulsive and asking them to hang out with him. Sure, Dan--we'll go ice-skating in hell.

Sheriff Joke Arpaio--Our heroic but modest lawman hates to talk about himself, except every time he opens his mouth. The local Crime Avenger recently told a local attorney that he buried Bobby Kennedy, and about the time he gave Elvis Presley a speeding ticket.

The Flash is willing to talk about how he saw John Lennon in the supermarket last Saturday. Anybody listening?