A Myth about Men that Can Kill Your Relationship

Men don’t talk as freely and easily as do women because they’ve been trained not to–It has nothing to do with love.

“I just don’t understand men,” Susan moaned to her best friend, Helen, over lunch. “Every time I try to talk to Jim about something the least bit emotional, I get the impression he wants to point the remote control at me and push the mute button. Sometimes I don’t think he has any feelings!”

Although this kind of conversation may help women vent frustration, it does little to bridge the communication gap between the sexes. What women don’t realize is that men do have feelings, even if they don’t always communicate them directly. Such myths about men are prime culprits in the erosion of trust and understanding in a relationship.

Olivia and Aaron, married for 10 years, had recently moved to the area and were seeking marriage counseling because the stress of the move had taken a toll on the relationship. Olivia had been in public relations, but had quit her job about a year ago when they had their first child; Aaron, an engineer, had been transferred unexpectedly.

Olivia began the session: “Since we moved here Aaron has been completely wrapped up in his job. I try to talk to him about the baby, and he doesn’t seem to care. I feel shut out and lonely. I haven’t made any friends yet, so I need Aaron all the more. He’s not here for me, though. I think all he cares about is his career.”

For what seemed like a long time, Aaron sat silent. When I asked him what he was thinking, he said, “I know Olivia is unhappy, but I don’t know what to do. I feel bad that we had to move, but we didn’t have a whole lot of options. I try to suggest things she could do to make her day go faster, or ways to meet new people, but that only seems to make her madder at me. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

The communication pattern that Olivia and Aaron demonstrated is common. Olivia expressed her feelings to Aaron (she’s lonely) and Aaron offered her solution to the problem (get out and meet people). Here’s another version I often hear: a woman comes home and tells her husband about some problems she’s encountered at work. Her husband is quick to offer advice. She becomes angry and doesn’t feel supported. He feels baffled, “Why is she mad? I was just trying to help.”

What’s going on here? Why all the confusion? It’s an oversimplification, but sometimes men and women speak different languages, and neither is fluent in both. Many women communicate by talking, and many men by doing. A man talks to solve a problem. If he doesn’t have a solution already in mind, he’ll remain quiet (like Aaron did), figuring out the problem internally before speaking. In contrast, women speak to vent feelings, to elicit support and validation, and to build rapport.

When I was in graduate school research into sex roles was a hot subject. The prominent sex-role researchers at the time referred to men as being more “instrumental” and women as more “expressive”. Instrumental referred to being logical, rational, and analytical, while expressive referred to such traits as being nurturing and emotional. The research focused on the concept of androgyny – when someone of either sex shows a balance between instrumental and expressive traits. Results of numerous studies found that androgynous individuals fare better than sex-stereotyped individuals on a number of dimensions, including behavioral flexibility, assertiveness, and socially appropriate behavior. I remember being excited by this line of thinking: freedom from rigid sex roles would allow men and women to express all the different aspects of their personalities, without being negatively evaluated.

Somewhere along the way, it seems the ideal of androgyny was lost. Now the prevailing norm appears to be that, at least in the area of love, a woman’s way of communicating is the most revered and the most accepted as the standard of mental health. Indeed, many popular books, women’s magazines, and seminars admonish men that they better shape up and learn to communicate more like women – talk more, listen more, and be more expressive and intimate. When men communicate their feelings of love for their family by supporting them financially, or by fixing a leaky faucet, or by clearing ice off the driveway, it’s not enough. In fact, it’s often not even noticed by women as communication at all.

Neither men’s nor women’s way of communicating is inherently superior. There is a time to talk and a time to act – either way carried to extremes has limitations.

Couples must accomplish three main tasks to bridge this communication chasm:

Each partner must acknowledge that both ways of communicating are valid – that communicating by talking and communicating by doing are both acceptable.

Then they must learn to speak each other’s language. Oftentimes in therapy, there is more of a focus on teaching men expressive and emotional skills; but I think it’s just as important to teach women to be fluent in the language of action.

Finally, it can be enormously helpful if partners don’t take it personally when the other is not speaking their preferred language. Many times I hear women, in particular, assigning a negative motivation to their partner’s behavior: “If he really loved me, he’d talk to me more.” This is simply not so. Men don’t talk as freely and easily as do women because they’ve been trained not to–It has nothing to do with love.

The sad part is that in the very beginning of the relationship the woman will be attracted to the man that displays the qualities you describe then once the relationship takes a foothold. She will be repulsed by the exact same qualities that attracted her.

It seems that a man that is capable of the qualities that women say they want don't even stand a chance of getting their foot in the door.

Sometimes I just wish women would make up our minds for us and stick to it. The push/pull is just sickening!

kicks in and both sexes want to move on and reproduce with somebody knew. Oxytocin wears off for both men and women.

I have become "repulsed" as you say, by a man who I was wildly in love with in the beginning. It wasn't anything he did or said that started to repulse me. He is a wonderful man. I just didn't want to have sex with him any more and that was our only real reason for being together. Unfortunately, it has happened to me -- where they've left me -- more times than the other way around. I don't blame men.

The reason men are encouraged to learn women's language is because women *already* speak men's language, ie. doing, and yet are not heard at all. Women take care of the house, of the kids, of the man's laundry, and of a thousand other things, because they love their man and their kids.

But do they receive any acknowledgement from their man that this counts as "showing love"? Most often, nope.

So if women already speak men's language and yet don't get rewarded for it, then why should they reward men for speaking only men's language?

As you say: there is a time to act and a time to talk - but women already do both, while men don't.

"Women take care of the house, of the kids, of the man's laundry, and of a thousand other things, because they love their man and their kids"

Okay, who is primarily paying the mortgage? If it's the man, it sounds like helping around the house would be an adequate trade. Does the woman mainly stay at home? If so, why is it any surprise that she is around the kids more often? Did the woman volunteer to do the laundry? If not, it sounds like both people need to communicate, not just the man. And a thousand other things, really? I'm sure you wouldn't like to hear a man say "Men pay for the house, pay for the kids, fix everything around the house, do all the heavy lifting, and a thousand other things" because it would come across as sexist and ignorant.

but yes, if the man is paying the mortgage and the woman is not working, it is a fair trade. My mother out-earns my dad 4-1 and still does a lot of the housework. He fixes the cars and mows the lawn. She fixes his dinner and gets him a beer. They seem happy.

When you don't recognize that there are situations where women pay the mortgage and "do a lot of the heavy lifting" it is you who sounds sexist and ignorant? Some women are complete bitches who totally destroy men's lives. Does this make all women that way? Some men hit and hurt women physically and are complete dicks who totally destroy women's lives. Does this make all men that way?

Can we not just speak in generalities and not get called out for it every single time????? The point of the quote you put in is that women do a lot just out of love. So do men. She forgot to say that but it doesn't mean she doesn't realize it.

"Okay, who is primarily paying the mortgage? If it's the man, it sounds like helping around the house would be an adequate trade."

Have you forgotten that this article is about the different ways of showing love? So when I mention that women also ACT to show their love, it is completely irrelevant to bring in who pays the mortgage. Love is not something which can be bought with money.

"I'm sure you wouldn't like to hear a man say "Men pay for the house, pay for the kids, fix everything around the house, do all the heavy lifting, and a thousand other things" because it would come across as sexist and ignorant."

... You're not making any sense! Or are you REALLY arguing that men who pay for stuff are OWED love from their wife O.o ??

Also? Get with the times. A lot of women work outside of home, and it's becoming increasingly common for the women to be the ones to bring in most of the money.

I like talking about relationships and feelings more than my wife. She is more action-oriented. When we go out for a romantic candlelight dinner at a restaurant, I'm invariably the one who says, "Can't we just sit here a little longer, enjoy an after-dinner coffee and just talk?"

I've suspected that therapists have biased their sessions towards women's preferred communications styles for years. Not out of malice, but out of the often-subtle WAW (women are wonderful) effect that impacts both male and female professionals.

In addition, men have been socialized that last 30 years plus to learn and adopt female communication styles. Now, thanks to articles like this, we have the beginnings of what I see as a correction - an adjustment that acknowledges that male communication tendencies are as valid and worthwhile as female.

This bothers me because I'm a man and I'm VERY communicative, but even though I'm very communicative, as a man I still approach communication differently than women do.

NEWSFLASH: MEN do not complain to others as a form of 'visiting' or 'bonding'. This does not mean men are unfeeling, emotionally blunted or unemotional!!!

When a man has a hard day at work he wants to RETREAT and DECOMPRESS. He wants to let loose. He wants to joke around. He wants to take it easy and he wants to talk about positive things. He wants to at least know that his wife is happy.

Women: Even though YOU may feel that you are 'bonding' when sharing all the little negative details of your day with your man, your man does not feel all warm and fuzzy as you drench him with every single negative experience you had that day.

When a woman complains to her man, he feels:

RESPONSIBLE: for her unhappiness.
BOMBARDED by negativity.
NAGGED. ANNOYED.
HURT that his lady is so unhappy and unsatisfied in her life.
INADEQUATE as a male and a partner because he feels her happiness is HIS responsibility,

His instinct is to solve problems, and he is being told not to help you with your problems.

Men will talk about problems, but they talk about them to help themselves figure them out and solve the problem or find understanding about the problem.

For a man, simply telling someone else about their problem would not only make no sense at all, it would just make them more and more upset about the problem. A man doesn't understand how someone could merely tell someone about a problem and then feel better.

For men, problems don't 'disappear' if we simply complain about them for long enough...

Conversely When men tell you about a problem they have, they're saying "I don't know what I should do here. What do you think I should DO? I can't figure out what to do here... help me figure this out."

Men aren't lucky like women, our problems don't magically disappear once we have complained about them.

without trying to understand what caused it, how to deal with it, what to do about it, or how to prevent it from happening again.

MEN DO NOT SEE COMPLAINING as a form of "BONDING"...

When MEN come home from a really hard day, they need to do the EXACT opposite. They need to DECOMPRESS.

Complaining does not let men magically forget their troubles, it brings the troubles up all over again and makes them even more agitated.

When men come home from a long hard day the last thing in the world they want to do is complain about their day.

Men don't want to talk about their problems after work because for them this only rehashes the negative emotions associated with the problems

I don't think women appreciate that men deal with their problems in a different way. This has nothing to do with men being emotionally 'stupid' or out of touch with their feelings.

So how do you know if a GUY is hurting inside? He may joke around harder than normal, cracking jokes left and right at the dinner table. He may start working on the leaky sink without even changing out of his work clothes. He might watch a movie. He might work on a hobby.

Just because men don't benefit from complaining about their negative experiences doesn't mean they are emotionally crude and unfeeling.