Like this:

Yep. Newsflash. Women are hilarious!

…they just aren’t allowed to be if they ever want to bag a guy. Men pride themselves in their physical/athletic ability, problem solving capacity, and sense of humor over most all else when it comes to how they impress the fairer sex. So despite being equally comedically talented, women have learned not to outshine the boys in the humor department.

This practice is reinforced every time a woman makes an awesome joke in mixed company, and is met wtih confused expressions as the men deliberate:

Surely she didn’t mean to be funny… so maybe she just doesn’t get it. Ok, we’ll just pretend like she didn’t say anything so she doesn’t feel bad for being dumb. Plus she’s cute, so we’ll let it slide.

…Now, one of the dudes making that same joke, of course, would be deemed life of the party~

LOOK, I get what they are trying to do at Vons with the: “Hello, can I help you find anything” business. Theoretically a great idea. But when you’re bombarded by every single employee within shouting distance asking if you are finding everything ok it becomes a most onerous shopping experience.

“Step Off Crazy Old Lady.” A poetic tribute to my neighbor. A true story.

There lives an old lady across from my place. She seems kinda crazy, pretty sure that’s the case. She stopped me one time to show me her door, complaining of invisible dust particles, as if someone placed them there- don’t worry, there’s more.

Took her a good ten minutes to explain the dust thing to me before not so subtly implying that I was a part of this grand conspiracy. I smiled and nodded just trying to get the hell outta there, which was about the time she warned me that Satan was bad…with a most meaningful stare. Continue reading →

Admittedly narcissistic, here is a collection of some of my most favorite lines that I’ve come up with over the years. Yes, these are 100% original statements coined by me, J.D. St. Michaels. Some are just well-worded observations, some thought-provoking positions, and others just plain silly. Hope you enjoy them as much as my friends and I have–

Droppin’ Knowledge

How to fix the U.S. Economy. Three-words: De-criminalize, regulate & tax.

Like this:

Ok, look- I know you’re supposed to think that all babies are cute, but really, they aren’t. Hey, I’m sorry, I guess I have discerning taste when it comes to babies. If you want me to think you’re cute, you’ve gotta bring something to the table here.

The worst though is ugly babies. And you know what I’m talkin about. Ugly babies. Because let me tell you, some of these babies are straight jacked. That’s not me, thats just a fact.

But what kills me is that it’s always the parents of ugly children who are the first to pull out their wallet-pictures and shove them in your face. How awkward is that moment?? Here you’ve got this 1×2 photo of this cross-eyed, snaggle-toothed, Jabba the Hut lookin’ creature and then the proud wide-eyed mother standing there on the edge of her seat waiting for the obligatory “Awww, how cute!!”

I can’t do it lady. I just can’t. I don’t know what other people have told you, but this is real bad. Take it back. Here, seriously. Yuck!

FUNIANI (fun-ee-AN-ee) pl. noun: Joe Pescie ala Good Fellas inspired collective noun for the kind of people who crack jokes. Usually used disparagingly. Those who constantly attempt humor, often to the point of annoyance.

USAGE:

(From Good Fellas) “I’m funny how? I mean funny like I’m a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I’m here to f*ckin’ amuse you? What do you mean funny?? Funny how? How am I funny??”

………………………..

Correspondingly, one might say: “Hey this f*ckin guy. What are you? You think you’re funny?? What are you, part of the funiani?? You think you got jokes? Who the f*ck is this guy?!??”

Like this:

Fating (fay-ting, verb): Aka fake-dating. The art of keeping in somewhat constant and flirtatious communication with a romantic interest. all the while maintaining minimal physical contact and the ability to date others.

Definition: The type of comedy that is “funny on its face.” That is, requiring no additional knowledge on part of the audience. The humor can be appreciated without knowledge of past events, character relationships, or any other supplemental information. FOIF comedy is one dimentional and thus more readily understood by the general public, however for that same reason, significantly less funny. Continue reading →