April 2012

I know, I am playing into the hands of an advertising agency that is trying to make this commercial go viral, but I think it’s pretty funny that someone finally did this. Actually, I saw this commercial the other night while I was watching “Grey’s Anatomy” or something like that, and it wasn’t until I saw a bottle of Liquid Plumber over the weekend that I remembered it, and even then I thought maybe I dreamed it, so I’m not sure how effective the commercial actually was in getting me to reassess my need for drain cleaner, but it did stick in my mind (no pun intended).

This commercial is actually kind of meta, because Liquid Plumber is finally acknowledging the fact that porn people make "Hi, I'm here to snake your pipes" references all the time, and good for them for finally using that to their advantage.

By the way, did you see the promos on “Mad Men” last night for that new show “The Pitch”? I don’t know why, but watching people come up with advertising campaigns in real life falls into the same category for me as “American Idol auditions,” so even though I am kind of in that field and I have definitely worked on a few pitches in my day, I don’t think I’ll be watching that.

So, Monday night I slipped on water in the kitchen, and while I did catch myself before I fell (because clearly I am agile like a cheetah), my foot went "pop," and then I basically couldn't walk on it without it producing a delightful shooting pain.

You're thinking "broken bone in foot," right? That's what I was thinking, but I really don't like to overburden the Emergency Medical system with non- emergent situations, so I decided to ice the foot, elevate, drink some wine, and go to sleep, thinking I would reassess in the morning. That's a solid medical plan, right?

Side note: now is a good time to say that I have a high pain tolerance. I was once on vacation with Stephan and my in-laws, and because I was reading a map and waking at the same time I walked straight in to an iron pole, then kept right on going, prompting my father in law to say "DAMN-- I didn't think you could take a hit like that, Culwell." My point is that I can take a lot of pain, which sometimes makes me think I might be walking around with a broken bone, and then my foot falls off and I have to say "I told you so" to myself for not just going to a doctor when it first happened. Is there anything worse than the self "I told you so?" I think not.

So, then I wake up and still can't walk on my foot. By now I have asked Dr. Facebook, and my friends have diagnosed me with one of the following: broken metatarsal, plantar fasciitis, or some kind of pulled muscle/ tendinitis (because I like to leave important medical opinions up to social media). Facebook doctors are smart, right? Mostly they said "go to a doctor," which I was planning to do anyway.

Still on the fence about the ER vs. Urgent Care vs. a regular doctor, I call the doctor's office and make an appointment, and now my foot hurts whether i stand on it or not, and I"m starting to get cranky.

Here's where it turns funny: My doctor is even more nonchalant than I am. She looks at it and goes "meh, could be a stress fracture, might be a sprain, not really sure, don't want to say, please go to Ortho and get an X-ray, call them for an appointment, maybe they can get you in this week."

This pisses me off because frankly, I like to be the one being nonchalant about pain, not other people, and certainly not medical professionals. In fact, if medical professionals are reading this-- THIS IS WHY PEOPLE GO TO THE ER, YOU BONEHEADS.

Next, because I am me and I think bureaucracy is ridiculous, I go up to the Ortho department (where I have never been before, am not a patient, and clearly do not have an appointment), where I put on my best "I don't know any better" face and go "Yes, I'd like to see a doctor please?" like I'm at Burger King. The woman at the front desk is like "That's not how the doctor's office works," and I'm like "Fine-- you're saying I should go to the ER with foot pain? That sounds like it's going to be expensive and time-consuming for your medical facility."

She agrees and manages to fit me in, where I am given an Xray (no broken bones), diagnosed with a possibly torn muscle, and given "The Boot," which I posted for your enjoyment. Miraculously, after four days of non-stop boot wearing, my foot feels about 75% better. Wow!

Also to be filed under "interesting and amusing," you might recall that I get pulled over for non-moving violations frequently. Yesterday I actually went to court to appear for my "Lack of Vehicle Inspection" ticket that I received back in January. My state trooper didn't show up so the judge tried to continue the case, and (in my best "Law & Order University" lawyer style), I respectfully submitted that this would be a waste of the court's time since the matter was cleared up the next day, whereupon the judge laughed, said "Well put," and dismissed my case.

In summation, I am now practicing both medicine and law based on knowledge I obtained from television. Stephan is back from Norway/ Sweden, and here is the blog post on that. And....how was your week?

You guys! I was reading this article recently, and then I read that Britney Spears is about to sign a deal to be on X Factor for $15 million, and for some reason, it bothers me so much that the whole “financial conservatorship” thing is ongoing, never-ending, and somehow accepted by everything that I decided since no one else in her life is doing this, I would just go ahead and write this letter to Britney Spears, encouraging her to take control of her financial life. Bear with me—I feel like I need to do a woman-to-woman intervention here for a second. Woman power!

Dear Britney Spears,

Congratulations on your engagement, and on your impending, record-setting, $15 million dollar X-Factor deal. I am a little concerned though-- I recently read an article that your father went to court to give your future husband partial control over your finances, and that the court agreed, and when I read that I was all “Britney WHAAAT?” Wasn't it FIVE YEARS AGO that you had those issues? Did you know that once you are an adult, you don’t HAVE to have a “financial conservator” keeping watch over your affairs and your money? You are THIRTY YEARS OLD, Britney Spears. Yes, you had some problems and possibly even a mental breakdown, but who in the entertainment industry hasn’t? You handled your shiz, lady. You should ask the court to give control of your life back to YOU before you get married again and let yet another guy control your fortune. You’re a grown-ass woman with two little kids and a ton of residuals coming in, Britney Spears. You seriously cannot still think that your father being in control and you just getting an allowance is the way that adult life works, right? I know you probably don’t want to go to business school, but come ON, Britney Spears. One financial education course, maybe? You must at least be curious as to your actual net worth, right? RIGHT? Let me give you a hint: while you were reading this letter, you made approximately $150,000.

I know, I know, you were emotionally stunted and hypersexualized at a young age by that whole “Hit me baby one more time” album. We get it. One only need take a look at Lindsay Lohan, who actually seems to need adult supervision, to observe the sad consequence of child stardom. But, Catholic school-themed videos aside, you cannot stay young forever, and taking control of your financial life is part of growing up.

I know, I don’t know you personally, but it actually does seem like someone needs to sit you down and explain to you that even though you were made into a commodity at one time, THAT MONEY BELONGS TO YOU and you should make an effort to get that control back before you get married again (for the third time, and P.S., you are thirty, is this a good idea?), and CERTAINLY before you sign your X Factor deal.

Britney, I know from watching clips of your “Britney Loves Kevin” documentary that you are maybe not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, and that is ok. You’re beautiful, you are a great dancer, and you’re super, super, SUPER RICH. You, Britney. Not your father, not your fiancé, and (if you should end up calling it quits with him), not the next guy to come along (or even the one after that). YOU ARE RICH, BRITNEY SPEARS. TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE.

That is all. Thank you for your time and attention to this matter of great import, and best of luck with your X Factor deal.

Today I'm ranting about food, so first off, I want to just say that this Orbit commercial is really bothering me—is that guy supposed to be falafel, or is he some kind of moldy sandwich? Why is he singing a Chicago song? What do any of these things have to do with needing some Orbit gum to clean your mouth? I am not getting this message, clearly—I just keep staring at the sandwich guy, alternating between germaphobic thoughts about how gross that food is, and sympathetic thoughts about how that actor is playing a moldy sandwich (or maybe falafel) in a commercial, and how he probably went to Julliard.

Note: this is a screenshot, so you’ll need to click here to go to the Orbit website and watch the whole commercial. Annoyingly, they don’t have any embed code on their site, so I couldn’t include it here. Sorry! Apparently Orbit is trying not to be tech-friendly while they sell you gum.

Upon further examination, I now understand the narrative—the girl is eating at a falafel stand in the lobby of her building, and then she gets into the elevator, so I’m assuming the problem is that falafel has a lot of garlic and she’s going to breathe it onto her boss, so she should probably chew some Orbit gum to get rid of the smell, right?

Aside from the fact that I still think the guy’s face looks like mold, I also did just want to add that gum is probably one of a NUMBER of things you would need to clean yourself up after you eat falafel, in addition to a wet nap to get the tsaziki off your face. Falafel is a food with a high crumbliness factor, so you’re going to want to proceed with napkins and caution if you’re eating it in the lobby of your work. Also, she still has lipstick on after eating a falafel? Doubtful. I don’t think I’m the only person who needs a full-on hose down after consuming a falafel, dude.

Speaking of food (and falafel), I think I might have accidentally become a gluten-free vegan, and I need to tell you about the hilarious narrative that is going on in my head (and in my kitchen) all the time now.

In my defense, this has happened rather gradually and has absolutely no political agenda attached to it. A couple of years ago I mostly gave up dairy products (not because I’m trying to be all Alicia Silverstone vegan, and by the way, have you seen this video? I’m sorry, but it is super gross that she chews her baby’s food for him and then feeds it to him like a bird) because as I might have mentioned, I am allergic to dairy to the point where ice cream makes me break out in a rash.

Side note: Yes, sometimes I do load up on Benadryl and drink a milkshake or eat pizza, because come ON. Life without milkshakes and pizza? Ridiculous. And please don’t tell me that “Veggie Shreds” cheese substitute “tastes just like cheese,” because you know what tastes just like cheese?

CHEESE TASTES LIKE CHEESE.

Anyhoo, maybe Stephan got tired of having to make two of everything, because eventually he stopped eating dairy too, and he actually really liked it, so then we started experimenting with even more things we could take out of our diet that would make us even healthier (because we are insane).

See, this is how you become “accidentally vegan”—you start eliminating food groups, and then you realize that vegan food is all you have left, so you sort of sigh and lean into it. That’s not to say that I won’t bite the s#$t out of a grass-fed filet mignon, because I totally will, and for that reason I don’t think what I am can be officially classified as “vegan,” per se, but I will admit that we have been eating a lot of dairy free, meat free, gluten free meals, and they are actually really good. I feel better, this food keeps for longer so it saves money (another big appeal), and eating this way makes you feel like you’re actively doing something toward your own health and the environment.

However.

I am here to tell you that the further you get into the “healthy eating lifestyle,” the more you realize that every single methodology is a rabbit hole, and everyone is really vehement about why to avoid what they think you should avoid, and that really, EVERYTHING YOU’RE DOING IS WRONG WRONG WRONG and you’re going to die in five minutes if you keep doing that, and all of these theories, facts, and pieces of info somehow form themselves into a character called Food Cop that lives in the back of your mind. You must ask Food Cop before you want to eat or drink anything, ever. Don’t even think of asking Food Cop if you can have McDonald’s, okay, because you are so far away from McDonaldland now, Food Cop won’t even give you a map.

Here’s an example.

As I mentioned we’ve already mostly eliminated dairy products, so you’d think the next logical alternative would be soymilk, right?

WRONG WRONG WRONG, says Food Cop. Soy milk is made from soybeans, and soybeans contain phytoestrogens, and this artificially raises your estrogen level, which makes you crazy and gives you man-boobs (if you’re a man). Soy is OUT.

Next possible alternative: rice milk. That’s logical. Milk made of rice. Rice is innocent. What could go wrong there?

Food Cop says: WRONG WRONG WRONG, rice milk has gluten, and gluten sets off an inflammatory reaction in your body as well as possibly giving you “insulin resistance,” so avoid gluten as if it were the plague.

By now you’re like, um….Food Cop? I have to put something on my cereal….

Food Cop goes-- Wait. CEREAL? CEREAL IS THE WORST. It’s made entirely of gluten and sweetened with high fructose corn syrup, which is financed by the government and makes you diabetic. Never again let cereal pass your lips.

And then you’re all OK Food Cop….what should I eat for breakfast, then? Is oatmeal ok?

Food Cop: Gluten.

Me: A banana?

Food Cop: Too starchy.

Me: Protein shake with berries?

Food Cop: What’s the protein made of? Whey protein? Whey is made from dairy. Soy protein raises your estrogen level. Rice protein has gluten. Nut protein is too high in fat. Also, are the berries frozen? Those berries were probably treated with pesticide, which screws up your endocrine system, plus they were flown in from a foreign country, which ruins the environment. Your smoothie is running everything! No smoothie!

Me: Um, Food Cop….I’m very hungry. What about an omelette?

Food Cop: Well, eggs aren’t vegan…

Me: I don’t care. Now I’m starving, and I hate everything.

Food Cop: OK, locally farmed, free range eggs from chickens whose mothers loved them. Not too many egg yolks, though, because egg yolks have too much cholesterol. Make sure to use something that’s NOT butter, because butter is dairy, and dairy is terrible for you.

Me: Can I put spinach in this omelette?

Food Cop: Yes, but only if that spinach is organic and locally grown, and if you know the farmer, and he uses magic to ward off bugs instead of pesticides, and oh, there is no spinach local to the tri-state area, so scratch that. No spinach for you!

Me: Sigh. What about Juevos Rancheros? I like beans. Beans have protein.

Food Cop: Only dried beans that have been soaked overnight, NOT BEANS IN CANS, because have you seen the sodium content of canned beans? You might as well just jump off a cliff, amigo. Also, don’t even get me started on canned tomatoes, which have enough nitrates to paralyze a baby elephant.

Me: So, I can have egg whites, a spoonful of beans, and a puff of filtered air. What am I, in a

Nicaraguan prison?

Food Cop: It’s for your own good.

And……scene. In the next episode, I will argue with food cop over my one can of diet root beer that I am clinging to, as well as discussing what the right KIND of bottled water is, and also, peanut butter has too much fat.

Links Worth Liking

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