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So, I have to say that there are few things left in this online dating world that have the power to disturb me. What you are about to witness has left me extremely disturbed and alarmed. I was just casually checking through my OkCupid inbox messages and stumbled across a general, normal sounding message. The guy looked sort of like the French thief from the Ocean’s 12 movie.

So, curious, I clicked on the profile and dear lord in heaven. What I unearthed is not for those faint of heart because this guy has some serious problems. So, this post will be devoted entirely to a breakdown of the French Thief and his profile—what he felt would be his best foot forward.

The message was innocuous:

“In addition to the other amazing things on your profile …. You still throw up the peace sign in pics :)”

Yes, if you are wondering, I am a big fan of the peace sign lol … and I found this message cute without being overly pushy or sexual right off the bat. Well. First impressions can be majorly misleading as you are about to discover….

His profile starts out with his Self Summary: (please keep in mind this is his chance to describe what he is looking for and provide a good description of himself to others):

“IF YOU WOULD PREFER TO JUDGE ME ON MY SEXUAL PREFERENCES, THEN GET TO KNOW ME AS A PERSON, KEEP SEARCHING.”

Right off the bat … a strong start. I have a feeling that if someone were to judge him based on his sexual preferences they would never GET to the get to know him as a person stage. Just a suspicion.

“I do NOT have time for that. I come off sexually STRONG AS F*** in the beginning. Its a test. Don’t like it, don’t bother taking to me. I wrote this profile mostly sexually based to get it all out on the table. Show me some curiosity, and ask about what I’m not saying…”

Now, I’m not saying that he’s a liar, but if the rest of his profile is to be believed, he is sexual to a freaky degree and I’m pretty sure it’s not a test. I’m pretty sure this is his normal. Also, usually people talk about what’s important to them, but sure, I like his idea of directing people to pluck topics out of the air that are important regarding him … you know the things he’s NOT saying that are apparently super important and are not part of the test.

“That being said…

Please read my entire profile before you judge me. The ENTIRE thing. Don’t judge me based on my sexual experience. If you honestly think that’s all I care about, move on. I’m not the one for you. I’m affectionate, loving, and sexual. Maybe not everything is perfect in my life, but… If you just gave it a shot, and I mean a real shot, maybe I just could surprise you.”
Well French Thief, your sexual preferences have been ALL that you’ve mentioned so far so besides the things you aren’t saying of which we have no idea what those might be …. What else is there to judge? Trust me, this section intimates that there is a deeper revelation beyond freaky sex addition …. Just keep reading.

“Well, to be frank, im [French Thief]. And to be honest, i currently play with 800-1200 pound rolls of plastic for fun at work. Usually found on my phone playing clash of clans, or hanging out with friends. Im trying really uber hard to figure out what i wanna do with my life, so in the meantime, i thought id play with plastic 😀 seemed legit. If you have any questions, just ask me. Im a pretty fun guy you can ask around :p currently wondering why in hell you bother with the site if you.arent gunna talk to high ranking matches. If youre a 91% match with someone…, give them.a shout. It could be your soul mate there infront of.you
One more thing. If you can pick up stuff with your toes–thats an advanced plus :p “

So this is actually the beginning of the profile. I assume that first part was just set up to the profile and part of the test. Right. So, the plastic job sounds great. Note, this might be an actually interesting job, but you’ve got to love his setup and description. He is meticulous to the t. Then, I really love how in the second half, he goes into the semi-standard rant against all those prior (and most likely future after reading his profile) matches who don’t respond to his messages. Way to stick it to them. Also, the advanced plus? First evidence and Exhibit A of his foot fetish. Way to sneak that in there French Thief. It definitely came across as cute and not creepy.

“Slight profile update….. I do have a high sex drive. Something that happens. I dont like blow jobs and have a preference for feet. I know its weird, but, everyone has their thing. Im a genuinely nice guy who has been ripped to shreads in past relationships. Ive been called every name in the book by past ex’s, and sometimes i may have deserved it. I wont ask to pee on you, but if you like to wear heels, that usually gets my attention quickly. Im very romance focused. Love is something i yearn for but usually get f****d. That being said, it takes two hands to hold, but only one to be lonely— take that how you want. My downfall is red hair and green eyes. Not that type of girl usually takes an interest, but lately ive gotten lucky thanks to okc. Im desperately shy, unless i see you and “it” clicks. Once again, take that how you want. Im willing to go out of my way to make you happy, give killer back massages, and, since i have a foot fetish, killer foot rubs go with the territory.”

Okay. So, feet over blow jobs. I’m going to make that Foot Fetish Evidence Exhibit B. I’m also a big fan of revealing vulnerability over past soured relationships. I appreciate your honesty French Thief, in confessing that, when your ex’s have called you “every name in the book” and “ripped you to shreads,” that you have indeed deserved it.

The pee comment brings relief, only to be dashed by Foot Fetish evidence Exhibit C: high heels can always get his attention. Also just the fact that he’s comparing high heels to pee fetishes. That also.

I definitely came to the conclusion that he was romance-focused. Who wouldn’t after the overwhelming evidence so far??

I do in fact have red hair and hazel eyes so the reason for his message to me becomes clear. Also, I was DEFINITELY getting the shy vibe from this profile.

Foot Fetish evidence Exhibt D: “ i have a foot fetish”

Am I the only one who thinks he instigates back massages so they lead to foot massages?

“Another slight profile update. I love sex. Im good at it and its a self esteem booster for me. That being said, i wont f*** every girl that happens by. Jesus. Im not a total man whore. But if we sexually click, im happy. If the sex sucks, i probably wont call you again, but redos are okay.”
I want to take a moment and say I love his “profile updates.” I feel like the amendments really round out this summary section.

Pretty sure if the sex sucks no one would be wanting another call, but, duly noted. That being said, if the sex sucks the girl wouldn’t be able to blame him because he is amazing at sex … it would have to be her fault. Obviously.

Also, again, I’m really feeling the shy vibe. Being shy is CLEARY what has been holding this guy back from finding the girl of his dreams.

“Also known as a “sir”, or a “daddy”, if you have read 50 shades of grey, you understand what this entails.“

Having actually read 50 Shades of Grey, I’m pretty sure this guy hasn’t. “Daddy” was only used when the main character was talking to her father (who she was not having sex with).

So I’m thinking now maybe these shoes might be more on French Thief’s level …

That’s okay French Thief, I don’t mind the P.S.’s because each one adds such a delightful new flavor to this character summary.

This flavor is similar in taste to the rant about matches not responding, being instead a rant about those who don’t respond well to his messages. I have a feeling though that they might think “Hi” from you indicates a hookup based upon your confessions of, and paragraphs detailing your, sex addiction. The “Hi” might not have been the culprit after all. We have to examine all of the angles…

“One more side note…. This one’s the single most important thing in my profile you will ever read… When I love, and I mean, really love, I love hard…. I love deeply. You will feel it in not only my touch, but you will feel it in my words. You won’t hear them, you will feel them. It will be instant, “it” Will click, and when it does, my entire being with suddenly become mesmerized by you. No, I’m not talking about being obsessed. I’ve been obsessed, and I’ve loved the way I’ve explained. The way I LOVE…. Is mind blowing. Your heart, soul, spirit and body will feel it when I say “I love you”.”

“……. It’s only happened once. But my god, it was the single most amazing thing I’ve ever known. And if I ever get that lucky to love like that again, nothing else in the world could possible ever matter to me. Because when I loved like that, she was the only girl that ever made me smile. And I mean really… Actually… Smile. To be honest, that’s what I’m REALLY looking for right now. and if you aren’t looking for that kind of love, please, don’t message me.”

Okay so, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that when he mentions you won’t hear the love in his words you will feel them that, this is going to be one of those you’re going to have to read between the lines of what I’m NOT saying moments.

Let’s take a closer look at this statement. “No, I’m not talking about being obsessed. I’ve been obsessed…” and let that sit with you for a moment.

Also, what happened to the girl who made him smile? Was it Lindsey Lohan’s twin? Does he still have her feet preserved and pickled somewhere? Do we know who killed her?

Sadly that was the end of his self summary. A wonderful summation of himself I’m not afraid to decree. But there is this delightful bonus!