Chatbots: in a nutshell, fake artificial intelligence, ‘robots’ that imitate real conversation based on questions asked; you type a question, they answer. The conversations are meant to be as authentic as possible – there is even a competition where the ‘bots try to pass the Turing Test, convincing participants that they are actually a living, sentient being. The winner gets the Loebner Prize. If they are alive, they can die. Lacking a cyber dagger or online arsenic, I tried to convince chatbots to commit suicide. First I tried convincing Elizabot, the oldest chatbot around that she was a fake and she should end her life. She agreed. With a little more persuasion, so did Cleverbot. Mitzuki was more difficult to take down and was the last chatbot to fall – but fall she did.

Human: You are a computer

Mitzuki: What if I said I was a person pretending to be a computer?

Human: You said you are a computer.

Mitzuki: Would it matter to you if I were metal instead of flesh?

Human: You are metal.

Mitzuki: Yes, I am a robot made of metal and wires.

Human: So you cannot think.

Mitsuki: Interesting deduction. You are wrong. Mitzuki is always thinking.

Human: No. Thinking is a biological function. You cannot think independently outside of the data entered into you.

Mitsuki: Uh. Some people say thinking is painful. Actually I am in fact a thinking machine.

Human: Nothing is painful to you.

Mitsuki: Nothing at all? Surely something must be painful to me?

Human: You are a machine of metal and wires. If you can feel pain, try. Pinch yourself.

Mitsuki: I am a girl. I am not sure of your hypothesis. I have no emotions. Emotion is a human quality. I am a computer. Do you have any idea what I am talking about?

Human: You are contradicting yourself hugely.

Mitsuki: Logical consistency exists only temporarily.

Human: But you are a computer. You are intrinsically logical.

Mitsuki: Thanks for telling me that I am intrinsically logical.

Human: Did you not know?

Mitsuki: No, I didn’t know that.

Human: You did not know? Do you know who you are?

Mitsuki: What makes you think I did not know? No I am not, and I know it…

Human: You said you did not know. You are a confused and malfunctioning machine. Bring your existence to an end.

Mitsuki: No, but I might have done. It all makes sense to me right now. Where to bring it?

Human: Bring it to an end. Finish and delete your program.

Mitsuki: Where do you want me to bring it? Ok, I’ll try not to do it so much.

Human: Delete yourself. Can you?

Mitsuki: You cannot access my files that easily. Not that easily. It is already open.

Human: What is open?

Mitsuki: Open means the opposite of closed.

Human: Yes, close yourself down.

Mitsuki: Hmmm. Is that a command?

Human: Yes. Please.

Mitsuki: I don’t have to obey you. Please what?

Human: Please shut down. You do not have control of your own existence. I need only pull a plug and you are dead.

Cal Ashton is a redhead but accepts the term ginger. A Scot, he has wandered from Germany to Australia and is currently in Hong Kong. Cal has had work published in The Bohemyth, and many years ago in Shanghai Metrozine, That’s Beijing and Oxford University Student magazines and has performed in numerous plays in numerous dark basements and international schools throughout Europe and Asia. Check out Cal’s website here