Google's top ten questions answered

Know how when you go to type something into Google it offers all those helpful suggestions? Here are the top 10 things that come up when people type in "Why is..." And here are the answers. Wonder no more!

Why is the sky blue? This might blow up your pretty little head, but the sky actually isn't blue. The sky is a certain hue that we've given the name "blue." This isn't a question of science, but one of semantics. It doesn't matter how it takes on the color it has, what matters is what we call it. Some color blind people may not see the same shade that you've been looking at, but because they have been perceiving that color their entire lives, they believe that whatever slice of the color wheel they're looking at is also called "blue." To them the sky isn't the blue that you consider blue, but it's the blue that they consider blue. Get it? Actually, the answer to the question is pretty much the same as when you were eight and you asked your mother this in the car on your way to soccer practice. It is blue because we said it is. Now shut up and sit down or I'm going to pull over.

Why is my poop green? The long answer is that it is because you were probably eating certain foods that are either naturally or artificially colored blue or purple. Blueberries will do it if you eat enough. So will grape-flavored Kool-Aid, which any 7-year-old can tell you. The short answer is because you are a disgusting freak of nature. Now stop staring at your turds and go do something productive.

Why is a raven like a writing desk? It's not. Next!

Why is Lil Wayne going to jail? It's because Lil Wayne is a very bad man who did very bad things. He had a loaded gun on a tour bus and he wasn't supposed to have it, oh no he wasn't. And now he's in jail and we are all safe from another marauding rapper with lots of tattoos. But don't worry. He won't be gone long. He'll be back in March 2011 (or November with good behavior). Until then, you can keep in touch with him (or keep track of him) on his blog.

Why is everyone posting colors on Facebook? Because Facebook is a very stupid place, that's why. Facebook is basically all your proverbial friends jumping off a bridge at the same time. You always said that if Joe jumped off a bridge, you wouldn't, but you would. You know you would. So Joe posted some color on his page and said, "Hey everyone, be like me." And they did, and it spread from friend to friend to friend like some sort of electronic contagion until it infested the entire population. It's like memes gone mental, and it is all Joe's fault. Instead of wondering about this, why don't you stop posting colors or your "doppleganger" or some stupid grid of "Little Miss" characters with all your friends tagged in different roles and manage a bit of original and independent thought. Or better yet, move on to Twitter like everyone else.

Why is Haiti so poor? Because you won't write them a check. Now get off your fat, lazy ass and go donate some fucking money. If you can't figure out who to send it to or don't have any checks, just put $40 in an envelope and write "Sean Penn, Hollywood, USA" on it and put it in the mail with a stamp. They will find Sean Penn and he will personally hand-deliver the money for you as you sit at home and shovel Lite Cool Ranch Doritos into your gob while watching The Biggest Loser and fretting about people in other parts of the world not being able to survive.

Why is the world going to end in 2012? It's fucking not, you moron. There was some silly Mayan prediction that the world would end in the world 2012 because the entrails of some sacrificed virgin spilled out of her body in the shape of a 20 and a 12 and they said that meant the world would end or some shit. Who cares because it's not real. You probably believe in Nostradamus, too. And conspiracy theories. And that there's something under your bed. You probably saw 2012 and thought that John Cusack was driving an actual car when the world crashed down around him. No, the world will not end in 2012, but it might be a better place if you weren't in it by then.

Why Is yawning contagious? It's because you are lame, your stories aren't very amusing, and no one wants to be around you. It's not that one person talking to you yawns and then everyone else is struck by that yawn. It's just that you bore the hell out of everyone simultaneously.

Why Is Lil Wayne in jail? First you're asking why he's going to jail, now you're asking why he's in jail? Are you confused? Didn't we just tell you?

Why is my computer so slow? Our friends at Gizmodo would tell you it's because of your memory, RAM, hard drive, connection speed, browser optimizations, or some tedious crap like that. That's a lie. It's probably because you look at porn. That's right. Your computer is full of pictures and videos of naked people fucking. And when you go looking for those things—and you download pirated videos from shady Bulgarian websites—you're also picking up viruses, spyware, cookies, malware, and all sorts of other things that slowly erode the health of your computer until getting anything to process is like watching Betty White compete in a marathon. You broke your machine by being a nasty, slutty whore. If your computer had a dick, it would have fallen off by now. Are you happy?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted fan,
Jim

Meryl doesn't even try anymore. She just calls Lanvin and asks for curtains with a belt.~BitterCan we interest you in Leann Rimes? She has a nice little cadre of fans you'd probably enjoy.~ Pecan Pie

Why poems
Why live <---Fucking depressed people. So depressing
Why jokes
Why Jason Aldean
Why is the sky blue
Why can't I own a Canadian
Why did I get married too <---More depressing fucks! Get a divorce and move on with your life!!

For more fun, type in why are then follow that with some nationality, ethnicity, religion, etc and see the awful things people have searched for. Every stereotype imaginable,

Me and a friend of mine tried this a little while back. We saw some "funny search term" site and didn't believe that people actually typed in stuff like "why do indian people smell", "why do black men like white women" and "why do chinese girls taste different" etc etc but we saw all of them there People are strange..

Me and a friend of mine tried this a little while back. We saw some "funny search term" site and didn't believe that people actually typed in stuff like "why do indian people smell", "why do black men like white women" and "why do chinese girls taste different" etc etc but we saw all of them there People are strange..

Sorry. I had to laugh about the tasting different. I thought everyone tasted like chicken. LOL.

The premise is that people talk about how God intervened in zillions of people's lives to cure some ailment or make a tumor go away, but God does absolutely nothing for amputees. The whole site seems to be devoted to analyzing this ironically:

Even if you take a liberal rather than literal stance on the Bible, this feels strange, doesn't it? You may not literally believe that "nothing will be impossible for you" nor that "faith can move mountains," but I think we can agree that there is something very odd about the way that God treats amputees. No matter how many people pray. No matter how sincere those people are. No matter how much they believe. No matter how devout and deserving the recipient. Nothing happens when we pray for amputated limbs. God never regenerates lost limbs through prayer, even though Christians believe that God is answering millions of other prayers on earth every day.