Tuesday, 30 December 2008

A Cock-Up

I started the year as a kangaroo, and all was going well until my tail dropped off. Perhaps I should explain myself. I co-wrote a village Pantomime that was set in Australia and I the only way I could have a kangaroo in the script was if I volunteered myself for the part. So I did. I had no lines, but I had to jump around a lot; I am very bouncy, and I managed to have a costume malfunction, which caused much hilarity [and it’s on DVD]. Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly depending on your point of view, I have been asked if I would like to collaborate on their next production. It’s going to be set in space . . . well I suppose it will make an interesting setting for Puss in Boots . . . and the costume department will get merry with the kitchen foil . . . and they’re going to need a Puss . . .Anyhow, that’s how I started 2008. I will end the year by making prawn cocktails for a party. I already have a poor record with tails . . . but I am at a loss; my friend has challenged me to make some party food, and silly me took up the challenge. He knows I’m rubbish in the kitchen. He knows that I’m capable of burning an egg. So how do you skin a prawn? And what do you do once they’re skinned? I know that prawns are pink and I know that a prawn cocktail is a collection of prawns covered in pink mayo and decorated with bits of lettuce. To hell with it; I will deliver a Scarlet special instead:- Mashed fish fingers with tartare sauce – and if I throw in some ketchup nobody will be any the wiser will they?Or maybe I could peel some scampi . . .I started with a cock-up . . . and, as they say, start as you mean to go on . . .

I will be preparing for the party tomorrow, so won't be around much . . . so I'd just like to say . . .

You need a great cookbook - I got one from my mother which is how I came to know how to cook the most bizarre dishes. The cookbook is from before I was born but with added microwave stuff but the language is the same. It's priceless.

Ok, come on----Australia is a land of prawns----Now if you can get them cooked and frozen---fineGeez, you're the bloody girl---this isn't right----but I dont want you to fuck up---oops----bloody fould mouthed Australians.So if you have got them cooked and frozen---defrost them----rip their heads off----now peel them----so down the back of them is a black tube----separate the flesh with a knife and take out that tube---hey, if you dont, they wont notice-----you have left the tail on for them to pick up in their fingers---Seafood sauce---easy----just a ceamy mayo with a bit of tomato sauce and chili sauce for taste---or ----icecream melted, tomato sauce, chili sauce, and a touch of worchster sauce----Fuck, I'm Jamie fucking Oliver---oops.Have a great New Year----oh---by the way---great with champagne---and if you haven't got any, I'll be on the beach at midnight with a spare glass