For years i had wondered what little Jim (because you go there for a work out) would look like with a new and stylish hair cut. Stephan, my hair dresser, has always recommended that I get my eye brows waxed as he claims it would open up my eyes and remove 10 to 15 pounds of hair from my brow, easing strain on my neck and preventing scratching my corneas prematurely.

So i thought, why stop at the eye brows. Surely Jim deserves a new lease on life as well. I mean, he gets very hot in there and begins to smell like a giants sock that got left in the corner of the bathroom for two weeks following playing in a mud puddle.

As any male would do, I paid off reading the label. If i didn't read them when replacing the brakes on my grandmas 1992 Pintara, I certainly wouldn't for this. Setting myself up for success, I attempted this after enjoying six scotches (to numb the pain) and lowered myself into a dry bath with the plan of banging on the water when the time was up to scrub away what resembled tom seleck wearing an oversized spider on his head. I imagined the warm water rushing over the smooth as eggs marbles and a deceptively bigger looking Jim. Jim would frolic in the water while I lavished attention on him, and we would be the happier for it.

Needless to say, 30 mins later i woke up to a piercing scream that sounded somewhere between Alanis Morrisette singing opera and a baboon that just ate its own turd for the first time. It took me a few minutes to realise that this sound was emitting from my own throat. Jim now resembled a midget in a bright red swim suit cowering in fear in the corner of a room, sitting on an equally bright red bean bag.

It has now been 2 weeks. The medicated hand lotion that I rub into the team hourly has eased most of the pain. Pants are now able to be worn when moving around without Jim causing my brain to implode, and he is now able to be handled without the use of a soft felt cloth, cotton balls and a lot of TLC.

All in all, I would recommend the experience to all. It now looks like two slightly sunburnt looking "`Mini-me's" hanging below a more resourceful, more dynamic, more capable and certainly a well groomed Jim. Of a side note, both my parents and the treating doctors at the emergency ward commented on how smooth and well groomed the package looks. It's a shame the rest of my body still looks like the wolf man having sex with a Yeti.