exploring the realities of obsessive compulsive disorder

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Anonymous, 34, Texas, USA

“I’m so terrified of losing my wife that most days I can’t function.”

My OCD constantly tells me I’m inadequate. In every situation, with every person in my life, I’m not good enough.

My biggest fear is losing my second wife. I’m constantly convinced that she is either angry at my imagined inadequacy, or has found some mystery stranger who is better. The real kicker is the strain this puts on our relationship which only feeds my Relational OCD.

Most days I have 4-10 episodes lasting from 5 minutes to 4 hours. Lately I’ve just been sneaking away from work to attend nonexistent “meetings”. I just don’t want my coworkers to see me fall apart and realize how crazy I am.

My marriage and now my career are beginning to crumble, and I can’t tell where the OCD ends and where the truth of that statement begins. I can’t trust my own mind or afford more than 2 sessions of CBT per month. The meds make it more manageable, but make me incredibly drowsy and lethargic. I’m in a high stress, fast paced career. Sometimes I have to skip my meds just so I can try to catch up at work.

OCD is hell. Some days I wish it was as simple as cleaning or washing my hands. At least those wouldn’t drive my wife away.