Team Joseph Regrouping Session (Jay, Kim, and Leif)

Alright team. First, let me apologize. I blame myself for losing a team member last week. While I was busy being a member of Team Bring It, helping The Rock defeat John Cena at WrestleMania, I shortchanged y’all. And for that, I’m sorry.

I misread the tea leaves. Not the tea leaves at that creepy lunch place on Mad Men this week with depressed, heavier woman formerly known as Betty Draper. I honestly thought every member of our team was safe last week. I didn’t foresee the alliances staying true to the switched tribes, with the stronger tribe post-switch picking off the weaker tribe. Since we now see that is how things have begun post-merge, it’s no surprise that poor Jonas doesn’t join us today. I thought he could have gone far. But alas, he was indeed the biggest threat on the other side. His only mistake was that he didn’t try to strategize early enough. But he was trying to lay low. Bad luck for him and us.

But we must continue onward. With it looking like some big alliance shifts could happen this week to return to gender lines, let’s break things down for the Final 11.

Leif: Your boy Jonas is gone. Regardless of how alliances shift, it looks like it’s either going to go girls against guys (your best option at this point, because there are a lot of bigger threats than you) or continue going strong against the weak (which amongst the “weak,” you’re the strongest at this point, so that would be bad.)

Ideally, neither of these things would happen. Ideally, new alliances would form and you’d be on the right side of the numbers and ride loyalty into the Final 6 or 7. But that doesn’t look likely. Keep your profile low but your ears up for opportunities to fracture the powerful alliances and get in when a shift occurs to put yourself on the right side of the numbers. Win immunity if you can. Win rewards and choose who to bring with you wisely if you can. Your goal right now is to get to the Final 8 or 9. By that point in the game, there will be ripe opportunities to fracture off pieces of the alliance in power and change things up.

Jay: Beware, Jay! Beware! If the girls come after the guys, Michael’s first. Then probably you! Your biggest goal right now is to win at creating relationships, seem stable, but not a huge threat. You win a challenge or two, great. Stay close with our girl, Kim, here! If she trusts you, you two will go far together. If she turns on the guys, you need to make sure you’re a low target and then can team with Leif and some of the women not on the inner circle to pull a blindside and change up the game. Be attuned to how the wind is blowing and just keep yourself from being the main target this week or the next.

Kim: Ohhhhh… Kim! Looks like you have some big decisions this week. To do what’s best for you (ultimately there can be only one Survivor!), you need to stay firmly in control without wavering too much. You waver, people won’t trust you. People don’t trust you, they’ll turn to people who want you gone. When that happens, you’re gone. So you have to play a confident and smart game. You and Chelsea together are in the driver’s seat here. But that’s dangerous because the others could turn against you if you’re not presenting a shiny enough shot at the Final 5 for them. At this point, you must demand and seek loyalty, but pre-empt any blindsides by shifting alliances once or twice down the stretch between now and Final 3. You’ll know when those times come. And, if you don’t, you’ll find yourself out of this game.

Team Colin (Kat, Mike, Sabrina, and Troyzan)

Disrespect. Disrespect I tell you! We are dominating this game and we still aren’t the opening act on this post? Listen, I know we’ve been beating C-USA Survivor folk, but come on. Let this be motivation for you all. Time for a little film review session. Perfect practice makes perfect. You’re welcome.

Mike: Obviously your height and man beard seem to be stirring up potential “threat” talk. I suggest you shave and ask Lief what he drinks. There is a growing target on your back, so make your alliance water tight. Or you could woo the women with your looks and charm. You’ll know what to do when the time is right.

Kat: You are doing a great job of “playing” dumb. You’re slowly lulling everyone to sleep with your Forrest Gump impression. Strategically this is an epic play because you are so unsuspecting. This “act” could easily slip you into the Final 3. You’re likable, cute, athletic… (snaps fingers) Kat are you listening?

Sabrina: Hey girl! Can you believe Tarzan and his shit draws! Girl don’t let him play you like that, you’re better than that. Keep doing you. Ain’t that right. Amen sista. Stick with your girls and do you boo.

Troyzan: (5 minute staring session) Good talk.

Everyone bring it in one time.*Chucks deuces*

Team Clayton (Chelsea, Christina, and Tarzan)

Chelsea: I’m going to need you to stop gunning for Tarzan. We get it that he’s annoying. He’s a grouchy old man. But he’s not a threat to anyone, sooo let’s let him stick around. Remember, Survivor is all about the survival of the fittest…but you get a chance to vote off the fittest each week, so let’s continue to go that route. Let’s try to pump the brakes a little on our strategizing as well this week. Focus on lying in the cut since you are one of the fittest.

Christina: This could be a good week to get Alicia out. She has no business still being in the game and is still talking shit about you. I’d rather you take out someone on Colin or Joseph’s team, but do what you gotta do.

Tarzan: Just try to survive. We all know you are smart, quirky, and have a terrible memory. Those are three things that given the current climate can get your ass sent home. Let’s try not to let that happen.