Jumat, 19 Agustus 2016

5 Myths About Introverts in Small Groups

5 Myths About Introverts in Small Groups

“Not only should introverts be involved in small groups, they’re an incredible asset to your group.”

I was in denial for
most of my life. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized that
being an introvert could be a good thing. That’s because people in our
culture—and our small-group ministries—believe a lot of myths about
introversion. I was one of them.
A few years ago while I was training a group of leaders, someone
asked me, “What should I do about the introverts in my small group?” He
went on to describe introverts as a nuisance: They didn’t talk much,
they weren’t engaged and they clearly didn’t like people. What was the
point of them even being in a small group?

Dispelling the Myths

As an introvert who loves (and is committed to) small-group ministry,
I want to clear up a few common myths. Not only should introverts be
involved in small groups, they’re an incredible asset to your group.
1. Introverts are shy.
This is one of the most common misconceptions about introversion.
Shyness is fear in social situations, specifically related to how we’re
perceived. Both introverts and extroverts can be shy. Introversion and
extroversion, however, are based on stimulation and energy. Susan Cain, author ofQuiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking,
says, “Shyness is about fear of social judgment. Introversion is more
about how you respond to stimulation. Extroverts really crave large
amounts of stimulation, whereas introverts feel most alive and most
capable when they’re in quieter, more low-key environments.”
Another way to think about it is to identify what gives you energy or
drains your energy. Groups, crowds and loud, busy settings are highly
energizing for extroverts. On the other hand, sitting in solitude near a
lake could be incredibly difficult, draining and even boring.
Introverts are the exact opposite. Quietly working on projects, sharing
coffee with a friend or spending time in solitude energize introverts as
they think and ponder. Large crowds and loud concerts leave introverts
drained of energy. With this understanding, it’s easy to see that
shyness is not the same as introversion.
2. Introverts aren’t engaged in small group.
You’re leading a group discussion, and you notice that Dan hasn’t said a
word all night. He’s sitting silently, looking at people who are
speaking and has his Bible out as you read the passages—but he never
utters a word. Many group leaders assume that because Dan hasn’t shared,
he’s disengaged. But there could be a lot more to the story.
Introverts do their processing internally. The fact that Dan’s making
eye contact with people and reading along from the Bible shows he’s
engaged. He might be noting how one group member’s story reflects his
own experience. He might be contemplating how the passage applies to his
life. He might even be making a mental note to follow up with Sarah
later in the week to see how her mother is doing. The point: Silence
doesn’t necessarily mean disengaged.

3. Introverts don’t like people.
I remember taking the Myers-Briggs personality assessment in my high
school psychology class. My results came back as clear as day: INFJ. The
“I” stands for introversion, and it immediately caused me a lot of
stress. I tried to hide my results from my classmates, covering up the
giant “I” at the top of the page. I wholeheartedly believed that to be
extroverted was to love people, to be outgoing, to be social. To be
introverted was to hate people and to be a recluse. With this
definition, being introverted was not a good thing in the social
structure of high school.
But introverts love people, too. Extroverts and introverts, though,
approach relationships differently. As an introvert, I prefer to connect
deeply with a small number of people. I also hate small talk. If I’m
going to invest energy in a relationship, I want to cut through the
fluff and get to the meat sooner than later. I want to know the real
you, and I want you to know the real me.
On the other hand, extroverts tend to have many more relationships
that may not all go as deep. Extroverts are comfortable networking at
dinner parties and striking up conversation with new acquaintances
wherever they go. At a party, you’ll find extroverts working the room,
joyfully meeting everyone and keeping the party going. You’ll find the
introverts chatting with a few others in the kitchen, getting to know
another guest on the couch or even smiling as they stand near the wall
and look out over the party.
Sometimes I’m envious of the way extroverts can mingle at crowded
events, totally in their element. But I’m incredibly thankful for the
way my personality prompts me to take a deep dive with one person at a
time. We both love people, but we approach relationships in two
different yet valid ways.
4. Introverts aren’t leaders.
When we believe that introverts won’t ever be leaders, we rarely invest
in them or choose them as apprentices. But we’re mistaken when we
believe introverts can’t be powerful leaders.
In an article for the New York Times,
Susan Cain writes, “We tend to associate leadership with extroversion
and attach less importance to judgment, vision and mettle. We prize
leaders who are eager talkers over those who have something to say.”
Over at Forbes,
Victor Lipman shares five reasons introverts make excellent
executives—including the ability to listen, analyze and give measured,
risk-averse responses. The business world is beginning to recognize the
power of introversion in leadership. What about the church?
InIntroverts in the Church,
Adam McHugh addresses the pervasive overvaluing of extroversion in the
church. He explains that public expressions of faith are stressed,
especially emotional expressions that often feel inauthentic to
introverts. Further, he writes that modern evangelicals have “a hearing
problem,” where we preach and act before actually gaining a full
understanding of situations. We value the “doer over the thinker” and
full schedules over space and rest. And we expect our pastors to go
first in these values.
Yet Barna reported that one out of four pastors is an introvert, and Leadership Journal conducted a poll
where 37 percent of pastors self-reported as introverts. All the while,
we call our introverted pastors to act extroverted in a million little
ways. And rather than celebrate the way they lead as introverts, we
celebrate the ways they meet our extroverted expectations.
The truth is that there are many introverted leaders in your
church—in a variety of roles. Pastors who are able to deliver
enlightening messages after weeks of study may be introverted. Coaches
who are known for building deep, caring relationships may be introverts.
Group leaders who easily take a back seat as they facilitate discussion
so group members can share, process and discover God’s truth for
themselves may be introverts. Even more shocking, you may be an
introverted leader yourself. (You can take a free personality assessment and learn more about leading as an introvert.)
5. Introverts need to get out of their comfort zone to do ministry.
I recently heard a pastor speaking to his congregation about a need for
more greeters. “All you have to do is say ‘hi.’ Even you introverts
should be able to do that!” I cringed and sunk in my seat.
If you’re not an introvert, it may be difficult for you to recognize
that churches are constantly asking introverts to get out of their
comfort zone to do “real ministry.” We’re told to jump up and down and
clap our hands during a worship set filled with flashing lights and loud
drums. We’re expected to talk to as many people as we can during the
newcomers lunch. And it starts as kids: Youth group members are asked to
show their faith by being as loud and animated as possible at youth
rallies.
So please, the next time you ask an introvert to “just get out of
your comfort zone a little,” know that we are—in a million ways, every
single day, especially in the church. We’re no strangers to gulping as
we walk over to welcome a new person, and we’re trying our best to talk
to lots of people at the fellowship event. We know we’ll be exhausted
afterward, but we will do it in the name of ministry.
For once, though, let’s consider what introverts do really well when
it comes to ministry. Introverts pray quietly and earnestly with people
after service. They not only meet newcomers but really get to know them.
They teach us about the quieter, more contemplative spiritual
disciplines like fasting, solitude and journaling. They care deeply for
the group member who cries as she shares about her struggles. And many
introverts are busy behind the scenes scheduling, organizing and making
all those exciting ministry plans come to fruition.

Introverts in Your Group

If you haven’t already realized it, your small group is filled with
introverts—and that’s a good thing. It wouldn’t be the church if only
one type of person were represented. It wouldn’t be the body of Christ
if we all had the same strengths and functions. So in response to the
church leader’s question, “What should I do with the introverts in my
group?” I have a few suggestions:
1. Celebrate their strengths.
Whether it’s being a great listener, organizing the snack list,
mentoring group members one-on-one or contributing wisdom in group after
they’ve had time to process, learn to celebrate introverts—publicly.
Our culture and our churches are telling introverts that they’re not
enough in so many subtle ways that even the most headstrong introverts
begin to believe the lie after a while. Point out their strengths in
group, thank them for sharing their wisdom and help them see how they’re
contributing in valuable ways.
2. Watch what you say and do.
The message is subtle that extroversion is the ideal—but it’s constant.
When the pastor said even introverts should be able to handle saying
“hello,” he sent the message loud and clear—if you aren’t extroverted,
you better act like it if you want to do ministry. Comments like his,
even if they’re said in a joking tone, belittle and shame introverts and
continue unfair—and untrue—stereotypes.
Much of this messaging, though, is unintentional. As leaders, we must
be diligent in examining our words and actions for the unintended
messages they communicate. If you always choose extroverted apprentices,
you’re communicating that extroverts make better group leaders.
Similarly, if you joke about the quieter person being shy, you
communicate that talking is more important than listening. Recognize
that your intentions are good, but examine what you’re unintentionally
communicating.
Be part of the solution by intentionally communicating that silence
is OK and choosing introverts to lead in various ways. When you let
introverts take on leading responsibilities, you’ll empower others and
be a healthier leader as you focus on only a few responsibilities.
3. Step out of your comfort zone.
Introverts are constantly stepping out of their comfort zone to fit in,
especially in church. In fact, many introverts are so good at acting
extroverted that you may be surprised to learn they’re introverted. Show
solidarity by being willing to step outside of your comfort zone every
once in a while.
Invite a group member who is passionate about the more contemplative spiritual disciplines to lead a night of prayer stations or lectio divina for your group. Plan a group retreat that allots several hours for solitude. Intentionally work on your listening skills.
Spend an evening catching up with just one group member, focusing on
him or her, and asking follow-up questions without talking about
yourself.
My prayer is that in small groups we might celebrate both
introversion and extroversion, learn from one another, and affirm one
another in the unique ways God has made us.