Michael Nash, a third-year Berkeley student, has decided to end his eight-month relationship with Jamie Peters, a second-year Berkeley student and philosophy major.

“I just can’t take it anymore,” Nash lamented to a close friend. “Every time I ask her a simple question, like whether or not she is going to her discussion, she goes into a fifteen-minute rant about Descartes and some shit like that. I can’t even ask for a little play without listening to her talk about the ancient Greeks and their theories of metaphysics. I’m a freakin’ political science major GAA I can’t understand that shit at all. Or really, understand anything.”

When asked her opinion on the matter, Jamie choked back a tear and screamed, “You egotistical neo-modern Marxist sheep! Go back to your God!” She then ran away, probably muttering something about what Kant would have done.