Thursday, August 29, 2013

Ever see one of those trailers for a movie where the trailer ends up giving away a pretty important part of the movie? I imagine that if the trailer for Empire Strikes Back included that little tidbit about Dearth Vadar being Luke Skywalker's father was included, the movie would have lost a lot of impact and fans would have gone into the movie spoiled, confused, and maybe a little pissed off. I tend not to get too upset with spoilers. When you've killed as many brain cells as I have, you just can't dedicate that much mental capacity to avoiding them and being totally shocked by them. If I want to be totally shocked, I'll moon a passing police cruiser and wait for them to taze me in the nuts. I'm okay with a little shock, but only to the point that it doesn't make me piss myself.

Earlier today, CBR released a preview for X-men Battle of the Atom #1. It didn't reveal much. All it showed is yet another fucked up future where Sentinels use mutants for target practice and Iceman getting horny at the sight of a pretty girl. In addition, Newsarama released a preview of All New X-men #16, which is the second part of the 10-part Battle of the Atom saga and is set to be released on the same day. But the preview it reveals might just spoil a few details about what happens in Battle of the Atom #1. So I guess if you get turned on by getting tazed in the ass, you might want to go back to distracting yourself with old 90s porn. Otherwise, read on and let your mind entertain some dirty possibilities that may either turn you on or make you vomit.

The scene itself is no more fucked up than Marty McFly meeting his teenage parents. That shit is always good for a laugh or two. And Deadpool adds a third for good measure. It's the recap page that offers the most telling clue:

"But after young Cyclops was nearly killed in a Sentinel attack, rewriting history without him, the rest of the X-men resolved to send the time traveling teens back to where they came from."

So unless Brian Michael Bendis doesn't squeeze in another deal with Mephisto off-panel, I guess we can surmise what happens in X-men Battle of the Atom #1. An earlier preview already shows O5 Cyclops throwing himself into the line of fire. And who can blame him? He finds out that everybody hates him in the future. He's a wanted fugitive who ends up killing Charles Xavier. And the love of his life now hates his guts and is trying to hook up with one of his best friends. Hell, I'm surprised O5 Cyclops hasn't raided Wolverine's stash of hard liquor and drank himself to death yet. I knew if I found out that my future was that fucked I would drink myself to death too. Then again, I've been trying to do that for years and it has been slow going. So I guess he would need a more efficient method.

But now it looks like in putting himself in the line of fire, the X-men are about to find out what happens to them in a world without Cyclops. And based on this preview, we can surmise a few key spoilers. First and foremost, the future is fucked if there's no leader to lead the X-men through their darkest hours. Second, we can probably also surmise that Wolverine and Beast probably took turns banging Jean Grey while spitting on Cyclops's grave. That shit is a given. But this helps explain the source of this latest apocalyptic future. Because as much as everybody hates Cyclops now, they probably have already forgotten that he has led the X-men through some pretty nasty shit over the years. Without him, the X-men don't survive some of that shit. It may piss off Wolverine, Beast, and everyone else who ever fantasized about Jean Grey. But it's the cold hard truth.

I'm not sure if this counts as a spoiler, but it definitely creates a viable issue for the X-men to deal with. Their future is fucked yet again and the only way to fix it is to send the O5 X-men back to the past. But getting teenagers to do what is right is like trying to wipe a pitbulls ass when he's horny. It's a losing battle. And it promises to create a temporal clusterfuck that will make Battle of the Atom worthy of commemorating the 50th anniversary of the X-men. Nuff said!

Waiting for a big event in a comic book is like waiting for the weed to kick in. It's agonizing as hell, but if it's done right it's totally worth it. Several months ago, Marvel announced X-men Battle of the Atom, the event that celebrates the X-men's 50th anniversary. It's hard to believe that it has been nearly 50 years since Stan Lee and Jack Kirby teamed up and put together their collective brilliance to create one of the most awesome team of superheroes to ever exist. Sure, they totally ripped off Doom Patrol, but they only did what Apple does. They took something that already existed, made it ten times more awesome, and made a fuckton of money off it. That's success, bitches!

Not much has been revealed about Battle of the Atom beyond the typical shit we hear from every major Marvel event. It'll be big, blah blah. It'll change everything, blah blah. Someone's going to get killed and brought back, yada yada. The event itself is always more entertaining than listening to Marvel's talking heads play charades while trying to describe it. That or I just suck at charades. All we do know is that the event involves X-men from yet another apocalyptic future coming back to the present to tell the O5 that they need to get the fuck back to the past. It's actually more logical than it sounds. At least, it's as logical as any time travel story can sound without giving Dr. Who an aneurysm. It's actually following the recent precedent Marvel set with Age of Ultron in trying to make time travel have some actual consequences for once. Until recently, time travel was like knowing which hookers a senator was screwing. Nobody really had to worry about the laws of nature applying to them. Well now that shit is changing and it promises to bring the X-men of the past, present, and future together in a temporal orgy that would give Stephen Hawking a boner. And today, CBR released the first lettered preview pages.

So what can we glean from these previews? More than anything else, we can surmise that somebody fucked up the future again, Frank Cho's artwork is awesome no matter how big the boobs are on teenage girls, and Iceman is horny. I don't like to make predictions that don't involve fantasy football, but I'm going to surmise that Beast did something to fuck up again. He's the one that brought the O5 into the present. It makes sense that he'll be at least indirectly responsible for fucking up the future. Others have warned him about it and he has just brushed it off the same way that NSA brushes off the Constitution. I say it's about time his douche-baggery catches up with him. All he has done is bitch and moan about Cyclops while fucking up the space time continuum. He used to be so much more likable than that. I'll be shocked if I don't have more reasons to hate him after this. Next week can't get here fast enough. Good thing I've stocked up on sedatives! When you're this excited about an event, making the time go by faster is worth a little brain damage. Nuff said!

The following is my review of Justice League Dark #23, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Abstract concepts like evil are difficult to quantify in the same way
that it’s difficult to quantify the appeal of boy bands. There’s
nothing to count, measure, or touch. It’s like trying to determine the
flavor of water in that the concept itself has no depth. But it’s a
concept that is often at the center of many famous stories, going all
the way back to the days of Greek mythology. In that sense, it’s fitting
that the primary source of evil in DC’s latest event, “Trinity War”,
has been Pandora’s Box.

Even in the DC universe, evil that takes form and substance is
difficult to deal with. I’m sure Superman would much rather be punching
Brainiac’s head off than having to deal with being poisoned by some
ancient box that was literally shoved into his hands. Even for Superman,
a tangible object imbued with pure evil is too much to handle. In that
is a theme that has played out in many different ways throughout
“Trinity War”. And as Justice League Dark #23 demonstrates, such an object is too much for even the entire Justice League to handle.

Like foolish hikers that chase after a bear that just mauled a herd
of deer, the Justice League and the Justice League of America fight over
possession of Pandora’s Box. And not surprisingly, they had no better
luck at avoiding the influence of the box than Superman. It corrupts the
likes of Wonder Woman and Shazam, two heroes that, like Superman, are
supposed to be personifications of all things good. Yet this object that
isn’t much bigger than a laptop corrupts Earth’s most powerful heroes
to the point where a good portion of the comic consists of them fighting
over possession of the box. It’s like Lord of the Rings if Hobbits had
superpowers.

But “Trinity War” hasn’t just focused on ancient artifacts that can
corrupt angels and demigods. Other sources of corruption have emerged
within each respective league. Amanda Waller and the Justice League of
America may not be as evil as a sinister ancient box forged by actual
gods, but the corruption behind their heroics is every bit as damaging.
Now Waller’s intentions have been exposed for both leagues. She
organized the JLA to effectively counter the Justice League, right down
to picking heroes with certain abilities that would match or neutralize
certain members in the opposing league. She even had Firestorm learn to
make kryptonite with his powers. What makes it all the more distressing
to both leagues is that she did this in secret. And the JLA doesn’t take
too kindly to this revelation. I doubt anyone would blame Green Arrow
for threatening to shoot Waller with one of his non-boxing glove arrow.

This kind of hidden agenda is something that is only possible under
the guise of corruption. However, it’s not the same corruption caused by
Pandora’s Box. The entire conflict behind “Trinity War” has been fueled
by suspicion and paranoia about how supremely powerful beings such as
Superman can be controlled if they ever became corrupt. It’s a very real
and logical concern for those who aren’t more powerful than a
locomotive. And to an extent, Amanda Waller was vindicated at the
beginning of “Trinity War” when Superman was corrupted by Pandora’s Box.
Like Dean Rooney in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, she was right in the grand scheme of things.

Waller may claim ignorance in the face of hostility from both the
Justice League and the JLA, but on some levels she has to know that she
was right. Superman was corrupted and because of that, he may have
killed someone. Even though it was revealed several issues ago that
there is another sinister force working behind the scenes, it is still a
clear manifestation of Waller’s concerns. If there was no plan in place
to deal with a corrupted Superman, who or what could possibly stop him?
He’s Superman and his power is nothing short of god-like. Yet he’s not a
god in that he can be corrupted, as Pandora’s Box has shown. So why
shouldn’t there be a plan in place to deal with him and his team of
demigods?

While this recourse makes intuitive sense, it too is prone to
corruption. And that’s exactly how it plays out in this issue. Each
Justice League team fights for control of Pandora’s Box, getting
corrupted along the way, until they eventually reach Madam Xanadu, who
was imprisoned before she could uncover the secrets of Pandora’s Box.
She is the one that finally reveals the source behind the power of the
box. This also leads to the reveal of the sinister figure who has been
manipulating all three leagues from the beginning. And at this point, he
doesn’t even need to hide anymore. The damage has been done and he
didn’t even have to do that much. Unlike Lex Luthor, this nameless
figure works smart and lets heroes destroy themselves so he doesn’t have
to. It may seem like a lazier form of evil, but there’s no denying its
effectiveness.

This is the most telling message of “Trinity War”. In attempting to
create a balance of power between the Justice League and the JLA, both
sides became corrupted. Paranoia and fear created the circumstances
under which Pandora’s Box could be so effective. It didn’t have to be an
object of pure evil. It just needed to give these heroes the right
nudge to start attacking one another. In doing so, the corruption
ensured that they couldn’t figure out whom or what they were dealing
with until it was too late.

Justice League Dark #23 offers a painful lesson about what
happens when corruption blinds otherwise good people. Even superheroes
with all their power end up playing into the hands of a skilled
manipulator. The scale of the conflict and the potential for it to get
worse help this issue up the stakes in “Trinity War” to extreme levels.
It also shows that while kryptonite is Superman’s greatest weakness,
corruption is the greatest weakness to every hero, no matter how
powerful they are

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Grab yourself a bottle of Jack Daniels and put on a helmet because you're about to read a review written by a raving drunk. You'll either be brought to tears or you'll be pissed the fuck off by what you read. I make no guarantees that what I say will make sense. I also can't promise that anyone outside the crazy voices in my head will believe a word of it. But fuck it, that's the fun of getting drunk and reviewing comics. You can always count on being able to offer a more twisted perspective. So don't expect to be enlightened all that much. Expect to be disgusted, offended, and possibly turned on by my review of Uncanny Avengers #11. If enough people are outraged or crying tears of joy by the end of this review, I'll know I have done my job.

This issue already promises to cause plenty of outrage. Uriel and Eimin, the Apocalypse Twins, clearly never learned from Doctor Doom why it's a bad idea to fuck with a woman who can make reality her bitch on a whim because they go out of their way to outrage the Scarlet Witch. And they do so by throwing another unpleasant revelation from Wolverine's activities in Uncanny X-Force into the mix. During the uber epic Dark Angel Saga, the sleepy town of Tucker Creek, Montana got blown the fuck up by Archangel to make way for Tabula Rasa, his own personal evolutionary petri dish. Yet somehow Wolverine managed to keep this shit under wraps, probably blaming Hydra or aliens on it. I imagine in the Marvel universe blaming Hydra or aliens is the same as Fox News blaming everything on President Obama. It's sad how well it works.

But like an earlier issue of Uncanny Avengers, Rick Remender goes out of his way to tie in the details of his Uncanny X-Force run into this story. It's a synergy so beautiful that it would bring a German geneticist to tears. For the Scarlet Witch, however, it's anything but beautiful. It's fucking horrific because she understands that if the public knew that a mutant high on evolution did this, then mutants would be fucked and Richard Dawkins would be tarred and feathered. It's a brilliant mind-fuck on the part of the Apocalypse Twins, but it's not done out of pure pwnage. They are not in a flame war on a message board. They actually do have a plan that they want to accomplish and they need the Scarlett Witch to succeed.

There's a lot of talking that follows, but it's not the kind of talking you hear in an economics lecture by Ben Stein. Usually comics that have a fuckton of dialog tend to get boring very easily, but not Uncanny Avengers #11. The Apocalypse Twins don't just give Wanda this long winded speech about how mutants are fucked and how peace with humans is less likely than Ozzy Osborne becoming a Mormon. They actually go over all the different philosophies of major X-men over the years. They talk about Magneto's old ideology about making humanity the bitch of mutant kind, they talk about Charles Xavier's desire for peace, and they even talk about Apocalypse who just thought survival of the fittest would sort all this shit out. It's not just a nice refresher course for readers not versed in Wikipedia. It makes a valid point.

One thing that all these ideologies have in common is how spectacularly they failed. The twins have a painfully valid point. In the long run, they're all fucked. And they reveal that because of this failure, Kang saw mutants as an obstacle to his conquest in the future. So like any rebellious adopted children, the Apocalypse Twins gave Kang the finger and came up with their own plan to save the mutant race. To do that, they propose that they create their own world. It may reek of the old Asteroid M plot that Magneto tried, but unlike old buckethead, the Apocalypse Twins aren't looking to slaughter the human race. They just want to live in peace separately. They could have just given the old Hans Gruber speech about how they're so evil and badass that the Uncanny Avengers have no hopes of stopping them. But they're not stupid enough to spit in the face of John McClane or the Scarlet Witch. They actually try to convince her that what they're doing is best for both mutants and humans.

And to add even more incentive to the Scarlett Witch, they give her a brief peak into the future as to just how fucked mutants will be if they stayed. Rick Remender pulls off another beautiful act of synergy here when he brings up the Red Skull, who is currently armed with Charles Xavier's brain. At the end of the first arc, there was a quick teaser about him turning into a Red Skull version of Onslaught. Mixing the Red Skull with Onslaught is like mixing Nazis with the aliens in Independence Day. It's overkill to the billionth degree. And with the revelation about what happened to Tucker Creek, the public would be more than willing to listen to the ravings of a Nazi. They're just that fucked.

The Apocalypse Twins show the Scarlett Witch how Onslaught slaughter's all the heroes on Earth. They even throw in that he uses her to succeed, ensuring that she'll be fucked worse than a Bangkok transvestite hooker on New Years no matter what she does. The only way for her to escape it is to help the Apocalypse Twins effectively rapture all the mutants off the planet with her powers. It's not "no more mutants" as much as it is "fuck this, I'm out of here." It's a method makes a painful amount of sense and she knows it. The Apocalypse Twins don't even force her. They say it's her choice, claiming they already have a power source for her to tap in casting the spell. They don't mention that this power source is Wonder Man, who is being detained and tormented by the Grim Reaper, but I guess they have to have some sort of dick move in the mix. They just wouldn't be apocalyptic enough if they weren't. I guess the question remains is saving the mutant race more important than Wonder Man, a character that the Scarlett Witch used to have the hots for? It's the ultimate conflict between saving the future and saving the guy who once made her panties wet. I imagine it's still a touch choice.

The Apocalypse Twins do most of the talking at first, but they're not the only ones to carry on. Rogue and Sunfire have an extended conversation as well. It's not nearly as insightful or as engaging as the speech the Apocalypse Twins gave the Scarlet Witch. But it does have its place. It offers a nice moment of character interaction between these two and they sort of need it. Anyone who killed too many brain cells between now and 2005 may forget that Rogue had absorbed Sunfire for quite some time. He was stuck in her head and he lost his fucking legs the last time he dealt with Apocalypse. And he's trying to basically not be a pussy anymore after being MIA for so long. It's a nice little moment where Rogue essentially boosts his confidence before they head off into battle to join the others. But a woman as beautiful as Rogue doesn't need to say much. She could have just as easily shown Sunfire her tits and that probably would have psyched him up enough to take on the Apocalypse Twins. I guess it works just as well to have a meaningful conversation, but it still doesn't have quite the same impact as the Apocalypse Twins or Rogue's tits.

The conversation between Wolverine and Daken is a lot more engaging and for someone like Daken, that can have some pretty fucked up implications. There's not as much talking in their encounter as there is stabbing. But I guess for Wolverine, that's the same as a father playing video games with his son. There's some nice inner lamenting here where Wolverine tries to convince himself that this isn't his son. It's just some corpse that the Apocalypse Twins reanimated, making it easier for him to justify drowning it again. But that doesn't stop Daken from taunting his old man like a recovering anorexic at an all you can eat buffet.

And like the Apocalypse Twins, his words are pretty damn effective. He reminds Wolverine at how he murdered his own son. He conveniently left out how he still condemns Cyclops as a murderer, but I guess that's besides the point. He just taunts him by saying how he believed that his father would try to save him and try to reform him so that he's not some unapologetic douche-bag who will fuck anything with a pulse. It clearly gets to him because Daken is able to stab and wound his ass without much effort. Well, maybe that's a poor choice of words, but Daken still makes his point. He makes Wolverine feel like shit in that he failed as a father and he even stabs him in the face for good measure. Again, probably a poor choice of words, but I'm sure slash fanfiction writers can fill in the blanks.

All these battles are very personal, but there's still room in Uncanny Avengers for good old fashioned demigod style brawls. There really doesn't have to be that much talking in a fight between Thor and Sentry. These are two supremely powerful men who could split the moon in have just by humping the ground with a hard-on. Sentry hit Thor so hard in the previous issue that he landed on an alien planet light years away. Yet that still wasn't enough to subdue Thor. He's probably split a few moons with his dick in the past as well. He was the one that beat Sentry before during Siege. But kicking a man's ass the second time is like giving a supermodel multiple orgasms a second time. It takes a bit more effort and the other party is more prepared.

Sentry was never much of a talker when he was alive so it's somewhat fitting that he does his share of taunting as well. And like Daken, his is effective in that it's mixed with some pretty hard-hitting pwnage. He talks about how Thor knocked his ass into the sun where he was disintegrated on a molecular level. But then the Apocalypse Twins brought him back and freed him from the endless cycle of mind-fucking that he endured in real life with the Void. Now he's both free from his mind-fuck and able to kick ass without giving a fuck. He even does a Scorpion-style face rip to show that the Apocalypse Twins have done more than upgrade him from the feeble yet overpowered guy he once was. They turned him into a walking incarnation of death. With that power, he's able to down Thor before he can throw him into another sun or give multiple orgasms to another supermodel. It's the perfect act of revenge pwnage.

The Uncanny Avengers are getting their asses kicked and their minds fucked over at every turn. It's not looking good for them in the slightest and the Apocalypse Twins aren't about to let this victory boner fade. Havok, Wasp, and Captain America are still at large and Cap just happens to be armed with some future knowledge courtesy of Kang. The Apocalypse Twins may have given him the finger for wanting to get mutants out of the way, but like any vindictive parent, Kang is prepared to teach them a harsh lesson about respecting parental authority. That lesson will have to come soon because before the remaining Avengers can do anything, the Apocalypse Twins make the same pitch to the world that they made to the Scarlett Witch. They announce that they're ready to separate mutants and humans completely. They don't threaten global genocide or destruction. They don't even threaten to rob a bank. They just want to save their kind while leaving the rest of humanity the fuck alone with their spray cheese in a can and reality TV.

In addition to the world, this message is heard by other factions of the X-men and the Avengers. They don't say anything, but their mere appearance helps give the story a more epic feel. It seems as though Marvel doesn't get the other teams involved unless it's part of some big, overhyped event that they can use to make 50 variant covers on. Well this is just another arc and it feels every bit as epic without Joe Quesada and Axel Alonso having to tattoo release dates on their asses. Given how burned out a lot of fans are from all these overhyped events, I'm sure many will find it refreshing.

The sheer scale of the Apocalypse Twins and their plan is nicely summed up towards the end. Rick Remender really made his run on Uncanny X-Force awesome by utilizing a perfect blend of convergence, character moments, and bloody action that probably gives the douche-bags at the FCC nightmares. It has taken a while for that sort of awesome to emerge in the pages of Uncanny Avengers. He actually has made the Apocalypse Twins look both competent and pragmatic in their approach. In the end it seems they actually manage to convince the Scarlett Witch to help them. But given how she has a tendency to fuck up anyone who tries to manipulate her power, I think it's safe to assume that this will not end well for them.

I confess I honestly didn't think that Uncanny Avengers could get more epic than it already was. I mean how the fuck do you step it up in a comic that has Thor fighting Sentry while Wolverine gets his ass kicked by his omnisexual bastard son? Well Rick Remender found a way and I'm still wiping the tears of joy from my eyes. This issue didn't just move the plot with the Apocalypse Twins forward. It made it feel like a major event that encompassed the entire Marvel universe. And this time Marvel didn't even have to make a variant cover with Emma Frost in a bikini on it. That's awesome on a level that has few equals. That's why I give Uncanny Avengers #11 a 9 out of 10. If your panties aren't soaked or your briefs aren't encrusted with semen after reading this book, then check into the nearest hospital because you're partially comatose. Yes, it's THAT awesome. Nuff said!

I'm here to review comics and fuck bitches and since I'm out of bitches at the moment, I guess I'll review comics. I guess I should have some sort of parental warning on this blog or something. I guess I should advise everyone here that I like to say fuck a lot and I tend to use comics as yet another excuse to get wasted, as if I needed anymore. But fuck warnings. All they ever do is let kids know that this shit is too awesome for their parents. So I'm just going to say fuck it and enjoy my full review of Uncanny X-men #11. If you're a pussy and don't like listening to drunks, you should probably go back to watching the Disney channel and take bets on which teen star will become as fucked up as Miley Cyrus.

This issue was already set up with a pretty awesome premise in Uncanny X-men #10 when Cyclops and his revolutionary X-men decided to drop in on a rare pro-mutant rally in Ann Arbor, Michigan. That and I'm sure they would make time to drop in on a frat party and hook up with some hot co-eds. It was a great moment because the idea of humans rallying in favor of mutants is akin to a gay pride parade in Saudi Arabia. It was a great moment that showed how Cyclops's revolution was resonating, at least with gullible college students with too much access to weed and booze. Hey, it's a start.

That issue ended predictably with an attack from a killer robot in hopes of shitting on Cyclops's new hipness with the young folks. Killer robots do tend to be a major buzzkill for any college student, second only to midterm exams. This issue picks up with that attack and even adds something extra to the mix, having Cyclops narrate the whole affair. I know this may annoy the piss out of some readers who thought Chris Claremont spoiled these inner monologue type gimmicks for a generation, but I say fuck those readers because this gives a more personal touch to the attack. Cyclops isn't just intent on destroying the Sentinel. He's intent on protecting the humans who dare to support them and that adds an extra element of bravado, which is saying something for a guy who boned both Emma Frost and Jean Grey.

Even with Cyclops offering some insight, battles against Sentinels tend to be as predictable as the Cleveland Browns failing to compete for a Superbowl. Shit starts flying and people start freaking the fuck out. And since some of these college students are probably stoned, it's all the more terrifying. But beyond the usual acts of Emma Frost turning diamond and Magik playing the role of hot teenage girl version of Nightcrawler, the younger revolutionaries get to play a part as well. It wasn't too long ago that these same kids were shitting themselves when they had to go up against Dormammu and the minions of Limbo. Well after that shit, a killer robot hardly warrants a wet fart. So it's refreshing to see characters like Tempus and Hijack flex their new mutant muscle.

As refreshing as this is, the spectacle of the battle ignores an important detail. Cyclops mentions in his musings how he never thought he would live to see the day that humans would be supporting mutants. It's kind of a big deal for him. Yet that big ass rally we saw in the previous issue kind of just disappeared. I get that college kids tend to start running when giant robots or DEA agents show up, but unless you're painfully sober, you don't see too many of these kids fleeing. You don't even get the impression that there was a rally. I don't know if that's just shitty organization or flat artwork, but it basically pisses away that one compelling aspect of humans supporting mutants that the last issue established.

Even with the civilians being nowhere in sight, the Sentinel proves to be a real bitch. Hitting it is like listing facts to a creationist. It does nothing to change how much of a bitch it is. Even Goldball, the pussy who left the X-men after Limbo proved to be too much for them, tries to redeem himself and attacks. It doesn't do much so his reputation as a pussy is still in place. At least he's trying.

In the process of attacking, the Stepford Sisters gain some information about this new Sentinel. It's not quite a killer robot, but it's not quite a killer zombie either. It's something in between, like a Terminator except it didn't appear bare ass naked and steal clothes from a hobo. It doesn't offer much information other than this is an advanced Sentinel and it's not like we don't already have a fuckton of those in the X-men comics. But seeing as how the upcoming Battle of the Atom event will deal with shit from the future, maybe it's a hint of the shit storm to come. If so, there are few hints to suspect as such so drunks like me have little to work with.

Now you would think that a killer robot attacking an American college campus would raise a few eyebrows and you would be right. After all, these kids are the future of this country and their student loan debt ensures they'll be subservient workers and America can never have enough of those. Maria Hill, who has had a pussy boner out for arresting Cyclops since this series began, is pretty pissed off by this development. And apparently SHIELD doesn't like Michigan that much because they don't even have a SHIELD base in the area. Either they had some shitty budget cuts or Michigan is every bit as fucked in the Marvel universe as it is in the real world. I'm guessing it's a little of both.

But Maria Hill just went through the trouble of hiring a new mutant liaison to handle mutant issues like this in Dazzler. To this point she hasn't done much other than blow up Goldball's house, piss off his parents, and do absolutely jack shit when Cyclops came to rescue Goldball when he was illegally detained. And while an American college is under attack, she happens to be in Madripoor. But it's not for the sushi, the drugs, and the hookers.

Madripoor has come up in another one of Bendis's X-books. In a recent issue of All New X-men, Mystique tried to flat out buy Madripoor with a mountain of money that made Madam Hydra cream her panties. The deal went to shit and naturally, it kicked up a shit storm in Madripoor that Dazzler was sent to investigate. It's not her fault that some douche-bag decided to attack a college at the same time. But not much else really comes from her in that she just watches as Madam Hydra has a meeting with the Hand, which ends up turning into a blood bath. In Madripoor, that's the British equivalent of tea time at four. All Dazzler does is watch and let these two evil bastards maim each other. While I think Dazzler's role has been pretty useless thus far, I won't deny that I envy her. Watching two evil organizations kill each other in the Marvel universe is probably akin to a Breaking Bad marathon on Netflix.

It's not like Cyclops wants help from SHIELD anyway. Who would want help from the assholes trying to arrest him? So in an effort to show the human supporters that their Marxist support of his revolution was well placed, he goes all out and tries to blast the Sentinel to dust. Now maybe that would have worked prior to Avengers vs. X-men, but his powers are still broken and he's still struggling to work around it. It makes for a nice spectacle in that it shows how much this affects Cyclops because he can't be the same badass guy that used to see Emma Frost naked on a regular basis. And it still doesn't work, leaving him weak and vulnerable to the point where it looks like he'll become a martyr after all. But seeing as how he's not being played by James Marsden at the moment, that doesn't happen. His young X-men still find a way to fight back and look pretty damn badass in the process.

It's not until Magneto shows up that they finally get the edge over this sentinel. He must have taken his sweet time getting back from his little meeting with Maria. For all we know, he stopped at a strip club in Detroit along the way because his appearance is pretty random. In the same way this issue really lacked the details surrounding the human supporters and Dazzler doing jack shit in Madripoor, Magneto might as well be that guy who pulls the fire alarm in a college dorm during finals week just to wake everyone up. It's a dick move and one that disrupts the flow of the action. It's also worth pointing out that his powers are broken too, yet he manages to destroy the Sentinel through some trick that looks like it involves mosquitoes or sewing needles. It's hard to tell because the scene is so poorly detailed I might as well be reading it through drunk goggles, which is tough when you're already drunk.

It effectively ends the battle, but it's a weak victory if anything. We still don't see much of the other protesters that Cyclops had been speaking too earlier. It would have been nice if he offered at least some level of assurance that his X-men can protect them whenever Magneto doesn't decide to take his sweet ass time. But that's another detail that gets lost. The team just catches their breath and scratches their head in confusion since they really don't know who the fuck sent this Sentinel or why it's fucking with them. And that's the biggest problem with this issue.

I bring up the lack of details repeatedly because this issue leaves way too many blanks and there's only so many that a drunk can fill. Cyclops mentions in his monologue how the Sentinels are stalking him and someone is trying to fuck up his revolution. Well that shit is a given. Cyclops made a fuckton of enemies at the end of Avengers vs. X-men so there are any number of people who would want to fuck him over in ways that Emma Frost never could, but beyond that there isn't much to go on. It just ends up being another Sentinel attack and in X-men comics, that's basically the same as Captain America punching a Nazi. It doesn't have the impact it used to.

That's not to say there aren't some hints. The very last page reveals the mysterious figure who has been controlling the Sentinels, but there's not fucking hint of who he/she/it even is. It just looks like a bad Iron Man cos-player. There's no teaser or clue. This guy might as well be the same guy I know who makes crystal meth in his basement and shoots squirrels with a shotgun in his spare time. There really isn't much to go on here and for anyone who doesn't read comics sober, it leads to a lot of fucked up possibilities. And Marvel should know better than to let readers contemplate too many fucked up possibilities. That's the kind of thing that leads to bad slash fanfiction and crazy shit like Spider-Man making deals with the devil. Okay, bad example.

X-men fighting sentinels is like Indiana Jones fighting Nazis. It's as basic as you can get without Harrison Ford running from a giant boulder. You would think after all this time that Marvel would have run out of ideas on how to make X-men fighting Sentinels compelling, but I guess they just have access to much better weed than I do. The action in this issue was compelling because we got to see how pissed Cyclops was about it every step of the way. But the utter lack of details keep it from being as compelling as it could have been. And because of that, I can only give Uncanny X-men #11 a 6 out of 10. It's a very personal story that lacks some major details, but at the very least it reminds readers of why Cyclops was able to seduce both Jean Grey and Emma Frost. For that, he deserves respect and envy. Nuff said!

I know I'm early with my update for X-men Supreme this week, but I
felt I was overdue for something like this. Some recent changes to my
travel plans require that I tweak my update schedule for this fanfiction
series in order to maintain my commitment to updating X-men Supreme on
a regular, predictable basis. So I've worked overtime to make sure the
latest issue of the X-men Supreme fanfiction series is ready a few days
early this time. And I'm happy to say that I've succeeded and I hope
some treat it as a pleasant surprise.

It's a time of emotional upheavals and volatile circumstances in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. Psylocke has joined the X-men, Magneto is making his move, and Rogue
is going through some personal issues. The X-men are going through
another adjustment period and so are their allies and enemies. This has
led to Rogue making a
fateful decision that promises to have significant implications for her
and mutants everywhere in the world of X-men Supreme. Controlling
mutant powers is the cornerstone of the conflict between humans and
mutants. It is also the guiding force behind General Grimshaw's initiative with the Mutant Security Agency. In this new arc, control and chaos will clash. And as is often the case, Magneto
will look to exploit it. With that in mind, I'm proud to give the
wonderful readers an early release of this latest issue of the X-men
Supreme fanfiction series.

In addition, I have another quick update to the pics section. I know I already added Psylocke to the X-ladies
section, but I actually had more pics that I wanted to add with that
update. However, I didn't have time and had to cut the update short. I
managed to add more this time around. I'm trying to do a better job of
keeping up with the pics section, especially since Psylocke is going to play such a major role in the future of X-men Supreme. Others will come as well, but all in due time. Enjoy!

Emotions are running high in X-men Supreme and the stakes
are getting higher. I don't want to give too much away, but a big event
is on the horizon that I hope to get to in time for the X-men's
upcoming 50th anniversary. The recent developments within the X-men and
with Magneto and
his Brotherhood of Mutants are paving the way for a very important
moment in the history of this fanfiction series. This issue will set
into motion the events that lead to this moment. So it's very important
that readers take the time to provide feedback for this and every issue
of the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. Please post your comments in the issue or contact me
directly. Either way is fine as long as you take the time to review. As
always, I deeply appreciate those who have supported this fanfiction
series. I hope it continues. Until next time, take care and best wishes!
Excelsior!

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

For some reason back in the early 90s, it was decided by a bunch of heroin-addicted dope-heads that love was no longer "cool." Love in movies and love in comics became the kind of shit you only tolerated in hopes that it would get a woman horny enough to bone. Now I don't know who the fuck decided this or why the fuck people agreed to it. But it has led to a generation of shitty love stories that have affected how relationships in comics are portrayed.

Now anyone who has followed this blog in a soberish state of mind knows I tend to make Twilight jokes every now and then. However, I don't deny that Twlight has made a metric fuckton of money and has channeled the hormones of millions of fans, most of them probably women. Guys like me can make jokes about how lame and gay the Twilight saga was, but at the end of the day Stephanie Meyer, Kirsten Stewart, and Robert Pattinson can laugh all the way to the bank and shit in gold toilets while bloggers like me are stuck shitting in his neighbors basement because a plumber is too fucking expensive.

The love story in Twilight was cliched, gimmicky, mushy, and utterly unrealistic. Now every woman seems to want every guy to be Edward fucking Cullen in that she wants to be the complete center of a man's attention. To hell with whatever else they may have a passion for, they want a super-powered, super-attractive rich pretty boy to take care of them. For men, that would be like wanting to have a woman who looked like a perpetual 22-year-old Pamela Anderson whose sole purpose in life was to refine her blow-job techniques on them and them alone. My point is this is an unreasonable standard and it shows in comics.

I've done more than my share of ranting on relationships in my reviews. And no matter how drunk they may be, I stand by them. Even before Twilight became the object of every tween's obsession, romance in comic books was subdued. It was always secondary to battles against giant robots, monsters, and killer aliens. And that makes sense because that tends to be what resonates with young men. They like seeing shit blow up and they like seeing women with big tits. If romance somehow works its way into the story, then that's okay. Contrary to popular belief, men do have a taste for romance. But it's secondary. And men will embrace that romance if it makes the story more compelling in between explosions. Case and point, Superman and Wonder Woman.

And panties everywhere became very moist.

This romance actually got national attention because until recently, it was just fodder for fanfiction authors and ideas about superhero sex. But DC decided to do something different with their New 52 and give this couple that had always been hinted at a chance. They didn't go the Twilight route. It wasn't love at first sight and there was no creepy obsession. Superman didn't loom over Wonder Woman's bed at night watching her sleep and Wonder Woman didn't tattoo his name on her inner thigh. In fact, it's a relationship that has been somewhat underdeveloped because it always is secondary to the other shit that goes on in Justice League and their respective comics. Again, DC understands that a lot of young readers still respond to shit blowing up and killer aliens.

Then recently, DC announced that they were going to start a Superman/Wonder Woman series. And rather than be a secondary side-plot in Justice League, this relationship would actually take center stage. It's something comics haven't done in a while. The last comic that really focused on romance was Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane, a comic so watered down that might as well have been packaged with a My Little Pony toy. It wasn't billed as a mature relationship. But Superman/Wonder Woman is supposed to change that.

You'll never see them discuss webbing condoms in this series.

According to DC's Charles Soule and Tony Daniel, Superman/Wonder Woman is supposed to explore their relationship both in and out of costume. Because beyond only a few issues, Superman and Wonder Woman haven't really been shown developing as a normal couple. In fact, very few superheroes show that sort of development. Not since the early days of Cyclops/Jean or Peter/Mary Jane have comics taken time to show how these relationships become the epic love stories that lead to so much smut fanfiction on the internet. It's a major change of pace, which lead Tony Daniel to say at the Toronto Fan Expo recently that, "he was looking for something that appeals to women, "that hits on the Twilight audience." Well apparently, that was a very poor choice of words because the mere mention of Twilight to comic book fans is like mentioning President Obama to the Tea Party crowd. They really don't need much to go ape-shit. And for some reason, it required an article by Newsarama to clear things up.

One of DC Comics' top-tier artists said publicly that he wanted his next comic to be something that appeals to women, so female comic fans and their supporters should be ecstatic, right?

Well… not necessarily, especially when the words "Twilight" and "romance" are involved.

At a panel during Toronto's Fan Expo this past weekend, former Batman writer/artist Tony Daniel was describing the type of book he wanted to draw for his next project, saying he was looking for something that appeals to women, "that hits on the Twilight audience." He said his newest comic, Superman/Wonder Woman, fit the bill.

"I mentioned maybe, can we create a book that targets a little bit more of the female readership that’s been growing? And maybe a book that has a little bit of romance in it, a little bit of sex appeal, you know, something that would, for lack of a better example, that hits on the Twilight audience," Daniel said he told his editors. "Millions of people went to see those [Twilight films] in the theaters because [they had] those kind of, you know, subject matter: the drama, the characterization with love triangles and forbidden love...

"Literally, a month later they asked me, 'Hey, what do you think of Superman/Wonder Woman?' And I think it took all of maybe three seconds for me to say, 'Yeah, that’s great. Let’s do that.' Because that’s exactly what I was describing that we need," Daniel said.

In current DC stories, Superman and Wonder Woman are involved in a relationship, and the Superman/Wonder Woman that launches in October (from Daniel and writer Charles Soule) will incorporate their burgeoning relationship.

Although the comic should be highly anticipated, since it stars two of DC's best-selling characters, the Twilight reference didn't sit well with some people in the internet comics community. In fact, it got enough of a reaction that The Hollywood Reporter picked up the story.

Some wondered if Daniel meant that Wonder Woman herself "pulls in the Twilight demo." Others worried that the statement implied women only want to read romances. "I’m headdesking at how the thought process is to go to the automatic idea that women just want romance," blogger Ami Angelwings wrote.

On the self-described "girl geek" fan site The Mary Sue, a blogger noted that a fan at the panel who called herself "Liz" asked a follow-up question about whether DC was only making the book romantic in its appeal to women.

After a joke about drawing "butt shots" of Superman, Daniel clarified that Wonder Woman is "very strongly written, she’s not, you know, I mean she holds her own. And you’re going to like the interaction between Superman and Wonder Woman as well as their private lives, Diana and Clark. I mean, we have a lot of fun with their interactions and we’re going to have that drama. And on different levels, there’s a lot of layers to it that make it, you know, a little bit more of a more enjoyable book for me to draw and I’m sure for Charles. We’re both doing something kind of new with this, so it has a perfect recipe, I think, and it’s something I really want to do. I really think you’re going to like it a lot. Let me know. Just get on Facebook, let me know."

The fan wasn't convinced, and she wrote about it on a blog on io9. She also told The Mary Sue, "I know I don’t speak for every woman, but I think I can with this statement: All we want are good, well written characters and stories."

This is the second time this week that disdain for Twilight has shown up on comic book sites, as many fans reacted to a redesign of the DC character Lobo by comparing his look to Twilight vampire Edward Cullen. "Maybe he will sparkle too," one fan posted.

But to be fair, the creators behind Superman/Wonder Woman have made it clear over the last few months since the project was announced that their book is not just a romance. In June, Newsarama asked writer Soule about the dangers of writing a comic that's only based around two characters in a romance, and he answered:

"It's not the next Before Midnight movie. The book is, at its heart, a huge, epic, action-filled story. I mean, you have to have that with these characters, with the things these people can do, what these characters are outfittedly capable of, and then the types of guys that come gunning for them. It's going to be huge. I wouldn't necessarily want to write or read a book that was them sitting in the back of a taxi having an argument or something like that.

The stories will be written on a scale that befits these characters. But at the same time, I personally think it's fascinating to think about what they would say to each other, what they talk about, the way they have different approaches to solving the world's problems. I think that's grounds that have been sometimes explored here and there — I mean, there are books that have walked down this sort of path — but I think there's a lot more that can be said. And that's one of the things that really interested me about the project in the first place. And I look forward to exploring it."

Daniel also told Newsarama:

"To be honest, I'm a pretty happy camper with this book, because it fits all my interests and tells a good story. All the things I'll be drawing and the story we're telling here is really almost tailor-made for me. I'm just really excited to get the chance to do these characters and all the different types of moments I'm going to be able to do, and each character's development, and the drama between the characters. I love that kind of stuff. I love to read it. And now I get to draw that, as well as the big action set pieces, and these gigantic battles we have with shared villains and new villains.

"It's just a really big, intergalactic, Christmas kind of thing. I can just go to town and have a blast with it."

So let me see if I can process this shit in a semi-sober mind...DC wants to do something that appeals to more than just the typical male readers who only want big boobs and explosions. So they create a book centered around a relationship between their two most popular characters because as Twilight has shown, romance does resonate with a certain crowd of women. And somehow they're assholes for doing that? That's like getting pissed at your accountant for using a calculator.

Now maybe referencing Twilight wasn't very smart because fans by default scoff at Twilight the same way they scoff at Michael Bay movies, ignoring of course that they both make a fuck-ton of money. But the logic is not flawed. Fans actually do care a lot about these characters and that extends to whoever they're hooking up with. That's why fans can get so pissed off when Marvel completely erases the Spider-Man/Mary Jane relationship from history or when they just randomly hook two characters up for no reason.

Case and point.

And this is a big problem. It seems that comics these days don't give enough fucks to actually develop romantic relationships between characters. They either have to just hook them up randomly, have them bone like extras on a porno set, or try to break them up. There's no middle ground. There's nothing deeper. That has been Marvel's biggest problem and one DC hasn't done much better on until recently. It seemed like the only thing Marvel could do with relationships is try to break them up or just conjure some epic love story that happened off-panel, namely the bullshit Storm/Black Panther relationship. And when that approach is taken, we get relationships that have about as much depth as an episode of Two and a Half Men. That is to say there's no real romance. It's just phony drama and masturbation fodder for fans.

This did not end well for them or for Charlie Sheen.

Now I know I don't come off as much of a romantic on this blog. And because romance just isn't "cool" in the eyes of today's cynical hipster douche-bag, we're not going to get the kinds of stories that show more developed relationships. In a ways, only Superman and Wonder Woman can pull it off at this point because they both have such a high profile. One just had a movie that grossed over $600 million and the other is the epitome of a female superhero, albeit one that has been screwed out of a movie to the point where we'll see Rocket Racoon before we see her on the big screen. But I digress.

The point is that Superman and Wonder Woman have a chance to do the kind of shit that we never saw with Cyclops/Emma Frost or Storm/Black Panther. DC can actually try and take the time to show how these two characters come together and develop a relationship that can't be summed up within a single episode of a shitty sitcom. And if some women take offense to DC trying this shit after Twilight made so much fucking money from it, then I have only one question. What the fuck is the alternative? Were these women really satisfied with how relationships like Cyclops/Emma or Storm/Black Panther were portrayed? If so, then why the fuck didn't they support them to the same extent they supported Twilight? My point is these pissed off female fans have nobody to blame but themselves.

At the end of the day, romance in comics will continue to be secondary for as long as young men keep buying them more than women. But women have shown with Twilight that they can and will fork over huge chunks of cash for a love story that they feel resonates with them. And DC is trying to do that while Marvel continues to have its dick stuck in the same hose, only focusing on romance when it involves breaking two characters up or having them bone. I, for one, applaud DC for making this bold leap. I really do hope that female fans respond to it because I don't care for the current status quo when it comes to romance in comics. I don't want to see anymore Cyclops/Emma or Storm/Black Panther relationships. We don't need that kind of overt titillation in the age of internet porn.

It's up to you, ladies. It's either this or more of Emma Frost's tits.

So here's to hoping that Superman/Wonder Woman successful to the point where fans can stop citing Twilight as the only type of epic love story. In the same way no good can ever come from women expecting their boyfriends to be Edward Cullen, no good can ever come from comics treating relationships like a fling with Charlie Sheen. Nuff said!

Friday, August 23, 2013

X-men has explored many themes over the years and the X-men Supreme
fanfiction series is no different. There are themes of civil rights,
social inequity, corruption, and controlling power. Throughout X-men
Supreme, I've tried to touch on each one of them. But the concept of
controlling power has come up multiple times. It was a major issue when Rogue first joined the X-men, it led to devastating personal consequences when Proteus lost control of his reality warping powers, and was a major driving force when Jean Grey was corrupted by the Phoenix Force.
Controlling mutant powers has been a plot that the X-men comics have
explored in many forms and in the next arc of X-men Supreme, the lengths
some go to in order to obtain that control will be the focal point.

This new arc in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series will be short, but the impact it will have on Rogue will be profound. I call this arc Test Subject. It has finally gotten to a point where Rogue
can't stand her powers anymore. Now she's willing to take a chance at
regaining control of her powers and she has enlisted the help of former
X-man, Angel, for assistance. Angel left the X-men at the end of X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope, but he has been busy and what he's working on has major implications for Rogue
and mutants everywhere in X-men Supreme. But his work is dangerous and
there will be forces he can't control working against him. This is one
arc you won't want to miss if you're a Rogue fan and as always, I have prepared a preview to offer a glimpse of what readers can expect.

The X-leader looked back to see Hank and Rogue emerge from the hatch. Rogue still looked pretty distant. Ever since she got back from Japan, she hadn’t been her usual sassy self. Scott learned from Kitty about what happened between Remy and Betsy. He could see why that would spur a sudden interest controlling her powers again. Rogue needed moral support now more than ever and with Kurt still dealing with the melodrama surrounding Amanda, she was in a difficult predicament.

“I have a good feeling about this, Rogue. I’ve been reading up in this project Warren’s people have been pursuing and I feel there’s room for cautious optimism,” said Hank as he and Rogue met up with Scott and the Professor.

“Ah hope you’re not sayin’ that to get mah hopes up, Mr. McCoy,” said Rogue dryly, “Ah seem to remember you saying that progress on controlling mah powers had damn near stalled.”

“The lab at the X-mansion doesn’t have even a tenth of the resources that Worthington Industries has at its disposal,” he retorted, “There are so many experiments I haven’t been able to do with our limited capabilities. Worthington Pharmaceuticals, it seems, has not only done those experiments. They’ve extrapolated entirely new approaches that could be the key to understanding mutation.”

“Ah don’t care if they’ve uncovered the holy freakin’ grail. So long as it can help me get control of these dang powers again, Ah wanna be the first in line to test it!”

Her tone was somewhat harsh. She had always been cynical about her powers. At times she even had sense of humor about them. But in recent times, it took on a new level of importance. She wanted to touch again and she was willing to pursue that goal more aggressively. Hank chose not to probe for the reasons behind this new sense of urgency as they followed Warren into the building. He assumed she had more than her share of valid reasons.

For Scott Summers, however, it was more difficult to ignore. Having dated Rogue and been intimate with her, he understood her subtleties better than most. He was aware of what had been going on with her, Remy, and Betsy. It didn’t take an ex-lover to figure out why this was bothering her so much.

“Rogue…” he said, reaching to place a hand on her shoulder.

“Don’t Scott,” she said, brushing him off as they started walking, “Ah know what you’re about to say.”

“I’ll say it anyways. You’re desire to control your powers is getting ominously impatient,” said the X-leader, “I get why Betsy’s arrival would add a sense of urgency, but I don’t think you’re doing this for the right reasons.”

“I’ll take that chance,” he said with a friendly gesture, “I didn’t just come along because you’re my ex-girlfriend.”

“Ah’m guessin’ all that intimate time you spend with Jean guilted you into it,” said Rogue dryly.

“Or maybe I actually care about a woman that I shared plenty of intimate moments with as well,” Scott retorted, “You don’t think I’ve forgotten about those moments, do you?”

“At least you can make new ones with Jean. Ah’m starting to forget with that kind of intimacy feels like,” she said in a more distant tone.

“All the more reason for me to remind you,” he said with supportive gesture, “That’s the main reason why I wanted to tag along for this. I know I haven’t been the most supportive ex in the world.”

“As if there is such a thing as an overly supportive ex.”

“Call me the exception that proves the rule,” he went on, “I actually do want to help you through this Rogue. I’ve been where you are and I helped you the first time around. Ex or no ex, I’m ready for round two.”

Rogue sighed in defeat under the sheer force of Scott’s sincerity. This was part of what made dating him an experience every bit as memorable as the intimacy they shared in the bedroom. He was a hard guy to be snide with. He cared a lot about his friends. He cared just as much about his ex-girlfriends. Him being here was unexpected and maybe a little awkward, but it was still welcome.

“Ah hate it when you’re such a gent, Summers,” she said, “It’s too dang hard to be mad at you.”

“So long as I can annoy you in a healthy way, I’ll take it,” said Scott with a smile.

“Speaking of annoying, you guys wanna hurry it up?” said Warren from just outside the main roof entrance, “We got a lot to cover before we get to the nuts and bolts of Project Kickstart. I won’t make any promises, but I have a feeling you’ll like what you see!”

“If Ah leave here feeling less pissed off, Ah’ll be glad to share that feeling,” said Rogue as Warren led them into the building.

In addition, the recent introduction of Psylocke has opened the door to yet another expansion of the X-ladies section. For quite a while now, I've been gathering pictures of Psylocke
and plenty of other X-women that I have yet to introduce in the X-men
Supreme fanfiction series. Now that she has joined X-men Supreme, I'm
ready to add her to the pics
section. She's a fan favorite X-woman and there's no denying her sex
appeal. So I'm proud to add her to both the story of X-men Supreme and
the pics section. Enjoy!

So far, X-men Supreme Volume 4: Politics of Fear has
covered many diverse themes that are typical of the X-men. I have every
intention of exploring more as this fanfiction series unfolds. The
challenge will be trying to cover as much as possible because I know
that X-men fans have lofty expectations and I have every intention of
meeting them. As such, it's very important that I continue to get
feedback for my work on this fanfiction series. If ever you want to
discuss X-men Supreme or X-men in general, feel free to contact me
at any time. I'm always willing to listen. Thank you all very much for
your continued support. Until next time, take care and best wishes.
Excelsior!

Thursday, August 22, 2013

On this blog, I look for ways to combine the joys of reviewing comics with the fun of making dick, poop, and fart jokes. I’m no Seth MacFarlane, but I think there should always be a medium that mixes dick, poop, and fart jokes into the things we hold dear. I’ve always held comic book in high regard and not just because the women are overly sexualized and the men make me feel more inadequate than Mitt Romney’s PR campaigns. I believe comic books have something to offer the human race and I’m here to make sure it’s as fucked up as it is entertaining. So here’s my fucked up take on Cable and X-Force #13. Grab a dick, take a shit, and have a good fart because this comic gave me plenty to work with.

For a book that is supposed to be about an outlaw team of X-men, it has been dealing with a fuckton of magical creatures lately. In the previous issue, Domino and Colossus had to fight off an army of demons while talking about how they were going to go about being regular fuck buddies. In this issue, they meet up with Forge and Dr. Nemesis to fight a giant monster that looks like Cthullu’s dildo. I’m not sure if it’s magic, but in comics I guess it’s always a safe assumption in the same way it’s always a safe assumption that the slut will die a horrible death in a slasher movie. I also think the bitching between Forge and Dr. Nemesis helped. It reminded me of why I didn’t really miss them over the past two issues. It’s not as epic a battle as it could have been, but it continues X-Force’s recent history of fighting of fucked up threats.

Instead of a more detailed battle of how X-Force fights off yet another mystical monster, this issue focuses heavily on Hope fucking Summers dealing with the only thing more annoying than her…another older version of Hope fucking Summers. The previous issue revealed that the future female Stryfe that had been helping Blacquesmith was actually an older Hope fucking Summers. It was somewhat surprising, but only to the extent that a kick in the nuts from a transsexual hooker is surprising. And her reason for pulling her younger self out of the past is even less surprising. Hell, the only thing that Hope fucking Summers could do to surprise me at this point is admit she pleasures herself to old Ted Nugant songs.

Her explanation will make some readers yawn and others just roll their eyes. Apparently, the world went to hell because Cable decided that he had enough fighting and just wanted to sit back, relax, and fall asleep drunk watching Monday Night Football like someone who hasn’t been stuck in apocalyptic futures for most of his life. But him not fighting somehow meant that the world gets fucked worse than the IRS fucked Wesley Snipes. So using Deathlok’s ability to calculate the future, they started fucking with Cable’s mind in the past. Somehow, I think just sending him a letter taped to a brick would have been just as effective. But Hope fucking Summers can’t resist causing people more headaches, or in this case seizures.

Yet Hope fucking Summers has the audacity to claim that causing her adopted father painful seizures is working. Well in this case she might be right. Because as she’s trying to justify this dick move to her younger self, X-Force successfully subdue the giant Cthullu dildo. But it’s not as epic as previous battles. Colossus and Domino don’t even dirty talk with each other. It’s a very subdued battle that ends with Colossus just dive bombing the ugly monster in the head while Boom Boom blows the rest up. The only thing the battle accomplishes is getting X-Force back in one place again where Domino just happens to remember that Cable is still a prisoner of the Uncanny Avengers and probably isn’t too happy about it.

Even though another killer monster shaped like a sex toy is defeated, the younger little bitch is able to see through the older bitch’s ruse. In hearing that her older self chose to fuck with Cable’s brain rather than find a more efficient means of informing him of an apocalyptic future, Hope fucking Summers is actually able to figure it out. She finds out that her older self chose this incredibly invasive method because it meant Cable would not be able to tell her to fuck off anymore. Saving the future wasn’t her goal. She just wanted her adopted daddy to spend time with her. For someone who was supposed to be the mutant messiah, Hope fucking Summers has some incredibly petty issues.

I don’t know if this was supposed to make Hope seem sympathetic. It seems like this series has tried to do that a number of times, but no matter what happens, Hope fucking Summers always comes off as an even bitter little cunt than before. She actually fucks with the brain of her own adopted father just so she can spend more time with him. At no point does she mention the Avengers, the X-men, or the dozens of other superpowered individuals who beat up giant monsters in between snack breaks. Yet somehow it was all because Cable wanted to retire that the world went to hell? It’s as if somehow every one of Marvel’s best heroes became total pussies and it’s not explained in the slightest. I know this book is supposed to focus on Cable and X-Force, but since the Uncanny Avengers have shown up multiple times it’s a pretty gross oversight. It’s like a man finding out on his wedding day that his bride is a donkey with a Hilary Clinton mask. It takes way too much stupid to overlook shit like that.

Cable still doesn’t know that his own adopted daughter is causing him all this pain, but I imagine he has a pretty good idea. The Uncanny Avengers still have him imprisoned at the Avengers Mansion and Havok, who Cable did punch in the jaw back during their first encounter, is tasked with trying to figure out what to do with him. That’s like my ex-girlfriend being my parole officer. Nothing good can come of it. He has another seizure that probably way more painful than any punch to the jaw that Havok ever got. And since Havok and the rest of the Avengers don’t know shit about his crazy visions of the future, they might as well a headless chicken stumbling into a KFC.

Luckily for Havok and his jaw, Cable manages to focus enough to show him his dark visions of the future. The visions are pretty generic. More monsters are rampaging across the city. And for some reason, the Avengers, the X-men, and every other hero in the Marvel universe is too lazy or too hung over to do anything about it. Again, there’s no explanation as to why the same heroes that went toe-to-toe with Thanos and the Phoenix Force couldn’t stop a few rampaging monsters. But it is enough to leave Havok with a solid explanation as to why Cable has to punch him in the jaw.

He then makes a point that makes about a much sense as Sarah Palin’s stance on Russia. He says that rather than informing the most powerful heroes on the planet, the Uncanny Avengers should leave this shit to X-Force. He claims that they can do the kind of dirty shit that nicer, more upstanding heroes can’t be seen doing. He’s basically telling them to let X-Force fuck the ugly hookers so that they can keep the attractive ones can stay employed. It makes no sense. Aside from the incident with the fast food place, when have tactics ever mattered when fighting monsters? I’m pretty sure the public doesn’t mind seeing the Avengers and X-men being extra violent with monsters ravaging a city. So I think Cable is full of shit here and if Havok has any brains that haven’t been punched out of him yet, he would see that.

In the future, Hope fucking Summers would be also be wise to see that fucking with Cable’s mind probably isn’t going to make him any more inclined to spend some quality time with his adopted daughter. Even Blaquesmith tells them that despite their efforts to inform Cable of the future, shit is still getting worse. And not only is it getting worse. It could end up killing Cable. When daddy issues end up with daddy’s brains melting out of his ears, they cease to be issues and become something else entirely that requires potent medications. I don’t think all the anti-psychotics in the world could help Hope fucking Summers at this point. It shows that once again she cared more about working out her daddy issues than she did actually saving the future. It gives me yet more reasons to call her a puissant little cunt, as if I needed any more at this point.

At the very least, Cable is able to convince Havok that his visions are real and the threat is real. Even though his reason for leaving this shit to X-Force makes no fucking sense, Havok still seems perfectly willing to let Cable go so he can do what he needs to do. However, he’s understandably reluctant to just let him walk out the front door and give the finger to Captain America along the way. It just wouldn’t look good for the leader of the Uncanny Avengers if he let prisoners go without a fight. It quickly becomes a moot issue though when X-Force storms the mansion in an effort to rescue Cable. I guess this solves one problem for Havok, but it’ll probably mean he gets punched in the jaw again. So in that sense it’s a win-win.

X-Force may be unwilling cannon fodder for Hope fucking Summers and her daddy issues, but they’re neck deep in the shit right now. Even her older self knows this. So she eventually decides that maybe just fucking with Cable’s brain isn’t going to be enough. She needs to send her younger self back into the past to either fix things or fuck them up even more. She even gives her a weapon. At this point though, I wouldn’t be surprised if she uses that weapon to turn the Statue of Liberty into a giant dildo. That’s how little faith I have in Hope fucking Summers. I’m certainly glad to see X-Force battling the Uncanny Avengers again, but I can do without Hope fucking Summers being an even bigger cunt about it.

I have a soft spot for girls with daddy issues, but a lot of those girls are prone to suggestion and don’t bitch as often when they try kinky shit in bed. And that soft spot has no room for Hope fucking Summers. Only she could turn saving the world from yet another apocalyptic future into just another manifestation of her bitching and moaning about Cable. Even her younger self saw through the bullshit that her older self was feeding her. Saving the world and showing some fucking gratitude to the other heroes that saved her is not even top 10 on her to-do list. She just wants to shoot shit with Cable. While Cable and X-Force #13 didn’t make me hate Hope fucking Summers any less, it finally got Cable involved more and set the stage for yet another clash between X-Force and the Uncanny Avengers. That in and of itself is pretty fucking awesome and if it ends with Havok getting punched in the face again, I’m all for it. I give Cable and X-Force #13 a 6 out of 10. Unless strippers get involved with this series, I think it has enough daddy issues. I’ll be content to just see X-Force kick the Uncanny Avengers’s ass again. Nuff said!

About Me

I am a lifelong comic book fan. My favorite comic has always been X-men and my lifelong dream is to be an X-men writer. Since I'm still a ways from realizing that dream, I settle for writing my own series which I have entitled X-men Supreme.