My Underwear & Me

I have no idea what company was just attempting to convince me that I should purchase what product or service. I know someone wanted my money, and I know they were offering me something in return for it; beyond that, I can tell you nothing. All I saw before I moved to another screen was:

‘What Does Your Underwear Say About You?’

It is of course possible that this wasn’t an advertisement of any kind, but rather a public service announcement brought to us by Underwear Listeners for a Better Tomorrow or some other equally altruistic bunch who just think we should know, for our own sakes, what is being said about us by our undergarments:

“Me, with a white skirt. She put me with a white skirt.”

“I don’t know what she meant by it. All I know is it really hurt to be thrown in with the socks after she hand-washed all the other bras.”

See? We do need to know these things. And the Underwear Listeners for a Better Tomorrow are here for us. They don’t want our money, they just want our love!

Somehow, I doubt it.

I suspect that if our underwear actually does have anything to say, it isn’t to us, that it is most likely perfectly content to chat with others of its kind on topics we would have difficulty identifying with or understanding.

So, on now to what they more likely meant; what quirks, what passions, what dark secrets does your choice of underwear reveal about you? I have a fondness for vintage lingerie. What does this say about me? That I have a proportionately larger than average backside and prefer styles that can accommodate that? No, it can’t possibly be that simple. I’m pining, that’s got to be it; feeling displaced, reaching for something long gone, something I never knew but always wished for, pining for a simpler time. Dear God, all this time I’ve been pining and never even suspected it. Thank you, Random Senseless Internet Banner, for showing me the light.

A male friend once told me that boxer shorts allow men to carry into adulthood the patterns they had on their pajamas as children. I believe it, but the idea that men would want to continue their childhoods in any manner possible can hardly be termed a revelation.

If you really need your underwear drawer to reveal to you who you are, you might not like what you find out. If you need your underwear to reveal who you are to someone seeing it for the first time, they probably shouldn’t be seeing it yet.

And if you are the person who actually got paid to plaster ‘What Does Your Underwear Say About You?’ across the Internet, I want your job.