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21 October 2016

2016 has not been a year I will recall with fondness.If anything, it will go down as one of the
worst years of my life.I have learned a
lot about people, who I can trust and mostly, who I cannot.

What I have learned this year, adds to the many other lessons I have
learned over the years, about life through (infant) adoption/baby buying and so
I am sharing those lessons here as a warning for any other expectant mothers
who might be forced to face the monster of adoption.

Adoption has taught me that words are empty.Love has no value.Those pushing adoption on terrified/unsupported
women who need support and compassion, will tell a mother if she loves her
child she will give/abandon/tear her bond apart with her child – all for the
sake of strangers.They will lead her to
believe she is doing the right, loving thing.That she is a hero and will be gaining a family.But these words are empty.They are lies. What no one bothers to tell
her, is that she does not matter.The
agency and couple DO NOT care about her.She is disposable.If it were
legal to cut her baby out of her womb and leave her for dead, they would.This is apparent in the vitriol adopters spew
across the internet through various blogs, forums and Facebook pages if a
mother dares take control and does the unthinkable: take responsibility and
KEEP her baby.Even my first-born’s
adopters would tell me they cared about me while taking me to court to outright
steal the child from me.Vultures.Evil.Predators.Liars – they are all
the same.

Integrity is a joke.People with
integrity lose in the long run.Morality, ethics – adoption has no room for these qualities I was raised
to believe in.

Compassion is to be mocked.There are amazing women out there putting actions behind their words and
doing everything they can to prevent unnecessary adoptions taking place.Yet, I have also seen those who dare to stand
up and do the right thing, mocked.Ridiculed.I have seen adopters
openly brag about swooping on vulnerable women to take their children.I am sure hell is filled with many people
just like them. Or perhaps I am already in hell?

Empathy is unacceptable.One
must not empathise or one might do the right thing.

Love is conditional.As in
restrictive and depends on how you behave.

That sacred bond spoken about in scientific research magically
disappears and does not exist when adoption comes onto the scene.Mothers become expendable and children are
suddenly mindless, blank slates that are waiting to be saved and grafted into
another family.

Evil is real.Oh so real.In fact, it is common and if anything, prevalent.It is harder to find the good and genuine
people today.

Religion, particularly Christianity, is used to condone the evil of
adoption.Apparently, it is okay to pray
for a mother to relinquish her baby.Wait, what??Who prays for a
child to be PURPOSEFULLY separated from their mother unnecessarily?Seriously, WHO DOES THAT??Oh yes, those who feel they have a right to
another mother’s child.If you cannot
see the perverseness of this, then your moral compass needs replacing
asap!There are a number of other things
I have seen and heard from those would profess to be Christian that is just
vomit inducing.

Entitlement wins.Adoption has
introduced me to the most entitled humans I have ever had the unpleasant
experience of coming into contact with.It oozes out of their every pore and every word they speak.I have read many messages, posts and comments
in shock that there are even people who exist in our world like that.Right up there are the people who stole my
child – no one without entitlement would dream of taking a mother back to court
to take her child away from her despite a report by a leading international
adoption specialist finding her child’s best interests and welfare would be
best promoted by me, her mother.Yes, I
still have that report.

Human rights abuses are allowed as long as those with money get what
they want.To be honest, I have been
privy to other experiences that have violated my basic human rights and
witnessed enough without adoption needing to reinforce this.But, in adoption, these human rights abuses
are denied and invalidated for the sake of the customer.Cannot have those poor adopters feeling bad
for breaking up families now, can we?!

Mothers are the bashing post.From adopters, pro-adoptionists/anti-abortionists, adoptees and mothers
sucking down the Kool Aid or intent on staying down in the gutter, mothers of loss
are bashed, kicked and betrayed by those she thought she could trust – usually right
at her most vulnerable point.

Exploiting the vulnerable and needy is just fine.Hey, that’s their choice, right?To be poor?To be raped?To be left and
abandoned by their partner/family/support network?To be frightened and alone? To be in a situation where they just need a
hand?Because adopters are simply
perfect?Yeah, what a joke.I cannot keep a track now of the number of
condemnations and comments made about mothers who have lost a child to
adoption.It goes back to the entitled
nature of the West. As long as you have the
money, you can do what you want and get away with it.Who cares about those you destroy in your
wake.Who cares about the lives you destroy –
as long as YOU get what you want, right?RIGHT??No wonder this world is
in the way it is.

Of course, you can write these off and me, the writer, as x, y, z but
do so at your own peril.Adoption is a
permanent fixture. The pain never goes
away and the impact carries on waves through generations.Just look at the television shows that focus
on those who hope to reunite with those usually lost through adoption.And not just children and parents but
grandchildren, siblings, and so on.Adoption as it is currently practiced right now, is not right.The damage and trauma it causes has been
shown through the thousands of mothers the world over dating from the 1950’s
until today, sharing their horrific stories. From the countless adoptees who are speaking up and exposing the reality, that, despite the fact some of them had happy, fantastic lives with their adoptive families, they still felt the trauma of losing their mothers, fathers and families and the trauma effects them for a lifetime. Meanwhile, others speak of a horrific life, abused and discarded - the promise of adoption proving oh so false. Adoption is not the answer. It never has been and it never will be - especially while it is all about the entitled exploiting those in a moment of powerlessness and vulnerability. These moments are chances for humanity to shine, to show kindness, to embrace vulnerability and honour it with compassion - but these chances are abandoned in favour of looking out for selfish and lustful desires, disregarding the abject misery and a lifetime of pain left in their wake. These are some of the lessons adoption has imprinted on me. I would not wish this journey, these lessons, on anyone. There is no good that comes out of it. In fact, it is impossible for good to flourish in an institution that is founded on dishonesty and misery. It does not matter that there are some that say adoption was good for them. They are incredibly fortunate if that is the case (and they are being honest with themselves), but that does not make adoption good. For example, there were slave owners that were not as bad as others and Nazis that helped Jews escape the massacre during World War 2 but that does not mean slavery or Nazism was inherently good. All it means is there were some who defied the norm and chose to do what was right. The same with adoption. There are a handful of adoptive families who get it and some whose adoption experiences were positive all around BUT that does not excuse the evil and the rotten core of adoption. It does not mean adoption as a system, as an institution is good. And it isn't. It can't be. It won't ever be.

11 October 2016

How is one taught to be small? Have you felt yourself become smaller? I know this is not only relegated to adoption
but I can tell you from experience, adoption teaches you to be small. It takes away your voice, your integrity,
your dignity. It strips you down to your
marrow and breaks you into more shards than you ever thought possible.

All of us experience the feeling of being small at one point
or another. Even before I was ushered
into the world of adoption, I had experienced the feeling of being made
small. It happens through bullying,
through invalidation of our experiences, when we are dictated to and made to
feel we cannot be ourselves. It happens
within our families, our social groups, school, employment – basically wherever
we have interpersonal relationships.
Over time, we build resiliency and some can rise above these
experiences. But there are those
experiences where one can never escape – no matter how hard they try to grow above
and drown out the toxicity from others.

Our world of social media lends us to being made small and
making others small very easily. Some of
the things I have seen over social media sites, blogs and forums is enough to
want to close my door and never venture outside because the venom and putridity
is just so immense. Luckily, I know this
is not how all people are but it is sickening to know people have ended their
lives as a result of cruel and unnecessary toxic words from strangers.

And there it is.
Words. The way we communicate
with others is so important. The words
we use, the way we use them can have such a damaging impact on another’s
life. Adoption is no exception. Look at the industry speak towards (usually
young and single) women who are expecting a baby. It is engineered in order to make a woman
feel a certain way until she believes their message – that she is not enough
for her child. This is done in such a
covert way that whilst pregnant, a woman will believe she is loved and cared
for by her agency and prospective adopters waiting to get her
child. It is only when it is too late
that she realises their words and their real impact. And then she is not only made small, but is
destroyed. Adoption is all about making
someone who is vulnerable, feel so small they will be easily manipulated and
brainwashed into doing the most unnatural thing in the world for a mother to
do: part with her child.

Even through the journey one is forced on once they have
lost their child to adoption does not enlighten, encourage or lift. The adoption community will turn on their own
if one dares to speak out of turn – mothers are often condemned regardless
of how they come to lose their children.
This in turn reinforces the lesson they have learned – that they are
small, nothing, nobody. Who teaches
these lessons? Obviously, society and
its lust for adoption and the false image projected making adoption out to be
all rainbows and butterflies. Obviously
the adopters on forums, blogs and social media who pray for mothers to give
away their babies or pray a newly widowed father will give up his daughter or
condemn adoptees and mothers for speaking out about unethical adoption practises
and experiences. These are the obvious
ones. But I have also learned this
through other mothers who have criticised me for not wanting to stay down in
the gutter, for rejecting the notion of having a debt to pay. How dare a mother feel she can be a person
that needs to be respected as a human?
How dare she be anything other than on her knees being belted with
shame? How dare she turn the truth back
on other mothers, adopters and adoptees?
Seriously, how dare she? It is at
this moment where she is betrayed by her fellow so-called “sisters” and adoptee
supporters that the mother realises how very alone and diminished she is. This hell is not only a place where the
lesson is reiterated time and time again, but is expected. Growing, trying to maintain balance in life
and find happiness is not allowed here.
Doing so means betraying some sort of sick code that all mothers need to
be punished.

Being taught to be small is the backbone of adoption. If mothers can feel enough, know they are
enough and can shut out the agency lies, adoption, particularly infant
adoption, could start to decline. The
role of mother is supposed to be sacred, however this most sacred, precious
role is diminished into nothing through the act of adoption. It takes what is natural and turns that into
something to be reviled in order to fill a lusty desire of strangers. Adoption agencies, some PAP’s and the
majority of adopters I have met and encountered over time, are the masters of
teaching the “small” lesson. If taught
successfully, they will walk away with what they want and so they have
perfected it over time and the effects have been catastrophic in terms of how
many families have been destroyed.

This world needs less masters of teaching small and more
uplifters and encouragers. We need more
who will look at the bigger picture and not just at what they feel entitled
to. We need more art and those who appreciate
the art of others, in our world.

"Be an encourager. The world has plenty of critics already" - Dave Willis

About Me

My name is Myst and I am the mother of three children, one whom I lost to forced adoption in New Zealand in 1998. I use this blog to share my story so others may be better informed of adoption practises in New Zealand and not lose their child in the same way I did.

Some quotes I love...

"This story had its beginnings in a wrongful belief that women could be separated from their babies and it would all be for the best. Instead, these churches and charities, families, medical staff and bureaucrats struck at the most primal and sacred bond there is - the bond between a mother and her baby"

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart, you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things time cannot mend, some hurts that go to deep... that have taken hold."- Frodo, Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

“Many people, especially ignorant people, want to punish you for speaking the truth, for being correct, for being you. Never apologise for being correct, or for being years ahead of your time. If you are right and you know it, speak your mind. Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is still the truth.”-Gandhi

“Man has the capacity to pass on from generation to generation the wrongs that he has suffered whether they are overt or covert wrongs. And there is a whole generation of people who have suffered from the inhumanity of our social service system because they were poor, because they were helpless, because they were young, because they had no advocates, because they were treated unjustly, because they were treated as though they had wronged people by having a child. We now have to call those social service systems to task.”- Family Involvement ‘Editorial’ John L. Brown No 5 (1977):1

"Regrettably, in many cases, the emphasis has changed from the desire to provide a needy child with a home, to that of providing a needy parent with a child. As a result, a whole industry has grown, generating millions of dollars of revenue each year..."- Commission on Human Rights, resolution 2002/92; E/CN/2002/79; page 25

"Hope is like a bird that senses dawn and carefully starts to sing while it is still dark."- Author unknown

“When a baby is born, a mother is born”-Adapted from a quote by Alice Meynell

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."-Martin Luther King, Jr.

“A mother’s love endures through all; in good repute, in bad repute, in the face of the world’s condemnation, a mother still loves on.”-Washington Irving

“Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness”-Amnesty International

“There is in this cold and hollow world no fount of deep, strong deathless love save that within a mother’s heart.”-Felicia D. Hemans

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."-Dale Carnegie

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”Psalm 139:13, 14

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up. “-Anne Lamott

“No language can express the power and beauty and heroism and majesty of a mother’s love. It shrinks not where man cowers, and grows stronger where man faints, and over the wastes of worldly fortune sends the radiance of quenchless fidelity like a star in heaven.”-E.H. Chapin