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February 08, 2011

Notes On Seventh Grade Scandals

No, wait, I take that back; describing the witless scheming we saw on today's episode of General Hospital as "seventh grade" is really selling a generation of middle school mischief makers short. They'd take one look at Lisa's half-baked plan to break Robin and Patrick up some more and Brook Lynn and Elizabeth's battle to out desperate the other, scoff and then bombard the GH writers with cruel texts designed to make them cry and/or quit their jobs*.

Lisa Niles has gone from being...well, she's gone from being a drip to a stalker to a criminal mastermind to a lovesick weirdo rehashing plans that failed the first place, and now she is choreographing awkward run-ins while blatantly lurking in the shadows. Seriously: she charms Terrell into going to the MetroCourt, bribes a hapless employee for his room number, had said hapless employee give Robin (who was looking for Patrick in order to go over a patient's chart with him, which...was that part of Lisa's plot as well, or just a happy coincidence?) Terrell's room number and then had said hapless employee send Patrick to that very room so that he might stumble upon the sight we saw at the end of the episode--Terrell opening the door in just a towel and then sharing uncomfortable laughter with Robin. Wow, good for you, Lisa, you've seen Three's Company.

Then. Then! Brook Lynn and a profoundly disinterested Nikolas (seriously. As I mentioned elsewhere, Tyler Christopher's lack of interest in this show is so blatant that he may as well pull a Stanley Hudson and just start doing crossword puzzles during his scenes) were at Jake's when Elizabeth and Steven walked in. When Steve went to chat up Olivia, Elizabeth took the opportunity to crash the party, leading Brook Lynn to mark her territory. By getting up and singing. WHAT? I know, it was horrendous and I felt profound embarrassment for all involved (not just because of the singing. MOSTLY because of the singing because holy moly, but also because this war of the words is over NIKOLAS. Who lost his last redeeming quality sometime in late 1998! You could both do better! Yes, Brook, even you! Not much better, but a little better).

I don't know how much longer I can sit through these juvenile and simultaneously DULLER THAN VERY DULL, DULL THINGS stories; I am sorely tempted to wish for Brenda and Sonny's wedding to hurry up and get here, but considering this crop of writers, I know I will wind up regretting that in a big big way.

Comments

I know you and many others are mourning the upcoming departure of Elizabeth, but as a newer soap watcher I can NOT WAIT for the bitch to go. I've only been watching for a year, so I don't have that connection to the history of the character. I only know her current whiny shrill self and GAH...get off my screen, woman!

Actually, I think the vast majority of characters as they are today are hugely annoying if you don't have that history. Brenda is KILLING me. That laugh makes me want to rip off my skin and stuff it in my ears. The constant me.me.me. bullshit- oh, staging my wedding will put everyone in Port Charles in danger, including Sonny's kids and Jason, who I claim to like? Who cares, it's MY day, bitches!

Have I mentioned Olivia? I was heartbroken that the entire bus didn't squash her flat before she could have one more conversation with Johnny about luuuuvvvveee.

And where was that bus, anyway? It just disappeared? And why does every single plot point on this show either advance or resolve because one person is spying on another? If I lived In Port Charles, I would communicate only in writing, and then burn everything I did write. And eat the ashes. And then burn whatever came out the other side. JUST TO BE SAFE.

Oh well. Poor RH, I'm sure she's thinking about all of the awesome writing that her character use to get before the hacks decided that Elizabeth Imogene Webber the freaking granddaughter of Dr. Steve Hardy deserved dog poop the last three years.

haven't watched or been on in a while. but after reading this at least I know I haven't missed much. Still "Love amongst the ruins" Guza style. Last I checked even All my Children is beating GH in the ratings and that show is boring. But anyway ladies keep up the good work and hopefully we will see Guza on the unemployment line in 2012.

Vanessa Marcil Gio......azzo should be scrubbing herself in the bathtub like a rape victim after having to deliver that awful, screechy, childish tantrum to Sonny, who actually sounded like an adult. (wtf, btw)

I won't apologize for the tasteless imagery either, since GH won't apologize for scarring my eyes and ears with "that girl!" x 1000 (Carly, in case you didn't know, is still 17), the slutastic, digitized rendition of "Fever" complete with sloppy lapdances, and charmless, unattractive, skeezy Terrel in a towel smarming up Robin.

Oh, if only I could- my mother has significant memory problems now, but the one thing she remembers clearly is decades of watching General Hospital. She gets great joy from watching it together, so alas I must suffer...and suffer...and SUFFER