Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Wednesday Morning3:14AM...

Yeah, well, its quarter after 3 in the AM... I got off work yesturday at like9PM, and came home to do nothing... kidna boring night... but yeah, then I was talking to Teri and she was all up for coming over 2night... maybe go for a movie or something... so I figured that sounds cool, come on over...so she says cool and stuff.,.. So I go outside and hack with everyone for like an hour, and I start thinking... where the hell is Teri? so I go inside and check my comp, only to find a message from her saying shes not coming over cuz her stomac is sore... So that really sucked, kinda ruined my night, I was really looking forward to seeing her, cuz we might not see each other this weekend.. or so she says, but I'm sure we will, we haven't gone a weekend without seeing each other since we met. infact, maybe one weekend apart will do us some good... Not like theres anything wrong or anything, its just sometimes after I'm hanging out with her for a few full days in a row, its good to have a little break ya know... I really like Teri, I really do, but sometimes I need my own space from her... Its hard to try to get that point across without sounding like your pushing them away... But yeah, that was that.. So she didn't come over 2ngiht, so I jsut decided to smoke myself retarted and play video games and shit....But anyway... I gotta get something off my chest right now... Now to whoever reads this (even you Teri) just ... I don't know, dont' bring this up, and don't hold it against me, I just need to get this out, I'm not sure whose reading it, and whose not, but I'm not really telling anyone specifically, I'm just stating it... So I have this choice ahead of me... Now this could be the biggest choice of my life... and really I'm glad I have almost a year to think about it because shit, theres soo much to think about....So heres my situation... I'm with this wicked kick ass chick, and everythings going great, we like each other, we hardly fight, everythigns just great... I'm starting to get along with her child, her family, everything... and of corse everything just can't stay good, its gotta get complicated.... She wants to move out of her house,,, kinda rough considering the child... money, and, maybe she wants me to move out with her... I tell her I can't cuz really I can't right now,,, and really I'm not sure if I'm ready for that step,, but that'll come in time,, i'll continue that later... So anyway, getting back, she decides not to move out because she has some bigger news to tell me... She then tells me that her rents are moving to another province, and they're thinking on getting a house with like a split level kinda like a duplex kinda deal and they want her to move there with her... Now shes super excited cuz that would work out great for her, like honestly perfect, its a nice place, she'll be with Family still, good help for raising the child... and ya know, it'll all just be good.... I know that as of this point, that is by far the best thing for Teri to do... It makes the most sense,,, its best for her, for her rents, and Zoa. But then that leaves me.... What am I supposed to do? Obviously I should go with her right? I mean, we like each other, we're getting along great, I could prolly help in alot of ways with her and Zoa,,, I think I could maybe be a good father someday(not saying I'm her dad, I know i'm not, but maybe i'd like to help raise her, is there something wrong wiht that? or should I not be allowed?) But I just keep doubting myself... There's days that I feel like "Yup today I'm a new man, I'm going to tell Teri I love her, and I'll be there for her, i'll move to BC with her, and I'll be Zoas dad, and we'll grow old and have a family together" I get right into that moood, and it progresses, and looks better and better, and I get happier and happier, and things are good...............Then I'll see something random that'll bring me back to my crazy days, and I'll think..... " Wait a minute.... I'm not ready for this,,, There's too many things that I want to do that I haven't yet, and I can't be tied down by something as serious as a wife and family... " I stop and my heart litterally skips a beat... it scares me...... Scares me to the point where I even contemplate every single time we have sex to actuelly do it or not,,, just for that extreme incase senario of her getting pregnent and me falling into that Family/husband/dad thing before I'm ready for it.... I'm really really scared for that,,,, Wow, am I ever not ready..... just plain and simply not ready....

Ya know... As much as I contemplate the family dad thing, and going back to the crazy days... I think more about being single, and crazy, then the other.... I honestly think that I'm supposed to be alone in life... Its a sad selfish thing to say, but I don't think I deserve someone.... I don't know how to explain it much further.... but I really just feel like I'm one of those people who just never stops and calms down... settles down to a nice home and stays there for 10-15-20 years... I'm just a drifter, a loner.... I think I may have to save some money, and go on a trip... a Journey... to find myself... and I think I know exactly where I'm going to go........

1 Comments:

Teri said...

Wow MAtty... I sure feel like you're breaking up with me in a blog. Especially the line that reads that you think more about being single & crazy. I understad your feeling of overwhelminess at times. bELIVE ME! I don't want to grow up as much as you don't. Who says you have to? Who says you can't be yourself with a girlfriend? Who sais you gotta change ?You know You obviously think that Im the one holding you back. So go do all the things you want to do & think you can't.