Monday, May 19, 2008

GREAT WEEKEND!!

I have had a fabulous, wonderful weekend. I've had weekends like this before that ended up dreadful... I had my 14 year old nephew and 11 year old niece from Friday evening until Sunday night. They usually provide enough birth control for me for MONTHS! This time...well, this time we had so much fun. Don't get me wrong, the boy still had his teenager apathetic attitude, but he's so cute and witty, I overlooked the "I don't care what we do" things. And the girl, she was still super hyper (and I'm sure all of the Snickers and Fruit Roll-ups I didn't monitor her eating didn't help!) but it didn't bother me up until the very end. I just can't believe how much of a joy it was to spend the weekend with them and have so much fun. We went bike riding (Samantha & I) and Jacob skate-boarded with us and we just had the best time, and the whole time I was thinking (and even getting a little weepy) that this is what my life is missing. I hate it that I've started thinking like that. I don't want to give in to the whole having kids thing because it's expected of me. I loved the fact that I thought my life was complete with just Jason, Lucy (the dog) and me. But now I'm starting to feel like something is missing. Maybe it'll pass. Maybe I'm just pre-menstral. Who knows! I know I'm confused as all get out! I guess it doesn't help that I have little Peyton (see post below) that I get to hold and snuggle and kiss all the time and that I don't want him to have to go home. (That really is a big change!) Whenever I am around him, whether it be at our house or theirs, I want to take complete care of him. Feed him, change him (yes, I've even done a poopy diaper...not the last one though because I smelt it as he dealt it and I said NO WAY!), rock him to sleep. EVERYTHING! Maybe that means I'm ready for motherhood...who knows. Jason is still on the fence, but he said yesterday that he knows he'd be a good dad. I think he'd be a great dad. I do question my ability to be a mother. I know I can take care of his/her physical needs (feeding, clothing, bathing, that type of thing) but I'm not sure if I can handle his/her emotional needs. I wonder if I'd be a complete f-up when it comes to parenting. I guess I'll never know until I do it! Can't do it until after February of 2009. We're going to the Keys in Florida with Jason's parents and I don't want to do that in my last trimester, or even being pregnant at all. That's a long trip in a car ride for me, not being preggo. Can't imagine with a bun in the oven!! I'll keep everyone (my two subscribers...one of which is me!) updated! ~Kim

ETA:I had to change some punctuation, but then I also realized that I referred to our possible future child as a HIM. We want to have a boy so much, so we're probably gonna have a girl!! Last night I went to Lowes looking for a bookshelf. I started looking at wallpaper borders and started envisioning decorating a child's room! Then, when I couldn't find a bookshelf, it started the weepiness again. Man, I suck!