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Happiness has been something that I have been actively pursuing over the past few years, particularly when I saw the film (and read the book) Eat Pray Love, a lot of you would know that this is how this blog got started and I attempted to find some sort of resolve and path to being a happier person.

I went through a lot of turmoil and grief to get to the stage I am at today but lately I have realised that I have become extremely complacent with the stage I am at and unfortunately have turned into that whiney person who constantly whinges about everything (literally!) Not that I am extremely unhappy or depressed I am just bored and complacent. I find I am stopping myself mid-conversation all the time wondering why am I just rambling about my situation and sounding like an annoying, fat whiner? My friends don’t deserve to be subjected to this! Especially when in comparison I have a lot, I have nothing to really complain about so what can I do?

Eat Pray Love was written by Elizabeth Gilbert who has become somewhat of a mentor to me, although I do not know her personally, I love her work, her talks, her ideals, they all speak to me and I feel if we did ever meet we would click and become lifelong friends (I swear I am not a crazy stalker!) Being a fan of her facebook page I kept seeing posts of people’s “Happiness Jars” beautifully decorated jars with slips of paper listing good things that had happened, reasons to be happy. I decided that I had to do this and include gratifications in mine. Putting things that I am grateful and happy for will keep me in check whenever my inner spoiled brat kicks in.

My jar is clearly not that beautiful (clearly crafts are not my area of expertise) but I did the best with my limited talents and here it is, ready to be filled daily with things that I am happy and grateful for, and if I am ever in that frame of mind all I need to do is empty the jar, read the paper and snap out of it.

I love this idea and knowing that other people around the world are doing it at the same time makes the idea more communal. If you are feeling unhappy, depressed or just a whiner like me try this out and see how you go.

You may have notice a few changes around here, in particular the name of this blog. Formerly Eat Pray Love Challenge, I decided to change the name of this for several reasons. The first is that, while I love Liz Gilbert and her writing, I have no claims to the Eat Pray Love name or legacy. I cannot “join” Gilbert’s journey, I instead have to pave one of my own, my own journey that was inspired by this life-changing book.

The aim of this has not changed, I can feel myself shifting into the spiritual discovery of my journey, 6 months of pure pleasure has been amazing but my body and soul are crying out for some spirituality. Yesterday I had a dream, I was on a trip in Canberra with one of my friends Ryanie, we were in a jeep driving across a mountain side. The path was narrow and seemed to widen as our tyres approached, the gravel groaning and shaking out as the jeep surged dangerously ahead.

We arrived at the top of a mountain at a small village, the village was littered with people that I have known for many years, most of whom are born again christians. I was hesitant to get out of the car and as I pushed open the door and stepped out, I looked back and Ryanie was gone. The jeep fell under the crumbling ground and crashed down the side of the mountain. I just stood there looking at it in horror.

I turned around to a group of people screaming at me. I could not make out what they were saying, it was just muffled yelling and cries. I could tell by the looks on their faces that they were not pleased. I fell to my knees and started crying, they gathered around me in a circle and one by one asked me “Who is your god?” I could not reply through my sobbing. The more I tried to talk, the more I cried. No not cried, blubbered like a small child who has burnt their hand on the hot stove.

The more I tried to answer, the more I cried. My breathing slowed down and I could feel myself regaining strength and confidence, it was then that I heard a cry, a battle cry, a scream of challenge from behind the group. They parted and turned towards the sound, as I looked up I saw Ryanie and his wife Nicole standing there dressed head to toe in what I can only describe as native indian headgear. Their faces striped with black and white warpaint, they wore animal skin from head to toe with a large pointy, feathery hat. The crowd began to whisper amongst themselves. Nicole and Ryanie moved forward and picked me up off the ground, I felt all my energy returning to me.

The crowd gathered around us once more and asked again “Who is your god” this time they pointed flaming torches towards my face and I screamed out “I don’t know” I woke up crying and covered in sweat. It was at this time I realised that quite literally I am ready to find out just who my god is, what I believe and who deserves my devotion. I have never any dream so vivid, so real and so inspiring before.

It was at this stage I was convinced that the universe was literally telling me to move on, to start discovering who I am spiritually as I killed off the “christian” side of me years ago and there has been a spiritual hole in my life ever since. I now look forward to the future and will start my yoga practices and daily meditation and see what happens.

Every now and again I give myself a half week off and weekend and head off down to Canberra to visit some dear friends for some much needed catch up time and relaxation for myself. I was looking forward to this week/end so much for such a long time, and with the lure of Oktoberfest thrown in for good measure, it was set to be an epic time away.

I arrived on Wednesday night, the whole way down I listened to Eat Pray Love the audiobook, a tradition when travelling to Canberra. Just listening to Aunty Liz read always calms my nerves and puts me in the right frame of mind for a rejuvenating time away. After a near miss accident with a crazed Sydney driver, I finally arrived and as I said hi to my friends, I headed straight to bed and passed out, having the best nights sleep I had in a while.

The next morning after awaking feeling refreshed and ready for a day of pleasure, I went outside to find that the weather was completely perfect, it wasn’t hot, it wasn’t cold it was just perfect. A beautiful 23 degree day with a hint of happy sun, we headed into Canberra to a little bakery where we feasted on coffee and croissants. As we wolfed down the flakey, buttery and moist pastries we talked about her upcoming trip to the USA in 2013. Unfortunately this means that my trips to Canberra for pastry and double cappuccino would no longer happen, as I attempted not to dwell on this and focus on what this means for my dear friend, I started thinking about everything that I had achieved in the last few years.

I have built up a group of entertainment websites that people are actually reading and hoping to generate an actual income soon, I am over halfway through a degree that should hopefully see me get a better job than the ones I have had in the past, working in an industry that I am actually interested in. I have recently re-kindled with an old flame that I thought was lost forever, and whilst we are not rushing anything, we are seeing where things will lead once we meet up again. This is an exciting prospect, as this is someone who I have loved for the majority of my life and due to circumstances that were outside both of our control, we were torn apart by distance and things drifted from there.

I obtained my drivers license in the last 12 months, something I thought I could NEVER do, and after a self-confidence I persevered and (eventually) got it and my very own car, a beast of a Barina that I have bonded with and is practically my second home.

As the conversation turned back to all the great things we would do in the whole month I was allowing myself to visit them in the US, I came to the realisation that things are looking up, I have come through a major depression and to the point where I felt like I couldn’t go on, I have moved beyond that and I am no longer needing anti-depressants or positive re-enforcements to get through the day. I had never really stopped to think about my mental health lately, I was so busy I had convinced myself that I was just too busy to stop and think about it, but as this realisation came about, I knew that it was actually dealt with. I had sucked all of the poison out of my life, had carefully selected friends to associate with, while severing ties (both face to face and online!) with others who do not bode my mental health well. Some of these people I have known my whole life and it was horrible having to let them go, but I had to do it for my own well-being.

After a day of outlet mall shopping, we were both feeling depleted and decided that we must return to the bakery for another round of pastries, this time through cherry pie, apple crumble and apple pie. We ordered them to go and headed back to the apartment for double cappuccino and a serving of these sweet irresistible pastries.

As I sipped my coffee and forked through my pastry at an alarming rate, I made a silent proclamation to myself, I had got through the dark times and didn’t need medication or a crutch to lean on to get me through it. It was the first time when I had relied completely on myself to make it through. Usually I pass this burden onto my friends and like a leech suck them dry of emotion and time with my depression. I was overwhelmingly proud of myself and finally feel that I am comfortable in my own company now, something that due to my social and outgoing nature I have never been able to do before. I don’t feel the need to constantly be around people, and in the last 6 months have spent more time with myself than I ever have previously. leech

Needless to say this was the goal of 2012 for me, and I feel that after a lot of soul searching and facing some extremely scary times when I didn’t think I would make it through. I pulled myself out of the pit that I had created for myself, and no-one was around for me to leech energy off.

It was a brand new year and I decided that it was going to be a brand new me to go with it. We resumed our usual pattern of fight after fight after fight. It became an endless cycle of frustration and I wasn’t sure of how much more I could take. My mental state began diminishing and I sank into a deep depression, every night he was at work and I went to bed alone I felt like I would not wake up. He began sleeping on the couch more and more and I had resided to the fact that this was the end and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

After I had resided to the fact that this was finally it I called my mother who had moved back to Newcastle and announced that I would be moving back to Newcastle and would need somewhere to stay while I sorted myself out with a new job and life. After I hung up the phone I drafted my resignation to my work and emailed it through to my boss. There was no way I could get out of the two week notice period so all I had to do was keep my brave face on for two weeks and get through it. I could not tell anyone where I was going, just that I was resigning from work and only those who where not connected to CB where kept in the loop. We maintained our Saturday night honey bbq lamb chops with mashed potato while watching Most Haunted. I would act scared so he would hold me (a weird thing he actually loved, I guess it made him feel like a man?).

That week CB decided that a solution to leaving me at home alone would to get someone else in as a housemate for the spare room out the back, a small boxy room with no air-conditioning that was barely considered liveable. Regardless of this the guy was straight, had an odd skin condition that left the bathroom reeking of tar and was just downright weird. We tried to all live together but it was odd being stuck in the house with a stranger at night and one who was not entirely social. This just escalated the issues and didn’t help anything. Fortunately he started to get a life and went out some nights and I was left alone. This gave me time to take inventory and make sure I knew where everything was while being careful not to move anything or make it look obvious that I was moving stuff around.

It was finally approaching, the day I was going to leave. I had everything planned, Kirsty would pick me up with another friend on Thursday night and we would pack their cars full of my stuff, I would stay at a work colleagues house on the Thursday and Friday night and get ready to fly home on the Saturday. CB didn’t know her or where she leaved so there was no chance he could find me. I was saying goodbye to everyone at work, got everything prepared to leave and never look back. It was what I had to do to survive, to pull myself out of this cycle and the only way I knew how to do it was to put distance between us.

The night was finally here, CB left for work as per usual and I as I said goodbye no feelings of love or regret where in my head. I was happy to be leaving and was so sure that he had no inkling that he would never see me again. Fortunately for me our new housemate had just got a job at a bar and was not at home either. I spent the next hour frantically packing everything I could possibly fit into my suitcases bequeathing the majority of my possessions to CB, I was just happy to be out of there.

Shortly after I had finished Kirsty arrived and we packed the cars full of whatever I could possibly fit. It was time, as I said my last goodbye to my beautiful Dior I wept uncontrollably. I wept for the friend she had been to me while Bull wasn’t there, for loving me unconditionally and always being there no matter what, for showing me what true love was. As I kissed her fur and hugged her as tightly as I could and said my final goodbye I turned around and walked out the front door, never to look back.

The day before I had bought a new phone number and upon leaving activated it and switched my old phone off. I got to my friends house and as we got everything out the car and readied ourselves to get some dinner and spend some time before I had to leave, we discussed what I was doing and if I felt any different now that I had actually left the house. After we had firmly established that this was it, we resumed our dinner and chatting about everything else, what I wanted to do when I got back to Newcastle, what I would do for work, when I would find another boyfriend and how I would move on.

That night as I lay down to go to sleep I had the urge to check my other phone, it was 1am, he would have been home by now and realised that I wasn’t there anymore. I switched it on and messages started flooding through, no sms messages just voicemails. I dialled voicemail and was surprised to hear Cherry Jones voice asking where I was and how I was doing, knowing full well that Bull was there asking to be consoled was an absolute joke. He had been out of contact for a long time and thought Cherry knew of my plans but I had to not let her in on it to avoid this. I sms’ed Cherry and assured her I was ok and that I was moving back home. Cherry drives a hard bargain and convinced me to meet up with CB the next day after my last day of work, I had to decline as I had a big night out planned. I agreed to Saturday morning, I wasn’t due to fly out till the afternoon. I got through my last day of work slowly and painfully, convinced I would miss everyone terribly and after I said goodbye headed into town to have dinner with friends and then hit the Adelaide club scene for one last farewell.

The next day after I got up and re-packed all of my stuff to decide what I could actually take and what I would get my friends to send up to me later it was finally time for me to meet with CB. We met in the city and he picked me up as he couldn’t park the car. I got into the car and was attacked from behind as Dior struggled to clamber her way into the front seat and into my lap. The bastard brought the dog! As I fought off Dior’s eager tongue and pushed her into the back seat my heart ached for my beautiful dog I knew I still had to go, my life and future would be at stake if I stayed.

We went to the beach and got some ice cream and went for a walk along the jetty with Dior in tow, talking about what my plans where and what was going to happen from here I still felt nothing and was happy to leave this all behind me (with the exception of Dior!). We walked back to the car and he dropped me back to my friends house. I went to get out the car with one huge hug to Dior, he asked if he could come to the airport later to say goodbye, to this I agreed. I knew it would be hard but it may give him closure and he could hopefully move on.

An emergency trip to the shops to buy some scales to weigh all my suitcases and calculate how much extra I would have to pay ($400 to be exact!) I finally passed through the gateway and into the departure lounge, Bull started crying hugging me so tight and whispering to me “Please don’t go, I love you so much” as he turned away and started walking I dropped to the ground. Sobbing uncontrollably I felt my heart saying “You stupid idiot! What are you doing? This mans loves you! You don’t just get on a plane and run away because you are having problems, newsflash! Everyone has problems! Start dealing with them!”

Kirsty rushed over to me and picked me up off the ground and helped me back over to my group of friends, all of whom where standing around with looks of support and strength. As I stood there listening to their chatter I drew on each of their individual strength to get me through the wait that seemed forever till I finally boarded the plane back to New South Wales.

The whole flight I was a blubbering mess, from the moment the plane took off I could not stop crying, if the poor passenger who sat next to me is reading this I do apologise profusely. I cried and cried and cried and cried some more. It was an extremely long three hour flight for everyone involved. As we landed in Sydney I got off the plane and kept crying. I went and met my suitcases, as I piled them onto the trolley and prepared myself for the three hour train trip back to Newcastle my heart started pounding. “What the fuck have I done!” is all I could think. Already my heart was physically aching for CB and I couldn’t breathe. I found myself sinking to the ground again, I turned on my phone and dialled CB. He answered “I miss you already” my heart started pounding faster, I could hear the blood pumping all through my body and I replied “I miss you too, what are you doing tonight?” I asked. “Nothing, just working in the garage on some things for the house” he replied “Want to pick me up at Adelaide airport in a couple of hours?” I said. I heard his heart skip several beats as I said this. “What? Really? Your coming back for me?” “I am coming back for US” I said. What followed was a mad rush to the Jetstar counter to organise a return flight as soon as possible, funnily enough it was the same plane I had just come over on, only this time no crying just joy, pure joy. I smiled the whole way back, my heart was still pounding like some kind of ceremonial tribute to my relationship and I knew that this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Seriously who was I kidding? You know how people say this stuff only happens in movies? Well I think I am the first who made it an actual reality.

The plane ride back was long and tedious, I felt like an eternity, like I was lost in a Shakesperian sonnett being brought back to my long lost love after an eternity of suffering.

I emerged from the airport and still can remember getting on the huge escalators descending down, CB was standing at the bottom of the escalators with flowers in one hand and the other wiping away tears. I got to the bottom of the escalators and I ran to him, there we stood embracing and kissing, he continued to wipe away tears as I did the same (seriously how gay can you get!) in the exact same spot where we had done the same thing 8 hours earlier. We agreed there would be no more running, no more sneaking out, no more avoiding anything, we would deal with our issues head on together, as a couple, as a unit and this was how it would have to be if we where going to continue our relationship.

We arrived back at the house to an over-joyed Dior who acted like she had not seen me for years. After I finally pried her off me our housemate walked out and said “Oh you’re back again?” looking me up and down. “Yep sure am” I replied with a huge grin. Safe to say that the next day he gave his two weeks notice that he would be moving out, and really can you blame him? Living with two toxic people who would rather stay together because it is easier than being apart and moving on, I don’t blame him at all and would have done the same thing in his position.

That night we spend the night talking and having incredible make up sex, earth shattering, mind blowing, why did we think we could be apart sex that we had not had for so long. We had been so disconnected from each other for so long we where definitely on our way to reconnecting and re-establishing ourselves as a couple.

I lay in his arms and we talked about the crazy week and how we could still work things out and be together. Dior was allowed to sleep in the bedroom that night and as she lay at our feet wagging her tail as she looked at us, as if giving her own seal of approval that her mummy and daddy where back together (yes I was the mummy!) I felt content, happy, that my moving out and flying back was a wake up call, a sure sign that we had to start appreciating each other and it was time to move beyond the cheating, the lies, the mis-trust and force ourselves forward into a place of commitment, love and trust. Such things are easy to think and talk about but when it comes down to it actually doing it is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. I decided to stop thinking about where he was and what he was doing when he wasn’t with me, I could trust that he was at work, or at his parents, or out at the shops and that is all he was doing.

For the next couple of weeks I spent trying to convince my Adelaide friends that I wasn’t crazy and was still a mentally sound person. I sorted about getting my job back and negotiated having a small break to get myself together and work on my relationship and my own life to get everything back to how it was. CB and I where closer than we have ever been and it felt like we would get through this and where finally at a new place that we where destined to be.

Immediately in the days following this things with CB started getting intense, we spent amazing nights cooking dinner for each other and watching movies. He introduced me to Dermalogica face products, we would spend our weekends hunting down Sony Aibos (a robotic dog do not even get me started on how much of life I wasted on this!) CB had a housemate named Ellen, she was a short dumpy sort of creature who was nice to your face but a cold hearted bitch behind your back and you never knew were you stood with her. After a couple of weeks CB and I got more serious, I would spend most of my time at his place or vice versa and before I came along they were attached at the hip. CB worked two jobs and a lot of the time I would be watching movies at his house waiting for him to get home. One night I found a card on his dresser from the sheriff advising to contact them immediately as they had a warrant out for his arrest as I picked up the card and stood there in complete shock I walked out to the kitchen and Ellen was there making some dinner. She could see something was wrong with me and asked what was up, not thinking properly I told her about the card and she grabbed me and sat me on the couch.

“Oh honey” she said “I have to keep telling the sheriff that he is not here and he is avoiding the whole thing. He really is not a nice person deep down. He has so many people after him he really is not someone I would want to be in a relationship with” As I sat on the couch attempting to process all of this information I was in complete shock. My idea of the perfect man and relationship was now beginning to diminish. “Also honey I wanted to tell you this earlier but didn’t know how you would react but he has guys here all the time, like when you are not here he has got someone else here.” The tree inside me began to wither and I began to cry uncontrollably, she comforted me and convinced me that all the proof I needed was to go through his internet browsing and IM history.

Let me go on the record and put in writing right now that I do not condone doing this under ANY situation it will only make a bad situation worse and there are better ways to get the truth out of someone. That being said at the time I did not know of or acknowledge this wisdom so I delved into the last 3 months of IM in MSN messenger and found messages from other guys wanting to meet up with him, the worst one I read was someone who wanted to meet up in a park and have CB piss all over him. I was completely disgusted and thought this was the end of my very first relationship. Ellen announced the she was going to bed and left me alone in the lounge room, immediately I called Cherry Jones and told her everything, within 5 minutes CB called me and said he was on his way home.

He arrived home and we locked ourselves in the bedroom and he explained everything, the sheriff thing was a mis-understanding with a civil dispute and the IM history was because he was confused about what we were and said that I was not giving him clear signals about what I wanted and thought of him. As I sat there processing all of this information I told him exactly how I was feeling and then out of my word came the three little words “I love you” He looked at me and looked like he was about to cry “I am sorry I do care about you a lot but I am not there yet” Normally this would be crushing for any normal person but no not me that just makes me dig in my talons in to the relationship more and convince myself that it will evolve over time and he will love me eventually.

The next few weeks I would stay at my house and wait for CB to finish work, he would pick me up on his way through and the plan was that I would never be alone with Ellen again. They were barely talking and things were becoming hostile between the two of them and I was stuck in the middle of it all. She would go out Friday night and stay out all weekend as we usually stayed at his house for the whole weekend. After a month of avoiding each other things turned hostile when morning trips to the shower would involve urinating in Ellen’s shampoo, conditioner and body wash. Extremely juvenile, incredibly immature and overwhelmingly hilarious. These acts of war incurred a retaliation when she returned the favour in over $1500 worth of Dermalogica products. The only solution for us was to move out so we spent the next month looking at every place in the city when we finally found an apartment in the main street of the city close to everything and it seemed like we had found our perfect solution. A few days before the move we were laying in bed when he turned to me and said “I love you” completely out of the blue and I am a little ashamed to admit that I did cry and as he hugged me and kissed me I felt like this was the beginning of the rest of my life. This was the relationship I had waited for my whole life, I could feel flowers blooming on the tree inside me and I was finally happy.

Tonight I locked myself in the university hub in town determined to get this damn assignment finished, it is a group project and I cannot wait until the whole ordeal is over. This semester has been a horrible one, plagued with subjects that I find completely uninteresting, lecturers that do not care about you or your future and a whirlwind work environment of the unknown. It has all made me quite exhausted and I cannot wait for a break for some well deserved R&R. The catch is that I have a new job which is going to eliminate my holidays and any sort of rest I was looking forward to. I should not complain a lot of people are unemployed and cannot find work for the life of them so I should be grateful.

The assignment just keeps going and with an empty stomach I decided being right near a main eating district I should take an hour out and treat myself. I went to De Luca’s on Darby which as you might recall was the restaurant I have been to before but on a date. This time I also was on a date but with the best person I know. Me. This may sound horribly conceited but in the fast few months I have come to know that this is true. I never let myself down, I constantly push myself to be a better person, I am more giving, more loving, more honest and more faithful than I have ever been before. The other day I looked in the mirror and for the first time I said to myself “You look good today” followed by “You look DAMN good today!” and took a photo to celebrate this first occurrence in my life.

I sat down and immediately ordered a glass of house red, the perfect accompaniment to any Italian meal, I scoured the menu for something that I have not had before but alas I went with old faithful Spaghetti with Chorizo and Tomato Ragu. As I waited for the meal to arrive I continued reading my new favourite book Summer & The City by Candace Bushnell I have not being able to put it down all week. On my fourth page in a group of two girls and two guys squeezed into the table next to me. My beautiful pasta arrived and the girls heads turned to face me, as I plunged my fork deep into the pasta swirling it around while delicately balancing my wine in my other hand while grappling my book I’m sure not looking as elegant or relaxed as I thought I was one of the girls said “Wow that is that? It smells amazing!” “Italian pasta with chorizo and tomato ragu its fabulous!” I replied “That looks like the perfect night! A book, pasta and red wine!” the other girl proclaimed. “It’s my date for me, my very first one and it could not be better!” the words just spewed out of my mouth. Both girls smiled at each other and said “Well have fun honey you deserve it!” I nodded and got back to my pasta and my book.

Normally I would laugh at anyone that did this or said such things but the feeling of eating amazing food, while being completely content and happy within yourself and for the first time in your whole life feeling some sort of love for yourself is just a feeling that I could never possibly put into words. It’s amazing, it’s marvellous, it’s spendifferous! I could write about this all night! Alas I have an assignment to get back to and if I want to have any form of weekend that’s what I should be doing now!

Tonight I feel positive that I took the very first step to balance Eat, Pray, Love and just for the record there will be NO “self-love” or “how’s ya father” as one of my friends so eloquently put it, I am far too tired for that!

Tonight I went out which is odd for a Tuesday night but movies are cheap on tuesdays who knew?
After seeing Water For Elephants and bawling my eyes out I was in need of some much deserved comfort through the form of white chocolate chai and banana crepes.

As the 4 of us sat down with out chocolate and talked about pretty much everything that has been going on for the last couple of weeks it made me realise just how crazy life has been and how the meditation has helped me stay centred through all of it.

This Saturday I am going to a meditation retreat and I hope to get closer to finding my centre and smoothing out the crazy as some days it is still here in all it’s glory.

When I got home my wireless network was not working, it has been running for 2 months without a reboot and took a forced “break” while I decided to have one as well. It got me thinking so much of our lives are on auto pilot we just plod along doing the same thing over and over but do we ever take time to properly re-boot?

Dolce farn’iente made famous by Liz Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love really struck a chord with me, we need to work flat out and burn out before we take a break, we have to justify rest and relaxation. I find myself doing it all the time. “I won’t sit down until I have done a couple of hours of uni work, then some housework then a workout” this kind of justification is ridiculous, there are some days when we just need to take time out and do nothing. This is easier said than done especially in our world today it is a concept that most would find crazy and brand as laziness.

In finding balance for your life justification for rest is a hard thing to do, I feel much more rested, settled and balanced this year than I ever have in my life and look forward to it being like this for the rest of my days. Some days we just need a good reboot to avoid a system shutdown.

Last night was my little sisters birthday party a small group of close friends and family gathered for dinner at a local pub. Looking over the pub menu I found myself not wanting anything at all on the menu, the usual array of chicken schnitzels, chips, wedges, pizzas I had no idea what I wanted as none of it appealed to me. I ended going with a “fisherman’s basket” which consisted of fish, prawns, mussels, calamari all of which where deep fried to the extreme with the usual chips and tasteless side salad.

As I tried to get the greasy food down without vomiting I thought about how much my life had changed in relation to food choices and taste. I think it is all the home cooking and fresh food I have been eating that just made me feel sick eating this rubbish and paying quite a high price for it too. One of the guests asked me if I had a “partner” a polite way of asking if I was gay and if I had a boyfriend. The usual “no it’s just me” response was forming in my head when I blurted out “No way! I’m a career woman!” just spewed out of my mouth immediately after I said it I regretted it but it is too late I could not take it back. This immediately plunged me into my “why am I single?” frames of thinking.

After I finished my “meal” I started to work the room and talk to some of my sisters friends that I had not seen in a while. One in particular has been overseas for a couple of years hairdressing. We started talking about her travels and found out that she now has a boyfriend and the most amazing fact is that he is french! grandiose! This immediately sparked my interest and we discussed how amazing French is and in particularly French food. We discussed my impending trip next year and in particular having to travel to the South of France and to go skiing. I expressed my desire to have what she has…a french man! She confirmed that they are exactly how the movies depcit them…romantic, sweet and loyal. “As soon as you have been on a couple of dates they stop seeing anyone else and see you as exclusive” she said.

The whole conversation fuelled my desire to go to France and fall in love. The catch was she did not meet him in France, she met him in Australia through a friend at a party. So maybe there is hope after all! I cannot wait for the “Love” part of my journey to begin! Bring on July 1!!!

Facebook has taken over our lives, people used to talk then the mobile phone was introduced then we called and this is how we communicated. After this we reverted to SMS as a major way of communicating and then came along a little website called Facebook. Facebook has been known to be used a method of communication for calling in sick to your boss, sending a message to your friends, chatting online with friends (goodbye MSN!).

There is a down-side to facebook the “status update” feature has turned it into a voyeuristic world where we can monitor our friends and random people who have added us as friends, old class mates from school, people we have just met at parties the night before and we invite them to our lives with full access to our status updates, drunk photos, random likes and the ability that this generation has to say whatever they like with no consequences.

The part that bothers me is that we add anyone as a friend and I know people who have taken great offence to not being added to my Facebook and the truth is after a MAJOR friend cleanse and Facebook overhaul I truly do rely on it too much as a form of communication and as a tool to “check up” on my friends and see what they have been up to instead of actually communicating with them face to face or by phone. While I understand the advancement in technology I think it’s a barrier that I need to overcome as I am on it ALL the time.

So after much soul searching I have decided as of June 1 I will not be on Facebook for a whole month, I will not log on and leave status updates, check on my friends, pray for notifications to see if anyone has posted on my wall. I understand that my array of nightclubs in “Nightclub City” will no doubt suffer but I will have to live with that. Rock number two I will be taking on that walk FACEBOOK.

This week I am having an incredibly bad fat week every day I feel like I am just not losing weight and getting fatter. I have been exercising and eating well so I know its not that it is the view I have of myself is not a good one (note this is not a self pity post so please don’t take it that way).

Self esteem has ALWAYS been a big issue for me, ever since I can remember I have never been happy with how I look. A friend of mine once said that everyone has their days when they think they look good. I can honestly say, hand on my heart that I have NEVER had one of those days.

Feeling good about myself is one of the hardest things I think I will ever have to face. It’s even hard to write about! There is no easy way to cure this and I have no idea how I am going to get through it. However it is going to be my first rock and I am going to throw it off the cliff and try and move past it. If anyone out there has any ideas or suggestions of how I can get through it I would appreciate your comments. Positive affirmations can only go so far.