Using a Pantone colour chart, identify the exact colours your wife is happy with and can confirm helps better her mood.

Now agree on material, cotton, cotton blend, satin, e.t.c.

If cotton was selected, now agree upon thread count as this will have a bearing on comfort level, Her comfort equals your comfort. Very important.

Go to an outlet that has a decent understanding and stock of bath and bedding items and state your preferences. If you have gone to the store with your wife, proceed to 8. If solo, skip to 9.

When the store attendant makes recommendations and suggestions, observe wife. If the hairs on her neck have risen, pretend to be very angry at attendant for showing you rubbish sub-standard products. Keep repeating, scowling and tutting until you see something that makes your wife’s neck hairs settle down. Ask her if she’s happy with selection and if affirmative proceed to pay.

When the store attendant makes recommendations and suggestions, pretend to be the king of bedsheets. Proceed to lecture him on how important thread count is to your wife and how he should incorporate that into his sales strategy. Argue on the price of the bedsheets even if it’s a fixed price store like a supermarket. See if you can get a discount for buying without the pillow covers.

Once the sheets have been washed and ironed, hold two short edged in your hand as wife holds the other two. Proceed to place sheet on bed, smoothing it towards you as you lay it. Tuck in all edges under mattress and smooth out any bumps.

Admire the sheets for about 2-3 minutes and then get shouted at by the wife for selecting the wrong colour that doesn’t match with the curtains, thread count being too low as it feels rough to lie on, and for not asking or doing enough research before buying.

Give wife more money so she can go buy bedsheets as well as a few glasses of wine to recover from this traumatic experience.

Promise yourself never to get involved in purchasing decisions for the house.