ah ha moment

so yup me again....... like i said when i hit the lotto you will all get checks!!!

i am with difficult child, we walk into store i wanted to buy glasses (drinking glasses) i was excited, set aside the 20 bucks to do it. i had taken difficult child to the library did the mom thing, got her a muffin for breakfast. the glasses were for me.

may sound silly, yet i have bought countless sets of glasses for years. kids break them. i have bought a set of 4 wine glasses kids use them and break them. it really makes me sad each dinner that we have to sit with-6 ppl table covered with odd glasses, mugs, etc.

sounds silly i know so much more is wrong here yet it upsets me ALOT. my grandmother instilled in me "set a nice table" yet i just cant' seem to ever. these miserable kids put their paws on absolutely anything nice and break it.

so i pick the glasses out, difficult child and i handle them make sure their sturdy i'm totally invisioning myself washing them putting them in cabinet lol.

we walk to register, difficult child spots pull ups depends actually. she says oh ma i'm out of them again, the other ones you got just dont work. i being the selfless mom i am, go over put the glasses down im sure i had a frown on i wont lie. i pick up the depends and that's where my money went. NOT MY GLASSES.

as i stood on line it hit me. i really hate my life lately. i just hate it. i wake up each day and i say ok one more day difficult child, easy child, the dogs, husband pain in my butt literally.

yup you know me i know the drill i do the gratitude journal, i listen to the therapist tell meit's amazing you arent' depressed, i'm funny make ppl laugh, be there for those who need me in my life.

yet i'm tired of it. im able to function, dont' need the medications. im not bed ridden. yet i need to gain control not just of this home the kids my marriage balls in air on all. yet me needs to gain a sense of self. i've gotten lost and eaten up in the mix terribly.

im just terribly sad. i'm locked in everyday here. no time for me, no out time. last weekend difficult child went to dad's and what did i do spent time with-easy child because she needed it. monday husband was going to watch kids for two hours so i could go to library alone and than join gym. what happened ortho guy called for difficult child's arm only available appointment in an hr. ps.. sat there 3 hours with-kids waiting.

i made a promise to me when i left portland i'd put me first again. yet since i've returned where am I? i struggle to get time alone will take my hot bubble baths, steal a bit away to come on here. all ofyou are graet yet it's not enough. i want sooo much more.

i keep telling myself jen hold on baby your time will come. yet when? i live through the kids enjoyment when they have it. watch them ride the horse. i want to ride teh stupid horse. watch them take pleasure in anything i do for them. yet what do i do for me.

i dream of working again, having a life, friends like i used to have.. i didnt' know how lucky i was. dream of not hating my husband with whom i'm ready to toss, dream of a dinner out. yet each time we plan it we have a housefull of rowdy kids to attend to.

i take pleasure in the small things at this point it's all ive got.i can really functional off minimal. i can iv'e done it i can be the trooper. yet i'm tired now. i've lived my entire life for my kids now past 4 years husband's job, his ex, his kids, his schedule. i'm just tired of it all. than i stand in the store looking at my 5'5 tall almost 12 year old who still wets the bed every night and realize that there is no reprieve in sight. god granted me this amazingly complicated person who almost all my energies go to.

sorry i just had to go somewhere with-it couldnt' afford another therapy session lol. i think i just miss me so very much. the me who used to paint (can't afford paints or canvas anymore), the me who used to have friends go out with-them and have fun. who used to walk my dog on the beach ALONE. who would go riding once a mos. just for me, go to dinner with-my husband have a few drinks and just get stupid. i've been in lock down for almost 9 mos. now and i cant' take it anymore.

sorry and thanks for letting me vent. i get i'm all over the board as of late. it's time to take ownership change the things for me that need changing. yet how when one can't find the time? i do therapy in my bathroom begging difficult child to leave me alone. so yea ah -ha i'm depressed and tired of it all!!

We're such klutzes that most of our glassware (outside of the coffee mugs) is plastic. My parents had matching stuff, it hardly ever got used. Mom liked these big insulated plastic mugs (legally blind, so again plastic was a good choice), Dad would use whatever, and I had my favorite cups/glasses. I have matching clear plastic "glasses". They don't break too often.
Ya, I'm no help, I know.

As I was once told, if something really matters, you don't find the time, you make the time.

I bet every single ones of us have felt the same way. Never in a million years did we anticipate that we would be dealt a losing hand for years on end. on the other hand all of us who have had limited means know that it's unrealistic to think that we can go back to the lifestyle we had before marriage, parenting etc. Sounds like a great idea but the reality is that the chances are slim to none. It's depressing...but true.

Now on a realistic note, lol, I finally accepted that I do not live my grandma's life nor do I live my Mom's life. I feel lucky to have china, silver and crystal for holidays but years ago I started purchasing glasses that look like glass but aren't. The only department store I visit has them in varying sizes, they are sturdy and unbreakable and they do actually look like glass. It has saved me alot of stress as I no longer have to worry about lost or broken glasses. I'm all for reduced stress. Hugs DDD

Believe me, in every way, you are not alone. I think we have all felt it....and it blows big chunks of asphalt.
I am so sorry, and I am sending a thousand hugs.
Things to look forward to - difficult child is 12 and you only have 5 more years????
It will be the way you want it to be soon - just hang on - tough it out - you will, eventually get the life you not only need but deserve.

thanks guys and its ok just venting at times helps. i just hate my life. i have to figure out how not to hate it anymore and what to do to make it somewhat of what "i" want. for example husband went to store just the other night got milk and juice. difficult child finishs both gallons the next day. i talk to her about not consuming tons of liquids have the healthy food speech with her etc.

where does it go??

so i run out today buy another thing of milk half gallon this time, no orange juice told her we're in for 20 bucks this week on it. enough. i tell her please drink water. i go in my room to type on here what does she do?
f
finishes half of bottle of soda mine diet i had sitting hidden in kitchen. than proceeds to polish off the little bit of milk left in gallon than drinks half of the half gallon. so there's no milk again. i told her i've had it with her across the board i really have. she's on thin ice i'm tired of her ****. between the smelling everyday to the fighting to get up fighting to go to bed, fighting to do her laundry, put her clothes on, not drink all the liquids in the house, calling my name at night. i'm just done.

i know i guess the glasses were just symbolic of how i'm feeling. my mom called in the middle of my difficult child meltdown and i vented which I NEVER do. she than proceeded to tell me i'm acting like a martyr. she also told me put her in school regardless if shes' ready or not and move on with your life. can you imagine? p.s. every doctor says dont' she isnt' ready.

am i acting that way? she is a piece of work. she's on my you know what list. i hate when she baits me boy do i hate it i have so much ugliness in me for that woman lol. i gotta bite my lip to stay respectful

while i'm being overally honest and incredibly difficult child right now let it be known i hate my mother. i always have. hates a strong word i highly dislike her. if she wasn't my mother i seriously wouldnt' know her at all. i really wouldnt'.

good lies wtihin her yet it's too far down to see. i'm just not interested in peeling back the layers anymore. done it for years and i'm tired of it. she's selfish, self serving, a carpy grandmother, spends zero time with-these kids than guilts them that they dont' call. you call her she goes on about hersefl you literally can't get a word in edgewise. she sits on some pedestal she decided to put herself on that she doesnt' belong on and judges the word like the witch that she is.

oh my haozi i can't believe how much anger i have inside me lol. wow!! i seriously need kickboxing and all over glasses. guess we just never know where our personal line is. it wasn't the two hospitalizations for me it was glasses!! LOL>

she's a witch of a woman. i go there wow she lights up cigarettes right infront of my kids at the dinner table, than gets out her bottle of wine like the good alcoholic she is and downs glass after glass. can anyone even imagine sitting in judgement of others when one can live their own life clean?

she waits to give her "golden" advice. i keep telling her in the nicest way possible your tough love approach wo'nt work on this one she's a sick girl. yet onward she goes. i don't think she's ever uttered the words your a good mom. ever. ok now this is turning into a therapy session LOL

Well, I'm totally floundering on trying to help Steely because I can't land quite the right flow of thoughts, but yeah, I know the kind of parents (or grandparents) who believe in the tough love approach for everything (even when proven it doesn't work with a particular kid or situation), and for reasons that need not be mentioned I've seen a lot of hypocrisy from people in a position to not only know better but should've been setting a far better example.

However, back to the beginning of this post! Jena, you are in the thick of things right now. I remember how awfully tough it was when Cory was 12. Thats how old he was when I joined this board...can you believe it? Now look where we are! LOL. Actually, this month was my 12th anniversary here. I was so stuck in the midst of misery that I never thought I would see the end of parenting teens. I actually thought they would kill me. Back then, I swore I hated kids, I couldnt wait till they grew up and moved out, and I never wanted to have anything more to do with them. I swore I didnt want grandchildren either...lmao. Can you even imagine that one? I was furious when I found out Cory was going to be a father. FURIOUS! At least he waited until he was over 18 though.

When Cory actually turned 18, I threw a party including champagne. He thought I did it for him. Ha! It was for me. I was so thrilled that my final kid was an adult and I was no longer legally responsible for them that I could have done cartwheels.

Problem though is...look at me now. I still have kids at home. I still dont have a set of dishes that match or glasses that match. I still drink out of plastic cups or soda bottles. I still buy my flatware at the dollar store because it goes missing so often I refuse to pay good money for it. I keep saying...one day. One day when....they boys are gone. Now its...one day...when the grandkids are grown...lmao.

I moved straight from having little boy toys to big boy toys to little girl toys. Now though, I kind of like it that way. I have a whole different perspective on things.

One day you are going to wake up and your kids arent going to be there clamoring for your attention every 15 seconds and you will suddenly realize that there is silence. And you will miss these days. You dont think you will now...but you will. You will look at the pictures you have and remember every little thing that ever happened with the girls. And it will be good. Right now is just hard.

Take it from a mom who has been through the trenches and is sitting on the other side.

Go look at this. Its my favorite video of all time I think. We heard the song as we were leaving to take Jamie to bootcamp and we cried buckets.

you are right and you wouldnt' believe it yet i adore kids, all kids. i truly do. i love hanging out with them, talking to them their innocence just all of it. seeing the world through their eyes.

i guess i just feel beat up. i've tried so many things for difficult child since it seems like age 4 it hit, we knew early with the not sleeping etc. yet once she hit school tha'Tourette's Syndrome when the fun awlays begins. i feel defeated because nothing i do, change, doctor's medications nothing helps her at all.Star's told me too it's that one thing you just cant' do well. yet thing is it's the most important.

the glasses was just no big deal yet something snapped in me and i did the woo is me routine and bad i know i did. i used to be able to fit in all the good junk the painting on my easel, my free time, etc. yet i guess that slots' been taken up by marriage and husband.

did you feel that way? that your home was under seige by him since birth? i love her please dont' misunderstand. yet she'll be 12 on monday and to be very honest i'm afraid. im afraid of where she'll wind up, what the next year will bring. will she ever have a friend in this lifetime go to school, function normally take a shower care be positive? will she stop wetting her bed ever?

parenting easy child as i'm sure you knwo day and total night. now she's kicking up the teen years have been a huge struggle obviously. yet up till than she was a walk in the park. nothing and imean nothing i do with difficult child works. ppl keep mentioning residential yet i dont' wanna give up the fight. it doesnt' feel right yet. i dont' know if this post was so much about me and what i'm missing, as to what she's missing by always being with me each night each day with me. i feel like i cant' breath she gets aggrivated i get frustrated she blows up i blow up. yuck.

than in the background as i go through the trenches here is literally the only and i mean only place that gets it. my mom continuously throws out stupid suggestions meaning well from her perch yet she has no idea what life is like. what it's like not to be able to pee alone, or watch your kid sit day after day alone. gut wrenching.

yea i look at you, your life and it gives me hope i will not lie. and yes i'll be that grandma who bakes the cookies, does the babysitting offers help. tha'Tourette's Syndrome the grandma they didnt' get. it's not about cig. smoke lol i saw your other response on last thread. it's about the lack of trying to "get" difficult child spend time with her connect. they invite us over she sits there with-me smoking and drinking away rambling on about HER life. doesn't sit with-difficult child color, talk, etc.

i guess i need to take a deep breath, find some me time in this insanity i'm wearing thing take care of me somehow make the time at some point. so i can handle the rest. i've held strong so far and i just feel like now im faltering and kinda like ok i give i give lol.

Go get the glasses instead of the depends, and a bottle of wine. Let the kid do his business all over the house. When your Mom calls - you'll be gassed. She'll rush over immediately, step in a pile of something she didn't want to, call CPS - they'll haul the kids off, you'll end up in the state Bed and Breakfast - you GET to go to therapy for free, have craft class (get those paints and canvass you've been wanting!!!) BONUS~~ and that vacation without the kids you've been wanting - a little time away from the hubby, no cooking, no cleaning, - probably some new slippers (I hear you can make them out of maxi pads!) and come home fully rested to deal with it all over again in about 6 months but ......