Thank you for choosing to pass whichever arid segment of time you're currently dragging yourself through by looking at this.

That's enough out of you Sean Bean.

The map is taking ages to load. It is quite big.A few mods to mention:RED modpack (to make the units look more like Civ V), Alternative fog of war (to make the fog of war look more like Civ V), YnAEMP (to make the maps big like in Civ V) and Our Sovereign Nation: Quotes (for quotes not read out by Sean Bean). Thanks to the people who made them.

It's not that I don't like Sean Bean but he has to do a lot of reading for this and he doesn't read too well.

Apparently he once got stabbed in the hand in a pub. The story goes that he beat the bejesus out of the guy who did it, bandaged up his hand and then went back to the bar.

Here we go.

They say that in those days Paris wasn't very gay at all.

The French gazed across the water and felt a sense of unease. And then Sean Bean quoted Wordsworth and they all felt much worse. The worst was yet to come.

They acted busy and managed to get away from the not French person, inventing in one afternoon the shrug, the offhand manner and ennui. Then they met the Belgians who were unaccountably well armed but at least didn't say much. The worst was yet to come, again.

Germans.

German Fred started banging on about City States so the French had a look to the South and found the Swiss.

Paris was starting to grow and some more Frenchmen picked up blunt objects and went for a look around. A mood of optimism spread as wine, horses, cheese dispensers and something that tablecloths could be made from were spotted. And just like that 'lunch' was invented.

In the South they found another big wet thing that moved a bit but fortunately no one started shouting gibberish at them from the other side of it like at the one in the North. Also, the inhabitants of the village there turned out to be tradesmen. This run of luck wasn't to last long.

Phil seemed almost as tiresome as Vicky had but the French were by now well practised in aloofness. One of them had even caught a nerve in his neck from shrugging too much. Sometimes, however, even the most expert show of superior indifference isn't enough.

Some scoundrels had set up shop on the West coast. Both platters of Frenchmen were alerted by messenger pigeon. Economy dictated that nothing be wasted and so the leaders lunched heartily before setting off for the encampment.

Well fed and unusually energetic since the tradesmen from the village had been press-ganged into doing all the work, they beat the scoundrels into a meaty pulp. Some say the eureka moment for pâté was sparked on that day.

"France!" One of them shouted suddenly as they walked home across it."Nonono." another of them corrected him "Le France!"Another shortlived mood of optimism prevailed.

Even without the inexplicable scouse accent and the anachronistic things he was saying, Trajan would have seemed a complete bell-end. But since everyone they'd met had been in some way or other awful, didn't it make sense to take some sort of action?

Since Rouen is there now, there are more things between Paris and the English. So the logic ran. Unfortunately the Germans had had exactly the opposite idea.

The outrage was dense, fruity and with a tart citrusy aroma when the German settlers were spotted initially.

By the time they had passed Paris it had thickened into a substance that one vendor attempted to sell, with moderate success, as a soft cheese.

The noose was quickly tightened and since this was still the glorious era before closed borders or consequences for killing people...

Matters were resolved. The Germans were informed that they were in France and so were now French. The brightest one looked as if she was going to question this but chose not to when one of her captors spontaneously invented the 'significant look employing a raised eyebrow'.

Just in case, and in accordance with the putting things between Paris and the foreigners principle, they were sent to the South West.

Meanwhile, both platters went to see if Big Fred was going to do anything in response. It appeared he was not. Hopeful shrugging and puffing out of the cheeks was carried out with military efficiency. Then something else happened.

It was a close run thing, but fear overcame arousal and the French made their excuses and left. They had other things to think about, what with Rome declaring war on the Swiss, but Gorgo's proposition (threat?) was hard to just forget about.

With a group of settlers finally kitted out with enough wine and horse jerky for the trek to a place between Paris and the Romans, the French had some thinking to do. Work was begun on a place where old French people could tell younger French people how exceptionally French being French was. Seeing the Roman attack on Geneva get going they began to think about walls to keep less French stuff out of France.

Will the French find a place to settle between Paris and Rome before they run out of horse jerky and invent a sinister type of fraternal pâté? Will the Romans take Geneva? Will Fred the German seek vengeance or has he completely forgotten what happened? Why is Trajan from Liverpool? How long is Gorgo's offer (demand?) on the table and how much of it would hurt? How many other awful foreigners are there out there? Exactly how big is the map? Will Paris get gay soon or much later or not at all?Find some or all of this and definitely other things you currently don't know you want to know next time in Utter Frenchness.