Ramblings and Recipes

Want to know an interesting piece of information? If you are a birth mother who voluntarily placed her child for adoption, you may be ineligible for adoption. Sound like something from times gone by? Allow me to let you know how recent this information is: today. When I was married in the past, my ex-husband and I were looking into adoption. One of the questions that was asked by each of the adoption agencies that we spoke to was if we had ever had a child that was placed for adoption. It also asked about children that were removed from custody, but that is not the focus of this article. I honestly answered the question. "Yes" I wrote in. When the social worker looked at our form, each and every time, their face would go from relaxed and easy to tense. One woman asked "Did you mean to check off that you were looking to adopt?" I shook my head. "We are here to adopt, but I also placed a child for adoption when I was a teenager. I was very young and I knew that I could not provide a good environment for a baby while I was still a child." She started tapping her pen on the desk from tip to end. "I don't know how to say this. I really don't. You can't adopt a child if you have placed a child for adoption." We sat there, dumbfounded. She continued. "You can't decline to share it, either. It is linked to the records through your date of birth and your social security number. " She smiled a very forced smile. "The only option for you is to go surrogate. No agency in the United States will allow you to adopt a child if you have placed a child up for adoption. Not even a state agency." She thanked us for our time, shook our hands and ushered out of the building, lest the taint of my "sin" contaminate her. My ex and I were not deterred. We tried several more agencies, some in person and some on the telephone. We were blunt when we spoke on the phone. "Can we adopt if one of us has placed a child for adoption?" Each time, we were told "No. You cannot." Sometimes, the next sound that we heard was dial tone. It was one of the most disheartening times of my life. I had been told by the agency that I placed my child with that we would "both be starting with a clean slate." I had been told that "No one need know about this part of your life." I always responded with "I am not ashamed of my child. I did not go out to try and get pregnant. I never wanted that. I was molested." The incident with my ex-husband is something that I have not thought about in over a decade until a friend of mine called me today to tell me that she and her husband had been declined by an adoption agency because she had placed a child for adoption while she was still in college. All of those raw emotions came forward for me. It hurt to basically be told that you are not eligible to raise a life because you placed a life up for adoption when you could not raise them. There has to be a better way to treat birthmothers. Not to marginalize them or punish them for a decision that they were encouraged to make when their child was born. For some of these women, the choice was not even a choice. They were told that they would not be able to return home if they chose to parent their child. They were made to end the relationship with the birth father. There are as many stories as there are birthparents. The decision to place a child for adoption is not one that is made lightly. When I was pregnant with my son, I promised all of my family members that I would place my child for adoption. I promised them that I would "do the right thing". That did not stop me from having hopes and dreams for myself and the child that I was carrying. That did not stop me later in life wanting to have a little family to raise. I am not a secret and this needs to stop.

I always advocate either creating a paper trail for future generations of genealogy or following a paper trail when trying to find someone who is deceased. A friend of mine is going through a close family member being placed in a hospice center. When I worked for a church years ago, we had a list of things that a person who is the caregiver should do ahead of time in order to have as smooth a transition for themselves and their family member as possible. I am going to include it here as I feel it would provide a lot of places to look for hints and clues about their ancestors. Enjoy and good luck in your search.

Hospice Care Checklist for Family Members for End of Life Care and Aftercare. The most loving act that a person will do for another person is the planning and execution of funeral and aftercare arrangements. No longer is the person there to give approval. It is strictly an act of love, obligation and respect that allows a survivor to complete the plans of the funeral.Pre-planning for Funeral and Burial

Arrangements. Make burial and funeral arrangements now. Pre-need plans are significantly cheaper that urgent need plans. You may also want to look in the classified section of your newspaper to look at costs as sometimes people sell off plots due to relocation/divorce and other family changes.

Headstone. Make headstone plans now, don't just look at the funeral home. There are many places that create headstones that are not affiliated with the funeral home/cemetery.

Viewing. Decide if there will be a viewing/wake or other memorial service at the funeral home or if there will only be a graveside service. The price difference can be significant.

Burial Clothing. Decide what you would like your family member to be buried in as far as clothing and any mementos that they may like to have.

Programs. Some families want programs as a memorial for attendees, for others, the family group is too small to warrant this. For smaller families, this may not be necessary, or it may be simpler to create and print off copies yourself on a computer.

Write the obituary now. Include full name, birth place, death place, marriage/s, spouses, child/ren, grandchildren, great grandchildren in the first part of the notice. The next part could contain the names of the deceased's parents and siblings and other family. Most funeral homes will now provide a no cost listing online as well, in order to allow distant family and friends to express their condolences. Choose at least one photo to contribute to this. You should also list profession, hobbies, place they worked at the longest and any items of interest to the reader. If you would like something read at graveside, prepare it now.

Personal Mementos. For people that are not listed in the will, you may still want to make sure that they get a memento of their loved one. This is the time to find those mementos and set them in a secure location. Mail them to the people that are listed after the funeral or disperse them after the graveside service, not before. You don't want them to be dropped or damaged at the funeral.

Luncheon afterwards. For some, the idea of having people in the home after the funeral can feel “too soon”. Make that clear to people who will be at the funeral and offer to share a meal at a restaurant or something similar.

Make a “call list”now. It doesn't matter if you know the number by heart. Include everyone that you would like to notify of the death. Include the number for the funeral home at the top of the list. You don't want to search for telephone numbers at a time like this. It can be very confusing. For the rest of the calls, break it into categories of Immediate, during normal hours, and can wait.

Clothing. Decide what you will wear to the funeral.

Charity donation or flowers. Many will want to show condolence offerings to survivors of the family member that has died. If you are okay with flowers, nothing more need be said. If you or your loved one had a pet charity or cause, it may be listed that in lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the charity or cause that they supported.

Document Check. Learn where your family member has their important documents as well as their passwords, keys and other important pieces of information to you. This should include social security cards, driver's license or identification, insurance cards and more. If they do not want you to have their important information now, ask if their attorney can have all of that information.

Right After The Death

Verify that your loved one is deceased. You may need to call 911 so that a paramedic to help you out, but it is better to leave these things to medical professionals if you have any doubts.

Call the Funeral Home to collect your loved one. They will have a 24 hour number that will be given to you. Give them clear directions. When you are making funeral directions, give them directions at that time. Make sure that you provide any landmarks and stores/shops that they will pass along the way. If the death happens during the evening, turn on the porch light and all of the lights in the front of the house to make the house easy to identify. Make sure that there is a clear walk path between the front/back door/garage and where your loved one's bed is.

Call a loved one to be with you at this time. Speak to them about this now, and let them know that when you call, if they could come over at that time, it would be very helpful.

24-72 Hours After Death

Contact attorney in charge of the execution of the will.

Secure Property and Assets

If there is a life insurance plan in place, notify the life insurance company and they will let you know what to do in order to get the claim processed.

If there is any property that is not lived in by the deceased, make sure that the locks get changed so that there is a clear understanding of who has access to the property.

Contact the post office and ask what steps should be taken for the deceased with them.

Complete call list and email list. Have a prepared statement, or ask someone else to make the calls for you.

Determine time and date of funeral with funeral home.

Save copies of the obituary for yourself and others from the newspaper.

One Week After Death

Write thank you notes to everyone who expressed condolence to you or your family either by card, email or written letter.

Begin to cancel subscriptions that your family member received.

Contact their email service provider and let them know that your family member is deceased. You may want to keep the email addresses from their address book in case you need to contact their friends.

Begin to move title from property. Either remove their name in the case of jointly owned property, or transfer to survivors.

Months After Death

Installation Ceremony. Determine if there will be an installation ceremony for the headstone, or simply a notice and a photo distributed to family and friends.

Virtual Cemetery. Consider listing your family member's information on FindAGrave.Com for future generations and genealogists to be able to know where the deceased is interred. A free service, it is valuable to many people who are searching for those who have preceded them in death.

Banking and paperwork. Contact an accountant to complete the taxes of the deceased. They will have to complete all taxes, including the last year that they were alive.