Thank you, everyone who posted supportive messages - you have no idea how much it helps to know people care about you (even if they've never met you). I really need to make some friends and build a real suport system around me, but it's much easier said than done, especially with crippling social anxiety. What would I do without this lounge? i feel really bad for dumping here, but I just don't have many people in my life right now. I know two people in this city -my roommate (not very well), and my social worker. I've met the ACLU members once. I go whole days, sometimes more, without speaking to a single person sometimes! So I'm going to try and work on making friends when i'm feeling up to it.

I called the campus crisis line the other night and the on-call clinician just happened to be my social worker, so that worked out well. She strongly suggested that I think about dropping this semester and checking into a treatment center, but I told her I want to try some aggressive outpatient treatment. School is one thing I have to live for - i don't want to postpone my life. I want to get better so i can live it. Besides where will i go if i quit school until January - back to my parents? to working retail while waiting for next semester? that won't get me anywhere. She didn't hospitalize me because I have been having the feeling like i don't want to live anymore, but i have no intent to die or anything like that - I want to get better! I see a psychiatrist in a week so maybe we can tweak my medicines a little bit and that will help. *crosses fingers*

These depressive episodes are really scary to me, because I've had two previous suicide attempts (over five years ago) and have a genetic predisposition to mental illness. My social worker said I would most likely have to deal with it my entire life. I'm really fighting it very hard - I leave the house every day to eat and go to school, no matter how scared i am, and I'm not letting myself sleep all day (anymore). But for the last couple weeks I would say I've been a non-functioning person - like I'm totally faking life, trying to appear like I'm actually engaged. This weekend I am visiting my parents and I can barely wait - I'm so homesick! And I am staying very busy - I have therapy, 5 classes, academic coaching, dr. appts., ACLU meetings, possibly forming a pro-choice campus group, and trying to apply for volunteer work or a psychology internship. I'm trying to pace myself so i don't get too run down, so I might put off the volunteering/internship for a month or so. So i will keep posting and see how it goes. I am feeling a little better today - i haven't cried once today or had any suicidal thoughts since last night.

Again, thank you all so much for your thoughtful messages and advice. (((Hugs))) Tell me, how are you all doing this week?

pollystyrene

Sep 23 2008, 11:30 PM

((olivarria)) I'm glad to hear you've taken some steps to getting better! It sounds like therapy, in whatever form, as much as possible would be good for you; obviously, taking classes is helping you get through this- could you take a lighter class load so you're still there, but with less pressure? Can you audit your classes?

Do whatever YOU need to do to help YOU get better. You said you're going to a university therapist or social worker? Building a support structure is really crucial and maybe they'd have some ideas of other groups you can get involved in.

I hope you find a way to balance all of that! If it makes you happy and keeps you in touch, it's a good thing, though!

mornington

Sep 24 2008, 05:08 AM

((((olivarria)))) I'm so glad to hear you sounding better. I know how you feel about the classes, they're definitely what helps me - if nothing else, they force me to leave the house and be awake. On the classes - and your social worker could advise you, especially if she's connected to the university - I'd ask that the class convener/marker/main lecturer is made aware that you are having health issues; you don't have to go into the issues other than say "if you have any questions please speak to Ms Social Worker" and it will make it easier should you need a deadline extension or miss a class. I hatehatehate having to do it, but it does make it easier if you have to ask for an extension because you've already made them aware. Does that make sense? I think I'm rambling...

I have finally, finally got an appointment with a psychiatrist to have my meds looked at - I'm back in therapy and having to force myself not to run screaming (opening old wounds = not fun) and I'm hoping that as both the psychiatrist and the therapist are attached to my university it will make things easier; getting in to see a therapist (let alone a psychiatrist) on the nhs takes years so this is real progress. At the moment I'm just trying to settle back into classes and rowing and teaching without getting overloaded or too worried.

lananans

Sep 24 2008, 08:54 AM

(((Olivarria))) it sounds like you are taking the right steps, keep us updated.

((mornington)) once you get settled maybe things will be a bit better... I find that I get pretty bad when a big change is taking place. Also, all the rowing exercise will help, I used to row, and I still can't find something that is quite the same!

I've been kind of lethargic and lying around the house for the last couple of days because of the whole quitting my job after being belittled about my appearance.. but I was saying to my boyfriend last night, it's more of a normal sad than a depressive sad. In the past this probably would have set me off, but I think I'm handling it okay for now, which is good.

(hugs) to everyone who needs them.

starpiste

Sep 24 2008, 05:30 PM

When I was in school and relapsed, I got a deferral from my faculty advising office for all my paper deadlines. I needed a doctors note saying I was having on-going issues, but basically a letter was sent to all my instructors saying I was having issues and that I would be coming to see them to arrange deadline extension. That made it much easier to go to them, know I didn't have to really explain anything.

Tonight I am going to take the last of my furniture out of storage. Tt's the last major remnant of a horrible and abusive break-up and the bed-bug infestation that caused a major downturn in my life last year. I'm happy to get the last of the stuff dealt with from a financial perceptive, but I am totally freaked out about the bugs to the point that that idea of touching the furniture is causing quite a bit of anxiety. It marks the first and only time I've ever felt suicidal and that hospitalization might be my only option. The idea of repeating that is very scary.

olivarria

Sep 24 2008, 09:46 PM

Starpiste would you mind throwing out some names of good self-help books for depression? There are so many out there, I'm not sure where to start!

Here are some books that have gotten favorable comments Olivarria. I think someone mentioned another book in this thread too, but I couldn't find it.

I hope this helps you.

(((morn))) It sounds like you have a plan in place.

(((starpiste))) So sorry to hear about the anxiety. Can anyone be there with you for support when you get your furniture out of storage. Especially with your concern about bugs.

(((lan))) i'm glad you are feeling ok. that's sucks about your old job. how horrible. thankfully, you are not there anymore.

as for me, i am feeling better. i only get the blues occasionally. i think working out is helping me to slowly get out of my depression.

starpiste

Sep 26 2008, 12:12 PM

"Mindful way through depression" is what I'm reading now. I'm not far in enough to give my opinions, but my last therapist recommended it. The first 20 pages are depressing because all that's discussed is how easy and common relapse is, but once I got past that part it was better. It also comes with a CD in the back with mindfulness exercises.

When my anxiety started I worked through "the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" (by Edmund Bourne). I found a lot of it really helpful and there are similar books on depression if the workbook approach appeals to you.

I also really like "Fearless Living" by Rhonda Britten. It's a little flightly and targeted to 30-something suburbanites, but there's something about the way she writes that appeals to me. Similar in message is "Feel the Fear and do it anyway" by Susan Jeffries, it's more grounded.

My mom came to move the furniture with me and it was better than I though. The one piece of furniture that had me really nervous was taken right to the dump and I didn't have to touch it. That helped.

Edited to add stuff about books: I recommend the library. They usually have a big and if you hate the book you just take it back half read. If I LOVE a book, I'll then go buy it. Or, if you want to buy spend an hour or so at the book store so you can gather a pile of books, sit down and go through them. Read the first chapter, go through the contents. It takes time but you're more likely to find end up with something that works for you.

olivarria

Sep 26 2008, 02:29 PM

Thank you both for the great recommendations; I'll give them a try.

persimmon_grrrl

Sep 26 2008, 02:29 PM

happy friday everyone,

i think i made a big mistake. i am feeling really stuck and unmotivated in my life right now, and today gave a week's notice at my job. prior, earlier in september, i'd given a month's notice.

now, i feel like i really need to go inside and focus on what's going on with myself.

is this wrong? rash? absolutely bonkers?

Muffy

Sep 26 2008, 04:02 PM

persimmon_grrrl, If you feel that you can't work at your job and focus on yourself than you did the right thing. No one deserved to be depressed and miserable.

stargazer, I think I may check out some of those books as well.

I started a new second job, I am exhausted, my sleep problems haven't been solved and my friends are are busy with their lives so even though I had the night off last night I ended up just being alone. Its Friday night, I have no plans and I'm going to try not to get upset if everyone is too busy to hang out with me.

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

funk0039

Sep 26 2008, 06:32 PM

QUOTE(persimmon_grrrl @ Sep 26 2008, 02:29 PM)

happy friday everyone,

i think i made a big mistake. i am feeling really stuck and unmotivated in my life right now, and today gave a week's notice at my job. prior, earlier in september, i'd given a month's notice.

now, i feel like i really need to go inside and focus on what's going on with myself.

is this wrong? rash? absolutely bonkers?

Do you have a way to support yourself for a while, like living with your parents or depending on a spouse? It's not a bad idea, it's just that you may not be able to keep working on yourself exclusively. How long have you been depressed? Do you have anybody that you trust their judgment? Part of being depressed means that your ability to think clearly is hampered. That was the hardest thing for me to admit to myself, that I was making poor decisions which were making things worse. In the end, you're going to have to find someone you trust, like your doctor or sister or whatever, and ask their opinion.

funk0039

Sep 26 2008, 06:36 PM

QUOTE(starpiste @ Sep 26 2008, 12:12 PM)

"Mindful way through depression" is what I'm reading now. I'm not far in enough to give my opinions, but my last therapist recommended it. The first 20 pages are depressing because all that's discussed is how easy and common relapse is, but once I got past that part it was better. It also comes with a CD in the back with mindfulness exercises.

I've been through that therapy, it's called Dialectic Behavior Therapy, or DBT for short. It does work, but I went through group therapy as well as a private therapist. Do you have access to a DBT group? It's really great for getting you to change how you're thinking on a fundamental level, but it takes a lot of will so you really have to want it. I don't know what else you'd like to know about it, but you can ask your therapist or somebody on this thread.

funk0039

Sep 26 2008, 06:40 PM

QUOTE(Muffy @ Sep 26 2008, 04:02 PM)

Its Friday night, I have no plans and I'm going to try not to get upset if everyone is too busy to hang out with me.

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

When the pain inside gets too bad, even in the middle of the night, I go for a long walk where there is a lot of people I can be near, or maybe just enjoying walking in the park. Is there something you could do to distract yourself, like a yo yo or something?

stargazer

Sep 27 2008, 03:27 PM

pesimmon, are you asking if leaving your job is irrational? it sounds like something you've been considering for a long time. it also sounds like you are focused on taking care of yourself which can be scary and a risk in itself. what you did does not seem rash at all. i made a similar decision for myself about 2 years ago. i'm glad i did it. i hope you can feel good about your decision too eventually.

starpiste, wow. it looks like you've done alot of work on your own to deal with your depression. good for you.

olivarria, how are you doing?

muffy, oh maude. i know what you mean about being alone. as much as i convinced myself that i am comfortable with being alone...i wasn't comfortable with it at all. i'm spending my time right now trying to be ok with enjoying my time alone. i hope you did something you could enjoy friday night.

funk, can you limit your response to 1 post? thanks. also, using a yo yo to distract yourself? dude, i know you are not serious. and it would be great if you could share about yourself in this thread instead of just being an advice giver.

funk0039

Sep 27 2008, 05:58 PM

funk, can you limit your response to 1 post? thanks. also, using a yo yo to distract yourself? dude, i know you are not serious. and it would be great if you could share about yourself in this thread instead of just being an advice giver.[/quote]

I have used a yo yo, and it works wonders for my state of mind. I'm quite serious. You have to concentrate just enough to keep it going, and the gentle repetitive motion clears my mind.

As for "just being an advice giver" when I see someone who's hurting I do all I can to help, even though that person might be a stranger or I might not be able to help very much but I do what little I can. That's a big part of who and what I am. I've found that instead of doing something destructive when I feel like crap, I do something positive and it helps both me and the individuals I try to help sometimes feel better. Finally, because of my experiences elsewhere, I've been limiting myself to this thread, and also limiting myself to responding rarely if at all. This coincidentally limits the amount of material I can be attacked over by some on this forum.

As for limiting myself to just one post, I received those posts at different times, and thus responded at different times. I didn't know they were going to show up one after another at the time I posted. It wasn't intentional, sorry about that.

In the future, if anyone has criticism for me, please just pm. I don't like subjecting anyone to arguments that won't help on this thread. Depression is serious business, IMHO.

auralpoison

Sep 27 2008, 06:10 PM

Persimmon, I can tell you that I hung onto my last job for way too long. Security is great & all, but I hated the job with a passion by the end. My BODY turned on me because I was so unhappy. This sounds so dumb, but it's true. About a *year* before I quit, I developed a whopping case of sciatica. Vicious, mean sciatica. It actually started *at* work. It made it difficult for me to walk to work & to sit in my cube. Once I quit, a week later I was fine. LITERALLY. It was gone. That was a case of my body kicking my mind in the ass. I'm uber glad that I finally wised up & listened.

And Funk, your posts were mere *minutes* apart. And you didn't "receive" them, you viewed them. I don't think condensing them into one cohesive post would be that hard. I do it all the time.

candycane_girl

Sep 28 2008, 03:13 PM

olivarria, I know it's a bit late but I just wanted to let you know that I'm glad you're alright. I know how strong the urge to cut can be and it's something that's just so hard to deal with. I have also had thoughts of suicide at times (and one attempt a loooong time ago) even though I knew that I wouldn't actually go through with it. I was told that when I cut my wrists years ago that I didn't actually want to die but that it was a cry for help and I think that's true in a lot of cases. Also for me it was the feeling that I didnt want to die but that I needed a break from everything.

Right now, I'm doing pretty well. I finally saw my doctor and she agreed with me that I can go off my meds but of course I'm weaning myself off of them. It makes me so happy to know that eventually I won't have to take a pill every morning just to feel normal. But I'm going to take it really slow and make sure that my doc is always aware of how I'm doing.

I'm sending out positive vibes to all depressed busties. I hope you're all doing okay.

olivarria

Sep 28 2008, 09:48 PM

Hi everyone - i only have time for a quick post because I am about to start a study/test-taking marathon for the next three days. Then I can post more in depth details about how I'm doing and try to give some support to you all. I visited my parents this weekend and it went okay. The first night I was crying a lot, but the next day i felt better. I have the flu and I'm losing my voice and sneezing, but I don't so depressed now - I'm looking forward to the future and my goals, which feels great. I feel like I'm waking up from a stupor and now I'm like, "Oh shit, I have get it together. There are things to do!" But i feel full of possibilities right now, instead of stagnant and empty like last week. Life is full of color now - cool, right?

I was disappointed by my visit with my dad because he did not seem to care the least bit what I was going through - he didn't even mention it to me, even though my mom told him I went to the ER for suicidal thoughts, so he knows. My whole life I've felt kind of unwanted by my dad (I'm adopted by him, my mom is biological), and I've never felt like he likes me or wants to spend time with me, so I shouldn't be surprised. I don't expect him to coddle me, but a "Are you doing better?" would have been nice. Sheesh. He just sits in front of the TV, and says stuff like, "Don't use the same dishtowel or we'll get sick too!" All he says are criticisms and requests and mumbling "Hi" and "Fine."

Also, I've decided to stay at my current school, but in January I hope to move to a studio apartment in the city rather then living in a dorm community with 18-19 year olds. (I'm almost 25!) I need grown-ups. I hope this will help. I will have to post more later. I wish good thoughts for everyone.

I will respond to your post later Candycane I'm sorry - I'm majorly behind in schoolwork!

(((Everyone)))

funk0039

Sep 28 2008, 10:53 PM

QUOTE(olivarria @ Sep 28 2008, 09:48 PM)

I was disappointed by my visit with my dad because he did not seem to care the least bit what I was going through - he didn't even mention it to me, even though my mom told him I went to the ER for suicidal thoughts, so he knows. My whole life I've felt kind of unwanted by my dad (I'm adopted by him, my om is biological), and I've never felt like he likes me or wants to spend time with me, so I shouldn't be surprised. I don't expect him to coddle me, but a "Are you doing better?" would have been nice. Sheesh. He just sits in front of the TV, and says stuff like, "Don't use the same dishtowel or we'll get sick too!" All he says are criticisms and requests and mumbling "Hi" and "Fine."

Is it possible he doesn't know what to say to you? I don't know your dad, but my stepdad was very quiet with me too. Maybe, if you could talk with him alone, you could tell him that you feel unwanted by him. If he is like you think he is, he won't respond, but if he does love you he might be startled into telling you the truth. My stepfather was always afraid of countering my mother, because I think he was always struggling to help her be happy, as he knew how much she worked to support the family(he has problems with his back so it's hard for him to do a lot of things).

It's just an idea.

dolor

Sep 29 2008, 07:06 AM

Olivarria,

It's very possible that your Dad did not talk to you about your crisis because he knows (in some part of his mind) that he is partly responsible for your suicidal thoughts. Because he did not support ("want") you-- in the first place. So his original incompetence as a parent is now aggravated by his guilt. (Guilt that he may not recognize.) This will make it that much more difficult for him to be open with you.

Hang in there! But take care of yourself-- in the first place. Don't be too surprised if your father turns out to be essentially not there for you. Look for support.. where you find it.

starpiste

Sep 29 2008, 12:30 PM

QUOTE(funk0039 @ Sep 26 2008, 11:36 PM)

I've been through that therapy, it's called Dialectic Behavior Therapy, or DBT for short. It does work, but I went through group therapy as well as a private therapist. Do you have access to a DBT group? It's really great for getting you to change how you're thinking on a fundamental level, but it takes a lot of will so you really have to want it. I don't know what else you'd like to know about it, but you can ask your therapist or somebody on this thread.

I don't think I was asking any questions about this book or approach at all. My therapist has given me lots of information to groups if I decide it's something I want to do. We have a great mood disorder center in my city so I'm pretty well linked to that sort of thing.

persimmon, I just recently quit my "stable" second job, and it was definitely scary to do, and I'm still worried about paying my bills next month, but I feel really relieved that I finally did it. It's allowing me to put way more energy into things I want to do, and build myself in an industry I actually want to be involved in. good luck. Rhonda Britten says something like "fear is what your brain does to keep you from moving forward".

Muffy

Sep 29 2008, 12:49 PM

stargazer, I probably will never totally be completely okay with being alone. I do have those days when I have things I want to accomplish and know I need to do it minus company. When I'm busy I don't always notice. Its when I don't have anything to do.. or like Friday when I was just missing my friends. They always seem so busy with their lives that I feel left out. I called my best friends after posting and they actually were home! I hung out with them until about 1am, and felt 100%. On Saturday, I went to a family wedding which wasn't as horrific as I thought it would be, though I wish I would've had someone to ask to be my date. All and all, my weekend was the best I've had in months!

funk, Its hard to shut everything off. I practice yoga and mediation just about every day. Usually writing helps too. I'm an artist but I can't function as one when I'm feeling really down, I just sit there in front of my paintings and cry.

olivarria, my biological Dad is like that on most occasions. I don't think my Dad is very good with feelings and expression of them. He is more about fixing cars and stuff that he can fix. When I told my parents that I had thyroid cancer a few years back it was as if I had just reported the weather. My Dad never even looked up from the paper! Is it possible he just has a hard time expressing his feelings? It can come off as not caring.

funk0039

Sep 29 2008, 01:13 PM

QUOTE(Muffy @ Sep 29 2008, 12:49 PM)

stargazer, I probably will never totally be completely okay with being alone.

funk, Its hard to shut everything off. I practice yoga and mediation just about every day. Usually writing helps too. I'm an artist but I can't function as one when I'm feeling really down, I just sit there in front of my paintings and cry.

olivarria, my biological Dad is like that on most occasions. I don't think my Dad is very good with feelings and expression of them. He is more about fixing cars and stuff that he can fix. When I told my parents that I had thyroid cancer a few years back it was as if I had just reported the weather. My Dad never even looked up from the paper! Is it possible he just has a hard time expressing his feelings? It can come off as not caring.

I know what you mean about not being ok with being alone. After a whole weekend of being alone I get depressed easily. It's even worse on the holidays.

When you have the urge to cry, don't fight it, just let it happen. Depression can't be repressed, but yeah you're right meditation helps to keep your emotions from getting too powerful. Do you get cable? The Soup and Daily Show really help me laugh, even a little. Could you paint your feelings?

Expressing emotions is a learned skill, so maybe the only way you can get your Dad to level with you is to directly state that it doesn't matter if he sucks at talking about feelings, just that he tries to talk?

persimmon_grrrl

Sep 29 2008, 02:04 PM

thanks for all of the supportive responses, busties.

muffy: yeah, i think that the decision will help me move more and feel more involved in what's going on with my life. i just wish i could figure out a good balance between the workaday and my own goals.

starpiste: congrats on making that empowering decision! i think that eventually i'll feel good about this decision. it was a job with benefits, and i felt really trapped there, but also kept it and ran with it out of necessity. i also feel i did well at my job. and thanks for that buoying quote.

stargazer: i'm feeling it difficult to sit with my decision and trust myself. i hope to come to peace with it and just know that it's okay, soon!

auralpoison: thanks for sharing that anecdote. i hope your sciatica is healed, or at least not flaring up. lately, i've been feeling like my shoulders are up to my ears all of the time. i think maybe a big art project will help get my life more moist. i need to create creative space.

olivarria

Sep 29 2008, 04:32 PM

I talked to my Mom and she said that he didn't want to bring it up because he thought it would upset me - i guess I misinterpreted him. Muffy I think it's true that he doesn't show feelings very much - he only shows anger, but rarely happiness or sadness. I used to think he was a sociopath when i was little - seriously, because he is so stoic, except when he's angry. Dolor, my dad has supported me over the years financially and as a parent, but I always feel he is doing it out of obligation. Sometimes I think he loves me.....most of the time. But I don't think he likes me. I feel like he is exasperated by everything I do - like all he finds are criticisms. I don't think he really likes most people. I especially annoy him I think, because we are so different from eachother. We fought a lot when I was growing up. Sometimes i feel like I am walking on eggshells so i don't piss him off, but he always finds something anyway.

And Funk I think you are right on some level - but my dad just doesn't open up very often. i feel he's very hard to read.....but he doesn't seem very happy to me. He seems so angry at the whole world sometimes....nothing but complaints. He also came from a family who didn't show any emotion, so maybe that's why?

I talked to my Mom and she said that he didn't want to bring it up because he thought it would upset me - i guess I misinterpreted him. Muffy I think it's true that he doesn't show feelings very much - he only shows anger, but rarely happiness or sadness. I used to think he was a sociopath when i was little - seriously, because he is so stoic, except when he's angry. Dolor, my dad has supported me over the years financially and as a parent, but I always feel he is doing it out of obligation. Sometimes I think he loves me.....most of the time. But I don't think he likes me. I feel like he is exasperated by everything I do - like all he finds are criticisms. I don't think he really likes most people. I especially annoy him I think, because we are so different from each other. We fought a lot when I was growing up. Sometimes i feel like I am walking on eggshells so i don't piss him off, but he always finds something anyway.

And Funk I think you are right on some level - but my dad just doesn't open up very often. i feel he's very hard to read.....but he doesn't seem very happy to me. He seems so angry at the whole world sometimes....nothing but complaints. He also came from a family who didn't show any emotion, so maybe that's why?

This might be risky, but I think you should show him the letter I just block quoted. Even if it makes him mad, at the very least you'll know what he really thinks, so you'll never have to sit in limbo, not knowing one way or another like you are now. Or you can just tell him verbally the contents of this letter. One of the key components of chronic depression(the serious stuff) is that there are issues inside yourself that you never faced. Anger turns into sadness, and sadness turns into depression if you don't face what's inside that's screwing you up. Even if your father isn't the sole reason why you are feeling terrible, at least if you told him how you feel, a part of it would go away.

I know that when I tried to tell my mother how I felt, even in a nonthreatening/nonblaming sort of way, she went REALLY defensive. She asked me if my therapist "put that in there". I tried to tell her no, that this was something that I never spoke to anyone about, but she didn't listen. It was as if she was holding her ears and shouting "la la la" so she couldn't hear the possibility that she might not have been perfect in her raising of me, since that's logically where my feelings would have came from, although I never said so.

I think my example is the worst of all possible outcomes, so your father might not be that way. Even if he doesn't respond well, at least you would have gotten that out of you. Isn't it natural when you stub your toe that you yell "Ow"? Same thing here, only you are saying that you feel bad because you think that your dad doesn't love you. He might even deny that, telling you that he really cares about your well being, who knows? If he's angry all the time(much like my little brother Justin) he is probably not mad at you specifically. I bet it would help him to redirect his anger towards the source if you told him you thought he was mad at you all the time.

I dunno, I don't have all the solutions nor do I know all your life details. I'm doing my best to help, using my experiences as a guide. So, think about what I wrote, just let it wander about in the back of your head, and let me know if you try it, and what happened if you did. I guess I just don't want anyone else to lose their family like I did. Nobody needs or deserves that. You can't know how precious a family is until you don't have one anymore, especially on the holidays.

You have my hopes with you, if that helps any.

olivarria

Sep 30 2008, 02:43 AM

Funk0039, I appreciate your input and I think you had some great suggestions, but I don't think showing him my thoughts would do the least bit of good. He knows that I feel like he treats me negatively, because we went over it many, many times during my teen years. We've gone to therapy......we've had numerous long discussions. He has definitely become a better father since he adopted me at age 4, but we've had a fair share of issues. My dad knows pretty much how I feel - another long (and honest) discussion won't change things. He knows I think he's mad at me all the time.....we will always have a strained relationship, I just have to face that. I talked to three therapists about it in the last few years. My last therapist told me point-blank - "Some people just don't like their children." .....I guess i shouldn't have brought up something I've already kind of dealt with....it's a dead-end situation. But sometimes it still hurts, you know? I don't think about it most of the time, except when i visit my dad or talk to him on the phone (rarely). But I can't change him, so there's nothing i can do about the situation but accept reality.

funk0039

Sep 30 2008, 08:28 PM

QUOTE(olivarria @ Sep 30 2008, 02:43 AM)

"Some people just don't like their children." But sometimes it still hurts, you know? But I can't change him, so there's nothing i can do about the situation but accept reality.

$*%$$&^$!!!! I was hoping that it hadn't gone that far yet. One of the most painful lessons I had to learn was that no matter how hard you try, you can't make anyone do anything. I wanted my mother and even my bio father to apologize, or failing that just listen instead of ignoring me. I hoped that by just telling them how I felt, they might realize what they'd done. That didn't happen, and it hurts knowing that your parents don't give a flying ^%#^&$ for you. I even tried, just a little while ago, to simply spend time with my parents, but they don't bother to return my calls. I didn't want you to have to endure what I had, I'm sorry I was too late and reminded you of your loss. I usually spend any holiday alone and depressed, feeling rejected.

I'm surprised you can remember back to age 4. I only have vague recollections of my childhood.

There is one thing that I did that seems to be helping, but I don't know if it's an option for you. I began to develop my ability to read people, and used that plus roleplaying games to create a circle of friends. These people are so close they are almost family. Jason is even thinking of bringing me to his family's Christmas, but he has to ask them first.

It got so bad that recently, I got suckered out of 2600 by a "woman" on the internet. The loneliness got so great that I couldn't think clearly, so I made another sacrifice to have the chance to have someone to hold, to care for and maybe even be loved by. It wasn't the first time, either. I once gave up all the money I had so I could help someone I thought of as a good friend. He even promised me he'd get my car out of the tow company. I lost the car, and I haven't seen him in years now. I don't think he intended to screw me, I just think he was desperate and willing to use anybody to get out of the hole he was in.

Few humans are as giving as I can be. The problem is that I don't know when I should stop giving, and expect a return. My gifts really don't have strings, and I really am somebody you can count on in a crisis. It's too bad I haven't found a woman that would stay with me, because I think that to finish healing I have to complete the circle by having children of my own and raising them right.

I just don't want you to have to make the same bad decisions I made, I'm far too intimate with pain and nobody deserves that. I wish I could help, I really do.

starpiste

Sep 30 2008, 09:50 PM

I'm feeling like crap today. I had a slow day at work (few clients=low income) and both my bank accounts are overdrawn and I might no be able to cover my rent tomorrow, no matter buy my transit pass for the month. Then I went to file my taxes (finally, due to problems with my paperwork) and it won't let me file online. Now I have to do a paper file, which involves a lot more work, and calling the school I feel I have a sour relationship with to get documentation they never sent me. all ugh. Plus I have two places calling me because I'm behind on payments but I have no idea how or when I'll be able to pay them because I have no idea what my income will be any given week.

I just feel like a general mess. I hoped by now all this financial stuff would be settled but it feels like more of a mess than ever. And then I second guess all kinds of other decisions I've made, and then my entire ability to function. the snowball builds so quickly these days. I'm going to have more food and watch tv all night. Hopefully I feel a bit better tomorrow. If not the therapist will get to deal with me being as negative as I can be.

Muffy

Sep 30 2008, 11:38 PM

funk0039, I tried to paint today when I realized I had $41 in my bank account and still need to buy shoes for work and I just got a second job! I found myself wondering what's the point if you work two jobs and shoes from Walmart are too much money! My mom tried to remind me that I will be getting a paycheck from the new job soon, but... its all going to end up going towards bills! I'm also annoyed that my new job has a uniform, or more specifically certain clothes that I have to buy to wear there!

I'm not very productive when I feel down. For some reason its easy for me to be painting and thinking of other things but if I'm feeling depressed I just can't paint. Its like a roadblock. I can paint on my good days. The past few months I haven't been having very good days either. I was hoping a second job and school would help me feel better about myself. School is going so-so. I was supposed to get a teaching placement and so far I haven't gone and everyone else in my class has! I'm really disappointed. I used money from dwindling savings account just to take this one class so I could get a placement, get experience, and take a step in the right direction. Now I feel like it was in vain. I'm so frustrated.

My mom tried to remind me that I will be getting a paycheck from the new job soon, but... its all going to end up going towards bills! I'm also annoyed that my new job has a uniform, or more specifically certain clothes that I have to buy to wear there!

I'm not very productive when I feel down. For some reason its easy for me to be painting and thinking of other things but if I'm feeling depressed I just can't paint. Its like a roadblock. I can paint on my good days. The past few months I haven't been having very good days either. I was hoping a second job and school would help me feel better about myself. School is going so-so. I was supposed to get a teaching placement and so far I haven't gone and everyone else in my class has! I'm really disappointed. I used money from dwindling savings account just to take this one class so I could get a placement, get experience, and take a step in the right direction. Now I feel like it was in vain. I'm so frustrated.

Ok, first off I agree with your mother. Yes it sucks that you have to buy clothes for a job that you just got, and yes it sucks that you're broke and most of your first paycheck is going to bills. BUT, at least you are making headway, aren't you? You gotta try to look at things differently. Thinking like that is a part of depression. For example:

Just recently I got scammed out of $2600 from someone that I thought I'd have a chance to be with for a long time to come. I was an idiot. It's not the money, it's the fact that my heart was screwed with that hurt so much. You know what? Instead of looking at it like that, I'm actually relieved to finally know the truth, even though it's a terrible truth. Moreover, it took a LOT of effort to get that money out of me. Is it really worth all that work to scam somebody? Even worse, people like that will constantly be trying to make themselves feel better by hurting others, but it never lasts. So, in a way I do have justice. At least someday I have a chance to be happy. The person who scammed me never will. THAT'S WHAT I MEAN. See how I shifted my thinking from my loss to something else? It doesn't always work, but at least this helps.

To be more concrete, how about you bug whoever it is that's supposed to get you a teaching placement? If you still need to wait, do what you can to speed the process, including bugging these people for status updates and asking if there's anything you can do to help.

It's hard to paint right now, ok that sucks. Is there anything else you could try to help you think? If you can't think of anything proven to help, try random things until you find something that works. Grab a tennis ball and go for a walk. Try to bounce the ball as you walk. If you can do that, try to listen to the world as you go. Really immerse yourself in it, in the sensations. That sort of thing really helps you calm your emotions, I've found.

Muffy

Oct 1 2008, 07:57 PM

funk0039, I don't feel like I'm making much headway that is the problem. It seems every time I feel like things might be moving in a good direction something bad happens. Like I need to buy work shoes and have only $41 in my bank account so I'm wearing shoes that are stretched out and uncomfortable to both of my jobs. Which I suppose is okay because one of my jobs decided I don't need to work next week! So I'll only be wearing them to one job instead of two! I'm trying really really hard to think positively, but its things like that that make me feel frustrated and hopeless.

I emailed my professor today because the teacher I'm supposed to be working with never called like he said he would. We've been playing phone tag. I supposed to go in today, then he called and said that there was state testing and he'd call about me going in tomorrow. Its 9pm, looks like I'm not going in this week either. I hope my professor can set me up with something else, this is ridiculous!

Its not like my whole life is doom and gloom. I hung out with my friends last night, since I wasn't going to go to school this morning. I had a good day today, I didn't cry, and I worked on some paintings.

Its great that you were able to overcome this huge obstacle and see it in a positive light. I think a lot of people would end up being bitter and angry over such a thing.

funk0039

Oct 2 2008, 12:24 AM

QUOTE(Muffy @ Oct 1 2008, 07:57 PM)

It seems every time I feel like things might be moving in a good direction something bad happens. I'm trying really really hard to think positively, but its things like that that make me feel frustrated and hopeless.Its great that you were able to overcome this huge obstacle and see it in a positive light. I think a lot of people would end up being bitter and angry over such a thing.

This is going to sound a mite odd, but I have an idea. A while back I remember having almost exactly the same pattern happening. A part of me thought that I didn't deserve to be happy, so I'd do something foolish to sabotage myself, and therefore be miserable again. I'm NOT saying this is your problem, but it could be. None of the examples you've showed me seem like part of it, but the way you worded "It seems every time I feel like things might be moving in a good direction something bad happens." sounded really familiar. It's just an idea, so don't be offended, okay?

Since most of my life has been a series of nasty obstacles and sad occurrences, I've had to learn to adapt to survive. I'm still trying to learn as much as possible when something bad happens, so that way I don't make the same mistake twice, but it's really hard. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life being like this, feeling miserable and lonely. I still feel a little angry about what happened, but there's really nothing I can do to change it. You know what the fucked up thing is? The woman who scammed me STILL wants to talk, and just texted me stating that she just got out of the hospital. No matter what happens, she's not getting a penny out of me, and I intend to get a different bank account because a while back I gave the number to her. That's how trusting I was, I didn't want to believe that this could be a scam.

Thanks for the compliment! I'm not very good at receiving them, so I'm trying to get better at it.

<3drums

Oct 8 2008, 12:41 AM

((((busties)))) and hello all who haven't encountered me yet... i'm still a lurker mostly.but i need to vent, or get some of your advice, or something...most of all i think i need some god damn drugs.im sick of this.i didnt want to actually say im depressed again, but thinking about it, well, i don't want to cry myself to sleep again, or burst into tears over the slightest thing. this has never happened before, which maybe shows how bad it is; i've lost my apetite. i just dont want to eat. and usually i love food... i don't want to feel unmotivated, tired, basically, i don't want to feel like crap all the time.i know i didnt used to be like this. i mean its a long time since i'd say i've felt like my old self, or basically, worry-free, or happy...but these past few days it's got worse. worse, i'd say than its ever been. even if i havent gone back to self harming {...yet?}. and im so sick of this. for gods sake, its not even like my life is completely atrocious at the moment...apart from an anxiety disorder, lack of close friendships, fucked up sleep and eating habits, a dead dog who was more like a family member/best friend and everything reminding me of him, and a counsellor who i just don't really click with. oh and going back to school after term break - im liking the whole hanging out with friends part, but not the whole 'be bored SHITLESS, waste your time' bit.you know what else'd be just dandy?

some fucking self esteem. i'm sure thats a big part of the problem...i don't think i had a hell of a lot to start with, and the remainder is in tatters i'd say.

i want to be able to actually do something about this. my counsellor doesnt get that i am completely, well, up shit creek, because i'm terrible at opening up, and coz she's not a pyschologist/whatever, she can't actually prescribe me drugs... she's just the fucking school counsellor who i had to go to because i'm {only} 17, completely confused, and i can't talk to anyone else. even though i barely manage to talk to her.

*sigh*. fuck. i'm so tired of this.

</pity party>.

funk0039

Oct 8 2008, 01:59 PM

QUOTE(<3drums @ Oct 8 2008, 12:41 AM)

i want to be able to actually do something about this. my counsellor doesnt get that i am completely, well, up shit creek, because i'm terrible at opening up, and coz she's not a pyschologist/whatever, she can't actually prescribe me drugs... she's just the fucking school counsellor who i had to go to because i'm {only} 17, completely confused, and i can't talk to anyone else. even though i barely manage to talk to her.

*sigh*. fuck. i'm so tired of this.

</pity party>.

Your emotions are out of control. To be healthy, both your logic and your emotions must be balanced in all your decisions. Therefore, your judgment is flawed. Go to the wisest person you know of either gender. Explain to them the bald facts, that you can no longer think clearly. Give them examples. Ask them what to do. Most likely you do need medication, but that is only a tiny part of it. Medication is only a jump start to a car battery, it is only a temporary fix. To heal, you must get serious counseling, which is beyond what your school counselor is capable of. You need a real therapist or a "wise priest/holy person" in other words.

Your age has nothing to do with this, don't discount your pain because of your teenager status. You must fight your urge to isolate yourself. Force yourself to talk to people. Sooner or later you will find someone who will do their best to help. Even if they can do nothing, they will help you find someone who can help.

I would be happy to sit and listen to anything you have to say/write. But all I can do is give you distant advice, you need more.

kittenb

Oct 8 2008, 04:03 PM

<3drums - Is it possible that your community has mental health services that are available? Much of that comes at low- or no-cost, if money is an issue. Having a good connection with a mental health provider makes a world of difference.I would never say that your emotions are out of controll because that would be rude and you obviously have the ability to ask for help when you feel like you are in danger of loosing it. Venting here is in no way induging in a pity party. It is actually a good sign because it tells me that you still have the ability to reach for help and you still believe that you deserve it.You say that you have been here before so I think that you, more than anyone, knows how to recognize any danger signs. If you feel that things are rough enough that some medication would help, then go for it. The combination of medication plus counseling plus your own wisdom can do wonderful things. Medication can take some time to kick in but sometimes knowing that help is on the way can make some diffence on its own.Best of luck! Let me know if I can help in some way.

funk0039

Oct 8 2008, 04:22 PM

QUOTE(kittenb @ Oct 8 2008, 04:03 PM)

I would never say that your emotions are out of controll because that would be rude

I've suffered from depression quite a lot. When I wrote that, I was writing from experience. Fundamentally, depression is a result of blocked emotions, so they build up and overwhelm your rational mind. However, simply facing your emotions on your own is too much to bear, because often they are too intense and you fall apart. A therapist is supposed to help you discover what is hurting inside at a slow enough rate that it doesn't overwhelm. A therapist also helps by pointing things out when you are stuck and can't find a way to grow, thereby speeding things up. You can't go too logical because things don't make sense, and you can't go too emotional because then you flip out at people you care for at the least little thing.

By definition, being depressed means your emotions ARE out of control because you can no longer function healthily. You've got to find a balance, and then try to figure out what's screwing you up so you can eliminate the cause of your sadness by dealing with it somehow.

kittenb, I find your remark to be a mite offensive. Do you honestly think I'm being rude? I don't. I don't know if that's what you meant, but that's how I interpreted it. Passive aggressive comments really aren't helping either I or the people who post here. You've got to find a healthier means of expressing your anger, I think. Please, don't do that again. It would be nice if you were more assertive in manner, but not aggressive either. Aggression or passiveness won't help you get the response you want out of me, or anyone else for that matter in most situations. They have their place, but not in this instance.

I've read that some of you on the trolls thread think that I'm arrogant, self-righteous or even just panicky. I am none of those things, because I really don't feel that way. I just don't want anyone to make the same mistakes I have if I can at all help it. Nobody deserves to make themselves feel like crap. That's why I responded the way I did. Since you can't hear my tone of voice, you have no idea what I'm feeling right now, so please don't make assumptions. I'm pretty sure I haven't made any. When I'm feeling messed up, I know that I don't think clearly, so having someone remind me of the truth helps.

Thanks for listening calmly, I really appreciate it.

geekchickknits

Oct 8 2008, 05:41 PM

QUOTE(olivarria @ Sep 24 2008, 10:46 PM)

Starpiste would you mind throwing out some names of good self-help books for depression? There are so many out there, I'm not sure where to start!

A bit of delay here (I don't come into the thread often) but a book that really helped me with my depression was Mind Over Mood - a workbook on Cognative Behavioural Therapy.

auralpoison

Oct 8 2008, 07:25 PM

Oh! Oh! Oh! *raises hand* I did CBT for my OCD. It helped me a lot. I have very few weird, trippy negative behaviours anymore, where I used to have tonnes. I still can't eat Skittles like a normal person, but at least I understand why & try to curb it.

<3drums

Oct 9 2008, 03:28 AM

thanks everyone... thankfully today has been a little better depression-wise (but unfortunately, worse anxiety-wise).i hope i didnt offend by the '</pityparty>' i just realised how that might read negatively for you, you might think i feel like your posts on here are pity parties...i dont, and i didnt mean it that way...i don't want to crap on here about why i said it, just, apologise if anyone was offended.i guess what you were saying funk0039 about talking to a wise person etc is part of the problem; im not close with my parents, and i don't trust them enough to just say screw the non-close-ness and talk (this is all part of the problem i guess), and i havent got a "wise priest/holy person' to talk about it... as an athiest i kinda find it a bit, not offensive, but sorta , 'eerhm' that it's assumed someone does have a person like that in their life, but no hard feelings or anything, i know what you're saying.

as far as finding other mental health services, $$ is a part of it, but its more trying to fit in the time to a) find someone else, b)get there in between school and work and more school, and c) work out how i'd tell my parents. Another thing is that my mother works at the closest local health service which includes mental health help, so she'd know and while maybe that shouldn't be an issue, at the moment it is for me.But i think my counsellor is going to refer me to someone, so hopefully that'll help. The CBT we've been trying hasn't been helping much because i don't actually know what thoughts are making me anxious, it's just that scary-bad-sick-feeling, and im not sure i have the confidence to believe the thoughts anyway. but i'm so glad to hear it worked well for you ap! i got really happy a few weeks ago because the CBT got me through something i might have got anxious about, but then it sorta stopped working...might've had something to do with not seeing the counsellor for 2 weeks.

funk0039

Oct 9 2008, 04:42 AM

[3drums]i hope i didnt offend by the '</pityparty>

I dunno about anyone else, but I wasn't offended in the least. The tone of your post wasn't hostile, so I didn't interpret that bit as such.

When I wrote "Wise priest/holy person" I was referring to the status given to certain people since ancient times. It has nothing to do with religion. To recognize them, all you need to do is watch for the following: 1 Their eyes will stand out, they'll seem intense, and also oddly kind if you manage to clear your mind enough of your own fears.2 When you are near them, and especially when they speak, you'll feel oddly calmer, more at peace. 3 If you ask other people's opinions, they'll usually agree that the person you name is pretty cool, and very smart.4 Oddly, small children and nearly all animals will almost instantly go ga-ga over them. This has its limits, because any wild animal will only get so relaxed with time.It doesn't matter if you believe in God or not, these people will help, because it's their nature. Most won't even mention any sort of religious faith, and if they do they won't insist at any rate that you convert.

Where time is concerned, you're going to have to figure out what your priorities are. I bet if you asked your counselor, he/she would probably help you find more time, even perhaps working something out with the school itself. If things are as grave as you wrote before, then I can almost guarantee they'd do something to help if you told them what's changing in your life(getting worse etc).

"work out how i'd tell my parents. Another thing is that my mother works at the closest local health service which includes mental health help, so she'd know and while maybe that shouldn't be an issue, at the moment it is for me."My mom wasn't exactly happy with finding out that I hurt a lot about my childhood, that I remember pain. She even asked "Did your counselor put this in your head?!" I broke up crying after that. I dunno what to say. You've got to do something, anything would be better than nothing, but I really have no clue what to say to your mother. I screwed up with mine, even though I told her that I never even mentioned her to my therapist at all(it was the truth).

"The CBT we've been trying hasn't been helping much because i don't actually know what thoughts are making me anxious, it's just that scary-bad-sick-feeling, and im not sure i have the confidence to believe the thoughts anyway."It's really hard to know what's real and what's not sometimes. Having a part of your mind that's able to watch the rest of you think isn't an easy thing to come by. The CBT is supposed to help you find that, but no matter what anyone tells you, it's a stone cold bitch to find. I really do wish you luck on this one.

"but i'm so glad to hear it worked well for you ap!"I'm not totally sure that she was serious, she seemed more sarcastic, and if so it was probably directed at me for promoting CBT style advice. She doesn't like me much, that is common knowledge. That could be my own negativity talking, I dunno. I hope it is.

" i got really happy a few weeks ago because the CBT got me through something i might have got anxious about, but then it sorta stopped working...might've had something to do with not seeing the counsellor for 2 weeks."[/quote]I got into a DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) group some time ago, and you practice it almost every day as a result. It usually takes months to get it, and some people take years, but almost all figure it out eventually. Point is, it takes a lot of reinforcement/practice to learn totally new thought patterns. Ever wonder why its so hard for people to change their habits? Same thing.

I'm not gonna sweeten this up. This is gonna take a lot of effort, maybe even years worth of daily attempts and practice to change what's happening inside you. There really is no easy answers, no matter how much you look. There'll be both good and bad days, but you've got to keep trying or you won't ever feel better. Medication helps a little, but not forever and only so much.

I remember talking to a veteran once. He was in the same hospital I was, but he was in for something alcohol related. He was talking about his recurring problems (I think he was a Vietnam vet, but I can't remember properly since my memory sucks about painful times in my life). I had a funny feeling in the back of my head, and I looked at him and said something about maybe the reason why he drank so much is that he was really depressed because his life wasn't a happy one. I said that if he was really drunk, he's not thinking about how miserable his life is, he's thinking about putting one foot in front of the other and sitting up straight on the stool. I said that when you block things up, they just build steadily until it eats people from the inside out. He's just buying time with the booze, so when he's sober it comes back fiercer than ever. So he drinks, and it just gets worse. He stopped, and really looked at me. I dunno why. I don't think he was mad, just startled. I'm guessing I got him thinking, but I don't recall what he said after that.

I don't know how much of that helps you, since you aren't into drugs, but then again hurting yourself somehow might be the same sort of thing, I dunno. I just want to help, somehow.

kittenb

Oct 9 2008, 09:42 AM

<3drums, I was in no way offended about your "pity party" comment. I was concerned that you seem to be minimizing what you are going through. Your pain is valid simply because you as a person are valid. You deserve the help that you are looking for.

Funk, even thought I am going to regret this, I'm going to Take It Outside.

auralpoison

Oct 9 2008, 09:59 AM

Jesus H God, don't even bother with challenging Funk. My antique plaster Nipper listens better than he does. He just gets his panties in a twist & gets all victom-y. Masturbate. It's time well spent instead of time wasted.

<3drums, CBT takes time. I had one on one CBT & also group CBT for a year & a half. I found it really beneficial. It helped me recognize the roots behind my negative behaviour. I no longer spend nights scrubbing my grout because I am upset at something. I still count, I still categorize. I still arrange & quantify. BUT I've learned that professionally, my neurosis is good for bizness. My accute precision can be an asset. I do my own shit, but I edit other's works. A lot of LD people that can't help their mistakes because their brains are wired differently, too. I'm MUCH happier now than I was then because in a small way I can *control* it. It no longer controls my life. I am not OCD. OCD is just a tiny part of me.

thirtiesgirl

Oct 9 2008, 10:26 AM

Seconded. Like my mother, funk's 'helpful words' mask a self-serving narcissist who controls his own emotions through passive aggression. ...Oh, oops. There go my emotions, getting out of control again.

auralpoison

Oct 9 2008, 10:48 AM

I say it again: Word is motherfucking bond. Props, Thirties.

I know somebody has found comfort in Funk. He wouldn't be so hardcore on the PM tip if he weren't. Yes, he contributes. He has a lot of good stuff to say. But it's all about him, really. In the end he's a passive-aggressive smartcunt.

geekchickknits

Oct 9 2008, 10:54 AM

QUOTE(<3drums @ Oct 9 2008, 04:28 AM)

The CBT we've been trying hasn't been helping much because i don't actually know what thoughts are making me anxious, it's just that scary-bad-sick-feeling, and im not sure i have the confidence to believe the thoughts anyway. but i'm so glad to hear it worked well for you ap! i got really happy a few weeks ago because the CBT got me through something i might have got anxious about, but then it sorta stopped working...might've had something to do with not seeing the counsellor for 2 weeks.

<3drums, that's why I found the book so effective! It has all the pages you need, and gives clear steps to help identify which thoughts are tied to what. Thought journals are KEY.

I also did a 14-week group for CBT, which was excellent, and run by CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health) which is a public clinic. I'm in Canada, so psychiatrists and these kinds of programs are covered by my provincial healthcare but maybe there is something similar close to you.

I cannot say enough about how much CBT has helped me. Truly, it was the only thing that penetrated an 8 year depression that in the last two years went from "functioning depressive" to "non-functioning depressive." It focuses on moving forward, and leaving the past in the past where it should be. Ultimately, it doesn't matter WHY you are depressed. Even if you do want to address the root causes, a depressed thinking structure is not the place to do it from. Get out, then deal with it (if you think it will be beneficial moving forward.)

GeekChickKnits, thanks for the Mind Over Moods recommendation. I've really been interested in trying cognitive behavioral therapy lately......I've done it in the past, in therapy, but I think I need more practice.

I've found an amazing book that is made just for me - I thought maybe some of you might be interested: it's called The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron, and it's not about depression per se, but many sensitive people have a tendency toward depression, so I thought someone may find it useful here. The highly sensitive person is described as someone who is easily over-stimulated, possibly intraverted, shy, quiet, or neurotic, easily started by loud noises and lights and colors, easily overwhelmed by information overload or too many things to do in a short period of time, falls in love passionately, intense emotions, needs lots of time alone for recovery from the day, does not like crowds or parties, moved deeply by the arts or music, etc. All of these are me exactly! The great thing about this book is it doesn't make you feel like there's something wrong with you or that you need to "be fixed." It gives you ideas for using your traits to your advantage and how to deal with the world. The author does not view sensitivity as detrimental whatsoever.

Also, I'm reading Time Management for Dummies, because my schedule is so busy I tend to get overwhelmed. I'm also a procrastinator. I started seeing an academic coach on campus to deal with time management, procrastination, motivation, & retaining information when i study. I'm making B's right now, but my goal for the semester is to make 3 A's and 2 B's, because i want to apply to the Honor Society. This is my first time at a university, and previously I only went to jr. colleges, so this is definitely an adjustment. I'm feeling really determined and motivated (but tired)! I even joined the ACLU and Planned Parenthood (I'm the new secretary!). What i really need to work on now is time management (this means spending less time in the Lounge), and learning to sleep at night instead of the day - I'm naturally nocturnal. The depression is under control for now - In therapy I'm concentrating on how to prevent relapse.

Auralpoison I'm not OCD but I understand what you're saying about the Skittles. I have to color-code everything!

Otherwise how is everyone doing lately?

stargazer

Oct 9 2008, 09:46 PM

(((olivarria))) it is great to hear you are making progress. awesome. it is good to know that you found a book that is helpful for you.

(((<3))) i'm glad you've been posting in here. you know, i had trichotillomania as a kid and talk therapy in the vein of psychodynamic therapy was helpful for me. i never had CBT therapy. all i needed was a space to talk about my relationships in my life. the behaviors just went away. can't really explain it. so, maybe CBT therapy is not for you. that's ok. you will find a therapist who is a good fit for you. let us know how you are doing.

i seem to be doing better. getting some work done with school has helped lift ALOT of emotional burden for me. i've been making sure i take care of myself by exercising and eating well. now, i just needed to work on getting a decent amount of sleep.

starpiste

Oct 9 2008, 11:03 PM

olivarria, being a secretary sounds like an awesome position for you! You get to be an important part of the group, but because you're taking notes and such, there's way less pressure to be talking all the time. glad to hear you're progressing.

I'm feeling ok. I'm facing a big decision that could actually be small, but I'm feeling really conflicted about it. One day I know exactly what MUST be done, but the next day, I'm not so sure. I'm really worried about deciding the wrong thing and not being any better off (Again). I'm also in the mood to visit on of the places my dads ashes were spread. I've never wanted to do that before and feel a little off-guard about it. But I'm not in tears, so I'm ok.

(edited after reading "take it outside": Thanks to everyone in there.)

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