When I broke The Identity Guardian of Radical Passion down by definitions of the meanings I was overwhelmed. But then I realized, as a Mother, Sister, Daughter and Wife/Partner I have taken this identity a long time ago.

I have and still do support my children to do what makes them passionate about their lives. I am their biggest cheerleader and will always hold the ladder for their dreams. I keep the memories of their wonder and excitement of discovery as they have grown into adulthood.

I have always seen the strength and courage in my Brothers. Even when I did not always agree with them I recognized their right to their passions and paths. (I am pretty sure they think I tried to sabotage some of them, maybe I did at first out of jealousy.) I still have the memories of the triumphs in their lives I was privy to.

My first marriage was … a trial for both of us. In many ways, we failed each other, but in the most important passion, our children, we are in agreement. Our children are our passion that means the most from our union.

After waiting a few years I was found by a man who loves me and wants to protect me with all of his being … and I let him. I have learned through the years that to allow another to love you completely and you to return that love completely you have to give everything. The good of you, the sad of you, the angry of you, and the hurt/damaged of you.

Through all of this, I have realized how much love and protection my parents gave me and my brothers as we made our way through our trials of life.

When I was younger I fought with my Mother every chance I could to prove my intelligence; yes that is rather oxymoronic, but I digress. One day after a rather bitter battle my Daddy came to me after he had, to my great shock, taken her side in an argument we both knew I was “right” about. His words to me gave me a new vision of how my world needed to change and rewrite my vision of my future. That is a discussion for another day.

My Daddy told me, “Grace, you are and will always be my Princess, but your Mother is and will always be my Queen.”

To the end, their relationship amazed me.

I found my Knight/King also years later. Well, he found me. I was ready to just live; I and my Knight live with gratitude and respect for each other. Day to Day we are grateful for the life we live and the people that have helped shape our lives.

a person who advocates thorough or complete political or social reform; a member of a political party or part of a party pursuing such aims.

synonyms:

revolutionary, progressive, reformer, revisionist; More

antonyms:

reactionary, moderate, conservative

2.

CHEMISTRY

a group of atoms behaving as a unit in a number of compounds.

3.

the root or base form of a word.

any of the basic set of 214 Chinese characters constituting semantically or functionally significant elements in the composition of other characters and used as a means of classifying characters in dictionaries.

4.

MATHEMATICS

a quantity forming or expressed as the root of another.

a radical sign.

Origin:

late Middle English (in the senses ‘forming the root’ and ‘inherent’): from late Latin radicalis, from Latin radix, radic- ‘root.’

On one of my Social Media Sites I belong to a group of men and women celebrating and contemplating self and universal completeness. One of today’s posts was “What’s your Solar Eclipse Identity?” I am game…… according to the chart I am ……

Guardian of Radical Passion

I felt the need to determine the meaning of that identity. A preliminary thought is that my quest is to fan the flames of passion ….. not the physical lovemaking kind, but the passion of life around me.

I am contemplating that for the next 7 – 10 days and will be back with revelations and insights I come across.

This is a picture of me leaving my son’s wedding on October 21, 2017. Why can’t I see this image in my mirror? A Change is Needed ……

I have been consistently irritated and depressed for about a year. The irritations and frustration escalated when I became unemployed 05-26-2017. The issue is not that I am unemployed, it is that once again I am feeling unworthy. No one told me I was unworthy. I have told myself that because I didn’t fit the seat ….. I have been feeling the seat was more important than I was. THE SEAT IS NOT ….. I AM …… I am worth all that I can put into my self-care and my happiness.

I have been in limbo for a while. Living day to day without much more than breathing.

I lost my job in May, my Mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s for about 6 or 7 years and in the past year, she is not recognizing her children. I try to see her every month, but I live in Texas and she is in a facility close to my Brother and his Wife in Mississippi.

I have recently had a wonderful weekend with my children and other family members when My Son married his sweet lady. There is more, but I Leave that for another post.

To summarize I need work, but I am not sure I want to stay in Accounting. I feel dread when I think of working as an Accountant. I am at a loss … Accounting is my degree, how can I feel this way?

My husband is getting ready to retire in January, so this adds a bit of stress also. We are at THAT age. Because of events out of our control we are not as comfortable as we would like to be. I still have about 10 years before I retire, we should be good by then.

Comfort and hospitality …. chores and lessons …. aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters and lots of love. Singing and being silly. Laughing and tears. I had a wonderful childhood …. if only I could have shared this with my own children. My children had their own lives and experiences, but the memories are getting lost in my card catalog of a brain.

I remember seeing pictures of before me. What handsome people lived there. The ladies were elegant and had a soft happiness shining all around them. The men were staunch and mischievous all wrapped up in muscles and suits. When I was younger, I wondered if the people always looked that way; all dressed up.

Their eyes always smiled even though they held a tight lip for the photos. Their eyes told it all. I see me there and I see them when I glance in a mirror.

I am still pulling up floors and getting rid of “stuff”. I did not have content damage that I am aware of. I am going through my “things” to send to Goodwill. I have to minimize my “thing” inventory. Bill and I are trying to alieve ourselves of unnecessary items. At this point in my life, I am only keeping special mementos and pictures.

Emotionally I have things that I have kept with me for over 40 years. Moving them with me and packing them away for “later”. Later has not happened. It is time for them to give memories to someone else.

I am almost in tears writing this. That fact indicates to me that I have transferred my personal significance to “things” and need to let go so I can allow myself to live as me and not as family “things” or my collected “things”.

I live in the Houston Area, but my thoughts and prayers are with the people in the path of IRMA.

I am tired today. More tired that I have been in a long time. I am going to have to get drastic on the weight loss. I am trying to plan my attack. I want to be safe with the plan, but I am getting to a point of needing to be drastic.

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My Mantra for today is …. I walk with Determination and Confidence…..

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I am listening to Alex, Bonnie and Ryeleigh (sp) ….. brought back so many memories….. good , bad, funny and sad. I was so stressed when my kids were younger that the moments I thought I was enjoying made me sad and I sometimes think my kiddos felt that. I sometimes feel like I am an impostor in my own skin.

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I really need to come to terms with the fact that I cannot go back …… I have to move forward. For years I thought I had accomplished the feat of looking forward and not dwelling on the past, but now I realize that I am just keeping items in the filing drawer closest to my self esteem and it weighs heavy there.

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I am angry and I am sad and I need to move on to my happy place, but it keeps moving and taking on an alias.

My mind is again getting on track and I am feeling great! Bill and I are buying a house and I am in heaven. There are a few glitches, but those are soon to be corrected. I will finally have my forever house with my Knight!

My Mantra for the Day is: “It is what it is.”

I cannot change how people act, but I can control how I react. I am calm at this point in my day and I will endeavor to remain calm. ONWARD!!!!!!