What is the funniest / stupidest thing you said while in labour?

Just posted an 'screaming at partner' anecdote on another thread and now I'm snorting away to myself about all the idiotic things I said while in labour.
These included the classic, "No, I'm not doing it, sorry. I'm going home now. Husband, pass me my handbag, it's got the car keys in it".
"Just pull him out by his ears for ***** sake!" (to poor midwife when she gave me the depressing news that I was a thrilling seven centimetres dilated after eighteen hours).
"I don't like that man. I feel sick. I'll be sick on him, that'll teach him" (whispered very audibly to husband about doctor. Who was in the room at the time.)
Come on, tell me your stories!

When asked by the anaesthetist if there was 'anything else I wanted to tell' him just before going into theatre for an emergency C/S with twins and having been left hanging around for 1 1/2 hours waiting for an ambulance and then an hour while they diddled about doing God knows what... 'Yes, actually...I have a history of short labours and if you don't get me in that ****** theatre now and give me my ****** babies I will be having them in the ****** corridor and I will kill the ****** lot of you!' Once in theatre we had to wait for all the staff to arrive (double for twins and it was 1 in the morning), when the last one arrived I said, 'Right can we bloody get on with this now, I've been waiting for ever for you lot, get a move on'.
I did apologise afterwards.

I actually genuinely did "lol" at the pedicure.
Sometimes I think about the dilema I had when packing up my hospital bags over whether my make-up bag should go in the actual labour bag or just in the hospital in the hospital ward bag.
I settled on the labour bag because it was was possible that I might start looking a bit shiny during labour and would want to stick a bit of powder on. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

it was was possible that I might start looking a bit shiny during labour

Click to expand...

ROFL!!!

I think I might have looked a bit shiny during labour!!!!!!!!

I was actually wearing a giant cerise t-shirt, until I got so "shiny" that I just had to take it off. Mr TTL says I was the same colour as the t-shirt It was really hot, and I remember the midwife deciding to turn off the fans just as the baby was about to be born, so she wouldn't get chilled. I said "If you turn the ****** fan off there isn't going to be a baby...". Not sure what else I thought I was going to do!

After far too long waiting for the pessaries to do something with my first (induced labour at 37ish weeks) they moved me to the labour ward and broke my waters to see if that would move things along. 15 minutes later - contractions! Labour! So we sat/bounced on a birthing ball/wandered arounf the delivery ward/room, reading all the boys' names out of a name book and discussing university with the midwife, About 4 hours later it was shift change time. I looked up to see my community midwife - who I had hoped would attend my planned home birth - walking into the room. "What are you doing here?" I asked. "Well, I rather thought I'd deliver your baby" she answered. And about 3 hours later, she did!
With the second I asked the midwife "how much longer, do you reckon?". This was about 2 hours after getting to the hospital, and I'd been in the birthing pool for about 1 1/2 hours. "Probably about half an hour" she said. I turned to dearly beloved and said "Oh, we can cope with THAT can't we!" He looked at me quite strangely before telling me that he rather thought that was something that only I could really judge. Then I got a complete fit of the giggles at transition, and when bub was born asked the midwife "which sort is it?" at which she looked at me somewhat sympathetically and told me that I was allowed to look - seemed obvious once she pointed it out, since I was the one holding him in the oversized bath I told dearly beloved (who really wanted a girl) that I was sorry to diappoint him - so he and the midwife started to have a chat about maybe it'd be a pink one next time. I'm still impressed that I saw the funny side of this, given that I was still umbilically attached to son no 2 at the time!

After the birth of my first son I had to have some stitches. As I had a long labour I was quite well imbibed on the drugs and then noticed the surgeon who was going to stitch was someone I had worked with. So I said 'hello Mr C' to which he replied 'oh hello I didn't recognise you', to which I replied 'no last time we met you weren't looking at my ****' how ladylike.....

I told the midwife it wasn't this difficult in Eastenders. Oh, and that Maria from Coronation Street's baby didn't have an umbilical cord. Chris Moyles was on the radio in the delivery suite and I started having a conversation with him. In theatre when I was getting my stitches, I asked who the legs that were in the stirrups belonged to... I also told the consultant just to stitch the whole lot together as I wouldn't be having sex ever again.

Some of these have been hysterical!
I'm not sure my stories count . . . but we'll see how we go.
With daughter 1, I woke my husband and told him I thought he was in labour. He nodded a bit and went back to sleep (not unheard of for my hubby to do this) - then rolled over and said, 'don't you mean you're in labour?. After half an hour my contractions were every 3 minutes so off we pottered to the hospital. Hubby took most ridiculous routes, over about a million speed bumps, and after a bit I told him if he hit another ****** bump he'd be delivering the baby himself - at which point he proceeded to drive very slowly - so he was warned again he'd be delivering the baby. When we arrived at the hospital the midwife, who opened the door to me contracting, said 'You look like you're getting on quite well' - and my response 'With the ****** route he just took I'm about ready to kill him actually' - think I missed her point.
With my second daughter the stupidest thing I said was, 'Have a nice evening at work love' - I sent my hubby to work and called him less than 15 minutes later to tell him he'd better come home - an hour later she'd arrived.
With my son - well, he was a home birth and I was so certain we'd be having a girl, so when he arrived (I was shell shocked, I'd only been in labour 22 minutes) I said to midwife - 'I think this is the wrong sort - it's got extra bits' - god, I sound like a total *** now!
Finally, daughter 3 (who is now 6 months old) - another home birth, slightly more leisurely this time at 47 minutes. During the horrendous 10 minutes pushing I remember shouting like a madwoman - 'it feels weird, really funny, don't like it, stop it!' - My husband kept saying - 'you're in labour, doesn't it always feel weird?' - I could've walloped him! As it was, daughter arrived with her hand pressed up to her face weighing a portly 10lb 6oz - midwife said, 'that'll be what was weird then'.

When asked by the midwife after 36hrs of labour if a student doctor could come into the room oh and did I mind because said doctor was a he. I replied "At this moment in time you can bring king kong in and I wouldn't mind"
The student doctor was amazing a really good support and it was his first delievry that he had attended. Which alarmed by OH slightly, as OH had chicken out of the birth and the first time he met his son another man was holding him beaming from ear to ear and telling him how it was his first!! - awkward questions begin now.

Whilst jacked up to the eyeballs on gas and air, I asked my husband to text 118 to find out when the baby was going to arrive. I also told him that I thought that the Joker was probably on this stuff to make him all odd. He asked me if I meant Heath Ledger's Joker or Jack Nicolson's, and apparently I pointed at the ceiling and replied "that one".
When I wanted Pethadine, I patted the midwife's hand and told her "you're very nice, but this isn't working between us. If you get me some Peth, you can stay."
Mortifying!
Finally, it seems that I was having an inner monologue whilst on the entonox that slipped into outer every so often, resulting in me shouting 'flamingos' at one point, and answering questions nobody had asked me.

When the midwife arrived 10 minutes before i gave birth i asked her if she could just cut ws2 out as i was tired of pushing. She replied that she had no knife, so i told her that there were plenty of sharp ones in the kitchen! Then i started laughing to show i was joking.