I wear briefs—get the fuck over it, ladies. If there is one thing in this world a man needs, it’s a good pair of shit-stained Hane’s. There is no argument: Briefs are classic. When I go to Walmart and look at a fresh pack of tight white underpants I see Coca-Cola, I see Ford, I see Normandy, I see MAN PREVAILING. You take away my briefs, you take away my freedom.

I hear of all the alternatives such as boxers, boxer briefs, underpants with a special pocket for your balls. Fuck that. I wouldn’t even wipe my ass with the alternatives.

1) Boxers: If I wanted to wear shorts, I’d wear shorts. I don’t want a bunch of loose fabric riding up my leg. I have places to go and people to meet, so I don’t have the time to pick wedgied fabric out of my asshole every ten seconds. Boxers also don’t give the genitals enough restriction. There’s nothing worse than walking around as your penis and testicles jangle around like loose change.

2) Boxer Briefs: “What an amazing hybrid!” is what a European bike trainer trying to make his dick look bigger would say. The only type of people who wear boxer briefs are jerks and men trying to appease controlling women. Boxer briefs are like turkey sausage and organic produce—totally gay, but you buy ’em because you’re pumped full of fear from the barrage of societal pressure. Forget all that shit and go with your heart.

3) Gimmicky Boxer Short, Nut Sack Pocket, Wastes of Money: For those considering buying into the new generation of underwear go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. I love buying stupid shit; I was the first in line for that Darth Vader Mountain Dew Slurpee. BUT at the end of the day I respect the classics and go back to them faithfully. Why complicate something so simple and beautiful? Briefs do so much and ask for so little in return. When you buy into gimmicky, 21st-century, “gotta have ’em” underpants, you’re kicking the underpants that that built this country square in the balls.

Women, you gotta understand—briefs are in my DNA. They’re the natural transition from diapers. You can’t knock that shit. And guys, don’t let the world change your view on briefs—cover your genitals with the tried, tested, and true. Plus with briefs, if you ever find yourself in a situation where you shit your underwear you lower the likelihood of getting it on your leg.

Boxer Briefs are gay? I ware them because when I pop a boner, my joint needs more fabric to conceal it. Briefs leave you with this weird gap between train and platform. You just wrote a post about underwear (the gayest thing a man can do) and exposed your small dick.