September 13, 2010

Considering a zombie partner? Consider this advise from Donna at Bites first.

NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED. IF YOU ARE UNDER 16 OR EASILY OFFENDED THEN GO AWAY NOW!

Zombies are the new vampires, as it were, in the YA world and, quite frankly, the trend is disturbing. It's one thing to gloss over abusive, domineering relationships as swoon-worthy but to sing the praises of necrophilia? For shame. What would you do if you caught someone you love romping around a fresh grave with an undead, or re-live, person? Getting rid of dirt stains would be the least of your problems.

At least with vampires you get the eternal beauty factor (although eternal brooding can get eternally annoying), not to mention some semblance of a personality. They're just dead on the inside, not the outside.

What follows is a concise list of points to bring up to your loved one should he or she become ensnared with a re-live person. Because, honestly, that's just gross.

Fluffy don't get unburiedSee, here on planet Earth we have a natural order of things. Birth, life, death. Reduce, reuse, recycle. This is how Mother Nature likes her planet. When us humans start screwing with that, she's going to get pissed and, quite frankly, she's going to point at you and laugh and tell you 'I told you so' when your zombie "love" cracks open your skull like a coconut and consumes the oozy, gooey insides. That's what you get for raising the dead.

Re-live =/= Re-life of the partyWhen your brain is decomposing, the synapses aren't firing properly and that's bound to have some fallbacks.

Needless to say, zombies have a one track mind. All they want to brains, brains and more brains. Hardly foundation for a redeeming conversation. At least not an interesting one.

This then leads into the prominent feral instincts at the forefront of the personality. Zombie hungry. Zombie eat brains. They care nothing for handshakes or cordiality. They don't care who they're with. They will for sure tap into the head of that sweet piece of blonde that just walked by without even thinking twice about it. Or once, for that matter. Slash and grab, people. Slash and grab.

And if being re-live isn't repelling enough, add into that equation the uncontrollable bodily functions. Feces and farts are certainly not the next Axe body spray scents. I don't think they make Depends that can carry that kind of mess. When your colon's rotting, it gives a whole new meaning to the word "shart."

So unless your goal is to clear house, perhaps it's best to leave your re-live person back at the cemetery.

Leprosy is so retroDon't you love it when you can nibble on your beau's ear and consume part of the food pyramid at the same time? Whether it's the traditional undead demon, mutation or raging virus, all zombies have one thing in common - abhorrent personal hygiene.

As mentioned above, there is some degree of rotting going on and while your re-live beau might be freshly re-liven, how long until he's nothing more than a congealing puddle of primordial ooze? What? You thought that once you started dating he or she would just STOP rotting? Oh please.

Whether it's a foot in the car, a tongue in your mouth or entrails in your living room, your re-live loved one is for sure leaving pieces of him or herself behind like Hansel and Gretel. And when your all-consuming thought is about brains, do you really think there's any room in there for bathing? Showers aren't even on the radar.

So their breath smells like they just noshed on a piece of road kill skunk left in the sun for three days. So you can see the maggots congregating in the pus holes of their skin. That re-live person has a great smile. That you can see through his cheek. Unless fiddling a spleen is a turn on for you, it might be best to back away from the walking corpse. Stomach acid is a BITCH to get out of silk. Just FYI.

Let's talk about sexRotting penis. Mouldering vagina.If these aren't the first things that come to mind when you think about a zombie boyfriend or girlfriend, they should be. Unless you're from 1954 and your last name is Walton (or possibly Duggar), then you'll want to get the hanky spanky on with your re-live significant other. That might be a little difficult if your love muffin is suffering from an epic case of crotch rot.

Let's get past the smell, the one track mind and the fact that you can rightly poke at their brains. Those low-lying dark and moist places on the body are susceptible to bacteria under the best of conditions. Remove suitable blood flow, bathing and an overall pulse and you're better off trying to fuck a tub of Gak. At least it'd smell better.

So before you go mounting that rotting meat stick or plugging that putrid punani, ask yourself this: how turned on am I by a piece of pork festering in the desert sun for a week?

It'll never be about youSo stop trying. You will not be able to change that decaying bad boy or girl. It's all brains, all the time. There's no room in that gelatinizing think tank for anything else. Quite frankly, you're better off chatting up a wall. Unless you're truly masochistic and like to suffer constantly, just walk away if one of the re-live approaches you. They're not worth the heartache.

You can be sure of one thing, though: they certainly won't remember you in the morning. And you probably won't remember them as your brains will most likely end up as a midnight snack in the interim.

So I ask you, just how appealing are those zombies now?

Next up during Week of The Living Dead...Vicki from Rhiana Reads reviews the beautifully haunting and yes, zombie filled, The Forest of Hands and Teeth.