The storms are raging on the rolling seaAnd on the highway of regret.Though winds of change are throwing wild and free,You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.Nothing that I wouldn't do.Go to the ends of the Earth for you,To make you feel my love

***

I was listening to this song for a while now. I just so love the song. This song help me realize why most of my relationships failed. My pride is just way too much bigger than my heart. I never make the first move to make that other person feel that I am in love. What I care about is my pride. I keep on watching that I shouldn't be the first one to send the text message, I shouldn't be the first one to smile, I shouldn't be the first one to say "I love you."

I hope one day it wouldn't be the same. I hope that I would meet a person one day and I would be the first one to send a text message every day, I would be the first one to smile, I would be the first one to say "I love you" and I would say "I love you" all the time.

I just can't imagine my self doing crazy things for love. Not now. Maybe in the future. Maybe I would do crazy things, to make that other person feel my love.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Last night in an effort to make my rest day productive, I watched Audrey Hepburn's Breakfast at Tiffany's. After watching the movie, I was thankful. Thankful that I wasn't born yesterday. Thankful that I was able to enjoy the movies that this generation has to offer to me. No offense to those who love Audrey Hepburn and the good old movies but I just find it weird the way how they acted in movies before. I find it OA. I just watched almost half part of it and stopped and switched to Ironman and watched it two times. I'm planning to watch it again.

I on the process of downloading a movie about Jane Austen. I haven't read a book that she wrote but I've heard she's a wonderful author and her books were classic. I bought her Pride and Prejudice and just read a few pages of it, I decided that it would be better if I just download an audio book of it. I find the book boring. I think classic is not just my type of books. But I love Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird.

I also watched Latter Days. I think it is true in some way or another, sad stories are the best. I don't know why. Even in gay movies, I prefer Love of Siam than Latter Days. I remember sad movies and in a way they found their way in my heart than movies with happy endings.

Monday, July 20, 2009

I am planning to join a seminar about financial literacy. I heard a lot about the effects of recession among my colleagues. Most of them are terribly affected with the current state of the global financial climate. I can't say that I am not affected at all, but the impact is has brought to me is less compared to them. I think this is one thing that I have to be thankful of being an orphan. I have learned on how to rely on myself and to plan for my future at a young age.

I am planning to buy new stuff for my self next month. I have several plans for this month and for the month of August. I think I am pushing my self to hard this time and I so I have decided to finish Empire Falls by Richard Russo by August instead of this month.

I have this one little evil secret. I was really excited the first time I've done this. I have neighbor who has a router and is unsecured. I know its stealing and its bad but I don't know why I love doing it. So this the past few weeks I have been downloading movies and chatting courtesy of my neighbor. He is a techie guy though, I can't access his gateway but his wireless setting part is the one that is unsecured. So I guess, he has an idea that someone can connect to his network anytime and he is not against it.

I have downloaded Love of Siam and Freedom Writers. The thing that I hated watching feel good movies is the part when I become so sad. I cried a lot while watching both movies. I wish I was one of those people who can write and can change the world just by using your words. At the same time, a part of me is longing and waiting for the right time and the right person. I am waiting for that moment where I can love someone and never be afraid of losing them.

Monday, July 13, 2009

I am not a heavy drinker but I can go farther compared to others. While others are snoring and drunk I can still finish one set of beer. I can't stand with heavy liquors, I don't have that much resistance but I love vodka.

I have promised to myself after what had happened the previous months that I have dated a man almost every night and some are not even just one, I decided that I have to control my night outs. But last week a friend of mine invited me for dinner, we ordered pizza and after that decided to go bar hopping. I didn't expected that we would went out. But on my mind, I guess sometimes I just need to have fun and enjoy life.

Bowdie doesn't want beer, he wants hard drinks but we decided to go for Gilbey's with green tea extract. The smell makes me dizzy. The taste is something that I couldn't understand. After a couple of bottles, I knew that it hit me but I can still manage myself. After a couple more bottles, I stared at my friend. He just looks cuter to me for every bottle that I consumed. I knew that its not just a simple admiration that I felt. Its beyond that. I fantasized him and me together in bed. I realized then that maybe that is the reason why we have been friends for a long time, two years. Well that is long for me already. Like its been two years and we still communicate with each other every now and then. I have friends when I was still young and I don't know where they are now, others can still be considered friends but we no longer have any communication.

I thought it was just the drink that makes me feel this way towards my friend but until now I still dream about him. My feelings hasn't changed. I still like him and its more than just us being friends.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I am planning to burn to Bible, the book that was given to me by my uncle this week. I am just waiting for the right time, that very much awaited sign to show that I really have to destroy it. I have donated to the library the books that I have already read but not the Bible. I have read this book and all I found are lies. Lies that goes deeper down to the hearts of every being I met. I don't want to donate the it to the library because I don't want another person to be reading the book and later found out that it was all lies.

I have faced a lot of my fears this week. One of the greatest fears I have is failure. I am fear to fail someone, I fear of not meeting someone's expectation. Yet this week, I failed. I feel angry to myself. I don't know how I would be able to redeem myself or if I would be able to. But one thing I have noticed is, its not as bad as I thought. Hitting the bottom and hitting it hard is not as bad as I imagined. I would say that the scary feeling of failure is far worst than knowing that you already failed.

Knowing that a part of me failed makes me realized that its not the end of the world. I began to consider other options, think of the things that I have and I can say that I can still face the world. I don't know why, but I feel my strength are renewed. I feel that I have this new strength, strength that can carry me a mile, strength that I only found when those things that I treasured most are taken from me.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

I have spent my childhood living with my relatives. From my aunts, uncles and grandparents. Something that I don't want to remember but I could not forget. There is one thing that they have in common that I have noticed, the feared God. They believe that God is a loving and forgiving persona, someone who is very Holy. I used to believe that its true. I used to believe that God is loving, forgiving and someone who is powerful than Santa Claus who grants your prayers.

When I have to move to my grandparents my uncle gave me a Bible. He said that I should read it and that all that are written on it are true. But as I grew up I feel that there is a space between me and God. As I read the Bible and looked back of what happened in my life, I'd say that the Bible is lying. I read nothing but pure lies when I compared of what is written to what happened to me.

How I wish that I didn't inherit religion from them. I wish that I was given the freedom before to choose whatever religion I would like to have. Now, I have nothing but hatred towards God because what I believed about Him when I was a child. I look at him now as such a great liar. If by burning the Bible could make me forget Him I should certainly do that. I have read it several times and none of the words written are true to me. God was never true to His words to me when I read the Bible. As I live each day and words from the Bible keep running on my head, if these were the words of the one real God I promised that when I die, He can never have my soul.