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Karin Samms, Counselor

Category: Relationship

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Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues

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I am accused of paranoid jealousy disorder. My husband and

Resolved Question:

I am accused of paranoid jealousy disorder. My husband and my best (female) friend tell me that it is perfectly normal in 2013 in California, for a single woman (my friend) to visit the husband (my husband of 30 years with whom I have two children) of her best friend (that is me) whom she knows has a crush on her. (We all get crushes, we are human.) I found out accidentally that she was there when I called home. I was out of the country at that time. Is this indeed the new social norm?

If I had done the reverse it would definitely have meant that I wanted to explore whether something more could evolve out of the attraction by being physically in his company.

Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.I'm really sorry to hear that you're experiencing this, it cannot be easy for you to know they are meeting up like this without your knowledge. You do not sound as though you have any such disorder, your concerns are valid and unless there is some evidence of them being unfaithful it would be hard to prove however, this does not make it okay for them to continue meeting up. I you are unhappy with them meeting up (especially when you know there is an attraction), then it would be a normal response to feel uncomfortable about it and insecure.It is becoming more and more socially acceptable for partners to indeed text or email others' partners etc but only if such a communication was acceptable to the friend (you). This does not seem the case here and it of course, would be hurtful and cause you to have concerns about what his (and her) intentions are. You may need to discuss this openly with her. She needs to understand that it is not something you find comfortable and that she needs to be concerned about YOUR feelings seeing as she is your friend. If she were indeed, a true friend she would stop meeting him right away and apologize for any hurt she has caused you. You indicate that you are not one to nag and confront but you do state that you do your best to try to communicate with your husband and try to keep him happy - perhaps it needs more assertiveness now at this point, as neither one seem to acknowledge your feelings. Your husband needs to be more concerned about how his crush is leaving you feeling too.You do not sound as though you have a paranoia. If you were honestly concerned about such a disorder, you could go check it out and get a proper assessment undertaken by a psychiatrist - however I believe this is their way of pacifying you and laying the blame on you, making out that there's something "wrong" with you. If I didn't appreciate something my friend was doing which involved my partner, she would need to hear it and back off as that's my marriage and she should not have any need to be a part of that relationship at all. The husband would also need to hear, in no uncertain terms that this is not acceptable as it upsets you.I truly hope this is helping you to put your mind at ease, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied. ----------------------If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated. Kindest Regards, Karin

Thank you for your rating and bonus, it's very much appreciated. I hope you manage to resolve this. Please be reassured that if you have new questions or need further assistance or support, just put "For Karin" and I shall respond as promptly as possible.

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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

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