I am America's Senior Comedian (R).

Feed Me!

These photos are of His Benevolence, Christopher King, Supreme Ruler of 3-Space. They are suitable for framing and display in public buildings, over your desk, on coins, etc.

The stage photos, the rubble series, the beer series, and the holding-eyeglasses series are courtesy of Gregg Matthews, Orlando. All others by Chris King.

Clicking the thumbnail will show a 300dpi version.

Generally, the staged photos were taken in the olden days, around 2004. I have not aged at all, so you may regard these to be an accurate representation of what my big fat pot belly does not look like.

When the Government Man decides to stab his fat, dirty fingers at things and initiate non-linearity, you may use these in your newspaper or on your TV show if you like.

I appreciate that everyone in Washington has hammered out new rules to deal with me: "Okay. He can say anything he wants as long as he doesn't directly threaten to kill anyone. ...And even if he does, we'll cut him some slack because he's not exactly a lawyer. ...Alright! That's too far! He crossed the line!... ...Alright, well just this once. No more!"

European Central Bank chief Jean-Claude Trichet’s announcement that
the Bank for International Settlements is to become the primary engine
for global governance is a shocking admission given the fact that this
ultra-secretive menagerie of international bankers was once controlled
by top Nazis who, in collusion with global central banks, funneled money
through the institution which directly financed Hitler’s war machine.

The GEM is basically a policy steering committee under the umbrella
of the Bank for International Settlements. In its current form, the BIS,
which itself is not accountable to any national government, is
comprised of banking chiefs from global central banks, most of which are
private and also have no responsibility to their nation states or their
citizens.

...

As Charles Higham’s widely acclaimed book Trading With The
Enemy, How the Allied multinationals supplied Nazi Germany throughout
World War Two points out, several parties at the Bretton Woods
Conference in July 1944 wanted to see the Bank for International
Settlements liquidated, because its role in aiding Nazi Germany loot
occupied European countries during the war. Norway called for the bank
to be shut down, a view supported by Harry Dexter White, U.S. Secretary
of the Treasury and Henry Morgenthau, but the BIS survived despite its
highly contentious Nazi influence.

Higham writes that the BIS became, “A money funnel for American and
British funds to flow into Hitler’s coffers and to help Hitler build up
his machine,” founded by Nazi finance minister Hjalmar Schacht on the
basis that the “Institution that would retain channels of communication
and collusion between the world’s financial leaders even in the event of
an international conflict. It was written into the Bank’s charter,
concurred in by the respective governments, that the BIS should be
immune from seizure, closure or censure, whether or not its owners were
at war.”

Radio talk show host and former Reagan cabinet advisor Mark Levin
has slammed President Obama’s bizarre announcement that he will be
sending SWAT teams to deal with the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, alleging
that the response is part of a plan to grease the skids for government
takeover and nationalization of the oil industry.

In a move that has shocked and dumbfounded political observers in
equal measure, Obama said yesterday the “Department of Interior has
announced that they will be sending SWAT teams to the Gulf to inspect
all platforms and rigs.”

...

Levin alleged that the response was a precursor to government
nationalization of the oil industry via the back door. “I think those
SWAT teams are there in coordination with the attorney general’s office,
the Interior Department, Homeland Security, maybe the EPA….to seize
records at these sites and to lay the foundation for more government
takeover,” he stated.

Levin added that he was stunned with the media’s nonchalant reaction
at Obama’s flagrant abuse of power.

“It just stuns me that we’re sending SWAT teams to all platforms and
rigs, not ecological experts, not various scientific experts, not
engineers – we’re sending SWAT Teams – we don’t even send SWAT teams to
the border….you don’t send SWAT teams to rigs in the middle of an
environmental problem,” he said.

Do you remember those flea markets in Orlando I told you about? There were two kinds. The first kind of flea market had rusty old bicycles and cardboard boxes full of drill bits and broken record players. Something for everyone.

The other kind of flea market had all the vendors selling BluBlockers sunglasses and Sham Wow cloths and other as-seen-on-TV stuff. Everyone selling the same junk.

In America's new economy --if these bankers have anything to do with it, and they will-- there will be five available jobs: WalMart clerk. Goon. Snitch. Jail Guard. Goon.

That's it.

Welcome to Goon Nation. (And your freedom --for those with big shiny trucks and Freedom Isn't Free! bumper stickers-- is inversely proportional to the number of goons you see running around with guns.)

Goons are just guys who once would have worked in an auto-body shop and beat each other's heads in at a bar on Friday night.

Now they're barking orders. Enjoy your new police state. (And you maintain that you're free and No. 1 because why again?) They're not here to protect you. They're here to enslave you. It was an ol' switcheroo.

Sounds like it's time for some oil company private security to escort these idiot goons back to their harmless jobs knocking out dents or changing tires.

Ah, that'll do it: More goons! We need more goons. Goons invent linear accelerators. They explore the stars. They develop new medical procedures. Goons pioneer new technologies. Goons make art. Vivaldi and Michelangelo were goons. Every society needs more goons barking orders and waving guns around.

More goons.

You can be sure your society will never make it to the pantheon of human cultures if all you're known for is your goons.

Goon nation.

Can you guess what two things you will immediately do when you jump inside your exoskeleton jurisdiction? One, you will flood the market with all sorts of brand-new legal mechanisms, just like the Patriot Act. (That is, you will increase the number of finger-tip legal switches in your Powerloader.) The Patriot Act is a magical compendium. It's good for what ails ya. There's something in there that sticks on anyone, just look hard enough.

And, two, you will hire all sorts of new goons. (That is, you will install additional hydraulic hoses and pumps on your Powerloader. Strong like bull!)

You got cuckoo law now and you got more goons than you know what to do with. And if you want to de-industrialize your slave nation, you can have your goons attack the methods of energy production and the methods of manufacture.

Just to set the record straight. It's sometimes difficult to know my true feelings on a matter because I speak in hyperbole. I speak upside-down and backwards. I speak in whatever manner is necessary to illuminate a thing from all sides. They are the tools of my trade.

So print this out. This is for the record.

I may gripe and grouse, but I play it up a bit. I am an unrepentant optimist. As much as I may kick stones and curse this world, it's where I'm supposed to be. One of the ironclad rules of the game is that you can't check out early. So I am plainly stating to you that I will never commit suicide. It is strictly against my moral code. Offing yourself means that you couldn't handle it. It's like storming off the basketball court in a huff.

I claim no association with anyone. This is a one-man show. Always has been, always will be. As I function, in part, as a social commentator, obviously I will be playing off, and riffing off, other sources. That does not mean that I claim an association with those sources. No one has anything to do with me.

Knowing as I do that one does not engage another on his terms, and since I'm just one guy with a Glock, offensive violence is foolhardy. It does nothing, especially when I have already stated that slow and steady wins the race. The race is already won. Violence enters into the picture only when one gets angry and flips the chessboard over.

I have won. Why would I get violent? Why flip over a chessboard I dominate? I cause quite enough chaos by speaking. Why trouble myself to leave the couch?

Self-defense is another matter entirely. You threaten me with violence, I will immediately neutralize you. No ifs, ands, or buts. Righteous kill. God smiles on the righteous use of all most minimally effective degrees of force, up to and including lethal force, in the defense of oneself and one's family.

That about covers it. That's from the horse's mouth. You may now ignore my detractors who would seek to fill a void left by any lack of such a statement.

Do you work in "law enforcement?" Are you an "American fighting man?" Then listen to what this guy has to say. He knows that compartmentalized system inside and out. From his outside-the-matrix viewpoint, he'll make it all crystal clear.

Turn off the TV. Throw the newspaper in the trash. They're all in on it. Are you connecting the dots yet? It's not that journalists are stupid. It's not that they're incompetent. It's that they're in on the scam. They're stenographers. They've woven an entire web of lies in which every last governmental excess has seemed perfectly reasonable.

But it's not reasonable. It's disgusting. And it's caused people like me to risk our lives in defense of our souls. No decent person would politically associate with you pigs.

Why am I right so often? Why do I bat nine hundred? Is it that I'm some kind of visionary? No, it's because I don't get my information from TV or newspapers. I never have. I don't exist inside that manufactured matrix of illusion.

Turn off the TV. Put down the newspaper. That is the one, single most effective thing you can do to become educated.

All you have to do is admit that you've been snowed. You've been played for the better part of ten years. Your country's gone. You're bankrupt. You lost any shred of decency and honor you once had. You're an embarrassment to your own children who will curse your cowardice.

And during the coming Troubles, ignore all journalists. They'll keep prattling on about crystal cities on Venus and how space beams from outer space collapsed the Twin Towers. Why they continue speaking on any matter, I've no idea.

You people have got about one chance to get it right and save your pensions and dental plans. Because if you folks decide to break that seal of violent revolution, I know about two hundred million armed-to-the-teeth Americans who are gonna clean your ever-lovin' clocks. There will be nowhere to hide and no one to protect you. If you decide to announce to the world that Uppity Government Agent Killing Day has come, I guarantee you that you will come out on the losing end of the stick.

...'cause they way more of us than there are of you...

Do not break that seal. There is no need for things to get ugly. Don't get violent. You will lose.

Civil liberties groups and even some die-hard supporters of the
Democratic Party are raising the alarm over the Democrats' proposed
immigration overhaul, which would see the creation of a national
biometric ID card.

"If the biometric national ID card provision of
the draft bill becomes law, every worker in America would have to be
fingerprinted and a new federal bureaucracy – one that could cost
hundreds of billions of dollars – would have to be created to issue
cards," the ACLU said
in a statement Thursday, following the release of Senate Democrat's
28-page proposal
(PDF) for comprehensive immigration reform.

“Creating a biometric
national ID will not only be astronomically expensive, it will usher
government into the very center of our lives. Every worker in America
will need a government permission slip in order to work. And all of this
will come with a new federal bureaucracy – one that combines the worst
elements of the DMV and the TSA,” said Christopher Calabrese, ACLU
Legislative Counsel.

At first blush, this appears to be an instance of lawmakers speaking, lawmakers who didn't get the memo that the government collapsed.

Ask any political theorist, he'll tell you: What happens in a case like this is that dead enders will pass a "law" that says employers have to check people's papers or something before he can enter into a private employment contract with them. Something. They'll keep propounding about whatever cockamamie idea they come up with next. But since the government doesn't exist anymore, obviously the employer will ignore the words of an entity that is mute. (A collapsed government's employees are always the last to know that they won't be getting a paycheck anymore. You don't ask the barber if you need a haircut.)

Then some guys who very badly need their employer to continue existing so that they can have their pensions and dental plans will show up and cause some trouble, muttering something about "following the law."

So the employer sighs and rolls his eyes at these dead enders and he picks up the phone and hits speed dial for security.

Then his private security --or the constabulary of whatever political union has arisen, likely one that doesn't fly planes into buildings and torture people and rape children in gulag hellholes and otherwise cause people to barf just by thinking about it, much less be associated with it-- his security show up.

And his security guys laugh and joke with the "government" agents and they all share a laugh and our security guys explain that these other guys don't have jurisdiction here --owing to their employer having evaporated by flying planes into the World Trade Center, among other outrages-- and they clap the "government" agents on the back and share another joke and escort them off the property under force of arms.

And if the "government" agents --that is, common criminals waving around a badge they have no claim to the protection of, owing to that political entity's having collapsed-- if those "government" agents resist, the agents of that new constabulary kneel them down and execute them.

Ask any political theorist. It's what happens when governments collapse. It's a perfectly righteous kill. It's self-defense against criminals waving around badges they might as well have found in a trash bin.

Things change. Governments come and go all the time. It's not at all noteworthy. It's a yawn-fest, really.

I know that you and your generals are so bright that the nation was conquered by bankers while you geniuses were off guarding your masters' opium fields, but you might want to read this article in its entirety:

The nation has been divided and conquered. Let's say that the Soviets were alive and well today and that they had designs on conquering America. Would they do it by rumbling tanks down the street and otherwise putting themselves out? No. Of course not. They'd get everyone in America so spun up and confused that they'd start fighting themselves.

In like fashion, the nation was conquered by psy-ops experts in the Pentagon and their criminal confreres in the "news" media and their willing conspirators in the government.

What is happening here is that the state police and the people are going to be tricked into fighting one another. And Northcom is going to get into the act. Bombs will be thrown at cops and army personnel and the finger will be pointed at the people.

That exoskeleton jurisdiction called United States has collapsed. It's a laughingstock that can't even arrest comedians for not paying income tax for fifteen years, for fear that his little friend Malcolm will explode and annihilate every last governmental structure in sight. The government is already dead, it's just that most people haven't caught on yet.

United States is gone. It doesn't exist. No person with a functioning gag reflex even recognizes it. The revolution is long underway. And slow and steady wins the race. All ya gotta do now is keep on keepin' on and freedom wins. No need for things to get violent. He who throws the first punch does so because he's lost the debate.

So the bankers who long ago purchased that jurisdiction now fear losing its utility in that slow-and-steady race. They need to act fast. They need to convert that slow-and-steady "cold" war into a hot war.

They need violence real, real bad so that they can crack down.

Your own military men are being trained to regard the American people as the enemy.

Will you and your generals continue defiling your uniforms as you permit your men to regard Americans themselves as the enemy?

You wanna pop some people? How about mowing down every last banker in New York? That's the rat's nest you're lookin' for...

I'm taking your silence to be uncertainty in how to make sense of this intractable situation I've found myself in. Before you formulate your advice, let me add some information that only recently came to light:

My girlfriend's husband, you will recall, was injured in a trampoline accident. What I did NOT know when she told me this is that she feels chiefly responsible for his paralyzation. I managed to coax the story out of her:

Over a few glasses of wine and curling up on the couch in our bare feet and other intimate stuff that people do when they're dating and all that, she said that her husband won this trampoline at the local Rotary Club penny sale. So far so good. That sort of thing happens all the time.

They have a big lawn that could easily accommodate such an apparatus. And her husband wanted to put it in the middle of this great lawn away from any obstructions that could be a safety hazard in case anyone fell off it. (He used to work as an OSHA safety inspector, so he would know those things.) Well, my girlfriend burns easily in the sun so she demanded that he place it next to an enormous shade tree on the edge of their property, and that she wished he would take her needs into account just that once, if he loved her.

So he does. But he's the only one who ever used it because my girlfriend said that it made her dizzy to use it. So he's out jumping on it and yelling at her to come join him and she refuses. And at that very moment --apparently there's supposed to be safety clips on the springs to prevent them from coming out of the holes on the frame; I guess the manufacturer had a lawsuit once about that-- the springs on one corner come loose and that messed up his whole physics trajectory and he slammed head-first into the oak tree just beside the trampoline.

By this time in her story, my girlfriend is sobbing because she says that she was the one who unpacked the trampoline, and she found a plastic bag in the box with some metal things in it that she didn't recognize. So she threw them away, thinking that they weren't important.

I'm starting to get the picture here: There was an unhealthy power relationship with her and her husband, and I'm wondering if she's some sort of Black Widow. What better way to reign supreme over her quarry than to paralyze him?

Am I getting in over my head with this woman? Should I break it off now?

And remember: In theory, they are the ones who are following me with that stand-alone Qik player on their dedicated computer routed to a 25-inch console television. Anyone else may go here to watch any live transmissions: http://ckpi.typepad.com/christopher_king/test-qik-live-video.html You don't have to worry about refreshing that page. When I start transmitting, the video will just automatically start playing.

Now: It is unreasonable to ask the performer to be completely divorced from his audience. It is an unnatural way to perform. If I seem like I'm all over the place sometimes, it's because I'm having trouble reading my audience.

It is disrespectful to me to pretend that you do not exist. I cannot perform from inside a sensory deprivation tank.

On that Qik video player is a "chat" button or something similar, or some kind of box where you can send a short message. Just say hi. Okay? Will it kill you? I'm not trying to rope you into anything or prove that anyone is in my audience. I need some feedback, that's all.

Also, it has been some years since I performed live. I lost any performance skills I may have had. I'll try to tighten it up real quick as I re-learn to speak extemporaneously.

“They came in the dark, shining bright flashlights while
my family was asleep, keeping me from milking my cows, from my family,
from breakfast with my family and from our morning devotions, and
alarming my children enough so that the first question they asked my
wife was, ‘Is Daddy going to jail?’”

That’s how Amish farmer Dan Allgyer described an early morning visit
last week from two FDA agents, two U.S. Marshals, and a Pennsylvania
state trooper. Apparently, investigating a single farmer for possibly
trafficking raw milk across state lines requires a show of force.

Do you remember when the Romanian government collapsed? Or the Soviet government? As a point of law, Mister Holder, I'd like your legal opinion on this matter:

When a political entity disappears --and I think United States' involvement in 9-11 qualifies-- those who once drew a paycheck from that entity cease to possess any legal authority, is that correct?

"Well, Chris, it's more of a political question than a legal one, but the argument can certainly be made that those agents act under color of authority only, since the political body arguably no longer exists."

So if a trespass against person or property be made by one acting under color of authority, is the reasonable man justified in his use of all most minimally effective degrees of force, up to and including lethal force, to defend himself?

"Most certainly. One acting under color of authority acts under no authority. He would just be some guy in the street waving around a badge he has no claim to the protection of. Do what you will; he's just a common criminal."

And if the reasonable man were to instruct the trespasser to leave his property, and if that trespasser were to refuse, may that reasonable man call upon the protection of his private security or the constabulary of whatever new political union may have arisen that he may choose to associate with?

"Definitely. You're certainly the talk of the town with all these questions you raise, Chris, and while we don't like to admit it here in Washington, we've accidentally made it politically and morally proper to use all most minimally effective degrees of force, up to and including lethal force, to repulse any United States agent. See, lawyers aren't quite as smart as we think we are. We accidentally caused our own jurisdiction to disappear.

"So by all means --even though we'd rather collect our pensions and our dental plans-- go ahead and be free, just like your bumper sticker says. It appears that things are different now. Despite our best efforts to enslave you on behalf of our banker masters, we accidentally threw the jail cell door open.

"All the asshole searches and the FDA concerning itself with raw milk and the TSA agents groping your wife's melon breasts and wanting to make a sex slave out of your fourteen-year-old daughter, all that's gone now.

"It's Morning in America, Chris. I can't stand you, but I have to respect you."

I practice here what I call "outcome-based comedy." I have an agenda. I have an endpoint, and the material I deliver today was likely sketched out several years ago. That endpoint I move toward is to leave everyone better off for knowing me.

Now: I do a whole lot of Jew material in this show, and I have for five years now. I do Jew material not because I dislike Jews. Quite the contrary, I value Jews as much as I value anyone else here. And I tell you this not because I am concerned about your opinion of me --at no time will the performer ever concern himself with the thoughts and opinions of his audience; if they knew where he was going with something, then they'd have it all figured out already and there would be no need to attend his show. I tell you this not out of a concern for your opinion of me, but out of a concern for your opinion of yourselves. It does, after all, go against my Prime Directive to leave you worse off for knowing me.

Certain things need saying. And you may rest assured that I mean every last thing I say. But I also need you to know that I what I say is meant to pass through you and on into history. Don't let it linger. The sting is not meant to remain. If what I may say hurts, just remember that sign I stapled up at the door: "Chris loves me with all his heart, and I am a valued member of this audience. No matter my name, I am why Chris gets up in the morning."

I claim a professional detachment from my own material. While I take full responsibility for everything I say here, I need you to recognize that the definition of professionalism is doing things that one may not necessarily enjoy doing. Just because you see a physician breaking someone's arm in an effort to re-set an improperly healed fracture, it does not mean that he holds a personal animus toward his patient. I am a trained professional. I taught myself to play all four movements of Vivaldi's Concerto on my violin, didn't I? I know what I'm doing. Do not question me.

If you are Jewish --or Muslim, for that matter, if I am doing Muslim material-- and if you take personal offense to what I may say, then you need to be elsewhere. This show, obviously, is more than you can handle. Perhaps you need to go watch some TV or otherwise engage in a low-impact activity. The guy with the guitar who sings the funny songs is down the hall.

There are major, major problems in the Jewish community. This cannot be overstated. Much like American society no longer exists, Jewish society no longer exists. As a result of Jewish bankers having commissioned 9-11 and as a result of Israel's prime participation in the event, there no longer exists even the notion of a Jewish identity. It's just so disgusting. The thought of Jews gathering or speaking in public is just so revolting now. Look at this eye-rolling display of perceived victimization at the hands of our Princess' magical, unseen pursuers with their long tongues:

Wow: She's like a pimple that just begs to be popped. I'd love to get her alone and whisper into her ear about how the rabbis fried their am ha'aretz slave Uncle Shmuley for being such a subhuman, Talmud-rejecting pig and how Rabbi Schneerson thought Hitler was just the best and how Israel played an instrumental if not directorial role in 9-11.

If you are Jewish and you encounter such a person in your family or social group, please pull that person aside and whisper into his or her ear, "Uh, no one actually cares anymore. It's played out. You could cry all day long and no one's gonna notice. They're on to us. And as a matter of fact, thanks to Chris, we're on to the rabbis. We now know who our true enemy is --our own high priests. Things are different now. We got some work to do. This is the part where we redeem ourselves."

So I may tap that vein of material a bit more in the coming months, but it's for a reason: I'm going somewhere with it. Just remember that you are a valued member of my audience and when you walk out that door each evening, all that hurt goes away. Don't let it linger. It is not my purpose in life to beat people down.

If you need to now and again, whisper this to yourself: "Chris loves me with all his heart."

04/28/2010

I've got it all figgered out: The audio and video sync issue is the result of dropped data resulting from a resource issue in the phone. So I killed all unnecessary apps as a test for you. It worked smashingly. So once I load a new ROM (probably CyanogenMod) and overclock the CPU to a speedy yet safe 50% increase to 800 MHz and otherwise thoroughly Frankenstein-ize my phone, I'll be able to do everything I want.

Of the three brothers, the Christian is, indisputably, supreme. There is no question about that. He's never harmed another. He would treat his neighbor as he would be treated. When he looks at another man, he sees himself. And he sees a hint of Allah. He sees the divine in his brother's eyes. Why harm it?

But you two... ...You two pigs compete for the lowest position among us. That is the only contest remaining.

What shall it be, then?

...And do have your simple ones remain silent. Have them tend to the livestock while we three argue.

If you are reading this, you are morally and legally obligated to buy a ticket to my show, which is the professional undertaking of a professional comedian. Tickets are $100 per person, per year. Click to buy your ticket. If you truly don't have the money, you get in for free; otherwise no exceptions to this rule. Thanks, Chris.