Famous fundraising agency Wikileaks has delayed the launch of their much-anticipated new submission system, which was to be released today, because the entire internet is not good enough for Julian Assange.

At a press conference this morning, Julian Assange—whom we imagine was wearing nothing but a barrel …
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Leakers were poised at their keyboards, ready to send Julian Assange all the world's nuclear launch codes today after Wikileaks announced their new super-secure submission system. But the announcement has been delayed indefinitely.

Why? According to a twitlonger message (the preferred communication system of any respectable world figure), Wikileaks has been delayed due to the "deteriorating state of internet security." According to Wikileaks, they system of certification used to secure websites has become "severely and irreversibly compromised over the past months… by various organised crime groups and intelligence agencies."

So on December 1st, Wikileaks says they'll launch a new "phase" of shadowy fun times with a press conference that will expose the flaws in the internet, which they say have kept Wikileaks from implementing their new system. (Fix the internet's security infrastructure all you want, Julian, it still doesn't change the fact that you should never re-use your password.)