All About Me

I really don’t post on this blog that often anymore, If you want to find me and keep up with what is my life, you can find me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/iampattyrowe 🙂 I find it a little upsetting to constantly talk about my issues, and find it much more helpful with my physical and mental issues to think less and find solutions to problems quicker in my life, even when things seem impossible. My meds have helped make this change in my need to be in a constant upset state possible, so I’m making progress! Of course I will probably stop by and have a rant here and there, but not anything regularly, because things are going really great, and I find people aren’t really interested in reading about happy people lol! So Yes, I’m still a mother, friend, I love and I suffer from Fibromyalgia, but I’m headed to the better side of life, and I FUCKING DESERVE IT! Yep, that’s right!

I danced at a wedding in March – Man what a difference a few years makes!

Yeah, I’m cute LOL and I’ve gained a ton of weight, so F-U if you don’t like it!

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I’m not sure why I cant find it in myself to write to this blog more than once a month but it seems that’s all I can muster these days. Is it the incredible amount of free time keeping me from my thoughts? Maybe, but I like to think that everything’s perfect and there’s a reason I wait till I have a little something of substance before I share my feelings.

I’ve had such a longing feeling of nostalgia lately, I’m missing everything from days past, my “young” children, my life before FM, my “old” friends, my youth. Why? I’m not really sure, is it a “midlife” thing? I don’t know. I’ve learned not to question why so much as why not. Why not long for things that have passed, it doesn’t really do any good, but somehow its soothing so I’m gonna roll with it. Am I making any sense? LOL Probably not and that’s okay too!

I’ve been adding old High School friends to my face book and I have to tell you, its bitter-sweet. The closest friend I ever had in my life thinks I’m a dumb ass, shes the closest I’ve ever come to having a sister but we lost touch, and argued over silly shit 10 years ago, my old boyfriends are all ex-druggies, alcoholics, or just plain losers. (exactly why they’re ex’s) but whats bothering me is that 25 years changes everything and nothing at all.

Were all taller, fatter, smarter, and more opinionated, but inside were still the same kids that are insecure, silly, wanting, and brave. This is sounding more and more like a mid-life issue as i type this LOL. Seriously though, I wouldn’t want to go back to those days in the 80’s, they were sure fun, but I wasn’t equipped to deal with the things I did back then, unwanted pregnancies, binge drinking, pot smoking, etc etc. It’s a freaking miracle I made it out alive actually.

What is a relief to me though is that my kids now 21-19-17 don’t do any of that crap I did when I was a teenager, they actually have high self-esteem, and they want good things for themselves and they have goals, which is more than I had or did, so in that respect, Ive been a good parent, even though I didn’t have much good example of how to do that.

I guess that its the time that’s passed that’s bothering me, my kids are almost grown, going to college, working, driving, being young adults. Another chapter of my life is about to start soon and its a little strange to be honest. No more babies, no more school days, softball or baseball games, gymnastics, swimming, and all the things that used to occupy my life.

Also, now that I have FM/CFS and I’m not working, I have entirely too much freaking time on my hands to over think my life, worry about the future, and dwell on the past. I guess this blog entry will serve as my lesson to live in the PRESENT. We only have today, and tomorrow is not promised to any of us, so did I enjoy today? Not particularly, but I made it the best day I could, and that’s all I can ask of myself.

So the lesson of today is to live in the moment, its easier said than done, but I’m gonna give it a heck of a try, and ya know what? Life is good. 🙂

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A few days ago marked my first 100 days on low-dose naltrexone and I’m happy to report that this endorphin therapy has boosted my central nervous system to a near normal state. I no longer feel depressed (without an anti-depressant) I feel HAPPY! I’m having some issues with my legs still but now that I’m not a freaking basket case I can address those. Who would have thought that an old drug used for addiction would put my life back together physically and mentally. I feel so fortunate that I found this only 8 months after my official diagnosis, what if I had NEVER found it? I shudder to think of what my non-life would be like. It hurts that I’ve lost friends, lost time, lost a bit of my life to Fibromyalgia, but in other ways, if you look hard, this has given me my life back better and lovelier than before. Life is all how you look at it, and LIFE IS GOOD~ 🙂

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It looks like I havn’t been here in nearly 2 weeks! Ive missed you WordPress 🙂 Update on Literati with my mother… I WON A GAME! LOL I figured out that the key to “possibly” winning is not to take the morning dose of Lyrica. It makes me all dopey and in la-la land! Thats my story anyway, and I’m sticking to it.

As for what else has been going on well, a lot has really. John was on vacation for a week, we stayed home and did absolutely nothing. My son went to California to visit his GF and her family, he had a great time and probably wants to move soon. My old BF was in the hospital for a week, he’s back home now. Thank goodness. I was and am still worried about him. It seems he’s lost his will to succeed, and as everyone knows, thats a shit-hole place to be. Im really doing my best to help him want to go on and be all he can be… oh wait he’s already done that 🙂 The Army! Seriously though, I really care about him and hope he gets well soon. Have I told my husband that I’m talking to an old boyfriend? Umm, NO. Why bring all that past baggage up, we have enough problems without that issue to deal with. Do I feel wrong about it? Umm, NO. I guess I should but I really dont.

As for my Fibromyalgia, it seems to have leveled out a bit. I’m 30 today on the PFRS (Pain, Fatigue, Rating Scale) a “0” is no pain or fatigue, and a “50” is the worst pain, so I’m relatively in the middle, toward the top with my symptoms. I have been a 40, so I’ll take a 30 anyday. I’d prefer a 5, LOL. We will see.

Speaking of PFRS and Fibromyalgia, I have a doctor appt. on May 4th, with my Rheumatologist. I plan on bringing him some research work I’ve done on LDN. Also known as Low Dose Naltrexone. Its a drug if used at 50mg, helps heroin, and alcoholics stop receiving pleasure from their addictions. At 4.5mg (LDN) it helps the brain release endorphins and raises energy and lowers pain. If my doctor wont write me a script for it, I plan on finding a doctor who will. Its my body, and my daily discomfort, and MY LIFE and the quality of it thats at stake, and the stakes are too high not to try this remarkable drug.

I promise I’ll try my hardest (lol) to do a daily blog again… OH one more thing, I put 200+ songs on my new BlackBerry 9700, and OMG, thats the best phone/mp3/camera/internet browser in a gadget Ive ever owned. AMAZING!

and Life Is Still Good….

Patty 🙂

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This is a game I’ve loved to play for the last decade. I’ve played with online friends, real friends, and my mom! I havent played since 2008 and decided to tackle it again to battle my cognitive difficulties due to Fibromyalgia. Yesterday, LOL, i doubled up on my Lyrica because my legs had those “shooting pains” that feel like hot pokers are being shoved in my hips and thighs. Anyway, I was pretty loopy and lost 3 long games to my 62-year-old mom! She reminded me that age isn’t a handicap, but a … whats the word…shit. Well anyway, were playing again today and she’s kicked my butt twice, but the score was WAY closer so far. I had forgotten how much strategy it takes for correct letter placement and remembering what words the computer will allow. I play on Yahoo Games using Amish Donkey backdoor site, (which is a great thing)! I also love to play online backgammon against the computer…which always rolls double sixes to win LOL!

I used to spend my time immersed in other peoples drama, friends, family, and I find that I’m just better off if I deal with my own “inner drama”, you know, the crap you think about that you never tell anyone about, inner dialogue. It’s so much easier to deal with myself without sorting through all the clutter which used to be my life.

Well, I’m feeling pretty decent today which is nice. I plan on enjoying this mundane day to the fullest and life is good!

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As I reach my 42nd birthday, I have encompassed all that Ive learned up to this point, and I realize that my life has been good. I remember that turning 40 was such a big deal for me internally, but now I realize that being in the middle of life just means that you appreciate more greatly what youve learned, and it becomes easier to apply what you know to lifes struggles.

That being said, today I’m going to have a pedicure, go shopping with my man, and enjoy my life as a 42 year old 🙂