Legitime Expenses for Constituency Work: maintenance work on castle's [blank], planting and upkeep of a forest of [blank] trees, research trips to the Costa del [blank], the French [blank]iera, and to Hong [blank]. 8-course dinners at the [blank] Hotel every week, for self and 23 aides, followed by 3 hours' research into the effects of sparkling wine on the stomach at the [blank] Bar and Grill in [blank] Street.

Other Expenses, Because, Well, You Can: endless hand made clothes and shoes, endless foreign holidays, endless foreign fact-finding trips with a secretary or two, endless travelling, eating, buying and consuming, all at taxpayers' expense, and endless paying journalists to quote self saying 'I broke no rules when I was caught', when caught.

Sign Here: Do Not Use the Name Blears or Adams; Do Not Pass Go; Do Not Collect 200; Do Go Direct To Spend More Time With Your Family.