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Nov 30, 2010

Now that Thanksgiving is over, you can officially put one of these one the top of your blog:

You should be able to click on it, see it larger and save it to your computer. Then just upload it into your header slot. Or I guess you can link it to the image url. Whatever. Just do whatever you want. Go ahead. Do it.

It's especially awesome now that it's all Christmas-y. And my kids really like the games in the Kids Club. (If I weren't hogging the computer all the time, they'd actually get to play them more often like they want to.)

Nov 17, 2010

You know how for my last eye surgery I was really worried about doing something horribly embarrassing? But then I just snored the whole time?

I don't remember much during that surgery other than thinking, "I'm snoring. I need to stop snoring. Why can't I stop myself from snoring?" The rest of the surgery - I dunno? Don't remember a thing.

This time though? I remember every detail.

(Like how it took 5 tries to get my IV in and so my forearms are now covered in bruises, and it's a good thing I'm not needle-shy. But I wasn't drugged for that part, so I don't think it really counts in the whole "what I remembered this time versus last time" category.)

The anesthesiologist (I hate spelling that word - it's an impossible word to spell, I tell you) gave me the same drugs as I had for the first surgery. But then when my Dr was like, "Ok, let's do this," I was like, "WOOOOOOOOAH, I'm still really aware over here! Shouldn't I be snoring by now?!!!!"

But apparently nobody cared too much, because they did the surgery anyway. It didn't hurt and it's not like I could see what was going on. But when you feel something tugging on your eyeball and then you hear someone say, "Ok, clip this right here" IT'S TOTALLY FREAKY.

Also, my Dr took a break from eyeball clipping 3 times to answer calls on his cell phone. Seriously. (See how I'm not just being sensitive or dramatic when I say that he's sort of a jerk? What kind of Dr answers calls DURING surgery?)

Besides the calls I also got to hear about the time that my Dr was in Vegas at some expensive restaurant/costume party and he bumped into Christina Aguilera on the way to the rest room. She was dressed as a nurse - white uniform, big red cross. And then my Dr saw the "most amazing" costume he's ever seen. It was made entirely of flowers, and he made a point of telling everyone (multiple times) that he looked really close and didn't see a scrap of fabric anywhere - the whole thing was just flowers. It was an amazing FLOWER BIKINI. And also the woman wearing it was beautiful and smelled good. (Yes, my Dr is married. Pretty sure his wife wasn't at this party.)

Also there was a short conversation about the band Lover Boy.

So yeah. Second surgery - way more freaky and.......informative?

Up side though - my Dr didn't use the evil eye dilating drops that he used last time. The dilation is supposed to wear off after like 10 hours. It took my mutant pupil about 10 days to get back to normal size. (My sister and I have mutant pupils that love being dilated and therefore don't usually even require eyedrops to do the job.) And if you've ever had a fully dilated pupil for 10 days, you'll know why I referred to myself as having vampire eye. So phew, no vampirical pupil traits this time around.

And another major up side: PERCOCET.

I pretty much decided I wasn't walking out of the surgery center without some kind of pain killer.

Have I ever mentioned my love of pain killers? Because I really really love them. It's the only reason I can even look at this computer screen long enough to write a blog post about how much I love them.

So all in all, everything eyeball related is going well. And despite having been more freaked out during the actual surgery I'm recovering at a pace about 3 times faster than before, which isn't too shabby.

Nov 13, 2010

Actually, I'm pretty obsessed with windows. And that the blinds are closed exactly at dusk. You know, before anyone (or any thing -because you never know when the saber tooth tiger is going to get sick of the garage and start lurking in the back yard-) can SEE us.

It's just that sometimes I forget the car has windows too. And that they are, in fact, transparent.

I always seem to remember when I'm mocking other drivers doing stupid stuff - like picking their nose or appearing to have an entire conversation when they're alone in the car. Because opportunities like that can pass without anyone even laughing, and THAT is a travesty.

But then sometimes I forget.

Like today.

I was coming home from childless errand running which means that I can crank the radio AS LOUD AS I WANT. And I like it loud. Like when you can feel it vibrating in your teeth. And usually on something hard rock-ish. Because it's ok to be evil as long as the kids aren't in the car.

However, I LOATHE radio commercials. L-O-A-T-H-E. And so I flip stations a lot. And I'm picky. Because I don't get to enjoy my music time as much as I'd like. So today, when there was nothing but commercials or Taylor Swift playing (shudder) I quickly switched to CD. Not that I had CD's to choose from, but I figured the one already in the player would have to do.

It just happened to be the soundtrack to "Phantom of the Opera". Which is almost as cool as evil hard rock, but in a total non-evil way.

So, OF COURSE, I had to lip-sync along (because actual singing along requires operatic singing skills and mine are more like barely-on-tune-most-of-the-time-but-don't-expect-it-to-be-awesome singing skills.)

And it was on the song where Carlotta is starring in the role that the Phantom demanded Christine to play, so then the Phantom makes Carlotta start croaking like a frog. So I was doing some pretty theatrical lip-syncing.

If you're not going to lip-sync with realistic flair, then don't even bother. Really.

Except I don't do these kinds of things in public. (ie. in front of someone other than JUST ME.) I'm waaaaaay too self-conscious for that.

I was in the middle of a theatrical Carlotta croak when I remembered about the windows. And how they exist. And how I was surrounded by lots of other people in their own cars with their own windows.

Other drivers better have been laughing at me, since we wouldn't want any travesties to occur. They just better be people that don't, and won't ever, know me.

Nov 11, 2010

I've had a drug-induced migraine for 3....ish....days now. It could be 4 days. What day is it?

My kids are completely inconsiderate of the fact that my head has been at the point of exploding and my stomach contents are about to be on display (because puking, or the feeling there of, also comes with migraines - the JOY).

Yesterday I said, "The next person to make a noise is going to lose their head."

And I said it really scary-like too. And I'm scary. SO SCARY.

The kids just gave me their, 'are you serious?' eyebrows and said, "What is that even supposed to mean? You're going to come cut our heads off? With what?"

And then I gave them the evil-glare-of-torturous-death as they ran away MAKING NOISE. Obviously my evil-glare-of-torturous-death is having less and less effect on them.

Thankfully my crazy eyeball pills, that are partly to blame for said migraine, will be iced on monday. (Yes, I said, "iced" as in "fitted with concrete boots and thrown into the river".) Because I'm finally having my surgery. I know, IT'S. ABOUT.TIME.

But that also means that I exchange the drug-induced migraine for a 2-week-mutant-vampire-eyeball.

At my pre-op appointment I asked for a prescription of loritab (or something similar-ish) and the pre-op lady was like, "What ever for?" And I said, "Because, why feel the pain when you don't have to?" Then she laughed and walked away. Rude. I wasn't even kidding. I think a handful of loritab isn't that much to ask for when I'm having my eyeball cut into, something inserted and pulled tight, and then sewn back together with shards of glass (or just regular stitches that FEEL like shards of glass, and therefor are pretty much the same thing.) And I HIGHLY doubt that I'm just being dramatic.

(Has anyone noticed that my abuse of punctuation is out of control in this post? Capitals and italics also count as punctuation, right?)

ANYWAYS.

This blog was featured. Yeah. By invitation. (Although, I don't think she really knew what she was asking when she emailed me).

Nov 2, 2010

(I know that Alison was supposed to be on the first cover, but I didn't want to make it look like I was TOTALLY favoring my friends....for now.....sort of. Even though I kind of did anyway. But not TOTALLY.)

My sister, Michelle, is my magazine Co-Editor-in-Cheif-and-All-Things-That-Rock (which is a real title - I looked it up...ok, no I didn't.). And Barbaloot is writing a piece every month because I only know how to write about wiping noses and butts and let's face it, we need a different perspective on life represented.

Also there is a section called "Potty Talk" and this month is Shelle's absolute FUNNIEST bathroom story ever told. (Even Husband was laughing while he proofread this, and he never laughs at things I usually think are funny, which just proves it's hilariousness.)

But mostly there's some really great blogs that we found and want to share. Because that's basically the point of the whole magazine.

So go and read it, because otherwise I'll feel like a huge loser if you don't, and that's what's really important.