RAISE YOUR GLASS of apple spider. Today we are subverting the dominant paradigm. Everybody knows that we ran out of pumpkins early. We were the dopes in that farm flop; but, now we are turning our slackjaws into smirk-o-lanterns with this simple twist of fruit: Happy Appleween.

“Happleween,” as we say among ourselves. Time for the vainglorious pumpkin—Look at me, I’m sooo orange!—to step aside. Time, indeed, for the humble apple to have it’s own holiday. October 31, every year hence.