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Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

(Jerry has lost track of George's car)Jerry: What is he doing? Is he out of his mind? Do you see him? I don't even think I see him anymore. Where is he?Elaine: Isn't that blue car him?Jerry: No, no that's not him. What happened to him. I can't believe it. I lost him. That stupid idiot. Now what are we gonna do?Elaine: It's no big deal, Jerry. We'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house.Jerry: I don't even know where the bubble boy lives. I don't even remember the name of the town.Elaine: You don't have the directions?Jerry: No, I was following him.Elaine: How could you not take the directions?Jerry: Because HE'S my directions.

(George is driving too fast as Jerry is following him)Jerry: What's he doing? What is his hurry?Elaine: Well, you know George. It's not good enough to get there. You gotta make good timing.Jerry: I know he once went from West 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in 25 minutes. I never heard the end of it.(Elaine laughs quietly)Jerry: Look at him.

Helen: Why did you tell this crazy guy that Kramer didn't invite him to his party?Jerry: I didn't know he wasn't invited.Morty: Hey, these are very comfortable pants. You know what I paid for these Jerry?Helen: So why did you say anything?Jerry: It was a mistake.Morty: They're good around the house and they're good for outside!

(monologue) Don't you hate "to be continued" on TV? It's horrible when you sense the "to be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show You're into the story. There's like five minutes left and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it! Timmy's still stuck in the cave! There's no way they're gonna wrap this up in five minutes!" I mean, the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see. I can't go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm -- Can you come back next week?"

Jerry: Let me explain to you what you just did. There are literally hundreds of people trying to get pilot deals with them this year. They go with maybe five. Okay, if we pass, that's it. They go to the next show.George: Ooooo, I'm scaredOhooo, they're not gonna do the show.Jerry: We're lucky they're even interested in the show in the first place. We got a show about nothing. With no story. What do you think, they're up there going, "Hey, maybe we should give those two guys, who have no experience and no ideas, more money"?George: Ohooo, what are we gonna do? I'm shaking. I'm shaking.

Elaine: (referring to Dr. Reston) He's like a Svenjolly.Jerry: Svengali.Elaine: What did I say?Jerry: Svenjolly.Elaine: Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly.Jerry: George?George: Svenjolly. (licking some peanut butter off his finger)Elaine: I don't see how I could've said Svenjolly.Jerry: Well, maybe he's got, like, a cheerful mental hold on you.

(Kramer answers Jerry's phone and begins speaking Italian)Jerry: What are you doing? What's wrong with you, what are you doing? Give me that phone. Go to your apartment and lie down, I'll make an appointment for a doctor today.(Kramer mutters and leaves)Jerry: Hello? Oh, hi, I'm sorry. No, that's my next door neighbor, he's not quite himself, he got kicked in the head.

(to George) You know, you really need some help. But a regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like, Vienna, or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the university level. Like where Freud studied, and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No, you need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock, thinking about you, having conferences, observing you. Like the way they did with the Elephant Man.

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George: I like sports. I could do something in sports.Jerry: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?George: You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something.Jerry: Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough to get.George: Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a colour man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.George: What about that?Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.George: Well, that's really not fair.Jerry: I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else do you like?George: Movies. I like to watch movies.Jerry: Yeah. Yeah.George: Do they pay people to watch movies?Jerry: Projectionists.George: That's true.Jerry: But you gotta know how to work the projector.George: Right.Jerry: And it's probably a union thing.George: (scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay. Sports, movies what about a talk show host?Jerry: Talk show host. That's good.George: I think I'd be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host.Jerry: Really?George: Yeah. A couple of people. I don't get that, though. Where do you start?Jerry: Well, that's where it gets tricky.George: You can't just walk into a building and say "I wanna be a talk show host".Jerry: I wouldn't think so.George: It's all politics.Jerry: All right, okay. Sports, movies, talk show host. What else?George: This could have been a huge mistake.Jerry: Well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through.

George: Why don't they have salsa on the table?Jerry: What do you need salsa for?George: Salsa is now the number one condiment in America.Jerry: You know why? Because people like to say "salsa." "Excuse me, do you have any salsa?" We need more salsa." "Where's the salsa? No salsa?"George: You know, it must be impossible for a Spanish person to order seltzer and not get salsa. "I wanted seltzer, not salsa!"Jerry: "Don't you know the difference between seltzer and salsa?! You have the seltzer after the salsa!"