Coast Guard: Our birthday was Thursday, thanks for noticing

WASHINGTON — Coast Guard Commandant Admiral Paul F. Zukunft has sent a scathing rebuke to the other services entitled “Our Birthday Was Thursday, Thanks For Noticing,” according to sources.

Despite ramping up publicity efforts The United States Coast Guard’s birthday passed without fanfare from the general public.

“We started posting a lot of Facebook type stuff about a week in advance,” said Zukunft. “There is absolutely no excuse as to why it was not shared by at least the Navy.”

“So, I sent them a memo, and I copied the Secretary’s of Defense, Homeland Security, and Interior. We do stuff on inland waterways, too.”

Grand Haven, Michigan, the held the nation’s only parade to honor the Coast Guard birthday. A single ride-on lawn mower painted in bold colors with a Coast Guard emblem led a small parade for an enthusiastic crowd of more than 19 people.

“We at first thought that there might be a surprise party or something planned for us” said Master Chief Steven W. Cantrell, the senior enlisted advisor to the Commandant of the Coast Guard.

“When Thursday August 4th came around and we really saw nothing, we knew no one really cared.”

On the same day the Coast Guard commemorated its birthday, President Obama celebrated his 55th birthday.

“It also didn’t help that our birthday was on the same day as President Obama’s,” said Vice Commandant Admiral Charles D. Michel. “That’s pretty pretentious and unpatriotic to steal the limelight on our birthday.”

Teen becoming officer so he can tell his enlisted stepfather what to do

ST. LOUIS— Charlotte High School graduate Devin Jaskot will soon enter the Coast Guard’s Officer Candidate School this July for the sole reason of bossing around his fat piece of shit stepdad, Petty Officer 1st Class Carl Barnes, sources confirmed today.

Jaskot’s mother married Barnes in 2016 with much protest from Jaskot. Despite his claims that Barnes was a lazy and pathetic excuse of a man, Jaskot was required to attend his mother’s wedding, with Barnes wearing a wrinkled dress bravo uniform.

“That’s when I took a vow to enter the Coast Guard’s officer training so I can out rank this asshole and tell him to go clean the head,” said Jaskot. “He calls me ‘buddy’ and ‘sport’ and winks at me at the dinner table like some greasy pedophile sailor.”

Barnes is a 15-year E-6 who met Jaskot’s mom on eHarmony while stationed in the Upper Mississippi Coast Guard station.

“We had our first date at the Macaroni Grill, and when we connected on our mutual love of ‘Burn Notice,’ I knew she would be my wife,” said Barnes when asked about his relationship with Jaskot’s mother.

Jaskot’s intentions to join the Coast Guard have the support of his stepfather.

“I’m actually very proud he’s joining the Coast Guard. He’s such a bright and enthusiastic young guy who can do some great things if he puts his mind to it — even though he’s a little impatient with me and calls me Petty Officer Mouthbreather when he sees me in uniform.”

“Can you believe I was 3 years old when he enlisted in the Coast Guard?’” said Jaskot. “Once I graduate, I’m going to walk right up to his pudgy subhuman body and tell his gelatinous fat ass to scrub the decks. Then I’ll provide him some drive-by tasking, busy work, and a whole bunch of micro-managing. I’m going to make his life a living hell!”

In addition to Devin Jaskot, a DOD survey found that roughly 16% of all Officer Candidate School applicants are motivated by outranking piece of shit family members who are a complete waste of space.

GREENBELT, Md — With claims that sound suspiciously similar to a recent incident at a Home Depot in Kansas, jailed Coast Guard Lt. Christopher Hasson now claims “plotting domestic terrorism” is how he describes going to the bathroom, sources confirmed today.

“Lieutenant Hasson’s arrest is system overreach of the highest order,” Hasson’s lawyer, Julie Stelzig, said. “My client is guilty of having a penchant for spicy Thai food, a leaky b-hole, and a creative vocabulary, nothing else.”

While authorities remain skeptical, Hasson’s team is attempting to sway the public by going directly to the media. White power, mass murder of innocent civilians, and neo-Nazism are diarrhea ideologies and should therefore be considered acceptable euphemisms for having diarrhea, his team emphasized in a press statement.

While novel, it’s doubtful the defense will be effective.

“Everybody poops, not everyone spends their day googling mass shootings,” said a law enforcement official familiar with the case. “It also doesn’t explain the weapons the defendant was stockpiling or his association with known terrorist groups.

In response, Hasson reportedly clarified that he suffers from erectile dysfunction, which he treats by taking Cialis, stockpiling ammunition, and spending time with piece of shit human beings.

A major typo in a recent presidential directive to the Coast Guard has caused the service to expend thousands of man-hours and millions of dollars in resources guarding the country’s coats, sources confirmed today.

“The Coast Guard, as its primary mission, shall ensure the safety and security of our nation’s coats,” read an executive order issued by President Donald Trump. “These duties shall include search and rescue, drug interdiction, and especially arctic operations.”

The Coast Guard has redirected its priorities away from maritime security in response to the order and is instead focusing on the defense of coats made by everyday brands like The North Face and L.L. Bean, as well as high-end brands like Burberry and Canada Goose. However, it is still unclear whether its responsibilities will extend to the defense of lighter-weight jackets and cardigans.

“If we were to enter a new Cold War with China, it is essential that our strategic reserve of coats is kept safe and in a high state of readiness,” said Coast Guard Commandant Adm. Karl Schultz. “Otherwise everyone would freeze to death.”

Schultz admitted that while guarding coats is an atypical mission set for a service that was designed to patrol waterways, it is one his service is prepared to undertake.

“A couple of months ago, we had ensigns who couldn’t tell the difference between a peacoat and a chesterfield,” admitted Schultz. “Now, we have troops deployed to every REI and coat check room around the country ready to take action.”

At press time, a Coast Guard Maritime Security Response Team was deployed to the mid-Atlantic to investigate reports of a sinking goat.

Coast Guard tells families to “sell your organs, start hooking” to help cope with government shutdown

WASHINGTON — The Coast Guard published a list of recommended actions today that its service members and their families can take to cope with the continuing government shutdown, including selling their bodily organs and taking part in extramarital prostitution.

The guidance is a 7-step checklist given to the thousands of families and federal employees who will not be receiving a paycheck due to the furlough.

With no end in sight, the Coast Guard has recommended the following actions and tips, assuring those affected that “you may have to temporarily make changes in the way you handle your finances, but by following these steps, you’ll be more likely to get quickly back on track when the furlough period is over.”

Understand the Details – Find out the Specifics of Your Furlough

Chances are that if you are being furloughed, it is for a completely invalid reason and the result of someone’s personal agenda. Keeping that mindset, this is a perfect opportunity for you to ask your command for answers, but know that you will likely not get a reasonable response. We encourage you to reach out to your Administrative Officer for additional information, even though they’re also on furlough and probably unable to answer your question

Crunch the Numbers

Assess your financial situation so that you can make good decisions during these trying times. Getting organized is key because only God and James Mattis know when you’ll actually be getting paid again.

Get Lean

Evaluate your spending. Do you really NEED food and water? That PT test next quarter will be here before you know it, and you could probably stand to lose a few. What better thing to motivate you to get fiscally responsible than incomprehensible government furloughs with no end in sight?

Consider your needs. History shows that a lot of people actually went their entire lives without electricity before Ben Franklin. Why not pay tribute to our founding fathers? Save some bucks and unplug/unhook everything in your house. Make it a fun game for the kids!

Supplement Your Income

Finding alternative methods of income is a wise decision during government furloughs. Have you considered selling your non-vital organs? Nobody ACTUALLY needs both kidneys. Why not make easy money and save someone’s life?

Another great idea is to have your spouse frequent street corners and questionable hotels, conveniently located just off any military post worldwide. The Coast Guard is full of families, and its time each member start pulling their own weight. Studies have shown that prostitution is a great way to make extra bucks, and much like driving for Uber or Lyft, you get to pick the hours you work!

When low on cash, just remember – “Sell Your Organs, Start Hooking.”

Avoid the Credit Trap

Don’t be afraid to talk with your creditors. Somebody has got to be the one to tell them why your mortgage payments and credit card bills won’t be paid this month, and it’s definitely not going to come from us or the federal government.

Your credit score will undoubtedly take a hit during this period of no-pay, but if you prepare enough, it will be less depressing a year from now.

Don’t Go At it Alone

One team, one fight. You are not alone in this time of potentially crippling debt and depression, there are many other families and federal contractors out there screaming themselves hoarse with rage over this nonsensical furlough. Find others to vent your frustration with. Because in the hardest of times, it is important for us to stick together despite your employer completely abandoning you.

Coast Guard helicopter totally forgot why it came out here in the first place

TAMPA, Fla. – A Coast Guard MH-60 Jayhawk helicopter has completely forgot why it flew all the way out here in the middle of the ocean after it was launched from Air Station Clearwater this morning to respond to the search and rescue notification, sources confirmed today.

“I knew I flew out here for something,” exclaimed Lt. Brandon Rivera- González. “I’m pretty sure it was for a person in the water, or was it a boat taking on water? … oh man, I hate when this happens.” The pilot proceeded to retrace their steps trying to recall what it was they were searching for in the first place.

Air Station Clearwater launched its helicopter this morning for a search and rescue case 13 nautical miles offshore in response to a distress call or something. It is not exactly clear. Coast Guard Sector Hampton Roads Command Center was contacted by the helicopter to reassess the situation and remind them of their mission. When contacted, the watch stander on duty shrugged and mumbled, “Uhh I don’t know.”

The Coast Guard proceeded to commence a search pattern that resembled a circle and then a triangle, which gradually became an aimless squiggle in the middle of the ocean. Coast Guard Atlantic Area policy states that if a helicopter is to forget why it’s searching in the first place, the helicopter is to just look for stuff and things.

At press time, sources confirmed that when the helicopter touched down at a local airport for lunch, they suddenly remembered what they were searching for.

“Oooh yeah!” exclaimed Rivera-González, “We were supposed to look for some missing guy with an orange kayak … or was it green?”

Whale gives Coast Guard cutter ‘the fin’ after being cut off

BERING SEA — A disgruntled humpback whale returning from his migration journey has reportedly flipped the Coast Guard Cutter Munro ‘the fin’ in response to a near miss with the large sea mammal, sources confirm today.

“Learn how to sail you fuckin’ psychos,” said the 40-year old sea mammal, acknowledging that he has not seen such amateur navigation since he was a calf.

“There I was just minding my own business when suddenly WHAM here comes this white-ass mother fucker out of nowhere.” exclaimed the humpback. “They act like they own the ocean! Assholes.”

The cutter recently completed it’s fisheries patrol in the Bering Sea when it came mere inches away from striking the whale. Witnesses believe the combination of a newly recruited seaman at the helm and an ensign who is a freshly qualified officer of the deck was the main cause of this careless near-casualty.

Coast Guard begins reselling seized cocaine amid government shutdown

SAN DIEGO — With the Coast Guard being the only branch of the military whose members may go without during the current government shutdown, the service has decided to resell the nearly $1 billion dollars worth of cocaine seized in the past six months to supplement pay for the 42,000 men and women on active duty.

“We doubt legislation will be passed by Friday, Dec. 28, which will keep us from getting our scheduled pay check for 31 Dec.,” Chief Warrant Officer Kevin Francescon said in a statement. “However, we have a shit ton of drugs. And if we can capture it, we damn well can sell it back for twice the price to the right buyers.”

With Coast Guardsman needing to pay mortgages, rent, food, and travel expenses, the service weighed various options to cover the services many costs, such as a GoFundMe campaign, mandatory intermittent fasting, bread-lines at military galleys, and turning the Coast Guard’s small boats into party boats and their cutters into cruise liners.

Officials said that since the Coast Guard was the only part of the military under the Department of Homeland Security, it left them as the only military service not being paid as other branches continued to receive funding during the shutdown. Nevertheless, those other services don’t have over 20 tons of pure uncut cocaine in storage to sell to the highest bidder, according to multiple sources.

Besides the federal drug sale, Navy Federal Credit Union has announced a relief program offering a zero-interest loan to qualified affected members, while USAA has offered a free sponsored coffee mug to use while members panhandle outside of all Coast Guard bases.

On Friday, Trump threatened Congress with continuing the shutdown if lawmakers refused to fund $5 billion for the border wall, and said that since the Coast Guard’s motto is “Always Ready,” why weren’t they ready for this?

Nevertheless, the Coast Guard remains in good spirits though and according to Pamatian, “If we run out of blow we can always sell all the marijuana we captured. You think we just burn it?”