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Tuesday, April 9, 2013

An Open Letter to the Mother of the Little Punk Who Busted My Kid’s Head Open at Recess

Dear Ms. LittlePunksMom:

I don’t know how to tell you this. I’m not sure if I even need to tell you, because you have probably heard this before: your son, your precious baby boy, the apple of your eye, has some behavior issues is an asshole. (Why sugar coat?) I don’t usually assign such harsh labels to children, so it almost feels wrong doing it here. Almost. But your boy is special. He has risen above my “but he’s just a kid” reasoning. So you can rest easy in knowing he’s capable of excelling at something.

I’ve heard your son’s name on several occasions over the last couple of years. It seems he enjoys getting a rise out of the girls in his social sphere. He has a little band of followers – other boys who are in awe of his mastery of all things obnoxious – who laugh at his every “joke” and even attempt to throw out some of their own. Their odd brand of humor is at the expense of girls who are guaranteed to give them the best response for their effort. Imagine a whiny girl voice saying, “Sto-oopp i-iiit!!” “Leave me alo-oone!!” “Go awa-aaay!!!” ﻿﻿

Yes. Your son is That Kid.

﻿﻿The more frustrated and flustered the girls become, the more LP and his hangers on laugh and carry on. I can only assume that LP’s favorite targets are in the running to be your future daughter-in-law, given how the 10-year-old brain works. Either that or LP is gearing up to be a world-class douchebag reality TV star.

To be honest, I haven’t heard LP’s name come up in conversation much lately. In fact, he had fallen from the top of my Bully Watchlist. But then yesterday he rocketed right back up to the top of my list, little overachiever that he is. For reasons that only his warped little brain will ever comprehend only known to him, he picked up an object and hurled it at El’s head when she was about to come down a slide at recess. He said it was mulch. El is pretty sure was a rock. In any event, LP hurled said object with enough force to break the skin and cause bruising and swelling. El is now walking around with a weeping goose egg on her forehead because of your son. So thank you for that.

I know that children are constantly testing the boundaries of their parents’ sanity, so I’ma do my best to give you the benefit of the doubt here. I’ma go ahead and assume that you are trying your best to teach LP right from wrong and for some reason it’s just not sticking yet. Maybe he hasn’t yet developed the impulse control one needs to belong in polite society. Maybe the part of his brain that controls compassion is missing. Or maybe he’s a demon-possessed minion of The Devil Hisself who is getting his feet wet before he wreaks some serious havoc on this world. ﻿﻿﻿﻿

Hey, I’m just throwing out suggestions here.

﻿﻿﻿﻿Whatever the reason behind LP’s unfortunate behavior choices, he is back in my sights. I have confirmation from the principal that they are conducting an investigation into what happened. I am expecting a status report some time this afternoon. Maybe LP really didn’t mean to aim the rock/mulch at El. Maybe he was just hurling rocks as hard as he could at thin air for no reason, and he just wasn’t smart enough to didn't realize someone could get hurt from that. Mistakes can be forgiven. Even blatantly stupid ones.

But here’s the part that I want you to understand, mother-to-mother: If LP even so much as looks cross-eyed a El again, I will submit the official Bully Report Form to ensure a formal investigation occurs and is documented in LP's student file. LP may have survived the fallout from his shenanigans so far. But he has awakened Mama Bear this time. Mama Bear has the appropriate paperwork to bring LP to justice if necessary. And she is not afraid to use it. ﻿