Traditional Anniversary Gifts Can Suck It. Here's What You Should Really Get.

Congratulations. You've been married for more than one year! That means you get to start celebrating your success at staying married or failure at divorcing once a year every year! The Internet says that there are traditional anniversary gifts for each year of marriage. But the traditional list of anniversary gifts is bullshit. In order to prove my point, I offer you the Internet's answer for the traditional anniversary gift, followed by the actual perfect anniversary gift for each year. Begin:

First AnniversaryInternet says: Paper. Give your spouse something, anything made of paper. That's so fucking broad, it's no help at all. There are so many ways you could go wrong with this, and it's the first anniversary, which is a very important anniversary for married-gift-standard-setting. "Here, darling! It's two-ply. The Internet told me this is what you were supposed to get." "Hey babe! I got you divorce papers! Because paper!"

Instead: The next size up in jeans and other butt-coverings. Because you're happy married-fat now! Hooray ass!

Fourth AnniversaryInternet says: Fruit/flowers. Basically, the Internet is telling you to get an Edible Arrangement for your spouse. DO NOT DO. Either you're giving gifts for your anniversaries, or you're not giving gifts -- there is no Edible Arrangements option. Edible Arrangements say, "Hey! Flowers are too pretty for you! I'd rather give you the same thing I sent my aunt when she was recovering from hip surgery! You're gonna shit pineapple for eight days straight! Can you believe you chose me as a life partner?"

Instead: A couch that is longer than either of you are tall. Not for screwing -- for comfortable napping. Comfortable naps are the key to a long-lasting marriage.

Eighth AnniversaryInternet says: Pottery. Pottery? Really, The Internet? After eight fucking years with this person, you get some pottery? Those two dudes in Ghost got pottery before they were even married. This is some serious bullshit.

Instead: A freaking break. Maybe it's a smoker. Maybe it's a boat. Maybe it's a lock on the bathroom door (No parent has had a quiet, uninterrupted shit that wasn't at work since pre-parenthood. Sometimes, it's the little things). Whatever it is, it's a get-away-from-the-family-you-love-for-a-few-hours item. At this point, whether you have kids or not, your spouse needs some solid alone time so that you get to stay married forever.

Thirteenth Anniversary
Internet says: Furs. Actually, this is baller. Fake fur, of course. Pimp coats for all. You'll stay married forever. Bonus Points: Add handles of booze to drink from while you married-pimp.

Thirtieth Anniversary
Internet says: Pearls. I haven't been married for 30 years, but I'm gonna go ahead and say that at the three-decades-of-marriedness mark, pearls are pretty lame.

Instead: A fucking parade, during which everyone you know high-fives you and hugs you and you dance through the streets yelling, "Hell yeah, I stayed married!"

Good luck out there, marrieds. Stop buying each other bullshit gifts, and this staying-married thing could get a lot easier.