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Hi all,My story is a bit long so I will try to cut it as short as I can! Let's start with the fact that my long term fiancé has been recently diagnosed with HIV (November last year).We have been together for 11 years & and have 2 children together.I don't know when/how he caught it - if it was before or since we have been together - but that doesn't matter, because sits in the past and I can't change it!It was a very difficult time for me when he was diagnosed & it has taken until now for me to be able to feel ready to come and ask for some advice and support.From the start he has been very very secretive and in fact lied to me about he diagnosis - his reasoning was that he was trying to protect me - he didn't seem to have any thought or feeling of the fact that I could be infected too, as well as our children and that I needed to be tested.COnsequently I actually found out by a little bit of detective work (looking up symptoms), checking which clinics were on the days he had appointment etc.He only actually told me the truth when I asked him straight out if he had HIV and he coulnt deny it anymore, he knew that I knew. I very quickly got myself tested and was negative, which obviously left me in a very difficult position - on the one hand I still loved him, on the other hand I didn't know how we could carry on - really more to do with the lying/trust issues surrounding the diagnosis - he had hurt me by not telling the truth from the beginning.After ALOT of talking and lots of tears & arguments we both agreed that we still wanted to be together & that would be best for the children as well.The last 6-8 months have been incredibly difficult for me & have been a steep learning curve, but I think I am starting to come through the other side now & feel ready for some advice on how best to support him.He is still very secretive about the whole thing and finds it very hard to talk to me about it - I have not been to appointments with him, but hope that in the future he might want me too, which I think will help him & me.He is on medication & and says that the docs say he is doing well - but I have no idea about his cd4/viral load.I really wanted some general advice in how best I should support him now - should I try talking more or leave it until he is ready and wants my support? (I know that everyone is different so this is a hard one to answer), was just wondering what your personal opions were & what if anything helped you when you were first diagnosed.My other dilemma is that I really want another baby - and emotionally I feel like that opportunity has been taken away from me - I have read about sperm washing procedures - but not sure how I would feel about something like that really - does anyone else have any experience/knowledge of this?Does anyone know of any other safe ways of me getting pregnant?Any help or advice would be very greatly appreciated, & thanks for reading.E x

While you don't need to worry about posting a "long story", it would help us greatly if you put more space between your paragraphs, like....

...this. When there are no space breaks in text on the internet, it can be very hard on the eyes and difficult to read. Otherwise, write (and vent) as much as you like.

A lot of men can be very secretive about their health. I can't say for sure why this is, although I suspect it has to do with them not wanting to appear weak. You know what men can be like regarding their masculinity!

It's good to hear that you have remained negative. You may be one of those lucky people who possesses a certain gene that make them pretty much immune to hiv infection. However, now that you know his status, you should be using condoms.

Which brings up the idea of having another baby. It is possible for you to conceive again without expensive sperm-washing. When he has had an undetectable viral load for at least six months, and neither of you have any STIs, then it is possible to conceive the "old-fashioned" way. There have been several threads here over the years which discuss this in-depth, but unfortunately I don't have access to my bookmarks for those at the minute. (For some reason my Google toolbar disappeared overnight and I haven't investigated how to get it back yet.)

While I cannot tell you what to do, I can tell you what I think I'd do if I were in your shoes. I would insist on going to an appointment with him. I would tell him that if this were going to work, I would have to be involved at least to the point of being reassured by his doctor about the state of his health.

Would he be open to attending couples counselling with you? Relate is a very good outfit in this regard. Have you heard of them? They have offices in most places in the UK. Look them up in your local phone book or on the internet. They even have offices in the Isle of Man (where I live) so there's bound to be one near you. You could also go on your own, if he won't go with you.

I'll try to get my Google tool-bar back and when I do, I'll post links to some of the threads discussing conception between a poz man and a neg woman. There have been many couples world-wide who have had hiv negative babies without the woman (or child) becoming poz without sperm-washing. You can too.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Thank you both very much for the replies & the links, which I am in the process of reading through!

(sorry about the lack of paragraphs in my original post - I should know better as I am a regular forum user on various different sites!)

Ann, I am not sure that he would be ready/willing to go to counselling- and to be honest not really sure if I would either - I have always been a very strong person & have my own ways of dealing things.

His status is not the problem in our relationship & in fact on the whole there is not a lot wrong with our relationship - I am getting over the fact that he lied to me and I know that with time that will get easier to cope with - I guess I have no idea what he was going through at that particular time and it was his was of dealing with things.

I will speak to him about me going to an appointment with him as I really feel it would be helpful for us as well as necessary if we are thinking about having a baby - which reminds, that yes we are using condoms religiously, I wouldn't have it any other way!

How I reamined negative after being with him for 11 years I will never know - we had unprotected sex probably thousands of times - like you say I was lucky.

I Am very glad that I have found this forum & I really thank you for your support, I think I will be here a lot because this is such a hard subject to talk friends/family about - in fact very few people know about his status yet (his choice), which I respect - but doesn't give me many people to talk to & and I know that people here will understand & be suportive.

Seems to me there are two good reasons for him to let you know more about how his body is dealing with hiv.

1) Because you are his long term partmer, and mother of his children. Oh, and you are having sex I guess! You just have a right to know, if you want to know. Its a pretty big deal, like other things in a relationship - needs negotiation so both can be content. If he can't give you that much -- information -- then I would ask for an explanation why not, and offer some therapy and some time limits. You don't have to blackmail him with ultimatums but maybe secretly you should start the program to get the info about his health - from him - that you want and if finally you never are going to get it. Get out of the relation. He already burned you once with lies. ("Fool me twice, shame of me" I believe it is the expression.")

2) If you are going to have another kid then also all his health information needs be on the table and you all got to get a medically approved plan to do it safely.

Best of luck!

« Last Edit: July 29, 2011, 05:55:05 PM by mecch »

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Yes, my partner does want another baby - it is something that we had talked about, even before his diagnosis - so this is not a decision taken lightly.

I don't think it is that he can't give me the information about his health, I truly believe he is just not ready to talk about it yet - I am sure that in time, and with support from his docs he will be able to.

I don't want to be too pushy about it until he is ready but I do understand that there should be some time limits - but I also feel that he will open when he is ready to.

Yes he has lied to me once, but he does regret it & he is deeply sorry for what he did, he just did not know how to handle the situation - that is something that we have talked about a lot & so far have been able to work through it.

I do not want the relationship to end - I still love him as much as I always did - the fact that he is HIV+ makes no difference to that & never will.

Thank you for your advice and I will be mindful of the fact that I NEED to know about the state of his health & that I should try to find out more sooner rather than later.

Hi all,I recently posted in 'someone I care about' in relation to my partner who is positive.

We always use condoms for intercourse since his diagnosis back in November - but last night we had a slight mis-hap with the condom.

Basically after vaginal intercourse it slipped off and was left inside me - after digging about I pulled it out and inspected it and i am about 85% sure that the semen was contained.

Obviously I cannot be 100% certain and I am slightly worried about this risk and wanted to know if anyone thinks I should seek pep?

Just a bit more background on my partner: He was diagnosed in November 2010 with a cd4 count of 114 (don't know about viral load as he can't remember & didn't tell me at the time)He started on Atripla in November.His last bloods showed cd4 of 1000+ (again he doesn't know the exact number & doesn't know what his viral load was, although he does think it was a low number - but he doesn't think it was undetectable)

I know I have had a small risk, but is it enough for taking pep? Especially if he has a low viral load? I have read how pep can have some nasty side effects and would like to avoid it if possible, but obviously will take it if necessary.

Doodle, I've moved your latest thread over to this section as it is in part at least a continuation of your previous concerns.

In the future please keep your entries in this same thread. Thanks for your cooperation with our rule.

As for this latest concern, I think you are most likely right that the condom contained his sperm after it stayed in when he pulled out. It's a not uncommon kind of event. In the future when pulling out it would be a good idea for him to hold on to the condom at the end of his penis as he withdraws. Or you can hold on to it.

Personally I wouldn't consider what happened to have been the kind of accident that warrants doing PEP, but that is a decision you will have to make for yourself.

It's also concerning that the sharing of information between you two seems to be spotty. It might be good for you two to have a meeting together with his doctor. That would allow you to ask any questions you may have such as about his viral load, CD4 count, etc. You may have other questions which would if answered properly put your mind at ease and draw you two closer together.

Whether you do PEP or not I do think you ought to get tested at 13 weeks just to confirm your negative status. It's not something to be left wondering about.

You can test initially at 6 weeks. A negative at 6 weeks is unlikely to turn positive at 3 months.

Thanks Andy.Sorry that i posted in a new thread - i head read the rules about posting in the same one, but assumed as this was more about me it would warrant a new thread sorry

We do normally do as you say hold onto the condom, but in this instance it had already kind of disappeared and i couldn't get hold hold of it until after he had removed his penis.

I do understand what you are saying about our communication & we are trying to deal with this - he has agreed for me to go to his next appointment with him which is a massive step in the right direction & i am pleased about that - things are looking up!

His main problem is nt understanding what the docs say & not taking it all in & i think i can help him with that.

I think i will get him to phone his doc tomorrow to see what they say abut pep.

Going to doctor appointments together will help you both understand what is going on and I suggest you start a list of questions to ask the doctor, say in a notebook. You can take that notebook to the doctor with you and write down anything he says, so you don't have to worry about remembering all the numbers. It takes a lot of pressure out of doctor visits, because you have it all written down to reference later.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

This thread makes me feel good on so many levels. Doodle, I am very happy for you, and congratulations on the pregnancy. If there were more understanding people like yourself the world would be a better place. I also have to include Ann and the others who advised and supported Doodle during this trying episode in her life.

This thread makes me feel good on so many levels. Doodle, I am very happy for you, and congratulations on the pregnancy. If there were more understanding people like yourself the world would be a better place. I also have to include Ann and the others who advised and supported Doodle during this trying episode in her life.

Wow, excuse me, I'm just all warm and fuzzy inside....

Awwwww, I am glad my thread has made you feel good.

I hope that others will also get strength from it in the future.

Everything has turned out just perfect for us in the end, we are so happy together and extremely excited to be having another baby.

A year ago I was in a mess and thought that this would never happen, but anything is possible if you put your mind to it.

I was willing to take that 0.01% risk because I love my partner & had faith that whatever the outcome we would be able to be strong and support each other together.

Thank you to everyone who has replied to this thread, both with advice initially & now with messages of congratulations.

I'm really happy to hear that you got over the initial problems that your partner's diagnosis brought to your relationship. True love will win out every time and it sounds like that's what you've got; True Love. Sweet!

Wishing you and your growing family all the best for a long and happy life. Cheers!

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I didn't realize, until the end, that your original post was over a year ago. I can relate on so many levels, even now. Congrats on a new baby!

I agree with what Mecch & Ann said & I hope he has opened up abit and has allowed you more information with where he's at in this. I, personally, would absolutely insist on it, but when my husband isn't forthcoming (because he absolutely hates talking about it), he's given his doctors the okay to talk with me...so I go straight to the information source.

Hi, I know this is a very very old thread, just popping back with a recent update & some opinions please.

We now have a very beautiful 18 month old daughter!!

But, to go along with the joy of having her has also been a lot of struggles & heartache.

When our daughter was 6 months old my parents somehow found out about my partners status (we still have no clue how, as we had been very very careful to keep it a secret from them) - the reason we decided to keep it from them is because we knew how bad their reaction would be, and we were right - it was the worst possible reaction.

They were completely unreasonable, went absolutely mad and haven't spoken to my partner since (over a year now)

Up until they found out my partner's status he had been working for them & obviously isn't anymore - they made sure that he didn't have a job & were very careful to ensure that they would not get in trouble for making him unemployed.

I had also been working for them, but decided to leave when my maternity leave ended as it was all too difficult.

My mum has been awful - she has been totally horrible & we had major discussions in which she stated that she hates him & always has done. (And that it has nothing to with his status, just him & some things he's done in the past)

I have basically not had a lot to do with since this happened, although I make sure the children still see them.

It is awful that I have been made to choose between my partner & my family - I wanted to be able to maintain a relationship with both my parents & my partner, but that is proving to be impossible. ( as they will not see, or speak to him)

My mum would be happy to see me leave my partner & leave her 4 grandchildren without their dad, which I think is really selfish of her.

It is an awful situation to be in & I feel like I have been made to choose between my partner (and the kids having their dad) & my family.

I feel better about the situation than I did a year ago, I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot have a relationship with my partner & my parents.

I know this is their problem, but I can't help feeling bad.

My next dilemma is Christmas - last year I visited them with the children in the morning, while my partner stayed home & cooked dinner.

This year we have been invited to stay with friends about 40 miles away for the whole of Christmas so it would not be practical to visit my parents on Christmas Day, without spending a few hours travelling, which I don't want to do.

Part of me really wants to go away & really enjoy Christmas with my partner & kids & the other part of me feels that my parents should see their grandchildren on Christmas Day (they have no other grandchildren), I don't know what to do!

I also think that if we go away it will blow up another augment with them, which to be honest I don't want. (The situation is made a whole lot worse by the fact that they own the house we live in & even though they have let us stay, I don't know if causing an argument could mean they ask us/just my partner to leave)

Sorry, that's a really really long post & is pretty meaningless, I just needed to rant as I've kept all of this rubbish in for over year, dealing with it by myself (only have my partner & a few close friends to talk to).

My mum has been awful - she has been totally horrible & we had major discussions in which she stated that she hates him & always has done. (And that it has nothing to with his status, just him & some things he's done in the past)

I have basically not had a lot to do with since this happened, although I make sure the children still see them.

That is generous and kind of you, not only for your children, but also for your parent. Your kindness is at your will, they don't deserve it or have a right to it, considering their atrocious behaviour.

It is awful that I have been made to choose between my partner & my family - I wanted to be able to maintain a relationship with both my parents & my partner, but that is proving to be impossible. ( as they will not see, or speak to him)

My mum would be happy to see me leave my partner & leave her 4 grandchildren without their dad, which I think is really selfish of her.

It is an awful situation to be in & I feel like I have been made to choose between my partner (and the kids having their dad) & my family.

Well, your parents can't make you choose, although they want to try. It doesn't sound like you have chosen. Sound like you are doing superhuman work to keep including your parents in your and their grandchildren's lives. Above and beyond the call of duty.

Yes, your mom is selfish and HATEFUL. Its deplorable.

But I'm wondering if there is some doubt. You are still using the present tense, as if you are still considering giving up your husband. I hope not. Why would you EVER consider that? How hideous. NEVER ever feed such bad energy, never reward. You have taken the higher ground. I wouldn't necessarily be so grand of spirit, and I admire you a lot. Its noble.

I feel better about the situation than I did a year ago, I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot have a relationship with my partner & my parents.

I know this is their problem, but I can't help feeling bad.

My next dilemma is Christmas - last year I visited them with the children in the morning, while my partner stayed home & cooked dinner.

This year we have been invited to stay with friends about 40 miles away for the whole of Christmas so it would not be practical to visit my parents on Christmas Day, without spending a few hours travelling, which I don't want to do.

Part of me really wants to go away & really enjoy Christmas with my partner & kids & the other part of me feels that my parents should see their grandchildren on Christmas Day (they have no other grandchildren), I don't know what to do!

I also think that if we go away it will blow up another augment with them, which to be honest I don't want. (The situation is made a whole lot worse by the fact that they own the house we live in & even though they have let us stay, I don't know if causing an argument could mean they ask us/just my partner to leave)

Sorry, that's a really really long post & is pretty meaningless, I just needed to rant as I've kept all of this rubbish in for over year, dealing with it by myself (only have my partner & a few close friends to talk to).

Thanks for reading, opinions & advice welcome!!

Thank you

Doodle x

Doodle x - if you want the view from here, I think you should spend xmas with your husband and family and the friends you like, love and respect. You must NOT reward your parents for their hate. For xmas, holiday of love, they can be with friends or family who tolerate such nonsense. What kind of Christmas do they want? Ick. Stay away, and keep your children away from them because its a bad example for a holiday as special as xmas..

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

As far as the financial blackmail, I am not gonna be pollyanna and encourage you to stop playing along. But please recognise you are being blackmailed and that is one of the very lowest things one human can do to others...

If you feel you have to "play along" and placate them or be homeless, make sure you really are just playing along AND that you and your husband are figuring out a way to leave that frigging house and escape the blackmail.

I personally feel your parents behaviour has the potential to eat your soul and destroy your marriage and the sooner you can escape ALL bonds that tie them to you, you will have more power to dictate ALL terms of their contact with you and their grandchildren.

Shame shame and double shame on them.

Courage to you.

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Thank you for your replies - it's so nice to have some support & someone who talks sense!!

Husband/partner - makes no difference what you call him - same thing in my opinion, just we don't have a piece of paper to prove it!!

Firstly - no, there is no doubt, I KNOW i have done the right thing for both me & my children & me not staying with my partner was never really an option - it was my feelings for my parents (whatever they have done, and however they have treated us) that made me feel like I should leave for them - just a slight niggling in my mind that I should be loyal to them - stupid, I know!

Secondly, I am so aware that our situation with the house is far from ideal - I would love nothing more than to be able to get away as fast as I can, however, that said we are not in a financial position to so at the moment.

Obviously when this all happened, my partner became unemployed & I was still on maternity leave. It didn't take him long to find another job, but we are still getting back on our feet.

It costs loads to move to privately rented accomadation and add the fact that we have no references and no one to act as a guarantor (given the situation with my parents).

At the moment I am trying to find a job and my partner is hoping to become self employed in the next few months, so hopefully this will help to get us on the right track.

I think I am too much of a nice person & all I want is to make everyone happy, but I know that my mum is never going to come to terms with this, she's very bitter and always will be. (This hurts me more, because she is Ill with COPD & probably doesn't have a whole lot longer left)

I would love to go into more detail about the things that she has said & done, but it would take me all day - this really is a basic summery & her hate has gone so much further, even if I know it's not hate for me, just my partner (but I guess hate for him is hate for me in a round about way!)

Christmas - I will be enjoying this year, away & with people who accept us for who we are - we call them our second family so I suppose we should be with them & not the ones that would make us miserable!

Thank you so much for your advice & support, it is very appreciated & you have made me feel even better about the situation and confirmed that it is my mum in the wrong & not me.