Friday, 8 April 2016

it gets worse

I used to do things in the hopes of some day catching the attention of a few specific people. I've wanted to follow others. I wanted a cause. A flag to hoist into battle, or at least heated conversations in a forum. I knew I would never be King of anything. I have no authority over my own life. But assisting others is a noble endeavour, I think.

Now that most of the people I looked up to are dead or turned into complete douchebags, I'm really not sure what to do with myself. Masterless, directionless. Religion didn't work. Humanism didn't pan out. Even the artificial pop trash I once looked to for distraction have left me behind. I am useless and adrift, like the world's shittiest ronin.

Even if I were right about everything, even if I had what it takes to make this world a little better, nobody wants solutions from me. Nobody needs or wants me. So I can't even take this as a sign that I should be leading instead of following, because you can't sell what you can't even give away.

I want to care. I want to help. I want to look forward to anything. I want to be given a chance by the people I think should give me a chance, and not just out of pity or charity. I want to prove that I deserve to be here. I want to feel like I'm actually doing something with some positive results, that is actually noticed and appreciated.

That will never, ever happen. Nothing I do has any affect on any person. I'm a fuckin' ghost. Except when it comes time for people to tell me I'm wrong and an idiot.

I turn 29 this month. 29 years of this poison. Fucking hell. When does it STOP?