Friday, June 29, 2007

Link Haze, 6/29/07.

(Until Labor Day, one of my Friday posts will be a link dump. You got something interesting (ad related), email me: copyranter(at)hotmail(dot)com)• 17,000 miles later, 29,000 yellow rubber duckies—now faded to white—will be washing up on English beaches this Summer (link).• Next week, smiling two-story asses will be sagging over Times Square (link).• If you've never seen this David Blaine spoof, it is fucking hilarious (link).• Finally, proof that beer is the drink of the Gods (link).

(click images to read copy)Heatherette, aka former Club Kids fashion duo Travis Rains and Richie Rich, designed this "statue" of a running shoe (hard to tell from the pic, but it is several feet long) as part of the "Sneakers and the City" celebrity art exhibit in support of the Blue Planet Run Foundation (blueplanetrun.org), which is sponsored by that famously humanitarian company, Dow Chemical (got all that?).Seems a great cause. Go to the site, donate money, etc. But now, back to that big shoe. Eh, it's fucking hideous? Would somebody please explain to me and my son of Appalachian Trail hillbillies aesthetic how this...thing is considered fashion, let alone art? Despite my roots, I think I have a good design sense, thanks to obsessing over ad visuals for 15+ years. Am I that hopelessly out of touch?(snapped near Columbus Circle)previously in art?:1. art appreciation with copyranter thread.2. "ee" Sobieski's 9/11 opus.3. the 4,600 pound rubberband ball.4. the retarded rolling grass thing.5. The Horshack Rorschach.6. copyranter's new logo.

Either they raise $50,000, or she aborts the baby.

(tip from jen nyc) Yep. That's the gist of it."It comes down to this. If we can't raise the $50,000 in the next 3 months, we'll have to choose abortion."So far, this anonymous couple has received $12,500. There're 80 days left."Please don't mis-understand (sic), it's not that we _want_ to abort the baby. Although neither of us is particularly pro-life, we don't want to have to have an abortion."We've crunched some numbers, and we believe that, to really set ourselves up in a good environemnt (sic) for the baby, we need $50,000. That'll give us the down payment on a decent house, get us a car that runs reliably, allow us to save away a little for the baby's college fund, cover any medical bills (she's uninsured), and give us a little buffer while she's not working..."It seems so earnestly real, I'm inclined to think it's hoax. What do you think?helpmybabylive.comupdate: if you click on "make a donation," you land on a paypal page with the message: "The recipient is currently unable to receive money."*UPDATE*: site is a scam. Gawker's got the info.previously in humans are fucked up:1. I hate kids.2. I also hate parents.3. It's your regular Friday Shriners update.4. The bacon wristband winners...related on Gawker: The Watchtower pamphlet—a review.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

So, Perrier is full of radioactive isotopes?

(click image for closer look)Currently, the Broadway/Lafayette subway station is awash with new executions of the new-ish Perrier: Shittier campaign. Sure, the artwork makes for very attention-grabbing posters. But once grabbed, my mind fails to comprehend what exactly the strategy of this wonderfully art directed shit is. First, you seemed to be trying to tell me that drinking Perrier is "edgy." Then, that it's macho to be seen quaffing your bubbly French water. And now, it's "Heavier"—the perfect water for aging fans of Bachman-Turner Overdrive to wash their quaaludes down with. (I do appreciate the name of the band on the standing guy's t-shirt, "Fungal.").previously in bottled water:1. That's the ugliest cumulus cloud I've ever seen.2. Fred Water: Anthropomorphism to the power of Retarded.3. 50's packin'. Nutrients.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Lies Well Disguised, #38.

Today on Gawker, I briefly wrote about the winning print campaign—which I don't hate!—from last week's Cannes ad festival (link). For previous Lies Well Disguised columns, just type those three words up in my search window.

What, no sharks or leeches?

(click ads to read copy)What The Fuck is up with all the law firms using goofy animal symbolism? Dykema thinks it's a giraffe amongst zebras. Zuckerman Spaeder says I'm a canary threatened by a lion. And Bingham McCutchen (above) was, first, a lion-chasing zebra (where does the Dykema giraffe fit into this equation?) and now, a baby-coddling grizzly bear. Hey, if any of you crows want to see an idea using puffins, drop me a line.(all ads scanned from the Wall Street Journal, the bear ad from yesterday's edition)

Monday, June 25, 2007

Flossing Gets Rid Of Plaque, Rent.

(click ad to read copy)WHAT?Scenario: Client wants to do a "New York" ad for its dental floss. Agency scratches head/ass/balls/cooter, wondering What The Fuck dental floss has to do with the City of New York but, with a now perfected fake steadfast smile, promises to return with said ad. Agency returns to Client with above ad that makes zero sense, but has very pretty art direction. Client scratches head/ass/balls/cooter, but doesn't want to appear like he/she doesn't "get" the ad, and risk looking "uncool." Client approves ad to run in yesterday's New York Times Magazine. New York man, who puzzlingly scours newspapers and magazines for idiotic ads as a "hobby," spies ad and scratches head/ass/balls. Scans ad. Writes post.UPDATE!!!—this idea was also made into a big installation, put up along the Hudson River. Go look. (link).UPDATE #2!!!—campaign won a Gold Lion—proving my point yet again that this business—at every level—is filled with dumbasses who haven't a clue what they're doing—just as long as it looks nice.previously in WTF?:1. Your ad's so confusing, it makes Bush's policies look lucid.2. Strange Ad Image Of The Week.3. CANTMISSABLE!4. Taste a Cumulus(?).5. The Power of Platinum.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

On lazy-ass copywriting.

Heineken Light, from what I've read, has been a huge success for the Dutch brewery. Which makes it an ideal case study for supporting the argument (well, mine) that good advertising is not needed to successfully launch a product.OK. To the ads. SeduceYour Palate? Other ads in the campaign are headlined "Temptation Has A Taste" and "Succumb To Smooth." So, is a low-rent romance novelist daylighting as a copywriter here? This pap just might be the worst beer advertising in the history of hops and barley. Yet, it has worked—or at least, not gotten in the way. It makes one (well, me) consider that a big product shot and big logo, combined with "New" as a headline, is all the "creativity" that's ever really needed in advertising.(poster on Crosby between Prince & Spring)previously in skunky beer ads:1. When beer ads tried harder to suck.2. Bud Select. Expect Everything?3. U.S. soccer ads as creative as U.S. soccer team.4. "Darker. No, make him DARKER."

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Lies Well Disguised, #37.

Today on Gawker, I took a look at the new Virgin Mobile "You Rule" campaign that's infested many NYC neighborhoods. It's pissed off more than a few of the locals. Me? Nah. I just think it sucks. (link). For previous Lies Well Disguised columns, just type those three words up in my search window.(click ads to read smug copy)(Park Slope ad sent by Bucky at AnimalNewYork who better be restarting his excellent site soon.)

Monday, June 18, 2007

Coming in 2012: The Target® Freedom Tower.

(click photo for closer look)If God's gonna scorch Earth, Times Square is probably where he/she is gonna start; the disgusting glut of billboards is soul sapping. Speaking of deities (Allah) and souls (suicidal terrorists [I mean, suicide bombers]), does this particular Target board strike (heh, strike) anyone else as a bit too inviting? Maybe it's because I'm one of the many here who witnessed the second plane slamming into the South Tower (For six months after, I had dreams where planes crashed into my childhood home, my high school, my grandparents' house, my dog's house, etc. Fun!). Then again, maybe it's because, after too many years in the ad biz, I always look for the visual in everything. Or maybe, these days, putting a red sign that says "TARGET" 2/3rds of the way up a Manhattan high-rise tower isn't a very smart move.previously in midtown sightings:1. President Clinton has never looked handsomer.2. Times Square billboard juxtaposition.3. The Great Wall of New York.related: The "Target" bus.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Link Haze, 6/15/07.

(Until Labor Day, one of my Friday posts will be a link dump. You got something interesting (ad related), email me: copyranter(at)hotmail(dot)com)• A cyber stripper site had a field near Gatwick airport in England painted with this 100,000 sq. ft. pole dancer (link). •OneMilwaukee.org thinks the sight of a pregnant teenage girl should be as disturbing as this pregnant teenage sk8er boy. They are hopelessly Utopian (link). • mini art appreciation with copyranter—a Gloucestershire "artist" uses road kill to make, uh, mixed medium works. He also says badger tastes like pork. (link). •Carlsberg beer, via Saatchi, scattered money around London streets with their stickers on it. (link).• A turtle walks up to an alligator...finish the joke (link).

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

My 702th post! (not counting the scores I've mysteriously deleted)

My 2nd anniversary as a bitter ad blogger is coming up in a couple of weeks. Two years doing this shit! Ain't that pathetic!?! But hey, I've gotten a low-paying Gawker gig out of it, and possibly something else a bit more substantial (stay tuned). In the meantime, If you've got any feedback for future direction/posts, comment here. I will even post every single "go fuck yourself, douchebag."(pictured—"The Anguisher"—what I use as my computer desktop at work. pretty much sums up what it's like to work in the ad biz.)sheepish update: as an anon points out, it should read "702nd" not" 702th"previously in blogging is pathetic:1. flushing the crankcase.2. Nemo the goldfish.3. "Live" "blogging" "from" Cannes.4. My "live blog" of the Super Bowl ads.

Strawberry Frog's "tee-shirt test."

(click ad to read copy)Cutesy-named ad agency StrawberryFrog, "your friendly neighborhood global advertising agency" (jesus christ, what fucking pabulum), recently placed this self-promotional ad in Fortune and Business 2.0. This is their message to advertisers: "Your only chance in this kind of culture? Pass the tee shirt test." Their evidence? Their own tee shirts—which, as you can see, feature a frog wearing what looks to be an old Soviet red army beret—are so popular, they can't keep them in stock.Wow! OK! Here's my $100 million dollar budget! Brand me!A close reading of their website reveals that the "frogs" (this is seriously what they call each other) say nothing of substance, and nothing different than any other ad agency. We're "award-winning." We're "full-service." We're "nimble!" Not a "dinosaur!" We spark CULTURAL MOVEMENTS (caps theirs)—"a better sequence for planning communications." (which means...what?)But, if you're willing to change your company name to Purple Lizard or Orange Toad, they'll design a logo and put it on tee shirts for you.previously in ad agencies are stupid:1. The Gate leads, um, nowhere...2. Y&R thanks me for screwing you.3. ANDYs promoted with anilingus.4. ...the difference being his salary is about 6 bucks per second.5. McCann, I believe that should be: Lies Well Disguised.related on Gawker: BBDO: Neither 'B' stands for "Bloated."

Thanks to Hurricane Katrina, we now have a new nickname for Crystal Meth.

(snapped on W. 3rd near Mercer. click pic to read copy. ignore the black band sticker or whatever the fuck it is.)
New Orleans, you weren't destroyed in vain. Here's a couple more bitchin' nicknames to put in your useless ads: Crystal Gale (keeping with the wind theme); Killy Crystal; Tina Burner, etc. Note the 12 logos at the bottom of the poster. Makes it hard to pinpoint the blame for this thing.

Racks of Booze.

(click Salmas for closer look)Previously (left), I was left scratching my head wondering if Campariwas really simply using Salma Hayek's big tits and only Salma Hayek's big tits to sell their yucky liqueur. I visited the "Hotel Campari" website in search of a movie tie-in or hotel story line to go with the print ads, and found nothing but a passionless short video and some stills. Now (right), a second print ad from the campaign—found in yesterday's New York Times magazine—puts Salma Hayek's big tits even front-er and center-er. Note the ridiculously obvious bottle-as-erect-penis positioning. Also notice that the lemon twist is the same shape as the cleavage created by Salma Hayek's big tits. Notice that the ice cube has been retouched to match Hayek's bracelet. Also, the ice cube probably represents one of the man's testicles.previously in liquor ads:1. What's on your headstone, Tommy?2. The drunken conversation is waiting.3. Worst. Anthropomorphism. Ever.4. Captain Morgan Tattoo?

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

BREAKING: writer endorses alcohol.

(click ad to read copy)Chuck Palahniuk (pronounced...I don't fucking know), author of Fight Club and seven other novels, is a manly masculine (and gay, according to wikipedia) writer. He lived on a fucking cattle ranch, worked as a fucking diesel mechanic, and wrote fucking manuals on fixing fucking trucks. So of course he drinks fucking Scotch. Copy reads: "Although he hasn't slowed down for a decade, Palahniuk...nonetheless finds time to enjoy a good scotch on Friday night." Fucking-A, Chuck P. Even though I'm a fucking bourbon man myself, I would gladly do a fucking advertorial for Wild fucking Turkey 101. I think more writers should follow Palahniuk's lead and endorse their favorite fucking poison—you know, before it fucking kills them.
(scanned from this week's New Yorker)UPDATE!—there's a heated debate going on in the comments over the pronunciation of Chuck's last name.previously in alcohol:
1. The best tagline in the history of alcoholism.
2. Greenland coldcocks American beers.
3. Excuse Me While I Puke And Die.
4. Buzzed Driving Is Drunk Driving?

Lies Well Disguised, #35.

Do you want my job? Yesterday on Gawker, I wrote a semi-serious, bullet-pointed plan on how to get your foot in the door of this unbelievably stupid business (link). Please note that the last three bullets of the piece were written by somebody at Gawker because, I guess, he/she thought doing so made for a better ending. For previous Lies Well Disguised, just type those three words up in my search window.

OK teaser ad becomes excellent teaser ad thanks to media placement.

(click ad for closer look.)Often, the oh-so-precious weddings double-page spread in the Sunday New York Times is ad-free, so's the paper can cram in as many Important Couples as possible. But yesterday, my mocking eyes were met by the above teaser ad for the HBO show Big Love (returns June 11th). Probably done by my buddies at BBDO. But you guys pussied out with the website (Or you're just lazy. Or the client insisted.). You should have created a different, semi-blind landing page, something like—"For a list of retailers near you visit hbo.com/retailers" You would have gotten more click-throughs.UPDATE!—an anon commenter says this was done by Creature in Seattle.previously in stuff I didn't completely hate:1. YKK trade ad.2. Iggy Pop for John Varvatos.3. caffeinated cheerleader for T-Mobile.4. Peter Stormare for VW.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Lies Well Disguised, #34.

Attention Vampires! Marketing MBA eggheads keep wiring up consumers in efforts to discover the fail-safe TV commercial formula. Are they getting any closer? What the hell are Attention Vampires? It's all explained in this week's Gawker column (link). For previous Lies Well Disguised columns, just type those three words up in my search window.