I wish I had time and energy to write you all back individually and thank you for your thoughts and prayers. This has definitely been a trying time in my life, and I am not quite out of the woods yet. The doctors think they have removed all potentially cancerous cells, but it is too soon to know with certainty. The drugs they have me on leave me feeling tired all the time, but I wanted to muster up enough strength to check in with my favorite website.

One of the nice things about being bedridden is that you get to spend a lot of time watching horrible things on television. Recently, I was able to watch the Adult Video Awards. This is a hysterical piece of lunacy that I highly recommend to anyone who can appreciate ho bags tearing up and thanking Jesus that they won the Best Double Anal Penetration honors.

However, the highlight for me was hearing the names of all the porn parodies from the last year. I think this would be the perfect job for me: to come up with names for porn based on real movies. I'm sure you've all heard the classics like Romancing the Bone (Romancing the Stone) and Vaginatown (Chinatown). The most clever title I have ever seen is Glad He Ate Her (Gladiator). But I'd like to see if we can do even better. So, in lieu of flowers, please send me a good chuckle to make me feel better. If the source of your porn parody isn't obvious, be sure to put the real film name in parentheses afterwards.