Well now HERE's something wacky: even though white folks in America are losing the baby-having contest, our numbers just keep rising on the latest census. Why? Because we run that shit. But also: everyone wants to be white!

The shift is due to recent census changes that emphasize "Hispanic" as an ethnicity, not a race. While the U.S. government first made this distinction in 1980, many Latinos continued to use the "some other race" box to establish a Hispanic identity. In a switch, the 2010 census forms specifically instructed Latinos that Hispanic origins are not races and to select a recognized category such as white or black.

We drew up the census in such a way that "Hispanic" people were almost forced to join the dark side—or should I say The White Side? High five, white devils! All of your casas are belong to us (the whites)! And let's be honest here: I'm sure it's nice to have a rich heritage in your own culture and everything, but being white does have its benefits around here:

Hispanic students have started vanishing from Alabama public schools in the wake of a court ruling that upheld the state's tough new law cracking down on illegal immigration.

Education officials say scores of immigrant families have withdrawn their children from classes or kept them home this week, afraid that sending the kids to school would draw attention from authorities.

Here, declare yourself to be "white"—you really don't have a choice! Still have doubts? Well we'll just take away your children, then! Oh, now you want to be white? I bet!