Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I went to urgent care this morning :( I have had pain in my chest for the last couple weeks (ever since my nasty cold/flu bug the first of November) and this morning it was so bad I had trouble getting up and I slept horrible...

By the way - if you ever want some entertainment...go in to a medical clinic and say you are having chestpain...that gets everyone jumping pretty quick. Once they came to the conclusion (that I had already) that it WASN'T a heart attack, they looked at other causes. I even got to have an EKG...which is not nearly as exciting as it is portrayed on TV...stupid Grey's Anatomy... :(

The doctor decided that I have costochondritis...which besides sounding like a problem you would get shopping at Costco is an inflammation of the cartilage that connects my ribs to my breastbone... which would explain why sleeping us hard and waitressing hurts, etc.

The bad news is that they don't know what causes it...it could be a cold/flu, stress, virus... and there is no way to 'cure' it so I just have to wait for it to get better on it's own...I can take Motrin for it, which I plan on adding to the Ambien I'll take tonight so I can get a good night's rest :)

Saturday, November 24, 2007

We decided to put our Christmas tree up today - afterall, last year we didn't get it up until 2 weeks before Christmas. So we pulled out the tree, fixed a few lights that were out and started putting it together...then Frankie decided he wanted to help. We have had three cats (before Frank) still be in the 'kitten' phase around Christmas and we have NEVER had any behave like this...

Monday, November 19, 2007

I am generally a positive, smiley person. People that I work with, or wait on comment on it...I say this only to explain so that what comes next and the frustration I'm feeling.

We have been dealing with infertility for 3.5 years.. and it is just as hard now as it was 2 years ago...it doesn't get any easier. My body just can't seem to keep a baby and we are in NO position to adopt. I try to not let it get me down, but sometimes things just blind-side me...today one of those things happened.

Some dear friends of ours just sent out a mass e-mail announcing they are expecting. They are a great couple and were planning on having kids so I should be happy, right? Then how come when I read the e-mail I felt as if I had been punched in the gut?!?? I don't know how to stop feeling this way, just when I think I am over it something happens to prove that I am SO NOT over it.

I should be happy - I made $95 at work last night, and I just finished a really cute skirt which I made WITHOUT a pattern! :) But everytime I hear about pregnancies in people close to us I just shut down. I block everyone out. I realize that I do this to 'protect' myself, and my feelings - but how do I just come to terms with the fact that I may never have children...?? How as a woman (and being a member of my religion which is SO very child/family centric) do I just SHUTOFF that part of me? I just can't and I thnk it is ruining my life.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

As you hopefully noticed, I changed the look of the blog...and added some sound :) If you don't want the sound or want to change the song, you can just click 'Pause' or click on the song you want to hear. Kinda cool huh??I have just felt so stagnant lately, on my blog and in my life, so I needed a bit of a change. Work is still going good...it sucks to have to work two jobs though. I rarely have time to do something for myself. I am hoping I can get my 'second wind' this week and be able to better use my nights at home. I bought some fabric at Joanns and plan on making me some skirts (thanks Janus!)...if they turn out ok, I'll post some pictures. :)

Friday, November 09, 2007

I have not had a horrible nightmare in a while - I have had bad dreams, but nothing as terrorizing as last night. It woke me up out of a dead sleep, I was drenched in sweat and I could NOT go back to sleep.

I was at my parents house (it wasn't really their house, but in my dream it was) and they lived high up in the foothills. I was having a party and all the bank geeks (this term is not offensive, I am/was a band geek) from college were there and we decided to cook something outside. For some reason I and a couple other girls had to go up into the woods a bit to get something and when we were up there this baby and mom black bear go walking past, so we hurried and went another way only to run into a HUGE Grizzly bear. We climbed up this weird tree (bad idea in real-life by the way) and did this Tarzan move from tree to tree back down the hill to the house. We got to the back door and tried to lock it but we couldn't figure out how. Now there were lots of bears chasing us, so we tried to lock it the best we could and we left the house and all the other party guests to go get the police (don't ask me why we didn't just call 911). As we were running away the road turned into this street lamp lined street from Newport. One of the bears got right up behind me, reached for me but then I talked to him and said "You want to pass us up, there are lots more people just down the road" and he growled something like 'excellent' and ran past us but there were still more behind us. We got to an intersection and I ran in front of a car and waved my arms, the first one passed me by but the next lady let me and one of the other girls I was with in her backseat where her two little girls were. We drove away quickly and we could see the mayhem these bears were creating. They were everywhere, attacking people. We got to the police station, which had a wall of TV's broadcasting all the news stations and we could see more attacks. Then one of the stations had a chopper in the air and was filming live shots of my parents house and it was odd because the roof was gone (not destroyed, but almost like it had just been cut away so the contents could be seen), and we could see the entire inside of the house...and there were so many bodies, and blood everywhere...but all the bodies looked like dolls and action figures. I started sobbing hysterically and then I woke up. Seeing it in writing makes it seem not as scary as it was, but I can tell you I was FREAKED out. Over the summer here a couple of people who were camping were snagged from their tents by bears and were eaten. I almost went out to the garage and threw away all our camping stuff...and I kept formulating a plan if bears came into our house how I would stay safe...and how to keep my fur babies safe also. It all seemed so real and I still just can't get some of the images out of my head.I have NO IDEA where this dream came from - but I have been under a tremendous amount of stress the past couple weeks. I have been trying to figure out the meaning of the dream ever since I woke from it. Any ideas?

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Yep, you saw the posting time correct...11:48pm...I walked in the door from work about 20 minutes ago, started a load of laundry, took a shower and ate a can of Mandarin Oranges (which is pretty much all I have eaten today except candy at work)

Having two jobs is wicked hard, but works out good because Nathan quit the grocey store on Saturday ... The thing that sucks is that this job was supposed to be for $$ for my Mustang and to pay off debt, but now it will be so our house doesn't get taken away. STRESSFULL...

Anyway, I just wanted to check in, let you know I have made it half-way through my first 'Double Full Time Jobs' week.

About Me

I am a complex individual. I am bossy and impatient and to make matters worse, I have OCD.
I am married to a WONDERFUL man who loves me for who I am, no matter how crazy I get. I am blessed to be the mother of a stubborn fur cat named Winston and a trouble maker kitty named Mario.
We adopted our sweet baby Miles in May of 2011. Our daughter Amelia surprised us in March 2014, and our son Parley did the same in October 2015.

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Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come.