Thursday, August 12, 2010

When I sign up for a marathon or a triathlon, I always use a training plan. My training plan lets me know what to do each and every day. Usually, I train 4-5 days out of the week with the longest training day being Saturday. Because I have many other interests outside of running, my motto is to do as little as possible and try to get the best results possible. I usually end up barely making my goal because of this motto, but I'm ok with that.

Usually for a marathon, I use a 14-18 week training plan. On Saturday I get to begin my CCRM training plan. Thanks goodness it isn't 14-18 weeks. Instead it is about 5 weeks. My CCRM calendar reminds me of my training plans because each and every day I have something I have to do. On Saturday I start my bcp and on Sunday running_guy starts his antibiotics. Then at the end of August I start Lupron. September 14th I leave for Denver.

It's nice to see how everything is starting to fall into place. On Saturday I will officially be on my way!

Monday, August 9, 2010

I've always had a vivid imagination. As a student I would always get high marks on creative writing assignments because of my creativity and imagination. On the flip side my vivid imagination has also caused me some trouble. One time as a preteen when I was home alone babysitting my cousins, I thought that the man at the door was trying to break in the house to kill me when in fact it was the florist trying to deliver flowers to my mom for Valentines Day (it was really late and dark and I couldn't see the flowers). I called the neighbor and the poor florist got screamed at by the neighbor to stop harassing us and that's when I discovered that my imagination had run wild. Embarrassing that I was so close to calling the cops on the florist.

Anyway, today I had my integrin biopsy (basically a test that evaluates the uterine lining to see if it's missing something - why implantation isn't happening). I had heard from several girls on a message board that it was an extremely horrible test pain wise. I'm so thankful for people who don't candy coat things. So in my mind I imagined it as the most horrific, painful procedure that I was ever going to have. I envisioned a giant Captain Hook like tool entering my uterus and scooping out a chunk of it and putting it into a container. It was a painful procedure but the pain only lasted for ten seconds. My obgyn had me count to ten where I flopped around like a fish on the table because of the cramping and then it was over. My ob used a small tool (not a hook), and she was great. Do I ever want to have it done again. No! But I am so glad that I was mentally prepared for it.

So now I get to wait for AF to start, so I can begin my birth control pills and get started with my cycle. I am one step closer to the prize!

Friday, August 6, 2010

As a runner/triathlete I always enjoy researching and thinking about what races I will sign up for in the future. I usually read information about it online or talk to people who have done the race and get the 411. That's the same way I signed up for CCRM. I was so impressed by CCRMs statistics and the success stories that have come out of there. If you are ever researching CCRM, make sure to check out the CCRM board on ivf forums. All of the success stories give me so much hope and make me think that I am in the right place.

When I sign up for a marathon, I am usually nervous, excited, and have a sense of dread (I hate long run training days). I have to honestly say that I felt the same way when I signed up for CCRM. I'm nervous because I don't know how it's all going to unfold and if it's going to work. I'm excited because I really feel like I'm going to get pregnant. I'm also dreading it because we are putting so much into this and if we don't get pregnant, it will be a tough pill to swallow.

During the marathon I really feel an array of feelings. At the beginning I'm excited and ready to go (this is going to be fun). A few miles in I think wow I feel good; I could do this forever. Half way in I think to myself this is ok, but I'm ready for it to be over. By mile 16 I am questioning, why I signed up for it. What kind of idiot runs this far! Make the pain stop! Mile 21 I really don't have any thoughts I just want it to be over and vow that this is my last marathon. Mile 25 I think wow this is really awesome I'm almost done. Then at the finish line I'm so happy that it's done. I'm exhausted, but I have my medal, and I just ran a marathon. I start thinking about the next one I'm going to sign up...

My infertility marathon has been exactly like that. I have felt almost identical emotions during my ivf cycles. The only problem is I have yet to collect a medal (have a baby). Each and every time I get close to the goal, but for some reason it doesn't quite happen. I'm hoping at my CCRM Marathon I have a PR (personal record) and get the most precious prize..... my baby.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Ten years ago I would have never imagined that I would start a blog (were there even blogs ten years ago), run a marathon, or be childless. But look at me now, I have a blog - a pretty big deal for someone who is a very private person - although this is anonymous so I'm not sure this is a really big step. I've completed 3 half marathons and 3 full marathons - shocking to most people considering my cross country adventure in sixth grade did not turn out so hot and I hated long distance running. And the childless thing - probably the most shocking - who would think after ten years of marriage I would still not have a precious child.

Here I am though, making my very first post on my blog. Next month I travel to CCRM to start IVF #4 to work on the childless thing. I'm hoping and praying that CCRM does the trick. CCRM has a magical lab. They work miracles where miracles have not been worked before. I am totally drunk on the CCRM Kool -AId - which makes me a little bit nervous because if it doesn't work I will be devastated! The other clinics I've been to have been good, but I never got my hopes up - except for IVF #1. When IVF #1 didn't work, I really never got my hopes too high again.

My husband and I are special cases. He has no issues whatsoever. I don't ovulate on my own, but I ovulate just fine when given fertility drugs. I have hypothyroidism (super weird since I have always been a pound or two underweight) but am on medication for it. One doctor said that I had natural killer cells (I'm not sure if this is real or not). Other than that, I'm fine. We produce lots of nice embryos that look fantastic, and then they just don't stick! So frustrating! I'm hoping that next month is different and my cycle in Colorado turn out differently.

About Me

I am 32 years old and have been trying to have a baby for almost two years. My husband (35) and I have been married for ten years. Neither one of us have any real issues that point to why having a baby isn't working. I call this a marathon because that's what it feels like and I am am a runner. The analogy of a marathon seems appropriate because a marathon takes lots of steady patience and pacing, and that's what this feels like. I have to look for the positive in all of this and remind myself of how running guy and I's relationship has grown, how I have met some awesome friends,and the fact that we had a great vacation in Vegas. All of those things were because of this infertility marathon we are running. I also find great peace in knowing that God is in control, and He has a plan for my life. We are getting ready to start on IVF #4 at CCRM in Colorado. In running terms CCRM would be considered to be the Boston Marathon (the best of the best). It is scary and exciting because we are now at the best place in the country, so if it doesn't work this time what do we do?