I realize this is a good thing, being busy with lots of other things that have nothing to do with my eating disorder. I filed three stories in the past 24 hours, which was a measure of vague insanity. Tomorrow is my day off after working through the weekend, and then about 12 hours each on Monday and Tuesday.

In the last story, I got to use the words "trendspotting," "hipster," and "fashionista," which has to make this piece one of the coolest things I've ever written. And definitely the coolest thing I've ever written with an 18 hour turnaround time.

It felt good to be so busy with my science writer-y life. To have confidence that I am not only capable of writing stories but capable at making a living writing stories. I knew I could write about science. I knew I loved to write about science. But I didn't know if I could do this writing well enough to make it my career.

With every frantic email to editors and every story possibility that I evaluate, I'm realizing that I do actually have the chops to do freelance writing for a living. It's hard work. Harder in some ways than I really thought it would be. But when world-famous scientists give you their cell phone number for an interview, or you get to use the word "hipster" in your story, or your editor thanks you for convincing him to run your piece after he initially turned it down, it is all worth it.

Days like these past few days are when I know anorexia has beat a steady retreat. I still have the always-present body dysmorphia, the sky-high anxiety (am talking to my psychiatrist about this next week), the not-always-so-stable moods. I still sometimes think about how much better I would feel if I could exercise the jitters out for, oh, several hours a day.

But that would bite into my writing time. A malnourished brain can't be juggling phone calls and questions and scribbled Post-It notes. It can't fact check. The anorexic thoughts may still be present, but they are no longer welcome. They finally feel like they originate from that diseased part of my brain. Which they always did, it's just that I was unable to recognize it. Or maybe my entire brain was diseased and ill with AN so that there was no way to distinguish my own thoughts and my AN thoughts.

It's odd because recovery usually happens so slowly that you almost don't even notice it, but these slow changes add up. And then you look around and realize that life looks completely different.

i just returned back to work after a 4 month medical leave to get treatment for my ED. before, i was worthless at my job. now, the amount of work i am producing is rather comical. as i tell my friends, it's amazing what nourishment does to the brain. and you're right -- recovery just sneaks up on you, it's hard to notice till it happens.

Yay for feeling positive again! Yay for SEEING success! Even BIGGER YAY for acknowleding it! I think that writing this blog keeps you accountable- once you have made public the fact that you are recovering, you are accountable to the people you've told, even if you don't know them. I think that's a HUGE lesson to be learned from you- we may not have our own blogs, but we have our own families and friends- we can make our recovery "public" to these people and that will help us stay strong. The ED tells us we're not worthy- but our friends and family want us around- remembering that can help us to do it for them even when we can't do it for ourselves.

Now that is the BEST news! Congrats on this, the first day of your new life when you have realized that your healthy thinking/feeling has surpassed the old negative way of thinking/feeling! Cheers to you!

"I still sometimes think about how much better I would feel if I could exercise the jitters out for, oh, several hours a day."

I must admit that frenetic exercising is the only thing I miss about my 'former life'. For me, exercising was not just about relieving anxiety, it was deeply linked to my identity because I was a child athlete. I also loved exercising and my main sports of running and swimming. However, my body is wrecked from a long history of over-exercising and undereating :(

ED Bites on Facebook!

ED Bites is on Twitter!

Search ED Bites

I'm on Wellsphere!

About Me

I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.