“God’s Police” Think Your Skirt is Too Short

You know how sometimes you see a mannequin in a store window and that mannequin is so provocative and turns you on so much that you just start masturbating right there in the middle of the street because what else are you supposed to do? It’s molded plastic tits are just staring you right in the face and, although it’s fully clothed, how can you not be enticed by the smooth Barbie parts that are calling out to you? And those are just the inanimate sexual enticements that we come across here in Brooklyn on a daily basis. What about the real, live women who brazenly walk around flaunting their shoulders? Who will protect society from those whores? Who is thinking about the children? Specifically, the male children?

Well, don’t worry because “God’s police” are on the job. The New York Times has an article about the “shadowy, sometimes self-appointed modesty squads” in Hasidic neighborhoods who “use social and economic leverage to enforce conformity.” The Times reports that “the rules are spoken and unspoken, enforced by social pressure but also, in ways that some find increasingly disturbing, by the modesty committees. Their power is evident in the fact that of the half dozen women’s clothing stores along Lee Avenue, only one features mannequins, and those are relatively shapeless, fully clothed torsos.”

But maybe these modesty police go a little to far? Even some people in the Hasidic community think that this kind of moral pressure is a bit extreme. The Times spoke to some Hasidim who “say they have seen or heard how a shadowy group of men seeks to pressure parents to rein in children who wear dresses too short or stockings too thin, or who chat on cellphones with friends of the opposite sex. One family reported being harassed because the wife had stepped outdoors with a robelike housecoat rather than a long dress.”

Personally, I can see where God needs some help picking up the slack. I mean, God is really busy right now, what with having to help his favorite professional football team prepare for the Superbowl. So it’s important that regular humans help God out by making sure that mannequins are appropriately “shapeless.” Think of the terrible things that would happen without God’s police—women wearing tank tops, dogs and cats lying together, it would be pure anarchy. We’re so lucky to have God’s police to keep us all on the right path.