By Smaktakula

In which, armed with nothing more than a severely attenuated attention span and an ignorance both boundless and sublime, we respond to the news headlines of the day without bothering to first read the articles.

Do American Jews Live in a Cocoon? ~ How is it fair that you get away with saying a thing like that? That time when Smaktakula said that Jewish people were terrifying moth-like creatures, HE lost his job!

Has ‘Glee’ Officially Taken It Too Far? ~ Oh, please. Okay, first of all, for something to be declared “official”, some sort of governing body must exist with the authority to make pronouncements regarding how far “it” has been taken. Moreover, in the ridiculously unlikely event that a network television show did somehow manage to find itself “taking it too far”, it’s a pretty safe bet that show wouldn’t be a cloying time-killer aimed at campy gay dudes and lonely spinsters.

‘Tits McGee’: Growing Up With Big Boobs ~ It distracts a little from the very serious nature of your subject when you tag your headline with one of the all-time funniest nicknames ever created for an amply-endowed lass. However, it’s perfectly understandable that you don’t appreciate the appellation’s amusing nature, as we imagine that even after all these years you still fail to see the humor in it.

Hey, Look At The Bright Side, Chesty–Not Many People Can Claim They’re A Human Life-Jacket.

My Dad Will Never Stop Smoking Pot~ Son, Daddy uses this forum to write silly jokes about the headlines to news stories he can’t be bothered to read. I appreciate you voicing your concerns, but we’ll talk about this a little later in private–okay, Sport?

Lance Armstrong Tells Oprah Winfrey Why He Doped ~ “Well, you see, Oprah, I made a lot more money when I won races, and the boys in R&D crunched some numbers and they discovered that I seemed to win more races when I was a chemically enhanced super-human. So, really–it was kind of a no-brainer.”

How much Neanderthal DNA do you have? Lots ~ “Jesus, Frank–there has GOT to be a better way to say that. Look, I had a couple of really unfortunate encounters during my time-travel adventures in the Pleistocene Era, and all I want to do right now is take a shower and try to forget about it.”

“Listen, Garrkkokk–I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Be Able To Trust You Again. It’s Times Like This When I Remember Why Our Two Species Diverged.”

Double-transplant patient loses legs ~ They’re not your fucking car keys, dude! Somebody went to a lot of trouble to get you those legs, and the least you can do is keep an eye on them.

“‘Short-man syndrome’ is real~ Given the tragic and debilitating nature of their shared genetic curse, we think it’s a remarkable display of perseverance most mornings for these nasty little creatures even to come skulking from their filthy dens into the bright light of day.

The Fact That You Rarely See Lawn Jockeys These Days Should Give You An Idea Of How Profoundly Offensive Shortness Has Become In Modern Society.

By Smaktakula

We're Not Saying He Was Asking For It, But Did Justin Really Have To Dress Like That?

I can prove to you that rape is funny. Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd.

George Carlin

By her own admission, Mariah Yeater is a predator. She has repeatedly boasted to anyone who will listen about the events of October 25, 2010, when Yeater says she snatched away a young boy’s innocence, trampling it beneath her Crocs. Just another San Diego statistic.

Okay, Maybe After A Couple Drinks. We're Not Too Proud To Admit It.

But what happens when the rape victim is hairless hit factory Justin Bieber? According to Yeater, who was nineteen at the time, she had her way with the underage popstar on “some sort of shelf” backstage, engaging in unprotected sex. Although the attack lasted only thirty seconds, the damage left in its wake will not be quick in disappearing. Adding a further layer of pathos to this tragedy, the rapist boasts that prior to the assault, Bieber had been a virgin.

Mariah Yeater: Apparently Justin Bieber Thinks He Can Do Better.

However, more egregious than Yeater’s crime itself is the way the unrepentant skank has behaved in the months following the attack. By asserting that Bieber’s handlers chose her, plucking Yeater from the crowd and ushering her backstage, the callow hussy is essentially blaming the victim for her crime–the old ‘he was asking for it’ canard. Moreover, Yeater has apparently produced an offspring, claiming improbably that Bieber’s body is somehow able to produce seminal fluid, and that some portion of that fluid was exchanged to produce the aforementioned child. Bieber, for whom puberty is still a handful of years away, denies the charges.

Like Bieber, This Ancient Egyptian Mummy Knows The Pain Of False Paternity Accusations. Billie Jean Was Not His Lover, But Rather Just A Girl Who Claimed He Was The One. To His Grave He Steadfastly Maintained That The Kid Was Not His Son. SHAMON!

What will happen next is anyone’s guess. Perhaps Yeater’s claims will be proven correct, and it will be revealed that by some unfathomable combination of perverted science and unholy witchcraft Bieber was able to produce a child through sexual intercourse with a human female, and if so, we pray that Yeater will be charged as a rapist. Or, as is a lot more likely, Yeater’s justice will come not from the courts, but rather at the end of a rope, a warning to other floozies not to mess with the Beliebers’ beloved.

By Smaktakula

Just as popular music’s reputation has been besmirched by unwholesome potty-mouths like Ke$ha, Lil Wayne and hairless hit factory Justin Bieber, words also can be unfairly tainted by an apparent, but nonexistent connection between them. Words which sound similar can be easily confused, particularly if one of them is among the most emotionally laden in the English language. Some words, even those with wholly innocent meanings and uttered by well-intentioned speakers, invite scorn and opprobrium with the thunderous quickness of a loud fart in a quiet church.

"Well, I Guess I'll Go Clean Out My Desk Now."

Such a word is Niggardly. Although the origins of the word are wholly innocent, descended from Old English and Scandinavian roots and meaning stingy or miserly, niggardly should never be spoken. Not ever. Never, never, never. You know why.

Few other words can suck the life from a room with the rapidity of this adjective. Rather than employ this conversation-killer, we recommend using one of the aforementioned synonyms or choosing from among the plethora available, including but not limited to “parsimonious,” “cheap” or “tight.” If no other word will suffice, then for the sake of common decency as well as your own safety, please say “N-Wordly.”

"I'm Fully Aware Of The Wordth' Meaning, And Moreover That Your Motiveth Were Not To Give Offenth. It Ith For Entirely Different Reathonth That I Will Be Feeding You Your Own Thpleen."

It’s still acceptable to say ‘There’s a chink in my armor,’ but only if your chain mail tunic has been swiped by the dastardly Sir Lee and his nefarious Knights of the Tong. ∞T.

By Smaktakula

Two decades ago America’s arenas were jammed with pubescent girls screaming for the manufactured teenybop that only New Kids on the Block could offer. The screaming has long since died away, and many of those young fans now have children of their own. And perhaps when her own daughter rhapsodically details the myriad virtues of the hairless hit factory Justin Bieber, now and then one of those former fans will spare a moment to think of those long-ago idols, wondering whatever became of those five boys from Boston.

NKOTB Has Retooled Its Sound For Generation MILF.

After recasting themselves as NKOTB in 1993, the boys attempted a comeback. NKOTB’s song Keep on Smilin’ appeared on the soundtrack to the killer whale opus, Free Willy, which the boys hoped would revive their flagging fan base. Sadly, much like the film’s titular orca, it appeared the New Kids’ career was destined for the business end of a Japanese harpoon, ultimately to be devoured alongside some salaryman’s ramen.*

But like the legendary phoenix, which seemingly perished only to rise again from its own ashes, it’s hard to keep a possibly lucrative nostalgia act down That’s right–please don’t go, girl–because NKOTB is back and better than ever!

Joey!

Donnie!

The Other Three!

Hangin' Tough On The High Seas: Not Only Will The Boys From Boston Perform, They'll Also Clean Your Cabin And Press Your Pants.

For those fans seeking the ultimate NKOTB experience, we recommend joining the lads on an intimate four-day Caribbean Cruise. This opportunity is a godsend for those women on the verge of middle age who always wanted to score with a New Kid, but thought the opportunity forever beyond their reach. Remember ladies, with their multi-platinum heyday two decades gone, they’re not nearly as picky these days.

#14? Mr. McIntyre Will See You Now.

* Since we have no plans to see ever Free Willy or even to read a plot synopsis, we have depicted the film as ending the way we would want it to.

hippie elderly people Sadly it’s true: the Baby Boomers are retiring. They look forward to travel, spending time with their grandchildren, and self-indulgently sucking dry the nation’s financial marrow.

do dread make your head bigIn some instances it do. If you blond, it make your head stupid.

cast of mom and dad save the worldIt Features Jon Lovitz, Teri Garr, Kathy Ireland and the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard rendered into flesh and blood, Wallace Shawn. Also this dangerous child molester.

mexican marijuanaA lot like domestic marijuana except it works harder and costs less.

By Smaktakula

There. We said it.

Marky Mark Wishes He Could Travel Forward In Time To Lay A Beatdown On That Poser, Mark Wahlberg, Like In That Dope New Movie Terminator 2. Except Opposite.

It seems as if the brash young rapper who once snarled, Money is the thing that I need to fulfill my greed is gone. Thespian Mark Wahlberg, as Marky Mark now prefers to be called, has reached a level of financial success of which the hungry young kid from Boston and his creepy supernumerary nipple might only have dreamed.

A life of contentment has erased any trace of the beguiling young star who once brazenly dedicated a book to his own penis. However, it is doubtful that even the most cynical observer would have predicted Wahlberg’s quiet spiral into soullessness. In a recent interview, the hollow ghost of his former It-Boy incarnation admitted that he would dust off his negligible hip-hop chops to rap on a Justin Bieber album, if only the hairless hit factory would ask him.

Vibrations good like Sunkist/Many wanna know who done this

You did it, Marky. You did it to yourself. We were powerless to do anything but watch you fall apart.