Not included: the girl or guy you end up in bed with that nightafter your group goes out drinking, and you spend the next four years avoiding her/him.

THE JADED GENIUSYou know this school you worked so hard to get into? It was this girl’s safety school. And she’s pissed to be here. In fact, she’s still wearing her Princeton sweatshirt she bought in March just so you know that she knows that she’s better than you. That’s how sure she was that she was going to get in. She will try and transfer as soon as possible, and god help her if she has to stay in this sh*thole longer than a semester.

THAT DOUCHEBAG FROM HIGH SCHOOLUnless you are going to college in one of the former Yugoslav republics, there will be at least one assh*le from your high school who has never talked to you. Now that he is out of his natural environment of your hometown where he is friends with other douchebags, he will cling to you and pretend you have always been good friends. He will drop you as soon as someone that isn’t you talks to him.

THE NOTE TAKERShe’s in college, and she’s ready to be valedictorian. You’ll notice that she’s armed with a notebook and several types of gel pens and seems to be taking notes as if there will be an orientation exam. This becomes more apparent when she raises her hand and asks the orientation leader if there will be an exam. In four years, she’ll be the one in tears when she only gets magna cum-laude.

KID WHOSE BROTHER IS A JUNIORThis guy is swaying a little bit, because even though last night was his first night in town, he got really drunk at his brother’s frat. He’s already nicknamed Rooster- and the dicks that the frat brothers drew dicks on his face are still half-visible. For the next two years, this kid will have built in friends and crazy parties but then will become a detached loser once they all graduate.

THE SCHOOL SPIRIT QUEENThis girl has decided to live out the next four years in baggy sweatpants and sweatshirts shamelessly emblazoned with your school’s logo. She has not only the football and basketball schedules memorized, but also the fencing, women’s rugby, and shuffleboard ones as well. The foreign kid’s parents would be shocked that not only do people wear this to universities, but that people wear this kind of clothing in any social situation.

September 6, 2011--The holiday weekend’s most amusing police report comes courtesy of the Spartanburg County Sheriff’s Office, whose officers Saturday morning responded to a vandalism call at the home of Brian Scott.

According to investigators, Scott reported that during the evening someone had driven through his front yard, leaving behind about 15 feet of tire tracks. When a deputy asked about any other damage, the 35-year-old Scott replied that the unknown motorist had also left him a “present.”

When Deputy M. Miller asked about the gift, Scott “pointed to what appeared to be a porcelain toilet,” according to the report. “Upon further inspection I confirmed that it was in fact a porcelain toilet and that the toilet contained what appeared to be human feces,” noted Miller.

Scott told Miller that the toilet was “brought onto his property and left in his driveway.” The South Carolina homeowner added that, “whoever brought the toilet onto his driveway had sat down on it and had a bowel movement.”

No arrests have been made in connection with the skid marks left on Scott’s lawn or the “present” deposited in his driveway.