Beyond burkinis: why science suggests ALL clothes should be bannedScenes of French police enforcing a burkini ban have shocked many, but the anger is misplaced. The fact is that ALL clothes are awful and should be banned

A lot of people have been upset by images of French police forcing a woman to take a burkini off on a beach, in full view of the public, in accordance with the controversial French burkini ban. There are many reasons to be outraged by this ban: the suppression of individual rights and apparent hypocrisy in the name of “secularism”, the misogyny-tinged policing of women’s clothes specifically, the public display of intimidation, and so on.

All of these complaints are misplaced. The real problem with the burkini ban is, it’s too limited. Forbidding a specific type of swimsuit won’t achieve anything: we must ban ALL CLOTHES! And the sooner the better.

This may sound like a ridiculous notion. But, more ridiculous than banning a swimming costume in order to fight terrorism? I think not! Plus, there are many scientifically valid reasons for us to do away with clothes.

Firstly, clothes cause problems. Look at the long history of clothes being used as a tool of oppression and control, often resulting in political problems. If we didn’t have clothes, we wouldn’t have the means to use them to make people’s lives harder. Even today, in these more “liberated” times, clothes regularly cause problems. How many T-shirt controversies have there been now? Considering how much time has been wasted arguing over them, clothes have probably held back human advancement significantly.

If you doubt this, let’s not forget the time a questionable shirt completely overshadowed a major achievement in space exploration. None of this would have happened if we didn’t have clothes. We’d probably be on Jupiter by now! Admittedly, that would be depend on whether you define “space suits” as clothes, seeing as how they’d be banned, but the point still stands.

But you don’t need to cite controversy to see that clothes do more harm than good. How long do you spend agonising over what to wear every day? How long do you spend chafing in uncomfortable garments while trying to work because of some unthinking poorly-thought-out office “dress code”? And you dare not deviate from it, or there will be consequences. So you end up spending large sums of money on things you don’t like, don’t enjoy and which don’t really do anything useful.

And that’s without the pressure of judgment risked whenever you walk outside wearing specific clothes. How often do we hear people ask “what do your clothes say about you?” Ever-changing fashions and clothing choices have just added another layer of stress and paranoia to a world which has plenty of that as it is.

There are other benefits to banning clothes. The environmental damage caused by constantly washing them would be drastically reduced, as would the financial cost of doing so. Everyone would suddenly have more money available, and no need to spend it on clothes! So it would be doubly good.

Let’s not forget the societal benefits. It may be a difficult adjustment at first, but when you consider that most people who practice body shaming or often less-than-perfect specimens themselves then removing the ability to hide your flaws behind opaque cloth could result in more tolerance and sensitivity between people. And if the human obsessions with looking good persists, people would have to work harder to make their own bodies more “presentable” by keeping in shape. The health benefits to all and reduced pressure on medical services that would result from this cannot be understated.

Admittedly, there’d be some downsides, at least at first. Quite a few industries would collapse and livelihoods would be ruined, so the economic impact would be harsh. We’d also be a bit more restricted in the environments we can live in, despite the resilience of the human body.

Women especially, with their difficult-to-restrain breasts, may find the adjustment difficult. Perhaps some exception could be made for sports bras? Although we’d have to carefully monitor the wearing of them, to make sure no woman breaks the arbitrary and questionable rules of what’s acceptable. Can’t see that being a problem though.

Granted, some clothes offer protection, but when you consider it will be virtually impossible to conceal weapons, the safety risks and benefits will hopefully cancel each other out.

There would also need to be some serious revaluation of our social norms, especially our sexual attitudes, but we’d get used to it eventually. Humans are good like that. Although funerals would likely be less sombre affairs for the foreseeable future.

Also, if we’re going to ban clothes, we should do it very soon, because they’re only going to get worse. Developments in flexible, resilient circuits mean we’ll soon see the arrival of genuinely “smart” clothes. Consider the implications; clothes that can think for themselves! Telling you the time, adjusting the heating without asking, sending reminders to your phone. What’s to stop them just calling you for a chat? What’s to stop them getting angry!?!

“Hi, it’s your favourite shirt here, just calling to … what’s that rustling? ... WHO ARE YOU WEARING!?”

That’s no life. For this and every other reason mentioned above, clothes clearly need to be banned.

And what this shows is that, even if you can back up a decision with compelling and reasonable-sounding arguments, it doesn’t mean it isn’t ridiculous. Like banning a bathing suit.