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Research into the cure for a hangover

It is a proven scientific fact that guinea pigs serve only one purpose in life and that is to serve as guinea pigs [in scientific experiments, of course]. How else would they have got the name? Some scientist once said that he needed a guinea pig for a test, and asked what he should use, and the obvious answer came back – Guinea Pigs.

I have two guinea pigs – Minnie and Fizz. I have decided to use them As God Intended.

To carry out an experiment, one needs a goal to test, and I chose a problem that is very close to my headstomach heart – the cure for the hangover.

I started by feeding them copious quantities of whiskey mixed with wine. After a couple of pints of this mixture [each] they were soon enjoying themselves. Minnie was trying to play Richard Clayderman [very badly] on the piano, while Fizz tried to chat up a pot plant and sing “The Old Bog Road” at the same time.

The following morning, the experiment began.

Using Fizz as a control sample [yes – I fucking know how to conduct tests] I left her moaning in the corner of her cage, threatening to kill herself and swearing off drink for life.

I started by feeding Minnie a large quantity of paracetemol. She just puked the lot up.

I then fed her a large fry-up of rashers, sausages, baked beans and fried eggs. She ate the beans all right [and farted copiously] and then pointed out that she was vegetarian. Scratch that test.

I then left various ‘mothers remedies’ lying around for Minnie to take her pick.

Research? research? I think you are using the word ‘research’ so that you appear in google searches….you did it before. As for guinea pigs – roast them – check this http://www.flickr.com/photos/pickup_stix/21149711/ – you won’t see it in McDonald’s, Supermacs maybe.

That’s it then, you’ve cracked it GD! You’d better get a patent out on Sandy immediately if not sooner. He doesn’t seem to be noticing Minnie tearing lumps out of his backside either – but will he thank you GD, when with a distribution of approx. 2 dog hairs (?) per hungover person per population, he will be bald by teatime?

Frank – I dubbed the didlly-eye music [which incidentally is a mandolin] on because on the original soundtrack, all you could hear was Fizz moaning and groaning. Not pleasant. The plural of Fizz is Fizzzzzz.

Kerryview – Actually that was a drop of literary licence. If I told the truth and said that it was Herself that had the hangovers, she would only get miffed again.

Geri – Sandy is well aware of what is going on. She [yup – female – a fucking housefull of females here] has adopted the guinea pigs as puppies and I think they think she’s their mother. Some day, I’m going to have to gently break the news. As you may notice from her somewhat untidy appearence, she’s moulting [very heavily] at the moment so I literally have sacks of the stuff. Want some? €20 a pinch.

Ian – If it’s all right with you, I’ll stick with the miles, the ounces and the guineas. The EU can go and suck themselves.

K8 – And wouldn’t she be the quare sight with a Brazillian? If, after all your pluckage, you have some hair you want to dispose of, just think of the hungry guinea pigs? Just make sure it’s from the hat and not the handbag.