Reminiscences of a Mis-Spent Youth

As recent copies of the magazine have been a bit thin, I have been asked to pad it out with a few of’ the sometimes scurrilous tales that occur in the civil aviation business. I will have to dig back many years for some stories, partly to pad things even rote, but also because some of the people flying in those days would not be tolerated how and their behavior would have led to a rapid boot-assisted take off. The arrogance of some of the old timers was beyond belief – as in the case of the Flying boat Captain who returned the aircraft to the mooring because his bag of aniseed balls was missing. Some of them were, of course, great old men. It was that attitude, however, that resulted in an occasion when a flying boat moored up to a buoy, a little motor dinghy chugged out and the crow got in, the Captain still being on the aircraft. After a short wait the first Officer said O,K., take us ashore, the Captain will be walking over”.

At one stage of it’s chequered history, many land planes crows wore transferred to flying boats, almost all against their will. You either veto a webbed foot or you weren’t. If you were, you were on them already:. Anyway one flying boat was heading West across the desert West of Basra against the customary winter headwinds at it’s usual 8000 feet or so, when the Captain in Command noticed that the one in the right hand seat, an ex-York Captain who was on a familiarization trip, was gazing fixedly down at the ground. “What are you looking at? “Camels’ “Good Lord man you’ve soon camels before “Yes, but not overtaking us”.

Many of the incidents that are part of this article occurred in the U.S.A. Partly this is because so much flying happens there and partly because of the tradition of the smart wisecrack. Apart from the professional need to Monitor several channels at the same time, there is often a bonus in what is heard. Remarks are quick and brief. On one occasion we were letting down over Long Island on a sunny day, Swarms of light aircraft are in the air on such occasions. A.T.C. cleared us for the usual approach with the routine advisory “Numerous small targets in all directions heights unknown”. Our skipper acknowledged and added “going down with our heads lowered)”. Over the air came another aircraft “Chicken”. The skipper back “Yeah, but an old chicken”.

New York was a scene of many remarks. When the Bristol freighter first arrived there, the Tower operator stopped laughing for long enough to ask “ Say, what kind of plane is that?” A rather offended British voice replied “A Bristol Freighter”. In a tone of awe the Tower asked “Did you make it yourself?”. On another occasion when one was parked on the apron the crew were asked if it was an aero plane or the box that one came in.

More recently the VC10 became well known at New York. Ground Control is always busy at JFK and their instructions are terse. One American operator, was taxiing out, and instructed to wait for, and follow, British VCIO to departure position. He acknowledged “OK follow eyelevel grill”.

Rather surprisingly perhaps, quite noticeable speech impediments do not prohibit one from using the r/t. In tact, one or two bad stutterers used insist on waffling on when a few seconds of their co-pilots time would have got the message over. One of our aircraft, when inbound to New York, over the Maritimes, was called by Moncton with a re-route. The Captain acknowledged receipt, then laboriously suggested an alternative routing.. This took, several minutes during which the channel was tied up, other operators were chafing and Moncton was going berserk. At the end of his transmission the Captain asked “Have you got all that Moncton?”. A weary .voice came back “Got It? We’ve carved it on stone”.

Another Captain ,who unfortunately had no speech Impediment whatsoever, but switched to continuous transmit as his eyes opened, was letting down into Calcutta. He also acknowledged instructions and started to suggest. a better idea. An excited Indian voice broke in “Shut up Speedbird shut up. I know you – you are Captain … . BOAC – natter, natter, natter”. His crew loved it – the Captain was quiet for several minutes. On a later occasion, the same Captain was taking off from Prestwick to London in a very lightly 4oaded DC7. These aircraft were quite lively at low weights, he pulled her off the ground and passed the end of the runway at about 1000 feet’. Excitedly he called the Tower “How about that Prestwick, 1000 feet, climbing at 2500 feet/minute.” and. so on. There was silence for a moment and a slow American voice came on the air “Yeah, there’s one in every Company”.

While most of these stories inevitably concern Captains (the best target draws the most shots) we did feature one (among a Low) incredibly thick First Officer. Relationships between Flight Deck and Cabin Crow arc prickly sometimes, and senior cabin crow naturally resent being patronized, On a 707, on arrival at a terminal, the Senior Steward, who had probably flown more years that the First Officer had lived, was just leaving the flight deck after settling some problem in discussion with the Captain when this First Officer, who was very junior at the time, casually handed his brief case to the Senior Steward and said “Take this off for me”. The: Steward took brief case, walked to the head of the steps – possibly twelve feet above ground, and dropped it, He then returned to the Flight beck and calmly announced Your brief case has gone off sir”. To our Surprise and relief this First Officer left us and went to Pan Am in a training position. This did make us wonder even more about the ‘most experienced airline ‘ bit. One night in the emptiness. south of Teheran a BOAG 707 eastbound was called by Pan Am Westbound “Hey BOAC, we’ve got one of your guys – name … Do you him?”. Flatly the B0AC reply came “We know bin,”. Long pause from Am then “It figures”.

And at our own beloved London Airport, remarks are sometimes made too. One Am jet was taxiing when he was startled to see a police car on the taxiway. “He called the Tower “Hey London, there’s a car on the taxiway”. The Tower cane back rapidly “Yes, it’s a police vehicle entitled to use the taxiways. Did he cause you any inconvenience?”. Pan Am “Well, no, but it’s hardly cricket”.

All aircraft carry a transponder. which is set to any number combination on instruction from ATC so that the aircraft may be identified among all the radar echoes. This is called a squawk box from the audio noise of interrogation (a saw tooth audio note not audible in modern boxes). Air Canada awaiting taxiing instructions were told to “Follow Lufthansa 737 to departure position.” Air Canada acknowledged “OK follow Clockwork Mouse to departure”. A very affronted voice immediately cane over the air “This is not a clockwork mouse it is a Lufthansa 737”. No more was said until the 737 was on the runway and the Tower’s departure instructions were “Lufthansa Flight … clear for take off turn left after take off and squeak alpha 2371”,

One chap did get into trouble at London. Things were a bit busy and after turning off the runway at the end of the landing run ho switched to Ground Control who asked “Have I given you a stand yet?” his reply “Not with a voice like that” was not appreciated.

A BOAC plane approaching London asked for a time check, The Tower asked which airline was calling. The Captain irritably said “What difference does that make?” “Well” said the Tower “if you are BOAC it is twenty past two. If you are Pan Am it’s twenty after two. If you are Aer Lingus the big hand is on four and the little hand on two”. Incidentally, Aer Lingus Captains are recognizable by the four gold bands around their wellies.

And finally, a nasty racist one which has been engraved in the history of the business. Due to the high fuel consumption of big jets when idling (ticking over is not quite the phrase when the high pressure compressor is running at 6000 rpm) there is a planned system where you call for start up clearance about fifteen minutes before you expect to be ready to go. Any subsequent delay must be reported to allow reallocation of start times. One night at New York (of course) Lufthansa had been given a start time and realized that they were not going to be able to make it. They called the Tower -“Kennedy Tower Lufthansa .. we will not be ready for start at (specified tine) we have lost two passengers and are looking everywhere for them” An American voice came over the air “Try looking in the ovens”..

If you are in the business, and possibly if not, all the above are chestnuts and old hat. I hope one or two are new to someone or other. If anyone recognizes themselves, I just say, Hi, to them, And if no stories are told against flight engineers in this article, then to rephrase that famous lady supporter of prominent Tories, of a decade or two ago, “I wouldn’t, would I?”.

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