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Brighton Mourns as City’s Last Gluten Tolerant Resident Dies aged 85

Restaurant workers across Sussex stood silent for two minutes today as they remembered Christine Parish, Brighton’s last gluten tolerant resident, who died on Wednesday.

Brighton and Hove is now 100% Gluten intolerant and is almost 98% lactose intolerant with only a few hundred hardy milk drinkers remaining. The knock on effect of the rise has left experts predicting the extinction of cows by 2020 and widespread job losses amongst wheat farmers.

In figures realised earlier this week being ‘something or other intolerant’ is now the third most popular hobby in Brighton. Being a vegan climbed from fourth to take second place, whilst ‘telling every pr*ck that will listen that you are a vegan’ held on to the top spot for the fifth consecutive year.

The report shows a sharp rise in those taking up some sort of intolerance in the last year, with most acting on advice from their mates on facebook or some numpty from the telly. The trend seems to not be exclusive to humans as only last month the RSPCA reported its first case of a gluten intolerant seagull. There have also been several calls asking for advice on how to treat gluten intolerant dogs, cats and even reports of a lactose intolerant goldfish.

A support group for those who remain tolerant to lactose has now been set up. They meet every other Wednesday on Hove Lawns to chat shit and drink milk . More info can be found on their facebook page.

We have a local branch of the society to protect gluten tolerance and any other poser tolerance, we meet in Tesco in Stockport with after meeting snacks at Macdonalds. We are always seeking new members. We especially welcome meat eaters.

Anybody intolerant of gluten or lactose should be scooped up and prosecuted for hate crimes. I identify as a gluten and would like to say I stand in solidarity with my fellow chemical-identifiers, the lactose.

I think the answer is to hold a referendum on whether UK citizens should now become intolerant of intolerance. We must reclaim our bodies and empower ourselves in a transgender tolerant gluten global issue way, thus adding to the overflowing vat of verbal dysentery which is swamping our blessed land going forward.. I am intolerant of my wife and I being addressed as “guys” by a young spotty, patronising meet and greet johnny in a restaurant foyee. I try to explain nicely that I am not American, my wife is female (the last time I checked) and we are both over 13 years old. Please can people immediately stop starting every sentence with: “Do you know what.” I will write to the BBC (Brexit Bashing Corporation) about this matter.

It’s humor, I get it. But why are we really laughing for vegans? Because they are trying to save the earth? Because we are too lazy to do the same? And why do you “feel bad for cows” -because vegans don’t eat the meat? Just asking.

Hi Jane, I don’t think this piece is laughing particularly at vegans. it’s a satire that’s poking fun at those – typically in an avant garde place like Brighton – who are self-absorbed with their dietary intake to the point that they think they have intolerances and allergies with food like wheat and milk, that are extremely unlikely.

Why shouldn’t we laugh at Vegans – they often verbally assault us with their very ingrained intolerance of our tolerance of all people whatever they chose to eat. In fact their arrogance should be called out at every possible opportunity.

Wow – I didn’t know Vegans had been discovered……why isn’t it in the news and why haven’t we sent up a rocket to threaten them (although I assume that once Trump has got bored with Kim Ill Thing he will want to threaten death and destruction to their planet if they dont start wearing baseball caps and eating mcdonalds)