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Ranting(?)- I feel like I'm caged

I guess this is ranting, but here it goes...

I've been having doubts about what I want to do. I want to work with the wolves I love, but in order to do that, I have to be able to travel long distances by foot and carry lots of weight. I also have to be able to survive in a harsh winter environment. I don't think I can do it (There are days when I don't want to do anything.Just sit and read, or sleep. Won't be able to work with wolves since they travel several miles a day). So I was thinking about working on a ranch or farm working with horses and cows, like a second choice for work. However, my dad brought up that I need to find work that is easy on my muscles and won't make me hurt as often. I don't know what to do.

My parents just stopped smoking a few weeks ago, and they started arguing. About the way one would talk to the other, my mom was stressed and accidentally took it out on my dad, my dad being really mad at my mom about her taking it out on him. Everything has calmed down, but I was so stressed that I started to get physically ill. I went for a walk and my dad came with, which didn't help much since he was unintentionally half the problem for my feeling sick.

Anyway, while I was walking, I realized that I didn't know where I wanted to go. A path I haven't walked in a while, or one I've known all my life. The one I knew, would bring me back to an old friend's house, and i didn't want to walk by and see her since we aren't friends anymore. I didn't want to walk a path I haven't traveled in a while because I realized that if I started walking, I would walk until I got too tired to move and would need a ride back. I ended up walking to the end of the block with my dad before he became too tired to continue (neither of my parents are in the best of health. I have to watch over them, especially since they are prone to TIA's and both are on lots of medication). My dad said he knew how I felt and asked "It's like you're in a cage and can't get out?" and I realized that it was almost exactly like that. It's as if I'm covered in chains and locked in a glass box outside. I can see everything around me, but I can't get out to join with everyone. When I went to Minnesota, it was as if the glass box had been lifted and most of my chains had been taken off. When I got home, most of the chains were put on again, and school added even more. After my swollen legs about a month ago, and again a week ago, all of my chains seem to be set again. Now I'm back in the glass box called society. My parents let me do almost anything I want to, but although I'm 'free', the freedom is also like a chain. I can run as far as I want, but then I'm just dragged back home again, therefore I'm 'chained' with the need to watch over them.

I should write a book with this, huh? lol
I'm just getting really tired of it. Most of it would be gone if I exercised more, but when I exercise I hurt later. I'll have to continue getting used to it I guess.

Last edited by wolfwhisper; 03-20-2010 at 07:47 PM.

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much"- Mother Teresa

I have to say, your rant is one of the better written, and more thoughtful ones I've read in awhile. When I go off on a rant, I usually have to restrain myself from blurting out a litany of four-letter words that would make even a hardened Drill Sgt. blush.

Your words remind me of an old Eagles song called "Already Gone". There's a line that says "So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key". Like you, I have a love of animals, and the outdoors. I can no longer just throw on my overnight pack and head out to some new unseen spot in the wilderness. It's very frustrating. I once hiked across the Grand Canyon twice in one year, and now, the 100 yard walk to my mailbox leaves me fatigued most days.

You mentioned your parents, and your feeling of being chained to them. I understand they both have health problems, and although quitting smoking is a great thing, it can be a difficult thing to do, especially at first (my father was a bear for a month when he quit). You feel as though you need to be around to take care of your parents. This is not a bad thing. But, you also need to be able to make forward progress with your own life. Have you ever sat down and talked with your folks about you possibly striking out on your own, and following your own ambition and desires? What if they told you they would be OK, and could look out for each other? They sound very open minded and supportive, perhaps you need to hear them say it's OK to strike out on your own.

In regards to work. If you cannot physically work with animals in the field, maybe there is something you can do that would allow you to still be involved, but didn't require the physical abilities that you are not capable of right now. You could work for an animal rights/advocacy group, or maybe write articles and guest commentaries in animal rights/research publications. Have you ever considered going to school to become a Veterinarian?

My point is, at your age, you have many options still open to you despite your DIL. Lupus can, and will destroy the path that we have planned for ourselves and dreamed of, but that doesn't mean that there are no alternative paths. And sometimes, what we have lost to Lupus, can be replaced by people and things that are even better than what we lost.

Anyway, just some food for thought. Hang in there, and don't be too hard on yourself.

Thanks Rob. Thanks for bringing the Eagles song up. It's been a favorite of mine since before I can remember. In referance to 'We never even know we have the key', I know I have it, but I think that the problem is that I'm afraid to use it. I'm not sure why that would be. Maybe because I don't want to lose anyone, and don't know how to keep them and still leave. I realize that it might be selfish, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

My parents are VERY supportive of my opinions, but I have to keep myself still so that I can continue going to school. It's just too much stress to deal with grades. If I fail, I have to pay for college out of pocket money because my scholarships will drop me and I won't even have a pell grant. If I struck out on my own, since I don't have any money (my scholarship money is going to bills to help keep the roof over our heads and paying debts to our family) and we're living off of my dad's disability insurance. My mom wants me to go to Santa Fe community college for zoology, and I thought about being a vet, but it doesn't interest me. I could try to get a job at a zoo, but the animals carry no interest for me. I've thought about alternatives, but the only things I can come up with are zoology and photography. I'd work for a wolf-center, but they don't do the work that I want to do. I'm not trying to be picky, but most of the kind of jobs that I can do, feel like cubicle jobs for me. I even thought about getting a job at a publishing company, but my eyes have gotten really bad lately and I'm probably going to need glasses.

I'd love to strike out, and if I did, no one would here from me again because I would be in a cool area where there is plenty of natural food. I love living off of the land, since it has more nutritional value and it tastes better. I would love to find work, but because I don't have previous experience and my muscles ach often, I haven't found work. I'm not so much afraid of getting lost (although it's a reasonable fear since I have no sense of direction), but that I'd starve to death. I wanted to live in the wilderness and do photography work (maybe get them published in National Geographics and made into calanders), although I have no way to get there. I might start with buying a good camera and practice taking pictures at the park (presuming that it doesn't close) and try and go on from there. Unfortunatly, I don't think it would make enough money to get my medicines, although they are only anti-depressents. Maybe I should save up what little I can, and keep saving until I can ensure that when I get too old or damaged, I can have a reasonably peaceful life. Maybe I can save up enough to live on an island in the middle of no where and eat fish and eggs for the rest of my life.

It's hard to NOT be hard on myself because I'm getting a blood test next wednsday to check for something (the doctor didn't tell me what), but I'm hoping that I have a bad flare so that I can be re-diagnosed. Or as it now stands, an official diagnosis. The problem I have to worry about then is how to pay for that bill, the doctor's bill a week after that, and any medications that the doctor will want to test me with afterward.

Thanks for listening to my rant, and thanks even more for responding. It really helped a lot. By the way, I love your signature.

Every man dies. Not every man really lives.-William Wallace

I've gotten a lot of inspiration back. I can't express enough how happy I am to have you respond so quickly. Thanks again, and sorry for being a bother. Just needing to get it out of my system.

Nicole

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much"- Mother Teresa

Good day, Bad night-- need to rant

Forced to go to the flea market. After a few hours of regenerative sleep, my ankle and wrist hurt like heck. Won't be eating sweets for a few days either. I think the funnel cake might have made me a bit sick. I really need to find a doctor who really cares about getting rid of the pain rather than getting paid a boat load of money for not helping at all . Not depressed, but I'm tired of my joints locking when I don't move them for a while.
I seem to be ranting a lot this week, but I can't help it.

On a better note, I'm hoping to take horseback riding lessons and hoping that the pool is open so I can start swimming again. Preffer the pool to the ocean, which is kind of sad. lol
The lessons are an hour, but if you have 3 people, it's only 30 dollars each, so it's a really good deal.

Last edited by wolfwhisper; 03-27-2010 at 05:40 PM.

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much"- Mother Teresa

I know fully well about not getting the treatment you need. I was diagnosed with Lupus in Feb of 09 no meds just test for the last 13 months. Now I have cancer. We are leaving here today to go to San Antonio and the VA where they will do surgery on me. The only thing that worries me is the fact I may never be able to speak again. Never be able to tell my wife "I love you" again.

So hang in there and fight with the doctors to get what you need. I had to tell them that I was thankful that I own a boat and not an airplane. That finally got their attention.

Right now as I look behind me there is only one set for footprints in the sand. They are not mine.

Sitting on the beach drinking lemonade.
Fair wind and following seas.
David