The Impersonals

A humor 'zine from Twitter's funniest writers

You probably already know a lot about Lauren Caltagirone a.k.a. @MrsRupertPupkin. You know, for example, that she has two cats, she loves gummies and she wants a boyfriend. You know she’s hilarious. You might even know that Lauren has written for MTV’s Awkward and is currently a writer for NBC’s Guys With Kids. You know her tweets are always going to be funny and relatable.

The thing is that all of the hype is true. I’ve known Lauren for years now. She’s always been one of my favorite people to see walking through the door of a party. She is zany and witty and crazy in an ‘I’ll totally give a lap dance to a karaoke DJ’ kind of way. She’s super sweet. She’s one of those people who actually listens when you talk, remembers what you say and then asks you about it two months later. Lauren will talk about boys for hours and then whip out her phone and show you 30 photos of her cats. You can’t help but root for the girl. She might be the most loveable person on Twitter.

Here are a few of my favorite @MrsRupertPupkin tweets:

I asked @MrsRupertPupkin 10 questions. The first five are the same ones everyone gets. (See @robfee’s Twitterview from last week.) The last five were just for her. Check it:

1. What 2 things would you grab from your house during a fire?

Harris and Austin. A-duh.

2. If I forced you at gunpoint to karaoke with me, what would we sing?

I strongly dislike karaoke because I’m terrible at it. I can’t sing, I can’t dance, and I can’t spell, so I’ve decided that karaoke is annoying, dancing is lame, and spelling has absolutely no correlation to intelligence. I’m pretty good at making paper airplanes, though, and find paper airplane contests to be a better use of time and more accurate measure of overall awesomeness. Buuuuut… If you brought a gun to the Brass Monkey, I’d first wonder “When did Kendra get so into guns?” Then I’d drink an unreasonable amount of liquor before we (I need you by my side) sang “Maybe” from Annie. I love Annie. Then I’d get upset they don’t have Positive K’s “I Got a Man” because I know all the words. Yes, I know I said don’t sing, but now I’m drunk and I wanna sing songs and whine about boys and why won’t anybody hold me?

3. What Twitter person (who you haven’t met in person yet) would you most like to have dinner with?

One of my favorite tweeters (whom I’ve somehow never met even though she lives here) is @Tracy_Marq. She’s incredibly funny, absurd and uninhibited (plus she always has a lot of love for my kitties, which is just fantastic). I’ve also never met @3rdand10, who is consistently hilarious and has been one of my favorites from day one. He pretty much launched my Twitter handle by #FFing me early on, when I had like 40 followers, and I’ll never forget how much that meant to me, especially since Twitter has been hugely instrumental in my career.

4. What would you kick someone out of bed for?

Kick someone out of bed? Do you have any idea how hard it was to get him here? Um, I guess I’d boot someone who insults me, my friends, my family, my cats… but that kind of person probably wouldn’t end up in my bed in the first place. Realistically, I might stage an elaborate plan to get someone out if I had to go poo.

5. Which fictional character do you most identify with?

That’s an excellent question, and I’m not going to make a joke out of it by saying someone like fat Betty Draper, or the Man with the Yellow Hat. The first person that popped into my mind was Franny Glass (of Franny and Zooey), though I think Franny’s closer to the gal 24 year-old Lauren would identify with – exhaustingly existential, seeking some kind of spiritual advancement (snooze!).

The second character I thought of was Bridget Jones, which, whether you know me personally or from Twitter, is pretty obvious considering my love/dating/dieting woes. I think the various vices (selfishness, inflated egos, naivety, etc) represented in each of the four female characters on Lena Dunham’s “Girls” span a pretty relatable spectrum – completely universal yet utterly unique at the same time – but those are, again, aspects I (hopefully) outgrew in my twenties. I actually can’t think of a fictional character that 30 yr-old Lauren strongly identifies with. Definitely NOT Miranda.

6. Which is better: White wine with gummies or champagne out of a hollow chocolate bunny?

I feel like this is a trick question, and I will treat it as such: White wine with gummies is pretty hard to beat. If you pass by and drop a gummy into my glass of pinot gris, you’ve won my heart. Not only have the vibrant gummies enhanced the drink’s aesthetics, but they function as a reward – a treasure, if you will – for when you reach the bottom of the glass. I’m out of wine – boo. I’m onto gummies – yay. It’s that simple. Drinking champagne from a hollow chocolate bunny should be reserved for Easter Sunday. It all started at the kiddie table at my cousins’ house on Long Island circa Easter ’88 (yes, I was seven). I’m proud that we, as adult misfits on Easter Sunday, have carried on this fine tradition to Los Angeles and beyond.

7. Which orphan from Annie would you adopt if you had to adopt one of them?

I’d go for Annie and I’d make her clean my place (first the windows, then the floors). If Annie’s spoken for, I’d take Molly because she’s small and I live in a studio apartment.

8. You’re extremely well read. What classic novel do you think everyone should read at least once?

I only pretend to be well read. I’m actually a really slow reader, and I retain so little, which is incredibly frustrating. Reading, to me, is like working out. I never really want to do it, but I know it’ll make me feel good afterwards. I read a lot of scripts and random articles but really have to push myself to pick up any non-fluff, long-form prose. I reread “Lolita” a while back and was incredibly moved – it’s so funny and twisted all at once – that I decided to go on a Nabokov bender, borrowing “Laughter in the Dark” from a friend, and ordering “Pnin” from Amazon. I have yet to finish/start either one. I’m a failure.

9. Who is smarter, Harris or Austin? Who is cuter?

Austin is very outgoing, Harris is very shy, and they’re both insanely soft. Harris has the cutest face I’ve ever seen – warm and gentle. Austin is a rascal, and looks very wild – his black and gray coloring is almost tribal-like. They’re cute in different ways, but the cutest together when they snuggle. I’m sorry. What was the question?

10. Everyone on Twitter is in love with you. (Shut up, Lauren, they are!) What does a guy have to do to be your boyfriend?

Your lies are sweet. : ) I want all the obvious things in a boyfriend -compassion, intelligence, sense of humor, TONS of money… I like a man who’ll take control, a man who knows what he wants, an ambitious and brave man. Beyond that, I’m attracted to many different kinds of people, but I’m not always a great judge of character when it comes to dating: The last guy I had strong, fast feelings for was funny, charming, and spontaneous. We had amazing chemistry, and though he wasn’t conventionally handsome (goofy looking fella), I was very attracted to him, but he would find ways to build me up and cut me down, and I left each date feeling really emotional and crazy (more so than normal, which is a LOT). I don’t know how intentional it was, whether he was a legitimate narcissist or just a jerk brushing up on the tactics he learned from “The Game,” but either way, I realized the “butterflies” I was feeling were actually pangs of sanxiety (sadness + anxiety), not excitement, and I’m grateful that I walked away after three dates and not three months or three years.

Somehow, though, it’s really difficult not to use that type of experience as a barometer for the next guy, which isn’t always healthy either: I recently found find myself justifying a 4th and 5th date with someone I wasn’t all that excited about because, hey, at least he doesn’t make me feel like shit, right? So yeah, I’m not sure there’s an answer to this question. I want to believe in the whole “when you know, you know” stuff, but sometimes when I think I know, it turns out I’m just really sleepy.

How awesome is @MrsRupertPupkin?!! I have a couple of thoughts. I strongly feel that Lauren and @tracy_marq need to meet. Especially because I’m stalking Tracy’s cat Sleater-Kitty on Instagram and I think there should be an arranged marriage between Sleater-Kitty and @VerifiedHarris. (I’m thinking tiny kitty bowties and veils.) Also, Franny is a great choice but the Bridget Jones thing made me snort with delight. (Lauren is much cooler than Bridget Jones but still.) Also also, can someone please introduce this girl to a nice guy? Please?! Until then, I’ll keep dropping gummies into her wine glass.