Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received this letter from a man in Massachusetts. We’ll call him Gary.

I just turned 39 this July. I got married to a woman in 1995. We just got divorced in February of this year.

While married to this woman, two beautiful children were born to us — or so I thought. The oldest just turned six in May. The youngest will turn three in August.

One night in July of 2007, I came home to find my wife speaking with another man in my home late at night. Of course the reasons for him being there were all phony, as I later discovered. Anyway, uncomfortable with that situation, I decided to do some investigating. It turns out there were phone records and txt messages logged on my cell phone bill, which led me to believe she was having an affair. When approached, she denied it, and the started making me think like I was crazy. When I approached the now “boyfriend,” he also denied it.

I did further investigation, and through my own methods, got more information than any man might hope to get regarding my situation.

I had reasons to believe or suspect that it was possible that one or both of my children may not be mine. It turns out she was having an affair with at least two other men at the same time she was married to me. One of these relationships actually spans (at best guess) 10 years of this 12-13 year marriage. (13 Years, because the court dragged it out another year.)

Left the marital home

After receiving my information, and more outright lies from my wife, I left the marital home in August of 2007. We were still amicable over the children at first. Not knowing what to do, I wanted to get DNA testing to prove if in fact the children were mine. I could not do that. As soon as I tried, I got a protective order placed against me. After that I did choose not to see the children, due to the circumstances around the protective order, for several months. I was not going to be humiliated trying to visit with the children in a police station or whatever it was they wanted me to do.

During that time, I stopped paying the mortgage as I could no longer afford it. I had to close down my business (just me) and take a job with a customer of mine because I couldn’t function correctly, let alone try to run a business. I also had no option but to move in with my parents in a 55 or older mobile home community. I also ended up going through a personal bankruptcy.

She subsequently filed for divorce, and I had to hire an attorney. With the information I had, I thought when I went to court to ask for the paternity test it would be granted. Wrong! Upon reconsideration, my motion was denied, as her attorney argued case law and the presumption.

It’s important to note, while in front of another judge (one of the six) she stated that she was on vacation when our case was first heard and she WOULD have allowed the paternity test — if for no other reason a medical one. One of the things I was hoping for!

Signed the stipulation

In January of 2008, a stipulation was crafted by my wife’s attorney outside of the courtroom. The stipulation stated that she would agree to paternity testing based on one of the three possible outcomes. 1) Neither child is the husband’s. In this case, the child support I was paying would cease and become “Alimony” at the same rate as the child support guidelines for six years. Outcomes 2 and 3 were if I was the father of one or both. (Those outcomes did not happen).

Under extreme duress, yet of “free will” and as emotional as that fiasco was, I signed the stipulation with my lawyer present. Big mistake!

I at the time believed the youngest probably wasn’t mine and the oldest most likely was. (I mean after all I was married to her for 12 years!)

It was around February of 2008 when I did finally see the children again, yet before the DNA test results were in, because of what I heard the oldest boy had said. I guess he looked out the window one afternoon, while at his great-grandmother’s home and said, “I miss my daddy,” and started to cry. After hearing that, I was an emotional wreck for two days and could not even leave the house because my eyes were so welled up.

Upon seeing them again, I was greeted by my first name by the oldest, and the youngest, who wasn’t even walking when I had stopped seeing them, came over and put his arms up to be held. You can imagine how I felt. (Or can you?)

Not the father

When the test results came back, I was notified that I was the father of neither child. It turns out they actually have two different fathers! One is now currently paying child support and is the biological father, and unbeknown to me, was actually visiting the oldest child at the marital home on occasion, whether he knew if it was his boy or not, I do not know.

The second child, I believe is of her current boyfriend, though they denied all that in court. I have proof I can’t use, due to how I obtained it.

As soon as I had left the marital home, in August of 07, her boyfriend basically moved right in and I was effectively and immediately replaced.

After the results of the DNA tests were in, I chose not to see the children. A sad, devastating decision, yet one that I feel had to be made.

As soon as I knew I wasn’t the biological father of either child, I knew who was. She went after the first father, as their relationship ended due to all this, and is living with the father of the second child.

Paying alimony

My attorney was completely useless, and I felt like I was always making suggestions as to how to approach this entire case. She allowed me to sign the stipulation in my emotional condition and was useless to try to come up with a plan to somehow seek my answers another way.

Fast forwarding, I stopped paying any money to my wife after finding out what happened. As far as I am concerned the stipulation was fraudulent. I, of course, was then in contempt of not paying, and back in court again, another judge (another one of the six) stated she wasn’t going to find me in contempt and believed I deserved my day in court.

Other judges that we were in front of did not like the agreement, and expressed concern over securing alimony as it was presented.

I subsequently asked my attorney to withdraw — and I still owe her $5000.

The final judge to hear the trial found that I should be bound to the stipulation and pay the $225/week alimony payment for six years. That was issued Feb. 2009. I have of course have not paid any money, which I did state at one point to the judge that I would rather sit in jail than give her one red cent.

June 17th 2009 was my contempt hearing date. I had filed a motion of relief from the judgment, hoping the judge will be convinced that it was fraud, or at the very least “innocent misrepresentation,” as means to find relief on my behalf. But the judge didn’t receive it by June 17th, and when I went to court, I ended up going to jail for the day. I was content staying jail, although my boss saw things differently, and by the end of the day, I contacted him from jail to help me get out which he did. So I now pay the $225/week for six years.

Ex-wife is sociopath

I have not seen the children in more than a year. I don’t know if I’ll ever see them again.

To give you some insight into my reasoning, my thoughts are as follows. This is a toxic situation, thanks to my ex-wife, who I now know is a sociopath. No sorry, no nothing. She could care less about anybody’s feelings in this matter. My parents, no longer grandparents, two other families have grandchildren they didn’t know they had.

The oldest has been exposed to at least three men in his short life, and needs as much stability as possible. His father does have visitation. The youngest was only 1.5 years old when I stopped seeing him and has been with his father since I left so it is unlikely he will remember or know who I am. Who would I be referred to as? The emotional anguish is just too much to bear.

She is about to be evicted from the marital home and I guess she is going to live with the boyfriend, the youngest child’s father.

I have nothing to say to my ex-wife, nothing to say to either father, although I had held out hope that the oldest child’s father would be reasonable enough to at least let me know how he is doing, but no luck so far.

Think about the children

As far as I go, houseless, wifeless, and kid-less, bankrupt, and drunk most nights (I rarely used to drink). I just got my first OUI in November of this past year.

I got kicked out of my parent’s home because I’m not 55 or older after living there for a year. (Park rules) I now rent a basement apartment not far from where my parents live, although it is 100 mile round trip commute to get to and from work.

I think about the children every day, occasionally cry over them because I am left with the perception of how at least the oldest child feels and thinks — only because I am an adult. I pray both of the children will be OK. I, on the other hand, have to live with this for the rest of my days on this planet. I never know when I will be overcome with sadness over what should have been or missing them. I am always reminded when I see an infant or a toddler with his Dad of how life was and was supposed to be. Now devastated, I have to some how rebuild, start over with less than nothing, and dare I say maybe have kids of my own someday. Who knows?

People say, why don’t you just pay the money — at least you have your freedom? Unfortunately, if I have to pay this money I am not free. A freedom I never even knew was taken away when the presumption was instituted or accepted so many years ago.

And in the middle of this ridiculous situation are two beautiful children, robbed of man who could have given them the moral beliefs I share, and the good things this life has to offer. I fear I have done all I can and my best for them. I got them the truth, something they were unable to get for themselves, and something other unscrupulous individuals should have done for them a long time ago.

Move forward slowly

It is important to note: when I went to get some counseling due to all this, in my first meeting the therapist said, “It sounds like the woman you’ve been married to has no conscience, and those people can’t be helped.”

After hearing this, and of course believing that everyone could be helped, I went on the computer and did a search on “people without a conscience” That led me to your site almost two years ago. After reading the material you’ve compiled, every switch, light, thought and thing that happened that didn’t make sense at the time over the years with this woman, all made complete and utter sense. Now, I believe one of the only things that have helped me though this nightmare is knowing what I didn’t know before. Knowing there is nothing I could have done before, and nothing that can be done now to help or fix this situation. It just the way it is and I somehow have to move forward albeit very, very slowly.

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Comment on this article

I’m so sorry you qualify to be here, but you are in a good place to begin healing because of the incredible people who are here.

When I came to LoveFraud in March of this year, I was pretty much at the end of my rope; but now, I’m slowly getting my life moving again. And there was a time not too long ago when I didn’t think that was possible, and I was considering ending my life. Posting here and receiving honest compassion and down-to-earth advice has turned my internal landscape around. I’ve recently started attending Al-Anon meetings (for those whose lives are affected by relatives who drink), and the people there are also excellent — though I wouldn’t have been in a receptive place for it, if it weren’t for reading, reading, reading here at LoveFraud.

I cannot imagine the depth of your loss, and I am truly deeply sorry for all you are going through. I do know what it’s like to suddenly find yourself waving ‘goodbye’ to the life you’d planned, and negotiating living the life you didn’t plan.

Please take care of yourself! (It’s worth it, even when you don’t quite believe it yet.)

All the best,
Betty

August 6, 2009 6:55 pm

justgotburned

Welcome Gary. I have not posted anything on here in several months but this is a great group to help you sort things out. For those that don’t recognize my name, I was in a relationship most of 2008 with what I later found to be a very cunning sociopath. Once I caught on to what was going on, she had already gotten me for over $12,000 (very cheap when I consider where it would have all headed had things not been discovered until later). That doesn’t even begin to compare to all the other things I was dealing with as a result. Through a great deal of research and support from friends and this site in particular, life is pretty much back to normal. While there is still a plan to recoup the financial losses (she had not worked in nearly a year but is now generating income). The true beauty here is that emotionally I feel very much healed…there were so many avenues I considered taking in the past, but many were just being spiteful to get back at that person….thank goodness I was a bigger person than that. The most amazing thing about the entire experience is that I can now look in from a distance to see what the S is up to, and lo and behold, her entire life has been reinvented overnight.

Anyway, I drift into other things sometimes….for those of you who are new here, confused and/or depressed…from my perspective, this site and the people who participate, make for the best therapy you could ask for, not to mention…it’s quite affordable as well. I will make it a point to get here more frequently to try to help just like those that helped me get out of my funk.

August 6, 2009 9:00 pm

neveragain

gary, I can’t imagine your pain. You did all you could for the boys. You need to take care of yourself first now. It is so hard to walk away from the kids I know. You loved them, no matter what. It sounds like the legal system screwed you over too. Unfortunately, that is not that rare. I’m so sorry. Please keep reading here and post if you can.You didn’t deserve this. It was not your fault.

August 6, 2009 9:59 pm

Ox Drover

Dear Gary,

What a nightmare you lived through!!! I’m also sorry that you “qualify” for “membership in our club” but as I think you know already if you have read here for a long time, it is a very supportive and caring group of people.

It sounds to me like you are making progress (none of us make FAST progress!) but the drinking to excess is probably not the greatest of ways to ‘forget” painful memories. At least you do recognize that though, so that in itself is a good sign.

Losing a child regardless of any or no blood relationship is very painful, and no doubt if any kids needed a stable influence in their lives those two sound like they do. All any of us can do for them though is to pray for them. For you , I imagine that must be hurtful because you dont’ sound like a man who gives his love and then takes it back.

I’m actually suprised that the paternity PRESUMPTION because you were married at their birth didn’t prevail and that even if you were NOT the biological father, you were the legal father. In my state (and some others) that is the case no matter WHO the “sperm donor” was.

I am so sorry that you suffered such trauma, but I’m also glad you landed here. Welcome! God bless.

August 6, 2009 10:11 pm

Jen2008

This is so sad, not only for Gary, but also for the poor little children who have been raised by him and know him as Daddy, and now have lost that stability and don’t have him in their lives anymore. Sad sad situation.

Gary said: “People say, why don’t you just pay the money ”“ at least you have your freedom? ”

Gary, when it comes to that alimony, although yeah being free of her is most important, paying alimony under the conditions you are paying it would really be pissing me off if I were you (and I am sure it is you too).

So, frankly, if I were you I think since most sociopaths are impulsive and irresponsible and alot of them like to drink the booze, “I” would be hoping, wishing, and praying up a storm that she and her new boyfriend drink one too many (preferably during a trip to Vegas) and impulsively get married in The Chapel of Love by an Elvis Impersonator. Then bye bye alimony. But being the nice person I am, after the alimony was terminated, I might break down and buy her a copy of the local newspaper and even be nice enough to highlight a few jobs in the classified section for her before tossing it on her front porch. But hey, that’s just me! Good luck Gary, and welcome to LoveFraud. –Jen

Gary,
So very sorry for your situation. This is a very caring, genuine, loving bunch of folks who have been there. You have been led to the right place.
I was in denial for many years when the red flags were waving all over the place. Because I was so addicted to him, I ignored the obvious, forgiving many affairs and blatant signs of a lack of conscience. I finally had to face the fact that I had wasted 42 years of my life believing things were one way when in reality they were another. I had to accept that he didn’t love me, never had, and that I needed to move forward. Today, I can look back but not stare, and realize it was God’s grace that kept me from permanently falling apart.
I cannot imagine finding out that my children were not my children. You have been through a personal Holocaust. My prayers are with you that you will be tenderly carried to the other side, and there IS another side.
We will never be the same, but there is a new normal.
God Bless You as You Move into the Future In His Arms.

August 6, 2009 11:08 pm

PInow

some of us got out with few months or few years of living in deceit. It is heart breaking to read Gary’s story: so many years lost to what seemed normal. I am sorry that the legal system was not there for you. We do need an attorney here. Someone who understands the legal issues that accompany so many of our breakups. Matt has been a great source of meaningful advise. Perhaps, he’ll read your story and share his views. I can’t imagine the turmoil the oldest boy must have gone through, finding out that his Daddy isn’t his and can no longer be a part of his life. And I cannot imagine the court system that would have allowed alimony under these circumstances. Have you read the book on Legal Abuse?
I got it but did not find it to be an easy read. Perhaps, I will give it another try. Stick around, Gary, but drinking will only get you sadder and less able to cope. It only numbs the pain, but does not make it go away. I have stopped drinking all together because under stress, buzz intensifies these emotions. And – we all need to function, because we are the responsible ones. Right?

August 6, 2009 11:36 pm

ANewLily

Gary, I put off writing to you after reading your story because I thought “later” I might have some comforting words.

I’m glad the previous posters have done that because all I have to offer is my DEEP PAIN for you and the two children. I care and promise to pray for you.

August 7, 2009 12:28 am

Brilhancy

Gary

As ANewLily I might have some words later. I know there are no words that will diminish your pain. The only thing I can say…do not stop trusting. In here there so many great people you can trust and really care about you, even if we do not know you. It is your human nature, your kindness your suffering,your honesty and your love for those two little boys that make us love you so much. Our prayers and our thoughts are with you. Keep coming back because you will find all the strength you need in here.. There are many people here who would be able to provide words of comfort to you.

Be strong and do not loose faith

August 7, 2009 1:03 am

hens

Gary This may not offer any comfort but a quotethat I really like is ‘ Sometimes we have to be willing to let go of the life we had planned and start living the life that is waiting on us’ my suggestion is to stop numbing your pain – I did that for months and it just seemed to keep me stagnant – I think the boys will be in your life again….

August 7, 2009 1:10 am

Stayingsane

Gary
Well I dont know what to say except your world has been tipped upside down, turned on its head in every way concievable. Thank God you have the ‘real version’ now, and I think taking things step by careful step is the way to keep going slowely…because so much has to be adjusted to fit this new version.
The emotional overwhelm I can only barely imagine and I end up shaking my head in confusion just thinking about it…what it must be like to be emotionally in the middle of ?? where would you start? blotting it out for a while with drink sounds totally acceptable to me….i know its not the answer but its impossible to stay conscious of that amount of turmoil all at once without going mad…as Henry says numbing the pain keeps it STAGNANT…and really this stuff needs to move inch by inch so you are getting the experience of travelling through it…It’s not you…its not your indentity.. its a life situation you survived…you are okay, you are breathing, alive, in one piece and from there take a look around…you are still a very powerful person with choices and now with incredible experience of living through the impossible…And that’s what those 2 little boys will need later on…to see you, learn from you and love you still no matter what.

August 7, 2009 5:15 am

learnthelesson

Dear Gary,

May you continue to find peace and comfort and healing with your family and friends and faith…

I was brought to tears reading about your journey. You seem to be such a strong soul who has faced the reality of your exwife’s illness and made decisions that were best and RIGHT FOR YOU…

The first step in the healing process is to embrace yourself and never let go of what is important to you in life, love and happiness.

I look forward to the day that you share in your posts how healing and going forward brings peace and comfort and resolution/closure to you through the process of going forward with your life and dreams…

Yes you were a father figure to them, and they will forever hold a special place in your heart, but you were also a righteous, true, honest man for them. You likely gave them one of the few truthes they may ever have in their “family” life..

My prayers and well wishes for your future to have clarity and strength to rebuild a new and wonderful life for yourself. There is no hurry, one day at a time, we are all here for you and support you on your journey.

God bless you. Take care of yourself. Help yourself or seek help in beginning to choose to “put the bottle down,” -dont want you to miss out on your future.. please keep sharing your journey with us, it will help you and so many others to see your strength and challenges.

You have landed in a place where truth, trust, honesty and friendship abounds. You are safe here to be yourself and reach out to LF members for support anytime day or night… you are going to make it!!!!!

August 7, 2009 6:50 am

Gary

Wow! I can’t believe the kindness in your posts, I have only cried about the children not about my situation, but reading your posts and seeing your compassion for someone you don’t even know is humbling and appreciated, and reading actually brought me to tears.

It’s funny, you don’t know anything about what inner strengths you may posses until you’re pushed to the limit. During my struggles, and when I first decided to visit the children before the paternity tests, I wrote a little story about a tree with pictures in an attempt to draw analogy to explain to the the oldest boy what happened, and I actually got to read it to him. I realized after reading it to him, it could use some tweaking for a younger child, but none the less I hope he still has it. Maybe I’ll post it for you all to read.

Also, through out all this I have never even dwelled on the fact that I lost my wife. No tears for her, and I do not miss her, she was fake. I miss my home life and the children. The children were real and innocent and I was ecstatic being a father to them.

As far as my drinking goes, like I said I never drank except at a wedding or some event. Or a glass or two of wine on a night out to dinner. Problem is I ended up going to the local places I now live near, and guess what, you end up making friends with people who drink, so guess what we make plans to do? Go out and drink. It is a situation I never planned in being part of, but it is what it is and I recognize my problem, I just need to do something about it.

One other note that occurred to me during all this. After we were married, we never went to church. I wasn’t consistent, but before I got married I did go to church, and earlier in my life I went frequently with my parents, and then my dad. Luckily I still have both my parents and sometimes I get upset about them seeing whats happened to their son over the past two years. Anyway as the oldest was getting older, I was planning on taking him to church, I figured we needed to start somewhere, but I never got that chance. Maybe his father can find a way to get him there. But the Church thing kind of rings true with all the crap thats happened here.

Oh yeah, one other thing: one of the posts mentioned hoping she gets remarried in las vegas and then alimony goes away. To that, I understand she was engaged before our divorce was final, but again lied about it in court and even if she does get married, I still have to pay. If I die, my bankrupt ass still owes this money, if she dies, I still owe the money. It is the way the stipulation was written, luckily it is for a fixed amount over the next six years (now down to 65 thousand dollars)

I did start working out when all this went down to redirect anger to something positive, and I did loose 35lbs and changed my entire diet. I now need to pay for another year at the gym, but again paying her is impacting other things I need and want to be doing so we will see what happens.

Another thing on the sociopath stuff, this was the conversation at the court house, but outside the court room when this foolish agreement was crafted. I did not want to sign the agreement the way it was written and I said to my wife “How long is this going to go on for?” Her attorney responded, “May I remind you, you have a restraining order against you.” I told him “You sir can goto hell” Then my sister got involved and spoke up, (i can type what she said to my ex and she ended up with a restraining order too!!!!!), but the point is my ex-wife responded to my sister with the following while sitting next to her mother, and in front of me, my mother and sister “Why don’t you go and do more coke with your brother!” I looked at my sister and was completely blown away. I never have done drugs so she was just making things up to paint me as the bad guy, moreover, anyone she tells this stuff to includes me doing drugs, dating strippers while I was married. Absolutely horrifying! I know she wasn’t able to convince everyone, but here is what I will take to my grave. I was faithful to her the entire time I knew and was married to her, never cheated, no drugs, no strippers. I just worked my butt off to make everything work. When I stood in front of the Priest at the Alter and said “I do”, I meant it!

I’ll post more as I go on here, and people thank you so so much for your prayers, thoughts and concerns. And I to am sorry for the nonsense you fine folks have had to deal with in your own lives!!

Now I want to leave you with something I found very funny – I was looking for a father’s day card for my dad this past fathers day and bought him a card that said this: (On the cover) Dad, thank you for making me who I am today! (On the inside) The perfect guest on the Jerry Springer Show!

– I have to tell you I laughed my ass off when I read that!!

Take care all!
Things have to get better!! 🙂

August 7, 2009 11:11 am

learnthelesson

Dear Gary,

IMHO making weekly alimony payments to her is an injustice – based upon the misuse and abuse and deceitfulness of the entire marital “contract” — not to mention parental betrayal. But having your freedom and ability to live your life in truth and in the real world is priceless!

Your card to your father was pretty comical (thank goodness you can find your sense of humor again!)

And regarding mourning the loss of your exwife, based upon what you have shared with regard to your commitment and loyalty to the relationship — if ever you needed to or wanted to allow yourself time to process the loss – (tears included) – it may be beneficial to you. Maybe you dont ever need to go there…but just know it can sometimes help and be beneficial to grieve the loss of the person you thought she was.

But again you sound strong about grasping her true colors and all the reasons why you chose to remove yourself from her toxic ways.

Good for you for focusing on your health, exercise and being aware that you need to do something about too much drinking…

Your optimism is good…its a long road….there will be setbacks and triumphs – stay focused – accept and allow yourself to go through all the feelings you have (good and bad) and continue to grow and learn about yourself and others…life will be good to you…It does get better!

ps. Happy Belated Birthday! You have your whole life ahead of you, and your parents must be so very proud of you as the role model of a father/caregiver you were and as a real man!

Take care!

August 7, 2009 12:47 pm

Ox Drover

Dear Gary,

I thnk most of us would make “perfect Springer guests” and it is so difficult for people in our lives that haven’t been close enough to SEe for themselves the EVIL of the psychopaths to really acctept that our stories are TRUE!!!!

You mentioned church, and I can tell you that my own personal spiritual and religious views have changed so much for the BETTER. Hanging out with folks at church rather than in bars with drinkers gives you a better chance of finding nicer people, but—there are some Ps in churches too, so be aware that a P can pop up anywhere!!!!

Stay around and read and learn and blog….this is a great place for when we feel good or when we feel down….accepting and believing people!!!

August 7, 2009 1:17 pm

Tilly

Dear Gary,
I would love to see your story of the tree with pictures. I am sure one day you will have your own genuine family again and you will write other stories for your own BIOLOGICAL kids.
In the meantime, get off the grog, look at the money you give as the price you have to pay to get away from the psychopath and try to start to be willing to be willing to start to detatch (i. e. let go )of the oldest child. The youngest one will probably have forgotten you by now. They will probably poison the oldest’s one’s mind against you.
Your biggest step is to recover and whilst you are doing it read the archives here so that you don’t fall into the same trap over and over again (like I did), for your whole life.
When MATT gets back he will have some advice for you on what to do legally. He is a lawyer and on your side (genuinely).He will give you free advice.
In the meantime, you don’t need a gym to get fit. Come to Lovefraud everyday and the pieces will slowly start to fit and you will get help here when you hit a roadblock.
We have ALL been where you are in one way or another. KEEP COMING BACK!

August 7, 2009 4:58 pm

Trla

Dear Gary,
What hurts my heart the most, is when I read about the kids. I can feel your pain as well.
Also, when I think about the kids, I know the likelihood of them becoming sociopaths themselves is the most probable outcome. Hopefully by the grace of God, they will be spared.
I do not have any words of wisdom to help you through this pain. I cannot imagine that pain. My experience is having a daughter that is a sociopath. That is my pain. I suffer from the “what ifs” and “should haves”. I know you are suffering from those as well. These can be the most damaging thoughts when trying to move forward. As you mentioned in your letter, “Knowing there is nothing I could have done before, and nothing that can be done now to help or fix this situation.” These are going to be your own words to help you heal. Good Luck to you in your continued healing.

August 11, 2009 7:42 am

Aeylah

Gary:
I’m so sorry for your pain. You trully lived an illusionary life with the wife and children. The childrens emotional well being is the saddest of all because they will surly grow up with a slew of emotional problems as a resulst of their S mother. You have to find a way to detach so you can heal.

I have a suggestion regarding your need for social and physical outings outside the bar. Dont discount it, but consider Ballroom dancing. Dancing is an excellent way to excersise and get some endorphins in your brain, all while socializing. Ballroom gives you the opportunity to be in a social atmosphere, dance and get to meet new people. Take lessons, they are well worth the effort, and money. Seriously, the people that attend the dances are not alcoholics, or drug users, and fun to be with.

Good luck, and keep positive,

August 11, 2009 12:50 pm

neveragain

Hiking with a group is great too, or volunteering at an animal shelter, a retarded children’s home, helping others heal is healing.

August 11, 2009 3:07 pm

AKA Bob

Gary, welcome to all of our nightmares. You did what you can do. These leeches do not go away. Their sense of entitlement is sickening. I just received my second court order (my first motion) last week. My S has been ordered to pay childrens’ expenses (I have majority custody – uninsured medical expenses, childcare, other extraordinary expenses). Talked to my attorney for the first time since order was issued today. I owe over $20,000 in legal for a $5,700 judgement in my favor, expenses she legal was obligated to reimburse me for before I took her to court. The reality, she’s is not going to pay me what the ordered unless I go back to court and pay lots of $$$ to get a legal demand against her. I am convinced that she will attempt to bleed me bankrupt by requiring more court proceedings seeking her payment.

She countermotioned the removal of our parenting counsultant, seeking a “fresh, new consultant” who isn’t biased against her. The reality is that the consultant knows she is a S, the kids therapists know she is a S. She knows that they know. She wants to drop them and start fresh, this is what S’s do. Fortunately, this idiot judge was smart enough to deny her motion for the consultant’s removal. He and the therapists are my defense against this conscienseless woman.

Hang in Gary, its a tough road but you will strenghten and prevail in the long run. I am sorry to hear about your story.

August 11, 2009 3:15 pm

Blindsided

Gary, as the others have posted here — you are at the right place — to begin your healing. My heart was just ripped apart reading your story. The empathy at LF is the best thing about it. EVERYBODY here has been hurt by someone (very badly) ”“ so, you are not alone. That gave me some comfort, knowing I was not alone in what turned out to be (just like yours) a nightmare. My story is very much like yours; unfortunately, the “search” utility on the LF website does not function very well. If you searched for my posting(s) under my log in name (Blindsided) you get nothing. Suffice it to say that our situations were very similar ”“ except that my ex bought a house 1 block from me and has lived there with her 4th husband for the last 3 years. Imagine (you) seeing your ex wife everyday (with your 2 boys) driving by your home every single day. It just makes the healing that much harder.

Everyone has to take their own path ”“ and heal at their own pace. You do not know how long that is going to take; but it takes a long time. In my case, a wonderful, caring relationship with an empathetic woman has helped me to turn around and heal more and more each day. Unfortunately, what happened to me has altered me as a human being, i.e”.”I will never get married again” ”“ and- If I were to learn my ex has been killed in an auto accident I would be, totally, non-plussed. I would not care one whit. I NEVER USED TO BE THAT WAY.

These are just 2 of the ways that I have been altered forever. If you are interested in reading my post, please leave your e-mail address and I will forward it. Best of luck and my prayers are with you, brother.

August 11, 2009 4:00 pm

Jewels

Welcome, Gary

I read your article and the comments – you are in a healing and safe place here, with people who all have “variations on the theme” as to backstory.

IMO, all you can do is keep on keeping on – and when it’s hard to get out of bed, you just DO it anyway. I know it’s a b**** to get stuck paying money to some SLIMEBALL for children that aren’t even yours. I had that suspicion about my guy’s littlest one – BUT, we live in WA state and the LAW takes the view that IF the child was born to parents who were married at the time, the LAW considers them ‘product of the union” – hence, they say “you ARE responsible….” – I wanted my guy to have his little boy DNAtested for paternity, but he dragged his feet and wouldn’t do it – I don’t think he WANTED to know (IF) that the child might not be his – his NOW EX-NPD wife was sleeping with anything that MOVED, except her husband (well except that ONCE – make-up sex and she KNEW she was ovulating…she’s bragged about knowing ‘just when it happens” to several people in her “chats” – so I questioned whether or not the little boy was even his to begin with.

Matt – who posts on here when he’s not ‘stomping’ out fires (cleaning up the mess HIS narcissopath left him with – is an attorney, and has offered to help with advice as to the LEGAL linchpins that so much of our “recovering” depends upon – maybe he’ll pop in here with some general advice on your situation. I only know how it works here in WA state, as I said.

In fact, I married a guy in 1992, two kids, never married the mother; the oldest DOES look just like him, but when I saw the younger boy, I immediately ‘KNEW” that the child wasn’t his – I asked then-hubby “say, who was hanging around back in the day, when the younger was conceived?” He mentioned a few guy friends and acquaintances whom I knew from “our crowd” – as soon as he said one guy’s name, it clicked – yeppers, the youngest looks JUST like that guy…

I was working as a dental office manager in SeaWA – had been there for two yrs, at the time I married ‘the loser’ – WA state DID have, at that time, a COMMUNITY property assumption of, NOT the prior debts of the partner, but apparently I assumed the role of Step-mom once I’d married him. long story short, Div of Child Support began garnishing my checks to cover HIS child support for the boys; in fact, their mother was going to obtain a modification for MORE CS, because I was bringing home more money than “the loser” hubby (!)

Needless to say, my boss (DDS), who was VERY “pay your bills on time” made it known to me that she really wasn’t happy about the fact that “I’d gotten myself into a mess like this (! ?? ).” Um yeah – no “spit” – I didn’t know the state could come after the new spouse for the kids, born out of wedlock, to a flakey kinda gal (I’m being kind) – and take MY hard earned money, when I had a child of my OWN to support, and HER Dad NEVER EVER paid a DIME…

UPSHOT: WA state has since repealed that stupid-assed law; BUT, I legally separated from the loser, “we” filed bankruptcy – to get the garnishment stopped; but my days as a dental office manager were numbered, and then OVER.

Just like that, my education was for naught; I was blackballed, because a dental office manager, discussing payment plans and insurance coverages with patients, taking payments, and handling the deposits at the bank, gets credit checks run on them when applying for a new job!

And the garnishment AND the bankruptcy led potential employers to believe I was financially irresponsible.

But the loser didn’t care; HE didn’t buck up and get a better paying job so HE could handle his OWN “chit” –

So I feel your pain…been there, done that, and have the T-shirt…

but all that crap is 14 years behind me; I’m picking up my last bit of Community College credits, for transfer to 4 yr University; having seen and experience firsthand just how the legal system AND LAWYERS
(Matt is the exception which proves the rule!)
screw fathers over, stalling, delaying, and dragging stuff out for the financial benefit of attorneys, my plan is to get a double Bachelor’s – Psychology and Criminal Justice and to become a Guardian ad Litem ( some states use the ; I also would like to see the WA state ‘Mandatory Parenting class” that all parents MUST take as part of the dissolution process here, UNIFIED. There are so many half-assed “classes” people merely have to sit in for an hour or two, get a note, and can claim they “learned something” – If I can intern at the AG’s office for a year – or be a “project manager” specifically to work out ONE unified class, take it statewide, TRAIN the TRAINERS to all the same info and standards, I believe I will have made a positive, constructive difference. Let’s HOPE…

Anyway, keep coming back – someone is always here for you…and read what’s posted between your “reads” – there are pearls to be found here, and you sometimes have to split the oyster to get to them….

~jewels~

August 12, 2009 3:56 am

Jewels

whoops – I lost half a sentence “Guardian ad Litem ( some states use the -” should read “term special advocate” – which is essentially the same “job” – sry – “BAD FINGERS, BAD BAD BAD!!!” – I just blame it on this funky keyboard, perched in my lap, and UNDER the desk-in the dark! – YEAH, that’s it…

August 12, 2009 4:03 am

terriecollins

Gary,
Although I have not posted on this site my experience with a sociopath. I do monitor and read the stories wrote by others on here.
You have come to the right place! I may not be able to give you advice. You may never forget what has happened, But for me time has helped to ease the pain. I hope it does for you to.

August 12, 2009 4:11 am

Ox Drover

Dear Terriecollins,

I am so glad that you have been here reading and learning, and also glad that you introduced yourself to the rest of us. KNOWLEGE=POWER, and just posting to Gary, showing that you CARE is more than you will ever know as support.

Part of the bestthing I think about LF is that people can relate to each other. I’m glad you are here and I hope in the future you will post more. Welcome!!!! God bless.