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Generating Crank: Or the Joy of Online Relationships

So, Betsy’s cutting the cord, leaving us to our own devices. People have been writing wonderful things on her blog about how the conversation has helped them be freaks in their own lives and to write, write, write. All I could do is squint my eyes and say “feh.” I guess I’m not so great at goodbyes either. One of the best goodbyes I ever received was when [name redacted, but I want you to imagine a nice southern lady with whom I worked] came up to me and called me a rat fink the day after I gave notice. (So, Betsy, you’re a rat fink.)

One of the narratives behind being gay (trans, bi, queer, etc.) is that you always knew you were different. Alison Bechdel has a great line in one of her Dykes to Watch Out For books where her character (Mo) is telling her coming out story and says “I always knew I was different, first I thought it was because I was smarter.” Another way of saying it is I’ve heard people say that they were queer long before they were gay.

This is true for writers, and lots of other people, no matter what their sexual orientation. Wherever you live, you might not have much exposure to writers, or gay people, or [insert your queerness here]. This is the fantastic thing about the Internet. I have real conversations about writing and editing with real people (you guys are real, right?) across the country and around the world. You guys fucking rock.

Always, always an odd duck. I can pass for normal, but there must be something about reading too much that changes us genetically.
One time fairly recently I was talking with my oldest friend about it. She just got her yogi degree (or whatever you call that) and when she was studying chakras she figured out that I am backwards. When asked to explain this unrequested bit of fascinating psychoanalysis, she informed me that I was overloaded in the higher chakras and as far as she could assess (considering we’ve known each other since I was four…) I was almost devoid in the lower ones. I tried to argue that that couldn’t possibly be right until she explained what they meant, and then, well, yeah, it pretty much nailed me.
Most people have the base of the lower ones and then strive for the upper, but I was sort of born thinking about the upper stuff (read: obsessing/anxiety-prone about things that shouldn’t remotely have occurred to me as a younger me, and have no foundation.