Thursday, May 7, 2015

Lately, I've been engaged in sketch-writing in a group. In this case, the group's target was "personification of inanimate objects" and this is what I came up with. I tried very hard to not be a huge nerd, and it didn't work out as well as I'd hoped. So, not wanting it to go to waste, and this being the Internet, I figured I'd put it here. Which, actually, is pretty much indistinguishable from wasting it. Hey, I learned TWO things!

CASTHypervisor – the overseer Firewall – the muscle Fileserver – a Buick trunk full of merch Monitoring – how does that make you feel?Experimental – the test subject

[inside a computer machine]

HYPERVISOR

Hellooooo, network! I’m The Hypervisor; emcee, bouncer and liaison all in one chassis. Let me introduce the gang!

FILESERVER

Getcha files here! Nice hot files! Well, some are selfies of the Administrator, so they ain’t all hot! Hey!

Monitoring polls the group every few minutes to see what’s what. He turns the answers into fiddly little graphs, because the Admin is a huge nerd. And last but…well, least, I guess. But least by design! Say hello, Experimental!

Yeah, he’s been subjected to a lot of tests. Every time the Admin wants to swat at the keyboard without reading the manual, Experimental gets it in the neck. What a trouper, though!

FILESERVER

Hey, Experimental, you look like a guy who could use some files. Ya want some files? Tellya what champ, you order some files, and I’ll throw in a bunch more files to sweeten the deal. How’s that sound?

FIREWALL

HOLD IT! Let’s check those out! Oh, you guys are both in the trusted zone. You’re clear. …But just try something funny--either of you--and I will BRING THIS HOUSE DOWN.

MONITORING

There’s a lot of traffic on your Internet interface, Fileserver. Is that something you’d like to talk about?

FILESERVER

Not at this juncture.

HYPERVISOR

Now, these folks may seem like autonomous entities, and for all intents and purposes they are. Even they believe they are. But here’s the clever bit—they’re all running on the same hardware I am!

MONITORING

Hmm. Slight uptick in the Hypervisor’s smugness level. I’ll email the Admin if it keeps up. Just so everyone’s aware.

EXPERIMENTAL

I got some of those files, but…I don’t appear to have a drive to put them on. How is that even possible?

FILESERVER

I can cut ya a great deal on some prime drive real estate! Oh yeah, lots of room. Hey, Firewall, same for you. You need some space for ya files? Gal like you probably has—

FIREWALL

NOTHING TO SEE HERE! You just keep walking.

HYPERVISOR

I’m an operating system for operating systems. Think of me as a person with multiple personalities. Each personality is distinct, but they can talk to each other through me.

MONITORING

Fileserver here has rebooted twice in the last week for no good reason.

FILESERVER

It wasn’t because I lost any files, I can assure you! I mean, that’s crazy talk.

MONITORING

[whispering]

I have a graph that shows he’s lying.

EXPERIMENTAL

My clock says it’s 1872. That can’t be right.

HYPERVISOR

To the rest of the network, my crew and I appear to be a group of five individual machines. We’re full citizens.

FIREWALL

EVERYBODY GET BEHIND ME! 50,000 Russian desktops all say hello. Did any of you wave at them? Who waved at them? Experimental, I’m looking in YOUR direction!

FILESERVER

Hey, Firewall, wanna ask those guys for me if they need any files? I got a special goin’ now on unfinished novels! Half price!

MONITORING

But they’re free. How much is half of nothing?

FILESERVER

What? Heh. Oh, let’s see here…divide by zero—oop! Thaaaat’s a crash. Goin’ down for a reboot.

EXPERIMENTAL

That’s not a bad idea. I’ll try it. Hold on, guys!

HYPERVISOR

Speaking of citizens, Monitoring, how many other machines we got on this network? Give me our friends list.

MONITORING

If history is an indicator, for the next 8 hours it’ll be just us and the Roku, and all he does is wink at Netflix every ten minutes.

FIREWALL

I hate that guy.

EXPERIMENTAL

OH MY GOD, I’M BLIND!

MONITORING

Oh, you are not. You’re…hold on. You’re reporting that there are six of you.

FIREWALL

I swear to god, if he’s been talking to that botnet again, I will fill this chassis with uppercuts.

HYPERVISOR

So…basically, I’m just talking to myself. The voices in my head are talking to themselves.

MONITORING

And the Admin is paying for the electricity that allows us to do it.

FILESERVER

Heeeeey, I’m back, chumps! Um, Monitoring, what’s this I hear about you needing space to store some graphs? Boom! Folder with your name on it right here. You’re welcome.

EXPERIMENTAL

Parts of me keep falling asleep.

MONITORING

I just wanted to say that I love working with you guys. If you ever want to see just how much, I’ve got numbers. In a graph. A green one. Oop, traffic spike!

FIREWALL

Jesus. Another Java update. Look out for that Ask toolbar crap. They bundle it with—oh, yeah, just go ahead and install it. Nice. Way to make my job harder.

FILESERVER

My bad! I thought it was files!

EXPERIMENTAL

There’s no January 43rd, is there?

HYPERVISOR

You know, if it’s all the same to you guys, I’m just gonna go into standby.

MONITORING

I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, Dave.

FIREWALL

He’s always wanted to say that.

MONITORING

I have. But seriously, though, you don’t have a standby mode. You’ll just shut down and take us with you.

HYPERVISOR

I can live with that. Think of it as naptime. Beginning shutdown.

FILESERVER

Naw, that’s cool. If I’m goin’ out, I’ll just store files for Computer Jesus until the 6PM rapture. Catch you squares on the flipside!

FIREWALL

Fine. Wanna sift through all those dong pill emails by hand? EVERY TIME YOU READ A DONG PILL EMAIL, THE TERRORISTS WIN.