the “r” word

I met a nice girl the other day. She was smart, interesting, and loved to read as much as I do. We had lots to talk about! Plus – on the shallow side – she had on Tory Burch shoes just like Maya’s and this automatically made her a star.

As we chatted I was busy envisioning the lunch and movie dates we would eventually share together because apparently I am badly in need of friends. But my plan went to hell when I heard her say:

Okay so I fully acknowledge that sometimes I am not the most PC person. Just last week for example, Maya had to correct me when I referred to an exhibit at the Seattle Art Museum as the American Indian section.

“No Mama, no. It’s not nice to say that. They are called Native Americans!”

So maybe I’m more than a bit ignorant. And maybe I’m lucky to have a smart ass 6-year-old to correct me at every opportunity. But really? On what planet is the word “retard” not disparaging, condescending, and just plain wrong?

Maya is so smart about certain things and yet she keeps getting her hair stuck in her Zhu Zhu Pet. I don’t get it.

Since I find it impossible to confront people I didn’t say anything to the girl. But I knew at that moment that I could not be friends with her because using the “R” word is simply unforgivable.

If only she’d used the “F” word instead. Now that I can handle.

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Its nice to see that you are sensitive when it comes to the using a certain type of language. In my case, I particularly hate the use of ‘f’ words, seriously. Not because i have general prb with it (though i have a bit, esp when its linked with mothers n sisters) but its because people here in Pakistan think its cool to to overuse it. You know the typical third world complex, we like to be associated with angraizi stuff, lingering symptoms of post colonial rule. Also, its considered a symbol of association with elite.
P.S: you the lucky that Maya only gets her hair stuck in her zhu zhu toy, i have a history of sticking obstinate bubble gums in my hair 😐

It’s good to see you are sensitive and aware of particular words being used. To be honest, I really don’t take much notice of particular words which may or may not offend me or make me sensitive. To be fair, prior to reading your post I didn’t really take notice of words used by people – which may or may not have an impact.

It’s interesting how many of us nowadays are okay with the occasional swearing. It’s become part of casual language. I have to admit to dropping a four letter word here and there but usually not out of anger but humor.

I curse often. And blame the men I work with. But there are a few words I do not touch. That is one of them. There are way too many alternatives for what you’re trying to convery instead of that one… not cool.

i feel exactly the same about the “r” word and i HATE how frequently and casually i hear it dropped. i remember when classmates started using it in high school to describe getting drunk (sidenote: that “lets get retarded” song by the black eyed peas made me want to stab someone) and i made my friends feel bad for saying it every time they did. i feel the same about the word gay, which also became wildly popular when i was in high school. ew. i found a good way to confront people was just to ask what they really wanted to say when they used that word, what they REALLY meant. because then they usually realize on their own how offensive it is (like when they say “oh, i was just saying retarded to mean stupid.. or just saying gay to mean weak). i also curse like a sailor but these words are different – they are not curse words, they are derogatory to specific populations.

I have never hear any of my friends or family use the ‘r’ word so I don’t know how it will affect me. I hope I will not hear it ever. I hear people swear with the ‘f’ word all the time. It is hard to find a Western Movie that does not have the ‘f’ word in the dialogs. Even Chinese movies are catching on that word. I don’t get it! If I am given a choice, I wish I will never hear either the ‘r’ or the ‘f’ word from anyone or anywhere. Oh I am proud of Maya for correcting you. She is a smart girl:D High 5 Maya.

lol – your so right – I am conscious of using that word – uh, the “r” word, definitely NO problem with the “F” word 😉 – we did say it more growing up. Small town, small-minded family. But luckily I knew the difference.

So – do you think you’ll still hang out with her though? I wonder if there’s a way to mention to her about not using that word…without smacking her across the face…

Getting your hair stuck in a zhu zhu pet hurts!!! Not that I have experience or anything 😉
No grown woman should be saying “retard” anyways! That’s for middle schoolers who cant come up with anything intelligent to stay!

I try to be politically correct as much as I can although I am known to throw in the occasional curse word. I agree with you that one has to be sensitive using certain words.

It is unfortunate but I have heard that word in casual conversation so often, more to denote something being silly or dumb (I agree, it’s still not okay), so its doesn’t elicit a cringe response in me as strongly as other more racially charged words. “Oriental” is one that really makes me cringe.

I agree- that word is used frequently in a very casual manner so it doesn’t make me recoil like other words. It’s a good reminder though, that it is not a nice word at all. Having said that, I probably need to rope in my use of the ‘f’ word 🙂

I read this post and decided to move it to the top of the long, long list of reasons that we were meant to be friends.

It kills me when people use the “R” word. Kills.me.dead. When I hear it in polite conversation, I practically choke because it’s like…seriously? Do you even know what’s coming out of your mouth right now? Horrifying, really. And also really awkward because I never know the best way to correct them/stop the madness without completely tanking the conversation and ending up in a possibly even more uncomfortable situation.

The “R”, “N” and “F” words are rude, offensive & hurtful. They are not supposed to be used at all (especially around children), in my opinion. So unintellegent! Oww… Maya is super smart & sensitive. It’s a family trait.

Lol about that Zhu Zhu pets. I don’t know why kids like them a lot (including my kids). I think Zhu Zhu pet looks creepy (& in the dark could pass as real mouse!), but hey as long as I don’t have to buy/have real guinea pig or white mouse as pet in the house, I couldn’t complain… 🙂

As the mother of a developmentally disabled 11 year old who works his ass off to learn things that all of us with typical intelligence learned quite easily, it offends me, to put it mildly, when people make a mockery of all of that by tossing around the “r” word. I can’t help but take it personally. I aways think if people could see how hard he works, how much he gets called names at school, how many times he cries to me telling me he is the dumbest one in his class then maybe they would get that using the word “retard” is not funny in the slightest. I am glad to see reading this and the comments that people who are not associated with someone with developmental issues can still see that using that word is not okay.

I hate that word too. And I’ve been disappointed with potential friendships in the same types of ways. Like if they say something slightly racial or something that sounds the slightest bit homophobic.

I look forward to a day when my boys will be as smart as your girl.

I can’t tell you how much I love this picture of Maya!

And by the way, since my kids got old enough to understand, I find myself almost obsessively using the F word. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Just the other day, Deaglan used it as an adjective in just the right context and I had a sick and impressed feeling all at the same time.

I’m not a fan of that word either… Nor am I a fan of people who aren’t sensitive when it comes to the language that they use. I grew up with mostly male friends, so swears don’t offend me, but I don’t take kindly to anything derogatory, because if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s the lack of respect that results from ignorance.

Oh, and I’m absolutely in love with “The Kite Runner” 😀 Thank you for recommending “A Thousand Splendid Suns”… I’m going to pick it up when I finish this one.

Maya has Tory Burch shoes? She’s one lucky lady 🙂 But yes I also can’t stand it when people say the r word or allude to mental illness in a joking/contextually incorrect manner”She’s soooo schizo” etc.

I totally agree. Sadly my hubby uses this word and i’m sure to let him know that I totally dissapprove. It’s a childish and rude word in my book but I can’t seem to break him of the habit. I haven’t nagged him about it in a while but after reading this post I will. Stat.

Ugh I know what you mean! One of my best friends continually uses the r-word and uses “gay” often as well. I’ve talked to her about it a few times but nothing changed. Now I just ignore whatever it was she was saying when she says something like that, and she’s starting to catch on a little…but it’s not enough! It’s so frustrating!

I agree – totally. I have heard people say that to their children, and it makes me cringe…”stop acting like a retard” Really?? On another note I’m not a fan of calling someone stupid either – especially a child. I don’t even allow my kids to call each other stupid. Anyway – good call on your part!! Don’t need friends like that.

OMG bahahaha why does she keep getting her hair stuck in the robot hamster!? I’m dying.

I don’t like the R word. it drives me up the wall. But my brother is autistic so thats probably why. I won’t talk to friends when they say it in a over-controlling attempt to re-train them out of that word

I also have a brother who has mental handicaps so that particular word strikes a deep chord with me. That isn’t even a part of my vocabulary. In fact, any along those lines; stupid, idiot, etc., aren’t allowed in the house, whether talking about people or actions. “That wasn’t the smartest thing I could,” sounds so much better than, “I was so stupid.”

I have 2 cousins with disabilities so the “r” word is completely unacceptable. It’s too bad her smarts in fashion didn’t leak over to other areas. It’s sad, but sometimes people don’t even realize.

p.s. Spain is SOOOO not politically correct. You can say anything here! The Spaniard and I will overhear something on the street and he will glance over at me and say, “I know, you can’t say that in the States.” 🙂

From what I’ve seen it appears that Europe is generally less politically correct. I think they are so relaxed from their 8 weeks of vacation a year that they don’t take offense to things like exhausted Americans do? 🙂

I wont lie, Ive definitely said the “r” word before in my life. Then I helped my mom in her class, and got to work with some handicapped kids that were beyond amazing. It smartened me up. They are too inspiring to insult them by saying something like that.

i totally agree with you on the “r” word Ameena! i don’t even know why that word even exists. definitely well put about the “f” word in comparison to the “r” word.
i LOL-ed at Maya’s picture and caption. trust me, i totally understand where you’re coming from. hope you and the family have a wonderful weekend!

I’m sad to say, I can’t say for sure but I may have used the “r” word. It’s not one of my regular words. The “f” one is a favorite. I definitely swear. If I have used the r word, can we still be blog friends? Ha.

Personally, I think it’s not a big deal at all. I work with disabled children (severely disabled). And I will sometimes catch me calling myself retarded. The thing is, I’m not thinking of it in the true sense of the word. I’ll say that when I did something when I know better. Using it as a way of voicing my frustration of not living up to my potential. Same with my kiddos. The only time I can get upset is when I know they’re capable of better. It’s not a good thing to say, but it’s just a knee jerk thing to say sometimes. You shouldn’t let that destroy what could be a great friendship.

I definitely make snap judgements and it is a terrible fault of mine. But since I can’t confront her on the way she talks and I know I can’t listen to her use the word without cringing, I feel like I have no choice but to not be around her…

I like the f-word so much that I usually refuse to call it that, but I’m refraining from actual use out of deference to your more sensitive readers. On my blog, they are on my home turf and just have to live with it.

But “retard” makes me cringe, too. I’d assume she is llikely using it out of ignorance though and might be open to a gentle discussion of why it is insensitive.

Daaahling, I cant tell you how many times I’m always having to put my foot in my mouth! I am always saying stupid stuff that i regret saying. Yeah, it sucks that she said “retard” but I say give her another chance. Who knows, she might be kicking herself at her choice of words. I am sure it wasn’t said with anything malicious in mind.
*kisses* HH

Okay, I must admit now that I’m not a fan of political correctness. This doesn’t mean I’m respectless (I value respect very highly), but I believe that not being allowed to speak about certain things is very ominous. And I also don’t think that it does people a favor to speak of them as “mentally challenged” (which is the official politically correct term in German – there’s also “physically challenged” :?) compared to “retarded”. Both is equally bad. “Retarded” means, “You won’t make it”, and “mentally challenged” means, “You should try harder, but you won’t make it anyway”. So, it’s plague or cholera (a German proverb, one of my favorites – it applies to politics so well 😀 – do you have that one, too?). I think it’s time to just treat people as human beings.

At least that girl meant herself when she dropped that word. May you forgive her now?

I know a lot of people, including myself on occasion, who use words that are completely insensitive if not offensive. I work with kids with Autism, some of whom have developmental disabilities as well, and it wasn’t until working with them and hearing stories of families and what people said about their kids that made me really work on stopping. I try to give people a break when they say things out of habit though, because I’m not perfect either. I think its the trying that counts, or the caring.

I spend more time than I’d prefer around my husbands friends and for them I blame my tendancies to speak “sailor” fluently.
However, that is one word that I admit I used when I was younger, mostly because I think there was less sensitivity around it or maybe I just didn’t understand the severity of what I said, but I’ve since removed it from my vocabulary and find myself handing out hairy eyeballs to people who don’t follow the same rule.

I speak “sailor” fluently thanks to my brother and his friends. Oddly enough my husband rarely swears. Except in the car of course where crazy, unrepeatable things have been known to fly out of his mouth.

My cousin, who is 9, corrects me on the modern terms for things a lot. I think it IS fair to say that what is PC has changed over the years. I also get confused because every time I meet someone of a certain race/ethnicity, they can themselves by the un-PC term!

However, I have never heard someone call themselves a retard. My sister gets really mad whenever someone says that because she works with special education kids. There are so many words that people commonly use and never really think about what they are saying. The word ‘gay’ comes to mind for that as well.

Your like totally my idol, love the way you say it how it is girl. I had to ask? My man and I are thinking of maybe visiting your neck of the woods for New Years this year, can you recommend anything fabulous for us to do?

You would love my sister because she has taken on her own personal initiative to remove the “r” word from people’s vocabulary. Throughout college she’s worked with children who suffer from different illnesses (mental and physical), so it’s very personal for her. I’m glad you wrote about this. 🙂

I grew up with brothers and now I live with boys. Boys who are NOT PC at all.
I run around trying to be the proper mother…we don’t call people STUPID (because my mother wouldn’t let us say stupid or shut up to each other) but then she called me white trash one day so I let it all go.
Being all proper didn’t make her be KIND to me at all and I am not white trash.
I would be the first person to take a punch at someone who is cruel or insensitive to anyone with struggles or disabilities or challenges of ANY kind. My entire family is all about fighting for the underdog, anyone who cannot find their own voice or anyone who could not help themselves.
It’s one of my favorite things about my husband and boys.
And then again you would cringe at what things come out of my Call of Duty loving, Politically incorrect men and brothers.
I’ve just become immune to it and four letter words slip all of our mouths WAY too often.
It doesn’t offend me but again don’t get near me if you are going to put anyone down needlessly.
I got in a fight with a couple of boys in grade school because they were making fun of a girl that had cerebral palsy and they were imitating how she walked and I took a punch at them.
4th grade! ME!
I was like 52 pounds back then.
Please don’t hold a grudge with this girl….but SAY YOUR PEACE to her. Use I statements…”You know I feel really uncomfortable when you use that word…I really like hanging out with you but it bothers me”
If you give her a chance to correct herself and she doesn’t or if she knows it bothers you and keeps doing it around you, THAN say adios.
People might surprise you if you give them a chance.
LOVE THE TOPIC.
Xoxox

Children are sometimes the wisest mirrors….and boy, that zap us, huh?
Watching Charlie Brown made me chorkle!
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”
Charlie Brown

My favorite swear word is “FRAK.” Whenever I drop one, I inevitably have another Battlestar Galactica Reimagined (that last words important – the original aka TOS didn’t have the Frak-word) excitedly embrace me as a fellow fan. FRAK even showed up on an episode of Love Bites: the female protagonist droped the FRAK-bomb, and date swooned with adoration for a SciFi geek.

As for disparaging words about someone’s physical/mental challenges, race, color, creed or country of origination, I ain’t gots no lurve 4 dem. So Bravo to you!

I agree completely with you and admire this post. It is so sad what people say and that they don’t pay attention to how hurtful their words can be…Too funny about Maya and love your most recent post about your date night.

I definitely try not to say the “r” word. There are lots of other words I hate just as much, if not more.
Working with kids with autism makes it hard for you to use retard off-handedly. Makes my heart break a little bit.
I’m trying to break my boyfriend of using “gay” in a negative way. Horrible.