It’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to….

Well don’t you know it, this dumb fuck did it again. Still slipping and tripping onto my stupid face as I try to gauge the current cluster fucks in my life. Insert R* back into the equation… Here I was thinking my logic could trump my emotions but it goes without saying that I’m a weak mother fucker for human connection. Since my last post on R* (Mother Fucks~) I gained distance and found perspective where I was able to form a nicely packaged box of understanding that I slipped him into. Seemingly the box gave me control because I planted a mother fucking trap door to release him into oblivion when the time came. I preemptively had my finger over the trigger, in hopes I could hit it before he had another chance to disappoint me. How did this look in my head? The plan was to keep my distance by limiting my communication with R* so I could continue to detach. In a sense I wanted to be able to play his game by keeping it purely sexual and in the moment. This meant our plans to hang out needed to be somewhat last minute to avoid the common occurrence of him bailing last minute. It fucking worked, ONCE, then the tricky mother fucker pulled a jack-in-the box move on me. This all came right after what I thought was a common understanding of how “we” (reality-just me) were going to move forward to avoid the same bullshit. This is how the most recent fuck you rolled out…. Our usual day where we spend the night together rolls in and we find ourselves schmoozing one another for the majority of the day, eventually making plans to hang out. The evening creeps in and sure as fuck his games start. His shitty time management excuse rips the corner edge of the box open. Red light bitch, red light! I give him an out to pull the plug on the night now otherwise if he bails any later this bitch hits the trigger and the trap door gets released. I sure as shit wasn’t gonna crawl into bed just to have him flake on me two hours later because his whiney bitch ass got too fucking tired. In the midst of trying to explain this to him, in a much nicer way, my communication gets muddled and he ends up taking the out, apparently thinking I was the one pulling the plug on the night. Well this dumb fuck gets butt hurt even though I literally just gave him the option to bail. Let’s back track for a second so you can further understand where my hidden disappoint comes from. It was my birthday and as some of you may know already I seriously go out of my way to be sure nobody really knows the actual day it lands on. This stems from my very early years of being raised as a JW, so birthdays were always complete shit to me. Then as I got older I began to form my own opinions on commercialized holidays which has basically lead me to flat out avoiding that shit as much as possible. I really only enjoy the idea of holidays if they come from a place of intimacy and genuine connection, otherwise get fucked folks. Anyways to *R’s credit he had no idea it was my birthday and in all honesty he could probably give two fucks either way. This is exactly why I fucking hate holidays because not only do they create unneeded pressure and expectations, they further disappoint when something shitty happens on the so called deemed special day, creating another layer of fuck yous. At any rate it’s clear that if I did tell R* that is was my birthday the effort would have likely been forced and disingenuous, in turn delaying his usual tactics for a later date. The fact that it’s my birthday should have zero relevance to R* making an effort to be with me. I guess the point is that this dumb fuck attached my birthday to a night of fun with R* which played into the real disappoint and hurt of him trying to bail. Either way I sure as fuck wasn’t going to play the birthday card on him.

Fast forward to me expressing my partial disappointment to R*, which leads him to apologizing and offering to still come over. He gives me more than enough time before arriving to let me stew over my pathetic hurt feelings… big mistake R*! The disappointment quickly turns into angst as the never ending story of failed relationships shoves me to my knees. I find myself having a little freak out, calling S* to word vomit in the hopes of releasing the emotion attached to putting myself in this fucking situation again. It eventually morphs into a cluster fuck of other thoughts regarding the shit storm of a life I’m currently living and I begin to feel like I’m suffocating. It takes R* a couple of hours to get to my place and by this point I think I’ve composed myself enough to let go and enjoy the night/my birthday with him. This bitch was fooling herself as per usual. As soon as R* slips into bed and I feel his body against mine my weakness for human connection flips me upside down. I find myself sucking back tears as I try to smother my thoughts with deep breathing. He wraps himself around me, and I feel the warmth of his security engulfing me. He gently encourages me to talk but I stumble to find the words, initially getting even more frustrated in the fact that I can’t seem to get a well formulated thought out. We talk for awhile but I end up feeling even more fucking annoyed and upset because it’s really just a surface understanding. I express the fact that it’s hard for me to open up to somebody when it’s one sided. Due to our arrangement I never really allowed myself to form a deeper connection with R* which comes from a place of wanting to protect myself. R* kindly offers to open up and be that person for me but I refuse knowing this will only cause me more pain when our arrangement comes to an end.

This also plays into why I have zero desire to seek out professional help in times of hardship. I find that when advise and understanding are being given to me by somebody I have little connection with I might as well be talking to a brick wall. People can blab their perspective at me all they want but the reality is that I already know my faults and weaknesses. I have been living the entirety of my life slowly figuring out what healthy relationships are and how to set clear boundaries for all parties involved, myself included, but it sure as shit doesn’t mean I still don’t fuck up. Initially I may be clouded but I eventually hit that wall which forces me to open my eyes and see the bigger picture. That is when I gain my control back by turning to my healthy coping mechanisms. All I need to do is come back to myself, ride solo for awhile, be strict with my routines and turn to my most important tool of writing to release my thoughts and emotions. At the end of the day if anybody can give me ultimate understanding and perspective in this hairy thing we call life, it’s me. It wasn’t until my split from T*, three years ago, that I was propelled into finding an extremely healthy lifestyle, affording me the ability to find this process which helps empower me to fight through the storms. With that said there is no doubt that I have people in my life I can turn to but I am cautious in how much I share of myself. When I speak my truth I try to keep it short, sweet and somewhat vague, usually hiding the emotion attached to it. By telling my story in great detail over and over again to people who do not play a role in finding a solution only results in a lot of wasted energy and time. Through my journey I have realized that I need to make a more conscious effort to limit myself from verbally speaking about my cluster fuck of hardships because it can easily turn into gossip if it falls on the wrong ears. I often have to ask myself the purpose behind speaking my truth to be sure it is coming from a place of seeking real understanding otherwise I feel like it can easily come across as a complaining pity party. When I allow myself to pointlessly go there I end up walking away feeling even more disappointed. This is where S* enters from stage left, hallelujah! She is the only person in my life that I have been able to find real understanding with. This comes from the fact that she has trusted me with her full truth which has allowed me to freely share mine without hesitation or fear. Plus she’s super rad and lets me to talk in circles as she sits quietly, allowing me to come to my own conclusions and understanding. I am one lucky bitch to finally have somebody like her in my life. Over the past year of getting to know each other we have been able to form such a deep connection that it’s as if she’s been a part of my life forever. That’s how substantial her friendship is, as she has played a major role in my exponential growth the last year. She was there for me when I hit some major lows and her friendship never faltered, unlike my crazy ass who tried to bolt at one point when I felt completely out of control. She made it extremely easy to come back to her because she never closed herself off to me. She graciously gave me the space and freedom to find myself again. It wasn’t until I felt strong enough that I slowly came back to her, realizing the true value she adds to my life. More than ever before she understands and appreciates my boundaries and helps me stick to them. Bottom line is she respects the fact that I need strong people in my life who won’t enable my common occurrence of detouring from my healthy lifestyle.