Now I’ve been around three cats in my adult life and that may qualify me as some kind of an expert on what questions to expect from them.

Of course, my advice is nothing like that from the good folks at CatChannel.com, or even your local veterinarian. They’re much more qualified to answer questions about a cat’s health and diet. They understand things such as ringworms and what bad breath means, and why it’s important to care for a cat’s fur.

I’m a little more accustomed to fielding a cat’s day-to-day, face-to-face queries like: “Yeah, all I do is eat, sleep and poop. You got a problem with that?”

The cats in my life were Margaret (aka Maggie), Pumpkin and Insel.

The last one of that trio came with my marriage. His name is derived from the German word for “island” and Insel and I got along pretty well until one cold, wintry day when we must have both had cabin fever.

I got up close and started singing songs from the musical “South Pacific.” When I got to the part, “There is nothing like a kittyyyy,” Insel hit me with a claws-extended, right cross that took a chunk out of my nose.

I must have bled for an hour and scabbed for a month. The relationship between that cat and I was never quite the same after that.

Anyway, in all my experience of being owned by a cat, I learned they are unpredictably predictable. That is, we all know what they’re going to do; we’re just not quite sure when they’re going to do it.

Case in point: running lickety-split through the house -- including over the big guy’s bed -- at any, or all, hours of the night.

So, take it from me, if on Tuesday you decide to have a heart-to-heart with your little buddy, you might expect to hear some of the following questions:

-- What do you mean you can’t rub my chin and forehead 796 times a day? Do you have anything better to do?

-- What is it with humans? Why must I always raise my tail and stick my butt in your face? It’s very degrading, you know.

-- Can you name me any place in the house that’s more convenient to throw up than on that expensive Persian rug in the hallway?

-- Why can’t we ever invite a sparrow inside to chat? Heh, heh.

-- Sure I sleep on your head or between your legs at bedtime. Don’t you care about where I am?

-- Is it a California beach thing or what? Why do I have to spread cat litter six feet around my litter box just so you can walk in it with your bare feet?

-- Who told you catnip is addictive?

-- And, if I told you where my new hiding place is, it wouldn’t be a hiding place, would it?

I’m sure that cat people can think of a few more. And for those harder questions, remember to go to CatChannel.com or call the nearest animal hospital.

And, hurry, you still have a few days to pick up something special for your pal on National Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day.

A cat toy would probably go over much better than songs from “South Pacific.” That’s something I definitely know about.

If you have an idea for a column or know someone who would be interesting to feature, call Jim Rothgeb at (951) 676-4315, ext. 2621, or email jim.rothgeb@californian.com.