As Her Majesty the Queen put it in this year's Christmas broadcast just a week ago: "Fuck me, some massive shit's gone down in 2012." But what will 2012 really be remembered for? A major shift in attitudes to swearing, certainly. Was it the fact that the Daily Mail's "No more expletives on TV" campaign coincided so precisely with the discoveries in Paul Dacre's cellar that explains how society so suddenly and collectively gained a sense of perspective about rude words? Most commentators believe so.

The Queen. Illustration: David Foldvari

But it hasn't all been potty-mouthed monarchs, the irrevocable discrediting of the Mayans and the last-minute cancellation of the Olympics due to lack of interest. There have been highs – the John Lewis advert winning a record-breaking 14 Oscars – and lows, such as the unseemly fights that broke out on the deck of the new Anglo-French aircraft carrier. And the news has also had its lighter side. Let's look back at some of the highlights of the past year's silly seasons.

John Major in Oval shooting spree

Cricket scored what the chairman of the ICC unfelicitously described as "a series of own goals" this year as the allegations and prosecutions for match-fixing mounted up. At the end of an Oval Test which had involved the bowling of a suspicious and unprecedented 362 wides, it all got a bit much for the former prime minister and honorary life vice-president of Surrey, who ran out on to the pitch wildly firing his bodyguard's gun and shouting something about warm beer and betrayal. Fortunately, the incident resulted in no more than a few flesh wounds, although Fleet Street editors were subsequently besieged by calls from Edwina Currie offering to comment.

Murdochs launch new Miliband

The disgraced media dynasty, currently believed to be hiding out with the 47 surviving children of Colonel Gaddafi in a fortified compound in the Liberian desert, made an ambitious comeback bid in October by announcing that they'd genetically engineered a new Miliband. They claim to have used DNA harvested from Ed and David's hotel rooms during the 2002 Labour party conference. Six-month-old Rupert Miliband is being brought up in an oxygen tent to speed growth, is to be tutored by Glenn Beck and Niall Ferguson, and has also been fitted with laser cannons. He's expected to be launched on to the British political scene in 2020 at an event to be hosted by Tony Blair and a robotised reimagining of Baroness Thatcher.

China steals Radio 4

Britain was left reeling in March by the theft of the BBC's flagship speech radio station by communist China. "They came for us by night!" a stunned John Humphrys told news cameras as he stared into the abyss left by the ripping out of the ground of London's Broadcasting House. It was carried off by a fleet of Chinook helicopters and was last seen heading east over the North Sea. Everything is believed to have been taken apart from Humphrys and Nicholas Parsons, who was mysteriously abandoned on an oil rig. The BBC has dragged its feet over the issue of fetching him.

Sir Cliff Richard wins The X Factor

Throughout the competition, the nation had taken octogenarian Glaswegian country singer Tavish McAndover to its heart, despite the fact that his name sounded fictional. Scorning the cover versions that most acts rely on, McAndover wowed crowds with heartfelt ballads such as "It's Hard To Dance Sexy When You've Got A Metal Hip", "I Remember When Tennis Balls Were White But I'm Not Being Racist" and "I Know BBC3 Isn't Aimed At Me But That's What My Sky Box Is Stuck On". But the nation was astounded when, seconds after winning the public vote, McAndover appeared to rip away his face to reveal Sir Cliff cleaning off the remains of prosthetic makeup. The Peter Pan of pop duly walked away with his fourth Christmas No 1 and a furious Simon Cowell's £1m record contract. The Mirror TV critic captured the national mood: "It's difficult to know which of those annoying people to side with. It's like Israel and Palestine all over again."

Israel and Palestine all over again

An end was twice called to the Arab-Israeli conflict this year. The first agreement, signed in March, was abandoned on the advice of Tony Blair who was concerned that, without such tensions, the region would be "like Frasier after Niles and Daphne got together". It was six months before diplomats realised that this wasn't as good an analogy as it had initially seemed and a second peace was signed.

Peter Ebdon accidentally shot in Vladimir Putin assassination attempt

When a small bald man, famed for his insane drive and frightening monomania in pursuit of his goals, was found floating dead in the Baltic, Chechen separatists were quick to claim responsibility, not realising that, instead of Russia's latterday tsar, they'd taken the life of one of snooker's favourite sons. World snooker was thrown into chaos by the news, plans for a ranking tournament in Vladivostok were shelved and John Virgo broke down on The One Show muttering: "He was so beautiful, he was so beautiful" over and over again.

Afro crisis deepens

In the wake of the near collapse of the euro in 2011, many economists considered 2012 an unpropitious year to launch Africa's single currency. Others felt that giving the new note the same name as a hairstyle wouldn't inspire investor confidence. Such fears were allayed when the continent's finance ministers announced that the currency would be backed by blood diamonds. The afro's consequent rocketing value in relation to all other major currencies was what caused the crisis and led to a stockpiling of afros everywhere in the world except Africa. More were changing hands in Oxford Street this Christmas than in the whole of Nigeria.

Duchess of Cornwall rap leads to calls for charity to be stopped

The month of inexpensive programming surrounding the BBC's Children in Need night was marred this year by a segment in which the Duchess of Cornwall was forced tearfully to improvise a rap about declining literacy rates. "Why!? Why is this happening? How is this helping anybody?" the Duchess was repeatedly heard to ask as she inexpertly struggled for rhymes, robotically egged on by a glassy-eyed Tess Daly, who was later to take her own life. In a public apology for the broadcast, the director general said: "It becomes clear that the explanation or excuse 'it's for charity' has its limits. After seeing that, no one will ever want to help needy children ever again."