Did you ever dream that you were a dog agility super champ except then it switched and you were at some germy, grungy, derelict seaside park in the dark and the carnies were actually drug addled zombies that were shambling after you with hammers and their big teeth? And then as you're trying to escape your way out from under their oily, horrible claws by clambering up a rat infested palm tree, you're all, this is about dog agility like, how?

10 January 2009

Should one ever take interior design advice from the drunk?

So let's say you had to stop at a bar on the way home from work because of a shitty day at work. That involves real estate and commercial use permits and the shrinking land for horses and animals in Santa Cruz county and maybe will steer this blog back into the sordid world of real estate. Dogs? One of those days where they never, ever leave their pen or their crate. Luckily it is a bar with a nice couch and big glasses for the wine and no one can hear the sound of anyone crying or cursing from the couch. Sorry dogs. Waiting in the car.

And the bright spot of the day is someone emailing for advice. Rock on, advice emailers! Here is our question for the day:

Question:

I live in a rental home here on Long Island. A raised ranch job, with fake textured shakes on the upper part. Kinda popular here in the 50's when they started raping and pillaging this island. I digress. Anyway, this house has primary living quarters upstairs, and canine and avian living quarters downstairs. The "dog room" (i.e. paddock and stall/crate area for 3 rottweilers and 1 english cocker) has a lovely fake forest mural of wallpaper on the back wall. Numerous people have commented on how nice this foresty background is! I like to think of it as the Eyesore, and the dogs have decided that the lower bits are kind of tasty. I'm thinking that we should follow the TSD lead and go with some wall-mounted faux deer and squirrel motifs. Whaddya think? I could throw in an owl or a crow in there too I suppose... would love advice on how to turn this into tasteful kitsc h instead of looking like I just slapped some stuffed animals on the wall! Need help with integrating 2D and 3D.

This is from our BFF Sarah. With the big dogs.

Answer:

Oh my god can I come live there too! You have a whole dog and bird room with a forest wall! Who is the luckiest girl in the world??? I think it is not an eyesore I think it is fabulous! Hopefully the neighbors have not worked with the county to villafy animals in your neighborhood!

First of all. Remember our art interview with Artist Kelsey? She totally OWNS forest mural wallpaper. Kelsey, are you there? Sometimes she goes to New York on important Artist Business. Can you go help Sarah? Kelsey tends to use more restraint than me, but I say there is never enough taxidermy and faux can be the way to go if you are not down with the whole shooting animals with guns business. Or you scrounge at yard sales for when people are selling their taxidermy. That's where I get mine. Including the big turtle!

I think a good idea would be a shelf and on the shelf is all your animals! Out of dog reaching range. High. So they are staring at the dogs, all the time. A lot of crows and owls are good. Also perhaps trains and little train trees? I think you need to think in terms of grouping and multiples and quality of faux; wood and there is that etsy girl that covers taxidermy blanks in wallpaper or if you are crafty, you get your own taxidermy blanks and go crazy! Try not to use the stuff out of the vacuum bag for covering squirrels. Does not work good. Or flocking stuff. Or dirt with the glue gun. Fake fur! Tweed! Lots! At least 26 squirrels! At least 2 deer heads, looking at eachother from either side of a corner. The owls, you will not regret going to the owls! Can someone build you a shelf?

Don't worry Sarah. We will help you. Send pictures and it is like a makeover show and I am your Tim Gunn except with a giant chunk of hair just cut out with scissors! Right on!

Laura Hartwick, Captain

Many people around Santa Cruz know Laura as the lady with all those little black dogs. Many people know her as a horse trainer. Many people know her as the artist with the small brushes. Many people know her as that hoity graphic designer.
None of them would be wrong.
All the dogs of Team Small Dog, righteously awesome.
Laura Hartwick is usually a nice person. Except when she isn't. Be nice, don't bite, and run faster.