Illinois Proposes Law To Shove Monitor Up Citizen’s Asses To Tax Every Movement

SPRINGFIELD, IL – Desperate times call for desperate measures and for the State of Illinois funding the massive government deficit will soon mean tracking every citizen’s movement with an ass monitor.

“We have been losing money for years on end. A simple vehicle monitoring device to tax miles driven by citizens will not be enough. So we had to look at other options.” A State Rep told The Cob Friday evening.

“The conclusion was that we need to be able to tax people’s every movement and after consulting with doctors in the field we determined that the cheapest way of doing so was to have a movement monitor shoved in their anuses.” He continued.

“It’s a simple in-office procedure, much like a prostate exam. Once inserted the device will stay in place for 10 years on one battery.” The Representative concluded.

Devices are being produced in China and will be shipping to the United States next year pending the law passing.