Stories

03.28.

I pulled into the local Wal-Mart over the weekend and saw something that I had to pass on. The Girl Scouts were out front selling cookies, approaching customers as they exited the store.

Two little girls, about 8 years old go bouncing up to this old woman in one of those electric scooter/shopping cart things. “Hi, we are with—-”

They are interrupted by the old woman shouting: “You two can go fuck yourselves!” The little girls and the parents were stunned into silence. The cranky old woman rolled off towards her car, not saying anything else.

I was sort of horrified but still choking back laughter as I strolled into the store.

03.24.

As my husband, our good friends and I were leaving Walmart one night my husband spots what he thinks is a wad of dollar bills on the ground. He picks it up only to discover it is $1 wrapped around a piece of poo.

Freaked out he drops the money and we look around for the hidden cameras and hand sanitizer. That had to have been a prank. Who would wrap a piece of poo with money and leave it outside of a Walmart?

As we look around for the hidden camera we spot a typical Walmart customer bend over, pick up the poo encrusted dollar, shake off the bill, wipe it on her sweat pants and stick it in her pocket.

08.18.

So, last weekend my husband stopped into our Walmart, bought some frozen vegetables and was checking out. The cashier picked up a box of brussel sprouts and said, “Do you eat these?” Which I responded, “Yes, as weird as it sounds, I love them!” My husband laughed because he thinks they are gross.

She looked at me very shocked and said, “I could never eat those. Sometimes I eat peas. But what is that inside of peas? Potato?” She was dead serious. She thought peas were stuffed with potatoes. We have been laughing about this for a week.

04.02.

I was wandering toward the produce when I experienced a typical Walmart moment. The customer I spotted looked like so many others that I have seen on this site. She was probably in her mid-to-late 50s, and she gave off that obvious vibe of someone whose primary residence sits on cinder blocks or wheels. Modified power-mullet? Check. Tank top with no bra? Check. Shorts and flip-flops even though it was a frosty 37 degrees outside? Check and check. And what was she doing? Why, she was using the shopping cart as a makeshift platform on which to change a toddler’s dirty diaper. She has yet to see me, which partially explains what happened next. After dropping the used diaper/naps bundle to the floor and kicking it aside, she then looked at her hand, noticed what had to have been some sort of poopy residue, reached over into the produce bin, and started to wipe her hand on a large head of lettuce.

Now I’m normally pretty non-confrontational, but after seeing this, I just blurted out “Oh come on! What are you, an animal!?” She turned to look at me, and for a split-second I saw it in her eyes: she knew that she had really crossed over a line, and she also knew that she had been stone-cold busted. But like I said, this look only lasted for a second. Her face then reverted to normal, and she told me to go fuck myself.

Ah yes, the classic rhetorical escalation uttered in countless WalMart arguments. She started to push her cart toward the front of the store, so I called out “I’m going to find a manager and tell him what you did!” Her reply? “I didn’t do anything [whips out cellphone], and I’m going to call the cops!” So that’s how the argument ended, both of us threatening to tell on each other.

A Walmart associate then came out of the receiving area, so I told her what had happened and, to her credit, she bagged up 2 or 3 heads of lettuce along with the diaper.

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People of Walmart is a humor blog that depicts the many customers of Walmart stores across the United States and Canada. Through funny photos and videos, People of Walmart is an entertainment blog in the Three Ring Blogs network that features over 30 of the funniest humor blogs on the internet. Walmart is the largest retail store in the United States and has millions of people visit stores each day wearing anything but proper attire. Hello Flippa.