The Cosmo Field Report

Actionable intelligence from Cosmopolitan magazine about what you shouldn't shout, a new sex position, and the Irish.

Each week, we provide a collection of actionable intelligence culled from the pages of Cosmopolitan. Herein, we report back with advice we found from this year's May issue:

The potential romantic problems associated with shouting were twice raised. First, it was recommended that if you invite a date to a spinning class, you should let her know ahead of time that you are the instructor. Second, it was said to be undesirably surprising if a man screams during sex, "Ride me like a pleasure horse!"

Note: We believe the preferred terminology is "unicorn."

Further instruction was given on the subject of communication: No one should engage in the use of emojis while sexting.

Also: Eight should not equal D.

In a column describing the inverse relationship between a man's braggadocio and his endowment, it was said that wearing an exceptionally tight-fitting T-shirt means, definitively, that you have a five-inch penis.

Something called the Coital Alignment Technique was advocated: A man should lie atop his partner (as he would in missionary) and enter her, but then move himself "a few inches up [her] body" so that his erection points downward and either his penis' base or his pubic bone applies pressure to the clitoris. The couple should then rock up and down (the man leading the downward motion, and the woman leading the upward) while maintaining that pressure. It is intended to be gentle, which might help explain why the illustration of the position depicted the couple wearing oven mitts.

In need of further investigation: What wearing oven mitts says about a man's penis size.

It was suggested that on a first date, a man should not explain away his small and occasionally malfunctioning penis as "the curse of the Irish."

Note: In this case, we believe it's best to just stick with "pleasure horse."