Blended families

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While marriage breakdown can be a sad fact of life for many people, one in two divorced parents goes on to remarry or repartner. And many of the new families built will be blended families - giving a whole new meaning to the idea of 'having another baby'.

Complicated families

With separation and divorce on the increase, it's not unusual these days for people to have children with more than one partner. In the UK, around half of the step-parents in blended families will have a baby together. And this can mean that the existing children end up not only with step-siblings, but also with half-brothers or sisters.

BabyCentre mum Sandra in Gloucestershire knows all about complicated families. "At the last count," she says, "I have one 'real' brother and one 'real' sister, two half-sisters, five stepsisters and three stepbrothers - plus all their children! It's really hard at times to remember everyone."

Although Sandra was determined that her own daughter would not go through the same heartache that she experienced, things did not turn out the way she'd planned. She split from her daughter's dad but is now expecting a baby with her new partner and they are getting married next year. As she points out, her daughter "will be a stepchild and have a stepdad, plus a half-brother." And Sandra seems certain that things will become even more complicated. "My daughter's dad hasn't found anyone new yet, but I'm sure that when he does, that will be another thing to deal with."

Andrea from Kent also understands the complicated nature of blended families. She comes from what she calls a "wonderful mixed family" and is one of seven children herself, with a stepbrother and half-brother included. She recounts a funny story from her family history, when her sister married their biological father's stepson. "The poor vicar was so confused when he realised they both already had the same surname," she laughs.

Despite its complications, Andrea really values the liveliness of her family and says, "It was mad - and good - growing up as part of such a big family. There could never be any secrets and we shared everything."

If ever there was a case for seizing the chance for happiness again after a broken relationship, Andrea's family is it. To them, 'having another baby' meant creating new branches for the already tangled family tree, and bringing people closer.

Large age gaps

For two people who both have children from previous relationships, blending their families or having another baby can create large age gaps between half- and step-siblings. This is not necessarily a disadvantage. BabyCentre mum Debbie lives in Leicestershire with her second husband, their one-year-old daughter Larissa, and Debbie's 11-year-old son Jack, from her first marriage. Debbie definitely sees the advantage of her blended family and appreciates the big age gap between her children. She says:

"Jack helps lots. He gets on great with his sister - they share a room at the moment and he never moans if she keeps him awake. I like having the big age gap because I can nip to the toilet or wash the pots and leave Jack and Larissa together for a few moments. Larissa idolises Jack and has got a photo of him that she kisses when he's at school. He has only changed one nappy though!"

Natasha from London also appreciates the large age gap between her children. Biba, her eldest daughter, is in the last year of her A-levels at college and often helps out with Taren, Natasha's baby daughter. Natasha finds this age gap beneficial because: "Despite having my mother and sister close by, I love the fact that whenever I need to go out for whatever reason, Taren can stay at home with the babysitter - her sister - the person I know she's closest to apart from me."

Happy blended families

Blending a family is hardly ever easy. Children may find it hard to cope with the fact that their parents will never get back together, and might be jealous of step-siblings or new babies. But it can and often does work, as many BabyCentre members prove.

Jackie and her family live in London. She says: "I have a 10-year-old son who still sees his father very regularly, although we are divorced. I am remarried and we have a two-year-old daughter. We are all very happy, my second husband is a fab dad to my son and the two children get on really well. I guess we probably count as an unusual family, although we feel perfectly normal."

Another BabyCentre mum who has found happiness in her blended family is Kathleen from Glasgow. She has gained a stepson the same age as her daughter and says: "There are just two weeks between them and they get on really well." In Kathleen's blended family, it is not the children who have found the transition hard. "The only problems within our family come from my not-so-happy ex-boyfriend and my husband's difficult ex-girlfriend," she admits.

Starting again

Life can be tough for single parents and their children. For some, finding a new partner and having another baby together seems natural. But people are often worried about the further disruption it could cause to their existing children, who have already gone through bereavement or the break-up of their parents' relationship. There is a lot of emotion at stake and people may feel unwilling to take the risk.

These people can take heart from the many examples of lone parents who have taken the risk and made their blended families work. One happy example is BabyCentre mum Lisa in Essex. For Lisa, a new partner came along just at the right time. When she split from her boyfriend and became a single mother to their little boy, Jack, things felt very bleak. Until she bought herself a new Mini, that was. Hoping to find out more about her car, she posted a message on a forum and started corresponding with a lovely Dutch man named Marcel. Love quickly blossomed and they married after Marcel moved to England to be with Lisa and Jack. She has never felt happier and is very excited to be expecting a baby with Marcel. According to Lisa, he is already a "great father figure" to Jack, loving him like his own child. "I love the fact that this baby is coming from two cultures," says Lisa. "I have asked Marcel to teach the baby Dutch and English. I am learning Dutch too, so I can communicate with Marcel's parents. I love them all very much."

Breaking down again

Even when blended families split up again, it doesn't necessarily mean unhappiness and heartbreak for everyone involved. Natalie, who lives in Hampshire, has gone through not only her parents' separation, but the breakdown of her mother's marriage to a new partner. But it has not been all bad. Natalie says: "My stepdad actually cheated on my mum and so people find it very odd that I want to remain in contact with him, especially as he wasn't in my life for all that long. But my mum and step-dad are still friends, and go out together as friends. Funnily enough, we are all having Christmas together this year."

Stepping away from the norm

With fairytales full of wicked stepmothers, evil stepfathers and ugly stepsisters, it's no wonder that many of Britain's stepfamilies prefer to think of themselves as blended families instead. If Happily Ever After didn't come true the first time round, it can often work in the future -- with new relationships, new families and newly acquired children.

While not everyone lives in harmony, many blended families do get along well. So perhaps it's time we stopped focusing on the UK's depressing divorce statistics and started celebrating the happiness of people who have made their blended families work.

Last reviewed: January 2005

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