The Guilty Admission: I suck. That is all.

My nephew Jordan is a senior in college. He’s been staying with us for the whole summer while taking classes and working on campus. I love having him around. He mows the lawn, helps out with TG and Tog and keeps me company on the days I work from home.

Two nights ago, I’m sitting on the couch. Jordan and his girlfriend are sitting across from me. We’re all half-watching a repeat of the show Wife Swap.

I wonder aloud: What kind of wife would the producers swap with me?

Jordan’s girlfriend piped up immediately:

“A wife who does a lot of housekeeping!”

Um. Okay.

My nephew Jordan adds helpfully:

“Yeah, a wife who cleans up and cooks. And one who doesn’t talk back to her husband and isn’t really bossy.”

What the?

So obviously, this is what Jordan has taken away from his summer with me.

I’m bossy. I don’t cook. I don’t clean.

Translation: I suck as a wife and a mother.

Not sure why. But Jordan’s words reverberated in my head for the next two days. He meant it off hand. But it struck me like a bull’s eye.

Was it true?

I did a quick inventory. And gulped. Just a few days ago, TH and I got a card for our anniversary from my parents. Our gift? A gift certificate to MaidPro, a housecleaning service.

Yeah. It’s true.

I’m in some kind of zone right now. I got the edits back for my book. Still shilling for Yummy’s. Just got a Big Story for a magazine I’ve never written for before.

We bought a house last year. Haven’t yet bought a washer and dryer. I should go to the laundromat every weekend like the rest of the world.

Except, no.

I don’t do laundromats.

I’ve tried. I’ve schlepped Tog and five blue Ikea bags full of laundry to my neighborhood spot. It takes all day! Do you know how many words I can write in a day? I don’t belong in the laundromat.

I feel like an insufferable diva to admit this. But it’s true. I don’t wash clothes. I send them out to a wonderful woman on Springdale Avenue who returns them back to me the next day. The clothes are expertly folded and smelling great. She even makes sure to wash Tog’s blankie separately in un-scented detergent.

(We won’t talk about how it takes me three days to put the clothes away.)

2. Cooking

I go through phases. I once cooked every single meal that TH and I ate for an entire four month period. We saved lots of money and lost a ton of weight. It was great. Lately, “cooking dinner” involves driving down to Bloomfield Avenue and picking up an order of chicken savoy from Michaelangelo’s.

Tog knows every eatery up and down Bloomfield Avenue, from Newark to Verona. We drive past Panera: “turkey sandwich!” she yells out. We drive past the State Street Grill: “Food! I love food!”. We drive past 7-11: “Slurpee! I want the brown one!”

Yes. I’m ashamed.

But right now, I just can’t do it. I can’t even fathom pulling out pots and pans and whipping something up.

If you live here, you’re on your own for meals for the most part. TG and Tog get some semblance of dinner on a daily basis. TH? He’s lucky if I save him some chicken savoy.

3. Cleaning

I do a lot of straightening. When you have a two year old who likes to draw, play with clay, write on a chalkboard and strew books and toys throughout a very small house, straightening is a necessity. At least three times a day, I’m sweeping through the house, returning things to where they belong.

But deep down cleaning? Under couch scrubbing? Mopping? Sweeping? Dusting?

I did some spring cleaning. But. That was spring.

It’s not like we’re ankle-deep in sludge. But I wouldn’t eat off my floors. All the kissing up to God in the world doesn’t work up in here.

There. I’ve admitted it. It’s all out.

Jordan’s done with his classes and is returning home to his parents today.

Just a few minutes ago, he packed up his suitcases and thanked me for letting him stay with us.

Dear Readers: Do you cook and clean on a daily basis? If you’re planning on marrying and having children, how do you see the separation of responsbilities? Will you cook nightly and clean daily? If you’re already married with children, how do you balance it all? Can I eat off your floors?

45 Responses to The Guilty Admission: I suck. That is all.

Let it be known that I don’t want you to cook if you don’t wanna. But, the poet James Merrill recommended “mixing and marinating” as a way to get words to form sentences in moments of difficulty. Just sayin’, you know, for future reference.

This is why I love being single. When I suck. No one knows but me. I think being a wife and mother brings added pressure that you feel you’re supposed to be living up to a certain expectations, especially if you had the bomb mother that cooked every Sunday and always kept the house clean.

I definitely think the responsibilities should be shared. But there are no hard rules. A woman doesn’t want to be expected to cook and clean all day any more than a man wants to be the sole provider of the family. Teamwork makes the dream work.

Hey, this is 2009. We work hard. We cannot be expected to do it all. Send out that laundry and order up that food, gurl.

I’ll message you my housekeeper’s number. She is the best!!!

You do not suck! But I am very familiar with the guilt.
I kick guilt’s ass on a regular basis. lol

Make all the effort you can, but don’t feel bad when you just can’t do it all.

Aliya, if you suck, then I suck even more. My babysitter cooks and does laundry during the week; I do it on weekends only. I don’t clean. I can’t stand a filthy toilet or tub, but beyond that, all bets are off. I think if you can afford a maid service and a laundry service, you should use them, guilt free. Time is precious, and who wants to spend it on their hands and knees, chasing after dust bunnies? Not me. I think you should spend time doing those household chores you love, and outsource the rest. Besides, no one should be eating off the floor, anyway.

I am not a cleaner, my house is made funny so my kitchen is almost the first thing you see when you walk in, so I have to have the dishes out of the sink, and the floor is clean. But my bedroom? Looks like a closet exploded. The laundry piles up and I am not above buying new underwear to hold off on washing another couple days. My office is so awful looking that my 13 year old daughter just keeps the door closed, and her room is spotless.

I don’t think you have to be a great cook or housekeeper to be a good wife/mother. You nuture a family from your soul and not just from the kitchen. Besides, really clean houses are actually kinda creepy.

my mom has a LOT of housecleaning and traditional mommy-ness in her, so i still feel bad if things get “out of hand”, and i don’t even have a hubby & kids (i feel you, fayemi…).

that said, both cooking & cleaning are therapuetic for me, so i don’t mind doing them and would probably be more vigilant about it if i had a family. but as someone who also writes, i completely understand if the mundane takes away from your craft.

I must admit, I cook and clean on a daily basis. But, I still suck! lol. I cook dinner every night (well every night except Friday when we have pizza and Saturday when we have leftovers) but I dont like doing dishes. The hubs and I did separate responsibility when we got married. He’s in the military so it is quite lopsided since his time at home is limited most days. But, since I dont do toilets, trash or cars… those are his areas. Everything else is on me.

I balance the best way that I can. Prime cleaning hours are when my kids are asleep so they cant pull stuff back out. There is a block of time (while the 2yr old naps) that I use for writing and researching. After nap time, I cook dinner early (around 5) then use the rest of the time to help with homework, start laundry whatever. Everyday doesnt run as smoothly as I’d wish but I’m working at it.

I dont define how great a wife or mother I am by how clean my house is. Some days its exceptional. Others, not so much. I do feel like I suck when there are things everywhere and my 7 year old comes to tell me his hamper is full for the 3rd day in a row. But when he tells me he loves me and asks me how my day was… I think I’m doing pretty good. Those moments are the ones that count anyway. And best of all, they can be had regardless of how clean or dirty your house is

You work from home. Just because you’re home all day doesn’t mean you have to clean all day. If you’re contributing to household income, you BOTH should still be sharing in the household duties. No disrespect but, that’s your YOUNG nephew’s idea of what a wife should be. He’s got a lot of learning and growing up to do, and so does his girlfriend.

From someone who used to work from home 100%, but now only 50%, I know that when people see you at home, they don’t automatically think you have a job. It just doesn’t click in their head. I have to remind my son that I must go to the computer when I get home from the office because these things he wants need to be paid for. And that’s actually all he’s ever known for 8 years is that I work from home. So no, you don’t suck.

Okay…..I feel the exact same. Except, I only write part-time. I’m not working on a book or a major story. So what’s my excuse? Pure laziness.

Kudos for putting that out there. It’s amazing how the little things people say can affect us. I’m the one in my group of friends who does “the drinks” because cooking is out of the question. I often wonder what man will stand for my non-cooking skills. I’m trying though. I’ll cook 1-2 times a week. I clean well. That’s not an issue, although I despise vacumning. I just need to learn how to manage my time better. Thtat’s a major issue for me.

I’m not a wife..hell, I’m not even a girlfriend. I’m just a student living on her own but yes, I clean weekly and cook every other day. I attribute the cleaning to my mother who refused to let a week go by without inspecting the bathroom, kitchen, living room, and bedrooms to see whether I’ve cleaned them. I felt like a child slave from early on.

The cooking every other day part actually came from you, Aliya. A while ago I was reading one of your posts about weight loss and you mentioned a 21-day diet that consisted of no animal products. I guess I assumed that you cooked throughout the 21 days (In my head you’re a superhero and can do it ALL). I didn’t follow the no meat part, but I figured that forgoing fastfood and eating from home would help me lose weight as well as save money.

Despite the superhero image in my head of working mothers in general, your children don’t expect you to do it all, especially children who are old enough to understand how important their parent’s career is. The house is clean, your children and clothed and fed, and your family is living comfortably! That’s all that matters!

Today is the day of the new age woman and the traditional gendered stereotypes of roles that we were socialized to believe are absolute truth is, quite frankly, rarely reinforced. A good wife is a good provider, comforter, the core of the family, there during the rough times (in sickness and in health), and provides love in every aspect of the family. A good wife, when they have not cooked, finds a way to feed the family. A good woman, when nephews need a place to stay, provides that free of charge, but does encourage responsibility. A good mother, when the children are young, exposes them to different cuisine so that they are able to decide and learn about choices early.

Aliya, nothing that you have disclosed makes me think any less of you or your ability to be a good wife, mother, family member, writer, or human. We must begin to stop holding ourselves to the simplistic gender socializations we were persuaded to partake in, in past lifetimes and really begin to emerge and evolve as Women of Today. Good Luck

Aliya, I was raised in a Southern Christian family in New Jersey; no babysitters just afterschool and summers with my grandmothers and great grandmother and lessons on cleaning, cooking, sewing, tending to my grandfathers, and being a “Good Christian Woman/Wife” . At the age of six my great grandmother put me up to a stove (that had to be manually lit…Where was DYFS lol), and instructed me in her strong South Carolina drawl that I was going to learn how to cook “brek-fus” because when all else failed I would always have an egg and a grit to put in my belly. By the time I was eleven I could “keep house” like a “grown woman” and was able to prepare full meals for a family. To the amazement of my friends in high school, college, and even now (I host the best parties) I can go with the best of them…and my home is always inviting (never as clean as my mom’s but it works for me).I was always called Holly Hobby, Suzie Homemaker, Marquetta Stewart (Marthas Black counterpart) etc…etc. BUT none of that makes me a great mom (But trust I win the award daily) nor did it make me a great wife (But I was…Did I mention with all that keeping house I’m divorced…LOL on that too!). What makes us great or unsuck is the time/energy we put into those that we love . So what if TG or TOG won’t remember you slaving over a stove or doing laundry (I hate LAUNDRY!!!) they will grow up and remember ALL the great car rides to there favorite eateries and they’ll have a varied taste buds as a result of your journeys. As for TH it’s obvious he didn’t marry you for your cooking so keep on living and God will give you the grace to balance out the rest. Love you like Cooked Food! Thurselle (always Buffy)

I try to cook at least twice a week, usually on Sunday and maybe midweek. I have one teenager and I keep the house stocked with her favorite cereal and plenty of milk. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is ALWAYS on sale somewhere and scouting it out and buying it is going above and beyond on my part. Growing up I did so much housework that my aunts used to call me Kizzy. I think that’s a big part of why I have such a “who gives a darn” attitude about cleaning now. I don’t mind doing laundry, but I hate folding and putting away. There’s a whole couch in my family room dedicated to clean clothes. I’ll admit that I used to feel bad about sending the kid to the couch to find clean underwear, but clean is better than dirty, right? And obviously I’ve passed the bad habit off. My kid has been doing her own laundry since she was 10. She’s going on 16 now and she adds her clothes to the clean couch as well. I go through cleaning spurts, but if I sit down too long, start watching tv or reading a book, you can pretty much guarantee that half of the house will look like Cinderella came through and the rest will look like the tornado from the Wizard of Oz came through.

I’ve given up on trying to be the great gourmet cook. I don’t make dinner anymore on weeknights, and hope that my husband will come through. We end up eating out a lot. I feel bad when my daughter eats pizza or fast food for dinner, and not carefully steamed organic vegetables. Life, marriage, parenthood, has been about letting my expectations gradually drift southward in the perfection department. Unless a child is actually being hurt (and not just malnourished with an excess of carbs) I just have to let it go. My sanity depends on it.

Oh. I forgot to tell you our household labor divide. I do all the deep cleaning. Mopping floors, scrubbing bathrooms, vaccuming. Husband does dishes, takes out trash, cares for the car, takes child to school and back. On the weekends, we go to the markets together and it’s fun! I am so thankful that I’m married to an evolved man who understands what it is.

You know what? Everything happens for a reason. I stopped by this blog to read Luvvie’s piece. I read Luvvie’s piece and I really liked the style of the intro so I decided to check out some of the other posts. This post is very near and dear to my heart. I work a mid shift management position. I am also a writer in my own head (and on paper, sometimes) and I have recently been trying to channel all of my thoughts and experiences into something tangible. I used to be a cooking, cleaning, domestic goddess but between, family, work, and writing, the domestic stuff has definitely fallen into the
“optional” category. I have been feeling guilty about it lately, especially when my daughter almost drowned, after she tripped and fell head first into a laundry basket overflowing with clothes last week.
This post makes me feel a little bit less guilty about it.

Stop it with this “new aged women” BS … If you work at home you mean to tell me that you can’t clean or cook a meal a few times a week ? Seriously if your husband or who ever works all day can he atleast come home to a clean house and a warn meal where you have been sitting in the comfort of your own home all day ?

Just when we were feeling good and releasing our guilt you just had to go and pull the new age woman card. lol.

Just because some of us work from home doesn’t mean we have time to clean….we are working not sitting around watching Oprah and doing our nails and hair!

Come on be fair! Most of us accomplish a lot in a day. My children excel in school, have impeccable manners and are super happy.

I ain’t tryna be nobody’s superwoman. That’s how we end up overweight and stressed out. Then that’s the next complaint from a man, “babe looks like you’re gaining weight”. Nope. Not tryna be little Ms. Perfect for nobody. As long as my home is full of love and not straight up nasty looking I think I am doing a great job.

Sweetie, you DO NOT suck. You are who you are, why are there no Men wondering if they are bad husbands because they aren’t rushing home to cook and clean? Your husband fell in love with who you are, and he took a vow to love that woman for better or worse. Clearly he has no problem with the amount of time you don’t cook or clean because he gets that time with you. You work – it doesn’t matter if its outside the house, inside the house, in Starbucks, or whereever else – you work. My husband works at night and I expect that he will contribute to what needs to be done in this house when he comes home just like I contribute when I come home. He began a discussion commenting on the fact that he’s tired and needs sleep. Well hell, so am I. He gets tired of take out chinese and chicken so he got it together. You proudly send that laundry out and get your food elsewhere. My mother cooked every night and cleaned the house and did laundry and balanced the checkbook and paid all the bills – and she was the breadwinner. All that to say, I am the furthest from the wife and mother she was, so your girls won’t necessarily be the same wife and mother you are. But they will know you love them from the time they have with you, and thats the only thing you need to worry about sucking at.

I love your having been so candid w/ this story. It is so my story being the Mother of 3. Instead of looking down upon you, I am jealous. I feel as though I need to find someone to address my laundry needs so I’m no longer sitting amongst mountains of dirty clothes and when I finally do get around to washing, mountains of clean clothes. I only just recently did my spring cleaning and it will soon be fall. As for dinner, typically it’s every man, woman and child for him/herself up in here. I ask each of my children what they want and Mommy prepares and Daddy is typically left to his own devices. I try to cook at least once a week. I love to cook actually but don’t love the clean up that follows and as much as I love it, I’m normally so depleted from being home all day w/ the kids and the numerous projects that I’m working on, by time dinner time has arrived, I don’t wanna think about cooking. And we don’t do alot of eating out. I’m counting down to the start of school and I will be releived of some of the exhaustion.

But you definitely don’t suck. Know that there are so many of us that can relate to that which you struggle w/.

And for the one who made the comment about you should at least grant your husband whatever, you don’t have a clue. Trust that although I’m home 24/7, I am not sitting twiddling my thumbs and watching the time go by. If anything, I’m praying for more time. If you saw me, you would understand cause I bust my ass at home the same as I would and have done in a corporate position and throw the kids in the mix and that’s a whole other dynamic. How presumptuous and just plain mean of you.

I have to go on record and say… as a man… that just because a woman doesn’t do certain “house hold duties”, doesn’t necessarily mean that she lacks in the department as a “good” wife or mother for that matter. I think whatever works for your situation works! I cook and clean and do the “spending time with the kids thing” and for me and my situation, it works! The woman I am with is capable of doing the same thing and she does but, if she truly never did any of it (except spending time with the kids) it would still work! We have a nice system…I cook, she cleans or I’ll cook and clean and she does the laundry, but however we break it down…it still works!!! Women do have a lot to “deal” with and I tip my hat off to the women who try and balance it the best they can on their own! When you do have a situation where you’re married with children its supposed to be waaaaaaaaaaaaay more GROUP participation, that’s why they call it a UNION!! I do and you do but WE do it in a way that is cohesive! I cant be a lazy ass husband and question my wife when she doesn’t “feel like” doing sh!t! When you’re with someone the team of one becomes the team of two…period!!

Naah…. you don’t suck. My house isn’t pristine. My retired father lives with my son and me…(I inherited him when my Mom passed) he’s stuck in the days of yore when he worked and everything else was just magically taken care of.

Now my Mom… an amazing woman. She was a hairdresser. She would be up at 5 getting things organized and getting ready for work, get my brother and me off to school, work a 10 or 12 hour day, get home, make dinner, homework, baths, laundry, clean, etc, until 1 or 2 in the morning, then do it all again the next day. Of course, my Mom died at 58. Hmmmm…. and do you think she ever got the thanks or credit she deserved. Ummm… no. I seriously doubt her last wish was time to fold one last load of towels or make one last casserole.

My house is clean enough that I’m not embarrassed for ppl to see it. I cook on my days off. My Dad… he keeps my son for me, but if I want the child to eat, I leave money or make stuff Dad can reheat in the microwave. I work 12 hr shifts as a nurse… I don’t have it in me to put in another 6 or 8 hours when I get home from that.

My son is happy, clean, well clothed and healthy. It works for us. I’m not trying to miss the good stuff in his life because there’s a ring in the bathtub.

Oh, forgot to mention…. Mom also made sure the bills were paid, the lawn was mowed and gutters cleaned. Dad never knew what debt was until after Mom died…. a truly spoiled rotten brat, that father of mine!

Hi everyone! I am the nephew that Aliya is speaking of (lol). I did not know that she would turn it into a blog nor did i know that it would generate so many responses. Anyway i was not saying that Aliya was a bad wife and mother. i simply answered her question. Maybe you women who are getting so defensive need to look at your own lives. Because i think that although you guys pretend to be this “new age” empowered woman deep down y’all know that y’all need to be performing some of the wifely duties. I think that that “new aged” destiny’s child independent woman attitude is just an excuse for the fact that y’all lazy as hell and to proud to be considered somewhat a housewife. And i’m going to assume that its mainly black women who have a problem with these certain duties or being labeled a “house wife..” maybe thats why a lot of y’all aren’t married and black men are gettin them a nice white woman who doesn’t mind cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids… lol

If you ride past I Hop does she say, “Come hungry. Leave happy!” If she does, I’ll knock you out.

We’re not gonna mention Thanksgivings, huh? hehe.

I love you Aliya. You’re a writer. If you dont have time do all the “housewife stuff”, don’t do it. Just make sure you have enough dough to pay for it. If not, you’re just a dirty bum.

Look. I have a maid. (Mira) The “Springdale lady’s name is Fefa. (yup! I know her)
All I’m sayin is I get my clothes washed (at the same spot) and I have a maid. Guess what? I’m single with no kids. So put that in your pipe and smoke it for anyone that frowns on that. You wear way more hats than me and I justify it by saying, “I dont do it cause I dont f’ing feel like it!” You dont have to defend yourself to anyone or feel bad cause you dont want to do that stuff. Just make sure it gets done and keep that gwap rollin in from the writing assignments. Its a trade off.

Now if you were just watching soaps and not doing anything, I’d have to give it to you like a real friend should.

Tell Fefa I said hi and I have a light load this week. (She loves me.)

Hey Aliya. I applaud you for not censoring Jordans comment. Censoring is not you. You are an upfront person. Let your audience be as candid as they want also. They’ll appreciate you more for it. If you did that, it would’ve been your first step in your yellow brick road walk to fame in selling out. Thanks for at least waiting till you hit television or radio first. Whew!

How come I never met Jordan. He’s mad funny. I like the kid.

And dont blow it off as a joke. Cause although it might not apply to you, it applies to a lot. Hey Jordan, if I had a talk show, I’d bring you up to the station for a day. LOL.

Paul is da man! Please believe if I had enough money, I would hire a cook and a driver. Well…I kinda do hire cooks, cuz I eat take out 95% of the time (working on that for my pockets’ sake). I don’t really mind cleaning. I don’t have kids, and at this rate, I don’t plan on having any. I have a hard enough time taking care of myself.

Please do not feel guilty! I have an older friend that once told me “parenting is the biggest guilt trip you could ever imagine!” She was so right. Not Cooking and cleaning does not make you a bad mother as long as you know it has to be done. So, I think sending the clothes and ordering food is asking for help where you need it! Why not use the resources America has afforded us? People have been doing this for hundreds of years! My grandmother was always someone’s Nanny/House keeper.

I have been over this with friends and really there are no Moms left in this day and age that can “do it all,” whatever that means!

I work and have 3 children and would rather pay the lady that cleans every other weekend than a bill! I am serious it is all too much and as for cooking I try to do this simply and I mean simply on Sunday – Thursday. We also have Burnett’s BBQ phone number programmed in our phone as well as some other eateries. No shame in my game! Many people think that is ridiculous to ask/pay for help, but I think it is ridiculous not to! Keep your head up and keep writing! Much success to you!

BTW Michelle Obama’s Mom is in the White House helping her now as we type! : )

Hi All,
I would like to add to this juicy discussion by starting off with an old saying with a little K.P. twist “If the shoes don’t fit, don’t buy them.

As a reminder to myself and all women, I ask this question “Do we or do we not ask men to be completely honest? especially when we really need to know, we may say things like (“just tell the truth”) or (“don’t lie,”) ring a bell?
Then when the man answers our questions or makes a statement according to their truth, and it does not align with our perception or even with the most popular opinion, we can become defensive, offended, and just plain madd, and then we wonder why our men choose not to be transparent nor engage in genuine conversation, some just want to keep the peace. How Sad:(

Signed,

From the Diary of: I have an opinion and would like to hear yours, sometimes.

I think everyone here has acknowledged that we will guilty when we slack off in our responsbilities in the home and we do not negate them. We are only simply also acknowleding that we work very hard and our positives far outweigh our faults/flaws/shortcomings, however you wanna look at it. For anyone who feels women need to step it up I say that’s a fine and valid opinion. All others things should be considered. There is not enough appreciation, understanding and compassion for the women today and all we do. I appreciate those who get it and ignore those who don’t. I’m just saying. lol

You are speakin my language woman.
I have some serious guilt right now becuase I feel like I can’t keep up with all the responsibilites in my life!!!! I just got anew job, new house, and just got married, and I am completely OVERWHELMED/exhausted/deflated because I feel like my house is never clean enough, I never cook for my hubby enough, and my job consumes all my time and even that I’m not doing good enough at. How are we supposed to balance all these things with being a loving wife and housekeeper?? I don’t even know how I’m gonna handle it when I have a kid!