As Accurate as a Magic 8-Ball

As is the way of the world, sometimes people have questions. These questions frequently regard animals, plants or minerals, though some are more abstract. Some people who have questions, and are familiar with the internet, will pose their queries to the internet at large, or a targeted group of readers, such as Metafilter (of which I am a member). If you are one of these people, today is your lucky day, as I have decided to answer a great slew of questions in one fell swoop.

If you have to ask the internet and…

… if you have to use more than three sentences to explain your super-special but yet complicated situation with your not-quite-but-almost-a-partner, you should most likely not be in this relationship for the long haul.

… if your question begins with, “I am (insert over-18 age) and I live with my parents,” a large part of the answer is probably to move out.

… if you are concerned about your health, then you should see a doctor.

… if your dog/cat/rabbit/chinchilla/hamster is acting oddly, you should call a vet.

… if your question is super long and of a personal or interpersonal nature, the answer will almost always involve ‘seek therapy.’

… if you are in an unhealthy relationship with a parent/sibling/partner/child, start by setting some boundaries. If you do not wish to do this, there’s not much else that can be advised. See the above point.

… if you are not tech-savvy enough to know what spam is, you should not be trying to keep tabs on your family by reading their email.

… if you caught someone because you were spying on them, what they did is irrelevant because you are a jerk. If it is this question combined with the above point, you are also a moron.

… if you have to ask, do not eat it.

… if something broke, nine times out of ten you should have someone more knowledgeable than you fix it, or buy a new one. If you broke it, you cannot be trusted to fix it even if you are told how, because after all you are the one who broke it.

… if you want a group of strangers to justify your actions, don’t do it.

… if you are asking on behalf of an anonymous friend, your cover is already blown, so just own it and give up the details.

… if your question relates to a dim memory of a song/movie/book from your childhood, see this as an opportunity to improve your Google skills.

… if your question is about how to ask better questions, you need a hobby.

(h/t to Sonika for her collaboration and for listening to my frustrations)