PIE AND MASH-EATING GLORY MONKEYS

Arsenal have long seemed the least English of England's Big Cup participants and for that some patriots have disliked them. There are clear signs, however, that the Gunners may tonight endear themselves to that unimpressed constituency by recreating one of the most celebrated episodes in British military history. Because Captain Louis Nolan's understated pre-charge pep-talk to the Light Brigade appears to have inspired Arsène Wenger. "There is your enemy," declared Nolan as he pointed to the mighty force before him one mad day in 1854, before adding nonchalantly: "And there are your guns."

Wenger's take on that ahead of tonight's bloodbath in Barcelona? "This Barcelona team is the best that I've faced because they play at a higher pace collectively," he boomed before effectively pointing to a couple of brittle pea-shooters at the far end of the Valley of Death and adding: "But Diaby has become a very important player in our squad while Denilson, after a little dip, is coming back very strong."

Yes, Britain has a strange relationship with its military past. Despite being a nation that conquered half the world through fire and sadism, it likes to imagine itself as a valiant underdog and its two most valued memories derive from when it was hopelessly outgunned or outmanoeuvred – hence Arsenal may be acclaimed if they tackle Barça head on despite being shorn of Cesc Fábregas, Andrey Arshavin, Robin van Persie, William Gallas and Alex Song, and saddled with Sol Campbell. The non-cheese-eating glory monkeys may also be praised, of course, if they invoke the famous Dunkirk spirit, and just cut and run.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"They kept a core of good players. They kept players with b*llocks" – Kevin Blackwell has clearly checked that no pesky eunuchs sneaked into Newcastle's promotion-winning team.

HE IS THE RESURRECTION

Wayne Rooney is definitely out of Manchester United's Big Cup crunch with Bayern Munich tomorrow. Not a cat-shaped ice sculpture's chance in hell of playing. Undeniably, unequivocally, inarguably out, out, out. Well, possibly. Lord Ferg was at his impenetrable best today, mind-gaming like Derren Brown cavorting with Dr Kawashima on a vast chess board while IDM booms out from a set of gigantic speakers. According to Ferguson, Rooney definitely won't play. Probably.

At first Rooney was less likely to perform at Old Trafford than mid-90s Oasis, with the ankle-knack suffered in Munich last Tuesday serious enough to keep him out for "two to three weeks". "It could have been worse given the way he hobbled off," said Lord Ferg on Friday. "But it's out of the way, we can put it to one side and get on with our job on the pitch." Then on Sunday United's medical staff ramped up his chances of playing to "40%", sparking hopes of a comeback up there with Lazarus, Meat Loaf and Cheltenham at Burton Albion a few weeks ago.

Those hopes were initially squashed by Lord Ferg today. "He's got no chance," he said. "We've made some good progress with the lad, the medical team have done fantastic, but I'm not prepared to take a risk on a player who is not 100% fit. The boy is making good progress but it is an ankle injury the same as any other ankle injury. You can't take a risk with a player who is not 100%."

So far, so clear. But Ferguson allowed a chink of light to creep in under the slammed door, a sliver of doubt amid the certainty, a muddy scoop of nuance dropped into the limpid pool of ... you get the idea. "I don't think he will be on the bench although he might talk me into it," he added. "It is a difficult one." So yet again the Manchester United manager has kept everyone guessing. Like the rest of us, though, Louis Van Gaal has seen and heard it all before.

FREE £10 BLUE SQUARE BET

FIVER LETTERS

"Is anyone else slightly miffed by Arsène Wenger hailing the current Barcelona team as 'the best he's faced?' I'd love to see Xavi and Messi try to tiki taki it through Tony Adams, Martin Keown, Patrick Vieira and Emmanuel Petit in their prime. They would have left the pitch with bruises more indigo-blue than their shirts. And Manchester United in 1999 and Chelsea in José Mourinho's first season were both pretty special too" - Richard Dacey.

"If Liverpool manage to win the Euro Vase and get fourth place in the Premier League then I assume they will - as a point of principle - insist on defending their trophy next season and pass up a Big Cup place? I mean, it is a principle isn't it?" - Geoff Saunders.

"Did anyone notice if Rafael Benítez's guarantee included the address to which Liverpool fans can now return this season and swap it for one that works?" - Simon Cherry.

BITS AND BOBS

Rafa Benítez reckons Liverpool can still make fourth place in the Premier League. "[City] have some difficult games, so we just have to win our fixtures. Football is so special. You think 'Oh we'll win there and maybe lose there'," he said, failing to add 'you take off your only decent striker there'," but then everything changes."

As a sign of the big names Rafa will be bringing in for next year's stroll to the Big Cup final, he has taken an interest in Rangers' 18-year-old centre-back, Danny Wilson. "I can confirm that Liverpool have expressed an interest but a lot of clubs are keeping abreast of Danny's situation," said Rangers top bod Martin Bain.

Nedum Onuoha has indicated that he is ready to turn his back on England and represent Nigeria at the World Cup.

And Peterborough have confirmed the appointment of Gary Johnson as their new manager. "I went out to Orlando in America last week," said Johnson, although what's wrong with Peterborough we don't know, "and the chairman sold the club to me with his enthusiasm, drive and determination."

The Fiver's Happy Goblin-drinking, pipe-smoking, boat-shoe-wearing, upright-standing, Tunbridge Wells-loving cousin email, The Spin, has landed and it's beside itself after a week in which cricket has gone all football and made the headlines with telephone marriages, drink-driving arrests and lost cats. Harrumph, says Andy Bull.