“Slim-Thick” Is the New Oxymoron That Nobody Needs

Let me preface this column by saying that I am all about Fetty Wap. I may not have robins on my jeans, a Glock in my ‘rari, or what I’m assuming is a debilitating cataract in one eye, but the dude makes straight jams. If I’ve blacked out to “Trap Queen” once, I’ve done it a thousand times, and I’m wholly convinced that he’s the best hook man in the game today (just ask Lil Dicky).

However, I do have to hold him accountable for one new burgeoning body image descriptor that I absolutely have a problem with: slim-thick. On college campuses all across the nation, I have seen and heard the lyric “slim-thick with yo cute ass” thrown out as the newest oxymoronic compliment to larger ladies as a pitiful attempt at a pickup.

This is certainly not the first attempt at describing that unique phenomenon where a girl isn’t necessarily fat, but you know that those yoga pants are holding back more constricted mass than the Three Gorges Dam. Taking off her clothes is like removing the packaging on a tightly-wrapped ham. You definitely can’t see any abs, but there aren’t necessarily any rolls either. In the current world of 2016, this type of girl has become insanely popular.

At first, it was “skinny-fat.” I begrudgingly accepted this new colloquialism, mostly because I couldn’t think of anything better to use and it seemed to incorporate the dual nature of the phenomenon. I still prefer calling these people “kind of overweight,” but that just doesn’t have the suave element of ease that a catchphrase does. Not to mention it was predominantly a male descriptor, and more often than not used as a self-debasing expression justifying your acceptance of the way you look naked.

But slim-thick goes too far. When used to describe a girl, it implies that they’re thin in some places, yet chunky in others. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but that’s just called having a fat ass and big tits. Now, if both of those attributes are of the natural variety, it’s pretty standard to have some misplaced adipose tissue in other places of the body as well. And that’s fine. But call it what it is; you like bigger girls. And that’s absolutely fine, too. Masking it in a hip new term is just avoiding the truth. Not to mention, that body type is incredibly difficult to maintain in the long term. Eventually. metabolism slows down and the parts that were slim will become thick, with the thick parts transitioning to straight-up fat. That generous body has an expiration date, and we’ll see who’s still around thirsting for that booty in a couple years’ time.

Really, what the issue boils down to is that we men want to say, “Hey, you’ve got a really great ass and tits,” but of course we can’t just come out in the open and say that. More often than not, we’d offend the girl and end up with some vodka cranberry on our new gingham shirt. But hiding it behind some nonsense jargon is suddenly acceptable because we fit the term “slim” in there. Guaranteed the same girls who love being called slim-thick would feel quite differently if you left out the first word. But they haven’t caught on yet, or, if they have, they’re willingly ignoring the implications.

Just do me a favor. Don’t fall into this trap. Just like something that waddles and quacks is probably a duck, a girl with a gigantic ass is probably kind of big. I don’t make the rules; I just call them like I see them. And you should, too..