So I said to my wife who is 13 years younger then me, -
'Love, if nature takes its natural course, then by rights, I should pass before you do'
'I suppose so' she said.
'Can I ask just one thing of you?' I asked.
'Of course my love, what is it'?
I said, 'I dont want you to be lonely if and when it happens and would expect you to enjoy the company of another man after a suitable time has passed'
'Oh my' she said, 'thats very loving of you'
'All I ask is that you'll promise me you wont let him ride my motorbike' I said.
'Oh no of course I wont' she said,'in any case he doesn't have a bike licence'

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of
things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's only got a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?', he asks, 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears..

With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.

As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!!!!

The human race has truly lost the plot. Pulled up at the bus stop and an elderly lady is there in a wheelchair with a friend, I got off bus to put down the ramp to let her on and a girl with a push chair tried to elbow us all out of the way. I said let the wheelchair on first. " Yeah and if I do that she will take up all the buggy/wheelchair space" I told her she could always fold the buggy up (child was about 5). That got a withering look.
She then got on bus sat herself in the elderly and disabled seats and whined and bitched all the way about people taking her space on the bus. Then refused to move for two elderly gentlemen with sticks. Someone asked her to move and the reply was " I'm Facebooking mate, it's like important"

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go and turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed, stealing things.

He called the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” and George said, “No,” and explained the situation. The police said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and called the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I have a rifle and I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armored Unit and an ambulance arrived and caught the robbers red-handed.

“Listen carefully sailor, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It their last names only; Carter,Davidson,Cooper, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”