8-Bit Troll: Stage 12-Teen “Put Some Respek on My Game”

Gremlik here! Another terrible month of March avoided. April has been at least doable. I was rather disappointed that Limp Bizkit never showed up for their 4/20 concert. To add insult to injury, not only was I surrounded by society’s worst, but one of those Jnco wearing Juggalos bumped me, causing the spill of my Cool Ranch Doritos and Surge. Tried to control my anger, sometimes it can only be expressed by biting and ripping. Unfortunately They had to shut down the Gas Station early. April news, go!

Michael Cera cast as Darkseid in a Future DC Film

The DC Cinematic universe is enriched to its highest high. “We trust in the Z-Man’s casting decision” says Lloyd parks of WB. “There will be no CGI used at all. Cera has the range and build needed for the character.” One of the most artistically intellectual decisions, since changing Bane’s Voice in the Dark Knight Rises. His first appearance as the Supreme Monarch is unknown.

Gremlik Reviews Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Justice league junior was loaded with stuff. Batman and Cavill had a cool scrap. I had a hard time getting into the movie because Doomsday looked so much like my buddy Goober. In fact he’s considering filing suit against Bugs bunny for likeness infringement. Kids were asking him for his autograph afterward. Got a solid laugh out of that. Wish I could have had one during the movie. Everyone was so sad. I already came into it with a bad mood! Stubbed me pinky toe on the Ikea futon.

I’ve been more entertained running virus scans on my computer. Woman wonder was there. Stuff blew up, and Bat-Ben killed people. Was wondering when Spider-Man would show up, but he never did. False advertising on their part. Still the storylines built for future flicks peeked my interest. We’ll have to see when Avengers Infinity War releases how everything ties together. Someone put Katt Williams in here or Doug Christley. The lack of fun caused me to break the popcorn machine on my way out. I give Batman v Superman: Civil War4.2 Snots out of 7

Tom Clancy’s Boiling Point Announced

Bridging the gap between The Division and Ghost Recon: Wildlands comes a VR experience like no other. Film legend and real-life lawman Steven Seagal stars in Tom Clancy’s Boiling point. The game points out the lethal dangers of global warming and the effect it has on civilian life. Seagal’s character (Forrest Hatcher) must take down the terrorist group known as The Muchos Malos. In order to extract his own brand of justice, El Rojo (Louis C.K.) has decided to give the world a taste of his native peoples drinking water by raising global temperatures.

While it’s easy to quickly dispose of enemies, players will have to stay alert. It only takes one death to end the 13 hour campaign. Staying alive is your only choice. For a game this hard, you need a main character that’s even harder.

Seagal is such a threat in this game, that higher difficulty levels make it harder for the enemies rather than the player.

“When designing a tactical shooter that’s one and done-zo, we wanted to give players a fighting chance. Steven Seagal’s track record of survival in his movies speaks for itself. The clear choice from the start, we didn’t even consider another option. He is The Final Option.” -Ives Greenwood, Ubi

Early Access System Set To Dominate the Market in 2016-2017

Milton Bradley has reemerged into the world of gaming. 80’s Warriors have joined forces to design this “Maximum-Machine”. Introducing The Vectrex “Wildcat”, an Early Access system for the survivor inside of you. With its finely crafted parts distributed on a Bi-Monthly basis, expect an ever evolving set-up. This beast is fully-loaded with: 4K Glasses, AMD 290 graphics card, Intel i5-4590 processor, 18GB of RAM, 6 USB ports, 3 HDMI ports. $650 (Per Bi-monthly Cycle) nets you the following:

Phase One: The Controller

The ControllRoar® is sent first so that gamers get a good grasp on the future. Their survival instincts will be hardened and prepped.

This 24 button controller gives players the ability to call the shots without even picking up the phone. Along with it’s massive play options, Player sensitive LED lights on the controller change depending on the person’s mood. “Some might say it’s too much, but I say it’s puuuurrrfect.” says Emilio Burlap of MB. “Trust us, you’ll know it when you need it.”

Phase 2: Games Galore

Our Wildbunch® Launch bundle comes with the best unfinished games to match your console experience. Def Jam: Fight For Respek, Hitman, and Street Fighter V. Early Access for a system far ahead of the curve. Such a sweet deal.

Phase 3: The Console

We want to absolutely-confirm this system is safe and secure. Hold onto it, make sure it looks luxurious as possible within your living area.

Phase 4: Power Cords

Now the power is in your hands. Plug in the Wildcat, and get ready to feel the loud roar of next-gen gaming. Vectrex is back for good.