Right now I am house sitting in Echo Park. There is a writing studio and the writing desk faces a floor-to-ceiling window. As I sit at the desk, I see the succulents in the ground and the lemons hanging on the branches. I see palm fronds and eucalyptus leaves that glitter in the sunlight.

Today I can’t stop staring at the red leaves in the garden. In the light, the little leaves look bright like blood, and I think, The beauty is distracting. I think, I have to focus, I have to edit.

Then I remember the place, the one place I won’t walk away from. The place is a concept. It’s a commitment to myself. I promised always to do what brings me happiness. Like stare at the blood red leaves or edit an interview for my favorite magazine.

***

Just this morning, I watched a hummingbird hover in the air. The beauty startled me and I began almost to cry. I became aware of the moment, small, tiny. I became aware of how fleeting it was. How fleeting life is, my life.

***

When she returned to Los Angeles, we had dinner at my favorite Thai restaurant. After she paid for dinner, we got up from the table and she said, I thought I did something wrong.

No, I said. I couldn’t look her in the eye.

I said, I just have trouble staying.

Zoe Ruiz is the former managing editor of The Rumpus. Her work has appeared in The Weeklings, Salon, Two Serious Ladies, and Ohio Edit. She studied creative writing at UC Santa Cruz and now lives in Los Angeles.
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