November 2014:When I am struggling, friends sometimes say: “Go read your own blog!” Well, this past week has been a doozy of curve balls and losses. I recalled the blog below, from December 2010. I’m a bit embarrassed to share it, because it feels like I’ve been mostly depressed since then! Truth be told, the past 4 years have, indeed, been a severe string of betrayal, physical assaults, family hostility and loss. So, yes, I just went and read my own blog. Because this one – written in the midst of processing a trauma – is “Holly at her best.” Transparency, counsel, action, hope, resilience. Onward.
Thanks for reading. Love to you and all. OM Shanti.

When I was around 6 years old, my mom would drive my sisters and I to a farm outside of DC for horseback riding lessons. A few weeks into our series, a horse threw me to the dirt! I remember bouncing along the ground (I was a chubby little gal), standing up, brushing myself off, and getting right back on the horse – before my teacher or mom could give that standard warning, “If you don’t get back on the horse, you’ll never ride again.” At that young age, I instinctively knew that getting back on the horse was my only option.

So, as I navigate the “throws” of life – even those that take a longer recovery – deep down I know I’ll bounce back.

Reaching the close of 2010, I wish I could promise friends, students and readers that THIS IS THE LAST TIME I’ll share about the betrayal I experienced this past summer. I, myself, wish this will be the last time that I dredge up that pain in this blog. The positive? Each time I write about the pain, I inevitably write about the healing and growth.

Thankfully I’ve been programmed that way from a very young age!

You must know that you can swim through every change of tide. – This morning’s Yogi Tea bag message.

It feels like everywhere I turn these days, writers, teachers and songs are encouraging me to drop my guard and jump into life with abandon. I’d love to. And I appreciate the encouragement! But the truth is, I’m terrified.

Fears related to the summer’s emotional trauma (and its related past-trauma triggers) are bubbling up again for a few reasons. Lately I’ve received invitations to connect with human beings. (Go figure!) A little romance, some friendships. Gratefully, despite (or perhaps due to?) my history as a trauma survivor, deep in my heart, I adore humans, humanity and humanness. In addition, with 6 months between the summer’s emotional shell shock and today’s invitations, my trust in others is gradually reawakening.

So as new life beckons, I simultaneously feel like jumping in…and running away.

I have been taught – and so I believe – that there is great value in sharing about difficulty and the process of surviving it. Not just for my own release and rebirth, perhaps also for someone who has gone or might go through something similar. So here goes. And maybe, this will be the last time.

Who says I can’t be free
From all of the things that I used to be
Rewrite my history –
Who says I can’t be free?
– John Mayer

Falls from horses were not the only dangers of my childhood. My family household was chaotic and violent, driven by addiction and emotional illness. Through a certain age, I found solace in music and god. I wrote and performed songs (escape), often sang myself to sleep (comfort) and craved spiritual experience (protection). At the same time, I existed in a state of self-preservation and readiness – prepared for the sky to fall at any moment. Witnessing the model of my three older sisters, who frequently ran away from home, I kept a small night bag packed with pajamas and toiletries, in case I ever had to run.

Eventually, the false strength of self-reliance and isolation won out over the gentle support of god and music. I took care of myself and often had to play other family-members’ roles. I learned to construct elaborate lies about the screaming fights, ambulances, lateness to school and other troubles. And for relief from the hiding and responsibility, my own addictions kicked in by age 11.

My parents are not to blame. The inevitable fallibility of lineage shaped them as parents, and they did their best with what they had. As did my sisters, whose only choice was to protect themselves and therefore grow apart from each other and me. Although I was resentful toward my parents beyond my college years, I eventually grew to see the bigger picture, and soulfully love and appreciate Mom and Dad for all they offered.

I share this family background to illustrate how it informed my adult life. Self-reliance, isolation and addiction do not nurture “normal” maturity! Poor decisions led to dangerous situations and more trauma. My gravitation back toward spiritual reliance began around Easter of 1990 after I hit an emotional and physical bottom while living in New Orleans. That summer I would teach myself to meditate by focusing on one sense at a time. This was the beginning of my relationship with the present moment, with “what is,” and with inner peace.

Some believe we are here to work out our past karma.. i need to remind myself that karma is not punishment.. just consequence. – Ricky Tran, Yoga Teacher

For the next twelve years, I sought personal wellness – and to learn how to relate well with others. I continued meditation, started practicing yoga (yay!), used therapy, experimented with different religious and spiritual traditions, changed my diet and pretty much tried anything that might make me feel better. Despite my best intentions, I also continued manifesting different shades of the violence and chaos of my childhood.

Continued active addiction, associated behaviors and unaddressed past trauma cemented me in old patterns. Not until 2002, when I had a moment of clarity and sought help for addiction, did life crack open and truly begin to change.

Our December [2010] class focus is Abundance. I am sharing honestly about my past because for a long time, I felt ashamed of my journey of stumbles. Now I believe I have nothing to hide. And because of my own transformation, I have faith in every person’s ability to recover from the serious mistakes or conditions of their past. All it takes is the willingness to ask for help. Abundant growth is possible for all.

Today, all of my positive influences from the past 20 years work in-concert to encourage productive relationships, wellness of body, mind and spirit, productive relationships and serenity. At the same time, just like for everyone else on this Earth, life happens. Sometime life throws some curve balls. And sometimes we get hit by a pitch.

I was hit by a pitch this past summer. The man I’d been seeing for 6 months revealed something shocking that he’d been hiding. Not only did the lying hurt horribly, in addition, the nature of what he was hiding could have endangered my own well-being, and, it triggered much of my past emotional trauma. Sadly, I lost trust and love for everyone. I lived in fear.

Thankfully, the week before that bomb was dropped, I had emerged from a week-long Off The Mat Into The World training at the Omega Institute. The “Yoga, Purpose & Action” Intensive taught self-inquiry, collaboration and activation as tools for cultivating a more sustainable approach to service work. These became the exact tools that I used to trudge through the relationship shock. I didn’t run, I didn’t hide, I didn’t go back to addictive ways.

Despite the fear, I forced myself to reach out (ugh), and I got support (ahhh).

Always do what you are afraid to do. – Ralph Waldo Emerson, Poet & Essayist

At one point in the Fall, I was catapulted into an impenetrable state of anger and disgust after unexpectedly running into my ex. It broke my heart to harbor such negative emotions, when all I yearned for is to love and trust human beings again. I gained counsel with Father Tom Ryan – a Catholic Paulist priest and Kripalu yoga teacher – who was firm with me regarding solutions. He made concrete suggestions for ritualizing the transformation of anger/disgust into forgiveness/compassion.

While I was integrating those suggestions into my practices, I had a session with Somatic Therapist Lois Clinton, whose nurturing and skillful treatment awakened a sense of safety and trust. It’s hard to describe how Somatic Therapy works. In my experience, we identified certain grounding resources (i.e. deep three-part yogic breathing), constantly redirected to the present moment by working with open eyes (vs. getting stuck in the past with closed eyes), and discharged physically stuck trauma (i.e. vibrating hands, clearing lungs). It was subtle and yet powerful!

With the clarity from my session with Lois, I followed through with one of Fr. Ryan’s suggestions. I wrote a brutally honest letter to my ex – with absolutely no intention to send it. On the New Moon of Diwali, I burned the letter. Sure enough, as I watched the ashes and scraps of paper float down a swirling, swollen creek, the negativity was released, I felt a thousand pounds lighter, and the shift toward complete healing was profound.

I couldn’t be more grateful to all of the teachers, healers and advisers who stepped up to the plate to support me through this tough time. Decades of being willing and open toward these liberating processes have opened doors to immense transformation and emotional sobriety. When life happens, I am fortunate to have a huge tool box of resources, practices and people who support me through anything – from celebrations to disappointments.

Trauma is a fact of life; so is resilience. – Hala Khouri, Off The Mat Into The World Co-founder

Earlier I mentioned that there are a few reasons my fears were recently triggered. This week, I attended a spiritual gathering where the guided meditation was about forgiveness. Immediately, I acknowledged the potential risk of participating, and decided to stay anyway. The instructor asked us to recall an instance where someone hurt us…and then, to offer that person forgiveness. It was tough. I had to open my eyes to see I was safe, surrounded by (yes) trusted spiritual fellows. I could feel my entire body vibrating. Tears flowed. I wasn’t sure if I was forgiving or releasing. But I knew I needed to stay in the process.

Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try. – Ryan Bingham, Songwriter

This morning, I was struck with a note of sadness about the summer situation. I am grateful to say that, for the first time in months, I did not connect this morning’s emotion with all the sad traumas of my past. It was, simply and specifically, sadness about the loss of my relationship and how much it hurt to be lied to.

Regarding the fresh fears from social invitations…I am rigorously honest with each person, letting them know the shakiness I feel about connecting, particularly romantically. One day my heart will be ready to try again. I know that I must make myself humanly vulnerable again. I’m just not there yet. But I will be. I will bounce back.

You will not find a spiritual master that will suggest you play it safe, or a sacred text that advises you to avoid pain at all costs. – Max Strom, Yoga Teacher and Writer

To me, some “self-help” messages sound like the old idiom “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.” That harkens of my childhood of packed bags and lonely songs. But when I read firmly encouraging words like Max’s, I yearn so deeply for love, trust and emotional freedom that I cry.

Thank you gentle teachers and butt-kickers, skillful healers and wise advisers for the abundant encouragement, inspiration and motivation you have so generously shared throughout my life. You assure me that all experiences – throws, stumbles and curve balls of all kinds – are opportunities for growth.

“Whoever is happy will make others happy too. He who has courage and faith will never perish in misery.” – Anne Frank

My whole body is vibrating.

Just now, I lit my 100th stick of “Happy Heart” incense and repeated the words I’ve said each morning since August 28th – “My intention today is to grow toward joy.” Today the intention felt larger, more expansive than a practiced Sankalpa or resolution. Today, that statement felt like a responsibility.
Instead of re-hashing my entire journey from August forward, I invite you to check out my “The Happy Heart Project: 100 Days Toward Joy” and other blogs I wrote along the way. It’s been quite a trip, and at times a stumble. Over time, The Project became more than a simple morning ritual. It motivated more effort than I’ve ever made in my decades of spiritual practice.

I don’t do any of this for myself. By “any of this” I mean the 100-day rituals, the blogging, the yoga, the recovery work, the healing practices. Well, OK, yes. First I do it for myself – so I can transform, strengthen. But only so I can share experiences with, pass-on resources to, show up for and be of service to others.

* * *

“It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit.” – Anonymous

Resentment is ongoing anger or bitterness due to insult or injury. The etymological root of the word simplifies the meaning even more: a repeated feeling. Any feeling. So a resentment could be full of anger or fear, pride or longing. The fact is, if we are re-feeling something related to a past experience, clearly, we are unable to live in the present. Our past pains or even successes haunt us. We are shut off.

I consider myself a happy person. Someone who leans toward the light. Generally, I am able to accept life’s ups and downs while maintaining a hopeful and positive attitude.

This summer, after a mugging in June I had a series of PTSD responses that magnified negative stories, limited beliefs and destructive patterns cultivated from what seemed like a lifetime of unresolved trauma. I was harboring major resentments – against past aggressors, against myself, against the world. By August, I’d become hopeless. It was a dark, dark time.

* * *

“It is through practicing and living through a series of agreeable and disagreeable situations that we attain full awakening.” – Suzuki Roshi, author and Zen Master

Over the past 100 days, one of my foundational beliefs was constantly validated: Moving toward joy does not mean escaping pain, avoiding discomfort nor skirting around darkness. It means greeting that pain, discomfort and darkness with an informed reality instead of habitual despair. It means digging deep to reach that informed reality, to trudge toward the answers, to sit in the messiness, to look straight at the fears and patterns. It means surrendering to help and change instead of resigning to the same old despair, depression and rage.

In life there is ease, there is tranquility and there is light…and at times, there is not. In that very acceptance, I can cultivate happiness. I can experience joy. And with strong, committed and consistent effort, the habitual despair can be completely undone.

As Roshi says, it takes “practicing” and “living.”

Burning a stick of incense each morning was a tiny and symbolic gesture. Although the repeated intention that accompanied that act truly set the wheel in motion, reinforcing a Sankalpa involves much more than words.

Over the past 100 days, there were layers and layers of practices and life. There was the changing of seasons; there was an Ayurvedic diet for Pitta Pacification; there were increased actions in my recovery program and the huge exhale when reaching nine years clean and sober; there was daily 5:30am Sadhana of prayer, Pranayama and meditation; there were willing visits to medical professionals who specialize in PTSD and related conditions; there was the swallowing of unusual vitamins and supplements; there were specific songs that I listened to and sang until sobbing from liberation; there was soulful abandon during concerts by spiritual songwriters and chanters; there were awkward moments with trusted friends, reunions with old pals and exciting connections with new soul mates; there was immersion in the Occupy movement’s writings and videos in order to challenge my own fears of conflict and solidly reinforce my purpose of peace; there were the Jewish High Holy Days, with their sorrow, atonement, forgiveness and love; there were transformational workshops, retreats and classes with Seane Corn, Max Strom, Amy Barnes, Corrine Champigny and many others; there was the glowing Hindu holiday of Diwali, with its stories of the triumph of light over darkness.

What a trip. And it was 100% worth it. Because now, not only have I ceased fighting everything and everyone, I have also come to profoundly accept, appreciate and stop apologizing for my humanness.

“May we live like the lotus, at home in the muddy water.” – Rachel Meyer, yoga teacher

* * *

“May all the sky be pervaded by great bliss.

“If suffering, I bear the suffering of all beings.

“May the ocean of samsara’s suffering dry up.”

My soundtrack for this 100th moment is the traditional Buddhist Offering Chant, quoted above, and sung tenderly by Lama Gyurme in the video below. As I write, the Happy Heart sends its wafts of rose, rosewood, geranium, cubeb, oakmoss, lavender and patchouli smoke throughout my space.

To me – no matter how much I live and practice through all conditions – it would seem miraculous to reach a bliss like Nirvana or Samadhi or Enlightenment, where I would completely transcend my own suffering, cease carrying and contributing to the suffering of all, and ultimately, experience the end of Samsara – the earthly cycle of birth, decay, death.

What I can grasp, however, is Buddhist nun Pema Chodron’s simple take on attaining a “higher” state: “Enlightenment is a very grand word for fundamental happiness. Your life becomes a path of awakening or a path of becoming enlightened.”

* * *

“What is important is not to have a goal but to see if our daily existence has a meaning in itself.” – J. Krishnamurti, philosopher and author

Note that my daily statement was, “My intention today is to grow toward joy,” not, “I want to be happy forever.” The Project reinforced that life is truly One Day At A Time. Gradual. Forgiving and honest. If today I don’t feel joy, I can try again tomorrow.

There is no goal, only intention, reinforced frequently, through a process of openness, willingness, action and growth.

* * *

“The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.” – Anonymous

Simply said. The Happy Heart Project does not end here, at the 100-day mark.

Great gratitude to the numerous teachers who appeared along the way, in so many shapes and forms. Yoga students, yoga teachers, friends, family, strangers, co-workers, ankle-biters, outright attackers. Road trips, songs, trees, Asana, injuries, deities.

All mirrors, all messengers.

* * *

May all beings find the courage and faith to grow through misery and toward joy. Thank you for sharing the journey. OM Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.

* * *

* * *

THE HAPPY HEART PROJECT. Under the new moon of Sunday, August 28, 2011 I launched “The Happy Heart Project: 100 Days Toward Joy” – an effort to document my daily journey away from an annoyingly encroaching emotional darkness and toward the hopeful light of happiness. For 100 days from 8/28 through 12/5, I woke up, burned a stick of Happy Heart incense and set an intention to grow toward joy. Nearly each day I posted a “Happy Heart Project” status (and sometimes an accompanying song for that day’s mood) on Urban Yoga Den on Facebook, then saw what happened during the day. Even though the 100 DAYS are over, it’s not too late to choose one simple heartfelt ritual for your morning, intend to practice it daily, “Like” Urban Yoga Den on Facebook, and let us know how you’re doing from time to time!

It was the umpteenth time that I’d broken out in sobs while singing along with Jai Uttal’s “Om Namah Shivaya.” To be exact, it was Monday, October 24th. I was driving to rehearse with The Shaktis, an all-female Kirtan group with whom I play percussion. Two days before, I’d returned from a little road trip to Pennsylvania – first, Philly to see Jai Uttal in-concert; then, Easton for a two-day Max Strom yoga workshop. The day after the road trip, back home in DC, The Shaktis lead one of our most joyous and spirited Kirtans yet.

So as I drove to the rehearsal that Monday, I was brimming with contentment. Chanting my little heart out. And suddenly, sobbing uncontrollably.

I am accustomed to being emotionally moved by singing and chanting. The vibration tends to hit me right in the heart. Even Jai says, “The singing voice, enriched with a full breath, directly touches that well of emotions inside.” Still, I had to ask myself, “Why have you been crying every single time you chant ‘Namah Shivaya’ repetitively? What are you feeling?”

photo: Holly Meyers

Gratitude! I was crying my thankfulness, realizing I’d come full circle. I mean, my goodness, since the Spring I’d been through intense periods of questioning everything. My yoga practice, my yoga teaching, my yoga jobs, my other jobs, my relationships, my associations, my everything! I started to let go of what felt wrong, what felt like sandpaper against my skin, what felt threatening to my wholeness. I let go of a lot. And I ended up feeling completely lost. Lost in a darkness that felt like drowning.

As they say, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Come end of Summer, I began to emerge. I launched “The Happy Heart Project” and set the firm intention to grow toward joy by practicing a symbolic ritual – burning a stick of “Happy Heart” incense 1st thing each morning for 100 days. I took a Labor Day retreat to the Satchidananda Ashram and had a heart-to-heart conversation with a twisted old pine who seemed to beautifully signify the trials and triumphs of my life. The Jewish High Holy days stirred my sorrow, yet also reinforced my softening, my surrender. Friendships challenged me; and friends cherished me, despite my awkwardness. Autumn – my most transformational season – crept in, grey and wet, and dampened my growing inner glow. And then I sunk lower than ever, my emotional sobriety on edge, my physical sobriety at risk. The week before I would reach my 9th anniversary without alcohol or drugs, I craved their comfort. I stayed honest. I stayed close.

I took a road trip. There’s something about a geographical cure. There were no twisted, story-telling pines on this journey. Just a change of scenery. A break from my “stuff.” Strolling the country’s oldest Farmer’s Market, breathing northern air, driving new highways. Chanting with Jai and other transplanted pals in Philly. Breathing with Max and long-lost Off the Mat Into the World sisters in Easton.

So returning from this trip, I was – after a period of tormenting darkness – finally back in the light. I was sober, safe and sound. That Monday, singing my heart out to Shiva, I cried. I cried because I made it through.

Then for some reason, I shamefully said, “I’m so sorry.”

I apologized for having become depressed, for being in the dark so long. As if I had left god’s side, influence, presence, light. And it hit me – NO! God took me there. God took my hand and led me into that darkness, because there was something I needed to see. Remember all of that questioning and letting go that started in the Spring? It sprang from a mugging – an incident I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but that brought out a fierceness in me. I started to put my foot down, to set strong boundaries. I also started to overreact to certain upsets. Because in fact, the mugging was a trauma, which triggered unresolved past trauma that needed attention. And it didn’t just tap me on the shoulder. It broke down my door. By force, I had to get the help I needed in order to look at it, start to heal from it…and no longer be ruled by it.

photo: Holly Meyers

So there might be a light at the end of the tunnel – but sometimes, the tunnel itself is well-lit, and leads into the dark.

And into the darkness we went. God and I. So I could experience that depth of despair and subsequent transcendence to joy. So ultimately, I could share the story with others, in case they ever go through something similar. God was with me the whole time. No apology necessary. I went where I was meant to go.

From singing Kirtan, I have come to embrace that god has many faces. For example, Lord Shiva plays many roles: devout yogi, cosmic dancer and drummer, menacing protector. Shiva is commonly called “The Destroyer,” but he actually governs destruction, transformation and regeneration. As Jai says, “He wipes the slate clean so that new writing can be written. He destroys everything so that rebirth can occur instantly.”

It makes sense to me that god, in the form of Shiva, led me deep down to the bottom. To show me the realities that needed to be faced. The same realities that now inform my purpose, inspire my actions and give me something to share in service to others. During that dark period, I was yearning for surrender, security and trust the whole time. Now I know that I was never alone. I was always safe. And I was always loved.

And y’know, it makes sense. I’ve been singing a lot (my mother taught me to sing). It’s Autumn (October 2nd would have been her 81st birthday). Thanksgiving is approaching (my family celebrated our last holiday season with Mom 10 years ago). And I recently celebrated my 9th year clean and sober (my mom died as a result of long-term alcoholism).

I miss her. I miss her right now.

Nearly a decade after her death, she still taps me on the shoulder at times. She taps me when I’m playing percussion with bands, chanting devotional prayers at Kirtans, singing Gospel standards at open mics and lighting the Chanukah candles. She taps me when my yoga instructor asks me to think of my most important life teacher. She tapped me this morning while I was meditating. She taps me when I’m pruning plants or arranging flowers. She taps me when I’m decorating my home. She taps me when I’m cooking a soup.

There are times when I reach out to tap her, too. To hear her opinion. To ask for her embrace. To thank her for my life. To apologize for any harm I did to her. To grieve the pain of her life. To send her the love she deserves.

I didn’t always love my mom the way I came to love her later in my life…later in her life…and then after she died.

* * *

I’m about to tell you some very personal and difficult stories. Some are smiling and shiny; some are gritty and rough. All are bittersweet. I’ve selected these stories because they specifically prove that, indeed, my mother is the greatest Guru ever. For me.

When I was young I hated my mother for being an alcoholic. As an adult, I would learn more about the disease of alcoholism and honor the tragedy of her life. But while growing up, I simply resented how drunk she got. I was constantly afraid that my friends and the community would see her drunk; and because they frequently saw her, I was frequently embarrassed. One time I spilled out the drink that she intended to take in the car on our way to Shabbat services – and she slapped me. It was a gin martini. To this day, I cannot stomach the smell of gin.

There were times when she came through as a great mother. She was a hard worker, had full-time jobs, and did not drink during the day. She truly wanted to show up, and when she could, she did. But what I understand now is that her efforts to parent were overshadowed by the neglect. In the end, alcohol always won her attention and became her priority. Spill it out, and you became a threat. So I learned to keep a distance.

* * *

During my college years, I grew to appreciate my mother. My attitude shifted after I took my family to see a friend’s concert. The next day at lunch, my friend said, “It was great to meet your mom. For the longest time, I thought she’d died before we met. You always talked about your dad – you never mentioned your mom.” Whoa. I had no idea I’d erased her so completely. And then my friend said, “Y’know, you get a lot from her.” I was so pissed off! I argued, “No way, I have nothing in common with her!” So he stated the obvious, judging by what I had told him in the rare instances of speaking about my mom, and his impression the night before. She grew up singing; music is her passion; she gravitates toward soul music; she loves talking with other musicians; and, she was so comfortable backstage – it was the most natural place she could be.

That day, I surrendered my resentment and admitted that my mother had been an ally and soul-mate all along. Clearly, I got a lot from her! The passion for music, for soulful cultures, for gardening, for cooking, for interior design, for spirituality. My mother taught me to sing, primarily through chanting the Sh’ma, a Jewish prayer, in harmony.

My mother did so much to inspire and encourage creativity. Every morning, she’d have her coffee and cigarette while listening to WMAL-AM, when it was a jazz station. Over breakfast I was exposed to the music that my mom had sung in talent shows and concerts – great vocalists like Ella Fitzgerald, Sarah Vaughan, Doris Day, Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole and more. Although a blue eyed farm girl from the capitol of country music, my mom gravitated toward jazz and gospel. In fact, I have her 1948 song book of Negro Spirituals. This immersion in soulful music influenced me to write my own songs and perform them at my parents’ frequent parties. Mom enrolled me in voice lessons. On beach trips, she’d blast the radio and we’d all sing along. She invited my high school New Wave band to hold a house concert. When I was a little older, my drummer boyfriend invited me to tour California with his band – Dad said a firm “no” but Mom fought for me. (I went to Cali.) And so on.

At the same time, many opportunities were missed. For example, there was a lot of self-taught musicianship and talent that was never deepened with consistent instruction or plans for ongoing development. I do regret this and often feel that music education might have been my best choice for college. Looking back, I don’t blame my mom for any of this, because I am certain she would have guided me in that direction if she could have. I blame the disease of alcoholism.

* * *

As my mom became progressively ill, my love for her grew immensely. Alcoholism and related troubles continued to take its toll in more serious ways. In her 60s, Mom had cancer three times. On the outside, she remained the strong-willed woman who could get through anything. She continued planting gardens, harvesting herbs, cooking from scratch, building an art studio in her bedroom, doing crafts, listening to music, smoking cigarettes, drinking gin.

But there were points where I witnessed her heartbreaking vulnerability. With each cancer, my mother never completely healed – more and more complications arose. She became scared. I once heard her crying in bed the night before one of her many surgeries. When she was diagnosed with emphysema, she quit smoking and remarked with self-disgust, “I could have done that a long time ago.” She would willingly try my yoga and diet suggestions, but was so sick that she’d end up feeling worse. Toward the end, I remember laying next to her tired body on yet another day that she woke up with a “bug” that left her vomiting and weakened. I will never forget the terror in her eyes when I urged her to go to the hospital. Perhaps she knew she was dying and wanted to stay at home as long as possible.

That was Thanksgiving, 10 years ago. I think the family dinner included Mom, Dad, two of my sisters, three of their kids and me. That night, in my mom’s art studio, I drew an abstract of the scene. My mother and father were angels at the heads of the table – Mom’s garden spade and a green vine enveloped us on one side; Dad’s cigar and its smoke on the other. To me, both the vine and the smoke represented protection. I sensed it was Mom’s last Thanksgiving. I was right.

* * *

After my mom died, I developed a deep, knowing compassion for her. Interestingly enough, I got sober six months after her death. I’d started drinking at age 11, to calm the childhood chaos and hush the deep resentments. Twenty five years later, as I came to understand the cunning, baffling and powerful disease that nearly killed me, I also came to understand the disease that succeeded in killing my mom. Listening to other recovering alcoholics’ speak, I heard my mom’s story. I saw how the disease had destroyed her life and consequently affected mine. And I loved her even more.

My greatest awakening about my mom’s life came about four years ago. By complete surprise, I found out that she had a child before meeting my father. Stories said that she’d been hanging out with musicians in her native Nashville, might have been drinking, might have been raped…and ended up pregnant. Her parents sent her away, to a “home for women” in DC. The home arranged the birth and subsequent adoption. They say that Mom was so angry, she never forgave her parents. And so I found yet another thing that my mother and I had in common – we both drank to kill life’s pain and drown our resentments.

The biggest difference is: I got lucky and got sober; she did not. I take that very, very seriously.

* * *

So yes, my mother is my Guru. Throughout all the phases of my relationship with her – dead and alive – she has been my most influential teacher. She teaches me with the light, and she teaches me from the darkness. She teaches me through what she did, and what she would/could/did not do. Her influence drives my passions and my purpose.

I love everything about her. The singing lessons, the slaps, the strong will, the vulnerability. She is the ultimate model of the perfectly imperfect human that I strive to be.

It’s taken me a day to write this. I started when I finished meditating this morning. I stopped and started and stopped and started again. I cried my heart out. There’s so much more than what you’ve read above, so many more experiences and stories, so much more grief and love.

* * *

Back in 2009, I went on tour with a folk-pop band and I took along a photo of my mom. I’ve heard that the picture was taken in DC, at the women’s home, some time after she had the baby. She is beautiful and glamorous; she is too thin and her eyes look cold; she stands tall and her hands fumble with each other self-consciously. So I wanted to take this version of her on this exciting musical journey. Every night before I went to sleep, I lit a candle and thanked my mom. I now play percussion and sing sacred chants in an all-female Kirtan group. I’ve noticed that Kirtan leaders and spiritual teachers typically create an altar with a picture of their Guru. Coming full circle, I can think of no one more perfect to place on my altar than the woman who sang Hebrew prayers with me, every night at bedtime.

I’ve read that we replace 1% of our cells daily. Every 100 days we have a new body. What that new body consists of is the food we eat, air we breathe, water we drink, exercise we take and thoughts we think. – A friend

Three-plus boxes of incense and 31 days ago, I launched “The Happy Heart Project: 100 Days Toward Joy” as a simple way to set an intention.

Under the new moon of Sunday, August 28th, I lit my first stick of “Happy Heart” (an incense by Maroma) and made a commitment to move toward joy for that day, and that day only. Because that’s really all I have – one day at a time.

When I started this “project,” I understood there would be no guarantees. The dark funk of the past year (or so) would either stay or go. And indeed – over the past month, that funk has left, returned, become darker, been replaced by light, strengthened, weakened, disappeared, appeared again…you get the picture.

Still, it’s the intention that makes the difference. It’s the intention that gives the journey purpose, that keeps me honest with myself, that drives me toward solutions, that sparks change.

* * *

“Sankalpa” is a Sanskrit word loosely meaning “intention.” Other definitions include: commitment, resolution, resolve, will, purpose, determination, motivation. I have heard from yoga experts that the act of reinforcing a Sankalpa has the power to replace and erase destructive habits, unwanted thoughts and false beliefs, aka negative “Samskara” (patterns created by the “scars” of life). Setting this positive, committed intention is like a deep practice of “Pratipaksha Bhavana” – replacing negative thoughts with positive.

“Yogas Citta Vritti Nirodhah” – yoga restrains disturbances of the mind. I cling (loosely, hehehe) to this promise that my sometimes dark, anguished and seeking (aka human) mind can be calmed by yoga. And not just the movement of my body on a mat, but all of yoga’s calming practices, from Pranayama (the movement of vital energy through oxygenation, aka, breathing) to setting a Sankalpa.

* * *

So how did the 1st month of “Happy Heart” burning go?

Well let’s see…in no particular order:

During a three-day yoga retreat, I had a soul-bearing conversation with a beautiful old tree, a powerfully silent meditation at Satchidananda’s tomb, and a thankful turn-of-the-corner from darkness to light. Since returning from retreat, I have awakened between 5:30 and 7am each day to practice Pranayama, meditation and prayer. I reunited and hung out with wonderful friends; listened to Car Talk and laughed my butt off; took a nourishing Asana class with a teacher I’d never experienced; saw the Washington Nationals’ win their final home game; saw “Our Idiot Brother” (silly comedy) and “The Interrupters” (intense documentary). After consulting with trusted doctors, I paused my PTSD therapy in order to soften the intense triggers arising after the June mugging. I finally started sleeping through the night and balancing out during the day with the help of herbal and nutrient-based supplements. While walking near my home, I saw the guy who mugged me, followed him (again), called the police (again), and lost him (again). I received very caring attention from DC MPD detectives. I met with a DC MPD inspector who likes my idea of teaching Pranayama and meditation to traumatized cops. In response to these recent tough times, and, the approach of my 9th anniversary of addiction recovery, I increased my recovery activities and started receiving regular guidance from a recovery program mentor. The early-recovery gal that I was mentoring moved on to work with a different mentor. I showed up for others; picked up my friend’s kids from the school bus stop; listened to friends who are hurting. I had a panic attack, triggered by a false belief that someone was going to abandon me. The all-female Kirtan group I’m in – The Shaktis – guided a roof-raising night of chanting at a yoga center. I continued teaching my three yoga classes per week, with a focus on “Everyday Enlightenment” – observing how we carry our Eight Limb influences off the mat and into daily life. I showed up for my part-time retail job; I reached the end of my rope with ongoing poor treatment by a co-worker; I quit that job. Today I interviewed for a new job.

I healed, I worried, I laughed, I grieved. I walked with confidence, I asked for help. I felt pissed off; I felt forgiving; I felt human.

In other words, I experienced life.

Somewhere around Day #20, there was one morning that I felt so frustrated that I did not want to light the incense. I did it anyway.

Because that’s what a Sankalpa is – a commitment, no matter what. A firm resolution to stick with the positive action despite all challenges. Or, even better – a firm resolution to meet all challenges with positive action. Whether that positive action is to grieve authentically or celebrate joyously.

* * *

At this moment, under the new-new moon, I am preparing to attend Rosh Hashanah services. The Jewish New Year launches a period of intense prayer, forgiveness (offered and requested), and atonement. After 10 days, on Yom Kippur, we seal these efforts with a one-day fast. I didn’t plan it this way – but after these 31 days of ups, downs, turned corners, endings, clarity and renewed intention…the rituals of the High Holy Days are the perfect way to start my 2nd month of “The Happy Heart Project.”

More will be revealed. OM Shanti Shanti Shanti.

* * *

THE HAPPY HEART PROJECT. Under the new moon of Sunday, August 28, 2011 I launched “The Happy Heart Project: 100 Days Toward Joy” – an effort to document my daily journey away from an annoyingly encroaching emotional darkness and toward the hopeful light of happiness. For 100 days from 8/28 through 12/5, I will wake up, burn a stick of Happy Heart incense and set an intention to grow toward joy. Each day I’ll post a “Happy Heart Project” status (and accompanying song for that day’s mood) on Urban Yoga Den on Facebook, then see what happens during the day. Periodically, I’ll post an UrbanYogaDen.wordpress.com blog that covers my journey. I’m excited that one yoga teacher friend unexpectedly exclaimed, “I’m with you!” and is sharing the journey! Join us – choose one simple heartfelt ritual for your morning, intend to practice it daily, “Like” Urban Yoga Den on Facebook, and let us know how you’re doing from time to time!

Under the new moon of Sunday, August 28, 2011 I will launch “The Happy Heart Project: 100 Days Toward Joy,” an effort to document my daily journey away from an annoyingly encroaching emotional darkness and toward the hopeful light of happiness.

The “Project” idea arose when Whole Foods Market discontinued my favorite morning ritual incense – Happy Heart by Maroma’s SPA line – leading me to buy their last 10 boxes. “Hmmmm…100 days of Happy Heart, ” I thought. And the project was born.

For 100 days from 8/28 through 12/5, I will wake up, burn a stick of Happy Heart incense and set an intention to grow toward joy. I will see what happens during the day, and journal about it each night. When I finish a 10-stick box of my precious incense, I’ll post an UrbanYogaDen.wordpress.com blog that covers my journey over those last 10 days. The blog will also be posted on Urban Yoga Den on Facebook.

If you’ve read my blog lately, you know that I’ve been in the process of healing from a number of physical and emotional challenges (illnesses, health scares, betrayals, violations) – some have occurred over the past year, and some are connected to older events that have been triggered by recent trauma. (Please check out “Be A Yogi” and other recent entries for background.) During this 100 day Project, I’ll share the practices and tools from yoga and other resources that consistently guide me toward the inner peace that allows joy.

I know there are no guaranteed outcomes for this 100-day project – only intentions and footwork, one day at a time.

I’m excited to say that one yoga teacher friend unexpectedly exclaimed, “I’m with you!” and will be sharing the journey! So, we invite you to join us – choose one simple heartfelt ritual for your morning, intend to practice it daily, and let us know how you’re doing from time to time!

I am sorry to hear your pain. You are a wonderful human being and deserve tranquility, peace, and love. I would suggest that you stay focused on what is good for YOU, rest will follow. – letter from a friend

This quote sounds like something I would say to a student or friend. Instead, it is an e-mail that a friend just sent to me. I know he meant to write, “…stay focused on what is good for YOU, THE rest will follow.” Yet the fact is, if I stay focused on what is good for me, indeed, rest will follow. And I really, really need some rest. The kind of rest that allows the heart to remember its yearnings, yearnings to cultivate clarity, clarity to turn into action, and action to yield change.

This has been the hardest blog to write, ever. I keep starting and stopping; switching directions; adding this and that. Stopping. Sobbing. And starting again.

It’s difficult to be 100% honest, and that’s what I need to do. It’s difficult to not shade my current negative state with the positive solutions of yoga. Is it yogic to admit that I am in pain, and that my usual solutions seem out of reach?

* * *

I feel it’s time for big change and I’m starting with small things. But I wish I could crack myself open and re-program. – letter to a friend

Last week, on my 46th birthday, I started parting my hair on the opposite side.

Ganesha, new hair part, pneumonia and me on my 46th birthday.

Immediately, I felt like a new person. I saw myself differently. My eyes looked happier. My head felt lighter. My mind was clearer.

The weekend before, I’d hit an emotional bottom where I spent an entire day acting very un-yoga-like. OK, I’ll say it – although I haven’t had a drink or drug in nearly 9 years, I was acting as toxic as a drunken addict. It was not pretty, people. Some who went through that day with me were very forgiving. Some were not. Some recognized that stress from recent physical illness and emotional difficulties fueled my offensiveness. Some didn’t care, because they were hurt. And still others (thank goodness for the others) offered amazing advice and insight – including the belief that I’m hitting a bottom because big change is coming.

So last week, after a series of Facebook posts about fighting demons, letting go and changing…I parted my hair on the other side.

Not only have I felt a need for newness, but also for a strong shove of old things out of the way. When I first started practicing Vinyasa yoga, my teacher constantly spoke of “letting go of what doesn’t serve in order to make room for what does.” I don’t frequently pray to specific deities, but being reminded of Ganesha’s power to clear obstacles (and provide protection) has been motivating.

These days, I know I need to release many things that compromise my deepest well-being in order to create space for what cultivates sustainable, lasting inner peace. For instance, on mornings between the full and new moons, I used to pray, “Let me let go of anything that gets in the way of your will for me.” Regretfully, that practice has faded off…but it’s time to bring it back.

* * *

Hindsight is 20/20. – popular phrase

As you might know, I was mugged in June. Feedback on my blog, “The Yoga of Being Mugged” has been positive. People have used words like “resilient” and “compassionate” regarding my response to the situation. I agree, and am thankful to be someone who uses yoga and other tools to recover from and address life’s difficulties.

Now here comes the 100% honesty – because I don’t want you to think that I am responding with perfect strength and forgiveness to an assault. I want you to know that it hurt. I want you to know that I now walk around scared and suspicious and over-reactive. I want you to know that my past traumas have been triggered since the mugging. And I want you to know that I sometimes act like a jerk because of this state.

If you’ve read my other blogs, you know a bit about my painful childhood and rough road toward adulthood. These last 18 years of yoga practice, complemented by 8+ years of addiction recovery, have sparked a journey of mending and growth. Still, I am just hitting the tip of the iceberg in undoing 25 years of destructive patterns and related consequences.

When I look back on my life’s traumas, I see the lesson behind each one. So why am I so stuck in the pain of the past? Because, due to my childhood isolation and later impulse to kill emotions with substances, I did not properly process and/or grieve these traumas at the time that they took place. Making sense of them is one thing; authentically expressing and healthily processing the emotions is a whole other ball game.

Thankfully, these days I am feeling weary from past traumas robbing me of day-to-day happiness. I am feeling a low tolerance for anything that does not match my craving for inner peace. I am fed up with these obstacles keeping me from my intentions to be of service in this world.

So I am willing to do whatever it takes to change.

At the same time that I am willing to let go of limitations, I am somehow holding on. I have taken the reigns, and have been gripping them tightly. Terrified of feeling more pain, I have taken complete control of my life. Regretfully. Because when I am in complete control, there’s little room for you, for anyone, for a higher power, for healthy risk, for trust, for faith.

In the Mahabharata – an ancient Hindu text – there is a story about true surrender.

A king wants to ruin a man’s reputation, and so decides to shame the man’s wife, Draupadi, by stripping off her sari in public. A sari is a traditional Indian dress, made from several yards of material wrapped around the body. In the story, the king begins to unwrap the sari, and in turn, Draupadi clings tightly in fear. She continues to use all her strength while crying to god for help.

After much struggle, Draupadi realizes that, as long as she clings in fear, there will not be space for god to help her. Bravely, she lets go of the sari, holds her hands up and exclaims, “If you want me to face this disgrace I will accept it. I totally trust you; my life is in your hands.” Miraculously, Draupadi’s sari becomes infinitely long, and the king becomes exhausted. Draupadi was saved.

The first time I read this story around three years ago, I was struck by Draupadi’s willingness to accept god’s will, even if it means disgrace. In the margin of the book I wrote, “WOW. I wish for this surrender.”

At this very moment, I feel that exact yearning. Since June, I have been so racked by fear that I wake up each morning with my fists clenched so tightly that my thumbs come out of their joints.

Shifting from self reliance to accepting help takes deep work. A PTSD therapist has been helping me work through my past so I can heal from it. Most days, I feel quite vulnerable, like a wounded animal, backed into my protective corner. You know what “they” say about wounded animals – don’t go near them.

But circumstances have prohibited this isolation, and demanded togetherness. Shortly after the mugging, I came down with pneumonia and had to ask for a lot of support. All through my birthday week, my home was filled with friends bringing fresh produce, fun gifts and positive energy. It chipped away at my rock-hard walls of “That’s OK, I can do it myself.”

I am continuing to reach out for the company, wisdom, experiences and advice of those prepared to step into the corner with me. Yes, when they come near me, I might act overly protective. I might swat them away. I might misunderstand their concern for judgment. I might mistake their discomfort for dislike. I might offend them. I might piss them off. And they might or might not forgive me.

I will, however, forgive myself.

* * *

Here is the hardest part to write. In my current state of imbalance, can I honorably teach the Eight Limbs, and how they outline a simple process for taking yoga’s principles off the mat and into everyday life? How can I share “Yogas Chitta Vritti Nrodhah” and encourage yoga as a practice for calming the mind, when my mind is far from calm? How can I authentically pass on yoga’s tools, when they don’t seem to be working for me in this time of extreme challenge?

Or does this messy phase of life illustrate yoga’s transformation? Maybe this is my own version of “Draupadi’s Sari.” Maybe my wish for absolute surrender is coming true.

One thing is for certain – this is my emotional bottom, and the only way out is up.

* * *

My god, Holly, you got mugged and now you have pneumonia? The universe is trying to tell you something. – a friend

My sassy answer to this remark? “Uh-huh, the universe is telling me that I am a tough broad who can get through anything!” Perhaps. That would certainly match my self-reliant conditioning. At the same time, I’m open to a totally different point of view. By sending me a mugging, pneumonia and related challenges, the universe could be urging me to ‘fess up and say, “Come closer to me.”

See me, accept me, love me for exactly who I am – right now. Vulnerable, fearful, distrustful and resentful. Wounded. Ready to focus on what’s good for me. And more than ready for (the) rest.