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Month: May 2012

Is it really as clear as it always looks? Can you always predict the outcome of something just by looking into someone’s eyes; looking into their soul; beyond their words and into their heart…?

Sometimes I think yes, yes you can… And sometimes, even though I can see the answer as clear as day, I prefer to think that perhaps, perhaps there is still a chance… perhaps…

I’ve been struggling with the simple ‘what to do’ the last while… I think I saw tonight coming for a while… But I tried to ignore it… because sometimes, sometimes you meet someone that does truly make your sun shine just a little bit brighter…

So I think I’ve been ignoring it….

It was hard to ignore the look that I saw in his eyes though, as he sat across from me. I tried… I tried to look everywhere but at those eyes… But again and again, I would look… and I would see…

And even now… the look in his eyes… it hurts…

He says that we don’t know at this point… that this could just be a bump… that it may not be the end…

He can (and did) say that… and more… but his eyes… they yelled volumes…

And now here I sit… Feeling just a little bit empty… and hurt…

I’d be lying if I said tears weren’t falling… they are…

I thought… I thought I had done all of the right things… asked all of the right questions… I tried so hard to be ‘sure’…

And I did start to trust…

And now…

People would say, “They’re the lucky ones.”I used to know my place was a spot next to you,Now I’m searching the room for an empty seat, ‘Cause lately I don’t even know what page you’re on.

Oh, a simple complication,Miscommunications lead to fall-out.So many things that I wish you knew,So many wall that I can’t break through.

Taylor Swift ~ The Story Of Us

Maybe… maybe it’s still possible… possible that you’re right… and that this isn’t ‘The End’….

Maybe I’m crying for nothing….

Maybe I can’t breath right now but maybe…

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The week where everything that could go wrong did go wrong… officially, by the calendar… OVER… and, it seems to be actually over… The bad is decreasing and, things are actually looking up… The sky isn’t totally cloudless… but I am seeing rays of sunshine peeking through… YAY!

Wee, after a very epic 48ish hours is ON THE MEND… thank goodness for a great family doctor who actually listens and then digs for the cause of the issue instead of just pushing you off and telling you to not worry… If I am in your office with my Wee and it’s not a routine appointment… I am going to be worrying…. If her father is in the room with me… That means I have blown past worry and am now terrified…

Thankfully he realized that. Thankfully he listened. Thankfully he took the time to find the cause of the fevers. Thankfully!!

And… while on the subject of Wee’s father… Thankfully he was decent about everything and even took the time off of work to take her for a few hours today so that I could get a nap in and clean up the vomit that always seems to get everywhere no matter how hard you try to contain it… Seriously?? What is up with that??? Really? I could have swore she only threw up in my bed, on me, in my hair; all things that she is VERY proud of having done by the way…. How the heck did it end up EVERYWHERE??!!!! Really???? Does baby vomit not follow the laws of physics… the rules?? GAWD!!!

So, several loads of laundry later and much disinfecting later… I did manage to fit in a nap… Mmmm NAP!!! It was delightful… And much needed…. And then my Wee came home… in great spirits… and a million times better than she had been!!! What a relief! She’s still not 100 percent but, she’s definitely on the mend!

And… all of the things that had been awaiting my time and attention… well, they got handled today too… And, I have to say I’m pretty optimistic about how most of them turned out. It is a cautious optimism… but I am still optimistic… Perhaps there would be less caution and more optimism if… well, if I understood exactly where I stand and what is expected… where I fit…

I like to categorize things… Everything gets a label in my life… Everything is neat and orderly… either on a shelf or in a box… or in a cubby… or… well, you get it… I like things tidy. I don’t like grey areas… I like order… I like clarity… Hell, right now I’m even fussing in the back of my mind about one set of sheets that I didn’t fold quite right so, they’re not stacking as neatly in my closet as I would like… Yes Duane… I fuss about that… Yes, there is a door on my closet… but that does not correct the fact that my stack of sheets is all jumbled up… Yes Duane… I give a shit… Sorry… Perhaps I should just toss them back in the dryer and let them sit there….

But I digress… where was I??? Oh, that’s right… clarity…. I need clarity… I need one plus one to equal 2… I need the values of a plus b to always equal c. Right now, I’m missing a bit of information so I can not seem to even come close to completing that equation… So there is not clarity… so I am stressed.

LOL.. I know I know… OCD… it’s OK… you can say it… I know it’s true.

All I do know at this point is that…. well, I’m happy… happy with the result of a discussion… happy with what I believe is happening… and… well, happy…

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It’s like a Blue Moon…. Like Morocco’s Climbing Goats… Like the Leaf’s winning the Stanley Cup… But here it is… two posts in one day…

And what a day it has been… what a week!!! Man oh man… I hope to NEVER see another week like this in my life…

It started bad; very suddenly bad; and has just gotten worse from there… Much much worse… It has covered everything from death to unexplained illnesses, slips and falls to mechanical failures… to the dreaded spilled coffee…

At least I haven’t spilled any alcohol… *knocks on wood*….

Perhaps I need to reconsider the shoes I am wearing on Saturday night… Perhaps I should reconsider the dress too… Maybe I should just lock myself in my room… Oh no, there are many things that could go wrong there, so that’s out…

Hmmm… How to keep myself and my sanity safe…

For starters, I guess I can hope that this mysterious fever for no reason that I can figure runs its course through the night… Please Wee.. wake up well!!! Ug…

And then I guess I can hope for things to stop breaking down and blowing up….

Then I guess I can hope for some brains for my cats who like to lay on the stairs and make notsogreat landing pads after they trip you….

And then, well, I guess I can hope for transparency… That would be delightful…. LOL….

All that I can hope is that, as of tomorrow, this week from hell has run its course… All I can hope is that things return to their ‘average’ normal state… or as normal as things get around here… in my life… LOL..

At the best of times we all know I need supervision to ensure my safety and sanity… At the worst.. well, all we can do is stand back and watch the fallout…

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I wonder if the nice gentlemen that are fixing the fences with their uber noisy post hole driller thing understand that I am TRYING TO WORK HERE!!!!

I wonder if they would understand and respect my need for silence if I explained that I can’t possibly hear the doctor eating their lunch and talking through their cup of coffee with their uber cool, uber noisy toy running right outside of my window!!!! I doubt it… Maybe it’s worth a try though… Maybe….

Maybe I should pull on a short skirt before going to inform them of the above. Maybe that will help my case.

Oh… again… it feels like I have a million words all locked up inside… all of them screaming and yelling to get out all at the same time…. It kind of sucks to have that much racing around… to have that much to say… but not be able to say a word…

There has been much happen over the last while… Many things realized… some of those things haven’t been easy pills to swallow… but they’ve been there; needing to be dealt with.

Most of those things have been dealt with… for all of you who know me, you know that I am not one to let matters drag on; especially matters that are toxic to Wee and I…. I tend to like to get things tied up into a neat little package as quickly as possible….

So, most things have been dealt with… most things have been taken care of… there are just a few outstanding matters that are still sitting, waiting for my time and attention.

I’m not a great fan of strife or drama… I don’t like it… I like to keep as far from it as I possibly can…. I figure, in my years to date, I have had enough of it in my life… It’s time for some peace…. peace for me… peace for Wee…

It’s always hard to know what the ‘right’ thing is to do… what the ‘right’ thing is to say…

It’s also hard to know how to walk through life being true to who you are without offending everyone…. But, I guess, if someone loves you enough, no matter what you say or do, they will not be offended to the point where they ask you to change who you are or what you believe in… they’ll just ask for a bit more caution… right?

I’ve found myself recently walking a very fine line… one not necessarily of my own design… One that I can’t seem to walk very well; I seem to always upset and offend…. Perhaps that’s because I’m trying to walk a line that WAS NOT designed for me… it’s like I’m trying to fit into a space that just isn’t equipped to hold me.

Now it’s time for a quote from a friend… a great friend… Thanks for being there Greg… with your wisdom and your humour… “Someday when the stars line up….”…

That keeps ringing through my head… Someday… someday when the stars line up….

My response to that was “My stars always seem to fall to Earth before they line up properly”…

And right now, that just feels so very very true…. It feels like I had a hand full of sand…. but that sand turned out to be not nearly as solid as I thought it was… I might as well have been trying to hold onto mercury…

What I thought was great has slid through my fingers like quicksilver… and I can’t seem to stop it…

And honestly, I don’t know if I want to.

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Well really, could this ONE weekend have turned into a larger bag of shit??? Really??? What was supposed to be a relaxing weekend spent with friends, doing work on school stuff, doing nothing or everything… well, it quickly turned into a bag of shit that had to end up with a very difficult talk being had with a toddler; my toddler…

And it all happened so very, very quickly…. So very quickly…

It still stuns me how rapidly things went from ‘OK, great, weekend HERE!!! LONG WEEKEND to boot!!! It’s here!!!’ to ‘Oh CRAP REALLY…???’.

It all happened in the blink of an eye…

But, thankfully… Thankfully Pete was able to come when the call went out; “Please can you come”…. Thankfully he was able to be there… through it all.. Thankfully I wasn’t alone with the hardest parts… Thankfully.

Thank you Pete… I owe you everything for being there the way you were…

And thankfully I was able to find a Veterinarian’s office that would stay open a bit late for me on the Friday night before the LONG WEEKEND… Thankfully… I owe them so much. They were very kind and compassionate.

Thank you to the staff at Abbeydale Animal Hospital. Thank you so much for being so good to my boy….

And, well, because of the ‘Friday Night Fun’… the rest of my weekend seemed to get tossed on its ear too… Which sucked.. Saturday Stewie was so depressed and so sick about everything… I thought for sure he was dying on me too. Thankfully though, he wasn’t, and he has recovered… It was (is?) just severe depression.

So that leaves me doing whatever it took to make sure he was eating, drinking, and trying to cheer up… Man oh man… Lemme tell ya, there is nothing like hand feeding your dog to lift your spirits.

Then Sunday.. sleep, much needed sleep… but then I couldn’t concentrate on school. How am I going to tell Wee that her buddy is dead… How do you tell a toddler that without scaring them into either never getting sick again or never sleeping again… Oh man.. HOW…

So a drive….. Out to see Pete at the market he was at…. Should have been doing school… wasn’t. Endofstory… wasn’t.

And then the countdown to when Wee came home… fussing… How do I tell her… Advice rolled in… but I know my Wee… most of the advice didn’t fit… She’s either too smart for it or she compartmentalizes and compares… Man.. what to do… Then the piece of advice I took… “Honest and simple. No sleeping. No sick. No nothing. Old. Died. Remember, she had pronounced him dead once before… she’ll get it.”. And that’s what I did….

Did she get it… Yes… Did she cry… Yes… She sat on the floor beside his bed (which she insisted I bring in from the back deck) holding his picture and cried…. Cried like she has never cried before… Then she put his picture in his bed with his blanket… tucked him in… and bitched out Stewie and Newton every time they even stepped foot near his bed… Then she insisted on visiting… so we did.

Now, now she sleeps… the sleep of the tired… and emotionally spent… I know tomorrow there will be more questions… but I feel equipped to handle them… And I know I have great friends to help me if I stumble…

Telling your daughter that one of her best friends is dead… hard. Watching her grieve… harder. Watching her handle that grief and deal with the information that you have given her… Amazing. Simply amazing.

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Ahh… Here I am… stuck… caught… caught between the old and the new… Nothing borrowed, nothing blue… just the old and the new….

Much advice is rolling in on my quandary… And all of it is good sound advice from people who have known me for a long time or, thanks to genetics and upbringing, are cut from the same mental and emotional cloth that I am.

I trust the advice… Mostly because it mirrors my own thoughts… my own feelings… So, really, the advice is a level of reassurance that I am not being totally petty and childish… that my feelings do matter… and that there are flags to be aware of and closely monitored.

I thank those that I have turned to for their advice… for taking the time out of their lives and their days to listen; to understand; and to make me and my emotions feel welcome in their lives for a while… Thank you Pat. Thank you Dodie.

Thank you.

It is a hard road; a scary road; trying to rebuild who you are… move on.. move forward… start a new book in your life; not just a new chapter but an entirely new book.

There is much caution. There is much hesitation. There are walls that go up without even thinking about putting them up. There are emotions to deal with. There are feelings to feel. There are thoughts to have. And there is trust.

Trust.

And then, being from the background that I am; being cut from the cloth that I am; there are those internal struggles to deal with as well. There is the distancing for no reason other than someone sneezed wrong, the distancing because of a tone or a glance. There are the boundaries, the obstacles, the hesitation, the hurt.

But, for me, there is also the desire, the desire to move past it all, to find a group of people; and one special person; who is willing to help walk that emotional obstacle course with me and build something grand.

I have a great group… a trusted group… I am very fortunate… I have many people that I can turn to, call on, talk to… But one person… that one person that takes it to the next level… who you grow with, mesh your life with… who you hold above all others…

How do I (you) really know who that person is? How do you know if they are finally the one that won’t take all of your secrets and turn them around on you when times do get rough? How do you know that THEY are the one to trust, the one that you are safe with???

We all know even a well-trained ass can say “you’re safe with me”… but I have learned that the words are meaningless… That really, you’re only safe until the first argument… the first fight… or the second, or the third… and then, you’re alone. And your secrets are being used against you…

How does that song go? Oh wait, that’s right:

And I remember that fight, 2:30 a.m.As everything was slipping right out of our handsI ran out crying and you followed me out into the street.

Braced myself for the goodbye‘Cause that’s all I’ve ever known.

Taylor Swift – Mine

So how do you trust? And how do you KNOW who to trust? How do you know that ONE PERSON is THE one person that won’t turn your shit on you???

I’ve found someone delightful. Yes, I have. He is great… but there are still flags. How do I know for certain that these are not flags of MY making; my own personal system of protection sending out false readings so that I don’t let ANYONE in again? How do I know that I am not blowing the small into the big so that I can justify in my own mind why I am feeling a need to run and hide right now?

And how do I let HIM know all of this without sounding like a crazed lunatic?

I want someone to walk my path with me… I do… But how do I know??? How does ANYONE know?

I heard a song today… I’ve heard it MANY MANY times… but today, well, it seems… fitting… It really does…

When I look into your eyesIt’s like watching the night skyOr a beautiful sunriseSo much they holdAnd just like them old starsI see that you’ve come so farTo be right where you areHow old is your soul?I won’t give up on usEven if the skies get roughI’m giving you all my loveI’m still looking upAnd when you’re needing your spaceTo do some navigatingI’ll be here patiently waitingTo see what you findCos even the stars they burnSome even fall to the earthWe got a lot to learnGod knows we’re worth itNo I won’t give upI don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easilyI’m here to stay and make the difference that I can makeOur differences they do a lot to teach us how to usethe tools and gifts we’ve got yeah we got a lot at stakeAnd in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intendfor us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burnWe had to learn how to bend without the world caving inI had to learn what I got, and what I’m not and who I amI won’t give up on usEven if the skies get roughI’m giving you all my loveI’m still looking upSo easy is our lifeWhat’s mine is yours and yours mineHardly do we ever findWe’d rather be kindI won’t give up on usEven if the skies get darkI’m healing this broken heartAnd I know I’m worthyI won’t give up on usGod knows I’m tough, I am loveWe got a lot to learnGod knows we’re worthyNo I won’t give up on usGod knows I’ve had enoughWe got a lot to learnAnd we’re, and we’re worthyJason Mraz – I Won’t Give Up

Now… sitting… reading the lyrics…. It seems more fitting than ever before… I won’t give up… no, I won’t… because I do think he’s a pretty special fella… and we do have a lot to learn… about ourselves and each other…. I don’t want to be someone who walks away just because of fear… And I do still need to learn who I am through all of this… THAT my friends is a very slow process!!! I am worth his affections and attentions, even when I feel I’m not… And yes, I AM tough… in more ways than one…

And let me tell you about an old soul… Honey… you haven’t seen an old soul until you’ve seen mine…

I guess I just hope that perhaps… maybe… perhaps… he’ll understand… He’ll understand the hell that I have been through… that I am woven from a very dark and tough fabric thanks to my past and my upbringing… And he’ll be willing to push through the walls that I do put up… and be willing to walk my emotional obsticle course with me… until we get to the place where I can finally look at him and say “Yes, YOU I can trust”…

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Sometimes… no matter how hard you try to hold your head high… life still finds a way to humble you… to make you wish you could crawl into a hole… disappear… Hell, sometimes it even feels like you HAVE disappeared… like you’re invisible….

I hate that feeling… I hate feeling small… I hate feeling invisible… Especially considering how hard I have worked to get Wee and I to where we are… how much I have sacrificed… how much I have bled..

Looking back on all of that, I hate… HATE that I am now sitting here feeling small… shaking my head… crying my tears… I HATE it….

I see friends and acquaintances going through separation and divorce… and doing it WELL… with the support of their families… with their parent’s homes to fall into… with a job that they’re doing… having fun… taking trips… going out…. never seeming to struggle…

I see friends making it through the loss of a great paying job… a stable job… a career… and doing it well… doing it with style… and without tears… Loving life… taking trips… never seeming to have to ‘scrape by’….

I see friends who have had their businesses hit HARD by the recession… Living life… taking trips… eating out… shopping… still seeming to make it and make it by WELL… Still able to do and get anything they want to….

And then I see me and Wee… I budget every penny… I forecast my finances for months in advance… I squirrel away as much as I can in the hopes that I can buy us a house soon… I spend nothing on myself… I spend as little as possible on Wee… We don’t eat out… Our trips are planned to the penny… We don’t have ‘luxuries’… We have the needed… But never the luxuries that can make life better….

Sure, you can sit back and say that I did this to us… that I made my choices… now it’s up to me to live with those choices… and really, you wouldn’t be far from wrong… I chose divorce… But I did not choose to have to hire lawyers, I did not choose to go to jail… I did not choose to lose as much as I have…. But yes, I did choose divorce.

I look at all of my friends and acquaintances that are walking a similar path to mine; or any kind of difficult financial path… but with the large difference that they were able to fall back into the arms of their family; back into the family home… and I wonder… do they know how LUCKY they are… Do they know? Are they aware how much different their story could be right now if that was not the case? Do they thank their lucky stars every night that they have family to fall into… a safe place where the door will always be opened and they will always be welcomed with a warm embrace and a safe place to lay their head… Do they? Are they aware?

Or are they oblivious; the way many of us are when times are ‘good’ and things are great in our own personal bubbles…

Heck, even I’m guilty of that… guilty of forgetting how ‘bad’ things could be when times are great….

But now, now… well, bad stares me in the face every day… Every day… with the choices I have to make… “This for me or that for Wee”… “I need but can I get”…. “I’d like but are you kidding me??? That’s definitely a luxury I can’t even entertain”…..

Maybe things wouldn’t seem so horrible if I didn’t budget the hell out of ever penny…. maybe things wouldn’t seem so horrible if I didn’t try to forecast months in advance…. Maybe if I just let myself splurge on something then I’d feel better… Like I was worth it… Like I deserved to be happy too…

Or maybe that act would be our financial undoing… And, I just can’t risk that… not with Wee….

No, she doesn’t get the best of everything… but she has fun with what she has… and she has never had to be told “no honey… you can’t have that food because mommy couldn’t afford it”…. She has never had to hear that… Thankfully… That would break my heart…

So, perhaps I just need to stop worrying about how small I feel because we live the way we do and do the best we can to make it by in style on a shoestring budget… and instead look at Wee’s smile and understand that SHE doesn’t care about the trips, the cars. the cloths… she just cares that the fridge is full and that I am there…