Jaded Sex Advice for the Youth of America

As a single American female in my 40's, I feel it my duty to impart sagely advice to as many young men as possible. As a surfer, I am provided that opportunity. Many young men have approached me with pleas of guidance. And I’m happy to impart.

23-year old Derek has a new girlfriend, he explains to me out in the Jersey waters one steamy morning last week. I congratulate him. He takes a big wave fearlessly and effortlessly. He paddles back and takes a big sigh. I know what’s coming next.

“I’m not so sure about the…sex.”

I take an even bigger sigh.

“What about the…sex.”

“I’m…I’m just not sure she’s having an orgasm.”

“Well, she’s probably not. She’s probably faking it.”

“She said she's having them, but I don’t think she is. She just kinda screams the same way each time and, well…it doesn’t sound very real.”

I ask him to replicate the sound she makes. He does. I ask him to do it again. He does. I’m tempted to ask a third time, but don't want to tempt the gods of funny.

“Hmmm…maybe your technique is lacking. Are you just fucking her mindlessly like a rabbit, without really figuring out what pleases her?”

“Well, not like a rabbit but…”

“Do you go down on her?”

“I did. Once.”

“Wow. Once, huh? What was it, a Christmas present or something?”

“It’s just…I don’t know.” He starts playing with the wax on his board.

“Are you gay?”

Derek stammers and tries to spit out a response, but he’s too aghast. I take a wave and take my time paddling back out to him. He needs to sit with that one for a minute.

“NO! I’M NOT GAY!” he screams at me from afar. Other surfers look his way.

“Then I don’t know why you wouldn’t go down on her. If I were a straight man, you couldn’t keep me away. Is it a hygiene issue?”

“No…no. I just figured, well…I’m doing enough!”

A case of sexual laziness at the ripe old age of 23. Nice.

“Listen, most women take longer to orgasm than men. You have to seduce her, take your time. You have to see what pleases her. And I can almost guarantee you that going down on her pleases her. Trust me. Does she go down on you?”

“Oh yeah, definitely,” he responds proudly.

“Well, she’s not your sexual workhorse. Get busy, man.”

Derek looks deeply into the sparkling waters, concern shrouding his face. I’ve shaken him up a little, I know. It’s been a long week. Had a costly car repair, dealt with a major tax issue and barely talked my way out of a speeding ticket. I wasn’t done imparting my wisdom yet.

“Have you ever thought of a little S & M?”

“What? Like hitting her?”

“Yep. Hitting her.”

“Where?”

“I don’t know. You usually start with the ass. You can move on from there.”

“What if she doesn’t like it?”

“Then slap her harder. Make her like it. Show her whose boss. And try talking dirty to her.”

“What should I say?”

“You want some of this, bitch? Then beg me for it, you filthy little slut….that kind of thing.”

Derek’s jaw is dropped. An incoming wave almost knocks him off of his board.

“Okay, okay. Maybe that’s a little too extreme. Sorry. Just whisper in her ear, ‘You want me to fuck you harder, baby? Is that what you want? Say it. Yeah, baby. There you go. Just take it. Take it, like a good girl.'”

I do this in my breathiest, perviest voice possible.

Derek is wide-eyed and speechless.

“You’re crazy.”

"Like a fox, my friend."

He goes for a wave. For a second, I think he’s going to exit the water. But I know he’ll be back for more. He wants it. Bad.

He paddles back out to me.

“Derek, I just want you to improve your game. There are a lot of surfers out here who’d happily go down on your girlfriend. She’s a hottie. You don’t want to lose her.”

“Well, she’s not going to leave me because I’m not going down on her.”

“I would.”

He looks wounded, angry.

"I mean, not right away. She'll stick around for a while. But ultimately, it's grounds for dismissal."

“Okay, fine. I will.” He folds his arms tightly against his tanned hairless chest, exasperated.

“Listen, go down on her because you want to, not because you’re supposed to. A woman can tell the difference. It’s not like I asked you to mow the damn lawn or something. And don’t worry about the orgasm thing. It will come when it comes...ha! That’s a joke. Get it?”

“Ha. Ha.”

He takes a small wave in and wipes out for some strange reason. He starts heading back to the beach.

"And Derek!"

"What?" he turns around, annoyed.

"Fix something for her. That's always sexy."

He grumbles something.

“Next week, we’ll talk anal!” I shout cheerfully. The other surfers glance over at me.

I look around me at the vastness of the ocean, thoughtfully. Tonight, I will bring some young woman a little closer to an orgasm. It’s a small contribution to the world, I know. But I feel pleased nonetheless.

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it's a damn wonderful contribution to the world!you already have mentoredderekas well as neilpaul, and neilpaul is a damn maniac with wordsand will help the rest of his 20something crowd,and there will be alot of gals having involuntary muscular contractionsin all the right places all over america, or the world.

Interesting. How much fact and how much fiction? (I'm always weary of commenting as if the item[s] discussed in your blog are real life events -- you typically spank me about how fiction is interspersed in the words.)

Poor Derek. I'd tell the lad to get her twitching. That twitch don't lie. And if they're twitching then it won't be long before they're squirting. But if he had her twitchin' and squirtin' he wouldn't be asking you if she was 'really' coming, would he?

If she's willing to fake it, what's the problem? Never worry about someone who won't speak up or you'll be living on a one way street the rest of your life. And besides, some women refuse to be pleased and will leave if pressured. I guess they need that victim role too much.

i've been trying to think of something really cool or funny to write in this comment ever since i first saw this on FB. but then i read alsoknownas's comment here and thought there's nothin' else to say.

great piece, beth. delighted to see the literary content-o-meter shot up when this went live.

Can't stop laughing! You are hysterical! I half expected you to "show" him how to do it in a little post wave play and some horse'n around. Perhaps it was just wishful thinking, if I had been in your shoes, bikini, whatever. He's a puppy and obviously hasn't had any Real Woman Training yet. I'd volunteer to coach him with ya but then that would be a threesome and also grounds for dismissal!

I love that you were on surf boards in the ocean. Sort of phallic in itself!! You could tell him to ask her what she likes, but why bother. It will be more fun to trickle out the information for our reading pleasure. The goddess of love. I can't wait for the next installment. Go Derrick!!R

Like many of you, I came of age in the 60's where we had a plethora an amazing amount of sex, tons of it, all we wanted. But we never talked about it much. And I have never since. I was even a therapist and almost no one talked to me of sex. I say do it or don't but dont' talk about it so freely. Nonetheless I rated this because I rate everyone and because it has merit but I have to keep away from talk of sex. Don't ask me why since I have more than most. Weirdo. me.

Now, this one . . . this one is really well written. I feel that way because--I'm telling you, Beth--I could hear these conversations.

As for the content and for what its worth, I think that you may be trying to move these young men along a little too fast in the verbal department. It is enormously difficult to get young men to say anything at all while making love with a young woman. Hence, one aspect of the value an older woman would have for them. She would make them say something, for chrissakes.

And so with the especially dense cases in the strong, silent category, I suggest you start them with something easy. Tell them to say the Pledge of Allegiance in order to get used to hearing themselves talk if that is all they can muster at first. Then work up to something like “You want some of this, bitch? Then beg me for it, you filthy little slut…."

I mean, I don't know anything personally about this. I am just passing along material that I have read in books.

I think you were envious of the hot young dude and were yanking his chain, so to speak. next time be more direct and offer him personal lessons by a professional haha.ps I dont really see what is jaded about this advice. blunt, maybe, jaded, I dont think so. but yeah, I do admit from your other blogs you definitely have a jaded, bitter side, haha

in defense of the young dude, and in the spirit of full disclosure youve established here, I didnt really perfect my technique until late 20s either, worshipping at the altar of one particular goddess who, after experiencing my newbie technique, and after asking, "have you ever done this before?" informed that I read about it in a porn magazine, laughed in my face. which by the way there are obviously better & less ego-slashing ways/routes to tutor a young dude. not that you would care about that obviously.

which all reminds me. I have an idea to write a "21st century sex manual" in blog installments. an idea thats been floating around in my head for a long time. stay tuned. if anyones curious, it will just leap off from some of the various stuff Ive collected already there.

fyi all I just saw a very interesting new book called "slow sex" by a female sex researcher. she talks about what she calls a Meditative Orgasm. cool stuff. I must say, Ive experienced it. it really sounds like some of the basic tantra techniques. check it out, ladies & gents. Id be curious to hear what you think. I expect to hear it reviewed in the media in a bit hopefully. hope it catches on.

Back to comment. I enjoyed this immensely, in spite of the flashback to teenage and early 20's sex. Ugh. Nothing worse than a lazy, self-involved boy in bed. That's why I never went for the pretty ones. I liked the ones that realized they had to put out an effort. You're a saint for helping Derek out.

Back in the 80s, I was a volunteer phone counselor for San Francisco Sex Information, which is a program of workshops and a switchboard that you can work to pay for the workshop. Everyone I knew did it, so I thought it would be fun. On my shift, everyone except me, even the boy, froze at the thought of having to explain anal sex to callers, usually young gay boys. After a while, it became normal for people to put the caller on hold and say, "Sirenita, it's a butt-fuck call. Can you take it?"

All of these young guys today watch too much Jersey Shore and not enough Hung. Our generation (male and female) grew up at a time in the 80's when you BETTER have game or it's one and done. NOT going down without a legitimate hygienic reason is "grounds for dismissal" indeed. Derek needs a woman's perspective and a man's foot up his ass. He's a lost cause. Laziness and more importantly greedy selfishness is the mantra of today's 20-somethings. It's GOT to be mutual pleasure or it's just meaningless.

Hygiene? really. Anyway, what the hell, I thought men loved it. And he is in his twenties. Not my generation that's for damn sure, the boomer/hippie men I know are good lovers, maybe this generation is over it all, all the hooking up.Glad you set him straight Beth.

Man-on-Mars, if its effort, you're gay. There. I said it. Or too lazy to be having sex so you should be a eunuch or a chronic masturabator.

At What Pace (clearly the best OS name), I don't know. I really don't know. When men started losing their sex drive and becoming wimps.

Diane, it can take women a while, re: orgasms. They can be allusive. And with men like Men-on-Mars, its no wonder it took you a while. And no, I don't think I have surfed Pleasure Point. (Funny surf spot name considering this blog entry!)

This was hilarious! Thanks for being a one-woman Susie Bright for the Jersey Shore.

I'd be willing to bet that young Derek is very good-looking. I've found that attractive people--male AND female, I hate to say--tend to skew towards the lazy end in bed (believe me, I've done the field research). As for the light S&M you suggested, that will be great if the girlfriend turns out to be submissive, but what if her as-yet-undiscovered kinks (should she have any) skew towards the dominate side? Also, I have to add that power play (hitting, etc.) is great, but it can be like stepping on a landmine if it comes out of the blue. I'm *very* pro BDSM, but if the slapping around isn't premeditated or wanted, it could be interpreted by the girlfriend (or the authorities) as domestic violence. Power play is great (I love it), but sometimes people have triggers that come from, say, a history of non-consensual physical or emotional abuse that a partner may not even know about.

That said, when I was Derek's girlfriend's age, I didn't know that I liked the occasional "abuse," physical and otherwise. Nowadays, I can (and do) ask for it. But I'm not sure what I would've done if one of my surfer boyfriends had hauled off and hit me without warning. Still. You're definitely putting him on the right track.