Everything I Thought During Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

Yes, I saw Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters on Friday night. Because. Reasons. Also because it’s January, life is stressful, and Amour will probably depress me until the end of time. (I can’t handle those feelings yet.) Hansel and Gretel was, um, entertaining enough. Besides it’s not like I expected that much. Still I should never let my mind wander during a movie. As you will read, it’s never pretty.

1. I better not have to see this in 3D.
2. I’m not putting my glasses on for this shit.
3. Everyone in this theater is drunk right now.
4. Hold up. Jurassic Park is being re-released in April?!
5. I will always have inappropriate feelings towards Jeff Goldblum.
6. I seriously thought Tommy Wiseau directed this.
7. Oh. Gemma Arterton was that Bond girl. Did I see Quantum of Solace?
8. No.
9. I should watch Quantum of Solace.
10. Eh, or not.
11. Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters on speed. (Did a crack addict edit this movie?)
12. Alternate title – Hansel and Gretel: Adult siblings who sleep in bunk beds.
13. I’m glad the troll from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone found a new gig.
14. Way to have sexy time all day, Hansel. Meanwhile, your sister is about to be gang raped.
15. So Hansel gets to bang a Swedish milkmaid witch? But all Gretel gets is a troll?
16. Gretel needs crossbow lessons from Daryl Dixon. Good thing she can headbutt.
17. Hansel needs his chems.
18. And… that’s phallic.
19. There are going to be so many twisted stories on A03.
20. And I’m going to read them all.
21. What time period is this set during?
22. Did Oz and Mordor have a baby?
23. Who the fuck is Edward?
24. I didn’t even take off my coat.
25. Don’t worry. You’re still my fake boyfriend, Renner.