What is the key to developing your ability to be curious, in life and in relationship? How do you break old patterns and truly discover something new and exciting with your partner? What are some ways to shift your perspective in relationship, to stay present and turn a painful situation into an opportunity to grow even closer with your partner? If you are looking for some new ways to discover what’s possible in relationship, then this episode is for you.

On today’s show, we’re also going to get a little up close and personal. Over the past 40 episodes of the show, you’ve heard me mention my partner, Chloe, at various times – the book that we’re working on, things that we’ve gone through in our own relationship, and the way that we work with clients, both individually and together. Today, my partner Chloe Urban joins me, and in our conversation we’re going to cover a mix of practical guidance, our journey, and more – to give you a sense of just what might be possible for you in relationship. You can find out a little more about our work together at our website, thenewloveparadigm.com – or you can text the word “POSSIBLE” to the number 33444 to get a link to a free guided meditation that we put together – we’ll tell you a little more about that later in the episode.Click here to receive the Show Guide for Chloe Urban and Neil Sattin

Curiosity, curiosity, curiosity! Curiosity is one of the most critical qualities you can bring to, and cultivate within, your relationship. Bringing the intention to be curious into every possible moment opens up a whole new realm of possibility and immediately and drastically shifts the energy of how we are in partnership.

Curiosity is a skill- Curiosity is not as much conceptual, as it is concrete. You can increase your capacity to be curious, and you can choose in any given moment to switch into curiosity. To do so, we must step outside of the moment enough to invoke a question. We must be willing, humble, open, and vulnerable enough to be in the question, as opposed to being in what we think the answer is.

The quality of your questions determines the quality of your life. Good questions are key to the energy shift that is so often needed in moments of tension and contraction. Increasing your capacity to be present, and be in curiousity is based on expanding the questions you are able to ask. Old habitual ways of asking questions (“why can’t you do this? Why is this so hard?” etc) leads to habitual patterns- so work to switch it up!

Here are some questions to try on:

What is really going on here?

What else could this be?

How old am I being right now?

What is this triggering for me?

Do I feel like you are being my mother or father right now?

What is beneath that?

Is this even mine that I am feeling?

What do I know that i am pretending not to know?

If I were being compassion or connection right now, who would I be?

If I were being open to divine love, who would I be right now?

If I was being my truest self right now, what would I know?

If I was in total alignment with myself right now, how would I be?

Presence is key. Curiosity is a huge part of presence, and vice-versa. It is important to learn together to create the skills and the safety in which you both, at different times, are able to notice and name an energy shift (pulling away, tension, distraction, avoidance, reactivity) without judgement. From this noticing, the moment becomes the portal to a larger awareness and discovery about what is actually going on. This is true because so often the emotions we are having in any given moment have little to do with what is occurring in the moment, and yet, the moment is a portal and our only access point to past, and future healing.

Triggers can be gifts: With enough compassion and curiosity, our triggers gift us windows into places in our past that require healing. Often there is something occurring in the moment that causes tension, frustration, or fear, but rarely is that the entire cause of our emotional reactions. Can you find ways to support your partner by simultaneously honoring their present-moment feelings, while holding the space and asking the questions necessary to communicate your curiosity for their whole experience, past present and future? As you can imagine, doing so requires that we notice, name, and care for our own needs and reactions. If you are willing to stay in curiosity, and not check-out or go into full on reactive mode, the trigger does become a gift that leads to breakthroughs.

If you hold each other through the resistance, things WILL shift on the other side. Another key skill in this process of learning to be present with your partner, is the ability to observe when one or the other of you are checking out or contracting. How many times do you sense your partner withdrawing? Ask them- “where did you go? I’m not feeling you anymore, where are you? I feel like you aren’t with me right now, is that true for you?” If these questions are asked without shaming or blaming, then an open dialogue can develop that helps illuminate what is actually happening, so that you can get to the whys. Staying present for the explosions, the disappearances, and the distractions, is one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself and your partner, because it inevitably leads to a shifting and an opening.

Name the positive things you feel! What you focus on, grows! When things are amazing- give a lot of attention to cement those positive feelings. Of course it is not all going to be pretty, but overall you want to cultivate an overarching positive tone to your relationship- a sense of feeling good together, feeling blessed, grateful, appreciative, and fulfilled. When these moments come- don’t take them for granted! Note them. Acknowledge them. Celebrate them.

We wouldn’t be here if we hadn’t gotten help! Yes, part of being in relationship is about being willing to be truly seen, and willing to truly see. Given that we are complex ever-changing beings, this seeing and getting to know, is a continual process. While there are so many ways to develop your capacity to honestly reflect on yourself and mirror your partner, there are times when a third party is key in helping us truly get a clearer perspective. Seeking outside support has unfortunately received a stigma as a sign of weakness, when it is in fact one of the most courageous and most compassionate steps you and your partner can take towards growth.

Try this today! Start bringing those questions in!Notice how quickly you, and your dynamics shift! Confused about what question to ask? Try to simply ask yourself- what would this look like if i responded to this feeling with a question? What question might i ask that would shift this for me? This may lead you to a very different experience. If you aren’t feeling very curious, you can always invoke it through asking yourself: “what if this experience that I am having, is not what I think it is?”Click here to receive the Show Guide for Chloe Urban and Neil SattinResources

Podcast Reviews

Amazing relationship help!

August 6, 2018 by Neos lawn care from United States

I’ve been listening to this podcast for over a year now. Neil stays current and offers some of the best guests and topics I’ve come across. Very helpful and applies to what I’ve been looking for! Thanks Neil 💗 you’ve helped my relationship in many ways!

It’s been a worthwhile journey

July 31, 2018 by Scarfgirl from United States

I subscribed to this podcast while I was trying to fix my broken marriage, but only really started listening during my divorce. So I haven’t been in a romantic relationship for most of the time that I have listened to this podcast, but it’s been a real pleasure to be exposed to so many researchers and authors I would not have otherwise found and their knowledge as well.
This podcast has improved my relationship with myself, my kids, my family and my friends. It has also kept me aware of what is possible in a *good*/amazing/fully committed relationship during what could be a time of contraction and despair. I always learn something here, and I really relish the opportunity to bring this learning into *so* many different areas of my life, perhaps most of all my relationship to myself.
I feel like I’m a walking testament to the power of this podcast and the transferable skills and knowledge Neil and Chloe bring to light. I don’t know if I will ever be in a romantic relationship again, but if I am, I feel very confident that I will bring more capacity for joy, presence, good communication, possibility and growth than I did at other times in my life; I have Neil to thank, in part, for that. So thanks Neil & keep it coming - I am listening!

The Best Podcast on Relationships

July 24, 2018 by Elizak1 from United States

This podcast was one of the first podcasts I began listening to and it's the reason I'm now a podcast addict! Some podcasts you listen to for a couple weeks or a month and than it gets old - this is not one of those podcasts! This podcast is fresh and new and ALIVE every time. Neil goes deeper than most podcasters are willing to go and, as a result, this podcast will take you deeper than you could imagine. Neil is one of the best interviewers I've ever listened to. This podcast transformed my life and my relationship. Thank you Neil!