Vancouver, What NOT to wear.

DH Vancouver StaffNov 19, 2009 7:01 pm

Written by: JenneLALA
Now, let’s just get the ELEPHANT out of the room here by clarifying that I am in no way the spawn of Stacy London and Clinton Kelly.

I would like to believe that my fashion expertise will actually ASSIST women in their search for the perfect wardrobe so in no way am I criticizing, hating or trying to OFFEND anyone in regards to this article.

I am simply stating my OWN opinion, knowledge and fashion know how as to what I feel is UNPRODUCTIVE to advancing your style.

So, without further ADO, I’ve compiled a list of FASHION DONT’S for the majority of the population and hope that I’ve put a quick halt to anyone who was thinking about purchasing the latest Crystal Rock short sleeved Tee.

1. Guess – No this isn’t a game. I’m referring to the Company. I’d rather stay away from sheer tops, Prom Queen satin, and items that I can find in the SALE bin at Charlotte Russe. Really, who wants a question mark emblazoned across their chest in the first place? It’s an overwhelming usage of gaudy trends and styles in an overpriced barely there article of clothing.

2. Sweat Pants – Now I’m the first to throw on a pair of sweats to run an errand or pop over to a friend’s for some late night Television. But I’d also like to throw in the BRAND factor here. Considering that I’ve paid close to $200 for a pair of Free City sweats or Juicy Velours it’s a definite exception. Anything less, and you end up ruining your daily gym visits by disguising that rock hard tush with a sagging seat of faded cotton.

3. Capris – The once cute wardrobe staple of, say, 1996 are a thing of the past. Or, something you’ve given your Mother to wear on a warm Summer’s evening (indoors of course). Not only do they cut length off the body, they do more for your 66 year old Grandma than they’ll do for you trying to cover up a haphazard job of shaving your legs. (Which is a faux pas in itself).

4. Ed Hardy – Not only is this section dedicated to Mr. Audiger, but it also includes SMET, Affliction, Reflex, Sinful and anything of the like. This goes for both males and females, please do NOT compromise your positive attributes by fashioning yourselves in tacky graffiti I could have produced at the tender age of 6 with my Bedazzler. I can’t quite grasp the concept of DUDES wanting to “rock” outfits that keep you out of the clubs, when indeed you are out to impress the ladies. Considering that you will pegged as an Audi – Gaudy D Bag, it’s counterproductive to your end goal.

5. Outlets – The one and only reason that these large structures are erected is to accompany the articles of clothing that NO ONE bothered purchasing in the first place. It’s OVERstock. As in it’s OVER. A sale is a sale, the reason you can purchase Juicy at 60% off it’s ticketed price is because it’s SO last season.

6. True Religions/Rock and Republics – This refers solely to the denim. I know a lot of people assume that the more bling on their clothing the better. If it’s not in the form of Swarvoski crystals, then you’ll only end up resembling a “Faller.” (Fake Baller). I own a few pairs of Trues myself, but understated is your best bet. Anything adorned with attention seeking white stitching and crystallized add-ons is most definitely NOT worth the $400 plus dollars you’ll dish out. Keep it simple boys and girls.

7. Designer Logo wristlets, fannypacks, DoucheBAGS, and purses – This here is one my biggest qualms. Unless you’re planning on climbing Grouse Mountain, fannypacks are best left back where they belong, in the early 90’s. I don’t care if it’s Louis Vuitton, Gucci or *shudder* designer knockoffs, no self respecting male should find it within himself to situate a purse across his chest. If you would really like to dabble in small designer goods, opt for a wallet, belt or Hell, a keychain. Your girlfriend asking you to kindly carry her bag is demeaning enough as it is. Ladies, the Coach wristlets and tiny Louis Vuitton purses are cute, as long as they’re hidden from the blind eye. They’re meant to be complimentary to their much LARGER counterparts.

8. Triangle shaped scarves – These unsightly accessories can usually be found at some of the cheaper mainstream stores. Or on Avril Lavigne. A scarf is meant to be worn as an accessory to a neutral outfit, or for Vancouverites shielding themselves from nippy weather. Unless you’re starring in a Country Western or reside in the Middle East, you have no valid excuse.

9. Pointy toed boots – I’m not sure if it’s the fact that many women wear this trend as a replacement to pants, or if the Wicked Witch of the West has traumatized me for life in regards to her footwear of choice, either way this style is best worn by Street Walkers, not women who are looking for a way to spice up their 9-5.

10. A/X, Dolce and Gabbana, and Versace Logo’d Tees – I have nothing against these brands whatsoever, they’re iconic at the least. It’s more focused on the cheapest item of clothing these designers produce, for example the Logo’d Tee shirt. I haven’t met many people who refrain from Brand dropping, but walking around with a BLATANT logo stamped to your chest is a form of overkill. The truth is that many of the so called “designer” shirts are actually imported from India and China. So, the next time your relatives decide to bring ya something back from their travels, stick to ethnic goods.

11. Tights as pants – Lindsay Lohan take note. It’s apparent that leggings are here to stay. (And are an excellent option after devouring a feast). BUT in no aspect of life should you sport sheer tights as pants. I don’t care if they hide your cellulite, cover those bruises or lend a hand to tucking things in. They see London, they see France, and you can count on them most definitely being able to view your underpants.

12. Figure appropriate clothing – As Victoria Beckham so eloquently has said, “I will never spend my money on something that doesn’t make me look good, and nor should you.” It is a common mistake for both males and females to simply purchase something because it’s the Trend of the Moment. Pish Tosh. If you’re not comfortable in what you have on, it’ll show more than that visible panty line. There are many tips and tricks out there to assist you in finding the perfect jeans, dresses and shirts for your body type. Many females claim they have the so called “muffin top” when truth is, it’s an ill fitting pant that’s causing this embarrassing incident. Take the time to find what works best for you, and keep in mind that either going up or down in a size is common, many styles fit differently, so in no way should you feel self conscious in doing so.

13. Bebe – I can count on the fact that I will feel the WRATH of females in the Lower Mainland with what I’m about to touch on. The sequins, the frou frou, and the tacky faux fur are best suited for a weekend in Vegas, considering most people viewing your outfit will most likely be under the influence anyways. I will say that there are a few items which are worth trying on, but unless you’re planning on making it big as Paris Hilton’s latest BFF, leave it to Bebe.

14. Flashy designer shades – This is a common misdemeanor that doesn’t just apply to shades of course (see all the above). We get it, you have money to blow, you’re rich and you want everyone to be aware of it. Instead of wearing your net worth on your sunglasses, opt for a more subtle approach, like an Audi R8. (Ha.) Ask yourself this: Do you ever witness A List celebrities with Versace Logos situated on the arms of their shades large enough to be worn as earmuffs? Neither should you. Instead choose a classic yet glamorous look from the same designer. Chloe, Michael Kors, and Oliver Peoples offer some trendy, yet subdued styles that are timeless year in, and year out.

15. Letting it all hang out: Ladies, leave the XXX inspired getups to the professionals. There’s a reason the likes of Shauna Sand and Jenna Jameson make bank. If you’re not being paid hefty sums of money, there’s absolutely NO reason whatsoever that you should crack open the vault and put the goods on display. I cannot stress enough that a reasonable balance is key to pulling off a skin revealing look. A true lady knows to leave a little something to the imagination, and showing cleavage with long pants, or sporting a mini with a higher neckline is a classy, yet seductive way to show off your curves. (This of course all goes out the 43rd story window while on vacation in Vegas). Just Sayin’

So there you have it. Always keep in mind that one person’s “don’t” may be another’s “do.” As long as you are comfortable in your own skin and owning your look, keep doing YOU.

Unfortunately, I have an inkling that I will no longer have many friends after this informative piece, but hopefully it’s taken some of Vancouver’s finest Audi gaudys and various “fashiondont’s” off the streets.

I, for one, might just hide indoors in the near future for fear for having Coach wristlets and EdHardy Tee shirts thrown at me.