Dealing with anniversaries you’d rather not have

I knew that May was going to be a difficult month, though I hadn’t really admitted that to myself. I do wish I’d prepared for it a little bit better though. Instead I chose the ‘bury my head in everything else approach’ until it was over. Of course this didn’t mean I didn’t have to face it, just that the days snuck up on me and dropped me a little bit harder.

Towards the end of the month I reached out and emailed some women who have shared this journey with me, in particular those who coincidentally share May as a happy sad month. I knew they would understand. One wrote back and told me how this year she bunkered down for May, knowing that it was needed to not just survive but also to honour her feelings for her daughter. I love this idea and will definitely be keeping it in mind for future difficult dates.

I wasn’t able to do much writing on my book in May either. I found the sadness too overwhelming so just gave myself a break from it all. So for those of you who have been asking, yes the book is still coming but I am not forcing it. It has definitely morphed into more of my story of healing from grief, finding my happy again and the whole process, so I don’t feel that I can even finish it yet, because the ending hasn’t even happened!

However I do want to share one piece of writing from May. I wrote this after my last counselling session. I had no clue when I booked the session that it would be the full moon (Orion was born on the Full moon in May last year) and as you’ll read I only realised during the session. Ironically, this date felt more significant then the calendar anniversary to me anyway.

Before we get into it though I’ll preface this by explaining that my counsellor is not just your regular talk-it-out type. She does energy work, is highly spiritual, has studied psychology, as well as psychotherapy and has studied with a shaman. She is this amazing combo of East meets West head, heart and spirit medicine.

Personally, I am a ‘woo woo’ believer who still approaches every situation with a healthy dose of cynicism. And every time I’m blown away by how unbelievably right the unexplainable can feel. I always come home from these sessions blown away by the accuracy of it all, by how connected to everything they make me feel and how everything feels clear and as it should be. Then I attempt to describe what happened to anyone else and I just can’t do it justice. When my mind gets involved the whole thing sounds crazy.

So I get it…this story isn’t going to be for everyone.

All I know is that it feels right in my body, in all the places that my mind isn’t involved. And I’m learning to trust that instinct now more than ever.

So here we go…

11th May 2017

I almost didn’t go to counselling today. I’ve been feeling good – lighter, happier and just focusing on my little family, just as it is. Right here and now, life feels really good.

I almost cancelled a dozen times. I asked myself – “do I really need this?”

Truthfully, my answer was ‘No, I didn’t NEED this, but I did want it.” Unlike every other time I’ve been to counselling I wasn’t at my breaking point, I was feeling on top of things for a change. But I guess it’s kinda like feeling really fit and deciding you don’t need to work out anymore. It just doesn’t work that way.

I also wanted to make sure I wasn’t just burying my hurt down so deep that I couldn’t feel it anymore. I didn’t want to keep going only to have it all dredge back up again somewhere else in a month, or a year or two.

Regardless, I went into this counselling session feeling good. I’ve actually come to a place where I’m ok with feeling the hurt of losing these babies. The hurt is so entangled with my feelings of love for them that I don’t want to lose either. Both are important to me.

(Even as I write these words I feel a little bit like – who the hell am I now? Only a few months ago, I would have been raging against a statement like that. I would scoff at the disgusting positivity of it all. But now I understand. If you don’t and you find yourself scoffing or raging, please let yourself be there. Rage on my love. I understand that too. xx)

On the drive there I ran scenarios in my head. I envisaged myself telling her how well I was doing and us not having much else to talk about. I also imagined the opposite scenario where she picked apart my story and showed me I wasn’t doing as well as I thought. I really didn’t want to have to face that reality.

Very early in our conversation she explained how she felt like today was an ending. A conclusion to something, though she wasn’t sure what. She looked to me for an answer, and although I had none, I definitely felt it too.

Later in the session she was sharing about how today was full moon in scorpio and how it carries the energy of trials and tribulations and the lessons we take from it. She commented a few times that she didn’t really know why she was sharing this with me, but she was feeling like it was something I needed to hear. When she continued on to say ‘this energy repeats again in October’ it was suddenly very clear why I was here, and what the ending was about.

It was the full moon in May 2016 when I delivered my tiny 16 week old Orion. He was meant to be due in October. He was … Scorpio energy.

I’ve come to believe that the two losses I experienced after Orion were mostly because I hadn’t dealt with my feelings over Orion. Primarily the guilt I felt. Whether this has any bearing on my ability to carry another, I really don’t have the answer to that.

Don’t get me wrong though, this is not me beating myself up for not dealing with that first loss. I don’t blame the me of the past for what happened. It was right for me then, and therefore it was right. In fact I actually think it all happened exactly as it should. Exactly as it was meant to unfold.

All three losses were meant to bring me to this place where I feel okay with all of it. I feel ready to live again from a place of acceptance. I’m ready to surrender to all that life involves; the good and the bad, the love and the hurt.

Just before I fell pregnant this last time, I remember my mantra was ‘open my heart’, ‘open my heart’, ‘open my heart’. I remember at the time I was intending that I wanted my heart opened to carrying a new baby.

Perhaps I should have been more specific. The third loss cracked my heart WIDE open. It was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced and yet I am grateful for it. I feel like I love more deeply now. I’m more painfully aware of how fragile it all is and I want to soak it all in, not seek distraction from it.

After a bit more chatting we got into the energy work. It’s definitely my favourite part – I get to lie down and she massages my head, shoulders, belly and legs, while doing whatever it is she does to move the energy that needs to be shifted. Seriously – what’s not to love?!

During this part, our moods were both lighter than usual. Normally I don’t talk and simply lie with my eyes closed. This time we chatted about life in general, hers and mine.

Then it happened. I can only explain it as I experienced and please know I’m fully aware of the woo woo factor of this explanation.

She had her hands on my belly. We were mid conversation and we both stopped. I felt like I was suddenly in a vacuum. There was no sound. It felt almost like time stopped for a moment. And as soon as it began, it was over.

She stopped massaging my belly and said ‘Wow. I don’t know what that was.’

She took a moment away from me, as if trying to gather her thoughts.

And then she said ‘I’m not really sure but I think that might have been a walk in.’

I had no clue what she was talking about but I knew whatever had just happened was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. I explained to her what I had felt.

She replied ‘Yep I think that might have been. I’ve never experienced it before but it felt like something just walked out. I think that maybe a year ago, something walked in and whoever it was just walked out.’

Clearly by now I am mildly freaking out. My entire body is covered in goosebumps. But at the same time, it felt… right. A logical insane explanation for what I’d just felt.

‘Oh but don’t worry. I don’t get the feeling that this was a negative walk in.’ and she goes on to explain that sometimes a higher being will walk in and take over when we need support. ‘It felt angelic’.

We went on to chat more and what it might mean. Again I don’t have the words to explain it but the explanation feels right to me.

A year ago I gave up. It felt too hard, all too much. I didn’t feel like I could go on living the life I was. Not that I felt suicidal in any way, but just that I couldn’t do any of it anymore.

Apparently I didn’t have to.

I walked out of that counselling session feeling lighter, and for the first time in a long time more like myself. Not necessarily the me that I was before all of this happened, but a wiser, stronger version.

I also walked out of that session with a new mantra… There is strength in surrender.

Interestingly after the session I immediately wanted to cut all of my hair back off to my short pixie cut, which I realised later I’d been growing for exactly a year.

Have you ever experienced anything like this? What do you think? Too woo woo for you or beautifully insane?