Silver as the moon

29/03/2011

1 2 : 3 0 a.m.

I just wait till the earth turns around and stops.
to start writing.
The foggier my coherent thinking is,
the more honest I am.
the less I evaluate things,
the less I think of things,
the less I feel things,
the less I care about things,
the less I talk about things,
the less I listen to things,
the less I write things,
the less I sit, and write things,
the less I sketch out things,
the less I move,
the less I breathe,
the less I live,

the less I exist,
the lighter of a being i am.

the foggier my coherent thinking is,
the more honest i am.

it’s true.

1 2 : 3 7 a.m.

i contemplate deleting whatever that I intend to write even before I write it.

i’m being thrown into an abyss.
it’s like my whole life,
i was being prepared for this.
to be thrown into an abyss.
to be thrown into the ocean,
and learn to swim.
only the ocean is not an ocean,
it’s more of a consistent black waves of a long rung bell.
it’s beautiful.
it’s scary.

i can’t say i’m freaking out.
or that i’m scared shitless.
because really,
i’m not.
i’m just begging my audience for sympathy.
it’s the supposed-to-feel-like emotion that I should be feeling,
but I’m not.
or maybe i’m just in denial, still.

if I tell you i’m scared,
don’t believe me.
I’m not scared.

I’m just bored.

1 2 : 4 2 a.m.

stay.

1 2 : 4 3 a.m.

I lost touch with the divine.
I lost touch with everything that is close to divine.
I lost touch with innocence,
purity,
white,
peace,
beautiful ignorance,
the first time,
the second time,
the familiarity,
the love,
the surprises,
the pleasant surprises,
the smiles,
the words,
the rush,
the make believe.

I’ve lost touch with happy.
or the illusion of it.
or the place of it.
or the source of it.
or the reason of it.

Everything’s just on the verge of meh.
2 steps back and one step forward.