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Monday, November 24, 2014

Yup- still working on this one. No- no good news. This month (after 7 months of hardcore treatment and 2 of clomid, following a year of just trying the normal way) we took a break from the drug part of the whole thing and just went au natural (and, not pregnant, as per usual). It's getting expensive and emotionally/physically taxing, and a break was the right thing while we reevaluate and figure out the next steps.

I went in to the doctor last week and he said that it's time for IVF, which is so not an option right now. My insurance doesn't cover it at all, and the whole process rings up to about $15,000-20,000 according to my research. Next best thing is surgery to look for endometriosis. Even though I don't have the symptoms, my doctor said that in cases of unexplained infertility like mine- where there are no definitive problems besides the fact that we still aren't pregnant- it's common to find endometriosis. When they do the surgery, if they do see scar tissue, they will be able to get it out of there and give us a better chance for the next month. He said after surgery, we can either try naturally because I'll (hopefully) be at my most fertile ever, or we could do the whole shebang again. And I said I want to hit it with all we've got, so it will be back to the medication and lots and lots of hoping and prayers.

Taking a break is... meh. I feel like I'm wasting time, even though we are still trying like "normal" people. Some days are a relief. It's nice to step back, have my hormones more in check, and be able to be rational about the whole thing while we make decisions. And the other half of the time, my heart is anxious and racing because time is passing so quickly. Milo's second birthday is basically staring me in the face, and I was going to be pregnant by Christmas, and Thanksgiving, and my birthday in June, and for that matter, Milo's birthday in March and Christmas of last year. But that kind of thinking never gets me anywhere good, and I have to just put it away. The hardest thing for me about this whole thing is trying to put that piece of my heart in the back, because when I think and hope and love as hard as I do, it hurts more than I can really explain. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, I'm longing for another baby so badly.

Being a mom is everything to me. I want these days to last forever. And there's nothing I want more than to give my favorite little person a baby brother or sister (or 5 of each, please). But in the meantime, being the mom to one doesn't make me any less of a mother. And if I only get one, Milo is exactly the one I want, and I'm going to be the best mother to this sweet boy that I possibly can. I squeeze my little munch so, so tight and am completely in awe of the miracle baby that he is. The silver lining to all of this is really, really soaking up every second as a little family of 3. Milo gets all of my attention and our days together are heaven. These memories will mean everything to me forever. He's my whole world, if you didn't already know :). Now if only I could figure out a way to stop time and rewind sometimes so I could relive it all over and over.

So, that's the scoop. Still trying, and I'll be trying indefinitely until it happens again- and deep in there somewhere, I really think it will.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

I don't think I have it in me to write any eloquent paragraphs (who am I kidding, I'm not eloquent). So here are some bullet points about the last few days, eh?

- Suddenly getting up at 6 a.m. was SO hard the last 3 days. May have something to do with the fact that I keep staying up way too late. Maybe this morning's rude awakening will be enough to help me get it under control tonight?

- Our car broke down. Again. It likes to do that as soon as the cold weather hits. But thank goodness, $500 and 2 days of fun ride coordinating later, we are back in business!

- My apartment is looking at me right now... with that clean me face on. That's the other reason this post is short and sweet. Or maybe it will turn out long because I'm procrastinating?

- Milo learned how to give kisses. Finally. We have been working on that for maybe... forever.

- Friday night Milo was wheezing, so I took him to urgent care. Strep. Antibiotics. Nebulizer. Much better now!

- It's almost Thanksgiving and Christmas and I am dying with joy. My whole family (minus brother in Brazil) for Thanksgiving. My other whole family aka Trevor's family for Christmas. YAY YAY YAY!!!!

- This morning I went to Target and they were unloading boxes on every aisle I needed to go down. Most irritating trip to Target ever and also Milo was SO not having it.

- I confess that I fed him pieces of a Hershey's bar to keep him content. Yes. I do feel guilty about it.

- It's cold.

- I decorated for Christmas on November 11th this year. This is a record for me.

- Trevor is 27! I feel like we are approaching to the ages of shame. Well he's there. I'm basically there. But 24 is still pretty much 20 right?

- I'm going through a phase of sweet potatoes and brussels sprouts. Could be worse, know what I mean?

- I opened an Etsy shop for my weavings. I only have one posted so far, but get ready cause this is exciting stuff. More on that later.XOXOXO and HAPPY Wednesday!

Thursday, November 13, 2014

If you're wondering why 80% of my posts are about toddler things, it's because I do toddlery things all the day long. Who knew one tiny little person would storm in and rule the Hansen home! I've said it before, but every time I feel like we've got a good groove down, he up and grows on me and learns 5000 new things while I try to keep up. Favorite little person mannerisms as of lately:

Everything is SO exciting when you're one. I will never get sick of hearing him say, "Oh wow!"

When I'm holding his hand and he goes limp so I drag him

The fact that he wants me to sit on the floor with him and play anytime we are home

Every wall, piece of furniture, window sill, leg, etc. is a road for his cars

When he knows the appropriate answers for things (and when he says "yeeeah" after I ask him if he wants to go night night and I know he means it)

The way he shakes and nods his head at the right time

He says thank you!

I'm learning very quickly that if I don't want something broken, I have to keep it out of reach. Destructo boy is fast and strong!

Christmas tree ornaments = toys. But I can't blame him. Most of mine are inherited from my parents and are cars.

We seriously need to work on volume control. How the heck do you teach a 1 year old what yelling is?

Grocery carts are getting difficult. He wants to run. Problem is that he won't stay by me!

He loves going bye bye

He loves puzzles, building things, and cars.

He gets shy around people he doesn't know and he tries so hard not to smile. His bashful face could kill me!

He is all boy. Sticks and dirt could keep him content for a lifetime. Another testament as to why toys are often unnecessary. Except for cars. Cars are necessary.

I'm seriously amazed at how many things he understands. I can basically ask him to get anything (Milo, can you get your shoes? Milo, can you climb in your carseat?) and he knows! And he does it! I know it sounds really elementary, but it's a big change from him not being able to do or understand any of those things. I think sometimes we don't give kids enough credit for how sharp they are!

Monday, November 3, 2014

Happy Monday! I'm slowly starting to recover from the sugar rush that was this weekend. As a stay at home mom, administrative Realtor, marketing specialist, and personal assistant, my weekends are often more busy than the week days because some of the hours Trevor is home (which are few and far between- we are seriously like 2 ships passing in the night sometimes) I'm able to be out and about playing catch up.

This weekend, that meant lots... And lots... And lots of showings. Cue driving, gps, appointments, and rescheduling those appointments while you wait for clients who forgot to calculate for a time change and you've got yourself a full day. Usually Milo goes with me, but now and then I'll get a marathon of showings on a day that Trevor is home, which was the case this weekend.

Ever since I started being a licensed assistant rather than an agent on my own, I love my job. It keeps Milo and me busy and together. And seriously, can you think of many jobs as fun as driving around helping people find their dream home and taking pictures of houses? I feel SO blessed that this has all worked out the way it has. I know I'll miss it when we leave here, and I'll look back on these days conquering the real estate world with milo and have really great memories.

Our other gig is helping out an extremely busy friend of mine with some personal errands. A few times a week, we go drop off and pick up dry cleaning, pick up prescriptions, go grocery shopping, make target runs... Whatever she needs. It's kind of perfect because it gets Milo and me out of the house and we can go do something we get paid for. Plus I love this friend and I'm glad we can do something to help her out! I'm all about mutually beneficial business arrangements!

Even though I had to show an abandoned slaughterhouse this weekend (ew ew ew I am officially still a vegetarian and will remain so forever), I'm feeling so lucky and blessed to have the work I do. It's kind of a miracle the way it's all worked out and doesn't take me away from Milo. After the summer of trying the agent thing and being sick to my stomach about it, I'm totally seeing now that it was worth it to go through school, I know I'm much better at admin/marketing than sales, and that this is how it was meant to work out. God knows what he's doing you know?