Are you retarded? Quit looking down here

06/30/2017

WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) A secretive organization is reportedly funneling millions of dollars into the production of a number of TV spots promoting Rep. Maxine Waters (RTRD-Ca) as the best Democrat challenger to Donald Trump in 2020.

Sources say the spots being produced by Maxine 2020 portray Waters as a "courageous and strong woman of action" and "America's best hope of unseating President Trump" while oddly showing her making a number of untrue or ridiculous statements, leading some to question exactly who is behind the ads.

"My worst fear is the GOP may have a hand in this. Something just doesn't feel right," said CNN's Rachel Maddow.

06/29/2017

Angry editors at the New York Times are lashing out at their employer over plans to cut their ranks dramatically. Many are reportedly planning work slowdowns and even a walkout to protest their being forced to find "real jobs."

Executive editor Dean Baquet defended the move, saying "It's not like we need hundreds of people fact-checking stuff we pretty much made up."

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Sex Increases Life Span

A new study from Coventry University has even just found that frequent sexual activity in older adults can significantly improve mental clarity and general health.

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Bill Clinton A Medical Anomaly

Sources say doctors were amazed at the results of a recent physical administered to 70-year-old Bill Clinton.

"While he appears physically haggard, tests show the former president has the mental clarity and general health of a teenager. Outside of the fact he has the genitals of a 200-year-old man, he's in amazing shape."

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Transgender Feud Leaves One Dead

The weekend fatal shooting of a teen at an apartment complex near downtown Athens was the result of a "date gone wrong" between two transgender individuals, Athens-Clarke County police confirmed Wednesday.

"Evidently this guy picked up this girl and they got into a fight when he found out that she was actually a he, even though he was a she him/herself. Supposedly the girl masquerading as a guy kicked the girl who was a guy in the crotch area, prompting the guy/girl to shoot the girl/guy in the neck. He/she died on the scene. We're still trying to sort it out," said Detective Shawna Johnson.

06/26/2017

06/23/2017

BOSTON, Massachusetts (World News Bureau) - Presumptive presidential challenger Senator Elizabeth Warren (RTRD-Mass) was the star of the show last week as she 'rain-danced' her way through Boston's annual Pride Parade (below).

In possibly related news, sources say Sen. Elizabeth Warren was briefly hospitalized for a "virulent feminine fungus" after participating in the Boston Pride Parade. Reports say she is expected to fully recover.

06/22/2017

06/21/2017

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - After numerous complaints from the LGBTQ community, the iconic "Fearless Girl" statue in Manhattan has received a makeover to become more politically correct.

"Many people felt that the figure played into old stereotypes that are hurtful to many in the LGBTQ community. We felt representing her as a gender-fluid individual would more accurately encompass the spirit of today's youth," said a member of the board charged with making the statue more universally acceptable.

The shooter, James Thomas Hodgkinson, 66, of Belleville, Ill., is described by friends as being "just a typical Democrat - bizarrely infatuated with Bernie Sanders and butthurt over Trump winning. He spent all his time masturbating and posting disgusting things about Trump and his family on Facebook."

06/13/2017

LOS ANGELES (World News Bureau) - Rep. Maxine Waters (RTRD-Ca) is said to be outraged with the leaking of an internal video featuring her staff members criticizing the politician for not speaking into the microphone at a Gay Pride rally in LA on Sunday:

"When we approached Ms. Giffords for her permission to name the LCS-10 after her, she was adamant that the ship and crew have no guns, and we honored that request. However, The ship is still well-armed with an array of missiles, as I'm guessing nobody ever fired a rocket into Gabby's head," said Navy General Adam Whitten.

When activated, the Giffords' deck gun can shoot a stream of water nearly 800 feet - highly effective at disabling enemy craft made of sugar.

06/08/2017

06/07/2017

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) - The star of the CBS sitcom "Mom" and one of its creators on Tuesday presented Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards with a check for $250K.

Actress Allison Janney and "Mom" co-creator and co-executive producer Gemma Baker said the money otherwise would have been spent on a promotional campaign to woo Emmy judges before the nominations are announced on July 13. "We don’t NOT want to be considered for Emmys," Janney said. "But we decided to use the money instead to support the mass slaughter of unborn children - it's our way of honoring the powers that guide us."