​This stunning theological advance was publicized on a web site owned by Russell Walker, a Republican candidate for a seat in the North Carolina Assembly.

Russ, known to his neighbors as Big Russ, or Big Dumb Russ, or Crazy Fucker Russ, has been disavowed by the local Republican Party honchos, people who think that keeping kids in cages and letting coal waste flow directly into streams are good ideas, because Russ’s concepts are a bridge too far even for them.

Nonetheless, he can’t be removed from the ballot, and so the people in North Carolina’s 48th district will have an opportunity to be represented by the man who wrote this:

​Walker does not offer a theory as to when God decided to be a white supremacist. It must have been fairly recently, because our Caucasian ancestors were still camping in the bogs of Europe while civilization flourished in places like China, Egypt, the Middle East and Nigeria. God was apparently happy with the efforts of non-whites until a few hundred years ago, when he was letting Muslims conquer much of the world while we were just getting a dose of Black Death. What caused Him to change his mind? This is only speculation, but maybe He, in His infinite wisdom, foresaw that if he didn’t give our soot-stained ancestors a boost, we would never get around to producing Kate Upton.

So, God’s been on our side for a few centuries, but you know whose side he isn’t on? Jews. Walker has some salty opinions on Jews, this being one of them: “The Jews are not Semitic they are Satanic as they all descend from Satan.”

This is the Walker revelation that is the most intriguing, because in the Bible verse above, God is supposed to be addressing the Jews. During the period when it was being scribbled down as His Word, the forebears of the Caucasians were too busy beating each other with sticks in the forests of Bavaria to receive any revelations. In the whole history of the Bible being interpreted to buttress one’s own crackpot opinions, and it is a long and epic one, Walker may have reached the apex.

Obviously, this presents some problems for more conventional theologians. How Satan managed to father the Jews is the least troubling of them. Mary, the Mother of God, was unquestionably Jewish, and therefore of Satanic blood, which means Jesus was half-Satanic himself. And all Jewish, because that’s the way Jews roll as far as who’s in the tribe and who’s not.

That Christ was directly descended from Satan is a theory that most religious people wouldn’t entertain, but Walker does. In truth, there are not that many legendary beings whose existence is purely speculative out there. A little incest is probably inevitable. After all, who was God supposed to fulfill his dreams of having a Son with? Mrs. Santa Claus?

This line of reasoning may well lead to a Grand Unified Theory of theology, where God and Satan are merely frenemies, and we humans can do whatever we want and we’re still cool with both of them. And it will be all made possible by a lowly Republican candidate from North Carolina.