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The war is continuing as before, both sides simply busy besieging each other. Scottish men continue to perform an exemplary service of hugely annoying their womenfolk.

I salute them.

Thankfully the AI still seems too wary of my nearby force of 12,000 to begin assaulting provinces in Britain. Thus it takes the AI months to capture a province. Once they do, I simply wait for them to leave it before promptly assaulting it.

After several months of this, the last Portugese province finally falls.

A very good peace deal for us. Portugal only had Cornwall under occupation when peace was hammered out.

Aragon is the last remaining meaningful country in the war. I still dare not march on their main army.

As can be seen up north I've had a few rebel problems, and Sicily has occupied a province. I simply dare not move from Aragon's army incase they do begin assaulting provinces.

Eventually the last Aragon mainland province falls.

A good peace deal for us. I cannot gain access to Aragon's island provinces due to their far superior fleet. All-in-all this war has been a resounding success. Scotland has resorted to dirty fighting of the top ability in order to defeat two countries without fighting any large pitched battles. Had large pitched battles been fought, Scottish ineptness would have brought about our swift demise.

Scotland now has a place in the sun. Publicans in Scotland's newly acquired Portuguese and Aragon...ese land rejoice. With the taps flowing, revolt risk remains surprisingly low.

I am surprised by this event.

I had no idea I even owned a university. It is not surprising, however, that the university is not located in Scotland. Inspection shows that Scotland now has universities in East Anglia, Yorkshire and Beira. The King sighs in relief. Finally some intelligentsia who are not Scottish. Perhaps the country is not doomed afterall.

The Hansa are dispatched in the same way as in the first war. Their troops once again march into a surprisingly empty Highlands only to be met by a large Scottish force who appear on the same day. They are easily annihilated.

I had warned Ireland against warring with anyone as soon as she gained independance (Scotland's great record in this area of being peace loving conciliators allowing for us to clearly lead by example). Ireland scoff at the warning and declare war on England, no doubt enticed by England's continual rebel problems in her Irish land. Nations throughout Europe are shocked to see Scotland rushing to England's aid with Aragon now also fighting on Scotland's side. Uhm...yeah! Scotland protects England! *cough*

The Hansa finally agree to see sense and hand over Orkney. This is to be expected. Why hold a desolate island which borders a bunch of madmen?

Ireland are battered into submission and hand over a province. They know they will gain revenge when professional football comes about and Celtic will dominate the Scottish Premier League (damn the Old Firm!).

England's Irish provinces now look very vulnerable.

James Bond was played by a Scot for a reason. Being a violent, alcohol-swilling thug seems to work well when it comes to coercion. However for some reason our agents always seem to be discovered. Perhaps we should stop dressing them in kilts.

The international community is surprisingly accepting on the subject of these miraculously found documents being genuine. This is all the more remarkable when you consider the fact that the documents are covered in doodles showing male genitalia (a Glaswegian made the forgery). Nonetheless...

Sadly there is little to report in this war (or probably a good thing, as it cuts down on my gibberish). Despite the ever present threat of Scottish incopetence, easy victory was secured over the enemy. Portugal and Aragon had not yet fully recovered from their recent thrashing, and England has been a shadow of their former selves for years. Portugal was the first to fall...

Then Aragon...

In the finest traditions of Scots everywhere, an enemy is always valiantly and ruthlessly attacked when half-dead and pleading for mercy.

Nevertheless the peace with Aragon has given rise to some worry amongst some far sighted Scots. Creating a border with France and the menacing blob of Burgundy (Burgundy benefitted from their war v. England all those many years ago by gaining control of Gascogne, Labourd and seemingly swallowed up Navarra at some stage) may be none too wise.

There is a great shortage of loo roll, and a noticeable improvement in the smell of Scotland due to this, after Burgundy warns Scotland.

Nonetheless...something interesting has caught my eye...

Castille and France at war. Intriguing...

When gaining military access through France I responded in kind by granting France access through Scotland's lands. They seem to have used this to good effect, moving through Scotland's Aragon holdings to strike at Castille.

Following victories over large, powerful foes (albiet via constant opprtunistic attacks), something has changed in the Scottish spirit. Our armies have advanced, and now our soldiers wield the fearsome Longbow. War seems nowhere near as scary when you are not face to face with the enemy, but instead hiding up a hill raining arrows down on your foe. This new military spirit is shown when Highland Charge is learned.

Of course what is not stated in the text is that it is rather a Highland Roll...being as drunk as the Scottish army is, approaching any slight hill will see most fall over and roll towards the enemy.

As can also be seen in the screenshot, our mission is now to attack Castille. So very tempting...

However Scotland soon returns to its drunken cowardice, and spends the next few months waiting to see how things pan out. France seems to be doing rather well. Of course there is still Burgundy to contend with but...

I'm awestruck by the massive Scottish move to pick up vacation properities albeit at a relatively high price in dead and infamy in Iberia. Now to unite the sundered halves of the Iberian empire by crushing Castille. Then you'll need a navy and you'll have to watch the French.

One day, in the far away future of the grim 1990s - a young Englishman will shout out to his friends looking at the white cliffs of dover:

"It's the great outdoors. Doesn't it make you proud to be English?"

And another will answer:

"I hate being English. We're the lowest of the fucking low, the scum of the earth, the most wretched, servile, miserable, pathetic trash that was ever shat into civilization. Some people hate the Scots, but I don't. They're just wankers. We, on the other hand, are colonized by wankers. We can't even pick a decent culture to be colonized by. We are ruled by effete arseholes. It's a shite state of affairs and all the fresh air in the world will not make any fucking difference."

blsteen - Lives, infamy, dignity (what little of it Scots have left)...anything is worth getting off this rainsoaked land! The navy may have to wait a bit longer yet, but France should be dealt with soon...

Mico94 - I fear the armada too much, as a coward there is only one option open to me; avoid it at all costs. I simply keep my fleet at home during wars, and then transport over newly recruited units from Scotland to our new Iberian holdings during times of peace.

Milites - I doff my hat to you, a stupendous reply. I simply hope some nation can stop this violent rampage. The world conquered by Scotland, a horrible proposition.

loki100 - I dare not act as anything but an opportunistic coward during this game. Scottish drunken ineptness (that is, my own drunken ineptness) would bring about swift defeat if I met the enemy in open battle!

Mico94 - Sadly no amusing names thus far. However some amusing seeming typo's on the part of Paradox. I have stumbled accross a great many generals and advisors with the forename 'Andrea' - which I'd assume is meant to be Andrew. Plus a few with the surname Nasmyth - which I'd assume is meant to be Naysmith. Either they are typo's or the product of Scots being so drunk that they spell their own names incorrectly...probably the latter.

As can be seen from the last screenshot, Scotland is heavily outnumbered. Approximately 160,000 under Castille and Burgundy against Scotland's 50,000. Professional, highly trained and ruthless warriors pitted against dithering fools. But these fools are also opportunistic cowards!

Having attacked Castille whilst she fights France, Castille's army is too busy shadowing France's stack of doom. Burgundy is restricted in her access to Scottish land, her land only bordering Scotland's new Aragon holdings. Burgundy only has 7 transport ships, so amphibious attack is not to be feared. Scotland quickly formulates her war strategy;

Act like a coward.

The Scots thus quickly flee-uhm...strategically withdraw from their former-Aragon lands in the face of Burgundy's quickly advancing forces.

Meanwhile the massively reduced England hands Scotland yet another peace deal. Once upon a time these were moments of joy for Scotland. Now its merely business as usual. Alas turning England into a OPM is 4% warscore too much. Thus England are left with one remaining Irish province besides of course still owning London.

Once more a Scottish war has descended into a siege race. Scots being such cowards that they will never face a man in battle if possible.

Burgundy has quickly occupied most of the Scottish held Aragon. It is merely a question of whether or not she will begin moving her massive forces into Castille itself, and begin breaking Scottish sieges.

Scotland is gaining provinces. When Scotland occupy a province it has yellow stripes over Castille's yellow...Castille for some reason fail to accept the therefore reasonable argument then that Scotland have occupied all of her provinces (hey, they are all yellow).

Suddenly Castille's main force comes out of the fog of war which had been hiding it up north. Although currently hindered breaking through French occupied provinces, they are drawing ever nearer to Scotland's own siege works.

Burgundy too has been making rapid progress through Scotland's Aragon held lands.

Scotland do what any coward does when confronted with substantially more powerful forces. Scotland begs for peace.

The peace deal is not exactly amazing. However considering the fact that it was opportunism in the first place which allowed Scotland to enter the war, any gains are truly a bonus. At this stage Scotland is happy to weaken Castille in anyway possible. Plus Burgundy's warning has now been disposed of. Scots simply remain hugely thankful that Burgundy did not lead the opposition coalition.

The cowards way of war; gain land via minimal battles and constant skulduggery.

Taking stock of the remarkable gains achieved in recent years, the Scottish tyrant declares himself far more important than the Pope. Thus far revolts have not been overmuch of an issue. Most newly acquired lands seem to enjoy sharing in Scotland's obesity and drink problems. Plus the King provides a fantastic form of entertainment with his mad antics. Nonetheless -1 revolt risk is not to be sniffed at.

France are still busily at war with Castille. A quick look shows that they have lost a considerable amount of troops as their war drags on (England still has no armed force to speak of).

Having recently fought Scotland, and been reduced to fits of laughter when told of Scotland's martial prowess, Burgundy grants Scotland military access once more. Burgundy has no doubt drawn the reasonable conclusion that Scotland is far beneath herself. Allow the poor, backwards Scots access to our lands so they can gawp at the glory of Burgundy (I am truly astounded that they granted us access).

Gawp Scotland does. Another path into France has been opened. Only one option thus remains...

blsteen - Briefly! I was in Paris a few years ago...needless to say as a drink loving Scotsman, Parisians do not remember my visit fondly.

Hidden Legend - How wise your counsel is. I'm not a fan of mercenaries, they are too costly, and I am too miserly both in real life and ingame. However I should have dealt with the north in a better way then as follows...

A small bit of explanation (once again) with regards to the latest war. Burgundy was gauranteeing France. Scotland is far too cowardly to even consider warring against Burgundy once again. Thus checking France's diplomatic agreements, Scotland notices that France leads a number of unions...one such union being with the province of Foix. Burgundy has certainly not gauranteed Foix...a nightmare is about to be delivered upon the citizens of Foix, Scottish kisses are incoming.

Furthermore the previous screenshot was taken slightly too early, France's other vassals such as the OPM Brittany, Berry, Orleans etc. all joined the war as well.

There is a change in Scotland's usual strategy. Recently Scotland has been busy besieging provinces and avoiding enemy forces like the plague, unless they hugely outnumber them. This time around with a 40 strong stack of French troops still blundering about in northern Castille, Scot's find some bravery. They actually outnumber the enemy for once!

Thus using truly advanced and complex tactics which has taken years for Scotland to devise...the Scots throw everything they have at the main French forces still in France.

Having sent some 'deserters' (there was no shortage of volunteers for this role, of course) into the French lines before the battle explaining that Glasgow kisses would be meted out to all opponents in the coming confrontation, the French seemed to get the wrong idea. They rather lost their nerve when told Scots would be kissing them.

The force is ruthlessly harried. A Scotsman is quick to fight when it comes to slaughtering fleeing enemies. Or gaining the last pie.

After some unaccustomed exercise in chasing down the French force, Scottish soldiers go on strike. And sit outside numerous French towns, waiting for the gates to open in order for them to get into the nearest pubs.

Meanwhile...

Cowards! They merely got exploited by a dishonourable attack in the rear by Scotland. How dare they leave Scotland to fight mighty France alone.

This rather changes plans. France has a large armed force marauding somewhere in the Castilian lands. Furthermore she has the manpower and cash to recruit quickly. Whilst Scots bravely crush barely recruited units in France's southern provinces, French forces grow once more in fog shrouded north.

Scottish scouts suddenly spot the 48 unit stack of French doom surfacing from the fog of war. The King readies the diplomatic corps to beg for a peace deal with France. But wait...its a very diminished 48 unit stack. Well then, onwards!

Scottish troops are hurridly shipped from Aragon to Portugal. 24,000 Scots have been assembled. The Scottish general makes a rousing speech. 'Urgh...fwtzl...' His fellow drunks understand entirely. The Scottish lion roars forward...

Huzzah!

Livingston has won a historic victory for Scotland. 48 French units polished off instantly. He puts the victory down to 'Snrghfgl...an' scadash...' Truly a great man.

France have been comprehensively smashed.

Ireland is far from impressed from this victory however. And decides to commit suicide. Declaring war on Scotland without any allies and a pitiful army can be described as little else (or perhaps it can be described as a stroke of genius, as it is what Scotland have been doing to her opponents over the last few years).

Portugal's remaining free citizens notice the great benefits that Portugeuse slaving under the rule of Scotland enjoy. Worked to the bone, but exceedingly well fed, soused and murder is considered something to be applauded. It is little wonder then that they make their application to join Scotland's growing empire, dragging Aragon along for the ride.

France have been rebuilding as feared.

The Scottish diplomatic corps is shocked when Castille rebuff our reasonable demands for military access once more. You would think Scots were untrustworthy or something. Having 24,000 men stuck in Portugal with no way back to France is not ideal. Aragon may have no true land army left, but her fleet is far superior to anything Scotland can muster. At the same time those 24,000 dole out some kisses.

Scotland finally has a centre of trade. Instantly the value of alcohol, deep fried anything and medical supplies rockets around the world.

The waters now safe, Scotland desperately ship men back to the French front. Things are balanced on a knife-edge.

Ireland is dispatched.

But Connacht reforms in their place! In a charming puke green colour most commonly found outside of most takeaway food places on Saturday nights.

In the best case scenario, how many provinces do you intend to take from France? If you have not planned that far ahead (this aar has a strong suggestion that you are simply making it up as you go), be prepared to only be able to gain four or five provinces. I am playing as Mecklenburg in 1710 and just finished my first war with France. I am one of 5 Great Powers in Europe, the others being Britain, Italy, Russia, and, of course, France. I checked to see how much of Northern France I could realistically demand if I completely crushed France and found that I could only take four very small provinces in the Lowlands (Limburg, Brabant, Hainault, and Liege). All of their provinces seem to have high values so be prepared for a TON of wars before they are crushed. I would annex Foix and take Toulousse, Languedoc, Rourege, and Armagnac if you can after the war ends. In the next war, I would then take Auvergne, Lyonnais, Dauphine, Provence, and Avignon in the second war, thereby removing the threat from the southeast, or at least isolating it, and forcing France to come after you in a predictable direction that you can prepare against.

In the best case scenario, how many provinces do you intend to take from France? If you have not planned that far ahead (this aar has a strong suggestion that you are simply making it up as you go), be prepared to only be able to gain four or five provinces. I am playing as Mecklenburg in 1710 and just finished my first war with France. I am one of 5 Great Powers in Europe, the others being Britain, Italy, Russia, and, of course, France. I checked to see how much of Northern France I could realistically demand if I completely crushed France and found that I could only take four very small provinces in the Lowlands (Limburg, Brabant, Hainault, and Liege). All of their provinces seem to have high values so be prepared for a TON of wars before they are crushed. I would annex Foix and take Toulousse, Languedoc, Rourege, and Armagnac if you can after the war ends. In the next war, I would then take Auvergne, Lyonnais, Dauphine, Provence, and Avignon in the second war, thereby removing the threat from the southeast, or at least isolating it, and forcing France to come after you in a predictable direction that you can prepare against.

Next time give them a humiliating peace. Use a spy to forge obscure documents and then break the truce so that you can form a personal union for 80 war score job done.

Entertaining AAR. I do like the humour. Lets see how far you go before everyone DoWs you. Still I like the idea of removing the great powers first.

Have you given any thought to stability cost and infamy? Your brilliant synthesis of alcohol-induced daring and shameless opportunism means you can handle pretty nearly any war or combination of wars. And soon you'll be enormous enough to field an unstoppable army. So infamy isn't really a problem insomuch as it will make everybody hate you. But it will start applying an absurd multiplier to your stability costs, such that it's essentially impossible to recover from stability hits.

I just abandoned an Irish WC that was about 50% complete in 1590 because the stability costs had become obscene. I had conquered without any regard to infamy, and my total was around 700. At that point, a single stab point was going to cost me twenty years of 100% investment, or around 200,000 ducats.

One need not go to the impressive levels of BB-avoidance attained by the people lately attempting WC without ever exceeding the limit. But I don't know that it's practical to ignore infamy entirely. At the very least, you should probably push your sliders and government to where you want them for the endgame before going berserk.

History_Buff - In the best case scenario? As many as possible! Its true, some of my decisions in this AAR have been made off the cuff. However I had made the decision from the start to make the Iberian peninsula my entry point into Europe after having dealt with England. This was simply to chop down the primary colonial powers before they grew too large and actually began creating colonies. Beyond that, I'm just seeing how things go.

Its quite true that large nations do take a number of wars to be whittled away, especially nations such as France with a great many high value provinces. However I always try to begin non-stop wars with such large nations, preying on their diplomatic ties in order to keep them constantly at war, never able to rebuild, and forever granting me land! Gaurantees being excellent for this strategy. I'll see if I am able to do this with France, I hope so.

You provide wise counsel regarding the choices of provinces in a peace deal, I do always try to keep my borders restricted against large, powerful enemies. Which is why the peace deal I actually made with France was rather poorly done on my part...

Hidden Legend - I'm not a fan of personal unions, or the like. I don't envisage Scotland as the most diplomatic of nations (I say this as a Scot myself of course!). I too am wary of getting attacked by too many at the wrong time, hence why the Iberian peninsula is the perfect entry point into Europe. Not too many countries to get entangled in war with. Plus, as stated before, I can cut down the larger colonial powers early on!

blsteen - Adding to my Aragonese holdings is a good idea, I need to strengthen the border with France and Burgundy. However in any peace deal with Castille I'm currently more interested in simply forging a land border between my Portuguese and Aragonese lands.

loki100 - Yet another good idea, but as stated to Hidden Legend I am not too much of a fan of diplomatic gains in this game...not with Scotland anyway! It just does not seem too fitting. I do not doubt, I will probably rue these words when my infamy catches up with me.

NiJabbieJabba - No, thank you for the kind words and having taken the time to read this gibberish (bribe also in the post, I'm going to be skint soon!).

Regarding stability and infamy, as stated to naggy, infamy is my high score in an attempted WC! I want it to rise ever higher! I am beginning to get reasonably concerned regarding stability cost however. Earlier on I was happy to declare war without a cassus beli (being too miserly to pay for an obsure documents mission) due to the small size of the realm, gaining stability was not a problem.

However even now, this is alot less feasible. Stability is now proving a bit of a problem to increase. Nonetheless stability is not a crucial factor to this game. I would have expected to fall behind with regards to technology anyway. Regarding the economic ramifications of lower stability, my economy remains strong due to National Bank. The only true worry is with, of course, revolt risk. So far I have been lucky in this regard (it seems the conquered people truly do enjoy drinking themselves to death under Scottish rule!), and I plan to recruit rebel whacking squads for later on.

Nonetheless I'll see how things go, and simply be alot more prudent with my stability now. I will not be seeking war without a cassus beli any longer. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I do not get any bad events in this regard. So...uhm...yeah, counting on blind luck - its got me through thus far. My playing ability certainly has not.

And return to your Irish WC, do! My father is Irish (explains all my references to alcohol...Scottish and Irish blood...), turn the world green!