Monday, April 12, 2010

1. When I was a very little kid I liked pool jets. A lot. Also, bathtub faucet water, which is an angle that’s only easily accessible when you’re a very little kid.

2. When I was maybe young-teenager-ish and would masturbate, I’d feel so guilty I would burn my hands with a candle. This was really a turn-on more than a punishment, so I’m not quite sure what the point was.

3. I didn’t kiss anyone till I was 19. Mostly because I’d been dating boys who I found hopelessly unattractive, but I went on dates with them because for some reason I thought to turn them down wouldn’t be polite. Then I wouldn’t let them touch me. My first kiss was with a girl at a party, one of those parties where people are just drunk and kissing everybody. It was a nice little kiss, sort of sunny and innocent, and then she turned around and kissed the boy behind me. I’m sure she had no idea that was my first kiss!

4. I wandered around for a long time feeling fragile and dazed because I knew I was a lesbian-or-something-like-that but was too scared to let anyone else know.

5. I knew the girl who would become my first girlfriend liked me because of the way she played with my hair. We made out the first night we met, outside in the school’s courtyard on a blanket with another couple who were also busy snoodling each other. When we kissed I was so nervous and turned on that I felt sick to my stomach. She said “you taste like mint tea” and I said “you taste like iron” and all I could think of was that iron is poisonous to fairies.

6. When we were together she would mark me up, even when I told her no. I would have embarrassing bruises on my neck and torso from where she sucked too hard. I still don’t like people to leave marks.

7. The first and only person I have had sex with is my current partner. The first time was a really great experience, we were so ready for it and we were already in love. We’d just gotten back from seeing Rocky Horror Picture Show, and I had on lacy underthings under my boy clothes. I remember more about touching zir then about zir touching me. But the whole time was gentle and caring and good. After that we went into sort of a frenzy and did almost nothing but have sex for days!

8. Having sex for the first time took two tries though because I stopped breathing and my hands went numb! It took awhile before I learned to breathe normally during sex. I learned to follow my partner’s breath.

9. When I have sex I generally think of myself as male, strap-on or no. I’m pretty happily female-ish the rest of the time, if a bit on the genderqueer side. But it’s always sexy to be called “boy.”

10. Before I actually started having sex I thought I’d be a total and complete submissive. In reality, I’m pretty switchy. I love topping because it gives me a chance to come up with creative scenarios and pay close attention to my partner’s pleasure. I like bottoming because it allows me to get lost in sensation.

12. I think I would have a difficult time having sex with a person with an original-plumbing penis. I have a terrible gag reflex and I only like vaginal penetration occasionally and with something very small.

13. I like oral sex from time to time. Giving and receiving.

14. The craziest place I have had sex was in a snowbank by a frozen river (the clothes stayed on). Everything was still and beautiful.

15. I make my own bondage gear. I sewed beautiful wrist-and-ankle cuffs, they are vel-cro with a celestial pattern. They’re for adorable bondage. I like rope bondage too, tying my partner up in pretty patterns.

16. When I first started having sex I would see strange patterns and pictures during, especially if I was sleepy. I don’t anymore, but I am also less inclined to have sleepy sex now, preferring morning or afternoon lovemaking.

17. Most of the time my sexual fantasies are about gay-boy couples. I don’t know why. I also like stories about hardcore s&m that are way more intense than anything I’d probably want to try in real life.

18. I sometimes wonder how things would be with a different partner. Since I’ve only had sex with one person, sometimes I feel like I’m missing out on variety of experience. I am in a very monogamous relationship. I can’t even have a sexual dream about someone other than my partner without feeling terrible about it IN THE DREAM. Sometimes I’d like to kiss other people; not sleep with, just kiss. I really like kissing and when I’m single I’ll kiss just about anyone and not attach much serious emotion to it. But I have never cheated/gone beyond pre-discussed boundaries.

19. I like porn, especially pretty-dykes-who-actually-look-queer porn. I cringe at the loooong fingernails in lots of the designed-for-straight-men lesbian porn. My partner likes penis porn. I don’t usually seek out porn with boys-who-have-penises on my own, but it’s hot when we watch it together.

20. I like vibrators. And butt-plugs. And dildos, more for use on my partner than on myself. I have a sizeable and still-growing toy collection.

21. Smell is a big part of attraction for me. When my partner started taking testosterone, zir smell changed. When ze stopped again, ze smelled really really good to me and I wanted to pounce zir all the time. My nose likes estrogen-based people I guess.

22. When asked to name my sexual orientation/identity I use “queer” these days. It’s umbrella enough to encompass me. It’s a social identity too, and a way of thinking outside of “gay” and “straight.”

23. From time to time I like packing and then going to the dance club and grinding with my boi.

24. I do drag/cabaret, sometimes with very little on. Taking my clothes off in a bar full of people feels more empowering and less objectifying than I would have imagined. I love it that people find me--a very far cry from traditional media beauty--sexy. I like to make people question their notions of what’s attractive. I like to turn gay boys on.

25. I think I am lucky to get to express my sexuality often, safely, with someone I love. I have never had bad sex.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

1. I was born female and I'm glad, but gender hasn't ever been very important to me. I like people, elements, animals, objects--life turns me on.

2. The first time I heard the term bisexual I was 12. That was me until kids started saying I was just doing it to get boys' attention or I was gay and in denial--I was dating a boy at the time. Later I switched to answering that I was pansexual, which led to explaining "pansexual" to everyone who asks.

3. #2 and I never had sex. We made out and dry-humped, he nagged me for sex, I let him finger me once. I shaved beforehand, I thought he'd be grossed out if I hadn't. He was awful and it didn't turn me on at all, I faked what I thought an orgasm would be like just so he'd finish. He went to wash his hand and when he came back he said "my hand smelled kinda funny." He wouldn't lay off about sex. I told him I didn't want to risk using just condoms. He talked me into going on the pill, I started it but told him it took 30 days to start working. I dumped him on instant messaging later that week.

4. I stayed on the pill until I was 16. I wish I hadn't. It smothered my libido, I had my first orgasm at about 14... but I still made out a lot with friends, a few foolings around, but never any actual sex, per se.

5. The first person I actually fucked was a girl--I didn't know her name. I had turned 17 a few days before. We fucked drunk and high for at least 12 hours next to two friends of mine on a small bed, I yelled, moaned and screamed. I ate her out for hours, her body was similar to mine, almost eerily so. I couldn't come the whole time, I don't remember if she did.

6. I wasn't with anyone for 7 months. I ran into an old friend, we flirted comfortably, sang, took lots of drugs, some homemade. We fucked the whole night, awkwardly but enjoyably. I wanted to have anal sex but he was too big for no lube. When the sun rose we went outside and fucked against trees, he was wearing a skirt, I loved it and I'm glad we used condoms. We met up once later that month at a party--I was on coke. We fucked without protection all night, the weather was stifling, we didn't sleep until morning. I got some Plan B the next day and swore to myself I'd always carry condoms with me from now on.

7. I've only ever come by myself, and I worry about gushing with other people, most seem like they couldn't handle it.

8. I'm a slut at heart, but people assume I don't get laid because I never date and I don't usually talk my random hook-ups.

9. I masturbate all the time and I love it more than any two-person sex I've had. I hope to be with people I can feel that way with.

10. It saddens me when people are anti-sex and they don't even realize it. I try to be as overtly sex-positive as possible; it sparks a lot of fun conversations.

11. I'm not attracted to most people I meet, but when I am it's usually because of how comfortable they are with themselves.

12. I want to fuck my way around the world, but when people ask me what I like about travel I tell them that I love experiencing new cultures...

13. I try to be as comfortable with my physicality as possible, but sometimes mainstream brainwashing makes me feel worthless/less entitled to behave however I want because I'm not thin. I know it's stupid, but it still happens.

14. I love being roughed up when having sex. I'm tired of nice boys, they're too nice. They get flustered when I ask them to be mean.

15. I hate when guys sincerely "can't find the clit!" Or don't want to go down on a girl because they "aren't very good at it." I've only heard these excuses from younger boys. I have trouble finding older guys to fuck that aren't total creeps.

16. I've been uninterested in sex physically for a couple months, seeing as I've been really depressed, but I continue to read porn/fantasize. My body just doesn't react much.

17. I've got an incredible mother who supports my sexuality and porny ambitions in life.

18. I'm 18 now. #2 killed himself a few months ago. I wasn't surprised or regretful.

19. I'm most turned on when hiking or backpacking, when totally immersed in the real world. All my camping friends I have aren't hot to me, though.

20. When I was a young girl, I'd always get weird feelings toward jerk boys I wasn't even friends with. I now realize I just wanted to hatefuck them. Maybe I should have tried that instead of punching.

21. I love, love, love orgasms. I often have trouble stopping after just one or five or eight. Occasionally I'll run late because I took more time than I thought I would coming!

22. I've never been in deep love, I'm not sad about it. If it ever happens it will probably be one of the best and worst thing to happen to me. In the meantime, I love getting to know people in and out of bed.

23. I've never participated in group sex beyond #5. I think I'd be very well-suited to it, though.

24. I'm incredibly turned on by bloodplay, being held down, and many other dark things, but I don't trust anyone enough for any of it, at least not at this point in my life.