April 10, 2013

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Rookie is an online magazine and book series for teenagers. Each month, a different editorial theme drives the writing, photography, and artwork that we publish. Learn more about us here, and find out how to submit your work here!

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Naomi

Standing on a platform at London Bridge railway station, about to catch the train to New Cross, Dad told me to look up—if he hadn’t, I might not have noticed. Only if I tilted my head right back could I see the tip of London’s tallest skyscraper, all 95 storeys of gleaming glass pointing to the sky. It was the first time I’d seen the Shard in the flesh, not on a screen or in the newspaper, as the last time I visited London I don’t think it was even a hole in the ground. I felt like I could reach out and touch it, but it was so gigantic that I couldn’t really comprehend it. Just like I couldn’t comprehend the holiness of St. Pancras station’s arched cathedral-like ceiling earlier that day or my journey on the tube before that where the women carrying her load of brand-new bed sheets and the man engrossed in a tilting game on his phone captured a different kind of holiness. One where the wheels and cogs of this mammoth city all seem to work together and create something special, down the to the bones of the people and the metal of the train tracks.

But the most divine miracle was that I was in London at all. A couple of years ago it would have been unimaginable for me. Last year, when a pinprick of light appeared at the end of the tunnel of my two-year struggle with agoraphobia, when recovery finally seemed like a possibility, the idea coming to London was up there, shining like a shrine to freedom. It was something to work towards. But strangely, on Friday morning, it felt a normal thing to do. Which is exactly what I want.

When we arrived, however, it felt surreal—like a film set of London, and I was just an extra. Like if I walked around a street corner I’d find that the buildings were just facades with no insides. And so many people! They don’t look at you at all, which only added to my feeling of being in a movie or a dream.

Thankfully I had Dad to hold on to. He was my navigation. He grew up in and around London, so the whole transport system is ingrained deep in his brain and heart. I kept repeating variations of “How can there be so many people, Dad?” My hometown of Birmingham is Britain’s second city and seems like a village in comparison. From my house, it’s 15 minutes travelling into the town centre and 15 minutes out into the countryside.

I’ll have to get used to this largeness. With each route we took, I tried to memorise the names, familiarize myself with the bus numbers, pretend I was a local. I was staring into my new home. When we arrived at New Cross, excitement finally took over anxiety and I wasn’t sure whether to dance or cry because here was a place I had mapped out in my mind, seen in my imagination, and made reality. It was the final confirmation that Goldsmiths was the university for me and I didn’t even have to worry about being accepted because I already am. It just felt right.

That sprawling sensation that London has, when we were on the train and could see nothing but civilisation pouring in all directions, simultaneously terrifies me and enthralls me. The suburban areas are full of small windows illuminating other people’s existences for a split second as one of our final trains shuttled past in the dark. It made me realise that to other people, I am also one of those small squares of light, a little box of existence. I take everything so deadly serious sometimes, I act as if anything could go wrong at any minute. Being a little person in such largeness is humbling.

After having dinner with some of my family, we quietly began our mini-trek back home. As we got further away from city lights and travelled through blank hills and trees instead, the darkened windows became like a mirror. I wished they’d lower the artificial lights in trains at night—to see my reflection so close and so clearly was a little disconcerting. So I pressed my forehead against the glass, searching for any spotlight in the distance. My eyes followed the North Star, constant, all the way home. ♦

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Okay.. I just wanted to use this as a sharing place. Today this guy said something to me. He’s my friend even though we’ve dated a little. He’s dating my friend, I’m dating this amazing guy. He still flirts with me, though. Today, I am wearing a chambray shirt tied at my stomach, a tank top, and braids. He comes up to me and says “hey, are you gonna takedown your braids?” I’m like, nah, probably not. He says “you should, cause I’m digging the slutty cowboy look but the braids are overkill.”
What the hell?! Now I can’t wear that or do things with my hair or do anything without thinking its somehow for him. Fuck.

Sorry to comment on this great diary post. I love reading the diaries every week. Thanks guys, just had to get that off my chest <3

hey! one of the most important thing I have learned from Rookie is whatever makes you feel comfortable and sexy is what will look the best on you and “how you dress doesn’t mean yes” Don’t even give a shit about that boy:)

Ruby Book, you are one of the best writers on this entire website, in my humble opinion. Writing this weeks diary, and last weeks was so brave of you. I wish you all the best, and I am mentally sending you fairy dust and unicorn farts to make everything better for you!

Wahh Britney I love the Fault in our stars. Speaking of books, Rookie should have a book club were we all read a book and then a the end of the month there is a cool discussion of it and we all become enlightened and well read and happy little library elves. I think I went on a tangent, Sorry. Oh and ruby I’m sending you a mental goodie bag of rainbows, unicorns, and cup cakes.

Ruby!! I hope and pray you get better, and I really wish I could mail you a box of cupcakes and macaroons! I went through a chaotic 8th grade “downfall” I guess, never thought I’d be like that, but I started getting the help I needed as well as (don’t want to get all religious, but if it helped me, why on earth would I keep it to myself?!) trusting in God. That’s when I realized that I wasn’t on my own, and God’s helped me realize that I don’t have to go through things on my own and that He’s always been there. So I just want to let you know that God loves you so so much!! We also love you too girl!! Stay strong!!

Britney: that part in the fault in our stars is when I started crying and I didn’t stop until I had finished the book. The thing that terrifies me the most about death is missing out on doing things I should’ve done, that I will die without having accomplished anything.

OOOOOMMMGGG!! Naomi I just had the same exact experience!!! I’m moving to London in September to got to university and I visited last week and just totally fell in love with the city!! People on the tube, the masses of people the whole Britishness of it all :)) I’m soo excited to actually get to live there!!! Thanks for your diary entry, totally reassured me about being nervous, if that makes any sense :D

That picture is a drawing of Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close! I love that book so much. I see what you did to add that picture to fit in the theme “age of innocence”. Honestly, that kid in the book HAD this precious innocence but life decided to destroy it, just like what it did to everyone else. The book broke my heart.

Naomi, I completely get the not knowing your way about London thing. I’ve been with my parents about 20 times, and I still rely on them to get me everywhere!
I also hope Ruby’s ok, and that she’s getting better and so on. Missing her diary entry but I understand why it couldn’t be put up.

Ruby,
I’m so sorry that you’re in so much pain. I didn’t get a chance to read this week’s entry, but your post from last week was really moving and beautifully written.

I just wanted to say that I’ve struggled with depression for a long time (now I’m in my 20’s) and it does better, and easier to deal with. I hope you find a medication that works for you. And just know that the thing about depression is that it is cyclical – no matter how bad this episode is, you’ll come out of it again.

If you’re interested, one of the best books about depression is The Noonday Demon by Andrew Sullivan. He describes, exactly, the feeling of hopelessness and feeling afraid of everything and nothing specifically. He also talks about genetics, and different cultural views of depression.

“Depression is the flaw in love. To be creatures who love, we must be creatures who can despair at what we lose, and depression is the mechanism of that despair.”
Also, some good advice
“Listen to the people who love you. Believe that they are worth living for even when you don’t believe it. Seek out the memories depression takes away and project them into the future. Be brave; be strong; take your pills. Exercise because it’s good for you even if every step weighs a thousand pounds. Eat when food itself disgusts you. Reason with yourself when you have lost your reason.”

I hope that things get better for you really soon. You’re already a wonderful writer, and the one upside to this ordeal is that these experiences will probably help your writing in the long term. Read poetry. Take care of yourself.

naomi, i grew up in london and left when i was 8 i’m 14 now and i’ve literally LOVED goldsmiths all y life everything about it is so bautifu, if you at the studets they all ahve nice clothes, its weird to read about this are which i used to live in now ! haha. now im not a londoner the place suddenly seems special now aww