In an occult ceremony involving Dr. Dre, Justin Bieber, Diddy, and Ludacris, Usain Bolt was inducted into the famous person headphone cash-in club. One of the greatest humans in the history of the species now shills for gadgets!

Until now, SOUL headphones and other miscellaneous pieces of dumb plastic were pushed by Ludacris alone. They're pretty crummy and unattractive, in addition to being horrendously overpriced. Now one of athletics' greatest figures will be partially responsible for their existence. Here is every part of the press release that is sad and/or bad:

SOUL Electronics and the world's fastest man, Usain Bolt, have announced a branding partnership.

"He's a perfect representation of what SOUL stands for, and an ideal Brand Ambassador."

Usain Bolt noted, "I work hard at attaining my goals and in addition, I always try to inspire others to work hard and attain their dreams. I am looking forward to working with SOUL to deliver this message."

SOUL headphone models currently under development with Bolt include a...version of the company's popular SL300 that pays a stylish homage to the athlete's home, Jamaica.

Celeb endorsements are easy to ignore when it's just some money bulge who grins and preens for a living anyway, but Usain Bolt! You're the fastest human alive. You're better than this, right? No, nobody is better than this. All human accomplishment has been subsumed.