Don’t expect science or logic to open a closed mind, or hope for compassion from a hardened heart. Prejudice and ignorance are made, not born.

1. Homosexuality is contagious

American culture continuously grows acceptance for sexuality as a complex form of human expression without short answers. We don’t care who Furries yiff in the privacy of their own campgrounds. We respect their hairy rights, as long as no mammals suffer in the process.

Meanwhile heterosexuals, who stand fast against sensual variety, resemble global warming refuseniks. Their “Archie Bunker” ancestors of the 60’s and 70’s used to vilify environmentalism as a plot, hatched by Commie Pinko fags (look it up), hippies, and treehuggers to subvert our prosperous way of life.

Anti-alternative advocates should try this empirical test. The next time you meet a suspected gay or lesbian radical on the streets, make sure you reach out and touch that person’s skin.

Don’t worry; you won’t get AIDS unless you approach sans prophylactic and exchange blood or sexual fluids. Besides, nobody can “turn” you to play for a different team if you’re not already built for that option at the molecular level.

Anyway, in a day or two, if you don’t develop a powerful impulse to watch Project Runway, or build a canoe in your living room, then you should survive this encounter with only a few broken teeth.

Sorry Mr. Leviticus, our sexual flavors come locked and loaded in our DNA. Or, from a metaphysical perspective, you can’t pray the gay away when God already made you that way. Hell, even asking for divine intervention to make you bi, or a batter for breeders, questions God’s genetic wisdom, and smacks of blatant heresy. For behold, true believers may yet lose faith for Intelligent Design, even when gender preference manifests unto them as a locatable region of genomic sequence, corresponding to a unit of inheritance.

I’d like to invite all godless heathens, blind to molecular mysticism, to meet me behind the industrial complex in the abandoned parking lot for your lunchtime stoning. Remember to bring a bag of medium sized rocks!

3. LGBT’ers won’t stop undressing me with their eyes

Well, in the case of homely Homo sapiens, we may chalk this up as hubris. On the other hand, the beautiful people (we know who we are) may have a legitimate gripe.

Zillions of times I’ve swiveled eyeballs in lustful languor, hugging the tight curves of female anatomy while pondering writhing geometric possibilities struggling for slippery communion. Whew! Is it hot up in here or what? Scuse me while I go freshen up the downtown.

Fortunately attraction and fantasy require no introduction. I would have endured umpteen curses and beatings if women possessed the X-ray superpower to look upon the filth projecting across my mental drive-in.

Gay, straight, or bi, young men enter adulthood as shameless pigs. Whether by God or biology, toxic testosterone levels compel us like rats on roadkill to drool before our hot babe ideal. In fact, men never complain about being objectified by a tasty scrumpnugget, whose unblinking stare baits inborn sexual preference.

Ironically, straight studmuffins may puff up and proclaim indignation when cruised by crunchy beefcake. But the same dudes head home half-cocked for happy endings in front of porn starring one man and two bisexual minxes. In male sexuality double standards often take the wheel, driving headlong to a singular orifice.

So how do we unlearn centuries of redonkulousaurus fear?

We won’t change the world overnight, but the global spin advocating for sexual alternatives looks unstoppable, especially as more countries ratify marriage for same sex couples. The Y’s and X’s lead the charge to link preference with chromosomes, as opposed to good and evil.

Millennials are now twice as likely to support gay marriage compared with the silent generation. Gen X hipsters welcome the institution at a narrow 51%, while 41% of Baby Boomers have seen the light.

When it comes to ending irrational fear and prejudice aimed at gay folks, we can count on time to heal those archaic wounds, one shovelful at a time.