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cast members.

Bill: Thank you, honey. Appreciate you being here. Her band
is the E-Trend. Her newest CD is "Writes of Passage." She's
the artist currently known as Sheila E.

[ Applause ]

Hey, how you doing? Thank you for being here.

He was extremely evil as David Koresh and very nice on "Wings."
Now he's on the run as "The Fugitive." That's a very good
adult show. And he deserves a very goodadult show. It is Fridays
at 9:00 on another network. Tim Daly, everyone.

[ Applause ]

I'm not saying the kids shouldn't watch it. I'm just saying
--

he is an actor, comedian, critically acclaimed oil and watercolor
artist of the late Fernwood period currently on exhibit at
Scottsdale's Bentley Gallery. Martin Mull right over here.

[ Applause ]

Martin Mull. How are you, Martin Mull? Okay.

[ Applause ]

All right.

Bill: Well, first thing I want to talk about tonight is religion
a little bit, because my hate mail has been light lately.

[ Laughter ]

Martin: This will fix that.

Bill: I hate that.

Martin: This will fix that. Nobody hates me anymore?

[ Laughter ]

I mention this today because the taliban finally blew up those
temples. Remember, they've been threatening to blow up those
temples. And people are mad about that. Ted Turner, on --
I love Ted Turner. He is the most politically incorrect guy.
If I could, of f anybody I want on -- if I could get the joint
out of his mouth and get him off of his --

[ Laughter ]

Ranch in Montana, I would love to get him here. On ash Wednesday
he said to his staff, "What are you, a bunch of Jesus freaks?"

[ Laughter ]

He saw that thing -- I love him. And Jerry Falwell the other
day accused muslims of teaching hate. And all I have to say
is -- maybe I -- I think muslims do teach hate. I don't know
why all these other weird religions are any different than
the weird religions we have here. Why is this -- all the weird
stuff we do here, we teach hate. Jerry Falwell -- I love Jerry.
He was a guest. But, you know, he says homosexuals should
burn in hell. So doesn't he teach hate, too?

Rebecca: Well, first of all, let me just comment on the Catholic
remark that Ted Turner made. At "World net daily," we put
an article saying I was going to be on this show. And we asked
people to E-mail me with comments they would like for you
to hear. And one of them was, they feel like that you have
--

Bill: Oh, good, I did get some hate mail.

[ Laughter ]

Rebecca: You did get some, that's right.

Martin: It's great to know she has writers, too.

Rebecca: We've got over 1,100 E-mails so far, and a common
thread through that was people feel like you really are filled
with hate toward Catholics yourself. They're concerned about
that.

Bill: Oh, honey, I am a Catholic. I mean, I was raised Catholic.
I'm not now.

Rebecca: Well -- that you were raised Catholic, but that you've
said a lot of vicious things towards Catholics.

Bill: Vicious things?

Rebecca: And committed Christians on the show, and they took
great offense at that.

Bill: I said Christians should be committed, that's different.

[ Laughter ]

Martin: Absolutely. First of all, I think maybe --

Bill: I'm not vicious and hateful towards Catholics. I'm sympathetic.

[ Laughter ]

Rebecca: And I will say in the muslim sect, there are a lot
of violent sects. For instance, the Palestinians --

Bill: Violent sects is the best, boy.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

I kid.I kid.

Rebecca: I walked right into that one.

Bill: Yeah.

Rebecca: I walked into that one and deserved it.

Bill: Kids, don't try that asphyxiation thing.

Rebecca: But there is a lot in the Palestinian world where
they actually have children's shows that teach hate.

Bill: Of course there is. I'm just asking is it any worse
than the West? Are their religions any weirder? We're just
used to ours.

Tim: God knows no blood has been shed by the hands of Christians
for anything other than just cause.

Martin: Absolutely.

Bill: Yeah, right.

Rebecca: I think the problem comes in when people forget that
God --

Bill: Let him finish his thought there.

Rebecca: Well, I was gonna say, I agree that God is love and
people live that wrongly.

Tim: I would agree with you that God is love. Religion on
the other hand, may not be love.

Rebecca: Yes, that's right.

[ Laughter ]

Bill: Right. Exactly.

Tim: I was just thinking about Catholicism, and I consider
myself genetically Catholic.

[ Laughter ]

And my father was the only person that I've known in real
life who was exorcised. I mean, he was a rowdy little kid.
So the priest exorcised him.

Bill: You're kidding.

Tim: No.

Bill: They did an exorcism?

Tim: Said, "You have the devil in you," performed an exorcism,
scared the living --

Bill: Wow.

Tim: Well, what can I say -- scared everything out of him.
And of course it didn't work, so he lived the rest of his
life thinking that he was -- it really screwed him up bad.

Bill: That's amazing. That's rare that they perform --

Tim: So, that wasn't really a kind and generous --

Rebecca: You're right. It's the way we practice our religions
sometimes that we are at fault for showing hate.

Bill: Sometimes?

Rebecca: There are a lot of people who I think on a day-to-day
basis try to live out the cause of Christ or Christianity,
but you know, I don't always live it the way I should. I try
to every day. And it's all about your relationship with God.

Tim: Yeah, but how about Buddha or yahweh or Mohammed?

Rebecca: It's which relationship is with God that matters.

Tim: The thing is, though, if you look at the major tenets
of any religion, they all basically say the same thing, which
is the stuff you learn in kindergarten, you know -- don't
hit, love everybody, treat everyone nice -- that's the basis
of it. And then there are a lot of wacko little groups that
go off and do this crazy stuff.

Rebecca: Organized religion is sometimes the problem.

Bill: Okay. But sometimes wacko groups get real big.

[ Laughter ]

That's the problem, too.

Rebecca: That's true.

Tim: And tend to arm themselves.

[ Applause ]

Sheila: I think if I was going to be called anything, I would
be called a Jesus freak, because I think it's cool. I don't
think it's an insult.

Rebecca: It's not.

Sheila: It is not an insult.

Bill: A Jesus freak?

Martin: Well, you know, basically, if you have a religion,
it should be in its truest sense, an inner feeling is that
is absolutely unshakable, that you absolutely believe this,
you hold this tenet to be true and take it through your whole
life, and therefore, the adage of, "Sticks and stones can
break my bones," should come into play. I can call you a Jesus
freak, and if you are absolutely married to your faith, then
you go, "Hey, nice to see you, too." Big deal. I don't think
it should matter.

Bill: I'm a Jesus fan. I'm a big fan of Jesus. I'm not too
thrilled about the people who work for him.

[ Laughter ]

And who --

[ Applause ] And who claim --

[ Applause ]

Rebecca: And that's the point.

Bill: I mean, Jerry Falwell said God hates homosexuality.
How does Jerry Falwell -- I like Jerry, but how does Jerry
know what God -- God talks to Jerry?

Sheila: Right, that's true, though.

Rebecca: Well, there are biblical references even back to
the old testament that talk about homosexuality being wrong
--

Bill: The old testament? Who wrote the old testament? Did
God write the Bible?

Rebecca: -- Also that Jesus did reaffirm that homosexuality
is --

Bill: Jesus reaffirmed?

Rebecca: Yes, he did. That homosexuality is a sin --

Bill: What chapter is that in? Where is that?

Rebecca: And let me say. Let me just say.

Bill: Wait a second. Where is Jesus' comments?

Rebecca: It's all throughout the new testament.

Bill: Where?

Rebecca: You know what, I'm sorry to say I don't have the
scripture verse. But if you call me back, I'll give it to
you.

Bill: Because it doesn't exist.

Rebecca: Yes, it does.

Bill: Jesus never said one word.

Tim: Let me tell you something --

Rebecca: Jesus said --

[ Light laughter ]

Tim: Never mind. Go ahead.

Rebecca: He didn't come to tear down the law, but he came
to fulfill the law. And the law that he didn't come to tear
down was some of the moral absolutes that were set forth in
the ten commandments.

Bill: Again, the ten commandments, nothing about homosexuality.

Rebecca: They talk about -- they talk about adultery --

[ All talking at once ]

Tim: You mentioned when I played David Koresh.

Bill: Yes, David Koresh.

Tim: One of the things I learned when I played David Koresh
was that -- you know, I did a lot of research on this. And
the one thing that everyone said about the guy was that he
had an encyclopedic knowledge of the Bible.

Bill: Yes.

Tim: And so I did a lot of reading. I cannot quote a chapter
and verse, but what I did discover about that book, which
is fascinating and really a great piece of fiction --

[ Laughter ]

-- No, I mean, great --

Bill: It's an anthology.

Tim: -- If you take parts of the Bible and quote it out of
context, you can justify anything.

Bill: Right.

Tim: You can justify what you're saying.

[ Applause ]

You can justify anything.

Rebecca: I agree with that. The entire spectrum of life is
represented in the Bible.

Bill: I mean, the Bible says when you're menstruating, you've
got to go outside the tent. Should we live by that now?

Rebecca: You had a point that you made earlier --

Bill: "How are you feeling today?" Maybe you should --

Rebecca: My husband would like to send me out.

Bill: I have to take a break. We'll check this out.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Bill: The stock market took a huge nosedive. The fifth-largest
drop ever. The NASDAQ is now down more than 60% from its high.
The same as Matthew Perry.

[ Laughter ]

Bill: A U.S. jet was training over there in Kuwait on an exercise
mission and accidentally dropped a bomb and killed six people,
and this bomb was way off target. It was supposed to hit a
Japanese fishing boat.

[ Laughter ]

Way off.

[ Applause ]

Okay. We're talking about matters like God and what he knows.
Have you heard about this coach in Arizona -- this basketball
coach -- women's basketball coach? She's pregnant. She induced
pregnancy yesterday so that her team -- so she could be there
when her team goes to the playoffs.

Tim: I think you meant to say she induced labor, 'cause I
think her husband induced pregnancy.

Bill: Yeah, right, right. Yeah.

[ Laughter and applause ]

That's right.

Martin: Inducing pregnancy's another word for dating, really.

[ Laughter ]

Bill: Right. Good point there.

Martin: Good night, everybody.

Bill: My wing man, okay.

[ Laughter ]

So she induced labor, right. Okay, it's Arizona State. Their
woman's -- they have a woman -- and they're apparently gonna
win the PAC-10, whatever the hell this is.

[ Light laughter ]

I don't know. Anyway, she thought this was important to the
40 people who care about women's basketball.

[ Laughter ]

[ Audience groans ]

Tim: Ooh!

Bill: Oh! All you people who are groaning, do you care about
women's basketball?

[ Laughter ]

Okay. Then that is what I call "fained outrage." And I hate
that in America. "Ooh, I'm outraged." Not really me, I'm outraged
on the behalf of someone else.

Martin: Yeah, yeah.

[ Laughter ]

Bill: Who would be outraged --

Martin: Outraged by proxy.

Bill: Right, outraged by proxy, yes.

[ Laughter ]

Anyway, no one gives a rat's ass about women's basketball,
but the point is, you know, we just got through the school
shooting, and people were saying, "Parents -- you know, they
don't make their kids enough of a priority." Well, here's
a woman who says, "Sunday works for me to have a child so
I could be back on the court Tuesday." Good thing? Bad thing?

Martin: Well, I think it's a "safety first" thing because
had she been sitting on the bench -- quite preggers -- water
could have broken, got it all over the floor, one of the players
--

[ Laughter and applause ]

Slips --

Bill: Right.

Martin: Lawsuit --

[ Applause ]

They gotta get out there, mop it up.

Bill: Yeah, those guys rush out with the mops.

Tim: I think it actually shows a little bit of progress, because,
I mean, my generation -- I know that I was induced. I mean,
I was induced to be born, and --

Bill: Seriously?

Tim: Yeah.

Bill: Your father was exorcised?

[ Laughter ]

You are the perfect panelist for this show.

Tim: I think a lot of people of my generation were induced,
and I think that at least this coach is doing it for herself
'cause back when I was born, it was probably about the doctor's
tee time.

Martin: Yeah.

Tim: For his golf schedule.

Bill: Well, why were you induced? Why was that done? It was
not for --

Tim: I think it was because the doctor thought that it would
be a fine Time for him to be at the hospital, and --

Bill: Oh, come on.

Tim: He wasn't playing golf that day. I'm serious.

Bill: It's a pretty serious thing. It's usually done because
of health reasons.

Rebecca: Right, I had three C-sections and had to schedule
those before I went into labor the second time, so it is usually
done for health reasons. I think in the case of the Arizona
coach, her baby was already nine pounds when the doctor said
that he could induce labor early. It was only two weeks early,
and I certainly think that parents --

Bill: Only two weeks early?

Rebecca: Yeah, it was only two weeks early, and the baby was
already a nine-pounder, but I do think the point about a lot
of the parents --

Bill: It's supposed to be a natural process.

Rebecca: -- don't place their children -- a lot of parents
don't place the priority on their children that they should,
and I think that that's the point here. But in her particular
case, it didn't -- it seemed like it was medically safe.

Bill: But shouldn't it just come when it comes unless it's
an absolutely Earth-shattering reason not to do it that way?
Shouldn't it just come when nature says --

Rebecca: Generally speaking, yeah, I think it should. But
she was -- she was probably gonna be really stressed out during
that game as the coach.

Bill: Oh, gosh.

Rebecca: And that could be very bad for the child, too. That's
one of the factors that they look at when they're talking
about the end of your pregnancy.

Bill: Well, then maybe just don't coach.

Rebecca: Right, absolutely. I mean, I tend to agree with you.
I think we agree --

Martin: Would you change your tune if, in fact, she was going
to get the Nobel Peace Prize or something like that and she
wanted to be able to walk up there and get it unincumbered?
I mean, are you making a judgment between coaching basketball
and world peace?

Bill: I'm just saying you can't -- you can't do --

[ Laughter ]

Rebecca: Right, exactly.

Martin: But seriously.

Bill: No, I wouldn't.

Martin: 'Cause her priority has to be her priority.

Rebecca: Well, I think the priority is the safety of the child.
When you commit to be a parent, you have to put that baby's
safety in front of what your own desires are. And I understand
your point, and I agree with it 100%.

Tim: Right, on the other hand, as a parent, you know -- and
I will tell anyone out there who's about to become a parent
-- children are not convenient. There's nothing convenient
about having --

[ Laughter ]

And you don't look in your palm pilot and decide if this is
a good day to have it.

[ Laughter ]

Bill: Yeah.

Tim: And I think that a lot of people are behaving now as
if they're having trophy babies. "Oh, I had my baby, here
it is, go to the party, get the toast -- " no, you don't get
-- that's for when you're married.

Bill: Yeah.

Tim: But the other thing with the baby -- "Get this crib,
and then give the baby to the -- and go back to work."

Bill: Yeah, but you don't want to put the baby in the toaster
oven.

[ Laughter ]

I may not know how to induce one, but I know that.

[ Laughter ]

Martin: What about the idea, too, with all the ass-slapping
that goes on in basketball games? [ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

I mean, that's inducing --

Bill: Oh, right, and if they won, they'd pour the thing over
-- that can't be helped.

Bill: An Oregon man has been arrested for threatening to throw
gasoline and a match on President Bush.

[ Laughter ]

Even more serious, he planned to come up behind Dick Cheney
and go, "Boo!" [ Applause ]

Okay. All right. Question three -- how many of you know what
a rave is? Now, I mentioned this -- apparently, no one.

[ Applause ]

Okay. Because my mother was asking me -- she had read about
this. She's like, "What's a rave?" I said, "$50, same as downtown,
Mom." No.

[ Laughter ]

Now, you know, we're all too old to go to a rave now, right?
I mean, I hear about them, but I wouldn't go. It's basically
an all-night dance. And, you know, let's not kid ourselves.
They're doing ecstasy. That's what they do at raves. They're
places where people go -- sometimes they're outside, they've
had them in the desert, they have 'em at a warehouse, sometimes
it's some secret location. Okay, in New Orleans, they've been
having them at the State Palace Theatre for five years, and
the guys who own the theater are being now charged under the
old crackhouse laws. Because basically, they were giving away
bottled water, pacifiers -- I guess you get a little mouthy
on the ex. You know.

[ Laughter ]

They had chill rooms, so the prosecutor there is saying basically,
you know, the guys who own this theater know what's going
on even though they're not supplying the drug. And therefore,
they can arrest them. I think that's going too far, but you
might disagree.

Tim: First of all, this took place in New Orleans, the capital
of public drunkenness. And second of all --

Bill: Yeah.

Martin: That's right.

Tim: Second of all, that, you know -- I think if they close
down this, then don't you have to go and close down the bars
where they sell the actual drugs? I mean, alcohol, let's face
it, is a drug. This whole thing of "drugs and alcohol" --
that phrase annoys me. Alcohol is a drug.

Bill: Absolutely.

Tim: And we sell it at bars.

Bill: Exactly. They're roadside pit stops for selling an incredibly
powerful drug that's legal. And by the way, where do people
get illegal drugs? Probably in bars, too.

Tim: I happened to be in New Orleans recently --

Bill: Don't tell me you were induced in a rave.

[ Laughter ]

Tim: Not that I recall.

Martin: He was inducing pregnancy.

Tim: No, it was actually -- it was kind of amazing because
the level of public drunkenness was even more than I'd anticipated.
At 11:00 in the morning, well-dressed people staggering around
the streets and throwing up. I would rather go to a rave and
have a lollipop, even if I didn't explore all the other possibilities,
than have to clean up vomit from my stoop.

Bill: Yes, and --

[ Laughter ]

And New Orleans showed itself recently to be the only city
that really knows how to party to excess. Every other city
that tried to do Mardi Gras -- riots, bloody heads, dead people,
fights. New Orleans -- just tits and beads.

[ Laughter ]

New Orleans --

[ Applause ]

Tim: That's it.

Bill: You know?

Sheila: But I have to say, Bill --

Bill: --

knew how to do it.

Sheila: I still think that it's wrong, though, for them to
supply, to help, these people have a good Time because doing
drugs is wrong. Alcohol, I mean, to an extent --

Bill: Doing drugs is wrong?

Sheila: I mean, but I'm saying --

Bill: This whole country is on drugs.

Rebecca: That's true.

Sheila: And that's the problem.

Rebecca: It's wrong.

Bill: Why is it wrong? It's part of nature. Who do you think
they put mushrooms in the ground?

Sheila: But listen, what if --

[ Laughter ]

What if someone --

Bill: That guy you believe in is a freak.

Sheila: What if someone --

[ Laughter ]

Jesus -- I believe. So anyway, listen. What if something happened
and one of these kids overdosed because of the things that
they had supplied for them? Are they responsible?

Rebecca: -- at these rave parties, and they say the emergency
rooms in New Orleans are filled with kids on Saturday --

Bill: It's a serious drug.

Rebecca: It is a very serious problem. We need to do something
about it.

Martin: But supplying bottled water, and they also supply
the chill rooms, and sometimes an ambulance and this and the
other thing is there to forestall that problem of overdose,
and they're being held accountable for that, too, right?