I had a Mirena implanted about 4.5 years ago, and have had maybe two days of light spotting since then. I had a B12 deficiency which was making me extra flaky, on top of being new to the super erratic schedule of an adjunct/freelancer, and I wasn’t being super great about taking the pill. The Mirena was 100% covered by insurance and FluterDude and I were entirely too poor to even vaguely entertain the idea of accidental babies, so it seemed like a good fit.

Reader, it was a better fit than my husband.

I haven’t had a period in 4.5 years. It turns out, in addition to the inconvenience, there were all sorts of minor health issues that my period was causing and they’re all just ... gone. I am a happy, normal, functional, adult woman. I love this thing.

When I moved last summer, I noticed that all the tampons I owned were expired (four years!), so I pitched them. I’m sitting alone in a home free of all feminine hygiene products, using the restroom, and .... wait, what’s happening in my underpants? Oh GOD, AM I DYING? HAVE I FINALLY HAD SO MUCH DIET SODA THAT MY INSIDES ARE LIQUIFYING AND DRAINING OUT OF MY UNDERPARTS? Just like the first time, when I was a kid. WHAT IS GOING ON DOWN THERE WHAT IS ALL THAT .... oh yeah. This is a thing that happens.

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Time to macguyver together a panty-liner/toilet paper pad and go about my day.