Riot Fest Horoscopes – Week of June 18, 2018

Riot Fest has brought together 12 different, but very qualified psychics for this week’s Riot Fest Horoscopes. If you can guess the 12 different psychics, you will win a very important prize. Our respect.

AQUARIUSJanuary 20-February 18

Go out to the parking lot, get in your car, drive real far, and drive all night. Then you see a light and it comes right down and lands on the ground and out comes a man from Mars.

PISESFebruary 19-March 20

You can’t get it right if you can’t relate. Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate. Time is a piece of wax falling on a termite, that’s chokin’ on the splinters.

ARIESMarch 21-April 19

You better listen to the voice of reason, but they don’t give you any choice ’cause they think that it’s treason. You had better do as you are told. You better listen to the radio.

TAURUSApril 20-May 20

Do you want to be a polyester bride or do you want to hang your head and die? Do you want to find alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale? Do you want to flap your wings and fly away from here?

GEMINIMay 21-June 20

Smoke that bowl, hit the bong, and then take that finger off of that hole. Plug it, unplug it, don’t strain.

CANCERJune 21-July 22

Get soused by the sea and take a dip, in the briny deep. Hang by the maritime, marine at nighttime.

LEOJuly 23-August 22

How much you give is your own choice, but it’s the difference between a Porsche and a Rolls Royce. Make it hurt when you dig into your pocket.

VIRGOAugust 23-September 22

Keep one of your eyes open at all times. Think that you’re on the brink? The shit hasn’t even begun to hit the fan. You will soon see things stranger than a gang of drunken mimes.

LIBRASeptember 23-October 22

Nobody liked you when you’re twenty three. You’re still more amused by TV shows. What the hell is A.D.D.? Your friends say you should act your age. What’s age your again, what’s your age again?

SCORPIOOctober 23-November 21

You smell like smoke and you feel like shit. It probably couldn’t hurt if you took a dip.

SAGITTARIUSNovember 22-December 21

You don’t know how to live but you got a lot of toys, your daddy’s a lazy middle-class intellectual, your mommy’s on Valium, so ineffectual. Ain’t life a mystery, yeah?

CAPRICORNDecember 22-January 19

There’s a bird inside your rib cage, he screams so you never forget. Break open your sternum and rip him from his nest.