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How does a man show that he isplanning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer.

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So men can remember them.

How many honest, intelligent, caring menin the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

Why does it take 1 million spermto fertilize one egg?

They don't stop and ask for directions.

How many men does it take to changea roll of toilet paper?

We don't know; it has never happened.

What do you call a woman who knowswhere her husband is every night?

A widow.

Why is it difficult to find men who aresensitive, caring and good looking?

They all already have boyfriends.

What is the one thing that all men atsingles bars have in common?

They're married.

Why does a mans IQ go up when he is having sex?

Because he is plugged into a genius...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-Why did God give men penises?So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

How is a woman like a laxative?They both irritate the shit out of you.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?A woman that won't do what she's told.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?Marriage.

Why are hangovers better than women?Hangovers will go away.

What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?Its Braille for "suck here".

Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?Her navel.

Why do men die before their wives?They want to.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?Lipstick.

What's a wife?An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Why do women have tits?So men will talk to them.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?Money.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?You can unscrew a light bulb.

Why do women have periods?They deserve them.

Why did God make man first?He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?Made her chain too long.

Why was the woman crossing the road?Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?After 5 years your job will still suck.

Why can't you trust woman?How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Q:What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A:A quater-pounder with cheese.

Q: What is in between an 80-year-old woman's breast

A: Her belly-button

This guy died with an erection. It was to big for the mortician to put himin a coffin, so the wife told the mortician to cut it off and shove it uphis ass. The next day at the funeral the wife saw a tear in her deadhusband's eye. She bent over and said, "I told you it hurts you fuckingbastard."

Q: why do women parachutists wear tampons?

A: so's they don't whistle on the way down.

Similiarity between a woman and a computer!Both can accept a 3.5 inch floppy

TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY..

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

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Unbodied unsouled unheard unseenLet the gift be grown in the time to call our ownTruth is natural like a wind that blowsFollow the direction no matter where it goesLet the truth blow like a hurricane through me

...And to the men...25. The Rosie O'Donnell Show is approximately one hour long. Depending on the time of day it comes on where you live, this would be the perfect time to mow the lawn, weed the garden, tinker with the car, or any of the 20 other things we have to constantly remind you to do.24. A Barbecue outside on the patio does not constitute a fine dinner out. (Citronella Candles do NOT set a romantic mood, either)23. Dress to impress once in awhile. You never know, you may actually like all the other women ogling you from afar.22. Go on, admit it. You secretly like us calling you at work.21. Shorts and black socks with sandals is NOT sexy.20. While we all should be in the spirit of recycling, shouldn't you give up wearing the "ripped to shreads" underwear, even if all the holes are worn just so?19. We already know what you are thinking. Sometimes we just need clarification.18. Don't complain about OUR vast array of shoes, and we won't pick on you about YOUR vast collection of "sneakers for every occasion". 17. Things you can help with scrubbing the bathroom, fixing things that don't need to be fixed, holding the instruction manuals while we put the new things together, and lighting a fire.16. Shopping IS a spectator sport, and you are the lucky spectator. Accept this harsh reality, as will we when the roles reverse, say, at the local sporting goods store.15. While the lingerie with strategic openings appeals to you, most of the time we pray the store will exchange it for something more comfortable when you're not looking.14. How is it that men seem to lose their way to the laundry room after marriage? We know you did it before you married us, we've seen the pink underwear.13. Sports Center comes on roughly every six hours. Plus they have continuous updates during every hour. If you miss something due to us talking to you, chances are you'll hear all about it in another 15 or so minutes, so relax.12. We appreciate your input on most issues, but our Soap Operas aren't one of them. We already know she's the evil one, and he's screwing around. A recap complete with intervals of "I can't believe you're making me watch this" are unnecessary.11. We know you watch Baywatch for the fine acting skills of the actors and actresses.10. Even though you think Pamela Anderson is a babe, don't expect us to agree.9. Women have a better sense of direction than men. Accept it.8. When lost, getting out and asking for directions is okay. Driving around aimlessly and swearing is not.7. Cut us some slack when we ask you questions about how sports are played and the rules. Help us understand these games better. Consider it your civic duty.6. Beer burps are not considered a second language, even if you CAN burp the alphabet.5. Towels dry faster when they are hung up on the towel rod, not crumpled on the floor.4. Take time to smell the flowers. Then bring some home to remind us how much you care.3. Psst... We're only lending you the remote... If you have kids, you know who really owns that T.V.2. We really are the sex crazed maniacs you fell in love with. Just reset your clock to our female standard time, and you'll see what I mean.1. Finally, don't show us where the oil goes, or the washer fluid, or even how to fix a car. This is one of the many reasons we married you.

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offeringcourses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males andfemales understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of thefollowing is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity2. You Too Can Do Housework3. PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Just Give Us Credit Cards)6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash My Silks")8. Parenting Roles Beyond Initial Conception9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook10. How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence13. You, The Weaker Sex14. Reasons To Give Flowers15. How To Stay Awake After Sex16. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere Except In The Bathroom 17. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb18. A. You Really Can Fall Asleep Without Doing It, If You Really Try B. The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake In The Morning, Take A Cold Shower19. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Damn Well Please20. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat (formerly called "No It's Not A Bidet")21. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Often Bullshit22. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost23. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency24. Romanticism - Other Ideas Beyond Sex25. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes26. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too27. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous28. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children29. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver30. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home31. You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked32. Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works!33. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Your Vocabulary34. Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary35. You Don't Really Need That Porsche After Thinning Hair And Mid-Life Crisis 36. How To Tolerate Bras And Pantyhose Hanging In The Bathroom

sorry, but it makes my blood boil when chicks start complainin bout the toilet seat etcwe have to put it up, u can put it down, u want us to "fix the car mow the lawn an a million other things" but u bitch about cookin an washingwat the fuck is up with that?its facism not feminism

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If your not living life on the edge, your taking up to much room