Monday, May 22, 2006

Is it ever O.K.?

I've been struggling a lot lately with the "infertility" issues. It happens like that some times. I'll go for weeks at a time not even thinking about our inability to get pregnant. We haven't been trying for a few months, and pretty much all of our energy has been going towards thinking about the adoption. That's the way I like it. Then, other times(like now), I obsess over it. I can't get it out of my head. I feel sad about it. I feel anger. I was wondering to myself why I go through these cyles, and it seems to be directly related to the number of pregnant women that are in my life at the time. Right now there are a lot. At least four. Two of whom only recently announced it. It happens in waves. I work at a Catholic school, so there are always pregnant women. You get used to it. Lately though, it seems like every time I find out about a couple and deal with it, there are four or five more that pop up. I wish it didn't bother me. I try not to let it. But there are days, like today, when I end up crying all the way home from work. Why all of these other women and not me? Why do some people get to be pregnant three, even four times, and I don't even once? I can't get past the unfairness of it. This is a totally separate issue from the adoption. Notice I didn't say "they get to have three or four children." No, I said they get to be pregnant. Something I wanted more than anything. I still want it. People ask me all the time "What will you do if you get pregnant during the adoption process?" My answer is and always will be "Then we'll have two beautiful children." Sophie is in our hearts. She is our child. She will always be our child, no matter what. Nothing can change that. And yet I still have this yearning to be pregnant. At times it consumes me. I try so hard not to let it. I want to let it go. But I can't seem to do it. My therapist says it is a process, and there is no way of telling how long it will take. But I want to know! How much longer? I want to skip to the end, to the part where it is okay. The part where I don't have to go into the bathroom and cry just because someone announces they are pregnant. I want to get to the part where I don't hate pregnant women. To the part where I don't cry myself to sleep at night wishing for something that will probably never be. But I don't know how. Then I read posts like this and I find myself shaking my head and saying Yes! Yes! I feel the same way! I'm so glad I'm not alone! But then it makes me sad that there are so many other women out there feeling the same way, yearning for something, that for some, will never come. I guess what I'm asking is, does it ever go away, this yearning, this pain? Is it ever Okay? Will having Sophie here make that pain disappear? What if it doesn't? Why can't I let go of this?

2 comments:

Anonymous
said...

Yes, it does lessen once you have your child. For me it is completely gone.

Now I am grateful for all the things I missed by not giving birth. Like:1. no vericose veins - yet anyway.2. No labor pains.3. No 10000 lb weight gain (only the 1000 lb weight gain from the stress of adoption)4. Not passing on the unfortunate genetic anomolies from both sides of the family.5. Missing the boring months of just changing diapers, feeding, and watching the baby sleep.

At some point after we came home with out first daughter I had a dream that I gave birth to her. For several days afterwards the line between dream and reality was blurred and I really thought I gave birth to her. It was so emotionally powerful, I knew that I crossed a huge emotional hurdle and I've never looked back; absolutely no regrets about not having tried harder or longer to have biological children.

I think it will... I think once you will have Sophie, you will think, "Pregnant, meh."

I have been pregnant 3 times... 2 of those times resulted in my boys and the 3rd time was a miscarriage so deadly that it literally almost killed me. I spent 6 days in the CCU ward at Hoag and received 3 blood transfusions as well as a lovely procedure called a uterine embolization... one year later I had my hysterectomy. 3 years later we were in China adopting Eva.

For me being pregnant was a means to an end, and when that means was no longer viable, adoption came into our lives.

You want to be a mother. Right now, with all the medical setbacks it might feel like that is really out of reach and if you could just get knocked up tonight you would have your child in 9 months instead of 12, but Sophie is a reality and she will be here and once she is, you will understand all this drivel I am blabbering at you!

Someday

You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry
[Chorus]
And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday

Now wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind
You can run, oh
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it's good to be so warm

And I don't want to waitI just want to know
I just want to hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow
Cause maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just feel better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday
Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over again