Of course, if it wasn’t for Cricket Australia trying to list the Best 100 Test Players since 2000, this team I am about to reveal would never have seen the light of day.

Theirs is a decent concept butchered. Misbah at one place higher than Chris Martin and both ranked in the 80’s? It’s more confusing than trying to decipher the lyrics to an REM song.

Anyhow, there were 803 players at the time of writing who have played a Test match since the first of January 2000.

Rather than create a bottom 100 list, I’ve got lazy and nailed it down to the Worst XI.

Some will say this is in bad taste. It would have been if I did it all myself. Unfortunately, the nomination thread went viral and that speaks highly of the interest in this topic.

My only stipulation when selecting the side was that there was a 10 Test minimum. I may have broken this rule when it suited me. Actually, I pretty much ignored it.

The Worst Test XI Since 2000

Desperately unlucky to gain selection as an opener was Sherwin Campbell, who averaged 24.88 over 28 innings. R Chandrika, who at time of writing has only a pair on debut to his name was also a show. Glenn Maxwell put up his hand, but we think Micky Arthur was just punking us when he allowed that to happen.

Morne Morkel had claims. He opened the batting in 1 innings, making a 2nd ball duck.

Alastair Cook tried his best to make a late run, but stuffed it up when he recently made a ton in the West Indies.

Mehrab Hossain (Ban) tried it 19 times for an return of only 13 runs per innings.

Destructive nightwatchman James Anderson has batted at number three on nine occasions, for an average of 9.33.

Michael Clarke has batted here only twice, for a total of 25 runs. Only twice? Yeah, I had to recheck that. It’s accurate. Clarke is a wuss.

Nathan Lyon averages more than Clarke at number three.

Nassar Hussein (Eng) somehow was allowed to bat here 39 times. It delivered him a James Anderson like bowling average of 29.96.

Essentially, numbers 4 and 5 had to be padded up and ready to go when Nassar walked to the crease. His average dig only lasted 69 balls.

However, no one ever looked better averaging 3.00 in Tests than Rob Quiney (Aus).His debut 9 will never be forgotten by those that witnessed it.

Batting supremos Daniel Vettori (Ave 76.00) and Freddie Flintoff (Ave 75.00) own the number 4 slot. So does Nasser Hussein. His average of 38.28 eclipses that of Michael Clarke (32.07).

Clarke has reason to feel aggrieved for not being selected in this team at number 4, given his horrible return for such a gifted player. However, he falls behind Phil Hughes’ 5 innings, 86 total balls faced and 10 runs made in total.

Yes, I know that breaks by 10 Test rule, but Hughes has always been undervalued by the cricketing world. It is time we did our piece to fix that.

But that is not bad enough to win the position. No, that honour goes to Mohammad Ashraful (Ban). 44 innings for an average of 15.70 is a ridiculously poor return.

The number 5 slot could have been reserved for an Indian by the name of Saurav Ganguly (Ind). 86 times he represented his country in this position. He delivered a mediocre average of only (37.23). Paul Collingwood had a higher average, made more centuries and did it in less Tests than Ganguly. Ganguly is ridiculously overrated.

Even Nathan Hauritz averaged 75.00 when batting 3rd drop.

Hanse Cronje batted twice at 5. He lasted 10 balls and never scored a run there. South African spinner Paul Harris (5.00) averages more than Che Pujara (4.00) in the position.

Nasser Hussein was up for another nomination, averaging 31. But how many times can you acknowledge his contributions to terrible cricket?

But the winner is a Kiwi.

DR Flynn (NZ) played 15 Test innings at number 5. His highest score was 53. He averaged 19.54 and made 4 ducks. Also, he wasn’t a doctor.

The number 6 position was a difficult one to fill. Primarily as it is traditionally used as a transitional one by new players entering the Test arena.

Dean Elgar’s 3 innings for 7 runs is worthy of a look. Khaled Mashud (Ban) had 10 attempts to average a paltry 11.80.

Moeen Ali’s average of 21.00 gave it a strong tilt. After the upcoming Ashes, he may have a stronger case.

Dwayne Bravo lingered in the position long enough to bat there 50 times. He averages 26.61. Shane Watson also averages 26 at number 6.

Some bloke called Steve Smith could only average 25 when so far down the order.

However Graeme Hicks’ (Eng) 6 innings, 2 ducks and average of 8.00 probably locks it up. Although, if we were reserving this spot for an all rounder, Ravi Bopara has both mitts clamped firmly around it.

I’ve reserved the number 7 slot for the wicket-keeper, looking at their records irrespective of what position they actually batted.

I desperately wanted an Akmal brother to win it. Adnan couldn’t bat, and Kamran couldn’t catch. Between them, they could have filled the role, but this isn’t some kind of crazy science fiction style Worst XI. We have to look a little bit harder to find a single player who can fulfill the role.

Matt Prior made 35 runs in his final Test. His 36 byes gave him a net contribution of minus 1. That’s pretty special, but not special enough.

In the end, it’s what you do on the biggest stage that counts. Jonny Bairstow’s (Eng) Ashes performances in 2013/14 are hard to overlook. Although he played only two Tests as keeper, he only lasted 98 balls for his four innings and moved like he was wearing concrete slippers. He also let through 10 byes. He also forgot to wear sunscreen, ensuring his ginger hair was matched by his cherry red face.

There were 754 eligible bowlers to choose from.

Of note is the fact that Alastair Cook has the best bowling average of any player since 2000 with 1 wicket at 7.00.

Darren Pattinson, VikramSingh and Shaun Tait have protested their failure to be selected in this team. So did Henry Olonga and Lonwabo Tsotsobe. In the case of the Zimbabwean, he thought his Test strike rate of 96.6 was surely good enough. It wasn’t.

Unlucky Pankaj Singh probably could have qualified on stats alone, but he looked like he was trying so is ineligible. So too is Ishant Sharma on the basis he bowled India to a Test win at Lord’s.

In the end, the paceattack is headed by Anwar Hossain Monir (Ban). He makes the team on the basis that no one has bowled more overs without taking a wicket. 58 overs of nothingness.

Mohammad Sami (Pak) takes the new ball into the wind. His 85 wickets should be commended. His average of 52.74 at a strike rate of almost 90 makes you query whether his uncle was a selector?

You can’t have Sami without Daren Powell (WI). Their records are earily similar. He also has 85 wickets at 47.85 and a SR of 83.

Finally the spinner.

Imran Tahir comes up in conversation. Who else took 0/260 in a Test match? No one. That’s who.

Kevin Pietersen was saved by his batting. His off-spinners leaked at over 88 runs per wicket and at a strike rate over 130. That he was allowed to bowl over 1300 balls in Test match cricket is one of life’s great mysteries. England also gave us Borthwick and Kerrigan.

However, Mohammed Naeem Islam (Ban) is our spinner. His Test match bowling average of 303.00, combined with a strike rate of 574.00 makes him the stand out tweaker of his generation.

This was a fun exercise — albeit somewhat painful for me, a Kiwi supporter, to read. To be fair to Craig Cumming, in his 3rd-to-last test, he was on 48* when he took a Dale Steyn express to the head. He retired injured, a brace shy of a half-century — and of avoiding this list!
(Another New Zealand fun fact: Billy Bowden is not only an umpire, he also appeared as an extra in Coronation Street. That’s gotta be worth something, right?)

Here’s a challenge: if the exercise doesn’t bore / disturb you too much, find a worst XI of the 2000s for every test-playing nation. You know the fans are aching for it — see, e.g., the hundreds of comments in the nomination post! We all want to relive those special memories. Those 12-extras-conceded overs and those 28-ball ducks that had us wondering why we were following this match on the other side of the planet at 3:38 in the bloody morning!

As an Indian, I am positively hurt there’s no Indian in either the line-up or in the commentators’ box. I mean come on, here’s a team that’s lost a gazillion games playing away from home and you couldn’t find one? Is it to do with the fact that you are no longer scared because N Srinivasan is no longer at the helm?

Disappointed that Ravi Shastri, Danny Morrison and Dean Jones missed out on the commentary positions, but I guess Danny’s quite good on the radio. I’d say Warne for comms, but something about Shane Warne’s voice just irritates me and I reach for the mute quickly enough that I haven’t really listened to much.