Wednesday, June 18, 2003

And if it's your third offense, you'll have to spend a night in jail. And in jail, guards and inmates all agree on one thing: Praying Mantis killers should perform fellatio on people.

And so when you go to jail, word spreads real fast that you're there because you killed a praying mantis and you're only there for one night. And everyone in jail thinks to themselves, "We've got to teach this guy a lesson. Let's make him perform oral sex on us." So they all wait until after chow* and then they work really hard masturbating to thoughts of beautiful women in order to attain erections. And then they all pile into your cell and close their eyes tight so they can pretend that they're receiving fellatio from a beautiful young woman, perhaps a celebrity, instead of a man, because that's gay and they'd probably all throw up if they had to actually see another man with his mouth on their genitals.

Some of them are so disgusted that they really do start to throw up. They're the ones who pull their penises out of your mouth before you've brought them to orgasm, and they throw themselves against the wall of your cell screaming "Dear God I can't go through with it! It's just too horrible, homosexual relations I mean." And then the other inmates slap their faces and scream, "Do you think we like it? Of course we'd like to throw up until we're gray! But this guy is a Praying Mantis killer. And we have to let him know that if you kill a Praying Mantis, you'll have to swallow the ejaculate of an entire cell block. How else will he learn?!"

And so you don't even get to hang onto that glimmer of relief you feel when a guy gets out of line and you think, "Awesome, that's one person who's sperm I don't have to feel splattered all over my lips and teeth and dripping down my throat." Because he just gets right back into line, except now he'll take a lot longer to come. You really shouldn't kill Praying Mantises.