Archive for December, 2007

…I could choose to write about today. Like the fact that over the past few days I have completed a mini album….a Faithbook…and I LOVE it. I actually can’t believe I made it myself. If you’d like to see it, take a look here:

But I don’t think I’ll ramble on about how creative I am feeling right now. Instead, as is par for this time of year, I will indulge the whole “resolutions” thing. I HAVE NEVER MADE A NEW YEARS RESOLUTION. There, I said it. For those of you who need to gasp, gasp. But I have never done it. I guess I don’t see the whole hoopla about a new year and new year’s eve, etc. Why does anything change because the year does? It doesn’t change from March to April or from Tuesday to Wednesday, so why such a big deal from 2007 to 2008?

But then I started thinking. Maybe I have never set a resolution because I have never really allowed big dreaming in my life. I’m pretty pragmatic by nature so dreaming doesn’t always play into the equation for me (though I am trying to change that a bit). Then again, maybe I’ve never set a resolution because all you ever hear is that people fail at them and I have NEVER been one to set myself up for failure. So, I think that this year I am going to turn the whole thing upside down and then participate in it. I am going to write down my Hopes. The Bible tells us that “hope does not disappoint”. I also recently purchased a picture and it says: “hope is one of my favorite emotions because of it’s humility. It’s not like gladness or joy which stick around just for the good stuff. Hope is my heart’s missionary. It humbly seeks fear and shame and hurt and befriends them. Hope enters the very dusitest parts of my heart, cleans out the cobwebs, and whispers of the promise of eternal perfection…”

So here is my Hopes List for 2008:

I hope my husband will find true happiness again in his job.

I hope my daughter will find a friend that loves her as much as she loves her friend.

I hope you have found yourself having a wonderful Christmas. I have so much I could write about our’s but I will wait until I can really sit down, think and do it with pictures! For now, know that I am hoping you enjoyed all the day had to offer. May the peace of our Lord, Jesus Christ, be with you always.

…but where? I remember when the boys were really little; one day they were playing at home with friends and I was making dinner. I remember wondering when I, the youngest of three girls, became the most responsible person in the house. It was strange to realize that there were so many relying on my discernment and guidance and yet it just happened without my really noticing. I wasn’t sure how that happened. Now I find myself in another quandry of not knowing where the time is going. I know I’ve participated in every minute of it, but where did it go?

All of the sudden I am looking at this boy, eye-to-eye who has feet bigger than mine. He has attitudes that I have never seen before and I notice subtle changes in his body almost every day. He dashes out the door at every opportunity to be with friends and experience new things. I am grateful that he has an unabandoned confidence to do this and yet I can feel the ripping and it is so bittersweet. I see him struggling with wanting his mom and yet somehow knowing that it is time to spread his wings a little. How can I be so happy for him and yet so sad all at the same time? Motherhood, huh?

I am facing the very real realization that I have him home full-time for about 6 1/2 more years. It’s exciting to see what he has yet to grow into and I look forward to that. But I want to try and remember each of these days and moments the same way I remember nursing him and rocking him and sending him off to his first day of kindergarten. So I’m not really sure what the purpose of this post is except maybe to encourage those of you who still have the very little ones that it isn’t ALL about them being so little. As they grow there are still so many things to discover about them and so many ways they still need you. I guess it is also to prepare you that the bittersweet feeling of them growing up doesn’t go away because they’re “older”.

Here is a few layout I did on Powell in the past six months. I guess this is my little way of honoring the boy-man he is becoming.

..my head, my thoughts, the speed at which they race through. I think that if I were to just open my mouth and let the stream of conciousness out, people would run screaming like they do in the old Godzilla movies. I’ll give you just a few examples:

why is my head so full of stuff that I take at least 15 – 30 minutes every night to fall asleep and yet Tim can fall asleep, fast & deep sleep, in the time it takes me to brush my teeth?

how do working moms do it? My house needs to be cleaned, the laundry needs to get finished, the stockings still aren’t up, I need to go grocery shopping, I need to wrap gifts, mail gifts, get gas, do some holiday baking and change all the sheets (that is the short list).

wow…what a weekend

I hope David is going to be ok today. I found out my cousin’s husband has testicular cancer. He found out Friday and they’re doing surgery today. We met them in Nashville yesterday and spent four hours talking and explaining and talking. I wish we lived closer. (Pray, people.)

gingerbread houses are over for the year. I didn’t make one this year or last year (I wish I had of); there just wasn’t time because I was busy making icing and helping others. But the others this year were nice; we had a good day: Why didn’t I get better pictures? Oh, thats because I was so busy making icing and cakes for the Life Net party at church. I can’t believe the coconut broke and I didn’t have enough coconut milk to make the coconut cake. Oh well, I don’t think anybody knew I was going to; the cupcakes were fine. The chocolate cake was good, I just wish the ganache didn’t burn the first time. Poor Kaitlynn, she felt terrible about that. Oh well, the cake looked pretty and it tasted good.

Man the circles under my eyes are dark lately.

Kaitlynn had fun making those ornaments yesterday. I hope she isn’t too bossy when her friends come over to do it on Saturday.

I can’t forget Alden has to go to the dentist at noon.

Man my feet are cold.

Keturah is snoring; I hope she can breathe ok.

Gretchen is completely MIA lately. I hope she’s ok.

ugh….the Christmas party for Tim’s work is tomorrow night.

I wish the Scrap Etc. event was in January so Tricia would be here sooner.

I hope Alden is able to work things out with Matthew today.

See? That is merely 5 minutes worth of thoughts; without even really thinking about it. Is it me or is that scary? Why don’t you make me feel better : what’s on your mind?

…the halls that is. I was having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. It just seemed like it wasn’t really time, what with seeing the stuff since before Halloween it became kind of second nature. Crazy retailers. Anyway, last Thursday night Kaitlynn came home from her weekly art class with the trick. It was this:

I tell you, that was all I needed. I just LOVE this little guy. The boys did some angels and snowmen when they were younger and this guy has been the perfect addition to that collection. Anyway, it made me ready to deck the halls! The next night we all went and got our tree (not so festive as we chose to go to Lowe’s because they’re a good $40 cheaper there) and set it up to let the branches “fall”. Then I woke up the next morning; it was a day of decorating and light-hanging and havin’ a ball.

That evening we all decorated the tree and then sat and watched “Grinch”, “Rudolph” and “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”. Loved it. Perfect start to the season….and in MY time, not the retailers! Here are some pictures of the decking:

Now, if you are having a hard time getting in the festive mood, may I recommend some music to get you movin’ to the season? Check these out (if I could have given you a direct link or a video/audio I would have, just not that savvy yet):

A few days ago I knew exactly what I was going to blog about for this entry; took the picture and everything. But I think that is going to have to wait until next time because today there is something else running through my mind. But before you read about, rest assured that I am not in a morose mood, I’ve just been doing some “new” deep thinking on an old subject.

Sometimes my mind doesn’t know where to stop when I think about the road I’ve walked with my husband. It has been so unexpected and frightening and exilirating and tiring and calm and hard and great (though not all at the same time). Today was another infusion day for Tim. As I was setting everything up and counting my syringes, warming up the meds to room temperature, wrestling with the IV pole….I remember thinking: “Jill, when did you become so comfortable with all of this? This is crazy, wives don’t do this.”

But they do. I do. Somehow when we say that, “I do”, we don’t realize what we’re agreeing to. I remember standing there, looking at Tim and repeating all the words and meaning each one of them. But I had no idea. I had no idea what lay ahead and no idea how it would challenge me. I think I still process it bit by bit as my psyche allows me to. Because seriously, when you’ve been married two years, have an infant son and your husband is diagnosed with luekemia which you go onto fight for 6 1/2 years….it kind of leaves you with a lot to deal with mentally. Like mourning the loss of all that “should” have been i.e., husbands who can help out around the house, enjoying your babies without thinking about if their daddy will be there to raise them with you, living a normal young adult life.

And yet there is peace. I have worked through so much of what needed to be worked through. I have seen God deliver my husband from certain death. I have seen my marriage flourish and grow into something it never could have been without the devastation of cancer. I have walked out my faith, taught it to my children and allowed it to change me. I think now the “new deep thought” on this old subject is that I’m really proud of us. I’m proud that we’ve walked through so much and we’ve made it out together; genuinely loving one another. I like the unspoken knowledge we have of one another that no one else in the world will ever know; I feel like we’ve seen each other through God’s eyes and the picture is so pure and so true and so accepting that there is no need for words.

(sigh) I could choose to focus on the fact that Tim still needs infusions every 6-8 weeks for some unknown condition his body seems to have as a result of all his chemotherapy….yet there is peace. It doesn’t leave me, it’s a gift I’ve been given; it’s mine. I don’t believe that the God I serve and adore delivered Tim from leukemia so he could continue to suffer. I fully expect Him to deliver us from this as well and I fully expect to find more treasures once this chapter ends. But until then, I will hold onto my peace because it allows me to take on the challenge and hook up that IV and do what I need to do to take care of my husband better than I ever thought I could.

…because as Tim and I were shopping for a new porch Christmas decoration yesterday (yes, I had him in the store and he was actually contributing and happy to be there) I said, “I think this would be really cute with popcorn strung on it; oh and little red berries. The kids would love doing that with us tonight. (light bulb moment) Oh, I hope the raccoons or a fox don’t eat it off.”

Ahhh….yes, it was a LOVELY theory….uh, idea. In reality, it went something more like this:

Here is one of the children that is supposed to be stringing popcorn.

Here is who actually strung popcorn, actually stringing it as the photo was taken.

Here is the dog who was trying to eat the popcorn as it was being strung causing much frustration for the husband who tried to hang in there and string popcorn (yes, she is actually gazing adoringly at the popcorn in this photo).

So we stopped 3/4 of the way done and went to dinner. I had a thought at dinner: “is the popcorn safe?” I thought, just relax, enjoy this dinner out with your family, you put it up high and in the middle so no edges are exposed and it’s high. (sigh)

This morning when I went to put it all together on the new trees for the front porch there was just a bowl of unstrung popcorn and a bunch of corn husks all over the immediate area (yes, even the needle was gone which would ordinarily really worry me but I was a little too awestruck at the acrobatics it must have taken a four-legged creature to get to it in the first place), I knew it was one of these dogs (don’t they look like they’ve been up to no-good?):

Now I’m not one for pointing fingers but if you made me choose just one…

I’m just saying.

So, my cute little popcorn stringing was not to be done. If the dogs didn’t get it the fox or the raccoons or some other critter probably would have, in the end, they probably saved the whole darned trees. This is what I ended up with…not as cute as popcorn but it’ll do. Oh, and I found half the needle on the ground a few hours later…