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Neurodiversity Awareness/Appreciation

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Week On My Own

Hi everyone! I wasn't supposed to blog about this earlier, in case burglars and murderers read this blog, but my parents have been on vacation in Arizona all week, so I've been running the house. This is not a big deal for most people who already have their own houses. But for me, it was a good experience to go back to living like a "grown-up" for a while and being in charge of everything around the house. It was also a good experience for me to see that I don't freak out anymore when I am alone, the way I used to. When I was younger I couldn't even be on a floor of the house by myself without feeling panicky! There was one time a few years ago when my parents went on this exact same week-long trip, and I freaked out and cried just about every day because I hated being alone so much. But that was when I was off my medicine. It just proves that medicine really can be necessary for some people!

(Yes, I have lived outside of my parents' house most of the time since I was 18, but I was never completely alone... I had roommates a lot or random people who crashed at my house. Plus being alone in an apartment doesn't feel as freaky as being alone in a house, because you can still feel people around you, even if they aren't in your specific place.)

One thing that I am proud of is that, instead of living on TV dinners or sandwiches like I usually tend to do when I am on my own, I actually cooked myself dinner every day. I am going to post some of the recipes I found, later on in the week. I am trying to go back to being a vegetarian, so I made vegetarian food every day.

Last night I went with my women's Meetup group to Panera Bread for a game night. There was just five of us, and we played Cards Against Humanity. I had never played it before, although I'd heard of it a lot! It is a lot like Apples To Apples... except R-rated! I had a lot of fun. I am getting good at working past my anxiety and actually making myself go out and do things... I just tell myself, if I am not having fun, I can just fake like I got a text, and make an excuse to leave.

I often do still feel uncomfortable with the group. I don't know the people very well yet, especially since it tends to be different people coming every time. And I still feel really awkward and like I am making some sort of social blunders... like sometimes I will say something and everyone will exchange confused glances, or I'll say something and nobody will seem to hear me, or sometimes I'll be in the middle of saying something and somebody will just interrupt me to change the subject. So then I'm like, "I need to make sure I don't get too comfortable, because the more comfortable I get, the more stupid things I say and do. If I am anxious, I will watch myself more and blend in more." But that kind of sucks. So, I don't know.

In other news, today I went and saw my friend who is a horse, Brownie! Julie (my equine therapist) was out of town or something this weekend, but she had said I could go there myself and hang out with Brownie. So I did! This was another thing that was a good experience for me, to go to the barn place on my own without feeling really nervous and awkward. But I actually didn't feel too nervous when I got there... I just walked in, petted the dogs for a while, put my stuff in the club room, and went to Brownie's stall. I brought her an apple and a carrot. I fed her the apple and the carrot, and then hung out and petted her for a while. Then I had to hurry home and start cleaning the house, because my parents were coming home tonight!

Here is a selfie I took with Brownie. The reason I am sort of frowning was because I had tried to take, like, eleven other pictures, but because my hand shakes a little sometimes, they turned out blurry. So I was focusing on being as still as I could.

Here is another, un-alienized picture of Brownie, that Julie sent to me a while ago.

If you wonder why she is in the same posture in both pictures, it is because she is eating in both pictures. She eats a lot. I learned that horses would eat 24/7 if they could! She pretty much ate the whole time I was there. She ate the apple and carrots I gave her, and then she tried to stick her nose in my pocket to see if I was hiding any more food! Horses have these two things at the end of their muzzle, which I guess is sort of their lip, but it is kind of like two big lumps that are always moving when the horse is trying to feel something.

That is really all the news I have today. I am now on my spring break from work. Also, my long-term subbing job has probably ended, although it may go on a little longer if the lady I'm subbing for is not up to returning to work after this week. If she does go back, I'll have to go back to getting random subbing jobs here and there. I will really miss the kids I was with... they were awesome! I can't wait until I have my own classroom of kids and don't have to leave them, except at the end of the school year.

OK. This post is done I guess. Um... what's new with you?

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