Stan Van Gundy Fired By The Orlando Magic, As Dwight Howard Sits Back In His Leather Chair Somewhere And Says “Excellent”

As expected, Stan Van Gundy won’t be coaching the Orlando Magic next season. The team announced that the mustachioed Diet Coke indulger and awkward bro hug aficionado has been relieved of his duties. General manager Otis Smith is also getting axed.

“On behalf of the DeVos Family, we sincerely appreciate and thank Otis and Stan for all that they have done on and off the floor for the Orlando Magic,” said Martins. “These are the days you dread in this business, but we feel it’s time for new leadership and new voices.”

Van Gundy’s relationship with star center Dwight Howard deteriorated this season, with rumors of locker room discord evolving into legitimate reports that Howard was actively conspiring against Van Gundy and Smith. Howard holds more sway with Magic ownership than a normal player, because he’s the best big man on the planet, is one of the most marketable faces in the league, and might be leaving town soon. The firing of Van Gundy and Smith wasn’t a matter of “if,” but “when.”