Tuesday, April 14, 2009

10 Years Ago, Day 2

The morning was quite normal... just like any other morning, except for the fact I had a doctor's appointment. We were promptly greeted by the best nurse and receptionist ever... Julie and Shelly (I think that was their names). Julie was the doctor's wife and both her and Shelly were just so nice and so peppy. They always made you feel welcomed, and like family.

We did the usual... weight, blood pressure, etc... then I was sent back to the exam room. It wasn't unusual to have to wait a good bit of time for Dr. Goodin. Just like his name says, he was good. He was happy and chatty and sincerely cared about you and your family. My aunt recommended him to me... he had delivered both her babies. He would end up being there for me for two more pregnancies, but only making it to deliver one.

My memories get fuzzy from here... I don't know how long we waited, or what we talked about, or even the mood in the room. I only assume it was a normal mood. We were getting ready to hear our daughter's heartbeat again and be sent on our way. The mood soon changed from normal to worried.

After the doctor measured my belly, he searched for the heartbeat. He couldn't find it. He was calm. I was pretending to be. He joked that she was probably just hiding, but to be on the safe side he would send me over for an ultrasound. It wasn't for another hour or so, so we had some time.

I don't remember talking much... I remember driving over to the Sylvania Ultrasound clinic but not wanting to stop. I hadn't eaten all day and thought I was hungry. Turns out I was just procrastinating. I couldn't take but two bites of my chicken sandwich from Burger King. My almost daily craving.

My heart was heavy as we walked into the clinic. I felt like the only person in the room. We were immediately ushered back to the dark ultrasound room. I was scared. The table felt unusually cold as did the ultrasound tech. She went straight to business with the warm gel and ultrasound wand. She barely said two words to us the entire time. I know they aren't really supposed to but knowing that she was looking for no heartbeat, she could have been a little nicer. She rolled the wand over my belly and there appeared our little girl on the screen. She wasn't moving. There was no heartbeat. "It appears she has been dead about 10 days." she finally says. My head could not wrap itself around that information.

How could I not know? 10 days is a long time and being so far along, you would think I would have noticed a change in movements, or lack there-of. My mind backtracked 10 days... what happened 10 days ago? And it hit me... that was the day I had that mystery pain in my side. Maybe it was a coincidence, maybe it was a sign, or maybe it was my baby telling me she was in distress. The pain only lasted a few seconds as I reached for something then I brushed it off as a pulled/stretched muscle. I will never erase that day from my memory. Reaching from the bed to the floor to get a pair of pants... calling my fiance' but telling him not to come home from work, I would be fine. I was now in shock and would be for well over a week.

My doctor scheduled me to be induced the following day at 10am. I would have to deliver my stillborn daughter and I do not think that thought ever crossed my mind. I was still stuck 10 days in the past as we went about our day taking care of some things. We had to go to the school and let our teachers know what was going on. Mr. Gwin was a real jerk about the whole thing, making rude comments even after finding out we just lost our baby... our baby that was still inside me. I am surprised my fiance' didn't deck him... I know he wanted to.

That evening we went to the bowling alley where my mom and aunt bowled on Wednesday nights. The pizza there made me nauseous. I couldn't stand to look at all that grease. I don't even know why we were there. I think we were waiting before going to the hospital to see my grandma.

She didn't look like herself. She was pale, attached to multiple tubes and frail. I stood watching her from the doorway. I listened as my dad and my aunt and everyone else said their goodbyes. I just watched. She had been holding on for so long and seeing her for the first (and last) time in the hospital, I think is what she was waiting for. She also had a baby angel to wait for.

I didn't cry. There wasn't enough energy for that. I don't remember leaving the hospital. I don't remember sleeping... but I know I did.

5 comments:

Oh, Bri. I've known about your angel but hadn't heard the story. I know that 10 years and five healthy children later, you still miss your little girl deeply. Writing is a way to honor her, and I'm glad you're doing it.

Bri...you're such a good mom and a strong woman! I'm so sorry that you had to go through this :( but I'm glad that you are writing about your daughter to share her story. I'm sure she holds a very special place in your heart.

Bri there isn't anything that I can write to express how sorry I am for the sadness I know you felt then and still feel now. Just know that it wasn't her time and that instead she was granted the gift of watching over you everyday. Your very own sweet Angel! Hugs and you know I'm here if you ever need to talk/cry/scream - I can listen to it all sweetie!

About Me

I'm Bri, a 30ish year old mom to 5 wild and crazy kids and one beautiful angel baby. I'm also the wife of a soldier with a Shepherd/Rottie mix living on the Island of Oahu. Am I crazy? Stay tuned to find out!