Saturday, June 09, 2007

Today is day 30 of my cycle. Ladies I NEVER go that long. Okay there have been a couple of months. So I wasn't going to test but I couldn't help myself. I was full of hope. All month I haven't even thought about being pregnant. I barely tried. I would check my chart once in a blue moon and then move on. NO HOPE! I just didn't care. I am trying to enjoy where I am.

BUT it all started yesterday. I was expecting my cycle to start. NOPE it didn't happen. I was shocked. I went to bed thinking about being pregnant. Thinking, WOW it would be a miracle. It must be all the dang vitamins and what not that I am on. It must be doing the deed twice in one day. That just doesn't happen. I try to stay grounded but I wake up early consumed by it. AF still isn't here. I even got like 5 emails in the past couple of weeks telling friends to pray for me or whatever. I thought, "It must be for my baby." NOPE it must be for me getting the freaking B**ch!

I go to a 1 year birthday party FULL OF HOPE! I am even wearing the necklace. I had checked when I would be due before I left the house. I had sworn to never do that again. I am so full of hope by the time that I leave the party, I stop and buy I f'ing test!

Big FREAKING FAT NEGATIVE!

I AM DONE!

I will not even mark on my chart when AF shows anymore. I will mark it down somewhere to remember the date but no more counting days or weeks. This summer is about me. I will enjoy my freedom and life to the max. Screw trying to get pregnant. I am over it this month!

Can you tell I am so done with all this sh*t? There, I said it! My favorite word!

If you are truly ready to just let it happen, thats when it will happen. I tried for 6 years. I tried NOT to try for 6 years. I hated "doing it" after 6 years until I finally threw away all charts, thermometers, poking prodding things, stopped planning sex, and just let it go. I thought getting preggers would never happen. I saw teenage kids popping out one after the other and just couldn't get my head around life and what the hell was wrong with me if these children could have children, where was mine? And when I did get pregnant I never really believed it, it took a looooooooong time to sink in. And after a miscarriage 6 years earlier I was over the top cautious but eventually, when the time was right, she was here. Your time WILL come. We were at the point of going through all the tests with our doctors to see which one of us was to blame (how terrible to think like that!!) and we were getting a letter written by our doctor referring us to a specialist and boom, I got to call and say no need for the letter. The nurse actually said "You'd be amazed at how often that happens!" Right when we were ready to let it all go, we had done all we could now we were letting the medical world step in and figure out our mystery, right when we had freed ourselves of the duty of getting pregnant or finding out why we weren't getting pregnant, life stepped in and said you're ready, and we got pregnant.

So I hope, for your sanity and happiness, as I know what negative tests feel like and the arrival of AF when you are 7 frikkin days late feels like, that you are truly ready to let it go. I finally did and I got my miracle. 6 years in the making, and I enjoy every whiny little temper tantrum my now 4 year old has because I remember what it took to get her.

Best of luck in your letting go, enjoy your partner and get back to it being fun rather than a timed scheduled appointment for intimacy. It works better that way, trust me.CM