Choice events in the city this week

It’s time to pull out your sleeveless plaid shirts, put on your boots, grab a saddle tramp and get your hoe down. Timberline dance lessons are back! Every Thursday all you have to do is show up and they’ll teach you the moves so well that you’ll feel like the belle of the ball. Square dancing, line dancing, even the Do-Si-Do — they teach it all. No partner, no problem, there is always a spare buck or filly for you to saddle up and take for a ride.

I can see myself using this phrase a lot on quite a few irritating friends. “Bye Felicia” is a goodbye given to any unwanted, irritating or disliked, person, place, thing or trick. The perfect dismissal to all the negativity in your life. Come to this new party with attitude hosted by drag diva Berlin and special guest Alma B Itches. DJs Derek Pavone, G-Luve and the ever cuddly Mr Cox will have you dancing all your troubles away.

I don’t think my latest trick of penis puppetry will get me in the door for this, but it may be worth a try. Many will perform but only one will be chosen as the 44th Imperial House of Diamond Divas and the DMS bring you this entertaining competition. The winner will perform at Coronation 45 and will get bragging rights for the next year, plus look at all the new groupies you will have. Judges and audience members both get to vote, so get your game face on, girl.

Tonight seems to be a night of performances — who says Vancouver is no fun? This event is hosted by my favourite drag queen, Conni Smudge (because when that bitch is in heels she’s the only queen I can see eye to eye with), to celebrate the city’s dance community. Don’t worry: Conni won’t be dancing.

This new fundraising event brought to you by Positive Living BC will feature a runway show of the city’s finest dancers, models, actors, fashion designers, hair and makeup artists, as they unite to support people living with HIV. Although yours truly was not asked to appear (unlike my nemesis Barb Snelgrove, whom I strive to emulate), I will be in the crowd enjoying the show as Red takes us on a 90-minute theatrical journey through the lives of people living with HIV/AIDS. Be a part of this inaugural event and show your support. Show followed by dancing, with DJ Adam Dreaddy.

6:30pm–2am. The Commodore Ballroom, 868 Granville St. Tickets, $60, and program highlights at redvancouver.ca.

Singing Can Be A Drag

Once puberty hit, my balls dropped and my singing days were over. But the guys in the Vancouver Men’s Chorus seem to be able to hit even the high notes and yes, I am a bit jealous. Their shows are always entertaining and this is one of the best. Bill Monroe hosts an evening of live singing with female-impersonating musical entertainment performed by VMC’s own inner-diva starlets. “Viewers may be exposed to wardrobe malfunctions, flying sequins, improvised lyrics, mixing of fabric patterns, polyester blends, gender-questioning sexual urges, infectious camp and other spontaneously occurring unscripted performance phenomenon.”

I think I had an awesome time at the last one of these meetings. I woke up sore and not entirely in my own bed, so let’s take that as a yes. This is the winter edition of a night that mixes queers and craft beer — trust me, it works. As an added bonus tonight, stay and enjoy Man Up’s Amateur Hour, the all-levels queer variety show, at no extra charge.

The Latinos at this party tend to be a horny bunch; not that I’m complaining but the men are all so hot it’s hard to keep up. I’m like a kid in a candy store: oh, I’ll take him, no him, no that one, wait, oh hell let’s all go. Join Babette Co-Taylor, Estee Lauder and many more for a night you won’t forget.

There really is a butt plug shaped like a puppy tail. Yes it does stay in, unless you sneeze (don’t ask). Now you can learn all the nuances and fulfil your desire to be a puppy at a fun workshop by International Puppy 2015, Pup Figaro. Everything you always wanted to know but were afraid to ask. Release your inner pup.

Can you imagine how many personalities are rambling around in Ryan Steele and Amy Goodmurphy’s heads? Two of the most talented comedians in the city perform tonight as part of the JFL Northwest Festival. You’ll laugh so hard you’ll need a Depends. Ryan sells them out back.

If I were African-American, short, female and had an afro, I might pass for Wanda Sykes. I will have to settle for just having the same sarcastic, sly sense of humour. See her tonight as part of the JFL Northwest Festival, sure to be one of the highlights. (And read our interview with her.)