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2010 started for me on a low, my grandparents were in Australia, I didn’t sleep and I lived off crisps and nothing more thanks to the kind people at Walkers Twitter HQ. In February I took a stand and joined Slimming World and whilst everyone thought oh here she goes again, 7 stone later I proved them wrong. I got the all clear to go without steroids after my op, I got splints for my wrists and I made a start. I started to grow closer to a friend I had pushed away and I finished my A levels. I went to Zante and I enjoyed the sun. I learnt to trust men again and I now have the bestest friend in the world. He moved to Leeds and helped to rebuild bits of me that were lost long ago.I’m now happy to have my photograph taken when before I was ashamed of who I was. I found the courage to go back into work albeit as a christmas temp but it was a positive step. Sure 2010 threw some real shit at me, but it gave me some wonderful things too. Here is to another amazing 12 months x

Friday, 31 December 2010

That it doesn’t hurt to know that I am not enough. To know that try as I might I will never give you all the happiness and smiles that you deserve.

I won’t pretend it doesn’t hurt to know you are in inner turmoil.

I won’t pretend that I don’t struggle to say make your own mind up instead of screaming ‘pick me’

But I don’t need to pretend that I will always be here, I can say that with certainty and with passion and with love. Times have been hard, times have been shit but they brought me to a new place and I wouldn’t swap that place for a million pounds. It might not always be happy and smiles it might even involve tears at times, but I know that having you as my friend was worth all the battles and trouble in the end.

Posted by
Ikkle87

Sunday, 26 December 2010

It was my last day at Clinton’s today, having spent the last 3 years convincing myself that I didn’t want to work, that I couldn’t work because of my back, I have shocked myself, because I absolutely loved working again, it was something fresh and new and enjoyable and I am going to miss it. It gave me routine and a reason to get up and out of the house but it also allowed me to be me, and be bubbly and chatty and to have a giggle .

After work I went to my Uncle’s Wake. I didn’t attend the funeral, I haven’t quite decided yet whether that makes me a bad person or not but I know that I am not strong enough for that, and that it would cause me turmoil in the long run. I still wanted to show my respects so I sent some flowers and attended the wake, it was lovely to catch up with family who I haven’t seen for a while. Even if my mum was drunk and my cousin Kim cried and my nan cried too. I can handle most things but seeing my nan cry breaks my heart every time. I have never been to a wake before and whilst I expected the tears I didn’t expect the laughter that came as we talked about my uncles rubbish driving and how journeys with him were like white knuckle terror rides. It stopped as soon as we were all in our cars, most people know I am a spiritualist and I really do feel like it was a sign of him saying goodbye.

I am home now feeling just empty. On an opposite to the emotion I have also been given a job interview at Sainsbury’s in the new year, i didn’t answer the call but the guy left a voicemail, I suppose that’s a positive. .

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

To start with today is day one of the spa trip that I won. After a few issues with the trains we finally made it to Champneys Springs and were given a tour of the building shown to our room before our first treatment. The water is full of minerals and salts and then jets work on problem areas of your body such as stomach and thighs, to break down the toxins. It felt amazing although I am a water baby anyway and love to be in the pool.

We then went for our evening meal in the restaurant. Starter was Plaice and Salmon roulade with king prawns and lemon with herb dressing. Main meal was sliced chicken breast on a bed of basil mash with baby corn and red wine jus. Pudding was apple and berry crumble with a vanilla cream sauce. All was lovely.

I am now laid in bed feeling tired, lonely and a little bit down in the dumps. Some of you remember a few weeks ago my uncle had a stroke, things were looking up and whilst he still had no feeling and mobility he was alert and talking and happy and joking. Things however took a turn for the worse last night when he had another major stroke. The doctors have now decided to withdraw any medical treatment and we have been told he will not make it through the weekend. He is an amazing man who I am proud to have had in my life, its just so hard to try and enjoy myself when I know that when I get back home he may not be there anymore x

Posted by
Ikkle87

Friday, 10 December 2010

We'll wait in line For most our lives Get out get in Get on with it We always hurt the ones we never really loved We always think we're all alone we're always Broke We're always broke The words we say take different shapes We'll live and die with all the things we recognize We'll count our sins Stop now begin We know the words are better left unspoken When they'll be right in To tear the heads off of us The words we say Take different shapes And you can only do so much To try to get your point across I'll live and die with all the things i recognize I'll count my sins Stop now begin

Posted by
Ikkle87

Thursday, 9 December 2010

I should be much too smart for this You know it gets the better of me Sometimes, when you and I collide I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time Don't let me drown, let me down I say it's all because of you And here I go, losing my control I'm practicing your name So I can say it to your face It doesn't seem right to look you in the eye Let all the things you mean to me Come tumbling out my mouth Indeed it's time to tell you why I say it's infinitely true Say you'll stay, don't Come and go like you do Sway my way, yeah I need to know all about you And there's no cure and no way to be sure Why everything's turned inside out Instilling so much doubt It makes me so tired, I feel so uninspired My head is battling with my heart My logic has been torn apart And now it all turns sour Come sweeten every afternoon

Posted by
Ikkle87

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

I have come to the firm conclusion that some people I know are just selfish, not just a little selfish but selfish to the core. Incapable of thinking about anyone or anything but themselves. Forgetting completely that the world doesn’t revolve around them and actually exists past the end of their nose.

This is a bit of a rant but meh, what the hell. Take a look around yourself and tell me what you see? Do you see the blessing in the fact you have your health and that your family are all well and healthy. What about the fact you have a family to even care about? Don’t take for granted what you have because it sadly won’t always be around.

Be thankful for your health. Be thankful for your family. Be thankful for your children. Be thankful your alive!

Be thankful that life gave you the opportunities to have what you have. Don’t throw them away like they mean nothing because there are people who would kill for half the chance to have a family or be fully healthy, me included.

Lastly. GET A FUCKING GRIP!

Posted by
Ikkle87

Monday, 6 December 2010

I am going away for a while I'll be back don't try and follow me I'll return as soon as possible See I'm tryin' to find my place It might not be here where I feel safe We all learn to make mistakes, And run from them With no direction We'll run from them With no conviction

It’s that time of the year again where my mood plummets and I get down and lonely and miserable, and where the world sucks. It’s easy to blame it on my depression, but it isn’t just depression that is to blame. I am pretty sure I have SAD (Seasonal anxiety disorder) there are so many things related to this time of year that I cannot help but dwell on them, and like ghosts they haunt me every year.

Theres the xmas of 2003 when at only just 16 my parents allowed me to drink 10 pints of lager then they left me in the pub with their friends while they went home. One of my stepdads friends offered to walk me home as I was a little worse for where, needless to say we didn’t walk towards my house but towards his, where he then tried it on. Despite me not doing anything and sharply sobering up and heading home, my mum didn’t believe me and punched me in the face, telling me I had ruined christmas. From then on I was a disappointment and labelled a slag by my step dad.

The following November I had gone to live with Ste by then. It was the first time he ever hit me and I remember it clearly, him punching me and then throwing the vacuum cleaner at me, he then told me to get out of the house and so my grandparents came to pick me up, despite the blueish tint on one side of my face, nobody knew he had hit me. A couple of weeks later I was admitted to hospital with an ovarian cyst and internal bleeding. It was then that I was told I needed my ovary and fallopian tube removed. I was 17 and heartbroken, even more so when they announced that there was extensive damage and they didn’t think I would be able to have children. I had my operation on the 1st December and because I am a stubborn cow who refuses to be ill I was discharged on the 3rd December. How strange to think that all that was 6 years ago.

Despite the fact I had only just gotten out of hospital, and despite the fact I had over 40 staples in my stomach, things didn’t ease off at home and the abuse was still just as bad. On christmas eve my Dad turned up and threw an envelope full of money at me and that was the last time I saw him until just before my 21st birthday. That was the first christmas away from my little brother and I so wanted to go spend it with him and see him open all his presents but I was told no I was not allowed, I had chosen Ste and so that was it.

Christmas in 2005 was one which was filled with tears and depression. Having lost J I was faced with the fact conceiving and carrying a child was something which was unlikely to ever happen, and instead of being heavily pregnant I was empty and hollow. The abuse from Ste still continued and at one point, despite how far apart emotionally we are my mum had to come and rescue me as Ste went beserk attacking me with garden secateurs and an axe as well as his fists. My grandparents had gone to Australia and I went to stay in their house so I could be close to Spud for christmas. At the same time I was having problems with my neighbours where they had tried to set the flat on fire, by putting a wheelie bin in front on my front door and setting it alight. I had no escape and no release and was quite possibly at the lowest I had ever been at that point.

Moving on to Christmas 2006 I had seperated from Ste and was living in a bedsit in Bradford. I was socialising a hell of a lot and drinking way too much. I won’t deny it either but not long after hitting this low I was taking pills and snorting coke as well. It’s not something I am proud of but it was one of the only ways I could cope. I was a walking time bomb and was soon likely to explode. My grandparents had again gone to Australia and this time I didn’t just stay over at their house, this time I rang up and I asked to move in permanent. I needed to be around people who cared and who could help me get myself back on track and I knew that the only people who would be able to help was my grandparents, how right I was. I spent that christmas with my mum and Dave, who as per usual got drunk and abusive, and that was one of my first mistakes. I sneaked upstairs and I rang Ste, I told him how much I missed him and 2 days later I was back with him. Our relationship was short lived as he decided to sleep with Siobhan, something which I knew about long before I think either of them did. I continued to see him and we would take drugs together and get drunk. Then I ended up in hospital with pancreatitis and was told I had 12 hours to live. That was a sobering moment which scared me half to death. Several weeks spent in hospital an operation and I had learnt my lesson and have never touched drugs since, and I never will either.

2007 I had stopped working and was faced with the prospect of having no money and no ambition. With amazing timing the debt collectors had started to chase me and I was spiralling out of control again. Self harming was becoming a regular occurrence and instead of using drugs as my choice of self abuse I used sex, I let people who I thought were friends play with my mind and use me for their own personal gain. I started spending a lot of time in Hull trying desperately to escape and yet nothing helped.

In 2008 I had regained contact with my Dad and things were finally looking up I was in college, I was studying I was getting myself back on track. It wasn’t a brilliant christmas but it was better than some of the ones I had previously had. I am not going to keep going on, this wasn’t meant as a woe is me post but as a this is me please understand. I’m not making excuses for being who I am or the way, nor am I asking for sympathy, I am just hoping that with a little insight into why I am like I am you will not judge me and will understand why when the cold sets in so does the darkness, because I don’t remember a winter where I was truly happy and I am scared that I will never experience one again.