Thursday, July 20, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Playwright Tony Kushner says he is writing a play about
“borderline psychotic” Donald Trump. Meaning Trump goes psychotic every time he
thinks about all the people getting into the U.S. by sneaking across the
Mexican border line.

Playwright Tony Kushner says he is writing a play about
“borderline psychotic” Donald Trump. To which Democrats are saying it is just
poetic license to use the term “borderline.”

A report says 5 of the 10 wealthiest counties in the U.S.
are in the Washington, D.C. Metro area. Mostly because two of those counties
are where the politicians live, the other three being home to the lobbyists.

A Florida doctor says he plans to bring the brain dead back
to life. Although that is nothing new to anyone who has ever watched more than
a few episodes of “The Kardashians.”

A Virginia man has been sentenced to 132 years for stealing
tires. The time will be broken up by spending a few years at once prison after
which he will be rotated.

A Virginia man has been sentenced to 132 years for stealing
tires. He says it has not been a Goodyear.

A Thai dog traveled all the way to the U.S. for life saving
heart surgery. Which at least gives people a clue as to what changes they can
expect when Donald Trump’s health care plan becomes law.

A Thai dog traveled all the way to the U.S. for life saving
heart surgery. His owner will take the dog back to Thailand where it will
recover and then be served as lunch.

An eight hour slow-motion film about sheep is being called
the dullest movie ever. Until now, eight hours of dull moviemaking was called
an Adam Sandler film festival.

Silicon Valley celebrities are supporting a guaranteed
minimum income for everyone. Mostly to boost Silicon Valley business by giving
them enough money to sit at home all day staring at a computer screen.

Silicon Valley celebrities are supporting a guaranteed
minimum income for everyone. Which is coming from people who say a minimum
livable wage is somewhere around $3 Million a year.

A study says Americans are having less sex than they were 20
years ago. Mostly because the people taking the survey have been married
another 20 years by now.

A study says Americans are having less sex than they were 20
years ago. Mostly because since the invention of smartphone, people can’t even
talk to each other let alone take it any further than conversation.

A five year old West Virginia boy drove his family’s car
three miles before crashing. The good news is that at least he made it two
miles farther than Lindsay Lohan.

A 97 year old Swedish woman caught fire during surgery.
Apparently the operation wasn’t going well and doctors decided to just cut out
the middle man and go with cremation.

The chief military office of France has resigned over a
dispute of funding. Apparently he was worried that an increase in spending may
mean it would have to be justified by making French soldiers actually have to
go into combat somewhere.

A group is calling for the U.N. to protect the lunar landing
sites. The question is, are they really in danger of someone actually going
there and disturbing them?

Donald Trump says Republican Senators should postpone their
summer holiday until they repeal Obamacare. To which the Senators are what
about their autumn time off for fundraising, Thanksgiving, Christmas and
January breaks?

Donald Trump says Republican Senators should postpone their
summer holiday until they repeal Obamacare. To which members of Congress are
saying “That’s what happens when people try to elect an outsider.”

The WHO says the tobacco industry is hampering efforts to
encourage people around the world to stop smoking. Imagine that. It’s the same
reason TV networks don’t want to be forced to show educational programming.

The WHO says the tobacco industry is hampering efforts to
encourage people around the world to stop smoking. That’s understandable and
the same reason you don’t see exercise posters on the walls whey you go to
McDonald’s.

The LPGA’s new dress code is sparking debate, calling for a
ban of plunging necklines, leggings and short skirts. The problem is what gets
them on the course during the day won’t get them past the club bouncer at
night.

The LPGA’s new dress code is sparking debate, calling for a
ban of plunging necklines, leggings and short skirts. Fortunately those
restrictions have not found their way yet over to the men’s tour.

The LPGA’s new dress code is sparking debate, calling for a
ban of plunging necklines, leggings and short skirts. As opposed to the old
days on the LPGA Tour when the standard outfit was jeans, boots and a plaid
wool shirt.

A report says Takata may need to recall millions of vehicles
that have already been recalled for faulty airbags. Which means they could be
facing a lawsuit for stealing the business model of GM.

A report says the Senate health care bill will result in
health insurance policies with $12,000 deductibles. Which won’t be used up
until a patient is put into the hospital and given two aspirin.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions has ordered the Justice
Department to resume asset seizures by local police even without being charged
with a crime. To which there is already criticism from the IRS who is saying
“We thought of it first!”

Colorado has already taken in a half billion dollars in
taxes and fees since pot was legalized. The only problem is the people in
charge of the marijuana industry can’t remember where they put it.

Colorado has already taken in a half billion dollars in
taxes and fees since pot was legalized. That doesn’t even come close to the
sales tax money generated by ancillary industries like pizzerias, donut shops
and cookie stores.

A study says women working in restaurants like Hooters are
more likely to have anxiety and eating disorders. The anxiety mostly comes from
the fear of their friends finding out they are working at Hooters.

A study says women working in restaurants like Hooters are
more likely to have anxiety and eating disorders. Mostly from knowing if they
eat any of the Hooters food, they will end up becoming too fat to work at
Hooters.

A poll says if Mark Zuckerberg runs for President against
Donald Trump in 2020, both would end up with 40% of the vote with 20%
undecided. Or as Trump would call those results, “a mandate from the people in
a landslide win.”

Facebook is working to charge users for news articles read
and shared over the social network. Mostly because they feel that the authors
should get paid for their work, especially since most of it falls under the
fiction genre.

United Airlines says it can beat Frontier Airlines, which is
starting a new network of routes out of Denver. United says they will win with
their new strategy of instead dragging passengers onto their planes.

Chipotle has reopened its Virginia restaurant where several
people were sickened with the norovirus. The good news is that Chipotle has
signed on to be the official food preparer on all Carnival cruise ships.

The Dodgers are soliciting sponsorship offers for naming
rights to their field but will keep the ballpark name Dodger Stadium. The most
likely is Kelly Temp Workers which appeals to fans who arrive in the third
inning and leave in the sixth.

The Dodgers are soliciting sponsorship offers for naming
rights to their field but will keep the ballpark name Dodger Stadium. That’s
like the Oakland A’s ballpark that sold sponsorship of their leaky dugouts to
Roto-Rooter.

A study says people who take care of their hearts in their
20s have better brain health in middle age. Which is good news for all three of
the people they found who actually qualified for the study.

A poll says Americans want lawmakers from both parties to
work out changes in the health care plan. They also to marry a movie star,
travel to the Moon and win $400 Million in the lottery.

A survey says 45% of Americans have smoked marijuana in the
past. The other 55% couldn’t take part in the poll because they just finished
their third bong hit of the day.

House Republican Dennis Ross of Florida says the Senate has
“failed the American people” by not repealing Obamacare. As opposed to any
other ways of failing the American people, say by taking away their health care
plan.

A survey says beer is the preferred alcoholic beverage in
the U.S., favored by 40% of the men. The other 60% would rather have ale, bock,
porter, lager…

Actress Amanda Seyfried says she took antidepressants while
she was pregnant. Apparently she wanted to get a head start and not be like
most parents who wait until the child becomes a teenager.

Emily Ratajkowski says embracing her sexuality was
empowering. Meaning that she made a ton of money the minute she started taking
off her clothes.

“Despacito” has become the most streamed song of all time.
Which means there are millions of people who want to hear it just as it doesn’t
cost them any money.

A report says four matches at Wimbledon and the French Open
were flagged for unusual betting patterns. Mostly that people were actually
willing to wager on a tennis match.

A report says four matches at Wimbledon and the French Open
were flagged for unusual betting patterns. Which apparently happened because
Serena Williams wasn’t playing and they weren’t used to wagers on any other
women.

Oscar De La Hoya says Floyd Mayweather is “not good for
boxing.” Although if the sport can survive Don King, it can pretty much make it
through anything.

Oscar De La Hoya says Floyd Mayweather is “not good for
boxing.” On the other hand, there could be a case made that boxing isn’t very
good for boxing.

Bartolo Colon is reportedly considering retirement. The
question is, how is a 44 year old pitcher with an 8.19 ERA still being paid to
take the mound in the first place?

Bartolo Colon is reportedly considering retirement. He’s 44
years old with an 8.19 ERA. That’s like saying Hillary Clinton is considering
retirement from politics.

Bartolo Colon is reportedly considering retirement. He’s 44
years old with an 8.19 ERA. That’s like saying Lindsay Lohan is considering
retiring from acting.

Hackers reportedly tried to access data from a casino
through a fish tank connected to the Internet. Apparently the fish liked horror
movies and wanted to be able to access the Discovery Channel during Shark Week.

Hackers reportedly tried to access data from a casino
through a fish tank connected to the Internet. Apparently they gave up when
they head the casino was run by mobsters but it was actually that the aquarium
was run by lobsters.

Apple reportedly wants to change the way doctors talk to
patients by giving everyone an iPad. Which is ironic in that iPads are part of
the reason people stopped talking to each other years ago.

Researchers say they may have discovered the tomb of King
Tut’s wife. Asked if it was a rare find, they said it was very Tut-Uncommon.

A report says cybercriminals can take a course on stealing
credit cards offered on the deep web for a fee of $945. The worst part is when
the people taking the course find out the first lesson is never pay for a
course like that with their Visa.

A survey of 10,000 kids and young adults 12-20 says
cyberbullying is widespread. Although the people being polled say being bullied
is far less annoying and time consuming than having to take part in an online
survey.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today marks six
months of the Donald Trump presidency. I have to give extreme thanks to the
administration for making my job so much easier. Seriously, a lot of material
just sort of falls out of the sky into my lap these days. Sometimes the worse
things get, the better they get. A door closes and a window opens. Just three
and a half more years of this and we will probably elect someone worse. Never
underestimate what the American voter is capable of doing next. All I can say
is that this country can make it through anything, and I am reassured of that when
you all remember to always keep on sending the love!