Archive for September, 2013

And so I have calmed down, after torturing my journal, blocking, blasting, destroying, erasing..I dont feel completely cleansed but much more than I have felt. My mind is still reeling on how a person can tell someone things like “you are the only one I love”, “you are my world, my true north” “we will spend the rest of our lives together””I think only of you every moment” “I cant breathe without you” HOW could someone say those things, special things, words of love and devotion..then be cruel and say “I dont want to talk to you all the time”, “If we dont speak for weeks everything is fine” “I dont have time for you”..Is it really me? Do I expect too much from someone who supposedly is going to spend the rest of her life with me? At the same time I have put up with her staying with an abusive husband in a disgusting house. I told her years ago to stay with her kids, not him. She was going to leave the kids, walk away and leave them with him. I said it wasnt right. Those kids were a part of my life and she removed them from it. She made excuses. Looking back love is so fucking blind..I loved her and was just glad she was somewhat mine. So many things, too many to go into, too many to think of because all in all it makes me look like a giant ass for believing her and every little lie along the way. The connection, the pull, the contentment I felt when with her. My thought now is now that I am away and she can fuck me, get herself off at her convenience she has less feelings, all along it never felt sexual and when it came down to it that’s what held it together. Sick. It also makes me wonder what happened when a husband and wife are separated like military or whatever, they talk, they communicate, not just once every 3 weeks and when the sex isn’t there do they just fall apart.

It is her loss. I was a wonderful person before her and if I fucking live through this without slicing myself open or banging my head against the wall I may become a good person again.

My chances are slim by far..because of him..he drags me downs, tears me up and then blames me. All in the guise of taking care of me. I wish he would throw me out. Then I could really be alone, on my own, do what I want. No her, no him..I dont need love if this is what it is like. Fucking bullshit.

Fuck her, lying, uncaring, selfish, bitch. Tell me you think of me all the time but never call. Say you dont want to call, say you dont want to talk say you are too busy, say you aren’t alone, say your phone is dead, say your phone has no service, say you fucking have no time. FUCKING EXCUSES.

You make no time, you dont fucking care and when asked directly “do you care” you are fucking silent…you silence speaks fucking volumes. I hear you. I FINALLY HEAR YOU>I have heard you but I fucking was stupid and held on, held on for too long. Destroyed my life, my marriage, my mental state, my health, Destroyed everything for you. Gave it all up for you, Yet you led me along while I was there for you, there to touch you, there to fill your needs when you needed me, always at your convenience, Never at mine. Never my needs, I believed you like a fool. I believed for too long, You prove to be a liar every fucking time you open your mouth.

You tell me you think about me every minute, yet II would ne ver know that because you dont fucking call me. When I call you you fucking are silent..SILENT..SILENT..I have to ask every question, I have to beg you to tell me anything. And out comes fucking lies. Your life is a chaotic fucking mess, unorganized, impulsive, self involved, making yourself out to be better than you are. I never cared but then you took everything I had and used it all against me. When you needed me I was there, all those mornings for years, all those times you were down I listened, I gave you my time. I gave you my love. You are a fucking cold hearted bitch and you took took took. I deprived myself of time, of self importance, I was late so many times because you needed me. Now you need no one. You shit on everyone along the way and now on top you look down. You live in fucking fear of who you think you are. You are NOT that person, you never will be, no matter how much you pray or think you someday will live you true life you are fucking lying to yourself because you are fucking afraid.

I am DONE>DONE DONE DONE> I will fucking slit my wrists and bleed to death before I fucking spend one more moment thinking about you. FUCK YOU ..I wish you all the fucking hurt and pain you have caused everyone. For what you have done to me I fucking HATE HATE HATE you. I am sorry for any love I ever showed you because you were undeserving. I am sick over the years I have lost trying to be there for you , to help you, to support you. Go FUCK YOURSELF YOU FUCKING BITCH.

A rush of shit is in my head. Granted my creativity level is high when I am at my most fucked up. Therefore I have been painting shit I actually like. But that isn’t the post at hand. I have 3 things pressing on me at the moment, well probably more but top three suck.

One is I woke up a few days ago aware of dreams I had about a girl I made friends with at 9 yrs old. Sue was tough and didn’t like me at first. We had met first when I visited friends of my Moms on the other side of the mountain. Then a few months later she moved in across the street. Right at the time I had fallen off my bike and was on crutches. There were only 4 girls our age in the rural lake area we lived in. Two were twins who were under careful eye of their foster mother. Sue and I were able to do more stuff, just us two. We were best friends and all that goes along with it, secrets, promises, and trust. We were inseparable for years. We grew up fast, drinking at bars at an early age, sneaking in and getting away with it. Having lots of boyfriends, The running joke was, she would date them, then I would..I was a year younger. We both hated high school, never went, which seemed ok with her Mom but not ok with mine. I was dragged out of her house one morning at 7am kicking and screaming because I didn’t want to get on the bus. Sue always had my back, I wasn’t so tough and she was my protector. Early teens we got into a lot of trouble, had bad reputations, and liked it that way. Through a mutual guy friend she met a much older guy and started staying at his house a lot. He was nearly 20 yrs older and at 16 that seems like grandpa age. Well, she ended up moving in with him..she moved in and out a few times but then in for good and they lived happily ever after. I went when she wanted to get married to be their witness. She had a baby girl soon after and I visited and we remained close. Her hubby didn’t like that I was still out there, single and felt I was a bad influence. He began not allowing me to see her or made me feel unwelcome. BTW, he was is and will always be a huge asshole. Eventually it became a friendship where I would only run into her when she visited her Mom in the old neighborhood. I ended up moving in with my then boyfriend, now hubby..in fact when I first met him Sue had left Rich and was home..we went to the house I would soon move into and played a prank on my boyfriend..she knocked on the door at like 3am and pretended she was with the town and was doing a survey..it was hysterical at the time. She since, moved to Florida, we lost touch until that social network breakthrough, we reconnected and had some online laughs along with another girl who was so much fun back in the day. But about 2 years ago she ‘unfriended’ both myself and the other gal. I still visited with her Mom when I went back home, she was always like my second Mom..she passed last year, there is a post here I wrote about that. It was weirdly handled, nothing like what anyone would expect. Sue wouldn’t speak to me then, I tried several times to connect just to say how sorry and heartbroken I was. No response to me or to our other friend. Then I hear through the grapevine, her brother to my sister, that Sue has cancer..is ‘loaded’ ..what does that mean, Ovarian and spread to surrounding areas..now she is young..48 yrs old. She has her beautiful daughter only 29yrs old. The last picture Is aw came with the hearsay that she was doing treatment. Then the dreams a few nights ago. I knew this was bad, I woke knowing..I sent her a message saying peace, love and thinking of you. Then today I hear from my sister..Sue has very little time left. This is not about me, I know, but I feel sick. I cannot imagine what she is going through. I think thoughts of death bring us to think about ourselves more than the person dying. My thoughts are of the fun times I had, what I felt, how it all means to me. But she was part of that, an integral part of my teen life that altered me, changed me forever..I would be different if Sue wasn’t in my life then. Does it matter that she may not know that..no, because that is on me. I only wish her peace, no pain, and dreams of a heaven where she will be reunited with her Mom, her Grandma (who was amazing) and other loved ones. This is my newest ‘top’ thought.

next thought as always my beautiful girl is always in my head, heart and soul. How is it I continue to want , believe in, dream about, wish for..someone who tells me everything I want to hear, but her actions do not follow through..she says she’ll call and doesn’t, she randomly may or may not respond to texts or emails I send. It maddens me..like to craziness. I know she is upset I moved away, but it was mental for me to live right there and have her ignore me unless she wanted or needed me..like a toy..many posts here reflect this relationship. I want to call, pick up the phone and say something anything..but it has all been said..she knows all I want is contact, which she gives me on her terms, if I need or want to talk there are excuses why she cannot and I am tired of hearing them, they hurt more than anything. It has been more than a week since I have gone off on her, letting her know I have had it. It has been two weeks since I sent an email specifically saying I am not angry just hurt, by silence and lack of respect for someone who tells me all these beautiful things lovers say but then ignores me until she needs me again. She left the last message, lighthearted, saying ‘dont be mad’ ..to call her..right, call her so she can tell me her phone is going dead, or she has to pay a bill, or someone is with her..I cant take it. So I am giving her space..she knows I am upset. I want to believe she cares but ..and but..and but…I know she lives in fear of what she truly is, I know her like no other, She will always be fearful, never free.

Third is my fucking health..sleep for days, constant fucking pain, joint pain recently to force me to take the dreaded zombie pills. Sleep more. Then a burst of energy, paint a room. Mow the yard (which makes me bedridden for 2 days after). Up nights, guilty sleep during the day. certainly not living the life I thought I would be here. Why did I think it would be different. I have recently looked back at pics, why did I care if the yard wasn’t mowed. why did I let the little shit overwhelm me, why did I go so fucking mental that I moved away from what was my hubby’s dream. Believe me I fucked that dream up so very long ago but we kept on at the farm..it could have been good, I tell myself if I hadn’t gotten sick. Maybe it still could have been good if I just didn’t let it overwhelm me. Maybe if I didn’t let the girl next door get under my skin and crawl into my soul so deep that I was obsessive and mental when she would not respond to my needs. It was a pretend life in a place with too many memories. I do see certain things are better, I am off most of the fucked up drugs that probably made me mental to begin with, I also dont have the things that in my mind were overwhelming, and I am closer to ‘life’ here..shopping, water, people..if only I felt better, could get motivated to get out there more than I have and actually ‘live’ it.

Tomorrow maybe something else will force its way into my ‘top’ three..there is only space for one thing I can actually change..and that is sadly when my friend of so many decades is gone there will be an opening.