Welcome To Divorce Recovery

Here you will find blog posts on resources to help you recover from your divorce. I hope you find it helpful. This website has evolved from focusing on the doom and gloom of divorce (blech!) to now post divorce and recovery (yay!) because all of us eventually get to a point where we say "no more" to just surviving and oh holy yes to thriving! It's time. Let's get there. ​

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Oh my goodness, ya'll. This post is going to be a doozy, lol. I read this book by Devon Franklin titled The Truth About Men and it was so eye opening. I was honestly stunned at how honestly transparent and bare it all even if it's ugly truth he was in it regarding men in general and also specifically husbands and how they struggle with lust every single day. Read that sentence again. Every single day. I knew we as a society were in trouble but seriously after reading this book if you have boys you are raising please start praying for them daily to be the man God wants him to be if you are not already. Because we are failing boys. Fathers are failing boys. Boys are in serious trouble and don't stand a chance at being good husbands if we do not start taking the lustful behavior of men seriously and teach young boys the value of self discipline and putting sacrifice above instant self gratification. This needs to be an ongoing conversation with boys as they transition into tween then teen years and as they hit their twenties. Our future as a healthy functioning and emotionally intelligent society depends on it.

So what's the big deal, you ask? Well, it turns out that lust is an even bigger problem for men than I even thought. I guess I did not have a clue that it was a daily inner battle for all men of all ages and men who are single, married and that have been married forever and a day. Devon Franklin talks in his book about how shocked he was himself at how after his wedding and getting married he honestly assumed that he would no longer have lustful thoughts about any women and the first time one entered his mind post wedding day he was shocked; he shares how he felt terrible guilt and did not know what to do with this sinking feeling that he had somehow innocently enough failed miserably at honoring and loving his wife. He describes of how he thought all lustful thoughts would automatically shut off post wedding and had struggled with wondering how on earth while growing up his own father had crushingly cheated on his mother with another female family member... something that hurt him terribly and that lead him to the path he took with writing this book. He was tired of seeing all his female family members speak of the pain they were enduring while in their intimate relationships and being hurt by men who would not stay faithful. He wanted what he has learned through his own life experience to help other men open their eyes to what men are being shamefully silent about and not discussing yet that desperately needs to be talked openly about and brought out of the shadows and into the light where it cannot hide any longer. I could literally feel his pain and hurt as he described how impacting his father's infidelity was on his childhood, his upbringing, his view of women and relationships and how men must strive to do better. I applaud that he is writing with such transparency and letting women into the reality of men.
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Devon shares how he knew going into his own marriage to his wife Meagan that if he was not self-disciplined during the time they dated (meaning choosing celibacy and not giving into lustful self gratification with her but instead choosing sacrifice and true Godly love and discipline) that there was no way he would be able to hold himself to that standard once they were married. I really love that point and how honest he is in this book. There were some things I did not like that he said (I'll get to those in a bit) and that I do not agree with but I did really appreciate his total transparency and being so forthright. I agree that if a man we're dating is not disciplined during the courtship he will not be during the marriage. I believe this is so incredibly important and a character trait that women need to look for and would greatly benefit from as it gives her a greater feeling of security and trust with him. I believe if more men were willing to wait and sacrifice and not rush everything physically during dating then more marriages would be successful. I believe that men want to lead but often what ends up happening is they are not disciplined and instead of leading their girlfriend and potential wife into a garden of fruit (and life) they are instead leading her to the bedroom and a outcome of sin and decay.

In his book Devon writes of how men need to be self disciplined and like anything must put that into action. If he's tempted with the guys because they frequent strip clubs then he needs new friends. Duh. He talks of how if men are tempted by the bar on the way home from work and possibly meeting women then he needs to find a new route to drive home. Duh again. He recommends that if men are tempted to cheat on their wife when traveling for work he needs accountability like his wife needs to travel with him or a good trusted male friend or co-worker that is a good influence. Basically men need to take their routine into account and who they associate with and if there are red flags there that means they need to make adjustments or outright changes to help them become better equipped to stay strong and turn their back on lust and temptation. All of this stands to reason and makes so much logical sense. I believe the BIGGEST question is will most men do these things? I don't know... if they are smart they will. If they value their wife they will. If they are emotionally healthy they will. But if they have any sort of self identity issues, self loathing and worthlessness hiding inside them they probably won't. Why? Because men who don't feel good about themselves and feel the need for an ego boost to feel better however fleeting likely won't make the necessary changes they need to make. Instead it's easier to blame their wife for not doing x,y,z or whatever to stroke their ego and cheat. Ridiculous? Yes. Unrealistic? No.

I took issue with his book in which he discusses why wives need to check in with their husbands during the day. That husbands need that connection and reminder that you're there; that amidst the pressures he is enduring at work during his work day you are his soft spot and there for him. I felt like Devon kind of makes it partly the wife's responsibility here that if she's not doing this that she's easily forgotten by him during his work day and then the husband might be more susceptible to cheating if she's not checking in. That may or may not have been his intention but that is how I read it and understood it. If that is how he meant for it to be conveyed then I have issue with it. I definitely think it's okay for husbands and wives to check in during the day once and make sure everything is okay, let them know you're thinking of them and touch base if there's anything needed on the way home for dinner, or plans for the kids etc. Like I wrote, one check in a day for me would have been plenty. But maybe I was a low key wife and didn't need a lot of reassurance etc. Some husbands and wives require much more interaction. You have to do what works best for your personal situation. For me, I don't require much in terms of touching base during a work day. This was an issue in my own marriage. He wanted a lot more interaction. He wanted me texting, calling and coming by his work regularly. I refused. I was busy with either working part time, tending to the kids, chauffeuring kids to and from school, shopping, decorating our home, doing crafts (scrapbooks for the kids) cooking, baking, cleaning the home, gardening etc. Some days I just wanted a mini break and quiet time at home to relax and regroup. I am usually very happy and content in my element and once deeply delved into what I'm doing I become super hyper focused. I found any massaging of ego an interruption and did not fare well in this aspect of marriage. I was very much of the attitude "you do your thing, I'll do mine and we can catch up tonight!". I firmly believe marriage is a joining of two lives and at the end of the day sharing those individual separate experiences first gives each other space and breathing room and then ultimately brings you closer together. Unfortunately if you're not paired well in this area (one is prone to feeling stifled and is dismissive attachment and the other one is anxious attachment) it has the potential to become a huge source of contention which it did. He kept pushing for more interaction and I pushed back. (I see this behavior as too needy for me personally and I still stand by that). I really did not see an issue with my stance and honestly I think if you are paired well it works. But if you're not major problems ensue and unfortunately the wife is typically the one who is expected to bend and change and if you don't the marriage fails. I think basically it comes down to we must be paired well and both spouses must be VERY secure in who they are and not require ANY self worth or ego boost from their spouse. If we can live out our marriage without projecting the responsibility of our own loyal behavior onto our partner we will be successful in our love life. I don't believe wives or husbands are responsible for their partners fidelity or infidelity... we must take personal ownership of ourselves and our own actions and also self discipline ourselves. Because when we don't do this and instead try to fling it off onto the one we supposedly love we end up going into the arena of narcissism and that is not a pretty place to be at all.

And narcissism leads me to this next part. Man is always wanting what he wants. That is the narcissistic ego within that is hungry and wants to be fed NOW! We know the possible perils of instant gratification. Man has wants and desires and Devon talks of how every man has a dog within. That's basically the premise of his entire book; the dog within each man that struggles with being mastered or just allowed to play and get into trouble. He talks how all men must be the master of the dog within him or else he risks being controlled by the dog and the dog will run all over his yard and yikes... likely get loose. He must set up a fence of protection around his yard to keep other pretty dogs out (other women besides his wife) and get disciplined. He speaks on how men are possibly self disciplined in other areas like fitness and healthy eating and work and deadlines but then when it comes to containing his lustful behavior he falls short... in fact, he likely doesn't even have a plan! And we know by the high rate of infidelity and divorce that having zero plan puts couples at an extremely high risk of failing and splitting up including hurting their family dynamic meaning children. Devon talks of how husbands must get their priorities straight and realize that if he truly values what he's built with his wife he will slow down and take note of that when he feels tempted. He says very clearly that if you feel tempted you need to take an honest look at how your wife will react if she discovers you've been disloyal. The truth is you may not even be given a chance to explain. That is the honest to goodness truth. Not every man does. Some men come home to find their clothes strewn on the yard, the door locks changed and a call to his mother about what he's done. Some men get served at work in front of all their co-workers and humiliated. Some men walk out of work to find a sticky note saying 'don't come home, I hope she was worth it' stuck to their windshield. Bottom line is when deep hurts happen and emotions are high don't (and cannot) expect rational conversation and patient waiting for explanations from a wife. You likely won't get that. Likely the next time your phone rings it will be your spouse's attorney with what she's demanding in a settlement. So when it's stressed to you as a husband you need to have a plan put in place to prevent infidelity from ever taking place in your marriage I say it so incredibly seriously as Devon does as well in his book. It's vital. You must believe this like your life depends on it. Because it does.

So really I appreciate Devon's honesty in his book and it gives women who haven't married yet a very clear expectation of this is what men are like and if you do not feel comfortable signing the dotted line and taking the risk that he may cheat I cannot say I blame you. If you want a life remiss of any pain, hurt and risk of being cheated on and betrayed you still have options. You can stay single, you can have a baby via the sperm bank and just bypass all the potential destruction a man may bring into your life. (I am fully aware that some wives do cheat but that's a post for another time). For women I believe it's better to have read this book however much we may not like the reality of it and at least be able to move forward more informed that we were previously. In that... cheers to us and whichever path we choose may we pray to God that it's a good one.

To sum up... what men and women need to know is that men will never become immune to the inner battle of lust and wanting to have a woman they should not pursue because they are already in a committed relationship or married. They must fight this every day. Yet they must take personal responsibility and not fling off their issues onto their partner. That is not acceptable. A wife CAN be supportive (if she so chooses) and check in on him (within reason and within her nature) and try to keep those lines of communication open... but only within what she can do. Ultimately it's on HIM. ​

This website contains affiliate links and ads which means I may make a small commission at no cost to you. ​