A-CNN, 4-24-2015 – Allium-Cepa has just learned that the director of the Vatican Press Office, Fr. Federico Lombardi, S.J., held an emergency press conference this morning. The purpose of the meeting was to announce to the media some particulars about the Missionaries of Mercy that Pope Francis will be dispatching across the globe during the “Year of Mercy”.

Fr. Lombardi opened the press conference with the announcement, “I would like to begin by stating that while this new development from Pope Francis is surprising, nonetheless I am certain that this is truly the ‘aggiornamento autentico’ that the Church needs at this time.”

“This morning while I was having breakfast with Bergoglio… I mean, the Holy Father, His Holiness informed me as he buttered his scone that he felt the best choice of priests to act as his Missionaries of Mercy are those of the Society of Saint Pius X.”

Much to the thrill of fantasy fans everywhere, a previously unknown novel in the Fellowship of the Rings saga has recently been discovered in an attic in Painswick, England. What follows is brief review of The Return of the Two Towers.

Cardinal Angelo Amato, Prefect of the Congregation for the Causes of Saints, has announced, on the heels of the recent beatification of Pope Paul VI, an exciting new candidate for beatification on the increasingly crowded Expressway to the Ever-Widening Gate of Heaven. It seems that Cardinal Walter Kasper, President Emeritus of the Pontifical Council for Promoting Christian Unity, has now introduced the cause of Annibale Bugnini, the architect of the highly-touted liturgical reform of Vatican II, to the Congregation. Kasper reportedly gave his permission to open an investigation into Abp. Bugnini’s virtues in response to repeated and urgent requests from Pope Francis and his inner circle.

Cardinal Kasper’s correspondence to the Congregation is rumored to elaborate on a little-known connection between Kasper and Bugnini that apparently developed during the recent Synod on the Family. Apparently Kasper had been praying repeatedly to the spirit of Abp. Bugnini – whom he, Kasper, considers to be the apotheosis of the “Spirit of Vatican II” - to ensure that the revolutionary draft language on homosexuals remain in the final Synod document, despite stiff resistance from “conservative” bishops. When this language was in fact retained in the final document, by the anti-collegial order of Pope Francis, Kasper was ecstatic at this miracle, and redoubled his zealous efforts on Bugnini’s behalf.

The Remnant's Rome correspondents have just translated an article written by noted Vaticanist Sandy Maestro, who writes for the Italian paper Viva Il Papa. The paper has heard from certain anonymous Vatican officials that the Holy See is targeting a Traditionalist Catholic writer from the United States for a possible lawsuit. The writer in question has suggested by email to The Remnant that he write an article exposing the Pope's secret project for granting a retroactive annulment to British King Henry VIII and his wife Catherine of Aragon, as part of Rome's Ecumenical outreach.

But thanks to the recent expansion of the Vatican's Dicastery of Mail Interception under Cardinal Giuseppe Lampedusa, emails as well as books are now subject to appropriate action. Lampedusa's mandate, according to the anonymous sources, uses NSA techniques to monitor emails to and from groups and publications sympathetic to pre-Vatican II thought and beliefs. The Dicastery of course exempts Michael Voris' organization, since he has promised never to criticize the Pope.

This is a charming tale in which the Holy Father Bishop of Rome Francis visits the poverty stricken, yet faithful, Catholic Rabbit family and brings them a message of hope and mercy, as well as the information Mr and Mrs Rabbit need to help them licitly find their way out of the fecundity of their fertility situation.

In this delightful and socially up-to-the-minute tale, youngsters will also be introduced to the Rabbit family’s new neighbors, Mrs. and Mrs. Fox (though soon to be Mr and Mrs Fox thanks to the wonders of modern medical science!) who have just given birth to their first and only Fox kit, thanks again to the wonders of modern science and IVF.

Pope Francis encourages the Rabbit family to accept and value the new neighbors' sexual orientation and to recognize the positive elements even in the imperfect forms that may be found outside the nuptial situation.

He also encourages the Rabbit family to look to the greater needs of the earth. Ecology and reducing rabbits' carbon footprints are presented to children in a way that every good Catholic should come to know and understand.

A-CNN Breaking Story: The Catholic Church in its ecumenical wisdom and neo-exegesis tradition with and by the authority expressly granted by the Second Vatican Council document proclamation of SACROSANCTUM CONCILIUM, DECREES:

50. The rite of the Mass is to be revised in such a way that the intrinsic nature and purpose of its several parts, as well as the connection between them, may be more clearly manifested, and that devout and active participation by the faithful may be more easily achieved.

For this purpose the rites are to be simplified, due care being taken to preserve their substance. Parts which with the passage of time came to be duplicated, or were added with little advantage, are to be omitted. Other parts which suffered loss through accidents of history are to be restored to the vigor they had in the days of the holy Fathers, as may seem useful or necessary.

Revised Praxis: To be granted to achieve the more active participation in the Novus Ordo Mass. The table of the Eucharist is to be extended and or supplemented with auxiliary tables in such a way as to provide for the new useful and necessary self-service ministry and for the restoration of the People’s Liturgical Buffet Eucharist Distribution Table.

A-CNN Special Report: In the continuing efforts to erase every vestige of the Pre-Vatican II Church, Ima Cardinal Hairatik addressed an assembly of the newly-formed World Homogenous Association To Elevate Various Erroneous Religions (W.H.A.T.E.V.E.R) to update what was once known as the Seven Deadly Sins in the Rigid Commands (R.C.) Church: pride, covetousness, impurity, envy, gluttony, anger and sloth. After very careful study, it was determined that these so-called vices, believed to be the root of many sins, are merely human weaknesses and frailties of which we are not to be judgmental. However, Cardinal Hairatik presented a list of Crimes Against Humanity and Nature, which will supersede the antiquated list of Deadly Sins.

The following are excerpts from Cardinal Hairatik’s address to WHATEVER outlining the catholic church of New Option’s Crimes Against Humanity and Nature:

“The Pope has opened the windows and doors of the post-Second Vatican Council Catholic Church to the wonderful world that it once mistakenly viewed as a place of darkness needing the light of Christendom.”

Breaking News: The Vatican Press Office just released a statement concerning the Vatican Plan for a New One World Order Morality based on the threat of Climate Change and the mandatory conservation of the Earth. This papal document will be revealing the indisputable science which shows the detrimental impact human beings have made on the eco system. Not only irreparable damage to the environment but, also the cruelty of capitalistic unfair disparity in the distribution of goods, education and the land practices humans exploit and invest in. A new economy is being designed to better meet the needs of the marginalized poor who want jobs and a better opportunity for social development but, never seem to get it. It has been noted that the Holy Father has been saying, “The poor you will not always have among us”. Plans to incorporate an additional hermeneutic for a new more ecumenical morality code for sharing the earth are being drawn up. Since this new morality’s central focus is the planet Earth there will be an emphasis placed on the ecumenical management of social justice through science, technology and democracy. These new ideas are a reflection and refinement of the old Marxian axiom: “From each according to his ability, to each according to his need”.

A-CNN Report—In the continuing Spirit of Vatican II, Ima Cardinal Hairatik, a reliable Vatican spokesperson, has issued a statement declaring the “New Options” of the “catholic” church, formerly known in more rigid times as The Precepts of the Church. These former Commands of the Church were given for the spiritual good of the faithful and were obliging under the pain of sin. Henceforth, the R.C. (Rigid Commands) of the now-defunct pre-conciliar Catholic Church are to be replaced with the N.O. (New Options) of the post-conciliar “catholic” church which are more in conformity with the “live and let live” attitude of the “Civilization of Love”.

#1- ( R.C.) – To assist at Mass on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation

A GALAXY NOT THAT FAR FAR AWAY. (January 1, 2015) The Congregation for Human Worship and the Un-discipline of the Sacraments -- until the resignation of Pope Emeritus Benedict, formerly known as (f/k/a) Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments -- today announced that in an audience with Auxiliary Bishop of Rome, Francis ½ (f/k/a Bishop of Rome Francis) the Prefect obtained the signature of Francis to a cow (f/k/a a "bull" in an age dominated by masculine terminology which excluded the female gender) promulgating a new order of the Lord’s Supper (f/f/k/a the Mass).

The document, Simulans Novus OrdoMissae established the rubrics and technical specifications for what the eternal Vatican Spokesman Federico Lombardi called a Virtual New Order of Mass (VNOM). “The Vatican, taking note of the latest discoveries in social science, anthropology, psychology, technology, liturgy, and every other discipline outside of her competence, has finally realized that the most effective way to build community life is through the isolated pursuit by each individual of his, her, or its unique preferences.”