Goat to stand as UKIP candidate in general election

Far right party admits they have run out of human candidates.

After losing three general election candidates in the space of 24 hours this weekend, [http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-31983197], the UK Independence Party has taken the unprecedented step of selecting a goat as a parliamentary candidate.

Nelly, aged two and a half, will be attempting to wrest the Folkestone and Hythe seat from the Conservative Party. “Goats are highly territorial animals,” said party leader Nigel Farage. “Nelly therefore has ample experience in kicking out unwelcome visitors. She’s the perfect candidate.”

However, the selection is alleged to have been forced on the party because they have run out of suitable human candidates, following a stream of UKIP members being suspended for bigoted comments or dodgy dealings.

Speaking in private, a party manager described the problem. “There’s about 5 million adult UKIP supporters, but our polling suggests that a lot of them think that running for parliament would be too much like hard work, and that we should get a Pole to do it instead.

“Most of the rest are on record saying something racist, homophobic or sexist that would force us to suspend them as soon as they were selected. That leaves about a million, but half of those live abroad most of the year for tax reasons.”

“That leaves 500 000, but 200 000 are in prison or have criminal convictions, while another 100 000 are foreign nationals who’d automatically be deported if UKIP won power. Then you have 50 000 aged over 90 and too senile to remember their own names. Another 50 000 think that ‘UKIP’ is actually a phone app designed to help people sleep.

“Three quarters of the 100 000 left over have formed their own ‘Reinstate Jeremy Clarkson’ party, and are fielding their own candidates in the election. That leaves 25 000, 15 000 of whom are so permanently angry that we can’t use them as candidates for medical reasons.

“The remaining 10 000 unfortunately includes 9500 people who are already suspended from the party due to a range of disciplinary issues. Of the rest, 400 can’t complete a sentence without swearing, 73 are clinically insane and 26 have words like “Dave” tattooed backwards across their foreheads, which focus groups suggest would put voters off backing them in an election.

“That leaves one, and he is Nigel Farage. Sadly he can’t stand for every seat in the country, much as we’d like him to.”

UKIP have freely admitted that Nelly the Goat may not have much to contribute to the drawing up of new Parliamentary legislation, and that she will struggle to understand the individual problems of her constituents.

However, she will be able to take full part in Parliamentary votes by simply following Nigel Farage through the voting lobby. She will also be a vocal contributor to parliamentary debates, and is said to have a slightly better grasp of science than most UKIP members, including Farage himself.