A Bitter Pill To Swallow

I may be wrong, but on the list of requirements for a better world, I would imagine that longer-lasting erections would be placed fairly low down. Somewhere between self-replacing toilet rolls and bark-free dogs, perhaps.

I, on the other hand, have always been an ardent supporter of a pill that could boost a woman’s sex drive.

There is something particularly unlovely about the sexually aroused male. If some studies are to be believed, this would mean the male is unlovely only during the time he is not asleep. But when the female is on heat – I mean really on heat and not just pretending for the sake of a free meal and a trip to the Seychelles – she is a sight to behold.

Her skin glows and her movements become slow and panther-like. Her growling turns to purring and her tail feathers go up. Her breathing becomes shallow and her eyes change colour. I can only imagine this is what it must be like.

It was within our grasp, this fabulous elixir, but the dream has been shattered. By the Americans, no less. A nation of God-fearing pilgrims has denied women everywhere the chance to see life through our eyes; the chance to feel urges other than to shop, chat or cry.

The US Food and Drug Administration voted unanimously against approving a pill that was already being hailed as the “female Viagra”. Any nation that lumps food and drugs into the same category doesn’t deserve to be called a superpower. It should have no power at all. It should be called Haiti.

The advisory panel said the evidence presented had not demonstrated the effectiveness or safety of flibanserin. Only a company called Boehringer Ingelheim could come up with a drug capable of bringing about world peace and then call it flibanserin. If they had called it “Ja! Ja!” or just plain old “Mein Gott!” it would have been approved.

What woman suffering from low libido, low self-esteem and quite possibly low iron levels would walk into a pharmacy and ask for flibanserin? It sounds like something you’d rub on your gums to cure trench mouth.

This is what panel chair Julia Johnson had to say: “The efficacy was not sufficiently robust to justify the risks.”

I beg your pardon? Robust? Is she saying the entire project was shut down because the guinea pigs failed to tear each other apart in an unbridled orgy of lust?

We aren’t asking for a feeding frenzy, Julia. All we want is for the initiative to occasionally come from someone who isn’t us.

What possible risks could there be, anyway? She takes the pill, still doesn’t feel like sex and her friends notice nothing different about her. How come nobody worries about the risks faced by men who react to Viagra in an insufficiently robust manner? Getting laughed at by your mates can lead to suicide or, worse, having to find a new pub.

One of the side effects of flibanserin is dizziness. Oh, well. In that case, cancel all trials at once. For men, the side effects of not getting laid include dizziness and an overpowering urge to attack North Korea.

Medical trials say that at least 40% of women suffer from varying degrees of sexual hypoactivity. “You call that suffering?” she scoffed. “Try being married to a lump of snoring lard for 15 years.”

Is that what’s happening here? Is it possible that sexually dysfunctional women might not, in fact, be completely mad? Could it be that they are simply going off men in general? Does this make them lesbians? I like to think so. By the same token, then, erectile dysfunction is not caused by stress. It is caused by women who lie through their teeth and kiss like Gila monsters.

The two-year studies found that women who took flibanserin reported 4.5 more satisfying sexual experiences per month. I suppose only a woman knows what half a satisfying sexual experience feels like. A thoroughly satisfying experience, I expect, is when the man doesn’t pitch up at all.

These women are already having sex more than four times a month, and that’s with no libido, for heaven’s sake. Are they being paid?

Hello. What’s this? Flibanserin belongs to a family of anti-depressants that reduces the level of serotonin, which has an effect on mood and can put a damper on sexual desire. Trust the Germans to cock it up. Achtung, Klaus! It’s in the wrong bloody family.

We don’t expect our women to be happy and horny. Horny will do just fine. So get to it. Schnell! Schnell!