Does God speak? In the silence of the wilderness, in the shattering noise of a city street? What does it mean to wrestle with gender, and not accept the standard of just being gay? What does it mean to speak about that journey, accepting others, yet still be true to your own self?
This is my journey out of silence, out of the shadows of others, not afraid of my own voice, rather, listening to my Rabbi speak my name, giving me strength.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Throne Room

Today is day 20. I cannot believe it has been 20 days. How strange it is not to eat, not to do things the same as before. To rely on God for everything, especially to sustain you and strengthen you. It says that he will strengthen us in our weakness and sustain us. So that is my hearts cry even more as I go forward.Things have not been over the top crazy in terms of prayer times and so today, I really wanted to press in. To go deeper than I have been. So the book I am reading suggested to pray in the spirit for an hour. I was like...you have to be kidding. But I was interested in trying it and within 10 minutes was a sobbing mess. I continued to pray and cry and then would wait to receive from God. I sensed that I was in the throne room of God. Standing before him, as he sat on the throne. It was like I was pleading my case, telling him everything I had done and I felt so much remorse. I felt an overwelming feeling of being deeply repentant. God then wrapped his arms around me and placed his cheek on my head and just held me. Like a father would hold his crying son, My Father held me. He held me secure, and I sobbed all the more, knowing that no matter what I had done, He loved me. He cared for me and would not leave me. Time passed. Everytime I tried to speak, it was just sobs. So I just relaxed in the presence. A peace came over me and I sat there, in silence, knowing that something amazing had just taken place. I cannot explain it better than this. It was personal, sweet and something that I will remember. I long to experience more of that. To take the time to know that my Father in heaven loves me and will enlarge my heart to take in more of his love.

So the fast, I have been surrounded by food, by people apologizing and saying they are sorry that I am not eating, or apologize that they are eating. Hunger left after about day 10. It is strange not to eat, and to be satisfied by time spent in the word and in prayer. I have a yearning to serve and do things for others. So I step out in that in little ways. God is doing a good work...and he will not stop until it is completed and I am a willing vessel.

I sense a newness, a refreshing and a joy that will spring forth. I welcome it God. I welcome your ways and patiently wait for your blessings.

About Me

My wife and I are learning from others that living ideally in a close knit community, reaching out to others and being debt free are important. Sharing stories and inspiring people to be the best that they can be. We enjoy music, poetic lyrics and art.
Art and words (spoken), any way you look at it, is an expression of someone's inner workings, what is actually being brought out into the light of day, either on canvas or on paper. We enjoy moments of self reflection as we pick up a pencil, paint brush or camera. It is actually liberating to turn the TV off and walk into creation...and get your hands dirty.