This is the first entry in a monthly series that I’m starting, in which I ask you a question, and you tell me what you think.

The first one is a question that’s been on my mind for a while: Have you known anyone that killed themselves? What was the circumstances and did you agree with their decision?

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When I was a couple years old, older lady in my building hang herself.
Some years ago, a trans boy->girl I talked to through chatzy also hang herself.
Don’t have enough info about either of them to pass judgment.
I do however think that if someone wants to die, he\she should be able to do it, and with as little pain as possible.

Yes. My mother. And a quick shout out to npbnjvsxynpsff, most suicide’s are the result of depression, a treatable condition in most cases. (although some cases are intractable) I agree that if someone wants to die they should be able to make that choice, but only in cases of terminal illness or excruciating physical or mental pain (NOT caused bydepression).Individuals with mental health problems should not be encouraged by the idea (or reality depending on your geographic location) of legal, assisted suicide.

Most according to who ?
What about the untreatable cases ?
And who, and how would determine that the pain is excruciating, especially mental ? And isn’t the so called depression, just that – excruciating mental pain, that disrupts your whole life, and sometimes even can manifest physical symptoms ?

As for “assisted suicide”, I’m against it – bad “memories” from the past. The only exception should be cases like Ramón Sampedro’s.

These are all good questions and I can’t really answer most of them. Pain, whether mental, physical or both is entirely subjective. I have suffered from depression on and off for many years and my symptoms included suicidal thoughts, as well as the physical ones you mention, primarily psychomotor retardation. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychomotor_retardation. Fear of death and knowing that I had recovered from depression before stopped me from ending my life. I honestly don’t know what I would do if my depression became untreatable. My suffering might outweigh my fear. www.mentalhealthamerica.net/suicide

Just noticed the rest of the question. No I did not agree with the decision. She was mentally ill but refused to accept that diagnosis, so she spiraled deeper and deeper into despair. I was very young at the time but was placed in the position of a caregiver and informed her doctor that I thought she was suicidal. She brushed my concerns aside and my mother took her own life. Sadly, I don’t think there was anything I could have done (and I did try) to dissuade her. Despite all that I still feel guilt.

Hi Tiki, I honestly didn’t blame the doctor. I think my mother concealed a great many of her thought processes from her, leading her to take the view she wasn’t suicidal. My mother was much more open with me about her intentions and would talk about it in a roundabout fashion, mentioning wills and getting me to promise I would look after my disabled brother if anything happened to her. I have experienced severe depression myself but my fear of death has prevented me from taking action even when I felt it was pointless going on.

Not personally although during a dark period many years ago I was close, and at work I’ve talked to several people who were either contemplating or were actively attempting suicide. In all cases it boiled down to feelings of hopelessness brought on by depression.

I absolutely don’t agree with their decisions, and can only imagine a very small handful of situations where I would agree with it.

Time more than anything. Life changed like it always does and I’m sure whatever brain chemistry that causes depression righted itself. I met my wife shortly afterwards as well which changed my life as well.

Yes, two. The first was a friend in high school 20 some years ago. She was not depressed or having trouble with anything. She had a fight with her mom and said Well I’ll show her and shot herself. Utterly tragic and senseless.

The second is (I think) my mom. She just passed on 3/29 after being diagnosed with a terminal illness on 3/24. I think she just gave up and stopped eating and drinking rather than try to fight 🙁

2.
A friend about 20 years ago.
No signs of depression that anyone was aware of.
He obviously didn’t plan to do it because he signed a lease for a car and bought groceries on his way home a couple of hours before he did it.
He had a huge gun collection.

He’s one of the reason I’m not a big fan of guns…would he have gone through with it if he hadn’t had quick access to a firearm…?

The other one was a good friend last year.
He was going through a divorce, and he did a really good job of hiding just how bad his money situation was.
Unfortunately, in hind sight, it was apparent he’d been planning it for some time.
The maddening thing about him was just big and deep his support was….there were literally dozens of folks, myself included, who would have given done anything for the guy.
He hung himself in a public park.
I heard the story of “a suicide” almost a day before any of us knew it was him.

I can’t agree with either’s decision…but I wasn’t in either’ head, so I can’t know what they were thinking.
But if either had asked for help he would have gotten it…

1. My father took his own life after suffering PTSD and side effects from Agent Orange for decades (Vietnam). Back in the late ’80s, a PTSD diagnosis was considered a sign of weakness and many vets would not accept treatment; my father was one of the stubborn ones. While many docs would discuss Agent Orange and its mental/physical effects off the record, none would make an official diagnosis.

2. An ex-GF in high school took her own life, and that of her unborn child, with a shotgun.

I can’t say that I agreed with either decision … but in reality my father’s decision resulted in a much better quality of life for my family. It’s complicated – but suffice to say, we were freed from a close-minded and abusive person.

One of my first cousins committed suicide a little over 20 years ago. He was in his mid-twenties (~5 years my senior), had an ex and a two-year-old boy (whom his ex wouldn’t allow him to see after their relationship ended). That was the proverbial straw that broke the back of his depression camel, as it turned out. He drove his car out of their hometown before a big old dump of snow, parked along a river, and got in the trunk with an open gas can. Then he just went to sleep – as it snowed ~16″. It was weeks before they found him.

As for agreeing with his choice… I was a pall bearer at his funeral. I’ve probably been to ~50 funerals in my life, but that one was the bleakest, blackest event I ever hope to witness. The despair was palpable. His death pretty much broke my aunt, and all his older siblings (and nieces & nephews) were devastated by it. They were hurt, and angry, and in shock that he had been able to hide his depression so very well.

I battled depression for many years (my twenties were the worst, by far). Blair’s death helped keep me alive, in that it gave me a glimpse of what kind of ripples my suicide would have, should I choose to go that way. I decided then that I wouldn’t cause that many people that much pain, even though my life then seemed without an upside.

I can’t say I agree with his choice, but I certainly understand it. And I believe he finally found some peace.