Category: courage

I’ve been trying to pin point the words, to somehow capture and solidify my experience. In doing so, hoping to find some sort of solidarity that I can grab a hold of with both hands.

But it’s not coming. It’s not happening.

And then I remember what I signed up for.

I didn’t sign up for normal. I didn’t sign up for comfortable.

Somewhere way back when, my soul made a contract to be wild and free, so trying to fit this into its current surrounds is something akin to bringing the wild back into the city. It won’t fit anymore, in fact it’s likely to go more wild.

I see that Brene Brown has just released a new book, so I’m reading the sample pages available on Amazon.com. In the first pages I come across this snippet as she is discussing Maya Angelou in a 1973 interview. Maya says;

“You are only free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.”

To which I resonate so greatly, I cry.

In conclusion, I’m not going to find the right words, it’s never going to make sense, I am the wild space between the words that are undiscovered and free. It’s up to me to surrender to that, and come from that place. Wild makes no sense. Wild is WILD. This is why we feel at peace and at home within nature, our brain has to give up trying to understand it, and just get out of the way to come to peace.

So dear Heidi, give up the understanding and just own the wild and free that you.

Perhaps you’ve read about the awakening process or are going through it yourself. The world is shifting and people are awakening to the truth of this life. It can be a scary initiation that is a preparation into your unique life purpose and why you are living this life. One that has more meaning than that of simply following the society norm of which we have been conditioned to through our up bringing.

To help a little, and normalize what you might be experiencing, I’ve compiled 6 examples to support your surrender and remind you you aren’t alone.

I know when I experienced these, I felt like I was the only person on Earth and didn’t understand what was happening. Please know you’re not alone as many have gone before you, and are right alongside you right now. At this time there is an abundance of people available to support you and understand your experience.

6 Signs You’re Experiencing the Awakening Process

1 – Something outside of your control happens;

Maybe you lost your job?
A large financial challenge occurs.
You move homes, or locations.
You’re going through a divorce or separation with a loved one.
Someone dear to you passes on.
A desired outcome was not fulfilled.

Situations that occur beyond what our Ego has calculated can invite an opportunity for fear to visit. This is not a bad thing. Merely a chance to test our resiliency and feel emotions we may not have allowed ourselves to feel by being in our mapped out existence. When we know what we know, well… When we don’t know what we don’t know…

2 – Feeling emotional for unknown reasons;

You experience a spectrum of emotions for unknown (or maybe known) reasons. But you really do not understand WHY you feel this magnified way about this unknown, or known thing, but you do. You feel like reclusing, hiding, you are unsure how to cope.

When life happens for us externally, it can activate emotions that are suppressed within our psyche. Something may have happened during our childhood years, or perhaps past lives, that we weren’t able to process, that now as an adult we have the capacity to.

3 – Feeling alone/misunderstood in usual social situations;

Going out tonight, you didn’t really feel like going. But you go because you feel a sense of obligation. It’s what you ‘should’ do. The small talk at the outing feels really really hard. You long to simply be at home, or be able to talk about what is really going on in your life, but you feel far to vulnerable to show how you really feel and fear being judged and feeling like ‘that person’. That person who is struggling with life and doesn’t have it all together. Because of course we should, right? (tongue in cheek)

As our consciousness is shifting and we are awakening to a whole new world of thoughts, feelings, emotions and ways of being in the world, we begin to shift and out grow or existing reality.

4 – Increased sensitivity to usual environments & information

Watching the News, or reading Newspapers is no longer enjoyable. You don’t like the fear mongering in these stores, they make you feel bad. You prefer to scroll Social Media for feel good stories, articles and information, watch YouTube Videos and choose to inform yourself on what ‘the people’ are sharing. There are great things happening in the world too! You are consciously choosing to feel good, not bad.

You might be beginning to notice how easy it is to feel bad based on environmental factors. Media, people, environments, food, bars, clubs, places you used to put your energy into. You’ll be making conscious choices for what makes you feel good vs bad.

5 – Falling away of current friendships

You’re feeling like your current circle of friends don’t understand you and what is happening. You struggle to talk to them and feel really uncomfortable when you try. When you do, they console you with things like:
– it’ll pass
– you’ll be right // you’ll get through this
– everyone goes through something
– did you know such and such had xyz happen – you’re lucky compared to them
It’s not their fault they don’t know how to acknowledge you, but you feel no better, maybe worse and more alone from not feeling heard.

Yup – this is a tricky, and personal one to navigate. Ensure you seek support from a practitioner who can acknowledge how you feel. How you feel IS important and valid and it’s absolutely irrelevant to compare your situation to another person going through the same or different circumstances. We are all unique and riding our own life waves.

6 – There is discomfort in the life you once felt comfort

Suddenly, being in large populated areas like shopping malls, supermarkets now aggravates you. The bright lights, artificial food & packaging, screaming children, intense energy, the sense of stress and urgency from over worked faces around you. Not to mention the stress of getting in and out of the car park!

Another uncomfortable one, but a great opportunity to acknowledge you and your needs. There are other options available that don’t have to include going to a busy supermarket or mall. Lucky now we have home gardens, whole foods stores, weekend markets, organic delivery services, co-ops. Start doing some research if you haven’t already to connect with local people, create grass roots connections with others around you who are connected to the Earth. Life isn’t a fast food store, so we shouldn’t live like it.

Lots of wonderful unfolding lessons will show themselves in time. This is a magical time where you will see more than you have before. It may not feel like it at the time, but remember to breathe, seek support and know you are not alone in this.

There hasn’t been much inspiration for blogging recently, I’ve been knee deep in emotional healing, loving my Inner Child, much to the disappointment of my inner ‘get things done’ self. Apparently now is a time of deep inner healing, as reflected to me by my healer friend.

There’s been resistance with the acceptance of this, I mean, I am in the perfect place to be healing, but seriously, how long does one have to heal for – can I get on with the show already? Am I right?

It feels as though this year has been relentless in the pursuit of healing. The whole of 2016! In numerology this year is a 9 year, a year of endings. 2+0+1+6=9. Representing the ending of a 8/9 year cycle, and I tell you what, these numbers aren’t lying. This last year feels like it has been dying a slow death, like the transition of seasons from fall to winter – but longer.

After spending 8.5 months in a Silent Retreat, 2.5 in Ubud – I feel like physically, I have not achieved one thing. Sure, there may be a few blog posts to show, pages and pages of scribbled journaling’s – most of which are ash by now. I have 2 suitcases filled with my belongings & have accumulated one beautiful gifted wooden Ganesha representative of destroying my obstacles. Sounds like a pretty clean simple year no?

Internally it looks like the Sahara desert, intuitively I feel endless rolling hills of cleared debris & destruction. You can’t see my inner landscape, I can’t prove to you how much inner work I’ve done. We cannot sit and compare notes and graphs about who’s inner work is going to have the biggest return on investment, because this shit can’t be seen. When times like this in life present, (and yes I say times like this, as this isn’t the first time I’ve experienced this), it is so easy to forget that life exists outside of the inner destruction that has occurred.

I forget that there IS a life of dreams and desires, of the world’s greatest riches. I forget that there are manifestations of unknown awaiting my rebirth into the world. I forget that there is a sea of possibility just begging me to grab a hold of it with both hands. I forget that I am a valued being on this planet and another voice for Mother Earth. I forget. I am lost in my inner Star Wars Movie – the battle of the dark side against the light.

This recent battle is just about over. One that has invited my inner teenager with all her wounds, aches and pains. I was gifted a beautiful encounter with a gorgeous Balinese Man who’s smile was enough to make my heart melt, and it pretty much did. It has been about one full year since anyone had looked at me, so to feel my butterflies dance in my tummy was a strange, but exciting feeling – I decided to explore it. Why not?

Edges were met & my fears emerged, I didn’t know whether to let the whole thing go and continue to protect my precious heart, or to open and expand despite these fears. A trip back to the Silent Retreat and a deep dig towards some inner courage saw me return to Ubud lighter and ready to explore.

My heart was opened again and I felt as vulnerable as a fresh teenager rich with new hormones. She was out in full force. The beauty of this relationship was a test of this vulnerable part of myself – would she seek fulfillment in another, or would I (adult Heidi) rise to the challenge and be there to catch her – to meet her needs.

Heart open, arms wide, I was there to catch her, there could be no other way, because he was not available, nor is it his job. His heart closed, encased behind walls of hurt & pain. She kicked & screamed and yelled at me for love, so show up for her did. Time spent laying on my bed, holding my heart, tears streaming, journaling & meditation to hold her tightly was all I could do from going crazy thinking about him.

An external force brought into my world to make me show up stronger than I ever have for myself. It’s been a good month of parenting myself, it has been wild & relentless. I am SO thankful to see who I am and understand how to care for me, to not throw myself at another in the vain ‘hope’ that he will give me what I needed to give myself.

The relationship has come to a close, and I am feeling a little more settled within my heart, aware of new lessons on the cusp. Trust & Intimacy… This inner work, really is akin to work – seriously! If there was a way to be paid for it, I would be onto the winning ticket.

Our relationships really are nothing but mirrors for us. Showing up to teach us the deepest parts of ourselves we have not yet met. It takes courage to engage in conscious relationships – that shit ain’t easy.

“the road can teach you how to love and let go, it can be lonely, but it’s the only thing, that we’ve ever known…”

Wash It Away
Nahko Bear

> If you’re needing support in gaining clarity around your Inner Child within relationships, contact me at me@heidifirth.com or Be Your Own Guru – Worldwide on Facebook.

I am SO riled up with frustration today – today’s topic – how will I make a difference in today’s world?

Yesterday I spent time with a dear friend & he is never shy to question my motives and intentions behind my drive for life.

It’s always wonderful to have someone pushing me forward and ensuring I’m aligning myself with my highest good, but what if it feels like absolutely nothing I’m doing is working or moving forward?

I really feel like this right now!

I feel so on my own. Usually a day is inspired by divine conversations, interactions that can guide me towards something, a creative task to fruition, but these past few weeks. I feel like I’m floating in the ethos of nothingness. What the fuck am I doing?

My past few blog posts have mirrored this topic. What the fuck is Heidi doing? I have a million tools and good intentions for the whole, but feel like I’ve no fucking idea what I’m doing, add to this my stress about my money situation. So which comes first? Focus on the things that will bring money in, or keep doing what I love – it feels like the dilemma of the era – with all the bright shinny things ‘out there’ – it’s so easy to be distracted by ‘what’s here’.

I can’t play the pretend game – pretending I have it all together – that I’m some wonderful successful online coach with clients lining up to work with me, earning 6/7 figures each month – it all seems so shallow & empty. Give me the truth god dammit! I need to be honest, I need to spill the beans and call a spade a spade. Who really knows what is going on here? I certainly don’t. I wish I had a small inkling of an idea. What this thing called life is all about. Even writing these words, having this word dump doesn’t feel like the right thing to share on my blog. Aren’t I meant to have it all together?

If I carry the title of Coach, Counselor & PT, aren’t I meant to know what’s going on? Perhaps this is something I’ve put on myself… that I should have it all together. I feel the further I go along this journey, the less idea I actually have. Walls & beliefs get knocked down, disassembled, blasted to smithereens. What is left is a field of peace, wonder, possibility which anything can be built upon. I tell you this field is amazing, but you wouldn’t believe unless you experienced it for your very own self.

I joined an online Affiliate Marketing gig because it truly felt like a piece of the puzzle, the tools, systems and the how – the how behind getting Be Your Own Guru online & moving – whatever that means.

Yet I watch the Facebook posts & messages stream along on FB Messenger (from said Marketing peeps) – they are rich with questions and banter about all the detail needed to understand the nuts and bolts behind the scenes of building an online business. How to derive followers, likers, leads etc.. The purpose of these equal sales and therefore money. Winning right?! Yes we need money – god knows we do – have a look at my bank account.

However in the next moment, I stumble upon a video of my Mentor – Paul Chek, talking about how the Earths Top Soil is akin to our own Digestive Systems. I get this so strongly – as within, so without. I witness the mass pollution accruing on this planet and understand that it is a direct result of each individual on this planet and our connection with our inner selves.

Online business details vs the reality of the Planet – my dilemma – the questions & feelings of frustration arise – What can I do? I experience deep frustration on a daily basis for not being able to DO ENOUGH! HOW! What can I do? Seriously – show me the fucking way! I have a greater awareness of what is going on here & I don’t know what to do with that information! Rgggghhh!

Meanwhile billions of people the world across are absolutely clueless to the impact they are creating, let alone what their neighbors are up too. How can we be in such a mess? It really breaks my heart, I cry & feel the pain of the world in my heart. How can my knowledge help the whole? How can I help the cause?

I just don’t know what to do. Even typing these words while I sit in a Café in Ubud drinking my coffee feels super privileged and hardly a step in the right direction. Though I know that I need to acknowledge my fire, I need to express my frustrations. Whether my words are read, whether they disappear into the abyss of yet another blog post online, what matters is that I wrote them. That I acknowledged my deep frustration with the state of the planet and the fact that I am SO ready to make difference.

I dance in periods of listening to my favorite artist Nahko Bear. When I’ve had time away from him, and return – his voice and message awakens my soul again – it resonates so deeply and for that moment in time I feel heard – I feel ok. His music reminds me that I’m not the only one. You see – I feel like I’m on my own here. Am I?

Are you reading these words?
Are you with me?
Do you care?
Can you see what is happening?
Do you know that the world needs you?
Are you aware of your daily actions and how they affect the world. Your trash, your purpose, your words, your energy, your ability to be in integrity with yourself. Speak your truth, be honest, be vulnerable. Do you understand how MUCH you contribute to this world? You are a part of everything – not separate at all.

You see this is what is needed first and foremost. We can’t change anything out there – without changing what is going on – in here <3.

This is what it comes back to, Being Your own Guru, if you are the creator of your life, taking responsibility for your words, actions, energy, moment to moment, we make the best choices for the planet.

Our food sources, the soil in which it was grown, our friends and neighbors and how much love and compassion we offer them. Everyone is fighting their own battles and they cannot be won on our own. We need to band together and offer support… But it starts with you – right now – looking at yourself.

If you’re ready to embark on the Guru’s journey, let’s do things OUR way… Let’s get our voices out loud and strong in integrity with our spirit and purpose. Let’s make a difference. I will walk with you, guiding you & offering support each step of the way. Join me in a personal capacity by messaging me, or join me professionally by following this link.

What is our purpose in life? Today’s 99 Million Dollar Question right?!

I’ve been working with this questions quite intimately these past months here in Bali land. Knowing for a long time there is much more to living life than just hitting the daily grind in exchange for an income.

I know this – but such is life – continuing to learn lessons, plugging along & asking life purpose reflection questions.
Each question has created an opportunity, a stepping stone to the next. Each stepping stone has requested courage & fear acknowledgement. But here’s the thing, they ARE stepping stones. We are never given what we cannot handle, and so we get to choose in each moment whether we continue with what we know, or step into that which we don’t.

Bali was and continues to be a gamble.

I have no idea what I’m doing & showing up for on a day to day basis, but I do, because sitting here in my life, I cannot & will not go backwards.

If I ‘went back’, this might look like returning to Australia or maybe New Zealand, getting a J.O.B in exchange for my life hours and a small wage in exchange for such un-priceable value. I will not do it. (Well – it doesn’t feel like my here & now calling. Although I have learnt to be open and step into what is needed in each moment.)

The Silent Retreat was tough. It was an inner boot camp of looking at fears, demons, and a time out & deconstruction of everything I knew to be true. The living paradigm of J.O.B working. Compartmentalizing life. It has since spat me out, in which I am SO grateful for. Day by day, now some 10 days on or so, life continues to show up for me because I am choosing to show up for it. I am in the hands of something far greater that has me in it’s arms.

How am I sustaining myself?
Friends, more friends, small savings & trust.

Do I know what I’m doing tomorrow?
Hell No!

Am I happy & excited?
Hell YES!

Do I get to live my life on my terms?
HELL YES!

Am I safe? A roof over my head & food to eat?
Everyday!

This is life!
This is living!

My dear chicken friend reminded me last week. There is no separation between work & play. There is only life. We shouldn’t have to invest in one to have the other. They shouldn’t need to be mutually exclusive things.

Life is life. It was given to us as our birthright to enjoy, explore, learn & play. Not to live by rules & patterning passed down from generation to generation. But the sad thing is, unless you don’t start to question, you will never learn any different, as we only know what we know. If we knew what we didn’t know, there would still be more that we didn’t know. And so on & so on, x’s infinity! Where does the mind go with the limitlessness of that!?

“We all know people who make a lot of money, but hate their work. We also know people who do not make a lot of money and hate their work. And we all know people who just work for money. A classmate of mine realized he did not want to spend his life at sea. Rather than sail for the rest of his life, he went to law school after graduation, spending three more years becoming a lawyer and entering private practice in the Self Employed Quadrant.

He died in his early fifties. He had become a very successful, unhappy lawyer. Like me, he had two professions by the time he was 26. Although he hated being a lawyer, he continued being a lawyer because he had a family, kids, a mortgage, and bills to pay.A year before he died, I met him at a class reunion in New York. He was a bitter man.

“All I do is sweep up behind rich guys like you. They pay me nothing. I hate what I do and who I work for.” “Why don’t you do something else?” I asked. “I can’t afford to stop working. My first child is entering college.” he died of a heart attack before she graduated. he made a lot of money via his professional training, but he was emotionally angry, spiritually dead, and soon his body followed.”

Whilst this story is extreme, doesn’t it hit hard? I mean, I’m sure we know people in our sphere’s like this right? Living the daily grind, surviving not thriving.

There is no blame or finger pointing here. This situation is what it is because we know no different, but is merely an opportunity to be open to reflect on HOW we could live differently? What would I really like to enjoy in my world? It can be a big question that brings forth a blank canvas. I know it did for me for a long time, I’ve only known that the old didn’t fit and I needed to move towards something new , un-created & unwritten.

In Bali I sit reflecting on, “what am I doing with my life?” I am reminded of how much I LOVED being a trainer and how empowered I felt. 10 years on, how it affects today – I competed in the ANB – Australasian Natural Bodybuilding Competition. I was at the pinnacle of my Fitness Career and loved working as a Personal Trainer in Sydney, Australia.

Today I recognize, along with my recent Canadian break-up, I have been affected, by seemingly having ‘failed’. Whilst intellectually I know I haven’t, I have an installed fear within, that has prevented me from stepping forth, again, owning something that I WANT. I WANT so much to feel this sense of joy & empowerment again, today I met my fear head on whilst speaking with my friend. I witnessed my fear in committing to something I want, for fear of not being good enough, worthy enough, not my path, for maybe failing again, etc etc.

You see, I had it all mapped out 10 years ago. I had a business partnership with another. We signed a 3 year lease on a commercial property to create a Holistic Health Centre. I was a successful trainer, and well on my way to graduating from my Diploma of Tranformational Coaching. This was what I wanted! I was 27 years old & I was doing what I loved! The sky was the limit!

In October 2006 I went into competition & placed 4th in Women’s Short Figure. It was a MASSIVE achievement! My coach suggested I stick at it as my physic was perfect for competing. Through this time, the relationship I was in ended and we parted ways.

Over the next duration of months, I continued to pour everything into my work and kept my training up, despite the next comp being another year away. The turning point happened after my Coaching Module – VISION QUEST. Where we undertake a sacred ceremony of entering into the bush from Dawn to Dusk – setting intentions for what we wish to let go of and welcome into our lives. I came away from that weekend with my mind blown & my energetic senses high. I’d gone down the rabbit hole & lost my way back out.

I entered depression for the next 2.5 years & as a result, everything I knew fell apart. My PT Business died, the friends I knew, fell away. I had high expenses based on my previous life & the mediocre jobs I was doing barely cut what was needed each week. I became a recluse hermit. My training faded and I lost who I thought I was.

I underwent therapy through this time & it was baby steps in the dark. I didn’t know if I was moving forwards, backwards or even if I was moving at all? Mostly I felt I wasn’t. Eventually as I pulled through, my confidence was shattered, and I took whatever jobs I could to survive. Personal Training felt so far from me, it was a distant object.

This was 2009/10, and ever since has been a gradual step forward.

Wrapido to Nature Care College. Nature Care College to lululemon. lululemon to Canada. Canada to New Zealand. New Zealand to Bali Silent Retreat.

Each role, each location, bringing me closer and closer to ME. The real & authentic ME. Each place, rich & full with life lessons & experiences not possible in a classroom.

Now, sitting here in Bali, after being ‘born’ from my 8 month Bali Womb, I sit and wonder what is next? There is no backwards, there is no sideways, there is only forwards. I am done being a paid employee, I am done being dictated with plans & someone else’s ‘to do’s’, I am done with being 2nd best!!!

NOW!

NOW!

I must step forward, I must face my fear of failure, I must feel it and step forward regardless.

I MUST.

I MUST.

After all, what is a life worth living if we haven’t truly lived?

I don’t know how to do this? I don’t know how to start again? I only know I have to. I have to!

So days ago, in fact the day after I wrote my previous blog, my life took a drastic turn.

I have been spending extended time in a Silent Retreat, on the magical island of Bali. It’s been a little over 8 months so far, hence my previous blog post. (You can read that blog here.)

Upon returning from Australia, I was met with changes in my exchange at the retreat, to which I decided to step up into. I imagined that there was a higher purpose for me being here, you know, to create something of my own contribution towards this retreat space and the hundreds of courageous souls who visit.

The next day, a whirlwind happened and I was let go! A mass of incorrect communications took place. Different perceptions of the same words, catapulted into miscommunication which resulted in this action. It was wild, it was crazy, there may have been some angry words said, all necessary in the transition of this lesson.

But the strange thing is, I am not upset about it. It feels right and I am in total acceptance that this was what had to happen. And so now I sit in a space much like the butterfly does, as she allows her wings to dry before taking flight into a new adventure.

Mostly I feel excited and optimistic, though occasionally I feel nervous.

I want so much to step into an exciting opportunity that nurtures my soul to the highest extent. I just want to get going, but equally flit with days of simply just needing rest and feeling exhausted. What a ride this is.

Today feels more optimistic. After a chat with a friend, I’m being reminded of processes akin to nature. These support me to accept what is and to not work against my own unfolding.

Se are human beings and we have an ego. The ego likes to know what is happening. I know mine does.

– Where am I going?
– What do I want to do?
– How will I have money?
– Do I put my energies into Be Your Own Guru?

All these questions and more are humming along in the background that I am acknowledging.

Still I wish to act from love. I wish to take action as & when it feels right. Acting from fear only gets in the way, and prevents what really needs to drop in to arrive and be heard.

I explored websites my friend shared, and worked on my primary values – to help manifest & gain clarity of my next step. These are the only steps available right now. This, and to honor how much my body needs rest. I nap each afternoon & am moving very gently.

One can only work with what is available & be in the dance of co-creation. Good things take time & everything has a natural rhythm.

These past few days have invited some deep internal reflection. It has been brutally confronting, inviting me to look at old untruths that I have been operating from. But first, these patterns wouldn’t have come to head, if I hadn’t have allowed myself to sit in a womb of Bali love for these past 8-9 months.

Like all good cycles, this one has been epic beyond explanation. Inviting in rich feminine nurturing and ways of being I have been unaccustomed to. I’m Heidi – I like to charge forward like the Sagittarian Adventurer that I am, making shit happen & tearing things up in my path. This time has welcomed a newer, upgraded version of Heidi, one who has richer compassion and deep nurturment for the feminine process and holding.

I have needed to spend time healing my heart after my breakup, and look at my underlying issues of worthiness that it brought up.

It is merely intuition that has taught me that these months have been a holding period. Much to my personal frustration of wanting to get on with life and move forward. After all, doesn’t it feel so satisfying to take action towards the things we want most in life? Look at us humans right now, we are so ADDICTED to being in action. Our very days are full to the brim with action tasks and duties. Not to many moments are filled with blissful nothingness, simply watching nature & counting our blessings on breathe. “Il dolce far niente.”

I’ve trusted my guidance and taken one step at a time, accepting the discomfort of what was, trusting that everything is in perfect order, despite it not looking like the order I wanted so dearly. After all, as the saying goes “we get what we need, not what we want.”

I’ve carried out tasks that I am good at, that have served me living this life – making a living – in exchange for accommodation, food & other additions that have allowed me to stay on this island of Bali. It has triggered my deepest frustrations to not be ‘in control’ of such simple matters. However it has been so satisfying to not have to conform to the basic demands of needing to earn real money, only to see the gross of it go off to things like rent, expenses, food, gas, loans and so on. I have been gifted a break from the rat race. An incredible opportunity to rest from such a Masculine/Yang way of living.

Still I was aware of needing to break from Bali. An opportunity to gain a fresh perspective. To see if leaving this island was what I needed to do to move forward, break free of the Bali bubble. A return break to Australia to spend time with my bestie was just what I needed. Time to drink all the coffee and eat all the chocolate with my friend, and to not consider the needs of the retreat and my personal frustrations with, “what am I doing with my life!”

Feeling unbiased either way upon my return – should I stay, should I go – I returned and initially felt no clearer other than experiencing a few UP days, which were so so welcome, the nurturing womb of Bali love had changed – I felt freer. But direction & purpose were still no more clearer. Hoping clarity would show up after some necessary conversations, I’d hoped options would become clear to me. This wasn’t to be the case. Foggier and foggier I became. I fell into a hole of darkness yesterday and experienced my lows in full force. Worthiness, lack, sadness, fear. I decided to hide from myself by watching a movie.

That evening I attended our Agnihotra Fire Ceremony which welcomes purging of old to bring about transformation, and how perfect for this New Moon Energy. Still agitation sat with me and I choose to leave before it was finished. I retired to bed and decided to again distract myself with something to watch online. I found an interview with Marie Forleo & Tony Robbins. I started watching it out of curiosity. He’s been around for years, but I have never felt any interest in him. However he has a movie set for release shortly titled “I am not your Guru”, which is on par with my Be Your Own Guru concept. I watched for a bit but felt uninspired.

Clicking on a different video of his, titled something like “how to control your emotions” thinking, this will be interesting. I am not for controlling my emotions, but giving them the space to be what they need to be, but figured he must know what he’s talking about given his status & duration of time in the Personal Development field.

I understand that every emotion is a message telling us that we need to change something. I get this. We listen to the message & go deeper into it to find the core underlying message. I get this also. What he teaches, after acknowledging what the core message is, there are one of two things one can do;
1 – Change your perception of what you are experiencing to change your feeling, or
2 – Take action preceding the situation.

I often have the tendency to sit in the emotion of what comes up a bit longer than needed. For example, the recent changes here have triggered my feelings of worthiness. So I feel into the feelings of lack of worth. Allowing it to be what is. It does eventually shift naturally, however it can be quite uncomfortable to be there for extended periods of time, as one might imagine. Perhaps this has to do with my emotional maturity – having cut myself off from feeling emotions at a young age? Perhaps making up for lost time, I don’t know?

This morning upon waking, I sat in my fog and asked “what do I do next?” I had been waiting for internal guidance to guide me, giving me some kind of inspiration. A clear indication around what action I needed to take. Up until recently, I’ve been getting nadda. This morning what came through was a message – “back yourself.”

What listening to Tony the night before did, was reminded me that I am in control. I am in charge of what I want to create. I looked at why I am feeling this way. I got really honest with myself. I knew I didn’t want to return into the same bubble that I was previously. So what was my resistance?

I had been so down on my self belief, that I thought that I couldn’t create what I wanted. I thought it was gone. That my purpose was in the hands of some greater force guiding me, dictating where I needed to go & be. I was reminded that the most rewarding time of my working life, was when I worked for myself. I was my own boss. I did what I wanted and the sky was the limit!

This memory reminded me that I can do that again!

I needed to internally choose. I needed to step up, to back myself. To choose that I want to work for myself. To accept the massive opportunity that I have been given here. Of course I don’t know how I am going to do it, or what I am going to do, I only know that I cannot go backwards. I have to encompass everything that I know and have integrated over the past 15 years and bring it forward into the now. Now is the time to do.

As soon as I made this decision, I took myself off for an ass kicking workout. I biked to some local stairs that I love pounding and pumped out repetitions of them. I was my own Personal Trainer. Edging myself forward to push through the mud into something new.

This was communicated with the Founder here & a very short time after, a guest booked me for a session! Such a perfect confirmation that I have made the right decision aligned to my highest good. In hindsight, what I’ve shared is so simple, but experientially one of the toughest processes to date.

There was so much richness in the womb of Bali love that I needed, to come from a new, perhaps more loving, compassionate nurturing way of being, that perhaps could not have been facilitated from my old way of being. We are no longer living head based lives; we need to align with our hearts true purpose in each moment. It is easy to charge forward from the head, but to come from the heart, that is truly living.

This living in Bali business really invites facing myself in a brutally honest way.
It has to be one of my most challenging rides to date. I think I consider leaving Bali almost daily.

It feels like the mask that once so craftily created, to hide an insecurity, is slowly peeled back or being dissolved. I am coming face to face with emotions real. Connected to old embedded thoughts that remind me of the young girl I once knew so well. The hopeless teenager who felt so down on herself she cried everyday after school. The young girl who was so self conscious she accepted that boys were attracted to her friends and not her. As her friends attended parties with said boys, it hurt her to not be invited, yet she never said a word.

These fundamental years shaped me. They set the tone, my blueprint for what I believe of myself.

Of course ADULT HEIDI understands better these days. But the reality is that she doesn’t always run the show. My self worth is in review at the present moment, and Adult Heidi has stepped to the side, holding space for this younger self to be seen. It ain’t comfortable. It’s not particularly enjoyable. But it’s real. It takes courage to meet yourself with your wounds exposed. But here I am. I am here because I want something different for myself. I don’t want to under value myself anymore.

I want to truly experience the Woman I want to be in the world. I don’t want to feel an achy heart for something I long for. I want to vibrate at such a frequency and know I already have love. I don’t want to feel a sense of unworthiness or shame at the thought of supporting others through their dark moments and personal journey. I don’t want to feel like my contribution in the world doesn’t matter or isn’t worth a worthy exchange that allows me to enjoy the fruits of life. I want to feel that I know I HAVE these. That I don’t feel a lack. A yearning. A wanting. I want to feel the sense of satisfaction that is available from having made a difference.

I know to well the heart ache of our planet and its people right now and I don’t know where to start? I really don’t. This image conjures – me yelling at others “pick up your trash”, like a teacher on duty during interval at school.

Peoples naivety hurts my heart! Why can they not see? Not understand the results of their actions? Their in-actions?! Where do I start? How do I matter AND live an enjoyable life meeting my needs? From here, where to?

The solution from my mind is not clear. I don’t think I can pull myself out of, something my mind created. The false lies. My false sense of self (worth). This is not who I am. It is a tee-taw established during childhood, one I believed. They are merely thoughts. The only way through is to face myself.

SELF DIAGNOSED PRESCRIPTION

What can one do with a thought? One can change it.
What invested interest do I have in believing I am not worthy? I have NONE!
This false belief does NOT serve ME!
It doesn’t make me happy!
It doesn’t allow me to thrive!
It makes me feel shit.
So, why do I hold onto it? Because it’s all I’ve known.
Am I ready to let it go? YES!!
And so, what is its replacement?

Parts of ourselves become present in our minds eye, we may never have had the pleasure of meeting before.

Much like how our Apps hum along in the background of our smart phones, so too do these parts of ourselves, our ego.

They use energy subconsciously, they have been magnetizing your very life experiences. Creating it, drawing situations closer & closer.
To create the very moment. This very moment… in Silence where you shall meet it.

This is the personal development path. To come to know yourself, to meet your untruth, to pave the way for THE truth, the truth of who you really are in the world.

So as you meet your yourself, your hidden subconscious, you receive the opportunity to meet who has been running the show. Your monkey mind creator – if you will.

They may not be pretty, but these separated elements of your psyche, created by experiences in life, during developmental stages;
Infant, Toddler, Adolescent, Teenage – pivitol moments that bonded themselves in our cellular memory.
Or perhaps deeper, older? Past Life, Generational Contracts, In Utereo… Who’s to say?

But you are here. You are brave. Courageous.

You are meeting YOU. Who you are manifest in the world.

Your journey.

All humans are seekers. Seeking our truth. From truth, we can make conscious choice. Choices in life, choices aligned to our greater good. Your greater good.

There is infinite wisdom connecting with your magnetic subconscious. It knows, even if your mind does not understand.

You can feel it.

And so, you know…

+ Before we meet these hidden parts of ourselves, we don’t even know they exist. They operate subconsciously, behind the scenes, but driving us. It is not until we are in Silence, or triggered by an external person or experience, that they arise to the surface.
+ If you need support in recognizing behaviors you know are not working for you.
Email or Message Heidi at www.heidifirth.com