I am unique. My friends like to say special. I'm not sure if they mean that as a compliment since they often snicker and point at a short bus when they say it.

Don't call me "dude".

Lewis Black learned sarcasm from me. He was my prize pupil and thus it was a proud day when the student surpassed the teacher.

Never poke a hurricane in the eye. They only have the one eye and it REALLY pisses them off.

I have been told that I look like a muppet in some of my pictures.

A friend of mine recently mentioned how glad he was to be into his mid/late-30s. He said it was nice to have the sex drive back off just enough to interesting things like learning how to cook. It just so happens that I started learning how to cook in that time frame as well. I am actually pretty good at this cooking thing, but don't worry, my sex drive is still healthy enough to enjoy some quality naked time.

I also brew beer. And I'm good at that too. So I can literally wine (as long as it's barley wine) and dine you all by myself. Some friends are even trying to talk me into starting a brewery with them. So I got that going for me.

I read fantasy novels and watch cartoons. There. I said it. Don't hate.

I take pictures. Artsy ones. I'm good at it. I swear I won't beg to take naked pictures of you, but if you're gonna twist my arm about it then I'll take one for the team.

So you probably noticed the Buddhism in that column over there. I'm not particularly devout (because booze and meat are yummy), but its basic message of balance with yourself and the world around you appeals to me. I don't hate Christianity. In fact, if Christianity is important to you finding balance in the world then I fully support and encourage you to keep on believing.

If it's not Scottish, it's crap!. . . And while we're on that particular topic: You got any Scotch?

What I’m doing with my life

My brother and I are from Czechoslavakia, even though no one can tell. We escaped during the '75 riots, by throwing many rocks at a Russian tank. We ran from it to come to America, but, boy, we gave up many things. Back there, we have a nice, groovy apartment, three cars and a summer house, which the government now owns! Back there, we have medical degrees - but here in America we must be salesman for decorative bathroom fixtures. There, we are brain surgeons!~Two Wild and Crazy Guys, SNL

I’m really good at

Posting stupid yet funny video and picture responses on Facebook.

The first things people usually notice about me

I'm dead sexy!

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

Books: I like to read. A lot! I also don't buy toilet paper, so the thicker the book. the better.

TV: I used to like the History Channel but then the rednecks took over and I began to worry about my fellow man.

Movies: Ooh! Ooh! I wanna watch another goddamn vampire movie!

Food: Yes please.

The six things I could never do without

David Letterman is retired. Top Ten/Six lists should be retired as well. I like too much stuff (much of it silly) to go making an ass of myself trying to make an arbitrary list.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

42

On a typical Friday night I am

The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals.~Sam Elliot, The Big Lebowski

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

My cat has more personality than most people.

You should message me if

You're not dead yet.Neither is your parrot.You did not have the salmon mousse.The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that you are to carry Excalibur.You believe that every sperm is sacred.You don't like Spam.You are not a witch.Your favorite color is blue . . . No! Yellow!Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

If you answered "no" to any of the above statements then it's off to medical experiments for the lot of you.