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Sunday, December 5, 2010

Great Moments in Bachelor/ette History: The Wrestler TipToes Through The Tulips

Ya see Aly, you gotta take a guy like this and choke him!

With the new season of The Bachelor fast approaching (season debut January 12th), I thought it'd be a good time to look back at some of the all-time greatest moments in the show's history. I also thought it'd be a good time to make Cream of Wheat, but we're out of milk. We're also out of Cream of Wheat. I guess it's probably a good time to go to the supermarket, but it's FREEZING outside and I'm out of clean long underwear. I guess maybe I should also do laundry, but now that's way too many things to do and I'm overwhelmed. I'm thinking of just running away.

Today, we will revisit an episode from Season 6 of The Bachelorette when Justin "Rated R" Rego tried to avoid both Aly and a Turkish hotel's catering staff as he attempted to leave the show and the country.

Before we do anything, are you aware that these two are currently a couple?

Great Moment: Tiptoeing Through The TulipsShow: The BacheloretteSeason: 6, the one with AlyIdiots Involved: Aly and Justin (aka The Wrestler aka Rated R aka The Guy With the Broken Leg aka A Guy Who Is Probably Now Celibate)

Early on during last season of The Bachelorette, Justin and his broken leg were quickly labeled by the other dudes in the house as "being there for the wrong reasons," the Bachelorette equivalent for the guy who "would also stab a puppy."

"Being there for the wrong reasons" refers to any contestant who seems to have put him or herself on the show for any reason other than truly wanting to fall in love. This could be to gain popularity for an outside venture, such as promoting an album or a business, to become famous, or just to have a good time. In the world of the Bachelor/ette, these people might as well be Nazis, pedophiles or Comcast employees. They are hated. Loathed. And it often becomes the personal vendetta of every other guy/girl in the house to out them, knowing that the Bachelor/ette will become disgusted and banish them from the show and the chance to go bungee jumping with five other ridiculous people all vying for the attention of a complete idiot who only has a 5% chance of parenting their child anyway.

After twenty seasons of the show (14 Bachelor, 6 Bachelorettes) only one couple has eventually married and been with child. One other couple also got married, but the girl was not the original choice of the Bachelor. One other guy got a tattoo of a heart with a lock around it and besides Ron Artest is probably the craziest person on the planet.

He brought his cones!

From day one, Justin had been mentioning his alter-ego / wrestling persona "Rated R" (similarly to "The Miz" from The Real World). Justin initially brought it up to explain his broken leg which was injured in a backyard wrestling league. The other men became suspicious and warned Aly that he might molest young boys.

Weeks later, their suspicions were proven correct when Justin was found out to have not one, but two girlfriends back home in Toronto and was most definitely using the show as a springboard for his wrestling career. Aly was DIS-GUS-TED and confronted him immediately in his hotel room in Turkey.

Also, in case you didn't hear, "The Miz" not only became an actual WWE wrestler, but just won the heavyweight title last week.

Gotta be honest, kinda thought The Miz would be working for Comcast at this point.

Instead of explaining himself, Rated R (now in a walking boot) limped to his room, grabbed his stuff and claimed like Doug, he was "outtttttaaaaaaaa heeeeeerrrrrrreeeeeeeee." Captain Limplestein then proceeded to exit the hotel while Aly stormed after him, DEMANDING an explanation. Limpy just wanted to escape and quickly found himself taking short cuts to elude Aly and their impending confrontation, hopping over the hotel's beautifully landscaped flower bed with the precision of a drunken teenager. It was as if he was on American Gladiators, trying to tightrope his way through obstacles while Nitro (or in this case, Aly) stood off to the side, arms folded, laughing, knowing he could not elude her. Eventually, after trying to re-enter the hotel through an auxiliary door (locked), Justin waddled back to Aly with his tail between his legs and eventually admitted his indiscretions.

Justin checks if the grass in Turkey is as soft as Kentucky Blue.

One night in college, my friend Feddd was confronted in the middle of the street by a girl who fancied him. I believe she wanted him to escort her back to her place, but Feddd was going through some stuff and didn't know what to say. Not knowing how to handle it, he turned around and ran.

Feddd (who is 6'5") sprinted down the street, not running anywhere in particular, while the girl ran after him. Feddd was eventually caught by her and was once again forced to confront her. I don't remember how it all ended, but I'm pretty sure that the girl is like four feet tall, which makes the story even better.

Regardless, The Bachelor/ette is probably the greatest television show ever and Rated R is actually a pretty decent name for a wrestler. And if you do a Google image search for "Justin Rated R", you can find SO MANY pictures of Justin Bieber with his shirt off showing off his little pink nips.

Rated PG-13

Whatever happened to the days when teenage heartthrobs looked like this?