Wednesday, April 3, 2013

There was a period of time after my last long-term
relationship ended when I was, to use a term from Girls, “flailing.” I had no
footing and no understanding of how to be alone. I’m not someone that deals
with things head on, so instead I let major events sink in over a few weeks or
months while I psychologically process them. Post-breakup, this manifested as a
desperate fear of being alone. For the last year, I’ve fought through that
swamp of indecision, and I’ve arrived at a place with a lot more perspective,
which I will share with you here.

(1)Repeat
after me: “I AM BETTER THAN THIS DECISION.”

This is really effing hard to learn, because
it requires you to have hindsight without actually having anything to reflect
upon. But the next time you want to go home with a guy you just met or text
your ex-boyfriend or wear a midriff-bearing top with denim shorts, say this 100
times, and then put on real pants.

(2)You’ll
never feel better than you do on the first day you’re happy to wake up alone.

Kelly Clarkson tells us that “the
bed is warmer / sleeping here alone,” but you know what? The bed is also
bigger. And it doesn’t care if you’re wearing ugly underwear, or if you washed
your hair yesterday, or if your alarm is going off too many times between
snoozes. Boyfriends are not inanimate objects, but beds are. Someday, I will be
thrilled to wake up every day next to someone wonderful, but right now I’m
perfectly happy to stretch out in my cupcake pajamas, take a deep breath of
morning air, and watch the newest episode of Mindy with my hair in a Mulan bun on the top of my head.

(3)Dates
are weird, terrifying, fun social experiments.

We all date in the hopes of finding the
perfect Ken doll, but in the meantime it can be fun to play with Mr. Potato
Head. How will you know what features you want unless you try them out first? I
went on this perfect date right before Christmas where me and this guy, we’ll
call him Ben, walked around our town’s central square and drank cider and
talked for hours, and that made me recognize some qualities that I really want
in a guy. He was athletic but also not afraid to nerd out with me about books,
had interesting hobbies that stopped short of creepy or obsessive, and had lots
of ambition and funny stories. Unfortunately, he was also five years older than
me and extremely interested in buying a house and getting married, which I am
not. So basically, I found Mr. Potato Head’s shoes, but the hat didn’t quite
look right. Dates are weird and strange and sometimes extremely uncomfortable,
but can be so much more fun when just viewed as exercises in trial and error.

(4)You
never know what great friends you have until you go through a breakup.

I always knew I had good friends, but after I
broke up with my ex, I realized that I have great friends. If I were still
dating him, I probably never would have realized the cynical bond and love of
fried food that Mandy and I share. I wouldn’t have discovered Julia’s love of
animated movies or had nearly as many wine and Bravo nights with Kate. I would
have talked to my boyfriend about all of the things going right or wrong in my
life, but instead I started divulging this information to my friends. I
realized what great, ridiculous, beautifully flawed people they are, and thank
goodness I didn’t wait another day to discover that.

(5)Being
single = so much more free time.

Looking back, I honestly don’t know how I had
time for a boyfriend. I spent half my time walking back and forth from his
house, checking in with him, telling him about my day, and washing his socks
that he threw into my hamper. Now, my schedule is otherwise exactly the same
but I can’t imagine devoting that much time to one person other than myself.
Maybe that means I became more selfish, but I think that’s fine. I know I’ll
make the time when someone good comes along again. Until then, I have dinner
with me and I just can’t cancel that again.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

I will openly admit that my eyes got a little moist when
Leslie and Ben got married last week on Parks and Rec. I will also freely say
that I love Leslie Knope. If there is one fictional character who I would want
to be my crack spirit guide, it would be her. Mostly because she would tell me
that crack is a terrible idea and I should throw that stupid junk away and go
for a run instead, which is great advice. But I also think that as a young
person just starting my career, I want to look to characters like her to
emulate professionally.

(1) She is incredibly respected and loved BECAUSE of her
all-consuming neuroticism.

Uptight characters in TV shows always kind of get a bad
rap—I’m thinking of Paris from Gilmore Girls, Angela from The Office, and
Monica from Friends. Sure, people love these characters and they always
ultimately reveal that they have this heart of gold or whatever, but people
love them IN SPITE of their neuroticism. People love Leslie BECAUSE she smothers
her friends, family, and enemies with exactly the same amount of pathological
energy, and she never apologizes for it.

(2) Similarly, she found love despite the fact that she is not
laid back.

Laid back people are always the ones who find love, because they’re
so open to new experiences and so unconcerned about how things will pan out.
(This is how I’m told laid back people handle things. I am entirely un-laid
back so I can’t speak from first person experience.) But Leslie found Ben, who
is just as neurotic in his own right, and they’re going to have delightful,
worry-ridden children who are smothered with care and affection. I think that
is beautiful.

(3) She is super enthusiastic about every task she tackles.

If there is one thing I learned as an intern, it is that
nothing will get you further than tackling any task you are given with an
unnecessary energy and pizzazz. Filing? I love filing. Updating spreadsheets?
Bring it. Leslie pays attention to every detail, and this is why she is great
at what she does.

(4) She doesn’t need to put others down to get ahead.

Leslie has a lot of co-workers, but she chooses to cherish
them rather than compete with them, and at the same time is not a pushover by
any stretch of the imagination. This works to her benefit because she gets
promotions with the support her colleagues instead of by stepping on their
toes. If she ever did step on their toes, it would be by accident and she would
immediately apologize.

(5) She is both feminine and a feminist.

This is a dichotomy that angers me. I consider myself a
feminist, because I am a woman and I like women’s rights. I also like pink and
wearing dresses and cute baby animals. I hate that in modern society, these
things often cannot coexist. Leslie is fiercely pro-women, and she fights her
battles with well coiffed hair and ironed clothes. Ten points.

(6) She’s nice even when she’s mad.

This is a hard thing to do, but she’s a classy broad. She
gets mad for logical, loyal reasons, or when people hurt her friends. She is
never irrational and never unjustified, and the anger is always rooted in love
for something.

(7) She likes waffles.

This doesn’t really relate to her career, but I just like a
woman who has a sweet tooth and isn’t ashamed to admit it. I love French fries,
you mad?

Pulling it whilst hooking up. The only
memory I have of hair pulling relates to not sharing my Ken doll with my
sister, and I don’t want to think about either of those things when getting
down with someone.

Stroking it. If you want a dog, get a
dog, but please do not pretend that I am a longhaired corgi. All that does is
make me think you’ll kill me in my sleep.

Brushing my hair out of my eyes. I
don’t know why I think this is so attractive. It feels gentle and caring, and
makes me think you just want an unobstructed view of my beautiful face.

ORDERING FOOD

Ordering for me. I love eating, and I
love choosing foods to try. You THOUGHT I wanted a salad? Nope, I wanted a
cheeseburger, you asshole. Are you calling me fat?

Being completely ignorant. I once went
on a date with a guy who had trouble ordering at Starbucks because “it was
too fancy.” He ended up ordering a frappe because it sounded like a
milkshake. Don’t be this guy.

Being a connoisseur without being a dick
about it. I love when guys ask what kinds of beer I like and then suggest
something I haven’t had before but might like to try. In my opinion, this is
up there in classiness with wearing a pea coat and knowing cool things at museums.

MEETING YOUR FRIENDS

Not introducing me at all, as if I am
not there or as if everyone in the room already knows me. Hi, I’m Casper the
friendly disposable hookup.

Make weird overages of ownership, like
physically clingy to me during conversations with others. In my mind, this
conjures a red flag for a Gollum/ring type of possessiveness.

A quick, “Hey guys, this is X. X, this
is Joe, Steve, Tom, etc.” will suffice. Why is that so hard?

RELATIONSHIP STATUS

Assuming. Not every girl wants to be
your girlfriend, Casanova. I probably don’t want to be your girlfriend, so
you should clarify. Boys and buses, kiddo.

Jumping the gun. Putting me in your
profile picture before we’re actually together. Inviting me on double dates
with long-term couples when I’ve known you for like three days. Ahh.

Handle this with a mature conversation.
Say it with me. Mature. Conversation.

WHAT YOU SAY IN BED

Words like slut and whore will get you
slapped, clawed, or excessively bitten, and not in the fun way.

Love. Do not bring up love in bed if we
haven’t discussed love when we’re both wearing clothes.

My name. What you like. What you don’t
like, but in a polite way. The occasional dirty but respectful remark. That
is a whole list to which you can refer in the future.

GIFT GIVING

An IOU. It is literally the same as giving me an
index card that says, “I only just barely care enough to write a few words on
this card so here, have this, and pretend it will eventually turn into
something better.”

An overly extravagant gift when we’ve
been dating for ten minutes. Thanks for the diamonds, I hope you like your
new t-shirt with a penguin ironically wearing sunglasses.

Something thoughtful, but small. The
best gift a guy ever gave me was a pair of earrings that exactly matched one
I lost the night we met. They cost him approximately seven dollars plus
shipping, and I still love them dearly.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

He could not just have an STD, but other non-venereal diseases. Like measles. I don't just want you to get an STD test but also a throat culture.

I want to see a valid driver's license, a school ID, proof of residence, an SAT score report, an assessment of your credit score, and 2 - 3 legitimate references.

Similarly, there is a very slim possibility that he went to the same college as me. Perhaps he went to a good college, but even so. In the real world, you don't have the comfort of knowing that you and whatever guy you're talking to were at least vetted by the same admissions committee. Oh, wait, you didn't go to college at all? Oh, you work at a Foot Locker?

We have few or no mutual friends, which means I have no knowledge of your backstory. Perhaps you fit all the previous qualifications and you're still a sociopath who is going to hit me with a shovel as soon as we leave the bar. Maybe I could love you despite your flaws, but before I make that decision I would like on have a firm grasp on what your flaws ARE.

Just being attracted to someone in college doesn't mean you should hook up with them, but just being attracted to someone in the real world doesn't mean you should hook up with them, go anywhere with them but a crowded public place, or give them any personal details more specific than a pseudonym.

If you run into the same guy all the time in college, that means you probably have similar schedules. If you run into the same guy all the time in the real world, he might be stalking you, and thus this level of crazy.

Along those lines, having no knowledge of your history means I have no way of tastefully researching your ex-girlfriends.

And so somehow, every conversation I have with a guy in the real world leaves me feeling like this:

It is generally my advice NOT to follow anything Hayden Pene-whatever tells you to do (she just looks like a bitch, amiright?). However, she is so right on in her song "Boys and Buses" from Nashville. So props to her writers for identifying with every 9-29 year old woman in America.

I had a broken heart and a broken heel

And a break down when those big old wheels

Left with him and left me in a cloud of deep old dust

I imagine the broken heel was a result of all the chasing after buses she had previously done. The broken heart was inevitably a result of another d-bag who said he loved her despite her oddly shaped body and terrible personality only to leave her [for a job, to take a trip, to be with another woman, to live with his parents, to "find himself"].

She was sitting there with her beehive hair

and said, "Honey that's a waste of good mascara."

She handed me a pink Kleenex, and I'll never forget what she said next

I love a good beehive. Especially when it is accompanied by fantastic advice. This woman has clearly been in the dating rodeo and has made it to the other side. She appreciates the value of good mascara and that a man who is willing to pack up and leave without you has no right making you look like a raccoon in a rainstorm.

Boys and buses got a lot in common

They both pick up speed when you try and stop 'em.

You could waste your breath, you could scream and cuss 'em

But there's no use chasin' after boys and buses.

This is not only an excellent lyrical metaphor, but also incredibly true. There's something about men - the more you show your interest, the less interested they become in return. The last thing that will get you a man back is tracking him down at a bus station and screaming for him not to go. That essentially translates to, "I need you to stay because we need to take our family portrait at Sears for the Christmas card! Say goodbye to your freedom!" We may just want someone to want us, to watch celebrity reality shows with us, and to be there when we wake up, but even this can be too much for some. In which case, DO NOT try to stop them. If he figures out he made the wrong decision, he can buy his own ticket back like the idiot he is.

She said, "Some leave with a guitar case,

some wind up at an army base.

Some ain't got much under the hood,

some roll it on out to Hollywood.

If you're dating someone who plays the guitar, they are probably going to leave you. I'm sure there's some empirical support for that. And yes, some ain't got much under the hood. In fact most of them don't. And if you're dating an actor...sweetie, just give up now. Especially if he's a musical theater actor.

But the cost is lost when the ticket's bought

and you can't catch what don't wanna be caught.

But when those tail lights start to dim

there's another one comin' right around the bend.

The cost: the gifts, the shared movie theater popcorn you paid for, the mental anguish spent trying to please his mother. You are not getting those back. Luckily, once they're gone you can invest in yourself. So you may never get that autographed poster of their favorite band back, but you will hopefully get some peace of mind. Or his new address to egg his house. The choice is yours.

Sometimes love and transportation

will spin their wheels and keep you waiting.

But anytime you think you've missed it

Just give it ten or fifteen minutes.

This is where Hayden really gets it right. No matter how much it hurts to watch someone leave, time heals all broken hearts. After some time, you'll hear the familiar sound and get excited, anticipating, hoping that this bus will be your bus, the one you've been waiting for. It always feels longer than it's actually been when you're waiting for the bus, and it's not always 15 minutes. But there will always be another boy (and bus) coming around, hopefully a little cleaner and more respecting of your attributes as a successful independent woman who values public transportation.