John Feehery: Speaking Engagements

Democrats Launch Own Inquiry Into Extremists

Posted on March 11, 2011

(Washington DC) House Democrats, concerned that their performance in the King Hearings may expose them to charges of being needlessly and dangerously politically correct, have decided to launch their own probe into the dangers of extremism that confront the American people.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi accused Peter King of “being too narrow-sighted and frankly too scared to take on the real extremists that bedevil the American people.”

Congresswoman Zoe Lofgren chimed in: “Anybody can go after the Islamic terrorists. But everybody knows about them. What about all the other extremists out there?”

According to a confidential source, Democrats plan to do a series of hearings on dangers posed by extreme sports enthusiasts, extreme eaters, extreme pack-rats, and a variety of other “extreme” Americans.

“Extreme sports figures pose a particular threat because they infect our youth with their crazy skateboard antics”, this source said. “Who is this red-headed guy who now appears in credit card commercials. They call him Shawn White, but do we really know where he comes from? That red-hair is no lie. He must be a red of some sort.”

Jerold Nadler is said to be especially concerned about extreme marathoners. “Every body knows that I don’t like to run. But this isn’t a jihad against running. This needs to be a sober investigation into people who keep running, and running and running. What are they running from? We need to know.

The Democrats also plan to investigate anybody who actually pays attention in church. “If the Republicans are going to go after Muslims, we are going to go after all of those crackpots who really believe in that superstitious mumbo-jumbo,” another source said. “What is good for the goose is good for the gander.”

Keith Ellison, who famously cried at the King Hearing because of the death of one Muslim at the 9/11 attack, is said to be especially eager to investigate extreme Yankee fans. Ellison, a Twins fan, sources say, hates the Yankees, and wants to put Peter King’s “people” on the hot seat. “King went after my brothers. I am going to go after his constituents, and see how they like it.”

According to one source close to the Minority Leader, the purpose of the task force is to show the American people that it isn’t just Muslim extremism that poses a threat to our security. It is anybody who has any kind of extreme thought. “While the Muslim community might seem to be a good topic to explore, everybody knows the threat that they pose. What about this other areas? Republicans won’t go there. We will. And we will show them how tough we are when we do these very tough hearing.”