by E. A. Jane

February 10, 2019April 29, 2019

DSM-5 301.83

There are a lot of words for what I am;markedly impoverished, poorly developed, or unstable self-imageto name but a few, and then we dig deeperchronic feelings of emptiness; dissociative states under stress

and sometimes it feels as if my brain is shaped like an hourglass
slowly sifting through constellations like ashesinstability in goals, aspirations, values, or career plansbuilding staircases just so we can look over the walls

before we come back to where we startedand anxious preoccupation with real or imagined abandonment;
close relationships often viewed in extremes of idealization and devaluation
and alternating between over involvement and withdrawal

it is all one long non-sequitur without interval
distracting from the process of laying brick upon brick without mortar
only to take the stones from the foundation
to start again elsewhere

emotions that are easily aroused, intenseno one told me not to look with my hands over my eyes
they didn’t say it was counterproductive at firstfeelings of nervousness, tenseness, or panic

but then again the blind are best qualified to lead the blindwith fears of excessive dependency and complete loss of autonomy
pessimism about the future; pervasive shame;
feeling of inferior self-worth; it is all very impractical still

acting on a momentary basis without a plan or consideration of outcomes; a sense of urgency and self-harming behaviour under emotional distress;
engagement in self-damaging activities without regard to consequences;
lack of concern and denial of the reality of personal danger

brains are like books; when read in reverse they scarcely make sense
except we like to imagine we can see patterns in the markings
we are all just amateur psychologists with the lights turned offthoughts of suicide and suicidal behaviour.