Is Your Relationship Stuck in a Rut?

What does it mean for your relationship when you find yourself stuck in a rut? A group of researchers decided to answer this question by examining how being bored now affects relationship satisfaction down the road.

Tsapelas and colleagues (2009) asked 123 married couples who had been married for seven years how often during the past month they had felt that their relationship was (or was getting into) a rut. They also asked them how satisfied they were with their relationships. Nine years later they came back and asked them again how satisfied they were. What do you think they found?

Results: Spouses who felt bored at year 7 were less satisfied at year 16. What is important is that boredom predicted being less satisfied down the road even when taking into account how satisfied people were at year 7. In other words, its not just that people who were bored were less satisfied to begin with, boredom actually led to further declines in satisfaction over the nine years. Okay, so boredom is bad. These findings aren’t gonna knock your socks off. But there were a few extra analyses they did that I thought were interesting.

First, the effect only goes from boredom to satisfaction, and not the reverse – so people who were less satisfied at year 7 weren’t necessarily more bored nine years later.

Second, we already saw that this wasn’t just due to the fact that people who were bored were already less satisfied in their relationships (since boredom uniquely predicted declines in satisfaction over time), but the authors also show that association between boredom and later satisfaction can’t be explained by feelings of tension or conflict at year 7. This means that people who were bored weren’t unhappy later on because they were in unhappy, tense and conflictual relationships to begin with, they were just bored.

So maybe we start to believe that this boredom thing is really happening, and maybe, even if its obvious, its useful to know. The next question that always comes to mind (to my mind, at least), is why? Why is boredom such a silent relationship killer? What is going on in these relationships over those nine years? The authors hypothesize (and find) that people who are more bored now become less satisfied over time because they begin to drift apart from their partner and report feeling less close to them.

The bottom line: Boredom is bad for your relationship. Boredom is bad because it may lead to drifting apart (and perhaps seeking excitement outside the relationship?).

In my next post: I’ll review research suggesting that the trick to maintaining closeness and excitement in your relationship is to engage in novel activities together (if you’re not back in two weeks to read my exciting review, I’ll assume you are out sky-diving with your partner).

This research always brings up a few questions for me. Foremost, I think there are people who don’t need “excitement” and are quite happy with a routine (and by people, I mean me). I wonder if they (I) experience the same ill consequences of being stuck in a rut. Perhaps they just don’t see the routine as being stuck in a rut and wouldn’t claim they were bored? In other words, I wonder if some people find sharing a routine together actually brings them closer? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

I think you make a great point at the end of your article. I also think that "boredom" itself needs to be better defined before we put too much stock in these studies. Are these people bored sexually or just bored with the daily/weekly routines that their partners prefer? Both present problems, but I feel like the latter is easier to solve. I think most of us eventually settle into a routine. This is only an issue if you and your partner are naturally interested in different things and have differing preferences in daily activities--then boredom will eventually creep in. The next question is what are YOU doing to change that...are you taking the lead in suggesting activities for the two of you to try? Are you attempting to try things that he/she might be interested in even if it doesn't seem interesting to you? I feel like so many people have high expectations about what they should be getting from their partner and from relationships in general, leading to a sense of dissatisfaction with someone that they (at one point) thought they couldn't live without, but take little ownership in what they could be doing to engage him/her more and what they could be contributing. It's a two-way street people. But sometimes we simply grow out of relationships, and that should be accounted for as well, I guess.

Interesting topic. I would have to agree that boredom is rather subjective (is it, or is it well defined in these studies?). I especially liked the very last part of your piece where you question this need for excitement and whether people who are content with routine feel these same effects on their relationships. I guess I liked it because I relate to it. I don't need to always be moving, doing things, trying new hobbies, or always mixing it up. I love my routines. I actually find a lot of content in being able to do my routines (and subsequently rather uneasy if I go an extended time where I am prevented from doing these). I guess my own obvious example is cooking dinner every night. I love to cook, I find joy in it. There is something satisfying (and this may be a guy thing) about being able to enjoy something you created. My fiancee, on the other hand, will say "we never go out anymore." We're a little opposite in the personality department in the sense that I'm rather introverted (gets drained easily when around a lot of people) and she is rather extroverted (energized when around lots of people). I am hoping the concept of "compromise" will keep us from falling into a rut, as we both have different ideas of what a "rut" would be. Perhaps, as you mentioned as well, if we share in partaking in each other's routines, via making efforts to satisfy the other's need to do "enjoyable" things, perhaps we will never get bored and fall into a "rut." I will look forward to further studies on the concept of "boredom" and how it relates to different people's interpretation of that concept.

I can totally relate, J. I am also an introvert (INFP to be exact) and I have dated people and had best girlfriends who are more extroverted and it can feel challenging sometimes to keep up. The extroverts I knew were not extreme polar opposites to me, though, and I feel like I fell somewhere near the middle of the spectrum with occasional extrovert tendencies, so our differences were there, but they weren't that pronounced. Large, loud crowds of people I don't know are not something that I ever consider fun, but I would try to compromise by suggesting things to do outside of the house or with other people, but just more intimate or deliberate activities. For example going to a museum, or having people over for dinner. My bf and I love to cook also--I think he likes it more than I do, actually. But it is nice that he shares this interest and although we don't cook every night, when we do decide to cook a meal, it is the main event of the day, from selecting a menu, to going and buying the ingredients, to choosing our background music, etc. We split up the tasks, with him usually doing the main dish/hard stuff, haha, and me doing the side dishes and prep work. Maybe there is some aspect of cooking that your partner could enjoy and help you with from time to time and maybe, in return, you could compromise and go out for dinner like once or twice a week. Date nights are super fun and important to a lot of women. As I mentioned, I am more prone to being a home body as well, but I love to get all dressed up and go out to a nice meal with my guy once in a while and going with another couple can be fun and not too overwhelming (and also remind you of why you guys are a good couple--or do the opposite, but hopefully not!). Good luck J! It is possible and even introverts can find activities around other people that are energizing, provided the people and activities are the right kind ;)