When I saw the trailers for this
bizarre film, which was actually made a year ago (they were waiting for an
appropriate time to release it), I knew it would be a hoot. All I could think
was Hansel and Gretel were abused by a witch as children, and now they’re
really pissed off and hitting back hard. And do they ever!

The movie starts with 3D flames and
pop-up book style representations of people, villages, forests and witches
being killed all to the tune of a glorious victory orchestration. It’s very
effective and fun to watch. Then we get the background story. As children,
Hansel (Eich) and Gretel (Boudodimos) are taken by their father (Scharff) into
the woods and told firmly to stay there as he leaves and blows out his lantern.
Believing he would return, the two obey for a while, but you know kids; they
have to explore. They find a cottage made entirely of candy. (And it looks
yummy: the circular door has a peppermint spiral and is surrounded by colorful
disks that are stacked like Necco Wafers, with the peaked roof dripping sweet
icing.) When they bang on the door nothing happens. But when they realize the
cottage is edible, the door swings open and they are sucked in. The hideous
witch (Ganderton) speaks only occasionally and mostly makes greasy creaking
noises, but she locks Hansel in a cage and sets Gretel to work starting up the
oven. Threatening to kill Gretel she forces Hansel to eat lots of candy to
fatten him up. From there you know the story – the witch winds up in the oven
and the two children are changed forever.

They are now adults (played by
Renner and Arterton) and are requested by Mayor Engleman (Bock) to return to
the village of Augsberg as heroes. They dress in black leather and have an
arsenal of incredibly ornate and versatile weapons (Gretel’s crossbow shoots
multiple arrows and can swivel to both sides sending arrows in two directions
at once) to continue killing witches. Sheriff Berringer (Stormare) is not happy
about the duo usurping his power and does everything in his power to discredit
them, especially when they thwart his plans to have Mina (Viitala) burned as a
witch. We find out at this point that Hansel is obviously diabetic from all the
candy he ate as a child and has to inject himself in the leg regularly using an
antique syringe. (The last time I saw one of these was in the Mutter Museum in
Philadelphia – I wouldn’t want to be jabbed by it.)

The story reveals that 11 children
have been swiped from the town by three witches, Muriel (Janssen), and her two
cohorts (Berdal and Kulig) with the assistance of their troll, Edward. (I would
have thought a troll might have a more exotic name.) Edward is huge and mostly
computer generated and bears a strange resemblance to Ed Asner. Two actors are
required to play him: Derek Mears and Robin Atkin Downes (voice only). Anyway,
in three days there will be an eclipse of the moon (the Blood Moon) and 12
children born in different months are needed by a crowd of witches at a Sabbath
at midnight to perform a ceremony that will make them immune to fire. The only
other ingredient needed is the heart of a White Witch.

Throughout the movie Gretel wonders
about their parents, but Hansel doesn’t want to discuss them. She gets a big clue
when the sheriff and his men ambush her and Edward saves her from them in an
unbelievably gory battle (he stomps the sheriff’s head flat among other
dismemberments). He then takes her to a place to dress her wounds and responds
to her inquiry of “why” with, “Trolls serve witches.”

Hansel and Gretel learn the truth
when they confront Muriel at their former home after learning the basement has
a witch grotto. Muriel tells them that their mother was a White Witch and the
townspeople found out about it. Their father brought them to the relative
safety of the forest as their mother was being burned at the stake. Upon his
return he was hanged in front of her. Their genetic heritage is why witches’
spells do not work on them. Muriel, though, needs Gretel’s heart for her
ceremony of the Blood Moon and makes off with her.

Meanwhile Hansel has his own battles
with witches and is helped by Mina (who, by the way, is a White Witch) with
whom he falls in love. She teams with him and Ben (Mann), a local boy who is the
biggest fan of the witch-killing duo, to thwart the Blood Moon ceremony and
rescue the children. Muriel manages to escape and they track her down to, of
all places, the Candy Cottage where Hansel tells Ben, “Whatever you do, don’t
eat the “f”in’ candy.” There is a final battle, Muriel is beheaded, and all is
well.

There is no way you can take any
part of this movie seriously. For instance: Grimm’s
Fairy Tales were published in 1812 and the Gatling Gun was invented in the
1860s, but Hansel had a very large one nevertheless. The amazingly large
shotgun he carried looks like a miniature of Napoleon’s cannons. No one in the
movie has a German accent, not even the mayor. The names Hansel and Gretel are
consistently pronounced correctly with German vowels, yet Augsberg is always
pronounced Awgsburg (very American). The dialoge is common and uninspired to
the extent of being hokey. Both Hansel and Gretel get to say, “You’ve got to be
“f”in’ kidding me!” when they see they’ve returned to the Candy Cottage. I found
myself chuckling to laughing out loud several times.

However, the musical soundtrack is
excellent. Without it there would be no white-knuckle moments in the final
battle. The special effects department had a carnival with the costume and
make-up departments in creating dozens of variously deformed and outlandishly
dressed witches. Some even looked like punk rock stars and others like sideshow
freaks.

But beware moviegoers! It’s not
over. At the end of this very silly flick, Hansel and Gretel, Ben and Edward
(sounds like a bad movie title in itself) join up to rid the countryside of any
other witches. Ergo, a sequel! (Rating: 2 out of 5 Martini glasses.)

Prandial

31 West 21st Street
(Between 5th& 6th)New
York

prandialnyc.com

Billing themselves as “an old school
bistro in the Flatiron District,” Prandial is just that. When searching for an
interesting spot to dine I found them on opentable.com billed as American cuisine. In my
way of thinking, any cuisine that cannot be pigeonholed directly as French,
Indian, Italian, German, etc. gets dumped into “American.” The word “prandial”
is defined as relating to a meal, and the people who work at this restaurant
make every effort to ensure you relate to your meal.

Upon arrival at the Captain’s
Station the perky smiling hostess led us to the perfect table in the back of
the spacious, airy, white-walled room lit by traditional old New York swags
with bare oak flooring and red Persian carpets. There was a short stairway down
to the bar from where we sat that revealed the black and white octagonal tiled
floor – also, very old New York.

Everyone was smiling and eager to
serve. A young man took my drink order and even approved my choice of Beefeater
gin in a Cosmopolitan over “tasteless” vodka. Later on, another server noted
how much I enjoyed it by suggesting he would try one after his shift.

The one page, two-sided menu
features Appetizers, Soup and Salads on one side and Entrees and Sides on the
other. It was a good thing I had a wonderful drink to mull things over because
there were many interesting choices to be made. The water and the bread plate
arrived promptly; the bread being the crusty fluffy kind I can’t resist with a
brick of sweet butter. I was also glad that, being between international trips,
my lovely dining companion had agreed to join me once again.

Still undecided, I asked for the
wine list, which consisted of several three-hole punched pages joined by metal
loops. I found the selection, as well as the prices, amazing, which made my
decision even more difficult. After several questions asked of Lorella (server
number three) however, the Vegetable Soup of the day – a delightful pumpkin
colored puree of several vegetables with an enticing aroma of spice – was the
first course. The many flavors it evoked were almost mind-boggling. The wine
was a personal favorite of mine, a 2009 “Green and Red” Zinfandel from Chiles
Vineyards – a nice full-bodied red with a spicy aftertaste. The appetizer was
Cockles and Chorizo – an inspired combination of old world and new with the
tiny clams garnished with even tinier cubes of spicy sausage in a light creamy
white wine, onion and olive oil sauce flanked by toasted bread. It’s nice to
look across the table at the look of approval on the choice.

The main course was (coincidentally)
Lorella’s favorite: Smoked Berkshire Pork Chop. This incredible piece of meat
was fully two inches thick and a hefty portion, well done and juicy inside and
caramelized on top. It was surrounded by delicate, crispy spaetzle and grilled
Brussels sprout halves, and crowned by a square of pickled watermelon rind. I
haven’t had pickled watermelon rind since my teens when a neighbor made it for
me. Generally I like my pork on the pink side but I was still amazed at how
evenly this filet was cooked, and yet not dry in the least. The spaetzle could
have been fluffier (I remember my aunt’s Hungarian version fondly) but it
served its purpose.

After all this good food, the
decision to combine dessert and drink into one was an excellent idea. The
Coffee Parfait capped off the dinner nicely with a satisfyingly creamy
experience of both coffee and pudding.

Prandial gave me such pause to think about choices that a return
visit is almost mandatory. I definitely want to “relate” to my meal again.