South Park is an animated series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central since 1997, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado. In relations to Comedy Central, it is easily their most popular show, or at least one of the most popular; its popularity early on made Comedy Central into a standard channel that was viewed by thousands of people every day. The show is infamous for its profanity and other controversial elements.

Kyle: Well, it looks like she's not going to show up Stan. Let's go look for the visitors, now.

Stan: But her note said she'd be here.

[Wendy appears out of nowhere]

Wendy: Hi, Stan. wanna catch. [Stan sees Wendy then throws up] Eww!

Kyle: You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do.

Wendy: But why Stan? Don't get involved, your vomit herself.

[Stan tries to hold on, but he vomits instead]

Wendy: Eww!

[after seeing a crop circle on the news that looks just like him]

Cartman: Hey, that kind of looks like...Tom Selleck.

Kyle: [speaking to aliens] V-Visitors? This morning you took my brother, Ike. [sad, dramatice music begins playing] He's a little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away, but I've learned something today: That having a little brother is a pretty special thing. Aw, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have to give my brother back to me...it sure would make my life brighter again. [turns back to aliens]

Stan: That was beautiful, dude.

Kyle: Did it work?

Stan: No. They're leaving.

Kyle: Hey, you scrawny ass s***! What the f**k is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of f***ing asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!

Stan: Whoa, dude!

Kyle: You know what you f***ers like?! You like to [beep] and [beep] and [beep] and [beep] and [beep] and [beep]!

Stan: Hey Wendy, what's a f***?

Stan: Thanks for your help, Wendy.

Wendy: Whatever, dude. I promise me you'll be here.

Stan: Hey, I didn't throw up.

Wendy: Cool! We're always be together.

[She's happy now. They both look at each other like they're going to kiss, and romantic music plays. Wendy puckers up. Stan gets queasy]

Stan: My uncle Jimbo says that after this he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.

Kyle: Wow. That'd be cool.

Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.

Stan: I don't want to shoot the bunny.

Jimbo: No nephew of mine is gonna be a tree-hugger!

Cartman: Yeah, hippie! Go back to Woodstock if you don't want to shoot anything!

Barbrady: Okay people, listen up. As we near the top of the mountain, the chances of our encountering some lava becomes great. Therefore, I have special ordered this training film to assist us in volcano safety. Mr Garrison, if you would, please?

[Garrison turns on the movie projector to watch a 1952 training video called Lava and You.]

Instructor: Harbingers of sorrow, natural disasters can be the cause of troubling and undesirable stress—and a volcano is no exception. But what should you do if a volcano erupts near you or your family? Here, we see the Stevens family enjoying on their picnic. But suddenly, daughter hears a noise: it's a volcano. Junior seems worried—but have no fear, Junior. Jane learned in school what to do when you hear a volcano erupt. [Jane uses a picnic blanket, covering her family] That's right, Jane—duck and cover. [lava passes through blanket, leaving family unharmed] So what will you do when you hear a volcano erupting? That's right, duck and cover. Looks like you got the idea. Duck and cover. Thank you and goodbye. [end of film]

Barbrady: Okay, any questions?

Chef: That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pig crap I have ever seen!

Mr. Garrison: Gay people? Gay people are evil, right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?

[During football practice, with Stan as quarterback and Chef coaching]

Stan: Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut -

Chef: HIKE THE DAMN BALL!!

[Meanwhile at Middle Park Elementary...]

Jimbo: Come on, Ned, and keep quiet.

Ned: Okay. [They climb over the fence and encounter...]

Jimbo: Hello, Enrique.

Ned: What are we doing here?

Jimbo: Well Ned, we always kidnapped Middle Park's mascot. But this year we're gonna booby-trap it instead. [puts bomb on Enrique's back] And when John Stamos' older brother hits that high F in "Loving You", boom![Enrique gets wide-eyed] No more Middle Park players. [Enrique starts to tremble. Jimbo and Ned laugh victoriously] Goddamn, I love football.

Mrs. Crabtree: Oh. I'm sorry, little girl, but you still can't get on. You have to take the Special Ed bus.

Kyle: Stan, you can use family love as a weapon against Shelley. The next time she's gonna kick your ass, just tell her "Shelley, you're my sister and I love you."

Kenny(muffled): And I want to see you handling your breasts.

Stan: Sick, dude, she's my sister!

[Kyle's elephant and Cartman's pig get ready to make love]

Chef: Now children, gather around, and watch the wonders of life. The beauty of Mother Nature.

[The pig is heard squealing loudly]

Stan: Ahh, suck!

Cartman: Fluffy!

Chef: Hmm, now I know how all those white women must have felt.

Cartman: If a woman did that to me, I'd be all like, "Hey, why don't you stop...dressing me up like a mailman and making me dance for you, while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know on your dad's bed!!!"

(the trio stare at Cartman in stunned silence)

Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?

Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.

News broadcaster: It appears that the horrible, destructive creature is actually 8-year-old Stan Marsh of South Park. When asked why he was wreaking such havoc on his hometown, the little boy replied, "Me Stan, bachump, ba-chewy-chump, ba-chewy-chump." Back to you in the studio.

Stan: If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom I'd be a big fatass too!

Cartman: That's right!

[Cartman realizes he's been insulted]

Cartman: AY!

Cartman: Oh, really? Gosh, where could I have put Pip's invitation? Oh, yeah, now I remember! I shoved it up my ass! Yeah, I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and, whoop! Shoved it up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party. Sorry, Pip old chap.

Mr. Garrison: And where are you from, Damien?

Damien: The seventh layer of hell!

Mr. Garrison: Oh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama.

Pip: Oh, good day, Damien. My name is Phillip, but everyone calls me Pip, because they hate me.

Stan: You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials but people on TV are as real as you or I.

Tom: Yes, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage, all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. [makes disgusting noises of bone and blood]

Mr. Garrison: Arrgh!

Tom: By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?

Mr. Garrison: [throws up] Stop! That movie was terrible!

Tom: I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest and I'll check on you a little later.

Mr. Garrison: Sat through that entire movie to see the alien and it was her goddamn father!

Mr. Garrison: I'm going to do what I've always wanted to do: hang out and screw hot chicks!

Wendy: Stan, we're still Valentines, right?

Stan: Sure, Wendy, whatever.

Wendy: Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?

Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.

Wendy: I couldn't help but notice you've taken a liking to my boyfriend Stan.

Ms. Ellen: Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life...

Announcer: Since the last South Park, you've waited four long weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is. Now, finally, the shocking truth about Cartman's lineage… will not be seen tonight, so that we can bring you the following special presentation.

[Terrance farts]

Phillip: Terrance, you farted in court!

Terrance: Yes Phillip, I'm making a case for our defense!

Scott: Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God! J'accuse, Terrance!

Terrance: Would you like a monkey claw, Phillip?

Phillip: Yes please. [Terrance farts]

Terrance: That's called the Monkey Claw because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys!

Phillip: The Monkey Claw was smelly.

Terrance: Scott really hates us, Phillip.

Phillip: Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.

Terrance: But we're not gay, Phillip.

Phillip: We're not?

Scott: I hate you more than ever, Terrance and Phillip! I absolutely abhor you both! [starts waving his arms in front of them; pause]

Phillip: What are you doing, Scott?

Scott: I'm wishing cancer upon you!

Phillip: Cancer?

Scott: That's right! I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind!

Terrance: [hides behind Phillip] Agh! Stop that!

Phillip: Don't give me cancer!

Scott: I hate you both and I wish you had cancer!

Phillip: Cancer?

Scott: Yes, in the head.

Terrance: Head cancer?

Scott: This is not the end, Terrance and Phillip! You'll rue this day!

Scott: What are you idiots doing?

Terrance: We're searching for treasure!

Scott: Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can't be described?

[Officer Barbrady, who is at the time illiterate, finds a note saying "another chicken gets it tomorrow." He is then asked what it says]

Officer Barbarady: Oh, it says... "Sorry I had sex with the chicken! I won't do it again, bye-bye!" Well, there you have it, case closed.

Officer Barbrady: Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical, but then I read this: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of its garbage, and because of this piece of shit, I'm never reading again.

Stan/Kyle: Hooray for Barbrady!

Cartman: For my book report, I read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?

Mr. Garrison: No, I can't say I have.

Cartman: Oh good. In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical camel, which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it. I give it a B-minus.

Mr. Garrison: And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit down!

Cartman: Goddammit!!

Mayor: The Chickenfucker struck again last night.

Kyle: Oh, no!

Officer Barbrady: Oh Mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the "chickenlover."

Mayor's assistant: This time he made love to Carla Weathers' prize chicken. She's catatonic.

Barbrady: Who? Carla Weathers or the chicken?

Randy Marsh: Uh yes, officer?

Cartman: I clocked you at 40 mph back there. Do you know what the speed limit is heyah?

Randy: Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 mph.

Cartman: Step out of the car, please, sir.

Randy: Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?

Cartman: Sir, step out of the car, please.

Randy: Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.

Ms. Crabtree[slams the brakes on, opens a box, and pulls out a bunny] Okay, that does it. Y'all be quiet or the cute little bunny dies!! [points a gun at its head. The class gasps and look at her for a while. Sure that she has made her point, she puts the bunny back in the box and resumes driving]

Stan: Dude, she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny, but I wonder if she ever would.

Kyle: Oh, she would, dude. She would.

[the bus comes to a halt at a road block]

Ms. Crabtree: GOD! [a sign says "Road closed due to avalanche"] OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! [another sign says, "Detour at your own risk." She starts up the bus and takes the detour]

Ms. Crabtree: [spins around] WHAT DID YOU SAY?! [turns back around just to see the bus head for a road shoulder where the road starts to turn] Whoa-oh. [she slams the brakes on, but the bus goes over the shoulder and tumbles down the side of the hill] Oh, my God!!! Aagggh! [the kids tumble all over the place and scream, but Cartman just munches away on the cake, quite undisturbed. The bus bounces on the bottom of the hill and lands on a river upright, floating on down]

Kids: Aaggh!

Kyle: I'm scared!

Ms. Crabtree: Be quiet, kid!

[the kids look back at where they were as the bus continues down the river, and over a waterfall, straight down]

All: Aggghhhh!

Cartman: [finished his cake] All gone.

Ms. Crabtree: SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP! [students groan in pain] I SAID QUIET, OR ELSE I'LL KILL THE BUNNY!! [students notice and are immediately quiet]

Mrs. Crabtree: Don't get off the bus or a big scary monster will eat you! [she gets off the bus]

Mr. Garrison: Oh, oh, that old thing? Why, I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat.

Stan: That's good.

Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat is just a puppet.

Kyle: Yep.

Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat isn't real.

Stan: Right.

[Flashback scene to when the boys were toddlers, and are playing with fireworks. Stan and Kyle set off a little rocket, to their amusement. Kenny is holding a firecracker, and blows his head off.]

Stan: O god kill Kenny!

Kyle: You bastard!

[Rats converge on baby Kenny's headless corpse.]

[Chef was vacationing on an island while the snake ravaged the country. After blowing the snake up, the townspeople are seen trying to clean up the mess, but as a result of all the ash in the air, it looks like they're all black]

Chef: Okay! Everybody get into line, so I can whoop all yo' asses!

[The snake breaks down Jimbo and Ned's cell wall]

Jimbo: Holy crap, what the hell is that?

Ned: It looks like my ex-wife!

[The boys have called Chef for advice on how to deal with the Ash Snake]

Tom: Well, how about we explore our sexuality? [they start to make out]

Cartman: I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor ass losers like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.

Stan: Well, at least I'm not gonna die from it, which you might! [giggles]

Shelley: If I die from this, I'm taking you with me!

[...]

Stan: I don't wanna watch this! I wanna watch Terrance and Phillip!

Shelley: We're watching this!

Stan: Well I got the remote, bitch! [giggles]

Kyle: Cartman, you remember how we all spent the night at Kenny's a couple of days ago?

Cartman: I remember frozen waffles with no side dishes.

Stan: Cartman, our parents sent us over to catch chickenpox from Kenny.

Kyle: Yeah, dude, your mom wanted you to have herpes on your face.

Cartman: She what?!

Stan: It's some kind of parental conspiracy. Our parents are trying to kill us or something.

Cartman: That bitch! I'm gonna go downstairs and kick her square in the nuts!

Kyle: No, no, no. Come on fat-ass, we're gonna get them all back.

Randy: Will he be okay out of the hospital?

Dr. Doctor: Oh sure, sure. But we have to get him back soon. If he doesn't get his antibiotic shot today, he could die.

Sharon: DIE!??

Dr. Doctor: Yes, die. It won't be any easy death, either. The chickenpox will slowly move down his trachea into his lungs.

Randy: Okay, well well, let's go look—

Dr. Doctor: As he chokes for breath, the pox will move through his inner ear, into his brain, making him think he's David Duchovny.

Sharon: Oh God, no!!

Randy: I'ma-I'm sure he couldn't have gone far.

Dr. Doctor: Now moving on all fours and wheezing uncontrollably, his cellular structure will regress into a gelatinous mass of—

Gerald: [reading] "'My Final Solution' by Kyle Broflovski. My dad is the smartest guy in the whole wide world. He has taught me that all poor people are actually things called clods. I wanna live in a world of only gods so my idea to make America better will go ahead and I can put all the poor people into camps." WHAT!? "If we get rid of them, there will be nothing but rich people, and there won't be any hunger, poverty or homeless people, 'cause they'll all be dead. The End." Oh God, what have I done?

Roy: [tormented] When will you let me in? When will you let me love you? [normal] Now get your ass down here and help me!

Stan: You suck, Cartman! If you want to play America vs. Bosnia anymore, you can just play with yourself!

Cartman: That's fine! I like playing with myself! I'll play with myself all day long!

[Kenny laughs]

Cartman: What?

Sharon Marsh: What are you doing, sweetheart?

Stan: Getting a cookie. We're building a clubhouse and--

Sharon: You men are all alike. First you get a cookie and then you criticize the way I dress, and then it's the way I cook. I suppose next you'll be telling me that you need your space and that I'm sabotaging your creativity. Go ahead, Stanley, get your goddamn cookie!

[she leaves]

Stan: Okay.

Wendy: Kiss Bebe on the lips.

Kyle: What? I'm not kissing a girl!

Stan: Go on, just close your eyes.

[Kyle hesitates, then relaxes. Bebe moves forward and plants a kiss on his lips]

Kyle: [grabbing him by the collar and talking through gritted teeth] Because you spent all of our money on those stupid rides, fatass! Now either you ride this bull or I'm gonna rip your fucking head open!

Chef: Two million dollars?! The only way I can raise that kind of money is by whorin' myself to every woman in town!

Kyle: Wow! Elton John's house is bigger than Cartman's ass!

Cartman: No it isn't, you guys.

[repeated line]

Record Exec: I am above the law!

Johnnie Cochran: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it: That does not make sense! Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberatin' and conjugatin' the Emancipation Proclamation, [approaches and softens] does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.

Johnnie Cochran: Look at the monkey! Look at the silly monkey! [jury member's head explodes]

Kyle: Dude, why is your store called the Indian Burial Ground Pet Store?

Shop Owner: Well, there was an Indian burial ground here before I bought it.

Stan: So you just built your store on top of an Indian burial ground?

Shop Owner: Hell no! I dug up all the bodies, pissed on them, and then buried them again upside-down.

Kyle: Why?

Shop Owner: Why? I don't know why, I was drunk!

Kyle: Did you get the pumpkin, Kenny?

Kenny: Uh-huh. [puts a squash on the table]

Cartman: What the fuck is that?

Kenny: It's all I could afford!

Evil Cartman: [singing]You guys are my best friendsThrough thick and thin, we've always been togetherFour of kind, having fun all dayPallin' around, and laughing awayJust best friends, best friends are we!
I love you, guys.

Reporter: This is Robert Pooner reporting live from Nebraska, where escaped convict Charlie Manson has walled himself up in a house. We understand that there are hostages and that the situation is critical, so we would like to remind you all that this live hostage crisis is being brought to you by Palmoral Sun Block. If it ain't Palmoral, you're gonna get cancer.

George Bailey: You can't go around buying people off, Mr. Potter. Do you know what you are? You're a little bitch. That's right, you're a bitch and I bet you'd like to suck it, now wouldn't you?

Mr. Mackey: I am tired of seeing you in my office, young man! You get sent here every day, Craig!

Craig: I know.

Mr. Mackey: Why can't you behave?

Craig: ..I don't know.

Mr. Mackey: What do you have to say for yourself? [beat] Well, I tell you what, young man. Uh, you're gonna be held back a grade if you don't luh— [Craig flips off] Did you just flip me off?

Craig: [lowering his middle finger] No.

Mr. Mackey: Yes you did, you just flipped me the bird! Now see, this is exactly what I'm talking about! If you don't shape up, m'kay, and get your head straight— [Craig flips off again] There! You just flipped me off again!

Craig: No I didn't.

Mr. Mackey: Yes you did! And until you stop flipping people off, you can just go back to the waiting room! M'kay? Next! [as Craig leaves, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman enter] Well, well, well, if it isn't Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Eric.

Kyle: Hey, Craig!

Cartman: Hey, don't flip me off, you son of a bitch!

Stan: Ah! A snake!

Kyle: No, dude, that's a branch.

Stan: Oh. Ah! It's a snake!

Kyle: No, dude, that's the same branch again.

Stan: Ahhhhhh!

Miss Stevens: Stan, what is it?

Stan: Snake! [points to a snake, everyone gasps]

Pablo: Oh yes, this is what we call a coral snake. Notice the red markings. Quite an amazing creature.

[Stan screams and runs away]

Pablo: What's the matter, little boy?

Cartman: He's a little wuss, what's it look like?

Stan: I'm just scared of snakes.

Pablo: Now, now, you must remember. This snake is more afraid of us than we are of it.

Kelly: Yes, I live on the opposite side of the country, and when this choir tour ends we'll never see each other again and I'm only going to get my heart broken I just can't get feelings for you. I just can't, Lenny!

Kenny: [frustrated] Awwwww!

Cartman: Mister! You gotta help me, I'm starving to death!

Worker: What are you doing out here, little boy?

Cartman: I was with my class, and we got all lost in the rainforest and I need some food; I'm fading fast.

Worker: Lost in the rain forest? Oh my Lord! Where are all the others?

Cartman: Food! I have to have food! [collapses]

Worker: Oh my God! Get this child some food quick!

Cartman: [lifts his head up] Chicken wings.

Worker: Chicken wings!

Cartman: [lifts his head again] Medium spicy.

Kelly: [crying] Oh, stop! I wanna go home! I hate the rainforest!

Kenny: [stops and hugs her] Come on, it'll be all right.

Kelly: Oh, Lenny, hold me. Oh no, I can't get attached to you. Oh, but I do like you. But I'm only going to get my heart broken.

Kenny: [frustrated] Aw, FUCK YOU!

Kelly: Lenny, if we make it out of this, I wanna be your girlfriend, even if we live on either side of the country, I don't care. [moves over to cuddle Kenny. Kelly attempts pick her nose, which proves difficult because she is tied up]

Kelly: Okay, Lenny, in order to keep up our long-distance relationship, we have to call each other every other day.

Kenny: Okay. [lightning bolt strikes him]

Kelly: Lenny! No!

Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

Kyle: You bastards!

Kelly: What? Who killed him?

Stan: Uh, they did.

Kelly: Who's "they"?

Stan: You know, they.

Kyle: They're, they're bastards.

Kelly: Well, don't just stand there, help him.

Kyle: Help him?

Kelly: Argh! [pounds on Kenny's stomach] Breathe! [gives him CPR] Breathe! [pounds on his stomach some more] Breathe you son of a bitch! [Kenny coughs]

Kyle: [shocked] Whoa, dude!

Stan: Ms. Stevens, you have a bug on your back.

Ms. Stevens: Oh, could you swat it off? [turns around to reveal giant fly on her back]

Stan: No...

Cartman (Whacking a Three Toed Sloth with a stick) Bad! That's a bad three toed sloth!

Priest Maxi: Now, let us pray. Lord, though we have lost Neil Smith to free agency and Steve Atwater to the Jets, still, we hope our beloved Broncos can bring home another Super Bowl championship, and once again bathe in the glory of your light. Amen.

Priest Maxi: Good. Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?

Stan: The what?

Priest Maxi: It's like a skit, where you re-enact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Mr. Derp: Aren't I a great character? My antics go right to the funny bone!

Mr. Garrison: And never let poontang come between you and your friend!

Chef: Damn right, Garrison!

Stan: Excuse me, we're looking for Chef.

Woman at front desk: Chef?

Kyle: He's a big guy with a beard.

Stan: And a chef's hat.

Kenny: And a real huge dick.

Woman at front desk: Oh, the black guy.

Stan: huh?

Chef's Father: Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?

Stan: You're Chef's parents?

Chef's Mother: Yes, all his life.

Kyle: [in a hurry] We have to talk to him!

Chef's Father: Well, he should be out now directly.

Chef's Mother: He's so excited about the wedding now.

Chef's Father: Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness Monster?

Stan: No, that's okay.

Chef's Father: Ooh, it must have been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of the sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic Era, comes out of the water.

Chef's Mother: We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat, and I said, "Thomas, what on earth is that creature?"

Chef's Father: It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes...

Chef's Mother: Oh, it was so scary!

Chef's Father: ...and I yelled, I said, "What do you want from us, monster?" And the monster bent down, and said, "I need about tree-fitty."

[After writing a suicide note, Mr. Adler lies on a conveyor belt and it takes him feet-first to a buzz-saw, which he hopes will kill him]

Mr. Adler: Jesus Christ! [sits up and repositions himself to go head-first] What was I thinking? That would've hurt like hell!

Cartman: I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your mom.

Craig: Nope! [slams the door shut]

Cartman: [surprised] Goddammit. [knocks on door again. Craig answers again] Oh, I guess you don't want to hear what he had to say about your guinea pig?

Craig: Said what?! What did he say about Stripe?

Cartman: Oh nothing, just that you stick it up your ass before you go to bed every night.

Craig: That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!

Wendy: I requested to be in shop class, but they sent me here.

Home Ec. teacher: That's right, Wendy. You see, some of you girls will go on to have interesting jobs and careers. But all of you pretty ones won't have to worry about that, because you can marry a nice man. And that's why we have home ec.

Home Ec. teacher: Richard, aren't you going to invite me in?

Mr. Adler: Why?

Home Ec. teacher: Well, I thought maybe you would at least at-tempt to make love to me tonight.

Mr. Garrison: Now, wait a minute. I wanna clear the air here. We all know that pigeon was a whore. Raise your hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon? [everybody around him raises his or her hand] Oh, whatever!

Department of Interior Guy: Young man, we're making you an honorary Department of Interior person. You are officially in charge of South Park's fish and wildlife. You have authority over all of them.

Cartman: Is sexual harassment when you're making out with a girl and a guy tickles your balls from behind?

Mr. Garrison: No cartman, That's not sexual harassment

Gerald: You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal, democratic society. And democrats make sexual harrassment laws. These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace, and what we can and can't do in the workplace.

Kyle: Isn't that fascism?

Gerald: No, because we don't call it fascism. Do you understand?

Kyle: Do you?

Sexual Harrassment Panda: When one Panda puts his furry little willy in another Panda's ear, that makes me a saaaaaaaaad Panda.

Sexual Harrassment Panda: How would you like a big Panda punch in your puss?

Skeeter: Hey Panda Bear! We don't take kindly to your types around here.

Bartender: Now Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody.

Skeeter: No! I wanna know something from Mr. Panda Bear here. If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet, how come you only eat bamboo which is prone to grow in dryer, more arid regions?

Skyler: Okay, check check, check, 1, 2, check. Okay, ready? All right, let's try the new song. This is a song I wrote for you, Shelley... When I saw her walking down the street, I thought she was Shelley, Shelley.

Cartman: Aw, man, you guys suck.

Skyler: Now that we're together I'm absolutely sure that she's Shelley, Shelley.

Cartman: You're the crappiest band I have ever heard!

Skyler: Move into my mom's house with me, Shelley, Shelley.

Skyler: I pledge allegience...to the flag...of the United States of...Shelley, Shelley!

Butters: Oh dear God, they're gonna set us on fire. Oh great Jesus son of Mary, wife of Joseph! What are we gonna do, huh? Oh sweet Joseph, husband of Mary but not father of sweet Jesus.

Pip: We were just playing a game called Wickershams and Ducklers. Do you want to play?

Stan: No.

Pip: I'm the head Wickerknicker. And you are all little Wickershams. We all sing the merry tune of Stratford until I yell, "Turrah!" and then you all fall down laughing, and I join you, as I find it funny too.

Jimbo: We're all a little gay.

ATF Agent: We're not gonna let them commit suicide, even if we have to kill them.

Cartman: Yeah, but where's that crappy song coming from? Could you turn that off?

[Marvin turns off theme music]

Stan: Yeah, that's better.

Missionary: An alien race? Have they heard the word of Christ?

Cartman: No, never! It's perfect!

Cartman: Isn't the name of your planet already Marklar?

Chief-Marklar: We on Marklar call all things, people and places Marklar.

Kyle: Isn't that totally confusing?

Chief-Marklar: No, not at all. Hey! Marklar!

A Marklar in the crowd: Yes?

Chief-Marklar: See!

Sign on seized spaceship: PROPERTY OF U.S. GOVT. THANK YOU

Kyle: Wait, I think I can explain this whole thing. Marklar, these marklars want to change your marklar. They don't want this marklar or any of these marklars to live here because it's bad for their marklar. They use marklars to try and force marklars to believe their marklars. If you let them stay here, they will build marklars and marklars. They will take all your marklars and replace them with marklar. These marklars have no good marklar to live on marklar so they must come here to marklar. Please, let these marklars stay where they can grow and prosper without any marklars, marklars, or marklars.

Radio Announcer: How do you feel about the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt, little boy?

Stan: This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.

Cartman: Hey you guys! You know what time of year it is?

Kyle: Of course, dumbass, it's Halloween.

Cartman: That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas! [singing]You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry...

Stan: Christmas?

Cartman: ...Christmastime is presents for me.

Guide: Welcome to Spooky Laboratory. [pulls out a blindfold and puts it over Cartman's eyes] I'm your guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow me to show around the lab. [leads him to a table on which is a bowl of eggs and a bowl of Jell-o cubes]

Cartman: Cool!

Dr. Spookalot: Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs.

Cartman: [rolls his fingers around the eggs] Ew-ho-ho.

Dr. Spookalot: [switches bowls] And here you can feel the brains.

Cartman: [rolls his fingers through the Jell-o cubes] Oh-ho, gross.

Dr. Spookalot: [leads him to a donkey] And here you can feel the warm innards of the body. [Cartman reaches into the donkey's anus and the donkey looks surprised]

Cartman: Ew, it feels like cold spaghetti! You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!

Cartman: [providing the voice] Have you been a good boy, Kyle? Have you been making Grandma proud?

Kyle: Dammit, Cartman, that's not funny!

Stan: [chuckling] Eheh, yes it is.

Cartman: We could shove a stick up her ass and use her like a puppet: "Rowr, rowr, I'm Scary Grandma!"

Sheila: Dug her up? Why?

Brunet: Well. The most likely reason is that somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body.

Blond: Yep.

Sheila: What?!

Brunet: Uh-huh, we don't want to upset you, but it happens. Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak.

Blond: Every vile position, every disrespectful act imaginable.

Sheila: Oh, dear God!

Brunet: Yes. By now he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well.

Sheila: [sadly rubs her eyes] Oooh.

Blond: Now, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry, so he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it.

Sheila: Ooooh!

Brunet: Yes. And, now for the difficult part.

Blond: Brace yourself.

Brunet: It is highly possible that he has created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look something like an overloved hunk of Swiss cheese. She probably--

Sheila: Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell me what you're gonna do about it!

Brunet: Do?

Blond: Oh, we don't do anything. We're just the watchmen.

Brunet: Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might wanna call the police or something.

Jonathan Davis: All right, gang. We have to split up and look for clues.

Stan: How do we split up?

Jonathan: I know. Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life which they can overcome go this way. And everyone whose insecurity sabotages their potential to overcome these obstacles go that way.

Cartman: Um... Chair... C..h..a..r-e. [buzz] Goddammit, how come I get the hard one?! Get over here, you son-of-a-bitch Fonics Monkey!!

Kyle: You got my note?

Rebecca: Uh huh, of course. You taped it to my dog; how could I not see it?

Kyle: Can we sit down?

Rebecca: Why not? Isn't Papa's garden beautiful? He works so hard on it.

Kyle: Rebecca, don't you ever look at the town? At that flicker of light over there?

Rebecca: I have looked at it.

Kyle: Well, that's a public school. And in it, there are children, just like us.

Rebecca: How can children go to school on a flicker of light?

Kyle: From public school, your house is just a flicker of light. Don't you want to go out? All you do is stay in your house and study.

Rebecca: What else would one do?

Kyle: Love, for one thing.

Rebecca: And what is love?

Kyle: Love...is the most important thing on Earth. When boys and girls feel love, they kiss.

Rebecca: What means kiss?

Kyle: When a man and a woman feel...love, they put their lips together.

Rebecca: Oh, you mean a mate. When it is time to increase the herd, my provider will select one for me.

Kyle: Rebecca, in public school, we select our own mate. In public school, men and women get together, make each other happy.

Rebecca: You certainly come from a strange place. Still, I would like to try this...kiss. [Kyle turns around, relieved] So I can write about it. [Kyle comes and sits down next to her again] So how do we do it?

Kyle: I'm not completely sure.

Rebecca: Perhaps we should look it up.

Kyle: No, I think it's something we should try a few times... [leans in closer] until we get it... [leans even closer] right... [they lean in and kiss quickly]

Rebecca: Wow...wow, that was fun... [grabs Kyle and kisses him again, though more passionately]

Cartman: Do not wake up till morning, or I will kick you in the nuts. Oooh, in the nuts.

Cartman: T-Tooth? What the hell? Mom!

Liane: Yes, Eric.

Cartman: You know, the tooth fairy forgot to bring me money last night! Call the police!

Liane: Oh. Eric, poopie, sit down. Mommy has something to tell you. It's just that...well... There is no tooth fairy, Eric. I've been putting all that money under your pillow, and because you had so many teeth fall out, I've actually run out of money and can't go to the grocery store for at least a month.

Cartman: You almost had me for a second there, Mom, heh. "There's no tooth fairy." I suppose you're gonna tell me there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus, either, heh-heh. M-Mom?

Liane: I'm sorry, Eric. All children find out sooner or later.

Cartman: Y-you're serious here. There really is no tooth fairy?

Liane: No, honey. It's just--

Cartman: How could--? How could you lie to me, Mother? Lie right to my face?

Liane: Oh, Eric, it's just part of being a child.

Cartman: How can I trust you? How can I trust anyone ever again, Mother? I guess, uh to make it through this life, I can only trust myself.

Gerald: Oh, hello, son.

Kyle: Dad, there is so a tooth fairy, huh?

Gerald: What? Oh. Kyle, let's have a little talk.

Kyle: Oh my God! You did lie to me!

Gerald: No. Kyle, she's just make-believe. Like Peter Pan.

Kyle: Peter Pan, too?

Gerald: Kyle--

Kyle: What about Moses and Abraham?

Gerald: Well, they were probably real.

Kyle: Probably? Is Atlantis real?

Gerald: Probably not.

Kyle: Wa-ha-ha-hah!

Gerald: Look, Kyle, adults make up those things because they're fun for children.

Announcer of the ADA: Fellow dentists! As you all know, we are still having numerous reports of missing teeth from all over the country. There are also reports of missing tooth-fairy money. We believe that there can be only one logical reason for all of this: A giant half-chicken, half-squirrel, that steals either teeth or money from children as they sleep in order to build some kind of giant nest, for genetically superior and potentially dangerous offspring. We believe also, that the creature would have at least a mild understanding of algebra, and that it...

Dr Foley: Excuse me, I think I have a more logical theory!

Announcer: Well, by all means, Mr Foley, enlighten us!

Dr Foley: I think what we've got here is some kind of black-market tooth racket. Something where one group is stealing the money and teeth from another group for a profit!

Dr Foley: It's not ridiculous, it's very possible. I've seen it happen before!

Announcer: Where?

Dr Foley: In Montreal.

Announcer: [more laughing] And where, pray, is this "Montreal"?

Dr Foley: Look, I know how to handle this. All we have to do is bring down the kingpin and the rest will fall. You'll see! I'll have it taken care of in a matter of weeks!

Announcer: Very well, Mr Foley! You go on your wild goose chase, and meanwhile we'll deal with the real problems at hand.

Dr Foley: I will! [leaves]

Announcer: Ha ha ha! Anyway, the half-chicken, half-squirrel would most likely be about 3-4.5 feet tall. His large beak is probably detachable, and works as a floatation device.

Kyle: But you know, I've learned something today: You see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself. What we think, the external objects we perceive, are all like actors that come on and off stage. But our consciousness, the stage itself, is always present to us.

Stuart: I'm not going to make it. I'm going to be sick. Oh my stomach!

Stan: Dude! I think these guys mean to have sexual encounters with us!

[outside the hotel, as Stuart is being put into the ambulance]

Kenny's Mom: Are you all right, Stuart?

Stuart: Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned, and been made love to in the ass by three dozen 40-year-old men. [sobs] I just wanna go home and take a--a hot bath!

[all the pedophiles are now arrested]

Lead Agent: [to NAMBLA leader] We've been after you for a long time, buddy! Do you know your rights?

NAMBLA Leader: Rights? Does anybody know their rights? You see, I've learned something today. Our forefathers came to this country because...they believed in an idea. An idea called "freedom." They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live. You see us as being perverted because we're different from you. People are afraid of us, because they don't understand. And sometimes it's easier to persecute than to understand.

Kyle: Dude, you have sex with children!

NAMBLA Leader: We are human. Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys. We were born that way. We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that, well, then, I guess you'll just have to put us away.

Kyle: [slowly] Dude. You have sex with children!

Stan: Yeah. You know, we believe in equality for everybody, and tolerance, and all that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.

Kyle: Seriously.

Lead Agent: All right, that's enough. You're going to be put away for a long time!

[the agents lead the pedophiles away into custody]

Kyle: Well, Cartman?

Cartman: Well what?

Kyle: Don't you think you owe everyone an apology for bringing NAMBLA here?

Boys: Yeah!

Cartman: All right, all right. I'm sorry I almost got you guys all raped. There.

Stan: And now, you still wanna hang out with older mature friends?

Cartman: No, I guess you guys will blossom into maturity someday. Just don't take too long.

Mr Garrison: I do not have sex with boys. I like men my own age. Ah! I mean I like women. Ah! What did I just say? I like titties!

Cartman: I've outgrown all of my friends. I need to meet more mature people, Clyde Frog. [stares at Clyde Frog] Ohhh, great idea, Clyde Frog! I can meet new friends on the Internet! [on computer] Here's a chat room: 'Men who like young boys'...that's perfect! [types a message under screen name 'BigBoned'] Hi everybody! I am a young boy seeking an older male for good times. I am eight years old and-- [he gets cut off and subsequently bombarded by messages from old guys] Wow, look at all these guys that want to be my friend! I'll pick...'Tony316'.

Cartman: [searching online for a new friend] Okay, let's try this again. [typing] Hi everyone. I am looking for fun times with older male. I like to-- [interrupted again by even more older men] Oh, this one looks good. "Hung Daddy'. [typing] Hello, Hung Daddy.

Hung Daddy: Hi. I am 8 1/2 inches.

Cartman: Man, dude. This guy is tiny. He must be a dwarf. [typing] Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends with midgets. Midgets piss me off. :(

Mr Garrison: [writing] Diana had never slept with another woman before, but it was an erotic thought she often fantasized about. [aside to Mr. Hat] Oh, yeah, Mr. Hat! Hot lesbo scene comin' up! And as Rebecca's naked body lay before her, Diana couldn't help but feel aroused. "Go on," Rebecca said softly. "Touch me." Diana leaned down slowly and brushed Rebecca's bare stomach with her fingertips. It felt good. Like a penis. A soft, but sturdy penis that felt warm to the touch. In Rebecca's mind, she suddenly felt like she was surrounded by penises. They were all around her, flopping all around and slapping her face. It was as if she were in a redwood forest of penises. They presented themselves, tall and mighty, all around her, wi- [Mr. Hat slowly slides under the desk] Mr. Hat, what the hell are you doing? ...oh, Mr. Hat!

Wendy: Miiis-suuus Landers was a health nut. She cooked food in a wok.

Mr. Harris was her boyfriend, and he had a great big-

Cock-a-doodle-doodle, the rooster just won't quit

And I don't want my breakfast, because it tastes like-

Shih tzus make good house pets. They're cuddly and sweet.

Monkeys aren't good to have, because they like to beat their-

Meeting in the office or meeting in the hall,

The boss, he wants to see you so you can suck his

Balzac was a writer, he lived with Allen Funt

Mrs. Roberts didn't like him, but that's 'cause she's a-

Contaminated water can really make you sick.

Your bladder gets infected, and blood comes out your-

Dictate what I'm saying, 'cause it will bring you luck

And if you all don't like it, I don't give a flying fuck!

Cartman: Thanks Wendy. Don't call us, we won't call you neither.

Fingerbang: Fingerbang! Bang bang! Fingerbang! Bang bang bang! I'm gonna fingerbang bang you into my life! Girl you you like to fingerbang and that's all right! 'Cause I'm the king of fingerbang and let's not fight. I'm gonna fingerbang bang you every night. I'm gonna fingerbang bang you every night!

Cartman: You guys, I had a dream of how I can make ten million dollars. You ready? ...Boy band.

Stan: Boy band?

Cartman: Boy band.

Kyle: I'm not joining any faggy boy band.

Cartman: There's nothing faggy about ten million dollars, asshole!

Stan: Hey Cartman, what does "fingerbang" mean, anyway?

Cartman: I heard it on HBO, it means, like, you know, when you pretend to use your finger like a gun or something.

Kenny: [laughs] That's not what it means.

Stan: Kenny says that's not what it means.

Cartman: Oookay, Kenny, what does "fingerbang" mean then?

Kenny: It's when you take your finger, and you stick it in a vagina and you stick it again and again.

Cartman: ...What? What?! Who the hell would do that?! Jesus Christ! Grow up, Kenny, would you?!

Sister Anne: Now let me explain how communion works. The priest will give you this round cracker. And this cracker is the body of Christ.

Cartman: Jesus was made of…crackers?

Sister Anne: No.

Stan: But crackers are his body.

Sister Anne: Yes.

Kenny: What?

Sister Anne: In the book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said "Eat this, for it is my body."

Cartman: So we won't go to Hell as long as we eat crackers.

Sister Anne: No no no no!

Butters: Well, what are we eating then?

Sister Anne: The body of Christ!

Stan: No no no, I get it. Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals...so he turned himself into crackers and then told people to eat him.

Sister Anne: No!

Stan: No?!

Butters: I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers.

Sister Anne: Look, all you need to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it. Okay?

Boys: Okay...

Sister Anne: And then you will drink a very small amount of wine. For that, is the blood of Christ.

Cartman: Oh come on now, this is just getting silly.

Sister Anne: Eric, do you want to go to hell?

Cartman: No!

Sister Anne: Then stop questioning me.

Stan: [after Kenny is hit by a bus] Oh my God! They killed Kenny!

Butters: He had sins that he didn't confess!

Stan: He's doomed.

Cartman: It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

Satan: No, it can't be! You're dead! I killed you!

Saddam Hussein: Yeah, you killed me. So? Where was I gonna go, Detroit?

[Cartman has been confessing his sins, unaware of who is in the other side of the confessional]

Cartman: And that was about everything from first grade. And then last year...you can't tell anybody about this stuff, right?

Father Mackey: Your confession does not leave this box.

Cartman: Okay, because last year, I took a sandwich that the priest of this church had been eating.

Mackey: Oh. Well, I'm sure he would forgive you...if he...knew.

Cartman: No but I'm not finished yet. I took the sandwich that the priest was eating, took the piece of ham out of it, put it between my buttcheeks, and then put the sandwich back and watched him eat it.

Mackey: [annoyed] I see.

Cartman: And then this other time, I went peepee in the holy water thing, and the priest blessed himself on the forehead with it every day for about a week. And then this one time, I was at the park, and the priest was out walking his dog, and I went number two on the sidewalk, and then told Officer Barbrady that it was the priest's dog, so then the priest got fined like $100 for not picking it up. And then this one time, I put superglue all over the priest's bottom...

[Father Mackey, who has been getting steadily angrier during this confession, finally smashes through the confessional screen and begins throttling Cartman]

Cartman: I am saying this because we must be saved-ah. The Lord is powerful and he will smote the sinners and send them to everlasting hell-ah. If you do not live your life for Him-ah, then to the lake of fire you shall go-ah!

Principal Victoria: [approaches with parents behind the gathering] You see that, parents? Your children have refused to come into class since this morning. I'm afraid your son is the leader, Ms. Cartman.

Cartman: [meanwhile, in the background] Well, God is gonna heal those eyes and save you from the devil begone-ah! O praise His name!

Principal Victoria: Apparently he's read the entire Bible, and now he's scaring the hell out of everyone.

Cartman: [in the background] But some of you believe in the power of God-ah! Do you believe he is gonna cure your face of the uglies?

Cartman: Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He was a playful school-going 8-year-old. And then yesterday, he was smacked down by the Lord-ah! God bitch-slapped him right down to the fiery depths of hell-ah!

[Kenny has arrived in Mexico]

Kenny: [muffled by his parka] Where am I?

Mexican: Qué?

Kenny: [muffled] Where am I?!

Mexican: Qué?

[Cartman preaching in church]

Cartman: Friends, I have to tell you that last night I received a phone call from beyond the grave-ah.

[the kids gasp]

Cartman: It was our departed friend, Kenny, calling from the depths of Hell and he described what Hell is like in horrid detail-ah. He said that in Hell, the smell is awful. He says that in Hell...everyone speaks Spanish!

[gasp]

Cartman: He said there is water in Hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-ah!

[gasp]

Cartman: And perhaps worst of all, in Hell there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores, but they all have the same little trinkets in them-ah!

[gasp]

Protestant: Hey, wait a minute, I was a complete and devout Protestant. I thought we got into Heaven?

Hell Orientation Director: Yes, well, I'm afraid you were wrong.

Jehovah's Witness: I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.

Hell Orientation Director: You picked the wrong religion as well.

Random Orientation Attendee: Well, who was right? Who got into Heaven?

Hell Orientation Director: I'm afraid it was the [1]... Mormons were the correct answer.

Mr. Garrison:: What the hell is that? [walks to the window and looks out] Oh my God! What is that thing?! Children, there's some huge bulbous monstrosity heading for the classroom! [some of the kids slink down in their seats] Oh my God, it's awful! It's coming for the door. [the doorknob turns and the kindergartners crouch in terror]

Rosie O'Donnell:: Hello, kids!

Officer Barbrady: Now there's two of those things!

[Trying to resolve the dispute over who has been elected kindergarten class president]

Mr. Garrison: All right, children. As you know, we've been waiting for the absent kid's ballot to come in. Well, his mother was nice enough to bring him in from the hospital so that he could cast his vote. Mrs. Harris?

[She comes in, guiding a sick boy hooked to an IV pole. He hands his ballot to Mr. Garrison and coughs something up onto the floor.]

Chef: Dagnabbit children! How come every time you come in here, you gotta be askin' me questions that I shouldn't be answering?! "Chef, what's a clitoris?" "What's a lesbian, Chef?" "How come they call it a rim job, Chef?" For once, can't you just come in here and say "Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?"

Stan: Okay. Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?

Chef: It sure is!

Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?

Counselor Rick: Hello, camper! My name is Rick. How are you doing?

Cartman: Well, I'm pissed off, Rick! How are you?

Cartman: All right, I don't know who the hell put you all up to this, but I am not going to some gay-ass fat camp!

Mr. Mackey: Now, Eric, all these people are doing this because we care about you, m'kay?

Mr. Garrison: Except for me. I just wanted to see the look on your face when we told you.

Garrison: Well, they can't say fag, you have to be a homosexual to say that.

Randy: You mean I can't say [beep]?

Garrison: No, see, you got beeped.

Guy: You mean you have to be a [beep] to say [beep]?

Garrison: Yep.

Jimbo: Well that's not fair! I should be able to say "fag." [he looks shocked]

Randy: Hey...you didn't get beeped.

Jimbo: Uh-oh.

Garrison: Well, I guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freakin' fag. You wanna go make out or something?

[the boys are in the library searching for the cause of people's serious illness]

Cartman: [urgently] You guys! Look here! [the group rushes over] In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand trapped in her shoe! That could explain how Kyle got it in his vagina!

Kyle: Cartman, this is serious!

Cartman: So am I, Kyle-- if that sand in your vagina doesn't get released, you could become a walking time bomb.

Butters: I don't think I'm very happy. I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams.

Magic Workshop Leader: ...Right, yeah. Eh, see, the reason that you are unha-

Butters:[coldly] And then I always get woken up in the morning by the sounds of my own screams. Do you think I'm unhappy?

Stan: Kyle?!

[Stan turns over a dead body of a bald cult member, it takes a moment for Stan to recognize him]

Stan: [gasps] Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!

Kyle: [offscreen, in the distance] You bastards!

Stan: Kyle? Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

Kyle: [still offscreen, in the distance] You bastards!

Stan: [follows Kyle's voice] Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

Cartman: [to Stan and Kyle] Ahhh, that's so sweet, you guys! Hey you wanna get a room so you can make out for a while? [laughs. Kyle kicks him in the balls] Ow! [Stan kicks him in the balls] Aargh! [boys take turns kicking him] Stop it! Aaargh!

[Cartman turns around; All the other kids have left, except for Timmy]

Timmy: Timmay!

Cartman: [groans] Christ. Alright, I guess it's just you and me, Timmy.

Timmy: Euuh, livin' a lie, Timmih. [rolls out of the room on his wheelchair]

Thom Yorke: [in response to why the band should fly to Colorado] Didn't you hear the letter? This poor kid has cancer! In his ass!

Cartman: [begins to wolf down the food] God, this is really good, Scott!

Scott: I'm glad you like it so much, because now that you're almost finished, I have something to tell you.

Cartman: [through a mouthful of chili] What? You mean about how you put pubes in your chili? [everyone at Scott's end of the table is shocked, even Scott, at this accusation]

Scott: What?

Cartman: Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's. [Chef looks like he's been used] It's delicious, Chef. I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. [Stan and Kyle are stunned] I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins' pony to bite off your wiener. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. [a shot of Cartman talking to Denkins, who is armed] I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your wiener bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. [a shot of Scott talking with his parents] And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. [the Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony. Seeing Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them; they go down]

Mr. Denkins: [looks of horror surround him] Well, they was trespassin' and I was protectin' myself. I-I have my rights.

Cartman: I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies... [a shot of Cartman arriving, seeing Denkins and Barbrady, and pulling the bodies away] After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could personally tell you about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. [more faces of horror behind Cartman] Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? [a gleefully evil look comes over Cartman] I call it, "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili."

Scott: [looks at Cartman for a while, realizing what's just happened] Oh my God! [gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger; he tosses it away] Oh my God! [vomits off to the side]

Scott: [grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table] My mom and dad are dead! [pounds the table] No! Nooo! [Radiohead, not knowing what has just happened, arrives and stands behind Scott. Stan notices]

Thom: Um, excuse me?

Stan: Who are you?

Jonny: We're that band, Radiohead.

Ed: [to Scott] Jeez, what a little crybaby!

Colin: Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby?

Thom: You know, everyone has problems. It doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it.

Ed: Come on, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool. [the members of the band start leaving]

Cartman:[walks over to Scott's end of the table] Yes! Yeees! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott! [starts licking Scott's tears off his face] Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet.

Kyle: Dude, I think it might be best for us to never piss Cartman off again.

Stan: Good call.

Cartman: Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Mm-yummy. [licks the tears off the table and off Scott's face] Mm-yummy, you guys! [fade out, then quickly back in to Looney Tunes-style iris] Be-de-be-de, that's all, folks!

Kyle: [to God] Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama! And you give Cartman a million dollars?!

Cartman: If you see anyone on my propertah, especially Stan or Kyle, you are to shoot on sight!

Cartman: What about all the years I spent making Grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with? The constant smell of aspirin and pee? Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch.

Kyle: Then I was right. Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn't a God.

[Kyle is in the hospital after popping his hemorrhoid]

Stan: Dude, are you okay?

Kyle: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?

Stan: Dude, what are you doing here? Everybody's looking for you! [beat] Kyle?

Kyle: Do you know what happened to me this morning, Stan? This morning... I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass. I felt down there a-and found this.. big sore lump. On my ass, Stan. I couldn't even sit down, so... I-I had to tell my mother, wh-which was humiliating. She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating, a-and he told me... I-I have a hemorrhoid. It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass. I'm nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan. I have a hemorrhoid, and Cartman has his own theme park.

Stan: ...Kyle, I-I understand what you mean, but—

Kyle: Do you?! Do you, Stan?! Because all my life I was raised to believe in Jehovah! To believe that we should all behave a certain way and good things will come to us. I make mistakes! And every week I try to better myself! I'm always saying, "You know, I learned something today", and what does this so-called God give me in return?! A hemorrhoid! It doesn't make sense! WHAT IS YOUR LOGIC!?!? Ow...

Mr. Garrison: That's a condor, Jenny. Condor. Condoms are what we use to stop the spread of STD's. Yes, Fillmore?

Fillmore: Can we do fingerpaints?

Mr. Garrison: NO, WE CAN'T DO FINGERPAINTS!! You kids want herpes, huh? How about a nice bucket of AIDS? Sounds good? Now pay attention, all right? I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom. [pulls out a box of condoms and a dildo] First of all, you remove the condom from its package. Then you find which way the condom rolls out. Put it in your mouth [he does so] ...and apply. [demonstrates on the dildo; one of the kids starts to cry] And it's as easy as that. Any questions?

Chef: Parents. There are reasons why teachers can't teach sex in school. They might not know a lot about it, [camera fixes on Mr. Mackey] they might have a bad opinion of it, [camera moves to Ms. Choksondik] or they might just be a complete pervert. [camera moves to Mr Garrison]

Mr. Mackey: Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around. You have to get it from sex.

[all the 4th-grade boys go to the drugstore]

Male Pharmacist: Can I help you boys?

Stan: Yeah, we need condoms!

Male Pharmacist: Condoms...

Kyle: Yeah, quick!

Male Pharmacist: ...How old are you boys?

Stan: Why does that matter?

Butters: I'll be 9 next week!

Male Pharmacist: Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms.

Kyle: Why not?! You want us to get AIDS?

Male Pharmacist: I just don't think kids your age should--

Female Pharmacist: Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them.

Male Pharmacist: But...they're children!

Female Pharmacist: Would you rather them do it unprotected?

Cartman: Yeah, you want us unprotected, you asshole?

Male Pharmacist: I just think all this sex-ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong!

Female Pharmacist: Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected.

Stan: Jeez, I'm glad this lady's on our side.

Male Pharmacist: I don't even think we'll have any that fit them!

Female Pharmacist: Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids: Lil' Minis! They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only $5.95 for a pack of 50.

Butters: 50?! Oh, can't we just use the same one every day?!

Female Pharmacist: No, you have to change them.

Kyle: Oh jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things!

the boys are reading the condom instructions]

Stan: Doesn't it give any other directions?

Butters: Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to r-roll it over your wiener. [reading the disclaimer] If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studses. [STD's]

Photographer: Come on now, I bet your parents want a picture of you lookin' natural.

Kyle: This is how I look natural.

Jimmy: Why did the...pigeon cross the road?

Cartman: Okay, why?

Jimmy: Because it was having sex with the chihi... Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-hiicken.

Token: Why can't I be like all the other kids?
They all have three-bedroom homes, broken trucks on their lawns
And cut-up hot dogs for lunch
It's not my fault my parents succeed so much
There's no one in town I can relate to
I play with autographed baseball bats
While everyone else just plays with sticks and pine cones
Has a boy ever felt so alone?
Well, who needs them, anyway? I won't pretend to be something I'm not
If I can't be poor, I've got to deal with what I've got
If I can't be like them, what I need is more rich kids around
So I'm not the only one, and then I won't be so… down
Please, God, send more rich kids…
To my…town
I don't fit in anywhere.

Mr. Garrison: Well at least we got rid of those goddamn nig- [episode ends]

Cartman: [on the phone] Oh, please! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for 70 cents on the dollar. You tell me, Chuck... Yeah, I didn't think so. You know, I'm just like the fetuses, Chuck: I wasn't born yesterday either!

Cartman: I'm telling you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a fetal mistake. [laughs]

Chef: Stan, sometime God take those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about Himself. He's a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it. So he doesn't care who he takes: children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand?

Stan: Then why does God give us anything to start with?

Chef: Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first, you give it a lollipop. Then, you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothing to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and health, just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power.

Old Man: That road leads to Conifer. You want to go to South Park, you've got to go down that road. [indicates gloomy road leading through a twisted-looking forest] Course, I ain't never seen anyone go up that road. Six years ago a group of campers went up there and got lost, had to eat each other to stay alive. Used to be the way to the O'Reilly house. He butchered over fifty children and kept their bodies in his cellar. You should find an old bridge about halfway up; that bridge is cursed, you know. They built it with the bones of two hundred Chinese laborers who were massacred in '34. Yap, lotta history on that road.

Butters: You know, you can call a shovel an ice-cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. Ah, and you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good stinking lie!

Gary Condit, O.J. Simpson, and the Ramseys: One of us, One of us, Gooble Gobble, Gooble Gobble, One of us!"

Chris Stotch: And so the people we owe the biggest apology to are the Ramseys, Congressman Condit, and O.J.. We gave you false hope for finding the person who hurt those close to you, and we're sorry. Now we're just happy we won't have to live a life of secrets. For I knew that even though some of you supported us, some others were looking at me and thinking, "You're a liar! You're a liar!"[points at the crowd, and Condit's fixed-grin face is shown]"You know something that you're not telling us, you slimy scumbag liar!"[back to Chris] You know, that's what people would say to me. And then people would see my wife at the supermarket and they would say "Hello," but they'd be thinking, "Ah, there goes that murderer"! [a shot of O.J.]"You got away with murder, you murdering, lying waste of life!"[back to Chris] And to me, people might say things like, [a shot of Condit]"Liar! Tell us what you know, you goddamned liar!"[back to Chris] And so, to both of us, people all over town would be saying things like, [a shot of the Ramseys]"You know goddamn well what happened to your kid, so stop acting like victims, and confess, you murdering murderers!"[a shot of O.J.]"Confess!"[a shot of Condit]"Liar! Confess!!"[back to Chris] You know, and, that's what people would be saying to us, and so, we just had to come forward and tell the truth.

Butters: Oh well, when I get a chipotle bleu-cheese bacon burger at Bennigan's, I forget all about my dad being queer and my mom trying to kill me. I'm gonna be okay.

Jared Fogle: [beats dead horse with baseball bat] I tell my girlfriend I have aides and she leaves! I tell the world to get aides and they think I'm crazy! I offered to give aides to kids and everyone wants me dead!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH AIDES!?! WHY DOESN'T EVERYONE WANT TO GIVE THEM AIDES!?!

Butters: [unaware he does have feces on his face] Why that's my face, sir.

Thumper: We're gonna take it slow, take it easy, make sure everybody has a goood time. 'Cause what is skiing about? Having a good... [puts his left hand to his ear, hoping for an answer. The boys just look at him] Time, that's right. Now, just a few safety things to keep in mind: First of all, look straight ahead when you ski. You look down, you're gonna fall, you're gonna have a bad time. Also, be aware of skiers around you. You run into another skier, your skis are gonna cross, gonna have a bad time.

Thumper: If you French fry when you should have Pizza'd, you're gonna have a bad time...

Tad: What's your name, hot shot?

Stan: Stan. Marsh.

Tad: Stan Marsh? [laughs] Stan Darsh is more like it.

Cartman: Hey you guys, Butters is asleep.

Stan: He's such a douche-bag.

Cartman: Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it...

Stan: And then what?

Cartman: ...and then you pee on them!

[Cartman starts peeing on Butters]

Kyle: No dude! You're supposed to put their hand in warm water to make THEM pee!

Cartman: Oh really? Oh well.

[Cartman continues peeing on Butters]

Kyle: Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get to you, screw him, dude.

Stan: Dude, I have to...he's got Heather!

[silence]

Kyle: You don't even know Heather!

Stan: I know, I know, but I have to do this. I'm not going to die, I mean how bad could the K-13 be?

[An old man walks into the shot]

Old Man: The K-13? You don't want to go down that run. That run's got a history. Thirty-five people have died goin' down it and some say you can still see their ghosts up there. I was on that very ski run and then a group of students were killed by a wolf-boy who escaped from the mental institution. You see, that ski run was once a burial ground to a tribe of vampire witchikah Indians who ate the flesh of children with no eyes... Yap, lot of history on that ski run.

Man with Terrible Skin Condition: We're your family too, Napoleon. We're like you. When we look at you, we don't even see the testicles on your chin, we see the testicles in your heart.

Unlabeled Freak: Sure, everyone in this great country of ours is a freak, but true, physically deformed freaks must be recognized, for it's these real freaks that make you all feel better about yourselves for not being one.

Audience Member: They're right. We should have never crossed that picket line. [rest of audience agrees with him and they all begin to leave the set]

Maury Povich: Wait, wait, come back. Maybe we can get the other out- of-control kids to take off their clothes too.

Cartman: Hokay, but if you want my help you have to give it just a little kiss. [softly] Kiss it.

Stan: Go on, dude it's the only way.

Kyle: No!

Cartman: Kiss it. Come on. [gruffly] Kiss it.

Stan: Just do it really fast, and we can go.

Kyle: Have Butters kiss it.

Cartman: No, it has to be Kyle. [turns away. Kyle resists for a few moments, then slowly moves his face towards Cartman's ass through the window. Kyle finally reaches the ass and Cartman farts in his face]

Kyle: Awww! [wipes off his face and then waves away the smell]

Cartman: [laughs uproariously] Oh man, that was soho awesome!

Kyle: Sick! I felt it on my face!

Stan: Okay, very funny Cartman, now come on!

Cartman: Hell, I'm not goin' with you!

[Kyle screams and jumps on Cartman]

Randy Marsh: We gave those kids everything and they turned into little John Walkers!

Cartman: What did I tell you, Stan?! We saved the baby calves from being eaten and now we're no-good DIRTY GODDAMNHIPPIES!!!

Cartman: We'll give you one calf, if you give us...some guns and ammunition of our own!

Glen Dumont: What?! I--I can't do that!

Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were talkin' here, but I guess you're not talkin' to me. Goodbye.

Glen: No, no wait, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Yuh, you're right. What reason do you have to trust me? I'm just a guy from Lakewood trying to make ends meet, you know? Just a blue-collar guy like your dad.

Cartman: Don't have a dad, Mike. That's not gonna work.

[The phone rings; Cartman picks up]

Cartman: Mike.

Mike: How we doing?

Cartman: We got a sick kid here, Mike. Did you get the other things?

Mike: Well, I did manage to get the FDA to officially change "veal" to "tortured baby cow," but I couldn't get North or South Dakota.

Cartman: Oh Mike, you're breaking my balls!

FBI Leader: All right that's it. You are in fact the worst negotiator I've ever seen in action.

Mike: All right, I'll give you that. But in exchange I want 3 staples.

Butters: Uh, because! Uh my parents are out of town, and I don't have a babysitter.

Cartman: [glares at Butters] Oh, goddammit, you better be kidding!

Butters: No, I really don't have a babysitter.

Russell Crowe: Well, we found out that I couldn't actually fight cancer, but we did find a person with cancer. [brings out a sickly cancer patient and begins beating him severely] Come on, cancer, ya pussy! Is that all you got?!

Cartman: Oh, shut up, Kyle! Shut your goddamn Jew mouth! You people are why there's war in the Middle East! And you, Tweek, why don't you learn to button your shirt right, for once?! You're as bad as Stan with his stupid girlfriend, always spending time with her! God, I hate you guys!

Cartman: [explaining where he obtained the "sea men" for his aquarium] Yeah, I bought all I could from this bank...I got the rest from this guy named Ralph in an alley--stupid asshole didn't even charge me, he just told me to close my eyes and suck it out of a hose!

Stan: Close your eyes and suck it out of a hose?

Cartman: Suck it out of a hose, yeah.

Stan: Oh.

Tweek: But, what if when I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?

Stan: We killed our teacher and they found our sea men in her stomach.

Chef: Oh, children, that's a problem we all have to face at one time or another. Here: let me sing you a little song that might cheer you up. Sometimes you kill your teacher/And they find your semen in her stomach/And --wait! What the--WHAT?!

Stan: So what should we do?

[Chef pushes the couch where the boys are sitting outside and shuts the door]

Announcer: The word "NAZI" has been changed to "PERSONS WITH POLITICAL DIFFERENCES." And all the guns have been replaced by walkie-talkies.

[shots of soldiers getting killed or crippled by walkie talkies]

[a banner shows up (and read by an announcer) before the airing of the "re-re-re-release" of Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]

Announcer: The word "WOOKIEE" has been changed to "HAIR CHALLENGED ANIMAL" and the entire cast has been digitally replaced by Ewoks.

[the kids ditch the theater in anger and try to get their money back]

[On "EXCESS HOLLYWOOD"]

Host: Well, the print is finished and the day has come. Tonight Steven Spielberg and George Lucas will be at the premiere of the new Special Edition of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Lots of celebrity guests and other rich people will be on hand to witness all the updated effects and modernized technology.

Stan: Wait wait wait wait wait. I thought we were gonna cool his hot heart with a cool island song.

Cartman: No, he has an icy heart.

Kyle: But you can't melt ice with a cool song, r-tard.

Stan: So we have to warm his icy heart with a hot island song.

Cartman: But it's a cool island song.

Kyle: Well then we're gonna end up freezing his hellish heart with a cool island song.

Cartman: Oh, do we wanna do that?

George Lucas: ALL RIGHT, that does it!

Man 1: Yeah... Maybe we could melt the governor's icy heart with a cool island song!

Members: Yeah!

Tweek: No!

Skeeter: No?

Man 2: No! He's right. We have to freeze his hot heart with a cool island song.

Woman: Or is it freshen his hot temper with a cool island song?

Man 3: Let's cool his hot temper with a fresh island song.

Man 4: That's it!

[Raiders of the Lost Ark's theme is played as Spielberg, Lucas, Coppola, and their entourage walk across a desert with the new print of Raiders of the Lost Ark inside an ark, and the kids as their prisoners]

Tweek: [from atop a cliff looking down upon the entourage in the canyon] Hello!

Spielberg: The kid? The Tweeked-out kid?!

Tweek: [leveling a bazooka] I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg.

Spielberg: Your persistence surprises even me.

Coppola: Surely you don't think you can escape from this premiere.

Tweek: That depends on how reasonable we're all going to be. All I want are my friends.

Cartman: [the boys are discussing who to kick out of their group] So Kyle, I want to tell you it's been very fun and we're gonna miss you. [pulls out two containers] Here's a nice watch and some peanuts.

Kyle: Me?! But I've been here from the beginning.

Cartman: And it's sad to see you go. Maybe you can make friends with the kids down the road. Three cheers for Kyle! Hip hip...

Stan: [angrily] Dude, we're not kicking Kyle out.

Cartman: [whining] Pleeeeease?

Stan: No.

Cartman: All right, then I guess we have no choice-- [turns to Tweek] but to let you go, Tweek, I want to say you've been great filling in as a fourth friend and we're gonna miss you. [moves the watch and peanuts to Tweek's side] Here's a watch and some peanuts.

Kyle: No way, dude, Tweek's cool.

Stan: Yeah!

Cartman: Well, dumb-asses, how are we gonna make room for Bebe?

[The next day. Stan, Kyle, Bebe, and Tweek are all standing at the bus stop; Cartman is conspicuously absent.]

[the boys are standing at the bus stop with their parents right behind them]

Stan: Dude. This is worse than ChildTracker.

Mr. Tweek: It's okay, boys, just act as if we weren't here.

Mrs. Marsh: Right, do what you would normally do.

Kyle: [awkwardly] You're such a fatass, Cartman.

Cartman: [just as awkwardly] At least I'm not a stupid Jew.

Sheila: What-what-WHAT?!

Mr. Mackey: Now, who can tell me when the first moon landing took place? Uh, how about you, Clyde?

Clyde's Dad: Nineteen-sixty--

Mr. Mackey: No helping!

Mr. Mackey: I'm not really sure having all the parents here is a good idea, m'kay?

Mr. Tweek: Well, maybe things would be better if we could trust people like the Stotches!

Chris Stotch: Us? Your family's always been the shifty-eyed ones!

Mr. Tweek: Oh yeah? [all the parents argue]

Tuong Lu Kim: Goddamn Mongorians! Stop tearing down my shitty wall!

Tuong Lu Kim: Oh, I get it. Just because I Chinese, you think I build wall? That i' bullshit! I'm not stereotype, okay?! Just because I'm Chinese doesn't mean I go around building wall! I'm just a normal person rike all o'you! I eat ahrice and drive ahreary srow, just rike the rest o'you! I'm not stereotype!

Tuong Lu Kim: When those Mongorians come next time, I pour this sweet and sour pork on their heads. Ha ha, sweet and sour pork so hot and sticky, Mongorians stick ahright up to the wall! And scream "Uh-wo-o-o!" Oh I can't wait.

Parents: [in protest] Rabble, rabble, rabble, rabble!

Mr. Mackey: Mom, Dad, could you please leave me alone?

Mr. Mackey's Dad: We just want to make sure no one hurts you, Junior, m'kay?

Mr. Mackey: M'kay.

News Reporter: And so the residents of Manhattan are prepared to evacuate if Ms. Clinton's ass gets any bigger.

Stan: [after their parents send them to live outside of South Park] Dude, sometimes I think our parents are really stupid.

Mr. Black: All right, Token, we know you must be very confused about what you saw.

Randy Marsh: Yes, uh, you see, Token, that was called a pornographic film. It shows adult men and adult women having sexual intercourse. [long beat] Well, you-you see, when a man and a woman fall in love, the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina. It's called lovemaking and it's part of being in love.

Token: [beat] And when the woman has four penises in her at the same time, then stands over the men and pees on them, is that part of being in love, too? ...Five midgets, spanking a man covered in Thousand Island dressing. Is that making love?

Mr. Black: Jesus, what kind of porno was that?

Gerald: It was Backdoor Sluts 9.

Mr. Black: Oh Jesus, not that one!!

Jimmy: [to advancing 6th-graders] YOU SHALL NOT PAAAHHH... YOU SHALL NOT PPPPAA...YOU SHALL NOT P... [gets run over] ...p...p...pass.

John Edward: I'm not a douche. What if I really believed dead people talk to me?

Stan: Then you're a stupid douche.

John Edward: I think I've had enough of your bullying me. Get out of my house or I'll run upstairs, lock myself in my panic room and call the police.

Stan: I'm 9 years old.

John Edward: I'm not talking to your friend and I'm not a douche! [runs upstairs] You better get out of my house or I'm gonna call the police!

Stan: You are so a douche! I'm nominating you for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award, you douche!

John Edward: You better not call me a liar, a fake, or a douche, or else I'll sue you for slander!

Stan: I am saying this to you, John Edward. You are a liar. You are a fake. And you are the biggest douche ever.

John Edward: Everything I tell people is positive and gives them hope! How does that make me a douche?

Stan: Because the big questions in life are tough! "Why are we here?" "Where are we from?" "Where are we going?" But as long as people believe in asshole douchey liars like you, we're never going to find the answers to those questions. You aren't just lying, you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, you douche!

TV Announcer: Rob Schneider was an animal. Then he was a woman. And now Rob Schneider is a stapler! And he's about to find out that being a stapler is harder than it looks. Rob Schneider is "The Stapler". Rated PG-13.

John Edward: Now I'm hearing a P-word, maybe a Per.

Woman: My Harry died last year.

John Edward: Oh, it's coming from here, I'm getting all kinds of voices today, whoo! Now Harry, he's telling me, oh, well he's telling me you two used to do things... [woman nods] And that those things involved stuff?

Woman: They did involve stuff, yes!

Audience: Ah, yes!

TV Announcer: Rob Schneider is a Wall Street executive who has everything going for him. Only problem is, he's about to become a carrot!

TV Announcer: Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular comedic actor, who seemed to have it all. Until one day, he came across a pot roast [record scratch] and his life changed forever. Now, he's sharing his body with an 8-year-old boy! And he's about to find out that being 8 ain't so great. Rob Schneider is "Kenny!" Rated PG-13.

Chef's Dad: [in the middle of exorcising Kenny from Cartman] Goddammit! The spirit's out and it don't have nowhere to go!

Butters: Wait right here, Stan, I warn you, you may not like what you see.

[Butters goes into the closet]

Stan: We have to teach our parents a lesson. Show them they can't play with our emotions like that.

[Butters comes out of the closet, dressed as Professor Chaos]

Butters: Hahahahahaa!! Now you know my terrible secret!

Stan: You're gay? It's fine if you're gay, Butters, I don't care.

Butters: Huh? No, I'm Professor Chaos!

Cartman: Oh, wow, really? That's so awesome. Now I'll really work to be successful!

Future Cartman: Right on!

Cartman: Go have sex with yourself, asshole! I'm not that stupid! Just for that, I'm gonna spend my whole childhood eating what I want, and doing drugs when I want! Whatevah, I'll do what I want!

[The future Cartman turns into a fat mechanic]

Future Cartman: Goddammit!

Cartman: Have you seen the poop swatches?

Butters: All he ever does is watch "Becker," and that show is so stupid.

Stan: I've been told a lot of things about pot, but I've come to find out a lot of those things aren't true! So I don't know what to believe!

Randy: Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably isn't gonna make you kill people, and...it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorism, but...well, son, pot makes you feel fine with being bored and...it's when you're bored that you should be learning some new skill or discovering some new science or...being creative. If you smoke pot you may grow up to find out that you aren't good at anything!

Stan: I really, really wish you just would have told me that from the beginning!

Kyle's cousin: If you cured cancer and AIDS next week, you would still owe two presents.

Cartman: Jesus Christ!

[Jesus hands up, is talking to two Iraqis]

Jesus: Yea, look upon me and know me. My children, you should know something. [a knife comes out of his sleeve] I'm packing!

[Jesus stabs one Iraqi with the knife with one hand and kills the other with a silenced handgun]

Santa: [to an Iraqi] I'm gonna fucking kill you!

Iraqi: You're not in the position to kill anyone. I just want you to tell me America's plan.

Santa: Then we're in for a long night, 'cause I don't know shit!

Santa: I just couldn't do it. [camera flashes onto dead Iraqi] I just couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls!

Santa: Christmas is a very special time of year, but this year it almost didn't happen. There's a man named Jesus who gave his life to save me. And so I declare that every year on Christmas Day. We should remember Jesus for what he did, and thank him for it. From now on, Christmas will be a day for remembering a brave man named Jesus.

Grocery Clerk: You know, son, I remember you coming in last week and buying this much toilet paper.

Cartman: Oh yeah, that's right.

Grocery Clerk: Toilet paper, toilet paper...

Kyle: You TP'd a house last week, Cartman?

Cartman: No, last Thursday night was Fajitas night.

Kyle: Oh...ewww!

[after luring Kyle onto a boat with him and rowing them to the middle of a pond, Cartman sneaks up behind Kyle and hits him in the head with a wiffle bat. It bounces off his hat]

Kyle: Ow! What the hell are you doing, Cartman?

Cartman: I'm killing you. Unfortunately I could only afford a wiffle bat so this may take a while. [hits him again]

Josh: Tell me something first. When you went to the academy you had something to prove--you wanted to protect and serve but mostly you just wanted to protect yourself. Who were you protecting yourself from, Officer Barbrady?

Cartman: Okay, last night all four of us were at the bowling alley until about 7:30 at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy the goth chick from The Breakfast Club who was bowling in the lane next to us when we asked her for her autograph but she didn't have a pen so we followed her out to her car but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45 at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Ranchas des Fritas Rojes South of Castle Rock and finally got a ride home from a man who was missing his left index finger named Gary Bushwell arriving home at 11:46.

Cartman: Dude.... You know that feeling when you take a huge dump? Awesome.

Chef: Well, doctor?

Proctologist: I've never quite seen this before. Perhaps he just needs some haemerrhoid cream....

[the dish immediately re-enters Cartman at high speed]

Stan: You alright?

Cartman: You know that feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up your ass? NO, I'M NOT ALRIGHT!

Najix: Well, you don't think the whole universe works the way Earth does, do you? No! One species, one planet! There's a planet of deer, a planet of Asians, and so on! We put them all together on Earth and the whole universe tunes in to watch the fun!

Joozian 2: You've made it to a hundred episodes, you should be proud!

Joozian 1: Yeah, a show should never go past a hundred episodes, or else it starts to get stale with ridiculously stupid plotlines and settings.

Stan: Dude, I have no idea what we're seeing right now, but I have a feeling it's really, really wrong.

Joozian 1: Oh man, I can't believe I sucked your jagon.

Joozian 2: Oh God, we did suck each others jagons!

Chef: He's a doctor who specializes in your asshole, children.

Stan: You mean, at one point in this guy's life, he decided he wanted to work up people's buttholes?

[the boys unsuccessfully tried to bust men at a meth lab; the men kill themseves and a lot of damage has been done]

Lt. Dawson: One UPS vehicle valued at twenty-five thousand dollars, one civilian vehicle valued at sixteen thousand, the second floor of the post office and a coffee shop valued at sixteen thousand! The mayor's gonna have my ass!

Stan: Uh, sir, we just kinda got blind-sided by the--

Dawson: You got careless! Now, I don't know how they do things down at that dog-and-pony show they call the fourth grade, but here, we have rules! Jesus, we don't have guys to question now, because you killed them all!

Kyle: We're sorry.

Dawson: One more slip-up like that and I'll have your badges! You hear me?! Now hit the showers!

[the boys are in the locker room, preparing to shower. Four guys, who appear to be cops themselves, are also changing their clothes]

Officer Murphy: Relax, Hopkins! [removes his briefs and drops them to the ground] All fun and games, right? [moves to the end of the lockers and hides behind it, only to peek out] So, tell us, rookies, you, uh, find yourself a little bonus in that house?

Cartman: Uh, bonus?

Murphy: Come on, we all skim a little off the top. Oh, or are you too good for that? [walks back to the other officers] So you think you're gonna waltz in here and clean up the system. Is that it?

Stan: [softly] We just wanna be junior detectives.

Murphy: Look, we all work hard! And we deserve more than the thirty-thousand a year we get paid! So what if we take in a little on the side?

Stan: You totally had it! You had enough to save the town and then some.

Randy: Stan? Okay? You just don't understand the fine points of gambling. You're never supposed to stop when you're on a winning streak.

Stan: A winning streak??!! You played one game!!!!

Randy: Stan? Okay?

Stan: What???

Randy: All right? Stan? Okay?

Stan: You people just got greedy, like the Native Americans!

Randy:Hey, mister!! We're not like them, all right?! Now, we may have pie in the sky dreams once in a while, but we aren't the ones kicking people out of their homes! So don't you compare us to those cold-hearted, money-grubbing, evil stinky Indians!I'm sorry, Native Americans.

Randy: Stanley, listen to me . I have SARS. There's only a 98% percent chance that I will live.

Stan: No Dad, No!

Randy: Listen Stan! SARS is destroying our people. The Native Americans put it in the blankets they gave us. Soon there will be only 98% of us left.

Mr. Garrison: Chef, what did you do when white people stole your culture?

Chef: Oh, well, we black people just always tried to stay out in front of them.

Mr. Slave: How did you do that?

Chef: Well, like with our slang. Black people always used to say, "I'm in the house" instead of "I'm here." But then white people all started to say "in the house" so we switched it to "in the hizzouse." Hizzouse became hizzizzouse, and then white folk started saying that, and we had to change it to hizzie, then "in the hizzle" which we had to change to "hizzle fo shizzle," and now, because white people say "hizzle fo shizzle," we have to say "flippity floppity floop."

Mr. Garrison: We don't have time for all that, Chef! Oh, if only those Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people understood what they were doing. Wait. That's it! I know exactly what to do! Come on, Mr. Slave! Let's get back to our flippity floppity floop.

Chef: Oh no! Damn it! Don't call it that!

All Crab People: Crab People! Crab People!

Crab Person: Taste like crab, talk like people.

All Crab People: Crab People! Crab People!

Cartman, Stan, Kenny: We're here! We're not queer! But we're close! Get used to it!

Father Maxi: It is sometimes hard, in times like these, to understand God's way. Why would he allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps, shouldn't be driving? It is then that we must understand, God's sense of humor is very different from our own. He does not laugh at the simple "man walks into a bar" joke. No, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me. All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again.

Stan: I think old people should have rights, grandpa. I just don't want to die.

Randy: Oh, brother. Good job, dad. Look at you now.

Grandpa Marsh: Oh, goddammit! Don't you lecture me, you son of a bitch!

Randy: You just had to be so damn stubborn, didn't you?

Grandpa Marsh: Now my son is gonna talk to me like I'm 12!

Randy: We're not treating you like children, Dad, alright. Now I think you owe Mr. Police Officer an apology. Who needs to apologize, hmmm? Who's a sorry sorry?

Grandpa Marsh: Kiss my sagging ass!

Cartman: The poor kid passes it to the Jew, the Jew shoots. Oh, and the shot is blocked again, proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey!

Kyle: It's not fair! Cartman's fatter than the goal!

Cartman: I'm not fat, I just have a sweet hockey body.

Stan: Dad, why is everyone letting the old people do this? Why doesn't somebody stop them?

Randy: They've tried to stop them, son, but the seniors get up so early in the morning they...get everything done before everyone else is even awake.

Kyle: They're saying something about taking over the whole country!

Randy: Yes... And now seeing how early they get up, I don't see how anyone can stop them. Wait a minute! You boys! You get up almost as early as they do. You can fight them.

Cartman: Come on Kyle who are you going to invite besides Stan and Kenny?

Kyle: I'm going to take Butters. He invited me to his Birthday last month so I owe him one.

Cartman: Butters?!! You're going to take that butthole? Why?

Kyle: Because Butters have never been a total dick to me!

Cartman: I have never been a dick to you!

Kyle: Oh please! All you ever do is call me names and rip on me for being Jewish!

Cartman: Kyle, when is the last time I rip on you for being a Jew? [flashback clips occur from when Cartman rips on Kyle for being Jewish on other past episodes]

Cartman: [flashback ends] OK, expect maybe for that one time...

Kyle: You've always been a dick to me Cartman, and I'm not inviting you.

Cartman: Kyle, You don't understand. Casa Bonita is my most favorite place in the whole world. I'll just-I'll Just die if you don't take me, please!

Kyle: Sorry, my mind is made up.

Cartman: [exploding and flipping Kyle off]WELL, FUCK YOU, KYLE! I DON'T WANT TO GO TO YOUR FAGGY BIRTHDAY PARTY ANYWAY! I'D RATHER HANG OUT AT HOME THAN HAVE TO BE WITH YOU AND YOUR JEW MOM ALL DAY! KISS MY BALLS, ASSHOLE!

[Cartman leaves but returns moments later]

Cartman: Dude, I totally didn't mean that, Kyle. I really, really wanna go to Casa Bonita. I'm sorry we had that fight just now. I mean, I said some things, you said some things, but I think it was good, and we've moved past it.

Kyle: I'm not inviting you Casa Bonita!

Cartman: [exploding and flipping Kyle off again]WELL, FUCK YOU, KYLE! I HOPE YOU DIE! I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE!!!

[Cartman leaves and this time, he doesn't return]

[Cartman comes to Kyle's house dressed in a nice sweater]

Cartman: Hey Kyle.

Kyle: That isn't it, Cartman.

Cartman: What isn't it?

Kyle: That isn't being nice, that's just putting on a nice sweater.

Cartman: I don't understand the difference.

Kyle: I know you don't. [closes the door]

Cartman: Take that Jimmy and that! DON'T YOU DARE TALK BAD ABOUT KYLE AGAIN! KYLES MY FRIEND AND IF YOU SAID IF YOU HAVE SEX WITH KYLES MOM I WILL LET YOU REALLY HAVE IT! DID YOU HEAR ME?!! Oh. Hey Kyle.

Kyle: Do you really think beating up handycap kids is being nice?

Cartman: Hey Kyle! Knock knock, Kyle! Knock knock!

Kyle: Yeah Casa Bonita this Saturday!

Butters: Wow, that's going to be so great!

Stan: Yeah. Just the four of us.

Kenny: Yeah!

Cartman: Hey, Kyle.

Kyle: Well. How are you going to get invited to Casa Bonita this time?

Cartman: I'm not Kyle. I already know you told Butters he can go.

Kyle: Oh. Well, I did.

Cartman: So fine, Kyle, but honestly I never meant to treat you as you don't matter at all to me. I know we argue all the time and I give you tons of crap but we also have been through a lot together. Maybe that alone doesn't makes us friends but it makes us something. So fine, Kyle, I hope things will be cool.

Kyle: I'm still not inviting you to Casa Bonita.

Cartman: I know, Kyle. I'll see you later.

Kyle: Hey, Cartman? You really sure you don't care if you can't go?

Cartman: I care sure but I hope it doesn't mean you, me, Stan and Kenny can't hang out anymore.

Kyle: Thats what I wanted to hear from all along. I still have to take Butters but I hope things can be cool to.

Cartman: Sure.

Kyle: Hey, if for some reason Butters is unable to go you can take his place.

Cartman: Sweet whatever! [Walking away from Kyle] Bingo!

Kyle: Where is Butters? We are supposed to leave 40 minutes ago.

Kyles mom: Well, I think we should be going without him Kyle because its getting late.

Kyle: Yeah screw him lets go.

[Doorbell ringing]

Kyle: Oh, finally!

Cartman: Happy Birthday, Kyle. I just came to stop here to you your present.

Kyle: Oh. Thanks dude!

Cartman: Hope you have a good one, I'll see you later.

Kyle: Oh wait Cartman.

[Cartman stops]

Cartman: Yes?

Kyle: Butters didn't show. You want to go to Casa Bonita with us?

Cartman: Butters didn't show? I can't believe it. Are you sure you told him the right time and everything?

Kyle: I told him 5:30 and he we got to get going. Are you in?

Cartman: Well I should be going home to get my no I have everything I need lets go.

Kyle: Alright lets go.

Kyles mom: Okay boys get in the car.

Cartman: Casa Bonita here we come.

Kyles mom: Oh Hello Mr Stotch.

Butters dad: Hello everyone. Have any of you seen our son?

Kyle: Butters is supposed to go with us to Casa Bonita tonight.

Butters Dad: We know but he hasn't been home since last night. The police been looking everywhere but well thank you. Please let us know if you find out with anything.

Kyle: Dude weak.

Cartman: Yeah man That sucks about Butters. Well lets get going shall we.

Kyle: Nah. Dude I can't go to a birthday party while Butters is missing.

Stan: Yeah its kind of weird.

Cartman: Yeah Yeah. I think you're right but on the other hand I think Buttters would want us to go. You know Butters.

Kyle: Nah I can't. We should help look for him.

Stan: Yeah.

Kyles mom: Thats very good of you boys. We can postphone Casa Bonita till next Saturday.

Cartman: Next Saturday?!! I'll never be able to keep Butters down in the depts of my heart for that long. I sure he shows up he turns up before then.

Stan: Dude we should check over at Starks pond Butters always hangs out there.

Kyle: Yeah and we should try the football field.

Kyles mom: I'll drive you boys.

Cartman: OH Goddamit. I'm going to try to keep Butters down in that Bomb Shelter for a whole week.

Butters: But Eric, how am I supposed to re-populate the Earth?

Cartman: You know like, with your wiener.

Butters: With my wiener?!

Stan: Dude, it's Kyle's birthday, we should do whatever he wants to do.

Gary's sister: And you must be Stan's sister! Oh, I think your brother's the greatest!

Shelley: My brother is a stupid turd!

Gary: Hey, Stan.

Stan: Oh, brother.

Cartman: Uh oh, the jilted lover returns!

Gary: Listen, I just wanted to let you know you don't have to worry about me trying to be your friend anymore.

Stan: ...I don't?

Gary: Look, maybe us Mormons do believe in crazy stories that make absolutely no sense. And maybe Joseph Smith did make it all up. But I have a great life and a great family and I have the Book of Mormon to thank for that. The truth is, I don't care if Joseph Smith made it all up. Because what the church teaches now is loving your family, being nice and helping people. And even though people in this town might think that's stupid, I still choose to believe in it. All I ever did was try to be your friend, Stan, but you're so high and mighty you couldn't look past my religion and just be my friend back. You got a lot of growing up to do, buddy. Suck my balls.

[Gary leaves. Stan just stands and stares in shock at what just happened]

Cartman: Damn, that kid is cool, huh?

Randy: Let me handle this, Sharon. You gotta put these cult people in their place or else they never stop! I'm gonna go kick this Mr. Harrison's ass! [exits and slams the door shut, but quickly returns] Is Mr. Harrison...is a...is a white guy, right?

Stan: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute! What did I do wrong? I haven't even talked to Wendy for weeks!

Bebe: Whatever! You guys are assholes!

Butters: At least we have assholes you dumb girl!

Jimmy: Stan told me to tell you he thinks you're a cont...cont...cont...you're a cont, cont, cont... [sounding like cunt]

Wendy: Well tell Stan to fuck off! [leaves]

Jimmy: Cont...continuing source of inspiration to him.

Butters: Well, thanks for offering to let me in your clique, guys, but, to be honest, I'd rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy Goth kid.

Goth Kid: You can't be a nonconformist if you don't drink coffee.

Goth Kid: If you want to be one of the nonconformists, all you have to do is dress just like us and listen to the same music we do.

Butters: I love life...Yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like...It makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness.

Cartman: You guys get Ike. Kenny and I will stay here and watch the fort.

Stan: No, you're both coming. Do you care about Christmas or not?

Cartman: Of course I care about Christmas! Oh, Christ on a stick!

Kyle: All right! We're going to Canada!

Cartman: Weak.

Mr. Twong: Herro from the cockpit, this is your captain speaking. As you can see, it appears that we are going down. Now would be a good time to refrect on your life, and pray to whatever deity you believe in. Thank you for flying Shitty Airlines. We know you have a choice in airlines, and it rooks rike you made the wrong one.

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Alright boys, prepare yourselves. We're about to enter French Canada.

Kyle: French Canada?

French Canadians: [singing] There's no Canada like French Canada, its the best Canada in the land! The other Canada is hardly Canada; if you lived here for a day, you'd understand!

Mime: Oh, ha ha! Welcome to French Canada!

Hockey Player: We have everything your heart could desire! Trapezes, trampolines, and lots and lots of cheese!

Artist: Would you like a mustache?

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Just stay calm, boys. French Canadians are a little odd.

Stan: Uh, we're just passing through to see the new Prime Minister.

Mime: Well first, you must answer that phone. [miming a phone call] Ring ring, ring ring.

Kyle: We don't have time for this.

Mime: You cannot pass through French Canada unless you take that phone call! [miming a phone call] Ring ring, ring ring.

Kyle: [grudgingly playing along] Hello.

Mime: Hello! If you are going to see the new Prime Minister, then I want to go with you! He has passed a new law forbidding us French Canadians to drink wine!

Artist: How can the French not drink wine?! Travestie!

Kyle: Okay, you can come with us.

Mime: Ha ha, very good! Let us make haste!

French Canadians: [singing] There's no Canada like French Canada, its the best Canada in the land! And the other Canada--

Mime: --is a bullshit Canada!

French Canadians: [singing] If you lived there for a day, you'd understand!

Mime: I think you'd understand. You understand.

[Scott appears suddenly]

Scott: Hey, what are you doing?!

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Argh!

Mime: Oh no! It's Scott!

Scott: What are you two doing helping these Americans? Don't you know America thinks it owns Canada along with the rest of the world?!

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: You're a dick, Scott!

Kyle: God damnit, we need to get to the new Prime Minister, now!

Steve the Newfoundlander: Oh yeah, the new Prime Minister, eh? He sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland. Life just hasn't been the same since he made sodomy illegal.

Kyle: Can we just get going please?

Steve the Newfoundlander: Yeah sure, there's just one problem.

Stan: What?

Steve the Newfoundlander: You folks is going the wrong way.

Stan: What?! But I thought there was only one road in Canada!

Steve the Newfoundlander: Yeah, and you all went the wrong direction on it.

Rick: Oh, that's right! Ottawa is that way!

Mime: Of course! Ottawa left, Newfoundland right!

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: It's okay, boys. The power is inside us to get to Ottawa! We can wish ourselves there!

Mime: Ah yes! Lets wish ourselves there!

[harps and angelic choir music is heard]

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Is it working?

Steve the Newfoundlander: Of course, we could always take me boat, aye.

Saddam Hussein: [acting as the Prime Minister of Canada] Uh, don't mind that guy hiding in the spider hole, he's just my friend.

Cartman: Yeah, you got your brother back, but I didn't get any presents! And what did I tell you, Kyle? [takes off his mittens] I told you if we didn't make it back in time for Christmas I was gonna whoop your ass, didn't I? [takes off his coat, bunches it up, and throws it aside]

Kyle: Dude, come on.

Cartman: Well now you're gonna get it, motherfucker! That's right, you and me, right now; we're having it out! Let's go! Come on! Come on! [Kyle lightly slaps Cartman, causing him to enter a daze; he snaps out of it and wails uncontrollably] Waaaaaahhhh! Waaaaaaahh! Mooooom! Mooooom!

Cartman: You see, guys? This is why Jews can't be ninjas. They've got no spine.

Kyle: You don't know anything about Jews, fatass!

[After Stan's attempt to remove the ninja star]

Kyle: Stop, dude! You're gonna scramble his brain!

Cartman: Go ahead and scramble it, then he won't remember it was us.

[Butters changes into Professor Chaos]

Butters: Let's see how you like dealing with me, Ninjas! [laughs evilly]

[he stomps down the stairs while grunting and punches the wall, leaving a huge dent]

Mrs. Stotch: Ooh, Butters. Are you going out to play again?

Butters: Yeah, Mom. I'm just going outside for a little while.

Mrs. Stotch: Well could you be a sweetie and take that pie over there to the Thompsons? I made it to thank them for babysitting you last week.

Butters: [normal voice] Oh, o-o-okay, Mom.

Jimmy: Wha-what's the matter, fellas? Are you ninjas or p-p-p-p-p-pussies?

Cartman: We're twice the ninjas you fags are!

Kyle: We were taking him to the vet until you fucked it all up! Butters!

Craig: Was he bleeding?

Cartman: [uninterested] Yeah, a little. Butters!

Craig: Oh, shit. You guys are in trouble. We're out of here!

Stan: No, dude! You gotta help us find him!

Craig: To hell with that!

Cartman: We're in this together, Craig! If Butters tells on us, we're gonna tell on you; that's the ninja code!

Animal Shelter Worker: Here you go pup, I've got a sweet dose of murder for ya. [notices the open kennel] What the--? Blast it, he's escaped! [sighs, moves towards another dog] Oh well, let's murder one of these other dogs.

Chef: Well, you children should be careful with those weapons, you could put somebody's eye out.

Kyle: Yeah, we know.

Kyle: Okay, hang on guys, I'll use my special power to see into the future, and find out where we should head next.

Cartman: Hold on you guys, I actually have another power. I can see into the future too, but better than Kyle. Let me try.

Kyle: God damn it, Cartman, you can't keep making up powers!

Stan: Yeah, dude, that's like the fifth power you've come up with!

Cartman: I am Bullrog, and I have lots and lots of powers.

Kyle: No, asshole! From now on you only get to have one power! So what is it?

Cartman: I have the power to have all the powers I want.

Kyle: That doesn't count, fat ass!

Stan: Yeah, that's it, Cartman, now you don't get to have any powers!

[Cartman whines]

Cartman: Alright, dick hole, time for you to pay! [realizes his powers don't work] Oh, no, I have no powers! Kyle took them away from me! Quick, Kyle, give me back my powers so I can fight this evil villain!

Kyle: Okay, okay, you can have your powers back!

Cartman: Alright, now I use my powers to...turn Kyle into a chicken! Blam!

Cartman: This is why you can't bring Jews on away missions! They don't play along!

Kyle: People don't hate the Jews!

Cartman: Really? Three hundred million domestic box-office, Kyle. The top-grossing film of all time, Kyle. Those numbers don't lie. If you're not scared of The Passion, then go see it. Go see it and tell me I'm wrong. Mel Gibson, Kyle. Mel Gibson.

Stan: We want our money back.

Ticket Guy: Huh?

Stan: That movie sucked ass. We want our money back.

Ticket Guy: I can't refund your money. You sat through the whole movie.

Stan: That wasn't a movie! It was a snuff film! You should not charge people to watch a guy getting tortured for two hours!

Ticket Guy: That "guy" happens to be Jesus. And he went through all of that to pay for your sins!

Stan: We go to church to learn that stuff! We go to movies to be entertained! We weren't entertained so we want our money back!

Ticket Guy: I'm no allowed to give your money back after you sat through the whole movie! You'd have to take your complaints up with the film's producer's.

Stan: What, Mel Gibson? You're saying we should get our money back from Mel Gibson?

Ticket Guy: Yeah, I'd like to see you try.

Stan: Oh, we will! This is America. And in America, if something sucks, you're suppossed to be able to get your money back! Come on, Kenny!

[Kenny and Stan are trying to get their money back from seeing the Passion]

Cartman: Uh-huh, so you want to join the fan club now? Our first meeting is tomorrow at 5.30pm...

Stan: No, no, no, we want our money back!

Cartman: What?

Stan: We thought the movie sucked and we want Mel Gibson to give us back our $18! Do you know how we can get in touch with him?

Cartman: You thought it sucked!? Sir, apparently you don't understand what Mel Gibson was trying to do; he was trying to express, through cinema, the horror and filthiness of the common Jew! It has made people the world over open their eyes!

Stan: Look kid, we just thought it was a bad movie, so just tell us how we can get in touch with Mel Gibson and get our money back!

Cartman: If I knew where Mel Gibson was, I'd be down on the floor licking his balls at this very moment, sir! All I know is he lives somewhere in Malibu, now stop wasting me and Mel Gibson's time, you little wussy prick!

Kyle: I feel way better about being a Jew now that I know Mel Gibson is just a big wacko douche.

Rabbi: And now, one of our fine young shlokas, Kyle Broflovski, has asked if he could speak to the congregation.

Kyle: Thank you, Rabbi. In 1973, the United States officially issued an apology to the African-American community for slavery. In 1956, Germany officially apologized for World War II AND the Holocaust. And now, I believe, in 2004, the Jewish community needs to apologize for the death of Jesus. [the others are outraged]

Red Goth: I'm not doing it. Being in a dance group is totally conformist.

Henrietta: Yeah, I'm not conforming to some dance-off regulations.

Kindergoth: I'm not doing it either. I'm the biggest non-conformist of all.

Curly Goth: I'm such a non-conformist that I'm not going to conform with the rest of you. Okay, I'll do it.

Stan: Great!

[pause]

Henrietta: Whoa. I think we just got put in our place.

Red Goth: Yeah, we just got goth served.

Stan: Hey kid, you're pretty good. How would you like to join our dance troupe?

Yao: You mean dancing without a machine telling you what to do?

Stan: Yeah.

Yao: That's stupid.

Lil' Kim: Wassup, niggas!

Stan: But that isn't the point, Butters, the point is that this is now! It's on, and there are people who need you to step up. Look, nobody likes having to rise to a challenge, but competing against other people and getting in their faces and saying "ha ha, I'm better than you" is part of life. And if you can't face that, then you might as well sit here playing with Lego until you're an old man.

Butters: Get out of my room, Stan.

Stan: Fine. But one day you're gonna have to stop running from what happened and deal with it, otherwise you might as well move to France with all the other pussies. [leaves Butters' room]

News Reporter: Aaron, I'm standing at the Time Portal, which scientists say follows Terminator rules, that is it's one way only and you can't go back. This is in contrast to say, Back to the Future rules, where back and forth is possible, and of course Timerider rules which are just plain silly.

Redneck #1: They took our jobs!

Redneck #2: Took-er jerbs!

Redneck #3: Derka der!

Cartman: Hel-lo ma'am. We're going around town and offering snow-shoveling service. Would you like your driveway and sidewalk shoveled for eight thousand dollars?

Woman: Oh well, I certainly could use some little snow-shovelers, but eight thousand dollars seems a little steep. How about ten dollars?

Dr. Doctor: From the test results, it would appear your child was tortured by a bully. He received a massive snuggie; his underwear pulled up so high it nearly killed him. He also received two Indian sunburns on his forearms, a charlie horse on the thigh, and a second-degree titty-twister. And from the damage to his head area, it appears he was also given a swirly-- a colossal one. It also looks like he received a noogie, and a Polish bike ride.

Dr. Doctor: Boys, you have to let him rest. Some mean kid gave him a Texas Chili Bowl.

Gerald: [taken aback] What? Uh, n-nothing. I'll explain it to you when you're a little older.

Kyle: But our teacher, Mr. Garrison? He just had his penis made into a vagina. How come?

Ike: Penis!

Gerald: Your teacher had a sex change? Oh my God!

Ike: Vagina!

Kyle: Mom! Dad! I have awesome news! The doctor who gave Mr. Garrison a sex-change said he could make me tall and black!

Sheila: What?

Kyle: Dr. Biber said he can give me a Negroplasty so I can finally look the way I've always wanted. He even took my picture and then did computer imaging to show what I would look like after the surgery.

Gerald: Oh, just great! You see, Sheila? This is what your transgender progressive thinking gets you! Now your son wants to be transracial!

Kyle: Can I have $3000, Mom and Dad? Huh? Can I?

Sheila: Absolutely not, Kyle!

Kyle: But why not? You said sometimes people need surgery to make them feel better about themselves.

Sheila: Yes, but Kyle--

Kyle: Well, all my life I felt I was black! I've listened to hip-hop, I watch UPN and I love playing basketball! My body doesn't reflect who I am inside.

Sheila: Kyle, you have to accept your body the way it is.

Kyle: Why? Why do I have to accept it when I can change it?

Sheila: The answer is no, Kyle! You're not going to have a Negroplasty!

Kyle: But Jews can't play basketball!

Gerald: Kyle, you'd better stop being anti-Semitic right now, mister!

Kyle: [shouts] I'm not speaking to either one of you ever again! [storms into his room]

Gerald: Look, Ike! Your daddy's a dolphin!

Mr. Slave: I don't like vaginas.

Mrs. Garrison: You men are all alike! Go ahead and find somebody who doesn't have a vagina, you fag!

Mrs. McCormick: Kenny? Kenny, are you still playin' with that thing? Kenny, it's been two weeks and you've done nothin' else!

Kenny: I could get to level 60!

Mrs. McCormick: Who cares if you almost made it to level 60? You're wastin' your life, Kenny! If you died tomorrow, what would you have to show for it? You're gonna end up wishin' you'd done more with your life, just like your deadbeat father!

Mr. McCormick: 'Ey! I heard that, bitch!

Mrs. McCormick: I wasn't talkin' to you, asshole!

Michael: God intended Kenny to die! What are these people doing?

Angel: The Keanu Reeves boy has been revived on Earth! His soul is no longer in Heaven!

Satan: Then GOD is helpless!

Stan: Don't kill Kenny!

Protesters: You bastards!

Uriel: No! There is another. A Japanese boy did make it to level 59.

Michael: Are you stupid, Uriel? Japanese people don't have souls!

Angels: Yeah, Uriel!

Uriel: Oh. Right, right. I'm sorry.

Kevin: Keep your army marching my Lord. I will get that feeding tube removed.

Satan: How?

Kevin: I will do what we always do. Use the Republicans.

[The hooded figure hisses into Bush's left ear]

George Bush: We Republicans are deeply saddened by the recent events in Colorado!

Kevin: Removing the feeding tube is murder! Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...

George Bush: Removing the feeding tube is murder!

Kevin: Who are we to decide that Kenny should live or die? Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...

George Bush: Who are we to decide that Kenny should live or die?

Kevin: It is God's will that he live!

George Bush: It is God's will that he live!

Kevin: Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...

George Bush: Haghaghaghagha...

Kevin: No no, you don't say that part, Haaghaghaghaghaghagha . [hisses into Bush's right ear]

Butters: Well you know, Preacher says before your soul can be at peace, sometimes you have to atone for something bad you did.

Cartman: Atone?

Butters: Did you ever do something really bad?

Cartman: [Thinking] Not really.

[Fast-forward: Butters is writing a long list]

Cartman: Let's see, oh and I broke Mr Anderson's fence and never told him about it, I took a crap in the Principal's purse - seven times, then there was the time I convinced a woman to have an abortion so I could build my own Shakey's Pizza, I pretended to be retarded and joined the Special Olympics, I tried to have all the Jews exterminated last spring... oh yeah there was this one kid whose parents I killed and them made into chili which I fed to the kid.

Butters: Boy oh boy, Eric you've got a lot to atone for.

Cartman: Really?

Butters: Really. I mean honestly, I don't know how you're going to make up for all of this.

Mr. Mackey: [reading a note from the sex ed "question box"] "Mr. Mackey is gay." OK, kids, that's not funny, m'kay! This box is supposed to be used for serious questions, about serious issues, m'kay? Let's stop the tomfoolery. M'kay, let's look at a real one here. "Dear Mr. Mackey, you are gay." All right, all right, that is enough, kids! Let's quiet down and try to be mature, m'kay! Here we go, m'kay. "Mr. Mackey, sometimes my parents hit me...and you are gay." Dammit is there not one serious question in here?! [quietly going through notes] "Mr. Mackey's gay..." "Mr. Mackey's gay..." Okay, here: "I am a boy at South Park Elementary. Sometimes when I'm sitting in class, my penis becomes hard for no reason. What should I do?"

Gerald: Maybe we should strip these jackets off and warm our bodies next to each other.

Randy: Don't be a fag!

Stan: Dude! Dude, did you see the news last night?

Cartman: Yeah.

Stan: You saw all those people trapped on their roofs?

Cartman: Yeah, that was pretty funny.

Randy: [draws a line near near the bottom of a USA map] Everyone below this line will have to be evacuated to the South... [draws another line further up] Everyone above this line is already dead. [draws two horizontal lines in between the two verticals] People like us in the middle states will have to ride it out... [draws a sphere] People in the balmy south-western states might have a chance, but [draws a small horizontal line between and at the end of the two horizontals] New York will have tidal waves that will envelop the north-east. [draws a circle, making the diagram resemble a penis and testicles]

[long pause; a man stifles a snigger]

Randy: What, Frank?

[he continues to snigger and points to Randy's penis-shaped diagram]

Randy: [looks at it a moment and realizes] Aw! Oh, goddammit. [draws a squiggle to cover it]

Mrs. Garrison: Why don't you tell the children a little about yourself, Marjorine?

Marjorine: I'm just a typical little girl. I like dancing, and ponies, and getting my snootch pounded on Friday nights.

Clyde: Nice.

Mrs. Garrison: Now, Marjorine, that's not very ladylike. Us Colorado girls love to get pounded in the snizz just like any woman, but we keep it to ourselves.

Doctor: [after the pig splatters everywhere and he checks the pulse] "He... Didn't make it".

Old Man: Mr. Stotch, I know what you're thinkin'.

Mr. Stotch: Who are you?

Old Man: I came to talk you out of it. You need to just accept that your son is dead... and not try to bring him back.

Mr. Stotch: Bring him back? Wha-what are you talking about?

Old Man: I know you're thinkin' of puttin' him up there, in the Indian burial ground up that road. You're thinkin' if you bury his body there it'll come back to life. But sometimes dead is better.

Mr. Stotch: Indian burial ground?

Old Man: It's been done before, what you're thinkin' of. The Nelson boy, back in '85...

Mr. Stotch: You're saying if I dig up my son's body and rebury him at the old Indian burial ground--

Old Man: Don't do it, Stotch! What comes out of the ground... ain't the thing you put in. The Indians knew that, that's why they stopped usin' it when the ground went sour. I'm just here to talk you out of it. [heads for the door] Don't bury your son's body at the Indian burial ground, Stotch! The one that's right up over there, behind the Andersons' barn. Sometimes... dead is better.

Cartman: God only knows the horrors that go on at girls' slumber parties.

Red hair girl: Hey Marjorine you want to know your future?

Turner: What the hell?

Cartman: Hahahaha! We have the device now! The power belong to us! Hahahaha!

Turner: Anybody has a piece of notebook paper so I can make another one?

Mr. Garrison: Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies! [teasing] Two daddies, two daddies!

Kyle: Do you really think my hat is stupid?

Stan: As a matter of fact, I think it is the nicest hat I have ever known.

Mrs. Garrison: We need to tell the Governor and the world that gay marriage is not ok! That homosexuals cannot muddy our traditions! And there is only on =e way for us to make that message very clear! We need to round up three or four queers and beat the living hell out of them! [the crowd is silent] Come on, everybody! Let's get some queers and some trucks and have us a good old-fashioned Fag Drag!

Man in Anti-Homosexual Rally: Well, er, we were thinking we could just go appeal to the Governor.

Mrs. Garrison: Well I think we have all learned an important lesson, haven't we, class: if you don't make the right choices in life, you can end up being a big loser like Stan's dad.

[silence]

Mrs. Garrison: Drinking and driving is for idiots. Nobody wants to end up like Stan's dad, do they?

[silence]

Mrs. Garrison: I want you all to take a good look at Stan's dad, and say: "Is that who I wanna be in 30 years? Getting tickets and having to go to elementary-school classrooms and talk about how pathetic I am?" Thank you, Mr. Marsh, I think you have made your point.

Field Reporter: And the Pope said, quote, "A chick bleeding out her vagina is no miracle. Chicks bleed out their vaginas all the time."

Butters: [after seeing a police detective perform a rim job on a doll] My Uncle Bud did that to me once!

Chef: [after meeting a large dancer at a strip club Chef's trance begins to waver] Wait a minute...

Stan: He's remembering!

Chef: Children! What have I done?

Cartman: It's okay, Chef. Go on, remember!

Chef: [singing] I'm gonna-- I'm gonna...

Kyle: Come on Chef, you can do it.

Chef: [singing] I'm gonna make love to you, woman! Gonna lay ya down by the fiyah!

The boys: YAY!

Mr. Connolly: [about the Super Adventure Club's founder] And he lived for eternity, until he was hit by a train in 1892.

[after hearing the Super Adventure Club's story]

Kyle: Do you realize how retarded that sounds?

Mr. Connolly: Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his only son down to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded that Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty years?

Stan: Yeah, it's way, way more retarded.

Mr. Connolly: If you choose not to leave, then we will have to...call security and make you leave. It will be super-embarrassing and everyone here will see!

Stan: Oh my God. They killed Chef.

Kyle: You bastards! YOU BASTARDS!

Mr. Connolly: Pity. He would've made an excellent child molester.

Cartman: Maybe-- maybe he's still OK. [the others look at him] No, really, the say the last thing you do before you die is crap your p-[Chef's body voids its bowels] Oh, never mind.

Kyle: We're all here today because Chef has been such an important part of our lives. A lot of us don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. Some of us... feel hurt... and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile. I'm gonna remember Chef as the jolly old guy who always broke into song. I'm gonna remember Chef... as the guy who gave us advice to live by. So you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that fruity little club for scrambling his brains.

Randy: Yeah.

Mr. Mackey: He's right.

Kyle: And in the end, I know that somewhere out there... there's the good part of Chef...that's still alive in us all.

Mr. Connolly: Chef, can you hear me? Say something.

Darth Chef: Hello there, children. How would you like some Salisbury steak?

Mr. Connolly: Yes, go on.

Darth Chef: And for dessert, how would you children like to suck on my chocolate salty balls?

Gerald: Which cartoon is it? What cartoon'll be so insensitive as to have Muhammad as a character?

Randy: Who do you think? The cartoon that's always pushing buttons with their careless toilet humor... Family Guy!

Cartman: That's different! I'm just a little boy! That's a cartoon! Millions of people watch it! How would you feel, Kyle, if there was a cartoon on television that made fun of Jews all the time?! Huh?!

Cartman: [about Family Guy] It's wrong! It's wrooooong!

Chris: Freedom of speech is at stake here, don't you all see? If anything, we should all make cartoons of Muhammad, and show the terrorists and the extremists that we are all united in the belief that every person has a right to say what they want! Look, people, it's been real easy for us to stand up for free speech lately. For the past few decades we haven't had to risk anything to defend it. But those times are going to come! And one of those times is right now. And if we aren't willing to risk what we have, then we just believe in free speech, but we don't defend it!

Mrs Garrison: Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim. It's Friday night, but you can't have sex, and you can't jack off. There's sand in your eyes and probably in the crack of your ass, and then some cartoon comes along from a country where people are getting laid, and mocks your prophet. Well you know what? I'd be pretty pissed off too!

Cartman: Mr. Garrison, that is ignorant and racist! Muslims are mad because of Family Guy, not because they can't jack off! Right, Wendy? [Wendy is surprised]

Wendy: ...Yeah.

Kyle: You should like that show, your sense of humour is just like Family Guy.

Cartman: [explodes] Don't you ever, ever compare me to Family Guy, you hear me Kyle?! Compare me to Family Guy again and so help me, I will kill you where you stand!

Kyle: [realising] You unbelieveable son of a bitch...you never cared about the Muslim religion or the safety of people in America, you just want Family Guy off the air!

Cartman: Do you have any idea what it's like? Everywhere I go: 'Hey Cartman you must like Family Guy, right?' 'Hey, your sense of humor reminds me of Family Guy, Cartman!' I am NOTHING like Family Guy! When I make jokes they are inherent to a story! Deep situational and emotional jokes based on what is relevant and has a point, not just one random interchangable joke after another!

Closing voiceover: Will networks executives stand up for free speech? Or will Comedy Central puss out?

Ayman al-Zawahri: Seriously, Family Guy isn't even that well written. The jokes are all interchangeable and usually irrelevant to the plot. When this episode airs - our retaliation will be MASSIVE!

Cartman: I'll use this situation to get Family Guy cancelled. I use fear to manipulate people to do my bidding.

Bart Simpson: Uh, isn't that like terrorism?

Cartman: Dude, it's not like terrorism! It is terrorism!

Kyle: Cartman! You fucking fatass!

Cartman: How the hell did you get out?

Kyle: That kid and I had a long talk. I told him he was on a slippery slope to becoming a monster like you!

Cartman: Oh goddamnit! You gave him one of your gay little speeches, didn't you?

Cartman: Well Kyle, I guess it was inevitable.

[Cartman and Kyle take their gloves off, stare at each other, and engage in a slap fight]

Cartman: Ow! Kyle stop it-no Kyle that's too hard!

President Bush: Look, the fact of the matter is, the Family Guy writing staff is protected by something called the First Amendment.

Reporter 1: And what exactly is this First Amendment, Mr. President?

George W. Bush: ...you know. Right to free speech.

[Many of the reporters groan loudly and begin yelling]

Reporter 2: Mr. President, when your administration came up with this First Amendment, did it not foresee a problem like this might happen?

George W. Bush: Well, we didn't come up with the First Amendment. It was already in place.

Reporter 3: What do you intend to do about this First Amendment, Mr. President?

Reporter 4: Forgive me, Mr. President, but this First Amendment sounds like a lot of bureaucratic jibbery-jroo.

[in a meeting with Terrance and Phillip]

Terrance: ALL RIGHT, JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!

Phillip: You censored out the image of Muhammad in our television special!

Network President: Ey! You guys know the rules! Nobody can show the image of Muhammad anymore. It's dangerous.

Terrance: But you ruined the whole show!

Network President: Look, I'm not gonna risk the lives of the people at this network. Let's just forget aboat it, okay guys? [farts and laughs. Terrance and Phillip look hard at him, their arms crossed] Aw, come on guys, give me a break.

Phillip: We demand you rerun Mystery at the Lazy "J" Ranch with Muhammad uncensored!

CBC President: Ey, I make the rules, not you guys! And if you ask me, your show has become so preachy and full of morals that you have forgotten how to be funny! No Muhammad!

Terrence: Hello Muhammad, we've read all aboot you in the Qur'an.

Mohammed: I'm here to investigate a murder.

Fox president:Take this noble child out to the family guy offices. If he can scare them like he has us, maybe we can pull the Muhammah episode after all.

Cartman: Good, Kyle! That's good anger you're showing there! That's emotional character development based on what's happening in the storyline! Not at all like Family Guy.

SNN Anchor: Muslims continue to riot in the Middle East, demanding that Family Guy not air tonight's episode. And Muslim terrorists continue to make threats.

Book Publisher: No, I'm a big book publisher whos not the least bit interested in your stony memoirs, you're a towel.

Gary: Are we in Paris, Mingey?

Oprah Fan: Burn that which lies to Oprah!

Mingey: [After a gun is fired] What the!? Ha ha! You missed me, you stupid buggers! You see that Gary? They can't even aim!

Gary: [weakly] Min-Mingey?

Mingey: Gary? What's wrong?

Gary: They got me, Mingey.

Mingey: [horrified] No! Oh no!

Gary: They got me bad. Oh, the blood...

Mingey: [crying] Try to hang on, Gary.

Gary: It... It's getting dark, Minge.

Mingey: Oh Gary, what have I got you into?

Gary: I'm seeing me life flash before me eyes. Mingey?

Mingey: I'm here, Gary.

Gary: Where - where are we, Mingey? Are we in Paris?

Mingey: Yeah. Yeah, we're in Paris, mate.

Gary: Is it as wonderful as I hoped?

Mingey: It - It's beautiful. We finally made it.

Gary: Tell me what you see, Mingey?

Mingey: Well, there's the... Eiffel Tower right in front of us. The Louvre right over there, behind you, and fresh baguettes all around.

Gary: Ah. I can smell them, Mingey. At least... I got to se Paris before I...

Mingey: Gary? Gary, say something! [Gary has died] YOU KILLED HIM YOU BASTARDS!! HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT ANY PART IN THIS! [To Oprah] THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU STUPID COW! YOU NEVER GAVE YOUR GARY THE TIME OF DAY, AND NOW HE'S GONE! LIFE AIN'T WORTH LIVIN' ANYMORE! WHAT'S THE USE!? I'M COMIN' TO SEE YOU GARY! [loads the gun] I'M COMIN' TO SEE YOU!

Mr. Mackey: Now today we have a special guest speaker, does anyone know who our last vice-president was?

[brief silence]

Kyle: Dick Cheney?

Mr. Mackey: No, no, the last one.

Butters: Bill Clinton?

Mr. Mackey: No, Clinton's Vice President.

[silence, no one knows who Al Gore is]

Al Gore: I've killed ManBearPig!

Cartman: If I miss dinner, I'm going to be so pissed off!

Al Gore: Everyone is super stoked on me, even if they don't know it.

Worker: What is that, a pigbearman?

Al Gore: No, stupid, it's ManBearPig.

Al Gore: It's a half-man, half-bear, and half-pig.

Al Gore: This looks like ManBearPig central!

Kyle: It's half-man, and half-bearpig.

Cartman: No! It's half-man, half-bear, and half-pig!

Kyle: That doesn't make any sense.

Stan: It could be half-bear and half man-pig.

Tour Guide: And that whistling sound is why we call this the Cave of the Winds.

Steven's Wife: Take a picture of the sound, Steven.

Al Gore: I can get you all excused from school.

Cartman: You...have that kind of power?

Stan or Kyle: What do ManBearPig droppings look like?

Al Gore: Kind of like pig droppings but more man-bear like.

Al Gore: Excelsior!

Al Gore: Kids, I saved you.

Stan: Stay away from us, asshole! I was nice to you because I felt sorry for you, because you don't have any friends. But now I see why you don't have any friends. You just use ManBearPig as a way to get attention for yourself because you're a loser!

Al Gore: Yeah right. The man that single handedly killed ManBearPig is a loser.

Al Gore: I am here to educate you about the single biggest threat to our planet. You see, there is something out there which threatens our very existence and may be the end to the human race as we know it. I'm talking, of course, about Manbearpig. It is a creature which roams the Earth alone. It is half man, half bear, and half pig. Some people say that Manbearpig isn't real. Well , I'm here to tell you now, Manbearpig is very real, and he most certainly exists—I'm serial. Manbearpig doesn't care who you are or what you've done. Manbearpig simply wants to get you. I'm super serial. But have no fear, because I am here to save you. And someday, when the world is rid of Manbearpig, everyone will say, "Thank you Al Gore—you're super awesome!" The end.

Al Gore: I'm super serial.

Al Gore: Why does nobody believe that I'm serial?

Cave Ranger: Okay fellow tourists. Here in this cave we can see some stalagmites and stalactites. Over here we have the "Hanging Mushroom" [shows penis made out of rock], and this one we call "Man With Helmet and Two Bowling Balls" [shows penis and testicle combo], and over here we have "The Two Sisters." [shows two penis & testicle combos]

Cartman: I just... I really need the support of my best friend right now.

Jimmy: Who's your best friend?

Cartman: You are, Jimmy! We've always been best friends! We know everything about each other!

Jimmy: What's my last name?

Cartman: [pause] Goddammit.

Cartman: Goddammit, Mom! I'm your son and you will listen to me!

Cesar Millan: TSST!

Cartman: All right, I'll stay with Kenny. Let's go, man.

Kenny: Fuck you.

Stella: I'm serious. Let's put down the video game and go to the kitchen.

Cartman: [in British accent] No thanks, I'd rahther naught.

Stella: It's the time-out stool. You can't get down until the time is up.

Cartman: [looks at her, then hops off the stool] Whoa, how did I do that?

Cartman: You're sterile, is that it? No, that's too convenient of an excuse. The truth is, nobody ever wanted to have babies with you. Isn't that it? Always the mom's maid and never the mom? Must be hard on you, knowing that the years are ticking away, your friends all getting married and all the while your uterus is slowly shriveling away, drying up, becoming totally worthless.

Stella: [horrified] Why, you... you LITTLE BASTARD! How dare you?!

Liane: [calmly] Eric, naughty.

Stella: [picking Cartman up by the collar] What kind of monster would -

Cartman: Yes, let the anger come! Strike me down while you can! But it won't make your dried-up ovaries any more fertile!

[At the Slater-Carey Mental Hospital]

Doctor: I'm afraid Supernanny is in a deep state of mental psychosis.

Liane: What do you mean?

Doctor: I mean she spends most of her time sobbing and eating her own excrement.

[They look into room 23A, where Supernanny Jo is fishing poop out of her toilet and eating it]

Supernanny Jo: From heeell! It's from heeell!

Cartman: Suck my asshole, taco vendor!

Cartman: What the hell is this?! Skinless chicken, boiled vegetables and salad?! This is just like Auschwitz!

Cartman: Yes! I've lost almost ten pounds now. You see what I mean?? I totally know how it felt to be a Jew in the Holocaust now!

Cartman: [as a dwarf warrior] Aw, dude! I just took the biggest crap! Hey, where are you guys?

Kyle: [as a female human mage] We're over here, by the cart!

Cartman: [approaches] Okay, sorry guys.

Stan: [as a human warrior] Dude! We've been waiting forever!

Cartman: Well I'm sorry I had to take a dump!

Kyle: If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fatass!

Cartman: Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a fricking girl!

Kenny: [as a human hunter] I think Kyle has sweet titties, ha-ha-ha!

Cartman: Heh-heh, totally!

[the Rogue player kills Kenny]

Stan: Oh my god! He killed Kenny!

Kyle: You...bastard!

Randy: Stan! Stan!

Stan: Hang on guys. My dad wants something.

Randy: Stan!

Stan: What?!

Randy: You've been on your computer all weekend! Shouldn't you go out and socialize with your friends?

Stan: I am socializing, r-tard! I'm logged on to an MMORPG with people from all over the world and getting XP with my party using team speak!

Randy: [long pause] I'm not an r-tard...

Kyle: Wow, look at all these people playing right now!

Cartman: Yeah, it's bull crap. I bet half of these people are Koreans!

Jim: I've got to get home! My kids are playing World of Warcraft right now!

Rob Pardo: Jim, your kid's characters are already dead.

Jim: No! They only just started playing!

Rob Pardo: Whoever this person is, he's played World of Warcraft nearly every hour of every day for the past two years. Gentlemen, we are dealing with someone here who has absolutely no life.

Blizzard executive: How do you kill that which has no life?

Nelson: Randy, working on that sediment analysis?

Randy: Not now, Nelson. I just joined a big party of Night Elves and we're on a mission to explore the Tower Of Azora together.

Nelson: Is that a computer game?

Randy: No, r-tard, it's an MMORPG. These are real people I'm playing with. See, I'm a hunter, level two. I can chat with all these other people, and check it out, I can even wave to this guy here. [waves to another player, who waves back] In the outside world I'm a simple geologist, but in here... I am Valkor, defender of the Alliance. I have braved the Fargodeep mines and defeated the Blood Fish at Jarod's La--

[The Rogue walks up behind Valkor and stabs him unexpectedly]

Nelson: Looks like that guy just killed you. [walks away]

Randy: What? Why? WHY?!

Cartman: If you had a chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, would you do it? I mean, I personally wouldn't stop him because I think he was awesome, but YOU would, right?

Clyde: I'm just going to stop playing.

Cartman: When Hitler rose to power, there were a lot of people who just stopped playing. You know who those people were? The French. Are you French, Clyde?

Blizzard Executive: We can't give the Sword of a Thousand Truths to a newb!

Randy: Stan! Stan!

Stan: Dad, not now!

Randy: Stan, I've been sent here...to give you THIS. [holds up the Sword of 1000 Truths] This sword will completely drain his mana!

Stan: How did you get that?!

Randy: No time! Just take it! Here!

[long pause]

Randy: Um, how do you hand items from one player to another?

Stan: Bring up your Inventory screen, Ctrl-I!

Randy: Okay...

Cartman: Stan, what the hell are you doing?!

Stan: [receives sword] I got it!

[The Rogue kills Randy's character]

Stan: Dad!

Randy: (weakly) Staaaan...

Stan: [to The Rogue] You killed my father. [strikes him] YAHHH!

Cartman: His shield and armor spells are down! Attack!

[Kenny shoots Jenkins with an arrow; Kyle brings him down with a fireball; Cartman approaches)

Cartman: Looks like you're about to get pwned. RAAAHHH! [smashes The Rogue's head in with his hammer]

Butters: I don't play World of Warcraft.

Cartman: Butters, you said you were on your computer all the time.

Butters: Yeah, but I'm playing Hello Kitty: Island Adventure.

[long pause]

Cartman: [sighs] Butters, go buy World of Warcraft, install it on your computer and join the online sensation before we all murder you.

Butters: Oh...all right, then.

Cartman: Prepare to charge! Scroll over him with your mouse cursors and...right click!

Rob Pardo: Gentlemen, this could very well be the end of the world...of Warcraft.

Developer: No... NOOOOO!

Rob: I don't have a World of Warcraft account, do you?

Mike: No, I have a life!

Cartman: [all have died after attempting to outnumber and overpower The Rogue Player, with only Cartman's character left alive] No! Leave me alone! Don't do this-! [The Rouge kills him and jumps around the fallen players as if he's taunting them. Cut to an angered Cartman]

[Liane comes down to the basement and holds a bedpan under her son's ass. Cartman takes down his pants and out comes a spattering stream of shit. Some of it ends up on the floor, some on Liane's blouse and trousers]

George W. Bush: Shut up! You think we don't know your name? We know everything. We control everything. We've all worked very hard to keep our involvement in 9/11 a secret. But you just had to keep digging.

Kyle: Really?

Head of the conspiracy group: You won't get away with it! People know!

George W. Bush: People, you mean sheeple. We have the majority of them kept in blissful ignorance. Just one more leak to fix.

Head of the conspiracy group: Wait, what are you doing?

George W. Bush: You've been a thorn in our side for too long, I'm afraid.

Head of the conspiracy group: No! You can't do this! Please! I'll stop, I'll take down the website.

George W. Bush: Too late.

[head of the conspiracy group pleads for his life, then Bush shoots him in the head]

Stan: Jesus Christ!

Donald Rumsfeld: Ha ha ha, he died like a pig.

George W. Bush: Some pigs never learn.

Kyle: No way.

Stan: He was right, you did cause 9/11!

George W. Bush: Yes, quite simple to pull off really, all I had to do was have explosives planted in the base of the towers, then on 9/11 we pretended like 4 planes were being hijacked when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania then flew 2 military jets into the World Trade Centers filled with more explosives then shot all the witnesses of flight 93 with an F15 after blowing up the Pentagon with a cruise missile. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly executed plan, ever, ever.

Kyle: Really?!

Mr.Mackey: Now you might all think I've given up finding who crapped in the urinal, m'kay. And maybe, maybe you think it's a victimless crime. This is Mister Venezuela, the school janitor, m'kay. He's the person who has to clean up when some trickster drops a dookie in the wrong toilet. Mr. Venezuela makes six bucks an hour at best! M'kay? He's got three kids at home, he's got a car that barely works he's gotta clean up puke with sawdust, m'kay. And then he walks into the boy's room and sees a big meaty chud staring him in the face. So when you crapped in that urinal, m'kay, you might as well just dropped your pants and laid a turd right on Mr. Venezuela's head.

[the kids laugh]

Mr. Mackey: Oh, you think that's funny, huh? Yeah, that's real funny!

Head of the conspiracy group: You don't understand! The government controls everything! The media, the corporations, they have the power to do anything they want. Here look, read the labels. Go on, read them.

Kyle: "Code 234."

Head of the conspiracy group: We think they came from a government office.

Kyle: What is it?

Head of the conspiracy group: It's anthrax.

Police Chief: This is too big a mystery for me, I think we better call in the Hardly Boys!

Mr. Mackey: Oh no, not the god damn-- mkay

[Hardly Boys Music hits and cut to the Hardly Boys intro video]

Announcer: The Hardly Boys: two young whippersnappers with a taste for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in: The Case of the World Trade Center Conspiracy.

Mr. Mackey: Why, Clyde? Why did you do it?

Clyde: I dunno.

Mr. Mackey: You got a whole school here, Clyde! M'kay? You got over 300 people that need to use the boys room, and you decide your gonna be a comedian, m'kay, and pinch one off in the urinal and leave it laying there for everyone to look at?!

[Clyde begins to chuckle.]

Mr. Mackey: M'kay, m'kay, you think it's funny but nobody else does; they're gonna walk in that bathroom and see your rancid duke prob up against to back of the wall like a brown rag doll!

[Clyde starts laughing.]

Principal Victoria: Mr Mackey, Clyde's parents are here.

Mr. Mackey: Oh, that's good! Let's see what your mom and dad has to say about your little poop-scpade!

Mr. Mackey: Attention students. Apparently Clyde could not have been the one who crapped in the urinal, because Clyde had a colostomy at age five. M'kay. Now whoever did this unspeakable act is still at large. The boys bathroom is closed until further notice, because one of you thought it would be a good idea to pull down your pants, m'kay, hover your butt cheeks over the urinal, and squeeze out a chocolate hotdog, m'kay.

[students laugh]

Mr. Mackey: Oh, ya think that's funny, huh? Let me assure you, there is nothing funny about going up to a nice, clean, unsuspecting urinal, m'kay, dropping your pants, then turning around, squatting over that urinal, m'kay, maybe, maybe, pulling your butt cheeks apart with your hands, m'kay, and then laying out a big fudge dragon for all the world to see.

Mr. Mackey: [to Stan] When you dook in the urinal, it's bad, m'kay. How would YOU feel, if someone came into your home, m'kay, pulled down their pants and laid a big mud monkey right on your mom's face!

Reporter: Tom, an elementary school teacher is under arrest for allegedly having an affair - with one of her young students. The case is shocking, due mostly to the fact that the teacher is pretty hot, Tom. If the accusations are true, then, damn!

Cartman As The Dawg: Hall pass! Show me your hall pass!

Kid: What?

[Cartman slams kid up against the lockers pining him in the process]

Cartman As The Dawg: You know what this is?! [holds up bear mace for the kid to see] This is the mace they use on bears, faggot! Now let me see your hall pass!

Cartman As The Dawg: What's there to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around a bit, then stick it inside her and pee.

[long pause]

Kyle: [sarcastically] Stick it inside her and pee?

Cartman As The Dawg: Well, okay, fine, unless you don't want her to get pregnant. Then you pull it out and pee on her leg.

Stan: Dude, I really don't see a problem.

Cartman As The Dawg: Yeah, I got bigger things to deal with.

Kyle: You guys don't understand. His wacko teacher's like a schoolgirl! They pass notes in the classroom, they have sex at her house over lunch break.

[Cartman starts to walk off]

Kyle: And during class they sneak out and kiss in the hallways.

[Cartman pauses]

Cartman As The Dawg: They what?

Kyle: They sneak out during class and make out in the hallways.

Cartman As The Dawg: [turns around] Hang on a second, Making out in the hallways is strictly against school policy.

Kyle: Well, they're doing it.

Cartman As The Dawg: Yeah, well now it's personal. The hallways are my jurisdiction; if someone's making a hall infraction, they're gonna deal with the Dawg!

Cartman As The Dawg: [sings]

The fear of darkness is all around you

The criminal are on the run

Now you better bring your hall pass

I'll take you to the principal office cause I'm the Dawg

I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg

The hallway monitor

Cartman As The Dawg: [sings]

I got some bad-ass guys to help me

I only have to pay them fifteen bucks

If you think you can get away without having a hall pass

You won't get away from me, 'cause I'm the Dawg

I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg

Think you can get away without having a hall pass, think again

[after Miss Stevenson has killed herself]

Cartman As The Dawg: Well, once again, The Dawg has prevailed. I hope you've learned kids, that if you don't go with Christ, you could end up just like that splattered bitch down on the pavement.

Cartman As The Dawg: We can do this the easy way or we can do it Dawggie style.

Kyle: Hello, my name is Brad. I need to report a crime-anonymously.

Sgt Yates: Okay, Brad, what's the crime?

Kyle: I attend South Park Elementary, and one of the teachers is having sex with a student.

All Policemen: [pause for a moment, then a dramatic uproar] Oh my God! [Sgt Yates and Murphy stand near Kyle, Murphy is holding a notebook]

Sgt Yates: You did the right thing telling the police, Brad. So who is this teacher--what is his name?

Kyle: Well, it isn't a guy teacher, it's a woman.

Sgt Yates: [sounding surprised] A woman? But she's ugly, right?

Kyle: No, not really. It's the kindergarten teacher, Miss Stephenson.

Sgt Yates: [even more surprised] The blonde?

Kyle: Yeah.

Another policeman: Miss Stephenson is having sex with a student?

Kyle: Yeah.

Sgt Yates: Nice. You're sure they've had sex?

Kyle: Yes.

Sgt Yates: Has she performed oral sex on him?

Kyle: I think so.

Officers: Nice.

Sgt Yates: Wait, what's the crime?

Policeman: The crime is she's not doing it with me! [policemen laugh]

Kyle: What? He's totally underage! She's taking advantage of him!

Sgt Yates: You're right. This is serious. We must find this kid and give him his "Luckiest Boy in America" medal right away! [policemen laugh again. Kyle howls in frustration and runs off]

Butters[singing to himself at the urinal]: Hey there Mr. Wiener, what do you know. Do you have to tinkle, tinkle? Yes, I do think so.

Cartman: 'Kay so then, I put my finger up my butthole, right? And I walked up to Kelly Nelson and say, "Do you smell Lemongrass?" And smelled my finger and puked! [laughs] Oh, God. You should've been there.

Hall Monitor: Eric, I have to report you to the principal's office.

Cartman: What?! I didn't do anything! Kelly Nelson is a liar!

Hall Monitor: I've been assigned to take you to the principal's office.

Cartman: Aw, suck my balls, you ginger-jew-rat hall monitor! Punk-ass stoolie. Who the fuck do you think you are?!

(after the teacher says she is an alcoholic)

Cartman: I don't believe it. She is using the Mel Gibson defence.

Sgt Murphy: Do we still press charges?

Sgt Yates: Who are we gonna convict? Johny Walker?

Stan's dad: Poor woman, she's a victim. A hot victim.

Doctor: Was there ever history of sexual abuse in your family?

Ms. Stevenson: No, but my uncle used to ask me and my twin sister to kiss, and he'd take pictures.

Doctor: ...Nice.

Ms. Stevenson: Ike let's get out of here. They'll never let us be together. I think we should go to Milan, like we talked about.

Ike: Yay, Mulan.

Sgt Yates: You're so full of crap, Foley!

Officer Foley: What?! I did shoot him in the face. Twice!

Sgt Yates: Are you sure you are not lying, Foley?

Officer Foley: No, really. I shot both of them. They weren't even doing nothing.

Sgt. Yates: Damn it! Where were all these sexed up teachers when I was a kid?!

Satan's minion: One of the guests has turned up in a Crocodile Hunter costume, and it's really offending some of the other guests!

Satan: Oh jeez. [walks across the party to a guest in a Crocodile Hunter outfit with a stingray hanging off his chest] Erm, er, dude, the whole Crocodile Hunter thing, it's just a little soon, you know. I mean, he only died a few weeks ago. It's just not cool, gotta leave.

Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Alliance): I shall personally kill the time child, and eat his entrails on my tummy!

Ms. Garrison: I'm not a monkey! I'm a woman.

Kyle: [to Cartman] Yeah, I hate you, but I'm not going to help kill you!

Cartman: I thought you were my friends! I guess I was wrong! After all we've been through together, you guys won't even help me freeze myself.

Cartman: Okay, how long until the Nintendo Wii comes out?

Stan: It's still three weeks.

Cartman: Oh, God! [pause] Okay, how long is it now?

Kyle: Will you shut up already?

Ms. Garrison: Okay children, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.

Butters: Oh, boy!

Ms. Garrison: Now, I for one think that evolution is a bunch of bullcrap, but I'm told I have to teach it anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this. In the beginning we were all fish, okay, swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So retard fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its mutant fish hands, and it had butt-sex with a squirrel or something, and made this...retard frog-squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a monkey-fish-frog, and then this monkey-fish-frog had butt-sex with that monkey; that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey and that made you. So there you go. You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt-sex with a fish-squirrel, congratulations!

Cartman: Arrrghh! I can't take it anymore! [runs of screaming]

Ms. Garrison: See, I knew that would happen.

EV Games Employee: [to Cartman] Look, kid, for the 40th time: pacing in front of the store isn't going to make the Wii come any faster.

Ms. Garrison: Then if I'm a monkey, I might as well act like one. [starts acting like a monkey, pulls down her pants]

United Athiest League member: Our answer to the Great Question is the only logical one. Our Science is great. Let us not forget the great Richard Dawkins who finally freed the world of religion long ago. Dawkins knew that logic and reason were the way of the future, but it wasn't until he met his beautiful wife that he learned using logic and reason isn't enough. You have to be a dick to everyone who doesn't think like you.

Repeated line: Science damn it!

[Richard Dawkins runs out of Mrs. Garrison's house after discovering she is a post-op transwoman]

[the county official takes out a record player and it begins playing a bass rhythm]

County official: Stan Marsh is a bright young man. He's got a great family, a promising paper route. Only problem is... [record scratch] ...his bike's been impounded! But now, he's about to find out that getting his bike back isn't so easy!

County official: Stan Marsh is a washed-up fourth grader. He's got no job, no bicycle And his only way out is to coach... [record scratch] ...a pee-wee hockey team! And now, he's about to find out that to coach, you've got to grow.

County official: Stan Marsh is always lived a carefree life. But in the blink of an eye what seemed important before can all be put in prospective. Stan Marsh is...bummin' on Cancer.

Principal Victoria: Eric, Mr. Nelson is concerned about how you react to little people.

Cartman: Oh. Did I hurt its little feelings? Ha ha ha!

Dr. Nelson: You know, you think you have the power to make me insecure, but your words are actually completely powerless.

Cartman: Oh-oh-oh-oh! If we could get, like, 8 of these, we can dress them all up like little beavers, right? And then put them in a pond, and see if they build a dam!

Dr. Nelson: You see? No matter what you say, I'm still standing!

Cartman: Barely!

Dr. Nelson: No matter how you act, I can rise above it!

Cartman: Rise above it! Get it? Like he can rise above anything!

Dr. Nelson: Shut your fucking mouth!

Principal Victoria: Mr. Nelson!

Dr. Nelson: He didn't get to me. I was just joking.

Cartman: Look, look how its face gets all red. It's like a little strawberry.

Dr. Nelson: Arrh!

Stan: I get it now. After that little person talked the other day, I understand how you feel about somebody saying the N-word.

Token: So black people are midgets?

Stan: Goddammit!

Token: Jesse Jackson is not the emperor of black people!

[Token walks away; long pause]

Stan: He told my dad he was.

Kids: [after Cartman enters the gym] Hello, fatso.

Cartman: Ey! What the hell is that? You think that's fucking funny?! Kyle, did you put everyone up to this? I bet you did! What the hell is going on?

Dr. Nelson: Now you know how it feels.

[Cartman starts laughing again]

Dr. Nelson: You better shut up or I'm gonna kick your ass!

Cartman: All right, all right, who is the fricking genius who dressed it up in little suspenders? Clyde, was that you?

Randy: Words with venom, words that bind, words used like weapons to cloud my mind./I'm a person, I'm a man./But no matter how hard I try. People just say "Hey, there goes that Nigger Guy."/Everywhere I go, it's always the same. I can't get away from that terrible name:/"Hey Nigger guy, nigger guy, nigger guy." Stop!/Now go, call me nigger guy, fill me with your hate/Try to bring me down, oh up you're too late!/Someone beat you to it. But my dream will not die. To be thought of as more than just "Nigger Guy." [pause] Respect.

Cartman: [grabs Kyle by the collar and shakes him violently] You know goddamn well what!

Kyle: Let go of me!

Stan: What the hell are you doing, Cartman?!

Cartman: I went home to alter the picture of me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle, but it was gone! [shakes Kyle again] What did you do with my picture?!

Kyle: Knock it off! I don't have your stupid picture!

Cartman: [rolls up his sleeves] Give it back, Kyle!

Kyle: I don't have it!

Cartman: [stretches his arms left and right, then up and down] I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't give it back right now, [puts up his fists as if to box] I'm gonna break your fucking Jew legs right here.

Kyle: Shut up.

Cartman: You shut up! You're lying, [points an accusing finger at Stan and Kenny] and you two are covering up for him! You know what? You're just like Jews yourselves! [points to Stan] Stan, you're a Jew, [points to Kenny] and Kenny, you're a Jew! You're all Jews!

[Kyle punches him on the right arm once, firmly]

Cartman: Ow! [puts his left hand over his right arm] Ow! Aaargh! [grimaces, turns around, and runs out of the park, screaming]

[Butters and Bradley, his roommate at church camp, are writing verses after Bradley got them in trouble]

Bradley: Butters, I'm sorry for getting you into trouble.

Butters: Aw, that's okay, Bradley.

Bradley: I really want to get better. I do everything the counselors say, but somehow I still feel confused.

Butters: Yeah, well, hopefully when we finish these verses, we won't be bi-curious no more and then we can go home!

Cartman: [jumps off his skateboard] Yes! I did it! [tosses his helmet away] I jumped over the homeless! Yes!

Kenny: Yeees!

Stan: That was a sweet idea, Kyle.

Kyle: Goddammit, that wasn't my idea!

Randy: Waghh! I don't have any more change! [makes his way through the crowd of bums] Nooo! I don't have any change! I don't have any chaaange! [disappears under the sea of homeless people]

Chris Swollenballs: In the meantime, South Park citizens are being advised to stay indoors and protect their change.

Bum 9: [appears behind him in the newsroom] Spare some change?

Chris: What the...? You can't be in here.

Bum 9: Ya got any change, sir?

Chris: No I don't have any change. How did he get in here?

Bum 10: Chaaaaange?

Chris: No, please. I don't have any change. Honest, I don't. I don't have any--[PLEASE STAND BY screen pops up, station goes off the air]

Gerald: Don't have any change. Don't have any change. Dammit! All right, you want change? Here. [reaches into his left pocket and tosses some change off to his left] There! There's some change. All right, a little bit. [reaches into his right pocket and tosses some change off to his right] There you go. Take the change. [leaves, but stops himself] Oh wait. Wait, now I don't have any change left for the bus. Hold on. Can I just get back some of that change, please?

Bum 12: Change, sir?

Gerald: Can I have just a little change for the bus, please? I need a little--anybody have some change? Change? Got any change? [Randy follows Gerald through his binoculars] Change. Change? [Randy lowers his binoculars in horror]

Steven: What happened?

Randy: [closes his eyes] He's become one of them.

Steve: Oh, God. One of them is a war veteran. [more knocking] We're gonna have to give him some change.

Homeless Advisor: They feed on our change. They need it in order to keep them moving.

Bum 14: Is that...is that some spare change?

Homeless Advisor: Somehow they're able to take our change and turn it into nourishment, sustenance.

Bum 14: Spare some of that change, sir?

Homeless Advisor: But now watch. [drops some coins into the bum's cup and walks back to the boys; the bum rattles his cup a bit]

Bum 14: Spare some change?

Homeless Advisor: It has already completely forgotten that I've given it change. It just wants more, change. Look over here. [heads to his left and the boys follow] This one I've kept deprived of change for over three days.

Bum 15: Chaaaaange?

Kyle: What's it doing?

Homeless Advisor: It's dying.

Cartman: Cool.

[Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman fall in the sewer]

Cartman: Aw, God, it really smells like Kenny's house down here.

Kenny: Stop fucking talking about my house!

Cartman: Whoa, Kenny, relax, dude. We need to work together.

Homeless Woman: Spare any change, sir?

Cartman: No! Fuck off![slams the door]

Kyle: Hi. [bum turns around to look at him] I've uh, I've been saving up for a new Xbox game, but but I think you could use the money a lot more than I could. [bum stares] Listen, I...I want you to take this. It's $20. [gives the money to the bum, backs up and smiles]

Bum: ...Got any more?

Kyle: [smile disappears] No, that's--I thought that was a lot.

Bum: [turns away and takes a few steps away from Kyle] Spare any change?

Kyle: You're welcome. [turns and walks away while looking at the ground in shock]

[Randy is walking down the sidewalk]

Bum 1: Spare some change?

Randy: No, sorry, I don't have any change.

Bum 2: Got any change?

Randy: No, sorry. [bum follows him]

Bum 3: Can you spare some change?

[Randy looks over his shoulder at the bum, speechless, continues walking and bumps into a bum in front of him]

Bum 4: Chaaaange?

Randy: Agh! I don't have any change! [bums begin to surround him]

Bum 5: Change?

Randy: No!

Bum 6: Chaaange?

[Randy runs off]

Bum 7: Spare some change?

Randy: Leave me alone, I don't have any change!

Bum 7: All right, God bless you, sir.

Randy: Aw, now I feel bad! Here! [runs back and puts some change in the cup] Ahhh! [runs off due to the bums following him]

Bums: [following Randy] Chaaaange, chaaaaange!

Bum 7: Spare some change?

Randy: I just gave you change!

Stan: We're not having Cartman jump over more homeless people.

Kyle: [angrily] That wasn't my idea!

Stan: [to Kyle after Cartman has jumped over three homeless people] Honestly, I don't know what you see in this, Kyle.

Chris Hansen: You know, one time, I was doing a show called "To Catch a Predator," and we almost caught this pedophile, but then he ran from us because he didn't want to be on "Dateline." So we tracked him down at his house, and you know what he did? He shot himself. It'd be a shame if you didn't want to be on "Dateline." It'd be a shame if we had to track you down and you shot yourself.

Cartman: I just peed my pants! [covers his mouth, shocked]

Cartman: This Saturday I will actually say anything I want on national television. I'm going to blast the Jews, Kyle. I'm going to call them every name in the book, and people will call it brilliant television. They'll probably give me an Emmy.

Cartman: Titty sprinkles!

Pedophile 1: Oh, no! Chris Hansen?! [shoots himself in the head]

Pedophile 2: "Dateline?!" [shoots himself in the head]

Pedophile 3: There aren't really brownies?! [shoots himself in the head]

[Randy is sitting on the toilet, straining and groaning for a long time. Meanwhile, a banner appears on the screen: "Emmy Award-Winning Series"]

Randy: Oh, God. Oh, here it comes. [goes for the final push, which has him pushing himself off the toilet seat by his hands several times] Whoa, hot! Hot, hot! Whoaaa, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! [a view from the street. Randy's moans can be heard; he can be seen moving about] Whoa, whoaaa! Whoa, hot! Hot, hot, hot-hot-hot-hot, hot, hot!! [back in the bathroom, the stool finally comes out] Dohhhhhh! Oooh! Oohoo. [sobs in relief] Ohhh, it's over. It's over. [reaches for the toilet paper] Oh, God. [puts his briefs and pants back up in place] I feel so much better. Oh. [a view from within the toilet: Randy turns around to flush, but stops, looks down, and crouches down for a better look] Wow! That...is huge. That has got to be the biggest crap I've ever taken. He--Hey, Sharon. Sharon, you gotta come see this. Sha-Sharon?

Randy: [from the heart] I almost did it. I almost made something of myself. You know, when you get real close, you start thinking that maybe your life is gonna matter. [sobs some more] I mean, this was something I made! Something that came from me! That was a part of me! The only thing I ever made that was any good!

Stan: Gee, thanks, Dad.

Randy: You're welcome.

Stan: Do you really need the biggest-crap record? Could you maybe see your way to just letting my dad have this one?

Stan: Look, you gotta understand, sir. My dad's never won an award for anything. Ever. He doesn't have one single trophy. I mean, even I have a second-place trophy for most Sports Illustrated subscriptions sold.

Bono: I have the first-place trophy for that.

Stan: [surprised] Dude, don't you have enough? I mean, you got tons of money, a jet, and the biggest rock band in the world, a hot wife, and you've been knighted. I mean, at some point, can't you just kind of fuck off?

Butler: Look, I first knew something was wrong when I looked at Bono's first award for biggest crap. It said he took it in 1960.

Stan: So?

Butler: So that's the year Bono was born. Then it all made sense to me. How could Bono be so talented, so caring, and yet seem like such a piece of crap? Because he is crap. Don't you get it? Bono is not the record holder.

Stan: He's the record.

Herr Broloff: I'm sorry Mr. Marsh, but if you cannot crap out the crap, it is not really a crap.

Cartman: [setting up a trip wire between two stones] It isn't a story; it's true! I saw a leprechaun. I've seen him come through here three days in a row now. [drops the rope, walks forward, and whips out a walkie-talkie] Hawk Eyes, this is Dragon Wind. Do you copy?

Cartman: [to Token] Set off diversion track C! [Token sets off a small bomb under a pile of leaves. Nearby a leprechaun skips into view, then stops upon seeing the boys]

Stan: Dude.

Jimmy: F-Fuck me, it's a leprechaun.

Cartman: [charging forth] Get it! [the leprechaun runs away, and the boys give chase] Get that fucking leprechaun! I want it alive!

[the leprechaun crawls under a tree trunk and gets up. He trips over a rope and a net descends on him; he dodges it and runs off. He runs into a bush and trips a sliding door, which drops down behind him. It traps him in a cage. He looks around for a way out, but sees the boys crowd in]

Butters: Wow.

Stan: Cool.

Craig: No way.

Token: Whoa.

Jason: Wow.

Cartman: [making his way through, out of breath] Agh. Uh, move aside! Move aside! All right, butthole, where's the gold?!

Leprechaun: You lads don't know what you're doin'. I need to deliver an important message! There's goin' to be an attack!

Cartman: [gets out a Bowie knife] Tell me where the gold is or you die! [unsheaths it] Slow!

[the leprechaun makes a rainbow with his right hand, and it teleports him out and disappears]

Stan: Where'd he go?

[the leprechaun appears on a tree limb behind the boys; they turn to look at him again]

Leprechaun: I was sent to warn of a terrorist attack, but you boys have made me late. Now the terrorists will prevail! The end is near! [makes a rainbow with his right hand, and it teleports him away and disappears]

Craig: Dude.

Cartman: [walks up to Kyle and clears his throat] Kyle, suck my balls. [brings out the contract both of them signed. Kyle stands motionless]

[ManBearPig grabs the tech and slams him against the portal's supporting wall]

Tech 4: Oh! No-no, wait! It's like a half-bear, half-man-pig!

[ManBearPig rips the tech's head off and tosses it towards the general. Everyone scatters]

General: Look out!

[ManBearPig jumps over and grabs the tech at both ends]

Tech 3: No! I think it's more like a half-man, and half-pig-bear!

[ManBearPig rips him in two at the waist]

General: Reverse the doorway! Send it back through!

[Kyle screams and runs away, but ManBearPig scoops him up]

Stan: Kyle!

[a dying tech pushes the red button at his station as he drops to the floor. Lightning flashes into the room as a tractor beam pulls Stan into the portal. ManBearPig resists the pull, but crushes Kyle in its hand for several seconds. Kyle lets out a dying scream as ManBearPig lets go of him as the tractor beam fiinally pulls it in. Kyle falls on the floor, blue in the face]

[Kyle is attempted to be revived through a defibrillator]

Paramedic: Clear! [sends power through the paddles. Kyle rises, then falls softly. No sign of life yet. The paramedic removes the paddles] I'm sorry. He's gone.

Cartman: No! Kyle can't die. [gets on his knees and checks various parts of his body for a pulse]

Cartman: Get out of here! [goes back to giving Kyle CPR. A woman covers her eyes in despair] Goddammit, Kyle, you never walked away from anything in your life! Now fight! [smacks Kyle around] Fight! Fight! Right now! [begins to break down] Fight! Fiiight! Fight! [slams down hard on his chest]

Aslan: Imaginationland used to be a happy place, but then the terrorists attacked, and so many of us were killed. The barrier came down and all the most evil imaginary characters were unleashed. Now our final battle must take place. The evil characters are marching toward us...with the intent to wipe us all out.

Beavery Beaver: This is gonna be fun, huh?

Woodland Critters: [cheering] Yeah!

Aslan: We prepare for a battle we cannot won. Sweet and cuddly imaginary characters, many who have never held a weapon, must now fight for their very lives. We are too few in number, but we have one hope. That is where you come in, young boy. Only you can help us win the battle.

Butters: W-What can I do?

Aslan: You have a power here that you have yet to understand.

General: If I'm not mistaken, you're the one who bet leprechauns aren't real. So why do you care if something happens?

Kyle: Because I-- Because I think they are real. It's all real. Think about it. Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same can be said for Bugs Bunny and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real? They might be imaginary, but they're more important than most of us here. And they're all gonna be around till long after we're dead. So in a way, those things are more realer than any of us. [Cartman starts applauding, followed by everyone else]

General: [touched] Abort the sequence. [scientist does so]

Cartman: So, Kyle, imaginary things ARE real, huh? Guess that means I did win the bet after all... [Kyle looks angry] And you know what that means, Kyle...

Kyle: [snaps] Just let it go with your fucking balls already, you fucking asshole! Your friends have been in danger, and all you care about is your stupid bet?! Well, I have decided, Cartman, that even if we did have a bet, that I am NEVER going to suck your balls! [grabs Cartman by the scruff of his neck] You got that?! [pushes Cartman back] They can throw me in jail for the rest of my life, but I am NEVER going to suck your balls-- [punches Cartman lightly] EVER! So there!

Randy: Well, you kids wanna see something really cool? Check this out. [takes out a guitar, plugs in his amp, and begins playing "Carry on Wayward Son" while singing] Once I rose above the noise and confusion / Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion / I was soarin' ever higher / But I flew too high... / Though my eyes could --

Stan: [angry] Dad! Dad! What are you doing?!

Randy: I can actually play a lot of these songs on a real guitar. You want me to teach you boys how? [beams]

Girl 1: [Wendy has just revealed their secret] You just couldn't let it go.

Wendy: [surprised] What do you mean? Call the girls in!

Girl 1: I'm afraid we can't do that, Wendy.

Girl 2: Did you know, Wendy, that Clyde's father owns the shoe store in the mall? A lot of us have wanted to date Clyde to get free shoes, but we couldn't, because he wasn't...popular enough!

Wendy: [horrified] You knew?!

Girl 2: [takes a package out of a file] Unfortunately, the members voted Clyde in the bottom five of the list. That's why we had to manipulate the votes, forge a new list and hide the real one. [points to the package]

Wendy: [angry] So that you could all justify dating Clyde and get shoes!? How dare you take advantage of your position! I'm going to tell Bebe and have you both de-sparkled from the list committee!

Girl 1: Bebe? Who do you think authorized the buyout? [shocking music plays]

Wendy: No, not Bebe.

Girl 2: She's dating Clyde now! Nobody loves shoes more than her!

Stan: [confused] What's going on?

Wendy: When the other girls find out you ignored their votes they're gonna--

Girl 1: You really think they'll believe you over the heads of the Committee!? We'll simply generate a new list, "biggest liars," and put you at the top!

Clyde: [ending his conversation abruptly and speaking angrily] Butters! That's not cool, man! He can't help how he looks!

Wendy: Stan, it's been really great hanging out with you again. [Stan smiles] I feel like you've changed somehow [Stan smiles more broadly] in a really awesome way.

Stan: Yeah, well I guess a lot of things...change, don't they?

[happy music starts playing as the camera zooms in to their faces. Wendy takes a step closer and leans in to kiss Stan. A funny look comes over his face and he vomits into Wendy's face...twice]

[deleted Scene, inserts immediately after Stan vomits on Wendy at the end of the episode. Wendy is smiling, despite Stan vomiting in her face, like old times]

Kyle: You know, I'm glad this is over, but I feel like everyone is gonna wish they knew who was really last on the list.

Wendy: Well, I guess we'll never know...except that I looked and it was Cartman.

[back at school, Cartman is sitting at The Ugly Kids' Table in the cafeteria]

Cartman: This is bullcrap!

Butters: [yelling from across the cafeteria and laughing] Hey ugly bugly! Did Adolf Zitler launch a Zitskrieg across your face?

Cartman: Oh well, that's fine! What really matters is the kind of person I am on the inside! [realizes what kind of person he is and gets dejected] Oh, goddammit. [bumps his head on the table. The kid that asked for Kyle's pickle earlier in the episode flat-out steals the pickle from Cartman's tray]

Cartman: Well, excuse me, Kyle, for trying to keep some optimism, you know? I mean, sometimes when things seem their darkest you just need to try and stay HIV-positive, but if you wanna be so HIV-negative all the time, I--

Cartman: [after seeing Wendy taping a "Breast Cancer Awarness" poster] Look out, everyone, there's some killer tittes on the loose. Could've sworn I heard them coming through the roof. Pssh, officer. We need to get an ABP out on those tittes. They're oh too dangerous.

Wendy: As soon as that bell rings, we do it outside! And you better be there!

Cartman: Oh, it's on, bitch.

Wendy: You're gonna fucking die!

Wendy's Mom: Wendy, have you been bullying kids at school?

Wendy: What? No!

Wendy's Mom: Well, do you want to explain why this little boy's mother had to come talk to us?

[We see Eric Cartman sitting with his mother on the couch; Cartman is crying.]

Wendy's Dad: Did you tell this little boy you were going to beat him up?

Wendy: You don't understand. He said horrible things.

Cartman: [crying and sniffling] The thing is I totally said I was sorry. But she still wants to beat me up. [starts to sob, while his mother soothes him]

Wendy's Mom: Wendy, no matter what a person says, you don't respond with violence. Haven't we tought you that?

Cartman: [still sniffling] The thing is, Wendy, I really think you're awesome, and I know I'm just a nerdy little weakling to you, but, I want to be your friend, because I don't have that many friends in schooool. [starts sobbing even harder]

Cartman: My report today is on breast cancer awareness. I do not believe enough is being done, and like the victims of breast cancer, there's something I'd like to get off my chest. [suppressed laugh] We all must fight, and hopefully one day, titty cancer will be a distant mammary. [suppressed laugh] [...] What did the breast cancer say to the Polish monkey?

Chief Aide: I don't know what to make of it sir. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. Clearly they are a Peruvian flute band and yet they aren't. They play pan flute music like the others, but they talk and act like one of us.

Michael Chertoff: I agree. They're obviously some kind of hybrid.

Official 1: A hybrid? Ah how is that possible?

Chief Aide: Perhaps a Peruvian flute band mated with one of our females. Who knows?

Jimmy Vulmer: Kenny deserves to know, fellas. If you guys found out my girlfriend was a raging whore, I'd want you to tell me.

Cartman: Kenny, you're gonna let a girl put her mouth on your wiener? Do you know how disgusting that is? Girls' mouths are full of germs!

Cartman: Just because you have condoms doesn't mean you're safe, Kenny! Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman! And you're gonna let that near your penis?!

Kenny: Yep! Woohoo!

Butters: A ring that says you’d be together but not have sex. Isn't that called a wedding ring?

Jonas Brothers Song: I'm ready to get it on/But there's no getting on 'til I'm ready/It's too soon, slow down/Take it easy girl, I need your love, baby/I can't wait 'til the day I kiss you/Until then I have to diss you/'Cuz my mom doesn't like it when I'm naughty/She'll make me clean my room if I'm naughty/Baby/I'm hot.

Jonas Brothers Song: Tell me how I was to know/You would take your love and go?/Was it 'cuz I wanted to wait 'til we were married to put my arm around you?/The seasons change, baby, and the world goes round and round and round.

Jonas Brothers Song: Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna take my time, can't wait 'til you are mine, but it might be a while/Yeah, yeah, girl we can take it slow, so we have room to grow/And in time, we can do it all/Until then, go back to Montreal/'Cuz I still love you, baby/Love you, baby/Bay-bay.

Jonas Brothers Song: I've got a ring on my finger to remind me what I cannot do/Can't just do whatever I feel like, I've got to stay righteous and true/I can't hang out with my buddies and get into trouble/'Cuz now we're both wearing these rings for each other/But who needs sex and drugs and partying when we can cook a meal and sit around and watch Netflix?/Baby/I've got a ring on my finger to remind me that I must behave/No need to chase after girls, that's a promise I can never break/I've made a commitment and it is forever/So we can spend every waking minute together/And if we get bored it won't be a problem/'Cuz we can just hang out with other couples who have these rings/Bay-bay.

Joe Jonas: Look, we just want our concerts to be about our music and not about purity rings.

Mickey Mouse: Oh gosh, fellas, let me explain this to ya one more time. You have to wear the purity rings, 'cause that's how we can sell sex to little girls, ha-ha. See, if we make the posters with little girls reaching for your junk, then you have to wear purity rings or else Disney Company looks bad, ha-ha.

Joe Jonas: But we don't wanna be selling sex to little girls any more!

Mickey Mouse: The rings stay on!

Joe Jonas: Well, then...maybe we'll just refuse to go on stage!

Mickey Mouse: [kicking Joe Jonas causing his nose to start bleeding] You don't fucking talk to me like that, ha-ha, you little piece of shit! [Joe coughs] Get the fuck up! Get the fuck up! Ha-ha. Now, do we have a problem?

Kevin Jonas: No, sir.

Nick Jonas: No, Mr. Mouse.

Joe Jonas: [Whimpering] No, Mr. Mouse.

Mickey Mouse: Oh, that's good, 'cause I thought we had a problem, ha-ha! Alright, now get out there and make me some goddamn money, ha-ha.

Mickey Mouse: Where would you be without me, Jonas Brothers? Ha-ha. Your music sucks and you know it, ha-ha. It's because you make little girl's gineys tickle, and when little girl's gineys tickle, I make money, ha-ha. And that's because little girls are fucking stupid, ha-ha. And the purity rings make it okay to do whatever I want, ha-ha. Even the Christians are too fucking stupid to figure out I'm selling sex to their daughters. I've made billions off of Christian ignorance for decades now, ha-ha, and do you know why? Because Christians are retarded, ha-ha. They believe in a talking dead guy! Ha-ha! [realizes the curtain is up] Oh. Ha-ha. Hello, folks.

News Reporter: Tom, the Disney Jonas Brothers' 3D television special has failed, costing the Disney company millions, and once again Mickey is pissed off and is throwing a fit.

Mickey Mouse: [flying like a Macy's Thanksgiving Parade ballon] Vengeance is mine! You are all ants and I am your destroyer! Ha-ha! [blows fire, killing every person in his path]

Reporter: The Disney purity ring venture will most likely now prove a marketing bust, as Mickey returns to Valhalla to slumber and feed.

Tammy: Let's take off these rings, Ken! Let's take them off and just be kids again! There will be plenty of time to wear rings and be boring and lame when we reach our mid-30s and will be boring and lame anyway!

Randy: I'll tell you what happened, son! See, there's a bunch of idiots out there who weren't happy with what they had! They wanted a bigger house and materialistic things that they didn't even need. [grabs his margarita glass and rises from the table] People with no money who got loans to buy frivolous things they had no business buying. [walks over to a Margaritaville margarita blender and loads it with ice. A margarita mix is already in place in the blender] And these assholes just blindly started buying any stupid thing that looked appealing, [puts the ice scooper back into the ice bucket] 'cause they thought money was endless! [starts up the blender, which drowns out whatever he says for the next nine seconds] It goes back to when the government had the idea that everyone in America deserves to own a house, and they couldn't pay their mortgage because they couldn't afford them. So we have people having a hard time paying off their loans, meaning less money coming in. [serves himself a margarita and places the blender back on its base] And the idiots couldn't see that by doing all this frivolous spending they were mocking the Economy. And they made the Economy very angry. [goes back to his seat with his margarita] We're all feeling the Economy's vengeance because of materialistic heathens who did stupid things with their money! Do you understand, son? [sips from his margarita glass]

Announcer: And now, the exciting conclusion of Terrance and Philip: Blood Rage... (a "Special Presentation" graphic appears onscreen)...will not be seen tonight so that we bring you this Queef Sisters special! (The "April Fools" graphic seen at the beginning of Not Without My Anus appears again, with the accompanying kazoo honk.) The Canada Channel presents... The Queef Sisters, Katie and Katherine Queef! Two Toronto girls who love shooting air out of their vaginas! (Cut to several stills of the titular sisters doing just that...)

(Cut to a gynecologist's office. The Queef Sisters are both in stirrups as the doctor comes in.)

Doctor: Now I'm just going to check for cysts... (he puts his head down between Katherine's legs, and not even two seconds later, she queefs, blowing his hair back. Repulsed) Ugh! (The sisters laugh, not unlike Terrance and Philip would.)

(Cut back to the kids watching this spectacle in disgust.)

Cartman(disgustedly): What the fuck is this?!

(Cut back to the gyno's office.)

Doctor(sternly): Now, listen here! If you queef in my face, then I refuse to be your gynecologist!

Katherine(apologetically): I'm sorry, Doctor, I had air trapped in my vagina.

Doctor: Well, just don't let it happen again! Now, I'm just going to check for cysts. (Again, he assumes the position. Again, Katherine queefs. Again, they both laugh hysterically. Now he's really mad...) Now, stop it! That isn't funny! Babies come from there! (Once again, he assumes the position. Need we elaborate on what happens next? He slams down his notepad in disgust.) That does it! No Pap smear for you! (points at Katherine)

Katherine: But, Doctor, what if I have cancer?

Doctor(unmoved): You should have thought about that before you queefed in my face three times!

(Cut back to the kids. They're even more confused and disgusted than before, but it's leaning more towards disgust.)

Butters(confused): They aren't gonna show Part Two of The Terrance and Philip Show?

Doctor: Well, all right...Now I'm just going to check for cysts... (You know the rest. Thoroughly repulsed, he throws down his notepad again.) That does it, Queef Sisters! I'm not your vaginal doctor anymore! (He storms out of the exam room, slamming the door behind him.)

Katherine(innocently): Oh, Katie, I do believe we made the doctor angry.

Katie(innocently): I guess so, Katherine...

(Cut to the kids.)

Cartman: Dude! What the hell is this disgusting crap?

(Cut to a two shot of Terrance and Philip in the office of Brian, the President of the Canada Channel. They've also been watching the Queef Sisters special, and they would like to know the same thing Cartman wants to know...)

Philip: What the hell is this disgusting crap?!

Terrance(equally disgusted): Queef Sisters?!

Brian: That's right. It's a hot new Canadian show we're trying out.

Terrance(incredulous): You replaced our show with this? But they aren't funny! All they do is queef all the time!

Philip: That's sick!

Brian: You think farts are funny, why not queefs?

Terrance(annoyed because it's so obvious): Because babies come from there!

Brian: Hey, look, guys! Women are starting to be the driving force behind the television audience--you know, women empowerment and the get-go! So we want to appeal to the female sensibility. Sorry, guys, but if you ask me, your farts have gone stale!

(The Marsh family is at the dinner table, quietly eating. Suddenly, there is a very quiet noise, almost like a fart, except...different somehow. Stan and Randy look up.)

Randy(wary): What was that?

Sharon: Oh...excuse me...(barely stifling a giggle) I had some air trapped. (Shelly knows exactly what her mother means, and she can't suppress her own giggle. Randy, however, is somewhat less than appreciative of how funny that was.)

Katie(doing the same with Philip): Philip! (Both couples get back in their respective beds and start getting their Canadian freak on, and soon the room is a cacophony of farts and queefs.)

(Cut to the school, the day after the Queef Sisters special. The kids are gathered around Cartman as he shouts into a cellphone at an unseen representative of the Canada Channel.)

Cartman: No, no, as a matter of fact, I will not hold! I've been on hold for 35 minutes! (beat) Well, we want some goddamn answers, that what we want! Like why did you show that smut instead of the Terrance and Philip conclusion, you asshole?! (At that moment, Wendy, Bebe and a couple other girls walk over. Wendy goes over to Stan.)

Wendy: What's going on?

Stan: We're complaining to the Canada Network because they put something really gross on TV.

Cartman: You wanna tell me what's funny about two women shooting air out of their vagina into a man's face? (Beat, then Cartman gets really pissed.) No, no, see, some of us were eating when you showed that!

Clyde(chiming in): I threw up on the way home.

Cartman: Clyde threw up on the way home! What makes you think you can put that kind of filth on television?!

Stan: You tell 'em, Cartman!

Red: What happened?

Butters: They didn't show Part 2 of Terrance and Phillip! They replaced it with the Queef Sisters!

Kyle: It was just thirty minutes of two women queefing on people!

Bebe: Oh what? So farts are hysterical but queefs are gross?

Cartman: You know that little kids could have been watching that?! What kind of network are you running there in Canada?! ...Don't call me buddy; i'm not your buddy!

Carlos Mencia: No, man, it's true! I stole it, man! I took credit for it 'cause I'm not actually funny! Come on, man, do you know what it's like? Being a comedian but not being funny? Come on, Kanye, I just take jokes and repackage them with a Mexican accent, man!

Kanye West: Think you can make fun of me? I'm a genius! I'm the voice of a generation! What are you?

Kyle: [reading Ike's letter] "Dear Mommy and Daddy, I am running away. I am sorry, but I can no longer handle the monotony of middle-class life. Everyone at school is a fucking idiot, and if one more person talked to me about that Susan Boyle performance of Les Misérables, I was going to puke my balls out through my mouth. I love you all, but I have to move on. I'm going to Somalia to be--to be a pirate"? Oh, shit!

Cartman: [repeated line] Da fuck?

Somali Pirate Song written by Cartman:We drink and we pillage and we do what we please / We get all that we want for free / We’ll kick your ass / And rape your lass / Somalian pirates we / So with a yo ho ho (yo ho ho) / And with a yee hee hee (yee hee hee) / We take to the African sea / We’ll brave the squalls / And bust your balls / Somalian pirates we / We left our homes and we left our mothers / To go on a pillaging spree / We’ll cut off your ears / And break your toes / And make you drink our pee / And if you sail into our waters / You best hear this decree / We’ll take your boat / Set your ass afloat / Somalian pirates we / With a yo ho ho (yo ho ho) / And a trick a-lotty do (trick a-lotty do) / We’ll shoot you in the face with glee / Then we’ll cut off your cock / And feed it to a croc / Somalian pirates we / Somalian pirates we / Somalian pirates we!

Butters: Bitch, you should be doing kisses around the playground, you can make $50 a day! Buy all the purses and shoes that you've ever wanted. I'll treat you right, bitch.

Bebe: Shut up!

Butters: Oh, alright then.

[Butters doing schoolwork then spots Wendy]

Butters: Hey Wendy, Wendy!

[Wendy looks at Butters]

Butters: Bitch, don't you wanna start making some real fucking money?

Wendy: [annoyed] Leave me alone!

Butters: Why you were made for the playground, bitch. You should be out there workin'. Don't you want a new lunch box? Nice new coat? I can get all that for you, bitch.

Stan: [annoyed] Butters, dude!

Butters: What?

Stan: You can't call my girlfriend a bitch!

Butters: Oh. Well all I'm sayin' the bitch should be out there workin' is all. [turns to Wendy] Whatcha doing bitch? Just giving kisses to Stan for free? Why you should be making some motherfucking money!

Butters: All these bitches are kissin' fellers, and they haven't figured out that they can be making some serious fucking money!

Butters: Kyle, every boy pay for kisses, do you know what i am saying? if you've got a girl and she's kissing you, sooner or later, you are paying for it. you gotta take her out to lunch, take to a movie, and then spend time listening to all her stupid problems. look, look at there, he's got to sit there and listen to her stupid motherfucking problems because she kisses him. If you ask me, that's a lot more than the $5 dollars my company charges.

Gordon Stoltski: [reading morning announcements over the intercom to the school] Good morning, South Park Elementary. These are the morning announcements. Parent-teacher conferences begin next Thursday. If you have not yet done so, please turn in your parents' requested time sheets by the end of fifth period today. Lunch today will be a choice of chicken tostadas or spaghetti with a marninara sauce and side salad. Attention fourth graders: the fall registration for Glee Club starts tomorrow. Any interested students should fill out a-- [is interrupted when a door is heard being kicked in] Whoa, what's going on?! [everyone in Fourth Grade classroom looks up at the speaker in surprise]

Gordon: [continues screaming] Any interested students should fill out an applicant survey-- [more hitting and screaming]

Intruder: I knew you were lyin'! That was terrible! Now put your mouth over the barrel of this gun!

Gordon: No, please! I'm so scared! I'm so scared!

Intruder: Do it!

Gordon: Please! I'll do whatever you say! Here! Here I see! Here! [his voice is now muffled, indicating the gun barrel is now in his mouth; the gun goes off and Gordon is heard falling to the floor, dead]

Intruder: Look at you now. We're all dead. [commits suicide. By now, nearly everyone in the classroom is in shock]

[Stan confronts Cartman at his book signing of "What Happened to My School?", which includes offensive and explicit rumors about Wendy Testaburger, Stan's girlfriend]

Stan: What the hell do you think you're doing?!

Cartman: A book signing.

Stan: I looked through your stupid book! It's 540 pages of ripping on Wendy and calling her a slut!

Cartman: I do not directly say she's a slut!

Stan: [reading from book] "Wendy Testaburger has proven time and time again that she will do anything to pleasure her vagina. Whether it is the school football team or the janitors on their break, Wendy spends her time as president on her knees or on her back taking the old in-out for hours on end!"

Cartman: [leans over the table and points something out to him] You didn't read the rest, dude.

Stan: [reading] "Or does she?"

Cartman: "Or does she?" See, that's a question. I'm asking questions, Stan! I've called for Wendy to come on my show and defend herself, but she won't do it!

Butters: [showing up with his Melvins] Yeah, and she hates Smurfs!

First Boy: [reading from book] "Shouldn't we be worried if our school president is a girl who would rather get her tits licked than go to student council meetings?"

Stan: Hey-hey, stop reading that!

First Boy: Well, what do you mean?

Stan: Listen, just because a guy's voice is on the intercom and his words are in a book doesn't mean he has any idea what compeition among existing steak sauces is!

Second Boy: Yes, it does!

Casey Miller: Eric Cartman is simply making it so that all kids take responsibility to question their school leaders. We should all ask if our president is a penis-hungry hooker with a huge vagina. I'm Casey Miller.

[While Cartman is waiting to tryout for the morning announcements, Casey Miller appears and sits next to him]

Cartman: Who are you?

Casey Miller: My name is Casey Miller, and I'm in the third grade. Ever since I can remember, people have told me I should read the morning announcements. My friends always said to me, "Dear Casey, your voice is like butter to our ears. Could you please find a way to get that audible chocolate on the airwaves?" Well, here I am. And hopefully, I'll be the kid worth the job.

Stan: [about Cartman's ripping off on Wendy] Wendy, did you see the stuff Cartman is saying about you now?

Wendy: I really don't care, Stan.

Stan: Well, don't you think you should go on his show and defend yourself?! Everyone is starting to think you're a crappy president.

Wendy: I'm not giving Eric Fartman one minute of my time, you got that?! I'm not acknowledging his stupid questions. If you want him dealt with, you'll have to do it yourself!

Casey Miller: The sun is up and the birds are chirping. I'm Casey Miller, and these are the morning announcements. I have a letter from second grade student Brian Felner. Brian writes "Dear Casey, Why is our school president such a fat stupid dickhead? My desk is broken, and so far, Eric Cartman has done nothing about it. Will you please let that walking bowl of anus pus know that we are not happy." Well Brian, I couldn't agree more. Our asshole president is a fat smelly douchebag milkshake.

Cartman: I'm doing the best that I can!! [leaves his desk and runs out of the classroom, sobbing]

Eric Cartman's Minorities Song: What has happened to this place / I don’t recognize it anymore / It used to be so fun and special / What is life worth living for The dream is dead / Our land is gone / There’s a hole in my heart / And I can’t go on / There are too many minorities (minorities) / At my water park (my water park) / This was our land, our dream (our dream) / and they’ve taken it all away / They just keep coming and coming (minorities) / I tried to go and tell the police / But even the authorities / Are minorities (are minorities) / At my water park / There’s no place for me to sit anymore / And the lines just keep getting crazier / There are Mexicans all around me / The lazy river has never been lazier / It’s a 40 minute wait to go down one slide / And the instructions are in Spanish on the Zip Line ride (just do it in English!) / There are too many minorities (too many) / At my water park (somebody do something) / Where did they all come from / Why can’t they leave this land alone / And it’s such a tragedy (feel a bit like dying) / We looked the other way too long / We’ve got to change our priorities / And get all these minorities/ Out of my water park / (Minorities) Mexicans and Asian / Black people / I think I even saw Native Americans (gross) / God I’m asking please / Get all of these minorities / Out of my water park (my water park)

Stan: Yeah, but that's when we thought we were going to get in trouble, asshole!

[Red and Lola appear and defend Butters]

Red: Hey, hey, you leave Butters alone! He's a very fragile artist.

Lola: [fondly] He's so brooding and full of angst.

Butters: [smugly] Yeah, I'm brooding.

Cartman: Butters doesn't deserve any credit for Scrotie McBoogerballs! We deserve all the credit.

Red: Oh, God, you guys are pathetic!

Lola: Yeah, get a life and stop mooching off Butters' success for once!

[the girls leave]

Stan: [frustrated] God damn it!

Kyle: Butters, do you really think it's fair to lie like this?! Let me tell you, if you don't have--!

Butters: [snaps] No! Let me tell you something, fellas!! You always take advantage of me. And after reading Catcher in the Rye, I've learned you're nothing but phonies! [the boys look shocked at this sudden explosion] I'm not letting you trick me this time. So the four of you can just suck on my wiener. [Leaves]

Cartman: [After a pause; in a shocked voice] What an inconsiderate jerk...

Reporter: [commenting on The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs] The book is full of disgusting words and acts, including Sarah Jessica Parker, who is mentioned 465 times. Matthew Broderick, are you upset your wife is made fun of so much in the book?

Matthew Broderick: Well, obviously. I just think it's wrong to make fun of anybody's physical appearance. My wife is a beautiful woman, and I know that most people agree with me.

Reporter: Uh-huh. And Matthew? How come a transvestite donkey witch is standing next to you, and why is it wearing a dress? [Parker simply blinks at the camera, but Broderick gets a stunned look on his face]

News Reporter: [After Butters' book influences a lunatic to murder the Kardashians] Our nation is still reeling from the tragic deaths of the Kardashians. The shooter claims he was driven to commit the slaughter immediately after reading "The Poop that took a Pee" by Leopold "Butters" Stotch. It's all over; the Kardashians wiped out in the blink of an eye, all because one little PRICK had to go and write a book! Leopold Stotch, I hope they bury you, you evil fuck!!

Kyle: That's because there is no goo, Mr. Cruise. You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show, but it wasn't because of some magic goo. It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works.

Jesus: That's right. Don't you see, gingers, if you don't want to be made fun of anymore, all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.

Santa: That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.

Tony Kornheiser: All right, now we turn from the NFL to the world of NASCAR. People who weren't sure what to think of NASCAR are more sure today after a NASCAR driver released bigoted, ignorant statements on his podcast.

Cartman:[In a southern accent] All right whats up NASCAR fans? I don't know about y'all, but this President Obama is pissin me off, so I'm going to do some dippin and speak my mind. Today I'm going to be dippin some Vagisil regular strength anti-itch cream. [Drinks some Vagisil] So I'm pissed off what I found out. I found out this Obama wants to put a bigger tax on gasoline! What the fuck is up with that? Thats fuckin gay! [Kenny, watching, buries his head intro his arms] Its gay as hell. Y'all know my pit boss, Butters.

Butters: Obama's fuckin gay.

Cartman: He's fuckin gay as hell.

Butters: Pisses me off.

Cartman: So y'all be sure to catch us in our next race. We're about as poor and stupid as they fuckin come so come down and cheer for us at NASCAR on Saturday. Obama is gay as hell!

Tony Kornheiser: Well if you ask me, that's all the proof we need that NASCAR is for the poor and the stupid.

[Stan opens his locker, which is quite stuffed. There are gasps of shock all around, and Wendy starts crying]

Stan: What? Come on, it's not that bad.

Dr. Chinstrap: Now, as part of Stan's therapy, we need to make sure we don't throw away anything he doesn't want us to. Stan needs to feel like he is in control, or his psychosis will come out.

Stan: "My psychosis?" Look, it isn't that big of a deal, I'll just throw this stuff away.

Dr. Chinstrap: Okay, great. Now how about we start with this... [takes out a pencil box]

Stan: Well, no, that's my pencil box. I need my pencil box.

Dr. Chinstrap: Okay, okay, we'll put that right here on the floor. [places box down and takes out a broken toothbrush] Now, how about this? Broken toothbrush?

Stan: Well, it's good to have that, because sometimes I really wanna brush after lunch, and I...

Dr. Chinstrap: But it's broken.

Stan: Yeah, but it works perfectly fine, and it...

Dr. Chinstrap: Okay, okay, broken toothbrush is going right here, by the pencil box. [places it down and takes out a maggot-infested sandwich] Now, how about this? Old sandwich in a baggie, filled with maggots? [there are groans of disgust from all those present]

Stan: [faltering further] Well I might need it if I ever have to, you know, like...

Dr. Chinstrap: The maggots are crawling down my hand and biting my wrist, Stan. Can we throw this away?

Stan: [starting to lose his nerve] Well, I - I guess so but... [as the sandwich is thrown in the baggie] W-w-wait, this is all happening a little fast, can we just slow down?

[Stan's friends share a look of concern]

Dr. Chinstrap: [Taking an empty aspirin bottle] Now how about this empty aspirin bottle?

Stan: Well no, don't throw that out!

Dr. Chinstrap: [reaching into the locker] Can we throw out these watered out papers, then? [pulls them out]

Stan: [really losing his composure] No, because there could be something written on them that's important and... [gathering some papers up and trying to retrieve the bottle] No, don't take my empty bottle... G-GIVE ME BACK MY SANDWICH! [stops]

[People are looking at him in shock, and Cartman starts twirling his finger around his head and whistling at Stan to indicate he's insane]

Newsreader: The boys state that there also used to be a member named the Coon actually in the group, but they let him go because he was being quote: "a dick".

Toolshed: Mysterion, if Cartman's gone why are we still calling ourselves "Coon and Friends"?

Mysterion: Because it pisses Cartman off beyond belief and I find that [laughs] extremely funny.

[When asking about the cult of Cthulhu meetings]

Mysterion: What happened at those meetings?

Stuart McCormick: Trust us, we don't remember. I know it sounds hard to believe but we were actually really drunk the entire time.

Mysterion: I don't find that hard to believe at all.

[When Hindsight says he doesn't want his superpower anymore]

Mysterion: There are some superpowers that make yours look like nothing. Trust me, I know.

Hindsight: Wha... what is your power?

[pause]

Mysterion: I can't die. [pause] I've experienced death, countless times. Sometimes I see a bright light, sometimes I see heaven or hell. But eventually, no matter what, I wake up in my bed, wearing my same old clothes. And the worst part, no one even remembers me dying. I go to school the next day and everyone's just like "oh, hey Kenny," even if they had seen me get decapitated with their own eyes. You wanna whine about curses, Hindsight, you're talking to the wrong fucking cowboy.

Red Goth: I'm so freaking stoked that Cthulhu is gonna squash all the happy-go-lucky conformists.

Goth Leader: Yeah. I just hope he puts an end to the fucking Disney Channel.

Mysterion:(disappointed) I knew there'd be no point in telling you guys.

Human Kite: OK, dude, let's just say you're not crazy and it's true. What's the big deal? I mean, I think it'd be pretty cool not being able to die.

Mysterion:(furious) Pretty cool?! Do you know what it feels like to be stabbed?! To be shot, decapitated, torn apart, burnt, run over?!!

Stan: Kenny, Kenny, calm down!

Mysterion: It's not pretty cool, Kyle! It fucking hurts! And it won't go away and nobody will believe me! Remember this time! Try and fucking remember!

(Takes a gun and shoots himself.)

Cartman: As the Coon explains how the disaster can be stopped something terrible happened. The Coon friends changed and their superpowers morphed them somehow turning them into supervillains! The Coon try to reason with them. Try to bring them back to the side of good but it was to late.

[Sometime later the boys are talking about their next move for a good deed]

Mysterion:[annoyed] You guys have no memory of me shooting myself in the head, do you?

Cartman: Whoa! Cooool! [struts over to it, then presses some icons on the iPad on the Japanese man's forehead.] Oh wooow! No waaay! [walks to the iPad on the woman's ass and presses some icons there.] It does e-mail and Web browsing, and it shits in Kyle's mouth?? This is the greatest thing that has ever been invented!!

(Cartman and his mother Liane are in Best Buy looking at iPads.)

Liane: Here, look at this one... a Toshiba HandiBook.

Cartman(offended that Liane would even suggest such a thing):A Toshiba HandiBook?!

Liane: This says it does everything the iPad does, at half the price.

Cartman(bratty): Mom, do not screw me over again! If I take that thing to school, everybody's going to think I'm a poverty-stricken asshole!

Liane(stern): Eric, stop acting like a spoiled brat! You can either have the Toshiba HandiBook, or you can have nothing at all! (There is a pause while Cartman considers this.)

Cartman(even snottier): I've got a better idea! Why don't you go across the street and buy some condoms, because we should at least be safe if you're going to FUCK ME, MOM!!!

Liane(sharp):Eric!

Cartman(butter his ass, he's on a roll!): You might as well buy some cigarettes too, because I like to have a smoke after I get good and fucked!(Cartman's meltdown has attracted some very unwelcome attention.) Do you wanna fuck me, Mom?! Just say so! (Cartman yanks down his pants and presents his ass to Liane, who is totally mortified.)GO AHEAD, MOM, FUCK ME!! FUCK ME RIGHT IN THE BEST BUY!! YOU WANNA FUCK YOUR SON SO BAD?! GO ON!! FUCK ME! FUCK ME!!!!

(Cut to the car, not long after that. Cartman is sobbing while Liane simply looks straight ahead at the road.)

Liane(angry): Stop crying, Eric! I told you that if you kept acting up, you weren't getting anything!

Cartman(contrite): But I told you I was sorry...

Liane(not convinced): You made me look like some sort of child molester in front of all those people!

Cartman(innocontrite): But I wasn't get you in trouble.

Liane: Then why did you go outside to the police officer and say "HELP HELP MY MOM IS TRYING TO FUCK ME!"

Japanese man: OH, NO! Cuttlefish is about to come out ofu asshole!

Kyle: (Please, don't!)

Japanese man: Here it comes! Oh, it's going to be arot! Hold on, Kairu! I berieve in youuuuuu!!! [shits into Kyle's mouth violently. A second later, Kyle shits into the woman's mouth violently. A second later the woman shits onto the iPad's back, and the iPad lights up with a soft bell sound]

"What a great day for Canadians everywhere! The Winnipeg drummers, playing the "March of 1000 Farts"...as is traditional for the Canadian Royal Family."

"People in attendance, now gently tossing Cap'n Crunch as the prince passes by...as of course is tradition."

"Ah, here she comes! Yes, there she is! The aboot-to-be princess of Canada. Isn't she ravishing? So pure of heart, so strong in body, so hot in the face....She is indeed the living symbol of our greatly country. My God, she's beautiful."

Scott: (loud, booming voice) Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum I smell Kraft dinna.

Canadian General: You're a dick, Scott! You have always been a dick! And then you got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now you're a giant dick!

Scott: No! You all kept calling me a dick and that turned me into a dick! And then I got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now I'm a giant dick!

Butters: ...and so then... And so then, it turns out that the Terminator secretly had a kid ten years ago, meaning Terminator could be his own father, and then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him.

Cartman: [enters the cafeteria in rage] GODDAMMIT! WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?! THIS IS THE LAST FUCKING STRAW! I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL EVERYBODY!!!!!

Butters: Hey, Eric!

Cartman: [violently shakes the table]I AM SO SICK OF THIS FUCKING SCHOOL!!!!![Butters gasps as the guys' drunks fall] THIS STUPID SCHOOL AND ITS STUPID PRINCIPAL HAS GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME!!!!!

Kyle: You get in trouble again, Cartman?

Cartman: NO, I DIDN'T DO A DAMN THING! Nothing! I told you, this school is a den of snakes! You're not gonna believe what they did this time, you guys.

Stan: Dude, we're just trying to eat.

Cartman: Oh, you think i'm overreacting again, huh?! No! Not this time! [shakes the table again] The school has gone too far this time and it affects each and every one of you!

Cartman: Let me guess - i'm in trouble again!

Principal Victoria: You're darn right, Eric!

Cartman: For what?!

Victoria: Why did you measure all the boy students' penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?!

Cartman: [points at her] Why did YOU measure our penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?!

Victoria: ...What?

Cartman: I don't care if Obama IS president! You don't go around putting little boys on blast, telling the whole world the lengths of their DICKS!

Victoria: Wait. Are you talking about the numbers we published Tuesday from the physicals?

Cartman: You're damn right! 1.2 inches. I'll have you know that MY penis is a respectable 1.4 inches! Maybe it's still the smallest in school, but it's .2 inches bogger than you said!

Victoria: The numbers we put up were height differentials!

Cartman: What?

Victoria: We thought it would be fun to put up how much each student has grown in height since their physical last year. You grew 1.2 inches.

Cartman: ...Those weren't our dick sizes?

Victoria: WHY would we publish the lengths of our students' private parts?!

Cartman: I don't know! Why would you?!

Victoria: We didn't!

Cartman: [gets off the chair] Aw, crap! You mean everyone knows my wiener is smaller than everyone else's because of me?!

Victoria: This is exactly the kind of thing we are always talking about, Eric. You get angry about something, you don't think, and you cause bad things to happen! This time, you've done it to yourself!

Cartman: Oh, god! Why couldn't I have just taken a minute to think about it?

Therapist: Excuse me. [goes to his desk and answers phone] Carol, what..? Whoa, calm down, honey. What do you mean? Web chat with wha..? What 14-year-old girl? Carol, I would ne-- [Cartman stops texting and puts down his iPhone 4] No, I don't have a criminal record, who-- Who is Mitch Connor? There can't be an official police report, honey, there's not-- No-no, Carol, put down the gun, swe-sweetie, come on-- Put down the-- [gunshot] Carol? Carol! [turns his head and stares at Cartman in shock]

Stan:[Pauses for a moment] Dude, Cartman Burger? Seriously? How shitty- is that fuckin' concept?

Kyle:See? There you go again. Look at you dude. Look what you've become. "Cartman shows up to see Kyle]

Cartman:Everything alright here, Kyle?

Kyle:Yeah, It's fine.

Cartman:We're uh gonna need some more patties pretty soon.

Kyle:Yeah yeah, ahh I'll be right there.

Stan:Come on, Kyle. This is about you and me, remember?!

Kyle:Look, dude, things around here have changed. Sometimes, the only way to keep going is to make a left turn.

Stan:[In silence, waiting for a moment] Fuck you Kyle, [Flips him off] You're piece of shit! [Kyle leaves to the burger stand] Kyle, I love you. [Kyle shows ups, but Stan flips him of again] You're piece of shit though, Fuck you! [Kyle leaves again to the burger stand] I love you. [Kyle refuses to show up to him]

Cartman: [turns around] Alright y'all, keep your eyes peeled and your guns ready. [spits something out, wipes his lips clean with the back of his shirt sleeve, and returns to patrolling the border] There's a heap of Mexicans out there who want nothin' more than to sneak past our border, and we've gotta stop them!

Liane: [walking out] Eric, you wanna say hi to Grandpa?

Cartman: Not now, Mom! We're playing Texans versus Mexicans! Gah! [turns to the boys on the ground - Clyde, Craig, and Timmy] All right patrol, you all know the drill. Not one Mexican is to get past this border! Not a single one! Yeehaw!

Steven: Well, I wanted to say that the time you just made a battlefield in South Park. [A flashback clip of the war of the South Park episode is seen, where people runs from the war after Butters gets shot] You think this is funny? Then wake up loser. We don't. [Cartman closes the door, another doorbell sound]

Cartman: Come on, Stan. Let's make the bus stop. [a bus is sent driving through the town when Cartman jumps to the road] Stop the car! [a

Kenny: I can't die. I've experienced death countless times. Sometimes, I see a bright light. Sometimes, I see Heaven or Hell. But eventually, no matter what, I wake up in my bed wearing my same old clothes. The worst part? No one even remembers me dying. I go to school the next day and everyone is just like "Oh, Hey Kenny," even if they had seen me get decapitated with their own eyes.

Butters: I don't want to do it if it hurts or if it makes you get all sticky.

Butters: [Butters is holding a Barbie doll on his right hand, while he holds his cut out of himself on his left hand.] "Hey there, Butters, wanna slap my titties around?" Uh, no thanks, ma'am. I might get grounded again.