Apple Cup humor

Whenever the University of Washington Huskies and Washington State Cougars get together for the annual Apple Cup, there are always plenty of jokes tossed around. This week, using internet fodder and a few reader suggestions, The Herald compiled some of its favorites.

JOKES FOR COUGAR FANS

How do you get a UW grad off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

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What’s the difference between a Husky fan and a husky dog?

Drivers will swerve to avoid the dog.

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What’s the difference between a Husky fan and Christina Aguilera?

One of them keeps putting on bad makeup, squeezing into a too-small dress and pretending it’s 1991 while everyone’s laughing at their desperate attempts to re-live the glory days. The other one is a pop singer.

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Did you hear that they’re using newspapers to cover the playing surface at the new Husky Stadium?

It’s because the UW football team always looks a lot better on paper.

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How do UW football players spend their first week on campus?

Studying the Miranda rights.

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Don James dies and goes to heaven. He introduces himself to an angel at the pearly gates, who leads him to a street where there’s a purple-and-gold mansion. He then notices a larger, crimson-and-gray mansion with three pools, a tennis court and 24-karat gold gates. “But how come Mike Price gets that one?” James asks. The angel turns, looks at the crimson-and-gray mansion and smiles. “That’s not Mike Price’s,” he says. “It’s God’s.”

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Did you hear about the Husky linebacker who stole the police car?

He saw the 9-1-1 on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

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What do you call a Husky in a three-piece suit?

The defendant.

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How many Huskies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to do it, the second to tell the other how much better Don James could have done it, and the third to complain about how Rick Neuheisel ruined the socket.

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Steve Sarkisian walks into a bar. The bartender asks what he’s having. “Whatever the potential recruits think will make me look better,” Sarkisian says, staring into a mirror.The bartender hands him a Washington State football visor.

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What does the average Washington football player get on his SAT?

Drool.

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What do you have if three Huskies are buried up to their necks in cement?

Not enough cement.

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A child and his mother are visiting the grave of a loved one at the cemetery.

They come upon a headstone that reads, “Here lies a UW graduate and an honest man.”

The child turns to his mother and asks: “Mommy, why did they bury two men in there?”

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If three University of Washington football players are together in a car, who is driving?

A police officer.

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What’s the most original thing a Washington student ever did?

Go outside without a hoodie.

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How is the Washington football team like a raccoon?

They both usually die on the road.

JOKES FOR HUSKY FANS

How many WSU football players does it take to eat a opossum?

Three. One to eat it, and two to watch for cars.

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How many WSU football players does it take to change a tire?

One, but he gets three hours class credit.

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Did you hear about the student who transferred from Washington to Washington State and raised the IQ of both Universities?

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What does a Cougar grad call a Husky grad?

Boss.

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A guy walks into a business and the man behind the counter asks if he can help him.

Mike Price dies and goes to heaven. He introduces himself to an angel at the pearly gates, who leads him to a street where there’s a crimson-and-gray mansion. He then notice a larger, purple-and-gold mansion with three pools, a tennis court and 24-karat gold gates. “But how come Don James gets that one?” Price asks. The angel turns, looks at the purple-and-gold mansion and smiles. “That’s not Don James’,” he says. “It’s God’s.”

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Did you hear that the Spice Girls are playing at Martin Stadium?

Yeah, they’re favored by 10 points.

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How many Cougars does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. There is no electricity in Eastern Washington.

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Mike Leach walks into a bar. The bartender asks what he wants. “Whatever the potential recruits think will make me look better,” Leach says. The bartender hands him a University of Washington cap.

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A WSU student and his girlfriend are driving to Moscow, Idaho, for dinner. When they pull into the parking lot, the WSU grad reaches over and places his hand on his girlfriend’s knee. She says: “Honey, you can go further if you’d like.” So he drives to Boise.

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Did you hear the one about the WSU water polo team?

They had to cancel the season after all the horses drowned in the season opener.

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A WSU fan walks into a bar with his dog. The Cougars game is on a big-screen television, and when WSU kicks a field goal on the opening drive, the dog does three flips and howls the Wazzu fight song.

The bartender says: “Wow, impressive. What does he do when the Cougs score a touchdown?”

“Well, I don’t know,” says the WSU fan. “I’ve only had him for four years.”