I am a survivor. Thats what those of us with Traumatic Brain Injuries call ourselves. Because I often can't remember yesterday this journal serves as my memory. I have decided to share my life to help others understand this disability. You can E mail me at bobcarver2@yahoo.com. Your comments are always welcome. Tell your friends about my blog if you find it interesting

Thursday, August 16, 2007

fear

This mornings sunrise

8/16/07 Thursday Fear is not good. Well sometimes it is. There are things we should be afraid of and that fear keeps us healthy and well. I’m not really afraid of rattlesnakes, used to catch them as a kid, but have a healthy fear of their bite. Unfortunately there is a fear in me that stems from my experiences since waking from the coma. For one, it seemed like every time things were looking up I’d get stomped on hard. The hospital was going to escort me out with only my hospital clothes but my brother showed up to take me. He put me in a dilapidated house but didn’t pay the sixty bucks a month so I got evicted. A Christian couple took me in and I was enrolled at the Brain Injury Institute where I was finally getting the medical and rehabilitation needed when I was extradited to Toledo. The court ended up kicking me out on the street where I wandered homeless. Through all this there were relationships that started out great but soured badly. Many of these happened after Cherie and I had gotten back together. They were with Christians at the Cedar Creek church. Things at the first church of Stanton started out with great promise but never materialized. Now I am paranoid about our new friends. It’s probably my imagination but I wonder if the level of trust has dropped a little. I wonder if someone has contacted them and said things that would cause this. I also wonder if there is something in the way I talk or act that triggers such things. Being totally honest about my history probably doesn’t help. I don’t know. I understand that these fears have no foundation but despite that the thoughts are still there. I’m just really insecure.

Last night I wasn’t doing too well so didn’t put finish on the cabinet. I put the first coat on this morning and will sand that down and put the second one on as soon as I get this posted. It looks real good and matches the other cabinets well. Cherie is real excited about it.

This morning I messed up. In thinking about purchasing the AVG anti virus spyware program we have on a thirty day trial my thoughts somehow decided I needed to uninstall the Spy Sweeper program I’d been using. I remembered it was a paid for program after I had already uninstalled it and there was a year left on the subscription. Felt real stupid. It wasn’t in the trash bin so there is probably no way to recover it. Just another hiccup of this brain. A term I’ve heard used is “Brain farts”. It’s frustrating to get this easily confused. A person at first church stated “All confusion is of the devil”. Whether that was aimed at me I don’t know but confusion is a common part of brain injury and for that matter it is often common with old age. Can't blame that on the devil.

Time to get moving. --------------------------The cabinet is finished. Now we can have the electrician hook up the stove and oven. It took me long enough. Cherie fixed chicken fajitas for dinner. She scraped out the meat of the New England pie pumpkins we grew. That will be froze I guess. There are two other types of pie pumpkins we have. One is simply called “Small sugar pie” and the other is “Cotton candy”. We will fix them separately to see what the difference is and which we like better. The cotton candy pumpkins are white.

I am having the first major slowdown I’ve had in days. My ability to operate the right leg is severely affected. Balance is off so will lay down. Gotta headache coming on. Trying to write is a challenge as well as typing. Be back when this clears up

5 comments:

Hi Bob! Just wanted to send you a "cyber hug" it sounds as if you need one today. I am having a case of the blahs myself, due to the rain, and a leaky roof.

You should be able to download the spyware program again from the website. If you had an account created already, it should remember you, or contact someone and tell them what happened, maybe they can help....I've done this same thing before, so don't worry.

Thanks Amy. The cyber hug is welcome and returned. I go through these emotions all the time. It's common with TBI. The same instability as being able to think clear one moment and then not. That in itself can be depressing.