What No One
Tells the Groom - Some Legal Consequences of Marriage, By Douglas
R. Page

The law contains many unexpected surprises. (Editor: Proposed laws
regarding "Informed Consent" before marriage have failed numerous
times in the California legislature. It is clear, there is a large
segment of the women's movement that doesn't want men to have a clear
picture of what they are commiting to.) Let the betrothed
beware!

Note: The majority of this information comes from the
Family Code book of California. Your state probably varies on many
points. This is meant as a guide only. Laws change daily. To get the
latest information, contact your divorce lawyer or purchase a copy of
the Family Code from your state.

A man and woman about to be married are at the lowest level common
sense about making a legal contract that they will be in their entire
lives. They are in love.

They are full of happy dreams, mutual delusions and inaccurate
expectations of what lies ahead. The sobering unfortunate fact is
that one out of every two marriages will end in divorce.

Since all of one's future earnings and acquisitions are at stake,
the marriage contract is legally and financially the most important
transaction of one's life. One would expect that the law would guard
betrothed citizens and protect them from the harsh consequences of
the vulnerable state of love-sickness. But it does not!

Instead it imposes unexpected hidden surprises upon the parties to
the marriage contract. Professor Lenore J. Wietzman, in her 1974
article, Legal Regulation of Marriage - Tradition and Change. 62
California Law Review 1169 at 1170 explains that the marriage
contract is unlike most contracts"

"It's (the marriage contract) provisions are unwritten, its
penalties are unspecified, and the terms of the contract are
typically unknown to the the "contracting
parties." Prospective spouses are neither informed of the
terms of the contract nor are they allowed any options about these
terms. In fact, one wonders how many men and women would agree to
the marriage contract if they were given the opportunity to read
it and to consider their rights and obligations to which they were
committing themselves." (emphasis added)

In Maynard v Hill 125 U.S. 204, the Supreme Court said:

"Marriage as creating the most important relation in life,a having
more to do with the morals and civilization of a people than any
other institution, has always been subject to the control of the
legislature. That body prescribes the age at which parties may
contract to marry, the procedure or form essential to constitute
marriage, the duties and obligations it creates, its effect upon the
property rights of both, present and prospective, and the acts which
may constitute grounds for its dissolution." (emphasis
added)

Every prospective husband and wife in California needs to know
what happens legally after they get married. The Court further
said:

"The consent of the parties is of course essential to its
existence, but when the contract to marry is executed by the
marriage, a relation between the parties is created which
they cannot change. Other contracts may be modified, restricted,
enlarged or entirely released upon the consent of the parties. Not so
with marriage.

"The relation once formed, the law steps in and holds the parties
to various obligations and liabilities. It is an institution, the
maintenance of which in its purity the public s deeply interested for
it is the foundation of the family and of society; without which
there would neither be civilization nor
progress." (emphasis added)

That is a large coercive power for the State to have over two
individuals who decide to get married, effecting a simple
partnership.

Marriage is a civil contract under the law (Family Code 300) but
unlike other contracts, there's no remedy for a breach of this
contract.

II. What Are Some of the Things
that can Happen in an Intact Marriage?

A. A spouse can do no work in the house and no work outside
the home without legal penalty.

B. A spouse can refuse to have sex with his or her spouse
once the marriage is consummated (consummation means having sex one
time after the marriage ceremony).

The "rights" to sex in marriage are not enforceable in any
court.

A federal judge stated the reason most clearly:

"If (married persons) were permitted to regular by private
contract where the parties are to live and whether the husband is to
work or be supported by his wife, there would seem to be no reason
why married persons could not contract as to the allowance the
husband or wife may receive, the number of dresses she may have, the
places where they will spend their evenings and vacations, and
innumerable other aspects of their personal relationships.

"Such right would open endless field for controversy and bickering
and would destroy the element of flexibility needed in making
adjustments to new conditions arising in marital life...the objection
is putting such conduct into a binding contract, tying the parties'
hands in the future and inviting controversy and litigation between
them"

Graham v Graham 33 F. Supp. 936 939

(Eastern District of Michigan, 1940)

C. A spouse can have sex with as many other persons as he or she
pleases without legal consequences, either during the marriage or at
the time of divorce.

California codes make the lack of remedy clear. Adultery is no
longer of legal concern.

California Civil Code 42.5 states:

"No cause of action arises for:

a) alienation of affection

b) criminal conversation (e.g.: sexual intercourse)

c) seduction of a person over the age of legal consent..."

Family Code 2335 states:

"In a...proceeding for legal separation or dissolution of
marriage...evidence of specific acts of misconduct shall be improper
and inadmissible..."

Adultery is therefore not only inadmissible as evidence; it is
improper even to mention the fact of adultery in a divorce case.

D. The non-working spouse can get credit cards and run up huge
bills without your knowledge or consent.

Even if you are the sole source of money in your household, your
non-working spouse can make contracts, get numerous credit cards,
incur bills, and use your earnings to meet those obligations.

Civil Code 1812.30 (a):

"No person, regardless of marital status, shall be denied credit
in his or her own name if the earnings...over which he or she has
management and control are such that a person of the opposite sex
managing and controlling the same amount of earnings...would receive
credit."

Family Code 1100:

"...either spouse has the management and control of the community
personal property..."

This includes your earnings!

Family Code 910:

"...the community property is liable for a debt incurred by either
spouse before or during marriage, regardless which spouse has the
management and control of the property and regardless whether one or
both spouses are parties to the debt or to a judgment for the
debt."

If you have worked hard, paid your bills or time and developed a
good credit rating, the addition of a spouse with poor credit,
spendthrift ways and a total disregard for budgeting can spell
disaster to a marriage and your credit.

Family Code 760:

"...all property real or personal wherever acquired by a married
person while domiciled in this state is community property..."

Family Code 751:

"The respective interests of the husband and wife in community
property...are present existing and equal interests."

The law indeed contains some surprises for the married person. One
surprise is the California community property system. This law is
based on a fixed assumption that supplies immediately to all spouses
the instant they enter a legal marriage.

The fixed assumption (no matter what the truth may be) is that
each spouse contributes in his or her own way with honest, good faith
effort to the success of the marital partnership so that each spouse
is entitled to and legally owns one-half of whatever the other spouse
earns.

"These provisions of the statute are borrowed from the Spanish
law...The statute proceeds upon the theory that the marriage, in
respect to property acquired during its existence, is a community of
which each spouse is a member, equally contribution by his or her
industry to its prosperity, and possess an equal right to succeed
to the property after dissolution in case of surviving the other...No
form of transfer or mere intent of parties can overcome this positive
rule of law. All property is community property except that owned
previous to marriage or subsequently acquired in a particular way.
The presumption therefore attending the possession of property by
wither is that it belongs to the community; expectations to the rule
must be proved." (emphasis added)

Unfortunately, some spouses choose not to work either in the home
or outside the home. These non-working spouses get a full one-half
anyway.

F. You must get your spouse's prior written consent for
many transactions.

Your spouse is a full partner with full and equal management
powers of your earnings and acquisition. Therefore, under Family Code
1100 you MUST:

1. Get your spouse's prior written consent before you quit your
job, since a job involves earnings, pensions, medical benefits and
vacation pay.

2. Get your spouse's prior written consent before you gamble, put
money in the California Lottery, buy a bicycle for your son, or buy
jewelry for your mother.

3. If you fail to get prior written consent, your spouse can sue
you during your marriage for your "mismanagement" of community
property. Family Code 1101. The practical effect of such a suit on a
marriage would have to be one of extreme strain.

G. If this is your spouse's second marriage, beware. The first
wife can collect support from the second wife's separate property
inheritance. CCP 700.160 (b) (2)

H. If your spouse becomes addicted to drugs, alcohol, or gambling,
there is no legal remedy short of divorce.

I. Some men and women are gold diggers. They marry with the
conscious intention of getting property and lifelong support from a
hardworking or wealthy spouse.

Again, the law provides no remedy for this kind of fraud. In a
marriage contract, the law inserts many clauses and surprises which
you have not agreed or even considered.

III. Divorce is a "Remedy" which does not
Necessarily End the Trouble

As we have seen, there is no remedy during the marriage for a
breach of the marital contract. Divorce does not provide a remedy
either.

In a divorce, three things happen:

1. Spousal Support will be ordered. The working or higher earning
spouse is ordered to pay Spousal Support to the non-working or lower
earning spouse. The amount is usually 40% of the earning spouse's
income. How long depends on the length of the marriage. If the
marriage lasted over seven years, the earning spouse MUST pay the
dependent spouse until the dependent spouse dies or remarries! This
often means for life! There is no legal way out. Are you
surprised? (The shortest amount of time of any "job" to get a
lifetime pension.)

The dependent spouse gets Spousal Support as a matter of right
regardless of whether the dependent spouse committed adultery or
breached the marital contract in other ways. California requires that
upon divorce, division of property and Spousal Support be granted
without consideration of fault. Family Code 2335.

2. The property will be divided in addition to your paying
Spousal Support. All the property acquired during the marriage
will be divided equally, one-half to your spouse, without
consideration of fault. The extra surprises are the items the law
considers "property." For example:

b. Personal injury damages. If you are hurt during marriage and
are paid a monetary settlement, the court can award some of it to
your spouse even though you suffered the pain and permanent loss of
earning capacity. Family Code 2603.

c. Education Benefits. Even if you worked your own way
through school and fully supported your spouse, you can be forced to
pay to your spouse one-half the money spent on your education plus
one-half of the income you could have earned, ha you not gone to
school. Family Code 2641

D. Goodwill. If you have a business or profession during
marriage, the law says you have "marital goodwill." This
means the tendency of old customers to come back. There are no legal
or accounting standards to value this "goodwill." Nevertheless, an
appraiser will testify that your goodwill has a value; typically at
least equal to last year's earnings. You cannot sell it. It may have
no value to you. Nevertheless, you will pay to your spouse one-half
of what the court finds the value of your goodwill to be, in addition
to one-half the value of the "hard" assets such as furniture and
accounts receivable.

E. Property that you owned before marriage or inherited. Spouses
by reason of "pillow talk," a wish to provide or to show a trust and
good faith, often transfer title to that house or cards to the new
spouse. You will likely not get these items back at the time of
divorce. The last presumes you have made a gift, so you may not get
back what was once your very own property. The same is true if you
make improvements on your spouse's house.

3. You will be ordered to pay attorney's fees. The earning
spouse will be ordered to pay the attorney's fees of the dependent or
non-earning spouse. Nowhere is the absence of remedy for break o the
marital contract more graphically illustrated than in the law
requiring an innocent spouse to pay the attorney's fees of the
wrongdoing spouse. Although it is a one-time charge, it is often from
$5,000 to $20,000 and it is the most irritating feature of all to the
innocent spouse.

IV. A Difficult
Remedy: Premarital (Prenuptial) Agreement

(See Premarital
Agreements by the same author who wrote
Annulment: Your chance to remarry within the Catholic
Church.)

For most people, premarital agreements are more about protecting
both your assets from the state and greedy divorce lawyers than about
protecting a rich spouse from a poor one. California has enacted the
Uniform Pre-Marital Agreement Act (Family Code 1600) authorizing an
agreement before marriage to be effective upon marriage. The
California Supreme Court has upheld the validity of a pre-marital (or
prenuptial agreement). Daviey 17 Cal.3d 342.

By such an agreement, betrothed parties can avoid some of the
surprises set forth above. (Editor: If she makes statements like
"Don't you trust me?" or "You must not love me." be careful. Part of
the marriage contract is a business deal, according to law. A woman
who can be trusted wouldn't make those kinds of statements and would
be interested in bringing clarity about expectations of each party
before commitments, verbal, legal or financial have been made.) You
and your betrothed can provide:

1. His earnings shall be his separate property and her earnings
shall be her separate property. The concept of "community property"
can be negated entirely if you wish.

2. Credit limits.

3. Who shall manage what property.

4. Protection from the new spouse from the claims of the former
family against the other spouse.

5. Possibly a future Spousal Support waiver, although the courts
have not yet ruled on this.

6. Possibly a clause that all property, support and custody
disputes shall be settled by private arbitration.

Code of Civil Procedure 1281 states:

"A written agreement to submit to arbitration...a controversy
thereafter arising is valid, enforceable and irrevocable..."

7. Possibly a clause requiring each party to pay his/her own
attorney's fees.,

Only the court can end the status of marriage, but that can be
accomplished separately by what is called "bifurcation," and the
divorce as to status only can be obtained by mail on affidavits.
Family Code 2336

The problem with pre-marital agreements is that they suggest a
lack of trust and thus seem to be inconsistent with the trust that
two people about to be married should have. On the other hand, the
legal surprises that the law imposes are also inconsistent with the
expectations of most couples. Many engagements have been broken
because one or the other suggested a premarital agreement.

Nevertheless, we urge betrothed couples to put aside their "rose
colored glasses," temporarily examine the surprises imposed by law
and bargain for a written agreement.

It is imperative that the business aspects of a marriage contract
be separated from the love and romantic aspects. The well-to-do have
used these contracts for decades. So should you.

If bargaining for such an agreement leads to a broken engagement,
so be it. The marriage probably would not have survived anyway.
Considering the present laws, we think that anyone who marries these
days without a premarital agreement is foolhardy.

YOU MUST see a lawyer to draft a pre-marital agreement. They
are tricky. The courts do not look upon them with favor. We have
attached a check list of items that might be covered in an agreement
and should be discussed in any case. You should fill this check list
out and take it to your lawyer.

PRE-MARITAL AGREEMENT

We, _________________ and ________________ are planning to be
married. We do hereby agree:

1. Nature of Relationship:

( ) A. Husband will work outside the home.
( ) B. Wife will work outside the home.
( ) C. Husband will stay at home and perform duties of
father and homemaker until the youngest child is ___ years old.
( ) D. Wife will stay at home and perform duties of
mother and homemaker until the youngest child is ___ years
old.

5. If we acquire Community Property by Reason of Paragprah 3B, 4B,
or 6B, the management and control of this property shall be:

( ) A. By Husband
( ) B. By Wife
( ) C. By both jointly.

6. Property that we own at the time of marriage and any property
we acquire during marriage by gift or inheritance shall:

( ) A. Remain the property of the spouse to whom it is
given.
( ) B. Become community property belonging equally to each
of us.

7. Regarding minor children that either of us have at the time of
marriage:

( ) A. The natural parent shall support
( ) B. The stepparent shall support.
( ) C. Remaining support needs not met by other sources
shall be shared equally by parent and stepparent.
( ) D. Stepparent shall assume the role of real parent and
may have the right and duty imposing limits and discipline.

9. Living Expenses during marriage:

( ) A. Husband will work and pay all.
( ) B. Wife will work and pay all.
( ) C. Each will work and pay one-half.
( ) D. Each will work and contribute in proportion to
earnings.

( ) A. As to each item, we will make a written agreement
as to its ownership or the shares of ownership.
( ) B. Each item shall remain the property of the one who
pays for it in proportion to the amount paid.
( ) C. Each item shall be jointly owned in equal shares as
community property.

( ) A. If either party is dissatisfied with the sexual
relationship, the other agrees to accompany the other to a reputable
counselor upon request.
( ) B. Husband agrees not to have sexual relations with any
other person.
( ) C. Wife agrees not to have sexual relations with any
other person.
( ) D. Both husband and wife may have sexual relations with
others

13. Birth Control - Children

( ) A. We want children immediately.
( ) B. We want children, but not until after we so agree in
writing.
( ) C. Wife will assume responsibility for birth
control.
( ) D. Husband will assume responsibility for birth
control.
( ) E. Wife will take off work for up to 6 months before
and after each pregnancy during which time husband will support
her.
( ) F. Husband will take off work for up to 6 months after each
pregnancy during which time wife will support him.

(g) Baby-sitting and child care while mother works will
be paid as provided in paragraph 8.

( ) A. Neither will purchase anything on credit without
the written consent of the other.
( ) B. A spouse may purchase on the spouse's own credit
card, but shall not use the other spouse's property or earnings as a
base.

16. Alcohol, drugs and tobacco:

( ) A. Husband states that he is not now physically
addicted to or psychologically dependent on: Alcohol__,
Drugs__, Tobacco __, Wife agrees__
( ) B. Wife states that she is not now physically addicted
to or psychologically dependent on: Alcohol__, Drugs__,
Tobacco __, Wife agrees__
( ) C. If either spouse believes that the other is taking
drugs or alcohol to the degree that the health of the other spouse of
the marital relationship is harmed, the other spouse agrees to seek
professional help. Husband agrees ( ) Wife
aggress ( )
( ) D. Husband and wife each agree not to smoke during
their marriage without the written consent of the other.

17. Education of a spouse:

( ) A. Husband will attend school and promises to pay
wife what he spent on schooling if husband and wife stop living
together.
( ) B. Wife will attend school and promises to pay husband
what she spent on schooling if wife and husband stop living
together.
( ) C. Husband will attend school and agree to pay for
wife's future education for a similar time period or its monetary
equivalent.
( ) D. Wife will attend school and agrees to pay for
husband's future education for a similar time period or its monetary
equivalent.

18. In case of disability, illness or unemployment of a spouse,
the other spouse will support and care for the one unable to work.
Medical and Hospital insurance, to the extent available, will be
maintained for dependents through the employment of each spouse,
unless waived in writing by both spouses.

19. Death:

( ) Unless changed by written agreement, each spouse
agrees to make a will leaving all of the spouse's property to the
other spouse.

( ) Dissolution:

In the event either of us decides to dissolve our marriage:

( ) A. Property shall be allocated to the owner
according to this agreement.
( ) B. Property shall be allocated according to the law in
effect.
( ) C. Custody of minor children shall be awarded to:

( ) D. Neither spouse shall have any obligations to
support the other. If a court should nevertheless compel support, the
supported spouse shall pay the supporting spouse back and the
supporting spouse may sue and levy on the property of the supported
spouse.

20. This agreement can be amended at any time. All amendments
shall be in writing and shall be signed by both of us.

21. If any court finds any portion of this agreement to be
unenforceable, the rest of the agreement shall remain valid and in
full force.

Dated:___________________

Husband _________________

Wife ____________________

Parental Consent: Which State
Allows 12 year olds to Marry With Parental Consent. Hint: It
Starts with an "M". Which state has no minimum age limit?

In every state, women and men must be at least 18 years old to marry
without parental consent. And, Nebraska requires you to be 19 while
in Mississippi and Puerto Rico, you must be 21. And, while there are
exceptions in some states if people have previously been married, are
commonlaw married, married by proxy, or pregnant, the age requirement
to be married with parental consent in some states might be
surprising. See how you faired:

a. What state has no age limit - California
b. What state requires girls to be 13 - New Hampshire. (The boy must
be 14).
c. And what state, that starts with an "M", allows 12 year old girls
and 14 year old boys to marry? Massachusetts.

Furthermore, there are seven states that allow younger girls to
marry with parental consent.

As a relationship ages, pecks on the cheek become the default, and
they're about as erotic as a pair of baggy sweatpants. A long,
lingering smooch reintroduces you to each other. Give her two a day:
one in the morning before one of you leaves, and one as soon as
you're both home. Mouths open. Arms around each other. "If you kiss
like that for the rest of your lives, passion will never fade,"
Cadell says.

2. Start outside the bedroom.

The same old place is too conducive to the same old patterns, says
Stella Resnick, Ph.D., a psychologist in West Hollywood and author of
"The Pleasure Zone." Explore some new erogenous areas: The kitchen.
The bathroom. Quebec City. Your bodies will be in new places, making
it unlikely that you'll follow old routines.

3. Compliment Her.

And keep doing it ... at least five times a day. It'll make her
feel noticed, special and appreciated, and she'll feel closer to you.
"The more connected she feels, the more sexually inspired she'll
feel," says Laura Berman, Ph.D., director of the Berman Center in
Chicago. Compliment what she feels good about and cares about -- her
hair, shoes, singing voice, work triumphs -- says Gloria Brame,
Ph.D., a sex therapist and the author of "Come Hither: A Common Sense
Guide to Kinky Sex." A confident sex partner is an adventurous sex
partner.

4. Go Canoeing or Hiking.

Add a distinct but manageable touch of danger to the day. It will
stimulate dopamine in her brain, which may trigger her sex drive,
says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., an anthropologist at Rutgers University and
the author of "Why We Love." Pick the right trip -- a guided
whitewater excursion, for instance -- and learn all about the risks
and the precautions you'll take. She'll see you as the cause of the
excitement, as well as the source of security. Book the right B&B
for the afternoon dry-off, and you're set.

5. Watch Pron without the Sound

Sure, you'll miss the snappy plumber-housewife banter. But now you
two provide the dialogue. You'll learn how to talk erotically, so
it's educational. But it's also fun, you're both invested in it, and
it can help reveal fantasies, says Ava Cadell, Ph.D., a sex therapist
and the author of "Love Around the House." And you'll probably find
some way to kill time during the sex scenes.

6. ... or See a Chick Flick

Maybe porn isn't her thing. But Pitt, Clooney or McConaughey might
be, and for her, these guys are porn, Brame says. She'll be
fantasizing about a man who's sweet and will treat her well. And when
he kisses the flirty female lead, you kiss your lady at the same
time. Show her that reality -- her life -- can be better than
that.

7. Feed Her Black Licorice

Bring it along when you're watching the Clooney flick. Black
licorice has been shown to speed up her genital bloodflow by 40
percent, Cadell says.

8. Craft Fantasies

Some Saturday afternoon when you're feeling frisky, pour wine and
divide 10 3x5 cards between you and your mate. Each of you writes
down five sexual fantasies while the wine loosens your inhibitions.
Then head out to a restaurant, where you can get a booth and some
privacy in a public setting. Over dinner and more wine, pull out the
cards and discuss. You'll feel filthy discussing this stuff in hushed
voices in a public place, which is exactly the point. Your goal: Make
three piles--"yes," "maybe someday" and "not on your life." Put the
possibles in a shoe box, and once a month (she feels sexiest before
she ovulates), pull a winner. Any necessary planning -- you can't go
with just any football player/cheerleader outfits -- heightens the
anticipation, Cadell says.

9. Explore New Regions.

You've heard about her nipples and vagina? Good. Now spend some
time on the back of her neck. It's a brave new world of nerve
endings, so gentle caressing and kissing are all that's needed. The
base of her spine is sensation central, as well. Or gently stroke and
kiss her belly just above the pubic hairline. Sex becomes about
discovery, not seeking some destination. "Goal-oriented sex is not
that sexy," Brame says.

10. Take an Overnight Train

There are stimulators all around, from the dining car to the
passing landscape, to trying to walk and balance a gin-and-tonic in
the aisle. And there's also your sleeping compartment, your own
special sex-womb-with-a-view. It's a new place, and it moves, which
adds a new dynamic. And it's somewhat public; there'll be new
excitement when you're in flagrante delicto and the train stops, and
people are outside your window.

11. Have Her go Commando for Dinner

The naked secret you now share will linger through dessert, says
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., a sociology professor at the University of
Washington and author of "The Great Sex Weekend."

12. Talk in Public

Lie on a blanket in a park, with people all around, and whisper
your fantasies to one another, sparing no detail. You'll create
sexual tension, but there's safety because there's no possibility of
sex then and there. "It's just plain sexy to start something that
can't be finished right then," Fisher says. When you return home
later, spread out the blanket on the floor -- a different location --
and release the tension.

13. Take Her to a New Restaurant

Dopamine is an ideal sex lubricant, and in any new experience, the
jets are on. When walking in unfamiliar territory, put your arm
around her. There's the thrill of the unknown, but you're guiding her
through it -- a potent mix. "It might make her want to have sex with
you," Fisher says.

14. Visit a Bookstore's Erotica Section

That in itself will fuel your imaginations. Make some purchases,
then read them to each other. You'll discover new interests that,
amazingly, never came up when you were buying garden supplies. Feel
free to enact a scene. Check out "Heat Wave: Sizzling Sex Stories,"
by Alison Tyler; "Five-Minute Erotica," by Carol Queen; and the
"Black Lace Series," by Kerri Sharp.

15. Use Fragranace for Foreplay

Spray a touch of the cologne she loves on the sheets. A study by
Indiana University found that women who fantasized while smelling a
popular men's cologne were more aroused than when smelling women's
cologne or a neutral odor. If you don't have a scent, shop for one
with her. That's foreplay, too.

16. Leave Home

Plan a trip without the kids, because Mom and Dad must also be
husband and wife. (Lastminute.com and site59.com specialize in
packaged getaways.) Take lots of pictures; in a few months, go
through them with her, slowly, and recall all the great stuff that
happened -- the sights, the food, the long mornings in bed. The
feeling will come hurtling back, Schwartz says -- without airfare
this time.

17. Throw the TV Out of the Bedroom

It sucks up time, makes you zone out and takes focus away from
what the room is for, Wiley says.

18. Climb to One Peak at a Time

Some couples feel pressure to reach orgasm at the same moment. But
that's like coordinating Patriots and Red Sox championships in the
same year: nice when it happens, but improbable. So on a night when
you're both primed to try something different, resolve to go for one
orgasm at a time, without intercourse. As a gentleman, you'll insist
that she go first, naturally. It will take some practice -- and lots
of moaned instructions -- to get the manual stimulation or oral
timing just right. This can only be good. Focusing on her solo
pleasure will teach you useful lessons to employ the next time you
strive for the Lombardi trophy together.

19. Ask for Directions

As you now know, the clitoris has two sides, so ask, "Do you like
it on the left or the right?" says Violet Blue, a sex educator and
the author of "The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy." Either she
knows and will appreciate your sensitivity, or she doesn't, and now
you've given her a new path to happiness. Plus, the question makes
her feel more comfortable with giving you feedback.

20. Clean Out the Closet

She keeps saying it needs to be done, so start doing it together
and then tackle her in there, on top of the out-of-season clothes
you're going to wash anyway. The room is stocked with ties,
blindfolds, costumes and a healthy air of 4.16-androstadien-3-one --
a chemical in your sweat, hair and skin. It's a potent arousal
mechanism, according to a study at the University of California at
Berkeley, and your clothes are saturated with it. When she reaches
the peak of her androstadien madness, have her put on that blouse she
hasn't worn in five years, and finally give it some purpose by
ripping it off. "Most women want to be ravaged by the men they love,"
Cadell says.

21. Go Picasso on Her

Buy a half-inch camel-hair paintbrush at the art-supply store, dip
it in chocolate sauce, and use it to adorn her stomach or thighs --
or paint a long line down her back and buttocks. Remove however you
see fit. If she'd prefer to be her own O'Keeffe, have her paint
sequential numbers on her body where she wants to be touched. Find
your way in order by using your fingertips and mouth. Accounting was
never this much fun.

22. Buy Her Something

It doesn't have to big. Just take her out, discover her wishes,
indulge, pay. It's the "Pretty Woman" fantasy, but this time, you're
Richard Gere. "Women turn on to togetherness and being taken care
of," Schwartz says. Achieve a double jumpstart by funding an erotic
shopping spree. Write out a gift certificate with an expiration date
that coincides with your evening at a hotel. If she prefers to shop
alone, let her -- either way, you'll find out what interests her,
Blue says.

23. Write Her as Letter

One that does not involve a laser printer or an e-mail address.
You want this to come straight from the heart. Write what you feel,
but the ruling sentiment should be one of gratitude and confidence in
your future together. Then, lick a stamp and mail it to her. She'll
feel valued and special, and not just because you're supporting the
postal service, which keeps the country working. "When a woman feels
desired, she'll feel desirous," Wiley says.

24. Swim

Bodies feel good in the water. You're semi-clothed and you're in
public, so it only goes so far, but you can play under the surface,
which adds tension, Brame says. A late-night skinny dip in the ocean
means fewer clothes and a little more danger, pumping up the dopamine
levels. Throw a blanket down when you crawl ashore: Sand hurts.

25. Talk Big About the Future

You know her dreams -- children, a beach house, season tickets to
the Steelers -- so tell her your plans to give her that and more.
You're touching a primal desire and emphasizing your long-term
commitment. "Women like to be provided for," Fisher says.

26. Experiment with Better Grooming

That is, trim each other's pubic hair until it's just right.
You're making some smooth skin, which is much more pleasing for the
12-second kisses. But it also makes for fun in the shower. It's slow
and methodical, but it also allows for some power-playing. She has
the razor; she has control. And you determine, with her help, just
how bare she's willing to go.

They show tools you can use in less than a minute that REALLY make a
difference in your relationships.

The videos are on subjects like:

How To Stop An Argument Instantly
How To Stop Blame And Criticism
How To Tell When Your Partner Is Lying
How To End Money Struggles and...
The "7-Year Orgasm" story (the one the producers wouldn't let them
tell on 'Oprah')

The videos are very entertaining, and created by two of today's
most trusted relationship experts, Drs. Kathlyn and Gay
Hendricks.

You've probably seen their bestselling books such as Conscious
Loving, or seen them on one of their appearances on 'Oprah.'

We've always loved Gay and Katie's work. In fact they we're two of
our early relationship mentors when we were first getting started
teaching people like you about relationships. We've even spent time
with them in their home in California.

John Gray, author of "Men Are From Mars, Women are from Venus"
calls the Hendricks "Masters of the art of intimacy."

Go get the videos by clicking on this link.

They really make it lots of fun to learn the deepest, most
important things in the world--how to feel more love in your love
life.Source: eMail

Marriage Is For Losers

"You can be right, or you can be married; take your pick." I can't
remember who told me that, but I do remember they were only
half-joking. The other half, the serious half, is exceedingly
important. Because if marriage is going to work, it needs to become a
contest to see which spouse is going to lose the most, and it needs
to be a race that goes down to the wire.

When it comes to winning and losing, I think there are three kinds
of marriages. In the first kind of marriage, both spouses are
competing to win, and it's a duel to the death. Husbands and wives
are armed with a vast arsenal, ranging from fists, to words, to
silence. Spouses destroy each other, and, in the process, they
destroy the peace of their children. These marriages account for most
of the 50 percent of marriages that fail, and then some.

The second kind of marriage is rife with winning and losing, but
the roles are set, and the loser is always the same spouse. These are
the truly abusive marriages, the ones in which one spouse dominates,
the other submits, and in the process, both husband and wife are
stripped of their dignity. These are the marriages of addicts and
enablers, tyrants and slaves, and they may be the saddest marriages
of all.

But there is a third kind of marriage.

The third kind of marriage is not perfect, not even close. But a
decision has been made, and two people have decided to love each
other to the limit, and to sacrifice the most important thing of all
-- themselves. In these marriages, losing becomes a way of life, a
competition to see who can listen to, care for, serve, forgive, and
accept the other the most. The marriage becomes a competition to see
who can change in ways that are most healing to the other, to see who
can give of themselves in ways that most increase the dignity and
strength of the other. These marriages form people who can be small
and humble and merciful and loving and peaceful.

And they are revolutionary, in the purest sense of the word.

We live in a culture in which losing is the enemy. We wake up to
news stories about domestic disputes gone wrong. Really wrong. We go
to workplaces where everyone is battling for the boss's favor and the
next promotion, or we stay at home where the battle for the Legos is
just as fierce. Nightly, we watch the talking heads on the cable news
networks, trying to win the battle of ideas, although sometimes they
seem quite willing to settle for winning the battle of decibels. We
fight to have the best stuff, in the best name brands. We fight for
attention and approval and a sense of worth, and when we finally look
at each other at the end of the day, we fight, because we are trained
to do nothing else. And, so, cultivating a marriage in which losing
is the mutual norm becomes a radically counter-cultural act.

A rebellion.

What do the rebellious marriages look like? When my blood is
bubbling, I try to remember a phone call we received from my son's
second grade teacher. She called to tell us there had been an
incident in gym class. After a fierce athletic competition, in which
the prize was the privilege to leave the gym first, my son's team had
lost. The losers were standing by, grumbling and complaining about
second-grade-versions of injustice, as the victors filed past. And
that's when my son started to clap. He clapped for the winners as
they passed, with a big dopey grin on his face and a smile stretched
from one ear of his heart to the other. His startled gym teacher
quickly exhorted the rest of his team to follow suit. So, a bunch of
second grade losers staged a rebellion, giving a rousing ovation for
their victorious peers, and in doing so, embraced the fullness of
what it can mean to be a loser. When I'm seething, I try to remember
the heart of a boy, a heart that can lose graciously and reach out in
affection to the victors.

In marriage, losing is letting go of the need to fix everything
for your partner, listening to their darkest parts with a heartache
rather than a solution. It's being even more present in the painful
moments than in the good times. It's finding ways to be humble and
open, even when everything in you says you're right and they are
wrong. It's doing what is good for your spouse, even when big things
need to be sacrificed, like a job, or a relationship, or an ego. It
is forgiveness, quickly and voluntarily. It is eliminating anything
from your life, even the things you love, if they are keeping you
from attending, caring, and serving. It is seeking peace by accepting
the healthy but crazy-making things about your partner because, you
remember, those were the things you fell in love with in the first
place. It is knowing that your spouse will never fully understand
you, will never truly love you unconditionally -- because they are a
broken creature, too -- and loving them to the end anyway.

Maybe marriage, when it's lived by two losers in a household
culture of mutual surrender, is just the training we need to walk
through this world -- a world that wants to chew you up and spit you
out -- without the constant fear of getting the short end of the
stick. Maybe we need to be formed in such a way that winning loses
its glamour, that we can sacrifice the competition in favor of
people. Maybe what we need, really, is to become a bunch of losers in
a world that is being a torn apart by the competition to win. If we
did that, maybe we'd be able to sleep a little easier at night, look
our loved ones in the eyes, forgive and forget, and clap for the
people around us.

Study finds the bigger the age gap, the
more likely that the couple will divorce

Research from Emory University shows the bigger the age gap in a
marriage ... the more likely that couple won't last.

Now, at first that might sound like it makes sense. But according
to this research, even being as little as one year apart can matter.
The study was published in September, but a writer recently broke
down some of the stats and brought the news in an easier-to-read
format.

Randal Olson is the one who analyzed the stats from Emory, making
a graph that shows couples with a 5-year gap in age are 18 percent
more likely to divorce, and those with a 30-year gap in age are a
whopping 172 percent more likely to divorce. But even just being one
year apart puts you at a 3 percent higher divorce rate.

Although, according to the knower-of-all-things, Facebook, those
low age gaps are pretty common. The company used its data for this
analysis earlier this year: "Internationally, the male partner is on
average 2.40 years older than the female. In 67% of relationships,
the male is older than the female, compared to 20% where the female
is older and 13% where the partners are the same age."

Age gap: 39 Years

The Scarface actor, 57, and his girlfriend Lyda, 18,
hit the town in September 2014, officially cementing their status as
a couple. The pair first stepped out publicly in July 2014.

And to top that, Female First said the perfect age gap for couples
is four years and four months. Although, this wasn't very scientific.
It was just a questionnaire of 2,000 people's opinions.

The Emory study also noted staying together longer increased your
odds of not divorcing. Couples that have been together five years are
76 percent less likely to head to divorce court.

The study also shows a couple other factors associated with an
increase and decrease the length of marriages, like how much money
was spent on the wedding, how many guests attended and whether or not
the couple attends church.

The economy of equality: How same-sex
marriage would boost the economy

So far the Supreme Court has more or less stayed out of the issue,
but pressure is building for the high court to make a decision. If
SCOTUS does decide to give same-sex marriage the okay it could be a
big deal for the economy.

Two years after Texas become one of the last states to allow
transgendered people to use proof of their sex change to get a
marriage license, Republican lawmakers are trying to roll back the
clock.

Advocates for the transgendered say a proposal to bar
transgendered people from getting married smacks of discrimination
and would put their legally-granted marriages in danger of being
nullified if challenged in court.

One of the Republican sponsors of the legislation said he's simply
trying to clean up the 2009 law in a state that bans same-sex
marriage under the Constitution.

"The Texas Constitution," Sen. Tommy Williams said, "clearly
defines marriage between one man and one woman."

The legislation by Williams, of Houston, and Rep. Lois Kolkhorst,
of Brenham, would prohibit county and district clerks from using a
court order recognizing a sex change as documentation to get married,
effectively requiring the state to recognize a 1999 state appeals
court decision that said in cases of marriage, gender is assigned at
birth and sticks with a person throughout their life even if they
have a sex change.

Most states allow transgendered people to get married using a
court order that also allows them to change their driver's license,
experts said. Some advocates for the transgendered say the Texas
proposal would not only prevent future transgendered marriages but
also open up the possibility that any current marriage could be
nullified.

"It appears the goal is to try to enshrine a really horrifying
ruling and making it law in the state of Texas," said John Nechman, a
Houston attorney whose law firm does work for the gay, lesbian,
bisexual and transgendered community.

Gov. Rick Perry's spokesman Mark Miner said the governor never
intended to allow transgendered people to get married. He said the
three-word sex change provision was sneaked through on a larger piece
of legislation Perry signed two years ago regarding marriage
licensing rules for county and district clerks. Perry, a Republican,
supports efforts to "clarify the unintended consequences" of that
law, Miner said.

"The governor has always believed and advocated that marriage is
between a man and a woman," Miner said.

Williams said he understands that some people's gender cannot
easily be determined when they are born and they later have an
operation that could change the originally assigned gender.

"It is an emotional issue," Williams said. "I can appreciate
that."

But when asked about claims of discrimination, Williams insisted
his goal is to simplify marriage licensing for clerks who are trying
to balance the 2009 law with the 1999 Texas appeals court ruling.

"They shouldn't have to resolve these issues," Williams said. "We
have confused them."

Williams' legislation has cleared a committee vote and now awaits
approval by the full Senate, which is predominantly Republican. The
version in the GOP-dominated House has not yet been given a
hearing.

Some advocates for the transgendered say that even if the
legislation is passed, transgendered people could still get marriage
licenses using other state and federally-issued documents such as a
drivers' license or passport. But without the weight of a court order
officially recognizing their gender reassignment, they worry any
legal challenge, such as a divorce or estate dispute, would nullify
the marriage.

"We want to be recognized as people. We want to have the same
rights as all of you," Lisa Scheps of the Transgender Education
Network of Texas said at a March hearing on Williams' bill. No one
testified in favor of the legislation.

Kolkhorst, who authored the 2009 law that allowed the sex change
documentation to be used in getting marriage licenses, did not
respond to messages left at her office seeking comment on why she now
wants to take it out.

The 2009 law originally was filed without the sex change document
provision, but House records show Kolkhorst put it in as part of a
lengthy amendment in the last month of the session. The changed
legislation passed the House and Senate and Perry signed it into law
a month later.

"It would be terrible for Texas, now that it finally caught up
with the rest of the country, to take a step back," said Shannon
Minter, an attorney for the national Transgender Law and Policy
Institute. He said most states allow marriages for people who have
undergone sex reassignment surgery.

Nikki Araguz was at the Capitol last week to lobby against the
legislation. Her husband, a volunteer firefighter, was killed in the
line of duty in July 2010 and she is being sued by her dead husband's
family over control of his $600,000 estate.

Araguz had a final sex change operation in October 2008, two
months after they were married, and says her husband knew and
supported her. His family argues the marriage should be voided
because Araguz was born a man and same-sex marriage is not legal in
Texas. A hearing is scheduled for May 13.

"This is crazy. I feel like this is a personal attack on me,"
Araguz told The Associated Press. "If this bill is passed, it
essentially means women like myself who have had reconstructive
surgery will not be allowed to marry their heterosexual partner."Source: www.aolnews.com/story/texas-may-strip-away-transgender/1772758/

How ironic. With thousands of gay and lesbian couples anxious
to get married, the District of Columbia is denying them that right
while, at the same time, offering that special group of people -
heterosexuals - yet another benefit to get married. They could get as
much as $9,000 in federal funds (your tax dollars- and other cash
just because they make their relationship legal. The idea, pushed by
Sen. Sam Brownback, R-Kan., and approved by Congress, gives couples
earning under $50,000 a year a "marriage bonus" to buy a home, pay
for job training or education for themselves of their children, or to
start or expand a business. If a couple saves $3,000 in three years,
they will receive a 3-to-1 match up to $9,000. So far, $1.5 million
in federal dollars has been allocated, to be matched by private money
from foundations and individuals. Just two couples and three
individuals have signed up for far. How
the Program WorksSource: USA Today

Researchers found men and women in unhappy marriages suffered from
increased stress levels throughout the day at home and at work as
well as higher blood pressure at midday at the office, which could
raise the risk of heart attack or stroke.Source: my.webmd.com/content/article/112/110217.htm

Marriage +
Kids = Low Desire for Women?

Married women are more likely to have sexual
desire problems than either single women or married men, and those
with children under the age of 5 are the most likely to report having
little interest in sex, a new study shows.Source: my.webmd.com/content/Article/112/110523.htm

How about if you've been married for a year? Or five years? A new
study examines if "happily ever after" is actually attainable -- or
if it's only found in fairy tales.Source: my.webmd.com/content/article/62/71621.htm

Married Couples Often Get Same Diseases:
Shared Environment and Lifestyle Likely to Blame

They say that married people can end up looking like each other. Now
there's evidence that married people often suffer the same health
conditions.

British researchers studied more than 8,000 married couples and
found that spouses of people who had asthma, depression, and stomach
ulcers were 70% more likely to develop the conditions themselves.
This held true even after accounting for factors such as smoking,
obesity, and age.

The study from the University of Nottingham is reported in the
Sept. 21 edition of the British Medical Journal.

The couples also were screened for diabetes, high cholesterol,
high blood pressure, and depression. Spouses had higher chances of
suffering from those diseases as well.

The researchers believe environmental factors including allergy
triggers likely account for the asthma sharing. And diet and similar
patterns of exercise likely account for the similarity with high
blood pressure and cholesterol.

A 30-year-old tenet - that in a marriage, men get all the benefit
while women get all the stress - has been dealt a blow by a study
which says husbands and wives get an equal boost from wedded
union.

Back in 1972, sociologist Jessie Bernard provided a major
conceptual cornerstone for the fledgling Women's movement with
research into mental health among married and unmarried people.

She found that symptoms of anxiety, depression, neurosis and
passivity were far more prevalent among single men than among married
men. She concluded that married men were happier because they got
those benefits at the expense of women.

Bernard's work became one of the conceptual cornerstones of modern
feminism, becoming popularly abbreviated into notions of male
selfishness and that marriage "drives women crazy." But an Australian
study says Bernard got it wrong, the British weekly New
Scientist says.

Bernard's research was too narrowly defined  she asked about
stress indicators that overwhelmingly affect women more than men, for
whom the likelier symptoms of poor mental health would be drug and
alchol abuse, the study says.

Psychologist David de Vaus of Melbourne's La Trobe University
looked at data from 10,641 adults taken from a 1996 national survey
of mental health that includes substance abuse as stress indicators.
Roughly speaking, he found there were "female disorders" and "male
disorders."

Women were almost twice as likely as men to suffer mood and
anxiety disorders, while men were twice as likely as women to drink
too much or turn to drug abuse.

Ultimately, the percentage of married men and women at risk from
mental disorder was almost exactly the same: 16.6 percent of husbands
and 16 percent of women had had all the symptoms of at least one
classified disorder within the 12 months prior to interview.

His study also found that marriage helps good mental health.
Married people were the least likely to suffer from any disorder. In
contrast, divorced and separated people were the most vulnerable to
mood and anxiety disorders, while spinsters and bachelors were most
at risk from drug and alcohol abuse.

Marriage seems to be so good for men's health that married men are
less likely to die in a given period than their single counterparts,
according to researchers.

Professor Andrew Oswald and Dr. Jonathan Gardner from the
department of economics at Warwick University looked at data on more
than 12,000 adults from the British Household Survey and the British
Retirement Survey.

Factoring out influences such as smoking and drinking, married men
were 6.1 percent less likely to die over a seven-year period than
single men, they found.

Women benefited less from marriage, with their death risk dropping
just 2.9 percent.

Researchers have often found that married men and women are
healthier than their single counterparts, (Editor: so why was
smoking and drinking factored out?) and the Warwick researchers
speculate that a spouse might reduce a man's stress and encourage a
healthy lifestyle.

But that does not seem to be the only factor, they noted..

"Exactly how marriage works its magic remains mysterious," they
wrote in their report.

"Perhaps a strong personal relationship improves mental health and
helps the individual to ward off physical illness. More research here
is certainly needed."

Oswald said the findings debunk the idea that wealthier people
live longer. "Forget cash. It is as clear as day from the data that
marriage, rather than money, is what keeps people alive," he said in
a statementSource: http://xtramsn.co.nz/news/0,,3782-1681900,00.html
(Editor: Of course, people on life-support live longer too, not
necessarily happier. It's often a much more restrictive life-style
and stops men from pushing the edge of life and enjoying doing that
like they might otherwise do if they weren't married. Also, not
factored in is the suicide, depression, and illness that happens to
men during divorce and custody battles that aren't usually as
apparent or impactful in a marriage but are caused, in part, by the
act of getting married.)

Are You Among The 17%?

It is estimated that 83% of divorces could be prevented if couples
asked each other the right questions before they got married. For a
list of the 1,000 most important questions to ask your partner, click
here...Source: hop.clickbank.net./hop.cgi?collins101/couples

Live-In Likely to Break Up by Laura
Meckler

Dorian Solot isn't surprised by the rising number of couples living
together before marriage. ''They want to be absolutely sure this is
the right person before they say, 'I do' for a lifetime,'' she
said.

But a report released Wednesday suggests they may be hurting, not
helping, their marriage prospects: These marriages are significantly
more likely to end in divorce.

That is partly because people who choose to live together tend to
be younger, less religious or have other qualities that put them at
risk for divorce, said Catherine Cohan, assistant professor of human
development and family studies at Penn State University. But that may
not fully explain it, she said.

''Many people enter a cohabiting relationship where the deal is,
'If this doesn't work out we can split up and it's no big loss
because we don't have a legal commitment,''' she said. ''The
commitment is tenuous, and that tenuous commitment might carry over
into marriage.''

It is one of several findings from a comprehensive report on
cohabitation, marriage and divorce, described as the detailed look at
cohabitation, marriage and divorce ever produced.

The report, based on a survey of nearly 11,000 women, found that
by age 30, three in four women have been married and half have lived
with a partner outside marriage.

It identified numerous risk factors for divorce: People who are
young, with low incomes, no religious affiliation and less education.
Also, children of divorced parents are more likely to divorce
themselves.

Overall, 43 percent of marriages break up within 15 years,
according to data from the National Survey of Family Growth.

Black women are least likely to marry and most likely to divorce,
with more than half splitting within 15 years. Asian marriages are
the most stable, with whites and Hispanics in between.

Women are waiting longer to get married than they used to, and
after a divorce, they are less likely to remarry than women once
were.

The survey, released by the Centers for Disease Control and
Prevention, found that 70 percent of those who lived together for at
least five years did eventually walk down the aisle.

But these marriages are also more likely to break up. After 10
years, 40 percent of couples that had lived together before marriage
had broken up. That compares with 31 percent of those who did not
live together first.

Part of the problem may be attitudes toward cohabitation are
different than attitudes about marriage, said Wade Horn, a marriage
expert who directs children and family programs at the Department of
Health and Human Services.

When living together, he said, the attitude is ''I vow to stay
together with you as long as you make me happy.'' In a marriage,
people focus on making their partners happy.

''If you're used to viewing being together as a test of the other
person's ability to take care of your needs, once you get married
it's hard to just switch that,'' Horn said.

Solot, executive director of the Boston-based Alternatives to
Marriage Project, is more optimistic - as long as couples begin
living together with similar expectations.

''If one of you thinks you're headed for the altar and the other
thinks you're just splitting the cost of rent, you're both in for a
surprise,'' she said.

The report, based on 1995 data, found other groups facing a high
risk of divorce, including:

-Young people. Nearly half of those who marry under age 18 and 40
percent under age 20 get divorced. Over age 25, it's just 24 percent.
The difference is maturity, says Chicago psychologist Kate Wachs.

''A lot of young people focus on right now, and if I'm not happy
right now, I should get divorced,'' said Wachs, author of
''Relationships for Dummies.'' Older people have more life experience
and realize ''if I hang in there, it will probably get better.''
-Nonreligious people. Affiliating with religion - any religion -
helps. Of those who don't consider themselves part of any religious
group, 46 percent were divorced within 10 years.

-Children of divorce. Women whose parents were divorced are
significantly more likely to divorce themselves, with 43 percent
splitting after 10 years. Among those whose parents stayed together,
the divorce rate was just 29 percent.

The report also found:

-Broken marriages do not always lead to divorce, with many
separated couples still legally married.

This was particularly true for black women: Just 67 percent of
women who were separated from their husbands were divorced three
years after the separation.

-Just over half of divorced women - 54 percent - get married again
within five years. These rates have been falling since the 1950s,
when 65 percent of divorced women remarried.

U.S. Divorce Statistics
Compiled

One in three marriages will end in divorce during their first 10
years, with certain couples more likely to split up than others, a
government survey finds.

People who marry young, have less money, are not religious and
whose parents are divorced are more likely to divorce themselves.

Overall, by age 30, three in four women have been married and
about half have lived with a partner outside marriage.

Those are among the findings of an extensive survey of nearly
11,000 women ages 15 to 44 exploring factors influencing
cohabitation, marriage and divorce. The survey, conducted in 1995 by
the National Center for Health Statistics, focuses on a wide range of
family and fertility issues and included only women. A new round of
interviews being done now includes both men and women.

Among the findings released Wednesday:

Women whose parents were divorced are significantly more likely to
divorce. Among women whose parents stayed together, 29 percent were
divorced after 10 years. Among those who came from broken marriages,
43 percent were divorced.

Couples who live together before getting married are more likely
to divorce. After 10 years, 40 percent of cohabiting couples had
broken up, versus 31 percent of those who did not live together
first.

``If you have a couple thinking about getting together, they don't
believe it's right to cohabit. These are also the kind of people not
likely to divorce,'' said Matthew Bramlett, the report's lead
author.

Black women are significantly less likely to marry than white
women. By age 30, 81 percent of white women have been married,
whereas only 52 percent of black women. The report notes one
explanation, that there are fewer black men considered marriage
material, given their high rates of unemployment.

Black women are also less likely to remarry after a divorce than
white women.

Broken marriages don't always lead to divorce, with many couples
broken up but still legally married.

This was particularly true for black women. Just 67 percent of
women who were separated from their husbands were divorced three
years after the separation. Among Hispanic women, it was 77 percent;
among whites, 91 percent.

Just over half of divorced women - 54 percent - get married again
within five years. For white women, it's 58 percent, but just 44
percent for Hispanic women and 32 percent for black women. These
rates have been falling since the 1950s, when divorced women had a 65
percent chance of remarrying.

Sex, lies and monogamy

The New Scientist magazine recently featured a series of
articles on the science of gender and asks some fundamental questions
about how we see ourselves as men and women.

At the heart of all long-term relationships lies a fundamental
deception, according to one of the articles. The evolution of
monogamy makes interesting reading and confirms the cynic's view of
human relationships that women only stay with men for security, and
men only stay with women for sex!Source: www.newscientist.com/newsletter/news.jsp?id=ns228835

Divorced or separated men are more than twice as likely to kill
themselves as men who remain married. On the other hand, a marital
split is not a significant risk factor for suicide among women. These
are the findings of a recent study of suicide and divorce that reveal
a surprising gender gap on the issue.

We knew from past research that divorce was linked to increased
risk of suicide," says Augustine Kposowa, the author of the study
that appeared in The Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health.
"What we didn't know was the difference between men and women in this
respect."

Kposowa, an associate professor of sociology at the University of
California at Riverside, based his findings on death statistics
compiled in the National Longitudinal Mortality study, which tracks
causes of death. He analyzed the cause of death for almost 472,000
men and women over a nine-year period, starting with 1979. In that
group, 432 men and 113 women had committed suicide.

Kposowa says the link between divorce and suicide in men holds
true even after adjusting for other factors associated with suicide
risk, including age, income and level of education. Race is also a
factor, with 50 percent more white than black men committing suicide.
For women, he found, age is a stronger factor than marital status.
The suicide rates were higher for women over 65.

The medical director of the American Foundation for the Prevention
of Suicide, Dr. Herbert Hendin, says it's been widely known that men
are more than four times as likely to commit suicide as women.

But their heightened suicide risk after divorce or separation
could involve a host of variables, Hendin, a professor of psychiatry
at New York Medical College, adds. More than half of those who commit
suicide have substance-abuse problems, which are more common in men
and often lead to marital breakups, he says.

Trying to cope with loss of control Control can also be an issue
for some men who insist on being the ones who decide what happens and
when in their lives, he adds. They can feel particularly threatened
when their wives file for divorce.

Hendin speculates that the findings concerning divorced women and
suicide may reflect a change in women's attitudes. In the past, he
says, women may have had their self-esteem more closely tied to their
marriages and were devastated when that relationship failed. "We're
probably seeing that women are more able to deal with life on their
own now," he says.

Kposowa's own theories, which he intends to test through further
research, include the link between men and their children, which he
says is often severed because the woman is usually awarded
custody.

"A man may not get to see his children, even with visitation
rights," Kposowa says. "As far as the man is concerned, he has lost
his marriage and lost his children and that can lead to depression
and suicide." Kposowa next says he intends to compare suicide rates
of divorced fathers with those of divorced men with no children.

Another possible explanation for the gender gap in post-divorce
suicide risk is that women cope better because they are more likely
to have supportive networks of friends and family, Kposowa says.

That rings true to Dr. Michael Meyer, a clinical professor in the
department of psychiatry at the University of British Columbia in
Vancouver and author of the book, Men and Divorce.

"Men tend not to talk to their male friends that easily about
personal problems in their lives," Meyer says. "And, they also tend
not to go to their primary care physicians as easily as women for
anything or seek psychiatric help of any kind. The result can be a
very scary sense of isolation."

Should Marriage Have A Sell-By Date?

In the months leading up to our wedding some 13 years ago, my husband
and I had a series of meetings with the priest and the rabbi who were
to preside jointly over our ceremony. These weren't exactly pre-cana
classes -- more like a series of "getting-to-know" you sessions --
but they were thought-provoking all the same.

We got a lot of good advice from our respective officiants. The
Rabbi leaned in and told us that the secret to a good wedding wasn't
the food, but the music. He then proceeded to recommend a band from
the South Side of Chicago called The Gentlemen of Leisure which he
assured us would rock the house. The priest, for his part, counseled
us that we should never go to go to bed angry.

Both kernels of wisdom turned out to be true. But something else
the priest said has also stuck with me through the years: "In my
opinion, it's far too easy to get married in this country and far too
difficult to get divorced."

That comment came back to me last week when I read that the major
left wing political party in Mexico has proposed a change to the
civil code that would issue temporary marriage licenses. The minimum
marriage contract would be for two years and could be renewed if the
couple stayed happy. The contracts would also include provisions on
how children and property would be handled if the couple splits.

Having lived in Mexico for a bit of time, I'm fairly certain that
this bill won't pass muster in the heavily Catholic country. But it's
certainly an idea worth taking on board, in Mexico and elsewhere.

I consider myself to be a happily married person. But I also know
that I'm a minority. Many of my close friends and family members have
split from their partners, some bitterly so. And many of the couples
I know who have stayed together clearly regret that decision.

As I've stated before, I'm not pro-divorce. But the statistics
speak for themselves. While divorce rates have been dropping over the
past 20 years in the U.S., for the average couple marrying for the
first time, the lifetime probability of divorce or separation remains
between 40 and 50 percent. These days, researchers speak of a "three
year glitch" (as opposed to the "seven year itch") in estimating the
average time before a couple begins to grow sick of one another.

And still -- curiously, almost blindly -- we continue to idealize
marriage.

To be sure, some interesting alternatives to marriage are
surfacing on the horizon. Cohabitation has doubled in the U.S. in the
last 15 years among 30-44 year olds. In Canada, the new buzzword is
LATS, which refers to people who live apart but remain in long-term,
committed relationships. According to the 2001 census, one in twelve
Canadians falls into this category.

Alongside these innovations -- and for the old-fashioned amongst
us -- we could also make marriage, like so many other contracts we
enter into, fixed-term and renewable. In today's world, that seems
not only practical, but desirable.

Wake up to reality. This scenario happens to hundreds of married men
every day. "Your wife files for divorce. She's been planning this for
a while, so knows all the steps to take. She will likely petition for
"temporary" custody of the children and for "temporary" alimony and
child support. Simultaneously, she may claim that the marital tension
you are generating around the house is jeopardizing the well-being of
the children, and she will petition the court to evict you from the
familyhome. If she cannot prove that your presence in the home is
jeopardizing the children, she may make a more serious claim. She may
charge you with committing an act of physical or emotional "abuse"
against her or the children. Under the state's domestic violence
statue, she will not have to prove that you actually abused anyone;
she will only have to "make averments sufficient to indicate" that
you did. She will not even have to notify you that she has accused
you. She can simply go to court "ex parte," without you or your
lawyer to defend you, and get an "emergency" order of protection to
evict you. You will be summarily evicted from your home without a
hearing on your wife's accusation that you're an abuser." That's just
one paragraph from Jed Abraham's new book, From
Courtship to Courtroom: What divorce law is doing to
marriage. If you're planning to get married, read this book. If
you're married, read this book. If you're "happily married" read this
book. Most women, once they've made the decision to get a divorce,
don't offer any more chances. It's over. And they've been thinking
about it, and talking to their friends about it, and most to a lawyer
before you have a hint of what's going on. There are over a million
divorces a year. There are over 3,000,000 charges of child abuse a
year, 2,000,000 of which get thrown out for lack of merit. Most of
those are in a divorce situation. And, those men who have survived
the false charges, have lost not only their family, but their friends
and often times their job. The stigma never goes away. And, while
false allegations are incredible child abuse, seldom is any action
taken on the court's part against the person falsely making those
accusations. In fact, in many status, the definition of "domestic
violence" only define a scenario of the man as abuser, the woman as
victim. You can shrug this all off and say it won't happen to me.
And, it may not, if you're a gambler. But the odds aren't in your
favor, if you're a man.

Marriage Loses Popularity Around the
World

Black Men reports that in the U.S., where marriage is at the
lowest point in recorded history, there are almost 43 million single
women. That's why Y&R's Brand Futures Group (an advertising
agency) predicts an increase in women-targeted soft-core pornography
and escort services and perhaps even a rise in "sex exploration"
parties, a more safety-conscious variation on the orgies of the '60s
and '70s. By age 30, only 1% of Chinese women are unmarried, compared
with 15 percent of Western women at age 40. (The Economist). By 2011,
the majority of British adults will be unmarried (Reuters). By early
in this century, an estimated 50% of the U.S. children will live
apart from their biological fathers. (American Coalition for Fathers
and Children). The combined findings of numerous studies in Europe
and the U.S. point to a 50% decline in human sperm counts since the
late 1930s. (Associated Press). And, globally, 38% of all pregnancies
are unplanned. (Alan Guttmacaher Institute (MSNBC).

When Marriage Is a Pain: Happiness and
Healing

In the past decade, various researchers have published studies which
they say prove that married people are, on average, happier and
healthier than single people. This is easily explained by the fact
that these researchers never called me when I was married so I could
set them straight.

Although I am divorced, I often surprise people when I tell them I
do believe that marriage can be a great thing. For example, I think
my parents have a good marriage (and not just because it produced
me). I see how the affection and companionship between them sustains
and nurtures them; it's tender and dear, and I hope to have something
that wonderful when I am their age.

Because I do believe in marriage, I always check out the newest
studies, and finally one has come along that proves what I've known
all along: A good marriage can heal you, and a bad one can hurt
you.

Fiendishly clever researcher Janice K. Kiecolt-Gaser of the
Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research at Ohio State University,
along with her husband and fellow researcher Ronald Glaser, created a
research model to determine how couples interact with each other, and
how that affects their health.

Here's what happened to those who agreed to spend the evening with
Janice and Ronald. On two occasions two months apart, each of 42
married couples were admitted to the hospital for a 24-hour testing
period -- which right from the start is nobody's idea of a "romantic
getaway."

In the elegant fluorescent hospital lighting (perhaps over a
lovely dinner of cold meatloaf, gray green beans and a Jell-O cup,
undoubtedly accompanied by a small carton of a fairly recent vintage
of skim milk), the couples were asked to engage in two 10-minute
supportive discussions regarding something each spouse wanted to
change about him- or herself.

I assume that when they fostered "supportive discussions," they
encouraged the kind of passive-aggressive conversations long-term
couples often have in marriage counseling offices, such as "The thing
I'd like to improve about myself is to have more understanding about
your lack of sensitivity in never remembering to put the toilet seat
down in the middle of the night, like last Thursday when I fell in
and threw my back out." Naturally, supportive discussion then
ensues.

So that was the first evening they spent with Ronald and Janice.
When they went back a couple of months later, things were very
different indeed. On the next cozy hospital "getaway," Ronald and
Janice skipped the whole supportive thing and forced the couples to
switch topics to the all-time marital hit parade topics of money, or
in-laws, or subjects specifically selected to spark an argument.

Our adorable wedlock research duo did not bother to serve even one
measly cocktail before the emotional games began, which is where Ron
and Jan manage to get on my last nerve.

Both the positive and negative sessions were videotaped by Ron and
Jan, and then (they claim) meticulously analyzed for "evidence of
hostility." I'll bet that cheapskates Ron and Jan had plenty of
relaxing refreshments on hand for themselves during this part of the
process.

As if being Ron and Jan's personal home game of Punk'd weren't
pain enough, the study couples were -- and I am not even kidding
about this -- wounded, literally, by their hosts before the staged
conversations. I'll spare you the details.

Anyway, without getting into all the "scientific data" that Ron
and Jan cited in order to keep up this sick gamesmanship they insist
on calling research, let me just cut to the chase and say that their
brilliant conclusion was that if your spouse is mean to you, you
don't heal as quickly.

Apparently, according to their study, Ron and Jan found that
highly hostile couples experienced healing rates only 60 percent of
those experienced by less hostile spouses. I'm sure we're all
thrilled that thousands of research dollars were spent revealing this
particular great discovery.

And while it's not in the formal document the couple published in
the Archives of General Psychiatry, I'm going to go ahead and hazard
a guess that fully 100 percent of the observed couples agreed that,
however they felt about each other by the end of the study, they were
at least grateful not to be married to Ron or Jan.

So, though my happily married mother is not published in any fancy
academic journals (and furthermore she is a lovely and gifted hostess
who would never expect people to have a conversation of any kind,
either supportive or negative, without a bountiful spread of food and
drink), she long ago came up with similar findings to Ron and Jan
about marriage. She revealed her results to me when advising me on
the wisdom of staying married to someone who often spoke harshly to
me in front of others.

My mother (who has received no grant funding of any kind and has
never physically wounded anyone) said: "Your husband is the one
person in the whole world you should be able to count on to be nice
to you. If he's mean to you, it's bad for your health and you're
better off alone."

A New York magazine article entitled "The New Monogamy" states that
marriages are becoming more and more open. The thinking is that
agreed-upon "cheating" will ward off the urge to stray further. In
this view, as long as each spouse "sluts around" (their words, not
ours) within the boundaries deemed acceptable by both parties (rules
range from just kissing to engaging in full-blown orgies), they
aren't actually cheating. Sure, it sounds pretty crazy. But let's
just go with it for now, keeping in mind how unnatural forsaking all
others can feel to some in committed relationships -- and how
striving for true monogamy can outright ruin some relationships. So,
provided the rules of engagement are mutually agreed upon, is the
open approach reasonable? We asked our Love Council to weigh in.

Dan CroninWhy Are These People Together to Begin
With?"

I think there's something really interesting and healthy about
people who want to redefine the boundaries of a relationship so that
they are more likely to stay within those boundaries. These people
are taking into consideration the evolutionary view that we're a
bunch of horn dogs, the practical view that most marriages end in
divorce and the emotional view that deceiving someone you love really
sucks.

But there's a description in that article of a woman returning
home to find her boyfriend in the bathtub with another woman -- and
thinking nothing of it -- that gave me pause. It made me wonder why
these people are together to begin with. This woman's impassive
response to what for most people would warrant a dish-throwing
blowout makes me wonder what emotions could have surfaced under even
slightly different circumstances. What if this woman was feeling
depressed? Had a bad day? "Honey, I'll be right out -- just after I'm
done scrubbing the back of this chick I met at the Arcade Fire
concert." I don't think so.

Sure, old monogamy has its problems. But I still think it's better
than the new one, if you can make it work.

Cathi: We already know that monogamous marriage is far from a
raging success in this country. In my opinion, if some couples want
to try veering slightly from the contract by creating their own
rules, more power to them. I commend their courage in thinking deeply
about marriage and its shortcomings, and for having the creativity
and guts to adjust it to fit their mutual needs.

The catch, of course, is that this undermines one of the major
reasons people marry -- for security. And though security doesn't do
much for passion, it's also a huge reason people stay together "till
death do us part." Part of committing to someone else is knowing that
person will be there for you through thick and thin, in sickness and
in health, and if your "thin" or "sick" happens to come when your
partner is out "slutting around" with someone else -- or vice-versa
-- I would think it would be very hard not to feel hurt or betrayed.
I've actually suggested open marriage to Dan more than once, though I
have to admit I'm always a teensy bit relieved when he says no
freakin' way.

Dan: You have to remember that just because it's all above board
doesn't mean it's trouble free. I know a couple with an open
marriage, and they're happily together. But I do know they struggled
with jealousy and worked very hard to compartmentalize their
feelings.

I believe that all human beings are hard-wired to feel jealous,
and it's an emotion you'll likely have to learn to manage -- not
ignore or sidestep -- if you decide to open up your relationship to
others.

Dr. Sarah Stedman "This Concept Is Frightening!"

This question made me wonder if I am just an old-fashioned,
socially programmed sexual Neanderthal. But the truth is that I have
a system of spiritual values for human dignity that I stand by, and
this phenomenon called "the new monogamy" flies in the face of every
quality I consider to be essential to the success of a long-term
relationship: commitment, mutual respect and the spiritual
celebration inherent in two people building a life together. This new
version of monogamy sounds like a glorified excuse for
self-indulgent, irresponsible behavior, and my suspicion is that
there are a lot of younger people out there who are just as
frightened by that concept as I am. So if the so-called new monogamy
sounds like a clever way of having your cake and eating it too, it
probably is. Monogamy is a choice. It doesn't come naturally and
sometimes it requires negotiation between partners. But the fact
remains that in the end you can either have that cake or you can eat
it, but you simply can't have it both ways.

Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW "Managed Monogamy? Oxymoron"

You have got to be kidding. I've been a marriage therapist for
nearly 30 years and I've yet to witness even one open marriage work.
Setting morality or the dangers of STDs aside, this idea of managed
monogamy -- talk about an oxymoron -- is a disaster waiting to
happen. Even if spouses have good intentions and believe they've
agreed upon fair rules for fooling around, all bets are off once they
open Pandora's box. The promise of pleasurable, kinky, extraordinary
sex has a funny way of enticing people to behave in ways --
especially toward their spouses -- that they might not ordinarily.
And when they do, jealousy sets in. One spouse wants to call the deal
off and the other is too busy getting turned on to care. So, although
old-fashioned monogamy may be a far-from-perfect solution for more
adventurous couples, it's still, by far, the best one we've got.

Dr. Ruth "There's No Acceptable Percentage of Risk"

Because I'm a sex therapist, I see the people who have problems,
and that probably slants my view in a predictable direction. But boy,
do I see problems when couples have been having sex with other people
-- even when both parties initially consented to the idea. Two
happily married people might think that their relationship can
survive introducing other partners into the mix. But when one partner
gets jealous, then the damage done to the relationship is often
irreparable.

As long as relationships exist, there will always be arguments that
coincide. These fights will usually go on for an extended period of
time until one person decides to shamefully admit defeat, even though
they knew deep down that they were right. Now with TheFairFight.com,
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* * *

The average cost of a wedding in American is around $28,000. -
Dave Ramsey

It is not from reason and prudence that people marry, but from
inclination. - Samuel Johnson.

It is said that marraige is an attempt to change a night owl into
a homing pigeon. Why is it then that in choosing among marraige,
children and career, 49% of women and 73% of men would prefer all
three?

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning
to see an imperfect person perfectly. - Sam Kenn

The primary reason for the high rate of divorce is the high rate
of marriages.

A toast to marriage: It's why we build bars. - Gaylon "The
Cheif" from Battlestar Gallactica