Oh woe, winter is creeping its spindly little lonesome arms around our muffin-tops, and some of us don’t have anyone to curl up with on these cold, cold nights. Dr. Lisa laid out the ground rules for getting laid if you’re a smart, attractive, independent young Brooklyn woman, but what if you’re wallowing in Bushwick-only sorrow and can’t afford a Metrocard?

Well, we took an informal poll at the Bushwick Daily office, and a strong contingent formed: Tandem Bar is the place to warm your butterscotch bosom, and Wreck Room is where you’ll undoubtedly find late night trouble of the best kind.

But that leaves just one question: Where to get breakfast the next morning?

Tandem practically shimmers with lust and lusciousness. The woodsiness, the colorful colors, the scrumptious cocktails, the chatty and approachable bar staff - it all makes you feel a little too at home.

Probability of getting laid: 68%

Attractiveness of the crowd: 55%

Weirdos to scare you shitless the next morning: 37%

Possible breakfast option: After the deed is done, you lovebirds can brush off that residual shame and head back to the scene of the crime for a delicious late afternoon brunch. Their Eggs Strata is divine, and they offer two different Bloody Mary's: one with beet-infused vodka and one normal. The perfect opportunity to remind yourself of your naughty bedfellow's name...and then promptly forget it again.

Welp, Wreck Room. Shit gets crazy over there. It's dark and weird and the nightlife always takes a turn for the unsavory right when you need it to. Wreck Room is not a bar made for bar hopping; it's a bar made for settling in, doing some stationary drinking, and really getting to know your fellow alcoholics.

Probability of getting laid: 89%

Attractiveness of the crowd: 25%

Weirdos to scare you shitless the next morning: 77%

Possible breakfast option: When the dawn waddles in, bearing hangovers and confusion, you're going to need something nearby to get yourself back in shape. And everyone knows the best cure for twelve hours of drug-fueled debauchery is eggs. Hit up 983 Bushwick Living Room for their hearty vegan rancheros and a tall White Lady - their signature cocktail made with egg whites.

As Mr. Morellet affirmed this past weekend in the Times, Bossa Nova keeps you young and sexy and gentrifying. Hit the dance floor, shake yourself free of hang-ups, guzzle down a few flamingos, and soon, you’ll be getting freaky frisky with another tropically-minded Bushwickian.

Probability of getting laid: 69%

Attractiveness of the crowd: 87%

Weirdos to scare you shitless the next morning: 27%

Possible breakfast option: And when the crispy morning sun puckers open your still-drunk sockets, stumble into Bizarre for a new French-y breakfast that'll take the edge off your wicked, shameful, promiscuous hangover.

First off, they have a pool table. So, you know, there's a great opportunity to remind a stellar, dorky dude that he deserves someone as fun and foxy and free as yourself. Second off, they've got a dirt cheap beer and shot deal. So, you know, there's a great opportunity to get trashed.

Probability of getting laid: 59%

Attractiveness of the crowd: 41%

Weirdos to scare you shitless the next morning: 78%

Possible breakfast option: You can trade PBRs for mimosas the next day at Verde Coal Oven just a few blocks away. So, you know, there's a great opportunity to debate the finer points of comic book culture with someone who's seen Batman movies other than The Dark Knight.

Cobra Club is that guilty pleasure of a bar that you know is not good for you, but you keep going back for more. Nights at this yoga studio cum biker bar typically consist of off-key (but awesome!) karaoke in the back room, conversations ranging from the existential to the moronic on the smoking patio, and most likely end with a proposition from a willing (and bearded, tatted, and pierced) compatriot walking you home, or at least dropping his trousers in the middle of the patio to show you the most amazing tattoo on his upper thigh.

Probability of getting laid: 62%

Attractiveness of the crowd: 50%

Weirdos to scare you shitless the next morning: 50%

Possible breakfast option: Luckily for you, Northeast Kingdom is just down Wyckoff and sure to offer a foraged and farm-fresh start to the day after a night of pints and smokes.

So there you have it: the sexiest bars in Bushwick! Send your wildest, craziest, Bushwick-based hook-up confessionals to francesATbushwickdaily.com and we’ll publish them (anonymously, of course!) in an upcoming Bushwick bar life tell-all. #Sex