❧HISTORY: Julius Caesar walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” says the bartender. Caesar replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for a double.”

❧PSYCHOLOGY: Pavlov walks into a bar. Just as he sits down, his phone rings, and Pavlov says, “Oh crap! I forgot to feed the dogs.”

❧MATH: An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the fourth can speak, the bartender puts two beers on the bar and says, “You guys need to know your limits.”

❧PHILOSOPHY: René Descartes walks into a bar and has a drink. When the bartender asks if he’ll have another, Descartes says “I think not,” and disappears.

❧MUSIC: C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve minors.” So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat.

❧PHYSICS: Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar…and doesn’t.

❧CHEMISTRY: Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have a glass of H2O.” The second one says, “I’ll have a glass of water.” The first scientist fumes silently, angry that his assassination plot has failed.

❧FILM STUDIES: Into a bar Yoda walked.

❧PRE-MED: A cardiologist walks into Dick’s Bar and orders an almond daiquiri. Dick is out of almonds, so he substitutes hickory nuts. The cardiologist tastes the drink and asks, “Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?” and Dick replies, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”

❧EVERY STUDENT WORKING ON A TERM PAPER: Jimmy Wales walks into a bar [citation needed].

NOTE: Readers are welcome to add their own bar jokes in the comments section, provided that they a) relate to an academic discipline; b) are in good taste and suitable for a PG-rated site; and c) are are short, sweet, and to the point (nothing long and rambling, please). Any jokes that do not meet these criteria will be deleted by the dean and the student responsible will receive a failing grade for the term.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 10th, 2018 at 9:03 am and is filed under circus of life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
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Most of these cracked me up immediately (Catholic school education and read alot of books), and the only ones I am a little blank on is H2O (best guess: form matters in gas and matter), and the last line of the music one is more punny than precise like the previous bits, so I say okay and shrug. I do not know Jimmy Wales.

Jimmy Wales is the founder of Wikipedia, which a lot of people (not just students) use when doing research. “[citation needed]” appears frequently on Wikipedia as a request for verification of a statement made in an article.

I had to look up the hydrogen peroxide one, because I wasn’t aware that it could kill you. Turns out the stuff you can buy off the shelf is seriously diluted with water. Pure H2O2 is something you definitely don’t want to ingest.

Statistics: Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” The barman pulls out just two beers. The mathematicians are all like, “That’s all you’re giving us? How drunk do you expect us to get on that?” The bartender says, “Come on guys. Know your limits.”

As a precious student of Latin, I appreciated the history joke. As a prospective math major, I have a soft spot for math jokes. Yours about limits reminds me of one I’ve read before about a mathematician and an engineer that go into a bar and see a beautiful woman. The mathematician figures that if he moves 1/2 of distance to the woman, then half of that distance, and so on, he’ll never reach her. “It’s impossible,” he tells the engineer. The engineer, undeterred, declares, “It’ll be close enough for all practical purposes!”