Dealing With Arguments That Wreck Relationships

Forward this on to anyone you know who is in a relationship and could use a pick me up.

We’ve had so many emails in recently from people asking me to do a few videos for people in relationships.

If you’re seeing a guy or you’re in a relationship right now, I want to share something that can make your relationship even more special.

Today’s tip revolves around arguments…

Arguments are always seen as negative, and people often assume that in the early stages of a relationship arguments are a sign of things coming to an end.

Let’s imagine for a second that you’re with your guy and the two of you start arguing.

Immediately emotion comes in that says, “I need to win this argument”. This might be caused by pride, stubbornness and insecurity, and today I want to make sure that we argue from a more mature place (I’ve been guilty of this wanting to ‘win’ myself, which is why I know the topic so well!).

Remember that there’s a difference between winning in an argument, and winning in a relationship.

I want to make sure that you win in the relationship.

The argument is just a battle; the relationship is the war.

Next time you’re in an argument, there are two words that I want you to remember:

I Understand

Sounds obvious – the key to relationships is understanding. But it’s true. When you get to the head of an argument, showing that you understand someone is THE KEY.

You might not agree with someone’s reaction to a situation, but you can acknowledge where their feelings have come from that have lead to their reaction.

Imagine that you’ve done something that’s caused him to feel jealous and to come over and shout at you. You’re annoyed because you feel like he had no right to start shouting at you.

Now, you can disagree with his reaction to shout at you, but try to understand and acknowledge the feeling that the shouting came from.

When you’re empathetic and understand the feeling, people will very often show that they’re sorry and you’ll diffuse an argument.

I want to make our default response to someone’s anger to try and figure out why someone is feeling a certain way before you retaliate. Going on the attack is where you can do serious damage to a relationship.

You’re a team, you want to help each other, and the easiest way to do that is to show that you understand.

Question of the day

I read an article on the Huffington Post recently that couples that argue once a week stand a better chance of staying together. Do you agree with this? Can arguments be a good thing?

Let me know in the comments below. I read every single one, and I’m going to do my best to reply.

See you soon!

###

Want more like this?

In my programme The Man Myth I have a whole module dedicated to the male mind. In it you will learn a better way of dealing with jealousy, the kind of game playing that destroys relationships, and how to ‘pre-frame’ a guy’s behaviour before you even get into a relationship. Click here to learn more.

I truly believe that any relationship has its ups and downs it’s when you feel like you can’t be bothered to argue that you really truly have problems which for me ended in divorce bacause we stopped caring

hay Matt,
First of all can I just say that you are, as you know, an incredibly attractive man on both the inside and the out.
I have been following you for sometime, love the blogs, and jamesons work as I’m learning so much.
Some of it I intuitively knew however you have bought into my knowledge. So thank you.
Recently separated from my husband of 13 years… I feel arguements are not needed … I feel if both partners are able to communicate how they feel the act of arguing can be damaging!
Having said that if both are feeling angry … Talking about negative feelings may cause that argument …. And it’s how the couple respect, understand and move on in the relationship that counts. Plus having children the act of arguing may damage their ability to communicate negative feelings.
So the article has weight …. Talking and communicating I feel is key … If it takes an argument to get that out in the relationship then it’s positive … At the same time there are more effective ways to say how you feel…. You agree Matt ?
Sarah xxxx

Yes having arguments are healthy
and NO
I do understand that having arguments in a relationship is good because we’re only getting to know that person better but I don’t think it should be every week. I much rather prefer maybe every 3 weeks to a month…

Hi Matt,
I find this an incredibly difficult subject!!! I will avoid an argument like my life depends on it, I think in my case it’s because I find them so painful and frightening. I would rather discuss things rationally after things have calmed down. It’s then much easier to understand each other and unravel the problem. What do you think?

would like to have more on this , has am in new reaship been following your utube on the dating ,and stuck to what you said it has worked so far. my fears now again get in the way also i don’t want old patterns coming back in . he pulled away for few weeks but is back on the seen has i took step back but told him my concerns at time .then gave him space . so would be good to have like the next step on things. keep grounded . also like to see on dating someone who is widower , has that is what doing , it been 2 years since his wife pass and he carry’s guilt ect how do i support and help but also put my feelings in this to . he on the list for couciling we have talk bits about this. but i dont push it to much either. enjoy your videos btw thank you kez xx

Well i agree entirely with you, i learned to see my partner’s perspective and respect it. But with us this is not enough, even if i understand him the only way to end the argue is: ignore, walk away or just leave it! It’s not the best choices,but at least we don’t escalate to a fight. This topic is very hard!

You really do make a Good Point Here – the words “I understand” can be very powerful as I experienced. It also Helps to Repeat the partner’s Point of view with your own words, no matter whom you’re fighting with.
Nevertheless when it Comes to Arguments in a relationship, my experience was that in the best relationship I had so far, we rarely ever fought. Which is Quite a Strange Thing because we weren’t equal personalities, nor boring, nor afraid of confrontation. We had a close and powerful Connection and a dedicated Team. And although he didn’t turn Out to be the man of my dreams, I Would still wish my Future relationships to be similar in that Point. Now, what do you think? If Not-arguing Comes naturally, is it a Good Thing?
Best wishes ;) Vanessa

I can relate to your comment. I had a great long term relationship with a wonderful man, and similarly, we rarely fought. We were together 7 years. And I am also not afraid of confrontation, neither is he. We remain good friends to this day, 3 years later. The thing I would ask is, if you never fight, is there really enough passion in the relationship to sustain it? I don’t mean knock down drag out screaming matches.. But rather, if you’re passionately in love with someone, then I think it’s healthy to communicate about your issues, as comly as possible, often. I found upon reflection after my breakup, that one of the reasons we never fought was that even if he did something that bothered me, I just wasn’t as in love with him as I had felt at the time. To over simplify, my subconscious mind was just telling me, this relationship is not worth “fighting for”. I also believe that is why we’ve been able to remain good friends. I’m not saying that was the case in your relationship. Everyone is different. But I think if it’s the “one” you will face conflicts, you will not agree on everything. But harboring resentments causes constant bickering and eventually blow out fights! Communicating your concerns in a blameless manner, as they arrise, eliminates the need to fight and makes the tone of the relationship positive. Now, if I could just find the guy mature enough to have a relationship with this level of communication with I’d be set:) ~K

I think it totally depends on the nature of the arguments. In my last relationship I could never talk to the guy, because every time I voiced an opinion about something, it would start a big conflict that ended in tears. Always my tears, never his. So the Huffington Post’s generalization wasn’t true for me. But then again, I know a guy who argued a lot with his girlfriend in the beginning, but now they barely ever fight. They’ve been together 12 years, and are engaged. So, I think it depends on the people, their willingness to listen, and how much they care about their partner. If you really value someone, you’re willing to stick through the fight and solve problems because you want to make them happy. You want to please them, do better for them, etc.

I’ve learned that one must speak up about issues and many times, they turn into arguments. I think one must pick our battles. I think it is okay to disagree but I’ve learned that if one makes an attempt to listen to the other person, and argue in a civilized manner without screaming or insulting or offending each other, the arguments can actually be good. When I argue with my boyfriend, I think of it as if it were a business meeting. I listen, I voice my opinion, and my focus is to find a solution or at least a happy medium. This has worked much better than back in the day when I all I wanted was to be right and win the arguments. I have more peace now. :)

I think I used to be more careless with arguing with my mate(s) and not choose my battles as wisely. Nowadays, I am way more mature and know it is not really worth it to fight over most things. When I do disagree with something strongly I state that I disagree without getting overly dramatic while keeping my head on straight and I think my guy respects me so much for that.

sometimes its only way to make him see how i feel.its not argument on my side but he turns it into one and says why do u say that so to be honest its the one that is wrong who makes it an argument.trying to get a point across and ends up in argument is just silly .

I think they can be a good thing if you use to make yourselves stronger as a couple- I just got married 2 months ago and my husband and I have been arguing quite a lot but everytime we argue we say to each other ok so now that we got past this- for next time were going to try to deal with this this and this way.. So if you argue but fix it and try to prevent it I think it’s okay, if you argue and be passive about it I think tht will build up a lot of resentment and it can ruin something good

I believe that the term “argument” needs to be better defined here. I personally think a disagreement over a mature issue can lead to a perfectly healthy relationship because it creates room for debate and discussion. You are able to better and more fully understand the other person. When you simply agree with someone all the time about everything, I find it quite boring. It’s nice and all to be with someone that agrees with me, but being with someone that has a differing opinion than myself allows me insight into other cultural views, morals, beliefs, etc. I feel like a more whole person when I am able to have a civilized conversation in which I am truly listening to someone with a differing opinion than me, even if I do not agree with them on those opinions.

i don’t thing arguments once a week can lead to anything good – however a recognized difference in opinion can…..if both “parties” can recognize the difference on each other’s behalf…. than yeah it can be a good thing……. if they are both open minded

I think having arguments in the start of a relationship is a good Thing because you can talk it out with eachother and than you know eachother better i think ;)
Because if you have later problems it’s harder to talk it out with eachother because you have kids you are married it depends on any situation i think.
But and Maybe work comes within and sometimes you Dont have time to talk it out and in a start of a relationship you can see if it works beteren you and eachother.
It’s better to talk it out first than you never did before.
I see it with my parents now they gonna divorce Maybe but we dont know how i turns out they are on relationtherapt now. But i’m. Gonna stay strong whatever happens.

Thanks Matthew you are the best man in the whole wide world That i could wish for. <3 lovely Greetz Thirza A15 YEAR old girl from the Netherlands ;)

It depends on the relationship. Some couples can work things out without arguing; for others if they don’t confront each other now and then, resentment just builds up under the surface and causes serious problems later.

Argument and discussion, fine, but an angry exchange over a violation of standards is much more damaging. I agree with Charlotte August 6th. Men are often more emotional than women and yes, as someonelse pointed out,expect us top be all sweet and gentle. Unfortunately, I confess, I have had to resort to fake tears to get any understanding. That was hard for my pride…and it felt like a sham thing to do in a relationship, which it is. But as someone else asked is it better to be alone?….yeah yeah I know…. better to be on your own than in a destrucive relationship. But there are degrees of difficulty. I think the thing is…Both parties want to resolve a situation…not just one of you.

No, I don’t think it’s a good thing. You can say that arguing show that you’re passionate or really care but I honestly think it shows the opposite. If you really care why bother arguing over something small. Let it go. If it’s a big issue then you or your partner should be able voice this issue in a calm and mature manner without it escalating into an argument.

argument is a good thing but it should be in a ligical way like some people are just talking and screaming and they want to proove they’re right even they’re not they don’t give the other one the chance of talking or defending their point of view and this thing is really really bad and if u ahve such a partner for me it’s better to break up

I think arguments can be a good thing as long as it leads to a resolution. I’ve been in relationships where there weren’t resolutions so the next argument included all the past arguments. When I get into an argument, I try to stop and think that this is what makes each of us individuals…having our own points of view. I’ve learned that a person’s feelings are never wrong…they are their feelings whether I agree with them are not.

Greetings Matthew,
Thanks for all your dating tips and relationship advise. So exciting to learn new ways of being happy in life. Ok, my answer to Matthew’s question of the day. Yes, I agree. If a couple discuss how they really feel on a weekly basis they have a better than average chance of growing together towards whatever goals they choose for the relationship. (Being a happy couple) I like to think it’s important to be respectful and listen as well as be heard, and understood, if that’s arguing fine. My fear says, “Are there men who will listen and be respectful in an argument?” I know it’s my story. Prove me wrong I’m okay with that…show me the men who do this….Yippee.

Yes, the main hurdle I have faced in conflict in relationships is that I am not heard or understood. I will give empathy, understanding and emotional support but not find it reciprocated. I have a feeling this is the more common complaint with women. We give a lot in this way but are not given much back.

What happens is, at certain point you have to assert your needs; you cannot be understanding to the point of tolerating and condoning behaviors or words or attitudes which dont show respect for you. There has to be a way to address when someone has violated or ignored your needs. Too often men don’t try to understand and will invalidate the woman as overly emotional or demanding, despite having their similar emotional expressions validated by the woman previously. I find men as much if not more emotional with women, and they want you to be all sweet and gentle with THEIR feelings but will be dismissive of, uncomfortable with, and/or irritated with a woman’s feelings.

This double standard with men bothers me and I don’t know how to work with it.

Great blog! Debate is healthier whereas argument can be damaging in a romantic relationship, especially so for a new one! It’s all in “the delivery” expressing disagreement but the tones come across as more acceptable & understandable.

If were are describing argument as a difference in opinion for a debate then I believe that it should take place in a relationship. I believe that to be true in any relationship. Whether it’s with a partner or a friend. It makes me think about the relationship I have with my sister, she is my best friend and we honestly have an argument if not once a week then every other week and I can say that or relationship is even better because of it. I allow her to express her feelings and thoughts about situation that we may not see eye to eye on or the way we reacted, our behavior wasn’t what we expected or didn’t live up to the standard that we have in our relationship not just as best friends but as sisters. And at the end of our argument/debate we better understand each other and can more forward now know that standards that are required for the relationship. So I think that see the could be a healthy addition to any relationship

I don`t think that is true. I think argue isn`t necessary in relationship where both people can talk together about thinks that upsets/worry them. After all, relationship is about sharing part of life together- if two people are able to be open to each other of regular basis, then there will be nothing to cumulate to create argue.
Besides, I think lot of people live with a lot of insecurities so when their partner doesn`t agree with them- insecurities surface and they see that disagreement as an attack- instead of different opinion -and argue is ready. I think if we drop our ego and see and respect our partner as a separate being with its own view on the world that sometimes can differ from ours, and give this same respect to partner`s point of view as we would like him to respect ours- then we can discuss a problem and reach an agreement instead of arguing about it.

I just met a new guy recently but we were introduced to one another by my moms boyfriend. this new guy works with him. He thought we might hit it off and via text on his phone exchanged pics and then new guy have me his # through my moms boyfriend. I called him and we met up a couple of days later. This was last week so it’s all new but I think we really hit it off. Hope to see him soon! Before him I met a guy online-that scene is not for me. Before that it was a year ago I lived in Georgia and I was doing a lot of TV movie extra work and I met a few guys on set. When you are in holding to go on set for a scene sometimes there are long waits and it’s a great time to get to know people. A few of the guys I didn’t like the same way and one we did. We met up for drinks and hung out once and then we had a lot of mid communication so I stopped seeing him for many reasons. So there are a couple if examples :-)

The healthiness of arguing in a relationship depends on the people involved. Most people this is just a part of their personality. I believe it is not right to suppress themselves as long as it does not hurt others. The issue with stating ALL relationships are better with arguments are some people can’t. As a part of who I am, I have a huge difficultly feeling anger. Just because I am incapable of arguing then I can’t have a healthy relationship?

Yes, arguments can be a good thing and I think they should happen in a relationship. If there is never an argument in the relationship, I question the relationship itself. I think there must be someone in there that is giving in all of the time, maybe not feeling worthy to get up for his/her views or something else. And I do believe to be truly yourself in a relationship, it just is natural that there will be moments where you ‘clash’ with the other. It’s how you deal with it, that makes or breaks the relationship from that point forward.
I think arguments can benefit a relationship. It will make clear what the other person is thinking and feeling and that allows the relationship between the two to grow. IF handled correctly ofcourse.
It’s never nice to be in an argument, but it will help you understand the other, and even understand yourself.

Hi Matt, loved the new blog I strongly believe that arguing does help in a relationship.It gives you a chance to hear your partner’s concerns and hopefully time to reflect on the issue at hand.I’ve learned from experience that Listening is key even in an argument!Then you can Rebuttle in the right frame of mind. Like you said it’s not about winning the argument,it’s about Understanding.

i agree because they say what bothers and it’s better than holding everything inside themselfs and eventualy one of them will explose and it will kill they’re relationship.
thats why i think that it’s always better to talk and always express yourself and not hold it :)

Well it depends…it can help make a relationship stronger and it can definitely help it grow IF both parties talk it out and not scream and shout at each other. I have a great guy who respects me and when we fight (which happens rarely) and then talk it out it definitely takes the relationship to a whole new better level. And in all cases its just been a misunderstanding! If both parties just stop and listen they will learn how to communicate with one another. Relationships are not perfect at all .. but if there is Constant fighting then its not a healthy relationship and they’re not compatible with one another. It means time to move on!!

Honestly, arguing can be beneficial to help understand where the other person is coming from. However, too much arguing can cause havoc to the relationship. I’ve dated a guy that I would argue with on a daily basis and it wasn’t healthy. We would argue over the littlest of things, and mean things were said. We didn’t see eye to eye on anything. Thing is too many arguments can be a sign that the two people have very different morals on things. Each time an argument comes up, if there’s name calling, shouting, etc then its disrespect. And it’s so important to have respect for each other in order to be a team.

Thanks Matt,
for discussing this topic.
Arguments can help to get to know each other better, to see where ones vulnerabilities lie.
When partners argue it’s important to look at the topic that’s argued about and not to take this as an occasion to play the ‘blame game’, or what you you so correctly described the battle-ground of who wins over whom.

I am sorry to say this, yet the competitive mind of most men doesn’t allow for much space to take it a notch higher where they would literally be able to see the dynamics of emotions in play and refrain from ‘wanting to win’.

Most men rather destroy their woman and keep on hurting her because it makes them feel in control; a false belief of mastering that relationship, in my opinion.

It is crucial for partners to possibly start to step outside of themselves and to imagine what their ‘take’ on this whole scenario would be, if they’ imagined two strangers acting out their role at this given moment and then to see what is really happening between the two. This way emotions can be accessed in a more impersonal, less ego-based manner and true understanding of the dynamics could be met.

Arguing can help to deepen a relationship in a positive sense, if both parties involved master arguing in a constructive way, rather coming from a destructive ego-mind of wanting to be right all the time.

There is no ‘right and wrong’, but hurt feelings! Once the love two people feel for each other becomes greater than the love for battle, then ‘yes’ it can be helpful to grow the relationship into a compassionate one where both people also learn about themselves as for what they are willing to let-go that’s ego based in order to dive deeper into love through compassion.

Revealing and very human way of understanding love Matthew, as always.

My name is Fran and I do love trying to define and understand how love works and why is so simply complex.

Since you have been talking about KTG or “KeepingTheGuy´´ there is something missing I´m sure you will be able to talk about. Many of my friends are in that time of life when they have finished university, have their own houses and relationships are an essential part of that circle. Some of them are in relationships with a high level of engagement, or are desperately looking for the person of their dreams. And, when it comes the time of delivering some advice I found a specific question very often. What if the perfect person is waiting for you, you really feel something but you know that you want something else?. Are we talking about denial or a trouble?

Should that person get the guy or safe the conection between a very important person and you?

I´m sure keeping things clear before jumping into the pool of love is a hot topic.

I believe arguments are a good thing. I believe fighting isn’t. In my one and only pass relationship, one of my biggest faults is I wouldn’t bring up anything that would make me unhappy, even rightfully so, after my ex had done it. I don’t like fighting, and figured he didn’t mean anything by it. But he would do it again, and again (talking to girls I wasn’t comfortable with him talking to, treating me like his house maid,so on and so on) and than I would be like a bottle pop that exploded. I would be come totally incapable of thinking rationally, and even though it was a small thing I was getting mad at him about, it was also about 18 other big things. Than we would both start fighting, taking turns defending ourselves and attacking the other one. And afterwards there were a lot of hurtful things said. Towards the end of the relationship, me even bringing up something small would cause him to verbally attack my feelings about how I was to emotional and such over these small things. I know part of it was I let him get away with anything, and didn’t draw the lines anywhere so he could do as he wished and It had very few repercussions on him, but the other part was our “early” relationship fights didn’t happen for a very long time (we dated for four years) and only after the second year did I start running into the explosive tempers. Than we wouldn’t say anything, no apologies to each other, and no acknowledgement of the actual fight and things would go back to the way they were.

I think fights are mean and hateful, they tend to break peoples hearts and few relationships will mend from those, even if they only start small. Arguments are discussion, perhaps heated, were both parties can understand where the other is coming from and respects their feelings regardless of what they think. Arguments are good, as we are all people and we all live in our own heads and can’t predict how our actions will effect someone else, but allow for communication between both parties and can sometimes come to an agreement on what to do about the situation. While fights are someone refusing to budge, perhaps both parties, and both people will end up hurt and a little bitter afterwards.

My parents have been together for 26 years and they bicker ALL THE TIME! Yet I have never heard them have a real explosion about something really important. They argue a about trivial things, discuss crucial things. I think this is interesting because one of the things I have heard is that if a couple never argues, one or both of them are compromising too much. If you disagree with your partner, why should you not tell them that you disagree? It’s good to let them know your view point as it allows them to actually see what your values are and what you’re passionate about!! You ought to be wanting to know everything about each other, even the things that get on your nerves.

I’ve heard people whose parents separated say they didn’t see it coming coz they never argued, but silence in a relationship isn’t ALWAYS golden if it means that you are holding back your opinion. Eventually it leads to resentments or even worse, causes you to lose your own identity in your partner.

What if he don´t say sorry??
I don´t think arque helps at all. I rather *Duscuss* the problem. Some guys just DONT understand (or pretend they don´t understand what´s wrong)even though you tell them what´s on your mind. Then it´s really really hard to say ” I understand” cause I really don´t in a situation like that XD which results that we can´t tell eachother about what bothers us and what makes us happy..

So arguements can be good because they help solve problems like learning you’re partner doesn’t like it when you leave dirty dishes in the sink. Other kinds of arguements can be very bad. I had a boyfriend who would compare me to othets when we got in a fight. I broke up with him over it.

Same here. I was in a relationship with a guy who compared me to his ex-girlfriend and he actually didn’t understood that he did something wrong. I think that a guy should tell me if he doesn’t like something I do or whatever other problems he feels I have or we have in the relationship he can just talk about it… BUT he should never compare me to his ex. It’s just wrong. Let’s leave the ex OUT of OUR relationship I’d say.

LOVE is suppose to be about all positive affiliations right? Therefore why
Argue? That’s a negative emotion.
At the beginning stages of any relationship, you never hear someone arguing, it’s always about being coupled up, having respect, Infatuated with their habits etc
Therefore to categorise or put this negative action as a ‘good thing’ I disagree.

Compromising is hard in a relationship. Understanding with mutual respect
Is what I thought the whole point of a relationships foundation ought to be.

Arguments are healthy but depends on the level or severity of it! Lil I said
If there’s a solid foundation arguments really shouldn’t play a massive part especially not it being once a week!

P.s- I was wondering if you were single? If not what is your take on your own question???!????????????????????

Arguements are never good for relationships. Im in a relationship that knows nothing like arguments. If there is an issue that can lead to argument, all we do is discuss it and this make our love stronger. I advice, instead of argument…….. DISCUSS it.

Arguing is not good. My ex argued all the time. I refused to argue after a period of time. I feel if two people become friends first and work into a best friend status then they will be able to discuss anything without arguing. Disagreements are ok. That is where compromise and understanding comes into the picture. You can have disagreements without arguing and the couple can have fun while doing it.

I think having arguments in the start of a relationship is a good Thing because you can talk it out with eachother and than you know eachother better i think ;)
Because if you have later problems it’s harder to talk it out with eachother because you have kids you are married it depends on any situation i think.
But and Maybe work comes within and sometimes you Dont have time to talk it out and in a start of a relationship you can see if it works beteren you and eachother.
It’s better to talk it out first than you never did before.
I see it with my parents now they gonna divorce Maybe but we dont know how i turns out they are on relationtherapt now. But i’m. Gonna stay strong whatever happens.

Thanks Matthew you are the best man in the whole wide world That i could wish for. <3 lovely Greetz Thirza A15 YEAR old girl from the Netherlands ;)

I guess it depends on the level of toxicity within an argument or why the arguments are occurring but generally, arguments bring issues to the surface that need to be resolved and can bring a couple closer if they choose to argue fairly. My Mother told me to ‘choose your battles wisely’; Looking back, I can now see how this choice has benefited their 33 year long marriage; They’re not perfect and they do have mini arguments along the way but nothing crazy.

I was in a relationship with a guy who chose to bottle things up; I was blissfully unaware that my boyfriend was starting harbouring anger and resentment until he did a Mt St Helens style eruption and our relationship was never the same after that moment. It was very hard to resolve and long list of tiny issues several months after they occurred.

I agree and I disagree. I haven’t really had a proper relationship before, however if you’re all lovey dovey all the time and don’t say your opinions then it’s just going to build up in both people and eventually they’ll be one big explosion of annoyance/anger and the relationship could end. I don’t think you should argue every week but an argument every now and again is surely healthy because you’re understanding what annoys each other and know what needs fixing in the relationship….that’s my opinion anyway :) xx

I think having arguments in the start of a relationship is a good Thing because you can talk it out with eachother and than you know eachother better i think ;)
Because if you have later problems it’s harder to talk it out with eachother because you have kids you are married it depends on any situation i think.
But and Maybe work comes within and sometimes you Dont have time to talk it out and in a start of a relationship you can see if it works beteren you and eachother.
It’s better to talk it out first than you never did before.
I see it with my parents now they gonna divorce Maybe but we dont know how i turns out they are on relationtherapt now. But i’m. Gonna stay strong whatever happens.

Thanks Matthew you are the best man in the whole wide world That i could wish for. <3 lovely Greetz Thirza A15 YEAR old girl from the Netherlands ;)

I think it is perfectly healthy to have disagreements and arguments, as long as they are dealt with rationally and both people are willing to compromise and admit it if they are wrong. However, I also feel that it is possible to have a very strong relationship without arguing regularly. The absence of a ‘weekly argument’ should be because both partners are continually communicating and coming to mutally acceptably solutions, rather than simply holding back when they have an opposing opinion.

I reckon it’s pretty equal on both sides, depending on our negativity or positivity. Arguing would help us understand our partner more, understand their feelings and understand their way of reacting; hence, getting to know them further and being able to connect more.

On the other side, arguments can definitely break a relationship– due to pride, selfishness— all that. That’s how my parents separated, they both didn’t bother to understand what the other is saying, they wanted to get their point across, to show that they’re the ‘right’ one, the ‘unjustified’. It would happen almost everyday and it doesn’t get any better. It all leads to shouting, and fighting and more of this so called ‘pride’.

100% disagree, my most recent ex and i were together for almost 6 years, it was a beautiful relationship, and we had only 2 fights in those 6 years. i think, and i’ve proved that when both parts try to really understand each other, there can’t be an argument.

however it’s very hard to carry on with the “i understad” all alone, if there’s no commitment to understanding there will be a fight, sooner or later.

i believe that, at some point, once you start fighting once a week as you said, you begin to associate the person with a bitter time.

to sum up, i believe that the argument of the “healthy-regular-fight” is rather stupid. have sex instead, it releases all tensions :)

In theory, I think that arguments would be a positive thing because if people would keep things inside themselves and keep on bottling it up, then there would probably eventually be one BIG argument that can really damage the relationship. Personally, I’ve never really had an argument, but my boyfriend and I would discuss something if it would bother us right away (or as soon as possible). However, I was wondering, is it normal for a couple to never have an argument? I’ve never had an argument in a relationship; only discussions really.

We have to remember there’s a huge difference in arguing and fighting. It’s so important to choose our words wisely!! Once things are said they can never be taken back. As human beings we are never going to agree on everything and that is ok but it is important to discuss our feelings in a mature way. I also feel everyone has their own definition of what an argument is. If things are getting heated then no I don’t think it’s healthy. Relationships are far from perfect but remember Love is patient Love is kind it is not self seeking and not quick to anger. If you make a strong effort to work on these things constantly you will see such a great difference in your relationship.
With that said I am so excited for LA 2/16 :)

Arguments are not really a grest thing especailly if children are involved in the relationship and are witnessing it. However, we are all human and make mistakes so I guess to some extent some disagreements are inevitable, in such a close relationship. I guess in some ways it shows a fiestiness and that you actually care about the other person. Apathy is a relationship killer; I guess to argue shows you think something of the other persons opinion or you would just leave or not be bothered?

Yeh apathy is a problem, and can be even more detrimental to children than watching parents argue. What they need to see is two people who are committed to working together, even if there are disagreements along the way.

In my relationship, my bf got mad that I was busy doing an overnight tv shoot, even though I told him before hand what I was doing. He didn’t tell me exactly what made him angry, so I couldn’t say that I understood why he was mad, I just acknowledged the fact that he got upset. I tried to understand why he got mad, but he wouldn’t tell me the reason and started yelling at me that I’ve lost his trust, and continued to tell me that I’m immature and an idiot, after which he ignored me. I gave him some space, apologized for making him angry, and asked him to text me when he was ready. When he did, he said that I was selfish and only thought of myself. Which confuses me because he didn’t oppose to my filming. So he didn’t exactly explain what made him mad, and I have no idea what to do because I know he’s going to want to break up, (even though during the past week he asked me to move in with him.) What do I do? I’m so confused and I feel wrongly accused of being called selfish and immature and an idiot. Help!

Three words come to mind, Tatyana: you deserve better. He said he no longer trusts you. Moving in with him won’t change that. If he’s putting you down this way and ignoring you and leaving you feeling so confused, why would it be a bad thing for the relationship to end? I know you care about him and don’t want to hurt him. It’s hard to let go. BUT: You deserve better. You deserve someone who will trust you, someone who will try to communicate in a way that is meaningful, someone who values you as an individual and will treat you with kindness and sincerity. It doesn’t sound as though that’s happening in your current relationship. Again, you deserve better.

If he wont explain to you why he is angry with you and just shout names then he is not good for you, sorry to say. That’s psychological abuse. If he doesn’t turn around and act mature I suggest you to leave him. As said in the previous reply, you deserve better than that.

In my past experience with arguments. That I found worked was to listening and try to understand how or where the person is coming from. I also try to explain to the person how I felt or what I was thinking. Usually this seemed to work. I found that it’s easier for me to get over an argument when I don’t sit and rethink it over and over again. Also sometimes I need a break from a heated conversation then come back talk it over. When I have done this I tend to be a lot more understanding about it.

In my personal point of view. I think it’s healthy to have disagreements every once in while because they make you closer and stronger in the relationship but on weekly basis I don’t think that’s healthy really.

From personal experience I know both situations. My marriage had always seemed to be fairly healthy or so it seemed. We hardly argued with each other we wouldn’t have arguments only little disputes about little things. Later on before our marriage ended we were arguing weekly. It be came very depressing. So This why I don’t agree that weekly arguments are healthy.

I agree with Carma Spence who said it’s more important to know why you’re arguing or not. I’ve been in a relationship for almost 8 years and we don’t argue that much, mainly because we’re very compatible in so many levels it makes living together very easily. But of course we do argue sometimes. One thing we don’t do is shout. We both feel that raising your voice doesn’t improve your argument. I do feel sometimes I’m too blunt and hurt his feelings to the point he just shuts down entirely for a moment. I don’t do that unless I feel very strongly about the point I’m trying to make, but I need to improve that.

Thanks for commenting Dionea! Being blunt is a great skill to have but can be damaging at the same time. Peoples egos are often fragile and you have to nurture the egos of the people you love. However, I think the fact that you can be direct is not something you should lose!

Loved the topic today!!!!! In my experience aguements in a relationship aren’t really that bad. I’ve been married for four years an with my husband for 7 years and we do are fair share of arguing. Not once a week but at least once a month or so and even tho it’s a day long process at the end of it we come out happier and more comforted that our points were made clear and we have revised the things that made us so heated to begin with. Although the process of arguing is messy in the long run it helps strengthen our relationship.

Hy everyone!
I am a pretty argumentative person, but i dont like to feel that things go out of hand…so for me a good “spicy” talk is normal, i like to see all sides and all perspectives that one can have, that keeps me interested But i dont like to feel we are at “war”. Always with respect to one another.

I can see where it can be some “truth” about arguments, i feel secure having someone on my side that has the ability to have strong believes and personality but also the maturity to recognize emotions and acts. Showing love and caring in times of distress makes me feel more human, if it touches emotions it can lead us to deeper conversations that really can change how you see the other person, so yes it can be positive. I have grown a lot by having strong people around me. My first relationship turned into friendship because he agreed with everything i said, and was too understanding. That drived me crazyyyy !
We have to keep it real!

I totally agree– but need to make a distinction here. There is a difference between an argument and a learning conversation. Learning conversations are helpful and improve situations, arguments do not.

I have to say that I just finished reading an entire book on this subject, which is one of the most helpful and non-b.s., realistic “self-improvement” books I’ve ever read; and I’ve read quite a few.

I deeply encourage you to pick it up and start reading, just to see what it is about. Honestly, you could use most of it in your relationship advice blogs.

It is called “Difficult Conversations– How to Discuss What Matters Most” by Douglas Stone, Sheila Heen, and Bruce Patton

Hello Matthew!!
Amazing topic I must say! Arguments are essential to a relationship to a certain extent, but i disagree with the last question, “Can arguments once a week make a a relationship last longer?”. In my experience, No. Having an argument discourages me and emotionally drains a person. I know this to be true because that’s exactly what I’m going through now. I guess it all comes down to how people have arguments. It’s always good to really listen and truly understand your partners feelings and acknowledge them in a disagreement. Taking it to another level is no excuse.

I think it all depends on the arguments. Sometimes not arguing at all is a good thing … it means you see eye to eye. Sometimes not arguing is the kiss of death … it means there aren’t strong emotions in the relationship. Why are you arguing? Why aren’t you arguing? The why is more important than the fact of arguing or not arguing.

I’ve been in a relationship with a great guy for a month now and we don’t argue. We get annoyed with each other once in awhile. We’ve had misunderstandings. But nothing I would categorize as an argument. And I like that … especially since I recently got out of an abusive marriage where I was being yelled at daily.

If the arguments lead to growth and getting closer, then by all means bring them on. If they lead to pushing each other away and increasing the distance, it either means you need to leave the relationship or fix it.

I do agree in the fact that healthy discussions are good but, there are times were you know ‘matter of factly’ you are the person which is right and your partner (even though you’re acting calm and being ‘understanding’ of the way they’re seeing the situation) still act out of line. I’m the kind of person that when I know 99.99% I’m right (whether a business or love relationship situation) I won’t yield, just because I know that down that road, if I don’t stand my ground greater repercussions will come from that. So I personally believe it’s a matter of both persons being grown mature understanding individuals who need to get ALL OF THE FACTS together before bursting out. If I’m a relationship were I constantly feel like I need to ‘yield’ or be the bigger person, then I just opt out. I just feel like being, as natural I think, with like minded ‘mature’ men, not boys :)

Arguments are healthy if both people use them to understand each other better, which is usually what an argument does between a good couple does. However, arguments that are part of a power struggle or used to hurt each other, it becomes toxic to the relationship.

Hi Matt,
thanks so much for such a helpful video. I´ve been following most of your posts and they have all been very insightful. THANK YOU.
After being single for almost a year, I recently started dating a somewhat younger guy. The problem is, we argue almost everyday. In the month that we´ve been together we even managed to break up 2 times already (and now are seeing if we could get back together). After the first break-up, for a while I thought we were beginning to learn about each other and were getting more skilled at solving problems, but in the end somehow we always end up arguing.
I guess the two words I UNDERSTAND can help both sides realize they are not fighting against one another but for the relationship. I will try it next time we argue and let you know how it worked!
Hana

Okay, I dno if I’m right or wrong, but with me and my ex bf we used to fight everytime we get cold, and everytime after every fight he would become the sweetest person on earth he would pamper me like crazy say I Love You all he time and keep on telling me sweet stuff about how he cant feel happy if I’m mad at him and he would go like pleaseee forgive me I’m sorry for like 100 times until I give up and smile… That made me unconsciously create a problem and become picky whenever I used to miss him being attentive… He loved me so much and I knew it, but we would fight every week almost about so many things.. and we would get back stronger everytime we make up and forgive each other.. Until last time, I felt I was always stressed and he wasnt being the way I expect my one to be.. we don’t love in the same way although our love was strong.. So I decided to leave.. because I couldnt take any more fights every time… although maybe I was becoming too sensitive and picking on every small mistake but I thought he was driving me there because he is different, and he would do and re do the same mistake several times until a sorry felt lik nothing for me anymore I started feeling like he just says sorry to get away not because he really is sorry… I still miss him now, and for several times I felt like I just wanted to go back to him especially that he is still trying until now.. But I started believing that Love isnt enough, I need someone to understand me and bring out the best of me instead of bringing out the worse..

I Really wanna Thank you Mathew because you always send very interesting emails and I can always relate to them.

If the argument is about the same thing every week, then it might not bode well for the relationship, unless it’s about pickles or something =P. Thanks for the video and pointers! I forgot the other thing I was going to say.~ x

Well the thing you did say was great : ). Recurring arguments are not good over the long term. When this happens we have to find a way to break the pattern so that it becomes impossible to keep following the “formula” that leads to that argument.

My partner and I argue frequently about the same thing… he makes off-the-cuff remarks about my weight, looks or anything that comes into his head (he doesn’t think before he says things and is always joking around). I hate criticism and get very angry, tell him that I’ve said hundreds of times that he shouldn’t say things like that as they upset me, I end up storming off or packing my bags to leave. He then tells me he doesn’t mean anything by the comments and not to take them to heart and that I’m always overreacting. I always end up staying with him as we are otherwise really good together. Would love to know how to deal with this as it may one day be the end of us and I don’t want that to happen.

I was seeing a guy over a year off and on, and his growth was really slow even after we talked and discussed what we can say, cannot say, not to hurt each other and to make our communication more construcive and to build more healthier relationship.

Very dependent, inmature guy he was though he was in his middle age, and everything incl finance is taken care by the parents. We argued every single time we met, and then after discussion it reduced down to couple of times a week but still it was not so healthy and I found it was very draining as I found he was not really changing fundamentally. In the end, I gave up and decided to move on.

It is better to find a guy with very similar core values, almost the same mental and emotional level, almost the same spiritual level. Men would not be changed and it is pure an absolute time and energy waste to deal with a guy who is less developed mentally and emotionally as it cannot avoid series of arguments.

If you cannot agree with the vey core values, then he is not the right one for you. He would not change though you try.

I agree it’s really important to find someone with the same core values. That’s why it’s so important to figure out what their values are early on so we don’t waste our time. Eliciting values is one of the most important things to be learnt in human interaction.

In my last relationship we argued so much and it was draining and we were left emotionally raw as we were both such passionate people & felt that our point was the only valid one, we on several occasions agreed to disagree but that didn’t work either, we both ended up separating and resenting each other, it was nice in beginning but a quarter of the way throughrright to the end of the 9m was a living nightmare of pure arguing :(

Hi there, great video and post as usual! As for the question, arguments are more than normal, the problem isn’t the argument itself, but how each member of the couple manage it. We tend to see arguments as a problem to solve, however if we forget about SOLVING and just focus on managing it, we can not only nourish the relationship but also end up learning more about one another! It’s kind of like criticism. Some people see it as something negative, however constructive criticism is always a plus in improving ourselves.
At least that’s my point of view on this aspect and what I’ve learned from past relationships :)

I believe arguments absolutely help relationships. No two people are going to be on the same page all the time…it’s the differences that draw us to our mates a lot of the time. If it’s a constant battle that gets progressively uglier then you need to rethink the relationship but if it’s arguing that leads to understanding and enriching the relationship, that’s a good thing.

I was married for 20 years and we rarely argued…it wasn’t healthy and it didn’t work…feelings need to come out; bottling them up causes resentment and distance between couples. I believe there is such a thing as “positive arguing”.

I believe that arguments can be healthy for a relationship, so the couple can get to know each other even better. The key is how they would end that argument in the best romantic way.

I’m in a relationship with this great guy for almost four months now, we don’t argue that much, almost never.. every time we start an argument, he changes the subject to avoid it, which got me concerned that we’re not honest enough with each other.

How can I encourage my boyfriend to open up and not to be afraid of losing me if we start arguing?

I was married to a man for 17 years and we never had a bad argument , we really loved each other and always put the other’s needs first, He was very patient but I think was always ‘bottling up’his emotions. Sometimes we tried to discuss issues but we could never resolve them and they were left ‘up in the air’ We divorced in the end……… I’m now with a completely opposite type of man. Volatile and emotional and expressive. We’ve spent weeks apart because of rows but always go back, apologise to each other and resume our loving relationshoip. We have recently been apart for 2 and a half months but missed each other and the good parts of our relationship so much that we have tried yet again. This time we did what you have talked about, Matt, Listened and tried to understand each other. We agreed that this is what we must do in future.Difficult when you actually know that the other person is wrong.We agreed that we must be more careful with what we say to each other. I remember my mother calmly saying to me ‘ You know, you don’t always have to be right’….I’m reading your book Matthew and its brilliant. Thank you so much!

I would agree and disagree.I would agree because if a couple have something to hid or some reason that is anoying about each other they can clear it up by an argument or by discussions, it is also sometimes healthy and sometimes its not. I would also disagree because it could break up a relationships if they keep at each other for every little thing and it could also affect the nervous systems if not carefull.

My opinion? Yes, arguments, done properly, are fine and necessary. As long as it’s done with a loving base, the disagreement itself can be loving. No sucker punches, no name calling, no pouting, etc. Clarity, respect and a bit of calm can make for a good heated discussion because chances are I’m not going to be in a relationship with someone who is exactly like me. There’s going to be differences with emotions attached to those differences and once the air clears after our little ‘kicking up some dirt’, I want to be able to kiss and make up with a sense of positive release.

Matthew, this is a great video–thank you. I’m looking forward to hearing about when the other person does not understand or take any responsibility for their behavior–then wonders why the relationship begins to detriorate. Could you address the man that “checks out” (leaves, ignores, runs) from dealing with issues or challenges? While it may not be the case in the majority of men in relationships, it is quite common.

Oh yes, I’d love that too. I’m always for solving things in a respectful manner, yet my latest guy went totally silent on me after I asked an inconvenient question (long distance relationship) and ignored any of my attemps to contact him ever since:( I felt terrible, but not because I asked what was important for me, but because the guy I thought was so mature (34yo)and reliable decided to end things in such irrespectful manner because of his inability to solve issues. Of course, it only shows he is not a relationship material inspite of his good looks, succesfull career, intellect and characteristics of a great friend. Its nothing but a passive agressive way of showing that there only be conversations that *he* wants.

I think that arguing can be damaging to a relationship because quiet often they are loaded with emotion and misunderstandings and that is where alot of damage is done to the relationship. I was fortunate enough to learn a conflict resolution technique at a Native American teaching weekend, where each of you ‘hear’ what the other person is saying and what their issues are. once you have been heard you come to a resolution and share a display of affection. its time consuming but much healthier and more productive. Its not too far removed from the point of understanding that you were making Matthew.

I think, that arguments are healthy for relationship. They clear up the air. I much more prefer a reasonable argument than beeing angry at someone and just be quiet, so the other person doesn’t know, what’s going on.

In my past relationships, the ones, where we were arguing (a bit, I don’t mean crazy yelling at eych other) always lasted longer. In my opinion, I’d much rather have a healthy relationship whit a few storms, than one, which seems to be perfect, but we would be confused of each others angry reaction or quitness. And because I’m quite passionate person, I get bored really quickly, when there is no action in relationship.

Excellent tip Matt. I totally agree that “understanding” is the key. But when the feeling is so strong, understanding is always surpassed. To remain calm, reflective and temperament could be best. Try to hold one’s temper, keep quiet and never reciprocate shout with a louder shout! I could not recall I had argument with my husband in public but we did one or two during our entire marriage (he passed 2 years ago) inside our house. I perfectly knew it’s me and my big mouth that started it and since he’s a very understanding husband, things went well after that…I’m so grateful for having such a husband. Couldn’t thank him enough for saving me from the snare of “words that can kill” So, for those who are dreaming for a lasting relationship, deal with arguments squarely…take the advice of the Guy Matt Hussey!

In 27 years together (he is now deceased) my husband and I never shouted at one another we had discussions. The only time things could have “got out of hand” was when his sister ran me down to him and tried to cause trouble. But he dealt with her and I just kept quiet. I never reciprocated and treated her with animosity as she did me. Quite frankly Matt on the day of his funeral she was no other word for it “evil” to me. Arguements are not good.

Important Note: While I do believe – and have seen proof – that the advice and programs I provide can help you improve your love life , please understand that not everyone will experience the exact same results. To get the best results, you must use the advice I give you. Every person is an individual and every situation is unique so no single piece of advice will work for everyone at every time.
But I can tell you that if you read the advice and continually apply it in your life, your chances of success increase dramatically.
And I’m here to help you every step of the way. Let’s get started!