Thoughts while watching Spice World

March 8, 2016

Spice World is back. No need to dig out the old VHS tape we all owned back in the day and rig up the VHS player, no no no this baby’s on Netflix! So of course I had to take a trip down memory lane and let 12 year old Frankie out for the night. Except I’m now 30 year old Frankie and I have a husband, so I brought him along for the ride. He’d never seen the film before so I had high hopes for entertaining commentary. Basically, here are thoughts we had while watching the seminal piece of cinema that is Spice World. Also, we had alcohol while watching this. Obviously.

I do not remember this technicolour business. Oh god, it’s unfamiliar already. Did I purposely black this out? Is it gonna be that bad?

OMG the 90s teasing on the hair LOOK AT IT

Opening credits are flashing up on the screen. My husband just complained that too many cool people are in this. I believe the exact quote was ,”they got good people in this, shit”.

He’s now squealing

Mel C comes on, husband yells “she’s cool!” He saw her on West End and she was very nice in person.

He’s also pro-Ginger

“The Posh one looks like my sister”. He didn’t offer opinions on Scary or Baby.

He’d just gotten over the shock of seeing Elton John when he sees Alan Cumming. “Alan Cumming is brilliant” for all those who needed an opinion.

Oh god the husband is having a traumatic flashback: “WAIT. This was on in my cinema. Some school booked it out.” Yes, my husband used to run a cinema back in the day and the state of New Zealand ‘s education system was apparently that dire. For the record, my school never did this. I had to pay full price at the cinema on the weekend like a normal person.

HEY THAT GUY WAS IN CHEERS

“Is that Victoria?” “She’s smiling, it can’t be”

Oh, what a terrible accent. I don’t even think I need to clarify who I’m talking about here. It could be anyone or everyone.

I completely forgot about the pregnant chick story-arc-plot-line-doodacky. What the fuck was this about? Why was it even needed? Who the fuck is Nicola anyway?

When was this, again? 98? For fuck sake. 18 years ago. That’s a whole person who can drink. Nicola’s baby. Nicola’s baby is now the person who can legally drink.

You should never get pregnant to a person named Trevor

OMIGOD the Spice mothers future flashback (flashforward?)

Husband starts dancing. Warns me “what happens in the living room stays in the living room”. He’s apparently forgotten that I’m a blogger. More fool him.

“That camera guy is a bit of a perv” – husband

“I can’t believe how normal Victoria Beckham looks” – husband

More Sporty Spice fangirling happening. “Girl groups are better than boy groups.” The definitive decision has been made, folks.

“That’s not Barry Humphries” – husband

“That is Barry Humphries” – husband

“This can’t be a bad movie if it’s got chess in it. Pawnography!” – husband, now getting to Dad-joke stage of drunkeness

“The Ginger’s winning” – husband. I’m not even sure what movie he’s watching or what he thinks is happening…

Husband is now boasting about having met exactly half the Spice Girls. There are five of them. I don’t know which one he met only half of. I don’t want to know…

Husband having a flash back to being sent multiple Spice World t shirts at the cinema. This was a good matinee seller, apparently. I went to a matinee show at his damned cinema, I didn’t get a tshirt. I’m suddenly bitter.

Mel C’s Liverpool accent is growing on us. Though we are quite drunk by this point.

“Alan Cumming is an underutilised talent” – husband

HAHAHAHAHA RICHARD BRIERS, who is not in this film? I said that already I know, but this is gold

Would you look at that guy’s monobrow. Yeeach.

Just as I’m beginning to enjoy the blatant objectification of men in Milan the husband starts quizzing me on Spice Girl tits. Who has the biggest tits? Ginger, of course. Duh.

Those are very bright, shiny purple suits aren’t they? Oh, and now we have men’s bottoms poking out of the shiny purple suits. Just one question, how are shiny purple suits with bottom cut outs less cheesy than men just dancing in their underwear?

Husband now quizzing me about Spice Girl bottoms. I’m embarrassed to admit that this is one area of my encyclopedic Spice Girl knowledge that is sadly lacking.

We’re on IMDB. The director of this has won two BAFTAs. He directed Fawlty Towers. Ab fab. Has a stellar CV. Now this….

Meatloaf is here and they’re about to meet aliens from outer space. Just when you think you’ve seen it all.

Baby Spice has a random US flag on her jumper. I get nostalgic. Remember when everyone had a US flag on their person for no reason? Remember? I had knee high US flag socks. That I wore with a floor length denim skirt that had massive splits up the side. Yes, I know.

Seriously mate, you’re part of an alien civilisation who has mastered the intricacies of space travel to come to earth to meet your favourite pop stars. How old fashioned is your enormous camera and flash bulb, though? Sort it out.

Shiny fabric was fucking huge in the 90s

AND DON’T FORGET MY MAGNUM. Words that will see you through life.

Why does Emma’s white mini skirt have a random blue blob on the front? Has she just come from shooting a tampon ad or something?

OMG they’re in the army-boot-camp scene now this movie is so much fun and I remember all the words. No shame here.

Husband finally notices my serious lack of wine. As much as I’m enjoying this I don’t know if I want to face it sober.

The Spice Girls have apparently all fallen asleep in the big old mansion with full make up on. I blame them for setting a bad example for me.

How are Baby Spice’s hair buns so perfect she’s supposed to have been sleeping in those?

Ginger is definitely wearing fresh red lipstick in the sleep over scene.

Baby Spice is continuously sucking a lollipop but I doubt it was one of those peach flavoured Spice Girl chupa chups. They were disgusting.

Ginger is still coming out with weird facts about animals in the jungle pissing on each other before sex. She is me and I am her. This fucking explains everything.

Husband has just told me he likes my love handles. This movie has given him the confidence to say that to me. Shit’s about to get serious

We honestly knew every line of this and would repeat them over and over. Even the insignificant ones. Especially the insignificant ones. Like this:

“Oh good they’re going to sing” – Husband. He can’t believe he’s saying that, but the acting is so bad…

YES Mel C did the back flip! OMG we needed that. It was getting a little dull.

Is Emma actually supposed to be in high school in this scene or is she just dressed like that? Because that’s weird. Either way, it’s weird.

How did they get from that part of London where they reminisced about drinking coffee and wearing school uniforms to the South Bank? Why would you go to the South Bank for chips? How far did they go for chips? Seriously, London is made of chips, they didn’t need to do that. You are never more than seven steps away from a Boots or a place that sells chips in London.

Stephen Fry is here. He has a shiny forehead. He needs blotting papers. He can’t pronounce “Hootie and the Blowfish”.

Is Deborah wearing double denim? So 90s

Husband still complaining in about the lack of Spice Girl music. Thankfully Who Do You Think You Are starts up.

Why is the 9 month pregnant girl in the club? When did they suddenly invite her? Why was she awake? Why did she even want to go to the club in her heavily pregnant state? She’s not even standing with them. Why is she upstairs when they are downstairs? So everyone will get a good view of her water breaking, apparently.

Cheesy jokes have killed my husband’s opinion of Scary Spice. I’m more concerned at the revelation that heavily pregnant girl was drinking gin and tonic in the club. What. The. Fuck.

Pregnant girl in the club brought her miniature back pack. Peak 90s

Geri’s magical tits have just woken up a kid from a coma. Seriously.

Husband is sad he missed the chance to see Geri’s tits. I’ve talked the scene up to him as he left the room to get soup. No need to complicate matters with the disappointing truth.

Nicola: “Don’t wait for me, this could take a while.”
Spice Girls: “We’re staying”
Nicola: “Right, I’ll conveniently have the baby now then”
More great scripting.

“THIS IS THE 90s!” – Richard E Grant

I miss giant flat platforms. Surprising easy to walk in.

HOLD ON TO YOUR KNICKERS GIRLS. Motto for life.

Husband very confused about the bus over the bridge scene. Yes, dear it’s supposed to be that shit. That’s the joke.

The Rocky theme. You’re fucking joking.

“What the fuck is he doing? He has a Tony award!” – husband. Don’t ask, I don’t know.

The world’s quickest hair / makeup / sound check / whatever else has to happen before a concert at the Royal Albert Hall. Believable.

Spice up your life plays! Husband is fond of this song because they mention the haka. I shit you not.

“When they’re natural they are good. When they act they are shit”.
I count this as a win. I’ve converted my husband into a Spice Girl fan.