Nation Fears Drug Test Would Reveal Trump Not on Drugs

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s suggestion that both Presidential candidates submit to a drug test has sparked fears that such a test would reveal that he is not on drugs.

In interviews conducted across the country, voters said that they would be “alarmed” and “distressed” to learn that the billionaire’s statements and actions were the product of a mind unaltered in any way by a controlled substance.

“It never occurred to me that Donald Trump might not be on drugs,” Carol Foyler, an accountant from Toledo, Ohio, said. “That would be terrifying.”

Harland Dorrinson, a mechanic from St. Petersburg, Florida, said that the chilling possibility of Trump not being on drugs was a strong argument against submitting the candidates to drug testing. “If it turns out that he isn’t on anything, this is something that the American people shouldn’t have to find out,” he said. “We’ve suffered enough this election.”

Concerns that Trump might not be on drugs led the nominee’s running mate, Governor Mike Pence, of Indiana, to allay voters’ anxieties in an appearance on Fox News. “All Donald Trump said was that there should be drug tests,” Pence said. “He never explicitly said that he was not on drugs. The media has really run away with this story.”

Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,” and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com.