After spending Saturday night in a hotel on the outskirts of Calgary with Jeff we got ourselves up and at ‘em and headed back into town to visit Katerina at Hospice one last time.

I guess I should explain that she had end-stage non-Hodgkins lymphona and had been fighting a losing battle since the beginning of 2009. I had driven out the Saturday before and learned a little later that the doctors hadn’t expected her to make it through that weekend. Over the week, she got steadily more present, seemingly stronger and was usually pretty perky when I stopped by a couple times a day to see her. On Sunday, she was doing really well and talking about her dad maybe going home for a week and some of her frustrations with the doctors so I was pretty confident in maybe being able to ride out with Jeff again to see her.

We headed up to Edmonton and to my buddy Rob’s for dinner (Hi, Rob!) then back out to some tiny little place who’s name I can’t remember (Calmar?) and spent the night in the truck.

Jeff unloaded the next morning while I tried to sleep through the noise. The original plan, you see, was to drop that load and hopefully have nothing to take back to Langley so that we could put Miles up on the deck and drive him home. Miles is currently in Sandy’s parking spot at her condo and, as plans change, we are now on our way to 100 Mile House with a trailer deck full of peat moss. A lot of which I imagine will end up on a grow op somewhere in the boonies.

At this point, once we drop the peat moss in 100 Mile House, we’ll either head back to Alberta where I’ll end up picking the car up and driving it back anyways or out to Langley, at which point I’ll take Jeff’s truck back over to the island and hopefully be able to get back out next week to pick up Miles. I could have hopped out in Calgary last night but I like being here with Jeff so I’ll just see what happens. I’ve got a few days before I’ve got to be back home and back to work on Saturday. I’ve left the cats alone for about 10 days now and although I know they’re being fed and can get in and out of the house when they want, I feel terrible about leaving them for so long. It wasn’t my intent to be gone this long and although I’m grateful that I could arrange things to stay with Kat, it does weigh on me to leave the cats alone. Plus, yanno, I miss the Cabbage terribly.

Since I haven’t really had access to the internet I had set my blackberry to accept any status updates from Katerina and early Monday afternoon I got a message that she’d passed away Monday morning. It was a bit unexpected since she’d been doing so well but I do know that right before someone dies the body often draws itself in and rallys and I’m so thankful that her last day was a good one.

The strange thing about being in this truck is that you completely lose touch with the world outside. Everything you need is in the truck; fridge, microwave, bed, TV and DVD player. As someone who pees every 20 minutes, both Jeff and I would be a lot happier if there were a bathroom but whatever, that’s just the way it is. And I do hate not having a mirror, leaving my hair to just do whatever it wants and not wearing any makeup. Apparantly, I’m being forcibly taught to not move away from Jeff to sleep alone on my own side of the bed, and that seems to be working – especially considering it’s impossible in a single bunk in the back of the truck. I may be permanently emotionally scarred but I’ll be a cuddler when this trip is over, dammit. We definitely need to see a doctor to deal with the scary f’in sleep apnea/loud snoring issue, though.

Being almost totally self-contained and on the road lends itself to a certain isolation and because I can’t get onto the internet to find out what’s going on with the service for Katerina, it hasn’t really sunk in and I just feel a bit numb. We stop every day or so for a shower at a truck stop and a meal or two but that doesn’t lessen the isolation. I’ve never been very good at sharing my feelings with boyfriends, maybe because I’ve never had more than one or two l really cared about, although I have all kinds of fear around that kind of shit which I’m not about to go into. It upsets Jeff that I can’t do this, except I suppose when I’ve had a bit to drink. The other day, the comment was "Would you like me to grab you a bottle of wine so you can talk about your feelings?" I laughed but, it’s true.

Reader Comments (4)

So sorry to hear about Katerina - but glad you got to see her so often before the end. I hope you deal with it well when the numbness passes.

Also - boyfriend? Wow! Changes! Sorry I've not been keeping in touch lately - head up my own arse as usual (an arse of misery - also as usual). Very happy to hear it and I'm sure in time you'll get to grips with sharing your feelings without alcohol. Go easy on yourself.