Send me email updates about messages I've received on the site and the latest news from The CafeMom Team.
By signing up, you certify that you are female and accept the Terms of Service and have read the
Privacy Policy.

Why are so many twentysomethings having children before getting married?

Why are so many twentysomethings having children before getting married?

The reality is that children born to unmarried twentysomething parents are three times more likely to grow up with a disorienting carousel of adults coming and going in the home, compared to children born to married parents. This kind of carousel, as sociologist Andrew Cherlin notes in his book The Marriage-Go-Round, is associated with higher rates of teen pregnancy, behavioral problems in school, and substance abuse. By contrast, "stable, low-conflict families with two biological or adoptive parents provide better environments for children, on average, than do other living arrangements."

" In fact, twentysomething women now have the majority of children outside of marriage, which-given that 30 is the new 20-makes them the new teen moms."

Full article follows.

Tie the Knot

Nearly half of babies born in the U.S. to twentysomething women have unmarried parents.

Photo by John Moore/Getty Images

The picture of the twentysomething years painted by the pop culture-think Girls or The Mindy Project-suggests that young adults use their 20s as a kind of "odyssey years" to bridge adolescence and adulthood. Judging by Hannah, Adam, and Mindy, the 20s are about getting educated and established at work, enjoying drinks and coffee with friends, trying your hand at relationships, all before the press of adult responsibilities sets in.

This picture is largely accurate for college-educated young adults as we show in our new report, "Knot Yet: The Benefits and Costs of Delayed Marriage in America," and it's a picture that ends up relatively rosy, even if the 20s have difficult moments. These highly educated adults have embraced a "capstone" model of marriage that typically leads them to put off marriage until they have had a chance to establish themselves professionally, personally, and relationship-wise. This capstone model is paying big dividends to the college-educated: Their divorce rate is low, and their income is high. We find, for instance, that college-educated women who postpone marriage to their 30s earn about $10,000 more than their college-educated sisters who marry in their mid-20s.

But one major and more dystopian feature of actual contemporary twentysomething life is conspicuously absent from small-screen depictions: parenthood. Hard as it might be for Hannah and Mindy-and their viewers-to imagine, most American women without college degrees have their first child in their 20s. These young women and their partners-who make up about two-thirds of twentysomething adults in the United States-are logging more time at the diaper aisle of the local supermarket than at the local bar.

This would not be such a big deal except for the fact that many of these twentysomethings are drifting into parenthood, becoming moms and dads with partners they don't think are fit to marry or at least ready to marry. For instance, almost 1 in 2 babies-47 percent, to be precise-born to twentysomething women are now born to unmarried parents. In fact, twentysomething women now have the majority of children outside of marriage, which-given that 30 is the new 20-makes them the new teen moms.

The reality is that children born to unmarried twentysomething parents are three times more likely to grow up with a disorienting carousel of adults coming and going in the home, compared to children born to married parents. This kind of carousel, as sociologist Andrew Cherlin notes in his book The Marriage-Go-Round, is associated with higher rates of teen pregnancy, behavioral problems in school, and substance abuse. By contrast, "stable, low-conflict families with two biological or adoptive parents provide better environments for children, on average, than do other living arrangements."

Courtesy of Brandon Wooten/The "Knot Yet" report

How did twentysomethings become the new teen moms? Progressives stress economics as a cause, conservatives stress culture, but both are a factor. Among college-educated couples who have access to stable, high-paying, and meaningful work, only 12 percent have their first child before marriage. By and large, college-educated women and men don't want to derail their professional and economic prospects by having a baby before they have established a strong economic foundation for themselves and their future family.

But 58 percent of women who have a high-school degree or some college-women we call "middle Americans" and who make up a majority of young adult women-are now having their first child outside of marriage-a rapid and quite recent development. (Among women without a high-school degree, 83 percent do.) The biggest economic issue is that men without college degrees are less likely to hold the kind of stable, decent-paying jobs that will secure their financial future. Chris, 22, a welder in Ohio interviewed for the Love and Marriage in Middle America project at the Institute for American Values, said his recent stint of unemployment "drove the final nail in the coffin" of his relationship with a young woman he was hoping to marry. "[I] was depressed; I was bored out of my mind-no income, not able to do anything. It basically was just like hell," he said.

Two cultural factors are also in play here. The rise of the "capstone" model of marriage is one such factor, as Cherlin has noted. All Americans, not just the college educated-watch the same TV shows and movies and pick up the idea that adults have to have all their ducks in a row-a middle-class lifestyle, a soul mate relationship-before they settle down. This model sets a high bar for marriage and minimizes marriage's classic connection to parenthood. So large numbers of less-educated twentysomethings who view the capstone model as unattainable end up having the child before the marriage.

Second, as Kathryn Edin and Maria Kefalas point out in Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood Before Marriage, many young adults have been scarred by the divorce revolution-which hit poor and middle American communities harder than upper- and middle-class communities-and have become gun-shy about marriage. They have seen too many friends and family divorce to have the trust required to move forward with a wedding. So, living amid a climate characterized by a trust deficit, they often choose, or drift "unintentionally" into, parenthood with partners who are not marriageable or who seem good but to whom they are not yet ready to marry.

Melissa, a 31-year-old single mother, had this to say about why she has never married any of her boyfriends: "I just never felt that anyone's as loyal to me as I am to them," she said. "Even when I feel like I'm in a good relationship, there'll be little things that they'll do that will make me start wondering, ‘Do they really have my back?' ", according to the Love and Marriage in Middle America project, a study of Middle American relationships in a small town in Ohio. What's striking about Melissa's comment-which is all too representative-is that it's not just the bad guys who give her pause about marriage; it's also the good guys. She just seems to harbor a general suspicion about the possibility of lifelong love and the whole institution of marriage.

So what can be done to bring women like Melissa and the "good guys" back together? Progressives are right to point to the importance of shoring up the economic foundations of family life in middle America. New infrastructure projects, better vocational training, and the elimination of the marriage penalties built into many of the nation's public policies serving lower-income Americans are all steps that could help to boost the fragile foundations of middle American families. President Obama was right to call in his State of the Unions address for measures "to strengthen families by removing the financial deterrents to marriage for low-income couples."

But conservatives are also right in calling for a new ethic of parental responsibility that is equally binding on all Americans and all parents, regardless of their income, education, or gender. We need a national campaign-like we have had around teen pregnancy-encompassing public, civic, and pop-cultural efforts (yes, Lena Dunham should get in on the action) to encourage twentysomethings to wait until they have a plan and a partner who will enable them to give their children the life and family they deserve. Isabel Sawhill, a fellow at the Brookings Institution, says young adults need to treat parenthood, not marriage, as the capstone.

This is because becoming a parent, for both mothers and fathers, is a big deal, arguably a bigger deal than getting married. Young adults owe it to their children to try to bring them into a home with two loving parents who are ready to support them and one another in the exhausting, exhilarating, and quotidian adventure that is parenthood. And, at least in the United States, that's most likely to happen within marriage.

The bottom line is this: Today's twentysomethings need to approach parenthood with the same seriousness that they approach marriage. For some, this will mean postponing parenthood into the later 20s or 30s, after their ducks are all in row. But for others, this will mean marrying earlier to someone with whom they are in a "good relationship." But either way, contemporary young adults need to be more intentional about sequencing the baby carriage after marriage, just as the country needs to be more intentional about stabilizing the fragile foundations of family life in poor and middle American communities across the United States.

Ehh our generation noticed more often then not divorces are fucking expensive lol and why have something so permanent ... It's no different than a so who commits to you and is home every night ... Lol oh "security" we live in a time now where women do that for themselves and then some. My back up plans have back up plans lol . I just think marriage is stupid ... Unless your weirdly religious or something . Alot of my friends live the married life style without the marriage ..... It just doesn't make a lot of sense to a lot of people . Love doesn't need to have a paid piece of paper. And I shouldn't need to prove my love to anyone besides my so and my 5 yr old dd

I got married when I was 21, barely. We didn't have our first child till I was 26. Partly because of medical issues, and partly because we wanted to be married for while before having kids. I grew up in a family that placed a huge importance on being married prior to having children. I was never affected by the things mentioned in this article. Some had to do with my upbringing, some had to do with my own thoughts. I knew from day 1 I never wanted to be an unwed mom on purpose. It happens no doubt, but I took necessary steps to make sure it didn't happen to me. I don't want to be a divorced single mom either, and believe me, those were harder steps than the previously mentioned, at times. I know this isn't going to be a popular opinion, but I do think that the need to glorify women, their career success, that they can have it all, any time they want, with or without a man, has led to these findings. Lots of other factors too, but I find this to be more influential on what this study calls "middle American women" than it is on your educated women or men.

It goes along with other posts we have seen. Why do we now accept obesity in our kids as okay? Why? Because we have gone so far to not exclude them, we have now created a generation or two that sees at is normal and fine. It isn't. Should they be ostracized and hung out to dry? No way. Should it be accepted? No way.

If you find yourself in a place where you are an unwed single mom, I don't think you should be vilified or ostracized, but should we glorify it? No. We all know massive studies show us that children do much better raised in a two parent home. Why would you have a baby on purpose with someone you think is unfit to marry? Lets be honest, very few babies are an actual surprise. They are usually planned, or an incident due to irresponsible people. Not that I think babies are an incident themselves. Point being, they are not an accident. We know how babies are made. If you are having sex? It's not an accident or incident unless we are talking rape, and in extremely rare cases.

I honestly think the larger issue is that the focus has been taken off the family, off of children, and placed on the happiness of the parents in the situation these days. We are one of the most selfish generation(s) I have ever seen. That is where I think these issues come into play. In all economic backgrounds. It's a community of "I want it now, I deserve it." That is the issue, and it is a sad reality.

Based on my family and friends through the years and our experiences....I would say that teens and girls in their twenties who have babies and no marriage have been badly raised or ignored by their parents and have nothing else in their lives but having sex and getting pregnant. It is so depressing and disturbing. College and a career and then a marriage to a GOOD man is essential.Parents need to communicate with their kids starting at a young age and make them aware of these truths.

My 16 year old granddaughters who have been carefully and lovingly raised by their parents have decided to wait until they have their college degrees to even think about a relationship and marriage and then wait to have children until they have been married for at least three years. This is not unusual among their friends who have been well raised too.

When I was a teen, I was too shy to kiss a guy and sex to me was something you waited for until you were in love, old enough and with the man you were going to marry...and not just something to do when you want to keep a guy interested.There were too many other things in my life ,....didn't have time to go with a guy and get involved.

Kids who are close to their parents and have families who TALK... will NOT have a baby when they are teens. They talk about morals, self respect, self control and reproduction, contraception. It is such a big mistake to ignore kids and let them go nuts and get pregnant.

Eh... I was 25 when I had my first baby. I wasn't married but I had been with my boyfriend for 4 years. We were talking about getting married but hadn't done it yet. Then we got pregnant. Oops! However, it was not even a little bit like we were teens. Both of us had graduated from college and had decent jobs (I taught 1st grad, he was active duty). We were living independent of our families. Fast forward several years and we are now married, he is still active duty and we are pregnant with our 5th child. We have also only ever been with each other. I seriously doubt that had we gotten married prebaby that our lives soil be any different today. My mother thought it was a total scandal which was ridiculous but whatever. However, had we both been 16 when we got pregnant I can absolutely see how things could have ended differently.

Like I've always said, I had a kid and got married when she was nine months old. I was 20 when I had her, 21 when I got married. I always feel like I'm in some sort of statistical limbo lmao. I was just barely not a teen mom, I had a kid out of wedlock, but I later married her father...so confusing.

Df and i have 2 kids together. I got pregnant with or first at 23 before i finished my bachelors degree. We truly see no point in getting married. We weren't together when i got pregnant with our first, but we are now in a stable, loving relationship. The only thing us getting married will change is his mom asking when we will.

Based on my family and friends through the years and our experiences....I would say that teens and girls in their twenties who have babies and no marriage have been badly raised or ignored by their parents and have nothing else in their lives but having sex and getting pregnant. It is so depressing and disturbing. College and a career and then a marriage to a GOOD man is essential.Parents need to communicate with their kids starting at a young age and make them aware of these truths.

My 16 year old granddaughters who have been carefully and lovingly raised by their parents have decided to wait until they have their college degrees to even think about a relationship and marriage and then wait to have children until they have been married for at least three years. This is not unusual among their friends who have been well raised too.

When I was a teen, I was too shy to kiss a guy and sex to me was something you waited for until you were in love, old enough and with the man you were going to marry...and not just something to do when you want to keep a guy interested.There were too many other things in my life ,....didn't have time to go with a guy and get involved.

Kids who are close to their parents and have families who TALK... will NOT have a baby when they are teens. They talk about morals, self respect, self control and reproduction, contraception. It is such a big mistake to ignore kids and let them go nuts and get pregnant.

See the difference?

Well I have to strongly disagree with you here, my parents have been married for 34 years, and I grew up in a very loving home. My mom did all the right things when it came to the discussion about boys. Not only did I have great parents, Iwas surrounded by family and friends. I made a mistake with one boy! I wasnt sleeping around, and I was always active in sports, played an instrument and we had horses. A baby was born, a baby btw that I have taken care of ever since, without any welfare other then what was offered to everyone.

Well...I strongly disagree. I grew up in a loving family with the greatest parents on earth. I lost my virginity not from peer pressure or curiosity, I actually thought I had fallen in love....and then fell pregnant and had a baby not long after, 21yo...certainly not my parents fault at all...me and my mistakes .

However my parents love and respect for one another made me grow up and see the reality of poor decisions, and showed me how it is a partnership....made me want more from a relationship. It has NOTHING to do with them being married.

They never painted a "you have to marry or your kids are bastards" picture. Or that only god will be pleased with you if you marry.

They showed us that a partnership built on love and respect will be a happy union that will last your lifetime.

I was certainly not raised poorly or ignored. I had great self esteem and confidence. I just turned a few wrong corners...the product of my own personality, the product of my upbringing was being able to see those mistakes and correct them.

Quoting lga1965:

Based on my family and friends through the years and our experiences....I would say that teens and girls in their twenties who have babies and no marriage have been badly raised or ignored by their parents and have nothing else in their lives but having sex and getting pregnant. It is so depressing and disturbing. College and a career and then a marriage to a GOOD man is essential.Parents need to communicate with their kids starting at a young age and make them aware of these truths.

My 16 year old granddaughters who have been carefully and lovingly raised by their parents have decided to wait until they have their college degrees to even think about a relationship and marriage and then wait to have children until they have been married for at least three years. This is not unusual among their friends who have been well raised too.

When I was a teen, I was too shy to kiss a guy and sex to me was something you waited for until you were in love, old enough and with the man you were going to marry...and not just something to do when you want to keep a guy interested.There were too many other things in my life ,....didn't have time to go with a guy and get involved.

Kids who are close to their parents and have families who TALK... will NOT have a baby when they are teens. They talk about morals, self respect, self control and reproduction, contraception. It is such a big mistake to ignore kids and let them go nuts and get pregnant.

Send me email updates about messages I've received on the site and the latest news from The CafeMom Team.
By signing up, you certify that you are female and accept the Terms of Service and have read the
Privacy Policy.