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Hmmm...BM has never asked me not to do something. I have had to divine her wishes based upon her reactions and also from perspectives of other BMs here. Once I figured out she didn't like something, I put an end to it.

Except for the list of words she waved in front of my face as acceptable to use in front of her precious snowflakes. I got up and left the therapist's office. Who convinced me to come back and told BM she was wrong for that and BM apologized for the behavior.

Why do something you know will anger the other parent? Just dumb strategy.

A lot factors in...
It depends on what moms rule is...and her involvement is.
Example...BM doesn't want the kids calling me by my name in MY home. They've been instructed to call me "stepmother"...now, that is NOT her place...I am allowed to decide to use MY name in MY home...that steps on her in absolutely NO way...
I don't honor that rule...
I don't spank any of my SKs...my youngest I did a handful of times over the years...I think 3 times total...one time when he did not follow instructions and wandered off...he has had a bad habit of that his always. Still trying to break it. Once when he took his poop as a four year old and spread it all over his room. And once when he got angry and threw his toys at me in a rage...he was difficult between about 3-5. Now he's mellowed a lot...they're all too old and nothing they do warrant it anymore. In terms of haircuts, I wouldn't think twice...all three are old enough and ask me for one when they want one. I take them, BM hasn't in 5 years, if she really wanted to she simply would, so I really don't give a damn if it pisses her off anymore...ridiculous if she makes a list of things for me not to do when she's now gone 2 months not communicating with her own kids. She doesn't parent at all...so I know and "rules" she has has nothing to do with the kids, they're just petty and about me and this many years in, the kids and I don't care, they ask me for things, I help.

I generally don't do things that BM is against concerning SS but BM doesn't want SS around me, and yet he has been on occasion, I think BM realizes that it isn't me hiding behind DH when he happens to be around me though.

Quoting oldproatthis: A lot factors in...
It depends on what moms rule is...and her involvement is.
Example...BM doesn't want the kids calling me by my name in MY home. They've been instructed to call me "stepmother"...now, that is NOT her place...I am allowed to decide to use MY name in MY home...that steps on her in absolutely NO way...
I don't honor that rule...
I don't spank any of my SKs...my youngest I did a handful of times over the years...I think 3 times total...one time when he did not follow instructions and wandered off...he has had a bad habit of that his always. Still trying to break it. Once when he took his poop as a four year old and spread it all over his room. And once when he got angry and threw his toys at me in a rage...he was difficult between about 3-5. Now he's mellowed a lot...they're all too old and nothing they do warrant it anymore. In terms of haircuts, I wouldn't think twice...all three are old enough and ask me for one when they want one. I take them, BM hasn't in 5 years, if she really wanted to she simply would, so I really don't give a damn if it pisses her off anymore...ridiculous if she makes a list of things for me not to do when she's now gone 2 months not communicating with her own kids. She doesn't parent at all...so I know and "rules" she has has nothing to do with the kids, they're just petty and about me and this many years in, the kids and I don't care, they ask me for things, I help.

If mom doesn't want me to do it then there's no way on gods green earth I'm doing it...
That's like somebody telling you not to poke a bees nest and and you decide that you're going to do one better and lick it.

Don't know if she did, evens knows that I corrected the kids to use my name in the house, I don't care, it's my home, my name is used. That is what I know...
She's hurt...she just had a baby with SO...she told the kids "at least this is one your dad can't take away from me." STILL do warped she blames DH for the fact that she does not contact her kids...she really is special...so when questions like this come up if I respect her wishes...I can't, she's mentally ill, and the kids now are old enough and have their own voices so I more have a direct relationship with them...the parents don't serve as middlemen anymore...my DH trusts me to handle kids requests or needs, discipline I still let him take the lead on, simply because I don't like to do it.

Quoting Bubbles2014: Call you 'stepmother' ?

Not that that's friggin weird or anything lol.

Hope BM gets over that one.

Quoting oldproatthis: A lot factors in...
It depends on what moms rule is...and her involvement is.
Example...BM doesn't want the kids calling me by my name in MY home. They've been instructed to call me "stepmother"...now, that is NOT her place...I am allowed to decide to use MY name in MY home...that steps on her in absolutely NO way...
I don't honor that rule...
I don't spank any of my SKs...my youngest I did a handful of times over the years...I think 3 times total...one time when he did not follow instructions and wandered off...he has had a bad habit of that his always. Still trying to break it. Once when he took his poop as a four year old and spread it all over his room. And once when he got angry and threw his toys at me in a rage...he was difficult between about 3-5. Now he's mellowed a lot...they're all too old and nothing they do warrant it anymore. In terms of haircuts, I wouldn't think twice...all three are old enough and ask me for one when they want one. I take them, BM hasn't in 5 years, if she really wanted to she simply would, so I really don't give a damn if it pisses her off anymore...ridiculous if she makes a list of things for me not to do when she's now gone 2 months not communicating with her own kids. She doesn't parent at all...so I know and "rules" she has has nothing to do with the kids, they're just petty and about me and this many years in, the kids and I don't care, they ask me for things, I help.

And that is the dumbest behavior. You put the kid in the middle of your power play with BM.

If you know a parent forbids a behavior or action, you don't do it. You find a way to say to SD that sorry, no nail painting today. You do it in a way that BM is not portrayed as wrong. Instead you pee on your territory and send SD home marked and forcing mom to be the bad guy.

You are such a nasty to BM. Such passive aggressive behavior on your part. Poor kid needs to deal with your kind of crazy.

Quoting Bubbles2014: Depends.
Not that this is the case, but how do you explain to a 6 year old girl that you simply can't paint her toes pink because mommy forbids it?
You can't. And you don't. You paint her toes and not hurt anyone. BM can take it off later.

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