Spoof news stories from Saturday 1 October 2011

Residents of Long Beach were today warned not to leave their homes following a second celebrity 'facial clap' incident.
As a result of a botched face-lift an as yet unnamed actress, who first shot to fame in the hit TV series Dynasty, has suffere...

Legendary singer Barry Manilow was said to be deeply upset following an accident at his concert in Caesars Palace earlier today.
While straining to reach top D in a performance of his hit song 'Mandy', the supports holding Manilow's face are thoug...

Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson has today been reprimanded by BBC executives after his attempt to set a new track record in the Titanic ended in disaster earlier today.
Clarkson bought the Titanic, the famous Edwardian liner that sank in 1912,...

All forms of martial arts including Karate, Kung-Fu, Jiu-Jitsu and Judo to be banned across Europe because of the violent influence on children in Europe. These sports encourage violence and enrages children to fight each other. The European Union ca...

The wreck of the liner RMS Titanic, sunk on its maiden voyage after a collision with James Cameron in 1997, has been stolen, it was announced today.
Lying in two halves at a depth of five miles in the middle of the North Atlantic, the wreck is t...

CABO SAN LUCAS, Mexico - Ryan Seacrest and Steven Tyler are the proud owners of the luxurious Puffy Taco Resort & Casino in Cabo San Lucas.
The two stars of American Idol recently celebrated the resort and casino's grand opening ceremonies whi...

Matt Smith has said today that he wishes to leave Dr Who later in the year in order to concentrate on his career.
Candidates for the replacement for Smith, who has played the eponymous Time Lord since the departure of David "Where did my career...

Washington, DC - China wants its money back, and it wants it now. Not surprisingly, the target of the Communist nation's demands is conservative poster boy John Boehner (R-Ohio), the Speaker of the House.
Things are getting so bad, Boehner has asked the FBI for protection. His main problem: a collection agency is aggressively pursuing him to repay upwards of $1.2 trillion in debt. That figure i...

Hertfordshire - Dubbed the crucible of home grown terra descendants of the Home Counties town have been traced to a notorious leper colony that mutated soon after the 1883 eruption of Krakatoa.
This weekend an announcement by the Department for Cu...

Irish TV presenter and comedian Graham Norton has today denied rumours that he is set to join EastEnders later in the year. It was suggested by Soapy Things Today that Norton was to play Frank "Mad Dog" Mitchell, a long lost step-brother of Phil and...

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a surprising move that has even shocked President Obama word coming out of the hallowed halls of the United States Senate is that the Democratic and Republican dudes and dudesses who make lots of money and have fantastic benefit...

Following discussions with the government the famous ancient standing stones of Wiltshire's 'Stonehenge' are not going to have to be destroyed after all. Instead they are to be carefully taken down from there present site at Amesbury then relocated t...

London - A hush-hush meeting of UK energy providers has warned that draconian tariff increases in householders' heating bills are being deliberately thwarted by freakish weather conditions.
Price increases of up to 19% had been targetted for the a...

"And on judgement day, He will walk among us with his staff held erect," says Revelations 12:8.
"We have been looking at this phrase for the past two thousand years," said Biblical scholar, Samuel Ahmed. "And it was only yesterday when we realised that when God bestrides the earth at the end of days, he will do so with his cock out. It certainly is a book of revelations!"
Based on this rem...

The Merseyside derby between Everton and Liverpool was sensationally abandoned just after the half time restart today, when referee Martin Atkinson sent off all but one player.
Pepe Reina, Liverpool goalkeeper was the only player left standing, af...

Major Mehmet Mehmet, of the Libyan Peoples Popular Front Army, has denied claims his troops refused to jump from thier aircraft into the battle zone. It was reported, that the 200 strong platoon, trained by the Elite, Libyan Womens Peoples Popular fe...

HARFOLD, Vt.--Insiders in the banking industry confide that Bank of America is currently considering a name change to Bank Against America, a change which would certainly be in alignment with recent behaviors by the banking giant.
Bank of America...

Perrot entered Lord and Lady Toffs lounge. He moved to the fireplace and stood staring at the people sitting before him. "Ello everybodis peeps I em Hurcules Perrot feemos detect init".
There was a hushed silence and a smell of burning. Lord Toff began to speak but was interrupted by the raised hand of Perrot.
"Ples I am speek an I es not finish wot I say," continued Perrot. "Some of one i...

Music Diva Rihanna has showed her more nurturing side in her latest music video.
"The song is called Hard Work," said video producer Larry "The Snip" Styles. "Given the problems we've had filming her previous video I figured that what with the tit...

Australian federal politicians have woken up to the surprise news they are going to get 500% pay rises.Speaking in Canberra, Prime Minister with the world's worst Aussie accent, Julia Gillard made this speech.
G'day all 'n' sundry. This has come as a compleeeete shock to us all. The Indeeeependent Pay Tribunal, chaired by me brother-in-law Josh Bigballs, has decided all us polies need a bit of...