“If we can just add another Hotel to Boardwalk and Park Place, I’m sure we
can turn the U.S. economy around.” – Hank
Paulson, U.S. Treasury Secretary

Washington,
DC – In a stunning announcement on the steps of the White House today, U.S.
Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson and Fed Reserve Chief Ben Bernanke revealed
their latest economic ploy to solve the U.S. and global financial meltdown:
namely, an injection of $700 trillion in Monopoly Money from the Parker
Bros. game called Monopoly.

“I get to
be the banker,” said Federal Reserve Chief Ben Bernanke.

‘Toys R
Us’ CEO, Wile E. Coyote, who contacted President Bush and his Economic
Plunge Protection Team late last night offered to pull $700 Trillion in
Monopoly Money cash out of 10 million unsold Parker Brothers Monopoly Games
sitting on the shelves in 500 warehouses across America.

“Our
Monopoly Money cash is just as solid as the Fed’s Treasury Notes and U.S.
Dollars, plus it’s backed by the full faith and credit of the Parker
Brothers game company,” said CEO Coyote as he pulled the rope on an ACME
Catapult and flung his ass 1,000 feet against a fake choo-choo train tunnel
painted on the side of a rock wall.

“Throw in
B&O Railroad and Marvin Gardens and you got a deal,” said President Bush.

“If we can
just add another hotel to Boardwalk and Park Place, I’m sure we can turn the
U.S. economy around,” added Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson.

“You got a
deal,” said CEO Coyote as he lit the fuse on his ACME Dyno-mite Rocket Shoes
and zoomed off after the Road Runner.

Meanwhile,
after news of the $700 Trillion Bailout Deal hit Wall Street, the stock
market collapsed another 12,473 points, leaving the DOW at
negative 479, the lowest level ever in U.S.
history.

“Since all
the previous bailout schemes by the Federal Reserve and Treasury Department
have done nothing but exacerbate the current financial meltdown,” said CEO
Coyote, “‘Toys R Us’ decided to save the taxpayers with real Monopoly Money
capital and tangible real estate, including such stalwarts as Park Place,
Boardwalk, Baltic Ave., Marvin Gardens, The Electric Co., and B&O Railroad.
All of our capital and real estate is backed by the full faith and promise
of Rich Uncle in 10 million Parker Bros. Monopoly Games,” added Coyote.

“The
reason our new Financial Bailout Plan from ‘Toys R Us’ will work,” said Sec
Paulson, “is because we know the exact price of each Monopoly Game and how
much Monopoly Money cash and property comes with each game.”

“I get to
be the banker,” said Fed Reserve Chief Ben Bernanke.

“Like we
said,” continued Wile E. Coyote, “the trillions of Dollars in Play Money in
all of our Monopoly Games is just as valid as the U.S. Dollar, the Euro, the
British Pound, and all the other government-backed paper money and credit
issued by all the central banks throughout the world.”

“That’s
right,” said Secretary Paulson. “Technically speaking, Parker Bros.’
Monopoly Money is no different than the current U.S. Dollar and Treasury
Notes. We were delighted when ‘Toys R Us’ offered to inject their $700
Trillion worth of liquidity and real estate into our failing economy.”

“So, can
we now purchase Parker Bros. with their own Monopoly Money?” asked President
Bush.

“You bet,”
said Secretary Paulson. “We plan to inject the new Monopoly Money into
every private enterprise in the nation, including Parker Bros. itself. Just
think, if the government buys Parker Bros., we can increase the amount of
Monopoly Money cash -- and the value of tangible real estate such as Vermont
and Pennsylvania Avenues -- in each game of Monopoly and thus greatly enrich
the taxpayers’ holdings while simultaneously saving the economy.”

“We are
also offering to inject ALL the paper money from all of our other 50 million
Parker Bros. board games, too,” said Coyote.

“Holy
moley,” said President Bush. “How much is that worth?”

“About $75
quintillion in Play Money from games such as Risk, Life, Poker, Roulette,
Craps, and Whose Money is it Anyway?” said CEO Coyote.

“Oh Lord
have mercy, that should solve our national debt, right Secretary Paulson?”

“Right,
Mr. President, I’ll get right on it.”

“This is
wonderful news,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi as the Road Runner buzzed
between her legs on the While House lawn. “But what’s Plan B if this $700
Trillion ‘Toys R Us’ Bailout plan fails?”

“Easy. We
simply set all prices of all products to whatever level they were in the
2005 Sears Mail Order Catalogue,” said Treasury Secretary Paulson.

“Right,”
said Coyote as he pushed the button on his ACME Rocket Pogo Stick and
bounced his butt to the Moon. – FM Duck