February 2, 2009

O.M.F.G.!!!!!!! What a time it has been!!!!! No wonder I have neglected my diary. Here are the high points.

Prior to Election Day, I was really busy being the SPEAKER in the House and attending campaign events. I am a very important person who does very important and very non-partisan work, like attending meetings with Barney Frank. He’s soooooo smart, and he’s an absolute hoot! I get a special kick out of him, because … well … you know. When I see him I always say, “Barney, are you sure you don’t want to touch my tits? Everyone else does.”

He always giggles and says, “Oh Nancy, you’re such a naughty vixen. If they were only manboobs!” He’s a real pisser, I tell ya. Once, I even tricked him into saying “Sufferin’ Succotash!” LMAO!!!!

Then came election day. Holy shit. Except for a half-dozen glasses of Cristal in the morning (mixed with a capful of orange juice makes it a health drink), I didn’t drink until the polls closed. OK, I’m lying. I drank like a fish all damned day, and when I wasn’t drinking I was burning up some primo shit.

You know how they say people remember exactly what they were doing when something BIG happened? You know? Like the Kennedy assassination, or the unveiling of a new line of Gucci bags? Well, I can tell you exactly what I was doing when CNN called the election for Obama. I was wearing my French Maid’s outfit. I was shitfaced and stoned with my hand down the pants of a Hungarian Hunk named Miklos, whom I rented for the day. OMFG!!!! While Wolf Blitzer was still talking, Miklos ripped off my outfit and went to town. Hollllllly shit! He sure knows his way around my goulash. It was AWESOME!!!

Poor Hilly. I called her to see if she wanted to come over for some refreshments and to see Miklos play naked Gypsy violin music, especially the songs where he uses his “special bow!!” OMFG!!!! I could barely understand her on the phone. She was breathless, crying and yelling and screaming all sorts of obscenities at Bill. I’m pretty sure she was throwing stuff too. Oh, well. Sucks to be her.

Unfortunately, after the election, I still had to some very important SPEAKER stuff to do, like, working with Barney and Chris to straighten out the financial mess that the maroon from Texas and his failed policies got us into. That Chris is a really smart guy, and he told me that if I’d flash him, he’d get me a sweet re-financing deal. Boobs away!!!!! LOL!!!!! What a hoot.

Inauguration Day was un-freakin’believable. It was totally awesome being on the podium with other seriously important people, even though it was cold as hell. I didn’t much appreciate Harry Reid rubbing his thing against my ass and whispering “I know how to keep you warm, Nancy.” During the President’s speech, no less! Well, I guess I can’t blame him.

The parties!!!! There were so many, but my favorite was the one thrown by MSNBC. I never saw so much excellent blow in one place at one time. Totally AWESOME. Keith Olbermann was in the kitchen, drunk as shit, drinking German beer from one of those stein things. Actually, he was dribbling more than he was drinking, because he was doing nonstop “special commentaries.” He is really smart. When he noticed me in the room, he stopped talking and walked right up to me and stared at my tits. I said, “Like what you see, Slugger?”

He took off his glasses and said, “Don’t you think I look like Superman when I take my glasses off? Check it out. Glasses on – Keith Olbermann. Glasses off – Superman!” Like I said, the guy is really, truly smart. Awesomely smart.

Chrissy Mathews showed up. OMG, he is soooooo cute. If you think he talks fast on television, you should have seen him after he’s done a couple lines of premier blow. Holy crappitolly!! He’s like a verbal string of firecrackers! He walked up to me and said, “I love a Ginny broad with a sweet ass. You send a major tingle up my leg.” With that, he hustled my fine ass into the kitchen pantry. Maybe it was the blow, but now I think I know why they call him “Tweety.”