A female Boris Johnson would be treated like a daft cow, not the future PM

Imagine if a female politician was unkempt, made silly jokes and slept around.
Would she be considered Prime Minister material? Beverley Turner
considers whether a 'Doris Johnson' would ever be loved by the British
public

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Boris, or should we say Doris, Johnson.

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Thumbs up: Boris Johnson announces his intention to try and stand asan MP at the next general electionPhoto: Tolga Akmen/LNP

The last24-hour Boris-festmay have had you rejoicing at hispotential return to Westminster; despairing at his ability to single-handedly alight British politics or left you totally bemused that one man can survive so many marital affairs and more U-turns than a bank holiday diversion. But in my mind, one loud and annoying question was ringing out: have we ever and will we ever see a female Boris Johnson?

Men don’t flounce, of course; they “take a stand” or “fall on their sword”. Her decision was irritating and disappointing to anyone who wants to see more women in politics. “C’mon Warsi,” we wailed. It’s all very honourable to fight for dying innocents but you’re no use whatsoever if you aren’t arm-wrestling with the willy-wavers around the top table.

And then there’s Boris Johnson, a man who lets me play my favourite game: ‘Spot the female equivalent.’ There are lots of high-profile men who give me an excuse to indulge in this past time: Jeremy Clarkson and Russell Brand are other goodies. These types of men are generally ‘blokes’ blokes’ who build careers on verbosity and controversy; dubious physical attractiveness and the sexual morality of a Bonobo chimp. And yet…they get away with it.

They do so because humour is a funny thing.

My wise, old dad always said: “You can say anything as long as you say it with a smile on your face.” Luckily, I was 10 and knew he was talking about kindness and charm rather than getting yourself off the hook when you’ve been caught sleeping with someone else’s beloved.

Boris evokes another great philosopher besides my dad, the late writer Maya Angelou, who wisely stated: “People will forget what you said, they will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” Boris makes us feel giddy and included; he makes us listen out for the bon mots he routinely pulls from the ‘scoundrels’ dictionary.’ And even though he is a politician (although not an MP at the moment), he makes us feel as though we are laughing with him at all other members of Parliament.

Yet, if a female MP dared to behave in the same way, she’d be roundly punished for disloyalty and viewed as a dangerous threat who could not be contained. She would be viewed as a daft cow, just as The Independent’s Archie Blandnotes. You know it. And I know it.

Thumbs up: Boris Johnson announces his intention to try and stand asan MP at the next general election Tolga Akmen/LNP

Boris manages to tick every box that defines stereotypical Tories as irritants: Eton educated – tick; a history of extra-marital affairs – tick; a tendency to say one thing and do another – tick. He’s also fat and seemingly unworried about his appearance - two sticks which newspaper editors and social media quickly normally use to beat lesser-loved politicians. Wrack your brains. Is there any woman in the public eye who would rise to office if she sat in the same venn diagram as BJ?

Ann Widdecombe

Don’t laugh but Ann Widdecombe is the closest I can muster (minus the sex). She’s a bit daft, a bit fat, a bit posh and a bit of a caricature. But until she shimmied her way to metaphorical adulthood on TV in Strictly Come Dancing she was far from well-liked. You see, she just wasn’t funny and the thought of her ever having sex – never mind seducing multiple willing partners - is quite a stretch of the imagination. She was far too buttoned-up, unlike our Boris.

Miranda Hart REX FEATURES

If she ever fancied a career in politics, the comedian Miranda Hart may get away with political inconsistencies and silly quotes about being reincarnated as an olive as I could imagine her doing – if she evoked some of the ‘harmless’ charm of Boris-ness buffoonery.

But again – like Widdecombe – Hart is pretty asexual. If Edwina Currie’s affair with John Major had become known at the time it was happening, we’d surely have seen photos of her glassy-eyed and mournful through passing car windows as she left her job (as junior health minister) to consider her actions and rebuild her marriage. She certainly wouldn’t have walked about with a smile on her lips, as we rolled our eyes at her cloak-of-darkness shenanigans.

He remains the classic public-school boy who is raised to believe he is right; invincible and outside of normal social expectations. In doing so, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as all who enter his sphere believe it too – as long as he keeps them smiling. Most of us oppressed Brits would love to be a little more devil-may-care like BJ; we admire how he tows the party line while remaining seemingly outside of his boss’s ultimate control.

Apparently, David Cameron learnt of Johnson’s announcement yesterday while on holiday and tweeted his welcome through gritted teeth. Girls are not raised that way – we don’t wait until the teacher is out of the room before we throw the Tipp-ex bottle.

Baroness Warsi - we needed you to stay

Women in power like Baroness Warsi need to be more fearless, not so quick to surrender. And we need to question whether we would ever accept a woman as dishevelled and bereft of physical vanity as the London Mayor in a position of power. Only then will we see and love a female Boris, or should I say Doris, Johnson.