Seriously, just call me. I’ll put on my least disgusting hoodie and a clean pair of jeans and a charming smile, and come down and talk to you about the job. You’ll like me, I promise. I’m funny and clever, and by the end of our little chat, you will want to hire me.

Yes, I really can do anything. I am very, very smart. Hand me a scalpel and stand me over a bursting appendix, and I will do just fine. I can also answer the phone, deal with miserable people, count change, and streamline your inventory control system. I make terrific coffee, and I will always remember what you like in it. I have an over developed sense of urgency, which means I am usually waiting outside in the parking lot half an hour before the traffic issue that will cause everyone else to be late that day.

No, I did not finish school. Nobody is perfect. Now I am a 30 year old mother, and the time and money involved in going back to train for “How to Take Minutes”, and “Avoiding Workplace Harassment” just aren’t there. I just want a job. Something I can do to get out of the house, pays more than I need to fork out for childcare, and makes me feel useful.

I don’t like to be bored. Give me something to do when there’s nothing to do. Or let me bring a book. I’m going to need time off sometimes. I am first and foremost a mother, and my vomiting child will always trump your business needs. Also, my husband makes more money than I do, and gets more vacation time. We go places. You will like when I come back with a tan and a smile- I will bring you wonderful things from far away places, and be a better employee for it.

I have an amazing sense of humor. If laughter and joy are against the rules in your workplace, maybe don’t call me. People do die of The Brain Fog and I don’t want to be another statistic of that epidemic. But you should know, I will make it more fun to work there.

So, if you feel you can provide a work environment suitable to my wide variety of skills and strengths, or are willing to take a chance on your appendix, please call me. I have several references from people who can attest to my extraordinary personality and abilities. And there’s no harm in offering me a great job; the worst thing that could happen is I turn you down.