ex

A man approaches a woman at a bar, says “Hi,” and introduces himself. After an agreeable two minutes of small talk, the man offers to buy the lady a drink of her choosing. Smiling, the woman accepts the kind offer and orders another drink. Holding the paid concoction in her hand, she lifts it up to thank the man then innocuously walks away to sit down at a table with friends.

If you’ve been unhappily single for a while, it’s tempting to not only reflect back on your past experiences but those of your single friends as well. The above short story is an example of this, which is why I’m frugally reluctant to buy a girl a drink at a bar. So what does this have to do with being single? For starters, you’re most likely lonely and occasionally get jealous of couples you see on a daily basis. Not only that but getting rejected ad nauseam. When you vent about your troubles, your friends then vent about theirs. Unless you have a unique sense of fortitude when it comes to rejection and a penchant for having a good time, these stories compound in your head, creating a pulverizing migraine.

I mean, who doesn’t miss the midnight phone calls when you’re feeling blue? Or feeling accomplished because you successfully consoled your lover? Or those “I love you” texts that come when you least expect them to? Personally, I miss having someone to joke around with, especially in public. I was at a party two years ago and my girlfriend seductively leaned in and cooed in my ear, “I’m not wearing any panties.”

“Good news everyone!” I exclaimed to the crowd.

She nudged my ribcage laughing to keep me quiet and it worked. At least until I texted my buddy about it later that night.

A guilty sense of indignation creeps up on you as you ponder each rhetorical question. How come that glib jackass gets lucky? Why didn’t she text me back? Doesn’t she want to be with a good guy? Now what do I do with all this lingerie I bought? How did I just max out my credit card at this liquor store?

“Be good and you will be lonely” -Mark Twain

The Treatments:

Accept the hardships of the situation and get stoic: As my good friend once said to me, “You got balls man. You have to use them!” Straight men, for example, don’t have the privilege of loafing on the sidelines until someone approaches them. Don’t be lazy; you and I both know this girl is too beautiful for you not to say something. Even if you fail, and you will, at least you tried. After all, they can’t all be winners. 😉

Privily take care of your needs in the meantime: Your penis will love and fear you – the essence of sadomasochism – whether or not your consciousness will admit it due to the obvious ploy of masturbation to deal with built up tension. I say “fear” because this becomes a common outlet to clear your head (both of them). Gilbert Gottfried famously phrased this as such, “If masturbation’s a crime, I should be on death row.” If I’m not mistaken, Pee-wee Herman exalted this.

Laugh off your newest lows: It was a sullen struggle at Bed, Bath, and Beyond when I found myself buying lube for my alone time with myself. Or realizing I bought a package of 50 condoms with approaching expiration dates right before the breakup and my sense of parsimony won’t let me forgive myself. In short, have you ever caught yourself having full-length conversations with inanimate objects? Perhaps when your doctor asked, “Have you been having sexual relations?” you blurted out, “You mean, with other people?” Whatever it may be, just give a good laugh about it later and keep moving. Otherwise, this feeling of dejection will resonate when you talk to strangers. Don’t be that person that gives out their number and follows up with, “Here you go but it’s not like you’ll ever call me.”

Fake it till you make it: Seriously, if you want to be <insert adjective here> but it’s not in your nature, at least not instinctively, fake it. If you lumber around others but want to come off as charmingly poised, you act as though you’re charmingly poised. It’s fine to alter your behavior in a healthy manner towards a personal goal as long as others don’t disparage you for it.

So tickle your “Elmo,” get yourself a girlfriend/boyfriend pillow or whatever you need to sleep through the night and don’t be contrite about it. We all need pick-me-ups to get us through these harrowing weeks.

Yes, I’m being hyperbolic but you get point. If not, just leave a comment. 🙂

After nearly two years, my ex and I broke up. The once benign, amorous relationship eventually turned on its head and became insidiously enduring. And as everyone will learn, if they haven’t already, you only really come to know your partner when one of two things occur; you cohabit or you break up.

I’ve been single for 10 months now. I never thought such a delightful round number such as 10 could bring so much indignation. Since the breakup, I have not had a date, nor sex, nor any sort of female companionship (which I miss dearly). My ex slept with someone less than a month after the breakup. Not knowing this, I stayed at her place for a weekend because she was going through a hard time. As it turned out, I was consoling her because her new lover was not interested in dating. After finding out she had slept with someone a month after she said she wanted kids with me and told me I’m her one and only love, it was difficult to mask my emotions. Quite honestly, when the breakup occurred, I could not even fathom sleeping with someone else. This is part of being in love, no?

After voicing my disappointment and my damaged pride, she calmly stated, “Look, it’s not like I did anything wrong.” The love of my life slept with another man 3 weeks after we split up, then called me to come over and stay with her for a weekend in order to nurse her back to health. And she did nothing wrong. You know what? I’ll grant her that. Yes, she did nothing wrong but one has to capitulate to the notion that this was morally distasteful and slightly selfish. A more extreme example may illustrate this. Let’s imagine a serious couple of 20 years splits up and one partner sleeps with a stranger an hour after the breakup. Wrong? Maybe not since they did not cheat. Distasteful and possibly spiteful? I’d presume so.