James Marsden's Marriage Advice

What's the definition of real romance?

I usually don’t put much stock in what celebrities have to say (especially when they express their ill-informed opinions about Israel!) but unfortunately many others do. The world venerates their lifestyles, imitates their fashion sense and fantasizes about their vacations. We imagine their marriages (if they last) to be full of non-stop glamour.

That’s why it was refreshing to read this quote by James Marsden (I wasn’t sure who he was but Wikipedia reveals him to be an actor, singer and former Versace model), “My wife thinks I’m romantic if I get up with the crying baby and let her sleep in. Once you have kids, romance is thoughtful acts for someone you love.”

I would just tweak this statement a little by removing the words “Once you have kids.” Thoughtful acts for someone you love are always the foundation of a good relationship.

And although it doesn’t fit any Hollywood fantasies and won’t be photographed by People magazine, getting up with the crying baby is definitely a romantic gesture.

Why? For two reasons. One is because it is a real act of giving on the part of the spouse who is getting up either in the middle of the night or at some ridiculously early hour. It is not easy to do. It’s not something anyone feels like doing. It’s an action that has a real-time cost and benefit; a cost that is deeper than a dent in your bank balance. But you do it because you care.

And because (reason number 2), it’s what she really wants and needs. You do it because you aren’t thinking about yourself; you are thinking about her. You aren’t thinking about your needs; you’re thinking about hers. And because you recognize that this is the stuff relationships are made of; the giving and doing even when it’s hard, even when you don’t feel like it, even when you know you’ll be exhausted. Because you know it will be a source of pleasure (or just plain relief!) to your spouse. You know it will be deeply appreciated (It’s not a gift she’ll want to return!)

It’s not easy. It’s the more difficult choice. And it’s the less celebrated choice (publicly anyway). It’s not a ring you can show off or a vacation you can brag about. But it’s a more meaningful expression of caring. It’s a deeper and more lasting investment in the relationship.

Don’t let yourself be fooled by Hallmark or Godiva or DeBeers (okay; everyone likes diamonds, even when sleep-deprived!). If you want to keep the romance alive, just give and give, and then give some more – in the “small” ways that he or she really needs.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 10

(10)
Anonymous,
October 19, 2011 11:17 AM

How profound! James Marsden has really hit the nail squarely on the head.

(9)
MESA,
May 16, 2011 6:40 PM

Talk about Divine Providence... My husband is the sweetest, best husband there is, and he is wonderfully romantic, but I have often said that the most romantic thing he has ever done for me is getting up at night to change the baby's diaper, giving me an extra 2 minutes of rest before nursing.

(8)
gunter hiller,
November 2, 2010 5:42 PM

I think it's a wonderful insight!

(7)
SHANNA,
October 27, 2010 6:45 AM

it's great to hear it.

Marriage is so hard in these times if you can make life easier anything is worth that alone.

(6)
Anonymous,
October 27, 2010 2:43 AM

Right on.......

I don't call that romance, I call it love. Giving to your partner shows them you care about them and that is a foundation of love, deep love. I once heard of an older couple that when he was thirsty, he'd ask her if she wanted tea and when she was cold she'd bring him a sweater. It is not the flowers he/she buys - it is the cup of coffee handed to me in the morning and the taking of the garbage out, or the offer to bring up the laundry basket that shows me my partner really cares and loves me !

(5)
Anonymous,
October 26, 2010 6:59 PM

so very true.

giving of yourself IS loving!
gifts can be bought even when you DON'T truely love. It only cost money. So how do the poor love?there is only one way, the way of giving.Besides money comes and goes and now it went for a long time by greedy for money(not for love) people.I vote for giving , not for diamonds.

(4)
Rachel,
October 26, 2010 6:31 PM

But romance of the other sort is still important

My husband of 28 years is an incredibly kind and good man BUT in a long marriage both partners can end up feeling like best friends but not romantic partners. I'm not talking about big expensive gifts, but something -- a note or card, a lunch out together when the kids are at school, etc -- can still be important in making us remember that we married each other for many reasons, including romance.

(3)
Howie,
October 26, 2010 4:56 PM

Yes....give and give, and then give some more....

The last paragraph says it all. I tell my daughter and anyone else I know approaching marriage (who will listen) that the most important thing to each party in a relationship is the needs and the happiness of the other. If both parties make sure the other is happy and their needs are met, it certainly has a much better chance of success!

(2)
Anonymous,
October 24, 2010 1:51 PM

Sounds so easy

Awww, this article makes marriage sound so easy. I know it's not. But really, it's these mundane and/or difficult moments that add up to sweet romance when you're not looking. :o)

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

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