Recent News

NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions.

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Spurning his deepest and most ardent desires, local man Mark Werner reportedly betrayed his heart Thursday by telling a friend he was dining with that he could have the last dumpling.

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

LAKE ZURICH, IL—In an effort to provide customers with a more practical product that better suits their typical usage, office supplies manufacturer Mead released a new realistic day planner this week that only includes entries for the first couple weeks after its purchase.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘We’re Excited About This, But Silt Research Certainly Isn’t For Everyone,’ Say Geologists

BOULDER, CO—A team of geologists from the University of Colorado announced at a press conference Wednesday that they had made a significant discovery concerning the world’s silt deposits, but stated that they understand if you aren’t interested in that sort of thing.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

CHICAGO—Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residents’ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

End Of Section

More News

God Admits He Rarely Forgives

The Supreme Being confirms to reporters that forgiveness is “not really in my disposition.”

The Supreme Being confirms to reporters that forgiveness is “not really in my disposition.”

THE HEAVENS—Calling into question centuries of religious dogma and commonly held beliefs, the Lord Our God, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, admitted Tuesday that in actuality it is “extremely rare” for Him to ever forgive an individual.

Speaking to reporters, God, who admitted that He is “generally motivated more by anger and spite than forgiveness,” reiterated that being forgiving is “not in [His] nature,” and on the whole constitutes a small part of what the Lord does every day and what He feels He should do every day.

“I do not particularly enjoy absolving humans of their earthly transgressions—I prefer to punish the wicked, hold grudges for thousands of years, curse entire regions and ethnicities for the sins of a few, and so forth,” said God, Our Father. “I typically ignore the words and deeds of the repentant and make a concerted effort to restrict any such individual from ever taking my side in the Kingdom of Heaven. I also take particular satisfaction, even glee, in repeatedly punishing those who have sinned at any point in their lives and are endeavoring to gain my forgiveness through prayer and good works.”

“Essentially, only individuals who have lived lives of unblemished goodness shall receive my love and charity,” He added. “Otherwise, it is exceedingly rare for me to forgive any living creature who has erred in my eyes, least of all a human.”

While acknowledging “perhaps 10 or 12” total instances in the last several millennia in which He has forgiven a person who is truly sorry for committing a sinful act, the Lord confirmed to reporters that such instances are, statistically speaking, tremendous anomalies, and may have in fact been the result of simple negligence on His part rather than any genuine feelings of mercy.

Concurrently, the Supreme Being estimated the number of human beings He has not forgiven in the same span of time at approximately 80 billion.

“Last evening, an individual from the North American continent requested that I forgive him for absconding an article of clothing from a nearby business establishment, and I refused to do so,” God said. “I also refused to forgive a woman who had disciplined her child too harshly, a man who had told a lie to his wife, a young boy who had taken my name in vain, and roughly 200 million others, all in one night, for this is simply my way.”

“And my way cannot be questioned or subverted,” He continued.

God went on to concede that while He understands why humans would, on a purely selfish level, seek to absolve themselves of wrongdoing, it would nonetheless be “an extraordinary waste of time and energy” for any human to seek the Lord’s forgiveness in such a case, and that doing so may in fact only incur a greater degree of His wrath.

In particular, God told reporters He holds a special contempt for those who ask for His mercy tearfully, with hands clasped tightly, while kneeling, or in one’s final moments before dying.

“It is neither my duty nor my inclination to make human beings feel better about who they are or what they do during their short time on earth,” He said. “What does forgiving a human being do for me? How is it to my benefit? It is not. I have held dominion over the cosmos quite successfully for quite some time and I have done so without need or want of a forgiving disposition, and so it is and so it shall always be. I am that I am.”

“If you seek mercy and forgiveness, seek it in your own heart and see if your heart grants it to you,” He continued. “Although, to be honest, I don’t especially care what you do.”