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Embracing Chronic Illness

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Sometimes you’re lucky enough to find your soulmate! But by lucky, I mean you work your ass off for your relationship.

Dillon is my best friend, the one person who I can fight with, love with and grow old with. We have both worked tirelessly on our relationship, and only through that commitment have we arrived on what I like to call soul level.

We started as strangers on Tinder. Both of us previously broken by careless lovers but stubborn enough to not give up on finding “the one.” We have both hurt each other, unintentionally, and by no means is our relationship perfect. There is no such thing as perfect.

However, Dillon was made perfectly for me. He makes me want to be a better person, always pushing me to chase my dreams – even the crazy ones. Always supporting me physically and emotionally, Dillon never leaves me alone.

It’s crazy to think about how our relationship began, the few times we talked about it ending and then to see where we are now. Tonight we went to a Jack Ingram concert with Dillon’s sweet parents, and his step-mom captured this picture of us.

I can’t help but look at this photo and feel loved and proud.

You might just see two people standing there but I see so much more. I see a woman who has to fight for normalcy everyday and yet tonight, she felt absolutely perfect. I see a man who loves her fiercely, despite her short comings and is always by her side to love and protect her.

I have so many halfway written posts saved in my drafts. Great thoughts I began to share, but I haven’t had the energy to finish.

When you’re struggling, how do you know when you’re at your breaking point versus able to keep going? I have just physically been more drained this week and I’m starting to worry it’s because of the puppy. I mean, I have felt bad for almost a year with no upside. At least now I have a little puppy that makes me happy but I think he may also be breaking me down.

These are now my big life decisions, trying to figure out if the 5 pound puppy is making me feel worse, or if it’s just my body being itself.

I’ve tried to write the last few days but couldn’t focus long enough to write down anything meaningful. I’ve been feeling weird lately. I’m not sure what is wrong; nor do I have the energy to figure it out, so I’ve just been doing what I can. I’m going through the motions of life, trying to find joy in what I can, while quietly feeling miserable.

My mind feels like this giant blank space with all of these things trying to push their way to the center of my mind. However, my mind won’t let it happen. It’d rather keep everything out then try and deal with anything these days. It’s comical but probably unhealthy.

I had an interesting therapy session today, and it really caused me to think. I had to admit getting a puppy was a pretty irresponsible decision. I mean, there is a long list of valid reasons why it was a bad idea. However, despite everything, I still feel like getting Hamilton was the right decision for me.

You see, I’ve been struggling to take care of myself for over a year now. I’ve been at my lowest lows and I don’t want to go back there. I’ve climbed this far and I want to see how far I can go. I want to prove to myself that I can take care of this puppy, because if I can, then maybe I really can raise a child.

I make a lot of jokes about not wanting kids, or waiting till later in life but the truth is, I would already have children if I could.

So was getting a puppy to take care of, nurture and teach irresponsible? Definitely. Did it make sense financially or physically? No way. However, was getting the puppy in my best interest? Absolutely.

I want to be challenged. My chronic illness will never go away and I will always have hurdles more frequently than others I know. Even though I continue to trip, fall and bleed, I continue the race. So I’m banged up with tear stained cheeks, it doesn’t mean I quit. I want to know if I could be a good mother to a child, so I’m trying with a puppy.

This experience makes me happy, therefore, I really believe I’m doing what is in my best interest. That’s all one can do in life.

I’ve been having baby fever for awhile now, doesn’t every chronically ill twenty something? But obviously having children isn’t in the cards right now and I don’t if it ever will be. So to curb my desire, I convinced Dillon to let me get another puppy. You know, because people say there are a lot of similarities 😍

This is Hamilton, and his sisters aren’t sure what to do with him yet! He is a spunky 11 week old morkie, weighing in at whopping 4.7 pounds already. He is definitely a chunk, and with the softest hair ever, I’m completely obsessed!

I’ve learned doing little makeovers brings me happiness- but it’s bittersweet. I feel normal in the moment, with my switch flipped on, I’m ready to conquer the world. Then when it’s over and it’s time for me to go home, it hits me like a ton of bricks by the time I’m in Dillon’s truck. It’s as if my body crashes, knowing it doesn’t have to lie anymore. It’s great at pretending but always lets me know how much it hates the game in the days that follow. Despite resistance though, I continue to push myself, through the pain and tears I climb.

A stranger had the audacity to message me on instagram to tell me my negative blog wasn’t helping anyone. Anyone. Last time I checked, I was someone and if it’s helping me, who else am I required to be accountable to?

Better days are always around the next bend, days I’ve dreamed about my whole life. These days suck, anyone with chronic illness knows sucky days. They are negative days, full of endless symptoms, vague doctors and a relentless will to get better. Just because we have a negative disease doesn’t mean we have to be silenced, or made to feel we are harming people by expressing ourselves.

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I wrote this almost 2 months ago but never posted it. Today I decided it was time to share for two very specific reasons.

1. Had I let that person’s negativity get to me, I wouldn’t have continued blogging. I wouldn’t have gotten to connect with so many wonderful people that have helped me in ways I can’t explain.