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It took about 20 seconds for me to lump it in with all the other let's plays that always start off horrible. I don't know how the remaining 14 and a half minutes go, so I'm not judging that.

I always figured a gameplay video with commentary is best done by recording an actual demo, then playing back the demo and speaking over it while you observe what you did. Without openly admitting it during the video, it's not always blatantly obvious to the viewer that that's what you're doing, and will overall make a much better video to watch and listen to. The benefits will include:

-making more poingnant observations (no more "I don't even know what to say about this map ... I don't even know what to say about this map ..." )
-less extended silent gaps between speaking
-speaking in full sentences
-sever your attention away from the distraction of actually playing the game

Sorry to be such a dick about it but I'm speaking from the perspective of someone who hates this bloated genre of youtube videos and you really gotta step it up to make your videos shine.

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To me, the difference between a "let's play" and a "commentary" is that a commentary is usually overlayed audio from prerecorded footage.

Whereas a let's play usually focuses on the game and map itself, it offers a bit of leniency for content in what you say, but requires a bit more enthusiasm.

The commentaries on the other hand can cover a larger topic, more in-depth, as 40oz said about a demo playback. A script helps as well to cover your interests. (eg, you can make lines at specific points in the video where something really juts out and you've to comment on it.)

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balance more your audio from the game audio because you are unhearable... And put some energy in it... Also i tried to do a gameplay like this playing touhou 7 for a italian youtuber contest, but the result was boring....

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I'm gonna disagree with 40oz, I don't like post-commentary at all. I much prefer (and only watch) live commentary videos, especially if the playthroughs are "blind" - the players' first reactions to everything are the only things that interest me in LPs nowadays. Unless it's some very specific thing like an author doing a playthrough of his own creation.