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Bathroom Humor: Modesty Becomes him

I’ve been told that, as a parent, certain things that used to be a big deal to you pre-child don’t really matter as much post-child. Take modesty and Fu**s Given for example. This a story about such things.

I had just gotten home from work. It was a long day and my brain was fried. The only thing on my mind was getting out of my work clothes, and going to the bathroom. I walked up the stairs slowly, trying to muster the energy/courage to deal with the tiny force of nature that was awaiting me on the other side of the door. When I open up the door, I’m greeted by my Mother-in-Law, aka “Mama-Bear.” She asked me if I could drop her off to the Metro so she wouldn’t have to catch the bus. As much as I wanted to just face-plant on the floor and go to sleep, I agreed to drop her off. I told her that I had to go to the bathroom first because my stomach was churning and I needed a minute. All the while, my poor brain is screaming “LET US SLEEP!”

Parent Life. Amirite?

I go to the bathroom, grab a seat and proceed to blow it up like

What? We’re all friends here.

So anyway, I sitting there, lost in thought; parent thoughts. Most noticeably, Where will I find the energy to deal with this kid and find the energy to do what needs to be done around the house? (Spoiler alert: you never find the energy; Stuff either gets done, or it gets tabled until the next time.) While I’m sitting there, I hear my wife shout

ALI!!

Two thoughts sprung to mind: First thought was, that’s the tone of voice she uses when Action is doing something she shouldn’t be doing and I should come get my daughter. The second thought was, “Boy, the Missus’ voice sounds really clear and close. It’s almost like…

…I forgot to close the bathroom door.

F******k. I surely did not close that damn door. All right, time to do damage control. Maybe Mama-Bear and the Missus are in the kitchen and didn’t see me. I slowly, reluctantly turn my head to look

and see both of them staring at me like

The one on the right is how the Missus looked.

Now, this is where being a parent and giving no f**ks comes into play: If this was me pre-kid, I probably would’ve died from embarrassment. However, after having Action busting open the bathroom door on me and just staring at me while I was doing my business for the last two years, I was like

Fuggit.

The Missus then said, “Ah, maybe you wanna close the door now?” Suuure, why not? The damage was already done.

…and then Mama-Bear laughed.

It wasn’t that polite, awkward laugh, no, it was the “You know you are NEVER going to live this down!” laugh. I’ve decided to get ahead of this and tell you guys first, you know, mitigate the damage and all that.

Go ahead, laugh if you must, but I’m willing to bet that all the parents out there know the deal. We’ve all had that “fuggit” moment. I just put mine in writing…after the embarrassment wore off of course.