The most important relationship you'll ever have is the one with yourself.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Meeting Other Monogamous Gay Male Couples

Before Chris and I moved to Metro Vancouver, I was concerned that we'd be the only gay people in a neighborhood largely comprised of families with children. Well, I can confirm since arriving here that the majority of the houses in the area where we live are occupied by families, and most of them have children, particularly under ten years of age. On more than one occasion, I didn't feel like I belong here. We certainly don't fit the local demographic, that's for sure.

On Sunday, when Chris and I left the house to get in the car to drive to Port Coquitlam, I noticed a man on the other side of the street, walking a large dog and turning to look at us repeatedly. I wouldn't call what he was doing "cruising," but his interest in us was unmistakable. And when one man shows an interest in another man--that is, repeatedly looks at him, and they don't know each other--then there's a good chance one or more of them is gay.

As we pulled away from the front of the house, I turned in the front passenger seat to look at the man. He was looking at us through the rear window of the car as we drove away, and was that a smile I saw on his face?

All of this helped me to believe that other gay people live in our neighborhood, somewhere, and that Chris and I aren't the only ones, which I found both comforting and frustrating. It isn't easy for gay people to meet each other, even on a social level, and I wondered if the man had a partner himself, and if the two of them felt isolated in a heterosexual neighborhood, and if they'd like to meet us as much as we'd like to meet them. Maybe we'd become good friends and spend time with each other on weekends, going out for dinner, seeing a movie, enjoying walks along the Fraser River.

Chris and I have always wanted to meet other monogamous, gay male couples, and we've been fortunate enough that that's happened--with Chris (my former boss) and his partner Justin, and Steve and Mike (who now live in Saskatoon), and Bill and Lloyd (the older gay couple I wrote about previously). But, as far as having friendships that bloomed into people we could get together with on a regular basis for outings and good times, that hasn't happened, and, to a large degree, that's isolated Chris and me from the rest of the gay community.

I think Chris's and my relationship would be richer if we had close friendships with other monogamous, gay male couples, but I also worry that, despite how secure our relationships are, we might feel threatened in the company of attractive gay men, that one or more might be sexually attracted to each other, and that could signal the end of what Chris and I share, or severely damage it. I don't think this is insecurity talking, I think it's reality. Chris and I don't have an open relationship. In fact, we both defined our relationship from the beginning by our faithfulness to each other. But that's not necessarily the case with other gay male couples, and I would feel very uncomfortable being around them if that were the case.

At any rate, there's a considerable distance between wanting to meet a presumably gay man walking a dog on the other side of the street, and Chris's and my relationship falling apart because we're friends with another gay male couple who like to play around with other couples.

I wondered if the man walking the dog would make a special effort to walk by our house again in the near future. If he'd cross the street next time and walk on the sidewalk directly in front of our house. If he'd linger nearby, waiting for us to leave the house, finding an excuse to run into us and to talk with us. After all, plenty of straight people in the neighborhood have talked to us since we've arrived. It seems to be the thing people do here. Perhaps gay people would do it as easily as straight people would, with none of the hang-ups of encounters on big city streets, the flirting, interested one minute and not interested the next, lots of eye contact--but not a word spoken.

I also wondered if Chris and I made an effort to frequent the neighborhood coffee shop, easy walking distance from the house, we might see the gay man there, dog in hand, eager to introduce himself, to talk about himself and his partner, and how conveniently close they live to us.

The weather's taken a turn for the worse this past week, and Chris is still trying to get used to his new work routine--rising early and going to bed early, so he can get to and from work--so we haven't had the opportunity to be social butterflies in the neighborhood. But I suppose the opportunity to meet other gay people is always there, and, if it's meant to be, we might just find ourselves face to face with another gay male couple, who will make our transition to the neighborhood a little easier, and who will help us feel more like we belong.

The other day, I saw a lesbian couple walk their dog on the same side of the street as the man previously. One of them was unmistakably masculine, in a way that even I'm not, while the other appeared more feminine. I have to assume they're from the neighborhood, too. I can't imagine that they drive their dog all the way from Vancouver just to walk it in a pastoral setting.

If there's a gay male and a lesbian couple in the neighborhood, there have to be other gay people too, right? I'm sure it's only a matter of time before we meet some of them. I look forward to that.

Good to hear from you. And, yes, it is truly sad. Since I wrote this post going on two years ago, I'm disappointed to advise Chris and I never met the man walking his dog on the other side of the street, so we have no idea if he's part of a couple. And we haven't met any gay male couples either. Which still leaves us more or less stranded in the Fraser Valley.By any chance, have you just joined my blog as a Follower under the name of ellenare? Just curious. Thanks for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate it.

Sorry it has taken so long to reply to this. Since we got married and have a son in college and career changes for one of us since my post....have not had the time to get on line alot.Yes, I had joined the blog and responded back in 2011 because had done a search for resources for monogamous gay couples...and your blog came up in the search. I enjoyed reading the posts. Yes, at times we do feel stranded here in the valley apart from our straight friends and family.

Ellenare, imagine my surprise when I received your reply…two and a half years after I responded to your first comment. Incredible. How you remembered–or why you remembered–to follow-up on this, after so much went on in your life, is beyond me. But I appreciate it. Amazing.

I'm afraid Chris and I are still on our own out where we live. We haven't introduced ourselves to the gay couple we've seen walking their dog, although we've said hi to them in passing. We haven't made the effort, and they haven't either, so that must say something.

Truth be told, we got burned badly by one of our neighbors a couple years ago, so Chris and I are staying low-key now. I don't want to repeat that experience any time soon.

I appreciate your interest in my blog and your consideration in responding after such a long time. All the best.

I do hear you about getting burned...we have experienced that when reaching out to other same sex couples. Sometimes I think alot of other same sex couples do not have a blue print to follow and thus get destructive in relationships with other couples. My husband and I come from the same background and I guess share strong values when it comes to the sanctity of relationships and married with the full understanding that monogamy means just that in all its fullness. Keep writing good material Rick....I think there are more like us out there...but we just keep to ourselves...probably out of self protection, partly because I think we have nothing to prove anymore. :-)

I think you describe why Chris and I are hesitant to befriend other same sex couples. We are very secure within our relationship, and there isn't a lot of drama in our lives, which we appreciate. In that sense, Chris and I are very happy to have a settled and peaceful life.

The last thing we want to do is meet another same-sex couple and find ourselves in a destructive situation, as you put it. Our life together is too good to allow that to happen, just for the sake of making friends with other gay people.

Still, the isolation does get to me from time to time, and I can't help but think we're missing out on not having more terrific people in our lives to share fun and interesting experiences with.

Thanks for the compliment about writing good material. I really appreciate your kindness.

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About Me

I'm a 56-year-old writer, who lives in Metro Vancouver, and I've been in a loving, committed, and monogamous relationship with a wonderful man for twenty-three years.
While I've used my blog to write on different subjects over the past four years, currently, you'll find the majority of posts about my relationship with Chris; my experience as a gay man; and self-esteem as it relates to gay people.
My intention is to help you on your journey to become a fully-realized gay or lesbian person. I hope you find something here that resonates with you, and you'll come back often. Please leave a comment on any post that interests you or send me an email. I want to hear what you have to say.