Ask Amy: Debate on marriage continues

Thursday

Jan 31, 2008 at 5:00 AM

READERS OFFER THEIR OPINIONS ON THE IMPORTANCE OF MARRIAGE

DEAR READERS: A couple of months ago, I ran a letter from "Thoughtful in Ontario." "Thoughtful" was in a committed and loving live-in relationship. She and her boyfriend were struggling with a big question -- the point of marriage. I responded that marriage signified a deepening of their commitment and that making this declaration publicly involved the community in their future. I invited readers to respond.

Here is a sampling.

DEAR AMY: My partner and I had committed to each other in our hearts and didn't feel the need to marry as proof of that commitment. However, the government sees things differently.

Inheritance, retirement accounts, home ownership, social security (particularly if one partner dies young), power of attorney and the right to make medical decisions for each other are contingent on a person's marital status.

Marriage provides quantum leaps of legal rights in all of these areas. -- Married for Legal Reasons

DEAR AMY: I am not against marriage, but I am against people marrying for the sake of getting married.

Most women I know dream of their wedding day but often focus on only the wedding and not the marriage itself. Until both people have a good reason to marry and feel they should, then no one else should tell them otherwise. -- Happily Unmarried

DEAR AMY: Historically, marriage has been imposed upon us by religion and society. I can relate to others who question what it means.

I have lived with my partner for 12 years, and we were friends for nine years before that. I am more committed to him than I would be if we were married.

My partner and I want to remain individuals within the relationship. I have my own identity and finances, and I reserve the right to remain independent in those areas.

Families should be the result of love and commitment, not a business enterprise. -- Happily Committed

DEAR AMY: If you want to own property together, have children or be each other's next of kin to make medical or end-of-life decisions, getting married is the best way to establish those relationships definitively and minimize the level of interference from others in these areas.

Internationally, commitment laws are changing, but it will be many years, if ever, before committed relationships outside marriage are treated the same way legally as marriages.

I, for one, would not want to be a test case. -- A Romantic N.Y. Lawyer

DEAR AMY: As half of a gay couple living in a U.S. state where it is illegal to marry my partner, I'd like to say that "Thoughtful in Ontario" is lucky to have the option to marry. -- Gay in Virginia

DEAR AMY: A close friend of mine lost her mate of 10 years suddenly. He was in good health, so it was quite tragic. She had to watch as his parents (with whom he was not close) stepped in and made decisions about how he was laid to rest and how his money would be dispersed.

Seeing this made me understand far more deeply the importance of marriage. -- Saddened

DEAR AMY: Apart from religious and symbolic meaning, marriage confers rights to such things as Social Security benefits, employer health insurance coverage, pension benefits, inheritance rights, the right to make medical decisions in the event of incapacity of a spouse, and, of course, rights to division of property and possible spousal support in the event of divorce. -- SE in Ft. Lauderdale

DEAR AMY: As two women in love, we never thought we'd get the chance to experience what our straight friends had when they married. Though our marriage was not legal or particularly religious, it was recognized as sacred by the people who meant the most to us. And that meant the world to us.

We would encourage the thoughtful couple in Ontario to consider marrying as a gift to themselves and those who love them. It is a priceless gift. -- Pam and Trish From Seattle