Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate.

‘True Blood’: Billith Cam, 4Ever

The spirit is speaking and it’s telling me True Blood is back, squirrelfriends!

It’s finally summer and time for the return of everyone’s favorite supernatural musclefest, Teen Wolf! JK JK* (*not really JK that show is amazing.) I am sure everyone has been waiting with bated breath for the triumphant(?) return of True Blood, and to finally have an answer to the hotly debated question: just what in the world is Billith?? SPOILERS: Nobody really knows! At least not yet! But one thing is for certain, Billith Cam is the BEST THING EVER. Stephen Moyer directed the season premiere, and I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume he’s the one who came up with the brilliant idea to have us see Billith’s rise through the eyes of Billith himself. This is seriously the best decision he’s made since developing & sticking with that marvelously bad accent he’s chosen. “Ah dew nawt know wut ah ehm, Jessuhcuh.” BRILLIANT AT YOUR CRAFT, THAT’S WHAT YOU ARE, STEPHEN MOYER. But enough about you! For now! Let’s talk about the rest of the show!

In keeping with the show’s insistence that this season is going to be so much more streamlined than the past few seasons with a lot fewer storylines (and if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you), I’m going to keep my posts shorter. At least until this show gets bloated again and we HAVE to talk about it. I give it two weeks!

1. Billith Cam. Billith Cam. BILLITH CAM.

2. Nora claims the Vampire Bible says nothing about the possibilities of resurrection, but it does mention Warlow, the vampire who’s stalking Sookie’s whole life up and down the boardwalk, and he just happens to be Lilith’s progeny.

3. After Sookie steps in front of Jason’s gun to prevent him from shooting Nora for glamouring him into telling her what he knew about Warlow, Jason runs off and the camera just keeps panning back to him. The only way this would have been better is if he’d been Prancercising.

4. Jess gets summoned by Billith and it causes her to cough up blood. It’s super gross and everyone decides to follow Jess to him rather than let her die in a puddle of blood vomit. Which is a great decision because if anything happens to Jess I will STOP WATCHING THIS SHOW.

5. Pam & Tara hooked up on the beach! Even though Pam hates beaches because of fish pee and sand in your lady bidness! That’s true love, if you ask me.

6. It took 24 minutes for Alcide to show up and take his shirt off, and only after he’d eaten the arm of the former pack master.

7. But then the next time Alcide shows up, the first thing we see is his butt!

8. But then he had a weird threesome with some nameless girl in his pack and that girl he sort of hung out with who calls herself his “#1 Bitch” or “HBIC” I don’t even know, put it on a trucker hat and call it a day.

9. Luna died, no1curr, RIP GURL.

10. Sam has to take Luna’s daughter on the run, but first Lafayette consoles her by making her something fried in sugar and fried again because he’s the best.

11. The governor of Louisiana basically declared war on vampires at a press conference and was then immediately glitter bombed blood bombed by a fangbanger. He is not Stanley Tucci.

12. The governor has a secret meeting with an exec from Tru Blood and offers to give her a free bottling facility in order to build revenue for the state, regardless of the war he just started with vampires just a few hours prior. He is still not Stanley Tucci.

13. Sookie and Jess find Billith on the roof of Chez Compton, where he’s ambushed by a flying Nora & Eric. Billith is about to kill Eric but Sookie stakes him through the heart!

14. The stake proves useless as Billith pulls it clean through his chest and swears he’s still Bill Compton, but not like a regular Bill Compton, he’s a cool Bill Compton.

15. Jess feels betrayed by Sookie and kicks everyone out, deciding to stay with Bill. He brings her a glass of Tru Blood later that she almost spills on the floor but Bill has new telekinetic powers and can also cause minor earthquakes and then gets possessed(?) by four other bloodsoaked vampire ghost ladies because sure why not?

16. Terry & Arlene adorably teach Andy Bellefleur how to change the diapers of his four new fairy babies, and he seems like he’s going to be a great dad!

17. But then he’s woken up in the middle of the night by his four new fairy babies who have suddenly grown into four new fairy toddlers!

18. Eric gives Sookie her house back (by signing a letter in blood, no less) and Sookie rescinds his invitation to her house almost immediately. The way he glides out is nearly as ridiculous as Jason’s prancercise.

19. Jason finally stopped prancercising up and down the gulf coast and got picked up by the incomparable Rutger Hauer!

20. Rutger Hauer says he had family in Bon Temps a long time ago and asks Jason to talk about his family because it’s a long car ride and will help pass the time.

21. Jason catches Rutger Hauer up to speed on how his sister is all sorts o’ craycray, and Rutger Hauer tells him he can’t protect Sookie from Warlow because Rutger Hauer admits he is Warlow.

22. Rutger/Warlow vanishes into thin air as Jason tries to shoot him, and the car goes careening into a tree! Possibly! Not sure, but get well soon, Jason! I hope you didn’t wreck your beautiful face!

So what did y’all think?

The previews make it look like this season’s going to be pretty fun and interesting! I have medium expectations! The past few seasons have been pretty shaky, but it sounds like things are moving in a pretty great direction. Plus, Rutger Hauer! I’ll miss Russell Edgington, I’m sad he can’t just be the permanent villain forever. But if losing one Russell Edgington means gaining one Rutger Hauer, then I’ll take it! I’m a bit confused with the whole Warlow thing, because he’d been talked about leading up to this as being related to Sookie & Jason. Which may have been a misdirection. Or could still be true. It seemed that way in the preview for upcoming episodes when Rutger/Warlow told Sookie that he’d been watching her all her life, he said it in a more protective way than malicious. So I guess we’ll wait and see!

Plus the whole thing with the governor storyline. It’s nice to see for once the villain not being a supernatural creature. Part of what made the first season so interesting was the huge mystery of who was killing all these people in Bon Temps, and to find out that instead of a vampire it was actually a murderous psychopathic human. A big issue with how the show’s progressed since then is how each season they’ve tried to outdo themselves with how bombastic the Big Bad is. I mean, you guys, we went from that to having several convoluted storylines last season that included a Smoke-Monster-Fire-Demon Ifrit chasing Terry Bellefleur all over the US for reasons I’m still trying to forget. That was ridiculous! And unnecessary! So here’s hoping that never happens again, and the writers have learned that sometimes the biggest bads are human beings themselves. Whooaaa, blew your minds.

What do you think? Are you happy with where the show’s going this season? What was your most/least favorite part of the premiere? And more importantly, who is watching Teen Wolf with me tomorrow??

Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate.