Your source for pointless, nobody-cares-but-us movie reviews. We grade movies on a 1-10 scale (1 = It sucked my soul out through my eyes and 10 = I'm buying the DVD so I can tuck it under my pillow at night and sing little songs to it.)

Sunday, March 27, 2011

There are SO many things I could say about this movie. Nothing quite explains it.

I could say that if THE MATRIX and BURLESQUE had a daughter who happened to be dating TRON (but who is secretly sexting 300 on the side) then she would look exactly like SUCKER PUNCH.

I could attempt to explore, in some pseudo-psychological fashion, concepts like social isolation, self-imposed powerlessness vs internalized empowerment, and then contemplate the tendency westerners have for making even the tritest of cliches seem more weighty by simply adding some Asian-looking scenery.

I could mention that the film was seriously beautiful and the action sequences were amazing (having been choreographed by Damon Caro who also did 300, WATCHMEN, and all the BOURNE films.) I probably should mention that I gave it the score of 6 simply because they used my favorite Bjork song. (Yes, Army of Me is my favorite Bjork song.) Well, and because there was a happy bunny face painted on a flying robot death machine. I liked that too. =)

I could do some research on what institutions for the mentally ill in the 1950's were really like and mention that frontal lobotomies are the CREEPIEST THING EVER!!! Ever. Did I say ever? Because I meant EVER. Also, I could possibly wonder at a writer/producer/director who is willing to make a whole movie about them. Why? What compelled him to do this and what does this say about him?

But, I'm gonna skip all of that stuff and go with this:Sometimes men are the biggest girls.

No really. The overall problem with SUCKER PUNCH was the way the pace was constantly being thrown off for yet another weepy/huggy/giggly/poorly-acted alleged girl-bonding moment. Those poor women had just barely gotten their fake eyelashes dried off when they were forced to cry again while rushing through some shallow lip service about sticking together or sacrifice. Women don't act like that. Men, contrary to what they say, DO. (Though I expect they more often manfully choke back their tears.) In this Age of the Man-Child a movie about a tiny person who is swept along by powerful (economic?) forces beyond her (his?) control from which fantasy (or self-chosen lobotomization) is the only escape has got to have a deep-seated appeal. Well, that and none of the women can be bothered to wear pants.

Anyway, that's my take on SUCKER PUNCH. Also, Vanessa Hudgens sucks and I want a really big gun for my birthday - but only if it has a pink bunny on it. =)

ADDENDUM:

Upon review I have decided that if the script were taken, as is, and performed by Sylvester Stallone (Baby Doll), Jason Statham (Sweet Pea), Randy Couture (Rocket), Jet Li (Amber), David Zayas (Blondie), and Mickey Rourke (Wise Man), then it would be a much better movie. It would also then be THE EXPENDABLES (and far less pretty.) But it would be more emotionally honest which is a win in my book.