Kevin Haas: At reunion, stick with the facts’

Friday

Jan 22, 2010 at 12:01 AMJan 22, 2010 at 9:19 PM

I have eight months to think of a good lie. That’s how far away I am from my high school class reunion, 10 years since I graduated from Rockford Boylan Central Catholic Suit-and-Tie Every Day Tuck Your Shirt In High School. Things haven’t changed much. I work at the same place, I still wear a tie every day, and I would probably still run a basketball line drill at the drop of a hat, if Coach Steve Goers yelled at me.

Kevin Haas

I have eight months to think of a good lie.

That’s how far away I am from my high school class reunion, 10 years since I graduated from Boylan Central Catholic Suit-and-Tie Every Day Tuck Your Shirt In High School.

Things haven’t changed much. I work at the same place, I still wear a tie every day, and I would probably still run a basketball line drill at the drop of a hat, if Coach Steve Goers yelled at me.

By the time you get to a reunion, things are supposed to be different. We were all supposed to be the first United States president to cure cancer while living on the moon. But I have serious doubts that even three or four of us have accomplished that goal.

That’s why I need to lie. I’ve seen enough Hollywood moving pictures to know that’s what high school reunions are all about.

That’s why I’m creating a list of “reunion facts.” Reunion facts aren’t real facts, but they’re close enough that if you keep repeating them, people might believe you. It’s the political pundit philosophy of storytelling.

For example:

Fact: I still live in my parents’ house.

Reunion fact: I have a nice place on the east side with two roommates.

The problem is that “reunion facts” can be a slippery slope that leads to bigger lies.

Fact: Just like in high school, I still can’t grow a full beard.

Reunion fact: I was late to the reunion because I was busy shaving my glorious full beard, which, if I let grow for one day, makes me look like Dumbledore.

Follow-up reunion fact: Not that I know who Dumbledore is, because I’m too busy doing adult stuff and can’t waste time waiting in line at midnight to see the release of that movie.

Fact: I’m single. (For more background on this, see the first fact).

Reunion fact: My wife, supermodel Brooklyn Decker, couldn’t be here today because she’s at home taking care of our five kids. We have so many children because my wife, who I’ll again emphasize is supermodel Brooklyn Decker, and I “do it” a lot.

Rockford Register Star columnist Kevin Haas is doing unbelievably well for himself since high school. He can be reached at (815) 987-1354 or khaas@rrstar.com. This column is the opinion of the writer and not of the newspaper.