Monday, 29 November 2010

Strange Searches

Image via WikipediaI occasionally dip into SiteMeter to take a look at what brings people here and the results are always wildly unpredictable. Sometimes people search for mad things or things that are completely at odds with the content here but which happen because of some odd pairing of words. Sometimes people look for the oddest of things. And sometimes the arcane laws of Google and SEO mean that people actually find what they're looking for here, rather than in the 'right' place. The titles are linked to the pages you gets with the searches...

Fake Plastic Whore Face
This little joy from Google Germany leads to a post about one of those Dubai bashing articles, so the lone pervert bashing away at his (her?) keyboard in search of odd things got rather bilked by this search. I wonder what it is?

Negative reaktion crédit agricole green banking
I'm quite proud of this one, because all sorts of searches like "crédit agricole green banking", "credit agricole greenwashing connery" and, in fact, 'Negative reaction crédit agricole green banking" get a first page result and so lots and lots of people have dropped by to see what the fuss was all about. The Times sums it all up quite nicely here. The ads, as egregious a piece of greenwashing as you could want to see, don't run any more, but I frequently use them in workshops and the like as the perfect greenwashing example. Oh, and those hotel towel washing notices, too...

Tantalise your tastebuds
This is Google irony at its finest. In posting a rant about this most irritating phrase used in hotel radio advertising, I have now ensured that I own the damn thing on Google. I'm obviously happier about owning "nmkl pjkl ftmch"...

mish mushkila ya habibi meaning
It's always amused me wildly that the most popular thing I've written in something like three years of bloggery was the silly post about 'Ten Word Arabic', which posited that there are only ten words you really need to know in order to survive in the Arab World. Apart from being picked up by a big US blog (which saw a huge and wholly transient spike in readers) it has consistently led to people landing here whenever they search "Arabic Akid" or "what does arabic mushkila mean"? (It means you're screwed, pally). So I suppose it at least does some good...

what is mineralised water
It rather surprises me that this silly little blog in the middle of nowhere is the second search result for this phrase, but all sorts of search phrases such as "Aquafina TDS" lead to here, which is another great source of pride for me as my post explores the fact that Aquafina is tap water that is filtered and then re-mineralised with a mix supplied by Pepsi, something that few people appear to know and which the water's branding conveniently avoids.

social media tart
Another slice of Google irony - in giving myself this label I have now thoroughly conferred it upon myself - this here blog is number two search result for the phrase. I'm a little less certain about wanting ownership of the honorific these days... :)

Fake this, fake that
I get people landing here looking for all sorts of fakery, including fake plastic chicken, fake plastic trumpets, fake plastic pottery and so on and so on ad infinitum. Never Fake Plastic Trees, for some reason...

Nipple souk
I am truly at a loss. IS there a nipple souk somewhere in the world, filled with stalls of tiny temptations? Or is it just a mildly dysfunctional fantasy? Only a search can tell...

Strange searches
Posting these strange searches has meant I now own this phrase too. Because Google gives blogs more SEO than I would (strange, but true) argue they deserve, top level text (ie blog post titles) tends to do really, really well in search. I consciously decide not to title posts for SEO preferring instead a title consistent with the content, but what I lose in SEO I gain in the collection of oddball searches that occasionally lighten my days...

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I write books, I consult on publishing, media and digital communications, I cook. I spend quite a lot of my time laughing and do try not to be a stick-waving, spittle-flecked angry old man. I fail in this occasionally.