The New Hampshire Debate In Four Minutes

Here is your New Hampshire GOP Primary Debate, which HuffPost's Hunter Stuart has heroically condensed into a four minute helping, in case you were unable or unwilling to watch it last night.

Key takeaways include the fact that the GOP candidates have had a lot of children, and some of them may have been among the four thousand delivered by Ron Paul. Maybe you were delivered by Ron Paul, who knows? You should probably go check your long-form birth certificate and find out.

Also, the candidates have a tenuous relationship with CNN moderator John King. Yes, they will reluctantly submit to his idiotic "this or that" questions. Leno or Conan? iPhone or Blackberry? Thin crust or deep dish? Snap, Crackle or Pop? 'The ending of "Inception" was real or the ending of "Inception" was a dream or I did not see "Inception" because it was made by godless Hollywood homosexuals, you must decide right now, for the amusement of jobless America. But while the candidates would suffer this foolishness gladly, they would not, under any circumstance, heed King's urgings to stop talking and let the debate continue. (Which is only fair, considering CNN promised a "no rules" debate only to try to start imposing them once it began.)

Let's see: Herman Cain does not trust the Muslims that are apparently trying to kill him to run the Department of Health and Human Services. Michele Bachmann gives President Barack Obama a failing grade. Also, everyone hates abortion!

Oh, and Mitt Romney said, "It's time for us to bring our troops home." Really? Oh, thank God for that! You really don't know how great it is to hear -- oh, wait, you're not done talking? And you actually want to add a lot of equivocations? Okay, Mittens, go ahead, "As soon as we possibly can, consistent with the, uh ... the word that comes from our generals that we can hand the country over to the Taliban military in a way that they are able to defend themselves ... excuse me, it should be the Afghan military to defend themselves from the Taliban." Today, everyone will be making fun of Romney for saying "Taliban" when he meant to say "Afghan," but really, the bigger mistake was that he said, "It's time to bring the troops home," when he clearly meant to say, "It's not time to bring the troops home, at all, sorry, parent of a troop or some troops."