The Mama/Doula Diaries

Friday, November 22, 2013

Yeah so, I know a bunch of you lost all your pregnancy weight while in labor, cause you were doing your crunches! Five minutes after getting home, all those lunges from the car to your front door really paid off. Or you're just so damn awesome that you only gained 5 pounds during your pregnancy and now you weigh less than before! Yay, good for you. But, I'm not talking to you witches. You ladies can go brag elsewhere.I'm talking to the rest of us, the woman that aren't 5'8" 110 pounds. Am I the only one still wearing maternity pants? I've lost about 20 pounds and have another 20 to go but, I'm not sure if my size 6's are ever going to fit over my huge ass and hips again. I also had to go up a size in my shirts to fit over these gigantic melons that sprouted up where my normal sized C breasts used to be. Note: If you happen to be a 5'8", 110 pound lady don't get your panties in a bunch. You know were all jealous of you and your size 2 ass!Okay, so today I'm rockin the "Matpants" (as I've been referring to them now) out and about running errands. They've gotten a little baggy and as the day progressed as did their decent south. They've decided to take my underwear hostage and I'm beginning to feel my bare ass up against the back panel. Oh, crap! What am I supposed to to? I can't really hike up the whole shebang in the middle of the Target. So, I carefully maneuver myself into a squat in attempt to force everything back up into it's rightful place. Then it happened, I achieved what I thought was virtually impossible in the matpant...MASSIVE BUTTCRACK, right there in the cereal isle! Now, I'm not talking like 2-3 inches. I'm talking like getting ready to take a pee in the woods on a camping trip kinda crack, half my ass was on display right there next to the Rice Krispies and believe me, my ass is all marshmallow and no treat so, those Rice Krispies didn't want none of it. I've decided to hang up my matpants in shame. They may see this ass again but, God willing there better be a good reason I need extra space in my jeans...like maybe Thanksgiving!

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About Me

I am a wife, mother and birth doula. My passion is birth, birth education, parenting, basically anything to do with the female body. I've got the parts, might as well learn everything I can about what I'm working with. Oh...and sarcasm, I am a fan of the sarcasm. You should probably check out my website www.GBDoula.com...seriously!