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In the first extreme, the author writes dialogue as though it is straight from a college textbook. The characters never say “who” when they ought to say “whom,” and they always speak in full sentences with perfect grammar. Unrealistic, though satisfying to any English teacher.

Dialogue should be a readable version of every day language.

I am rather confused. To whom should I address this letter?

Weak, rambling, and annoying. I recommend a middle ground. Follow the relaxed tone of natural speech, but cut out nonfunctional words, and keep the dialogue clean and focused.

Stilted, pompous, and annoying. In the second extreme the author write dialogue exactly as it is spoken. Like and y’know are perfectly acceptable, characters interrupt each other constantly, the topic meanders, and it takes about a page of back-and-forth exchange between characters to establish the topic and come to a resolution. Realistic, but overwhelming for the reader.

It’s, like, I’m really confused, y’know? Who should I… What address should I put here? On the envelope, I mean.

I’m sorry, but I’m confused. What address should I write on the envelope?

Don't be afraid of "said."

Again, there are two extremes. In the first extreme, the author overuses the word said, and dialogue is completely expressionless. In the second extreme, the author is terrified of the word said. Emotion must scream off the page with every line of dialogue, and the poor reader finds himself overwhelmed with adjectives and drama. Again, I recommend a middle ground. Said is a perfectly good word. If my characters aren’t saying anything in a particularly exciting way, I use said. Other neutral words include reply, respond, explain, or inform. If my characters need more drama, I have multiple options at my disposal. Angry: snap, scold, berate, bark, spit. Afraid: whisper, whimper, stutter. Amused: chuckle, guffaw, chortle. One author (with whom I agree) suggested that you should only use words that imply actual speaking, not words that imply an action. For example, you would not write:

“I think he was teasing you,” John grinned.

Grins don’t speak. You might modify it like this:

“I think he was teasing you,” John said, grinning.

There are some cases in which you can drop “said” altogether. For example, if only two people are speaking with each other, then after you have introduced the speakers once or twice, the reader should be able to follow which character is speaking, even without clarification.

“Who saw the theft?” Inspector Grant asked. “She did,” Mr. Wu replied. “She? What was her name?” “She.” “I asked her name.” “And I gave it. Her name is Xi. It is spelled X-I and it is pronounced she.”“Oh. I see.”

Notice how cumbersome the passage becomes once you clarify the speaker at each segment of dialogue.

Replace said words with body language.

This is one of my favorite techniques, because it is both clean and detailed. Let us return to our intrepid inspector for an example of how this might work.

“Who saw the theft?” Inspector Grant asked. “She did,” Mr. Wu replied. “She?” The inspector’s pencil poised over the pad. “What was her name?” Mr. Wu’s face remained expressionless. “She.” “I asked her name.” “And I gave it. Her name is Xi. It is spelled X-I and it is pronounced she.” “Oh.” Inspector Grant blinked. “I see.”

I suggest including only one body language note per line of dialogue, in order to avoid clutter, and I further suggest not using that technique on every line of dialogue, in order to keep the momentum of the conversation. What is a dialogue pet peeve of yours? What techniques work well for you to keep dialogue clear, rich, and focused? Share in the comments below!

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My pet peeve would be when an author is afraid of "said" and breaks open the thesaurus to come up with alternatives. It's very annoying and pulls me out of a story. Second would be when dialogue contains a lot of exclamation points.