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February 26, 2009

It's Raining It's Pouring

Yesterday I picked out flowers for Beth and the lady preparing the arrangement engaged me in conversation about the circumstances for such lovely daisies in a blue vase.

Her eyes brimmed with tears the entire time she trimmed each stem and positioned it just so. She lost a baby in between her two sons. She always wonders if it was her girl.

The other woman working stopped to join us and gently spoke of her own three losses. I told them how special Beth was to me, and the boys, how important it was to remember them and they nodded and agreed and they took a moment to remember, too.

In the parking lot Gray picked up a broken pen and as I tried to get it out of his hands real fast we both ended up with blue ink all over us. Oh were we a pair.

I half thought that I was glad he wasn't in church clothes and same for me, and then I was filled with emotion and thanks. It's that messy stuff of life that makes you aware of the now and being in the present. If it weren't for that darn broken pen on the asphalt I would have just plopped him in his car seat and been on our way to the next place, my mind somewhere else thinking busy thoughts.

Instead we had a moment. One that he remembered, too, because when we were out and about today Gray told me he wouldn't ever pick up pens in parking lots again.

The other day we were doing other errands, as usual, filling our morning again with empty busyness that seemed so urgent and important at the time but now I can't even recall where we were even going. Gray grabbed my breath by saying, Mommy, thank you for hanging out with me.

All along I was thinking I was dragging him from place to place, little luggage that asks lots of questions, and he found that to be precious time with his Mommy.I huff and puff and sigh and tut tut about my time. I'm living day in and day out with other lives here, wings open and shelter... from way down there and underneath they seem to have a way better view and understanding.

I find myself scheduling and making plans and spending time with friends and their kids. And then, I take Bub to the car wash with me, just us, and we have the kind of day I wish I could have captured on film.

Absolutely beautiful. You always provide the best reminders as to why I'm doing what I'm doing. Your kids are lucky to have you. Your friends are lucky to have you. Your readers, myself included, are lucky to have you. The world is lucky to have you. Thanks for the beautiful writing.

I'm so thankful for your posts lately. I've been identifying with all of these same emotions, and I'm starting to think that maybe I'm normal and not just over-emotional from wacky pregnancy hormones. :) Thank you for your thoughts and sharing them with us. I really appreciate it.

Online is where I've found the most mothers talking about losing babies, including miscarriages. I've often wonder why we shy away from it so much in real life. Fear of questions? Fear of sadness? Fear of saying the wrong thing?Usually when we start sharing other women start opening up and telling their story. It makes us both feel better.

The loss is hard…SO hard…and in many ways it is comforting to hear that others have experience it’s pain, though I always feel their pain along with mine. I understand about the stopping to take in the moments of life, the moments of our children. It is so easy to get caught up in the everyday, the hustle and go. I had one of those days today…I thought I needed to go go go…but I stopped. I came home with my daughter and we baked brownies, read books, played on the swing, and played games. It was the best afternoon I have had all week. I forget how lucky I am to have such a beautiful daughter, and like you said, I am lucky to hang out with her. Thank you for a beautiful post.

Isn't it great how kids enjoy the simplest things in life. Big Brother and I go grocery shopping together alone every week. It may be a regular mundane errand but we use it as one on one time. I try to remember that kind of thing on a daily basis. I get caught up in all that has to be done too but I try.

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

You are an amazing writer. Your words have a way of capturing and connecting with people. Or it may just be that your words are very easy to relate too. Thank you, I needed to hear that, I will try to not let my everyday get in the way of noticing what really matters.

How sweet for Gray to say that! Nothing fills your heart like when your child expresses their love for you. Kiddo and I were watching TV the other day (in "Mommy's room" which he loves because he gets to come up on our big bed,) and he reached over and held my hand without me asking him to! Brought tears to my eyes!

Emma gave me so much clarity yesterday during a not so great moment. And I find I constantly need these little reminders of how much the icky stuff of the day doesn't matter when we are with the most precious things on earth. Our babies... They are hard. They are exhausting. But boy oh boy do they give a love not found anywhere else. Thank you, God, for my two little energizer bunnies!