Dumbass Pages

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Cat Box Chaos (And Alcohol) Lead to Feline Felony!

This is a Dumbass Golden Oldie. The reference to surgery is dated. I had the (almost) nut cuttin' done back in January. In lieu of flowers, send money.

The Post-Op Healing For Surgery In the Region Near the Fearless Leader's Manhood is not going so well.

On Thursday, January 16, I had a surgical procedure performed to correct a hernia.

It was a doozy.

The hernia, not the procedure.

However, as you Dumbasses of the Male Persuasion can easily postulate, any time a medical device honed to the sharpness of a Samurai sword is used in the general area of a man'sthingy, anxiety, much swelling and the lingering feeling of a sun-hot fireplace poker being rammed into your Groinal Region are your constant companions.

I am on a first name basis with Anxiety, Much Swelling and the Lingering Feeling of a Sun-Hot Fireplace Poker Being Rammed Into Your Groinal Region. I'll be better in a day or two.

Earlier this year my family and I adopted a cat from the local Humane Society through Petsmart.

Her name is Lou Lou.

Lou Lou

On October 11 Lou Lou celebrated her 3rd birthday. We know that October 11 is her birthday because it was written on the little info card attached to her cage at Petsmart.

And my ten year old daughter said so.

Thus, it is.

Before we went out and brought Lou Lou into our family, I told the aforementioned ten year old and her six year old sister that taking care of a cat ain't easy. I explained to them that there are certain responsibilities that come with pet ownership - feeding her, making sure her water thing is full (and clean), brushing her, etc. And by "etc." I mean "Cat Box Turd Removal Duty".

I told The Girls that if we got a cat that it would be their job to do all the feeding, watering, brushing and Cat Box Turd Removal Duty. "OK, Daddy!", they gleefully (and loudly) agreed.

I was so proud of them.

For about three days. Long story short, after about three days of diligently doing Lou Lou-related chores.....

I think you get where I am going with this.

Speaking of cats....

75 Miles Northeast of the Dumbass DomeUp in Bangor, a Cat Owner Lady Without a Telephone went to her neighbor's apartment to (ta da!) ask to use the the telephone!

The Neighbor With the Telephone had a visitor who was less than receptive to the idea that The Cat Owner Lady Without a Telephone had knocked on the door asking to (ta da!) use the telephone. The Visitor began to scream at The Cat Owner Lady Without a Telephone that "the whole building reeks of a foul aroma because you are somewhat lax in performing your duly appointed Cat Box Turd Removal Duty." OK, he actually said "this building smells like sweaty swamp donkey ass because you won't clean the cat shit out of the litter box, you skanky bitch!"

Or something very similar.

The Visitor then proceeded to shove The Cat Owner Lady Without a Telephone to the ground and smack her around.

Now, I am against smacking around Cat Owner Ladies Without Telephones unless it is necessary to the plot. In this case, it was clearly not necessary to the plot. The ensuing Police Report says that The Visitor was "visibly intoxicated". You don't say!The Visitor is now a guest of the Penobscot County Crossbar Hilton.

He has been assigned Single Visible Cold Steel Toilet in An 8 x 8 Cell Prisoner Turd Removal Duty.