Wednesday, July 13, 2011

"I hear congratulations are in order, my elephantine friend." I heard Bob's voice, but I was too famished to even bother asking what elephantine meant. Besides, I was pretty sure it was NOT the compliment he was pretending it to be. "Did you hear me, my corpulent companion?" I swear, ever since Bob discovered that "Word of the Day" app on his human's smart phone he's been impossible. "I was just observing that you've lost a few pounds."

"I did not lose those pounds," I retorted. "They were stolen from me! Stolen as surely as Miss R. has begun to mix my magnificent Fancy Feast with.....with......with...." I couldn't finish the thought. It seemed irreverent to use the word diet food in the same sentence as Fancy Feast.

"No! It makes me hungry! I'm hungry, Bob, and the only thing waiting for me in my food dish is that tainted Fancy Feast. It's a cruel, cruel world, Bob." I sighed and dropped my head into my paws in what I hoped was a dramatic fashion.

"Well, if you followed my example and exercised more you'd burn more calories and be able to eat a bit more." He did one of his yoga poses called The Plank to prove his point, the show-off.

"I do exercise," I insisted. "I run a lot."

"Running to your food dish does not count as exercise."

"Oh," I mumbled. "Well, that's not the only time I run, I'll have you know."

"Well, running to catch the nearest sunbeam for a nap also fails to count as exercise." Dang it! Just then Miss Kitty dropped onto the deck seemingly out of no where. She has a way of doing that. I scrambled to a sitting position and sucked in my massive gut as best as I could.

"Hi Boys," she grinned. "What are we talking about?"

"Working out," I replied, but my voice came out all high-pitched the way it does when I've been sucking in my gut for too long.

"Hmmmmm," she said with that observant manner of hers. "Well, Oliver, I had noticed that you were looking..." she paused here as if trying to find the right words, "less obese than usual." Bob grinned in that triumphant way of his, but I found myself blushing with pleasure.

"Yes, well, I've been cutting back, you know, on food. Trying to be healthy and all that. Bob was just showing me some yoga poses that I might want to incorporate into my routine." I tried to do the plank just then and ended up in a massive belly flop with folds of fat vibrating so viciously that they blew the deck dust into mini whirlwinds. I blushed again, this time from pure mortification.

Miss Kitty stifled a cough and then said, "You know, Oliver, working out doesn't have to be work. You can exercise plenty just by getting out and playing. In fact, exercise should be fun."

This time it was my time turn to cough. "Fun? Working out? How is that I even possible?"

Miss Kitty just smiled, reached out to pat me with a paw and said, "Tag! You're it!" With that she was scampering around the deck like a mini whirlwind herself. Bob and I joined the game and you know what? She was right! I did have fun. Maybe, just maybe, I will get used to this healthy lifestyle.