Isn’t it fair to let them know what we think about them instead of leading them on? (Mr.StrictlyIntimate)

On Monday I started counting down the days. Since waking up this morning I find myself constantly counting down the hours until my plane leaves for London early Saturday morning. I am not just fleeing from my mother tongue but also my mother — to be honest, from my whole family.I am NOT the type of guy who enjoys being with his ‘loved’ ones on such occasions, after all, I am not even someone who likes to celebrate any festivity except for one — my own birthday last year. But that only because I was turning 25 — which equals a quarter of a century and therefore, marked a very special moment in my life and I felt the desperate need to celebrate myself. This turning point defined the moment where I was finally able to look into a mirror and see myself as the person I am with all my positive but also negative sides. And I embrace each and every one of them. Therefore, a big fat Burberry Birthday bash.

Back to the main topic — Saturday morning I’ll be off to not celebrating every single year’s most hyped and most overrated festivity of all – Christmas. I will be in London, toasting to myself and all I have achieved in my life but also to all the things that still are ahead of me. I will toast to my colleague J who will accompany me on my trip to not celebrating Christmas.

At Night I Dream of London…

… and in MY London, there is my ultimate Burberry Dream becoming Reality. Visiting the new Burberry Store in Regent Street.

You may remember that once I actually tried to be all about the family or all about building up one myself with my ex-boyfriend exactly two years ago. Well, but just as “love” comes and goes, he decided to go and I was the one who was left behind, the broken-hearted, the one that was hurt and miserable during Christmas time. That acually was the moment where I have decided to never fall in love again — to never feel the need to celebrate Christmas with a family I never had and never will have — to build myself a relationship that will never work out the way I would want it to. Christmas, to me, is dead and will always be off topic. On a permanent level.
These heavy negative feelings towards that “special” time of the years don’t just resonate from the break up with my ex-boyfriend but also from the one with the ex before and also from my family history. That part maybe the most. I am not a family’s person because I really don’t like most members of my family. I don’t really know how “family” actually really feels because I never had those people who you could trust and rely on. I was always relying on just myself. Frankly spoken, I don’t care for calling them and neither do they care for calling me. (Of course, I shall mention that I have sister who is from utmost importance to me.) And, the part that might be very weird for you is, that I like it that way and am fine with it and I am not missing any of those family actions other people have to go through. Feels pretty fake to me, even though to them it might be real. Somewhere there is always a crack or a scar trying to hide from the eyes of an outsider. But we always know it’s there. Always.

Sometimes I feel like most people aren’t just worth being given the chance to enter your life — they don’t deserve it because they mostly just want to take advantage of you, or steal your shadow, or the power you try to build up yourself, or simply disappoint you in the end by not being honest. Honesty and loyalty is what I expect from people who want to be called friends. That is what people will always get from me — no matter what — honesty, sincerity, authenticity, loyalty. Once I call someone a friend, he or she can have my all, but lately I have come to the conclusion that most of the people I meet throughout my journey of growing up just aren’t worth it, as much as I might not be worth their energy or their time or their whatever it is that seems important to them. People come and go, and so do friendships — that’s the greatest thing about growing up, you get to meet so many brilliant people who can, if you let them, enrich your life and help you to grow on so many different levels. I want to stop labeling the relationships between people as being colleagues, or friends, or foes, or family, or frenemies, or love interests, or relationships, or sex buddies, or friends with benefits, or whatever we call those people we keep close to us and also on a certain distance.

I feel the need of making it clear to people that trust is something that can only be found in oneself. I trust myself, therefore, I will not put my faith or trust into others if I already know beforehand that they will disappoint me anyway. If I disappoint myself, it is my own fault and then it’s fine with me because I know next time I will make a change and make it better. Trusting others, just appears to be a waste of time to me. As much as it is a waste of time to be angry with people. And I am angry with rude behavior or massive flaws in manners constantly and I always have to remind myself not to be angry, not to care so much. Sometimes I just do.

The people I like will know that I like them because I am straight forward and say what I want to say. I am not a guy of many emotions, well I was, but not anymore. I have come to terms with telling people straight away to back the fuck off, or to stop annoying me, or to just move away or to stay and come closer. Or whatever it is I want from someone at a particular moment.
Truth, honest and straight forwardness can enrich all our lives and I think that with these attributes human relationships could move into a new direction of independence and sincerity. If people would just be straight faced to one another there might never be any problems between humans because we could learn to face the truth. Which is: Not everyone can like us AND we can’t like anybody. Isn’t it fair to let them know what we think about them instead of leading them on?

Think about that — wouldn’t we avoid to spend our times trying to not hurt other people’s feelings if we could just tell them we do not like them and do not want to have any kind of contact with them, right away? Wouldn’t that save us a hell of a lot of time as much as a huge load of energy we could probably use for better purposes?

…Playmate November 2012 – Clivia Treidl

Thomas Fiedler for Playboy 11/2012

I always try to re-invent myself in a lot of ways. For my blog that means a variety in content and of course, sometimes even with the layout. For a couple of weeks now I am studying Journalism for a Master’s degree and I have come to the task of doing an interview. This time it wasn’t like the 5 minutes 2 questions interview with Nelly Furtado I did about 2 months ago in Berlin and loved like hell. This time it was more elaborate. It had to be. I thought about whom to interview and so many interesting people came to my mind. I did a variety of interviews and have decided to show them all here – for you to read and for you to reach.

I’ve spent hours preparing questions and hours trying to figure out who Clivia Treidl (25 – studying Media Studies) might be as a person; as a woman; as a model and as a playmate.

Date: October 28th, 20012Time: 10.00 amLocation: Starbucks, 1st district Vienna, AustriaDrink: Clivia is having a soy cappuccino; I am having an espresso doppio and earl grey tea.

Mr.StrictlyIntimate: What does the name ‘Clivia Treidl’ represent? Please, describe yourself in three words – professionally as well as in private.

Clivia Treidl: Professionally… Clivia Treidl. Mhm… I would say ambitious, determined and patient. In private: a little bit chaotic, sensitive and a good friend.

Mr_SI: Apart from modeling, do you work besides studying? Can one survive from modeling in Austria?

C_T: By now I am just doing model and hostess jobs. Back then I also did some waitressing and other jobs. Like internships in PR and things like that. But at the moment I am only taking on model jobs and hostess jobs. That works out all right currently.

Mr_SI: Did you always know that you wanted to be a model? Or, did this idea come to mind during your time studying in Vienna?

C_T: To be honest, it was never my plan to become a model. If you are 5’5″ you do not think about such a career path. It just happened and the moment I saw the first pictures of me I thought, ‘Well, maybe this could work out.’ But I do not feel a pressure about it – either it works or it doesn’t.

Mr_SI: One of the most important questions that came to my mind is, how does a model who has worked in exclusively in fashion before actually become a Playboy girl?

C_T: Personally, I have always preferred the revealing shoots. I have never been completely naked in a shoot before but I have always felt like drowning in clothes in a lot of shoots. In the fashion industry it is not very welcome to be nude in shoots – except if it is for VOGUE.

Every now and then, when being at castings you get to meet someone who has been in Playboy once and well, you get to talk and you just pop the question. Girls really do send pictures to Playboy and so did I. The next day I got a call. One thing led to another and I found myself at a casting and two years later I am Miss November 2012.

Thomas Fiedler for Playboy 11/2012

Mr_SI: I can hear the ambition in your words…

C_T: Exactly. I was just curious. During the casting process I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to do it – to actually take of my clothes for Playboy. I just wanted to test my chances and check on how far I’d come. Then, when they chose me the actual deliberations started.

Mr_SI: I assume it was an ‘Ego-Thing’ – How far do come? How do others see me? Do others see me the way I see myself?

C_T: Yes, the whole model industry is basically about the Ego. Maybe it dissolves with time but in the beginning it definitely has a lot to do with Ego. Not with those rare girls who are discovered on the streets, that’s definitely something else. But with those deciding on becoming a model it most certainly has something to do with Ego: Am I good enough? Do I look good enough?

Mr_SI: Would you describe yourself as someone utterly satisfied and happy with their reflection in the mirror, knowing that the one person looking back at you is someone you can smile at saying, ‘Yes, that’s me and that’s great.?’

C_T: By now, yes, absolutely. But that hasn’t always been the case. I have always been rather the shy, precarious person between two extremes: One day, perfectly self-confident and happy. The next day, completely unsatisfied and unhappy and so not at peace with myself.

There were times when I thought that changing parts of my body to fit my own imagination of what’s ideal would be the solution. Just to look the part. Obviously, I have had something done. One can see that my breast are not real and I have often been criticized for that.

Mr_SI: Would you say your breasts have been a hindrance for Playboy?

C_T: They were more of a hinderance than they were of help.

Mr_SI: Why do you think that having fake breasts was a problem for Playboy? What kind of image does Playboy want to develop with the women they feature?

C_T: The concept I see, as a student of media studies is the image of the beautiful neighbor. The girl, or woman who is reachable to any kind of guy rather than the diva who is distanced and not approachable.

Mr_SI: Do you like the pictures that have been chosen for the magazine?

C_T: I have to say that I am very, very happy with the selections. For the magazine they most certainly have picked the best pictures available and I couldn’t be happier about the results. They illustrated me the way I wanted to show myself – sensual, natural, surrounded by bright colors, not too provocative. Just beautiful.

Thomas Fiedler for Playboy 11/2012

Mr_SI: How was the shooting behind the scenes? Where did they shoot you? Did it take you a long time to prepare – not just physically but also mentally?

C_T: The shoot was at Mallorca. In a beautiful house. The team was amazing. We did the shoot by day – very relaxed and without pressure to get more and more pictures done. And in the evening we went out for dinner together. It really took of the edge.
The two months before the shooting I was very nervous. I told myself that I would be at my best possible physique and that I would be fit as never before. In fact I was so nervous that I ate more than usual and I haven’t been at the peek of a model’s physique but as you can see in the pictures it helped me to underline my own femininity. WITH those few extra pounds.

Mr_SI: How did you experience the moment of realizing, ‘Okay, I am taking of my clothes now and in a couple of months thousands of people can see me fully nude?’

C_T: I actually never had such a moment. In fact, during the whole shoot I was desperately waiting for that one moment when the whole situation would become ridiculously unpleasant and weird to me. But it never did. The team was awesome and I felt really great about myself. I think it would have been weird for me if the pictures wouldn’t have turned out to be that great. THAT would have been unpleasant, knowing that there would be thousands of issues of Playboy magazine with pictures of an uncomfortable and unhappy me in them.

Mr_SI: My final question – seeing you in the pictures one could describe you as a ‘Femme Fatale.’ Would you yourself say that you are a Femme Fatale in private? Or rather a shy, calm, not tantalizing woman?

C_T: Mhmm… I guess I have both of these sides in my personality. I like Femme Fatale – that’s a good description because it is exactly the opposite of who I was way back when I wasn’t a model. Rather a shy plain Jane.
But by now I have overcome this shyness and especially when going out like to be consciously sexy and a little bit provocative from time to time. Still, I have a lot of the shy girl in me. But from time to time I like to be a Femme Fatale.

Wolfgang Zajc for Playboy 11/2012

The latest issue of Playboy Magazine featuring Clivia Treidl will be available until the middle of November.
More pictures of Clivia Treidl, Playmate November 2012 can be found on www.playboy.de.

To me it was an amazing start into a wonderfully productive Sunday, sitting together with Clivia talking on and off topic about everything that has been going on in our lives since we last saw each other about two years ago. She is a very relaxed, wonderfully funny and beautiful woman. This interview couldn’t have been any easier and more fun than this.

In life there are a few things that matter to people more than they matter to others. Some can’t live without their family and friends. Others not without their pets. Personally, I think it is always important to choose for yourself what it is that one can’t live without – whether it seems to be either too emotional or too materialistic to others. In fact, others do not matter at all when it comes to finding the one thing that makes you who you are; a happy, confident, sparkling personality. Someone who fights to achieve a certain goal – someone who won’t back down to get whatever one has set in mind – someone who, when he/she falls down or struggles gets back up again to fight.

These things that matter are a catalyst for motivation. They give you something fundamental. Spirit. Passion. Desire. Fire.

When it comes to myself, my very own catalyst I have to say it isn’t just, as many of you would expect, my love for fashion. It is leaving my past behind. It’s a dream. Isn’t that really what keeps us working and getting up every morning – the dream of who we want to be? Shouldn’t who we are now always mirror who we want to be in the future?
At least that is one of the mottos I try to live and express every day. I am now (or, at least try to be) in some parts exactly where and how I see myself in a couple of years – on a personal level. But of course, I never want to stop to grow and learn and develop myself and give myself the chance to modify my innermost as well as my style in every possible way.

I want people to see fire in my eyes when I talk about my goals and dreams! I want to them to see my determination, my fire. This boy is on fire! And this fire will not just burn – it will inflame anyone and anything close to it!

Though this lack of sleep and rest is in my life right now I feel so full of energy! I want it all – I want to burst in flames. I want to work, I want to do everything that is in me to achieve every single piece of a dream I hold in mind since I can think and create dreams and hopes and wishes.

In the first moment I thought, ‘Well, this must be the reason why people do not want to get hit by a bus…’ At least, I guess it must feel like this. Unexpectedly agonizing; deeply irritating and overwhelmingly weird. And within seconds it’s all gone. All the feelings, all the thoughts, all the deep meanings to something that has been but isn’t there anymore.

It’s been two years now. Plus, minus one week. I can’t remember exactly but I know it was October. The weirdest and most agonizing October I have ever had. I was in a dark place I put myself because I was overly dramatic and overly emotional, which lead me directly to being ridiculously irrationally driven by these emotions of just being dumbed by someone you’ve loved. And today I saw him. In a car right in front of my university building. For the first time since we broke up. He broke up with me. Not we. He.

Here I am now with these two years on my hands and on my Facebook timeline and I became aware of one thing tonight: THIS was crucial for final closure. On my way home from University I have thought a lot about times with W and once I arrived home, entering my own four walls through those double doors I realized – I grew a lot in more ways than I have ever expected of myself. In the first few moments of being at home during the change of my outfit I was thinking about what I was feeling. I couldn’t quite make it out. Was I sad? No. Was I angry? No. Was I grieving? No.

Then there it was. The realization of what I must have been waiting for… for forever. I felt nothing but the satisfaction of the moment of knowing that I really am fine with it. I have moved on and I feel like a better version of myself. Mr.StrictlyIntimate exists for three and a half years now. I have been through so much, emotionally and work relatedly. I have grown to become a skyscraper for the relationship with my ex showed me so many facets of being a human being without the necessity of always having to be perfect but being who you are with everything you are. Every flaw you think you hate but actually, deep within fucking love. Every piece of you that loves life. Every piece of you that burns for something – a passion; as wild as the hottest, sexiest kiss you have ever tasted on your lips. Every piece of a dream you work your ass of for. Every minute of a day you live and breathe and work and love and struggle just because you want to feel alive.

This is it! This is life. And it’s beautiful, immaculate, opulent, fantastic, passionate… it is everything you make it!
If you feel like breaking down because someone recently told you he/she doesn’t love you anymore – so be it! Break down! BUT get your ass back up again because life is A-MAZING! And it begins over and over again. Once you break down, you get back up and try again – harder and better than ever before! Over and over again. Because that is what makes you FEARLESS! That is what makes dreams beautiful: fighting for them with every piece of your heart.

Autumn is slowly coming and gently asking us to enter our hearts and closets and homes. Though being gentle in announcing oneself it rather intrudes us in a way we actually don’t want it to for we crave summer, sun and heat. But still, autumn is coming and so I think, ‘Embrace change. Embrace the chance to get yourself all dressed up in a new wardrobe, a new mood, a new interpretation of who you are. AND, embrace the wake up call to finally get your apartment done and ready for a colder season to follow, winter.’

Elle Decoration UK – October 2012 Cover

So after three phases and a short break I finally arrived in number IV: One Step Closer to Reflecting Myself

To me, a home is where the heart is! Ergo: where my heart is there am I. Further ergo: Where I am there should be the real me; my own reflection; my own interpretation of who I am and who I want to be. Not just to myself but to anybody who comes into my private walls as a guest. Therefore, my personal space should be an addition to what I represent. When I enter the room I should feel as if it underlines my personality rather than projecting something that isn’t there, or presenting myself in a light that doesn’t fit the part. It would feel like someone trying to fit into an Alexander McQueen Couture gown though one knows one is completely Atelier Versace; meaning less feathers more sparkle. (Don’t get me wrong here: Alexander McQueen IS a part of my religious belief. Trust me, I worship him and now Sarah Burton for what they’ve created!)

Alexander McQueen Spring/Summer 2013

Alexander McQueen Spring/Summer 2013 Detail

Decorating and furnishing come together to be a process – a long lasting one. Not just a rush of emotions and motions that overwhelm your senses to tell you to simply get it done as soon as you can to get it over with. NO, if you want your apartment to reflect your innermost, your character, your ambitions, your motivations, your style, your fashion, your love and your passion for life; it takes some time to evolve.

That is what I did – I gave myself time to evolve within my new environment. For three months I have my own place now and it feels more like a home to me than anything has ever done. Every single day it comes closer to where I can say my heart is… but it isn’t perfect yet. To be honest, I don’t think it can ever be but at least it can be close to what I want it to be – a place where I can relax once I have entered the double doors; a place I can call home; a place where I can be myself without compromising, without having to apologize, without the necessity of defending flaws. Here I am perfect, if I want to be. If I feel like it.

Autumn calls for action – it calls for inspiration! And so I took my best friend ELLE Decoration out for some last walks in the sun trying to get inspired by what is around me; colors, shapes, shades, street signs, maps, people. I felt like a child in a candy store being surrounded by all those fabulous colors, spirits and voices. With a little help of VOGUE and GQ I always feel perfectly safe when it comes to my fashion choices but with my apartment I still feel like I do not have the grip on what is my style yet. At least not completely. BUT, every time I open ELLE Decoration I feel like I have IT, the one thing that makes me visualize fabrics and shapes, color schemes and patterns in a way I have never imagined before. Fashion isn’t just who or what you wear; it is how you live, how you furnish and how you decorate too!

So, for my bedroom I always felt white, completely – a white bed, a white big open closet, a white standing mirror and a white dresser. I always added color with just my clothes, the bedding and my big purple Prada box. But now I feel like those white walls finally need something new – I feel shapes, well, more like pattern. A mathematical pattern of triangles on two walls in an L-shaped constellation to surround my bed and my door while on the opposite wall only the closet with my beautiful clothes sets the tone. This, to me, sounds like a perfect equilibrium of fast moving, ever changing fashion versus unwinding, calming body and mind.

For the bedroom as well as my living room I still have to find the perfect fabrics to decorate the windows but I am sure that these ideas will come up in no matter of time since I find myself to be in a very creative mood and a very inspired place right now. So, stay tuned for more and get yourself a little bit inspired by the last summer days until autumn conquers our hearts, wardrobes and homes.

Some time ago I believed in love – irrationally, dreamily, vulnerably. I believed that out there was the one person who was able to make you as happy as you possibly can be. I have had this love. Or, I believed I had it. I don’t know. I can’t put it to words… but I will try.

I know that out there is no one I could love as much as I have loved this very special man. He was handsome (still is, as far as I know), polite, had the sense of humor I loved and was in every possible way absolutely right for me. I was happy. Sometimes. Sometimes I was just sad because he wasn’t there. And sometimes because I wasn’t there. It seems, timing was all wrong for the two of us. Or, I was just not the right for him.

Now you may wonder – why past tense? Why am I writing in a time that has passed quicker as I could say ‘Burberry?’ Well, simply because I have realized that sometimes ‘to love is not enough.’ It is not enough to say ‘I love you’ a million times without taking actions, without really showing you that one’s love is able to cross boarders and move mountains.

As time passed by I changed and my belief in love was shattered. This is not supposed to be a story where you all feel sorry for me because I neither want you nor myself to feel sorry for that because we all know that things like that have happened to other people too. So that is what matters. That you are not alone when it comes to things like losing someone you’ve sincerely, dearly and honestly loved.

You should cherish the possibility of having been loved (even if not the way you would have wished it, maybe) or having been able to feel love towards someone, to express it. Because it is only a lost thing if you have never even tried to express what you feel for someone. That is the only waste – Not having experienced love at all.

I may have lost the faith in the existence of love and may have grown to be very cynical and sarcastic about ‘love’ and the way people treat it sometimes but that is only because I have experienced my personal high in loving someone, knowing that there is nothing that can top what was there already. Maybe that is the reason why I do not think about giving it another shot – because, well, simply put, nothing… no one can compare. Nothing and no one ever will. Some feelings are Untouchable. Like a distant star. Like Taylor Swift once sang.

Forgive me, if this might sound all cheesy again but since my cynical self mostly takes the upper hand when it comes to writing it might be a welcoming change to let some emotions come through. It won’t happen that often, trust me. At least for now I have them under control again. Have a fabulous start into the new week. Enjoy your evenings with a glass of wine, like I do. Shiraz. The most brilliant wine of all.

Love of the Moment.

Since I can remember being able to connect the terms fashion and wedding I was able to only think about one person to personify both terms perfectly, romantically and naturally. Vera Wang. Ever since I had the dream of having my own wedding I imagined myself in a custom made Vera Wang suit and yet, though I know Vera only creates the most immaculate dresses for one of the most spectacular and beautiful day in a woman's life I also know that one very day I will be walking down the aisle in a custom made, white, silk Vera Wang suit looking at the man I am about to marry knowing that this is not just the most wonderful moment of my life but also the most memorable and most fashionable.

Vera Wang Spring 2012 Bridal Couture - Dress: Harper (front)

Vera Wang Spring 2012 Bridal Couture - Dress: Harper (back)

I would have never thought that I could imagine someone at their own wedding NOT dressed up in white but the moment I saw this dress (Harper) in Vera Wang's Spring/Summer 2012 fashion show I just knew it was right. The fabrics, the color, the texture, the shape - the whole look is immaculately perfect!

'This strapless mermaid gown with its trapunto-stitched bustier, the playful back bow and the multi-tiered back bustle with cascading two-toned floral embroidery is just the one dress you want to put on and never give away.' I can imagine my best friend in this dress. Turning around in the mirror know that this is so right. So beautiful. So unique. It is a magnificent equilibrium of playful charm meeting elegance dignity. It is special yet absolutely wearable. It is the dream of a dress!