Thoughts on Popular Culture and Unpopular Culture by Jaime J. Weinman (email me)

Monday, December 04, 2006

Grudge Matches I'd Like To See: Batman vs. The A-Team

The A-Team is hiding out in Gotham City, and Colonel Decker asks Batman to track them down and capture them. Batman, with his sour view of human nature, doesn't believe that the A-Team is innocent, and assumes that they're just another group of quirky criminals that he needs to hunt down.

Can Batman capture the A-Team? Or will he fail to handle the combined power of Hannibal's planning, B.A.'s helluva-toughness, Murdock's craziness, and... uh... whatever the heck it is that Face does?

3 comments:

The A-Team only has a chance if they can stand up to Batman as a team. Being who he is, Batman will immediately recognize this and focus on taking down the A-Team one by one.

Face would be first to go because I can't imagine any of his conman tricks working on Bats. Murdoch comes next because Batman is used to dealing with real psychos (see, e.g., the Joker) rather than Murdoch's mock psychological issues. B.A. should be easy because I expect that Batman will figure out some way to get B.A. into the air, totally incapacitating him.

That leaves the Colonel. Now, Hannibal is supposed to be very smart, a master tactician, etc. But I don't know that he's as smart as Batman, who is supposed to be a super genius. Even assuming that they are even matched mentally though, Batman will have the edge physically, if only because Hannibal is getting up there.

So, I say the Batman takes down the A-Team. I'm not happy about it though.

Batman will CAPTURE the A-Team, oh yes. No problem. He'll take them down like chumps. All wrapped up and bat-cuffed like a Christmas Bat-Turkey.

But then he'll be forced to lock them up for a few hours before the cops can come to collect them. He will use an old warehouse for this purpose.

This warehouse will be full of junk that no one could ever hope to fashion into an armored vehicle, such as an old RV that's just barely repairable, some aluminum siding, spikes, and a few other things of this nature. Also there will be a full compliment of welding gear - I don't know why. I guess warehouses just have this stuff in them a lot.

The A-Team will do the impossible! They will escape their bonds and fashion these unlikely objects into a heavily armed and armored battle RV!

Then they'll go after the Bat! They'll shoot up some stuff, blow up a water tower or machine gun nest, and crush the bat-car!

Hooray A-Team!

Unfortunately for them, Batman is a freaking zillionaire lunatic with a huge arsenal of Bat-Military-Incursion-Vehicles at his disposal.