Hi everyone! This is my first post ever in the library so im glad im here!
So anyways, this is s story I wrote a year ago and I thought you guys might want to see it! Note: Pronouciation: Lumentia: Lum. ent. chia > people got confused. Well, here it is:
Prolouge:

If we could see the future, would we see a family? A home? A life?
Lumentia thought this as she floated through the dark endless abyss. She opened her eyes.
"I see a bright light." Lumentia said softly.

Chapter 1

"Uugghh..." Lumentia slowly regained coinessness.
"Wh-Where am I?" Lumentia looked around. She woke up it a field with a couple of trees.
"How could this happen I don't remember anything." Lumentia said to herself.
"Hey you, you in the blue robe!"
Lumentia turned around. The person who called her was a boy, around the age of 12, same as her. He had a, what looked like a enchanted sword, strapped to his back. He had brown hair and brown eyes. He studied her.
Lumentia had lond blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes. She was quite skinny. He robe had a black line at the ends of her sleeves and at the bottom of her robe. She had midnight blue ribbons on the both sides of her hair with a cresent moon where the knot should be. In her had was her lunar septar, that was encrusted with blue saphires.
"Hi what's your name?" the boy asked.

Thats sorta 1/3 of chapter one! Tell me what you think!

~

Sun Nov 11, 2007 7:43 am

Crimson

Pokemon Ranger

Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pmPosts: 716Location: USA EST

Welcome to the Library. Please try not to make two of the same thread in the future. Your story has some gramatical issues that can be prevented by proofreading. You're just sort of telling us things about the characters. Try to show us. There's really no way to explain what I mean other than to show not tell.

Well, it was probably made because you hit "submit" twice. Once it was created only a moderator or administrator can delete it, this is because it's a thread not a post. Just be more careful next time.

Welecome to the forums. It is nice to see a new member who doesn't write a pathetic story that appeared to have been come up with in two seconds. Some are just bad and appear to be jokes. We've been doing fine recently, thank goodness.

But you aren't perfect. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

In the future, wait until you are done before posting. That way, we can address more problems because we see more writing.

Grammar and spelling errors. Use Word to write, it has a more reliable spell check. It will also catch some grammar errors, though it shouldn't be relied on for that.

Show don't tell. My method is making something happen involving the object, and just slip description in there.

She tripped, and her lunar scepter fell out of her hand, the blue sapphires reflecting the sunlight into Lumentia's eyes.

Most of the chapter is dialouge.

Other then that, you are pretty good.

_________________

Sun Nov 11, 2007 8:22 pm

The Obsidian Wolf

Pokemon Master

Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 12:03 amPosts: 1559Location: Dragon's Den

Thunder_dude7 wrote:

Show don't tell. My method is making something happen involving the object, and just slip description in there.

She tripped, and her lunar scepter fell out of her hand, the blue sapphires reflecting the sunlight into Lumentia's eyes.

Other then that, you are pretty good.

That's usually how I try and point things out, but a good technique is to make it seem natural, and also allow it to explain a little more of the character.

Lumentia walked towards the boy, her graceful step sending sparkling reflections from a sceptre she held. The jewels encrusted at the top had the same shining quality as her sapphire eyes.

You see, you've got a vague description of her, while also showing the reader that she is graceful and has an air of beauty about her (as highlighted in bold.) You can then add even more description about the rest of her in the same sort of way, while making sure the reader is being told more than just what is being said. As Crimson said, it's hard to explain, but once you know what I'm talking about, you'll get into the swing of it.

You certainly have potential, but I disagree with Thunder_Dude on one issue; it strikes me that you've just suddenly decided to come up with this, and haven't given any thought into the rest of the plot, and that will reflect in the reader's aptitude for reading this. In other words, if there's no gripping plot that the reader can get to grips with (because the author doesn't even have one in mind) then the reader will quickly lose interest.

I hope this helps, and I look forward to seeing the next part of this, providing you have taken at least a little of our comments into consideration.

Hey guys thanks for the tips. I was really nervous when i first posted because I thought that maybe my story wasn't good. I guess I was wrong.
Anyways, Ill post the next section of the paragraph soon. Im getting really busy with school and stuff.

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