After the fashion of any self-respecting prime minister, I have not actually seen the thing on which I am about to pass judgment.

In my defence, nor has anyone else. Or rather, a mere £747 worth of cinemagoers have – for it is Run for Your Wife, a film some are already calling the worst Britflick ever made. Which gives you a sense of the scale of its horror.

A movie version of the Ray Cooney farce, Run for Your Wife was billed as a "Danny Dyer comedy vehicle" – and if that didn't suggest the brakes were cut from the start, the presence of 'Allo 'Allo's Vicki Michelle as executive producer should have. (Having said that, Lost in Showbiz does have a soft spot for Vicki Michelle, not so much for 'Allo 'Allo as for her appearance in a Jeffrey Archer kiss'n'tell. According to the former Howards' Way star Sally Farmiloe, during her affair with Archer they discussed who they'd invite to a threesome. She decided on Vicki; Archer went for Seb Coe. It never happened – though of course, it's happening in a most unsolicited way in your head, right now, and will repeat on you for the rest of the day. You're welcome!)

That sinking feeling: Danny Dyer at the premiere of Run for Your Wife. Photograph: Graham Whitby Boot/Sportsphoto Ltd/Allstar

How could it go so stratospherically wrong? On the basis of no evidence whatsoever, I can't help being reminded of that splendid Times exposé last summer, which revealed how £150,000 invested in a British film could generate £1m of tax relief for some high-profile avoiders, even if it flopped. I mentioned at the time that it seemed to be a scheme inspired by The Producers, who conspire to make a killing by betting against the success of their Broadway show. "This play wouldn't run a night," marvels accountant Leo Bloom when they find the perfect piece of theatrical carnage. "A night?" scoffs producer Max Bialystock. "Are you kidding? This play's guaranteed to close on page four!"

By all accounts, Run for Your Wife lacks a thousandth of the majesty of Springtime for Hitler. So let's dismiss the idle fantasy that the entire thing was designed to trigger an immediate payment of £1m into Jimmy Carr's bank account.