Charlie Sheen Sets His Sights on Sox

In a rare sit down interview with Boston Dirt Dogs, "Charlie Sheen" breaks his silence and talks about his future beyond Two and a Half Men:

BDD [Boston Dirt Dogs]: So how do you feel the morning after getting fired from your TV show? Have you hit rock bottom?

CS [Charlie Sheen]: Rock bottom? Thatís a fishing term. I literally woke up and it was Christmas. I'm done with TV and want to get back to my first love, baseball. So I tweeted John Henry over in London and made him an offer for the Red Sox... and he's taking it. He's out. Between all his success with Liverpool and Roush Fenway Racing, the wiry billionaire's got his hands full and wants to unload the little ballclub in Boston. And I'm just the guy to take it off his hands. Iíve got magic. Iíve got poetry at my fingertips. I've still got my Bill Buckner ball around here somewhere... We're going to get this franchise back to Winning! Duh...

BDD: Congratulations. So as the new owner, will you be involved in the day-to-day activity of the Red Sox?

CS: Yes. I'll be there every day as the owner, GM, manager, set-up man for Papelbon, Rock Star. I might do it all. I'm a winner. The scoreboard doesnít lie. Never has. Iím tired of pretending Iím not a total, bitchiní rock star from Mars. Come on bro, I won best picture at 20. Bring me a challenge. Somebody.

BDD: What about Tom Werner and Larry Lucchino, are they out, too?

CS: They canít hang with me. Their bones would melt like wax. Werner? He's was kicking around Hollywood turning pure gold into tin cans while I was hitting grand slams as a kid. Roseanne [Barr] made him the way I made those small house trolls at CBS when I showed up and this dude [Two And a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre], friend of Werner no less, won the lottery. And so I always felt like, ĎWhy am I being treated like an unwelcome relative and being given cold coffee at, like, 8 p.m. in the middle of the fourth inning?' ... And did you see Werner throwing dirt on Kelsey Grammar's grave with Hank? Has anyone seen John Lithgow or Jeffrey Tambor since Twenty Good Years had its epic three-week run? No, Tom will stay with John over in England while we rebuild this ballclub. Larry [Lucchino] may be the only adult in the room over there. He scares me a little. I may have to keep him around for a while... but just sit back and enjoy the show. Iím going to win every moment.

BDD: So what are some of your immediate plans when you take over the club?

CS: Iím going to hang out with two smoooooking hotties and fly privately around the world, then Iím just going to sail across the winds of the universe with my goddesses.

BDD: Are you talking about Natalie [bikini model] and Rachel [retired film star]?

CS: No. Heidi Watney and Linda Pizzuti. Keeping them both around. I dare them to keep up with me. I tried marriage. Iím 0-for-3 with the marriage thing. So, being a ballplayer, I believe in numbers. Iím not going 0-for-4. Iím not wearing a golden sombrero. ... Oh and this just in: Iíve already signed on my old friend Hazel Mae to return to SportsDesk. No more NESN Daily. And we're gonna find out whose responsible for OK'ing the rest of the godawful shows that I've been watching on NESN. Weíre shaking the tree. Weíre shaking all the trees. When I'm done with NESN, people canít stop watching. Change the channel, I dare ya.

BDD: So to be clear, no more Theo [Epstein] pulling the strings?

CS: I like Theo. But he wouldn't know a bullpen from Bull Durham. Donít be worried, donít be worried. I am grandiose. Because I live a grandiose life. I can do this without Theo. And Tito's grown soft, tired of watching his Laurel & Hardy sketch comedy with Pedroia. We need to shake things up in the dugout, maybe I'll bring in my old friend Ozzie Guillen. He's a lifetime member of the Winner's Circle. And we can put Bobby Jenks's locker right next to Ozzie in the clubhouse at Fenway. How funny will that be? Teamwork. Bang.

BDD: So what moves would you make to strengthen the bullpen?

CS: First off, I'm telling Papelbon to get back to his Wild Thing haircut. That's what made him great. That's what he's gotten away from. Plus it worked for me. Pap only brings the passion when talking about his contract now. Fastball: He's got to throw a second pitch. ... You know a lot of people think Major Leagueís called Wild Thing. As they should.

BDD: So what's the deal with the Tiger blood?

CS: [Having tiger blood is] a metaphor for having absolute rocket fuel in my veins. When it comes to getting focused and delivering things in a way.... but I do have Tiger's blood running through me, but it happened after a wild night in Vegas when I ran into Tiger Woods at the Hard Rock Hotel bar... long story for another day.

BDD: Any other Red Sox player moves you can share?

CS: I will tell you this, Iím going to get Manny, Johnny Damon, D-Lowe, and Pedro [Martinez] back here by the trading deadline to make our run this year. Weíre going to do it old school, playing old time baseball. Idiots and Dirt Dogs. I might even bring in Grady Little and Bill Buckner as first and third base coaches for the postseason. Don't tell Tito. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math. The only thing Iím addicted to right now is winning. I donít have burnout in my gear box. Hope is for suckers and tools. You make a choice to win, and you win... now go back to the troll hole where you came from...