Your Destiny Switch

BY Peggy McColl

For most of my early years, I was living in a prison and I didn't know it. When I think about the girl I was and who I am today, it's as if they're completely different people. It took many years, a lot of pain, and four epiphanies for me to make the journey from a confused, unhappy teen to a self-assured, contented woman in charge of her emotions and her destiny.

Today I'm a consultant and what I call a Goal-Achieving Mentor, inspiring individuals, professional athletes, and organizations to connect to their passion, create goals, and reach their maximum potential. I've been doing this work for 25 years, and the insights and skills that I've acquired have allowed me to assist hundreds of people in creating the life they want to live. But I wasn't always enthusiastic, optimistic, and at peace with myself. As a teenager and young adult, I was living in a prison of negativity and had no idea that the key to escaping it was to harness the power of my emotions and use it to create the life I wanted for myself.

Over time, I discovered that as overwhelming as emotions may seem, we have the power to manage them, just as we have the potential to create our own destiny. I realized that it's as if we each have a Destiny Switch, a board of dimmer switches, each of which controls an emotional pairing-such as happiness versus sadness-and we have the ability to move those levers up and down, creating or enhancing positive feelings and turning down the volume on negative, destructive ones. However, like many people, I started out thinking that my emotions were controlled by people and situations outside of myself. I needed to discover my power and learn how to use it.

Epiphany 1: You Cannot Escape from a Prison Unless You Know You Are in One

Back in my teenage years, I was sad, lonely, and insecure. I was imprisoned by my dark feelings, and like many troubled people, I drank because it made me feel better-temporarily. For a few short hours, the alcohol would allow me to blot out my pain and experience confidence and happiness, but of course the next day all my negative feelings came back full force, and I discovered that my self-assurance had once again dissipated. I had no idea how I might find a more permanent solution to my woes.

For several years, I was angry and depressed that no one was showing up to permanently fix my life for me. I was too immature to take responsibility for my choices, and I blamed everyone for my problems and my dark feelings. The longer I waited for somebody to swoop in and rescue me, the more unmanageable my life became, the more frightened and frustrated I grew, and the worse I felt about myself. I spent most of my days feeling miserable, with no idea that I had the power to change my feelings and my life.

My lowest point came one day when I was 17. For nearly three years, I'd been dating Dave, a popular football player at school. I'd been as surprised as I was happy when he asked me out for the first time, since I couldn't imagine why he wanted to be with me (my sense of self-worth was very low). Dave treated me with warmth and affection and soon asked me to be his girlfriend.

Knowing that he loved me helped me feel some hope that my painful feelings would one day be completely replaced by happiness and a sense of well-being. I didn't realize that only I could create those emotions for myself. And now Dave was telling me that he wanted to "take a break" from our relationship and that he'd started seeing another girl.

I already felt terrible about myself (and when I think about it, that's probably the reason he broke up with me in the first place), and it seemed as if life just wasn't worth living. I was sure that I'd never laugh or smile or feel joyful again. I assumed, as many people do, that happiness is a state that you magically fall into when good things happen to you. It didn't occur to me that it's something we create for ourselves and I could feel content even when I had challenges in my life.

As the years went by, I dated many men and enjoyed several long-term relationships, but these romances never gave me any lasting sense of security or tranquility. I needed constant reassurance from my boyfriends and obsessed over whether they were cheating on me. Eventually, no matter how promising the relationship had seemed initially, it would end, sabotaged by my insecurity.

Since men couldn't give me the happiness and peace I sought, I tried to get it through working and making money. As a teenager with a part-time job, I'd loved having the money to purchase the most stylish pair of $50 jeans. Having spending power helped me feel good about myself. By the time I was out of high school, I had a job doing sales for a computer manufacturer, and I was donning a business suit and talking to customers about the superiority of the company's product. I relished having influence over their decisions while earning a steady paycheck.

But the job wasn't going as smoothly as it could have. I was very frustrated-everything about the company I worked for and its managers was "wrong." I thought that their attitudes stunk, and I hated being told what to do. I was unhappy and blamed them. I got nothing out of the performance-improvement programs they had me take, since I couldn't see how any of the difficulties at work might be caused by me. I jumped from department to department, seeking better co-workers and assignments, but nothing seemed to fix my attitude or unhappiness.

Once again, I was looking outside myself for the answer to my problems. I felt that if I could just arrange the ideal job situation, the perfect boyfriend, and the right everything else, I'd feel wonderful about my life and wouldn't have to suffer insecurity, anger, jealousy, or sadness. I couldn't yet see that wherever I went, I was taking my misery along with me, creating a prison for myself.

Then one day the company hired a motivational speaker named Bob Proctor for our annual corporate morale-boosting event. I found myself sitting in the front row. (Today that's normal behavior for me, but it certainly wasn't back then, when I hated being noticed unless I was making a point of being visible.) As I listened to Bob speak, many of the things he mentioned started to make sense to me. I was awed by his brilliance and wisdom, and I experienced my first epiphany when he said the following:

"You cannot escape from a prison unless you know you are in one."

His words seemed to reverberate throughout my body, and I felt myself buzzing with excitement. It suddenly dawned on me that I truly was living in a prison-a dark, cold prison of dreadful feelings-and I was the one who'd created it.

My negative emotions weren't extreme or out of control, but I was plagued by a continual sense of insecurity that kept me feeling small and inconsequential. I lacked faith in myself, and I was constantly afraid of failure (which was at the root of my blustering about the arrogance of others at work). Deep down, I had no confidence. Sure, I had a good job, but I'd simply followed the opportunities that opened up to me, so I didn't feel as if I'd been responsible for my success. I didn't dare dream about what I really wanted to do. I was afraid that if I made a goal and didn't reach it, the disappointment would be soul crushing.

As for relationships, my attitude was "Been there, done that," and I was convinced that love equaled pain. No wonder I was just chugging away at my job-it was the one aspect of my life I felt control over, and even then, I was secretly terrified of messing up somehow. I had no sense of purpose or destiny, just a lingering anxious feeling that I'd better make the best of whatever my life was and hope that the joy I was seeking would magically appear someday.

With no vision and no sense of my own destiny, I was indeed living in a prison. Bob Proctor's words resonated with me, and I mulled them over in my mind again and again. One day while I was standing downtown on a busy street near the office where I worked, the clouds suddenly parted, and bright rays of sunshine warmed my face. I had this overwhelming sensation that I was going to do something big-something that would make a huge, positive difference in the lives of thousands of people who, just like me, were unhappy and confused. I didn't have a clue as to what that "something" would be, but now that I knew I was in a prison and that a better path awaited me, I was determined to break out of my confinement and create a happy life.

I realized that I held the key to my prison door: managing the destructive emotions that were weighing me down and holding me back. I knew that if I could do this, I'd find the confidence, enthusiasm, and optimism that would propel me forward. I didn't know how to control my feelings, but it was clear to me that learning to do so was my central challenge.

I was starting to recognize that neither my employer nor my boyfriend had the power to create a happier life for me. I was the only one who could shape my destiny . . . and so my self-help journey began.

Epiphany 2: Knowledge Alone Is Not Enough

I stuck to my commitment to take responsibility for my emotions, my choices, and my life. I wanted to fulfill my destiny in this world, the one that had come to me that day when the clouds broke. I decided that it was my job to find out how to fix my problems on my own.

My life was changing in many positive ways: I was the national marketing director for a major computer company, I was accumulating wealth, and I had many terrific friends and a pretty good life-but that wasn't enough. I was passionately studying self-improvement. "Passionately" may be an understatement, because I dug so deeply into the process that I became a self-help addict. I attended every motivational seminar that I could, eagerly waiting in line to grab a front-row seat and rushing out to buy all the inspirational books and tapes that the speakers recommended. Small public libraries stock fewer books than I managed to read; I listened to a greater number of audio programs than most recording studios produce; and I attended more seminars than there were hours in a day, traveling extensively to get to all of them. I was spending more on self-help products than most people pay for housing, yet for all my devotion to my cause, it was becoming obvious to me that this endeavor wasn't making me feel contented.

After 11 years of study, I started to have serious doubts about the so-called strategies for achieving happiness and fulfillment. I thought that I should be feeling terrific all the time. My expectations for a permanent state of elation were keeping me from recognizing just how far I'd come, and I began to lose faith and feel frightened and desperate again. One day, I attended a lecture by Bob Proctor, who by now was my favorite motivational speaker. This time I had my second epiphany when he said:

"Knowledge alone is not enough. Only with understanding can real application begin. And that will help bring you to the place you want to be."

This was a true "Aha!" moment. I realized that hearing the insights of all the self-help experts I could find wasn't getting me to wrest control of my life and shape my destiny, because I hadn't internalized their wisdom. I'd written it on sticky notes and in journals, but I wasn't connecting to what they were telling me, so I couldn't truly understand it or apply it to my life. I was too busy congratulating myself for being a seeker of truth to slow down and process what I was taking in. Even the idea that I was in charge of my destiny really hadn't sunk in. Unknowingly, I'd been expecting motivational speakers to do it for me.

As a result of this epiphany, I developed a passion for deeper understanding. I realized that I needed to apply what I'd learned and actually experience the truths that these teachers were imparting to me. I began to think about what they'd taught me about emotions and to look more closely at how I was experiencing my feelings. Why was it so hard for me to stay positive when I knew how important it was to do so? Why did I descend into a pit of anger or self-loathing with such ease? So many things could push my buttons and make me feel negative. Rather than letting my emotions continue to rule my life and imprison me, I decided that it was time for me to search further to figure out why I was at their mercy and what to do about it.

Epiphany 3: It Only Takes a Little Bit of Poison to Kill

By this point, I was married to a wonderful man. All my life, I'd dreamed of having a happy marriage; and Charles was funny, warm, and caring. I felt that I had worked through a lot of my own insecurities and was ready to be a part of a healthy, loving relationship-but I wasn't. Unbeknownst to me, I still had a deeply rooted feeling of unworthiness, so even though I had attracted this terrific man into my life, I was subconsciously sabotaging yet another relationship. I was afraid that if I confronted him about any of the problems in our marriage, he'd get angry and leave me; therefore, I repressed the difficult emotions of fear and low self-worth and pretended everything was fine. He didn't speak up about his needs, and I didn't voice mine.

Again, attending a seminar of Bob Proctor's sparked an epiphany for me. Bob placed two clear glasses on a table, each half full-one with coffee, the other with water. He took a teaspoon of water and stirred it into the glass that held coffee, but I could see no change in it. He mixed in another teaspoonful of water-and another, and another. It wasn't until he'd added several spoonfuls that I began to observe the coffee becoming slightly more transparent. Bob explained that this represented the effect of positive emotions on a person who has a negative state of mind.

As I sat there, I took in his words and tried to apply them to my life. I had to admit that it did take a great deal of positive energy for me to overcome my feelings of anger, sadness, or unworthiness.

Then Bob stirred one teaspoonful of the coffee into the glass of clear water. Instantly, I perceived the liquid changing color. He explained that this is the effect of negativity on a positive mind: It's like a tiny bit of poison. Bob's words became my third epiphany:

"It only takes a little bit of poison to kill."

It was true. While for the most part I felt as if my life was moving forward, each time I experienced something that brought a negative emotion, I immediately returned to that devastated, hopeless feeling I'd experienced when I was a teenager in misery. If someone at work criticized me or Charles and I had an argument, all my positive feelings vanished-and anger, embarrassment, and unworthiness hijacked me. The smallest bit of poison would kill my positive attitude.

Here I'd convinced myself that all these self-help gurus were living perfect lives, free from any jealousy, anger, or self-doubt, so anytime I experienced those negative emotions, I felt bad about myself. Instead of trying to be more positive, I let my toxic feelings dominate my experience, and then I felt guilty and awful for not being more in control of my emotions.

It began to dawn on me that my expectations of myself were completely unrealistic. I started to realize that all the self-help experts weren't trying to tell me that I couldn't experience negativity, but rather that I needed to manage its effect on my life and stop letting it act like a drop of cyanide, destroying my outlook. I needed to develop the habit of learning what I could from my darker feelings before quickly pulling myself out of my negative emotional state and back into a positive one.

After having my third epiphany, I started to apply Bob's words to my life, but it was too late to save my marriage. I'd always been so afraid of my negative feelings that I refused to explore them, and they had acted like a poison within my relationship.

When I look back, I remember that my marriage was filled with love, caring, loyalty, and faithfulness. Still, instead of experiencing gratitude, I felt unworthiness. It wasn't an overwhelming feeling so much as a lingering sense that I didn't deserve happiness. Sadly, within a very short period of time, Charles and I were both so unhappy that our relationship began to unravel. Within four short years, we were divorced and living 20 miles apart. Of course, we both loved our little boy, Michel, deeply and wanted what was best for him more than anything else, so we shared custody. Against all odds, my ex-husband and I created a solid, respectful, loving relationship as co-parents; in fact, we're still friends. But it was sad to realize that our divorce wouldn't have been necessary if I'd only recognized my toxic feelings of unworthiness years earlier.

Epiphany 4: To Have It All, You Have to Be Willing to Give It All Up

My journey of self-discovery continued for a few more years, and I was expanding my sense of myself and my own identity. In many ways, I thought that I was finally starting to feel successful and happy. I had a growing sense of well-being and satisfaction, and I adored being a mother and taking care of my son. I was enjoying my life as a single woman and investing plenty of quality time in my relationship with Michel. In addition, I bought a lovely, beautifully decorated four-bedroom home in a wonderful neighborhood. I was making a good living, earning more and more each year. I sensed that I was on the path to my destiny of helping others.

I was feeling optimistic about life and more secure than ever as I consciously worked on developing a sense of worthiness. I was bravely facing my difficult negative emotions, learning what I could from them and actively choosing to replace them with more positive feelings. However, there was still something missing. As much as I was making progress, I knew that I had the power within me to create so much more.

Financial worries, and fears that I might not find love again gnawed at me. I didn't know why I was so restless and was experiencing a sense of lack. It didn't occur to me that my emotions were causing me to feel vaguely dissatisfied, because they were so subtle that I often didn't recognize them. My positive feelings were there, but it was as if many of them were barely audible and I had to strain to hear them.

I felt that if I tried harder, I could "force" success and take my life to a whole new level, but I quickly found that I wasn't getting where I wanted to go, no matter how hard I worked. Consequently, I held tightly to everything that I achieved while still being consumed by negative thoughts and feelings about what I didn't have. The success I enjoyed led me to want more-I believed that if I just made additional money, I'd be less anxious and more at peace. But the harder I worked to keep what I had and grab for more, the greater the fear I felt.

Then my income began to drop, and I frantically tried to figure out what I was doing wrong professionally. I took some necessary risks to boost business, but what I didn't realize was that by focusing on what I didn't want to experience (namely, fear, anxiety, and lack), I was holding myself back from achieving what I did want-contentment, calm, and abundance. I tried to believe the spiritual teachers and self-help experts who said that prosperity would be mine if only I'd accept it, but it felt as if I had no control over making more money. I was terrified of losing my business and my home, and I was getting sucked into a whirlpool of negativity. I questioned my self-worth and wondered how I could have the nerve to teach others about being successful. I was dangerously close to losing everything that I'd worked so hard to achieve.

Fortunately, I read a book by Deepak Chopra, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, that led me to my fourth epiphany:

"To have it all, you have to be willing to give it all up."

I thought about Dr. Chopra's words and tried to apply them to my own life. I knew what he was getting at: I needed to let go of the fear that I would lose myself if I lost my "things." I realized that if I did so, I'd truly be able to stop being so afraid. But did I have the courage to surrender it all?

The truth is that I didn't necessarily have to give up everything I had (I didn't have to relinquish my house, for example), but I understood that I had to be willing to give it all up. I had to be prepared to detach from what I owned, because by being attached to situations, I was creating powerful negative feelings. I didn't have faith that no matter what happened around me-regardless of what I might lose-I had the power to control my anxiety and fear and create happiness for myself. I was afraid that if I lost what I had, my destructive emotions would take charge of my life.

I realized that there was no reason to be possessive when it came to my material wealth if I could just have faith that everything in my life could be created again, because I'd created it in the first place. If you have the power to build, you have the power to rebuild. In my head, I trusted that money is just an outward manifestation of the abundance and wealth that's experienced within, but I had to be convinced of that in my heart. I finally understood that laboring to create the things I wanted for myself wasn't nearly as effective as working hard to create my desired emotions. I didn't have to work or think harder; I needed to forge the positive feelings that were associated with my goals.

If I wanted to be confident, I had to create the feeling of confidence, and the universe would respond by helping me succeed. If I hoped to be wealthy, I needed to create a feeling of richness and abundance, and the universe would bring me prosperity. I understood that what I co-created might not come in the form I expected. (For instance, maybe I'd draw in new clients, but it would be through an unexpected avenue-or I'd get the money I was seeking not by acquiring additional business, but through another source.) Of course, I had to work to make the most of the opportunities that the universe presented to me, but I now knew that I didn't have to continue to frantically struggle to achieve my goals. I could attract the situations that mirrored my feelings of happiness, abundance, and confidence.

When I began to genuinely believe that I'm more than what I have-that I'm not defined by what I've achieved, and I don't have to point to material goods as evidence of my worthiness-my life started to change dramatically. I created the emotions that I wanted to feel, and the newfound power within me allowed me to grow and prosper as I'd never done before in my life.

The Four Epiphanies and Your Destiny Switch

In the experience of sharing my story and coaching others who've walked a similar path, I find that the four epiphanies I had are continually affirmed:

1.You cannot escape from a prison unless you know you are in one. Negative emotions are a prison. Managing them is the key that unlocks the door.

2.Knowledge alone is not enough. It must be supplemented with deep understanding and practical application. Positive thoughts only have the power to change your life when they're fueled by positive emotions. Your heart has to truly believe that you can form your own destiny, and you must actively create and turn up the volume on positive feelings in order to achieve the life of your dreams.

3.It only takes a little bit of poison to kill. Never underestimate the destructive power of negative emotions. Remember that the antidote to the poison of negativity is positive emotions.

4.To have it all, you have to be willing to give it all up. If you feel deserving of it, you can create it; and if you created it once, you can do so again using the power of your positive emotions. There's no need to become attached to situations. No matter what changes in your life, the universe will respond to the call of your positive emotions and bring you what you need and desire . . . in its own time and its own way.

What became very clear to me through these epiphanies is that feelings are extremely powerful and completely shape our lives and our destinies. The better we're able to recognize our feelings, learn from them, and manage them, the easier it is to live out our purpose and find lasting happiness. I made it my passion to learn about working with emotions, and now I teach others how to harness the force of theirs and take charge of their own destiny.

In these pages, I'll explain the system that I've developed, which will help you identify and balance the powerful emotions that affect your daily life. My hope is that when you've finished reading this book, you'll enthusiastically begin a program of practicing the skills I've taught you, creating the life that you want to live. Whatever you desire-personally, professionally, or financially-you deserve it! I truly believe that you can create it for yourself by taking charge of your emotions and your Destiny Switch.

The following excerpt is taken from the new book, Your Destiny Switch, by Peggy McColl. It is published by Hay House (May 2007) and available at all bookstore or online at www.amazon.com.