Monday, October 17, 2005

Could somebody please tell me what exactly is the point? What’s the fucking point? Is there an answer to Why? Or How?It’s been 2 ½ months since my breakdown that landed me in the hospital. I have new antidepressants, I’ve been to 9 weeks of therapy, and my therapist says I finally have it all together. My life is all on track and finally all headed in the same direction. Today, though, might as well be July 4th all over again. I’ve hit a brick wall. The pills don’t work, and therapy was just a bunch of smoke and mirrors. I could talk the talk and as long as I believed the bullshit, it worked. Now, for whatever reason, the bullshit has fallen away and I’m stuck staring at the cold hard truth of reality and that is, nothing has changed. My life still sucks. There is no point. NONE.Save me the song and dance about how I have 3 beautiful children who need me. Great. I know that, I love them, more than my life (which at this point isn’t saying much) but what about what I need? What the fuck do I have? I have 3 kids who need me. I have a job that pays the bill, barely. But that’s just it, it is JUST A JOB!!!! It’s not a career, it’s not going to go anywhere, it bores me to tears and it barely pays the bills, but it’s the best paying job I’ve had in 8 years, I can’t afford to turn my back on the money. Period. My kids need to eat, they need a place to live, clothes to wear. I don’t have the luxury of finding a career I love, and would give me great satisfaction. I just have to settle for jobs that allow me and my kids to live just a teeny tiny step above the poverty level.That’s part of the problem. I don’t have the luxury of finding satisfaction in anything. I am forced to settle for what will get me and the kids from day to day, paycheck to paycheck. My sister wrote just Saturday that ‘Making it through the day is wasting your life’ Why wait till tomorrow to make your life better, what’s going to change tomorrow that can’t be changed today? I’m sure there will be emails from my sister about this, but this is the brute reality of my life. There is not going to be anything different tomorrow than today, than yesterday, than the past fucking year. Tomorrow will be more of the same bullshit, and the day after that, and the day after that and the next forever of tomorrows will be more of the same.The reality of my life is that it sucks. I am doing the best I can to get from today to tomorrow and from this paycheck to the next. Oh sure, sitting in your cushy life reading this it is so fucking easy to say ‘Well, get up and do something about it. Change it.’ Well excuse the fuck out of me, but why exactly should I? And How the fuck am I supposed to change it? Every minute I’m not at work I’m strapped to my kids taking care of them, providing for them, doing for them. You know when I get time for me? When I happen to lock myself in the bathroom for 5 minutes. Know what happens then? The kids decide it’s time to fight and argue and jump on furniture, and run around inside my house, and throw things and generally break every fucking rule I have in my house. I’m in the bathroom for 5 FUCKING MINUTES and my 6, 8 and 12 year old children can not behave! I’m done. I’ve hit my brick wall and I’m done. Fuck it all I’m done. Tomorrow will be the same, this week will be the same, next week will be the same, next month will be the same, next year will be the same. As far as I can see, it will all be the same.What exactly is the fucking point?

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