Putting the Sex Back Into Traditional

humor \ 2013-03-07

It is time to return to our sexual roots. We need to throw out the avant garde sex. You and your partner should no longer sit fully clothed in a darkened room emailing sex terms to each other. Stop making Tumblrs filled with .gifs of sex poses you want to do and sending them to your sex friend as foreplay (but please send links to me). Ramp up the sexual touching from eye-fucking to I’m-fucking.

“But wait,” you say, “I am already ingrained in a repetitive cycle of sensuous whispering and then falling asleep. I can’t stop!”

Now, I don’t want you to go cold turkey. Things need to be handled slowly. The first thing that must be done is to ask your partner if he or she wants to have sex. If yes, great, now you know where things stand. If no, well, try again next week. Should it continue that way, your best bet is to find a more sexually-active partner (I’m free for consultations).

Once you’ve established that sex is a possibility, it’s time to actually have sex. For those of you just starting with traditional sex, it helps to have a series of prescribed moves. Don’t think of this like chess (chess-sexing is for another column) where you have an opening, middle and end game. Think of this more like preparation for getting in the mood, just like one buys ice cream and gets dumped before watching a sad movie.

To start you off on the path to sexual freedom, here are some sure fire ways to traditionalize your sex:

“The Collectivizer:” Gather up a bunch of money from people on the promise of giving them a great sexual future. Steal the money, leaving them destitute, and fly to N.Y.C. to have a great weekend with a high-class escort. Repeat until 1991.

“Don’t Tread on Me:” You and twelve of your best friends all get drunk in a bar on Sam Adams. Proceed to have an orgy.

“The Horde:” Start by having sex with your neighbor. Gather all of his or her able bodied children and move down the street, repeating at each house. Continue this way until you reach Syracuse or are poisoned.

“The Importance of Being Earnest:” Express your desire to have sex with your partner over the course of a season. Refrain from having sex until enough comical antics happen.

“Six Months in a Leaky Boat:” Go on a cruise. Have sex with your partner until you’re bored. Use the boat crashing into an iceberg or Somalian pirates as a convenient excuse to break up. Do not ever draw him or her like someone from France, it’s just encouraging.

“Out of the Country” (Men only): Reject the strict heteronormative culture that you live in and have a secret affair with a man in an opium den. This country is a dirty place, isn’t it?

“The Poor Richard” (Women only): Decide that men are destroying society, move to the outlands of Brazil with your ladies and have a rollicking good time. Don’t forget mosquito netting and your barbells.

Now what do you do after sex? The Avant-Gardist in you might have stood outside and Instagrammed pictures of blackness. I suggest silently pretending to smoke a cigarette while writing in your diary about how scandalous you’re feeling. If you’re not ready to be that traditional yet, a fair compromise is to post the song “I Just Had Sex” on Facebook. No one will groan or be put off by this. Trust me, I do it constantly.

Just remember, the most important thing in your switch from avant garde to traditional is that you must have fun and meticulously document everything. Actually, the meticulous documentation is the most important part. The Library of Congress might acquire your sex journal and that’d be pretty sweet. Be sure to dedicate it to me.

Note: If you’re having “traditional sex” as I outlined above, re-read this column, but reverse everything I said and you’ll read about how I want you to have avant garde sex. It’s two columns for the price of one!