E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S

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August 31, 2006

Holy Crap We're 2/3 of the Way Through 2006 ALREADY?

And holy fucking shit, I finally think the light is starting to dawn in their eyes. Here is a powerful and amazing statement on Al Jazeera television (if you can fucking believe it). The woman is Wafa Sultan, an Arab-American psychologist from Los Angeles. The stupid ass she debated against was soundly thrashed to the point where his only come back was to call her a 'heretic'. Anyway, Wafa Sultan has my respect and she should have yours, too. Yet some other chicks? Not so much!

Contrary to popular believe, no I was not the dumbass who tried to jump his ATV over a canal down here. Although it did happen about an hour from me. And trust me, for that kid to have launched 92 feet, he sure as fuck wasn't in the process of slowing down. Yep, the Florida Crackers sure do love their ATV's down here.

Ernie. You’ll LOVE this place. I found it while drunk one night about 8 years ago and every now & then I revisit it - they always have something interesting going on. I think they're a web design company, but it's hard to tell. It’s the slickest site I’ve ever seen. You can play with everything. They were doing this stuff before anyone that I can recall. I wouldn't be shocked if they did the skeleton you linked last week. Play with the main page – toss the balls around (no, it’s not a gay thing)...then when you get bored with that, check the archive. Some are really, really wicked cool. Take 'er easy, and I Hope Jake's doing well. Attached is a shot of my goofball, who I rescued shortly after donating to the cause of Jake... Your site done & got me in the mood to adopt, so chalk up one more rescue to EHOWA. He's 17 months now... I call this shot, "dog discovers pasta". He’s much more mellow now-a-days. Best, Scott

On the reverse end of crashing quads, something cool did happen down here in Florida last week. See for yourself. Now that's a pretty hefty respect for accomplishment, eh?

From DisgruntedGoat on the forums: This guy is 79 years old and recording videos of himself telling stories from back in the day - some about WWII, some about just growing old. It was like listening to my grandfather tell stories. It's nice to watch.

Ladies, is your man losing interest in you? Or even worse, do you suspect he's cheating? If so I can offer you this 100% guaranteed, double your money back guarantee of a way to keep his attention. It has never failed, ever.

Yep, I'm Just Gonna Chill Through This One.

I swung to the grocery store to pick up some dog food yesterday and sure enough, people were in there clearing the shelves of bottled water and milk. Like somehow that's going to save them. Just pay attention to the fucking news people... all you have to do is catch a 10 second news clip to know this wasn't going to be a major storm.

Ever the epitome of style and design, the Lamborghini Murcielago's gull wing doors open upwards, instead of outwards like a conventional car. This makes you the focus of attention when you pull up to the swankiest spots in town. It also makes you one dead motherfucker when you flip the vehicle on its roof, it catches fire, and you're trapped inside to roast alive.

In the Ball Puzzle Race, the blue ribbon goes to Chad who was the first to complete the game at 3:04pm yesterday. Still completing the game but sucking hind tit were Travis & Jeff who did so late last evening. I'm sure you guys were very excited to be the first ones to win!

All Hyped Up For That?

Hmmm, looks like Ernesto might swing Easto. Which is good, I'm not complainint, but I sure as hell was ready for the worst.

Hey, wife and I were at the Horse Smoke Out in NC, sittin in some shade and saw the Rowen County special rescue Unit thought, "Now that's just special" I aAsked wife if she could rescue me later on, Iucky me. - Warden

With improved armor protecting our toops over in Iraq, insurgents have taken to a new kind of trap, as can be viewed here. Be careful guys!

CONE OF PROBABILITY
1 oz. cinnamon schnapps
1 sugar cone
Pour the schnapps into the sugar cone. Every time you hear a TV weatherman say, "cone of probability," bite off the end of the cone and down the shot. If you hear Jim Cantore say it, drink two shots consecutively. (they should change this to the "Cantore Zone"... damn him. Have you ever noticed that, despite all the cone of probability talk, if Cantore is parked in front of your house your ass is toast?)

FEEDER BAND
2 oz. Midori
2 oz. rum
1 scoop
vanilla ice cream
After your home loses power, combine Midori and rum in a cocktail glass. Add a scoop of the vanilla ice cream that is melting in your freezer. Stir and drink through a straw.

DOWNED POWER LINE
1 1/2 oz. rum
5 oz. Jolt Cola
Combine ingredients in a cocktail glass. Drink while trying to figure out how the heck you're supposed to go two freakin' weeks without television and AC.

COLD SHOWER
2 oz. Blue Aftershock
4 oz. Sprite
Combine in a cocktail glass with crushed ice you received after waiting in line for three hours at a mall parking lot. Take a deep breath, sip and scream like a little girl when the cold beverage hits your tongue. Repeat.

Knock, Knock. Who's There? Emerson.

Well, this nice young lady reminded me what time of the year it is! That's right, about time to kick off the BEst Tits 2006 contest! And ladies, please allow me to apologize in advance for the sins I shall commit. And this year, in addition to donations to breast cancer research, I'm going to try to do some boobie prizes for everyone who enters. So everyone get their cameras ready.

Ernie, Finally figured out level 20 on nucleus, to bad I didn't pass that damn kidney stone yet. What really sucks is I got to level 20 with 10 attempts. I will keep at it! [23 attempts] Peace.. Kurt

A Little Feedback From My Peeps Today.

Every once in awhile I like to reserve a post specifically for reader feedback and let people sound off. Today is one of those days. And just so you know I'm not just being lazy, here's what I have on the menu for upcoming posts. My thoughts on gun control. The first time I used the word "nigger" in anger. The time I shot a hole in my kitchen wall with my .45 handgun (completely due to my own stupidity). And politics (or my lack thereof). So please, without any further ado, I turn the floor over to Troy and Mark to get things started...

Hey Ernie. Long time reader, first time writing in. I just read the story about the guy whose plane was destroyed by hail, and I'm thinking it's the real deal. I live in Calgary Alberta and we got some pretty fierce hail here on the date in the photos. I sent a camera phone pic called Big Hail that has some grape size stuff in it taken from my patio. Other parts of the province got it much worse than we did here. I tried to find a link to a local newspaper story about it, but to no avail. At any rate, I'm guessing that it's a legit series of photos. Love the site, thanks for helping keep me entertained all these years bro. Take care. -Troy

Dear Ernie. Love your site check it out every day keeps me going. Those pics of the airplane that was hit by hail look a lot like a plane that I worked on in the early 80s. It was a 727 owned by Ruan air leasing. It was leased to the United States Post Office and was struck by hail on departure from Phoenix sky harbor. The reason that I believe it to be that plane is on take off, they hit the hail at about 3,000 feet and the pilot who sits in the left hand seat turned the plane hard left to protect his windshield, thus peppering the right side of the airplane the hardest. If they would have been flying strait and level at 35,000 feet like the author says, both windows would have been hit equally hard just my opp. - Mark

So that tells me, the plane pictures are still a mystery. I mean sure, it's definitely a plane what had its ass kicked by hail, but did it happen this week or almost two decades ago, is anyone's guess. Either way, I'm sure the flight crew wasn't laughing at the time.

Ernie, OK…. This is something I saw today. I was driving on base and had seen a unique license plate frame on the truck. Coincidentally I pulled into the same parking lot and the truck backed into a parking spot. I walked up to the driver and asked him if he knew what kind of license plate frame he had on the back of his truck. His reply was, "Well, my wife had that specially made for me." I just started to walk away, the poor guy was wanting to explain everything and I insisted I didn't need any further details. Have a good laugh, and it's not Photoshop. Take care and have fun. - Chad

Hmmm, well, his wife sounds like a Grade-A cunt. I bet she just leeches off that poor bastard, like there's no tomorrow. I do bet being that high up, his headlights shine pretty good and you can see things you wouldn't normally catch in a car.

Dude, you got to check this story out...it was on Drudge Report today. It's a story about how a Washington town is being terrorized by a gang of raccoons who kill cats. 10 dead and counting. It's fucking hilarious, but seriously written. They talk about how gangs of raccoons are hunting down cats and killing them, and how a gang of coons jumped a small dog and dragged it off in the woods. The funniest party of the article is when they talk about the gang leader...a witness calls him "one really big bad dude." - Matt

Okay, so there we have it. Planes, trucks, and raccoons. I think that covers just about everything, and I hope you're all happy to have had this opportunity to speak. w00t.

I Got A Couple Things For Ya.

Well, it looks like Laura has the crown in Nucleus with 35 attempts. So guys, if any of you think you have the balls or the brains to dethrone this young lass, time to step up as there's not much time left!

Last night circa 2300 our BAX aircraft flight 705BX encountered severe weather over Alberta Canada. The aircraft was cruising at 35,000 feet when it encountered tennis ball sized hail. The pictures below show some of the damage. All landing lights were destroyed, as was the radar. The crew was forced to make a "blind" emergency landing. Upon safe return to the ground the first officer and flight engineer quit. It is expected that the aircraft is a total loss as its structural integrity has been compromised. (Ernie says, I tried to confirm these via some news article, but couldn't find anything. So is the story accurate? I dunno...) [photos]

They say everyone has their price, and apparently, this whore's is $9.99. Somehow I think I'm gonna feel jipped on that one. Yep, some people are just fucking morons.

Smile Pretty For The Camera.

Let's start off with a little something from the "Oooooo! Ahhhhhh!" category shall we? For starters, some pictures of Shuttle Discovery's return to flight in July of 2005. Yeah I know they're a little dated, but I just got em. Anyway, the last three pictures are of the Solid Rocket Booster recovery. Now check out these videos from the actual SRB's themselves. First facing backwards... watch Florida get smaller and smaller. Now facing forward... watch the shuttle get smaller and smaller. Coooooooooool. I'm sure glad they came home safe.

I have just bought one of those little choppers bikes and I seen those mini license plates and thought of a sweet idea. I thought it would be cool to show on your site. Rock on! - Robert

Awwww, I Loved All Your Moms, Too.

Okay, here's how Nucleus us shaping up. Right now, brian is in the lead by completeing the entire game with only 86 restarts. And no, I am not giving points for creativity for those who make it tothe final level to get the passwortd, restart and complete with 1 try.

We're Feeling Very Visual Today.

Get In Line Right Behind Your Mom!

Samuel L. Jackson on The Daily Show to promote Snakes on a Plane, discussing whether he dies or not and the possibility of a sequel. That's right, Samuel said snakes on a motherfuking plane!

Okay, since the last Game Challenge of Virus kind of sucked because as soon as you beat the game the screen went blank... we have our next up to bat. If I'm not mistaken, I've posted it before, but ti was back when I wasn't keeping track of who's score got what. it's a game called Nucleus and you're only going to need your mouse button and a lot of patience. You might think it's easy at first, but wait until you his covalent bonds in level 6. it just gets worse with ionic and metallic bonds. UPDATE: Neal made Level 15

Hey Ernie, Love your site it kicks ass. The bulldozer flipped over because the guy tried to load it on the lowboy trailer as seen in one of the pictures. He had some wood on the ground behind the truck to give the machine a "leg-up" and was going to crawl up on the beaver tail of the truck. He didn't take into account that he didn't have any attachment on the dozer to counter balance the weight shift, also no R.O.P.S. (Roll over protection system) or just plain roll bars. Also the machine had such a high center of gravity that it almost had to do that unless he would have loaded it off of a nice high ramp or pile of dirt. I load machines like that all the time in my line of work, operator for a demolition company, but I will take it a bit slower now that I have seen what is possible. Thanks for helping me while away the hours. DemoDave

This happened on the Kalgoorlie to Perth Road (Australia). A culvert was being installed across the road with a detour gravel road graded around the whole area. The truck driver had just blown clean on through the detour signs and punted straight into the trench. He survived with minor injuries. [photos]

I'm Sorry, I Didn't Catch Your Name.

I saw a bumper sticker that read, "A bad day of fishing is better than a good day at work." Hmmm, I wonder if this guy still thinks that's true? Him, probably not. But this guy, whoa-ho! You better believe he had a bad day at work. After the picked the bulldozer up off him, it looks like a scene out of Clerks where he broke his neck trying to suck his own dick! By the way, exactly how the hell do you flip over a bulldozer on level ground?

Ya Know, Somehow I Find This Lady Kinda Hot.

A ceasefire. In the Middle East. Riiight. I'll tell you what folks. I promise I'm not going to jerk off for as long as this cease fire lasts. And we all know, I love jerking off. And my guess is I'll be rubbing one out like usual no later than this weekend. You watch and see.

We've all seen the shortened version of Scarface where it's just fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck. Hmmm, I wonder what would happen if they did the same thing for Deadwood? Hmmmmmm? I bet their blooper reel must be a hoot.

Holy shit, will you check out this hot chick on the left! Yowsa! What a looker! Seriously, why even bother taking that picture? What's the point? I sure wish I knew.

Hey Ernie, I was wondering if you could help me get a few hits on an ebay auction I have for Breast Implants. I figured boobs are one of the highlights of your site, so this might be fitting. As always, keep up the good work... Carl

How do you spell idiot? "Contractor" The best part of this story is that the inspector told him this might happen. They got it out late that night. - Warren, Alabama

Since the Middle East has been in the news for a long time it occurred to me how little we knew about it. So, here is a test. It is only a geography test. It's amazing how little we truly know about the area that has been in the headlines for so long... But then again, once it's all glowing from our nukes, will anyone even care?

Wow, I've Never Done It On My Own Before.

If you're a fan of Ricky Bobby, you can show it one of two ways. If you're a pussy you can simply sign up for the Fast Club. But if you're a man?! Well now, if you're a man... well then there's only one way to show your love!

Ern, I went to lunch on Monday and wanted to suffer through fast food. Ordered my chicken filet sandwich and started to eat. About halfway through I noticed it was a little chewy and decided to glance at my inner sandwich. Whoa! I haven't seen pink like that since........well, since I completely undercooked a chicken breast. Needless to say I rampaged back to the store and got a $30 gift card to purchase around 22 more raw chicken sandwiches. Sons of bitches. I will never eat there again. Seriously. Andy

Awww, daddy must be proud! Well, this tattoo should make this girl easy to spot when she starts doing hardcore porn, or for when her father has to identify her body. Either, or works for me.

A coworker and I decided to put some bumper stickers on another co-worker's car to get him some extra attention. He got flipped off, yelled at, and tailgated. Successful mission! - Clint

Ernie, I'm sending an attachment of a Walgreen's receipt I got a couple weeks ago. I was doing my filing and noticed the greeting at the top of it. Nice. Thanks, Mark

Kite Tube Recalled After Two Deaths, Several Dozen Injuries - In cooperation with the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, Sportsstuff, Inc., is voluntarily recalling about 19,000 Wego Kite Tubes. The CPSC has received reports of two deaths and 39 injury incidents, with 29 of those resulting in the need for medical treatment. Those injuries included a broken neck, a punctured lung, chest and back injuries and facial injuries. [read more...]

Yeah, I Spent The Mornin Searching For Some Pussy On My Computer.

Somebody sent in these photographs of Maria Sharapova doing an unveiling for Range Rover, but I've looked for an hour and I'll be goddamned if I can see the vehicle anywhere. Can you?

Good news.Nobody was injured when the The Australianship HMAS Perth ran into the pier back in the 1980's. The bad news is, they disciplined the ship by blowing the motherfucker up and turning into an artificial reef. Check out the live UNDERWATER webcam here.

Ernie, Here is the screen capture of my score, I don't think it will hold as the EHOWA nation is one smart machine. Love the site, looking forward to LBEH - it is one of the greatest things I contribute to every year. If you could send an attaboy out to my Nephew, U.S. Army Specialist Mike R (pic attached) - who graduated last week from Ranger school. He is an engineer in the 2-7 out of Georgia. His family is grateful for his service and proud of his accomplishment. He spent over a year in Iraq and is due to have boots on ground in Kuwait in December. Thanks, Dano

Howdy, I love your challenges and I tried the Virus game and came across a small problem. Once you defeat the game, it doesn't continue. It has one level and the final screen is displayed for only 2 seconds before another screen come on and asks if you would like to play again. How ever many spots you dominate in the end, that is your score. I was able to get a score of 435 but have no screen shot to show for it. On a bright note, once you start to win, the shit talk stops. Please keep up the great work and have a great day. Bird

So if it looks like you're going to kick the game's ass, you better be pretty quick with that Print-Screen button...

Awww, Everyone Loves Midgets.

One of the ways we've come up with to limit the number of IED (roadside bombs) attacks is to monitor our most heavily traveled areas using Predators. They are very quiet and fly high enough so that they can't be heard or seen. And because they don't have a pilot, they can fly over 24 hours at a time. In this video, a Predator comes upon three insurgents planting an IED. It then contacts a nearby F-16 who then drops a 500 lb bomb on them. BTW, the person controlling the Predator is 8,000 miles away at Nellis AFB in Nevada [video]

Okay. Arithmetiles. High score is Brandon with 235,550 and now Arcade Lines is Erick with 1,288. And remember people - try to be a little unique with your file names - sending me "myscore.jpg" gets overwritten 20 other people. Okay. Next challenge? I was thinking about Virus. Pretty simple. Green (you) vs Red (computer). Rotate one piece clockwise 90 degrees at a time. Whoever takes over the screen wins. You'll see how it's played once you go a few turns. I ain't got no score yet, but I will soon.

That guy who dances online? His name is Matt. He's a a 29-year-old who's created quite a buzz and his own personal stardom with his Internet video postings. Matt travels the world. In each country he visits, he does a little dance and records it. You can watch videos of him dancing all over the world. He's been doing it for several years now. I won't say Matt's dancing compares to Fred Astaire's; but I do admire his spirit. wherethehellismatt.com

Lego My Eggo.

Holy fucking shit does this girl look like Lindsay Lohan, or what? And I'm talking about the hot one, not the skinny bag of antlers one. She could make a metric assload of money as a stripper, starting with my $20.

Okay, idea solicitation time. I'd actually like to start giving out prizes for the Game Challenges I've been issuing -- nothing huge, just a small token like copy of some crazy fucking movie or something. But. As I have reason to suspect a conspiracy is underfoot, as I believe I've received one photoshopped score already, I can only imagine that things will get worse once prizes are on the line when people will do anything to win. So how to keep people honest? Any ideas? By the way, Mike, I've restored your high score.

After I received these hand injury pictures, I pinged the guy back asking for some any background relating to how the injury occured, but I haven't received a reply yet. But somehow I got a hunch that says that booze was involved...

Hmmm, here's an interview that I bet you'll wish you could unsee afterwards.

Today Is All Boobs And Star Wars!

Current high score in Arithmetiles is Snowbomb with 176k. One person sent in a pic of what might have been a higher score, but the image was so fucking small I couldn't read it. Don't worry about resizing the screen captures - just send me the whole thing and I'll resize/crop as necessary. Plus, I need to see the url of the game you played at, so I can make sure you're playing the same (limited) one we are and not trying to backdoor anybody. Also, a new Switcher high score (Jeff), and Blow Up (Mike). And remember, game challenges are posted here.

So We're Speeding Right Along!

Links, links, links. Porting all the counted links over to linkfacts has been completed, and things are buzzing along MUCH fucking faster. Hopefully, all the little quirks that were happening before with linkcounter will have disappeared. If anyone has any problems with the new counting mechanism, by all means, lemme know. In the meantime, rock on Darth Vader.

Ok, let's get started. I made a page to post all the game challenges we've had to date. I've also received some new scores for Switcher and Arithmetiles (155k) which I still have to post. Hey a brotha's only got two hands. And speaking of needing two hands, hey ladies, I've got something for you. Now I don't wanna brag or nothing, but I will tell you it's almost 20 inches long. So seriously, if you think I'm sexy and ya want my body, c'mon baby let me know.

This isn't exactly a joke as much as it is an amusing thing that happened, but this email fit better than the attachment one. Our county fair traditionally has a demolition derby. It's also a tradition for someone to streak the derby. Last year someone got tazed, so there was a lot of question as to whether or not the tradition would be continued. Well, here is a video to show just how well the tradition was kept up. This guy takes six punches to the ribs from the head of the county sherrif's office. All we ask is that you give Redneckracing.com credit for the video. - Brett "Porkchop" S.

Looks like the fucking whack jobs at Westboro Baptist Chursh are setting themselves to bite off more than they can chew. I sense a hastened bill passing sometime soon. You know, to be completely honest, I'm surprised nobody has killed these people yet. Seriously. Like a distraught family or a veteran with PTSD. Just walk up to Fred Phelps at a protest, and with no screaming or arguing, just whip out a gun and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! And let's be honest, not a jury in the world would convict. Am I right?

Man, It's So Hot I'm Seeing Double!

- That Star Jones went back to The View just to get the cold shoulder from Barbara Walters.- That Mel Gibson went to the synagogue just to get a chilly reception.

And speaking of Mel and the trouble he's in. The DUI is the least of his fucking worries. I'd be more worried about how he's going to explain these pictures to Mrs. Gibson! Uh oh! Alcohol sure does make us do crazy things. Ha!

Watch this and remember it when you watch the news about the middle east. The first example is a little weak. But hang around at least for the production of "Man shooting into building". Gotta love those poor poor Palestinians. [video] - Tom P.

Out with the old, in with the new. The game challenge for Arrow Tag is officially over. The winner was not Ken with 3:53, nor was it Shane with 3:50. it was Mike from NJ with 3:47 to take the checkered flag. And if last week you told me that game could be completed in under four minutes, I'd have called you a fuckin liar. Good job guys. Which brings us to...

Now granted, that's a pretty cool fucking game, and it makes you think. Plus once I discovered you can get more points by recycling the tiles, I was off and running. My only convern is the 8 level max, but eh, maybe you guys don't care and it's just a who can score the most points in 8 levsls kind of challenge? So I'll leave it up to you guys. Anybody else got a suggestion, or shall we go with Arithmetiles?

A few people wrote in regarding yesterday's gory movie clip...

Just thought I'd let you know that the clip you linked to for the gory film is from Ichi the Killer... And you can even get yourself a copy from Amazon that has English voice over if I'm not mistaken... John (and Bob and Edmond)

And They've Got Hourly Service! Walk-Ins Welcome!

Arcade Lines Update! The first person to actually complete the game was Todd, coming from a USMC gaming site, with 22+ minutes. This is good, but nowhere near Shane's 4:18, which I found pretty amazing. That is, until Andy from Ohio, came in with a 4:04. Ouch. So unless someone breaks the 3 minute mark, we can pretty much declare this game challenge over! Also, since these are going over so well, I'm going to make a Game Challenge section here on EHOWA, where you can look up all the challenges to date and each winner's high scores will live forever.I search now for the next game...

Oh, C'mon Now, We've All Done It.

Jesus Christ, so Mel Gibson got loaded and mouthed off a bit. Yippee skip. Let the one person among us who hasn't made a complete asshole of themselves when they were hammered speak up now. ... ... ... Yeah, that silence you heard was all of looking at our shoes. Look if you want to say 'naughty-naughty' because he got tagged for DUI, then go for it. But anything you say in a drunken stupor shall now be held against you in the court of Ernie Law. Besides, if after seeing Passion of the Christ you're really surprised that Mel doesn't like Jews, you need to have your fucking head examined. Who the fuck cares what he thinks? Wake up people, we've all done something stupid at one time or another. Besides, he's in enough shit as it is.