Show those motherf*ckers you're serious!™

July 08, 2005

RVS.org sez: "Cut & Run!"

ReverseVoteSwappers are doubtless sick of hearing liberal hawks fall on top of each other, racing to prove that they aren't calling for an end to the devastation in Iraq. Pro-war candidate John Kerry, heavily supported by the anti-war movement, elevated "I'm not saying cut and run" to the status of "pragmatic" mantra for pro-war Democrats. Now, nearly every time Democrats make a statement about the war on Iraq, they preface it with a solemn vow that "cut and run" is most certainly not the strategy that they are advocating. Most take it a step further and claim that "Nobody's saying cut and run," when in fact that is precisely what most people are saying; of course, we usually use far less obtuse phrases like Bring the troops home now! or US out of Iraq!

But since "Cut and Run" is apparently the only terminology hawks like Kerry, Clinton, Biden, et al. can understand, ReverseVoteSwap.org is proud to launch the Cut & Run Caucus! Now that US troops are in Iraq are bogged down fighting an indigenous resistance movement in an increasingly turbulent environment, the only practical solution is to get the hell out of there. Anything else is an affront to basic common sense. So cut and run, y'all!

Transcript: "Cut & Run Causus" Announcement Press Conference

RVS.ORG: 'Sup fools. We at ReverseVoteSwap.org are proud to announce our first foray out of the world of organizing and into the distinct, non-overlapping world of politics: the Cut & Run Caucus! This Caucus is a savvy, pragmatic coalition of elected officials who have united under our leadership to demand an immediate end to the occupation of Iraq, without meeting a single one of America's strategic goals.

The Cut & Run Caucus adheres to the following points of unity:

Iraq is better than America and will kick our ass at war.

No draft, no military, no doing anything for this shitty country generally.

Support our sorry, outclassed troops by bringing them home.

Learn Chinese to better serve our future masters.

We'd be happy to take any questions at this point.

How many members does the Caucus have now?

The Cut & Run Caucus is, as they say, "Green and Growing!" Which is to say, we have no members. Unfortunately, given the unpragmatic nature of the major parties, we don't expect many of them to embrace the "cut and run" message until it becomes really, really obvious that that's exactly what we're going to do. However, we are examining the possibility of running our own homegrown candidates. Stay tuned!

Isn't this appeasement? Isn't this telling the terrorists they've won?

Two responses. First: what a fucking stupid question. Second: yes. The way we see it, if the terrorists sought to disfigure our society with irrational fear, they've obviously won. If they wanted to draw us into crazy Mideast wars that we'd be too stupid and weak to win, they got us there too. If they wanted to screw up our economy, well, we probably didn't need their help. Maybe if we admit to being crushed like insects, they'll feel sorry for us.

Shouldn't we stay to help the Iraqi people with reconstruction?

Come on man, everyone knows Americans can't build things or do any practical work. All our best people are H1-B, foreign students, or undocumenteds. Even if there are some Americans who know shit, we can't send them to Iraq without having the whole country fall apart in their absence. So who's left? A bunch of lawyers, MBAs, cops, and prison guards. Well, we think the Iraqis can shyster, thieve, beat, and torture themselves if they want to.

If US troops leave, won't Iraq descend into civil war?

In a little over 200 years, the US has had an independence war, a civil war, dozens of labor uprisings, and almost continual race riots. This is addition to basically wiping out the people who really lived here. Americans are serious trouble-makers, it's surprising other countries issue us visas.

One more question.

If you could deliver one snappy, catchphrase-like message to the American people, what would it be?

July 09, 2005

C&RC: "Doin' Shit Is The Root of Terrorism"

The Cut & Run Caucus has issued a statement on the July 7 terrorist attack in London. We reproduce it below.

Cut & Run Caucus Statement on July 7 Bombings:
"Doin' Shit Is The Root of Terrorism"

The Cut & Run Caucus was horrified to learn of the bombings in London. We extend our deepest sympathies to the British people and sincerely hope that this tragedy will not shake their determination to search out and destroy the freedom-hating evildoers who govern the United Kingdom.

Misleaders like British Prime Minister Tony Blair claim that al-Qaeda and similar groups despise Western civilization. That is a lie--at most they find it irritating, and certainly less so than most Westerners. What they really hate is the shit we do; doin' shit is the root of terrorism.

We in the C&RC have always maintained that all this shit we were doing was going to make shit crazy, and then we'd really see some shit. These prophetic warnings have now been realized with stunning precision. Only the most rapid, calamitous, and unstrategic cutting and running from all our imperial projects and ambitions can save us from the scourge of terrorism.

August 01, 2005

C&RC on the John Roberts Nomination

The Cut & Run Caucus has issued the following statement on the Roberts nomination.

Cut & Run Caucus on the John Roberts Nomination:
"America Is Not Ready for Such a White Justice"

The Cut & Run Caucus was deeply disturbed to learn of President Bush's nomination of John Roberts to the Supreme Court. Of course he is a political nightmare, but that would hardly phase us; what is most troubling is his unbelievable whiteness. At this point in our nation's history, America is not ready for such a white Supreme Court Justice.

This is, of course, a pretty white country, and, in spite of a growing population of ethnic minorities, seems to be getting whiter all the time. But even still, we no longer live in the age of sock hops, Zoot Suits, Queen Victoria, and whatever else cracker stuff used to be the big thing. The country is simply not prepared for a Supreme Court Justice who makes Toby Keith look like Afrika Bambaataa. America has, as the youth say, "moved on dot org."

The Cut & Run Caucus calls on the United States Senate to refuse confirmation to this racist monkey honky-dog thieving pirate.

August 03, 2005

C&RC: Advice for Immigrants on Whitey-Avoidance

The Cut & Run Caucus, upon learning of the recent subway execution of Brazilian Jean-Charles Menezes by London cops, experienced the same range of emotions felt by all sensible people the world over: intense anger, profound sorrow, and a deep sense of holy fucking shit they shot him eight times!

Much has been made of the fact that Menezes was in Britain on an expired student visa, as though this bit of useless information made the punishment fit the crime. This horrific murder of an innocent immigrant signals increased scrutiny of those in Britain and the US on student visas. As we have said before, given that the majority of competent individuals residing in the US are foreign-born, attacks against immigrants threaten to fuck up the shit of the very fabric of the nation.

Therefore, the Cut & Run Caucus would like to offer a a preview of our forthcoming primer for immigrants, particularly those on student visas, so that their stays in the US might be as terror-free as reasonably possible. Of course, these are only safety precautions, not solutions. Attacks on immigrants will continue until the US finally decides to cut and run the hell out of Iraq.

Cut and run, y'all!

Preview: "The Cut & Run Caucus Guide for Immigrants Enduring Life in the US"

From the Introduction

Greetings, immigrants! Doubtless, numerous whites have told you that this is a land of freedom, opportunity, and tolerance. Sensibly, you ignored these statements, and have spent your time in the US keeping your head down, struggling to support your family, and doing your level best to avoid whitey and his strange, unprovoked wrath. We hope that this guidebook can provide you with some valuable assistance in this area.

First, a note about whitey. You have most likely developed the impression that US whites are a bunch of gun-toting sociopaths. This is a healthy impression, and we will not attempt to dissuade you of it. However, you should know that in truth, most white Americans are just distressed, hapless people, incapable of any real harm. (We suggest watching 80s hip hop videos for an accurate representation of US whites.) Knowing this, though, will not keep you any safer, which is why this guidebook is so important.

Advice Regarding Interactions With the Local Bacon

Of course, as you already know, the po-po should be avoided at all costs. This is simply basic common sense. These are just some things to keep in mind on the off chance that you do find yourself nose to nose with one of these goons.

No sudden movements. They're likely drunk, and can get confused by quick gestures.

They have a terrible time with verbal communication. Therefore, slow your speech, and be sure to speak loudly. It's also not a bad idea to always carry the means for non-verbal communication in case you find yourself dealing with a particularly dumb specimen. A pad of paper for stick figure drawings, a simple puppet stage, or Etch-a-Sketch will all do nicely.

Remember: Cops know absolutely nothing about the law. That is why, it all likelihood, the first question a cop will ask you will be, "Uhh, are you allowed to do that?" Cop authority, rather than being legally based, has complicated tribal origins. To a cop, the only thing that matters is the question of whose balls are being busted. Hence a cop will say either, "Listen, I'm not tryin' to bust your balls," or "Why you tryin' to bust my balls?" if you try to explain yourself.

Avoid eye contact. In cop society, eye contact is interpreted as part of a complex, primitive ritual. If you make eye contact, cops will assume that you are trying to fight over a potential mate or donut. Hence if eye contact is made, avert your gaze and let the cop know, slowly and loudly, that you are by no means interested in busting his balls.

Things to Remember While Using US Public Transport

Nothing. US mass-transit is an urban legend.

Odds and Ends

Anything in the US labeled "World's Greatest" or "World Champion" or "International Sensation" can be assumed to mean "decent by American standards."

Don't drink the water! Many a tourist and immigrant has suffered greatly and developed what is often labeled "Carnegie's Revenge." Water in US cities lead-filled to the point that you can usually taste it. Rural water supplies, while often tastier, are generally full of pesticides. Stick to imported Perrier just to be safe!

In case martial law is declared, be sure to always know the location of the nearest Cuban or Venezuelan embassy.

The US is filled with vicious gangs, which are involved in all manner of criminal enterprise: brainwashing, graft, and child prostitution in particular. Stay safe--steer clear of Catholic churches and related entities! (Immigrants from Catholic countries will already know about this one.)

August 11, 2005

C&RC Announces "America Is Fucked Occupation Stay-Home"

[ReverseVoteSwap.org is pleased to support the following initiative by the Cut & Run Caucus.]

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld recently announced a America Supports You Freedom Walk on September 11, 2005. This march--sorry, "freedom walk"--will commemorate the fact that, since 9/11, Americans have been getting violently killed at an unusually high rate, even by American standards. The Cut & Run Caucus can appreciate the sentiment behind such an event, but we feel that it's ultimately not in keeping with the prevailing national mood, which is dominated by feelings of defeat and self-hatred. Inasmuch as such feelings encourage Americans to cut and run, they are the road to national salvation, and must be encouraged.

The C&RC is therefore proud to announce the AMERICA IS FUCKED OCCUPATION STAY-HOME! Read on for the exciting details!

About the America Is Fucked Occupation Stay-Home

What is the America Is Fucked Occupation Stay-Home (AIFOSH)?

The AIFOSH is an event on September 11 that allows us to commemorate how fucked America is and has been since 9/11--maybe even earlier--and reflect on how to get ourselves out of all this shit.

What is the AIFOSH route?

AIFOSH participants will gather at their individual homes and, in a massive show of national ennui, stay there. In an extra display of solidarity, try not to change out of your pajamas.

Who is supporting the AIFOSH?

The Cut & Run Caucus

ReverseVoteSwap.org

www.ReverseVoteSwap.org

http://www.ReverseVoteSwap.org

The Liberal Media (oh snap!)

Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney (invited)

Why is the Cut & Run Caucus organizing this event?

As we watched the attacks of 9/11 unfold, all Americans were united in thinking: "We must find the people who are behind this terrible act, and give those mofos whatever they want! Oh shit!" Sadly, these courageous feelings of surrender were manipulated by warmongering politicians, and the country was drawn into a war with these mofos who are like serious. With the AIFOSH we hope to recapture that 9/11 sense of capitulationist panic, but tempered with the cool malaise that only four years of continuous, losing war can bring.

What is the message of the AIFOSH?

We're hoping to convey the following powerful messages:

America is fucked.

America's military men and women are even more fucked than the rest of America generally.

August 15, 2005

C&RC: "Defend Iraq from Militant Christianism"

[The Cut & Run Caucus has issued the following statement on the looming threat of fundamentalism in post-Saddam Iraq.]

Everyone wants a democratic and secular Iraq, in which all forms of religious expression are accepted and tolerated by the state, up to and including the most crazy-ass ones. The realization of this dream, however, seems less rather than more likely as the occupation continues. The post-Saddam government of Iraq, rather than representing the full diversity of religious belief throughout the nation, is dominated by a single ideology of extremism.

Although the majority of Iraqis declare themselves to be simply "Muslim" without referring to any one branch or another, the authority of state power and the control of military forces within Iraq is dominated utterly by extremist, militant Christianism.

Bush himself, who, as US Emperator, holds Iraq as his personal fiefdom and pleasure colony, subscribes to a shadowy branch of Christianism known as Methodism. An offshoot of the Church of England, early Methodists were renowned for their fanaticism and intense desire to convert the hapless masses to their ascetic and narrow Christianist Methods.

Despite the passage of centuries, contemporary Christianists are united in their extremist beliefs. Some Christianists are rumored to ritualistically consume small amounts of transubstantiated blood on a weekly basis, although this has not been confirmed and is a controversial claim. But Christianists are quite open about their political aims, if not their mysterious ceremonies. They seek to hold women in permanent subservience to their husbands. They seek to eliminate all references to biology (particularly human physiology) from the education systems within nations under their control. They seek to remove any vestiges of modern infrastructure so that they might refer all financial and welfare questions to the purview of autocratic religious officials.

Truly, these are dangerous extremists. Their domination over US society is nearly complete; it is our duty in the belly of the beast to to prevent these dangerous Christianists from inflicting similar misfortunes on the Middle East.

There is only one way to prevent yet another nation from falling under the domination of this dark ideology: Cut and run, y'all!