Butterfly

This is something I wrote a while ago. I was really depressed at the time and pretty much had a broken heart. Bad times! Writing stuff like this is therapeutic for me

Something calls me to pick up a pen and begin to write some wordsI made a blunder now it's a wonder I'm still here but inspite of this world
I try to get back up and take flight like a bird
But I can't see a future maybe my sight is blurred
All I see is darkness and still it might not occur
To head for light cause like a moth I might get burned
Opportunities spurned, don't know which direction is right to turn
Future's not so bright now unless I fight and learn
To let go of the past, my stomach churns as I spit out dreamsAnd poison in one big blast of emotion, it seems
Like I'm going too fast - too much motion yet I stand still
Nothing makes sense except smell cause I'm surrounded by the s**t of a landfill
I understand that too much stress can break a man's will
Then that man's path goes downhill so you take another damn pill
Initially I couldn't fathom this, now I crave artificially induced happiness
Provide me with a Carling to go with that chicken BLT
Override reality with a fucked up frigging fantasy
So well I may as well drink Stella in the morning while still yawning
Cause a sober mind is hell now, my thoughts are too haunting
So it's too daunting to consider not drinking 'till I'm snoring
Maybe cause I'm older I should be wiser and more mature
But now I'm colder and I just despise her, she's a w***e
I told her to rise up and be something more
But for his soldier her thighs rise up from the floor
So I slam the f*****g door once more on that chapter of life
I'm not hard to the core and won't go after a knifeIt would be easy to roll a dice, get an even number, call your number, get even and ***** *** ** ** the night
It's not nice, I'm sick and that wouldn't be right
I see the point of a blade and I see absolutely no point
These thoughts only fade with time like smoking too many joints
But if you ever ring me up again and you're still in cuckoo land
I'll just give you one finger, the f**k you hand
But now I'm acting like a b*****d man, I run away but damn I need to run faster man
I need a master plan to get my life back on track
This is the aftermath of life after Maths
Where I don't care, I just flash my a*s, tell you to kiss it and put my a*s on your mouth
Went to my mate's, got in a rage and nearly trashed his house
Woke up and went to a party and tried to crash an ounce
Shared by eight, tried to dance about but too late, I got blazed and was too mashed to bounce

But since that s**t my mind has become a catchment area for rain that brings worry
And things just get scarier as the approaching storm arrives in a hurry
Problems are building and joining like a confluence of rivers
I find myself nervous, experiencing nonsensical shivers
Stress adds to more stress in sequence like Fibonacci
My heart beats too fast like I've had too many sips of coffee
Can't speak my mind no more, jaw held in place like it's stuck with bits of toffee
Oh f**k, s**t you got me! So kill me like you say you will and get a lawyer, or is that my recurring paranoia?I need an employer now I have a degree but I just wish I could flee
So I could bloody be free from time constraints like 3
2 and 1 where they all feel you are wrong about everything like some files in s**t states so they make silly mild complaints
But inside of me a child dictates and the world is a playground full of wild pisstakes where everything is funny
Screw money, it's the root of all evil
It makes beautiful people do things illegal and end up cruel and deceitful
And because of money no duel is ever equal
Cash is not the be all and end all and some rich people are never gleeful
And they could even cry enough to make the whole sea full
But I'm so hypocritical that it makes these rhymes rather feeble
Cause I want it all too, not quite yet are my plans for a career going to fall through
Like Beckham I wish I could bend a ball too but I guess my job will be more true
Of what one deserves to be paid
So many straight first shots are saved so sometimes a weighted curved shot is played
And this measured approach brings treasure and hope perceived as fate, worth it cause it paved
The way for greater things to happen cause now you're rich and your wings are flapping
And there's uplifiting singing in your rapping - now you can chill on a beach in a hammock, swinging while you're napping
But even then I'd never sit still, even while sitting on the window sill with a glass of wine
Or a beer with a dash of lime to pass the time cause there's time to kill
Even while watching a film, eating a sweet slice of pizza
I'm still thinking about debates on Iraq with Rice, Condoleezza
Still so cold all alone like a king in a Pyramid of Giza
Fully expecting the world to stab me in the back like I'm Caesar
I need to fly away from it all, maybe I'll visit the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Not far enough, so like a criminal I'll head to Australia with my visa

You must feel like you've stumbled inadvertently onto Wikipedia
My bad, cause there's a lot of information I feel like mercilessly feeding ya
This isn't ink I'm writing with, it's a link to exciting s**t
Where anything can happen and if I blink I might just miss
Some epiphany, some point, something relevant to me
If we're all made of many layers I'm analysing the sedimentary
Rock, though I feel igneous like fire's the main element in me
Put me out, rain on me, force me to retire with no pain mentally
Academically I was ok in every way but I'm certainly not gifted
I'm way too internally conflicted which renders me eternally restricted
Determined to be off the fricking rails
Whilst learning to stay on the Richter Scale
When I explode those closest to me get hurt the most
I can erupt and spit magma just for burning toast
I'm paranoid, I'm paranormal - a poltergeist, a ghost
I'm dependent on the normal ones, I'm a parasite, you're the host
Fahrenheit's raised 'till you roast, destruction begins with huge waves hitting our coast
No hope, just a spark, that's when tectonic activity starts
Electronics blown apart, sending debris to the stars
Fear grows, tears flow as you feel the first shake
Only light is the moon - it sounds like a sonic boom as rooms are destroyed by the earthquake
So much dust there are dunes, i-pod's stop playing tunes and now we see what we're worth mate
Hard to breathe due to fumes, the end of the world looms in our very worst fate
A nearby dog utters a bark, it's last and it gets dark really fast
All around me is death, there's nothing left as I take my final breath
We're all choked by the smoke and f**k it all to hell and back
The Earth opens and fire rises through the crack
While the sky dies and turns black and then immediately turns back
Cause then I wake from this vision like I just switched off the television
I realise that while for some of you I'm still wishing you would bleed, it would just affect my mission to succeed
You don't listen to me so stay trapped in a net like a fish in the sea
There's something missing in me but f**k it, I refuse to die
I'm so used to lies. Crocodile tears? No use, don't try
So bruised but I don't cry, I'm in control, just cruising so goodbye
I was so confused, now it's alright
It was just a blown fuse, my second f**k up and my world got feckin' shook up
So I put everything into work until I've lost this hurt sensation
I feel I have added determination and steel as I've mastered motivation and subtracted infatuation
I saw no future, it was a struggle, too much s**t that I had to juggle
With no magic to save me as I am just a muggle that gets things rather muddled and avoids dry land in favour of puddles
But the moments of happiness last longer than flashes now with each second that passes
Your perspective on the world is not so blurred if you correct it with glasses
I feel much better tonight with each letter of the alphabet I write
It was quite a lesson so f**k love as it's more than just slightly testing
I was drowning in it unlike Moses, I was wasted on it and took more doses, but now I face some metamorphosis
Turn over a new leaf and look underneath at me, the plant killer, a caterpillar
That will become a butterfly and flutter by in relief
Life is usually brief for us creatures, it never stutters by
But we just keep moving before we ever shut our eyes