The Only Way is Essex catch-up: Series 9, episode 7

Oh Ricky, I had such high hopes for you, but poor Jess! Yes, in case you missed it, Ricky came clean to Jess about his one night stand, leaving us all wondering whether Jess would dump him, or take him back.

There was also some forgettable drama with Sam and Joey when they came face to face at a party, and Sam gave Joey a letter- and the ring. If you don’t want it Sam, we’ll have it!

Liar, liar, pants on fire

Open the scene: Little Chris and Ricky took a romantic stroll in the park with their dogs, and had a good old heart to heart. All together now: ‘aww’. But the scene was interrupted by the villain of the show, Mario, who had basically dropped Ricky in it.

I think there was a conversation about it being ‘good’ between Ricky and Mario, but to be honest, I was distracted by the small dogs. Because those dogs are really small. You know that phase in TOWIE when all the girls wanted a handbag-sized dog? Well, now the ‘it’ accessory for all the guys in Essex seems to be owning a dog so small that you could lose it down the back of the sofa. But I guess these guys do need at least one friend when they are faced with all their relationship carnage.

Jess wants to know if Ricky cheated on her more than once (Picture: ITV2)

The Ricky-Jess saga continued. Jess was on a mission to investigate whether Ricky had been unfaithful to her on more than the one occasion.

She looked understandably shocked when Lucy said that she had heard a lot more about Ricky’s antics. Desperate times called for desperate measures. Enter, Mario.

Mario was on hand to quell Jess’s fears, but of course he just had to have the last word as he whispered on camera how he never had to lie so much in his life. Really, Mario? Or is that another lie?

James lets Sam know he’s interested – but is she? (Picture: ITV2)

In further news, Joey and Sam are officially done according to Mr Essex: ‘Just for the record, Joey Essex is 100% single.’ Cool. Nice to know, I guess…?

There’s one person who was pleased to hear the news: James. You remember James right? No? I wouldn’t blame you. He’s about as entertaining and as forgettable Ferne – but just in case, he’s the one that sounds like Phil Mitchell. Anyway, he was after Sam (or Lucy… he didn’t seem fussed), and Joey wasn’t happy:

‘He’s an absolute ice-cream.’ I’m sorry, what? I think we all need to get our money together and get that boy a dictionary.

The forgettable dramas of the night included: Gemma broke up with Rami (again); Joey thought that on the summer Solstice there were thirty hours in a day (WTH?); Abi cooked Diags dinner- which she prefaced by saying ‘I can’t cook’; and Chloe attempted to write her CV, but fell at the first hurdle, misspelling the word ‘curriculum’.

Gemma and Rami – it’s off (Picture: ITV2)

It’s all just banter

‘That is so romantical.’ – Chloe on Abi’s suggestion to cook Diags dinner. Hon, that’s not even a word. Maybe you should borrow Joey’s dictionary once he’s done with it.

‘I know that if it’s hot, it’s cooked.’ – Abi’s words of wisdom about the art of cuisine.