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Betches Guide to Sunday Morning Regrets

We’ve all been there: four too many tequila shots, two too many vodka sodas, and one really unnecessary AMF has you questioning your existence and begging for relief from the jackhammer that now lives inside your head. Listen up, betches, it’s time we address those Sunday morning regrets by teaming up with the good folks at Comedy Central.

Whether you’re the straight-laced nice girl who finally let loose and had some fun, or the hot mess of a bff that instigated the madness, there are a few things we can learn from the characters in the new Comedy Central show, Idiotsitter about dealing with those Saturdaynightflashbacks no amount of mimosas can wash away.

In order for you to get some of these references, you’ll need some background about Idiotsitter, and trust us, it’s hilarious. So, straight-laced Harvard grad, and all around nice girl, Billie gets hired by the parents of rich-but-now-under-house-arrest, Gene. Oh, by the way, Gene is played by Jillian Bell of Workaholics fame. She’s great, right? Anyway, Billie totes needs the money so she’s kind of forced into taking this shitty adult-babysitting job and hilarity ensues. Obvi.

So here are the five necessary steps to overcoming your morning regrets. You’re welcome.

1. Evaluate

Before you grab your phone to watch your sure-to-be-embarrassing drunk Snap Story from the night before, look at your life, look at your choices. Step one to dealing with a blackout Saturday night is to make sure you’re not still in the middle of a mistake. If you’re in your own bed, great. If you’re not in your bed but in a familiar place, good. If you have no idea where you are, and you’re pretty sure it’s not a jail cell, it’s time to GTFO and walk-of-shame it to safety.

If you think your choices last night were too out of control, consider making someone your keeper for next weekend. You don’t have to have a hired sitter to make sure you don’t lose your cell phone and wallet and make out with actor/waiter. Gross. You just need a nice girl friend to watch your back and make you drink at least some water. Nice girls can have some good qualities too, sometimes.

2. Medicate

Some Pinterest bullshit says: The Cure for Anything is Salt Water, Tears, Sweat or The Sea. Fuck that advice. The cures for a crazy weekend night include brunch, a hot shower, pain meds and some recon work with your friends to piece together what exactly happened.

3. Apologize

After you’ve thoroughly examined last night’s Snap Story, Insta posts and Tweets, it might be time to apologize. If you actually did end up behind bars (looking at you, Gene) after a wild night, you might want to call your parents to say oopsie and ask for some bail money. Your transgressions might not even be that extreme. Maybe you just forced everyone to take an extra shot when they were already 6 deep or hold your hair while you threw up.

If you just need to say sorry for being too much of a kill-joy and yelling at your friends for being super embarrassing and difficult. That’s something Billie would totally do, BTW. You can do that by buying the first round of mimosas at brunch or springing to cover your bestie’s double Bloody Mary. You might think you were just being helpful by making sure your friends got home alive, but it came off as super annoying and unnecessary.

Whether you are that person or have a friend that is always that person, do unto others. It’s not too late, now, to say sorry. Oh, and if you can’t remember what you did, apologize anyway.

4. Reminisce

After your apology bases are covered, you’ve indulged in the hair of the dog, and your stomach is full of frittatas and waffles, it’s time to bask in the glory that was the night before. If you hooked up with a 10, it’s time to stalk his Insta and brag to your friends. If you hooked up with a 2, don’t bring that up. Pretend it didn’t happen. If your friends bring it up, you sure as shit better laugh about it. Nobody likes a poor sport. You are allowed to resent them secretly for laughing about a big moment on the highlight reel of regrets in your life.

This is also the time to admire your drunken photo skills and how you remembered to maintain a skinny arm in all pics from last night. Delete all bad or incriminating photos. You can’t regret taking a photo that doesn’t exist. They probably still exist on the Cloud, but, let’s be honest, no one knows how that works. Out of sight, out of mind.

5. Recuperate

After brunch, it’s time to Comedy Central and chill. Alone. Preferably in a super soft blanket cocoon. Make a plan to stay in next weekend, and by stay in you mean throw a raging house party so you can’t get in the same kind of trouble you get into if you leave home. You’re maturing, not becoming a bore whore. There’s a difference.

So seriously, stay in and watch Idiotsitter Thursdays at 10:30/9:30c after Workaholics on Comedy Central and on the CC app.