~ Musings of a gay ex-Mormon father

Tag Archives: Divorce

In the case of my ex-wife and I, having two adults in our home happened somewhat abruptly. My son had left for his two year LDS mission almost immediately upon turning 18. He then returned just as our daughter was turning 18 herself. Suddenly we had two 18+ year old young adults in our homes almost overnight.

I’m sure we aren’t the only parents unsure of how to handle this unique life milestone. It was clear that our expectations did not match those of our children. But, how do you most effectively pivot and start treating your own children as adults while still providing and caring for them under your roof?

We put our thoughts on paper and later arranged to review these expectations with our two adult kids as a united team over lunch. Only one other time in the 11 years since we divorced have my ex-wife and I actually sat together during a meal, but we took them out to eat and presented a united front with our list. That meeting alone was a pretty remarkable feat in our post marriage history.

Our lunch went well, and tonight as I was sharing this story with some friends they asked if I would share the list of expectations that we developed. Here it is:

Living at Home as Adults

We want you around! It’s exciting having adult children and we want to point out things that may seem insignificant but that make a big difference when living with others. They’ll help you in marriage and family life too.

Here are some specific ways you can prepare for being successful independent adults and help us all to avoid misunderstandings while still living under the safety net of your parents’ homes.

You are old enough to stay at either house but we will assume you are following the younger kids’ schedule unless told otherwise. You can change your regular schedule but let us know. Even though you are adults, we want you to have some sort of accountability to us so that someone always knows where you are in case of an emergency. We’re asking for communication, not saying you have to ask permission.

If you are going to be out after midnight, let us know where you are and when/if you will be home that night. Let us know if you are going to be home for dinner or not.

As adults in the house, we expect you to treat your siblings with kindness and respect, and help out around the house without being asked. Do chores each week by your own doing, not being told and not getting paid to do it.

You should have a full-time job and/or be in school.

What we will pay for:

Housing, food, household items, toiletries, and other items we choose to help out with.

As much schooling as possible at the time. (Mom & Dad will split what each can) You should plan to contribute what you can.

You will be responsible for the following:

Gas

Clothing

Entertainment

Personal care items

Any other luxury or necessity items you desire

Paying back debts to us consistently without missing a payment and before your own luxuries or entertainment. (We should not be the source of side jobs if you are short paying us. If your job isn’t able to cover the gaps perhaps you need a different job.)

Starting some sort of savings no matter how small for emergencies (This is a form of paying yourself)

Paying for your own fines and tickets and other emergencies

Show respect of being an adult living with other adults and siblings

Clean up after yourself – Kitchen, bathroom

Clean up after your friends. You and friends are welcome to eat our food and spend time in our home but things should be cleaner when you’re done. If you dirty some dishes, put those AND the ones in the sink into the dishwasher and start it.

Turn out lights, lock doors if you’re the last one in at night.

Clean up even messes that others make when you notice them.

Talk not SHOUT no matter how upset you may be in the moment.

Buy some earplugs if your schedule differs from the rest of the house.

If these things are not being done, what should the consequences be?

Once you have reached 22 years of age, you should be self sufficient and should have a plan to launch if you haven’t already. If still in school, we will evaluate and come up with a plan. At that time you should plan on paying for your own: Car insurance, phone service, rent, food, emergencies and car payments and repairs.

Love,

Mom and Dad

In full disclosure, we haven’t really come up with a substantial consequence if they don’t live up to these expectations. Short of kicking them out, there isn’t much leverage to enforce anything. Maneuvers such as withholding cars or phone service become burdens for us, the parents. For them to live up to our expectations of jobs and schooling, they need the cars and phones. They both seem to have the natural desire for more independence and freedom, so I expect that we’re never going to get to that point anyway.

Like this:

“There’s no manual for parenthood,” new mothers and fathers are constantly reminded.

Well, there’s much less information on divorced parenthood, much less for divorced gay parenthood. I certainly didn’t know what to expect or how to proceed eight years ago.

I just knew I loved my kids and that I wasn’t scared of taking care of them alone.

Of course, I knew there were numerous guys like me out there, but I didn’t know a single one in person. There are online groups for every subset of any culture and I connected with as many as I could: gay fathers, gay Mormons, ex-Mormons and Utah gay fathers but each one seemed not to quite meet something unique about my situation. I didn’t live in Utah, or the gay fathers were the kind that adopted as a gay couple – they didn’t have to share custody with an ex-wife, etc.

Taking one giant leap into the abyss…I did my best. Here are some things I learned. Some are trivial and some are more profound. I’m sure they will not fit your situation exactly either but you can modify accordingly. At the time of my divorce I had four kids ages 1, 3, 6 and 8 so my comments are geared to those with younger children:

Get a lawyer! I didn’t. We used a church acquaintance who was a paralegal and she was going to save us money because we had mostly agreed on everything already. She just wrote up the papers that we both signed. It was all fine for about a year, until my ex wanted to move out of state with the kids. Then, I got screwed and it all comes back to that initial divorce, custody and child support agreement. I don’t care how friendly things are now, get a lawyer to help preserve your rights as a father at this initial step.

Fight for 50/50 legal and 50/50 physical custody. If you settle for anything less right now it will be very unlikely that you can get it back. A vagina gets the default advantage in even the most progressive courthouses. Don’t enable that by crippling yourself.

This is what it feels like to walk into a courthouse in any family law situation.

This small matter is the one mistake I made that later allowed her to fairly easily leave the state with my kids. I initially settled for a 70/30 physical arrangement because it made the most sense. I had a full-time job. She didn’t. I was earning all the money and, in spite of the high child support payments, she was cheaper than daycare. What I didn’t understand was that this gave her the almost exclusive right to coordinate their physical location. Laws vary by state, but this was in liberal California so I imagine it’s worse elsewhere.

Put it in writing. Write into the divorce or child custody agreement that neither parent can move more than 50 miles from the other. The same thing goes for anything else that’s important to you. Put it in writing.

Keep it away from the kids. Don’t let them see you arranging all of the divorce details with your ex. Don’t discuss it with them especially if they are young.

Get all your things on the first try. When you move out, take ALL of your stuff even if it doesn’t seem important to you now. I’ve gone back to my ex-wife’s home and seen items of mine that I didn’t take initially and it was just weird that she was using them. At that point we were getting along and so I couldn’t just take stuff without talking about it and they weren’t important enough things to argue over at that point… so I just let it go. For example, almost all the church books on her religious sanctuary of a bookshelf were MY books that I read. She rarely reads and I doubt that she’s read them. Strangely enough I wish I’d taken stuff like that and my temple clothes and other miscellaneous things I didn’t think I cared about. You’ll calm down many years later and want your stuff even if it’s to just throw it out yourself.

Be the bigger person. I unintentionally left with items I knew she’d probably want so I willingly returned her stuff – such as pictures with her family or friends in them. I never got the same courtesy, but it helps to know I’m not being petty. I also gave up having to have the last word and so I didn’t always respond to her irrational lashings.

Never say no to a chance to be with your kids more. Oddly enough, from her perspective custody time with me is seen as her doing me a favor and yet she somehow believes that when she has the kids she’s still doing me a favor. She has asked me to take the kids at times when I knew she either just wanted a break or she wanted to travel or had some church thing to attend to. Of course it’s always presented as a favor to me. Early on I set aside caring. If it offered me more time with my kids I said yes, inconvenient or not.

Don’t badmouth the other parent to the kids.This is really hard not to do sometimes because it’s natural to want to argue your case. Just don’t. And don’t let them overhear you doing it either. As horrible and nasty as your ex seems right now, she’s still that child’s mother and an insult to her feels like an insult to the child.

Don’t put the kids in the middle. At one point my ex tried to use the kids to relay information and gather information. I didn’t allow it. As much as you don’t want to talk to the ex, it’s worse if you use the kids as telegraphs. Now that texting is so prevalent, it’s a great alternative to having to call or meet while still being communicative. Don’t allow your ex to set things up as her and the kids against you. It’s her and the kids and it’s you and the kids too.

Take new family pictures with just you and the kids and display them around your home. Once a year we take one of those old-time western photos where you dress up and get an 8 x 10 in sepia tones. It’s a small gesture but one that has helped all of us establish ourselves as a family unit. And they are fun to look back on as shared memories. Also, let them see that you have pictures of them on your desk, in your phone so that they know you are thinking about them when they’re not there.

Give the kids personal space at your new home/apartment. Even the youngest of mine staked out her personal space in each of my new living spaces and I’ve tried to arrange as much of it as I could for them. Even if it’s just their own night stand, a bed or wall that they can decorate to their taste, it will feel much more like home if they’ve had a hand in decorating it.

Allow the kids to benefit from the pluses of divorce if you can find them in your situation. I don’t mean that you should indulge them freely because you feel guilty, but there are obviously costs to divorce that they bear the brunt of more often than not. Allow them to have some bonuses in there too. For example, because my ex isn’t the kind that would ever share holidays, my kids get 2 sets of birthday gifts and cakes, and they enjoy 2 sets of holiday traditions. The kids learned early on that I didn’t know the last time they ate at McDonalds. I bought my kids cell phones earlier than their peers got one because I wanted to be within their reach at all times on a daily basis.

Be consistent when you can. In spite of what I said in #11, there are times when kids need and appreciate consistency. Try to honor bed-times and general house rules. Don’t forego being a Dad for the position of fun uncle. At least not all the time. If rules in your home are dramatically different it can just be frustrating. Now, that being said, I don’t allow my ex to dictate everything that happens in my home either. You must set boundaries but you can talk about how at Dad’s house we follow Dad’s rules and at Mom’s house we follow Mom’s rules.

Stay close to the kids. If it is in your control, don’t move too far away from the kids. If you can’t see them daily, call or Skype every day … Most of these calls are stilted and awkward especially with the younger ones but it’s the regularity that you want to establish whether it’s to say goodnight every night or a quick call when they get home from school.

Have fun! Once my ex moved out of state and I only had the kids on weekends it erased any hesitation I had about being the fun one. Yes, she had to monitor the homework and daily discipline but that was her doing by virtue of her move. Take advantage of the hand you are dealt.

Do nothing sometimes. Don’t feel like you always have to be the entertainer. Let them just be in your shared space sometimes. Just hang.

Let them come out at their own pace. Once you come out to the kids, understand that they too will have their own coming out to their friends and family. Let them do it when/how they are comfortable. As my children have grown, I’ve seen how my laid-back approach to this has helped. I never forced conversations about my being gay, but I never shied away from them either. My teenagers now discuss it freely with their friends and it’s just a matter of everyday life. I was a little worried about this because for the most part I haven’t had boyfriends that they were exposed to. Nothing about my life screams “GAY!” Very little of our time together has been about me being gay… and yet they’re comfortable with it.

Be prepared. Make sure you have the following stored in your car: bottled water, baby wipes, baby powder, spare jackets, hats for everyone, and a blanket. Every single one of these items have saved me numerous times. You will have a crying child asking for water at some point. If you’ve ever had to take a toddler daughter into a public restroom by yourself you’ll understand the baby wipes. There are a gazillion more times you’ll thank me for suggesting them. Baby powder miraculously assists you in wiping off sand and dirt from kids’ feet before they get in the car. A blanket has provided us a place to sit in many a last-minute picnic situation…or when someone got cold.

Stop when they need to pee. I never understood why my ex gets upset with my kids if she’s driving and one of them have to go to the bathroom. Yes, I’ve been there when we just pulled away from home and one of them announced that he/she needed to pee. It was my fault that I didn’t ask before I piled them in the car. Go back or stop at a fast food spot if they need to pee for crying out loud!

Cook for them. Make sure they get good meals and eat decently when they are with you. I have an easily accessible repertoire of meals that I prepare. They’re not with me long enough to tire of them even if I repeat something. A slow cooker (a crockpot) is awesome on days you have to work and then pick up the kids for dinner. Maybe I’ll add a separate blog post on meal suggestions and ideas. I’m no top chef but my kids compliment my cooking and appreciate our sit down dinners.

Make dining out a treat. Taking them out has been my way of exposing them to new cultures and tastes. This works especially well the younger they are. Most restaurants have a kid friendly menu and it enables them to experience foreign tastes. My kids claim they’re the only ones in their school classes who have eaten sushi. Make trying new things a family adventure.

Establish routines and traditions, however trivial. I make the same exact breakfast the first morning the kids are with me. We go camping in June for Father’s Day. All calls end with “I love you.”

Resist the urge to compete with their Mom. Appreciate the love and the fun the kids have with their Mom. My kids honestly have a hard time remembering which parent took them to which movie, or who took them to Disneyland in which year, or who played at the beach with him. As much as you want to believe you are creating a special moment just with you and your child, all the kid really cares about is that she got to go to Disneyland. My kids’ Mom is taking them to Mexico this summer and I needed to go wait in line with them so she could get them passports. Early on I would have scoffed at doing this and felt jealous that I wasn’t the one taking them. Now, I’m glad they’ll have the experience and I’m certain in 10 years they’ll have to think hard to remember which parent took them.

They cannot have too much love. Never prevent your ex-in-laws or new step-parents or anyone from having the chance to love your kids. Even if you can’t stand them and even if you believe they are dissing you to your kids. They cannot have too many adults who love them. Say yes when they want to see your kids or when there’s a special family dinner during YOUR time. It will help when you want some unscheduled time. That said, don’t hesitate to protect them from an individual causing them true harm.

Arrange alone time with each child. I would say this even if you weren’t getting divorced, but kids need to feel that a parent wants to spend time with them alone away from the family group. This can be as simple as going to get an ice cream one afternoon, or as complex as a weekend trip away with just you. These days, my kids will call me and ask me for these alone times. I hope they continue throughout their lives.

Don’t let pride get in the way of reason. There will be times when someone, probably your ex or her family, has treated you so unfairly and unjustly that you can’t stomach seeing them. Do it anyway. Go to kids school plays and sports games even if you are going to run into these people. Make THEM avoid YOU if they must. As the kids grow and mature they’ll notice the difference without you ever saying a word. I always try to get to these things early so that it’s them choosing not to sit near us, rather than vice versa. If I arrive late and my ex and kids are already there I go sit by my kids. In another instance I let my stubbornness and pride cost me 3 months of extra alimony. She had been trying to arrange her second wedding during MY holiday week with the kids, I was incensed and shortsightedly resisted. How could she steal MY time when she already had them 70% of the time?!!? As soon as we got off the phone arguing it dawned on me that a delay in her wedding was more money out of my pocket in alimony! That one foolish, impulsive argument cost me almost $1,000 in total alimony. Needless to say when the wedding did happen I bent over backwards to help. I even traveled to her home and spent a week in her house with the kids so that she could go on her honeymoon with husband #2.

Perhaps I have taken the whole Skeptic thing too far because I am a Skeptic when it comes to marriage. I don’t believe in true love and I don’t believe marriage is a universal answer for relationships. I still dream that I can find someone who is a friend, who lights my fire and with whom I compatible for a long, long time. I hope my children will one day find a life companion. Marriage just seems an unnecessary part of that to me.

My problem is that I don’t know a married couple that I can look at and say,

This is funny because it’s true.

“Oooh! I want what they have!”

Being single is far better than having a mediocre marriage like any of the married family or friends that I am close enough to to know some of the details. Of course in my wider social network I have married friends who appear to have their acts together and their marriages seem as solid as it gets. But then, I remember 12 years ago when my then sister-in-law was fighting with her husband, my brother, because she looked at me and my wife and said,

“Oooh! I want what they have!”

She wanted the temple marriage and the husband who was into the kids like I was, who and who was helpful around the house. Except… all wasn’t well in my marriage at the time. My Sister-in-law just couldn’t see it.

We were the model Mormon young couple at the time… the kind of couple where the wife is assigned to lead the youth in the Young Women’s organization because she’s the perfect example of the Mormon woman who has achieved it all … a temple marriage with a worthy priesthood holder. My Sister-in-law clearly didn’t have enough information (As a side note, this brother and sister-in-law have since divorced as well. They are far friendlier with one another and interact far healthier than anything I ever hope to achieve with my ex-wife. Now, I wish I had the divorce that they have).

Take, for example, the elderly couple married 40 or 50+ years. Often, the length of time is all that is said about the marriage and then it’s naturally assumed that the couple is happy and successful at working together and showing love. I usually say to myself,

“Perhaps, but we don’t have enough information to know whether they are happy and fulfilled or not.”

Society assumes that a long-lasting marriage is a successful marriage. I say that the information to determine if it is a successful marriage (As I define it) usually isn’t provided to anyone outside the marriage. Until couples make a firm commitment to separate or divorce, part of trying to make the marriage work is to keep the negatives circulating exclusively within the marriage itself. That’s why divorces often seem so shocking. It’s because until the very end, people are trying to make their marriages work and part of making it work is remaining loyal and closed-lipped about its failings.

That’s also why I remain skeptical when I hear public protestations of love and endearment. Who knows how much of the claim is real and how much is the person trying to convince him/herself. Mormons often do this in Fast & Testimony meetings all the time…telling their spouse publicly how much they love them. I always wondered whether that person had ever told their spouse privately. And if so, why wasn’t that sufficient? What did a public declaration accomplish that a private intimate moment didn’t? Since I was the bishop’s executive secretary much of the time it wasn’t difficult to connect the dots and notice that these sorts of people were the same ones for whom I was making counseling appointments with the bishop on a regular basis. But still, they’d get up and declare their deep love from the pulpit.

My thoughts?

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks”

I see young couples do this on their Facebook status updates all the time,

“I have the best wife in the world.”

“Thank you XXX for being such an awesome husband.”

My thoughts?

“Somebody just got some…”

or

“XXX must have just repaired something in the house.”

Am I bad? Yes, I know.

For a related example, take a typical exchange between some middle-aged Mormon folks,

“I have 8 children – all married in the temple. My four sons have all served honorable missions. We have 18 grandchildren with 5 more on the way next month. We are so blessed”

To Mormon ears, this means “everyone is happy, successful and blissful.” To a Mormon this is the epitome of success in family life. To a non-Mormon it’s probably not enough information.

Having been married in the temple and having served an honorable mission myself, I know that we clearly don’t have enough information in that statement to draw any conclusions. There are a lot of assholes, losers and mental cases, men and women, who have served honorable missions, married in the temple and started to procreate excessively.

So what does marital success look like to me and how will I even recognize it when I see it?

I suspect that by its very intimate and personal nature one can’t actually see it at all. It can only be experienced. I don’t know if a quality marriage is recognizable in others. I suppose a rewarding marriage is only something that can develop, grow, mature and flourish internally between two people. I suspect, however, that from the outside a highly rewarding marriage and a mediocre marriage look essentially the same.

I think we can all point out characteristics of a bad relationship, but can we tell, from the outside, the difference between a mediocre one and fantastic one?

Is just a mediocre marriage worth it?

As much as I declare that I am happy being single, I’d still want my children to find life partners one day with whom they feel at home. Hell, I want to find that for me too! I’m just not willing to settle for what feels like mediocrity to me.

I’ll know it when I’m in it.

Oh… never mind. I forgot. I can’t marry in this state. Forget all that. I doesn’t matter anyway.

I suspected this would happen when I moved closer to the children. It just happened sooner than I thought it would.

My ex-wife called today and at the end of our conversation she brought up the reason she had really called.

Now that you are nearby, the kids want to go to church even on the weekends they are with you. It’s no different than them participating in an extra-curricular activity. You can take them and then I’ll bring them back after the 3 hour block.

First of all, my feelings and stance regarding the LDS faith were one of the main reasons for our divorce. My taking them to church implies a support that I’m not willing to give.

Secondly, SHE wants them to attend church weekly. It’s dubious whether or not it is the kids’ desire or not. I learned long ago that the children will say to each of us what they think the other wants to hear. They want to go to church when they are with her. With me, they love sleeping in and doing fun things on Sunday.

I believe I owe it to my kids for my weekends to be indoctrination-free.

Lastly, is it really fair to expect me to give up 4 hours of my weekends with my kids to lug them to a place that teaches them false and demeaning things about me as a gay man? Would she cart them to a Post-Mormon group meeting on her time if I regularly attended one?

My only worry is one day becoming a vehicle for their faith-promoting myth about how their ex-Mormon dad prevented them from attending church but how they patiently and faithfully endured until the day that they could attend every week… How many times have we heard that sort of story? The new convert whose parents wouldn’t let her get baptized at 14 so she had to wait until she turned 18 and then she’s as Molly Mormon as they get now.

My gut is still telling me to say no. Sundays with me are family time.

This all came about because Sunday is the Primary program in the ward, and my ex-wife saw that as a window to this discussion. I said that since it was my time and this was something special that I’d take them to Sacrament Meeting, see them and then we could leave together. When I later talked to my 8 year old on the phone she sounded excited that she wouldn’t have to stay for the 3 hours.

But my ex-wife countered that our oldest son had just been called at Teacher’s Quorum President and so he wanted to be there each week to fulfill his obligation. The truth is that I think he more than anyone appreciates sleeping in on Sundays with me because he has to get up early each weekday due to participating in the Seminary program. He and they knew of the custody arrangement before they issued the call and when he accepted it so they obviously felt like they could operate within those boundaries.

I’ll continue to agree to take the kids to church on rare on special occasions, but I feel like it’s my right and my duty to minimize the indoctrination that they experience, not to encourage and aid it along. Even if that makes me out as the bad guy. My other thought of compromise is to say that perhaps at age 16 when they can drive themselves they can choose to attend or not even if they are with me that weekend.

What would you do? What have you done? Anyone out there solve this conflict in any creative ways?

Like this:

Some days I wonder just how much my own personal neurosis lies within the realm of normal and how much is delusional. Am I neurotic or psychotic?

I don’t hear voices. I don’t even talk to myself. I don’t think I have anything resembling an obsessive compulsive disorder. I’m not addicted to anything and I have no phobias to discuss.

Nobody who knows me would describe me as shy or socially awkward, although I do often feel anxious and awkward in social settings…but everyone does, right?

Still, I once tested positive for paranoia.

I was told that my hyper-defensive responses to a psychological evaluation landed me in crazy territory. Believe me, my ex-wife derived and probably still derives enormous pleasure from that episode. Here’s what happened…

A year after our somewhat amicable divorce (without lawyers) she came to me and said she wanted to move out of state with the children. Although we both grew up here, her brother and then her parents had moved there. They could help her with the kids she reasoned, and the kids could play with their cousins more frequently (all so much more important than Dad helping and playing with the kids, don’t you know). She had also met a guy she would eventually marry there (the real reason).

My response was, “Hell no. You are not leaving town with my children.”

I had just quit my job and started my own business for the very reason to be more flexible and available to my children. Her parents only spent six months in this new place anyway and she wan’t THAT close to her brother. We fought about it for several weeks and then she went legal. I stood my ground and a year+ long custody battle ensued.

I could fill this blog for the next 6 months detailing the mess of that year…but I won’t. It was hell. The result of that battle is still hell.

The general gist was this…

She had a better lawyer than I did.

She won the right to move out of state with the children. Once the legalities started, her real reasons for wanting to move changed and it was suddenly a “financial necessity.” Also, in this state it wasn’t about whether she could move or not. It was about where the kids would go if she moved. I couldn’t even introduce the argument that she wouldn’t go if the kids weren’t allowed to go. So, I ended up fighting my Mormon stay at home ex-wife for full custody. If I had known this clearly from the beginning and had had my lawyer explain the likelihood that she would win I might not have fought it.

I don’t know…I still might have. I’m proud I fought for my kids.

Anyway, about my paranoia…

As part of the custody battle, we both had to undergo psychological fitness evaluations. It was a full day of paper tests and talking.

During the test I had to answer questions like these. If I remember correctly I had a mere YES or NO choice:

People who once loved me now despise me.

I’ve disappointed many people in my circle of friends.

I can tell people are talking about me when I enter a room.

People are looking at me differently now than they used to.

Keep in mind that I went from an active, temple-worthy, highly active Mormon man to an out, homosexual apostate overnight. Of course it wasn’t overnight for me or even for my ex-wife. But until we decided to divorce we kept up appearances for both family and the ward friends.

I wonder how many ex-Mormons would answer YES to those questions.

How many gay men recently out of the closet would answer YES?

How many gay, ex-Mormons?

The truth is that both my family and my ex-wife’s withdrew from me. No communication. I did get a letter from my former in-laws basically telling me that they despised me, were disappointed in me and viewed me differently. When I took my kids to primary or scouting activities, people with whom I’d once served in callings would avoid eye contact.

AND…My ex-wife was trying to take my children out of state for God’s sake!

I remember arriving at this part of the test and smiling to myself because I knew the test was trying to evaluate if I was paranoid in an irrational way. But, I also thought that it would be human-scored and having just discussed my situation with the psychiatrist I thought that it was probably correct to answer YES because it is appropriate to be defensive if others are so clearly on the offensive. That was the honest answer.

A month or so later I was contacted by the psychiatrist and offered the chance to retake the test because, of course, my otherwise normal evaluation had turned up with an abnormally huge spike and I was deemed paranoid. Apparently, having met me, the psychiatrist disagreed and they let me take the paper portion again. So I did.

The second time I lied on that section of the test and passed it with flying colors.

Nowadays, if I get my feelings hurt or if I sense that someone is trying to subtly let me know that they’re not interested …I secretly wonder if I really am just paranoid. Stuff like that messes with your mind even when you’ve figured out the system like I did.

Neurosis is a disorder due to real emotional distress or anxiety. Psychosis, on the other hand, is a loss of touch with reality. So, as I see it my original answers on the test described a neurosis as a result of real life experience.

Either way I still lost the battle for my kids. My kids live 4 hours from me.

This pic has nothing to do with this post, I realize, but it was too bizarre not to post somewhere. Maybe posting this will prove my neurosis to you...

Like this:

Last week I received a letter from my ex-wife’s bishop stating the following:

Dear Dadsprimalscream,

I hope this letter finds you well. I love having your children and their mother in our ward. As you know, XXX is engaged to be married in the near future. It is her hope that she might be sealed to YYY in the temple. Before she is able to do so, she must apply to the First Presidency for a cancellation of her previous sealing. The First Presidency has requested that I invite you to provide a letter expressing your feelings about XXX’s desires. They have also asked that I verify that XXX is current in her financial obligations to you.

Thank you for having such wonderful children. As their bishop, I have seen the love and gratitude they have for their father. I look forward to receiving your letter. Should you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me at ….

Sincerely,

Bishop ZZZ

Here is my reply:

Bishop ZZZ,

Thank you for spending a few moments the other day on the phone answering my questions. I also appreciate your affectionate words regarding my children.

I am writing in response to your letter asking for my feelings regarding XXX’s desire to cancel our sealing in order to be sealed to YYY. It is with regards to my children and the truth that I’d like to comment. In a nutshell, since XXX and I are already divorced, what’s done is done and I wish her well in her own individual endeavors. XXX does not have any outstanding financial obligations to me. Nevertheless, we will forever be connected because of the four children we co-parent.

I believe my children will always be mine and that cannot ever be taken away or granted elsewhere by a religious ceremony. I have always been an involved, loving and caring father and I only oppose the sealing cancellation if it in any way implies that my children have any sort of future (on earth or in heaven) with anyone but their father. It is the message to them that I am concerned about. I know you said that doctrinally there shouldn’t be any question regarding this but my concern is that this truth be conveyed to my children accurately. It’s been my experience during our divorce that the truth hasn’t always won out.

To this day, XXX is fond of telling people that I left our marriage. I didn’t. I was faithful for the duration of our marriage and we’d in fact be married today if she hadn’t filed for divorce. That’s not to say that the divorce wasn’t a good decision. I now believe it was and I’m extremely grateful for it. But it is still not the truth that I left.

Secondly, to my dying day I will always believe that XXX’s moving our children a state away from their father was done dishonestly and deceitfully. For her to have done this and remain temple-worthy is a black mark on her character and on the church. It appears that the LDS church favors such family separations since they are so common in situations like ours. It’s ironic in a church that presents itself as family-oriented to have so many believing wives run off with the couple’s children when differences surface. I’m familiar with XXX’s rationalizations that allowed her to make this move legally and to justify it in her own mind. But those rationalizations were only developed once she consulted with a lawyer. The original reason she sought to move-away was to be with her 2nd husband, AAA as she detailed for me in a letter before lawyers got involved. The legal battle to keep my children near me cost me financially and emotionally.

The truth hasn’t always won out. But as XXX moves on with her life in her 3rd marriage I hope that she will find a place in her heart to merely speak the truth regarding her former choices and how they affect our children. I have committed to do the same. It will welcome a better future for both of us and our children.

I lost an enormous amount of money fighting my ex-wife’s move-away with our kids four years ago. Likewise, if I could mint the emotional energy and turmoil I expended in the long, drawn-out battle to keep my children nearby I could have paid back all that and be living like a king.

First, I couldn’t imagine that she would actually do it. The woman I thought I knew wasn’t that nasty, bitter or vengeful.

She was.

When she first approached me about the move-away, it was to be closer to her family and a man she anticipated marrying. Those things were more important to her than her own kids having their father nearby. I said, “NO.”

When we actually made it to court her reason had morphed into a “financial necessity,” upon the advice of a lawyer to change tactics. She claimed in front of a judge that she had to move to where she had brighter chances of getting a job and cheaper housing. I don’t think she had spent a single minute searching for work in our state, nor did she have a job waiting for her in the new state. I had owned a business which gave me the flexibility to watch our children after school and attend school functions as needed. My ex’s mother, however, was apparently going to be much more help even though she only lived in the new state 6 months out of the year.

Everyone I spoke to was certain I’d win the case. I lost.

Although I have no evidence, I believe my homosexuality played a huge role in both my ex-wife’s desire to move as well as the judge’s decision to grant her the move-away.

Literally days after the judgment was rendered, my kids and their mom were crossing state lines.

It was the lowest, the most emotional, the most devastating experience I’ve ever had. I felt hate, anger, betrayal and hopelessness. It was harder than the death of my mother, harder than coming out, harder than leaving Mormonism, and harder than the actual divorce combined.

Then I received a gift.

I don’t remember exactly how or when it happened, but I quickly realized that I might have been the loser in family court, but I had to choose moving forward if I were to remain the loser. None of those feelings I described two paragraphs above were going to help me remain a good father.

I had anticipated that I might eventually follow them to the new location and I lost the serious relationship I was in because of that possibility.

But I resolved fairly quickly that I would both forgive and deal with the new reality. It was the most transformational, peaceful, “spiritual” event in my life. I didn’t forgive because I believed it to be “right” or god’s way. I forgave for my kids and for myself.

I arranged to meet with my ex-wife in person alone and discussed the new reality humbly and calmly betraying every emotion I had felt for the full year and a half prior. I wanted to lash out and call her a liar like she had done to me. I didn’t drag out the facts or insist I was right.

Since that time, I have applied for jobs in the new location… and I got one! Only, when the offer came they asked me to remain in my home state instead. I took the job anyway to escape further financial ruin, but I moved 2 hours closer to the kids. Now it’s only 4 hours away rather than 6.

And the odd thing is… I’ve come to like it.

No, I don’t enjoy being far from the kids. I’ve come to enjoy the times that I have the kids more with the distance. When they’re with me, they are with their Dad only and it’s our time. Mom isn’t just a few miles away. We get to spend most of their school holidays for several weeks at a time… with just US. And it’s all during their down time. They’re not doing homework. I’m not having to chauffeur.

My current job is primarily out of my home office and it’s flexible enough that I can pay attention to them and still put in a full day’s work during the summer. I also travel occasionally for work and it’s afforded us some fun experiences. I took 2 of my kids to San Francisco with me back in March. The other two are flying out to Chicago on Friday to spend Labor Day weekend with me after a sales meeting there. A colleague got us into Disneyland for free this Summer.

Things are good right now. I’m incredibly fortunate.

And now when I occasionally ponder moving to be closer to them I’m not certain it is the right answer anymore. They’ve told me several times that they like the current set-up… two homes in two locations.

Is it bad that I am beginning to think that THIS might actually be better?

I miss not tucking them in more regularly or having some of the routine on a weekly basis. I wish I knew their friends and teachers better. I miss some of their activities…sports and such (although I still make an effort to be there when I can). I know that they know I love them…and like them. And I know they love and like me.

But as the kids get older, they want to be with their friends more and more rather than driving 4 hours away to see Dad. My kids are growing to despise road trips. If I lived nearer they could be with friends AND come to Dad’s.

I don’t miss the ex-in-law tension on a regular basis. I don’t miss the back and forth every couple of days. I don’t miss having to interact with their mother more frequently. I could move there and my ex could just as easily move somewhere else and then I’d be stuck alone again in a place I dislike.

I don’t want to live where they live. Without them, I’d never move to that location. It is homogenous, stale, bland, cookie-cutter and lacks almost anything of interest. That said, my kids are still more important that all that to me.

Part of me wants to stop even considering it, or to just make it happen. I am just unsure now of what is truly best for them.

Anyone who is divorced with children knows exactly what I’m talking about. For those of you more fortunate among us who have never been tormented so, let me explain… Divorce Guilt doesn’t refer to feeling bad about what you may or may not have done during divorce proceedings. It doesn’t even mean to regret actually being divorced.

I certainly don’t.

I do hate ANY negative outcomes that the kids experience as a result of their parents being divorced. In my mind, Divorce Guilt refers to the instinctual impulse to minimize those residual negatives; it is also trying to counterbalance the negatives with positives. The trick is that there’s a fine line between that sort of cosmic sense of fairness and actually causing even more harm to the kids by overindulging them or leaving them without a firm, strong parent in their lives.

In my case, I’m certainly the more “laid-back” of the 2 parents, but I filled that role even while still married. I’d say that since the divorce my ex-wife has necessarily made great strides at being a much less frenetic parent than she ever would have as a married, stay-at-home mom. In fact, I’d say this is one of the most beneficial outcomes of the divorce and it’s something that only I can see. But she’s always been more “in your face” that I am.

Funny though, even at a young age the kids obeyed me more readily than their Mom. I don’t give 2nd chances or negotiate. Granted, the “freedom to make mistakes pendulum” swings wider in my case, but if a line is crossed, the trap door drops. Case closed.

I am also accused of being the fun Dad, but 3 things about that.

1) It’s primarily her move that set up the situation where I only have the kids 2 weekends a month and during the Summer. That means she has ALL the homework and chauffeuring during the school year. When we lived 2 miles or even 20 miles apart I shared that. With me they don’t have homework, friends’ houses, school or church activities to schedule around. There’s nothing left but fun. Am I supposed to intentionally NOT do fun things?

2) The kids don’t care which parent is doing what! When we first got divorced I felt like I needed equal time and opportunity to do everything with the kids until I realized that they don’t care a lot of the time. We’re raising kids, not competing for the “Most Present Parent” prize. I was and still am far more “present” in my kids’ lives than most married dads I know. It’s now the custody situation that dictates who does what when, and that schedule says I get them on most of their down times… and I’ve learned to really like it. Yet, if I take them to Disneyland and she works on their science project with them, the kids don’t put 5 stars in my column and only 2 in hers. All they care about is that got a good grade on their project and then they got to go to Disneyland.

3) Lastly fun experiences almost always set up great teaching moments. We have great intimate talks while camping or hiking. It’s also fun to watch them plan, prepare and anticipate fun times. They work together to clean, schedule and pack. “Fun” does not always mean responsibility-free or discipline-free.

I admit that my parenting style tries to provide fewer answers and more life experiences for my children. My ex-wife tends to hyper-Mormonize parenting, and I tend to hope the kids will develop a positive moral compass by being guided to helpful questions rather than by providing them with the “right” answers. I’m more inclined to mirror their questions with a question like, “What do YOU think?” rather than giving them an easy answer.

During my time we visit the library and we read. We watch movies I think they should see. We play together.

But it still sucks for the kids to have to travel 4 hours each way 2 weekends a month. They don’t get to see their friends during those weekends nor while they are here for the Summer. They have to shift gears with 2 separate sets of rules at 2 separate homes.

I just felt Divorce Guilt today and this is what it looks like. It is my baby girl’s birthday. We had already previously celebrated her birthday with presents and a cake over here, but today is the actual day and she’s with her mother. She actually gets 2 sets of presents, 2 cakes, 2 family parties… 2 birthdays essentially. Today, it took me until 4 pm to call and I felt guilty that it wasn’t the very first thing I did today. It’s irrational and she gave no hint that she thought I should have called earlier.

What Divorce Guilt does do to me is really make me second-guess myself even when I’ve arranged to put everything in the most positive of lights. One time I drove 4 hours each way one weekend just to go to a daddy-daughter event with my 9 year old at a church where I didn’t know anyone else and where I get dry heaves just driving by the building. I sat through a tortuous 20 minutes lesson on fatherhood by someone who probably barely remembers his 9 children’s names. I endured the communal singing of Happy Birthday to “The Prophet” who wasn’t even there. But I still felt bad that it wasn’t enough for this one daughter, the middle child, who can get lost in the shuffle.

Anyone who is divorced and sharing custody of kids will probably agree with me that the first and most common question we are asked is, “Do you and your ex-wife get along?” or its variation, “Did you and your ex-wife stay friends?”

I never know where to begin to answer. I tend to be a pretty nosy person myself, so I don’t really resent the questions. I understand that they’re just trying to ascertain how difficult things are for my children and for me.

Saying, “It’s complicated” or “It’s none of your business” and walking away isn’t my style. But let’s be honest, divorce is complicated and unless you have several spare hours to hear the twists and turns I can’t really answer your question. The details are maddening, really. So, I blog about it. This blog isn’t titled, “Dadsprimalcream” because everything is hunky-dory all the time.

Some things do go smoothly…

I just made a quick mid-week trip (4 hours each way) out to see my kids. I arrived when school got out, took my 13 year old to get a haircut, watched the younger ones perform in their school talent show and took them all out to dinner to celebrate 2 of their birthdays that come a day apart this weekend when I won’t be there. Time spent with my kids is always rejuvenating.

By all appearances, my ex-wife and I do get along swimmingly. I picked the younger kids up from school, walked home with them and hung out with them for about an hour at their Mom’s home. I was there when she got home from work and we exchanged pleasantries.

At the talent show we sat together in the front row. After my dinner out with the kids I went back to her home and spent another 45 minutes there (in a perfect world I would have her come along, but some things are too much to ask)… reading with my youngest… watching their latest tricks on the trampoline… kissed all the kids goodnight and coordinated the next custody time with my ex-wife before driving 4 hours back home.

In two weeks she’ll be going to a conference for the weekend so I’ll go out and stay in her home with the kids while she’s gone. I’ve done that sort of things several times. Sounds like we live in a divorce paradise right?

Upon getting divorced I made a few commitments to myself:

1) I would take every opportunity to share time and space with my kids regardless of the reason. I knew from experience that I’d be expected to take the kids if it benefited her but that it would be a struggle if it inconvenienced her.

2) I wouldn’t argue in front of the kids or talk poorly about their Mom, or Mom’s family, or Mom’s religion in front of the children.

3) I wouldn’t make the kids act as messengers between their Mom and me.

A little over a year ago I was talking to my son about his friends, most of which have divorced parents too. He remarked that he was glad that his Mom and I don’t fight and that we get along compared to his friends’ divorced parents. So, we’re doing something right.

Obviously, staying in her home while she’s gone so I don’t have to incur hotel costs is huge. I do often go over and stay in a hotel with the kids and it can get expensive. I appreciate that.

I don’t think she directly bad-mouths me to the kids.

What they don’t see

As I said, it’s not all wine grape juice and roses.

First of all, she did move my children a six hour drive away from their Dad (I moved 2 hours closer since then – maybe one day I can actually find a job THERE).

She is always more difficult if any member of her family are around. She would not have sat next to me (or anywhere near me) at the kids’ talent show, for example, but would have made the kids feel torn; “Should I sit with Mom and grandparents or Dad?” (I always try to lighten that burden by telling the kids I’m just happy to be there and they can sit wherever they want).

All our communications are limited to money and custody times. It is a constant struggle to get information about the kids. She did not make the same commitment as I did to not use the kids as middle-messengers. I only know about their activities through them. I talk to their school teachers independently because nothing is filtered down to me otherwise. I have never missed a child support payment and yet I have to fight to interact daily with my kids.

She resents that I’m the “Disneyland Dad” even though it’s her move that put me in this position.

I haven’t yet had the stomach to revisit that whole custody battle in this blog, but about a year after our supposedly amicable divorce she elected to move away. I fought her in court and lost. More than the divorce it was the worst experience of my life. It’s also embarrassing because most people assume one parent can’t move away when they have a joint custody arrangement unless one parent is unfit.

Trust me, they can.

Take a stay-at-home Mom, and add a gay Dad. If he has 100% supported the family financially and thus enabled her to stay home then you have a man with no rights and a women who has ultimate power to do whatever the hell she wants with her children. If anyone reading this is where I was 6 years ago, take this advice:

1) Do not trust a lawyer, the law, family counselors or the court system to care what’s best for your children. It’s the adults that have rights. And when I say “adults” I mean the Mom.

2) Before divorcing, and if you are a good parent, demand 50% custody – as in the amount of time the kids are with you. Just declaring “joint custody” doesn’t mean diddly-squat if the kids are not with you 50% of the time. Not 49%, but 50%. The one with 51% has all the power.

Part of me wants to say that I will never forgive her for moving. And part of me won’t. I still think it was a horribly selfish thing to do.

But not long after the decision was reached in the courts, I experienced a “spiritual lightening” of my load of bitterness and anger. I knew it would only hurt me and my children, not her, if I kept resentment as part of my interaction with her. Part of that I’m sure was the stark realization that I held no power as a father and therefore I had no choice but to acquiesce on well, just about everything.

I know all this was a long-winded set-up for the question I posed in the title of this post, but here goes…

Now that I’m essentially without power, it’s very difficult to choose my battles… any battle at all… I’m constantly asking myself, “Is this the hill you want to die on?” Because as bad as I think it is now I know it can and would get much worse.

Yesterday, my 13 year old son was exhausted. He’d had a sleepless night because the day before he’d asked his first girl to “go out with him” and she’d said yes so he was elated. He was so excited that he couldn’t sleep. In Junior High lingo that pretty much means they are boyfriend/girlfriend and will hold hands and perhaps sneak a kiss at school (I’m telling myself that that’s it anyway).

He was even more exhausted in that way you are when you anticipate another sleepless night. You see, the youth in his ward were meeting this morning at 4:15 am at the church for a temple trip to do baptisms for the dead BEFORE SCHOOL?!!! That means he’d have to be up around 3:45 at the latest!

Am I crazy for thinking that it is horribly wrong to wake children up on a weekday at that hour? I’d never heard of that before! I’ll post sometime about my own early morning seminary days, both attending and teaching it, but I’m talking about 12 and 13 year olds here!!! He even told me that last time that this happened, he and his friend ditched school because they were so tired afterwards.

But is this the hill I want to die on?

Saying something will only close doors for me. Past experience has taught me that I can’t say anything about church or the kids just stop talking to me about it. If I say something to him, he’ll just stop telling me about these trips or anything related to church. I lightly hinted that I thought it was wrong for children his age to be up that early and that studies showed that his sleep was more important.

And I can’t even hint to his mother that not only is it irresponsible religious behavior to do this to kids on a school day, but that it’s also careless parenting to allow it.

Anyone who has been Mormon knows that a true blue Mormon parent such as my ex-wife wouldn’t even think to question it, let alone suggest that he shouldn’t just follow glossy-eyed the next morning into the baptismal font.

When it comes to religion especially, I can’t say anything. For example, once-upon-a-time my ex-wife agreed with me that it was foolish to allow children to be interviewed alone by an adult. But now, on her own I’m certain she would never say anything or regulate that behavior among her religious leaders. As my oldest children enter adolescence, I feel powerless to suggest otherwise.

As it stands, by not saying anything to them overtly their guards are down around me and I get to teach them lessons that reflect my values and hopefully plant seeds that make them go, “hmmm?” If I say anything the glossy-eyed wall comes up. It’s a horrible thing to watch.

Back in the day, her moving away with my children was the hill I was willing to die on. And die I did.

I’m not sure now if I have the capability, discernment or hope of recognizing another hill worth fighting on or not.