Nick Chats with Ex Andi
Andi is back and Nick notes that it's surprising she's there "right before Rose Ceremony." Is it though? He says right before Rose Ceremony like right before Homeroom.

Nick: "Do you need a drink?" He liquors up immediately when someone comes in unexpectedly.

Absolutely I need a drink. I used to be a lawyer then I was publicly humiliated by picking a roided out psychopath as my fiance on national television. Now I'm back to give love advice to the terrible lay that I didn't pick to promote my book sales.

Andi tells him she's just checking in with him, as all exes do to their former lover when they're deciding whether or not to fuck all their new girlfriends. Nick: "I just can relate to you a little more now... I have four very smart women. Very strong-headed women."

I TOTALLY get why you made love to me when you weren't in love with me. This entire process is a blue balls MARATHON.

Their head strength is bionic. I think I'm going to try slamming one of their heads into a dart board just to see what we're working with.

Andi jokes: "And they stuck around? Well, you know I have to give you a little shit."

We kid. We're BFFs and not narcissistic cogs in the wheel who need each other for mutual benefit at this exact moment in time.

You DID slut shame me on national television.

The women start to arrive and Lord Harrison walks them to a freezing balcony to await Nick whilst he jokes around with his ex-girlfriend for our amusement.

You know what they say makes a perfect outfit combination: yetti on the top, loin cloth on the bottom.

Tiffany Trump: "He knows me almost to the core now."

My crust is gold, my mantle is silver, and he's almost at the platinum vagine core.

I always think GOT whenever they show that Vale building.

Nick: "I have my insecurities about being the Bachelor. I have my insecurities about this world."

I have my insecurities about being the Bachelor, I have my insecurities about this world, I have my insecurities about saying the letter S, etc.

Nick and Andi remark on this bizarre conversation. Andi: "It is kind of weird."

It's kind of weird, forced, gross...

Nick: "Last time you knocked on my door surprisingly, you broke up with me. You dumped me on national television."

Now that I've risen in ranks in the Bachelor world, the apprentice becomes the master.

Andi: "But now you're dumping 29 girls."

Yeah, don't try to spew any more hypocritical bullshit at me.

Nick: "I’m not going to get engaged just because I’m the Bachelor. I’m not gonna pick one just because she’s the last one standing."

Like, I'm physically attracted to all of them. I've had to wear my loosest short shorts to hide how into all of them I am.

Like, you know how we non-sociopathic human men like women for qualities other than what they can be manipulated to do for them.

Andi gives Nick her woman's permission slip to fuck all of his contestants he sees possibility with. Andi: "I think if you see a potential for that girl to be standing there at the end and you getting down on one knee with her, then that lends itself, if you two agree. I think you have every right to get intimate."

I'm talking full chub potensh. No limp mashing again. We need you to be a winner.

It's so feminist of me to encourage a guy in a power position to fuck women in an inferior position to him after they've been psychologically tortured for months, cut off from the outside world. I'm 2017's Norma Rae.

Andi: "Do you look back and you're like, 'Damn, I shouldn't have said why would you make love with me if you weren't in love with me?'"

Do you ever think, 'Damn, that was the most toolbag thing some fucktard like myself could have ever said'?

Nick: "I didn't take till now to probably be like, 'Eh, probably not the best move.'"

I literally never gave a moment's thought to your perspective until I was in your exact same shoes.

Eh, boys will be boys, right?!

He tells her his biggest regret is that it caused her hurt and "—for that I’ve always been sorry."

See how sorry I am, ignore my flat affect and dead wandering eyes.

Andi: "We’ve both done our damage but like, don't let that keep you from anything now. This is like your one chance, and don't let something you did two years ago ruin that."

Don't start getting cockblocked by your conscience now.

Rose Ceremony

The women are freezing, waiting for Nick. Next-Bachelorette-Rachel: "My feelings are at an all-time high."

I went to law school so I could be standing in the freezing cold hoping some dullard haircut will pick me out of a lineup of ding dongs in the freezing night air.

Vanessa: "I just want it to be over."

Just practicing my lines for fantasy suites!

Tiffany Trump: "I don’t know what kind of parents they have."

Did their parents serve better olives? Did their parents have larger gold chain necklances? Did their parents have a Nanny who can speak better English? So many unknowns!

Nick: "I’m sorry for making you ladies wait. I know it’s cold." He tells them each family was "uniquely special". He said it was too cruel to put Danielle or Kristina through rose ceremony but he's finally forced to have another one.

He gives a general speech to the girl who's going home before they even know who it is: "Um, for the woman I'm saying goodbye to tonight, how appreciative I am of-- of my entire time with you, and I just want to thank you so much."

I would really prefer to not talk to you individually so each of you should memorize this sentiment but only one of you needs to remember it after this ceremony.

Nick gives roses to Raven, Next-Bachelorette-Rachel, and Canadian Vanessa.

NOW I FEEL SPECIAL AGAIN!

Nooooooooo Nick is sending Tiffany Trump home before he fucks her?!?!?! This is truly shocking. Corinne does the fakest cry in the world.

Like a toddler who fell down, is fine, and then sees their parent's concerned face so they start crying.

Tiffany Trump: "I’m sorry if I ever did anything to make you upset."

I know the handy in the hotel room was dry but NO PA would get me any lube!

Nick: "You didn't do anything wrong ever... You have nothing to regret. Nothing to second-guess. Not a thing. You need to know that."

Nick: "I have such a love for you Corinne." Nick doesn’t give her any explanation.

Tiffany Trump: "Saying goodbye to Nick is like-- I feel like my heart is like, literally like, it's never going to be repaired."

If only I had some kind of... tropical distraction coming up...

Tiffany Trump: "I just want to feel loved the way it’s supposed to be. Why can’t I just have a normal relationship?"

Why can't I just have a normal relationship where we dress in trench coats and whip cream each other's tits in bouncy houses?

Tiffany Trump: "I’m trying to, you know, say things that men think are appropriate. And you know what? I’m done. Done trying to show my men how much I worship them and how much I love them and I care for them and support them. I’m done trying to impress these men..."

Tiffany Trump: "I will never kiss up to a man ever again in my life. I’m tired and done... I want to go to sleep."

Must return to my safe space of unconsciousness...

Nick Flies to Finland!
​Nick: "Most of my memories in this world end with me getting my heart broken."

Most of my memories in this world end with me getting my heart broken but on Planet Zion I am KILLING IT.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh

Nick: "I couldn’t imagine a more magical place for this entire journey to end."

The most magical place this entire journey could end is a completely desolate landscape.

Nick: "This is the most Northern place I’ve ever been… Only get a few hours of sunlight every day."

We're only going to need a few hours of sunlight if you know what I mean...

Raven’s Fantasy Suite Date

Look at me, I'm a helicopter!!

They helicopter around a national park.

Raven: "I totally can see my life with him." Nick: "It’s a relationship that’s like a choose-you-own-adventure book. Being with Raven makes me feel excited and a little crazy in a great, fun way. Raven has that Southern, sweet charm and that just wonderful, like edgy craziness. It’s like the perfect combination of salty and sweet.

She's the perfect combination of salty and sweet. Like trail mix. Parts of it are fun. Parts of it are gross. But overall it passes for food!

Nick uses Raven as a human dart. Raven: “I feel like this could be an everyday thing.”

I feel like this could be an everyday thing. Maybe we can even move on to breaking down castle doors!

Nick: "When you found out your dad was cancer free. It was nice to see you get a little emotional."

I love to see you cry.

Raven: "I'm a daddy's girl, for sure."

Most of the t-shirts in my store say Daddy's Girl, Slay, 2 Cute 4 U

Nick tells Raven he tends not to date women like his Mom.

I love a woman with a big personality. Honestly, my Mom is boring AF. It's like, you're pregnant, WE GET IT, MOM.

Nick: "I also want to be stimulated in other ways other than just physically... I hate folding clothes."

Come closer to the glass, Clarice.

Nick: "Can you fold laundry?" Raven: "Yeah, I own a clothing store."

It's almost like you haven't internalized the most basic facts about me.

Raven: "I'm in love with Nick and I could spend my life with him."

I AM already promised to one of my Ken dolls but I think they can share.

Raven: "Hoxie wasn’t so bad, was it?"

You don't think I'm trash, do you?

They talk about her being nervous for a while.

Nick: "I've never been in this position before... I'm in my head a lot."

Nick: "Like, I don't have any like, expectations."

And you probably shouldn't either. I've been called Nicholas Limp Mash Viall.

Raven: "I’ve never told someone I loved him... I've never had an orgasm before." OK so she's this season's "virgin". This show loves to fetishize small town virgins.

With a guy who's fucking other women while a bunch of people hover around our hotel room listening is for sure gonna be the way to get this to happen for me.

"I think I could go there with Nick today."

As long as he's been honest and TOLD me he's banging other chicks, it's totes fine. What do you mean low bar?

It's going to seem way more normal than after my first date when I actually first told him.

Nick: "I had a great time today, um, watching you play darts."

I had a great time watching you play darts, watching myself use you as a human dart, watching myself bragging to the local alcoholics about how Imma dart inside you tonight, ETC.

Nick keeps itching his turtleneck sweater.

My body condom is getting itchy.

Raven: "Coming into this I was the biggest skeptic."

The only things I wasn't skeptical of were: Jesus is the son of God, ghosts can be exorcized by rebuking them, grain bins store secrets, leaving your Daddy with cancer to go on a reality dating show will cure his cancer, etc.

The key ingredients to opening me up are making me feel safe, singing Disney songs, and Rufoolin.

Raven: “I’ve only been sexually active with one man."

With the other guys I was only star-fishing.

Nick gives Raven the Fantasy Suite Card and Raven accepts.

Raven: "I need to remind you of two things. One I’ve only been with one person. I want you to keep that in mind. My second thing is that my last boyfriend, my ex, who I was intimate with, never made me orgasm. Lost for words?"

He cheated on me so I'm gonna blow up his spot as much as fucking possible.

Nick: “I was not expecting that.” Nick threatens to not sleep with the women in his confessional because, "Not sleeping with the women might help me get to that level." This is the most sociopathic thing he’s ever said. He takes her to a log cabin. Nick: "So like, it has a glass ceiling."

So like, it has a glass ceiling, that will remain on top of you, judging you, as you service me for the country's entertainment.

Raven feels "the butterflies, warm and fuzzies, pitter-patter of the heart."

Raven: "I think tonight is like, the biggest night of my life."

They are using whether Raven is going to orgasm when Nick fucks her as a cliffhanger.
​

Upcoming Scenes: Next week is 3 hours...

Lord Harrison: "Will Raven’s date come to a satisfying end?"

Will Raven get fucked right?

Lord Harrison: "When things heat up with Vanessa, will she get cold feet?"

Will Vanessa realize she's stooping?

Nick: "I’m not traditional at all."

Like, I'm completely bare down there.

Tag: Nick doing Rocky in the snow?

Don't worry Nick, we're going to make it look like a bigger stick in Post, don't worry.