American Idol kills the competition

American Idol was seen by more viewers than any other show on television with a reported 37.9 million viewers on Tuesday's 2 hour opener. Wednesday's show followed up with 37.3 million swamping the other networks by at least twice as many viewers.

The producers of Idol decided to put a new twist on the audition phase of competition this year by installing red buttons in 1000 American households. These buttons are a way for viewers to immediately supply feedback to the hosts of the show.

If someone is especially pathetic people hit the red button and a corresponding light is lit on the judges table. When the light goes off the offending person auditioning is immediately dispatched with the utmost predigest.

One particularly bad contestant was surprised, when in the middle of his particularly unbearable audition the light on the table lit up a linebacker from the Oakland Raiders, cross body blocked him into the wall rendering him helpless. "What the bloody hell was that?" Cowell asked, "that almost was non-human" referring to his rendition of "Unchained Melody".

Another obviously delusional woman after a particularly off key song complained she would do better with a drink of water to which Cowell replied "you could be in the bath tub and not sing well" the light went off and fire hoses were turned on the girl flushing her out the door.

Another sad audition ended with the stage springing up, throwing the contestant into the air with trap doors opening up for her to fall through, depositing her in the street below.

The judges released a statement to the press in regards to this cruel and unusual treatment of contestants.

We've had it, we can't stand hearing any more of these mental patients, if they're going to subject us to cruel and unusual punishment we're going to make them pay.

In the future obnoxious contestants will be burned, flooded, sprung, catapulted, tackled, mutilated, bounced, ejected, hit, booed, humiliated, assaulted, battered or a combination of any of the above.

Next year if a contestant is particularly bad and they look like a lemur they'll be turned into a lemur.

All things being equal that's truly good television.

From the desk ofBuck E FilbertJan 20 2007

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