50 Shades of Facebook [THIS IS A PREVIEW]

'Balls'. The gaffer said, 'Show me your balls'. So the equipment manager retrieved a big bag of balls from the storeroom. It was a heaving net of bulging Nike balls, emblazoned with Go Nad across the face of them. Some of them had deflated and would, of course, require a good pumping. These were pure, white spheres that the 11 men couldn't wait to get hold of and play with. After a summer of no action, they were gagging for a bit of ball. Especially the keeper, as he hadn't jumped on a ball for a good couple of months. It was going to get messy.

Meanwhile, the star striker was on the physio's table. 'Show me your cock' is what the striker heard and he said, 'Excuse me?' 'Show me your knock, the knock you got in your last pre-season friendly against that Israeli side Sodom FC', said the physio. 'Oh ok', the forward known for his penetrating runs replied. He assumed the position and the phsyio took care of him.

In the dressing room, the manager was giving his men a team talk. 'Look lads, I want you to lather the opposition with your sweat'. The lads nodded. The gaffer obviously wanted more effort this year and in the upcoming game. The gaffer then looked at their left winger. His home form had been terrible the previous season but he was very good at playing away from home. 'I'll be pulling you off', said the gaffer. 'I'll be pulling you off real fast if you put in another bad performance'. Then the lads all shouted and psyched each other up and slapped each other's arses. In the words of Jamie Redknapp, they would literally do the opposition.

In the game itself, the lads were losing quite heavily. By the 60th minute the team had shipped 4 goals without reply and the defense were ejaculating the ball with careless abandon all over the pitch. The manager was expecting more tit-for-tat instead of this willy-nilly performance and wanted his team to show a bit of spirit and fight back. The full-time score was 5-1.

'I have never been so ashamed to have 11 men under me' screamed the gaffer after the match. He also blamed the ref for allowing the opposition to go down so easily and roll around. As promised, he had pulled his winger off quite vigorously after the third goal. Nothing came of it, however, as the teams still lost. 'These guys suck' was the headline in the papers the next day and the team ended the pre-season tour with a rather limp showing.

Now for the gaffer to solve the mystery of his defender with the sprained wrist and his midfielder with the pulled groin.