Past few months I've been entertaining some really weird moods and not for any valid reason, nothing weird or bad or out of the ordinary has been happening in my life. Business as usual. Nevertheless I've been feeling weird and slightly upset almost all of the time and worst of all I've been continually revisiting past and trying to make sense of it and put things into new perspective (especially some really bad things that happened about 10 years ago). I wasn't even sure why, maybe because I believe in cycles in life and 10 is nice round number and maybe I wanted to get some closure and maybe I wanted to come full circle and maybe I just liked digging through past and making myself feel weird for the sake of it? Whatever it was, I kept finding myself haunted by this strange mood, draining me of life force and making me feel stuck. Then one day, during a meditation a very specific and clear thought came into my mind:

If you want to make any significant breakthroughs you must disengage from the current narrative of your life.

Just this thought alone was a breakthrough in itself because it made me think, whoa, that makes sense! I let myself really dwell in the energy of this message, this idea of disengaging from the narrative of my life. It made me wonder what is the current narrative of my life, what is the story I'm living right now? Is it a story I wrote for myself by myself or am I somehow playing a character in someone else's story? And what's up with this word disengage? Why not just let go, or withdraw or release? When I looked up the definition of the word I find out it can be used in military terms (to order a group of soldiers to stop fighting and move away from an area) and as I read that my weird moods started to become more clear to me. I've been struggling, fighting to make sense of the narrative, of the story of the past 10 years of my life forcing myself to make sense of it and not succeeding. I've turned my mind into a battlefield and done nothing but drained myself of energy. Disengage, disengage, stop fighting.

The painting you see above was a result of me being fully immersed in the process of disengaging, of letting go of the narrative of my life, of the story line I've been stuck in. Working on it felt more like a painting meditation on the idea of disengaging and breaking away from something that was holding me back rather than just a process of working on a pretty, colorful, abstract painting. Most of my recent paintings feel like that, like painting meditations and I'm getting more and more into it almost to a point where painting is becoming more like just a process or even a tool for self discovery and self development rather than a final result. And for now I'm totally ok with that :)

I opened my eyes to find out I was at the at the core of the void. There was nothing. How to describe endless, limitless Nothing?

I saw a documentary on deep ocean once. Can you imagine, narrator asked, there are creatures in here that have never encountered a solid surface in their entire existence?Can you imagine space so vast and infinite, so enormous, stretching out forever in every conceivable direction but completely empty and unable to sustain anything let alone life? Yet I found myself there, in the belly of an endless emptiness swallowed whole. I wondered, if this is how death feels like, why do I still exist? If there is truly nothing in here, no solid surface to hold onto to, no ground to stand on, why does my body feel pulled down by inexplicable, powerful gravity? If nothing can be sustained in here, why am I still whole, why am I not disintegrating cell by cell, particle by particle, disappearing into the great Nothing?

But there was something in there: there was pain. Inconceivable emotional pain, pain as absence of love, pain as sharp as cold metal cutting through soft flesh. Pain so heavy, pain as absence of lightness, like millions of other bodies trying to squeeze themselves into my own tiny body that was already too small to for me to inhabit. Weight of millions of other bodies pressed against mine. Pain so dark, pain as absence of light, pain imprinting itself onto my soul, tattooing its scars with the blackest inks onto my skin. Pain so dark and sticky like thickest of the oils spilling into the ocean killing off all life.

So, there was pain and there was I becoming this horrifying pain personified, transforming, taking its shape. Is this something you can just snap out of? Is this just a bad attitude that requires some adjusting? Is this something you can pull yourself out of and how can you medicate yourself out of this condition?

I met a boy once, he was so colorful and free I thought his love would be my best medicine. But he couldn't really see me or understand the absence of joy in the way I moved or why I couldn't believe him when he said that life was oh so amazing. He couldn't comprehend why I wouldn't play with him or why I kept dipping my brush into black ink to paint the darkest landscapes so he moved onto loving and marrying someone as colorful and free as he was. How I could I blame him? I have become pain personified after all and pain is the absence of love and obviously I couldn't give him any. He had every right to choose someone else and I had given myself right to go back to my darkness.

I had a dream once. In that dream everything seemed wrong. A group of cloaked figures stood gathered in a circle chanting and praying. But the words of their prayers sounded wrong, perverted, blasphemous. How dare you, you're doing it wrong, I yelled at them, this is not how you should pray! Another figure appeared on my right and said: Well, who are you to judge them? There is good and there is evil in all of us, including yourself and we all have free will to choose between the two. So who are you to judge? Confused and angry I looked around to find myself surrounded by infinite emptiness again, fully emerged into the great Nothing, and I knew I've stayed here for too long and I needed to make a choice. I choose light, I choose love, I need to get the fuck out of here. I focused all of my willpower, all of my strength and conviction into manifesting a tiny light, a tiny flicker, small purple star above my head and let it guide me up, up and above until I finally felt I was leaving that unholy place.

I've escaped. I found myself somewhere else, standing on a hill above a small port town, with a beautiful view over rows of traditional stone houses, small gardens, olive trees and calm blue sea. I didn't recognize this place but it looked so idyllic, so pleasant, so inviting. Still, something felt wrong and as I reached forward with my hand I realized the scenery that seemed so real was just a huge painted canvas, an illusion, a curtain to be pulled down. So I pulled down the curtain and stepped forward to find myself in another place, this time a busy, industrial part of some big, metropolitan city. I saw cars driving by, people rushing around and I instantly knew this must be an illusion as well, this can't be a real place either. I was right, this was another fake place, another curtain to be pulled down, another layer to be peeled off. So I did it, I pulled down another canvas, walked through another projection only to find myself in yet another imaginary space. But I kept pushing through, pulling down one curtain, one projection screen at the time until after 6-7 tries I finally arrived at a place that felt real.

It was dawning and the atmosphere was still painted blue. All of my senses were engaged now, I could smell wet grass, feel the chilly wind on my bare arms, hear bird songs and feel the firm ground under my feet, I knew this place was real, not another illusion. I kept walking and I saw horses. Seeing and hearing horses brought me deep sense of relief as if in some way they (or their spirit) guided me back here. I knew I was safe now, I was at the right place. It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.

I opened my eyes, awakened from my dream to find myself at home, in a familiar bed. It was dawning and room was filled with soft blue hues. I felt safe, I felt saved. I've escaped, I've found my way out of the void and I'm never coming back.

*this text is about an experience I had about 10 years ago, I'm not currently depressed just felt like writing about it :)

On Friday I had a moment, a moment that lasted about couple of hours. I wasn't feeling very well, day before I managed to reignite an old lower back injury so on Friday I couldn't move with ease. I was feeling nervous and tense all day and nothing helped so in late afternoon I decided to embrace my back pain and irritability and pulled out a stack of printer paper and colored inks. I started to spontaneously smack ink on paper in an act I like to ironically call inxorcism, a process of exorcising my inner restlessness by splashing ink around without any plan or purpose other than making myself feeling better. It took me 60 paintings to get tired of the process (and also make a lot of mess). You can see few of those ink messes below arranged in diptychs. As you can tell I also wrote down some random thoughts on some of the pieces in stream-of-conscientiousness manner.

It feels like I lived at least ten different lives within this one and I'm too young to feel this way but I'll probably keep on dying over and over again. "But aren't we all dead in between heartbeats anyway?", he said. "You don't die, you simply change, wax and wane like the Moon. You haven't really died, you just changed shapes- at your core you remained the same."

My body is made of secrets and black ink.

In a dream I saw a white swan and a tiny shark swimming in circles in a tank filled with milk.

In a dream I failed all of my school exams, couldn't learn to read or decypher your math. And I failed to count all the ways I've betrayed myself allowing you to humiliate me.

After a few challenging, busy weeks from tomorrow on I'll be disappearing into a secret, magical land (well, not really secret nor magical, but it sounds nice & dramatic so...) free from internet connection, phone and other everyday distractions to rest, relax and recharge my batteries. I plan on eating delicious vegan food, drawing, enjoying nature and doing other relaxing, fun stuff. I won't be available for at least the rest of the week, maybe longer so if I don't answer messages and e-mails, don't fret I will get in touch once I'm back.

Also, I've been going through some old photos and I found this slightly creepy, long exposure portrait of yours truly disappearing into one of my old paintings that kinda fits today's post, so here it is:

In lately I've been thinking a lot about why I love creating abstract art so much and why I appreciate it in general. Well, do you know how abstract art doesn't really have a recognizable subject matter but often still has content, usually an emotional content? That's where my main interest lies, in creating pure emotional content. I'm inspired to capture the essence of a feeling or an experience but without having to realistically depict or illustrate what caused them. The simplest way to put it: I just want to express pure emotions through painting.

The painting you see above was made in November 2015. When working on it I felt a sense of being haunted by something unknown, dark and murky and I felt as if I was drowning in dirty, muddy swamp waters or being helplessly dragged through deep mud. I was also sick at the time so my negative emotions were probably connected to lack of physical strength and vitality. Since this painting was connected to something so unpleasant I didn't want to post it online and I almost forgot I even made it until few days ago when I found a quote by Georgia O'Keefe written in my art journal.

“Whether you succeed or not is irrelevant, there is no such thing. Making your unknown known is the important thing–and keeping the unknown always beyond you.”- Georgia O'Keeffe

Even though my dirty looking brown painting wasn't inspired by the quote I felt like there is some strange connection to it and that the title The unknown would suit it pretty well and that it does deserve to be shared online as well :)

Sometimes on Sunday afternoons (or later in the evening) I get this weird knot in my stomach and I start feeling anxious thinking about the upcoming work week and all the things it brings. The knot looks a bit like a gif you can see below :)

Once upon a time I used to make cute and fun children's illustrations and liked it. But, at one point (about 2.5 years ago) I started hating my work. Things gotten incredibly frustrating and unsatisfying in every possible way so I decided to quit and declared creative bankruptcy. I moved on to other things in life and resolved (in a very dramatic and overly-emotional manner) that I will never ever do anything creative or artistic again, either in professional or personal life. My never ever lasted for about 2 months when I spontaneously started my current art project Ink Flower Garden, a series of abstract ink paintings and drawings. This current work is totally different from illustrations I've made before but they are still made by the same creative mind, by the same creative energy.

I've learned so much by giving up what no longer made me feel good and one of the most important lesson I've came to realize is: YOU CAN ALWAYS RE-INVENT YOURSELF.

We can lose motivation and inspiration to work on our creative projects, passion for creating can ware off, business ventures can fail, we can go bankrupt (either creatively or financially), we can be betrayed by people we trusted the most, whole lot of bad things can happen to us making us feel defeated and desperate and not wanting to even try starting another new project ever again. But no matter what happens we can invent and re-invent ourselves over and over again.

Talent, creativity, willingness to work hard, determination, confidence-all those qualities and many, many more come from the inside, we carry them within ourselves. Nobody else can make you creative, hard-working, courageous or inventive and nobody else can take those qualities away from you- they are yours to keep forever and you can use them and re-use them to start any new project you can think of.

Being aware of this not only gives me peace of mind but also makes me more creative and motivated. I know that no matter what happens, no matter what I lose or how many times I fail I will always be able to re-build and re-invent my life. It gives me more freedom to explore and experiment and enjoy life more and it's one of the lessons I am most grateful to have learned.

One of the most frustrating, reoccurring dreams I have goes something like this: a friend invites me on a fun trip and I enthusiastically agree to go. I feel very happy and excited to go on an adventure but then as soon as I start packing frustration begins. I keep finding more and more stuff that I need to pack and to prepare myself for the journey. I also realize that before I pack stuff I need for the trip, I first need to rearrange and clean them. While I'm in the process of doing it, often someone comes by to interrupt me demanding I do something for them, run an errand or help them with some petty problem. Of course, this distracts me from doing my own thing and around then I also realize that I'm getting late for my trip. I should've been on my way already but I haven't even finished packing up the essentials and the amount of other (often trivial, annoying) things to do keeps pilling up. At that point in my dream I start feeling sad and disappointed because I missed my opportunity to go on a fun adventure yet I keep on desperately cleaning, rearranging stuff and packing even though I know I'm not going anywhere. All I wanted to do in my dream is to leave, to run out, freely, without any restraints or baggage yet I was held up by endless preparation process.

This type of dream reflects my frustrations with constantly feeling like I'm stuck in some sort of preparation phase, getting ready to do what I really want to but being too overwhelmed by day-to-day problems, domestic minutiae and other people's needs and demands. I'm always one task, one errand, one obligation away from taking some time just for myself, from tending to my own needs. It gets incredibly exhausting and frustrating. All I want to do is let go of all the baggage and finally do the things I need to feel energized and replenished. I think a lot of us have felt the same at least in some period of our lives (especially women).

This process also affects my creative life. I make my best work when I'm being spontaneous, without any planning or preparation, when I allow myself to be as expressive as I need to, when I'm working fast. Too often I catch myself stifling my own creativity by doing too much planning, by overthinking (sometimes to a point of giving myself a headache), by disrespecting my own needs. Over-planning and overthinking can definitely suck out the joy from creative process, making painting feel as yet another task to fulfill, another thing to cross off the to-do list rather than an act of unrestrained self-expression I crave in order to feel truly alive.

Recently I was encouraged to a to start a very exciting, fun project and my first reaction to it was no, I can't possibly just start doing it, I must prepare, do the research, make plans... so I've spent last 5 days giving myself headache by overthinking and trying to plan out every little detail in advance. While making plans can be valuable, sometimes it's more important, especially when it comes to creative endeavors to just let it go and take action then adjust as you go along.

So, today I'm reminding myself to: stop preparing, start doing, take action, be spontaneous and enjoy the processand most importantly: LET GO OF ALL THE BAGGAGE AND RUN.

Sometimes I get asked if my art has some sort of a message or even more commonly does it mean something? I guess it's a question to be expected when you're making abstract, non-representational work. Whenever I think about what kind of message could be expressed through my work (or other people's abstract work) one of my favorite quotes comes to mind:

"Whereas the writer has to use the shared language of speech, every artists uses his own self-invented visual language." - Henri Matisse

This visual language each artist invents is, I believe, the message of their artwork. I also believe that just by looking at the painting you should be able to get the message, by reading that visual language you should be able to understand what the painting means. No additional explanations by artists themselves, art critics or curators should be needed. A painting should speak directly to you. I think what very often confuses people (especially when it comes to abstract art) is that they're trying to understand a painting through logical, rational mind, they are trying to analyze it somehow. But, reading visual language is not a mental process (like for example reading written words, reading a book) it's an intuitive one. Abstract art speaks to us through intuition, on emotional level and it's best to approach it with an open heart rather than with sharp mind. And that's something I hope others would do when looking at my work as well, approach it with their open hearts, feel into my it and let it whisper to them on an intuitive level. That subtle feeling they experience while looking at my paintings, whatever it is- is the message of my art.

For the last couple of years I've been resisting making any New Year's resolutions but regardless of that some sort of resolutions and plans seem to spontaneously emerge in my life demanding me to embrace them. In late December I wrote these words on the first page of a new art journal: "Work hard. Love life!" thinking that would be a nice theme for upcoming year. But with the beginning of 2016. I realized there is no way I could work hard or love life if I don't take a short break as soon as possible. Last few months of 2015. have been extremely stressful for me and left me feeling sad. So I decided to take 3 days off and go on mini vacation later this week. For someone who is: a)very restless with difficulty to relax and b)chronic workaholic (and not proud about it) taking even a short break can be pretty challenging but it's something I desperately need to do right now. So, yes I'll be working hard and loving life in 2016. BUT FIRST VACATION :)

scanned pages from my art journal.

My first "serious" resolution for 2016. is : STAY INSIDE OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE AND THINK INSIDE OF THE BOX.

Sounds like odd resolution, right? We've been constantly encouraged to "step outside of our comfort zones" and to "think outside of the box" because that's what creative people do and that's where the "real life begins" and so on.But, you know what? First of all, I'm so bored with hearing such phrases and I'm also tired of constantly challenging myself and putting myself into very uncomfortable positions just for the sake of self-development or potential progress. I'm more than ready to start living my life inside of my comfort zone, doing what I'm comfortable withand I'm ready to start acknowledging and honoring my strengths instead of continuing to push myself into often stressful situations. I'm tired of wasting my energy trying to become someone I'm not or someone I believe I could become rather than respecting the person who I already am.

But, you know what else, I'm super ready to start thinking inside of the box too. With experience I've learned that if you truly want to be creative and come up with unique ideas you first need to set some kind of limitations for yourself. It's bit paradoxical but it works. As a traditional artist I'm constantly thinking inside of the box, or more precisely I'm thinking inside of the rectangle or square format of paper I'm painting on. All of my compositions have to be able to work inside of those very specific, very limiting parameters. Generally speaking, whether you are a traditional or a contemporary artist, if you intend to show your work in let's say a gallery or museum space aren't you literally thinking inside of the box- what is a gallery space other than a room, a big box of sorts?

scanned pages from my art journal.

My second resolution for 2016. is: WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE TO DO, DO IT WITH CONFIDENCE AND CONVICTION. CREATE FROM THE HEART, SPEAK FROM THE HEART AND BE UNAPOLOGETIC ABOUT IT.

This resolution ties in well with the first one because one of the things I'm really comfortable with is to be introspective, deal with my deepest emotions and then bring them out to surface in form of abstract paintings. I do it with confidence, out of conviction and I intend to do it more in 2016. with more intensity. More and more, I feel like my creative process is starting to resemble metaphorical descent into the underworld. I feel as if every time I start a new painting I leap into abyss, dive into my inner world, into my subconscious to face my deepest, most hidden desires and fears, then bring them back to surface to transform them through process of painting. It feels like, in some way, I die a little and then get re-born every time I finish a new art piece. It's very intense but rewarding process I want to develop more regardless of the results.

scanned pages from my art journal.

Other art related plans for this year are to continue to work on Ink Flower Garden project (duh), to start making more gifs and short animations and write more to improve my English. And also to just MAKE HONEST ART because at the end of the day that's what truly matters to me.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about one of my favorite art quotes:

"Art is coming face to face with yourself." -Jackson Pollock

These words are so incredibly accurate and I do believe that every time we paint, draw or get into any type of creative process we are bound to confront ourselves, our feelings, desires and fears, hopes and insecurities etc. I believe that all art we create is always primarily about ourselves and never really about other people. Even when we say our work is about others or when we're creating for an audience and even if we want that audience to interact with our art I think that our work is always basically about us. Even when we claim to create work that, let's say, criticizes modern society or aims to fight for some cause, is it really society that we are confronting in our art, or are we actually facing our own expectations of how society should function? Do we really need others to interact with our art or are we just looking for external validation of our ideas? Does feedback we get from others truly matters so much or is it our own reaction to that feedback that we need to face (what if people hate your work, will you still keep on creating or will you quit, if you get lukewarm response will you continue to believe in your vision or will you start doubting yourself, if everyone loves what you do will you change as a person and will you start treating others differently...)? I'm not saying that it's impossible or dishonest to create with other people in mind or that our work can't serve anyone else but us, it definitely can. But I believe that essentially creative process is always an inward journey in which we are confronted with ourselves no matter what the end result of our work might be (a reaction to social injustice, exploration of philosophical ideas, entertainment or something else...). Creative process always mirrors our own inner world, our struggles, our believes, our wishes... or as Jackson Pollock said it so elegantly:

"Painting is self-discovery. Every good artist paints what he is." -Jackson Pollock

Being an artist whose medium of choice is ink I can't help but sometimes think about its history and its general applications. Unlike other traditional art mediums (such as watercolors or oil paints) ink is primarily used for writing and printing. Ever since it first appeared, way back in neolithic China it had been used as primary medium of documenting human history. Ink is everywhere around us, on money, on packaging and labels of various products. We use ink to permanently decorate our skin, to sign our name on contracts and documents and until recently we had our finger prints taken by use of ink. Ink is used in printing newspapers and books and some of the most significant texts in history of civilization were written in ink (such as Dead Sea Scrolls or Declaration Of Independence, for example.) So, sometimes when I sit at my drawing desk, before I begin to work, I let my mind wander and reflect on history and meaning of ink and how the importance and energy of that medium influences my own art.

I feel I have a personal relationship with ink. As a kid, I spent a lot of time around my grandfather who was an architect and has always been working on blueprints and drawing using pen and ink. I remember picking up ink pens as a very young kid and learning to draw with them. I always loved drawing with pens and had very little interest in using any other tools such as brushes (I haven't started using brushes and "painting with ink" until few years ago). When I was a teenager I was obsessed with filling pages with doodles, drawing silly comics and making absurd, artsy zines using black ink and pen. In my early twenties I went through some sort of angry, expressionist phase making artworks by spilling a lot of colored ink on paper and making a lot of mess. No matter what I was doing ink has always been playing an important role in my creative life and the older I get and the more I realize who I am as an artist the more I'm aware of my personal relationship with the medium. If I could pick only one art medium to use for the rest of my life it would most certainly be ink, I love it so much.

When ink is mentioned as an art medium most people will automatically think of black ink which is perfectly understandable considering its history. But, when I'm thinking of ink, I'm primarily referring to colored drawing ink (and all its incarnations such as gel ink etc). I do love black ink a lot but when love colors even more and I love using them in my art. Use of colored ink plays crucial role in my current personal art project, Ink Flower Garden (that's why is called ink garden after all :)). Not only colored ink helps to achieve beautiful, rich, saturated tones I love but some qualities of ink such as translucence allow me repetitively layer shapes on top of each other and get interesting effects. For example, by using ink you can easily achieve an effect of luminescence, an impression of light emanating from your art as well as many other unique effect I'm interested in exploring. I won't get into detail about how I make effects I do (maybe in some other post) but working with ink gives me everything I need and want as an artist. It makes me so happy to work with it and, frankly I'm feeling very blessed (as silly as that might sound) form this medium to be part of my life since is the perfect vehicle for my artistic self-expression. What is your medium of choice?

When I'm creating and making art I can be myself, fully and completely without any inhibitions. I don't have to play any roles, as we all do in our daily lives. When I'm creating I'm not a daughter, a friend, a cousin, a girlfriend, a lover, an employee, a neighbor, a citizen, a women or even an artist. I play the role of an artist only when I my work is finished and I share it with others. When I create I'm essentially me, no roles attached. When I create I allow myself to express whatever I want to or need to, I can be as messy and forceful as I want to be or as precise and deliberate, it all depends. I can be as irrational or obsessive or angry or crazy as I wish or I can choose to be kind and tender and gentle. Anything goes. But, honestly most of the time I fell like expressing my more forceful, intense, energetic side: a powerful burst of uninhibited energy. Majority of the time, in my daily life, I am kind, compassionate and understanding, polite and generally "nice" so making art provides great outlet for me to unleash my more aggressive and energetic side.

Usually only other time when I am able to fully express that side of me is when training. Not many people know this, but I'm bit of a fitness nut and I love exercising. I work out almost every day (occasionally I take rest days) but if I don't have a chance to exercise few days in a row I get very restless and nervous. I usually crave intense physical activity but earlier this year due to a minor injury I got into yoga. It took me some time to learn to like it but now I do. When I'm doing yoga at home, before I start my practice I say to myself "move as you wish", giving myself permission to move freely and to give my body what it needs. And I kinda do the same before I start working on a new art piece. Before I begin a new drawing I usually tell myself something like "do as you wish", "take what you need", "express whatever needs to be expressed". That way I'm giving myself a permission to create anyway I want to and to be myself, no expectations to fulfill, no roles to play, nothing to prove, nothing to gain. I let my intuition guide me and I allow myself to be fully present and immersed into creative process. I let my creative energy flow freely and I'm willing to accept anything that comes out of that process. I'm not always satisfied with the results, I don't always like my finished drawings, (or to be more accurate me as an artist who does have expectations on what "good art" should look like can be unsatisfied with the results) but it's ok, I'm willing to accept that it's all just part of the process, I don't beat myself over it and simply move on. I think that's why I'm able to be pretty prolific and not experience any artist's blocks.

But it did took me some time to come to a place of allowing myself to just be me and create freely. And, of course when I'm working on a commission and have specific guidelines my approach is slightly different and not as free or uninhibited as my personal work but even working with some restrictions is ok knowing that in my personal work I can express myselfas I wish and through that creative process give myself whatever I need to stay energized, healthy and happy, both emotionally and mentally.

This drawing was inspired by a dream I had. In my dream I saw many horses on the meadow peacefully grazing. Then in one moment, out of nowhere some of the horses turned into unicorns. Right after that some of the unicorns transformed into Pegasuses and flew away.

Very often I catch myself thinking why I create the type of art I do: abstract, non-figurative art based on patterns, colorful textures and hand drawn geometric shapes. I could say I love making patterns because I love repetition and my creative process can often feel relaxing, even meditating. Also one of the reasons I enjoy repetition is interest in improving my drawing skills, my craft and by practicing daily I can definitely notice slow but certain improvement. But those are not the main reasons why I'm compelled to create the kind of art I do. I think the main reason why I make colorful abstract patterns and compositions is my deep, insatiable desire for beauty.Recently I was browsing though an online portfolio of a young photographer whose work deals with expression of intense emotions and sexuality. While the photos looked interesting I thought to myself "I could never make work like this". It's not because I'm not capable of expressing strong emotions or because I have issues with sexuality, it is because none of the images looked beautiful to me. They looked intense, genuine, powerful, provoking, interesting, expressive, original... all of which is great but they just didn't seem beautiful to me. I know that beauty is very subjective and that those images might appear beautiful to someone else but even though I did like looking at them and I understand importance of such work, I failed to find beauty in them.

And I crave beauty, or at least what I consider beautiful (and what is sometimes traditionally considered beautiful in art): appealing color combinations, balanced compositions, all elements of art piece working in harmony with each other to produce a perfect whole. Making the kind of work I do helps me explore all that, I can play with colors and messy ink textures and try to balance them out with more precisely drawn patterns and shapes to get satisfying and harmonious compositions. I am aware that can seem a little superficial to someone who believes art should always carry a message, tell an important story or express deep emotions. My work doesn't tell a story and it can come across as detached, even impersonal or non-intimate but that's perfectly fine with me. I create from place of deep love for beauty and endless curiosity about how to express it though very limited and basic vocabulary of simple shapes and patters and delicious, sensual, vibrant colors. My creative process is also a learning process that helps me understand how to create order and balance not only in art but, in my own mind and my own being as well.

To be honest, I think there is also a deeper, personal reason why I feel need to make beautiful abstract compositions. Throughout my life I've been exposed to many intense, difficult situations and experienced a lot of emotional turmoil so that's the last thing I want to be dealing with in my art. While expressing deep emotions (especially in a self-confessional way) can be very cathartic and therapeutic to some, it never helped me, quite contrary it only made me feel worse. But, I realized that trying to create beauty and balance in my art is very healing and makes me feel much better and rejuvenates my soul. It's soothing and calming and, as if by creating beauty and order in my artwork I'm also rediscovering beauty and strength in my own inner being and if I've learned anything by creating the type of art I do is to never underestimate the healing power of beauty.