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Saturday, November 24, 2012

Bring it back to center.

Sometimes it's PMS. Sometimes it's a really tough day with challenges that throws your schedule out the window. Sometimes it's a spouse or partner that just doesn't "get it" today. Maybe you feel like the day in out of sync. Or that things are popping up that really pull rank over the leisurely things. It's just one of those days. I just feel empty and busy and drained. And kinda sad. I don't know why really. Reminds me of those damn postpartum times of just feeling boo. The grey day threatening to drizzle adds weight to this feeling I'm sure. I'd rather it just rain because it's that gloomy gross almost rainy day that bugs me. Not really even the rain itself. On days like today I can't just curl up in bed and read a book. In fact, I am supposed to be addressing packages to go out today but I am writing this. I am looking at them. Right there. Almost done. And I needed a break for my brain. I will finish them after.

I wonder how many people get the moody blues this time of year. I sat and though about this for a bit today while I worked in my shop. I know some amazing people who have had some really super serious reasons to feel down. And then, I remember what I used to do. In fact, I did it just a couple weeks ago when I needed to recalibrate my attitude. This may seem odd to some but it reminds me where I am and what I need. Every time.

I have a very special friend I visit when I can, when I am sad. She is small. Four years young forever in fact. When I feel like life is just too heavy and I am ready to break because I am only human and flesh and bones and feelings. I go sit by her. She has an incredible view of the city. The trees this time of year are on fire or mostly naked by now. Some days it's foggy and the buildings look all sleepy hallow with the evergreens poking up here and there. The scene is so calm. And peaceful. It forces me to think. There is literally nothing else to do there. Ok, cry. That is the perfect place for a really good cry actually. But looking out an enormous window over rolling hills and golden, red and naked trees, is the best thinking spot I have ever found. I remember what she taught me about myself years and years ago. Almost always, I am strong for everyone else I love. I am strong because I feel like that is what I am supposed to do and who I am supposed to be. The daily grind, the work, the balance of all peace in my household universe. I take in onto me. And then sometimes, it's too much. I and I break. And I am embarrassed. And I need my space. So, when I go sit and think I give myself pats on the back for my little victories in life and pretend like she is praising me for all my hard work. It's pep talks with myself like a crazy person but damnit it works. I'd like to think I do a really good job of compartmentalizing the things I cannot change, keeping myself together in tragic times, and not coming completely unglued in times of mourning. If I sat and reveled in all the things that could make me sad I would drown in tears. Everyone has a pile like that. Of the woe-is-me stuff that if really dwelled upon could just bury someone. Pretty creepy I guess, now that I read it back to myself. I go to the saddest place I have to count up all the things that make me happy, to cheer myself up. Hmmmm. When the doldrums hit, which they do. And you feel down, which everyone does. And you feel like life is taking a colossal shit on you, which it can. Maybe this method will work for you ( maybe not in a cemetery but eh, what ev) . Count everything that doesn't suck as a little victory. Even just getting out of bed and making coffee. Not putting your shirt on backwards, I don't know, just all the little stuff. It can all add up to make you feel less like life is so rough.

Most of the times I go up there I really itemize my life and leave feeling like my mood was so stupid and I am just being and ungrateful asshole because, geez what a good life I've got here. And then I go home and usually no one knows where I was or what I was doing but they are happy that Mommy isn't being a jerk anymore.

i like that with all the fluff of the 'bloggy' world and the silly and repetitive DIY, you stay real. we all have our shitty days; its nice to know that we are not alone and that its normal to not be normal. haha!