Can one columnist set a Guinness world record? Help us start counting!

In every battlefield where shots are fired at a target, some poor sod who is standing to the side minding his own business will sometimes have to take a hit – whether intentionally sent his way or not. This is no less so when it’s DCG who’s lining up the cross-hairs. Let’s see who earned the dubious honour of getting insulted in the context of an insult on somebody else:

Roberto Benigni:

“…that skinny little Italian court jester with the ‘I trip and you laugh’ sense of humour – leaves me stone cold except for the overwhelming desire to get on a steam-roller and mow him flat.” (‘Toni wants to sell pistachios – Running Commentary 03/05/08 )

You would normally need to be a B-52 fighter-pilot or somebody who pushes buttons on devices of mass destruction with four-letter acronyms to be able to target, effectively and offensively, more than 100,000 people. But you could also be a columnist with well-defined andexplicit views:

“…47% of the population will vote for the Labour Party even if it is swimming in a slew of ineptitude, violence and corruption. They will vote for the party if it is led by a one-eyed talking monkey wearing a suit.” (‘Call centres and think-tanks’ – TMID 20 April 2008 )

Every society invariably has it collection of prophets who preach in the desert, men and women whom society places on the fringe, and who earn themselves equally distasteful epithets of eccentrics or loonies. These men are kept an integral part with the rest of us by only two ubiquitous and truly egalitarian forces: the rain, and Daphne Caruana Galizia’s pen:

On Emmy Bezzina:

“Maltese political life is charmingly littered with individuals whom I can most tactfully describe as interestingly different.” (‘A third-person eulogy by Emmy tal-Moonies’)

“He has no credibility at all. He’s the equivalent of a circus act.” (‘What a shame that the divorce debate is associated with this man’ – Running Commentary 02/04/08 )

It sounds like a philosophical question with no possible answer, but if the wonders of our new world have shown us anything, it’s that with some technology, people who click in enough and goodwill, everything is possible.

So to kick off this experiment, we’ve identified the following essentials:

the subject of the experiment: a columnist

the object: insults

And that’s basically it.

So being Maltese, we’ve chosen one outstanding columnist where this object is concerned: Daphne Caruana Galizia. You can read her thoughts on her own blog at http://www.daphnecaruanagalizia.com and get a measure of her for yourselves. There’s high expectation that she’ll provide plenty of insults to fuel this blog.

The result should be a long, witty and amusing compendium of insults that she’s dished out over the years.

The idea’s pretty simple. D’you know Wikipedia, the wonderful online encyclopaedia that’s compiled by its users who input, amend and debate on the content of articles?

Well, we’re a few galaxies behind that, but we figure that can copy the approach successfully.

What we’re gonna do is we’ll keep coming up with different categories of DCG’s insults depending on the themes she’s tackling (so Ex. there may be a category called ‘Animal Kingdom’ where she compares somebody to a monkey, snake etc.) so we have an intelligible list.

What you’re gonna do is, you’ll write in a post under ‘comments’ on the entry called ‘Flag an Insult!’ in the category by the same name, and if it’s a valid insult we’ll put it away in the right category. Easy-peasy.

Except of course there are lots of rules. These are the rules for a valid insult entry, in the numbered list style that we love:

The insult submitted must have originated from Daphne Caruana Galizia;

The insult submitted must have been printed and published somewhere (newspapers, magazines, blogs);

The insult submitted must be referenced (date, time and page of newspaper article or link to blog entry) and verifiable (i.e. if a comment of hers in a blog gets deleted, it can’t be submitted – sorry!)(on the other hand, past insults are valid even if they date back by quite a few years);

The insult submitted should be capable of giving offence – ones which are not clearly so will be placed in a category for debate to be decided by the users (okay, this a tricky one, that’s why we use ‘should’ – chances are that some insults will be too subtle to put one’s finger on, will be dripping heavily in sarcasm, will be veiled or will be too mild to offend the recipient – these will need sorting)

Maybe not lots of rules, but four’s a good number to start with. Get posting!

Or else you’re going to waste a lot of our time in deleting your comments! Because you’ll probably stumble on the ‘Flag and Insult’ post and think this is yet another I-hate-Daphne corner of cyberspace.

Not so.

Go read what this blog is about in the ‘What da hell’ category but in the meantime, here are the rules for this blog:

Thou shalt not mention DCG disparagingly. Seriously. There are onsite filters to catch any rude language you use anyhow, but that’s beside the point. The first golden rule is DO NOT IN ANY MANNER WHATSOEVER INSULT DAPHNE CARUANA GALIZIA.

If you break rule 1, your comments will just be deleted asap and you’ll get banned. So there.

We’re not really interested in your opinions about DCG, (it’s your flagging of her insults that’s the whole point) so don’t waste time telling everyone what a pain she is. If you’re into that stuff, go to her own blog and write to her directly.

If you’ve been personally and individually insulted by DCG however, then please do point that out. You won’t win any freebies or stuff like that, but we might have a little special corner for victims of repeat insults. If you’re also a renowned columnist like her, that’s extra kudos for you! We’ll probably be keeping a ‘Top Insulted’ parade to check whom she’s insulted most frequently, too.

Don’t send any links of the university debate where DCG’s son spoke to the camera. Or anything else he says or does for that matter. He’s a different person entirely and answers for his own actions. Maybe one day somebody will start off a blog about his words, but we’re not interested.

We can’t think of a sixth rule – so don’t give us ideas, please. We hate rules actually, and would liek to have as few as possible.

As the Maltese are a highly well-dressed bunch and expect the same rigour from their elected representatives and their cronies, DCG never turns a blind eye to what her subjects are wearing…

On Jason Micallef:

“I’ve noticed from my incessant viewing of political television at the moment that Jason ‘Robin’ Micallef likes to match his shoes to his tie, rather than to his trousers. I spent a very painful 20 minutes watching him in conversation with one of the Misses Dalli, legs crossed, dark suit, dark socks (fortunately not white) and light brown walking-shoes toning with his light brown tie. Hideous.” (TMI 02/03/08 http://www.independent.com.mt/news.asp?newsitemid=65892 )

“…he was wearing those brown casual shoes again with his dark suit – only this time they weren’t even matched to his tie. Will somebody please buy the man a pair of formal black leather lace-ups, please?” (‘Anna Mallia reminds them about computer malfunctions’ – Running Commentary 15/03/08 )

“Jason, read my lips. Men wear dark suits to funerals – especially to state funerals, when they are there in an official role.” (Please get this man a valet – Running Commentary 03/05/08 )

On Joseph Muscat:

“…now here’s Metrosexual 1, strapping his watch over his cuff and wearing a chav bracelet on his right wrist. Well, what can I say? It would have to be a Labour leader to do something like that.” (‘Metrosexual 1 wears his watch over his cuff’ – Running Commentary 28/03/08 )

“…Joseph Muscat, obviously thinking he’s hip and that he’s rocking an edgy look… Dressing inappropriately…remains atrocious manners… it doesn’t reveal your significance and importance, but your lack of good breeding…he’s gone for an open-necked shirt. Fine, but he needs to be told how to wear it…you pulled out what you thought was a suit at 6am when you couldn’t see straight. As for those brown shoes – oh God. Oh God. Oh God again. What is it with Joseph and Jason and their brown shoes? There is one very important reason, apart from the dictates of style and the male sartorial code, why you should never wear brown shoes with black trousers especially if you have short legs: they make your legs look even shorter. Black shoes with black trousers create an uninterrupted visual line from hip to toe. Brown shoes with black trousers chop your legs off at the ankle and emphasise their lack of length.” (‘May Day Fashion Parade’ – Running Commentary 5 May 2008 )

“‘an old person’… who is dripping in hair-wax and keen to be thought of as hip or wicked (though he would say cool), is not going to persuade anyone to vote Labour. Both the boys and the girls will think of him as some kind of perv who is trying to pick them up.”

“Mr Greaseball… You can see where this man is coming from: success = money (and a snazzy electric-blue two-seater convertible with a SIL number-plate). I hate to be nasty, (sic – Ahem!) but somebody should tell Silvio Parnis that no matter how much money he makes and how many old ladies he sucks up to, he’s going to stay working-class until the lid is nailed down on his coffin. And probably even after that, because I can just picture him getting some metallic spoilers for his heavenly wings and a couple of strategic zips for his heavenly frock, though where he will get hair-wax in the celestial hereafter is quite beyond me.” (‘Supermodel Silvio gives up on the old ladies’ – Running Commentary 18 April 2008 )

On Marie-Louise Coleiro Preca:

“…we have Marie Louise Coleiro Preca, wearing a cheap black trouser-suit from the 1980s – totally out of fashion, devoid of style and completely unflattering – with a red scoop-neck top that doesn’t exactly harmonise with her jacket-lapels (pavri), nothing round her neck, and what appear to be flip-flops. She’s on the short side, so they might very well have a heel attached, in which case we will have to call them thong-sandals. Whatever they are, they are completely unsuitable because (1) they don’t chime with the 1980s suit and (2) bare toes at a May Day parade are a no-no for somebody seeking to become party leader and prime minister.” (‘May Day Fashion Parade’ – Running Commentary 5 May 2008 )

On Evarist Bartolo:

“…what is he? Tal-Muzew? All he needs is one of those little badges at his neck and we’ll all start snatching our children away from him… here he is, dressed as a priest or some kind of lay religious person in at least three shades of black and charcoal. What a mess.”(‘May Day Fashion Parade’ – Running Commentary 5 May 2008 )

Okay, this may well end up being the richest list of them all, because it deals with insults directed at Malta’s former Public Enemy Number 1, though of course he’ll be replaced by some other poor soul the minute the MLP general conference elects its new leader. In the meantime, you’ll understand the title of this post once you read the connection DCG makes between the two in the new post; although it’s debatable whether this actually qualifies as an insult. After all, there are many times more computer game fans out in the world than the 300,000 or so people who don’t vote for AN or AD…

On Alfred Sant:

“The Internet is rife with forums made up of people who are living in a parallel universe, and who use pseudonyms that indicate they have created a “computer games” world for themselves, a virtual world in which they are the dark version of superheroes, plotting global domination from the safety of their underground bunkers, emerging only to buy supplies in their Batmobile with wings. I’m beginning to think that Labour’s leader is one of these, though he doesn’t understand computers and thinks that things slip out of them and into electoral manifestos…” (TMI 02/03/08 http://www.independent.com.mt/news.asp?newsitemid=65892 )

“Alfred Sant, like his Labour predecessors, knows only how to wreck and pillage.”

Anyone searching DCG’s posts in the past weeks is bound to find a load of insults against Alternattiva Demokratika (the Green party), its chairman Harry Vassallo and its candidates, and of course, anyobody with a vote in hand who thought even for a second of giving them the first-preference vote. Her reasons for doing so are beyond the interest of this blog (and self-evident, anyhow) so instead of pondering the why we’ll stick with our business: listing the juicy what:

On people who vote AD:

“…we will be wondering at theirresponsible vindictiveness of those who are prepared to sacrifice the national interest to their own limited interest…” (TMI 02/03/08 )

On Harry Vassallo:

“Harry, I’m afraid you were (a snob) , are and will forever be one, and that’s the main source of your problems: the combination of a superiority complex with an absence of skill, talent and ability-“

You can’t insult a leader without having something to say about his lieutenants, and the MLP candidates and party officials are necessarily a target for DCG’s wit. Let’s try and put together a few of the finer examples:

“The last thing a political party needs is a new leader who is a known and disliked face already. People fall into the trap of mentioning such contenders for the leadership, but they really are non-starters. Joseph Muscat? Evarist Bartolo? Marie Louise Coleiro? Anglu Farrugia?” (’Pariahs and outcasts’ – Running Commentary 16/03/08 )

“…a twerpy Poodle as leader and a collection of freak officials and candidates along the lines of Victorian bearded ladies and elephant men…” (‘The Malta Opposition Party (MOP) – just three electoral majorities in 51 years’ – Running Commentary 8/04/08 )

“The other contenders (sic- not JM) are not disturbing in this way; they are simply hopeless and inept… They just come across as chancers who are trying their luck but who have no real hope of getting anywhere.” (‘Call-centres and think-tanks’ – TMID 20 April 2008 )

“And to think that 140,000+ people voted for this bunch of no-hopers to run the country. Dear God, what a narrow escape we had.” (‘Toni wants to sell pistachios – Running Commentary 03/05/08 )

On Joseph Muscat:

“The boy from Burmarrad (nothing wrong there, but you get my drift)…”

“…complete non-starters like that twerp Joseph Muscat, who together with Jason Micallef makes a matching pair of book-ends – the one with brains, the one without, but otherwise identical. Joseph Muscat was and is Sant’s poodle, so much so that he married Sant’s personal assistant Michelle…” (’Allahares-jitla-l-Lejber names the Big Day’ – Running Commentary 20/03/08 )

“-is Labour really so partial to w****rs? Joseph Muscat is just Jason with (some) brains: a rather shallow chap who cosied up to the lonely and insecure boss…Never trust a man with a goatee, they say…This fool has a lot to learn before he ‘hits the ground running.’… He’s a kid with pretensions.“ (’Another prat: it’s Jason but with some brains’ – Running Commentary 25/03/08 )

“…a 34-year-old who models himself on David Beckham, and with all the depth of a puddle in my backyard…” (TMID 27/03/08 )

“…he’s the sort who would probably side with Mugabe…” (‘Alfred Sant got his election slogan from Zimbabwe’ – Running Commentary 02/04/08 )

“…the future leader is a ridiculous, jumped-up twerp…” (The future of Malta is in his hands’ – Running Commentary 8/04/08 )

“He is disturbing… We know that there’s something wrong there, but we just can’t put our finger on it yet. (sic – The other contenders) are not driven in that frightening way that convinces one they have some personal project in mind and are going to claw their way to the top to implement it at whatever cost to the country.” (‘Call-centres and think-tanks’ – TMID 20 April 2008 )

“…the man is worryingly shallow and self-satisfied, and that his smile is more of a disconcerting nervous twitch that doesn’t reach his eyes.” (‘Giving people what they don’t want’ – TMID 18 April 2008 )

On Jason Micallef:

“…the man doesn’t have two brain-cells to rattle together. And he has absolutely no idea how to behave, what attitude to take with people, or even how to reply to question…” (’Xarabank’ – Running Commentary 15/03/08 )

“…he comes across as the sort who doesn’t even know where/what Zimbabwe is. Zimbabwe? Is that a new kind of hair gel?” (‘Alfred Sant got his election slogan from Zimbabwe’ – Running Commentary 02/04/08 )

On Toni Abela:

“Toni Abela – that buffoon who tries to entertain people with his farcical performances on Super One, but who instead makes us cry in despair…”(‘Look what the cat’s dragged in’- Running Commentary 02/04/08 )

“You don’t have to be in parliament to change the world, he told Malta Today, citing the example of Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King. Well, what a t**ser.”

·“The man’s embarrassing, but what is even more cringe-making than his idiotic utterances is Malta Today’s description of him as: A freethinking intellectual with a pugnacious sense of humour, a prolific writer and an orator of no mean thespian skill…How about crass sense of humour? And he is a prolific writer, yes – of vulgar innuendos and inane articles for L-orizzont… whenever I see him hard at work on Super One, I always think how well he would have done in one of those touring circuses that put on miracle plays for the peasants in the Middle Ages…” (‘Toni wants to sell pistachios – Running Commentary 03/05/08 )

“You’re an embarrassment to yourself and even more of an embarrassment to the Labour Party.”

“…another Mintoff/Karmenu clone, but without the right stuff between the ears.” (The future of Malta is in his hands’ – Running Commentary 8/04/08 )

“That’s the trouble with people like Dr Farrugia. They don’t seem to understand that the most common reaction they provoke is a deep sigh of exasperation. They see themselves as campaigners for right and reason, when really they are no more than exasperating circus acts.” (Let’s not argue about this one too – Running Commentary 04/05/08 )

On Evarist Bartolo:

“Maria l-Maws puts me in mind of a nun without a habit and wimple – not a priest, but a nun. It could have something to do with that deliberately low, monotonous, faux-gentle tone, which some nuns are excellent at using for the delivery of menacing words. It could be because if you were to wrap a wimple round his head he would pass muster as Sister Evarist…”

“He sits … wearing the sort of scornful and contemptuous expression usually seen on old ladies watching a girl go by in skimpy shorts.” (‘Maria l-Maws puts on a show’ – Running Commentary 19 April 2008 )

On Silvio Parnis:

“Silvio has come up with a new strategy for selling the Labour Party … It’s called paedophile politics.”

“Any young person who tries to proselytize for politics or religion in the schoolyard will be classified as (1) a nerd, (2) nuts, (3) a perv, (4) the smelly bearer of dandruff, or (4) to be avoided at all costs. I wonder if that’s what happened to Silvio while he was growing up. That would explain a lot.” (‘Supermodel Silvio gives up on the old ladies’ – Running Commentary 18 April 2008 )