January Jones bitches about bitches. Kate Gosselin's marriage counselor is suing her. Paz de la Huerta bounces back from beating up a reality star. JWoww wants to have babies. TGIFriday gossip.

Asked about an old quote on the "bitches in high school who said I wasn't pretty," January Jones pulled a bitch move of her own: "Where are you getting this shit? It sounds like something I might have said when I was, like, 15. The bitches in high school were bitches because I was pretty." These two quotes are a case study on linguistic role of "bitch": The first usage is classical bitch, accusing the object (high school bitches) of catty cruelty and positioning the speaker as a victim. The second usage is a nouveau "bitch"—invented by Paris Hilton and perfected by Regina George—announcing the speaker as the alpha valley girl, and the object as her subordinate. (See also: You're my bitch and the more passive-aggressive What's up, bitch?) But wait! You can't judge January by her interviews, because she is two steps ahead of everyone: "When I talk about myself, half the time I'm lying… I do it because I'm bored… I'm in my own head. I'm doing things. Keeping things interesting." Methinks the lady doth bitch too much. [Marie Claire, Celebitchy, image via Getty]

Charlie Sheen wants Mila Kunis to be his next "goddess": "Here's the good news—my goddesses have already fucking approved her. She's pre-approved!" Mila was last seen at the LAPD, getting a restraining order. [Radar]

The cast of Twilight: Breaking Dawn skypes with the cast of American Idol, because actress Nikki Reed is dating contestant Paul McDonald. Teen girls everywhere sympathize; they, too, have attended slumber parties where everyone crowds around the telephone to call the other slumber party, the one where all the boys are, to flirt and giggle madly. [E!]

Speaking of Twilight, neurotic messRob Pattinson is working on revenge fantasies to enact during his washed-up trainwreck phrase, "when the whole thing dries up and there's hardly any paparazzi around, I don't know, in 15 years or something, I like the idea of just one paparazzo coming out and trying to get a picture, and I just beat the shit out of him… and I've spent all my money, so you can sue me." [Elle, Popsugar]

Karina Smirnoff could get kicked off Dancing with the Stars for posing naked in May's Playboy. It was inevitable. After all those years of dancing with the stars, Karina just wanted to be a star—and what better way to make that happen than taking her clothes off? Worked for Kim Kardashian. [Popeater, Us]

Teen-seducing Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez continues to like his ladies young-looking. Apparently he has his eye on Hayden Panettiere, who is dating Ukranian heavyweight boxer Wladimir Klitschko. Hayden's relationship with Wladimir has always confounded me. Could it possibly be real? And if not, what's in it for her? [P6]

After her arrest for beating up an MTV reality star, perma-drunk actress Paz de la Huerta landed a fancy new modeling contract. Trainwreck starlets are a dime a dozen, but trainwreck catfighting starlets? Special. [P6]

Kate Gosselin's marriage counselor is suing her for $10,000 in unpaid counseling fees. She should get extra pay for working in an active war zone. Then again, she not only failed to save the Gosselin marriage, but violated her oath as a doctor to "do not harm" when she allowed the gel-haired terror that is Jon Gosselin to become an eligible bachelor again. [Radar]

JWoww wants to "settle down and have kids within the next couple of years, maybe even the beginning of next year." She adds that she will stop going to the Jersey Shore in the next few years, too, because everyone knows the most baby-friendly bars are in the Park Slope. [Life & Style]