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Friday, August 23, 2013

Ever since
Salman Khan declared, “tere se chatting
karne ki khaatir internet lagwaunga main”, nabbey-parteeshat-bhaarteeya decided to buy themselves smartphones
with internet connections and installed WhatsApp to follow in his footsteps. A
handful of these users have started mistaking the application for a social
networking platform and it is about time that someone gives them a step-by-step
guide on socially acceptable methods of WhatsApp use.

You can tell a
lot about a person from his WhatsApp status message. A person with the status
“at work”, “in a meeting” or “urgent calls only” will mostly be unemployed. No
one with an actual job has the time to put these words up for everyone to see.
Actual office goers do better things in life like scrolling through their WhatsApp
contact list to zoom in on profile pictures of random people and checking the
“last seen at” time of people who haven’t yet replied to their messages. The
pseudo-work guy will be close friends with a person who puts up his status as “at
the gym” and also has a picture of himself flexing his left bicep into a full
wall mirror, clicking a self shot from his phone using his right hand. This
person has a brain equivalent of a pre-Jadoo Hrithik Roshan from Koii Mil Gaya,
which is also reflected in his creepy smile and the way he spells “Koii” with
two i’s.

You can observe
a minute’s silence for people who put up their status as “battery about to die”.
They clearly need a counseling session on prioritizing life decisions because
setting one’s status to inform the world that your phone is about to die over
just keeping it aside and saving on some battery life is the decisional
equivalent of coming out with a movie like Chennai Express after RaOne. I also
give my heartfelt condolences to those who care to set their status as
“sleeping”. This is only to make them believe that the reason why no one texted
them while they were asleep was because people cared to read the status
message.

Beware the
person whose status message says “available”. More often than not, it’ll be a
dude who thinks it refers to “relationship status” and also finds it funny to
write “everyday” in front of the sex column in any form. Don’t fret over his
existence. There’s a high chance that he’ll apply for the next season of
Roadies and get his butt cheeks smacked on national television.

You will never
see anyone with the status “at the movies” because the movies are not Indira
Gandhi International Airport Terminal 3, where no one will ever forget to
update his status across all online social networking platforms. And, you will
almost always see some people with the status “Hey there! I am using WhatsApp.”
Trust me when I say that even if he’s Punjabi, he’s not showing off; he’s just
busy doing more important shit in life than updating a status message that no
one gives a shit about.

The feature that
defines your existence better than a status message is your WhatsApp profile
picture. The reason why this is such an important part of your WhatsApp
experience is because facebook birthday photo dedications for friends are
passé; the world has moved on to WhatsApp. You are expected to change your
WhatsApp picture to one with your sister on Raksha Bandhan, with your mum on
Mother’s Day and to a “Keep Calm and Drink Beer” on other days. No, don’t care
for if your boss has your number on his phone and he might see it. He didn’t
even put up a picture with his wife on his marriage anniversary. What does he
know about WhatsApp etiquette!

WhatsApp also offers
you eight hundred and fifty emoticons to express yourself. It includes more
than twelve types of hearts because obviously, how else will you tell a girl
that “tune mere dil mein itne rang khila
diye”. With eighteen different hand gestures yet not even one to give
someone the finger, the sole purpose of these emoji is to make you forward one
joke that creatively uses the hand gestures to depict the whole human birth
cycle. The remaining eight hundred something emoticons each represent the
number of times your smartphone will hang in a day because of low internal
memory.

I could go on
and on about this marvelous phone application, which has such useful functions
like “group chat”, “broadcasts”, “voice notes” and sending someone your
“location” on a map. I mean how else would you be able to discuss everything
but anything remotely connected to the topic for which you create a group chat?
How else would you tell someone that you’re “out of station” without sending
them your location on a map? How else would you be able to send “I love you”
messages in your own voice to your better half and then complain about your
voice sounding ridiculous on being recorded? Oh my God, this app is so useful,
I wish Rahul Gandhi would download it to his phone and let it do so much on his
behalf!

And just in case
you didn’t already know, this blog post has been written by Jimmy Watson, CEO
of WhatsApp, who says that you have to forward this to a minimum of ten people
on your WhatsApp list after which you will be registered as a frequent user and
the green symbol will turn to red. If you fail to do so, it will be assumed
that you are not a frequent user and your services will be terminated. This is
not a hoax!

Saturday, August 10, 2013

It only
takes hearing your dad say, “bas, badhiya
sab” multiple times on the phone for you to know that it’s an unsafe time
for you to move out of the comfort of your room. But no; you will stroll
outside with your brain in switched off mode, right into the middle of a
sentence that sounds like, “yeh lo,
*insert your name here* se baat karo”. Follow that with a game of charades
with hand gestures asking for who it is, lip movements telling you that it’s
some relative you don’t give two hoots about and then a thirty second eye-expression
marathon which says, “what in frig do I talk to her about” and “shut up and
take the phone right now; she’s on hold”.

If
you have to start a phone conversation with “Namaste”, you are most likely talking
to one of your parents’ cousins, whom you meet only at weddings. The fate of
the conversation is as predictable as the statement, “haaye, itna bada ho gaya!” being the first thing said to you every time
that you meet them. It will always take the course of you being asked a number
of questions, the only reply to all of them being various combinations of the
words “bas, sab badhiya”. For
example:

By
this time, you begin to wonder how difficult it is for someone to understand
the scope and extent of the word “sab”,
and a full moment of awkward silence to say that sentence in your head follows.
This is time for you to take a deep breath and prepare yourself for the
innumerable times you will then have to say “haanji” while the lady talks about a time in the seventies when she
would get to meet all her cousins every week and now no one has the time to
visit anyone.

The
pauses act like little cues for you to fill in the “haanji”. There is no way for you to make them understand that the
respectful yesmanship does not signify approval and willingness to hear more,
but just the fact that you’ve heard all of it innumerable times already. The
only way to make the conversation interesting is to replace “haanji” with “bilkul”. Also, using both the words together as “haanji bilkul” brings in a little more
variety, making you sound like less of a repetitive idiot in front of your dad
sitting beside you.

While
you move around the house trying to look for your younger sibling whom you can
pass on the phone to, like the father passed it on to you; run a few more laps
of the relay race conversation which again steers towards “aur bata, sab badhiya?” I mean, in which part of the world do
people use the word “sab” in a conversation to refer to a C-grade Hindi channel
that telecasts ridiculous shows with names like “Taarak Mehta ka Oolta Chashma”.
The return of the question makes absolutely no sense because the only reply you
will have to it is a “haanji, sab badhiya”.
The very fact that you could not start the conversation with your usual “Yo,
what’s up?” or “Wazza suckaaaa!” is enough evidence that you will have zilch to
contribute towards the dialogue.

You
realize that your sibling is in the washroom and the only way to survive the
conversation is to look for your mum and bear a few more “aur bata’s” with hurried “hmm’s”. You should know that you have to
find your mum right in time before you are expected to reply to something on
the lines of “chachi/mami/bua se milne
bhi aa ja kabhi… ab toh khud bhi aa sakta hai… pehle toh chhota tha…” so
that you can be quick to pronounce “yeh
lo, mumma se baat karo”, play a little game of charades with your mum, look
at her scrunch up her nose and then put the phone to her ear.

Friday, August 2, 2013

The
Punjabi music industry has grown so tremendously over the past one decade that the
only legit way to acknowledge its magnificence is to introduce a Four Year
Undergraduate Program called Chhadeyan
Punjabi Gaane Vich (translation: Bachelors in Punjabi Music) at the
prestigious University of Delhi. The idea may seem ridiculous to most of you,
but trust the University to implement it if it receives an application. For all
those who have already graduated and are happy to have studied at the University
when the course structures actually made sense, here’s a chance to do a crash
course on How to Write a Punjabi Song.

*dhol-roll*

Say
your own name at least 5 times

The
reason why you need to do this is because people get really drunk at parties
and as a Punjabi singer you want to help them claim that they’re not drunk
enough to not be able to tell who the singer is. There are some anti-Punjabists
who might tell you that nothing screams indulgence in self-pleasure as much as
having to say your own name aloud again and again. They will tell you that it’s
creepy when you say the names of two dudes in the same breath. But haters gonna hate! The reason why Jay Sean and Juggy D are so popular is
because they go a step ahead and also say the name of their music producer,
Rishi Rich. These Hindi song-walas are just jealous because no one shouts “Anu
Malik” or “Pritom” in a Bollywood song.

Tip:
It’ll be better if you also change your name to something that has the
letter-Z. For example: Jaz Dhami, Jazzy B and Taz.

Heeriye,
Soniye, Kudiye, Mutiyaare, Patakhe, Laila, Gurrrl

Include
at least two of the above mentioned words to refer to the ladies. It just
doesn’t stop there. Punjabi lyricism gives you enough freedom to get as
creative as possible and objectify women by calling them whatever you want.
Once you get some practice, adjectives like “nasal di gori aah… ganne
di porri aaah” and “mitraan di hoe” will come naturally to you. You
can also try using “marjaani” and “khasma nu khaani”, which are
both extremely popular. And if you’re one who likes showering your girlfriend
with beautiful compliments, try taking inspiration from “kudi bann gayi
beauty queen la la body butter caream.”

Tip:
Who the bloodynonsenseteach you girl-girl? It is gurrrrl.

Vodka,
Daaru, Dope, Beer, Botal, Neat

Punjabi
music is for times to celebrate, be it a wedding when you go “rum rum rum
rum rum, oh whisky” or a tough heartbreak when you start humming atrocious
lyrics like “upar upar upar, in the air.” Your song should show
self-pride through words like “main sharaabi main sharaabi” even if they
form more than eighty percent of the lyrics. At the same time, you should also
promote responsible drinking through the words “naale thode tikke shikke
tussi kha leya karo” and “khaali tidh liver na saadeya karo”.

Tip:
Rhyme your alcohol and narcotics’ names with made up words starting with “sha”.
For example, “daaru-shaaru” and “dope-shope”.

Chandigarh,
UK

It
doesn’t matter if you’re from Lajpat Nagaror
Hissar; to be a successful Punjabi song writer, you have to know the names of
all the important places in Chandigarh and UK, which are… um, Chandigarh and
UK. You’ll then be able to bring the authentic Punjab spirit to your song. Some
of the greatest songs of our time have lines like “tu Chandigarh tohn aayi
ni” and “jidaan Chandigarh lagda na tere bina dil.” The safest place
to use “UK” is to say it right after you say your name. I promise no one will
doubt it!

Tip:
Patiala is not a place; it is a peg.

Insert
names of at least two luxury brands

Connoisseurs
of style, Punjabis no longer define “bling” as the strip of jewels on Daler
Mehndi’s turban. Also, today’s Punjabi boys know the difference between brand
and brandy. You should try getting used to the fact that “Tommy” is not the
name of a dog; “Bobbi Brown” does not mean that your “Bobby bhaiya/chacha/bua”
is being made fun of by racist whites; and “Pa-rada” is not a brand of “paranda”. Try getting into the mode by listening to “kaali teri Gucci te Prada tera
laal”, “Bobbi Brown da make up laake munde pattdi jaandi hai”, “kudi
da chitta iPhone, laake LA wali tone” and "...shoe teri da, dress teri da, ghadi je paayi Guess teri da."

Tip:
Ed Hardy and Being Human are not luxury brands. Basically, anything that Salman
wears is easily available on the roads, so better avoid ‘em all.

Gaddi,
Jeep, Lamborghini

, Bullt

It
was no miracle that the only Punjabi song to break all records for being used
in a Bollywood movie was “Main nikla gaddi le ke”. However, the most
beautiful use of a car is credited to Imran Khan who made waves with lines like
“ni gaddi saadi bae ja ni jattiye… woofer tu meri meri, main tera amplifyaa
fyaa”. A car is the only object about which you can be realistic in your
lyrics and still be sure of sounding like a badass Gabru, as seen in “pijj
gayi kurti paseene di… chaali degree sidhi dhup paendi… on karaan AC.”

If
you can’t find the proper place to talk about your car in the song, don’t fret.
But you must not forget to show the swankiest of Ferraris and Jaguars in your
music video. Also, the only motorcycle that qualifies to be spoken about is
Bullt.

Tip:
Get your car registered in Uttarakhand. That way, you’ll get a number plate
that says UK.

The Weaponry, the Party and the Gabru

It’s always a good idea to talk about all the pind gang wars that you’ve been a part of. “Hockey, gandaasi, goliyan, bandook and talwar” add the much needed punch to your lyrics. Also, the translation for yo’ nigga in Punjabi is “oye, gabru”.Tip: If all else fails, pick up and translate any 50 Cent song for best results.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

It
only takes paying a little attention to notice that Farhan Akhtar does not
believe in competing with industry moguls like the Khans to march forward in
his Bollywood career. With his little experience in acting and a well chiseled
body, he secretly managed to lay his hands on Priyanka Chopra’s success plan
and there has been no looking back. Growing his hair luxuriously long was one
step, but then no one seemed to notice how while the lady was still in talks
with international music producers and the makers of Mary Kom’s biopic, Junior
Akhtar had already begun to woo the audience with his singing, and played an
Indian athlete on the big screen even before PC could finish saying “Oh,
Shahrukh”. As we see the Ms. World churning out exotic singles and milkshakes,
Farhan sits cozy, enjoying the first mover advantage while continuously
streaming the video of Exotic for the lulz.

For
a nation which has now liberalized its foreign policy and allowed Foreign
Dhamaal Items (FDI) like Sunny Leone into the country, a little bit of teasing
with shots of a lady wearing a nude colored swimsuit and constantly trying to
remove thekachrafrom her hair on Juhu Beach does not
work. I agree that the video has been made for international audiences, but
dressing the singer up as a pokemon with snazzy glares and two neon colored
pokemon balls for a bikini top does not really please the Ash Ketcham
generation of the country which is now in its twenties. Also, you can do all in
the name of fashion, but who walks into a swimming pool wearing a pair of pink
heels!

The
most profound lines of the song are “pardesi babu ne iss desi dil ko maan liya
hai”, which qualify the track to be put on the cover of a Baby Doll Volume
VI along with other songs that define originality like “mera babu chhail
chhabeela main toh naachungi” and “ik pardesi mera dil le gaya”,
thus equating Pitbull with Harry Anand and DJ Suketu. The video is honestly no
different, with not just all therickshaw-walasfinally getting something to move on
to after the album Aap Ka Suroor, but also shows how the creative team behind
the project is competent enough to look at a picture of Professor Snape and
comment, “Iske baal toh Tere Naam wale Salman Khan jaise hain”, and then
laugh for an hour, trying to picture him shake his head vigorously to the tune
ofLagan Lagan Lag Gayi Haiin front of the Pragati Maidan
building.

Ms.
Chopra did try to capitalize on the latest news around her song and applied to
Guinness for being acknowledged with a world record for the video watched most
number of times on mute on YouTube, but they bargained and settled for giving
her the chance to perform the song at the Guinness International Champions Cup.
The muted-video record had to undoubtedly go to the Indian Prime Minister’s
speech addressing the Indian masses, which are now just as over-used and abused
as the Manmohan Singh joke. Also, it makes sense to choose a Pitbull song for
the tournament since he signifies nothing more than a bouncing football in the
video. Win-win!

The
banality of the above description can be either credited to the insignificant
presence of the song which does not offer much to even make fun of, or it just
points to how there are miles to go before I can begin to term any of my
writing as an outcome of creative prowess. I will be humble and accept the
latter, while you can cut me some slack for this uninteresting review on
grounds of sympathy as I had to undergo the ordeal of watching the video five
times to come up with anything around five hundred words to write about it. As
a side-effect, "la-love me all the way to Rio" refuses to get out of
my head now. But I’m happy to believe that somewhere, someone must have really
enjoyed the video, jerked off to it and given birth to a surrogate baby.
Congratulations on the little boy at the age of forty-seven.