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What makes the perfect daughter?

Sandy Smith

Goldie Hawn with daughter Kate Hudson .... "It’s heart-warming to know that all mums really want is for their daughter to lead a happy life.” Photo: Getty

Are you the perfect daughter, the one who speaks to her mother every day, goes for lunch once a week and lets her get involved with your wedding plans? Or the flawed version who forgets her birthday, doesn’t visit and only calls when she wants something? Luckily for all the mothers out there, imperfect daughters are in the minority. A recent UK study of 1000 mothers and 1000 adult daughters to gauge the perfect mother and daughter relationship found that seven out of 10 mothers would describe their relationship with their daughter as "perfect".

So what do all these model daughters do to impress their mothers? Research from gift website Gettingpersonal.co.uk revealed 30 things that make them perfect. These included calling regularly and getting on well with all her mother’s friends as well as telling her mother her problems. She is always available in an emergency, helps with the cooking and cleaning on family occasions, is honest on shopping trips and lends her mother clothes, accessories and make-up.

A spokeswoman for the website said: “Of course there is a special female bond that a mum has with a daughter; this research shows that sharing common interests will help that bond. It’s heart-warming to know that all mums really want is for their daughter to lead a happy life.”

However, not every mother and daughter relationship blossoms. How do mothers and daughters successfully navigate their way from a parent and child relationship to that of parent and grown-up daughter?

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Counsellor and psychotherapist Karen Phillip, who specialises in family relationships, says that when mother and daughter relationships struggle it is most often the fault of the parent.

“Mothers raise their daughters to become strong, independent women,” says Phillip, author of the parenting book Who Runs Your House, The Kids Or You?. “The problem so many experience is when the mother still tries to control the decisions and direction of her child. They tell them what they are doing wrong, try to force them to make different decisions and often judge or say ‘I told you so'. This can make the daughter shut down or deliberately go a different direction as they are often angry at their mum.”

Instead, allow the daughter to find her way and support her when she falls, says Phillip. “Never judge her decision, just ask the important question ‘Did that work for you sweetheart?’ and if the answer is ‘no’ then offer guidance on another way this may have been handled, again without necessarily telling her what she should do.”

Phillip says she has a strong and successful relationship with her own daughter. She believes this is because she always listened to her and allowed to make her own decisions. “I would listen to her feelings without ever telling her they were wrong.”

“My daughter made a comment to me when she was 17 years old and experiencing difficulty with her father in their relationship. She said, ‘the difference between you and dad is that dad loves me if I do, act and feel the way he believes I should. You love me completely unconditionally, no matter what I do or say.’ That sums up a healthy mother, daughter relationship. Confidence in them, space and no judgment.”

In my anecdotal research to discover more about the state of mother-daughter relationships in Australia, I was inundated with positive stories from mothers and daughters highlighting their good relationships.

“My daughter and I have a fabulous relationship,” said 58-year-old Christina Rookes from Sydney. Rookes, who is widowed, has a 29-year-old daughter who lives in Melbourne. She says that both her and and her husband attended and taught parenting classes and learned that children should be given extra responsibilities as they matured.

Rookes recalls the time she realised it was time to let go. “I distinctly remember when my daughter was in Year 12 recognising one day that it was time to allow her to manage her own life. It was a bitter-sweet moment as a mum because it mean’t I had to trust that she was able to make her own important decisions. It was difficult at first not to offer advice but to wait to be asked.”

Rookes says she thinks another key to having a great mother and daughter relationship is the ability to move the relationship from that of parent and child to one of confidante and coach. “You are never truly peers and your relationship shouldn't be like the relationship you have with your girlfriends,” she advises. “I love the fact that we have successfully negotiated the change and now are able to seek input from each other ranging from how an outfit looks through to dating advice. It is a unique, beautiful and very special relationship.”

What do you think makes a strong mother and daughter bond?

9 comments

Presumeably, when the author's daughter said "the difference between you and dad is that dad loves me if I do, act and feel the way he believes I should. You love me completely unconditionally, no matter what I do or say", she explained that it was highly likely her hormonally-charged interpretation was overly emotive, and that her father loves her unconditionally too. Or did she just perpetuate the myth that men are unthinking cavemen incapable of attachment?

Commenter

Hugh Briss

Location

Gold Coast

Date and time

June 25, 2014, 6:52AM

My daughter ran away in year 12 and hasn't spoken to me since. It's been a year since I last saw her and every day my heart breaks. I must be one of those dreadful controlling mothers this article attacks.

Commenter

All Too Hard

Date and time

June 25, 2014, 8:25AM

My mother is exactly what the article described as mother and daughter relationships struggle. My mother always can be judgemental, controlling and never listens. She always asks why do you and I have a good relationship, I am thinking to myself oh I don't know because you're always so judgemental without letting me make decisions and learn from my mistakes? I don't ever want to end up like my mother when I have kids.

Commenter

Frustrated Daughter

Location

Melbourne

Date and time

June 25, 2014, 8:35AM

Sorry, but I don’t buy it. See so many mothers and daughters make this claim. But a little wine and a D&M, and they spill everything about how dysfunctional things really are.

My experience - women who admit their relationships aren’t perfect, have the closest to perfect relationships.

Commenter

Zahra

Location

Sydney

Date and time

June 25, 2014, 9:06AM

What makes the perfect daughter? The perfect mother. Or even a half decent one.

Commenter

BH

Location

Sydney

Date and time

June 25, 2014, 9:08AM

The lessons in this piece apply equally to both parents and children of both sexes.

And it all comes down to one word: Control. Kids fight it but usually lose to it. Teens fight it and fight it and fight it.

To paraphrase from above:

"The problem so many experience is when the parent still tries to control the decisions and direction of their child."

Commenter

Will

Location

Melbourne

Date and time

June 25, 2014, 9:16AM

Misleading article. I believe the title was "What makes a great daughter", not mother-daughter relationships. I am a father of two beautiful daughters and they are eaxh perfect in their own way.

Commenter

andy

Date and time

June 25, 2014, 11:05AM

Learning when to let go and becoming a coach. Great advice which worked well with my daughter, we have a great relationship. But with my son, well another story. His decisions have turned out to be a disaster and I run around picking up the pieces. All my coaching has gone for nothing on him or perhaps one day they'll sink in. Some will say not to pick up the pieces but who else does he have? You can't watch your children drown. I just hope he learns from the mistakes.

Commenter

Gaily

Location

Brisbane

Date and time

June 25, 2014, 12:51PM

Respect is most important. Mutual respect. I have an excellent relationship with my daughter. I like to hang out with her, as much or more than anyone I know, and she feels the same.I respect her, what she thinks, how she feels. She respects me. Enough to ask me what I think of things and to confide in me. With presents, for example, she will actually think about me and what I would like. I do the same for her. I take care to be interested in what she likes and then I try and get something that is her style or that she would be in to.The worst is when your mother doesn't respect you. I feel that my own mother doesn't respect me. I get this feeling because she never seems to be impressed with anything I do. She is always trying to change me. And the presents she gives reflects this. She has never once given me a present that I have liked. That is because when she is thinking about the present, she is not thinking about me, she is thinking about how she would LIKE me to be. So she buys me an Andre Reiu ticket, when I like Nick Cave.Having said that, she is always there for me. Even though she doesn't seem to be very interested in what I am actually like, she is always there. She would do anything for me. I just don't think she likes me very much. But she certainly loves me. So I am very lucky for that. Very lucky indeed. I'm fortunate in that I actually like my daughter. I like her humour, I like her style, I like everything about her. I know my mum doesn't feel the same about me.