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So, Saturday night during a game between the Kansas City Royals and the Pittsburgh Pirates, this happened…

Bruce Chen, who was being interviewed by FOX at the bottom of the 4th, is Panamanian of Chinese descent and a pitcher for the Royals. Humberto Quintero, who was giving the chink-eye, is Venezuelan and catcher for the team. Chen commented on the incident later when he saw the video and didn’t seem bothered by it:

“I’m not offended at all,” Chen insisted. “I’m proud of my heritage and being Asian. I really like the way my eyes look. It makes me look sexy. It’s just joking around. I’m definitely not offended, and I hope other people don’t get offended.

“I don’t think, by any means, was he trying to put my race down. He was doing it to me, and I like the way my eyes look.”

Like us. Love us. After an appropriate amount of time spent getting to know us, hug us, even. (Gingerly though…not too much…one second, one and a half, OMG this is so uncomfortable…okay, that’s enough.)

But please–and by “please” I really mean, for fuck’s sake–don’t show us you care by loving us long time.

If the Asian? Latino? dude in this pic did not exist, it would be necessary to photoshop him

I sat down to write about the fallout that’s ensued since ESPN editor Anthony Federico wrote that “Chink In The Armor” headline a little over a week ago, and I ended up with a bunch of stories about myself. In some ways though, I think these notes better articulate my frustration and anger over many of the conversations that have taken place about Jeremy Lin with regard to race than explicit words to that effect would have. Or maybe I just really like talking about myself.

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For most of my life, I’ve been a sports fan. I was born and raised in Texas, so it was mandatory. More to the point, I was born and raised Chinese American in Texas. I couldn’t look like my peers, I couldn’t be accepted as an equal by many of my peers, but I could root for the same teams as my peers. And somewhere deep down, I probably figured that if I could demonstrate the same devotion to the idols of my peers, they would eventually come around to the idea that I wasn’t all that different from them, and perhaps even accept me as one of their own.

So, I was wrong, apparently? (What an unfamiliar and awful sensation. May it never happen again.) Because Chan Ho Park recently disclosed why he sucked on Opening Day, and it had nothing to do with his missing beard.

Some people think it’s funny–and, in this case, it is very VERY funny–but it’s really rotten and runny and it will eff up your ERA, too.

Oh, Chan Ho Park’s Beard. We hardly knew you. Your life was cut short–no pun intended, this is a eulogy for fuck’s sake–and you did not make it long enough–ahem–to see your first year. But you accomplished great things in the precious little time you were with us. Is it a coincidence that around the time of your birth, The Face That Wore You had one of his best seasons in recent history? We think not. Is it a coincidence that only after you arrived, The Face That Wore You pitched in his first World Series? Nay.

Yet The Face That Wore You never understood your magic. He began to doubt you back in October, when his team lost to The Team That Forbids You. Surely it was then, as he witnessed their beard-murdering faces, one after the other, beating down his tribe with their wood clubs, that he began to plot your end. And later when The Face That Wore You switched allegiances to The Team That Forbids You, he all but signed your death sentence. Is it any wonder that in his first outing without you, victory eluded him? Does The Face That Wore You have any idea that, without you, he’s doomed to failure (in baseball and in hotness)?

There are probably lots of fun things to say about Pete Rose’s Playboy-bound lady friend, who has–without so much as divulging her name–managed to garner press simply by being a boobtastic, young, Asian lady on Ol’ Rose’s arm.

Pete Rose and his boobalicious girlfriend

Hell, the Hit King has already done most of the work for us. Here’s what he said during a radio interview on Houston’s KGOW (via Sports Radio Interviews):

“You know, my girl’s a real educated girl – she graduated from Arizona State. She had a very prestigious job several years ago when she was a flight attendant for Korean Airlines, which is really a big deal in Korea, and she’s Korean. And let’s just hope that the Playboy people like her, and if they don’t, that’s okay too. We’ll just turn the page and thank them for the opportunity.”

[Insert thousands of jokes here]

But to be perfectly honest with you… really, really, really all I can think about are those crazy awesome torpedos busting out of her shirt in the above picture. They keep tossing my head back into the surf of an Internet ocean filled with nonsense. That sea includes PuffyLover.com, a site that celebrates–um– “puffies,” as in–er– “puffy nipples.”

Wishing Johnny Damon a happy birthday is total fucking overkill. We refuse to do it. Here’s why:

Johnny Damon and Joba the Hutt Chamberlain celebrate the New York Yankees’ 27th World Series title

Imagine you’re Johnny Damon. You wake up today, and it’s your 36th birthday. You’re hungover, no, scratch that, you’re still drunk from the night before, because you raged into the wee hours after winning the World Series. Not your first World Series, mind you, but your second…in five years. Would it be gauche to wear both rings at once, you wonder, sleepily, drunkenly, grinning at the irony of your World Series ring won with the Red Sox and your World Series ring won with the Yankees glinting side by side on your knuckles. (You’re pretty stoked that you know what “irony” is, too. Well, sorta, but you wouldn’t want to have to put it in, like, actual words.)

Congratulasians to Hideki Matsui, who was named World Series MVP after the Yankees finished off the Phillies, 7-3, in six Wednesday. Matsui, whose nickname is “Godzilla” in Japan, had a monster night in the Series clincher–he homered, doubled, and singled while tying the record for most RBI (6) in a World Series game. The 35 year-old hit .615 in the Series overall.

Matsui is the first Japanese-born baseball player to receive the Most Valuable Player honor and described Wednesday night as “the best moment of my life right now.” It also may have been his last moment as a Yankee, since he’s reached the end of a four year-contract with the team.

But hey, we’re talking about a dude who’s single-handedly proven to Americans that Asians can bring it on the baseball diamond, small ball can be just as captivating as long ball, and pokey ears can be weirdly hot, so Ichiro defying expectations is nothing new.

Speaking of defying expectations, here he is from a few years back telling Bob Costas what his favorite American expression is:

TRANSLASIAN: “August in Kansas City, it’s hotter than two rats in a fucking wool sock.”

Gulf Coast League Pirates pitcher Rinku Singh made history Monday by becoming the first India-born player to record a professional baseball win in the U.S. (The GCL Pirates are the rookie developmental team of the Pittsburgh Pirates.) You may recall that Rinku and his countryman Dinesh Patel made history before when they signed with the Pirates organization last November after placing first and second in an Indian reality-show contest called The Million Dollar Arm, thereby becoming the first India-born players to ink a professional sports contract of any kind in this country.

So how did Rinku get his first win? Did he manage to bring up the velocity of his fastball from the low 90′s? Did he paint the outside corners of the strike zone? Did he introduce something nasty and unhittable to his limited pitching repertoire?

Then again, he only had to strike out one batter to get the win, so I’m not going to get my panties too far in a bunch over this “historic” moment. (Yes, Rinku, still “giving you shit.” See also “heckling.”)