Thursday, March 25, 2010

Musically engaged...I have sound now!!

So I finally figured out how to include music to my blog!! Sweet!!!
Each song holds SUCH specific meaning to me. Except the intrumental one...I just found that one and liked the title and the music! So I included it.
"His Eye is on the Sparrow" is a song I haven't listened to since we lost our first twins in '07!
When we found out we were expecting identical twins I remember listening to my Selah CD (I love that group) and listening to this song and deemed it the "theme song" to carry me throughout my pregnancy. But I would sing "His eye is on my sparrowS"...
Little did I know I would lose that pregnancy...and not even realize it until I was told at my 12 week ultra sound that our babies were no longer with us.
From that day on I never listened to that song again. It hurt too much. I felt silly for putting such meaning in to a song.
I couldn't find the songs that I would play for Zac and Evan (literally from the moment they were transfered back to me until the day they would be born). Otherwise I would have included those. But guess what...once again I have not been able to listen to those songs. Two were included in Zac's funeral...and that was the last day I listened to those songs.
Again...I felt silly for putting such meaning in to songs.
HOWEVER...I am grateful that I had those songs to encourage me along the days in each of my pregnancies, regardless of the endings.
AND...I will once again listen to my two choice songs from my pregnancy with Zac and Evan because Evan is here. And those songs meant something to me and my boys. And I will play them again one day for Evan when I know I'll be able to make it through without crumbling to the floor.
Music has a way. A way to make us feel silly, brave, funky, "jiggy", happy, sad, somber, reflective, emotional. Music has a way to touch a persons soul in ways nothing else can. Music can and does heal.
I'm learning something. I've always put my hope in my pregnancies on things that seemed to be "signs". Special dates that I thought reflected God's answers, special songs or verses that I figured were telling me things would be okay.
With my first pregnancy my due date was June 26, 2008. I figured for sure my babies were going to be fine because June 28th was mine and Brett's wedding anniversary date and that it MUST mean that we were going to receive the greatest wedding gift ever...our babies, after years of heart ache wondering if we would ever be parents.
So when I lost the babies...I lost a date of "hope" and what I figured was "promise".
When we found out that we were once again pregnant with fraternal twins, after the first initial waves of pure fear and terror I believed that this meant for SURE our babies would be okay. Because why after losing our first twins would we endure another loss. I believed that this pregnancy was a redeeming time for all that we had lost. I believed that I'd experience a complete ending.
Wow...what does a person do when everything they believed comes crashing down.
First, you feel like a niave fool. Then you feel cheated, angry and hurt. Then you recoil in shock. Then you get angry some more. Then you feel like a fool again. Then you question everything you believed. Then you get angry that once again you "appointed" special songs and verses that you now no longer want to look at or hear.
BUT, over time...those verses and songs slowly find their way back to your heart. You remember the peace and the certainty you felt entrusting that pregnancy to God and the words that came from your mouth "no matter the days, I thank you for these children. No matter what...I know You hold them in Your hands. I ask for a lifetime, but will cherish the time I am blessed with".
WOW...be careful on how verbal you are in your strength and faith...because IF something happens...are you going to back up those initial proclomations?
At first...I couldn't. I was beyond broken and angry and hurt and devastated and felt so stupid and niave and blind-sided.
But, only after these past one year markers of Zac's passing, I can say "thank you". Thank you for allowing me precious moments and memories. Thank you for allowing me to get to know my son even for a little while. Thank you for allowing me the "honor" of holding him and loving him as he returned back home.
Do I stop hurting? No. Do I stop questioning? No. Do I stop believing? NO!
Through it all, God owed me nothing. He owed me no child. I didn't "earn" any special blessing. I wasn't owed any miracles.
It doesn't mean I didn't hope, believe, asked, prayed.
I have been blessed through joy and through pain, through blessing and through loss.
I'm just as important as the next person to God. He hasn't forsaken me. He loves me and both...ALL my children. He didn't dangle my sons in my face only to say "ha ha ha, oh Heather, you are so gullible!" He showed me love through both of my sons.
Yup, I know He understands losing a child. I know He understands what it is like to watch as His son dies. Does it make it easier? Nope. Do I find myself saying "then if you understand what it's like...why didn't you protect Zac more?" With shame on my face my answer is...yes.
Do I feel like I am broken? Uh huh. Do I feel like I am defeated? Not so much any more.
Do I feel like I am scared of the future and trusting again? Ya. Will I stop trusting? Nah.
Music...it's finding its way back in to my soul again. Healing spots and mending others. Cushioning blows and encouraging others.
I will sing with Evan. We will dance and be silly. We will laugh and I'm sure days where we will cry. I want to instill things in to Evan that have been important to me...and music is one of those things.
Evan LOVES humming. It's adorable. He has music playing in his room all through the night and at nap times. It plays while we drive in the car.
He loves to plunk the piano keys at both his grandparents houses. He loves to bang on pots and pans. He loves to bounce to the beat of music.
When I wanted to really feel the boys moving I'd put my ipod earphones on my belly and play some music and away they would go! It was awesome! It is a good memory.
Thanks to music!
Anyhow, I'm just babbling here.
Turn up your volume. The music will begin to play automatically when you open my blog now. Scroll to the very bottom and you will find my play list.
I hope these songs touch pieces of your heart too!
Enjoy...the music!!

Due to licensing restrictions in the UK, I can't hear your playlist, but one thing I wanted to say is that I'm not sure if I ever told you, but "His eye is on the sparrow" is also a song very close to my own heart, even although for me it was a song I listened to in the aftermath of losing our twins as it reminded me through many days, nights and months of grief, how God saw all my pain and was with me in the fire. He didn't rescue me from it (ie our babies were taken all too soon), but it still spoke to me about how we may suffer incredible pain in this life and whilst none of it is fair, somehow I pray that if our story touches one life; if someone believes in God through all I have endured, then I can only thank Him.

Being a musician myself, music has an incredibly way of expressing and conveying our innermost emotions, often which we are unable to express verbally. Music has always held a very, very special place in my own heart too. I think it's beautiful that yo have such wonderful songs which are attached to your pregnancies and I pray that one day the overriding emotion when you listen to them will not evoke one of intense grief, but remembering with love and somehow, some measure of 'acceptance'?

I pray one day you will listen to those incredible songs again and that your heart will be overflowing with love as you remember Zac and joy as you watch your other miracle boy grow and surpass all expectations!

Sorry if my words are 'off' today adn my thoughts rambly. I'm full of flu so finding it hard to form a coherent sentence!

About Me

After 10 years of unexplained infertility and after our 1st IVF and then loss of our first babies - a triplet prior to 6 weeks and then our identical twins days before 12 weeks (Dec. 6 '07)...round 2 of IVF blessed us with fraternal twin boys - Zac Michael and Evan Brett. After delivering the boys at 28 weeks 1 day (March 6, 2009 - Zac 2lb 5ou and Evan 2lb 9ou), and three days after their birth, Zac went home to heaven to be with his brothers (March 9, 2009). 66 days in NICU and 2 weeks before my actual due date...our precious son Evan came home weighing just under 5lbs! Our story and journey from the beginning can be read here.