The Gay Sex Talk Everyone Needs To Hear

I know a bit about sex these days, but that’s primarily because I work within the sex Industry. I do talks with queer youth, I’ve worked in adult stores, and a lot of my academic research and writings centred on gender studies, sex and sexuality and the social sciences before I continued on with my teaching degree. One thing that keeps popping up though is the sex talk. The sex talk is something that a lot of people take for granted – at some stage, many parents sit down with their kids and they fumble their way through the birds and the bees story.

Let’s strip that back for a moment – how on earth does a heterosexual parent have the sex talk with their LGBTQ+ kids?

A mother would have no clue what sex is like for men, let alone gay men, so how would a parent communicate this idea of sex with their queer children? Consider this – a queer child might already feel isolated and alone as a result of their heteronormative family unit and peers, so where are they going to turn to for the information that they so desperately need? Queer children, when it comes to sexual education, are often left to fend for themselves, instead turning to LGBT friendly pornography, peers, and youth support networks for their information – and that’s assuming that they have access to these networks, and are willing to access these networks without fear of being persecuted or outed.

Image: Inclusive Sex Ed

We know that the mechanics of sex are completely different for LGBTQ people in so many ways, same sex intimate encounters aren’t for the purpose of reproduction. It’s about the experience and enjoyment of pleasure, not to mention the release of all that sexual frustration. With this in mind, queer youth are so unprepared for their first sexual encounter. I remember my own first sexual encounter with another man, and it was and still is one of the most awkward encounters of my life. I barely knew what I was doing, and I was so damn nervous that it was an absolute struggle keeping it up. I merely repeated exactly what he did to me, and what I’d seen in porn.

Going up to my mother and asking how I give a blowjob was completely and utterly out of the question. Asking my mother about how to have anal sex was a thought so incomprehensible that I don’t think that it ever crossed my mind. Thankfully, I’d received enough of a sexual education that I knew condoms were vital, and I vaguely knew how STIs could be contracted, but how to deal with the pain of having a cock shoved up my ass, or how to make sure that my partner was feeling good as I thrusted back and forth like a rabbit concerned only with the feelings that it was giving me? Not a fucking clue.

We can’t deny that out heterosexual counterparts do receive some of their sexual education from their families. We’ve all heard that story of that friend who received sex tips from their grandmother on how to make sure that their man is happy. Sure, this kind of stuff is often outdated, and focuses on how to keep him interested (as if your personality, and charisma just isn’t enough) but there are some families that talk about sex, and sex tips afterall sex education is very important.

The queer sex talk is just as important as the sex talk with your kids

It’s not just about ensuring that they have the information, but from a parent’s perspective it’s about ensuring that your child doesn’t feel alone and that they’re getting supportive information. So, before you take a proactive and sex positive approach and go running off to your child to talk about all the different kinds of sex in the world that there is, take a step back, and breathe. You don’t need to know tips on how to give a blow job, or cunnlingus pointers, but you do need to know how to keep your child safe, and that’s separate to the idea that they may not even have come out yet.

Firstly, they may or may not be even gay/lesbian/queer. It’s important not to overthink what’s considered to be the ‘early signs’ of a child’s development. So, your son likes to walk around in heels and your daughter wants to be a truck driver? Not only are these incredibly stereotypical, but we need to let kids be kids and for that, a parent needs to wait until the child is comfortable enough to bring it up on their own terms. You can absolutely make sure that your language is inclusive, and that there does exist queer relationships and different kinds of families, but your child needs to work through their feelings, and begin to understand them before they can start talking about them and that’s where supportive words about LGBTQ people and causes can go a long way towards inclusivity, and ensuring that they’re brought up in a supportive environment. Regardless of whether they’re queer or not, it’s a great habit to be in.

So what do you do if your child does come out as queer?

Firstly, support them, let them know that they’re still amazing people and that they’re loved. Secondly, get the help and resources that you need by reaching out for support if you need it yourself. These two steps are very important especially when there are many challenges when people come out as queer.

As for the mechanics? Just don’t do it.

All you’ll need to do is to take out the baby making process for your sex talk, discuss safer sex and protection in a gender inclusive way and point them in the right direction.

Author: Stephen is a consultant from Oh Zone Adult Lifestyle Centres

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Stephen is a cis-gendered gay male who spends far too much time with his two cats and eating tim tams. A self-identified sex-positive advocate he cares deeply about gender equality, disabilities, sexual education and social issues. Opinionated and bold he isn’t afraid to speak his mind and say what others won’t. With a yearning for knowledge and experience in all things relating to sex, he is a prolific writer that has developed the content for a myriad of informative Sexual Health and Wellness websites.

Stephen’s articles and writings tends to focus on social issues, sexual education, queer issues and all things fetish and absurd. He comes qualified with the completion of a double Bachelor degree in Social Sciences and literature, and a Masters in Education.