This was not an easy vid for me. It's been a while since I've made such an angsty vid and I felt like I forgot how. I was extremely lucky to have brilliant betas who gave me thoughtful, helpful and excellent notes and helped me work through vidding problems I had with it.

Mega thanks to counteragent for all her hard work and amazing suggestions. There's no way I would have completed this without you. I loves ya - I hope you know that. Thanks to killabeez for great ideas and reminding me about better artistic choices (I love that stuff so thank you! <33) And special thanks to the lovely el1ie for her thoughtful feedback and helping me articulate exactly what I was doing here. *hugs* to all you lovely ladies. Oh, and to my test audience at a recent gathering...<333

Notes

Season 8 Sam was difficult for me to get my head and heart around so I felt like I needed to vid something to help me sort it out. When I saw the hc_bingo prompt for "scars" it made me think of the scars that Sam carries - physical, mental and emotional, so I went looking for a song. It's rare that I find a song that matches what I am thinking about. I knew in my head exactly what I wanted to do, but getting the images to match the intent was extremely difficult. I am not kidding when I say my betas were instrumental in helping me make this. Their honesty and suggestions/ideas were extremely helpful.

I think, like any fanwork, it can be interpreted according to your view and approach to a character. I have lots of feelings and ideas on Sam and I have attempted to express them in this. But I accept that what I see and what others see/feel might be different.

For me, this is about how Sam got to the place he did when he confessed that his biggest sin is letting Dean down. I wanted to explore that and look at how Sam sees his "sins". I also wanted to look at what Sam has been through over the years and try and capture a little of that. He was completely broken at the end of S8 and even though I accept the story telling was uneven, I wanted to use what we were given.

Dean doesn't fair too well, but it's not about me looking down on the character but rather presenting a Dean that Sam was thinking about when he entered the confessional. I usually make vids about how their brotherly love saves them. I see this as more about how their love damages them (Ack! Those Winchesters and their co-dependance).

I have a heap of thoughts about the choices I've made and what moments represent in my mind. I won't explain them now, but if you have questions please ask. You know me, I love chatting about characters AND vidding. :))

Great to see this posted, it's emotionally devastating as show often is, but you've woven some gorgeous images with you're magical talent into a beautiful vid. Excellent work and I know this is going to be a Sam standard for a long time to come.

I think this really helped me accept that they took these boys to a very dark and messed up place. I can't forgive them for much of what they did in S8 but I can try and make sense of it and embrace it as part of canon now (there was also a lot I loved and I cling on to that).

Thanks again for your valuable feedback. I liked being able to put into words what this meant to me. <33

it's not about me looking down on the character but rather presenting a Dean that Sam was thinking about when he entered the confessional.

TBH, I'm kinda sad that you felt the need to explain that, as it's pretty clear what was going on. You know how big of a Dean!girl I am, and I got it right away. Then again, I'm also a brothers!girl . . . and fandom is fandom, so I guess I understand after all why you did.

more about how their love damages them

There really are more holes (or "scars," as you say) in these poor guys' hearts because of LOVE, than any demon ever put there.

Beautiful vid, bb, just beautiful. You legit made me cry. Thanks for sharing this beauty with us.

*hugs* honey. Thank you so much for your lovely words and encouragement. As much as I'm not happy it made you cry - I am glad you felt the emotion. <333

I'm kinda sad that you felt the need to explain that

Hee...maybe I'm getting a little more paranoid the longer I'm in fandom. ;) I was quite concerned when I was making this how I representing Dean - but when I got inside Sam's head this is what came out. I love Dean DEARLY! And as much as I am unhappy that they took the boys to those places, I can't deny I love the angst of it all. :)

Oh God. Sam. I feel like you incorporated every emotionally significant scene in 8 seasons of Sam Winchester and rolled into a vid. \o/ The song was amazingly spot on, and I liked how you chose to interpret it (sometimes angsty vids interpreting lyrics literally can boarder on melodramatic). I esp. liked all the lost romantic interests (JESS!!!!SARAH!!!!!!!). Before I read your notes I was thinking that one could write a big, fat meta just on this vid, so it's nice to hear that you have a lot of thoughts on it. :)

Thank you so much! I have so many thinky thoughts on all of this - even the small stuff like how each of them provides a reflection of the other. Much of how they see themselves and how they judge themselves comes from their brother. We so often see how much that actually hurts them - not the good it does (though there's obviously lots of good too..;D).

And I gotta give a shout out to counteragent for the lost love section. she mentioned doing a section on the ladies and leapt at the idea. I tend to remember Ruby and Jess mostly, but I think after what happened to Sarah she has created another scar for him. Then it made more sense to me that he would end up rejecting Amelia thinking he'll probably screw her life up as well (not that show played it that way, but I like that idea).

This video is soooo heart breaking. But I loved connecting to all this vulnerability, the feelings without any mask, the truth living in the core of Sam's heart.

I really liked this moment of Benny "ghosting" through the picture as the seemingly better brother substitute. I found that very powerful. Towards the end, around 2.20 it was like everything now had become a complete mess with no solution and then Dean shows up.. and the hug.. *sniff*.. *bawls*..I can't even tell you how I felt when I saw that. How much Sam needs Dean's love and support, needs his big brother. Sam seemed like a little kid in that moment. *hearts little Sammy*

This is an amazing vid. It really is. All the scenes you chose and your usual perfect editing just came together to deliver this deadly punch to the heart of the viewer.

I dearly love your funny vids but this was was so lovely - you brought a tear to my eye at the end when Dean drops the amulet in the bin - and that isn't a scene that usually gets to me that way. Hurty good!

Oh, gawd, I'm PMSing and this is hurting me so ridiculously good! Not that I'd need the excuse of That Time of Month to goose my feelings over your gorgeous handiwork. LOVE how you wrap it around in the confessional. You have distilled exactly what hurts in Sam's life into Three. Potent. Minutes.

That is one gorgeous vid, and I'm seriously in awe of your editing skills. Thanks for sharing! :-)

And... I don't think this was unfair to Dean, really? He's already admitted that he's said stuff that's set Sam back, and it makes sense that Sam would think about the hurtful stuff while making his confession. Talk about fucked-up love. ♥

Yeah, and I think that's what was in the back of my mind. I know what Dean said was crucial to Sam making that confession so it became a major part of this vid. Even though I know Dean is hurting as well.

Masterpiece…I totally got that it was Dean through Sam's eyes we were seeing. It makes 8.23 fit. Perfect song. I like how you put the psych ward with the part about wanting to rest. The Ruby stuff through the cemetery section is really great with scars on my heart, scars on my soul. I like the comparison you got with Jess's cookies and Amelia's birthday cake. Totally heartbreaking with Sam left with his hand out for Cas to shake and the damn amulet. This one is going to stick with me for a while.

I like the comparison you got with Jess's cookies and Amelia's birthday cake.

Totally gotta give counteragent credit for that one. She mentioned something about those scenes and it just clicked with me. In fact, the past girlfriends section came about through her beta notes (it's why I love collaborating on stuff!).

Man that amulet.... I know it's a well used image but I couldn't think of anything better to show Dean's rejection of Sam at that point. Kills me whenever I think of it.