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Doctor who signed Jesus’ death certificate struck off

A doctor is facing professional ruin after a man he pronounced dead was later seen walking around Galilee in perfect health.

The disgraced medic says that he didn’t have time to look closely at the alleged corpse before signing the papers, claiming he was ‘under pressure to meet targets’. He now admits, ‘I just looked at the three crosses and the man on the middle one seemed dead to me. I’d had a hard day and I wasn’t about to start feeling the pulse of some guy nailed to a bit of wood.’

The ‘dead’ man Jesus is believed to have been feeling drowsy after a heavy supper of bread and wine and says he ‘probably dozed off’ on the cross, as ‘the conversation with two thieves wasn’t very stimulating.’ Crucifixion experts say this could be mistaken for death by a careless doctor about to knock off on a Friday evening.

Jesus is now taking legal action for the trauma of being locked in a cramped and chilly tomb for a whole weekend where he almost caught his death of cold. However, lawyers for the doctor claim it’s an elaborate compensation scam, pointing out that the plaintiff was involved in a previous back-to-life trick with local man Lazarus, who is still in a legal dispute with his health authority and undertaker.