Dear Harpies: My boyfriend got hired by Giant Tech Behemoth for a summer internship, which is awesome for him career-wise. But it means we’ll be long-distance for 3 months, which is the longest we’ve been apart since the very beginning of our relationship.

So, question #1: LDR tips? Also, as an unintended side effect of this situation that is both exciting and scary, I will be living alone as an adult (ie, not in a dorm) for the first time in my life.

Question #2: How do I make that totally awesome? What are some things I definitely should do? I want to take this summer to refresh my independent-ass kickin’-lady skills since I’ve been living with Boyfriend for so long and haven’t ever tried this “adulthood” thing without him around.

Thanks!

BeckySharper: Three months is not really that long in the grand scheme of things, so you should be fine emotionally if you do the usual intimacy-maintenance stuff, by talking on the phone or Skype or IM, sending e-mails and texts, etc. When I think back to my college LD relationship in the pre-internet days—I was in Virginia, he was in Ontario—I marvel at how we managed to stay together for a year entirely thanks to Canada Post and US Mail (we almost never talked on the phone because it was so expensive). The internet enables such better contact it’s like night and day, so make liberal use of it!

In my humble opinion, v-chat is where it’s at. If you don’t have Skype—get it! It costs nothing and runs better than video gchat. I was in a LDR most of last year with someone who lived 6,000 miles away and Skype enabled me to see his face, hear his voice, and occasionally pick up my laptop and move it around to show him stuff around my house. Also, Skype sex. SRSLY.

PhDork: I did the LDR thing with the Dude for about a year, after living together for two. I had two short-term jobs that took me to new places where I lived in hotels and dorms and such.

This was about a decade ago, so we had the imbernets, but not Skype or any kind of video chat. No FB, or even Friendster (remember that?). No cell phone for 3/4s of that time, either. Just plain ol’ email and landlines. And while those were important for regular keeping-it-touch, we sent snail mail a lot. Love poems, mix tapes (yes, TAPES, ’cause we are Olds, to whom mix tapes are a crucial courting device). Long handwritten letters full of lust and longing.

We arranged for visits, too, probably four or so over the course of a year. Which was tough to arrange and expensive, but a big help, since I am not a fan of techno-sex of the phone or web varieties (it feels very fakey and performance-y for me, which: ladybonerkiller!). But sex toys and time to use them were important.

Now during that time, I kept busy because I was working these gigs, and meeting lots of new people, learning stuff. Keeping busy is important, so that you don’t have a chance to mire in mopery. You will feel sad and lonely at times–that’s totally normal and expected–but if you have places to be and people to meet, you can keep yourself going.

BeckySharper: The answer to Question #2: “how do I make this awesome?” is “however the fuck you want!” There’s a lot to be said for the single life, be it temporary or permanent. It’s fun to be selfish and do only what pleases and inspires you, without having to accommodate someone else. See this three months as a chance to do that, and don’t feel guilty about it!

I think the key to not feeling lonely or mope-y is to stay busy and take advantage of the chance to do all the things you wouldn’t do otherwise. If you’re a homebody, like I am, being alone at home can be divine after all that time spent compromising with your mate over what to eat, what to watch on TV, whose turn it is to clean up. Eat whatever you want. Cook whatever you want. Clean up when you feel like it. Have friends over to the house to hang out and have movie nights—the house is ALL YOURS! Or stay out late with them! Your schedule is ALL YOURS! This is a chance for you to socialize with friends all by yourself, without worrying about whether your social plans are convenient or interesting for your boyfriend.

Or if you’re not as much of a homebody—road trip! Get together a group trip with friends, even if it’s just to the next town over. Or travel by yourself. Go somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. Enjoy the freedom of having to plan it for no one but yourself on your own timetable according to your own tastes.

Then, when he comes back, you can tell him what you’ve been up to, enjoy some hot reunion sex, and—who knows?—maybe you’ll have new insights about yourself and your relationship and things you can do together.

PhDork: Think of the stuff that you love to do that your fella is less crazy about. I love to clean and organize things, purge stuff. The Dude decidedly does not. I also explored the towns I was living in (both were new to me), watched a lot of cable at one of them, since I’d never had it before, and got involved in some group activities. I read A LOT. Cooked a lot. It would have been a good time (had I been “at home”) to do projects–home improvement, learning new stuff, picking up a hobby I’d neglected.

Eat ice cream for breakfast at noon and indulge your obsession with online puzzle games, or whatever. Plan a surprise welcome home party for him. Invest in a good box wine, since opening a bottle for one guarantees headaches. Take care of yourself.

Anyone else been in a LDR and want to chime in? We know you’ve got some good advice and tips…

10 Responses to “Help Me Harpies: Long Distance Relationships”

The fact that there is commitment to making it work on both sides is by far the biggest marker of how easy this is going to be on you!

The first practical suggestion I have for you is to make sure you have your own life activities lined up — get out of the house, or read a book you’ve always meant to read, or hang out with friends regularly, or learn to cook, or whatever. Find something to help you keep from pining. Strengthening your individual identity will make you better in the relationship, and this is an opportunity to develop independently.

You can also do something like I did in my one successful LDR: I made a box with little short love notes, one to be opened by him every day that we were to be apart. This helped at least as much as letters and phone calls to keep us feeling connected, and it didn’t make me fixate on his absence while in medias res.

Incidentally, @BeckySharper, I have found gmail vchat far more consistent and better-quality than Skype, so your mileage may vary.

Good luck, LW, and have fun with your first time living as an independent adult-type-person!

As my handle suggests, I do a lot of traveling and living abroad, so I’ve done a LOT of LDRs. Some survived the distance and some didn’t – and honestly, for the ones that didn’t, it was because getting the distance allowed us to see that the we weren’t right for each other in the first place, but had just become comfortable. So even though it sounds like a bad thing that the distance broke us up, it was actually a good thing – saved us an extended and more difficult breakup.

Basically, I second what everyone above said. Internet is a godsend for LDRs. Chat every day, if you can. I’m actually out of the country right now, and my partner and I both stay logged into gchat as long as we can get away with, and just chat about this and that over the course of the day. Sharing fantasies, sexy pics, and, if you can, phone/video sex is both hot and important for maintaining the sexual desire (and avoiding having that desire redirected elsewhere).

Three months is really not bad at all – you’ll find after the first 2-3 weeks (the hardest time) it’ll (mostly) fly by. In fact, I have a 3-month visitation policy – if we’re apart longer than 3 months, then I plan a visit every 2-3 months. It works well for me, and several other friends of mine who’ve had successful LDRs have the same policy. There’s something about that 2.5-3 month mark – it’s about the time that the libido takes over and others start looking really good, no matter how committed you are to your relationship.

In the meantime, to second the Harpies’ excellent advice, just do what makes you happy and keeps you busy – and, bonus, it gives you more things to talk about with your bf.

My ex and I had a LDR (2 hours away) for about two years. We’d planned to move in together after graduating, but then illness in my family meant I had to move back home instead. It was OK – we talked a lot, visited at weekends. We were together for another seven years afterwards.

As for living alone – I love it. I also think that it’s a really good experience for people before settling down with someone else. It means you know what needs doing for running a household, you know there’s no ‘housework fairy’ so it will make you a better person to live with in the long run.

As said above, as well, you can do what you like when you like, answer to nobody and it’s just lovely. Enjoy it!

Gotta jump in on this one, Harpies! I moved from Texas to Hawaii for grad school in December- my husband, as very-happily-employed-breadwinner, stayed in Texas, so we are now 4000 miles and 5 hours apart.

OK, Question #1:
Things that were hardest to get used to: having to explore by yourself; sleep by yourself; deal with problems by yourself; having to make friends and meet people by yourself; relearning to cook for one; time zones.

Things that make it better: texts- lots and lots and lots of texts; planning phone time; weekend skype dates (when I say ‘dates’ I mean more like- oh you’re eating dinner? I’m having lunch! Let’s skype!); visits, however brief and no matter the circumstances; actively seeking out things that you enjoy that he doesn’t (for instance, I love waking up with the sun in my face, he prefers to be cloaked in darkness until he has to leave, etc).

I also got a lot of help and support in the beginning from my facebook friends who are military wives. Don’t be afraid to broadcast your feelings when you’re sad- people understand and they will encourage you- it also gets better after the first few weeks.

Question #2- We’ve been enjoying the wide world of greeting cards- specifically, buying them with the intention of pointing out how ridiculous they are and closing them out with a heartfelt and sweet note- and hey, everyone loves mail from real humans, so much so the better when it’s the human you love!

This could be the best thing to ever happen to your relationship. You will find out what YOU are like as an individual, adult person. Do what YOU want to do, when and how. Then, before he gets back, think about the things you did while he was gone that you didn’t do while he was there. And ask yourself – how much do I miss doing that? How important is that to me?

You may find out that you completely change yourself when you are with him. And now you will have concrete “demands” – “I need to spend more time curled reading novels and less time out clubbing.” Be reasonable, of course – there is some give and take in any relationship and you might need to spend SOME time clubbing, as a member of a partnership. But you can make sure that your personality is not being completely changed in the process. And if you didn’t realize that that was happening, and he’s unwilling to accommodate the changes you want to make, well, you’ll have some thinking to do.

Alternately, you may find that you are doing all the same things you normally do. In which case, score! You are in a relationship where you get to completely be yourself. Now you’re talking really long-term potential.

I know that’s not really what you were asking about, but it’s still a great opportunity to “test” the long-term potential of your relationship. I know women that have NEVER not been with someone, much less been away from them for more than a week. It’s sad to see how much some of them change with each new partner.

Such great advice from so many people. I’d like to especially cosign on Chris’s comment.

I’ve had several LDRs, all of which started as LDRs.

#1: Do all of the online stuff, but, as others have said, don’t underestimate the power of a hand-written letter with a dash of perfume or a doodle on the envelope.

There are two Internet things I love the most. The first are custom-made crossword puzzles. There are lots of sites for these; you just input your own words and your own clues, and it will make a crossword puzzle for you. You can link it to your significant other or print it out and mail it. The second are custom-made jigsaw puzzles; I like Jigsaw Planet, but there are lots. You can make any image into a puzzle, choosing the number and shape of the pieces.

It’s my experience that you will randomly become fond of shitty and/or corny music when you’re around the 2-3 week mark that viajera mentioned
Our former roommate has been married a few years but had been living here for grad school while her husband stayed in their home country. They did the “gchat whenever they could” thing that viajera mentioned, which let both of them feel a lot less lonely/mopey. Another nice thing was that their conversations didn’t become that sort of “HEY IT’S BEEN SO LONG OMGZzzz” awkward because they were just chattin’ about regular stuff throughout the day, just like they would be if they were hanging out in person.

This is the perfect opportunity to do something that you’ve been wanting to do but is noisy and/or chaotic. I’m with PhD and Becky—time for some home improvement project! I found moving in with a guy automatically lowered the amount of stuff I was willing to do that involved chemicals like paint or tools like hammers. Same with him—he once painted the entire apartment when I was out of town. There’s just some one man projects that are hard to pull off when another person is around, because they either want to get involved or it’s annoying to the person who isn’t working on it. Plus, nothing says “independent woman” like getting your hands dirty.

This is also a perfect time to start a hobby that has a lot of intensive start-up costs in term of time and/or an annoying learning curve. Since it’s spring, this would be a great time to start a garden, for instance, even a balcony garden. I’d be thrilled to have three months to learn how to sew.

I, too, am in a sometimes LDR relationship. I’m a Canadian and my husband is an American. Currently we are in the process of his immigration to Canada permanently, so he spends time in Canada and then returns to the US. He’s been back in Vegas now for 2 months, after an extended stay here.

My suggestions echo the ones already provided. Stay busy, reconnect with the things you used to love, and take time for yourself. Catch up with friends, rearrange your living space, start scrapbooking. Take a class you’ve always wanted to take but never had the time to.

With the current era of technology a LDR has never been easier. Trust me. My partner and I sometimes play scrabble on our ipods, share a bottle of wine over skype, write each other love letters that are sometimes sexy, and just hang out. We never go to bed without saying goodnight and I love you. We talk about the things we can’t wait to do when we’re together again and we make plans.

At the end of the day, it’s about finding the right balance between time for you and time for your partnership. And if you strike it right, it’s rewarding. Not to mention, talking in depth about what you want to do with each other when you reunite can be hot as hell!