Epic failure has a new home.

Baby, baby, baby, please?!?

Friends, Phoenicians, Reader: I come here not to praise the Phoenix Coyotes, the lepers of the Arizona sports world, but to offer them some honest help. In case you haven’t noticed, the Coyotes are in bad shape- But hey, who hasn’t forgotten to pay their lease for months at a time? Or, additionally, to pay the city that parking surcharge they collect on each ticket sale?

The Coyotes are now advertising that season tickets start at less than $9.00 a game, which adds up to a whopping $396.00 per seat for the season. Now mind you, the ads are quite silent on the odds of the Coyotes being in Glendale next season. In today’s tough economy the ‘Yotes need to step up their sales pitch, so here are a few helpful suggestions:

Billy Mays: His track record speaks for itself. Have him pop out a few infomercials telling local residents that if they order now, they will get a six month supply of Oxy Clean for only $19.95. His preternaturally black beard betrays his black soul. He will hypnotize the masses into attending the Coyotes unique brand of ice-based entertainment.

Old Person Night:Give away free Depends, wide white belts, and polygrip at the door.It increases attendance and stops old people from ruining something else that night, it is what we call a win/win.

Lying: Tell people they are buying Cardinals season tickets. It is easier to beg for forgiveness than to ask permission, particularly if they are dumb enough to fall for this. The target audience here is anyone who invested heavily in West Valley real estate.

The Anchor Man: For every pair of lower level season tickets you buy, The Great One will take your mother to a nice seafood dinner AND call her afterward, just to see how she is doing. If the tickets are in the first ten rows . . . well let’s just say, Mom may get a stand up triple.

Buy some tickets, and no one has to get a twitchy finger.

The Hard Sell:

Simple, you buy season tickets … or the dog is gonna have an “accident”.

These are just a few humble suggestions. Of course, you could also just move to Canada and see if anyone in Arizona would really notice.Something tells me it would take months.

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