Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (2009)

Is there a plot?

TWILIGHT with neck bolts.

What's the damage?

VAMPIRE GIRL VS. FRANKENSTEIN GIRL is so ridiculous it's almost a parody of other similar Japanese movies like MACHINE GIRL, ATTACK GIRLS' SWIM TEAM VS THE UNDEAD and TOKYO GORE POLICE. It's not as random as ROBOGEISHA, which was pure insanity, but its ludicrous violence and dark slapstick tone (seriously, what's with all the go-go music?) make it worth watching and scratching your head.

The Julia Roberts cameo was unexpected.

On Valentine's Day, a popular high school boy named Jyugon receives a piece of chocolate from Monami, a mysterious new girl. He eats it only to discover it's filled with blood. Not just any blood, but the girl's own vampire blood! This apparently also turns him in to a vampire upon ingesting and he immediately begins to see everyone around him as walking circulatory systems. Since his life is pretty much over and his vampire social circle is pretty limited, Jyugon has no choice but to fall in love with Monami, much to the dismay of Keiko, the school's queen bee who also has a thing for him.

"And that, children, is why Sarah Michelle Gellar is not allowed to set foot on Japanese soil."

Not only is Keiko the most popular girl in school, but her dad is the Vice Principal. Except when he's moonlighting as a samurai mad scientist attempting to reanimate the dead like a certain Mary Shelley character. So it's pretty convenient when Keiko is accidentally killed after attacking Monami for stealing her boytoy, as it gives the grief-stricken father a chance to practice his skills on his own daughter. This results in a final showdown on the Japanese Eiffel Tower between the title characters, a vampire girl with a magic cape (think T-1000 with blood) and a Frankenstein girl filled with enough booby traps to give Inspector Gadget spank material.

In hindsight, everyone regretted telling poor Ayumi that her dreams were within arm's reach.

If this sounds at all familiar, it's because VAMPIRE GIRL is a blatant play on recent bloodsucker movies like TWILIGHT (sappy supernatural love triangle) and LET THE RIGHT ONE IN. (The vampire girl even has an old man who does her bidding while she searches for a younger replacement.) The only difference is the amount of violence and the inclusion of ridiculous characters like a hunchback janitor who can unfurl his misshapen spine to use as a weapon, or the scientist's slutty nurse who has electric nunchucks and eyeball-hands for boobs.

The Al Jolson Fan Club weren't the friendliest bunch.

But perhaps the most absurd part of this movie—a movie that features a psychedelic music video with a guy playing guitar on someone's spine—is the high school setting itself. Aside from vampires and other monsters, the school is made up of various cliques that include varsity wristcutters (they hold competitive meets to see who can cut the best) and the Super Dark Girls Club, a group of Japanese girls who want to be African American so bad they wear blackface, giant afros and lip plates. (This is probably the most racist thing I've ever seen in my life.) Even better is that when Dr. Frankenstein is rebuilding his daughter, he uses parts from each of these groups—a wristcutter's arms so they'll be tough and hard to cut, a Dark Girl's legs so she can run fast like a Kenyan, and a Chinese man's lungs…because apparently all Chinese people smoke and therefore have better lung capacity.

My words won't do this movie justice, so here's more pictures:

Only in Japan...

Unintentional Fart Joke #1

Unintentional Fart Joke #2

When Sally said she was going as Nic Cage for Halloween, nobody assumed she meant Castor Troy.

Now with rich political subtext!

Finally! A viable solution for when a woman tells you "My eyes are up here!"

Rick Baker was seriously overlooked for his work in PRECIOUS.

A "hand-eye coordination" joke is almost too easy.

And this is why members of the Jersey Shore cast should not be allowed to procreate.

You've got red on you.

Even if PROMETHEUS doesn't have any facehuggers, this movie's got you covered.

You know how I know you're gay?

A wrist cutting rally? That must be a metaphor for...

Oh.

"Go Go Gadget...um, Crazy Japanese Chick!"

"Best" Line

The incredibly racist Dark Girls Club acts incredibly racist. This may or may not include an ode to President Obama.