Thursday, April 26, 2007

This is a total cop-out topic, but you can bite me. This is my blog. Not yours. Only boring people have organized brains. Mine is totally bonkers this week. There is so much rattling around in there. Take, for example...

1. My super-secret project is in full swing right now. That's why I haven't been posting a lot this week. Am super busy. Next week I will have more time. I know, I haven't read your blog. I am sorry. I will do better next week, promise! I will try and get to some blogs on Sunday. I probably won't even post tomorrow (Friday).

2. I have NOT forgotten that I have to interview Coco, Meghan and Lowtide. I will get to you, I promise!!! It is written down on like 5 different little sheets of paper. The papers are on my desk at work, my desk at home, in my purse, etc. So there is no way I will forget.

3. I am on this running kick. I have discovered that if I run a little more slowly, and outside (rather than on a treadmill), I can run twice as far with less pain! Woot! I ran/walked 4 miles in an hour the other day. Which is good for me. So I'm all about running (ok, who are we kidding? I will be jogging.) all 4 miles straight. That is my goal. It would be going better if my body could handle running every day. My legs hurt and I'm nursing some blisters the size of dinner plates right now. Ouch. Anyone know how to stop the blisters? I have heard that putting Vaseline on your feet helps. These dang blisters are the main thing holding me back.

4. Am wigging out about money. K is moving out this weekend. I had some unexpected bills this month, and they put a dent in my checking account cushion. Guess I will have to really think about getting a roommate or 2nd job. I don't understand why I need so much money! It's ridiculous. I used to be able to live on $19,000 and now, anything less than $33,000 is like poverty to me. Then again, I have a mortgage now....which is a little more than the rent I paid when I was fresh out of college and living in a shack. Man, do I miss those $400 rent bills........

5. Hot Neighbor wants me. Maybe. Ok, maybe not. But his kids love me. They were outside playing the other day. They asked me if they could pet my dogs, so I brought them out. Then I gave the girls popsicles. They are such polite, cute little girls. (I am thinking maybe he's only got 2 kids...because I haven't seen a 3rd kid at all, really. So I'm going to have to adjust that little fact.) Wednesday Skank hasn't been over ALL WEEK. Which kicks ass. Which is why HN and I were talking in my front yard as his kids were eating my popsicles. I LOVE it when she's not around. And I bet she doesn't have popsicles in her freezer.

6.. Ok, so maybe I had on some short shorts coincidentally at the same time they were playing outside. And just maybe I was coincidentally reading a book on my front porch when he got home with kids in tow. But it wasn't really on purpose.

7. More importantly, I have not been asked out on a date of any kind since....um, October, I think. This dry spell is starting to worry me. Why are guys willing to check me out (ie, last Saturday night) but not ASK me out? Am I intimidating? Do I come off as snooty? A bitch? What? I wish someone would film me when I'm around cute guys at bars, in the gym, etc. And then I wish a panel of guys could watch the film and tell me what I'm doing wrong. Dammit, someone needs to ask me out before I resort to online dating again. Gah, that was hell. Also see here and here. Hmmm....it sure does make for good blogging material, though....

8. WHY does this video clip make me giggle like a little kid? Why is it so freaking funny to me?? Dubya isn't acting any stupider than usual.

9. I think Toby needs to be on Ritalin. Seriously, the dog is nuts. He is full of anxiety. He makes laps around the house all. day. long. He acts like he's looking for something, when in reality, there is nothing there. It's almost like he doesn't know what to do with himself, so he just makes laps or pretends to be looking for stuff. He is convinced that his toy is under the couch at all times, when all the toys are out in the middle of the floor. I have even tilted the couch back so he could go under it, only to find nothing. When I put the couch back down, he still dug at it and whined like his toy was under it. The dog is smoking crack. [VB stops and visualizes Toby with crack pipe sticking out of his mouth.] I don't know if he's just not used to my house yet, or if he's not used to being inside....but I wish he would stop. I mean, it's not a big deal during the day, but by 11:00pm, it gets old. Even Sammy looks at me, and I can tell by the look on his face that he is annoyed by Toby. I have to crate Toby at night, because he will get up in the middle of the night and bark and make laps, which wakes me up. Anyone familiar with this problem? Any advice?

10. I have got to do something about my cable bill. Because $125/month is killing me. I'm calling tomorrow and getting rid of DVR (which I never use and which doesn't work properly anyway) and HBO On Demand (which I love love love -- *sniff!*). Back to basic cable for me. Then I am going to investigate some other Internet options. Right now my cable company charges me $44/month. I am not interested in dial-up or high-speed dial-up. My computer is slow enough as it is. So People PC and NetZero are out for me. I don't have a land line phone, anyway, so those options wouldn't really save me any money. Hmmmm....maybe I will give DirecTV a call. They do Internet now. Anyone have any ideas/advice for this?? And no, I don't have a laptop, in case you are wondering. I wish I did. We have sooooo many free hotspots here in town. Some of them are even outside, which would be sooooo nice this time of year. Get a drink, grab a cafe table....ahhhh. Bliss.

11. I have umpteen recipes I need to post on Virginia Cooks (my other blog--see sidebar). Shoot. For some reason, I only remember this when I am at work, not at home, where my recipes are. I will let everyone know when I do so.

12. From the "Things That Keep Me Awake at Night" file, I bring you this news story. Only in SC could something this backwards and sick occur. Seriously. I mean, I love living here, but stuff like this doesn't happen ANYWHERE else. It's stuff like this that makes this state the butt of all those Redneck/Hick/Inbred jokes. And aside from the disgusting man who did this, I am also bothered by the fact that NINE year olds are MENSTRUATING.

13. Gwen Stefani is playing in Charlotte on May 12. Do I want to spend the money on this? I am a HUGE fan. I saw No Doubt once, and it was probably the best concert I've ever been to. Hmmm...I'm thinking I will have to just find the money for a ticket...

Monday, April 23, 2007

#19 -- You can settle bets with friends. MJ and I were debating on whether or not grits were made from the entire cob or just the kernels. She said cob, I said kernels. Found out this morning: kernels only. The cobs are good for nothing other than making them into corncob pipes. I win. Woot!

#24 -- You can really stalk people. Today, in about 5 seconds, I learned Hot Neighbor's last name, his ex-wife's name, the date of their marriage and their former address. I learned that he moved in only 6 months before I did AND he paid about $7k less for his house than I did, although our homes are identical. I also learned how old he is -- 32. If I wanted to take the time to do so, I know how to go downtown and look up their divorce record, wedding announcement and maybe some other stuff. But that is much more effort than I'm willing to invest. Especially since he's probably interested in me for the sole reason that I can babysit for him. (Thanks to my straight hairdresser for being oh-so-certain that's what HN wanted that one time.)

Speaking of HN, let me tell you about Wednesday Skank (WS). She showed up at his house on Saturday evening, wearing a black dress with a hem so short she probably could not bend over in the dress. Seriously, y'all, she looked like a hooker. I mean, I like short skirts on occasion, but this one made me blush on her behalf. Paired with red stilettos, she looked trashy. I'm thinking now that she could be a stripper.

Then again, maybe the fact that I wear jeans all the time is why he's out with her and not me...

But you know what? She's just some stupid bimbo. He's probably using her to rub it in his ex's face or something. Maybe he's having an early mid-life crisis. Who knows. But I can say that if she keeps coming over to his house every day, he's going to get sick of her pretty quick. I don't care how lonely you are, everyone needs space.

Guess I will just sit back and wait for their relationship to implode. Then I can swoop in and make him fall madly in love with me.

Although, do I want to date someone who's into girls like that to begin with? Hmmm. Dunno.

Friday night I hung out with MJ and we made quite the pub crawl -- I think we hit 5 bars, plus late-night pizza before heading home. The good news was, we discovered a cool new bar. Gotta love that. While we were there, I did talk to one guy, and although cute, he wasn't funny or smart. He gave me his number, but I will never call him. Funny is a must-have.

I chopped my hair off on Saturday. Not completely, just shoulder-length. With some long bangs and layers that like to fall in my face. I am loving the new 'do. It's very freeing. It moves a lot. And based on my experiences Saturday night when I went out, it's also a hit with guys. I don't know why, but I had about 3 different guys approach me. Maybe it was the low-cut satin tank top....Not much to write home about, but it's good for the ol' ego. Woot!

Wait, I take that back. One of them was cute, but he had some serious cock-blockage issues. He was out at the bars with a man who was about 60-65. Now, some wing-women can deal with talking to a senior citizen while her girl chats with a guy. But not many. Most girls I know would struggle, feel awkward, escape to the bathroom and give me a hard time about it later. Besides, I don't really want to be that friend who pawns off old men on her friends so she can give a guy her number in a few minutes. I had no choice but to politely blow him off. (Any opinions on this decision? I have never really been in that situation before. I mean, talking to another wingman is one thing, but a grandpa? Just seems creepy and awkward. I felt bad putting my friend in that position. Keep in mind this old guy didn't seem to have much personality. He just kinda stood there.)

Sunday I went to dinner with MJ and got to meet her parents, who are in town this week. I managed to make a total ass out of myself by going off on the Post Office, when everyone started laughing at me. It turns out that Mr. Jane is....a mailman. Yeah. Great first impression. Luckily, he has the same wonderful sense of humor as his daughter, and it was all taken in stride. WHEW.

After dinner, we all got in our respective cars and met up at an ice cream parlor. The best parking spot just happened to be right in front of a picnic table full of hottie firemen. They were all eating ice cream. Their fire truck was parked across the street. [Insert single girl, Backdraft-style fireman/ice cream fantasy here.]

I know you are expecting me to have some kind of cool, exciting story here, but true to form, I completely chickened out. I think I made a half-assed attempt at smiling at them, but basically choked and just crossed the street to the ice cream parlor. What can I say?? I can handle maybe 2 hottie firemen at a table. But 5? Unh-unh. No way. That is ultra-intimidating. I totally freaked and bolted. Mmmm...that's hot.

Ugh, I should be ashamed of myself. Especially since I caught them smiling at me. They definitely wanted me to talk to them. WHY do I chicken out at the MOST opportune times??? Aaaargh. I do this with HN, too. I am a doofus. No wonder I am alone.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Getting to know all about me....(are you singing the song yet? ha ha!)

I was lucky enough to be double-tagged today. I guess that means I've been tag teamed? LOL

Ah, being a pervert is fun. What do non-pervs do for a laugh?

I love being tagged because...well, who doesn't? I'm thinking this is my reward from the Blog-gods for catching up on a bunch of blogs this week.

First, I am being interviewed by Fluffycat. She asks 5 questions, I have to answer them. Those are the meme's rules. And you know how I feel about rules. Here we go.

1. If you could choose to have a weekend passionate fling with Julian McMahon or a million dollars tax free, which would you choose?

Wow. This is a very tough call. Can I ask for references from his ex-girlfriends before deciding? Because if he doesn't know what he's doing in the sack, then that would just be a waste of time. Then again, he could just lie there.... Hmmm...I'm going to have to go with the moola. As totally kick-ass as that would be, I could really use the money! I have a mortgage now. People own my ass. Sorry, Julian. You will have to settle for more of my dreams where you feature prominently as a sexual object. Hey, wait, if I had a million dollars, I bet I could figure out how to meet him in person anyway...SUH-WEET! I am all about having my cake and eating it, too.

2.What is one book you think every woman should read?

OMG. I have no clue. And I'm a librarian. That is sad. I can recommend books for days, but when you limit me to books for women...There are so many different kinds of women, but I guess I am most familiar with what it's like to be a single woman. So I'm going to go with that facet of femininity. I would recommend The Rules (ooooh, and I am going to catch SO MUCH FLAK for even saying that! I can hear the comments flying in!) because I do honestly believe there is something to be said for playing hard to get. It's not about games or messing with people's minds. It's about self-respect. And whenever I don't follow The Rules, I regret it, every time.

3. What color would your bridesmaid dresses be if you were getting married in June?

Ok, this question made me laugh out loud. It's a good thing I wasn't drinking anything because I probably would have snorted it. This question is equivalent to asking Paris Hilton when she plans on going to med school: Why would you even bother asking this? It's never going to happen. Anyway, I digress. Knowing me, it would be pink. Probably like a fuchsia color, because I think that is the most fun color ever, which my bridesmaids would HATE wearing. So I'd have to change it. Maybe a two-tone dress, combining coral pink and baby pink. But I also like aqua sort of shades, greens like this and maybe a khaki/navy combo. (I saw a wedding once where the bridesmaids wore khaki, and it looked fantastic next to the white wedding gown and bright flowers. And navy and white also look great, IMHO.) So the short answer is: I have no freaking idea. Definitely not red or black. Just not me.

4. What is the first thing you notice when you meet an attractive man?

Ok, so we've established that he's attractive. Woo-hoo! A hottie! Jackpot! Ok, not necessarily. Let me think...probably his level of confidence. After that, brains, and after that, sense of humor. Followed up by a zest for life and kindness. If there's chemistry, too, it's time to place your bets on when he and I will be sucking face.

5. What celebrity are you sick of hearing about?

Ugh, at this point, Anna Nicole Smith. Why is she still in the news??? Let her poor, sad soul rest. And I think all those relatives and friends of hers who have come out of the woodwork and seem to be eying her money should be ashamed of themselves.

I'm not going to say Paris because that girl is like a train wreck -- I want to see just how bad it gets. And I'm not going to say Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears, because I am secretly hoping they both get their acts together and have major comebacks.

WOW. That was really fun. Thanks, Fluffycat! Wanna be interviewed by yours truly? Here are the rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Meme #2 of the day is courtesy of Vixen over on Mysterious Meander. (Yes, this is the same blogger who writes Bad Girl's Guide, in case you are wondering.)

I think I'm supposed to explain 5-10 goals I have, and then tag some more people to do the same. Here goes.

1. Learn more. I loooooove learning new stuff. I wish I could be a college student forever. There are so many classes I want to take: history, Italian, drawing, art history, more German, painting, sculpture, Russian, world religions, psychology, criminology, epidemiology, cooking, creative writing, British literature....luckily, I can take one class per semester for free. Woot! I might be taking a German class with MJ soon, actually. We were talking about doing that. I'd better get on the ball if I'm going to be fluent in 5 languages before I croak.

2. Find a career that I truly love. I have been working on this for a long time, and it's been a constant battle for me, as my passions lie in career paths which do not pay well. And it's hard to enjoy your wonderfully fulfilling job if you're terrified of your bills. If you want the complete story, I have posted about this in this post. (Heads up: it's a very long post!)

3. Have kids. Notice I do not say anything about having a husband. Yes, it would be peachy keen if I had someone other than my mother to call when I have good news. And a guaranteed resource for sex-on-demand would also be fantastic. But I could do it on my own. I can see myself doing the whole single-mom thing. I doubt I'd ever go the sperm bank route, though. Just personal reasons. I mean, why have labor if you don't have to? If I hit 35 and have no hubby, I'm going to start looking into becoming a foster parent. Having kids in my life is something which would make me feel incredibly fulfilled. And I think the foster care system in this country is effed up beyond belief, so I'd like to make a difference, even if it's only with one child.

4. Travel more! This is going to be my next New Year's Resolution, I can tell. I love traveling and I haven't been out of the country since December 2000. There is nothing like traveling to make you learn about yourself and the world as a whole. It gives you a new perspective on life. Sounds cheesy, but it really does. And there are so many wonderful places to go!! On my list of stateside spots: Vegas, NYC, Miami, New Orleans, Texas and California. Abroad, I'm thinking the Caribbean, Ireland, Britain, Scotland, Germany, Russia, Prague, Thailand.....wherever, really!

5. Be better with money! That means saving, paying off debt, making sure my retirement plans are okie dokie, learning more about how to invest wisely, understanding how to save money on my taxes....you name it. I'm cheap in some ways, but for the most part, I'm a spender. Not something I'm super proud of. I'd like to change that. (Also, if I start saving money, I can do #4, so this one is a double-whammy).

6. Make more memories with my family. It's terrible to say, but you never truly appreciate your family until you lose a member. When I think about all the times I could have talked to my dad or my brother and chose to watch tv or talk to a friend instead, it just kills me. I could have been really bonding with them in ways far beyond quick small talk at the dinner table. I want to take trips, have more inside jokes, more phone calls and just generally be there for my siblings and Mom. Much more than I have been. Don't get me wrong -- my family is miles from where we used to be. Now my brothers and I call each other about once a month and catch up. And I just love that. But the whole seeing each other only at Christmas? I really want to change that. It might mean moving back to Virginia eventually, I don't know.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

A) my cold that won't go away *cough! hack! sniff*B) the fact that Toby woke me up at 5:15 this morning to bark at nothing, then jump on my face and stick his tongue up my noseC) how Hot Neighbor seems about as interested in me as he does the salmon he rejectedD) my hormonally-influenced state of mind which is 98% positive I will never go on a date again and will instead wither up and die alone, with no one other than my mother and dogs to mourn meE) what on earth I'm going to do when K moves out in 10 days, as this will leave me in somewhat of a financially challenging situation.

However, due to

A) the tragedy at Virginia TechB) the war in the Middle EastC) my deep desire to retain my readersD) the hatred I possess for feelings of self-loathingE) my recent discovery that one of my ex-boyfriends is dating a girl who makes him wear bow-ties that match the fabric of her dress (I'll let you guess as to who I'm referring to), a concept that makes me snort with laughter

I feel today is just not a good day to whine about my life. So this post will instead consist of warm fuzzy feelings, butterflies, laughing babies, glitter and unicorns. With sprinkles on top and spirit fingers to boot.

Ok, not so much. But this is a Whine-Free-Zone. Time to suck it up, Chuck. It ain't that bad. Everything will work out just fine, yadda yadda. Among my favorite ways to feel better about myself are to

A) watch Courtv -- no matter how bad my life is, at least I didn't get arrested todayB) eat ice creamC) do something nice for other peopleD) exerciseE) bitchF) do something productive

"E" is just not an option today, as already discussed. My entire upper body is currently reminding me how I have already checked off choice "D" from this list -- thank you, Tuesday Night Meathead Weight Class Instructor Man. "A" and "B" can be taken care of after dinner tonight. Which leaves me with "C" and "F". Oh wait, I'm blogging. That definitely doesn't fall under the "F" category. I am left with "C".

CMK emailed me the other day to inform me that she has nominated me for a Thinking Blogger Award. Aww, so sweet. I am very flattered. And confused. Mostly because there is very little thinking involved in my blog writing. I usually just kind of log on and the crap starts spewing from my brain. Better descriptors for my blog would be

So the deal is, now I have to nominate 5 people for this award. Which is difficult, as I try my best to read about 85 different blogs at last count. (So in case you are wondering, this is why I will comment-bomb you once every 2 months, and then will seemingly disappear on your ass! Ah! Lightbulb! Yeah, so spare me the guilt trip, alright?) In keeping with the theme of this award (and I am a girl who is both a rules-follower AND a lover of all things themed), these are the blogs which make me think about stuff. I will catch myself pondering their writing while driving, showering or walking on the treadmill at the gym. And let me tell ya what -- to get my somewhat ADD-frazzled mind to be thinking about something more than once in a day is quite a feat for any writer! Without further ado:

But this will hurt people's feelings!Maybe you should just say thanks to CMK and just conveniently "forget" to nominate!The main reason you read most blogs is because they are funny, not because they make you think! You are unqualified to make this call! A call that will hurt people's feelings, no less!Perhaps you can break just this one, tiny rule and nominate everyone?

Shut it, brain! Stop thinking! Just do the assignment and be done with it! No one is going to hate you for this. Ok? Ok. *ahem* In alphabetical order:

1. Awkward Things I Say to Girls -- because Justin gives me a peek into the male mind...and I am starting to think I understand men. Ok, who am I kidding. But I did just use the word "think" when talking about this blog, so yeah. That counts.

2. Anne's blog -- Um, I need Anne to help me with this one, because I can't remember if she is keeping it a secret or not....her anonymity was discovered, so she changed the URL, and I don't know if her blog is secret now or what...anyway, I will not link to it here until I get her permission. My point is, Anne has cancer and she is wicked awesome. She has opened my eyes to what it's like to have major health problems, the delicious flavor combination that is artificial grape flavoring and pickles AND keeps reminding me of how wonderful life can be, even when it seemingly sucks. Now THAT is food for thought. I love you, Anne. I think about you all the time. You just don't know it. But if you looked outside your living room window, you would see me with binoculars, watching you from across the street. Kidding.

3. Gaijin Girl -- she is a newlywed, and she and her hubs are spending their first year of marriage living in Japan, teaching English to Japanese people. So. Cool. And inspiring. This blog makes me think about what it would be like to do that. And kinda makes me want to do it! Only, sans husband, obviously. Maybe I could bring Sammy...? (No, I am not kidding, actually. I have always wanted to do that. And the older I get, the more appealing this idea sounds to me...shhh! Don't tell my little sister, Smurf. She would cry. Don't be surprised if I up and move to Russia one day, peeps. You have been warned.)

4. Jennster -- Is this one a cop-out because it's so popular? Whatever, I don't care. These are MY picks, people! MINE! Ster is (almost) married to a wonderful man, and she has a little boy. She is the coolest -- funny, smart, passionate and silly. Who doesn't like her blog?? Probably crack smokers. That's about all I can come up with. Maybe the Pope. I don't really see him being into it, either. Sorry, Ster. She gives me a glimpse into what it's like to be a mom, which is a pretty outrageous daydream for me, considering the current state of my love life. She pretty much covers all kinds of thinking situations: Mom issues, wedding issues, family issues, friends issues, work issues, being a woman issues, politics......you never know what you're gonna get over there. But you will get lots of things that make you think. Or snort your drink through your nose. It depends.

5. Ok, I really wanted to put Postsecret in this slot, as it is probably THE Thinking Blogger Blog, but I don't think the guy who runs it has time to nominate other people. So due to his EXTREME popularity and busy lifestyle, he has unwittingly eliminated himself from this sort of thing. Too bad, so sad. What a drawback for having what is probably the #1 blog on the internet. Besides Dooce, maybe. And I don't read that blog, so obviously she's out, too. Instead, in this slot I will place....I will place.....crap, this is hard. You see, most of the blogs I read are read because they make me laugh, like Kevin Charnas or Sam's Stories. See, they think up the funny stuff, I just laugh at it. There's not really any thinking involved when you are laughing at fart stories. A lot of the other blogs I read are for my own sanity, ie, they remind me that I am not the only 28 year old woman who is still single (THANK YOU, Charming, MJ, BCOL and all the other single girl bloggers out there!).

Wow, how's that for stalling??

Instead, I will have to put The Bad Girl's Guide here in slot #5. Crap, now it's no longer an alphabetical list. Dangit, I am not fixing that problem. You just have to let some things go. Oh, so Bad Girl's Guide. Yes. Vixen writes fantastic columns (posts? I dunno, they read like columns) about all things relationship-oriented. And she's always spot-on in her advice. Her topics are timely, she's not afraid to bring up taboo topics (which really appeals to the pervert in me) and she just reeks of womanly confidence and power. She shoots from the hip and is very fair in her views. *sigh* Women like her make me proud to be in the same gender.

Alright, peeps. I know that the people I just nominated read my blog every day (RIGHT???? Because it kicks ass!!!) so they need to follow these steps now before I mail them their brain-shaped statuette of genuine gold plastic, which has a retail value of approximately $8.95:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote (here is an alternative silver version if gold doesn't fit your blog)

If you were not nominated, please do not go home and cry into your pillow, because

A) this causes me to feel the horrible urge to make fun of you and/or beat you to a bloody pulp for being a wussB) if I didn't like your blog, I would not read it in the first placeC) this meme is currently going around at about the same rate as the common cold, and I'm sure someone will soon nominate you. I mean, I was nominated, for Pete's sake. Come on. Obviously not the most stringent list of qualificatons. Be patient, little one.D) There were only 5 slots. FIVE. I read a LOT of blogs, people.E) I didn't feel comfortable nominating blogs of people I know/practically know in real life, as I thought it might look bad/biased. Likewise, I didn't nominate the blogs that serve mainly to entertain me with hilarious stories. This isn't a popularity contest, it's a nomination for stuff that makes me think. So stop crying and smile because this means either 1) you are lucky enough to know me in real life, or at least know what I look like 2) you are extremely funny

And now that my obsessive list-making has reached a new level of absurdity, I will say goodbye for today.

* This is my oh-so-subtle attempt at getting my readers to submit optimistic stories about how they didn't meet their spouses until they were 32 and cynical and guarded and overweight and had totally given up all hope of ever finding true love before they were 6 feet under, only to randomly find the love of their life hiding under a rock, inexplicably, and now they are living happily ever after and would like to share their story and remind me that hanging myself over a curtain rod is not the only solution to my problem, but instead I should start looking under some rocks. Or begin to write sentences that are not run-ons. *ahem*

Monday, April 16, 2007

So, I am having MAJOR cabin fever today. I called in sick and have been at home all. day. long. And I really am sick (bad cold), so I would feel guilty going anywhere, even though now, at dinnertime, I am feeling a little better. I would really like to go to Target and Petsmart, actually.....but alas, the guilt is stopping me. That and the fact that putting my contacts in and makeup on at this point in the day sounds like entirely too much work.

I haven't talked to anyone today, either, other than a brief conversation with The Czarina, so I am starved for human contact. Hence, post #2 for today. If I can't talk to anyone in real life, I might as well talk to myself in the virtual world.

My hormones are raging. And not in the 13 year-old boy way. I am poster child for PMS. Don't worry, male readers, I'm not going into gory detail. Sheesh. But I am giving examples of my hormone-induced behavior:

1. Yelling at my dogs for wanting me to throw their squeaky toy AGAIN. (Right, because they are doing it to annoy me....In reality, we all know they are just being dogs.) Seriously, my dogs have no idea that they are risking their lives by whining and nudging me right now. Their toy is under the desk, they can't reach it and I do NOT feel like getting it for the 813th time. There needs to be a Canine Homicide Prevention Hotline. Like 1-800-SAV-FIDO or something. I would call it right now.

2. It is taking every ounce of my willpower right now to NOT get up, turn on the oven, and bake a chocolate cake, frost it with chocolate icing and eat the whole goddamn thing before I go to bed. It is terrifying to me how delicious that sounds. I want chocolate cake more than anything in the whole world right now. Every cell in my body is crying out for it.

3. When my alarm went off this morning, I felt like I had been drugged. Seriously, my body was like, "Whaaaa??? Awake??? You must be kidding. We just got hit by a mack truck and then someone put roofies in the diet coke last night. Anything in a vertical position is totally out of the question at this time. Try again at, say, noon."

Then again, it could have been the Nyquil. Nyquil effs me up pretty bad.

Excuse me while I bludgeon my pets with my shoe.....ok, back.

No, I didn't hit my dogs. I got the stupid blue ball for them. Jaysus their lives revolve around having access to the "right" toy. The red squeaky is apparently "so" early afternoon. At 8pm, they want the blue ball. Nothing else will do. Aaaaaargh.

Where was I? Oh yes, Nyquil.

So I don't think I'm going to take it tonight. I will just toss and turn and cough. Because I really don't like that drugged feeling in the morning, and the dreams are getting very VERY strange. Not bad, just weird.

Nyquil Dream #1: I dreamt I sold my cute, little new house and bought a BIG, old, beat up '70s Tudor-style ranch. How very Brady Bunch of me. Anyway, the house needed a LOT of work done to it, but this decision made total sense to me for some reason, despite the fact that the vast majority of the interior was dark wood paneling. The majority of the dream involved my explaining the decision to several people -- friends, family, coworkers -- and them all agreeing with me. Apparently, Dream VB has some fantastic persuasive skills. I was attempting to throw a housewarming party in this P.O.S. house as I was convincing everyone this was a great idea.

Nyquil Dream #2: I was with a group of people (I can't remember exactly who, but I think my little sister and MJ were there) and we were in this sort of mall/theme park place. Imagine an indoor theme park. Which looks like a mall. I told you it was weird. So we are in an ice cream parlor, enjoying some frozen treats, when I excuse myself from the rest of the group to use the bathroom. I walk into the bathroom.....to find not a regular American public restroom, but a large room which serves as someone's home theater. Only this person must be a kid, because it's decorated with bean bag chairs and bright colors--very kiddie sort of decorating style. There are at least a dozen tiers of seating levels, each level having 3-4 purple couches and a couple of bean bag chairs on it. So this room seats like 200 people. And the seating goes from floor to ceiling, so the room is very tall. I'd say the height would be about 50 feet or so. So, I have totally forgotten that I have to pee because I'm just staring in awe of this room. I turn around, expecting to see some kind of gigantic movie screen for the movies. I was disappointed to find only a 33" television set, embedded into the wall. Woe to the people who are sitting at the back of the room! "Well, that's a crappy tv for a room like this," I thought. Then I went to find the bathroom. It was just a half bath. How ironic, considering the number of people the room can hold.

Oh, I have a Hot Neighbor update. Well, not so much as an update as more depressing evidence that things are never going to happen between us and I will wither away into an old lady, living alone with her dogs and lusting after her even older wheelchair-bound neighbor. In 30 years, he and I will probably still be having awkward conversations in the driveways, the only difference is that we will be sharing stories of our arthritis or the latest AARP news, rather than our weekend plans. *sigh*

Ok, I have a point, I promise. So I decided to make some salmon this past weekend (I promise I will post the recipe on Virginia Cooks). I was craving it and I really felt like cooking. I invited MJ and KT over to eat with me. KT couldn't go, so I had an extra piece of salmon. I began to cook it anyway, and since it was nice outside, I had my front windows open. I heard HN come home. Then I heard lots of commotion and the voices of little children. I went out to my front porch (see? I'm trying!) to find him playing with a puppy and talking to his two little girls. Too cute. The puppy looked like a fluffy black cotton ball and was about the size of my hand. Awwww. Even cuter. I asked him about the puppy. It turns out his ex-wife had bought it and he was dog-sitting for her. So he had kids and a puppy for the weekend. He wasn't too happy about it. He made a comment about how the puppy was tearing up his house. I offered to let him borrow some carpet spray, and he gladly took me up on the offer.

I came back out with the spray, handed it to him and told him that I had some extra salmon if he was interested (see? I'm trying!). He said that sounded great, but he wished I had told him earlier. I said I could make up a plate and bring it over. Just then, a pizza delivery guy pulled up to his house. "Yeah, I just ordered a pizza. But thanks anyway! I'll bring the spray back over later."

Can you believe he would rather eat crappy Domino's rather than baked salmon with a homemade, spicy citrus sauce??? WTF??? I mean, pizza can be eaten later. It keeps for days. It's great for breakfast. What guy would rather eat pizza than a homecooked meal served up by a cute (if I do say so myself) next-door neighbor??? Total bullshit, if you ask me.

I don't even think he knows my name. Yesterday, he was leaving to go somewhere and he said, "Hey, Neighbor!" Aaargh. Why do I waste my time even thinking about him? It's time to accept the fact that it's never going to happen.

I am doomed to live and die alone. It's just not going to happen for me. Soon, I will be at that age where all my relatives start asking me, "So, Virginia, why aren't you married?" and I can reply with, "Because no one has ever asked me." Waaaaaaaah! Woe is me!!!!!!

I have been having thoughts like this since Saturday. More evidence (Example #4, actually) of how freaking hormonal I am right now. I always have absurdly negative thoughts when I'm PMSing.

Maybe when K moves out at the end of the month, I can just start walking around my house totally naked and "accidentally" leave the blinds up. You think he'd remember my name then? LOL

In other boy news....the Rat Pack has invited me, MJ and KT to visit them. Woot!! I guess they take an annual trip up to Vermont and hang out at a lakehouse every summer. Usually, it's guys only, but I guess we are so cool, we made the cut this year. So we are going up sometime later this summer--June or July. And no, I don't know if The Magician is going or not. That's not why I'm going. Besides, he's also on the list of Men Who are Obviously Not Interested in Me.

Dammit, that list is getting long. Luckily, I don't have to put Julian McMahon on there, because he doesn't know me. So technically speaking, he could be extremely interested in me and not even know it. Sweet.

Oh crap. Haven't told you about my weekend yet. Let's see. Not super eventful. Friday night I was at this very nasty, beat up old bar, full of old people who were shagging. Seriously, it smelled like an ashtray in there and we were the only people in the bar not receiving social security checks in the mail. It was on the way to the next place we had to go, and E wanted a drink ASAP, so we went there first. E got into an argument with an old guy, which was pretty funny. She was getting belligerent almost. I didn't feel well for most of the night, and ended up going home pretty early.

Saturday night I went bowling with MJ, my friend Mr. Bill and a bunch of other people. The bowling balls were greased up with something, which of course, led to several jokes and much giggling. I suck at bowling. I think I bowled like a 39 on the first game. (I think this was the first time I've gone bowling in at least 5 years, so cut me some slack!) I did get 2 strikes on the next game, though. Just had to warm up, you know.

The rest of the weekend was spent watching tv on my couch, because I felt like crap most of the time. I saw the CUTEST movie ever. And if you have kids, they can watch it with you, because it's rated PG. It's called Little Manhattan and it's about a 5th grade boy who falls in love with this little girl in his karate class. Seriously, this movie is too cute. Plus, it has the actress who plays Miranda on "Sex and the City" in it. Love her.

I wish I wasn't sick right now so I could go to the gym. I am ready to lose more weight. I have been stuck at 15 pounds for like a month now. But I didn't feel well all last week, either--my cold actually started last week. I can feel the fat creeping back on....which I guess means it wouldn't be THAT big of a deal if I went out and got one little piece of chocolate cake real quick...this place called Rush's (a local fast food chain) has this thing called a Hot Fudge Cake. There is ice cream involved. It's pretty damn good. And I really need to get outside of these four walls.....

Well, I am home sick today. I have a pretty bad cold. It's been coming on for a few days, and now it's full-blown. I have felt terrible for 2 days.

I was going to share some of my bizarre Nyquil dreams with y'all today, but in light of the recent tragedy, I can't really think about anything else. I don't normally blog about news stories or current events or topics like that, but today's news hit kind of close to home.

At the time I'm typing this, the current fatality count at Virginia Tech is 32. I am very blessed that no one I know attends or works at Virginia Tech. I don't even know anyone in Blacksburg. My heart goes out to everyone there, working hard to figure out what happened and coming to grips with this tragedy. I know the community will come together to support everyone involved.While no one in my family attended Virginia Tech (The Belles are hard-core UVA fans -- to be a Hokie would get you shunned in my family!), the campus is located about an hour from my hometown, so this hit pretty close to home for me. I almost feel like it happened in my hometown.

I called The Czarina just now, since she works at home and doesn't usually turn on the news during the day. She had already heard about it and then informed me about the college in my hometown, where a group of students was just busted for selling cocaine. This is totally crazy to me. (Partially because the vast majority of the students who attend this school are very wealthy and don't exactly need drug money in the first place!) What is going on at Virginia college campuses this week???

I've got CNN on in the background as I'm writing this, and they just announced that they think the shooter at Va Tech was a male Asian with two guns. There are conflicting stories as far as whether or not he was a student at Va Tech. And they just said that this is the largest number of fatalities in any shooting spree in American history. Unbelievable. It makes no sense to me why someone would take their anger out on total strangers. I mean, talk to someone, get help. Don't kill people!! Take some happy pills and get a therapist, like everyone else does! Smoke some weed or take up kickboxing. Gah, it's not like there aren't things you can do to blow off steam here in America. I just can't comprehend how someone gets to the point where they think this is the solution to their problems. It's very sad and troubling. I mean, what goes through their minds???

Can you imagine just going to class on a Monday morning, all tired and hung over from the weekend, just listening to a lecture, taking notes....when suddenly, someone busts into the room and starts shooting you?? Holy freaking cow. I can't imagine how scared they must have been or how terrible the scene must have been. Horrible. It must have been nothing but terror and mass confusion all day there. People jumping from 2nd story windows to escape. No one should ever have to live like that. It's incomprehensible, almost.

They are talking on the news now about how for the past 2 weeks, there have been bomb threats on the Virginia Tech campus. They said that one theory about that is, the shooter may have been making false bomb threats to watch the security's reaction to a campus scare. This is terrifying that someone would go to such a level of observation and research to determine how easy it would be for them to kill a bunch of innocent people.

What everyone keeps bringing up is how the first round of shootings happened at about 7:15. But they didn't cancel classes, so everyone was in class when the 2nd round of shootings happened 2 hours later. This is totally ludicrous. You have a killer on the loose, and campus is still going strong??? Whaaaaa? I think they said the campus was on lockdown after the 7:15 shootings, but apparently this doesn't mean classes are canceled, because the second round of shootings happened in a classroom full of students. Which begs for explanation, if you ask me. I'm sure things will become much clearer in the next few days, but right now, this seems pretty stupid to me. I hope I am misunderstanding what I've heard so far, because if I were a parent of a Va Tech student, and I heard that they don't shut down campus when a shooter is on the loose, then I'd be making some very angry phone calls. Probably to my lawyer.

And also, I guess last August, on the first day of fall classes, there was an escaped convict on the loose on campus. I really hope they took a good look at their security on campus after that just happened a few months ago. I really hope they didn't just say, "Oh well!" and go back to business as usual. I hope the school can say that once that scare happened, they had more training and took a good look at how to conduct campus security in the future. It seems authorities had plenty of warning and opportunities for practice and training before this happened today. It makes me worry about the state of other schools across the country. Most schools haven't had any scares even close to this. Let's hope they take to heart the difficult lessons Virginia Tech had to learn the hard way.

4. Are you one of those weird people like me who likes it when people tell you what to write about? If so, this site gives you 365 writing prompts -- one for every day of the year! If that sounds a little too limiting to you, maybe you would like to try a 6 Word Story. According to the article, Hemingway's favorite story he ever wrote consisted of only 6 words: "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." -- Neat, huh?

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

I am blogging from home. I don't feel well, so I left work early today. I think I'm getting a cold, thanks to the rapidly fluctuating weather (50 degrees one day, 85 the next) lately and the buckets of pollen coating everything here in a Chee-to-like dust. Throw in some stress in my personal life, and you have the perfect cocktail for an instant, sicky feeling. Blech.

In between coughs, I have been napping all day, so now I'm wired. Hacking up a lung and wired. Thank God for Hall's Fruit Breezers cough drops, though. Have y'all tried these things? They ROCK if your throat is scratchy and irritated. Mmmm...and they taste good. Not all menthol-y like the other ones.

Before you stop reading this ultra-boring post, I do have one thing to ask my readers. I recently found out that although this year is the 10th anniversary of my high school graduation, there are NO plans in the works for our reunion. I am kind of miffed, as I probably would have gone. But at the same time, part of me isn't even interested in going. Makes no sense, I know. There is a rumor that a small group of people are scrambling around, throwing together a far less formal get-together for this summer. So hopefully that will happen....?

My question to you is, are these things even fun? Did you go to yours? Was it lame? You think I should go if/when it happens? Please tell me your experiences in the high school reunion department. And keep in mind that my high school was basically like "Beverly Hills 90210". No exaggeration. So I don't know if going would leave me filled with envy or total annoyance. Or maybe they've all become human by this point. Who knows.

Ok, story time. This also has to do with reunions. (See, who says I bounce around topics in my posts? There are over-arching themes, people!)

The first time I heard this story, I cried. So go get your kleenex, ladies. I'll wait.

Yes, I know, it's sad, yadda yadda, but it's a good story. This is probably the saddest story I've ever heard in my whole life, btw. Except for maybe Old Yeller. Sad dog stories always trump sad people stories, in my book.

Alright, are you sufficiently mentally prepared? Good.

Time: 1945Place: Kansas City, MO

My Grandma Virginia (yes, I am named after her) was dating this guy before WWII broke out. (I think his name was Charlie?? Carl? Something with a C.) They were crazy about each other and had planned on getting married. The two families were very excited about this, as Virginia and Charlie had grown up together and the families were very close.

Then WWII happened. Charlie had to go to Europe. They decided to wait and get married until after the war. He gave her this gorgeous locket to remember him by, complete with his picture on the inside. It is a large, gold heart-shaped locket, with a mother-of-pearl cover and a delicate chain. He even got the back engraved with "From Charlie to Virginia with Love" and the date. (We still have it.) Then he left.

She was sad, but kept herself busy. One day, she stopped getting letters. Then she heard through the grapevine that he was missing in action, presumed dead. She was devastated.

So, to try and move on with her life, Virginia got a job. She moved away from home and all the bad memories in Kansas City and went out to the Seattle area and worked at the big Boeing plant there, where they were building all the planes for the war. She was a secretary at the headquarters office. One morning, she was working as usual, busy at her desk, when a very tall, thin man with blue eyes walked up to her desk, leaned over and said, "How 'bout a cup of coffee, babe?"

Virginia looked up. "I'm John S. I'm a reporter and I'm here to interview your boss. Now how 'bout that coffee?"

She smiled and got the coffee. She didn't realize it yet, but she had just met my grandfather. They were married about a year later, in January of 1945.

After the wedding, they packed up and headed to New Orleans for their honeymoon. That night, back in Kansas City, Virginia's mother got a phone call.

"Oh......alright. Sorry to bother you. Thanks," he said. Then he hung up.

My great-grandmother hung up the phone and turned to Virginia's sister, who was sitting at the table next to her. "Oh my God. I swear to God that was Charlie. He must have come home from the war. He's not dead. I know that voice," she said.

They decided never to tell Virginia that Charlie wasn't dead. They never did tell her. The only reason I know the story is because my Grandma Virginia's sister told Czarina one day after my grandma died.

Grandma never got rid of the locket. She kept it hidden in the back of her jewelry drawer and would take it out on occasion and look at it. My grandpa was always jealous of Charlie, and it would have upset him to know she kept it all those years.

I wonder what happened to Charlie, though. I'm sure he got married to someone else and led a wonderful life. But this is still the saddest story ever!

Monday, April 09, 2007

Time for me to bore you with my weekend update. Friday was another wonderful evening with the lovely Happy Hour Girls. We all caught up on our "mens" -- or in my case, lack thereof.

Saturday morning, K and I made breakfast for Navy Guy using my new griddle. We had french toast just like Czarina's, scrambled eggs and turkey bacon. (Ever had turkey bacon? Dude, it's good. Try it.) Mmmmm....every day should start with a heaping dose of fat, salt, maple syrup and orange juice. (Diet? Who's on a diet? I don't know anyone...)

Saturday afternoon, I went with MJ and KT to a car show. I didn't realize she was such a big fan of cars...too bad the show was pretty small. We did see some cool cars, though. Then, in keeping with our nostalgic theme of the day, we went to Steak n Shake. For those of you who are not familiar with this restaurant, let me send you some virtual sympathy. You poor, poor thing. Get in your car and drive to the nearest one. Whadda ya mean it's 8 hours away? I said go. Don't worry, you will forget all about the drive as soon as you get a long, cool sip of one of their hand-scooped milkshakes. Mmmmm....

MJ and KT had never been, so I had to enlighten them. It's a 1950s-style burger/fries/shake kind of chain restaurant. I love them because:

1. They have fantastic milkshakes.2. Their burgers have crispy edges and lots of big pickles.3. Their chili is awesome on a cold day.4. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And now they take Visa.

They are everywhere in Indiana (sort of like how there's a Waffle House on every corner in SC), so going there always takes me back to Friday nights in high school, when every teenager in a 15 mile radius would descend on the poor staff of the local Steak n Shake. In college, I would meet up with friends there to talk and smoke for hours on end. So I have a lot of great Steak n Shake memories. They don't exist in Virginia, so I was very excited to see one when I moved here. I am the envy of my family, to be exact. The Belle family loves S&S.

After gorging ourselves on burgers and milkshakes (diet? what diet?), we hit some thrift stores. After looking at old furniture that looked like something from Grandma's house, we discovered a box of (get this) 8 tracks! I can't even remember the last time I have seen one. I think I was about 7 years old.

I ended up falling asleep on my couch on Saturday night -- wow, how exciting. I watched Best in Show before passing out, though. It was very disappointing. There are a couple of characters I liked (the gay couple and the yuppie couple were hysterical), but otherwise, this movie was lame.

Sunday, I cleaned the disgusting pig-hole known as my house. I cleaned all. day. long. I think I went through about 15 sheets on my lint roller. (It's dog hair city at my place.) I watched Mean Girls as I cleaned. I had forgotten how funny that movie is! By dinnertime, I was too tired to make anything and too grungy to go out to eat. So K and I got a pizza. (Diet? I don't know what you're talking about.) Well, eventually, anyway. It turns out, my house is located in the only part of town that Papa John's won't deliver to. If you go 15 minutes in any direction from my house, you can get to a Papa John's. But none of them will deliver to my house. I don't live in a bad neighborhood, just outside of their little delivery area. I thought this was bulls--t, and I *ahem* said so. Because, last I checked, pizza delivery guys could use the money. And I would swear on all things holy that they have delivered to my house before. But whatever. I just drove up to the Domino's around the corner, waited 10 minutes (for a far inferior, yet cheaper, take-out pizza) and got over it.

But Papa is on my list, now. He'd better be glad I don't have any mafia connections.

I haven't told you about my dream I had! Ok, it's so sad to say this, but it was practically the highlight of my weekend.

I had a dream that I had sex with Julian McMahon!!!! Yeah! It was awesome. Well, ok, I think it was awesome. I don't remember the actual sex part. (Maybe it was so good, my memory just couldn't handle it? And so it blocked it out??) My recollection starts when he gets up to go take a shower after we do it. I am removing my clothes (yeah, I don't get it either--maybe we had been too into it to bother with clothing removal?), telling him I'll be joining him in the shower in just a second (RAWR!) when I look over at his dresser.

There's a thing of woman's deodorant sitting on the dresser. And it's not mine. The asshole is toodense/arrogant to even hide the most obvious piece of evidence of another woman.

That's the end of the dream -- me, naked, holding some other woman's deodorant.

How sad is it that I even have cynical dreams???? *sigh*

Ok, enough fooling around. I know why you're here. You are expecting some kind of Hot Neighbor update, aren't you? Something about lasagna, or me doing some weeding in my front yard, wearing nothing but a bikini. You want me to say that he and I had wild, hot, dirty monkey sex on his living room floor, don't you? Or that he's taking me out to dinner next Saturday.

You'd probably even settle for me saying something optimistically cliche about fate, or waiting for things to happen at the right time, or taking my life into my own hands and making things happen, not living in fear of rejection, that kind of thing. Am I right?

Well, sorry folks. The only Hot Neighbor update I have for you is this: He was gone most of the weekend. Right up until Sunday night, when the Wednesday Skank pulled into his driveway in her shiny, new convertible.

Friday, April 06, 2007

I know it would be uber-exciting for all of you to read this blog on Monday morning and see that I boldly walked over to Hot Neighbor's house on Saturday, knocked on his door and balls-out asked him over for dinner.

But I am not living my life for your entertainment. (Surprise!!)

While I may have moments of frustration, desperation and temptation, we all know I'm never going to do that. Yeah. Hate to be the bucket of cold water to your nice, relaxing hot shower, but let's get real, people. I just don't do that. Why?

1. In the past, all of my experiences where I have been the bold, assertive person have blown up in my face. Sure, the guys were nice enough about it, and flattered. They may have gotten my number or taken me out a couple of times, or even dated me for 6 months. But in the end, every one of them has ended up being either totally forgettable or a major dating regret (ie, The Cop). So if this was a baseball game, I'd be batting about 0 for 5. Not much of a batting average. What is that quote? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results? I think pretty much sums it up.

2. I am not comfortable with doing it in the first place, nevermind how it always seems to end up. I have been groomed my whole life to be an old-fashioned dater, and I am comfortable with it. It feels natural to me. I enjoy being wooed and pursued. Maybe it's because I was raised in the South, maybe it's because I'm definitely not a feminist, maybe it's because my parents' courtship was so charming and old-fashioned that I've been spoiled by their romantic tales from the mid-1970s, and now will never settle for less. Maybe it's just because I'm a girly girl. Who knows. But I feel confident when I am pursued. Not so much when I am being the aggressor. It's just not me. I think part of happiness is knowing yourself.

3. I am not one to play with fate. I think if something is meant to happen, it will happen in its own time. Since when does my life have to conform to the schedule my overly-daydreaming mind has laid out? Good grief, if I did that, I'd have 2 kids and a time share by now. Pursuing guys makes me feel like I'm forcing a relationship to happen. This doesn't sit well with me, kind of like how you have indigestion after eating too much, too fast: I can continue on with the experience, but I feel very uncomfortable. I like to allow things to happen naturally and slowly. There's no rush. I have the rest of my life to meet men.

4. He's been living next door to me for 5 months, people. Think about how often you are home in a 5 month period. Think about how many times he and I have spoken. How many different ways he could have gotten in touch with me. We are talking about numerous opportunities, all of which he has chosen to miss. This is a classic case of He's Just Not That Into Me. Which is fine. I can live with that. It happens all the time. And it's far better than forcing him to go out with me on a flattery date, only to be directly and bluntly rejected by him down the road. This is far less painful. If he were all about me, he would have been willing to risk rejection and would have asked me out already. Oh, and let's not forget my awesome timing in the looks department -- he looooves to see me when I look like total crap. This does not help my cause. So please, guys, no excuses for him. Don't give me the whole, "he's new to dating again! ease up!" or "divorcees have no self-esteem, you're going to have to meet him halfway!" or whatever. Excuses for not asking me out are bullshit, if I do say so myself. I'm a fun girl, who is easy to hang out with. Plus, I have nice boobs. I think that pretty much covers most 1st date requirements....right? Ok then.

5. I like balls. I like men with balls who ask out women fearlessly. I'm starting to think he's not that kind of guy. I'm starting to think he might be a ninny. A pushover. A doormat. Someone who waits for a domineering woman to take over and run his life for him. I can't respect people like that. Why would I settle for dating one? So can someone please explain to me why I would make a whole lasagna from scratch (about $25 and 3 hours of time, btw) for someone who can't even be bothered to take a deep breath and ask me what I'm doing this weekend? Because the more I think about it, the less interested I am in the idea. He's not lasagna-worthy at this point. (Elaine had sponges, I have lasagna.)

That being said, I'm obviously going to have to kick it up a notch in the flirting department. I've got serious competition now--he DID find his balls long enough to ask Wednesday Skank out, obviously. (I will suspend my theory that she asked him out, for the time being.) So although I'm not going to make lasagna (what, you think he'll take one bite and instantly fall madly in love with me? Come on, look who has an overactive imagination now! I mean, I know I make good lasagna, but come on!), I am going to start gardening in low-cut tops and insert some winking into my conversations with Hot Neighbor. I don't mess with fate, but I'm not against giving her a little nudge from time to time.

P.S. Don't bother calling me a wuss. I've already labeled the post appropriately. Aw, did I take the wind out of your sails?

So...I have some pics to share with you. It's Toby.

Um, I didn't realize it when I took it, but Toby is looking right at Sammy's butt in this picture...

And in this one, he wouldn't hold still, which is why he's not centered in the frame. Don't you love my awesomely landscaped backyard lawn? It's coming along perfectly...NOT.This morning, I got to start my day at 5:30. Why was I up at 5:30, you ask? Because Toby was barfing all over my bedroom. Awesome. At first, I was just annoyed. Too sleepy to be worried, I was just wanting him to go back to bed. But he kept making noises and then I could hear some sort of splatter, which made me get up and turn on the lights.

I put two and two together in my pre-caffeinated brain: Dog is not making annoying sounds for the heck of it, dog is barfing. That is when the worry set in. I grabbed him and held him over my bathroom sink (ew) so he could barf on something that wasn't my carpeting. The dog barf had blood in it. I freaked out. So now he's at the vet, and I'm worried, because I haven't heard from the vet all day. And he hasn't had any food today, either. My poor, little pound puppy. My poor, little, expensive-as-hell pound puppy....

Ha! Not only am I Barf Queen, but my new dog is a barfer, too. Aw, he will fit in so well....

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Last night, I was about to leave to go run some errands. It was 7:30. Just as I'm walking towards my front door, I shout, "K!!! Come here!!! Hurry!!!"

She runs over to me. We peer out the window.

That's when I saw her.

She was thin and very glamorously dressed -- flowered sundress, heels, delicate jewelry, movie star sunglasses -- she was smiling and she was tan. And thin. Her voluminous dark hair was doing everything my limp blond hair will never do. Despite the gigantic sunglasses, I could tell she was very pretty. Did I mention she is thin?

Worst of all, she was on a date with Hot Neighbor. I could feel tears of disappointment welling up in my eyes.

Ok, maybe not tears, but I was definitely whining.

They were walking to his car. His car, that was evidently parked behind her car: a brand new, shiny blue convertible sports car. She stopped to help him put his watch on.

HOW DO I COMPETE WITH THIS???

I am so S.O.L., y'all. I told you he's not that into me. I knew it. If he really was, he would have asked me out when he had the chance.

Anyway, they walked to his car, and he opened the door for her. Keep in mind she is grinning from ear to ear the entire time. She was obviously very glad to be on this date. I can't say I blame her. Then he got in and they drove away.

"Yeah...I know...but he's got his kids this weekend, so he can't go on dates this weekend," I mumbled.

"And he wasn't very dressed up -- a tshirt and khakis? The date obviously means more to her than it does to him," she continued.

"Ok, good point," I whimpered. "But that could have been me! I can't believe he didn't just ask me out!"

"I know! Just because he's out with her doesn't mean he doesn't want to ask you out! He's only out with her because you were going out of town and stuff -- he felt rejected, so he moved on to girl #2. For all you know, you could be #1," she offered.

"I don't feel like #1...." I grumbled.

So once the happy couple pulled away, I got in my car and ran my errands. I began to feel kind of silly, because here I am, I just had a wonderful weekend with another guy, and I'm upset that HN is on a date. It is kind of a double standard, I know. But you see, in my head, HN is supposed to be in lurve with me, and he's supposed to be trying to woo me away from my other suitors. And he will go out with skanks only for the purpose of making me jealous. I mean, that's how it goes, right?

Hollywood has ruined love for American women. That shit only happens on big screens. *sigh*

Stupid overactive imagination....

Where was I? Oh yeah. So, I did notice one important detail. This woman (who I will dub "The Wednesday Skank") is not 2nd wife material. I am. Think about it.

She drives a 2-seater convertible. Not exactly child seat friendly. Where is she going to put the other two kids? In the trunk? Not exactly someone who appears to be open to the concept of having kids in her life anytime soon. People who drive convertibles are usually looking for attention (I am not saying this is a bad thing, because I myself would love a convertible). The new car tags are still on it, so this is a very recent purchase on her part. So this chick is wanting to drive around town, honking and waving at guys. Yeah, she's ready to settle down.

I, on the other hand, drive a large sedan which is equipped for OnStar service. Granted, it's not the most reliable vehicle on the road, but it does have lots of airbags. And I am not going to be distracted by cute boys who want to look at my shiny car if I'm hauling his kids around. Plus, I live next door and I'm a librarian. How much more convenient and reliable can you get?

Also, my rear window has stickers on it. I like people who have car stickers. It shows personality and/or an opinionated mind. Miss Fancy Pants Wednesday Skank didn't have any stickers, not even on her plastic convertible window. She's probably boring.

She seemed high maintenance to me. Like the kind of girl who would flip if she broke a nail or messed up her hair. Like she would be a bitch if the plans got messed up. I can tell she's got expensive taste. I, on the other hand, am all about some TJ Maxx. For a divorced father of three, who is paying child support out the wazoo, I'm sure this is very welcome, and a much better fit for his lifestyle. I don't have Dooney & Bourkes that will be ruined if his little girl decides to decorate it with her Crayola markers. All my purses cost about $15. No biggie.

I also think the disparity between their outfits showed a distinct lack of communication between them. He looked like he was going for wings and beer, she looked like it was Fancy Restaurant Time. So I already see problems in their relationship.

As far as I know, she has no children or pets. (Just go with me here, people, ok?) On the other hand, I have not one, but two dogs. And what do people always say about pet owners who don't have children? Their pets are substitutes. So see? I am experienced in caring for small animals. That's only one step away from caring for small children. I'm already warmed up for it. And we all know that pet owners are healthier, less stressed and more nurturing than non-owners.

As far as I know, she doesn't have experience with a mixed family. I, on the other hand, do. My dad had 2 kids when he met The Czarina. I saw the challenges and joys firsthand. I know what to expect in a situation like that. My mind is already primed and ready for it.

Did I mention she doesn't look like the kind of girl who knows her way around the kitchen?

*sigh* Ok, I feel better now. I had to have my little snarky moment there. We've all done it, right girls?

In reality, I'm sure she's a very nice girl. Maybe I can't compete with that. HN deserves to have a great girl. She is pretty and obviously successful at whatever she does. She seems like a nice person to spend an evening with. And possibly a lot of fun, because they went inside his house when they came back. As of 11:15, when I went to bed, they were still inside his house. No lights on. Not that I was looking when I was walking my dogs or anything....not that I was up late, hoping to see her leave....

I don't know if she spent the night. But she was inside his house after dark, with the lights off.

I can't compete with that.

I'm just going to have to kill her.

Ok, just kidding. But if I would never get caught....

More than anything, though, this has lighted a fire under my ass. I'm wondering if I was his first choice, or if he did that to make me jealous? If so, it worked. I'm on a mission, people. That dumb bitch won't even know what happened.

This weekend, I'm going to pull the ol' "Oh, gosh, I made all this lasagna, and I just can't eat it all! Would you like some? I know you've got the kids this weekend, so I figured you could put it to good use" stunt. I'm going to drag out that question from him, too.

This monkey business has gone on long enough. Stand back, people. I've got some wooing to do.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

But first, some other stuff. I have been having very strange dreams lately. I think I need to go back to my strict "No Snacks Before Bedtime" rule.

Weird Dream #1: I was putting in my contacts. Only they were square. And the size of dinner plates. Ironically, in my dream, I didn't understand what the problem was.

Weird Dream #2: I dreamt I had a double mastectomy. (Yeah, this dream sucked!) But the thing was, I did it voluntarily. I was in the doctor's office, and I told him I was just really freaked out about getting breast cancer. I talked him into it! He said, "Well, ok. You're right, that is the only certain way we will know you won't get breast cancer." So I wake up from surgery, look down my shirt, and basically wig out. I was like, "OMG, what have I done?" And then I started crying. I cried for the rest of the dream. At one point, I was in a room with breast cancer vicitims. It was a support group meeting. And I couldn't stop crying. So they kicked me out! The doctor was like, "You are upsetting everyone else. You have to leave." This only made me cry harder.

There was a third weird dream, but I can't remember the details too well. Something about how Fat Dog needed to either let me borrow his car or needed to drive me somewhere. I couldn't get a hold of him and no one had a phone. Or no one would let me use the phone. Something like that. I just remember being very frustrated because it was urgent that I get somewhere.

Time for the Toby update. So he needed all his shots and tests because I received no medical history from the pound. He needed his nails clipped. He needed to be neutered. And I needed to board him for 4 days because I went to Charleston. (An extra day was needed because that was neutering surgery day). He needed heartworm and flea/tick control medicine.

On Monday, when they were doing all of this, the vet's office called me. Toby's teeth needed to be cleaned -- badly.

They called back again. Toby has an ear infection. To clear it up, he needs two kinds of medicine. And it might be an indication of an allergy, so we will have to see how he does over time. (ie, this might be ear infection #1 of umpteen zillion)

Because of all this stuff going on, they recommended I get some Rx painkillers for him, too.

Are you seeing where this is going? Yeah.

Grand total for "free" pound puppy: $500 and some change.

Ouch. My Visa hurts. BUT, at least there will be no more Toby vet bills for at least a year. Then, it will just be maintenance (ie, maybe $50/year).

Combine that with the news that K is moving out in early May (she's going to buy a house), and I'm trying really hard not to panic in the financial department.

Toby is adjusting still. If you could see him, you would observe that sometimes, he doesn't know where to go or what to do with himself. It's cute. Sometimes he runs away when I walk towards him, but that is happening less and less. I think I have gotten him to stop peeing inside. I think. He actually slept in the bed with me and Sammy last night, and there were no problems. Well, no problems other than the fact that I now have two bed hoggers instead of one. He and Sammy get along really well, and now that he's ball-less, Sammy doesn't hump him anymore. It's a relief.

Ok, so Hot Neighbor.

I am packing and getting ready to leave for Charleston last Friday morning. I go into the kitchen to put some dishes away, and I see HN, standing at his mailbox, going through his mail. So I watch him secretly through the window.

Duh.

He turns and looks straight at me!!!! EEEEK! I don't think he saw me,though, because it was dark inside my house and I was standing back about6 feet from the window.

(He didnt' see me, right? RIGHT???)

So, like a 12 year old girl, I run away, out of my kitchen, squealing andgasping, "shitshitshitshitshit!!!!!"

I calm down and go back to packing and cleaning.

Two minutes later, there is a knock on my door.(OH SHHHHHHHHH.....!!!!)And I knew there was only one person it could be: Hot Neighbor.

This would be wonderful, if I had my make up on. Or my hair dried.But I didn't. I looked kinda rough, as usual. (He NEVER sees me lookinggood, I swear!!!)

Our conversation went like this:

Me: Hey, what's up!HN: Are you off today?Me: Yeah, I'm actually going to Charleston for the weekend.HN: Oh. and you're leaving right now?Me: Yeah, pretty much. I have to drop the dogs off...HN: Oh. ok, well, I was going to bug you about something, but I canjust ask you some other time. I know you're in a rush.Me: Um, ok.

(HN just stands there, for a second, looking at his feet. He keeps standingthere silently. WTF??)

Monday, April 02, 2007

Ok, so I have to tell you about my weekend. It was fantastic. And I have insomnia right now, so I might as well just type up a long-ass post. (I will explain why I have insomnia maybe another time...) This post is going to be hard to write, because I'm going to want to give out very personal and juicy details....which, I can't do. So I will just have to allude to things...

Oh, and there is a theme song for this weekend in Charleston. I don't know why (maybe MJ can enlighten me?), but we all kept singing Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" about 400 times at the top of our lungs. At some point, MJ and one of the guys was running down the beach, punching the air while singing it. Who knows. I wasn't there to see it. But that is the soundtrack to this weekend I'm about to tell you about.

MJ and KT are from New York, so they have a group of guy friends who live up there, either in or near NYC. One of them, a textbook "New Yawkah" (a member of the Rat Pack, who visited us last October. I will dub him Rocky) was invited to a wedding in Isle of Palms, one of the swankier parts of Charleston, SC. He took MJ as his date. They invited me and KT to go with them.

Rocky brought his friend (and coworker) The Magician with him. But more about him in a minute... ;)

So we booked an oceanfront hotel room on Isle of Palms, MJ and KT picked up the guys at the Charlotte airport, everyone came to my house to pick me up, and then we headed to Charleston on Friday afternoon. We stopped for lunch on the way and got to Charleston at about 4pm. Our room was nice, but small. And 5 people sharing one small bathroom was a big pain in the ass. But otherwise, it was great being right on the beach. MJ definitely picked a good hotel.

Friday night, MJ and Rocky went to the wedding. While they were there, KT, The Magician and I went to dinner at this WONDERFUL restaurant called Pearlz. I highly recommend it. It's in downtown Charleston. I had this peppercorn tilapia that melted in my mouth, and everyone else's food was great, too. Great service, nice ambiance. (Looking it up just now on Google, I learned it's owned by the same company that owns Liberty's, one of my favorite Columbia restaurants. Go figure.)

The Magician and I were hitting it off. I thought he was cute, right away. Definitely a spark. Actually, right when i was being introduced and shook his hand, I thought, "Ok, I think this is going to be a good weekend!"

Oh Jeez. I just realized Rocky might read MJ's blog, which means he might read this blog...oh dear. Ok, I am going to have to seriously edit this....or get reassurance from MJ that Rocky doesn't read these.

Ok, the 411 on The Magician: he's my age (28), about 6'2", lean without being very muscular. He's got light brown hair and hazel eyes. he's half Native American and half Scottish -- yeah, kind of an interesting combination, I thought. To be honest, I don't think I've ever met anyone who is more than a sprinkle Native American, so it was kind of cool. He can even say some phrases in his people's language. He is a "Wall Street Warrior"-- he works in some big fancy building, doing investment stuff all day. (To my NYC readers-- I am curious -- are there stereotypes about Wall Steeters? Please let me know. I'm sure I would be amused.) He works near where the Twin Towers were, in a building on the 43rd floor. His family is big like mine. He's very funny, smart and charming. Not really my type in some ways, but at the same time, totally my type. (I know, it makes no sense....then again, some of the best things in life make no sense.)

And remember my dry spell, people.

So i was pretty much doomed. Totally powerless, actually.

After dinner, the three of us went to some bars (Southend Brewery...shoot. I can't remember where else...there's a bar I'm forgetting...).

Anyway, The Magician has a guy pal who lives in Charleston, so he and his wife met up with us at Wet Willy's. They are the nicest couple. We were all chatting in the middle of the bar. Eventually, my feet started to hurt, so I went to go sit down in a corner. The Magician went with me.

....and that's when we started making out like teenagers in the middle of Wet Willy's. There is some debate over who kissed who first, but just for the record, it was his idea. He started it.

OMG y'all. It's a good thing I was out of town, because making out in a bar is NOT my thing at ALL. If I had been in Columbia, my face would have been beet red!!! I kept stopping him, saying, "No! I do not make out in bars! I am not that kind of girl! You have to stop!"

But I only sort of half-way meant it, because he is The Greatest Kisser in the World.

Yeah. I was totally powerless. Putty in his hands.

Oh boy.

Of course, KT, being KT, took pictures of us sucking face in a crowded bar. Awesome. I didn't realize until it was too late. If she ever puts them on the Internet, I will die. LOL

By this point, everyone was pretty much drunk (except me, obviously), so we went back to the hotel.

Meanwhile, MJ and Rocky had gotten totally shitfaced at the wedding and passed out at the hotel before they could even meet up with us. Dorks. Plus, they were each hogging a bed. This sort of messed up our plans (nudge nudge). KT hopped in with MJ. The Magician and I tried to move Rocky, but he got kind of pissed when we woke him up. So he and I decided to take a walk on the beach instead of going to sleep.

Yeah. See where this is going? No, not there. Who likes sand up their butt? Not me. Where was I? Oh yes.

Full moon, light breeze, empty beach...we ended up making out again (Seriously, who is this girl, and where is VB??? It's like the college version of myself went to Charleston this weekend.)....and we got so into making out that we ended up falling over.......and laughing our asses off......and getting sand all over us....

Ok. So then we decided it was too cold, so we went back inside. We obviously didn't want to move Rocky, so we inflated the air mattress and..........well, if this was a movie, this is where the screen would fade to black.

So, why am I referring to him as The Magician? This is why. I swear, y'all, it was like he could read my mind -- I would be thinking, "Gee, I wish he would..." and then he would do it. What guy has that ability??? He not only had the ability to read my mind, but he also has the ability to make things disappear. [Ok, that last line is not as perverted as it sounds. But I am not getting into details. I am seriously editing myself, here, people, because I am trying to keep something in my life private. You can use your imagination. We're all adults. We've all been there. If you are really that nosy or dense, just email me. Sheesh. But if it's any consolation, it's really really hard for me not to spill the juicy details. Don't you love that I have a big mouth when it comes to my personal life?]

I can't believe I did that. I haven't hooked up* in a hotel room full of sleeping people since college (but that's another story). Kind of a jerky move, I know. But they were all asleep. And trust me, if you had been in my position, you would have done the same thing. I don't think wild, attacking tigers could have stopped me.

*Remember, my definition of "hooking up" is: anything more than kissing. Which may or may not involve a run around the bases. So you will just have to wonder what I mean. Sorry.

The next morning, Rocky, MJ and KT went to breakfast at 10am. Since The Magician and I had stayed up a little later than them (AHEM), we slept in. Of course, as they were getting ready, KT spilled the beans and they all made fun of us.....oh well. We deserved it.

He and I got up about an hour later, went to lunch, had a good time. Not awkward at all. We went back to the hotel room just as I got a text message from KT: they were all at the beach.

We had the hotel room to ourselves.

Do the math.

Then he and I joined them at the beach, where we all got sunburned, drank beer and ate corn dogs and ice cream.

We went back to the room around 5ish, napped and showered, and then went out again. This time, we went to A.W. Shuck's for dinner, where we had THE WORST SERVICE I've ever had in my life. A quick run-down:

1. Our waitress was rude and told us when SHE was ready to take our order (which was about a half an hour after we got there) -- she pretty much copped an attitude with us the whole time and never removed dirty dishes unless we flagged her down.2. Three tables (including us) asked restaurant employees to turn off the hurricane-level arctic fan, but no one EVER DID.3. The guys ordered martinis. They came out with MAYBE 2 sips in them--a total joke. It turns out the bartender was basically giving them each one shot of vodka. And that's all. Which, if you know about martinis, isn't even how you make them. We had to talk to FOUR people (3 of whom argued with us) before getting the drinks fixed. And they still charged us for them anyway.4. Did I mention it took us 2 and 1/2 hours to get our food? Yeah. Because the drink fiasco took up 45 minutes. This didn't bother me so much as Rocky, so I am including this in the list on his behalf.5. They messed up splitting our bill, but it didn't really matter, because it all evened out in the end.

Our bill was about $140 and we left $4. Two of us stiffed her. We ALL left notes for her/managers on our credit card slips. NEVER EAT AT THIS PLACE! It was horrible!! The two tables on either side of us had problems, too. We all revolted.

After dinner, we put it all behind us and got drunk again, this time with MJ and Rocky with us. At one point, looking for our next bar, Rocky saw some very tall steps and did a fantastic Rocky impression (hence his name), as we watched and laughed from across the street. We had a great time, but MJ and KT were both sick by this point, so they left early. (MJ has strep throat and KT has a sinus infection/bronchitis. They were miserable for at least half the weekend. But they were troupers. I'll give them that.) I hung out with Rocky and The Magician until the bars closed, having a blast and (again) making out with The Magician while Rocky hit on Charleston girls. He ended up meeting 3 people (a guy and his girlfriend, and another girl who talked like Minnie Mouse) who were also staying at Isle of Palms. We decided to all get a cab together to save money. Ok, Rocky and the people worked it out. The Magician and I were busy sucking face again.

Because it was the Bridge Run weekend, we could NOT find a cab to save our lives. After 45 minutes, we flagged down one. And by "flagged down", I mean that 7 of us surrounded the cab and squished into it before the cabbie could protest. Then we demanded that the cabbie take us to our hotels. He didn't want to do it because he wasn't supposed to have 7 people in his cab. He could get a fine and there were a lot of cops out. Also, he had "just gotten out of jail", which I didn't buy.

We refused to budge, out of sheer desperation. The guy who was with us was SHITFACED, and so he just started handing the cabbie money. "There, that should get us at least across the bridge," he slurred as he handed the cabbie $100.

We were in a cab with Mr. Moneybags! Sweet!

The cabbie told us to be quiet as he accepted the cash. Of course, at 2am, 7 drunk people cannot be quiet, so they all proceeded to talk loudly and at the same time, which made me giggle. It was a very entertaining cab ride.

Yeah, so we got a free cab ride from downtown to Isle of Palms, which is about a 30 minute ride. All we had to do was tip the cabbie. Suh-weet!

Everyone went to sleep. The Magician and I stayed up (Ok, seriously, are you even surprised at this point?). Unfortunately, we were pretty tired at this point, so we kept falling asleep mid-smooch and finally gave up after a while.

The next morning, MJ felt like crap, so she left to go to the doctor's right away. The rest of us took our time going back to Columbia, stopping for breakfast at IHOP. I continued to tease The Magician by asking him annoying questions about his heritage: Did he live in a teepee on top of a skyscraper? Does he do the rain dance to make the stocks go up? etc. On the way home, the guys answered my 632 questions about NYC. They want us to come visit them and told me I would love it. (My conclusion after hearing what they told me? I am terrified of NYC!! The people up north are very blunt and I know someone would make me cry by the end of the first day!)

Since their flight didn't leave Charlotte until 8pm, we hung out at MJ and KT's house for a while. We went to lunch and shopped. But then, I had to go run some errands, so I didn't go with them to the airport. We hugged good bye, and The Magician told me he wants me to come visit SOON. (He emphasized the 'soon' part. Awww...) KT told me later that on the way to the airport, Rocky kept telling The Magician to marry me, and The Magician said I was a great girl and would make a great girlfriend.

Awww!

Earlier today I asked KT, "Hey, you didn't tell him any of the juicy details I told you, did you? Like, about what I said?" (KT got more details than y'all. Sorry.)

She told me that The Magician asked her the same thing on the way to the airport. How funny! Although KT says she told me everything he said, I guess I will never know....

He didn't ask for my phone number. Which I have mixed feelings about. I'd like to talk to him, but at the same time, let's call it what it really was: a Spring Fling. I mean, people don't start dating in this situation. He lives in NYC, for Pete's sake. It's best to just let it be.

And he doesn't have a myspace page and it's KILLING ME.

Sorry so long, but I seriously had so much fun!!!

My next post is going to be good, too. You see, I didn't even mention the weird dreams I've been having, Toby's trip to the vet, the news about my roommate, or the Hot Neighbor update, now did I?

About Me

I'm laid-back, outgoing, practical, high-energy, friendly and happy. Unless I haven't had my coffee. I enjoy meeting new people and learning new things and trying new activities (things that do not resemble camping or put me at risk for bodily harm, that is.) I'm opinionated and cynical and sarcastic, usually to a fault. I'm a little on the type-A side...but I'm honest and trustworthy and affectionate. I'm close to my family and friends. I try to be well-rounded and get the most out of living here while maintaining a sense of humor and looking for the ironies of life. I am currently trying to find my way and learn the ropes of being a full-time working mom and wife. It would be a lot easier if I didn't get myself into predicaments.