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Don’t Be Attractive. Be Irresistible.

The majority of people put so much emphasis on looks and outside appearances, but what really makes you desirable? Sure, we can make ourselves look great from the outside. Anyone can these days it seems with filters and photo editing, but what are the traits that make you irresistible? What are those traits that make people literally drawn to you, even if not romantically?

You know how it works. You meet someone you think is attractive. You feel an immediate level of attraction towards them, but it can quickly change once you begin chatting with them. It can go one of two ways. You either find them more attractive as you continue to talk, or the more they talk the more unappealing they become.

I remember when I first started dating again. I would see a guy and think, “wow, he’s pretty nice on the eyes!” Then he would open his mouth and I couldn’t be more repulsed!

You may be attractive visually, but what are those traits that take you one giant step further?

What are the traits that take you from attractive to irresistible?

For some people, they can’t quite put their finger on why they are literally drawn to a person. We all know someone like this. You love to spend time with this person, even if they’re just a friend. Let’s face it. It’s what makes some famous people so popular. It’s what makes that girl or guy that everyone loves the most exciting person in the room, right?

Intelligence

Smart is the new hot, right? I’m not just talking about IQ. While a high IQ is most definitely hot, what I’m talking about is emotional intelligence. How big is their brain? How does their mind operate? Is their head in a good place? If your new guy or gal’s IQ is high and they’re emotionally intelligent…oh my. You’ve just hit the jackpot!

Mindfulness is the new hot.

It seems there’s this cultural shift taking place right now. It’s taken place before, but like every fad, it’s circled back around. There’s a shift from focusing on the body to focusing on the body and mind. Of course, we still have this huge over emphasis on looks and outside appearances, but we’re trending back towards mindfulness again. Like any fad, I wonder how long will it last? Time Magazine released the special edition “Mindfulness” and more people seemed to jump on the bandwagon. Will it last? Will we finally as a culture evolve and appreciate the beauty within? The saying has been around forever that “beauty is skin deep,” but if you look around, it’s clear that’s not where we focus our time and energy as a culture.

That’s why it’s so refreshing when we meet someone who’s beautiful on the inside.

Our culture is so fixated on outsides appearances, because let’s face it, it’s easier to improve the outside. If you have money you get plastic surgery, make-up, camera filters, etc. There’s photo shop and editing. Everyone can look attractive now with a bit of effort. We can choose what people see. We decide which photos we upload to social media. We pick the ones that make us look thin, hot, or ripped, etc. The one thing you can’t fake however, is happiness. You can smile in a picture, but people can tell from the look in your eyes if its real or not. You can smile but still look empty. You can smile but still look crazy! You can smile but your facial lines will tell if you’re truly happy or just faking it. You can post photos but people see the words you post also. You can fake happiness all day long, but people will see the drama and negativity in your posts.

We’ve gone as far as we can with the smoke and mirrors. Have we pushed as far as we can and now we’re forced to look within? Have we pushed it to the max?

You can’t fake happiness.

You can’t fake beautiful on the inside.

We now have to look within and work on creating a beautiful heart.

A Beautiful Heart

A big beautiful heart accompanied by a big beautiful mind is so hot! Someone who gives and isn’t selfish. What’s your Heart IQ? Are you a taker? Do you only think about how things effect you? Are you able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes? Is it always about you and how it makes you feel? Are you willing to put your feelings on hold, even for a moment, to hear the other side? Are you open to constructive criticism from the people you love? Are you willing to put another human being ahead of yourself, as long as it isn’t detrimental to your well-being? Are you emotionally available?

Do you contribute to society? Do you give back and appreciate what you have? People can be so self-absorbed. You know this. There’s people out there who take and take and never seem to have anything to offer back to the world or to the people in their lives. They can’t stop and think about another person for even a second. Those people drive me mad.

My son brought a book home from school when he was in kindergarten and I thought it was the most brilliant book for a five-year old. It’s called “Have You Filled a Bucket Today?” Basically, it gives scenarios for kids where they can either be bucket fillers or bucket dippers. Bucket fillers look to fill other people’s buckets, whether it’s through acts of kindness or simply helping out a friend who’s struggling. Bucket dippers are basically jerks who go around knocking people’s buckets over and emptying them out. These are the people who take from other people’s buckets to fill their own. Bucket fillers realize that by filling someone else’s bucket they are inadvertently filling their own as well. It may seem simple or juvenile that I’m referencing a kid’s book, but I think as adults we have a tendency to make things harder than they need to be. We get wrapped up it the complexities of adulthood, when we should just keep it simple.

Are you a bucket dipper or a bucket filler?

Are you able to open up and be vulnerable? This is such a huge one! Are you able to let your guard down and feel from your heart? Are you able to get out of your head for a while? When you open your heart and let your guard down, you will literally yank people in! Vulnerability and openness gets them every time. When you’re vulnerable, you’re super easy to be with. When you’re vulnerable with someone it’s contagious. You feel so good in that person’s company, that they won’t know why, but they just have to be around you.

Vulnerability is irresistible.

You’ve Got Your Priorities Straight

Do you have your priorities straight? Do you focus on things that are truly important, or is your focus on the surface? What I mean is do you have depth or is your focus on superficial stuff? Do you fixate on things that are simply not that important. Is it all about what car someone drives, their clothing, or the latest Hollywood gossip? Yes, those things are entertaining of course! They should not, however, be the focus.

Priorities should include family, health, community, etc. When people don’t have their priorities straight, they will struggle to prioritize you. If you’re looking for a loving and deep relationship, make sure you’re with someone who has their priorities straight. Maybe, they’re still holding onto pain from past relationships and they don’t have any more room in their heart or mind until they let some of that go? Maybe, they’re too wrapped up in themselves to have room to take another person’s feelings into consideration? Does the person you’re with have space in their heart for you? Can he or she prioritize you? Is your person annoyed with you when you have an issue and you’re struggling? Do they take the time to listen to you and prioritize you into their life?

We all have people and life situations that we have to juggle. Can this person take you on? Where is this person’s focus? What are their priorities? Whether or not you feel like a priority to this person will tell you if they have enough space in their life to accommodate you. If you don’t feel accommodated, then you’re not a priority. If they don’t have their priorities straight, they will find it difficult to prioritize you. Do you want to be a priority? Make yourself one. Make yourself a priority to yourself, and then someone will come along and make you one in their life as well. Then you can prioritize that person right back! Don’t be with a taker or bucket dipper.

Find someone who has their priorities straight.

Strong Moral Fiber

A person with a strong moral fiber is so hot! A person who stand ups for what they believe in even in company where their opinion is unpopular. Are you a person who’s afraid to disagree? Do you fear conflict and avoid it like the plague? Are you comfortable enough with yourself and who you are to stand up for what you believe in? Are you comfortable enough with yourself that you don’t look for validation from others? Are you a people pleaser? Don’t want to rock the boat? Are you afraid to be alone?

I’m not talking about a person who is constantly creating drama and conflict, just to be clear. I’m talking about the person who has the strength and ability to do what they think is right, even in a difficult situation. I’m talking about the person who keeps their mouth shut and picks their battles, also! They pick their battles because they don’t need validation. They know who they are, and what they believe in. They don’t need to push their agenda on another person. This person can have someone disagree with them, but it won’t let them skip a beat. They don’t however, need to argue about it. I’m talking about the person who has the will power to rise above the negativity and drama. The bigger person. The person who knows when to stand up, and when to keep the peace. The person who knows what they believe, has the will power to see it through, and doesn’t need validation from others.

Strong Will Power

Can you forge ahead even with life’s hiccups? Are you resilient? Do you surrender when things get tough and mentally check out…or worse, do you blame others when things go wrong? Can you see things through to completion, or are you a quitter? Of course you’re not! Are you determined? Disciplined? Can you self-regulate? When you know that something is bad for you, can you change your behavior? If you have a hard time seeing things through to completion, then you probably need to work on your will power.

Delayed gratification.

Our culture seriously struggles with delayed gratification. In fact, I see this as one of the biggest struggles for people everywhere. Everyone wants some magic pill to make it all better. Everyone wants quick weight loss, fast cash, lustful love. Nobody wants to put in the time anymore. We’ve lost our patience and our will. Are you able to do the hard work each day, in order to wait for a bigger and more permanent payout at the end?

The will power of our culture is weak. We’ve lost our way. We’ve become flaky. We’ve become impatient. We’ve become entitled. (I’m not even going there today!)

Bottom line. You can put all of your emphasis on your outside appearance, but anyone worth being with, won’t be fooled.

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The advice offered in this blog is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this blog is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. The opinions or views expressed in this blog are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. This blog and its author are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your actions. This website is not intended to be viewed by minors or anyone under the age of 18. By entering this site, you are agreeing that you are over the age of 18.