Monday, July 30, 2007

So, here we are with 4 losers left. Megan (21), Amanda (25), Maria (42) and Jen (48). If you're keeping tabs, we still have the youngest kitten and the oldest cougar.

Jen is taking Jayanna's dumping the hardest. OH SHIT!! Jayanna left a videotape to the remaining girls telling them to watch their backs, that Amanda took some advice from Jayanna, twisted it around, and used it to get Jayanna booted. Megan looks shocked. Jen looks bloodthirsty. Amanda looks the usual. and by that i mean psychotic and hideous. This is so frickin awesome. it's a total bash amanda video. and amanda tries to brush it off, but they all see how pissed jen is. jen might kill amanda. Jen! Jen! Jen! Jen!

Mark's first date is a salsa lesson with amanda and maria. mark chooses maria for the first dance and amanda is all crazy about how it was awkward not being chosen first and how she had to walk across the floor alone. stuff it hobag. she then called maria pathetic and said she was trying too hard. shut up psycho! you're probs the most pathetic of the bunch (and i'm including mary here. burn!) and you try way too hard. maria was just having fun, it's not like she jealously waited in his tent until he returned. ugh! i hate amanda.

megan's date is high tea. megan is adorable, but kind of dumb. also, let's start the countdown of when amanda is going to complain about not getting a one on one date. jen gets a text message about her date - a carriage ride and a swimming pool. she's clearly in the lead because she got the best date. immediately, amanda is jealous. shocker. megan is also being a brat about it. JEN FTW!!! mark is so smitten with her. he even said he esaved the best for last. she looks gorgeous too. oh man, he's totally gonna bang her at the end of the night. jen really knows what she's doing here. Next they go swimming. Hee! Mark makes a funny joke. You had to be there. Woah! mark takes her up to his apartment to get a "MASsage" with some "A-low-eh". he then tells her to close the door because there's a camera in the other room. woo! apparently, he don't know about the camera that's in his room. WOOO! they give each other 'massages' and we hear moaning. half an hour later, he walks her back to her apartment. the next morning, jen does the awesome 'let me recount my date for the youngies in excruciating detail' thing that she does. she even tells them about the massage. and by massage, we all know she means hand job. The look on amanda's face is murderous. jen goes into tmi territory and i think amanda's face is about to fall off. it would be an improvement. she cries about how he does this with all the girls. oh. you mean what jayanna FUCKING TOLD YOU ABOUT that you turned around her and got her kicked out for? that? is that what you mean? ooh, i wonder if jen relishes telling this stuff to amanda because she knows she got jayanna kicked out. nice jen. real nice.

maria again does the 'instinct' speech. for the third time. i wonder if she'll threaten to leave? and then reneg? one on one time: megan: not much happens here. Jen is next and mark is all 'hummuna hummuna'. amanda goes crazy. talks about how jealous she is and tells mark that jen said what happened on their date. he looks taken aback. i swear if she gets jen booted, i'll do something crazy. i hate this girl. does she really think she's the only one there? maria: sings the same old song. but this time she actually follows through and eliminates herself. he says that if she would not have done that he would've asked her to stay. ouch.

this show has now turned into top model because mark channels tyra and says to the remaining 3: 'pack your bags, we're going to australia!!!' amanda is all psychopants about being nervous about meeting the family. megan has some sort of flying anxiety and flips out about it after getting on the plane. she gets off and refuses to go on the flight, thereby eliminating herself. so you're telling me two girls eliminated themselves here and we get no real elimination?! cheap! especially because he told maria he would've wanted her to stay, and he really wanted megan to go to australia with him, and he's obviously in love with jen, so amanda would've gone!! and now she's a finalist? good grief!!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

umm, hi. i just discovered that Japan makes Hello Kitty outfits for your cat. I just don't know what to do about this. It's so frickin adorable. my heart hurts a little for the cat's dignity, but it also feels nice a lot for what the cat looks like. Click on the link for a gallery of poor Hello Kitties.

Oh man, I wish i knew about this when i was still living in my old apartment, where a white kitty resided.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Ugh. So, I'm not going to do Reality Corner write ups of Hey Paula anymore. I don't think many of you watch it regularly anyway and it really is just the same shit every week. And also, Paula's a total asshole, so it's not even as fun to watch as it used to be.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

It was a dark and pleasant night in the East Village. At around 3:00am I believe, two friends and I got on the train at 8th Street. There was a man relaxing in a turnstile, he stood there silently for a moment and then uttered, “chillin”. He walked across the platform towards us, spit onto the tracks and then said, “chillin”. He turned around to some dude and said, “chillin”. The train came, but before the train doors open he hopped on and then off of the runner below the doors, looked at our surprised faces and said, “chillin and illin!”. He sat down a few seats away from us and while we chatted, we’d hear the occasional, “chillin”. When some other passengers got up, he took the opportunity to sit next to us. My friends stop arrived and my friend wanted to make sure that I’d be ok the rest of the ride– so he chimed in with something along the lines of “don’t worry, she’ll be fine” to my friend. He actually rode all the way to Astoria next to me, and when he got off the train a few stops before mine, he banged on the window next to me, waved and said, “chillin”.

Not sure where the guy was going, or where he was coming from – but I do know that when he got there he’d definitely be chillin….and then probably crying himself to sleep….and then waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and screaming, “CHILLIN!!!!”.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Man, it feels like its been so long since i've hung out with these bitches. i missed them. also, do you think jayanna, age 39, hates being grouped as a 40-something?

We come in on the ladies calling Maria out for backing out of her promise of leaving a second time, which i think is fair for them to do. i think maria probably suspected she'd be getting the boot both times that promise was made, and was just saying that to save face in case she was the one eliminated. then, jayanna talks about how silly it is to be 'in love' with mark so quickly (Amanda) and how nobody should be naive enough to think they are the only 'special' ones there.

They all go camping together and i guess they're going to ditch someone in the woods because we are told one lady isn't coming back. At the campsite, Maria and Jen each make out with Mark. then, they all get wasted and play truth or dare. haha, Jayanna totally hates maria now. they all think she's cheesy and laugh in her face, which i would've done if i were there because she created a very awkward situation out of a simple truth or dare question. then maria turns into 'that girl' and starts drunkenly crying about feminism or something. she picks a fight with jen and jen is all 'fuck that noise'. then jayanna picks a fight with the youngies. whoda thunk the youngies would come off as more mature here. mark makes jen apologize to maria, and jen, showing how awesome she, apologizes...even though she wasn't laughing at women, as maria accused her of, she was laughing at maria for being a cheeseball.

Mark takes jayanna on a special walk after his walk with megan. while they are gone, amanda talks with maria (when did she become the youngies' mentor?) about how she's realizing that maybe she isn't as special in this pack of ladies as she thought she was. i'm nervous that her crazy fever is on the verge of breaking..in a violent way. mark's walk with jayanna is xtra special because there are lights and a hammock. it's funny how wasted they all are.

meanwhile, back at camp, amanda is a psychopath. she decides to go find mark and jayanna & break up their special time because she's nuts. amanda doesn't find them, so, because she's nuts, decides to wait for mark in his tent so they can have some alone time. i think she might rape him. jayanna makes a play for booty and gets shot down. surprisingly, and maybe for fear of his life, mark does not toss amanda out on her ass when he finds her waiting. amanda tells mark that jayanna's been putting 'he says that to all the girls' ideas in her head. he, of course, being a man dating multiple women, says it's not true. even though we've seen that it is.

i'm totally rooting for jen or megan. they're the only ones that don't piss me off and aren't acting like crazy girls. jen is first safe. amanda next, followed by maria. it's down to megan and jayanna. megan because she admitted that she doesn't know how she feels about mark and jayanna for putting truths in amanda's head. oh shit! jayanna gets the boot! that's what she gets for being so confident. shit. mark is pissed at her! and it's because stupid fucking crazy amanda whined to mark about it. he's so mad! they don't even kiss goodbye. jayanna honorably shares her side, says amanda twisted her words, and then gets left alone at the campsite.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

so I finally got around to watching Rock of Love..this was another one that i thought started long ago, when actually it just started this past week. and i must say, i'm already hooked. this show looks to be quite trashy and entertaining. but, in the interest of not turning this blog into all reality corner, all the time...and also in the interest of my sanity, i think we should all watch the show, and then go to vh1's celebreality blog, where Rich from fourfour does a far better job than i could ever do. then we'll all be in on the joke and we can all laugh. hooray!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

The episode wherein Paula plays a prank, gets fired from Bratz, and goes on Letterman.

In an effort to really get into the mind of Paula, I am starting this recap a couple beers in...

Is it just me..or wasn't the show's theme song "straight up"? Paula is terrible at playing it cool after a prank. you can't tell me this bitch is sober. she also didn't even take the jerky out of the package!!

Paula, listen to me, it is a blessing that your services are no longer required with the Bratz movie. for real. stop crying. it makes your eyes go wonky. also, real classy that she was told by email at two in the morning.

Paula loses her earring and the only place she keeps checking is her ear. Trust me. It's not there. Paula's hair/makeup stylist looks like a supergay version of my high school drama teacher, mr. hale.

Paula is A TRAINWRECK!! Take control of your own life. also, if flights are cancelled due to weather, it's usually gonna affect most of the airlines. just fyi.

Yeah, consultant, you're only there for moral support. i'm sure...that's what paula had a full on break down over...him not being there for moral support. is that what's on those index cards there, P? Moral support? And...maybe i missed this in last week's episode, but did her publicist quit yet? because he's not around here.

just say it, new assistant, paula is difficult.

What are you saying, mushmouth? You're WASTED!!

I'd be scared too, crazy fan girl.

And now let's see if Paula fulfilled our episode checklist this week:

√ Paula "works so hard" that she's "super exhausted"√ Paula has an event that she shows up late to. _ Paula borrows cash from her staff √ Complains about being mistreated√ Paula says a bunch of crazy shit, √ Paula cries_ Paula gets the 'truth' out

I'd like to report that my cable box, one that i was in possession of for approximately 1.5 weeks, decided to shit out on me yesterday. So much so that when the hottie cable guy walked into my living room today (though i'm sad to report that my life did not turn into a porn here) and took one look at it, he said "Woah, that box is baaaad." (that line would have appropriately led into the porn i think, especially with my friend bill's brilliant suggestion of responding with 'Well you should see my other one.')

you might now find yourself saying, "Sara, what the fuck does this have to do with me?" Well, i'll tell you what -- in addition to losing a cold case episode, a crappy kate hudson horror movie, and that sassy movie about a black woman getting her love life turned around by a hunky cracker, i lost the last two episodes of Hey Paula that i had yet to watch and recap. it hurts me more than you know. but i guess i'm all caught up now? and, knowing bravo, there will be reruns aplenty...so if i happen upon episodes i haven't seen yet, you'll hear about it here.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

My dear brother brought this link to my attention, which shows a (crazy) lady's invention of what she calls a Pillowig, a wearable pillow. i turned into veruca salt and told him to give it to me now (i also requested a feast. a bean feast). Sure, it could be (kind of) useful and way hilarious-looking on my many travels, but i mostly wanted to be able to sit up in the morning and have my pillow follow my head.

i'd like to point out some of my favorite things from that site:

- how the lady decides to wash her pillowig in the washing machine with her head still attached-that the lady dresses in an all-black puppeteer (or stagehand's) outfit, leading me to believe that at night, she just looks like a floating pillow. -that she found friends-the engrish in the description at the very bottom of the page

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Mark has to choose 3 of the 6 remaining women to go with him to the beach. he decides on megan, mary, and maria. when megan announces that they are to bring their bathing suits, you can hear mary get exasperated and maybe start to cry. i did not count that in the cry counter. amanda is all psychotic about how she wasn't chosen and crazily cleans the house to avoid getting sucked into her craziness.

megan gets chosen to take a walk with mark. mary, quite annoyingly, intrudes on their walk and is rightly treated like a third wheel. for the second time (that we've seen), he cuts her off midsentence by noticing something in the distance and walking towards it. When they return to the apartment, amanda tries to kill megan with eye rays when she finds out that they had special time. next, jayanna and amanda share a date with mark and the three of them see a movie together. he takes jayanna outside for a drink, and while they're gone, amanda eyes the hanging drapery to see which she can most effectively use to strangle jayanna during the flick. amanda has special time with mark after the movie and its like this: crazy crazy psycho crazy LOVE blink blink drool.

Jen feels neglected until she gets her own motorcycle date with mark. woah. mary is about to lose it. the oldies are such good sports about sharing and the youngies are such jealous brats. don't they know what they signed on for here?! at the top of mulholland drive, jen unleashes her secret weapon once more and makes out with mark. woo woo! Oh god. mary is psychotic. she cries to the other 20's about how mark doesn't seem interested and sister, there could not be a worse crowd for you to complain to here. after the bike ride, jen and mark go to play pool. she whips his ass and makes out with him again. damn, girl! when jen gets home, she tells the 20's of her day. she's totally braggin to them and it's kind of awesome how she does it. you sly cougar you. i think amanda has a box of pencils under her blanket that she's snapping in two one by one.

mark only has to send one girl home tonight and my money's on mary. maria again threatens to walk. we'll see if she pulls through this time.

jen, megan, jayanna and amanda all are asked to stay. amanda nearly had a coronary when she wasn't called right away. i think she might have made a mistake by basically telling mark how in love/obsessed with him she is.

it's down to mary and maria and while maria prepares herself to back out, she gives mary a pep talk about loving herself. then it seems like they might make out, the two of them. maria even puts her hand on mary's bosom. woo woo. things are kind of awkward for everyone else while they wait for all of this to happen. maria is called up first. again, she is honest with him, but still mark asks her to stay and maria doesn't know what to do. there's a lot of weird cackling from maria, poor mary awkwardly stands there, maria decides to stay. and after all that, mary finally gets the boot. maria's talk must've done something for mary, because she makes it through her whole speech to mark without crying. then she cries all over amanda once it's done.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

I wish one lady from each group weren't knocked off each week -- it really doesn't make it a battle of the ages, as it's been an even playing field so far.

We are down to Kelly (40), Maria (42), Jayanna (39--Wait a second...), Jen - 48 and Mary (24), Amanda (25), Tessa (23), and Megan (21). This week, the kittens and cougars move in together.

Mary cries again. What a fucking shocker. We start off with a triathlon between the youngies and the oldies, where the finish line is Mark in a yacht. First three to reach him get to hang with Mark and have yacht sex. Oh, cute! They start off on bicycles built for two ^_^ These bitches are weak! They have to jog after the bike ride and this is where they all crap out. The old ladies cramp up, the youngies twist ankles and shit. Tessa gets an ambulance for her injury and is DQ'd. and i don't mean dairy queen'd. Jayanna wins, followed by Amanda, with Kelli coming in 3rd. Mary CRIES ABOUT IT!! UGH! Jen doesn't even bother with the paddling. Well..she is 48. at least she wasn't the one in the woo woo bus.

Amanda is head over heels for Mark and I think she might kill the other contestants in a jealous rage. Next, they all go play tennis. Tessa, the Jennie Garth-looking gimp winces through her pain to participate. The 40's win both games, but tessa wins an individual date with mark for her efforts.

Jayanna disses the youngies and would you believe it, Mary CRIES!! A short while later, to the surprise of everyone, Mary cries. On Tessa's individual date with Mark, she talks about how much Amanda likes him. Woops.

Mark gets final one on one time with everyone before elimination. Tess is first, and she explains why she made that bad move, but i'm still unclear. and so is mark (spoiler alert). Jayanna is next, she wisely uses her five minutes to make the hell out with mark. Maria busts him for kissing everyone. Then kisses him. Amanda the cuckoo bird slowly sheaths her knife whilst glaring at her competition. Then cries to Mark and, in my opinion, puts her lead position in jeopardy by showing her insecurities. She tells Mark that when he kissed her, she thought of him kissing Kelli. Mark kind of awesomely replies, "when?" (as in..which of the thousands of times that i've kissed kelli could you be referring to?). Megan something somethings. Mary doesn't cry. o_o Jen asks Mark to kiss her and knocks his socks off. Secret weapon.

Eliminations. Mark dumps Tessa. She shot herself in the foot. Hopefully not the same one with the sprained ankle, because it would be hilarious watching her try to walk. He dumps Kelli of the oldies. Inexplicably. I think it was gonna be Jen until that kiss of hers. Or maybe amanda threated to cut off his peen if he didn't cut kelli loose.

don't forget to watch tomorrow's ep! unfortunately, it doesn't seem that they'll be rerunning last week's ep tomorrow, but you can always catch them online!

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Argh! Silly stupid me forgot this show was on thursdays, and now i am still two episodes behind. i don't think i've seen the very first ep yet and now this past week's. The good news is i only have one more age of love ep to catch up with to be on top of that. The following paragraph covers the Hey Paula episode in which Paula cries, gets free shit, and gets another award.

Paula wants to know what to do to stop people thinking she does drugs. I say she should probably stop doing drugs. or at least going out in public after she does them. She very emphatically says "I DON'T DO -- recreational -- DRUGS!!" Very suspect. Drugs or no, Paula, you act like a loopy loon...so that's what is probs ruining your rep. Paula cries about it at her meeting. awkward. at a gifting event, she picks up a necklace and says "oh, just $300,00! Just another 300 years of american idol." are you telling us you make $1,000 a season paula? Girl, why do you always make your assistants tip for you!? carry some cash around woman! i would HATE to work for her. Paula is BAT SHIT CRAZY!

i'm sensing a theme for each ep, and it is as follows:

paula works so hard that she's super exhausted (though..we never really see her work..we just see her say how exhausted she is) she has an event that she shows up late to. she borrows cash from her staff (vending machines, tips, starbucks, etc). there's some complaining about being mistreated. then she says a bunch of crazy shit, cries, gets the 'truth' out, and ends the ep with a smile.

Friday, July 13, 2007

I really think the editors of this show want us to hate the 20's. And if that's true, they should get a raise, because my tolerance for those bitches is running really low. The producers trick Kelli (40's) and Amanda (25) into thinking that they have one on one dates with Mark, when really the two have 60 minutes to share a date. whoever mark is with at the end, gets to spend dessert with him. Ps, Amanda is the one I think is totally hid. Mark loves her smile, I think she's all smile. and it ain't pretty.

In the meantime, the 20's have to make a group date for the 40's and vice versa.

oh SNAP!! mark totally wanted dessert with Amanda, but Kelli strategically talked until the timer ran out and Mark so politely didn't want to interrupt, so he was stuck with Old Kelli. Those 40's are so clever.

The group date for the youngies is a kids birthday party. Mark totally disses the one i hate (24 - Mary)..as in he walks away from her while she's in the middle of a sentence. hahaha. take that crybaby. Mark chooses adelaide (26) to spend more time with.

The oldies group date is a senior citizens waterobics class. And the youngies may have messed up here, because these ladies don't look bad in bathing suits. Mark chooses maria to hang with, but she ain't feeling it.

Elimination- Maria says that she's planning on leaving tonight because she doesn't feel the connection and she doesn't want to waste anyone's time. I respect that she's actually looking for love and not just to win.

SHOCKER!! - Mark dumps Adelaide!!! Based on a bad kiss. that's all it takes sometimes. Damn. It was between her and my archnemesis Mary too. That means mary is staying. boo.

Maria decides not to leave after all when she hears mark wants her to stay. she does, however, tell mark she was planning on leaving and what he needs to do for her to want to stay. still respectable i think. poor lynn gets dumped for being shy.

Next ep: the broads move in together. Shit's going down!!

Also, I think it's interesting that the youngies are fiercely competitive with and jealous of each other (in addition to the oldies), while the oldies are pretty supportive of their group and view their enemies as the youngies.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

So, I've decided that i'm probably not going to do an ep to ep recapping of Hey Paula, mainly because every single one would look like this:

Paula is a HOT MESS!!! OMG!!! No she didn't!!! Paula is bat shit crazy!! She did what?!?!? That bitch is on the sauce! I'll have what she's having!!

and so on... I know this after seeing just one episode. But I beg everyone out there...if you have Bravo and want to see a hilarious train wreck in slow motion, then tune in every thursday. just because i'm not recapping each episode, don't mean there won't be loads to discuss.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

hello. i'm sara. you may know me from such things as this blog, or, life. i wanted to explain my recent absence - as becca mentioned, i was in the middle of a move. and because i was moving from a tiny room where all the furniture i had to my name was two bookshelves and a desk into an entire apartment with rooms like a kitchen and a living room, i had to buy furniture and stuff to keep me occupied. and then i had to put it all together. all the while, i had my mother in tow. so, i didn't want to be rude and watch reality shows and post about them whilst my mom twiddled her thumbs. oh also, i just got the cablez and the internetz back last friday. so i have a lot of catching up to do... three eps of Hey Paula and two of Age of Love -- i'll do my best to give them their proper due in a timely manner.

the most exciting thing you guys have missed in my life is that i gave an old lady the finger. it was quite a rush.