Vinja’s through-and-through dog bite to the left ear.(Not kidding.) (I suppose that’s what he gets for ignoring all of my persistent medical advice to stop hanging bacon from his earlobes.)

Blossom’s local anesthetic needs for a very large tattoo.(She wanted to know if I considered it safe for her friend (a dentist) to do the anesthesia on her back.Considering there are no teeth on her back, I advised against this.)(Also not kidding.)

[Will remain unnamed]’s scrotal abscess.(I SO wish I was kidding.)(Thank goodness this consultation was solicited from long distance via the telephone.My advice to this individual:Uhhh…you should go see a doctor for that.)

This last encounter has inspired what will be the caveat to all future consultations by loved ones and acquaintances.I hate to have to do this, gentlemen, but from here on out, when someone asks for my advice, my agreement will require the acceptance of the following terms:Keep your boils, your scrotums, and your scrotal boils away from me.Sorry, ladies, I suppose to be fair, you’ll have to keep your ovaries away from me too.

4 comments:

Exactly the reason I dropped out of med school... Once you've seen your friend's abscessed scrotum things just won't ever be the same.

On the other hand this made me think of a great poem a friend of mine wrote called "to a scrotum" (completely free of abscesses). Check it out on http://www.theblisspages.com/cms.php?mbid=39 and get The Queen's Own to read it in his best Scotish accent (it's the second poem on the page).

(The last poem on the page is also very good, it should be read in a manic, coked-up sort of way)

I look forward to reading your no doubt mad observations when you get back (although I suppose they do have computers over there :)

waspgoddess - Many thanks for the Ode to the Scrote. I shall have The Brit memorize it and perform it at the next family function. That'll reel in all the straglers in the family who don't yet think he can hang with our level of vulgarity. And thanks for the well wishes for my travels...I'll post if I can.

mr. poopie - If by t'ait you mean the portion of flesh that lies posterior to the scrote and anterior to the anal verge, then I'm going to have to go with "Yes. Yes this does mean that I will NOT look at your t'ait." PS - Your anal warts are off-limits too. My sincere appologies.

About Me

I am the product of Cuban parents who, aside from smothering me with love, went to great lengths to embarrass me during my impressionable years. This fostered my authorship of several absurdly wistful adolescent girly journals and the eventual need to seek affirmation through education. So I did. I went to med school. And this obnoxious blog (aside from a residency position in general surgery) is what I have to show for it all. Caution: I’m often gross. I frequently fragment sentences. And I always respond well to flattery. So bring it on. (See, I told you I fragment sentences a lot.)