--in your house of memories|

For the past months, I've been trying to post things other than my obligatory Music reviews and year-enders, but I can't. It seems that my thoughts on things other than the aforementioned subject matters don't matter anymore. No one has made me feel this way, but I do; and I don't know how or why, but I still do.

Just for the week I had two drafts written but I stress over whether to post them or not. For one, the contents speak of being real, and though I don't think I've been pretentious big-time, I know I've also been hiding many things. When there's a flick of courage-mixed-honesty influencing my emotions to write, as soon as I finish the posts I'm back to sucking them up. And there's more guilt in that, because I already prepared my mind to expose--then suddenly I'll snap: Wait! Is this right? Isn't this too bothersome? Is this essential? Resulting in frustration topping frustrations.

I'm frustrated with many things, dear journal, and they don't show. I wish I could talk about them but again, what just happens is the description above.

EDIT (April 10): With the recent major changes that's happened in LiveJournal, its management and the terms, it is like a blessing in disguise for keeping me watchful over the site again nowadays. Moreover, in case anything dire happens to Livejournal, I created a Dreamwidth account where all my entries are imported, and crossposted from now on!

Ah, the smell of turkeys... The sound of Thanksgiving! *uhh Leya, you don't celebrate Thanksgiving in your country! /laughs/*

Still and all, it's just the right season to be grateful for EVERYTHING, fandom-wise. I have prepped to make a pimp post/list of all of NEWS' activities this 2016, but I was apparently distant for some time, and I couldn't do it without possibly missing a detail or two (but I still want to do it; why not? ^_^)

Although I'm a week late with the LJ greeting, my birthday posts were actually posted early--minutes to November 11. Ironically, even when now I don't get enthusiastic over NEWS/Tegoshi like I used to, his 29th birthday was his birthday I anticipated the most. Blame the 29-peso Coke Float from McDonalds I got addicted to; every time I bought the flashing ₱29 made me think of Tegoshi (even Brendon) and his then-incoming 29th year of fucking existence.

A week after the post, I’d like to rant. I usually say what I think on FB but I feel like this is a small, shallow complaint, otherwise it affects me negatively. I’m very, very, very disappointed that my birthday post got a low count of 20 notes.

Yes it matters to me, especially when my past tributes never reached below the 50-note mark. There’s a reason I don’t go too personal on Tumblr: it is where I want recognition for my aesthetics rather than to be gushy or soppy (not to say I ain’t ever! For one, my birthday post is a gushy type of post.)

To be fair I still had another birthday tribute posted, and it got an equal number of notes yet it was a sleazy bit that I wasn’t too concerned about. (crossposted on Tumblr and All Things Tegoshit)

It was the antithesis to the seriousness of the other post, and an indicator that despite everything, I was very much having fun that day.

Speaking of having fun! On Nov. 11 I had a spontaneous meet-up with Dhes, where the idea of this entry’s title comes from. “Spontenacious” for the half-carefree, half-solid celebration, and “Cereb-ration”, because we had a whole afternoon/evening of fandom talk—portions of which were intellectual, almost deep discussions about Tegoshi, Tegomass, NEWS… you know, fandom thingamajigs.

And in every fan gathering there’s a huge deal of wacky and tacky:

You know what it meant, right? xD

GOTTA CATCH IT WHOLE... TEGOMON!!

Oraaaaaaayt. Happy Pocky Day as well!

While Tegoshi’s birthday was a “spontenacious cereb-ration”, Tegomass’ anniversary was a very quiet day for me, having a severe cold and cough I can’t even see the computer screen clearly and all I did was borrow (and credit ofc!) a TM fanart from Deviantart and post it on FB.

But the international fandom has been more than ready. In all its awesomeness, here’s the Intl Paana (including the Japanese fans) tribute to テゴマスの10th!

Tegomass is such a powerful duo shown in the prettiest of images, don't you agree? ♥Again, happy birthday Tegoshi and happy anniversary Tegomass. There are a lot of things to be grateful for, and for us, you are on the top of the list.

My tab has died. It was a great loss; although my multimedia files are carefully backed-up, most of the things I created--from my recent diary entries to my graphics, to drafts of blog posts, weren't retrieved when the gadget was formatted. Worse, it was found out to have a more serious defect, and all the cleaning made wasn't sufficient. As much as my heart wasn't ready, my wallet bore the heavier load.

In addition to this, the tab is the only personal gadget I use to surf the internet so if you see this post, I'm using something that 's not mine. I went back to the years 2011-2012, when I was a cyber shop hopper LOL and it feels harder now that I'm already not used to surfing in a public computer. But this is the only way, so... I've been doing this for the past two weeks anyway.

It's just a few hours to NEWS' 13th anniversary and of course I don't want to be sad. My Koi Wo Shiranai Kimi E review is put on hold; basically all my fandom projects, including blog posts. Aw. But I must confess that I had an almost full blackout from the NEWS fandom (for the first time in 6 years!--this signifies a lot!) for two or three months? I mean, a total blackout is impossible (if you have 70% of all your friends from the fandom world), yet it's short of that. Sort of waning feelings *gasp!*, not simply about time.

I didn't plan it actually; it was a little inevitable. Panic! came, RL was in the way, and I got too lax thinking that there are so much more active fans so I won't bother updating until I come back (OF COURSE, I WILL COME BACK. EVEN IT WAS "SORT OF WANING FEELINGS" I KNOW I STILL LOVE NEWS, AND THAT LOVE IS ETERNAL!). I made a comeback post on FB last week, a sad one telling about the situation of my tab, and a little hint in my renewed state as a fangirl that I'm not putting all of my focus on NEWS anymore. I have like, 4 more fandoms and I learned how to treat them as bona fide fandoms hahaha~ Simply put, I became a legit multifandom chick xD

Given the fact that I post sporadically and my posts are mostly rambles than true discussions, am I right to call myself a blogger? Or I'm just putting on a stylized tag, feeling like a figure in the blogosphere when I am just an ordinary netizen who makes myself appear intelligent?

So you see, this is also a rant post in itself. Determined and ready to enter the blogging world again, I spent my December and January reading blogs especially from the Idol fandom, which I even filter to the types of posts that interest me--meaning to say, I only skim through a lot of blog posts and whichever catches my attention I will read till the end. Honestly that's how I make my posts too. Many posts aren't thought-out, and the decent ones, rarely completed. The finished decent ones, rare.

This has never been a big deal to me until I saw a string of really good posts from bloggers I casually follow in the height of my wanting-to-blog mood. It's probably rude to say that after years of 'blogging' I just recently realized that even this hobby needs passion more than will, and will more than time. More than a blogger being rhetoric; more than having a Shakespearean sense of humor. Blogging is, in a way, newscasting without your face needing to be seen. I could clearly see Koyama Keiichiro and Sakurai Sho's professional faces in their respective news programs. Maybe blogging is one step close to professionalism?

Or maybe not. Furthermore, this is what blog actually means:

The original purpose of a blog is personal rather than interpersonal. If we go by this meaning, even social networking sites are blogs. It's to my relief that my random ramblings whether in here or on Facebook could be typed as blogging. Most importantly, my love for using hyperlinks is a predetermining factor! When I say "insert link here", oh, I am already running a blog!

If things were that easy, every Internet user is a blogger then. But don't we see bloggers a lot different from mere netizens? For me, bloggers are the brain of the World Wide Web where everyone is a mouth that talks. And that's what I see in my favorite Idol bloggers: They give insights and bring new perspectives to the Idoldom which markets itself as complete and perfect, no more no less. Netizens always have something to talk about; bloggers always have to talk about something.

That contradicts my idea of blogging close to newscasting. Well, honestly, I thought it was not close at all. Blogging, for me, is comparable to storytelling. When I talk about my life or my fandom, it feels like I'm doing either cheesy or bizarre fiction. When I write analysis, a matter-of-factly nonfiction!

However; the point is, I made this post because I am starting to doubt whether my posts are considered blogging in an experienced blogger's sense. Whether it's seeking validation or just wanting to start anew with my blog this year, I want to know if my posts--my pride as a fangirl, belong to the kind called blogs--my main activity as a fangirl, and if I am really a blogger--the title I've given myself as a fangirl. Is it only fair, or should I drop the title? What happened in the trending mishap of Miss Universe 2015 taught us a lesson, that I could surprisingly apply to the "blogger identity crisis" I have today.

Who is the rightful heir to the Blogging crown?(sources: npr / foxsports / elle)

I want to know if I'm doing it right, but the pride left in me (and a lil bit of fear) says let's not consult this to other bloggers. Instead, I would tend to my own inadequacy, starting 2016 with posts that shout I'M BACK!! even though I'm not sure if this will be regular, or just a moment's spur. Another uncertainty I won't bother finding answers... The main question is enough rattle.

EVERY NOVEMBER 11TH OF THE YEAR I MAKE A BLOG POST FOR TEGOSHI--WHY I LOVE THIS PERSON, WHAT'S SO AWESOME ABOUT HIM, WHAT ARE THE THINGS THAT REMIND ME OF HIM. ♫ FOR HIS 27TH BIRTHDAY, I'M ALREADY OUT OF IDEAS (LOL) BUT I CAME UP WITH A LIST OF REASONS WHY IT'S HARD TO BE A TEGOSHI FAN!

( ^ sorry for the all caps wahahahaha. Did you know that I have fever while typing this? But let's get this posted, for the love of Tego!)

Squeal-inducing fanservice, calling us his girlfriends, doing his best in everything, and calling himself a perfect idol, plus the fact that he's extremely good looking and a pro at singing, are the reasons why we just can't get enough of Tegoshi. But life with him as our bias isn't only about boldness when he blasts on the stage or pride when he accomplishes a project in ItteQ. It's nerve-wrecking too, worrisome, and definitely hard at times. Common reasons?

July 1 - aramatheydidnt has moved out of LJ! Good news because arama renewed itself through the launch of its "improved" version, aramajapan (we'll see in a matter of time if it really does improve). Sad news for the people who stayed in LJ because of arama--like me, who feeds in arama next to news_jpop. This one big move by arama made me realize again that the LiveJournal spirit has been long gone. T^T What will happen next?

July 2 - Kis-My-Journey release. Found the time to listen to it after more than friggin' 15 days. Hey, 2 weeks is long, considering I already dl-ed it the day after the release date. Matagal na sakin yung songs, wala lang talaga akong time makinig O_O

1 month and 10 (?) days since ONE -for the win- release and I still haven't posted my album review. This is enough reason for a rant!

3 weeks since ItteQ's Entertainer Tegoshi episode in the Philippines and I still haven't downloaded the HQ vid. All I have is the LQ copy. I can't with thiiiiiis~

These are all shallow ramblings but I just feel like a super-outdated fan despite having a new laptop. (Yes. Yeeeees. However, like our desktop, it's a shared laptop in our family. Who cares? Ako naman ang madalas gumamit LOOOOOOL) Anyway I'll try to post the 1FTW album review now to lessen the burden--I mean, rants. Ganbarimasu!

Had I known this ahead of time, I would've kidnapped him. Of course I'm kidding. (Oops. Aren't jokes half-meant? xD)

(Above photo: Tegoshi, "PO", and the scenic Manila Bay)

A year ago, me and another Tego-biased friend, Ria, were rambling and ranting wildly about Tegoshi and how he already circled the countries around ours except for ours. We were frustrated, thinking that he should come here because we have a list (a funny list of reasons, from the things he could do to the tourist spots to the band of waiting, emotion-driven Tego-paanas like us!). I also thought that if he couldn't come here any sooner, then he wouldn't come here ever. I may sound like a pessimist but I was just realistic. Hello, Philippines is just one time zone away from Japan! Why can't he notice??? *this is shallow, I know it's entirely not his fault.* Despite the ranting I was just as hopeful as any international fan.

In the months that follow I loaded my imagination with Tego visiting Philippines, maybe for ItteQ or for a short vacation or maybe not just him--but all of NEWS--holding a little concert slash fan event. The first option, ItteQ, was the most reasonable. Though ItteQ went to Baguio (a Philippine city) years ago without him there's still a big possibility of filming an Entertainer Tegoshi segment here!! In fact, among all Johnny's talents, it is Tego who has the biggest chance of going to our country which is apparently "unknown" to Johnny's... Thank God for ItteQ. The pessimist/realist-turned-optimist/still realist me started to look forward, creating the line I never thought I'd diligently say to my self everyday: Pupunta sya rito. Kahit di ko na sya makita, ang importante pupunta sya rito. (He will come here. Even if I don't see him personally, what's important is he will come here.)

Indeed, he came. And indeed, I didn't see him personally.

It was harder than I thought. Filipino fans share the same sentiment--he came and he left, without the most of us knowing. I only got teary-eyed when the preview came out; the others cried hard! Nevertheless we were anxious to watch the full episode which was aired a week after.

He learned the Philippine Bamboo dance, the Tinikling. Ria and I guessed right--we thought Tinikling would be the first, if not the perfect thing he could learn here if ever. Days before the airing, our anticipation grew so as our questions. When did he come? Where did he stay? Did anyone see him? And the desperate question: WILL HE COME BACK?

The Filipinos are naturally close-knitted. This could be seen in social networking sites (a country so small as Philippines belongs to the top 10 or top 15 countries with most users); naturally, the Filipino fans are close-knitted too. Within a day or two, everyone in the fandom, and even the people from other fandoms, were informed of the news. A day or two before the airing, more proof came such as the fan who works at the hotel where he stayed, and the tear-jerking accounts of the dancers he worked with. One said, "He's such a lovable person! Very humble."

Oh Tego, How I strongly hope to see you someday. ;_;

Despite the celebration, there's still the bashing. The skeptics who wouldn't believe (they were, before the full ep. was aired), the cynics who said Tego might have been circling the country but the fans were scarce so one spotted him, and the haters who said Tegoshi doesn't deserve the attention. A friend told me all about this, frustrated, yet we ended up laughing. "Whatever they say! We're the lucky ones!"

Lucky is an understatement. I feel so blessed. I'm sure every Filipino fan feels the same.

Even though it was only a 20-30 minute segment and we actually expected a lot more (e.g. going to Boracay--our world-famous white sand beach!), Tegoshi doing poses at the Manila Bay, learning a Filipino dance from Filipino dancers and saying "Sankyuu PO!" (Po is a Filipino word used for respect *its equivalent in Japanese is ございます*), are definitely reasons to be proud of being a Filipino koneko-chan.

It has become like WordPress. Even though WP was the first blogging platform I learned to use, I don't like that LJ is now "modernizing" itself. I love the out-of-date look more. It makes the users unique. It gives me the fangirl state of mind.

Fortunately, we can just switch back to the old version anytime. But I don't wanna do it soon. I'd like to give the new ver a try.

Till then! ♥--

Aaaaaand before I forget: I HAVE A POEM.

NEWS is backwith more swagit's another soccer-themed songthat'll top 'em all!

Thankfully, KARA is only my second fandom. I don't mean to love them less, I just don't love them more than my first one.

And that is why, thankfully,it doesn't hurt so much. Unfortunately, it worries me more. I think my love for them is challenged.

I don't have a bias in KARA. Advantage: I love the five equally. Disadvantage: I can't take it when my OT5 breaks. Which is happening.

So why with this post?Today is January 16. Today, Nicole's officially out of the group.

I've prepared for this day. But still it pained. And what's more, Jiyoung finally came up with her decision... Guess what it is?

It is... To leave too.

I'm not blaming anyone. Or maybe I am? I blame destiny for me meeting KARA too late.If I have loved them ever since, I know the cut will be deep. But maybe it is better than meeting them late and loving them late; because now it's too late. I've met and loved them them during their darkest era. Was there a happy memory? Of course there was. But the happiest memories were then, when I still wasn't into them. In short I have missed 5 or 6 years of my life.

I love KARA. But now I don't know where to hold on to. I am a Kamilia, but now I'm not even sure of that.

It's November 11, the most-celebrated day in my calendar. Not wondering why. XD It's my cosmic bias' (yeah I love to use the term cosmic because it's just another term for "universal", and it sounds magical and mystical; I love it!) birthday, and also the birthday of other notable people I know. (Did you know Vice President Binay is also celebrating today? Also the great Leonardo DiCaprio, Demi Moore, etc. A good friend, Jhaipachawai, a clanmate, Keikobe, and yeaaaah a ton of people are having their birthday parties today! In short Andami mong kasama Tego! Hindi lang ikaw ang sine-celebrate ko!! Pero dahil biased ako o sige aaminin ko na ikaw lang sine-celebrate ko!!!! Wahahaha *mapanlokong tawa*)

^ OMG What is hyper. :p

On a serious note, I would like to rant on how much I prepared for this day but in the end I ended up doing nothing. No, I did something, a quite decent one I guess, but still not enough for my fussy tastes.

I don’t know what to say in this post. KARA is actually the only KPop group that I follow, even though I can’t say I’m a hardcore Kamilia I’ve always loved this group and its fanbase and I always brag about how strong these girls are.

In the midst of these issues, I kept my mouth shut, for I thought I wasn’t in the position to react at these things (as I followed KARA quite silently.) But today, as the confirmation of Nicole leaving the group soon and Jiyoung’s to-be-confirmed decision of leaving, I want to speak out and say,

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO HAPPEN? Why did it come to this? I know Nicole’s dispute with DSP before. I know Jiyoung is not even in her twenties and has other things yet to pursue, but… I learned to live with KARA5, sing with KARA5, dance with KARA5, and believe in KARA5. Things were inevitable back then but KARA5 showed me (and all of Kamilias) that miracles were real. I remembered reading a post “why KARA is called the Miracle Group”, and from that day on I’ve etched in my heart that KARA5 is here forever. Well, i’m exaggerating on the “forever” part, but you get the point. KARA—Gyuri, Seungyeon, Hara, Nicole, Jiyoung—is the KARA that popularized Rock U, Wanna, MR., Jumping, Lupin, STEP, Pandora, Damaged Lady and more—and is also the KARA that gets a big f*ckin success in Japan (I approve of this because I’m a JPop fangirl), the KARA that stays humble and lovable despite the fame that they get, the pretty pretty girls who could go from sweet to sexy to nice and naughty, the epitome of goodness and strength combined… I could go on forever ranting about how KARA is one hella group of perfection and how KARA is one of those few KPop groups who has a very tight connection with their fans.

But now. Nicole’s leaving. And Jiyoung’s on the verge of it. Suprisingly, I DO NOT HATE. Even DSP I couldn’t curse. Because I am thankful to DSP that they gave this group to us, though I’m also lamenting why this management is a crap. If only DSP did better.

DSP issue aside, we really don’t know the real reason/s for what’s happening. Who knows, DSP was merely not the cause. Maybe Nicole wanted to quit for real? And Jiyoung sees life outside could be better. I don’t know… But as I said, I don’t hate. Whatever happens Nicole and Jiyoung are precious parts of KARA.

I still see KARA as the miracle group, that wouldn’t change. Right now I’m just hoping for the best, wishing for the best, praying for the best. Though for me, the best would have been Nicole and Jiyoung to stay. KARA5 is KARA, can we just stay like this?

As for the question “will KARA disband?” They’ll not. DSP says KARA would still continue its activities, rest assured. And the speculations about going in hiatus or adding members (they’ve been through these before), Oh I don’t know what to feel. I just know it’s purely heartbreaking.

I’ll end this post now. I’m on the verge of crying. T^T

P.S. Kamilia, let’s be strong for KARA. As we watched the fandom bloom, cheered on happy memories and held hands through tight instances, let’s be the same now. Even better. Let’s be Kamilia for KARA’s sake.

Happy birthday Shige, I've been waiting for this day... I was expecting to say a long message for your birthday, but the wind of fate blew another direction and my focus is not on you instead. Sorry sensei! But I love you and I wish the very best for you :*

Now here is the lamest birthday post on Tumblr everrrr. Hahaha~Though aside from that, I did picspam! :D"2 notes" for the win. At least there is. xD

Too many things to add, so little time! The Tegoshi-appreciation-slash-hate-slash love post ends here; I'M SORRY SHIGE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BIRTHDAY POST FOR YOU BUT TEGOSHI IS EATING MY BRAINS (as I eat his banana LOL xDDDD)

And TEGOSHI... Let's just save Tegoshi-flailing later k?Because this post is about KOYASHIGEMASSU and how hilarious I am for worrying who really is my niban among the three?

(o diba, weirdo. xD)

Eh kaseeeeee! I can just say that these three are all my nibans, but, my heart is yearning for ONE NIBAN. It says I should have only one niban, one niban, one niban, and daaaamn I can't decide who's that one niban.

I AM UNDOUBTEDLY HAPPY IN THE FANDOM. Tegomass' Neko Chudoku and all the tracks in it are love ♥, KARA will be making a comeback this June, Japan's national football team is qualified for 2014 World Cup, and having this really big crush on Leo Messi and other football superstars keeps my kyaaaaa-ness meter full. ~(^_^)~

But lately there's a ton of bad vibes I feel going on in the NEWS fandom. I'm not really aware of this since I just came back from internet hiatus, so I won't explain what's happening anymore. Anw I got this sad feeling from the statements of some bewildered fans.

I must quote from 99percentcacao: "Lately, the fandom really has been depressing." Though I am not very aware, I KNEW the reason well. Yes, I knew. Since March I've read some rants about this thing, but I didn't mind, thinking that NEWS fandom is a very strong one (of course the years of hardships and patience proved it!). The other reason why I didn't mind is because it's an old undying issue, I was already sick of it and had moved on.

Now the issue resurfaces and as much as I don't want to intrude, I can't bear saying "I'm happy" when the rest of the fandom is not. Arrrgh.

But, well, what can I do???

HERE'S A DANCING NEKO FOR YOU~!!!I'll end this post with a beautiful line from Hana ni Omoi wo:毎年膨らむ花束 過ごした日々の数だけ (Each year the bouquet gets bigger along with the days we've spent together)

We've spent a lot of time/years with NEWS, the NEWS that will turn 10 this year. They said that they'll make it grand, can we just believe them? Believe them strongly, wait for them peacefully (and happily). ♫

Owari. Despite this anxiousness, I still have a big respect for NEWS fans. ♥

When I stare at their pictures, Tegoshi is the one that I first noticed--and keep on noticing.

When I listen to their songs, I always memorize Tegoshi's parts, even praising his voice and all.

You can say that I love Tegoshi more than NEWS itself-- well, as a matter of fact, I had thought of that too. Yes,I am a very biased Tegoshi fan (while I'm encoding this I am listening to Ai Nante solo version), but loving NEWS is a different thing.

I love NEWS, no doubt.

Why?

I can live for a day just thinking of Tegonyan,but I can't live a day without thinking of NEWS.And if I can live a day without thinking of NEWS, I still can't live without NEWS.

I love Tegonyan as just himself (without the 5),but I love the Tegonyan in NEWS more.

I love the Tegonyan in NEWS,and I want him to be in NEWS--with Koyama,Pi,Massu,Shige,Ryo.And even Tegonyan is my bias in NEWS,I love Koyama,Pi,Massu,Shige,Ryo.

For NEWS is nothing without Tegoshi,and Tegoshi is not the Tegoshi I love without NEWS.