Synopsis:
Dame Thyme has hit on hard times and her and her son Justin, have been surviving on a diet of beetroot for months. Justin is sent to the village to pawn his mother’s wedding ring and there he meets Princess Nightingale, the beautiful daughter of the toffee-nosed King Rolo. She is masquerading as a villager in order to escape the attentions of the evil witch Zendora, who had cast a wicked spell on her when she was only a child. She of course doesn’t believe in witches, but is humouring her parents in the matter. Justin and the Princess fall in love, but they are separated by the actions of Walter the village idiot and Nightingale’s maidservant. Back at the palace the action heats up with the preparations for the royal ball and we meet the feuding royal cooks Salt and Pepper, who play out a vigorous slapstick kitchen scene with comic villains Sage and Onion refereed by the foppish royal Valet. All the while, Walter the village idiot wanders through various scenes for no apparent reason carrying an ever present cardboard box, the contents of which keeps everyone guessing and involves the audience in a `What's in the box Walter' routine. Despite the assistance of Sage and Onion, Zendora is defeated and Dame Thyme’s dark secret is finally revealed.

Roles:
13 principals plus one big slapstick scene for Salt & pepper. Also several minor speaking roles and a chorus.

Runtime:
All of our scripts have a runtime of approx 120 minutes, assuming that you use the full number of suggested musical numbers and not including any interval. But this is very dependent on your own production and can be edited by yourselves to suit.

Music:
All of our pantomimes come with a full, suggested songs and music cues and SFX list.

Music cue 1: Villagers. After song ends…Villagers mingle about upstage.

Felix enters (SL)

Felix
(to audience) Hiya kids! (little response) I said ‘hiya kids’! (audience respond) That’s better. My name’s Felix and I live right here in the village of Tapioca, in the Kingdom of Ambrosia. It’s a nice little place…no love I said ‘nice’ not ‘rice’. The King doesn’t likanyone making jokes about Ambrosia. And if anyone does the palace guards take them into custardy. Ha-ha, only joking. Ambrosia’s a lovely little place, especially now that the nasty dragon has been slain. It’s true! We used to have a real fire-breathing dragon here and the King offered a huge reward to anyone who could get rid of it. Let me see now…first there was the Pied Piper, who ended up as the ‘fried piper’. Then a knight called Rab, who ended up as a kebab. It was a bit of a lottery until a knight from Camelot speared the dragon, made it rollover and hit the jackpot. And now there’s nothing to be afraid of. Well that’s not quite true, there’s still Dame Thyme. And she’s scarier than any dragon. And talk about taste! She’s the only person I know who was asked to leave a library, because her clothes were too loud. And fancy calling her son Justin, I mean…

Music cue 2: Town Crier enters (SR) and unwinds a scroll.

Town crier
Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Their royal majesties hereby invite all citizens of Ambrosia to a fancy-dress ball tomorrow at the palace. To celebrate the eighteenth birthday of Princess Nightingale! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! (rolls up the scroll and exits)

Villagers
(variously) A royal party! How exciting! Etc.

Villagers exit (SR) chattering excitedly.

Walter enters (SL) carrying a cardboard box.

Felix
(to audience) Eh-up, it’s Walter the village idiot. He’s harmless really, but he never goes anywhere without that box of his. We play a little game around here called ‘what’s in the box Walter’? You can all play along if you like. Whenever anyone says ‘what's in the box Walter’? You can all join in. Let’s have a go, shall we? After three…three! (leads audience) What’s in the box Walter?

Walter
Dripping.

Felix
(looks in box) Shouldn’t it be in a food container? Not, just swilling around loose in a cardboard box. (dips a finger in and tries some) It’s a bit salty this pork dripping.

Walter
It’s not pork dripping.

Felix
Beef dripping?

Walter
No.

Felix
Well if it’s not pork dripping or beef dripping. Then what kind of dripping is it?

Felix
(gags) Ugggh! I’ll never eat dripping, ever again. By the way, Walter. Have you heard about the royal ball? It’s going to be even bigger than the one they threw for Professor Newton, when he won the Nobel prize.

Walter
(puzzled) Professor Newton won a prize for not having a bell?

Felix
No Walter. It’s the ‘Alfred Nobel’ prize.

Walter
So, Alfred won one as well? (thinks) ‘Ere, can I have a one then?

Felix
What for?

Walter
(looks in his box) Well I’ve got no bell either.

Felix
It’s not the only thing you haven’t got. (circles finger next to head) Goodbye Walter. (guides him off SL)

Justin Thyme enters (SR)

Justin
Hiya Felix!

Felix
Hiya Justin. Have you heard the news?

Justin
What news?

Felix
The King and Queen are throwing a fancy-dress ball for Princess Nightingale’s eighteenth birthday, and everyone’s invited.

Justin
Oh, no!

Felix
What’s wrong? I thought you liked a good do.

Justin
Yes, and so does mother. Remember the last time she went to a party?

Felix
(wryly) How could I forget? She thought a pyjama party meant you had to turn up in what you sleep in, and she only sleeps in her birthday suit.

Justin
It was so embarrassing.

Felix
Not half as embarrassing as some of her outfits. (looks about in alarm) She’s not with you, is she?

Felix
(calling after him) Bye Justin! (to audience) I think I’d better go too before Dame Thyme turns up. She fancies me like mad and I’d have to be mad to fancy her. I wouldn’t say she was ugly, but she must have sucked an awful lot of lemons to look the way she does. And she’s always knitting me presents. So far she’s knitted me three pairs of socks, none of which match. A scarf that’s longer than a football pitch. And a jumper that feels like I’m wearing a Brillo Pad. I suppose her heart’s in the right place. Unfortunately, it’s the only part of her that is.

Dame. T
(off) Justin!

Felix
Oh ‘eck! (starts tiptoeing off SL)

Dame Thyme enters (SR)

Dame. T
Where is that boy? I sent him to the village hours ago. (spots Felix) Oh, Feeelix!

Felix
(turns) Oh no, it’s the creature from the black lagoon.

Dame. T
Blackpool, actually. Well, Felix. You look like the cat that got the cream.

Felix
(grimaces) I think it’s just curdled.

Dame. T
(framing her face) How do you like my golden tan?

Felix
You never got a tan like that in Blackpool!

Dame. T
Oh, yes I did…well, from a branch of Boots in Blackpool anyway. (to audience) I love Blackpool, don’t you? Fish and chips, candy floss, bingo…and that was only on the coach going. I even went on the big one…you know…the ‘Coca-Cola’.

Felix
You mean, the ‘Pepsi Max’?

Dame. T
‘Coca-Cola Pepsi’ what’s the difference? (to audience) Have any of you lot been on it? (audience respond) And were you frightened? (audience respond) I wasn’t. It takes a lot to frighten me.

Felix
(aside to audience) She’s usually the one doing all the frightening.

Dame. T
I beg your pardon?

Felix
I said ‘did anyone get frightened’?

Dame. T
Well there was one young man sat sitting on his own, who looked rather nervous. And as I moved closer I could see him getting more and more frightened.

Felix
I don’t blame him.

Dame. T
So, I sat next to him and grabbed his hand tight and said. ‘calm down love, we haven’t even started yet’. But he just screamed ‘no and we’re not going to’ and jumped off. I suppose the thought of going all the way was just too much for him.

Zendora
If you are up to the task, you could become rich beyond your wildest dreams.

Onion
(sidles up against her) I must warn you, I have some pretty wild dreams.

Sage
(drags Onion away) We’re your men, Mrs.

Zendora
(snaps) Ms! (Mizzz!)

Onion
(looks around again) There’s that bee again.

Sage
(to Zendora) What do you want us to do then?

Zendora
I want you to carry something out for me.

Onion
No problem.

Sage
Where do you want us to carry it?

Zendora
I don’t want you to carry it anywhere.

Onion
(to Sage) I told you she was weird.

Zendora
It’s a ‘plan’ you fools!

Onion
It must be a big one if you need help carrying it.

Sage
Don’t you know what a plan is?

Onion
‘Course I do. (rubs his tum) I like cheese and tomato myself.

Zendora
I said a ‘plan’ not a ‘flan’!

Sage
(to Onion) How did I ever get lumbered with you?

Onion
(puzzled) We’ve got the same mum!

Sage
Yes, and that’s the only reason I put up with you.

Onion
If mum could see the way you treat me, she’d turn in her grave.

Sage
(exclaims) Mum’s not dead!

Onion
Isn’t she?

Sage
No, she’s alive and well and working in Iceland!

Onion
I didn’t know she’d emigrated.

Sage
She works in frozen foods, you idiot!

Onion
Well it is cold over there.

Sage
Twit! If brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your own nose!

Onion
That’s not funny. (laughs to audience) ‘Snot’ funny. Get it?

Zendora
Let me explain gentlemen.

All huddle and whisper - then separate.

Sage
That’s a cunning wicked and evil plan.

Zendora
I know, but you won’t get paid extra for flattery.

Sage
You can rely on us Mrs.

Zendora
(furious) Mizzzzz!

Onion
(looking around) That bee’s still here.

Zendora
Fool! There is no bee!

A Child dressed as a Bee runs across stage behind them and exits opposite side, but only Onion spots it.

Onion
(encourage audience) Oh yes, there is!

Zen & Sage
Oh no, there isn’t!

Onion
(to audience) If that Bee appears again, will you all make a loud buzzing noise like this? Bzzzzzz! (audience ‘yes’) Great.

The Bee enters again and stands behind them and audience respond.

Onion
(to audience) Is the giant bee behind us now? (audience ‘yes’)

Zen & Sage
(to audience) Oh no, it isn’t!

Onion
(encourage audience) Oh yes, it is!

Sage
Right then, I’ll prove there’s no bee behind us. On the count of three we’ll all turn. (counts slowly) 1…2…3!

As the count starts, the Bee exits.

All turn and discover nothing there.

Sage
You see? There’s no giant bee behind us.

The Bee enters again and stands behind them and audience shout.

Onion
Is the giant bee behind us again? (audience ‘yes’)

Zen & Sage
Oh no, it isn’t!

Onion
(encourage audience) Oh yes, it is!

Sage
It doesn’t matter anyway, ‘cos bees are quite nice really.

Bee nods its head and poses.

Onion
Yeah and they make lovely sweet honey.

Bee nods its head and rubs its tummy.

Zendora
Well I hate bees. They’re nasty stinging things. And for some strange reason, my magic doesn’t work on them. If I had my way they’d all be exterminated!

Bee stands with hands on hips and then angrily taps Zendora on the back.

Zendora
(turns) Arghh! A giant Bee!

The Bee jumps about angrily and turns its stinger towards Zendora.

Zendora
No! Keep it away from me!

The Bee backs (stinger first) towards Zendora.

Zendora
Arrrgh! Help! (runs off SL chased by the Bee)

Onion
(to Sage) It soon made her buzz off.

Sage
She’ll be back. And if we manage to pull this job off, we could end up rich.

Onion
What would you do if you were rich?

Sage
I’ll tell you. Music cue 5: Sage. After song ends…What would you do if you had loads of money?

Onion
I’d put it all in a big oxo tin and hide it under the bed.

Sage
Why?

Onion
‘Cos that’s what mum always did.

Sage
Only to stop the landlord getting his hands on it. (knowingly) Mind you, it wasn't the only thing he tried getting his hands on.

Onion
That’s true. Maybe that's why mum emigrated.

Sage
Mum hasn't emigrated, but maybe you should.

Onion
Why?

Sage
To stop me from throttling you! (goes to grab him)

Onion
Ohwerr!

Sage chases Onion Music cue 6: Both exit (SL)

Music cue 7: Fairy enters (SR)

Fairy Light
Zendora has her foolish pair,
She thinks they’ll be of use to her.
But the royal party grows ever near,
A time Zendora would fill with fear.
The Princess Nightingale will have to beware,
But I will be near to lend a care. (exits SR)

Blackout - cloth/tabs in - lights up.

Scene Two

On The Road

Dame Thyme enters (SL) carrying a heavy bag which she drops (CS)

Dame. T
Well that’s the last of the beetroot dug up. And once those have gone, we’ll have nothing left to eat. (elicits sympathy) Do you know folks, we’re so poor we’ve been eating nothing but beetroot for the past three months. We’ve had pickled beetroot, beetroot soup, beetroot pie, beetroot mash and beetroot chips. If I eat any more beetroot, I’ll start to look like one. And I’ve had to dig this lot up on my own, because Justin’s nowhere to be found. I would’ve asked Felix to help, but every time we meet he goes to pieces. (preens) He’s obviously overawed by my ravishing beauty. I said if he dug beneath the surface he would discover the real me. But he just said he wasn't interested in archaeology. Silly boy. I don’t care what he does for a living.

Justin enters (SR)

Justin
(cheerily) Hello mum!

Dame. T
You took your time. Mind, you've always been a slow child. 72hrs of agonising labour you caused me before you were born.

Justin
You can't blame me for that!

Dame. T
Well I suppose your father might’ve had something to do with it.

Justin
I should hope he did! Otherwise you know what that makes me.

Dame. T
Let’s not rake up the past Justin, there’s a good boy. You know it only upsets me.

Justin
Let sleeping dogs lie, eh?

Dame. T
Exactly.

Justin
Let bygones be bygones.

Dame. T
I couldn’t have put it better myself.

Justin
Should auld acquaintance be forgot…

Dame. T
…And never brought to mind.

Both
(sing) #Should auld acquaintance be forgot for the sake of auld-lang-syne#

Dame. T
(sniffs) I’m filling up now. It was after a new year’s party that your father ran off with that barmaid, from the Frog and Firkin.

Justin
But you told me he’d abducted by aliens!

Dame. T
Well she’s the closest I’ve seen to one.

Walter enters (SL)

Dame. T
Oh, look. It’s Ambrosia’s very own mastermind.

Justin
(leads audience) What’s in the box Walter?

Walter
A box.

Justin
Yes, but what’s in it?

Walter
A box.

Justin
(frustrated) I know it’s a box, Walter. But what’s in it?

Walter
A box!

Dame. T
(to audience) This could go on for some time, so if you’d like to get a drink or use the loo. Now’s your chance.

Justin
Let’s have a look. (opens the box and takes out a smaller box) It’s a box!

Justin
(stares closely at Dame) Are you all right mum? You look a bit red in the face.

Dame. T
It’s all those flaming beetroots I’ve been eating. They’re ruining my complexion. (to audience) Do you know boys and girls, I used to have such beautiful skin that Oil of Olay used me in their TV ads.

Justin
Only to show what you'd look like if you didn’t use it.

Dame. T
Cheek! I got a year’s supply of anti-wrinkle cream for those ads.

Justin
Well you’ve obviously never used any of it.

Dame. T
I never needed to. I’ve always had smooth wrinkle-free skin.

Justin
So, what did you do with it all?

Dame. T
What do you think you’ve been having in your sandwiches for the past three months?

Justin
Ughh! I thought it was funny tasting cheese spread.

Dame. T
Yes, but just think of the benefits.

Justin
What benefits?

Dame. T
When you’re old and wrinkled on the outside, you’ll still be young on the inside (laughs) Now how much did you get for my ring?

King Rolo
Yes, and then she’ll finally be free of Zendora’s wicked spell.

Queen Bea
Now you’re sure there are no spinning wheels left in the kingdom?

King Rolo
Of, course I am. We had that extra big bonfire on Guy Fawkes night, remember?

Queen Bea
Oh, yes I remember. And someone mistook you for the guy.

King Rolo
Yes, and I sacked the Valet who dressed me that night. (glances at Valet)

Valet
I’m Savile Row trained your majesty.

King Rolo
‘Saville Row’!? More like Coronation Street.

Nightingale bounces happily on (SR)

Nightingale
Good morning everyone!

King Rolo
Ah, Nightingale. Your mother and I were just discussing your birthday party.

Queen Bea
Have you had many cards dear?

Nightingale
Yes, mother. Aalthough this one…(produces a card)…was rather strange.

King Rolo
Why? What does it say?

Nightingale
(reads) ‘For your eighteenth birthday the kingdom doth prepare,
But now is the time for all to beware.
Nothing can stop me though spinning wheels burn,
So, get yourselves ready for Zendora’s return’.

Kin/Qu/Val
She’s back!

Nightingale
Who’s back?

King Rolo
Zendora!

Queen Bea
We’ve never told you about her, dear.

King Rolo
We didn’t want to upset you.

Nightingale
Why would it upset me? Who is Zendora anyway?

Queen Bea
Zendora’s a witch who cast a wicked spell on you when you were only a baby.

King Rolo
Zendora vowed that on your eighteenth birthday, you would prick your finger on a spinning wheel and…die!

Nightingale
Well you needn’t worry your superstitious little heads. I have no intention of going near any old spinning wheels, even if there were any. And I don’t believe in fairies, witches or…(football team)…winning the FA cup.

King Rolo
You must stay in your room until tonight, Nightingale. That way the royal guards can protect you.

Nightingale
But I don’t want to spend all day in the stuffy old palace.

Queen Bea
The palace isn’t stuffy. I had it hoovered only yesterday.

Valet
Pardon me your majesties.

Queen Bea
Why? Have you committed a crime?

King
Have you seen what he’s wearing?

Valet
Very droll your majesty. But won’t Zendora expect to find the Princess at the palace?

King Rolo
Yes, and if she shows up here we’ll be ready for her. (shouts) Guards!

All move upstage and Royal Guards enter. Music cue 10: Guards. After song ends…Guards exit.

King Rolo
She’ll never get past the palace guards.

Valet
She got past them before sire. The Princess might be be safer in the village than the palace.

King Rolo
Don’t be ridiculous, she’d stand out a mile!

Valet
Not if she dresses like a villager, sire.

King Rolo
(outraged) I won’t have my daughter wearing rags!

Nightingale
The villagers don’t wear rags these days, father.

King Rolo
(surprised) They don’t?

Valet
Oh, no sire. The high street is full of designer clothes shops. I got this outfit from a little boutique called ‘Buttons and Bows’ (twirls)