Syria freedom fighters thanking foreign supporters to death

Amid the daily clashes between government and opposition forces, a group of gracious insurgents in Syria is remembering to thank foreign supporters to death.

Calling itself “Thanks For Your Help, Now Put This Bag Over Your Head,” the group has been surprising foreign journalists and photographers with secret thank-you parties in hidden locations. After a few days of recording videos and forcing emotional pleas, the rebels offer their firm gratitude until the sympathetic visitors become deceased.

“Those guys, they like to catch you off guard,” said one source familiar with the practice. “One minute you’re in a parked car next to a safehouse tweeting how the United States needs to fire some Tomahawk missiles to help out the rebels, and the next minute those very rebels have you tied up and gagged. If they really feel indebted to you, you might get to witness the traditional practice of finding a wounded Syrian soldier, removing his heart and eating it before he totally loses consciousness.”

Since the conflict began more than 30 months ago, at least 100 foreign journalists have been thanked to death, with dozens more held as long-term houseguests in funky, off-the-beaten-path hideouts.