One
of the many fascinating topics when it comes to the relationship between
traditional Judaism and modern culture is the Jewish view on marriage and the
mitzvah of “being fruitful and multiplying”. We find clear definitions in the ShulchanAruch (Even Haezer, 1-2) in regards to one’s obligation to marry and
[attempt] to have children. All the obligations of husband to wife and vice
versa are also clearly defined in Even Haezer
(starting with chapter 69). However there is very little written about the psychological
aspect of marriage and in particular attraction and love in it. This article
will discuss what seemed to have been the traditional approach to marriage
based on the way Chazal and later authorities viewed it.

On
the one hand we find clear implications that the keeping of the mitzvah of
being fruitful and multiply was always the main purpose of marriage and love
and human feelings at times had to be ignored. Some of the examples of
this are the following halachot:

-When a man lived with his wife for 10 years and did not have children he
needs to divorce her. Traditionally the question of how
emotionally hard this may be was not raised. Even though Rema (Even Haezer 1) mentions
that in our day we don’t enforce this law, he does not imply that it’s proper
to remain married to a woman who does not bring children.

-Under certain conditions a woman who does not want to continue living
with her husband is denied a “get”. There is an argument in the Rishonim whether a husband of a woman who claims he is
repulsive to her, is forced to give her a “get”,
and we pasken that he does not have to. Certainly
according to all opinions any claim of a woman that she simply no longer loves
him, or loves someone else is not valid reason to enforce a “get”. (After Cherem of Rabeinu Gershom a
similar law applies to a man, he can’t divorce his wife simply because he does
not love her).

-According to Rema a man is permitted to marry
a woman for money. AruchHashulchan
goes further to state that it’s proper for a TalmidChacham to marry a woman for money so he can learn Torah
without being disturbed (see also TshuvotVehanhagot 3:390).

-A man who did not marry until he is 20 was enforced to marry (ShulchanAruch, Even Haezer, 1). It seems that if a person was looking for a
long time and could not find a woman he would fall in love with, would have to
marry a woman he does not particularly love. It’s not clear how this law was
ever enforced and of course in our day we don’t enforce it (Rema).

On
the other hand we find two sources in the Talmud that seem to imply that both
attraction and love are required in a marriage. However after more careful
analysis it seems that both sources are requiring far less than what we would
expect from marriage today. The first source is in Kidushin
41a: “A man may not betroth a woman before he sees her, lest he [subsequently]
see something repulsive in her, and she becomes loathsome to him, whereas the
All-Merciful said, love your fellow as yourself”. In practice Rambam (IsureyBiah 21:3) writes that it’s proper to look at the woman
when checking whether one will want to marry her and Raavad
argues with this. The ShulchanAruch
(21:3) brings the shita of Rambam
but in many communities the dictum of the sages was fulfilled simply by meeting
right before the wedding (see also DivreyYatziv Even Haezer 48, MishneHalachot 9:261-268). In
any event the statement of the Gemorah only requires
the minimal attraction lest he finds her repulsive later.

The
second statement is in Yevamot 62b that praises the
one who loves his wife like himself. The Rambam (Ishut 15:19) brings this statement but the ShulchanAruch does not. The love
that’s implied in the context seems to be general taking care of her and
treating her well. It does not imply the romantic love usually associated with
marriage in modern culture.

The
conclusion seems to be that while some mutual respect and minimal attraction is
considered important in proper marriage, technically speaking true love does
not play a major role in traditional Jewish thought. One is permitted to marry
a woman he does not particularly love, and divorce is not administrated simply
because of lack of love. Marriage is viewed like other mitzvot
that don’t require any special love in order to fulfil them (and in the vein TzavatHaRivash compares the wife
to tefilin).