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Why I Love Your Fantasy Football Team

The following was written by THE USB’s very own fantasy football expert Steve Cook:

If you play fantasy football, you’re a good individual. If you constantly tell me about your fantasy team, then you’re somebody I can actually have a conversation with. I care about your fantasy team. Nobody else does. A lot of the people that help you set up your fantasy team…they don’t care. Matthew Berry, Eric Karabell, Evan Silva…they probably don’t care because they’re getting funded by media giants. But I do.

I want to hear about your fantasy team. I care who you drafted, I care if your top draft pick got injured, and I care who won or lost you the week. I have my own teams, real and fantasy, to worry about. But I care about yours too, because I’m just that kind of guy.

I play fantasy football. I play pretty much any fantasy sport there is because I get a lot of fun out of it. I don’t play for money, I check my team throughout the games on Sunday, and I take it seriously. Some people try to make a dozen trades and are active on the waiver wire and have developed strategies and algorithms and equations that will lead them to victory each week. Those people include me, because I’m looking for any angle to win a league.

(Though I have to say…the waiver wire is a lot better than trading. That way, you don’t have to deal with other people.)

I still care about your team. I care about the trade you made or the guy you got off the waiver wire. I care about your draft strategy. It helps me out when I have later drafts and am pondering strategies.

As far as you people that play daily fantasy…well, that’s some pussy ass shit. Why not play for a full season? Cause you got no balls, that’s why. It takes a lot more intelligence and analysis to pick a team for a full season than to pick a team for only one week. It insults me that somebody would pay you for that nonsense. That’s why I’m glad that FanDuel & DraftKings are getting banned in so many states. Fuck you testiclelessness motherfuckers. But if you’re going all-in for all-season, you’re a good egg.

I do have to admit that I care about my real football team over my fantasy team. If I get beat by a team that started Andy Dalton and he got 300 yards & 4 TDs, then I ain’t even mad. If I get beat by a team that started A.J. Green and he got 150 yards and 3 touchdowns, then I ain’t even mad. If I get beat by a team that started Jeremy Hill and he got 100 yards and 2 touchdowns, then I ain’t even mad. If I get beat by a team that started Tyler Boyd and he got 4 touchdowns, then I wanna shake your hand!

Look at it like this: If you’re a fantasy player, you’re essentially the general manager of a football team, right? Right. You’re one of a million different general managers running a fantasy team. And you’re running a team based on what happens in real football, where there are already 32 different teams to keep up with. If you’re a casual football fan, you probably keep up with your team and have a general idea about the other 31 teams. You don’t have time to care about the team that your friend or a stranger is running, especially when those teams wouldn’t exist without the 32 teams that matter. Unless you’re deep into fantasy football, when you have plenty of time to worry about other teams! And, let’s be honest, any good football fan should worry about the other three teams in their division. I’m a Bengals fan, and the AFC North is always competitive, so I always look into what the Steelers and Ravens are doing. And occasionally the Browns, especially since they hired Hue Jackson & I know that Hue Jackson is an offensive genius.

Play fantasy football. Have fun with it. Regularly update me on how your fantasy team is doing because I care, and I love you. I got nobody else to love.