How Lindsay Lohan Ended Up With Her Shitty Lawyer

It’s just been assumed that Lindsay Lohan hired Mark Heller as her attorney because he works for blowjobs instead of real money, but apparently that’s only 75-90% of it. Turns out Lindsay works with Heller’s son Mike who arranges for celebrities to “party” with wealthy guests in the Hamptons which also explains how Dina finds time to drink so much. She only books international johns. FOX411 reports:

Her lawyer’s son works to stage celebrity photo ops and brand-related party appearances. Meaning, Heller Jr. is seemingly the one providing the once promising film star with a means of income now that her movie career is pretty much non-existent.
“Mike books gigs for Lindsay and they’ve known each other for a long time,” a Lohan camp insider told FOX411’s Pop Tarts column. “She’s not likely to part ways with his father [attorney Mark Heller] anytime soon, because of her strong ties to his son. Without brand promotion, Lindsay would be in a lot deeper financial trouble.”

And if you’re wondering if the slippery acorn didn’t fall far from the slippery tree, check out this slippery shit:

“She is extremely happy with him and never gave up on him no matter what the media twisted and said about my father. She trusted him and now is happy she listened to her gut instinct because he got her a way, way better deal than she was originally being offered,” younger Heller said, noting that the now persistent stories of “witness tampering” directed at his father are totally “fake.”
“But at the end of the day it’s about the results,” he told us. “And my dad got them.”

Yes, her dad got the “results” alright. Because if there’s one thing a client looks for in an attorney, it’s fucking up every single plea deal so you get stuck with a 90 days in lockdown rehab instead of sitting at home for 30 days making sure your SCRAM bracelet doesn’t register vodka while you’re watching Netflix. “Longer sentences are my favorite!” Lindsay said between hedge fund managers’ penises.