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This is going to sound very Vegan Shoes and Incense, or worse, like a vision board, but I have figured out how my life works: I think about something I might want, really want, more or less forget about it, then unconsciously move towards it, accomplish it and wake up to find fragments of it as part of my past. Foreshadowed. I suck at goals and have found that goal setting is, for me, a recipe for disaster, even in small increments like to-do lists. On a day to day basis, I often feel like an unproductive failure because I can’t do this. I’m reasonably sure my mind only works in the meta, for curious psychological and intellectual reasons.

I’m trying to get the idea of What Could Come Next into my head. The place I am at now happened purely because I met a couple of people in school to do what I do and recognized it as an option. It had never occurred to me, and it certainly wasn’t the childhood goal it was for a serious number of my classmates. I didn’t do it for prestige or because my parents made me, I did it because once I knew where to look the opportunity was obvious and Just Showed Up.

I’m finding it difficult because I can’t see anyone leading parts of the, assumingly productive, life I want to lead yet. I know I’m in the wrong geographical location for this, for various reasons. It may also be that I can’t see what’s already sunk in, that the reason this time feels so hard is because it’s a period of processing.