Three things can not be long hidden: The sun, the moon, and the truth. –Buddha

Good to have you back sun, we missed you. Stop hibernating.

Clearly an epic last few weeks in the world. So I figured I’d break it all down piece by piece. Let’s take a quick look.

April 30, 2012: First day of sunshine and spring in the state of Oregon. One day it’s 50 degrees and overcast, the next day 78 with an odd color up above. I think people call it blue, I forgot.

I am a huge history nut and in terms of the past, April 30th is a monster. Next year remember, in 1789 on the balcony of Federal Hall in New York City, George Washington took the oath of office to become the first elected POTUS, solidfying this whole U.S.A. deal. Unfortunately, he was not in attendance 219 years later when the bubble burst, or he would have pistol-whipped every power broker, chopped down 17 cherry trees, and roadhoused the housing market back into fruition. G-Dub the Original Badass. And if you read that link, speaking of the French…

14 years later the United States wins the day with the Louisiana Purchase in April 1803 for a mere $15 Million from France. We in the business like to call this Jeffersonian Pwnage. The domestic policy actually mirrors a tactic implemented by Oregon head coach Chip Kelly almost 2 centuries later: Spread out offensively and aggresively, spend money in somewhat controversial means, gain traction in Texas and the midwest, and garner world-wide recognition.

The Coach, The Purchase, The Offense, The Weapon

May 2, 2012: How did we get here?

The Scream, by Edvard Munch, sells at auction in New York for a record $119.9Million, because let’s be honest, $120 Mill is a little too steep for a painting. What you may not know is that it is actually one of four versions drawn by the Norweigan expressionist. One of the less popular earlier versions still safely resides in Springfield.

I know what you’re thinking, well Charlie what would you buy for $120Mill? You mean other than 8 Louisiana Purchases? Ohhh French burn! For myself it’s simple – Dr. Emmitt Brown and the Delorian. To be used to go back in time to buy the NY Yankees and relocate them to Japan, and to let the fan with the billy goat stay in the stands so the Cubbies win the Series. I have modest wishes.

Life Lesson – If you ever meet anyone named Edvard, give him a crayon immediately, make the Home Alone face, and get him drawing. Thank me when it sells for the GDP of Palau. My head hurts.

May 5, 2012: Cinco de Mayo. A virtual hurricane of sports events collided with the Mexican holiday where Caucasians gained their independence to be belligerent and dawn sombreros. ¡Viva Mexico!

Kentucky Derby – I’ll Have Another overtakes Bodemeister in the final stretch to win the stakes at Churchill Downs, proving once again that anyone with the suffix -meister, will lose. It’s like Lebron with 1 minute left, you just look the other way and shake your head.

Mayweather v. Cotto – From this point forward, for any boxing, MMA, jujistu, or taekwondo fights I will bring in my brother Connor to break down the bout.

On the Ropes presented by Connor™

Last week Floyd Mayweather fought in a title bout against someone named Miguel Cotto. Unfortunately, Miguel Cotto is not a psuedonym for Manny Pacquaio. Therefore, I am unable to even aknowledge this fight or Floyd Dismayweather’s very existence until he agrees to step in the ring with the Pacman.

I mean, I’m not going to sit here and say Mayweather is scared, or that he is making excuses about his future health, or that his $40Million offer to Pacquaio is outrageous as he could gross well over $100Million himself, or that he simply fears losing his undefeated status, or that his PED claims against Pacquaio are unfounded and egregious, or that he’s just continually making excuses, or that he appears downright afraid. I’m not. Connor out.

Floyd Mayweathermeister, fading down the stretch.

May 11, 2012: Manchester City beats Queens Park Rangers, scoring 2 goals in stoppage time to claim their first Premier League Title in 44 years, edging out their cross-town rivals Manchester United. It is already being dubbed one of the greatest matches in the history of the Premier League. The platinum goal:

My apologies about the quality. The English are copyright pythons.

To you Americans who hate the footie, let me break down how epic this story actually was. Man City, the Premier League’s perennial version of the New York Mets, absolutely stole the title from Man U (NY Yankees) in the most improbable fashion. While Man U was preparing their victory speeches, City drops two miracles, steals the trophy, and kicks The English Franchise in the teeth. So take 20th century bitter Red Sox/Cubs fandom, add a neglected little brother complex, throw some hooligans into the mix and you have Disney’s first R-rated version of Cinderella. Just imagine the 2004 Red Sox actually down 7 games to 0 to the Yankees, in a best of 15 series, rattling off 8 straight walk-off homers to take the series 8-7, and send their rivals home in a bodybag. That happened a week ago. Announcer Martin Tyler captured it perfectly,

“I swear you’ll never see anything like this ever again… Two goals in added time for Manchester City to snatch the title away from Manchester United! STUPENDOUS!!!”

Yup.

May 12, 2012: Aaron Sorkin delivers the greatest commencement speech I have ever seen to his alma mater Syracuse University. It is authentic, gripping, moving, and absolutely original; the Moneyball of graduation speeches. In case you don’t want to watch the video, just read the best part below:

I’ve made some bad decisions. I lost a decade of my life to cocaine addiction. You know how I got addicted to cocaine? I tried it. The problem with drugs is that they work, right up until the moment that they decimate your life. Try cocaine, and you’ll become addicted to it. Become addicted to cocaine, and you will either be dead, or you will wish you were dead, but it will only be one or the other. My big fear was that I wasn’t going to be able to write without it. There was no way I was going to be able to write without it. Last year I celebrated my 11-year anniversary of not using coke. In that 11 years, I’ve written three television series, three movies, a Broadway play, won the Academy Award and taught my daughter all the lyrics to ‘Pirates of Penzance.’ I have good friends.

You’ll meet a lot of people who, to put it simply, don’t know what they’re talking about. In 1970 a CBS executive famously said that there were four things that we would never, ever see on television: a divorced person, a Jewish person, a person living in New York City and a man with a mustache. By 1980, every show on television was about a divorced Jew who lives in New York City and goes on a blind date with Tom Selleck. Develop your own compass, and trust it. Take risks, dare to fail, remember the first person through the wall always gets hurt. Don’t ever forget that a small group of thoughtful people can change the world. It’s the only thing that ever has.

Yup.

MAY 12, 2012: Vice-President Joe Biden declares gay marriage is cool.

May 13, 2012: President Barack Obama declares gay marriage is cool. Later in the press conference he also beats Biden to the punch and declares cool: Torn skinny jeans, the Washington Nationals, vintage indie styled clothing, kale salad, Daniel Tosh, Sperrys, James Harden’s beard, denim jumpsuits, and the color purple. Obama wraps the presser with a Mutombo finger wag directed at Biden.