"Sometimes a franchise just has a big, black mark over it and no amount of wishful thinking can turn the tide..."-Jaap Still

"Brilliant use of an instructional picture book."-Kyle in Newport News

"Does Met$tra have a gambling problem?"-Erik Love

"Hasta la vista baby. I throw up the white flag."-Joe

"I'm still a fan, but enough is enough."-Meet the Mets

"I watch the grass grow - it's more exciting."-David

"Freaking Chipper Jones. I HATE Freaking Chipper Jones."-Dave Murray

"Good God man, what have you done??!! You've released the genie from the bottle. I see the showers and toilets backing up at Shea, emergency landings at LGA, unusual tides in Flushing Bay, and when they break ground for the new stadium the construction gang will unearth and disturb some ancient Indian burial ground for unlucky and cursed members of the Iroquois nation...Blaspheme no more Metstradamus! You are tempting the fates!"-The Metmaster

Do you need an anvil to fall on your head to make you realize that David Wright deserves to hit higher in the order?

If so, it can be arranged.

M. Damus

Dear Mr. Glavine,

You deserved better tonight. The Red Sox will enjoy having you.

M. Damus

Dear Mr. Mazzone,

Your rocking is making me dizzy. Stop it, please.

M. Damus

Dear Julio Franco,

What sport did you play before baseball was invented?

Just wondering.

M. Damus

Dear Mike Stanton,

Those big circles that they were holding up in Milwaukee were the letter "O" for Lyle Overbay, Brewers first baseman. They did not signify doughnuts for your arrival into the game, fatso. Nice balk. You're a great pick-up.

M. Damus

P.S. While in Washington D.C., please try to save some McRib sandwiches for the rest of the city.

Dear Mr. Palmeiro,

You played in the game where the Mets clinched the division in 1986. You played left field and drove in two runs. I was at that game. Do you know what that means?

That means we're old.

Congratulations on hit #3,000.

M. Damus

Dear N.L. East Standings,

.500 sucks.

M. Damus

Dear Bobby Bonilla,

Hit me.

M. Damus

Dear Jeannie Zelasko,

You interrupting Ernie Harwell during the All Star pre-game show was a little like pre-empting "Frasier" in favor of a very special "Manimal".

M. Damus

P.S. Don't think I don't know that your baby is an alien...an alien with hair extensions. The Central Intelligence Agency is on their way.