What's going on this weekend?

In a move that surprised no one, professional loser Bret Michaels failed to perform his pathetic array of dirges at H2O Thursday night.

No matter. We have a fine selection of activities for the depressed and downtrodden among you. Welcome to Weekend Picks.

First, the Friday night outdoor concerts continue at 7-10 p.m. with DNR, also known as Do Not Resuscitate, also known as something to do that’s free downtown. Bring a lawn chair, a flask and your favorite Sonic drink. Cheers.

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You’ve got two options of Saturday. The first is the annual Sci-Fi Convention and Toy Show from 10:30 a.m. to 9 p.m. at the Coca-Cola Space Science Center, 701 Front Ave. Dragon*Con this ain’t, but there’s still good times to be had. Bring $5 to get in and a camera to keep those memories of geeks playing video games forever.

Also on Saturday, remember the good times before the NSDAP took over and check out Oktoberfest in Opelika. It’s 4-9 p.m. downtown, 913 South Railroad Ave. Do not taunt the St. Pauli’s Girl and keep your hands to yourself.

-Alan Riquelmy

We love the funk

You're not the only one who almost caused a collision while car-dancing to "Let It Whip."

Need proof? Check out The Funk Legends Tour 7 p.m. Friday at the Columbus Civic Center. The show features the Dazz Band of "Let It Whip" fame. You'll also see The Bar-Kays, Con Funk Shun, Sugarfoot's Ohio Players and Slave. Tickets are $25 and $39.

If you can't afford the show, skip the main event and just hit up a Funk Legends after-party -- like the one at Daileys, 1039 Broadway. Ophir Drive and the Lazi Swamis perform. The Friday night party is open to guests 21 and older.

But watch out: One too many journeys to the land of funk can earn you some uninvited advances.

That's why you need to take the free women's self-defense seminar Saturday at Premier Martial Arts, 101 Bascom Court in Columbus. It starts at 1 p.m. Women should come prepared to participate in self defense drills.