RIMSHOTS: 01/21/13

A For Real Carolina Creepy Crawlie
…… Meet Phillip Bridges ’86. Phillip ‘86 wrote a letter to The Daily Tar Heel last week. Here is a portion of Phillip’s screed.

…… Maybe we can pay someone who knows how to coach and win like John Calipari and at least get our basketball program back in shape.
I have always thought Calipari was of questionable ethics and would never fit UNC, but since the Dick Baddour era, we are forever tarnished and that no longer matters.

Let’s just put Roy into retirement and onto the golf course, where he always tells us he prefers to be, and get us a real basketball coach who can at least teach our team how to play aggressive defense before it is too late.Phillip Bridges ’86
Greenville, S.C.

Is ’86 Phillip’s age, birth year, college class, or SAT score? Who knows/cares? Lets assume “UNC class” which qualifies this goggle-eyed goober as “a 45 y/o little league right fielder”.

There is nothing noteworthy about “Phillip Bridges ‘86 of Greenville SC” or that he so dogmatically demands Roy’s dismissal. Wanna bet Phillip also despises “all State fans”, “all Duke fans”, Steve Spurrier & Dick Vitale. Also his boss – neighbors – in-laws – local city manager – school superintendent – UPS & FedEx – his cable provider and, if I’m so lucky, Phillip ’86 despises me too. If he didn’t he will now.

This mad magpie is a tired cliché of a pathetic faction of the college sports fan universe – the sad sack no-lifer who invests his thimble of self-worth in the success of a sports team. When his team-o-choice IS successful – he hops on the bandwagon to brag, boast and preen around the water cooler. Alas, when his team-o-choice is less than totally successful; he, with his thimble of self-worth, is exposed as naught but a pathetic sack-o-skin….. a terminal “L”.

PS: At least two other “Phil / Philip Bridges” on Earth have already notified the DTH that they are NOT this flaming nitwit. Both are so embarrassed they are petitioning to change their own names to Adolph Hitler and Jennifer Wiley respectively.

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Manti-gate…. Week Two
…… As I predicted, this is “an azalea” of a story. It will be the most colorful flower in America’s pop culture garden for a week or so. Then it will simply not be any more. As your favorite commentator of cultural absurdity, I do so love these “Huh, Say WHAT?” stories. No one gets hurt really. No real harm is done to the fragile fabric of America. America’s disassembly as a once mighty nation is not noticeably accelerated as a result of Manti’s imaginary romance. It has not been entered into The Congressional Record….. yet.

If Manti Te’o was not at NOTRE DAME (echo, echo, echo….) and had not been hyped over the past several months by the Heisman thingy, this woulda been a one-day sidebar story. “Naïve college kid gets punked…..” snicker, snicker, yawn and pass me the nachos please. But he IS at NOTRE DAME (echo etc) and he has an unusual name with an apostrophe (Nyang’oro !!) and it is so freakin’ bizarre….. and this does NOT involve a Kardashian or the collapse of the Lakers or gun control.

That Manti and his faux cyber romance stole substantial limelight from Lance & Oprah proves the existence of a god of happenstance. That Manti will now “tell all…. or maybe not” in an over-hyped sit down with over-hyped Katie Couric officially elevates this goofypalooza to cover story of Significantly Insignificant Magazine.

Has Gloria Allred announced she is defending Lennay Kekua yet?….. Has Playboy offered Miss Kekua the standard $1,000,000 for a nude pictorial?…… Have we determined the color of lapel ribbon to wear if we Support Manti & Lennay?….. Do we know how Sean Penn, Sheryl Crowe and Harry Belafonte feel about this yet?…… In the pantheon of Pathetic, does “imaginary girl friend” trump “inflatable girl friend”?
The official process by which America digests abject foolishness is well-ordered and cannot be short-circuited.
I give it all another ten days max.

NOTE To Great Unpleasantness Addicts: The banners ARE still in “the rafters” and there were zero signs of impending dismantlement. I checked. George Glamack’s giant jersey still flutters high above the hallowed hardwood….. at least for now.

Eric, the designated Roy Staff Guy, gave us a guided tour of the fairly recently fancied up UNC BB Inner Sanctum HQ. We were assured that UNC’s fancy facilities are every bit as blingy and over-the-top as every other upper-echelon program trying to dazzle impressionable 17 y/os with hop and Jr Hi reading comprehension. On an oppulance scale it’s below the Biltmore in Asheville but well above The Avett Brothers’ tour bus.
Our personable tour guide did not mention Deborah Crowder nor did I feel it apropos to ask her whereabouts.

Yes, I even had a brief conversation with ORW himself. Putting me one up on former Governor Jim Martin in that regard. Ouch. Roy’s familiarity with “famous Internet provocateurs” is very very limited. Both words – Internet and “provocateur” – generated no hint of awareness. Ouch again.

A Roy Practice is orchestrated with the precision of a Swiss watchmaker. We were provided copies of that day’s schedule of what will happen when and dang if Roy doesn’t stick within 30 seconds of it. If he did decide to deviate from the schedule, one got the impression he would not need to ask anyone else’s permission to do so….. not even Phillip Bridges ’86.

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Garden & Gun’s BEST ISSUE EVER
…… We love Garden & Gun magazine. It’s like Southern Living and Our State except lots better. The latest issue (Feb/March) is BEST EVER. Every article and even the little sidebar blurbs are interesting. Don’t let the title concern you…. G&G is not “aimed” at “right-wing gun-nuts” at all….. “aimed” being a bit of an intended pun. “Left-wing tree-huggers” will enjoy it too assuming “left-wingers” enjoy anything.

G&G is aimed at any aficionado of Southern culture and lifestyle. Yes, it is somewhat “high brow” with more stories on fox-hunting at Aiken than NASCARing at Talladega but any BobLee Buddy or Babe should appreciate it. Check it out.

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Roman Numeral Bowl Hype Begins
…… Given a choice of which story line will be beaten to death over the next two weeks, I opt for The Brothers Harbaughs over Ray Lewis’ Sidewalk Sermons That God Is A Ravens’ Fan.

I grant Ray Lewis his first ballot induction into Canton et al but I find him like a habanera pepper. A little bit of Ray Lewis is fine but any more than a little bit is waaaay too much.

I don’t really care what Bill Belichek has to say in victory or defeat but him refusing to say it is boorish. 30 seconds of banal clichés is all CBS asked Bill. Man up a**h***.

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Stan Musial died
…… I’ll ruminate on the passing of Stan Musial in a future column. More than just “The Man” has departed the American sports scene.

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Happy MLKB Day Ya’ll
….. Happy Martin Luther King Boulevard Day everyone. I can never remember, is this the day he was born…. died…. or “had a dream”? Government employees don’t have to work today. Whats their excuse the other 364 days/year?