Over the weekend we got a letter from GE kindly informing us that our dishwasher could potentially and possibly and also very bloody damn well likely set our house on fire. And then they offered us $300 towards a new one, presumably without the HOUSE GO KABLOOMIE feature.

Unlike when Fisher Price informed us that we were the proud owners of several toxic tub toys (assholes, by the way. and Mattel too. can't we parents buy cheap plastic crap in the likeness of brain-rotting TV characters with confidence?), we were actually happy to hear about this recall, since we thought the dishwasher was a piece of shit to begin with and planned to replace it anyway.

So we bought a shiny new dishwasher this weekend, and I am currently twiddling my thumbs and waiting for it to be delivered and installed today.

(Aren't you impressed at how good my typing still is?)

Yes, this is truly my only news to report. Yes, this is truly what my life has become.

If you read this post (go on, I'll wait, I'm thisclose to getting a traffic bonus for the month over there and I also need some damn drapes), you'll know that I was hoping to have a different sort of news for you.

I was so sure I was pregnant. It felt right. It felt...gassy. The timing of the OPK pointed towards a 34-day cycle, which was precisely what I'd had the month before, and two back-to-back same-numbered cycles were all it took for us to conceive Noah, and day 34 came and went and I got carsick on the way to dinner and my boobs hurt and I silently thanked God in all His heavenly wisdom for giving me this amazing gift right when I needed it the most and laughed at all the JUST RELAX people I could scientifically and personally tell to go to frigging hell.

I went through at least nine or 10 pregnancy tests. I kept waiting for them to tell me what I already knew. I kept waiting for the faintest trace of a second line. I ran out of tests around day 39, baffled and confused by the definitively negative results and the definitive lack of a period.

(Day 43, it showed up. FORTY THREE, WHICH MAKES NO SENSE ON ANY LEVEL.)

So I am not pregnant, and I don't think I actually ovulated after all, and I also think I am completely crazy and delusional and can apparently will fake pregnancy symptoms into existence through the power of my crazy delusional mind. So. Bonus!

Anyway. That was this month. It sucked. Good riddance, month!

Hello, next month.

Me = nuts, and still not understanding that I'd be better off just tossing dollars into the toilet and peeing on them directly, and also does anybody have one of those fancy expensive fertility monitor types that you aren't using?

(I will now go back to trying to get Noah to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on video, because he substitutes MAMA for all the words, and after you hear it you can't possibly blame me for wanting 10 more just like him.)

Comments

Maybe this is wrong of me on many levels, because this was a sensitive post about important family topics and I do offer you my sincere support but could you tell me more about your dishwasher? I am so into appliance porn.

Hi Amy,
I love your blog. I've never written a comment before, but had to pass this on to you. My daughter had a speech delay that sounds smilar to Noah's. Has anyone suggested an ENT consult? The ear-nose-throat guy looked at my 22 month old daughter and said, "geez, those are the biggest tonsils I've ever seen on a kid!" They took her tonsils out, problem solved. Good luck!
Cory

Here's hoping for a new little babalah. And... Noah is scrumptious. Definitely (and I'm not just kissing ass) the most beautiful toddler I've seen in a long while. You certainly have a lovely little family exactly as it is now.

I don't have one of those things, but I can point you to this site. I used it for many months. http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/ (I don't know how to put a fancy link in the comment.) Using these ovulations tests is sort of like peeing on money too, except you pee in a cup first, which is more trouble, so therefore less cost. Anyway, good luck with that. I am also part of the "body can act pregnant without really being pregnant" crowd and know how much that sucks. Here's to better luck next month.

Could you have miscarried? I remember reading back when I was trying 2 years ago that many women miscarry and have no idea. It sure sounds like you were pregnant, and that is a very long cycle (although my cycles are that long usually). I'll be crossing my fingers for you for next month!

Because of all the pregancy test I have gone through awaiting a second pink line, a friend told me you can get them at Dollar General (for a dollar!). I have never checked it out, but why not? It would have saved me lots. Good luck.

You're breaking my heart here! Good luck, good luck, one thousand times good luck. Noah is, obviously, perfect and you should have dozens. (I went to your link at clubmom, by the way. Good luck with the drapes, too.) We went through something very similar when awaiting he-who-would-become-Jack and it sucked big rocks. Then we had Jack, who did not suck rocks at all.

You can have my Fertility Monitor -- I was just thinking this weekend about the fact that the damn thing is still under my sink and I need to get rid of it. I only used it twice, resulting in two perfectly lovely babies (alas, they are now 6 and 3.5 and babies no more).

It is seriously yours to keep. Email me if you want it and I will ship out to you. And promise not to sell the shipping address to teh interweb crazies.

Ahhhh, the digital Clearblue Easy. Take it from me and two of my friends....it WORKS! Me...failed infertility intervention everything...Clomid, IUI and IVF...used the digital and voila! Helloooo pregnancy. Friend #1 tried for a year...got a monitor and I swear...first month....a BFP. Friend #2 who has major PCOS found out with the monitor that she ovulates every other month and month 3 was the lucky one for her. The kicker to all this is that we are all...ahem......mature.... in our early 40's with wonderful little babes. Good luck, Amy~~we are all rooting for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dude I am telling you, chasteberry herb. It's a tincture. You can get it at Whole Foods. I was mired in the midst of a 56-day cycle and going batshit crazy. I took the 35 drops a day mixed into a glass of water (nasty, nasty shit) every day and seven days later -- poof -- I ovulated. And I got pregnant that cycle. So seriously, you should try it.

I am so right there with you. This month I actually had no PMS-like symptoms and incredibly sore breasts, and then my period showed up a day early right when I was thinking, hey, maybe I should test because I'm sure I'm pregnant.

At least I didn't have to waste the money this month. Oh, well. Onto the next round of trying for one of those baby things. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you AND me.

I hear you on the cheap plastic crap. My kids are pretty much too old for any of it now, but we were the glad recipients of a recall. In my attempt to promote good oral hygiene I bought Listerine's Agent Cool Blue not knowing that, while my kids did a more thorough job of brushing, they were apparently in danger of contracting giardia. Congrats on the new dishwasher.

And sorry about the negative tests. Before my son was born I went through a period of unable to have children so I know how hard it can be.

She said Dada for everything she approved of. The swings, rides in the car. (her disapproval word was DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! i know she was saying DUDE. I know it) She said DA! DA! so much we were starting to wonder if she was Russian.

Ya know, I just got to thinkin' (I do that on rare occasions). I think that if you did have another baby, there is a damn good chance that s/he would be AT LEAST as cute as Noah. And then you, because you are you, would post pictures of said 2nd child. And also quite possibly the two children together. And then the internet would blow up from too much delicious adorableness. And since you just put in them fancee wood floors and them high falutin' fancee winders, I don't think you could afford to replace the internet. (Unless, it is followed by a special recall notice, in which case, it would be replaced at no charge to you.) I shouldn't drink wine when the kids are napping, no?

I can totally vouch for the Dollar Tree tests (or any dollar store test for that matter). As someone who can been trying to conceive number 1 for over 2 years, I would so be in the poorhouse if it wasn't for them!

Oh, and girls getting rid of their monitors, whichever ones Amy doesn't take, you can still get a pretty penny for them on Ebay!

This may border on assvice, but when my husband and I were trying for a child, I used those ovulation predictor kits for a few months and HATED them. They SUCK. Never mind how expensive they are.

I found the Maybe Mom Mini Ovulation Microscope Fertility Monitor on ebay. It sounds weird, but it's this little hand-held microscope thingy that you spit into, then let the spit dry, and if you see little fern-like thingies in the microscope after your spit dries, then POOF! You're ovulating! You can see how close you are to ovulation - it depends on how "well-defined" the little fern things appear to be.

It works, too. For real. We totally conceived the first month I tried that thing. Or maybe it was a fluke. I don't know. Anyway, I prefer spitting in a microscope to peeing on a stick any damn day. Just thought I'd let you know about it. I'd never heard of it and just happened to run across one on ebay.

Amy, I feel your pain. I'm trying to get pregnant with my second right now too. My first will be 5 in Dec., and she is more than ready for a baby brother or sister. I haven't tried those ovulation kits yet, but if I don't get anywhere in the next few months, I'm going to try them out too.

bring on the video!
p.s. the whole internet mourns with you...we want another adorable noah-type baby, too!
and this is the part where i should say something encouraging, but i won't, because i know it gets annoying after about 50 comments.

They offered our landlady $125 on the new dishwasher...regretably (not) the thing had already smoked up and fizzed out while washing one night. The ensuing race to turn off the breaker because the machine itself was possessed and wouldn't turn off resulted in frying the crap outta my computer. Yay, GE, thank you for flaming appliances!

Not being pregnant sucks, particularly when it feels like everyone else is. In a way, I think it is even harder on people who have been successful, because I'm sure you want to shout at your body "hey, you did it once! Just do that again." or something each month.

I've been eyeing the digital clear blue easy and trying to decide if it is worth the extra cost. In fact, I'm going to Target after work to buy more OPKs. good luck to both of us!

Go find an acupuncture person who has success in fertility -- no yucky drugs and very effective. And I would LOVE to see the Twinkle video. I've been dying to do my own for the last few months. Pretty soon it won't be as cute!

I'm sorry your body is screwing with your head. I mean, if you're not pregnant, then at least can we not have pregnancy symptoms?? Crossing every body part for you that you get that double line you've been hoping for, sometime soon!

I'm an avid (male) reader who is trying to conceive my first child right now too ... so I devour your posts with a 'here's what to possibly expect with babies' hunger.

But the homeowner in me is even more impressed with how you fund all these projects. We put hardwood floors in this year and that wiped out our bonus check. Yet you have all new windows and a dishwasher plus some pennies left over for a Blues Clues inflatable chair? I so need to get a blog.

The pregnancy tests at the dollar store work exactly the same way and are just as accurate. And hey, they're only a dollar apiece!
Coming from one who KNOWS the fun of taking test after test, hoping that they're all just lying.

I had one the fancy fertility monitors. With my first I got pregnant right away. I credited it to the monitor. With the second, it took much longer still using the monitor. Not sure if I should have followed your advice and just peed on the money!

I experienced the exact same thing last month. The really pathetic part is that I continued to require convincing I wasn't pregnant even AFTER my period arrived AND I got my negative beta blood tests back. Because, you know, random weird symptoms were still there. Damn body.

If you want cheap test do a Google search for cheap pregnancy tests. I bought ovulation tests and pregnancy tests (I am one of those people who pee on the stick every 5 minutes). I used the fancy digital ovulation test after the cheap tests told me I was ovulating...

That's my sons favorite song. He can sing it somewhat, but this weekend on our way back from the fair I tried to get him to sing it and he hummed it and sang and did his thing and it was so cute. Now if the other two kids would just stop interrupting!

I wasn't going to suggest this, because I didn't know if it would be better or worse, but since someone else brought it up, I will second her opinion.

What you're describing sounds very much like a possible chemical pregnancy to me.

I had one last cycle and only knew because I had a beta at dpo 15 that was in the very, very, very low positive range - followed by a negative one at dpo 18.

(HPTs at dpo 14, 15 and 18 were all negative.)

I totally understand that, on the one hand, that's worse than having not conceived because of the loss, but on the other hand, for someone with your history (from what I've read) it could certainly be seen as "progress."

Personally, although I'm sad about it, I'm taking mine as a good sign for future attempts.

I ovulated, we managed to bring egg and sperm together (not an easy feat in our case - 2 chicks doing IUI with frozen donor sperm) and it even implanted for a while.

Now, we just hope we can do it again this cycle, but with higher quality gametes.

(We're assuming one or t'other was a dud last time around. Quite possibly my 39 year old egg.)

It's nice to read all this helpful advice for you. The internets loves you...and Noah. I had 52 days between my last periods but that's because I am OLD. Old enough to enjoy living vicariously through you. Keep trying. I have no doubt you'll be glad you did. And we will all reap the benefits. Hey! Try that 'chasteberry' stuff mentioned above. Sounds like the St. Joseph statue of the baby making world. Good luck!

Oh, and seriously? What kind of dishwasher are ya thinking? We are about to bag our POS Kitchen Aid which was not recalled but should have been. My lazy self especially adores when you do the legwork for us all.

I SO feel you on the pregnancy test thing! I can't tell you how many of those stupid things I have been through, hoping that THIS will be the magic month! But, like you said, it was like pissing on dollar bills, knowing that I am hoping against all hope. Thank you effin PCOS!!

Seeing as how I already commented on the BONUS TRAFFIC website (wooot!) you know already that I'm sending up all "Holy Lord, Comeon Already with the ovulating and the second baby for them!" And, oh, by the way, me and god are tight. *sigh* I'll still be here for you for whatever. God or No God. At least there is clear blue easy and Mrs. Flinger, damnit!

You took the wise choice in the dishwasher shindig. We choose to have ours repaired (being it's not that old and all). They ripped all the damn insulation out of it and the kit that was sent to "repair" things came with this thin, piece of shit insulation. The dishwasher has never been the same since - it's so LOUD now. GAH!!!

My SIL is borrowing my monitor right now. You could try ebay for one if no loaners come about.

i am right there with you, amalah. peeing in a cup and dipping a stick, hoping for a +opk, hoping that the clomid will work its magic this month, and that all the hardship and grief of the past months will redeem itself in a new life created.

I am SO sorry. I know the total suckage of trying to conceive when you aren't ovulating. I am on cycle day 60 now. SIXTY. I obviously am not ovulating. What the bloody hell? Or, should I say non-bloody hell?

I feel for you. I was in your same place last year - looking at all my friends with their 2nd babies like a green eyed monster and then feeling like the worst mom, b/c dang afterall I did have the best toddler ever! Thankfully I did have some other firends who were in my boat and now, FINALLY after much wishing and hoping and praying, we are all preggers.

I tried those OPK like crazy, I was actually ovulating late so I would go through like at least 2 boxes before I got a positive. $ was just going down the drain for a year, bleh. Than I got some asvise from a friend that worked, and since it worked for me, I fell I must pass it on, for all the other mommies who want another baby so their little angels will have a sibling... Get the "Taking Charge of your Fertility" book by Toni Weschler. By reading the book and taking my temp every AM, before I got out of bed, I was able to prove I had late ovulations and needed some progesterone supplements and WOW was I pregnant that very next cycle, or what!?!? Just read, chart, and argue with your dr, b/c afterall by now you should know a fair amount about your body. Wishing you the best of luck.

I won't recommend temperature taking in the morning as a guaranteed way to tell when you're ovulating because I'm a big enough geek that I remember that you're msotly anovulatory and have very long cycles. My heart goes out to you for that because IT'S NOT FAIR DAMMIT. Take care.

There's no way you will read this b/c I'm way down on the list for comments, but if you do I hope it helps. I had really long (weird) cycles before I got PG. I went 43 days as well (thought I was PG, but to no avail) then the next month I waited to take a test until day 50. lo & behold I was PG. They say longer cycles means it's easier to get PG. I hope it works for you.

Hi, A. Bad news. One cannot buy cheap plastic crap with confidence. It is cheap because it comes from China and China is cheap because they have no rules. They'll give you lead with one hand and tell you it is pure gold while shaking your other hand. But, companies have to buy their cheap plastic crap so long as America wants it cheap or cheaper! (Melamine in dog food anyone?) I am so sad but I keep buying all the cheap plastic crap my kid demands. Well, not ALL, but you know what I mean. -S

I HAVE to see that video of Noah. Sounds adorable! Congrats on the free new dishwasher. Sorry this month was a no-go. Next month it is, then. And, you're not crazy and delusional, everyone thinks they're pregnant EVERY month they try, whether they are or not.

Long time reader, coming out of lurk mode to recommend the awesome ovulation predictor I used, both times sucessfully on the first try. (I know, I know... sorry!) I've recommended it to at least four other friends... three of which got pregnant on their first time using it... the fourth found out that she had fertility issues. Anyhow... long story short, OvuQuick is a great test. It's a bit pricey (around $40-$50 for a 9-day test) but it really works. Here is a link to it on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Ovuquick-One-Step-Ovulation-Predictor-Day/dp/B000GGNR4O

I know you've got ovulation issues, but if you ARE going to ovulate, this thing will definitely tell you when it happens. Then you and Jason just need to go at it like jackrabbits. :0)