I Don’t Know

And so the dark thoughts creep into my consciousness. The rope, the suffering, the nothing. Alcohol diffused the overwhelming urge to self harm, but I only stopped when the bottle was empty.

Still awake with dawn steadily marching towards the now, marking the time where I have to be up and a fully functional member of society, contributing to it in my small way. The thought of which makes me… well up.

I’m so fucking stupid. How long I can keep this façade up, I don’t know. I just…. why can’t the universe remove me from it.

I’ve tried, in a way, to do the positivity thing… but whilst I can shine that light on others, I can’t do it for me, I can’t be in that light. I can’t be positive about me, only others.

What I’m still writing for I don’t know…. I……… don’t know what…….. it……….. it…………… swirls and stops making any semblance of coherence.

I’ll try to hide in the refuge of sleep now, make my subconscious deal with it because I can’t right now (if I ever could, I may have been bluffing)