My Special Education

I was a dedicated special ed teacher, but I was relieved they weren't my children. But God has a good sense of humor…

I fell into teaching by accident. After graduating from college with a degree in Film, I spent six months in Hollywood and realized I liked my soul too much to sell it out to celluloid. So I packed up and headed back to the East Coast to figure out Plan B. As I was only qualified to make movies and wait tables, I would have to go back to school if I didn’t want to starve. My mother was a teacher and had a couple of ins for me at the local university. So there I went, where I majored in special education.

This career path, though guided less by passion and more by paycheck, turned out to be a life-changing one. It opened me up to a world I never expected. There I found people of superhuman compassion and character and ideas that challenged the way I viewed the world. I worked with children who both inspired and infuriated me, families who amazed and perplexed me.

One family in particular made a significant impact on me. In Israel, I formed a close relationship with one of my teachers, Rebbetzin Tavin. She had a megawatt smile and personality to match. She was warm, accessible and real. One Shabbos, I went to her home for dinner and I was amazed by what I found there.

Despite the fact that Rebbetzin Tavin had a large number of children in a relatively small apartment, there was a palpable sense of peace in her home. All of her children were gracious, happy and polite. They readily helped their mother serve and warmly spoke with all the guests. But the most amazing thing about these children was the love and care they gave to their special needs brother, Binyomin Dovid.

In the light of their love, Binyomin Dovid was given the freedom to shine.

At five years old, Binyomin Dovid was a light-haired angel with a smile as bright as his mother’s and an exuberance that was contagious. Binyomin Dovid also had Down syndrome. Having worked with many families of children with special needs, I was accustomed to seeing resentment and sometimes even verbal or physical abuse between siblings, usually due to jealousy, shame or embarrassment. But there was not a trace of it in Rebbetzin Tavin’s home. Older siblings carried him, younger siblings played with him. It was clear that everyone in that family adored Binyomin Dovid and were proud to have him as a part of their family.

They saw all the beautiful things he was, instead of despairing over the things he wasn’t. They recognized they opportunity they were given to raise such a special soul, and encouraged every member of their family to do the same. In the light of their love, Binyomin Dovid was given the freedom to shine.

I returned to America and continued on in my career. I cared very much about the children I worked with, but at the end of the day, I sent them home to their parents and went about my business. Because they weren’t my children, it never became truly personal. Deep down, I was relieved that raising a special needs child was not my full-time job, though I would never have admitted that to anyone.

Everything changed some years later, when my son’s teacher sat me down to express some concerns she had. She’d noticed some “red flags” she thought we should have checked out, which we did. We learned that while very intelligent, my son also had some significant issues that would require therapy if he was to be successful in school, and in life.

The prospect of something being “wrong” with my child went through me like a shockwave.

The prospect of something being “wrong” with my child went through me like a shockwave. How could my child have a problem? Even more, how could I not have known? Everything I’d learned about in school, all the diagnostic jargon, came to life before my eyes: OT, sensory integration, motor planning, socialization, processing. I had seen it all in countless children, but for the first time, it was real to me, because the kid they were talking about was mine.

I felt like I’d failed. If I’d only done this, if I hadn’t let him eat that, if we exposed him to this, if we gave him more of that. The what-ifs ran like a news ticker in the back of my head, tormenting me with the thought that my son’s disability was all my fault.

Around this time, someone very close to me told me about her daughter who was struggling terribly with an eating disorder. After years of sending her to treatment centers and therapies, nothing seemed to be working. The bingeing and purging continued, her connection to Judaism and spirituality had evaporated and it seemed this girl was bent on self-destructing. Her hope depleted, this mother asked me, “What did I do? What didn’t I do? Why do I have to go through this?”

My answer, I promise you, was not my own. It was as if I was a puppet and a Ventriloquist was speaking for me. And this is what He said: “Imagine if she’d had a different mother; someone else might have thrown her out on the street. She could have been dead by now, God forbid. With you as her mother, she always has a safe place to come home to, and maybe one day, recover. Maybe it’s God’s kindness that she got you as her mother. Maybe this has nothing to do with you at all, and everything to do with her.”

This mother was calmed, cheered and contented by what I’d said. She thanked me profusely and told me that my words had given her true peace.

A few weeks later, I called her to talk about my son’s diagnosis and therapy action plan. She offered pointers on how to best work the system and then listened intently as I told her how I felt: that maybe, somehow, this was because I wasn’t a good enough mother.

I heard her smile from the other side of the phone. “Maybe this has nothing to do with you at all, and everything to do with him.”

Those words somehow worked like magic. The fear and guilt disappeared. I suppose that message was a gift to both of us.

God's Department & Mine

I remembered a midrash I had heard once about souls that are waiting up in heaven to be born. They look down into the world and choose the two people they want to be their parents. They know that those parents will be able to provide them with exactly what they need here on earth. This means that, though imperfect people, we are perfectly matched with our children to help them grow into whom they’re meant to be.

Our job is to embrace their unique mission with a full heart and to teach them to do the same.

As I thought of this story, I realized that every child has special needs. They all need to be loved in their own way, taught in their own way, and make sense of the world around them in their own way. We, their parents, are there as their guides and helpers, to provide them with support, love and unconditional acceptance, to see them as they are, to embrace their unique mission with a full heart and to teach them to do the same. Our job is incredibly simple, and also the most challenging one in the world.

As the parent of a “special needs child,” I’ve had to chuck my expectations of my child and of myself. My son is a gift from God that I have the great responsibility of watching over during his sojourn on Earth. Who he is supposed to become is

God’s department, not mine. All I can do is love him as best I can. Of course I make mistakes. But instead of beating myself up about it, I remember that this kid picked me; maybe my “mistakes” are just what he needs to help him – and me – to grow.

Related Articles:

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Rea Bochner is a writer and musician who lives in NJ. She holds a BA in Film at Emerson College and a Master's in Special Education from Montclair State University. Rea has worn many hats in her life, including: a tour guide at the Disney MGM Studios, a story developer at Universal Studios and later, and as a teacher of students with special needs. These days, Rea is wearing her "Mom" hat, happily raising her kids while writing for various publications. She is the founder of the Jewish lifestyle blog, www.reezie.com

Visitor Comments: 27

(18)
Anonymous,
March 9, 2012 2:17 AM

Medrash that you cited

Hi,
Beautiful article
I was wondering where the medrash that says that a soul picks his/her parents before s/he is born is from.
If either the author or anyone else knows, please feel free to post it here.
Thanks

(17)
Laya,
November 16, 2011 4:08 PM

So comforting

Thanks for this great article. It was comforting for me to read and I imagine for many other parents as well. <3

(16)
Anonymous,
November 16, 2011 2:37 PM

thank you for the amazing article

An amazing article, which speaks to a major issue that my familly is dealing with currently.
Thanks very much for your insights, mc

(15)
yitz,
November 15, 2011 5:00 PM

Thank You

Thank you for your wonderful article. Can you provide the Midrash source you quoted concerning soules of children choosing their parents?
Thanks
Yitz

(14)
Anonymous,
November 15, 2011 3:59 PM

marrying off special needs adults

I would love to see an article sometime about advice on how to marry off special needs adults. I have a high-functioning 26-year old son with Asperger who would love to get married, but here in Israel, there are no Shaddchanim that deal with this issue.

Anonymous,
November 16, 2011 6:03 PM

Shidduch prospects for people with medical issues

Perhaps this will help - Sos Tasis 877-55-SOSTA, 212-894-8220
Shidduchim (matchmaking) for singles with medical issues up to age 30.
A free service of Chai Lifeline—it is not necessary to be a Chai Lifeline client to access this service.

Anonymous,
November 16, 2011 6:27 PM

speak with Rav Rafi Feuerstein

There definitely ARE people working on this issue.

Deena,
November 17, 2011 12:42 PM

Shadchanim

You are right that there is less available in Israel, but there are a few organizations that do deal with this - you can ask Taatzumot 02-5370906 for referrals.
If he is an English speaker, you can also try shadchanim outside of Israel - see here - http://www.beineinu.org/special-needs/special-needs-shiduchim/641-shadchanim/888-shadchanim-matchmakers
Hatzlacha,
Deena
Beineinu - Connecting Jewish Parents of Children With Special Needs
www.beineinu.org

(13)
Anonymous,
November 15, 2011 3:50 PM

perspective

your article touched my heart. My daughter is now going to be 21. She has perseverance than I could ever hope to have and loves learning. Her learning differences sometimes make it hard for her to understand course content. I hope I have been the right parent for her. She has taught me courage, patience and unconditional love. She has made me a much better person and Jew. Thanks again for your article.

(12)
Willy,
November 15, 2011 5:53 AM

autism

our son Jeff is 30 this month. he is autistic. we, this past weekend, trimmed his toenails. it took me and two of my children to do it. Jeff weighs 180 lbs. I weigh 225. my two sons that helped weighs 250 and 325. when it was over we joked about it, laughed a little, and told Jeff we sorry to have to have done this. He knows we love him and understand his behavior while we do this. for us Jeff is cool and we do what we have to because we do love him. a few years ago my little sister made an comment on how she would have handled one of his situation we had with him to which I told her that is why we have him and not her. your child will bring you trials but even more so lots of special memories that you will treasure. experiences like this is just one of the special memories that we cherish.

(11)
Anonymous,
November 14, 2011 1:08 AM

Every child is a gift. Some happen to have special needs

This is a very nice article. You will grow even more & accept your beautiful gift from God If you also accept that he is child.First & foremost. He is a child who has special needs . He is not a special need.

(10)
Mary Ruth,
November 13, 2011 9:29 PM

Guilt

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I love what you said about not beating ourselves up about it. I have constantly wondered exactly where I have done wrong, for my child not to be able to learn the way other people's children do . I have thought that everyone else's children succeed, why not mine? It must be something I am doing wrong. We can only do so much for them to help them. Loving them and letting go of guilt is my goal. I am learning life lessons because of the children G-d has sent for me to love and care for.

anon,
November 15, 2011 3:23 PM

thats wrong...

i think thats a very wrong comment for you to say. A dear friend of mine has a son diagnosed as high-functioning autism. He did not talk until he was 6 years old. At the beginning of his diagnosis, the doctors/therapists said he wouldnt be able to lead a good life and be very disabled for all of his life. His mom, refused to listen to that. He is now 14 years old and although requires supervision 24/7, has very poor auditory processing, emotional, physical, and sensory issues; due to his mother's increadable love, dedication, and never giving up on her son...her son is an increadable young man who now thanks to tons of support and classes even has some friends now =)
you look at your son the way you do he wont achieve his best.

Alan S.,
November 16, 2011 9:48 PM

Me thinks you doth protest too much.

I've read Mary Ruth's eloquent comment twice, and cannot see what you object to. What comment is "very wrong"? The woman is doing everything she can to "love" her child, but acknowledges that she can "only do so much for"...the child. Truthfully, her honesty is refreshing. I don't see anywhere in her comment where she herself says that she "gave up on her child", or "looks at" her child in a way that prevents the child from achieving their best, as you say.

to Alan,
November 17, 2011 2:40 PM

What i mean is that ... when you say, "oh well, my son cant get any better" than he wont! my friend refused to accpet what the doctors said. although he still his issues, he gets better all the time and iyh in the future willl go to college, get married, have a great job and lead a wonderful life. albeit maybe a little slower but he WILL. why? because his mom NEVER gave up on him

(9)
Mordi,
November 13, 2011 6:58 PM

special needs

I loves your line that all of us have special needs.
I cannot go as far as being ' picked ' for having a ' mentally ill ' child.

Anonymous,
November 13, 2011 8:54 PM

Beloved child, no matter what

Why not? It is the same God who gave her, her gift, as we got our 'gift' of our beloved child having a mental illness.

ladydi,
November 14, 2011 12:38 PM

Mordi - I agree with you 110%

(8)
Melanie Vliet,
November 13, 2011 4:07 PM

Loved Your Insights, But . . .

I totally relate to your feelings while teaching other people's special needs children, as I substituted in special classes many times. I was always saddened by the difficulties of the students and their parents and other caregivers and supremely thankful that my own son was not similarly burdened.
The answer that G-d gave you for your friend was wonderful, but I get the impression that you take seriously the story about children choosing their own parents. This, of course, is absurd. Just as G-d controls everything else, He controls the distribution of infants. It is wrong to romanticize His sovereignty away from Him.

(7)
Tonna Chavez,
November 13, 2011 3:18 PM

a kindred spirit...

I've worked with special needs children for many years now, this has been the best "job" I have ever had. It has helped me by giving me insight in raising my own children...and in dealing with others and just life in general. Thank you for your article today is my birthday and you have made me smile! :)

(6)
anonymous,
November 13, 2011 2:31 PM

Amazing!

Thank you for this timely piece. I just had the rabbi of my children's school tell me that my child's behavior is his own behavior, too. My husband and i are doing our part. Teaching by example, getting help for him and the like, yet it is his issue, too.
I realize that they way I grew up is definately the precursor to some of the help that I can provide for this particular child.
Another child that we have looks as though her emotional sensitivities and kindness etc. mirror mine as a child. How amazing Hashem truly works.
Another child of ours is so much like my husband it is rtuly amazing that I gave birth to her( I jokingly tell my husband).

(5)
Anonymous,
November 13, 2011 2:18 PM

you do not have a special needs child

You have a child with special needs - put the child first and you will never go wrong!

Anonymous,
November 13, 2011 10:11 PM

Thank you.

I have a younger brother who has Down syndrome and I am a special ed teacher...when people say "special needs kid" or "Autistic kid" or "he's downs" it drives me NUTS!!! He is NOT a downs kid! He is my baby brother who is adorable and fun and smart and he happens to have an extra chromosome!

(4)
Anonymous,
November 13, 2011 2:11 PM

Advise for the mother

Maybe the son of the autor has asperger. She should make an appointment with a doctor, in order to reach a helpful diagnosis for her son.

(3)
ruth housman,
November 13, 2011 1:41 PM

Special in Special Needs

There is beauty in his article and deep truths. Anyone who spends time with children knows they all have gifts, all are unique, and within what we call a brokenness, there is something wholly amazing in the gifts they carry. We want our children to be at least like most children, able to play, be full limbed, healthy, and able to swim with the others, in the schools we provide. But often, the fish that is out of the stream, who is extreme in some way, ex stream, in terms of abilities or ways of being, teaches us all, deep lessons in love, and what is broken becomes whole in our eyes, through the eyes of LOVE. I do deeply believe the greater, the cosmic story, the story we're all in together, is deeply, a story about LOVE itself.

(2)
Irene Palmer,
November 13, 2011 1:27 PM

Thanks

I have four special ed children. This article helped a lot.
My son is 43 and has no idea how to use a check book so we all take him out and he keeps my other children company.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...