Today's the day! The sun is shining! And Riverdale is finally, finally back! Tonight's episode was a doozy, to say the least. We learned more about Fred Andrews' shooting, plus Bughead and Varchie turned up the heat. So let's just dive into the details, because I know that's what you care about. Warning: Spoilers ahead.

We open the episode with a pretentious voiceover from Jughead. I forgot how much I disliked his beanie until this exact moment. Anyway, Archie—who is better than Jughead, don't @ me—doesn’t have a license but is driving his father, Fred, to the hospital because, remember, Fred was shot. Whether or not he lives or dies is still a mystery, but a psycho dream about Fred missing Archie’s graduation makes me think it’s bad news.

Pan to Betty, who’s awkwardly telling her mother (Alice) about her almost-sex with Jughead, whom Alice loathes. Alice makes some shady remarks about the Southside Serpents, which I love because I'm not Team Jughead. Meanwhile, Veronica is drinking the champagne her mother got for her father because she’s a queen. Their fun is interrupted, though, when Archie calls them—and Jughead—about Fred’s shooting. There’s a shot of Jughead dramatically hopping onto a motorcycle and rushing to the hospital, which is just ludicrous. Who is he? The Dark Knight?

At the hospital, Archie tells his friends about the shooting; he feels guilty, but Jughead makes him feel better by calling him “Pure Heart the Hero,” which is cringe-worthy. My new favorite character, Alice, gives Jughead the stink eye at the hospital and insinuates the South Side Serpents had something to do with Fred’s shooting. Archie calls his mom—Molly Effing Ringwald—to tell her the news.

The salt-and-pepper snack sheriff (Kevin’s dad) pulls Archie aside to get more information about the shooter. Jughead tags along because he’s nosy and lives for the drama. When the sheriff insinuates a South Side Serpent did the deed, Jughead flips out. The sheriff asks Archie what the assailant did after shooting his father; Archie hesitates, like he knows something, but doesn’t say anything. Jughead catches onto this fuckery and suggests the shooter’s motive wasn’t just robbery. Jughead asks Archie why he hesitated to tell the sheriff the full story, and he says it's because he thinks one of the South Side Serpents who worked for Fred could’ve done something. Jughead agrees to check this out, because of course he does.

In another weird almost-death dream, Fred has visions of his dead relatives literally knocking on his trailer to take him to the afterlife. These are eerie, and I want them to stop.

Veronica’s shook because she doesn’t know how to deal with Archie being sad. She can only handle him when he’s, like, hot and shirtless. They leave the hospital together to get Archie some non-blood-splattered clothes, and Veronica’s uneasy about how to handle the situation.

The first thing Archie wants to do when he gets home is walk his dog. He doesn’t want to change his bloody clothes. He just wants to walk his damn dog. Veronica’s creeped out, but goes along with this anyway.

Meanwhile, Jughead confronts the South Side Serpents about what Archie told him at the hospital. They agree to look into it, but who the hell cares about this because minutes later Veronica gets naked and hops in the shower with Archie. (!!!) Keep in mind that Archie is washing his father’s blood off his skin. And Veronica's turned on! This isn’t hot! This is deranged! WTF kind of vampire shit are Archie and Veronica into?!

Betty tells Kevin that Jughead told her he loves her—and that she said it back. Kevin, the genius he is, tells Betty she needs to stay far away from Jughead because he’s a South Side Serpent. I mean, I get that's the logical reason to stay away, but I think Betty should ditch Jughead just because he’s insufferable and wears beanies.

Then, Chery Blossom shows up in the hospital looking bomb AF and spews some lies about how a candle started the fire at Thornhill. (Remember, she torched her house in a rage last season!) Her mother is burned really badly and is rushed into a hospital room; Cheryl hovers in the hallway and smiles, looking iconic, as per usual.

Meanwhile, post-sex, Archie flips out on Veronica for losing Fred’s wallet—which she didn’t even do. Archie’s just being a jerk. Archie tells her to leave, but because Veronica’s a saint she refuses and instead comforts him as he cries into her arms. It’s tender. OK, Archie’s back in my good graces.

The salt-and-pepper snack sheriff makes Archie pick from a line-up of masked robbers, which seems like a pointless exercise. These men…are wearing masks, and Archie saw the shooter for a split second. How could he possibly identify someone? This is dumb, but they’re doing lots of close-up shots of Archie’s beautiful eyes, so I’m fine.

Jughead goes on a convoluted rant about how it’s “entirely conceivable” Fred’s shooting was intentional. Veronica asks Jughead and Betty to go to Pop's Chock'lit Shoppe to look for Fred’s wallet. They go. I'm bored.

Veronica insinuates that her mother could’ve shot Fred because she has a motive: She knew Hiram Lodge and Fred wouldn’t get along, and because Fred wouldn't sell his half of his construction company to them, it’d be easier if he was gone.

But good news: Fred Andrews is stable! Archie goes to his hospital room and starts saying positive things in the hopes he’ll wake up. Fred has another scary death dream. Wow, they’re dragging this out.

Pop, who owns Pop's Chock'lit Shop, tells Betty and Jughead that he doesn’t think the assailant was a robber. Betty confronts Jughead about joining the South Side Serpents; he says he isn’t going to join and says that he’s moving into F.P.’s trailer—not with his foster parents. He wants to wear F.P.’s jacket and ride his motorcycle and live in his trailer to be close to him. Betty’s worried. I'm worried. The bottle of water I just finished is worried. Betty doesn’t want him to get hurt, which is understandable. Side note: Why am I so bored by their relationship?

Cheryl goes full-on Baby Jane and threatens to kill her mother if she tells anyone the truth about the fire. It’s a really creepy scene, but I love Cheryl and would jump off a cliff for her. Yas, queen. Read your awful mom for filth! You look so good!

Archie tells his friends that he was paralyzed with fear when the assailant shot Fred. He just got on his knees in the moment and closed his eyes until he heard the shooter leave Pop’s—so it’s totally possible this guy nabbed Fred’s wallet. Archie’s ashamed, but he honestly needs to go easy on himself.

Then Archie walks in on Cheryl creepily kissing Fred on the forehead. She says she’s giving him the kiss of life, which would sound weird coming from anyone but Cheryl. Again, Cheryl can do no wrong.

Oof! Another psycho-death dream. This time it’s Veronica in that wedding dress, which explains all those photos that leaked a few months ago. Minutes later, Fred wakes up…unsurprisingly.

Betty comes around and tells Jughead she’s cool with him “exploring” the South Side Serpents if it’ll make him feel closer to his dad. This is a horrible idea. My evidence? The bloodied-and-beaten dude the Serpents interrogated in F.P.'s trailer about Fred's shooting! These guys are bad guys! Take your beanie and run, Jughead!

Veronica comes home, and guess who’s waiting for her?! Her father, Hiram Lodge, who eerily says it’s “disrespectful” that she wasn’t there to greet him. Her dad is hot. This family is hot. Veronica shadily tells her parents that Fred Andrews woke up and saunters off.

Holy shit! Ms. Grundy is back! And she’s making out with another student! Also, WTF again! Fred’s shooter is now killing Ms. Grundy! Who is this guy?! This is literally how the episode ends, and I just can’t.

Parting thoughts: This show is so goddamn magnificent. I’ve missed you, Riverdale.