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Friday, June 02, 2006

Assorted & Warped For Friday

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumblesupon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says,"Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running throughtheforest,you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"The giraffe looks athim,looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says,"Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Comerunning with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel sogood!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, thentosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up heroin..."Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Comerunning with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" Thelion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shitoutof the little rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, and ask him "Lion, why didyoudo this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "Every time he's on Ecstasy that little shit makes merun around the forest like an idiot for hours!"

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#There was this little grey mouse that worked in a factory pulling wiresthrough conduits and every evening after work he would stop in at theneighborhood bar for a beer or two before going home. He was unmarriedand well liked by the bartender, he always cashed his paycheck onFridaynight and had more than two beers.This particular Friday night the mouse was setting at the barhaving a beer and this strikingly beautiful long necked lady giraffecomes in and takes a seat at the end of the bar. The mouse looks herover and she is checking out the mouse. The mouse told the bartendertogive her a drink and soon they are seated together. The bar fills upand the bartender loses track of them. The bartender can't wait to hearhow it went with the mouse and giraffe, but on Monday the mouse don'tshow, nor on Tuesday or Wednesday, but on Thursday he comes in, his furall roughed up, his eyes bloodshot, and his tail just dragging thefloor. He climbs up on a stool, orders a beer and as the bartender setit down, the bartender asks how it went, and why are you looking likeyou were run over by a Mack truck?The mouse answers, it was just wonderful. The bartender sayswhat caused you to look so bad, the mouse said "between the kissing andthe loving, I've run 900 miles."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#"The Truth About Scooby-Doo & Co"

Everyone remembers the cartoon show Scooby-Doo fromtheir early childhood, right? But something you may not remember iswhatthe show was really about. As we've gotten older, it has become moreclear what Fred, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma, and Scooby were actually doingas they traversed the continent foiling crimes of all sorts in theMystery Machine.

WHAT WE REMEMBER: Four teenagers and their trusted doggallop across the country in their purple and green vansolving mysteries of all sorts -- and in the processmeet all kinds of interesting people.

THE TRUTH: Four high-school dropouts and their sentientdog ride around the country in their psychedelic lovemachine, earning their way by selling drugs. Oh, andthey occasionally take some old guys mask off to solvea mystery.

It may be hard to swallow, but just take a look at the evidence...

Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspirationfor the current 'grunge' scene, with his sloppy dressand facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a 'burner',i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he isconstantly hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagieand swallow it whole.

And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do notgenerally smoke joints, Scooby gets his 'high' from Scooby-Snacks,whichare in fact Hash-Brownies. Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter,eats a Scooby-Snack, they go ape! It just blows their mind and they dowhatever they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also hungryall the time.

The other characters do not actively take part in the stoner-fest thatShaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone the selling of it because ithelps support their jaunts across the country (and the world -- theydrove to China once). These other characters do have their ownpeculiarities however...

Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from thegroup to go 'solve the case' by themselves. It's noreal mystery what these two are really doing -- they'regetting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine.Daphne, with her pretty pink legs, and Fred areconstantly bumping uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumpedup on steroids. One thing that remains a mysterythough, is why he always wore that stupid scarf aroundhis neck.

And what about Velma? Everyone's least favorite of thecast, was of course, a lesbian. But, as it turned outin the later episodes, she was also into bestiality.Where do you think Scrappy-Doo came from? Scrappy, whowas a dog yet spoke perfect English, was obviously aproduct of Velma and Scooby.

So the kids spent their teenage years driving aroundthe world, slangin' dope, shooting steroids, eatinghash brownies, and screwing their dog, while all thewhile looking for the perfect 'hit'. Oh if we had onlyknown these things when we watched this cartoon aschildren...

My Duck Is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!," she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Ireland Declares War on France

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringin' to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs, amused; "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last! spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

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