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Woke up feeling really distressed. I want to try to get these emotions on paper to try and understand what is going on with me and how to work on it later. I’ve been on a bit of a roller coaster this last 6 months. One day I felt good. motivated, like everything is going to be OK. Then the next day I wake up like today. I feel worthless, empty, scared. I focus only on the failure of my life. I’ve said to myself this morning, “when I get out, this world is going to eat me alive.” That scared me! What is it inside me that robs me of my drive and zest. I’m worried because its getting worse. 2 years ago I had all the confidence in the world. Jail was just a stumbling block – I knew I could rejoin society. Now I feel like I’m just floating along waiting for who knows what. What am I waiting for? I think I’m waiting for some one to reach their hand out to me. My whole life I’ve always depended on others to pull me out of these ashes. And for alot of my younger years they did. I’m 39 now, yet mentally I act like a 16 year old. There are no more outstretched hands for me and I’m allowing myself to slip away. I cannot let this happen! I don’t know what the future holds for me. Surely I’m not living one day at a time. But I’m also not taking any action. I’m laying around the cell all day, watching too much TV, running back and forth to the yard and playing games. If I spend the next 5 years doing this the world will eat me alive.
The secret to my success lies in recovery. I cant pretend that this is what I need to do to make other people happy. My path – layed out by God – is to get strong spiritually through the steps and help other people not go through what I’ve been through. I think success for me will not be measured by my accomplishments in life, but what I will one day help other people accomplish in life. But I have to act now. I can’t keep squandering this time away hoping that some magic door will open. I need to trust God and myself to do the work needed…..