Nick Johnson has been such a good boy this year, he's actually not confessing at all, he's imagining himself watching his favorite scene from Steel Magnolias.

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"Yeah, that's right, I did it and I'd do it again." Not exactly remorseful there, Dmitri.

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Austin Kearns dreams of a place where .217 hitters are treated like people too.

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Christian Guzman didn't sign up for this bullllll-shit.

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Scott Olsen is a pretty simple guy. He just wants it to be perfectly clear that if the giant, haunting zit on his cheek shows up in team photos, he won't be able to control what happens next.

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Not since Dikembe Mutombo has the D.C. area seen a bat this big.

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Nick Johnson weighs 237 lbs. From the neck down, he weighs approximately 187 lbs. How is he not a character on The Simpsons yet? Not animated or anything though, just as you see him here.

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We just can't get away from Dmitri Young. If we swapped out his uniform for Andre the Giant's trunks and a championship belt, would anyone even blink?

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Lance Berkman becomes the first player to fall for the unfortunate "pose with the ball like it's your prom date" trick. To be fair, "Like a Virgin" was being played on the set when Berkman had this shot taken.

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If you had more "road beef" than Hells Angels, you'd be grinning like Indians mascot Chief Wahoo too.