Plug Stains: Cattle Decapita-BLAAARGGHHH!!

Despite the massive clusterfuck the United States is going through now with all the regressive dinosaurs trying to bring us back to a time that never actually existed, some minor societal changes have happened over the past few years. It wasn’t so long ago that things like tattoos, piercings, and dyed hair were seen as gauche or immature, instant disqualification in the “real” world. Now, grandmas have hot pink hair and lawyers have full sleeve tattoos. Former Myspace kings and queens now have kids, work office jobs, and are probably into craft beer and “true crime” podcasts. The point is that as time goes on, so does society. Most of the time, anyway.

Stretching. Gauging. Ear plugs. Whatever you want to call it, it’s sticking pieces of plastic/metal/whatever in your earlobes to essentially make flesh tunnels. It’s not an uncommon thing to see at metal shows, though once you crawl out of your dank pit into the harsh natural daylight, you won’t see as many people sporting them. Maybe because body modification is a bridge to far. Maybe it’s because people don’t want to catch their dangling hoops on anything sharp. Maybe it’s because people don’t want crusty ears that reek of bad meat wrapped in good cheese stuffed into a water-logged corpse. If that’s your thing, more power to you. Cattle Decapitation has got you covered.

This is definitely a niche market product. There’s not that many people with plugs and out of that relatively small group, there’s even a smaller number that want to rep tiny Cattle Decap roll plates in their head. At least it still serves as an advertisement. Lots of people will see CD’s name before turning their heads in horror and trying not to vomit like an over-pressurized sprinkler. You have a few choices as to which CD plug you want to jam into your ear holes.

You can rock the Monolith Of Inhumanity art. Really scare the normies as you pick out the best alfalfa at Trader Joe’s. Maybe you’ll even start some interesting conversations with people that have bad eyesight and get up real close to look at the fine details. The stench wafting from them will give everyone the true Cattle Decapitation experience.

Sadly, those are not plugs made out of pumpkin or carrot. That would be kind of awesome. Still gross, but awesome. A little gross snack for all your insect friends. These head pylons are laser engraved saba wood. Sounds sexy in an organic, sustainable sort of way. No foam earlobe cookies for you!

All this being said, a quick look at Cattle Decap’s Facebook announcement for these plugs show some people are really into it. It also shows that some people are really into the idea of Cattle Decapitation butt plugs. What’s the point of a band-branded butt plug when you can’t even…y’know what? I’m clearly over-thinking this. Give the fans what they want. Throw a KISS or Misfits logo on it and you’ll have a best-seller.

Off the top of my head, I can’t recall other bands having their own plugs. A quick search brought up this knock-off website that also sells fake money with Donald and Melania Trump on it. Good on Cattle Decapitation for filling a merch need. Who knows? Maybe one day as you’re being wheeled into the ER after an unfortunate moshing accident, you’ll look up and see the head of the surgery department rocking some ear donuts. You can throw up the horns right before you pass out at the sight of the rib spreader.