TRASHY GOSSIP

Celebrities are well-known for gracing their babies with highly unusual and potentially embarrassing names. According to the New York Times, "If celebrities are the new American aristocracy, the exotic baby name can sometimes function as the equivalent of a royal title, a way for a privileged caste to bestow the power of its legacy on future generations."
You've probably wondered how our American aristocracy dreams up such memorable monikers as Pilot Inspektor or Moxie Crimefighter - but wonder no more! The Celebrity Baby Names book is now available to the masses. No longer must you name your baby with such common, downright proletariat names such as Steven or Ashley. Give your babies titles of royalty! Glistening Reptile or Cerulean Cosmonaut are names you can be proud of as you bestow your legacy of power upon future generations. Medium: ink on paper, digital color, photoshop.

The book is so easy to use, even a monkey could do it! Just open to a random page, close your eyes and point! Over 100,000 names to choose from. Medium: photoshop illustration.

You and your baby will love Jenna's tasteful "twosies" from her baby apparel collection, "I'm a Porn Star, Baby." Made from 100% cozy nylon and polyester, each piece features an adorable lace top with plunging neckline and matching lace-up panties with attached thigh-high booties. Medium: ink on paper, digital color.

Jenna's favorite item from her collection is the Dual Action Feeding Bottle made with genuine lifelike silicone. "It's going to be a big hit in Los Angeles because the bottle is designed to more closely resemble the body type of the average Beverly Hills woman", says Jenna. "It's also a smart solution for all the twins being born these days. I've already sent a case to Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez, and the countless other celebrities with twins." Medium: digital illustration.

Jenna's official commissioned portrait. Medium: Digital illustration. Idea for nursery collection came from a witty GOTA commenter.UPDATE:Gallery of the Absurd and It's Candy TV will collaborate occasionally on the newly launched Celebrity Crap Network (CCN), the leading interactive multi-channel peddler of useless merchandise endorsed by already-rich celebrities. We guarantee that all items sold on CCN are unoriginal and of shoddy construction -- and that the associated celebrities have little to nothing to do with the actual planning, design or creation of these items. First up, the Olsen Twins Jewelry Collection.

Max and Emme are ready for their six-million-dollar close-up: We have your first look at Jennifer Lopez and her bundles of joy.
Remove your shoes, put on a surgical mask, and go inside their home as the 38-year-old star and husband Marc Anthony, 39, talk about parenthood and break out their finest bling for an exclusive family photo album. Plus Lopez opens up about her sleepless nights waiting for the wet nurse to feed the babies, the benefits of using diamond chip-laden baby lotion and why babies named “Max” have become as common in Hollywood as former Disney stars in rehab.

Says Lopez of motherhood: “I couldn’t be more proud. These guys are the first good thing I’ve made since ‘Out of Sight.’”

Be sure to check out the entire article in the new issue of PEOPLE, which we’re rushing onto newsstands as soon as possible to recoup our exorbitant investment, as well as our loss on the Aguilera cover. (We knew we should have let OK! have it.) Medium: graphite on paper, digital color. Text written by Candy Kirby.

Moments after I had sunk into the comfy window seat at my favorite coffee shop, I opened the Saturday paper and saw this. Seems the ever expanding Duggar Family has spawned yet again. Not only that, but "less than 30 minutes after giving birth, the Duggars were talking of having more." Aren't they concerned about overpopulation? Nah, that's just a bunch of left-wing mumbo jumbo. The photo is interesting because it manages to look both innocent "Arkansas Couple Welcomes 17th Bundle of Joy" and creepy "Broodmare Keeps Her Zombie Rabbits Hypnotized With Her Magic God Finger". Naturally, I decided to paint the creepy version. Medium: torn out photo from newspaper, ink, grease pencil, digital color.