June 30, 2004

yadda yadda yadda, come up with your own damn title

Okay, I'll just pick the clock nearest me. It's easier to take a picture than to describe it.

Don't make me describe the other clocks I own, or I'll just cry. They're all as dull as that one. Except the one I made, with the fur on.

I'll be damned if I'm gonna have a whole blog entry about clocks. So here's some other stuff.

um...

[I had come up with other stuff, but it was all ridiculous prattle that I wouldn't have borne reading in anybody else's blog, so I deleted it. I'm too much of a babyish self-absorbed asshole today to say anything interesting. Go visit one of the links on the right.]

June 28, 2004

blah blah, something about penguins or some shit...

gods, it's been so long since I wrote in this thing, I don't even know what to say anymore.

Went on Sunday to see Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Decent movie; good special effects. I thought that considering how much they had to chop out of the book, they did a fairly good job of keeping the story going. A friend of mine later pointed out that they didn't take sufficient time to show how Wormtail figured into the whole thing, or how he, Lupin and Black knew each other [or, for that matter, the fact that they, along with James P., had written the map]. If they continue to make movies of the books, I expect they'll make it clearer in the sequels--they'll have to--but I shudder to think at the length, because it's damn hard to take 800+ pages of text, especially text written at J. K. Rowling's story pacing, prune it, jump up and down on it and condense it into something resembling film length. It worked for LOTR, but then you had Peter Jackson doing it. If they don't want to ruin subsequent films, they may have to call somebody like him in. Otherwise...well, I have only one word for that--a word that strikes fear into the heart of every sci-fi and fantasy fan that has ever waited eagerly for the film adaptation of a good novel:

Dune.

Yes. I don't think any of us wants that. So naturally, the greatest of care must be taken, lest Sting appear in subsequent Harry Potter films wearing anything that looks like one of those inflatable bathtub pillows.

Other notes on the film: Ordinarily, I would have groused that they didn't at least give Daniel Radcliffe some green contacts, since his eyes don't match his character's and the author makes such a big deal out of that detail in every book; but he's so goddamn cute, I just can't bring myself to complain. Also, the fact that his father was an Animagus should have been brought up or highlighted more in the film [if it came up, I sure don't remember it], because the more I think about it, the more that seems like a loose end that Rowling is going to make use of later. People insist so often that Harry is like his father that it wouldn't surprise me if he turned out to be an Animagus himself in, say, the 7th book.

Um. There IS going to be a 7th book, right? And maybe an 8th? At least release the 6th, man, I'm strung out here.

Okay, enough of that subject.

I still can't find decent noseplugs for swimming, which I had to call off last Saturday anyway because of my back. I did find one noseclip, finally, in Mallwart's sports section; it had fallen behind a box on a shelf, and didn't have a place on a shelf of its own. Only thing is, the damn thing has a strap on it. Well, if it's supposed to hold your nose down securely on its own, it shouldn't need to go all the way round your head, should it? That seemed odd. I'll see if the pharmacy can order me something less awkward.

I listened to the last 6 [of 10] cassettes of Madame Bovary over the weekend; and while it was a good, if depressing, story, it was read by an Englishman. Well, ordinarily that wouldn't be a problem, except that that was virtually the only human voice I heard all weekend [aside from film actors, who were British, and theater employees and parental units, who were Minnesotan]. The end result of this is that I'm now thinking in a British accent. When I read something somebody writes, regardless of what it is, they sound British in my head. Perhaps this will wear off after work tonight. Curious.

Ooh shit. Time for work.

same bitch time, same bitch channel...

Quote for the day: "One should never touch idols. The gilt may come off in one's hands." --Gustave Flaubert

They've been talking about putting Reagan on some of the money ever since he died, and they have now come out with a Reagan commemorative coin. And I wasn't his biggest fan, but I think that's fine. I have only one teensy problem with it: Did they have to pick the one picture of Reagan that makes him look like one of the undead? I mean, look at this.

The sunken, black-hole eyes with their faint malevolent gleam, the shrunken look of somebody who has only recently risen from a long repose in the grave...[No, I did not doctor this image in any way, except for sizing. This is how the ad actually looks.] Also note the ".999" in the corner of this image, which when reversed...well, you get it.

Third item:

I am 28 today.

Daniel Radcliffe [no photo because IE took a crap and I don't dare futz with it for fear of losing this entry], Britain's one-person male answer to the Olsen twins, is still only 14. That makes him...let's see...half my age. And a minor.

I'm going to go pine now. But at least I know what I want for my 32d birthday.

Fourth item:

Mosquitos [who declined to be photographed for this piece]. Not only are they all over the place, they've set up what appears to be a sentry in the office where I do my measuring. I looked up and there were several of them right at the top of the wall where it joins the ceiling. There was one at one corner....and one at another corner....and one halfway down the wall...

zzzzz "You cannot escape us! We have you surrounded!" zzzzzzz

I stopped using Off! because all the DEET in it makes me sick. I whipped up some stuff with essential oils [clove, lavender, eucalyptus] and rubbing alcohol that works for about an hour or two. It makes your mouth taste like cloves, but at least you don't end up with giant tumours all over your organs. Instead, I use the DEET spray to spray the mosquitoes themselves as they perch on the wall in my work area. I figure, since the smell repels them, let's see them try to breed reeking like DEET.

June 21, 2004

Just Damn Tired

And it's hot in here, even though it's only 63 degrees out. I'd open the window, but the pollen...

I don't feel like doing a damn thing, and my ability to force myself to do things anyway has about run out. I've about had it with being stinky and greasy every fucking day and having to shower constantly so I don't look like a damn homeless person. It seems like all the days are too short and they're just running together.

And it's Litha. More or less. As if that means stone cock when you haven't got anybody to celebrate it with that a] gives a rat's ass and b] can stop whining about their kids [the kids they made, and could have prevented, aborted or given up for adoption if they didn't like them] for 20 minutes.

I'm seriously thinking of going over to friendster.com and seeing if there are any other people around here who have a wonky schedule and aren't beer-swilling racist cretins. If there aren't, I'll just go kidnap some people and transplant them here. Or I'm going to apply for a license to beat the living fuck out of the next person who encourages me to go out there and make friends.

Yes, I'm whining. I'm whining like a goddamn baby. Eat it.

same bitch time, whatever the fuck bitch channel, like anybody reads this shit anyway.

June 15, 2004

No, I did not drown.

And I have all week to practise not drowning. That's my assignment this week, until next Saturday. I'm supposed to obtain a body of water, like a large bowlful or sinkful [I'll start with salt water, then move to plain tap water], stick my face in it, and breathe out without panicking and sucking the water back up my nose.

The class was all middle-aged and elderly ladies anyway, and like one really ancient guy. And they were all just there to bob around in the water, do a couple laps, and gossip. So the instructor was able to tutor me pretty closely. She's a nice gal. I can float right now, and that's about it. But whaddaya want for 45 minutes' instruction, after 15 years of not being in anything deeper than a bathtub? It took the first 5 minutes just to get used to being in the water. Next time, with a little luck and patience, I'll manage to float totally unaided without freaking out.

No, I did not drown, but I did lock my keys in my car. Thank goodness for AAA. [I don't think they could have picked a better acronym for their business, because that's the exact thing you say when you turn around and see your only set of keys lying on the passenger seat: "AAA!" If they had a "Goddammit" division and a "This sonuvabitchin' piece of shit machine!" division, they'd totally have it covered.]

Went to a counselor Monday who works with the county. She's gonna work with me [hopefully] on the psychological issues that are keeping me from losing weight. I know it's not what I'm eating. It has to be what's eating me. Gods, I hate doing this. I could just happily be fat and not have men look at me forever and ever. Either you like me for my personality or you fuck off. But there's no ass and no curves and no cameltoe for you to look at here. That's what you buy Hustler for, you goddamn pig. And I didn't believe that appreciating bodies made men pigs until I actually slept with some men that appreciated me mainly for my body. It's not just about whether they get you off or not. Some pigs are smart enough to break you off just so you don't have anything tangible to come back and complain about. It's how they talk to you, and how, break-off or no break-off, they treat you like a fuck doll. When they appreciate you for your body, that's what they want. A body. They don't want a whole person with needs and feelings and dignity. I don't know why that is--if it's conditioning or testosterone or both. But they're not gonna do it to me, and the look they give that says "I'd like to" makes me just want to puke because I know exactly what it means.

June 12, 2004

first swimming lesson today

To take my mind off the impending water torture, I'm going to try a new [to me] meme: the Saturday 8.

saturday-8 :: car shopping and OUCH.

i was in an accident which totalled my car a bit over a week ago, and now have a double ear infection and some creeping crud in my throat. here we go!

1. when was the last time you went car shopping, either for your own car or for someone else's?
Never. I'm still on my first car, which was given to me by my brother. And since I know stone bupkis about cars, nobody in their right mind would take me along car shopping.

2. when was the last time you had an ear infection? what did you do?
The last one I recall clearly was a couple years ago. I swore a lot, got dizzy all the time and put drops in my ears.

3. i was lucky enough to find a car that my mechanic had to sell. unfortunately, i need to wait for 1.5 weeks before it's ready. how long have you ever had to wait on a car repair?
Coupla days.

4. i can't swallow well at all. what do you do when you have a horribly sore throat?
Either I drink mullein tea with honey and lemon, or I stick my tongue way out and try to touch my chin with it to stretch the throat muscles and bring blood to the throat. And both of those taste a damn sight better than Chloraseptic [ugghh].

5. i gave my mechanic a down-payment for the car, and will owe them approximately $3K, which i'll be paying off when i can. i haven't had a car payment in 5 years. do you have a car payment currently?
Nope. I was lucky--my car was a hand-me-down.

6. i skipped a trip to the dr's because i knew what i had, and instead got some doxycycline from a neighbour like i did the last time i had this double ear-infection/crap throat thing. have you gotten antibiotics or prescription drugs from someone who was NOT a licensed pharmacist?
Yes. Usually it's a medication I already take, like the time the VA tried to switch my dad from Allegra to Claritin for his eczema so they could make him buy the OTC version. The Claritin they sent him didn't work; he had to go back to the Allegra; both my brother and I use Claritin sometimes, although it works sort of half-assed, and since it only comes in one dose, we split up the remainder of Dad's bottle between us.

7. have you ever been in an accident so severe that the car was totalled? if not, tell us about a totalled car of someone you know.
Most of the people I know are careful drivers. I know one person who had her van totalled by another vehicle. I don't know anybody who has totalled their car in a one-car accident. Natural selection works in mysterious ways.

8. when i was in high school, i was sick with mono for 2 months. i was SO weak, i had to sleep by the toilet for one week because i could not walk. what was the longest that you hvae ever been sick?
Summer of 1996: mono. I wasn't the same for a couple years after that, not until I started biking.

Well, I'm going to go get dressed and prepare to go to my watery grave swimming lesson. I tried preparing myself by doing a nasal cleansing and by sticking my face under the shower and breathing through my mouth. Both of these freaked me out, but I was able to make myself do them, just barely. So I'll see how it goes. I'm all right until the water starts to flow in or past my nose--that's when I get scared. It was only $20 for registration anyway, so if I totally go into panic mode and can't hack it, no big loss except some pride.

For some reason, I can't stand being upside down either. Took me all year in elementary phy-ed to do a forward roll because having my head turned upside down frightened the living shit out of me for some reason I can't fathom. I even wig out a little bit during shoulder stands, but I can do them.

eh.

I'M GONNA DIIIIIIIIE!!!!

same bitch time, same bitch channel...

Lyric request for the day: Somebody find me the WHOLE lyrics to Bjork's "Human Behaviour." Not the version where they leave lines out of the second verse and chorus because it's hard to understand.

ye gods.

June 06, 2004

HA!

Good news first: Double overtime! Game 7 is Monday. Sadly, I will be working, unless I suddenly get sick [wink wink]...

Re: spelling, I was right about Andreychuk, wrong about Nieminen. [That still looks wrong, but that's how it's spelled in the article. Whatever. He still has the most frightening set of teeth I've ever seen on a human being. It's like his skull is trying to come out through his mouth when he smiles.] I'm just glad I'm not the poor bastard that has to close caption those games.

And Reagan died. He was 93. Even that's not as bad as it could be; he had a long, illustrious life and lived to a ripe old age, and is now in a better place and probably happy to be at rest. That's more than you can say about a lot of dead people. ~allows a moment of silence~

A note about T-shirt transfers designed for dark shirts: When you iron it on, the whole piece of transfer paper goes. And it's white. Unfortunately, the instructions don't tell you this. They just crow about what a wonderful image you're going to get. Fortunately, if you fuck it up, you can just slap a piece of regular typing paper on top of it, run the iron over it again, and pull it right off the shirt. Lesson learned, and I'm going to head into town in the morning and get some different transfer paper, for light shirts this time. I might also pick up some cheap V-neck tees if I can find any, so I can make myself some nifty shirts to wear without being choked by those damn crew necks. With only a black printer cartridge, I can't do much at this point, but whatever.

Aaaaaaaaaaand that's the news. Same bitch time, same bitch channel...

Weird coincidence for the day: As the Lightning-Flames game went into overtime, we started seeing lightning outside. Hmmmm...

June 05, 2004

i'm looking over a four-leaf clover...

Shown slightly smaller than actual size. Current location: between pp. 6 and 7 of my book of shadows, at the beginning of the "Tables & Diagrammes" section. Maybe it'll learn something.

I slept, like, tons and tons. Slept from about 11 am to 9 pm yesterday, got up, showered, did stuff, slept from maybe midnight to 4, then got up, did some stuff, went for a long walk, and slept from 11 to noon. I must've needed it.

Tampa Bay tries to even it up again tonight against the Flames...7 pm Central. Niemannan and his Elbow of Death are back, so we'll see if the Finn with a Thousand Really Friggin' Yellow Teeth can help make the lead stick against Andreychuk & Co. or if he'll just sit on the bench all night flashing those horrid corn-coloured choppers. [I didn't look any of the spellings of those names up, and I'm not sure I care. If I'm wrong, I'll correct it during/after the game. After getting slammed into the wall so many times, they're probably doing well if they can spell their own names correctly. I wouldn't be surprised if half of those poor fellows had to look at their jerseys at the end of the game to see which locker room to go to.]

Oh, and people's loud car stereos still suck. They smack of somebody with an infantile need to be heard at all costs.

same bitch time, same bitch channel...

Thought for the day: The book I'm reading about the human genome project says that Finns have a high preponderance of genetic abnormalities because of the isolation of the population. I wonder if having zillions of enormous teeth that look as though you eat nothing but saffron and pure nicotine is one of them.

June 03, 2004

Brought To You By The Chamberpot Of Commerce

Well, it's getting to be that time of year again, when the annual summer town festival organised by the local chamber of commerce squats over downtown Bitchburg for a weekend, causing a nerve-fraying and largely unnecessary cacophany [although not, ironically, substantial additional commerce for the downtown businesses involved, since the midway blocks them all] and leaving behind a steaming pile of food wrappers, broken beer bottles, barf and assorted general filth whose stains will take until winter to remove from the sidewalks.

And I know how it's gonna be because it's basically the same damn thing every stinkin' year. So I've come up with a few changes that I think might make the festival more interesting.

~Submerge the Ferris wheel halfway in the bay and let people get on using the dock. Then take them all the way around three times like usual, stopping to let new passengers board.

~Have a separate beer garden for the children. They deserve it after a long, hard semester.

~Give real donkeys and gorillas for prizes in the midway games.

~Put sharks in the dunk tank. Coordinate the dunk tank event with the local law enforcement authority's sex offender release program.

~Have a second dunk tank hooked up to the porta-johns.

~Change the "ball toss" game to "hand grenade toss." The empty bottles would be replaced by Molotov cocktails.

~Have more than one live band, and allow the listeners to vote. The losing band has to go to the dunk tank. Crappy radio-playlist cover bands must also go to the dunk tank.

~Sell LSD cotton candy.

~Have the midway hawkers take members of the player's family hostage as payment--if the player wins, they get their family back. If the player loses, the carnival has a new employee [until they escape].

~Combine the knife-tossing event with the carnival rides.

~Change the tractor pull event so that people actually have to pull a tractor.

~Substitute the darts in the "throw the dart at the balloon" game with suction cup darts of the type that you shoot from a gun, and substitute the balloons with several topless, generously endowed [or implanted, for that really round balloon-y effect] women.

~Sell habanero pepper cotton candy.

~Station a burly attendant at the porta-johns, and have him ask potential potty-goers to name all the states and their capitals.

~Sell senna cotton candy.

~Put real ducks in the "duck shoot" game. Train them to fire weapons, and give them Berettas so they can defend themselves.

June 01, 2004

Hipy Hopy Urly Bthuthduthdy!

For those of you not familiar with A. A. Milne, that was an example of Owl's supposedly superb spelling.

George W. Bush is the same sign as I am. So I thought this year it would be nice to give him a birthday card. Well, I finally found the perfect card among a big box of cards I bought, and it was so fitting that I couldn't wait another day to give it to him. So here it is, Georgie...