Month: January 2016

So, if you’re like me, you’re thinking that 2015 was what it was. It could have been better; it could have been worse. Well, it’s time to take matters into your own hands. I’m fond of saying that you shouldn’t wait for things to happen, you should make them happen. If you want 2016 to be the Worst Year Ever, you are going to have to get started now with negative habits that will last a lifetime! Because I am here to help, I have put together an easy to follow plan, ten easy steps to take. Last week we learned how to Complain. Today, we’ll look at Step #2 , Procrastinating…

I put off writing this blog as long as I possibly could, for obvious reasons. When so many different priorities are competing for your attention and expertise, the easiest course of action is usually the best. Do nothing. This is just the opposite of the Nike slogan. If the good people at Nike really wanted to help people have their Worst Year Ever, they would have the decency to change their slogan to “Just Don’t Do It.” That would convey a powerful message. Why work hard and be productive or efficient or whatever when all that will do is provide a potential for a future reward? Doing absolutely nothing pays off right now! Putting things off until tomorrow doesn’t just work for things like diets or exercise plans. Procrastinating can help you fail at everything from jobs to relationships.

Putting off paying the bills or even looking at your bank account has immediate rewards. If you don’t look, you can assume that everything is okey-dokey. You can just keep spending money like nobody’s business. And if anyone calls you out on your reckless spending, you can reframe this by saying that you are “Not living a life of deprivation,” or “Living abundantly.” This is also known as being a proponent of Prosperity Doctrine and will put in good company, with such fine folks as the independently wealthy and/or multi-level marketers.

Instead of being a no-good layabout, you are “Being Mindful,” and “Listening to the Universe.” These are excellent excuses for not doing a damn thing and will work for those pesky interactions with friends and family for at least a little while. To be honest, it’s hard to tell just what the Universe is saying exactly. It could be saying that now is the time to get out in the world and work hard to achieve your goals…. But the Universe is more than likely saying that you should finish off the rest of those Chips Ahoy cookies and binge-watch Netflix.

If that pesky boss keeps telling you to do something, the easiest and most passive-aggressive way to say you don’t give a crap is to continue to NOT do whatever it is you are being told to do. If you’re lucky this will get you fired and then you are off and running to your Worst Year Ever! But don’t stop there. Get creative. Sometimes the best way to let a friend know that you are not really interested in being a good friend is to let them down.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m so not advocating ignoring your friends. To successfully procrastinate you need to first acknowledge their needs. This requires Active Listening Skills, which basically is the same thing as looking up from your phone occassionally, making eye contact, and grunting a vague “uh-huh” at just the right moments. Once you establish that they need your help you immediately agree to help them. Don’t hesitate. Don’t ask for any details. Don’t even write anything down (such as the time they need to be picked up and where, etc.). You aren’t going to actually help them. Remember, perception is reality, so if they think you care, maybe you actually are being a good friend.

Another key component of procrastination is dealing with the fall-out. You never want to acknowledge that you are, in fact, procrastinating. What you want to try to do is dress up your procrastination in the guise of patience. Why didn’t you start your diet? Why didn’t you call that person back yet? Why haven’t you paid the bills or gone to the store or found a job yet? You are just being patient and that’s OKAY. (Not really, but you get the idea.) And, while we’re being real, let’s be clear about what we’re doing. Disguising procrastination as patience is a lot like putting an ugly dog in an even uglier Christmas sweater. It’s NOT OKAY. But you see where we’re going with this, right?

Saying that we are being Patient when we are really Procrastinating allows us to be self-righteous when we are called out. In this way, it is totally not our fault and something is apparently wrong, instead, with the entire rest of the world. This leads us naturally to Step # 3, Blame! We will explore this topic in the next installment.

Having mastered the art of Complaining and Procrastinating, you should be well on your way to making 2016 the Worst Year Ever!! Feel free to leave comments below on your progress so far, and good luck!

Jefferson Holbrook, DSC, received a Doctor of Science in Communications from Tudor College of Earlscroft University and has published numerous essays, articles, poems, short stories and blogs. He is also the author of two collections of poetry. He lives with his family in the southeastern United States.

So, if you’re like me, you’re thinking that 2015 was what it was. It could have been better; it could have been worse. There were kinda horrible things that happened and there were pretty awesome things that happened too. Well, it’s time to take matters into your own hands. I’m fond of saying that you shouldn’t wait for things to happen, you should make them happen. If you want 2016 to be the Worst Year Ever, you are going to have to get started now with negative habits that will last a lifetime! Because I am here to help, I have put together an easy to follow plan, ten easy steps to take to ensure that 2016 is a glorious disaster. Today, we’ll look at number one, Complaining…

Complain

Dictionary.com defines the word “Complain” [kuh m-pleyn] as a Verb: “to express dissatisfaction, pain, uneasiness, censure, resentment, or grief; find fault.” You woke up before your alarm clock even went off, feeling refreshed and ready for a new day. There is almost no traffic as you make your way to work. You even had time to stop for a cup of coffee at your favorite place and there was not a line at all, the entire stop taking less than 3 minutes! Warning, these things can lead to you having a good day and then maybe another one and so on. Before you know it, you’re having your best year ever. Even if things are going your way, a good way to derail the Happy Train is to Complain. Complaining is an ingenious way to take whatever you have, be it a lot or a little, and make it seem even less.

For the true Complainer, the glass is not just half empty, wait! Is this glass clean? Did you even wash this glass?!

If you’re not a complainer by nature, you might need a little help to get started. Complaining is just part of a larger goal you have of being a really negative person. No one just wakes up and all of sudden starts complaining. So, where does it begin? The seeds that eventually bear the bitter fruit of complaining are laced with ingratitude. That’s right! All you have to do to get started is simply ignore someone whenever they do something nice for you or do something just plain good in general. People who walk around with a sense of entitlement have got this down pat. That’s because they expect everyone around them to do and say things for their benefit. Not expressing gratitude is what eventually leads to complaining. A good example of this is when a family member or friend goes out of their way to help you. Maybe you need to be picked up somewhere and they drive up right on time to pick you up, ignoring their kind gesture is where it all begins. Before you know it, you’ll be making them feel bad for not bringing you coffee when they picked you up! See? The grate (see what I did there?) thing about being ungrateful, is that once you make a habit of not thanking people it will become second nature. You won’t even know you are doing it. You will just be off in your own little world, oblivious to the fact that everyone arround you sees you for the ungrateful person you really are! Being ungrateful leads to many unpleasant things, complaining is just one of them.

And it is so easy to complain. You can complain about anything! Those healthy tax refunds? What the heck are you going to do with all that money? All those gift cards you got from relatives over the holidays? Don’t they know how crowded the stores are going to be? Don’t they love you at all?! Sure, your boss loves you and you just got a big fat raise, but isn’t there something better out there for you? Maybe?

And, anytime is a good time to complain, especially if a friend or family member is going out of their way trying to be helpful. Don’t they know how annoying a listening ear can be in times of trouble? And don’t get me started about the helpful advice they gave you that one time when you really needed it. What were they doing, just fishing for a compliment or something? Well, they won’t get a compliment from you. You’re just too good for that. Once you have managed to master the fine art of complaining you are well on your way to making 2016 the Worst Year Ever!

Stay tuned for the next article where we learn the importance of Procrastination!

Jefferson Holbrook, DSC, received a Doctor of Science in Communications from Tudor College of Earlscroft University and has published numerous essays, articles, poems, short stories and blogs. He is also the author of two collections of poetry. He lives with his family in the southeastern United States.