And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles.

This morning I had a fight with Victor about towels. I can’t tell you
the details because it wasn’t interesting enough to document at the
time, but it was basically me telling Victor I needed to buy new bath
towels, and Victor insisting that I NOT buy towels because I “just bought new towels“.
Then I pointed out that the last towels I’d bought were hot pink beach
towels, and he was all “EXACTLY” and then I hit my head against the wall
for an hour.

Then Laura came
to pick me up so we could go to the discount outlet together, and as
Victor gave me a kiss goodbye he lovingly whispered, “You are not allowed to bring any more goddam towels in this house or I will strangle you“.
And that was exactly what I was still echoing through my head an hour
later, when Laura and I stopped our shopping carts and stared up in
confused, silent awe at a display of enormous metal chickens, made from rusted oil drums.

Laura: I think you need one of those.

me: You’re joking, but they’re kind of horrifically awesome.

Laura: I’m not joking. We need to buy you one.

me: The 5-foot tall one was $300, marked down to $100. That’s like, $200 worth of chicken for free.

Laura: You’d be crazy not to buy that. I mean, look at it. IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY.

me: Victor’d be pissed.

Laura: Yup.

me: But on the plus side? It’s not towels.

Laura: Yup.

me: We will name him Henry. Or Charlie. Or O’Shannesy.

Laura: Or Beyoncé.

me: Or Beyoncé. Yes. And when our friends are sad we can leave him at their front door to cheer them up.

Laura: Exactly. It’ll be like, “You thought *yesterday* was bad? Well, now you have a enormous metal chicken to deal with. Perspective. Now you have it.”

Then we flagged down a salesman, and we were all “What can you tell
us about these chickens?”, as if we were in an art gallery, and not in a
store that specializes in last years’ bathmats. He didn’t know
anything about them, but he said that they’d only only sold one and it
was to a really drunk lady, and then Laura and I were all “SOLD. All this chicken belongs to us now.”

Insert-inappropriate-cock-joke-here.

So he loaded it onto a trolley, but Beyoncé was surprisingly
unstable, and the giant 5 foot metal chicken crashed over onto the
floor. And Laura and I were all “CHICKEN DOWN! CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3″
but he didn’t laugh. Then the manager came to see what was causing all
the commotion, and that’s when he found the very-conservative salesman
unhappily struggling to right an enthusiastically pointy chicken which
was almost as tall as he was. The salesman was having a hard time, and
he told everyone to stand back “because this chicken will cut you“,
and at first I thought he meant it as a threat, like “That chicken has a
shiv”, but turns out he just meant that all the chickens’ ends were
sharp and rusty. It was awesome, and Laura and I agreed that even if we
got tetanus, this chicken had already paid for himself even before we
got it in her truck.
Then we got to my house and quietly snuck the chicken up to my front door, rang the doorbell, and hid around the corner.

Knock-knock, motherfucker.

Victor opened the door and looked at the chicken in stunned silence for about 3 seconds. Then he sighed, closed the door and walked away.

Laura: What the fuck? That’s it? That’s the only reaction we get?

me: That’s it. He’s a hard man to rattle.
Victor was surprisingly pissed that I’d “wasted money” on an enormous
chicken, because apparently he couldn’t appreciate the hysterical value
of a 5 foot chicken ringing the doorbell. Then I said, “Well, at least
it’s not towels” and apparently that was the wrong thing to
say because that’s when Victor screamed and stormed off, but I knew he
was locked in his office because I could hear him punching things in
there. Then I yelled through his door, “It’s an anniversary gift for you, asshole. Two whole weeks early. 15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.”
Then he yelled that he wanted it gone, but I couldn’t move it myself,
so instead I said okay and went to watch tv. Then when the UPS guy
came I hid, but he was all “Dude. Nice chicken” and Victor yelled, “IT
IS NOT A NICE CHICKEN”. Which was probably very confusing to the UPS guy, who was just trying to be polite, Victor.
Victor seemed more disgruntled than usual, so I finally dragged the
chicken into the backyard and wedged it into a clump of trees so that it
could scare the snakes away. Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled
me into his office so that I could see that I’d stationed Beyoncé
directly in front of his only window. And I was all “Exactly.
YOU’RE WELCOME.” I told him that he could move Beyoncé if he wanted
to, but he totally hasn’t. Probably because of all of the giant rocks I
piled on Beyonce’s feet to dissuade burglars. Or possibly because
Beyoncé is growing on him. Still, I can’t help but think that we
wouldn’t even be having this argument if Beyoncé was towels.
Honestly, this whole chicken is really a lesson in picking your battles
more carefully. Plus, he’s awesome and I can’t stop giggling every
time I look at him. Beyoncé, that is.
Best. 15th anniversary. ever.

About Kara Leigh Frank

I'm just a girl in my 20's trying to find my way in the world and leave it a little better than when I came. I love to laugh, hopefully that will become abundantly clear if you read my blog. I also firmly believe that life should not be taken too seriously, you could say that's my motto. Minnesota girl - enjoying life - trying to figure it all out.

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What began as a wedding blog has evolved a bit. I began to write about my stumbles through wedding planning, and found that it had little to do with said topic. Rather, it was an outlet to describe some of the ridiculousness that tends to follow me. So, with that, and with the wedding behind us, I will charge on. If you will continue to read. If not, I will likely still charge on. Charging, writing, blogging, to myself. So read please!