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The most unkindest cut of all? A modest proposal for the circumcision crisis

A customer enters the shop and asks the owner, a bearded Jew, the price of the watch.

“I don’t sell watches,” replies the Jew.

“But you have a watch hanging in the display window!” replies the customer.

“Indeed. But here’s the thing: I am a mohel. I do circumcisions. Now what would the gentleman suggest I hang in the shop window?”

— Old Jewish joke

The German problem

Let’s just admit: Circumcision is a strange and slightly disturbing topic. (I’ve always imagined Abraham muttering, “He wants me to cut off my what?!”) However, its centrality to religious ritual and identity makes it difficult to discuss dispassionately.

Even stranger: It is now the subject of international debate. Who would have imagined that the Jewish world this summer would be in turmoil over an existential threat — coming from Germany rather than Iran? That’s all we need.

As UK Chief Rabbi Sacks pointed out, circumcision has epitomized the Jewish covenant with God since the time of Abraham, so even the non-observant see any attack on it as a mortal threat. A ban on circumcision helped to trigger the revolt of the Maccabees (1, 2). The founders of Reform Judaism readily discarded the dietary laws and even the Messiah — but did not dare touch circumcision (1, 2).

Still, not too serious to preclude a classic piece of humor, at once sardonic and self-deprecating:

A man asked a famous rabbi why it was necessary to circumcise the Shechemites and then kill them? Couldn’t they have punished them without the circumcision?

The rabbi explained: If the sons of Jacob had killed the Shechemites as pagans, all the inhabitants of the land would have risen up and avenged them. But because they were circumcised, they counted as Jews, and when one kills Jews, nobody cares two hoots.

According to law professor Holm Putzke (an ironic name, under the circumstances), whose views underlay the verdict: “This decision could not only influence future jurisdiction, it could also lead the relevant religions to change their attitude with respect to the fundamental nature of children’s rights.” (Yes, he’s as modest as he is realistic.)

Clearly, the crisis calls for a Solomonic judgment. Strictly speaking, I suppose, a Solomonic judgment would have been to cut the foreskin in half, dividing it between parents and child. The parents would have accepted this compromise (after all, it’s no skin off their… well, never mind). The infant, realizing this would hurt just as much as cutting off the whole damned thing, would have cried inconsolably, whereupon our modern Solomon would have declared: “Let the baby keep the foreskin!” Of course, the real Solomon was strictly observant (he even got to build the Temple), so his usual method of conflict resolution would have failed.

The Vikings to the rescue

The Scandinavians already consider themselves wiser than the parties to the Middle East conflict, so it’s not surprising they think they’re wiser than Solomon, too. The Norwegian ombudsman for children’s rights suggested that Jews and Muslims simply “replace male circumcision with a symbolic, nonsurgical ritual.” Voilà, she thought — but almost before she could toss back that celebratory akkevit, the head of the Oslo Jewish community drily observed that her mandate “did not extend to devising Jewish rituals.” Oops.

Still, bending over backward to be open-minded, I turn again to our rich folkloric tradition:

A very liberal Christian said to his Jewish friend: “You know, a common religion would be the best thing for all of us! You give up something, and we give up something — and unity would be achieved!”

“You have it a lot easier,” responded the Jew. “You have the Father and the Son and the Holy Ghost, so you could easily let go of one of them. But we have only The One: what is there for us to give up?!”

— Old Jewish joke

Quite. Judaism and Islam cannot give up their strict ethical monotheism. But circumcision? Perhaps what at first seemed yet another manifestation of Eurocentric condescension could in fact be the chance to create a truly multicultural global community.

The grand compromise: A modest proposal

Let us agree that religious traditions should indeed be judged by the modern standards of abstract rationality and universal human rights. We Jews and Muslims will give up child circumcision. But what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

The Elders of Zion and Islam (meeting at one of those joint Tisha B’Av/Ramadan break-fasts) therefore came up with a little list of necessary changes to your majority European Christian religion:

• Infant baptism: Sprinkling a naked, shivering, bawling baby with cold water and smearing oil on its head? Even though no body parts are removed, it’s cruel and unusual. Verboten.

Adult baptism only from now on: and in sanitary, heated pools, not dirty ponds and rivers. European Union health inspectors will be vigilant. Have documentation ready in triplicate.

• Communion: The language of the ritual — “This is my body… this is my blood” — is terrifying and cannibalistic. What is your toddler to think when mommy drinks “the blood of Christ?” Yuck. And you worry that circumcision causes lifelong trauma?! A clear violation of basic human rights.

• And the gruesome “art” found in your churches (Calvinist excepted)! Crucifixions and torture of all sorts: saints beheaded, stoned, burned, boiled, shot with arrows — you name it. Your child would not be allowed to see that sort of graphic violence in a movie theater until the age of 17. Another lawsuit or big psychotherapy bill just waiting to happen.

Leaving aside that Trinity thing (we admit we don’t understand it, and even you say it’s “a mystery”), with all due respect: Teaching that Christ was born by spiritual rather than sexual means, of a virgin, and came back from the dead? We’re sorry, but this is in complete conflict with all the laws of nature. Teaching such doctrines will harm children’s performance in the science classes so vital to success in our technological world: poor test scores, failed college entrance exams, low-wage jobs. Sound education and economic opportunity are also human rights.

• Finally, let’s consider the social consequences. World church leaders have called action on global warming “repentance in action.”

That’s all well and good, but we’ve reviewed the record and, oh dear: turns out you have an awful lot more to repent for, starting with centuries of teaching hatred of Jews and Muslims. The Crusades? Expulsion from Spain? The Inquisition? Colonialism and the slave trade in Africa? Forced conversion and genocide of the indigenous peoples of the Americas? Wars of Religion? Witch hunts? Why, the list just goes on and on.

You justified all those crimes against humanity on the basis of your religion. The charge of deicide against the Jews is enshrined in your New Testament (bet you wish now you could have a do-over on that one), so we’re going to have rather a long list of edits. We’ll get back to you about that.

If a child cannot decide whether to undergo circumcision, he certainly cannot rationally choose a religion. Is imposing one upon him not a violation of his psychological and intellectual “integrity?”

All religions have beliefs and practices that seem strange to outsiders. Most are harmless. Which causes more lasting harm: Circumcising children or filling their little minds with doctrines that they cannot possibly understand and may leave them crippled for life by credulity or even bigotry? We see the results of religious fanaticism all around us.

But of all these superstitions, is not the most dangerous that of hating your neighbor for his opinions? And is it not evident that it would be much more reasonable to worship… the Holy Foreskin… than to detest and persecute your brother?

So, instead of obsessing over the foreskin, let’s focus on the head. Instead of banning one time-honored religious ritual, why not just ban all religious indoctrination of children? Let them study the natural sciences and comparative religion and make up their own minds when they reach adulthood.

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