It's what I do best...

All I seem to do anymore is fuck up...I cut when I'm told not too. I cant resist, it's an addiciton, not just something that one can just quit easily. I started cutting about 5 years ago, did it with my friends because it was "cool" and I loved the feelling...I was going through alot of shit at the time and it was just a release for me. Now I've started cutting again, and I went to someone that I thought I could trust...now everyone in the whole fucking world knows that I, Jacque, cut and have suicidal thoughts and I'm just a fucked up person who doesnt deserve to be here. I can't help it...but I guess I did something bad enough to deserve all this shit. Fuck if I know! So yeah...I'm doing some dumbass counseling and when I went to the clinic the first time, the doctor laughed at my cuts!!! He only saw a few of them, because I try to keep them hidden, but it made me want to cut more...and I did. He fuckin laughed at me though! What the fuck? He had no right to do that. Now I'm on Zoloft and it isnt doing anything but make me sick. Im tempted to just quit taking it...and end my fucking life. It's worthless now. I've disappointed my family and friends, fucked up my relationship with my fiance of 2 and a half years...nothing to live for anymore. Everything is worthless now, so why not just end it all??? I'm considering it. I feel like I've got nowhere else to go...I'm even being threatened to be discharged out of the Coast Guard if I dont "get better" in 6 months. It's just not worth it anymore, to continue living a life of pain. :sad:

Hey Jacque, it sounds like you've been let down a lot because of this. It was bang out of order for your doctor to laugh at your cuts. That was totally unprofessional and inexcusable.

It's a shame the meds ain't working. How long have you been on them? Sometimes it can take a few weeks for meds to start working but if you're being sick and you don't think their working then don't hesitate to let them know and maybe change your meds. There was a range of medications out there and sometimes it can be a case of trial and error until you find the right one for you.

Can your relationship with your fiance be salvaged? Maybe the break between the argument (or whatever happened) will help both you and the other person cool off and you can both talk about it and try and get past this. I hope you can.

Don't end your life, things can get better you've just gotta hang in there.

How is counseling going? I am pretty sure that if you try some other meds that would be a good step.

Self harm isn't easy to get out of. I can understand about your family, and the coast gaurd etc. Extra pressure isn't good. Have you tried any alternatives to self harm? Such as holding ice to your skin (pain, leaves no scars), or using red dye (blood)? Maybe when you get an urge to cut you write down your feelings, or do something you enjoy, maybe listen to music, or anything else to distract you. Your counselor probably went through this with you; sorry if I'm repeating anything you've heard before.

I hope things get better for you, and in the meantime take care of yourself. :hug:

PM me if you wanna talk more about this and i'll patch you my msn or something if you want. Your deserve life and you deserve your chance. There's no reason you should think otherwise, and if there is tell me what it is and I bet it isnt worth killing yourself over.

All I seem to do anymore is fuck up...I cut when I'm told not too. I cant resist, it's an addiciton, not just something that one can just quit easily. I started cutting about 5 years ago, did it with my friends because it was "cool" and I loved the feelling...I was going through alot of shit at the time and it was just a release for me. Now I've started cutting again, and I went to someone that I thought I could trust...now everyone in the whole fucking world knows that I, Jacque, cut and have suicidal thoughts and I'm just a fucked up person who doesnt deserve to be here. I can't help it...but I guess I did something bad enough to deserve all this shit. Fuck if I know! So yeah...I'm doing some dumbass counseling and when I went to the clinic the first time, the doctor laughed at my cuts!!! He only saw a few of them, because I try to keep them hidden, but it made me want to cut more...and I did. He fuckin laughed at me though! What the fuck? He had no right to do that. Now I'm on Zoloft and it isnt doing anything but make me sick. Im tempted to just quit taking it...and end my fucking life. It's worthless now. I've disappointed my family and friends, fucked up my relationship with my fiance of 2 and a half years...nothing to live for anymore. Everything is worthless now, so why not just end it all??? I'm considering it. I feel like I've got nowhere else to go...I'm even being threatened to be discharged out of the Coast Guard if I dont "get better" in 6 months. It's just not worth it anymore, to continue living a life of pain. :sad:

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i am so sorry hun...i want you to know that i am your friend..and i will always be here for you....

i think you deserve to be here.i really do..i care about you hun

listen..if you have MSN messenger by the way...my address is :IMissU34@hotmail.com...i want to help you...