Saturday, May 04, 2013

Due to our X-Tra Large Jimmy Olsen, Secret Agent installment earlier, I'll do a quick Psylocke overview, one that's skimpy (hah!) and follow up next time with the survey of X-Men Annual #10: The One with the X-Babies, Oh No. Instead, here's a brief (hee hee!) peek at the Marvel Universe edition of the Psylocke Action Pfigure!

Geez, Jimmy? Why you go an' attack Superman with lasers and fire and laser fire, huh? I guess we'll find out later, because Silver Age comic book covers never lie to us, right?

Man, Jack Kirby could not get over to DC fast enough, could he?

In any case, this story starts the way a Jimmy Olsen story always starts: with Jimmy Olsen biting off more than he can chew. In this case it's seeing the exciting adventures on film of one of the many 007 imitators of the mid-1960s.

And then, just like every adventure of James Betty Olsen, he ruins it by taking it just a bit too far by wanting to imitate the main character in the movie. I guess we're lucky Jimmy has never seen the movie version of The Omen, huh?

Then, Jimmy decides to cosplay as the Eleventh Doctor. Jimmy, bow-ties are definitely not cool, okay? Also: that Silver Age comic book cover totally lied to us!

Also of this is just playacting and all in a usual day in the life of J.O. All fine until a nameless character who will never get his entry in Who's Who in the DC Universe passes away in Jimmy's arms, giving him a cryptic dying clue. Of course, RATHER THAN ALERTING THE POLICE, Jimmy decides to solve the case himself. No wonder Inspector Henderson shot him in every issue of the DC limited series Jimmy Olsen Takes the Law Into His Own Hands #1-12.

Jimmy instantly changes his appearance from a red-haired man in a red and black polka-dotted bow tie and a green suit to a black-haired man with a fake mustache in a red and black polka-dotted bow tie and a green suit. He has such range. Also: he steals from a Mexican man. Jimmy Olsen: fightin' mad at illegal immigration.

Of course, Jimmy is instantly captured by Evil Doctor Luchadore and tossed into an maximum security cell at the MacGyver State Prison. There he meets a beautiful señorita, and instantly escapes via Kool-Aid. Sometimes I doubt Jimmy's "he-man" personality.

Hugo Drax has his Moonraker rocket, Ernst Stavro Blofeld has his deadly dozen of beautiful international maidens, and Emile Largo has his...thunderballs...but Doctor Luchadore has his gigantic working model of the human heart. In such a way he hopes to strike at the heart of world commerce. But thanks to Olsen, Jimmy Olsen...all his efforts will be in vein. You aorta know that.

Suddenly...HI-KEEBA! There alway has to be at least one hi-keeba in a secret agent film, and even Jimmy gets one in. It's kind of cruel when they were bringing in a nice ice cold bowl of water soup and half a SPAM. Then we discover that the missing Professor truly resides in his heart. i don't understand why the Professor didn't smuggle his beautiful daughter in there, really. It's a pretty big heart. In fact, it's a ventricle built for two. (Hey-yo!)

The artwork on Bob Brown's Showcase cover doesn't look at all like Sean Connery, but Norman J. Nodel's interior art is such a great likeness of that famous Scot that he oughta been the artist on that big giant treasury adaptation of Zardoz we all wish was published in '74.

So, this psast Psaturday, in the midpst of a dipscupspsion about Psylocke, I brought you this panel showing Captain America (in his civilian identity as District Attorney Grant Gardner illustrator Steve Rogers), getting so many obsessive love vibes from a fictional version of Marvel writer Ann Nocenti during a job interview that he jumps out of the window. Creeeeeepy, FictionAnn! Stop staring at Steve's butt!

As I commented at the time: And that's why Ann Nocenti punched Jim Shooter in the face. I'd now like to make it clear that was a joke. (That's a joke, I say, that's a joke, son!) Ann Nocenti would never punch Jim Shooter in the face. (For one thing, she couldn't reach.)

But is this the worst time that Captain America has ever gotten these sort of vibes from someone during an interview? Heck no. (Or else I wouldn't have much of a post tonight.) There's this "classic" moment where Steve, man-hunk that he is, loses out on a job after refusing to date Ms. Irene Clancy.

Immediately following this scene, Steve Rogers hired his good friends Matt Murdock and Foggy Nelson, who filed a five million dollar suit against Irene Clancy and Concept Inc. for sexual discrimination and sexual harassment. The company later agreed on an out-of-court 1.5 million dollar settlement, which Steve immediately spent on shield wax. Ms. Irene Clancy was immediately terminated from her position. She now manages a Hardee's in Buffalo, NY.

My point, and I do have one...don't do that.

Don't do this, either:

Panels from Avengers v.1 #215

That guy's perfectly-rectangular briefcase will never be the same again! This falls not only under this blog's usual criteria of Dumbass Things You Shouldn't Do but is also sexual harassment. Even though this is the most crowded bank in Manhattan since October 29, 1929, there simply ain't no excuse for pawing (please excuse the pun) Tigra. Not how she's dressed, not how furry she is. As one, and on behalf of all furry creatures I say "Hands off, buddy!"

It's an inappropriate, illegal, and dumbass thing to do, and not only should it get you arrested, it may just get you railed.

So let's remember this as we move into comic book convention season, and I shouldn't have to tell you this: don't be a dumbass around other people, no matter how they're dressed. Treat them with respect and hands off. Let's have comic book conventions without anyone getting manhandled, catcalled, insulted, badgered, groped, molested, or treated as an object. Okay? Okay.

Panel from the Super 8 story insert in Batman Beyond v.4 #6 (August 2011), story by J.J. Abrams and David Baronoff, script by Peter Tomaso, pencils, inks and colors by Tommy Lee Edwards; letters by John Workman

How lucky can one guy be
I kissed her and she kissed me
Like the fella once said
Ain't that a kick in the crotch?

Yes, it's Kick in the Crotch Month! Join us every day all through May when we celebrate yet another one of comics' lowest blows! (Readers of a nervous disposition may wish to wear an athletic protector.)