Kevin Keegan

“Well, that’s like asking me who is on my Christmas card list. I sit down with the wife and I say ‘Did they send us one last year or this year’, and if they haven’t we rip the name up and throw it in the bin. But then, a couple of days after Christmas the card might arrive late so we do a card for them on the 28th and date it the 22nd and send it off and hope they don’t notice…I haven’t a clue what I’m talking about.”

Who else? None other than guff immortal Kevin Keegan. Many have stepped up to the nonsense plate, but no one has ever spouted more out-and-out gibberish than Kev.

Kev’s teams played the way he talks – rushing headlong into trouble without ever considering the bothersome issue of whether what they are at is actually sensible. It was often bloomin’ entertaining, though.

Kev and Players:

“The substitute is about to come on – he’s a player who was left out of the starting line-up today.”

ITV once paid big money for this kind of incisive analysis.

“I don’t think there’s anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona.”

Surely you can think of someone.

“Despite his white boots, he has real pace.”

Give him a black pair and he’s be uncatchable.

“The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they’re not careful.”

Because if you let your age go, it’s very difficult to reduce it again.

“He’s using his strength. And that is his strength – his strength.”

Strong words.

“Nicolas Anelka left Arsenal for £23million and they built a training ground on him.”

Understandable actions by Arsenal, in the circumstances, but Nic managed to dig himself back out.

“They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he’s nothing like him, but I can see why – it’s because he’s a bit different.”

Reminiscent of the old Frank Carson joke – “What’s the difference between a duck?”

“I would ask anyone to try to understand the world he lives in. We all have to accept that he is married to Spice Girl Victoria Adams – and I think he copes very well with it.”

A touching appeal for compassion for unfortunate David Beckham

“Goalkeepers aren’t born today until they’re in their late twenties or thirties.”

The labour pains must be terrible.

“You can’t play with a one armed goalkeeper… not at this level.”

Maybe in Scotland.

“The last thing I wrote on the board before we came out was: ‘If you go out there and show me that determination and you show this crowd that you want it more, they’ll be that twelfth man for you. They’ll give you that extra lift.'”

It was half-time before they reached the pitch.

Kev and the Obvious…

“There’ll be no siestas in Madrid tonight.”

A safe enough bet.

“Argentina won’t be at Euro 2000 because they’re from South America.”

Hard to argue.

Kev and Post Mortems…

“At this level, if five or six of you don’t turn up, you’ll get beat.”

Better have a roll-call on the bus then.

“You just need one or two players playing well to have a chance in this league. But you need nine or 10 playing well to have a chance to win.”

You just need one Kevin Keegan to have a chance of guff.

“We don’t get any marks for effort like in ice skating.”

Should we break it to Kev that hapless endeavour goes just as unrewarded on the rink?

“I’m not trying to make excuses but I think the lights may have been a problem.”

Kev makes excuses for David Seaman’s latest howler.

“You can’t do better than go away from home and get a draw.”

Might have explained Manchester City’s away form…

Kev and Contradictions:

“Richard Dunne has always been in the frame for me. When he has been out of the frame it was because he took himself out of it for one reason or another.”

One of those reasons may have had something to do with Dunner’s ample frame.

“Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice.”

Kev should have weighed up his options before he said this.

And speaking of options:

“Chile have three options – they could win or they could lose.”

“England have the best fans in the world, and Scotland’s fans are second-to-none.”

Bet hedging of which Trevor Brooking would be proud.

“I came to Nantes two years ago and it’s much the same today, except that it’s completely different.”

And to think the sentence had started so brightly with the promise of cultural insight

Kev and… Kev-ness…

“Hungary is very similar to Bulgaria. I know they’re different countries… “

Do you, Kev? Do you really?

“In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg.”

Clearly, Keggy has never had a broken leg.

“I know what is around the corner – I just don’t know where the corner is.”

Profound in its own way, we reckon.

“It’s understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and another up the chimney.”

Understandable is not a word we’d associate with this remark.

“I’d love to be a mole on the wall in the dressing room.”

A mole with climbing gear, presumably.

“The tide is very much in our court now.”

Should probably talk to the groundskeeper about that.

“I’ve had an interest in racing all my life, or longer really.”

Kev and Hod often get together to discuss their past lives.

“England can end the millennium as it started – as the greatest football nation in the world.”

Perhaps it was in a past life that Kev learned so much about 9th Century football.

“Life wouldn’t be worth living if you could buy confidence because the rich people would have it all and everybody else would… would have to make their own arrangements.”

Kev has already made his own arrangements in the making-sense department. Possibly his greatest single piece of work.