Thursday, September 27, 2007

Anticipation...

I've just finished watching Grey's and between sipping some wine and having Molly stare at me intermittently, I'm thinking of events to come, eagerly anticipating most.

Tomorrow I'm shopping and lunching with two close friends and tomorrow night my husband is taking me out to a lovely restaurant to celebrate our third year anniversary, since I will be in Canada for the actual date. I've bought a new outfit to wear for him and I don't know if I'm more psyched about that or the actual meal. The top can be either sexily racy or more modest depending on how I will wear it, but either way I think he's going to like it just a lot, especially if I prove to be brave.

On Saturday Andy, Alex and I are paintballing with friends from work and I'm a bit apprehensive about this, as I fear I'm going to get creamed. Both Andy and Rob have expressed an interest in popping more than few off at me. Hopefully I will surprise them and myself by proving to be a better shot, but I think I stand more chance of winning the next edition of Britain's Next Top Model.

Right.

Some have called me crazy for doing this just before heading home, and perhaps they are correct - I'm more than likely to be covered in bruises on Sunday but my mind will be otherwise preoccupied as I try and figure out what to pack for my journey home on Monday...

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Breathing In

Today I'm still feeling a bit tired but other than that I've completely rallied (as I knew I would). It wouldn't have been so easy if I A) Didn't have the husband that I do, and B) Work with an amazing bunch of people.

In hindsight, I see that the mistake I made was one that anyone could have made whilst distracted. It still doesn't make myself any less mad, but I realize there is nothing I can do about it but move on, which I'm beginning to do.

As for everything else that was bugging me, well a lot of its still on my mind but I had my little 'purge' and for that I feel a lot better. Its the people that can't rant and rave every now and then that I feel for.

The weather here has turned amazingly cold - I can't believe its only the middle of September. It feels like the first of November. Either way, I'll breath in that crisp air and get on with it. I've got bigger things to worry about - like what to pack.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

The word crazy isn't in my blog title for no reason...

Rational me says that tomorrow morning I'm going to feel much better. Calm and easy-going me, knows that in a few days, even hours, this will pass and I will look back and wonder how I could let myself fall into this little corner of crazy I enter into at least twice a year.

Maybe I need psychological help. Maybe I'm beyond that. I have had psychological help before for variant reasons and I don't know if it helps. I think deep down we all have this little, tiny piece that is utterly and completely nuts. I like to think that I'm being half-way healthy, even if I save it all up until my head feels as if it might explode and then bang, I let it out. That has to be better than letting it all build up and not doing anything about it. I'm trying not to focus too much on it as I sit here tonight. I should be up in bed beside my husband but instead I choose to be downstairs drinking my diet pepsi and trying to get some work done, even thought its after midnight. Once finished this post, I'll get down to work. Sleep won't be coming easy tonight.

The damn inside me has been trying to break ever since I was the cause of a screw-up at work on Wednesday. I've received a load of support from my co-workers over it, and I do realize that I am human and prone to making mistakes, but I have such a feeling of disappointment hanging over my head. I haven't screwed up this big in well, never. And to do so at this point in the job just multiplies the level of disappointment I am feeling in myself. It'll pass, I'm sure of it, but at the moment, I'm really feeling it... and to talk about it in this forum is taking a lot of guts on my behalf. I'm not looking for a rub on the back to reaffirm that mistakes are made, I just want to be honest with myself - I know I'm not the only one who has made a mistake - I just have to learn from it and remember that its nothing to be wrapped in a blanket of humiliation over. We all go through tough moments in life, its just important to ensure we come out on the positive side...

Tonight though, Andy and I watched The Last Kiss, probably not such a good idea when I was feeling slightly out of sorts to begin with. I suppose because of this, it brought up a lot of old, forgotten emotions within me. It really made me angry and it got me thinking of certain unpleasant events in the long ago past. As I lay in bed my mind started whirling out of control, fretting over work, my broodiness, my family, going home, and these old, old memories. I thought my head was going to explode. But my husband was there for me tonight and he's spent the last hour and a half listening to me as I ventured into crazytown and back. But I'm back now, and feeling that little bit better.

Time to go and get some work done, leave that messed up place behind, at least for another 6-8 months :)

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

What am I missing?

I make sure they get up for school in the morning.I make lunch and dinner for them everyday (they usually help themselves at breakfast).I clean up after their meals.I wash, hang out and iron their clothes.I schedule and then drive them to their appointments, and sit waiting patiently, sometimes for over an hour. I'm in contact with the school over attendance, course work and behaviour issues. I attend parent/teacher nights.I make alternate arrangements for their care when I myself can't do it. I set boundaries.I often listen to whinging and moaning as to why they aren't allowed to do something.I make sure they have their bath/shower and are in bed at a decent hour.I help with homework.I sometimes have to hear an awful lot of back chat.I taxi them to where they need to be.I take them shopping.I buy food that they like to eat.I ensure that they get enough vegetables in their diet.I get loads of cuddles.I spend time with them talking about what is important to them, be it the certain bike part that want, or what they might want to do when they are grown.I take them to movies and other activities and often enjoy it as much as I would with a mate. I comfort them when they are upset.I have a great laugh with them.I listen.I'm always there when they need me.I love them.

Whilst in conversation regarding children and mobile phones, someone insinuated that my opinion really doesn't matter, or basically I don't know what I'm talking about, because I don't have children of my own. Her actual words were 'Your not living in the real world'.

Other than missing out on pregnancy, labour and delivery, and the initial few years of their life, I would have thought that I do the same thing any mother does. Some would reckon I do more than some mothers do.

Will somebody tell me what the difference is? And don't tell me its love because I wouldn't do what I do if love wasn't a factor.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Going Home

Yesterday, I purchased my ticket to go back home for 18 days.

For nearly four years I've lived abroad in a country I was always fascinated with, but never actually thought I'd live in. I've been embraced by the people in the town I now call home and they have certainly helped in my quest to make a new life for myself. I love my job, but more importantly, the people I work with, and for. I have such an amazing group of friends now that it actually brings a pain to my heart to know that someday, I will have to say good-bye to them as well.

I've been totally enveloped in the love of Andy's family, especially his parents. His children are another matter - I have come to love his children like my own and I know the feelings are reciprocated in full, at least with the boys. Natasha and I are slowly but surely finding our way.

In this new world, I have settled into a life that I never envisaged for myself, primarily having stepchildren, but it is a life I choose to live, not only because I love my husband and would do anything for him, but because now I could never imagine being without them. I realize that wherever I may go I will have the love and support of my husband and our family. The fact that I get to share this amazing new existence with the love of my life is astounding. Not very many people are this fortunate.

Andy always promised me that he would back me 100% in all my endeavours, and one very important wish of mine was to ensure I got to go home to Nova Scotia at least once a year. So far, he has kept that promise to me. We are lucky enough to be able to travel often and I look forward to every place that is yet to be discovered by the two of us. We've already been to quite a few countries but here is where I tell you, I never, ever get the feeling down deep inside of me that I have at this very moment, when I'm holding the ticket in my possession that will take me home.

Home to my first family, my mother and father and my precious sisters and brother. To the people who have known me my whole life, and if not that long, than for the better part of it. Home to all my oldest friends and places where I have some of my best memories. Home to breathe the fresh coastal air and walk in the places that I can only dream of doing from so far away, especially during one of my favourite seasons (autumn isn't so noticeable in this part of the world). Home to where I fell in love with the man who would end up taking me so far, but in so many variant and positive ways.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Indecisive

The great procrastinator - that's me. As they say back home - she doesn't know whether to shit or get off the pot.

As many of you are probably already aware, I have cut off my hair yet again in recent months, something that isn't hard to do considering the rate at which it grows back and which I will of course be endeavouring to do anyway. A few weeks ago just prior to leaving for Greece (I'll talk about that in a few moments), I dyed it (and a considerable amount of the carpet - don't even get me going about carpet in a bathroom...) a dark brown. Now that the shock of being dark has worn off and I don't find myself looking twice every time I pass my reflection, I've decided I want to go lighter again. Not blonde, but slightly lighter. I think I will visit the salon this time around.

Something else that has been on my mind for quite some time is the possibility of getting another tattoo. I definitely want one, but cannot decide if I want it on my foot or my inner wrist. If its on my foot it impedes me from working out for a few weeks and hence yet one more decision - where on my foot to place it something that is proving more awkward than I'd hoped. Another problem is that if I go with my wrist, I have to come up with a whole new tattoo idea because the idea for my foot is meant for my foot only. So it would seem that ultimately I will end up with three tattoos, but I'm only looking to have one done in the immediate future. If I can ever make up my mind that is. I often wonder why I was the one in my family cursed with this ridiculous affliction.

Greece was extremely hot, beautiful and very full up with two argumentative teenagers and one 11 year old. We had fun spending most mornings at the beach and our afternoons by the pool. We did a few rides which the kids adored such as the banana boat, especially when I was hanging off the side of the boat, head mostly submerged, and still managed to pull myself back upright - I can still see the shock on the guy's face who was watching us from the boat. I'm such a Zena :) We also had a day out on a pirate cruise where we all enjoyed walking the plank numerous times. The food choices at the resort weren't bad either considering we only had one buffet restaurant to choose from and the boys were willing to try a few Greek dishes which pleased us.

Surprisingly the highlight of the evenings were a huge bouncy castle and the nightly round of Bingo, which all three kids looked forward to (and won on the very last night). One disappointing factor was that throughout the whole week one or another of us was afflicted with some illness/problem such as headache, an abundance of bug bites, Tasha's even leading to a grossly swollen foot, and an ear infection that I came down with over the last few days. I do think Andy and I are both of the consensus that we won't be travelling all inclusive in Europe again and that we will keep Greece for ourselves in the future.

I am...

is always looking forward to the next good book or glass of wine. In between reading and drinking I try to maintain a fitness routine to keep physically healthy. I gave up the fight for my mental health a long time ago. Oh, and I could probably win an award for procrastination if there was one.