Multiple Streams (?) 11 or so? July 8, 2011

This could be a cohesive post, but in pondering what I want to say, I realize I might start somewhere and end up somewhere else entirely different.

Of late, I’ve become aware of the place of the Ego in my life. In the Feri trad, we don’t seek to sacrifice this part of the Self, but to pursue spiritual technologies that make this self-aspect healthier. As I start to practice my witchy work, I see that the shiny, sharp human pentacle that I am becomes more supple, resilient, and observably healthier. As a writer, I need to have a humongous and healthy ego, to be able to withstand all sorts of slights and misunderstandings.

Part of becoming a healthy ego is the need to not coddle toxic relationships. Hence, I can never work a vEmpire job again. In 12-Step terms, where an alcoholic says one drink gets you drunk, where a compulsive eater says one bite of sugar gets the calorie train rolling (or some non-Morellian variation thereof), so too can I say “I’m one abusive supervisor away from the 6-story swan dive into concrete.”

When I was younger, after graduating from my MFA program and early on in my debt-servitude when I began to get a glimmer of just what I had done to myself by signing onto this insidious lottery-form of underearning and self-esteem erosion, I was quite eager and enthusiastic for my various projects. There were some project that didn’t jazz me as much, but for the most part I really grooved to my writing. A lot has happened since then, a lot of pain that has escorted the various forms surrender has taken over the years, and it gets ever deeper. The writing element has returned, but it is not the same. Before, I lived for my writing. I may have had a miserable work life, loneliness in the relationship sector, nights of crickets sexually, etc. But at least I had my writing. I often wondered if it was a codependent relationsip. Turns out my writing vanishes when codependence starts to enter the scene.

Gone are the various codep rel’s from my life, and my writing has returned, but it feels fragile and delicate. And being the product of this ersatz economic reality we have inflicted ourselves with, I spend inordinate amounts of time telling the inner worry-wort to convert that energy into prayer already! I am a writer, and I need to do my writing work.

Blogging is a part of that, and I have been lax with this blog and the other 3 I have started. The struggle to understand what my Work is and how I can now bring money in and how to make it all work together symphonically is the question I wrestle with. I’m presently involved with something that doesn’t really suit me, though I’m giving it a superb shot. I need to start to make a certain transition and I need to find some way into teaching as one element that will feed my soul. The other day I read a natal chart for a new client, and that felt so amazing. That is also part of what I am called to do. So I need to start to attract the right clients for this astrological God as well.

My recent Dartmouth trip has underscored that I have a lot of talents, and that the codep-rel’s have been obscuring this wondrous being that I always knew I was. To be fair, some of the self-deception began at Dartmouth, when I had no idea that I had entered into a realm of subtle expectations that I had no idea held sway. Yes, I did feel a certain responsibility about being “the first” Morell to go to an Ivy. (And I do hope my niece will apply to Big D as well as the odious H–if she must!) And I did see I had to fight for some of my accomplishments, though I made them bigger than they needed to be and spent a lot of excess time writing 12 page papers when the assignment called for 6-8. (Didn’t learn that lesson till my Senior year. Dang!) I did however, feel woefully outclassed by my prep-school peers and those who were more single-pointed in their focus on success, and my ensuing alienation and self-recriminations, while absolutely unnecessary, were at least understandable.

I knew, going through my college years, that I wanted a complete life, however. And with each passing day, I see that more or less I have one, though at present it doesn’t seem like much. Yet I feel like I’m at the turn of the corner somehow. Before the turn felt like it was just ahead, now I feel I’m right there, perhaps a couple feet away.

With the stuff that has happened in the past year, I see that I am reclaiming my divine self, my child self, and my Genius. The work of alignment and Iron Pentacle does have a slow payoff, but it pays off nonetheless with the patience and the simple act of showing up every day.

I have been showing up to a daily meditation (more or less) with Vesta, goddess of the heart, and the guide for this continuing transition. I am now faced with an interesting charge, to be sure to get enough sleep. It’s strange to factor this in, but perhaps getting enough sleep will force the worry crapola away? I don’t know, but I can hope. I can put that into the Goddess-Box as it were.

Still, I need to be confident that I have all that I need, and that I can show up to take the next right action, and not need to be rescued. That I can rely on my own Godself to guide my actions and thoughts and that I am certainly capable from this place of Wholeness that I have been cultivating over the past 2 years. The fellow I was at Dartmouth, as much as I might not like who I perceive he was in the light of my present understandings, did at least pride himself on getting things done, and in purusing goals vigorously and with fervor. I now reclaim that aspect of myself and push forward into whatever is coming next.

And so, I blog today. Yesterday, I started writing the text for an e-book that I hope will serve as a contemplation of the 12 Zodiacal Signs and the times of year they cover, and the possible correspondences for a transitional collective phase they might offer individuals in terms of how to focus on vocational possibilities. I show up each day and ask my heart, the fetch Andu, the orange-blue dragon-muse Starbjoerne, and other guides (mostly Elecampane right now), to assist in lighting the path to whatever writing must out. I will probably look at the 2nd draft of Beauty All Around Me in the next 2 days, then send out a revised draft to 4-5 friends for insights and comments. And I will take a couple of other actions along the way to step toward the vision of the Shaman by the River.