Category Archives: Movies

After seeing the new batman movie The Dark Knight and it having time to sink in over the last few days, I was thinking about some of the underlying themes and plot lines within the movie. After much thought I realized that a couple of them, and batman in general, were analogous to America and world events today. Even one of the movie posters have me thinking about this. Does that scene look familiar? Take my opinion, as with all of my opinions, with many grains of salt, but I find it hard to believe the producers and directors don’t intentionally create subliminal messages or simple subtext. So, let’s begin.

One of the quick and obvious correlations between America and Batman would be the need for temporary private data collection, giving them the tools to save lives in the battle against terrorism. Batman’s cellphone SONAR program, regardless of it’s blatant intrusion on privacy, was temporarily necessary to stop the bad guy of the day. Yes, Batman may have played fast and loose with civil liberties, but he ensured it was put into place in a temporary fashion, giving someone else control to end the program immediately after it’s use was no longer needed.

Batman is also a young naive rich man with big ideals and even bigger ideas. Nice Batpod, dude! Nice space shuttle, man! America gets labeled with the, “oh, you’re like a rich teenager with a bunch of money to burn trying to tell others how to live or what to do.” I’ve been told by several people that America is looked upon world wide as a rich child incapable of making rational decisions because of its rather young existence on the world stage. Even though both Batman and America have saved everyones asses before, no one really cares now. Both Gotham and the world have very short term memories and a “what have you done for me lately” mentality. Remember, two of Batman’s greatest assets (since he has no super powers) is his youth and, well, his assets. Exuberant youth and tons and tons of cash to spend and do what is needed to win. This is also one of America’s strongest assets as well. What some feel is blind arrogance I feel is one of our most important assets — youth and money. Old and rich just gets you someone like Alfred… also known as a country like England. Wise yes, but the wherewithal to fight the good fight is just not there like it used to be back in the glory days. Keep trying to give us good advice old chap, but after that just bring us our work boots, tights, and cape please.

Batman also has certain codes, codes he tries to never break, even when it’s at a detriment to himself. He will sacrifice and put himself in harm’s way just to ensure these codes aren’t broken and civilians are protected. Nothing sounds more American than this one. We’ve bent over backwards to minimize civilian casualties and protect civilians and have lost good men in the process. Soldiers lay their lives down every day in the world in an attempt to protect the innocent. That’s what we do, protect the innocent. Do you really think oil rich next door neighbors Canada and Mexico would exist today if our “super power” was used for imperialistic purpose? Of course not, but we have a code, we have honor.

An even more glaring but not as obvious similarity was what Alfred said to Batman. And I paraphrase, “The ones doing the hard and nasty work necessary to ensure the survival of civilization is almost universally hated for taking on said task.” Not sure what the exact quote was (I will find it soon), but sitting in the movie at the time I felt the statement explained well what America is going through now. Sometimes the right thing to do makes you unpopular and unlovable, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s the right thing to do and that it still has to be done. If you’re lucky only half of the people involved will hate you for your actions. Alfred’s point was that it’s easy to be liked when you’re doing nothing and not getting your hands dirty. Some politicians want us to be liked all around the world and will pay any long term cost for such a short term gain. Anyone who has ever done anything that requires making tough decisions knows full well you’re more than likely not going to be liked for making them. But who’s going to make them? Canada? France? Germany? These countries, which I like to call Robin, are great as sidekicks but would get their asses handed to them without Batman there to bail them out. Trust me, the Jokers of the world like Hitler, Stalin, and Saddam, would love for these much loved countries of the world to be the only “super powers”. Villains love job security.

So, it’s easy. We can finally be liked again simply by going back to the days of a playboy like Bill Clinton (Bruce Wayne pre-batman), where we drop a few dollars on charity events here and there (symbolism over substance), making us feel good and loved by all, but solve and preserve nothing. Or, we can fight our enemies to protect what we hold to be true and right while being a target figuratively and quite literally. Ultimately, we’ll be hated by all who take freedom for granted and think it’s just there without anyone needing to protect it, and fight for it, and bleed for it, and even die for it. I don’t know about you, but I’m with Batman…. and America. At least until Captain America comes out.

For those of you who are big Lost fans out there (like me) that just can’t wait another 815 minutes for some quality Lost action on January 31, I present to you the Find 815 website. Once you’re on the site, be sure to register first and start from chapter one. The site will try to start you on the latest chapter, which you won’t notice until you’ve ruined some surprises in future chapters.

So far, the site is just as confusing as the show, but it has its share of easter eggs and clues if you just look for them. As an added bonus to the first 4,815,162,342 visitors, when you visit the site, J.J. Abrams personally adds a cookie to your computer that allows you to see the Cloverfield Spoiler video. Oh wait, I was just told that it only puts more money in J.J.’s checking account. Pity.

More to come this week on Lost and the upcoming Cloverfield (anagram?) theatrical release, so check back in soon.

The new Lost season begins Jan 31st and is moving to Thursday nights at 9:00pm. I’m going to need a new DVR just for Thursday nights, damn it! Some of the questions not yet answered are listed below, just in case you forgot details from last season, which ended approximately 4,815,162,342 short months ago.

Question 1: Why do I watch this show?

Question 2: No really, will you please tell me why I put myself through such things?

Question 3: Will Hurley finally lose some of that weight after being stranded on an island for so long? I mean come on, at least the Skipper on Gilligan’s Island started dropping some weight after a few seasons. Granted, in real life he was dying of AIDS at the time… I kid, I kid. It was herpes.

Question 4:Will they kill off the latest real-life DUI character Jin-Soo Kwon? When asked, the star was quoted as saying, “Whatever sugar tits” as he flipped off the camera.

Speaking of JJ Abrams, check out the latest on the Cloverfield pre-story by clicking here (password: jllovesth). Not sure if you watched the first four videos yet, but interesting stuff if you can sit through the soap opera bullshit. Watch the latest video and come back. I’ll wait. So, just do what your man says and freeze that shit girl! Well, the way it’s looking, maybe she ends up being the monster after getting infected with the substance her man sent her and she refuses to freeze. Why will it take almost a month for her to be infected? Simple — she didn’t go ape shit until her first period hit. “Look out, a giant menstruating woman who just had her boyfriend break up with her… RUN!!!!”

Great marketing scheme guys. Why didn’t someone think of doing this pre-movie storyline crap before? Oh, that’s right, no Internet. The Internet is crawling with official subplots for the coming movie. All kinds of Lost like company websites and stuff. As the story goes, it looks like a Japanese company has been out in the Atlantic searching some deep sea crevasses and uncovered the monster/animal. Or are they creating it through genetic research? Regardless, it doesn’t get to the New York shores until 1-18-08. I’m sure it was Greenpeace trying to just “save” the poor “innocent” creature or something. They shutdown the power to the containment grid (just like in Ghostbusters, right?) and BAM, here comes trouble. Yes it’s true Mr. Mayor, this man has no dick.

Wait, screw that. It’s not a giant mutated menstruating pissed off woman. I did hear that the beast attempts to run ashore in Jersey, but the smell was unbearable and she decided to move North a bit (you and eight million New Yorkers my friend).

So, here’s the story… The Japanese offshore oil drilling team searching for oil uncovered a large pocket below the sea floor. The creature lives in oil, or on oil. Prehistoric beast, millions of years old. That would explain the oil tanker getting taken out on the way into Manhattan. Wait, maybe it needs oil to survive and once the drill team depleted his cavern of his supply he decided to go find some more. Holy shit, the U.S. Strategic Petroleum Reserves in New Orleans. This monster is after our 700 million barrels of oil reserves. It just wants a place to sleep. Call in the big guns… get me Dick Cheney on line one, now!

I’m not big into documentaries, mostly because its primary goal is usually to raise money for some fringe organization more so than to raise awareness for an issue. But, Indoctrinate U looks promising just on it’s preview merits alone. I spent my college “career” almost universally disagreeing with everything that came out of my professor’s mouth that didn’t come with a mathematical proof attached to it. And sometimes even the ones with proofs were suspect. Nothing like a business law professor reducing a grade on a test due to his personal interpretation of the 2nd amendment (which does exist) and the mysterious privacy amendment (which by the way, doesn’t). But hey, at least the stripper in the class got a B, right?

Needless to say, this movie looks like my cup of tea. I support anything that puts college professors and administrators on notice as they sit in their ivory towers complaining about others sitting in their ivory towers. So, as soon as I get a hold of the DVD of this movie I’ll be sure to do a full HDW Movie Review. Until then, go to the website and sign-up and watch for a screening near you. Who knows, maybe you can get the University to sponsor an on campus viewing?

Even better than that preview is this little excerpt from the film. Good ole Columbia University. The land of diversity. This has got to be the best movie ever. I’m sure it will be up for an Oscar this year, right? Right? Riiiight!

Still not sure what this sucker is, and even with the Internets vast knowledge and accurate news reporting, I still can’t tell. Just another reason to hate J.J. Abrams my friend. If you screw up Star Trek J.J., so help me God, I will dedicate my life to tracking you down and giving you a very forceful and stern talking to.

My guess about what this creature is, besides it being the dudes from the Rampage video game (the safe bet), is that it’s just some massive sea creature living deep in the ocean beyond our scientific reach and he’s just coming up for his every 10,000 year morning shit. To his dismay, someone has built a damn city in the middle of his bathroom. Sounds about right. Do you have any idea how mad I’d be if I woke up tomorrow morning and a f**king city was built in the middle of my bathroom? And to make things worse, the Yankees played there. Exactly… pissed. the f**k. off.

I know, I know, you’ve all seen the commercial by now if you watched just five minutes of football this weekend, but I had to post the commercial anyway. It helps that The Last of the Mohicans is one of the great movies and probably the greatest soundtrack ever. Here’s both the commercial and the best two minutes of the movie. Nothing like a pissed off father chasing down his sons killer and you fully expecting a twenty minute battle to ensue once he catches him, but instead he lays f**king waste to him with a ten second beat down for the ages. Classic!!!!

As most of you HDW geeks are aware, J.J. Abrams—aka, the dude all Lost fans wish would hang out with any one of OJ Simpson’s ex-wives more—has a new movie coming out on 1-18-08, and it looks rather promising. The codename for the movie is Cloverfield and the trailer ran before the Transformers movie. For those that are too busy with loved ones, here it is.

There’s much speculation as to what the “monster” in the movie will be. Is it the American Godzilla? Is it Godzilla? Voltron maybe? A genetically altered giant Hillary Clinton monster? Just kidding ladies. Some of the more legitimate rumors have it possibly being Cthulhu, a mythical beast created 100 years ago by science fiction author H.P. Lovecraft.

Scary, huh? However, the Cthulhu theory is not true. HDW has the inside scoop on the details of the monsters in the movie. That’s right, you read that correctly, there’s more than one of them. In fact, it’s a total of three monsters terrorizing New York City in the movie.

SPOILER ALERT: If you don’t want to ruin the surprise then don’t click here, and if you do want to ruin the surprise then click here.

[Editor’s Note: You see, your High School English teacher was right about how confusing it gets in a sentence when you mix a words affirmative and negative meaning. Suckers!!!!]

And in intergalactic news, it appears someone needs to contact Han and let him know his Wookie is getting a little out of control. Why does fame always seem to go to these famous people’s (and wookies) heads? I blame the Endor weed. That drug is highly addictive and will make you do crazy things. Oh, and you can’t feel your teeth. Chewbacca’s publicist was quoted as saying that his client will enter rehab later this week.

Okay, ENOUGH! Here’s the crux of the story.

A Chewbacca impersonator sexually assaulted a Marilyn Monroe look-alike in front of the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood Sunday and then evaded arrest, police said.

He evaded arrest? Of course he did assholes, he drives the Millennium f**king Falcon, the fastest ship in the… STOP! WAIT! Damn it, I can’t do this. I would normally just go with this Star Wars theme for the rest of the post and make geeky references such as, “The only proof left at the scene of the crime was 47 pounds of brownish/red hair”, or maybe a “Witnesses at the scene said they heard Chewbacca yell out ‘Hey Monroe, wookie here and chewie on dez nuts!'” This of course, would be too easy, and beneath the highbrow humor that you’ve grown to love and expect as a HDW reader.

I do want to know why the dude posing as Chewbacca is referred to as an “impersonator” and the chick posing as Marilyn is a “look-alike.” I thought they already had a specific word for people dressed up as Star Wars characters… f**king losers! Actually, wasn’t the original Chewie technically just a dude doing an impression as well? I’m just saying.

On a side note, after searching youtube for a good Chewie impression, I’ve come to the conclusion that people really suck at Chewie impressions. Especially the British.

First off, it’s pronounced ChewBOCCA, not ChewBACKA. Don’t make us come over there and give y’all back to the Germans, damn it! Secondly, was that an impression of Chewie beating off?