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D, I didn't even know you were back in a relationship. It isn't with the same man, um, that was discussed a couple months ago? Sorry, I can't think of what the exact situation was, but you probably know what I mean.

Anyway, you may want to take a break for awhile, and just enjoy yourself. Relationships come and go (some stay). There's always time for another one. Luv,Betty

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

D, it does suck , but we move on. Stay tough. There are many other fish in the sea.

Logged

"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

thanks all. and yeah, it's the same guy from before. we somehow were on again.

anyhow, i brought up something that bothered me in a non offensive way. he didn't like the way i handled the situation, said he wasnt ready for a relationship, said i reminded him of his exes, said he was tired of the same ol shit (apparently this being my first relationship is upsetting cause he's tired of breaking newbies in) and that i overreacted.

the situation...3 weeks ago i found a highly sexualized post from him on myspace. his profile says he's a swinger (dunno), he's shirtless, says he's open for dating/relationships and he posted something to the effect of "how sweet it is, the way i fucked him".

i told him i didnt like it, reminded him of the context (shirtless, myspace, swinger, dating, etc...). he was like it was nothing. then he was acting all moody and i told him to get it off his chest. i guess it really bothered him that i was sticking up for myself (i know this reads like im a human doormat). he also tends to distance himself when any major changes are happening in his life.

so he wants to go back to being friends. he likes me and all. he wants to be there for me and yada yada yada. i dont think im asking for much. im not overly obsessive with him and i think the newbie shit is bull cause we are unequal on other levels and i havent brought that up. anyway..he may come down and visit me this week and im not sure what to do. i like him but im tired of this shit.

yes, did fall for him and yes i will take him back. but i dont want to be friends and i dont think its a good idea for him to be around and not be in a relationship. he did this shit with like 2 other guys before me and im not down for it. ill let him know when i see him again. i dont like his logic and think he needs to look out for someone other than himself.

yes, did fall for him and yes i will take him back. but i dont want to be friends and i dont think its a good idea for him to be around and not be in a relationship. he did this shit with like 2 other guys before me and im not down for it. ill let him know when i see him again. i dont like his logic and think he needs to look out for someone other than himself.

and yes philly and queen...you both told me so...

Then don't take him back a second time or I'll get Queen to use a large strap on with your doormat ass.

uggh, i just don't know. like, i totally fell for him and i dont want to bother looking for another person or going through this again.

but, if he really just wants to be friends and isnt just saying venomous shit cause he's wrong & offended then i will probably go down that path. the whole just friends things means no sex. no sex. no sex. im a horny boy and i value what we have/had.

alas, u r right. but i am lonely. and i like him, a lot. this sux.

ohhh.. Happy New Year everyone.

one last thing...since we've been dating my numbers have steadily gone up.

one last thing...since we've been dating my numbers have steadily gone up.

Are you kidding me with this???

You are giving this jerk way too much power.

He's using you and you know he's using you -- you even call yourself a doormat.

Your lonely and horny -- so this might make you put up with his shit. Think about it -- you'll take him back and then in a couple days/weeks you'll be back in here whining about how he's mistreated you again -- but you like him and your lonely and horny, so the cycle will repeat until he decides that he's done using you. Then what -- he's gone.

Good god man -- grow a couple, drop his ass and regain your self-respect. He's simply not worth it -- I don't care how good the sex is -- ain't no amount of good sex worth selling your soul for.

D start valuing yourself, he's done it before znd he'll do it again if you let. Don't let him walk all over you, your a human not a doormat, and worth far more than you seem to think.Only saying this as already been down that road and it doesn't lead to a good place trust me!

I'm sorry to hear about what happened. But I have to agree with most of the people who have posted here that you deserve better. Someone who loves you unconditionally, who is honest, and doesn't hold secrets. I don't know the gentleman you are referring to, but I have been somewhat through the same thing.

I was in a ten year relationship with a man I loved immensely. We had built a solid life together, good careers, bought a couple of wonderful houses, even moved to Hawaii to fulfill our ultimate dream. But red flags were going up 7-8 years into the relationship indicating something was going wrong. But being so busy with my career, and satisfied that we were achieving our life goals I let a lot of things slide.

My big clue was his addiction to porno, and then finding him on line all the time cam-chatting with guys from sites like GayDar, ManHunt, sites like that. I even let that slide thinking it was all rather harmless. As long as he stayed with me. Then it continually got worse. I was willing to put up with emotional abuse, cheating, and lying all because I didn't want to be out there again.....single. Finally the break up occurred through which I lost everything including our house, lawyer fees which took most of my 401K. Restraining orders were issued. It was the biggest mess of my life.

Please be careful!!!!!!!! It's tough to be single but you got a lot going for you and the right man will come to you!!!!! A great man walked into my life years later once I rebuilt my trust.

he's coming over on friday to stay the night. we had a 3 1/2 hour conversation today. he finally opened up and told me all the horrible shit his ex did to him and that he didnt have the strength for a relationship with anyone. he is not looking for sex with other people or to date other people.

he also said he would be here for me and we should just be friends. if he is open for dating in the future with anyone then maybe we should try again. until then, no sex.

he does not want to flirt/sleep nude with me/cuddle etc cause he does not want to lead me on. but he does value what we have and wants to continue only a friendship. and he does not want sex with anyone else but enjoys our sex.

i said what if i have sex with other people? he simply said "satisfy yourself" because he doesnt want me feeling like he controls me and he's been in that situation before. then he began this horrible list of the things he and his ex went through when their 10 year relationship ended (about 18 months ago).

I will date other people in the future and begin to romantically distance myself from him. thanks for your advice.

D, you've got to think about this with a clear head (the one on your shoulders). I believe he told you that sad sob story to absolve himself of any guilt he may have from the situation with you two. Isn't he the same one who you caught having sex with other people in some bathhouse, or somewhere you guys went? Think of everything he's done to you emotionally, and think about whether or not you want to go through it all again.

I believe most of us have had bad relationships with someone who treated us bad. And although it may influence how we act/react in another relationship, sooner or later we grow up, and show our true colors. He's shown you his many times.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

d, sounds like he's trying to worm his way back into things, keep strong and loving yourself. Perhaps i'm going on how an ex treated me but believe no matter what, if it's the same guy bt is talkin g about well a Leopard doesn't change it's spots, and he's not going to change either.

Really for you, be strong and love yourself. It won't be easy but take some time and distance for you,as much time as you want/need, only then will you start to see things clearer.

I will date other people in the future and begin to romantically distance myself from him. thanks for your advice.

Forget this "begin to" crap. You need to rip him off like a band-aid. One fell swoop.

don't let him come over, don't try to be just friends or fuck-buddies or whatever (I'm not quite clear what you plan is here).He is bad news and you can't seem to think clearly or put yourself first when it comes to him.

My take on this is that he's trying to slide back into your life to continue is pattern of using you (and, likely, others). Do not let him. Be done with him. Betty really has this right -- stop thinking with your smaller head and use the bigger one -- he's bad news and any contact with him can be trouble for you.

7 months back when I met my partner, I decided to delete any profile I have on any gay webpage I was on, a day later my partner did the same. one cannot work on a relationship when you have your foot in the door with websites like gaydar, manhunt etc. it creates insecurities between partners, arguments the things in life one does not need. we deleted myspace, facebook too and we have build a trust and understanding that if we want to make it work not to go to places that is an invitation to desaster.

I myself was in a very abusive relationship before ok two prior to my current bf who is negative, in life we are either victims or volunteers, victim - it only happens to you once, volunteer - you go back for the same punishment over and over, which person do you want to be a victim that experience it once or a volunteer who experience the abuse over and over.

Think about it. think of what you are prepared to sit with, with this man. Is he worth your love and energy when he hurts you again and again.

Any mature person, in a relationship, would NEVER do half the stuff this guy did. Relationships are damn hard work and requires the dedicated effort of BOTH parties. Generally people are on their best behavior, during the first months of dating and you may not always see signs of trouble brewing. You have been with this guy for a few months and when you tell him something that troubles you, and he proceeds to minimize your feelings, well it's time to show him the door.

His behavior could also be indicative of an abusive personality, but who really cares? You are a sensitive and caring man, who seeks same with a partner. This guy is not that partner. What I suggest, after you throw his sorry ass to the curb, is you explore areas involving self esteem and relationships. When you understand why you are willing to accept less than you deserve and the components of a successful relationship. you will become more effective at setting boundaries and identifying troubling aspects of any relationship.

For now, take the garbage out and breath a huge sign of relief, that he is out of your life. Nothing good will come from any form of relationship with him. He is a user and a manipulator, not the kind of person you ever need in your life.

next2u, you still aren't getting it -- well, except you get you need to break up. The man is still manipulating you, and you're still allowing it. He gave you some tired, worn out story about his abusive ex to yank on your pity strings and you just ran right to it. Honey child! Don't you have any inner strength? Fuck this entire situation, the larger concern is how did you let your personality get like this in terms of dating guys? You worry about being alone, but frankly you're not going to have relationships when you allow people to manipulate you, and you can't even pick up on the signals. Either that or you are picking up on it all but always in denial because of "alone" factor.

My recommendations are to cut every last thing off with the guy. NO CONTACT AT ALL. You're just not there, and is you don't do this he'll just keep on trying it. Yes, he's a manipulator but you're an enabler. Do you discuss all of this with a therapist ever? There are deeper issues here than just this one entanglement. So tell him you're not interested in remaining friends and that you want ZERO contact -- no phone calls, no emails, etc. And if he doesn't follow those rules you're not to even listen to his message or read his email -- just delete them immediately without opening them. If he then stalks you change all phone numbers and email addresses.

You really not to resolve yourself with the issue of being alone. In fact, I'd suggest you just force yourself to be single for an entire year. One should date because one feels a connection with someone else, not just to fill the Lonely Void. That just leads to folly, my friend. Not to mention boys can sniff out desperation on someone else at the flick of a switch and then feed on it. Either that or the good catches steer clear of the desperate ones, so either which way until you solve your loneliness issues you're going to get screwed.

okay...ill run with your advice. ill take down our pictures from my websites & home. ill let him come this friday, take back the house key, cancel our phone plan and exchange the last of our belongings.

in his defense he never asked for anything. yeah im lonely and it fucks with my self esteem. yes, i do deserve better and have no idea what this looks like. my therapist wanted me to break this off a while back. (my therapist is a 66 year old gay white man who i consider my surrogate father).

there have been problems from the get-go. i am very giving and forgiving but i stand up for myself. when i do, he gets pissed and distances himself. i care about him a lot but the relationship is not equal. i knew this from the start.

he is the guy that gave me gonorrhea in past threads (his lastest test came back neg, go figure - ive never had a same day gonorrhea test). he is not mr bathhouse - that dude lived with me and still hits me up.

being single will lead me to places i dont want to go again. ill find someone to casually date who has their shit together until im ready to be alone again. i guess ill ask dude for a moratorium and just not contact him for a number of months. maybe 3 6 12 months or something.

in his defense he never asked for anything. yeah im lonely and it fucks with my self esteem. yes, i do deserve better and have no idea what this looks like. my therapist wanted me to break this off a while back. (my therapist is a 66 year old gay white man who i consider my surrogate father).

Stop defending him -- he's using and manipulating you. Please, oh PLEASE -- listen to your surrogate father -- stop listening to this other jerk and pay attention to someone who cares about YOU and YOU alone!

i guess ill ask dude for a moratorium and just not contact him for a number of months. maybe 3 6 12 months or something. thank you again for your advice.

You've missed the point again -- you don't need a few months away from him. You simply need to stay away from him for good. He's not good for you -- go back and reread this thread and all the other threads you've started about the issues this guy has caused you. Then remember that he was able to cause these issues because you allowed it. While I don't know you personally, you sound like a sweet guy -- but you have to take care of you -- work through whatever issues make you accept "less than". Then you might actually find yourself in an equal partnership -- with a man who cares about you unconditionally.

I'd suggest you just force yourself to be single for an entire year. One should date because one feels a connection with someone else, not just to fill the Lonely Void. That just leads to folly, my friend. Not to mention boys can sniff out desperation on someone else at the flick of a switch and then feed on it. Either that or the good catches steer clear of the desperate ones, so either which way until you solve your loneliness issues you're going to get screwed.

D, I think Philly is giving you sound advice. Every excuse you make up on this man's behalf will empower him to use you as a stepping stone one more time. There is nothing wrong with being the nice fella that you are; just don't allow someone to take advantage of it.

Logged

"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

u know i have the utmost respect for you. your homie needs to date. without dating things become desperate. i love my friends and family and they have come out for me in droves. i also enjoy my time alone. afterall, i am an only child (by my mother) and live alone. i spend a lot of time alone and do not desire a 24 hour sidekick.

what i do want i have not found in the last two men ive been involved with. there is a air of desperation about me. along with that air comes my resolution, my desire to move forward, my honest straight forward nature, determination and a boldness that damns desperation. i well settle, but not for long.

i want a partner. i do not want a dependent or to be someone's dependent. ive been in both situations and they bring out the worst in me. i want to date. i like the intimacy of another person next to me (hence my handle). i have been single damn near all my life. i am not ready to move in with another person but i do want to spend the night somewhere and wake up next to someone i care about. I desire long conversations, board games, cuddling, teasing and my space.

being single for a year is not a viable option at this point. another reason why me & the dick are splitting up. Yes, he treated me wrong. Yes, I treated him wrong. No, he is not a bad person nor am I. he just wants to be friends but I already have a great circle of friends. Him and I were never friends and I will not date while he is in my life cause I will continue to hope for more. And yes, we will give in and there will be moments of weakness. This I do not want so I am taking your advice. I will stop seeing him romantically and stop spending time with him indefinitely. This may cause our friendship to terminate but it will be best.

I am looking for more. This time it did not work out. i tried very hard and am not ashamed of my efforts. the fact that i believe i did the best i could makes this easier to walk away from. When I look back all of my tís will be crossed and my Iís dotted. I will learn from the experience and move on. I appreciate everything you and all the others have said. This community has given me indispensable insight and guidance.

Philly, i seriously wished you lived closer. id love for nothing more than to have a cup of cocoa, listen to good music and have you drop a shitload of wisdom on me. Regardless of whether i take it all or not.

And yes, I still want him to come over. Yes, I contacted the man I was dating before and he is still available. Even better, 2 more men have stepped forward since Iíve opened up. No, Iím not ready yet but I do enjoy the attention but do not want anyone to be used while I fix my heart. Instead, Iíll have a good time and think of all your smiling faces and hopefully have something good to report.

don't worry about writing, I'm an only child, i like time by myself, and I've awful taste in men (see judge of character), i know exactly what your talking about. and believe me don't go back to an ex it didn't work before and it WON'T work now or in the future. ignore the guys hovering around their like users or parasites, and you don't need that. You may have to reorganise your life a little, but you have friends and family your not alone. take some time for yourself, talk to someone if you need it, but please don't Rush into ANYTHING

Geez Louise-----what do you need? For you to actually see him boning someone else!!!!!! The writing was on the wall about this guy months ago. Back then you were still drooling and putting up with his bullshit. Now you caught something he did on MySpace, it shouldn't have been a shocker and that should've been the straw that broke the camel's back. Myspace has turned into another dating/hookup site. It's rare that someone is on there to just "be friends".

At this point, I really don't even know what to tell you anymore. You want our advice on the matter, we give it to you but you DON'T listen. Then when he does something else messed up, you're back again with the poor me. I am a human doormat etc....I still see you dealing with this man in the near future, it's not over. What you need to do my friend is grow some BALLS and drop the scrub. But since I don't see you doing that, start telling to kiss you before he fucks you over. Because to me, you both is acting like you're on a reality show and you have made us here your audience.

I don't mean to come as harsh but then again I do. Because I am going through my own drama right now to have to deal with your and the scrubs mind fucks. I wish you luck, that is about all I can give!!!!

just getting out of a very toxic 6 year relationship (actually it should have been over about a year into it).... I can't even detail how bad it has been but a lot is similar to ur situation. At the risk of giving advice ---- but I have to say this because it was said to me for years ---- there can be no room (repeat no room) in your life for this person ---- not friends, loves, f**k buddies, nothing....... If you recognize all of the dysfunctions - and they haven't gotten better -- leave it alone. Believe me, that is what I am doing. It is not easy and will be a process -- but this time my process is not going to include having him involved at all in my life. What really makes it difficult is that I live in the same building as him. But that said, I will move when my lease is up --- i really don't care for the area of the city i live in anyway and this was just an interim move. I can't say enough that holding urself in the highest of value means not putting up with the least bit of abuse from ANYONE. It also means that there has to be a complete separation. Maybe down the line some type of friendship can develop w/the person, but don't even put that in your thoughts for now..... the only thing that should be in your thoughts right now is getting right with you, being good to you, enjoying not being abused or a doormat, peace, calm and let everything unfold in the most positive of ways --- believe me --- I don't know you, but I will be there for you. We both deserve better -- the best.

it is not easy. i am trying to walk away. i find myself dissatisfied more than i want to admit. i also believe i am sabotaging the relationship in different ways. i notice ive been acting out and have become more resentful toward him as well.

i have also fallen for him. he's a good guy but this is not a good time or opportunity for us. i should have listended to what he was saying. he is not ready for a relationship. he has to work on his life. i will let this go and work on mine. i know i need to let this go. and i am working on it. i come here and i read these posts for courage and strength. and also to know i am not alone. i come back for the collective wisdom of others who have been in similar situations.

i want this to work. i want this to work to a flaw. things are no longer coming along naturally and i am fighting too hard to make this work. i am too considerate, too sacrificing, and not confident enough at all times. i am scared of the future.

but i also know that having him around will not alleviate any of this. at best (if things continue to progress as they are now) it would be a cover up and not a fix. a bandaid instead of a cure. a distraction instead of a resolution.

i find myself dissatisfied more than i want to admit. i also believe i am sabotaging the relationship in different ways. i notice ive been acting out and have become more resentful toward him as well.

Well, good. It sounds like maybe you're starting to fall out of love with him. I know that is how it started for me with my (now ex) husband. When I finally found the guts to leave him, it was like a weight fell off my shoulders. I've never looked back and never regretted my actions. We remained civil for our daughter's sake and 18 years later we could almost be called friends again. I only say "almost" because the only thing we have in common these days is our daughter and to be real friends you have to have more than one thing in common. The main difference now is that it is no longer an effort to be civil and I don't mind him coming over to the house to have dinner or whatever with our daughter. But it did take years to get to that point.

I guess you can tell that I fully agree with everyone who has suggested you get this guy out of your life pronto.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

i need A LOT of lessons from you on life. as mentioned before, i would love to spend a day chatting and picking ur brain. i have family in maryland and next time im out there im def gonna make a drive to spend some time with you.

1. You are worth it, but you have to believe it2. Anyone who doesn't believe it needs to go3. Protect your happiness, sanity and health at all costs 4. Life is not for the weak - this means grow a backbone, happiness doesn't just fall in our laps, you gotta fight for it and that means be strong

WARNING: WOW INC says that violating these rules could lead to unhappiness and lack of self-esteem, and constipation

Oh, I almost forgot! Shoe shopping is a definite requirement when you get dumped. Press the labels.

Amen!!

Logged

"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."