Month: Jul 2016

Continuing the journey of self, let’s have a peek into our thoughts. More often than not we believe that our feelings/emotions and our thoughts are the same. Seldom do we differentiate between the two.

The most prevalent statement one hears is: “I feel stupid?”, but stupid is not a feeling. If so, then what is the intention of the statement. Stupid is an action that you label in your thoughts. You may experience shame or powerless or sad or lonely when you say stupid. Having clarity in your thought process will enable you to aptly place your feelings. For instance when you say stupid, you may feel shame; you accept that you feel ashamed, guilty or abandoned then check for experience making you feel so. When the connection between feelings and thoughts are distorted, we end up making unwise choices. If you are aware of only your feelings, you are missing out on the holistic experience and if you are aware of only your thoughts, you may not be able to connect with your inner feelings.

Hence, emotions and thoughts go hand in hand to complete the cycle of experience. When you are in tune with both your emotions and feelings, you will link feeling stupid to any of the above emotion and alter your statement “ I think I am lonely because…….”, or “ I think I am ashamed because………”.

In any situation, you hold the power to make a choice and dictate the terms of your thoughts. Often it is believed: how you think or feel is beyond your reach but in reality you define the reach. When an individual makes informed choices, he/she is coming from a place of empowerment. An empowered individual chooses to respond rather than react and it is gained through the channel of awareness and acceptance.

In retrospect one can say that by changing your thoughts you can alter the way you feel. This enables you to control any situation. So the next you think something is not favourable remember, you are the only one who can make it favourable.

Often we feel “if the situation was in my control, things would be different”, well now you know how to be in control and do things differently. Initially this may seem tedious but eventually it becomes a habit and responding from that place provides respite.

This is a four series blog which attempts to draw you closer to your feelings and its interactions with thoughts and behaviour. In the end a holistic approach can be established as an enabler to manage/deal with situations/life.

I feel happy: I feel sad: I feel so angry I could scream. These are the commonly expressed feelings and we attribute them to the situations/circumstances around us. WE decide the parameters that affect our feelings and are often unaware of the power we transit to these parameters! The passage of time sees the elimination of these parameters and we get distorted about them but find comfort in feelings.

This may not be making any sense at this moment but at the end of the series you will be able to distinguish between your behaviour and you feeling. This begs the question: Why are feelings so important?

There is a popular belief in counselling “healing happens in feelings”. Determining what you feel is the essence of decoding self. Feelings are like layers of onion and generally only the upper layer is peeled off/recognized! The peeling of subsequent layers is profound and one to be experienced. Better understanding is sought through this peeling for enhanced understanding of oneself. To enable a better understanding, let’s begin with a basic question: How do you feel when you are happy? Confused, surprised. Most are, but this question oils the feeling part brain. Happiness may be derived from feeling elated, feeling awesome, feeling proud, feeling surprised etc. A moment’s pause is all it takes to analyze the source of our feeling/emotions. Whenever you feel happy or sad ask yourself: “What about that situation is making me happy/sad?” most often than not you will be surprised by the reasoning. People get so caught up in stereotypes of “what you should feel?”, that they forget to get in touch with their inner feelings.

Once the journey to place your feelings begins, clarity dawns almost immediately and you find yourself on calmer waters. Digging deep into your feelings/emotions though seems like an effort initially become a habit.

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
– Friedrich Nietzsche

We wonder if love alone can conquer the complexity of two people in a relationship. With the rise in alternatives to marriage, the topic of relationships and what it takes to be in one is paramount! Marriage per se is getting revolutionized according to the generation and has hence since long changed its traditional outlook.

What is the mantra of a successful relationship?

Aren’t we all searching for one! The above question may not have a definite answer as there are two people involved in a relationship and above all there is probably no one sure shot way to ensure success in any relationship.

When there are two people involved there is: Difference in upbringing, difference in cultural set up, difference in values and beliefs, difference in priorities and many more. The amalgamation of two people is probably the most complex relationship. That being the said, how do we ensure the survival of relationships? Let’s talk about the hard reality of relationship!

Accept and agree! Accept and disagree! Not accept and agree! Somewhere in between this is reality. What do all the three terms mean? There might be many issues between couples but knowing the difference and how we respond (not react) paves the way for a relationship. Now let us closely examine the meaning of each of these terms.

Accept and agree: this is the ideal place to be for any couple, to be in sync with each other, familiar with their expectations, aware about their place in the relationship and comfortable with it. We are aware of our partner, agree with their choices and accept them without prejudices.

Accept and disagree: a comparatively less desirable place to be but most probable place for couples. A place where we accept our partners as they are but not agree with them all the time. As long as we are able to draw a distinction between ‘I and him’ we are safe. Though we disagree with the partner, we accept their decision (only for those reasons that we find is justified). This ensures that we are aware of our disagreement but have our reasons to accept our partner and hence there may not be any residual emotions when we revisit the incident/partner`s decision.

Not accept and agree: this is like a slow poison when we do not accept but agree. Cribbing, frustration, confusion etc. takes birth here. We agree without accepting giving rise to residual feelings. When we accept, we are aware. When we are aware, we make informed choices. When we make informed choices, there is less scope for tyranny. The chances of a relationship working increases as the partners are coming from a place of acceptance.

Teenage and love is inevitable to happen! The first time when they feel a jolt to their system on seeing that special ‘one’ probably lays the foundation for relationships for future.

As parents, our initial reaction to the news of our children`s first love episode is – resistance. It may be justified by parents as the news in itself would be a shocker. What initiates this reaction? Parents’ anxiety and apprehension manifests in the form of resistance. How do parents handle this unavoidable phase of a teenage life? What can parents do to empower children to sail through this confused phase with as less longing effect as possible?

It is affirmed that the first loving relationship in a teenager`s life has a lasting effect on his/her future relationships. When a teenager experiences resistance from parents in this delicate phase, he/she will be left alone without support. The feeling of loneliness multiplies when a teenager goes through heartbreak. The journey of empowering our children begins by establishing a positive and encouraging support system. Being friends with our children can come in advantage during this period. Providing a space for communication can enable a child to gain confidence in the support system. Being a silent but consistent partner in their grief can instill trust and confidence to open up. Creating an environment for the child to communicate his/her confusion, worry and sadness plays a vital role in enabling the child to heal from the break up.

How do we start practicing whatever we are preaching? Well! by taking tiny steps. Foremost, we need to validate our children`s feelings, the more we dismiss it; the more we alienate them. We may be coming from a place of experience and seniority but for a child these may confuse or sometimes make them rebellious. Trust is the only savior in these turbulent times and it needs to be nurtured from a very young age. This practice of trusting will eventually enable children to trust their parents and be more open with the parent. So trust yourself as a parent and trust the child, yet be vigilant.