Frotters

``Frotter'' is a term with which not all are familiar, although at
times it has been used widely. It refers to someone who gets some kind
of pleasure (classically, with sexual overtones) by brushing against
people, without their agreement, often to their irritation, and
generally trying to make it look accidental. I find them extremely
annoying when they do it to me... but sometimes the irritation is only
cancelled when I have had physical contact with a friend, which is
perhaps a related effect! I widen the term to cover anyone who touches
someone for the toucher's pleasure without regard to what the person
touched may feel about it (e.g older people prodding or patting you on
the arm while talking to or at you), although strictly speaking,
frottage refers to brushing against people. I've noticed some
correlation between someone frotting people and between them tending
to buttonhole people for the sake of
not not being in conversation -- presumably both may be last-ditch
attempts to ward off, or avoid acknowledging, feelings of wide
non-acceptance that can lead to loneliness.

I get sufficiently annoyed (or sometimes upset) by being frotted
that it seemed worth digging into the underlying reasons for this
annoyance. My first, rather unclear, understanding of (at least some
forms of) it was in terms of them feeling that they have a taint about
them, and are rubbing it off onto someone else thus equalizing other
people's taintedness with their own. But more recently it has seemed
clear that it is largely a matter of objecting to being used as a tool
to help someone make themselves feel good. This idea of tool-use
(also mentioned in my essay on loneliness) helps to fit it into being one
end of a spectrum that continues into doing things with friends (with
their agreement) because of feeling left out and ends at the other end
in kindly giving time to people you really can't stand because
otherwise they would feel left out.

So what can one do for or about these people? I feel uncomfortable with
deliberately letting them have their perverted pleasures. One plan with
great appeal is to hit them extremely hard, but there are legal and ethical
restraints on this. There are social restraints on pointing out loudly and
publically what they are doing (although those constraints may be against my
ethical integrity) and biblical advice is that first reproof should be
private... that sounds quite good, taking them aside and giving them a good
talking-to, which could include a warning that a repeat will bring about a
loud public warning, and further repeat will bring about physical
self-defence against what the law regards as (sexual) assault. Of course it
will please some to know that they have at least annoyed, upset or disgusted
someone, but I think I am sufficiently sharp that I can dissect underneath
their smugness provide that I don't lose my temper!