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%% The Rumpus Chronicles Part V: The Return of the Rumpus %%
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%% By: The Reflex %%
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%% An Official_Omnipotent_Incorporated_Production %%
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It was a stormy night in the most distant reaches of Suburbia in Alief.
The lightening flashed overhead, streaking across the sky to illuminate a lone
figure with spiked hair and glasses standing in an empty field. Could this be
the one that they had thought was gone from their lives forever? A single
bolt of lightening burst from the rain cloud overhead and struck our solitary
person briefly lighting up his skeleton before spiking his hair even more. He
fell face first into the mud of the field and merely issued an "UNH!" before
he passed out. The Rumpus had returned.
The next morning, the rain clouds had briefly dispersed to allow some
sunlight to shine on Alief as all of the students started off to high school
ready for a Friday of hard work (yeah, right). It was the final year of
school for many students that would soon be starting either a career or
college. They had many things to consider and plan for over the next few days
as they prepared for graduation. The last thing that they believed they would
have to worry about managed to infiltrate the student body as they pressed
into Elsik Senior High School. Rumpus wore a florescent-orange rain coat with
a hood to cover up his hair and adorned sunglasses to avoid drawing
attention to himself and being recognized. He would merely be gathering
information today to plan for his ultimate revenge. What was he doing here?
Why did he return after being gone for so many years? Who or what was he
planning revenge against? We will get to these questions soon enough, but
meanwhile...
On the north side of the campus, Jason pulled his crappy blue 1982
Mustang in his parking space. He opened the door and got his books out of the
back seat. Slamming the door and giving the car a kick for good measure he
bounced his way up to the main building running into many of his friends along
the way. Out of the corner of his eye, he barely caught his old girlfriend,
Jennifer, narrowly jumping out of the way of a big red pickup truck (with
tinted windows and white mag wheels) that purposely seemed to be aiming at
her. The truck jumped over the drainage ditch and went driving off across the
practice football field before disappearing behind the annex building. Jason
would have sworn he could hear "Oh L'Amour" playing from the truck even though
all of the windows were rolled up on it. "I wonder if that could be who I
think it was..." he quietly wondered to himself.
"Hi, Jen," Jason said as he approached Jennifer.
"Oh, hi, Jason," Jennifer replied as she was climbing down off of the
telephone pole.
"That truck looked familiar. Something tells me it going to be a weird
weekend," Jason mused, "Can I walk you to class?"
"Sure," Jennifer replied in her most natural simple-minded way.
During lunch that day, Jason noticed a short, round person wearing a
florescent-orange rain jacket with the hood pulled over his head and Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtle sunglasses in the lunch line. "I swear that guy has been
following me all day," Jason thought to himself as he sat down at his lunch
table. Rumpus was going through the line picking out food left and right. He
spent most of his time hovering over the dessert section. Rumpus walked
backwards out the end of the lunch line to avoid having to pay for his food.
He balanced both trays on one arm as he pulled a chair out from a table. He
set one tray down on the chair as he placed the other one down on the table.
All of the sudden, his Rumpus-Sense(tm) started tingling meaning there was
danger near. He turned around to see one of his targets walking past him.
Rumpus sat down and faced the other direction in a hurry. Luckily, Jeff
didn't recognize Rumpus. "That was a close one," Rumpus thought to himself.
He chowed down his lunch and sat at his table for a while just perusing the
cafeteria for everyone that was in it. "I can't believe nobody here can tell
who I am right now...maybe I'm invisible?" he asked himself. He stood up and
started walking for the stairwell when he heard a growing noise from the
cafeteria. When he turned around he saw that everybody was laughing
hysterically. He looked around to find the source of such humor, then he
realized everyone was laughing at him. He had forgotten that he set one tray
of food on his chair before he sat down in a hurry. He had a tray stuck to
his butt with spaghetti and strawberry shortcake oozing out around the edges.
"UNNNGGHH! They might recognize me!" Rumpus dashed to the stairwell knocking
over small trees in the atrium on his way. After Jason finished laughing, a
thought struck him: "Only one person could've done something that stupid, but
he's thousands of miles away and nobody's heard from him in years."
After peeling the tray from his posterior, Rumpus left the school and
headed over to West Oaks Mall to hang out. He was chased around the mall by
security when he mistook "hanging out" as meaning exposing your private parts
in public. He warped the minds of many of the children in the toy store after
he ran by with genitalia flailing in the breeze. He played some video games
reminiscing of the glory days that he would spend playing with his Commodore
64 computer. After school was out for the weekend, many of the students from
the school made their way to the mall to do the wanky things that people their
age tend to do at such social gatherings. Rumpus followed many other people
around the mall, most of it was because he had nothing better to do, but part
of it was because he was waiting for the right moment...
Chris -- once a proud 12 year-old member of the exclusive Commodore
Kingdom club that Rumpus ruled in the early days, but now just your normal
hormonally-active 18 year-old senior in high school -- was checking out the
latest CDs that were on sale in Sound Warehouse. He downed the rest of his
32-ounce Coke and tossed the CD that he was going to buy up on the counter.
"'Front 242 Does Elvis'?" asked the young salesgirl.
"Supposed to be a classic," Chris replied.
"Whatever..." the salesgirl said blandly. She rang up the sale and took
Chris' $14.99. Chris walked down the mall looking in various windows along
the way. He stopped at the pet store to look at the rabbits in the window.
He saw a short, round fellow wearing a florescent-orange raincoat and Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtle sunglasses walk past him and into the pet store. This
fellow kept looking back at Chris. "I swear that person was looking at me in
Sound Warehouse," thought Chris. He walked on. Rumpus stuck two rabbits and
a parrot in his jacket and a Guiana pig in his pants for dinner that night.
Chris was walking down the mall when he felt his bladder start to rumble.
"Uh-oh! Must've been the Coke. Damn stuff went right through me." He headed
for the mall bathrooms. This time, he didn't notice the figure in the orange
jacket follow him. He went into one of the stalls and let his pants down to
sit on the stool. He was looking at the jacket of his new CD when he noticed
the feet of someone walk over to the urinals on the other side of the
bathroom. He went back to looking at the CD. All of the sudden he heard a
loud, high-pitched, whining, vibrating sound. WHIRRRRRRRRRR! His heart sank
down into his stomach as his memory raced to figure out where he had heard
that sound before. "NO! It couldn't be...not after all of these years" He
remembered a day in the Rumpus Room many years ago when he heard the same
noise. It was during that day that Rumpus was actually revealed to be a
Rumpuser. The door to the stall was kicked open. Chris was blinded by a
bright light behind the short, round figure that was standing there. The
figure reached to his head and pulled off two straight, pointed, mousse-
hardened locks of hairs and threw them at Chris like spikes. The spikes went
through Chris' shirt at the shoulders and pinned him to the wall.
"This will teach you not to moon me in my own backyard!" the figured
said. Chris screamed as the last thing he heard before everything went black
was a ZIP! then the WHIRRRRRRRRRR!
Moments later, Rumpus made his way to the mall exit just as there were
screams and yelling coming from the men's restroom as people made the grisly
discovery. Rumpus quietly chuckled to himself. "They'll all be sorry they
ever made fun of me..." he mused. Then he threw his head back and started
laughing out loud in a long, sinister laugh. He didn't see the ambulance
rushing up to the mall entrance when it hit him. The cleaning people mistook
him for a florescent-orange garbage bag and threw him in the dumpster where he
spent many hours unconscious.
Around nine o' clock that night, the clouds started to gather together
again. They opened up on Suburbia Alief with a fierceness not seen in a long
time. Rumpus felt the rain on his face and pulled the jacket up around him as
he climbed out of the garbage dumpster. He stumbled over to his Rumpus
Scooter and rode back to his base of operations: His old house that has been
empty for several years now. He parked his scooter in the bushes just inside
the gate and went around to the backyard. He opened the big window on the
back of the house and climbed in out of the rain. Feeling somewhat tired, he
just jumped out of the window sill and onto the now-empty carpet. His heart
jumped when he heard a high-pitched voice say, "AAAAUUCK! POLLY WANT THE HELL
OUTTA HERE!" He realized the voice was coming from inside his jacket so he
pulled the parrot out. The parrot flapped its wings and tried to fly for
freedom when Rumpus grabbed it and tied a piece of twine around one of its
claws. He tied the other end to the closet doorknob.
"Every good pirate should have a parrot," Rumpus said to Polly. Rumpus
rolled up the edge of the carpet and removed a loose floorboard to reveal his
pirate flag (the "Jolly Flogger" as he used to call it) and his eye patch. He
had hidden them there when he thought he was going to be arrested for
illegally copying "Summer Games" for his Commodore 64. He put on his eye
patch and hung the flag on the wall like he used to do in his old software
pirating days. Rumpus commenced talking like a pirate ("Argh, avast ye scurvy
dogs! Prepare to boarded!") until he was thoroughly bored. He then went to
the kitchen to fix dinner. He pulled the Guiana pig out of his pants. The
Guiana pig was gasping for fresh air when Rumpus stuck it in the oven. Later,
as Rumpus was pulling Guiana pig hair out from between his teeth, he flipped
on the television that he just happened to bring with him. He tuned in to the
news.
"THIS JUST IN!" blared the anchorman, "An eighteen year-old youth
identified only as 'Chris' was found unconscious in a stall of the West Oaks
Mall men's room. He was covered with a sticky white substance; however,
police do not believe it to be a sexually motivated attack. The young man
kept mumbling something about the return of the end of humanity. He was
quickly tranquilized and taken to the hospital for severe trauma treatment.
More news at ten." --CLICK!-- Rumpus turned off the television.
Mike was getting ready to go to a party. He took a shower and did the
other things that people normally do when getting ready to go some place. As
he was getting dressed, he didn't notice a florescent-orange object streak by
his window in his back yard. He had the radio turned up really loud as the
thunder outside was almost deafening at times. Little did he realize that
prying eyes were squinting at him through the window.
Mike finished getting dressed, grabbed his car keys and headed for the
front door grabbing an umbrella along the way. He popped the umbrella open
and stepped out into the rain locking the door behind him. He was half-way to
his car when he heard a noise behind him. It started growing louder:
WHIRRRRRRRRR! He turned around just in time to see Rumpus running towards
him. Rumpus reached up and pulled a spike off his head and threw it at Mike.
The umbrella snapped in two as the razor-sharp spike pierced the handle. Mike
stared at Rumpus in horror then took off running down the street. Rumpus
pursued. After several blocks Rumpus realized his short legs were no match
for Mike's longer legs. He was falling behind. Rather than let Mike get away
and warn the others, Rumpus remembered something. He reached into his
florescent-orange camouflage raincoat and pulled out a rabbit he had
shoplifted earlier that day. When the incredible strength that Rumpus
possessed in his right arm, Rumpus lobbed the rabbit at a mind-numbing speed.
The rabbit flew through the air (with the greatest of ease...). It landed
square in the middle of Mike's back, knocking the wind out of him. He fell to
the ground from the force. The rabbit, slightly stunned, hopped off and got
washed into the sewer. Rumpus slowly walked up to Mike and turned him over.
"This will teach you for opening up the bathroom door that day and
starting all of this," Rumpus said with a sinister grin on his face. ZIP!
WHIRRRRRRRRR! Michael's scream pierced the suburban quiet only for an instant
before it was drowned out by the thundering noise from the heavens.
Jennifer jumped as the thunder broke overhead and the lightening
illuminated the living room through the skylight on the high overhead ceiling.
The electricity flickered off then back on for half a second. Jennifer was
talking to her cousin on the phone:
"I don't know, Aida, he's been bugging me all day," she was saying when
she heard a noise in the backyard. "Just a second, I heard something out
back." She put the phone down and went to the backdoor. She peeked out the
backdoor curtains, but couldn't see anything. Jennifer ran back to the phone:
"Let me call you right back." She put the receiver in the cradle and grabbed
her phone book. She was starting to get frightened since she was all alone in
the house. Her mother was out on a date and she had to cancel her plans
because of the rain. Hurriedly, she dialed several people, but nobody was
home. Reluctantly, she called Jason.
-- RING! -- -- RING! -- "Hello?"
"Jason, this is Jennifer! There's someone in my backyard...please come
over, fast!"
"Okay, I'm on my way. Stay put."
Within few minutes, Jason arrived to play the "the man is here so
everything is safe" routine. He checked out back, but could find nothing
there. He went back inside and told this to Jennifer. They sat down on the
sofa and started talking. They didn't realize that someone was watching them
through the skylight. Rumpus stood up and slowly walked down the slant of the
roof towards the front of the house for no apparent reason. He looked around
to see if anybody else was watching. Rumpus stealthily walked back up the
roof. When he reached the peak of the roof, his foot slipped on a loose
shingle. He started to lose his balance. He grabbed onto the television
antenna with the superhuman strength of his right hand and balanced himself.
Just then, a bolt of lightening flashed down and struck the antenna while
Rumpus was holding onto it.
Jason and Jennifer watched as the picture on the television went out.
"That's funny, the TV antenna is grounded. That shouldn't have happened,"
Jennifer said. As Jennifer completed her sentence, they heard a noise:
WHIRRRRR-- WHIRRR-- WHIRR-- WHIR--. It seemed to sputter out. There was a
crashing noise and glass showered down into the living room as a florescent-
orange Rumpus fell through the skylight. The smoking Rumpus landed right in
front of the sofa with a broken television antenna clutched in his hand.
Rumpus appeared to be unconscious.
"What the Hell is that?" Jason said as he got up off the sofa and bent
down by Rumpus. "No, it couldn't be...," he pondered upon closer examination,
"I didn't even think that he alive anymore. What's he doing here? Jennifer,
go call an ambulance." Jason stood up.
Before Jennifer could reach the phone, Rumpus jumped up and grabbed Jason
around the throat from behind. Rumpus jumped on Jason's back. Jason couldn't
handle the weight as he fell to the floor. As Rumpus was pounding Jason's
head into the carpet he was screaming, "And that's for mooning me in my own
backyard then taking a crap in it!"
Jennifer grabbed the lamp off the coffee table and took a swing at
Rumpus. She caught Rumpus square in the forehead with the end of the lamp.
Rumpus went flying through the air and landed against the wall half silly.
She helped Jason stand up.
"We've got to get outta here," Jason managed to get out. They started
out the door and got in Jason's car. As they were racing off, Rumpus
staggered to the doorway. He threw several spikes at them, but missed through
all of the rain. Rumpus pulled his Rumpus Scooter out of the Southwestern
Bell manhole (excuse, me..."sewer access cover" for you feminists). Rumpus
had used the underground telephone tunnels to race around in, but this one
called for surface pursuit.
Jason had punched his Mustang as fast as it would go, but there was only
so fast that an old 3.8 liter fuel-injected V6 would go. Rumpus spotted them
less than half a mile ahead. He reached down onto the side of his scooter.
He tossed the Turbo Covers off the sides. He then flipped a switch on the
dash that flashed "TURBO SYSTEM ARMED -- NITROUS OXIDE TANKS READY." With the
press of a button, the Nitrous Oxide systems fed the gas into the fuel line
and flames shot out the back.
Faster than the fastest bullet-bike, the Rumpus Scooter easily caught up
with the car by the time they reached the school. Rumpus pulled along the
side of Jason's Mustang and threw some hair at the tires. The tires exploded
and the car screeched to a stop in the middle of the intersection. Jason and
Jennifer got out of the car, but then just stood there in fear as Rumpus
circled back around and stopped the scooter just fifteen yards from them.
They trembled with dread as Rumpus got off the scooter and started towards
them.
"You made fun of me for all of those years...even after I moved across
the country you still tormented me. That's all over now..." Rumpus was
saying. ZIP! WHIRRRRRRR!
But before Rumpus could take another step, two bright halogen headlights
came up behind him with blinding speed. They came right up to Rumpus and hit
him with earth-shaking force. Rumpus flew threw the air and stuck head-first
into a telephone poll by his spiked hair. The big red truck slid sideways to
a stop. The door flew open and out stepped their saviour.
"ROB!" they both shouted in unison.
"Hi! I'd been heading out this way to pick someone up when I saw Rumpus.
I knew that he meant trouble. Quick, Jason, help me get him in the back of
the truck," Rob said. He opened up his tool box and grabbed some rope and
duct tape. They tied Rumpus up and put duct tape around his waist so that he
couldn't move; however, they only had four feet of tape left so they could
only put it a little more than half way around him.
"Okay, Jason," Rob said, "let's throw Rumpus in the back and take him for
a ride. Jennifer, you stay here and change all the flat tires on Jason's
car." They got in the truck and started speeding north out of town. Within the
hour, they arrived at Intercontinental Airport. They drove the truck through
one of the fences and headed for the fueling area. They found a plane headed
for Columbia and tossed the unconscious Rumpus onto the baggage loading
conveyor belt. Rumpus slid upwards then disappeared into the baggage
compartment of the 737 headed for Bogota.
Afterwards, they went up to the restaurant at the airport. Jennifer
arrived shortly after she had fixed the tires and drove to the airport. They
talked for a while. Right after they finished dinner and were having drinks,
they heard a noise that struck fear in their hearts. WHIRRRRRRRR! When they
turned around all they saw was a waiter with a small chainsaw trying to cut a
tough piece of turkey.
"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you," apologized the waiter.
"No problem," said Jason turning back to the table, "Anyway, all I know
is that Rumpus just came back and decided to get even with all of us."
"Kind of scary," replied Rob, "but you know how much of a Rumpus he was
anyway. I'm just glad it's over."
Jennifer started up, "Oh, by the way, Rob. I asked my friend Yvette to
meet us here...she says she knows you. There she is."
"Ulp!" was all Rob could get out as Heaven came through the doorway. She
walked up and sat down next to him.
"Isn't this the cutest face you've ever seen?" Yvette asked Jennifer and
Jason as she grabbed Rob's face.
"Ulp!" was all he could still manage to get out.
Meanwhile, some 50,000 feet above the Gulf of Mexico, there was a 737 Air
Columbia airplane flying strong. However, the pressure in the baggage
compartment dropped sharply as a long, black spike of mousse-hardened hair
pierced the outer hull.
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This has been a Tampered-With Production (c) 1990
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If you have any suggestions, comments, death threats, etc. directed towards
Omnipotent, Inc. or any of it's members, we can be reached via The Dark Side
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reflex@darkside.com
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