Sleeper Cells in South Dakota?

Attention Homeland Security: The Taliban may have sleeper cells in South Dakota!

What else could explain our neighboring state’s fanatical move to ban abortion in virtually all circumstances? The mullahs in South Dakota don’t want women to have control over their own bodies or the right to choose, even in cases of rape and incest. Under the new law, doctors who perform these procedures will face a $5,000 fine and five years in prison.

Yes, let’s all go back to the dark days and put women back in their place. Ban birth control and make motherhood mandatory. Shut down those domestic violence shelters and allow men to beat their wives in public again.

What’s next? Will South Dakota’s religious zealots require all females to wear burkas? I suppose burkas would help to ward off those pesky mosquitoes in the summer and prevent frostbite in the winter.

But seriously, I hope all Minnesotans will respond to this assault on women’s rights by boycotting South Dakota. Hit them where it hurts, in their tourism industry pocketbook.

If you’re a gambler, don’t bet in Deadwood. There are plenty of casinos right here in Minnesota that will take your hard-earned money. Try the Treasure Island resort & casino near Red Wing, featuring a large no-smoking area and scenic views of the Prairie Island nuclear power plant.

Forget Mount Rushmore ­ it’s over-rated and not as big as it looks in pictures. Steer clear of the Black Hills area, too. It’s just one big tacky tourist trap. If you want to see hills, visit beautiful southeastern Minnesota.

Cancel that exciting trip you planned to the Corn Palace in Mitchell. Pass by Wall Drug, the Reptile Gardens, and avoid Custer State Park. Do you really want to patronize a state park named after a guy who mercilessly butchered Native American men, women, and children?

If you’re a Harley rider, be sure to boycott the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally. Instead tell all your biker buddies to converge at the Long Branch saloon in Worthington, which is only an hour’s drive east of the South Dakota border on I-90. Remember, South Dakota was the state that coddled former governor Bill Janklow after he recklessly sped through a stop sign and killed a Minnesota motorcyclist.

To really put the squeeze on South Dakota, why not cut up all those South Dakota-based credit cards that are ripping you off with 22 percent APRs? Check out the return address on your credit card bills and act accordingly. Then write out a check to Planned Parenthood with all the money you’ll be saving.