A man is walking on the beach and finds a lamp. He picks it up, rubs the dirt off it and a genie appears. The genie says "I am the magic genie of the lamp. I will grant y ou 3 wishes. What do you desire?

The man says "for my first wish I want $1,000,000", and poof, the money appears. Then the man says "for my second wish I want a red convertible" and with another poof the car appears. The man thinks for a while and finally says. "I'm not sure what I want for my third wish. Can I wait a while and get back to you?" The genie agrees.

So now the man is happy, driving along in his convertible with all that money in the car. He is so happy he is singing along with the radio. Singing along with the ads."Oh I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner".

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. He asks the barman for a drink for himself and the newt. The bartender asks what the newt's name is. The man says "Tiny." The barman asks why he has called the creature Tiny and the man said "Because he's my newt..."

(Sorry).

Logged

Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit.Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[This one works best if you can tell it aloud with a decent Scottish accent]

In an Edinburgh hospital, a new doctor from London is being shown around by a Scottish doctor. At the end of his visit, he is ushered into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, who promptly proclaims:

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhinocerous? Elifino. (Try that out loud.)

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.

What's big, round, and has pointy teeth? A vicious circle.

(This one is also good in a Scottish accent!)A Scotsman is visiting the London Zoo and stops to ask a zookeeper, "What's that animal?"The zookeeper replies "That's a moose, sir, from Canada.""Hoots, they must have rats like elephants over there!"

Ooh, I've got a great knock-knock joke, but you have to go first!Friend: Okay, uh, knock knock?Me: "Who's there?"Me: *giggling through the sudden silence as my friend realizes this *was* the joke*

(And a nerd joke:) How did Little Johnny's math teacher know he came from a dysfunctional family? He failed the vertical line test. (Vertical line test = test of whether a statement is a function or not.)