10 Most Bizarre Tom Selleck-Related Items on Etsy

Recently I joined a Super Summer TV Fun Club with Pete Vonder Haar and Abby Koenig because I really can't begin to describe to you how unbelievably lame the three of us are. Seriously, the fact that we somehow got married (To other people I mean, trigamy would at least be worth a reality show) is astounding when you consider our total amount of combined cool is barely enough to turn ginger ale tepid in this heat.

Last week Pete decreed that we would watch Magnum P.I., and I actually ended up enjoying it a great deal. I was two years old when "Did You See the Sunrise" premiered, so this was really my first exposure to Tom Selleck's most famous role other than in mustache memes. I can certainly see why people are still holding onto it three decades later.

As with any new find, my first course of action is to visit Etsy and see what kind of wackalunacy the people who craft by hand offer as tribute to their chose pop God. Here's what Thomas Magnum and his private investigation shenanigans hath wrought.

I'm going to take an unpopular stance here... this whole mustache thing you Internets keep doing is stupid. Yes, a handful of men in Hollywood rock awesome mustaches, but pretty much everyone else looks like they let Stephen Gammell draw on their face while they were passed out. A handful of admittedly cool facial hair trendsetters have gained enough cult-like blind worship that folks such as David Ling sell ridiculous things like this. C'mon, guys, there's more to life than hair and bacon.

You know what really sells this tie by Nicole Krecicki? The fact that if you wear it with just the right suit coat buttoned up it will look like Tom Selleck is sneaking out of your torso to spy on the boobs of the girl you're talking to. That's not fashion, friends, that is performance art!

Help me out here, folks, because I really fail to understand the appeal of a piggy bank that's only 3" X 5" (Or even how that necessarily applies to a mostly spherical object). A quarter is almost an inch wide, how much meaningful coinage do you expect to get in this thing? Then again, if you're secreting tiny amounts of money into miniature faceless pigs sporting no eyes but only a magnificent snout and Tom Selleck-inspired mustache it's likely you have other problems I'm not qualified to know the answer to.

Cate Reynolds was taking a painting class, and was assigned the project of a copying a well-known artist's style into their own piece. She chose Kehinde Wiley, who got famous taking people he saw on the streets in urban centers and painting them posed as subjects did for the Renaissance masters. Her subject was Tom Selleck, and she portrayed him as Adam in the Garden of Eden. Your guess is as good as mine, folks.

"If you like Tom Selleck or the Danbury Mint collector plates, this one is a must have." That sentence... it's like a freakin' invocation to a dark world or a Manchurian Candidate command to shoot the president. Say you're like me and for whatever reason (Wine) you're scouting Tom Selleck stuff on Etsy and suddenly Denise says, "If you like Tom Selleck or the Danbury Mint collector plates, this one is a must have."

You like Tom Selleck, and plates are nice as far as flatwear goes, so you put in your information. When the package arrives weeks later you've forgotten all about it, but upon opening, the plate's image swirls and twists in colors unseen in the history of human existence. Next thing you know you wake up in an underground bunker with Barack Obama's blood on your sneakers and no recollection of events. Just as vague, mustache-shaped hole in your sanity and the words "Danbury Mint" carved in your arm with a heated safety pin.

This is a company that brands itself as the original hand-painted mustache pacifier producers, which implies there was a war for the legitimacy of a terrible, terrible idea. First off, the Tom Selleck mustache you think is so funny goes right over the little dip in the shield meant to allow for a slightly important activity called breathing, and second... NO! Bad hipster. Go sit in the corner.

There are four versions of this shirtless Tom Selleck picture offered by Bluemovers; natural, tan, burnt, and holy God in Heaven where are his freakin' eyes! Whose room is calling out for a picture of zombie Tom Selleck sporting a doggy-style smile to hang from the walls? If date rape could be killed and reanimated, this is exactly what it would look like.

I actually consider etched wine glasses neat. I've got a Tardis pair myself, and Tara Hamblin's work is certainly good. That's said... I can almost here a voice whispering, "Drink from my head. Drink all of me from my head. Every. Drop. From. My. Head." I can't think of anything creepier at the moment.

I like to think I'm a pretty good writer, but I'll never compose anything better than Kathryn Knight Ebbs did for her felt Magnum P.I. broach.

"Is it a Private Eye? Is it an Ice Cream?? It's both! This is what happens when you have an '80s TV hero and a chocolate covered ice cream bearing the same name, you get a mustachioed lolly investigator."

Yes, that's what you get.

Ahhhhhhhhhh! Bring back the glasses. I'm so sorry I insulted the glasses. This is a doll based on Selleck's other notable character that you've seen staring out at you from the DVD stands in the grocery store, Jesse Stone. Stone is a hard-nosed sheriff that I like to pretend is the aging, violent future of Selleck's character from Mr. Baseball. Your dad would like him.

He, nor anyone else for that matter, would want this almost two-foot tall hellish simulacrum hand-sewn (Right down to boxer shorts) by Laura Harlow, though. It looks like Toby Keith kidnapped the Brothers Quay and forced them at gunpoint while blasting his albums to "Make America a doll!" It comes with it's own tiny scotch bottle, which is ironic because the doll looks like its in the final stages of liver failure and I will literally take the smallest drop of booze to blast this thing from my brain meats. Why is this real?

Oh, and Harlow makes clowns, too. Somewhere Stephen King has the biggest horror story boner ever to press against flannel.