Is This a Date?

Earlier this year, there was an article in USA Today by Sharon Jayson about ambiguity in dating relationships titles, "Is it a date? Or hanging out?" The piece explored the ways in which people are confused these days about when and if they are actually on a date, compared to just "hanging out" together. Vox.com has posted an in-depth piece on the same subject, by Alex Abad-Santos—"How Dates Got So Complicated."

Both are great articles. While they focus on what I’d consider the earlier stages of relationships, I think ambiguity has become rampant throughout all stages of romantic involvement—except when there is a strong, clear commitment, such as in marriage.

Ambiguity reigns. But why?

I think ambiguity in dating has grown tremendously in the past couple of decades and I think this ambiguity is motivated. Ambiguity has a deep anchor in the desires and fears of individuals living in our modern age. But why would ambiguity possibly be desired when it can be so frustrating?

Glad you asked.

Ambiguity has grown because it is perceived to be safer than clarity in a world where lasting love is considered risky, unlikely, and maybe even unobtainable. People see little stability in love and commitment, whether in their parents or in other couples. This adds to the feeling that love is risky, leading to a sense that being vague can prevent painful loss.

One driver of ambiguity is that it offers emotional safety—perceived, if not real. If you are clearer to yourself and to others about what you really want most, it can hurt more when you do not get what you long for. People become more attached and committed to longings that have been acknowledged and expressed.

Don’t get me wrong: People want security in love, at least eventually. Adults benefit from security in love, and children thrive when secure in the love of their parents. This brings me to what I think is the second driver of the growth in ambiguity: attachment insecurity. I believe that there is more attachment insecurity than there used to be because there is an increase in family instability. I’ve written before about this trend and its consequences, and how family instability contributes to an ever-greater number of people with attachment issues.

My colleagues and I have also written on ambiguity and attachment. Here’s a section from a chapter by me, Galena Rhoades, and Frank Fincham (2011):

There is a robust literature demonstrating the myriad of ways in which such attachment insecurities last into adulthood and impair romantic relationship development and security (e.g., Hazan & Shaver, 1987; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). In just one potential mechanism of effect, the development of insecure-avoidant characteristics seems increasingly likely for those growing up in the U.S. This possibility alone could propel an increase in preference for ambiguity in the romantic relationships of emerging adults. If it is not totally clear when a relationship begins or how serious it really is, it may be believed that it will hurt less when it ends. Hence, those with high levels of attachment insecurity based in family history may feel comforted by ambiguity when the alternative is clarity that heightens a sense of insecurity about stability.

There are two dominant forms of attachment problems in romantic relationships—anxious attachment styles and avoidant attachment styles. Consider the allure of the ambiguous dating scene for these styles of romantic being.

Again, from Stanley, Rhoades, and Fincham:

Of course, such ambiguity may not be comforting or preferred among those who are anxious in their attachment style, but they may well learn not to rock the boat and push too hard for clarity when doing so threatens what stability of relationship they currently enjoy.

In other words, those who are anxious about attachment may be motivated to accept ambiguity. Some ambiguity is appropriate, initially, when two people are just getting to know each other. But ambiguity about whether there is even something like a date happening probably takes this too far.

Just as there is something in ambiguity for the anxiously attached, there is something for the avoidant types among us. In another paper, Galena Rhoades, Sarah Whitton, and I wrote about ambiguity and the development of commitment (2010):

In contrast to anxiously attached individuals, those who have avoidant attachment styles will resist increasing the level of commitment because of their desire to limit closeness and obligation. Their individual needs for avoidance will inhibit felt anxiety about romantic attachment and the development of commitment on the dyadic [couple] level. When these two different, insecure attachment styles are combined in one relationship, it is easy to see how the dyadic commitment processes that may provide security for one of the partners could increase anxiety for the other.

While these thoughts are focused on dynamics later in relationships, just wind this thinking back to the dating-or-hanging-out stage and you see the type of forces underlying the phenomenon.

We live in a world of anxious love, longing, and avoidance. Early on in relationships, this may be merely annoying. Over time, I believe it becomes positively dangerous. One of the greatest risks in romance is when one person invests significant emotional energy in another, only to find that there is permanent ambiguity anchored in the unwillingness or inability of the other to commit.

In other words, a lack of clarity late in the process starts with a lack of clarity early on.

If you are looking for love you have not yet found, and you want off the ambiguous path, I have some simple advice: Communicate. I don’t mean asking if this new person will spend their life with you within a week or two of meeting. But communication is a serious antidote to ambiguity—and ambiguity has serious emotional risks, for all its appearance of emotional safety. If you chase someone off by asking for a little clarity, I’d be inclined to think the odds of that relationship having had a happy and healthy future were not so great from the start.

Your advice to communicate and not accept ambiguity seems misplaced. Although it's true that an ambiguous relationship might not be as healthy as an open, affirming one. However, a person with an anxious commitment style might view the more preferable commitment style as unlikely to impossible, and so they'll accept the closest thing to the ideal they can. Formany of us, a healthy relationship is a luxury we will never attain. For some of us, even an unhealthy relationship is beyond our reach.

Thanks Jordu. I agree with you that this strategy is hardest for those with attachment issues. It would be hard to prove either way, ultimately, if a person is better off or not longer term, but sounds like we agree that there is meaning in why some people would prefer and make use of ambiguity. I think it might also be important the degree to which a person is aware of their strategy. I'd be most concerned about people who avoid clarity without recognizing they are doing that for a reason. At least someone choosing this strategy is making a decision about it.

I am in an ambiguous relationship and it's been a year since we started hanging out but he says in a lot of ways, we are already in a relationship. Like you said, communication is important and that's exactly what I've been doing; communicating and opening my heart out. However, he does have an avoidant-attachment style. He is an artist who fears that when his big chance comes, he would have to leave in a heart beat and he is trying to avoid having to feel the pain. As you have also mentioned, some people's relationship problems root from what they've seen from their divorced parents. He believes that with building a family, comes the struggle, which he does not want to go through. I am a psychology graduate and pursuing a MS with a focus on Behavior, but I have never seen such a man with so much fear of love and commitment. It truly breaks my heart, but the worst thing is, my heart breaks most for him because I feel he would never truly understand what love is.

But to say for now, this is a great example of the dilemma many are in right now. I think an aspect of all this that I did not attempt to address in my post is what the individual should do when they sense that their partner is a) less committed or b) more ambiguous about it at any rate and c) it's not likely to get better. Hang on? Cut? Run? Push and then move on? Big decisions.

-----" I think ambiguity has become rampant throughout all stages of romantic involvement except when there is a strong, clear commitment, such as in marriage. "

I find this to be an interesting statement.

I think you can be quite ambiguous and be married. Those who are avoidant-attachment marry all the time for other reasons other than romance - benefits, companionship - fill in blank here.

I am my husbands fourth wife. He hated dating and enjoys the built in companionship and the many perks that marriage provides. He started marrying at age 20 (he is now 67) and was never single for any length of time. He appears to be an avoidance-attached type - there is not much spousal intimacy, he is like a friend/roommate. Yet he was married to three different women for a total of 32 years before he and I married.

He is always willing to make a marital commitment - but will not give anything of himself intimately/emotionally after he commits.

He seems quite happy with this way of living and with this romantic pattern.

Many marriages have this dynamic as well. Marriages are just less likely (as are engagements, or any clear, mutual, public plans for a future together) because of the clarifying nature of public signals about commitment. More ambiguity and more uneven commitment will exist in relationships, that, on average, have less definition. So, the type of difference about marriage is on average, but many exceptions which you well describe one.

I think the "ambiguity trend" is due in no small part to the number of women out there who have been sold the "bill of goods" that they can have it all, all the time. Women see "ambiguity" in this dating context as a power card. To be fair, men have had the upper hand on the dating scene for many years, and this is a chance for women to even the score. This isn't to say that men don't occasionally "pal around" with the opposite sex (where would some women be without their gay male friends), but the majority of men have a physical agenda in mind when they first ask a woman out.

I also think a contributing factor to ambiguity in romantic relationships is due to the over emphasis on independence in life. There is much literature on how important and attractive being independence and to not be "needy." When a person asks for clarity in a romantic relationship, he or she is opening themselves up to rejection and being labeled "needy." It's ironic that a society putting so much emphasis on "independence" is actually creating more insecure attached people.

I think there is a lot of merit in both of these comments. It is interesting to consider how gender dynamics have switched, and how those changes impact power dynamics. Some, however, have argued that while women now have a lot more control and options, they may also have less leverage in a system where avoidance of commitment is strongly pursued. Tim Harford (economist), in The Logic of Live, has a great chapter on these types of things. In my area of study, it's widely understood that the one who is most committed in a relationship has the least power over the future of the relationship. So, by being less committed and more independent, people do acquire more of some type of power--but also less intimacy, emotional safety, and long term security along with it. As implied in the comment, more commitment and interdependence are risky. Thanks for the great comments.