A Loving Introduction to BDSM

In the child’s game, Trust Me, one person stands behind the other. The one in front falls backward, trusting the other to catch them before crashing to the floor. Trust Me contains an element of danger, the risk of not getting caught and getting hurt. The person falling places great trust in the person catching. When the falling player trusts the catcher enough to let go completely, and the catch happens as planned, both players experience a moment of exhilaration that’s difficult to duplicate any other way.

It’s About Trust

BDSM is similar. The myth is that it’s abusive and weird—whips and chains! Actually it’s about trust. When trust trumps the possibility of harm, the result can feel incredibly intimate and erotic.

There are several terms for BDSM: power-play or domination-submission (D/s) because one lover has control over the other, at least nominally; sado-masochism (SM), which involves spanking, flogging or other types of intense sensation; and bondage and discipline (BD), which involves restraint. But the current term is BDSM.

Many people consider BDSM perverted, dehumanizing, or worse. But aficionados call it the most loving, nurturing, intimate form of human contact and play. People can have sex without conversation, negotiation, or any emotional connection. But in BDSM, the players always arrange things in advance with clear, intimate communication, which creates a special erotic bond.

DeSade and Sacher-Masoch

Ancient Greek art depicts BDSM. The Kama Sutra (300 A.D,) touts erotic spanking, and European references date from the 15th century. But BDSM flowered during the 18th century, when some European brothels began specializing in restraint, flagellation and other “punishments” that “dominant” women meted out to willingly “submissive” men.

In 1791 the French Marquis de Sade (1740-1814) published the first SM novel, Justine, which included whipping, flogging, nipple clamping, and restraints. His name gave us “sadism.” DeSade was imprisoned for criminal insanity, one reason many people consider the sexual practices he popularized crazy.

In 1870, Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (1836-1895), published the novel, Venus in Furs, about male sexual submission. His name inspired “masochism.”

In 1905, Freud coined the word, “sadomasochism,” calling its enjoyment neurotic. The original Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-I, 1952) classified sexual sadism as a “deviation.” DSM-II (1968) did the same for masochism. DSM-IV (1994) lists SM as a psychiatric disorder.

Just Another Way to Play

But all available evidence shows that the vast majority of BDSM enthusiasts are mentally healthy and typical in every respect—except that they find conventional (“vanilla”) sex unfulfilling and want something more intense and intimate. Before condemning BDSM, remember that not too long ago, oral sex and homosexuality were considered “perverse.”

Two to 3 percent of American adults play with BDSM, most occasionally, some often, and a few 24/7. That’s around 5 million people. Meanwhile, around 20 percent of adults report some arousal from BDSM images or stories.

There are public BDSM clubs and private groups in every major metropolitan area and throughout rural America. Many cities have several.

Never Abusive

If you’re repulsed by BDSM, don’t play that way. But BDSM imagery pervades society. Henry Kissinger once called power “the ultimate aphrodisiac.” Kings and nations have fought to dominate others. Capitalism assumes a dog-eat-dog world where succeeding means exerting control. And in sports, players strive to “humiliate” opponents.

But what kind of person feels sexually aroused by pain? Many people who are perfectly normal in every other respect. Again, consider sports: When football players make brilliant plays, teammates often slap their butts, punch them, or slap their helmets. Recipients accept this “abuse” gratefully as a sign of appreciation and affection. Or consider a hike up a mountain. You get sunburned. Thorns scratch your legs. And by the time you reach the summit, you’re aching and exhausted. Yet you feel exhilarated.

Sadly, media BDSM has grossly distorted the pain that submissives experience. It’s more theatrical than real. When performed by ethical, nurturing dominants (“doms” or “tops, ), BDSM is never abusive.

Subs are very particular about the kinds of pain—many prefer to call it intense sensation—that bring them pleasure. “They experience the pain of bee stings or a punch in the face exactly like anyone else,” Wiseman says, “and dislike it just as much.”

“Safe” Words

BDSM is more theatrical than real. Sessions are called “scenes” and participants carefully choreograph their moves in advance.

First, participants agree on a “safe” word, a stop signal that the sub can invoke at any time. The safe word immediately stops the action—at least until the players have discussed the reason the bottom invoked it, and have mutually agree to resume. A popular safe word is “red light.”

Some terms should not be used as safe words: “stop,” “no,” or “don’t” because both tops and bottoms often enjoy having subs “beg” tops to “stop,” secure in the knowledge that they won’t.

Any top who fails to honor pre-arranged safe words violates the bottom’s trust and destroys the relationship. Tops who fail to honor safe words are ostracized from the BDSM community.

Subs Are in Charge

Although bottoms feign subservience, the irony of BDSM is that the sub is in charge. Bottoms can invoke the stop signal, and tops vow to obey immediately. Meanwhile, tops act dominant, but they must also be caring and nurturing, taking bottoms to their agreed-upon limit, but never beyond it. In this way, BDSM provides an opportunity for everyone to experiment with taking and surrendering power, while always feeling safe and cared for. People who enjoy BDSM say it results in amazing erotic intensity.

Learning the Ropes

Before experimenting with BDSM, get some instruction. Read a book, take a class, visit Web sites or clubs.

It takes extensive negotiation to arrive at mutually agreeable BDSM play. Wiseman says that before every scene, players must negotiate all aspects of it, from the players to safe words to everyone’s limits.

How to Begin

First decide if you're more into S&M or B&D. If the former, then spanking is the way many people begin. If the latter, blindfolding the sub can be fun.

What Is Intimacy?

Relationship authorities define intimacy as clear, frank, self-revealing emotional communication. But many people equate “intimacy” and “sex.” To be intimate is to be sexual and visa versa. Only it isn’t. It’s quite possible to be sexual with a person you hardly know, the “perfect stranger.”

Most couples don’t discuss their lovemaking very much, which diminishes its intimacy. But BDSM absolutely requires ongoing, detailed discussion. Players must plan every aspect of their scenes beforehand and evaluate them afterward. Many BDSM aficionados say that pre-scene discussions are as intimate, erotic, and relationship-enhancing as the scenes themselves. And couples who enjoy occasional power play but who are not exclusively into BDSM often remark that it enhances their non-BDSM “vanilla” sex because the practice they get negotiating scenes makes it easier to discuss other aspects of their sexuality. The skills required for BDSM include trust, clear communication, self-acceptance, and acceptance of the other person. Those same skills that enhance relationships and sex—no matter how you play.

When my wife and I first acted out her submissive fantasies, I was shocked --and thrilled-- at the intensity of her excitement and responses as we experimented with blindfolding her, tying her up, spanking her, and lots more. In the fifteen years since, we've continued our explorations, as an exciting supplement to our other more 'traditional' sex life.

I don't think it's a stretch to describe us as perfectly 'normal' folks, which might be interesting to some. We go to church, have a young family, have good careers and are involved in our community. But we keep what we do --and more frequently, just fantasize about as foreplay-- behind closed doors.

I couldn't agree more that it's about trust, and communication is absolutely critical. Her being able to ask for what she wanted was a real challenge... but she's bright, and found ways to help me figure out what she wanted without having to come out and ask. Since then, as we've become more comfortable, we can now talk about things we want to try, or don't.

BDSM is becoming mainstream, but mainstreaming has the disadvantage of giving the misperception that 'there's a right way.' My advice to anyone exploring this stuff is forget what anyone else says is requried or you should or shouldn't do, or is the 'right' way to do something... ultimately, it's up to you to decide what you want and tell your partner what you're excited by, what you want to explore, and what you're comfortable with, especially if you don't have a clear calling to be submissive or dominant.

All that being said, my gal and I truly enjoy the catharsis, fun, and freedom of our D/s bedroom play, and only have two regrets: first, that we don't have time in our lives to do stuff more often and more elaborately, and second, that it's not something we can really talk about with our 'vanilla' friends; while there is clearly a great and supportive community out there, we've always been concerned for our privacy and repuations, and have been hesitant to go beyond chatting with nice but anonymous folks online.

You echo what I feel as well. Thank you! My husband and I are active in our church and community and well respected. I'm sure people would look at us differently if they heard that we are "one of those kind of couples."
When we got married and began discussing bedroom activities, fantasies, etc. it was such a blessing to realize that I could TRUST him with what I really wanted, without being either judged or violated. He felt the same way as he opened up to me about his own fantasies. For me as a sub(but occasional dom), I think it is a way to step out from under the pressure of having so much responsibility and others depending on me for so much. My "plate" is always full. I am a small business owner and I am often sought out to help our church and friends.
We enjoy talking about our feelings, his and mine, and what each of us wants. In my first marriage, I never felt the freedom to do that without being judged. During sex-play, sensory feelings are positively heightened when you are tied, blindfolded and gagged, and have the knowledge that your husband knows what to do to make you feel good...and that he wants to make you feel good. That makes the experience even more enjoyable.

I was married to my first "vanilla" husband for 17 years. He was abusive at times, and sex was almost always about him. There were several times where he caused me extreme pain. I was crying uncontrollably, telling him how much it was hurting me, and his response was, "I'm almost done."
The wonderful man I am married to now has always stopped immediately whenever I have used our code word, persimmon, no matter how into it he was himself. I am more fulfilled sexually than I ever was before, and more relaxed as a whole. I believe that BDSM is very misunderstood by the general public. Maybe someday that will change...

@Martian Bachelor: While I'll agree that not everyone plays with safewords (I typically don't), there still needs to be clear, effective communication between the top and the bottom. That communication may bring up issues that need to be addressed before scene continues, or that the scene needs to stop completely...for examples: most tops don't intend to cause joint dislocation or broken bones, and if one were to occur beyond their notice, the bottom needs to bring it up so the top can address it...and medical care can be provided. Safewords are only a tool for communication, and can be replaced with other tools. People who don't play with safewords discuss which tools they're going to use prior to the scene taking place. Disrespecting safewords and disregarding the communication from the bottom can only hinder the intimacy produced in the scene. Everyone has a right to withdraw consent at any time, and once that consent is withdrawn, you either stop, or continue and go into the realm of abuse. In some relationships, that withdrawal of consent constitutes the end of the relationship, but that's another discussion entirely.

Communication is the key. Vanilla folks with vanilla sex have vanilla conversations about sex. Or no conversation at all. Learning as many of their fantasies as possible, accepting them and creating them builds a trust level others simply can't fathom.
My safe word is always the person's name. If Jennifer says, "Jennifer", then "Libertine" becomes "John" and the play stops immediately. Pain is averted, trust is maintained and the bond becomes stronger. Say "no" in Vanilla situations and everything gets worse!

"Some terms should not be used as safe words: “stop,” “no,” or “don’t” because both tops and bottoms often enjoy having subs “beg” tops to “stop,” secure in the knowledge that they won’t."

Except when they don't. "Stop", "no", and "don't" are perfectly fine for some people. There's no need to use a safeword unless you want to deliberately change the meaning of words in the context of the scene. Not everyone does this. If, for you and your partner(s), "no" retains its normal meaning during a scene, then a safeword is useless.

Advice like this really misses the point. The key is to communicate effectively. Safewords are merely one tool to facilitate communication under a specific set of circumstances.

I understand what you are saying however the artice said that BDSM is like theater, and as such how can someone be sure that "stop" actually means that or if they are acting. However, "sasquatch" is a very clear signal as it would not be said otherwise, for example at medieval reenactments actors have a phrase so that when uttered other actors may know that what is happeneing has gone beyond acting and are in actuall trouble.

Hello, I have been dating a loving man for just about a year now. Sex has been wonderful for me, but he never ejaculates and I find this disturbing. He claims he is satisfied with our sexual relationship and do's not need to ejaculate. I cant help to feel something is just not right with this. I want to share in the exhilaration of every essence of sex with him. Last night he told me he wants me to take him in fount of a crowd of people and tie him to a wooden horse bound and gaged then whip him until he ejaculates. He has mentioned that he was kidnaped when he was a young man and worked as a sex slave for three years at the whims of his owner. Many years have passed sense, He has not bin sexually satisfied unless by his own hand. I have tried many different things to get him to ejaculates, but nothing works. I have never been interested in BDSM but I am willing to do just about anything to help him ejaculate. So here is my question. How does one learn to be a dom? Where do I go to get the proper education. I don't what to hurt my lover I just want to make him feel good.

I read your comment with interest having been a childhood rape victim. I have found that my inclinations for sexual play were not an outcome of abuse, but part of who I am. My husband and I only recently began exploring this area of out intimacy, but we have been together for 27+ years in a committed loving relationship. Without more information and going on what you have shared, I would be very concerned about his psychological needs. Contrary to many myths, most of the people who participate in even the more extreme areas of BDSM are not previous victims of abuse. I don't see a healthy relationship and intimacy in your case on which to build a healthy and safe BDSM experience, but I am new and just learning. While I don't think bdsm is wrong, for either of you, I do think that entering into it with this man does not sound healthy for either of you at this point. If your true motivation is to bring him pleasure, I would suggest sexual therapy. Couples therapy with a well educated, experienced and licensed therapist would help ensure that the relationship is well grounded, rules are fair and safe, and pleasure is mutual. Our therapist always encouraged me and helped me adjust as I worked through the sexual hurdles in our marriage caused by flashbacks and memories. Entering into an act which reenacts abuse is usually not a sign of healthy healing. But I am no expert. :0)

I admire your open mindedness Artis but I suspect he has been damaged by his past. Whilst he may have exhibition fantasies bringing a crowd in is not conducive to intimacy and is most unhealthy in my view.

it is good to see some of the ways I go about explaining kink to vanillas, especially the SM side, being expressed in a psychology blog. It's reassuring :-)

If anyone is interested in 'learning the ropes', there is a lot of information on my web site on Japanese bondage. Not just photos but articles, online tutorial videos, instructional DVDs and more: http://www.esinem.com

"The person falling places great trust in the person catching. When the falling player trusts the catcher enough to let go completely, and the catch happens as planned, both players experience a moment of exhilaration that’s difficult to duplicate any other way. BDSM is similar."

The huge difference is that in the game "Trust Me", the person catching is protecting the faller from getting hurt. By contrast, in bdsm, the aim is to actually cause that hurt (whether the physical hurt of a whip, etc. or the emotional hurt of humiliation or inferior status). The bottom trusts the top not to cause more hurt than agreed to, but hurt is still caused.

"BDSM imagery pervades society. Henry Kissinger once called power “the ultimate aphrodisiac.” Kings and nations have fought to dominate others. Capitalism assumes a dog-eat-dog world where succeeding means exerting control. And in sports, players strive to “humiliate” opponents."

This is supposed to make readers pro-bdsm? If anything, this helps highlight the problems with fetishizing power and dominance. Think of all the pain caused by the desire for power and dominance... all the wars, repressive governments, abuse... Of course bdsm is consensual and thus not on the level of these atrocious crimes, but it certainly reflects similar psychological impulses that are at root of these very real tragedies. I'm sure the warmonger Henry Kissinger would also be found to be psychologically normal; normal is still somewhat sick when you're in a sick society.

" in bdsm, the aim is to actually cause that hurt (whether the physical hurt of a whip, etc. or the emotional hurt of humiliation or inferior status). The bottom trusts the top not to cause more hurt than agreed to, but hurt is still caused."

you're right of course - and those opening remarks and analogies about henry kissinger and capitalism and nations going to war - shows how little the author knows about the subject..and were frankly misplaced to be kind - or stupid, to be not.
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I have been practicing for years - safely and consensually - the jerk below who scoffs at 'safe words' is truly a jerk and perhaps a troll (or both)..it offers multiple erotic, emotional, psychological, sensual and sexual experiences unlikely to be encountered otherwise. That's the point.

Once again, sex between two people without whips and chains and torture is portrayed as boring and vanilla, and we're told that BDSM is the real kind of loving, trusting sex. Being tied up and whipped, it seems, is 'real freedom'.

Are we next going to be informed that if a woman doesn't want to be dominated, she's not a Real Woman?

This sort of thing was once recognized as slavery and degradation, now it's just cute fun.

I am a slave in an M/s relationship. Sorry to disappoint, but we have no chains or whips (we do have a few leather belts and duct tape) and boy, do we enjoy our vanilla lovemaking.

Our relationship is based on exclusive monogamy, total transparency, trust and communication. I do not enjoy humiliation or degradation and my Master would never inflict those things on me. We actually appear completely vanilla to the world and that is the way we want to appear.

I realize that with some people, BDSM is all about the "scene" (a play session which may or may not involve pain) and we do participate in some S&M, because I am a bit of masochist, but it is also something that is done to reinforce our dynamic. But mostly, we are just a couple madly in love with each other.

Hi pashasbaby.
I could hug you for your post!!! As much as I am happy to see that BDSM is being presented in more of a favorable light, it seems as if they only focus on "bedroom kink" or scenes. It totally avoids the topic of the D/s, M/s 24/7 lifestyle. I have known many who are actively invovled. As with your relationship with your Master, most couples appear vanilla to outsiders. There are subtlties that no one may see in the way the Dom or Master may communicate to His sub or slave in body language, a simple look or a gesture. Not only that, but in these relationships, thers is intense trust & communications that vanillas will never understand.

Hi pashasbaby.
I could hug you for your post!!! As much as I am happy to see that BDSM is being presented in more of a favorable light, it seems as if they only focus on "bedroom kink" or scenes. It totally avoids the topic of the D/s, M/s 24/7 lifestyle. I have known many who are actively invovled. As with your relationship with your Master, most couples appear vanilla to outsiders. There are subtlties that no one may see in the way the Dom or Master may communicate to His sub or slave in body language, a simple look or a gesture. Not only that, but in these relationships, thers is intense trust & communications that vanillas will never understand.

Hi pashasbaby.
I could hug you for your post!!! As much as I am happy to see that BDSM is being presented in more of a favorable light, it seems as if they only focus on "bedroom kink" or scenes. It totally avoids the topic of the D/s, M/s 24/7 lifestyle. I have known many who are actively invovled. As with your relationship with your Master, most couples appear vanilla to outsiders. There are subtlties that no one may see in the way the Dom or Master may communicate to His sub or slave in body language, a simple look or a gesture. Not only that, but in these relationships, thers is intense trust & communications that vanillas will never understand.

that there is someone that feels the same as I do! I'm single looking for someone to make a relatioship as both of you have and I hope to find a sub like you one day. Thank you for sharing this, I wish you both increased happiness in your future!

I fully see your point Jen. This has gone to far when people make such comments. I think they are still unconfident about their desires and have a go at ordinary people as if their way was the only way when it just isn't true. Please bdsm people be reasonable about this. Some of the stuff one reads is just crude.

@Jen Open your mind.Think outside of regular vanilla sex. I am a regular mom. My kids do sports, make good grades, we go to church and we goevery Sunday. Some kids are in college, one married and a grandchild on the way. I am 43, with a husband in a very successful career. I own my own business.We make good money. Yes we are both into BDSM. No I never feel degraded and used. Why? because we communicate all the time. I have some do and don't s. What might be a don't for me might be a green light to another. Because you don't like that kind of lifestyle doesn't mean it's slavery on me. We have vanilla sex every now and then. We have some kind of sexual interaction EVERY day. And I m not talking about a kiss at the door. We have sex more day then not. Is that bad? NO! Your husband would probably like to have some rough sex with you. Have you ever asked him what he would like? If you are a all uptight he wont tell you the truth. My husband is great at being dominate which is a huge turn on. He protects me. He stands up to me. He is the leader for me. When he gets in that mode of BDSM I melt in his arms, and THEN I get a good spanking. And if you REALLY KNOW the lifestyle, the submissive ( in my case) is the one in more control. It works for us.

Why should she open her mind and think outside vanilla sex? You assume that because you like bdsm you are further on? Normal sex is great and a lot of people don't need bdsm like you do. Really this defence of bdsm is kind of turning into a distasteful attack.

If you don't want to try it, then don't. But don't knock it until you do! ;) I never feel as radiantly beautiful as I do when my husband tightens the tie around my wrists. He is so incredibly gentle and loving with me when I give up the power to him that way. In my daily life I am very in control -- I make hundreds of decisions a day, and my career is very analytical. I run the household, too, and all the myriad decisions that go with it. Behind closed doors, when I *choose* to put that power aside, I get to escape the weight of responsibility, just for a while. My only job is to give and receive pleasure. The intensity of it is something I can't even describe in words. In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with vanilla sex. I don't like characterizing people who don't care to engage in BDSM as boring or plain. Sex can be incredibly exciting no matter how you go about it -- even holding hands can be erotic. But I just want to add my voice to say that a little bit of BDSM play mixed in with our other sexual interaction adds electricity that sparks all of it. Even our everyday nonsexual interaction is better, because of the "trust fall" we do together in the dark. It's really lovely. Don't condemn it without trying it. It's a very experiential thing -- the emotions that go with it truly don't emerge until you put yourself into the situation. Peace!

My husband and I have been together 27 years. We have wonderful vanilla sex as it seems to be referred to, but have always been open to experiment with positions, places, and such. After reading fifty shades I realized that I had a desire for more. Not necessarily full on BDSM but definitely more experimenting than we had done. Shame, fear,and a misunderstanding of BDSM made me afraid to ever voice my slightly kinky thoughts. It took me awhile, but I asked my hubbyi if he was willing to read fifty shades with me. He agreed, probably because he had heard at work that other men were really enjoying having their wives read it and he was curious. It has created an environment where both of us have opened up about our deepest darkest desires and our needs and fears more honestly and openly than ever. We are a bit nervous about the what, where, how; but we know we will incorporate some style of 'play' dates into our married life It's a nervousness of anticipation, not fear. We always said that good orgasms themselves teetered on the rim of pain and understand that while some people enjoy increased pain, we are not looking for that, but do not judge those that do. We have found out now,just discussing it added some toppings to our vanilla. :0)

I believe that this article had done a very good job of presenting an objective, informative overview of what the vast majority of the bdsm community is all about. The central theme of honest, open negotiation and mutual respect leading to much greater intimacy than that experienced in most relationships is right on! The idea that the "submissive" is really the one who had the final say is accurate and in direct contrast to the popular conceptions of bdsm relationships. This article provides a much more realistic presentation of the fundamentals of bdsm than fictions such as "50 shades". Jay Wiseman's BDSM 101 is am excellent primer for those wanting to know more, and "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns" is a good follow up for those seeking more details and specifics.

I'm an older male and have been exploring bdsm for about 7 years now with both men and women. I have a post graduate degree in Counseling and experience as a professional counselor. Since I retired I have let myself explore realms that would have put my job in jeopardy had I done so while working due to the prejudices common to the field at that time. Even since the "normalization" of bdsm by the research leading up to the DSM-5 and the diagnostic determinations made there, there is popular (and undeserved) stigma present against those who practice bdsm.

My own experiences have led me to many friendships with the most open minded and respectful people I have ever encountered, and marriage to my soulmate, who is my wife and mistress. Our communication is uninhibited and honest to a degree I have never experienced before. The relationships of the friends we have made in the local bdsm community are the same in many respects, especially in that they are based in mutual respect and trust. Openness, honesty, and acceptance of divergent perspectives are far more common than in any group or category of people I've ever encountered. Opinions, perspectives, and belief systems are rarely suppressed, which, in my opinion, is why those involved in this lifestyle are found to be less likely to have serious mental health issues than the general population. A hypothesis that is supported by the research done in editing the DSM to the conclusions stated in the DSM-5.

I've seen very little bigotry or prejudice in the community and those that exhibit those traits are not respected and find it difficult to find friends if they don't get the message that their behaviors and opinions are not acceptable. People of any sexual or gender orientation are accepted by all those I've encountered. There are a wide variety of specific types of relationships and kinks that come under the umbrella label of bdsm, but they all have the underlying theme of trust based in mutual respect. Within some universal guidelines and exclusions, the philosophy that "your kink may not be my kink, and that's OK" is a standard to which all that I know as friends subscribe. It is pretty universally recognized that every relationship is unique and the details of it are best determined by those in it. Those that disagree with this perspective, especially if they are critical or intrusive, are usually not respected themselves and find it difficult or impossible to get along with most of those in our local community.

I applaud the psychological community in general for being open minded and willing to objectively re-evaluate such potentially "hot" topics as bdsm.

Since my first comment we have attended a munch, joined a 3 million member website and learned much, including the fact that a little pain can bring a lot of pleasure for many, including myself. My daughter is a psychologist and asking her questions about the lifestyle in general (safe to do since 50) I was so happy to hear that the psych community has a much better balanced and fair view than you seem to have had in your career. Progress indeed, as changing the DSM does not always translate into changing minds. :0)

Thank you for sharing your life experience, increasing our comfort with our choice,and adding to the conversation.

I have met a lot of men claiming to be BDSM and actually are not and use BDSM as an excuse to hurt women.
I a model and songwriter who was photographed by the late Robert Mapplethorpe in poses with homosexual BDSM gay men.
I actually had sexual relationships with gay BDSM men who were completely straight with me and there was no "playing"
I am not into BDSM at all--and find my sex life very satisfying.
However, when anyone finds out that I am friends with people in BDSM they immediately try to start "working" on me.
A lot of men I meet find my personality very dominant and expect me to dominate them.
A lot of men I meet believe the hype about women as submissives and try to "work" pain and control on me into their fantasies.
My problem with heterosexuals who claim BDSM is a wonderful way to live is that they dont understand how to respect other peoples boundaries who do not want to "play" with them.
Please stop calling people who are not into BDSM as plain or vanilla.
There is nothing wrong with enjoying a painless and less complicated way of having sex with anyone.

The range of activities that fit under the umbrella label of BDSM is huge and varied, and does certainly include painless and uncomplicated ways of having sex, or not. Sex is not necessarily a component of BDSM activities. There is nothing wrong with being vanilla or having simpler desires than others, and in fact the vast majority of people in this country do. But, conversely, those who choose to spice up their relationships, in whatever way they voluntarily negotiate between themselves, have the right to do so. The people and behaviors you have described would not be tolerated in the groups we belong to. Respect of the limits and boundaries of others is not just expected within the communities we belong to, it is a necessity for them to continue to attend functions and not be "black balled" by those they are hoping to fit in with. Sure, there are people out there who try to take advantage of others against their will, both male and female, and, whether they choose to use the label of BDSM or not, that is the difference between abusers and those dealing out of mutual respect.

I feel like post of these people defending their vanilla sex lives are interpreting the word vanilla as derogatory. It is probably the least offensive way to say average or normal. Which IMO would probably cause more of an uproar. I can see it now!... you too? See!
Vanilla Ice Cream is awesome, and I am an android purest/computer geek who can't possibly use a mobile device without vanilla android. Will you read the posts from others and initiate yourself with the subject, then with your non objective contribution prove to us that we don't have to live in the closet. Just my 2 cents.

Eve, when I was 14 I was raped by a boy I was dating.
In that moment, I was degraded, hurt, humiliated and dehumanized.

I am in the BDSM lifestyle, where I know I am 100% safe and secure with my partner.
Even if he's spanking me with his hand, crop, paddle etc, if his hand is on my throat, or any myriad number of other things I won't get into at this time.

What is the biggest difference between these two? Consent! And as the article stated, communication.
If you asked any sub if they felt dehumanized, degraded or disrespected - I would doubt you would find one with an affirmative response to that question.
Ask any rape victim the se question and the response would likely be 100% affirmative.
Because consent, and explicit communication regarding wants and needs are critical to all relationships but BDSM especially.
My Dom is a wonderfully sensitive man, who is also wonderfully harsh with his hands, crop, paddle, etc. don't assume you know our lives because of what you think you see.

I fully agree with you Eve. Humiliation punishment and the like do not appear in my marriage. Nether does sex outside of marriage. BDSM is not right in itself. Everything depends. You can have immoral bdsm, cruel bdsm, perverted bdsm. Let's face it. Not that I don't have any kinks within my marriage but that is not to say that everything under the bdsm banner is good. It certainly isn't.

I am a psychology student and before reading this, I got all the distorted conception about BDSM from the media. Thanks to this article, now I got a bigger picture as of what it is all about. It's a whole new level at looking at it now. I am glad i have come to this page from google, thank you very much.

In a feminized world,men become more dominant in the bedroom and failing to being a real hero in the world. How many of these 'dominant' men are actual leaders in the society. I wonder if a real alpha male would consent to a BDSM lifestyle. The only way I can see a true dominant is with a real guy who acts as a leader in his life, but that's almost machine like, without having such an individual open up to you to his most personal sensitive side. There ought to be a balance. To be shown as a female that you are wanted only sexually and not emotionally, just feels like your being used, actually. As a toy.

I obviously can't speak to the experience of others, for myself, my partner is somewhat introverted except when it comes to our BDSM dynamic, whereas I am quite extroverted and an Alpha type. For me, I don't feel used as a toy- our dynamic is a release for me where I do NOT feel the need to be in control of the situation and I prefer him to express his Alpha side.
I believe that our society has become feminized to the point where men feel they need to walk on eggshells for fear of being persecuted for the crime of possessing a penis. If my partner/Dom feels the need to grab me by the hair mid sentence and kiss me roughly, I don't mind. In fact I love it. As women, we forget or refuse to acknowledge the we do inherently have a need to be possessed by our partner at our base. There is nothing shameful or anti-feminist about wanting to be needed by a man. To be desired at that base level. Nothing.
And at the risk of quoting that book, there's also nothing wrong with a little kinky f*ckery.

I have a similar experience, Tany. My partner is a good man, secure in his masculinity, so he doesn't play alpha games with other men. He is low-key in public life, but very dominant behind closed doors. I believe it gives him a greater sense of control after a chaotic day.

On the flip side of the coin, I am the head of household, have a job with responsibility, and a small child. I am buried in a mountain of red tape. It is a relief to be able to hand my well-being and pleasure into the hands of someone I literally trust with my life, and know that for a few hours I do not have to be in charge.

He handles the crop with more tenderness than I have ever felt from another hand.

So well put - the sentence that perfectly summed up my partner and my sex life is :

"But aficionados call it the most loving, nurturing, intimate form of human contact and play. People can have sex without conversation, negotiation, or any emotional connection. But in BDSM, the players always arrange things in advance with clear, intimate communication, which creates a special erotic bond."

My current partner is my second wife, and I cannot put into words how in love we are, or how compatible we are. I cannot think of a single person I would rather spend my time with.

While I have a colourful and extensive sexual history, she did not. She allowed her last partner to abuse her and honestly believed there was something wrong with her for not wanting sex.

The first time I slept with her she orgasmed and cried afterwards because she honestly thought she could not orgasm.

Three years on from then and she now loves to be spanked, held, choked (very lightly), tied. She LOVES Anal and loves being treated like a sex toy.

What people who don't truly understand B&D would never get is how much work has gone into teaching her to 1. Look after herself (which she did not do in her last relationship) and 2. show her she can trust me completely with her heart and body.

When we first started sleeping together the first thing I had to teach her was how to say 'No' to me. It took a while for her to understand that I had to be able to 100% trust her to never, ever, ever let me do something to her she did not enjoy and did not turn her on.

I had to explain, for example, that I did not expect head jobs, she felt that she had to give me head jobs because I went down on her every chance I got. I asked her if giving me head turned her on, and she admitted it was a huge turn off for her and she only did it because she felt 'Guilty'. I then explained that I LOVED going down on her, so there was no need for her to 'return the favour'.

3 years later and she sux like a champion! Not because she has too, but because being able to make me shudder turns her on!

A few months back we were at a dinner party where a few couples were joking about how bad there sex lives were since having kids. My gorgeous sub said nothing, but just gave me a little smile with smouldering eyes, sadly there was a 'Baby sitter emergency' and we had to leave the party early... :)

B&D has NOTHING to do with power or degradation it's about building love, trust, intimacy, honesty and communication. The earth shattering orgasms are just a bonus.

The guy is trying waay too hard and why is it that all of his analogies are stereotypically male and inapplicable anyway?
Besides - his (sole) preoccupation with 'pain' - ignores all sorts of 'sensation' play... lotions of all kinds, feathers and furs, ice cubes, wartenberg wheels, vibrators of all sorts (bzzzzzz), more... which are hardly painful indeed.

I know, this is pop-science, and as such one has little to no expectations in terms of rigorosity, but this article is especially stupid. Starting with its various unsubstantiated assumption.

For one the study of sexuality and sexual arousal, and what can elicit it, cannot be studied in isolation from its evolutionary background. Various sexual strategies across species, especially highly social species such as ours, may have very different results in terms of reproductive success. This in turn will lend itself to selection. If this is the case, considering the particular behaviour (and self-reported at that) of a particular sub-set of the population in question confers little to no reliable insight as a default.

Furthermore, the article assumes that the self-reported experience in this case it is to be “trusted” automatically. And continues by applying value judgements in regards of it. First by questioning the negative value judgment the article claims to be the dominant social norm, then continuing by painting the experience and its “depth” with superlative colours. Very bad science indeed.

The article also has little to no grounding in neuro-cognitive science. It has no consideration for the very much overlapping “magisteria” of brain functions and the consequences that arise from it. It takes no notice of the possibility that sexual strategy (and preference as such) may be inseparable from other functions of a social brain, that is, the brain that seeks to find its place on the social ladder, among the “power-play” involved, will assume various strategies that best fits its size and resources. In turn this will involve the sexual strategy one employs (unconsciously). If this is the case, then sexuality cannot be “separated” from the aggressive and manipulative social power-play at all, and the apparent difference between those that “practice” these “games” and those who do not (or more precisely claim not to) is trivial indeed. That is, their nature although existing on a spectrum will differ very little in terms of the connection between the two and the only “real” difference will be either in observable behaviour or self-reported internal narrative (a process by which we try to make sense of who we are among our often conflicting thoughts, desires and emotions).

Let’s assume that this picture I painted above is “true”, this by no means would it make it what the author proposes here. Just because there are overlapping functions and as such they can’t be separated it does not follow that they are not what they appear to be. That is, the power-play involved, irrespective of which side of the two, is very much about power, not about “trust” or any other such euphemism. One does not need to colour the picture in order to accept it as it is or try to change it in as much as possible at a societal level. These do not follow automatically, for they are moral and utilitarian considerations, not scientific.