Porn to Rule

“Back in the day governments used to call summit meetings to discuss such weighty topics as nuclear arms reduction, global poverty or industrial relations,” opines Labour backbench MP Arthur Cracker. “This government, by contrast, seems to think that pornography represents the greatest current threat to global security!” Cracker is one of a growing number of parliamentarians expressing concern at the Tory-led coalition government’s recent ‘Internet Porn Summit’, held at an undisclosed London location earlier this month. “Nobody seems clear as to exactly what it was about,” he complains. “I ask you – why would anybody need to hold a summit on online smut? It’s not as if it is an issue which needs publicity – surely everyone knows where it is and how to find it?” Indeed, rumours concerning the summit are already rife, with lurid tabloid stories of dozens of civil servants sat at banks of work stations, putting search term after search term into Google in the hope of dredging up some child pornography, in the hope of demonstrating how easy it is for the average surfer to stumble across illegal hardcore filth. Even worse are the claims of cabinet ministers swapping their favourite porn sites at the summit. “Quite frankly, the truly horrendous images this conjures up, of cabinet ministers spending hours hunched over their laptops drooling over the most disgusting smut they could find, are too disturbing to contemplate,” muses Cracker. “Really, the idea of the likes of Michael Gove and Jeremy Hunt swapping bald bondage sites or horse spanking forums is just too foul for words.”

However, the government has been quick to respond critics of the porn summit. “The summit meeting was designed to bring together major internet players such as service providers and search engines with ministers and senior officials for discussions on the best way forward in combatting the threat posed to our children by the tide of filth pouring through our internet browsers,” a spokesperson for the Culture Secretary – who organised the meeting – told The Sleaze. “Mr Cracker is quite correct – everyone does know where to find this disgusting stuff and the service providers are doing nothing to stem its flow!” It isn’t just the UK’s children who are under threat from the tidal wave of internet porn hitting the country. According to the Culture Secretary’s spokesperson, the whole economy is in danger of being undermined by online smut. “It’s no accident that Britain’s record levels of youth unemployment have coincided with the increase in internet porn,” says the spokesperson. “The fact is that this stuff is so easily available in comfort of their own bedrooms, t any time of day or night, today’s youth is spending so much time masturbating over it that they are too exhausted to look for jobs, let alone do any work!”

The spread of tablets and smartphones is making the situation worse, the spokesperson claims, allowing the porn explosion also to affect the adult workforce. “Productivity is declining across the board in the UK’s industries,” the spokesperson alleged. “Workers are being distracted by the pornography they can now view on their mobile devices – why would anyone want to do their boring job when they could be in the staff toilets jerking off over some bare breasts instead?” Consequently, the government is looking to the big internet service providers to put the brakes on this runaway train of filth. “It’s not that we’re saying that there’s anything wrong with a bit of porn, but the trouble is that, thanks to the web, it has got out of hand,” the spokesperson told us. “It’s not like the old days when, if you couldn’t afford to go to an art gallery and see a bit of erotica, you were reliant on finding porn magazines in hedgerows. Nowadays anybody can access any amount of porn, anytime! We need to start imposing some kind of pornography rationing if we’re going to get Britain working again!” Consequently, the government is proposing that internet service providers impose a limit on porn downloads for their customers and that search engines should ration visitors to one porn search a day.

Cracker remains unimpressed with the porn summit, questioning the government’s motivations for its proposed smut rationing. “Isn’t this just like their demonization of the poor and disabled so as to justify their entirely ideologically driven welfare cuts?” he casually enquires. “The country’s economic and social problems are never the result of their policies – they are always down to some scapegoat: the Euro crisis, bad weather, the last Labour government. Now the economic crisis is down to internet porn, it seems.” He also doubts their other oft-repeated reasons for restricting internet porn. “Every time there’s a high-profile sex crime, they start blaming the availability of internet porn. It’s a bit like the way they keep trying to make cheap alcohol the scapegoat for every bit of widely-reported anti-social behaviour,” he asserts. “It is patently ridiculous to claim that people can easily and inadvertently stumble across extreme pornography in the course of normal web surfing, then become sex offenders themselves as a result of being exposed to such stuff.” Ultimately, Cracker believes, the government’s porn policy is ideologically motivated. “They don’t like the fact that pornography is now freely available to the working classes,” he declares. “Those Old Etonian bastards clearly want to take us back to the ‘good old days’, when ‘erotica’ was the preserve of the rich and the poor had to do with poorly drawn sketches!”

The Labour backbencher concedes that there might be a simpler explanation for the web porn summit. “If nothing else, I suppose it gave the Culture Secretary Maria Miller, who organised and hosted the event, another excuse to stay away from her constituency,” he muses. “And who could blame her? I mean, she represents Basingstoke, which is full of horrible poor people.” Others suspect that there might be even more sinister motives behind what they perceive as the Tory Party’s dangerous obsession with internet porn, particularly internet child pornography. “Everybody knows that peadophilia is the glue binding them together,” top conspiracy theorist Jake Raddles, fresh from protesting outside the recent Bilderberg Group meeting in Watford, told The Sleaze. “The Illuminati, the evil elites who really run the world, I mean.” Raddles is convinced the summit was actually called to ensure that the flow of internet child pornography doesn’t just continue, but actually increases: “That’s what this so-called porn summit was really about – feeding the evil bastards’ insatiable thirst for child porn, thereby ensuring that ‘they’ can maintain their secret hegemony over the world!”

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Publisher, Executive Editor and Chief Writer of The Sleaze, the Doc is in the forefront of the campaign to preserve historic 1970s moustaches, and is currently the owner of a fine 1970 Alain Delon, which he wears with pride every Thursday. Before founding The Sleaze, the Doc had the singular honour of being dismissed from the Ministry of Defence's Defence Intelligence Staff following his involvement with the original 'dodgy dossier', which sparked the civil war in the former Yugoslavia. Nevertheless, he stands by his controversial assessment that there is satellite imagery clearly showing Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic enjoying a three-in-a-bed romp with Princess Margaret and Richard Branson. Following his dismissal, the Doc crossed the Atlantic to enter the film industry, where he quickly became Tawny Kitaen's pubic hair stylist. The proud possessor of the world's largest collection of pornography discovered in hedgerows, the Doc is considered one of Britain's leading experts on smut, and acted as an advisor to the BBC 4 series A Pornographic History of Britain. Now in his early middle years, Doc Sleaze lives quietly in Southern England where he is sometimes allowed to teach Government and Politics to local A-level students. He can be reached through the site's main e-mail address - just don't expect a reply.