Several well-known biologists have begun
their search for the curious
quasi-bipedal mammal, the danielian
maxiumus. It was last sighted in the foothles*
of Golden
Colorado
more than ten years ago. Scientists are seeking to save the specie.

Two of its ears can can go under water, but two others cannot. It has
two legs that reach the ground and propel the animal to walk upright,
but two other legs hang from its side, below its second head. The
second head blows carbon dioxide bubbles, the significance
of which are
yet to be understood. (Some biologists propose that the bubbles may be
the animal's crude and questionable defense against cooties. This
theory would comport with the idea that several danielians were
propelled away from their native habitat by cootie infections.) One of
the danielian heads wakes up at four in the morning, then wakes the
other head up at seven. It likes wading in ravines and slurping up
Rhondi specials.

The danielian
maximus in its restricted habitat

Unfortunately, danielian habitat has been severely restricted by mass
construction of highways and over population of chevvies, which vastly
restrict much needed parking space required by sunbathing danielians.

The tamian
nebulosa doing its oddly human "smirk"

Yet more curious are the foraging habits of the danielian maxiumus, roaming in
supermarkets for kiefir and wheat thins - which it strangely sacrifices
to whitewater rivers as if performing a religious rite. The danielian
can store up to five pounds of toasted-wheat yogurt mix for up to five
days on long excursions in search of Chinese takeout. Probably to aid
digestion, the two extra arms turn backwards and self-massage the back
of the danielian every morning during sunbathing.

Spawning wheatthins, making their long journey into
wheatfatdom

Tragically this important source of food for the danielians has been
restricted in recent years as well. Squinty-eyed chestlets of flied
lice have been giving way to ravenous hordes of flesh bled, which drool
butter drips and grow out marvelous manes - but are in no way to be
mistaken for authentic fare of the danielian
maximus. Would the danielian roam so far as to hitch onto an
Alaskan boat, cross the former Bering Straight, and descend the
Mongolian steppes to attain sinatic suppers? Kiefer is now only sold in
a few select markets, and typically in low-fat, non-delicious forms.
Wheat thins, too, have been on the decline. Most of them have gone via
whitewater ravines to greener pastures down south, where they can
mature into wheatfats and produce more diverse offspring like
triscuits, nilla wafers, and ritz crackers.

The oosian
opilio found in a wooden cave

Where has DM gone? Has it been needled to a tree branch by an irascible
and irrational rafaka? And beyond the whereabouts of the danielian
maximus, there are yet more riddles for biologists to solve. Is it
related to tamian nebulosa or
the oosian opilio? The
scientific community anxiously awaits the study's results, which will
be announced at the next Science Convention this fall.