H1

I deleted all the names in my contact list, except yours. Somehow, I cannot bring myself to do it. I know. My choice. But still…

I think of you when I saw some films that I know you like. I was tempted to go to the film festival, but then again… I changed my mind. Like always.

I wonder if you can read me. You were here even before I came. Then, you disappeared. But your profile is still there. I look at it secretly from time to time.

Foolish isn’t it? When there was the time that I could have you. Really could have you.

You were so shy when we’ve met for the first time. The memory never failed to put a smile on my face. The way you keep looking at my lips! And blushing! Funny for such a big man. You towered over me. I must look like a miniature doll next to you.

Remember the box? You delivered it to my doorstep. You rang the bell and disappeared! Hiding probably, watching me in my pajamas, searching for the unknown caller. Silly.

I tried to scare you by showing who I really am. Exaggerated even. But nothing can keep you away. Not even D.

Unlike all of them, you are true. Even online. You told me exactly who and what you are. You have given me the choice. I chose not to. Silly of me. I thought I had lost you. But I was wrong. You offered friendship. I declined that too. Stupidity I might say.

It was almost two years now. I had forgotten you for the most part. But lately, your memory comes creeping back in. Perhaps because there is nobody like you.

Accepting me totally for what I am. Never shy away from all my peculiarities and darkness. You see me as normal. That’s wonderful.

I was thinking if the bike trip you planned with your brother will take place next year. Just like you said it would. If…be careful and have fun. Remember me sometimes. If you could. would. want.

I asked you to be my best man. You said you are more suited to be my husband than anyone. But you cannot offer me what D. could. One of them is stability. You are a wanderer like me.

You declined the offer and begged me not to do that to you. I understand you cannot bear to be there.

It was ironic that I am writing about you on my blog while I never answer your calls, letters, and offline messages. I cannot say I regret.

Send my regards to your mother. I hope she’s all and well. The last letter you sent me spoke differently. Pity I didn’t reply. Another of those things I do, burning bridges while still walking on it. But that’s one of my specialties, putting up walls and burning bridges and avoiding people. Can’t help it; intimacy terrified me. It might be a curse or a blessing, I don’t know. One thing I am sure though is: my heart is still intact. Safe and sound and in its proper place.

i always do the breaking up myself, but never regret it.
with H. there is no talk of a relationship since i refused him before it comes so far. the reason for that, i will tell in part 3 of the story 🙂 thank you for reading and leaving comments.
much appreciated.

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Just a thought

THE PAINT IN CHURCHES GETS WORN AWAY QUICKER THAN IN OTHER BUILDINGS. I THINK IT’S THE FRICTION OF THE SOULS. THEY GRIND THEMSELVES AGAINST THE CEILINGS AND WALLS.

IF I COULD REACH FOR SOMETHING BRILLIANT, THAT WOULD BE THE HOME WHICH BEEN DENIED TO ME AND THE PRESENCE OF THE PEACE I'VE NEVER KNOWN...

Why I write

I write to exorcise some ghosts (there are plenty) to make peace with my past, to keep sane, to let skeletons out the closet and occasionally let them dance naked, to vent. I write because I don’t know any better.

Healology

“Growing up, I always had a soldier mentality. As a kid I wanted to be a soldier, a fighter pilot, a covert agent, professions that require a great deal of bravery and risk and putting oneself in grave danger in order to complete the mission. Even though I did not become all those things, and unless my predisposition, in its youngest years, already had me leaning towards them, the interest that was there still shaped my philosophies. To this day I honor risk and sacrifice for the good of others – my views on life and love are heavily influenced by this.”

― Criss Jami

Musing

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

“I have this strange feeling that I’m not myself anymore. It’s hard to put into words, but I guess it’s like I was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. That sort of feeling.”

- Haruki Murakami

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeoning of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

what are you afraid of?

Wanna tag along?

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The art of dancing

Kindred Spirits

Introversion

“...I also believe that introversion is my greatest strength. I have such a strong inner life that I’m never bored and only occasionally lonely. No matter what mayhem is happening around me, I know I can always turn inward.”

what i’ve been doing…

We were born to be free, to expand our horizons by going where we have never gone before, and not to hang out in the relative comfort and safety of the nest, the known. There is a place within us that is courageous beyond our human understanding; it yearns to explore beyond the boundaries of our daily life.

- Dennis Merritt Jones

Once I had started my solitude, I realized anew that it was easy for me to become accustomed to this state and that the most effortless existence for me was in fact in one in which I was not obliged to speak to anyone. My fretful attitude to life left me. Each dead day had its charm.

- Yukio Mishima

It well may be,
That we will never meet again,
In this lifetime.
So let me say before we part,
So much of me,
Is made of what I learned from you.
You’ll be with me,
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end,
I know you have re-written mine,
By being part of my life…

I'm Michelle. This is my blog. I write about women and fatness, expound upon semi-coherent thoughts I have in the middle of the night, and offer tough love to those in whom I am disappointed; they are legion.