My Surprise Baby. Planning, Or Not, For A Child #Pregnancy

Did you plan your pregnancy?

My son was unintended. I won’t say unplanned because I had always planned to have children. Always imagined being a mother. I had white picket fence aspirations where I was married to the doppelganger of George Clooney. I envisioned celebrations and joy when I found out I was expecting my first child.

Instead I felt numb, buzzing panic. What am I going to do?! The prevailing emotions I recall from those first few months are fear, confusion and being utterly overwhelmed.

Surprise!

I had been with Leo’s dad a short time. We were barely at the point of considering a mini break, let alone having a child. I was told courtesy of PCOS that conception would likely impossible. My doctor said the discomfort and sickness was likely another cyst. Pumped me full of goodness-knows-what. Visiting my mum a week later I ended up ringing my doctor in agony. Google told me it was death or rabies. Low and behold a scan in A&E showed my cyst had a heartbeat.

How did you feel?

I don’t remember much of being pregnant. I have bitter regrets that I cannot look back and feel fond memories of that time. I have pictures where I am smiling and think I was happy. Or was trying so hard I appeared to be.

My poor grandparents being traditional types were at first, in earnest, horrified and disappointed. I remember my grandad on the phone saying he did not want to talk to me. If any moment ever broke my heart it was that. But my family and friends stuck by me. Have been so generous with their love, time and ensuring little man could have everything he possibly wants in the world.

No one ever asks if you are afraid.

I would lie awake in the night thinking, who is this person and what am I going to do with him?

When my son was born I didn’t feel an all-consuming magical mummy bond. It may be mythical crap. I talked to him in my tummy, sung to him, picked beautiful outfits and folded them in neat square piles.

Health care providers can miss opportunities to learn more about the pregnant woman’s feelings about her pregnancy.

Looking back I know I was overwhelmed, I don’t think I quite realised I was having a baby till they put him in my arms and he had my scrunched up pout. Well that was ten minutes after he was born, when they first tried to hand him to me I hid in my hands and politely said, no thank you. I was in utter shock.

Ten minutes later I could not take my eyes off his little face.

Single Parenthood?

I remember feeling surprise at the critical undertone of society’s attitude towards single women…even in 2011 when public stoning’s should be a thing of the past. Leo’s dad and I separated months after he was born.

At baby groups I would dread the question, ‘so where’s daddy today?’ Then the awkward pause and swift change of subject. I was met with well-meant comments such as, ‘we are so sad it happened for you in this way’, so I became sad. People tenderly told me how they ‘wanted better for me.’ So I thought I wanted better to, but who knows what would have been better.

Why I am grateful.

I have anxiously and proudly watched a dear friend drag herself bravely, exhaustingly through pregnancy with hyperemesis. Others have gone through complex conceptions involved charting cycles, planning for a baby mixed with excitement and restless concern. I missed out on that strain, the pressure of trying and waiting.

I am eternally grateful I do not have to worry about what life without a child would look like.

Pregnancy is deeply personal, it’s natural to feel any number of emotions at any time, don’t feel guilty if it’s not all sunshine and rainbows.

Today I have a beautiful, obstinate blue eyed terror, having dragged myself though an honestly hard time of parenting. I would not go back and change a thing. I feel like I survived a trek up Everest. Got bruised and battered on the way up but I can now sit and have a glass of bourbon in the sun.

I cannot yet shake the first time residual hardships to want to have another child, maybe someday I will feel safe with the idea. I will throw something large and heavy at you if you ask me when Leo will be getting a sibling. LARGE AND HEAVY.

How did you find out you were pregnant, were your children planned or unplanned?

44 comments

I admire your honesty in this post. I am a fellow PCOS sufferer and I’m at the other end of the spectrum – we tried for a baby for a while before things happened and I was so scared it never would happen. Now I’m watching my 5 month old asleep on the baby monitor and so grateful. As a midwife myself, I see women having such different experiences of pregnancy and it’s important to remember that not everyone is happy to be pregnant. Never assume anything is how I work it! Thanks for sharing your story.

I love the phrase unintended… I always say Archie was unplanned but definitely prefer this! Well done for being so honest & then brave in sharing. I get asked all the time when I’m having another but I think my unintended pregnancy has definitely made me more wary of doing it again, so good to hear you feel the same. Great post Xx

Sending lots of love and respect. I found it hard enough & me & my fella had been together 8 years. Single parenting is extra tough (I was raised by one) so big pat on the back for you. Your little guy is gorgeous!x

This is so honest! My little boy was, ‘unintended’ and me and my boyfriend at the time (husband now) cried when we found out – I wouldn’t say they were completely happy tears and I hate it everyday! The first few months of pregnancy was hardly even spoken about!
Everything happens for a reason though!

It does indeed and I think it gives us strength even though you regret now having the simple perfect happiness other people do in the end we have our amazing children who will never know how we cried..or swore..and just know we love them xx

Parenting seems to be such a difficult thing, something that we all struggle with and fight battles around and through each day. I’m in awe at all single parents, all parents who share custody, you’re inspirational. Well done on writing such an honest post. Thanks for sharing on #KCACOLS and hope you can link again on Sunday x

I really enjoyed this post lovely – it is actually the first time to your lovely blog. Both my girls were surprises – the very best surprises!! Parenthood is so tough and I have so much respect for those who do it alone. You are amazing!!#kcacols

This is so similar to how I fell pregnant, I like to think of it as intended too, although it was a shock to be honest and we had so much to sort out in 8 months haha. Well done writing it because it’s something that’s not often talked about. I love how honest your posts are and you can really see how devoted you are to Leo in every post I’ve read so far. #triballove #KCACOLS

Love this, refreshingly honest! I like the notion of an unintended pregnancy rather than unplanned, it sounds much nicer! (I have no two ways around it, mine was definitely unplanned!). Great post #KCACOLS

That is one of the best comments I have received as I always worry that when I write serious posts they just depress people, which isn’t the intent. That the post made you hopeful makes me very happy x

Such an honest and touching post, you are right pregnancy is painted to be this magical time and it’s tough-going for the most part, it’s posts like this that remind us all we’re not alone in our thoughts or experiences. I hate that anyone would make you feel bad or less than, what is wrong with people?! Well done on everything and your pouting baby is the cutest image ever-time sure flies by huh (I can’t believe I now have a 6 year old)! The Everest analogy is perfect, parenting is like mountain climbing, bloody tough with dizzying views for some of the journey xxx

Haha I think you made my analogy sound much more poetic, I like the dizzying views. Thank you for such a kind comment, I think when I first had little man I was surrounded by so many negative voices that it does drag you down and as a new first time mummy I was a little lost. I think if I had the blogger community then and the strength and positivity of other mummy’s that said its ok, that its hard and perfection is achievable I would have been much happier! Six! bless, I love seeing them turn into little boys from toddlers, the pictures of your LO’s are gorgeous 🙂 xx

Ah I say it can’t be easy with those questions. I don’t understand why people ask these things & assume things. I guess it’s making conversation but it’s just not a good idea. Thanks so much for linking up with us at #bloggerclubuk x

Thank you for such a lovely comment. I think families have become so diverse in their make up there is not so much a ‘usual, normal’ thing now. I just hope my little lad grows up happy and knowing he is loved whatever 🙂 xx

Well, I love that you shared you journey into motherhood with us. It’s an amazing honest post and really well written. I can only imagine how hard it must be to parent on your own. You have all my respect and I think you are amazing x

You write so beautifully…this is a lovely post. So interesting to read people’s reactions and how perceptive of you to see the impact of those on your feelings. You also make the brilliant point that no matter what our situations and however easy or hard other people, or yourself, perceive your situation to be…there can complicated emotions and just ‘stuff’ going on for everyone. You’re awesome, stay awesome…drinking your bourbon at the top of Everest with your gorgeous boy (well you drinking it, not him. Yet) x

Haha room on Everest for you too lovely! Thank you so much, I am so respectful of any mummy..or daddy for that matter, I used to get envious of people when they planned children and it seemed easy and amazing and then I realised that is ridiculous as I am overjoyed for their happiness and nothing is as simple as it may appear so we just need to support one another. 🙂 xx

That’s just lovely that you came through it. It’s a lovely honest post. Your son is a credit to you! It’s all your doing. So happy you’ve shared this with us. I remember being handed my son and being in awe, and then suddenly thinking, well what now!? It’s amazing that we figure it out in the end!! X

This is crazily like my story – I too have PCOS and fell pregnant by a miracle! So much of what you described I can relate to, I love your honesty and the love for your son and your journey shines through. Great post lovely xx

Thank you 🙂 Suprise kiddywinks. I think It would have been easier if I hadnt built up an ‘ideal’ situation in my head, life isnt like that, its hard, but that doesnt mean things cant be amazing too. I hope I have half your strength with all that you manage xx

That’s a lovely post I am glad you hit publish, I really enjoyed reading it. You are fab job and have my utmost respect for doing what is, in my opinion, one of the hardest jobs out there on your own. Brilliant post xxx

I love the honesty and the reality of the situation. People have such different paths to getting a child and many are not straight forward. This is a path which is not well highlighted or addressed but is much more common than maybe we are led to believe. Well done xx

It’s A Jungle Out There

I'm Jade. She who quips and blathers. (I also answer to 'MUM' screamed at an inaudible pitch). An award winning family & lifestyle blogger. Finding my feet as an imperfect #Lionessmama. The technicolour adventures of Leo & Norah.
For enquiries contact Jade@TheParentingJungle.com