If you know an LGBTQ person who is feeling alone and needs some love and encouragement please consider telling them about “Serendipitydodah Mama Bears to the Rescue”

Serendipitydodah Mama Bears to the Rescue is a private Facebook group made up exclusively of moms of LGBTQ kids who love, support and affirm their own LGBTQ kids and want to love and support other LGBTQ people who don’t have that kind of support and affirmation in their life.

The focus is small acts of kindness, making personal connections and being a loving presence in the life of LGBTQ people who have lost support due to their LGBTQ status.

The members of Mama Bears to the Rescue do things such as include LGBTQ people who need support in their holiday gatherings, stand in as affirming moms at same sex weddings, send notes of encouragement, find helpful resources, talk on the phone, text, get together for coffee or lunch etc

If you know someone who is an LGBTQ person who could use some Mama Bear love and encouragement please click on the following link and fill out the form:

Members of the group are available to connect with lgbtq people in their local area who need some support, connection or care.

The group is a place where these moms can connect with each other in order to plan and coordinate small acts of kindness such as being a stand-in affirming mom at a wedding, visiting someone in the hospital, helping someone get settled in a new area, providing some transportation, including someone in their holiday gatherings, sending a note of encouragement etc.

The most important thing the members of Mama Bears to the Rescue want to do is be a loving and supportive presence in the life of lgbtq people who have lost the support of their family due to their lgbtq status.

If you know of an lgbtq person who could use some Mama Bear love please email lizdyer55@gmail.com

Serendipitydodah Mama Bears to the Rescue is a subgroup for Serendipitydodah for Moms. The members of the group are available to do small acts of kindness for lgbtq people in their local community who may need connection, care or assistance.

I’m Vanessa, a 41 year old single mom of one amazing transgender son, age 9.

My Dylan, was assigned female at birth, but it wasn’t long before we noticed a rejection of everything female. Around age 2, he gravitated towards boy toys, clothes, TV shows, willfully demanding to remove his dress or hair bows.

As we followed his lead for the next few years, we assumed this to be a phase, or maybe that “she” was the proverbial tomboy. It was definitely on my radar, the possibility that he was transgender, but something I also pushed away, far out of my mind, denying that a child could know themselves well enough to realize such a thing. I was supportive of the gender fluidity of his person, yet consciously avoided researching if young children needed something more when they presented such an obvious rejection of their assigned gender.

I was scared. I was fully aware of the discrimination and difficult path this would mean for my child. And no parent wants their child’s life to be more difficult than it is a straight, cis-gender (non trans) person. So, denial suited me.

By age 5, he had consistently and persistently imaginary played as the male role, drew himself in art as male, and insisted on boy’s clothing from head to toe.

By 6, he was verbalizing that he “felt like a boy” in his “heart and mind”, even had tried on several boy’s names.

I kept an open dialogue with him, voicing my support if he was ready to make that kind of change, but he would tell me, “No, mama. I’m fine being a girl. It’s ok”.

Until it wasn’t.

By age 8, he was self-harming and isolating himself at school. He was unsure of where he fit in and was carrying around so much shame because of how he was feeling, which ultimately, and quickly, led us to his social transition.
He began using his preferred name and male pronouns at home, then with family and friends, and eventually came out at school.

A new child emerged. One I didn’t know existed. One with confidence, spark, and poise. I didn’t know how much hurt he had until he really lived his whole truth. This transformation can only be described metaphorically as a caterpillar to a beautiful, amazing butterfly. It was the most gorgeous, freeing, experience to watch my child bloom into who he really was.

As a mom, an advocate, an ally, and a recent activist, I’ve learned so much. But above all, I have realized what a true gift it is to parent this child. Yes, every child is a gift, but a raising a transgender child has brought so much clarity to my life. The amount of education that my son has provided me, the bravery he has shown, his self-advocacy and the incredible self worth that has emerged, it has truly changed me as a human. Children are brilliant and they understand so much more about themselves than we do. We simply don’t give them enough credit.

And this journey has taught me about unconditional love- not only the love that I have for him but the love that others have shown us. And it’s all been enlightening and rare and gorgeous.

Having a transgender child would have never made my top 100 list of parenting challenges, had someone asked me before having a child. But I am so glad I was chosen for the task.

It is my honor and my privilege to parent this gorgeous soul.

Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears”

The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 3,700 members. For more info about the private facebook group email lizdyer55@gmail.com

I’ve always been proud of my kids. They are considerate and kind (to everyone but each other), they are helpful, they are bright, they are articulate, and they tell the best jokes. Our den is cluttered with box forts and half-finished science experiments, and our walls are plastered with their art and school pictures. They’re the best kids any mama could ask for — and that fact has never changed, even when I realized that my freckle-faced, brown-eyed first born is transgender.

When Max (as he’s called now) told me he was a boy, he was only 2 years old. I didn’t believe him. I explained that there were a million different ways to be a girl, and that we could “redefine girly” together. Eventually we let him cut his pigtails and wear Spider-Man t-shirts, and it wasn’t too long before this kid really did look like a stereotypical boy. For years, I would correct people when they’d compliment him on what a helpful “young man” he was. Proudly, I’d boast that this was my daughter, and that there was no one right way to be a girl, and isn’t this child basically the best for ignoring cultural stereotypes, blah blah blah. This continued for years before I finally noticed the way my baby would get embarrassed, and how he’d shrink a little more every time I explained that this was actually a girl (gasp!). After enough moments like this, I started to wonder: maybe the rest of the world wasn’t misgendering my child — maybe I was.

Throughout all of this, Max was insistent, persistent, and consistent in his gender identity, and patient with me as he tried explaining in a million different ways that he was really a boy. I didn’t know that the word “transgender” even existed, let alone it could be an experience that a child could have. Yet I never questioned Max’s little sister, Lulu, on her gender identity — I had no reason to, since she identifies with the gender she was assigned at birth (a term called cisgender). Despite the fact that she’s four years younger than Max, no one has ever thought to challenge her on her gender identity. So why would anyone — including myself — think it’s okay to question Max on his?

A lot of research, prayer, communication, and discernment revealed the answers that my family was desperately seeking. A rise of visibility among young transgender Americans like Jazz Jennings encouraged families like mine to start talking with each other about their gender expansive kids, free from the shame or guilt that so many of us have been told to believe — that we had somehow failed our children by “letting” them be trans. Yet nothing could be farther from the truth. Because while a 2014 study by the Williams Institute showed that 41% of trans youth have attempted suicide at least once (a number that is nine times higher than the national average), those same transgender children experience the same levels of mental and physical health as their cisgender peers when they are supported, loved, affirmed, and embraced at home and at school. By rejecting a child’s gender expression and identity, we as their parents are slowly destroying them. The decision (if you could call it that) became clear at that point — Max didn’t choose to be transgender, but my husband and I chose to love him wholeheartedly. Ultimately, it was more important to us to support our son, than to risk burying our daughter.

These things take time. This wasn’t an overnight revelation, nor a quick social transition. But after years of watching, embracing, and supporting Max in everything from sports to dress to pronouns, he gradually became the person he was always meant to be — a brilliant boy with a soft spot in his heart for cats, tacos, and ukuleles.

This Pride Month, I am incredibly proud of Max for teaching me as his mama the true meaning of unconditional love and for changing the world in the process. When I was pregnant with him, I never cared if I was having a boy or girl — all I wanted was a healthy, happy baby. Nothing about him has changed except for his pronouns. Unfortunately, there are far too many LGBTQ kids who are kicked out of their homes, disowned by their parents, and ostracized by their friends once they “come out”. According to a report by Chapin Hall at the University of Chicago, queer-identified youth have a 120% higher risk of reporting homelessness than their straight or cisgender peers. Additionally, one in 30 LGBTQ teens have experienced homelessness at some point in the last 12 months. The people who should be protecting these vulnerable children are the very same ones who are harming them. Rather than being their child’s biggest fan, far too many parents have become their child’s biggest bully. And it breaks my damn heart. Because quite honestly, if it’s hard to love your kids, then you’re doing it wrong. Full stop.

Max challenges me every day to live my truth out loud, to be a better person, to live openly and honestly, and to advocate for the vulnerable, the marginalized, and the invisible. By being true to himself he has opened the eyes and melted the hearts of people across the country, and has influenced policy as a result. When Max had anti-LGBTQ Attorney General Ken Paxton over for dinner — a man who was actively suing the Obama administration over the DOJ’s transgender protection guidelines in an attempt to strip away the visibility and safety of hundreds of thousands of trans Americans in the process — and showed him just how adorable he was with his cute magic tricks and his Pokemon collection, the entire state of Texas watched. When Max was invited to the White House to meet President Obama, the most powerful person in the world paid attention to his story. And when Max travelled to Austin last year to practically beg Texas legislators to stop bullying him and to please not pass any “bathroom bills”, a reporter saw this sweet boy — exhausted, frustrated, and crying in my arms as we I comforted him on the cold, granite floor outside of Governor Abbott’s office. That reporter took a picture that went viral, and people from literally around the world saw what happens when we treat transgender kids as political pawns in pissing contests.

Of the 30 anti-LGBTQ bills that were filed in Texas in 2017 (which, for those of you keeping score at home, is more than any state legislature in the history of this country), we were able to defeat 29 of them — and, to our great relief, not a single bathroom bill passed. I truly believe this positive outcome — in Texas, of all places! — is because of the hard work and sweet faces of kids like Max, who is part of the newest generation of a half century’s worth of LGBTQ activists.

Pride began with another transgender individual: Marsha P Johnson, a trans woman of color who was tired of living in fear and being pushed to the shadows. So when the police showed up again at the Stonewall Inn on June 28, 1969, Ms. Johnson took a stand, and in turn started a revolution that we are still fighting today. Max is one of this revolution’s youngest warriors: but instead of fists and stones, he’s fighting back with his words.

And Max isn’t the only one. Across the country, we are seeing tiny-but-fierce trans girls like Kai Shappley and Marilyn Morrison living their lives authentically and elevating the conversation about gender and what it means to be nice to each other. We have National Geographic cover girls like Avery Jackson, living in America’s heartland, and bringing visibility to an issue and experience that so few of us had thought about before she came along. And we have national treasures like Gavin Grimm, a transgender young man who sued his Virginia high school for his right to use the bathroom, and was subsequently recognized in a federal court decision for being such an important human-rights hero, that the court’s opinion will bring you to tears.

This Pride Month, and every month, I am proud of the LGBTQ Americans who live boldly every day — whose very existence is its own form of protest. And yet, Max and his peers don’t have political agendas — they’re just kids, worried about the same things that your kids are worried about: whether or not they’ll get to watch one more cartoon before bed, how much money the tooth fairy is going to bring them, and if the cat is going to be okay after eating that weird bug. Somehow, though, that very act of living out loud AND being simultaneously incredibly relatable and adorable is exactly the thing that is changing the world for the better. We saw it during the fight for marriage equality and the overturning of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” and we’re seeing it today as we continue to fight for federal protections like the Equality Act, which would guarantee that Max could never be fired from his job or denied housing or services simply because he is transgender.

My son is just one in an army of hope, and I will follow him wherever he goes. He hasn’t led me astray yet — in fact, I and countless others are better for knowing him — and I believe that he and his peers will create a better, brighter, more equal future for us all if we are willing to give them the space they need to lead — not just during Pride month, but year round.

Amber Briggle is a member of Serendipitydodah for Moms who also blogs at Love to the Max

Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears”

The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 3,700 members. For more info about the private facebook group email lizdyer55@gmail.com

These are some of the words that come to mind when I think about the past 18 months of my life since my oldest child came out of the closet as transgender {female to male}. He was fifteen, at the time, and living as Kate, the daughter I had given birth to and loved with all my heart.

In that conversation, he told me he had never felt like a girl and that he couldn’t keep on trying to be someone he wasn’t. I listened to his story, told him I loved him more than anything in this world, and how honored I was that he had trusted me with such a deep and personal truth. And when he asked if I was surprised, I said no. You see, at age two, he had told me he wanted to be a boy, and at age six he told me he wasn’t my daughter…he was my son. So I had an inkling that this was a possibility, if not a probability. We had many more conversations in the weeks following his disclosure, and as a family, came up with a plan for Kate {she/her} to transition to Kaden {he/him}.

My emotions were all over the place. I felt deep sorrow that my child had walked this earth in silence, unable to express his true identity for fear of rejection from his family, especially from his dad and I. I felt grief for a loss that I couldn’t quite define. After all, I still had my child, but I was trading what I knew…a daughter, even as unhappy, and in pain as she was, for someone and some life I couldn’t see, understand, or feel yet. The temptation to run away and hide was unbelievable. I felt moments of gut wrenching pain and wondered if I would ever feel joy again. I was scared for Kaden’s future and all of ours, too. I was scared that he would be the victim of violence or experience horrible pain from surgeries or loss of relationships. I was scared that my younger kids would suffer, as well. I was also scared that we would lose our family, friends and church. That being said, I was convinced that allowing our child to be his authentic self was the only right decision to make, no matter the consequences to the rest of us. I knew this choice was a matter of life and death as the suicide rate for transgender youth is alarmingly high. There were a few moments, however, when I considered resisting his transition, but a darkness I cannot describe, would come over me and I would feel immense pain which would only resolve when I let go of the fight to keep Kate. I now realize that those dark moments were when I was stuck in my head, trying to logic it all away. When I would check in with my heart, feel the unconditional love I had for my baby, and shut down my fear based thoughts, everything became clear. Welcoming Kaden was our only choice.

Those first few weeks after the haircut and the beginning of Kaden’s social transition, in December 2016, were difficult, to say the least. Everything felt new and unfamiliar. I wasn’t used to Kaden. I struggled with his name and pronouns and I did not yet recognize this person living in my home. That first week of school, as Kaden, was so hard on him and yet he told me EVERY SINGLE DAY, that as painful as it was {being talked about, being told he was an abomination to God, being rejected by some of his bible study friends, etc.}, it was far easier than living a lie {pretending to be ok, so that everyone else could feel ok.}. There are some things in life that you just can’t wrap your head around, so you must use your heart instead. That was, and continues to be, a huge lesson I was learning more and more each day. I had to trust that God had us in His capable hands and that He would get us through….though I had my moments of doubt. Thankfully, Kaden only had to endure one week of school before Christmas break, which was a huge blessing and absolutely part of God’s amazing timing. The break gave us all some time to get acquainted and adjusted to this massive change in our lives. I still did not see the light at the end of the tunnel, and just came to accept that our path would be illuminated bit by bit, and the best thing I could do for myself and my family, was to stay in the present moment. I wasn’t to know what our future held, so I needed to let go.

After a few months, I began to feel a distinct change within our family. We went from living with a kid who hated himself and resented having to play a role, to having one who lived authentically and free. He was no longer angry that his brother had the life he always wanted and no longer hated being grouped with a sister he didn’t relate to. He was so much happier and his relationships with Cameron and Claire changed dramatically. He was patient, kind, and gentler with his words than he had ever been before. He also had empathy for the challenges and pain they were experiencing with his transition. And they responded to this new dynamic with acceptance and love. It was so beautiful. I remember being on a road trip with the three of them, in April 2017, and was blown away at how well they got along together and truly enjoyed one another’s presence. I told Scott then that I wouldn’t go back to the way it was, even if I could.

Our life since Kaden began his transition has been excruciating and extraordinary, both of which I will continue to share about on my blog. Much of my writing will be about Kaden, but I’ll also share about my own transformation through this journey of supporting and unconditionally loving my transgender child. I hope you’ll join me.

xoxo

Jamie Parnell is a member of Serendipitydodah for Moms who also blogs at My Life in Trans

Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The official motto is “Better Together” and the members call themselves “Mama Bears”

The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 3,700 members. For more info about the private facebook group email lizdyer55@gmail.com

Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of lgbtq kids. This series will address common questions that often get asked by members of the group. For more information about the group email lizdyer55@gmail.com

There are some common questions that we hear over and over from moms of lgbtq kids and one of those questions goes like this:

Should I tell my friend that my son is gay? my daughter is lesbian? my child is transgender?

Like many questions, there may not be one answer that is right for everyone, but, there is some conventional wisdom that can be very helpful as parents think through their own unique situations.

Because we live in a world where lgbtq people are still oppressed and marginalized, because we live in a world where lgbtq people are often bullied, because we live in a world where lgbtq people are known to be treated like second class citizens, because we live in a world where lgbtq people still receive the message that they are broken and need to be fixed due to their lgbtq status, because we live in a world where lgbtq people still don’t have equal rights and protections, parents need to be extra thoughtful, considerate and careful about who they talk to about their child’s lgbtq status until their children (no matter the age) are completely out.

My advice is:

Always check with your child if they are not completely out before sharing their lgbtq status with someone.

If a child is too young to be able to consider all the factors parents will have to make the decision independently of their children.

The younger the child the more careful parents may want to be about revealing their child’s lgbtq status to others.

When your child is not completely out it is important to consider how well you know the people you want to confide in and how trustworthy you believe them to be.

Once your child is an adult and completely out you can decide for yourself who to tell.

I often hear people say it’s not necessary to tell anyone because it is no one’s business but I don’t think that is the issue here. I think the issue is more complex than that.

Let me explain …

I have two kids – one straight and one gay. Over the years I have talked to other moms about who my straight son dated – something in a relationship that hurt him – who he had a crush on – who had a crush on him – who he wanted to go to prom with and other similar things. These were his business but they were things that were going on with my son at the time – they were things on my mind and on my heart because my son was on my mind and on my heart – sometimes I talked to other moms about these things because I was concerned and wanted to know how to best support my son, sometimes I talked to other moms because I was excited for my son, sometimes I talked about something because I thought it was cute and moms often share cute little things about their kids with one another. I’m pretty sure if I had asked my straight son if I could talk about any of these things with other moms he would have probably said no.

There are also other “personal and private” things parents talk to other parents about for regularly – a medical issue, a behavior issue, a problem with a friend, a problem at school – things our kids wouldn’t have want us to share with anyone else. We don’t talk about such things to violate their privacy – but because we are seeking wisdom, insight, support, and/or encouragement.

My point is that we often talk to other moms about confidential and private things about our kids. It is a normal part of parenting – probably even more normal for mothers than dads because women often tend to process verbally and it helps them to talk about stuff they care about and are dealing with – it helps moms be better moms to share their situations with one another and learn with one another and from one another – it helps moms be stronger and steadier, and more loving, kind and patient when they can get some things off of their chest and say them out loud to another mom … because motherhood is a significant bond that mothers share and it really does take a village to raise a child.

It’s hard to be a good, smart, capable mom without depending on other moms, without having the freedom to share with and talk to other moms about things on our minds about our kids. And trying to keep our kid’s sexual orientation a secret can limit us when it comes to having these normal interactions and those limitations can make being a mom a LOT more challenging and even limit our knowledge, wisdom and effectiveness when it comes to being a mom.

So, I see being able to talk about my gay son with the same amount of freedom that I talk about my straight son as progress.

Sometimes I hear people say they look forward to the day when they don’t need to tell anyone their kid is lgbtq – but I don’t see that as progress.

Instead, I look forward to the day when all of us can openly speak of our child’s lgbtq status and not have to worry about it. I look forward to it being as normal to say “my son is gay” as it is to say “my son is left handed” or “my son has blue eyes” or “my son is an introvert”

When I hear people say “being gay doesn’t define my child” or “my child is more than his sexual orientation or gender identity” or “I don’t have to tell anyone my straight kid is straight so why should I have to tell them my gay son is gay” I hear defensive remarks that are a response to the kind of world we live in. Those remarks remind me that I look forward to the day when we don’t have to say anything like that or think anything like that.

After all, the only reason we don’t have to tell anyone our straight kid is straight is because we live in a world where being straight has been the default. We don’t have to tell anyone our straight kid is straight because we have been living in a world where anything other than straight has been erased, pushed to the margins, kept hidden. If nothing is said people assume that someone is straight and that can feel like erasure and disregard to lgbtq people.

Of course, people are more than their sexual orientation or gender identity, and, of course, there are many things that define us as human beings. But, our sexual orientation and gender identity are important elements of who we are. They are elements of ourselves that can impact our opinions and perspectives, how we engage with the world around us, what we are interested in, our comfort zones. Our sexual orientation and gender identity exist in the core of who we are. I would argue they are more important than many other things that we readily admit define us. I would argue that our sexual orientation and gender identity are among the few things that are central to who we are.

This is the time of year when lgbtq people and those who stand with them and support them are preparing to participate in Pride parades and celebrations.

Pride parades and celebrations are a response to a world that wants to erase the existence of lgbtq people, a world that wants lgbtq people to keep quiet about their lgbtq status, a world that wants lgbtq people to hide their status, a world that wants to diminish the significance of being lgbtq.

It’s very common for conservative Christians who support conversion therapy to tell lgbt people that they should not think of themselves as “being gay” – they often use phrases such as “attracted to someone of the same sex” or “struggling with same sex attraction”

That way of thinking and speaking is rooted in shame. The idea that people should not identify as lgbtq or make it a main part of their identity are ideas that have grown out of anti-lgbtq belief systems. They are ideas that cause lgbtq people to feel shame and self loathing regarding their lgbtq status.

Pride parades are a protest against those kinds of ideas.

Pride parades are lgbt people saying “I am gay, I am proud of it, it is a part of who I am, it is an important part of who I am, I am not going to be ashamed about it, it matters, I am not going to hide it, I am not going to apologize about it, I am going to declare it, I am going to say it out loud, I am going to own it, I am going to flaunt it, it is a big part of who I am.”

As beautiful as I think that is – to see lgbtq people let go and fully embrace their sexual orientation and gender identity with no apology, with no downplaying, with no shame – I look forward to the day when Pride parades are no longer necessary, I look forward when it will be normal for people to share they are lgbtq, when it will be normal for parents to share that their kid is lgbtq, but no longer necessary to have a parade about it, no longer necessary for us to be careful about who we tell …

But, for now we DO live in a world where Pride parades are necessary.

For now, we DO live in a world where we have to worry about people’s reactions towards our lgbt children.

There is still a lot of work to do and the work that needs to be done will surely not be completed in our lifetime.

So – we have to be careful and thoughtful – especially if our kid is not completely out.

Moms share confidential things and stuff that is no one else’s business all the time when they are close with each other – it is normal and good and helpful.

But, because we still live in a world where lgbtq people are still oppressed and marginalized, because we still live in a world where lgbtq people are often bullied, because we still live in a world where lgbtq people are often treated like second class citizens, because we still live in a world where lgbtq people still receive the message that they are broken and need to be fixed, we have to be extra thoughtful, considerate and careful about who we talk to about our kids lgbtq status until they are completely out.

Not because it isn’t anyone’s business – but because we still live in a world where it isn’t always safe to be lgbtq.

Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of lgbtq kids. Our official motto is “We Are Better Together” and our nickname is “Mama Bears”

The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. It was started in June 2014 and as of November 2018 has more than 3,700 members. For more info about the private facebook group email lizdyer55@gmail.com

Moms of lgbtq kids sometimes make mistakes when their kids first come out – sometimes they aren’t as strong as they need to be – sometimes they let their feelings lead them to say the wrong thing at the wrong time – sometimes they hurt their kids even while loving them more than their kids can imagine … my advice to moms of lgbtq kids when their kids come out include these three things:

(1) Be intentional about letting your kid know you love and support them unconditionally, that you are going to be with them on their journey and do your best to make sure they have the resources they need to be healthy and whole. Ask them questions and listen to their story – learn from them – learn what they need from you. Don’t share your feelings of fear or grief with your child no matter what age they are. They have enough on their plate and you don’t want them to feel like they have caused you pain. Your grief could make them feel guilty or ashamed.

(2) Find people, either in real life or online, that will understand and support you where you are at and at the same time empower you to move forward on the journey so that you are strong for your kid. PFLAG, affirming churches, affirming friends and family members, online groups like my private Facebook group for moms of lgbtq kids are all places to seek that kind of support. (contact me if you want more info about the facebook group)

(3) Educate yourself as much as possible because a lot of a parent’s feelings in the beginning are about the loss of what they perceived as a relatively safe and predictable future. A lot of the emotions are connected to fear and concerns about the unknown. Being well informed can bring a lot of peace and confidence and help parents move forward and be supportive in the way their kid needs them to be.When you know better you can do better.

I try to meet moms where they are and help them become better. Any mother that is open to learning and growing is welcome in my facebook group for moms of lgbtq kids. I believe we are better together. I believe we can learn from each other and with each other and become stronger and more loving and more understanding of ourselves, each other and our kids.

Our motto in my group is “better together” and I believe we are better together.

And I always say “when we know better, we do better”

****************

Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The group was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 2,500 members. Each day moms of LGBTQ kids gather virtually to share a journey that is unique and often very difficult. The group is a place where they share a lot of information, ask questions, support one another, learn a lot and brag on their kids. Their official motto is “We Are Better Together” and their nickname is “Mama Bears” The group is set up so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted there The space was specifically created for open minded Christian moms who have LGBTQ kids and want to develop and maintain healthy, loving, authentic relationships with their LGBTQ kids. However, moms do not have to be Christian to be a member of the group. In addition to providing a space for members to share info and support one another, a special guest is added each month for a short time so members can ask questions in the privacy of the group. The guests include authors, pastors, LGBTQ people, bloggers, medical professionals and public speakers.

Serendipitydodah for Moms also has three subgroups:

Serendipitydodah MTK is for trans specific conversation and is mostly made up of moms of trans kids. All the members of Serendipitydodah MTK are in the larger group also.

Serendipitydodah Mama Bears to the Rescue is a subgroup for Serendipitydodah Mama Bears who are willing and able to be available to do small acts of kindness for LGBTQ people in their local community who may need connection, care or assistance. This subgroup makes it easier for members to coordinate and organize to do things such as visit someone in the hospital, help someone get settled in a new area, provide some transportation, include someone in their holiday gatherings, provide temporary housing, send a note of encouragement, attend a wedding etc

Serendipitydodah Blue Ocean Faith is for members of Serendipitydodah for Moms who want to connect with and become a part of the Blue Ocean Faith Ann Arbor community via its online presence. Blue Ocean Faith is a faith community that fully includes, affirms and supports lgbtq people and those that support them. Ken Wilson and Emily Swan are the pastors of Blue Ocean Faith.

Love is very much like courage, perhaps it is courage,
and even perhaps only courage. – Galway Kinnell

The following piece was written by Meredith Indermaur.

Meredith is a member of Serendipitydodah for Moms, a private facebook group for moms of lgbtq kids, and like so many moms in the group, she has discovered that love is very much like courage.

Nearly ten years ago, a dear friend gave me a Willow Tree figurine for Christmas, as she does every year. In fact, she’s the one who got me interested in collecting the unadorned, faceless sculptures, and I’ve been hooked on them ever since. Beautiful in their simplicity, they have a childlike, innocent quality about them. They are striking on their own but stunning en masse. Each little figure represents something meaningful (like hope) or commemorates an important event in life (like a new baby). The angel I unearthed from her box that winter’s day is called “Courage.” She stands about 5 inches high with arms outstretched in a V-shape, her little head turned upwards toward the sky, looking like every other child I know who’s ever scored a soccer goal or aced a math test. My friend explained that she sensed I’d be facing some situations requiring me to be “bold and courageous,” and this gift was her way of reminding me to remind myself of who I am in Christ. That’s funny, I thought, because I’ve never considered myself to be particularly courageous, statue or no statue.

The artist penned these words about her “Courage Girl:”

“I sculpted the first Angel of Courage in 2001 to celebrate the triumphant spirit, inspiration and courage we call upon to face challenges in our lives — whether they be our health or the well-being of our loved ones. In response to an overwhelming request for this sentiment, I re-sculpted Courage in 2006. I hope this figure can be a reminder of people in our lives who inspire us with their strength and courage every day.”

Two years later, our oldest son came out as gay to my husband and me in a letter he wrote before leaving for church camp for a week. He was afraid to be home when we read it. At the time, his fear made perfect sense, given off-hand comments I’d made over the years about “biblical truth” and “the LGBT lifestyle,” but when I think about it these days, I shudder. That I’d put him in any position to fear me for being honest about himself shames me to my core, which seems fitting, given how I’d unwittingly shamed him. I’ve sought and received his forgiveness, thank God, and we are and have been on the same page for a long while now. I take none of this for granted; I know how easily I could have lost him.

As a high schooler who was born and bred in North Carolina, I inhaled every book Thomas Wolfe wrote with the same gusto I give today to a bowl of kettle corn. Too young at that time to comprehend the deeper meanings attached to his own life experiences, I missed a lot of what he was trying to communicate in my favorite of his works, “You Can’t Go Home Again.”

My teenage self really didn’t understand anything about “home” – and would not – until I’d grown up, moved away, and returned for visits a couple times a year. I thought Wolfe was trying to convey that New York City had a hold on him that Asheville, North Carolina, which must have seemed backwards by comparison, could never have. But he was writing about something much larger, much more intense, and much more true than I could grasp in my limited experience. He was writing about the pains and gains of growing up. In effect, he was reiterating Jesus’ parable that begins, “Truly, I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit.”

“Something has spoken to me in the night…and told me that I shall die, I know not where. Saying: ‘[Death is] to lose the earth you know for greater knowing; to lose the life you have, for greater life; to leave the friends you loved, for greater loving; to find a land more kind than home, more large than earth.'” – From You Can’t Go Home Again

Death and resurrection. Loss and gain. Putting away childish things. All these take courage.

Growing pains are real. I remember my eight-year old legs aching when I’d lie in bed at night and my mom reminding me that they hurt because my bones were growing. Spiritual growing pains are real, too, but by the time I began experiencing them in full force, my mom wasn’t here to reassure me that all those “something[s] greater” à la Wolfe were awaiting me. In fact, I was terrified I was losing my faith, tumbling down that proverbial slippery slope, and keeping company with all those people who’d “traded the truth for a lie.” I was nothing if not steeped in what had morphed into what I call American evangelicalism – the thing that lived off fear like a fungi lives off its host – rather than steeped in the Jesus kind of evangelicalism that simply proclaims, by word and by deed, the Good News of God’s loving presence to everyone.

My son’s coming out forced me to take another look at my previously held belief system, and I don’t mean “take a look” as in revisit some things but actually roll up my sleeves, grab a shovel, and dig down deep, turning everything over and over again. I worked up a mean sweat for nearly three years. A mom will do that for her kid, and I have to tell you, it took a helluva lot of courage to begin and to persist. A researcher by nature, I sought out alternative translations of Scripture and studied any verses hinting at homosexuality in their original languages. I pored over scholarly articles, psychology journals, and medical books. I listened to and learned from LGBT people, starting with my son. I got connected to other Christian moms of LGBT kids. And I prayed – oh, how I prayed. This was a true labor of love, which I owed my son, if nothing else. It was also my faith deconstruction, an often fear-filled, messy, and lonely business that gave me a deep appreciation for what my son and others like him experience on a daily basis. My fearful reliance on certainty was blown to smithereens, so I’ve learned to peacefully co-exist with doubt. The god I thought I knew – the disapproving, occasionally angry, and ever-disappointed One I was introduced to in childhood – continues to fall by the wayside. In that god’s place is Someone Who embraces and sustains us all, Who finds delight in us, and Who continues beckoning us to step outside our tight theological boxes for open pasture. Many of the beliefs of yesterday that built and carried me – in fear – are the ones I offer again and again as a sacrifice to this embracing, sustaining God. I was overdue for a dismantling. I now know from experience that spiritual maturity, among other things, is birthed out of a good shell-shocking, and I didn’t want to waste mine; in fact, I want to continue welcoming it.

“Toil on, son, and do not lose heart or hope. Let nothing you dismay. You are not utterly forsaken. I, too, am here–here in the darkness waiting, here attentive, here approving of your labor and your dream.” – From You Can’t Go Home Again

Having a child in the LGBTQ community is a gift of the highest order. This gift is God’s invitation to stand on the outside and in the margins with others that He loves but who may not yet know that love. This gift is God’s invitation to view Him and others with a different hermeneutic – one that takes to task a small, narrow, restrictive, and exclusive belief system and offers us a more expansive and inclusive one. It’s also God’s invitation to see Him in and through my son and others like him. This is the heart of God’s heart. Thomas Wolfe’s words about death and resurrection, about losing something for gaining another thing, about leaving something in order to find something else are really Jesus’ words and are now a part of my own experience, which is the only way any of this could ever make sense to me at all.

I am finally putting my face on the little figurine as I stand with my arms in a V-formation with my head tilted upwards toward the sky. I don’t stand alone but alongside my son and others in the LGBTQ community who are the epitome of courage.

And we are stunning en masse.

Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ kids. The group was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 2,500 members. Each day moms of LGBTQ kids gather virtually to share a journey that is unique and often very difficult. The group is a place where they share a lot of information, ask questions, support one another, learn a lot and brag on their kids. Our official motto is “We Are Better Together” and our nickname is “Mama Bears” The group is set up so that only members can see who is in the group and what is posted there. The space was specifically created for open minded Christian moms who have LGBTQ kids and want to develop and maintain healthy, loving, authentic relationships with their LGBTQ kids. However, moms do not have to be Christian to be a member of the group. In addition to providing a space for members to share info and support one another, a special guest is added each month for a short time so members can ask questions in the privacy of the group. The guests include authors, pastors, LGBTQ people, bloggers, medical professionals and public speakers.

Serendipitydodah for Moms also has two extension groups:

Serendipitydodah MTK is for trans specific conversation and is mostly made up of moms of trans kids.

Serendipitydodah Blue Ocean Faith is for members of Serendipitydodah for Moms who want to connect with and become a part of the Blue Ocean Faith Ann Arbor community via it’s online presence. Blue Ocean Faith is a faith community that fully includes, affirms and supports lgbtq people and those that support them.

Some Christians worry that affirming and supporting LGBTQ people might end up being the wrong thing to do. They wonder how they can be certain they are embracing the good and right position.

As someone who was not always affirming or supportive I can understand their doubts but I no longer have those doubts. I feel confident that affirming and supporting LGBTQ people, their relationships and their identities is the good and right position to hold.

My confidence and assurance is because I keep coming back to this …

The fruit doesn’t lie.

Good theology should produce good fruit and non-affirming/anti-gay/anti trans theology doesn’t pass that test.

Most of the time non-affirming/anti-gay/anti trans theology produces bad fruit in the lives of lgbtq people who try to embrace it wholeheartedly. Fruit such as depression, despair and self loathing are very common results.

We can almost always find a verse or teacher or book to match our beliefs, but … the fruit doesn’t lie.

If a theology is mostly producing bad fruit you know it isn’t the truth and should be abandoned, because … the fruit doesn’t lie.

In Matthew 7 Jesus said if you aren’t sure about something check out the fruit it is producing, because “every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit”

People were asking Jesus a lot of questions.

They wanted to know what they should believe – who they should follow – who they should emulate and support.

They wanted to know who was right – who knew the true way – what prophets should they trust – what rabbi should they follow?

Instead of answering with a list of shoulds and shouldn’ts, or naming names, Jesus offered a formula that would be useful to truth seekers throughout all of time.

Jesus advised those who were listening …

When you are not sure about a specific doctrine, or a certain theological point, or some Christian message you can simply check out the fruit that it is producing.

If it is producing good fruit then it is of God and true. Embrace and follow the teaching.

If it is producing bad fruit then it is not of God and not true. Abandon the teaching.

Scripture does not address most things specifically. Instead it gives us some guiding principles to live by. Then people come along and try to figure out how to apply those guiding principles to real life. When we get it right it mostly leads to whole, healthy, vibrant lives. When we get it wrong it mostly leads to broken, unhealthy, hopeless lives.

If a specific doctrine is mostly producing self loathing, despair, hopelessness, depression, isolation, shame, self harm and other such bad fruit then it’s a no brainer … it’s not good doctrine and we should abandon it.

We can twist scripture to fit with our own perspective.

We can cherry pick and only choose those scriptures that support our view.

We can ignore original language and historical context so that scripture seems to support our argument.

We can almost always find a verse to more or less say what we want it to say.

We can almost always find a Christian leader to teach what we believe.

We can almost always find a book that supports our point of view.

We can almost always find a church that represents our belief.

BUT … the fruit doesn’t lie.

I’m confident that anti-gay/non-affirming/anti-trans theology is wrong because it consistently produces bad fruit and I’m confident that affirming and supporting LGBTQ people, their relationships and identities is good and right because …

When you listen to and get to know LGBTQ Christians who are connecting with faith communities and theology that affirms their relationships and identities you will find they are experiencing a lot of good fruit in their lives. They are typically healthier in every way – relationally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.

The fruit doesn’t lie!

***If you would like to delve deeper into what scripture says and doesn’t say about same sex relationships check out this postwhich addresses the verses most often used to condemn same sex relationships.

Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group created in June 2014 as an extension of the Serendipitydodah blog. The group presently has more than 2,400 members and was especially created for Christian moms of LGBTQ kids who want to develop and maintain healthy, authentic, loving relationships with their LGBTQ kids. Our official motto is “We Are Better Together” and our nickname is “Mama Bears” The group is set up so that only members can see who is in the group and what is posted there. For more info email lizdyer55@gmail.com

More than 850 members of Serendipitydodah for Moms, a private Facebook group for moms of lgbtq kids, signed a letter of support to Adam Rippon after he spoke up against VP Pence regarding Pence’s support of conversion therapy.

Adam Rippon, a 28-year-old figure skater, will be the first openly gay man to compete for the United States in the Winter Olympics.

In an interview, Rippon said that he would prefer not to meet Pence during the traditional meet-and-greet between the official delegation and U.S. athletes in the hours leading to the opening ceremony.

“If it were before my event, I would absolutely not go out of my way to meet somebody who I felt has gone out of their way to not only show that they aren’t a friend of a gay person but that they think that they’re sick,” Rippon said. “I wouldn’t go out of my way to meet somebody like that.”

“I don’t think he has a real concept of reality,” Rippon said of Pence. “To stand by some of the things that Donald Trump has said and for Mike Pence to say he’s a devout Christian man is completely contradictory.If he’s okay with what’s being said about people and Americans and foreigners and about different countries that are being called ‘shitholes,’ I think he should really go to church.”

The widespread belief that Pence supports gay conversion therapy comes from a statement he made in 2000 on his congressional campaign website: “Resources should be directed toward those institutions which provide assistance to those seeking to change their sexual behavior.”

Here is the letter that was sent to Adam:

January 30, 2018

Dear Adam,

We are members of Serendipitydodah for Moms, a large private Facebook group with more than 2,400 members who are moms of LGBTQ kids.

Our group was created in June 2014 especially for open-minded Christian moms who have LGBTQ kids and want to develop and maintain healthy, loving, authentic relationships with their LGBTQ kids.

Not only are we excited that you are among several openly LGBTQ athletes going to Pyeongchang to compete in the Winter Olympics, but we have been so encouraged by the way you have spoken out in support of LGBTQ people.

More than 850 of us are signing this letter to send you our support and gratitude, and to let you know that in our eyes you are already a champion!

We were horrified and broken hearted after reading some of the horrible comments that were posted to you after you spoke up about VP Pence and wanted you to know that we care about you, are standing with you and appreciate the courage it takes to be open and speak out the way you are doing.

Although there is a lot of ignorance and hate in the world we remain hopeful that the tide is turning and that things are getting better. Of course, we know nothing will change or get better unless good people like you and us keep showing up, speaking up and fighting for what is right. And that is why we just had to write and express our support and gratitude. Not only are you helping to make the world a kinder, safer, more loving place for LGBTQ people to live but you are inspiring others to do the same. You have energized us and given us fresh inspiration to keep fighting the good fight, and because of that we are forever grateful.

We believe people like you reflect the true spirit of America and remain hopeful others will hear your voice and be inspired to follow your example.