Have you ever noticed how life has this wonderful way of testing you, pushing against your edges, and giving you opportunities to practice what you preach?

I just had an experience like this that I want to share with you.

I work with leaders and project managers on Emotional Mastery, which is the practice of how we can gain control and master our emotions in any given environment in order to make great decisions; and to be more resilient when we make poor decisions.

Well, for the last 2 weeks I've been working on a two-day leadership retreat for a multi-billion dollar company. I've been working on a step-by-step process that I want to take this leadership team through to get the outcomes I was told they are looking for.

I had an opportunity to meet with the general manager and discuss the retreat...and I'm not kidding, in the first 30 seconds he starts shredding my proposal. Now mind you, I was contracted this work and the event was in 10 days. I developed the program based on the outline that was previously approved. After listening to him for two minutes, I was about to walk out of the room and say I didn't want the job. But then I realized I was focusing on the wrong things. I was focusing on him telling me all the reasons why my proposal stinks. So what meaning did I give that? "He doesn't like me, he doesn't like my work." I experienced what we call, an "amygdala hijack", which means my emotional system took over, and I became fully stressed out. In that moment I had an opportunity to make a decision - do I walk out and tell him I don't want this job OR do I get myself under control? I decided on the latter, so I asked myself a few questions:

First, What am I focused on? I was focused on all the things he was telling me are wrong with my proposal.

What does this mean? We are creatures of meaning. Everything that happens around us we give meaning to. So I was thinking he doesn't respect me, he doesn't think I can do this job, he's trying to push his own agenda.

So I asked myself a really important question...

What else could this mean?He's expressing the outcomes that he truly desires from this retreat with his Leadership Team. This is an OPPORTUNITY to use the tools I teach every day!

Because I was able to master my emotional response, I was able to salvage a client and this retreat and also to create shared meaning about the outcomes we were striving for. It was truly a win-win situation and it was because I was able to master my emotional response... I was creating meaning that wasn't there.

For everyone, this is a lesson in how meaning drives our emotions. There will be times consistently in our life and work where we are feeling unbalanced and maybe judged. Ask yourself “What else could this mean?" When we really stop and listen to the other person, they will tell us what they need and then we can create shared meaning and a shared vision of success.
​
Have you ever had a situation like this? Did it go well, or poorly? Tell me below! Share your comments because this is how we learn from each other!

Kevin Ciccotti, CPCC, PCC, is an authority in helping leaders to build stronger, more sustainable relationships with their teams, helping them to drive engagement, increase productivity, and lead to greater overall success. He is passionate about helping leaders to create an environment in which their people can thrive and achieve their full potential. Read More...

Kevin, your message hit right at my heart , I feel this on a regular basis at work, and the first thing that is triggered is the emotional impact of what is being said and i start ti think , she does not think I can the job, she does not have faith, I am not valued etc. I try to listen clearly, but find it hard at times as I may focus on what said and not listen to what is being said., I try to catch myself and not take it personally but it hard, so it is a 50/ 50 sometimes it goes well other times it does not. I would be interested in learning more- I always find your articles and insight very valuable.

Reply

william rogers

8/2/2016 07:53:44 am

Kevin, your message hit right at my heart , I feel this on a regular basis at work, and the first thing that is triggered is the emotional impact of what is being said and i start ti think , she does not think I can the job, she does not have faith, I am not valued etc. I try to listen clearly, but find it hard at times as I may focus on what said and not listen to what is being said., I try to catch myself and not take it personally but it hard, so it is a 50/ 50 sometimes it goes well other times it does not. I would be interested in learning more- I always find your articles and insight very valuable. Thank you

Reply

william rogers

8/2/2016 07:53:52 am

Kevin, your message hit right at my heart , I feel this on a regular basis at work, and the first thing that is triggered is the emotional impact of what is being said and i start ti think , she does not think I can the job, she does not have faith, I am not valued etc. I try to listen clearly, but find it hard at times as I may focus on what said and not listen to what is being said., I try to catch myself and not take it personally but it hard, so it is a 50/ 50 sometimes it goes well other times it does not. I would be interested in learning more- I always find your articles and insight very valuable.Thank you

William - first of all, I acknowledge you for your honesty and transparency. It is difficult for us many times to hear what's being said without taking things personally. There are a few reasons for that. First of all, check your own internal dialogue as you're listening. What are you saying to yourself inside your own head? "She's right, you're not very good at your job." Or maybe something like, "I knew I was going to fail again." Get clear on how you're speaking to yourself, and work on seeing what you like and what's good about yourself rather than what you don't like. It can help reframe your internal dialogue. Second, when you notice yourself going into a pattern like this where you assume the worst, and you're taking things personally, remember to ask yourself the question, "What ELSE could this mean?" The truth is that you are the one giving this exchange its meaning, and you're already making up what it means. Why not make up something that actually helps rather than hurts? Make sense? Keep watching for new posts on emotions and emotional mastery. It's one of the things I believe we're not well trained in, and it's my desire to help people gain clarity and mastery over their emotional lives. When you can begin to manage your emotions more effectively, the quality of your life will improve in every area. I hope this was helpful. Let's stay engaged in the conversation!

Reply

Danielle

8/2/2016 08:34:51 am

I have experienced this many times! If it happens at work, I usually give myself a day to process the information and to form a rational response. I think it's easier in our world to experience this because we tend to put an unintended meaning into text (email, messages, etc). Sometimes I read something again and realize I misread an email which changed my attached meaning. Slowing down and being slow to respond is helpful for me!

Danielle - great insight! The thing we tend to miss in our communication is that the speaker tends to think they are the one assigning meaning to their comments. This applies especially to written communications such as text messages, emails, etc. However, it is always the listener/receiver who is actually assigning the meaning to what is being said. When we send a message, it's important to read it as though we're the one receiving it and ask if we're making the point we THINK we're making. Also, when receiving a message, it's important as you note to take time, read through it carefully, and seek the more resourceful response. I, too, have made the mistake of firing off a negative reply to a message that I had misinterpreted. Now, sometimes we don't have the luxury of time, so it's critically important to recognize the meaning we've given to a communication, and ask the other person if we're on target or not. They'll tell us! It can be difficult to do because we tend to avoid conflict or to avoid making ourselves vulnerable. And, it's better to know with certainty than to continue to guess and most likely be wrong. Thanks for your comment!

Reply

Leave a Reply.

Human Factor Formula

Helping companies create sustainable, effective teams that are committed to the success of their projects, the organization, and the individuals with whom they work

Meet Kevin Ciccotti

Kevin Ciccotti, CPCC, PCC, is an authority in helping leaders to build stronger, more sustainable relationships with their teams, helping them to drive engagement, increase productivity, and lead to greater overall success. He is passionate about helping leaders to create an environment in which their people can thrive and achieve their full potential. Read More...