Yesterday, I wrote a little post that was intended to thank my sweet friends for throwing this shower. I preambled with some babble about how miserable I've been and how badly I want this behemoth infant out of my body and included a few lines about an exchange that I'd had with my doctor that morning that went something along the lines of oh hai doctur pleez get this babee out of mah body and no srsly doctur I can haz C-section? Which - and I didn't think that this needed explaining - were tongue-in-cheek (mostly - more on this below) both in their original statement and in my recounting of them here, on this bad blog.

I did worry a little bit that I might offend someone - I know that some people have strong opinions about c-sections, and that some women who have had them experienced them as disempowering etc, etc, - and so I toyed with the idea of posting a little disclaimer to the effect that AM JOKING (mostly) PLEASE DON'T TAKE OFFENSE. But then I thought, a) if I had to apologize for every instance of black humor on this blog, it would be all apology, no blog, which kinda defeats the purpose, and b) I was also kinda not joking - to the extent that, yes, I am getting that desperate - and shouldn't have to apologize for my awkward attempts at expressing the extent of my current discomfort.

So I left it alone. I had closed comments anyway, so that people would follow the links that I provided rather than feel obligated to leave comments, so I figured that I wouldn't hear much about it. But then I opened my inbox in the middle of the night - have I mentioned? am not sleeping because there is no sleeping position known to womankind that can comfortably accommodate a belly with a 30-something inch girth - and clicked open a comment with a link to a video that seemed expressly designed to give me nightmares: full, unedited video of Anna Nicole Smith's C-section. The next comment, which would have preceded the comment with the link, said something to the effect of you must watch this... get as far away from your OB as you can... they are setting you up for a slaughter! (Those last few words? Not paraphrased.)

Which, you know? Not helpful advice for a woman who is 9 plus months pregnant with a gargantuan baby and who can't sleep even without the Sears-gone-Freddie-Krueger threats of doom and the explicit horror videos.

Look, I know that for some women, C-sections are almost as bad as female circumcision and forced sterilization in terms of disempowerment and violation of the female body, and I can totally see how if one felt that way, one might want to intervene to prevent others from undergoing such a procedure and that this person had all sorts of good intentions, BUT. How different is such intervention from, say, anti-abortion intervention, if imposed upon someone who has not asked for an opinion on the matter? I mean, sending me gory videos and telling me that I'm doomed for slaughter? Terrifying me isn't exactly the right way to engage me on the issue of C-sections, nor does it any way help me in any way to cope with the massive physical and psychological burden that this pregnancy has become (yes, I said it: burden. I am that f*cking miserable from pain and fatigue and the feeling of complete and utter broken-down uselessness). You're welcome to tell me that you disagree with C-sections (although, again, my request for a C-section was tongue-in-cheek, as are any and all statements to the effect that I plan on flushing this child out with castor-oil-and-vodka martinis) (maybe), but please do not tell me that I am 'not thinking' and that I am unappreciative of equal rights v.v. my body and puhleeze do not use scare tactics to make whatever point you're making.

I'm not planning a c-section, nor would my doctor even support giving me one for anything less than pressing medical reasons. Which, again, is not to say that I wouldn't joke that I can't see getting much bigger and incapacitated without being tempted to demand one or perform one on myself, and that it wouldn't be all the funnier for me because it's maybe a little bit true. Joking about it doesn't mean that I don't take this birth - or the means by which I will undergo the birth - very seriously. It does mean that I take choice very seriously - as I wrote at BlogHer just this week - and that I hold in very high value the fact that as a woman living in North America in the 21st century, I can choose whether to give birth at home or in a hospital, with drugs or without, and that if I need a c-section, I can have one.

And it also means that I am very attached the principle that what I do with those choices is nobody's f*cking business but my own. Which is to say, if anyone else out there is thinking of sending me gory childbirth videos starring doomed D-list celebrities, C-section or otherwise, don't.

78 Comments:

If that were me, and I ended up with a medically needed c-section- I'd probably have nightmares from the video.

My third daughter was born in the OR under the veil of a c-section. Everything was at the ready in case it was needed (I was at a high risk for needing one). Thankfully the stars aligned and she easily entered the world, ass first!

People are idiots. Anyone who does that to a woman in late pregnancy either hasn't ever given birth or is a total *sshole.

I've had two C-sections. One emergency and one (gasp!) planned. And, you know what? I've got two healthy kids, a tiny scar and had easier recoveries than several of my friends who gave birth the old fashioned way.

Good gosh. I don't know what is wrong with people, either. I also really love how women seem compelled to share, with first-time preggos, all of the WORST possible birth stories on the face of the planet. What is UP with that? Sorry you had to go through that in the middle of a sleepless night.

Unfucking believable. If you decided to have a c-section or blow the baby out of your nose, it's your choice. Choice, choice, choice. Your body, your baby, your choice. You can be well educated and still want a c-section, and you know what, it's TOTALLY FINE. As I've said before, my mother has sent me seeking therapy for lots of things, but the fact that I was a c-section baby has never come up.

I just watched The Business of Being Born on Netflix (DO NOT WATCH. DO NOT. NOT FOR PREGGO PEOPLE) and I happened to love it. It did change my view of birth, but I fully believe that things happen and choices can be made. Quite frankly, ragging on another woman's impending birth is douchebaggery at its best.

I bet ten bucks that if you posted the conception position people would be irate that you did it THAT way and now the baby's IQ will be seven points lower and OMG, you just suck.

Huh. I didn't realize that c-sections were so terrible. I'm about to have my third. The first was emergent, the second was planned and the third is planned as well. I've read too much about the dangers of VBAC to risk my baby and my health over that.

I'm sorry if anyone here happens to be of the "c-section=imminent doom" camp, but people like that DRIVE ME CRAZY. No, that doesn't mean "c-sections for everyone!" but quit trying to scare the crap out of people about them or making the people who do have to have them feel bad. And lets NOT try to terrorize the poor sick-of-being-pregnant people, mmkay? GAH. Live and let live, people. Mind your own beeswax.

BTW, I *really* hope you don't choose the alternative suggested in Nic's comment. I think the rhinoplasty scars would be waaaaaay worse than anything you could experience with a c-section! (Snort!)

FWIW, I had an emergency c-section and I did not feel "violated" or "disempowered" or any of the other drivel people claim. My child is alive b/c of it and I am grateful I live in a place and time where it was even an option.

So WonderSprout, if you're reading this, just come on out...your mama's tired and cranky and miserable. I know she'll be a whole lot happier to see you face to face.

Obviously whoever sent the message does not read you. S/He is definitely a piece work, though.

I hope you don't end up with a c-section because it is major surgery that can be painful and hard to bounce back from. Plus, it's a hard enough transition for WB without saying 'I can't pick you up' for 6 weeks. But I had to have one, and really, it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. This from a woman who had a homebirth the first time 'round, and has much to say on the subject of the medicalization of childbirth. Bottom line - whatever it takes to have a healthy baby/healthy mum. But I know I don't have to tell you that.

As if!! I'm always shocked to hear about some of the emails bloggers get. seriously.I didn't ask for a c-section but did ask to be induced. And asked if crying would help my cause. And I didn't even have a toddler at home. ;)

Seriously, what is wrong with people today? Even if you weren't joking, it's your right - your choice - to have a c-section if you want one. And what if you do need one? There are some very valid reasons for having a c-section; do you really need to have that image burned in your brain if you have to undergo one? I think not. Again, what is WRONG with people?

As someone who's given birth via section and then with a v-bac I can say there are advantages and disadvantages to both births and both recovery periods. Thousands of women give birth each year via section, have healthy babies and recover just fine.

That is so fucking rude and obnoxious, I can't even stand it! I mean seriously, written like that, how does some turkey take that seriously and decide to go on a tear?

And even if you were serious, there are way better ways to suggest that you might want to think about it a bit.

and meanwhile, I second kgirl in saying that, having had one by necessity with Pumpkinpie, I felt that it was more important that she and I be safe and healthy than that I avoid one at all costs. Sometimes it just doesn't work the way we plan for, and people need to understand that life is like that. And you know I'm a big planner, so I don't say that lightly!

anyhow. rattling on all to say that person is a jerk, things will work as they work for you, it will be over soon enough either way, and I'll be happy for you when it is! Hugs, C.

I am stunned. How is having a c-section unempowering? How? And why does some weirdo take it upon themself to tell you what you should do? And jeez, you even considered posting a disclaimer for the harridans. Argh!

I had both of my kids the old fashioned way (ie, via the vagoo) and holy fuck, my bits are totally screwed up now. I do not feel empowered or self-righteous at all. I would have prefered c-sections. At least I would be sure that sex was how it should be rather than it being woefully disappointing because my parts are all stretched out of shape now... TMI? Sorry. But gar.

I am annoyed on your behalf but for my own stupid reasons. Sorry. But jeez....

Not just rude, but dehumanizing. I don't get it. Don't people like this realize that sometimes c-sections are necessary?

I suspect this person is in the "your body can do anything you believe it can" camp. And I don't really want a follower of Oprah's The Secret as my OBGYN. No matter how hard I believe it can, my uterus will never, for instance, fly.

Not just rude, but dehumanizing. I don't get it. Don't people like this realize that sometimes c-sections are necessary?

I suspect this person is in the "your body can do anything you believe it can" camp. And I don't really want a follower of Oprah's The Secret as my OBGYN. No matter how hard I believe it can, my uterus will never, for instance, fly.

Good Lord. I had a c-section with my first child, which a friend told me was because a) she was breach in an attempt to get more affection from me and that b) if I was a "real" woman, I would have given birth to her, entangled umbilical cord, footling breech presentation and all. WONDERFUL.

My old boss at work volunteered to lend me her personal childbirth videos to 'educate' me on the joys of birth. Yikes!! Seeing her, in want of a better term, vajayjay was not what I considered part of my job description!

I had a c-section.It was elective. But, with good reason. I had a rough birth, and the OB couldn't promise the same thing wouldn't happen again.And it was kind of a size issue as well. (though they were totally off on the size front and my "huge" baby was 6lbs 6 oz)Whatever. My choice.I got sooo much flack for it both in real life and in person.It's no one's business. Seriously.And, in case you were wondering, it was a beautiful birth and I would do it again in seconds. I just wouldn't tell anyone. So many people have opinions.

Who are these nasty online people? Really, in real life, when you mention c-sections, people are politely interested, or not at all. Online, they have rabid opinions.

I've had a c-section and a VBAC. I actually found recovery from the c-section easier (although I am given to understand that is unusual). Both were remarkable, memorable, fulfilling experiences (yes, the c-section as well).

I'm sure you already know that people who send you such links do not have you best interests at heart.

oh no, that's dreadful. I am so sorry. You and baby will do great, no matter how you choose to birth together. I'm sorry you can't get comfortable, that's just dreadful. I reached a point in my last pregnancy I created a nest in my bed and slept on my stomach with my huge pregnant belly in the donut hole. My husband curled up at the foot of the bed or on the floor, I don't remember. I just remember needing to sleep badly.

One of those who just love to make you feel like Joan of Arc on the way to the pyre.

I'm too lazy to write a post about the second coming. But one thing that really helped us, was when people would come to visit, the REALLY smart ones would essentially ignore new baby until old girl was out of the room. And pay attention to old girl only. Catering? Pandering? Hell yeah. But we are talking about very wee people with very huge egos here. And pandering to the big one means peace for mum dad and small one.

Wow! Video can be very persuasive. The ones I saw were of women giving birth - naturally. They were terrifying! So, I asked my doctor for a C-section. Yes, I had an elective C-section. And now I have an incredibly healthy and well-adjusted son, who just happens to absolutely love to shove his head through shirt necks that are just a little too tight. True story.

What IS it with people who share birth horror stories with pregant women??? Does it give them some sort of thrill? Some strange sense of superiority or power? Or, do they really think they're "helping"??!

It brings to mind one of my favourite poems by Shel Silverstein:

Helping

Agatha Fry, she made a pieAnd Christopher John helped bake itChristopher John, he mowed the lawnAnd Agatha Fry helped rake it

Now, Zachary Zugg took out the rugAnd Jennifer Joy helped shake itThen Jennifer Joy, she made a toyAnd Zachary Zugg helped break it

And some kind of help is the kind of helpThat helping's all aboutAnd some kind of help is the kind of helpWe all can do without

HBM, you don't need any of that kind of "help". You just do whatever YOU feel it takes to make a happy, healthy mummy, and a happy, healthy baby.

Someone would actually DO that? They can't have too much going on upstairs. I mean, holy f#ck.

I had twins (12 pounds of babies by the time they were born) and I'm telling you, the last three months of my pregnancy - from when their combined weight was even less than what you're carrying now - were just miserable. When you have to hold your stomach just to turn over in bed? things are bad. I know that "empty my uterus immediately!" feeling.

I had a c-section. The pain aftermath was nowhere near as bad as what I was expecting. It led to no feelings of empowerment or disempowerment. The babies were what I was overjoyed about. Wishing you the best birth experience for you and your baby.

That's horrible. Those videos are so bad anyway. When I was pregnant with my third (and thinking that just a little prematurity would not hurt the baby and would help me SO MUCH) they had just started letting dads in the delivery room, but they had to watch a video first, to be prepared for what they'd see. I'll tell you, I was ready to back out on the whole deal. Especially after the c-section to deliver twins. Those videos are not safe for pregnancy. NSFP.

As you know from delivering Wonderbaby, from your viewpoint it's not all that bad anyway. All you see is your giant tummy framed by your cellulited legs, and then this little human comes out and you can't stop looking at him, and who cares what else is going on down there? I have not had a c-section, but I understand there are drapes that hide the actual surgery from your view. Anyway, you're busy delivering the baby, you don't have time to look for the horror.

One more tiny anecdote that proves that being the deliverer is much better than being the onlooker - when my first grandchild was born, I got to be in the delivery room. Couldn't with the second because he came at 35 weeks and 4 days, and they didn't let grandmas in until 36 weeks. But for the first I was there, and helped hold my daughter's legs and watched the monitor to tell her to push (because the blessed epidural stopped her from feeling anything). It took quite awhile because my daughter is very slender, and the doctor had gone so far as to order the surgery prepared when she said "I'll be damned if I'll have a c-section" and pushed with everything she had and that baby popped on out. It was beautiful. But I had been pushing right along with her, so hard that when I went home I discovered I had started my period a week early.

The next day I was still reeling in horror while she was bopping around saying "that wasn't bad at all!"

Well I was totally going to send you the video of me shoving Frac out my pink parts...up close in all my beautiful vayjayjay glory, but if you're going to be like that, I'll just write a damn post for the virtual shower.

Seriously?? First, even if you had or wanted to have for that matter, a c-section, you don't WATCH it!! So a video is pretty irrelevant (um, and gross!). Second, PEOPLE OF THE INTERNETZ!! Leave HBM alone for crying out loud if you can't laugh along with her!!!

Whatever happened to a sense of humor? Regardless, I think the toughest part is actually what comes after the birth. So heck, it isn't like there is an epidural or whatever to relieve parenting . . . Do whatever the heck you want . . . no apologies.

Delurked . . . had to. I was one of those first time moms (a little over 8 months ago) who had everyone and their freaky aunt wanting to share horror stories with me. Weirdos.

Keep your childbirth beliefs to yourself, I say. If you want a romantic homebirth go for it, but don't preach it to me. If you want to experience the pain of childbirth congrats, don't preach it to me. If you don't like C-sections hooray for you.

Just don't forget that 100 years ago the most life-threatening thing a woman could do was give birth. Every pregnancy was a mixed blessing because you never knew if you would actually live through it.

I had a very unexpected c-section with my son, lots of "great pushing" and a sudden, crazy stop to the pushing, and a big ol' c. And I do so well with unexpected change, heh. I felt horrible for months. Then I joined ICAN, a whopping VBAC let's-all-do-naturally online group, and I swear, that made me feel worse. I am staring down the barrel of pregnancy #2 now, and looking forward to having a healthy, happy baby no matter what kind of delivery I choose. People can be such fecking door stops sometimes. Don't listen to the chatter, and go on with your Bad Self. And may your son just get here soon, healthy and safe. And oh, mmmmmmm. Vodka martinis.

I was pregnant with twins less then two years ago. Twins who didn't get the memo about being small, coming early, or any of the typical "high risk" twin stuff. I was lucky, I was blessed. But the last month I couldn't have given a crap about being blessed because I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't move, everything that you are going through. I wanted my babies OUT so that I could meet them and start this new life as a Mom. And I was thankful for a doctor who said "let's go get those babies" when 24 hours of induction didn't work. That's right, I smiled when she said "c-section" despite months of fears of those words. It really upsets me when people want to take my experience away from me as any less womanly, any less powerful or important. It wasn't awful, it wasn't painful to recover, it was perfect. Despite all the warnings otherwise about how hard it would be after a c-section, it just wasn't- I breastfed them within the first few hours and exclusively breastfed for the first 6 months.

Point being, you have my empathy and prayers during this difficult last few weeks. And anyone who can't understand your need to express how difficult a time it is can suck it.

There was a mom in my baby group when the girl was a teeny baby who expressed her belief that women who had c-sections weren't "real women". This is after knowing that 4 women in the group had had c-sections.

You know, it would have been nice not to have a c-section, especially after 26 hours of labour. That being said, it was needed, it was quick, professional, and caring. And after over two years with the girl, it is so ancient history.

Whatever...we all have different experiences and who am I to judge, blah blah blah...

Those last weeks of pregnancy suck so much...even without random people yelling at you about c-sections. Have you considered asking your doctor for a sleeping pill? My midwife gave me lunesta for the last week of my pregnancy, and oh my goodness did it make a difference. I still woke up to pee a few times a night, but I actually slept inbetween. I don't know how I would have survived my twenty hours of labor and the ensuing newborn sleeplessness without that one week of good rest.

People can be such asshats. I feel the same way about the c-section nazi's as I do about the breastfeeding ones. There isn't one right way for everyone. Life just isn't that black and white and thenk god, because it would be pretty dam boring.

I hope that baby decides that he wants to make his appearance know very soon.

If it weren't for a c-section, my 7yo daughter would likely still be up in my uterus seeing as there was no way a recently-turned 8 1/2 pound breech baby was going to shoot through my canal. I didn't want a c-section for my first baby, but I thank goodness every single day that I live in a time when the doctors were able to get her out of me before anything bad happened to either one of us.

People on the tubes are insane, period. Don't let it bother you and here's my bit of unsolicited assvice: NEVER open an email attachment (or follow a link) from someone you don't recognize. Aside from cutting down on things like this, it will help keep your 'puter healthy. And think about it, when was the last time you opened a stranger's link or attachment and thought, "gee, my life was somehow enriched by having seen that"?

I had an emergency c-section with my daughter, and I was broken-hearted for a long, long time in spite of a husband who kept saying, "She's here and she's safe - get over it." Now I'm halfway done cooking another one, and I'm 90% sure I'm going to repeat.

Sections happen. What.ever. And for the record, my heart goes out to all the women who end up with nasty tears in their lady parts, 'cuz that's just unfair.

For as doomed as ANS was, she had a healthy baby girl via C-section. All C-sections (and vaginal births) are full of natural stuff like blood and body fluids and pain and discomfort. I guess the slaughter person couldn't find a video to "prove" their "theory."

You know, it just doesn't matter. The end result is what counts. If you get a healthy baby and a healthy mama, then the delivery was the right thing for that birth. Doesn't matter if the baby comes out of an incision or a hoo-haw.

Healthy baby is the goal. Not how it gets here. And I got that you were joking. Hell, when I hit 40 weeks with my first I waddled into the prenatal clinic and demanded an abortion. Much more potentially offensive than demanding a c-section.

The second baby is easier. Trust me. And good luck. Sorry I missed the shower.

Second: I missed your virtual party because it was my birthday weekend and I was busy celebrating ME. So, I know I won't get prizes. I'm also convinced that I don't have ass/advice for you that is new or creative or different from what you know/have heard already. However, this is what I would like to share with you -

As a Momma of two boys I have learned a couple of things. 1) Decide if it's really worth fighting about. If not, then let it go. (sometimes cooked carrots stuck to the ceiling is just not worth the temper tanrum you would have to throw in order to get her to stop launching them at the cat, much less eat them) If it is, then you better be willing to go toe to toddler toe until you win.2) Don't assume that what worked with the first will work with the second. More than likely they will be night and day different. I love that about my boys. Thing1 I understand completely. He is so much like me. We think alike. We talk alike. I can predict his reactions to situations down to the tone of his voice. Thing2 is a completely foreign species to me. I don't understand the way he processes information or gets to the conclusions that he does. Because of this, I've learned a lot about myself from both of them.3) Once they have removed the parasite from your abdomen, try to remember at least once a day that you are one of the luckiest women on the planet. If you find it's harder some days than others, wine always helps.

A c-section saved my son's life. The cord wrapped three times around his neck and he never would have survived the pushing, let alone a home birth.

Luckily, I was at a top Chicago trauma center and they were able to extract Garcon surgically in about 5 minutes when his heart rate plummeted to 35 bpm. He was blue when they pulled him out. And now two years later, he's fine.

If you want a natural birth, skip drugs, choose a hospital that allows a doula/midwife, but for god sake - when you're jumping out of the plane, have a parachute available!

Wow, sometimes people are such nuts! Personally, I'd wonder what was wrong with you if you weren't (sorta) contemplating a c-section at this point in the pregnancy. With my first child, I had false (so they said, anyway - I'm not so sure) labor for a solid month. It was so convincing that I went to the hospital 4 or 5 times that last two weeks just to be sent home again. (come back when your contractions are 5 minutes apart, come back when your contractions are 5 minutes apart for several hours, come back when your contractions are two minutes apart for an hour, blah, blah, blah) After the second time my doctor told me there was no way I'd make it to the next appointment without giving birth, I called and begged/threatened him to do something NOW or ELSE! He sent me to the hospital where I delivered right after he threatened me with a c-section after over 2 hours of pushing. (Because at that point, you know, after pushing for 2 hours, I was damned if I was giving up then).

My SIL planned a C-section for both of her kids. She set it up at her 3 month appointment. I think it is your choice. I had my first pregnancy test at a center that also performed abortions. I was 15 and scared to death and the protestors outside saw fit to hand me a lot of pamplets of abortions, complete with pictures of aborted babies. SO not right. I was there for a test not an abortion. If I had one planned I don't think pictures would have changed my mind.

I'd say I was shocked but I got the same emails after my doctor mentioned the possibility of a c-section last time (this was pre-Anna, at least, but I got TONS of information about how a planned c-section would kill me, my baby and probably a lot baby seals).

I had an emergency section, and it CHAPS MY ASS when I have to defend it as necessary and no, I wasn't bullied into it and it wasn't horrible and I'm probably going to opt for another one this time, so fuck all of y'all AND the baby seal you rode in on.

(And call me weird, but I watched a good deal of my own section on video and really didn't find it much gorier or slaughteriffic as your average video of a vaginal delivery. Both exits are fairy messy.)

Oh, poor you, poor you. I wish this was face to face so you would hear and see my sincere support. Hang in, hand in. You can do this. I wish I could take a shift for you, say 8 hours of enduring all of the pain and discomfort so you can dance about in my non-pregnant body and bend over and pick up WB and dance around and sleep 8 hours straight etc...etc... Oh I wish I could take a shift for you.

I totally agree with you. I cannot believe someone did that to you. *Hugs and sympathy*

No, wait... *pissed off camaraderie*

Just stumbled across your blog a few days ago checking out the cool moms on the web. Totally love it and am thoroughly enjoying hearing from REAL moms! Keep it up! And here's hoping that baby vacates really soon!