Mark Goulston M.D., F.A.P.A.

10 Habits of Happy Couples

What does it take to be happy in a relationship?

What does it take to be happy in a relationship? If you’re working to improve your marriage, here are the 10 habits of happy couples.

1. Go to bed at the same time.
Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn’t wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps. And when their skin touches, it still causes each of them to tingle and—unless one or both are completely exhausted—to feel sexually excited.

2. Cultivate common interests.
After the passion settles down, it’s common to realize that you have few interests in common. But don’t minimize the importance of activities you can do together that you both enjoy. If common interests are not present, happy couples develop them. At the same time, be sure to cultivate interests of your own; this will make you more interesting to your mate and prevent you from appearing too dependent.

3. Walk hand-in-hand or side-by-side.
Rather than one partner lagging or dragging behind the other, happy couples walk comfortably hand-in-hand or side-by-side. They know it’s more important to be with their partner than to see the sights along the way.

4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode.
If and when they have a disagreement or argument, and if they can’t resolve it, happy couples default to trusting and forgiving rather than distrusting and begrudging.

5. Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong.
If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive.

6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work.
Our skin has a memory of “good touch” (loved), “bad touch” (abused) and “no touch” (neglected). Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the “good touch,” which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world.

7. Say “I love you” and “have a good day” every morning.
This is a great way to buy some patience and tolerance as each partner sets out each day to battle traffic jams, long lines, and other annoyances.

8. Say “goodnight” every night, regardless of how you feel.
This tells your partner that, regardless of how upset you are with him or her, you still want to be in the relationship. It says that what you and your partner have is bigger than any single upsetting incident.

9. Do a “weather” check during the day.
Call your partner at home or at work to see how his or her day is going. This is a great way to adjust expectations so that you’re more in sync when you connect after work. For instance, if your partner is having an awful day, it might be unreasonable to expect him or her to be enthusiastic about something good that happened to you.

10. Be proud to be seen with your partner.
Happy couples are pleased to be seen together and are often in some kind of affectionate contact—hand on hand or hand on shoulder or knee or back of the neck. They are not showing off but rather just saying that they belong with each other.

Happy couples have different habits than unhappy couples. A habit is a discrete behavior that you do automatically and that takes little effort to maintain. It takes 21 days of daily repetition of a new behavior to become a habit. So select one of the behaviors in the list above to do for 21 days and voila, it will become a habit … and make you happier as a couple. And if you fall off the wagon, don’t despair, just apologize to your partner, ask for their forgiveness and recommit yourself to getting back in the habit.

If there was one key to happiness in love and life and possibly even success, it would be to go into each conversation you have with this commandment to yourself front and foremost in your mind: "just listen," and be more interested than interesting, more fascinated than fascinating and more adoring than adorable.

I agree with a number of these points. However, regarding the hand-holding advice ". . . it’s more important to be with their partner than to see the sights along the way":

The way this comment is worded *seems* to me to be reflective of our society's over-obsession with coupling, at the expense of personal development and and independence. Becoming coupled and remaining coupled is seen as soooo important--in fact, its importance is seldom ever questioned--that many coupled people have felt pressured to settle, are unhappy, and end up getting divorced (which defeats the purpose of the many pundits who advocate couple-forming as the pinnacle of life achievement).

Yes, it annoys me when my partner walks too fast and drags me along like a cat on a leash. I think it's respectful to walk next to someone. But let's say it that way--let's emphasize the importance of respecting another human being, not the importance of maintaining the couplehood at the expense of one's own instincts and interests.

I agree with you regarding the "hand holding" being an absolute. It shouldn't be something you do all the time, but I must say that when I see couples, especially older ones where a husband or wife is consciously slowing down to tenderly hold the other person's hand, it's enough to make this grown man cry.

I once saw the most tender of love scenes when a woman in her late eighties gently stroked the wrist of her dying husband of sixty five years. He had just been placed on a morphine drip at the end of his life and she whispered to him, "Just breathe in and relax darling and the pain will all go away." I don't know if he was conscious or not, but as soon as she touched him and said those words, he relaxed and that happened before the morphine even got to him.

My husband and I have been married since 1994. I'd say we do 100% of all the things you suggested, and we probably have the most successful marriage among our friends.

Here are my personal comments to each of your points.

1) Going to bed at the same time is a huge challenge if you both have different sleep rhythms. I am a night person, he's a morning person. We often marry opposites. Recently we started going to bed at the same time and noticed a better sense of togetherness. I've had to curb my desire to talk about meaningful things because when his head hits the pillow he's dead asleep. He lets me sleep in, thank God.

2) Common interests are important, but listening and adopting each others general point of view really helps too (when possible). Common habits really cements a sense of oneness. We do tend to talk things out until we come to a consensus. We also play World of Warcraft and other games together with our friends. I'd say in general we bend toward each other. One's viewpoint doesn't overshadow the other. We gained this habit when it was "us against the world". We lived in another country together our 2nd year of marriage. When you have to rely on each other in a stressful situation, and work on being a unit to combat obstacles, those habits last a lifetime.

3) check.

4) Disagreements are normal. The problem is that when people disagree they tend to amp up their volume to get their point across. They take it as a personal insult when their spouse or anyone disagrees with them. When has an accusation ever solved a problem? If you can remember that your spouse is a relatively intelligent person on par with you (or you'd be stupid to have chosen them) and that they may have a reason for having done something you disagree with, tackle the reason, not the action. If your spouse is spending more money than you like, find out why, don't just berate him/her for a single action. Assume that they had an intelligent reason for whatever it was that they said or did you didn't like, and get to the root of it. It might hurt to reveal the truth, but at least then you can work around the problem.

5) If it takes saying 7 nice things to make up for saying one bad thing, then you need to get in the habit of _always_ saying something nice. We have a lot of meaningless talk in a relationship, most of it space-filler. Rather than saying, "man, it's cold out today" say something cute and sweet. "did I tell you that I married the sexiest man ever?" Yes, it's cheesy. But if you love your spouse it will come out more naturally than you realize. Trust me, if you tell your husband (or wife) "your butt looks cute today" and go over and give it a squeeze, and make that type of random positive compliment a few times a day, you will ALWAYS be treated with adoration and mutual respect.

6) Can't add anything to this point because it's spot on.

7) See #5.

8) I am not a fan of going to bed upset to begin with. Talk it out. Come to a consensus. Don't be a drama queen and stay angry about something that is a small issue, because when the big issues do come up you will have to double down and do something hurtful if you keep that mentality. ... then see #4.

9) Excellent advice. We've been doing it unconsciously for years. I like how this is worded.

10) I find it's easier to be outwardly affectionate when you are in the habit of complimenting your spouse. Do the stuff I said in comment to #5 and it will come a lot more naturally in public.

Thanks for your comment. I would like to add a response.
Personally, I find comments about my butt to be debasing.It feels disrespectful to me. The same goes for a "slave master partner" dragging their spouse down the street as though they are the boss and their spouse is nothing or an animal. (I wouls treat an animal better than that).
***The idea of compliments is great as long as they are sincere ones and don't make it sound like I'm just an object to the spouse.

Regardless of the methods we use- I hope we all agree that mutual respect is what will bring the greatest success and happiness in any relationship.

1) Going to bed at the same time is a huge challenge if you both have different sleep rhythms. I am a night person, he's a morning person. We often marry opposites. Recently we started going to bed at the same time and noticed a better sense of togetherness. I've had to curb my desire to talk about meaningful things because when his head hits the pillow he's dead asleep. He lets me sleep in, thank God.

My husband and I have have very different sleep rhythms, as well. And we've tried this, but it ends up creating more problems than it solves for us. I'm a night person; he's not. If I try to go to bed at the same time as him, I end up tossing and turning - disrupting both of our sleep cycles.

And since we've been married for 17 years at this point, I think we're doing ok with just letting each other get the sleep we need. (Don't worry; we find plenty of cuddle time without having it revolve around our needed sleep.)

My husband and I have been very happily married for over 25 years and if we tried to do #1 all the time, we'd probably kill each other! As he is self employed, he doesn't have a set schedule to adhere to so he doesn't have to go to bed as early as I do. If he did try to do this every night, I wouldn't get any sleep from him tossing and turning! Other times, he is the one who has the need to go to bed early so I try to give him some time to make sure he's completely out before I go to bed. Trust me when I tell you we have more than enough opportunities when we are both in bed at the same time. Other than that, I believe most of them are good ideas. Except for the hand holding. Not to say we don't do that ever but with him being taller than me, he has a longer stride than I do and either I have to run to keep up with him or he has to walk really slowly to wait for me. If we just try to walk together, our gait just naturally seems to work itself out and we can walk together without him dragging me behind him, albeit unintentionally.

Well I'm not sure what's in anonymous' craw today but I'm betting anonymous is married to an unhappy partner.

Aside from all that - this article is certainly common sense - but who doesn't need a reminder? As therapists, we tend to see a LOT of folks who are near divorce who have "forgotten" all of these basics. Or, they think that because they dont' FEEL like doing these things, that there is no reason to do them.

I say, if you are falling out of love, or have already done so, employ these 10 reminders for the next three months. Then check in with yourself and see if you feel at all different. There is nothing to lose.

Thank you Dr. for the sweet reminders of the things I'm doing right and the things that could use some attention.

I'm mid-40s and never married, but in my idealisism about a long-term relationship I've never had, these all seem like good advice.....although I'd probably not do the going to bed at the same time all the time because I'd use it for some alone time if I were coupled...Just too independent. :)

I see many couples who need to pay attention to these basics. I'm amazed to see how many husbands may walk around a store with their hands in their pockets while their wife has their children, shopping bags, a cart, a couple kiddos, and purse. And often the guy may be walking 10 feet in front. To me that shows a real lack of simple consideration. I'm sure there are women who do similar, and I've dated a couple, but I probably pay attention to how my mutual gender is acting. Sure maybe their marriage isn't happy, and I'm seeing a symptom, but to me it's a basic way to establish a base of caring, trust, etc.

You might be very surprised to find out how much your independent streak might fade away when you find the right partner. I was married later in life (for a woman--32), was *very* independent. In retrospect, married for the wrong reasons (basically thought it was time)--needless to say, the marriage didn't last (6 yrs), and although it was a decent marriage, it wasn't soul satisfying (at all). My husband was a good, decent, and kind man, but we drifted apart due to lack of common interests. The last few years I was *starved* for 'alone' time... after my divorce, and a few years alone, I met 'the one' -- 4 years on, and every moment I have, I *always* want him there because it enriches the experience, every. single. time. When you get with *the one*--you might find you simply can't get enough of them--in a happy, fulfilled, carefree, loving way--as opposed to the clingy, needy, anxious, controlling way!

Funny, or rather not so funny, that my Ex and I did all but #4 and #5 during our 12 year marriage. The result was an unbearable roller coaster. Since the divorce we learned to do #4 and #5, but lost the benefit of the rest of the list.

Lots of things are common sense Anonymous, but civil, criminal and family courtrooms are full of people who ignore or bypass "common" sense.

In many parts of the U.S. and the world it isn't wise to hold my spouse's hand in public because we're a lesbian couple and in some places it's safer to pretend she's "just" my friend than to risk being out.

You are right that much of the United States, "land of the free," is not the "home of the open minded and tolerant." I think the world needs to see more displays of love and loving in public to make up for the open and rampant displays of hostility that are everywhere.

" Freedom is not Free " ask any Military Veteran, I'm one, and let me tell you, you haven't lived until you been stationed in some of our allies countries and seen what freedom is really all about. The cutting off a hand of a man caught stealing. the stoneing to death of a lady caught in adultry, the hanging of a driver of a bus when he struck the village cow. We do love our freedom.

Freedom is not free. That is why I am so proud and honored to be working with Lt. General Marty Steele USMC (ret) and Colonel Tom Tyrrell USMC (ret) on a program to help returning soldiers and veterans successfully transition to civilian life. You can read more about one program we are putting together at: http://bigtaskweekend.com/mybigtask.html (scroll down to see).

Would you say he was psychopathic in any way. Psychopaths have an amazing capacity to charm and deceive. Most importantly what have you learned? Some people in your situation would say, "I've learned that you shouldn't trust anyone." That's the wrong lesson, the right lesson is to trust wisely. So in retrospect what were some of the red flags that you should have noticed, or maybe did notice and didn't pay attention to.

Sorry, that's bullshit. You can try to know who you are with, but it only goes so far, even if you've known them many years. The man or woman you think you know may be very good at hiding their true nature. Also, people change (including you yourself) over time, and you cannot "trust" anyone to just remain stagnant in who they are, what they like, or who they love. When you make the decision to trust, you take a risk. But you have to ask yourself if the alternative, which is to not trust, and therefore remove any chance of gaining the benefit you may have gained by trusting, is worth it. It's always a risk. Always. But choosing not to trust anyone? You have lost before you start.

So, be realistic, and recognize that nothing is forever, be it joy or sorrow. If you get lucky, and the joy lasts your whole life, winner winner chicken dinner for you, and the rest of us will look on enviously, and some of us can even be happy for you.

But if, like most things, it has a shorter shelf life than you had hoped, kiss it softly goodbye, be glad for having it at all, and realize that trust is crucial to experiencing anything in your life. If you wrap your heart in bubble wrap and hide it in the closet, it may not get broken, but it never gets to live a full life either. Pain of losing is the cost of loving. Sucks, huh? Yep, sure does. Sittin smack dab in the middle of broken heartland myself, as I write this. But to tell people to "trust wisely" is like saying to go take a shower, but don't get wet. What a load.

Patch that sonofabitch up and put it back on Ebay. You never know. You might get lucky, and somebody will buy it and and love it back almost to wholeness. Which is not a bad deal. But it won't happen, broken and bubble wrapped and hidden in the closet. Peace.

Here are a few questions you can you with people that will often smoke out someone you can't trust.

1. After they hit you with a spiel of possible b.s. smile at them coyly and say, "No disrespect intended on my end, just being a little caution." Then suddenly switch your town to "stone cold" serious and say, "Why should I believe or trust one word you have just said to me?" and then watch their reaction. The more defensive and ballistic, the more they are not to be trusted. BTW one reason you don't think to ask such questions is that they are things you needed and wanted to ask of one or both of your parents, but were scared stiff about their reaction.

2. Say to them, "What is something I shouldn't know about you? And why that?"

3. If I were to ask the six people who can't stand you why they can't what would each of them say and which of them would be accurate?

"So in retrospect what were some of the red flags that you should have noticed, or maybe did notice and didn't pay attention to."

That sounds mightily to me like "It's your fault."

Sometimes sociopaths and psychopaths are just that convincing, and J. Herbert Hoover and F. Lee Bailey together couldn't tell that that person was less than - or more harmful than - they were putting themselves out there to be.

Not to speak of the endless rhetoric women are bashed with when they spot what they perceive to be a behavioral yellow flag -- and then friends and family are right there to bombard them with "Don't be so picky -- give him a chaaAAAANCE!!"

It also hasn't escaped my attention that it's mostly male -- or male-identified female -- authors that blame women who don't have PhDs in psychology for this purported "failure" to spot a psychopath from their very first "Hello".

Too bad they're the ones with the credentials and therefore put themselves out there as authorities we should be listening to without bothering to question whether something about their assumptions might be at all faulty.

They ARE wiley, cunning, believable. Persistent. I dated my ex for 2.5 years before we married. We waited 6 more years to have kids, and he didn't really show his true colors till our first born was 4. But holy cake! It's amazing the Jekkyl/Hyde transformation.

Bundy, Dahmer, Manson, Jones, on and on and on... Attractive, charming, intelligent, psychopathic. And as long as things are going their way, they don't need to expose themselves for what they are. It's when they are told NO or things don't go as they like that the gloves come off.

With my ex? Nothing I could have done would have made me see that coming.

This makes me feel good about what I have with my pooki we do all of that and I'm always ecstatic to spend time. this article just made me feel even more secure about what I share with my beloved. although I'll admit I hate going to the super market because I don't know what he'll be getting next. I always lag behind thank you for putting an even bigger smile on my face. I appreciate who ever took the time to write this.

I'd like to see the scientific data to support the fact that it takes 21 days to form a habit. As far as I know thats folklore and nothing close to fact. Throwing out nonscientific statements on a scientific forum is far from professional.

You're right about the 21 days being anecdotal and what I've observed empirically. I wonder if the 28 days that cause 12 Step people to get a chip is part of their thinking that 28 days is the amount of time for a behavior to become a habit and if they want to reinforce it with that acknowledgment.

In the meantime, ask your partner how many of those 10 habits do you have. I'd hate to know for their sake that you're as much of a curmudgeon with them as you are being with me.

Andrea's question was absolutely legitimate, and the number of statements that are not grounded in any form of scientific evidence also struck me while reading the article. It's not just the statement about 21 days, but also several other points (for example: "Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the “good touch,” which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world."). This article seems to be mostly based on folklore and common sense rather than scientific evidence.

I was rather disappointed with your response to Andrea's question, Dr. Goulston. First of all, you admitted that there was no scientific basis for the statement about 21 days (just anecdotal and clinical observation), and she is right in pointing out that you should do your due diligence when writing an article, not the readers! Second and worst of all, you then proceeded to make a snide comment about Andrea's relationship and her being a "curmudgeon". This was absolutely uncalled for - as a expert on relationships, you should know it's not a good idea to resort to ad hominem arguments when you don't have a solid argument to defend your case.

You can easily do all ten of these things for years and still not make it over the long haul as a couple. There is no mention of one of the more important aspects of marriage - sexual activity! If you are in a sexless marriage (not agreed upon by BOTH people in the marriage) then you can do all ten of these things until the cows come home only to leave the higher libido driven person unsatisfied. In fact, these things are relatively easy to perform even if you don't really love the person or want to share sexual intimacies with them. You can still have an emotionally empty or unsatisfying marriage despite these actions.

And because of it I have done a quick rewrite of the habit #1. Hope it makes the point you're making and sorry for your sexless marriage. You are not alone in this. For many in this situation, it has been going for so long that the sexually frustrated partner stops initiating, because they just don't want to go through another rejection.

I know some people who have just been honest with their partner and said (in the calmest, least resentful tone they could muster): "I for one am feeling deeply hurt by how little sex we have and I think that all I show you is my frustration and anger. Going forward I would like to see if we can fix this. If we don't I will accept your wish to not have sex with me as I hope you'll accept my doing what I need to do to satisfy my needs for sexual relief and release."

In several of those cases it led to a big argument, but since the man had not yet done anything other than occasional -- and I mean occasional vs. compulsive -- masturbation to pornography, it did lead to their making their situation better.

Judging from your post and your use of CAPITAL FONTS, I assume the hurt and frustration has crossed over well into anger and resentment. That said, it is still not too late to express the hurt underneath AND the pain it causes you to so resent someone you care about underneath.

If you have passed the point of no return in THAT relationship, make sure you have conversations about your hurt underneath your anger if the same situation should occur in your next one.

And I'll be the first to admit that I didn't think anything about the heteronormativity in the list until I read through the comments and the point that the woman said on February 15th. That's one of the privileges of being in a heterosexual couple, I didn't think about the psychological and physical safety that other couples, be they same-sex, interracial, etc, don't feel on a daily basis. Like one of the other comments, facing that aggression together might bring them closer, but what others see as common sense in this list, isn't so common when being inclusive of all couples. Some people can't display affection for one another in public without being stared at, yelled at, or even assaulted. So maybe this list should be called 10 habits of happy heterosexual, same-race couples.

I think if you look at the common read that runs through all of these points, you see that a healthy couple gives the message, "You're not alone. I'm in this with you, because I love, appreciate, and respect you." All of these behaviors are just reflections of that love and commitment. Great list!

It's amazing how much it can tear a relationship apart when either party feels unacknowledged, misunderstood and unappreciated.

And when that is at the core of problems, rather than expecting the other person to read your mind, you might say to them: "I've been holding a grudge towards you for not reading my mind and knowing what I want and need and I realized that's unfair. So going forward it would mean a lot to me if you would acknowledge and appreciate some of the things I do for the relationship and I'm sorry for being so pouty (sullen, passive agressive, etc.) about it."

I have been married 24 years and was not surprised to find that my husband and I can check off all ten items. We have had our ups and downs in our marriage but maybe it is those ten items that have helped us weather our little storms.

wow! 24 years Cindy, and you carry out all the 10 items in the list. I must say it is very commendable. I am just a beginner in being in a relation and hope I will be able to reach where you are with your partner.