so there’s this duck rightshe can talkOF COURSEman just one time I would like to see a fairytale with animals as main characterswhere the animals CAN’T talkwatch I’ll write one right nowONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A DUCK“QUACK” SAID THE DUCKTHEN SHE PROBABLY ATE SOME BREADman okay I guess I see why everyone uses talking animals

ANYWAY there’s this duckshe has a fuckton of eggs and she’s sitting all over themand then they all hatchand look at all these adorable baby ducksholy shit these ducks are finethey are like the botox-injected love children of adonis and helen or troyor narcissus and HIMSELFbut there’s one duckwho is more like if someone tried to make a saladout of shityeah this duck is basically just a towering shit salad of wayward feathers and shameand the momma duck is like uh whoahow did that come out of meI guess I was fucked up a lot back when I got knocked upanything could have happenedbut damn

but it’s okaybecause as ugly as this duck ishis ass can SWIMhe can actually swim better than those namby pamby pretty-ass ducksbut oh wait did I say it was okay?I meant that as soon as he shows up on the farm for the first timeall the animals start throwing rocks at him like DAMN KID YOU UGLYGET OUT OF OUR FARMand then his mom is like well sonyou know what they saytrue beauty is on the insideso either you can leave right now or we will cut you open trying to find a part of you that does not look like butt

so now the duck is homelessa couple days old and fucking homelesshe wanders around until he gets to the marshesand he runs into some geeseand the geese are like yo what up uggocome be ugly over by us we don’t give a fuckin fact we’ll totally take you to this party we’re throwing laterthere’s gonna be a ton of hot goose chicks there and they are gonna be WASTEDmaybe you will get luckya little interspecies romance never hurt anyoneexcept maybe the mutant offspringand the ugly duck is bout to be all YEAHHHH LESS DO DISwhen all of a sudden one of the geese gets SHOT IN THE FUCKING HEADRIGHT IN FRONT OF HIMTHAT’S SOME VIETNAM WAR SHIT RIGHT THEREand then the other goose gets shotand the ugly duckling is just lying there in the swampwaiting to dieand a hunting dog rolls up like WOOF WOOF WOOF OH SHIT YOU’RE TOO UGLY TO BITEWOOF WOOF WOOF WOOFand runs awayand the duck is like well that’s cool I guessstill traumatized though

so then there’s a huge fucking stormand the duck takes refuge in a farmhousethe farmhouse is full of three things:a blind old womana hen that is as stupid as two hensand an insufferable catand the old woman is like OH SNAP A DUCKI HOPE IT LAYS EGGSbut of course the ugly duckling does not lay eggsbecause he is a dudeso then the hen and the cat start talking shitthe cat’s like BOY YOU USELESSBETTER LEARN TO PURR AND BE A CAT ALL THE TIMEWORKS PRETTY WELL FOR ME LET ME TELL YOUand the hen is like CLUCK CLUCK I’M A HEN or somethingand the duck is like fuck this I’m out of hereand that works out pretty well for him because the old woman was getting ready to just murder and eat him

so now it’s starting to get pretty coldand the duck is kind of worried because he has no friends or food sourcesbut then HOORAY THE DAY IS SAVEDsome farmer finds him passed out in a ditchand takes him back to his place to be a pet for his kidsbut what’s this?turns out kids are assholesthey basically just start punching the duck in the head again and againand he’s like DOUBLEFUCK THISI’M DOUBLE OUT OF HEREand breaks a bunch of dishes and escapesINTO THE DEAD OF WINTERhe sees some swans flying south for the winter but he is too embarassed to join themso instead he just sticks around and CHILLS THE FUCK OUTWHATHOW DOES HE SURVIVE?this is one lonely-ass ducklingin the middle of the goddamn wildernesswith no food and all the water is frozenand it is snowing and he has no shelterguys there is a reason a lot of birds fly south for the winterit’s because THEY ARE BAD AT WINTERbut whateverapparently he doesn’t diemaybe he chews off one of his own legs or somethingin fact yeahwe’re gonna say he chews off one of his own legsand huddles inside it for warmth?sureso then he survives the winter somehowand the next thing he remembers is he’s in a pond againand there are more of those fucking swansand at this point this duck’s mind is completely gonehe’s been abandoned by his familyhe saw the only two birds who were ever kind to him shot in the head in front of himhe’s been physically abused by childrenand he had to eat his own fucking leg to survive the winterthere’s no coming back from thatso when he sees some swans chilling out in the pondhe is like wellI really wanna go over to thembut they’ll kill me because i’m so uglybut you know whatfuck itbetter to be killed by them than spend an eternity in the hell that is my lifeyo swans whats upkill meand the swans are like what?no way dude you are totally a swan!and the duckling looks at himself in the water and he’s like holy shit you’re rightand then a bunch of kids show up like OH SNAP ANOTHER SWAN IS HERELOOK AT HOW FUCKING PRETTY HE ISPRETTIEST SWAN EVERand from then on the swan’s life is greatdespite severe psychological damagebecause now he is pretty and no one can see his missing leg under the water

so the moral of the storyis to all you ugly people out thereyou better hope to god you’re just a late bloomerbecause otherwise you are going to simultaneously starve and freeze to deathwhile your friends are executed in front of you in a goddamn swamp

alright so there’s this chick named “She-Who-Lives-Alone”no she is not some kind of rad lone wolf chickwith a belt full of shells and nothing to losewho don’t need no man and bites the heads off snakesno no noshe’s this little-ass orphan chickwho is part of a tribe of Comanche indians somewhere in texassee there’s a drought and her parents starved to deathand as a result her name is actually officially changed to “She-Who-Lives-Alone”that’s fucked upthat’s like if I got my dick chopped off in a car accidentand so everyone decided to change my name to “He-Who-Ain’t-Got-No-Dick”great guysway to rub it inlike every time you need me to pass the salt and you’re likeHEY HE-WHO-AIN’T-GOT-NO-DICK COULD YOU PASS ME SOME FUCKING SALT PLEASElike THANK YOU SIR I KNOW I AIN’T GOT NO DICKEVERYONE KNOWS I AIN’T GOT NO DICKAT LEAST COME UP WITH A SHORTER NICKNAME FOR MELIKE DICKSY OR SOMETHINGTHAT AT LEAST SOUNDS LIKE IT COULD BE A REAL NAMEFUCKso yeah She-Who-Lives-Alonefuck that

but anyway i mentioned there was a drought right?yeah shit’s pretty fucked upeveryone is kind of worried that they are going to dieso worried in fact that a bunch of the elders go up to the top of a mountainand they’re like OYGREAT SPIRITWHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANTWE KNOW YOU ARE JUST SITTING ON A WHOLE WAREHOUSE OF FUCKING RAINHOW ABOUT LOOSENING THE PURSE STRINGS A LITTLE BITand the Great Spirit is like sure dudes no problemyall just gotta each set fire to your most prized posessionno biggie rightand the elders are like BUT GREAT SPIRITWHY DO YOU WANT US TO DO THATWE HAVE ALREADY LOST LIKE A WHOLE BUNCH OF OUR FAMILY MEMBERSTHERE’S THIS ONE CHICKWE HAD TO CHANGE HER NAME TO SHE-WHO-LIVES-ALONEWE CALL HER ORPHANS MCGEE FOR SHORTIT’S PRETTY SADWHY WOULD YOU ASK US TO SET FIRE TO A BUNCH OF OUR POSESSIONS ON TOP OF THAT?and the great spirit is like oh manthis rain feels so good all over my divine radianceand the elders are like OK POINT TAKENHEY EVERYONE WE MADE A FIRE COME SET FIRE TO YOUR SHIT

so Orphans Mcgee is pretty conflicted over thisbecause on the one hand she wants there to be rain so that everybody doesn’t diebut on the other handshe owns exactly one thingand that is a doll her grandmother gave hershortly before dyingjust like everyone else in her familyand this doll is like top of the lineit’s got berry juice all over its faceand a bunch of blue feathers stapled to its headit is a pretty sweet doll guys i’m not gonna lieand Orphans Mcgee is lying in her tent thinking fuckdoes the great spirit actually want this dolllike what the hell is he going to do with itwhat do you need dolls for when you’re fucking omnipotentbut on the other handmy spider sense tells me that the great spirit is a huge assholewho just wants to see a bunch of shit catch on fireI guess I’d better burn my only posessionotherwise we’re all gonna die

so she goes out to the fire in the middle of the nightand she’s like alright great spirityou wingo fuck yourselfand she throws in her dolland she hangs out by the fire all night and when it dies down she throws some ashes in the airand then she goes to bed

and when she wakes up in the morning THERE’S FLOWERS EVERYWHEREMOTHERFUCKING BLUEBONNETS ALL OVER THE HILLS AND SHITand everyone is like OH SNAP THANK YOU GREAT SPIRITI MEAN WE ASKED FOR RAIN BUT THIS IS COOL TOO I GUESSand then somehow they figure out that this is all because of Orphans McgeeI guess because the flowers are the same color as her doll’s feathersand they’re like ALRIGHT GIRLYOU GET A NEW NAMEYOUR NEW NAME IS SHE-WHO-DEARLY-LOVES-HER-PEOPLENO MATTER THAT THE REST OF US PROBABLY SACRIFICED PRETTY VALUABLE SHITBECAUSE WE’RE NOT TINY FUCKING ORPHANS WHO ONLY OWN ONE THINGNAW GIRL THIS ALL COMES DOWN TO YOUand She-who-dearly-loves-her-people is like well that’s greatbut can I get a shorter name that is possible to use in daily conversationand everyone’s like NOPEand the girl is like okand then i assume everyone dies of thirstbecause none of the versions I read say ANYTHING ABOUT RAIN

so the moral of the storyis it doesn’t matter if you’re Greek or Christian or Comancheeveryone can come together in the common knowledge that god is a dick

Alright so shakespeare time is overFOR NOWI did like doing it a lot it was just very labor intensiveyou can count on more from that immortal bard in the future

what you get insteadis a myth that is dedicated to a chick named Esther “Gorilla Killa” Godzillashe is having a birthday like RIGHT NOWor at least at some point in the near future or pastand so I guess I should talk about someone really legit who shares her first name

but our story does not begin with Estherour story actually begins with some guyno big dealjust KING ACHASHVAIROSHhe’s king of basically everything it is possible to be king ofall the way from india to ethiopiapretty respectabletoo bad King Achasvairosh is in no way a respectable dudesee he’s having a party, right?and his wife, Queen Vashti, is also having a partyKing Achasvairosh’s party is what we might call a sausage partyand Queen Vashti’s would be more akin to a fish taco fiestaso things get a little out of hand at the king’s partyas sausage parties tend to doand the King is like GUYSGUYSWHO WANTS TO SEE MY WIFE NAKED?and everyone is like YEAHHHHHHHHHH GET SOME TITS IN HEREand the king is like OK I’LL CALL HERso he calls up his wife like OY WIFEGET IN HEREyou can wear a crown but you cannot wear ANYTHING ELSEand the queen is like well uhnoand the king is like WHATGUYS SHE SAID NOWHAT DO I DO NOWWHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW???and his advisors are like dude chill outjust divorce herget a sluttier wifeproblem solvedand the king is like AWRIGHTbut i have a strict no fatties policyso i gotta hire this eunuch named HegeiGUARDIAN OF THE WOMEN(which would be a pretty sweet gigif he wasn’tyou knowa eunuch)to gather virgins from ALLLL OVER THE PLACEand pretty em upand THEN i will decide who i want to make the sex with

so true to form, Hegei gathers an assload of hot chicksand one of them is this broad named Esthershe is the cousin of this dude Mordecaiwho is pretty cool but we will talk more about him laterright now what’s important is that Esther is a jewand she gets her ass dragged out to the palaceand then they proceed to apply perfume to herFOR A YEARwhat are they marinating her in perfume?I guess they kinda have to since no one has figured out showers yeteveryone probably smells like a dogshit souffle

so after that year of intense cosmeticsEsther finally gets to meet the kingand the king is like OWI JUST POPPED A BONER SO HARD IT CAME OFFPLEASE GLUE IT BACK ON WITH YOUR MOUTHand then they get married!and also Mordecai gets promoted to one of the king’s ministers or somethingi guess he’s a ministerhe hangs out in front of the gate though so i dunno what kind of minister he isminister of homelessness?

anyway at one point mordecai is just chilling by the gate when he hears some guards all like MAN WE HATE THE KING SOOOOO MUCHBETTER GO POISON HIMand Mordecai is like uh hey kingyou might want to look into these guards you hiredthey are not very good guardsand the king is like RIGHT YOU ARE and has them killed and the day is savedand then the king is like GREAT WORK MORDECAISOMEONE’S DUE FOR A PROMOTIONAND THAT SOMEONE IS…HAMAN, DESTROYER OF JEWSand Mordecai is like uh heywhy did you promote the destroyer of jews all of a sudden for no reasonand Haman is like WATCH AND LEARN JEWFACEI SEE YOU DIDN’T BOW DOWN TO ME WHEN I GOT PROMOTEDWHAT IS THAT SOME RELIGIOUS THING?and Mordecai is like uh yes actuallyand Haman is like THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD REASON TO KILL YOUBUT I CAN’T JUSTIFY GETTING MY MURDERING IMPLEMENTS OUT IF I’M JUST KILLING ONE DUDENOPETHIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FORGENOCIDE!!!

so then Haman goes to the king and he’s like yo kingi’ll pay you ten thousand bucks if you let me kill all the jewsand the king is like keep the money whatever who gives a shitoh god esther that feels so good don’t stopso Haman puts the word out that in a couple weeks everyone is supposed to kill jewsEVERYWHEREwe’re talking about every scrap of land between India and Ethiopiaand apparently that whole stretch of nonsense is CRAWLING with jewsbecause Mordecai is FREAKING THE FUCK OUT ABOUT THISso he goes to Esther like heyremember how I told you not to tell the king you were a jew?and Esther is like ayupand Mordecai is like now might be a good time to tell the king you’re a jewand Esther is like don’t worry popsI’ve got a plan in mind that will make this WAY more complicated than it needs to be

so Esther goes to the king and the king’s like ESTHERJUST THE TITS I WANTED TO SEEWHAT’S SHAKIN’, SUGARGUNSand Esther’s like hey king can i ask a favorand the king is like ANYTHING YOU WANT MY LITTLE SEX WAFFLEand Esther is like ok I want you to come have dinner with me tonightand bring Hamanthat’s what I wantand the king is like DON’T MIND IF I DO

so they have dinner that nightand Esther is very pleasantand the king is like ALRIGHT ESTHER SERIOUSLYANYTHING YOU WANTWHAT DO YOU WANT(please say more freaky shit in bedoh god please come on more freaky shit in bed)and Esther is like all I wantis for you to come to another dinner party I’m throwing tomorrow nightyou too, Hamanand the king and Haman are both like well okcya tomorrow

so Haman is feeling pretty good about himself for getting invited to dinnerbut on the way out through the gate he sees Mordecaiand Mordecai pisses him off SOOOO MUCH just by existingthat he can’t sleep until he builds a huge-ass gallows to hang him onand then he goes back to the castle to get the king to have Mordecai hungbut that is a stupid planwanna know why?because during a bout of insomnia that nightthe king decides to go through the old court recordsand remembers how back in the day Mordecai totally kept him from being poisonedand the king is like hot damn what kind of reward did Mordecai get for that?and his advisors are like uhnothingyou were too busy promoting Haman, the destroyer of jewsand just then Haman shows up about to be like HEY DUDE LET’S HANG MORDECAIand the king is like hey HamanI need some adviceif I really wanted to honor the shit out of someone, what should I do?and Haman, who cannot imagine anyone getting honored besides himselfis like WELL I’D GIVE HIM A TON OF FANCY CLOTHESAND A SWEET HORSEAND HAVE SOME NOBLE LEAD HIM THROUGH TOWN SAYING “THIS GUY IS SO GREAT”and the king is like oh man I love the way you thinkgo do that to Mordecaiand Haman is like MORDECAIIIIII(next time you get really frustratedI suggest looking up at the sky and bellowing MORDECAIIIIIIit really helps)

so but then the next day Haman and the king show up to dinner at Esther’s place againand the king is like OK SERIOUSLY HONEY I KNOW YOU DON’T JUST WANT DINNERWHAT ELSE CAN I DO FOR YOU?DOES IT PERCHANCE INVOLVE BEINGSHALL I SAYFREAKY IN BED?and Esther is like well noit has to do with i’m a jew and you should kill Haman and reverse his decreeand the king is like whoa shit Haman made a decree?fuck yeah reverse that shitchop his goddamn head off who gives a shitoh god that feels so good esther don’t stopand Haman is like how are you executing me and getting a blowjob SIMULTANEOUSLYand the king is like I DUNNO BUT I SHOULD TOTES DO IT MORE OFTEN

so yeah Haman gets hung on the gallows he built for Mordecaiand Mordecai takes his houseand then they send out a letter to all the jews everywheretelling them to murder the fuck out of the guys who Haman sent to murder themso they dothey kill like 75 thousand peopleincluding all ten of Haman’s sonsand then everyone is fucking terrified of the jewsand NO ONE EVER FUCKS WITH THEM AGAINNEVER EVERoh and also that shit gets celebrated every year nowthat’s what that Purim shit is all about

so the moral of the storyis if you want to save your people from extinctionfind a king and start passing out blowjobsthe future is in your hands(and mouthand maybe on your face a little)

he’s threatening the management, and the management is threatening himhe broke a bunch of glasses and is refusing to paythen he vomits and falls downOFF TO A GOOD START SHAKESPEARE

so the owner of the bar goes to get the copsand meanwhile some rich dude shows up after a long day of murdering animalsand he’s like oh man a drunk dudefuck guys let’s prank the shit out of himand everyone is like YESSSSSSSSSSSSSand the lord is like ok here’s what we’re gonna dowe’re gonna kidnap himand we’re gonna dress him up real niceand we’re gonna give him a bunch of servantsand a whole ton of really delicious foodand we are going to tell him he has just been hallucinating being homelessfor like SEVEN YEARSand he was actually mega rich all alongand everyone is like wowthat’s not so much a prank as the plot for a reality showbut you’re the bosslet’s do this

so they do thisand the dudewhose name is Sly by the waywakes up and starts demanding boozeand they’re like YES HAVE SOME EXPENSIVE LIQUORSand he’s like FUCK THAT I WANT REAL PEOPLE BOOZEand they’re like BUT YOU’RE NOT REAL PEOPLE YOU’RE ROYALTYand he’s like FUCK ROYALTY I WANNA GET TRASHEDand they’re like you have a hot wifeand he’s like ROYALTY ALL THE WAY BABYBRING IN THE TITS BRIGADEso they let in his wifewho is actually just some pageboy in disguiseand the pageboy comes in and Sly is like HEY BABY I HOPE YOU WORE YOUR SEXIN’ CLOTHESBY WHICH I MEAN NO CLOTHES AT ALL I GUESSand the pageboy is like uh wellthe doctor said we can’t bone for like a couple daysand in the meanwhile we have some people who have come here to perform a play!isn’t that great?!and Sly is like yeah ok i guess

so then the rest of the play is the play the actors put on for SlySERIOUSLYlike i already told you about hamletwhere instead of killing his uncle like a real manhamlet puts on a play about killing his uncleand I told you about Midsummer night’s dreamwhere a good third of the play is spent watching some idiots rehearse a fucking playbut this right here is the king shit of frame narrative mountainthe play within this play is SO DISTENDEDIT HAS TAKEN OVER THE ENTIRE PLAYTHINK YOU’RE EVER GONNA FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS TO SLY?NOPESORRY ASSHOLESSHAKESPEARE DECIDED TWO SCENES IN THAT HE IS WRITING A DIFFERENT PLAY NOWAND YOU’RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO GO ALONG WITH IT

so this play is called the taming of the shrew all of a suddenand it starts with two dudes showing up in Mantua which is in italywhich shakespeare is for some reason fascinated withand these dudes are called Tranio and Lucentiothey get to come on stage first because they are pretty much the only people in the play who don’t suckso they’re shooting the shit and whateverwhen all of a sudden here comes like a million more peoplethere’s Biancawho is super hot and pretty much totally great in every wayKatherinawho is such a huge bitch that it’s a plot pointBaptistawho is their father and also kind of a huge idiotand Hortensio and Gremio who both want to bang the shit out of Biancaunderstandably

so Hortensio and Gremio are both busy trying to convince Baptista to give them Biancaand Baptista is all like NAH BROSNOT GONNA MARRY OFF BIANCA UNTIL SOMEONE MARRIES HER UNMARRIABLE OLDER SISTERKATHERINA, QUEEN OF THE BITCH NAVYand Hortensio and Gremio are all like fuck manseriously?why would you do thatare you trying to get one of us to agree to be a wingmanand like take one for the team?because fuck thatwe both like our nuts a whole lotand having them attached to our bodies is a high priorityso no sirwe are not going to man up and put our dicks at the mercy of your castrating ice priestessand Baptista is like well shitlooks like no one is happyand Katherina is like DAMN RIGHT NO ONE’S HAPPYYARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRand Baptista is like well in the meantimeI am hiring a ton of really great tutors for my daughtersbecause i am assuming they are going to be single for a very long timeso if you know any tutors you should def hit me upand then he and his daughters leaveand Gremio and Hortensio are all like fuuuuuuckwho the fuck is gonna marry that twank and open the floodgates to hot chick centralwelpbetter go find some idiot to do it for usso then THEY leave

so Lucentio and Tranio have watched this whole thing take placeand Lucentio turns to Tranio and he’s like dudedudeI totally want to bang Biancacan you help me with this?and Tranio is like no doubt brothat is what bros are for and I am the most broful bro that ever bro’d a bro like youbroso here’s what we’re gonna dowe’re gonna disguise you as a super legit tutorand get Baptista to hire youand then you can bang the shit out of Bianca no problemeh? eh?and Lucentio is like okay I like the way you think manbut who is going to pretend to be me while I’m pretending to be a tutor?that is super important for some reasonand Tranio is like DUH BROI AM GOING TO PRETEND TO BE YOUand I am gonna get baptista to agree to marry Bianca to mebut it’s cool because I’m gonna be pretending to be youso really he will be agreeing to marry Bianca to YOUand you’re gonna be banging her already so it’s not like she’s gonna say noand Lucentio is like fuck that’s brilliantquick exchange clothes with meand then Lucentio’s servant shows up and gives them shit about itbut that’s okaythat guy’s only job in the play is to piss everyone offliterally everyoneALL THE TIME

so meanwhile Katherina and Bianca are yelling at each otherBianca is like SIS I AM TRYING TO GET LAID HEREAND YOUR ARCTIC-ASS LOINS ARE A SERIOUS IMPEDIMENT TO THISand Katherina is like MAN I AM SO FUCKING FED UP WITH YOUR BULLSHITWHY IS IT THAT EVERYTHING WITH A COCK AND BALLS INSTANTLY MAGNETIZES TOWARDS YOUR LEAKY MEATPOUCHand Bianca is like WELL MAYBE IF YOU WEREN’T THE ARCHFIEND OF BITCH ISLANDYOU MIGHT GET SOME MANLOVE AS WELLand Katherina is like HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT MAYBE I AM ONLY LIKE THISBECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO BANG ME?which brings us back to the age old questionwhich came firstthe chicken or the HUUUUGE BITCH

so meanwhile Hortensio hits up his critically insane pal Petruchiowho shows up at Hortensio’s door beating the shit out of his own servantover a fucking syntactical errorand Hortensio is like yo broI called you here because I know you will fuck anything with moneyand i found a chick with SO MUCH MONEY who no one else will fuckand Petruchio is like SIGN ME UP I DON’T EVEN GIVE A FUCKand Hortensio is like man alsoI really want to bang Baptista’s other daughter Biancaso when you go to try and hook up with KatherinaI am going to disguise myself as a music teacherand then I want you to present me to Baptistaand he will present me to Biancaand I will present Bianca WITH MY PENISand Petruchio is like GENIUSand then Gremio shows up like wassup guys I sure hope everyone is trying to win Bianca’s hand honestly like I amlook I brought a scholar who I am going to give to Baptistaas a kind of a bribe to get Bianca to bang meBUT PLOT TWIST GUYSTHE SCHOLAR HE HAS IS ACTUALLY LUCENTIOWHAAAAAT

so yeah then everyone shows up and gives completely unqualified teachers to Baptistaand Baptista accepts them totally unquestioninglyand also some books from Traniowho rememberis pretending to be Lucentioand is asking for Bianca’s hand in marriage even though NEITHER HE NOR THE REAL LUCENTIO HAVE EVER ACTUALLY MET HERYEP GUYS SHE MUST HAVE SOME GRAPPLING HOOKS FOR TITS BECAUSE IT DOESN’T TAKE MUCH TO MAKE DUDES TRY AND GET UP ONS

but then Katherina shows upand everyone’s like oh shit here comes the bitchstorm and they leaveexcept for Petruchio who’s like AWRIGHT LESS DO DISand then he and Katherina prepare to have the most EPIC RAP BATTLE OF ALL TIMEit’s so epic you really had to be therethe closest I can come to rendering it in its original form is:KATE: YOU’RE A STOOLPETRUCHIO: SIT ON MY FACEKATE: I’M TOO FATPETRUCHIO: YOU’RE A BEE! BUZZZZZ.KATE: YOU’RE A BUZZ. A BUZZ-ARD! ZING!PETRUCHIO: TURTLE!KATE: MORE BEES!PETRUCHIO: LET’S MAKE OUT!and then Kate smacks him

so obviously Petruchio decides that they need to get married on Sundayand everyone comes back into the room because the screaming has died downand Petruchio’s like GUESS WHAT GUYSWE’RE GETTING MARRIED ON SUNDAY!and Kate is like what the fucknoand Petruchio is like aw honey don’t be coyyou were totally into it when we were alone just a moment agoand Kate is like NO NO WHAT THE FUCK IS THISTHIS IS LIKE ONE OF THOSE NIGHTMARES WHERE NO ONE LISTENS TO YOUAND THEN YOU’RE NAKED AND SOMEONE HAS NAILED YOU TO A CUCUMBERand Petruchio is like that’s my Katherina alrightand for some reason no one sees any problem with thisand Petruchio goes off to get some clothes for the weddingand Kate freaks the fuck out and goes to her roomand then Gremio is like hey Baptistacan I marry your daughter?I’ve kinda been trying real hard for a long timeand it seems like it might finally work outand Tranio is like hey BaptistaI’ll pay you twice as much for your daughter as whatever Gremio paysand Baptista is like SOLDand Gremio is like aww

but so anyway then the real Lucentio is EXACTLY where he wants to bebut the problem isso is Hortensioalthough Hortensio manages to begin his tenure as music professorby getting a guitar broken over his head by Katherinaso okay she’s kind of a huge bitch but she is also a born rockstarbut then immediately after that Hortensio and Lucentio(Lucentio’s codename is Cambio by the way)are bitching each other out over who gets to tutor Bianca firstand bianca’s all GUYSGUYSI’M A GROWN-ASS WOMANI CAN PICK MY TUTORS MYSELFso cambio gets to teach me greek right nowwhile the music teacher guy tunes his instrumentand Lucentio’s like YESSSSS

so Hortensio goes to tune his violin or whatever it isand Lucentio and Bianca go over to the other side of the stageand Lucentio starts translating latin to heronly he’s not translating latinhe’s just saying latinand then saying whatever the fuck he wants afterwardsall like LOREM IPSUM DOLOR SIT AMETI AM LUCENTIO AND CAN WE BANG YET?and Hortensio’s all HEY I’M DONE TUNINGand Bianca’s like YOU STILL SOUND LIKE SHITTUNE THAT SHIT SOME MOREand then she’s like LOREM IPSUM DOLOR SIT AMETWHO THE FUCK ARE YOU WE’VE NEVER EVEN METand Lucentio is like oh man i’ll change that around real soonand Hortensio is like SERIOUSLY I’M DONE TUNINGand then he starts giving Bianca a lessonand tries the SAME BULLSHIT BUT WITH MUSICand Bianca is having none of italthough I imagine this whole thing is another HUUUUGE boost to her egobasically the upshot of it is no one gets laid and Hortensio and Lucentio both suspect each other of doing EXACTLY WHAT THEY’RE DOINGso that’s cool

NOW IT IS SUNDAY ALL OF A SUDDENeveryone is waiting for Petruchio to show upbut he’s not thereand then his shitty servant shows up like oyPetruchio is on his waybut uhyou’re not gonna like ithe’s kind of dressed like a trashbag covered in vomit and povertyand Baptista is like WHAT THE FUCK NO WAYand then here comes Petruchiolooking like he drove a bargain dumptruck through the ugly storethen ran himself over with the truckand everyone is like DUDE PLEASE BORROW MY CLOTHESDON’T GET MARRIED LOOKING LIKE THISPLEASE DUDE BE REASONABLEand Petruchio is like REASONABLE?HAVE I EVEREVERDONE ANYTHING TO SUGGEST THAT I AM A REASONABLE PERSON?COME ON TOOTS LET’S GET MARRIEDand then he marries Katherinawho is understandably upset about everything that is happeningand then immediately after the wedding Petruchio is like OK WELL THAT WAS NICENOW WE ARE LEAVINGSAY GOODBYE TO YOUR FAMILY KATHERINA OH TOO LATE HERE WE GOand Katherina is like hey whoa fuck nowe’re stayingand Petruchio is like hmNOPEand then he just kind of drags her away with himand thus begins an all-out campaign of intense psychological warfareconducted by Petruchio on his new wifelike on the way back to his placehe knocks over Kate’s horsethen beats his servant for letting it fall overallowing the horse to remain on his wifethen they walk home through the snow and Petruchio immediately starts screamingat EVERYTHINGscreaming and hitting people and flinging food everywherehe is just such a perfect bastardthat there is literally no time left over for Katherina to be a bitchplus Petruchio is starving her and depriving her of sleepliterally he is doing things that are specifically banned in the geneva conventionpretty surehe straight WILL NOT GIVE HER MEATand he sits up every nightso that whenever she falls asleep he can just start SCREAMING UNTIL SHE WAKES UPTHIS IS STRAIGHT HORRIFIC TORTURETHIS IS NOT A COMEDY ANYMORE THIS IS FUCKING TERRIFYING

Meanwhile back in MantuaHortensio has gone to Tranio(who he still thinks is Lucentio)to tattle on the real Lucentio for being all over Biancaso they go and spy on Lucentioand he’s totally laying the charm on as thick as extra chunky peanut butterthe peanut butter of LOVEand Hortensio is like look at thatlook at all that love butterthat’s disgustingI can’t believe I was ever into that chickDude Lucentiolet’s make a dealI will promise to never bang Biancaif you make me the same promiseand Tranio is like YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEALHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAby the way I keep really wanting to write Tranio’s name as Trainobut anyway then Hortensio goes off to try and marry some rich widowand Lucentio’s servant shows up like HEYI GOT A GUY WHO CAN FRAUDULENTLY IMPERSONATE YOUR DADI DON’T REMEMBER WHY WE NEED THAT BUT I GOT ITand Traino is like SWEETTIME TO DO MORE SHIFTY BULLSHITand he goes and convinces this old dude to pretend to be Lucentio’s dad Vincentio

meanwhile Katherina is trying really hard to get some foodshe is starving to death and the sleep deprivation doesn’t help eithergod this is just an orgy of horrorlet’s talk about something else

so Baptista shows up to Lucentio’s houseand Tranio is there with the old dude pretending to be his dadall like YEAH TOTALLY LUCENTIO CAN DEF MARRY BIANCAFINE BY MEand Baptistawho you may have noticedis INSANELY GULLIBLEis like sweet let’s do it tomorrowseriously you could make a shit sandwichjust bread and shitand you could give it to Baptista and be like hey BaptistaI made you a sandwichI can vouch for this sandwichyou should put it in your mouthand he’d be like YES SIR IMMEDIATELY WHAT COULD GO WRONG

okay now we HAVE to cut back to Kate and Petruchiothere’s plot stuff going onbecause now they’re headed back to Mantuaalong with Hortensio (who is hoping Petruchio will teach him to brutally dominate HIS new wife)and they’re riding along and Petructio is like BOYWHAT A BEAUTIFUL FULL MOON WE GOT GOING ON TONIGHTand Kate is like dude what the fuck it’s like 10AMand Petruchio is like WRONG BITCHWRONGWHAT TIME IS ITand Kate is like 10AMand Petruchio is like WRONG AGAINGUESS WHAT TITS MCGEEWE ARE NOT GOING A STEP CLOSER TO YOUR HOME AND FAMILY UNTIL YOU AGREE IT’S NIGHTand Kate is like ok fine it’s 10PMand Petructio is like BZZZZT WRONGGGGIT’S 10AM TWANKSHANKS ARE YOU FUCKING BLINDand Kate is like FUCK FINE WHATEVERWHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO SAYI WILL SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT I DON’T EVEN CARE ANYMOREI HAVEN’T SLEPT IN WEEKS AND I THINK I AM DEADand Petruchio is like NOW WE’RE TALKIN’and then they run into the actual Vincentio on the way to mantuawhich just adds another wrinkle to the venerable penis that is this fucking plot

so then they all arrive in Mantuaand Lucentio has just run off to go get secretly married to Biancaor likesort of secretly marriedI mean it was Lucentio who Baptista agreed to let marry his daughterand now it is Lucentio who has snuck over to the church in the middle of the nightwhere the priest is waiting for himand some witnesses alsoand marrying Biancahonestly I don’t know why the whole thing with the fake dad and Traino was necessaryprobably just for laughsbut anyway while Lucentio is getting married Petruchio and Kate and Hortensio and the REAL Vincentioall show up to Lucentio’s houseand they’re like OYWHERE LUCENTIO ATand the old dude pretending to be Vincentio sticks his head out the window likeSHUT THE FUCK UP GO AWAYand Vincentio is like BUT I’M HIS DADand the old dude is like NO MEand then Traino shows up like oh shit we’re fuckedbetter continue the charade for as long as possibleso he starts yelling at Vincentio like YO OLD MAN STOP PRETENDING TO BE MY DADand Vincentio is like TRANIO YOU AREN’T EVEN MY SON WHAT ARE YOU DOINGso Tranio calls the cops and has Vincentio arrestedand then Lucentio shows up with Baptista and Bianca like dudes chill outI married Bianca everything is finelet me explain the thick syrup of lies I have been feeding everyone for weeksand Baptista and Vincentio are like well shitI guess that works outstill gonna beat the shit out of Triano though

so but then everyone has dinner together and parties it up hardeven the widow Hortensio married shows upshe’s a huge bitch to him and he has no idea what to do about itand then she gets into a fight with Katherina and they almost murder each otherand all the dudes are like CAT FIGHT CAT FIGHT YESSSSbut then Bianca steps in and gets them to calm down and leave the room to talk it outand then she leaves tooand then all the dudes start giving Petruchio shit for marrying the ultrabitchand Petruchio is like orly?I bet I’ve brainwashed and abused her to the point where she is a good wifeand everyone is like OH YEAH?WANNA BET?and Petruchio is like surelet’s all send messengers to get our wivesand whichever one comes quickest, her husband gets 200 bucksand Lucentio and Hortensio are like AWW YISSso Lucentio sends a message for Biancaand the messenger comes back like SHE’S BUSYand then Hortensio sends a messenger for the widowand the messenger is all SHE SAYS YOU SHOULD COME TO HERand then Petruchio sends his messageand INSTANTLY Kate is in the room like yes sir what do you want sir don’t starve meand Petruchio is like FETCH THE OTHER WIVESso she gets themand then she delivers a lecture on the importance of obedient wivesand all the men give Petruchio a round of applausewhile he insults his wife’s hatANOTHER VICTORY FOR FEMINISM

so the moral of the storyis if you’ve been striking out with the ladies a lot recentlymaybe it’s because you’re not using enough deceit and torture

oh hey so first of allthank you to everyone who did guest myths during the guest (more than a) weekyou made it possible for me to get my shit together in a whole different cityand I have friends now and an apartment so you guys rockalso you guys who read this piece of shitall of you warm the cockles of my hearthehe cockles

alright so I liked retelling hamlet so much that I am on a shakespeare kick nowhere’s one about a whole cornucopia of idiots

alright so there’s this king Theseus rightOH SHIT THESEUSyou remember him right?he’s that rompin’ stompin’ womanizing dick train from greecefuck that describes pretty much every greek hero and also zeusanyway this play we’re about to talk about takes place in Athens right after Theseus has stolen Hyppolita from the Amazonsand right before he ditches her to fuck some other chick and she kills herself at his weddingso basically the play takes place in a relatively rare sweet spotwhere Theseus is not being an assholeMOVING ON

so Theseus and Hippolyta are about to get married rightbut their premarital bliss is totally getting buzzkilled by some asshole Egeuswho is bitching about his daughter Hermiaand how she refuses to marry some prick Demetriusand then Hermia busts in yelling about how Demetrius is a total prickcause up until like a week ago he was all into this other broad Helenaand also cause she herself is totally tits over nipples for this other dude Lysanderwho is also mega into her tits and nipplesand no one is interested in this Helena chick at alleven though Helena is practically tripping over her tits trying to get at Demetrius so basically the central problem of this play is that Hermia is way hotter than Helena

but so yeah Theseus is bored of listening to everyone bitchso he’s like ALRIGHTI’M GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW GUYSIF EVERYONE DOESN’T FIGURE OUT WHO THEY’RE MARRYING BY THENEVERYBODY DIESand then he leavesso then Hermia goes to her sexbiscuit Lysanderall like Lysander heyshit’s fucked upand Lysander’s like well you know what they saywhen the going gets toughthe tough elopeseriously I have an aunt in the next town she’ll buy us beer and everythingOH YEAH I FORGOTEVERYONE IS LIKE FIFTEEN IN THIS PLAY

so anyway then later Hermia runs into her main chick Helenayou knowthe ugly oneand she’s like yo helename and my boytoy Lysander bout to elope tonighthopefully once Demetrius realizes my vagina’s too far away he’ll settle for yoursgood luck!and then she leavesand Helena is like CURSE HER HIGH CHEEKBONESI CAN’T STAND TO SEE ANYONE HAPPY WHEN I AM SO UGLY ALL THE TIMEI KNOWI’LL SHIT IN EVERYONE’S MILK BY TELLING DEMETRIUS ABOUT THE WHOLE PLANso she doesand Demetrius is like WELL BUTTER MY NUTSACKTHIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR RUNNING INTO THE FOREST BRANDISHING A SWORDseriously nowwho is the dipshit responsible for passing out swords to all these fucking tweens?

but anyway then it’s night time and everyone is in the forestno one is enjoying themselves even a little bit except for one dude but we’ll get to him laterright now what we are concerned with is some fucking faeriesthey are called Oberon and Titania and they are supposed to be the king and queen(of faeries)but right now they are having a shit-fit over one of Oberon’s prepubescent boytoysit doesn’t even matter whythe point is Titania has him and won’t give him backand Oberon is being a petulant numbnuts and stomping his feet a lotand then Titania leaves and he comes up with this planwith the help of the one dude who is consistently having a good time:PuckAka Robin GoodfellowAka the main driving force between all of the action in the fucking playin Sandman Neil Gaiman portrays Puck as this like terrifying tricksterbut honestly he seems more like someone who never bothered to learn competencebecause he finds his incompetence fucking hilariousanyway Oberon is like YO PUCKTHERE’S SOME REALLY DANGEROUS FLOWERS CHILLING IN THESE WOODSIF YOU RUB THEM ON PEOPLE’S EYES WHILE THEY ARE ASLEEPTHEY WILL BE ALL HOT FOR THE FIRST THING THEY SEE WHEN THEY WAKE UPWE ARE GOING TO MAKE TITANIA FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMETHING REALLY GROSSIT WILL BE HILARIOUS

so puck goes off to pick some sexflowersand meanwhile Oberon gets to watch Helena chasing Demetrius through the woodswhile Demetrius chases Lysander and Hermiapresumably intending to kill themoh and i guess now would be a good time to mention that everyone in this play speaks in coupletsso when Helena is chasing Demetrius it sounds something likeIT’S HARD TO RUN AND STILL BE SEXYI LOVE A MAN WHO WON’T RESPECT MEand then Demetrius is allGET OFF MY NUTS YOU SCABBY HONOW WHERE’D THAT TWAT LYSANDER GO?and so on and so forth until Demetrius kicks Helena in the head and runs away

so Oberon is watching all of thisand one of his super powers is meddlingso when Puck gets back with all the sexyflowershe’s like yo dudenew planI’m still gonna go put plant jizz all over my wife’s eyesbut now I ALSO want you to do it to this Athenian guy I foundhe needs to fall in love with this ugly chick because why the fuck notso Oberon goes off to massage his wife’s eyeballs with love juiceand meanwhile puck goes to find some Athenian dudeMEANWHILE here come Lysander and Hermiabeing all lovey dovey and making me sickbut also being super lost and pretty incompetentnow see if this was a horror movie this is the part where they would start making outand then Lysander would get stabbed in the brain by an evil shovel zombiebut nooooinstead they gotta be all proper about shitand go to sleep like ten feet apartbecause they’re not married yet and THAT SIMPLY ISN’T DONE(this is Hermia’s idea by the wayLysander is all for a little premarital hoinko boinko)so here comes Puck riding the fuck you bus straight through forest towneand he’s like WHOA HERE’S SOME CHICK SLEEPING REAL FAR FROM SOME DUDECLEARLY THIS IS THE DUDE OBERON WANTED ME TO PRANKalthough actually this chick is not ugly at allshe has tits like silicone torpedoesbut oh well whatevernot like whatever happens won’t be FUCKING HILARIOUS anyway

so he anoints Lysander’s eyes with the love potionand then here comes Demetrius and Helenaand Demetrius is like BITCH GET AWAY FROM MEand Helena is like I’LL SUCK YOUR DICK FOR FREEbut Demetrius is havin’ none of ithe just runs away leaving Helena in the clearing with the sleeping Lysander and his sidekick Hermiaand she’s like LYSANDER LYSANDER PLEASE BE AWAKEand Lysander’s like THERE’S A FIRE IN MY LOINS AND YOUR COOCH IS A LAKEand Helena is like whoa dude that’s pretty impoliteand Lysander is like I WANNA BANG YOU ALLLLLLL NIGHTand Helena is like dude we aren’t rhyming anymore I am seriously creeped outand Lysander is like I WOULD DESCRIBE ALL THE THINGS I WANNA DO TO YOUBUT THAT SHIT WOULD GET BLEEPED OUTand Helena is like fuck this i’m out of hereand she runs away and Lysander chases herand then Hermia wakes up like what the fuck where’s my man atand then SHE runs away looking for Lysanderand from here on out shit is officially fucked up

SO CUT TO SOME CONSTRUCTION WORKERS REHEARSING A PLAY IN THE WOODSand if you thought everyone else in this play was idiotslemme let you in on a little secret, sugartitsthese characters right here are written with the SPECIFIC AND EXCLUSIVE PURPOSEof being being the most elite paratroopers of stupidity every to drop out of the moron hatchthey are:Peter Quince, the carpenterSnug, the JoinerFrancis Flute, the Bellows-menderRobin Starveling, the tailorTom Snout, the tinkererand NICK BOTTOM THE WEAVERguysif there was every any doubt that it was shakespeare who wrote these playsinstead of some fancy rich asshole with too much time on his handsNICK BOTTOM THE WEAVER is all the proof you needto convince you that no educated person would be caught dead near this theatrical clusterfuckso lemme get this straightyou’re writing a play set in athensyour characters are named things like TheseusHelenaand NICK BOTTOM THE WEAVERthat’s like if you wrote a play set in the stone age with a bunch of cavemenand one of them was named PROFESSOR MCBUTTS THE ASTROPHYSICISTactually could someone please write that play

but anyway speaking of plays these guys are performing onesomehow they got their hands on a copy of the script for pyramus and thisbyi don’t know why anyone would sell a script to these idiots but they didand now everyone is trying to figure out what parts they will playand Nick Bottom the Weaver has already got it all figured outyou see Nick Bottom the Weaver is going to play EVERY PARTbut Peter Quince is pretty used to dealing with the fucking Diva festival that is Bottomso he convinces bottom to just settle for the lead role: Pyramusand so bottom happily proceeds to not memorize any of the lines and yell a lotmeanwhile everyone else gets cast as other stuffbut it doesn’t matter because it’s all going to get changed around laterwhen they decide they need actors playing the parts of all the inanimate objects in the playin fact the rest of the seen is spent fucking the entire script to deathlike OH FUCK EVERYONE IS GONNA THINK THE LION IS REALBETTER SPEND TEN MINUTES EXPLAINING THAT IT ISNTALSO WE NEED SOMEONE TO PLAY THE WALLBETWEEN PYRAMUS AND THISBY’S HOUSESAND UHHOW ABOUT THE MOON?WE DON’T HAVE ANYONE PLAYING THE MOON YETalso bottom still really wants to play the lion but that ship has sailedand then to top it all offPuck shows up and puts the final nail in the coffin by showing up during the dress rehearsaland turning Bottom’s head into an ASS’S HEADHAHA ASS MEANS BUTT AND SO DOES BOTTOMDO YOU GET IT?IF NOT THAT’S OKAYBECAUSE SHAKESPEARE’S GONNA BEAT THAT DEAD HORSE FOR 50 MORE PAGESoh yeah and then all of Bottom’s friends run awaybecause really they were looking for an excuse to ditch that guyand then he runs into Titaniawho rememberhas gotten lovejuice massaged into her eyeballs by her petulant child-raping husbandand she wakes up and she’s like OH MAN SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR DISGUSTING FACEREALLY TURNS ME ONHEREHAVE SOME SLAVES AND ALSO MY AFFECTIONso everything works out pretty well for Bottom and basically no one else

OKAY CUT BACK TO THE HORNY TEENS CHASING EACH OTHER IN THE DARKor actually cut back to Puck and Oberon laughing about how they just pranked Titaniaalthough just to clarify guysthis was NOT PUCK’S PLAN AT ALLhe just saw some dudes and he was like man you know what would be greatis if that guy had a DONKEY HEADand then Bottom just happened to run into Titania later and everything worked out perfectlywhat did i tell you about Puck being fantastically incompetent?and then Oberon is like hey so did you make that athenian dude fall in love with that chick like i said?and puck is like yeah totallyoh look here they come right nowbut it’s not themit’s Hermia getting chased by Demetriusand Hermia is screaming at Demetrius tryin to find out where Lysander’s atand Demetrius is like HOW ABOUT WE JUST FUCK AND FORGET ABOUT ITand Hermia is like EW HOW ABOUT I KILL MYSELFand Demetrius is like HOW ABOUT I KILL LYSANDERand Hermia is like YOU’D HAVE TO FIND HIM FIRST and Oberon is like PUCK GOD DAMMIT WHAT DID YOU DOand Puck is like I don’t know but it sure is hilariousand then Hermia runs away and leaves Demetrius alone in the woodsand Demetrius is so overcome with grief that he falls asleepand Oberon is like alright Puckdude’s asleep right in front of usgo fix this shitand Puck’s like sure why notso he rubs lovejuice on Demetrius’s face

now at this point the relationship dynamics in this play may seem a little complicatedso i have devised a handy chart for keeping track of who wants to bang whoobserve:

okay so yeah Demetrius has got lovejuice all over his eyesand in comes Helena getting chased by Lysander and Helena is all like STOP CHASING ME I’M GETTING TIREDand Lysander is like MY DICK’S SO HARD I’M FULLY WIREDGIRL I WANT YOU TO HAVE MY SONand Demetrius wakes up like YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONEand Helena’s like HA HA GUYS THAT’S VERY FUNNYand Demetrius is like NOT AS FUNNY AS MY COCK, HONEYand Lysander’s like what the fuck is that supposed to meanand Demetrius is like what do you THINK it means?and Lysander’s like MAKE MEand then they’re about to beat the shit out of each otherand HERMIA shows uplike THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE THESE WOODS ARE WEIRDand Lysander’s like BITCH I WOULDN’T USE YOUR PUBES TO WIPE MY BEARDand Helena is like don’t mind him hermia he is just trying to prank me by pretending to be in love with megod this is like high school all over againalso Demetrius is doing the same thingand Helena is like GOD DAMMIT LYSANDER STOP PRANKING HERand Lysander is like BITCH I AIN’T PRANKING SHITGET AWAY FROM MEand Demetrius is like NO YOU GET AWAY FROM MEI AM GONNA BANG HELENA AND NO ONE CAN STOP MEand Helena is like guys this prank is really hurting my feelingsand Hermia is like YOUR feelings?they both want to bang youwhat about MY feelings?I am not gonna get shown up by some short tall ugly bitchand Helena is like WHO YOU CALLIN UGLY YOU FUCKIN MIDGETand instead of standing back and watching the catfight unfold like real menmaybe providing some jelloDemetrius and Lysander start doing the SAME SHITall insulting each other and about to fight or whateverand everyone keeps calling Hermia shortbecause i guess it’s the one flaw anyone can find with her PERFECT GODDAMN BODYand basically no one is happy at allexcept for Puckwho is sitting in a tree with some popcornlaughinghisass off

so Demetrius and Lysander decide they need to run off into the woodsto have the ULTIMATE PISSING CONTEST for Helena’s loveand Hermia is like NO GUYS COME BACK AND PAY ATTENTION TO MEand Lysander is like LET GO OF ME SHORTY SHORT SHORTPANTSand he runs awayand Hermia is like HELENA YOU TOWERING BITCH I’M GONNA CUT YOUand Helena is like YOU MAY HAVE A KNIFE BUT MY LEGS ARE LONGER THAN YOURSI’M GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HEREso she sprints away

so Oberon goes up to puck and he’s like hey puckand puck’s like yeah?and Oberon is like what the fuck did you do Puck?and Puck’s like man I did exactly what you told me to doand Oberon’s like fair enoughso uhwanna go fix it?and Puck’s like sure bossso he goes into the woods where Demetrius and Lysander are chasing each otherand he pretends to be both of them until they both run into trees trying to find himand pass outand then he puts MORE LOVE POTION on Lysander’s eyesand then Helena and Hermia show up and they fall asleep there toojesus does everyone have narcolepsy in this play?

meanwhile Bottom is getting the royal treatmentbut then Puck shows up and dispells the love potion that’s on Titaniaand then Titania is like EWW WHAT THE FUCK IS THISand then i guess she and Oberon get back togetherbecause all it took was for Oberon to prank his wife real good one timeand everything worked itself out

so meanwhile the sun comes upand Theseus and Hippolyta come waltzing through the woodsand they pretty much trip over these four sleeping idiot tweensand they’re like YO KIDSWAKE YO ASSES UPand everyone wakes up and is in love with the right peoplelike Lysander is in love with Hermiaand Demetrius is in love with Helenaand everyone gets married IMMEDIATELYand then at the wedding receptionBottom and co show up to perform the shittiest version of Pyramus and Thisby everI won’t bother to tell you the story because I already told it to you MONTHS AGObut suffice to say everyone is severely incompetentand none of the people watching the play let anyone say two lines in a rowwithout interrupting and being total dicks about itso that’s a good way to round things outand then everyone lives happily ever afterexcept probably Demetrius because he got pranked into marrying some ugly broad

so the moral of the storyis if you can’t bewith the one you loveget a fairy to anoint your eyes with flower spoogeyou’ll fall in love a goddamn air conditioning unit if you have to

Woo I’m backI still don’t have a houseI am staying in a place where at least two people offer to sell me blow per dayit’s great I am loving it a lothere is a story about a dumb idiot

okay so there’s this kid hamlet righthe’s real pissed because his uncle killed his dadand is now fucking his momwhy would you get pissed about something like thatit happens ALL THE TIMEoh yeah also his mom is the QUEEN OF DENMARKwhich makes hamlet’s uncle the KINGand also hamlet is the prince but he’s gonna die anyway so who caresactually everyone is gonna diespoilers

so basically the play opens with hamlet being real snippy to his stepdadand then his pal Horatiowhose job is to stoke Hamlet’s retard fires with plenty of idiot coalshows up all like HEY HAMLET COME HERE I SAW THE GHOST OF YOUR DADand hamlet is like BULLSHIT LEMME SEEOH SHIT THAT’S TOTALLY MY DAD’S GHOST OVER THEREHE’S TELLING ME TO KILL MY UNCLEGOOD THING I ALWAYS LISTEN WHEN GHOSTS TELL ME TO KILL PEOPLEguys when was the last time a ghost told you to do something constructivelike run the dishwasher or do yogai feel like ghosts only ever give bad advicebut whatever

so then hamlet wanders around for about several years(which translates into roughly 2 hours of your valuable real-life time)being crazy and not accomplishing anythingso it falls to the other characters to be interesting and do thingsENTER OPHELIAshe’s some chick Hamlet was trying to bang I guessbut the thing no one seems to realizeis hamlet is crazy and he doesn’t give a fuck about Ophelia even at allOphelia’s bro Laertes is all HEY OPHELIA BE SURE NOT TO FUCK HAMLETI FEEL LIKE HE IS PROBABLY CRAZY AND ALSO A TERRIBLE HUSBANDand Ophelia is like psh whatever broand then Ophelia’s dad Polonius immediately shows up like HEY OPHELIAHAVE YOU FUCKED HAMLET YET BECAUSE DON’TIN FACTLET’S BE ON THE SAFE SIDEHOW ABOUT NEVER SPEAK TO HAMLET EVER AGAINBE SURE TO OFFER NO EXPLANATION AT ALLTHAT’S A GOOD WAY TO TREAT CRAZY PEOPLEand Ophelia is like ok gosh fine ok dad

so meanwhile the King uncle dudewhose name is Claudius by the wayhits up some of Hamlet’s old bros named Rosencrantz and Guildensternwho I think shakespeare named specifically to fuck with my typing fingersand he’s like hey guysHamlet’s wandering around getting crazy all over my nice palacei’ll totally pay you to take him out for some beers and make him chill the fuck outand Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are like NO PROBLEM BROand OFF THEY GObut it turns out Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are not licensed psychiatristsand are thus TOTALLY USELESS WHEN DEALING WITH HAMLETwho is wandering around yelling about things like bodkins and dreams that comeand whether or not there are bees or somethingi don’t knowhe talks a lot and I think i fell asleep for a whilebut anyway finally he’s like oh manall this wandering around yelling about murdermade me TOTALLY FORGET about how i promised to murder my uncle like eighty pages agoi should probably get on thatbut how?OH I KNOWI’LL PRODUCE A PLAY ABOUT HOW MY UNCLE MURDERED MY DADgod dammit hamletwe are already in a play about how your uncle murdered your dadwhat are you doingwhat the fuck are you doingare you trying to piss me off?is this like the song that never endsexcept instead of songs it is fucking soliloquies about how you wish your flesh would melt off?but anyway yeah that’s his brilliant planhe wants to put on the play and if Claudius freaks out he’ll know he’s guiltyWAY TO DISTRUST YOUR GHOST DAD DICKWITIF A GHOST OF YOUR DAD SHOWS UP AND TELLS YOU WHO KILLED HIMYOU HAVE SOME PRETTY PRIME FUCKING EVIDENCE RIGHT THEREYOU DON’T NEED TO GO AROUND DOING SPEECHES AND CRYING AND WRITING PLAYSWHAT ARE YOU A FUCKING POET?IF YOU ARE THEN YOU SHOULDN’T BE WRITING PLAYS SHOULD YOU TWATBISCUITWELL I MEAN I GUESS SHAKESPEARE WAS A POETBUT YOU’RE NOT SHAKESPEARE ARE YOU ASSHOLEI MEAN YOU KIND OF ARE BECAUSE YOU ARE A SHAKESPEARE CHARACTERBUT LOOK JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP OK

but ok so meanwhilei guess hamlet like freaks out and pulls a really creepy move on Opheliawhere he just busts into her room and starts touching her face and shitnot saying anythingjust sitting theretouchingand so Ophelia goes to her dad like what the fuck do I do dadand Polonius is like oh shitI guess he was genuinely in love with you after allman my mistake for telling you to dump himWHAT?!NOTHAT IS NOT WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE GENUINELY IN LOVE WITH SOMEONETHAT IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE GENUINELY A CRAZY ASSHOLEbut that is not how things work in the glacially slow mind of professor retard(that is my clever nickname for Polonius)so he runs to Claudius and he’s like yoClaudiusI figured out why Hamlet’s being a crazy assholeit’s because of my daughterand Claudius is like YES OF COURSEIT COULDN’T POSSIBLY HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HOW I MURDERED HIS DAD AND FUCKED HIS MOMLET US ESTABLISH THIS BY SETTING UP A MEETING BETWEEN HAMLET AND OPHELIAAND THEN EAVESDROPPING ON ITwhy is everyone trying to establish shit all the timewhy aren’t they just manning up and killing each otherthat’s why we showed up to this play right?right.

so they set up this meeting between hamlet and opheliaand hamlet does the reasonable thing and treats her like shitand gets really excited about her becoming a nunI guess maybe it is a fetish for him or something?but yeah basically no one who is eavesdropping has any idea what the fuck this meansthey are failing to drop any substantial eaveslike they are letting eaves fly left and right but they are falling WAYYY WIDE OF THE MARKeaves all dropping on innocent bystandersmutilating their private fucking conversations

but okay so the play happensnot the play we’re already watchingthe play hamlet madeand hamlet is a really shitty audience member the entire timeyelling at everyone and asking for refills on his soda and throwing thingsin one version I saw he had a flashlight and he kept shining it in everyone’s eyesin another version Mel Gibson just started climbing everyone’s chairsthe point is Hamlet went through a lot of trouble to put on this playby which i mean he payed some dudes and then he yelled at them a littleand now here he is shitting directly into the center of itbut GUESS WHATHIS PLAN WORKSCLAUDIUS FREAKS THE FUCK OUT WITH GUILT AND RUNS OUT OF THE ROOMso Hamlet is like AT LAST I HAVE MY PROOFI KNOW WHAT I GOTTA DOI GOTTACONTINUE DOING MONOLOGUES FOR ANOTHER COUPLE HOURSYAYYYYYYYYYYYY

Meanwhile Claudius is in his room like oh fuck oh shit i am not going back to jailguys we gotta send Hamlet to England to chill out for a whileand Polonius is like GREAT IDEAyou know how we can make it an even better idea?get his mom to chill him the fuck outTHEN send him to Englandand I will make it even better by eavesdropping on their conversationI feel like I did not drop enough eaves earlierand Claudius is like sure why the hell nothey wife go solve my problems

so Gertrude hits up hamlet like yo sonand hamlet is like OH SHIT TIME TO SCREAM AND THREATEN VIOLENCEAAAAAAAAAAAA VIOLENCE VIOLENCE VIOLENCETHIS MEETING IS HAVING THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THE INTENDED EFFECTso then Poloniuswho is dropping mad eaves as discussedis all like GUARDS GUARDS GET IN HERE HAMLET IS GONNA CRAZY HIS MOM TO DEATHand Hamlet is like FUCK I ALMOST JUST TRIPPED OVER ALL THE EAVES GETTING DROPPED HEREBETTER STAB WHOEVER JUST SAID THATso he stabs polonius who proceeds to dieand hamlet has kind of thinks he is rats or maybe the kingor maybe the rat king from the nutcracker suite or somethingbut nopeit’s poloniuscaptain of the SS Dumbassand when Hamlet finds that out he is actually kind of sadso he responds to it like any of us wouldhe drags the body away and hides it in some stairs

so then comes the part of the play where everyone is trying to get hamlet to tell them where the body isand he is being a prick about itseriously likehe admits to everyone that he killed Poloniusand they’re like where’s the bodyand he’s like WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOWand then finally he tells themand Claudiuswho has really wanted to kill hamlet for a whileis like fuck dude now I pretty much HAVE to banish youRosencrantz and Guildenstern please to escort hamlet to Englandwith a note that says the king of england should kill himMY CLEVERNESS KNOWS NO BOUNDSoh PS Ophelia is crazy nowturns out having your dad stabbed by the same crazy asshole who’s trying to bone youis not conducive to mental healthso she walks around singing songs and not listening to anyone at alland then Laertes shows uphe was in France this whole time so he didn’t have to deal with Hamlet’s bullshitbut he’s sure as shit back nownow that his dad is dead and his sister is a full time resident of hotel crazyhe’s like what the fuck hamlethamletwhat the fuckI knew you were kind of a shitty guybut what are you even doingdid you spend your vast royal inheritance on a dump truckand then use all the time I was gone to fill it with your fecesand then at the appointed momentrelease it over the heads of everyone I know and/or love?THAT SEEMS LIKE WHAT YOU DID HAMLET

and then WHABAMHAMLET IS BACK BITCHESall like yeah what’s uptotally hitched a ride with some piratesalsoreplaced rosencrantz and guildenstern’s letter with a letter saying to kill themthat’s rightRosencrantz and Guildenstern are deadi feel like that is the name of some other playthat is much better than this onewhatevernow that I’m back I can FINALLY ENACT MY MASTER PLAN:STARING AT THIS SKULL I FOUND AND TALKING MOREHOLY SHITBALLS HAMLETSTOP TALKING AND FUCKING STAB SOMEONE ALREADY

but so meanwhile Claudius hears Hamlet is backbecause hamlet shows up at Polonius’s funeral and pisses everyone off by talkingso Claudius is like GOD DAMMIT ASSHOLE WHY WON’T YOU DIEand he convinces Laertes(who if you recallis really pissed off at Hamlet)to have a friendly duel with himthat just happens to involve a poison-tipped swordand also a cup full of poison in case the sword missesbasically there is just gonna be poison all over the placeand then while they’re planning this someone walks in like heyOphelia drowned by the wayapparently she had the kind of crazy that makes you bad at swimmingand Laertes is like HAMLETSERIOUSLY

so they have their duelpretty sure hamlet does some more talking first but whateverthe point is they have a duelafter shaking hands and promising not to be mad at each otherand Hamlet is just beating the shit out of Laertesnot even getting stabbed with any poison at allso Claudius is like HEY DUDE GOOD JOBDRINK THIS CUP OF POISON TO CELEBRATEand Gertrude is like HEY I LIKE POISON LEMME GET AT THATand Claudius is like wait no that’s not for you aww shitand Laertes is like well shiteverything is fucked nowbetter be a cheater and stab hamlet a couple timesso he doesand hamlet is like OW FUCKLEMME TAKE YOUR SWORD AND STAB YOU BACKand Laertes is like HAMLETHAMLET DO YOU EVER STOP SUCKINGSERIOUSLY THIS IS BOWLING BALL THROUGH A GARDEN HOSE LEVEL SUCKINGand then he diesand Hamlet is like well fuckI have a sword with poison all over itmy mom and one of my best bros are both deadthe king is right herewhy not stab him a couple times?so he doesand the king is like ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?I HAD THREE GREAT PLANS FOR KILLING YOUTHREEYOU KNOW HOW MANY PLANS YOU HAD?NONEYOU STABBED ME JUST NOW BECAUSE I HAPPENED TO BE IN THE ROOM WITH A POISON SWORDIT’S NOT EVEN YOUR SWORDIT’S NOT EVEN YOUR POISONNOT EVEN YOUR ROOM COME TO THINK OF ITWHAT THE FUCK HAMLETSERIOUSLY

so then hamlet is dying from the poison obviouslyso he lies down like OH DANG I AM DYINGTIME TO MAKE MORE SPEECHESand Horatio is like shhh shhh it’s okno one wants to hear you talk anymoreno one ever wanted to hear you talkand then hamlet diesand then the king of Norway shows up like WELPUHFINDERS KEEPERS?

so the moral of the storyis if you are trying to kill someoneyou should try just stabbing them immediatelysoliloquies do not help with thisbut on the other handif what you are trying to do is get revenge on someonemaybe subjecting them to two hours of interminable gibberishand then accidentally killing them at the last possible momentis the PERFECT plan

Are you ready to get your humor glands brutalized by Jason “Comedy Pugilist” Nelson? TOO LATE HERE HE COMES!

hey guysthis is not-Myth-Guysince actual-myth-guy is moving to Chicagohere to tell you a story college taught meabout Socrates and a cave

So the story starts with Socrates telling a storyabout how ignorant people areand how smart he is in comparison.Seriously, Socrates is all about the mental masturbationthrowing his philosophical horndog a bonechoking his thought monkeysqueezing his brooding wormflying his meditative cloud 9Okay so you get the point, Socrates like to talkJust wanted to put that out there as it’s his thing

So the story starts in a dank ass-cavedank as in grungy and unpleasantnot dank as in good like some people use itThere are people in this cavechained to the cave walls as prisonersso that they constantly have to face one wall of the cavetheir arms, legs, and head face in one directionGuysthis story isn’t going to make much more sensejust a warningSo these prisoners are the normal people of society in this allegoryBehind these prisoners is a big bon firenever explained whyI guess it’s just to taunt the prisonersAlso behind the prisoners is a raised walkwaywhere people walk back and forth, carrying things on their head.Now, who these people are that placed them here,why the people are imprisoned,and why people would spend their time walking back and forthwith “figures of men and animals” made of wood and stone,I dunnoI guess I’d be bored too, looking after some prisoners staring at a wall

So the people, not having a whole lot to do with their time,and I guess having been imprisoned like this since birth,Watch the shadows being projected onto the wall they’re looking atnot knowing that they’re shadowsand rather beliving they are the real dealand the echoes of the people walking on the raised walkway to be real sounds instead of echoesThey have their own little competitions over who can guess what sound/shape will be seen nextbecause what else are you going to do in this situationplay pokemon?I don’t even know how these guys would learn how to talkmuch less understand that Charizard is the best pokemon

So at some point, someone gets released from the shackelsNo mention as to whyI think the guards got bored, and wanted to fuck around with this guySo this guy, understandably, looks around after being unshackledAnd doesn’t think the objects he sees are real, since he’d only seen shadows beforeAnd is blinded by the fire when he looks at itLike “What the fuckwhy is that so brightmy eyes are explodingI don’t even know what an explosion isFuck”And the guards force him outside to the surface, into the sunlightgiggling like little school childrenBecause they’re massive dicks who are easily entertained by a blind man wandering around aimlesslySocrates never mentions who these guards are in this allegorybut I like to imagine it’s Socrates and his buddies“enlightening” the poor peopleBecause see, the light is a metaphor for truthbecause the truth is hidden from direct exposure to the general populaceand the truth hurts to look atIt’s like learning that Santa isn’t realunless you haven’t found that out yetin which case don’t read that last lineabout how Santa isn’t real

So this guy on the surface is wandering around, looking into the shadows because that hurts lessunderstandably pissed about being “enlightened”then he starts looking at reflections in the waterAnd he starts to understand what color isand then at actual stuffslowly realizing just how stupid he and the prisoners have been for not recognizing that the shadows aren’t realuntil he finally decides to look directly at the sunand he wonders “What’s that bright thing in the skythat is currently melting my eyeballs?”and decides that it is the “source of the seasons and the years”(even though he shouldn’t know what a season or what a year is)and basically is where truth comes from

So this guys is feeling all smart nowLike some college freshman out of Philosophy 101And really wants to tell his cave buddies what is actually realso he can have sex with the impressionable young college-age womentelling them about how it would maximize both of their utilities if they did itUsing words like “propiniquity” or “fecundity”(By the way that doesn’t work)Anyway he goes back to the cavelike “sup guysDid you know that those things are shadowsand not real things?”But instead of instantly getting bunny hunnythe people are like“Oh really?What’s that thing then?”as they point to a shadow

Because the guy has been acclimated to the sunlight,he can’t see worth shit in thereand so the chained people make fun of him and don’t believe himthinking his eyes are brokenno poontang for the enlightened one

So this whole story is basically about how Socrates has seen the lightand anyone who doesn’t agree with him are just un-enlightenedmaking it that much harder to argue with himHow unexpected

So the moral of this story isdon’t bother looking at the lightbecause Socrates is always better than youThe End

If Jason has a website I don’t know about it. Or I forgot. But probably he just doesn’t have one.

And to close this magnificent guest week we have the deliriously ill mythical stylings of Jesse “Fistzilla” Castaldi. Oh wait I lied this does not close the guest week there is going to be one more on Saturday.

Guess whatI bet you thought you knew allll about Helen and Parisand that whole asshole murderfest a.k.a. the Trojan Warwell UNEXPECTED PLOT TWISTthis myth calls bullshit on Homerit’s all about Egyptand one gold thirsty pharaohand one gullible pharaohand magic hot ladies made out of cloudsso the whole Helen disaster began with Paris when he got a little tit-dazzled by Hera and Athena and Aphrodite and inconveniently picked Helen as his prizeand Aphrodite was like FUCK REALLYFINE here’s Helenhave fun with your stupid warI’ll be back later to save your assbut bye for nowand gullible Paris sails homewardand that’s where we leave Homer’s versionMEANWHILE IN EGYPTPharoah Seti is chilling out in the royal city of Memphisprobably sitting on goldin a gold palaceeating some gold covered foodthinking hmmm what new thing will I tax todaybecause let me tell youEgypt is fucking full of goldand do you know whyTAXES IS WHYthey tax the shit out of everythinggold gold everywhere goldfrom beautiful delicious taxesand one day a foreign ship sails up the Nileand docks by the Shrine of Hershefwhich is like home base when you play tagexcept in Egypt LIFE IS TAGare you a slave?get your freedom at the shrinepursued by enemies?chill at the shrine and you’ll be protectednot really clear how Egyptian society continues to functionwhen this shrine is aroundwouldn’t you be going there all the damn timebut knowing Egypt there is probably a tax on shrine visits or freedomor somethinganyway the ship sails upand the entire crew just falls the fuck over themselves fleeing into the shrineall THIS SHIP SUCKSSSSSSSSSSSSand the whole thing looks suspiciously like a taxable situation to Pharaoh Setiso he commands they come to his palace and explainbecause for some reasonescaping a hellish life of servitude aboard a Trojan warshipis not considered a solid excuseso the sailors start kissing some ass pretty quickbitching and moaning about how they don’t want to work anymorebecause their captain is the ultimate bad houseguestand while he was visiting another kingdomhe abducted the king’s wife and a bunch of treasurebut mainly he stole the chick because he wanted to be kingand they are just too moral to work for such an assholeit has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with being warship slavesnopeand then Poseidon blew them off course on the way homeallll the way to Egyptand then the ship’s captain is like listen IT’S ME PARISALLOW ME TO TELL YOU SOME SHITTY LIEShe says nooooo pharaoh they’ve got it all wrongmy sailors are a bunch of tattletale babiesit’s all coolI won Helen’s hand fairly and legallyand my delicious boatload of treasureis also totally legit mineand Troy and Sparta are totally brosat peace forever and ever yayand the sailors are like LIAReveryone knows Helenbecause she is supernaturally hotshe is a daughter of Zeushey Pharaoh did you knowZeus is like your god Amon Reand the royal court of Egyptians is like yes yes we seewe too know of Helenthis is an inspired momentof cross-cultural ass-lickinglet me tell youand Seti is like yes yesParis do go on with more liesand Paris is like wellokay yes maybe I took Helenbut she basically begged me to abduct herbut Seti is like I’m just fucking with you Parisyou are a pretty shitty liaryou’ve already told me two conflicting storiesclearly your gods hate youand also your sailors were pretty smart mentioning the whole shitty houseguest thingbecause this is a big fucking deal here in Egypteveryone knows only hosts get to steal from guestsexcept we call it taxeswhy don’t you chill in my guesthouse for a bitNO FAIR STEALING ANY TREASURE IN THEREwhile I go check out Helen’s side of the storyand inspect your boat for tasty goldalso ps tell your sailors now they have to worship Hershef for lifehaha home base in Egypt is not all it’s cracked up to beso the pharaoh visits Helenwho is chilling in another shrinethe shrine of Hathorand Helen tells her sob storyabout how Paris tricked her into leaving Menelausand she begs the pharaoh to protect herweeping and moaning the whole bitexcept this being Helenshe manages to weep so epicallythat the ruby in her necklaceweeps tears of blood in sympathy with her divine hotnessit’s not clear whether Seti agrees to protect herbecause of the hotness and the weeping gemstonesor because he knows he is going to get a boatload of gold out of thisliterallya boatloadbut he agreesHelen can stayParis must gominus his goldbut Seti is not content to just kick Paris out of Egypthe has a planand that plan is PRAYINGso Seti tells the high priestess of the temple of Hathor to start prayingand BAM here comes Thoth,personal messenger of Amon-ReThoth is all hey guys what’s upit’s me HermesI mean ThothI mean same deal rightHelen your dad Zeus says hiokay so listen upI can help you with this bullshitZeus or Amon-Ra or whatever told meto take Helen’s ka and make an eidolonand everyone is like durrrrr what nowand Thoth is like ugh okay listenI was kind of drunk when he told me to do thisbut it totally makes senseI’m going to take her spiritand make a fake Helen out of cloudsand then everyone is like OHHHHH and this ruse apparently fools Parisbecause he leaves Egypt with hot fake Helenthough of course Seti takes all his gold firstdeath and taxes, Parisdeath and taxesand then because it’s not enough to be so hot you are capable of making stones weepEVERYONE FORGETS ABOUT HELENfor like twenty yearsshe just chills in the templeworshipping Hathor I guessand meanwhile Seti diesand there are all sorts of succession issuesand twenty years later his young grandson Rameses is about to take the throneand he knows allllll about the hotness hiding in Hathor townand he’s like damnwho cares about goldI am going to get me some HelenFUCK SETI’S OATHeven though she has got to be like 40 by nowshe’s just that hot apparentlyHelen: original MILF?so Rameses is like I am going to be Pharaoh soonwho will dare to stop meand his mother the queen regent Hasert is like uh actuallyhow about the godsthe gods might stop youremember how they intervened to bring her here?or how about her husbandyou knowthe one who fought multiple wars in her honor?and Rameses is all shitI don’t want to fight a fucking war over thisI just want to bone grandma priestess Helen in peaceso he decides to hold onto his boner until his priestscan figure out whether it is the will of the godsfor him to wed Helen or notand meanwhile who shows up at Helen’s templebut a mysterious strange sailoroho who could this beIT’S MENELAUS BITCHESbecause apparently Hermes finally slept off his epic hangoverand was all holy shitI forgot about how I went to Egyptdressed up as Thoth and hid that mortal chick somewhere that one timewhat the fuck was I thinkingalsothat wasTWENTY FUCKING YEARS AGOMAYBE I SHOULD TELL HER HUSBANDso he visits Menelaus and is allhey Menelaushot tipmaybe you should check out the Temple of Hathor in Memphisno reasontell them Hermes I mean Thoth sent youso Menelaus is in Egyptsomehow too dumb to realizehe’s talking to his own wifetelling her how he went to war and rescued his wifeuntil she disappeared one dayand Helen goes THAT WAS MY EIDOLONCOULDN’T YOU TELL BY ALL THE CLOUDS IN MY VAGINAso finally Menelaus and Helenare all happy weeping and reuniting and shit in the templeand Menelaus doesn’t even stop to askwhere the fuck all his gold wentTHAT’S HOW YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE LOVEbut meanwhilehow the fuck are they going to escape Rameses?Helen has a planshe goes to Rameses all oh guess whatI guess we can get freaky nowbecause this mysterious sailor who showed uphas just told me that Menelaus my husband is deadand Rameses is like sweetlet’s do thisand by this I meanthe sexbut several decades of being hottest chick in the ancient worldhas given Helen some insight into how easy it isto hoodwink dudes with bonersso she’s like okayaccording to my fake new religionyou are required to give me a ship full of foodand oxen and wine and provisionsso I can sail out into the harbor to bury my husbandAND RAMESES FALLS FOR ITand Helen and Menelaus sail offand Rameses is pretty pissedand just as he’s is about to kill the queen regent Hastertin an angry rage for making him hesitate to fuck Helen in the first placeThoth/Hermes shows upalmost late to the party as usualand he’s like RAMESES CHILL THE FUCK OUTAMON-RA HAS DECREED THIS IS HOW THE STORY ENDSbecause apparently in Egyptthe gods occasionally believe in justice and loveand also in abrupt endingsthe moral of the story islisten to your momshe is probably right about stuffand goldis a way better investment than hot chicksthe end.

Hey guys. Jack “Laugh Machete” Crosbie was being a twanknexus and not sending me a guest myth like he promised BUT THEN HE SENT ME ONE. FEAST YOUR EYES ON IT. Also I feel bad because the link I posted to Luke Coulter’s website was kind of broken. his website is http://dirtyfilthylies.blogspot.com

This is going to be a very special post of Myths Retold that will not include any actual “myths” per se although you could totally debate how accurate any of is.This post is called THE JULIO-CLAUDIANS WERE NOT VERY NICE PEOPLEand it is basically going to illustrate some of the highlights of the first Roman Emperors kinda being dicks to everyone.

For reference the Julio-Claudians were the family descended sorta from Julius Caesar that became Rome’s first Emperor-family thing round about 27 BCE after Caesar got shanked and everyone finished squabbling and killing each other (jk they never finished doing that).

Without further ado:

EXHIBIT THE FIRST:

This is their goddamn family tree. http://www.roman-emperors.org/jclaud1.htm

You will notice first that it is in several different colors, which is intimidating just to fucking start, and then you look at all the little dotted lines and you realize that at one point, EVERYONE HAS FUCKED EVERYONE or at least fucked someone’s mom/ sister/ brother/ uncle/ pet goat.

Like, if the Julio Claudian family was MY family, my mom would have married AT LEAST both of my uncles AT LEAST twice which is weird considering one of my uncles is a very quiet man who calls dogs “pooch”… spent the last 10 or so years trying to decide whether that was awkwardly endearing or just downright disturbing.

This is the author’s interpretation of the Julio-Claudian family tree:

You will also notice that THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME NAME. This may also be another slight exaggeration, but the Julio-Claudians really liked recycling names and changing them every 5 minutes; they would name sons the exact same thing as fathers (which is still sorta done), but then they would change it when important things happened, or they would add or subtract names kinda on a whim, and then some dick historian would just stick one name on them if you were lucky and two if they just wanted to fuck with you. I mean seriously you could just show up at the palace and be like “YO GAIUS-LIUS-GUSTUS-US and like 50 kids would come running up all jumping over each other in their little Roman tunics and shit like little Roman kids did all fuckin babbling in Latin or whatever, boom, efficient way of keeping the little fuckers in line but

For example, if I were a Julio-Claudian my name would be Jack Hans Richard Sumpf Paul Crosbie but then when I became Emperor it would become Jack Richard Crosbie Sumpf Caesar or something and then someone would give me a nickname and I would go down in history as “Turtle Helmet”. Also I would be banging/ married my cousin. Which is also strange because my only cousins are all male and live in England or are 45, married, and living in Minnesota which makes reproduction kinda difficult in any case. But if had a hot female cousin remotely in my geographic area I would probably have to be all over that. Hypothetically. Flexible on the hot part hypothetically.

EXHIBIT FUCKIN’ TWO:

So Augustus, right, also known as Octavian, the first of the JC bros to be actually “Emperor”, decides to throw a dinner party. And by “throw a dinner party” it is taken to mean “go over to a dudes house for dinner and then bang his wife in the middle of the meal”. No joke.Augustus is all dinin’ and winin’ with this ex-consul (which is like a guy who did stuff in politics) and in the middle of it he’s all HEY YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA?And the consul guy is all NO BUT I BET YOU DO!And Augustus is like HOW ABOUT I FUCK YOUR WIFEAnd the consul is like OMG THAT’S A GREAT- wait what did you say emperor sir can you run that by me one more timeAnd Augustus goes YEAH NO RIGHT HEREIN THAT BEDROOMBRBSuetonius (some dude with a white beard and shit writing this shit down) is kinda unclear on what kinda hanky panky actually goes on and just says that Mrs. Consul comes back with Augustus all sex-haired with “glowing ears” He obviously means like with flushed rosy ears but it got me thinking how awesome would it be if your ears fuckin glowed like neon colors every time you got laid, just walking around all HEY BRO PEEP MY AURAL INTERFACES THEY’RE GLOWIN’ instead of HUR DUR HEY JIMMY SMELL MY FINGER which is really creepy who actually does that

ANYWAY

Augustus and Mrs. Consul come back to dinner after parkin the yacht in hair harbor and that’s all Suetonius has to say about that, just kinda skips right on ahead to Augustus and his bros stripping random girls/ matrons and appraising them like slavers would just for kicks and other socially acceptable behavior.

I think this is going to be my last exhibit because I’m really tired and I’m not sure if anyone wants to read anymore about the Julio-Claudians but I could totally do more exhibits of JC debauchery if people like that sort of thing. I could also do more exhibits of trees because I know Ovid hates them but I actually rather like trees.

OK SO EXHIBIT THREE FOR REAL

Anyway, Tiberius. He’s emperor after Augustus because he is sorta related to him and succession was kinda like playing hammer roulette in the early Roman Empire (hammer roulette is where you sit a bunch of people in a field at night in the dark, throw a hammer as high as you can in the air and everyone gets up and runs) and the hammer of Emperorship donked Tiberius on the head after Augustus.

Let me rephrase that to succession in the early Roman Empire was like playing hammer roulette but actively trying to lose.

Wait, actually what I’m trying to say is it was really random/ complicated and probably nothing like playing hammer roulette except for the fact that horrible, grievous, “oh dear Jesus now we have to take Mark to the hospital but we’re all plastered in a field miles away from our car and I have never seen a hammer actually hit a person before” amounts of pain are often involved in both.

So Tiberius does a lot of really fucked up things, but we can talk about those later. They mostly involve killing the fuck out of everyone who blinked at him wrong, which included, well, almost everyone.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, though, he DIES.

But he manages to die in a really comical way. I guess it’s only comical if you think murder is comical. Anyway.

So Tiberius is lyin all old and stuff and dying as old people are wont to do, especially if they’re Roman and possibly being poisoned. Sorry if any of you have relatives who live in Rome and are currently elderly and poisoned, not trying to offend anyone here.

Some people (like Suetonius) think that Tiberius’ successor, Caligula (whose real name is Gaius something) was giving him some poison, which is highly likely, others think he was just old and sick, I’m gonna choose to go with Tacitus/ Suetonius (vaguely) and tell it this way:

The way I like to tell it, Tiberius is really sick, like wasting away and stuff. But he keeps not dying, they keep thinking he’s gonna die and then he keeps not dying at all. I had a cat like that. It was really sad. She just chilled out, pretending to die for like two years but not actually getting around to it.

Anyway, Caligula is pretty eager to step up on that throne business and start stompin around the empire. But, like, it’s not really kosher if he just openly offs his predecessor, so he’s kinda just watching Tiberius (slash poisoning him), waiting for the bro to die. Eventually, Tiberius has this awkward fainting spell where everyone thinks he’s dead, but he decides not to be and so one of Caligula’s supporters just shoves a pillow over his face and smothers him. Wups. Here is his death in play format

TIBERIUS: I DON’T FEEL GOODCALIGULA: SORRY HERE DRINK THISTiberius drinks stuffTIBERIUS: THAT WAS GROSS WHAT WAS THATI ASKED FOR MILKYOU DIDN’T GET ME MILKCALIGULA: IT WAS TOO MILK SHUT UP YOU’RE OLDCaligula leavesTIBERIUS: MAN I’LL SHOW HIMWHAT IF THIS MILK KILLS METHEN HE’LL FEEL REALLY BADI SHOULD PRETEND TO DIEOH SHIT I’M REALLY DIZZY THIS WON’T BE HARDTiberius faintsCALIGULA’S HENCHMAN: HEY CALIGULA SENT ME BACK HERE WITH MORE MIL- WOAH WOAH ARE YOU OK DUDE?HEY CALIGULAI THINK TIBERIUS IS DEADCALIGULA (from another room): REALLY? SWEET!Tiberius wakes upTIBERIUS: HEY WAIT NO THAT’S NOT HOW IT’S SUPPOSED TO GOCALIGULA’S HENCHMAN: WOAH WAIT WHAT? FUCK YOU NEED TO BE DEAD I JUST SAID YOU WERE DEADHenchman uses pillow! It’s super effective!PROBLEM SOLVED

Fin

Oh yeah these posts need a moral. I guess the moral of these stories is: Stop complaining about your government, unless your family runs the government and the government is making you bang your cousin and smother the occasional uncle.

Jack Crosbie is too cool to have a website but you can follow his twitters at @jackcrosbie or something. Not that he ever tweets. He’s too cool for that too.

Sherlock Holmes is kinda creepyI don’t say this thing lightlyI mean I am the first to line up for the hugging brigadeif Holmes started a hugging brigadeI’m not even sure what a hugging brigade would actually be composed ofHugs that travel in a little car?anywaythe point is that I love Sherlock Holmes in a special waywhich is why it is important that I think he’s a little creepy

the adventure of the speckled bandwhich is not about a group of high school musiciansstarts with holmes watching watson while he’s sleepingno jokewatson wakes up because he feels the cold unflinching gaze of holmes upon himin his sleepand then after that he always slept with a cross under his pillowbut in the meantime holmes needs watson to be awakebecause he was woken up by mrs hudsonwho was woken up by their clientis everyone on their period in this story?

There is a client downstairsand why watson is necessary for this transaction is unclearbut holmes calls him his intimate friendheheheheand watson takes three paragraphs to describe this ladywhen he could have just written“damn, this broad is ugly”but really it is important to the storythat we know how ugly she isin detailwellhe says haggardthat’s like a euphemism

anyway this womanwants to hire holmesbut is afraid that she has no money to pay himholmes is allbitch, chillI take cases because I am an artistand not for anything so crass as money

asshole

and does his normalannounce something about the visitorthat they haven’t told him yetand then their eyes bug out and they’re allHOLY SHITYOU’RE MAGICALSo he can explain how he figured it outit happens in every storyso you would think he’d get tired of itbut I guess not

so this ladyI can’t even remember her namehenriettaor helenaor harryor haggardor somethingIT ISN’T IMPORTANTbut she is worriedbecause her motherin the infinite wisdom of mothersmarried this motherfuckerHAand diedleaving this will that says that he can use her moneyuntil her two daughters get marriedand then they get the moneyget that?He loses all her dead person moneyas soon as these two children grow up and get marriedGEE MOMTHAT ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE HE HAS A MOTIVEFOR WANTING THEM TO STAY UNMARRIEDSMART MOVE DEAD LADY

WHY ARE THEY STILL LIVING WITH THE DUDE?Okay I clearly do not understand victorian social moresbut these two chicks are almost 30and they are still living with creepy step-dadwho keeps giving them murder-eyesevery time they talk to a dude

I WAS JUST GETTING SOME MILK DADSTOP GIVING ME MURDER EYESGOD

and it is entirely appropriate for Haggard to be worriedbecause her twin sister Dead Ladyis deadright before she was supposed to get married toohuhthat seems coincidentalmust have been a murder moonTHIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR FREE, FOLKS

now haggard is due to get marriedand step-dad

has taken to following her around the house and cackling wildlyso she is understandably concerned

holmes says huhand okayand indeedand agrees to take the case

but only after she mentions that step-dad keeps a baboon and a cheetah

and holmes is secretly allFUCKING BADASSbut he’s victorian so he just says I see

so let’s talk about Dead Lady’s deathshe wakes up in the middle of the nightscreamsand dies while gasping the words “THE SPECKLED BAND”let’s give the lady an oscarseriouslyyou want to know why people like this storythis shit right here

so holmes and watson venture to wherever this story is setcountry landand do some investigatingthe investigating involves a lot of false leads

and people talking about how weird step-dad is

againmurder eyesbut most of it is red herringsthere are gypsies that camp on the grounds was it gypsies?No it was not gypsiesor cheetahsor lfdkfjsdlfkjsdljust get to the good part

HERE IS THE GOOD PARTso holmes and watson spend the night in Haggard’s bedroomoh mywell no cause she isn’t thereshe sneaks off to another roomand holmes waitsand waitsand then there’s a whistleand he starts BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF SOMETHINGAAAAAHAAAAAAAHWHAT IS IT

spoilersit was a motherfucking snakeyeah so this dude was sending a poisonous snake through the ductsin order to kill his step daughtersfor their moneyHOLY SHITbut anyway holmes scares itand it runsuhslithers?Back through the ductsand is all grrrrr I didn’t get to bite a lady

so he bites step-dadwho dies

so the moral I guessis how the fuck did he train a snake to come on command?Learn how to do that shitand join the circus

So I understand how you might think that this is what Alisa does ALL THE TIME but that is not the case. In fact you are more likely to find her at her blog because she is too cool for xanga now.