What's in my refrigerator?False promises, that's what.All expectations from food --that it will make me less lonely,that it offers strength, where there is fear,that it sooths disappointmentslike a lullaby from mother's lips,that from food comes reality.Oh yes, my refrigeratorhas held promise all my life.I'm chained to it, barely able to feel anythingfor the numbing solace of food.

III.

I wear the refrigeratoraround my neck,not as a shawl,but as a yoke.

IV.

Dear old refrigerator,faithful old friend,I've cast you off now.I'm not wearing youaround my neck anymore.

I'm ashamed of all the yearsI've held your hand.Yet I look back and see youas the most dependable anchorin the deep waters of my life.I miss you, dear pal.You, like no personand no other thing,were always there for me.

I feel naked and scaredwithout you around my neck.When I believe no one cares,when there are too manyrocks in my path,what will I do?

I look at youand the answer comes to me.I'll wear these wordsin your placeto remind myselfthat you are too heavy a load,that rocks are just rocks,that the Universe cares._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Since writing this poem, I've done the 10 to 50 pound yo-yo thing at least 8 times. What happened? I'm pretty certain that each time some event(s) triggered strong emotions... fear, loneliness, grief, possibly anger, possibly boredom. Under the influence of these emotions, I plum forgot that rocks are just rocks and that the Universe cares, which caused me to fall under the spell of my refrigerator... again.

That's why I'm in OA now. Because I forget about the Universe, the caring entity that some call God. Through OA I hope to come to a less shaky faith where I won't forget. And if I do, my sponsor and other members will remind me.... YES, the Universe does care.

3 comments:

Yes the universe does care. I think that sometimes I thinks its easier to think the universe does not care so I can just be a victime to my thinking. So twisted isn't it? It does take work to change it around. But it has moved for me. Julie C

About Me

I am a compulsive overeater, a "food" addict. I am as hard-core as any down-and-out drug addict, only my substance is legal, I have the money to get it, and I can still pass as normal. For more than 60 years, I have taken big hits of sugar/fat to blot out sorrows, to stuff down my fears, angers and pain... also to celebrate any and every little thing you can imagine... until I feel almost nothing at all, until I'm stupefied and numb. In March of 2010, I razed the bottom. I went to my first Overseaters Anonymous (OA) meeting and have begun a journey of recovery. This blog is my journal of healing.