Zenit St Petersburg’s game against Dynamo Moscow had to be abandoned during the first half after Dynamo keeper Anton Shunin was hit by a firework thrown from the Zenit end.

Shunin was taken directly to hospital where he was found to have suffered a chemical burn of the cornea and eyelids, conjunctival injection (red eye) in both eyes, as well as post-traumatic otitis of the right ear with bonus hearing loss thrown in for good measure.

Police are also investigating a number of incidents which occurred in and around the Khimki Arena, with property damaged, fires being lit and over 500 seats being torn up and hurled toward the pitch.

As part of their investigation, police were also examining just how Zenit fans managed to smuggle flares and firecrackers – like the one that blew Shunin’s eardrums to bits – into the stadium.

After examining CCTV footage, it became apparent that a female fan threw the flare that injured Shunin. Police then inspected the ladies toilets at the Khimki and, according to Russian news agency Interfax, found ‘about two-dozen’ un-spooled condoms in the bins, leading them to surmise that the pyrotechnics had been – and here’s a particularly grim turn of phrase – carried into the stadium ‘in an intracavitary’ way.

We’re sure you don’t need that explaining any further. Safe to say, what you’re picturing now is exactly what they’re getting at.