Thursday, September 29, 2005

1. "Hey, check out that guy with the tie-dyed colostomy bag. Wait... that's not tie dye... that's not tie dye!"

2. The funny little yelps of pain she made when he squeezed really hard secretly delighted the moonbat.

3. "Wow, are you seriously taking me to the abbatoir? I've never had French food before."

4. "Hey, look, Daphne, there's Velma working the NOW booth. Now all we need to do is find Shaggy and Scooby."

5. "OK, when I give the signal, you fake a seizure, and I'll break into their cars while their attention is distracted."

6. "Look at the smoke... we'll never find Towelie in this environment. What were we thinking?"

7. "Daddy, you're not going to swap me for a VW van again are you? Are you?"

8. "Hey, remember the last time we were on the Mall? You tripped out, tried to go Lewinsky on the Washington Monument and chipped your teeth. Then, you went to the Lincoln Memorial, kept flashing your breasts and shouting, 'Four-score this, Honest Abe!'" "Of course, I remember that was Tuesday."

9. "Hon, I just had a thought. What Bush didn't lie? What if liberating Iraq was the right thing to do? What if the war isn't about oil?... Oh, gawd, somebody get me a joint, I'm becoming lucid!"

10. "Aw, come on. He's promised to trade us some really good dope and all he wants to do is watch. What are you afraid of? Women in Mexico do it with horses all the time. Did I say Mexico? I meant France."

2. "Look, I'm a middle-aged man wearing a baseball cap backwards in the manner of teenagers. Does it not enhance my credibility with the young people of today?"

3. Meanwhile, in the background, Senator Barbara Mikulski, unschooled in the hygienic peculiarities of the anti-war crowd, steps in what she thinks is 'dog' poop.

4. Subconsciously, she means she wishes Bush would do her twice. Subconsciously, he'd like to give Bush a Lewinsky and wants to make sure his hat doesn't get in the way.

5. "Dammit, Louise, I trust you with my primo Maui Chronic for two seconds and you drop the blunt."

6. "Oh, sure... you get to live out your fantasy of molesting a cardboard cutout of a Republican. But what about my fantasy of a four-way with a beermaid, a skinny punk rock girl, and a really fat chick?"

7. "That Cindy Sheehan is one hot momma. Hey, Louise, would you consider wearing shorts, letting the grease build up on your face, and maybe getting three or four molars knocked out?"

8. "Oh, don't forget, hon'. Next week, we're going to protest against Wal-Mart for taking jobs away from American workers. Should we take the Volvo or the Lexus?"

9. "The bulge isn't real, Louise. You're having another flashback."

10. "I may disagree with his war policy, but I have to admire his ability to fart musically."

Monday, September 26, 2005

Update:You have the right to remain obnoxious. If you give up that right, America would be profoundly grateful. You have the right to a shower and for the love of God please use it. If you cannot afford soap, shampoo, or deodorant, they will be provided to you at no cost. Please take the hint and take the g-dam shower!"

1. Whenever I had previously pictured this in my mind, they were always wearing white coats.

2. "... Diamonds are a girl's best friend..."

3. "Jesse warned you this would happened if you violated the restraining order... Crazy White Bitch."

2. "Nice Try, Ricky, but I can think of at least one flaw in your planned paternity suit against Elton John."

3. "This is Emmanuel Lewis for the Emergency Broadcast System. As you can see, Mount Ranier is about to exterminate every living thing in the Pacific Northwest with a massive release of toxic gas. There's nothing you can do about it, so, wear something kinky and enjoy some last minute kite-flying."

4. A few of the warning signs that you're paying too much for 'Holistic Electrolysis.'

5. "Okay, now say each of these kites is a sperm, and the cross-dressing midget in the foreground is an ovum..."

6. Michael Jackson sighed. "Dressing up the midgets is kind of kinky, but, dammit, it's just not the same."

7. Colorado, 1997: "Dammit, I lost to that bitch JonBenet again! I'm gonna fix her ass but good!"

"It started off as a great trip, but a couple hours into it, that kid from Webster showed up as the marshall of the gay pride parade and then these giant windex-colored sea creatures hovered and undulated over me...oh, wow, man, which way to the bummer tent?"

1. "Yes, ma'am, it is amazing that technology can pack so much feminine pleasure into such a compact package. Now, could you please stop waving it in my face?"

2. "Ma'am, I'm not going to question whether raising your son with your life partner 'Gina' has any effect on your son's social development, except to point out the fact that he's voguing exactly like Christina Aguilera."

3. "No, ma'am, I am not going to subject you to a full body cavity search... not before you take, I don't know, at least eight or nine showers."

4. "Oh, yeah, this is crowd is HUGE, it's SO BIG, I don't know if I can handle such a MASSIVE THROBBING Crowd... Ha! How do you like it when your sarcastic innuendo is turned on you... Whore!"

5. "Do you always make your son wear that 'Grrl Powrr' hat? I bet he gets his ass kicked daily."

6. "I have no problem with you, ma'am. Bruce, on the other hand, is from the fashion police and is writing you a ticket for wearing pink chinos with a red T-shirt."

7. "Well, ma'am, what did you expect when you agreed to let your son spend the night at the Neverland Ranch?"

8. Later, the mother would pull her son aside. "Son, I'm afraid the American people are still indifferent to the evil, oppressive Bushitler Regime. The time has come for the ultimate act of consciousness raising. Are you familiar with the name, 'Mohammed al-Dura?'"

9. "Oh, come on, officer... can't we settle this parking ticket with a little... personal ... interaction?" "Sorry, Amy, bringing the kid kinda spoils the fantasy. I'm taking the uniform back to the shop and hittin' the bars."

10. "No, ma'am, you're not in trouble. Congressman Barney Frank just wanted to know if your son would be interested in an internship position."

6. "Oh, look, there's that creepy Scott Ritter guy. He'll pay ten bucks if you lift up your top and let him take pictures."

7. "Don't tell me you're not the least bit creeped out that these straw bales are laid out in the form of swastikas?"

8. "Being children of the straw is okay, I guess, but those Children of the Corn really seem to be having a good time."

9. "Well, enjoy it while you can, sis. But soon, Winter will be here, and we'll have to get back to haunting The Overlook."

10. "There goes another truckload of chickens to the processing plant, where big men with huge, sharp knives slowly slit the chickens' throats and let the blood run across the floors in little rivers, blood splattering on the feathers and the men's smooth, glistening bodies, blood everywhere, blood and feathers, feathers and blood..."

6. On the one hand, the coach reading the Necronomicon and invoking Satanic prayer before the games did violate church and state separations. On the other hand, levitating over the other team was pretty wicked.

No captioning because I think I spent this nickel over the weekend. Besides, it's pretty damb funny on its own. Besides which, how many variations of "Andrew Sullivan is reincarnated as a raccoon." "Andrew Sullivan and Barney Frank provide the voices in Walt Disney's Incredible Journey ... to Fire Island." And so forth...

2. In foreplay, as in hunting, it's the female lion that does all the work.

3. The night Simba lost his virginity was spoiled only by the bumps and groans of Pumbaa and Timon having rough sex in the next room. (Which also did much to explain Pumbaa's epic flatulence).

4. After he was thoroughly spent, Timon wandered through the bathhouse chanting, "If you're hungry for a hunk of fat and juicy meat/ Eat my buddy Pumbaa here/ 'cos he is a treat/Come on down and dine/ On this tasty swine/ All you have to do is get in line..."

5. "Hey, baby, could you not hum 'Hakuna Mutata' while you go down on me? It kind of ruins it for me."

6. "You misunderstand baby, I said I was a Mountin' Lion. Roll over."

7. Even the animal kingdom has its version of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.

8. "Dear Penthouse, I'm a lion cub in the San Diego Zoo. I never thought anything like this would ever happen to me..."Real Caption

Friday, September 16, 2005

2. "C'mon baby, let me show you to my swing-pad. Have you ever seen hardcore p0rn on a 42-inch screen? It will blow your mind."

3. "Yup, here I am, young and cute and full of life, and there you are, Grandma. Just running out the clock. One slip-and-fall away from the oblivion of eternal night. Ain't it a bitch?"

4. "Hurry up, Grandma! I wanna show you the video I found of grandpa in black socks and a leather mask wrestling with the UPS man."

5. "Just a few more steps, she'll come up to the trip-wire and, 'Hell-o big fat inheritance.'"

6. "We told Dog the Bounty Hunter to F*ck himself, so you'll probably be safe here for a while, grandma."

7. "Don't be afraid, Grandma, they just sent me to make your journey to the spirit world easier."

8. "The bathroom's right up this way, Grandma. You think you can hold it in this time? We had to pay two hundred bucks to clean the carpets the last time you brought your incontinent ass over to visit."

9. "O.K., explain to me again about the negatives, and how Dick Cheney wants you killed." Whispering, "Call 9-1-1. Call 9-1-1!"

10. Grandma chuckled to herself, "O.K., Billy, I'll come up and see where the 'Pinhead' man showed you the portal to the Hell Realm."

1. Instead of our usual Caption fodder, Caption This presents a peek into George Michael's subconscious.

2. Federico Fellini's ad campaign for Home Depot played well in the Blue States.

3. The NEA Grant committee was unimpressed. "Can't you crucify the Tidy Bowl Man, or put an American flag on the seat? Throw us a bone, will you?"

4. Now, all Andrew Sullivan had to do was wait for a thirsty dog and his public-sex-bestiality-tearoom fantasy would finally come true.

5. The Designers of the Flight 93 Islamic Crescent Memorial followed up with a design for a Memorial to Gitmo Koran Abuse.

6. The guys who were supposed to bring the giant papier-mache puppetheads just sort of got high and wandered off, so the protestors had to improvise.

7. "Hey, Fellini, you done with that sports page?"

8. Orwell's last unfinished manuscript described a dark, future dystopia where personal privacy had been eliminated, and bowel movements were monitored by yellow jumpsuited "Hygiene Brigades" for duration, size, and quality.

9. "Hey, look, human excrement... and they're protesting something."

10. "Hey, guys, one of the Olson twins just called. She just finished lunch and wants to know if any of you are going to get up soon."

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

I was challenged by Blogs4Bauer-dot-com to write a scenario related to the addition of Sean Astin (Sam from LOTR) to the cast of '24.' My scenario is based on Sean Astin's character in the movie '50 First Dates,' and incorporates elements of the movies 'Orgazmo' and 'Agent For HARM.' Join us, won't you?

JACK BAUER's new partner, STUART OGAMO (Sean Astin) -- a Mormon with an addiction to anabolic steroids and a severe lisp -- has infiltrated the headquarters of the mysterious terror king known only as NEUTERED MAN. However, his cover has been blown by Karl Rove in revenge for his wife taking up Rove's white house parking space. NEUTERED MAN sends two seductive agents to find out what OGAMO knows, and then kill him. CHLOE O'BRIAN (a.k.a. POTATO FACE) hacks into a Spice Channel satellite to monitor the action as the twin agents (MARK KATE and ASHLEY OLSON) move in on Ogamo as he lies in a dimly lit motel room bed.

NARRATORThe following takes place between 2:00 am and 3:00 AM

MARY KATE AND ASHLEYWe're the ass-f*ck twins.

OGAMOI can't thay that. Can I call you thomething elthe?

MARY KATE AND ASHLEYBut we're the Ass f-ck Twins.

OGAMOCouldn't I call you the Naughty Twins or thomething?

MARY KATE OLSONNo, you *couldn't* just call us the Naughty Twins.

ASHLEY OLSONWhy would you call us The Naughty Twins when we get f-cked in the ass all the time?

OGAMOWell, that'th pretty naughty.

The girls move in on him and began rubbing his body, licking his face.

OGAMOWhy doeth your breath thmell like Ipecac?

MARY KATE OLSONThere is no escaping us, Ogamo

ASLEY OLSONPrepare to meet your doom.

OGAMOThith ith jutht like that wet dream I had last night.

Cut to: CTU, INTERIOR, NIGHT

CTU DIRECTOR MICHAEL BROWNI'm putting a stop to this. Send in the ponies and the trained equestrians.

Monday, September 12, 2005

1. "No, smoking pot will not make you shrink. It's just a matter of altered perception... dude."

2. "This sh*t's no good. I smoked a whole bowl and I still don't believe Bush ordered helicopters to strafe black people in New Orleans."

3. "Wow, Martha Stewart was right. The brownies do pack a better punch if you boil out the THC in butter instead of just throwing in the buds."

4. The 'Air America' Accounting Department celebrates the clearing of another check.

5. "Dude, it's come to our attention that you only want to drum show tunes and Madonna's dance hits. Is there, like, something you're trying to tell us, Dude?"

6. "Hey, some of Mother Sheehan's followers just suggested a name for our movement. Ascendant, Rising Youth Against a Neocon Nation. 'ARYAN Nation' I think it sounds cool!"

7. "These are what we call the giggling stoners, pretty common form of hippies, usually found in attics. Problem is, if you see one hippy, theres probably a whole lot more you don't see. Where's the back yard?... Yeah, that's what I thought. You see that? You got a drum-circle in your backyard."

8. "I don't understand it, man, I drummed as hard as I could. I drummed like I have never drummed before...and John Kerry still lost."

9. "DOWN WITH THE BUSHITLER FASCIST REGIME! UP WITH DORITOS! YEA! DORITOS!"

1. "I screwed up the evacuation, I didn't put any supplies in the emergency shelters, I let the streets of my city descend into chaos ... and all I have to do is whine about racism and everybody blames you. It's a beautiful thang, baby!"

2. "All right. You're huge. You win. I admit it. Now, wipe that stupid grin off your face and let's get back to the damage assessment."

3. "Am I a chick magnet? Guilty as charged."

4. Bush is skeptical, but the mayor assures him that in France, a quarter pounder with cheese is called a "Royale" with cheese. Bush agrees that that is "some crazy sh*t."

5. "So, it's settled then. First one to the tree represents the superior race. Ready, set..."

6. "Well, mom didn't really mean that about people in the Astrodome being happier that way since they were underprivileged to begin with. She's kind of 'in and out' if you know what I mean."

7. "Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, I have to deal with Governor Blanco. In and out and dumb as a bag of hammers."

8. "Sorry, Mr. President, it just cracks me up the way you mispronounce 'mo-fo.'"

5. "...OK, so that's one DVD of "Amateur Lesbian Fetishes" one DVD of "Naughty Cowgirls" And you also want the "Janet Reno Goes Anal" series, which is only available in VHS. Will that be....Huh? I'm sorry, we don't sell videos on murdering your husband and getting away with it, try Time-Life ...and how will you be paying for this, Mrs. Clinton, Visa or Mastercard?"

7. "Hello, you have reached the support group for people who've been emotionally damaged by Ben Affleck movies. For Jersey Girl Press 1, For Surviving Christmas, Press 2, for Daredevil, Press 3, For Gigli, hang up and dial 9-11, for Dogma... "

8. "Is this the Cocksucker residence?... 4215 Pussy Way?..."

9. "Telethon for Monaco... Do we have Prince Albert in the Can?... Well, if blowing truckers at a rest area counts, then, yeah, sure."

Friday, September 09, 2005

1. "Alpha children wear grey. They work much harder than we do, because they're so frightfully clever. I'm awfully glad I'm a Beta... Ending is better than mending, the more stitches, the less riches..."

2. The clone Beatles were eventually broken up by the clone Yoko Ono.

3."Dude, you are like, so right. Dark Side of the Moon totally synchs up with The Wizard of Oz."

4. "Hey! Our necks are too underdeveloped to head bang!"

5. "I have to agree, George Clinton is the baddest muther-f**ker alive."

6. "Ah, I'm unconscious, passed out with an empty bottle next to me, and I have no bladder control. I feel like Ted kennedy."

7. "You know, I'm three weeks old, my eyes can't focus, and I know nothing of the outside world, but even I find Coldplay pretentious and derivative."

8. Jim Henson's Quadrophenia Babies.

9. Unfortunately, an absent-minded attendant flipped the switch and the babies ended up listening to a 24-hour Howard Stern marathon. They all grew up to be lesbian strippers.

9. Because test audience became physically nauseated as Michael Moore rubbed the burger over his scantily-clad body while he sang,"Thinkin' of you's workin' up an appetite/Lookin' forward to a little afternoon delight..." Hardee's decided to go with another Paris Hilton commercial instead.

10. "Yep, I ate the Church Lady and stole her glasses. Isn't that special?"

1. "Preparations A through G were complete failures, but I think Preparation H feels good, on the whole."

2. "Pull your finger? In front of my solar-fusion-ignition device? That could wipe out a four-state area."

3. "Told you I could slam a six-pack, strip naked, and climb up one of those things. Now, pay up!"

4. "Hey, those Borg seemed like pretty nice fellas. Besides, their 'Assimilation Cube' will bring a lot of jobs to this area."

5. "A photo-op that looks like a 1980's Depeche Mode album cover? The Gen-Xers ought to dig that."

6. "All I wanted was a simple 'Resettlement Camp' where I could temporarily relocate my political opposition to after the coup in 2007, and you Halliburton dinguses build some freakin' Space Age Taj Mahal."

7. "Apparently, Bill Gates's House became self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern Time on August 29th. Why is this a problem again? Can't we just pull the plug? Check with FEMA."

8. "They say they want 'Energon Cubes' or they'll destroy the planet. What the Hell is an 'Energon Cube?' Get FEMA on that."

9. "This is the most powerful solar generator ever built, creating enough electrocity to run an electric football game... if it's not cloudy out."

10. "'Weather Machine?' Yeah, right. 'Direct massively destructive hurricanes to any point on Earth' What a maroon! '$100 Mil or he wipes New Orleans off the map!' What kind of a sucker does he think I am?"

11. "All those billions. And all we find out is that the g*dd*mned aliens look like Jodie Foster's father! Screw that!"

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

2. "Wow, Mrs. Clinton. If we could have had your ass to shelter it, we could have saved the house."

3. "Yeah, yeah, you white women always say it's like rubbing a sheep's head. Most of you don't rub it with their boobs, though."

4. "Hope you like it in there, Kirk. Because Zargon and I have no intention of returning your bodies."

5. Hillary thought the Psychedelic Soccer Ball was cute until she got the crap kicked out of her by 5,000 Interdimensional Arsenal fans.

6. "So, Pamela Anderson donated one of her implants to help the Katrina evacuees. How nice."

7. A pygmy tribesman offers a gift to the junior senator from New York while behind her, others mutter "Sisi wuhoyafe ane ka m'bara ti ellen ucuru", which in swajili means, "flats and a pantsuit, I told you she was a dyke."

1. Tyler covered his ears. "I knew this was an intervention! I knew it! I knew it!"

2. "Check it out. Dick Cheney is shtupping Cokie Roberts under the bleachers... and signalling Kobe that he's open!"

3. When his friends were tripping, Tyler enjoyed screwing with their minds by pretending his head was detachable.

4. "What the hell is a chafing dish, anyway?" "It's a traditional serving piece used to keep food warm for buffets and brunches." "I thought that was a Crock-Pot." "No, that's for cooking all day."

5. "Ever since we watched that old Scanners movie, Tyler's not taking any chances."

6. "Hey, did you guys also sense the sudden drop in atmospheric pressure?"

7. "... And the rockets red glare/The bombs bursting in air/In Bushco's illegal oil war for Isreal..." Cindy Sheehan was never invited to sing the national anthem again.

8. "Wellie, wellie, wellie, my droogs. Who's up for a night of ultraviolence?"

9. "Do you guys ever imagine what it would be like to be out on the field, cheering your heart out, wearing a darling little skirt that came all the way up your thighs and shaking your pom-poms. Guys? Guys?"

10. Oh, what the Hell. "That's a pretty good Macauley Culkin impression, but Michael Jackson's not having any more sleepovers at Neverland."

Saturday, September 03, 2005

1. "The Press Conference is in ten minutes, but I need twenty minutes to assume human form after I exit the Demon Realm. Tell them I'm... making love to my husband." "But Senator Clinton, shouldn't I tell them something believable?"

2. Blank expression. Half a brain. It's a Daily Kos poster all right.

3. "Mirror, Mirror, on the wall Holy Shit!!"

4. "The rest of Mr. Dahmer's apartment looks clean, I'm just gonna take a peek here in the freezer Holy Shit!!"

1. Due to his ambiguous skin tone, the AP spent hours debating whether he had "looted" the beer, or merely "found" the beer.

2. The carjacking of Homer Simpson.

3. The man would later blame being pulled over for his DUI on "Racial Profiling."

4. The man sat on the hood and pondered his life. "If only I had stayed in school, kept a job, I could have moved into a better neighborhood and looted Sam Adams and Tsingtao into the back of a Volvo Station Wagon."

5. "I should get a gun," the man thought. "I don't want some thieving a-hole to steal this beer from me."

6. "So, was there anything else your mom wanted us to bring?"

7. An engineer looks at this picture and thinks only, "If they had stacked the beer to take maximum advantage of the interior volume of the trunk, they could have easily doubled their haul." *

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