“Dreams are often most profound when they seem real and distressingly normal, and involve intimate relations with family, friends and pet. However, a cigar is just a cigar.”

– Sigmund Freud

This edition of JOTW comes to you from somewhere in Ned’s basement…maybe over in that corner, perhaps.

*** Welcome to the JOTW network.

This is the award-winning free Job of the Week e-mail networking newsletter for professional communicators, dedicated to the positive unanticipated consequences of networking, or as we call it, “nedworking.” JOTW is a cooperative service. That means JOTW relies on the contributions of its members, like you. We share job opportunities, news and information about the job market, as well as swapping stories about life’s peculiarities. We connect you with others who are like you, and together we help each other. What a concept. Did I mention it’s free?

*** To submit a job for sharing on JOTW, please provide the job title, organization or company, and location and send it to Ned at lundquist989@cs.com. Provide a link or contact info so people can check out your listing or follow up if interested.

*** Posting a job is free. Recruiters can submit up to three jobs for free. Each job listing may be posted once in the newsletter for free

I request that you do not send pdf files that I have to copy and reformat. I prefer you provide your very brief job description in an email rather than an enclosure. Please limit the size of your position descriptions (generally to 500 words or less). “Can’t Wait” blast email priority listings are $300, and “Top Job” placement is $100. Just send to me at lundquist989@cs.com.

*** This is a cooperative service. It relies on your participation and contribution. As you receive the benefit of this free newsletter, you should also send in jobs you learn about. This is especially the case when there are job listings in the companies that you work for.

*** To sign up for JOTW’s new Google Groups list, send an email to Ned at lundquist989@cs.com and request to join the new listerv. If you receive this as an email from neds-job-of-the-week@googlegroups.com, then you are on this list.

*** This week’s Can’t Wait postings:

None this week.

Can’t Wait jobs: These jobs are forwarded to the entire list as soon as they are received, and do not wait for the Monday newsletter, and are posted prominently on the JOTW website. Then they are posted first in the weekly JOTW newsletter. Can’t Wait postings cost $300. Contact Ned at lundquist989@cs.com.

*** This week’s Top Job:

None this week.

Top Jobs: Stand above the rest. Your job can be right here, at the top of the weekly JOTW newsletter. Top job placement costs $100 per job per week. To be on top, contact Ned at lundquist989@cs.com.

*** If you find out about a job opportunity in communications, send it to me (lundquist989@cs.com), and I’ll share it with the JOTW network.

I work hard and smile a lot. I require some special accommodations, including: at least three acres in which to run around; a balanced diet that includes several hundred pounds of shoots, leaves, fruit and Reese’s Pieces; a subscription to National Geographic Wild (don’t ask-let’s just say I don’t read it for the articles); and a stable with 18-foot ceilings and a video studio. Interested parties should send their bids to:

I’m willing to stick my neck out for you.

GEOFFREY THE GIRAFFE

(zootopia@TRU.corp)

*** Another One Pargraph Pitch:

I am a former White House Press secretary with substantial Washington experience. Looking to get back on my feet after spending more time with my family. Open to any opportunity. Seriously. Even McDonald’s has turned me down as a line cook. For more info, contact sspicer@geemail.com

*** Send your One Paragraph Pitch submissions to lundquist989@cs.com. You can pitch yourself or your business anyway you want, as long as it’s short and to the point. You can include a photo, too! There is no waiting list. And it’s free! Submit yours today!

*** New JOTW Survey Identifies the biggest wastes of effort in PR and Corporate Communications

The Forestry Service is replacing Smokey Bear, aka Smokey the Bear, with a new mascot in accordance with the U.S. Government’s new core values regarding conservation. In accordance with a recent Executive Tweet, Bear was fired for encouraging safe campfire practices. Wildfires, in fact, generate revenue that benefit for-profit corporations, and are now encouraged. Also, since chronic droughts caused by global climate change were a main cause of wildfires, by declaring climate change to be a hoax there is no longer any drought conditions.

DS9 takes place on the recently liberated Kardashian space station now called Deep State Nine, where the now liberated Pajoratives seek to rule all the planets in the quadrant, and those that can be reached by passing through the sphinchertter-like worm hole.

Now that the Dominion is in charge, and has required everyone the take loyalty pledges, a small group of Pajoratives seek to undermine Dominion rule and leak information to a giant collective called the “main stream media,” tighly regulated by George Soros and Jeff Bezos.

Now that President Trump has exposed Amazon’s Jeff Bezos for forcing the U.S. Postal Service to make millions of dollars from delivering Amazon products, it’s time we made him stop! We seek an experienced grassroots coordinator who will shame Jeff Bezos into not using the Postal Service, thereby placing the USPS at even greater financial risk so that it and the mail delivery service we know will collapse under itself, forcing Americans to rely on and use costly private postal delivery alternatives that place emphasis on profits, rather than service. Trust us on this. Resume to GoingPostal@IdiotsInGovernment.gov

4.) SOMEONE NOT NAMED ‘PELLETIER’ IN AROOSTOOK COUNTY, MAINE

National Geographic Magazine National Geographic, the nation’s foremost authority on geography and such, is preparing a story about Aroostook County, Maine for an upcoming issue and would love to interview someone from there who is not a “Pelletier” or related to a Pelletier. I mean seriously, are all of you in The County related? Were all of you born in Edmonston, New Brunswick and live along Route 1? There’s got to be a “Jones” or a “Bellevance” out there. Shoot, we’d settle for a “John Smith” at this point. Please email us at TheMaineEvent@NatGeo.com and throw us a bone. #NoPelletiers.

Nation’s largest hybrid citrus/drupe trade group seeks an experienced Advocacy Communicator to help us dispel the myth that if you put the lime in the coconut and drink it all down you will get a belly ache. Millions of people every day put the lime in the coconut and drink it all down with no significant side effects-their stories are waiting to be told. Our message is simple: You put the lime in the coconut, you drink them both together, put the lime in the coconut, then you’ll feel better. Resumes and list of allergies to nutjob@ACPA.org.

7.) INTERNS, ‘Shark Week,’ Discovery Channel, Chrystal Meth City, MD

Shark Week is coming! To keep our programming fresh and exciting, The Discovery Channel seeks 10-12 interns to serve as bait for upcoming shows. Successful candidates will allow themselves to pose as “human chum” in shark-infested waters to attract hammerheads, makos, tigers and of course, Great Whites, within camera range. This is not a paid position, but we offer travel, meals, uniforms and survivor benefits. Applications close April 15; must be over 18. Resume and college transcripts to: sharkbait@Discovery.com

8.) INVESTOR RELATIONS MANAGER, The Illuminati, Washington, D.C.

Coming off our successful acquisition of Taco Bell, we are now looking to expand our influence beyond control of world governments, banks, media and the military industrial complex with additional fast-food industry assets.

Ned’s Job of the Week, the Internet’s foremost source for communications job networking, seeks (unpaid) interns for the summer. Tasks include: packing Ned’s suitcase; washing his Going-Home Socks; driving Ned to the airport; picking up Ned from the airport; making coffee; feeding pets; and lunch runs. Tremendous professional opportunity. Car, cellphone required; must be available evenings/weekends. Resumes to:

HR@nedsjotw.com.

10.) REPORTER, American Hipster Magazine, Portland, OR

American Hipster, the premier publication targeting American consumers for whom the idea behind the marketing holds more value than the product itself, seeks a reporter to cover everything counter-culture, indie, progressive, alt, organic, holistic and retro. Your beat will include music, fashion, technology, food, tattoos, social media and real estate and anything else that you like that you think no one else likes, making you unique. Sense of irony required. Resume to:

Reporter@AmHip.com.

11.) TIME MANAGEMENT OFFICER, American Time Management Association, Alexandria, Va.

Busy office seeks experience Time Management Officer to promote effective time management. Help us do our jobs better so we can help our members do their jobs better, and in turn, help them help others do better. Please call between 10:00 and 10:10 a.m. on April 2 at 703/555-8734; if line is busy, try again at 10:15 a.m.

12.) YOUTH COORDINATOR, AARP, Washington, D.C.

Nation’s largest advocacy organization for old people seeks an energetic, fun-oriented person to coordinate youth outreach activities. Ideal candidate will be a self-starting, task-oriented individual who brings enthusiasm to job and enjoys working with young people ages 50-55. Degree in early childhood education preferred. Resume to Youth@aarp.org.

Pacific Trash Vortex National Monument, known as The Great Pacific garbage patch, is the largest contiguous fully protected floating garbage repository area under the U.S. government, and encompasses 139,797 square miles of the Pacific Ocean (362,073 square kilometers) – an area larger than all the country’s national parks combined. (See map)

The garbage patch represents a sustainable resource for the United States in the event that landfills can no longer meet America’s need for trash and garbage. Your job: to create and implement a nationwide public relations campaign designed to encourage everyday Americans to deposit their trash and recyclables at key drop-off points along the West coast (Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Diego) so that U.S. contract garbage ships can sail out to the Vortex. Together, we can make this Texas-sized vortex visible from the Space Station!

16.) Desperate for help, Lisa turned to Kevin, the handsome yet dense mailroom clerk, who satisfied her lustful desires but did little to reduce the pile of paperwork on her desk, including the budget report due next week. Meanwhile, Lisa’s main office rival, Courtney, stepped up her sabotage efforts by starting a whispering campaign about Lisa and Kevin. Stung by the gossip, and still needing a reliable assistant, Lisa placed an ad in Ned’s JOTW for an editorial assistant, with 3-5 years’ experience, who can crunch numbers and write crisp, tight copy. With a sigh, Lisa asked applicants to send their resume to lisa@sod.net adding that she did not want phone calls. At least, not yet…

You’ve seen us driving down the road in our Chrysler PT Cruisers, that mythical auto that is half modern, half retro and 100 percent amazing. You see us pass each other on the street and flash the secret hand signal that only PT Cruiser owners can give. You admit to jealousy of us and wish you could enjoy the PT Cruiser lifestyle. You wish you could be one of us. Well, now you can-sort of. We are looking for a professional, discreet Event Planner to assist us with meetups at locations throughout the country. Knowledge of sacred rituals preferred. Resume to sibPT@PT.car

18.) BRAND MANAGER, American Asbestos Association, Edison, N.J.

We are the nation’s largest association advocating use of asbestos in homes and businesses; we seek an experienced Brand Manager to craft policy and clear up misconceptions about this useful product. With your help, we can make asbestos bigger than ever! Resume to manager@AAAsbestos.org

The industry’s Number Two portable toilet publication seeks a knowledgeable editor who can write and edit creative copy, motivate staff and leave a clean campsite. Duties include: producing regular, reliable, solid, content-filled daily newsletter between 8:00 and 8:30 every morning; managing editorial staff and interns; “test-driving” new models; blogging at trade-shows; and providing “man on the street” interviews of products “in action.” Candidate must have experience with portable toilets, air fresheners, ancillary materials and music festivals/civil rights marches. Resume to: editor@GoFlush.com

21.) MAGIC TRICK PARTICIPANT, Knucklehead the Clown, Right Here, Right Now Hey, thanks for participating, what’s your name? Great, nice to meet you. I have here a brand new deck of 52 cards, and you can see I’m breaking the seal. Now I’m going to shuffle the deck a couple of times…there. Now I’m going to ask you to cut the deck, anywhere you want…great. Now I’m spreading the cards out and you pick a card, any card, don’t show it to me. Memorize it and put it back in the deck. Nice. Okay, as you can see I’m shuffling the deck some more to mix things up really well and now I am going to pick your card. Is this your card-the three of clubs? Great! Let’s give our friend a hand for participating! Thank you very much, I’ll be here all week! Don’t forget to tip the servers.

Successful candidate will be required to sign a non-disclosure agreement. We’d love to tell you more, but we signed a non-disclosure agreement. Resume to communications@ANDAA.org.

23.) PROOFREEDER, White House, Washington, D.C.

Their is nothing as important as good communication. Believe us, we no. From our early morning tweets to official policy we except our communications to be clear, concise, comprehensive and clear. Wether you are an editor with many years of experience or an intern with Fox & Friends, we encourages you to apply for this very, very ,very impotent position as the Official Presidential Proofreeder. Disclosure: The bad news–We are obligated to inform you that this is a 24/7 position with no breaks or days off. The good news–this is probably a short-term position. Apply at proofreeder@whitehose.gov.

25.) Campaign outreach, No more taxbreaks for the rich, Burlington, VT

Grassroots group consisting of former residents of Boston who left because of high taxes seek an experienced campaign outreach professional who can convince local governments that…well, we’re not exactly sure. But we don’t want to pay more taxes. If we wanted to pay more taxes, we would have stayed in Massachusetts. We don’t think the people of Vermont should pay the same prices for goods that we did in Boston. That’s why we left. Someone help us! www.feelthebern.org/outreach

26.) HOME HEALTH AIDE, The Rolling Stones(r), London, U.K.

The World’s Greatest Rock Band(r) seeks an experienced Home Health Aide to assist members of the band with daily activities. Duties include: bathing; dressing; feeding; transporting to and from doctors’ visits and gigs; administering “prescriptions;” assisting with condoms; and serving as a roadie. Please note this job does not involve Keith, who is running a marathon this weekend while smoking Camels and drinking a fifth of Jameson. Applicants may reply confidentially to: MicksLittleHelper@WhataDragItIsGettingOld.com.

27.) COMMUNICATIONS STRATEGIST, Society to Prevent Laundry from Being Tossed into the Hamper Inside-Out, Washington, D.C.

Don’t you just hate it when you’re folding laundry and all of the shirts and underwear are inside-out, making a simple chore twice as long? But your wife says “the clothes get cleaner if you turn them inside-out first.” “Baloney!” you say to yourself. “There oughta be a law!” And that’s what we’re here for. The SPLBTHIO wants to make it mandatory that ALL laundry be tossed into the hamper as God intended it to be-right-side out. As Communications Strategist, you will promote our 400-page white paper, “It Doesn’t Matter if Laundry is Inside-Out, It Still Gets Clean,” to the public, lawmakers and government regulators. You want change in Washington? Start by changing your underwear! Resume to jobs@splbthio.org.

28.) Spokesperson, Department of State, Mar-a-Largo, FL

Communications pro to represent Secretary of Winning Charlie Sheen at new State Dept., which moved to be closer to the foreign governments wishing to obtain influence with the U.S.

Do you enjoy bossing people around? Are you a stickler for rules? Do you hold grudges? Can you escalate a minor episode into a Major Incident? Have we got the job for you! We’re a clearinghouse for United, Delta and American Air Lines, the largest air carriers in the nation. Thanks to deregulation we enjoy a virtual monopoly on air travel, which means air passengers HAVE TO choose one of us, unless they go with JetBlue or Southwest. And we’re hiring Surly Flight Attendants because, what are passengers going to do-fly themselves? Perhaps you’re thinking, “surly you jest?” Surly we do not! We want you looking sharp, ready to go and cranky! Former prison guards, assistant principals and HR specialists are encouraged to apply. We provide uniforms (nice!), training (sort of) and legal tricks of the trade so when you welcome passengers aboard your plane, they know EXACTLY who’s in charge! Resumes to SFA@NAL.org.

To be honest, we thought after three years we’d be done with these annoying, pretentious “focus group” commercials for the Chevy brand, but we keep finding people who are only slightly smarter than crash-test dummies who are easily surprised and impressed by shiny new cars. If you meet all three of these criteria, come join us this Sunday, April 32, at Staples Center and you might just become part of our next set of commercials! It will be just like auditioning for “American Idol,” except you don’t have to sing. Unless you want to. For more information, visit www.ChevyYeahChevy.com.

32.) ONLINE SECURITY GUARD, Facebook, Seattle, WA

Here at Facebook, we admit we could do better. Our online security protocols have been taking a hit lately, with the Russians and Cambridge Analytica and other scandals that the public doesn’t even know about yet. We could use some help. We’ll even give you a badge and a uniform. And a Segway-you get to use a Segway.

Apply online at Security@Facebook.com.

33.) PUBLICIST, American Farm Sink Association, Washington, D.C.

The nation’s largest farm sink advocacy organization seeks a seasoned Publicist to promote the beauty and lasting quality of rustic simplicity in a suburban setting. Must be knowledgeable of pros and cons of 50/50s, 80/20s and the “full farm.” Must also be able to craft sensible responses to attacks by the American Stainless Steel Sink Association, which insists that farm sinks chip too easily (they don’t-if you take care of them).

Resume and cover letter to PR@AFSA.org.

34.) ONLINE BLAMER, Briebart.com

Brietbart.com seeks experienced Blamer to stanch our plummeting circulation. We’ve gone from 15 million readers to 7.7 million in little more than six months; our advertisers are deserting us; Steve Bannon, our former boss, is bad-mouthing us. We need someone who can create scapegoats, deflect, re-route and inspire confidence in the dummies who read us. The mainstream media, Hillary Clinton, Democrats-we need someone who can remind our readers just how terrible we are-and why they love us.

Resume to NotOurFault@Brietbart.com.

35.) NON-VOWEL BUYER, “Wheel of Fortune,” Los Angeles, CA

America’s Favorite Game Show seeks contestants who have the self-discipline, intestinal fortitude and common sense to Not. Buy. A. Vowel. For God’s sake, just solve the frickin’ puzzle. You don’t need to buy an “A.” Really, you don’t. Please don’t. Aw, Jeez, look at you-you just bought an “A.” And there’s only one. Was it really worth $250? Just spin-do NOT buy an “I.” Oh, look, you just bought an “I”-right where you knew it would be, between “T” and “ON.” You’re so smart. Now spin-OH FOR THE LOVE OF PETE STOP BUYING VOWELS! THIS IS WHY I DON’T WATCH THIS SHOW [THROWS REMOTE AT TV].

36.) SHAKESPEARE JARGONIST, McDonald’s, Chicago, IL

If food be the music of love, play on. What’s in a name? That which we call a Big Mac by any other name would still taste as sweet. One touch of Special Sauce makes the whole world kin. They call for dates and quinces in the pastry, but not in Happy Meals. At once, you must set forth and seize the day. Resume (in folio form) to: Thine Arches in which All That Glitters is Gold, Chicago.

37.) Press Secretary for Frederick Douglass, Anasotia, District of Columbia

President Donald Trump has named Frederick Douglass to be Secretary of Housing and Urban Devekopment. “I’m hearing great things about him,” Trump said. You need to start saying great things about him, too.