Search

Last weekend my son went to his first official high school homecoming dance. He didn’t have a date but neither did most of his friends. Interesting times but I guess less pressure if you just decide to go with a bunch of friends. When I first found out cancer was back a little over a year ago my primary thoughts were of the kids not having a mom around to see them graduate, get married, have kids of their own, etc. Since I’ve been stable over a year some of those thoughts have faded (a little) but every time something significant happens like graduation, off to college, or this homecoming dance, my heart swells and I feel so grateful to still be here.

What can I say about being a mom with cancer? Many of my emotions I can’t even iterate on paper. This may be the hardest part. When I first got cancer the kids were 5, 7, and 10 and my thoughts were consumed with being able to raise the kids to at least adulthood when maybe they wouldn’t need a mom as much, but now that my kids are there or close to that ‘adulthood’ age I realize they still need a mom and maybe even more. Watching them grow up and being there for these moments is both heartbreaking and beautiful. I guess the best description of being a mom with cancer is ‘overwhelmed’; every event, every moment, every time they lay their head on my shoulder, every great conversation, every text or call just to say hello, and every ‘I love you’ is overwhelming, like my heart may burst into a thousand pieces with joy and love. On the other side, every harsh word or rude comment, every ‘you’re so annoying’, every time they make a bad decision, it is absolutely piercing heartbreak. Thankfully the negative is not often but it still happens and it’s hard. Having cancer has magnified every single emotion for me and as a mom, sometimes the emotions feel unbearable, both the good and the bad.

As it stands, motherhood is a sort of wilderness through which each woman hacks her way, part martyr, part pioneer; a turn of events from which some women derive feelings of heroism, while others experience a sense of exile from the world they knew.~Rachel Cusk

Metastatic cancer generally has no cure, it’s all about time. Being stable means more time. Being stable over a year? Slow growing…more time. I don’t want to miss anything. When they were young, I wanted to see them through to adulthood. Now that they’re older teens/young adults I want to see the rest of their stories and how it all shakes out so I’m kind of mad about it. There is no good time to have cancer. The teen/young adult years, I have decided, are the hardest years to parent. This is the time when kids push boundaries, try to bend the rules, and try to shove their way into adulthood and oh yeah, they can drive away. Why am I mad? Because at a time when I want to hold them tight and spend every possible moment I can with them, they are trying to push off into the world. It stinks. It’s hard in general to parent during teen years but even harder with cancer because again, it’s about time. So. Incredibly. Frustrating.

‘You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.’ – Eleanor Roosevelt.

How has cancer changed my mothering? I stare at the kids longer when I see them trying to memorize every feature. I move heaven and earth to be available for the times that they want to see me. I cry a lot more and not just when I’m sad, but when I’m ecstatic as well. I cry so.much. I hug them until they have to push me away and I pray for them and their future without ceasing. Motherhood stretches our hearts bigger and wider than we could have ever imagined and when you add cancer or any illness for that matter, your heart stretches to the point of breaking. I read somewhere that cancer is not just a disease of the body but of the mind, body, and soul. So true. I will not let cancer break my spirit. I will take ‘stable’ as long as possible. I am a mom. I am strong.

Today I wear one of my favorite lips products of all time, Dior Lip Glow in Berry. I have this in 3 different ‘colors’. Essentially these are lip balms but each brings out a natural hue from your lips. I love these because they’re moisturizing and give your lips enough color to feel ‘finished’. Cheers!

It’s been awhile since I last posted and like everything else, the less you do something the further away you get from it. So many things I’ve wanted to write about have entered my brain and have exited just as quickly before hitting the page. Since my last post my daughter left for college and I’ve been feeling a little off. It’s so strange but I have to say again, there’s something about a girl. She was my sit on the couch and watch America’s Got Talent girl, my shopping partner (even though neither of us likes to shop too much), my Barnes and Noble girl, my foodie/loved to eat out girl, etc. I’m adjusting and so is she. Something not talked about too often is the sibling(s) left behind. The day we dropped her off I asked my youngest son how he felt now that his two blood siblings are gone and he replied, ‘lonely’. Yes, he has the fairly new addition of 2 step sisters but he grew up most of his life with just the other two. So, just when you’re thinking they annoy each other and want to stay away from each other and this may be a welcome change in home atmosphere you realize maybe the opposite is true for the sibling left behind. Sigh.

I’ve taken quite a bit of time during my 3 week writing hiatus to process my thoughts and feelings after saying good bye to my daughter and the change in home dynamics. It’s been bittersweet. I’ve finally been able to finish a couple books that have really got me thinking and grappling with different things faith related that I will write about soon and I’ve been doing decent on my commitment to take 5-10 minutes sitting in silence and meditating; focusing on a bible verse or a positive empowering quote. I have to admit, 10 minutes of focusing and not letting my mind wander is HARD STUFF!! All this and unfortunately I still have cancer on my mind (and in my lungs). It’s so weird but as long as my cancer is stable I am just viewing it as a chronic disease for now and forging ahead with my days. I watched a great clip of an interview with Karen Walrond who is a Leadership Consultant. Every morning she asks herself 3 powerful questions: 1) ‘How can I feel connected today?’ Meaning what one action today can connect me better with a friend, my kids, my spouse, etc. 2) ‘How can I feel healthy during the day?’ Drink more water, go to the gym, say no to the potato chips, etc. and 3) ‘How can I feel purposeful today?‘ Read the bible, clean out the closet, read another chapter, write a blog, etc. Just one action you can take during your day to answer each question, super powerful. I’ve been trying this and honestly on the days I have done this exercise my attitude at the end of the day is so much better. Try it and maybe write down your answers and look at them several times that day as a reminder.

I guess I’ve been feeling kinda blah since my daughter left. Yes I miss her but I think it has more to do with the changes and pace of life. My youngest will have his drivers license soon and when that happens I know I’ll see him less. Is it strange to already miss him before he’s actually gone? Bonus: the sun is always behind the clouds pushing it’s way through and because I’m a person of faith I know the Son is always there carrying me through. In my melancholy state earlier I ran through a list in my head everything I miss whether it be from cancer or just the normal progression of life; I miss all my kids being under one roof, I miss having younger kids who didn’t talk back, I miss singing-a lot right now (for a long time it was my passion and how I was most comfortable expressing myself but cancer took away function in a vocal cord), I miss playing the piano well (hard to do with a left hand I can barely feel because of nerve damage from radiation and surgery), I miss being able to do physical activity without trouble breathing, I miss the blind optimism of living forever (although still optimistic I have lots of time left, cancer just took away the forever part in the previous phrase), I miss eating whatever I want and not gaining weight, sometimes I miss silence yet sometimes I miss chaos. Told you it’s a weird time for me. I know I’m blessed. I have an amazing family and loving husband, awesome friends, I’m generally healthy, I have a great job, and a dream that is closing in on becoming reality…but sometimes…just trying to stay real here. Thanks for journeying with me 🙂

Today I wear Bite Beauty Amuse Bouche Lipstick in Chai which is a Mauve Brown. These lipsticks are soft and moisturizing. I chose this color because it’s a great color for fall and I because I also love chai tea lattes and it’s called Chai. Cheers!

I just came home from a week long family vacation at a lake in northern Michigan. It was a beautiful and relaxing time spent with extended family just a few hours from home. The last morning we were there I walked out of our camper toward the lake and saw my daughter sitting alone on the bench at the end of the dock and I burst into tears. It’s August and in about 20 days I will say goodbye to my daughter who is taking the next step in life and moving away to go to college. Oh my heart. A few years back I said goodbye to my oldest boy as he left for college. Although I cried when I dropped him off I was mostly excited for him to start his next phase of life. There’s something about a daughter. I was telling a friend that with boys, they are struggling to find their place and their manhood throughout high school so when it’s time for them to go to college or just move on into adulthood, you as a parent are ready. I know I was ready to let him go, not in a

Now 2 off to college

bad way, it was just different. He was ready to be a man, but my baby girl? Different. I’m so excited for her next adventure yet my heart hurts a little as I prepare to let her go. I listened to a podcast today that reminded me that your child’s goodbye is hardly ever permanent, it’s just another part of yours and their story you weren’t ready to write.

‘The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence’~ Denis Waitley

As I looked at her at the end of the dock I thought about all the goodbye’s we have shared over the years. I could almost feel her hand leaving mine as I remembered dropping her off at preschool, then kindergarten, then the week long summer camps in elementary. Then there were the really big and scary goodbyes as she learned to drive and drove away alone for the first time, and in her case the mission trips; the scary goodbyes as she left for Kenya and Haiti. Raising kids is a long series of goodbyes and as they learn how to adult we learn how to let go. So hard. Add me having cancer? I. Can’t. Even.

‘Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart walking around outside your body.’~Elizabeth Stone

I can’t talk about the goodbyes without speaking about all the amazing and fantastic times before, after, and around the good-byes. I vividly remember the day she was born, her first hello to the world. I have loved watching her grow into the smart and driven young woman she has become and I am truly excited to see her fly. For now I continue to prepare myself to have my house as a place she visits instead of a place she lives and to leave another piece of my heart somewhere else.

‘If you would have your child to walk honorable through the world, you must not attempt to clear the stones from her path, but teach her to walk firmly over them-not insist on leading her by the hand but let her learn to go alone.’ Anne Bronte (changed from son to child and him to her)

Today I wear Fresh Sugar Lip Treatment in Sugar Bloom which is a deep shimmery pink. I have this lip treatment in a few colors and they are great for summer. They are moisturizing, have a lot of color and are sun protective with SPF 15. I chose this color today really for the name ‘bloom’. It’s time for my daughter to bloom. Cheers!

‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.’ Prov 3:5-6

What does that really mean? Another version says ,’…do not depend on your own understanding,’ while another puts it this way, ‘Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure everything out on on your own.’

This verse has been one of my life mantras since getting cancer the first time in 2008. It’s a bible verse I’ve heard most of my life and it was one of the first I memorized years ago but like everything else, I had my own definition of what it meant to trust God. What I found is that it is so easy to say the words but when adversity happens and the words have to be put to the test, well, that’s a different story. In other words, it is so easy to trust God with YOUR plan of how things should be but what about God’s plan, what if His plans are different? Not so easy to trust, huh? After getting cancer the first time I had faith that God was in control. When it came back the 2nd and 3rd time I still had the faith but then I had to exercise my trust muscle and make it stronger. I discovered that faith is a noun, a belief in a higher power without proof or evidence, while trust is a verb. Trusting God means releasing all our anxieties, fears, plans, and NOT trying to figure things out on our own; releasing control BECAUSE we have faith in God. It means taking that death grip we have on our lives, our futures, our kids, our careers and opening that fist to let in some air and release fear and control even if it’s just a little.

My daughter left for Haiti last week on a mission trip and right now, Haiti is a bit unsettled. I have had some communication with her and all seems to be ok. What part of that can I control? Nothing that I know of so I have to exercise my trust muscle knowing God is in control and trusting Him as well as the powers that be that they are working on a plan to get them home. I have metastatic cancer which generally means we (Stage 4 cancer fighters) do all we can to get more time. In my 4th battle with cancer I am doing all I can in my control and I am trusting a big God that He knows what He is doing whether it’s a cure, staying stable awhile, or not. Not my plan, His. Pray. Release. Pray. Breathe. Pray. Peace that passes understanding. I cannot function in fear because there’s too much in this world to be afraid of. Everyone goes through adversity, there are always times to practice trusting but we have to be willing. Yes I want Audrey home but I also know she is doing something she loves and feels called to do and this ‘event’ will not stop her from serving in the future. Yes I want to be cancer free but trusting God does not mean life is perfect because again, that would be our plan, to me it means that I trust He knows, I trust He hears my prayers and knows the aches of my heart, and I trust He knows my fears and anxieties. With that I have some peace and I know it’s come from so much practice having to trust. Tomorrow I may feel a little differently because we’re always being stretched but for now, I’ll keep praying and I’ll take today.

Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God. – Corrie Ten Boom

No lipstick today, just a PSA…Don’t forget SPF on your lips because they can burn too!

It’s been quite a week. You know when you’re so busy that you feel like if you stop moving your head will explode? It’s kinda been a week (or 2) like that. With all the high school senior activities (clap out, picnic, prom, awards night, and graduation) along with my youngest’s Freshman awards and all the other kids’ end of year activities it’s been non-stop. Add to that a small change in my job with additional training necessary and also trying to put feet on a dream I’ve had for years (more to come later on that topic), it’s been A LOT! I have to say though that ALL these activities have made me exhausted but have also given me life. I LOVE my kids and I wouldn’t miss any of this for the world. Watching and helping my daughter navigate through all of these events has been great and again, bittersweet because I know she’s about to enter into another phase of life. On occasion at her events I would find myself wondering if I’d still be around for my son for his senior year to do all these things with him too (3 years from now). It stinks and it’s heartbreaking to think about but I can’t help it, that’s what cancer does to your thought life.

I listened to a TED talk the other day about wisdom and there was a young girl talking about how she thought that adults should really think a little more like children. Her 12 year old take on things was pretty impressive and it made me think about my teens/young adult kids. One of the most difficult thing about having teens/young adults for me is their attitude (and them driving of course). It’s laughable to me when they speak like they know it all and they’ve been through life’s traumas and they know better then you. I admit it takes a lot for me not to roll my eyes. I try to hold my tongue and not tell them ‘how life really is’ or say, ‘you’ll see’ but those words escape my mouth more times than not and if the words don’t, definitely my attitude does which then is followed by the ‘mom you’re so annoying’ which leaves me hurt and annoyed…it’s a cycle. After listening to this girl I thought about the different bible verses that talk about a childlike faith and it made me think about my kids. I don’t ever want to squelch their dreams and passions. They will experience life and all it’s joys and hardships without me preparing and telling them about it now. I try to keep my mouth shut a little more while simultaneously keeping my eyes in a stationary position and every now and then I let them be annoying and annoyed without letting it hurt my feelings too deeply (that’s the hard part).

So, are young kids wise? Nah. Does wisdom come with age and experience? Sure, but should we as adults sometimes be more like a child when living life? Absolutely.Our next door neighbor has 2 young children and they’re always playing in the yard. Here’s what I know, they play with reckless abandon. When it’s raining and muddy they’re barefoot in the nasty mud, they run down the small hill in the yard with no fear, and on occasion I catch them staring at some of the flowers like they’ve never seen anything so beautiful; they have fun in the simplicity and they notice the beauty. Adults think too much, we lose that sense of wonder somewhere along the line, and I think we lose a little of our authentic selves because we fear judgement and rejection. Kids still believe in the possibilities. Because of cancer I now straddle between fear and wonder and it’s not so bad. Living with cancer daily has given me fresh eyes and the intention to see the world and people with wonder again. Cancer and a more definitive timeline on life has opened my eyes to the beauty I’m surrounded by, has helped me not to take things so seriously, to play when I want to play, and in an awesome way to dream big and dive fearlessly into those dreams. Cancer has also allowed me to be more honest and real with people and frankly they’re more accepting of the honesty because who’s going to be mean to someone with cancer (hahaha, just kidding)? You know that line, ‘Quit acting so childish.’? Well maybe sometimes acting childish is a good place to be.

Today I wear Estee Lauder Pure Color Envy in Lacquer Lover. I’ve been a little obsessed with metallic lipcolor for whatever reason and this one fits the bill. I can’t describe the color and it looks nothing like the picture. All I can say is that these liquid lipsticks are moisturizing and this color is great for summer and I think it would look good on everyone! Cheers!

Mother’s day is around the corner and I am a mom. I am a mom with cancer. What does that mean on mother’s day for me? How have I changed? This is hard to talk about. The first time I got cancer my kids were young and all I could think of was to fight for them. I have to say, what lessened the urgency or ‘scare’ from the word cancer for me was that I had thyroid cancer which I read about and was told even by my doctors that it was the easiest and best cancer to have because of the high cure rate. When things turned out a little more complicated after the first surgery I was scared and yes, I cried…a lot. My kids were only 5, 7, and 10 at the time and I wasn’t ready to leave them (are we ever ready to leave them?). I fought, I cried, I prayed, I survived and for the next 2 years cancer came back again twice but same thing, I fought, I cried, I prayed, and throughout those years and the surgeries, and the treatments, I tried to make their lives as normal as possible. I continued to work, I volunteered at their school, I brought cupcakes and donuts to their classes for their birthdays. I rarely missed anything.

Today, 10 years later, cancer is back and it decided to spread. My kids are older, one is in college, one is headed there next fall, and the youngest is in high school. I’m older, teens are more difficult, life is rarely quiet but I fight, I cry, I pray. Life is funny because there are always things you don’t want to miss. When the kids were younger and I got cancer all I wanted was more time to get them through high school. Now that they’re older I want to see them become adults, get married, maybe meet my grandkids, I want to see them fly and flourish and know that they’ll be ok.

I am a mom. Like all moms we have pieces of our hearts walking and breathing outside our bodies. We feel their hurts, we cry when they cry, we’re happy when they’re happy. We worry, we discipline, we direct, we pray, we love, we do the best we can. There are no perfect people or perfect moms but we can love and we can teach them to love. I am a mom with cancer. I may not meet the grandkids but I am planning to. I want to see them make good decisions but I can’t control them. I want them to know that my home is a safe place and that there is love waiting for them here. My love language is time and unfortunately with cancer time is what is threatened the most so that makes my heart hurt a little. Here’s the twist, they’re all older and preparing and wanting to launch so while I try to grasp tighter and grab more moments, they are at the age of friends and freedom, and adulthood, how’s that for crappy timing…but I guess there isn’t really a good time to get sick. So that’s what’s a little different with cancer. I hug a little longer, and grasp a little tighter even though they’re older and they grasp for freedom. I stare at them more because I want to notice and memorize and soak in every nuance of their faces. When they ask to grab coffee or a movie or dinner, I jump at the chance because it’s more time. I don’t get too wound up over dumb things and I let go of simple annoyances quickly because I mainly see things in ‘big picture’ now. I listen more intently and I constantly tell them how much I love them and I fight harder, I cry harder, and I pray harder. To all the moms, stepmoms, aunts, mother figures, teachers, mentors and the village helping raise our children, Happy Mother’s Day.

Maybe every year needs one day to live wide awake to celebrate that we get to call these people ours, that we get to be the one who gets seconds and minutes and hours and days and maybe even years to witness the wonder of them…We get the gift to love our people-and what if we don’t get the wonder of another? Maybe getting to love is getting the best gift of all.~Ann Voskamp

Today I wear MAC Liptensity Lipstick in Habanero. I was looking for something a little bright after my radiation treatment. I needed a little pick me up and this color did it! I love the texture of this lipstick formula and the color is awesome. Habanero is a bright orange/red and I love it. Like the name, this color is spicy and fun! Cheers!

I took my daughter for her first college visit last weekend. She’s a senior and while others started their visits last summer she had a job and club volleyball which rolled into the school volleyball season. As a mom it was the sad reality that sooner than later I would be sending my second child off into the world. I can’t even talk about the emotions of launching a daughter yet. For my daughter, who felt right at home at the college she visited, well, I think she felt an urgency to decide what course of study she wanted to pursue. After looking at all the classes and all the directions she could go she is carefully considering what the best choice would be for her. I still remember feeling the pressure to decide what I wanted to do for the rest of my life; literally I thought whatever I chose would be for the REST.OF.MY.LIFE. What’s funny and what I’ve tried to explain to my kids is that in life you’re never truly stuck in a career and that you have to give yourself some grace. Some of the important questions I’ve asked my daughter is, who are you? What are your gifts and talents? What do you love? How has God made you? What were some of your childhood dreams? Sometimes some of the decisions we make or people/friends influence lead us into different directions but we can’t discount our history, our dreams, our core.

Who am I? I started college as a music major but ended with a degree in science. We make choices and we move on. Living with cancer has diverted my tracks more than once and every single time I get to self reflect and redirect. The beautiful part about all of it is life has been hard and awesome and although I’ve always wondered about the career path that I’ve chosen to stick with over 25 years, I am so grateful. I work and have worked with some amazing people who have become my closest friends. The times I feel like I randomly landed in this career that I maybe would not have chosen in my youth, I end up grateful for the blessings it has provided and also thankful I get to infuse my own personality and passions into my discussions. I miss singing, sometimes so much my heart hurts when I hear a beautiful song that I used to be able to sing. Cancer took that passion and childhood dream away from me but I have been given new ones. This time around with cancer being a tad more serious I am asking those questions again…what do I love, what were my childhood dreams, what are my current dreams…and I feel more of an urgency to lead my daily life in that direction, it’s been an awesome time.

Hold fast to dreams For if dreams die Life is a broken-winged bird That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams For when dreams go Life is a barren field Frozen with snow.~Langston Hughes

‘A broken-winged bird that cannot fly.’ We were all created as individuals with unique gifts and talents but stress, responsibility, kids, life in general can throw these weird curves that make us veer off the path that we wanted or that we thought we’d be on but it’s ok. It ain’t over til it’s over. So who are you? What were your dreams? What makes your heart beat a little faster? What did you think you would be doing when you grew up? I’m not there yet but with cancer I get to reflect and redirect daily and it’s exciting. Never forget the pieces of you that make you who you are and feed it daily…good for the soul and not just for the kids to think about.