KITTLE: ‘Dear Lame Duck’: Advice for the unrequited congressman

An awful lot of people are confused as to just what is meant by a lame duck Congress. It’s like where some fellows worked for you and their work wasn’t satisfactory and you let ’em out, but after you fired ’em, you let ’em stay long enough so they could burn your house down. – Will Rogers

With their days numbered and no love from the people who voted them out, it’s a hard-knock life for the lame duck.

The 112th Congress, which officially and mercifully ended late Thursday morning, boasted 85 “lame ducks” – federal lawmakers who lost their seats in the November election or opted not to run again. These departing public servants had 59 days to do good or ill before their time in office expired. Based on what we’ve seen the past two months, the pendulum generally swung toward ill.

Lowlights included:

A botched fiscal cliff deal that temporarily staves off greater intransigence and divisiveness among our fine elected officials

And complete inaction on a new Farm Bill – although, as usual, the do-as-little-as-humanly-possible Congress did pass along an extension of the old, outdated 2008 Farm Bill, through Sept. 30, 2013.

That’s no lame bird. That duck is dead!

America needs to find ways to keep its lame ducks out of trouble.

There have been some important, meaningful, and at least interesting lame duck sessions through the storied history of our federal government.

On two occasions, in 1800 and 1824, a lame duck House of Representatives selected the president and vice president, settling disputed elections. Ask Andrew Jackson how effective that lame duck was. You’d probably hear some words you thought only possible in gangsta rap lyrics.

A lame duck Senate in December 1954 that censured Wisconsin Sen. Joseph McCarthy – and I have here in my hand a list of 67 … a list of Senators who voted to censure Communist-hating old Lonesome Joe.

Proving its people-first reputation, the lame duck House in 1982 agreed to give its members a retroactive pay raise, amid a crippling economic recession.

Sixteen years later, the House’s lame duck session featured the impeachment of President Bill Clinton, who, it turns out DID HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN!

Wisconsin, per usual, did not have to hold a lame duck session of the Legislature between the election and the new session, which begins Monday. But there are 26 lame ducks total in the Senate and the Assembly, not including a couple of lawmakers who resigned early, according to a review by the Legislative Reference Bureau. Wisconsin Reporter on Thursday learned state Reps. Donna Seidel, D-Wausau, and Tamara Grigsby, D-Milwaukee, have stepped down in recent days.

So what’s a last-chance lawmaker to do? Gorge himself at the trough of the American taxpayer? Sure. Vote for expensive legislation without a morsel of conscience? You bet.

But I propose a more positive use for our unloved departing lawmakers – lame ducks as advice columnists for the lovelorn and life lost.

Here’s a sample:

Dear Lame Duck Senator from the great state of Idaho,

I’ve been dating the same woman for nearly four years. She’s a great gal. We met at a company picnic, both joined the same accounting firm at the same time. But I left the firm six months ago to begin a new career as a spinal fusion surgeon, and, quite frankly, my girlfriend and I just don’t seem to have anything to talk about anymore. Also, I think I’ve fallen in love with my anesthesiologist. I don’t want to hurt the woman I once thought was my life to go after the man I so desperately want in my life. What do I do?

Can you help, Lame Duck Senator?

Sincerely,

Befuddled in Boise

Dear Befuddled,

I strongly submit that S.1457, a bill that would allocate $150 million for an all-you-can-eat salad bar in the congressional cafeteria, half-price, name-brand cigarettes for congressional staff, and free porn for life for all senators with at least one term of service, is a proposal that takes care of the people who take care of the people. Now, I will concede the gentleman from Rhode Island’s point that these are difficult times for the average American. But I submit to this august body, should challenging times stymie the great gift that our forefathers brought to this nation: A Congress with an inherent right to salad, dressing, and all the fixins, including puddin’, cigarettes at a reasonable price and as many Seka and Jenna Jameson films as permitted under the laws of free enterprise. Please support S.1457, if not for yourselves, than for our children.

M.D. Kittle is bureau chief of Wisconsin Watchdog and First Amendment Reporter for Watchdog.org. Kittle is a 25-year veteran of print, broadcast and online media. He is the recipient of several awards for journalism excellence from The Associated Press, Inland Press, the Wisconsin Broadcasters Association, and others. Kittle's extensive series on Wisconsin's unconstitutional John Doe investigations was the basis of a 2014 documentary on Glenn Beck's TheBlaze. His work has been featured in Town Hall, Fox News, NewsMax, and other national publications, and his reporting has been cited by news outlets nationwide. Kittle is a fill-in talk show host on the Jay Weber Show and the Vicki McKenna Show in Milwaukee and Madison. Contact Kittle at [email protected]