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August 19, 2012

When Teletubbies Make More Sense

What if your entire life could be lived in one day and you
have just one more day to learn from yesterday? The second day is frozen in
time and doesn’t seem like it will pass anytime soon. You’re frozen with a day
where yesterday is just an overwhelming thought.

Allow me to simplify this thought. An entire day spent
panicking over the idea of time running out can only be productively ended with
a cathartic attempt at emoting this fear. I’m not critically ill or facing a
death sentence. I have a fairly good immune system and if all goes well I have
a good chance of making it to a healthy 60-65 (Yes, I have calculated my life
expectancy). But, I woke up today with a sinking feeling. The feeling that my
entire life so far, was lived in a day. I asked a few friends if they've ever
felt the same, just to confirm if I was still sane. Apparently not. No, they
have never felt this way and no, I’m not sane.

Anyway, I progress through the day bumping into incidents
that replicate incidents from my past. Like a vivid recollection. A revision.
It all happened yesterday. No time has passed since all my firsts. And I stand
today waiting for the day to get over which seems like the longest day I have
ever lived. This is almost sounding like paranoia. Maybe it is. I tried to
sleep through it. Woke up to find the sinking feeling burning through me faster
than before. What have I learnt from my one day of being alive? Did I try
enough? Did I make the most out of it? How much did I lose every time I said no
or gave up? No answers and the paranoia just got worse. Also, made the mistake
of sitting and comparing achievements and my present stand in life. Things got
worse.

Sigh! It still feels like yesterday was my entire life.
Today is sealed in a vacuum container waiting to be let out. And as soon as it’s
opened, game over! Scared is not even a fitting word. Till it wears off, staying
still like a humming bird flies.