The perils of having a practical Christmas

NEED some ideas for Christmas presents?

Why not flick through the glossy magazines (Napoleon III chandelier, £3,600, for the Duchess on your list, anyone?) or order a Stilton cheese, shot through with gold leaf, at £608 a kilo? All sorted? Of course not.

In times like these such ultra extravagance smacks not only of bad timing but also bad taste. Who buys presents like these?

Only the inhabitants of the twin planets of bling – Planet Banker and Planet Premier League. But back in the real world this Christmas is more cash than cashmere – give me a food shopping voucher please rather than a luxury cardie.

Everyone I know is having the same conversation with family and friends. “I’m not throwing money away on daft knick-knacks. I’m buying you something you need whether you like it or not.”

I bumped into a friend in town. “Christmas shopping?” “Yes,” she said. “I’ve just been to the dentist and now I’m on my way to the garage.”

Surely they offered a limited gift selection? Unless everyone she knew wanted an electric drill or a mole wrench?

“I’m getting the family exactly what they want. My sister has asked for a contribution to some serious dental work and my son needs two new car tyres.

They’re not cheap,” she told me. The wrapping paper alone will cost a fortune, I thought. Most of us this year are tightening not only our belts but also our budgets – and choosing gifts that just keep giving. Like my neighbour.

Last year she bought her son and his family video games and expensive toys. And now?

“I’ve bought them a tank of heating oil. They’ve had a tough year worrying about money and they can’t enjoy Christmas if they’re cold.”

“He’s seven!” he said, “he wants Lego or dinosaurs. Preferably both.” Actually he wants a shark. But what he doesn’t want is furniture.

And the truth is while adults can give each other nothing, or a new kettle, practical present-giving shouldn’t apply to small children.

Years ago when my children were very young and our personal times (as opposed to the entire world’s) were hard, we had a sensible Christmas.

We made decorations and cards, bottled sloe gin and chutney. Practical presents winged in from the four corners of the family. Supermarket vouchers, IOU babysitting coupons – even the children’s presents were “useful” – which is still my daughter’s least favourite word. “Oh, it’s just clothes,” said her six-year-old self, disdainfully discarding a half unwrapped jumper.

That was the year my mother bought my husband a bag of potting compost – less a reflection of her feelings for him and more an expression of their passion for gardening.

My sister made the mistake, only once, of replying to her husband’s question: “What do you want for Christmas?” with the risky “Surprise me.” Her expectations were sky high as she opened her eyes on Christmas morning to see three packages arranged on the duvet. Two paperripping minutes later her cry of anguish could be heard all down the avenue. “A set of flaming saucepans?!”

She whacked him with the largest one, sulked her way through the day and gave him only one sausage with his turkey.

Which is why you’ve got to make sure you’re singing from the same carol sheet. It’s not entirely a man’s fault if, when you say: “We’re not buying presents this year,” he thinks you mean it.

What you actually mean is: “I hope I am impressing you with my apparent frugality but I still expect to find something sparkling or silky on the pillow on Christmas morning. It doesn’t have to be expensive – but it better not look cheap.”

We bought a new bed last week.

“Let’s call that our Christmas present to each other.” Guess who said that? You’re right. Naturally I agreed. Because it’s irresponsible to do otherwise when we’re tobogganing down the slope of a double-dip recession.

So think how smug we’ll feel on Christmas morning? I can pat my new mattress and yes, pity those poor folk who are opening huge, shiny, glittery, fragrant, glamorous, expensive presents because… erm… where was I? Oh, yes, because they have only credit card bills to look forward to in the New Year. So I only want a tiny present.