Trump Refuses Intelligence Briefings And Says His Tinfoil Hat From Breitbart Will ‘Do Just Fine’ Instead

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President-Elect and alleged billionaire Donald J. Trump told reporters outside his Trump Tower home this morning that the nation has “nothing to worry about” despite his refusing intelligence briefings from high-ranking government officials. The briefings, given to all incoming presidents-elect are also given to the sitting president, and it is highly unusual that a president-to-be would decline them. Trump, however, explained that he has another source of intelligence, and it’ll “do just fine.”

“I’m going to rely on the messages I receive while wearing the tinfoil hat that Breitbart News gave me,” Trump told reporters, “because I trust Steve Bannon to give me the complete truth that fits my predetermined views…you know, like all open-minded Breitbart readers.”

Mr. Trump reasoned with the media that he was elected as an outsider, and that gave him “wide berth” to “change some shit up.”

“Look, for decades presidents have relied on intelligence from people all over the world who are on the ground seeing things with their own eyes,” Trump said, “and I ask you this, did we still have the Iraq War and stuff? Of course we did. Some people tell me it’s because Bush and Cheney forced their agenda through shoddy intelligence, but I think it’s because they were getting intelligence briefings period. That’s why I trust my tinfoil hat. It just, you know, fits me so well. So perfectly well. That’s what happens when you have a skull even scientists — the best scientists in the world — tell you that you have, literally, the most perfect skull in the history of mankind. Hats just fit you like a glove…for your head. That’s why I call hats head gloves. You should do. New presidential decree: hats are now head gloves. Write it down.”

Trump also offered another reason for skipping the briefings — the use of “intelligence” in their titles.

“I may have been a Democrat for a long, long time,” Trump said, “but I won as a Republican. And anyone who has listened to Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity over the last couple decades knows that universities are just liberal indoctrination centers. Intelligence itself, the very notion of knowledge, is very un-American. As Americans we are supposed to genocide first and feel remorse over the natives later. We’re supposed to sweep racism under the rug starting with the Three-Fifths Compromise, into and out of slavery, and Jim Crow laws. We don’t need no stinkin’ colleges and shit. Oh did I go to college? One of the best money could buy, of course, but you know, that’s different. Because I’m a Republican now, remember? Bing-bang-boom, I’m right.”

Since 1900, the Republican Party has taken control of both houses of Congress and the White House in both 1928 and 2000. In both instances, there was a horrific economic calamity and unforeseen warfare as well as enormous social upheaval. Mr. Trump, when asked, couldn’t spell “upheaval.” At current count, Trump had more than 65 million votes cast against him, with roughly 63 million counted for him. He will be the next President of the United States regardless of how many more people didn’t want him to be.