Feb 22: National No Non-Procreative Sex Day

It has a four year cycle that parallels the elections. It is most quiescent in the winter after a Presidential election, with a moderate spike in the lead up to midterm elections. There is a respite the following winter and then a full blown attack starts a year before Election Day. Symptoms crescendo until the President is elected and then the cycle starts again. The cure for uncontrolled vagina and uterus syndrome is Traditional American Values. A known byproduct of this illness is shaking money out of the pockets of the Religious Right.

Evidence that we are now in a the midst of a full-blown epidemic of uncontrolled vagina and uterus syndrome:

The GOP doesn’t think employers, or even health plans, should cover contraception. Reason being it’s cheap (to a millionaire yes, yes it is) and it’s going to put us all on a fast track to Hell’s nightclub, Sodom and Gomorrah. To quote the learned Mr. Santorum, contraception is “a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.” That is assuming, of course, that the television shows “Virgin brides” and “19 kids and counting” are part of your manifesto for a fulfilled life.

Take home message: sex is only for procreation inside of marriage.

The House Oversight Committee Chairman Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) is running a hearing on the Obama administration’s new birth control rule with an all male panel. Not one of whom is even a gynecologist.

Take home message: contraception, it’s a man’s issue.

And of course, there is the eloquent Foster Friess, a chief financial backer of Rick Santorum, who suggested women use, “Bayer aspirin” for birth control. You know, putting it between their legs.Take home message: women are all sluts and if we just learned to keep our legs together and not tempt men everything would be just fine.

I hereby proclaim February 22nd as National No Non-Procreative Sex Day (or NNNPSD for short). And no cheating with oral sex y’all, because oral sex is sex (and it’s certainly not for procreation!). If you’re trying to have a baby you’re good to go, but anyone having sex for fun, well, don’t.

I chose February 22nd because that’s the date of the next GOP debate and nothing is a bigger libido killer than watching four old men argue about how to govern the vagina and uterus.

So ladies, tune into the debate on February 22nd and get turned off. And in the wee hours of February 23rdas we all fitfully toss and turn before arguing with our partners over who gets the cold shower first we can all feel what it’s really like to be a champion of traditional American values.

I agree with everything you said. Perfect. And the comment about four old men talking about a woman’s vagina was hilarious. Your writing skills are excellent. Thanks but I will not celebrate on the 22nd as I love sex and so does my wife. And I am an old man but not stupid.

You know what bugs me as follows: You KNOW that the GOP had the 12 years of Bushes to tackle the abortion issue. You know they had years of time. They had the majority. The only reason why this is on their witch hunt list NOW is because Obama is in office and not them!

This is beautiful – my favorite line: because that’s the date of the next GOP debate and nothing is a bigger libido killer than watching four old men argue about how to govern the vagina and uterus. So true!