Why online functionality on the Switch sucks.

Posted in rants

Ugh… I didn’t want to make this post. But since I’m pissed, and I need to vend, I’m going to. Just a quick warning, things are about to get salty. Very salty.

The Nintendo Switch has paid online functionality. As much as I wanted it to be a suprise, it was not. Since Nintendo has always been a couple years behind when it comes to fads in gaming, their latest generation (the 3DS and the Wii U) thankfully had free online support. It was a shit connection, and there are tons of issues with the 3DS and Wii U’s connectivity, but at least it was free. I didn’t have to pay money to play a Pokémon battle against some guy in Australia, I just could do it. No ifs, no buts. I could just do it. It inspired me with a certain amount of trust. Online functionality is a pretty big thing in Nintendo games, it usually isn’t slapped on it for the games sake. Many games offer most of their content through online functionality in fact. Smash, Pokémon, Mario Kart, the list goes on when it comes to games which just wouldn’t have become this big without having online gameplay.

Now, if you were to check what is actually offered for paid online functionality, the list of rewards is utterly laughable. As much as I despise Sony and Microsoft for forcing it’s users to pay for online functionality after already buying the damn system, they at least offer something in addition with free games for those that cough up the cash. Nintendo however saw the idea and just couldn’t resist the thought of ‘free money’ that popped into their head, without properly looking at why this is a good idea. Nintendo’s offer? A single (S)NES game each month… which is temporary. That means that after one month, your shiny Switch takes a look at your game, thinks ‘you’ve had it for long enough… you can’t play it anymore!’. The concept of Nintendo’s demo’s are a topic I could devout an entire article to if I were so inclined, but that is basically what this is. A demo. For a month. Most of these games are difficult enough on their own so that completing them will take at least two months. (Specifically, I’m talking about the SNES games here, NES games are mostly all garbage).

And you now the shittiest part? Nintendo will get away with this. Why? Because Nintendo fanboys are the worst fanboys on the internet and buy anything as long as Nintendo approves. I will get a Switch (probably), but this is just outrageous. I won’t be getting online functionality, until the device has been hacked to connect to custom servers, where you can play without having to spend money. Because paying for what essentially amounts to another internet bill is ridiculous.

And that’s not even starting to talk about the other Switch bullshit with hardware gimmicks and overpriced accesories getting shoved in like there’s no tomorrow. The Switch had one job: Be the tablet from Nintendo. But Nintendo just had to add some of it’s own fucking touch into it and fuck up everything that to me could have made the system a good thing.

Also, Nintendo here is a polite final message: Don’t try to be cool. You are roughly 10 years behind on the ‘this is cool’ train. At that point it just becomes cringy. Please do not do that.