Business Casual Racist and Longtime Hater of the Blunt Jeff Sessions Would Like to Make D.A.R.E. Great Again

When it comes to what he would like to achieve as attorney general, business casual racist Jeff Sessions has long made many of his goals abundantly clear. When it to comes to black folks, he would very much like for us to stop whining about voting rights, police brutality and the Confederacy’s right to flex. In short: Return to the bottom of the totem pole and be happy we’re not hanging from it. As for LGBTQ people, we best take all those letters and report to the nearest closet and/or conversion therapy appointment.

With respect to Americans collectively, he highly recommends that the only greenery we consume be served on a plate (though optional to be prepped by a black cook named Mabel on an Alabama plantation).

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While white supremacy’s Southern legal beagle is certainly hard at work on all of those goals, he’s been remarkably aggressive in his pursuit against weed.

A task force Mr. Sessions appointed to, in part, review links between violent crimes and marijuana is scheduled to release its findings by the end of the month. But he has already asked Senate leaders to roll back rules that block the Justice Department from bypassing state laws to enforce a federal ban on medical marijuana.

That has pitted the attorney general against members of Congress across the political spectrum—from Senator Rand Paul, Republican of Kentucky, to Senator Cory Booker, Democrat of New Jersey—who are determined to defend states’ rights and provide some certainty for the multibillion-dollar pot industry.

“Our attorney general is giving everyone whiplash by trying to take us back to the 1960s,” said Representative Jared Huffman, Democrat of California, whose district includes the so-called Emerald Triangle that produces much of America’s marijuana.

As soon as Attorney General “Segregation Now, Segregation Forever” was confirmed, many marijuana activists worried about just how aggressive he would be in taking on the weed legalization happening in states across the country. After all, Sessions is the same person who infamously joked that he thought that Ku Klux Klan was “OK until I found out they smoked pot.” That’s so funny, I could take a piss on every white sheet he owns.

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But while it remains to be seen how successful Sessions will be in taking on the states over the issue of the legalization of recreational and medicinal marijuana usage (isn’t it hysterical that a man named Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III plans to infringe on states’ rights?), he seems to have other tricks up his sleeve to further soil the name of glorious marijuana.

Speaking at a D.A.R.E. (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) conference, Sessions had this to say about the old and long-proven-to-be-ineffective program:

D.A.R.E. is, I think, the best remembered anti-drug program today. In recent years, people have not paid much attention to that message, but they are ready to hear it again. … We know it worked before, and we can make it work again.

Fun fact: In elementary school, I won a D.A.R.E. essay contest.

I don’t remember the prize, but I won it in fifth grade—around the same time my then-slender frame started to hastily widen after I started consuming 20-piece Chicken McNugget orders solo dolo in what I would later learn in life constituted emotional eating—so I imagine the prize was probably some Pizza Hut coupon or some shit like that. I would show you the picture, but I didn’t dare bother my mama to go in my room back in Houston to go find wherever I left my old elementary school yearbook to show you the photograph that was featured inside. Just trust me, y’all.

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I also recall my music teacher, Mrs. Thompson, forcing us to learn an anti-drug song to coincide with the program.

Here’s the hook:

D.A.R.E. to keep a kid off drugs. D.A.R.E. to keep a kid off dope.

It was not lit.

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In any event, because I lived in an area that was classified as the “inner city,” let me tell you on an anecdotal level (’cause I’ve already linked y’all to the site to various studies), that shit didn’t work. People end up on drugs for various reasons, but trust and believe like peak Keyshia Cole that D.A.R.E.’s psychological methodology—Be scared!—proved ineffective. It’s pretty much on par with those who create the poor socioeconomic conditions that result in many people—including those I went to school with—turning to selling drugs as a means of support.

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Speaking of, that Keebler-elf-looking somebody also found the time at this conference to fault the drug policies of former President Barack Obama over his sentencing-reform policies, claiming that Obama directed prosecutors “not to charge the most serious offenses.” Yes, because mass incarceration—specifically themed around locking up millions over nonviolent offenses—is cruel and unhelpful.

You can’t tell him that, though. In his deluded mind—which appears to not be able to compute any strategy that was not first conceived in black or white or near a burning cross—trying to scare kids and sticking people who really just need greater opportunities in prisons is the way to go. Therein lies the ongoing problem with a smaller fraction of the country successfully electing a bigot into the White House with the help of an outdated Electoral College and the Russian government: He appoints other bigots like Jeff Sessions, who are nothing more than relics from the unsuccessful war on drugs.