In Defense of America’s Spoiled Children

This week’s New Yorker contains “Spoiled Rotten,”an article written by Elizabeth Kolbert that is certain to instigate a lot of chatter online because it paints a very unflattering portrait of our kids. Kolbert writes that “…contemporary American kids may represent the most indulged young people in the history of the world,” and presents them as disobedient, incompetent at basic tasks, and lacking in direction. If she’s right about all of this there can only be one explanation: we’re doing a horrible job of raising our kids. Is she right? Are we horrible parents?

I don’t think so. I actually think American kids are pretty terrific overall, but they do leave a lot to be desired when judged against the children of the cultures Kolbert mentions. Kolbert praises the children of the Peruvian Matsigenka tribe for being able to perform adult responsibilities (like cooking or using machetes), and French children, who possess impeccable manners. No, I don’t know many American kids I would trust with a machete, and no, I would not say American children have “impeccable manners.”

Annie says, “Sorry, French kids. I am LOVING this cake!

Here’s the thing though. While I care about Annie being self-sufficient and well behaved, those aren’t the only qualities I’m trying to cultivate in her. I, like many American parents, put a premium on other qualities that are not nearly as developed in these cultures that put obedience and discipline first.

Despite negative portrayals in the media, the majority of American children I know are good kids who are in command of their emotions, understand ethics, and show empathy toward others. Developing these qualities isn’t easy. We give our kids more autonomy and make them more active participants in our family life. We rely less on the old school “us and them” style of parenting where kids do what they are told “because we said so.” Kids raised in those old school environments learn what they are supposed to do, but not why.

I am proud of involving Annie in our family life in a profound way and helping to develop her interpersonal skills. While the children of the Matsigenka tribe may be able to wield a machete at Annie’s age, I doubt they could understand as well as Annie why they should be nice to other people, or when to offer their Dad a hug when he feels blue. (Edited to add: Some commenters took exception to this part because they felt I was saying that the children of the Matsigenka tribe lack empathy. I absolutely think they have empathy, of course. But kids develop different skill sets depending on their location in the world. Annie doesn’t need to focus on learning basic survival at a young age as the children of the Matsigenka, so she has the luxury to hone other qualities like empathy. Kolbert’s article praises the children of Matisgenka for so quickly learning to work harmoniously in their tribe, and rightfully so, that is wonderful, but nowhere does she acknowledge that American children may have developed their own positive qualities. That is what I was trying to point out.)

As a very involved Dad who cares deeply about raising the best adult Annie possible, I’m tired of hearing so much criticism of American kids. Are our kids perfect? No. Are we perfect parents? Of course not. We are, however, the perfect parents for our kids, and have no reason to hang our heads in shame. We are creating good little people with skill sets that, if different from kids in other countries, are no less valuable.

43 Comments

Mommy says:

Amen!!! Side bar: Annie is holding that fork perfectly! Very impressive for a 2 year old!!

My 3 year old still grabs it with a fist as he shovels in his food. Sigh. The table manners, we are working on. But the love and empathy and being kind to others? The kid’s got it. The other day he got very scared of a spider that dared come into the house (gag), but told us not to squish it, “Because he probably has a Mommy. She would be so sad!” My heart melted. And then of course I couldn’t squish the darn thing, so I made my hubby scoop him up and put him outside while we hid in the other room. 😉 I am so proud of my sweet and thoughtful little man. He needs to follow rules and be polite too, but I completely agree that building his character and making him a caring person is even more important.

Karen says:

As a teacher, I see many different types of children. I wouldn’t even begin to try to lump them all into one category that I could stick a label on and be content that I’d done them all justice. Perhaps the pursuit of the ideals that you’ve outlined, Heather, leaves more opportunity to create little monsters if we’re not equipped to do it properly or if we only uphold certain tenets whilst disregarding others but we also produce some pretty outstanding human beings. People are always going to be defensive about judgments like this, I think, but any time you choose to compare one group of people to another, there are any number of ways you can focus your analysis to give a “positive” or “negative” outlook. Just raise your kids the way you believe is best and be the very best parent you can be. The enormously strong start that gives a child can never be overrated.

Mommy says:

Heather P says:

While I do agree with you, I also agree that we are raising a generation of “entitled” children, and, quite frankly, it scares me. I don’t look forward to seeing the future of our economy after these kids start getting credit cards. We have enough of a problem in OUR generation with people wanting things NOW and paying LATER. My husband and I do NOT live like that, and I will do everything in my power to make my son doesn’t either. We need to teach kids more about earning things again… that is where I think we are failing them a bit (not all of us, of course…. you know who you are 😉 ).

Megan says:

I agree as well. I’m concerned that kids are being given so much more today than they were 20 years ago or 50 years ago because there’s so much more to get. When I was in elementary school 20 years ago, a $30 Walkman and a tape or two to go with it was a nice birthday gift. A $100 CD player might make a REALLY nice gift. Now a $250 ipod for a 7-year-old is the norm.

But incomes have not increased at the same rate. So if electronic devices that cost hundreds of dollars are the norm, what’s going to happen when today’s kids are thinking about what they want to do for a living? Will they look for careers that match their talents and what they like to do, even if it’s writing or teaching, or will they feel, even more than previous generations, like they have to follow the money?

I also worry about the lack of unstructured time today’s kids have and the fact that they rarely just play outside. But yes, there are a lot of good things about the way parents like you and Heather raise their kids, too. Every culture raises kids with different backgrounds, experiences and abilities. That’s a good thing.

I also worry about the lack of unstructured time today’s kids have and the fact that they rarely just play outside.

I worry about that too. In fact, it’s part of what’s steering my research interests in grad school. I think that the only solution is for schools to pick up the slack of giving kids an unstructured, creative environment, which will probably be a pain in the ass to convince people of, what with our stupid climate of “accountability” (seriously, when was the last time you had fun learning something because you had to?).

Jackie S. says:

Kate says:

After having read the article myself, I have to say I am perplexed and, frankly, a little disturbed at your conclusion that American children are somehow emotionally/morally superior to other children. The example at the start of the article seems to disprove this point immediately: the little girl who asked to go on the fishing trip was not being ordered to help out, but she did it anyway of her own volition, suggesting that she understood the innate value of pitching in. Your repeated focus on “machete wielding” reveals your misunderstanding of the article’s thesis. Not only do you suggest that these other children are underdevleoped in ambiguous “other qualities,” becuase they are to busy following orders, based on no evidence, the article actually suggests a point to the contrary.Neither the French nor Peruvian parents mentioned value “discipline and obedience” as you suggest, but rather understanding the needs and desires of others to be as real and important as their own needs and desires. This does not preclude “knowing when to give Dad a hug,” but rather encourages that same concept in far more broad reaching ways.

Andrea says:

I agree with this. Your summary of the article seems to me to be very superficial and not based on actual evidence presented.

I also agree that the level of entitlement I observe in many kids in this country is worrisome. (I am not in any way making a direct comment about Annie specifically; this is just something I see in general.) This is something we will work very hard with our daughters to avoid.

hdj says:

I also think, in the case of the Peruvian tribe – everything they do is for their survival. I’m not really sure you can compare the suburbs of LA to the jungle and come up with parallel societal comparisons for how kids in these different cultures are raised. It’s going to be different. The point of the article is that those kids are more aware of how they fit into the collective and understand ways that they can/need to contribute and just do it. They assume the responsibility because it is expected of them. And in America we don’t think our kids can do anything without detailed explanation and incredible oversight so we hover over everything they do and stifle their development.

I do try to explain to my daughter the “why” in the things I expect, but at the end of the day, sometimes “because I said so” really is the answer. If everything is a discussion, then everything becomes a discussion and it’s rarely about deeper understanding for a kid that doesn’t want to do something – it’s more about figuring out how to talk their way out of what you want them to do because they realize they have been given a say.

I love that. “mom, why?” Because I told you to – now please go do it. I do my best to be polite to my children, but there are times when they don’t need to be involved in a conversation, or to know everything that’s going on.

Evelyn says:

There are always going to be articles (or books) extolling the virtues of one culture’s parenting skills over another. Since these children and parents are operating under a different set of influences (industrial versus farming; national healthcare; religious influece) it seems more akin to apples and oranges. Annie seems like an inquisitive, thoughtful, sweet little girl so obviously you and Heather are on the right track. But suggesting that the two year old of the Matsigenka tribe doesn’t have the empathy to “hug her dad when he’s blue” is sort of an absurd statement that since you’re not versed in their tribe’s mores. I understand feeling defensive of “America’s parenting” but we’re not perfect. We have the highest incidence of incarcerated persons per capita. At one point these were adorable kids. Now they’re criminals. Obviously something isn’t working correctly. Maybe it’s that they’re spoiled, maybe it’s a broken penal system. I know you enjoy writing these “thinking” pieces, but as in this piece, you often come off as culturally insensitive and soapboxy while having little to back up your opinion.

Laura` says:

I have to say that I agree with Kate, above. My thoughts are that just because we can point to examples of American kids being ‘good kids’, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t also spoiled. Mine are! I have wonderful, smart, nice, caring, etc. kids. But, my kids are also spoiled. I think about this pretty often and make an effort in not just taking the ‘easy’ route when it comes to having them take some responsibility around the home. My youngest (3) is the worst. When I ask her to pick up something, she nearly always whines, “I can’t” or “Help me”, etc. Whle I do think I can model more positive influence by showing her how we do it and making it just part of a routine of life rather than just yelling at her to do it, I DO have to follow through with having her do it instead of just giving up and doing it myself to avoid the whining and to save time. She has got to learn that it isn’t an option – it is part of being in the family. When we follow through with what is expected of them, they will come around to knowing what they are to do. My 8 year old is responsible for feeding and watering our dogs every morning and afternoon. At first he grumbled a bit, but now he just does it and doesn’t say a word (we don’t even have to remind him!). Seeing that makes me know we’re doing something right.

Laura says:

Haven’t read the article yet and it might just be because of social media that we hear so many more stories – but I have to tell you I agree with the premise of the article. We are witnessing epidemic stories of bullying, so many instances of kids being incredibly mean to each other and as with the bus monitor woman, even to adults. Friends of mine here in CA were hate crime victims of three teenage girls who wrote horrible ethnic slurs on their driveway and left dog feces on their porch. They were driven to my friends’ house by one of the kids mother. I read these kinds of stories every day. I realize kids have always been prone to this kind of behavior, I just cannot remember it happening so often and with such disregard as it seems to be happening with this generation. I’m 52 and that kind of behavior could never have been dreamed about when my peers and I were that age.

I also wonder if these kinds of events are on the rise, or if they’re just reported more often because of the easy use of social media and technology. Sorry this happened to your friends. I think I read about your friends, or a similar story where John Lovitz got involved. That was awful.

Laura says:

Yes Denise, those are the friends of mine I was referring to. Their daughter was the target. The mother that drove them (they are 13) was finally charged last week regarding her participation. Disgusting behavior.

I just started this article last night and am about halfway through it so I can’t really respond in a truly educated fashion yet. But, I will say that I worry about raising an entitled child and try really hard to impress upon her that there are other’s needs to consider in addition to her own. Of course, she’s only 5 so I’m not too hardcore about it. But, perhaps that is the point of the article. 😉

Guess I should finish reading first. Regardless, I liked your rebuttal – very well written.

Jennifer says:

I also had read the article and found it thought-provoking, and so enjoyed reading your take on it — but was a bit dismayed you suggested the Matsigenka may not have empathy, and may not understand when to offer dad a hug — we are all human after all!! I am sure they do understand those things just as well as any of us. But, yes, we are putting a premium on other objectives, probably most importantly with the Matsigenka comparison, an education.

Also, it’s worth noting that household work holds extremely low status in the USA, probably because it doesn’t draw a paycheck (and why stay-at-home moms are non-glorified.) Even stay-at-home moms farm the work out, if they can afford to. Whether right or wrong, we seem to believe household chores is not what’s going to make or break our kids.

Oh, and dissatisfaction with the new generation is absolutely nothing new, see Socrates’s quote —
“The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority, they show disrespect to their elders…. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and are tyrants over their teachers.” -Socrates

Laura says:

I believe very strongly in the power of assigning household chores. My nephew is 19 and even though there was a nanny/housekeeper in residence at my sisters house (she is a single Mom and has been for all of Joe’s life) he was required to do chores around the house from a very young age. As soon as he could walk at the end of the day he was required to pick up all his toys that were strewn around the apartment and return them to his room, back in the baskets where they lived til he played with them again. As soon as he was old enough to be able to carry heavier things he was given the take out the garbage chore as well as the carry the groceries into the house from the car chore. He was asked to keep his clothes hung up, in his drawers or in the hamper. He was responsible for helping to set the table for meals as well as clearing his own plate. At 19 he is very responsible, manages his own money (yes he has a job), cooks for himself and does his own laundry, (even though he lives at home and there is still a housekeeper who comes in twice a week and does his Mom’s laundry) is kind and thoughtful of others and never went through the surly rebellious teenager phase. He’s an all around great kid and I think that instilling responsibility and expectations at a young age has shaped him in this very positive way.

Mike, generally I agree with your posts, but on this one I’m heartily disagreeing. I absolutely agree with other posters who are seeing what I see – a generation (or two) of completely entitled children. Case in point: someone came to my house a number of years ago, when my youngest was around 2 or 3, and was shocked. “what’s the matter,” I asked. “There are no stickers on your walls or cupboards!” um, no, because my children know to NOT put them on the cupboard. I currently have a cousin who’s daughter FREAKS whenever the mother leaves the room – and she’s FIVE. And even Heather has recounted stories about Annie hitting her – something that would never be allowed in so many other societies. Is a little spoiling okay? I think so – but being spoiled rotten is not.

Thanks for providing the link to the article. When I read about the American families where the children were supposed to provide a stark contrast to the self-sufficient, obedient girl from the tribe I didn’t feel like the children were the problems in the American families. It seems like the parents were at fault, especially in the case of the little boy who wouldn’t take a bath. The father carries him into the bathroom, but wouldn’t supervise the bath? Why? He didn’t want to miss the big game on TV? He was afraid his beer would get warm?

I disagree with your premises Mike. My childhood has been divided between two very different cultures and social expectations, so I’ve had a good deal of experience of both (I lived in Eastern Europe until I was ten, and after that in the West). I’m also a family therapist and I’ve been working with parents for the last eight years, so I’ve had a lot of opportunity to observe families and the trends in the kind of problems they present. (When I’m talking about Western and non-Western parents here I’m talking primarily about white parents in urban environments, since that’s where most of my experience and data comes from).

A lot depends on the personality of a child. Those that are naturally quite easy will prosper in any environemnt, while those that are complicated (often this means very intelligent, spirited and sensitive children) can become very chaotic and destructive unless contained by a structure and a firm, loving authority.

The idea that non-Western children lack empathy is frankly preposterous. In the East I actually think that morality and kindness is much more emphasised particularly in young people’s relationship with their elders which is also reflected in the family structure. Generally speaking there isn’t the same expectation that children will move out (they also can’t really afford to) so multiple generations live together. You help look after your elders and your elders help look after your children. This is not to say that the system is perfect – the women particularly can wind up doing too much and the men far too little – but on the whole there is a lot more attachment and social support than I have observed in the West.

I’ve never yet met a ‘bad’ child whose nature was not explained by a neuro-developmental condition (or much more often) by aspects of their life experience, social world and family dynamics.

Although this type of child will fight against the boundaries without them they will descend into a chaos that is distressing for both parent and child. I’ve been seeing a lot of child-centered parents who think authority means shouting and rigidity and since they don’t want to be mean to their children they end up trying to be their friends. With complex children this does not work and the resulting chaos is enormous. This type of family reports that their child is a hellion at home, while in school we see a very different child – calm and contained. Over the last 8 years we keep having a rise in the amount of parents who want their children assessed for ADHD, and 9/10 the child has no underlying disorder but they are reacting to home and family dynamics. This is very good news because family dynamics are on the whole easier to shift than neuro-developmental disorders.

In the East children are generally expected to entertain themselves a lot of the time. Adults have a lot of things to do and boredom is a terrific motivator to help teach children how to exercise their natural playfulness, sociability and imagination. (Obviously it is great for adults and children to interact and play together; however I have increasingly observed adults in the West feeling like they need to be this all exciting, stimulating, educational, positively-reinforcing circus of enrichment which is exhausting to do and can get in the way of a child developing their self-containment and self-entertainment skills).

On the whole children in the West are less well-educated, less skilled and less self-reliant than the children of non-Western cultures. A lot more is done for and a lot less expected of the children in the West in terms of academic accomplishments or contributions to personal development and family life and they live up to that. My four year old son can bake a whole cake by himself (I help measure out ingredients and remind him of the next thing to do in the process but the rest is all him). He wasn’t born with this knowledge – both kids have been involved in helping me to do things around the house and garden since they were able to understand and respond to instructions and over time they’ve been able to do more by themselves.

It’s learned behaviour – we just do these things as a family and using tools to make and do things is fun for them.

There is teaching in there too – teaching my son about the plants we are growing, about pests, about how to identify and pull weeds. He really likes to prune and trim plants – he can understand to be careful with the shears and having succesfully demonstrated to me that he can use this tool, he is allowed to do so. I need to supervise him of course to make sure he doesn’t shear off the wrong thing but he is learning all the time. He has also got quite good at scrubbing tile and steam-cleaning floors.

My husband from his earliest childhood helped his dad wire and repair electronics. Sure, at the earlies time his help was holding and passing tools, but over the years he progressed to working with the tools himself and he learned many awesome new skills that I hope he will teach our children.

Annie doesn’t need to wield a machete in order to survive in LA. But a culture, a learned habit of expecting children to pitch in with family tasks and acquire skills is part of the thing that makes them thrive as well as ingraining good habits about ways things are done around the house.

I have observed much beautiful nurturing in Western parenting, much of the boosting of children’s self-esttem. This is wonderful, but it works best when it’s done with the boosting of the child’s skillset and motivations so they have things to be confident ABOUT. Teaching critical thinking skills is crucial, but then you should also make sure that they have learned sufficient data to exercise the critical thinking on. Just like the Eastern educational system has much to learn from Western pre-schools and development of critical thinking/evaluating, as well as extending educational support for children with special needs so the West could benefit from asking itself why it is so consistently outperformed in international measures like math and science.

I don’t think Western parents should be hanging their heads in shame. The majority are perfectly competent and loving caregivers with a lot to offer and a lot to be proud of. I just don’t think American parents should be turning their heads away in denial either from potentially valuable information. This is a teachable moment, but if it’s reacted to with a kneejerk ‘defending honour of family and country’ then the risk is not learning anything at all.

Maria says:

Tina says:

Dude, no two year-old has empathy. Kids are physiologically incapable of empathy until they are five or so. My two year-olds mimic the caring behaviors that we model for them but they don’t really care about us and how we feel, they care about us praising them for being kind. Just last night one of my daughters said “I want to hug sister” and basically wrestled her protesting sister to the ground while watching me out of the corner of my eye.

Actually, much like any other developmental qualities, empathy shows up at different ages in different kids. It’s also not an all or nothing quality.

You’re also conflagrating theory of mind and empathy. The former is knowing that others have feelings too and guessing what they are, whereas the latter is to feel for other people based on what you know about them.

You can have the latter without the former. In fact, that’s what people who are on the autistic spectrum have major problems with: they would probably empathize a lot more with other people, if only they were able to read those people’s emotions. As it is, they need for someone to state unquestionably “I am sad right now” for them to be able to go “Gee, I don’t like that you feel that way. What can I do?”.

Funny, I’ve been thinking of this a lot and I just blogged about it myself. Overall, (and I’m guilty of this too), we expect too little from our kids. I’m actually reading a book called “Do Hard Things” (I’m a Jr. High Youth Pastor) and it talks about how the label of teenager is a fairly modern concept and how kids (and adults) either rise to the expectations we have of them, or lower themselves to the expectations we have of them. So, if we think our kids aren’t capable of doing something, they won’t do it. If we think that teens are lazy and uncaring, that is how they will act.

It takes every part of my self control to not clean up a mess after my 5 year old and to not dress my 3 year old because it’s faster and easier. I know they need to learn how to do it, and if it’s not done perfectly, I know that they will improve with practice. I also know that me undoing something they do and redoing it will simply demotivate them.

On another note, I don’t think empathy can be taught. It can be modeled, but empathy is definitely a personality trait.

I have more to say about the entitlement of kids these days, but I blogged about it already. And, Mike, just a question, but didn’t you blog about the whole “fml” thing earlier this year about kids who didn’t get ipads and iPhones for Christmas? Wouldn’t that be an example of entitlement and being spoiled? (That’s not meant as an attack on you, I’m just pointing out an example).

You’ll be glad to hear that the notion of French children having impeccable manners is a myth, Mike! I not only see badly-behaved French kids in my job every day but my husband and I also witness plenty out and about (on the street, in the metro etc). They are really no better behaved than kids anywhere else. Case in point: I had a French penpal when I was about 14. We had been introduced through my auntie and a friend of hers and one evening we were all scheduled to meet up for dinner at my penpal’s house. My auntie thought at the time that my sister and I did not have great table manners, so we got the obligatory pre-dinner lecture about how nicely French children sit and eat at the table. This was blown completely out of the water: my penpal was in a bad mood because us being there meant she missed a TV programme she wanted to watch (this being the days before video on demand!), her younger brother left the table after the main course to go swimming in the family pool only to come and sit back down dripping wet for dessert, and the youngest sister (age 2) decided to take off all her clothes and run around wearing nothing but a bedsheet pretending to be a ghost. Cue smug comeback from us after the dinner (we had sat there dutifully the entire time, eating things we didn’t even like etc without a word of complaint)!! So don’t believe a word of it Mike :p

Tina says:

I’m not a parent myself, so many might say I’m in no position to judge. But I have to say, I do agree with the commenters here who are disagreeing with you, Mike. You certainly come across as a very good father and a devoted one, but in this particular case I think you’re looking at things a bit too simplistically and from a somewhat provincial perspective.

Christina says:

I love this topic. I agree with many of your points but on a general level I disagree. The thing is, yours is 1 particular point of view – that of a good parent! This perspective/this argument only works assuming that the majority of parents are, therefore strengthening our society in the future (or the opposite if that isn’t true). I don’t know if there are more good parents than bad parents out there, but I know the bad ones are around and in strong numbers. They’re within my own family. I know teenagers who have never done a chore, never learned to cook a basic food item, come and go as they please, have their heads in their phones even at the dinner table, even a teen whose mother still cuts his meat for him (GAH!). Yeah, maybe some of them are sweet kids, but with such extremes in terms of lack of skills, discipline, or motivation, I don’t know how far that will get them in life. Annie (and plenty of other kids) might be “spoiled” from some people’s perspectives but that doesn’t mean you have no balance AT ALL in what you’re teaching her (skills vs. compassion). Again, you, along with many of the parents here, and many of my friends I am proud to say, are good parents. But there are people out there failing every single day and in big ways. Is that the average parent? No, probably not. Is it a big enough problem to be having this discussion and to effect our society in negative ways in years to come? I don’t know. Maybe?

We don’t yet know how the current generation will turn out so let’s not rush to congratulate ourselves on something we have not yet achieved. All we can do is evaluate, look for ways to improve, implement and carry on. I think the article provides some things to seriously consider.

I was fortunate enough to live in France (as a student and then a teacher) for a couple of years. French children aren’t a whole lot different than ours, and they certainly aren’t universally obedient or well-mannered. I just took my family back to France for a wedding, including my two children. We stayed with a French family who described the terrible winter they had had with their three-year-old son who “threw a tantrum every single day without relief.”

I think there is a lot of generalization and stereotyping that happens with broad statements like “selfish American children” or “well-behaved French children.” It’s mostly bunk in the 1st world, I think. I recently visited an AVID class at a local middle school and some of the kids there are essentially raising their siblings (including cleaning, bathing, cooking, etc) while their parents work two and three jobs. Some American children can sit quietly through a whole meal in a restaurant. Some French children throw screaming fits and potty train late.
Bottom line? Those of us who are trying hard to be good parents are reading and soaking up the “wisdom” of people who think we should be more like others who “have it figured out,” while parents who probably aren’t doing a very good job raising kids aren’t reading these books at all. My goal as a parent is to raise a productive member of society who has confidence in himself and can find a place in life to make him happy. Do my boys get to eat a lot of cake and play with many toys at the same time as having what I consider age-appropriate responsibilites? You betcha.

I think the main point of the article you quote is that parenting is very culture oriented, which has me going “Duh!”. We’ve known that for a while.

So essentially, the thought is that we as a culture tend to emphasize the wrong things to our children: that they are not capable of independence, that they can’t do anything well on their own, and that we’ll just grow frustrated with their pleas for junk and give in to them. This is a real concern, because if nothing else our society is geared towards keeping both parents and children so busy that we are forgetting the finer points of negotiations with one another, not in every parenting instance, but sui generis.

I was also raised in Western culture, but I remember specifically that not only would I do chores growing up, but my mom would let me do them, and then if they were done incorrectly, she would point that out, as well as demonstrate how to do it faster and easier. The problem with a parent getting exasperated and doing things for kids to save time is that you short circuit that whole learning process, which is not necessarily good long term.

Is this a real problem? Obviously not for every parent. If you’re giving your child some level of autonomy, age appropriate explanations for why s/he can’t have everything s/he wants, and teaching them to be considerate of others whether they understand why or not (as I explained above, empathy and theory of mind are different things, and you need not have both or either to be able to be civil to other people, but it helps), then you’re way ahead.

That said, when I taught elementary the past few years, I ran into kids who were 8, 9 0r 10 who couln’t/wouldn’t tie their shoe laces or do basic things like cut out paper for a collage. When I would press them to do so, they’d confess that they didn’t know how because they were never allowed to do those things on their own. This meant that I had to show them how to do it, and moreover, talk them through the frustration of it being a slow process.

I remember one nine year old finally learned to tie his shoes, and thanked me for it. “I never had anyone tell me how to do it, or give me time to practice before”. I think that statement is worrisome to most people, even if you yourself try to be a parent who does better by their child.

Kate says:

While I’m not a parent, yet, I agree with most of the posters here in that I do think there is an entitlement issue in today’s culture, and I do think it’s growing. I’m not sure how to stop it, or what the answer is, but it definitely exists. And it makes me worry, because I see so many people who are only five or so years younger than me acting like tantrumy three-year-olds when they don’t get their way, and all I can think is, “These people may be my bosses, someday.”

I was listening to 3 people talk about how parents let their kids get away with everything. None of them were actively parenting (2 of them have grown children). I think it’s very easy for others to judge when they’re not in it. I love what you said about not being the perfect parent, but being the perfect parent for your kids. That’s how I feel, too.

Joan says:

I agree that there is an increased problem with entitlement and a lack of respect for authority in this country which I’ve noticed more and more in the last few years through teaching graduate students. I do attribute a lot of this to parents teaching their kids to feel they are entitled to that “A” simply because they “worked hard.” I had one student recently tell me that her view is that she starts in class with an “A” and “can only work her way down from there.” Since when do you begin a class with an “A” grade!