Self-Improvement and You: A Guide to Being HappyMature

A short satire/humour piece I wrote for one of my writing classes. Essentially it was a rant about how much I hate myself and an explaination of what I and many others do when they're depressed, except made funny and satires these actions.

Self-Improvement and You

You’re an awful piece of shit with no ambition and an ice cream stain on your last clean tee shirt. You have a note written in your phone to remind you that you’re a waste of time and space. If this sounds familiar, congratulations! You’re depressed. As one familiar with the ways of the angsty teenager and with no experience in the adult world at all, I can be certain the following guide is exactly what you need in order to be the best you that you can be.

First, tell nobody. Being upset is your business, don’t let others butt in with their two cents! You have this guide, after all, which is a nine ninety nine. Thats nine dollars and ninety seven cents more than they have! Who do you trust? Mr. Two Pennies or Alexander Hamilton over here?

Once you’ve held in all your emotions and secluded any information from your friends

and family, keep it that way. Don’t let them get on your ass about it. You’re a healthy individual of society and you have the right to be sad and hide it. If they pester you about it, shut them out of your life for good. They should respect you enough to not ask about your mental well-being. Your mind is your own metaphorical domacile. Don’t be harrassed, bitch!

Next, you’ll probably feel a little sad, and that’s completely normal, but don’t cry about it. You’re on the road to happiness. We don’t want that road to get all soggy with tears and boogers. Instead, find a completely safe and unnoticable way to control your negative feelings like locking yourself in your room blasting My Chemical Romance all day, or try hurting yourself. Get creative, the possibilities are as endless as your hatred for color. As long as nobody notices you’re upset, you won’t ruin your road.

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