I'm very sad. I have been for years. I don't know what to do. I cry at random. I'm very shy and have no social life. I have one friend- a very good friend- but she's way Christian and I don't feel I can tell her everything.

Maybe I should start at the top. I'm a college student(22) and I live at home. A year till I graduate, and then I will be more lost than I am now. I feel like I have no knowledge, no skills, and am capable of nothing. I am useless. I wonder why I didn't kill myself long ago. I guess I'm still here because it might get better.

I can put on a good face when I want to. Most of the time I walk around with a marooned look and hope no one will notice me.

I really miss my ex fiance. We broke up about a year ago. It was very painful. He was the only love I'd ever had and he meant the world to me. It's been a year and I wish I could get over him. I always wonder what he's doing and if he misses me or even thinks about me.

I can't sleep. My mind won't turn off. I can't concentrate on my studies. I spend entire days in my room staring at my books, but get nothing done.

Sometimes I feel very optimistic and motivated, like I can do anything. But most of the time, I just want to sleep.

I haven't taken any meds for this. I tend to think meds are unnatural, and that it's just situational, and I could change it if I wanted to. I'm so cynical. I think it's just in my personality to be sad.

My mind is always riddled with worry. I don't manage my time for school and I create so much unneccesary stress.

I have a tendency to not smile. I walk with my head down and avoid eye contact. I've got a serious lack of confidence. I guess I'm okay looking. But I have mild acne (still) and I inherited a weird dental disorder from my dad that's causing tooth decay. That may be fixed if we can come across $30,000.

I just want to graduate and then go away, far away from here and walk into a new shiny life. But I'm pretty sure that won't happen. I'm not sure what I wished to accomplish by posting here, but thanks for reading.

Hello Rambling Sad Girl
I am gald you chose this place to ramble. I like you, and I can relate to a lot of things. I am very happy you are still here and didn't kill yourself! Do you still feel suicidal sometimes? If you do, please please call a suicide prevention line or emergency. There is always hope, but depression can really distort your thinking, and I want you to be safe from that, and not make it hurt yourself, ok?
I went through a quite long phase of depression at age about 18 to 20, I felt very empty and numb and wondered if I would ever be happy again and ever feel free again. I have had anxietey problems too, off and on, and very severe during that time.
I was born in Switzerland and before I became anorexic and later depressed, I had had a lot of dreams about changing the world, becoming a musician, i wrote lots and lots of songs, poetry... was very intense... and then the eating disorder came along and made me obsessed with it, and then depression came along and made me numb and made me not-care about all those dreams... and whenever I thought about what it had been like, in contrast to what things were like now, I got very very sad.
BUT.
Early in 95 I did have a new dream. I think i just needed something new to hold on to. I wanted to go some place else (hey reminds me of what YOU are saying). i wanted to go to the US... finally, after a long struggle to find something and talk with my parents about finacning, i spent 3 months in San Francisco in the summer. Those were some of the best months of my life so far! I THREW myself into it. I SO MUCH needed a change. A new... dream to hold on to... I fell in love with San Francisco and wanted to continue my studies there, only it was financially impossible.
And now?
I am here! I got a scholarship in 98, it was a miracle, a real one.. it is a private thing and they like the things I am doing. I am studying psychology at San francisco State University, help the homeless, make music, try to encourage friends who feel down and share my experiences on the internet.. it all did have a purpose it seems, everything that happened...
What i want to say is:
Do not give up hope. Don't tell yourself "It won't happen." Dreams can come true!
Kathrin

hi. as for acne ithought some soaps have additives and clog pores so i thought ivory soapwas maybbe one of the best for stopping acne , water too hot may cause acne. see aspergers.com which is a form of autism . they dont like to make eye contact, take care

As Rick pointed out, even though you may be against meds, you have to accept that you're condition may be vastly imptoved if you give them a shot. Depression is not situational, in fact the problems in your life may be caused in part by the depression and not the other way around. I have only very recently accepted that myself and am looking forward to finding a solution that will work for me. After talking about this with numerous people, I have discovered that we do not HAVE to live this way, just open yourself up to the possibilities--have an open mind and find something that works for you!

Princess-
You are wrong, depression can be situational. Ex: someone you love dies, you lose your job, etc and you become depressed. Or Everything in life is great but you feel like dying...chemical. Or you can be lucky enough to have both like me. In which case meds could help to get you to fix some of your situations which in turn helps your chemical depression. The brain is a VERY complex thing.

Saramonster-
I am sorry for what you're going through, not it makes a any diff.But"to know that I am not alone with these dragons,makes them not so fearsome in the habuation of my mind." and you are not alone in your type of suffering.I understand very much.I know one thing, theres no easy way out.But it helps to fight when you know the battle better, so i urge you to learn more why you feel the way you do. Depression is in many ways a disease of the emotions( not always to be trusted)and getting emoitons back on trim should be a prime target for any depressed person. Our minds sometimes trys to avoid dealing with something we find intolerably sad, it protects you from feeling unbearably despondent.Most people when faced with a depressed person try to make them feel happier.(nothing bad about that) Perhaps we're going about it the wrong way-maybe what we ought to do is to enable and encourage them to feel sad,yet supported enough so that their sadness does not destroy them.Once they have experienced the depths of that sadness that will no longer fear it,and their minds will no longer try to shut their emotions down. them you can feel all emotions good and bad. I say feed them my dear and listen to them.We need to respond to how we feel,not in terms of memories gone on in the past,but from the emotions that we feel as a reult of whats happening now. Just don't feed your emotions from yesterday.sadness can be enriching. Remember it will get better in time, I feel alot of your pain is because of you ex. This "move on" thing or "let go" thing is just not possable with everyone.We will in are own time,but must deal with what we are feeling. Meds may help you to funtion better, even though as you say they are unatural.We are talking about brain chem here, so yes these meds are playing with that.But they can help in some cases.It all comes down to hope I feel, just don't lose hope that it will be ok for one day.That you will smile one day inside and out.