My builder is driving me crazy

Comedian and TV presenter Graham Norton advises readers on what to do
about a lazy builder

Graham Norton advises on what to do if you can't stand your builderPhoto: NED JOLLIFFE / MISTERNED.COM

By Graham Norton

11:00AM BST 16 Jun 2011

Dear Graham

My husband has employed a Polish builder who is slowly driving me crazy. This man’s work is meticulous, he is always on time, and he keeps his tools tidy. But he’s a talker and I’m fed up with listening to his endless pearls of wisdom.

My husband, on the other hand, takes on board everything he says. We are now in possession of the retro sofas he suggested we buy; we are fitting a breakfast bar into our kitchen (even though we both used to think they were naff) and we’ve been to several dubious restaurants on his recommendation.

He’s even managing to convince my husband that we should move to his part of town – he says it offers the best “investment potential” – but given we’re in the throes of an expensive building project, this is the last thing I want to be thinking about.

When I suggest to my husband that the Pole is full of hot air, he shakes his head in disbelief and tells me I’m being snotty. How can I make him see sense? Barbara G, London

It’s a boy thing. Your husband with his soft white hands and scent of cologne and dry cleaning meets this burly builder who can do things with wires or put match sticks between wall tiles and suddenly it is school all over again.

If the Pole accepts him, then your spouse is somehow more of a man. I know this makes no sense, but even I find myself doing it. It’s a sort of man crush with tools and plaster dust.

All I suggest is to be patient. Once the job is over, your husband’s new pal will take his tidy tool box somewhere else because the builder doesn’t really want new friends, just more work.

I don’t want to read too much into this situation, but is your partner starved of male companionship? It might explain why he has latched on so tightly to your eastern European friend, because while you seem to blame Mr Poland for the current situation, it is all down to your husband’s infatuation.

Just count yourself lucky that you have found a builder who shows up. By the way, breakfast bars are perfectly acceptable.

Dear Graham

I met my husband while I was living in Oxford in the late Seventies; he was an undergraduate at the university and I was working in a café.

We moved to Edinburgh after he graduated, married and subsequently had two children. I don’t know how or why this happened, but for some reason or other we have led our Scottish friends and our children to believe that we were both at Oxford.

Now my son is about to enter the sixth form and is determined to go to Oxford. He keeps asking me questions about it; and I feel so awful lying about dons I didn’t have and digs in a college I’ve never set foot in.

Is it too late to come clean? It’s going to make my husband and me seem so weird to our children and to our friends.

Deryl B, Edinburgh

Dear Deryl

You use the phrase “seem so weird” as if people would be getting the wrong impression of what you and your husband have done. For me the word “weird” doesn’t quite encapsulate the enormous stupidity of your behaviour.

We have all indulged in the odd bit of lying – “Yes, I saw that film”, “I know who you mean”, “Great book!”, but you have invented a whole period of your life that for most people is hugely important.

You have lived this lie for so long it is tempting to tell you to continue doing so, but, genius that you are, you’ve allowed your son to apply to the same university you claim to have attended. Your deception is going to be revealed, it’s just a case of when.

Personally, I feel that no matter how bonkers you look, it is better for you to come clean. Next time your child asks a question about Oxford, just blurt out the truth.

Tell him things have gone on long enough – you’ve no idea why, but you told an idiotic lie once many years ago and you’ve allowed it to get completely out of control. Don’t be overly apologetic or dramatic in your explanation and this boy may not be alerted to what a giant loon he has for a mother.

Here’s a tutorial from the University of Life – lies will always come back to bite you in the ass. Ouch.

Dear Graham

Six years ago my sister was widowed after almost 25 years of a very happy marriage. She had no children.

I accept that it takes time to grieve; a period of, say, two to three years is generally considered to be usual for this.

What concerns me is that after all this time she is still unable to move on. She’s attractive, well-educated, comfortably off, has no “baggage” and would be a fantastic catch for someone. Even someone from the Telegraph’s “Kindred Spirits” column – I should know, as I met my partner through it.

I have, with my partner, politely suggested she should move on and I think she is trying to do so, e.g. making single trips to the local theatre, but she needs someone to go with regularly – even female friends. Is there anything we can do to help her?

Anon

Dear Anon

A woman has lost her husband and is figuring out a way to grieve and a way to live. That woman is not you.

While I understand your motives, I’m afraid you must allow your sister to live her life in her own way. By all means, let her know what you think and perhaps volunteer to be the female friend who accompanies her on trips, but don’t put pressure on her to do things she just isn’t ready for.

She was with her husband for a quarter of a century and has been alone for just six. People deal with loss in different ways and with wildly different time frames. So long as it is what they want, who are we to judge?

I’m glad you have found love, and sorry your sister has lost hers. For now, that is all there is to the situation. I truly hope your sister finds a new way of being happy, but be prepared for it not being your way.

Dear Graham

In the past four years I have spent some time in hospital, with the result that my sleeping patterns have been totally wrecked. Hospitals at night can be extremely noisy places, and I am now a full-blown insomniac.

When I was in employment (I am 76 years of age) I did shift work and had the habit of having a nod in the afternoons when on the early shift. Now, I fall asleep during the day: when I am eating, reading the newspaper and sometimes even when walking.

I go to bed at 10pm, fall asleep quite quickly, and then round about midnight I am awake, and that is it. I go on the internet, read, go back to bed and try to fall asleep, but only catnap until dawn. My doctor has prescribed sleeping pills, but they do nothing for me, and I am worried they could become addictive. I would value your opinion.

Mick C, Kent

Dear Mick

Obviously I’m thrilled that you’ve taken some of your waking moments to write to me, but I’m a little uncertain as to why you think I would know anything about this.

I think what is most unpleasant for you is falling asleep during the day when you don’t want to, but since it is happening anyway, why not factor it in? Perhaps grab a couple of hours after lunch. One of the perks of being retired is you can please yourself.

But to get a full night’s sleep, you need to force yourself not to nod off, and when you wake in the night, fight the temptation to read or go online as it stimulates the brain.

Try setting your alarm for 15 minutes before you normally wake in the night. You’ll still feel tired, and may just drop off again.

If all else fails, remember that these columns have been collected into a book. Sweet dreams.

Weekend’s agony aunt column features Graham Norton on alternate weeks. Email your problems to graham@telegraph.co.uk. The best email will win a bottle of champagne