Nurture relationships through better listening

Mary Gosche, Human Development Specialist, University
of Missouri Extension

Effective communication is key in a successful relationship. In
order to communicate better, it is necessary to listen and truly
hear what one another is expressing. Here are some rules to ensure
that you listen to your partner.

Let your partner know that you are listening. This does not mean
you agree with him or her. It means giving eye contact and doing
nothing else while he or she is talking.

Repeat back what your partner is saying as accurately as you
can. If he or she is really angry, repeat it word for word. Otherwise
repeat back the central feelings. You will discover whether you actually
heard what was said.

Sympathize, reflecting the feeling as accurately as you can.
This does not mean that you agree with what was said. A comment like,
“Oh, you sound like you’ve had a really long day and you need a break,”
helps the other person know you care that he or she feels bad.

Ask, “Is there anything more you want to tell me about this?”
Your sensitive question gives your partner a second and third chance
to calm his or her feelings.

In his book, Fighting for Your Marriage, Howard Markman
suggests the couple use an object for one person to hold while he or
she “has the floor.” The person holding the object talks and shares
while the other person listens and follows the four rules listed above.

Do not fall into the trap of thinking of what you want to say while
the other person is talking. Also avoid disagreeing, changing the subject
or injecting your opinion while your partner is talking as this will
simply cause your partner to start repeating his or her point.

Notice when you and your partner communicate best and try to arrange
those times together on a regular basis. “Healing” listening, as described
here, isn’t always required. Don’t try to make every interaction an
opportunity for an in-depth discussion.