How To Paint A Pumpkin On Your Baby's Butt, Because 'Tis The Season

If you've ever thought to yourself, "My baby's bum could use some decoration, but what exactly should I use as an accessory? Dimple bling? Glitter? Perhaps I could try out tastefully arranged political stickers and then post the pictures on Instagram?" you're not alone. But it's October. October should be celebrated as the gift that it is. The only reasonable solution is to turn your baby's tooshie into a pumpkin butt. But because there's no way they could smear their own buttocks with autumnal colors, you need to know how to paint a pumpkin on your baby's butt. This isn't exactly something they teach you in the hospital.

In the interest of science, I scoured Pinterest and Instagram for at least an hour (and definitely did not get distracted by recipes for pumpkin bread), in search of the best methods for turning your infant's bottom into a gorgeous gourd. Surprisingly, there isn't a lot of information out there on the how of it, beyond using non-toxic tempera paints that dry quickly and won't hurt your baby's delicate tush. You could use a foam brush or traditional synthetic bristles, but you could also use a plain old makeup sponge to stipple your baby's butt dimples orange. Just don't forget the stem, which should reside at the top of your child's split, between cheeks A and B.

I cannot stress the need for non-toxic paint hard enough. If you're decorating your baby's bare derriere, you must take every reasonable precaution to ensure that no harm will come to one of your baby's most delicate areas. Face paint and Halloween makeup are not regulated by the Food and Drug Administration, and therefore not required to undergo the rigorous screening practices that other products like lotions and shampoos must go through to be sold on the market. The last thing you want when you're just looking for a cute picture for that scrapbook that you swear you'll get to just as soon as you can (I'm projecting) is to inadvertently harm your child.

There are a few ways to go at this if you're so inclined to do so: the first is what I like to refer to as the "dip and dab" method. Get a paper plate, and paint a thick layer of paint in a vague approximation of a pumpkin. Hold your baby as you would if you were also skilled at elimination communication (or you've just watched the videos in morbid fascination), with their knees and legs up and away from their body, so the only thing hitting the paint is their booty. Then, just paint on the stem in green, and your baby's rump is a perfect pumpkin.

If your baby is less squiggly and more willing to let you artfully experiment with their bum a full 18 years before they start painting it for college mooning opportunities, you're in luck. For these babies, you can use either a soft bristle brush or disposable foam brush to Picasso a pumpkin on your little dumpling. If you're feeling super artsy, might I suggest a Van Gogh style bum pumpkin? Lots of little strokes of different colors of oranges. Because hey, if it makes your little one laugh, you might as well go bananas with it, right?

Also, missed opportunity. Why haven't I seen any family holiday Halloween photos where everyone's butt is a pumpkin? I mean, my dimply behind might lend itself to a more heirloom style of pumpkin, but it's doable. OK, maybe not mine, but I honestly can't believe there isn't a goofy dad out there willing to do this with their child. Imagine the horror on your child's future face as you regale their friends with the story of how that one Halloween you painted their booty and made a print of it to hang in the house. It could be glorious.