Sunday 5 October, 2003

I woke up at some stage in the night disappointed that I am not moving back to Germany. I have a pain in my left leg which I noticed during yesterday’s walk. It feels bruised and tender, between the middle of the calf and the middle of the hamstring. Walking is awkward. My lower back is also sore. It also feels bruised.

Karaj, Simran, Michelle and I spent a couple of hours together. I talked with Karaj about exactly where I am and cleared up most of the thoughts which have come up recently. He told me that having gone through the Motivation, Awareness and Contract phases, I am now into Deconfusion i.e. my Child needs deconfusing, which makes sense because I certainly feel confused. Everything people say to me confuses me because I somehow know the opposite to be true, too. This, in turn, makes me angry because nothing makes sense anymore.

Karaj told me I will begin to hear a lot of negativity about me from those around me. Combined with my anger, this will make me want to leave. However, I have to stay and see it through because then I will be at peace regardless of what goes on around me. In order to get through this stage I have to be relaxed in the face of everything which comes my way. For Karaj, this period lasted ten years. He told me to remind myself that ‘if Karaj has not given me a signed document telling me he wants me to leave, then whatever I am facing is precisely what I came here to tackle.’

I asked most of the questions I had written down over the past few days, even the one which disturbed me about Karaj being heavily involved in my accidents. It is all about my script and and how I still have my father inside me; so accidents will happen and Karaj will be involved because he is playing the role of the father in order to provide me with the re-parenting I deserve. Some of the questions are paradoxes in which both opposites are true. (Karaj: ‘Everything is black and white, yet nothing is black and white; and every shade of grey is black and white.’)

Shona joined us after lunch and we talked further. At one point she gently turned to me and told me that the way I have been over the last few days has saddened and angered her because my negativity has overshadowed the many good times we have had. She said she was sad for me too. I thanked her for her words. They touched me because we have had good times, but I know they are still there. Karaj held up our exchange as an example of a mature challenge (from a woman) and a mature response.

In the last session of the day, it emerged that Michelle has created another emergency with the work for an audit on Tuesday, which she has known about for two months. It has been brought forward a week, a fact which Michelle deemed not relevant enough to tell Karaj. These are basic procedures which Michelle is not following. My back and legs feel like I have been beaten up. Karaj: ‘Well, you have been.’

Summary: A thorough conversation with Karaj has lifted much of the heaviness from me. He often says he needs to spend time with me because I don’t get the attention I need these days. Now I see what he means. Or rather, I see what I need. Through neglect, my tantrum gradually builds up and explodes. So, just as Karaj releases his emotions steadily and immediately with his wife (and others), I need to make sure I am not neglected. That means I need to look after myself and demand or grab Karaj’s attention by talking all the time. Does any of this make sense? The day was a good one and I enjoyed my positive attitude towards Simran. It was a relief to see me being friendly rather than acting like a spoilt child.