Spartacus: Blood & Sand – 1.09 – Whore

PREVIOUSLY ON SPARTACUS: BLOOD & SAND! Crixus receives the bitch slap of all bitch slaps! Ilithyia has an unprecedented hissy fit! An attempt is made on Sparty’s life! And Lucretia makes a new and terrifying friend.

It’s another lovely Capuan morning, and the gladiators are training sweatily out in the hot sun. German brothers Duro and Agron are paired together as usual, and Duro’s ass is handed to him repeatedly. Nearby, Spartacus is training with Varro, also as usual, and their fight is far more well-matched. Sparty is still very obviously top dog, though, but Varro’s got an excuse today: he’s all distracted because Ashur passed his wife Aurelia a note a whole week ago and she still hasn’t responded! And he was all contrite and everything! Spartacus’ reaction? LOL. He is pitying fools left and right. As are we all.

Spartacus breaks it down for his beffie – when you call your wife a whore after she comes sobbing to you with news of her rape, don’t be surprised when she doesn’t come running back the second you call, fool. This is your punishment, Varro. Take it like a man!

*****

Lucretia has a visitor up in the villa – it’s her new and scary friend Licinia! HAY GURL HAAAAY. Licinia is examining a series of gorgeous plaster full-face masks modeled by a line of nude female slaves; Lucretia notes that they’ve been in the family for generations. Licinia then wonders if requests like hers happen often – apparently they don’t, but the House of Batiatus adheres to the Girl Scout credo and is always prepared. Licinia eventually chooses a mask of Diana, Goddess of the Hunt, which is worn by an unfamiliar dark-haired and freckle-cheeked slave.

Who else is wondering what on earth Licinia needs a mask for? OH SNAP. She needs it for a sexy sex assignation with a hotass gladiator. When Lucretia asks if she’s chosen her man meat for the evening, Licinia is adamant that only the very best will do – SPARTACUS.

Well. I don’t know what name Lucretia was expecting to hear, but judging by the slightly derpy expression on her face, it certainly wasn’t Sparty’s. She immediately covers her surprise, but Licinia isn’t fooled, and asks if there’s a problem – perhaps more money will be required? Lucretia certainly isn’t going to admit her loathing for Spartacus out loud to a customer, especially one as wealthy and well-connected and gossipy as Licinia, though, so her lips stay zipped. Licinia has concerns of her own, anyway. She doesn’t care about the cost hardly at all, it’s the thought of her husband finding out that scares her the most.

Lucretia’s got her end of the deal covered, naturally, as it would be bad for business as well as for their social standing if they crossed the cousin of Marcus Crassus or any other customer, for that matter. Luce promises that no one will hear the story from her or any member of the household. She then cautions Licinia to be extremely careful for her own part: tell no one, come on time, and come alone.

Ironically, in the middle of Lucretia’s advice to avoid complications, the Republic’s greatest complication swans happily through the villa’s door with her train of attendants, guards, and slaves – Ilithyia has excellent timing, doesn’t she? Licinia dissembles like a pro, but Ilithyia steamrolls over all attempts at casual conversation, nosily inquiring if she’s interrupting anything. It seems she’s been invited to lunch by Lucretia, which earns them both an icy glare from Licinia, who clearly feels set up and suspicious. Lucretia looks embarrassed and tells Ilithyia that the invitation was actually for the following day, but it’s going to take more than that to get rid of my forever girl.

Within moments, Ilithyia and Licinia are sweetly sniping at each other while Lucretia struggles to keep things civil. Licinia scores an excellent jab when she brings up Segovax’s failure to be an awesome gladiator, and Ilithyia looks like she’s been slapped. She seethes with silent jealousy as Lucretia and Licinia say their goodbyes and make plans for their next visit. Once Licinia has left, Ilithyia smiles her brave little toaster smile and tells Lucretia that Licinia obviously likes her very much, and that she’s glad she was able to make the introduction. AWWW.

Lucretia’s a smart girl, and, knowing that Ilithyia is feeling neglected and cast aside, makes BFF amends with a few more-than-just-friendly kisses, and everything seems like hugs and puppies once again. UNTIL. Oh dear, Ilithyia saw Licinia leave with the Diana mask, and assumes it’s for a masquerade ball at the villa to which she herself has yet to be invited. Lucretia insists quite convincingly that there’s no party in the first place, which is the absolute truth, but unfortunately Ilithyia’s hearing is a little too good for comfort. She’s overheard the advice to “avoid complications” and drawn her own, frighteningly correct, conclusions, namely that Licinia intends to LUSTILY FUCK A GLADIATOR.

All it takes to confirm Ilithyia’s suspicions is the shocked tone that Lucretia uses to say her voice, and Ilithyia legit SQUEALS with delight, totally unable to conceal her prancing glee. Lucretia, stupid Lucretia, abjectly fails to coolly deny everything with a haughty glare and instead panics and swears Ilithyia to secrecy. OH YES I AM SURE THIS WILL TURN OUT WELL. Ilithyia promises, all wide-eyed and serious, but Lucretia and I and all other sentient humans in the history of existence are really not convinced. Ruh roh.

*****

Later on that afternoon, Lucretia and Batiatus are arguing over Ilithyia yet again. Lucretia is sure she can control her and her schemey, gossipy ways, which Batty and I both find hilariously mockable. Lucretia’s isn’t counting on Ilithyia’s better nature to take control, though – she’s counting on Ilithyia’s fear of social reprisal from the wealthy and powerful Licinia, cousin to the even more wealthy and powerful Crassus, to keep her mouth shut.

Batiatus is well and truly distracted by the mention of Crassus and immediately develops a goldboner, sighing dreamily about how awesome it would be to be beffies with a man like Crassus. Lucretia cuts off his mancrush musings to warn that Licinia’s choice of fuckbuddy is unfortunately Spartacus, but Batty isn’t concerned. He’s sure that the new and improved Spartacus will be obedient. Mkay.

*****

Spartacus is brought up to the tablinum for a chat in the bust-n-cock statue room. Batiatus is full of compliments and good cheer and wine, which makes Spartacus a bit wary and amused. When Spartacus hears that Licinia has requested him, he assumes it’s for a fight, and inquires about his opponent. LOL NO SPARTY. Batiatus is all smarm and chuckles when he reveals the sexytimes nature of her interest.

Spartacus is very quiet and thoughtful at this news, and Batiatus looks prepared for a long and drawn-out argument. But in the end, Spartacus agrees without complaint that he is, in fact, the Champion of Capua, and will therefore attend to such championly things as hot sexings with fabulously wealthy women. He is such a philanthropist, you guys.

*****

Downstairs in the ludus, the medicus is finally removing Crixus’ nasty stitches from his firm manbreasts. Once again, Crixus’ only concern is when the hell he can get back to his training already, and the medicus reluctantly gives him a week, maybe two. Crixus uses his powers of persuasion (namely his hugebig fucking biceps) to secure the medicus’ agreement that tomorrow would be just as good.

Ashur, eavesdropping as usual, pretends to be delighted by the news he’s overheard, and somehow expects Crixus to be pleased to hear of Ashur’s intent to return himself to gladiator training. Crixus finds this as amusing as I do. Come the fuck on, Ashur, it’s been like 5 years since you even held a sword. Stick to what you’re awesome at, dude – scheming like whoa. Nevertheless, the medicus sets to removing Ashur’s leg brace.

*****

Lucretia and Batiatus are lounging in bed, discussing the Spartacus Situation. Lucretia’s surprised that Spartacus agreed without comment to his hot date with Licinia. Batiatus is unable to present his usual level of convincing argument, owing to the naked slave girl who is riding him reverse cowgirl with a look of extreme ennui on her face. Batty busts his nut with a demented howl and sends the girl packing with a slap to her ass, reminding her to send in some wine. Roman marriage, lol.

Batty is just as breathless at the thought of potential business with Crassus via Licinia as he was to be humped, all giddy and flushed like a tentacle-probed schoolgirl. Lucretia’s calm reason prevails when she points out how long it’s been since Sparty got laid – what if he can’t perform? Or worse, what if he’s a minute man? Batty agrees that this would be most unfortunate indeed, and they decide that Spartacus should get in some practice boning before the big day. As they come to this clever decision, the same freckled slave girl from earlier arrives with their wine, and they both look at her very thoughtfully indeed.

*****

That evening, and hello, why is it always a full moon in Capua? The place must be fucking overrun with werewolves, good lord. AHEM.

That evening, Spartacus returns to his cell to find the slave girl naked and blushing on his bed. Unlike our old friend Gannicus, though, Sparty does not grin a boyish grin and leap thrustily into the fray. He tells the girl that she’s clearly taken a wrong turn back at Albequerque, but no, she’s been sent to give him some sweet lovin down by the fire. Come on, Sparty, live a little. Her name is Mira and she’s here to say that she wants to rock your body in a sexyass way! [beatbox interlude] But Sparty’s not feelin her rhymin and stealin and suggests she check herself before she wreck herself. Clearly the problem of sucka MCs has had a long and storied history.

Sparty won’t be drawn into whispering sweet nothings at her, and angrily demands to know what the shit is going on. So Mira, quite fed up with his crap, because after all she is a hot naked chick offering TOTALLY FREE HOT SEX FFS, tells him straight out that Lucretia thinks he won’t be any good in bed without practice. Spartacus, in a moment of total dickery, gets all pissy with Mira, as though the whole situation is HER fault and not LUCRETIA’S, and sends her packing.

*****

Mira heads back up to the villa with a blank look of confusion on her gorgeous face, and the accompanying guard locks the gate carefully behind them. BUT WHAT IS THIS. Naevia has been lurking in the shadows like a creeper! She leaps out of her hiding spot and runs to the gate, just as Crixus scampers over breathlessly. Oh my god y’all, these two are fucking adorable FOREVER. They kiss wildly through the bars of the gate complete with gasping and epic face-smooshing.

Seriously, their conversation is far too derpy to even recap, okay? They’re ridiculously in love, oh anguish oh despair that they cannot be together, but no! It must be fate! Crixus was not sold because they are totes meant to be, NEAR FAR WHEREVER THEY ARE WE KNOW THAT THEIR HEARTS WILL GO OOOOON, &c. Their gushing is interrupted at long last by the approaching footsteps of another guard, and Naevia flees to hide herself once more. Crixus watches her go and flutters his eyelashes dramatically. I am now in a diabetic coma from their preciousness.

*****

The next morning, the gladiators are getting down to the day’s business of sweaty training in tiny panties, and Crixus strolls out into the yard looking fine as hell. Random gladiators cheer his return as he struts out onto the sands to the strains of the SEXY ROCK GUITARS. Spartacus and Varro, loltastically, are pissing off the side of the cliff together, and watch his approach with a smirk or two.

Doctore greets Crixus with a heartfelt and welcoming smile, because he and Crixus are bros the same way he and Gannicus were, awww. Doctore announces to the men that a trufax champion has joined them again, but the men aren’t really impressed, having seen Crixus lose so badly to Spartacus not long ago. Up on the balcony, Lucretia is all panty-wetting delight at seeing Crixus back on form, and Batty agrees that it’ll be nice to have him making some money again.

Unfortunately, Doctore decides that Crixus should spar with Duro today, which, lol. Come the fuck on. Doctore doesn’t mean it as a snub, though – he thinks it will be a good training scenario for both of them. Before Crixus can flip out and protest most protestily, Ashur arrives, ready to spar. The assembled men can only laugh.

Without the support of his brace, Ashur’s limp is even more noticeable, although he tries to hide it. Doctore’s main reaction to the entire scenario is AW HELLS NO, but apparently Ashur has Batiatus’ permission to restart his training? Yeah, I’m not really buying that. And oopsy, I guess maybe Ashur didn’t notice Batty up on the balcony when he said that, because Batty calls him aside for A Word.

*****

Ashur desperately tries to convince Batty of his gladiatorial worthiness as they walk through the villa, but Batty has nothing but disappointment for him – all the victories Ashur is trying to use in his favor are old, minor victories in small fights that have long since been forgotten. Ashur begs and whines but it’s just not going to work; Batiatus knows that Ashur is far more valuable as a plotting and scheming crony than he ever could be as a gladiator, and tells him so with no minced words. Ashur goes all chin trembly and pouty but Batiatus has made his decision and that is that.

*****

Lucretia sits in her ridiculous milk-filled bath while Naevia sponges her gently. For the love of god, people, do you have any idea how vile milk smells when it dries? Take it from someone who has had unfortunate drunken whipped cream moments on the beach – I promise you, you do NOT want to be covered in dairy products. Ugh.

ANYWAY. Lucretia witters on about Crixus and how good he looked today, and asks Naevia to keep a close eye on him and watch for any signs that he might be overdoing his efforts in training. Lord knows she doesn’t want him to reinjure himself.

As the slave girls refill the milk bath, Lucretia notices Mira carrying out an empty amphora, and demands to know how her date with Spartacus went. Mira is forced to admit that Spartacus wasn’t interested in her, and Lucretia is fucking outraged that Mira waited so long to tell her. After a brief examination of Mira’s nakedness, Lucretia instructs her to fuck Spartacus that evening or die for disobedience. WHY IS EVERYONE BLAMING MIRA GODDAMMIT.

*****

Outside in the training yard, Duro is getting one hell of a smackdown from Crixus, who has barely even worked up a sweat. Duro flails helplessly, losing his sword completely, and is left huddling behind his wooden shield rather pathetically as Crixus attacks again and again. Duro pouts and throws his shield at Crixus for being such a mean bully, and then launches himself at Crixus, like this is somehow a fight he could ever win.

Crixus flings the kid down like a rag doll, and snarls at Doctore to give him a real gladiator to spar with, just as Agron comes up on him from behind to defend his derpy baby brother. Agron gets in a punch or two but is certainly no match for Crixus, even on his worst day, and soon joins his brother in a sad heap on the sand. Doctore steps in to break up the fight before the brothers can join forces to attack Crixus, even though by the looks of his eager crazyface grin, Crixus is seriously spoiling for just that very fight.

Spartacus and Varro watch the exchange from the water barrel, but Varro’s got other things on his mind besides snarking on Crixus’ skill at making friends. He’s mooning over the lack of response from Aurelia to his many messages, and now he has no more money to pay Ashur to send further ones, sobbity woes! Spartacus rolls his eyes at his fiscally irresponsible friend and promises to cover Ashur’s fee himself, so Varro scurries off to catch Ashur on his way out of the villa. Crixus steps up to Sparty for a little midmorning eyefuck and banter, but before things can descend into a sweaty brawl, Crixus is summoned away.

*****

It is fucking hilarious how Lucretia waits all of 30 seconds after her husband leaves the villa to call Crixus up for some sexytimes. What if Batty forgot his phone, or his car keys? ALL WOULD BE LOST. Lucretia doesn’t give a shit about that right now, though, because Crixus is pumping away atop her like some fine-tuned Gaulish engineering.

This time, however, Lucretia seems to want a bit of post-hump cuddling. Crixus looks lost and confused by the very thought, but gamely lies down next to her anyway. Lucretia’s feeling chatty today, and the thoughts on her mind are all about Crixus and his scars and his fight against Theokeles. When Crixus fell in the arena, his ghastly wounds spurting everywhere, his last conscious move was to look up at the pulvinus at his beloved Naevia – naturally Lucretia thinks he was looking at her own fine self. Crixus isn’t dumb enough to correct her, of course, and instead says that his last thoughts were to welcome death after having lived with the love of a goddess.

Lucretia is ridiculously flattered, and snuggles up to Crixus like a prom queen in the backseat of a Chevy, telling him that he’ll always belong to her and her alone. Man, is she in for some epic disappointment.

*****

Capua’s marketplace is loud and crowded, as always, which affords many places for people to lurk – people like Ashur, for example. If Ashur had business cards, they would probably say PROFESSIONAL LURKER AND NEFARIOUS DUDE. (Also, since this is the Roman Republic, there would be a random picture of an erect cock.) Today, he lurks to lie in wait for the unsuspecting Solonius, who is there to buy some grain. Ashur has a few things to discuss with Solonius, who is more than happy to accommodate his villainous ways. DUN DUN DUUUUUN.

So apparently all it took for Ashur to decide to betray Batiatus was Batty not allowing him to prance around in his gladiator panties with a sword? Hm. Ashur wants some more money this time, though, which Solonius scoffs at. Ashur sets him straight by revealing that Solonius’ life might depend on this information, and Solonius is suddenly far more receptive.

It seems that Solonius’ well-known weekly appointment with his favourite whore is that very evening, and treacherous plans are supposedly underway to intercept him and presumably hack him to bits. Solonius actually looks surprised that Batty would still be scheming against him, and Ashur runs off, warning given.

*****

Ilithyia has arrived at the villa and is full of backhanded compliments over the new furnishings and decorations that are evidence of the House of Batiatus’ increasing good fortune. Lucretia brushes off the display of wealth as hardly as valuable as Ilithyia’s friendship, but Ilithyia counters with some comments about Lucretia’s new friends – namely, Licinia. Oh sweetie. Get over it already. You are still the prettiest princess, okay? I promise.

Lucretia tries to distract Ilithyia with some wine, but Ilithyia will not be distracted, by the gods! No, she just can’t stop dwelling on the secrets revealed about Licinia’s assignation. Lucretia grabs ahold of her patience with both hands and very gently and quietly asks Ilithyia to consider minding her own bloody business, but she’s actually got the wrong end of the big thick throbbing stick for once. Ilithyia’s not obsessing over Licinia’s actions, she’s obsessing over the thought of doing the very same thing her own fine self. Yes, you heard it here first, folks – Ilithyia wants to take a large strapping gladiator for a long and sticky ride.

Ilithyia’s more embarrassed and confused than anything else, and begs Lucretia to forget the conversation ever happened. Lucretia, Capua’s own Dr. Ruth, insists that Ilithyia not be ashamed of her own desires, but feed them instead. Ilithyia remains terrified that the slightest hint of such events would not only ruin her husband’s military career but also taint her father’s power in the Senate.

Lucretia quite logically points out that many women over the years have KNOWN THE SAVAGE TOUCH OF A GLADIATOR’S THRUSTING LOINS (sry but i cannot help my capslock of glee), but has Ilithyia ever heard rumours of any such thing? Hell no she has not, because Lucretia fucking well knows how to keep a secret. This is enough to push Ilithyia over the edge and into the sexpit, and she agrees that Lucretia should make the necessary arrangements. The only thing left to do is decide upon the lucky, lucky man. Let’s see…. It should be someone really special….

*****

Later that evening, Lucretia is shrieking with utterly demented and terrifying rage, trashing the villa and having the most epic tantrum known to humankind. Oh Lucretia, whatever is the matter? Naevia runs in to see if she can help, but Lucretia dismisses her venomously. Batty returns home amidst the chaos, and storms in to see what the actual fuck is even going on in his house, and oh dear. It seems Ilithyia is once again the cause of strife. And why, exactly? Hm.

You guys. I can’t even. ILITHYIA CHOSE CRIXUS.

Batiatus quite rightly wants to know what exactly about Ilithyia’s choice is so vexing to Lucretia, eh? And it’s not like she can admit the truth – that she wants her name tattooed on Crixus’ cock for all eternity. Lucretia recollects herself immediately and tells Batty that it’s not the choice that angers her, it’s Ilithyia’s bitchy manner that’s really at fault. Yeah, I think Batty doesn’t buy one that any more than I do.

Batiatus tries to calm her down and reminds her that they still need Ilithyia for the status her friendship affords them. Lucretia is past caring, and rages that Licinia’s connections are far greater. But while Crassus may be the wealthiest man in the Republic, he’s still only a Senator – Ilithyia’s husband Glaber is a legatus, which outweighs a mere Senator. So despite her tantrum, Batiatus instructs her to allow Ilithyia to fuck Crixus, and Lucretia grits her teeth and fumes.

*****

Down in the baths, the gladiators are having a scrub-down, and Crixus is very carefully cleaning around his scars. Duro is sulking in the corner, still bitter about his asskicking earlier, and Agron tells him to quit his pouting, and that he’ll take care of it himself. Duro stomps off like a surly toddler in search of his missing binky.

Spartacus has overheard the entire conversation and warns Agron that by babying Duro all the time, he’s basically guaranteeing his bro’s death in the arena, which is totally true. Duro will be all alone in the arena with no big brother to look out for him, and his stupid baby ways will most fucking definitely get him killed immediately.

Their conversation is totally derailed by Varro’s sudden crazypants freakout on Ashur. Apparently Ashur went to deliver a message to Aurelia, but found no one at the house. Furthermore, the house was a mess and there were signs of a bloody struggle. Varro flips his shit and decides to beat the crap out of Ashur. I mean, I understand the sentiment but seriously, for once it is not his fault, dude. Get a grip.

Spartacus tries to break up the fight but Varro throws him off angrily. It’s not until Doctore and his sexwhip arrive that anything gets done about the brawl. A half-dozen guards come crashing in and everyone is hauled apart.

Varro ends up chained to the wall and left alone to stew in a bloodstained cell. Spartacus interrupts his hysterical tantrum, and manages to calm him down long enough to discuss where Aurelia would go if she had to flee unexpectedly. SPARTY TO THE RESCUE.

*****

Crixus is lingering by the gate to the villa, calling to Naevia in a tiny whisper, because apparently Naevia is part bat and will hear him all the way upstairs. Silly Crixus. Doctore appears from the shadows to send him off to bed, but Crixus can’t possibly sleep. He’s too stressed over not being Champion anymore, over not fighting anymore, over everything ever. Doctore doesn’t want to hear his self-defeating emo shit, and has a few choice words about Spartacus’ worthiness as Champion. He’s sure Crixus will regain his title soon enough.

*****

Alone in his cell, Spartacus is halfway to sleeping when a careful touch awakens him, ready to fight. It’s only Mira, though, come once again to try and get it on with him. Sparty’s still not into the idea of getting laid, and tries to send her on her way. Mira is miserable and furious and refuses to leave, and Spartacus’ explanation – that he doesn’t want to fuck a woman who’s been commanded to do so – isn’t particularly helpful, since if she fails at that command, she’ll be killed. Spartacus’ slightly better nature prevails, and he hands over his blanket and tells her to stay the night …. alone, on the floor. Ouch.

Mira shoots him an icy stinkeye but takes the blanket anyway, and sits huddled on the floor. Surely there’s something she can do for him? Actually, yes, there is one particular thing he wants.

Is it tacos? I bet it’s tacos.

Everyone loves tacos.

*****

The following morning, Spartacus spars with Rhaskos, as Varro is still chained up in the tantrum cell. Rhaskos is obviously an experienced gladiator with a few tricks up his manica, but he’s not going to defeat Our Hero any time soon. Crixus stands nearby, watching the fight thoughtfully.

Batiatus and Lucretia watch from the balcony and admire Sparty’s sassy fighting form, patting each other smugly on the back, sure that their prescription of sexytimes have had this much desired effect. Mira approaches to serve some fruit, and, when questioned, nervously explains that Spartacus had many demands for her the night before. Batty sends her off with a slap to the ass, and Lucretia decides to schedule Licinia’s date for that same evening. Lucretia’s also apparently already set up plans for Ilithyia’s night with Crixus. Huh.

Down on the sand, Crixus is sparring with Duro, and it’s basically like watching a wolf bat around a tiny kitten for the lulz. Duro manages a clever block at the last minute and Crixus just busts out laughing, reluctantly impressed. Agron is watching out of the corner of his eye, but he seems to be taking Spartacus’ advice to heart, and not interfering with his brother’s training.

In the middle of all this matey tomfoolery, two guards drag Varro, battered and grumpy, out into the yard. Sparty runs over to his beffie to give him some good news – he’s asked Mira to look around Capua for Aurelia! So no tacos, I guess. Varro almost does a little jig of glee, and vastly amused to hear the story of why Mira was involved in the first place. OH BOYS.

Meanwhile, Crixus is schooling Duro up and down the courtyard, but his good mood is badly interrupted when he sees Naevia off in the corner chatting up one of the guards. When Naevia reaches out to casually touch the guard, Crixus’s mind and heart immediately do the wacky, and he attacks Duro in earnest. The rest of the men fall back in silence, and Doctore quietly praises his return to fighting form.

Crixus goes off to spar with Hamilcar instead, and bitty baby Duro gives his brother a totally plaintive look of bitty baby woe. Sparty intercepts Agron with a tiny shake of his head, and Agron turns his back on his brother, returning to his own training. Duro wibbles a bit down in the sand. Aww.

*****

Batiatus meets up with Ashur and Aulus in the tablinum, excited to hear the news of the previous evening’s plotting. Ashur reports that a certain Solonius-favoured whore is dead, and that the head of the man she was boning at the time is in a sack on the desk. Alas, the unlucky man was not actually Solonius, but one of his men instead. Wait a fucking minute. Does this mean that Ashur really and truly betrayed Batiatus? Am I really even wondering this?

*****

Night falls, and preparations are being made for Licinia’s assignation. Sparty is brought up to the villa for sexytime preparations at the hands of the slave girls and under Lucretia’s directions. And man, is Lucretia full of directions. Sparty seems mostly amused by the entire situation.

*****

Naevia, sent off for more wine, is confronted by Crixus, who foolishly suspects her of having an affair with the guard, Hector, that she was speaking with earlier. Crixus, you are such a twit, oh my god. SHE LOVES YOU SO MUCH. Naevia tells Crixus that he’s being an idiot, but he’s too grumpy to listen to reason, as usual. After a few minutes of his raging and bitching, Naevia snaps and tells him that what he actually saw was her distracting Hector to steal his keys to the gate, so that she and Crixus can be together. Crixus is totally contrite and wibbly.

Instead of slapping him through the bars for his stupidity, Naevia opens the gate and the leap on each other for some quality face-smooshing and frantic groping. YAYS.

*****

The slave girls are carefully bathing Spartacus and covering him with some kind of gold-flecked lotion. Very nice indeed. A golden mask is stuck to his face, and it’s time for lovin.

Licinia lounges on a bed in the triclinium, wearing her Diana mask and a wisp of harem-girl silk, and holding a cup of wine. Slave girls open the curtains and AW YEAH we have some golden and full frontal Sparty.
Licinia slowly walks across the impluvium towards him and then it’s on like donkey kong, except with hot naked people and no monkeys.

Serious boning follows, and Sparty gives her an epic seeing-too in at least half a dozen positions. GO SPARTY GO. From Licinia’s thrashing and writhing and squealing, she seems to be enjoying herself rather a lot.

Just as Spartacus is taking her roughly from behind, Lucretia throws open the curtains with an expression of mock bestartlement on her face. Standing next to her is another half-naked blonde in a full mask, and oh my fucking god y’all.

Spartacus is not fucking Licinia. SPARTACUS IS FUCKING ILITHYIA.AND LICINIA HAS SEEN THE ENTIRE THING.

Sparty and Ilithyia yank off each other’s masks with identical expressions of completely horrified betrayal. Sparty is actually so fucking shocked that he goes directly for Ilithyia’s throat. Lucretia shouts for the guards and they yank Spartacus off of Ilithyia, and drag him away.

The real drama, of course, is when Licinia takes off her mask to stare directly at Ilithyia and snark about what a deliciously juicy piece of gossip this will be – the wife of Legatus Glaber, fucking Spartacus, the man that almost destroyed his career! Lucretia smiles at Licinia and agrees that it certainly is most scandalous, because AHAHA she was in on it the entire time. Oh Lucretia I will never doubt you again, you glorious monster.

Licinia cannot stop fucking laughing, harder and harder and harder, as Ilithyia weeps helplessly. Ilithyia looks back and forth between Lucretia and Licinia, becoming more and more hysterical and angry, until…

OH SHIT. Ilithyia springs onto Licinia like a tiger, grabs her by the throat, and SMASHES HER FACE INTO THE FLOOR AGAIN AND AGAIN. Blood and teeth and bone shards are flying everywhere, and Licinia could not possibly be more dead. Lucretia runs to stop it but is way too fucking late, and Licinia lies in a widening pool of blood, her skull smashed open and her eyes falling from their shattered sockets. HOLY FUCK GIRL YOU CRAZY.

*****

Batiatus and Lucretia are having a wild whispery brawl off in their cubiculum – Batty cannot fucking believe that Lucretia let everything get so out of hand! Lucretia admits that she wanted to teach Ilithyia a lesson by tricking her into fucking Spartacus and loving every moment of it, which, let’s face it, is pretty awesome as far as revenge plots go.

Batiatus is not even remotely fucking moved by Lucretia’s need for revenge, though. All he cares about is the fact that the cousin of Marcus Crassus is DEAD IN A HEAP IN THEIR HOUSE. You can’t fault the dude’s priorities this time. He sinks into total despair, because surely they are now fucked beyond all reason.

BUT NO. Lucretia reminds him that Licinia came alone, without slaves or attendants, and that no one knows she was coming to their house in the first place. It is totally possible that no one will connect them with her disappearance. Batty is ready to cling to any straws at all, but is still worried about Ilithyia. Luckily Lucretia has plans for Ilithyia as well.

Ilithyia’s sitting like a lump in the bath, completely shellshocked and in a post-crazypants daze. Oh god, please don’t drown her or anything, Lucretia.

*****

Spartacus is also bathing, and Batiatus comes downstairs to apologize to him for Lucretia’s plot to pair him with Ilithyia. Batiatus promises that he’d had no knowledge of the plan, and Spartacus apologizes for trying to throttle Ilithyia – it’s all very calm and serious, and it’s definitely the first time they’ve spoken to each other almost as equals. Batty then tells Spartacus very sincerely that such loyalty honors the House of Batiatus, and leaves him to his bath. After Batty leaves, Sparty stands in the bath with a very thoughtful look on his face.

*****

Upstairs, Ilithyia is still a total mess, whimpering plaintively to Lucretia that she didn’t mean to do it. Lucretia clucks at her soothingly and pets her tangled hair. Ilithyia wants to know why Lucretia would betray her like this, and Lucretia tells her that she already knows the answer to that question. Instead of flipping out once again, Ilithyia just cuddles up into Lucretia’s arms submissively, and I become disturbingly turned on. WHAT OF IT.

Ilithyia’s sobbing helplessly, because there is no way that her husband isn’t going to kill her for this, but when she accuses Lucretia of being the death of her, Lucretia just smiles and says that this will bring them closer together. She promises to keep Ilithyia’s secret and to keep Ilithyia safe, swearing that Licinia’s body will never be found. When Ilithyia weeps that everyone will know anyway, because they’ll see it in her eyes, Lucretia moves in for the kill, and tells Ilithyia that she’ll just have to stay there in the villa until she can hide it better. Ilithyia looks like a kitten caught in a snare, but doesn’t struggle or complain when Lucretia kisses her very, very slowly.

Yep. Best freak out EVER!! and, hello, was she so awed by his cock that she totally missed the absence of the huge chest wound?!?

Thanks for the lols.

Liz

RIGHT? How is she so unobservant? Although now that I think about it, when has she seen Crixus since his injury. He hasn’t been training with the other men when she’s been around, I think?

I STILL VOTE FOR COCK HYPNOSIS.

Kate

Oh my goodness. This show is RIDICULOUS BEYOND BELIEF. And this episode is the most ridiculous of them all.

Liz

HAY GURL HAAAAAY.

dude, just you wait. the finale is legit an ORGY OF BLOOD.

Tommy

“Her name is Mira and she’s here to say that she wants to rock your body in a sexyass way! [beatbox interlude] But Sparty’s not feelin her rhymin and stealin and suggests she check herself before she wreck herself. Clearly the problem of sucka MCs has had a long and storied history.”

I just barely contained the workplace-inappropriate LAWL from that portion of the recap!

Liz

I am pretty sure I was drunky for almost every recap of this season, tbh. FUNTIMES.

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