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17 January 2012

Midwesternist War Criminal: Ice

Not the 'ice' I'm talking about, but also pretty terrible.

Ice can (literally) die in a fire. In any form. As I sit and listen to the weather reports that the entire Chicagoland area will be hit with freezing rain and icy roads tonight, I sit here and write my snide hatred from a dark room because that's what the angry do nowadays.

Goddammit all, do I hate icy roads. Even thinking about them as I type this from my warm, comfortable apartment where the only ice is in the freezer, I can feel the hatred boiling over within me. If only that hatred could melt all the ice in the world (and yes, I would sacrifice the polar ice caps to get rid of road ice), I could die happy. Alas, it's still out there...waiting. It's always waiting. If a genetically engineered, virus-carrying mutated baboon savagely murdered my family, I would hate it less than I hate icy roads. I would also be first in line to see that movie, but that's another post for another day.

Icicles also fall under the umbrella of "Things I Would Love To Curbstomp if They Were A Person". What's terrible about icicles is that they can strike at any time FROM OVER YOUR DEFENSELESS AND SOON TO BE BRAINDEAD SKULL. Sure, in Chicago there are cute little signs that say "WARNING: Icicles Above" on the sidewalks this time of year, but what does that do? Even if you were to walk around the streets constantly looking up, you still couldn't pick up on a falling icicle until it was halfway lodged into your eyeball, Die Hard 2 style.

"Ice to see you."

And even if you do walk around looking up instead of forward, congratulations! You've just walked into traffic! And the car that pulverizes your entire existence? It probably tried to stop, but hit a patch of ice, skidded and ended your haunted existence. Ice is a diabolical bastard that needs to die.

But to properly eliminate our enemy, we have to understand our enemy. Where did ice come from? How is it made? WHAT ARE ITS WEAKNESSES???

From the research I've done*, I can see that ice was invented by the dinosaurs as a way to keep cool during the Cretaceous period's hot summers. With the economy in the crapper due to new, cheap laborers (homo erectus) willing to undercut any prices, President Theodore Rex and Vice President Goldberg (below) ordered ice production to increase a hundredfold to bolster the economy.

This was a cave drawing found in Indonesia I'm told.

Seeing that dinosaurs have always been big on enthusiasm for their jobs but small on actual brains, ice production increased too much, and all the poor bastards were frozen alive and the planet was covered in terrible, horrible, no good, very bad ICE.

Chicago in 2011 or THE ICE AGE??

Eventually humans invented fire, and during the Great Bastard Ice War of 1642, successfully beat ice back into its natural habitats (Russia and Minnesota). However, by teaming up with Nazi scientists during WWII, ice was able to strike a deal where it could return to inflict pain, suffering and mild inconvenience on us all (specifically me) every winter.

Ice's main weaknesses are heat and salt, which is why you will never find it in such places as the South, in a fondue pot or anywhere in my vicinity when I watch COPS (I swamp ass profusely when I get really excited). So if you're ever cornered in a dark alley by ice, spit or urinate on it and throw as much salt in its direction as possible. This strategy also works just as well when trying to fend off Brewers fans and Gail the Snail.

No one likes 'salting the snail', but it has to be done.

Look, the point is...I have no point. This is just a spilling of rage and hatred against frozen water for all of you to see. Ice ran my car off the road on CHRISTMAS DAY in 1999. Ice massacred the dinosaurs. Ice may or may not be behind the Kennedy assassination. Ice is 50% of Natty Ice.

Ice has done enough to our poor country. It's time to take back what's ours. Yes we can.