I need a new pair of jeans for spring and I am just aghast at some of the options out there, like this pair from J Brand. As if the Steve Erkel under-the-boob waistline isn’t bad enough here, they’re retailing for $275! Now I know the price of a pair of jeans has been inching over $200 for a while now, and I’d maybe consider spending that much on a good pair of jeans that I know I can wear next week, next year, and even the year after, but please, these jeans will be out of style before I put my credit card back in my wallet.

And exactly where can I wear them? Maybe with platform heels for a night out? Yes, but only once, because they are not as multi-functional as a classic pair of well-tailored and flattering jeans. Can I wear them to work at my desk? No, the leg will keep getting caught in my chair. Can I wear them to run for the bus? The high belted waist might impair my lung function and the wind might lift my flapping legs off the ground. Can I wear them to … no.