Disclaimer: Okay, li'l keiki, you know the drill… Ranma ½
and its characters and settings belong to Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan,
Kitty, and Viz Video. Oh, My Goddess belongs to Fujishima Kousuke,
Kodansha, TBS and KSS films; AnimEigo, Studio Proteus, and Dark
Horse Comics. I'm just using them shamelessly. Other characters
and situations that may appear in the series are inspired or borrowed
from Jim Bader, Nicole Manders, DB Summers, or a number of others
that I haven't yet mentioned…

Certe, Toto, sentio nos in Kansas non iam adesse…

Chapter 3: The Big Date, or Kuno Gets Lucky?

Kuno was at his favorite French restaurant. This, in itself, was
hardly unusual. He had a female companion with him. This, also,
was not rare, for his sister often accompanied him to the place
on those occasions when peace broke out in the Kuno household. No,
what made this visit so remarkable was the fact that the
self-proclaimed Blue Thunder's company wasn't his dearly-loved-but-twisted
sister, but rather a woman of divine grace and incredible beauty.
In short, Kuno was on a date with Freya.

Now, one thing Tatewaki Kuno could never understand was his tremendous
difficulty in getting dates. Was he not, after all, tall, handsome
of feature and manly of bearing? Indeed, was he not every
fair maiden's dream? Why, then, had he been turned down so many
times? Akane Tendo… the Pigtailed Girl… Miss Hinako… Shun
Kisaragi from that Greenwood school… the list went on. It must
surely be a curse inflicted upon him by that vile sorcerer, Ranma
Saotome.

And wasn't it interesting, Kuno thought to himself as he watched
his date dig into her food with a surprising gusto, how they met.
There was a small park, a mere patch of green amidst the concrete
vastness of the city, which he passed regularly in his daily rounds,
thinking nothing of it. But this time, there was something different.
A young woman of regal bearing, evidently practicing with a sword.
Kuno, being quite interested in swords, paused to watch. His practiced
eye took in her form. The sword was certainly not Japanese; it was
straight, unlike his collection of katana, and short, being about
— as he measured it visually — some three feet in length.
It also seemed to have quite an amount of steel in it, but the woman
wielded it as if it were made of sea-foam. The weapon looked almost…
primitive, but its owner used it with a grace and skill he
had never seen before.

So it was quite natural that Kuno would challenge the sword-bearing
beauty. He had his bokken with him, of course; he never left home
without it. It was clear his chosen opponent was foreign, and he
had no idea if she could speak Japanese or not, so he attempted
to make his intentions clear by saluting her with his sword, then
pointing it at her and taking up a fighting posture. He breathed
a sigh of relief as she smiled, nodded, saluted and took up her
own guard stance.

Now, Kuno was indeed the rising star of the high school kendo circuit,
as he quite often pointed out, but just at the moment he was a little
unsure how to start this match. His opponent seemed able enough
in practice, but there was a vast difference between practice and
actual combat. He decided on an easy and cautious approach, so as
to not unduly startle and frighten the "sword-wielding beauty".

He needn't have bothered. Freya quite easily blocked and parried
each of Kuno's half-hearted attacks, and then, to indicate her impatience
with his "go easy on her, she is but a mere woman" style,
opened a flurry of aggressive attacks that took Kuno momentarily
by surprise and that he countered only with difficulty. The pair
broke apart briefly and Kuno re-thought his strategy.

Now he used all his expertise, delighting in an opponent both beautiful
and skilled. He generously granted that the woman before him might
indeed be almost as skilled as himself. A flurry of mutual
attacks, parries, and counterattacks followed, blades moving fast
as thought. Passersby who saw the pair in action could see nothing
but blurs where hands and weapons should have been†.

Another pause for breath, and Kuno issued his ultimate challenge.
"If you should win, I will allow you to date with me."
And much to the young man's unexpected astonishment, not only did
the beauty show that she understood the language of the gods (that's
Japanese to you), she replied in the same language, "All right…"

Kuno was, as I have related before, accustomed to being turned
down whenever he made this offer. He didn't understand it, certainly,
but it was a basic fact of his life. He was so surprised, therefore,
when this warrior maiden before him agreed to his magnanimous offer
that he stood rooted to the ground for the briefest of moments…
long enough for Freya to move inside his guard and bop him, quite
lightly, on the head with the hilt of her sword.

"I win!" she smirked. "And, as I am the victor…
it is you who may date me!"

Kuno wasn't used to having his offer of a date turned on its head.

And thus it was that the two of them, having agreed on a day…
and then on another day after that nasty Happosai business
put paid to the first day, were together in a top quality —
and expensive — French restaurant. Kuno had not minded when
Freya, as he had learned her name was, ordered the most pricey item
on the menu, but watching her dive into her food with a determined
single-mindedness, and hearing her ask about the chance of more,
made him feel some concern for the state of his wallet. No
matter. A true gentleman and samurai should not trouble himself
with such petty details as expense on such occasions. Still… it
was amazing how she was eating. Kuno never stooped
to watching anything so common as anime (but he did
have a sizable collection of kabuki and samurai drama videos), but
he had heard about the dining exploits of Lina Inverse from those
whose tastes were less refined, and he briefly wondered if his date
was somehow related to that sorceress.

What he didn't know, of course, is that being not just a warrior
maiden, but a Nordic goddess warrior maiden tends to give
one a tremendous appetite. Not to mention the fact that Freya had
demonstrated time and again that she could certainly keep up with
the boys in Valhalla.

Meanwhile, behind a dumpster across from the restaurant…

"Nabiki!" Kasumi scolded, "This isn't right!"
The elder Tendo daughter loved her sister dearly, of course, but
there were times that she came up with plots and schemes that were
decidedly improper. Like lurking behind a dumpster, camera in hand,
just waiting for something to happen, just as an example. It's
a good thing Akane isn't around to see this, Kasumi thought.

"C'mon, Kasumi! Like I told you before, this whole set-up
between sis, Ranma, Shampoo and Ukyo just rubs me the wrong way.
Used to be about the only thing Akane and our resident gender-bender
had in common was fighting with each other. Toss in Ukyo and Shampoo
and they'd all end up practically destroying whatever building they
happen to be in. It's worse than being on the set of Toho Studios!
And now they're a loving couple plus two? It just doesn't add up!
And somehow, I just know Freya's behind it!"

"But Nabiki, that's impossible! You know it was Ukyo's
unfortunate suicide attempt that brought them all together, and
that happened before Freya visited." Kasumi pointed out. "And
anyway, the four of them make a cute couple, don't you think? Besides,
Ranma and Akane still fight… especially when Sis tries to cook…"

"I know that Ukyo trying to fling herself off some
building, and Shampoo rescuing her and almost getting herself killed
made them decide on a group arrangement, but… Oh, I don't know,
Kasumi, I don't even know what I'm trying to say, it's just that
I feel there's something… not right about it all.
I don't want to break the thing up, really I don't… When do you
last remember seeing Akane so happy, after all? I don't want to
ruin that, I just want some explanations, that's all. Maybe I'm
just being paranoid, but—"

Kasumi interrupted her sister's rant with a question that had been
bothering her ever since they got into position. "Nabiki,
what's the camera for?"

"Weeeell…" Nabiki drawled, "…Maybe I can catch
Kuno and Freya in a compromising situation. A bit of kissy-face,
perhaps? The boys at school have been asking about that hot new
babe at Shampoo's, after all. I just might be able to make a bit
of money, and then a bit more when Freya tries to buy the photos
back. Girl's gotta look after her profit margin, after all."

There were times when even Kasumi had to draw in a breath.

Back in the restaurant, Kuno was busy having his curiosity satisfied.

"So you are from Norway? You are a long way from home, then.
What brings you to these shores?" the erstwhile Blue Thunder
inquired.

Freya had to think fast. What was that story she had worked out
with Cologne? Oh, yes… "I'm an exchange student at… at
Nekomi Tech." She just said the first university that came
to her.

"Ah, indeed? And what is it that you are studying here that
you cannot learn back home?"

"I'm studying… comparative mythology." Yes, that's
it… comparative mythology! Yeah, that'll do…. "I'm
quite familiar with the legends and doings of the gods back home,
of course, but I'm interested in your indigenous deities…"
Freya lied. Well, not entirely; after all, she was quite
aware of the doings of gods back home, since home was Asgard, and
she had "done" a number of the gods… and not a few of
the goddesses, too.

"And where are you residing during your stay here?" Kuno
was, of course, a perfect gentleman, but given his date's beauty
and considerable… charms… Well, even he had the brief
notion of a nighttime visit to Freya's domicile. He'd been reading
Tale of Genji again…

Freya quickly put a damper on that. "I've been staying at
the Nekohanten, with Shampoo. Do you know her?"

"Ah, yes, the fair noodle vendor… Indeed I know her."
Kuno didn't mind Shampoo; she was quite nice, for a foreigner, but
if Freya was staying with Shampoo, that meant she was also staying
with the old ghoul… Err… The aged but esteemed Cologne. And
the thought of her making an appearance when Kuno might be
trying to sweet-talk his Sword-Wielding Beauty was enough to give
him nightmares and take the steel out of his sword, in a manner
of speaking.

And so the two of them talked, each thinking their own thoughts
about each other. Kuno was amazed at Freya's command of the Japanese
language, and, as he drew out her knowledge of the Nordic gods (he
maintained an interest in Japanese mythology, and it wouldn't hurt
to expand his knowledge. After all, there were some things
even he, the mighty Blue Thunder, did not know.). He was captivated
by her story-telling skills. Why, the way she told some of those
legends, it might almost be that she knew the gods themselves, or
knew someone who did. He was coming to the conclusion that
there was something very special about her, almost magical. As much
as he disliked admitting it, it seemed as if his precious Akane
and his treasured pigtailed girl now had serious competition.

Freya had her own opinions regarding Kuno. His talk was so full
of bluster and a clear "me first" attitude, that it reminded
her of several warriors and heroes that she knew… about a thousand
years ago, actually. Thinking about them made her just a little
bit… well… hot. She'd have to continue Shampoo's education tonight.
In the meantime, she pondered the chances of getting Kuno into Valhalla.
In the old days, All-Father would give the selected hero some gift
of power and strength, or a mighty weapon, and the aforementioned
hero would run rampant over all and sundry for a while. And then
divine favor would apparently be withdrawn, and the hero would be
killed; usually in some rather gruesome and unpleasant manner. Thus
would another hero be gathered up on the off chance that Ragnarok
was due. Still, Freya considered, things couldn't be done like that
in this day and age. Maybe she'd just find a way to sneak herself
into Kuno's bed sometime, and blow his… mind. She got the impression
he wouldn't mind that too much.

Kuno, blissfully unaware of the goddess's thoughts, was regaling
her with tales of his samurai ancestors. Much to his surprise, Freya
actually seemed interested. Enthralled, even. Kuno was accustomed
to being ignored — nay, even mocked — when he related
his lineage. How was he to know that Freya, being a typical Asgardian,
was fascinated by epics of heroism, especially if there was a lot
of slaughter. And in this case, there was plenty of blood and guts
to go around. For Kuno's ancestors were particularly active during
the Sengoku (Warring States) period, slicing and dicing whomever
their lord directed.

Freya couldn't help but to revert to… older notions, and
she briefly considered honoring Kuno with an ancient Nordic ritual,
the Blood Eagle†. But again, she dismissed
the idea as being hopelessly retro.

There comes a point in any date, especially a first one, where
both partners eventually run out of things to say, and a flat, embarrassed
silence settles over the table. In such occasions, just about any
interruption or distraction is welcomed. This point had now been
reached by Freya and Kuno, and the interruption was about to occur.

A strange, sibilant voice called to Kuno's date from the very back
of the restaurant. "Freya! What in the name of the Pyramid
of the Sun are you doing in Japan?!" it hissed in astonishment.

Freya and Kuno both turned, and Kuno, for one, brave and puissant
though he is, instantly regretted it. For the one that addressed
his sword-bearing beauty was a hideousness unlike anything he had
ever seen.

If we take a look, and not too close a one, we can see Kuno's point.
After all, its not every day you see a rather beefy looking woman
— at least, we assume she's a woman — wearing a skirt
made entirely of writhing, hissing, and very much living snakes.
Big ones, too. And that necklace made of what seemed to be human
hearts and severed hands was, to say the least, distressing. And
speaking of tresses, the apparition's hair was an absolute mess,
matted and knotted and plastered down with a substance that appeared
to be… well… blood. You certainly wouldn't want to get too close
to smell her hair, that's for sure. She also seemed to have a bad
skin condition, considering how rough and scaly it appeared. Her
face, while human, was sharp and angular. In fact, she looked as
much like a serpent as any person could.

Kuno's opinion of this vision out of Hell was succinct. "Gah…"
he said.

Freya's reaction, however, was not one Kuno, nor the restaurant
staff, aghast that someone like that Snake Lady could somehow slip
in (because it was quite obvious she didn't come in through the
front door), had expected. Surprise, of course, was perfectly normal
when faced with something like this. What wasn't standard operating
procedure was an apparent fond familiarity.

"Coatlicue? Question is, what are you doing in Japan?
You're way off your normal turf," Freya greeted the
thing, then, incredible though it seemed, hugged the frightful creature
as if it were a long-lost friend.

"Ahhh, you know, just hangin' out dirtside… Heard there
was a few goddesses here, thought I might drop in on them. Say,
is your friend over there feeling all right? He looks a bit green,"
pointed out the snake lady. And to amuse herself, Coatlicue strolled
over to where Kuno was sitting.

"Hey, baby… Care to show a lady a good time?"

"Coatlicue! Kuno's my date!" Freya protested.

"Easy, Goddess! Just a joke. Don't get your feathers ruffled."

"Goddess?" It was the first intelligible thing Kuno said
since Coatlicue popped in.

"Of course not! The only people that know I'm a goddess
are my clients! You know the rules!" Freya whispered
back.

Meanwhile, Kuno remembered his heritage. He remembered he was the
heir to a long tradition of samurai nobility, and as such, must
act in a suitably noble manner. Therefore he mustered up his courage
and swallowed his disgust over this Coatlicue's awful appearance,
and…

"Sadly, my lady, I must decline. As my sword-bearing
beauty has pointed out so rightly, this is her date, and
it would be an insult most grievous to divide my attentions between
two (cough) beauties…" And, the brave and noble Tatewaki
Kuno thought to himself, if you think I'm going to date you,
you're crazy!

Back outside the restaurant, Kasumi and Nabiki were waiting for
something… anything… to happen. At first, they ignored
the sounds of sirens wailing in the distance, but those sirens became
less and less distant, until the Tendo sisters found themselves
in what appeared to be a police situation. They watched from their
hiding place as the police and special operations elements deployed
themselves around the restaurant. Kasumi's eyes were wide as she
began to softly whisper a muted "Oh my", but her sister's
hand suddenly appearing over her mouth prevented her from saying
more than the first syllable.

"Keep it down, Sis. We don't want the police to know we're
here! Something big's going on in there, and I'd just as soon keep
out of everyone's way. I don't want to get caught up in some
hostage situation," Nabiki hissed into Kasumi's ear.

"But… Freya and Kuno are in there," Kasumi pointed
out.

"Yeah, I know. And while I have plenty of suspicions about
Freya, and you know what I think about Mr. Blue Blunder…
I… I don't want to see them get hurt. So let's just stay here,
out of everyone's way, where its nice and safe, and see what happens,
okay?"

Kasumi nodded her agreement and settled down to await events, which
weren't long in coming. For the police shouted out, as police tend
to do, "We have the place surrounded! Give yourselves up and
there won't be any trouble!" (Actually, they didn't
have the place surrounded. They didn't know about the hidden trapdoor
that led to a dark and mysterious system of tunnels, wherein were
performed unspeakable rites and rituals… But then, neither did
Freya, Coatlicue, or Kuno.)

Back inside the restaurant, two goddesses were rather surprised
to find themselves the center of attention by the local agents of
law and order. Kuno, of course, had long since passed the level
of surprise, and was hovering somewhere around the point of astonishment.
And it started out to be such a nice date, too.

"Jeez, what's all that noise in aid of, anyway? And where'd
all those people come from?" Coatlicue pressed her hands to
her ears to block out the painful sounds from outside.

Freya shook her head in puzzlement and looked around. Significantly,
the restaurant manager was no where to be seen. "Crap. Must
have been him that called in the fuzz," she mused.

"Well, darlin', my guess is the manager took one look at you
and call in the troopers. After all, you must admit that to these
mortals, you do present a rather intimidating appearance."

Kuno didn't understand why the two ladies — or at least, one
lady and one something else — were flinging words like "mortals"
around, but he felt obliged to support Freya. "Indeed yes,
you do look most unique. I, the Blue Thunder, have seen many things,
but nothing to compare to you." This from a young man who once
had a phoenix perched on his head.

"Yep, a smoothie, all right. Anyway, I can't help how I look!
Blame it on those crazy priests; they're the ones that gave me this
form to begin with. Bloody weird Aztec imagination, if you ask me,"
Coatlicue complained.

Freya hissed sharply in her Aztec friend's ear. "Keep it down!
You're giving away too many hints about us! You'll get us both
in trouble! Kuno may be like the heroes of old, big and dumb, but
even he can put things together, you know." (Little did she
know — especially when it came to a certain flame-haired girl
with a pigtail)

"Relax, will ya? Don't getcher feathers all ruffled! How 'bout
I go out, talk to the nice men in the uniforms, explain that it's
all just a silly misunderstanding and they can leave now,"
Coatlicue offered with a toothy grin.

"I know what you're thinking. Talk to them, like fun. You're
planning on putting a big scare into them, and we all escape in
the confusion! Somehow I don't think that'll work. This place, Nerima…
Its not like other cities here in Japan, or anyplace. It's not as
bad as, say, Arkham, but from what I've been told, even the domestic
residents are used to seeing weird stuff and weird people, here,"
Freya explained.

"Um… Freya… I know you're a battle goddess and all that,
but couldn't we just, you know, teleport or fly out of here instead?"

"Well, where's the enjoyment in that? What's wrong,
Coatlicue, not turning green on me, are you?"

"Look, gimme a break, okay! I mean, what do you expect, I
was attacked by 400 of my children, and had to rely on my son Huzzy
to save me!" Coatlicue huffed. "Besides, what do we do
about your date there?"

"Ummm… Yeah. That is a problem…" the Asgardian
goddess pondered.

Kuno, of course, had his own thoughts on the subject, especially
since he heard them discussing battle. "Nay, shall I, Tatewaki
Kuno, allow such fair maidens to sully themselves in combat? Permit
me, then, to draw my mighty sword of justice and carve for thee
a path to true freedom!" he nobly offered as he brandished
his bokken.

Coatlicue took in a glance at that bokken. She boggled. "What?
Are you off your nut? You, go thrashing away against them guys out
there with the guns and all, armed only with a dirty big stick?
Freya, I hate to say this, but your date's a loon!"

"Well, actually, in the hands of an expert, those 'dirty big
sticks', as you call them, can break bones, split skulls, and burst
internal organs," Freya explained.

"Well… Okay, but still, one mortal against the boys in blue
out there? This isn't exactly the old days, Freya, where one hero
could overcome impossible odds," Coatlicue pointed out.

"Yea, though I wade through an ocean of blood, I shall fulfill
my mission and keep my fair maiden," and one not-so-fair
maiden, "safe." Kuno was off again.

"Unfortunately, Kuno, Coatlicue is right. Brave though you
are (it never hurt to stroke a guy's ego a little, so long as you
didn't overdo it), I really am much better suited for this sort
of thing. You just wait here, and let me be your Battle Maiden,
okay?" And she effectively stilled any protest Kuno might have
made by a quick peck on his cheek.

And thus it was that Coatlicue and Freya emerged from the restaurant,
prepared to do battle. Well, at least Freya was. While the assembled
agents of the law boggled at Coatlicue, who muttered, "Why
do people always look at me that way…?", a nimbus
began to surround Freya, glowing ever brighter until she flared.
And in the place of a exquisite woman dressed for a date, there
was instead a veritable winged goddess garbed in gold-washed chainmail,
the links small and finely crafted, that reached down to her waist,
her loins covered by a short pure white skirt that left her curvaceous
legs exposed (and she'd better have something under them…), a
shield shining bright as the sun on one arm, and the other holding
sword that looked like it meant business.

Off to the side, behind the police lines and well-hidden, Kasumi
gasped in surprise as Freya transformed, and Nabiki started snapping
photos. She hoped she had enough film, because it suddenly looked
as if things were about to get interesting. And well about time,
too, she thought.

And so they were. Freya exploded into a blur of motion, the only
evidence of her passage a gold-colored streak across the front of
the police. There were sounds of heavy thumps all along the line,
and suddenly Freya was back at her starting position, the police
still standing, but apparently in a state of shock. The goddess
walked up to the nearest, who evidenced no reaction to being approached
by such a divine form, his eyes focused fixedly ahead. Freya gently
puffed on him, and down he went, falling stiffly onto his nearest
companion, who also fell onto his neighbor, and so on, like
a line of dominoes, until there was a circle of fallen police and
SWAT units around the restaurant.

Freya, satisfied with a job well done, gathered up Coatlicue and
went back into the restaurant for Kuno, while from their hiding
place, Kasumi and Nabiki boggled at the quick work she made of the
police, and the question in both their minds was, "What is
this Freya?!" Kuno was suitably impressed seeing his date in
her battle garb, puzzled at her wings, and was amazed, as he emerged
from the eatery with Freya and her Aztec friend, at the sight presented
by a circle of comatose police. Oh, and one Ford LTD that had just
arrived.

The car parked and two figures, dressed in black suits, got out.
The shorter, stockier of the two, both women, adjusted her sunglasses
and strode up to Freya. Her face, as if cast in stone, revealed
no emotion as she surveyed the scene… Unlike her companion, a
tall, willowy black woman with an almost fashion model beauty, who
was looking at the circle of fallen officers with frank amazement.

"Hello, Freya. I heard you were up to something here,"
spoke the first suit.

"They're not… dead, are they?" the taller one asked.

Freya sighed. "Hello, Kay. I'd say I'm glad to see you, but
it'd be a lie, and goddesses aren't supposed to lie, you know. And
no, they aren't dead, just taking a bit of a nap. Who's the newbie,
Kay?"

"Um… I'm Jay," spoke the black woman, in a bit of awe
from being addressed by a being of evidently great power.

"What are you guys doing out here, anyway? We are goddesses,
not aliens, or haven't you noticed? You're a bit out of your jurisdiction,"
Freya groused.

"Jurisdiction's been expanded lately. There's been too much
attention given by you divinities to this sector to go unsupervised.
And you gods and goddesses do tend to play around with we poor mortals
like so many toys," explained Agent Kay.

"Poor mortals, my shaved… er… never mind. But I swear,
you guys exist to take the joy out of things," the Nordic
goddess pouted.

"All part of the job," Kay said. "Jay, you look
after the police there and the restaurant staff. I'll neuralize
the boy." And she pointed to Kuno, who was suddenly of the
distressing opinion that he was in the middle of something that
was above even his head.

Freya looked upset. "Can you wait just a minute or two?"
She went up to Kuno, wrapped her arms around him, and much to his
surprise, pressed herself against him and kissed him deeply. Kuno's
toes curled as a result.

"At least give him a good memory, okay? This was supposed
to be a date, after all."

"All right," Kay agreed. She held a slender, pen-shaped
object before a puzzled Kuno, pressed a small button, and the boy's
face was bathed with a strange red light. "You had a wonderful
date, you both ate a lot of good food, you went out dancing afterwards
and you both had an enjoyable time. She even gave you an after-date
kiss," the agent instructed the Blue Thunder.

"Just about finished here," Jay informed her partner.

"Good. We'll take the boy here back home. And Freya, you'd
better go home, too, before you get into any more trouble. And Coatlicue,
you should get back to your own pantheon," Kay advised, as
she bundled a dazed Kuno into the car.

Kasumi and Nabiki had instinctively ducked behind their corner
at the arrival of the strange pair of women in the black suits.
For some reason, they both had the idea those two were Bad News.
Then there was that red flash they could just see from their
hiding place. Some heavy-duty weirdness had gone down, no mistake,
and Freya evidently was not very happy about it, given the amount
of grousing and complaining she was doing as she left.

That evening, after the two Tendo sisters had returned home, they
watched the news together to see if there was any explanation of
the day's events. There was. "…and today in Nerima, filming
for a new monster movie got out of hand when an animatronic robot
went out of control and injured some police that were called in
to deal with the situation. More details at 11:00," the announcer
read.

"Nabiki… That's not what happened, was it?"

"No, sis, and we've got the pictures to prove it. Or we will
as soon as I get them developed. And then we'll have the goods on
Freya!"

To be continued.

Author's notes:

1. It should be remembered that Kuno is
a quite accomplished kendoist. It's only in the light of the other
martial artists that frequent Nerima that his star shines with less
brilliance than its usual wont. (Okay, Kuno, now stop pointing
that pig-sticker at me. Please?)

2. Just what is this Blood Eagle thing?
Well, it's kind of gruesome. Basically, it involves staking the
person out on his back and carefully splitting open his sternum.
You then spread out his ribs so that they somewhat resemble the
wings of a bird… and the point of all this is that if you're good
at it, the honoree is still alive at that point. I can't imagine
the victim of this procedure would have felt particularly
honored, but it's in the sagas. Just don't ask me which one, okay?

3. Coatlicue, whose name means "She of the
Serpent Skirt", was the Earth goddess in Aztec mythology, and
also the goddess of Death. She was the mother of the god of war,
Huitzilopochtli, by way of a virgin birth. Her husband was Mixcoatl,
the cloud serpent and god of the chase. In Aztec accounts, Coatlicue
was miraculously impregnated with a ball of feathers while sweeping
out a temple at Coatepec. Her children Coyolxauhqui and the Centzon
Huitznahua (the Four Hundred Gods of the South — Four Hundred,
you gasp? Well, she was a mother goddess, after all) were
furious at her condition and decided to kill her. At the moment
of her impending death, Coatlicue gave birth to the fully-armed
Huitzilopochtli, who, with his Xiuhcoatl weapon, dismembered Coyolxauhqui
and routed the Centzon Huitznahua at the hill of Coatepec.

Depictions of Coatlicue are fairly rare in Aztec art. The Most
famous representation, and one of the most powerful Aztec sculptures,
is a colossal figure discovered in 1790 alongside the Cathedral
of Mexico, which was built atop the foundations of the primary temple
of Tenochtitlán. Standing on huge taloned feet, Coatlicue
wears a dress of woven rattlesnakes. Her pendulous breasts are partially
obscured behind a grisly necklace of severed hearts and hands. Writhing
coral snakes appear in place of her head and hands, denoting gouts
of blood gushing from her throat and wrists. The two great snakes
emerging from her neck face one another, creating a face of living
blood. A monument of cosmic terror, Coatlicue stands violated and
mutilated, her wounds mutely demanding revenge against her enemies.

This chapter was written with the assistance of a passing Goon
Show… and in case you're wondering, yes, I was reading
George MacDonald Fraser's "The Pyrates". Again.

And once again, I'd like to thank Jim Bader for all his encouragement
regarding "Aiyah! My Goddess?", and the inspiration
he's given me from his many excellent fanfics. (Yes, that's right,
this is all your fault, Jim!) I'd also like to thank Larry
F for putting this series up on his site and giving it a home. And
I thank Timm and Georgie, for just being there.

This chapter brought to you by the Kuno Family 100% Total Success
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