Online blog written by a female with Asperger Syndrome.

Options… feeling more limited by the day, making a choice.

I despise each day of my pitiful existence. I’m never going to accepted by others. The love I crave is never going to be given to me. I’m unworthy of the love that others take for granted. That was the cloud under which I was born. I can’t deal with the humiliation of everything that has happened to me. I’m still that little-bullied freak that I was at school. I tried to make it in this alien world, but I’m at the point where I can’t take any more. I’m not going to tell anyone when I make my decision to go through with ending this torturous hell. That is only for when a suicide attempt is a cry for help. I also don’t want to get accused of using it as a way of getting back at someone else. This isn’t about anyone else but how I feel. I can’t deal with this existence and I feel that every day is something I don’t want to continue to struggle through. I’ve never felt so low in my whole life. No one else gives a crap how I feel. All they care about is themselves. It’s all about how they feel. I constantly get let down and then kicked some more while I’m already down. I have no hope left for the future. That has been taken by everything that has ever happened. I’m not getting the support that I should be having because that ceased late last year and was never reinstated. I need that support more than I want to admit. I like to be independent but I barely go out now (literally only for a walk and college at the most and when I am not tired, the gym). I feel socially isolated and my anxiety is so bad that I jump at every noise I hear. I don’t want to talk because discussing my life got me treated unfavorably in the first place. I just want peace and time alone where I won’t be judged negatively and rejected. I want to say that I had to take that option if I end up making that decision. Let’s face it, I’m never going to be loved or accepted or treated with understanding and consideration when it comes to my disability traits.