Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Forbes: Iran Says "Tall, White" Space Aliens Control America

Documents leaked by NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden conclusively
prove that the United States has been ruled by a race of tall, white
space aliens who also assisted the rise of Nazi Germany in the 1930s.

These revelations about our alien overlords might not cost you any
sleep. But the part that should concern you a tad is that the UFO story
was just published by the Fars News Agency, the English-language news
service of Iran, a nation that may be very close to acquiring nuclear
weapons.

This being a crazy conspiracy theory, naturally the Russians are
behind it. The alleged alien invasion was revealed in a report by
Russia’s FSB spy agency, which found “incontrovertible proof’ that an
‘alien/extraterrestrial intelligence agenda’ is driving U.S. domestic
and international policy, and has been doing so since at least 1945,”
said the Iranian news service.

Fars apparently got the story from a hard-core conspiracy site called whatdoesitmean.com.
Here is the gist of the whatdoesitmean.com story as best I understand
it (or as the alien mind-control lasers allow me to understand it):

Snowden, who has been given asylum in Russia, leaked documents that a
race of extraterestrial “tall whites” arrived on Earth, helped Nazi
Germany build a fleet of advanced submarines in the 1930s, and then met
in 1954 with President Dwight Eisenhower “where the ‘secret regime’
currently ruling over America was established.”

“Most disturbingly, this FSB report warns, is that the ‘Tall White’
agenda being implemented by the ‘secret regime’ ruling the United States
calls for the creation of a global electronic surveillance system meant
to hide all true information about their presence here on earth as they
enter into what one of Snowden’s documents calls the ‘final phase’ of
their end plan for total assimilation and world rule.”

Meanwhile, the U.S. government is embroiled in a “cataclysmic” power
struggle between President Obama, who heads the alien shadow government,
and some unknown force that opposed the U.S.-alien alliance. “Most to
be feared by Russian policy makers and authorities, this [FSB] report
concludes, is if those opposing the ‘Tall White’ ‘secret regime’ ruled
over by Obama have themselves aligned with another
alien-extraterrestrial power themselves.”

Any good conspiracy theory needs a patina of truth, a bit of
intellectual cover to camouflage the craziness. In this case, the
whatdoesitmean.com/Fars story cites Paul Hellyer, the 1960s Canadian
defense minister who is now a fervent UFO activist. Hellyer allegedly has confirmed the accuracy of Snowden’s UFO leaks.

This is almost a funny story, until one remembers that Iran is a
moderately powerful nation of 76 million people, with a possible nuclear
arsenal, relatively large conventional military power, extensive
terrorist capabilities through its intelligence agencies and Hezbollah,
and a fundamentalist government that could easily engage in hostilities
against the U.S. Laugh if you will at conspiracy theories, but they
offer explanatory value for their believers, a way of making sense of
why things happen, even if it a funhouse-mirror explanation of the
world. The Fars News Agency is reportedly affiliated with Iran’s
influential Revolutionary Guards, which suggests that either Iran is
either desperate to smear the U.S. any way it can, or there indeed is a
very peculiar view of U.S. politics at the highest levels of the Iranian
government.

If there is a bright spot to this as well as a funny bone, it’s that
the goal of U.S. policy is to contain and neutralize Iranian influence.
So, perhaps it’s not necessarily a bad thing that Tehran thinks its main
adversary is backed by the power of space aliens. It’s good to have
friends in high places, even if they have two heads.