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Monthly Archives: February 2015

I’m no graphic designer, but you get the picture. Parody photo manip by Lisa Kay Tate.

Originally ran Feb. 13, 2015 for GeekMom.

Dear Sports Illustrated:

I am so sorry to hear that, once again, there have been complaints and controversy surrounding your well-intended guide to helping women and men pick out a practical, attractive, and affordable swimsuit perfect for swimming, surfing, playing soccer, volleyball on the beach, and going out in public with your family.

After seeing the cover for this year’s issue, which apparently raised a few eyebrows and hackles, I saw the problem immediately. The poor woman on the cover wasn’t even given a suit that fits properly. She has to grab onto to suit’s bottoms to keep them from falling off. What an embarrassment for her and for your wardrobe department. Uh-oh, someone’s getting fired this year.

I know, I know, you can thank me later, for I’m sure this is a step you’ve considered taking in the past.

I’m almost definitely certain this will work for you on many levels, and be a hit with readers of all demographics. Here’s are just three of the reasons why:

Preserving swimsuit model Hannah Davis’s dignity and modesty until she is able to get a suit that stays up. Parody photo manip by Lisa Kay Tate.

First of all, celebrity sells, and there is probably no bigger celebrity right now than Chris Pratt. I mean, wow, he’s everywhere, and I’m betting he’ll be even bigger next year. Isn’t that what you look for in a cover model? He’ll be a familiar face, whose talents stretch beyond just being a pretty face. Plus, I would think a prerequisite to being a cover model for a sports magazine is to play—or at least love—sports. Pratt loves sports! He knows football, and used his ability to trash talk with buddy Chris Evans (hey, another great choice, should Pratt be unavailable), as an excuse to visit sick children in hospitals. I’m told he does that anyways. That is what makes a person truly attractive, the fact he looks, well, “adequate,” in a bathing suit is secondary.

Second, of the other controversial subjects with this year’s issue, there was talk of a model described as “plus size.” I found the problem there immediately, as well. I looked all through that issue and didn’t find one person who I would rate as “plus size.” Only fit people, including one very beautiful woman in a black bikini, I’m sure you included just to make other women jealous. I assume “plus size,” in this case isn’t a size, but a grade, as in “A-plus!” When you promise a “plus size” model, there should be one, right? Here’s where Mr. Pratt could help you again, he was once considered “plus-size,” as well. The best part is, he didn’t seem to care. He seemed content to be who he was, no matter his girth, and even expressed as long as his wife and daughter loved him, who cares what others think of him. What a wonderful attitude for everyone, especially during the summer when people who feel they have less-than-perfect bodies spend entire summers swimming with t-shirts over their suits.

A “plus-size” Pratt, still happy with who he is. That’s what we need in a cover model. Parody photo manip by Lisa Kay Tate.

Finally, it has been recently brought to my attention, that the Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue isn’t really for women, as Sports Illustrated is primarily considered a “men’s magazine.” See, there’s another reason where you’re heading in the wrong direction. You’ve been showing off women’s suits, on the cover. Most men I know prefer to wear comfortable, loose-fitting trunks, rather than bikinis. I would think even the ones who enjoy bikinis, or rather bikini briefs, would want something that fits a little better than this year’s cover selection.

This, once again, is why my suggestion is perfect for your cover next year. Mr. Pratt will be advertising men’s swimsuits in a magazine for men! No more confusion over what men are wearing next season.

Of course, I always assumed women liked and played sports, too, but that’s another topic for another day.

There it is. I can’t wait to see next year’s cover! Everyone should be happy. I can’t think of one good reason why this won’t be the best swimsuit issue ever. Sure, there might be a few who think that the only reason they put him on the cover is to belittle and gawk at the male physique. Like, you all would ever issue a magazine with the intention selling sex over substance.

It’s time to turn those mid-winter blues into some warm fuzzy feelings, as well as get a head start on simple gifts for Valentine’s Day and springtime events.

There are surprisingly many kinds of little cute and cuddly creatures hidden among the adventure worlds of comics, video games, science fiction, and fantasy. Here are just five examples of little puffy pals that can be brought to life to brighten someone’s day, and heart:

Basic Materials:Pom poms of various shapes
Felt or craft foam
Ribbons or string

Each of these crafts might need and extra material or two, but we’ll cover those in the individual projects.

Jar of Tribbles

Who doesn’t want a little jar of these little furry fast reproducing and ravenous critters from the original Star Trek series? Well, probably anyone wishing to keep the air ducts clean and their sanity intact.

This is a rare one-step craft. Fill a small plastic jar with small pom poms in various shades of brown and grey. That’s it.

However, you don’t want to forget to include the rules for care. You can write your own rules, or use this little ready-made printable template. Roll this list up in a scroll and attach it to the list with a ribbon or string. No one will be lonely for long, if they have tribbles in the house.

For a good “discount version” of this craft, substitute small plastic lunch bags (flap top, not zip-top) or plastic wrap squares for jars. They can be secured in the same way, with a ribbon and note.

Angry Birds Hair Accessories

What little round video game-inspired birds lend themselves better to pom pom crafts than the Angry Birds gang? You’ll need only googly craft eyes and some felt or craft foam sheets to make these. For this craft, I’ll focus on familiar rivals Red and King Pig.

For Red, cut three small strips of black felt or foam for the tail feathers, and two for his eyebrows. Cut two yellow or orange triangle pieces for the beak, and a little white circle for his belly. Attach to a red pom pom (as pictured) with craft glue, and add his eyes.

For King Pig: Cut two small and one larger circle with green felt, for the ears and nose respectively. Use a felt tip marker to draw the nostrils and ear holes. Cut a simple crown with yellow felt, and add its “jewels” with blue felt tip or three blue seed beads. Attach to a green pom pom, and add his googly eyes on either side of the nose.

You can use a similar method to make the other characters, including The Blues, the blue jays, or Stella, the pink bird.

Attach with glue gun to a simple, plain hair clip.

These don’t have to be used just for hair. They can clip on a shirt or jacket collar just as easily, or clipped to the edge of a note card with a paper clip.

Wisp-y Tea Lights

Pixar’s Brave had so many wonderful, magical elements, include little blue will-o-the-wisps who helped light the way for Princess Merida on more than one occasion. They didn’t always lead to a positive end, but they looked beautifully peaceful, either way.

To make a little wisp, glue three turquoise blue pom poms around inexpensive flame-less tea light, as well as one on top. Don’t make these too close together, as you want a little light to show through. You can also color the “flame” blue with a felt tip marker, so it doesn’t show up as well when not lit (is will still glow orange when lit).

Surround the light’s base with green felt or craft foam, and clip the top to look like grass. Add felt, feathers or blue craft fur to crate little head top-notches and arms, and black beads or rhinestones for the eyes.

These little blue wisps could act as table settings, little bedside nightlights, or party favors.

Pigmy Puff Pencil ToppersThe “really cute” and “fairly cuddle” little pets (according to the Weasley twins) are from the Harry Potter books and movies. They were bred specially by George and Fred Weasley for their shop, Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes. They roll around and squeak, and Potter character Luna Lovegood said they have “been known to sing on Boxing Day.” Ginny Weasley had a purple Pygmy Puff, but feel free to explore different colored varieties.

For these little pencil toppers, cut out a small felt circle in the same color of the pom pom you want, and clip a small slit on its radius (from center to edge). Shape into a cone and glue to the pom pom. Cut and glue to smaller oval pieces to use for ears, and glue small black rhinestones or beads to the cone.

Once finished, glue these onto the eraser end of a new pencil. These can be fun Valentine’s Day handouts or party favors.

For an extra edge, tie a little label advertising the Weasley twins’ business. There are tons of ideas for these on Harry Potter and fan art sites, or design your own hand-drawn version.

Bitemares!

These little gothy balls of monster fluff from the all-ages Action Lab comic Vamplets are the little animals needed to help Vamplet babies fall asleep with their bites. They were discovered and domesticated by Mr. Doomfluff, founder of the Undead Pet Society, and became all the rage in Gloomvania.

They are also very easy to make.

Glue colored googly eyes to one pom pom, or glue together two pom poms of different colors. Cut four little rectangle “feet” for these creatures and attach a little bow to their head. These work best if you make several of them and pile them together in little herd.

The Vamplets book uses shades of purples, blues, and pinks in its art, so those are good colors to stick with.

Set these colorful little critters around desktops and shelves as little watchful pets. Secure them to their perch with a small piece of double-sided adhesive squares, or just carry them around, so they can perch from room to room.

I wouldn’t let them hang out too near the tribbles, though. That could spell certain disaster.