Life Skill: How to Combat Nervous Sweat

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Hi, Rooks! Every January for thepastfouryears, we’ve brought you Life Skills essays full of tips for living as a human in this world. Starting now, we will be offering you a twice-monthly, quick ’n’ easy-to-digest Life Skills column! It’s all about how to be a person, and I could not be more thrilled. Being a person is a full-time job, and I don’t mind tellin’ ya, I’ve picked up a few tricks along the way.

Our first tip is one that I’ve been using for years:

How to Combat Nervous Sweat

Most people sweat. Some people sweat a little bit, and some people sweat a LOT. There is nothing wrong with sweating! It’s a function of our human bodies, and nothing to be ashamed of.

HOWEVER, all my life, I’ve had a problem (a problem for me, at least): I sweat the absolute most when I’m nervous. And I’m the most nervous when I have to be standing in front of other people, talking. Presenting to a class, getting up and speaking—anything like that makes me sweeeeeaaaat. We’re talking HUGE dark moons of sweat that soak through my shirt and slowly spread downward, leaving me cold and clammy, and also irritated and self-conscious. I want to seem cool ’n’ collected! I do not need two, soggy-wet billboards advertising my nervousness to everyone within eyesight of me. How dare my body betray my steely nerve, you know?

If this is you, rejoice, because the end is nigh for your sweat-circles. All you need is an ultra-thin maxipad, like these—go for super-thin pantyliners with no wings. (Scented or unscented—it’s up to you.) Study the maxipad box—just look at what it promises! It “helps absorb leaks and odors!” For nervous, big-time sweaters like me, that sounds…ideal. Let’s put those powers to good use!

Take a pad out of its wrapper. Cut it in half. Peel the backing off, and slide one half of the pad, absorbent-side-up, into each armpit of your shirt. (Hint: make sure your sleeves are long enough to cover the pad up.) Press the sticky side of the pad onto the fabric on the bottom of your shirt’s armpit, and PRESTO: You have practically GUARANTEED that you will not sweat dark circles into your shirt! No one can see the pad, and you can sweat all day while remaining as cool and fresh and dry as a cornflower growing in beach sand on a chilly October morning.

Who’d like to volunteer to show the class? Raise your hand—because you don’t have anything to worry about when it comes to that now! THANK YOU, MAXIPADS. ♦

Oh my goodness, where were you when I discovered, in 6th grade, while wearing a grey 3/4 length sleeve shirt, that I too am plagued by nervous sweat?! It STILL affects the clothes I buy to this day, because I am worried about showing sweat stains. Thank you thank you thank you!