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The Mom Challenge – Stop Judging Other Moms

March 18, 2014

Welcome back to The Mom Challenge. If you remember, we started this series a while ago. I’ve been wanting to do another ‘challenge’, but I have been drawing a blank. Today something happened. At first I was a little…put off by it. And then, I realized this was the exact inspiration that I needed for a new Mom Challenge post. (Right – always look for the positive!)

Before we go on – you can check out all of our past ‘challenges’ here.

But first, a little background of where all of this is coming from. Yesterday my post on our chore magnets was featured on another website (thank you). Essentially – they were magnets. With chores on them. Josh could pick what chores he wanted to do and earn his allowance. We also color coded them to help earn TV/Video Game time. I had lots of emails asking “what did you put on the magnets?” So I posted my list. Some things included chores like “Take out the trash.” some things included things like “Try a new food.”. And yes. One of them included “Brush your teeth.” (Don’t worry – we had 2 magnets for that! One for the morning and one for the evening!) Well. Then I got this lovely comment:Sheri wrote:

“Overall, a generally clever idea, but I was appalled at one “chore magnet”. Brushing one’s teeth is not a chore! It’s a matter of personal hygiene, like washing your hands, and taking baths, and going to the potty. Failure to brush your teeth can land you in the hospital under general anesthesia. Not to mention black teeth and no friends and very likely bullying. You’re paying your child 50 cents a day to do something they are REQUIRED to do, twice a day everyday, no questions asked??”

I’m very sorry I appalled you. I absolutely agree with you. Dental hygiene is so important! That’s why I added it to our chore magnets! I wanted to make sure that it was done. Twice a day. For the right amount of time. And included mouthwash and flossing.

I know how important dental health is (please see above comments!) What you may not know is that sometimes everyday things can be torture for different people. Especially kids who suffer from sensory issues and Autism. Which we just happen to have. (Thankfully things like brushing teeth are not an issue for us anymore!)

BUT…why does it matter?

(This was the quote that started this whole series!)

WHY do women and mothers judge other mothers like this. Especially mothers who are there, trying, involved, working to make their children’s lives the best that they can.

Stay at home moms judge moms who are working. Working mom’s are judging moms who choose to stay at home.

Mom’s who let their kids cut their hair however they want, the mom who let’s her son wear his superman costume to the grocery store, the pacifier moms, the blanky moms, the moms who run through the fast food line.

The over weight child’s mom, the child who is not participating in extra curricular activities, the child who is participating in too many extra curricular activities.

And apparently the mom who paid her child 50¢ to brush his teeth.

Being a mother is the hardest job in the world. WHY are we picking out women to put down. To judge. I could understand if maybe I was being judged because my child didn’t even OWN a toothbrush. But listen. I’m here. I’m trying. I take the best care of my child just like the next mom. If I didn’t love my child I wouldn’t write a ‘mom’ blog. If you didn’t love your child – you wouldn’t be reading an article about a Mom Challenge.

I’m not perfect. I don’t pretend to be. I should have made my son eaten more vegetables. (Here. Want to judge me? The only fruit he will eat is a banana. I made him try a bite of pineapple the other day and he gagged. Trust me. I’m pretty sure it was the biggest form of torture that he’s ever been put through.) I probably shouldn’t let him stay up as late as I do on the weekends. I should make him cut back on his video game time more.

And, to be honest. It’s not really anyone’s business. (Now, I know I put it out there on the internet for all to see so maybe it is other people’s business…) How about this. It’s not anyone’s business to judge me as a mother.

It’s time to put the boxing gloves away. We need to quit bringing others down and instead support other moms. We need to tell each other, “Hey, I know it’s hard. You are doing a good job.” We need to quit competing on who can be the best and be ourselves. We need to start worrying about other people’s kids less and our own more. But most of all, we need to quit judging other mothers.

Not only will cutting out the judging make us nicer, better people, but that will translate into being an even better mom! Living a positive life makes you happier! Being happier means you are more fun to be around! Plus, let’s lead by example! Let’s teach our kids that not everyone does things the same way. Some people have different ideas. That’s what makes us unique. That’s what makes us special. And that’s why we, as a whole, work. We each have something important to bring to the table. We can all learn from each other.

And please, don’t think this post is about a comment I recieved. I actually received lots of comments on this post and others that were not so nice. Normally I delete them. But this time I let them inspire me. This challenge is not directed at anyone nor is it to make someone look or feel bad. The fact that mom’s need to support each other has been on my heart for a while now. Parenting is hard – let’s not make it harder!

Don’t forget to check out the other 33 week’s Mom Challenge posts here.

Comments

I try hard not to judge other moms because I don’t want to hear about it when they disagree with one of my decisions. I try to put myself in their shoes and if it isn’t something I would want to hear, I don’t say it.

Wow! Just wow! I feel the same as you, Amanda. My little man has autism and deals with sensory issues and while he doesn’t mind brushing his teeth, we have other battles. Brushing WAS a struggle at first. What most parents of typical kids don’t understand is that what their kids do on a daily basis can be SUCH a struggle for kids with autism and other spectrum disorders. Normal hygiene issues like bathing, brushing, going potty — is not an easy task for our kiddos. For someone like Sheri, to judge another mom for teaching/training their kids in the way that works for THEM is what is apalling. We’re all (for the most part, I hope!) doing what we can to raise our kids to be the BEST that they can be. I understand her reasoning……but again. That’s assuming your child is typical. You can’t hold all kids to the same level of understanding and progress. Love your post Amanda…and I hope it opens Sheri’s eyes and that lots of other moms can take this advice! We’re all in this together, MOMS!!!

I love this challenge!!! I am the mom who let her kids wear the costumes to the store and almost everywhere else. He practically lived in them and to me it just wasn’t worth the fight. Thankfully he has outgrown that phase now. I think each Mom does what she feels is best for each of her children.

I try very hard not to judge anyone. Though sometimes I fail, I am human after all. I just try and put myself in the others shoes. I know being a parent, being a mom, is super hard and we all have our own way of doing things and that is okay! Great article!!

Okay, first, I will say sorry: I’ve never been to your blog before, and have no idea what sort of hurdles you’ve faced with your kids. I have a (formally diagnosed) sensory kid of my own, and we’ve had our share of challenges (both my kids are adopted, at 16 and 21 months of age, from less than ideal situations). I do think, as I wrote earlier, that your magnet chore idea is a clever one. I even like it!

But, bottom line, I do not feel I was being judgmental. I was perturbed, and yes, appalled, and thus commented, at the thought of paying for twice daily completion of what I consider more than simply a “life skill” (my own term for chores). I’ve struggled with the idea of paying for chore completion vs. a straight allowance, and have mixed emotions on the topic: suffice to say: (and my kids are 9 and 11; I’m a single mom) I don’t pay for chores even though I’ve often been sorely tempted to part with a quarter for a clean kitty litter!! After a couple of years of mulling it over, tho, my philosophy finally came down to: we all have to work together to keep our home clean and tidy; chores are really life skills they need to master, and I do deduct from their allowance if they fail to complete what’s expected of them in a more or less timely manner, without repeated reminders. I will, and often do, negotiate trades and compromises. AND, I will pay for extra special, optional tasks, such as picking up tree branches in the yard after a wind storm.

But basic personal hygiene in our home is purely non-negotiable, and I guess I’m pretty lucky, as my kids have never fought me over it. So maybe I terrified them with all-too-true (and gruesome) tales of their cousins’ black teeth, silver teeth, and oral surgeries under sedation: it worked. Neither one has ever had a cavity. Peace!! And.. signing off.

Thanks Sheri. No hard feelings! I hope you know the post wasn’t personally directed at you, just something that’s on my heart and you happened to leave the comment. I think sometimes we all need a reminder that we don’t know what it’s like in the other person’s shoes or the whole story. I hope that women can start building each other up as much as sometimes I feel like we tear each other down. I’m sure your kids are proud of having you as a mom and I agree we all work together as a family!

Yay, great post! I try not to judge others either. Sometimes it happens but I keep it to myself. And in my home my son does not like brushing his teeth and has sensory issues with certain tooth pastes…sooo this would be a chore for us. Things that are easy for some parents may not be easy for others. Some people appall me with their criticism. :)

I think it’s human nature to judge. It’s hard not to! You work so hard to do things well and I think everyone compares themselves to others. I try to be conscious of it and work on catching myself! Reading and bed making…not a problem at our house. Cutting toe nails or brushing teeth — different story! :)

We have NO idea what other parents are dealing with or going through, and I hate when people judge – especially openly like that on a blog. She doesn’t know you or your situation! I have plenty of people ‘judge’ me for rewarding my kids for being respectful, going to bed without a fuss, etc., YES it’s something they should just DO, but we as adults sure like to get a paycheck for the daily things we just DO as well right?!
I am joining you in this challenge- thanks for sharing!

Thanks Krissy! :) Different systems work for different kids. I think in life we are always rewarded for doing things we should do, it’s just when you are young it’s hard to see it! Keep up the great work!!

I love that Sherri commented back and that there are no hard feelings on either side. Some moms do judge more than others and it’s not right. I can only do what is right for MY family, not anyone else’s.

My son is Autistic or Asperger’s and I know what a challenge it is to have to take care a child. I try my best everyday. My son is beating challenges everyday that surprise everyone. My son was attacked at school and now I homeschool. I can not stand people who judge your child. When my son was 2 he did have fits because he hates stores. One day a man walked by us and mumbled ” What a brat.”. Never had so much anger in my life.

I understand. I am so blessed that Josh is SO high functioning but sometimes I feel like that brings on it’s own challenges. That people look at him and b/c he doesn’t look different that means he should be able to stand still or that he’s ‘weird’ for things like sounds bothering him. Like I said – go happy we are so high functioning! But I just wish that people took to heart the saying “You shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover”. Your son is lucky to have you in his corner!! ;)

This challenge caught my attention because I wish people wouldn’t judge me. Because I have anxiety or I feel sad a lot and am struggling with my positive thinking, you always get comments about how you shouldn’t be doing this or that and it’s like well now you mean to tell me you are doing everything perfect in your life.

Instead of support you get judgement and that’s what I don’t like so I try not to judge anyone as best I can because I know how it feels. I couldn’t imagine the judgement mothers receive especially when you try to think outside the box. I really hope we can all learn to accept each other and not give our judgement in a critical way but instead a polite conversation.

Hugs!! I think the best thing a person can have in their life is a friend! Someone who you can talk to when you are feeling down and someone who you can count on! I hope you have someone like that in your life – if not I would be more than happy to hear out some of your vents! :) Josh (my son) suffers from anxiety. It’s no fun!!

If 50 cents a pop is what it takes to form a good habit of oral hygiene, then rock on! It will be a lot cheaper to shell out a few bucks now than to have cavities filled and other expensive dental work later.

And seriously, mom judging is getting so ridiculous! As long as everyone’s kids are healthy and well taken care of, the HOW doesn’t really matter…

I try not to judge people because I don’t think I’m the perfect mom or that I do everything the right way. To each their own. I hate when people are negative, I try to just ignore it. In the end I do what’s best for me and my family. I really don’t care what anyone thinks.

I think people are able to sit behind a computer and pass judgment on things they would not say to your face. But then some people are classless enough to say crappy things to your face. I am glad you are able to rise above it.

It’s such a fine line, because sometimes moms really don’t know about things that could be potentially harmful to their kids (like car seat safety, etc.) and when you try to offer help, you get accused of judging. But real judging? No way. Never helpful.

This is a very great post! You’re right we should not Judge other parents as they should not judge us. Another thing is to stop being so worried what other people will think ( i’m terrified of this) when our boys start acting up in the store I almost have an anxiety attack thinking about what others will say or do. It’s awful , it’s also another reason why either I stay at home or my husband goes shopping with me. Plus i’m not a people person and I freak out in crowds (yes Walmart is WAY too crowded for me) . Anyways great post!

Oh i absolutely love this! So inspired and motivating! Yes; Please STOP judging. There is enough criticism in the world. Enough bullying in the world. Please stop doing it to each other. moms need to pull together and support one another. Not tear each other down.

What works for one child won’t work for another. Trust me; I have three that each respond differently to tasks. Each one needs a DIFFERENT reward/punishment/motivation to actually do what they are “SUPPOSE” to do. So if one mom needs to pay her child $0.50 to get him to actually brush his teeth> I say GO FOR IT! Good on you to take the initiative to find out what works to get our child to do what he needs to do!

And yes, Special needs kids are very different. I have one myself. She is a challenge and nothing that worked for my boys works with her. And I’m tired of being judged and criticized that she isn’t up to speed with other kids her age. Because she is unique. She is different. And she can’t process like regular kids. So why does that make me a bad mom?

You motivate me! And inspire me! Thank you for this beautiful challenge!

It sounds so simple, The Mom Challenge – Stop Judging Other Moms, doesn’t it? It should be. My first response was “I don’t judge other moms”…but it wasn’t just a second later and I was like “oh yeah I do” as I read your post.

It’s hard when other well meaning people want to give you free advice, or stories of how THEY did it when they had kids. And sometimes I could use some help. But then again, I don’t think they’d be offering suggestions if they thought I was doing it the “right way”…so back to judging again.

You’ve given me something to definitely look at from within and add to my prayer list. I’m not a perfect mom, but God gave my son to me and me to him so..

Wow. I don’t understand some people and their need to comment such things. My son doesn’t have sensory issues but he HATES brushing his teeth and regardless of whether one thinks it should be looked at as a chore or not, to my son it absolutely is. But as with all things in life, knowing that you need to do something and you do it despite your hatred for it is a good lesson in my opinion. SO what I am trying to say is when I make a chore chart (which I plan to do one day) then teeth brushing will be on there!

I’m sorry that you had to read that. Some ppl don’t think before they post. I don’t know why she felt the need to voice her opinion but she did. Being a single mother of 3, 2 on the Spectrum, I am a living example of doing what you have to do to survive the day. Just surviving is a WIN!! ;)

I guess I don’t worry much about what other people do unless it personally affects me with negative consequences. Everyone has the right to do as they wish, and I can see the point from both sides. It’s just a matter of preference.

I am so sad to have only just found this challenge when you’re more than half way done :(

I hate it when mamas judge each other, so she doesn’t like that you pay your kid to clean his teeth, there’s probably things she does that you wouldn’t agree with either – what’s it they say, people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones? We’re all mamas and we should all support each other to parent our children the way we wish to. I can’t stand all this I’m a better mama than you because I do X and you do Y!

Thank you for this blog. Judging and comparing ourselves with each other is a hard habit to break. In order to stop judging we need to be aware of, and able, to change our emotional reactions to how other parents are teaching their kids. If the other parents goal is a positive one, then let it be. We all learn in different ways and so do our children.

It is human nature to judge things whether it is movies, books or other people’s actions. We can’t help ourselves. It is ok to have an opinion. However, I agree with you and it is what we do and how we act on those opinions that bring us to the next level.

I see nothing wrong with your child’s teeth brushing being on the chore chart. But if I did, I certainly wouldn’t express that to you unless you asked me. And even then, I would chose my words carefully.

ACTUALLY… if you look up a lot of chore charts for younger kids it has brush teeth and even take a bath on it! Like any chore, it teaches responsibility and how to take care of things that are yours. I don’t see anything wrong with having brush teeth as a chore.

More parents need to worry about their own homes and not worry so much about others. It’s kinda like the glass house analogy or “He who has not sinned can throw the first stone”. There are very few things that bring out the judgmental side of me. Seeing kids who are not taken care of but the parent is walking around with high end devices, or other parents talking smack about someone over something stupid. If you want to go judging parents, start looking within first. That’s my advice on the topic.

This is a great post! I remember when I was raising my kids there weren’t a million methods and no one ever criticized me for my choices. Now days it seems like everyone is fighting to prove their parenting style is better and it’s really disheartening. As if we need more to divide us.

We used the marble method for years. Personal grooming was not a paid chore but it was a penalty marble if not completed.

Out of our seven, one of the boys had to have a list of everything he was expected to get done…or it didn’t happen!

Each family is different. I learned a long time ago that the end does justify the means…sometimes! We need to give each other grace as moms… there isn’t a golden way to run our homes and raise our children.

Since I became a mother a little over three years ago, I’ve stopped being as judgmental as I used to be. I’ve realized that we are all fighting a harder battle than anyone could imagine and it’s terrible to judge. Too bad not everyone realizes that, though. This world would be a much nicer place!

It annoys my friends that I’m one of those people who doesn’t like to gossip about people and how they raise their kids. If my husband and I had kids we’d want to raise them how WE saw fit, not how our neighbors and friends saw fit. That being said, I will be honest and admit that I DO judge parents who go into schools blaming the teachers for their kids failing a test or getting a bad grade when the kid was obviously slacking off.

I just hate judgmental mothers and people! I just had someone replied on my post I’m teaching my kids to shop until they drop and be broke. The nerve of her! I deleted the comment but we need to learn to just dust it off and keep it moving. Don’t let bitter people move you.

I agree with you wholeheartedly. And good on you for putting your response out there for all to see! A major shift needs to happen in the way society thinks about things. Right there is the ticket… OVER thinking. What about giving way to feeling? That, instead, would possibly allow for more compassion toward each other… how wonderful would that be!

I absolutely love this challenge! I agree, moms need to stop judging other moms! Sometimes kids need an incentive to encourage them to do something properly, I reward my daughter for using the potty with stickers and other little rewards, I wonder if that commented would be appalled with that, LOL!

I try my best not to judge or offer un-solicited advice. I know that I can not stand it when I received it. I think I am doing a pretty damn good job raising my daughter. I’m complemented on how well she behaves often. But, there are those rare occasions when I get a look or even a scolding for how I am parenting. Parenting is not easy and there is no one way to do it.

I think we all just need to realize that we are all doing the best that we can with our own children. What works for one doesn’t always work for another. It’s easy to sit behind a computer and say harsh things to another mother without knowing the full story. This woman should really take a step back and worry about her own parenting. I’m sure she does plenty that some of us would not agree with as well.

People judge people all the time, that is the way life goes unfortunately. As long as you are doing what is right for your child – keep doing it and do not ever feel the need to explain yourself to others. Life is just too short to worry about what others are thinking of you – there are too many people that think you need to do it their way!

My 6 year old daughter has sever sensory issues, my daughter has issues with how to brush teeth not that she dont want to she love brushing it’s the flossing and the rinsing and mouth washing part she feels like she can’t do it right. The flossing annoys her to no end. I do not instantly reward her as it’s something she’s suppose to be doing seven days a week. I tell her that if she can make it seven days a week then she gets more tv time or more this or that time I don’t reward with money because later she will learn from me that I will always be providing for her. healthy habbits start young and I dont want her into the habbit of wanting money for things that will probally rot her teeth anyhow if she buys it with her own money in her mind I can stop her lol not now of course but I have step teens and I know how their mind works so it’s rewards for more tv or computer or this or that she can even pick one thing she will want to earn such as a new poney and after seven days of bushing remember it takes 30 days to develop a habit then she gets a reward. let me explain then next 15 days she gets even bigger reward stickers on a chart. as she’s very reward driven and I found will only do things when a reward is involved so having that stretch of space and not instant reward seems to work with my kid. everyone has things that works for them and who are we really to judge what to do or not do if it works let it be and if you feel it bothers you then it’s a insecurity thing within yourself when you judge someone else

I agree. We should stop judging period. When I see moms doing things I may not approve of, I used to judge now I try to make a funny story to go with it. It give me the giggles and I forget what made me uncomfortable in the first place.

This is a great post. I’m working on my judging other moms. I am learning that what you see isn’t always what it seems. I have seen kids throw tantrums and automatically assumed their parents weren’t disciplining them. But now I realize it could be something deeper. Especially sense I have a nephew with autism. He has taught me to be more open and stop judging

I love this post! Moms are so judgey. I breastfeed because I think it’s best, but I don’t condemn those that don’t. My soon-to-be 3 year old is still rear-facing. I do judge people on when they change to forward-facing, but that’s for safety reasons.

I very much feel that every parent decides what is right for their child and their family. As long as the child is healthy and not abused or neglected, I don’t judge. I make decisions that I’m sure other parents wouldn’t agree with. We don’t all do things the same way.

YES! YES! YES! YES! AND YES! This exact topic has been on my mind A LOT lately! I couldn’t of said this better myself (trust me, my post is not as good, lol)!! Your post could not of come to me at any better time! Thank you!

A good blog friend of mine quit blogging because of comments like those. It makes me so sad to see women be so discouraging when everyone (especially moms) need a lot of encouragement. I’m sorry you had to deal with judgmental comments like that. Everyone has their own way of parenting. If everyone did everything the same way, life would be boring. :)

There’s no such thing as a perfect mom, or perfect decisions. Everyone makes mistakes, regardless of whether they are parents or not. You just go with the flow and always try to do what’s best for your children and yourself. <3

I agree! I put it out there. But this was something I wanted to write about before getting that comment and something I’ve noticed just in life in general. I just think mom’s should join in together. We all have something in common — we love our kids!

I recently pinned this challenge and I am excited to start it on Monday but I can’t seem to find anything after week 34. I am missing a link or have they not been posted? I hope I’m just missing something as this challenge is just what I’m looking for to help strengthen a strained relationship. Keep up the good work. :)

Aloha! Just wanted to let you know I have brushing teeth on our “chore chart” too. I could nag him every day.. did you brush your teeth? did you brush your teeth? But thats not making him responsible and it drives me crazy! Instead I can say, Make sure your chores are done. He looks at his chart, brushing is on there every day, along with making his bed, with a different one daily to mix it up. Eventually, brushing will be a daily routine and he wont have to be reminded. Until then, it goes on the list of daily duties. :) Your doing great, and I appreciate you and your blog. Some adults should remember the old “If you don’t have anything nice to say…” and practice it. Keep up your good work that is spanning time, space and the internet! Aloha!

There is so much judging in the world today. I’m not sure, but sometimes I think social media has increased it. It is easy to throw judgement on someone you don’t know and move on, unfortunately.
As mothers we need to support each other, not tear one down. I love your “no judging” challenge!