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Global Draining

News broke yesterday that NC-20, a lobbying group for coastal development that, among other things, thinks property owners should be allowed to dump chemical waste directly into our watersheds, is sponsoring legislation that would outlaw outlaw sea level rise. Ignoring the fact that you can’t actually sue the ocean, what they’re actually promoting is a law that would prevent the state from using any sea surface model that extrapolates future ocean trends using anything but a linear regression. Essentially, they’re making it illegal for the state to anticipate future changes to the coastline, plan and prepare for potential flooding, or restrict development on transient barrier islands.

But my detractors have raised valid criticisms. Primarily that my original study covered too short a time frame and was biased to only a small period of the tidal cycle. To remedy these concerns, I have conducted a new study, tracking the draining of the sea over an 8 days period, by measuring the maximum high tide of each day. The results are shocking. Read More

Since I discovered the Global Draining phenomenon yesterday, my e-mail and twitter has been flooded with witnesses of similar events all over the country. By fortune and chance, Jeff Priddy documented the earliest stages of Global Draining over three days this weekend. In it, you can see the wetland begin to drain, slow down briefly as the snow melt, and the empty completely. In three days the wetlands were completely dry! Damn you Global Draining!

Friends, colleagues, I stand before you today with the worst possible news. Earlier today, as I sat watching the sea, I noticed a disturbing trend. While scientists and environmentalists may claim the sea level is rising, I watched with my own eyes as the sea retreated.

The data are irrefutable, we have entered into a downward spiral of Global Draining.

Data from February 17, 2010

There can be no doubt, the sea level is falling. At this rate the entire ocean will be completely empty by 2026. That’s just 16 years. In that time the size of the ocean will shrink, there will be a mass migration of beach-combers further offshore. Coastal property will have to be rezoned as inshore. Once global draining reaches the continental shelf, a huge cliff will emerge from the sea. Soon we will be able to go mountain climbing in Challenger Deep.

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