New genre of erotic fiction uninspiring

We all have fantasies. Some are darker, fuelled by thoughts of pale, yet undeniably handsome strangers intent on pricking you with his, er, fangs. Others are hairier, and involve teeth, claws and a good old howl beneath a full moon.

But some of us are extremists and crave something more than a commonplace werewolf or vampire fantasy. For all you kinks out there, never fear because big, dirty dinosaur porn is here! According to Amazon.com, self-published eBook authors Alara Branwen and Christie Sims broke into the top 50 most popular erotica novels this October following their creation of a shocking new genre of "literature" — dinosaur erotica.

Although Fifty Shades of Grey author E.L. James still currently holds the No. 1 spot, Branwen and Sims have tidal-waved over cyber libraries with their raunchy, albeit grammatically inaccurate accounts of dinosaur-on-girl fun.

While these authors are busy rolling in dino-dough, is anyone else wondering (besides the creep at the back of the museum tour wondering what a brontosaurus neck would feel like between his thighs) where this apparent hard-on for the extinct came from?

Buckin' brontos

Ellen Smith, publisher at Carnal Passions, a subset of Champagne Books in Calgary, said that even though markets for the bizarre will always exist, books such as Taken by the T-Rex or In the Velociraptor's Nest are "going to peter out pretty fast."

"These are not books that most legitimate publishers will publish," Smith said. "Huge companies like Amazon can't read and check every single book with the amount going through the Kindle publishing platform."

So what happens when pages fall through the cracks? Just this past month partner publishers of Kobo Inc., the company famous for the Kobo eReader, failed to notice some rather offensive content coming through their self-publishing medium. A barrage of infuriated mothers retaliated after their children came across books with titles like Date Night with Daddy and The Teen Virgin Raped By Three Teachers At School, amongst others involving bestiality, incest and pedophilia.

Authors Branwen and Sims aren't guilty of writing daddy-daughter eBooks, but publisher Smith said their books are "basically about people having sex with animals," which is equally as distasteful.

"It's bestiality," Smith said. "There's no way to make that attractive or romantic. These authors are just doing it for the titillation factor and to make a buck. I don't know how long that's going to last."

Having not considered the bestiality aspect, a sudden thought cropped up — what would those knee-deep in dino-dung have to say about the objectification of their deeply respected subjects of study? A curious call to the Royal Tyrrell Museum in Drumheller began with a bit of awkward laughter as the topic was broached, then quickly shifted to an indignant response from their spokesperson:

"On the behalf of the entire Royal Tyrrell Museum, you can quote that we all think it's ridiculous." No further comments were available.

Far-fetched fiction

Taboos aside, even the highly offended have to wonder where the appeal to write such outlandish content stems. Daddy issues? Only children? Or is it merely a matter of shock value?

In an interview with the Huffington Post, author Branwen explained why – before her hasty admission regarding "all the money she was making" — dinosaur erotica popped into her pen.

"I think dinosaur erotica appeals to our more basic, carnal natures," Branwen said. "It's the ultimate sexual experience with an alpha male, which is something that we are all inherently wired to enjoy."

Local romance author Lawna Mackie said although creature sex isn't uncommon in erotica novels, it has to be at least somewhat feasible, even in the fictional world. Without any sort of realism, that attraction or element of understanding just won't be there.

"If you're going to write something with vampires, dragons and all the rest of it, there always has to be some type of human quality to them," Mackie said. "It can't be just a full-fledged dinosaur or prehistoric creature. I don't think I could ever write about that."

But even if Branwen and Sims had personified their dinosaur Don Juans, the young authors are still missing a crucial factor in their books: research. Sure, we're only talking about 5,000 word eBooks that have not been thoroughly edited, but whether it's boggarts in broom closets or brontos in the bedroom, using Jurassic Park as a reference guide doesn't quite cut it.

For example, picture a woman having sex with a Tyrannosaurus rex (I know, I don't want to either, but it's necessary). Weighing in at around 15,000 pounds, that's like gettin' it on with an African elephant on steroids, plus some razor-sharp claws and jaws.Emerging erotica trend features dino-dates with a Tyrannosaurus rex, which have been documented to weigh in at around 15,000 pounds. Hot or just plain ridiculous?

Illustration by Anna Brooks

Right, that's a little gory. What about woman-on-bird antics? In Taken by the Pterodactyl, women mount dinosaurs with wings the size of a small airplane (you know what they say about big wings...). For fear of offending any more paleontologists, we won't even touch on the fact that velociraptors were only about the size of a 30 pound bird, not the great, scaly fiends portrayed in the authors' books.

Perhaps these are a few of the reasons why the majority of readers questioned on dinosaur erotica answered: "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

That being said, one brazen girl admitted (while demanding anonymity, go figure): "Yes, I would read it for pleasure. It's basically like vampire books but way better because we know dinosaurs actually existed."

For next time

If Branwen and Sims somehow manage to pencil their way into the Cretaceous period — which, after dropping 32 spots on Amazon's author rank, they might not – publisher Smith suggested they put more time into "plot development, grammar and writing mechanics."

"As a publisher, we want to publish books we're proud of putting out there, that we're proud of having our name on," Smith said. "These girls are getting their 15 minutes of fame and that's great, but they need a more substantial plotline than 'let's do the dinosaur.'"