Thursday, January 20, 2011

First of all, thank you to everyone for your encouraging and kind words on my last post. I'm so blessed that my readers care enough to 'help' me through some of my most difficult moments. So thank you again! I appreciated it more than you know.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------On to more positive things......

Lauren and I went out dress shopping last Saturday and I have to say, she picked such a beautiful dress. She will make an amazingly, beautiful bridesmaid.

Here is her dress, however she'll be wearing a very bright purple color.

We had a great time giggling, shopping, and having lunch together. It was nice that we got to spend alone time together and really bond and talk about life, school, work, dad, family, us, me.....everything.

I haven't known her as long as I have known Kassidy, because Lauren lived with her Mom in Arizona, so quite honestly, we've only been around each other since March. We've had our struggles, but in the end they have made us stronger and more appreciative of each other.

Friday I'll be taking Miss Kassidy in to purchase her dress, so stay tuned for what her dress looks like. She has two to choose from, so I'm curious to see what she decides on. :-)

Thursday, January 13, 2011

More so over the top than I usually am. And it took until just a couple of days ago to figure out why....I'm almost hitting my year mark of never being able to have children. On 1/20 it will have been a year since my hysterectomy.

And it is still unfair.

It still makes me cry.

I'm still reminded I will never have someone call me Mommy.

There will be no one to say "can you fix this Mommy".

No one to say "that's my Mom".

And every day a little piece of me dies. And every day a lot of me finds life completely unfair. For I will grow old with LW and never understand what it feels like to have him hold my hand when our child is born or to hear him say "she looks just like you".

I'm blessed in other ways and I know this.

But being blessed doesn't mean for a tiny fraction of a moment that I can't feel sorry for some of the things that have happened in my life. That I can't waive a fist in the air and scream "this isn't fair". Because it's not fair. Nothing about it ever was fair. And for those that tell me it's fair are those that can look into their baby's eyes at night and see hope, love, happiness. I will never have that opportunity.

My babies all died. And while I never got to hold their tiny hands, or kiss their sweet little faces, each of them lived inside of me, if only for a brief period of time. Each gave me hope. And one by one they each vanished right along with my hopes and dreams for them.

I'm grateful to have Kassidy and Lauren in my life, but it's not the same. It doesn't mean that I don't love them with all that I have though. I would give them the moon if I could.

My life isn't as I expected it to be but it's beautiful in other ways. I love my girls and I love LW. And that DOES matter to me. It's the things I'm missing out on that hurt the most.

Somehow, someway I'll find the strength to move on as I always do but for now I'm going to quietly think about what could have been.

Since I don't have any other fun news to report, I'll bore you with some wedding details. I've been asked many questions about the wedding details so I thought rather than respond to every request I'll post it here.....

Honeymoon - we are going to St. Lucia and will be staying at the Grande St. Lucian.I can not tell you how badly I need this vacation. I'm beyond excited to go somewhere this amazing!

Date - we are getting married June 18th....Father's Day weekend.

Wedding Location - we are getting married outdoor under a beautiful arbor with a back drop of trees and a field of green grass not far from our home. The website does not have a picture of the arbor up yet as it is new. We were the second couple to book the arbor since it was built in August of last year.

Reception - will also be at the same place we are getting married, however it will be inside. 130 of our closest friends and family are invited. It's an italian style buffet.

Ceremony music - this I am most excited about as I just booked a steel drum! Yes a single steel drum, but it will be so beautiful!!

Flowers - our flowers are all tropical in nature....lots of oranges, yellows, purples and pinks. Not only is the flower shop doing the flowers for the ceremony but she is also doing them for the tables at the reception. I can't wait to see them!

Cake - is being done by someone I met on a local chat board. It is four tiers...one tier is lemon with lemon filling, another is chocolate with a chocolate raspberry filling, and the last two are yellow with a buttercream filling. All four tiers will have a different color ribbon the color of the wedding (lime green, orange, hot pink and purple).

Invites - are being made by a friend. They are turning out to be orange and pink with a black background. As soon as they are finished I will share. I've seen the prototype and love it! She is also making all of our table numbers, thank yous, etc.

Placecards/gift to guests - I have strugled with this, but we have opted for lollipops in the wedding colors. So we'll somehow attach the table number and the guest name to the lollipop. I can't wait to see how this turns out!

DJ - is a friend of the family and is free, so I can't wait. The song we are walking into is a secret as well as our first dance song. I'm trying to find a song for the girls to dance with their dad as a surprise to him.

Linens - our table clothes are white with napkins in the color of the wedding. Our cake table will be in orange though. :-)

Other than that, that's all I've got. I still have minor details to iron out, but the big stuff is done.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I am seriously 5 months and 13 days away from being married!!! I wish I could say it was all finalized.

I'm struggling finding ceremony music. People I have contacted just want way too much money. Sadly I may have to cave though. I can't get married to people whistling as I walk down the grassy aisle (we're getting married outside). I mean I guess I could but that's not how I roll! I once went to a wedding where that happened and it was so TACKY.

But I digress.

Other than ceremony music I have pretty much secured everything else!

I've made my final decisions on the linens. Flowers have been choosen.Cake has been decided upon.Invites are being made.Dress is on order.Photographer booked.DJ is supposidly secured. Must check with LW on this as this was his only task!Honeymoon is picked out...will be placing deposit down this week.

LW needs his tux and the girls need their dresses and we all need shoes, but the HUGE items are almost taken care of.

Now I'm hoping it all comes together nicely.

For a refresh...here is my dress......where it shows tan, I will have BRIGHT ORANGE! And of course I will not have a train.

Here is my MOH's dress....however her's will be in a bright pink color!

Lauren and Kassidy still have to pick their colors though. Kass wants to be in lime green and Lauren will be in a royal purple. We go at the end of this month to order theirs. With Kassidy growing so much I didn't want to chance ordering it too soon!

But soon it will all be over and I keep thinking what do I have to look forward to next? It's not like I'm going to have children.

So once the wedding is done I'm going to have to find something else to focus on...Kassidy isn't with us full time so I don't get to be a full time Mom. Lauren doesn't really need me because she's far too grown up. LW is always busy with basketball. So I guess now is my time to find something for me.

When I got divorced before I had to learn to live on my own again. So that took time. Then my Mom died so I spent a lot of time taking care of her prior to losing her. Then I started dating again. Then I had to learn how to be a Mom to someone else's children. Then I had to cope with knowing I could never have kids. Then I had a wedding to plan. And then...I will have to find something else to focus on.

Maybe it's time I take a class I've always wanted to take or craft more or work out more or find a hobby that consumes me when the family isn't around.

But I guess for now, I'll focus on making this wedding beautiful and making this time with the girls special. As for once we can all hopefully be...THAT happy family.