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‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Sashay, Shantay.

We begin with the conclusion of the great “YOU’RE STUPID,” “NO, YOU ARE” fight of 2013. After Jacqueline Joyce makes a comment about Brandi having just left rehab or needing rehab or maybe not needing rehab (I’m really unclear what she was trying to say here, as was Jacqueline Joyce), Brandi calls Jacqueline Joyce “disgusting,” a charge Jacqueline Joyce spits right back at her. After all, what’s more disgusting than “bullying” someone by jokingly calling them the wrong name? Brandi, exhausted and done, bursts into tears, and Yoyawnda escorts her away from the table and into a waiting car, because enough already. Honestly.

Back inside, Grandpa Ken and Yoyawnda attempt to defend Brandi, arguing that while yes, she does throw the F-bomb around entirely too much, she’s a good person with a good heart, Jacqueline Joyce and Babyman just have to take their word for it. Jacqueline Joyce and Babyman do not take their word for it. However, Jacqueline Joyce does graciously note that if “God could forgive the world for what humanity did to his son, who [is she] to not forgive Brandi for being a stupid little bitch.” A+++ analogy! You ARE just like God, Jacqueline Joyce!

And before we move on from the world’s least intellectually challenging argument, I just wanted to point out that this whole thing felt weirdly edited. From my perspective here on the couch, it felt like a one-sided fight: Jacqueline Joyce and Babyman tag-teamed Brandi, and she, backed in a corner, did what Brandi does: scream lewd suggestions for what her opponents can do to themselves. Is Brandi’s language tacky and inappropriate? I guess — but we’re all adults here, I just don’t understand all the pearl-clutching. And I agree, the comment Brandi made about having mutual friends of Jacqueline Joyce’s who secretly don’t like her was immature and unnecessary, but it wasn’t the first volley lobbed in this fight. At least how the episode was edited, it seemed Babyman and Jacqueline Joyce technically started the argument by snubbing Brandi and then pointedly discussing how much they disliked her at the table. But based on the interviews of both Lisa and Yoyawnda insisting that Brandi is a good person no matter what she says and does, Brandi must have said or done something completely indefensible. From what I saw, she simply did not. Other than using certain colorful expletives, her behavior was no worse than Babyman’s or Jacqueline Joyce’s; she was merely trying to defend herself against two people who were simultaneously screaming at her that she is a disgusting racist bully from Planet Trash. /my 2¢

So, Kingsley’s home. And within three minutes of that dog walking in her door, Kim manages to undo all the progress the trainer made over the course of a week. ALL THAT RUNNING THROUGH THE DESERT FOR NAUGHT.

KIM RICHARDS, HUMAN GIF MACHINE. bravowwhl.tumblr.com

(Dear Bravo: I know you love gifs as much as I do, but for the love of all that is holy, please stop making them so fast. It does not make them funnier and they are giving me seizures.)

In an effort to prove that despite growing up in a wannabe castle, her children are not, in fact, spoiled, Carlton, the nanny slave and her daughters clean out the backyard playhouse. The playhouse, which is the size of a Manhattan studio, is covered in black mold and spiders and I’m not sure which of these preteen girls is even going to use it anymore, bleach or no bleach. But that is not the point. The point is: Carlton! She’s a down-to-Earth-parent who makes her kids do chores just like you do!

Carlton and her husband then go to a tattoo parlor where Carlton gets a giant pentagram inscribed with her children’s names inked on the back of her neck. WON’T YOU PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO HOW EDGY AND DARK AND COOL CARLTON IS?

Kyle and Jacqueline Joyce meet up for a golf lesson, but really it’s just an excuse for the two to get together so that Jacqueline Joyce can whine about what a meanie Brandi was to her at Lisa’s dinner party. Brandi was so mean! Brandi said bad words! Brandi said they have mutual friends, but they do not! Jacqueline Joyce then outlines what she describes as Brandi’s three-step system: Step 1. Attack; Step 2. Unleash F-bombs; Step 3. Play the victim. And so what if Babyman yelled at Brandi, and so what if it felt like the Jacqueline Joyces were ganging up on Brandi who was all by herself. Maybe if Brandi wasn’t so tacky, she’d have her own Babyman to scream insults at women on her behalf. Because that’s what Brandi needs, more yelling.

Meanwhile, Yoyawnda pays a visit to Brandi to tell her to tone it down with all the cursing, it doesn’t do her any favors. “F*&# THAT NOISE,” Brandi responds. Fair enough, Brandi. Fair enough.

Elsewhere, Lisa and Grandpa Ken go Vanderantiquing for their new Vanderbar. In between pricing $4,000 cement urns and $800 mirrors, the two gently squabble over whether or not Babyman should have intervened on his wife’s behalf. Grandpa Ken is firmly in the “STAY OUT OF IT, BABYMAN” camp, while Lisa doesn’t blame a husband for defending his wife. And on the one Vanderhand, I agree with Grandpa Ken: Babyman’s involvement just heightened the crazy and made Brandi feel even more cornered. But on the other, I seem to recall Grandpa Ken getting sassy with folks once or twice in recent seasons, so.

It’s finally the day of the big charity “fashion show” at Kyle’s store, and she’s running around like a crazy fool, breaking mannequins and just otherwise freaking out. Brandi and her Amazons head over in a limo, where Brandi explains to them the history of her hate-on for Jacqueline Joyce. Brandi does not gloss over her terrible, horrible, no good, very bad racist joke, to which her African-American Amazonian friend is like, “Excuse me, you said what now?” But that ends the conversation, and Brandi does not receive the proper dressing down that she much deserves. At least not on camera.

Team Brandi arrives at the store, and Kyle shows them around including the runway that is lined with mirrors, so she hopes that Brandi is wearing panties. Brandi is, in fact, not wearing panties which is why, SPOILER ALERT, she ends up wearing pants on the runway.

Do they think they are in a pageant? Did anyone explain to them that a fashion show is not the same thing as a pageant? (bravotv.com)

Team Jacqueline Joyce arrives soon after, and bless her heart, maybe we should be having a charity fashion show for Jacqueline Joyce, seeing as she can afford only half of a top. Also notably, her friend, The Official Queen of the Universe It Says So Right On This Sash, chose to wear her official sash for some reason. So between Brandi’s lack of undergarments, Jacqueline Joyce’s lonely, cold breast and this unnecessary sash nonsense, there are just all kinds of questionable fashion choices happening. Good thing they are all here to change into something else.

Before the show, Brandi’s Amazonian friend gives Kyle’s reluctant daughters runway lessons; Brandi and Jacqueline Joyce try on even more outfits; and Kyle has a chat with the M.C. of the event, Jamie Lee Curtis, with whom she co-starred in Halloween.

RECORD SCRATCH HERE.

WAIT, WUT? Kyle was in Halloween? That Halloween? Not, like, Halloween 8, The Halloweening? Well, huh! That’ll teach me to spend more time on these people’s IMDB pages, I literally had no idea! So, Kyle chats with Jamie Lee Curtis about being on the Halloween set with her, and gets all emotional remembering this one time Jamie Lee Curtis carried a tiny Kyle back to her dressing room. Jamie Lee Curtis is like, “Yeah, I don’t remember that story, but sure, kid. Glad you have a nice memory of me to hang on to all these years later.”

Then everyone else arrives, Lisa and Carlton and Mauricio and Kim; and Jamie Lee Curtis takes the microphone and talks about yogurt how great Kyle and Mauricio are and how they just gave a whole pile of money to the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles, hooray; and then everyone stomps up and down the runway and nobody falls down; and contrary to what the title of the episode might suggest, nobody pulls out anyone else’s weave; and everyone does fine, I guess, but what I am saying is that they are no Ramona.

GIVING CRAZYEYED REALNESS. MARCH 11, YOU GUYS. COUNTING DOWN NOW.(realitytvgifs.tumblr.com)

Finally, Jacqueline Joyce and Lisa meet at PINK HOUSE to talk things over, just the two of them. No Babyman, no Brandi, no Grandpa Ken or Yoyawnda, just them and the suitcase maid and some tea. There, Jacqueline Joyce reiterates her constant, incessant, we get it already complaint: Brandi is terrible but no one does anything about it, they just make excuses for her. Lisa Vandersplains that, Brandi is kinda going through a lot right now, and Jacqueline Joyce is all: SEE? THAT IS AN EXCUSE. Lisa tries to explain that while she agrees Brandi’s behavior can be inappropriate, she didn’t see the Vanderpoint in chastising Brandi at the dinner party. ¿Qué is this palabra “chastise?” Jacqueline Joyce asks, and Lisa tries to explain that it means to “tell off” or “reprimand,” but Jacqueline Joyce doesn’t have any idea what any of these words mean either. EL SIGH. This is proving to be a long season. Where’s the Pinot Ramona when you need it?

Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate..