The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Tag Archives: parody

The Baudelaires remain on the island for a year as they raise baby Beatrice. By this time, they’ve just read their parents’ last entry of them being kicked off the island and that their mom’s pregnant. If the baby was a girl, she intended to name her Violet. If it was a boy, she as going to name him Lemony. Thank God, Violet turned out to be a girl or she would’ve been saddled with the name of her mom’s ex who was presumed dead at the time. Then again, I think the Baudelaire parents named their son Klaus two years later was either because they knew Lemony was alive at the time or that it was Bertrand’s turn and didn’t want to saddle a name like Lemony on a kid. Also, that their dad built a boat they named after her. Anyway, Violet decides that despite all the treachery in the world, it’s time to get off the island and back to the mainland. And since a flood is due on the coastal shelf, they don’t have long. Violet patches up the boat and takes off the sign with “Count Olaf” on it revealing it to be the very boat the Baudelaire parents set sail on. They decide to leave the chronicle behind on the island since it might be useful to future castaways who come along. And as soon as the Baudelaires and baby Beatrice get on the boat, the little baby says her own name which is the boat’s name, Mrs. Baudelaire’s, and the name of whom Lemony dedicates each book to. Though Lemony Snicket doesn’t exactly know what happened to the Baudelaires after that, earlier books and The Beatrice Letters strongly imply that all three survived and are now adults (though Beatrice is about 10 when she wrote her letters to her Uncle Lemony, meaning that Sunny would’ve been at least 12 years old at the time.)

Thus, I end the series with Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young’s “Southern Cross” which is about a man sailing the Pacific after a failed love affair. Though he admires the sea’s beauty, music is his final consolation. The last lyric is filled with the sad irony that he’s trying to convince himself that he’ll eventually forget about his lover. But he knows that this will never happen any more than he can forget the beauty of the Southern Cross. In this version, I have the Baudelaires discuss leaving the island and taking baby Beatrice in tow.

“Southern Cross” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Get on our boat, it is time, to depart from the island
To sail a reach before a following sea
Decision Day’s coming in with the high tide
To wash us up on the Briny Beach

Our dad built this boat for their island departure
Named it after our mom as Ishmael drove them away
How the hell would Mom know a Lemony?
Though we somehow we realize why they kept some things at bay

Think about
Think about how many times we have fallen
World’s full of treachery, but we can’t hide out
What Heaven brought us right here cannot be forgotten

Around the way (We have been around the way)
Lookin’ (lookin’ for a peaceful place)
Where we’re left alone (we know it’s quite secure)
And we know it will

Klaus:
When you see the Southern Cross for the first time
You understand now why you came this way
‘Cause the truth you might be runnin’ from is so small
But it’s as big as the promise, the promise of a comin’ day

So we’re sailing for the mainland our dreams are a-dyin’
There are questions still unanswered to (and unanswered they remain)
So I’m sailing for tomorrow my dreams are a-dyin’
We have our ship and all her flags are a-flyin’
She is all that we left and Beatrice is her name

Think about
Think about how many times we have fallen
World’s full of treachery, but we can’t hide out
What Heaven brought us right here cannot be forgotten

Around the way (We have been around the way)
Lookin’ (lookin’ for a peaceful place)
Where we’re left alone (we know it’s quite secure)
And we know it will
And we know it will

So we cheated and we lied and we bested
And we never failed to fail it was the easiest thing to do
We will survive being tested
We’ll make a life, we’ll raise Beatrice, and find our friends when we all could
At the southern cross

The Baudelaires don’t have much time to mourn for Kit Snicket and their archenemy Count Olaf who they bury and whose graves they bestow wildflowers on. Because they have a baby Beatrice to raise. Through the next year, Violet invents baby equipment, Klaus researches baby care and makes note on Beatrice’s development, and Sunny uses wild sheep to make food and milk for her. They also cultivate bitter apple trees to keep the island protected as well as add to the island’s chronicle.

As for songs, I selected “Dear Theodosia” from Hamilton where both Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr promise their newborn children that they’ll be around for them and be the fathers they never had. What’s heartwarming is that both men live up to their promise. But unfortunately Theodosia Burr and Philip Hamilton would die before their parents would. Theodosia and her husband would be lost on a journey to the Caribbean. Philip would be killed in a duel at 19. In this version, the Baudelaires promise their new charge that they’ll raise her and take care of her like the guardians they never had.

“Dear Baby Beatrice”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire.

Violet:
Dear Baby Beatrice, what to say to you?
You have Kit’s eyes. You have our mother’s name
When you came into the world, you cried and it broke my heart

We’re dedicating every day to you
Domestic life was never quite our style
When you smile, you knock me out, I fall apart
And I thought I was so smart

We will come of age while we raise you
We’ll bleed and fight for you, we’ll make it right for you
If we lay a strong enough foundation
We’ll pass it on to you, we’ll give the world to you
And you’ll blow us all away…

Someday, someday
Yeah, you’ll blow us all away
Someday, someday

Klaus:
Oh Beatrice, when you smile I am undone
Our girl
Look at our girl
Pride is not the word I’m looking for
There is so much more inside me now
Oh Beatrice, you outshine the morning sun
Our girl
When you smile, I fall apart
And I thought I was so smart
Our parents are not around

Violet:
Your parents are not around

Klaus:
We swear that

Both:
We’ll be around for you

Klaus:
We’ll do whatever it takes

Violet:
We’ll make a million mistakes

Both:
We’ll make the world safe and sound for you…

… We will come of age while we raise you
We’ll bleed and fight for you, we’ll make it right for you
If we lay a strong enough foundation
We’ll pass it on to you, we’ll give the world to you
And you’ll blow us all away…

Shortly after Count Olaf dies, Kit gives birth to a baby girl. But because the horseradish apples may not be safe for babies in utero, she quickly succumbs to the Medusoid Mycelium poisoning. Despite the fact that her daughter was already on her way out of the birth canal so the potential for harm is minimal. But Kit’s not taking any chances. Nonetheless, while the birth of a baby is a happy occasion, the moment is very sad. The Baudelaires name her after their mom, Beatrice as Kit had requested and take her in. Still, Beatrice’s entry into the world is a very tragic one. Her mother died giving birth to her. Her father was harpooned before she was born. But fortunately, she won’t have a horrible childhood since the Baudelaires raise her s one of their family.

For Kit’s death, I went with “Lament” from Evita in which Eva Peron is in the death throws as she loses her battle with cervical cancer at the age of 33 as she looks back in her life and wishes she could more time to live. In this version, I have Kit dying of the Medusoid Mycelium and giving her last requests to the Baudelaires, particularly on her daughter, Beatrice.

“Kit’s Death”

Sung by Kit Snicket

Kit:
The choice was mine, and mine completely
I could have any prize that I desired
I could burn with the splendor of the brightest fire
Or else,
Or else I could choose… time.
Remember, your folks were our good friends
Take my daughter, raise her all your days
Tell her about me and my Dewey
I see the lights and now I’m on my way.
And how I lived!
How they shine!
But how soon the lights are gone…

The choice was mine, and no one else’s.
I could save the world in V.F.D.
Give my life to the people I might never meet.
Or else…
To children of my own.
Remember, I was close to your folks
Your mom almost became my brother’s bride.
But a frame up made her dump him for your dear old dad.
Well, such things could not be rectified.
Oh my daughter!
Oh my girl!
Understand what I have done…

Violet:
The choice was yours and no one else’s.
You can cry for a body in despair.
Hang your head because she has her daughter here
And so, Beatrice shall be her name.

Klaus:
But now
But now we are all mournful
We will be orphan kids now forevermore
As the stars won’t allow our folks to grow old…
But we, we will tell them all…

Violet and Klaus:
Eyes, hair, face, body…
We must dig two graves.
Both be buried forever.
No less than they deserved.

After carrying Kit Snicket in the only good deed he’d ever do in his life, Count Olaf kisses her as he lays her down on the sand before he collapses beside her. Because while he’s cured of the Medusoid Mycelium, he’s still profusely bleeding from a harpoon wound thanks to Ishmael. Kit reaches out and tenderly touches his ankle as she recites a poem “The Night Has a Thousand Eyes” while Olaf answers it with the last stanza of “This Be the Verse” before biting the dust with a “HA!” A poignant end to one of the most iconic villains in literature. It’s heavily hinted that the two may have had a relationship in the past, but I’m sure Kit dumped Olaf at some point because well, do I really need to get into that? Because he’s a bastard. I’m sure this leads the Baudelaires stunned out of their minds since they’ve never seen Count Olaf like this before. However, he has realized that he has nothing left to live for since he’s lost all his henchmen, his parents, his girlfriend, and his true love. All his plans are ruined. And he has no chance of obtaining the Baudelaire fortune or anyone else’s, which has made him too depressed to go on living for a time. And what’s interesting is despite everything Count Olaf did to them, the Baudelaires would sometimes visit his grave during their time on the island.

The song I went with is “On this Night of a Thousand Stars” from Evita, which introduces Augustin Magaldi who took Eva Duarte to Buenos Aires as far as the musical is concerned. Despite that this incident never happened in real life because they never met. In real life, Eva got into Buenos Aires through family members since the city offered the promise of a better life. She didn’t bet on winning the lottery like meeting an ambitious army colonel named Juan Peron and becoming the First Lady of Argentina. In this version, Kit and Count Olaf recite poetry to one another as the Baudelaires look stunned while helping Kit give birth.

“The Night Has a Thousand Eyes”

Lemony Snicket:
Now Count Olaf had nothing left to live for
His past methods and tactics don’t work
No henchmen, no cash
No girlfriend, no true love
No chance of obtaining a fortune
At the age of fifty

Now dying from a harpoon wound
The dreaded Count Olaf
Carried my sister to from the shore
His only good deed

Kit Snicket:
The night has a thousand eyes
And the day but only one
Yet the light of the bright world dies
Dies with the dying sun

The mind has a thousand eyes
And the heart but only one
Yet the heart of the whole life
Dies when love is done

Violet:
I never dreamed that Count Olaf could be as kind as this
But now I know that he can

Klaus:
He was always there putting us through nightmares
Now he’s a shell of that man
Now all my hate disappeared and all my troubling fears
Isn’t there anymore
On this terrible day when he seems slipping away
To no more
On this night
On this night

Count Olaf:
Man hands on misery to man.
Deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can.
Don’t have kids yourself.

Desperate to get Kit Snicket off the coast, the Baudelaires do the unthinkable. They scramble for Count Olaf since he’s the only person who could. They don’t care if he’s evil and dying. They even offer him an apple to cure himself. But he turns it down since he wants the Baudelaire fortune which is out of reach at this point. They even confront him about the fire that burned down their house and killed their parents, which he denies ever starting. As the children pester him, Count Olaf is determined to do nothing. Until they tell them it’s Kit who needs help, compelling him to grab an apple and carry Kit off to a safer location before kissing her.

The song I chose is Evita’s “Waltz for Eva and Che” in which Che makes a few remarks to Eva on how she’s enabling her husband’s dictatorial impulses and how she doesn’t stand for anything. In turn, Eva reveals that she’s not very ashamed of what she’s doing and is dying of cervical cancer. In this version, the Baudelaires beg Count Olaf to help Kit Snicket as he’s dying of a harpoon wound in the chest.

“Waltz for Count Olaf”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire and Count Olaf

Violet:
Help us before you waltz out of our lives
Before turning your back on the past
Forgive my impertinent behavior
We need to get Kit down from her towering bookstack

Klaus:
Tell us before you fade into the sunset
There’s one thing I never got clear
How did you feel when you started that fire,
That burned up our parents and our mansion?
Not to mention, ruining our lives?

Count Olaf:
Tell me before I get onto my bus
Before joining the forgotten brigade
How can one person like me, say,
Alter the time-honored way the game is played?
Tell me before I get onto my white horse
Just what you expect me to do
I don’t care what you Baudelaires say
I just want your family jewels
So I can get that fancy new sports car
Which I can use to run over you

Violet, Klaus, and Count Olaf:
There is evil, ever around
Fundamental within society
Quite incidental

Count Olaf:
So what are my chances of honest advances?
I’d say low

Violet:
Your scheming means nothing right now
We don’t care if you’re evil

Klaus:
Help us before you seek much farther pastures
Kit Snicket’s in labor as we speak
How can you be so short-sighted
To look never further than this week or next week
To have such impossible dreams?

Count Olaf:
Orphans, you don’t know about anything else
You’re still the same brats since we met
You think you can triumph in this life
With a keen mind, stack of books, or good meals
You’re just like your parents, Bertrand and Beatrice
Naïve folk, who perished in their mansion fire

Violet, Klaus, and Count Olaf:
There is evil, ever around
Fundamental within society
Quite incidental

Count Olaf:
Since Kit is in danger, I’ll help her if I’m able
For her sake

Kit:
Does one kind act will make me forgive you?
Spite years of pain?
That is insane!

Count Olaf:
Oh, what I’d give for a hundred years
But the physical interferes
A harpoon here, Kit, let me kiss you
What is the good of the strongest heart
In a body that’s falling apart?
A serious flaw, I hope You know that

Fortunately, the Baudelaires cure themselves of the Medusoid Mycelium just in time. But unfortunately, when Violet uses the periscope to check on the flooding situation in order to rescue Kit Snicket, she discovers the islanders getting the outrigger ready and preparing to leave. So they quickly gather apples and bring them to the coastal shelf. The Baudelaires try to convince to take the apples and cure themselves, but since they’re doped up on coconut cordial, see them as the ones who got them into this situation, and head by Ishmael’s every word, they don’t listen. And did I say Ishmael isn’t as much affected than the other colonists since he had already eaten the apples? Not to mention, he grabs the apple stockpot and throws them into the water as well as a refuses to have them onboard. Because apparently, they’ll be en route to a horseradish factory on Lousy Lane. But not before the kids sneak an apple onboard for Friday so they don’t want her to die. So Ishmael basically bullies his followers into leaving to the sea and most likely to their deaths. So yeah, Ishmael committed genocide. Though briefly torn, the Baudelaires decide to stay with Kit and help her have her baby. She tells them about what happened to the Quagmires, Hector, and Captain Widdershins with his stepchildren which constitutes both aircraft and seacraft crashing into each other and being swallowed by the Great Unknown. The kids tell her that Dewey is dead and realizing she needs rescued, go and fetch Count Olaf.

The song I went with is the downcast “Work Song” from Les Miserables where Jean Valjean is released from prison on parole, endures the stigma being an ex-con, and visits the bishop before stealing his silverware. In this version, I cover the islanders departure to Kit filling the Baudelaires about their friends. She even said that before her disappearance Fiona was desperate to reach Klaus and wanted to forgive her as well, which I omitted. Though I think Klaus already had by this point though he’s still broken hearted about the whole thing.

“Departure Song”

Islanders:
Look down, look down
Don’t look ’em in the eye
Look down, look down,
We leave before we die

Finn:
The sun is strong
It’s hot as hell ashore

Islanders:
Look down, look down,
We must leave fast for cure

Fletcher:
Let’s move along!
We don’t have much time here.

Islanders:
Look down, look down,
Ishmael will force us there.

Violet:
Hold on, please wait,
We’ve got a cure for you!

Ishmael:
Look down, look down,
They’re all lying to you

Klaus:
For Christ please, just please eat these
You’ll be fine!

Ishmael:
Look down, look down
Don’t look ’em in the eye

Bligh:
How long, oh Lord
Before you let me die?

Islanders:
Look down, look down,
Let’s get in this wood boat
Look down, look down,
Get in before we croak

Klaus:
You have no clue on the Medusoid Mycelium
It takes an hour
Until it chokes you done
You know what that means.

Friday:
Yes, it means we die.

Klaus:
Yes!
It means you’re dead
When you reach the factory
Your time is brief

Ishmael:
Don’t listen to these kids.

Violet:
You won’t make it.

Klaus:
Take this apple, Friday.

Miranda:
Stay away from them for God’s sake
Don’t even trust them

Ishmael:
Go get on the boat
We do not have another moment left.

Violet:
Those shrooms were here before we were born
Our folks made these plants

Klaus:
You know that as well as I
You eat while your people die
Can’t you listen to us now?

Ishmael:
You rocked it, Baudelaires

Violet:
You killed them, Ishmael
Do not forget your crime!
Do not forget that!
It’s called genocide

Islanders:
Look down, look down,
Let’s get in this wood boat
Look down, look down,
Get in before we croak

Klaus:
We must stay here. We must help Kit
She’s on the coast. She’ll soon give birth.
So she needs us
She’ll be in labor

Violet:
Ishmael drugs and bullies them away.
The won’t survive, no way.
Inky gave one
Will it save them?
It’s such a pity – every one.
The islanders
Will die at sea.
Water’s coming
We must now flee!

Kit:
My water broke
I can’t take an apple
Sorry that I took you three kids
To Hotel Denouement

I should’ve taken you three
To see the Quagmires
Duncan and Isadora
Now know Quigley’s fine

Fernald and Fiona
Reunited with their stepdad
There was a large sea crash
Sub crashed into zeppelin

I made a massive quick book raft
And made it out of there though on my own
But everyone else who was there
Were later swallowed
By what’s called The Great Unknown
Hope Dewey can forgive me
The next time he sees me

Violet:
Dewey is dead
Disemboweled by a harpoon
We’re feeling sort of guilty
We didn’t tell you as soon

Klaus:
It was an accident
He fell in a pond
We also helped Count Olaf
Burn up the whole hotel

Violet:
We’re sorry, Kit
That we’ve done so much wrong
Now let us push your raft of books
Back to the shore.

Kit:
Now you three kids stop that please
I’ve got nothing to live for you see
They’re dead and gone

One brother missing another killed
While my true love Dewey Denouement
Is dead and gone!
I will die
Ring’s yours to keep
Take care of my baby.

But remember this you children,
I will die soon after the birth
Name this kid after one parent
Depending if it’s a boy or girl

Violet:
Well, we got the raft within shore
But we can’t get you down or off
I don’t have time for a contraption
So it seems we must ask Count Olaf.

Klaus:
Are you raving mad?
You know that’s just insane
You know the hell he’s caused
Since the whole thing began

Violet:
There’s nobody else right now
For everyone has left
So we’ve just got Count Olaf
We got to find him now
We got to get Kit out
A flood is coming round
And we can’t really help
So we must go see him
We must persist
Till he gives in

Now that Ishmael has infected everyone with the deadly Medusoid Mycelium, the Baudelaires see no choice but to return to the arboretum. Not to mention, Count Olaf blames Ishmael for causing all their deaths along with the children. But everyone’s pointing fingers. Thanks to their experience with Sunny’s infection during The Grim Grotto, they have a good idea that horseradish and wasabi can cure it. But where to find it? They’re not so sure since there’s none to be found in the kitchen. So they frantically look in the Captain’s log which is aptly called A Series of Unfortunate Events since they’re running out of time. Then Klaus spots a reference to horseradish in an entry by their father: “‘We’re attempting a botanical hybrid through the tuberous canopy, which should bring safety to fruition despite its dangers to our associates in utero. Of course, in case we are banished, Beatrice is hiding a small amount in a vess-’” Apparently, they concealed the horseradish in another plant. But then Inky slithers down offering the kids the lifesaving apple they need.

The song I decided for this scene is the Eric Clapton version of Bob Marley’s “I Shot the Sheriff” recounting a guy shooting a corrupt local sheriff for bothering him over growing marijuana. To be fair, it was in self-defense since the sheriff tried to shoot him. But the authorities really don’t see it that way and then book him for shooting a deputy. In this version, I have the Baudelaires scramble for a cure for the Medusoid Mycelium at the arboretum.

“Ish Shot Count Olaf”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Klaus:
Ish shot Count Olaf, but he also shot the shattered glass.
Ish shot Count Olaf, but he also shot the shattered glass.

Medusoid spread on the island
Poisoning everyone at hand.
Everyone’s all pointing their fingers
Instead of trying to find remedy
Instead of trying to find remedy
We say:

Violet:
Ish shot Count Olaf, we must go to the arboretum
Ish shot Count Olaf, if we don’t, we will all be surely done

Let us not get very panicky;
Cordials won’t work now.
A horseradish cure is what we need
Better we get out and find a cure
Better we get out and find a cure
We say:

Ish shot Count Olaf, we must go to the arboretum
Ish shot Count Olaf, we must go to the arboretum

Kitchen has spices our way
Horseradish, is not found.
Surely there must be horseradish around
Wonder what our folks had round.
Where can our, our cure be found?
We say:

Klaus:
Ish shot Count Olaf, but he also shot the shattered glass.
Ish shot Count Olaf, but he also shot the shattered glass.

Folks tried some botanic hybrid
Through a tuber canopy.
Said it’s not safe for those in utero.
It’s blended into some other plant.
Yes, it’s blended in some other plant.
But we say: