You might have gathered that we are conflicted about parenting. Whatever our awe-inspiring productivity might suggest bloggers are not cyborgs of snark; we are humans, who were parented once, and who occasionally eat peanut butter straight from the jar, just like you would if you had a job that never actually required you to wear anything higher-end than Bitten By Sarah Jessica Parker. Anyhow, central to our conflict is whether to accept the whole "Moms—they're just like US!" theory they keep foisting upon us like a stroller in a crowded block of midtown when we're ten minutes late to an interview, or to consider them an alien species, as our own moms are. Each day, we will devote this space to examining motherhood, and whether it truly is compatible with regular human existence.

Today's obligatory mommy story, courtesy USA Today, examines the life of Oregon graphic designer we can thank for coining the phrase "Alpha Mom," who happens to be starting a digital on-demand TV channel called Alpha Mom TV. Typical quote:

"I am a complex woman who is unloading a lot of emotional baggage on her motherhood journey," is how Kallman responded in her blog to that article.

More baggage — not just ours this time! — after the jump.

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The piece, which by the way is like the longest in the history of USA Today starts with a section on why Alpha Moms are "trendsetters," noting they:

-have money to spend
-influence others' buying decisions ("ignites markets" is the puke-inducing term coined by high-low guru Michael Silverstein. Aren't you glad I read marketing books so you don't have to?)
-they're online an average of 87 minutes away
-they play Nintendo Wii

(none of which really hit home with us).

Then it develops into a profile of Constance Van Flandern, an artist and graphic designer who developed the term "Alpha Mom" because a client of hers, Isabel Kallman, wanted to start a digital cable channel and she "couldn't get behind Mommy Channel."

Kallman was later profiled in New York Magazine in a piece in which she called parenthood "the hardest job I ever tackled" and described her ideal audience member as ""you know, the maven of mommyhood, the leader of the pack."

Then the story turns into an orgy of corporate brandspeak (Nintendo! Cadillac! Swiffer! Sprint!) at which point the only paragraph we could make out read:

She told Cadillac how much she loves the Escalade she bought two years ago, and, for no fee, apeared in a video now on Cadillac's website McPeak says she likes the SUV because it's efficient for hauling volleyballs, groceries or family.