The best lines from John McAfee’s weird, unsettling blog

In May of this year, John McAfee was arrested by an anti-gang task force on weapons charges. A few days ago, McAfee became a wanted man, in Belize, for questioning in relation to the murder of his neighbor, Gregory Faull. If this all seems a little crazy considering this was the man behind a the biggest name in antivirus software, that’s because he’s a little crazy, at least if McAfee’s personal blog is any indication. There’s some bizarre stuff on there, and we’ve culled the craziest bits.

At the time of this writing, the two most recent posts on the blog that greet visitors are not only odd, but extremely unsettling. The second-most recent post, entitled “If I am captured,” is a succinct proclamation from McAfee himself detailing how, if he is indeed captured, the blog will go on and the blog’s administrator will keep the rolling with around a year’s worth of McAfee’s pre-written material.

In the most recent post, entitled “Love and deception,” McAfee wrote that he has no interest in being loved, but rather is focused on loving, and that women use him for his money. He notes that when he became intimate with his current love interest, Sam, he told her that he doesn’t expect her to love him, and though she tells him she does multiple times a day, there’s no way for him to believe it. It reads a little bit like a stereotypical LiveJournal. The juxtaposition of these two posts, going from discussing his own capture to not being able to trust love, posted on the same date of November 19, is highly erratic at the very least.

In the third most recent post, also from November 19, McAfee discussed what it’s like to be on the lam, and how he needs to not only evade authorities, but conduct his own investigation into his neighbor’s murder. He wrote at length about his new disguise: “I darkened and browned my front teeth. I stuffed a shaved down tampon deep into my right nostril and died the tip dark brown — giving my nose an awkward, lopsided, disgusting appearance.” In order to remain out in the open, McAfee states he assumed the role of a local vendor, peddling carved wooden trinkets or tamales to tourists.

He claims he watched the police dig up his four dogs that had been poisoned and buried. Then, supposedly, the police “cut off the heads and re-buried the bodies,” which McAfee found “curious.”

On the blog, McAfee paints himself out to be some kind of hero, evading law enforcement at every turn, with his friends altruistically telling him things like “Where you go, I go,” and his lover grabbing him and passionately kissing him in public so as to avoid detection, just like a scene from a movie. In the span of two blog posts, he states he lives with a 17-year-old girl named Amy, and the two of them don’t wear clothes in his house, then notes he is in love with, and implies he is in a relationship with a 20-year-old girl named Sam.

Regardless of his innocence or guilt, the blog is a fascinating read, and doesn’t require much backstory, though he provides it. For the uninvolved reader, perhaps the best part of the blog are some of the quotes that appear throughout the writing. We pulled them out and felt listing them here would make for an accurate snapshot of McAfee’s descent into blogging madness.

Quotes

“I could care less about who sleeps with whom, or where, or how — as long as it’s not in my own bed while I’m trying to sleep. Well, to be honest, not even in the same room while I’m trying to sleep. Barring that, nothing could concern me less.”

“She is acutely aware of her surroundings and is as street smart as a sober hobo.”

“I adjusted my posture so that I appeared a good six inches shorter than my actual height and slowly walked up and down the beach with a pronounced limp, pushing an old single speed bicycle and peddling my wares to tourists and reporters using a broken English with a heavy Spanish accent.”

“Then I watched the police dig up my four dogs that had been poisoned and buried. They cut off the heads and re-buried the bodies. I found this curious.”

“Perhaps the bags contained their lunch and they ate while searching. Perhaps not.”

“No-one at the house, including the staff, know that I am nearby. If the police are reading this, do not randomly round up everyone for harboring a fugitive. Please.”

“Parents here ‘promote’ attractive daughters to men with money constantly. It helps the families through ‘trickle down’.”

“Many have commented that these women were only with me because of my money – a fact that I have to agree with.”

If you ever watch Family Guy — stay with me for a minute — there’s an episode where Stewie takes control of his older brother Chris through some sci-fi machination. Whatever Stewie says — usually eloquent — is translated through Chris’ rough, teenage dialect. So, whatever comes out of Chris’ mouth ends up being a sophisticated idea said in an unsophisticated way. This is how it feels to read John McAfee’s blog. The ideas are crazy, but the actual writing is normal. It’s a surreal read, and if you want to curl up under a blanket and spook yourself out a little bit, you should give it a go.