SHOUT me a beer. Good on ya, mate.

10 App Ideas GUARANTEED to Make You $1 million (And I Only Want a 90% Commission)

Here are 10 sure-fire, rock-solid, can’t-miss, take-it-to-the-bank App ideas to make you at least $1 million within 60 seconds of you actually inventing them.

So off you go.

1. BACON-LOCATOR — The App that locates where crisp, wonderful, greazy, nom-nom bacon is being served RIGHT NOW. This will be HUGE in New Zealand, where they serve the lamest, most under-cooked “Canadian Bacon” you ever saw. (I personally will pay $100,000 for this App, less my 90% commission.)

2. DOUCHE-CANOE ALERT! — Woop! Woop! Woop! Loud alert warns of proximity to total douches. Comes pre-set with your own personal biases but can be customized for an additional fee. (Note: universal douche canoes like Donald Trump are hardwired in. Just because.)

6. REMEMBERIZER — Just key in the things you want to be reminded about and your iPhone or Samsung Galaxy S3 will never let you forget anything again. (REMEMBERIZER for men comes with 900 billion trillion gazillion megs of memory. REMEMBERIZER for women comes with 64k, which is WAY more than necessary.)

7. HEAD-EDIT — Remember when you farted in 7th grade Geography class and, for the rest of your school life you were called “Butt-Fart-Head”? Or when you finally had a chance with the boy or girl of your dreams and you TOTALLY FAILED. Head-Edit lets your smart phone replace every bad memory with a great one. (Yes, we know crack does the same thing, but this App is only 99 cents).

9. OFF-O-LATOR — The ultimate App for the harried business person. Through sophisticated electronics, this APP turns off all phones, laptops and other electronics. (Perfect for people who are too stressed to find the “off” button and do not have a brick handy.)