Ruining Big Brother 18 – July 29th

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One is the television show Big Brother, as the CBS producers present it to broadcast tv audiences, three times per week. But the other is what is actually going on in the Big Brother house; the experience of the house guests, unfiltered — or at least less filtered — by television editors.

July 29th was a beautiful day in the Big Brother house because America’s care package was delivered. Bridgette and Paulie are on the block because she’s “goin home” and he’s got an indestructible bro type-thing happening. If these houseguests get their heads out of their buttholes they’ll vote him out but the signs aren’t pointing in that direction right now. We’re in a wait-and-see transitional stage until somebody with balls and a mind of her own gets HOH.

Opening America’s Care Package

On the fun side, Natalie got the first care package from America! She’s super cute and grateful about it. At one point afterward she whispers to Zakiyah, “Do you think people will get mad?” meaning peeps in the house. It’s an insightful question, actually and terrifically accurate because they do get progressively more envious as the day proceeds. But at the time Zak just shrugs it off with, oh no, they’ll be happy for you, just like I am. Unfortunately, she couldn’t be more wrong.

Twin blowhards takin’ charge

Hamster wheels in the BB house DO indeed exist but they’re hidden in the recesses of the houseguests’ grey matter. Big Brother players aren’t even aware of it but their unconscious spin cycles are in overdrive, brains churning and emotions whirring. We know this because even the nicest people act like raging dickwads in the BB house and they don’t even seem to know they’re doing it or why. It’s not something we can really judge too harshly as outsiders. After all, these are human beings living out a social experiment as a game while the world watches. Humans can’t help themselves remains the overarching lesson of Big Brother. Lucky for us, we get entertainment with no consequences. And really, since they’re only famous for about fifteen minutes in the grand scheme of life, it’s of little consequence to the houseguests either. Other than that they had the one super rad summer living it up on national TV and probably double or triple their Twitter followers. It’s literally all fun and games with Big Brother. Let’s keep that in mind.

Natalie = America’s Sweetheart

Still, yes, the shit-talking about Natalie amped up over the course of July 29th after she opened her care package and was super grateful and happy. Because Natalie maintains “a clean side of the street” lifestyle and doesn’t really do much of anything worthy of slamming, the houseguests attack her appearance. Of course, Natalie is a lovely sunflower in the way she looks too… so, they have to dig deep and say she’s got “fake tits,” a pretty low blow in our opinion. Why does it matter if they’re real or not? They’re spectacular either way. Just like Natalie herself. It’s her body and her business. Shut it, bros.

Then Paulie took us on a time-traveling journey with his comment about Natalie, carrying us back to the days of yore when women were “kept down” by men and everybody was just “happier”. You know, the fifties. At one point Paulie tells Paul Natalie should go up on the block, “especially after the way she acted with the care package. Like, dude, you need to humble your girl” talking about James.. He also said “everybody hates Natalie” which couldn’t be more off the mark. But the part that really sticks in our craw is the “humble your girl,” and if we had any emotions left in our jaded, fossilized old souls there might even be some anger up in here.

That’s why we’ve decided to share something we’ve been thinking about Paulie lately. He reminds us so much of Stinky Pete from Toy Story 2 these days. Cranky, bearded, full of opinions, and… stinky as fuck. Do you remember when Paulie was the sweet sexy one? That was before he was locked into a Japanese businessman’s display case to never get played with or appreciated, just like bitter old Stinky Pete. “Let him out!” we beg of you. Let our sweet, shaven Paulie out of the box.