Monday, October 23, 2006

The Post Mortem

Apologies for the tardiness of the Post Mortem; spent the weekend celebrating with the surviving members of the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers who uncorked many bottles of champagne as the last winless team finally won. The Cardinals would be making a push to be the first-ever 0-16 team if they had not won the season-opener against San Francisco. What a horrible, horrible team the Cardinals are.

So it figures that the Raiders would beat them.

But give the Raiders credit for finding a team that is bad as they are. And yes, there are certain sects of Raiders fans who are now planning to make it down to the Super Bowl because the Raiders are back baby. Nobody beats the Raiders six times in a row. Nobody!

Congratulations Raiders. But nobody is going to be impressed until you beat, you know, an actual NFL team.

CHEATERS

What's with all the cheating?

Sunday was a day for cheating as the Tigers Kenny Rogers and the Chargers Shawne Merriman were involved in cheating scandals. Rogers was beaten up on sports radio today (in particular Dan Patrick’s radio show) for allegedly having pine tar on his palm. Yeah, what a moral outrage. But what do you expect Tony LaRussa to do? He turned his back when Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco were injecting each other with steroids when he was the manager of the A’s. You think he is going to make any noise when Rodgers is using a little bit of pine tar? If anybody is going to be cool with a little cheating, it has to be LaRussa. He did the right thing. If he raised a fuss, Jim Leyland could have ran out of the dugout and demanded Albert Pujols to submit a urine sample.

Did anybody note that the controversy occurred in the first inning and Rogers still pitched seven scoreless after he washed his hands?

Merriman’s situation is disturbing. Remember, this is Merriman’s second failed drug test. Players do not receive a four-game suspension until you fail a drug test for a second time. Needless to say, if Merriman had gone to the Giants, Tiki Barber would have found a way for him to circumvent the NFL’s drug test. The most surprising thing is that a 270-pound guy can’t naturally run a 4.2 40-yard dash. Yeah, that is shocking. Really, why is everybody surprised by this? But leave it to the Chargers to get their best guy suspended while the entire league is juicing. Well, except for Randy Moss, of course.

The Chargers are 0-9 in games decided by four points over less over the past two seasons. That’s a bang-up job that Marty Schottenheimer is doing in San Diego. Art Shell is a horrible coach, but at least he isn’t squandering the career of LaDainian Tomlinson. Is is almost criminal.

Donovan McNabb is a loser. Seriously. Who else but McNabb and the Eagles would lose to a team on a 62-yard field goal? Alright, other than the Mannings? It would be McNabb. They always talk about people being snake-bit, but you create your own luck. Like when you are golfing and you always seem to be stuck behind a tree. You think that you are the victim of bad luck. But in actuality you are just a bad golfer. Same deal with McNabb here. Three losses in the NFC Championship Game, a loss in the Super Bowl and now this. McNabb puts up good numbers and the Eagles win games, but he is not the ultimate winner.

Props to the guys at the Wynn who started a B-U-C-S, Bucs! Bucs! Bucs! chant after Matt Bryant’s game-winning field goal in response to the loud-mouth Eagles fans who cheered each first down like it was the Super Bowl. It must have seemed like the Super Bowl to Eagles fans because they lost.

Ben Roethlisberger has had so much bad luck this year, it is like he is playing against Kimo von Oelhoffen each week. Or maybe it is like Carson Daly said, it is karma. The Steelers look like a better team with Charlie Batch, though. And hey, Mike Vick can throw a little bit.

(Expletive) the Panthers.

Nice game, UCLA on a great team effort to come from ahead to lose. The offense pulled a Schottenheimer/Shanahan to give Notre Dame one last chance to win the game. Why doesn’t the team bootleg when Notre Dame was expecting run? The quarterback can fall to the ground if his receiver is covered to keep the clock running. That was bad, but going to a three-man rush on defense might have been worse. Notre Dame switched to a max-protect in that final drive, but the Bruins did not make an adjustment for that. Not like they had a chance, seeing that the game-winning drive was, what, three plays?

Aztecs, baby! San Diego State notched the first win of the Chuck Long era with a depleted roster, to beat Air Force 19-12. Nobody beats the Aztecs six consecutive times! Nobody! You could really feel that the crowd at the Iron Maiden show was excited about the news, too. Boise State had another mad cover. And what about Washington State over Oregon? It just goes to show just how good the Pac-10 is.

AND FINALLY“Here is something from our new album.” Nothing inspires a mad-dash to the beer line than that phrase. But if you would have spent the entire night in the beer line if you went to the Iron Maiden show on Saturday. The heavy-metal legends played their entire new album during their show, bypassing hits such as "Number of the Beast", "The Trooper" and "Run to the Hills." It would be like reading a Steve Bisheff column that wasn’t condescending or said, “You really needed to be there…” Just awful.

At least Elton John played his hits on Sunday night, after NFL Jennifer kidnapped your host following the Maiden show. She was a trooper. You know, like the song Maiden didn't play.

McNabb always struck as a bit of a baby. He doesn't have the guts to win when it counts. I'm so glad that Eagles fans have had to shut their fat low-income traps; they were getting too cocky when all they beat was San Fran, Green Bay and Houston. Whooptee friggin doo.

Steelers are going through the same thing the Patriots went through after they won the first of their 3 SBs. Except that Tom Brady wasn't out there like a moron riding a bike w/o a helmet

What? No talk about the Chunky Soup commercial curse. I enlightened my friends on the curse after watching Matt Hassleback's turn as the hungry football player satisfied by soup. SOUP!? Are you shitting me? He's a football player? Anyway i left for a few minutes and he got hurt. F$*k@^ soup!

Post Mortem was late but worth the wait. You were particularly cruel today and, of course, that's why we're all here.

But while the Cardinals are bad, I don't think they're that bad. They just have a really crappy coach who has allowed the team to be beaten down and humiliated. With their head space right now, they are in no condition to be playing football. They would have lost to my son's pop warner team on Sunday.

But, like the Michigan State Spartans, I still think they have a dramatic, self esteem-lifting victory in them. Just watch.

As for long beer lines, I never understood why they didn't have them up front by the stage -- so you can watch the show WHILE you stand in line. You might have to use hand signals to order, but I betcha they'd sell lots more beer.

Hell yes Iron Maiden have a new album out. It's called "A Matter Of Life And Death". Maiden is still a relevant metal band some 30 years since their inception. Fatty, you're a fool to think that this band is going to tour on a new album with 11 great, new tracks and not play every damn one of them. What?! It wasn't enough for you that they played "2 Minutes To Midnight" and "Fear Of The Dark" for an encore?! Get a grip. They're doing a 30th Aniversary Tour next summer, complete with the Powerslave Tour Stage. I'm sure they'll be playing all your favorite Maiden Jock Jamz for 3 hours, ad-nauseum. These colors don't run, Fatty-O! Up the irons! \m/

The Autumn Wind is a Hater!

The Hater Nation is back where it belongs. Turns out, we were too lazy to sellout. So unless somebody wants to give us $100K per year to tell McKenzie Phillips' jokes, we are probably going to be found here for a while.

Last and Ten Obvious Admissions We Would Like to See

10.Peter King admits it ... he really wants to sex up Brett Favre. And he wants to give Tom Brady a coffee enema.

9. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones admits that his face is as real as Joan Rivers' face.