Tuesday, 27 May 2008

FINALLY I HAVE WONDERFUL NEWS!!!I guess it's true that its always darkest before the dawn.

I was being bogged down with so much legal paperwork to get my husband home from the war zone because of his family needing him here (me and my family), that I would need 3 or 4 secretaries to do it all. I spent a few days working 16 hours a day and I that was about 1/10th the amount I still have to do. I am continually getting emails telling me horror stories of people in my situation and that I should not put my husband in the situation of living with a sick wife, etc. and it finally made me snap emotionally. I spent days sobbing, in confusion so bad I could barely put sentences together. I just felt hopeless. I wondered if what I had was a nervous breakdown, so I looked it up and one site explained:

In breakdowns of the depressive type, there may be uncontrollable crying, loss of pleasure in all activities, dramatic weight loss or weight gain, sleep disruption or extreme sleepiness, confusion, disorientation, extreme feelings of worthlessness, guilt, despair and hopelessness.

That's what I felt. So I begged the Lord to please heal at least that horrible feeling and sobbing and confusion, because He is the only help I have. I fell asleep and woke up feeling better than I have felt in a couple of years! My mind is clear, my emotions are balanced, I am on less than half of my pain medicine, I have not needed any diabetes medicine at all! I am almost afraid to say I am completely and forever healed, in case it will jinx me, but for however long the Lord allows me to feel like this, I PRAISE AND THANK HIM and am enjoying life and every moment! Feeling good is like heaven on earth. You can handle ANYTHING if you've got your health!! I had to even stop talking to my husband for quite a few days because to even think of all the torment this is, would make me shake and sob. For about 4 days I prayed so very hard for the Lord to give me strength and courage and heal my mind and heart, my unstable emotions, and make me physically stronger...and one morning about 3 days ago I woke up feeling like a different person! My pain meds are less than half, depression is gone, fear is gone, I feel like the Lord can carry me through anything now. Before I kept WANTING to believe it, but I always thought of how much more I would have to suffer through each trial even with His help. . If the Lord helps me stay in this state of mind, things will be fine, and I can see every trial will just be another lesson, not an attack from Satan. My Dr. was only in the office 2 mornings then took off again so I'm on my own again, trying to figure out if increasing my exercise makes me weaker or stronger, but praying for healing of my heart (physical) if nothing else. Then I'd have more energy to help my hubby when he gets here. One good thing, the war seems to be easing up where my hubby is, so he is going to see tomorrow if the Taliban have gotten out of the court house so we can get the papers we need. Whatever way it goes, whatever happens, it will be ok. This is so wonderful, I feel like my former strong self that I used to like and was not ashamed of, is back. It's a healing, for sure. Another blessing and small miracle when the Lord knew I could not handle any more. How long it will stay, I don't know. Last time it was 1 week, a few weeks before my Dad passed away. I hope this time of remission is longer.I pray that all of my beloved friends/readers can experience this SOON!

HOMEWARD BOUND (by Sheila Wall)Please use author's name when using ANY poetry or articles.

Though dreams are shatteredAnd friends have gone,Though winds blow coldAnd storms stay long,Though pain and heartacheDo not belong,And still they stay, I will sing my song.Then they will see I'm not around tolet dark shadows get me down,And though hard problemsdo me surround,I'll let them know I am homeward bound.I'll wear a smile through thick and thinThen they will see that we can winAnd things are better with a high chinFor then all things can shine again.

CHEERY- by Sheila WallA special feeling's in the air,Can't tell you what it is that's there,All I know is I can saySomething good's gonna happen today!

The air is cool, the sky is white,Still I know there's something right!Someone's on my side todayAnd no one's gonna take it away,Cuz something good will happen today!

Friday, 23 May 2008

I have had so many wonderful new friends, spiritual, loving, encouraging friends that have come to me through this blog. Many have been through the same problems I have, and have overcome them, some haven't, but try to understand anyway. I believe the Lord can heal anytime He wants, but often he chooses not to. This does not indicate a lack of faith of the person who is suffering. There are many biblical accounts of people not being healed, but they each had a purpose.

Some of my friends are getting angry at me, impatient with me for not getting well yet. They think I must not pray enough, or just don't have enough faith. Both assumptions are wrong. I love this quote about being healed...or more about NOT being healed:

God does heal today as He did in Bible times. He also uses our physical and mental weaknesses to develop our spiritual growth—as He did with Apostle Paul’s thorn in the flesh. (2CO 12:7) I believe that Jesus used a variety of healing methods so that we could not develop five sure-fire steps to miraculous healing on our own. Jesus focuses us on what is important to Him: “The Spirit gives life, the flesh counts for nothing.” (John 6:63) We can pray for healing, “naming it and claiming it,” but we must also be willing to live in our present, or deteriorating condition, if that’s God’s plan for us. With our pain comes the sensitivity to comfort others as we ourselves have been comforted in Christ. God is the final authority on how, if, and when healing occurs in our life. We are assured that we will have no physical trials when we join Him in Heaven. (Phil. 3:20-21) ---JONNIE WRIGHT http://www.jonniewright.com/beliefs.htm

I would LOVE to be healed today, and have the health enough to do everything possible on this earth, but not everyone has the same mission. Though I admire the people who have been healed and try to tell me that I SHOULD be healed as well, and I try to live like those examples, I think I need to try to save my sanity by not denying my illness and begging for healing until I am so upset that I almost have a nervous breakdown and can't do anything but sob....instead, maybe it's time to accept that this is what the Lord's will is for me, and "BE STILL", and know that HE IS! And to learn the lessons I'm supposed to learn from illness, and let others learn the lessons from knowing a person who might not be healed.

This is a time of great transition in my life and I am ready for it and welcoming it. I will seek HIS strength when I have none, and I will try not to beat myself up mentally for not being healed for some reason. This is the Lord's will, I must live with it and learn from it, or my pain has been for nothing. I hope those faithful friends who have grown weary that I have not yet been healed, will also learn from this, that not all people will be healed, and will welcome me back into their circle of fellowship with the Lord.Blessings,Bluebirdy.

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

I'm in so much pain physically and emotionally, I can't bear it, and can't get help for it. I keep begging you Lord to guide me to know what to do to get feeling better, and to help me do it, but I am not getting the message. Maybe because the pain is louder than your "Still small voice" that guides us? Too much stress in too short of a time. Too long for me to detail everything that happened just this month and I don't have the strength. I spend almost every waking moment in prayer or in researching how to get better, since the doctors don't want to treat me and since all I get from them is abuse anyway. Naturopathic medicine is not abusive and not toxic like prescriptions, but VERY expensive, and there are thousands of treatments. Don't know where to start. Can't even think. I feel like I'm running out of life like a battery or cell phone slowly running out of energy...I hope I can find something to "recharge" me soon, or I fear the misery I will be in. I don't fear death, just fear more suffering. I can't even put on an act of positivity right now. I don't have the strength or the clear mind to do it. How can a person suffer so much and not go unconscious? If Satan is trying to get me to forsake you, like he tried with Job, he is wasting his time. I will never deny you or your love. Thankyou for sending all my earth angel friends who help me again and again when I can't think for myself. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Saturday, 17 May 2008

I decided I'd better take some of my energy to post something. Since my heart stopped while getting groceries a few weeks ago, I have been as weak as a baby. Too weak to think, to type for very long, to even breathe.

NO MATTER HOW DIFFICULT MY LIFE IS RIGHT NOW, I/WE ARE GREATLY BLESSED!!!

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness,you are more blessed than the million who won't survive the week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle,the loneliness of imprisonment,the agony of torture or the pangs of starvation,you are ahead of 20 million people around the world.

If you attend a church meeting without fear of harassment,arrest, torture, or death, you are more blessed than almost three billion people in the world.

If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep,you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, some in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still married and alive, you are very rare, especially in the United States.

If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.

If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder, you are blessed because you can offer God's healing touch.

If you can read this message,you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read anything at all.

You are so blessed in ways you may never even know.

If you are feeling blessed, repay the blessings bestowed unto you and do something for others.

A blessing cannot be kept. If it stops with you, then the blessing will disappear. The blessing will only keep working if it is continuously passed around.

If you are a recipient of a blessing, keep the blessing working by being the source of blessing to other people.

I started researching what people should do to recover after a heart attack. The literature says that for the first week the patient isn't supposed to do ANYTHING physical at all. No climbing stairs, no walking farther than about 10 steps, nothing. For the first month they are supposed to avoid any traumatic news or emotional upset. That's kind of impossible in this world. I did exactly what I shouldn't have, so probably made my heart problem worse! I just want to be well! I have been carrying in heavy groceries and using the stairs (almost falling to my knees at the top), and there has been overwhelming emotional things happen about every other day, from the amount of paperwork that the lawyer is asking me to do, problems from the medical system, a disagreement with a friend, and now it has been suggested to me to contact the Civil rights union in Canada, to try to get my husband home. I don't know if I can handle the stress of starting this case all over again with another group (Civil Rights Union). Yes I would die for my husband, but I sure don't like the suffering that comes before the dying.

Someone said "The hard tasks we do right away. The impossible takes a little longer." Well, it SEEMS impossible, but if it's God's will, HE will help us find a solution to the impossible.

I was given 12 assignments by the lawyer. I worked for 16 hours on it the other day, that was the first assignment. It will take a very long time if they all take 16 hours, because I can't work on it every day. I do wonder if the legal system is spreading this out over many many hours so they can get paid more (Legal aid is paying for it, so maybe they figure they are not hurting me by taking more hours to do it.) I don't know anymore. Everything we are being told to do, every direction and option that we look at to get together seems to be blocked by a brick wall, so we sit in the middle, walled in, no options, not able to plan for the future because we don't know if we will be planning for a couple or for 2 separated people, but can't bear to call it quits, either. I have told him many times that it would be OK if we got the marriage annulled and he married someone else. If he can't get to Canada and I am too sick to move to another country, I don't want him to waste his life. He gets quite upset. He wants to be with me no matter how hard it is and no matter how ill I get. It seems like he thinks this is the Lord's will, and that it is sort of like a calling for me to be ill, because we and others around us learn from people who are ill, and he thinks it is his calling to be married to me, because he will learn from it and will be blessed for helping someone who needs so much help. One person had an interesting theory. He said that if it IS God's will that I don't get cured, and that my hubby be with a sick wife, then it wouldn't matter if he was married to me or someone else, the other wife would also become sick...so he might as well keep trying to be with someone he loves, rather than break up and find someone else.

Having NO control over our life or our future or our options is so discouraging. It's enough to make you lose hope, especially when you are too weak to think of creative alternatives.

Oh well, I will "Lean not on my own understanding", because "The Lord's ways are not our ways". Having so little strength to do anything has made me "BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT HE IS." It has made me take time to listen to the answers to my prayers, not just talk to God. Why pray if you don't listen for the answers?

Mom and I got food poisoning night before last from Salsa in a plastic container. I couldn't figure out how that could become poisonous. The expiration date was fine. Then a friend that works in a fast food place told me that if tomatoes are frozen, then left unrefrigerated too long, they can grow bacteria or spoil. The store must have left it off the shelf too long. Wow that was horrible. I am glad we had 2 bathrooms. We were laying on the floor there, too weak to get back to our room in between our sessions of being sick. Too sick to go to the E.R. for sure. I thank God it only lasted one night and was not worse than it was.

Last week California approved gay marriages. Every time any other state or province has done that, a natural disaster has happened days later. In Ontario, the SARS virus hit. In B.C., a horrible flood occurred. I can't remember which state it was, but I remember a tornado or something happening there when they approved gay marriage, and so I was wondering what would happen in California. Well now in the news they are telling about a massive amount of frogs coming up through the storm drains in some part of California, so many that it looked like a plague! Strange!

No matter how hard things are for my family, I still pray for those who are going through things that are so much worse, like those in the Beijing earthquake, and the Myanmar cyclones and other Asian areas cyclones,MORE, BIGGER aftershocks happened today in Beijing and they have no way how they will clean up all the debris and bodies that are still hidden under the debris before the Olympics in a few months. Then in the Southern USA, a tornado a few miles wide wiped out whole counties! The newspapers are saying that USA doesn't have enough manpower to help, because Bush sent the men to other countries, and they don't have enough money to help, because he is bankrupting the country, causing a serious depression by spending 8 billion dollars a day in the war. God bless all of them. I would like to support the war by bringing all our boys home. You have the right to disagree with my opinion, but thank the Lord we are allowed to have free thought, free speech, freedom of the press, etc. I could not say these things in MANY MANY countries of the world.

Well, this took me many many hours. I am worn out.Blessings to you all!Bluebirdy

Thursday, 15 May 2008

HISPLAN

"But Moses said to God, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?"(Exodus 3:11 NIV)

When God appeared to Moses in the burning bush, He laid out His plan to Moses to deliver the Israelites out of Egypt. Instead of a response of immediate willingness, Moses responded with self-doubt. Moses questioned God's choice and wisdom in appointing him for the task.

When we deal with chronic pain or disability, we often feel we are of less value than those who don't deal with physical challenges. Like Moses, we too can feel self-doubt, especially if we find ourselves newly stricken with our physical limitations. Because our physical bodies are failing, we often question how God may truly be able to use us to do His work.

But as we continue to read this scripture, we find that God responded to Moses' doubts saying, "I will be with you." And so, as we express our doubts to Him, God is also responding to each of us! Just imagine, no matter what, our loving God, our Almighty, all-powerful, wise Creator, is always with us! He has chosen us, for a purpose that will not require our physical abilities. Let us have no doubt - He will use our suffering and difficulties as part of His divine will and plan.

God chooses each of us in unique and special ways to serve Him. It may be different now, but we can learn to look forward to whatever He places before us each day to accomplish for Him. We can praise Him for His Almighty power and wisdom, no matter what our changed physical circumstances may be. Even now, we must be willing and open to accept His call.

Your circumstances were not your plan for you. But His plan is good and perfect. Don't be filled with doubt towards yourself or God. Trust Him. Let Him lead you wherever He will!

Prayer: "Father, our lives have changed and sometimes we feel so useless. Thank you for showing us that You are always with us no matter what we face. And so we trust in You, knowing that even through our suffering we can accomplish Your will. Amen."________________________

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Doris Farley began experiencing chronic pain that began after an accident. Her circumstances have led to an unexpected, life-changing spiritual journey that has renewed her commitment to our Lord. She thanks God for reaching her and prays that He will reach you also, through the words He gives her to write for you. You may write to her at dorisfarley@aol.com

Wednesday, 7 May 2008

Mom and I finally got a lot of answers to why we have been so abused and neglected. This Dr. said the way we were while he was gone treated is criminal, against the law and that we should start reporting them all immediately!

For those who don't like reading my long posts, the summary of it all is in the red paragraph below.

Finally I got in to see my regular Dr. yesterday. He was over a month late from his VERY LONG vacation, and is working only 2 mornings, then going on vacation again. Mom and I are both his patients so we went in together and told him how we had be abused, neglected, lied to, insulted, and almost died. We needed lots of help physically and lots of answers.

1) I asked him to please help me get in to be a patient with the doctor in that clinic who deals with pain patients and hospice, for whenever he (my regular Dr.) is not here. He said he would. I pray that Dr. will take me. I will still have to find another Dr. to treat me for everything but pain. ( I think I'll go to a natural Dr.).

2) I needed him to write a letter to Canadian gov't, saying that I need my husband home to help with my family and help me. The Dr. decided to call my lawyer instead of writing the letter I need for the court case, and the lawyer told the Dr. the prospects were very thin that I would get to be with my husband...so my heart is breaking, physically and emotionally. He was the reason for me fighting to stay alive for 5 years. Maybe being away from him and losing my Dad and so much other stress is the only reason for my heart problems.

3) Doctors had told Mom and I that we will no longer get any expensive tests or treatments. My Dr. said that's criminal. I said "Its also inhumane but it's been happening." He said to report those doctors to the governing body that is over all the doctors in Alberta.

4) I told him I passed out while shopping last week, and that I've been as weak as a baby ever since. I told him about he heart Dr. he sent me to, that one day he was telling me I had some abnormal tests that looked concerning, and the next appointment he told me "Nothing is wrong, go home and enjoy my life." I asked the heart Dr. "Then why am I too weak to walk across the room or stand for 1 minute and why did you just told me I have abnormal, concerning test results? He said "I must have made a mistake about the tests, and I don't know why you feel the way you do."

So my Dr. looked on the computer, and his letter says that I DO have heart problems, but that he didn't know what was causing them or how to fix them and that he's never seen this abnormality before; but it could kill me at any time. That stupid Dr. lied to me, telling me I was fine, making me wonder what the heck is going on if I am "fine" and barely have the strength to even talk or visit for an hour. I was making myself crazy, blaming myself.

I know that oxygen makes me feel much better, and the Dr. letter also explained why, that my heart does not get enough oxygen, just like the rest of my cells in my body, causing muscle pain and brainfog, etc. So I am thankful that I have my Dad's oxygen concentrator, because that heart Dr. took away my oxygen. So now, my Dr. says yes, I could die at any time, but I can't be signed up with hospice, because their policy is that they need the Dr. to say "she will die within 6 months" and if you don't die in 6 months, they kick you off the hospice program! Even if a person with cancer only had 2 weeks more to live after that 6 months, they are still left alone after 6 months, during that hardest time of all.

5) We told him about our E.R. visits and admissions where we were abused and neglected, causing a slight stroke in Mom, and more heart damage and even pneumonia in me, and he said to report those too. He was appalled about all we had been through. I said "That's just our city." (He's in another town.)"The biggest clinic in the city is pulling out of the regional health association because of these inhumane actions, so there's a problem at our hospital."

6) I got my medicines refilled, with a little extra in case he is not around when I need him, so that was gracious of him. I only take 2 or 3 prescriptions, the rest of the things I take are natural.

On the way home, I saw a new naturopathic, holistic clinic that I will call today to see if there is a holistic Dr. there. I would much rather be treated with compassion and natural meds and foods rather than abuse and toxic prescriptions. Of course there are a few health problems that natural medicines can't help with, so there is a place for prescriptions, in as much moderation as possible.

So now I'm kind of in shock and heartbroken that the court is thinking I should not be with my husband, and that I have just been re-told that I could die at any minute.

I think of the books I've read about "what would you do if you knew you had a limited time to live?" Well, those suggestions in those books are for people who are still well enough to go places and do things and who had the money to do some of the things they ever wanted to do...but the advice about changing your outlook on life and the way you think are greatly helpful.

I'm sure I will be more positive in a while after the shock wears off. I hope we can prove to the court that we SHOULD be together. I don't know if my heart can handle losing another husband that I adore.

I also found out that my adrenal gland is burned out, and no adrenaline means no energy, no ability to push yourself through the pain and weakness, and it affects your mood and ability to see hope and change in the future...so I am depending on the Lord more than ever!

Friday, 2 May 2008

Please read below what Gusthav (a blogging buddy) http://rincongusthav.blogspot.com/ sent me. It is most urgent and serious. If you can leave Gusthav and Arthur some encouraging comment on Arthur and Gusthav's blogs, PLEASE DO ASAP (as soon as possible)

...but I also ask another favor....

What do you think of this suggestion? He must stay in bed for a LONG time to heal his neck. I think if Gusthav could read him uplifting, healing scriptures, it would help him ENORMOUSLY! Also if he could hear uplifting music in English or Spanish. Would you please an encouraging scripture, and send them Gusthav's blog so he can access it and read it to Arthur? (link is above).

PLEASE read below, then go to their sites to leave encouragement. Pass this on to all of your blog family. I have left Gusthav and Arthur's profile sites at the bottom so you can go to their many blogs and read and leave messages.

For background info, Arthur and Gusthav are 2 young single guys who spend most of their time together, live close together, work together, blog together. They have been best friends for a long time. They are spiritual young Christian men and do a lot to visit people's blogs to encourage them and make them feel better.

We can share our love and comfort, because the Lord has given it to us first. Blessings,

Bluebirdy

GUSTHAV'S MESSAGE

English blog:

Blogger friends, I need your help again, but it's not for me, it's for my sweet beloved friend Arthur, and I'm gonna tell you why:In the morning, I went to Arthur's house to bring him with me and my sister in order to sell milkshakes, as always. But when we got to his house we found again that he was being nagged and scolded by his Mother, but this time, the nag/scold was severely stronger than other times. Arthur's Mother was shouting very loudly to him, and besides, she was about to hurt him physically.I don't know what the problem was, but in that moment Arthur's Mother got out of the house, she was full of anger, and Arthur was really distraught and asking for her pardon very desperate; and he was asking for his Mother not to leave their home. But the worst doom happened when Arthur ran behind his Mother, but since he was in the second floor of his house, then, he was getting getting downstairs very fast, then, he gave a bad step, and finally he fell down. EEEEKKKK!!!Yes, you read it well, Arthur fell down the stairs of his house, but for that, Arthur's Mother didn't go away, but, even Arthur fell down, Arthur's Mother nagged and scolded him again instead of giving him some love. And she said God punished him with that fall 'cause he was a bad son. And she finished saying she wouldn't talk to him for the rest of his life.I repeat, I don't know what the problem was, but then, I, with the help of my sister, took Arthur with the doctor, and the doctor told us that Arthur has a little damage in his arm, but what really worried the doctor was the heavy damage Arthur has in his neck, he's got a heavy and severe sprain in his neck. So then, Arthur could get out on his own feet, wearing a big and rigid Philadelphia collar, and we took him to his house in order to let him rest.Then, Arthur laid down on his bed, but he's still deeply down, so much, that now he wants to do nothing, and all he wants to do is to sleep. According to him, he says he wants to go to live in Kirby's Dream Land forever. That means, he only wants to be fast asleep every time.All this situation also hurts me, 'cause Arthur is my best friend. I love him so much (as my best friend). And it's a pain for me to see him asleep every time.What can I do? That's why I need help from you all. At the end of this post I'll show you a photo of a woman using a Philadelphia collar like the one Arthur will have to use for some months.

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