A little humor from Humore.us

The worst job I ever had? I once worked for the airline industry helping customers retrieve lost luggage – I can’t say which airline based on the terms of my severance package with said airline but I will give you a hint – it starts with a P and ends with “anAm”. It was easily the worst job I’ve ever had and I really shouldn’t be surprised – my former employer had lost the baggage of every person I talked to – so none of them were in a great mood and I was equipped with a ½ day of training in a series of canned lines and provided a bounty of weak compensation meant to somehow make up for the fact that their luggage will spend the next two weeks in Boston while they’re in Jamaica.

Anywho, you know how call centers will tell you “you call may be monitored for quality and training purposes?” Bummer. Well, apparently they really do monitor those calls and apparently my quality was low before being encouraged to find another employer.

Here’s how my final, and obviously monitored, call went – my lawyers obtained the script during the lawsuit proceedings….

The names of the airline and the caller have been BLEEPED to protect the innocent – for this same reason my real name has been used in this epic story of a man, his phone and the abrupt career change he didn’t see coming.

This is the story of the disgruntled lost baggage claim agent…..

A: Baggage Claim Center, this is Anthony, how will your burden affect me?

Caller: My name is BLEEP BLEEP and I was on BLEEP flight number 642 with a final destination of Indianapolis.

A: And let me guess Mr. BLEEP, BLEEP airlines lost your bags when you left Denver.

C: Yes, how did you know I started out in Denver.

A: I’m clairvoyant

C: Really

A: No, I used your last name, BLEEP, and BLEEP’s Airlines flight number to see where your flight originated.

C: Oh

A: How many bags did we lose?

C: (Pissed) three bags and this is the second straight time

A: And this time sir, how how many bags were misdelivered?

C: Three

A: Out of how many?

C: Three

A: Well at least we’re consistent.

C: [silently fumes]

A: Well, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is I have found your baggage

C: The bad news?

A: Your bags are in the village town of INDAPURA

C: Where in the hell is that?

A: India

C: India? You’re kidding right?

A: Sadly I’m not – apparently the airport code for Indianapolis and INDIAPURA is IND and so our handlers are often confused with India by our baggage handlers.

C: And why in hell would someone use the same code for two cities!?!?

A: That’s one of the many great mysteries of baggage handling.

C: This is unacceptable – when can I expect these bags returned to me?

A: About two weeks – I will submit a ticket to our claims staff who will then attempt to retrieve your bags from the village. My screen says the town is inaccessible by car and so our agent for this region Mufabasa will have to travel to the village to by camel and then possibly return to Delhi by river boat if the rains wash out the trails, which they usually do.

C: Are you serious? Two weeks.

A: No, I was just kidding your baggage came into Indianapolis on the next flight after yours and we rerouted it to your destination. You should have your bag in 15 minutes at claim #4.

C: That’s not funny.

A: Sorry, humoring the customers wasn’t in my training. In case your bag does not arrive would you like your baggage claim ticket number?

READERS NOTE: The human mind has an easier time remember short clusters of numbers – typically three and four numbers works best. Think about the social security number’s you’ve found in documents in unclaimed luggage or the false phone numbers you’ve given disgruntled customers or heinous women or men (or both) at bars.

A: Your claim number is 1- (long pause)

C: Just 1?

A: No, I was just pausing until I knew you had time to write down the first number?

C: And you think it took me 5 seconds to do that?

A: That technique is part of our training – we call it metered delivery. Are you ready for the rest of your number?

C: Yes

A: 46-57330346-7555-4

C: Uh, that was too fast.

A: Sigh. Would you like the six letter claim code instead?

C: Yes, that would probably be easier.

A: Ok your code is:

C as in Czar

G as in Gyro

K as in Knead

J as in Javier

G as in Gnome

W as in whole

T as tsetse fly

C: Wait what? Gnome? And Knead? Doesn’t knead start with an “N”?

A: I meant KNEAD like what you do with bread – that one always tricks people.

C: So why do you keep using it?

A: It makes me feel alive! Let me use different words, are you ready?

Ok your code is:

C as in Cnidarian – and before you ask, it’s a type of worm.

G as in Gnat

K as in Knife or is an Knit

J as in Jai Alai or Jicama or even Jalapeno

G as in Gnarly

W as in Whore or Wrist

T as in Tsunami

C: And that’s enough. Can I speak to your supervisor?

A: I’m guessing you’d like my name and badge number like the others? Yes?

C: Yes

A: My first name is Anthony

A: And your last name Anthony?

A: It’s a little tricky – my last name is spelled

P as in Pneumatic or Psychotic

O as in Ouija

P as in Pterodactyl

O as in Ouzel – it’s a type of bird

N as in Need

I as in Illicit????

C: You should find a better example for the letter “I”. Like idiot. CLICK.

A: Idiot? HA. That one doesn’t work. You can hear the “I” in that one.

That was my last call and my last day at the worst I’ve ever known. Known is spelled K as in Knead, N as in….

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Hu-mor(e): In a Nutshell

Anthony loves to make people laugh and he finds the right balance of humor, insightfulness and wanton disregard for his own self-esteem when presenting or guiding guests through silly games or trivia. His stories of a life of mediocre accomplishments, odd people, epic failures and overcoming the simplest of obstacles will - at the very least - establish such a low standard by which all others can feel successful.

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“I never really liked Soozie until she used one of Anthony's Hu-mor(e) activities for our company party, now I really think I can tolerate her and maybe even respect her one day. Thanks Hu-mor(e)!” – Ann Nonymous