perhaps i might be better off if i never even bothered waking up and getting out of bed after an uneasy night. i did a lot of thinking and reflecting in the past waking hours of why i have to suffer through what doesn’t even treat me right. so many questions in my head left unquestioned notably how i’m going to continue onward. realizing this is the time to figure out what everything means to me and what i’m worth to others. went through the day with no emotions and a big void inside. surprisingly didn’t even see a drop of tear; maybe my tears went dry, or maybe i learn to block out feelings as if i had none

my grandma is over ninety but probably healthier than me even before i turned nineteen. rarely has she made my family worry, but today i received bad news that she broke her arm from a fall. i’m worried that she’s suffering in pain, that she can’t take care of herself, that she wants my father by her side. she needs to go through a procedure and what she needs most is care that i cannot provide her. i just can’t rest easy knowing what she is going through and can only wish i could take it for her

i don’t know what exactly is going on, i just know that something is not right. i packed and planned what to eat daily, but i somehow accidentally on purpose refuse to eat. after a day’s work, a workout and a night of dodgeball, i find myself sitting at eight hundred. the outrageously low intake is slightly worrisome especially on a day like this when i have so much exertion. because i stack my schedule with back to back to backs, i don’t put eating as a priority. i get home not sure if i should eat or just sleep. i know for a fact my stomach is empty, but i tell myself that as long as i can fall sleep, it will solve the problem

days without gym time always feels worse. giving my car a wash and treating it better than i treat myself. it’s the rare occasion you will find my sunroof shut. i used to like the nights, but they don’t treat me well anymore. the sun doesn’t come out anymore, neither does the moon. i guess there’s nothing out there giving me light; i could simply be spinning in circle for all i know. another night that didn’t end well; it’s uneasy but swallow it and get used to it. sleeping is overrated because the darkness is where everything happens, where all thoughts come out

the inevitable day has come and it’s really time to say goodbye. i have been wishing this day would never come, where we send you off to go back home. i hadn’t realize how influential you have been in my taekwondo career, both as a student and as an instructor. i am proud to say you are my great friend, instructor, coach and mentor. believe me, i would never have gotten this far without your support so thanks for teaching me so much and thanks for supporting me and my competition dreams in every way you could. the transition and move forward won’t be easy and i am feeling eerily uncertain about myself, but i will try my best to hold it together and continue towards the big stage. i wish you the best of luck in hong kong and look forward until we meet again