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Sunday, 1 July 2012

words words words

We bandy around words like, "I want to make this work" and "I'm trying the best I can", when what we might really be saying is, "This isn't working for me any more" and "I can only do so much". The vulnerability in the long silences where words are not enough hangs heavily in the air, apathy chasing close behind.

When we say such things, I wonder if we're done. I can't imagine my parents sitting around, heavy tense moments, trying to decide if things can work in the future, if all will be copacetic and calm. Even though they would fight and argue, sometimes in such a disturbingly vicious manner that I doubted their future, I somehow can't envision them sitting down calmly and discussing their pros and cons, attempting to understand and rationalize the issues, trying to find a reason to stay together.

At that point, I wonder. Wonder if we're done, wonder why we're staying together, wonder if he will give up before I do, wonder why no one warned me about how difficult love is, wonder if it's all worth it.

I step away from the moment, I wake up the next morning and go to work. I sit at my desk under fluorescent lights and high-pitched humming of monitors and I think to myself, 'All I want to do right now is be at home with him'. There it is. That's the reason why I keep arguing and keep fighting, keep thrashing about and attempting to fix things.

Summer makes my temper run high. The constant humidity and heat, sweat everywhere, feeling too hot to cook a meal, constantly and hydrating and thus having to pee... I snap and become restless, wanting to go on a road trip or get away for a few days.

It always gets better and that is what I tell myself to get through the fights, the difficulties, the struggles. There is often nothing else you can do, except believe in a future that may not seem tangible in the present.

"With the past I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now."~R.W. Emerson