~ One man's journey through Paranoid Schizophrenia, Mental Health, Faith and Life.

Category Archives: Mental Health Awareness

I have this friend. Well actually it depends on your definition of ‘friend’. If you go by the usual (Miriam Websters’) definition of “one attached to another by affection or esteem.” then no, ‘Friend’ is certainly not the right label.

But then if the title or label of ‘friend’ is assigned (as it so often is) as a result of an attachment placed on you – or assumed that you have – by others well then yes, I guess ‘friend’ is applicable.

Remember when you were younger and there was that ‘friend’ who your parents and family never liked you being associated with? Well this ‘so called friend’ was certainly…

The ‘So-Called Friend’ Who… my friends and family never liked or accepted for me.

Remember when you were younger and an association was formed which you never really wanted but somehow you just couldn’t seem to shake or get rid of?

Well this ‘so called friend’ was certainly…

The ‘So Called Friend’ Who… was never wanted by me.

Remember how you were often blamed for stuff you never did (and even stuff you would never even think of doing) simply because of that association?

Well this ‘so called friend’ was certainly…

The ‘So Called Friend’ Who… was guilty of causing me to be blamed for things I never did and attitudes I never had.

Remember how they would make others react to you or treat you regardless of who you really were ?

Well this ‘so called friend’ was certainly…

The ‘So Called Friend’ Who… unjustly and unfairly shaped the way others saw me.

Remember how because of all that they would often make your life a living misery?

Well this ‘so called friend’ was certainly…

The ‘So Called Friend’ Who… robbed me of any desire to go on.

In truth I could go on. But let me cut to the chase here.

Actually it isn’t someone I alone know. It is someone known by all too many. All too many, who are guilty of pushing this ‘so called friend’ on me and falling for their tricks and deceptions.

In fact (and so tragically) it is someone all too many are far too familiar with allowing to shape their thinking.

Tragically it is someone who becomes a ‘so called friend’ to the people choosing to include them, simply because they are tricked into feeling safer with them.

I wonder how often you are far to quick to call on this ‘so called friend’ when dealing with others just because that person or those people may be different to you?

Like this:

There are times, just every now and again you understand, when I surprise myself in a good way.

Oh trust me, there are plenty of times when I surprise myself in a not so good way. Times when perhaps I think or respond in such a way that is contrary to how I like to conduct myself or like to think. And whilst these times are disappointing, even concerning, I seem to have almost accepted them as part and parcel of who I am. That is not to say that I like them or simply accept them. Because I don’t. And yes, they still bother me.

But when I surprise myself in a good way these times do tend to have a bigger impact or be more noteworthy somehow.

And yesterday (rolling into this morning also) was one such a time. Let me explain…

My daughter Janey has flown in and is visiting with me at the moment. and one of the things that she is keen to do, whilst she is here, is to get me out of the house more. And so she was keen that we did a few road trips, hiring a car just for that purpose.

At the same time, I have been really wanting to make this visit really special. And so – knowing that there are certain things which she has never experienced in life (or things which she only experienced when very young and thus can’t really remember) – we got in the car very early yesterday morning and went on a road trip.

I hadn’t told her where we were going, just that we were going on a road trip. Which, I kind of thought was important for her to know, since I don’t drive an d thus Janey would be doing all the driving.

Off we set, bright and early in the morning and drove across Ireland – which, as most locals and visitors would know, – is particularly beautiful, stopping for an early morning coffee at New Ross.

Before heading off again on our travels. I have to tell you that I love these times in the car together. As additional to the wonderful scenery that we experience, it also gives us time to just sit and chat with little to no distractions.

Our fist main stop was at the wonderful seaside town of Dungarvan. As I wanted Janey to see a small Irish coastal castle.

Dungarvan Castle is a polygonal shell keep. An Anglo-Norman fortification founded in 1185 at the mouth of the River Colligan. ‘Shell keeps’ are fairly rare in England and Ireland alike and this one is even rarer as it is one of the few ‘Royal’ castle to be built in Ireland.

But this was, for Janey, on our road trip to be but a small taste of what was to come. As from here we drove the short 20 minute drive over to Lismore and to the much more spectacular and breath-taking Lismore Castle.

Here is a smaller pic that we took from the car as we drove up to it.

I can’t even begin to tell you the joy I got from seeing Janey’s eye’s light up when she first saw it.

It really is a very impressive building The Irish home of the Duke of Devonshire. Sadly it is not open to members of the public but can be rented out if you have the mind and wallet.budget to do so.

Suffice to say I decided not to rent the castle for the day on this particular occasion, LOL. And so, once we had viewed it, we drove on and to the destination that I had in mind for us that day.

One of the things which Janey only experienced when she was very young and thus has very little recollection or true appreciation of, was going to the zoo. And so when we drove up to the Fota Wildlife Park in Carringtwohill, County Cork and once she had realised what kind of attraction we were at, it was a real delight to see the joy on her face. And that was something which continued as we experienced her seeing all the different animals up close (only 3 or 4 feet away) and personal.

Fota Wildlife Park – which I have never been to myself before yesterday – is set in some 70 acres. And man was that one heck of a long walk. Especially when you are built as heavily as I am and with the mobility issues that I have.

But the wildlife is extremely well cared for and have ample room to roam and to have a good and healthy and also -0 from what we could see – and interesting and well-cared for life.

I have to say that I personally, am not a fan of zoos etc. Nor of keeping wild animals in captivity for that matter. But this is, as far as I could tell, a very well managed Wildlife Park with an excellent ethic when it came to animal care and offers an excellent education and presentation of over 30 mammals and 50 bird species.

But that ‘ample room to roam’ that the animals enjoy whilst being excellent for them, did mean one heck of a hike for me. And that is the part which surprised me in such a good way.

Thankfully the park also has plenty of benches and seating areas dotted about along the route. And certainly we took our time going round the path. But man did it ever take a lot out of me an d this morning I am walking like a zombie.

BUT, and this is the huge one for me, I managed it! And additionally I am not in as much pain and not struggling as much as I thought I would be today. Of course, I accept that it is still early and I realise that I usually get worse as the day progresses after such things.

But I am claiming a victory here! And I am so grateful to Janey for the encouragement and support that she is. So yes, I have pleasantly surprised myself, and I am determined to achieve even more things today as well!

It has been a thought which has been going around – the spaghetti junction thought highway which is – in my brain for some time now.

Well I say that it is a thought, but to be honest it kind of yoyo’s between a thought and a consideration. Leaping into a possible conclusion one minute and then crashing into a deeply serious and concerned question the next. Do you ever notice how such ‘deeply serious and concerned questions often take on the feel – even the familiar vocal tones and inflections of authority figures from your childhood? Or is that just me? LOL.

But I digress. So yes this one has been circling around inside my brain (and if I am totally honest my heart) for some time now.

And I can’t help wondering if poor old Mini Mental Me (pictured left) – he who is the keeper and filing clerk of all my thoughts – isn’t just about frazzled with this one by now.

You see different folk, most of whom really are so very well intentioned, have different ideas about this one, don’t they? Especially if, like me, you are a Christian and especially, like in my case, those ‘folk’ are also Christian.

In which case you tend to get a very specific and peculiar brand of responses and opinions on this particular subject.

“No, struggling means that you are not trusting.” is one response I have heard a number of times.

“You aren’t letting go of something if you are struggling with it.” Is another supposed pearl I have often been offered. And I have to be honest here, I have mixed opinions as to both the validity and the usefulness of such responses – especially when it comes to mental health and mental illness.

And of course the whole “It really is OK to struggle” consideration gives light – well to the observant amongst us at least – to the fact that I really am struggling at the moment. The lesser observant amongst us – along with the too busy or too easily fooled among us – get thrown by the mask I feel the need to apply whenever in public or in company.

But masks get sticky and sweaty and uncomfortable and heavy don’t they? And so behind closed doors, in the solitude of our own homes, we tend to take them off, don’t we? And besides, perhaps keeping the mask on – even though seemingly essential at times – is a dangerous thing to do.

See I understand the concepts and thought processes, even the – often erroneously applied – scriptural instructions behind such opinions that I mentioned above. But where the struggle is – even if only in part – as a result of mental health issues or mental illness they belong on the ‘best not expressed pile’.

You see, on Tuesday last I did something different. I let my guard down (removed the mask a little) whilst at the Psychiatrist. Something which – I have to be honest here – I don’t usually do. And the psychiatrist – who was someone I hadn’t seen before, (Here in Ireland you seldom see the same psychiatrist each time) was really caring and really compassionate. And what is more he actually took time to listen and to communicate – which again is in itself a rare thing here – due to the pressure of demand that they are under.

And that simple act of kindness – that caring and compassion – has made the mask feel somewhat uneasy to reapply. So much so that in a totally unrelated conversation with someone from church I even let my mask down and admitted the fact that I was struggling to them. And now – and again let’s be honest here – here I am sat writing a blog post on my personal blog when I haven’t posted on here for some months now.

You see struggling doesn’t have to demonstrate or to be perceived as a sign of weakness. On the contrary, in fact. Sometimes, and I cannot express this too clearly or too firmly here, it is a sign of strength and of perseverance. Especially when it comes to mental illness and mental health related issues.

Yes I am struggling and yes – when the mask comes off and when the doors are closed and when solitude and I keep each other silent company within the echoes of the thoughts and voices – it is sometimes difficult to see any point in going on, or to actually connect with, take ownership of, feel validated in accepting and assigning to yourself, the reasons to go on. But this is nothing new and this has been the case for a good many years now and this is a part of my mental health and this does demonstrate perseverance.

And yet here’s the deal about perseverance. It is an indicator of what you have been through and in many cases still are going through. It is a guarantee that you have made it this far. BUT – and this really is important here – whilst it may be a guarantee that you have made it this far and may well be an encouragement to go on it is by no means a guarantee that you will go on.

I need to act! To take decisive steps to enable that ‘going on’, that continued perseverance. And yes, to be honest, at this point, continuing perseverance is all I can even imagine being able to achieve, and even that seems a somewhat distant hope.

Over the past few weeks my strength, my resolve, has weakened and even at times – especially just recently – taken a battering. And at the same time those harmful, those sabotaging thoughts and voices have increased and intensified. Even my kids, and those closest to me, have asked if there is something wrong or if I am upset with them.

Old harmful temptations echo from the past yearning to get reacquainted. Exit strategies – how’s that for a nice simple oh-so-modern and socially acceptable term or face for something oh so dangerous and sinister – seem even more appealing.

And yet still I know that I am not intended to face this alone or to struggle alone in all this – except that is the other – often unnoticed – side of masks, isn’t it? They not only fool others and prevent others from getting in and hurting you. They also fool yourself into stopping others from getting in and helping you. And they most definitely add to and at times create a false and negative or harmful perception of yourself.

As the title and my earlier comments tell you. I am convinced that “It really is OK to struggle.” but it is most definitely not OK, most definitely not advisable to struggle alone. And trust me, when it comes to mental illness and mental health issues, even your faith and that absolute belief that God will never let you down is somehow clouded from your view.

And yet can I truly allow myself to allow others to draw me out from what can – if I cut all the sugar frosted coating – only be recognised as the oh so old, oh so familiar “me, myself and die” mindset that has somehow secretly become such a part of me?

When I sat at my computer determining whether or not I really did want to write this post – I can’t speak for other ‘bloggers’ but for me personally sometimes there is some deliberation that takes place between the idea and the execution when it comes to blogging. And to be truthful today I really wasn’t sure I was up to writing this posts.

You see thoughts are mainly private and thus there is an apparent safety in them. I say ‘apparent’ because not all thoughts – certainly not mine at least – are safe or healthy. But in the main, they remain fairly harmless unless you either a) act upon them or b) in some cases, share them.

And smiles, when it comes to the latter of those two – the sharing of them – can be the same, can’t they?

In truth I could smile all day long in the solitude of my home and it would effect or (as the above image suggests) confuse no-one. (Other than my dog TJ perhaps. LOL)

But the minute I share that smile with someone else, it has all the potential – does it not – of having an impact on them. Unless of course they are so pre-occupied with other things (or other thoughts) that they really don’t notice. But then arguably the process of sharing of the smile is incomplete.

Smiles are all around us, aren’t they? I live in Ireland and you only have to walk down any street and pass folk and you are still sure to be greeted in one friendly fashion or another. (Something which I have noticed does sadly appear to be in the decline) And usually with a smile. But are those smiles real or are they often masks that people wear as a result of social etiquette or as a result of other people’s expectations?

Some smiles are – let’s say – simply natural, an involuntary or subconscious bi-product of how a person is feeling. Maybe long-term in existence or momentary and fleeting as a result of some thought or event which has just happened.

But other smiles, well they are more deliberate, more connived, more manufactured. Placed on the face of the wearer by the wearer as a result of deliberate thought and with a deliberate purpose in mind. To offer you the viewer what you want or (as is often the case) to dissuade you the viewer from seeking deeper knowledge or further information.

And there is very little wrong with offering others a smile when they expect it or want it. Is there? Or when you simply can’t face or bring yourself to explain or share the hurting or the depression that you are really feeling?

After all, not everyone cares or wants or even needs to know about the depression you are going through. Or the hurting you have inside. And indeed not everyone should know about it. Trust me on this, there are those out there who would do so much damage if they did know.

But what about your desperate need for some to know? Someone to understand? Someone to still accept you, even love you, despite that depression, those thoughts, that hurting?

And what about those who should know? Those who should be told, who should be there for you at such times. Those for whom the truth and your ‘freedom to be real’ should be more important than social norms or everything ‘appearing rosy in the garden of life’.

I cannot even begin the explain or describe the importance of having someone in your life with whom you can be real – especially if you do suffer from depression (in any of it’s forms). Some person, a friend or a loved one, a family member, who will not only offer you the freedom to be real but who also accepts you and yes who still loves you when you are real.

The problem is that sadly, unless you suffer from depression, in one of it’s various forms, it is so very hard to understand (and thus to fully relate to) what it is like. Which is why I believe that online communities such as the Mental Health Writers Guild and blogs such as this one are so important.

Because all too often even those who really do care and who do still try to understand and love you through the difficult times. Those times when despite your best efforts you cannot escape the impact of the (often altered) realities depression forces upon you. Can’t understand and feel so helpless. They stand – if you like – at the edge of a world in which they see you suffering and which they know they cannot truly enter in order to try to ease your suffering. No matter how much they may want or need to. Or at the edge of a world which you seem to have suddenly forced upon them and which they do not understand. Of course for the person – like me – who suffers the depression and who is involuntarily going through that latest episode it is not a case of forcing our world on others but of desperately trying to reach out from within it and be held, be accepted, be understood, be loved.

And so all too often we try to hide that world in which you cannot belong, should not belong. We try to protect you from the world we know we cannot protect ourselves from. And often we do so by hiding that world behind a smile. Behind a mask. After all, is not a smile far more acceptable than a sign which reads (as my mind [Mini Mental Me] often tells me I am) “Danger! – walking Minefield – Keep Clear!”.

For me personally – as a Christian who suffers from mental illness – I see the smile (and yes even the laughter) that I try to offer others, not as a lie or a mask to hide the pain or the depression within. But more as a way of my offering my Christ and the joy that He offers me despite my mental health issues.

But I do need and want to be very real and very honest here. Sometime my depression and my mental health smothers and impacts me so much that even my finding my Christ and my faith – which has brought me through this far – is so very hard. And so yes, sometimes my smile, my laughter and joking, is indeed a mask to hide that which I don’t think you either need or want to see. And I am certainly not alone in this and certainly not the only one who struggles and yet paints on ‘the smiling face of depression.’

Something which I feel most bloggers experience at one point or another, and certainly a read through other blogger’s blogs would seem to confirm this, is writer’s block.

So here I am, having not posted anything on this blog since April, sat in my study, coffee to one side and keyboard in front of me determined to reach out ‘beyond the block‘ which has been oppressing me of late.

“Oppressing me of late“. Now there’s an interesting way of putting it, isn’t it? Webster’s offers a number of different definitions of the word ‘oppression’, one of which being – “A sense of being weighed down in body or mind.” and certainly that definition would seem very apt for what I have been feeling of late. (Although I personally, as a Christian, would want to add to that definition, but more of that later.)

This blog (like so many of the blogs which I read) focusses on Mental Health and is a way of my sharing my experiences with my mental health in the hope of; a) understanding my mental health more and b) helping others to understand mental health more. Mental health which can, let’s be clear about this, present the sufferer with a whole plethora of different experiences and of different highs and lows.

So when a mental health writer (such as I) experiences what many writers would simply consider or label “Writer’s Block” it is important, I feel, to look beyond that ‘block’ and to consider both where that block came from and indeed, what it signifies or indicates.

You see, something which I personally have come to realise, and something which we all (in my opinion would be wise to consider when such blocks appear) is that it is possible that something has happened which has forced or lured us into a state of relative autopilot.

That state of life where we ‘exist’ more than ‘live’. Where we simply go from; task to task, chore to chore, obligation to obligation. routine to routine.

And please understand that I say this not with a sense of defeatism, but with a sense of awakening and of commitment and determination.

For me personally, a number of factors seem to have contributed to this oppression and therefore simply engaging my ‘autopilot’. My physical health is without doubt one of the largest factors, but also personal relationships and financial concerns seem to be contributory factors. And all of these seem to impact each other – at least in my own experience.

And truly I do understand the engaging of autopilot in an attempt to stop or at very least to slow down that crippling ‘free fall’ that so many of us have experienced.

But I am convinced that this is not the way that we are intended to live.

And I am also convinced that all it inevitably does – if we are not mindful of it and if we do not take measures to disengage it an to come out of it – is cripple and imprison us.

Doing so in such an often subtle and debilitating way, that the longer we are in this state the more damage is being done beyond our awareness and thus the harder it is to get out of it.

Which I think brings me back to that original definition of oppression which I mentioned and to the fact that I personally, as a Christian, would want to add to it.

You see, I am convinced that there is also a spiritual aspect to it all. That the definition should not only be, “A sense of being weighed down in body or mind.” but more completely be “”A sense of being weighed down in body or mind or spirit.”

For me personally, my faith is central to who I am and crucial to me. And even in this I seem to have been gone into ‘autopilot’ as the factors I mentioned above and also everyday pressures of life seem to have taken their toll.

But who says we have to ‘free fall’ in such situations? Who says we have to be crippled and imprisoned?

The past? The lies we have bought into and which were introduced way back when and which were then reinforced by our damaged and corrupted self-image and by a world which is as self-centred and uncaring as it seems intent to be?

What is to stop us soaring? What is to stop us climbing up on the very block which is designed to oppress us and keep us down and launching ourselves into a new more determined future?

So yes, I recognise ‘the block’ which has kept me down of late, but I refuse to take ownership of it or to simply exist within it. And I am determined to reach out and claim back my life beyond it and to rise above it all.

It’s a common enough phrase, isn’t it? ‘Sorely Tempted’ I mean. “Honestly, he got me so mad I felt like slapping him. I mean it. I was sorely tempted.” Is a line from a conversation I remember having with someone about how their husband had behaved one morning. (And of course I am not advocating hitting husbands here. I just wanted to demonstrate the common nature of the phrase.)

However I want to use it in a slightly different way within this post, and am deliberately playing with words here. What if I were to write it as ‘Sore’ly tempted and to tell you that this post is as much about sores and boils as it is about self-image and self-confidence?

About two and a bit years ago I wrote a post entitled “Sometimes, what it al ‘boils’ down to…” and in that post I wrote openly up about the boils and sores that I frequently have. And I even went as far as displaying pictures of the state of my skin as a result of these boils and of some of the boils themselves.

And I did so because I felt that it was an important issue. And the truth is that I still feel the same way. Especially since I am still receiving comments and emails concerning this issue and the experiences that others have with the same issue.

The truth is that as well as the physical difficulties which can result from such a condition (pain or physical discomfort, discomfort or difficulties walking, additional laundry requirements, the ruining of clothes. etc) there are other difficulties as well.

Things which perhaps we would not initially consider. Such as the impact it can have on who we are as a person.

And the truth is that whilst I do personally believe that often, the presence of mental illness or poor mental health can complicate – even exaggerate – the impact of such a condition, the fact remains that so many different things can play into and impact our self-image and self-confidence regardless of whether mental illness or poor mental health is present.

I, also, have suffered from this issue for nearly 15 years. I am currently 24 years old and at the age of 11 or 12, I noticed painful, large boil-like abscesses regularly appearing on my inner thighs. Within a couple of years, the issue began to get so much worse and as a cheerleader, I had to do stretches at practice that made this issue visible to all of my friends. I tried to hide it as best as I could, but sometimes friends or family members of mine would question why I had a “rash” on my inner thighs. It was so embarrassing and definitely put a damper on my confidence as a teenager.

I can so relate to what was being shared in that comment and my heart went out to her. I may not be a cheerleader (trust me I never have been). Nor am I a teenager. Nor does my life present me with many situations where anyone would see the sores or the boils which I still experience. But I certainly do remember and still (on the very rare occasions when someone is likely to see my boils and sores – such as at the doctors or the hospital) know and understand the impact, embarrassment, and even the sense of shame which we can allow ourselves to feel when they are seen by someone else.

Additionally, I also have an adult daughter who suffers from Psoriasis. A condition which causes plaque like blotches all over her body including her most intimate parts.

And I know, from dealing with this with her, just how this has impacted her self-image and self-confidence and indeed her willingness to have intimate relationships with anyone.

But here’s the deal, and it really is a question which we all need to ask ourselves. So many of us who experience mental illness or poor mental health will actively speak out about the stigma that is often wrongly attached to us and to others with mental illness or poor mental health.

“It is wrong.” We shout. Or “You cannot treat people who have a mental condition, one which is, in the main, beyond their control, differently.” And we say, “You cannot (justly or fairly) look at them as being somehow inferior, somehow damaged, simply because of their condition!” And the truth is that we are right to do so and it is tragic that even in this day and age we still have to say such things.

But what about our unsightly or unappealing physical conditions? Such as boils and sores, Hidradenitis suppurativa, or psoriasis or other such conditions? And what about the way we allow having these conditions (and other people’s reactions to them) to impact the way we see our selves.

Often these conditions last a very ling time and all we can do is try to manage them. In respect of the boils and sores, as the young lady whose comment I featured above also noted…

I do have one HUGE tip I could share that may help some of you…. ALWAYS, ALWAYS try to keep the crevices of your body as dry as possible. Moisture always seems to trigger the onset of boils. If you work out or notice that you are sweating a lot, immediately shower if you can and following this, apply medicated baby powder to your thigh/buttocks area, underneath armpits, under breasts, or any other crease in your body. If you have to, blow dry your body.

So there are things that we can do to reduce their physical impact and hopefully to prevent the physical scarring such as mine…

But as I said, it is not only about the physical effects and physical scarring is it?

Like I said, I may not be a cheerleader (trust me I never have been). Nor am I a teenager and nor am I concerned about either having intimate relationship or the way my body looks within those relationships.

But I am concerned about how we see ourselves and how loving and accepting we are of ourselves – warts and all so to speak.

The world – media, social sites, advertising (or so it seems to me) is obsessed with physical beauty and even physical or cosmetic perfection. But aren’t we so much more than this? Shouldn’t we all be looking deeper than the (often artificial) exterior?

As I mentioned above, my heart went out to the young lass who commented on my previous posting on this subject. And so if you are suffering from such a condition as the one I experience and have illustrated above, I so deeply want to say this to you.

I fully accept that I am older and that I no longer suffer the same kind of peer pressure that many youngsters still experience. But I have – over the years – learned two very important things.

Firstly, we are so much more than just what is presented on the outside, and actually very often what is present on the outside – no matter how aesthetically appealing it might seem – is nothing like what is on the inside.

And secondly, true friends, true loved ones, people who really care and thus who really matter in life, will look beyond what it on the outside and love you, care for you for who you are on the inside.

So today I really want to encourage you.

No matter how bad things may seem, no matter how much your condition may impact the physical, love the you beyond the physical. Love the you inside and never let anyone or anything judge you purely on the outside.

Never allow the outside to hide your love and your acceptance and you caring for the you on the inside. No matter how ‘sore’ly tempted you may be!

I have, over the years used many metaphors in order to try to describe or explain my mental illness and the way in which it impacts my life. Some have been dark and sinister by nature and some (I hope) humorous and light hearted.

For the uninitiated or unfamiliar with ‘Mini Mental Me’ he is the little man who lives in my brain and who is charged with the responsibility of ensuring it’s correct and efficient functioning. But who – for a myriad of reasons – constantly fails at this task – often to varying degrees of spectacular.

One reason his frequent inadequacy at the role which which he is charged is – or so it seems to me – appears to be his addiction to ‘Thought Jenga’.

‘Thought Jenga’ appears to be a game which he plays where he takes all my different thoughts and thought processes (represented above by the different coloured bricks) and instead of organising and stacking them neatly and correctly – as my OCD requires and as any normal mind would – decides to see just how much fun he can have by stacking them all higgledy-piggledy in order to (I can only assume) watch them (and of course my peace of mind and sometimes my life) wobble and shake and subsequently tumble. A past-time which is obviously a a spectator sport egged on by both the internal dialogue and those pesky destructive (seemingly) external voices.

[Of course it is entirely possible that I do not have mental illness at all and it is Mini Mental Me who has mental illness. But don’t tell my psychiatrist that as it would no doubt instantly be recorded on my file as me being delusional in some way LOL.]

So where does Mental Mini Me’s apparent addiction to ‘Thought Jenga’ leave me and what is the prognosis for it’s impact on my life.

Well I guess a lot of that – whilst part of it is of course outside of my control – is down to how I approach it, I think.

So what I have decided to try to do for the rest of this year – the beginning of year already being fairly spectacular in it’s madness and mayhem – is to try to take control of the things that are important and which I can take control of. And I am doing so in full awareness that they will at sometime go awry and will therefore need repairing.

But my thought process (hopefully this one isn’t flawed or foolish) is that the more control I take of things that can and often to wrong, and the more I maintain control of them the less damage that can be done and thus the less repairing required when things inevitably do mess up (Or should that be when I or Mental Mini Me inevitably messes up?)

And to do this I have been identifying weak spots, stressors and areas of need. These are the areas where the most damage is often done and which often cause a downward spiral in my physical or mental health. Of course living alone makes controlling – heck often even recognizing – these glitches all the more difficult.

But I have at least identified the key areas. Which are as follows…

Keeping my home neat, tidy, clean and orderly. My environment has, I have learned, a direct impact on my mental health and one sign that things are not good – either with my mental health or my physical health is a decline in the general good order of my home. And this in turn then adds to the problems. I am determined to try to keep my home a lot cleaner and tidier this year. Not that it is usually that bad but can get quite bad when my physical or mental health declines.

Eating Healthily and Regularly. I tend to forget to eat and I certainly don’t eat regularly or healthily enough. In truth I can not only go hours without even thinking about food, but even a couple of days without thinking about food. Additionally, other factors play into this. Financial difficulties, physical health, memory issues, focus issues, to name but a few.

For example, if I screw up my finances – something I tend to do a lot – I often don’t have enough to buy food, let alone healthy food And this can last for some time as often when I screw up my finances I am left desperately paying all my money to bills instead of buying essential food.

Likewise, if my physical health is bad, and (as regular readers will know) I have a number of physical health issues, I can find myself unable to stand long enough to cook a healthy meal and so resort to microwave meals, take outs or fast food deliveries. Something which I am determined to change this year.

Actively fighting the compulsion to isolate. Whilst isolation or at very least limited socialization appears on face value to be my most comfortable approach and certainly reduces the ammunition available to the negative internal dialogues and paranoid and destruction external voices, it is probably true that it is in the long wrong not healthy for me. So I am going to try to socialize more this year and at very least leave my house more. At the moment, apart from going out for a coffee and a little shopping twice a week with my carer Sinéad (something which only began last year) I tend only go out to church on Sundays, sometimes a bible study once a week, and if necessary essential doctor, hospital or psychiatrist visits (and even them I tend to avoid if possible). Although thanks to Sinéad’s encouraging and efforts I did get out much more last year.

Also being more active (when I am able) will no doubt help with my weight and health.

Having a regular and recognisable routine. This is another area which really helps with my mental health and indeed my physical health. The more I have a routine the better I am. And at times when my mental health starts to slip into a decline or a crash, having and keeping to a routine can delay or slow this decline or even prevent a crash.

Keeping my mind active and healthily focused. This is a big one for me, As often when my mental health suffers (and Mental Mini Me plays ‘Thought Jenga’ my focus, memory and comprehension suffer. Which means even the simplest of things like reading becomes difficult. (Sometimes I can’t even remember the start of the paragraph by the time I am two lines into it. And so writing is therefore even harder and often impossible. Posts which I would normally write fairly speedily can take me numerous hours to complete. And I get frustrated with the situation (and thus myself) and lose interest.

Additionally – as part of the ‘Thought Jenga’ games that Mental Mini Me plays, and the resultant increased internal and external dialogues, I can slip into harmful or unhealthy thought patterns and processes,

But I am convinced that the more I engage in healthy mental activity the less this will happen. At least that’s the theory. (Just as long as I watch for signs of compulsive thought patterns)

Taking my meds regularly. Is another huge one for me. But thank fully there are some improvements on this score. Because I struggle so much with my finances I often forgo buying my meds and pay off my bills instead. Additionally because of my frequent memory and focus issues I have often (actually frequently) forgotten my meds. And then of course there are the fairly common ‘do I really need these’ or ‘can I actually be bothered to take these’ syndromes when it comes to meds, which a lot of us seem to experience.

If I go for a while without remembering to take my meds and am not cognitive of any slipping in my mental or physical health (which of course are often there but I just haven’t seen the signs) I question if I really need them at all. Which of course I do.

And if I am totally honest. To add to all this I simply don’t trust and don’t like the effects of my psychiatric meds.

But, as I said, there have been huge improvements on this score. I am (thanks to the support and encouragement of a couple of dear friends – you know who you are) at least taking my physical health related meds pretty much as I am meant to. And so that is a good sign at least.

Managing my finances properly. Is perhaps the biggest of all of the weak spots, stressors and areas of need. There is a recognisable cycle here. My mental health (or even my physical health) declines and my memory, focus and comprehension decline along with it. I forget to pay bills and spend my money on other things or simply spend it on other people.

What happens next is that either a) I then get angry letters telling me I haven’t paid bills – which alert me to the fact that my mental health has slipped somewhere along the way and I haven’t noticed or b) my mental health improves and I myself realise that I have messed up again. And I then of course, go into a lengthy phase of trying to repair the damage already done.

And this long pattern of financial mismanagement has often taken its toll and often leaves me feeling like a failure and both demoralized and defeated. Which of course then only provides ammunition to those internal and external harmful and negative dialogues. Which then in turn complicate matter further and induce a further decline in my mental health.

And those, amongst a plethora of other stressors, weak spots and areas of need are (I think) the main ones. They can be so destructive, can’t they?

But I am convinced that there is hope – even with Mini Mental Me and his apparent ‘Thought Jenga’ addiction. Not only for me, but for all of us suffering with poor mental health or with mental illness. And yes even those of us who suffer from paranoid or non paranoid schizophrenia or (like me)with schizoaffective disorder.

The fact is that I have seen an improvement in almost every one of the key areas that I have mentioned above. But, of course, the biggest one – my finances – is a huge challenge and the one I seem to struggle with the most.

And of course if I could just cure Mini Mental Me’s Apparent Addiction to ‘Thought Jenga’ life would be soooooo much better.

I think many of us who suffer from mental illness or poor mental health can well relate to how this animation of a what is termed as a ‘flatline’ – normally used to indicate activity in the heart – could also represent how we feel, often both mentally and emotionally, during a particularly bad episode.

It can be such a distressing time – especially (and often more so) for those who have to witness our going through these episodes. Episodes where we seemingly cease to function, cease to even feel.

And certainly it is very hard to explain or describe – to anyone who has not experienced it or been through it – just what that is like.

And likewise it is very hard to explain or describe the wonderment which can often come when you suddenly, unexpectedly, somewhere from within the silent emptiness of both thought and emotion, realise that you have begun to feel something.

Did you really feel it? Was it really there? Did you imagine it? Somehow create it out of your own desperation?

These are all questions which I have to admit I have asked myself at times such as these.

And of course even the realisation of your being desperate – were you but to have had clarity of thought enough to know it at the time – is in itself an indication of improvement. An indication of some breakthrough. Some sign of life within the death-like emptiness you had previously been experiencing.

But then of course comes the nervousness, even the fear, that actually this new awareness, this new feeling, this new ability to think once more is only fleeting. A momentary blip before you mentally and/or emotionally ‘flatline’ once more.

It’s a harrowing thought isn’t it?

And indeed perhaps you are reading this and can relate to exactly what I am describing here. Either because you have experienced it yourself or watched someone you know, perhaps a loved one, go through this kind of thing.

And if either of those are the case for you, then I am truly sorry. And likewise I am truly sorry for those who have witnessed me go through it in the past.

But of course – when it comes to the heart and to ‘flatlining’ in the physical – we have learned so much and have developed such equipment as defibrillators to help kick start the heart back into action.

Something which we are not quite so developed, not so good at when it comes to the mind and the emotions.

Although I have little to no doubt that many have tried ‘shocking’ even ‘shaking’ their loved one’s out of such a status. Even despite the obvious and very real fear that doing so might to more harm than good.

And I yearn – oh how I yearn – to be able to offer some sage advice, some wonderful key that would instantly unlock such situations as the ones I have described above. But alas I know not of such a key, because I recognise that we are all unique and the very things that drive or drag us into such states can be as unique and personal to each of us as the personal pain and distress that it causes those who have to witness them.

But I do know this. That pain and distress comes from your love. And I truly believe that love can reach into the deepest and darkest of circumstances and offer hope. A hope which can save lives and which can change the tides of desperation.

After all, as a Christian, is that not what I believe that God’s love through Christ has done for me, and for so many others.

And after all, is that not one of the reasons why we – those of us who experience mental illness or poor mental health – blog about our experiences? In the hope of reaching out and helping someone else?

So I want to encourage you, if you are going through this or witnessing someone else going though this, to persevere and to continue loving them through it. Who knows, perhaps one day that very love which you selflessly give will be the very thing which reaches into the deep darkness of desperation and touches the person going through it, so that somewhere from within the silent emptiness of both thought and emotion they can see and find their way out.

Question 1 in the game asked “What is the first childhood memory that comes to mind?” and my answer was as follows…

Letting off a fire extinguisher in the church hall. I think I was about 8 years old at the time and it was on the side of the stage in the church hall. Everyone else was in the church hall doing stuff and I was bored so had gone exploring on the stage. I found the fire extinguisher tucked away at the side of the stage and wanted to know how it worked. (I had a very inquiring mind.) So when I was checking it over and trying to see how it worked I accidentally set it off. This would have been some 44 years ago now and it was the kind that once you had set it off you couldn’t stop it. It went everywhere and I and the surrounding area was covered in the stuff. Man did I get into trouble for that one.

I remember it so well, and indeed I also remember the hiding (spanking) that I got at home from my father as a result of it. But what I also remember, even more than any of that – and trust me that hiding was memorable enough – was the injustice I felt over it all and just how misunderstood I was.

You see in my father’s eyes, my father who was a Chief Petty Officer in the Royal Navy and who firmly believed in discipline and that all misbehaviour needed to be addressed and paid for, I had done something very wrong. And thus he reacted according to his belief and his parenting method. And I really am not wanting to debate (nor indeed to start yet another debate on corporal punishment) or whether the level of discipline applied was appropriate to what he felt I had done.

Instead, what I am discussing is how in my eyes I had simply had an accident as a result of doing something new and different. And, let’s be realistic here, as a result of having a very inquiring mind and trying to learn.

The fact is that what we see isn’t always what is happening. As this little clip from the BBC television program QI will demonstrate…

I openly agree that – had I deliberately set off the fire extinguisher as a gesture of some rebelliousness or displeasure, or even as an act of mischievousness – some form of discipline would have been called for. And, as my children will no doubt attest, I am in no way opposed to discipline. But isn’t it important to find out the facts and to understand the motivation behind things before you actually judge those things and indeed the person doing them?

And that is the point isn’t it? To a lot of people what they would have seen was simply a fire extinguisher. But to me, a young lad complete with an inquiring mind and yet with the absence of the filters that many others seemed to have, I saw a device which I needed to understand the mechanics of. Why? Because I simply see things differently and had a hunger to understand things.

And isn’t mental illness or poor mental health sometimes similar to that? Don’t those of us who have it sometimes – if not often – see things differently, perceive and understand things differently?

If we are ever to bring about what we term as a ‘healing’ or ever to truly help those of us who have mental illness or poor mental health don’t we first have to realize and accept this. And having done so isn’t it important that those who don’t see, perceive or understand things in the way we do, try to understand, to catch a glimpse of, our perception. Isn’t it important that they look beyond the behaviours or the comments or the attitudes and try to find the person, the people, behind them and to see things from our eyes.

Because how else are they ever going to be able to truly and fairly judge?

And isn’t it important to understand that maybe, just maybe, sometimes they are the ones who have it wrong? After all, doesn’t history show us that many of the greatest minds and greatest discoveries and advances mankind has made have arisen out of seeing things, thinking things, approaching things, differently?

Much is made about the stigma attached to mental illness and I absolutely agree that this stigma is so very wrong. But that stigma, much like the damage that was done in the situation of the young boy I once was and the fire extinguisher, arises out of a misunderstanding and a failure to see that “different doesn’t necessarily mean wrong or broken.”

The ‘road to recovery’ is, I think, a very strange road. And it is also, in my experience, a road leading from a very strange places (or places). But I do, of course, also accept that it is also a road which is very personal and can be so very different for each and every person who needs to walk it.

For some it is a road trodden perhaps only once or even only a few times. Perhaps that need arises as a result of a single event or circumstance, and one which will never be repeated in their life. Hence there is no real need for them to return to it – to walk, (crawl, stumble, fall, repeatedly pick themselves up) again. For example, if a person breaks their leg, their ‘road to recovery’ (in this example) may be defined as working towards a point where their bones have mended and they can walk properly again.

But for others (especially in terms of mental health), that ‘road to recovery’ can be one which we regularly have to enter. For some, the ‘road to recovery’, is not one which stems from one single event or circumstance – one single place – but from a myriad of different events or places. And let’s be honest here, sometimes – for some of us – it isn’t a road leading to a place which is ideal but simply to a place which is more tolerable or more acceptable.

And that is one of the things about ‘recovery’ isn’t it? Very often it isn’t concrete or absolute. The truth is that each of us understands and defines ‘recovery’ differently, personally. And perhaps that is because each of us understands and defines our mental health differently and personally. And indeed for some it may seem as if they have spent most of their life camped out on that ‘road to recovery’.

And that can get so very tiring and demoralizing can’t it? Not only for those of us who repeatedly have to return to it, but also for those who love us and who have to witness us doing so.

And yet a lot of it is about perspective isn’t it? Yes, having to repeatedly return to the ‘road to recovery’ can be very demoralizing but the very fact that we have returned to it means that we have – at least – left the place we were in. That we have – at least – come through our latest episode.

For me personally that is where I am as I sit and write this post this morning. And in that one recognition there is hope to be found. Hope which, I have to be honest, I didn’t have when I was in that dark place before. Hope that I didn’t think I would ever have again whilst I was in that place before.

And that is what seems, I think, so very important. You see in the darkness, in the confusion, in the hopelessness which often accompanies and signifies the episodes that I experience as a result of my mental health I seem to have little to no control and thus little to no choice when it comes to seeing and grasping hold of any hope. My mind – or at least the mental illness – increasingly takes over, pulling a deep. dark, heavy blanket of confused nothingness over me. And – depending on how quickly (or often how sneakily) it does so – I, and the battle, seem lost.

But this side of it all, I get to make the decisions. I get to have a say. I get to make the choices. And I refuse, whilst I have the strength and the mental where-with-all, to surrender that hope which is so very important to us all.

So yes I am on that road to recovery again and yes I still walk it with hope. Yes, I may need to walk some of it on my knees, and yes I may stumble and fall along the way. But I know which way I am heading and I know that I do not walk it alone.

I am so very blessed and so very grateful for those who have helped me back onto this road. And I am so very blessed by and grateful for those who are willing to walk, if only in part, this road with me or to encourage me along it.

How long I need to be on it, indeed where it will take me – this side of eternity – I just don’t know. But I am so thankful to be on it once more and I am so thankful for my faith and that hope.

Somewhere in the wee small hours of the night (more like very early morning really). Within the troubled yoyoing of being asleep and being awake which played with me all night last night, a questioned formed within my mind and then simply sat there defiantly until I paid it some attention.

My thoughts often do that – not leaving me until I have at least acknowledged them and walked a little, down what ever path they seek to take me.

And this one came in the form of a question which simply would not, has not gone. That question (as the title of this post would suggest) was, “What if you were to dress your thoughts?”

I seem to remember that when I was a child my older sister had paper dress up games. She would have a figure – which would be a push-out or cut out piece of cardboard and some pictures of different clothing – complete with fold over tabs – and she could use each clothing to make different outfits for the cardboard figure.

And when I first decided to actually give some sort of attention to the defiant question in my mind that is what I first thought of.

Of course I then lay there – awaiting the next sporadic visit of sleep – wondering just what I would ever want to dress my thoughts for? (Did I mention that my thoughts often desire for me to acknowledge them and walk a little, down what ever path they seek to take me?)

“Not all your thoughts.” I determined, somewhere along the line. “Just the repetitive, recurring, harmful thoughts.” And certainly that made a little more sense to me. Because perhaps in the process of doing so it would reveal something to me?

We all have those internal dialogues don ‘t we? Those recurring thoughts that somehow wont go away? And is it not true that for some of us – with poor mental health – these harmful repetitive recurring thoughts play into and impact our mental health?

So what if we were to dress them? What if we were to take each of them, in turn, and to find; an outfit, a clothing, an identity, which suited them?

For me personally, so many of my internal dialogues are – due to my mental illnesses – mixed up with the seemingly external dialogues that I hear. But there are some which are evidently internal in origin and which are recurring and repetitive and which evidently do cause harm to my mental health. Indeed, I have to ask myself – since my mind was so insistent that I considered this whole thing – if clothing them would bring them some clarity?

So what if I were to ‘dress’ them? What if I were to find an outfit which suited them? Could finding an outfit which seemed right for them (Individually I mean) actually help me to identify where they originated? And indeed, if I knew where they originated from, would I be better equipped to address them? To dismiss them if they were unjust or unfair or to learn from them if they were justified?

I have to be honest with you. The way my mind is at the moment I am not sure I am even thinking rationally but it is something that does interest me.

As a Christian I am particularly mindful of the scripture in 2 Corinthians 10:5 which basically tells us to “Take captive every thought” and yes I am paraphrasing there.

But it is a real encouragement given to all Christians and one which does link directly into what I have been considering.

Perhaps in dressing the thought I am giving the thought the identity of it’s origin and thus can see it more clearly and can therefore take it ‘captive’.

Certainly the very idea of taking all the thoughts, internal and external dialogues, etc captive and stopping their free run of havoc within my mind seems so very appealing right now.

And who knows perhaps I, and my mind would even be able to get some sleep!

Do you like the title of this post? I hope you do or that, if nothing else, it has pricked your interest enough for you to read on. But I want to make it very clear from the ‘get go’ that it is not one of my lines or a statement of my own construction. (Although it could very well be.)

It is instead a line from a ‘button poem’ written by Sabrina Benaim and you can ( and I truly hope you will) view her reciting this poem in the YouTube video below.

I sat at my desk this morning just flicking through my Facebook page and came across a video about a homeless man who was given money to buy himself stuff but who then, instead of simply keeping it, used that money to buy food for others. (You have probably already see it as I believe it went viral and got a lot of media attention.)

Anyway, once that video had finished, I noticed another one which caught my eye – the Sabrina Benaim one entitled ‘Explaining My Depression To My Mother’ and I decided to click on and watch that.

I love all things ‘arty’ and write poetry myself and since the subject matter was mental health/mental illness it was of course of great interest to me. And I am so glad that I did watch it and I am delighted to be able to share it with you now.

Depression – the subject of the poem (and that which Sabrina was trying to explain to her mother) – hits those of us who experience it or duffer from it in different ways. And trust me, although I am a Christian with a very strong faith, I know only too well just what havoc it (and indeed other forms of mental illness) can reek in a person’s life.

I also know, first-hand, just how confusing it’s presence (in a believer’s life) can be to other Christians. And indeed the conversation which Sabrina has formed into her poem is not unique. And it is perhaps because of my faith that that one line – which I have used as the title of this blog – leapt out at me and resonated with me so clearly.

Of course, my mind – which all too often behaves like a four year old being set free and unsupervised in a candy store (sweet shop), running all over the place grabbing and unwrapping and devouring things – has already started to take me down a whole plethora of different thought processes and deliberations as a result of the poem and indeed as a result of that one line.

But that (exploring those thought processes and trying to bring my mind back into line) is something I will attend to once I have finished this post. But to give you some idea of said thought processes here are just a few of them:

“Can one baptise one’s self?” “Does such an ‘ocean of happiness’ even exist?” “Is faith meant to give us happiness?” “Is ‘happiness’ even the right word or is it ‘joy’ that we need?” “And indeed what are the differences?” “And hey, even with that ‘joy’ do we experience, are we meant to experience, oceans of happiness?” “Does anyone truly experience oceans of happiness?”

Of course all of those (and trust me there are many more) are linked to my faith and not the purpose or focus of Sabrina’s poem. But isn’t that how our minds work? Often taking things – the actions and statements of others and making them, shaping them, filtering and receiving them, in a way which is personal to us?

So I close this post (and wander off to my mental journey of deliberations and reflections) with the video of Sabrina reciting her poem (And I commend and thank Sabrina for her bravery in making and publishing it, or allowing it to be published) and I invite you to comment on what it said, how it spoke, to you…

I wonder what Christmas means or (given that it is now December 29th) what it was like for you?

For me personally Christmas is usually a time of conflict and duality.

Conflict and duality which comes from a) my heart-felt desire, as a Christian, to celebrate the Saviour’s birth (and yes I know it didn’t really happen at this time of year or on December 25th – but this is the time of year and the day when a lot of mankind chooses to celebrate it and I am ok with that) against b) the other side of me which is that I really am very uncomfortable around people. And Christmas is one of the times of year when there is a great expectation that we will spend time with others.

Normally I choose to, and can usually get away, with spending Christmas on my own and pretty much not (apart from church services and buying immediate family members presents etc) even really acknowledging it’s existence. (How’s that for earning extra Grinch or Scrooge points?)

And yes I am fully aware that some folk will be horrified at the idea that someone would actually want to spend Christmas alone pretty much ignoring it’s presence. But to you folk – who I am sure are good folk with legitimate concerns – all I can say is try to look beyond your own experiences and all the tinsel and baubles and try to imagine what it is like for those of us who suffer from mental illness and for whom social gatherings really are uncomfortable, even threatening. And try, if you will, to imagine just how much additional stress or pressure such a festive holiday full of expectations can place on us.

And the truth is that I am by no means against Christmas, nor indeed am I a Grinch or a Scrooge – although I admit I do do a very good impersonation of both.

Actually I love Christmas. I just recognise the fact that I just don’t do well with the additional pressure that often comes with it.

And this in itself poses us (those of us with mental illness and who do not do well in social situations) with a problem. Do we simply refuse to get involved and seek the familiar sanctuary of isolation? Or do we venture out of our comfort zone – our personal safety bubbles – and get involved as others seem so intent on having us do?

This year (unlike previous years) I relented and accepted the very kind invitation of Sinead – a friend from church and my carer – and went and stayed with her family for a few days over the Christmas period. And in fact I even agreed to accept her and her husband’s invitation to stay an extra night.

And in the interest of honesty and objectivity I have to admit that I really did have a lovely time and that none of it was ‘too much’ for me to handle. And I make that statement not only in testament to Sinead and Tony and their family and how loving and caring they are, but also as an encouragement to others (who may have similar difficulties as me) and to say that sometimes it can work and can very much be worth while.

That is not to say that there weren’t associated difficulties. All of which I accept came from within me and none of which being as a result of anything anyone else did or didn’t do, said or didn’t say.

I find that I am mentally exhausted at the moment. Quietly dealing with the voices and the internal dialogues whilst trying not to negatively impact anyone else’s Christmas can (I assure you) be very draining. During the day – with the activities and conversations and even the distraction available in the company of others – I found that I was very much able to cope. But at night time, when alone in my room – the mind had a field day and did what it could to sabotage it all.

And additionally, when I returned home, the very first thing I wanted to do was to keep everyone else out. And additionally I have an extreme need (or perhaps it is just an extreme desire) to completely isolate for a while. Something which I was aware of even before I came home, and so decided not to even attend church yesterday.

And yes I recognise that isolating it not a good thing and again I want to emphasise that none of this is as a result of anything anyone else did or said and that I do truly believe that it was worth it.

But that can be the nature of mental illness can’t it?

Even when we feel we have achieved some victory, some progress over it, it can come back at us with vengeance. Even trying to rob us of what achievements or victories we may have just had.

As I said, I am extremely grateful for the Christmas I was able to share this year and I really did enjoy it and have a lovely time. And I am convinced that it was totally worth it. And I would encourage others to think very hard about actually trying to reach out beyond the comfort zone.

But we need to do so being very mindful that there is no doubt a cost involved in this and that we (both those of us with mental illness and those who are caring for us, or encouraging us to go beyond our comfort zones) have to be very careful.

Comfort zones are not always a good thing. And I will even go as far as to recognise and acknowledge that sometimes they are a very unhealthy thing.

BUT, I do so in the strict understanding that I also know – from very real first-hand experience – that sometimes, just sometimes, our comfort zones are an absolute must if we are to survive.

I am extremely grateful for the opportunity and the encouragement to have stepped outside of mine this Christmas. But with the New Year festivities fast approaching, and the way I am at the moment, I am also very grateful that my comfort zone is still available to me 🙂

Friday morning and these flu symptoms are still kicking my butt. But at least I managed to get some sleep last night. So this morning, complete with early morning coffee, meds and glucose tester I am determined to get some things done today. Including answering today’s question in the “Questions To A Parent With Mental Illness” Challenge which my daughter has set me.

Good morning honey,

Of the last three questions – this one and the previous two – which have all been directly connected to each other. This one is the one which is probably going to require the longest and most complex answer. And I recall mentioning, in my last answer, how I would explain more concerning your question yesterday, within my response to today’s question.

The reason for this was that ‘how you love me’, and ‘how I allow you to love me’ are very much related and will and do very much therefore have a bearing on each other.

So let’s establish some basic facts that I feel we will both easily agree on.

The fact that you love me is clear.

The fact that I love you is also clear.

The fact that I have mental illnesses is also clear.

And those three facts are clear and cannot be denied. But from then on it all gets a little complicated doesn’t it? Hence your questions. None of the last three questions – this one and the previous two – question whether we love each other. What they question is the way in which that love does or is allowed to show itself.

And it is here where my mental illnesses come into play.

Throughout my answers to these questions, indeed throughout this blog, I have often referred to different alternate worlds, different alternate realities, which are created by my mental illnesses.

I have, within that analogy, tried to explain how you and I both share a common world, or a common reality – when my mental health is good. But how there is an alternate world, an alternate reality, which you and I cannot share and which I experience when my mental health is bad.

And of course how true or relevant that is, is directly dependant on a sliding scale according to how bad my mental health is at any given time.

When I was a young boy, my sister went away on a school trip – to Austria or Switzerland, or both, I really don’t remember. But amongst the gifts that she brought home for us all was a small wooden ‘weather house’.

It hung on the wall in the hallway of my family home for years and consisted of a little wooden house containing two little figures at either end of and joined together via a little pivoted platform. (see picture)

In good weather the little lady came forward and out of the little wooden house, and in bad weather the little man came forward and out of the little wooden house. And since they are connected on either end of a pivoted platform the further the little lady came outside of the little wooden house, the further back into the little wooden house the little man went. And of course the opposite was also true. So the further out the little man came the further back in the little lady went. And naturally if the little lady was halfway in the little wooden house and halfway out of it, so too was the little man.

So if you consider those two states – the one outside of the little wooden house as being one world, one reality, (the world and reality you and I both share). And the other state (within the little wooden house) as being the world or reality created by my mental illness – you will have a better understanding of how it works.

Because putting it into the most simplistic of terms, this is how it does work with my mental health. The more prominent, the more dominant – the further ‘out’ my mental illnesses are, the less prominent, the less dominant – the further ‘in’ (to that alternate world or reality), I am.

And this therefore means that very often what you are dealing with – and therefore what or who you are interacting with or more importantly trying to love – is directly dependant on who (or what) is more dominant at that time.

And this is an important factor honey because it effectively changes your question from the fairly simple “How do you think your mental illness affects the way you allow me to love you?” to a far more complex “How do you think your mental illness affects the way you allow me to love you, or are able to allow me to love you?“

And honey it really is so vitally important to me that you can understand this and also that you know this. Because all wrapped up in the question of my not allowing you to love me, is a possibility of your experiencing a level of rejection or lack of trust from me. And honey I so very much want for you never to take ownership of those feelings or thoughts as they aren’t true.

So, if you can grasp the fact that my mental illnesses affect my ability to even be me, and thus my ability to allow you to love me, then that removes so very much of those potential feelings of rejection or those potential feelings of my not trusting you.

It really is so very hard to explain honey, and I apologize if I have made a mess of explaining it. But I really do hope that you can at least understand some of what I am trying to explain here. Because the next part is even more important and even more complex in so many ways.

How far or how deep into that other (mental illness created) world or reality I am, indeed even how quickly or traumatically I entered into it, will not only have a direct bearing on how aware I am of the reality or world you and I normally share, but also on how I view that shared world or reality.

I think what has to be remembered here honey, as hard as it may be to understand, is that paranoia is a big part of my mental illness. And this can totally corrupt the way in which I perceive or view people. The fact is that they either don’t belong, or I don’t want them to be a part of my mental illness created world or reality. They are part of that other (shared) world or reality and my mental illness created world or reality is telling me, convincing me, that not only do I not belong in that (shared) world but that you do not belong in this world. Additionally – since this alternate mental illness created world or reality is full of confusion, pain and torment – my love for you desperately wants to keep you out of this alternate world or reality.

I hope that this makes sense to you honey? And I hope that it hasn’t upset you too much. An honey I so very much want you to hold on to the positives and the hope that really is there despite all of this.

I said earlier that how far or how deep into that other (mental illness created) world or reality I am, indeed even how quickly or traumatically I entered into it, has a direct effect on how I perceive our normal shared world or reality. But honey they also affect who I am and how I react within that world. So with love, with gentleness, patience and understanding and with care it is possible to bring me out of that alternate world (or reality) back into our shared world or reality.

And honey that love, that: gentleness, patience, understanding and care is so very important. Remember that to me, in my mental state and alternate reality, your shared world is scary. My mind is telling me that I don’t belong to your shared world and sometimes I am convinced that not only have I already messed up, but that I cannot cope or possibly won’t even be able to survive in that world.

And honey I really do recognise that keeping; gentle, patient, understanding and loving can be such a difficult thing for a loved one who is so frustrated with what is happening and really doesn’t fully understand. But what you have to remember is that any anger, any frustration, any stress that you display actively works against my wanting to come back to that world. And additionally, and very importantly, it changes you from being someone reaching into my alternate world to contact me into someone invading my alternate world in order to attack me.

OK. Honey I am extremely mindful that this has already been a very long answer to your question. But it really does mean so very much to me not only that you have some understanding of what happens to me when I have an episode, but also that you understand that any reluctance or seeming lack of trust on my part is actually my mental health and not me or you and thus not a rejection of you.

And there is something else that it is so very important that I say before closing this answer to today’s question…

In our shared world – our shared reality, I love you so very much and I trust you completely. You are my child, my daughter, and I want so very much to be here for you and to show my love to you. And yes honey, even when I am falling into that alternate world – that alternate reality, I love you and I trust you. But as I fall into that alternate world my ability to love you, to be there for you, even to recognise you starts to decrease and to fade.

By opening up to you now. By sharing what that other mental illness created world is like, I am demonstrating my love to you and my trust to you. But even more than that honey, I am trying to open that world up to you and to allow you to find a way into that world and to find me. To find me when I am so unable to find, to even want to find a way back on my own.

My mental health affects the way I allow you to love me in many ways when I am in our shared world honey. I have, for example, had to accept that I can’t always be there for you and that there are also times when I need for you to be there for me. I have had to open up and admit my weaknesses and my inabilities. Something which comes hard to a dad. Well, certainly to this dad.

But. as I hope I have explained, my mental health also sometimes affects my very ability to allow you (or anyone) to love me. And honey, at times like these it isn’t about my allowing, it is about my needing. And it is about your simply having to take control and to do what is right for me. Even and especially when I don’t understand or know what is right for me.

Monday morning and I am up fairly early as I have a busy day today but really wanted to blog and to publish this post before I went out.

I am, as I mentioned yesterday, aware that my mental health might be slipping a little and so I am keen to keep to my routine as much as possible. And I am keen to answer today’s question from my daughter in the “Questions To A Parent With Mental Illness” Challenge…

Hi Honey,

Well I have to tell you that I am not liking today’s question very much 🙂

Don’t get me wrong honey, it is a good question and one well worth asking. But I think that for any good parent the thought of their child having mental illness instead of them is never a good thought. And nor should it be. Even if you are all grown up now and so very competent and capable.

But, as much as I don’t like the thought, it is a question that you have asked and so it is a question that I will answer.

I think honey, that I would want to ask you so many of the questions that you have asked me – or at least variations of them. They are so insightful and so relevant. And can easily be adapted to make them relevant to a parent-child relationship rather than a child-parent relationship. So yes honey, so many of your questions to me would also be the ones I would want to ask of you.

Additionally, I would, out of my love for you, need to understand your mental illness or at least to try to. When did it start? How did it start? How does it present itself? How does it make you feel? What medication are you on? What therapy or support are you receiving? There are so many questions and I recognize that some of them you may not be able to answer or may not even willing to answer. And honey I would need to be so very careful to recognize my own needs in this and not allow them to ride rough-shot over your needs.

Additionally my initial urge, my initial reaction would be to want to ask you every day, “How are you doing?” But then I am very mindful that this could get tedious for you and might, at times, make you feel as if I didn’t trust you or didn’t think you could cope. Which of course is not the motivation behind or the reason for the question. But trust me, sometimes it can seem like that if someone repeatedly asks you the same thing.

And then there are the deeper, longer things I would want to ask you. Or perhaps it is more accurate to say that I would want to ask of you…

I would want to ask you to try, with all your might, never to see yourself as ‘damaged’ or ‘worthless’. And yes honey, mental illness – and also the way that some people react to it – can sometimes lead us towards that kind of thinking.

And never to take your diagnoses on as your identity. I cannot even begin to tell you how many folk I have known who have done all they could to live beyond their mental illness until the day they were given a diagnosis. And it is as if from that point on they simply accepted that this is who they were and so seem to live out the label they have been given.

I would want to ask you to do your best to keep communicating with me. And to allow me to try to keep communicating with you. No matter how hard things may get. No matter how dark things may seem. I would so want for us to keep communicating with each other. And so I would also want to ask you to allow me to always communicate with you. I really do believe that this is so important honey. And my experience is that this can be the very lifeline that saves us from ourselves sometimes.

And that brings me to the last and most important thing that I would want to ask you honey…

And that is for you to do your very best – no matter how hard things get or how dark things may seem – to try to always remember and hold on to the fact that you are my daughter and that I love you.

I would want so very much for you to accept my words when I told you that although mental illness can sometimes change how we see ourselves and others, indeed how we are able to experience or accept that we are loved. You truly are and always will be loved.

And honey I would always try to love you as much in the worlds and circumstances that your mental illness may at times present, as I love you outside of those worlds.

I know what mental illness can do – well partly at least – and I know that tragic effect that it can sometimes have on relationships. I also know – first hand – how it can completely corrupt the way we see ourselves and also on the way that we perceive others as seeing us.

But honey the presence of Mental Illness in your life doesn’t and never would stop you from being my daughter, from being my child, and it would never stop me from loving you. Even if it does sometimes make that love harder for you to feel or feel me to express in a way that it reaches you.

One of the things that you have always done honey, and which has always blessed me the most. Is to see me your father and not just the mental illness or even a man with mental illness.

So I would want so much to ask – if you were to have the mental illness instead of me – that you try always to know that I will always see you, my precious child, and not just the mental illness and not just a young woman with mental illness.

So those are the questions that I would ask you honey. But I will also tell you this honey. The question I will always ask our Father in heaven is that this scenario never comes to be and that you never have to face mental illness. And I give thanks that you haven’t had mental illness.

With all my heart.

Daddy.

(For those who are really observant, yes I did start this post by saying it was Monday morning and that I had a really busy day today but really wanted to blog and to publish this post before I went out. And yes it is now Tuesday morning and I am only just now getting to publish this post. Apologies for that. Whilst I had intended to finish and publish this blog post before I went out yesterday morning, other things got in the way.)

Well it would appear that my mental health has been declining a little of late, and I hadn’t noticed. Sometimes that happens and the first I became aware of it was when a thought came into my head that actually I hadn’t written anything on this blog – or more specifically that I had stopped answering my daughters questions within the “Questions To A Parent With Mental Illness” Challenge that she had set me.

As I say, sometimes that happens and I lose huge chunks of time when I seem to simply zone out and function without really functioning properly. I apologize for that and, now that I am aware of it, I can keep an eye on it.

I can also, of course, get back to answering my daughter’s questions…

Hi Honey 🙂

I think, given the subject matter of this question, that this answer is probably going to be fairly short.

But first please accept my apologies for the delay in answering it. I think I explained the reason for this in my introduction above. But I do want to apologize for not having answered this sooner. And I also want to assure you that it is by no means down to any lack of interest on my part.

So, the above having been said, to answer your question.

I guess quite logically, the answers to the question, “What are some of the things that you (I) do which affect your (my) mental health positively” will be the opposites of those things which I do that affect my mental health badly.

Pacing myself. (Or rather trying to learn to) Trying not to do too much at once. Taking regular breaks etc.

Socializing more. Getting out of the house, going into town more, shopping, attending church events and meetings. Sinead (my carer) is a wonderful blessing in this respect. She often encourages me into going out and this really does help.

And then of course there are additional ones – not directly or conversely linked to those I mentioned in my answer to your last question.

And the first of these would be routine and structure. I find that having a routine and a structure to my day, and thus my week, is so helpful for my mental health. It really affords me a good baseline from which to function. It also, as is the case I mentioned within my introduction, affords me a fairly good and quick indicator when things start to slip with my mental health.

Additionally it limits any potential damage and affords a better foundation for recovery and repair after any episodes.

And so those would be the main “tangible” things that I do and which affect my mental health positively.

And then there are the less tangible or noticeable ones but which are also so very important.

Having and maintaining – wherever possible – healthy and positive relationships. I actively avoid relationships which are too demanding or which are controlling or negative by nature or content. And I think that this is an important one for all of us, regardless of any mental health issues.

There are in life, folk who seem to want to control us or whose input into our lives seem, in the main, critical or negative. This has a negative effect on us and can be extremely draining on us. This means that we are faced with three basic options. 1) Allow it to continue – thereby enabling or empowering that behaviour, 2) Try to change it – thereby addressing and improving that behaviour, or 3) Walk away from it – thereby removing the harmful effects of that behaviour.

Personally I always first try to consider if I have caused or am causing that behaviour. I then try to understand it and see if I can help in any way. Sometimes this behaviour is ‘learned’ or appears necessary to the person doing it. And if I cannot then sadly sometimes you just have to walk away in order to protect your own mental health and often other relationships as this kind of thing can be quite cancerous in nature.

What we take in to our lives. What we expose ourselves to. Can have a very real impact on us honey. And so, because of my mental health issues, I am – as you know – very careful about this with regard to most things. The kind of music that I listen to, the medications that I take, the food that I eat – although I admit that is a recent addition to my list. The kind of television programs that I watch and when I actually watch them. The books that I read. The kind of websites that I visit and even the blogs that I choose to read on a regular basis.

And I am not only talking about morals or this being done as a result of my faith here honey. This applies generally across the board and especially in respect of my mental health. But and this is important honey, the absence of any mental health issues does not remove our need to be cautious here. I think if a lot of us were to seriously audit and consider what we expose ourselves to and to adopt a healthier approach to this, we would be a lot better off.

For me personally all of these things are important. And I would also add a couple more things which I do and which affect my mental health positively…

Writing – my books, my poetry and my blogs. All provide me with a creative outlet. And also afford me a way of processing and communicating what is happening to me. Additionally they afford me with a sense of purpose and a way in which I can live out my faith, Whilst I am very keen to ensure that this blog for example focuses on Mental Health and Mental Illness, I write it not only for my own sake but in the hope that it will help others. And helping others is, after all, a key aspect of my faith.

My art – Drawing, sketching, painting, sculpting (although I don’t do a lot of sculpting nowadays) are again all creative outlets and again afford me with a way of expressing myself, a way of communicating what is happening with me. And they seem to bring joy to a lot of people. And I really am blessed by that.

So there you have them honey. Some of the things (actually the main things) that I do which affects my mental health positively. I hope that answers that question for you and I hope that others will get something out of this answer too.

And honey, I know that I haven’t included my faith – going to church, praise and worship, studying my bible, or praying etc. – very much in my answer. And as you know these are all extremely important to me and yes they all very much bless me and affect my mental health positively.

But as I said above, I am keen that this blog focuses on mental health and mental illness and is not incorrectly thought of by others as just a way in which I can evangelize or spread my faith.

Again, I am sorry for the delay in answering this question honey. I am aware that my mental health has slipped slightly over the past few days and I am trying to address that and to keep an eye on it.

Of all the questions that you have asked me thus far, I think this one has generated the most immediate response or reaction within me.

Not only because of the social injustice that all too often goes along with the applying of labels – especially when it comes to mental illness and mental health, but also because it involves you, one of my children.

Not that I think that you cannot handle it honey. I know you well enough to know that you can indeed handle these things. And, knowing you, that you will set people right if the label is inappropriate and you think it is worth doing. But I think every worthwhile parent would be concerned to think that their child or children was hearing potentially harmful or unjust stuff about them.

And that statement in itself, having just typed and re-read it, does cause my thoughts (as so many things do with my mind) to go off on an interesting tangent…

Nowhere within your question have you even indicated that those labels – which you have heard people putting on me – were in anyway negative. I have simply assumed that they are negative and inappropriate. And I have done that, I think, because that is what so often happens when it comes to mental health or mental illness.

And isn’t it so very tragic that this should be the natural assumption or conclusion reached when someone mentions labels in respect of mental illness?

The plain simple truth is honey that you kids probably know me better than any other person on earth. So I am confident that you will have, by now, formulated your own opinions of me and are more than able to filter out any wrongful impressions implied or applied as a result of any labels that people choose to put on me.

But of course, part of the reason for that is that you are now all adults. So I have to be honest with you honey, part of me wonders if you have witnessed some of these labels being applied earlier in your life. And I wonder what their impact would have been then? Perhaps when you didn’t have the life skills or maturity to look beyond the labels or to be able to filter out any that were not justly applied?

See that’s the thing about labels isn’t it. We all too often simply accept them and so they all too often stop us looking or thinking any further. Unless of course that label happens to peak our curiosity – perhaps because it seems to be misplaced or perhaps because it is a new label and we don’t recognize it.

And how do we know that they are wrongly applied unless we look further, unless we look beyond the label? Unless we actually take time to consider or to see what is within that thing or within that person who is being labelled?

And here’s the deal honey. There is no single label that you will ever find which will adequately or comprehensively explain all that is within me, or within you, or within anyone else for that matter. So when it comes to people, even if the label fits, it will never be enough.

As you know, I have three canisters next to my kettle. One is labelled ‘Sugar’, one ‘Tea’, and one ‘Coffee’. And those labels are adequate and applicable because almost always (unless I have had a particularly bad episode and filled one of them with something else) whenever you go to one of them you will generally always and only find in them what the label on the outside indicates you will find. The labels in this case are not a bad thing and they serve a purpose.

But people aren’t like that. No matter what label we apply – banker, teacher, sales-clerk, pilot, plumber, electrician, mother, father, son, daughter – they are never enough to adequately or comprehensively describe the person behind the label.

Honey, you are my child, my daughter. But you are so much more than both of those things and so much within these things…

You are; my child ( well my grown-up child), my daughter, a friend, a confidant, a soul-mate, a joy, loving, kind, considerate, compassionate, caring, a delight, an encourager, an inspiration, a blessing, a strength, a hope, a comfort, a happiness bringer, a frustration bringer (well sometimes you are 🙂 ), a hope bringer, a laughter bringer, a peace bringer, an emotion generator, a contentment giver, a challenge and a challenger.

In so many ways you complete me, and in so many ways you draw more out of me, and in so many ways you inspire yet more to come. But honey even with that long list of things that you are to me, it still seems inadequate and incomplete.

Why? Because there is no label that can adequately or comprehensively say all of those things or express who you are to me. And no label which can adequately or comprehensively include all of those things as well as what you are to your husband, your friends, your work colleagues, etc. etc.

So how does the fact that you sometimes hear people putting labels on me make me feel?

It makes me feel kind of sad honey. Sad for anyone who thinks that by sticking a label on me they can adequately or comprehensively describe me. And sad for anyone who sees or hears that label and who doesn’t take time to look beyond it.

And sad if this happened at a time when you were not able to see and know all of these things and if they caused you any kind of distress.

Over the past few days, I have been tidying and rearranging my study. De-cluttering being a large part of that process and I am delighted with the results. So I sit this morning in a nice, tidy, clutter-free study, Early morning cup of coffee at the ready, medication taken and blood-sugar levels checked.

Well honey, that is a very interesting question. But I have to tell you that it seems to me that you already have a few of my traits and some of my personality.

Now I am not sure if that is such a good thing. LOL But I do already see some in you and, as you know, you and I have both commented on these before.

I also have to tell you, because it is worth mentioning here on this blog, that something very much related to this really struck me, a little while after you coming home after being away for so long.

And that was just how much impact and influence that we parents actually have on our children without our even really being conscious of it at times.

Honey, I think every good parent seeks to influence their children’s development and to do things like; setting them on the right path in life, teaching them right from wrong, establishing self-worth, security and confidence within them. And yes of course I have tried to do these things as a parent. But these are deliberate and intentional. And because of this we are mindful of them and keep a check on them and how successful they are within the child.

But a child often learns character traits and personality from their parent or parents without either one really being mindful of it. And so when it happens I think it often goes either unnoticed or unmentioned – apart from a casual comment here or there.

But your having been away for so long, and then returning home. And your having similar character and personality traits to me really did demonstrate to me and strike me just how much we do influence our kids.

And I say that not in order to take anything away from you, or to blow my own trumpet, but because I think it is especially worth remembering when mental illness or poor mental health is involved. And because I am just so grateful that so many of the negative things that I associate with myself and my mental health do not seem top be present in you.

And honey, I have to tell you that when it comes to parenting I am convinced that one of my principal roles has never been to raise you kids to be mini-me’s but to be the children and adults who you were always meant to be. To, within reason, allow you to develop your own characters and personalities, instead of forcing mine on you.

[And before you bring it up, yet again LOL. No I am not saying that this means I should have allowed you to dye your hair purple, how you wanted to, when you were 15.]

But I need, I think, to turn to answering your question with specifics. And honey, sometimes it is difficult to think that any of my personality or character are worth anyone having. But I recognize that as being part of my problems with self-worth and part of my mental illnesses and so I will share but two with you…

My sense of humour. Perhaps not in exactly the same way as mine, but certainly to have one.

I think this is such an important thing honey. And interestingly enough the other evening I was flicking through the television channels and came across an old episode of QI on the Dave Channel. During this episode (I think it originally aired in October 2006) Stephen Fry made a couple of interesting statements. (Actually many, but these two struck me.)

The first was this… He (Stephen Fry) asked, “What illness do British doctors now treat more than any other? And of course there were the usual candidates offered up by way of a possible answer… Dental care, Cancer, Flu, An unidentified niggle, Pregnancy, Dermatitis. But the answer was Depression and Stephen Fry went on to say that three million, one hundred thousand people suffer with this every year. Which is a staggering figure I think.

The second was during the ensuing conversation about depression both, bipolar and unipolar. Sean Lock asked the question, “Do depressed people minded what you call them?” (I really dislike the construct of that question) but Stephen Fry answered it in this way..

“Um, generally speaking not, to be honest. One of the great advantages, certainly of manic depression, is sense of humour. Kind of keeps you going…”

And honey I have to agree with him. A sense of humour is so important and I have often wondered if, were I not to have my mental illnesses, would I have such a keen sense of humour.

So honey yes, one of the character and personality traits that I would want to pass on to you would be a sense of humour.

And the second character or personality traits that I would like to pass on to you is: Caring for others.

I truly believe that caring for others should be a character trait which we should always encourage in our children. And I truly believe that we never always know just how much a little bit of caring – when shown to someone – can impact their lives.

Throughout my life I have tried to always be caring towards others. And interestingly enough very often that sense of humour has featured in my caring for others. Caring for someone really can be as simple as taking time to bring a little joy and laughter into their life at a time when things seem so dark and bleak to them.

There is often no greater way of demonstrating the value of someone then to take time to genuinely, lovingly, respectfully show that you care for them.

And honey I choose ‘caring for others’ not only because it forms such a big part of my faith but because I have always as long as I can remember cared for others. My mother often commented how, even as a kid, I was always bringing home ‘waifs and strays’.

So there you have them honey. The two main character and personality traits which I would like to pass on to you. Of course I would also very much like to pass on to you my faith honey, but a) you already have your own faith and b) I am not sure it technically qualifies as a character or personality trait.

But before I close, there is something else I want to add to this my response to your question and which is specific to both a sense of humour and to caring. And that honey, is to tell you that I already see so much of both within you.

You have such a wonderful and caring personality, such a good sense of humour and anyone who knows you can clearly see that. I have said it before and I will say it again honey. I am so very proud of you for the daughter, wife, woman you have become. And I love you dearly.

Well it is now day 13 and I have already got so much out of doing this “Questions To A Parent With Mental Illness” challenge. And I hope that those of you following this blog have also got something out of it also. For those who are new to the blog, you can find out more about this challenge by clicking on the link in red above. But basically every morning I answer a question – set by one of my daughters – to me about my mental illness.

So let’s have a look at today’s question…

My Darling Daughter,

Having only yesterday answered your question about how I think my mental health effects our family now. And, if I am honest, having felt that answer really didn’t say very much. I am pretty sure that my answer to today’s question will be more complex and far more difficult to write/type.

Actually, it has to be said, there have been times – within the journey that we are taking by doing this challenge – when I have seriously felt like not answering a question so openly here on this site, and emailing you the answer instead. And honey, I have to tell you, that this is one of those times when a private answer in email seems so much more preferable.

But we made the decision and commitment to do this openly and publicly and I want to respect that decision. So here goes. And I apologise right from the start if anything I tell you causes anyone any distress or discomfort.

If I am totally honest with you honey, I cannot think of a single time in my life when my mental illness have not in one way or another affected my relationships. Especially my relationships with my family. Be it in my earlier life – with my birth family, or later in life with the family that was created by my marriage. And yes honey there are of course, similarities in the ways that my mental illnesses impacted both of those families. Or at very least my relationships within them.

One of the most fundamental, tragic, harmful and damaging ways in which my mental illnesses have affected me is by almost totally removing my ability to believe that I truly belong. And honey I so very much want for you not to be saddened by what I tell you here.

But my mental illnesses have always caused me to feel outside of, disconnected from, alienated, and somehow partially but intrinsically removed from nearly every relationship I have ever had.

And actually you only have to scan through previous posts on this site (or through my poetry on the poetry site) to see how this has been a common theme. In fact, I did a whole series of posts (on this site) entitled “Of Roses, Walls and Towers…” (which you can find by going to the relevant ‘Contents M-Z‘ page’) all of which looked at this isolation and at relationships.

Honey it (along with other stuff) has even impacted my faith and my ability to fully see myself as a child of God. And interestingly this is something which I mentioned in Bible Study group at church on Monday evening, since I was leading a study on the Father-heart of God.

As you know honey – because I came clean about it and we discussed it – I had done my best to hide my mental illnesses for most of my life. And, as you know, I did my best to hide it from you kids right up until but a few years ago. But of course in hiding my mental illnesses I was also hiding the reasons behind some of my actions or my behaviours – behind why I was often distant from you kids. And even though I had noble and well intentioned reasons in mind in doing that, it simply caused you all to find alternative reasons. Reasons that sometimes so very wrongly told you that I didn’t care for you or love you. Or that I was disappointed in you or unhappy with you.

And honey I cannot even begin to adequately explain, or to adequately tell you, how deeply sorry I am for that. And for the damage that it did to our relationship for years. And yes also to other relationships within the family. To everyone in this family and to my marriage itself.

I recall so vividly the numerous times when I came home from work. Work that I spent so much time at not only because of the demands and pressures placed on me, but also because the more time I spent there, the less time I was at home and thus the less chance of any of you finding out about my mental illnesses. And I would simply stop at the front gate and stand looking in through our front window at Matthew and his mother playing together.

And times, even before that, when you were at home and Matthew was but a baby, and I would stand in the doorway to the lounge and watch you three talking, or playing, or joking around and again I saw in my mind that I didn’t belong as part of you all.

Times when I would be so totally over-whelmed with a deep conviction, a deep feeling, that I simply didn’t belong as part of that picture and that you would all be so much better off if I simply wasn’t around.

And honey I don’t tell you that to upset you, or to make you feel bad for me. I tell you that because it was those deep feelings, those deep thoughts, and the voices that echoed through my mind, through my pained confusion, telling me that I didn’t belong and that I shouldn’t be a part of those pictures – part of the very family unit which of course, in reality, I should be part of – which have caused so much effect on our family in the past.

Honey, I know that you kids have been upset by the way my marriage ended and the way that I was treated within that. But honey we also have to accept – as bad as the behaviours and actions of a certain person were – that even that was, to some degree or another, resultant from my mental illnesses and the way they affected me and thus all of you.

I can honestly say honey, hand on heart and without any doubt in my mind, that the single most harmful way in which my mental health has affected our family is how it (and my response to, or management of it) so very often stole me from you all and consequently all of you from me for so many years.

It is funny honey, funny ironical not funny haha, since I have so many issues with my memory how easily vivid recollections come to my mind of such times as the Christmas morning immediately after my breakdowns.

The Christmas morning when Matthew was but 9 years old (you were not at home for this) and how desperately he wanted and needed his father – who had effectively not come out of his bedroom for months – to have Christmas dinner with he and his mum. And I will never forget the look of joy on his face when I entered that kitchen that Christmas Day dinner time. Nor will I ever forget the look of pain, hurt, confusion and disappointment on his face when but moments later – having erupted with frustration, confusion and anxiety – I walked right out again.

Likewise I don’t think I will ever forget the words he spoke to me when, a few months after his mum had left us, I asked if he regretted his decision not to go with her but to stay with me and to look after me. “No. Never!” He answered resolutely. “I have finally got my Dad back.”

And honey – again I am saying this because it is relevant to the question and not in anyway to cause you discomfort – I don’t think I will ever forget the conversation that you and I had – not that long ago now – after your having been gone for so long. When you shared with me how all those years ago you had felt as if I was pushing you away, or had stopped caring about you. Something which simply wasn’t true and which (albeit admittedly along with other things) kept us out of each other’s lives for years.

The truth is that there are many ways how my mental health (and indeed my physical health) has effected our family honey. But of all of them, I believe that, the secrecy, the confusion and the resultant wrong conclusions and decisions, and my not being able to fully show my love for you kids – the children I loved most deeply – have been the biggest and the saddest ways.

Honey, I said at the start of this response that I felt that my answer to yesterday’s question didn’t say much really. And I said at the end of my answer to your question yesterday that I was “sure that I will have other thoughts on this question. And given its direct link to tomorrow’s question (yes, I admit it, I already sneaked a peak when checking out today’s question) I will probably cover more of this tomorrow.” And I was right honey.

Because honey when I look back at how my mental health has effected this family in the past, and I consider how we all approach it now and what little effect it seems to have on this family now. I am so very grateful that so much has changed. That is not to say that there still isn’t some previous damage which needs healing. But I am so very grateful that we are, at least, on the way to that recovery.

Day Eleven of the “Questions To A Parent With Mental Illness” challenge set for me by one of my daughters. And I have to be honest here, it is now 11pm and I am totally shattered after a very long sleepless weekend.

And yet I so want to keep up with this challenge and to not let it slip. In truth, no one will mind if I don’t answer today’s challenge today. But it is on my mind.

And at this point my daughter – the one who set the challenge – messaged to check up on me and insisted that I went to bed. So, if you are reading this and are a little confused as to what I have just written it and the fact that it is now technically day 12, it is because I got sent to bed. LOL

Good Morning Honey,

Well it is now morning (about 7am) and I have to tell you that I actually managed to get a proper night’s sleep for once. I have my coffee sat next to me, and I am looking forward to the day – even though I know that it is another busy day for me today.

So I thought I would try to answer yesterday’s question – which you wouldn’t allow to answer last night (pout) – and then, perhaps a little later, to look at today’s question.

So what about yesterday’s question…

I think the whole subject of talking about our mental illnesses can be one which a lot of us struggle with. And yes, honey, there have been times when I have found it difficult to talk to you (and your siblings) about it. But honey that has not always been because of you. Sometimes – very often – it is because of me.

Having mental illnesses – or more specifically the way in which they affect me – often frustrates me. And so, in many ways, when my mental health is good I guess I just don’t want to think about them or to be reminded of them. And of course, when my mental health is bad, I often can’t discuss them.

Additionally, and just as importantly, I think that there is a kind of conflict here.

Whilst we want and often need folk – especially our loved ones and those closest to us – to understand and acknowledge that we have mental illness (and thus sometimes this makes us do things and at other times stops us from doing things). We don’t, I believe, want to be identified by that mental illness, or its effects on us.

And likewise, (and I can only speak for myself here) I so very much want to have as ‘normal’ a relationship with you, and to be treated as ‘normally’ within that, as possible. Although I really dislike that word.

And then there is the way in which having mental illness – and again the things it does, or the way it makes us react or behave at time – impacts on those we love and care for.

I think that because I see how it can affect and impact those I love, I am sometimes reluctant to discuss my mental illness as I don’t want to be thought of as copping out. Or trying to distance myself from or my failing to acknowledge my responsibilities in what has happened.

And yes, honey, there is also the, ‘how can you understand what I myself don’t understand – so there’s no point discussing it really’ kind of thought pattern that can sometimes go on inside my head.

Honey, all of these things can go towards my finding it difficult to discuss my mental health, not only with you but with anyone. But there is something else which I think it is important that we acknowledge here, honey….

And that is that I truly believe that sometimes we don’t want to discuss our mental health because past experiences have taught us that discussing it, is just not a good thing and just doesn’t end well.

Times when we receive responses like…

“I really do think you just need to snap out of it. Everyone has problems.” or,

“Look, I know you have mental illnesses and yes that must be really tough on you. But they aren’t going to go away and no amount of talking will change that now will it?” or,

“Look, can’t we talk about this some other time? I mean, it’s not like your mental illnesses are going any where>”

And how about those times when the person you have discussed it with, uses it to make you the target of their jokes. Or then goes around telling everyone what a freak you are. Or times when something you have said is then later thrown back in your face later.

Honey, all of these things can go to making it difficult to talk about our mental illness. And it is perhaps worth mentioning that because mental illness can often intensify or magnify feelings or reactions. Having to deal with those things which I have just mentioned can be so incredibly difficult and they can have such a damaging effect on the mental health that we are trying so hard to keep stable.

All of these things – and of course the age old social stigma attached to mental illness – can lead as person with mental illness to be reluctant to discuss it honey. And all of those things have probably – in some way or another – contributed to why I personally sometimes find it difficult to discuss my mental health with you or with anyone else, for that matter.

I have spoken before in my answers about the sense of separation, even of alienation, that mental illness can bring to a person. And honey that is very true and so very real.

But honey, look at where this question came from. It came from a desire for you to know more. A desire to actually discuss my mental illnesses, to understand my mental illnesses in a positive and informative and healthy way. And I have to tel you honey, that this is so precious, so encouraging to me.

So, “Do I find it difficult to talk to you about my mental health?” No. I used to. But then you reached out and opened up a communication about it. And I could not even begin to express just how much that means to me.

Day Ten and having just checked this morning’s question in the “Questions To A Parent With Mental Illness” Challenge that my daughter has set me. I cannot even begin to imagine how I am going to choose or even how to answer the question…

But here goes…

My Darling Daughter,

I have to tell you, and I think it is worth saying – right from the outset. That I am really struggling with this question. And I really don’t know how I am going to answer it.

I think it was worth saying and right from the outset, because there is every possibility, in my struggles with this question, that those struggle will show in my answer. And so I am apologizing for this in advance.

My main struggle with this question is that the very thought of wishing any of my mental illnesses on someone else is so alien to me. And the idea of wishing any of them on any of my children, even grown up children as you all are now, simply doesn’t bear thinking about.

Honey, it is so completely counter-intuitive to me, to want any of my children to suffer even if it is for just one day. And trust me, a lot of parents will tell you how hard it can be at such as times having to take your child to the doctor for inoculations etc. Even though you knew that the suffering would be short and that it would benefit your child in the long run, it still wasn’t easy.

And yes I know that you are all grown up now and that you would only have that mental illness for but one day. But would you? Would that really be the end of it?

Honey, I am convinced (and trust me there is enough evidence to validate this conviction) that sometimes we can experience things in our lives which open doors in our mind which can be so very hard to close. For example, there are several mental health conditions which are trauma linked.

Likewise, I personally know of at least three people whose mental illness had presented itself as a result of trying non-prescription/illegal drugs when they were younger. One of them doing so only once.

The mind is an incredibly sensitive thing and we are all unique. And we all process and handle things in different ways which to some degree or another are unique to us individually.

And because we are all unique and process and handle things, what if you were to have my internal dialogues or even the voices? What if having those voices you responded in a totally different way to me and actually did as they suggest and seriously hurt yourself or even take your own life? Or what if in the process of trying to cope with having them you inadvertently walked out into traffic?

Honey, please understand that I am by no means suggesting that you would not cope as well as I do. It is just that whilst we do know how I cope – which after all is not very well at all at times. We don’t know how anyone else would cope until it happens to them. It is too big an unknown.

And so, within my mind, I cannot escape these thoughts, actually these fears. That by your temporarily experiencing one of my mental illnesses, it could possibly open up other things. Or do no end of lasting damage. And honey I would never want that for you. (Or for anyone else for that matter.)

And yet your question requires that I do consider this and do select one of my mental illnesses for you to experience. So, if I have to select one, and working on the basis that at the end of it you would be perfectly fine. Which one would I choose?

I think – providing that it would have no lasting damage, and providing that you would be totally safe throughout the process – it would have to be the paranoid schizophrenia. Although I am still very much struggling with the concept of you having it – even for a day – and even then would prefer a much shorter exposure.

Which brings me to the ‘why?’ part of your question. And I think that there are a number of reasons for this.

If I am going to even consider something as counter-intuitive as this then I would want for the benefits of such an exercise to justify the risks. (And yes I know this is only theoretical honey, but I have to come to terms with it in my mind, so bear with me 🙂 )

Of my mental illnesses, whilst there would no doubt be benefits from your experiencing such things as; the manic episodes, the emotional numbness or, the depressive episodes, there is a difficulty with this.

To fully understand what these are like, and possibly to get any real understanding of their impact or effect. Experiencing them for a day, would not (in my opinion) be enough. You would have to experience the longer term effects. The cycling that often happens. The continuous robbing of all motivation, enthusiasm or hope. Things like that.

Whereas to experience, even for a short while, the inner and external monologues and dialogues, and the paranoia which is part of my paranoid schizophrenia, would give you a much more realistic or accurate understanding.

So there you have it honey. My answer – as protracted and as confused as it may be. And I apologize for that. But honey, you have to understand the love that I have for you and just how difficult it was to even consider such a scenario.

I thank God that this is just a hypothetical question/ scenario honey. And I thank God that you don’t experience these things. But mostly, I thank God for you.

And having seen the subject of today’s question I already know that I am going to struggle a little with my answer. But, you can’t always just face the easy or pleasant things in life and the truth is there is often just as much benefit (often times more benefit) in the difficult questions as the pleasant ones.

So here goes…

But before I do answer today’s question a thought occurs to me. I know that this is a challenge set for me by one of my daughters and thus is a very personal thing – although we decided together to do this publicly here on my blog. But if any reader wishes to comment, please feel free to do so. The more responses and experiences shared the better.

So that having been said, here is my response to today’s question…

My Darling Daughter,

Well, as I am sure you already guessed, given the fact that I looked at this morning’s question last night – as we were saying good night to each other on the computer. This question has been on my mind and my heart all night.

And yes I know I am a little silly for checking out the question just before bed. But hey, my being a little silly isn’t new to either of us now is it?

So here is the result of lat night’s and this mornings reflections on your question…

I have decided, for perhaps obvious reasons. That the very first thing I would tell you – in my answer to this morning’s question was about a promise that I made to myself when we decided to do this challenge openly. And that promise was that no matter what the question or the subject I would always do my best to be as open and as honest as I could be in my answers. Doing so, wherever possible, with as much love and sensitivity as I could at the time. And that promise applies both to the pleasant or easy questions and the difficult and less pleasant ones alike.

And so, because of that promise, I am not going to try to fudge or sidestep your question in any way and my answer is, I assure you, both sincere and accurate to how I see things.

The plain simple fact honey, is that it would – I believe – being extremely unlikely, even extraordinary, if you had never done anything to make my mental health worse. Because the reality is that it is virtually inconceivable for anyone – with whom I am in close or frequent contact – to never do anything to make my mental health worse.

My mental illnesses so very often make such a possibility either extremely improbable or totally impossible. Because, when my mental health is bad, even when it is declining, it can corrupt and distort the most innocent and natural of things. Or more accurately my perception of them. That honey is all part of both the paranoia and the over-analyzing that constantly goes on within my mind.

For example, and this may seem completely ridiculous to many, even if someone makes a typing mistake and puts a rogue or accidental exclamation mark at the end of a text message, that can (and, trust me, has done) bug me for days. Conjuring up all sorts of weird and very not so wonderful thoughts for me in the process.

That is, of course, on top of another way in which mental illness can affect people and does affect me, which is to magnify or intensify thoughts or feelings which are common to a lot of us.

And I mention those things because I really don’t want you to over-react or take ownership of any undue concern or any guilt over what I am going to tell you next. Which is my answer specific to ‘one thing that you do which makes my mental health worse’.

Honey, if I had to choose ‘one thing that you (sometimes) do and which makes my mental health worse’, it would be:- When you are so obviously bothered or concerned about something. But don’t seem to want to tell me, or able to tell me, what it is that is concerning or bothering you.

And, like I said honey, I really don’t think that my being impacted by this is exclusive to me as a parent with mental illness. I would think a lot of parents would feel that way. It is just that my mental illnesses magnify and intensify the impact of this in my own mind.

As a father, I have never forced any of you to talk about something which you didn’t want to or weren’t ready to talk about. And that is because I fully believe that..

a) you have a right to your privacy,

b) you have the right to process things on your own, should you wish to.

c) sometimes we all need to process stuff in order to get it to a point where we can talk about it.

d) I have always trusted you all to know when you needed to, or should, come to me about something.

e) I am very much aware that the day will come – hopefully a long time from now – when I am just not around anymore. At that time I will just not be able to be there for you. And so, it was important to me, as your parent, that you developed the skills and had the freedom, now, which enabled you to process and cope with things on your own.

But honey, that doesn’t mean that it is always easy to sit back and watch you being concerned or bothered. Some things just don’t come very easily for a parent. Even when your child is fully grown and even when you know that it is the right thing to do. And I think it is difficult for any good parent when their child (adult or not) is obviously bothered or concerned about something and not able, or willing, to talk about it.

But I really do want you to understand that this, in itself, is not exclusive to me as a parent with mental illness. It is, as I said, just heightened for me as a parent with mental illness. The plain simple fact is that the paranoia which I experience, plus the over-analyzing which my mind seems totally incapable of stopping, simply magnifies and intensifies this in and for me.

And honey, I am fairly sure that, if you think about it, there have probably been times when the boot has been on the other foot – so to speak. Times when you, as a daughter, have simply known that things haven’t been right with me, and yet I have not come to you or talked about it.

And yes honey, I know that I have probably all too often repeated in my answers, something which I have said in a previous answer. But that something, in this case, is just as relevant and just as important in my answer now as it was in the answer to that question. And that is “Never take ownership of that which should not belong to you.“

Honey, you have every right to your privacy and every right to decide what you do or don’t talk to me about. You are an adult and a very capable and competent young lady. So no accepting any guilt or feeling bad as a result of this answer please. Those feelings do not and should not belong to you as a result of what I have just shared.

Your question required me to come up with ‘one thing that you did which made my mental health worse’, and trust me honey, coming up with something was not an easy task.

The fact is (and I always want you to remember this honey), that I am your dad. And you are part of both my life and my heart. And because of that I am bound to sense, or to realize, when something isn’t quite right with you. It is only right and fitting that I do so, because of my love for you.

But honey, a parent’s love for their child, and a child’s love for their parent, should always be a gift and a blessing. And should never be allowed to become either a burden or an obligation. Because the minute it becomes either of those things – in either its presentation or its reception – it has started to change it’s very character and started to stop being love.

Honey. you are who you are. And you have every right to process and deal with things however and whenever you need to. And in the rational, in the objective, I fully know that and fully believe that. But my mental illnesses are just not very good at allowing me to be rational and objective sometimes.

So honey, I want you to know and to understand that – even in this one thing that I have come up with and shared with you. It is far less about what you do to make my mental health worse, and for more about my mental illnesses reacting to that thing in such a way as to make my mental health worse.

It seems that something went wrong with yesterday’s post and either my computer, the WordPress system or I (and my money is on the I possibility there) messed up yesterday’s post and I had to repair and publish it earlier this morning.

Well I have to tell you that there is so much that you do which helps make my mental my better. But before I go on to specifics in this response to your question, I really think it is important that we understand something which is very key here…

Remember my talking (in my previous answers) about my mental illnesses being like that wide river which sometimes suddenly rages and rises up?

Well honey the waters of that river – my mental illnesses – can become unsettled and even angered or enraged by so many different things. But when it happens suddenly because of something which has happened we call these things a ‘trigger’.

Of course, at other times there can be no sudden change or no clearly identifiable trigger and indeed it is a whole series of smaller seemingly insignificant things which appear to make the waters of that river rise up the banks towards us.

And yes, at other times it appears to be less about the waters of that river – my mental illnesses – rising up the bank towards us and more about us sliding down the river towards it.

Honey, I hope that you do remember my saying those things in some of my previous answers and I hope that they (or more specifically I) am making sense. Because the key point which I wanted to make before getting into a specific answer to your question, “Tell me one thing that I do which makes your mental health better?” is this…

Sometimes – in fact actually very often – it is less about my mental illness where you can be of help and more about the things in general which you can help with and which, when they go wrong, can send me sliding and crashing into that river.

Honey, there are, without doubt, times when what I need is for you to provide me with some help, some safety net, some anchor, to keep me sliding further down that bank towards that river.

And honey you already do that so very much and I want for you to know that I recognize that and appreciate that.

I know of so many relatives and loved ones who feel somehow inadequate, some how ineffective because they don’t fully understand the mental illnesses of the person they love. And yet if only they knew how much the everyday general support that they give helps then perhaps they would feel less inadequate, less ineffective.

Honey, never forget and never lose sight of just how much you do, and just how much your help and support in the ‘ever-day’, ‘normal’ things means to me or how it contributes towards better mental health for me.

I truly mean that honey, and I truly desire for you to know that and to take that to your heart. And because this is an open response within an open blog, I truly desire anyone who is reading this and who experiences – in respect of their support for their loved ones – the feelings I have just mentioned, to take it to their heart and to hold onto it.

But honey, you asked me to ‘tell you one thing that you do which makes my mental health better’ and so the one thing that I have chosen – out of all the things that you truly do, is this…

You always manage to see and recognize and respect the me within my mental illnesses and not just to see or focus on my mental illnesses.

And honey you have absolutely no idea just how special, just how precious, and just how helpful that is to me and how much it helps me with my mental health.

Over the course of the past few questions, I have spoken so much about that river – my mental illnesses. And I have done so in an attempt to answer your questions and to offer you a tangible picture (which you can easily relate to) as a representation of something which is intangible to you and which you can’t fully relate to.

And honey, I am very much aware that in that picture I have, for very good reasons, set a distinction between myself, and my mental illnesses. But trust me honey, as accurate as that picture and that separation is, it doesn’t always exist in people’s perceptions.

But with you honey, no matter how far down that river bank I have slid. No matter how high up that river bank those waters have risen. You have always seen, focused on, and reached out to me.

And even when those waters have burst their banks and have seemed to consume me, and you have had to take charge. You have done so remembering that I am still your dad and have afforded me both respect and dignity.

So yes honey that is the one thing – out of all of them – that I have selected and honey both it and you mean the world to me.

Ok. So day 5 and thus question 5 of the ‘Questions To a Parent With Mental Illness’ Challenge set for me by one of my daughters. And this morning’s question is (as I believe all of them are) a very real and important question…

Hi Honey,

As I sit here drinking my early morning coffee and reflecting on just how I am going to answer today’s question from you. A couple of thoughts come to my mind.

The first thought is that this really is another very good question. And actually they have all been really good questions so far. Even the ones that have been a little difficult to answer.

And the other thought, that I had, was more of a mental image really. (LOL You know how I get with my mental imagery.)

It was a picture of you and I on opposite sides of a wide river. We wanted to get across to each other and so we chose a spot and both started building a bridge across to each other.

Your asking these questions (and me answering them), is very much like that, honey.

Building a bridge across to each other. And I truly am so very grateful for this. That is not to say that we aren’t usually able to be together. But sometimes mental illness can be like that wide river and can separate people.

So, what about your question for today? “When MY mental health is bad do I try to protect you from it, and why?”

Well the honest answer to the first part of your question has to be a “Yes. I do try to protect you from it. And in some ways to also try to protect me from it, in the process.” But honey, I am not trying to protect you from my mental illnesses – but more from any “fall-out” resulting from them.

Which of course brings us to the second part – the “and why?” part of your question.

I think that in some ways every good parent wants to try to protect their children from things. Isn’t that what good parents do? Try to protect their children from stuff that they really shouldn’t or they really don’t need to witness or to experience?

So part of the reason for my trying to protect you from my mental illnesses (or rather the ‘fall-out’ from my mental illnesses) is, I have to be honest, simply that. A father protecting the child he loves.

And yes I know that you are not a child any more and that you have every right to remind me of this fact. (I can just picture you sat there reading this and saying, “But I am not a child anymore!”) And in truth you probably don’t need protecting from it all. The fact is that you have grown to become a very strong and very capable young woman and you know, I hope, how much I respect you for that.

But honey, (as I mentioned in a previous answer to you) your not actually being a child anymore, doesn’t stop you from being my child. Nor does it stop my desire to protect you.

So honey what I do want (and am trying) to say. And please know that I mean this with all of my heart. Is that my desire and my actions in trying to protect you from any ‘fall-out’ from my mental illnesses, is by no means a reflection on you or of my opinion of you. No matter how much it must seem like that at times.

It is instead a reflection of my opinion (and indeed in many ways my experiences and fears) of the damage (the fall-out) that my mental illnesses can cause.

Mental illness – whilst it has been argued could also bring some good things (and I know lots of folk who would passionately dispute that) – can rob a person of so many things.

I cannot even begin to explain the feelings that I experience when I realize that my mental health has declined, or that I have been going through – or potentially going into – an ‘episode’.

Feelings of such things as – confusion, frustration, regret, despondency, and nervous anticipation are always wrapped up in an mental environment of fear. Fear of both the known – based on past experiences. And of the unknown – based on the reality of the loss of control usually experienced.

And so my need or desire to protect you (or anyone else) from any “fall-out” from my mental illnesses, stems from this and is, I think, understandable.

As I said, mental illness can rob a person of so many things. Things such as; control, comprehension, memory, focus, awareness, alertness. And also things such as; dignity, confidence, security, happiness, and hope. These are all things which affect the person who is experiencing that mental illness. But the resultant effects of that mental illness (the ‘fall-out’ as I call it) can have such an impact on those around that person and those closest to that person.

It can affect their dignity, their confidence, their security, their happiness and their hope. To name but a few.

Honey, I said above that I was not “trying to protect you from my mental illnesses – but more from any “fall-out” resulting from them.” and this is absolutely true.

I mentioned in a previous answer that whilst some mental illnesses seem to have a genetic or heredity element to them, I had watched for signs and am fairly confident (although I can’t be 100% certain) that none of you seem to have inherited my mental illnesses. And I am so very grateful for this.

And in truth mental illness is not contagious. But that does not mean that it’s effects, and the resultant; behaviors, attitudes and statements, don’t have very real influences and a very real impact on others.

And we should never lose sight of that fact. Nor of the fact that having to witness and to experience (and often to try to deal with) mental illness in someone we love, can – and often does – affect our own mental health.

And that (all of those reasons) is why I try to protect you from the fall-out of my mental illnesses. And the fact that I don’t ever want my mental illnesses to damage or rob me (or you) of the wonderful relationship that I have with you. Is part of that self-preservation I spoke of earlier.

But honey, we also promised that we would, as far as we were able, be open and honest with each other. And so I really can’t end my answer to your question there.

I have, as your father, tried to teach you all the difference between ‘wants or desires’ and ‘needs’. And the plain fact is that, in all honesty, as much as I may ‘want’ or ‘desire’ to protect you from my mental illnesses (and thus to a large degree try to isolate or hide them [or their resultant ‘fall-out’] from you) the truth is that I ‘need’ to stop doing that and I ‘need’ you to help me to try to stop doing that.

Sometimes, even though our intentions may be good and even though some of our reasons may be sound, we can – let’s be honest here – be our own worse enemy. And yes honey, even this dad of yours gets things terribly wrong at times.

Of course, because of my mental illnesses, I can’t promise to always be open and honest about my mental illnesses and how they are effecting me. Due to the fact that sometimes it is the state of my being in the grip of those mental illnesses which increases or induces the paranoia or the isolation or the depression or the… (I am sure that you get the picture).

But at those times when I am fully able to be me. When I am outside of that grip. When I am able to reach out and to share, I promise that I will try.

Honey, I started this answer by sharing two thoughts. One of which being a mental image of us both being on opposite sides of a wide river but building a bridge to each. And within that picture my mental illnesses were the river.

Although there are times when that river is there but not too much of an issue. There are other times – when the river runs so fast and the current and waves so fierce and so intense – that building a bridge to you, at that time, is just not within my capabilities.

And honey, at times like that – when that river is so wild that all I can do is to try to stop it from bursting it’s banks and flooding and destroying me. The very thought of you being anywhere near that danger is so alien, so counter-intuitive to my love for you, that it just does not bear thinking about.

And I need for you to always remember that love honey.

But having done so, please always feel free to remind me that, at times like these, you are a much better swimmer than I am. And that at these times, the most important thing is not my desire to protect you. But both our need to let you protect me.

Well today is day thirty in this thirty day mental illness awareness challenge and it means that I have reached the end of this particular journey of reflection. Although I am certain that the reflecting will go on – perhaps not in as structured or even as open a way – but it will, no doubt, continue.

Today’s question asks me to look at recovery and what it means to me. And in truth that question brings several different thoughts to mind. As well as a couple of additional questions.

Questions like, “What kind of recovery do they (the person originally asking the question) mean? Did they mean ‘Full Recovery’?” But then I guess, in many ways, it is – with this particular question – less about what they meant as it is about how I perceive it.

Recognition…

And the very first thing that comes to mind when I consider the question is that recovery, to me personally, means recognizing that something somewhere is or has gone wrong.

After all, if nothing is or has gone wrong, why would I need to recover?

And I think that is such an important first step. And I can’t help thinking of my own childhood/early life when I knew that I was somehow different but didn’t recognize how or even what that truly meant.

And of course, something or someone being ‘different’ or not being quite right doesn’t always mean that it or we are rendered useless of even ‘temporarily out of service’ (as the above picture) suggests. (I am personally convinced that there are thousands out there who are experiencing difficulties with their mental health who have never sought proper help.) But it does call for a response does it not?

Acceptance…

But recognizing that fact and actually accepting it can be two very different things, can’t they? For example: As a child I recognized that I had difficulties with my mind but I somehow became convinced – or indeed convinced myself – that everyone did. They just didn’t talk about it.

And in a world where mental illness is still not fully understood, in a world where it is mistreated as a social stigma is this environment of secrecy all that odd?

Additionally, let’s look at some of the regular messages and indoctrinations that the world throws at us.

‘Be strong!’, ‘Be independent!’. ‘Never admit or show your weaknesses!’, ‘Only the strong survive!’, Or how about the classic, ‘Be all that you can be!’? statement? Or the one which I heard several times as a child – “Well we all have problems, the secret is to just get on with things and not to make a fuss.”

It often confuses me how, if our car starts showing warning lights we usually take note and ask for help of take action to fix the problem. But when it comes to our own lives – even our own physical or mental health – oh how often we try to ignore the warning lights flashing in our minds.

Response…

As I said, in my opinion, recognition and acceptance certainly can be two different things. And the truth is that I don’t personally believe, that acceptance is ever full unless we actively, where we are able, respond to the recognition.

And how we respond is so very important isn’t it?

And what I am going to say next I really am saying out of a spirit of compassion and love. And I truly do not mean anyone any offense by it.

It is, in my opinion, so very easy – having recognized and accepted that we have a mental illness – to simply resign ourselves to that fact and to live out the labels that we and others apply to us. To become, if you like, our diagnoses. To be so defeated and/or so demoralized that we just can’t even conceptualize reaching beyond our circumstances. To accept the labels that are applied and to simply live them out.

And I really do make that statement out of a spirit of compassion and of love. And I openly and freely admit that I make that statement in the full knowledge of the fact that there have been times when I have done that very self, same thing.

I fully accept that there are a number of factors and circumstances which contribute towards this happening and I fully accept that sometimes that is all we feel we can achieve. I know, first hand, how sometimes simply surviving through it all is all we feel can do. But the fact remains that I am convinced that simply surviving on the road to recovering is not always actually moving forward towards that recovery.

I want and need to be very clear here. I really do know only too well that there are times when simply surviving on that road to recovery is all we can achieve. And I am making no judgement and intending no criticism of anyone who is in that position. I am just extremely aware that sometimes we can get so very used to that position and that we do always need to be mindful of the need to move out of it.

Commitment…

If we have recognized and accepted that ‘where we are at’ in our mental health, or our lives as a result of our mental health, is not where we want or should be. Then recovery by very definition, it can and has been argued, has to be a destination. Or at very least a journey towards a destination. So to reach it we have to commit to getting there. (But I reserve the right to return to this thought a little later)

And that can be a very long and at times a very painful and stressful journey. Not only for ourselves but also for those immediately around us and who love and care for us. A journey which will require the commitment we have made to that journey and indeed which can and often will require us re-committing to it time and time again.

Realism…

I made a statement in the above section which read, “If we have recognized and accepted that ‘where we are at’ in our mental health, or our lives as a result of our mental health, is not where we want or should be. Then recovery by very definition, it can and has been argued, has to be a destination. Or at very least a journey towards a destination.”

And I made that statement very deliberately and reserved the right to return to it later. Which I need to do now.

I am so convinced that sometimes we can be forced or encouraged, (even coerced) into unrealistic expectations, or that other people can have unrealistic expectations of us and our mental health, when it comes to ‘recovery’.

Just as there are physical conditions and illnesses where a ‘total cure’ is not available to us. And where the best we can hope for is a) the management of the symptoms presented by that condition, and b) to achieve as best a quality of life as we can with that condition. So too are there mental conditions and illnesses for which the same applies.

This, as far as I can see, is not defeatism, it is simply realism.

Whilst I, of course, accept that there are mental health conditions which are temporary and/or which can be ‘cured’ or ‘healed’. The fact remains that there are some for which no total ‘cure’ or ‘healing’ is currently available. (*Please see statement of faith at end of post.)

So, in these cases, the very minute we set ‘in our own minds’ (or allow others to set in their minds) a destination of the total absence of mental illness in our lives, where this is just not possible. We are simply setting an unobtainable destination. And so setting ourselves up for defeat.

Compassion, Understanding and Forgiveness…

Likewise, as I said before, I am convinced that sometimes the journey through life with our mental illnesses (or the journey to any form of recovery) can be a very long and at times a very painful and stressful journey. Not only for ourselves but also for those immediately around us and who lover and care for us.

And sometimes we will face set-backs and sometimes that ‘road to recovery’ of which so many people speak can crumble. Either before us and even all around us.

And let’s be honest here, among the numerous reasons for this happening, sometimes it is our own attitudes or actions which seem to bring that on or complicate it. Well at least in my own experience sometimes it is.

Whether it be something nobody else could or has influenced, or something brought about or complicated by ourselves or others. Approaching it and ourselves (or others) with compassion, understanding and if necessary forgiveness can be so essential and can truly help.

“What does ‘recovery’ mean to me?”

Well, it means all of those things I have mentioned above. But, it doesn’t necessarily mean one single destination nor does it mean one single act or fluid motion.

Instead it means a whole series of lots of little acts of recovery. Why? Because I am human and because often the road crumbles before me or all around me. And I recognize that when this happens, even getting them all back together and moving on is a recovery in and of itself.

In truth, and bearing in mind what I said about some conditions having no known cure, I am not sure I will ever fully recover if ‘recovery’ is defined as the absence of mental illness, or indeed the presence of perfect (or even good) mental health.

That is not to say that I don’t have hope. Because I truly do have hope!

I have hope that I can reach a level of understanding, and a level of treatment, and a level of management, where I can achieve and generally maintain a fairly good quality of life for both myself and those around me. And even more than this I have hope through my faith.

*Statement of Faith…

Regular readers will probably know that I am a Christian and thus a man of faith. As a Christian I fully, freely and openly believe that God can and does bring healing. But it is neither my understanding nor my experience that He always does bring healing just as and when we ask for it.

And whilst my faith is core to who I am, and will sometimes be reflected in my posts. This blog focuses on Mental Illness and Mental Health and is not (specifically) a faith-based or faith-focused blog. Nor is it’s purpose to be enable me to a) evangelize or b) proselytize.

And I have to be honest here and admit that my immediate reaction to seeing the question was, “Do I actually have any goals? I mean, other than to survive it?”

But the more I thought about it the more I realized that actually I do have a number of goals.

They are just not all collected together and typed out – by way of some sort of mission statement.

And indeed many of them have arisen out of circumstances or events and have almost been subconscious (and even very private) by nature. You know, that kind of “mental note to self” sort of thing. Or the inner resolution that you make when something happens.

And I think that happens doesn’t it? And as a result of this I think that often there is a process involved.

My personal process…

And because of this I am struggling a little in how to actually present them. To put them down on paper. (Well, on a computer screen, at least.)

Forced Secrecy…

For so much of my life my biggest goal in respect of my mental health ( as regular readers of this blog – or even this challenge – will probably know) was to hide my mental illnesses.

I was, as regular readers will no doubt know, born at a time when the general attitude to mental illness was so very wrong and so very harmful. And sadly we still have so very far to go on that score.

So I cannot help wondering how many people still have to hide their mental illness at school or college, or in the work place or even within and from their own family?

Then in 1999 when, as a result of major mental and physical breakdowns, all my masks crumbled and I could hide it no more. And at that time, my goal – my objective – became (out of absolute necessity) simply to survive those breakdowns.

Repair and Damage Limitation…

Then came repair and damage limitation. I so desperately needed to repair the damage that had been done (as a result of that breakdown) to my relationships – especially with my wife and son. But also with others.

And with that a very real resolve – a very real goal – to do all I could to limit how much my wife and son had to suffer from my illnesses – both mental and physical.

But sadly, in seeking to protect them from my mental illness I was – without really knowing it – pushing them away. Locking them (and many others) out of that world. And in the process – to some degree or another – locking myself in.

Recovery…

And along with repair and damage limitation there was the question of recovery. Understanding what had happened to me. Assessing the damage that had been done. Trying to prevent it from happening again. Trying to rebuild your life. Trying to establish healthier, firmer foundations from which to go on.

Proactive vs Reactive…

I wonder if you, like me, have noticed the ‘reactive’ nature of this process so far?

Reactive…

Mental illness can do that to you can’t it? Place you into a set of reactive needs which consume your time and stop you from being proactive. And let’s not lose sight of the fact that so many times, the way people – even our loved ones – treat us can force us into a reactive state.

Much has changed since my breakdowns – in 1999 – when the existence and severity of my mental and physical health issues came out.

I have moved country. My wife left me. My son – who was only around 15 at the time and who stayed with me in order to look after me – has now moved out and has started his own family. I have changed churches. And of course I have had to react to and to deal with all of that.

Proactive…

But additionally, my understanding of my mental illness(es) has grown. As has my ability to address and deal with both them and with my physical illnesses. I have started to let folk into my life and into my mental and physical illness(es) and have allowed and encouraged myself to reach out beyond them. (And yes I recognize that I still have a long way to go in this.)

Actually a lot has changed (or started to change) as a result of my doing this challenge. The concluding paragraph of yesterday’s challenge post being a very clear and real indication of that.

A ‘good’ day, is any day when I have afforded myself the freedom to be fully loved (even and including by me myself), no matter what my mental illness(es) (or my reactions to it) may throw my way that day. And a ‘bad’ day is any day when I have not.

So my main and initial goal is to always try to afford myself the freedom to be fully loved (even and including by me myself), no matter what my mental (or physical) illness(es) (or my reactions to them) may throw my way.

To be proactive. And not to let those times when I need to be reactive defeat or demoralize me in this.

To continue to let others into my illness(es) and my life, and to encourage and empower myself to reach out beyond them.

To continue in my writing and my drawing and to not only recognize and accept the strengths and gifts that I have, but also the weaknesses and needs that I have. And to do so not in a spirit of defeat but in a spirit of understanding that I (just like everyone else) sometimes need to get and can get that help.

Determination…

In truth I have many new goals. (Mainly as a result of my doing this challenge and as a result of the conversations and comments that it has generated.) But they can all be included in this one single statement…

Day 25: What is your opinion on forced/coercion in mental health treatment? Can be legal (law enforcement or psychiatric holds) or a “helping” friend/family member.

My initial reaction to this question/subject was, I have to be honest, the instant recognition that I personally had never experienced (as far as I can recall) any of these.

That is not to say that my kids have never ‘helped’ me. Of course they have. But not in the way in which I feel this question or topic implies.

Personal Experiences…

Even in the very depths of my mental illnesses, even in the very worst of times, I shut off from all reality – disconnected from it. And so I simply felt ‘lost’ and ‘vulnerable’. Because of this I was (I think) fairly compliant. And thus the need for ‘force’ or ‘coercion’ was not present.

Of course I do recall occasions when my wife (and/or others) had wanted me to do something (or had wanted to bring about some form of change) which I did not want to do or did not feel able to do.

But, on those occasions, I either remained defiant in my position and nothing changed or she (or they) simply gently and patiently persuaded or convinced me. And thus, here again, no actual ‘force’ or ‘coercion’ (the action or practice of persuading someone to do something by using force or threats) had been present.

And the above statement does, I feel, bring two key issues into play when it comes to bringing about a change, or getting someone to do something against their will. These being…

a) The mental state (and thus the compliance or lack thereof) of the person being forced or coerced. and

b) The type and level of coercion or force applied.

And these are, I accept, often dependent on – or impacted by – the urgency or need for that change to take place.

And these are key factors because they are governed by ‘acceptable norms’.

Acceptable Norms…

We live, act and react, – do we not – within a set of ‘acceptable norms’. Standards of proper or acceptable behaviors or responses. And those ‘norms’ are governed by the circumstances and environments in which they exist.

For example: If we see a small boy going to put a knife in an electrical socket, the acceptable norm would be to quickly pull him away from said socket. Or even to smack his hand and tell him, “No!”

The objective of the adult, or parent or guardian, by stepping in, is to remove the danger and to educate the child in order to reduce or remove the potential for recurrence of that danger in the future.

And how quickly or dramatically we react to him going towards the electrical socket is directly dependent on how young he is and how close to the socket he is.

But either way, an ‘acceptable norm’ is not to sit and watch him do it, or to throw water over him in order to make the result more dramatic and the lesson more effective.

‘Acceptable norms’ are there as a guide and a reflection and as a measuring stick as to how we should treat each other. And surely ‘acceptable norms’ should also apply to the treatment of those who experience mental illness(es).

But who get’s to decide what is an ‘acceptable norm’?

Let me briefly return to my earlier statement…

“Even in the very depths of my mental illnesses, even in the very worst of times, I simply shut off from all reality – disconnected from it. And so I simply felt ‘lost’ and ‘vulnerable’. Because of this I was (I think) fairly compliant. And thus the need for ‘force’ or ‘coercion’ was not present.”

My compliance – it could be argued – kept me and my potential behaviors and responses within the ‘acceptable norms’.

But what if I had not simply shut off from reality? What if in my ‘disconnection’ my mind, presented me with an alternative (false) reality? One which told me that your reality (often the actual reality) was false? Even though I might still feel very ‘vulnerable’ would I (within my alternative, reality) still feel lost? Or could I, would I, instead simply feel threatened?

Because in that scenario – in the scenario of these two differing realities – your actions or reactions might well be ‘acceptable norms’ to you (and others in your reality) but they will possibly (even probably) be far from acceptable in the reality I am experiencing.

And that will not only have an impact on how I respond to your actions (or reactions) but also how I see and perceive your reality.

But our ‘acceptable norms’ are the ones accepted by society and thus are the ones that apply and therefore which matter.

Would, of course, be a logical argument put forward by the person (or persons) trying to bring about the change. But is this necessarily so? And indeed, does it always justify their actions and/or negate or remove my rights?

Does the fact that I am (at that time) living in – and perceiving things through – my alternative (even false) reality, negate or remove all my rights in your reality?

All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.

“All human beings“. Does my mental illness(es) somehow remove my ‘human being’ status? Of course the answer to this must be no!

“Are born free and equal in dignity and rights“. Does my mental illness somehow remove my dignity and rights? Here again surely the answer must be no? Of course I openly accept that my behaviors might effect said rights and indeed said dignity. But isn’t that true of everyone – regardless of the status of their mental health?

“Are endowed with reason and conscience.” Am I not – even with my mental illness(es) and even in my alternative reality) (except in very severe or extreme cases) endowed with some reason and a conscience? (And yes I accept that for some, reason and conscience might be seriously impaired or even seemingly absent, but I am not generally talking these extreme cases here.)

So the questions become – Should I (as a human being – albeit one with mental illness(es)) still not be afforded ‘dignity‘ and ‘rights‘ [even if, in my head, I have an alternative reality]? And should I (as a human being – albeit one with mental illness(es)) still not be afforded the chance to ‘reason‘ and apply my ‘conscience‘?

And together those effectively boil down to this one simple question…

‘Does my mental illness(es) affect these things or does my behavior?’ Because surely it has to be my behavior and not my mental illnesses. And here again, (it is worth pointing out) that this in fact true of everyone – regardless of the presence any mental illness?

So in fact,

We do must therefore ensure – when considering the use of force or coercion – that it is not the presence of any mental illness(es) that we are addressing, but is instead very clearly the needs arising from any resultant behaviors (or any very evident and real potential behaviors).

And likewise, we must ensure – when considering the use of coercion – that the basic human rights (some of which I have demonstrated and emphasized through the use of Article One of the UN’s “Universal Declaration of Human Rights” above) are respected at all times.

Because regardless of the presence of any mental illness, human rights are not optional.

So where does that leave us?

Well, the small boy in our earlier example was evidently incapable of reasoning – given his knowledge base to date – as to the danger of his actions. And so an adult or parent or guardian rightly had to step in.

And likewise, I fully accept that sometimes mental illness(es) or the state of a person’s mental health reduces their ability to reason properly or removes their ability to reason at all.

I therefore also accept that in those circumstances – just as the small boy was pulled away from the potential danger (even against his will) – the use of force or coercion might be necessary. BUT it should never be at the cost of someone’s basic human rights.

So let’s move towards the conclusion of this already too long a post (My apologies for that, but my mind is certainly not great today) by looking at the different situations stated within the question.

Family and Friends (‘Helping’)…

I need to be extremely clear here. The fact that a person is someone’s family member or a friend does not automatically ensure that they have person’s basic human rights – or indeed their welfare – at heart when applying force or coercion or when arranging for someone else to apply force or coercion?

All sorts of other motivations can come into play here. Perceived embarrassment or shame, perceived guilt, frustration, desperation, a lack of understanding, or a desire for a personal respite from it all, being just some of them.

Law Enforcement Agencies…

Often work with both limited resource and high levels of demand placed upon them. Consequently their objectives in any given situation are likely to be shaped by a desire to resolve the situation currently presented to them as quickly and as painlessly as possible.

And in this situation, whilst force or coercion might be necessary, the needs and wishes (and sadly sometimes even the basic human rights of a person with mental illness) could well be way down the list.

Emergency Medical Response Services…

Here again the above can apply although one would hope to a much lesser degree given the fact that they are at least in a more caring focused profession.

Crisis-based Admissions…

Can sometimes, or so it seems to me, lead to a need to placate or subdue a person with mental illness (or with mental health issues) not only for their own (and other patients) safety and welfare to be protected but also in order to stabilize them to such a point where ongoing treatment can be given. And, of course, in this scenario coercion or force may understandably be necessary.

But I think there is within such circumstances the potential (and indeed cases where this has happened) where such force or coercion has led to an impairment in that person’s reasoning ability and/or will power long after the initial crisis has been dealt with.

Ward or Institution Based Treatment…

Here again, I think that pressures placed on staff – coupled with limitations in resources – and a very real (possibly even acute) awareness of potential flash-points, can easily come into play. And that all of these can have a very real and possibly a negative influence on the rights of the individual.

The Truth…

Force and Coercion are not only present when actually applied, but also when implied. And we would do well to recognize, as individuals, and as a society (or collection of societies), that even circumstances and environments can imply the possible use of force or coercion to a vulnerable person.

Take a moment, if you will, to reconsider the five scenarios (Family and Friends through to Ward or Institution Based Treatment) and to picture them in your mind from the perspective of the person who is experiencing the/any force or coercion in those scenarios.

And having done so take a moment, if you will, to consider our ‘acceptable norms’ and how what is considered as ‘acceptable’ seems to change within each of those scenarios.

Advocacy…

In every one of the scenarios which I have mentioned above. I have, whilst accepting that there could be a legitimate case for coercion or force to be applied, also, I believe, demonstrated how the potential exists for the needs and rights of a person with mental illness or poor mental health to be placed at risk or even ignored.

And whilst it is true that in some countries, checks and measures are in place to reduce the potential for this happening. It is, I think worth mentioning that a) those checks and measures aren’t always employed. b) sometimes local or state laws differ – thus removing some of these checks and measures and c) not every country employes said checks and measures.

I am therefore convinced that every state and every country therefore needs to establish and support independent mental health advocacy programs and services. So that..

b) education in respect of mental illness and poor mental health is provided to all agencies and where the potential for said human rights of the individual to be threatened exists.

c) ‘acceptable norms’ in respect of the treatment of those who suffer from poor mental health or with mental illness(es) are regularly challenged in light of increased understanding of mental health and mental health related issues.

d) individuals experiencing mental illness or poor mental health and whose basic human rights have been ignored or discounted have the right to appeal and to recourse in law.

Conclusion…

I am a person who suffers from mental illness.

One who – when my mental health is fairly good – has a fairly good understanding of mental health and a fairly good grasp on reality. The reality we all share.

But I am also, someone who knows that when my mental health is bad I can and do experience alternative realities which you cannot share.

And whilst I freely and openly accept that in some cases a person’s behavior (whether actual or evidently and realistically potential) could merit the use of force or coercion. In neither of those realities (the real one we share or the alternative ones my mind sometimes presents) can I find any excuse for the presence of mental illness alone to be justification for the removal of a person’s basic human rights.

Day 23: What is your opinion on therapy? (It can be any type, some examples are: group therapy, talk therapy, social skills training, exposure therapy, ERP, DBT, CBT, ACT, marital counseling, and many more)

It’s an extremely interesting question, isn’t it?

And one which I think is very much worth asking. Especially after yesterday’s question which looked at treatment via medication.

So I think I will start this post – and thus my answer to today’s challenge question – with a quote…

The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.

It’s a quote by the author Ralph G Nichols and I think that, for me personally, this quote focuses on essential aspects within therapy – listening and understanding.

Now I qualify that remark by admitting that, when it comes to therapy in respect of my mental illnesses, I think the only therapies that I have personally experienced, have been CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and group therapy.

That is not to say that I wouldn’t consider other therapies were they on offer. So let’s look at…

The provision of therapy…

And here a certain amount of cynicism on my part comes into play. Because I have to admit that my personal belief is that the mental health services here in Ireland (where I now live) are so over-stretched that, in the main, mental health care provision here appears, in my experience, to be more about medication and damage limitation, than it is about actual well-being and therapy.

And yes I know that this sounds harsh. But let’s be honest and even realistic here. Providing therapy is far more ‘time’ and ‘resource’ demanding than simply providing medication.

So, when it comes to the treatment of mental illnesses (or poor mental health), my concern is that whilst the far more available and less time and resource demanding provision of medication predominantly treats the symptoms (and thus limits potential damage as a result of those symptoms) it does not necessarily treat the condition or illness itself.

The Process of Therapy…

I personally believe – and I am convinced from my own personal experiences – that my ability to cope with my mental health is directly linked to my ability to understand and to process what is happening to me both mentally and physically as a result of my mental health.

And isn’t that the purpose of therapy and more specifically Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)?

To understand (at least in part) what is happening and how it affects our attitudes, feelings, moods, behaviors, relationships etc? And how they all, in turn, effect each other?

By allowing us to understand what has or is happening to us it allows us to look at – and to objectively reconsider (and often to consider for the first time) – some of the thought patterns and process chains that are going in. And having done so it can afford us with…

a) the chance to re-evaluate (and in some cases to set right) those thought patterns and/or process chains,

b) to consider alternative and more healthy or more helpful thought patterns and/or process chains.

c) Resultant behaviors and reactions.

And this therapy, I personally found to be both extremely helpful and extremely useful. And additionally I am convinced that it helped towards my general ability to cope with and to manage my mental illnesses.

My weird and wonderful mind…

Again I can only speak for me personally here. But I do generally experience a certain level of mental health which affords me the ability to ‘generally‘ function fairly well and so to process and thus deal with most things.

That is not to say that I experience the same level of good mental health which most people (3 in 4 – if the ‘1 person in 4 experiences poor mental health’ statistic is correct. Which I believe it is ) enjoy, because I don’t.

But I can – with effort – generally deal with most things until my mental health declines. Something which it often does.

When this happens, there is, for me – it seems (and I am sure I am not alone in this) – another world. A world where my mind functions just enough to be able to register the fact that things have, once again, gone terribly wrong with my mind. And yet not enough to be able to process how or why.

It is a world where color and clarity drains and where grays and blurring wander both freely and unchecked. A world – often a stopping off point – which lies somewhere between my world of the colors of understanding, and my world of the deepest, darkest blacks of total confusion.

It is a world to which, as I said, my mind often drags me. Sometimes doing so instantly or by throwing me on a speeding train of hurtling thoughts. Or sometimes, it seems, by dragging me there slowly via some sort of mental ‘alternative bus service’.

The Benefits of Therapy on My Weird and Wonderful Mind…

So whilst I openly recognize that CBT can have little effect on that third world of mine – the world of deepest, darkest blacks of confusion. I do (and indeed did) see how it had some effect on my middle world where grays and blurring wander both freely and unchecked. And in fact one of the ways in which it had and has an effect is in the checking of those freely wandering greys.

But actually the areas where CBT has the greatest and most beneficial effects is in my ‘usual’ world and indeed in how often my mind drags me into those ‘other’ worlds.

By objectively looking at – and re-evaluating – the links and inter-plays between my; thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, I have, in some ways, been able to gain a greater control on – and thus to achieve better management of – my mental health.

What you get out depends largely on what you put in…

It’s a statement which is true of some many things, isn’t it? And in respect of CBT I think it is especially true. And where CBT has a benefit over the other therapy which I have experienced is that it was done in a more controlled, one-on-one, and focused setting.

Things which were not present in the ‘Group Therapy’ which I underwent in respect of my mental illnesses.

Whilst it is true that Group Therapy does afford you a wider experience and sometimes a wider knowledge base. The difficulties can be that it also provides a wider need base.

Additionally group dynamics, of course, also come into play. And it takes a very experienced and very skilled facilitator to ensure that this type of therapy is of benefit to all the participants.

Likewise, whilst it is true that – generally speaking – the members of such therapy all usually share a common need. The levels of those needs – and indeed the personalities, communication skills and social skills – of those members within the group always impacts the level of benefit this type of therapy can be to each individual member.

And I think that this is an important factor to deliberate on when considering entering into group therapy.

Because if ‘what you get out depends largely on what you put in‘, then the presence of those ‘others’ and what they put in or allow you to put in – will have a direct bearing of what you get out of it.

Conclusion…

So those are my opinions, for what they are worth, on the two therapies that I have personally undertaken and indeed on therapy in general. As I hope you can see, I am – generally speaking – very much in favor of therapy. But I do believe that we need to give very real and very objective thought to it. And I also believe that it is something to which – if we do commit to it – we need to commit to fully.

Therapy can – in my opinion and experience – have a very real benefit for those who suffer mental illness(es) or poor mental health. And I will go even further…

I am convinced that some mental health is circumstance or event linked. And that they are some folk who have received a diagnosis of (for example) ‘depression’ from their doctor and who are very wrongly being treated purely with medication. Some folk who could – with the right; kind of, level of, or application of, therapy – enjoy a far greater level of mental health or even ‘normal’ (although I dislike that word) mental health.

And (before my comment box gets flooded with complaints and objections) I am not of course – in having made the above statement – applying it to everyone who suffers, like me, from depression or poor mental health or mental illness(es).

And by way of a peace offering to anyone who is offended by my above statement I leave you with a simple quote from A. A Milne and a snippet of conversation between pooh and piglet. One which I freely apply to my own mind…

Day 21: Many people say stress triggers symptoms, do you agree or disagree?

In answer this question honestly I have to confess to finding that the question requires an absolute that I just can’t give.

(And yes I fully accept that part of my mental health is that I often see things too literally.)

I think that the only way that I can properly answer this question is to say that whilst I agree that stress can sometimes trigger symptoms I am not sure – in my own experience – that it always does.

In truth, I think that – as with most people – our reactions to stress really are dependent upon what else is going on in our lives and indeed how our mental health is at the time of the stress being introduced.

But isn’t that true of most people?

I accept that it is probably true for some of us who suffer from poor mental health or from mental illnesses, our ability to handle stress can be greatly reduced. But I really don’t think that ‘generally speaking’ we are any different to anyone else in that.

In fact, in my answer to day seven’s question within this challenge I created and included a mental health process chart in respect of how my own personal mental health seems to work. This can be found here – for those who are interested.

Within that chart (as can be seen by the snapshot below) I tried to show the process which often happens with respect to my own mental health and within that process I included the introduction of stress factors.

So yes I do feel that stress can impact our mental health and as a result bring on related symptoms. But, as I say, I don’t believe that we are alone in this.

And, whilst I didn’t go into any deeper detail within the aforementioned chart, I do also believe that the type and level of that stress also has a direct effect on it’s impact and how it effects our mental health.

So much so in fact that in the above snapshot and in the aforementioned chart you might notice that next to the “Introduction of a Stress Factor” box there is also an “Introduction of Abuse-based Trigger” box.

In my own case, this refers to any stress fact which is directly or indirectly linked to abuse. And the way, level of, and speed of the impact of that particular stress factor is different to most.

So there you have it. My answer for today’s challenge question. In truth I know that there is so much more that I could say about this subject.

But the fact is that I started this post several hours ago and my mind is such today that simply putting together what I have has been a long laborious task and one of constant re-reads, corrections, further re-reads, re-writes etc.

Whilst I think that this is a very interesting question I do also recognize that it is one which also comes (when answering) with some necessary caution.

The reason for this being, that in answering or detailing where your support does actually come from you are (by virtue of their absence from said answer) also indicating where you do not get your support from.

Now when starting this blog I made a very conscious, deliberate and (in my opinion) important decision. Which was that I would do my best, throughout all of the posts of this blog, not to consciously bring discomfort or distress to anyone through what I share nor to allow bitterness or revenge to enter into any of my posts.

This policy of trying to avoid causing people distress and of actively trying to avoid bitterness or the need for revenge is one which I also try to maintain throughout my life.

Therefore, I have decided to keep my answers ‘general’ by nature instead of mentioning any specific persons by name. There are of course a few people in my life who have been spectacular in the support that they have given me and/or do give me and whilst you are most certainly noteworthy, I am sure that you already know just how appreciated you are and will appreciate my reasons for not mentioning you by name.

So, the above having been said, here are the ‘general’ sources of the (extremely appreciated) support which I do receive…

My Carer….

In terms of support, I would have to say that most of it – in day to day terms – comes from my Carer. Regular readers will be aware that additional to my poor mental health I suffer from a very poor physical health also.

This, along with my mental health, has led to the need for me to have a carer and my carer – you know who you are 🙂 – is such a blessing to me and I would hate to think just what I would be like without her support.

Members of my family…

I am very much aware that for some, reactions to the presence of their poor mental health or their mental illnesses has caused great difficulties within their families and that tragically in some situations it has caused them to be shunned or to feel that they are better off living their lives without their family.

In my own situation the fact is that I have little to no doubt that as a child and youth and young adult my mental illnesses seriously impacted my relationships with my family. But that was then and this is now. Now I am 52 years old and in fact live alone. I also live in a different country to the one in which I grew up and in which all of my birth family still live. Because of this, the chances or opportunities for my birth family to support me are fairly limited or indeed are non-existent.

And when it comes to my immediate family, here again only one of my children lives here in Ireland and anywhere close to me. That having been said, despite their all having their own families to look after, I have to say that I do get a great deal of support from them when they are aware that I need it.

Members of my church….

I attend an extremely loving and caring church and there are certain members within the church (and it’s leadership team) who have been and are such a blessing and such a support to me.

Likewise, I also attend a small bible study group within that church. Here, all of the members of that group are, by virtue of the fact that it is a much smaller and thus more personal and intimate a group, aware of my mental illnesses and more aware of some of the struggles that I face as a result of them. And I have to say that they are all so very supportive.

Other bloggers and writers….

One area of support which cannot or should not go unmentioned is the mental health community here online. By this I mean those fellow bloggers and writers who give of themselves regularly to share what is happening in their own lives and with their own mental health and to – by doing so – say, “you are not alone” or “yes, that happened/happens to me.”

They share information, encouragements, heartaches and inspirations in their writings and often read and comment of each others blogs and provide essential support through all this. They are such a blessing and support to me and, whilst I might not always be very good at saying thank you or remembering to comment back, are all appreciated so very much.

My Neighbors….

Whilst I have to be honest and say that very few (if any) of my neighbors would have any real knowledge of the fact that I have mental illnesses, they all do know that I experience poor physical health.

I think it would, in fact, be fair to say that my physical health issues are (generally speaking) more prominent than my mental health issues. I am so very thankful that all of my neighbors are polite and friendly towards me and that some of them are also so very supportive when I need it.

My faith…

The truth is that I simply could not complete a list of where I get my support without mentioning my faith. I cannot, for the life of me, begin to think just where I would be, or what would have happened to me by now had I not been blessed with such a strong faith.

And I think that also raises another important point about support.

My faith affords me so much strength and so much hope in the most darkest of times. And unlike a great deal of support which comes from outside ourselves, my faith affords me a strength and a support which comes from within.

In truth, I do not know the faiths of a great many of the folk who write blogs on their mental illness or mental health. But I do see such strength in so many of them.

And I think that the support that we gain from inner strength is often so much more powerful than that offered from others outside of ourselves, and often goes so unnoticed.

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Trigger Warning Sign Employment & Disclaimer

This site employs the Trigger Warning Sign.

I will, where possible, display this sign at the start of any post where I consider the subject matter to be of a sensitive nature and such that could cause possible distress to others.

Please understand that sensitivity is a very personal thing and thus I cannot guarantee that something posted on this site which I do not consider to be sensitive or to potentially cause distress (and thus does not include the displaying of this sign) will not cause distress to some. I therefor apologize in advance if this happens.

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Please also be aware that the author of this blog makes no claims to be an expert in this field or a mental-health practitioner of any sort.

The views and opinions expressed in this blog are exactly that - simply views and opinions of the author as a mental illness sufferer and it is strongly advised that readers seek professional advice before making any decision in respect of their own mental health and/or the mental health of those in their care.

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Blog For Mental Health 2012

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Concerning Mental Health Issues

Please be advised that the purpose of this blog is to provide a journal of the way that my mental health impacts my life, my relationships and my faith.
Unless I specifically recommend a course of action within a post or article I strongly recommend that no one try to do the things I mention or tries to copy the behavior I record within this blog.
If you believe that you or a friend or loved one may be suffering from mental health issues I strongly recommend that you seek professional help.
God Bless.

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