Ask a Douche Bag with the guy from The Hills

Q: Dear Schmuck, I’ve been with my girlfriend for 5-years now and we’re totally in love. I know we’ll get married one day, but I feel like there’s a lot I haven’t experienced yet if you know what I mean. You seem like the kind of weasel who can advise me on how to keep her and sow my oats? What should I do?

–Andy

A: Wow! Andy must be American for moron, because if you don’t know how to handle this situation, that’s exactly what you are! Luckily, I’m the kind of weasel who knows how to deal with this. (Funny side note: My fiancé’s Mother calls me a weasel too.) Anyway, the plan is simple: You propose, and then mess around behind her back. Like I always say, “There’s nothing wrong with a mouth hug, even if the mouth doing the hugging isn’t your fiancé’s”. You can get full-time action from her, and action on the side from random sluts. It’s a win-win situation. (It also helps if your fiancé is a dim-witted blonde who is easily distracted by shiny things and is usually busy having her picture taken for some bullshit magazine.)