I find sex tedious and repulsive. The odors of sex disgust
me; I find the grunts and positions absurd. Lately, whenever
I meet a woman I immediately size her up: Is her skin leathery?
What about cellulite? Weight distribution? Stained teeth?
Arm hair? Bad breath? Even if most of these things are a pass,
I seem to have some compulsive terminator-like mechanism that
sizes up how she’ll look naked—in the morning, in a year,
or in 20. All women fail this test.

As a result, I haven’t dated or had sex in over three years.
When I was younger, I never used to notice these things. Most
of the available women my age have tanned, smoked, or had
drug problems—and I can read this stuff on their skin like
text on a teleprompter. I’ve discussed this with therapists
and psychiatrists. They always say, “You don’t want a relationship.”
But that never stopped me from dating and fucking when I was
younger.

My other area of concern is that I go weeks without masturbating.
And when I do, it’s hard to keep my mind from wandering. I’ve
had my testosterone checked; it’s normal. I also don’t do
any drugs, and am in very good health and shape. There was
a time when just about every girl I saw turned me on, stretch
marks, cellulite, bad breath and all, so I know there’s something
wrong. So Dan, am I just fucked up? Are my balls broken? My
antidepressants not working? Are they working too well? Do
I have an unborn twin in my scrotum? Should I start popping
Viagra and humping strippers, like mom tells me to?

—Nothing
Arouses My Broken
Libido’s Ambition

My
first reaction to your letter: Christ, what a mess.

My second reaction: I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if
I gave you advice, NAMBLA (cute), that actually resulted in
some poor woman waking up next to you one morning. No woman’s
ass, to say nothing of her self-esteem, could possibly survive
the kind of scrutiny to which you would subject it. As someone
with body-image issues of my own, I can’t in good conscience
send innocent women into the buzz saw that is your cruel gaze.
So why not leave all those nice, leathery women alone, NAMBLA,
and just be a single guy?

Wouldn’t you be happier alone anyway? I detect in your letter
a desire to please your mother and/or your therapist by getting
it together and starting to date again. But you seem content
to me as is. You can’t stand stinking human bodies, you don’t
miss sex or masturbation, and you’re only in psychological
torment when you worry about the sexual relationships you’re
told by society—and mothers and therapists—that you’re supposed
to want. But if you can’t stand real human bodies—all of which
stink from time to time, all of which eventually fall apart
in revolting ways—and if you don’t miss sex, well . . . gee
. . . why not do all the women out there a favor by forgoing
sex altogether? Bag it. Sex just isn’t for you. Move on.

I
have a friend at my university who is shockingly hot. She
is also a 21-year-old virgin. She doesn’t think that premarital
sex is a sin, but she says that she wants to remain pure for
her future husband. She also says she thinks about sex a lot,
but remains virginal anyway. I think she is wasting a perfectly
hot body, and denying herself (and us guys) a basic human
pleasure. Besides, she would be doing her future husband a
favor by gaining a bit of experience. Forgive me if you have
covered this issue before, but can you please inform her of
the many reasons not to remain a virgin at 21?

—What’s
the Point?!

The
best reason for a shockingly hot woman not to remain
a virgin at 21, WTP, is a sincere desire on the part of the
shockingly hot woman to cease being a virgin. There are, of
course, all sorts of good reasons why people should sleep
around a bit before they settle down, and I’ve covered them
in previous columns. But if a hot woman wants to remain a
virgin, WTP, you have to respect her choice. And if by remaining
a virgin she’s denying her perfectly hot body to the kind
of guys who regard hot women’s bodies as public amenities,
well, I’m gonna get her back. If I were a woman with a hot
body and I was given a choice between virginity and sleeping
with guys who believe that women with hot bodies are obligated
to sleep with them, I might choose virginity too.

I
have been dating my girlfriend for almost two years. Things
are great. My biggest turn-on, though, is when a girl orgasms
really hard. I love going down on her, but she won’t let me
finger her ass at all when I do. The reason why I really want
to try this is because when I did this with my ex she came
really hard. I talked with my current girlfriend about it
and she just thinks it’s too icky and would make her feel
self-conscious. How do I convince her that it might be awesome?
Or do I just let it go, considering it’s her body and everything.

—A
Sensitive Soul

Yeah,
yeah, ASS: It’s her body and everything and she said “no”
and what part of that don’t you understand, and a sensitive
soul would never pressure his girlfriend to try anything that
made her uncomfortable, and certainly wouldn’t write to a
sex-advice columnist seeking pointers on getting his finger
into his girlfriend’s butthole, and would just drop the subject
and hold his girlfriend close and cuddle her and put some
Kings of Convenience on the stereo and light some candles
and make his girlfriend feel warm and safe and blah blah fucking
blah.

Out here in the real world, however, boyfriends pressure girlfriends
and girlfriends pressure boyfriends and boyfriends pressure
boyfriends and girlfriends pressure girlfriends to try stuff
all the time—even stuff, ASS, that they balked at the first
few times the subject was raised. Hey, did I say “pressure”?
Perhaps it would be more accurate to say “beg.” Yes, it’s
her body—let’s be clear about that. But gently and respectfully
asking/pressuring/begging someone to expand his or her sexual
horizons is not the same thing as refusing to take “no” for
an answer. It’s just refusing to take “no” for an answer right
away.

So how do you address your girlfriend’s specific objections
to a finger in the butt during oral sex? You can dispatch
with the “icky” factor by going down on her in the shower,
ASS. Then when she’s all worked up you ask if you can stick
a finger into her squeaky clean ass. If she says it will make
her self-conscious, reassure her that she’s got a hot ass
and that it would look even hotter with a finger in there.
If this doesn’t work, try it again three or four more times.
If it still doesn’t work, ASS, then she really did mean “no”
and you should drop it.

Finally, ASS, just because your last girlfriend came really
hard when you fingered her ass doesn’t mean your current girlfriend
will. Different people respond to different stimuli in different
ways. Still, I think you should ask/press/beg on the off chance
that this will send your girlfriend over the edge. Her reasons
for saying no—cleanliness, self-consciousness—are stock anal
hang-up stuff, precisely the kind of excuses that someone
who doesn’t really mean “no” tosses around. A little love,
a little soap, a little begging, and you may help her discover
that she digs anal play.