Will Durst:
The Ayatollah of Pennsylvania

Published: February 28, 2012 4:01AM

Once again, the wacky wheel of destiny takes a mighty spin and the big red pointer lands smack on the name of the next Great White Republican Hope -- Rick Santorum. The seventh or eighth candidate to vault into the lead of the GOP sweepstakes primarily because he is not Mitt Romney.

A similar phenomenon has lifted President Obama in the polls for cleverly positioning himself as not a Republican. Poor Mitt Romney, the more people see of him, the less they like him. His best chance to win this thing might be to slip into a coma for a couple months and emerge this August rested and refreshed.

Santorum, however, is determined to make the road to Tampa a fight for the soul of America. Unlike some of his fallen compatriots, he doesn't claim God told him to run for president. Rather, God is running with him for president. And you should know that neither of them is happy.

You could say Santorum is old fashioned. But it might be more precise to say he's Old Testament. Women don't have rights; they're baby tunnels for Christ. Birth control is immoral, prenatal testing is depraved and gay marriage is an abomination. And anybody who campaigns in a sweater vest obviously knows a thing or two about abominations. The Ayatollah of Pennsylvania is on a mission to drag this country kicking and screaming back into the '50s. The 1850s.

Doesn't believe in global warming, evolution or even public education. Actually said out loud in front of people with microphones, "For the first 150 years, presidents home schooled their kids." Yeah? So what? For the first 150 years, indoor plumbing was science fiction. For the first 150 years, presidents were operated on by barbers whose instrument bags consisted mostly of leeches. For the first 150 years, the sheep barn and the living room were the same place. What's your point?

Addressing contraception on CNN, Santorum's biggest backer, Foster Friess, said back in his day, girls used aspirin as birth control. Hunh? "Yeah, they stuck it between their knees and tried to keep it there." A bad '50s joke. And so is Rick Santorum. Mister Rogers with rabies.

He's so conservative, his globe is flat. To him, erosion is a radical concept endorsed by extreme environmentalists whose phony theology is not based on the Bible. He's so old school, his idea of progress is smelting a lighter alloy for the buckle on his hat. Wants to return America to its traditional values of burning people as witches because their tomatoes grew too big.

Reciting verbatim from Chapter Four of the conservative playbook, Santorum castigated the press for picking on GOP candidates. What these guys fail to understand is that Democrats don't waste nearly as much political capital challenging science and logic. Don't get me wrong, Democrats still say plenty of ludiculous stuff. But not with such vehemence and regularity. Besides, they only got one Joe Biden, Republicans have at least nine.

After the last Republican primary debate, more and more people are beginning to suspect the GOP isn't just scraping the bottom of the barrel, they're squeezing the goo from between the staves the leaked out of the bottom of the barrel. Yeah, right. The last debate. Promises. Promises.

n Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst is a political satirist.