Ancient Tales of a Kingdom not Unlike One You Know

Month: March 2015

Electoralis Federalis came and lo did the people in the land put thumb to ballot to choose the King (or Queen) of the 37 Kingdoms. Yea, were there many contenders but the battle rested between incumbent King Gejoshaphat and King from times and quadrannia past, Gambrach. Key to electoralis was Jegatrix, of parts yet unknown, the Head Umpire. Also key, were the respective Hands chosen by Gejoshaphat and Gambrach, namely Osinoshin (for Gambrach) and Sombre (for Gejoshaphat).

Electoralis had been charged with high drama. They looked for the Scroll de Minimis of Gambrach, they sought the Postularis Maximus of Gejoshaphat; but most of all, they sought chill. Electoralis Federalis had unleashed an Armageddon of unchill across all of Social Mediana and Twillistia.

After ink had been put to thumb and used to seal ballots across the land, Jegatrix summoned all from far and wide to witness the proclamation of the King of the 37 Kingdoms for the next quartrannium. One following the other, each kingdoms umpire brought forth his papyrus of proclamation to report to Jegatrix how each kingdom had elected. And all who witnessed it declared that it was good.

From Ekitilopia, to Ondonia, to Gidiopolis; from Imossotamia to Onyenkuzistan did male and female, old and young emerge from house and under umblerra to make their votes known. And they watched the grand presentation of Jegatrix and they saw that it was good.

But in that hour arose one man, DeoVolenti, a Padipalian from the kingdom of Rivisinia, risible and enraged. And yes though the subject of his enragement befuddled onlookers, he was not deterred. DeoVolenti seized the voice magnifier and with a loud voice called unto Jegatrix.

“Jegatrix!! Thou art much biased a head umpire! Unfairness is thy middle name! See thou this papyrus in my hand? Look! Tis evidence of your machinations!”

The eyes of world turned to Jegatrix, to hear his response to DeoVolenti. And they wondered if a graven image had been placed in the seat of Jegatrix in his place, for no muscle on his body moved and neither did a thread of his robes ripple. Yet did DeoVolenti remain steadfast.

“Jegatrix!! Thou man of ethnic leaning and unjust manifestations! Canst thou not hear me? Thou knave of Gambrach-leaning dross! Behold again this papyrus which I wave in anger so righteous! Take ye heed – if thou wouldst not do unto the Baucheeans as thou didst to unto the Rivisinians, then shall I not depart this place. And yea, will we Padipalians will lay siege to this proclamation arena.”

And lo, did DeoVolenti sit in the middle of the proclamation arena, yielding no quarter even to the centurions that sought to relieve him, and the proclamation arena, of the temporary malady.

Yet did Jegatrix not flinch. Not a sinew twitched on his entire body. No ripple ran across the fabric of his copious robes.

And the people of Social Mediana beheld it and asked themselves, “What manner of man is DeoVolenti? Is his title not ‘elder’?” A disciple of DeoVolenti volunteered the reply, saying, “Know ye not, that he merely doeth his work?”

To which a Twilistine replied with promptness, “This fulfilleth an ancient prophecy. Hear Ye again the Tword, as it is written in the sacred book of Lateefus Kayodexicus, ‘What kind of job he doing? He’s not the only dat dey there!” And yea, did the people nod in unison.

And yet still, had Jegatrix not moved. And the people of Social Mediana beheld it and asked themselves, “What manner of man is Jegatrix? The vituperations of DeoVolenti move him not. He flincheth or speaketh not.”

Finally, Jegatrix moved and reached for the voice magnifier. With placid mien, he spake unto DeoVolenti. “Oh, DeoVolenti, of the house of Padipalia, in the sub-kingdom of Rivisinia! Thou speaketh the words of a commoner. Thou shewest not the nobility of your station, as a courtesan of King Gejoshaphat. Careful that the word thou spillest, condemneth not thee.”

Presently, DeoVolenti departed from the proclamation arena. And, in a season of turbulent, meteorologically phantasmagorical unchill, chill descended upon the land. Yea, did the Social Medianites and Digital Perusites behold it and ask themselves in disbelief, “WHAT MANNER OF MAN IS JEGATRIX!?!? Is he a freakin’ stealer of chill, for unchill hath long pervaded our land.”

And then the Tword came to the Chronicler, “Jegatrix is neither of this land nor time. If thou seekest his origins, thou wouldst go to the land of Arendelle and mention the name of his ancestor Queen Elsa, who starreth as main actress in Frozen, a disneycal story of the most epic chill. Jegatrix is spawn of Elsa and Guardian Jack Frost. Listen, son of man, chronicler of chill, and say to the people of Social Mediana and Digital Perusia, Jegatrix stealeth not their chill; get thou it not twisted. JEGATRIX. IS. CHILL.”

Haaaaaayyyy Gooddddd o! Look at this big mess. They gave me phone, I hear ‘yalla-yalla’, I greet the person ‘Sallam Allaykum’; 3 days pass, dem come say no be King I been follow yarn. He come dey tell the whole world say him Papa na unethical person, cos no be me e dey follow talk. What a mess.

And all for what? That I am trying to con Muslims? What sort of accusation is this? If you want a horse to run fast, will you not chook it pin in de yansh? If you want to deceive a small child is it an unknown relative you will bring? This is why I always say that there are too many subversive elements around me. The people around us are too key for us to be flippant with.

And this woman warned me when they brought the phone o, but she was shouting at the time, so I didn’t take her seriously.

So now, they will say a whole me, with all those letters after my name, that I am a liar. Chai. DiarizGodo. Meanwhile, dem don talk seven, we never talk one back. It’s like my father used to say – a snake that has chop bellefull cannot run fast. Instead of them to run fast and identify detractors, they are talking homosexual something. They are chopping too belle full, all these ones. Look at them.

Their way is even confusing to me sef. It’s like when we were children playing football and you have that one friend that just used to kick ball anywhere belle face. Today, they tell me I should let them say his way is too sharia, I gree. Tomorrow they say let us say he signed homosexual agreement, I gree. To now join the line between sharia and homosexuality, no be flogging and stoning one dey do the other? At least that’s what this Sheikh told me when we were drinking that fine brandy in Qatar last month. Chai! That was fine, fine, cognac. I should phone him and ask for the name but I don’t know who they will tell me that I’m talking to again now, come dey talk irresponsible for den Papa and Mama head.

And this yeye guy, instead of him to sort our all this nonsense, he’s writing me letter. That what? Anyway, he kuku knows, even if the world sees that letter, I don’t give a damn. He just needs to do just have the common decency to do his job and put his initials there, let all the world know it’s truly him.

Anyway, so what will I do about this King matter now? E be like say na real vex e don vex o, as he has called his guy to come back. But you know, these things, hotting head that cannot boil water, as my madam will say. E for jus call me come corner say make I come see am. Afterall, I get over 10 transportation option. I for don dey hin side, ask am weda dat same Qatar brand dey and we quickly solve this problem. You know, even if a man has a half-caste stepbrother, blood is still thicker than water. Maybe it’s just small vexing and not really anger, ha. Anger is different from common vexing. It’s just that some people don’t know.

Hmm, or does Ali have his number? Ali my good friend. I think somebody said his PA said he won’t have my time again until April 1 now. Whether he wants to play me April Fool or something.

This woman is shouting my name again. Let me go and see what she wants…

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