Dear Emuna: Wandering Eyes

My husband thinks it’s normal to notice the prettiest woman in the room.

Whenever my husband and I go out, he always comments on or even pays attention to the prettiest woman in the room. I have told him repeatedly that it bothers me but he dismisses my concerns by saying that his reaction is normal and that I should just chill. Is he right? It makes me not want to go out with him. Am I overreacting? What should I do?

Paranoid Wife

Dear Loving Wife,

As they say, “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you” Or, to paraphrase, it doesn’t mean it’s not true. I don’t believe that you are overreacting. You are correct that your husband should keep his eyes to himself (or on you!). In fact, on Yom Kippur, men have to specifically repent for their wandering eyes.

But, as with many things in marriage, the question is not who is right but how to handle it. In this case, I understand how you could find this painful and demeaning, even though your husband probably does not mean it that way and is likely more “clueless” than malicious. Your job is to determine the most effective way to achieve your goals.

Women have been given what the Torah calls, binah yesera, an extra dose of intuition, and this is the situation where we need to use this skill to figure out how to respond. Nagging and criticism are not only unlikely to be effective but may push him to act out and engage in this behavior even more (perhaps to assert his independence).

So what should you do? I think you should begin by doing everything you can to keep his attention on you and your relationship. If you are going out together, dress up for him. Talk to him, be interested in him, ask him questions about his thoughts.

You may bristle at this advice. After all, he’s making the mistake, why is it your responsibility? But the answer is that you are in this together and you want to make every effort to enhance your marriage. I do believe that the more attention a man gets from his wife, the less likely his eyes are to wander. Perhaps you’ve stopped trying, perhaps you take the relationship for granted, perhaps you’re too tired to make the effort. We can never stop trying, we can never stop making the effort – not if we want our marriages to stay alive. And that applies to every one, in every marriage, whether their husband has wandering eyes or not.

If, in spite of your best efforts, he continues in this behavior, I recommend that you go for some counseling. Maybe he will be able to hear from a third party what he can’t hear from you – how demeaning and insensitive his behavior feels to you. And maybe he will be able to express in a safe environment that it is certainly not his intention to hurt you and the two of you will be able to work out better communication skills and behaviors.

Where’s the Limelight?

Dear Emuna,

Last night was my daughter’s school production, their big song and dance extravaganza. She has been practicing for weeks and talked of nothing else so I was very excited to go. But the experience wasn’t as pleasant as I had anticipated. I understand that certain talented girls will always get the lead dramatic roles, musical solos and dance parts. But beyond that, it seemed to me that some girls were in every dance or choir number (and front and center no less) while my daughter’s dance group got about 30 seconds of stage time. As my daughter said to me on her way out the door, “Don’t blink or you will miss me.” While I enjoyed many aspects of the production, I was unable to quell my feelings of frustration and resentment. Can you help me?

Green-Eyed Monster Mom

Dear Tiger Mom,

You are clearly a mother who is zealous on behalf of her daughter. That is good. It is a mother’s/parent’s job to look out for her children, to be their advocate, to want their best. This is just a variation of that instinct – taken to an extreme. Because it’s certainly not clear that a lead role – with all the accompanying honor and attention – is always what’s best for our children.

The most important issue here is your daughter’s attitude. Did she like participating in the play? Was she as frustrated and resentful as you or did she just have a good time? Was she able to enjoy the sense of unity and fun that rippled through the whole school?

Was her comment meant good-naturedly or was it an expression of pique?

If she is fine (and perhaps even more than fine), don’t allow your frustration to communicate itself to her. Don’t spoil her experience and, above all, don’t introduce jealousy and resentment where there is none.

Your daughter will take her cues from you so you need to get over it! If she has the ability to take true pleasure in the good of others, then learn from her good character. Sometimes our children are our best teachers.

Winning by Cheating

Dear Emuna,

My 5-year-old daughter likes to play games. The problem is that she’s always changing the rules, dare I say cheating, to make sure that she wins. Is this normal or is it a bad quality that I must immediately try to uproot?

Unsure Mom

Dear Uncertain Mom,

Most likely that is just a reflection of the innate desire to win, our inherent self-centeredness and it’s certainly not uncommon in children of her age.

A very positive spin would suggest that she is a very creative person whose talents are inhibited by things like “rules” in games (that’s the excuse my husband makes when we play Scrabble!).

But since life does indeed have rules we need to follow, and since we do want to encourage honesty, I would gently introduce the idea of choosing some rules at the beginning of the game and sticking with them (although I wouldn’t fight about it). This is consistent with the Torah’s dictum “M’dvar sheker tirchak,” “Stay far away from falsehoods.”

I don’t think there’s anything to worry about at this point but I do think you should slowly and carefully try to weed out this behavior, both for her character’s sake and for her social life. Other children will only put up with this type of action for so long before they react negatively to it and then the “winner” needs to do a little bullying to keep getting her way.

Again, I don’t think you are at that point and I don’t think it’s cause for concern at the moment. I just think you should act (slowly, carefully, gently) before it is.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 49

(35)
My2Cents,
June 4, 2013 4:12 PM

you must be joking

with all due respect to the author, telling someone to pay more attention to her husband and dress herself up to stop her husband from looking at and talking to other women is not good advice. i beg all of you women reading this to please disregard that! if the husband has been told to abstain from this behaviour and does not curtail it, it is simply disrespect for his wife! it is one thing to glance at a woman, this may be uncontrollable, however it is a completely different story if he looks her up and down and then blatantly goes to talk with her! no amount of make up or attention could possibly stop a man who is so determined to flirt with other women! it only demeans a woman to try and "compete" for her own husband's attention in that manner. i am sorry to say that this type of advice is very damaging to a woman's self esteem, whether they are observant jews or not. this man has a very serious character flaw that requires professional help and it is certainly not his wife's fault, nor her reponsibility to try and fix it. he needs a good therapist.

Anonymous,
February 5, 2014 3:49 PM

200% agreed

I don't think anyone could have put this more beautifully. Marriage is a sacred institution, and the responsibility to keep it safe and sound rests on BOTH spouses. The moment the husband disregards the wife's concerns or does something as shameful as what has been described, then there's a very big risk for the marriage. Although I agree somewhat that the wife could TRY to keep his attention by dressing up, this shouldn't drain her up and certainly not be her main concern.

(34)
Anonymous,
June 3, 2013 11:05 AM

Wandering Eyes

How I understand you, as I was in the same predicament. It's not that you want your husband to be blind to beauty, however, my husband would get lost for about five minutes as if I didn't exist, stare at younger women, sometimes girls, look them up from bottom to head and initiate conversations with the waitress, the guests at Shabbat meals, turn his head at a beautiful woman when we were strolling hand in hand,etc. I found this extremely annoying and despite my efforts to look good (which eventually became an obsession and a loss of energy), I felt he needed the "stimulation". I am now a happy divorcee. In my opinion, the advice doesn't work at all and I would check whether your husband is looking at inappropriate material...eventually, he can't distinguish the screen from real life.

(33)
Marion,
March 16, 2013 9:52 PM

on the girl with 30 seconds on stage

If the reason that the other girls/groups got to be center stage was because they were objectively more talenten then there is a valuble lesson to be learned. If, however, the teachers played favorites then the mother has a legitimate complaint that should be taken up with the school.

(32)
Peter Bayliss LRPS,
March 9, 2013 5:30 PM

Wandering eyes

Oh dear, i must be sick ! Have been married since i was 22, now at nearly 71, still love and value my dear wife but even now recognise beauty, will certainly look at another woman ! Just looking is, as an ex-science teacher, has experienced is a normal human reaction. Ladies do the same ! Dont you ladies admire or judge a chap and his clothing or even his stance ? We are all just human and have the same biological makeup, the creative drive is within any normal human being. Yes, we all look and perhaps admire, then turn and thank our God for the lady who loves us and shares both dreams and realities. Since when is it wrong to admire beauty ?

Anonymous,
February 5, 2014 3:42 PM

Since when?

Since it leads and has lead to divorce. Other problems that could arise are immorality. Therefore while giving a short look might be understandable, actually dismissing your spouse is downright wrong and shameful.

(31)
Anonymous,
March 8, 2013 9:47 PM

It's a matter of degree

As a guy, I don't think it's a big deal to notice an attractive woman, just like I wouldn't be upset at my wife noticing a handsome man. That doesn't mean I'd look the woman up and down, which would be disrespectful to both her and my wife. But to pretend like some attractive woman is invisible is unrealistic. I'd give her the same notice as I'd give an average looking woman. If that quick glance bothers a spouse, I think she's the one with a security problem.

(30)
Anonymous,
March 5, 2013 1:08 AM

baruch hashem we're observant!

baruch hashem we're observant!Jewish law requires men to guard their eyes and my husband and sons know not to stare at women especially if immodestly dressed!It's one of the hardest commandments for men,so I tell newly observant women friends they're commandment to dress with tsuniut(modestly) is alot easier than men's guarding their eyes!

(29)
Anonymous,
March 4, 2013 8:03 PM

wandering eyes

I totally disagree with you on this. As a wife with the same problem I did all the things you mentioned but it didn't work. I really think it is very disrespectful for a married man to look at another woman specially while his wife is with himt. The man is at fault not the woman.

(28)
Chuck,
March 4, 2013 2:28 PM

Wandering eyes is HIS problem

It is the husband's job to make his wife feel valued, as much as it is her job to make him feel valued. I listened hard to what my wife has said, and will not even put myself in a situation where a hint of indiscretion will arise - and this includes not staring at other women. It only leads to trouble.

(27)
Michael L Schwartz,
March 3, 2013 5:32 PM

Prettiest woman.

Regarding concerns of Wandering Eyes:
I always notice the prettiest woman in the room. Of course for me it's easy since it's always my wife. Others may not agree but they are mistaken.

(26)
batya,
March 3, 2013 7:36 AM

Esther (Women Need TO Take Care of Theirselves

Living in a Holy City Safed,Israel the men who are trained to look down when passing a women,why> Men are Visual,and women today all look like Estherbatya

(25)
Anonymous,
March 2, 2013 11:07 PM

Terrible Advice!!!!!!

I usually find your article and advice right on. But I actually had to read the words twice to make sure I was seeing straight to the response you gave to the wife of Mr. Wandering eyes. I feel that you were essentially blaming her for his problem. Then telling her to " dress up for him. Talk to him, be interested in him, ask him questions about his thoughts.", as if this would be the solution.....I'm actually shocked that this is the advice. HE's the one that is to blamed, NOT HER!!! And to put that on her is terrible...making her think it is her fault and it is up to her to fix it. Sounds like HE"s the one that needs to learn to control himself. I think the writer asking for advice should think twice before she follows this advice and to know that it's not YOUR fault!!!

(24)
Heather,
March 2, 2013 7:26 PM

wandering eyes

Where is the responsibility on the part of the man? Isn't it wrong to look at another woman if you are married? What about him having to guard his eyes? Why isn't that the bigger issue here? I feel very sad & sorry for this woman & can say that many times this has nothing to do with how beautiful a woman is physically. It is easy to see that because a perfect example is actresses in film/tv. Some of them are very stunning & have marriages & seem to have careers, children, beauty, etc, but many of the marriages unfortunately don't last. I pray that they are able to resolve this problem & that she is able to again feel special & loved & beautiful by her husband & that he will be able to see his mistake & love her even more for how she stuck by his side considering what she has gone through.

(23)
zeke,
March 2, 2013 7:20 AM

paying attention

Betty: Grow up. Can you honestly say that you have not put forth effort to be the most attractive woman in the room? That is the natural order of things. It seems that it is o.k. when you are trying to find a date or a mate, but a man is just supposed to stop naturally being attracted to the same things about a woman that you used to attract him to you. Apparently, you think that you possess a singular beauty and specialness that no other woman posses, Surprise, you are wrong and if you are insecure about that fact you should honestly discuss it with you husband and be honest enough to accept the results. Today, you have plenty pof options, so stop whining ,give the man who dedicated his life to the honor and respect he apparently has earned and work on your own insecurities. It just may save your family and your marriage, even though your ego may take a hit.

(22)
anonymous,
March 1, 2013 4:06 PM

I think the response to the roaming eyes is fine, except the part about her being able to keep his eyes on her if she dresses well and asks him questions etc....
While it may help their relationship it will NOT help the man with roaming eyes.
He will still have this issue until he gets help for it. I believe it will only frustrate her further and give her some sort of an OCD about the whole issue. Meaning, she will now try to be little miss perfect and this will not help.
The man has issues and he needs to get help. Yes, men are visual, yet this is too far....

(21)
Anonymous,
March 1, 2013 2:24 PM

More than just bad husband behavior?

The husband needs to wake up. His behavior starts out innocent... Flattering comments to and about other women. Then it's flirty comments. Then he gets more emboldened, especially if he does it when his wife isn't there (which he very well might). Then he gets accused of sexual harassment. Yes, even if he never physically touches his victim, unwanted attention and comments can be sexual harassment and get him in big trouble. I'm a lawyer and I've seen it.

(20)
SusanE,
March 1, 2013 2:39 AM

It isn't about the Husbands' Eyes.

This is about the husband being cruel to his wife on purpose. He knows that when he notices and talks to a woman who he sees as more beautiful than his wife, his actions hurt his wife. Yet, he does it anyway. I am positive he does other things that hurt his wifes feelings. He has taken the first important step in cheating. He is a jerk.

(19)
Far Rock Dude,
February 28, 2013 9:36 PM

It's Only Natural

I think you guys who are bashing Emunah need to see this video by Dennis Prager, "He Only Wants You" http://www.prageruniversity.com/Life-Studies/He-Wants-You.html
I'm not saying it's OK to ogle women. But wives need to understand that the Yetzer Hora is SO strong for men in terms of the visual. Yes, we men MUST work on our Shmiras Enayim, keeping our eyes on the proper things. But when we wander, do not get upset at us. It just means we are weak; not that we would ACT on the issue.

(18)
Rob,
February 28, 2013 6:49 PM

The man's behavior is incredibly disrespectful and hurtful to his wife. Of course men notice other women besides their wives, but he should behave and act AS IF he did not notice other women as being attractive. as if his wife was the most beautiful and most important person in the world to him, because she is and should be that. it's his ACTIONS that count, not his field of view. He must put her feelings and his marriage before his own. And if an attractive woman approaches him, he should deflect any flirtation from her by praising his wife to the 3rd party. The wife should also look at her marriage honestly to see if there is more that she could do to make him feel needed, admired, and respected; sometimes such problems can be worked on together, not by just one party.

(17)
Shemaya,
February 28, 2013 6:29 PM

Don't follow your eyes

I was married 20 years without serious problems. I have no problems noticing women still, but slipping a peek was more my style; and I had esteem issues. I was such a geek that I could not imagine. A young teacher started giving me an extreme amount of attention--but attention to my intellectual side constantly. She did this for three years, making herself available and indispensable making excuses to work with me, and spending more time with me physically than my wife who typically just ignored any interests I had in anything. Anyway the result was almost inevitable and it was horrible like eating dynamite. It ruined my life and eventually added to a destroyed career. My wife stayed and we eventually worked things out. I'm older (she was 16 years younger) and uglier, broken down, poor, etc., etc. Point: it can be more about the head and ears than the eyes. Any fool can look but it doesn't mean they get what they see. But everybody needs something, and people will supply a need we crave. If you crave candy, stay out of the candy store. Spouse, be the candy supplier.

(16)
Betty,
February 28, 2013 6:25 PM

Absolutely not the wife's duty to keep him interested. You don't see wives eyeing other men when with their husbands. What's with men? Somewhere I read this and seems appropriate where it applies. "men are like dogs who chase cars even though they know they willn ever get it or drive it,. They will however, chase it till it gets out of sight." Men, do you really want to be compared to that species ?? Keep your eyes to yourself ond onyour wife. There is huge price to be paid if you don't.

(15)
Elaine Weiner,
February 28, 2013 5:50 PM

Another suggestion for frustrated wife.

I would suggest that the wife have an honest conversation with the "roaming eyes" husband. She might say something like: "When I see you looking at women and paying attentiont to them, I feel scared and insecure because I interpret that to mean that you no longer love me. I feel very afraid when you do that."

(14)
Anonymous,
February 28, 2013 5:31 PM

It is true that it is the Womens Wisdom that builds her home, however...as a wife to a man who srtuggles with "wandering eyes" I believe that your suggestion places all of the burden on the woman to fix this situation. This is often times out of the womans control! Men who struggle with this may have already had a lifetime of this struggle possibly even before marriage! Yes, the wife needs to learn how to deal with this in a sensitive, caring and understanding way...b/c the man might still love and cherish his wife, however it is a lust that needs to be better understood before expecting the wife to fix it! Possibly an addiction that needs clarification before publishing!

(13)
annie,
February 28, 2013 5:14 PM

the nature of the beast

I have to agree with the comments made by the men themselves (the beasts!) And as women, we have to start acknowledging the nature of men, as some men commented 'wondering eyes syndrome'- is here to stay. It is a male issue, put the responsibility on his lap to fix himself.

(12)
RaV Harry Hamburger,
February 28, 2013 4:44 PM

Emuna has the wisdom of Ruth

Wow, what a comment! A wife must not nag, but rather give her husband something pleasant to look at, and fun to be with. Too often the stresses of family life cause both husband and wife to forget that they have a partner to please. Just in the trying, a wife can become the most beautiful flower in the garden. Then, if the bee goes looking for pollen elsewhere, swat him!

(11)
Anonymous,
February 28, 2013 4:22 PM

Wandering eyes hurt everyone

Until 50 or so, I was the pretty woman husbands used to leer at. The men's behavior was destructive for everyone: Me, the wife and people in the community who witnessed this misconduct. My way of dealing with leering husbands was to limit my community involvement. As for the wives, I never understood how they could stay with such a lout.

(10)
Yak Fatzko,
February 28, 2013 4:14 PM

Emunah, you don't get it.

Your advice is not going to work. The wife can NOT fix this problem by "dressing up for him. Talk to him, be interested in him, ask him questions about his thoughts." etc. These are non starters and can;t compete with what he's doing. His interest in the other women is visual, driven by desire, its own reward and the wife can't compete, period. In general, btw (this will be hard for women to hear) men (with some exceptions) don't notice or care about what a woman is wearing. (Ever notice how your husband doesn't really pay attention to clothes or remember what you were wearing when?) We care about what's under the clothes. Looking at an attractive *new* woman generates pleasure and other chemical responses. The ONLY cure is for the husband to learn a Torah perspective and understand that he's causing damage to himself and her. He needs to know the mitzva of SHMIRAS EYNAYIM and to know that gazing at the other woman is an aveira and a form of sex. At THE VERY LEAST he has to know that it's stupid in the extreme to look and comment on other women in front of his wife!! This particular fella is short on brains. The wife needs to tell him it's wrong and hurts her and maybe tell him "let's experiment and I'll start commenting on the cute other males!!" He needs a Rav, pronto.

(9)
Chana,
February 28, 2013 4:02 PM

How I dealt with it

Your situation with the husband sounds familiar. My father is a very gentle and fun person. He used to say, "I am not dead, I am married." He always would notice a pretty woman but he would never disrespect my mother by paying more attention to the pretty new gal in the room. I have learned that while the attention to a handsome woman is often natural, one's behavior is what we can modify. When I dated my now husband, I realized that he not only noticed but also commented and acted out his attention to the pretty lady. It was making me uncomfortable. He used the same argument as your husband. I explained to him that while I also notice handsome men (or men who make more money), I do not disrespect him by flirting or even showing to him that I am attracted. I told him that his behavior makes me feel hurt and uncomfortable. Thankfully, he understood and said that he did not want me to feel this way and would change his behavior. It took a few weeks but now I don't even know who he finds attractive. He showed that he cared for my feelings. Now when we go out, afterwards we may discuss that a particular person was very attractive but he would always add, "but not as beautiful as you are." while I know it is a bluff, it puts smile on my face. :)

(8)
Samantha,
February 28, 2013 3:46 PM

wandering eyes,wandering schmeyes

Placing the responsibility on the woman to keep her husband's attention is making her responsible for his boorish behavior. Her husband is not taking her feelings seriously. Somehow both you and he feel that it is her fault for not acting in a way that would make HIM feel better. She should "lighten up" or dress better. NO, he should RESPECT his wife, listen to her feelings and HE should be the one to change his behavior. His behavior is also demeaning to the women he is 'eyeing' because he is objectifying them as sexual objects. Emuna, you are WAY off the mark with your own demeaning advice. Please rethink your attitudes that have allowed you to blame this woman!

(7)
Anonymous,
February 28, 2013 2:29 PM

guy is insensitive

putting the obligation to attract her husband better is a more mild version of telling an abused wife not to make her man mad. If a man is mature enough to be in a committed relationship, he should be mature enough to honor the fidelity of it not only physically but emotionally too. If a pretty woman catches his eye or invades his thoughts, he should be an adult and turn away. If he can't show his wife that basic respect, she needs to use her leverage and make a choice.

Keev,
February 28, 2013 3:52 PM

Codependant Enabler .. and can she really compete?

Like the commentator above, I take issue with the suggestion to attempt to win back his attention. On a simple level, there's no way to compete with the attractive women of the world while fighting in their arena. As attractive you make yourself for your husband, there will always be a more attractive woman out there calling for his attention. That's just the way Gd designed the world. On a deeper level, feeling you need to pretty yourself up to give in to his wandering eyes (and thoughts, and who knows what else...) is acting as an enabler of his problem. It may be natural for most men, but its a problem, or challenge, and getting sucked into it by trying to compete and control his eyes is called codepedency which is unhealthy and can exacerbate the issue.
My thoughts are to compete where you're strong. You can offer him a real relationship, intimacy, which the eye candy being sold on every corner can't ever offer. Relationship includes my next thought on this: express your feelings, and the feelings of other women in regard to having a lover with wandering eyes. Men are indeed clueless as to how serious this is to a woman, and how damaging it is to real intimacy. If a woman herself doesn't see that, I'm afraid that that woman hasn't experienced intimacy or has given up on the potential for such. Speaking openly about this should build the relationship and lead to greater intimacy. This is a challenge to all men, but it's a hidden gift from above to help confront these issues and seek out real love and intimacy and turn down the artificial saccharin eye candy (that we all know leaves a bad after-taste).

ChavaLeah,
February 28, 2013 4:39 PM

guy is insensitive

Yes! I agree. This advice only brings more pain to the wife by implying that she is somehow less deserving of her husband's notice, honor and respect ("Perhaps you stopped trying...") because of some flaw she has (the advice attacks her beauty and her conduct- both unacceptable. The flaw is entirely his. Only he can act with maturity and compassion and if he needs outside pressure in order for him to behave appropriately(ie the wife trying harder to get his attention) then she needs to decide if she's willing to put up with that or seek therapy.

Zvi,
February 28, 2013 5:29 PM

Venus & Mars

Heterosexual men typically notice attractive women. My wife and I both notice attractive people and feel free to point it out and discuss our opinions. If the husband comments and the wife prefers he NOT, he should certainly make an effort not to comment.
I was pleasantly surprised at the mature and insightful advise in this case ... and I do not always agree w Emuna.
Even tho I enjoy looking at pretty woman, I am against beauty contests as demeaning. Just because I don't think people should be "rewarded" or put on a pedestal for their looks, doesn't mean I don't enjoy looking. See the point ?

C.D.Urbach,
February 28, 2013 6:22 PM

Well Said

Very often the one complaining is given the corrective advice, because the "perp" is fine with the "status quo" and not exactly turning to anyone for advice. As many readers have concluded, in the case of disloyalty (or abuse), this adds insult to injury.

Aharon Tuvia,
February 28, 2013 8:53 PM

A man's point of view

I couldn't agree more! Having grown up in a non-Torah environment I was also taught that it's the nature of men to look at all the pretty women. It took years to unlearn that behavior, but I eventually did. My wife is the most perfect match for me that Hashem could have ever given, and as a faithful Jewish, Torah-committed man she's the only woman who gets my attention.

Ruth,
March 3, 2013 3:49 AM

Thank you Torah Jews!

I am relieved to read some responses that recognize the Yetzer Hara at work here. I too was raised with the foolish "excuses" about how natural it is for men to stare at women, and we are taught to dress and act in certain ways to "keep him interested." Thank G-d i am learning now from a wonderful Rav and community how warped this thinking is. It hurts everyone.

Dov,
March 31, 2013 8:08 PM

admitting is not condoning, at all

I agree with your intent, Ruth. But the Torah states and implies repeatedly that it IS the nature of men especially to get distracted by women they find pretty, even if they are married. And that does not condone it in the least! Your comment makes it sound like you equate them. That is a mistake, hides from the truth, and allows a foothold for the yetzer hora, actually, because it shames frum men, labeling them as abnormal for having desires. That is the surfire way to eliminate communication.
Please relax, accept the truth and help men who want to do better open up and learn how to do better, please.

(6)
Diane,
February 28, 2013 12:51 PM

Regarding the husband with "wandering eyes," I think that is a very painful situation. For starters, it is easy to minimize behavior with cute terms like "wandering eye'" when in fact, the wife is witnessing what may also be termed a "visual affair." Looking at another woman (and the eye is following the thoughts!)will always make the wife feel "not good enough." He is not only betraying his wife by lusting after another woman, he is betraying her by choosing to humiliate her in public.On top of that her feelings are ridiculed and regarded as silly or paranoid, which adds to the beating that her self worth is taking. Add to that advice that it is somehow her fault, that if only she made herself prettier, is another beating. If there is another layer added, that she should be somehow "spiritually perfect," and more understanding, she will become even more confused and guilt ridden, allowing this behavior to rob her of any shred of self worth. The husband's behavior is a game he is playing at his wife's expense. It is degrading, and that is a form of abuse. As far as playing a game by ogling women together, as works of art-that is just giving permission to the behavior, and giving it even more steam. It's asking for trouble. To get into a "tit for tat,how does that make you feel "dialogue-is that really the way anyone wants to live? This woman deserves to be treated with love and respect.

Anonymous,
February 28, 2013 4:40 PM

Wandering eyes

Yes! I agree with your statement 100%!

shelia,
February 28, 2013 10:21 PM

reverse psycho

sounds a little like the husband is wanting,not nearly needing attention.what if the site was on the other foot.

(5)
Chaim,
February 27, 2013 3:47 PM

Garden of Peace

This husband needs to read the Garden of Peace by Rav Shalom Arush. He will learn the necessity of guarding his eyes. No matter how much attention a wife gives it won't matter until men guard their eyes and their personal holiness. By the time I learned this it was almost too late, but Baruch Hashem I read the Garden of Peace and internalized the message. You may think I am being overdramatic but I was just like this husband. The wife should read Womens Wisdom by the same author.

Claude,
February 28, 2013 3:28 PM

My Marriage Suffered and Died Lardely Due To This Behavior

25 years my dear, precious children's mom put up with this behavior on my part. She found a spiritual leader who advocated divorce and promptly left me and our marriage. What more to say?

betty,
February 28, 2013 8:47 PM

Claude,thank you for sharing your most private thoughts.I wish more men would read and learn a lesson. Is it worth that instant gratification to make your wife feel like a nobody ? Take a lesson guys from the brave gentleman.

(4)
Anonymous,
February 26, 2013 2:39 PM

regarding clueless ...

Hello, Emuna. As a man who suffered from the "wandering eyes" syndrome, I'd like to say that your advice, while true, is not the total answer. The problem is the allure of the "forbidden fruit". The best solution is that the man become a better person, more involved with Torah and spirituality, so that feminine beauty will not be so attractive to him. And that has to come from within. My advice to the wife is to follow what you wrote, but somehow try to get him more spiritual. For me it was starting Daf Hayomi & realizing that looking served no purpose - it was all in the mind!

(3)
Julia,
February 26, 2013 10:13 AM

Making jokes and then therapy

Every guy I have dated for more than a year has eventually had wandering eyes. The good men know it is not something they should make obvious and to brush it off when they are "caught". Referring to women as pretty like art, but they are not specifically arousing is a healthy attitude for a man. I think the lady is overly sensitive and her dude is a jerk. She should try first to notice women and pointing them out herself to him. Make a game of it, especially women with noticeable natural assets, or with overdone makeup and clothes. If this does not become a light-hearted game that reinforces her feelings of general worthiness, then there is something wrong. A wife should never feel ugly, even next to a woman who is technically prettier. The other woman is an art piece who is there for a moment and gone. If he is really dense then therapy will not help much anyway. She will need to start pointing out the sexiest man in the room to him constantly, followed with an immediate "how does that make you feel?". Repeat this until it gets under his skin and he freaks out and admits it is hard not to notice other women. Then revert back to making it a gentle game together where women are passing art.
Do not accept love that makes you feel like garbage. You deserve love that makes you feel like you are a good person and attractive to boot. Teach him how to give this love. If he can't or won't learn, don't give it to him. He doesn't deserve it at that point.

Anonymous,
February 28, 2013 4:00 PM

people, not objects

Every woman who is not your wife is someone ele's wife. Not only does your wife not appreciate your ogling another mans wife; just imagine what the other womans husband thinks about this un-called for attention.
I disagree with the suggestion of playing games with other peoples looks; why stoop to such depersonalizing activity to them. Certainly this wife's heart would be far from being in such disrespectful behavior.
No, I am quite certain it is this husband that needs to try to modify his approach to other people. He would benefit from some honest, Torah based counseling.

(2)
Ellen,
February 25, 2013 9:54 PM

normal for a 5 year old

I remember distinctly my 5 year old would cheat in games. I tried very gently but firmly to work on that at his level, and now he is 7 and doesn't cheat. And boy does he have a drive to win! One aspect that worked for him was rather than making it morality vs. winning, to make being highly moral another way to win - like a trump card!

(1)
C.D.Urbach,
February 25, 2013 11:28 AM

"clueless"?

If the wife told her husband "repeatedly" that this behavior (naturally!) bothers her, he is not at all "clueless".
He is wrong. And he doesn't care. There are people who prefer their comfort zone over change.Especially if the only "consequence" is a wife who is not so happy.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

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