Thursdays with Turner: June 15, 2017

My Dear Sweet Turner,

Its been 12 weeks since our last perfect day together. This week has been a hard one not only because it signifies 3 months since I last felt you safe and comfortable inside of me, but also because of life circumstances.

3 weeks after you passed away, your father, who is a JAG Officer in the Army Reserves, was given an opportunity to deploy overseas with another unit. We had to make a very hasty decision as to wether or not he would go. It was a difficult decision, to say the very least, and we felt very impressed that he needed to take this opportunity. It was an especially hard decision to make because you aren’t here with us and your father, your siblings and I are still very much grieving your passing. Your father didn’t want to leave because he knows how much of a wreck I have been because of your death. He knew that I wouldn’t have the support I would need from him and taking care of our family by myself is going to be very difficult in my grief. I reassured him I would be fine, and even if you hadn’t passed away it would still be a horrible time without him here because I would have an infant and 4 other children to raise by myself. Needless to say, the time is finally here for him to leave and he leaves tomorrow early morning.

I have chosen not to think about it until now because I knew I wouldn’t be able to emotionally or mentally handle your passing and his being gone at the same time. Your dad is an amazing man and the best father and husband I could have ever asked for. He cares more deeply for each of his children than any other father I know and is constantly worried about their well being. He is always worried he isn’t doing enough, and he always wants to be around his children and me. Of course you know all of these things about your dad because you see him, know his heart and mind and are constantly nearby. You would have loved having him as a father here on this earth.

I’m trying my best to prepare for saying our goodbyes at the airport. It’s interesting…since having to deal with your passing and the aftermath since that day, all of life’s other problems or concerns seem so small, completely unimportant and easy to deal with in comparison. Yes, I am going to miss your dad terribly and I know it will be difficult, but anything compared to losing a child is a cake walk and I know I’ll get through it. I will miss his sweet embrace and his ability to always know what to say to cheer me up. Our spirits have always known how to communicate with one another. We truly and honestly compliment each other in every regard.

Turner, I want you to know that I know you have given me so many blessings and gifts. One of these gifts is strength to overcome and deal with anything that life may throw at me, no matter how hard it seems. I don’t feel strong in the least right now, but I know I am because I am somehow still standing and breathing nearly 12 weeks after your passing. Although, I didn’t have any choice on continuing to live after your passing, I know I have somehow found strength to be able to not be absolutely consumed in deep grief every second of the day. That first month was a living hell for me and I knew I couldn’t live like that and that you wouldn’t want me to live like that.

Knowing you have given me strength I never knew I had gives me some hope and faith that things will eventually be ok. I know you know I don’t mean that everything will go back to normal or that everything will be grand and glorious as if nothing happened. Rather, I’ll find a new normal and a new me. Hopefully who I am and will become and the life I will lead will have such a precious and beautiful light about it all because of you, my sweet beautiful boy.

You have and will continue to shape my life and who I will become. You are still living on even though you may not be physically here. I am trying my best to make you proud of me. To be a reflection of the sweet spirit you are. To make Reagan, Thomas, Scout, and Andrew proud to call me their mom, to be someone they truly look up to and try to be like someday. I’m trying my hardest to be a better friend, although right now I am a pretty crummy one since I am having such a difficult time really being around people unless it is one on one.

My dear precious baby boy, I love you so much. I am trying my hardest to not be bitter. To not be broken. To not be absolutely crushed each day. Some days I can breathe a little easier and I can see the beauty that still surrounds me a little more than I did before. Other days are down right hard and I just put on a “face” and try to pretend I am somehow making it minute to minute. The pain and heartache I have to just see you again and hold you near me for just one second more is just unbearable right now. Please continue to give me the strength I need to get up each morning and face another day without you.

I love you. I love you so much that every second of this pain is worth it because that means you are mine and I am yours. Forever.

Love always and forever,

Mommy

The sunset where your body is laid to rest on June 13, 2017. It was absolutely gorgeous. I amSo glad I was able to watch it with you and your father.Simply stunning, just like you.

My sweet friend - even in your brokenness you are amazing. I know all of this is so hard for you and that it wont be easier with Dave gone. I know our Father in Heaven knows how very strong and diligent you are because he has thrown everything at you and you have been such an example - even when you don't think so. I have been through my own struggles I didn't know how I would ever survive with days I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up and deal with reality. Those struggles have made up who I am and like you said the other night it is a blessing even through the pain. You are a diamond - the heat and pressure you are going through is just making you shine more than you did before. You are an example and I thank you for that. Here when you need me

About Us

Turning Hearts is my own personal space to express my thoughts, feelings, and reality of having a child who was stillborn at 38 weeks. We are hoping to help support and comfort those who are walking this path called stillbirth, anyone who has lost a child or those who are trying to support a family going through this trial. All are welcome.