Sunday, September 4, 2016

1st 5 Pages September Workshop - Gnann

I climbed the pitcher’s mound and watched Ed Reese propeller his bat around twice. Same old Ed. Same old hotdog act. It was really old.

I was pitching in the bottom of the seventh inning of the city championship. A base runner runner stood on first and Ed was the game winning run. I had two strikes. I needed one more.

“Go with your best pitch.” That’s what my dad would say. Everyone knew what pitch I was going to throw, including Ed Reese.

Tony Sparrow was my catcher, but we were way more than battery mates. Mom said we were “salt and pepper.”

“On radar, Jimbo.” Tony called himself ground control when he was catching me, like he was guiding a jetliner onto the runway.

I listened to my fastball sizzle and Ed watched it carve a slice off the back corner of the plate.

“Strrrrrrrrrrike three. You’re out!”

Ed slammed his bat into the ground. “Are you kidding?”

“That’s’ ok Eddie, another bad call.” Reese’s dad always pulled one of those old-fashioned metal frame lawn chairs up close to the screen near home plate and griped at the umpires the whole game. “It wasn’t even close.”

“Just get one more out, Jimbo!” Mom was right. Move on to the next batter. One more out made my Mets the city champs and I scratched at the rubber to work Reese out of my mind.

Tony pounded his catcher’s mitt. “Finish, Jimbo.”

I wasn’t worried about finishing. I just struck out the Astros’ best batter. No, I just struck out the best batter in the whole league. All I had to do now was get Billy Pepper out. Billy was a right-handed Punch and Judy hitting thirteen-year old and his bat hadn’t touched my fastball all season.

Tony put down a one again, but I shook my head. I was going to cross up Billy with a breaking ball.

Tony looked in the dugout. I could see Coach Perno in the afternoon shadow raise his index finger and shake it. “One.”

I stepped off the rubber and watched a pickup truck rattle by the right field fence.

Honk, honnnnk.

“Time.” Coach Perno was at the mound before I could wipe my forehead. “Throw your fastball three times.”

I just stared at the baseball, studying it like it could tell my fortune. If a baseball could tell my fortune, I might have done things differently.

The umpire finished sweeping off the plate. “Let’s play.”

“Don’t make it rocket science. Throw three fastballs.” Coach Perno walked away, then turned after three steps. “But you’re the pitcher.”

Coach Perno had been a pitcher himself. On his team, the pitcher made the final decision.

Tony slapped his mitt. “I think he’s right.”

I would decide, not my catcher. I lay two fingers inside my glove for Tony to see.

Tony slapped his mitt again. “You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

My curveball dove from the letters to the knees, but snapped inside for ball one. Billy’s eyes were big as hubcaps. His bat didn’t flinch.

I kicked the dirt and the red dust cloud floated on the late afternoon breeze toward right field. I was behind in the count and for no good reason except I wanted to fool Billy. You don’t get points for fooling the batter. The idea is to get outs.

I came back with a fastball and Billy took again. “Strrrrrike one.”

Tony fired the ball back to me. “That’s it Jimbo. Just like that.”

I got the message from Tony, but my mind drifted to my options.

I had three pitches I could throw for outs. Billy may be young, but he had seen my stuff before. I thought it was time for a change up.

I didn’t give Tony a chance to look at Coach Perno. I rubbed my shirt three times and stretched. The ball slid from my hand just right, but stayed a little high. I thought I saw Billy close his eyes, but he dribbled the ball up the first baseline and foul.

The Astro dugout exploded like Billy had driven a line drive to center.

“That’s it!”

“You can hit him.”

I had over-thought my pitches. I should have trusted Tony, but it was time to get the last out and the championship trophy. Then I would start travel ball next week with the best travel team in the state.

The pine trees leaned over the third baseline fence and under their shade, the American Legion field scoreboard lights shined bright.

Mets 3 Astros 2

strikes 2 balls 1 outs 2

inning 7

The screams from the parents and friends caused my neck to tingle. My heart was racing the last hundred yards of a marathon heading for a photo finish.

Billy pounded the plate with his bat. I had given Billy a dose of confidence and he believed he could win the game. I pushed the thought away. Billy had about a one in a thousand chance of catching up to my fastball.

I gripped my fingers across the seams and stretched. As I released the ball, a trickle of doubt rolled down my spine.

I had gripped the ball a hair too tight. I didn’t hear the usual bacon frying sizzle. Instead of carving off the corner, my fastball split the plate down the middle.

Billy’s eyes were open now and he swung as hard as he could. It was just hard enough to pop a puny fly into right field. The ball was going to come down for an easy out and I started jumping up and down.

Then I stopped.

Because the road passed close to the ball field, the right field outfield fence jutted back toward the infield the last two feet of fair territory. That made the foul pole T-ball distance. Billy’s harmless pop up became a cruise missile rocketing fair toward disaster.

A thousand to one chance to touch my fastball and a thousand to one chance to land fair over the fence. That’s a million to one chance that came home for Billy Pepper when the ball bounced fair off the high chain link and tapped the hood of a passing convertible.

Honk!

I stood on the mound and watched Billy step on home plate. He hardly knew what to do, but his teammates did. They pushed him to the ground and piled on top. I watched my own teammates trudge off the field losers because of my stupidity. They didn’t even stop in the dugout before shuffling to their speechless parents.

Tony looked out from the plate with his catcher’s mask in his hand. He gave me a nod of the head to say,“Come on.”

I couldn’t look at him. I waved him off with a shake of my chin.

“Tough one, Jimbo.” I hadn’t seen Coach Perno walk out to the mound. “Let’s go, ok?”

He turned to lead me across the grass of the infield.

Then he stopped and turned back. “You’re one heck of a pitcher. One swing doesn’t change that.”

Coach Perno’s next words had haunted me for a year. “And I know your dad would have been proud of you.”

Maybe, but I had never been stupid picking pitches when my dad was here. I never lost my confidence when Dad was here.

Nothing was ever this bad when my dad was here. It was the second worst day of my life.

16 comments:

Hi Richard – I enjoyed reading this – I think you have captured the right tone/ and a likeable voice for your readership.

You’ve probably noticed your typo near the start where you repeat runner: ‘A base runner runner stood’ – but I’ve included it just in case.

I love your use of foreshadowing: ‘I just stared at the baseball, studying it like it could tell my fortune. If a baseball could tell my fortune, I might have done things differently.’ I think it’s a neat reference to gypsy culture which adds another dimension to your piece and it’s a very striking image of a boy on the cusp of a big moment. It’s so effective here that I wish you’d do it more…

Other things to think about: In your pages, the moment to moment action of the game is clear – and sports, like fight scenes – that’s hard to get right. I am, however, a little overwhelmed by different characters at the start and would like more detail about them to give me something to hang onto. It can feel repetitive when introducing lots of people at once – and what you do give the reader is grounded in baseball references - some more physical detail/ characteristics would be helpful.

I would keep reading and I do find your main character sympathetic but the ending felt rushed. There’s a sudden information dump about worst days and an absent (dead?) father. I think you could drip feed or imply some of this much earlier – especially as I’m guessing these are at the crux of the novel and basically the backbone of your stakes. His dad’s absence could ghost the whole game – maybe even be something that puts him off the final ball…

On reading it through a second time, I noticed you did include this near the start: ‘“Go with your best pitch.” That’s what my dad would say.’ I think you need to make more of the dad’s absence though.

I tried posting before, but apparently it didn't publish. I'm still trying to figure out this blogging thing! So if you get this twice, it's because I don't know what I'm doing! :-) Let's see if I can remember what I said.

I'm a huge sports fan, so I enjoyed this from the beginning. Great phrases drew me in immediately, like "Tony called himself ground control when he was catching me, like he was guiding a jetliner onto the runway," "Reese’s dad always pulled one of those old-fashioned metal frame lawn chairs up close to the screen near home plate and griped at the umpires the whole game,"If a baseball could tell my fortune, I might have done things differently" (great foreshadowing!), and "My heart was racing the last hundred yards of a marathon heading for a photo finish."

We are expected to accomplish a lot in the first five pages (voice, character development, plot arc, etc.), but I'm told the most important thing it to create a main character that the reader cares about. I think you have done a good job of showing your MC's voice and creating tension that makes us root for him. But we also need to have an idea of where this story is going. I didn't really feel that until the last four short paragraphs. You created a great hook that makes me want to keep reading. I want to find out what happened to his dad. But is your book just about baseball and your MC's relationship with his dad? If it is, that's fine. You can create a story with many layers just on that. But if you are heading in a different direction at all, the reader needs to have at least a hint in the first chapter.

A few nit-picky items: How old is Jim? (you refer to him as "Jimbo", but I assume that's just a nickname?). Billy is 13, but you say he's a younger member of the team. Is this a high school team, or a summer league? I want to get a feel for the time of year. Obviously it's spring or summer, but it would be nice to know if there will be some school scenes involved. I had to read the paragraph about the outfield fence a couple of times for it to make sense, but I love how you are creating a setting that is in a rural area. Maybe a cornfield behind the outfield fence? Sorry -- had to reference Field of Dreams there. :-) Some of your sentences at the beginning were short and choppy, which is good for creating tension, but I'm not sure it accomplished that there.

You have a limited audience here. People would need to know baseball in order to understand your first chapter. Having said that, I think you are off to a great start! Kathie

Hello, Richard! Blogger is telling that I can't comment more than 4,096 characters so this will be broken up a bii

First, I am so excited to read your work. Please bear with me, I am a bit rusty on critiques like this. I am better at being able to sit down with someone and discuss what I thought. As for the very first line: I liked it. I am in the setting from the get go, which is good. First thoughts: This story regards sports, probably baseball. Ed is one of those guys who are very confident in his abilities and the narrator is irked by Ed’s whole “Up to bat” routine. Why? I hope to learn more. Also I really liked “carve a slice.” Even as a non-sports watcher, I got that the narrator has quite the fastball. This is really great detail. You’ve got me now. I’ve got that he’s a pitcher and that he is talented. My first concerns: Battery mates? Salt and pepper?What do these things mean? Why are they here? To show relationship, yes, but the terms do throw me off. Salt and pepper makes me think of hair. If Ed and the narrator have a close relationship, show that. If they hate each other, show that. Don’t fret about detail/ word count here. You can always trim somewhere else. “Reese.” Make certain that the reader knows who is being discussed. Careful with switching between “Ed” “Eddie” and “Reese.” In 166 words Ed has been given three separate names now. Pick one that the narrator sees him as and stick with it. Jimbo- This is our first impression of the narrator/ protagonist. Be careful how you play this. In chapter 2 and 3, is Jim still “Jimbo?” or he Jim, Jimmy, or James? How does he see himself? The name is important and how people use his name is important, even from the first page.

“Billy Pepper” watch, again. You’ve already used Pepper once in “Salt and Pepper.” Also- Punch and Judy- watch this reference. It brings to mind dolls that randomly hit each other, which is fine if intended, unless you mean he is an unpredictable hitter. And if he is, isn’t this a good place for a little tension? Show me him getting distracted without the honks. The Honk, honnnnk takes me away from what is going on, which is fine, but SHOW. Maybe the truck honked and Jim stepped off the mound because….? Are the honks important? Why do they provoke him off the mound? He’s not moving automatically. He has a reason to move, so, why?If “you sure?” “I’m sure.” Are not actually spoken, watch using them in quotation marks. This causes you to run the risk of filling the pages with italics- that also must be avoided. Emphasize what must be emphasized but don’t smack the reader over the head to hard. I am aware enough of how signals in baseball are used, but not everyone may be aware of it. What are the stakes? In YA it is important to “show the cards” early. If this team isn’t important, that don’t start things here. If it is, SHOW IT. And- Jim was celebrating before he realized that Billy would score- how does this make him feel?

The perception I have been given regarding YA is this: show the cards early and give me an idea as to what this is going to be about. My first impression of this given the last line, is that main character had a relationship with his father that has changed in some way. Baseball has a lot do with that. Perhaps the honking and ease of distraction has something to do with that. All of that is fine, but if the novel is built around this plot point, these thoughts and feelings should be churning in Jim’s mind throughout these first few pages.

Take things internally with Jim. Given his external surroundings, how do his internal feelings react?

“Billy Pepper” watch, again. You’ve already used Pepper once in “Salt and Pepper.” Also- Punch and Judy- watch this reference. It brings to mind dolls that randomly hit each other, which is fine if intended, unless you mean he is an unpredictable hitter. And if he is, isn’t this a good place for a little tension? Show me him getting distracted without the honks. The Honk, honnnnk takes me away from what is going on, which is fine, but SHOW. Maybe the truck honked and Jim stepped off the mound because….? Are the honks important? Why do they provoke him off the mound? He’s not moving automatically. He has a reason to move, so, why?If “you sure?” “I’m sure.” Are not actually spoken, watch using them in quotation marks. This causes you to run the risk of filling the pages with italics- that also must be avoided. Emphasize what must be emphasized but don’t smack the reader over the head to hard. I am aware enough of how signals in baseball are used, but not everyone may be aware of it. What are the stakes? In YA it is important to “show the cards” early. If this team isn’t important, that don’t start things here. If it is, SHOW IT. And- Jim was celebrating before he realized that Billy would score- how does this make him feel?

The perception I have been given regarding YA is this: show the cards early and give me an idea as to what this is going to be about. My first impression of this given the last line, is that main character had a relationship with his father that has changed in some way. Baseball has a lot do with that. Perhaps the honking and ease of distraction has something to do with that. All of that is fine, but if the novel is built around this plot point, these thoughts and feelings should be churning in Jim’s mind throughout these first few pages.

Take things internally with Jim. Given his external surroundings, how do his internal feelings react?

Hi Richard! Firstly let me thank you for offering up your work for review and comments. It's very brave and appreciated! Okay, I'll comment as I read:

The opening sentence sets the scene and character nicely. I can hear and feel I'm at a game and something important is about to happen. And who doesn't like a scene about baseball? :) I really liked the relationship you're developing between your MC and his catcher, and your MC and his coach. I could feel something intriguing there, a force that pulled me to want to know them more. Fantastic!

Throughout the piece, I'd like to see sentence structure and word choice altered a little bit more. Doing so keeps the readers on their toes - reading toes, that is. For ex: starting a new paragraph with 'I' too many times becomes boring and expected, which will encourage the reader to skim or skip words. Not what you want.

Nit-picky stuff: in the opening you mention that Ed is 'the same old Ed', yet in the next paragraph or so you say that he doesn't expect the pitch that's going to be thrown. As a reader, the first part gave me the impression that your main character and Ed knew each other pretty well. If that's not what you mean, then add a few words to indicate that. Maybe Ed knew a few of your MC's pitches, but stunk at guessing which one he'd throw, etc...

The other observation I have is about the voice. It sounds a little younger than YA to me. It kind of sounds like upper middle grade. It just could be me, but you might want to think about that. I felt this in the way your MC refers to Mom and his word choices in describing the world around him.

Lastly: As much as I enjoyed the introduction to these characters, they were very on the surface. I'd like to know what's up with Dad being gone. (You don't have to give all the reasons and such; just a crumb that makes me go ooh...I need to keep reading.) Does your MC blame himself for Dad's absence? Does he blame someone else? Is he embarrassed by it, and how does it affect the rest of his family? Life? I'd show just a little of this and then expound upon it in the upcoming chapters.

I love this delicate yet highly charged father-son/no-father-son tension. I feel like the entire first scene - the baseball, the duel with the batter(s), the difficult decision to circumvent the new-father-figure (coach) based on the ghost of what the protagonists's father would say - all of it carries the very real loss that the boy feels from his father. I don't know what happened to his father - I trust the writer to tell me. What we have here is baseball as metaphor for a young man struggling - there on the mound - for everyone to see him - with that loss.It's clear that the ghost of the father haunts this story and that's excellent. That's very powerful and very subtle and I like that it takes place on a baseball diamond. There's a taut focus to your sentences and it's clear that you have used your words sparingly, to good effect: "I just stared at the baseball like it could tell my fortune . . ."That sets up the moment where the protagonist decides his own pitch, which decides his (short-term) fate. “But you’re the pitcher”.I love that the protagonist realizes his fate is in his own hands, but he’s haunted by the loss of his father and constantly wondering what the missing father would advise. I wonder, at the beginning, whether you even need to say, "It was really old" after saying "Same old hot-dog act." That might be a phrase-too-far because it's apparent how the protagonist feels about it without that final comment. It’s possible that you say “Dad” one time too many at the very end of the excerpt. On the one hand, it’s nicely poetic and emphasizes the lost father – on the other hand, it may just be one too many. That’s a decision for you, not me.

I love this delicate yet highly charged father-son/no-father-son tension. I feel like the entire first scene - the baseball, the duel with the batter(s), the difficult decision to circumvent the new-father-figure (coach) based on the ghost of what the protagonists's father would say - all of it carries the very real loss that the boy feels from his father. I don't know what happened to his father - I trust the writer to tell me. What we have here is baseball as metaphor for a young man struggling - there on the mound - for everyone to see him - with that loss.It's clear that the ghost of the father haunts this story and that's excellent. That's very powerful and very subtle and I like that it takes place on a baseball diamond. There's a taut focus to your sentences and it's clear that you have used your words sparingly, to good effect: "I just stared at the baseball like it could tell my fortune . . ."That sets up the moment where the protagonist decides his own pitch, which decides his (short-term) fate. “But you’re the pitcher”.I love that the protagonist realizes his fate is in his own hands, but he’s haunted by the loss of his father and constantly wondering what the missing father would advise. I wonder, at the beginning, whether you even need to say, "It was really old" after saying "Same old hot-dog act." That might be a phrase-too-far because it's apparent how the protagonist feels about it without that final comment. It’s possible that you say “Dad” one time too many at the very end of the excerpt. On the one hand, it’s nicely poetic and emphasizes the lost father – on the other hand, it may just be one too many. That’s a decision for you, not me.

I really like this! The main thing I would change would be the telling comments in the narrative. When you say things like, "I might have done things differently", you are kinda killing the suspense because we know how it's going to go. Also, "Coach Perno’s next words had haunted me for a year" and "Then it got worse"-> these statements make it seem as if the narrator already knows the whole story, but you are not in third person which means that your first person narrator has to tell the ENTIRE story as though he already knows how it ends (which completely kills the suspense in his tone). This can absolutely be done, but I think we would be even more engaged if we didn't know how this was going to go because he doesn't know either. I hope that makes sense!

Regarding the genre, you say that Billy is 13 which makes me think the narrator is 13 or 14 himself. If he's a lot older, I think you need to make that clear. Judging from the voice, I would probably have guessed this to be upper MG although it could be YA if it goes in a different direction.

Finally, I would hyphenate and punctuate this part something like, "right-handed, Punch-and-Judy-hitting, thirteen-year-old". As written, it really tripped me up!

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