La-Bas, Baja California - (June 22) -
Apparently there's some film or something called the
X-Flies -- and if there isn't, then a buncha people
apparently just payed, like, $31 million dollars, over
the weekend, to stare at blank movie screens (maybe they
were being controlled from satellites via Java-based
microchips implanted in their endorphins or endoplasmic
reticulae or wherever).

Anyway, "The X-Flies" movie is apparently based on the
TV show of the same name, that many fans are apparently
rabid buffs of.

Unfortunately, I didn't get to see either the film
or the TV show, but here's what it's about,
anyway.

First some background:

The TV show, "The X-Flies" follows the exploits of 2 FBI
agents, Scully and Mulder, as they try to find the
X-Flies or at least find out what brought them in.

Both Scully and Mulder have weird backgrounds. Vin
Scully was the play-by-play announcer for the LA
Dodgers until he got fired by Rupert Murdoch for quoting
Gertrude Stein instead of saying how many balls there
were. But then his sister abducted some aliens and he
had to join the FBI to cover it up.

Maria Mulder used to be a "60's folk-singer" with the
Jim Kweskin Jug Band, who sorta accidentally sold out,
one day, when instead of singing "Blues In the Bottle,"
in the shower, she accidentally got recorded singing
"Midnight at the Oasis," in the shower, and was so
embarrassed when it became a pop hit, that she joined
the FBI to cover it up.

Since the FBI was afraid that Scully would take some of
the DNA from the aliens his sister had abducted and
inject them into humans, they teamed him with Mulder
cause Mulder didn't believe in injecting alien DNA into
humans at all, and they thought eventually she'd
convince Scully not to either.

Their nemesis is cigar smoking man, who is pissed off
because people are always coming up and telling him how,
like, Einstein's Theory of Relativity states that, "If
you wanna find a dumb fucking pretentious loser, just
follow the trail of cigar smoke." So because he's
pissed off about being a cigar smoking loser, he takes
it all out on Scully and Mulder.

OK. That's the background that TV has taken 5 years to
lay out.

In the movie version of The X-Flies, nothing
happens AT ALL, but, instead, everybody just sits around
and explains the cosmos to each other, so, by the end of
the movie, your understanding has gone well
beyond the cosmos, so that, if you were suddenly
in about 5 or 6 plane crashes in a single day, it
wouldn't phase you one bit -- cause you'd know this
wasn't even worth, like, a paren in a line of
meta-cosmic micro-code.

Here's what else we learn from listening to these people
sit around on-screen for 2 hours and just jabber away.
Jabber jabber jabber:

First, it turns out that the X-Flies really ARE alien
flies, and are, in fact, Gen-Xers from another solar
system (which explains their name). They have come to
earth to save all earthly Gen-Xers from the Gen-Yers,
who have seen enough of MTV's The Real World to know
what a load of shit everything is, and, as a result,
just wanna torch the whole fucking galaxy and get the
fuck out.

So the Gen-Xers from outer space, who appear to human
cognitive systems as X-Flies, have been going around
sticking their alien DNA into all the X chromosomes of
Gen-Yers -- even though this, apparently, won't really
manifest until the birth of Gen-Zers, after whom, of
course, there won't be any fucking more people, by
definition, ANYWAY, so, like, why have even fucking
bothered at all??

So, at the end of the movie, everybody just realizes
they've just been wasting not only their own
fucking time, but also everybody else's fucking
time as well.

So Scully decides to go back to announcing Dodger games
and, of course, is immediately abducted into the Hall of
Fame.

And then, just like every other dickbag cliched
Hollywood movie, the film ends in a predictable way --
with everybody just killing everybody they don't wanna
fuck, and then fucking everybody who's left. Yawn.