Thousands In Britain Expected To Recall That They’ve Been Abused By Catholic Priests

Ben Delicious writes from London: Look, I would be the last person to mock people’s suffering, and especially the suffering of children who have been sexually abused. And I accept that there were disgraceful cases of Catholic priests abusing children in their care or under their supervision, but there is no way I’d buy the idea that it involved hundreds of thousands of people, who now come forward and ‘recall’ that they were victims of abuse by men of the cloth. It’s just doesn’t look right. It actually looks very unpleasant, considering that serious compensation is involved.

How come we don’t hear much about the abuse of children in foster homes? It happens all over the place – ask any former inhabitants of these neglected places, but somehow no one is interested in them. Hasn’t got the same zing to it, you see, compared to having a go at Catholic establishments. Just like it’s no big deal when children in state and boarding schools get seduced by their teachers. That happens a lot, but only dozens of cases ever get any mention and the culprits are prosecuted. Because paedophiles generally are being looked after by the political establishments and the judiciary that count a lot of perverts in their midst.

And now for a bit of silliness. As Christmas approaches and the Roman Catholic Church is dragged into another messy row surrounding claims of sexual abuse of children by Catholic priests, this time in England, just you wait till thousands of people would start recalling events of 30 years ago and more that supposedly have a striking resemblance with their sexual abuse performed by men of the cloth.

We, at Stirring Trouble, have set up a hot line, to record stories of child abuse committed by Catholic priests around the British isles that happened several decades ago, for all sorts of people to share them with us. Bob Purity Somerfield, a bank clerk, told us how as a young lad he was walking down a country lane, wearing a girl’s dress and high heels, as he usually did on weekends, when a man looking suspiciously like a Catholic priest jumped out of the bushes and exposed himself. ‘He then fondled me,’ Bob recalls. ‘As I was only 18 then I didn’t realise that it was a bad thing that he’d done to me. But when I told my friends cross dressers many years later, they advised me to sue the Church, and I did.’

Another caller, Darren Candylike, recalled how he once saw a Catholic priest, disguised as a door to door salesman, touch a teenager provocatively. ‘There I was,’ Darren remembered, ‘taking a pee when I saw this man, a priest in all but the robe, approach a teenager and fondle him. I remember peeing on my shoe from the shock.’ Darren said that later he caught up with the teenager, telling him to recall the incident 20 or 30 years later, to join other victims of abuse in some great compensation scheme.

Johnny Bulls..t told our hotline, speaking on behalf of 400 former residents of a Catholic school in Birmingham that had been run by sex obsessed priests in the 1960s, that child abuse was rife in those days. ‘We was fondled, sometimes for days,’ Johnny recalls. ‘Some of us were as young as 16 and couldn’t understand what the hell was going on. Men who looked like priests danced naked around us, screaming lyrics from the Beatles’ songs. Only Catholic priests knew all the songs by the Beatles in those days.’

Most people, who have called our hotline, were asking when they can claim compensation from the Vatican and how much money they can actually demand. Our in-house lawyer, Gregg Dubious, who was himself viciously abused by Catholic priests since he was in his mother’s womb, suggested that all victims of the Catholic Church should ask for no less than $1 million each, so as not to cheapen the cause. Gregg himself is demanding $100 million in compensation, but then he’s a lawyer and a deeply religious man, so he is entitled to it.

It is expected that around 3 million people in Britain will recall, at any time soon, that they were abused by Catholic priests as children. London alone that has dozens of Catholic schools may produce tens of thousands of claims.

A promotional poster with the words, ‘Been Fondled By A Catholic Priest As A Kid: Well, What R U Waiting 4?’ will be launched by a group of victims of child abuse, to highlight their plight and help more people to recall incidents of mistreatment by men of the cloth when they were children.

The Vatican has declined to comment on these disturbing facts, saying that the Pope was in Cannes on business and all the cardinals were busy doing their usual religious stuff.