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Ageism Wins Again: 25-Year-Old Man Not Allowed to Play High School Basketball

Star Tribune – Police say a 25-year-old man duped two Dallas high schools for nine months by posing as a 17-year-old student and Hurricane Harvey evacuee in order to play basketball.

Court records show Sidney Bouvier Gilstrap-Portley faces a charge of tampering with government records. He was arrested Friday.

Dallas school district officials say he first enrolled at Skyline High School and later moved to Hillcrest High School, where he joined the basketball team.

Isn’t this pretty much everyone’s dream? Aside from being terribly out of shape, I always wonder how I’d hang in high school sports now that I’m 14 years removed from my senior year. Holy shit, I’m old. I never realized how old I was getting until I just did the math to see how long ago it was since I was 18. Maybe I should’ve lived out this fantasy as a 25-year-old like our boy Sidney.

Even though I’m 7 years older than Sidney-something-something-Portley, I would probably still be a force; slashing across the middle and shedding all tacklers on my way to a 74 yard touchdown romp. Would I run out of gas and collapse halfway to the endzone? Probably, but I’d make all of those 17-year-old punks pay for it along the way. I take no prisoners when competing against boys nearly half my age.

Jesus, I’m old. I gotta quit doing this to myself.

As long as I can stop psyching myself out over how hold I’ve gotten, I have no doubt that I could be my local high school’s Rob Gronkowski with a beer gut, two bad ankles, a questionable knee, crippling carpal tunnel and a back that can spasm at any moment. Tell me people wouldn’t pay $5 to watch that on Friday nights. We’ve all seen The Rookie, I’d be that but just in high school football. It wouldn’t be creepy at all. If Dennis Quaid can overcome Randy Quaid being his brother and still make it to the major leagues, then there’s no reason I can’t fight off some muscle cramps and double up on ankle braces.

I just wish we had a stat line for Mr. Basketball. If he was 25 and not putting up killer numbers, then what was the point of all of this? You don’t take this chance and risk the embarrassment of getting caught if you’re only putting up 8 points a game with a measly 4 rebounds. C’mon Sidney, go to Dick Baumgartner’s shooting camp for me one time. Some kids just don’t have the drive and determination to make it in today’s cut-throat high school athletics culture. You’ve also gotta wonder what would’ve happened if he played so well that he started to get some national attention and colleges looking at him. How would that go? He’d be a hit in the dorms since he could buy everyone beer, but would he be accepted on Parents Weekend when 19-year-old Becky introduces him to her parents? Doubtful.

I didn’t care to look into it too far, so I don’t know if this sort of thing can lead to jail time but I doubt it would. And that’s a good thing, because somewhere in NYC Danny Almonte is waiting to sit down and have a beer with his fellow over-age-chiever.