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23 June 2014

Owning your story .. & your power

I’m Anna. “I know that” – is how I imagine
you’ll be feeling right now. “We know
who you are. You know, that girl behind lifesshinyprettythings, you travel a-lot, love champagne and inspiring quotes”. And you would be right. More than right, deeply correct in fact. However, behind
every single human walking this divine planet, there is a story, a story that
although YOU might think isn’t significant, is YOUR story and one that you
should never shy away from.

Back in January of
this year, I heard a lady I deeply respect and admire on stage say the following;
“you only ever see the glory, you never see the story.” Something about that
sentiment made my whole being scream ‘yes’.

Which brings me to
my space today, it’s just you, and me, and some honesty time. I felt it time
you got to know some more of me.

Why? For a
multitude of reasons, but the main reason I wanted to share some of my back
story was for this reason; to inspire people to never, ever, EVER be ashamed of
their past or who they WERE, or where they came from.

Who you were, what you have done to yourself, what others have done to you –
means nothing other than the power YOU give it. This honest heart to heart,
just between you and I is for you to draw the line in the sand, move forward
with huge divine leaps and bounds and owning that your past IS your past and
that is totally ok.

And here is some
of mine.

So let’s start again
shall we?

Hi. I’m Anna. I’m 26, and madly in love – with life, my soulmate, the
universe, and just showing up, each and every day to the best of my ability.
But I wasn’t always this way. At all. I have been angry,
hurt, consumed by rage and unknowingly a victim of believing that life and
emotions controlled me.

And that is where
my story from an age I’m ready to share begins.

If you were standing in a room with me 10
years ago, you would have been standing with 16 year old me. That girl. Ooph.
That girl. Even if you hated her she still would have hated herself more. She
was full of anger, hate, self doubt. She desperately
wanted to fit in but had years ahead of her to discover she was actually born to stand out. She was stuck in a world of fakeness, self hate and lack of believing in
herself. She was vulnerable and sad. She had come from a childhood of love from
her mother, but anger and physical and emotional abuse from her stepfather. She
knew she wanted to do something big in the world but couldn’t at all see a
bright future. Her diary was filled with self loathing, sadness, anger, total
despair. She felt like a nobody and nothing and she felt the best way to be
loved and fit in was to conform, be silent, go with the crowds and let
everybody stomp on her dreams if they were ‘cool’. She did however have a
fight in her and a desperate will to be a somebody and something – but it was a
daily battle of survival in her head. This went on for years, and years, and years.

5 years would past much the same and I
developed in to 21 year old me. She…. oh boy, she was feisty, and she was still desperately trying to work it out
– but so much closer to the truth of it all and herself. She had spent years
giving herself to boys too easily and abusing her body with drugs and alcohol.
She was anxious, severely anxious to the point she needed to be medicated, and was still so
deeply desperate to fit in. From 17 – 19 she hated a lot of men and used them like she felt she
had been used. She didn’t care for her health – at all, and would do anything and everything to fit in to and
stay part of the popular crowd. Her anger led her to girl fights and just using angry words didn't cut it anymore, she had to use her fists as well. She especially used harsh words against those that loved
her most and cried most nights in the shower. She even cut herself once or twice. Stupid
crys for help I suppose.

Of course that Anna didn’t stem from just
nowhere – I wasn’t just a misguided teen who didn’t get her own way and listen
to sad music. There is much more to the story that I will one day share. But
for now – just know life hasn’t always been abundance and positivity, rainbows
and good times.

So that was her. Angry. Hateful. Self
loathing. Would use her fists and her words to hurt anyone that was a threat.. Gave
herself up to boys with minimal self worth. She truly believe the world was against her and no
one could of told her otherwise She had, in every way shape and form,
completely handed over her power.

21. Age 21. Remember this as well, that was
5 years ago. Just, 5 years ago. But age 21 was incredibly poignant for me as
it was the year that I decided I wanted more. I wanted to figure out who I was.
I wanted some of my power back. I knew, I so knew, that debilitating anxiety, the
hate in which I would deliver words, developing adult acne and being grossly
uncomfortable in social settings although I was ‘popular’ wasn’t normal – and so,
I started to massively challenge the status quo.

I started to read motivational books. The
first book I ever picked up that fundamentally changed my life was Tony Robins
‘awaken the giant within’. I didn’t at the time even give any thought to the
book title but now today, when I think back on that book and what it did for my
life – it is the title that I think of. I did in fact, start to awaken my giant
within.

I changed up my routines. Hell, I developed
routines (morning routines, exercise routines, healthier eating routines, self
love routines). I said no to the odd social invitation that was just full of bitching, spiteful conversations and comparing the latest who wore what, and I worked really,
truly, deeply hard – on myself. I started a blog to diary it all - the blog
you’re reading today – and I started to cut the ‘shit’ from my life … drugs,
friends and bad habits.

A funny thing
happens when you’re trying to change, or grow or develop or be a better human
though – people from your ‘old’ life don’t understand. They push back.
They cut you out. Hell, they even bully you. And beautiful you – I had it all.
I was “that” girl who almost let the world break her again. BUT. I realized in
that moment, that the ‘friends’ who hadn’t once blinked when I was who I was
when I hated myself, didn’t want anything to do with me when I went on a quest
for self love and playing bigger.

That was the next phase for me though. I went through bullying because I started a blog. I went through bitching and loosing friends because I wanted to change - be better, feel better, do better. You have to understand as well, this was at 23, when you feel you've gotten through most of the 'shit' to have the friends you want in your life. They were the exact ones holding me back however and when I decided to break free and give this thing called life a better go - they didn't like it one bit.

Lucky I never listened to a word they said. Instead of remaining small to fit back in, I deleted every single one of them from my life. And to this day, it is still the best decision I have ever made. To say it was easy and something you can quickly move on from would be a lie. That whole phase was in itself another journey I had to go on and learn from and grow stronger in. But I did.

It’s been 5 years
since I went on the journey of self love, growth and went on my quest to play
bigger in the world. And what a 5 years its been.

So what’s my story
now? I love who I am. I get that I control my emotions and choices and that can
either make me happy or unhappy – but its MY choice. I honour self love. I have
a deeply loving, fulfilled divine relationship to my soul mate (soon to be
married in 4 months!). I am truly happy. And I mean, wake up with a smile, go
to bed with a smile – deeply grateful for every waking second ..happy. I live
an enriched, extraordinary life (on my terms). I retired at 25 to become an
entrepreneur and have just retired said hunky fiancé above from the multiple
six figure (& growing) business I have.

And do you know
the secret to it all? I honour every part of who I was right up until today. 16
year old Anna was a girl I honour, appreciate and acknowledge. 21 year old Anna
was a girl I honour, appreciate and acknowledge. And 26 year old Anna? Hell yes
I honour, appreciate and acknowledge her.

Just know this
though – the life I get to live now I wasn’t ‘born’ in to and more importantly
WHO I am today, is a far, far cry from who I was a mere 5 years ago.

So why tell you
all of this? Because I believe, no matter who you are, no matter where you have
come from, no matter what you’ve done or not done – your story matters – YOU
MATTER. And if you THINK you can't have it all - I am here to tell you otherwise. You can.

You, totally,
fucking matter. SO much more than you are giving yourself credit for and if you
think your story of your past might haunt you, is boring, sad, whatever else –
then its time to know that it isn’t, and it won’t.

I think a big part of living quite 'out there' as well is people really do only sometimes see your success, your 'glory', not your 'story' - and not for any other reason than there aren't opportunities for you to share this deeply or honestly - but this was an opportunity I decided needed to be taken. And the shiny stuff isn't always relatable. You might still be on some level stuck where I was 5 or so years ago. With the shit friends, total lack of self confidence, consumed by anxiety, angry, having handed over your power. And for some, THAT might be the relatable aspect. What you have to believe and understand though is even if you feel stuck, or not where you want to be yet - if you want it bad enough you'll get there and create the dream life you desire. And if you don't believe it just yet - borrow my belief because its exponentially HUGE for you.

All that you are,
all that you were, all that you hope to be – that is your story so its your power.
You are so significant and have so much greatness inside of you.

I want to see more
women rise up and say this is who I am. Flaws and all. This is who I am. Not so
pleasant past and all. This is who I am. That is who I WAS but this is who I
now AM.

Let your story
inspire and empower you. Your time on this earth is so damn precious and you
don’t have to accept anything less than extraordinary for one more day.

I didn’t – and I
feel like I’m doing ok.

And know this.
That every day, no matter who you are, no matter where you are in your life
journey – I send you love, I send you light, and I am cheering you on … always.

Just own it. Own who you are,
but don’t let it stop you from being who you were BORN to be for another day.
Please just promise me that.

GO SHINE BRIGHT
YOU CRAZY DIAMOND

Big love, Anna xx

P.s the top photo was something I put up on Facebook a few months ago with the following excerpt - in the spirit of this post, I thought it was apt to share - especially because this post even a year ago would have been too hard for me to share ... This post is in honour of having a voice, a voice I've grown over the past 7 years. Read a little more here;

Just a little visual of how much can change in 7 years. The photo on the left was Morgs & I's first Christmas together in 2007, a photo I didn't even know existed until his mum pulled it out on Friday over Easter lunch. The photo on the right is us a few months ago (me make up free minus a smidge of mascara). 7 years. 7 years and different people and different worlds. 7 years, and a jaw surgery, 17 kg loss from me and 21kg loss from Morgs. When people ask me how or why I'm so positive this is the perfect example in pictures. Because I went on one HELL of a journey with this incredible, extraordinary man beside me the whole time. There was many (there still funnily enough are) people / 'friends' who never liked the transition from who I was on the left to the girl on the right. The girl on the left (largely due to my jaw, and how I felt about myself) kept herself well well within her comfort zone. Conformed. Got in to fist fights (yep). Tried desperately to fit in. Had debilitating / medicated anxiety (I wonder why!!). Kept journals on self hate. Fought with the one man who saw the spark in her and used harsh words. Had a seemingly fun, but bad relationship with drugs & alcohol and was of no service to the world (or Morgs) as I didn't love myself so how could I ever love anybody else. Then I had my jaw surgery. & as I always knew, I grew more in to the woman I knew was in there just masked by deep deep insecurities and trying to fit in and play small. I started my blog I suppose as a way to journal for myself the new journey I had begun. The week I started it I lost almost all of my friends (biggest gift ever given to me in this life was loosing them all though) because they literally, literally couldn't handle the girl I was trying to break free from and the girl I was trying to become. Morgs, of course, just pushed me to keep going and play bigger and show the world who I was. That was 4 years ago now. You can't imagine the bullying I've had, negative words directed towards me, either to or behind my back, and the level of misunderstanding that has gone on in my life in the past 7 years, all because I was moving towards being who I wanted to be. Fact. That is who I am today - the loud, heart on my sleeve, POSITIVE, tellyouhowitis with love always, don't have time for haters or negative people, adventurous, over sharing girl....of which I am really proud of. So what is the point of me telling you all of this... there are many but the main one is this. A HUGE thing I realised over the weekend is this. I grew a voice. Something I want for everyone. We all have different volumes, and although mine is loud - it's for good reason. There are SO many people coming in to Morgs & I's life at the moment because of our new (amazing) path we've taken and are taking with Isagenix - but the biggest thing I realise amongst our generation is people have lost their voice. They are SO scared to live in to the person they were born to be instead, being the person the world has told them to be. So this is my promise to you (especially you females, and Morgs is the same for the men)....Isa or not, if you are wearing masks, scared to speak up, speak out, change, grow, be more positive, hit post on that positive status or give a new opportunity a go, BUT are open to dropping the masks, to live more impeccably, to not be afraid to be more positive and to have a VOICE...then we're here, cheering you on, sharing in your courage, lifting you up. The world has enough problems and I want to encourage more people in being the solution....you might get a negative asshole along the way, I sure have, but for every one of those, there are hundreds more positive ones - TRUST me, that I know. If you are one of the negative people that bring those people down just trying to give something a go - you are the sad one, and just know, to judge anyone is to judge yourself. Go live BRAVELY...go live with love, go live with gratitude and come and be a part our fun crazy abundant world. I went on a 7 year journey to have a voice....and no one, will ever take it from me again

Ive been reading your blog for years and seen the changes in you this last year as you dive head first into your creative journey and road to discovery. Never stop learning and being yourself. You have such a talent for writing too, maybe you'll be writing your own motivational books next! xx

Wow Anna such an incredible journey you have been on, I have only come across your blog recently and I love it and have been reading them one after the other. I have seen you on stage before and was in awe then but now knowing your story I am even more in awe!!! ..you have a wonderful way with words...this post is so real and raw and inspirational...thanks so much for sharing...keep on shining, you are making a big bright difference to this world...xxx

I love personal accounts from someone who up until that point, was a cool chick who lived out in cyberspace. Connecting with another person on their level is wicked and I can't get enough of posts like this. Thanks so much for sharing, Anna!

UM wow, reading this fully again and letting it sink in - your writing and inspiration and beautiful story telling has evolved and you have evolved and your such a divine human. Love you and your work darling heart. this is where dreams are brought back to life in words like yours above x

Hi Anna, I read every word you wrote and I have to admire you even more for how far you´ve come and how bravely you fought for becoming the woman you are now. I myself was bullied when I was 14/15 years old and never was and is the most popular girl anywhere until today. So now that I´ve just read this post, I know how to work on things I want. So I am definitely going to! And while doing it I will never be ashamed to say: This is who I am! :)