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Let me start this post off with a quick disclaimer: I am drinking. Not heavily… but I am drinking.

Ready? Go.

First off… Hi, Dom. Hi, Mike.

Now… let me tell you the story about upstairs neighbors douchey boyfriend. ALL of apartment neighbors have douchey boyfriends, but this one takes the cake.

When I googled “douchebag” to include an image, I came up with this:

Yes… he is most certainly ALSO a douchebag. However, upstairs neighbors douchey boyfriend looks more like this:

1) No, mom… quit thinking it right now. This boy is not cute, and he is not dressed well.

2) This guy, and upstairs neighbors douchey boyfriend BOTH think that their shit doesn’t stink. You’re right… your shit DOESN’T stink, because it is DROWNING in Abercrombie & Fitch cologne.

I know you all know exactly what A&F cologne smells like. If you’ve ever been with 150ft of an A&F store, you know the smell.. and you know it gets in your nostrils, it singes your nose hairs, and you smell it for hours.

So… unfortunately, I run into upstairs neighbor and her douchey boyfriend ALL. OF. THE. TIME… maybe this is a sign that I need to leave my apartment more often. I dunno.

Regardless… tonight, I’m taking the dogs out (douchey boyfriend is afraid of Dori and Evi… all eight pounds of them… for real)… and douchey boyfriend is in the stairway with upstairs neighbor, STINKING UP THE STAIRWAY with his cologne… looking exactly like picture number two. When I walk outside, I still smell douchey boyfriend. When I return from taking the dogs for a walk, I can STILL smell douchey boyfriend in the stairway.

Gross. Douchey boyfriend, the following is a shout out to you:

Abercrombie & Fitch has a very specific demographic… roughly Junior to Senior HS… beyond that, you really need to expand your wardrobe. If you want to dress “nicely,” please shop elsewhere. J Crew has a great selection of clothes. Banana Republic, too. Express is nice. I dig it. EVEN MORE SO… there is absolutely no reason that your douchey attire needs to be washed in A&F cologne. You smell like a Justin Bieber concert.

That is all. 🙂 🙂 🙂 I love douchey boyfriend. A close second is across the hallway’s almost as douchey boyfriend… who likes make me nauseous by singing love songs to across the hallway neighbor… really. loudly.

Some of us live by ourselves and DON’T have a douchey boyfriend, thankyouverymuch. 🙂 🙂 🙂

Speaking of douchebags (read: picture 1 of DB’s), it is now Jersey Shore time, beeeeeeyotches!