You are too sensitive, man, cheer up! Take it easy, yes, lighten up! You don’t have a sense of humor! You are darker than dark matter! What is wrong with you? Didn’t they teach you that seriousness kills?

Don’t be too sensitive! Be a man! Hide your emotions, just laugh it out loud, and pretend life is so good! Just go out, party like a dude!

She ain’t gonna like seeing you sulky, acting weird, emotional, or grumpy. Yes, she wants you to be funny, and, of course, you gotta have a promising career, and a physique so manlier; otherwise, don’t even bother. Whoever you think you are inside, flush it down the toilet. No one cares about it. In fact, if I were you, I would hang myself because you are nothing but a disgusting riffraff.

You don’t belong here! You are a mistake, should’ve been terminated earlier! You are a failure, a fugly loser! No one wants you, no one loves you, never!

As he keeps looking at the man in the mirror,
the disturbing voices in his head get even louder.
The insecurity, the BDD effect grows in him like a cancer.

There has to be an end to such self-hate! There has to be a way out!

He screams in silence.

God, if you are there, if you can hear, tell me why you make me so bitter! You say I am your temple, created to carry you within, but look what I have become: stinkier than a toilet room!

Violently, he punches the mirror,
and shatters it. Broken pieces everywhere,
and blood, gushing out of his fist.
He resentfully watches as his blood drips …

He is sick and tired of his wretched existence.
He is mad, he is furious, and he is angry!
He is frustrated because he constantly runs
into scenarios that remind him of his nothingness.

God, was I born this way? Or how did I lose my innocence? What happened to my confidence? What happened to my cheerfulness? Why can’t they see I’m your temple? Why do they make me wanna go to hell?

Questions.
No answer.
No God.
Only silence.

As he stands there,
the disturbing voices
begin to fade away.
But in that darkness,
her words in his head
create a new roll of negatives.

He wants to walk out of this mess,
but he has to figure out how.
Suddenly, he sees a water lily in the darkest
corner of his brain; slowly forgets feeling low.

***

After reading a story about a man who almost committed suicide because of self-hate (as a result of BDD and other insecurities), I couldn’t help it but write this. Rescuing his miserable life took a spiritual enlightenment and a loving woman who showered him with true love like no other. His story is a testimony to the fact that a simple gesture of genuine love and care can save lives; not to mention, his case reflects that women are not the only ones who suffer from self–image disorder. Sad that society forces millions out there to hate themselves and to eventually destroy their lives. But we can change that! We can say NO to the self-degrading, materialist BS thrown at us 24/7 from every direction.

16 thoughts on “Disturbing Voices”

very upfront work.. and RIP Gary Speed, a footballer and manager of Wales who committed suicide from depression only a couple of days ago.. he was seemingly a successful man with a wife and family at the top of his career but nobody saw the warning signs.. so very poignant for me this poem..

Thank you Tigercity for stopping by and commenting. I really appreciate the fact you took your time to reflect on this piece. This is a painful topic that we rarely address properly. A couple of months ago my friends and I lost a friend (RIP). He was a promising young physicist from Ethiopia, but, out of the blue, he committed suicide; until today, no one really knows why—my guess is that any of the things mentioned in the above poem could be potential reasons; the guy was most of the time a loner, but after his death, there were messages of love outpouring from everywhere; that made me wonder: had he seen that many loving messages while alive, could he have gone through suicide?

i am deeply touched by your story, your naration, your words.
and it’s very true – the dark stuff that goes in our heads.
love, care and support – without which one drowns.
we need to be surronded by people who we can depend.
in times of depression, sadness, lonely times,
something as simple as “a water lily in the darkest corner”
can help boost confidence to face the cruel cruel world.