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At the rate I am (or have been) studying the Tarot, I may well do a PhD on it. I also believe I have sufficient interest in philosophy to be able to spin a real good paper out of it. Jokes aside, my past four years of “studying” the cards was through practical usage. It’s a pretty cool exercise you may want to try too. Every morning, I will pick a card and read up all the different explanations on it to have a feel of what it means, and also make a wild guess of what is coming for the day. At the end of the day, or at the occurrence of an event, I try to understand how the card can potentially apply to the significant event that happens that day. So now, when I pick up a card, I recall the significant events that had happened before. Through time, I connected the dots now and formulated a clearer picture of each card’s meaning and application.

YET, there is a part of me still preferring to take it as “for entertainment purposes only”. YET AGAIN, I was totally flipped out yesterday after pulling a few XVI Tower cards in a single day. Ouch. It is really freaky for me (who can be quite a control freak) because XVI Tower means that something outside my control is going to strike me when I least expect it. It is paradoxical, because now that the cards keep telling me this, how unexpected can it be? It only got me really paranoid. Did not help that I was already in a pressure cauldron of my work-o-sphere.

Nothing happened yesterday though. Not from external factors, at least. But I did break down from a sudden realisation that whatever I have been writing on my blog, pinpointing the external is actually pointing to myself. The mirror does reflect, it just took me a long time to look at it as a mirror. So I guess the lightning did strike in the form of a sudden revelation that burned me through and through. The weak structure is my false belief or false reasoning of “I make the best of the situation and move ahead as it is the best in my ability in that situation”. You know what XI Justice says? “Sure, then let your own regrets bite you in your ass years later”. The scales are for weighing between logic and intuition: intuition says I could have pushed my boundaries a little further rather than make use of logic to create all-sorts-of-excuses of what is available on my plate. Me says, “but I did not know or understand so much about life then”. So XI Justice replies, “yup, so you suffer your regrets now”. Well, objective truth it is.

I have always been someone very very proud of my conviction that we live out life, and therefore there is no reason for regrets. We decide, we act, we live it out. What we decided not to is just not meant to be, and therefore we should not delve too much into it. I forgot that there is also another Higher voice prodding us to do more than humanly viewed do-able. To put it plainly, we have to challenge ourselves to do what is beyond our comfort zone, rather than just “making do with what we (think we humanly) can” given the current resources. This new journey of healing my Inner Child is shedding lots of light on the Shadows, and the ugly head is now rearing back at me. Suppressed emotions give us a toughie looking armour, but what is inside is still very tender and vulnerable. It is only when we can embrace who we are, including all our vulnerabilities, that we can allow and receive more love and light. The armour protects and shields, but it also blocks.

I agreed to do live to my highest potential, so right now I am removing the armour piece by piece. Bear with me, as this blog is probably going to be in its depth of emo-ness until I learn to live as a emotive human. Or when the tears dry.

OH. AND. My first meditation with XVI Tower was it crumbled, foundations and all, and what resided inside was a very alive, robust, and wise tree. Not soft, but not at all cold and hard.