PLEASE HELP. My mother in law refuses to give up smoking.

Tabitha - posted on 03/03/2010
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SO my mother in law takes us to Costco today to use her membership card. When coming home she mentions how I guess my mom and her made arrangements on having a BBQ at her house, which I didnt mind. I did mention to her if we are going to be having it outside to NOT smoke around the baby still who is 6 months, even though it is outside I think you guys can go to the front of the house when yall smoke. She gets all pissed and says " I dont know what you big deal is, why do you have such a problem" MIND you I have asked her and her husband TIME AND TIME AGAIN TO NOT SMOKE AROUND my daughter or with my daughter in the houe I have been nice as can be got personal with an email in person the WHOLE 9, I have DONE all that I cando. I am NOT gonna allow it to be ok at any time for her to smoke around her. Also let me add when we went to load the car today at the store she lite up with my daughter less tan 1 foot away. IM DONE IM PISSED IM DISRESPECTED I COULD GO ON. I need advice some sanity some SOMETHING. I keep trying to makes sincere effort and NOTHING in return she had the nerve to tell me "You have to think about the smoker vs the non smokers, smokers weighs it out" I CUT HER OFF BEFORE SHE COULD FINISH HER LAST WORD and SAID " I DONT FUCKING CARE IF IT IS 100 to 1 , You obviously can not respect my daughter and her health, weather you smoke or raise kids or grandkids smoking I DONT CARE" THAN she STORMED off driving with out saying BYE at all. I FURIOUS. ANYONE HAVE ADVICE SANITY. ANYTHING????

I can pretty much guarantee that MIL knows the health risks of smoking not only to herself but also the second hand exposure. Harping on her about it is not going to induce her to quit especially not in her own home. You have to weigh out the negative of your kiddo being exposed to periodic second hand smoke with the positive of what sounds like a fairly engaged and caring grandmother. Please remember that smoking is an addiction and not just a choice. Also, please remember that smokers are not evil people because they smoke.

I also agree with Marina you have to give respect to get respect and it doesn’t sound like you are giving much. I would also ask if you are still smoking pot. An activity that, at least the last time I checked, most people don’t do in their front yards. If so you don’t have a leg to stand on. Pot smoke is just as bad if not worse for your baby than cigarette smoke. You certainly can’t come down on her for smoking through her pregnancies when you did too.

You can make the decision to limit the amount of time that your daughter spends at their home by having them come to your home, or having them do outside visits. I don’t see that you continuing down the track you are on is going to produce positive results for you or your daughter.

You can't force someone to not smoke around you baby unless they are in your home. If she wants to smoke in her home or her yard she has every right to do so. Even if babies are present. End of story. You've told her you don't want her smoking around baby and she still does it. She does not respect your feelings. The only thing you can really do now is not allow her near your daughter unless she decides to smoke elsewhere. That's what I would do if I were in your shoes.

She may have rights but, you and your daughter also have rights and you have the right to not take your daughter to her house if she continues to disrespect you. Find out which is more important smoking or her grandchild. And let her know which is more important to you.

Ok I don't think her husband has a set....because if he allowed and continues to allow her to smoke POT during and after her pregnancy then he isn't going to say shit to his family. Tabitha....really? Let me tell you something...if I knew you during your pregnancy....let's just say your face ain't pregnant. You disgust me. Seriously grow the F*** up.

I feel the same way. I don't want my kids around smoke. Nor was I around smoke while I was pregnant. I respect you for not letting it be ok! It's not! I grew up with a smokers in the house, and I smoked until I decided to try for our first baby. Now I can't stand smoke, and it will not be around my kids. The smokers in my family respect me and my kids. I just wouldn't go over to their houses or I would leave when someone lite up. Now they will go outside their own homes to smoke while we are there. My daughter was 6 when she first noticed someone smoking at a red light. 6, I was proud of that, and she was paniced "Mom that man has a stick on fire in his mouth", she had no clue. Then we discussed what a waste of good health that was. Good luck and keep standing your ground.

Your husband needs to step up and say the tough things to his family. Ultimately, you are your daughter's protector, and you make the decisions for her. Advice is cheap, but if it were me, I would not let her be around my daughter at all if she insists on smoking around her. It's your choice. Don't make it seem harder than it is.good luck !

Regardless of your history, you have made the decision that it is not okay for your child to be subjected to 2nd and 3rd hand smoke any more than necessary. No, you can not do anything about what she does in her own home or car. You can control whether or not your daughter will be in either of those locations. Calmly explain that you want your daughter to have the best possible chance at a healthy life and being around smokers of ANY kind (sorry but you will probably have to quit the weed to make this work) just is not okay. She is welcome to come visit or you will meet her to visit (choose non-smoking locations). You will need your husband's support in this as well. He should be putting your daughter's health first and ready to tell people the same things you are.

That's simple. Don't visit your mother-in-law. She's obviously self-centered and choses to be ignorant about the harmful affects of second hand smoke, especially to children. You can refer her to the websites of the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Academy of Allergy and Immunology, the American Academy of Pulmonology, and the American Academy of Family Medicine if she needs proof. My experience has been that people like your mother-in-law cannot be reasoned with. Your only chose is avoidance. You owe it to your child.

u cant force her to stop, but u can stop ur daughter from being around her. my mom and my oldest grandma use to smoke. i told them he was not allowed in their house if they were going to smoke. i also made it a point to walk as far away from them as i could should they choose to smoke outside.

Stay at home. Don't go around your mother in law if it is that big of deal to you. After all it is a free country and she is grown. You cannot control her smoking habits but you can control whether your daughter is subjected to it, just stay away.

My friends smoked outside after their son was born. What we didn't know is that the smoke gets on your clothes, and when you hold the baby, it still breathes in the residue. I guess that's the 3rd hand smoke. Anyway, by the time he was two months old, he developed asthma, which can kill you! Be tough. Nobody else can stick up for a kid like their mother!! I'm not perfect, and have done some really bad things around my granddaughter. I almost died and now have a new perspective on how to act!

I smoke and do not smoke in my own home for the health of my 13 year old son. You stick to your guns and I applaud you for making that baby number 1 regardless of who or what it pisses off in the process. I think you are doing what is best for the baby and that is what makes an EXCELLENT mom! :-)

Hi TabithaI agree with you. Your mother in law doesn't respect your decision not to allow smoking around your precious cargo that you care for.Maybe you should ask her if she enjoys time with her grandchild but if she continues to smoke around her /him then you might have to stop her from coming over or going to their house. the child deserves a good start on a healthy life.I have a granddaughter and if any body smokes around her ,I'll let them have it up one side and down the other.Our family members don't smoke around her.This has never been an issue just respect for the little one and everyone one else.Good Luck

i am agree with the rest. i have a similiar but simpliar situation. my MIL chain smokes too. We only see that side of my family probably once every 2 years. (we live over 20 hour drive apart). i remeber once when my husband would not stand up for my one child at this time and ask his mom not to smoke while we were visiting. i put a coat on my son and we went outside until she quit. my husband got mad but I had to stand up for myself and my son. Maybe if the next time she lights up don't say anything and put a distance between yourselves. Or if you go an visit her (if you can stay sane) stay outside and not go in her house to visit (weather pending) hope this helps.

I understand your situation, this is my advise, take it as you wish. You only have control of You and your child. I have learned that you can not control others as much as you want to. It is really frustrating, I know. At "your" home you can tell people not to smoke in your house. In your car, you can "ask" them not to smoke, or your will have to drive seperately. In "their" home or car they can do as they wish. You have to resepect that, as they should respect you in your home or car. Don't get yourself stressed over it, just take yourself and your child away from it. You have to remember even if you are right, that this is still your husbands Mother, and it will cause alot of tension in your marriage. Don't put your husband in the middle and deal with what you can control. Keep yourself and " your" family healthy, and stress free. Take yourself away from the situation instead. Hope that helps a little. I have a saying " There are only two things in life we can not control, that is our health and other people."

If it's her house she can do whatever it is she wants to do. You have no right to force her to do anything unless it's on your property. Fortunately, there is an alternative, and that is to simply not allow her to see your daughter unless she agrees to your rules.

I am totally in agreement with you. No smoking around my kids or me. I would just not put my kids in that situation. It may be hard because she is your mother-in-law. If it is her house, you can't tell her she can't smoke. Have get-togethers at your house or some other family member with a no smoking policy. You may have to decide what to do. It's hard, my mother-in-law smokes as well, but we do not see her very often. When they come over, she smokes on my back deck (which I don't like, but live with for the visit). My kids know smoking is unhealthy and hurts your body.

I would just not let her see her until she actually agrees to not do it. Its very disrespectful towards you and your daughter. It's a simple request and if smoking is more important then let it be by argueing your not getting anywhere. What does your husband have to say. Seriously though she'l get over it if she wants to be a part of her life.

"GOOD FOR YOU!!!" Stick to your guns and don't back off. I had the same problem when my daughter was four months old. My sister in law kept smoking around my her and I got so pissed at her one day, that I yelled at her to get out of my house and don't come back. She left, and my daughter's father got mad at me. I told him if he didn't want me to kick her out he should have stuck by what I said and he should have told her that he agreed with me. I also told him if he wanted to see his sister he had to see her outside the house. I stuck to what I told her and she never steped foot in my house again. Now people that come to my house go outside when they want to smoke. My house is "SMOKE FREE!" and I love it. I told my land lord not to smoke in my house and she put her cigarette out. I have no ashtrays in my house I gave they all away and there is a sign on my door that sats "NO SMOKING".

its your kid, your rules. if she doesnt like the rules, dont take your kid around her. period end of story. my dad smokes, and i asked him when my son was born to not smoke around my kids, and when we visit he goes outside because he respects our wishes.

sad that you MIL is a nicotine addict...Looks like she is very selfish & only cares about herself & doenst even respect You or your babys health..Next time she wants to lite up in the car offer her a can of lysol or just tell her you dont want you baby exposed to the nasty fumes in her tiny lungs & offer to meet her when you decide to go out shopping with her...also when you go to her bbq move the baby as far from her smoking as possible(PC,Bring a can of spray so everyone can see how u feel) Dont be shy to spray the air..maybe she will get the message that you dont care to smell her smoke)Then start to cough everytime she lites up..The baby will grow up imitating you..And hopefully everone one else will see the babys effects :)

I do currently smoke both, but never around my children, I did quit cold turkey when I found out I was pregnant with both my son's, my husbands father smokes and he smokes in his house sometimes, I brought my first son there when he was really little and thought that he would have respect and not smoke with his grandson there, but he did and when I picked him up, I could smell it, so when I got home I told my husband and he had a talk with his dad and said there is to be no smoking around my son, or he will not be coming over to your house. He has stopped smoking when my son is there. When out side in the backyard he did light up a smoke when around my son and my husband did to, I told my husband I don't want it even around him outside, I don't expect them to relocate to the front of the house, just move to the other side of the backyard, and thats what we all do now if we want to smoke outside, with the children present, is move to the other side. That way the smoke is nowhere near the kids.

If your daughter has a health problem, I believe you are completely right that under no circumstance should she or anyone smoke around her. However, you need to get a grip if there's no health problem with your daughter. The only place you can tell people not to do things at is YOUR home. You may not like it -- I don't like that I can't do things about people when I'm around them at their house or out in public, but that's the way it is.

If they are smoking at your house after asking them not to smoke around your daughter, you can do what you want...even tell them to leave. But, coming from a smoker (that does not smoke around kids), you can tell her how bad it is for her or your daughter, but it's just going to make you mad and make her think you're a nag...don't waste your breath saying that to her. What might work is to make her feel less like she's being attacked. Because of everything people do against smoking, many smokers feel very alienated and defensive about the issue of not being able to smoke. It creates an environment of hostility on both sides from smokers and non-smokers alike.

Most of my extended family smokes, aunts, uncles, some of cousins, and my parents were shown very little respect for them not wanting us exposed to second hand smoke. Obviously if they didn't care about sheltering their own children from second hand smoke, they're not going to care about the odd time they exposed me and brothers to it! So what ended up happening was when someone, who was unwilling to excuse themselves from the group out of respect for my parents wishes, my mom would take us somewhere else. If it means that much to you that you children not be exposed, and nobody is willing to accommodate and respect that, then maybe you'll have to consider taking your daughter somewhere else while your in-laws smoke. It won't be fun having to leave the gathering every few minutes, but you gotta do you gotta do when your the one in the minority!

@krista....wow...at tabitha..i can see kristas point..if you did post that then isn't this somewhat of the pot calling the kettle black and hot and filled with water. you can't dictate what people do esp in their own homes, you can keep your baby home then you have full range over what happens there...

I smoked up until each time I got pregnant. I am prego right now, and do not currently smoke. As much as I disagree with other people smoking around my children (I NEVER did), you cannot control other peoples actions. I deffinately don't agree with you keeping your child away from her grandparents..but not allowing her in a smoked filled home is understandable. This means visits will striclty be at your house where they have to smoke outside. And as far as them only disrespecting you, it does not sound like you have much respect for her when you use the F-word...cutting her off before she can finish a sentence...and then you don't understand why she storms off? My advice is, if you want respect, you need to show respect. They will never quit cause you want them too...and quite frankly they shouldn't have to. Krista brough up and excellent point...if it is true...what makes it ok that you smoked pot throughout your pregnancy?

PS - it is your responsibility as a parent to walk away when someone lights up. You are always going to encounter people smoking around entrances to builinds, parking lots by your car, even playgrounds. Are you going to yell at everyone? All you have control of is your actions...do it with a smile on your face.

haha you sound exactly like me! im borderline obsessive and wont let anyone somke within 10metres of my kids,why the hell should we? its our job to look after our childrens intrests no matter what thats our job at the end of the day! good for you for sticking to your guns,dont give in and she will get the message in the end.keep demanding the respect your children deserve,if i can make my disabled father in law somke in the garden when its raining then she can go out there too! youre doing a great job :-)

I'm with Jessica. Where is your husband in all of this? If you are in her yard and she lights up, you can always pick up the baby and walk to another area for a few minutes. I know it's not ideal, but if hubby isn't backing you up then you just have to do the best you can. Threats and ultimatums won't do any good. All they accomplish are hard feelings and family feuds.

Even though I was a smoker (recently quit), I would NEVER smoke even remotely near my daughter (I only smoked if I was alone, if my husband was watching her and I went out with friends or something), and would never let my daughter be with someone who I knew would smoke. Most people can respect that us as mothers take our childrens health seriously, but it sounds like this woman just does not have any respect, so you need to let her know if she wants to be around your daughter, she cannot smoke, and you won't bring your daughter around until she agrees to it.

Oh Tabitha I feel your pain girl! My MIL doesn't smoke however she does tons of other stuff that drives me nuts. I really think they do it on purpose and the more you let on it bothers you the more they wanna do it!!I totally agree with everyone else . I would tell her she isn't allowed to visit with your baby until she can respect your wishes. What does your hubby say about It?? I am an ex smoker and when I did smoke I would never have done such a thing. Even in public places if people were around I always moved far away before lighting up.

Joanna and Tracy I appreciate that point of view, I NEVER looked at it like that. I just looked at it as what little time they are around her they shouldnt smoke around her. I appreciate that perspective very much, I now can take that matter to different extents and deal with it that way. Im just so at ends meet with this situation and am ready to GIVE UP which is NOT fair to my daughter.

I totally understand where you are coming from, as my father and sister both smoke!! But before my little boy was born I told them in no uncertain terms that I didn't ever want them smoking around Cody and it is definitely NEVER going to happen in my home!! They are very respectful of the time they spend with him, and they have never once smoked around him. What they do in their own home and when they aren't with us, is their business, but they have recognised that they can forgo their beloved cigarettes in order to spend time with a precious child!! A pity your MIL doesnt see it the same way!! I would tell her straight up, that if she continues to disrespect you AND your lil baby, then obviously her smokes are more important, and that there will be no further visits until she can think of someone other than herself!! You are the mother so it is your choice to want to create a healthy, smoke free environment for your bub to grow up in !! Best of luck x x

Joanna is dead on. While she should respect your request of not smoking around your baby, you can not dictate her behavior in her own house. Think about it, would you want someone to come into your house and tell you what to do? Limit her visits with your baby to your house, where you can have more control over who smokes and where.

Have you printed up the reasons why its dangerous for babies to be around second hand smoke maybe if she could read it. There may be no winning with them though as they may be stuck in there ways & not want to hear why its so bad. Good luck