In the Parent Seminars I deliver, I suggest that parents establish a ‘digital curfew’ so that technology doesn’t interfere with kids’ sleep.

Ideally, 90 minutes before your child sleeps is recommended to be screen-free, but even 30 or 60-minutes screen-free before bed will make a difference to kids’ sleep. There are two prime reasons for avoiding screens before sleep, especially tablets, mobile devices and handheld gaming devices-

// Screens (particularly touchscreens which are usually interactive) can have an arousal effect on the brain. Playing games or engaging in interactive activities, which is often the case with these devices can excite kids. The rapid-fire, fast-paced screen action can hyper-arouse the brain, which can in turn delay the onset of sleep; and

// Most tablet and mobile devices have light-emitting diodes that give off blue wavelength light. The blue light hampers the body’s production of melatonin (which kids and teens need to produce to help them fall asleep easily), making kids alert when they should feel sleepy, meaning it can take them longer to fall asleep.

However, as a mum I understand that sometimes a digital cut-off time before bed isn’t attainable. I hear from many (worried) parents after my seminars, that sometimes their child likes using technology before they go to sleep. It helps them to relax and calm down and they dread the thought of having complete completely screen-free before bedtime is a little overwhelming, so they’re after some screenless and/or safe activities for before bed.

So what are some ‘screen-free’ technology experiences that aren’t going to impede our kids’ sleep?

If your child wants to use technology before sleep are some choices better than others? Yes!

What can they do with digital devices without me having to worry that sleep will be compromised? I’m a huge advocate of helping parents ditch their techno-guilt… because let’s face it we have enough to fret and feel guilty about already.

‘Safe’ technology experiences before bed

Read eBooks or use an e-reader (e.g. Kindle)- reading a book on a digital device is unlikely to over-excite kids and is very similar to reading a ‘real’ book’. Most eReaders don’t emit blue light so the risks to kids’ sleep are minimal.

Tech tips- A couple of things to be mindful of-

// Avoid using animated book apps with all the bells-and-whistles before bed, as these are typically very interactive and have lots of features to captivate your child’s attention and excite them (and as we all know, this is not ideal before bed).

// If reading an eBook on a regular tablet device (i.e. not on an e-reader) remember they emit blue light which can impair the production of melatonin (the darkness hormone). So if your child isn’t using an e-reader before bed to read a book, make sure your child dims the brightness on the device (as this will reduce the amount of blue light that hits their retina), or uses an ‘evening’ function if available on the device (for example, Apple devices have ‘night shift’ mode and ‘night mode’ in Android devices).

// If possible, encourage them to read on a smaller screen. For example, it would be better to read on an iPhone, as opposed to a 9-inch iPad as it reduces the amount of light, especially short-wavelength (blue) light that reaches the retina.

Listen to music- listening to music (and no, not You Tube music clips on the iPad) can be a great way to use technology to help kids calm down before bed. If your child likes to listen to music before bed, encourage them to listen to soft, slow and familiar music to aid in the onset of sleep (loud, fast or unfamiliar music can arouse your child).

Tech tips– create playlists of music that your child likes to listen to before bed, so you know what they’re listening to is appropriate and remove the device from their bedroom once they’re asleep (keeping devices out of kids’ and teens’ bedrooms is strongly advised).

3. Listen to audiobooks- listening to books via audiobook recordings can be a great way to use screens before bed (without having to fret about the impact on kids’ sleep). Audible have a great collection of audiobooks for kids, teens and adults. Birde (launching in November 2017) also have a great range of audiobooks (plus a host of other educational and entertainment content for kids aged 0-5 years). Birde provide young children with a safe, educational way to enjoy listening to music, watch their favourite videos or listen to an audio book.

Listen to podcasts– a great ‘screen-free’ alternative at night is for kids to listen to podcasts. Common Sense Media have some great kid-friendly recommendations here.

Listen to guided meditations– Smiling Mind have a great app that works on iOS and Android devices that has a collection of guided meditations that are a great way for kids to unwind at the end of the day. I also love Maggie Dent’s Safe n Sound and Sleepy Time audios (I personally use these with my boys sometimes before bed).

Get more natural sunlight in the day- yes, greentime! Time outdoors in nature is such a simple strategy that can counteract some of the negative impacts of screens! The more natural sunlight that kids get in the daytime, the better their body is able to desensitise itself to blue light’s effects at bedtime. So even if your kids do use screens at night, they’re not as likely to be adversely impacted by this exposure. Yet another reason, that we need to get kids outside!

I also understand that many families use TV as part of their night time routine. It’s definitely a much better choice than more interactive screens like tablets, smartphones and gaming consoles. If your child watches TV before bed, make sure that the content is slow-paced (so as night to hyper-stimulate them) and that it isn’t scary (as this can induce night terrors).

As I’ve previously explained, digital devices before sleep or nap time can impede the quality and quantity of kids’ and teens’ sleep. Whilst a complete digital sunset before bed might seem unattainable for some families, doing a technology swap and making sure kids are using screens in healthy ways is a better alternative.

We’ve been inundated with expert opinions on young kids and adolescents using social media- when is it okay to introduce social media, how do we protect their privacy and how is it impacting on them emotionally and socially?

But what many of us have failed to consider is how we as parents use social media to share our children’s lives with others. This is sometimes referred to informally as ‘sharenting’.

Cameras are now omnipresent, with most of us having one built into our smartphones that we carry in our bags and back pockets. It’s now easy to snap a picture and then share it via social media. We’re using social media like we once used family photo albums.

Facebook posts, Instagram shares and Snap Chat videos of our kids are shaping their digital identity long before they’ve set up their own Google account.

Now don’t get me wrong. This certainly isn’t a post to induce guilt if you’ve decided to share pictures of your kids online. Nor am I suggesting that we should never post pictures of our kids online. (I love seeing kids’ pictures come up in my feeds). Yes, I’ve done the same. It’s a personal choice.

Instead, I want us to pause and carefully consider the consequences, potential safety risks and (powerful) messages we’re sending our kids if we archive every moment of our kids’ childhoods, or their private milestones via our social media channels.

What messages are we sending our kids about taking and sharing pictures of other people if we’re constantly snapping and sharing snaps of them?

Are we missing the moment if we’re so preoccupied with digitally capturing the moment to our camera roll?

Are there potential safety risks if we share pictures of our kids online? Do we even know where can their images end up?

Are we becoming the’ parenting paparazzi’ who snap and share huge numbers and sometimes inappropriate or insensitive pictures and videos of our kids online?

What are the ramifications of parents sharing their children’s images and information online?”

Sharing our children’s images and information via social media stays with our kids into adulthood. Many refer to this as their ‘digital footprint’, but I prefer to use the term ‘digital DNA’. Every photo or video has digital DNA. As parents, do we have the right to curate our kids’ digital DNA?

Many people suggest that the scaremongering around sharing photos of kids online is unnecessary. They propose that parents have long snapped pictures of kids and had photo albums filled with printed photos. What’s the moral panic about social media becoming the digital replica of the family album?

Whilst there are certainly benefits of ‘sharenting’ there are also possible harmful effects, which have gone unrecognised by many parents because we’ve simply been swept up in this digital whirlwind.

Benefits of sharenting

Many families now have family members living interstate and overseas and social media is an easy and practical way to share photos of kids and important moments. I agree.

With some of my family living in Canada I love seeing pictures of my niece and nephew on social media every now and then. I also love it when my brother sends me a photo via SMS or Whats App, but I also know it’s a lot more time consuming than it is to post a couple of pictures to Facebook!

There’s no denying that social media can be a great tool to help us connect with family members and friends who we don’t regularly see.

Potential pitfalls of sharenting

However, there are also possible risks associated with sharenting. Some of the main concerns relate to identity theft (privacy risks), digital harvesting of kids’ images on predator sites (cyber-safety risks), sharing personal information about your child that should remain private (psychosocial risks), and revealing embarrassing information that may be misappropriated by others (psychological risks).

It has been suggested that 50% of images shared on paedophile sites have been taken from parents’ social media sites. We lose full control of where our kids’ photos end up when we share them online.

There are also possible legal risks. Steinberg clearly articulates a host of legal implications of parents sharenting in this comprehensive documentSharenting: Children’s Privacy in the Age of Social Media.

As a mum and researcher in this field, I’m also mindful of the habits we’re subtly teaching our kids if we’re always snapping photos and sharing them online. Are we teaching them that they always need to be on show and performing for us? Are we teaching them that we need to digitally archive every moment of our lives? Are we teaching them that their sense of importance and identity is determined by the number of comments, likes and shares on social media? These are some of the powerful messages that we’re sending our kids.

Common Sense Media .2015 Feb 20.”There’s more to life than likes. Make room for #realtime PSA.” Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sClQsKuafO4&feature=youtu.be&list=PL1YCGfBa9BUbBzAcmcQz51KSDQfSQtsPe

Whilst I don’t have clear-cut answers to these questions, there are some things I know for sure…

We need to teach our kids, from a young age, that an electronic thumbs-up (digital validation) isn’t a placeholder for their self-esteem.”

We need to remind our kids that it’s unhealthy to hook their identity and sense of worth on external validation in the form of likes and comments. We also need them to understand that they don’t need to capture and share every moment via their camera roll- some moments can be stored to their own personal hard-drive (their memory).

The reason I think we’re grappling with this as parents is that we’re new to social media and we’re making up the rules on the fly. We excitedly shared our kids’ personal and embarrassing stories on Facebook and Instagram. It’s easy (and sometimes cathartic and cheaper than counselling) to share your parenting dilemmas and challenges online.

Why do we do it? Social media caters for one of our basic biological drivers- connection. We’re biologically wired for relational connection. So sharing a frustrating parenting moment, or an embarrassing story of our kids, or a cute photo can meet our desire to connect with other parents.

We’re also teaching our kids that it’s okay to share other people’s personal pictures and private stories (and it isn’t). This becomes the accepted norm. (This is why I’m hearing so many stories from schools and parents who are worried about kids who are embroiled in cyber-bullying or awkward online incidents where a child has shared an inappropriate photo of another child without their consent!)

I’m confident that most parents share pictures and posts on social media with their child’s best interests at heart. Sometimes, though I’m worried that we post and share in haste and without careful consideration.

What can you do if you’d over-shared?

If you feel like perhaps you’ve shared too much, it’s not too late.

// Sit down and give your child the opportunity to delete any embarrassing photos or videos.

// Archive any photos that you want to keep. Add them to a hard-drive or cloud storage. Then remove them from social media.

// Ask them permission to post in the future. This teaches them that they can control their digital DNA. This has the dual benefit of also teaching them that they must seek consent before sharing or publishing someone else’s DNA.

What parents need to consider before posting

// Permission to post

If your child is old enough to understand, always ask them if it’s okay to post an image before you post it on social media or share it online. My husband and I decided not to share many images of our kids and their faces on social media (this is a personal choice and I’m certainly not making any judgements about people who post lots of images of their kids online).

Sure, there are images that we both selected and I’ve used on my website and occasionally share on social media. Whenever I post a picture of my kids on social media I always ask their permission. Now my three-year-old is still so egocentric that he loves looking at himself given the chance, but my six-year-old is starting to be more discerning and has on occasion, asked me not to share a photo. It’s teaching him that his image is his own- it’s his digital DNA. This role modelling also equips your child with the skills to ask that someone not publish pictures of them. These are the basics of social media etiquette.

We also need to develop the habit of asking permission to post pictures of other people’s children. Many parents feel defeated when they find images of their children on social media, when they’ve made a concerted effort to not share images of their children. So always ask permission if you’re posting images of other people’s children. In some instances, there may be a court order in place that prohibits the publication of children’s photos online.

// Public vs private places

Did you know there are different laws regarding taking photos and videos in public or private places? Basically, you can take photos and videos in public places, so long as you’re not being a nuisance. With private places, people have the right to enforce rules. So always check that it’s okay to post images if you’re at a private place.

// Pause before you post

Kids can certainly be frustrating and embarrassing as times, but recording and then sharing those moments invades their privacy. I’m not suggesting that posting one funny picture of your child on Facebook will psychologically damage them, but what’s the cumulative effect when they look back at their childhood and realise what was curated and shared and commented on by others. Glennon Doyle in her book Love Warrior suggested that we “share from your scars not your open wounds.” When we post from our wounds we often regret it later on.

Also, ask yourself does this moment really need to be catalogued? What are the sacred, personal and private moments that you want to savour? Does the online world really need to know about every one of your child’s milestones?

// Privacy

Do you know who can see your photos? Check your privacy settings on social media and check these often, as they regularly change. You can change these so you have some control over who sees your photos. Remember, however, you lose full control over where your images may end up when you share them online. There’s no guarantee where your child’s photos might end up!

What other identifying information are you sharing when you take a picture of your child? Is their school logo visible on their t-shirt, or a street sign?

Is there anyone else in the photo? Remember, they may not want their image shared (or there may in fact be legal reasons from preventing their image from being shared). Is geo-location turned off? Online sharing of photos can sometimes reveal the location of where the photo was taken.

// Alternative sharing options?

Do you necessarily need to use social media to share your photos? There are other ways of sharing your photos of your kids without relying on social media. For example, Tiny Beans allows parents to share digital photos easily and privately via an app. It’s been described as an online photo journal. You could also use email, a secure online portal (that is password protected and requires authorisation to access) or even use multimedia messaging (SMS or Whats App) to share pictures with loved ones.

I completely acknowledge that this is difficult territory to navigate. I personally struggle to balance my drive to share our kids’ stories and family milestones and special moments, while still protecting their privacy and preserving the personal moments.

I’m not the fun police and suggesting that we shouldn’t share pictures of our kids. I love seeing kids’ pictures pop up in my feed (those baby pictures make me very clucky!). I think we need to be mindful of the potential risks, take preventive measures to ensure our kids’ pictures are safe and think about the powerful messages we’re sending our kids.

I think as parents we need to come up with our own personal policy about what we’ll snap pictures of and where we’ll share them (if at all).

One of the most important things I’ve realised is that we need to experience the moment first, capture and share later (if we choose). Not the other way around where we share and then think later (and sometimes realise we’ve missed experiencing the moment, or perhaps posted something in haste).

Why do our screens captivate us?

In an earlier blog post I explained the impact of parents spending increasing amounts of time plugged into our devices. It seems that we’ve become so focused on our kids’ screen-time that we’ve completely overlooked our screen habits.

After I deliver many parent seminars, parents confess that they thought they were the only one battling to put their phone down when their kids were around. In some instances, parents have admitted that they genuinely felt “addicted” to their device.

So many parents are relieved to hear why we find it so hard to go to bed without checking social media one more time, or while we arrive early at school pick-up and feel the need to reach for our phone.

Our phones and technology in general meets three of our most basic psychological needs and biological drivers-

// Connection- as humans, one of our most basic human needs is to feel like we belong and that we’re connected to others. Digital devices help us to powerfully feel this senses of relatedness. Gaming, social media and email all cater beautifully to our desire to feel connected. It’s also why we find it so hard to disconnect from our devices. Note, this is even more pronounced amongst those of us who are geographically or socially isolated. Our screens can easily help us fill the void of feeling ‘alone’.

// Control- as humans we like to feel like we have autonomy over a situation. And let’s be honest, raising kids means we usually have very little control over many situations. We’re responded to their (constant) demands to eat, solve sibling battles and repeatedly asking little ones to get dressed. Our digital devices enable us to feel like we’re in control.

// Competence- as humans we’re wired to learn and be effective. We want to feel like we’re successful and can accomplish things. Again, our devices allow us to feel competent. We can selectively choose what we post to social media. We can instantly seek information, when we choose.

There are other reasons why we find it hard to put down our digital devices:

// Dopamine- when we’re using our devices it’s usually a pleasurable experience and so our brains release the neurotransmitter dopamine. Whether we’re scrolling through social media, or checking our emails, it’s generally a pleasurable experience, so we crave more and more of it. So we naturally want to keep doing it! (Now you have an explanation as to why you love refreshing your Facebook feed!)

// State of insufficiency– when we’re online, we rarely feel like we’re ‘done’ or ‘finished’. There’s always something new popping up in our inbox. There’s always a new browser we can open, or a new TV series to watch on Netflix. (Confession, I experienced this state first-hand after a friend introduced my husband and I to Suits!!)

// State of flow- we also enter the psychological state of flow when we’re using our devices. This is where we become engrossed in what we’re doing that our concept of time disappears. So we may feel like we’ve been on our phone for 15 minutes, but it’s actually been and hour!

// Our brains wired for novelty– our human brain is wired for novelty. It’s always on the look-out for new and interesting information. And the online world so beautifully caters for our brain’s desire for new and interesting information. The online world is a sensory smorgasbord. There’s always new things to look at, read, listen to or watch. The offline world doesn’t offer this constant state of novelty and so we’re drawn to our phones. (This is why we struggle with boredom and white space now…we’ve become accustomed to constantly sourcing new information). We’ve become accustomed to being on and foraging for new information.

How can parents model healthy technology habits?

Now, as I said at the outset, I’m not suggesting that we abstain from using phones, laptops or tablets around our kids. That’s certainly not feasible, nor is it necessary. In fact, our kids need to see us using technology. But they also need to see us switch it off!

I’m not proposing that parents who use phones and tablets around their kids are “bad” parents. That’s definitely not the case. (I personally think that most of us are doing our best!)

But I don’t think we can ignore this situation. I don’t think we can collectively accept that because we’re all “doing it” that it’s okay. It’s not.

It’s critical, given that our kids will inherit a digital world, that we teach our kids healthy and sustainable technology habits. And this means modeling healthy habits ourselves… which isn’t always easy to do, I’ll admit.

So here are some simple strategies that we can implement to help us get a better handle on our screen-time (and not let it seep into other facets of our lives):

// Have social media hours– it’s so easy to get sucked into the social media vortex and spend hours scrolling through your feed (now we know why- we feel connected, competent and in control, we get dopamine, we enter the state of flow and suffer from the state of insufficiency). So we need to put a fortress around our social media time. Nominate specific times of the day when you’ll use social media. And then stick to them.

// Set up email hours– I know for many parents, myself included, that email is a source of angst. We feel like we need to respond promptly (and sometimes we do). However, in many instances, email can wait. Triage your email and only respond to urgent messages. Have set times in the day when you check email.

// Turn off alerts and notifications– one of the best things I did for my mental health was turn off alerts and notifications. I don’t need my phone constantly hijacking my attention by sending me information and vibrations. This tip alone can make a profound difference. And can I assure you from someone who used to worry about not responding within a set time period, the world doesn’t end if someone has to wait a couple of days for your email response.

BONUS TIP– if you only check email at a set time, or even on certain days, have this in your email signature or set it up as an auto-responder so people are aware of your boundaries. From my experience, people generally respond really well to people modeling healthy boundaries and it often encourages others to do the same.

// Compartmentalise your phone use- what’s stressful for you to do on your device, or when do you need uninterrupted time? Try and do these tasks at times when your kids are occupied. Try and only use your phone or screen around your kids when your phone tasks doesn’t require your full attention. Otherwise, if we’re doing stressful work, or our phone is demanding our complete, undivided attention we can get frustrated when our kids interrupt us.

// Plan digital sabbaticals– we recently went overseas on a long-overdue family holiday. I had significant time unplugged- not necessarily by choice but because I had international roaming issues (#blessingindisguise). And it was bliss! Try and find time each day, each week or even every month where you turn off phones and digital devices. Having a significant break from screens can be really helpful.

// Keep phones out of your bedroom- Many of us get sucked into the technology vortex first thing in the morning when we turn off our alarm and dive into email or social media on our phone that sits by our bed. My suggestion? Buy an old-fashioned alarm clock and leave the phone outside of the bedroom! Keeping bedrooms as tech-free zones is vital for our kids’ health and we need to model it too (research confirms that digital devices in bedrooms interferes with the quality and quantity of sleep).

// Out of sight, out of mind– many adults have formed a digital dependence. We have a moment of idle time and we see our phone and we usually reach for it and use it. So a simple strategy is to leave it out of your sight. Pop it up in the pantry when at home, leave it in the glovebox in the car when you’re playing at the park.

// Use digital tools– Ironically, there are apps that you can install on your devices that can help you monitor and manage your screen habits. In the Moment (iOS app)- tracks how much you use your iPhone and iPad each day. You can set daily limits on yourself and be notified when you go over. You can even force yourself off your device when you’re over your limit, or at specific times of the day. The Android equivalent is Quality Time and Break Free works on both iOS and Android devices.

// If all else fails…lock it up– This one sounds quite drastic, but if you really feel tempted to use your device, or if you’re trying to establish healthy habits, literally locking your phone away can help. I know this may sound quite drastic, but I’ve heard several families who went on a digital retreat where they had to hand over their digital appendages when they first arrived and they were locked in a safe. When the families returned home after their digital sabbatical, many of them went to Bunnings and bought a safe to lock their devices away at night.

I hope these two blog posts have encouraged you to carefully consider your screen habits. As I’ve said repeatedly my intention wasn’t to induce guilt but to simply raise awareness to a serious issue that we must address. This is one of the topic that I address in my signature Parent SeminarRaising Your Child in a Digital World. You can find out more about the talks I deliver to preschools, schools (primary and secondary), workplaces (as Lunch & Learn seminars) and at conferences (I speak to teachers, parents and health professionals).

Part 1- Are we spending too much time with our devices?

We closely monitor our kids’ screen-time. We fret about whether they’re spending too much time online. We worry about whether we’re introducing screens at too young an age. But have we stopped to think about our screen-time habits?

Is our digital infatuation impacting our kids?

Many of us are shouting, “Turn off the iPad!” from behind our iPhone. We’re tethered to our smartphone for the entire swimming lesson, or soccer training session. We’re taking our smartphones to bed and the dinner table with us.

Many of us (myself at times) are tethered to our devices and our kids are noticing (and imitating).

In my book Raising Your Child in a Digital World, I share a story of a 4- year old girl describing her father’s smartphone as a “dumb phone”, as she was upset that he was always talking and consumed by it and not her. She was 4 and had already observed his digital obsession.

I know how easy it is to use our phones when our kids are around. I also succumb to the digital pull when my kids are around (and don’t for a second profess to be perfect at this). It’s so easy to do.

Our kids think we’re spending too much time with our devices

A study commissioned by AVG found that 54% of kids aged 8 to 13 years think their parents spend too much time on their devices and 32% reported feeling “unimportant” when phones distracted their parents when they were playing outside, engaging in conversation and having dinner.

Common Sense Media also released a report in 2016 titled Common Sense Census: Plugged in Parents of Tweens and Teens. The study found that parents of tweens and teens spend an average of 9 hours/day with screens (the vast majority of which was for personal media use) and 78% felt that they were good role models to their kids. Another study by Common Sense media titled Technology Addiction: Concern, Controversy, and Finding Balance. It found that 41% of teens feel their parents get distracted by devices and don’t pay attention when they are together and 28% of teens feel their parents are addicted to their mobile devices.

We’ve also had children designing apps that would empower them to control their parents’ use of technology, so that they could spend more time with their parents. You can read more here about how kids designed a STEL app- stop texting and enjoy life app!

That’s right, our kids are observing our screen infatuation.

So why do we find it so hard to disconnect from our devices (yes, there are neurobiological reasons biological drivers that explain our screen habits)?

Now before you think this is a post to techno-shame parents I want to assure you that it’s not. I’m not suggesting that we need to completely abstain from using technology when we’re with our kids. I’m not suggesting that we need to avoid using our phones around our kids. That’s totally unrealistic and it’s actually not necessary. Our kids need to see us using technology, but they also need to see us unplug. They need to see us model healthy technology habits.

That’s why I talk to parents in my Parent Seminars about planning, not banning technology. That applies equally to our kids’ screen-time as it does to our screen-time.

I’ll be honest and admit that I’m nervous to share this blog post because I’d hate for this to be misconstrued as judgemental. I’m the first to admit that we never know anyone’s full-story so this isn’t about judging other people’s choices because there could be legitimate reasons why parents need to be using their devices when they’re with their kids. (In my book I share a sad story where a dad was publicly shamed on social media for using his phone at the park, when he was desperately trying to arrange childcare so he could attend a job interview.)

Why do we need to be careful of how much time we’re spending with digital devices?

// We’re missing the micro-moments with our kids-

We can be at football training, yet responding to a work crisis that’s unfolding in the office, thanks to email. We can be at swimming lessons, yet solving a family issue at the same time, thanks to instant messaging. But what’s the cost?”

When our child looks up at us through their foggy, water-filled goggles at swimming lessons desperately hoping to get a big smile, or a big thumbs-up to approve of the new skill they learnt, they’re often getting no response. Parents are literally glued to their screen. And missing the micro-moments with our kids.

Our previous moments of rest and white-space are now being swallowed by our devices. And we’re missing all the small moments with our kids or observing our kids (or simply giving our brains a break from constantly processing the stream of information that comes from our phones and digital devices).

I watched a baby in a pram the other day trying desperately to distract her dad who was consumed by his phone. After a couple a minute or so of trying to gain his attention, she eventually gave up. (Again, I’m the first to admit that I don’t know that dad’s full story- he may have needed a moment of respite, or he may have been dealing with a crisis with his family or at work). But he’ll never get that moment back with his daughter. What happens if this becomes a repeated behaviour? What will his daughter learn? What will she miss out on?

We can be watching our daughter’s ballet lesson, but simultaneously averting a crisis at work on our phone. However, we’re also missing her look at you for the smile of approval that she just remembered a choreographed move that’s taken weeks to learn. We might be sending an SMS to a friend at soccer practice, but you may also be missing your son look at you when he finally kicks the ball over the posts. You might be ordering the family groceries so your family actually has food in their lunch boxes this week, but you may also be missing your child master a new skill.

Sometimes, I think that we’ve simply allowed screens to seep into our lives. We’ve allowed our devices to fill the voids. Our screens now fill the white space we once had (and enjoyed and that our brains actually need). We’ve developed an unhealthy dependence on technology. A digital dependence. And I’ll admit that I’m not immune to this habit from time to time. Technology has a strong pull on our attention. And if we’re not careful it can captivate our attention and redirect it from our most important priorities.

Now I know some of you may suggest that your parents read a book or a magazine at swimming lessons or at football training and you’re not psychologically-scarred from this. And that may be the truth. But a smartphone or tablet is very different to a book or magazine. For starters, when we use a digital device we often suffer from a ‘state of insufficiency’. That is, we never ever feel ‘complete’ or ‘done’. There’s always something else that can come into our inbox, or we can always refresh our social media feed and find something else to look at. Books and magazines have a clear finish point. Our screens are also a lot more engaging than magazines, with their sensory smorgasbord they offer. A book or magazine rarely had the captivating pull, like our phones have on us.

// Safety risk to our kids-

In my book I report there are increasing numbers of Australian children presenting to emergency departments with playground injuries. Anecdotally, pediatricians are suggesting two theories to account for this increase in injury rates: (i) kids are spending less time outdoors playing so they lack the physical skills to navigate playground equipment and are sustaining more injuries; and (ii) parents’ digital distraction (resulting in children sustaining injuries from unsupervised play).

There are some reports that children have died or sustained serious injuries because parents are distracted by their phones. Our brains are incapable of multitasking. We can’t adequately supervise our kids and respond to email. We just can’t!

Again, I understand that sometimes sitting down at the park when our little one is finally ready to play and give us five minutes of sanity time it’s tempting to reach for our phone. Getting lost in the online vortex is sometimes more appealing than settling sibling arguments or fixing broken lego sets. I understand that sometimes we just need a break from parenting (yes, I’ve also snuck into the pantry and used for my phone for some much-needed sanity time!) and our phones are an appealing place of solace.

// Our kids are imitating our habits-

Thanks to mirror neurons, our kids are born to imitate us. This is exactly why our child copies our partner’s worst habits (never our habits of course!!). The research confirms that kids who come from homes where parents have a lot of screen-time, so to do their kids. No surprises really. Monkey see, monkey do.

There are some well-known exceptions to this rule. As many of you have probably read, Steve Jobs and other tech executives were reported to be low-tech parents. As Adam Alter writes in his book Irresistible- The rise of addictive technology & the business of keeping us hooked, “It seemed as if the people producing tech products were following the cardinal rule of drug dealing: never get high on your own supply.” (p. 2).

// We get agitated and frustrated

When we’re trying to type an email and our toddler is barking orders for a snack, it’s only natural that we get frustrated. When our teenage son is pleading for the iPad so he can do his homework (when he really wants to just game) and we’re trying to complete a report on your laptop we get agitated. We feel as though we’re being pulled in multiple directions. We feel like we need to be simultaneously in multiple places. And that’s exhausting!

It seems we’re always buzzing, receiving alerts and generally switched on. Thanks to digital technologies, we’re now always connected. This means that the lines of demarcation between work, home and personal lives are now blurred. This is physically and psychologically taxing on us.

Our brains aren’t designed to be constantly ‘on’. We’re constantly processing information. However, we need white space. We need time to enter what neuroscientists call ‘mind-wandering’ mode, where we daydream (and turn off our prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that’s responsible for all of our higher-order thinking skills like impulse control and working memory).

When we try and multitask (which is what we’re doing in these situations where we’re managing kids and devices), our brain cannot cope. In fact, we know that when we try and multitask our brain burns through glucose (energy supply) and releases cortisol (stress hormone). We also send information to the wrong part of our brain (the striatum) and not the hippocampus (the memory centre).

(As an aside this is what I explain in my Attention Pleaseseminar that I deliver to educators and students- to help them understand the costs of multitasking).

As parents, we’re grappling to balance it all. It’s draining. It’s often overwhelming. And it’s often our devices that are to blame.

A study confirmed this feeling. In the Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatricsa study reported that parents are feeling the ‘digital pull’. When we use our digital devices around children it causes internal tension, conflicts and negative interactions with our kids. We often feel like our phones are managing us!

We become frustrated when we’re interrupted on our device. This is referred to as the “trickle down effect”. The human brain isn’t capable of processing kids’ demands and simultaneously reading incoming emails on our smartphones. When we feel compelled to pay attention to a work email—or look at news alerts, text messages, or a thousand other things that make our phones vibrate or ping—and our kids need our attention, we feel internally conflicted. In the study reported in the Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics both mothers and fathers complained of three things: information overload, emotional stress, and a disruption in their families’ routines, all triggered by the constant presence of a phone or tablet.

The research tells that reward systems and bribes don’t work in the long-term. They can create a false reward economy and it sets kids up to ask, “What’s in it for me?”

It’s easy to incentivise kids’ behaviour with screens but it creates a false reward system (I totally understand). However, dangling the ‘digital carrot’ is not an effective, or long-term solution.”

More and more parents are using screen-time in their parenting tool kit, as either a bribery tool, or as part of a reward system, or even as a punishment tool(as an aside, this isn’t a blog post to discuss the merits and limitations of parents ‘punishing’ children and whether that’s appropriate- that’s a totally separate topic and one I don’t want to address in this post).

But using ‘digital carrots’ or ‘digital stickers’ isn’t something that I recommend that parents do. Let me explain why I don’t think that we should be using technology as a tool to tame children’s behaviour.

There’s little doubt that incentivising kids’ behaviour with screen-time works. Again, I’ll admit that I’ve reverted to doing this when every other parenting trick has failed… However, it’s only effective in the short-term and doesn’t help our kids to develop their intrinsic motivation, nor does it help them to learn how to emotionally regulate.

Have you asked your kids to clean their room and promise them that if they do, you’ll allow them to use the iPad? They never clean so fast and efficiently!

But does incentivising behaviour with screen-time necessarily result in long-term behavioural change? Nope.

Does negotiating with screen-time as the bargaining tool, result in kids developing emotional regulation skills? Nope.

We shouldn’t be using technology to tame children’s behaviour.”

Why using screens as a reward or bribery tool isn’t effective

// If we use screens as a reward or as a bribery tool we’rerewarding or encouraging something that we don’t actually want our kids to want more of (i.e.more screen-time). As screen-time is usually a fairly inherently rewarding activity for most kids we don’t need to further elevate its status by using it as a tool to drive and shape their behaviour. When kids are using technology their brains are secreting the neurotransmitter dopamine because it’s usually a pleasurable experience for them, so there’s no need to use rewards and/or bribes to make it even more appealing.

// Using screens as a reward or punishment tool develops a transactional relationship between kids and parents. Kids start to ask, “If I do X, can I have an hour of screen-time?” and will negotiate accordingly. A family recently told me that they were bamboozled that their 8 year old son offered to unpack the dishwasher but before starting he turned and asked, “How much extra time can I have on the iPad if I do this?” Once you start offering screens as a reward or bribe it’s often really hard to stop this transactional discussion. When market forces enter the family dynamic it’s often hard to tame. The reward and bribes need to be constantly increased to elicit co-operation. The standards are constantly raised (and this is tiring and often expensive for us parents!).

// We want our kids to see technology as a tool and not a toy. We want our kids to see that screens help us to do things- i.e. send messages, consume information, used for leisure. If screens are used in a functionalway, and not as a reward or punishment tool, then kids are more likely to develop healthy relationships with technology and see them as tools that enable them to perform specific tasks. Otherwise they can quickly develop a ‘digital dependence’ and look to screens to ameliorate their feelings, or to simply entertain or pacify them.

// Bribes, or rewarding specific behaviours with screen-time usually only works in theshort-term. If we want long-term behavioural change we need our kids to develop intrinsic motivation and an internal locus of control when it comes to managing their feelings and behaviours. Bribes and reward systems have limited long-term effectiveness. You’ll soon be forced into negotiating with them, because they’ll be the ones insisting that they’re ‘entitled to’ or have ‘earnt’ screen-time if they perform certain tasks (i.e. “If I eat my dinner, can I play on the iPad?”, “If I unpack the dishwasher, can I have another half an hour on the iPad). We want our kids to develop healthy habits, so we want them to see technology as a tool and as a privilege (and not a right that they can demand if they perform certain tasks).

// Bribes and rewards don’t teach our kids respect and responsibility. In fact they can cultivate a sense of entitlement. It can also teach our kids compliance, which can, over time, undermine their self-esteem, well-being and sense of capability. Kids can start to feel discouraged when they have to adhere to threats or co-operate to gain rewards, as the power dynamic shifts in favour of their parents. This often results in resentment and conflicts between kids and parents. If kids feel powerless they won’t co-operate. Instead, we need to make them feel capable and supported and this will help them to learn respect and responsibility.

// Bribes and rewards don’t allow our kids to learn how to effectively emotionally-regulate. If kids are regulating their emotional response, or completing household tasks or chores to simply get a dose of digital, then they’re often missing out on opportunities to cultivate and refine their emotional-regulation skills and develop in intrinsic motivation. Kids need to sit in cafes and restaurants and be given an opportunity to learn patience and social skills. Yes, it’s okay for your child to be bored- in fact they need it! Always wielding digital devices at kids in these situations, means that our kids don’t get to rehearse and refine these critical skills. (And no, this isn’t an attempt to make you feel guilty if you’ve ever handed over a digital device to your child in a cafe or restaurant- we never know anyone’s full story so there’s no need to judge.) We know that over time, kids that are always placated with screens learn to become dependent on these devices whenever they encounter these feelings and/or situations. This can lead to unhealthy associations.

// Compensating kids for completing mundane tasks (e.g. brushing teeth, making beds etc) orprosocial tasks (e.g. be nice to your brother and you can play Minecraft) sets kids up to expect a tangible reward for their efforts or actions. It sets up false expectations. The real world isn’t always rewarding. Kids can quickly become accustomed to being rewarded or praised for their efforts and/or behaviour. If we do this, we often then have to raise the bar each time. This can result in significant negative and unintended long-term consequences for both kids and their families (I don’t want to be entering a plea-bargain negotiation every time their teeth need to be brushed).

// Using screens as a reward or punishment undermines kids’intrinsic motivation. One of our ultimate goals as parents is to raise thriving, independent, thoughtful kids. We want our kids to be intrinsically motivated and want to assist us with mundane family tasks, or co-operate with siblings because they want to and not just because there’s a digital carrot dangling in front of them.

In summary we need to avoid using screens as a behavioural incentive. Yes, they certainly work, but they can soon backfire and become a rod for your own back.

Screen-free tips for managing kids’ behaviour

So how do we get kids to complete mundane tasks and/or engage in prosocial behaviour without wielding screens in front of them?

// Make them feel capable and supported– e.g. “Would you like to read a book while we wait at the doctors?”

// Use positive language that invites cooperation and participation. E.g. “I’m unpacking the dishwasher. Is anyone else able to help me out?”

// Build and maintain relationships with your kids. This is one of the best ways to elicit cooperation and positive behaviour and it will have a long-term effect.

// Ensure what you’re asking your child to do or how to behave is actually age- and stage-appropriate. Expecting your toddler not to throw tantrums is completely unrealistic.

// Use rewards and praise sparingly (now this is a whole new blog post on its own). Kids quickly become accustomed to always being rewarded for positive behaviour or completing everyday tasks. (I think back to my early Kindergarten teaching days when I offered some children a sticker for quickly packing their bags. After this, every child wanted a sticker for replicating this behaviour, every day. This was a costly lesson to learn as a new teacher handing out expensive scratch-and-sniff stickers like they were going out of fashion. Lesson learned).

// Relax your standards and ‘keep your hair on’. As time-poor parents, we’re often expecting our kids to do a multitude of things and often at a very high standard. As my wise Mum tells me,”Pick your battles.” What’s really important when it comes to your kids behaviour?

I’d love to know in the comments below, have you used or tried to avoid using screens as a reward or bribery tool? Has it worked?

The number one question that I’m asked by parents, as I travel throughout the country is, “How much screen-time is okay for kids?”

It’s the million dollar question that parents of ‘screenagers’ want to know. Just how much is ‘safe’? When does too much become too much?

Many parents (as well as educators and health professionals) are surprised to learn that we have recommendations regarding screen-time in Australia. You can read more about them here. Up until recently, Australia’s screen-time guidelines have been fairly consistent with the recommendations suggested by The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). However, in late 2015 the AAP announced that they were in the process of revising their screen-time guidelines (much to the relief of researchers, parents and educators).

Many parents, educators and health professionals believed that the AAP’s previous guidelines that prescribed specific screen-time limits, based simply on a child’s chronological age, were outdated and too simplistic (not to mention, unrealistic for many children who using screens throughout their day, both at home and school, for both leisure and learning). Many academics, educators and parents (who failed miserably when it came to enforcing these time-limits) considered the previous guidelines as paternalistic. There was too much emphasis on limiting screen-time and not enough guidance as to how to actually use technology in appropriate and healthy way with kids (as many of you know I believe that ‘digital amputation’ is not the solution for our kids).

So I was delighted when I read that the AAP AAP updated their screen-time recommendations in October 2016. These revised guidelines acknowledge the screen-saturated world in which we’re now raising kids. In the previous AAP guidelines there was an underlying assumption that all screen-time was toxic for kids and therefore needed to be used sparingly (when the research tells us that’s certainly not the case- kids can benefit from using screens when used intentionally and in developmentally-appropriate ways).

However, the revised guidelines adopt a more realistic and helpful approach, especially for bamboozled parents who are struggling to navigate the digital terrain with their tech-savvy kids (we’re often given conflicting and inaccurate advice about screens and kids to further complicate matters). It provides practical and realistic suggestions that parents need to consider when determining their child’s screen-time. The updated documents consider the positive potential that technology and screens offer children, rather than simply prescribing the enforcement of strict time limits (phew- what a relief!).

Instead, the new guidelines focus on how to best use media in ways that are commensurate with kids’ developmental priorities.

The revised guidelines consider both the risks and benefits of kids using technology. This is a welcomed relief, as both a researcher (and a mum!), because we know that complete digital abstinence is not a viable, long-term solution that will serve our kids. Our kids want to use technology. So we need to teach them healthy and helpful ways to do so and to mitigate any potential threats.

The AAP released three policy statements (you can read the 0-5, 5-18 years and a technical reporthere) and in addition the U.S. Department of Education and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services also released a document that focuses on technology’s use in early learning (0-8 years) as increasing numbers of early childhood educators are seeking advice about young kids and screens.

The key AAP changes that parents need to know

// 0-18 months– No media use at all is recommended for children under 18 months. The only exception to this recommendation is if families use Skype or FaceTime (video-chat technologies) to stay connected with one another, so long as parental support is included as part of this screen-time activity.

WHY NO SCREEN-TIME? We know that infants’ brains are undergoing rapid neurological development in the first three years of life especially (85% of brain architecture is believed to be be formed in the first three years). Given infants have such limited waking hours, we have to ensure that screens aren’t eroding their key developmental priorities such as sleep, play, physical movement, language and nutrition. The premature introduction of screens has not, at this point in time, been shown to have benefits to an infant.

// 1.5- 2 year olds– Parental co-viewing, otherwise referred to as ‘shared media use’ is strongly encouraged at this age. Where possible, children should be using and viewing media with an adult and should be using quality, educational media (and limited entertainment at this age). There are some distinctions between educational and entertainment media. It was interesting to note that the AAP actually specified recommended children’s media producers, PBS kids and Sesame Street Workshop because they design media based on kids’ learning needs and adhere to developmental guidelines.

Research has still yet to demonstrate the benefits of media use for children under the age of two. However, there appears to be learning benefits, as long as a parent is actively engaged in the co-viewing experience with young children as it’s an opportunity to hear and use language and build relationships.

// 2- 5 year olds– Limit media use to no more than one hour per day for pre-schoolers. This is despite studies that show most pre-schoolers are consuming 2 hours/day of screen media. Again, parents should be seeking high-quality educational and pro-social media content, and should continue to co-view the media experience with their child.

WHY CO-VIEWING? There’s ample research that tells us that co-viewing enhances children’s learning when using screens. Co-viewing helps young children make meaning from the screen and connect the 2D situation to a real-life, 3D experience (research also tells us that a ‘video deficit’ persists until kids are about 30 months, meaning that they find it hard to make meaning from a screen, as compared to a real-life, hands-on experience).

// 6 years +– For children aged 6 years and older parents, educators and health professionals must ensure that media use does not supersede essential developmental activities like play, relationships (i.e. time with friends and family), and sleep. The document states, “…make sure media does not take the place of adequate sleep, physical activity and other behaviours essential to health.”

// Parents are also encouraged to take time away from screens and engage in other (off-screen) activities with their child. The AAP suggested that children really need active media mentors that are alert, aware and involved in their children’s online activities.

// Parents should also consider establishing tech-free zones and times. The AAP now specifically state no media use one hour before bedtime and during meals (screen dinners) and in the car.

It was great to see that the AAP released an online tool via the HealthyChildren.org website which provides a simple online tool to calculate healthy screen-time limits. Parents can enter details that will enable them to calculate healthy screen-time limits, based on their child’s chronological age and other developmental properties. You can create a media plan here.

It was also reassuring to see that the AAP are now encouraging parents, educators and health professionals to look beyond simply quantifying ‘how much’ screen-time children accrue each day. In particular, they propose that parents consider when kids use screens (use before or during sleep time can impede the quality and quantity of sleep) and where they use screens (and equally as important- where are the tech-free zones).

This is exactly what I propose in my book Raising Your Child in a Digital World. Screens must not displace kids’ basic, developmental priorities and the AAP made this very clear. And the only way that we can determine that, is by looking at the whole picture (and not just narrowly looking at ‘how much’ screen-time kids accumulate).

Limitations of the AAP revised guidelines

I’m a HUGE fan of the revised guidelines and they’re fairly consistent to what I share in my Parent Seminars.

However, the AAP’s revised guidelines did not specifically address:

// what kids are doing with screens. Is it leisure or learning? Is it active or passive? Are they creating, communicating, collaborating or consuming?; and

// how kids use screens. There are potential risks to children’s physical health and development if screens are used prematurely, excessively or inappropriately. In particular, there are potential risks to their vision, hearing and posture, as well as their social and emotional development if screens are used in the wrong ways.

I’d love to know in the comments below, do you agree with the AAP’s revised guidelines? What would you like to know more about?

WARNING- Content is this blog post may distress some readers. It addresses the issue of pornography.

I used to be relieved that I didn’t have to discuss the topic of ‘pornography’ in the parent seminars that I deliver. It’s a topic that many of us feel uncomfortable discussing at all. Let alone having to talk to other adults about it, especially when you’ve never met them before. Eeek!

You see, I talk to parents, educators and health professionals working with children aged 0-12 years so pornography wasn’t a topic that was on my radar.

Sure, parents of older children were needing to address this issue, but it wasn’t something that parents with younger children had to consider. I was off the hook.

Until now.

As I travel throughout the country speaking to parents, educators and health professionals, I’m hearing more and more distressing stories of young children accessing pornography. Children as young as 7 years of age are being exposed to pornography (sometimes accidentally and sometimes intentionally).

I’ve heard an awful story of an 8-year-old child being shown violent pornographic videos at school by a group of 10-year-old boys on their iPad in their lunch break (and yes, there was strict Internet filtering software at the school, but they simply used their 4G connection to bypass the filters).

I’ve heard sad stories of young children (we’re talking 10 years and younger) performing sex acts with other children because they’re seeing pornography and they think it’s ‘normal’.

I’ve heard a case about appalling genital injuries sustained by an 8-year-old girl who engaged in dangerous sex acts with her brother because they’d stumbled on pornographic content and decided to copy what they’d seen.

This is awful. This upsets us. This is something I really wish that I didn’t have to write about…truly.

However, this is the sad reality we’re facing. Pretending that this is not a problem, or that this won’t impact our children is both dangerous and naïve.

You see, it’s no longer a matter of if, but when your child will access pornography.

When are kids accessing pornography?

The research in this area is not clear. Gaining ethics approval to conduct studies on young children’s pornography habits and exposure is almost impossible. Therefore, it’s really difficult for researchers to accurately gauge exactly when kids are accessing pornography and how frequently they’re doing so.

Some research has suggested that children as young as 8 are seeing pornography and other studies suggest it’s around age 11. According to research conducted by Sydney University psychologists Sitharthan and Sitharthan, children are starting to view pornography between 11 and 13 years of age[1].Moreover, a 2012 publication from the St. James Ethics Centre reported the worrying trend that young children are intentionally accessing porn, sometimes as young as eleven years of age[2].

However, as I present at schools, community organisations and healthcare groups throughout Australia I’m anecdotally hearing more and more reports of young children (often under 10 years accessing pornography).

This upsets me terribly. I wish it wasn’t the case. I wish you didn’t need to read what I’m about to share below, but you do. I implore you to read on.

Whether we love technology or loathe it, it’s here to stay so we have to find healthy and helpful ways to use it and mitigate potential harmful effects.

And kids’ access to pornography is one of the biggest problems that we must address. We must find ways to mitigate these risks.

We can’t bury our head in the sand and hope that this won’t impact our kids. It will. Remember, it’s simply a matter of when.

I know that this is confronting to hear. Childhood should be a precious time that’s preserved and not impacted by our kids seeing distressing videos of adult content. That’s sadly, no longer their reality.

Even if you install Internet filtering software (which you must, especially with children under 13 years of age) and even if you carefully monitor your child’s screen-time (which I also implore you to do) it’s highly likely that your child will still encounter pornographic content when they’re young.

Kids are taking screenshots and videos of pornography and sharing it with their peers at school in the playground. They’re accessing it on the school bus. They’re sharing it via their phones.

Pornography is not a new issue

Pornography isn’t a new phenomenon. In years gone by, children might have meandered into the back section of the newsagents and snuck a quick peek at a Playboy magazine, or find a nudie calendar tucked away in Dad’s shed.

But these were static images. They didn’t have as much of an arousal effect that dynamic videos have on the brain. Research with male adults shows that the striatum (which is a critical component in the reward system of the brain) is active when people see sexual stimulus, particularly if it’s dynamic (as pornographic videos obviously are).

Today, the volume of pornographic material (some estimates suggest that 30% of all web traffic involves pornography) has increased and kids now have easy access to pornography given the ubiquity of digital devices, especially handheld devices.

Our kids really now do have “porn in their pocket” and often when we’re not around.

This increased ease of access to pornography obviously also increases kids’ risk of accidental exposure to pornography. The more time you’re on Internet-enabled devices, the greater the risk that you may encounter pornography.

Impact of pornography on our kids

Pornography exposure, especially for young, pre-adolescent children, can have catastrophic and life-long impacts on a child’s social and emotional wellbeing. The research is confirming that there are very really harms associated with pornography exposure[1].

The basic problem is that our kids can’t un-see something. Once they’ve seen pornography (or violence, or scary content) the images are indelibly sketched on their brain.

As a child once explained to their parent, they wanted to rub the images out of their eyeballs. They’d accidentally stumbled on pornography after doing a rather benign Google search for a school project. Sadly, once it’s been seen, it can’t be ‘unseen’.

//Disturbing or upsetting

A distraught father told me that his son (who was 9 years of age at the time) hysterically wept at night for months on end after one of his older siblings showed him a pornographic film at home (whilst his father was in another room). Exposure to pornography can be disturbing or upsetting for our young children because they lack the emotional resilience to process such information. They’re simply too young to understand.

// Shaping norms about sexual experiences

Exposure to pornographic content means that children are often first encountering sexual content that is often violent, non-consensual, degrading towards women and eroticises violence. This is not the type of sex education we want for our kids.

// Kids are being desensitised to violence

There are concerns that exposure to pornography by young children may normalise violence towards women. Repeated viewing to violent, pornographic content may desensitise kids to violence[1]. More research in this area is warranted.

Research with adult males has shown less activation in the striatum, the more pornography participants consumed. It appears that, over time, prolonged exposure to pornography can develop a level of tolerance in viewers. They seek out more violent or dangerous or taboo content (and this is the very reason why research is showing that pornographic producers are making more physically violent content in recent years). Viewers are needing more extreme and violent content to elicit the same pleasurable feelings. As a result, producers of pornography are now making sexual content that is more aggressive and violent in an attempt to continually arouse viewers.

// Kids are engaging in dangerous and unsafe sexual practices

Children and adolescents are emulating sexual acts that they’ve seen in pornographic films and are more frequently engaging in unsafe sexual practices such as anal to oral sex and/or unprotected sex according to health professionals.

There are also anecdotal reports that child-to-child sex acts are increasing. Impressionable children are accessing pornography (accidentally or intentionally) and are then mirroring what they see. Sometimes this is in a consensual act and other times it is not.

There have also been reports that young children are using implements for penetration and coercing other children into performing sexual acts.

There’s also been an increase in youth-produced child pornography, according to a study conducted by Bobkowski, Brown and Neffa in 2012.[1] Young children under 15 years are creating and curating explicit pornographic material using popular online sites and social media. Some tweens are also engaging in self-generated pornography too, taking nude or semi-nude photos or videos of themselves engaging in erotic or sexual activities and electronically sharing these on social media and instant messaging sites like Instagram and Kik. This is a self-perpetuating cycle as children get social validation when they share such content.

What can parents do?

// Use an Internet filtering tool like the Family Zone to prevent your child from accessing inappropriate content (either intentionally or accidentally). The benefit of this filtering software is that it also allows parents to establish screen-time limits. I’m a proud ambassador of the Family Zone as it’s a product that I personally use at home to keep my kids safe.

// Understand that kids are naturally curious about sex and will seek out information about sex online. So provide them with age-appropriate and quality sex education that explores both the mechanics of sex and the relationship aspect as well. Encourage them to ask questions from you (even if it embarrasses you or makes you feel uncomfortable) because we don’t want them to think that discussing sex is taboo (this will only encourage more secretive activity).

// Be alert and engaged. Have ongoing and incidental conversations about what kids are doing online. You want to build relationships with your child so that if they do encounter unsavoury content, that they feel safe enough to come and talk to you about it.

// Co-view with your child, where possible. Show an avid interest in what they’re doing online.

// Keep bedrooms as tech-free zones. I’ve heard awful stories of young children accessing pornography in the middle of the night when they should be sleeping.

If you’ve read this far, I want to commend you. I know, as a mum, that this is a personally confronting and sad topic. But we can’t ignore this problem.

We need to collaborate, as parents, educators and health professionals and have open and ongoing conversations about our kids’ access to pornography. This is the only way that we can drive this underground problem away.

In the comments below, I’d love to know are you worried about your child’s access to pornography? What step/s have you taken to prevent your child from accessing it?

Marriner, C. (2016). The damage pornography did to a six-year-old child. The Age, February 7, 2016. Retrieved from <http://www.theage.com.au/national/the-damage-pornography-did-to-a-sixyearold-child-20160205-gmmuv2.html>

[1] Linz, D., Donnerstein, E., & Penrod, S. (1987). The findings and recommendations of the Attorney General’s Commission on Pornography: Do the psychological” facts” fit the political fury? American Psychologist, 42(10), 946.

Screens seem to be invading our lives. Everywhere we turn, there are screens vying for our attention.

And the dinner table isn’t immune to this screen invasion either.

As adults, our reliance on our smartphones and gadgets has ushered us into completely new ways of parenting. We’re often quickly trying to reply to an email between mouthfuls of food, whilst our toddlers mindlessly shovel food into their mouth twisting their neck so they can still watch the TV from the dinner table (or perhaps we’ve made it easier for them by propping the tablet in front of their dinner plate).

More and more families are having screen-dinners each week. In fact, a study by Pew Research Center found that whilst 88% of adults don’t think it’s appropriate to use the phone during meal-times, 47% of parents said that they or another family member used a mobile device at the dinner table in the last week. In a 2015 poll conducted by the American Speech-Language-Hearing Association, 24% of two-year-old children use technology at the dinner table and by the age of eight, it was nearly 45%.

For many families, it’s not just mobile devices that are taking a seat at the dinner table, but so too do our TVs. The Pew Research Center also found that 34% of families said that the TV was on for all or most dinners.

It seems that our digital reliance is changing how we eat. Meal-times don’t look like they used to and this is a worry…not just for nostalgic reasons (where we reminisce about days gone by where all family members sat around the dinner table discussing their day).

Meal-times matter in families.

Why no tablets at the table?

Now I’m not suggesting that there’s anything wrong with the occasional screen dinner. I confess, we love Mexican and a movie on many a Saturday night (let’s be honest and say it’s most Saturday nights because I’m too pooped to cook!). There’s nothing wrong with occasionally eating in front of the TV (or the iPad, or the digital device of choice). There’s nothing wrong with occasionally having to take an important call at the dinner table.

However, we need to be careful that we’re not always switching on the digital device, or always taking calls, or checking our phones during dinner. We need to think carefully about our definition of ‘important’.

What’s more important: Is it more important to take the call, or have some uninterrupted conversation with our kids?

We need to preserve tech-free zones and times

We need to carve out and preserve times and spaces that are tech-free. We need to establish clear lines of demarcation when it comes to specifying sacred times and places where digital devices simply don’t go.

We’ve become so attached to our screens and gadgets that the lines are blurring when it comes to times and spaces where screens don’t need to go, as the video below demonstrates.

As a mum (and a researcher), I firmly believe that we need to keep meal-times as a sacred time where we unplug from our devices and connect with each other (where we can, most of the time). The dinner table needs to be a sacred place, where we’re not distracted by alerts and notifications. A place where our conversations aren’t truncated or side-tracked because something flashes or vibrates on our device. A dedicated place where we can really connect.

The dinner table should be a place for us to connect, as family members, free from our digital magnets that rob us of our attention.

Our kids are wanting our attention

As parents, we’re constantly fretting about our children’s screen infatuation and obsession, but we often overlook our digital dependence. As adults, many of us are so connected to our devices, that we’re not critically thinking about how our screen habits are impacting on our kids.

And whether we want to admit it (or not) there’s little denying that it’s, in fact, our digital preoccupation that’s having just as much of an impact on our kids, as it is their digital obsession.

Our kids are craving our attention… yet we’re sometimes so digitally distracted that we don’t realise. Our kids are reporting that they feel like they need to compete with our devices to gain our attention.

In fact, a large-scale global study (with over 6 000 participants) by online security company AVG found that 32% of Australian child respondents said their parents spent equal or less time with them than on their devices.

As parents we need to be so careful that our devices aren’t robbing us of our two greatest, (non-renewable) resources: our time and our attention.

A powerful media campaign was designed by Ogilvy Beijing for the Center For Psychological Researchto promote awareness about how our screens are acting as digital intruders, especially around meal-times. The images are quite a powerful reminder of how our screens can become digital invaders, especially around meal-times.

We’re wired to connect

We know from research (and no, this isn’t an attempt to make parents feel guilty about their screen habits… none of us benefit from ‘techno-shame’) that the mere presence of phones on the table changes our interactions, as adults. A study by psychologists at the University of Essex found that a phone on the table, even if it’s switched off, makes people feel more disconnected, keeps conversations lighter and more focused on topics of little controversy or consequence because we fear being interrupted. So screens are literally changing the ways that we interact and engage at the table.

In my book, I identify that one of our most fundamental human needs is to form relationships and attachments to others. One of the easiest ways to build relationships and a sense of belonging is through storytelling. Stories bond families together. According to author Gary Chapman in his book, Growing Up Socialstories make up the “social glue” in families and help to weave their experiences together. Stories help to root our children in our family’s history and provide a sense of connectedness. And the dinner table is the ideal place where kids can hear and exchange stories.

A favourite story in our house is when Nanny fell in the freezer at the grocery store in an attempt to reach an ice-cream tub hidden at the bottom of the chest freezer. It’s on high rotation at our dinner table and our kids don’t seem to tire of hearing the same (hysterical) story. (Thanks Nanny for providing us with great entertainment value!)

You see, when our kids hear stories the language processing parts of their brains are activated, but so too are the parts of their brain that they’d use if they were experiencing the events first-hand. For example, if they’re hearing about food, their sensory cortex is activated and if they’re hearing about movement, their motor cortex lights up. You see, evolution has literally wired our brains for storytelling.

But opportunities for storytelling and conversation are being displaced by screens.

Mindless eating

Whilst conducting research for my book, I was stunned to learn that pediatric nutritionists and dieticians who are reporting that they’re working with increasing numbers of children who are presenting with taste sensitivities and preferences in recent times.

Anecdotal evidence suggests that having the screen on during meal-times may promote mindless eating. Children aren’t truly tasting foods and therefore aren’t developing a full taste repertoire. They’re also more likely to want to eat ‘easy’ foods that don’t require lots of mastication (chewing) when they’re digitally distracted. It seems that screens may actually interfere with the formation of young children’s eating habits and preferences!

Sensory overload

Our kids’ sensory systems are being bombarded by a range of sensory stimulus that the online world throws at them. There are sound effects, moving graphics, music, alerts and notifications just to name a few. All of these sensory inputs are impacting on our children’s sensory processing capacities. If there’s too much being projected at our child, or if their sensory processing skills are still developing (which they typically are in young children), it’s like turning on the hose at full speed and expecting a tea-cup to catch it. Their sensory system gets overwhelmed.

This sensory bombardment means that it’s difficult for children, particularly young children who are still developing their taste preferences and palette, to concentrate on the act of eating if their sensory system is being seduced by screens. They simply don’t have the mental bandwidth to focus on eating.

Top tips for keeping devices off the table

// Have a specific landing zone where devices go before it’s time to sit at the table. In our house, phones go on the kitchen bench-top (often for charging) and we try (although we often forget) to switch them to silent. If my husband or I are expecting an urgent call we’ll often keep our phone switched on, but off the table.

// Have specific rules around when and how screens can be used at the dinner table, but also be flexible with the ‘rules’. If someone has a funny photo or video to share on their phone, that might stimulate conversation, then be flexible with the no-screens at the table rule.

Recently in our house, Billy, aged 2, had visited Dad’s building site and had driven the excavator (highlight of his life so far at age 2!) so when his grandparents came over for dinner, he wanted to show them the video and after he did, there was so much conversation. It seemed that the smartphone and video footage he shared, was a great catalyst for discussion.

I guess we need to ask ourselves, will the screen invade or enhance our interactions at the table?

// As adults, we need to remind ourselves that we don’t need to be tethered to our devices 24/7. I think many of us, myself included from time to time, have got trapped into the ‘busy trap’. We’ve convinced ourselves that we need to be contactable all the time. And this is a misnomer. We don’t need to always be in arm’s-reach of our phone, or instantly reply to social media alerts or SMS. We’ve become conditioned to being connected to our devices. It’s okay for us to disconnect. We need to because our children are watching and copying our digital habits.

// Join in the Common Sense Media #devicefreedinners challenge. This challenge helps to remind families of the importance of disconnecting during meal-times.

//Don’t make radical changes instantly. If you’ve allowed screens to creep in and take a seat at the dinner table, you need to make small, gradual changes over time to alter these habits. Don’t expect to make instant or drastic changes. Instead, make changes over time and encourage your child to be involved in the changes and explain your reasoning why you want to make changes.

As parents, we need to put a lid on our and our kids’ screen-time at meal-times. We need to ensure that our kids are interacting with people, not pixels, at the dinner table. This is too important for us to get wrong!

I’m presenting an online video event on 6th September with Simone, a children’s nutritionist, about how to find a healthy balance of time online without the pre-meal techno tantrums or conflict.

In the comments below, I’d love to know if you’ve tried to keep meal-times as tech-free times. What struggles have you experienced? Have you noticed any changes in your children’s eating habits when they’re plugged in?

And if you think it’s only girls who are affected, you’re mistaken. Young boys’ formation of body image is also impacted by media.

Recent research from Common Sense Media found that a number of factors impact on young children’s formation of body image. The study involved a review of the existing research on the links between body image and media. It found that both traditional media (movies, TV, magazines, ads) as well as digital media play a pivotal role in children’s body image.

The report confirmed two things that many parents and educators have suspected: (i) children’s body image now develops at a very young age and (ii) there are multiple factors that are influential including parents, some media, and peers.

Here’s a quick summary of the study:

Three Tips to Minimise the Adverse Impact of Media on Children’s Body Image

Talk About Body Image– Talk to your child before, during and after they watch TV, DVDs or movies (where possible. I know that it’s not always possible to sit down with your child every time they watch something). Openly discuss how the characters are portrayed.

Watch What You Say– Be mindful of what you say yourself. Children are sponges. They absorb everything that we say (and do). Our off-the-cuff comments about your own weight or appearance (or that of others) are internalised by children.

I’d love to know in the comments below, what positive models you’ve found in the media when it comes to young kids and body image? Is this something that you worry about with your little ones?

// Worried about your child’s screen time?

// Want to end your techno-guilt once and for all?

Dr Kristy is offering a parent seminar at South Curl Curl Surf Club to help modern parents, of children aged 0-12 years, understand what kids really need to thrive in a digital age.

Children’s technology and development expert (and mum!) Dr Kristy Goodwin helps parents find the best ways to use technology to support, not stifle young children’s learning and development. She arms parents with facts, not fears, about what young children (0-12 years) really need to thrive online and offline in a digital world.

// The seven essential building blocks for thriving in a digital world- simple things like sleep, play and relationships (so you can have peace-of-mind that your child’s tech habits are healthy and helpful and won’t harm your child);

// Information about how technology can either help or harm each of the seven essential building blocks (you’ll be armed with research-based information so you can feel confident about your digital decisions and know how to separate fact from fiction when it comes to kids and technology);

// Practical and simple strategies about how to safely use everyday technologies like TVs, touchscreen devices and video games in ways that are aligned with young children’s developmental needs (you can finally eradicate your techno-guilt and confusion once and for all); and

// Healthy technology habits that young children need to develop (so that their health, learning and wellbeing is supported in a digital age)- advice about the impact of screens on children’s vision, hearing and posture.

This parent seminar is specifically designed for parents of children aged 2-12 years.