Confused Girl Getting Played

Dear Rob,
I’ve really gotten myself into a mess and I was hoping you could help me out.
This has an elaborate back story, please bear with me, I don’t know who else to
turn to for advice and am, quite frankly, desperate.

I’m in college and met a senior boy in early October. We hit it off and talked most of night separated from the rest of the group. The next day he called and
asked me if I’d like to go to a party at his friend’s apartment later that week. Ever since I went to the party we began hanging out and hooking up… but just
kissing.

After three weeks of this, we somehow fell into the “what are we” discussion and he quite openly said that he did not want a commitment BUT that that didn’t mean we could hang out, get to know each other, be romantic, etc. it just meant he didn’t want to be tied down for his senior year.

I said it was fine if he didn’t want something serious but wasn’t ok with him hooking up with other people. He neither denied nor admitted that this was what he meant, instead he avoided it by saying if friends was how I wanted it he respected my decision.

Thinking that wasn’t a good enough answer and scared to push it further for fear of looking desperate I let it go, accepting “friend” status, saying I deserved better and him replying “I know you do.” However, instead of being friends we lost total contact with each other. Some friends suggested it was because we were just kissing, but I honestly do not think he is like that, and that enforced the idea in my head that there had to be real feelings there if all we were doing was kissing and he kept wanting to hang out.

A few weeks after this I saw him for the first time but didn’t have time to really stop and chat. He texted me later that night and all through the week, just as friendly as ever, asked me to hang out at a friends apartment (sounds familiar?) but I couldn’t so he made sure I was going to make it out to a party he helped plan that weekend. I went to the party. The feelings and chemistry and attraction never really died from the moment we first met; just because we were in different places didn’t change the fact these things are always there between us. I assumed he wanted to start hanging out/hooking up again because he was making all the same moves he had in the first place.

We hung out at the party but then I went to go talk to some friends and when I turned around he was making out with another girl on the dance-floor. I was angry and upset and jealous but really had no right to be because we were just “friends.” The next day he called to ask if I’d had a good time and I sort of bitched him out about giving me mixed signals and we left things on a very sour note.

We stopped speaking and I didn’t see him since, yet I thought about him all the time and every time I went out with someone else they just didn’t seem to measure up to him or the attractions and chemistry we’d shared.

Fast forward to January 1st, 2008. I had a few too many drinks and was powerfully reminded of him when a song we had an inside joke about came on at
the bar I was in so I texted him basically saying the song was playing, it’d been awhile, and I hoped he was doing well. After initiating contact we immediately started talking again and he apologized for the way we had left things and would love to start spending time together again if I didn’t still “hate his face.” As soon as we got back to campus he was asking me to hang out pretty much every day but I always had a conflict. Then by chance we ended up at the same club one night. I was with another guy (a friend actually, but one I am flirty with). My friends said he didn’t take his eyes off me the entire night and was blatantly staring whenever my other guy friend came to talk with me.

A few days later I finally gave into him and agreed to go out with him to a party. As the night went on everything just fell into place with such familiarity and comfort? when we are together it feels like we are boyfriend/girlfriend and that is pretty much how he treats me. I ended up going back with him to his apartment that night and slept with him (I know you are going to say that was a mistake, but it was completely my idea? and while I am sure he is loving the fact we are now having sex I know its not the only reason he’s interested since before we were just kissing). It was very intimate and afterward we stayed up talking all night, cuddling. Two days later he invited me to a concert with his two best guy friends and had a great time. We hung out a few times after this as well, but I started getting anxious because I felt like I was right back where I was in the beginning of not knowing what we were or where I stood.

Also, I asked a boy in his frat about him and he said that honestly he didn’t know him that well because he is a sophomore, but had a feeling he was a bit of player. My question is if he is a player why would he keep coming back to me if he has so many other options? Also, it genuinely feels like he likes me because he opens up to me about a lot of stuff like his grandpa who just died and a friend of his who has AIDS, and we don’t just hook up, we go out, I meet his friends, we stay up talking till 6 am….. He’s also done some things that would make it appear like he genuinely cares but I will get to that later.

I talked to one of his best friends about it more recently (a girl) and she claims he probably does want freedom because he is a senior but that he is a genuine guy and wouldn’t say something if he didn’t truly mean it, and that he was badly burned in the past and probably does not want to enter a situation where he could get hurt.

I wasn’t sure what to think so one day I couldn’t get my mind off of it and wrote him an e-mail basically saying I was confused and am not the kind of girl that can be comfortable sleeping with someone who isn’t even committed to me?

I also mentioned not wanting or needing him to necessarily be my boyfriend but that that was a tough area to get into because exclusivity if often equated with relationship. He called the next night wanting to take me out to dinner to talk about things and kind of let me know where he was coming from.

Basically he told me his about his relationship history… apparently he had this serious girlfriend from the beginning of freshmen year until the beginning of his junior year and she broke his heart it was his first love. He said how he never regretted it because he learned a lot of things, but at the same time was aware that he missed out on a lot of the social scenes/campus life, because all of his experiences were with her.

Then he went on to say it wasn’t because he wants to hook up with all these girls and hadn’t hooked up with anyone since we started up again a few’ weeks ago, and said he was old enough now that he’s kind of “past” it, but just wants freedom and space in his last few months and doesn’t want to be tied down, and said it could be a lot of fun but we would both end up getting hurt because it clearly wouldn’t last after he graduates and goes to New York. He took my hand and was all “I know its really cheesy when people say this but it really isn’t you, I’m not sure it’s me either, we are just at such different places in our lives. I think you’re great, smart, beautiful, funny, and I love spending time with you, the sex was amazing, and I’ve been thinking about this long before you said anything because I felt guilty about starting things up again when I know that I just want to enjoy my last few months and not have to worry about the responsibility of having a girlfriend when I’m out because I’d feel guilty every time I wasn’t hanging out with you” and lots of other stuff? so we ended.

This time, “friends” meant actually being friends. I saw him almost every day after this, which was hard because, again, all the feelings were still there.

This “friend” period lasted about a week, during which he invited me to another concert of one of my favorite bands. Unfortunately, I’d already made plans to help with a party at his frat that weekend, but I assumed he would go anyway and did not expect to see him there. I had way too much to drink that night, and near the end of the party, everyone was leaving to go to another house, I saw him outside. I had lost track of my friends and he offered to take me home. He made sure I got water and walked a mile to get his car to come get me, then got me some food on the way back so I would have something in my stomach. He held my hand the entire car ride. The next few days ensued with a
lot of confusion about what we wanted because we established that we missed each other.

I basically laid everything on the line (something I pretty much never do) and said hey, if you like me and enjoy spending time with me and are attracted to me then I don’t see why we can’t just have a lot of fun for the next 4 months then walk away from it with some great memories but knowing it had to end. He said things were complicated and he didn’t know what quite to do with himself, but the next time we hung out, it was pretty evident that we were back in our rhythm of acting like boyfriend/girlfriend and ever since then we have been consistently hanging out/hooking up.

I’d say we probably hang out on average 3 times a week, but never two nights in a row. I’m unsure of how to act around him when I see him at a club but we didn’t make plans to hang out.

It’s like we say hey to each other but then go back to our own groups of friends and dance with other people and leave with other people.

I’m just afraid, once again, that I’m one of many girls. The fact he hangs out with me so much makes it seem impossible he’d even have enough time to be hooking up with other people, but hey, you never know.

He’s quite the catch too — he could get a girl if he wanted. Not that I’m not a catch, solely based on appearances I work as model during the summer, and would consider myself the sweetheart of my group of friends. If he honestly does not want to “date” me because he is afraid of being tied down, afraid I will take away time from him hanging out with his other friends, I am willing to live with that.

I just wish there was a way of knowing if that’s really what he meant, or if he actually would hook up with someone else. In my mind, being so casual is hard because when I like a person, no matter the level of seriousness, I generally don’t explore other options. It scares me if this is what he is doing because it places me under a category frighteningly near “fuck-buddy.” It’s strange, though. When we are out together, we do everything couples do. Hold hands, meet our respective friends, kiss, etc. etc. I don’t know what he wants. I am very, very happy when I am with him but in the one or two days between the time I am with him I am afraid and paranoid because we are and have always been undefined.

I am emotionally involved and my gut tells me he genuinely likes me but does not want to get attached. I’m afraid to bring this all up again because that’s like going in circles. I honestly just want to have fun with him for the next few months, but don’t want to have to worry about seeing him out hooking up with someone else, because the degree to which I like him is at a level I have only felt for one other person my entire life. I so badly want to believe in my heart and in him that this is really all he can give me but that he isn’t playing me and does truly like me.

I am at a loss? do you have any input on my situation?

I’m sorry it was so lengthy, I’ve just never encountered something like this and wasn’t quite sure how to describe it? should I give it another a week or two and see if his attitudes change at all?

Valentine’s day is just around the corner — do you think this will offer a good insight of how he is feeling? If I didn’t know any better I would say we are “dating” but I just worry how he would define us?

I shudder to think he would say we’re just “hooking up” because it implies there are no feelings attached?. I don’t know what to do. He drives me crazy and I can’t stop thinking about him, and I like him so much I sometimes think even if he does get drunk and randomly hook up with another girl staying with him would almost be worth it because of how amazing it is when we actually are together which is really ridiculous because I have plenty of other options who probably would be my boyfriend, I just want the guy I am with to be him? please help me, I am desperately seeking input.

Thank you so, so much for your time, you have no idea how much it would mean to me to hear a reply.
–Confused Girl

Hi Confused Girl,

Things will not change. There is an expiration date on your hanging out and hooking up with him.

The guy is getting exactly what he wants sex, friendship, no commitment.
And when you aren’t there he is a player with whatever woman is around to fulfill his “need”.

Stop being the plaything he wants you to be.

If there is no commitment, why are you putting yourself at such a risk?
You want more, much more that he is willing to offer.
And now he has you, and the freedom to hook up with any other woman as long as you aren’t around. And from what you told me, he’s pretty good at having times when he knows you aren’t around.

You are getting exactly what he wants to give you and not an iota more.

You may have feelings for him even now, strong feelings, but the milk is getting sour.
He knows he’ll be ending things, and comfort himself because after all it was just a “friendship”.
Your feelings will not cause him any guilt.

End things and dump him now, your only future is sorrow.Best Wishes,
Rob.