Saturday, August 28, 2010

when you are laying in bed and a seven year old and 2 five year olds have run of the house.i don't think that is suppose to get wet.the sound of the front door opening and slamming shut.it's okay, mom doesn't mind. (i have found when this is said, i usually do mind)shhhh. we don't want her to get out of bed.by then you are no longer asleep, nor do you wish to stay in bed.

Friday, August 27, 2010

not a whole heck of a lot going on. or i guess i should rephrase that. there is nothing noteworthy going on here.

kids driving me nuts but they are also driving eachother nuts. why does every summer end this way. the last two weeks are just hell. it is like we are so tired of seeing eachothers faces. breathing eachothers air. STOP BREATHING MY AIR!

I am getting daniel and ike ready for a camp out. they are both super excited because this will be Ike's first camp out. i already frisked him and allowed him to only bring ONE knife. so of course i will be needed to frisk him again one more time before he gets into the scoutmasters truck. it is really in everyone's best intrest that i do this.

we have been trying to squeeze in as much time at the pool as possible too. in fact i am just trying to keep the kids out of the house. we tend to do better when we can put a bit of space between us.

back to schoo shopping is done for all the boys. just need to get the girlies their clothes, and lets be honest, they are so much more fun to shop for.

i am pretty caught up on what i can do around the house and yard until we some out buildings fixed. so i am sorta in a holding pattern with that.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

So I went to my second appointment. I really did not want to go. I was running late, they had the end of my street blocked from construction, they had the freeway down to two lanes so it was backed up. I mean really, I should have just turned around and gone back home!But I knew if i headed back home the five little rugrats would be waited for me along with whatever disaster they were just about to cause. Talk about motivation.She asked if I did my homework and what I thought of it. I told her I did it. I thought it sucked. And I never want to do something like that again. My homework was to take an hour a day to grieve (never did that) journal about my feelings (i would much rather ignore them and hope they figure it out on their own) and list the happy and sad times of my marriage. Like I said, this homework SUCKED!!She said, "hmmmm. perhaps we need to try a new direction." We talked a lot about my anxiety. It has totally spiraled out of control. I have to keep moving all day long. Zipping from one chore to the next. I am exhausted, but I literally cannot stop moving. I am so short and crabby with my kids and just about anyone else that gets in the way of my routine. I told her I am totally parenting by fear. I am so scared that I am going to screw up my children. So I need to get myself to calm down. Shut down the adrenalin that is zipping through my system. This week my homework is to do deep breathing exercises when I feel an attack coming on and also before I go to bed. See if I can get more than 4 hours of sleep a night. I am much more comfortable dealing with the deep breathing. The only thing I worry about is that if i get too relaxed my routine will go to hell. Well apparently you can get to caught up in a routine. It is a form of OCD. If it dictates your life, causes you panic when it gets disrupted, and controls how you interact with others then it is not a routine, it is an illness. I told her all I want to do is get caught up on everything and then I will relax. As many of you know this is what I have been telling myself since Dan died. (it still hurts to type that) And I have added so many things to my list that really I can never get caught up. I have set myself up for failure. This all sounds well and good. I know what I am doing to myself. But I cannot stop it. Not just yet. I still have a few more things I need to get done. The van still has water stains, I have two more loads of laundry left to do, the boys room is a disaster.........but really, when I get those things done then, then I can relax. Right? My mother in law is a wonderful lady. She wants me to get involved in things that will bring me joy. Hobbies and what not. The thought of trying to find time for me to do a hobby made me have to start my deep breathing exercises. I got nauseous. I quickly changed the subject into where we were going to go shopping today and what we needed to get at each store. Back to my carefully pre-planned list. Deep Breath.So yesterday I started my .05 mg of xanax. I take one before bed everynight. I will see my therapist in one week. Wish me luck.

Monday, August 23, 2010

I have started counseling last week at the "um, urging" of my father. which means he got growlie with me.

I had used LDS family services before and was more comfortable going back to them before I tried anyone else.

From my first appt. I can tell you this. I am not a fan. It is going to make me deal with this. See I cannot even say what I am dealing with. I am given homework I am suppose to do. My appointment is tomorrow. I have still not done the homework. Well I did part of it. I read some of the article, but then it got too hard so I stopped reading. My goal is to finish reading and have my homework done before tomorrow. I do know I am struggling. I can see how each day is getting harder and harder for me to keep up my manic pace. I am so, so tired. But if I allow myself to lay in bed I will stay there for hours because I am so overwhelmed.

I read through the first page of this article and saw that I was doing everything on the list of things that I am NOT suppose to do. Oops. I am suppose to stop these habits. I am learning it is much easier said than done. Dang-it!! I cannot slow down. And I am miserable at this pace. Funny, you would just think, "then stop. watch a movie, read a book, veg on the couch." I cannot. My anxiety is off the charts. My fight or flight has gotten out of control. At some point I have to acknowledge my husband is dead and that all the routines in the world are going to make it okay. hmmm, I wonder if I can create a new routine that will help me accept that fact?

well I am really procrastinating doing my homework by writing on my blog. so adios. maybe.....

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The following conversations were overheard from our tent. Initials have been used to protect the privacy of the participants.

The following conversation took place when they were changing into their swim trunks. I am pretty sure that J was banned from all other changing times.

J to F; "You have hair in your armpits."F; "Yup."J to D: "do you have hair in your armpits"D; "Yup."J; "Can I see it?"D; "Nope. I am currently using my hands to cover up other hairy places."J; "Huh. Well look what I can do with my armpits." Too which he proceeded to do armpit farts. And he is really quite good at it.

This conversation took place in the evening when the boys just got back from swimming and were desperate to get into warmer clothes.

D to F; "If you don't turn around and I don't turn around, I think we can get the done with our dignity still intact and not taking our friendship to an uncomfortable next level. Deal?F; " uh, ya!"

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Went camping this week up at Outlet Bay. Same place we have been going to for the past ten years. Ten years of seeing moose, snakes, squirrel, deer and bats. But this year will be always remembered, and this is why........

There is an up side to being paralyzed with fear. It keeps you from doing anything stupid. Such as, running around the tent screaming, "THERE IS A BEAR OUTSIDE MY TENT!!", because it was 2:30 in the morning and most of the children were asleep. In fact I was also blissfully asleep, that is until my mom kept kicking me. By the third time she whispered threateningly, as only a mother can, "wake up. there is a bear outside our tent." I listened for a bit because honestly, this is a woman that can freak out over having a bat in her bedroom. geesh. Sure enough I heard it. That is when the fear kicked in. Then it started to wander closer to my side of the tent. the side that has by two precious girls sleeping. That is when I started to vibrate. No, not just quiver in fear, but a full on, un-controlable vibrate. My mom opened the front flap just to peek. She surmised it was a brown bear. GREAT!! This particular brown bear was asthmatic, at least that is the conclusion I came to from it's heavy breathing that was right by MY HEAD, or it had another sideline of work making obscene phone calls to park rangers. I almost took pity on him and threw out one of Anna's inhalers for him to try, but with the lack of thumbs and all......So after we heard it saunter off, because a bear never has to really be in a hurry to be anywhere. Heck, they could probably saunter their way through Wal-Mart the day after Thanksgiving. We went out to check the damage. Here is a list of food that a bear will and will not eat.

Who knew bears were so picky? Not I. So my mom and I, Daniel and his buddy, Jacob gathered up all the food that was scattered around and threw it in the fire pit. I could not get that fire lit fast enough. When Daniel saw that he had gotten into the dips he declared war against "the bear" and threatened to shove a "black cat" up it's butt next time he sees him. (i highly doubt that) anyways, I am a highly visual person and did not know that a Black Cat was a type of firework. Lemme tell you, my imagination ran with that picture and with either Black Cat it did not bode well for Daniel, the bear, or the poor black cat. Now I know this is all bluffing on Daniel's part because this scared the pee right outta three of the four witnesses. One witness, who shall remain nameless because she is writing this blog, was too scared to even pee. The two boys found the nearest tree and watered it. Why did it have to be the nearest tree?

Now before you panic first let me tell you this was totally our fault. We forgot to put away our cooler. We had been so good of burning all our trash and food scraps every night but that night we just totally flaked out putting the cooler back in the van. Lemme tell you, we so remembered to do that the following night! And will always remember from now on. Secondly, I do have a gun and I have been taught how to load and use it. I did not have said gun with me at the time, but I had the key to the gun safe on my key chain! Yes, it is two hours away. But the bear does not know that. DUH. So I figured if he showed up again I will just have to show him I have the potential to become armed. I am sure he will pick up where I am going with this, grab some more butter and saunter away.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I am fine if it is the day to day stuff like,Did you vacuum the floor?

Does the laundry need to be switched over?

Have you brushed your teeth?

Well you get the idea. But if you ask,

What are you wearing today?

What needs to get done?

Why are you doing that?

Do you want to get together later and do something? Well the answer to that one really is obvious..NO! I really hate to leave my house and kids. The guilt is too much. Then there is the worry of getting out of my simple routine that is keeping me together that sends me in a panic. So the answer to that question is NO.

I do have my list that I keep with me at all times that has things I need go get done for the day. There are things that I should put on the list and deal with, but won't. In fact the thought of making decisions make me sick to my stomach. I have a day today that I have to venture out and buy things. I am so sick right now I really want to just go lay in bed for the day and hope it all goes to plan without me having to be a part of it.

I was not always this way. I was the go to and get it done kind of person. But then I got slammed in the decision making process.

Another x-ray? Yes!

Intubate? Yes!

Cannot find meds. Do we substitute? Yes!

Can we test for AIDS? Yes!

Do we do an ultrasound of his heart? yes.

Do we regulate his temp. because he body no longer can? yes.

Do we add more machines in to do the work because his organs are shutting down? yes.

Do we trash the kidneys and start dialysis? Ummmm

Have you started the application for foodstamps? Ummmmm

Did you finish the application for Emergency Medicaid? Ummmm

Have you contacted SSI? Ummmm.

Do we let him live with a feeding tube and trach? Ummmmm

Is it time to let go? Ummmmm

We need to plan the funeral. What would you like? Ummmmm

Where is the paperwork for the house? Ummmm

Do you have your last three years tax forms? Ummmm

We need you to close your husbands business. Ummmmmm

It is time to clean out stuff. Ummmm

Time to get back to your routine. Ummmmm

So if I could hire someone to just follow me around and answer all the questions that people need to know the answer to I would love it. I will pay you double if you answer all the kids questions too.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The following story was written by Ike at church, as he sat on the pew, next to me.

Curious George and the ALIENS!!! His final encounter.

By Isaac Brown

In the middle of the night and the Rankens' farm Curious George was sleeping over. Then they heard the sound of squishing tentacles on the front yard. (Which of course woke everyone up.) They looked out the window, but they saw nothing. George walked out the door, there was a great flash and he was instantly turned to ashes. Mr Rankins grabbed in chicago typewriter, opened the door and had at it. He looked down at his feet to see none other than.....The Man in the Yellow Hat! Mrs. Rankins spoke up, "Who woulda thought, the Man in the Yellow Hat, a STINKING ALIEN!!"

Monday, August 2, 2010

Just because they seem to have it all together. Right there is red flag #1.

I am burned out and it finally hit me today as I lay in bed not feeling well and the dinner hour approaching that this is it. I am it. There is no one else. I have no back up. No one else to yell," You better listen to your mother!" And I am scared, overwhelmed, and sad. Yep, I am sad. I pull myself off the bed, plaster a smile on my face and go make dinner. We then head to the pool for family swim so I can get an hour of peace and quiet. Other than that they are in my face, on my lap, pulling on me, begging for my constant attention. Can I blame them? No. And I know I have lots of friends and family that would love to swoop in and help, but here is my delima....besides the fact that I don't know how to spell dilemma .....I have to accept that this is the way life is. My children need to learn to listen to me without back up. This is something we need to work through, to find something that will work. I am just at my wits end trying to figure it out. They were terrible today. No one would listen to me. My throat is sore from talking so much, repeating myself over and over only to be ignored!! I am just so frustrated. I hope that tomorrow is a better day or I am just gonna lock them all in their rooms. I got nuthin left.

About Me

Seeing how a lot has happened since I started this blog 3 years ago, I figured I should update my "about me" In 2010 my huband of 15.5 years passed away very suddenly from illness. Just recently I have found myself married again to a wonderful man who loves me and my children for who we are. This is not to say I am not without my heartache, it just means I am no longer alone in it. It is such a blessing to have someone to hold me when I hurt and to rejoice with when I am happy and most of all to be a wonderful example and friend/ father to my children.