Your -1th source for Halo satire.

Main Menu

NEWS: Gabriel Thorne Determines That Ball Is Life

Breaking news has just blown in from the UNSC Infinitage. Gabriel Thorne—leader of Fireteam Majestic, and that one character that’s boring, yet oddly likable—has finally determined that ball is life.

“It was a long struggle,” Thorne told HaloSwallower, “But after shooting enough hoops, and watching enough Shaq O’Neil documentaries, I came to the conclusion that ball is life.”

Ever since the second battle of Requiem, Thorne had began sneaking off the Infinitage‘s basketball court in the middle of the nights. Since then, Thorne has won entire NBA tournaments, and has grown to a galactic champion in the Interspecies Basketball Legion.

“Even in combat,” Thorne continued, “I always daydream about ball. Whenever I take out an enemy, I pretend I’m slamming a Spartan-tier dunk.”

The effects of his new love for basketball goes farther than using the invisible hand to shoot hoops. Ayit ‘Sevi, a Sangheili allied with the Office Of Naval Intelligence, has had serious trouble getting along with Thorne. As for why, Thorne revealed that his dislike towards the Sangheili was because ‘Sevi “Contested how ball is life,” and instead stated that “Weed is life.” This infuriated Thorne, and the two have since constantly bickered during combat, R&R, and even when washing each other in the showers.