Against Cold Pie

Pie. We all love pie, right? Many people are saying they love pie, and you hear it more and more. And you know what’s even better than pie? HOT PIE.

Not only does hot pie sound like the title of an '80s softcore porn film, but it also tastes amazing. You got that warm flaky crust, plus the oozy filling of your choice. And then there’s the ice cream! You put ice cream on your hot pie, and it gets all melty and starts swirling around with the filling…sometimes I mush up the crust and make pie soup because I am 7 years old. Hot pie is delicious. NO ONE DENIES THIS.

So here’s my question: Why do so many places serve pie cold?

It happens all the time. I order my pie and get my hopes up, and then it arrives at the table colder than a dead body. Why? I always forget that restaurants and diners do this, because they never ask me, “Hey, do you want your pie hot?” Because the answer to that question would always be HELL FUCKING YEAH. I guess that would require them to pop open the oven and spend a whole two minutes ensuring that my pie is all warm and nice. Instead, they just head to the cooler and dump a slice of cold apple pie on my plate and have the gall to charge me six bucks for it.

Cold pie is not optimum pie. The crust gets ashy. The filling gets gluey. Even room-temperature pie does not maximize the full potential of pie. I’ve eaten plenty of cold pie in my time, and at no point have I ever thought to myself, “Boy, that cold pie was terrific.” I understand why certain pies like banana cream can’t be heated, because they are made from pudding-like substances. But virtually every pie that CAN be heated is better off for it: cherry pie, apple pie, blueberry pie, Derby pie, mud pie, strawberry-rhubarb pie, even pecan pie. Pecan pie is fine at room temperature, sure. But why not heat that shit up so the corn syrup garbage in the middle turns boiling-oil hot and sears off my soft palate at first contact? That is the BEST.

Maybe you’re some Professional Southerner and you’re like, “Listen to this YANKEE go on about hot pie. ’Round here we like our pie cold because we’re snotty dipshits and we always act like our way of life is superior Y’ALL.” To that I say: Eat shit. And eat it cold. Here’s the reason some people serve pie cold: because they’re lazy. That’s it. They’re lazy and would rather eat substandard pie than take the smallest possible step to improve it fivefold. It’s a laziness that morphed into tradition and then hardened into end-stage provincialism. As someone who comes from nowhere, I can look at these pie takes with fresh eyes and an objective set of taste buds. Hot pie is better, and it should always be the standard. I have staked out many puny hills to die on here on this Internet, and here is another. HEAT UP MY FUCKING PIE.

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