By Chris Volkay
Political Columnist Mr. Volkay is an iconoclast, skeptic and libertarian, jerk, and I'd like to say secular humanist (but how can I? Humanism denotes some sort of belief in humanity and I have less...

Chris Volkay
Political Columnist Mr. Volkay is an iconoclast, skeptic and libertarian, jerk, and I'd like to say secular humanist...

10 Liberals who would look better fed thru a wood-chipper.
Published on July 25, 2013

Some psychiatrists actually consider liberalism a form mental illness, and why not? Libs are like 5 and 6 year-olds that are having a play tea party. Everything must be as they say, done their way, or they stomp off, blubbering. Alas, 6 year-olds can be forgiven, but what to say about the libs? Perpetual children, narcissists, insisting the laws of nature, man, the universe and sanity itself be transmuted so that their little tea party is a feel-good hit. You see, it's really all about them and nothing more. In a world where god took it in the head like Kennedy, it is the new religion. Now, this is the place where you can find your meaning, your purpose, the chance to feel good about yourself, salvation itself. You see, it's all about belief, not facts. Utopia, not reality. Slogans, not science. In another time and age these people may have been judged so detached from reality that they would have been confined to some type of locked institution, for society's and their own good. Today, they get elected to high office and become stars in this bubbling cesspool known as our "culture."

But I am not a cruel man. Any of the libs listed below that should actually face said chipper should be allowed at least 2, possibly even 3 aspirin to mitigate any of the device's more unpleasant aspects.

1. Bonobo Hewson

There is something known as a Bono Hewson, he sings songs for a quartet known as U2. Hewson has been the subject of a worldwide grassroots campaign to have him nominated for the very prestigious Nobel Peace Prize. Yesterday, he formally turned down the offer from the Nobel committee.

It seems Bono feels he deserves more, and why wouldn't he? He is a celebrity after all and as such, he is entitled to more as we all know. And I, for one, believe that he should get everything that is coming to him.

Very private and secretive about his philanthropic activities, he summoned just a few reporters to his estate to explain his position. At last count, 1,267 reporters from 112 nations from all over the world were there. 17 news stations carried it live in their home countries. A dozen helicopters and two UFO's from Alpha Centauri circled his estate. He made his statements backed up by his band and a 25 woman chorus line from the Rockettes. This was all his shyness and sense of propriety would permit.

"I no longer seek the Nobel prize for my great, unselfish works of tremendous significance and all-around wonderful liberalness. I believe that God, yes that's right, God himself should replace Jesus with me so the people would have somebody that's new, hip, happening. I mean after all, the old boy's 2,000 years old now, let the bastard sleep, he's earned it. God, I'm ready anytime you are."

Then Mr. Hewson took a very large swig of beer and joined in the middle of the chorus line as he and the Rockettes all kicked their legs in unison to the tune, "We are the world." Nearby, stone statues began to shed tears. Cold hearted, mean corporate business men all fell to their knees and begged him for forgiveness. He said he'd think about it.

Mr. Hewson then broke into one of his sensitive and caring songs about the downtrodden and all the things that are wrong with this terrible, icky world. Now all the reporters and camera people were weeping. He then walked over to the airstrip on his property and flew off in his solid "Silver and Gold" Lear Jet. Yes, it was real gold and real silver, the plane barely got off the ground. But it was touching when he blew us all a kiss out of the port side window. One of the Rockettes was with him, apparently they were comparing notes on how to save humanity, or something like that.

Instead of the Nobel, I'd like to nominate him for the quite prestigious Big Tearful Ultra-caring Righteous Do-gooder award, or, as it is more commonly known by it's acronym, The Big T.U.R.D. award.

Bono has been preaching about giving money to Africa and forgiving their debt. When a group of like-minded activists proposed giving everybody in Africa a fishing pole and instructions on how to use it, Bono with his innate intelligence, quite naturally objected, instead saying that we should give everybody a really big Van De Kamp's frozen fish fillet dinner.

2. Barbra Strident
Nothing in particular here, it's just that when writing about childish, narcissists her name always comes to mind.

3. Paul McCantsee
Poor old Paul, a few years ago there he was bowing and scraping, down on the floor on his hands and knees like a freakin' dog woofing and wagging his tail when he performed for the President and his wife, Michelle. Of course, then Paul went into the whole spiel with the "Michelle" thing and you really had to find the remote to change the channel quickly or just like freakin' hurl right there, like okay?

Note to Paul, get up off your hands and knees, act like a man for Christsakes. Or, as Lennon used to say, "McCartney? He's a c*nt."

4. Bill M.R.
Billy, Billy boy, how can you be such a piece of crap? And I'm a fellow atheist. Mr. M.R.'s problem is that he, like 95% of my beloved fellow atheists rightly reject religion, but then, stupidly adopt the other big notion that springs from religion, egalitarianism, because if god created us all, then we all have to be equal, right? And so this other religious notion now underpins his philosophy, and millions of others (modern day liberalism) just as it did Lennon's in an earlier time (Imagine.) With billions upon billions of dollars and hours wasted trying to re-invent people and reality. Mr. Bill M.R., the non-religious, religious zealot.

George Clooney

George Timothy Clooney (born May 6, 1961) is an American actor, film director, producer, and screenwriter. For his work as an actor, he has received three Golden Globe Awards and an Academy Award. Clooney is also noted for his political activism, and has served as one of the United Nations Messengers of Peace since January 31, 2008. |

5. George Looney
Gorgeous George I have a suggestion for you. Sit back in your luxurious, sweet-smelling Beverly Hills mansion, stare at yourself in the mirror and have one of your true loves, who love you only for yourself, not the money and fame, service you while you continue gazing into the mirror.

Perhaps this will remove you from the public arena and this would be a consummation devoutly, well'you get it. I have listened to you, and you are simply a stupid person. Every single thought is just the implanted talking points you have absorbed from your intellectual superiors. Please spare us their regurgitation, just find that mirror and a nearby servicer.

6. Joa-not-so-keen Phoenix
Joaquin gave us a rare glimpse into the alleged mind of the Hollywood actor. His stunt, the so-called "freak-out" was an exercise in pure narcissism, ego-mania and a few other things that I don't think I can spell. At the end, he thought he would be hailed as super-cool, and be awarded the Nobel prize for sheer hipness and be crowned king of the cool, aloof, self-important humanoids that are full of nothing, but full of pride. Note to Joaq baby, great idea, but as they say, you just pulled out to soon. Try it again, this time for about 10 years and that crown will be resting squarely upon your head, and you will deserve it.

7. Orca Winfrey
The queen of mediocrity, silliness, pop-psychology, and good old-fashioned dumbness. Caring and sharing all over each other, joining hands and singing Kumbaya. Sort of like a dumbed-down version of Barney the Dinosaur.

madonna

Madonna is a pop-sensation who has sold over 300 million records worldwide. Born on August 16, 1958 as Madonna Louise Ciccone, she's not only a singer but a songwriter, actress, dancer and entrepreneur as well. |

8. Macaca Ciccone
Madonna recently was running around comparing everybody she didn't like to Hitler and the Nazi party.

Well, we do appreciate her efforts, and she will now instruct us on how the world should work and how we should behave, according to well, her. How did she garner this vast amount of knowledge you may rightly ask? Simple, by having a string of disco-ey pop hits, and not being able to act any better than a piece of wood. We do thank you for your tuition.

9. Cringelina (Bradkins + Angie cakes.)
This golden couple is going around adopting large portions of the 3rd world, in order to show us how to live, all religious figures do, but more importantly, just like Bonobo (See Above) have gone on an alcoholic type binge of drinking in all of the praise and adoration and the glory of being worshiped by the little people. Wow-Wee. Such selflessness, such giving. Again, I say very pointedly, Wow-Wee.

10. TV's Dr. Swill
Orca's Frankenstein monster. I believe that one day the news will come out that the beloved Dr. Swill is really an escaped mental patient from a maximum security institution somewhere that made it out by burying himself deep down in the dirty laundry and holding his breath till he cleared the front gate and the guards. What other explanation could there possibly be? No, really'

Of course the conservatives are just as bad, with their own set of feverish DT's, but somehow it's always more fun to rip the liberals. Or as Matt Stone of South Park so beautifully put it, "yeah, I hate the conservatives, but I really hate the liberals."

Bono Barb Brad-Barf: Details

"Bono Barb Brad-Barf" was first released on 7.25.2013 and last updated on 10.17.2018 6:53 AM EDT.
Chris Volkay submitted this feature to AND Magazine.
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