My girlfriend and I broke up! I was finally proactive and did what was right for me! Hell, for both of us. We broke up last week sometime and we just talked a bit on why it happened. She wanted some closure, I guess, and I figured I might as well.

But I’m single again!

Am I afraid of sinking back into where I was a few years ago? Yeah, but I have a new perspective on everything. Well, mostly everything. But here’s the one thing that I’m beginning to ponder on, in a good way of course.

Who am I? Who is Zachary “Zak” Salant?

Like, if someone asked me to describe myself, I couldn’t do it. I could list everything I’m interested in and the things I like doing, but could I described myself? Superficially, yeah. But could I go deeper? Not without difficulty.

Like, I know who I am. I’m Zak.

But to be honest, I feel like that’s the only way to describe me. I’m interested in so much, from the sciences to the arts to history to literature. But also in sports, current events, and so much more topics that everyone else is into too.

But the question I’ve been asking myself these past couple of hours: If someone asked you to describe yourself, how would you do it?

The answer: I don’t know; there’s too much to describe.

It’s a good philosophical question, I believe, that I am asking myself. One that will help me improve on myself in one way or another.

But yeah, that’s it. A positive post for once? And expect more posts in the upcoming future as long as my final 2 semesters don’t kick my ass!

It’s been what, over a year or so since I’ve last written something? And usually when I did I had a problem or two to write about?

Well, here I am again…

I’ve had this girlfriend (two years younger than me) of about eight months or so. I wanted this chick so bad, I wanted just to be with her. She had some kind of hypnotic effect on me, the connection I felt with her was so strong, it felt like you could cut it with a knife. But here’s the ridiculous part: she was the LAST person who wanted to be in a relationship. She hates people and had the HUGEST emotional wall up; it was like scaling Mt. Everest with just an ice pick. Ridiculous, right? Well after months of waiting and her FINALLY admitting she had feelings for me, we started going out.

So it’s eight months later, and after finally getting the girl who I wanted so bad, things should be going smoothly, right?

Well, the relationship hasn’t been perfect. But before I go on, I just want you (all?) to understand that the moment I type this out and hit send, these problems become more real. I have the irrational mindset that if I don’t say the problems out loud, it’s all just in my head and cannot be feasible. I say more real because I was talking to my older brother about this the other night, so I guess my theory is out the window.

So problem one, and two technically because they go around the same time frame: For the first couple months of our relationship, that Mt. Everest size wall was still up, but I had made it up about half way with that ice pick. At times she couldn’t have been more cold-hearted. It was ridiculous. Here I cared for this girl so much, all of our friends saw it, and she was just plain cold. Yeah, she had some problems in high school (best friend not feeling the way she does, not having many friends, etc, etc), but still, a little care would’ve been nice.

But then, the wall broke down. I finally got to see the real her; she said she loved me. It was great. But now I’m going to interrupt the story line with a very big subplot. One that I think changes everything for me.

About a month or so ago I get an overemotional voice-mail from her (yes, she can over-emotional, along with a few other things, more on that later) saying that she fucked up with something. She was in tears, and I figured it was just her apologizing for something she had no need to apologize for. Well I get home, and we chat. Turns out she kissed a friend of hers about a month or so into the relationship…

The one rule I made myself was to end it with a cheater, but I didn’t. This kiss meant “nothing” and she’s felt horrible since. She hasn’t talked to the guy since, and she never will if I have anything to do about it. How could she? That once cold hearted bitch had no regards for my feelings and kisses another guy. It’s funny too, because the day it happened the guy took her phone and texted me some stupid shit. Had I known… that guy may not have had the face to kiss her after I got there.

It’s complete bullshit. If memory serves me correctly, the wall started to come down AFTER the kiss. From my perspective, it was probably out of guilt. I went off on her so many times. I yelled, screamed, cursed her out so many times. I should have broken up with her, but I didn’t.

I felt bad. She’s so much different than she was then. She really, REALLY loves me. She can get so overemotional about it, so over dramatic at times. Honestly, it’s getting annoying to a point.

For example: I warned her that this summer was going to be different than these past two semesters. I had an internship which required ALL of my summer break, so there would hardly be anytime for me to see her since she lived about 1 hour away. PLUS I had to get a weekend job since the internship was unpaid.

We were both upset at it this past May. It’s understandable. But she’s still in tears about it, and we only have three weeks left until the semester… Like, come on now. Get real here. I get that you were spoiled since I was only 5 floors away at the dorms, and now we’re about 1 hour apart, but there’s only a few weeks left.

And then, oh, and get this, she goes to insinuate that I don’t care about the relationship; how I never want to do anything. 1. you kissed another guy, shut the fuck up. 2. I warned you what this summer was going to be. this is important to my career with only 1 year of school left. I’m not going to suggest we do things if I know we cannot do them. We only have a few weeks left before everything is back to normal, so calm the fuck down…

And I flat out told her why I was afraid to end it with her. I was afraid that she was going to off herself if we did. She can just get so over emotional and over dramatic, she made me think that. She FINALLY took a step back and realized what she was doing…

I don’t know with this chick, I really don’t. Sometimes I want to end it, sometimes I don’t. I know there’s absolutely NO future with her post-college (for me, at least). She wants to go into the services, and have no kids and definitely not marriage. Now I get that I’m young (20) and shouldn’t be thinking about it at all. And I’m not, but the fact that there definitely isn’t, it lessens the incentive to stay with her longer.

I don’t know. We just hung out today and everything was fun, as if all of my problems with her went away. I don’t know what to do. I’m probably going to give it a month or so into the semester and go from there.

But until next time…

OH, and I might have a crush on someone I knew for a couple of months. Know nothing is going to happen, but still, she’s in my head somewhere…

As you can see, it’s been a while since the last time I’ve written. I’ve just been busy with projects, studying, finals, etc, etc. But now I have an opportunity to write again!

I’ll start off with tonight. Some good and some bad. The bad, the Boston Celtics are out of the playoffs :(. We were so close to tying the game up after being down by a lot of points, I think more than 20. But in the end, our injuries had gotten the best of us, and the Knicks won…

And now the good news of the day! So I don’t remember if I had mentioned before my fear of what would happen between my best friend and I once the band ended. If I haven’t, and to make a longish story short, I am, or was, afraid that without the band, him and I wouldn’t hang out as much and be as close as we are now, and were a few years before the band started. But that all went out the window before I went to the gym.

I got text from him asking if I wanted to go see Iron Man 3 with him. As stupid as that sounds, I felt excited and relieved that he wants to hang out still. We used to go see superhero movies when we were younger, which made this all the better.

We talked for a bit and then I hit the gym. I’m glad my best friend still wants to hang out, band-mates or not.

And now the NFL draft! It was a good one for the Patriots. We traded down out of the first round, getting four draft picks out of it, and we selected some pretty good players, two of which I really wanted NE to draft!

Ugh, I don’t know, I’m not in the writing mood right now, and I apologize to any readers I have. It’ll be sporadic and short at times, meaningful and long at others.

I’m sorry, I’ll write again when I can put together something meaningful

I felt like writing tonight, but I don’t know about what. So I’m just going to start off with something random and hopefully it branches off into something…

I can’t find any music to listen to when I workout anymore… Like, I’ll just be going through a playlist I have of songs that I’d normally workout to, and nothing seems to work once I get to a certain part of my workout. Then I’ll go through my whole library, and nothing again.

I know that this is stupid to write about, but I got nothing else for you guys! I don’t know why my thoughts are running dry though. Nothing depressing or angering has come up really.

BUT the NFL Draft is tomorrow. So if any of you can’t stand football or don’t want to see me go on and on about football, here is where you leave.

Alright, where to start. How about with my team! The New England Patriots!

They pick at #29 in the first round, and boy, they COULD have a plethora of options if they decided to use the 29th pick. Why do I say if they decide? Well for one reason: the lack of draft picks. Bill Belichick (Head Coach/General Manager) only has five draft picks this season due to some trades from the previous seasons. And with no need to really go into those trades, most of them didn’t turn out well.

NE has a pick in round one, two, three, and two in the seventh round. Now knowing some tendencies of BB, I can say that he won’t be happy with just five picks in the draft. I think one scenario that could play out if that NE trades it’s first round pick for another second and third round pick.

And while that’s likely, I think there are too many quality players available at the end of the first round to pass up. One such player could be Desmond Trufant, CB out of Washington. The third Trufant brother to enter the NFL, and probably the best over time. NFL.com says that, ” Legacy pick with NFL size and athleticism. Very good short-area foot quickness, mirrors receivers on the outside on double moves up the sideline or quick out routes. Capable of playing either outside or in the slot. Has speed to run with better receivers. Plays a lot of press-bail but has length and tenacity in coverage. Regularly rips off and out-quicks receiver blocks to get into position to make plays. Competes for the ball in the air and wont back down from physical challenges from receivers.”

Now he has his weaknesses, don’t get me wrong. But once developed, he’ll be a great replacement if Aqib Talib leaves to get a better deal at the end of this NFL season.

Dammit, I just got bored talking about football… See, I am in some sort of funk!

Just to wrap up the football, they could take DE Datone Jones to line up across Chandler Jones. That would make a scary front seven, something NE hasn’t had in a while. Hell, since our Superbowl runs from 2001-2004.

Another CB could be Xavier Rhodes. I’d be amazingly surprised is he falls all the way to 29, but NFL mock draft expert Mike Mayock somehow sees it that way. An amazing corner, the best or second best in this class. I think the Dolphins take him at 12, but we’ll see.

And then there is a need at WR. A couple. players come to mind in the first round. Da’Rick Rodgers from Clemson and Terrence Williams from Baylor. Nice deep threat receivers that New England hasn’t had in a while.

And yeah, that’s all I feel like writing about football. I’ll definitely be talking about it more once the draft is over and all the picks have been made. So expect that Saturday night or sometime on Sunday… And yeah, I’m tired and really don’t feel like writing anymore. So again, Saturday or Sunday night…

But until then…

P.S. If I hadn’t said it before, I apologize for that randomness and the lack of quality of this post, readers. Just in some sort of weird funk…

Wow, it’s only be a few days since I last wrote, and yet it’s seemed like an eternity…

Not literally, but you get what I mean! And if any of you clicked the link and watched my band’s pretty good performance, Thank you! And I guess since I brought my band up, we’ll start with that…

So my eventful Saturday began around 2pm, which was the beginning of band practice of course. We ran most of the songs in the set, kind of worked on the new one, hung out for a bit, and Jeff and James left to get their shit for later. I stuck around, like I always do, and Perry and I piled our shit in my car, got Mr. Softee and left around 6.

Now I must mentioned, Mr. Softee is one of the greatest Ice Cream trucks around, don’t let anyone tell you other wise. And I swear to God, Perry has Softee senses. We were in his kitchen, all the way at the back of the house, about to make some sandwiches before we left, and Perry pauses. He and I go outside, and look whose their, Mr. Fucking Softee. We ran like 3 year olds, I kid you not, and got some Mr. Fucking Softee. Boy do I love that kid.

NOTE: I will be using the metaphor “eating sandwiches” from now on as a metaphor for… well, if you watch How I Met Your Mother, you’ll get it. If not, remember that Satuday was 4/20…

So we begin the 40+ minute drive after 6, and boy what a drive it was. Perry, of course, began on the sandwich a little more than halfway there. We got lost after we get off the exit. Trust me, full or not, it was a bit confusing the way we took. We pulled over a few times, and of course, he continued on the sandwich every time, even though he was supposed to give me instructions…

We eventually get there, park, and he and I take a few bites of the sandwich before we go in and start unloading. He, of course, is a lot more full than I am at the time, and it definitely showed during the show…

We were the second band up at this “show.” I put show in quotes because, and we should have expected this, it wasn’t packed as advertised… A good 20-30 people showed, if that. But as Perry’s dad always says, and I’m paraphrasing, “Doesn’t matter if there’s 10 people or 10,000 people, play like you’re playing MSG every time.” So we did, or at least 3 of us did… Perry…

And of course he threw in Robin Banks before our last song… Like that was the place to mentioned Alt. Rock… I let it slide though, b/c he was stoned, and the scene is dead, but more on that later.

But we played, and OH, before we went on, the chick singer of the activist death metal band came up to me and said, “Sorry that I yelled at you before. My adrenaline is always pumping after a show.”

“What?” I asked, partially full, but not full enough to be out of it.

“Weren’t you by the merch table? And I yelled at you?” she asked

“Uhmmm,” I replied, “I don’t think so…”

And yeah, either she yelled at someone else, or I just didn’t hear it.

Anyways, we played our 30 minute set, and played it well for the most part. And as we were packing our shit up, we went to the tiny parking lot in back and there was a car boxed in. Can you guess whose?

Right, mine… And rumor had it, it was done on purpose to keep people here, not knowing that it was mine to begin with. There was a dumpster in front of me, a white sedan behind me, and a black SUV to the right of mine. And all of the parking spots were filled, hence the parking arrangement.

So the plan was Jeff, James, their girlfriends and Natalie would leave for Perry’s, while Perry and I stayed until at least the band who got us the show played. This plan, of course, came after 15-20 of arguing and a couple bites of the sandwich. Only Perry, Natalie, and I had bites at that time. Jeff is a healthy guy and James wasn’t hungry for a while.

So the next band went on. They were some kind of rock band, and a pretty good one. Didn’t really fit in with the bands, but Perry and I enjoyed them, and we talked to the singer for a bit too. Then the band that booked us went on. They kicked ass, and then we left with just the one band having to go on.

Now the black SUV had parked in the spot James’ car was in, so all I had to do was maneuver out between the sedan and dumpster. So Perry’s goal was to guide me out. And, of course, again, he’s taking some more bites… I get out, we don’t get lost, and we drive back to his home.

Now during the car ride, I brought up how if we’re in this “scene” in 5-6 years and not going anywhere, we should just stop. Now do not get me wrong AT ALL, I fucking love music and it’s changed me into who I am today. I couldn’t be more proud and thankful for that. But there comes a point where it’s like, where are we going? You know? And Perry brought up laying low for a while, and I said that since Jeff is going to Buffalo, there’s our chance.

And to be honest, I’m finally ok with it.

The root of my sadness is that I don’t want to lose my connection with Perry again, you know? Before the band, we kind of lost touch for a bit, but the band brought us back together, and closer than ever. So I told him, if you need a fill in bassist for Robin Banks, I’d be more than happy to fill in. And he said it meant a lot to him, and I’m glad it did.

So we get back to Perry’s, take a few more bites in my car, and head into his basement. And of course, the rest of the group was already there, eating food Perry’s mom made. And to make a long story short, Perry, James, Natalie, and I ate a lot of the sandwhich, and the night was just good.

Now onto the title, which will tie back into Saturday.

But let me just get this out of the way: My dad has minor prostate cancer. We were driving home from the train station Thursday night and he flat out told me. Luckily they caught it early and he’s going to begin Inner Radiation Therapy. From what I understood, they stick some kind of radiation into him and it’ll get rid of the cancer eventually. Of course, he could also gain spider-like abilities. Kidding, but still, imagine?

It’s scary though. I know it’s minor and easily treatable, but still, it’s cancer. I’m suppose to keep quiet about this until my dad tells my sister, but come on, I’ve been spilling everything here. And not saying that this is some sort of karmic payback, but do you think it could be? But I would never wish cancer upon anyone, especially my own fucking father. I’m praying, and hopefully you will too, for a speedy and non-complicated recovery.

Friday: The day was uneventful until dinner. My mom, sister, her friend, and myself went out to a Chinese buffet, a food that is beginning to grow on me. I told them what happened with the chick and here’s where the “Volume 2″ part comes in.

After I told them what happened, my mom then goes to bring up how she has a doctor friend. He, I think he, has 4 daughters, and they go to an all girls school (I know, all girls school ;) ). The eldest one, a senior, needs to “rent-a-guy” for prom.

“Are you trying to pimp me out, mother?” I then ask.

Silence….

“I’m a prostitute,” I said, “And you’re my pimp, mom.”

Before I tie it into the title, let me say that I hadn’t agreed nor disagreed to it. I haven’t seen the chick and think about it: she doesn’t have ONE guy friend, regardless of an all girls school? But hey, crazier things have happened.

Ok, title time! So it’s Saturday, I’m full, and i mentioned this to the group. And my second memoir title, or second volume title arises, “My Mother is Trying to Pimp Me Out: Another Collection of Stories”

And because it’s late and this is a lot to read, I’ll just give you 3 and 4.

Three: It arose from us trying to find chicks for Perry to, well, have relations with. And they asked, I’m/they aren’t racist, “Would Perry date an Asian?” I replied, “She would make him feel dumb!”

Four: Now, I was pretty full at the time, but I think it had to do with bubbles. James’ girlfriend had a pen that had bubbles in it, and as I was trying to pull off the cap, the bubble blower didn’t come out. And after some hassle, this title arose:

Volume Four: I Never Get To Blow Bubbles.

And that’s that!

Sunday night was great. The final night of the Metal Alliance tour was just fucking kick ass. Too good for words to describe. Monday was alright, my sleep deprivation finally caught up with me from 2:50-7:00PM today. I felt physically, mentally, and emotionally drained.

And now that is it. When something else comes up, you all know I’ll be writing about it!

So today was a great day. I felt great coming out of my physics midterm. Which is a first, a very scary first. Not saying I did well, but I felt confident in what I did. Again, that’s a major first.

But that’s not why I’m writing. By this point you should know that I never blog to talk about the good stuff. It’s nothing horrible, thankfully. Everything has really settled back into place.But I had a small moment of panic after my first class.

I was hanging with some friends on the first floor of my school. Just to describe the scene, in the middle of the first floor there are a bunch of tables, and all of the classes are towards the ends of the first floor. Anyways, I was dropping my stuff up to go buy some fruit to eat, when across the room, there she was…

It’s the chick… And she’s talking to the friend the text was meant for… Sure, it was probably about the physics exam, but still. She was there, I was what was “here” at the time. PANIC or DEFCON 4, if you will. A friend of mine noticed I was a bit out of it at that moment. I didn’t really realize it until I left for the second floor to get some food.

Don’t know why I felt the immense panic, but I did. It was weird. And when I came back she was gone, thankfully. And yet, I had to text her an hour or so after to find out what was on the exam, but that was it. No real conversation afterwards. So I’m keeping my distance so I don’t get “used” again.

I put used in quotes before because it was hard to how I was being used by her. But I see it, or at least get it, for the most part.

But whatever. Great day, and I’l be doing nothing but watching TV and working out for the rest of the night. I got a post-lab write up to do, but i’ll do that when I’m home on Friday.

And of course, once I get the website for my band, you all will certainly know. Which I guess is me writing about something good, so disregard that statement mentioning me not doing so.