STAR TREK 2009: Still odorous after all these months

With the release of STAR TREK 2009 on video this week, I have been asked to rerun my controversial review of the theatrical release from last May.

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I can’t believe it!

I just walked out of the theater in a complete daze after seeing the big-budget, off the rails “reboot” of one of my favorite TV Series of all time.

Inasmuch as I went to college in a little burg in South Jersey, the only TV channels available were the local PBS affiliate and WTBM out of Barnegat Bay. I never contributed to the PBS outlet during those annoying pledge drives so it just didn’t feel right to watch their programming. That left me with WTBM. Reception was a tenuous affair at best, but when I had the rabbit ears and tin foil in rare harmonic convergence, I was able to enjoy the fare offered by that fine TV station.

This was the early 1970s and, apparently, the only show that WTBM owned the syndication rights to was STAR TREK, the original TV series. Needless to say, they made the most of those 79 episodes. STAR TREK was on three times a day, 7 days a week. It goes without saying that with all that time on my hands (when I should have been studying); I quickly became an expert in STAR TREK arcana.

This is why I was so disturbed by the outright effrontery shown to us Trekkies (not “Trekkers”) by the ridiculous concoction brewed up by J.J. Abrams and company. In trying to pawn itself off as “a ‘new look’ at some old friends,” this film misses the mark by light years.

In my opinion, a film lives and dies by its screenplay. I make no apologies for this opinion. The screenplay is the heart of the film and its breath of life.

As far as I’m concerned, it’s time to get the shovel for this corpse.

I am surprised that given the thought and care that went into the sets, cinematography and staging, the same dedication was not given to research. Goodness knows, that there certainly is enough written about this series as well as the original episodes (all available on DVD) to provide information on even the smallest of historical details.

Given all that, how was it that so many mistakes were made in the simple mythology of this universe? How could they have gotten it so wrong? Wasn’t anyone doing any simple fact checking?

Watch out! Here come the “Spoilers”!

For instance:

1. James T. Kirk was born in Iowa on March 22, 2233, not in space as shown at the start of the movie.

2. In this film, Kirk’s father dies at the same time his son is being born. Everyone knows that his father was present when Jim was given command of his first interplanetary craft.

3. In reality, Kirk moved up in rank gradually until he achieved the position of Starship Captain. The movie shows him veritably catapulting into the Captain’s chair.

4. What’s the deal with the Spock/Uhura romance? When did Spock ever give the Lieutenant a second look? Give me a break!

5. Speaking about Spock, how did we end up with two of them?

Come on, guys. Stick with either the young Spock or the old one (It’s your choice. I don’t care) and let the other one slide.

6. The planet Vulcan is destroyed! Who was smoking what when that little bit of storyline detail was added?

7. Ditto Spock’s mother’s death. Jane Wyatt was always there in the good old days when her son’s human side needed her.

Captain Pike: “Old School”

8. Captain Pike looks all handsome and hot in his wheelchair at the Starfleet ceremony where Kirk is given command of the USS Enterprise. The original history has him suffering radiation burns to his face that turn him into a hideous creature in a wheelchair that can only live a normal life if his mind is altered to create the illusion that he is unharmed.

Well, at least they kept the wheelchair.

9. Kirk is not wearing a girdle. I thought that was standard issue for Starship Captains.

10. The Prime Directive was violated…wait a minute…that happened a lot on the old TV show too.

I suppose I could go on and on, but the effort is so demoralizing it threatens my very sanity.

Suffice it to say, this is not the Star Trek universe that I grew up with. My universe had three dimensional chess games, Romulan Ale and that darn “fight theme” that played behind every battle. You know, the one that you can’t get out of your head once you hear it…di, di, deh, deh, deh, deh, deh, di, di, di daah….

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I guess my only option is to build a time machine to take me back to 1966 and the Star Trek that I know and love.

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For information on Jessica Atwater, the original Movielady and my mentor, and to read some of her classic film reviews :www.movielady.com