Tara Palmer-Tomkinson - My Fake Diary

8.00 Well I can't believe it. It's the end of the Chinese Olympics today. Can't understand why anyone would want to watch Chinese athletes running around for two weeks. We have plenty of our own athletes here at home

8.15 Have finished worrying about the Olympics and started concentrating on what I should wear for tonight's party near Buckingham Palace. It's some celebration after the Chines Games because it appears we are going to hold some games of your own just before quarter past eight. I do wish they wouldn't use that 24 hour clock - 20.12 is so hard to get on with, don't you know.

9.30 Met Dave Dull and Vanessa Van DypStyk at the "Krapp Bar" in Soho for breakfast. They really are my bestest friends. We discussed deep things such as burials, treasure and deepest of the lot, the ocean floor. They are so, so intelligent, don't you know. Vanessa knows so really, really much about nothing.

11.00 Left Krapp Bar to go and buy my outfit for tonight. Daddy says I really mustn't spend more than six grand on my outfit, and I agree. However, just in case my bestest friends Juliette Spreddlegges and Billy Muffe-Dyver are there, and they do really spend money, I have to keep up with the Jones's , even though they have different names.

1.00 Arrived at Hendon Scout Campground as guest of honour for their annual car boot sale. I was very flattered by this young Scout who plainly had a crush on me, and obviously he, like many lads, wanted me, because I am, when all said and done, very beautiful and the apple of any 16 year-old boy's eye. But I did get a bit confused when I found out that a sheepshank is a knot, and a woggle is something for a scarf.So instead, I met up with my bestest friend Cuthbert Loine-de-Bakon, and we went round the back of the campground and loitered within tent.

2.00 Got home with my outfit for tonight and decided to rest up on the couch and watch television to see if there were any programme re-runs with me in them. Sadly, the TV companies have become wise to me and I don't get a lot of work from them. I find this strange, because I am such a professional, I really am.

4.00 Putting the diary down for the moment and heading off to the concert thing…………..

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