Mobile phone technology set to revolutionise things we already do quite easily

New apps for smartphones are set to revolutionise the way humans interact with stuff, with many analysts using the brand new ‘thumbs-up’ app to give a massive thumbs up to the new technology.

One of the biggest launches at this year’s Mobile World Congress in Barcelona is the I-open; an app which allows you to open your front door by just twisting your phone as if it was a door handle. ‘This is breakthrough technology’, said marketing manager Chris Davies, ‘the phone’s action even works with a gloved hand which is a big advantage when compared to the friction deficit presented by traditional door handles if used with gloves, mittens and greasy hands from chip-eating. This feature alone should make it a must buy for anyone who opens doors, whether professionally or just as part of their life-skills set.’

Also set to be a big seller this year is the must have ‘comb app’ which uses directed static electricity to move hair into desired position by simply moving your phone back and forth across the head. Other apps on show include the ‘stinger’ which automatically counts wasp density in pub gardens allowing users to select indoor or outdoor dining, the ‘gap’ app which measures and directs you through doors accurately to minimise collision, and the ‘Wideload’ app which warns you with a humorous ‘fat alert’ if an obese person is nearby, so preventing ‘pavement interfacing’ or accidental inhalation of sweat molecules.

The app which is causing the biggest sensation at this year’s show bristles with multimodal capability and radical user function. Put simply, the ‘put your phone away and get on with your life’ app, when asked to perform any simple task, calculates whether whatever you’re doing could be done more quickly and easily by the phone owner without any help and, if so, switches the phone off, saving valuable battery power and ultimately the planet’s diminishing resources. Chris Davies however was dismissive and thinks this is a niche seller likely only to appeal to what he calls ‘econuts and retrofreaks’.

‘What’s the point of technology if it can’t do something useful?’ he asked via his mobile laser display board.