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15 September 2010

Put The Message In The Box, Put The Box Into The Car, Drive The Car Around The World Until You Get The Notes From The News

So yeah, today was another ripe slice, and I have a bajillion brazillion things left to do, so I'm stealing a moment to bring you today's newsnotes. As above, so below:

After being rejected in her initial attempt to land a spot on American Idol because she was, let's face it, a demanding twat with an over-inflated sense of her own importance, Jennifer Lopez has now, finally inked a to be a host on the upcoming season of the show. For $12 million. This officially makes her one of the most overpaid people on the planet. The upside is, this new gig will keep her from making any more shitty romantic comedies for a while.

Josh Brolin insists he has never cheated on Diane Lane, and I believe him, because seriously man, have you fucking seen Diane Lane? Daaaaaaaaaammmmmnnnnnnn.

Former 90210 pretty boy Brian Austin Green talks about his marriage to Megan Fox, his reluctance to leave the house after his TV show went off the air and his ill-advised rap album sank, and his role on the new season of Desperate Housewives. He actually comes off as pretty realistic and self-effacing, so maybe there's hope for my generation yet.

Terry Jones (the good Monty Python one, not the douchebag Florida holy book arsonist one) is directingthe Daily Show's John Oliver in Absolutely Anything, a nutball comedy. Jones is also trying to get his fellow Pythons to join the cast, leading me to suspect that this film will be so silly even the Colonel can't stop it.

The AV Club's headline says it all: "George Michael sentenced to eight weeks in prison for being George Michael." I can't improve on that, and I'm not even going to try.

All the pretty things are going to hell, dept.: Tim Gunn (whoever the frig he is) says Taylor Momsen The Wonder Raccoon is a Blackberry-addicted little shithead who can't be bothered to memorize her lines. Golly! I'm frankly stunned that Taylor would behave in such a fashion. I mean, that sounds like the actions of a self-involved twit -- oh, wait. Never mind.

In case you didn't know, there is a thoroughly unnecessary sequel to Rowan Atkinson's even more unnecessary Johnny English being made: Johnny English Reborn. And two key cast members have been added: Dominic West (The Wire) and Gillian Anderson (The X-Files). You have to wonder who's blackmailing whom with what to make this shit happen.

We are who we pretend to be, dept.: Michigan's Calvin College has canceled a show by indie rock supergroup New Pornographers because, and I quote: "The band's name, to some, is mistakenly associated with pornography. Consequently, Calvin, to some, was mistakenly associated with pornography." In other news, Calvin College is run by utterly fucking inept morons who couldn't find their own assholes with both hands and a flashlight at high noon. So they can be associated with that, and fuck them with a chainsaw.

What is this I don't even dept.: Wu-Tang Clan's RZA is finally directing his long delayed movie, The Man With the Iron Fist, which will star RZA and . . . Russell Crowe. No, really! I swear to you I'm not making this shit up. Stop looking at me like that, dammit!

I make more money that Calvin College -- put together! dept.: Christopher Bird over at Nighthawk Postcards favorite MightyGodKing.com has done some digging, and it's worse than we thought: here's a list of other groups banned by Calvin College. Just a shame.

And that's it from me. I have to go. Say, does anyone remember if I let the dogs in last night?