Beshert

How to really find your soul mate.

“How will I know he’s my beshert, my soul mate?” one of my students asked me the other day.

“It doesn’t matter,” I replied. “Make a commitment to him, put in all the hard work and effort necessary and he’ll become your beshert.”

Beshert is one of the most confusing and misleading ideas in Jewish life. Although the Talmud states that 40 days prior to the formation of the fetus, a Heavenly voice comes down from Above and decrees who is to be mated with who, this activity in the spiritual realm does not inform the practical choices that we have to make.

In fact, it can become a distraction. It leads us to look for signs and omens and the mysterious ways of the cosmos that brought us together, and to ignore the more important elements required to create a good and productive relationship.

The fact that you “never” go to that store and you’re “never” home from work at that time and that he was buying “exactly” the same thing as you may be a cute story to tell your grandchildren (or not), but it doesn’t demonstrate whether he’s kind and loyal.

The moon, the stars and that special glow don’t speak to whether he’s honest and trustworthy.

And all the physical attraction in the world tells us nothing about his staying power over the long haul, about his true understanding of the word commitment.

That’s why I suggest that if need to talk about beshert (and it seems we do!) it should come at the end of the discussion, not the beginning.

When two people build a life together, when they start with a foundation of shared values and good character, and if their commitment is strong, they will create a healthy marriage.

Beshert is what you get after years of struggle and joy, years of pain and celebration, years of effort and laughter.

With all the hard work, with constant giving to their spouse, they will create an irrevocable bond. Through their family activities and community involvement they will deepen their unity. Their sense of intimacy and connection will only grow over time.

Beshert is what you get after you pay your dues. Beshert is what you get when you put someone else’s needs before your own. Beshert is what you get when you keep pushing forward no matter how rough the road. Beshert is what you get after years of struggle and joy, years of pain and celebration, years of effort and laughter.

There is a slightly mystical aspect to beshert – it's what you get when you’re not looking for it, when you’re not fooled by illusory externals and pseudo-spirituality.

Beshert is what you get after using your time to be loving and caring, after creating a true marital unit out of two individuals.

It is true that everything is in the Almighty’s hands, but not necessarily in the way we initially think. If we do the real job necessary to make a marriage work, then the Almighty performs a miracle for us -- we see that although we didn’t recognize it at first, we have married our beshert after all.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 38

What if your divorced and almost 65? Is there such a thing as "beshert" when you are older? All the explanations seems to be for younger people. Do we just give up when we start to experience aging?

V,
May 9, 2013 2:57 PM

Never too late!

It is never too late to meet your Bershert. Have faith and hold on to hope and pray for it. As long as you have faith G-d will provide to your needs. Be blessed. X

(35)
Anonymous,
March 1, 2012 10:37 PM

soul mate

Good article. I have been divorced also. This marriage has been going for 42 years. I stay though if I could I would like to be free. To many years and days in tears. Sometimes you give till you almost can't give out anymore. Yes, he does work and pay the bills. I am thankful. When we did have great difficulties asked that we take our marriage vows again before the L-rd, he refused, though I asked again same refused. So I stay, so I cry. May HaShem grant me His joy in the heart. Maybe one day I will have the right person in my life to share Torah and so much more at table.

(34)
Yael,
December 13, 2011 7:38 PM

If at first....

I married when I was 20, had 2 kids then divorced him becasue I didn't feel he was my "forever". Now I'm seeing someone that I dated when I was much younger. He married young and had kids and divorced because it just wasn't there. We have our difficulties, but can't seem to let go of him (as frustrated as I get with him sometimes). I have no doubt he loves me and always has. I've had several opportunities to marry since my divorce but it didn't feel right. I think he may be my beshert. It takes work, but he is the one I see myself growing old with and he's great with my kids (older now). I strongly believe everything for a reason. I think he is my beshert, but we had to learn certain life-lessons before we were ready to find each other again and "live happliy ever after".

Anonymous,
November 11, 2012 4:51 AM

How did it work out?

I'm in a similar situation and feel I have known my beshert since I was 7 but many different life situations have happened and we were only able to be together for a short while and now life is changing and I believe bringing another chance... I'm afraid tho cause I know he is the one that could break my heart.

(33)
Anonymous,
August 9, 2011 10:24 PM

There definitely is more to it than work, you have to be convinced there is something worth working for. The comments by "ray" contribute good yardsticks - very important to see how a person mixes in a social situation and what your friends think of them.

(32)
Anonymous,
May 23, 2011 11:05 PM

zivug v. basheret

i think there is a difference between a zivug and a beshert......and this distinction (among bnei yisrael needs to be made more clearer) But, either way, I believe the author of this article makes some good points. We need to make good choices, date well, trust in and pray to Hashem, and seek good council.....What will be will be, and perhaps only in Shamayim (after 120 years of living in a good marriage) will we (if ever) find out that the person who we married, is, or is not our bashert........good luck....hb

(31)
Anonymous,
December 15, 2010 11:50 PM

Well, my requirements are chesed X10, knowledge of Torah and more, someone wanting a companion, it would be great if that person liked cooking occasionally and would be a neat and tidy person. Short of that I have to leave everything up to Hashem. That's it and that's all. I have no problem with being single, but I have no study partner. My cat that loves to play dreidle (and I always win) can't read. So, all things considered, Hashem, praised be He is still the best bet.

(30)
laura,
July 23, 2010 1:01 PM

I agree with Ray, dangerous article

In a healthy relationship you arr supouse to give and work hard for your spouse but at the same time there must be the other part working hard to make you feel loved and protected. Just "hard work" is the recipe for slavery, not for marriage.

(29)
Noga,
December 10, 2009 12:09 AM

Couldn't agree more...

I disagree with the previous post which states that this is a 'dangerous article'... what she is saying is that you don't just automatically know right away if a person is your soul mate or not. Many people in relationships think they have met their soul mate but as soon as something happens in the relationship that makes it uncomfortable for them they hit the road instead of putting in some effort to work it out. The true soul mate test is whether or not you work through your struggles or instead part your ways... and you only know this until you make it through!

(28)
ray,
November 25, 2009 11:34 AM

very dangerous article

contradicts logic and many other articles on this site.
when dating, ask yourself.
do i feel comfortable around this person?
would i feel embarassed to present this person to my friends?
do I want my kids to be like him/her?

(27)
Anonymous,
November 22, 2009 7:59 AM

Your newsletters are amazingly helpful and priceless guidance for many people. The advantages of being married to the right person and a meaningful relationship will be a great subject to focus on. How we can grow and be happier people when we are married to a good and kind person that we love.people become more successful in their careers and become better people when they are in a good marriage.I believe these articles will give our single population a little more courage to approach getting married.
Thank you again for all the wonderful work.

(26)
Anonymous,
November 22, 2009 3:47 AM

It is imperative that it be said that in the case where spouse is being abusive whether physically, mentally, emotionally, that the life and absolute safety of all persons involved including spouse and children is primary. Sometimes no amount of "work" can change an abusive spouse..... get out! without guilt.

(25)
Anonymous,
November 22, 2009 12:16 AM

Beautiful article

Mrs. Braverman does not advocate for a "loveless, duty-filled marriage", but one in which love and hard work are intertwined. I have a wonderful marriage with my husband, and know first hand that hard work on both ends is soul enriching and make for an exhilarating and fulfilling marriage! I feel that unless one is a saint of the caliber of the greatest of people, someone who says marriage doesn't entail hard work is either married for a very short time or doesn't know how beautiful marriage can REALLY get! Do the work, and you're repaid thousandfold.

(24)
Eric Norman,
November 19, 2009 8:28 PM

Hear, Hear!

The article hit the nail on the head. Too often even the mystical encounters are often treated as a ceiling--no more room for growth. Yet, everyone one should be growing, maturing one's character and integrity. Being in a relationship--whether a marriage or one leading to marriage--merely changes the course of the growth. New chapters in one's life are only new opportunities for growth. I like what Ms Braverman indicated to another lady worring about finding her beshert, "make a commitment to him, put in all the hard work and effort necessary and he’ll become your beshert."

(23)
a yid,
November 18, 2009 5:44 PM

LISTEN!!!!

I am only 23 yrs old. My good friend, Adira was one day yonger than me and expecting her first child. She started having siezures then went into a coma and passed away yesterday. Her baby is okay (but named after her). Her husband (newly-widowed) spoke privately to my husband and I, and told us to take care of each other, and that it's not worth letting anything ruin the time we have together. Anyone can make things work! we shouldn't need things to get to this point to get the message!

(22)
anon,
November 18, 2009 5:31 PM

another point

I have been told that before one gets married is the time to analyze & judge....but after one gets married they must learn to accept their spouse as a whole, negative traits as well as the positive. & hope the s/he does the same as well.

(21)
Anonymous,
November 18, 2009 3:02 AM

SO TRUE!

The article is so so true. That is exactly what happened to me. It took me many years to realize it.

(20)
Anonymous,
November 18, 2009 2:06 AM

hmmm...

Usually I totally agree with what Mrs. Braverman writes...but I can't agree with this one. I don't think that the mistake is waiting for your beshert; it's thinking that your beshert is going to be perfect, a dream match, and once you find him/her, there is no work involved.

(19)
Anonymous,
November 18, 2009 2:01 AM

LOVE AN ACT OF WILL

I once read an analogy of emotions whereby the author was illustrating that emotions are unable to determine reality from fantasy, the example it gave was how a viewer might *feel* watching a horror movie.... the body and emotion will respond in *fear* even when the mind knows there is no real threat. They used this as a basis to explain that there must be more than an emotional motivation in love and relationships..... love is very definitely a decision, a choice.

(18)
Rosen,
November 18, 2009 12:42 AM

great article, and agree with Sarah too

This is a good, concise article about what it takes to build a relationship or effort in finding one's beshert. However, if one does come across his/her beshert and (initially) rejects that person, how can that be made up and reconciled? The only thing I can think of is what Aish.com taught earlier on the 10 ways to marry the wrong person and one of them was "you marry the wrong person because you want to be happy" and a powerful message in that context that stood out to me was "if you're unhappy being single, then chances are, you will be unhappy in a relationship." But, can one be unhappy with his/her beshert as they were when they were single? I could imagine a worst case scenario for such a relationship being feeling worse than one did before he/she was in the relationship with their beshert or otherwise.

(17)
Elana,
November 17, 2009 11:50 PM

agree with #7

No matter how much you may want to make a marriage work, if you don't belong together, it will be a tough road to travel. You can travel it, but it will be tough. One of the things I learned (a little too late though) is to look at the person...would you want your children to be like that person? Is the person stable? You have a wonderful ten point list I think here on aish about what to look for in a good partner.

(16)
Anonymous,
November 17, 2009 7:12 PM

Hopeful article for those of us.....

This is the first article I have read in a long time that makes me feel much better about my marriage. I married for a lot of good reasons, but not romantic ones. Consequently I always have felt cheated. But I am more hopeful now; my spouse has proven loyal, patient and very accepting over the years. Perhaps he is my beshert after all.

(15)
Shaina,
November 17, 2009 5:58 PM

Wonderful!

This may be the best, most sensible, well written article I have seen on this subject. Also, it was right to the point with no wasted words. A copy of this article should be given out by every dating agency to all their clients. Thank you so much!

(14)
Mary,
November 17, 2009 5:28 PM

This article is so right!

I am married 11 years now with two children. We have been through a few moves and a few issues that make me wonder if I did the "right" thing by marrying him and having children with him. I have felt a few times like laeving but, Guess what? He is my Beshert wether I like it or not on some days. He is a good man and a good provider and father. Who could ask for more? So what that he does not know my ins and outs perfectly?

(13)
Sarah,
November 16, 2009 11:11 PM

Contradiction

I like this article a lot, but it still leaves a huge question. There are plenty of legitimate sources that say that everyone has one bashert (or a zivug rishon and sheini) and if you pass up your bashert, you may never get married. How can you reconcile is apparent contradiction?

(12)
nkahana,
November 16, 2009 9:43 PM

Succinct

Bravo Mrs. Braverman! Once again you've hit the nail on the head! Only replace Beshert with the words "In Love" or even just plain "True Love" -- that too takes years and hard work to achieve.

(11)
Deborah,
November 16, 2009 4:14 PM

I greatly enjoy Mrs Bravermans articles, but on this one I do not agree.

(10)
Anonymous,
November 16, 2009 2:05 PM

This is the greatest article out there! thank you so much!

everyone should read and internalize !

(9)
Anonymous,
November 16, 2009 4:29 AM

to the point

Short, and to the point. I'm forwarding this to several people, both married and looking to get married, that will benefit.

(8)
Hope,
November 16, 2009 3:49 AM

A heavenly voice goes out...

Great article and thank you. May G-d bless every 'single' Jew to merit marrying their true beshert.

(7)
Anonymous,
November 16, 2009 3:41 AM

I find it hard to believe that this is the Jewish way!?!?

I have lots to say regarding this article - and wanted to comment briefly now: where does attraction and liking the person fit in? this seems way too cut and dry - the way beshert is defined in the second paragraph makes it seem as if you can marry anybody. Not so. True commitment is an essential mainstay of marriage, but if this is what is being taught to people as the Jewish way I have no doubt as to why there are so many divorces in our community. - and not at the fault of the couple - rather a society that defines marriage in such a cold way
additionally I find it disturbing when you write: "Beshert is what you get after you pay your dues." marriage is not a torture chamber! - yes you have to work at supporting your spouse and finding ways to be sensitive to him/her - but if you feel like it is such hard work maybe you are not married to the right person - (not meaning beshert) - marriage is supposed to be enjoyable - it is not a chore

(6)
ruth,
November 16, 2009 2:47 AM

sherbet

I like that the letters in beshert can be rearranged to form the word sherbet, surely sweet, and melts in your mouth. Yes, you are so right that we need to work at relationships, and grow with them. It's not always simply love at first sight and then an easy ride all the way home. Life has its way of presenting us with obstacles, differing needs and points of view. In order to make a marriage work, we need to listen to each other and respect each other, as best we can. I see the hand of God all over my own story of meeting my beshert. And I can say, I love him dearly and we've been together since we married in l969. Yes, it's been a road well traveled, and yes to what you said about how we make it work!

(5)
emes,
November 16, 2009 12:10 AM

what? force it? are you kidding me?

Mrs. Braverman writes: “How will I know he’s my beshert, my soul mate?” one of my students asked me the other day. “It doesn’t matter,” I replied. “Make a commitment to him, put in all the hard work and effort necessary and he’ll become your beshert.”
It doesn't matter? are you kidding me? and the rate of divorce is rising, even in the observant Jewish community! how about the person taking time to quietly be with themselves and really introspect to see if it truly feels like the right thing in their soul. what a concept. doesn't this make more sense than a "it doesn't matter" answer. frankly, i am offended and disturbed by the apparent lack of insight and consideration here. A 'match' doesn't have to be perfect. but there needs to be a certain amount of surety in the couple's gut to make it work.

(4)
Janine,
November 15, 2009 11:03 PM

Beautifull!

Thank you for a beautiful and insightful piece regarding the concept of finding one's "beshert". My dear mother, of blessed memory, expressed the same idea to me years ago. She believed that whomever you marry can become your soul mate, if you put in the effort and commitment. "Make it good", she would say to me. Our world seems to be one of human effort- hopefully if we make the effort, God will bless us and help us along the way.

(3)
Mary,
November 15, 2009 8:34 PM

disagree

I disagree. i think we do have a bershert but that everything has a price.As a woman, if you wait for your bershert you may not meet him while you can still have children, and that is a price paid. If you marry someone who is not your bershert you can have children but the price might be that you don't get to marry your bershert.
However now that I am getting older, I am discovering that people can meet, marry, live with, and create memories with their bershert in their 80's after they have lived a life and had children who grew up, and had their original partners die of old age.

(2)
Anonymous,
November 15, 2009 8:20 PM

Great!

I love this viewpoint and think it's a great message for all the single AND married people out there! Making a marriage work takes effort and this is very encouraging for people in the process. Thanks for writing about it!

(1)
Shaltiel Maguen,
November 15, 2009 6:49 PM

Beautiful

Thank You for your words, it confirms me a lot of what I what I believe as jew. Thank you for being real and not mistic, because as you said when we do the real job necessary the Almighty will performs the miracle for us.
Shalom Ubrajot from the Puerto Rico Jewish Community Center!!!

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

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