Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Things haven't been going so well. My depression is acting up and once again my husband is angry. He told me today that he just doesn't understand me at all. I told him that I don't want to be with him anymore. I am tired of taking care of him all of the time and he isn't there for me. Once again he is displaying the same old behaviour as two years ago where he hasn't talked to me or had anything to do with me while I've been bad off. Actually today is the first day he has asked how I am because earlier this morning I told him that I want to be with someone who I could be there for while they were there for me and if I couldn't find it I just wouldn't be with anyone.

I really don't think it's out there when I think about it. I don't think that there is a couple who is there for each other. It's only Hollywood that makes those types of couples.

The last few depressive episodes he wasn't angry and much more supportive. I don't know what happened this time.

He says that I'm needy during these times. It's ironic that he says that because these past few days I haven't called him while he was out of the house or asked him to do anything for me. He can be in his studio the entire time and I don't say squat to him.

Last night I told him that I am appalled with how he has ignored me and treated me while I've been down.

I'm tired of this shit. And that is what it is...shit.

My mind is rambling.

If you only knew how down and depressed and full of anxiety my husband can be. If you only knew how I support him in every way. If you only knew what goes on in this house. I don't even write about it. I live it every day.

Perhaps it is best if he just accepts you rather than try to understand you. Sometimes men find it hard to understand women - I mean, the differences between the two are fairly diverse. Men and women think differently and I guess (as John was saying) you have to work within that scope.

My husband often says to me "It must be difficult living inside your head at times". So, his acceptance of my ups and downs is all I really need and expect.

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John - As usual I love your honesty. Thanks for dropping a line. :) Your advice is very helpful and I have never told him that I'm feeling depressed when I feel it hitting and asked to help out. I think it's because I don't want him to know that I'm going down the spiral because of his reactions in the past and don't want to dredge up any more negative emotions.

I am going to try it though and let you know how it goes. Thanks so much...maybe it will do the trick.

Linda - Oh, to have your wisdom would be heavenly. Yes, you are right and I never thought about it that way. I just want him to accept me. You are right, he will never understand (or maybe he doesn't want to, I don't know because he experiences some pretty dark times himself) but if he JUST accepted me. It would make all of the difference.

When the ship is sailing on a good day I will express that to him. Hopefully it will make a difference.