A CASTING DIRECTOR sits in a chair to one side of the
stage. An ACTRESS is ready to audition.:

CASTING DIRECTOR
Take your time, and begin when you're ready.

The Actress prepares, and after a moment starts to speak

ACTRESS
Make...

The Casting Director interrupts.

CASTING DIRECTOR
What are you doing?

ACTRESS
Auditioning.

CASTING DIRECTOR
I mean, what piece are you doing?

ACTRESS
Oh! It's one of Viola's speeches from "Twelfth
Night."

CASTING DIRECTOR
Oh. Okay. Begin when you're ready.

The Actress prepares, and after a moment starts to speak.

ACTRESS
Make me a...

The Casting Director interrupts again.

CASTING DIRECTOR
Would you like me to give you a cue?

ACTRESS
I'm sorry?

CASTING DIRECTOR
I thought maybe you'd like me to feed you a cue,
to get you started.

ACTRESS
I can start. I was trying to start.

CASTING DIRECTORY
I just thought I'd offer to help.

ACTRESS
All right. Please say, "Why, what would you?"

CASTING DIRECTOR
Why, what would you?

The Casting Director's line reading is wooden; completely
unhelpful.

ACTRESS
Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
And call upon my soul within the house;
Write loyal cantons of contemned love,
And sing them loud even in the dead of night;
Hallow your name to the reverberate hills,
And make the babbling gossip of the air
Cry out "Olivia!" O, you should not rest
Between the elements of air and earth,
But you should pity me.

CASTING DIRECTOR
That was nice. Very nice. Now can you do it
as an old lady?

ACTRESS
But Olivia's not...

CASTING DIRECTOR
So you're telling me you can't do it as an old
lady?

ACTRESS
(as a very old lady)
Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
And call upon my soul within the house;
Write loyal cantons of contemned love,
And sing them loud even in the dead of night;
Hallow your name to the reverberate hills,
And make the babbling gossip of the air
Cry out "Olivia!" O, you should not rest
Between the elements of air and earth,
But you should pity me.

CASTING DIRECTOR
Now as an old lady from Brooklyn.

The Actress glares at the Casting Director, but gives it a
shot.

ACTRESS
(as a very old lady from Brooklyn)
Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
And call upon my soul within the house;
Write loyal cantons of contemned love,
And sing them loud even in the dead of night;
Hallow your name to the reverberate hills,
And make the babbling gossip of the air
Cry out "Olivia!" O, you should not rest
Between the elements of air and earth,
But you should pity me.

CASTING DIRECTOR
Now as an old lady from Brooklyn being chased
around the stage by a giant duck from outer space.

ACTRESS
(as a very old lady from Brooklyn
being chased around the stage by a
giant duck from outer space)
Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
And call upon my soul within the house;
Write loyal cantons of contemned love,
And sing them loud even in the dead of night;
Hallow your name to the reverberate hills,
And make the babbling gossip of the air
Cry out "Olivia!" O, you should not rest
Between the elements of air and earth,
But you should pity me.

CASTING DIRECTOR
I love it! That was great!

ACTRESS
So are you going to give me a part?

CASTING DIRECTOR
I don't have any parts. I just took out that notice
cause I love humiliating actresses.

The Actress takes out a gun and shoots the Casting
Director. He falls down dead.

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author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own,
personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the
author's permission. Without limiting the
foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express
permission.