Online dating with a disability: 'People don't think I'm able to have sex'

Comedian Romina Puma, 39, has muscular dystrophy – a hereditary condition that causes the muscles to gradually weaken. In the run up to Valentine’s Day, she explains what it’s like dating with a disability.

I started online dating a few years ago. It was a while after I broke up with my boyfriend and my condition had started to get worse. I used to be able to walk unaided, but started to need a wheelchair more and more – to the point where I now use it daily.

I’d never had any problems dating before. I’ve had long-term boyfriends and short flings. There was always someone to hang out with and my disability was never an issue – it was invisible. You wouldn’t have known I had a condition if you'd looked at me.

"A guy the other day asked me if the wheelchair was a prop."

But now I’m in a wheelchair it feels like everyone has disappeared. No one wants to approach me, it's as though I have a contagious infection or something.

It’s why I decided to try online dating. I made a few profiles and initially put up pictures of myself without the wheelchair. I had lots of matches and guys were asking me out.

Then I had to tell them I had a condition and would be going on the date in a wheelchair. Most cancelled.

Romina Puma in her wheelchair

Before I needed my wheelchair all the time, I managed to go on a few dates. I used to hide my condition when I still could. Sometimes I’d turn up on crutches and say I'd just had an accident.

Dates were absolutely fine with that but the second I said I had a condition, they’d run away.

There were a few that didn't. Sometimes it was just a one night stand, and didn’t go any further. Sometimes I just didn’t get on with the guy.

"Online dating is hard if you’re not disabled, and if you are, it’s even harder because of the stigma."

Now I’m not really into one night stands anymore – I want a proper relationship, but that makes it even harder. I’ve put up a photograph of me in a wheelchair on my profile, so people can see exactly who I am.

Since doing that, I haven’t really had any luck. Fair enough if I’m not their type - but sometimes I get messages asking questions like 'can you have sex?' or 'can you feel anything?'

People think if you’re disabled, you can’t have sex – which is the most important thing in a relationship, or at least it is for me – but they’re wrong.

The other day, a man asked me if the wheelchair was a prop. Recently I’ve made a ‘stupid questions you want to ask’ section for my profile, where I list all the ridiculous things people want to know, because I’m so sick of it.

A screenshot of Romina's OKCupid profile

Some people contact you out of curiosity. I think sometimes they go out with me to see what it’s like to date a disabled person – just to have an experience. It’s so frustrating. I’m not a puppy you can play with and try out.

People often don't see me as a person, they just see me as a wheelchair. They think because you’re in a wheelchair, you’re restricted and can’t do certain things. It’s ignorant and there’s still a big stigma around disabilities.

It can be tough. Online dating is hard enough if you’re not disabled. There are times when I’m more confident and strong and can deal with it. But sometimes it’s a struggle, so I tend to deactivate my accounts.

I know I’ll never get someone who looks like Brad Pitt. I know I have to lower my expectations. But I don’t believe my disability should stop me from being in a relationship. If you fall in love with someone you can get around things. I just wish more people knew that.