...A bad day at the barn is still better than a good day anywhere else... ~ Heather

Horseng Farm

6475 Warden Road

New Tripoli, Pa 18066

Awesome holiday story:

This is so much more entertaining than doing homework!!! (hey, everyone needs break from writing essays by, well, writing a totally pointless story) All the horses at the barn....

Christmas is finally here! But before Sir Alex could get into the Noelle spirit, some work had to be done around the farm. Before he could open his presents, Sir Alex had to muck out all of the stalls. He was super quick and did it faster than a Bullet. All that hard work made him hungry! He got some Honey to put on a bagel and took his snack with him to the pastures. When the horses saw his food, they all got Rowdy. Sir Alex was Shay-meful, knowing that he probably should have finished his snack before going to get Jackie. After the horses running around like Diesel trains for ages, he finally caught his steed. He was so excited that he started to dance like Jagger. Archie was confused by the dancing, and made a sound like an angry Moose. Sir Alex laughed at Archie’s antics and wondered “Izzy ever going to stop?” He decided to give Jackie an apple for Christmas. However, he had forgotten that he had just played Bobbi-ng for apples, and therefore had to come up with another present for Jackie. He sat down Andrew a picture for her. Then it was finally time for Sir Alex to get his presents! He Reggie-d up to his house, but stopped off at the bathroom first. Andie thought to himself “Why can’t we call the bathroom the Lou like they do in England?” His parents gave him a big container of Rocky Duke ice cream. Sir Alex was a little upset. All he was getting for Christmas was ice cream? But then his parents surprised him. They were going on a family vacation to Rio! Sir Alex had to admit that it had been a pretty fantastic Christmas!

Come Ride With Us!

Congratulations to Sara Z on the publication of her haiku in the August issue of Pony Magazine! In case you guys didn't see it in the office, here it is:

MINE

By Sara Zdancewitz

Always by my side

Brave, generous, devoted

Unmistakable

Funny Stuff

Thanks to Christine for sending me these very inspirational tales.

I AM YOUR HORSE

When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be thoughtful.When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.When you are lonely, let me be your companion.When you are tired, let me carry the load.When you need to learn, let me teach you.After all, I am your horse.

And now, the REAL story........When you are tense, let me teach you that there are dragons in the forest,and we need to leave NOW.When you are short tempered, let me teach you how to slog around the pasturefor an hour before you can catch me.When you are short sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly,in the 40 acres I am hiding.When you are quick to react let me teach you that herbivores kick MUCHfaster than omnivores.When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet,because I don't FEEL like cantering on my right lead today, that's why.When you are worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness, GIcomplaint, and skin disease.When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maidservice.When you are self-absorbed let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. I TOLD youabout those dragons in the forest.When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200 lbs of a YAHOO-let's-Gohorse can do when suitably inspired.When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch. Also,breakfast and dinner.When you are tired, don't forget the 600 lbs of grain that needs to beunloaded.When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of"Veterinary Services, additional."When you need to learn, hang around, baby. I'll learn ya!

HORSE LOVERS DEFINED

THE BACKYARD RIDER:

Usually found wearing shorts and a sports bra in the summer; flannel nightgown, muck boots, and down jacket in the winter.

Drives a Ford 150 filled with saddle blankets and dog hair. Most have deformed toes from being stepped on while wearing flip-flops.Has a two-horse bumper-pull trailer, but uses it for hay storage, as her horse hasn't been off the farm in 6 years.

Can install an electric fence, set a gate, and roll a round bale, solo.Rode well and often when she used to board her horse, 5 years ago.Took horse home to "save money" and has spent about 50 grand on acreage, barn, fence, tractor, etc.Has two topics of conversation - 1) How it's too hot/cold/wet/dry to ride.And 2) how she may ride after she fixes the fence/digs drainage ditches/stacks 4 tons of hay.

THE NATURAL HORSEMANSHIP DEVOTEE:

Looks like a throwback from a Texas ranch, despite the fact that he lives in the suburbs of New Jersey.Rope coiled loosely in hand in case he needs to herd any of those kids on roller-blades away from his F-350 dually in the Wal-Mart parking lot.Cowboy hat strategically placed, and just dirty enough to look cool.Levi's are well worn. "Lightning" is, of course, this natural horsemanship guy's horse.Rescued from a bad home where he was never imprinted or broke in the natural horsemanship way, he specialized in running down his owners at feeding time, knocking children off his back on low-hanging branches, and baring his teeth.The hospitalization tally for his previous handlers was 12, until he was sent to Round Pen Randy; after ten minutes in said pen, he is now a totally broke horse, bowing to the crowd, and can put on his own splint boots (With R.P. Randy's trademark logo embossed on them) R.P.R. says, of all this, "Well, shucks ma'am, tweren't nuthin'!""It's simple horsemanship.""With this special twirly flickitatin' rope ($17.95 plus tax), you'll be round-pennin' like me in no time!"

THE ENDURANCE RIDER:

Wears Lycra tights in wild neon colors.The shinier the better, so the EMT's can find her body when her horse dumps her down a ravine.Wears hiking shoes of some sort, and T-shirts she got for paying $75 to complete another torturous ride.Her horse, Al Kamar Shazam, used to be called "you bastard" until he found an owner almost as hyper as he is.Shazam can spook at a blowing leaf, spin a 360, and not lose his big trot rhythm or give an inch to the horse behind him.Has learned to eat, drink, pee, and drop to his resting pulse rate on command.He has compiled 3,450 AERC miles; his rider compiled 3,445 (the missing five miles are the ones when he raced down the trail without hisrider after performing his trademark 360.

Over-heard frequently: "Anyone have Advil?""Anyone got some food? I think last year's Twinkies went bad.""For this pain I spend money?""Shazam, you bastard-it's just a leaf [thud]!"

THE HUNTER RIDER:

Is slightly anorexic and trying her best to achieve the conformation of a 17-year-old male in case she ever has a clinic with George Morris.Field marks include greeny-beige breeches and a baseball cap when schooling or mud colored coat and hardhat with dangling chinstrap when competing.Forks over about a grand a month to trainer for the privilege of letting him/her "tune" up the horse, which consists of drilling the beast until its going to put in five strides on a 60 foot line no matter WHAT she does.Sold the Thoroughbred (and a collection of lunging equipment, chambons, side reins) and bought a Warmblood.(Bought a ladder and a LONG set of spurs)Talks a lot about the horse's success in Florida without exactly letting on that she herself has never been south of the Pennsylvania line.

THE DRESSAGE QUEEN:

Has her hair in an elegant ponytail and is wearing a visor and gold earrings sporting a breed logo.A $100 dollar custom jumper (also with breed logo) is worn over $300 dollar full-seat white breeches and custom Koenigs.Her horse, "Leistergeidelsprundheim" ("Fleistergeidel" for short) is a 17.3-hand warmblood who was bred to be a Grand Prix horse.The Germans are still laughing hysterically, as he was bred to be a Grand Prix JUMPER, but as he couldn't get out of his own way, they sold him to an American.

His rider fell in love with his lofty gaits, proud carriage, and tremendous athleticism.She admires mostly while lunging.She lunges him a lot, because she is not actually too keen to get up there and try to SIT that trot.When she rides, it's not for long, because (while he looks FINE to everyone else), she can tell that he is not as "through" and "supple" as he should be, and gets off to call the chiropractor/massage therapist/psychic, all of which is expensive, but he WILL be shown, and shown right after he perfects (fill in the blank).The blank changes often enough that the rider can avoid the stress of being beaten at Training 1 by a Quarter Horse.

THE EVENTER:

Is bent over from carrying three saddles, three bridles, three bits, and three unrelated sets of clothing (four, if she is going to have to do a trot up at a 3-Day)The hunched defensive posture is reinforced by the anticipation of "a long one" a ditch and a wall, and from living in her back protector.Perpetually broke because she pays THREE coaches ( a Dressage Queen, a jumper rider, and her eventing guru, none of whom approve of the other) and pay trailers/stabling/living expenses to go 600 miles to events that are spread out over 5 days.She is smugly convinced that Eventers are in fact the only people in the world who CAN ride (since Dressage Queen's don't jump, the H/J crowd is to afraid to go OUT of a ring, and the fox hunters - a related breed - don't have to deal with dressage judges).Hat cover on cross-country helmet is secured with a giant rubber band, so she can look like her idol, Phillip.Her horse, (who has previously been rejected as a race horse, a steeplechase horse - got ruled off for jumping into the in field tailgating the crowd - a jumper, a fox hunter, and a polo pony (no bit stops this thing) has two speeds: gallop and "no gallop" (also known as stop 'n' dump).Excels at over jumping into water, doing a head first "tuck and roll" maneuver and exiting the complex (catch me if you can!) before his rider slogs out of the pond.Often stops to lick the Crisco off his legs before continuing gaily on to the merciless oxer jump just ahead.Owner often threatens to sell, but as he has flunked out of every other English-riding discipline, it will have to be to a barrel racer.

2. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "Relaxing into the fall". Roll lithely into a ball, and spring to your feet!

3. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse/pocket and write out a $200.00 check without even looking down.

4. Jog long distances carrying a halter and holding out a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you're doing.They might as well know now. 5. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling it to a halt. And smile as if you are really having fun.

6. Hone your fibbing skills. "See hon, moving hay bales is fun!" and " I'm glad your lucky performance and multi-million dollar horse won you first place - I'm just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place".

7. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder, and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.

8.Borrow the US Army slogan; "Be all that you can be." As in, you can be ... bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, etc."

9. Lie face down in the mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself: "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience,..."

10. Marry money.

11. (Bonus lesson.)

Q: What is the way to make a small fortune in the horse business?

A: Start with a large one.

For parents who complain about the cost of horses:

Very often we hear parents at the riding school complain about the cost of horses. While we know they eat a hole in the pocket, a father recently shared why he forks out for the animals. We’ve copied this from Facebook and definitely think you’ll enjoy the read: My daughter turned sixteen years old today; which is a milestone for most people. Besides looking at baby photos and childhood trinkets with her, I took …time to reflect on the young woman my daughter had become and the choices she would face in the future. As I looked at her I could see the athlete she was, and determined woman she would soon be. I started thinking about some of the girls we knew in our town who were already pregnant, pierced in several places, hair every color under the sun, drop outs, drug addicts and on the fast track to no-where, seeking surface identities because they had no inner self esteem. The parents of these same girls have asked me why I “waste” the money on horses so my daughter can ride. I’m told she will grow out of it, lose interest, discover boys and all kinds of things that try to pin the current generation’ s “slacker” label on my child. I don’t think it will happen, I think she will love and have horses all her life. Because my daughter grew up with horses she has compassion. She knows that we must take special care of the very young and the very old. We must make sure those without voices to speak of their pain are still cared for. Because my daughter grew up with horses she learned responsibility for others than herself. She learned that regardless of the weather you must still care for those you have the stewardship of. There are no “days off” just because you don’t feel like being a horse owner that day. She learned that for every hour of fun you have there are days of hard slogging work you must do first.

Because my daughter grew up with horses she learned not to be afraid of getting dirty and that appearances don’t matter to most of the breathing things in the world we live in. Horses do not care about designer clothes, jewelry, pretty hairdos or anything else we put on our bodies to try to impress others. What a horse cares about are your abilities to work within his natural world, he doesn’t care if you’re wearing $80.00 jeans while you do it. - Because my daughter grew up with horses she understands the value of money. Every dollar can be translated into bales of hay, bags of feed or farrier visits. Purchasing non-necessities during lean times can mean the difference between feed and good care, or neglect and starvation. She has learned to judge the level of her care against the care she sees provided by others and to make sure her standards never lower, and only increase as her knowledge grows. Because my daughter grew up with horses she has learned to learn on her own. She has had teachers that cannot speak, nor write, nor communicate beyond body language and reactions. She has had to learn to “read” her surroundings for both safe and unsafe objects, to look for hazards where others might only see a pretty meadow. She has learned to judge people as she judges horses. She looks beyond appearances and trappings to see what is within. Because my daughter grew up with horses she has learned sportsmanship to a high degree. Everyone that competes fairly is a winner. Trophies and ribbons may prove someone a winner, but they do not prove someone is a horseman. She has also learned that some people will do anything to win, regard-less of who it hurts. She knows that those who will cheat in the show ring will also cheat in every other aspect of their life and are not to be trusted. Because my daughter grew up with horses she has self-esteem and an engaging personality. She can talk to anyone she meets with confidence, because she has to express herself to her horse with more than words. She knows the satisfaction of controlling and teaching a 1000 pound animal that will yield willingly to her gentle touch and ignore the more forceful and inept handling of those stronger than she is. She holds herself with poise and professionalism in the company of those far older than herself. Because my daughter grew up with horses she has learned to plan ahead. She knows that choices made today can effect what happens five years down the road. She knows that you cannot care for and protect your investments without savings to fall back on. She knows the value of land and buildings. And that caring for your vehicle can mean the difference between easy travel or being stranded on the side of the road with a four horse trailer on a hot day.

When I look at what she has learned and what it will help her become, I can honestly say that I haven’t “wasted” a penny on providing her with horses. I only wish that all children had the same opportunities to learn these lessons from horses before setting out on the road to adulthood.

(via Debbie Barke)

People you are likely to meet in a stable yard

The Fictional Show Jumper

“I can jump 1.20”. Sure you can……at home…..badly….over a single fence. The miraculous feats achieved by the fictional show jumper will often happen when there is no one around to see, video or photograph it. Likewise, none of these skills have yet been displayed at a competition where the fictional show jumper is usually jumping several grades lower than their stories centre around.

The Directionless Wonder aka those with zero survival instinct aka the zombie apocalypse

‘left hand to left hand’ may very well be a rule of open schooling in the arena but the directionless wonder has no concept of left and right and will fail to notice that they are in any danger when you are heading straight towards them. The directionless wonder will somehow always end up riding in the same area of the school as you and will stroll along behind or in front of a show jumping fence as they have not noticed that you are jumping it One may often wonder how the directionless wonder has managed to ever cross a road given their complete lack of self- preservation. When riding in the vicinity of the directionless wonder the normal rules of schooling should be disregarded and instead the best practice is simply to stay out of their way, roar jumping whenever you are approaching a fence and give them an extremely wide berth if on a young or green horse

Princess Sparkle

Bling browband, bling on the stirrup irons, bling saddle cloth, bling on the collar of a jacket. It will usually look like a diamonte factory has vomited its entire contents onto this horse and rider combination.

Don’t worry about forgetting this horse or rider’s names. They have it embroidered for you on their saddle cloth, their rug, their tack tags, their lorry /horsebox and even on their jacket.

The Side Saddler

Spends most of their time searching for and spending a fortune on antique side saddle related items online. Knows their own and their horses measurements inside out from trying to find one off vintage items to fit. Possess muscles not understood or used by non side saddlers. Favour traditional turnout and attire and maintain an expensive wish list of related items which they would give their right arm for.

The Matchy Matchy

If the rider has a red top the horse must have a red saddle cloth. Matchy matchys like to be colour co-ordinated at all times and like to blend in with their horse from the rugs and saddle cloths that the horse wears to the colour of their travel equipment. Fixation on one specific colour is also a common symptom of matchy matchy.

The Over Feeder.

“oh no, he has lost a little bit of condition on his quarters, must increase his feed again”. Horses belonging to the over feeder are usually as wide as they are high. They are usually in shape, well, if you consider round to be a shape. They also are usually pretty quiet to ride because they physically cannot go very fast and will often corner like a double decker bus.

The OCD Rugger

Horses belonging to an OCD rugger usually get dressed several times a day in different outfits and have a wardrobe that is fuller than Mariah Carey’s with several of each rug in different weights. OCD ruggers spend most of their days wondering if the horse has the right rug on whenever the weather temperature goes up or down a few degrees.

The Hypochondriac

The hypochondriac spends their day worrying about what the horse has when the horse is unwell and worrying about what the horse might have when the horse is well. The vet’s number is on speed dial and the horse shudders every time the owner approaches with the thermometer, which is often several times a day. Hypochondriac’s horses often suffer from vague illnesses such as ‘not being themselves’ and mystery lameness unseen by other people.

The Expert

The expert is always on hand to provide advice to other horse owners in any given situation. This advice is often uninvited. In fact the advice is often unwanted but any subtle attempts to show this are usually unrecognised or ignored. The expert can always be relied upon to show up just as your horse is misbehaving or things are going wrong and will contribute to the whole debacle by standing there telling you what you are doing wrong and what they would do and what you should do. The volume and confidence of the expert is sadly often inversely proportional to the amount of knowledge they actually have.

The Emotional Owner

The emotional owner usually has an extra special bond with their horse. They just ‘know’ what the horse is thinking and feeling and will convert any and all equine behaviour into human emotions. The horse didn’t kick them on purpose last week, the horse was trying to move them out of the way and warn them of impending invisible danger. Romeo and Juliet had nothing compared to the intensity of this relationship. The emotional owner will often have a tendency towards alternative methods of equestrianism and will obsess about the horses personality and feelings.

The Unnaturally Competitive

You once won a rosette in Dublin? They won two. You once had a pure bred welsh pony? They had one too and it was a showing champion. You can jump a metre? They can jump 1.30. You have a rescued grey hound? They had a rescued grey hound that won several races. Anything you can do this person can or has done better. Hours of fun can be had by concocting things you have done just to watch them try to come up with a better story.

The Scruff

The scruff sees no need to groom their horse. The scruff also sees no need to clean tack or to clean out the horse box after use or to even just make sure that the horse is mud and bedding free when going to a show or out in public. Will live in wellies and their favourite top and jacket.

The Obsessive Cleaner

The obsessive cleaner should effectively be banned from owning a light coloured horse as ownership of such horses tends to exacerbate their condition. The obsessive cleaner will scrub the horse the night before a show, cover them from head to tail in clothing no matter the weather and turn up several hours before the show the next morning to berate the horse for being even remotely dirty and to wash them all over again. Obsessive cleaners will not even sit up on the horse until the animal is spotlessly clean. They have nightmares about yellow patches and coats that do not shine like glass. Where an obsessive cleaner does not own a light coloured horse their efforts will be fixated upon white socks and stockings and around shiny coats. Obsessive cleaners may also have an unhealthy fixation with cleaning tack which can play to the advantage of the scruff.

The Amazing Rider

They only have to grace the saddle of a horse for it to immediately perform to full potential. They pick up everything very quickly, have extremely effective legs, perfect hand aids and could make a donkey look like a dressage star. You want to hate them but they are too damn nice.

The Child Prodigy

Same as the amazing rider but half your age and twice as talented. This kid is lapping you. Oh the shame.

The Jammy Dodger

The jammy dodger will rattle every fence in a show jumping round and still make it out with a clear round. They will find the best equestrian bargains just as a sale ends. They will manage to find a lift to every show. They will get the last place in a sold out clinic. They will catch a free ride on the best horse. This is the sort of person who will walk down the road and find a winning lottery ticket on the street.

The Borrower

“Can I borrow some coat shine?”, “Can I borrow some plaiting bands?”, “Can I borrow your brush”. See the thing is buddy, the phrase ‘borrow’ kind of implies that I’m getting that back which when you repeatedly use my coat shine, tail conditioner and bands is never going to happen. Missing a brush, bandage, boot or piece of tack? – contact the borrower who may have forgotten to tell you they borrowed it and has probably forgotten to put it back too. Borrowers are particularly attracted to new items or anything they do not own one of themselves.

Inspector Gadget

Horse is to low? Got a gadget for that. Horse is too high in the head and neck? Got a gadget for that. Horse needs to be more forward / less forward/ more engaged / more on the contact - inspector gadget usually has something in their tack chest of gadgets and bits to solve any problem. In some cases it may appear that money spent on gadgets may have been better invested in lessons.

The Shopaholic

The shopaholic always NEEDS something for them or their horse which will fund a trip to the tack store which will in turn lead to them finding more things they NEED. The shopaholic feels uneasy when they are not spending money and will often be seen panic buying as a shop is closing. Shopaholics have little self-control, cannot resist a bargain and are usually unsafe to allow to shop online unsupervised. All shopping activity should be banned after two alcoholic drinks because at this point the shopaholic will have lost all impulse control. The shopaholic will usually have items that they forgot they bought and items that are very similar to something they just bought another of. They also maintain a mental wish list of must have luxury items.

The Hoarder

This person still has the head collar belonging to their first pony, the first rug they ever bought and every bit they have ever used. Their home resembles a tack shop and hoarded items will occupy any unused space. Extreme hoarders will also have kept every dressage test sheet they have ever gotten in dressage and every rosette they ever won. They are very handy if you ever need a loan of something and a great resource to the borrower.

The Pushy Parent

The parent wants the child to ride. The parent has bought the pony, the tack and every other item the pony and child could possibly need. The parent obsesses about the child’s progress and results. The parent will spend any amount on lessons and coaching for their little future Olympian. The child would rather be playing candy crush and has no interest what so ever in horses.

The Overhorsed

Rider has spent several thousands on a horse which can jump grand prix height, is sharp as a tack and confident over fences. Rider is petrified of horse, has no idea what aids to apply, can barely jump a novice course and would have been best to spend several thousand on lessons.

The Hunter

Will gallop at speed across all sorts of cross country terrain. Has no fear of jumping six feet wide gaping holes in the ground and five bar gates yet shudders at the thoughts of jumping poles and completing a dressage test.

The Daredevil

Will ride and jump hands free, stirrup free, sideways and sense free. Has no fear.

The Alternative

Has a natural, alternative or herbal concoction and remedy for any aliment known to human or horse.

The Fashionista

Always immaculately dressed in expensive modern equestrian brands. Favours white jods (that seem to somehow stay white), expensive leather boots and brand name tops and jackets. Always surprisingly clean and neat despite being in a yard where mud and dust appear to adhere to everyone else.

The Country Lady

Long wax coats, pearl earrings and wide brimmed hats. The country lady has a penchant for elegant tweeds and exquisite tailoring, loves well-made brown leather goods, lives in country field boots, is obsessed with anything vintage and would not be seen dead wearing a non neutral colour on a horse.

The Non Horsey Other Half

Usually found sat in the car or wandering around the yard looking bored. Often confused by the fact that they came to the yard for a short trip to ‘check on the horses’ and are still there three hours later.

The Fussy Groom

Owns every grooming item known to man, some of which you can’t identify. Measures out the width of plaits. Sews in plaits. Frets about stray hairs on the horse and crooked clipping lines.

The Eternal Optimist

Tries to convince themselves of the best of every situation in the belief that this will also convince others. “Well we had four down and I fell off but he was BRILLIANT”

The Cash Flasher

Attempts to replace experience and knowledge with spending and money. Want to jump higher? Buy a horse that jumps higher. Need more experience? Buy loads of lessons. Position needs work? Buy a new saddle. Horse not going well? Buy a new horse.

The One with a Horse with ‘Potential’

It used to be a young horse with big potential and no actual. Then it was a green horse with lots of potential and no actual. Now it’s a middle aged horse with no actual but the owner is still hanging their hat on the potential. owner will celebrate every little victory and see one day of success as making up for months of torment and bad behaviour.

The Monica

Cannot cope without plans and lists. Immediately jumps into planning mode at the thoughts of any outing. Will maintain to do lists, what to bring lists and will use spreadsheets to create timetables around anything and everything. If going to a show with a Monica be aware that everything from toilet breaks to plaiting will be scheduled with a time allowed. On the plus side the Monicas can make perfect travel partners as they are never late and always have everything you need with them. May clash with the scruff and the latecomer

The Latecomer

Incapable of being on time, terrified of being early. The latecomer lives life on the edge and will barely make it on time for competitions, leaving the yard or lessons. Most likely to forget vital items when leaving the yard as this person will never have a plan, weeps at the thought of making a list and is always rushing around. Always best to just tell the latecomer to be there half an hour before you need them.