If you’re like me, American and often jobless, you probably don’t have any health insurance. If you’re lucky (or unlucky) enough to be Canadian, then go ahead and skip this article. Go for a walk in your non-violent neighborhood, then toss a looney in a fountain and wish for spring to arrive early. This article is only for those of us who are white-knuckling their way through a world full of possible injuries and deadly viruses.

I’ve gone without health insurance for about eight years now. I’ve had “catastrophic insurance” for a few periods here and there, but this only covers you if you almost die. A program like this won’t help you out if you get the sniffles, or a rash on your junk. The only way you can get treated for your mild ailments when covered by catastrophic insurance is to either allow things to reach life-threatening status. So if you want to get some antibiotics for that cold, you’re going to have to let it turn into pneumonia. Probably better just to find a way to treat the cold before it potentially kills you. My combination of family remedies, handed down over generations and frontier medicine may help you out. However, in case you’re kind of retarded, let me remind you that Holy Taco can not be held responsible for anything bad that may happen if you follow my advice. Believe it or not, none of us are actually doctors.

Catch a cold? Maybe you shouldn’t have gone home with that runny-nosed floozy you met at Applebee’s! We all know that there’s no cure for the common cold, but you should let it pass quickly before it turns into some violent shit. First of all, don’t go into work. This should not be a problem for you, because if you don’t have health insurance, I’m assuming you don’t have the kind of job where they fire you for calling off. Lime and garlic are recommended natural remedies so grab a case of corona, a lime or two, and a pizza with extra garlic. Call off of work for two days, drink the Corona with the lime, and gorge yourself on the smelly pizza. Call off of work for a third day as well because your cold will be gone but you may be hung-over and bloated.

If you’ve got diarrhea, go ahead and call off of work again. You’ll eventually run out of excuses to give your co-workers when they ask you why you keep getting up to go to the bathroom, or why you’re making that weird, contorted frump face. Then, eat an entire brick of cheddar cheese, and wash it down with some Gatorade to replace the electrolytes you’ve been “ejecting”.

If you have the flu, you have to be really careful here. Make sure you’re getting rest and eating bananas. Watch your body temperature. I once had a fever of 104 degrees Fahrenheit for three days in a row. I was later told that fevers that high for that long can cause hallucinations and eventually brain damage. Had it not been for Abraham Lincoln and that talking panda bear, I may not have made it through.

I’m Canadian, our so called “free” healthcare is far from free. For every dollar I spend, 28% is taken as income tax right off my paycheck, when I purchase anything, I pay 13% provincial and federal tax (HST), not to mention all the bullshit hidden taxes and duties, free healthcare…PFFFFTTT!