Yea,
I know that death permanently ends the physical presence of a loved one. Then, mourning and grief assume their place,
and no reversal is possible.

Suicide
loss is different than other deaths. The
means and circumstances surrounding the death violate the natural order of
things.

"Why"
births, assumptions, speculations, and theories aimed at responding to that
unanswerable question. This process runs
in unpredictable cycles. Either
countless dead-ends or emotional exhaustion will halt the search temporarily. Yet it will restart with the slightest,
trigger.

The
truth is always "I don't know," yet the question will come to life,
again.

As
years have slipped away, I have come to think of it as a treadmill. You commence to walk or run until exhausted,
and step off. You find you are right
where you started.

It
makes no difference how convinced a survivor becomes (of the fruitlessness of
this search routine) it happens. Human nature is to find an explanation.

At
the conclusions of a physical exercise routine, you will be tired and maybe
sore the next day. But you can become
stronger as time moves along.

If
you exercise the "why" search routine, it will exhaust you as well.
However, this process can make you emotionally stronger. Both require appropriate rest periods.

Physical
and emotional exercise accomplished alone can work. But, when navigating uncharted waters, an
experienced pilot can help us reach the destination faster and with
confidence. Trial and error elongate the
trip and allow you to overlook critical satisfactions points along the way.

Another
common characteristic of human nature is to think we know and can do this all
by yourself. Just another factor that
allows many to remain stuck in grief. In
the end, each has the right to choose their path out of "THE pit."