Tired of Longing July 17, 2013

Though sometimes I feel like I have no good reason for being tired. I suffer from chronic laziness.

But, there’s only so many times you can take feeling like you’re moving forward only to be catapulted backwards.

I’m tired of girls being affectionate one day and then disappearing the next.

I’m tired of struggling to get an interview with a better job only to be told I’m not experienced, skilled, or just plain good enough. If I’m told anything at all, of course.

I’m tired of being told I’m argumentative when I’m only standing up for what I feel is right and truth.

I’m tired of knowing that sometimes I am the only one to blame for my low satisfaction with life.

I’ve recently met a group of friends that accept and encourage and support and love me like no group I’ve ever had. The only problem is that my interactions with them are entirely through screens.

For those familiar with the “5 Love Languages” I’m definitely a physical touch guy. This is not necessarily erotic touch. I appreciate a slap on the back from a guy almost as much as I do a caress from a woman (in different ways, of course, but they both make me feel good.)

This way of needing a close hug, squeeze of the hand, or even a playful punch in the arm makes it hard being away from people whom you love.

I long to feel the touch of Jesus. Not in a spiritual way, but in a physical way. I daydreamed earlier today about just walking around a lake with him. Our arms around each other’s shoulders, laughing and enjoying one another’s company. I need this. I ache for this. If not from Jesus, then from someone else who loves me strongly.

I am so tired of being lonely. Of hoping that someone is gonna be there to hold me and say everything will be alright. Tired of people telling e my dream job will be there “when i am ready” At least you still have the “hope” I’ve given up on that. I’m tired of being in a room full of people and still feeling alone. Tired of screwing up. Tired of thinking this might be the one, when it never is. Just tired of it all!

Kim, I know it’s hard. Sometimes having hope only to see it dashed against the rocks is worse than no hope at all. But, despite our loneliness and pain, we are loved with a love that is more ferocious than we can comprehend. It’s that love that keeps me going. Because if God, who knows all of my sin and filth and still loves me that much, I have to believe there’s at least a possibility that he created a human who could love me like that too.
Much love and prayers to you.

I wish I knew more to say than– exactly. Interacting with everyone via phone and computer is hard when you just want to physically be around them.

I admire- deeply admire- your courage in this post. It’s where I hope to end up after this challenge.

I also love your honesty about longing to feel Jesus’ touch. I long for that daily- hourly. Someone to hold on to when the tiredness is so overwhelming. The bit of wanting that from someone who loves you until you can have it with Him is touching and speaks volumes. I’ve never quite read anything like it.