A funny-smelling salve to sooth the aches and pains brought on by today's news.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Giant wooden yachts

A Facebook version of “The Price is Right” is scheduled to debut in June. It will carry a warning that Drew Carey yelling “Come on down!” does not mean you should push your head into the computer screen.

A new wave of volcanic ash from Iceland is causing flight delays and cancellations in Ireland and Scotland. Irish travelers are so upset, they’ve offered to appease the volcano by sacrificing with a virgin leprechaun.

Former "American Idol" contestant Ayla Brown, the daughter of Massachusetts Republican Sen. Scott Brown, is the newest contributor on the CBS “Early Show.” She’ll produce pieces focused on the show’s youth audience, so if she screws up CBS will only lose one viewer.

Authorities are still trying to figure out how Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad managed to board a flight while being on the government’s no-fly list. Maybe he was given preferential treatment because he was the only person on the flight without a huge carry-on bag.

A group of French lawmakers wants to repeal an old law passed in 1799 banning women from wearing trousers while outdoors in Paris. The only exception will be women waiting in line at outdoor drugstores to buy razors and shaving cream.

Three bank workers in Greece were killed during riots caused by that country’s banking crisis. As a precautionary measure, bankers on Wall Street are being advised to refuse gifts of giant wooden yachts.

Lindsay Lohan has been picked to play the lead in an independent movie about 1970s porn actress Linda Lovelace, the star of “Deep Throat.” To prepare for the role, Lindsay’s acting coach has her on a strict diet of nothing but pickles, bananas and Popsicles.

General Motors is recalling all Hummer H3s produced since the 2006 model year to fix a portion of the hood that can detach during driving. The detached hoods have been whacking Hummer owners in the forehead like a fist, causing them to scream, “What the hell was I thinking?”

The Coast Guard reports that BP has managed to cap one of three leaks at its deepwater oil well, but it’s not expected to reduce the overall flow of oil into the Gulf of Mexico. According to George W. Bush’s new memoir, a similar thing happened to him in elementary school when a teacher made him wear a thinking cap.

Now they’re planning to try and control the Gulf oil spill with a controlled burning. Because controlled burning works so well to reduce the danger of tobacco.

1 comment:

Welcome to Topical Rub!

Dr. Paul prescribes a daily dose of Topical Rub applied liberally or conservatively to where ever you hurt after the exertion of viewing the daily news, whether it be politics, sports, entertainment or just the unusual posing as reality. Topical Rub comes in two forms: short jokes for quick relief and selections from Paul's column "This Got Me Thinking" for long-lasting relief. Excerpts from Topical Rub are published by the New York Times Laugh Lines page, Huffington Post and other fine humor providers. For a custom batch of Topical Rub for your publication or web site, contact Paul at paulseaburn@earthlink.net or visit his web site www.humorhandyman.com.

About Me

Paul Seaburn is the head writer for 12th Street Jump, a jazz/blues/comedy show on KCUR in Kansas City and kcur.org. He was the head writer for "Taylor's Attic," an Emmy Award-winning family sitcom filled with zany puppets and original music for kids of all ages. DVDs are available on Amazon or at www.taylorsattic.com.
Paul is the former editor and writer for CapitalistBanter.com and contributor to nytimes.com and HuffingtonPost.com. He's written for Jay Leno, Dennis Miller, Bill Maher, many other comedians and speakers, "The Tonight Show," "Comic Stip Live," "Caroline's Comedy Hour" and numerous magazines and websites.