Chelsea Player Sent Off for Kicking Ball Boy – The Trial Begins

A few days ago, close to the end of a game, you, Eden Hazard, a soccer player with Chelsea Football Club, kicked a ball-boy in the ribs after he flopped down on the ball to waste time in an effort to help his team win the game. The boy writhes in agony in front of a national TV audience. Clamor and uproar ensue and save the children charities jump up and down in outrage. You are sent off for violent conduct! The police launch an investigation, the tabloid headlines blast the trumpet, and you are now in the dock of public opinion as an absurdist monster earning tens of thousands of dollars per week for kicking a ball around a field, and apparently kicking boys off of it.

Bring forward the witness –

I am a ball-boy. I flopped down on the ball to waste time so that my team, Swansea City, could win. My dad owns the club and I wanted him to be happy. I’d do anything for my dad. I wrote on my Twitter account that I was “king of the ballboys” and that I like to waste time by not giving the ball back to opponents fast enough. Everyone does it in soccer. I’m seventeen years old, five years younger than the accused but roughly the same size. I learned to cheat and waste time by watching players on the field do the same thing when they flopped around pretending to be hurt at the end of games. I was only doing my duty for my dad’s club. I now have many thousands of followers on Twitter.

Bring forward the character witness for Mr. Hazard – I’ve known Eden for many years. While his surname suggest a certain amount of danger, believe me when I say, you will not find a more honest man from Adam in the garden of…eh…well…in saying that, his disciplinary record is good, he has no reputation for being a sinner, you won’t find him on the end of a cigarette and a martini surrounded by ladies he has no recollection of meeting when asked about it the following day. Eden is a good lad. He made a mistake. The kid was being a jerk. Eden overreacted. No one was really hurt. They both apologized to each other after the game.

I will now read the verdict – Eden Hazard you have been found guilty for being stupid. I sentence you to being booed at every soccer ground in Britain for two years and two years of hard labor at the end of dumb jokes. Say sorry out loud to the kid!