If you are reading this blog right now, chances are you’re here for one of two reasons. Either you are googling Ico art, and were led to this page. If that’s that case, stop searching for Yorda pictures you creepy man-child. If you aren’t here for that, chances are you’re here for Diablo. It’s launch day, and I’m sure 99% of you are downloading Diablo 3 right now and are just looking for some last-minute info before you start battling demons. But this post isn’t for those people, it’s for the other 1%, those poor bastards NOT getting Diablo 3.

First, let me say how sorry I am. It’s a bitter pill to swallow knowing everyone else is logging in for the first time, all giddy and full of promise. Believe me, I know. Let me take you back 12 years.

June 29, 2000, a Thursday. It’s the summer before 12th grade, and I have no job so I’m fast asleep at the crack of noon. The phone rings. It’s my older brother calling to troll me while he’s installing Diablo 2. He holds the phone up to the speakers as the opening cinematic plays, laughs, and hangs up the phone, leaving me with my parent’s ancient PC and Diablo 1. So you know what I did? I played Diablo 1. I terrorized The Butcher and basically farmed Diablo for loot all day. I sucked it up. Which is my advice to you, 1%er.

Diablo 2 is just as awesome now as it was all those Thursdays ago. Let everyone else have their crashed servers (no line-waiting for Diablo 2), fancy graphics (IT’S ALL RAINBOWS), and real money auction houses (put that money in a 401k you boob), you’re about to play one of the greatest games of all time. Embrace it. Stylist is here for you, in fact, allow me to help you pick a class.

AmazonShe’s blonde. She shoots arrows and throws javelins. She wears golden armor. Blizzard really dug deep for this one. The ‘zon was a popular class because, along with the Sorceress, was a completely ranged attack class. Sorry ladies, no Briennes here. In one of the early versions of the game this class was hilariously overpowered due to a skill that would make the Magic Bullet Theory proud. Pierce gave your arrows a chance to continue through your target and Guided Arrow would find the nearest target without aiming, like a heat-seeking missile. When used together on a single target the arrow would pass through, do a 180, pas through again, do a 180, and so on. Yeah. Needless to say, I cheesed my way through the entire game this way once.

AssassinShe kicks things. A lot. She’s like that soccer player you know in high school that was just a little too into it and always kicking something between classes. To be fair, this class actually had a pretty cool mechanic. You charged up powers by punch and kicking things and released them with a finishing move. Depending on when you released the charge, different things would happen, something you would freeze the target, sometimes poison it. You could mix and match if you were quick, like setting your target on fire while electrocuting it. She also uses Wolverine-like wrist-blades. Really, what’s not to like.

BarbarianHit things. Hard. Wreck monsters, loot their body, AND THEN LOOT THEM AGAIN. Seriously, there’s a skill that allows you to search a corpse twice. Find that sword that goblin has hidden in his guts somewhere, you’ve earned it!

DruidMake friends with a grizzly bear, then become a were-bear. Pal around with your new friend and maul faces, sit on your bear-ass and laugh when monsters try to hurt you because you have 20,000 health. Bears rule.

Necromancer
Corpse Explosion, fuck yeah. Kill something, explode its corpse which kills everything around it, explode their corpses, and so on. This is the best skill in any game ever. Oh, and you get to roll with a gang of skeleton warriors and mages. And a golem made out of mud, flesh, iron, or flame. Basically, this class stepped right our of a Cradle of Filth music video.

PaladinThis is a strange class. Two whole skill trees are dedicated to auras, which are passive bonuses, like adding fire damage or more armor, to you and everyone in your party. The thing is, you can only have one aura active at a time, which usually lead to you picking one and just leaving it on all the time. If you have your heart set on being God’s warrior, then I guess you could go for Holy Hammer, which is this bizarre skill that sends magical flying hammers around the screen. It’s kinda boring and silly. I guess what I’m saying is if you pick this class, you should probably just be playing Angry Birds instead.

SorceressFreeze, burn, or electrocute everything you see. Command the elements, like all of Captain Planet’s posse rolled into a chick with a wand. Not much to say, other than it’s your classic wizard class.

So that’s it, pick your class, enjoy a 12-year-old game, and become a message-board warrior complaining that World of Warcraft ruined Diablo 3. Troll everyone you can. Who cares? You’re not playing it.

And remember, I’m in your corner. As I log into Diablo 3 for the first time today, I’ll be thinking of you, 1%. Godspeed. Say hello to Pindleskin for me.