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Dealing with loss and grief is never easy. It’s a process that takes time, even for the people actively engaged in moving forward. The slowness often frustrates the people around us, who want us to move on and “put the past in the past.” These comments can only make someone feel worse.

In terms of taking time off to heal, the Bahá’í Writings tell us:

There is no object in over-taxing your will power and strength by forcing yourself to do things for the Cause. You should let your mind rest in the thought of the infinite love, Mercy and Forgiveness of Bahá’u’lláh, and cease to fret about whether you are or are not doing your share until you fully recover your health. (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 282).

You should have no doubt that the completion of any act of service is contingent on one’s health and well-being, and you are urged to let go of the misconception of failure you have been carrying. In the course of life, unforeseen circumstances occur that can interfere with the achievement of our goals. This is part of life in this world and must not be regarded as a dereliction of duty. (Universal House of Justice to an individual, 12 January 2010)

In the middle of my despair, when I was feeling worse for not being able to work, the House of Justice lovingly told me:

You are encouraged to follow the advice of your therapist in regard to the absences which you should take from your employment in order to facilitate your healing from the trauma you experienced in the past. The time taken away from work beneficial to society would doubtless be more than compensated for by the increase in effectiveness with which you will be able to perform such functions when your healing is more advanced. (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, 22 December, 1992.)

And with regards to taking absences from the Bahá’í community, and feeling guilty for failing to participate in Bahá’í activities, they told a friend of mine:

You have asked what to do since psychological problems sometimes make it difficult for you to participate in community events and Assembly meetings. In striving to follow the Teachings and the best medical advice you can obtain, you will want to remember that the healing you do now is an investment that will enable you to better serve in the future. Ideally, you would combine concentrating on healing with avenues of service which do not interfere with it. (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, 23 October, 1994.)

Even Shoghi Effendi had to take time off to heal his broken heart!

Shoghi Effendi had to take a “leave of absence” from his job “under the weight of sorrows and boundless grief” until “by the grace of God, having gained health, strength, self confidence and spiritual energy” he was able to return. (Ruhiyyih Rabbani, The Priceless Pearl, p. 42.)

Many times when Shoghi Effendi was intensely distressed, I saw him go to bed, refusing to eat or drink, refusing to talk, rolled under his covers, unable to do anything but agonize, like someone beaten to the ground by heavy rain; this condition sometimes lasted for days, until forces within himself would adjust the balance and set him on his feet again. He would be lost in a world of his own where no one could follow. (Ruhiyyih Rabbani, The Priceless Pearl, p. 45.)

And ‘Abdu’l-Bahá approved!

We also have a Tablet of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá addressed to Shoghi Effendi, expressing His concern about his health, but at what period it was written I do not know: He is God! Shoghi Effendi, upon him be the glory of the All-Glorious! Oh thou who art young in years and radiant of countenance, I understand you have been ill and obliged to rest; never mind, from time to time rest is essential, otherwise, like unto ‘Abdu’l-Bahá from excessive toil you will become weak and powerless and unable to work. Therefore rest a few days, it does not matter. I hope that you will be under the care and protection of the Blessed Beauty. (Ruhiyyih Khanum, The Guardian of the Bahá’í Faith, p. 7)

In their impatience for us to “get over it”, sometimes people say we need to forgive and not judge. Of course this is true! It’s just not helpful, nor does it take into account the time needed to heal. The House of Justice wrote this to a friend who was struggling with the judgements of the Bahá’í community around her:

Experience seems to suggest that the healing process can often be a lengthy and stressful one requiring the close guidance and help of trained professionals. Advice given by well-meaning believers to the effect that you should seek to transcend psychological problems does not qualify as competent advice on what is essentially a medical issue. (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, 23 October, 1994)

The purpose of life is to know and love God, and God sends each of us tests uniquely designed for this purpose. Often it involves separating us through others through death, divorce or estrangement. Where we once relied on others for love and support, we have no choice but to turn to God if we don’t want to stay stuck or turn bitter. This takes time!

Another purpose of life is to acquire the virtues we will need in the next world. This is a full time job, which requires all of our care and attention. If we are busy trying to improve the quality of someone else, we are losing a chance to improve ourselves, as Shoghi Effendi describes:

If we allow our attention and energy to be taken up in efforts to keep others right and remedy their faults, we are wasting precious time. We are like ploughmen each of whom has his team to manage and his plough to direct, and in order to keep his furrow straight he must keep his eye on his goal and concentrate on his own task. If he looks to this side and that to see how Tom and Harry are getting on and to criticize their ploughing, then his own furrow will assuredly become crooked. (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 92)

One of the hardest virtues to develop (and possibly one we will need the most in the next world!) is patience.

Great love and patience are needed towards new believers, especially those who have come from very troubled backgrounds. (From a letter written by the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer July 22, 1981).

I’d like to close with a story that illustrates this (author unknown):

A man spent hours watching a butterfly struggling to emerge from its cocoon. It managed to make a small hole, but its body was too large to get through it. After a long struggle, it appeared to be exhausted and remained absolutely still.

The man decided to help the butterfly and, with a pair of scissors, he cut open the cocoon, thus releasing the butterfly. However, the butterfly’s body was very small and wrinkled and its wings were all crumpled.

The man continued to watch, hoping that, at any moment, the butterfly would open its wings and fly away. Nothing happened; in fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its brief life dragging around its shrunken body and shrivelled wings, incapable of flight.

What the man – out of kindness and his eagerness to help – had failed to understand was that the tight cocoon and the efforts that the butterfly had to make in order to squeeze out of that tiny hole were Nature’s way of training the butterfly and of strengthening its wings.

What’s been your experience with taking time to heal; or watching helplessly as others heal? Post your comments here:

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About The Author

Susan Gammage is a Bahá’í-inspired author, educator and researcher with a passion for finding ways to help people apply Bahá'í principles to everyday life situations so they can learn to "live the life". She has published hundreds of articles and many books and nothing gives her greater pleasure than working on a whole lot more. She is blessed to be able to live in one of the most beautiful parts of Canada.
To hire her as a life coach: https://susangammage.com/shop or to contribute to the costs of developing and maintaining the site:
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8 Comments

Dear Susan, I really appreciate these quotes. I’m going through a healing journey and it is not proceeding quickly enough to suit me. However I am choosing to affirm that it is going at just the right pace, and that I am being recreated through this process. It helps to know that I can step back from Baha’i activities when needed. Another quote I like along these lines is:

“…you should not neglect your health, but consider it the means which enables you to serve. It, the body is like a horse which carries the personality and spirit, and as such should be well cared for so it can do its work! You should certainly safeguard your nerves, and force yourself to take time, and not only for prayer and meditation, but for real rest and relaxation….”
(In a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 23 November 1947 to an individual believer)

Lynne Star

December 30, 2013 at 3:57 pm ·

In thinking further about this wonderful compilation you have written Susan, I did not mention in my past post how deeply comforted I felt when I reread your discussion about when people are unable to attend Feasts and the like, due to health and/or psychological issues. This is because I have not attended Feasts for most gatherings for about three years. This was all for good reason, as follows:

I needed to deal with my own abuse issues and surround myself with understanding and healthy people. Sadly, I did not find that understanding in my Baha’i community (nice people but they did not have maturity to deal with such issues), and to compound things, I had suffered from being in malfunctioning communities for over 20 years and dealing with very serious and situations, some of which involved the mishandling of abuse issues in the community. Consequently, I felt it was time to take a break!

Unfortunately some of my closest Baha’i friends have chided me for not attending meetings and I have backed off from them because try as I might to tactfully explain that I can’t attend right now, they did not get the message and would invite me to things etc., and find ways to “encourage me to attend things,” as if I were doing something wrong. Furthermore, before this time, I attended many Feasts and even Assemblies where the issue of “inactive” believers came up, i.e., people who did not attend Baha’i Feasts or other events. The friends at these meetings would often assume that such believers were immature and that there was a low priority, if any, placed on dealing with these individuals. However, I ask myself “how did they know that the supposedly ‘inactive’ person was not teaching the Faith in his or her own way?” Sometimes hurt feelings can cause such inactivity, and telling them to “just forgive and forget” is not a sufficient tool for such a person to heal or want to attend meetings again. Unlike ‘Abdu’l-Baha, many of us, including me, are not able to “forgive instantly,” try as we might. It is something to strive for, but I have not walked in the shoes of someone else, so how do I know that they aren’t working hard to try to forgive and/or to heal? Such thoughts are lost on those who judge people for not attending things.

Furthermore, at this point, were I to attend something in the future, I dread the possibility of any of the friends walking up to me and saying something like “Oh, I really missed you!, etc.” If they missed me so much, why couldn’t they pick up the phone and call me?

Interestingly, the few people that have reached out to me would have done so more often but their own hard lives prevented that, and this was clearly enough communicated to me that I didn’t feel uncomfortable talking with them.

In the situation I have just described, and in similar situations, it feels like the person not attending Feasts, etc. is being judged and/or punished when I/they hadn’t done anything really wrong (as the quotes written in your article indicate). So once more, I feel unfairly punished or judged, a situation I have also run across in being an abuse survivor!

Although this is my problem, and nobody elses, I believe my feelings are understandable: Part of the PTSD I have as a result of abuse can be triggered by something that reminds me of that horrific past, even if the current treatment was not nearly as severe or cruel as was initially experienced. It strikes me that the Universal House of Justice (House) and Shoghi Effendi are/were fully aware of this.

Another excellent example you provide, is when you describe how Shoghi Effendi felt when intensely distressed (for example in dealing with friends who were hurting and suffering as a result of the cruelty of others). He got so sick and he was bedridden! This is also something that I can relate to. However, if I were to voice that a Baha’i meeting, I would not necessarily receive such a supportive answer.

Once I was at Baha’i a meeting during a time when I was undergoing cruel ostracism from my biological family as a result of exposing a serious problem of incest. We were discussing the cruel things that there own family members did to Central Figures of the Faith like ‘Abdu’l-Baha and Shoghi Effendi. I was so moved that I loudly proclaimed that I could totally identify with that. The facilitator became quite angry with me and screamed out that I could not have suffered as terribly as they or the Persian believers did, and I was strongly remonstrated for comparing my suffering to theirs. Needless to say, I ended up in tears. How could she know anything about my suffering if she hadn’t experienced it for herself? Often, when I read about the unfair suffering of Baha’is for things they said or did, I identify with the situations and/or feelings. This does not necessarily mean that I felt the same pain as did the heroes of our Faith, but nonetheless, the situation was painful to me and I believe that counts for something. Such a situation arose when I was at study circle and we were talking about teachings related to the Baha’is being of comfort and support to the oppressed. I spoke up and said something like how that really related to situations of abuse. Well, I had already mentioned how several things pointed out in the class had reminded me of abuse. Furthermore, I was at a time in my recovery where I was trying to get past the painful things that were done to me in the past. One way to do so is to talk about what happened. However, on this occasion, somebody snapped at me about talking about abuse one more time/too often in the class. I fell apart and showed my hurt feelings. Fortunately, the person had expressed being upset by what I said apologized for hurting me and said he had had not attended to so so. Several months later, I found out that he was dealing with his own abuse issues, and I figure that at that time, it was hard for him to be reminded of his own suffering. Nobody else in the class comforted me. As I recall, there might have been some discussion about what was appropriate to share in the study circle. That was definitely not what I needed! Eventually I decided I would not attend another study circle in my area unless it was taught by a trustworthy person who had a record of being supportive to those who had been abused or showed some understanding of these sorts of issues.

A few years later, I was approached on the internet by a person who was well versed in Ruhi Book 6 which, as we recall, is about Teaching the Faith. When we were talking and she mentioned her insights about Teaching/Book 6, I didn’t understand much of what she was talking about! I decided that I needed to redo the whole book and asked her if she would be my tutor. For almost a year, we called each other weekly to do our Book 6 study. We found all kinds of practices we could do, based on what we were reading, and a host of other information that I had completely missed the first time I took the book! We named our class “Recovery Ruhi” and we talked at length about any recovery issue we wanted to talk about. It was a wonderful class for both of us, and we remained teaching partners. We still call each other on a weekly basis.

I have often thought that receiving understanding from the Friends and Institutions of the Faith has a great potential for healing. In a different area than where I currently live, there was one community whose LSA supported people who were having a hard time. I was in early incest recovery and asked that Assembly to pray with me. They set a time for me to come, I drove quite a distance to get to the meeting, and the first thing we did was have short introductions and briefly mentioned what we were praying for. Then each of us read a prayer while the others listened reverently. After prayers were completed, the LSA invited me to have cake and coffee with them. It was so warm and loving; I will never forget their kindness, and it is one of the things that has kept me committed to remaining active in the Faith.

I love the part of your post where you said:

“One of the hardest virtues to develop (and possibly one we will need the most in the next world!) is patience.

‘Great love and patience are needed towards new believers, especially those who have come from very troubled backgrounds.’ (From a letter written by the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer July 22, 1981).”

Certainly, the above quote applies to much of what I have been writing about in this post. I think it is a good quote for us to memorize, so that we can refer to it when talking about how to deal with inactive believers or those who have psychological and/or behavior problems.

Another aspect of promoting healing is referred to in your story of the butterfly. Out of kindness, it is easy to become codependent and try to “fix” the other person. However, what is needed is for the suffering person to be given the tools needed in order to be actively involved in their own healing. This strikes me as one of the best ways to heal. Another skill that relates to promoting healing involves patience and kindness. This is the skill of being a good listener. Many specialists who write about ways to help those who are grieving or healing from abuse (survivors) have stated that the survivor will often need to talk about their experience again, and again, and yet again. If they patiently listen to the survivor, without complaining about this sort of repetitive sharing, the survivor often not only feels comforted, but finds a way to process their grief and begin to move on. This sort of listening is comforting while not being co-dependent. Much like ‘Abdu’l-Baha demonstrated, great patience, compassion and understanding is needed to be a good listener.

Thank you Susan, for providing us with teachings and discussion that are of great assistance in dealing with life issues. I also want to thank everyone else for sharing and letting expressing an opinion about the important information in this article.

Thank you for these wonderful insights. Sometimes it takes time to get past the grief of losing (or at least feel like your are losing) a loved one. I don’t think you can set a time table for grief. On the other hand, you can do things to enrich your life while you are grieving. My teaching partner says that you can “teach through your problems;” the problems still won’t go away all at once, and you do need to deal with them, but that doesn’t stop you from teaching and being of service to others.

The following quote from Baha’u’llah reminds us that things will change/work out eventually, despite current suffering:

One night, in a dream these exalted words were heard on every side: “Verily, We shall render Thee victorious by Thyself and by Thy Pen. Grieve Thou not for that which hath befallen Thee, neither be Thou afraid, for Thou art in safety. Erelong will God raise up the treasures of the earth—men who will aid Thee through Thyself and through Thy Name, wherewith God hath revived the hearts of such as have recognized Him.”—Epistle to the Son of the Wolf, pp. 20–21.

We can be comforted by the fact that God grieves. As The Bab said: “Fear ye God and commit not that which would grieve His heart, nor be of them that have gone astray.”–Selections from the Writings of the Bab, p. 166.

In the book, Unfolding Destiny, Shoghi Effendi, is quoted several times, expressing his grief at the loss of someone that he really cared about. An example of this is as follows: “GRIEVE TRAGIC LOSS PRAYING FERVENTLY BEHALF DEPARTED. –Feb 20, 1952, letter to an individual believer.

Somehow, in spite of our grief, which is understandable, it is demonstrated that in thinking about it, some really good things will occur. For example, in Promulgation of Universal Peace, page 47, ‘Abdu’l-Baha is quoted, about the sinking of the Titanic: “it was a very sad occurrence, one which brought tears to many eyes and distress to many souls. I was greatly affected by this disaster. Some of those who were lost voyaged on the Cedric with us as far as Naples and afterward sailed upon the other ship. When I think of them, I am very sad indeed. But when I consider this calamity in another aspect, I am consoled by the realization that the worlds of God are infinite; that though they were deprived of this existence, they have other opportunities in the life beyond…:

About the tribulations of ‘Abdu’l-Baha when his biological family treated him so cruely, Shoghi Effendi says, ” As you can well imagine this disaffection of the Master’s Family has been a very sad and heavy blow to him; but, although for many years he shielded them with his silence, in the end he was forced to speak out in order to protect the Faith. “–Lights of Guidance, Vol. 1, p. 149.

And, when “Abdu’l-Baha suffered tremendously from the cruelty of his family and other “believers,” he learned how to cope and shared His wisdom with others, as follows: “Be thou not unhappy; the tempest of sorrow shall pass…If the friends and relatives are keeping themselves at a distance from thee, be thou not sad, for God is near to thee. Associate thou, as much as thou canst, with the relatives and strangers; display thou loving kindness; show thou forth the utmost patience and resignation…” ‘Abdu’l-Baha, Tablets of Abdul-Baha Abbas, pp. 557-558.

A common theme is that beauty and optimism can help a person cope with sadness [or grief]. “But the beauty of truth remains, and I cling to it through all the vicissitudes of a life become rather sad…” Shoghi Effendi, God Passes By, p. 393.

Another similar theme is to think of something positive to cope with sadness: Shoghi Effendi, Letter to an Individual Believer, April 25, 1941, in Arohanui: Letters from Shoghi Effendi to New Zealand, p. 63.

I appears that we are enjoined not to be “stuck” in our grief, knowing that eventually such feelings will pass. Thus, we may continue to grieve for an undetermined amount of time but we have good ways to cope. Prayer and meditation are other tools used by the Central Figures of our Faith and other Baha’i friends.

Farida

November 21, 2012 at 3:19 am ·

Dear Susan, thank you immensely for this article! It is so refreshing to read this small compilation on healing and creating balance in ones life. I am sure it will be of great help to many! Much love.

Ralph C De Freitas

November 18, 2012 at 1:33 am ·

I would like to express my appreciation for the work you have done here. i have never before come across anything so thorough from a Baha’i perspective. I hope to learn more about you and your work, and hopefully your advice some day.

Thanks for your encouragement and suggestion, Nona! I don’t understand what you’d like to see changed around the butterfly story. In my mind, it’s a perfect example why you can’t fix an abuse survivor (or cut the cocoon to free the butterfly); nor can you speed up the process (the butterfly will emerge, ready to fly, on its own time, and after a struggle); and that it takes effort (for both the butterfly and the survivor). How did you understand it?

Nona S.

November 12, 2012 at 1:10 am ·

This is a wonderful article which will help many people who need to take a “time out” from previous commitments (such as working at a job, attending regular community meetings, and the like). I believe the part of this article with the butterfly story may need a little more thought. I sense that some important ideas about healing can be generated by the sort of dialog that is taking place here.

Note: The materials on this site reflect the current understanding of Susan Gammage from her experience in the Bahá’í community and as a Bahá’í-inspired researcher/author. They do not represent an official interpretation of the Bahá’í Writings. They are simply offered as an educational resource for Bahá’ís to consider as they strive to understand and implement the Writings into their lives, institutions and communities. Any questions about the application of certain quotes to your own particular situation should be directed to the Bahá’í institutions. Official websites include www.bahai.org (international); http://www.ca.bahai.org/ (Canadian) and http://www.bahai.us/ (American).