the nightmares are back...

all the nightmares are coming back...and i cant stop them..i have tried everything..the only thing i could do is drink to pass out again...for once i thought they were all gonna be gone..the nightmares, the memories, seeing something and remembering the worst...watching tv and not burst out in tears when i heard the word rape...but its all coming back to me..the pain is here to haunt me again...

is it because i asked god for revenge and he gave him cancer? is it because i feel some guilt for his turn in suffering and in pain like i was? or watching her seeming him like that and not being able to do anything like she didn't do anything to help me? she knew what was going on and didn't stop it? stuck by his side at all costs...

or is it the fact that she is going on mdication to cope with everything that has happened...does she finally feel the guilt of not stepping in and putting an end to everything?
or is it becuase he called me, for the first time in awhile, telling me to come back home, but not hearing the apology i have been longing to hear?

its all coming back to me..the nights i thought i was safe..the nights i thought would just stop ..the nights i had to imagine i was somewhere else and tighten my eyes so much! the nights i learned not to fight back because it got the worst of me..

its all coming back...im falling apart again and i don't know what to do...
the cutting is coming back, the taste for alochol is coming back, the avoiding m boyfriend sometimes becuase im too afraid of having sex with him or the days i try to have sex with him as much as i can to remember that it can feel good, that he actuall does love me and its because we are in love..

i have crawled into the black hole again..and this time..i don't think i could survive and crawl back out