Thursday, November 16, 2006

and the truth comes out

So he didn't just magically fall out of love with me one day. It all makes sense now. He started talking to his highschool sweetheart again about 6 months ago. I was upset at first, but decided I was being silly because I knew he loved me, so I let them talk, and I didn't interfere. It was hard, but I did it because I wanted to respect him and I didn't want to control him or suffocate him. I guess I should have been a bitch after all, because he's in love with her. I suspected all along, but he swore to me that it wasn't true. He says he feels something for her that he's never felt for anyone else. It all makes perfect sense now. Bastard. Why the hell couldn't he have told me this first so I could be mad and let him go instead of being hurt and desperate and unable to give up? All I want is my family back. The best part of it is that in 2 weeks when this pretend trial is over (and it really is pretend - he's making no effort at all) he is moving to Oregon. He's moving 400 miles away to be close to her, leaving his kids behind. He won't be there for them, won't be part of their daily lives. Why can't I just hate him so I can get this over with? Instead I feel like my life is over.

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When despair for the world grows in meand I wake in the night at the least soundin fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,I go and lie down where the wood drakerests in his beauty on the water,and the great heron feeds.I come into the peace of wild thingswho do not tax their lives with forethought of grief.I come into the presence of still waterAnd I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light.For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.