DR. MANAFORT'S GORGONZOLA

Item #: SCP-WOW-J

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-WOW-J is to be kept in a chilled containment area at Site-38, which must be kept at 0 degrees Celsius. Per request of Dr. Manafort, SCP-WOW-J is also to be contained by the world’s largest cock. Whether this is or is not a rooster is unimportant. SCP-WOW-J is not to be licked by a human being under any circumstance.

A continuous 24 hour live narration of SCP-WOW-J must be performed, in an exaggerated pirate accent, by a 'properly motivated' thespian.

The following instruction is to be followed on alternate Thursdays, and disregarded at every other time: Research shows that the containment of SCP-WOW-J is, in 100% of documented cases, directly conducive to the containment of SCP-WOW-J. In summary: If you do it right, and you don't fuck it up, it works. It just works.

Description: SCP-WOW-J is a statue of Verne Troyer (SCP-WOW-J is big if true) carved entirely out of gorgonzola cheese. If any person who has eaten any type of cheese apart from gorgonzola in the past 24 hours makes direct eye contact with SCP-WOW-J, all bodily fluids within a 1.6 kilometer radius will immediately transmute into Pepto-Bismol brand antacid. Any persons who have eaten gorgonzola cheese within the past 24 hours are immune to this effect, and will instead be teleported into the bathroom of the nearest US congressman. Current research has been unable to determine the source, age, or sculptor of the gorgonzola cheese statue. Foundation researchers assigned to SCP-WOW-J have reportedly been nauseated at the amounts of gorgonzola cheese they have been forced to consume. It is unknown why this occurs, but Dr. Manafort (or at least, his diet) is presumed to be responsible.

SCP-WOW-J was discovered at Paul's (that’s Dr. Manafort) house down the street from Site-19.

Addendum 01 - Dr. Manafort: It appears that Dr. Manafort is currently the only researcher at Site-38 to consume gorgonzola cheese at least once every 24 hours voluntarily. This, in conjunction with the discovery of SCP-WOW-J has led to Dr. Manafort’s questioning in relation to SCP-WOW-J.

Editor’s Note: I spilled Sprite and for some reason, it made it type this entire article when the keyboard broke, like a monkey on a typewriter type of thing. Just goes to show you that Sprite is the supreme beverage. Hell, I spilled some off-brand cola and it wrote SCP-3999, so there you go. Additionally, Spriteistheb. God/damm/it/my/space/bar/broke/again. First/broken/capslock/key/and/now/space/bars. I’m/filing/a/complaint.

Addendum 02: SCP-WOW-J was initially contained on March 2nd, 1999, following the manifestation of SCP-WOW-J-583829, a deep-fried giraffe scrotum 2.76 million light-years in diameter, two meters from the surface of Earth. The Foundation is sending probes to determine if SCP-WOW-J-583829 is tasty at all.