Toxic people can have a seriously damaging impact on your life. The first step to detoxing from their poisonous personality, is to recognize the warning signs of a toxic person. We all have encountered a toxic person in our lives. The damage they inflict can take a toll on our mental health, as well as […]

We all have encountered a toxic person in our lives. The damage they inflict can take a toll on our mental health, as well as our physical.

While most substances that are considered toxic have an immediate effect, toxic people are different. Their toxicity can take months to seep into your life, and the signs can be difficult to spot right away.

In order to help you stop the damage before it starts, here are 11 dead giveaways of a toxic person in your life:

1. They Never Have Anything Nice To Say

Sure, we all have someone who gets on our nerves or rubs us the wrong way, but a toxic person feels that way about everyone. Even people they have never met before. You could mention how talented your child’s new art teacher is, and they will immediately give you five reasons why they “aren’t so great.”

2. They Are Selfish And Disregard Your Feelings

Toxic people love to test your boundaries. In friendships and relationships, they will constantly put you in uncomfortable positions just to prove your loyalty. They will interrupt you when you’re speaking to the point of talking over you, and they will always expect you to change your plans to suit them whenever they need.

3. They Have No Compassion Or Empathy

Unless it suits them, of course. The only time you will see a tender, compassionate side of a toxic person is when they want something in return. It’s never genuine. Eventually you learn to be weary of their smiles and “kind-hearted” gestures.

4. When You Are Around Them, You Feel Unhappy

Toxic people suck the joy out of everything, including the people who choose to hang around them. When you spend time around one of these people, you start to feel your light fade, and your sparkle dims. Toxic friends and family members only want to be around others who join in on the ugliness and meanness, so if you find yourself struggling to play along, you should leave. No one needs to be around someone who brings out the worst in them.

5. They Have No Long Term Friends

Is there one person who really knows them? Or are all of their friends recently acquired? The truth always comes out in the end, and toxic people can’t wear their masks forever. If there’s not at least one person who has been in this person’s life for a while, and who can say they really know them, then they might be a toxic person.

6. They Attract And Spread Drama

Every day brings a new story of woe from these people. Toxic people seem to be incapable of avoiding drama, and they certainly spread it wherever they go. As author Hannah Martin writes, “you’ll often find that a toxic person thrives on drama, and will dwell excessively on any negative experience that befalls them – cementing their victimhood and sucking the positive energy from those around them.”

7. They Can Never Be Happy For Others

Did you finally get that promotion you worked so hard for? Did your loan get approved for the new house? Did you nail that three-tier cake you were worried about? Toxic people do not care about your accomplishments, and they will not share in your joy. In fact, they become bitter and jealous whenever anyone has something good happen in their life.

8. They Gossip About Everyone

So you know they talk about you too. Every chance they get, a toxic person will bring up “what they heard the other day,” or “something they saw.” Chances are, the version you hear is a twisted and inaccurate representation. The thing is, because they are always discussing others in such a negative way, you know that as soon as you leave, your name is the topic of choice with their next “friend.”

You might know the truth about something, and even if you confront them, you won’t get an honest answer from their lips. Toxic people are manipulative and they lie every chance they get. They will make up stories, and paint themselves as the victim whenever possible. Learn to take everything they say with a grain of salt.

10. They Never Take Responsibility For Their Actions

Professionals at placing the blame, a toxic person will never take responsibility for their own actions. They didn’t get this or that done because of someone else. It is always someone else’s problem, and if you are the one nearest to them at the time, it will be your fault. So it’s best to keep a distance.

11. You Feel Like You’re Stuck With Them

Even if you have thought about leaving a toxic person before, you might have hesitated. Toxic people have a way of making you feel like you are stuck with them, and can never leave. They are experts at manipulation, and you probably have mutual friends in common, which plants a seed of fear. What if they say horrible things about you? What if they convince others that you’re the bad guy?

Victims of abuse are not always covered in bruises. Many are never even touched at all. However, the offense is just as destructive. Emotional abuse damages the victim psychologically. They become confused, and they lose their sense of self. This can go on for years, since abuse is easier to deny and justify when there […]

Victims of abuse are not always covered in bruises. Many are never even touched at all. However, the offense is just as destructive. Emotional abuse damages the victim psychologically. They become confused, and they lose their sense of self. This can go on for years, since abuse is easier to deny and justify when there is no physical component.

Rediscovering their identity, making sense of their trauma, and regaining control of their life can take years. The first step in this journey is recognizing that there is a problem.

Here are four behaviors that constitute emotional abuse:

1. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a psychological tactic in which one partner causes the other to question their own perception of reality. They dismiss the victim’s emotions as over-sensitivity and paranoia. They challenge their memories of past events. They deny, avoid, and minimize their problems. They do this all with an unflinching air of confidence and compassion. Soon, the victim begins to doubt their very sanity. Once the gaslighter has dismantled their partner’s perception of reality, they are free to construct their own in its place.

2. Pushing Boundaries

This is a tricky one. When your boyfriend shows up at your work with flowers, it feels romantic. Then he starts dropping by unannounced for other reasons. Soon, he is popping into your life unexpectedly multiple times each week. You start to feel nervous, irritated, and maybe a little bit violated. Why does he feel the need to check in on you all the time? You bring it up with him, and he acts hurt. He guilt trips you. He may even accuse you of cheating on him. A partner who does not respect your boundaries does not respect you as an individual. They are trying to push you into co-dependence. Don’t let this happen. Protect your boundaries. Protect yourself.

3. Sneaky Insults

Those grades are great, for someone who isn’t really an academic. You had to stay late at work again? Haha, you know you barely make any money there, right? Congratulations on your weight loss. Keep it up and you’ll be as pretty as your sister! These insults may be disguised as humor, constructive criticism, or even compliments. However, they are designed to break you down. An abusive partner may try to justify these backhanded compliments. They may make you feel as though being upset about them is your own fault. You’re too sensitive. You can’t take a joke. A partner who makes you feel bad about yourself is abusive – end of story. Find one who builds you up instead.

4. Isolation

We are at our most vulnerable when we are alone. An abuser knows this. They will try to separate their victim from their support network. When you disconnect from friends and family, you become more dependent on your partner. This allows them to warp your perceptions, attack your self-esteem, and mold you into the doormat they are looking for. Don’t let this happen. Cling tight to the people who care for you. Listen to their concerns about your partner. Believe them when they tell you they love you. They want to see you happy and whole.

“The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man’s emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm,” explained Lundy Bancroft. Do not minimize or tolerate abusive behavior for its lack of physicality. If you are suffering in an abusive relationship, or if you know someone who is, seek help today.

It’s no secret that when people truly delve into topics like happiness and mental health, they often turn to the ancient teachings of minds far greater than ours. Wisdom, true wisdom that is, is an old thing. It’s something that develops over eons and lies in the dusty corners of our modern lives. Exploring the […]

It’s no secret that when people truly delve into topics like happiness and mental health, they often turn to the ancient teachings of minds far greater than ours. Wisdom, true wisdom that is, is an old thing. It’s something that develops over eons and lies in the dusty corners of our modern lives. Exploring the concept of happiness, I’ve found one of the long-lost principles that seems more important right now than ever:

If you want to truly be happy – you need to quit being offended by every little thing you encounter.

Now I know this doesn’t apply to everyone, but you have to admit that the trend of constantly being offended is more prevalent now than ever. It’s a disturbing trend on a spiritual and psychological level.

Remember, psychology translates to “study of the soul”. So how can one increase their level of happiness through the subtle art of not being offended?

It’s Not About You

One thing people really need to realize is that not everything in the universe is personal. If someone out there in the world says something you don’t agree with, that doesn’t mean they are speaking about YOU. They may be referring to something that resembles your situation – but they aren’t speaking about YOU. That person is speaking from their own unique point of view and even if you don’t agree with them, that does not mean that they are attacking you. It’s much simpler and healthier to just say, “That’s their opinion. Their perception is not my reality.”

Recognize Individual Experience not Personal Prejudice

To realize that everything said or written in the world is not a personal attack, we have to acknowledge that just as those people don’t know you or your situation – you don’t know theirs. Whatever it is that they said to offend you comes from their collection of experiences and beliefs. Their life leads them to their conclusion. Your life should lead you to being okay with their experience, not feeling hurt by it.

Extend Compassion not Objection

Just as it is with just about any other human interaction, kindness goes a long way. Instead of just flying off the handle and being offended by what someone says, try to understand things from that person’s point of view. Those experiences that lead them to their opinion may have been traumatic for that person. There may be a lot of pain in whatever that person says. They might just be ignorant and misinformed. No matter what the case is, keep in mind that we all react to things differently in our lives, for some their reaction isn’t good. How many times have you reacted purely out of instinct, simply to regret whatever you said later?

Just remember, in the end, we are all human and doing our best to get by. You’ll find that life is a lot easier when you give up on being offended by everything everyone says. Heck, you might even be offended by the fact that I’m telling you to quit being offended. That’s okay. I’m going to keep doing what I do, and I wish you the best. I will say I’ll probably be happier doing it, though.

Addiction. The dictionary definition is: “a physical or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, such as a drug or alcohol. In physical addiction, the body adapts to the substance being used and gradually requires increased amounts to reproduce the effects originally produced by smaller doses.” Seems pretty straightforward, right? If it is, though, why do we as a […]

Addiction. The dictionary definition is: “a physical or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, such as a drug or alcohol. In physical addiction, the body adapts to the substance being used and gradually requires increased amounts to reproduce the effects originally produced by smaller doses.”

Seems pretty straightforward, right? If it is, though, why do we as a society continue to be confounded by addicts’ behaviors and choices? Why do we continue to stigmatize addiction and addicts? Perhaps it’s because we really don’t fully understand addiction.

The most recent studies, however, have made leaps and bounds in this area to show conclusively that addiction is a disease of the brain, not a behavioral disorder.

“Our liquor was but a symptom.” (Alcoholics Anonymous p. 64)

This sentence was originally written by Bill Wilson, the co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, in the 1930s. It would seem that often, the people who truly understood addiction were, not surprisingly, the addicts in recovery. It wasn’t until 2011 when a massive study combining some 80 experts and four years of intensive research was released by the American Society for Addiction Medicine (ASAM) conclusively defined addiction as a clinical brain disorder. Bill was right, it turned out: liquor, (or pills, food, sex, gambling, etc.) is but a symptom of a chronic brain disease.

Backlash

Shortly after ASAM released its findings, scientists started challenging them. While some of the arguments postulated are interesting to ponder, none of them hold up under scientific scrutiny. The facts back up ASAM. As Dr. Michael Miller, former president of ASAM who oversaw the new definition, states, “At its core, addiction isn’t just a social problem or a moral problem or a criminal problem. It’s a brain problem whose behaviors manifest in all these other areas.”

The Constant Struggle

Whether it’s the guy living on the street and drinking out of a paper bag or the waiter at restaurant who seems a little unsteady on his feet or the college professor who goes home each day to drink to blackout every night, addicts are everywhere. The shame of living with an addiction is absolutely terrifying: you feel constantly guilty, constantly scared, you’re constantly in pain and your entire life is a complete and utter lie. You hear people say things like, “hey, maybe you should slow down a little,” or “I think you’ve had enough for the night” and you want to start screaming. How can they possibly know you can’t slow down, it will never be enough, and you will always, always need more? It seems like a never-ending battle.

A Chronic, Terminal, but Treatable Illness

As an alcoholic in recovery, one of the most helpful discoveries I made was along these exact lines: I am a sick person. As an addict you feel like a bad person or a corrupt person or a morally unfit person. The reality, however, is that we are just sick people. We have a disease, that disease is called addiction, and we need treatment for our illness. Not unlike a diabetic who needs insulin or a cancer patient getting chemotherapy, the only way our chronic, terminal disease is manageable is by rigorous treatment. It means probably a rather unpleasant detox, a lifetime of vigilance, possible setbacks (relapses), and a stable, solid support system.

My experience in recovery has been, however, that this illness can be treated. It will never be cured -I will always have alcoholism, and my disease rears its head occasionally in rather odd and ugly ways- but I haven’t had a drink for almost two years and prior to that I spent years drinking such quantities that doctors are amazed that I am still alive. I have an amazing support system and my world is bigger now than it ever was when I was drinking. My life now is a fairy tale, and if you told Drunk Dondi 3 years ago that it would look like this, she’d never believe you.

I have always maintained that the only way to really understand addiction is to become an addict (but I don’t recommend doing so). If, however, you’re struggling with a close friend or family member who is an addict or alcoholic, consider that they are just a sick person who needs treatment for their illness, and what you can do to perhaps help them onto the road to recovery. Sometimes, there’s very little you can do…but there are support groups out there to help you, too.

In the meantime, if the world could get a little compassion for us drunks and addicts, we’d sure appreciate it. Believe me, dealing with our illness is tough enough.

Altruism can be defined as acting selflessly towards our fellow humans for the greater good. And yes, science says it’s sexy. In an age that is supposedly overrun by Darwin’s survival of the fittest, a few acts of kindness can shift the balance for the greater good. A perfect example of altruism happened in a subway, in […]

In an age that is supposedly overrun by Darwin’s survival of the fittest, a few acts of kindness can shift the balance for the greater good.

A perfect example of altruism happened in a subway, in New York, on January 2, 2007, when a man named Wesley Autrey heroically saved a man from certain death.

This almost horrific incident occurred when Cameron Hollopeter, a 20 year-old film student, suffered a seizure on the platform. Autrey, who was nearby, assisted Hollopeter by using a pen to keep his jaw open. Following the seizure he stumbled off the platform and onto the tracks. As he lay there, Autrey, seeing the lights of the oncoming train, dove off the platform in an attempt to lift him back up.

There was no time for this, so he threw himself over Hollopeter’s body in a drainage trench. Amazingly, all five cars passed over both parties, and neither one was injured.

Autrey was asked why he did such a thing, and responded to The New York Times by saying, “I don’t feel like I did something spectacular; I just saw someone who needed help, and I did what I felt was right.”

Why does altruism make people happy?

No one understands the link between altruism and happiness better than ex bio-chemist turned Buddhist monk, Matthieu Ricard.

His time is devoted to humanitarian projects in India, Nepal and Tibet, and he has worked tirelessly for decades to help alleviate pain and suffering in the world.

He quotes Alexander Jollien in his book, Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life’s Most Important Skill:
“Altruism is like rings in the water when you toss a pebble. At first they are very small, then they get larger, and finally they embrace the entire surface of the ocean.” He goes on to say: “Altruism and compassion have the aim of spreading themselves as widely as possible. We must simply understand that our own well-being and the world’s cannot rest on indifference to the happiness of the other or on a refusal to care about the sufferings around us.”

When we show the world our truest form of selflessness and kindness, altruism arises.

In his 2004 TED Talk, The Habits of Happiness, Ricard says:
“Everyone knows deep within that an act of selfless generosity, if from the distance, without anyone knowing anything about it, we could save a child’s life, make someone happy. We don’t need the recognition. We don’t need any gratitude. Just the mere fact of doing that fills such a sense of adequation with our deep nature. And we would like to be like that all the time.”

The British Journal of Psychology has recently published research based on studies that have been conducted on approximately 800 participants, in which a team collected data with regard to their relationships and their tendencies to help others like donating to charity, helping classmates, helping the elderly cross the street, donating blood, etc.

The results were adjusted according to age and personality and “altruists were found to have greater success at dating and sex.” However, “it’s a more effective signal for men than for women. The study found that while altruism is a desirable quality among both genders, it affects men’s lifetime dating and sex partners more than women’s,” says Pat Barclay a University of Guelph Psychology professor.

But this isn’t new news, according to lead researcher of three studies of more than 1000 people, Dr. Tim Phillips, who states:

“For many years the standard explanation for altruistic behavior towards non-relatives has been based on reciprocity and reputation — a version of ‘you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours’. I believe we need to look elsewhere to understand the roots of human altruism. The expansion of the human brain would have greatly increased the cost of raising children so it would have been important for our ancestors to choose mates both willing and able to be good, long-term parents. Displays of altruism could well have provided accurate clues to this and genes linked to altruism would have been favored as a result.”
He goes on to conclude, “Sexual selection could well come to be seen as exerting a major influence on what made humans human.”

It looks like our “goodness” is what has kept us alive as a species for so long. Let’s hope that continues.

“It is necessary, and even vital, to set standards for your life and the people you allow in it.” ― Mandy Hale We all deserve respect and compassion in our relationships. However, some people settle for less than they deserve because they fear being alone, lack self-respect and self-love, or simply because they figure “this […]

“It is necessary, and even vital, to set standards for your life and the people you allow in it.” ― Mandy Hale

We all deserve respect and compassion in our relationships. However, some people settle for less than they deserve because they fear being alone, lack self-respect and self-love, or simply because they figure “this is as good as it gets.”

Trust me- you deserve to be treated in a way that makes your soul smile.

There are obviously going to be trying times in any relationship, but if any of these 8 things are a common occurrence, it’s time to move on.

1. Making hurtful or rude comments.

Mutual respect is vital in any type of relationship if it is to be a healthy one. It’s likely that there will be ups and downs, but if hurtful words or rude comments are the only response someone can offer when things get difficult, then they’re not the one for you. People who truly care about us do not wish to intentionally hurt us- neither emotionally nor physically.

2. Abusive behaviour.

Speaking of emotional and physical abuse, these two things should never be tolerated. No one deserves that. No one.

If you experience fear, trepidation when speaking, or feel unsafe around the person you are in a relationship with, then you need to get away as quickly as possible. There is nothing healthy or beneficial about having to hide a part of yourself to make someone else’s demons comfortable.

3. Lying, lying, lying.

When someone lies to you, they aren’t being authentic. And what’s the point of being with a fake person who you can never trust? Without trust, there is no foundation for a relationship to build upon. Essentially, it’s a hopeless endeavor that will only cause you pain and stress.

4. Controlling everything.

People who feel like they must control every aspect of your life, should have no place in it. If someone implies that they need to know where you are going and with who because they don’t trust you, and if you’ve given them no reason to feel this way, then they are being overly controlling. No one can live your life for you except you, yourself.

Andrea Bonior writes in Psychology Today, “Controlling people use a whole arsenal of tools in order to dominate their partners— whether they or their partners realize what’s happening or not. Whether controlling behavior leads to more severe emotional or physical abuse or not, it is not a healthy situation.”

5. Breaking promises.

It’s healthy to have some independence in the relationship, but every now and then, we need to be able to rely on the things our partner tells us. If they say they can do something, and we depend on them to follow through, they should do it. End of story. If breaking promises, folding on agreements, and canceling plans is something you regularly deal with, it’s time to see those traits for that they are- red flags.

6. Always putting you last.

People get busy. Schedules become packed. We run out of time to do the things we really want to get done. But that doesn’t mean that you should constantly accept second-place when it comes to your relationship. You deserve to be treated like a priority because, well, you should be one to the person who loves you. You are special and if someone doesn’t prioritize you in their life, then you don’t belong there.

7. Dismissing your dreams.

Our goals and dreams help keep us motivated and inspired to try new things, and grow as individuals. In our relationships, we should be able to confide in our partner and share our personal thoughts and desires. However there are some people who will try to undermine your success, are jealous of your progress, and will do anything but support you. You do not deserve someone like that. Find someone who will encourage you- not drain you.

8. Refusing to be held accountable for their own actions.

If they can’t take responsibility for something they do or say, they will never take you or your relationship seriously. No progress can be made if someone is unwilling to correct their toxic behaviour, and refusing to accept responsibility is pretty darn toxic. It ends up leaving you with every single burden to carry, alone, indefinitely. The mental anguish and stress you will go through isn’t worth it. You deserve to be with someone who will share everything with you- especially the responsibilities.

I understand relationships can be difficult at times, and none of us are perfect. But there are acceptable flaws, and unacceptable flaws.

We each deserve something better than the behaviours mentioned above, and if you are in a relationship with someone like this, it’s time to leave.

“If you expect life to be easy, challenges will seem difficult. If you accept that challenges may occur, life will be easier,” wrote Rob Liano. The media’s image of love can give us lots of dangerous ideas. The idea that true love should be easy is perhaps the most ludicrous and damaging one of them all. […]

“If you expect life to be easy, challenges will seem difficult. If you accept that challenges may occur, life will be easier,” wrote Rob Liano.

The media’s image of love can give us lots of dangerous ideas. The idea that true love should be easy is perhaps the most ludicrous and damaging one of them all. For my husband and I, love has certainly not always been easy. However, it’s in beating the obstacles that we continue grow together, love together, and become who we are as individuals and as a couple. Our marriage has been one of the best experiences of my life.Intelligence is sexy t-shirt ?!

I sincerely wish the same sense of challenge and victory for you.

Here are four of the biggest relationship obstacles – and some tips on how to overcome them:

1. Resentment

Resentment builds when we hold on to our anger rather than working through it. Often, we feel that, if we push it down with enough force, the problem will disappear entirely. Unfortunately, anger and fear only grow more powerful in the dark. When we do not address our feelings, they end up bubbling up in ways that are unfair to our partner. We might even end our relationship in a moment of anger, without even realizing why we are so upset in the first place.

Resentment can be overcome with honesty, courage, and communication. Examine your soul in a deep and thorough capacity. Draw out your anger, however painful it may be, and investigate it. Try to understand it. Look for the source. Share it with your partner. These feelings will not look as harmful or intimidating once you put them in the light.

2. Judgement

Criticism of yourself and judgement of others may seem like very different things. However, they come from exactly the same place. We judge and criticize when we fail to acknowledge that our sense of worth in the universe is inherent, unchangeable, and equal to everyone else’s. All too often, we doubt ourselves and feel unsure of our place in the world. This is when we look to outward marks of success to define ourselves and others – often in competition with one another. This invariably leads to unhappiness and insecurity.5 Ways to Build a Strong Intimate Relationship

We can fight the urge to judge ourselves and others by harnessing our capacity for compassion, humility, and understanding. Look to yourself and the people around you with the understanding that we are all human. We are all imperfect and in need of love. Make an effort to stay “right sized”. You are no bigger or smaller than anyone else. Their successes and failures do not have the power to diminish or to emphasize your own.

3. Shame

We have all done things that we are not proud of. Shame is insidious, because it serves as fuel for every other dynamic on this list. When we feel ashamed, we decrease our sense of self-worth. We change our internal image of who we are. When we allow ourselves to wallow in shame, we give up our chance to move forward. Shame often feels like the correct moral response to wrongdoing. However, it does not allow us to grow or to make things right.

Shame can be overcome with transparency, repentance, and growth. Share honestly with your partner about what you have done. Tell them how the guilt has affected you. Get all of the negativity off your chest. Then, go out into the world and make things right again. If you stole something, pay for it. If you hurt someone, apologize. Rather than hiding your experience in the closet, use it as a learning opportunity. Commit to living your life differently from this point forward.5 Signs Your Relationship Has Hit a Dead End

4. Fear

I’ve yet to come across a couple whose relationship has not been touched by fear. As humans, we are afraid of so, so many things! We fear loneliness, and we fear intimacy. We fear failure, and we fear success. Most of all, we are afraid of being hurt. Nowhere does this manifest more powerfully than in our relationships. We will fight the potential for heartbreak with everything we’ve got. Ironically, this instinct itself is what most often causes things to fall apart.

Fear can be worked through with insight, courage, and clarity. Be intentional when you examine your fear. Be honest with yourself. What are you really afraid of? Where is this fear coming from? Is it fair and rational, or is it a manifestation of a deeply held pain and insecurity? Once you have identified your fear, you have taken away its power. Now you have the choice to either listen to it, or shut it down with courage and confidence.

“Some people need a super hero to save them, but I am my own super hero. All I need is myself, my strengths and the fiery passions in my heart to overcome the obstacles in my life,” wrote Imania Margria. Don’t wait for a magical moment to save your relationship. Create one instead. Become your own hero.

Self-care is not a selfish or frivolous thing. It is time we stopped looking at this practice as a luxury. If we are to be our best and most useful selves, caring for our souls is a necessity. A happy and healthy person can accomplish twice as much as one who is fighting burnout. Here […]

“Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others,” observed Christopher Germer. Treat yourself with kindness today. You deserve it, and your loved ones deserve to experience the best version of you.

“Our human compassion binds us the one to the other – not in pity or patronizingly, but as human beings who have learned how to turn our common suffering into hope for the future,” wrote Nelson Mandela. This act of kindness was truly a simple one. A fast food meal costs so little. A note […]

“Our human compassion binds us the one to the other – not in pity or patronizingly, but as human beings who have learned how to turn our common suffering into hope for the future,” wrote Nelson Mandela.

This act of kindness was truly a simple one. A fast food meal costs so little. A note is free. Its impact on this woman, however, was immense.

What’s startling in this story is not only the display of compassion. It’s the idea that a small show of empathy like this one is such a rare and remarkable thing in our world. Life is so hard.

When did we stop helping one another?

Sometimes we are touched by somebody’s pain, and we want to help. However, we refuse to acknowledge it. We are conditioned by society to turn away. We say we are too busy. We say we are too broke. We assume somebody else will help. We may even blame the needy party themselves for being in their position. The true reasons for our inaction run much deeper, however. Skepticism, cynicism, and narcissism often stop us from acting on a compassionate nature.

It’s not always the gift itself that makes the biggest impact, but the heart from which it was given. This woman needed a burger, yes, but more than that she needed encouragement.

She needed kindness. She needed to know that someone, even a stranger, was in her corner.

By sending the meal and note, this man validated her. He saw her trying. He saw her struggling. He saw her knocked down by cruelty. He could have turned the other way, but instead he helped her up.

Suppose you saw this scene unfold. What would you have done? Most of us would sympathize, shaking our heads. We would avert our eyes, embarrassed to have seen this emotional moment. Most of us would see the problem, but choose not to act. We do this every day.

How lucky for her that this stranger was no ordinary person. He chose to lift her up.

How many opportunities do you have to do the same?

If you open your eyes, they are everywhere. They are standing on the side of the road with a cardboard sign. They are eating in a soup kitchen. They are working extra shifts to buy diapers.

You can help.

Even if you do not have a cent to your name, there is something powerful you can do. The meal he bought this woman will come and go, but his note will leave an imprint on her life. A smile and a kind word cost you nothing, and can make all the difference.

Most people avert their eyes when they see struggle. This causes undue shame and belittlement. People start to feel invisible, just when they need to be seen the most. You can help to fight this dynamic.

Smile at someone who is struggling. Lend a tired mother some encouraging words. If you have a dollar to spare, buy a burger for someone who is hungry.

(IMPORTANT: If your narcissistic partner is abusive, do not attempt to save your relationship. These resources can help you to leave.) Your partner is self-centered, manipulative, and often insincere. His charm and high level of ambition have gotten him far in the professional world, but you often have trouble connecting on a more personal level. […]

(IMPORTANT: If your narcissistic partner is abusive, do not attempt to save your relationship. Theseresources can help you to leave.)

Your partner is self-centered, manipulative, and often insincere. His charm and high level of ambition have gotten him far in the professional world, but you often have trouble connecting on a more personal level. He doesn’t share in the blame when things go wrong. He makes impulsive decisions without your input. It wouldn’t make much of a difference if he did ask, though. He has a way of getting what he wants from you. He doesn’t listen, and when he does he may belittle and criticize. You often think twice before sharing your feelings with him at all.

You know your partner is a narcissist. Maybe he has even been diagnosed by a professional. People ask you all the time – why don’t you just leave?

The difficult truth is that we often don’t get to choose who we fall in love with. Narcissism is a disease, and you may be deeply in love with the person living beneath it. Narcissism is also a spectrum. Your significant other may show many narcissistic traits, but work very hard to be a better partner. He may even seek treatment or agree to couples’ therapy. You may have children together, and share a deep commitment to keeping your family whole.

You may just be deeply and hopelessly in love.

Whatever your reasons for staying, it will be a long, difficult, and often draining road. If you insist on traveling it, there are some things you should know. These tips will help you to empower and protect yourself on this journey.

1. Love yourself first.

No matter how loving your narcissist may be, he is simply not capable of giving you the emotional support you require. For this reason, it is imperative that you consciously maintain a regimen of emotional self-care. Give yourself time each day to review and validate your feelings. Talk to yourself kindly. Do things that build up your sense of self. Make this a non-negotiable condition of your relationship.

One way to do this is to devote yourself fully to a cause that your partner has nothing to do with. The project itself doesn’t matter, as long as it is one you are passionate about that is truly your own. Cook meals for the homeless, become involved with an animal shelter, or visit the elderly. Immerse yourself in the world of art or music. It is easy to become wrapped up in your narcissist – after all, he sure is wrapped up in himself. Finding an outlet away from the relationship can help you to maintain your sense of self. It will also provide you with some of the things your partner may not be able to. If he cannot fulfill your need for appreciation, support, and connection, this is a good way to find those things on your own.The Intricacies of the Quiet Narcissist, and how to Deal with Them (Effectively)

2. Have compassion.

Narcissists are not happy people. As Martha Stout explains in The Sociopath Next Door, “Unlike sociopaths, narcissists often are in psychological pain, and may sometimes seek psychotherapy. When a narcissist looks for help, one of the underlying issues is usually that, unbeknownst to him, he is alienating his relationships on account of his lack of empathy with others, and is feeling confused, abandoned, and lonely.” Celebrate the small victories, and remember that your narcissist is not playing with a full deck of emotional cards. If he mentions that he is considering therapy, it may be tempting to scoff and tell him it’s about time. After all, his reaction would be far from considerate if the shoe were on the other foot. Instead, praise his insight and show him support. What is obvious in your eyes may feel insurmountable to him.

3. Nurture your capacity to detach.

Many partners of narcissists are at risk for developing a co-dependent relationship. You and your narcissist crave one another’s attention and approval. Because of your partner’s disease, this will always end in an imbalance. You will give more and more, and it will never be enough. Meanwhile, your partner will give you only what they need to for you to stay. If you are to maintain a relationship with your narcissist, you must refuse to engage in this dynamic. As Dr. Tara J. Palmatier explains, “Emotional detachment is the conscious choice to not allow another person push your buttons and hurt, anger, frustrate or annoy you. The easiest way to do this is to develop indifference.” This is extremely difficult to do, but it is necessary if you are to maintain your sanity. When your partner resorts to an unhealthy dynamic, calmly tell him that you will not engage in this behavior. At first he may take this as a challenge. You will need to hold strong. With time and consistency, you have the power to change the way you interact for the better.

“Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to do harm, but the harm [that they cause] does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves,” wrote T. S. Eliot. Loving a narcissist is a long and challenging road. Take care of yourself, and don’t allow it to destroy you.