Greeting Cards for These Trying Times

It’s hard to shop for a greeting card when it feels like the world is ending. You’ll be looking for a card that says, “Life is fine, minus this nagging sense of incipient doom,” but all you see at the store are cheery platitudes. When this happens, go down to the basement of your local pharmacy, where—on a rusty metal rack, under a flickering fluorescent bulb—you’ll find these more realistic greeting cards for sale:

Get Well-ish Soon-ish

Wishing you an easy ride on the road to recovery! Of course, even when you’re healthy again, you probably won’t feel great, given the state of things. So take your time, sleep it off, and we’ll catch you up on the status of the impending apocalypse as soon as you’re well enough to carry a go-bag.

Valentine’s Day

Roses are color-treated with red dye,

Violets don’t grow in the wild ever since selective foresting entered the area,

At least my love for you is natural.

What happened to the bees?

Congrats, Grad!

Oh, the places you’ll go into credit-card debt! Ha, ha, just joking! Listen, kid, I’d write you a check, but I can’t swing it right now. Instead, let me give you the gift of advice: the gig economy is a sham. We’re broke out here in the real world. But, hey, there’s no pressure to find your path now—you’ve already missed the boat on professional YouTubing, so take your time! Maybe you can join a New Zealand farm co-op or become the general counsel for a nine-year-old’s tech startup. Just remember to stay on your parents’ phone plan until your mid-thirties, and always say yes to free bagels.

I’m So Sorry

That I’m wasting precious paper sending you a card. I mean, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, but, also, I feel terrible about this dead tree.

Happy Holy Day!

TBH, I am a godless heathen and just here for the food.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Every year, I promise myself that I’m going to stop being complicit in the casual appropriation of other cultures, but then Cinco de Mayo rolls around and no one seems to get weird about it? So here I am, putting the mayo in Mayo, which reminds me—you simply must try my potato-salad tacos.

Congratulations on Your Little Ray of Sunshine!

You must be joyed! But not overjoyed, because that would imply that you haven’t thought about what will happen when the food runs out. When this planet is nothing but a sagging husk? And all the men who brought humanity to the edge of extinction are long dead, and no one is there to take the blame? Luckily, you’re really smart, and I’m sure your little miracle will be, too! The smartest will survive, probably on a moon colony. And so I’ve sent along a copy of my favorite children’s book, “Goodnight Moon,” and replaced “moon” with “Earth” throughout, just to get your baby used to looking at it from afar.

Thank You

Thank you so much for the generous gift of American currency. I promise to spend it quickly, while it can still be exchanged for goods and services. I appreciate you so much, and do hope this note finds you before the postal service shuts down. When I see you next, I’ll show my gratitude by giving you a swig of fresh water from my fox skull.