Relationship Advice: How To Get Him To Appreciate You (and Listen To You, Too!)

I am sitting on solid gold in the form of relationship advice from family counselor M. Gary Neuman, whose brand new book, Connect to Love: The Keys to Transforming Your Relationship is out now. It's a helpful guide for couples who have been together a long time. But enough with this intro—let's get to the good stuff (after the jump)!

Dr. Neuman: As part of my research, when I asked dissatisfied women what issues factored into their unhappiness, "feeling unappreciated" was a close number two answer after "lack of time with [their] men." Sadly, when I asked cheating women how the people with whom they cheated were different from their husbands, the number one answer by a long shot was that the new partner "made me feel appreciated."

Appreciation is the way that we offer our partners the value they need. When I offer my appreciation of you, it sends the clearest message that what I see in you is good. Appreciation is a simple gesture that says what you do or have done is good and I'm thankful that you are doing it. All of us have positive and negatives. When you are appreciated, your spouse has summed you up by the best parts of you and this brings out the best in you as well.

Women feel especially underappreciated because society in general doesn't recognize what they do nearly as much as it recognizes men's contributions. Men make money; even if they don't make so much, everyone assumes that they are the primary wage earners. Women get short shrift in this area. Regardless of how much money they make or whether they are the primary wage earners or contribute in a financial way, society often judges them solely by looking at how well they manage their homes, and their children if they are mothers. For now, society still assigns mothers the brunt of caring for children—efforts that are hardly visible to the naked eye and they are not acknowledged with much appreciation. Women are working harder than ever in endless roles as mothers and wage earners and they get little recognition for it.

Appreciation equals value. How we feel about our value is tied to how we are valued or devalued by those around us. Of course we want to feel good about ourselves without relying on the judgment of others, but how do we truly know we are good without being open to the opinions of those around us? In our relationships, we must understand how important it is to both receive and give appreciation. Often, a man thinks that his wife should only receive appreciation when she does something beyond expectation. This is untrue. We deserve and need appreciation for the things that we're expected to do and depend on our loved ones to recognize our effort. Every ounce of appreciation fills us with great inspiration to carry on.

Smitten: What kinds of things can we do in order to "create a culture of appreciation"?

Dr. Neuman: Appreciation comes in all shapes and sizes. A simple comment that verbalizes clearly what you appreciate is always welcome. There are also simple gestures that can say how much you are focused on appreciating your partner. A hug or kiss connected with an appreciative comment goes a long way. A small present, a thoughtful poem, or a greeting card all say that you are thinking of your love. "Thanks for being you," "I love how kind you are," You're so beautiful inside and out," all attest to the general summation of good you see in your partner.

Here are some other ideas:

*Create a long list of things you love about your partner

*Each of you create a list of ways you'd like your partner to show you appreciation. Give that list to each other.

*Once a day, show appreciation using one of the ways your partner wrote that s/he would like to be appreciated.

*After one week, begin to show appreciation twice a day so that it becomes the norm for both of you.

Smitten: When we want to talk to our guy about an issue or our feelings, how should we preface it?

Dr. Neuman: Sometimes, (and it's hard for many women who are natural listeners to understand) your guy really doesn't know what to say or what you expect from him. Start by telling him what you want, and more importantly, what you don't want. For example, you might say: "I had something happen at work today that I want to run by you. I just want you to listen and ask me questions that may help me understand it better. You don't need to come up with a solution or answer. I'm just trying to share it with you to let you know how I'm feeling and maybe by you asking me more questions, I can come up with a better attitude about it."

Next, set a time limit on the conversation. Many women feel this is condescending. It's not meant to be. Many men will start losing their focus if they think there is no end to this conversation. They may really start thinking, "How does this conversation end?" He's happy to be there for you and can focus but men often need some concrete terms and telling him you need 30 minutes of his time for this helps him keep that focus. If you need more than that when the time is up, consider asking him to talk more about it later or the next day.

Smitten: When women complain, why do guys always take the side of the person we're complaining about? It's very frustrating.

Dr. Neuman: Guys have a hard time understanding that they can be sensitive to their partner's feelings and even agree with her about someone else…but that agreeing with her doesn't mean they have to commit to any action she wishes to take. When your guy hears you complaining about his mother, he immediately thinks that if he agrees and understands your points, you'll really explode and expect him to tell his mother how terrible she is and banish her from your home. What men don't get is that when they understand their women, it more often than not reduces her upset and has a very calming effect. Just knowing that her man "gets" it usually reduces the pain and settles things immediately. Help him understand that you need him to just listen and think only about how you must feel. Tell him that you're not asking him to do anything at this point and you're not planning any action at the moment. This will reduce his worry and allow him to focus on you and how it feels to be you.

Thanks, Dr. N! So wise!

What do you think of this advice? Will you put it to use ASAP? (Here's to feeling appreciated and heard!)