Jab-a da mutt
CORONADO PARK — Dad was barking mad. According to a JCSO report dated Oct. 7, he and the young ‘uns were having a lovely afternoon frolic on the grass with their 15-month old black Labrador retriever. While he and the kids “played soccer,” Dad told deputies, the dog “sat on the ground” in quiet repose, the very picture of a pup at peace with all creatures. Imagine their horror when a jogger “ran up to my dog unprovoked” and gave him a mug-full of mace. Dad wanted Jogger charged with animal cruelty. Asked why he’d pepper-sprayed the pup, Jogger pled self-defense. He said he’d been serenely running his daily laps when he spied Dad’s unleashed Lab near the path ahead and quite deliberately went at least 50 feet off-trail in order to give the unsecured animal the widest possible berth. Instead of allaying potential dog-bite danger, however, the maneuver may have triggered the pet’s prey-hunting instinct, because “it started chasing me.” Because the retriever “was showing its teeth” and “faster than me,” Jogger gave it a generous dose of bad-dog from a distance of “just a few feet.” Jogger told deputies that Dad should thank him for his restraint, since he customarily “carries a stick” that he uses to “jab” threatening dogs “as a last resort.” Lacking third-party testimony and tired of chasing his investigative tail, the officer obeyed his case-closing instinct.

Mooks mouthing off
SOUTH KIPLING PARKWAY — It was late morning on Oct. 12 when an impatient Maxima found himself staring at the rear bumper of a decidedly deliberative Crosstrek. Crosstrek “was being an (aggravation),” Maxima complained, refusing to let other vehicles pass him and “flipping me off” when Maxima tried to sneak around on the left. Maxima had returned the salute, and soon the two men were driving down the road firing verbal volleys across each other’s bows. At one point Maxima spit on Crosstrek’s car “because I didn’t want him to get away with that.” At another point Crosstrek may have “made a gun sign” at Maxima and shouted “I will shoot you!” At that point both men called JCSO to accuse the other of road rage. Deputies accused both men of being immature hotheads who’d be on the receiving end of matching disorderly conduct citations if they didn’t drive friendlier in the future.

Hole-istic theory
COLUMBINE HILLS — It was a lot of little things, really, that together added up to terror. First, her dog had been getting busted by Jeffco Animal Control a lot lately, always on anonymous barking complaints. Second, in recent weeks the highly expressive animal had shown less interest in hanging out in the back yard than previously. Third, and most alarming, on the morning of Oct. 9 her daughter had found an empty dog food can on her lawn that “appeared to have bullet holes in it.” Fearing a mortal threat at best, or a grim promise at worst, she asked JCSO to take a shot at the case. Deputies asked to see the dog food can in question, but it wasn’t available for examination. They asked if she’d heard any gunshots in the neighborhood, which she hadn’t. They wondered about suspects, but none were identified. Reaching the end of their tether, officers suggested she keep an eye on the boisterous beast for a few days lest it exhibit additional symptoms of “harassing or intimidation.”