WHEN GRATEFUL DEAD icon Bob Weir stormed off the Sweetwater Music Hall stage after unruly audience members refused to shut up during his acoustic set, the incident touched a nerve among music fans, igniting a controversy over what constitutes proper behavior at concerts and shows.

The flap, which ended with Weir angrily hurling an F-bomb at the offenders, raised one obvious question: Is Marin breeding generations of entitled concert-goers who feel they have a right to talk during performances, even if it annoys the performer and disturbs those around them?

And it illustrated the difference between concert halls, where audiences sit facing the stage and more often than not listen quietly, and nightclubs that depend for their profits on bar sales and from packing people in, having them stand shoulder-to-shoulder during shows.

"When you're standing and you're jammed together and you're being served drinks, you might have a particular expectation of what the evening is going to be like," said Lucy Mercer, owner and founder of the nonprofit 142 Throckmorton Theatre in Mill Valley. "It has nothing to do with disrespect for somebody on stage. It has to do with how the room is set up."

Or, as Mark Weigers wrote in reader comments under the IJ's story on the Weir walkout: "Hey, it's a barroom. When the alcohol flows, people get loud. That's just the nature of the beast."

At 142 Throckmorton, wine is served in the lobby, and the main showroom is set up with chairs and small cabaret tables. Mercer will shush people in the lobby if their chatter bleeds through the theater doors, but once they're inside they invariably quiet down.

"It's not to say that the other set-up is wrong, but there are conflicts inherent in it," she explained. "We set the expectation that you're going to be listening to what's on stage. We set that tone, so people learn that you don't come here to drink and hang out. You just have to be clear about what you're trying to achieve."

Most of the time, during amplified rock and blues sets in clubs, this never becomes a problem. You can talk as loud as you want and no one is going to hear you, not even the person you're talking to.

"Most of our shows are rock 'n' roll, pop bands, Latin jazz or blues, so the crowd is loud and dancing anyway," Todd Ghanizadeh, owner of Georges nightclub in San Rafael, said in an email.

But intimate, quiet performances by acoustic musicians, cabaret singers and mellow jazz groups are a different story. After the Weir episode, Sweetwater manager Aaron Kayce decided to create more of a listening room atmosphere when that kind of setting is appropriate.

"If a performer wants to do an acoustic show, we really need to put seats in there," he said. "It helps turn a bar into a theater environment and promotes the idea that this is a quiet affair."

Seats, however, are not always the answer. Music fan Deborah Grabien had an annoying experience during a recent sit-down show by Jorma Kaukonen and Barry Mitterhoff.

"We had a problem with a small crowd of people who simply wouldn't shut up," she commented, describing the offenders as "late 20s in designer gear but acting as if they thought they were back in 1969. They were asked several times by people around them to please pipe down, but the entitlement levels they displayed were off the scale."

Nevertheless, in a county with an aging population that's still pretty hip and would go out if they knew they had a seat waiting for them, it might be a wise business decision to book more sit-down shows.

"I wonder if it would be better for Sweetwater to have more seating," commented Tamara Blake of Sausalito, expressing the feelings of a number of others. "I would have gone to a show last week but it was standing-room only. I would have paid twice as much for a seat."

Because the new Fenix Music and Supper Club in San Rafael has been designed for patrons to sit at tables and enjoy dinner while watching a show, the level of elegance tends to preclude audience misbehavior. For the most part.

"Our place is set up like a listening room," said manager Merl Saunders Jr. "We had a sold-out show here last Saturday night by jazz guitarist Lloyd Gregory that was old school, a throwback to a '50s jazz club. People listened and actually applauded the solos."

But the Fenix has not been entirely immune to the rude audience syndrome. The cabaret star Paula West lodged a mild complaint about talking during her show there. And when they did more gossiping than listening during a set by crooner Tim Hockenberry, a group of gabby women went a long way in upholding Marin's reputation, deserved or not, as an enclave of the wealthy and entitled.

"They paid twenty bucks to see him and they talked during the entire show," Saunders said, noting that, in his experience, it would have done more harm than good to ask them to quiet down.

"You would have created more problems by saying something to them," he said.

In an effort to avoid these awkward situations in the future, he's considering borrowing a page from the long-established Yoshi's jazz clubs and politely remind audiences in an announcement before shows to please respect the performers and keep chatter to a minimum.

But it's not just up to theater and club owners to correct this problem. Audiences have a responsibility as well.

"Unfortunately, it's not just Sweetwater or Mill Valley," wrote commenter Adam Sasso. "It seems that people everywhere (in this area anyway) have forgotten how to act. I stopped going to the movies because nearly every time I go some idiots are talking as if they're sitting in their living room. I've nearly had physical altercations after telling people to shut up. Now I just don't bother. I know I sound like my grandfather must have sounded in the '50s, but it seems to be true."