Miscarriage isn't talked about a lot - particularly the details. What is it, what should you do when it's happening to you, and how do you cope afterwards? I've spent the past few months working on an article about miscarriage that shares five personal experiences (including the experiences of a dad), plus information from infertility and baby loss counsellor Megan Downer. A huge thank you to The Spinoff for publishing this story today - and to the people who agreed to be interviewed for the article. I hope I've done your stories justice.

In this post I'd like to share a bit more information about miscarriage - Megan's tips on dealing with grief, information about the different types of miscarriage, and links to places where you can get support.

Coping with grief after miscarriageTips from infertility and pregnancy loss counsellor Megan Downer.

Give yourself permission to grieve and process what has happened. Miscarriage is a significant loss which is often silent and unacknowledged by others, making it difficult to work through.

There is no ‘right way’ to feel following a miscarriage. Each person’s experience of pregnancy loss and the circumstances surrounding it are different, so it is important to not put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way.

When you are ready, ceremony or ritual to acknowledge the loss of your baby can be comforting.

Second-trimester miscarriage: A miscarriage that occurs between 13 and 20 weeks.

Chemical pregnancy: a very early miscarriage, often undetected as the pregnancy loss may occur at around the same time as the woman’s period. These pregnancies are generally unconfirmed.

While not strictly a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy (where the embryo grows outside the uterus) is also a cause of early pregnancy loss.

Recurrent miscarriage: In New Zealand recurrent miscarriage is considered to be three or more consecutive miscarriages, or two late miscarriages, with all pregnancies by the same partner. Recurrent miscarriage is estimated to affect between two and three per cent of women.

Management of miscarriageIf a miscarriage begins unexpectedly, you are advised to seek medical help. You can speak to your GP, your midwife (if you have been formally registered), visit an urgent care or after-hours medical centre, or call Healthline on 0800 611 116. If the bleeding is heavy, you are advised to go to hospital urgently. You may need to call an ambulance.

Alicia Young is pretty much the worst pseudonym I could have chosen. I didn't even google it. I was walking through the fog of infertility treatment and probably not thinking clearly. I wrote a short series about undergoing IVF and having a miscarriage, and it was published on The Spinoff under Alicia's name.

Alicia came out again recently when our PM revealed that she is expecting and I knew that a certain group of women (and their partners) would be juggling some mixed feelings about the announcement. The piece must have tapped into some kind of zeitgeist as it was picked up by The Herald Online and was printed in The Herald the next day.

It felt weird and exposing and a bit self-indulgent to share such personal feelings, but the comments I received made me feel as though I did the right thing.

"It was refreshing piece you wrote and I just wanted to say thanks. You helped me."

"Thank you for putting some of this into words. Know that you are not alone there are many of us feeling as you do, and we are grateful that you have had the courage to write this."

"Oh god, yes it hurts. I think she'll be due around the week as I was."

I've always had a soft spot for Winston Peters. Those dashing suits. That twinkle in his eye. So when he started saying vegetarian food labelling could be bad for our economy, I looked into it. And it turns out the opposite is true. You can read the full story on The Spinoff.

Sometimes (ok most days) I hear something on the radio or read something in the paper that makes me really cross. But the other day something made me so cross, I decided to do something about it. It was the beat-up over Ministry of Justice spending on staff development. I've worked in the public sector and I know how hard it is to do your job properly when you're under constant surveillance from social media warriors who don't always bother to dig into the issues before commenting. So I wrote this post about it... and it was published on The Spinoff! Super exciting for me... and I hope it gave some Ministry of Justice employees a smile.

Author

My short fiction has been published in Headland, Hue and Cry, Pot Roast and Aerodrome. I'm an award-winning playwright and zine creator, and my play Indiscretions was published by Playmarket. I have contributed articles and creative non-fiction to The Spinoff, The Sunday Star Times, The NZ Herald and more. I also manage the social media for my cat Bruce, and I wrote and illustrated a children's book, Bruce Finds A Home, based on his exploits.