console war

Avalanche Studios chief technical officer Linus Blomberg is one of the many developers getting horned up over the PlayStation 4, and believes Sony's system couldn't come at a better time. With gaming PCs outclassing current g...

The next generation PlayStation is fleshUpdate: PS4 is slated to appear this holiday season, 2013!
Sony's next generation has officially kickstarted! Live from New York City, Sony officially announced the PlayStation 4!
It will have 8GB of unified memory, a X...

Imagines a software-only future for the Big NCliff Bleszinski has painted a grim portrait of the game console landscape in a recent GI interview, likening the "state of transition" to that experienced in the famous videogame market crash. His most controversial statemen...

Feb 19 //
Allistair PinsofEven as Google cooks up new algorithms for its searches, the presence of SEO bastards filling the internet with useless, misleading crap for clicks ($$$) continues to grow. The current crop of fake PS4 sites is a good example of this. To those that don't make mad money games blogging, SEO stands for search engine optimization. Putting priority on placement of certain buzzwords. The headline "Britney Spears boobs PS4 am I really pregnant?" would do wonders on our site, if it didn't do an even more wonderful job driving our current audience away.
Perhaps, I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know -- but while I'm at it, use condoms (rubber bands and Ziploc bags aren't the same thing!) -- so let's jump into the good stuff: fake-ass PS4 sites. If you do a Google search and click a couple pages past ye olde' IGNs and Kotakus, you'll be greeted by a list of sites with eye-sore URLs (that I won't link to, in fear of forwarding malware/spyware): ps4info.com, ps4playstation4.com, sonyps4.com, etc.
These crappy Wordpress-based sites feature "exclusive" leaked footage of the PS4, numerous console images, lists of unofficial games, pre-order info, and tickers counting down an unannounced release date:
[embed]245902:47031:0[/embed]
You probably shouldn't click on this.
What these sites don't have is any contact info or transparency on who started the damn thing. Occasionally, you'll find mention a company name if you dig deep enough. Here's FutureROI: respectable webmasters of SonyPS4.com along with OurWeed.com and L0Lz.com. It does not surprise me in the least to discover FutureROI is Las Vegas-based. I mean, why wouldn't they be?
If it sounds like I'm ragging on these SEO scambait sites, I'm actually not. Sure, what they do is scummy, pointless and toxic to our online environment, but I find it all so delightfully kitsch. I love reading six-plus paragraphs of a writer pulling PS4 factoids out of their bumhole, stealing DeviantART console renders and presenting them as *LEAKED* pictures, and the horrid site design that is at once evident of less than 48 hours of work and nostalgic of GeoCities fan pages of the '90s.
Instead of getting mad, let's laugh at these dumb sites by highlighting the five worst PS4 console images (original source of each design linked below):
1) This thing
Glass + touch = future? I get the sense that something along that equation is being taught at design schools, because I see this kind of crap everywhere in design forums. I don't even know what the hell this thing is. Why would you want the system menu on your physical console? Why would you want a postage stamp video feed of your game on your lap? How comfortable would this thing even be? The only real advancement I see here is that the PS4 could double as a fancy food tray.
[via convoyrider]
2) Whatever the hell this is
This is what would happen if Adidas designed the PS4. Coming soon to Big Lots and Payless Shoes!
[via Nebojsa Nadj]
3) This car radio-looking garbage
I love the "connect to 4 screens" remark. Because there really is a big market of people who own four TVs side-by-side, and a lot of potential in games to take advantage of it. I'm even more puzzled by how you set this down, or does it just constantly wobble back and forth on its rounded frame?
[via Neklas Heller]
4) This 100% legit, non-Photoshop'd system
Even my eight-year-old imagination couldn't foresee this monstrosity.
[via HypeUp]
5) The PlayStation toaster
Whether or not the graphics or controls are revolutionary, this model guarantees to reach new heights in fire hazard probability.
[via PSU]
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Come tomorrow, Sony will unveil the future of PlayStation. I don't doubt that this racket of fake PS4 info will continue, but the kitsch factor will be lost along with the use of fake system and controller mock-ups. So, let's cherish these final hours of ignorance and intentional misdirection.
Post your favorite PS4 mock-ups below, along with any you made on your own. And as always, wildly speculate and pretend you have eXclusive infoz from your friend who works at Sony.

Seems legitWherever there is public interest, there are con artists preying upon the susceptible. How many shoddily-built iPod rip-offs must one buy or mid-life-crisis-inducing timeshares must one occupy, before this lesson is learned?
...

Following yesterday's angry protests from Nintendo fans, industry analyst Michael "Fishy Sunday" Pachter took to NeoGAF to clarify his statements.There was uproar when Pachter said the Wii U was a mistake Nintendo may never r...

Crytek CEO Cevat Yerli doesn't sound too impressed by the prospect of a new console generation -- in fact, he claims Crysis 3 running on a high-end PC is already ahead of future competition. The ruling factor here, according ...

Feb 18 //
Jim SterlingThe answer to the problem, for other analysts interviewed, was games. Software is the only way Nintendo can crawl out of its hole, according to the market brains.
"Games, games, and more games," emphasized Lewis Ward of IDC. "The relationship between key releases -- primarily first-party titles -- and hardware sales is especially clear in Nintendo’s case. The sooner they get titles like Pikmin 3 and Wii Fit U on the console side and Pokémon games and titles like Animal Crossing: New Leaf on the 3DS side on store shelves, the better."
Pachter, however, is not so hopeful, and thinks this may be it for the house of Mario. Of course, one thing the analyst does not yet know is that Nintendo president Satoru Iwata has a Luigi hat ...
Therefore, his argument holds no water.
Analyst: Wii U a ‘mistake’ for Nintendo [GamesBeat, thanks RJ!]

Analyst declares system a costly errorIndustry analyst Michael "Chewy Homunculus" Pachter has been saying for years that Nintendo missed the boat on an HD Wii followup, and now he believes his predictions have yielded fruit. Framing the Wii U launch as a disaster...

Are mouse & keyboards, control over saves, and health packs a thing of the past?A lot of news on Bungie's new shooter Destiny has come out this morning, and while it looks like an interesting game, there hasn't been a PC version announced by the Halo developer. Something said by the studio...

New Teenage Pokemon every Sunday morning
[Teenage Pokemon is a cartoon show about Pokemon in their middle stage of evolution -- not a girl, not yet a women. New episodes every week.]
When I was growing up, social classism wasn't really an issue in "gamer cultu...

Are you itching to get your hands on the newest Ouya-like console, the Gamestick? You can grab one now for $79.99, along with a few extras like a dock or a case. Basically, this allows you to get a Gamestick a few months befo...

Former VP of Windows sales at Microsoft Joachim Kempin spoke with IGN about Microsoft's entrance into the videogame console market, prior to committing to the Xbox, saying: "There were three companies at that point in time, I...

The OUYA console will start arriving at the homes of its Kickstarter backers in March, but you'll be seeing them in your local shops a scant few months later. An interview with OUYA CEO Julie Uhrman published on the WSJ....

Feb 01 //
Allistair Pinsof
The controller
Sony's new console will introduce a new take on the traditional PS controller, according to Edge, keeping the same size while adding a small touchpad in place of the Select, Start, and PS buttons. The touchpad is based on the Vita handheld's rear touch tech.
Along with the touchpad, a new "Share" button will give players the ability to immediately capture and distribute screenshots and video online (similar to OnLive's Brag clips); the console will continuously record the last 15 minutes of gameplay, so video is always ready to go (or maybe military are using it to find the next star fighter?), according to Edge. CVG's source echoed this info, which increases its likelihood to be true. It is unclear if this Share button is a physical button or the touch pad itself, accessed by clicking down on it, according to Kotaku.
PS4 will continue to support Sixaxis (improved with tilt correction) and the Move motion controller, according to documents reported by Kotaku. The system launch will also bring about an improved version of the PlayStation Eye peripheral, according to Edge.
Why is this exciting? Sony's new controller will be a natural evolution, as it continues to occupy a place between current trends (touch, motion controls) without fully committing in the way Nintendo has with the Wii and Wii U or dividing the userbase like Microsoft did with Kinect. It's hard to imagine what can be done with such a tiny touch pad, and it's frighteningly easy to imagine what terrible touch gimmicks can be shoved into games after the Vita. The share feature makes me more hopeful, as it sends an early message that Sony is investing in online infrastructure in a big way.
[embed]243768:46663:0[/embed]
The hardware
As of January 2013, according to Kotaku, the current development kit consists of:
System Memory: 8GB
Video Memory: 2.2 GB
CPU: 4x Dual-Core AMD64 "Bulldozer", 1.6GHz
GPU: AMD R10xx (w/ Liverpool)
Ports: 4x USB 3.0, 2x Ethernet [extra for local sharing, dev. use]
Drive: Blu-Ray
HDD: 160GB [Retail may be larger]
Audio Output: HDMI & Optical, 2.0, 5.1 & 7.1 channels, headphone jack
Sony's console may have an advantage over Microsoft's codenamed Durango due to the high performance GDDR5 memroy in the system that can move data at 176 gigabyters per second, according to Edge. A source told the magazine that the PS4 is “slightly more powerful [than Durango]” and “very simple to work with.”
Why is this exciting? The framework of the PS4 will closely resemble a PC, making it easier to develop for and fix (when the inevitable launch batch problems occur). Eurogamer compare the PS4's GPU to the Radeon 7970M laptop GPU (used to run Crysis 2 in the video above). Unless the reports are wrong, PS4 should out do the Durango in terms of sheer power. Can you imagine the next Killzone or Uncharted on this thing?
Online
Rewriting the rulebook on console networks, PS4 will allow more than one user to be logged into a single console at the same time via controllers. Accounts won't be locked to a controller, but each connected controller will require an account to associate it with.
Kotaku reports that this will allow even distribution of trophies in games, such as all four logged players gaining the same achievements from defeating a difficult boss.
There are also premature reports of the console putting a greater emphasis on media, which is kind of stating the obvious at this point. What's more interesting is Sony's plans for the Gaikai tech.
Why is this exciting? Though Xbox Live and PlayStation Network function well enough, it's always a hassle to log in with other players. Starting an offline co-op session can often feel like puzzle to be solved, in certain games. This new system will make the process easier and faster, while putting a greater emphasis on offline couch play -- something hardware manufacturers and game publishers thought would go away, but instead the Wii only increased its value and presence.
Launch
Sony's next console will make its debut at a New York event ("See the future.") on Feb. 20, with a holiday launch in US and Japan to come (Europe in 2014), according to The Wall Street Journal, Polygon, and Edge. The predicted price point is somewhere around $350 - 400.
Possible launch titles:
Whore of the OrientNew EA franchise(s)New Quantic Dream gameNew United Front titleNew SquareEnix titleThe usual suspects (Uncharted, inFAMOUS, Killzone, etc.)Metal Gear Solid: Ground ZeroesWatch DogsStar Wars 1313
Keep an eye on our #PS4 for upcoming news on possible titles.
Why is this exciting? It's a new Sony console! Do I really need to give you a reason?
[Images by Joseph Dumary, courtesy of Yanko Design]

Latest reports from around the web all in one placeBack in 2008, Destructoid created a tag for 'PS4'. It's about time we put it to good use.
With Sony ostensibly planning to show off its new console by the end of the month and the rest of us salivating in anticipation, now is...

According to the International Data Corporation, the PlayStation 3 has surpassed the Xbox 360 in number of units shipped worldwide. The report, Worldwide Video Game and Entertainment Console Hardware and Packaged Software 201...

Analyst James Hardiman claims the software attach rate for the Wii U since its November US launch is 1.2, with only one in five buyers considered to have bought a new game on top of packed-in software.
Hardiman offers tw...

Microsoft is currently preening its feathers over another US victory, boasting an NPD victory over both the PS3 and newly released Wii U this November. Although figures overall are down, Microsoft's Xbox division is still doi...

Nov 30 //
Jim Sterling
Intuitive motion reduction enhancement features
If you've played some of the third-party ports that have been expediently produced for your benefit, you may have been delighted with one of the Wii U's boldest new features -- a little addition I like to call Intuitive Motion Reduction Enhancement. This innovative approach to gaming takes some of the more hardcore experiences -- Ninja Gaiden 3, Warriors Orochi 3 Hyper, Call of Duty: Black Ops II -- and dynamically reduces the speed at which they are played in order to give the user extreme tactical advantages.
Here's how it works -- when the action is at its most hectic, at its most adrenaline-pumping, the Wii U intuitively lowers the framerate, sometimes to a crawl. This "bullet time" effect allows the player a new level of unmatched battlefield surveillance, giving him or her the power to make fresh decisions and dramatically alter the course of gameplay in their favor. Never before has such power been at the player's fingertips, and only on the Wii U can this inspiring feature be accessed.
Be sure to laugh at your friends as they remain forced to play Call of Duty at normal speeds, like mundane idiots. We call these people Kinematypicals, and we look at them with disgust.
It has the best version of Firmware of any console
When you first get your shiny new Wii U (still massively available in every shop in the world), you get instant access to the most crucial game right out of the box -- for free! Nintendo's version of this generation's most popular game, Firmware, is bigger, better, and greatly expanded when compared to the paltry efforts of the Xbox 360 and even PS3!
Sure, the PS3 managed to negotiate exclusive access to more Firmware sequels and DLC than Microsoft or Nintendo, but only on Wii U can you get the definitive version -- all 57GB of it! PS3 fans are going to feel really sore after wasting their time on shitty little incremental updates when they find out that Firmware is available, in full and larger than ever, ONLY on the Nintendo Wii U home entertainment videogame entertainment Wii U entertainment console.
You better rub some ice cream on your butt from all the butt-stuff that Nintendo just did to your butt, you butthurt little PS3 fanboys. Sorry to BUTT in and be a BUTTHER (still works), but I wondered if you'd like some BUTTER to cool down your BUTT after all the BUTTHURT on your BUTT. You fucking fucks.
Willem Dafoe
Only on Wii U can you access the official Willem Dafoe fan community. Although currently misnamed Rabbids Land, the Willem Dafoe Miiverse community is rich with tribute to Hollywood's favorite son -- and perhaps the most treasured man in America today -- Willem Dafoe. Full of fun facts (Willem Dafoe invented cars) and whimsical fan drawings (Willem's Datoe, Battlefoeds, Wii-llem Dafoe), the Wii U has become the ultimate destination for all things Willem!
The closest the SexCocks PeeShitty (Xbox 360) ever got to a thriving celebrity community was that time I drew Val Kilmer in marker pen on the side of my console ... and the drawing was fucking shit. Part of his eye was doodled over the disc tray so every time I tried to put a game in, it looked like his eye was coming out a bit, and it was really scary and gross, and I said to myself, "This is not The Batman, this is not the fucking Batman," every single time it happened.
And nobody on eBay believed me when I tried to sell it and say it was Val Kilmer's personal Xbox. Bloody stupid Microsoft.
Aliens: Colonial Marines will have a motion tracker
Does anything else even need to be said? This one fact alone proves the Wii U is better than both the TyrannosaurusRexCumFilledSocks TreeThatADogPissedUpSixtyYearsOldLikeAnOldMan (Xbox 360) and PlayStinky 3 (PlayStation 3). We have all dreamed of being a Colonial Marine, firing our pulse rifle into the air, making hurtful sexist remarks about capable female comrades, and eventually ending our lives in screaming terror as eyeless abominations drag us mercilessly to be processed into little more than macabre wombs.
It's the American dream, and Wii U takes us one step closer to making it a reality. Only on Nintendo's wonder machine can you have a real-life motion tracker in your real-life hands, able to directly pinpoint real-life Xenomorph activity and defecate into your real-life pants with the extreme terror of it all. In REAL life!
Aliens is literally the best film ever made (after Alien 3), and Aliens: Colonial Marines will be the best game in the world thanks to the reality-warping properties of the Wii U. You might even start believing you're a trained military professional! How fun would that be? You'd get to kill people in the street for looking browner than you, and nobody can stop you because you're a Colonial Marine! I think that's how it works.
Funky Barn
Is the PS3 funky enough for this barn? No. Is the Xbox 360 funky enough for this barn? No. The Wii U, by stark contrast, has been scientifically measured as matching the predetermined levels of funk required to gain entry to the aforementioned barn, and that is why it is the best home gaming system on the market right now.
Just trust me, this point makes sense if you have a Wii U. If not, then tough shit. You should've gotten one. Now you're just a spastic.
Games look dramatically better on the Wii U
Before you start thinking I'm a biased fanboy and write this point off as something a loyalist shill might say, bear in mind these are not my words. These are the words of Reggie Fils-Aime! Yeah, not looking so biased now, are they?
[embed]239580:45938:0[/embed]
CNN correspondent Reggie Fils-Aime has stated for the record that Wii U games look dramatically better than the visually inferior counterparts found slumming it on PS3 and Xbox 360 -- or should I say PeePissPee and Xbox 360!?!? Yeah, I should say that.
You can't really get less biased than the opinion of a third party, which is why I urge you to not just take my word for it. Please pay attention to the words of people like Reggie, Satoru Iwata, and Shigeru Miyamoto, all hardworking pundits in the industry who have spoken extensively about the qualities of the Wii U. If you insist on ignoring my opinion, go check out those guys, and prepare to have your damn eyes opened.
The GamePad is a bit like an iPad
Some of you may not want to accept it, but we've all got to face facts some day -- the iPad is the inevitable future of all gaming. In years to come, the iPad will steadily replace all systems in what is quite clearly a zero-sum game where all that is new exists solely at the expense of the old. And smart people couldn't be happier about it, because the iPad is home to the best videogames on the market.
Angry Birds, Angry Birds Space, Angry Birds Star Wars -- the list of quality gaming experiences on iPad goes on and on, and the only safe game companies are those embracing the incontestable conclusion of everything videogames have worked towards. Companies like Nintendo, who have used the Wii U to give us a controller that is exactly like an iPad in every single way except for apps, multitouch, a retina display, comparable battery life, the ability to take it outdoors, and some other things.
The Wii U is now in a prime position to score some of those hot new iPad games, such as Angry Birds, Angry Birds Space, and even Angry Birds Star Wars. Meanwhile, the PS3 is stuck with lame shitty casual games like Angry Birds on the so-called PSN. What a lame duck.
Final Fantasy XIII isn't on it
It's the little blessings that make life worth living, after all! God bless you, Wii U -- you're literally Jesus Christ.

Suck my hardware, you stupid STUPIDThe Wii U has had a chance to settle in North America, and just recently hit shelves in Europe. The question on everybody's lips is, of course -- is the Wii U the best home console in the world, and should I throw away every ...

Thomas Truong, the man responsible for the excellent New Adventures of Podtoid, has been working on another project, and it's quite glorious. He's gone and taken a section of an old article I wrote, How Xbox Live is Blatantl...

Ubisoft, while usually 100% behind any new console that it can use to flog dead horses on, has reserved some criticism for the Wii U. More specifically, CEO Yves Guillemot thinks it's too expensive, and would like to see the ...

Star Citizen creator Chris Roberts has said that his new game simply couldn't be handled by a PS3 or Xbox 360, and that even the next home console generation would struggle to run it. According to Roberts, anything we'll see ...

Reactions to the Wii U among hardcore gamers have been mixed at best, downright cynical at worst.
Not least of the system's problems is the fact that the next PlayStation and Xbox are going to inevitably upstage it with superior firepower. However, outside of raw tech-specs, Nintendo may have one thing Sony and Microsoft lack.
The ability to survive the biggest threat of this next generation.

Since E3, Sony's given the impression that it intended to use the PlayStation Vita's crossover potential with the PS3 as a way of competing against Nintendo's Wii U. This week, the company all but said it, with John Koll...

Resident Evil 6 will ship on two DVDs and one Blu-ray disc. We've all been there before. However, this time around there'll be no need to swap the discs half way through a game -- it turns out this is a particular requirement...

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim received it's Hearthfire home-building DLC this week, but only if you have the Xbox 360 version. PC users will have to wait, while PS3 users haven't even got Dawnguard -- and may never get it.
Natu...

Everyone loves to debate the merits of games from "back in the day" versus those of more contemporary fare. But why should we have to fight their battles for them? All those gaming heroes are perfectly capable of settling th...

Aug 17 //
Jim Sterling
You get what you pay for
One argument held against Xbox Live is the fact that you have to pay a subscription fee for its services. However, fools who argue this as a negative against Microsoft are but whimsical court jesters in the throne room of my mind, tittering brainlessly without realizing they are making my point for me. Yes, you pay for Xbox Live, but that's because you pay for quality.
Things that we pay for are always going to be better. I don't trust something that somebody's just willing to give me. It's like sex -- am I going to go with the professional sex provider who does this for a living and expects a fair wage, or am I going to choose some amateur who's doing it for free and could literally have anything inside those pants? I will spend dollars for quality, and that's why I will only have sex that I pay for. Likewise, I will only have sex if I've been paid. It's called the economy, dumbass! Look it up in a book sometime.
Paying for Xbox Live just proves it's better than the oafish PSN, which clearly has no respect for itself if it'll give us stuff without a charge.
Twitter AND Facebook
If you're unconvinced by my sound argument above, remember that you're not just paying to play videogames online, you tramp. Microsoft believes in value and entertainment, and that's why when you pay for Xbox Live, you also get access to unique and exclusive social networking tools like Twitbook and that website Jesse Eisenberg made.
Before we had Xbox Live, we could only access these features by using our unreliable cellphones or by purchasing and installing expensive, complicated personal computers. Who in the name of Billy St. Fuck wants to go through all the effort of spending $5,000 on a computer and hooking it up to a dangerous Internet full of Trojan Worms and Spyruses? As for cellphones, they sometimes are slow and have a short battery life, which makes them terrible for sharing that hilarious news story about Ron Paul saying something racist.
Then there are top-notch video services like Netflix and Amazon Video, which are unavailable anywhere else. Screw the $60 annual charge, Microsoft! For that much stuff, I wish I could give you sixty bucks twice a day.
PSN got hacked
PSN got hacked once. Microsoft did not. Again, probably because we pay for Xbox Live, we can trust its security and know the service is able to afford a truly secure network that none of us ever need fear. To date, there have literally been NO reports (that I've seen) of anybody being harassed, attacked, conned, or otherwise inconvenienced by another person on Xbox Live (that I personally know).
This all goes back to the sex argument again. You have sex with just anybody, you will get cancer and other STIs. You pay for official sex, and you have a clean experience with seasoned pros. If you don't want cancer, don't use the PlayStation Network. It's not rocket science, you hog!
Advertising
If it weren't for commercials, we would never know what kind of products were available to buy. Buying products stimulates the American Money, which in turn creates jobs, which give people cash to buy the products. Microsoft stimulates the economy by putting ad banners all over the service we've paid good money for, which is great because of businesses. What's more, it's essential for Microsoft -- how else will it be able to provide great online gaming, as well as Twitter and Facebook, without revenue generated by advertising? There is no other way!
Meanwhile, the selfish Sony hoards the PlayStation 3 XMB for itself, not thinking about the millions of companies in the world that need to sell their products to consumers and have no reliable means of getting the information out there. It's quite possible that Sony is trying to put every other company in the world out of business so that it's the only one left, and that's maybe what will happen if it continues to maintain radio silence on the so-called PlayStation Network.
Also, you have to wonder -- without ads, how is Sony paying to keep its service running? Drugs. That's what I think. I've got none of your "evidence" to back that assumption up, but do you have a better explanation? It's definitely drugs, probably.
It's more organized
When you boot up your Xbox 360, what's the first thing you want? That's right, Coldplay music videos! Thanks to the efficient organization of Xbox Live, smart gamers are able to get first access to Coldplay videos, while those morons using a PS3 could spend all day looking for Coldplay videos and only find them by the time real gamers have finished watching all of the Coldplay videos. Just imagine all that Coldplay while your rivals on PSN (and they are rivals, all of them) are fumbling around like lost little lambs in an eternal nightfall of darkest black.
It's not just Coldplay, of course! From television to sports to movies, everything's been organized to keep you as far away from those distracting videogames as possible. No longer will you be tempted to waste your time on stupid games, because by the time you've scrolled toward them and discovered that you can watch the latest Vin Diesel movie right now, you'll have something far more valuable on your to-do list.
Also, thank fuck you can't find Xbox Live Indie Games without having to really dig for them. Those games are all terrible and the people who make them don't need any encouragement.
Get Call of Duty maps first
Let me tell you a little story. It's about a young boy named Michael. Michael was a fan of videogames and bought all the latest titles. His favorite game was Call of Duty, and all his friends played it as well. However, unlike his friends, Michael played Call of Duty on the PlayStation 3. At first, everything was fine. His friends played CoD on XBL, and he played CoD on PSN. They all were good friends, and talked often of their gaming experiences.
Then one day, something strange happened. One of Michael's friends said, "Oh man, playing Call of Duty, the hit videogame from Activision, was great last night with the new map pack we bought."
"What new map pack?" asked Michael. He had never heard of this.
"The new maps for Call of Duty, the biggest game of the year and available now in all good stores. Surely you downloaded them last night! We all did. We got them from Microsoft's award-winning Xbox Live!"
"No," replied Michael. "There were no maps on the PlayStation Network."
"Oh my God," said his ten-year-old friend. "Oh my fucking God. Are you serious?"
Michael looked horrified, realizing that he no longer could join in with his friends. The other boys glanced at each other nervously. One shifted on his feet uncomfortably. The lead boy looked Michael up and down with a sneer.
"I'm sorry Michael," he said spitefully. "But you cannot be our friend anymore. It's time we pulled your clothes off and kicked you naked through the village."
And strip him they did. They pushed him to the ground, all eighteen of them, and tore at his pantaloons and tunic. They ripped the woven cloth from his back until he was naked and ashamed, and they spat at him and called him names like "beast-child" and "mother's laundry." They hoist him to his feet and took turns booting him on his bare bottom. Michael stumbled away, crying and red, but still they kicked him, all through the village, and sang of how he did not download the new map pack for Call of Duty. Lo, did the villagers laugh. Old Man Burns, the blacksmith. Grandulf, the apothecary. Even mayor Pompadour had a good old chuckle and pointed at Michael while calling him a "fucking prick."
That night, Michael's father hanged himself by the neck until he was dead, leaving a note that he was "cunting ashamed" of raising "that worthless fucking worm who played Call of Duty on PSN instead of XBL like a damn human being."
And that is why you play games on Xbox Live.
What got that shitty underwater game once
Do you remember that time Microsoft made one XBLA game totally free of charge, for no reason at all? Such a level of generosity has never been seen before or since. After searching on Google multiple times, I found out it was called Undertow. Remember that game? I can't believe Microsoft would just give us shit like that, but it's yet another reason why Xbox Live is top banana.
It's American
Unlike the PlayStation Network, Xbox Live is American, and as such it enjoys all the benefits that America has to offer. Xbox Live stands for freedom, a strong work ethic, democracy, God, eagles, Obama, and justice. Meanwhile, PSN is not American, and as such does not stand for freedom or any of the other things I can't be bothered to type out again. Also, it's probably racist a little bit.
Let us not forget that Japan started World War II by bombing a place once and was also responsible for the physical assault of Kurt Russell, as filmed in the documentary Big Trouble in Little China. Kurt Russell, like Xbox Live, stands for the great American ideals, so an attack on him is practically an attack on The Lord's chosen nation. Japan -- and by extension Sony -- may as well rub its ass on the American flag every time it gleefully runs Big Trouble in Little China on national television, which I'll bet it does daily. Are you going to take that disrespect? Are you going to let Sony revel in the continued abuse of Kurt Russell and Xbox Live? Do you even LIKE freedom, or are you some fuckin' communist who refuses to free Pussy Riot?
FREE PUSSY RIOT! BUY XBOX LIVE SUBSCRIPTIONS! PROMOTE FREEDOM! DEATH TO RACISM!

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Industry analyst Michael "Pink Toothbrush" Pachter has stated that the Wii U will not succeed as intended, and criticized Nintendo for believing that it can do something novel and come out on top.
"I don’t think t...