I use the term
"misfit" by Yankee definition, as Robbie
the Reindeer was a smashing success in its native
country of England. It looks unmistakably like something
from the Wallace and Gromit guys (Aardman), yet it was
actually done by a team of former Aardman employees. Robbie
did well enough to get two sequels.

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There are two versions of the
first two Robbie specials. Hooves of
Fire was shown in its raw British form on
cable for a few years; then CBS purchased the
rights and redubbed all the voices with American
celebrities. Robbie now had the voice of Ben
Stiller, and his love interest gained the acting
chops and parental skills of Britney Spears.

Look, you can throw an ornament at my
head if you want to, but....I have to admit
Britney's performance as Donner was actually
pretty good. I normally loathe all things
Britney, but she somehow found a hidden talent
this time. She should do more voice acting, and
less of everything else.

Robbie's ace in the hole is that he's
the son of the most famous reindeer of all, Ru---oop,
can't say his name in this special. Robbie has not only
inherited his father's genes, but gained an improved
version--his super-nose can pinpoint any place in the
world instantly.

Because he takes his destined position
for granted, Robbie's a bit lazy. He arrives at the North
Pole one April assuming all reindeer do for the 364 days
in between Christmasses is party down, and he's
disappointed when he finds out they do a lot of exercise
and weightlifting instead.

Not everyone's happy to
see Robbie arrive. Blitzen, who would have been the lead
reindeer if Mister Neon-Nose hadn't stolen his thunder,
bears an inherited grudge against Robbie. He immediately
starts working behind the scenes on Evil Plans to halt
Robbie's career before it starts.

Donner takes a liking to
Robbie, but her feelings go unrequited: Robbie only has
eyes for femme fatale Vixen. And Vixen's working with
Blitzen, so nobody wins.

"She's so
beautiful....yet I have this thing where I can't talk to
girls if I love them!"
"You can talk to me, though."
"Course I can; we're mates!"

By that he means the UK
term for "friends." Across the sea this means
"lovers," and there are other such parts in the
original special where dialogue could be
misunderstood--or just plain not understood. From that
perspective, I guess an American redub would make sense.

Especially when we get to
Santa Claus. HOLY NIGHT, he barely resembles himself.
Instead of the customary deep "HO HO HO" voice,
they used a high-pitched Englishman with a thick accent.
This is to say nothing of that outfit. Is this really the
Claus you buck-toothed Brits hope will come down your
chimney? 'Swrong with you?

At a summer party hosted
by a few of the elves, Santa debuts his new sleigh
model...installed with, for the first time, a sattelite
navigation system. It was Blitzen's idea, and Robbie
reacts in horror. How can there be any place for him on
the team now? To tighten the screws on Rob and make
things worse, Blitzen gleefully announces his plan to
narrow the roster down: the reindeer that will be left
behind on Christmas Eve.....will be the one that is least
fit. And Robbie's been lying around eating cheeseburgers!

That night, Robbie paces
in despair by the fireplace and the giant portrait of
Rudolph. "I failed you, Dad," he sighs. Blitzen
approaches to rub it in and execute the final portion of
his scheme.

"Ah, don't worry,
Robbie....you'll make it onto the team anyway! And do you
know why? Because of your dad! They'll just kick off
someone who's been training a lot harder than you and
deserves it more. And when you end up slowing the team
down, and a few million children don't get their toys,
who will they blame? Not you....your dad! For putting you
on the team in the first place...."
"You're....you're right, Blitzen," Robbie sobs.
"You've opened my eyes." Robbie packs his
things and heads out into the cold.

There then occurs a moment
that only takes place in the BBC version where Vixen says
seductively to Blitzen, "I'm chilly. I wish someone
would stroke my fire." Blitzen runs upstairs and
says "My my. Looks like Christmas has come
early." O_O Wow.

If he's too unfit to be
a reindeer, perhaps Robbie can find work as an elf. He
gets a job painting lipstick onto dolls, but after a
mishap on the conveyor belt, he winds up in a package
himself. Robbie is demoted to janitor, but he fouls that
up too, so he's demoted again. "But what's lower
than janitor??" he asks.

Being used as the claw
to the mechanical forklift, that's what.

Donner stops by the elf
workshop, and is shocked to find Robbie there.

"You're not finished
yet, Robbie. I know a way you can get back on the sled!
Every year, 'round Christmas, there's a big sports
tournament for reindeer....the Reindeer Games! If you go
all out to win a medal...you can get your place back! But
you'll need a trainer. I looked in the phone book under
Old Codgers Who Can Save The Day....and 'round here,
there's only one. Old Jingles."
"Old Jingles?? He was old when my dad was young. Is
he still around?"

At that point, Old
Jingles' house finally falls off its perch (this is
seriously where he lives) and slides down the mountain.
It passes a polar bear and snatches his dinner away,
causing the bear to yell in cockney frustration "Yer
gonna get a reach slump for that hose!" Don't ask me
what that means in American; I lost my copy of the dubbed
version.

"There's one event
you can excel at, pupil, and that's the Steeple Chase.
Your great strength, Robbie, is in your nose. Bounce with
your nose, Robbie! BOUNCE with your NOOOOSE!"

As the months go on, and
Jingles and Donner coach him, Robbie sheds his excess
weight and gains muscle mass. This portion of the story
should be familiar to anyone who's seen a sports movie.
Ya need a MONTAAAAGE! MONTAAAAGE!

Finally, the day of the
Reindeer Games arrives. Dez Yeti and Alan Snowman are the
sportscasters, overlooking the entire event on a cliff.
Behind the scenes, Blitzen secretly slips a little
something into his own drink and flexes his muscles in
the mirror.

While Blitzen aces the
other events, Robbie arrives to prepare for the Steeple
Chase. Blitzen is furious that Robbie even had the guts
to show up, but Vixen says "Leave it to me."

"Hello, Robbie. You
love me, correct? You'll do whatever I tell you to,
right? Well, don't run in the Steeple Chase. There, you
worship me, so you won't run; it's settled."
"I'm....sorry, Vixen, but this is something I have
to do. I found the perfect trainer..." Robbie and
Donner blush.

If not even Vixen can stop
Robbie from competing, then who can?

At that moment one of the
elves arrives in a snowmobile and urgently announces to
Robbie that Old Jingles was trying to put his house back
uptop the hill, but it slid back down on top of him. He
needs a healthy, muscular hero to lift the house up and
save him! Yet the Steeple Chase is about to begin!

Robbie races right out of
the stadium as fast as he can. "He'll never win the
race in that direction. Now that's inexperienced,"
remarks the snowman.

Robbie saves Jingles from
his house-y fate, but was he too late?
"Ohh, Old Jingles...."
"Stay strong....very strong. Goodbye....old
friend...."

"ZZZZZZ...."

"Oh for pete's sake."
"Hey, when does this race start?"

Blitzen is in a wide lead,
now on his third lap. Robbie enters to begin his first.
Blitzen is fast, but Robbie is faster! The gap closes;
soon Robbie is two laps behind, then one! On the final
lap, he is neck and neck with Blitzen, who starts hitting
him in the face to slow him down!

Robbie stumbles over the
last steeple and Blitzen takes the lead! What can be done
now? The voices echo in Robbie's head...."THE NOOOSE
BOUNCE! USE THE NOOOOSE BOUNCE!"

Robbie nose-bounces
halfway across the track, and catches up to Blitzen just
before the finish line! It's down to the wire! The
winner, BY A NOSE, is....

...Blitzen. But while he's
celebrating, his drug tests come back, and he turns up
positive. Blitzen is disqualified, and Robbie is declared
the winner.

Why didn't it fit in?
This is a very well-written special and its success in
its native country is deserved. There's only one thing it
gets wrong, and that's the pacing--a fault of most modern
specials that try to cram too much into one half-hour.
Things moved even faster in the shorter American cut,
which lost seven whole minutes of footage. Perhaps it's
time to adjust for longer commercial times and start
giving new Christmas specials the breathing room of a
full-hour time slot.