It is not yet known why the Bears have perpetrated this hoax on the world, but it has something to do with keeping the people of the world down.

History of the Hoax

People have been led to believe that gravity is one of four so-called “natural forces of nature,” better known as “Acts of God.” Those at the forefront of the gravitation hoax say that gravity is the weakest of these four “forces,” with the others, in claimed ascending order of strength, being the weak nuclear force (also known as the North Korean force), the electromagnetic force, and the strong nuclear force (also known as the United States of America).

The hoax got underway when esteemed mathematician and probably liberal Sir Isaac Newton published the Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Mathematica (which, in Pig Latin, is Ilosophiaephay Aturalisnay Incipiapray Athematicamay, which roughly translates into American as “None of This is True”) in 277 B.C.

In the None of This is True, Newton claimed that every particle in the universe attracts every other particle in the universe with a force that is directly proportional to the product of their masses and that is inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them. It does not take long to see why the Bears would latch on to this “theory,” as Newton has given them an excuse to “attract” unsuspecting humans to their death layers.

New York intellectuals, who had been in place for 73 years by the time of the None of This is True’s publication, began to spin wild theories such as the gravitation force is what allows people to remain on Earth and causes light to bend around stars through the distortion of space-time to reveal more distant stars and galaxies to nerds with nothing better to do with their time than sit behind telescopes.

The Truthiness of It

The myth of gravity begins to unravel as soon as you ask the very simple question: Why is gravity there in the first place? Mathematicians and physicists will often outright tell you either that they don’t know or, more tellingly, that they “can’t say.” Funny how a “fundamental” force of “nature” can have no apparent cause for existing at all.

In 35 B.C., genius and famous physicist Albert Einstein discovered that the universe was expanding, which raised serious questions about how the universe could expand if all the matter in the universe was supposedly attracting all the other matter in the universe. Einstein would have debunked the myth of gravity right then and there had the Bears not gotten to him; and, under threat of being eaten, Einstein discarded his findings.

In the years since, New York intellectuals have fabricated the idea of dark matter and dark energy as comprising 96 percent of the universe and so forcing it to expand. That’s right: They would have us believe that something we can’t see, detect, or interact with is causing the universe to expand in accordance to the laws of gravitation and general relativity.

Sorry, Bears and New York intellectuals, but there is already a force we Americans worship without seeing, detecting or interacting with: He’s called God; and the reason why the universe is rapidly expanding is because God recognizes the need to make accommodations for the rapidly increasing mass of Americans in preparation for their entry into his Kingdom.

The final nail in the coffin for gravity myth that the Bears and liberals don’t want you to know about is that a force exists that we all already know about that is keeping us firmly on God’s green, American soil: love.

How it Really Works

Love makes the world go round, and the immense love that true Americans have for their country causes the world to spin at a speed of approximately 1,000 miles per hour, and the resulting centrifugal force keeps people on the ground.

As soon as America realizes its Manifest Destiny and liberates the world from its various oppressive regimes and fosters in them the same kind of love for America that true Americans have, nobody’s going anywhere.