3.30.2008

I gotta run my first race tommorow, and apparenlty I am anxious cause I can not go to sleep. So, in the mean time, I thought I'd drop some knowledge on you. Lupe's new album is hotness. Here are a few tracks that you should respect.

Gold Watch

Hello-Goodbye

Go Go Gadget Flow

Little Weapon

And that's it. He's no Jay or Nas....but he will do for the mid-west. lol, The last song is my joint. It's the only time he really stays focused on saying something with his rhymes. He is good. Get the album. I gotta run in 9 hours. Whap whap!

3.28.2008

But before I do. I have something to admit to you my fellow readers. And it's only right to tell you...because...well, it could start effecting my blogging. Its diffucult to say. But I did look up some information on a 12 step program, and they said the first thing I have to do I admit to the situation. So, here I go.

I have an addiction. It's, showtime series. Phewwww. I feel better.

Everyone who knows me well, knows that I like the following. Dragons. Ninjas. Zombies. Mac & Cheese. Tattoos. And drama series. I love drama series as much, if not more than than a good bubble bath with a glass of red being sucked though a twizzler acting as a straw. Let's run through the list of shows (mostly on premium stations) that suck me in and soak up my God given time....

Rome- on HBO, sex, love, togas and Gladiators = party time

John Adams-which is a literal interpretation of the liberation of the US from Britain...yet I am enthralled, also on HBO

Six Feet Under- just cerebral and deep and about death

The NBC mini series about the suffering of Native Americans- so deep it took 15 hours to explain within 3 episodes...and I didn't miss a second of it.It was humanity under a microscope

LOST- the first season (when I didn't watch it), I watched the entire DVD set in one setting. Yes, one long popcorn filled setting.

Sopranos- ofcoarse, though i dont admit because it is the conversation piece to every frat boy oriented scenario I know and hate

my new addiction.... Dexter and Tudors , currently rule my life and I am ok with it. Within this last week I am ashamed at how much time....nay, how many hours I have spent watching hour episode after hour episode.

I'd say its sad, but there are forces working against me here. We only have showtime for free for a month...so I need to act fast. My real worry...loosing my friends and family due to my dedication. Yeah right.....the shows outweigh everything right now....even this blog

Though I dont support the industry movment to make all of the 80's into movies for the 2000...I am excited about the GI Joe like action film. With that said, Straight from the mutha-fuckin (didnt mean to curse) new stands- the first picture is out. Meets Snake eyes. Color me impressed. It's just like the cartoon but awesomer. HEEEYYYYYOOOO!I think Snake Eyes is the sole reason for my love/fascination with Ninjas. Damn cartoons get in your mind and exploit you as an innocent child.

3.25.2008

ok, I lied. I need opinions on this set of ads. I recently, and by recently i mean the last three days, re-art directed these. I didn't want to put them in my book cause the copywriters are in the same field (location) as me.

Thoughts....opinion....Im feeling all insecure since my last professional review.

I guess this is the week of confession. I also was....was an avid fan of south park back in the day. I thouroughly remember watching the Christmas episode with Mister Hanky the Christmas Poo while I wrapped holiday gifts for the parents some years ago. And ohhhh did I laugh. But, alas like most things I do or get into, I surely loose interest. but my roommates are still going strong. And though I think the humor juvenile and almost repulsive, I must show you clips from last nights episode. Britney Spears is the target, celebritdom is the topic. Especially funny is her MTV performance. It's almost scary how life-like and realistic it is.

3.20.2008

Aubry, Aubry, Aubry. How did Puffy let you leave your house looking like that?Your a joke. At least I'm not a joke....to look at.

At least you weren't on national TV, trying to be a model, with paint all over your face, when all of America,,,and Tyra Banks...made fun of you for not shaving. Favorite Quote: Niegel, "You know, a razor cost $1." Ewwwwww. I mean...do I really need to say anything. You are not infected with death.

Niether am I.Atleast you dont have a baby. And if you do, atleast the Pug that you choose to bring in the family photo isn't in a ugly competition with your child. Im pretty sure they feed him (it) canned ugly.

"HOLD ME"

Atleast you dont work for Mel Gibson. His employees tend to kill themselves.

Second time Im making this joke today...but how was this lady able to stand the sun light? The bottom of my shoe looks better than her. Must be sharing that jarred ugly with Tori Amos's kid.

I hate squirrels as much as the next guy. Infact, after watching an episode of When Animals Attack, I fear them. But this is living proof that you can dress up anything in a ridiculous miniature out fit, and someone will find it adorable.

now, I will be the first to admit that I am, of the Real World watching generation. In the early 90s there was nothing, and I mean nothing on TV better than Real World. When I was in different cities, all I would think about was "where is the real world house?" I wanted to be on the show so bad, that i actually scheduled it into my life. High school, 2 years of college, REAL WORLD, last two years of college. I would have even went abroad, though I would despise being in a country that doesnt speak english as their first language. My plan to get on, was being a "black man who did not like black people." Fools proof right? Until Dave Chappelle, it was a true winner and a great conversation starter. Now I just stare at the floor when I meet new people.

Today, it is something of a new beast. And I realize that it is of waning interest to the youngings. In fact, i think it is us old heads who are keeping the whole franchise alive. And that is a hard task to put upon ones shoulders. Its been awhile since I have watched an entire season....I start out strong, but end up inevitably loosing interest in the characters (like I dont even remember who was in Australia.(I do remember Cohutta's country ass though, still think he is an actor). But I am still into the challenges...the Gaunlets and what not (though not truly abreast on some new players).

With that said MTV recently hosted its Real World Awards Bash. In which you the viewer (and myself) get to vote on. And this excites me. Its like the perfect nostalgia (videos, picture...you name it). Great for me. Not so great for the cast. Why? Because they ALL look like shit. Please view examples as follows:

I know what you are thinking......no one can look worse than Nathan who not only aged 10....thousand years and was recently attacked by an army of cold soars, or Tanya whose only job is to be a whore, but now she is fat, or Jon....who is 88, or Coral trying to cover her eighteen head with bangs, or Puck who looks like he contracted the HIV, or Eric who apparently just got back from a third world country after a bout of guerrillawarfare.

But its gets better.

Matt from New Orleans takes the gold for being a fatty bobatty (best thing I could come up with--Aoife talk for FAT ASS).

Ohhhhhhhh man. So, my real world dream is officially over. There was a time when all one had to worry about was being stuck in the purgatory that was MTV challenges (BTW, did anyone catch the outcome of the Gauntlet 3?, I'll blog about it soon) or never being able to get a real job (not too different form my life now)....but now I have to worry about becoming ugly too!

Spitzer, Spitzer, Spitzer. It is my belief that he is being offered up as a sacrificial lamb. I personally think that there are not only other high rollers in office doing the same thing, but there are way worse happenings out there.

But hey, now that it is out there...

Apparently the NY times is publishing a story in which they are commissioning 10 artist to express their feelings and such. There are some Ogilvy creatives involved...as you can see to your right.

Ok, I feel so behind. I have been gone for 4 days...count it. I even missed my Friday funny (because I did not have time to look for it).

In the mean time, while I gather the information needed to entertain the masses...I want to wish your guys a Happy Irish Day. Or days, depending on where you live....four separate occasions to be exact. Last Sunday (death served on a plate), this past Saturday and Sunday and for the icing on the cake throw in a Monday... Chicago (even though it is only one day on the calender) had me literally seeing green for days.By the fourth "celebration day" I felt like some one was after my lucky charms. And I just don't give those away for free ya dig.

But anyway, I promise to get some stuff up on this site. I have to keep my readership up. All 5 of you, your a needy bunch.

PS 1: I think I am going to put myself back on the market. So girls...get your resume together. And if you are looking for a man that will be around this summer, its me. My room is mad small, and I need a new/back-up summer pad.

PS 2: Ill be in NY this weekend celebrating the Bunny Egg and such with the FamFam. I will only be in town 5 days...and most of them are booked, as I am becoming the God Father to the cutest kid in the world. So, its no big thing. A quick in and out. Except I have no fucking camera. Of course HP cameras cannot be fixed. So it not only dropped last Sunday (at Irish day 1), it died. Leave it to me to buy the only camera in all of Circuit City that cant be fixed when broken.

Copy: Though she was a tiger lady, our hero didn't have to fire a shot to floor her. After one look at his Mr Leggs slacks, she was ready to have him walk all over her. That noble styling sure soothes the savage heart! If you'd like your own doll-to-doll carpeting, hunt up a pair of these he-man Mr. Leggs slacks. Such as our new automatic wash wear blend of 65% "Dacron" and 35% rayon - incomparably wrinkle-resistant. About $12.95 at plush-carpeted stores." "Get yourself a new pair of Mr. Leggs."

This was a real ad in the 60's. Aren't we glad that it is no longer the 60s?Or are we..........*insert creepy music here*

3.12.2008

1. Multi-taskers raise your hot damn hands. Try this: while sitting on a chair, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. Then, while doing that, draw the number 6 with your right hand. You can’t help it: your foot will change direction. Similarly: move your right leg in anti-clockwise circles and simultaneously draw the number 8 with your right hand. Another tricky thing to do: simultaneously rotate the index fingers of both hands clockwise. Do it slowly at first, but then pick up speed. Try to go faster and faster, and pretty soon your two fingers will be going in opposite directions!I suggest trying all of these at work. If you are like me...with no shame level and a progressively growing lack of "caring", these little tricks could make you the new cool kid at your respective jobs. Or atleast waste 5 minutes of the 8 hour day.

What should you expect? :Fulfilling God’s mission through your Gospel Magic;Following God’s command through your Chalk Drawings;Rejoicing in God’s favor through your Ventriloquism & Storytelling;Marveling at God’s Grace when children respond to His call through you Clowning;Revealing God’s glory through your Puppetry;Expressing God's beauty through the art of Face Painting;Declaring God’s word through Drama & Juggling;Delighting in God’s way through your Balloon Artistry; . . . Pledging our ministry to God.

3. Here is a general rule of thumb. Black face, is STILL not ok...Robert Downey Jr. Though you do make one hell of an authentic black guy. Still...very, very wrong. If you weren't in that awesome looking Iron Man movie, I would be peeved.

4. Real Life Flipper. In other breaking news...hamster makes one hell of a pancake. Nawww...Im just joking. Albinos don't make pancakes.

5. Ummmmm, the Sun reported the presence of a terrorizing gnome in a small town in South America. I know, I know....you are thinking, its a midget. But watch the video. If that doesn't creep you out, you would be a nice addition to the Marines. it's like that one scene in that M Knight Shamamamamamalamamnon movie about aliens with Mel Gibson. You know, when the Alien goes to the birthday party uninvited. All he wants is some ice cream cake.

6. Want a crazy hippie Monster Bag made from yarn and named Gertrude? Well there you go. I'm pretty sure my pal Maya would really go bananas over this. Not that she is a crazy hippie. But she may be a Hip Crazy. Maya, as an avid reader...this one is for you. See...I'm good to my readers.

7. Ok, so i like cartoons. Which means....you gotta hear about it. But seriously, deviant art just became my new favorite obsession. It makes me want to draw again. Like really, really badly. This guy is soo good. Sorry for getting all cartoony on you.

8. This is what happens when you let copy writer get too cerebral with your shit. Vasectomy ads made for March maddness fans.

Radio Spot:

"When March Madness approaches you need an excuse ... to stay at home in front of the big screen. Get your vasectomy at Oregon Urology Institute the day before the tournament starts. It's snip city."

Insert Balls joke here ___________________. _______________.

9. Are you an artist or a trades person? What about prom night or special evening out? What about Animation?

What about it? Where can I find someone to do it? This video doesn't tell me. I just want to know where that hot blond chick got her dress from. What about that?

Ever wonder about the relevancy of advertising? I don't, but I'm pretty sure my parents are still skeptical....even after 6 years on training wheel (expensive ones) it sure isnt like being a doctor or a lawyer. And my friends are probably still wondering why I still don't have a job. But now for my rebuttal.

Thanks to Eliot Spitz the secrets behind running a successful high class brothel have come to light. And it's no pretty woman type stuff. It's like Richard Gere stuff from the male prostitution movie he was in way back when. And when a man (Gov Spitz) is willing to drop 80 thousand American made dollars on it...you know its good. Necessities; 1. A rating system for the clientele, they use diamonds on a 1 to 7 scale. I would probably use straight up dollar signs but thats the hood in me. 2. A website- in the year of 2007, one always always always needs a website, and the Emperor's VIP Club had one. Log in...browse your expensive hooker of choice, add them to the cart and make sure you billing address is the same as you mailing address. Free delivery on any purchase above $10 thous. 3. My personal favorite........Ad Revenue. Along side each working girls portfolio was a link inviting companies to advertise on the site.....just email ads@emperorsclubvip.com...for you know, rates and stuff. They promised superb clientele and numerous hits.

Check out the other ways one would start and maintain a successful brothel. There are quiet a few. Then you get to add the title Madame or Mistress to the front of you name. A win/win situation, I feel.

GOOOO Advertising!

Favorite Related Quotes:

"Oh NO, HO!"- NY Post

"If that man was spending $80 dollars a year on some sex, his wife is to blame. I mean she really was not doing her job at home."

3.11.2008

Isn't this a fun little photo. I practically hate my life right now...but this made me feel better. It's so light and effortless. Visit David Shrigly. All of his stuff seems really obscure and ironic. Other ones I really like: Hate and Landmine. I dare to ask...what do you think? Too obscure??? I feel like copying...I mean, emulating.

One may actually think that Jenna Jameson is not the perfect spokes model for Peta. But lets all really think about it for a sec. Jenna, would probably rather wear nothing (or pleather) rather than wear fur. Infact she would probably rather be naked than wear fur. And this is good for PETA.

and I know you do too. That is why I am posting these picture to keep you abreast with what is happening with our young people today. Let their bright open minds shine. This is our future.

Ok, I have some theories as to what exactlymoon babies are.....ok, I actually don't have a clue as to what this kid is talking about. But doesn't it sound mildly racist?

CystalMeth: Friend or Foe. I'm pretty sure it is foe. Remind me, when/if I become a parent, to make sure my kids dont walk out of the house with something for school that could embarrass my family name. Just, send me a memo (btw, for a meth head...the one in the yellow is kinda hot, no?).The Code of the Meniscus. I would atleast have some care in what he is talking about if that gnarly sweater didn't demand all of my attention. All of my cognitive is used up.

Exreme Wood. Either this kid is a wise ass...or the entire education system as we know it is a joke. I want to make a board titled, "Dangerous Head" or "Cockalicous (Roosters)." This kid knows all about animal magnetism. I'm sure all the girls are lining up infront of his basement door waiting to play Dungeons and Dragons and caress his pubescent moustache. Mmmmm.Global Warming- Yeah Right! We need oxygen to breath- Yeah Right! Dogs can't speak- Yeah Right! Gravity-Yeah Right!

This is our future....only marginally worse than all of my science projects.

This will be brief. Halle, Halle, Halle. I was reading an article today, which was making fun of her for being preggers for so long when I came across the fact that she is not married to the baby daddy, but merely dating him. I just wanted to make a PDA regarding the lack of marriage that is going on today. Bravo and kudos. If you are gonna knock up a famous person...it is best to not have and binding paper work(ie Brit and Kev.). Forget about an engagment ring and that...uhhh, what do you call it?...promise stuff; just knock them up. BTW, I did not know that Kimora LeeSimmons and Blood Diamond star DjimonHounsou were dating. I mean...does Russel know? If not, he will know when she poops out an african baby. It's gonna be like KuntaKente (or Tobe, depending on who you are rooting for) meets Jet Li or The Roots meet Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Genius. Genius. Genius. And listen...if Russel doesn't know...I wouldn't take a million dollars to be that person to tells him. He is kind of intimidating...like in a Dad way. Actually, I am afraid of him. Wouldn't it be funny though, if Baby Phat started making customizable bedazzled spears. You know...to hunt wild boar in the hood looking "mad hot son". Eliot Spitzer for president. I dont know about everyone else, but I much more enjoyed the first stories that broke saying that this NY governor was "running" a sex ring. Instead he just participated. Whapwhap! What happened to the good old days when politician use to be able to get away with anything they wanted. I think he was just trying to do his wife a service. He respects her so much... that he would rather import a whore from across country, than skeet all over her face. Admittedly so, it is hard being both a good husband and politician. Remember that time when the new Gnarls Barkley video was banned from MTV because it failed the "causes epilepsy test." I watched it...and almost immediately fell into an epileptick. Thank the gods I had some orange juice around. What? Wait....huh? I think you should try it...make sure you open this link in a new window and erase your browser history first...I cant have the FBI busting in my door every time someone dies of boredom and lameness. If anything, the video will leave you in need of an aspirin.

Ok, that is all I got for now. Go about your boring Tuesdays and dont you worry, I will be back.

Almost everywhere it is acceptable to drop your food on the floor, and it be good enough to eat, if and only if you pick it up before a certain period of time. Some people call it the 5 second rule- which means upon the accidental drop...you audibly (so others can hear) call "5 second rule" and pick it (food) up almost immediately....before the germs and really deadly shit get to it. And then you are safe to pop it in your mouth and enjoy.

The amount of time varies from location to location, in between genders and even in between cultures (alot has to do with your "grossness" factor).

And yes, that is all this blog is about. I just happened to stumble upon the story and thought it was interesting. Not a fan of pda myself, I cant say that I feel bad for the kids- I can see why having a relationship in highschool is a distraction. I mean, I went to an all boys prep school and I was able to go 8 hours and then talk and be all highschool lovey dovey to my gf after. And look, I turned out ok. Mostly because I had nothing else to focus on but doing work in highschool and then getting into a good college. I'm just saying......

This rule might be so good, that I may apply it to my daily life. Hugs, kisses, high fives....maybe then, I will get my life back on track. If anything, it will allow me more seconds in the day to pick my food up off the floor and eat it. "30 second rule"

PS Can you imagine the prude student who got this rule implemented in the first place? Virgin for life pin...right on her/his blazer lapel in a public school.

3.05.2008

see what a little dental work can do? even beetle juice, who is only casted in things simply to surprise the sh*t out of you/scare you to death. Now he just needs to get the rest of his face fixed. And at least I know that no matter how badly I need to go to the dentist...I will never look this gross.Melissa Joan Heart...whats that? You're preggers? Or were you turned into a whale by a fellow jealous witch? Since you had a show and all. Jealousy is a horrible thing. And your a monster. ROOOAAAAR!Awwwwww....Chris Brown and Rihanna, confirmed. Doesn't that make you feel good? Young love, obvious collaboration and another horny teen off the streets. Success.Its been reported that Paris Hilton's guru was indeed a fake. But when I saw this picture beforehand, I couldn't help but to feel good about myself as she, while looking for spiritual help, sips her $5 coffee driving her spiritual leader around unbuckled in her pricey car.

Great googly moogly, itsBloosom form the early 90s hit Blossom. You aged as well as a spoiled orange. Like really, really well. You are like 30 and look 70. Good job using that money from your show. Six is still hot. And Joey...always a dream boat. And you look like Bet Midler.

And finally but not least.....Beckham pays a visit to some hospital in Asia on his off time to play peek-a-boo with Asian babies. Cute no? I feel like that baby is like..."Holy F*ck,that's David Beckham!"