Forget "Sex and the City". Welcome to "Booze and the Valley"! DISCLAIMER: No names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Valentine's Massacre

Yeah, yeah, yeah...I haven't blogged in forever. Get over it. Or, better yet...how about you do something embarassing so I can write about it and make fun of you?! OK..moving on.

After a very full glass of wine, and many Dove chocolates later, I decided to make fun of Martha Stewart. Martha has written up some tips on how to make your Valentine's Day special for that special someone, and she wrapped up delicious chocolates with these tips. I can't help but to read every single one of them. Everytime. And everytime I can't help but to think, "Really? Really, Martha? Is that the best your underpaid minions can come up with?" I'm pretty sure Dove recycles these tips every year. A few sound familiar.

#1) Dry your Valentine roses and make a sachet or potpurri. This little tidbit reminds me of the time I came home on a Valentine's Day and the Ex-Mr. Sarah K had a dozen red roses waiting for me. I laughed. Then I felt bad. Then I instructed him to never, ever spend money on roses during Valentine's week. The prices are jacked up, and the flowers die faster than normal. I wanted to know how much he spent, but I didn't want to know. "A LOT" was the answer. OK, so really, Martha? A sachet? Cuz everyone isn't as crafty as me. And I'm pretty freakin crafty.

#2) Pipe messages with chocolate and a plastic bag with a hole. Where?? On what?? That frozen pizza I just made? A sticky note? The bathroom mirror? My cats can't read, anyway. I'll skip that one.

#3) A wreath form cut like a heart is a V-day decoration in the making. Yes, but who is going to finish it for me?

#4) Insert a toothpick into the base of a tiny rose for garnish. Of what?? That frozen pizza I just made?

#5) Dry strawberries thoroughly before dipping in chocolate. This tip is better for the summer months. When strawberries are ripe and don't cost as much as 3 gallons of gas.

#6) Serve a sugar cube on a rose petal. Cha-right! Who has ROSE PETALS lying around?? I served tea to the Queen last week, and she takes it with 2 lumps, and I was so embarassed to not have rose petals to serve them on. For cryin out loud, Martha. Were you that desperate for one more tip?

In case you are anti-Valentine's Day, feel free to celebrate my half birthday. That's right. Exactly 6 months from February 14th, I will be 29. Again.

6 comments:

Valentines day. My girlfriend and I are going to a FREE concert and NOT buying really expensive cards with soppy generic cliches in them. So much more awesome than spending the $8.35 I have lying around. The fact that I have someone to spend Valentines day with, unlike all those previous years, still doesn't change my opinion that spending large amounts of money is pointless and meaningless.

I also have rose petals lying around. You don't? You're so weird! You totally should feel embarrassed to not have rose petals everywhere like normal people.

And THAT, my dear, is why i LOVE LOVE LOVE you! I have the exact same thoughts...including the wine & chocolate, of course. Lets see...I want to go out on Valentines Day WHY? They jack up the prices, if your server is single, they're pissed becuase everyone else but themselves is in love. If they are in a relationship, they are pissed because they think they should be with the other person, not stuck serving you.

IS IT REALLY WORTH ALL THE MONEY & ANGUISH?!?!? Hell no, if i am in a relationship with someone, it damn well better not come down to taking me out one night a year for me to know they love me! Like cleaning my car off when we get dumped on by snow...cleaning the litter box every once in a while so i dont have to do it...bring home Taco Bell on a Wednesday...(give me your visa/mastercard/american express so i can go shopping...)

Who has rose petals?? I have a better question, who has frickin sugar cubes?? Should I put my Splenda packet on a plant leaf? That might work better, my plant is dead anyway. Thanks for doing all that research for us, Sarah. I know that must have been hard for you.

By the way, my word verification was "ressesh." I think that's either the sound you made as you were reading those Dove wrappers or an illegal drug made of recycled hash.

Are you sure that's from Martha? Because I can't imagine her using a plastic bag for anything. She'd definitely tell you to whip out your pastry bag and assorted tips (which of course you own for cake & cookie decorating).