Thursday, March 9, 2017

The Only Good Thing About Running

Being away from home in a hotel means I can't keep my regular fitness regimen which is pole dance. Because this hotel is family friendly and doesn't have a stripper pole. Thus, forcing me to cross train. It'll be good for me, I thought. Because being away from home in a hotel also means I'm off my regular healthy eating regime. Because there's a waffle maker at the breakfast bar, not to mention an array of other carbs. Some with frosting even. But, everyone knows hotel/road trip/vacation calories don't count. Somehow, even though I don't count them, somehow they still add up. Which is why I need to work out.

The first morning after carb loading, I went down to the fitness center to redeem myself. I'll just use the Stairmaster. Hops on and can't figure out how to change the settings. Ok, the treadmill it is! I can't get the start button to work. Seriously, what is wrong with me? Alright stationary bike, looks like it's you and me. You know what's worse than riding a boring, monotonous stationary bike for 10 minutes and seeing you've only burned 10 calories? Watching Fox News while you do it because you can't figure out how to change the TV channel either. Ugh...this is just not working for me. And I was desperate. Not desperate enough to not eat waffles though, but desperate enough that I decided to run the next day.

I HATE RUNNING.

The only thing good about running is when you finally stop.

But, for the love of free cookies (which I'm also eating every day, because come on, free deliciousness), I've got to do it because god knows I'm not going to stop eating.

So, I drop my youngest off at school and head to the park next to it where there's a nice trail with a view of the mountains. I start running. See? This isn't so bad. And it's gorgeous. I feel so engaged with my surroundings. Mostly because I was being cautious on the rocky trail so I wouldn't roll an ankle. And also because I was watching for rattlesnakes who call Ute Valley home. I should do this every day! Also, I may have been running downhill when I thought all these thoughts.

I had different thoughts running uphill. I should mention, I live at almost 7,000 ft. Hey, I bet it burns more calories running at a higher elevation than it does at sea level. So, I could actually run less distance for the same result, I think. That sounds right, right about now. Oh wait, you know what's even better than a sustained heart rate for optimal fitness? A variable heart rate. Stops running and starts walking. This is completely justified. I only stopped running for my health, not because I wanted or needed to stop. Even though I totally wanted to stop. That doesn't count. Sees someone coming. Starts to run again. Passes a 75 year old man walking so I can claim I passed someone while running. Starts walking again when I get in front of him. Hears him catching up to me. Starts running again. I will not be passed by a 75 year old man walking at almost 7,000 ft, I have my pride, you know!

When I don't run into anyone for a while I remember that mountain lions also call this area home. Then I remember there's lots of deer to eat, so they have plenty of food so, they wouldn't want to eat me. Except, I run slower than a deer. Runs a little faster. Wait, does running entice mountain lions to give chase? I should probably stop running, not because I want to, but for my own safety. Which bonus, also varies my heart rate. WINNING! Encounters other people on the trail. Remembers reading the sign at the trailhead that said, For your protection, secure your valuables in trunk. Also remembers I left my purse in the front seat of my minivan. Runs faster. Gets the parking lot in my sight line and starts walking. Everyone knows you need to cool down by walking after a run. The fact that my run contained a lot of walking is just a technicality.

The only thing good about running is when you finally stop.

RUNNING IS STUPID!

The only running that isn't stupid is when you're racing to be the first to the waffle maker at the breakfast bar. Which totally counts as cardio if you do it right!

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About me

I'm Marie, author of the book, Rock the Kasbah: A Memoir of Misadventure. Not to be confused with the movie or Zooey Deschanel. I'm a forty-something writer, dancer, world traveler, wife and mother of four who moved back to Colorado from living abroad in Morocco a few years ago. Oh and did I mention I have some serious social anxiety? And that I screw things up a lot? Like a whole lot.