Okay, I just finished a date with my girl friend of a few years and I am a bit frustrated. She is 30 years old, hasn't had too many relationships, and is pretty shy and passive. What I am frustrated about is that we cannot seem to connect sexually. Let me describe our usual date: Either my place or her place, I cook regardless, we have some wine, snuggle on the couch usually watch tv. If anything happens, I have to be the one to initiate, and sometimes I get turned down, she never initiates. Lately I don't even have time to initiate since she is too tired and she "just wants to snuggle".

I know these things have their ups and downs, but the underlying thing is sex does not seem to be much of a priority. She will never initiate, and when we do have sex (like once each month) I am lucky if she even touches me. On top of that I am lucky if I get oral sex twice a year, she gets it almost everytime we have sex. When I bring these issues up she says I need to be better at putting the moves on her.

She SEEMS to enjoy sex when we have it. I make sure she orgasms before we even get to intercourse, but it seems like all the planets have to be in alignment before anything happens. Occasionally we will take a day off to spend together (I have partial custody of my son so I don't have lots of free time), when we take time off together usually we never end up in the sack. I would like nothing more than to spend the whole day making love to her.

She tells me that once she is less stressed things will get better in the intimacy department, but it seems to be getting worse rather than getting better. Even when we take a weeks vacation to the carribean (which we do once each year), we only seem to be able to have sex a few times.

She swears we do not have mismatched libidos, it's just that we miss-connect. This excuse would be more plausable if she touched me during sex or went down on me more often. In every other way we are very compatible and I am very attracted to her and I love her very much. It makes the frustration all the more difficult. This is becoming a make or break deal for me, but I keep holding out with the hopes that things will change, and if they do this would be the best relationship I ever had.

If I press the issue I know we would have sex more often, but I am convinced she would just be doing it to appease me.

This is just a bit of a rant, since this is our third date without sex, so I am frustrated at the moment. I don't know that things will turn around for us, so is it worth holding on to see if things turn around?

Gold Member

All I'm gonna say is that I have heard from too many couples that when sex stops being exciting that the relationship is already in a downfall. Sex is not usually the problem in and of itself. It's usually a symptom of much deeper problems. If she won't tell you the real reasons why, that's even more troubling.

I imagine, from what you said, that you are getting her off with oral sex before you even start fucking. Don't do that. Hold off helping her to orgasm until later in the sex session so that she is more into it (passionate) thoughout the sex session.

Also, vary your routine. When things seem boring I tease my chicks by bringing her really close to orgasm them switching to something else like:

- suck her tits
- fingering her while nibbling on her neck
- pretending I'm a porn star, and flipping her into every possible position (It's amazing what positions your body will get into if you just let them happen . . . and sometimes you find a position that is just unbelievable)
- carressing her in a new way while fucking her. For example, I love fucking a chick doggie style while holding onto her hips and carressing the creases on the front side of her legs where her legs meet her hips with my fingers.
- teasing pentration- massaging her labia and clit with the tip of my dick and do very shallow penetrations until she begs for it (deep penetration)
- confidently stick your cock in her face with the clear unashamed expectation of being sucked off after having already vaginal penetrated her (I doing this with a very big cheshire cat grin)

Finally, at the end of the sex session (before you come) get her off then come.

Also trying doing porn star talk during sex . . . everytime you do something new say "you like that don't you" or "how do you like it". Eventually she will start giving you feedback and being more assertive.

BTW, you are not the only one responsible for her orgasm; she is also responsible. I have been known on occasion to come without getting my partner off, let her get pissed off, then telling her she needs to be more interactive and tell me what she likes because doing the same thing to get her off just because it works is fucking boring.

Gold Member

You're mismatched sexually, nothing more to it. You need to talk to her and tell her that you're disatisfied with your sex life, 'things will get better' is just a way of putting you off, sex lives never get better unless people are prepared to put in work on them and it sounds like she isn't. It's usually the woman who gets to dictate sexual terms and this isn't fair you're both in the relationship - tell her that it is a problem for you and that you've settled for less sex than you wanted but now it's time for you both to meet in the middle, you're happy settling for a bit less than you'd ideally like but she must make the effort to make you more satisfied. What sort of relationship is it if she's not wanting to please you? Don't let her get away with 'you need to be better at putting the moves on her' unless she's prepared to tell you what she considers these moves should be- you're not psychic and if she feels you're not pleasing her she has no excuse for not telling you in which ways she feels you're not.

If she acts like this at this point it may not be a good match. The sex should be good in the beginning and even better as you get to know each others desires and needs. From what you are saying she is not catching on to what you want/ need. Sounds frustrating!

I agree with SpoiledPrincess. I've been in a similar situation, and things will not "get better" on their own. I think ultimately you will have to decide if other parts of the relationship make up for the lack of sex.

Gold Member

I imagine, from what you said, that you are getting her off with oral sex before you even start fucking. Don't do that. Hold off helping her to orgasm until later in the sex session so that she is more into it (passionate) thoughout the sex session.

Also, vary your routine. When things seem boring I tease my chicks by bringing her really close to orgasm them switching to something else like:

- suck her tits
- fingering her while nibbling on her neck
- pretending I'm a porn star, and flipping her into every possible position (It's amazing what positions your body will get into if you just let them happen . . . and sometimes you find a position that is just unbelievable)
- carressing her in a new way while fucking her. For example, I love fucking a chick doggie style while holding onto her hips and carressing the creases on the front side of her legs where her legs meet her hips with my fingers.
- teasing pentration- massaging her labia and clit with the tip of my dick and do very shallow penetrations until she begs for it (deep penetration)
- confidently stick your cock in her face with the clear unashamed expectation of being sucked off after having already vaginal penetrated her (I doing this with a very big cheshire cat grin)

Finally, at the end of the sex session (before you come) get her off then come.

Also trying doing porn star talk during sex . . . everytime you do something new say "you like that don't you" or "how do you like it". Eventually she will start giving you feedback and being more assertive.

BTW, you are not the only one responsible for her orgasm; she is also responsible. I have been known on occasion to come without getting my partner off, let her get pissed off, then telling her she needs to be more interactive and tell me what she likes because doing the same thing to get her off just because it works is fucking boring.

You're mismatched sexually, nothing more to it. You need to talk to her and tell her that you're disatisfied with your sex life, 'things will get better' is just a way of putting you off, sex lives never get better unless people are prepared to put in work on them and it sounds like she isn't. It's usually the woman who gets to dictate sexual terms and this isn't fair you're both in the relationship - tell her that it is a problem for you and that you've settled for less sex than you wanted but now it's time for you both to meet in the middle, you're happy settling for a bit less than you'd ideally like but she must make the effort to make you more satisfied. What sort of relationship is it if she's not wanting to please you? Don't let her get away with 'you need to be better at putting the moves on her' unless she's prepared to tell you what she considers these moves should be- you're not psychic and if she feels you're not pleasing her she has no excuse for not telling you in which ways she feels you're not.

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Well said Spoiled Princess! I hate to say it but perhaps you need to part ways.

Maybe you need to show her she's a woman and not just a sex object. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you just 'proposition' her then get frustrated when she refuses you.

Give her some compliments like 'damn baby, you so FINE' lol etc...and don't make everything about sex. Just grab her ass, kiss her and say 'I love you' or whatever...then walk away. Do this, maybe get her some chocolates and stuff for a week or so. She will probably think something is wrong but then she'll either initiate sex or be mad for it.

I would just do that and wait for her to jump on you. Girls can be funny sometimes.

If you are already doing the above then yes she is VERY shy and sexually submissive/disinterested. Maybe think about finding someone else?

Thanks for all the replies, there were a lot of good points made. I think the best thing to do is see if I can raise her interest level, and not make her feel like just a sex object. I do think we have mismatched libidos, but if I can find a way to increase her desire, then things will work out fine. Although I think this is much easier said then done.

So there are a few things worth trying, starting with some frank talk, and I will just have to go from there.

Frank talking might make her feel like she's a sexual abnormality. Just touch her and kiss her randomly...kiss her neck and go 'mmm you smell good' then go do something else...and just bide your time. Til she jumps your bone(s)