Recently, a dear and respected friend proclaimed how it seems we tend to be glib when it comes to the use of words and phrases and how unceremoniously we cast about seemingly innocent, casual comments. I think he was right.

As any of my clients, if asked, would attest, I'm a stickler when it comes to using words (perhaps irritatingly so). I've witnessed the impact their use or misuse can wield, and I try to pay close attention in an attempt to use their power for good.

Perhaps one of the most casually used phrases in the relationship realm has to do with marriage. You've likely heard it or used it, referring to your spouse as your "better half."

According to a website called "The Phrase Finder," the term was originally used by the Roman poet Horace to allude not to a spouse, but to a friend so dear, he or she was more than half of a person's being.

I get it, OK. The phrase is a way to imply someone has "married up," insinuating they are fortunate to have landed their spouse. But is it really used totally in jest?

Please, consider for a moment, if you use these words to describe your husband or wife, what you are actually saying: that not only are you but half a person, you also happen to be the worst half; the lesser of the two. What a favorable light in which to view oneself.

What's the harm in having a perceived better half? It can lead to a dangerous relationship dynamic, one that culminates in a person in my profession hearing an expression I hear far too often. If I had a nickel for every time I've heard it uttered, I'd be financially ready to retire today. The saying goes, "I love you, I'm just not in love with you."

A participant in a parenting group I was leading lately described the dynamic accurately. I'd asked everyone in the group, in go-around fashion, to share how many kids they have, their ages, etc. The contributor quipped that she was parent to three kids, the oldest of whom was 41, including her spouse as one of her kids.

Everyone laughed in the only way we can because we've heard something to which we can so truly relate. I very likely laughed the loudest. Another woman, sitting close to where I was standing, looked directly at me and remarked, in deadpan fashion, "Don't laugh. You know you've said the same thing."

Actually, I don't believe I have, but I do understand what she's saying. There is nothing wrong with a spouse sometimes offering caring, loving acts of service for his or her family, but what happens to romance and passion when the pervasive dynamic between partners becomes primarily one of parent-child rather than equal partners?

Popular culture would have us believe to be happy in our committed relationships, we need only find our soul mates, our compatible cohorts and the one who completes us. I counter that notion with a quote from Rabbi Barnett Brickner who stated, "Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate."

To bring the veracity of this statement to bear, consider current divorce rates. For first marriages, it stands somewhere around 50 percent. For second marriages, it's close to 60 percent, and for third and subsequent marriages, it's somewhere around 70 percent.

It's far easier to lament our relationships survive or sink because of sheer happenstance, based on whether or not we happen to connect with our soul mates, rather than to realize, perhaps painfully so, there is one common denominator in all prior attempts - and it is not the other person.

Author and therapist Roberta Gilbert, in her book "The Dance of Connection," characterizes the healthiest, most robust romantic relationships as being separate, equal and open. To be separate means the relationship includes a healthy balance of separateness and togetherness, each person being able to maintain a sense of "we" without feeling they must sacrifice the "me." Being equivalent indicates a congruent amount of give and take, talking and listening. Openness refers to a sharing of selves and no need for secrets or hiding.

If you've ever felt you have a better half, consider how you might "equal-up" in your relationship. That way, you interact with your partner from a position of a complete person, capable of sharing and giving rather than someone who needs to be completed.

Which one would you find most attractive?

Gina N. Farrell, licensed marriage and family therapist, helps clients "grow" the knowledge and skills needed to enjoy calm, connected couple and parent/child relationships in her Rincon coaching practice, Grow U. Inc. She can be reached at 912-665-1935 or GrowUInc@planters.net.