i moved back home,well, not quite home,but into my grandma's house.i had to go back to square one.i have to restart my life.that city has sucked out thebetter half of my soul ... i don't plan to go back for a verylong time.

but i can't help but feel like i failedand now i'm running home to hide.i've caught myself wanting to screamin frustration at least 5 times today.

i'm already plotting my next escape.the destination is still unknown,i honestly don't care.i just want to throw myself into anonymity. start over fresh in a new place,with new people ...on my own completely, for once.but i have to go soon ...i'm too scaredto sit still for too long.

moving up hill.functioning at a higher level.laughing whole-heartedly for the first time in months. feeling secure.feeling productive.

after the fire of feburary 3rd, 2007... the roomies and I were finally able to move back into our home this past Friday. We were homeless for an entire month, and it was hell. Living out of our cars, sleeping on random couches ...driving back and forth between ATL and Gwinnett. But afterall, our power is on, our heat works ... and despite the major hole in our living room wall and ceiling, we have our home back. I missed it. I missed my "family". For once I feel comfortable, I don't have the urge to run, I don't feel trapped. It's H O M E.

I'm finally healing from the loss of one of the very best friends I've ever known. And even though our friendship developed in a short span of 6 months ... they were some of the best months of my life. Memories I will cherish forever ...a bond I will dearly miss but will be eternally grateful for.

I love my job... Hard Rock is my second home, everyone there feels like family, a second support group, I love that security. I love being good at my job and feeling the appreciation, I love that they named me Empolyee of the Month, and after only 6 months of working there ... it's the small things in life.

I'm finally going back to school this coming Fall.Not to GSU however, but to SCAD Atlanta. I was accepted Fall 2005 but did not enroll, they did hold my application however, and I plan tofollow through with that now. I'm not sure what my focus will be ... I am leaning toward fashion design, but also seriously considering interior design, either/or ..I'd be content.

This house , I swear, I can't get enough of it. We have five amazing kids living under one roof [five now, due to Britney's boyfriend, Patrick moving in with her]. Five of us, and five dogs. We adopted two new dogs from the humane society this weekend. A 3 mo. lab/chow puppy named King and a year old american pit bull named Vincent. We now have a farm of 5 dogs ...soon to [possibly] be six: Audio, my chihuahua; Jade, Patrick's german/pit mix; Vincent, Zack's pit; Zoe, Britney's Sharpei, and King, Brit's new mutt puppy. It's chaotic and loud 24/7 but never a dull moment and plenty of love and snuggling to go around. It makes my heart warm.

I'm happy ... for the first time in a while, I can say that in all sincerity.

one deep breathto flush my thoughtsi want to see my eyessearching infinite cold darki stare back at myselfi stare at nothing. vast nothing.a heart so worn and crackedrevived one too many timeslet it be.freedom lies in your hands.embrace. release. bondage. relief.it was a dream. it was real.smoke fills. ashes build.a monument to the losta testament to the emptyi dont know where to focus my eyesor where to place my handsawkward steps towards unknown futures.damned to feel and damned to love.a youth that has grown old too soon.a life without fear is all i asksong fuels the beat of my heartpray the song will last. i fade in. fade out. in. out.

i watch the way music moves around your hair. i caught the angles of your face..and started to laugh. It's so hard to look at yourself..and really see who you are. A girl, a lost girl, with bright eyes,and a sad smile. The same expression of youth,of life..of longing to be noticed and forgotten at the same time.

i watched my laundry ..and cried over clean towels..they have a purpose..2 sides to dirty..i envy the clean..to spin on cycle ..but come out dry.. my life is wet,and i have no clean towels.

Did i ever listen, will you ever really listen..hearing is perception,words are just words..definitions are not the truth..looking for salvation just makes me want to never be found..i would be a liar if i told you the truth..i am afraid of you .. because i'm still afraid of myself..seeing you confirms that i'm still alive, and no better than i was..it confirms that the world is flat..and it's people are round..it confirms that raw passion never dies,and suicide lingers at the witching hour.. you confirm that i am myself.. my glory is in a box of cereal, but the toy was taken by the earliest rise. I want to kiss myself, and tell you that it never ends, hold on to innocence..to save the youth, one foot stays. Bind to wrap,as unravel to mind. i want to hold you forever, and never let myself go.

These two selves may one day agree

deconstruct a letter and words we may find..truth will hold up when we jump from the end.. take me out in the rain because my life is wet..spin out the cycle to find my clean towels.

and when I wanted to die she said...

UNKNOWN

Razor to Sharpen your thoughts..Pain to feel a heart .. beat to take a danceMechanical eyes, sit behindhollow wordsCutto the middleEmptySpaceFeel my fucking love.. touch what is right in front of youDestroy, on to searchMy hands rest in your mindscared .. found.. losttake the time to paint a smile.. take the time to look for medarkness evades.. shadows jump..Face me.. pleaseface the truth...

fuck you.fuck you for leavingfuck you for decieving mefuck you for lyingfuck you for the hell you've reaped fuck you for breaking my heartfuck you for pretending you and you're fucking twisted intentions

fuck you for give me an ultimatumfuck you for not understandingfuck you for being impatientfuck you for ever befriending mefuck you for all you took from my soulfuck you for putting me through this

fuck you for making me feel guiltyfuck you for making me feel sub parfuck you fuck you.fuck off

dear ___________,let me apologize beforehand, because in time i fear you're going to hate me, but i cannot take this living situation anymore. i tried ... and tried and gave too many second chances and accepted too many fallacious apologies ... but this game is getting old and the person i befriended months ago is not the person i share a home with now.

it kills me that you don't even realize how ungrounded you are.you dont realize how detrimental your actions are to my head and heart.i don't deserve the way you treat me sometimes ... your kindness is sporatic and rare but im getting used to the constant disappointments.you don't own up to anything.i've sat back and taken everything you've thrown at me with a careless laugh and easy smile. but underneath the mask I'm withering and suffering and trying to hard to pretend i'm ok with it all ...like it's no weight on my shoulders ...but it is ... it's crushing.

regardless, my love for you will always be there.no matter what may come.

im thinking long term now.i hate the eggshells ...im tired of tip-toeing. i hate the fear. i hate this floating along. it's been a charade. ...deceit.i've been so hollow.

it's a new year ... and i have big plans for my future.. im going to learn to take care of ME. i've found a solutioni'm going to learn to love who i am ... im granting myself the power to change situations that are not advantageous to my happiness and future. I hope you don't find this selfish. i've dug deep ... i've found ME...i'm going to beat this.i live and learn.

i'm sorry.i do careyou play your cards and i'll play mine... but we are playing two seperate games.it's time to face the inevitable, you've got alot of growing to do and i cant be there to help you correct your mistakes and guide your path ... i'm still working on my own. your immaturity is overwhelming and you suffocate my bright. .. not that it was too powerful to begin with ... but i have to preserve & nurture what I do have if I ever want it to grow. you don't add anything to aid that. nothing at all. you're so needy that i waste all my energy trying to satiate and appease you... energy that i should be using on my own well-being ... energy that i need to get better, to get my balance and life back to steady.

this is my last leg. my last chance. i know you won't understand,and i know i'll be the enemy but,ive got something to prove and not long to do so.it hurts to be honest with the ones that you love...im going to fix "this",and eventually things will work out for the best for us both... hopefully.

SELF-SABOTAGE.this is me. this is what I do to myself. this is why I am stuck!...finally a definition.

I sabotage anything that I know I cannot make perfect. If it won't be perfect, I purposely ruin it.I sabotage relationships when I finally get the person to like me because I fear failure and disappointment. This is why I am in a chronic state of loneliness.I've done it to myself.

and when I dig deeper, I realize my self-sabotage all boils down to paranoia. it's a fear of failure, AND success.

I have no idea why I am like this, but the closest thing I can come up with is that I am: a) so afraid of failure so I ensure that I will fail, thereby saving myself the anxiety of worrying over whether I will or won't b) afraid of sucess/actually getting these things done and being forced to move on to the next step.

I've taken a brief repose from the city and come home.home is where I can heal and find myself again.And I have.I have a few new inspirations and a few new paths I'd like to begin venturing down.Dr. Lederman has been an angel. He has helped me come to accept my failures as positive experiences, catalysts for change. He is helping me learn patience and the art of not giving up just because things do not work out to my standards of perfection. Slowing down and focusing are my two areas of concentration right now ... small, calculated steps. I've got to tone down my impulsiveness.

I got the long-overdue time to hang with my very best friends and visit with my other family. The ease of mind and comfortability I have when we are together are unparalled. So very theraputic for my heart and head. I know it's selfish but I wish I had "bff time" every day. Carrie I miss us so much. It's so good to have you so close once again. And Kenny ...seeing you, as always, did my heart a world of good. I miss the old days ... but it's good to know we three still have "it". Tres Banditos for life.

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once tagged by this entry, the assignment's to write a blog entry of some kind with six random facts about you. then, pick six of your friends and tag them; no tag backs. this explanation should be included.

so she says I am a different one .. someone to confirm she is there and she is real... she says she sees herself in me.she said she sees music in my hair and angels in my face ...

she said she loves me.i love her too .. I am just not sure what type of love it is.somedays it's fierce "dont-want-to-live-without-you love" ... and then I stop and think of how wrong it is ...how severely we clash ...and I start to get scared and balk ... "a fish may love a bird but where would they live?" .... She says I could be "the one" ...to end all. I know how much danger there is in settling ... it's a game of "truth-or-dare" ... If I am true with myself, with what I know as "truth" in my head ... with what I could forsee in my future, I know it's all wrong .. never would be accepted or condoned by my family...friends ... society. I would be happy only if we fled... and how weak is that? Fleeing to a place where no one knows me ... where I could reconstruct my identity ..but that's not love. Love would be sticking it out despite the nay .... showing her that my love is returned unconditionally ... that I am not ashamed. But I am. I am ashamed. I don't know any better.

is this the test? do i take the dare... I hate that I cannot forsee the outcome of my decisions .... if I'd be truly happy or miserable. ... either way, I am miserable because I want her. I am miserable because I cant find the clear cut answer ... I am miserable because I am confused.

and she scares the hell out of me.and I am not sure it's even that type of "love" .... or if I am just clinging to her because she is me 3 years from now and I can relate to her in every aspect, and in that I find comfort ..it's so rare for me to have people I am comfortable being myself around ...people who understand me completely without my having to say one word ...

i am too young for all of this.i didnt ask for any of this.i don't want to be loved at all by anyone .. i want to be forgotten and erased. to live in solitude with the company of no one save for a few dozen horses and other various animals, paints, books and music. honestly, that is all I want.

life is too much for me.i hate feeling responsible for other's emotions.

i talk, but i don't hear myself.my brain computes each word and forces them out on my tongue but the meaning is lost and the truth is vague.i've been cursed with a certain knowledge.figured out some wordly truths I wish I could remain ignorant to.

i'm alive but not living.my former self is stuffed into the back of my head, chained up and supressed by my chronic fear and phobia ...what am I running from? Where is the fear spawned? I cannot find the source ... I desperatly want to find the source so at least then I'd have some validation ...

I'm so confused.My mind had become so twisted & numb ...I want more than anything to be forgotten, to be able to fall peacefully out of existance. I am slowly realizing the truths I seek do not exist. We're all alone here.

At the same time I want to be on top of it all.In the spotlight ... noticed ... someone's reason for waking up every day ... and I want the same ... someone to save me from this bleak gray ... and I resist when love is there ... I push it away and refuse, all because of a past I am not willing to let go and forgive. Not yet.

I hated you. But I have forgiven you.I haven't forgiven myself.I am subconciously punishing myself ....I am slowly realizing the truths I seek do not exist. We're all alone here.

things go from simple to complicated in a matter of sunrise to sunset.

where are you? i'm taking baby steps to fighting back ...the light is vague but i see it maybe i need to stop grasping for a hand to hold and find my own footing for a while ......maybe.

I've no idea who I am anymore.Nor where I am and what I am doing.It's been this way for a while -- but the bottom has fallen out.

I shouldn't complain... I have alot of love around me.I am just so out of touch with it all ---and the things I know could cure me -- are so far away [distance]...or things that will never again [probably] be in my life.

I've no motivation for life anymore.Where I am, it's nice and comfortable, but not where I feel "right".Those I surround myself with are good and loyal, but not the cure to the hole in my heart.

I know you're out there.Somewhere out there.Please find me.

I feel out of touch with God ... and that scares me the most.So where do I go?My family thinks I belong in a hospital...My friends are upset because their efforts and company are fruitless .. they're "worried".I'm hurting myself and everyone around me .. and I just cannot find it in myself to seek the help I "need".

I don't want to hurt anyone anymore ...ultimately I want to lock myself away from everyone and everything and be forgotten. Unrealistic.

I need Carrie.I need Zack .. I need Casey .. I need my "family" that once was my soul reason for existance. My heart is constantly aching for things I cannot even name ... my light is fading. And I just watch. I spend half my days now sleeping away time .. only getting up for work or a class or two. Somehow I manage to mask my devastated being for a few hours at a time -- but even that is a weak act that is starting to become steadily more obvious ... I don't know what to do -- I don't know how to save myself. I just want out.

So here I am again, sitting alone on the windowsill of our loft; overlooking Broad Street beneath me ... there is a bum rummaging through the trash bin, a few police are strolling around the opposite side of the street, rats the size of small dogs keep darting back and forth between the gutters, a couple is walking along the sidewalk below, they just passed beneath my window ...arms around each other in that comfortable, sort of side-embrace ...I'm guessing they just ate at the 24-hr Landmark Diner a few blocks over, judging by the direction from which they came, and the styrofoam to-go box the man is carrying in his free hand. ...I'm sitting here alone again in our dark loft, self-medicating with cigarettes and appropriate tunes. I chose to stay at home for the umpteenth time again tonight, rather than go out with everyone else and pretend to enjoy myself. ... and truth be told --I'm hoping they'll stay gone just a few hours more. I just want to think, alone, in peace, a little while longer... the emptiness is nice and needed right now -- almost soothing. My mind has been everywhere and nowhere at all these past few weeks. I'm still not sure where I am. I've been trying so hard to convince myself that I am happy and where I want/need to be ... but the truth as I know it is there, a little hazy and distant -- but I know it's there, and it pulls me out of the happy facade I fake for the world ... I don't want to drag anyone down, I'm not asking for pity or sympathy ... just understanding. I want to find someone who knows what this feeling is -- understands completely -- just so I can prove I'm not insane; that I'm not alone in this state of being.

I've been looking at old photographs from the past few years-- and I've come to realize that it was those years that I am going to look back on years from now and describe them as "the best years of my life" -- I guess that's what has me so bitter: the realization that the best days are behind me now and all I've got left to do is fall into the repetitive act of adulthood -- run the rat race with the rest of mediocre society --but MY GOD I'm praying that this is not the case .... I won't stand for blending in and fading out. I'm hoping with my whole heart the best is yet to come -- that the big bang of my life is still ahead, waiting to be discovered -- and this is what keeps me going -- the hope that there is something bigger in store for me -- even if it never comes, I won't quit the search -- that is my role, I've known that all along -- I wanted a simpler task but this is what God has given me: the quest to find the deeper meaning, to never stop searching and asking. My curiosity and insatiable lust to know it all is both a gift and a curse. But I take comfort in the fact that at least I know I won't allow myself to give up -- because I can never rest until I know the final answer -- all dots connected -- but I also know this quest is impossible because there is no final answer in this world ... I won't be able to find the answers to everything my mind questions -- this is the price of getting older -- of becoming affected. Ignorance has it's appeal sometimes ... but I also get a sort of sadistic thrill out of being denied complete understanding of all things -- the chase is what I live for, and God knows I'd end if it did. I trust he knows what he is doing with me... I just have to keep pushing to find whatever it is ... I guess my pain comes from my loneliness ... I've yet to find anyone who shares this same blessed/cursed state of being I seem to possess -- that is my immediate need, I've recognized. I'll be able to live again, as I used to, when I have proof that I am not alone ... that I'm not maniacle and out of touch with reality. So pray I find someone like myself -- someone I can see myself mirrored in -- I keep thinking I've found them but they slip and I realize I was trying to fit them into this form that they clearly were not built for. I've got to stop trying so hard.

i'll pretend like this isn't goodbye.but we both knew, deep down, it was the beginning of the end. You'll always be my soul mate, twin, best friend and co-pilot.

there is nothing more devastating than realizing the end has come to one of the greatest bonds of your life -- nothing is more heart breaking than forcing yourself to face facts -- nothing will be as it was before.

a piece of my heart has died.i'm not sure how im managing tokeep myself upright ...

i feel as if a star should fall -- something ...any form of universal recognition for the end of something so terribly great.

but we dont get that kind of grand finale ... we cry our tears, stash the photos, bury the memories, give one last hug -- then you pull on the mask. you smile right through the searing pain -- cover the scent of heartbreak. we cannot dare let anyone suspect we're that lonely and homesick for what once completed us.

so time pulls us forward. the months and years pass.the wound scabs -- the scar disappears ... and maybe one day -- many years from now -- long after you've buried any notion of hope that you could reclaim what you lost, long after you've accepted that "no one said it was fair, that's life" --perhaps paths will cross again -- and for a moment, however brief, when old knowing eyes lock --time stops and rewinds back to those golden days when the bond of those two pairs of eyes was monumental ... life altering -- you both hold the stare and for a fragment of a second you each can feel a tinge of what you once shared -- the colors so vibrant and the love and sisterhood so fierce -- but then you pass by ...and it's gone...because something so great can no longer exist -- is not possible to recreate --so neither allow themselves to feel -- the memories and emotions are shoved back down and buried away in that deep dark crevasse in the heart -- as a defense mechanism, the brain obscures and blurs the memories once more ... doesn't allow the full intensity of the bond that once was to be felt --- and then it's over.

the moment is gone. whipped away before either realizes they gave up the thing they loved.

how can you prevent this?how can you cheat the cycle of life -- the predetermined fate?what do you believe? and what is the point? do you just avoid it all together and never let anyone get so close again? because the inevitable loss is unavoidable? i want to believe there is some hope -- some loop hole -- we're a special case .. and exception to the rule -- we have to be -- but we're divided by miles and time, we can't conquer it at all this way.

goodbye summer 2006 ... you were the best and worst 3 months of my life.

and to my one soul mate in this world: i will love you forever and i am convinced that if we hold on to something, find some other way ... we can avoid this fate ... we can resurface -- we've done it before, maybe not on such a grand scale with so many hurdles like this time -- but I won't ever let go or forget. I will find a way or die trying. I love you.

friends who once felt closer to me than my own family now feel like distant, estranged, third cousins. that hurts my heart more than anything in the world... and there is nothing I can do to get them back....

-love my apartment-love my roomie-LOVE my new college/campus-love the new people i've been meeting-love Smoothie King being right outside my door-we dont need cable because people watching out of our window[s] is just as entertaining.-i'm going to NYC again this month.

Bad things:

-lost my job at compound-HOPE didn't transfer so I had to reapply-GSU's information system is shit.-still no internet at the APT.-my nose is killing me and I need surgery ASAP.-I have a speeding ticket to pay and no job to speak of.-I have no books for class yet.-I miss my family in Milledgeville.