Who’s on first? Yeah, that’s right, pig. Daddy’s on first.

Customer: “Hey, Daddy? Daddy, I like these jockstraps, but what’s the smallest size?”

Me: “Small.”

Customer: “Small?”

Me: “Small.”

Customer: “Small is the smallest?”

Me: “Small is the smallest.”

Customer: “So… small?”

Me: “Yes. Small.”

Customer: “Okay. Thank you, Daddy.”

According to the tenets of an obscure yet persistent urban legend, if you turn off the lights and say “daddy” three times in front of a mirror, my ghostly face will appear and tell you to stop calling me daddy. And while you guys give that a try, I’m going to head to Walgreens and drop my paycheck on as many boxes of Just For Men as I can fit in the trunk of my car.