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Broke but Still Breathing.

I forgot my hour of writing yesterday. But I did complete the book I was reading and now will definitely have to watch the movie.

I have felt like I am suffocating all day. We are in a transition period from me leaving my full time job and focusing on my direct sales job with Scentsy. Scentsy is AMAZING, but just like any commission based job – it can be inconsistent. I have AMAZING customers and I really love everything from the CEO’s down about the company. I have worked really hard since I started in March and have made two promotions. I have also built my team to six and plan to keep going. But December was slow- $233 in commission so far. My normal paycheck’s monthly with the law firm added up to about $1,600 a month. I will keep working and keep the best customer service I can for my peeps. However, because we are tight this month I keep fighting the urge to feel lost. I have never been with someone who was the main provider, let alone without me working. Every relationship I have been in, I generally was the “bread winner”, if not the sole provider. I know the resentment that builds from that. I know that when life is good, and you can afford groceries and the basics, with a plus of being able to have enough left for “fun things” is preferable. We have a few months to catch up, I know this won’t be overnight. I know that the coming months will be much better for business. I know that in June most consultants failed and I made my highest commission month out of all the others. I KNOW I can do this.

But, I am suffocating right now. I feel like I need to be running around with a spotless house and keeping up with my posh mark closet. I feel like I need to be doing something more. I don’t want my wife to feel like she needs to work another job, or that we don’t have what we need. We had to call her Mom and borrow $70 to get a couple groceries for the house. My wife and I both get paid on January 10th, so we aren’t far away.

And why is my whole post so far filled with “but’s”. I know I need to accept and recognize and pump myself up for all the great I have done since leaving my full time job. I know that I have done a lot of great things so far, but I am worried it is not enough. I have no idea how to take on this role of stay at home wife. I have no idea what the hell I am doing. Scuse’ the language.

We are still minimalizing our home. I cannot tell you the amount of items we have trashed, donated, or sold. I think we are up to about $200 in sales for stuff we have sold and still so much more to get rid of in one way or another.

Hey, I’m broke. But I am still breathing, my wife is still breathing. We have fur babies for love besides on another. We are happy and we could stand to miss a meal or two. We are broke…but breathing.