Wednesday, November 3, 2010

flibbertigibbet

It has been a little over one year, to the day, since I last wrote on this blog. At the time, I thought I would venture out and begin something new... which I tried. And which became like a bad taste in my mouth and basically waned into nothingness. Writing for me is integral, but something I often have to work very hard at - and I know those two facts are contradictions. They swat at each other all day long. I hate to write... I love to write. I must write... I will never write again. I am temperamental, a flux of emotion and frustration and passion and, therefore, sometimes good for nothing whatsoever. But, the compulsion to write came upon me today, and while I have this other new blog set up, it annoys me and feels stupid and silly. When I came back here, just to browse, I found that it no longer bore the weight for me as it once had; it didn't feel like the black mourning band around my arm that a year ago it seemed to be. "I read the words/ Well - those sound right/ I see a face/ It's me!/ Why did I leave this lovely place?/ Where else but should I be?"

And so I am back.

Now, it is an impetus for me to write - not as much for you to read. So, if you are reading this, and find it very dull, don't feel the obligation to stick around and read anymore. I cannot promise it won't get duller. Sometimes, my fear of being dull has kept me from this place. And I fear that my monotony in life - or, if I'm honest, my peace - will make me a drudgery. Happiness has its numbing effects. As Emily Dickinson wrote, "I can wade grief/ Whole pools of it - /I'm used to that./ But the least push of joy/ Breaks up my feet,/ And I tip - drunken." It's in trial that so often we become sharply aware of everything - awakened to the richness and poverty around us, able to articulate with greater clarity what we feel and need and hope and grieve and pine for. But with happiness - in simple stillness - there sometimes grows stagnation. Perhaps I have grown stagnant. I hope not. But if I have, well - I suppose few will linger on to see much of it.

28 comments:

SO happy your are back to your blog. I did read your other one, but I agree with you that this blog is "you" it feels right. Your story captured so many and me personally learned so much from you. From going through my own personal tragedies in life, I learned from you that life goes on and that it can be a beautiful life. Don't let the fear of being boring keep you from writing in this place. You write beautifully and inspire many. But that's not the reason to do it, do it for yourself. Something fun to look back on. Welcome back!!

So glad to see you back Boothe. I am glad that whatever it is that kept you away, I call it Life, glad to see your writing need has brought you back:) I always love what you write because it is just life we have to share. I am excited to meet baby boy and I am sure the girls are too!!

I LOVE that you're back!! I love when you write and I love reading your words...as you share your heart. :) I know your busy with all that you have going on in your life right now (YAY, again) :) but I look forward to reading even more!!

Despite the labor that you testify writing to be, you write provocatively and with great pathos and insight. Not that we ever expect you not to write about and enjoy the mundane. My advice is not to spend too much time thinking about it. Just give us whatever you have...we'll be glad for it!

Boothe, I can so relate to what you wrote but I am so glad you are back. Even if you wrote about what you ate for breakfast, you write so beautifully and with such passion that I would read it and enjoy!

SOOOOOO completely over joyed to find you back!!! was sooo excited to see "keeping awake" on my google reader!! you're amazing and your story is one i tell often! happy to find you back in this space!!

I am also glad to see you back! And I am hoping to soon see a few "baby" pictures!!! Your baby is probably walking already, but would love to have an update! Your journey these last few years was always thought provoking, and a wonderful testimony! Hugs from Michigan - Diane

just so you know, I am happily sticking around to hear what you have to say. I'm glad you are back. I'm not even a writer, and I find keeping up with my blog a near impossibility, so I hope you are able to find joy in the journey of writing again.