Are Online Relationships Real or a Colossal Waste Of Time

Are online relationships real and can you fall in love online? Often in online relationships the reality is you aren’t in love with the actual man, but the idea and fantasy of who you have made him out to be in your head. If you have never met him, you really don’t know him, but only what he allows you to see. The whole picture simply isn’t there with an online relationship.

Today I want to address something that is even worse than pining for an emotionally unavailable guy who is physically there. Falling in love online with a man you have never met.

Here’s C who wrote me: “Hi Katarina, thank you so much for the great advice… you are a true inspiration. I have been in a real online relationship with a great guy for almost a year. For the most part he’s been wonderful. He got laid off from his job about 6 months ago but by my persuasion, has decided to use this as opportunity for self improvement and further study. We are in different countries and I work two jobs (a day and night job), so making time for him is tricky… but he is a priority in my life so I manage… Anyway, lately (for the past four months or so) I think I’ve noticed a pull back on his end… a lack of enthusiasm/waning interest… and I understand of course that with his new study schedule there will obviously be less time for the two of us to connect…

It’s just that when he does have time… I seem to be the last thing on his list of things to do… a case in point being this past weekend… I assumed I had no response to emails I had sent him because he was so busy studying for an upcoming exam… however I discovered through a mutual friend that he was in fact out… he’s charming and flirtatious by nature, which has never bothered me… because I used to be certain of the bond we share… however the mutual friend happened to mention that he seemed to be enjoying himself thoroughly while out… and while I waited, and waited for his response to my email…

I know this is not acceptable for me – I feel that if he had time to unwind… surely he could spare 2 minutes to merely acknowledge me… I would understand that perhaps he wasn’t in the mood to talk… all I wanted was for him to let me know. I know I need to make it known that this upsets me (I don’t want to be a doormat) but I have no idea how to broach the subject and resolve it… without him ending things… Katarina, I would be so grateful for any words of wisdom you could impart in this situation. Thanks so much. C”

Let’s see what’s wrong with this picture:

Can You Fall In Love Online?

1. What is an online relationship? It’s an imaginary relationship. Are online relationships real? No! There is NO relationship to begin with and you can’t lose what you never had in the first place. How can you be in relationship with someone you have never met and what’s the point of getting a heartache over someone you’ve never met and who are thousands of miles away?

Until you two meet, hold your horses. And let me warn you (as someone who has been fixated with an online persona -or two- in the past myself), often you build up expectations and ideas about a person and you fall head over heels over those things but when you two meet there is no spark and connection whatsoever!

You may feel like you have fallen in love online, but the reality is you have fallen in love with the idea of him and the idea of being in love with him. Until you meet him, you only see what he allows you to see.

Imagine the hours and months you spend chatting back and forth only to find out that you’re not even attracted to him in person.

4. Never get ahead of any guy. This applies to online relationships and real life. Always mirror his interest and level of investment. And certainly no guy should be a priority in your life until he proves his worth in a REAL relationship. Only a doormat does that and it’s SUPER unattractive.

Use him just for fun chatting every now and then but don’t let your fantasy and imaginations run wild and you emotionally invest in that wishful thinking, not in him in the first place since you barely know this guy!

Please share this with the buttons below and I’d like to hear your comments as well (and don’t forget to subscribe to this blog for more insight into the mind of men on the right side bar so you’ll get notified for each new post). And write me if you want your questions answered!!

2 comments

I met few months ago a man and we connected in a way that was even paranormal if I can say so, since we bonded immediately and we both even suspect we might be soulmates. It was a mind blowing, telepathic connection and we fell for each other very fast. But we are facing two issues. One is that we live in different countries and far away from each other. And the second is that he was polygamous when we met, and he believes in having relationships with several women at the same time, as well as he says he does not mind me for example being with other men.

I do not embrace polyamory, I want an exclusive relationship. He has these ideas of polyamory because as many men, he really likes ladies, and he has strong attraction to them and he seems not to correlate sex with love. We were flowing and I was not mentioning the polygamy aspect, since we were just friends. We kept in touch everyday writing to each other, and one day he told me he could consider monogamy if the situation arised. He was the first one to tell me he loved me, and started treating me as a girlfriend without the title, and sending me music, poems, etc.

Then from one day to the next, he goes all cold and different.He says he is struggling cause he loves me but he wants to continue being polygamous. I explained to him I could not embrace that, cause I would never feel OK to think he was with other ladies and me at the same time, even out of respect for these women, no matter if they were OK with that. I know myself, I cannot go along with open relationships and polygamy. I had a womanizer father and had a lot of trauma about it.

He went all hot and cold in his message, blamed me for not accepting him as he is, telling me he loved me, then telling me it will not work if he is not free to explore, etc etc…. I have to say I never asked him for a label,commitment, or anything. He was loving and I was loving. He got sexy to me and I responded sexy to a man for the first time after my divorce and being repressed all my life. Right now he seems as if he does not want to loose me but he does not want to commit. In fact it is hard to commit considering we live in different countries and our relationship cannot even happen unless we spend more time together.

He is my dream guy and he does love me. The only thing in the way is the distance and his polyamory ideas.

I am not sure if I should just let him go or if he will ever be ready to commit to me solely. He does have a wanderer eye and seems to fancy the ladies a lot and that may put too much pressure on me. I am not sure if a man like that could change out of love, and I am not even sure I want to change him. I do love him and we share an amazing connection. But I am not sure what to do. He does not seem to want to loose me and he says he does not want to hurt me. I sense he is in conflict more with himself than because of me pushing or clinging. Maybe he is afraid of his feelings or changing because of them.

I could really use an advice on this….

Thank you for your help and your book. I read it today and plan to practice the advices. I have actually been doing this, allowing him to chase me, but now we seem to have hit an issue as I do not want to agree or give into polyamory, yet I told him he was free and could sleep with anyone he liked, but I could not get on board with that in terms of him being with a lady and then coming home and telling me he loves me. It just does not feel right…. I do not know what to do.

Hi Vivi,
Why worry so much? He’s not even conveniently located. How can you two have a monogamous relationship anyway when you are not in the same country. Just date others while talking to him. What’s the big deal? Why make it complicated?

Please read my book and stop chasing a relationship with a guy who is not only not ready but also not there physically.