Mickelson's sad story, and other bugs on the Fool's windshield

Published 4:00 am, Tuesday, August 21, 2001

I've crossed the line from ripping one of the most tragic figures in sports today to feeling genuinely sorry for the guy. He didn't do that much wrong on Sunday. But in the end, he was buried by the terminally dull David Toms.

I'm screaming at the TV: "You're David Freakin' Toms! Go for the green! Why are you laying up?" Shows what I know.

Phil Mickelson is probably the best golfer in the world right now. But he'll be known as a loser until he finally wins an important tournament.

There are other tragic stories in the world of sports. OK, maybe not mass-murder tragedy, but sports tragedy, which covers a whole bunch of ground in Fooldom.

Certain people, certain events, they make me crazy. And that's not a very long journey, I might add.

Speaking of tragic, why were the CBS announcers getting insight from Lanny Wadkins during the final, dramatic holes of the PGA? They might as well have asked me. I have more pride -- and maybe more game -- than Wadkins, who shot 85 and 86 in the first two rounds of the tournament. Put me on the Ryder Cup team. I'll make sure the boys are fired up.

He looked terrible in a Raiders uniform. It was wrong. Bad, very bad. And this is not a Raider bashing item. There is plenty of time for that. He would look horrible in any uniform that doesn't have "SF" on the helmet. What makes this worse is that he won't be a factor in Oakland's smashmouth passing game. And don't tell me he'll take those heart-stopping 3-yard passes and break them for long gains. Not gonna happen much. His stats for 2001 -- if he stays healthy: About 30 catches, less than 350 yards and three touchdowns. Just call him Jerry Jett, or James Rice.

Dusty Baker

Dusty is pretty much untouchable with the mostly laid-back -- and sometimes gutless -- Bay Area media, but two things are buggin' the stuffin' out of me about the Giants. Then I'll shut up and watch the pennant race.

1) J.T. Snow has 20 RBI in 218 at-bats. Andres Galarraga has 20 RBI in 65 at-bats. What, am I nuts? End the first-base platoon now. The Big Cat should play every damn day.

2) Get Sonny Jackson off the field. He's the worst third-base coach in the history of the game and has cost the Giants at least 10 runs this season with patently awful decisions. A certain Giants fan from Pleasanton is pulling his hair out over this one and I happen to agree.

John Madden

I like to listen to KCBS and John Madden does this sometimes funny little gig with the morning news folk. On Monday, I wanted to hear what Madden thought about Raiders-Niners and the two hot Bay Area baseball teams. So what does Madden talk about Monday morning? The fact that he's in Chicago because he's shooting a part in a rock music video with the group U2. This has to be one of those signs that the apocalypse is near, or has perhaps come and gone.

Brent Musberger

ABC finally found a perfect place for him -- doing the play-by-play for the ArenaBowl game on Sunday. Pure comedy. And why didn't Lynn Swann, who had just been inducted into the Hall of Fame, call in sick instead of being the "sideline reporter" for this ludicrous exercise in the WWFing of sports. In case you didn't know, Grand Rapids is your ArenaBowl champion. I'm pretty sure Gilroy is going to field a team next season.

X Games

Talk about a perfect segue. ABC showed bogus indoor football and followed it with this useless exercise in selling crap to teenagers. Without Green Death (Mountain Dew), Taco Hell and supposedly hip clothing companies, there is no X Games because it doesn't get on TV and people don't strap themselves to hunks of wood and point themselves down crooked streets. Why was it on a major network? It will get replayed so many times on ESPN's labyrinth of outlets over the next six months that you'll swear Travis Pastrana is your next door neighbor. I've received a couple e-mails explaining that the X Games remain popular because it's the only "sport" white kids can relate to anymore and advertisers like that. Hmmmmm.

Stop feeding these kids steroids and turning them loose in the most boring state in the country. More than a dozen Nebraska players have been in trouble for beating on people, causing trouble at bars or trying to hurt their girlfriends in recent years. Since June, four players have been arrested and a linebacker was kicked off the team for violating team rules. How will coach Frank Solich possibly get his team ready to play Troy State on Sept. 1?

Keena Turner

Dude was a great linebacker. But he needs some work on the TV thing. After Terrell Owens scored the first 49ers' touchdown on Sunday, Turner shouts to the audience: "Big Terrell Owens against Eric Allen! I can't wait to follow that matchup all day." Both guys played one more series. Keena's previous experience was color guy for the San Jose Saberkittens. Perfect. Still, Channel 5 was a hair better than ancient Charlie Jones and grim Raider apologist/cheerleader Jim Plunkett on Channel 2. And if you watched any of the postgame nonsense on either station, go play on the Bay Bridge.

He's the coach of the Indiana team in the Little League World Series. Instead of playing the last three kids on his all-star team, this self-absorbed fathead decides he'll let them rot on the bench and his team will take the forfeit (all kids are supposed to play in Little League games) if they don't erase a 1-0 lead in the last inning. His team rallied to win, but not before the ESPN announcers properly scolded this doughy scumbag.

WUSA

The Bay Area CyberRays will play the Atlanta Beat for the Founder's Cup on Saturday. I'll be checking my dog for fleas.

Oh wait, they're getting the last laugh on this old Fool. Right now, the best team in baseball plays six miles from my house. I hear those damn drums in my sleep. "Fool's An Idiot! Brum, bum bum-bum-bum."

Ken Venturi

His time has come -- and gone. While trying to puff up David Duval's chances during Sunday's broadcast, he quietly told the listeners that "Duval is finally starting to play with himself." Finally, a decent explanation for Duval's British Open victory.