The action you have taken
before reading this message
is exactly the action
necessary to initiate
travel through time.
Your wish has been granted.
It is simple,
it is repeatable,
and it causes no paradoxes
as you understand them.
The freedom
and power
that have been the dream
of uncountable others
is now yours.

Your consciousness is all
that will survive the destruction
of the universe,
and you will witness
the universe’s reconstruction
into a temporal configuration
of your choosing.
You will percieve as the whole
of creation is torn apart –
molecule by molecule,
atom by atom.
Every thing,
living and nonliving,
will scream as formlessness envelops them.
They will scream as
the claws of your wish
tear great,
bloody gashes
in all they have ever known.
They will scream
as they become
not part of the eternal void,
but the void itself.

And they will have
no memory of this
when the process is over.
When it happens again and again
as you flit about the timestream.

Forgot to do your homework?
Destroy the universe!

Want tomorrow’s lottery numbers?
Shred all living things!

A little mistake
that you want to take back?Screaming.

The process is nearly started,
and your first trip through time
is about to begin.

A Tale of Lumberknight

When you think of the True North,
strong and free,
you think –
of course –
of Canada.

There is a place even farther north,
but it is less true.
It is a place where,
if you lived there
and said that you wanted take a vacation in the South,
you could fulfill that desire by vacationing at
any other point on planet Earth.
However,
this staggering convenience overlooks
an unfortunate truth.
And that unfortunate truth is
that you do not exist.

A Tale of Lumberknight

Then again, this is no different
from any other Canadian day.
If the day were not bright
or the day were not cold,
could one truly say
that it was a Canadian day?
Could one truly say
that it was the best of all possible days?

With glowing hearts,
we see the sun rise in the east.
With true patriot love,
we see the mercury drop in the thermometer.
And with curiosity,
we see a man trudging through the snow.

“It is a truth universally acknowledged,
that a snack company in possession of a good product,
must be in want of a new flavor.”

One of the qualities that cooks seek
when developing a dish is balance.
Look no further than the Waldorf salad
to find a classic that delivers balance
despite a very small number of ingredients.
Apples, celery, and walnuts,
dressed lightly in mayonnaise,
and served on a bed of lettuce.

It would be a mistake to say that a dish
with few ingredients is necessarily “simple” or “shallow.”
Many of our favorite indulgences can be
elevated to new heights by adding only one other flavor.
Caramel alone is delicious,
but its sweetness lacks depth.
Rock salt sprinkled on top not only
immensely increases its complexity,
but also its price –
immensely, in most cases.
Ginger transforms a carrot into a gourmet carrot,
fit for a rabbit king.
And whatever German baker first covered a pretzel in chocolate…
well, she clearly deserves a Nobel prize of some variety.

“Do not break them, do not even think about letting one of the swords come under any attack. Only act defensively. Regardless of whether the sword is in my or the enemy’s hands, you must be extra careful.”

Protect me.

“Even though the goal is to collect the swords, if I die, it will all be in vain. You must protect me from any injuries or wounds.”

Protect yourself.

“This is not me being considerate of you. In collecting all of the swords, we will be shown no mercy. If you’re injured while collecting one sword, obtaining the next one will be incredibly difficult.”

Protect yourself.

“This… is me being considerate of you. This will be a perilous journey, but please don’t die. Understand? I don’t want to hear that you won’t do it, so just say that you understand.”

To receive the sweet treats which I have brought,
you must solve this,
the most nefarious and vexing of all riddles!

When the digital hand is short of noon
follow it up toward the unicorn moon
Meet the three beasts, all of differing hue
One vermillion, one veridian, one vermiform, too
’Pon the brightest of three lies the key to a lock
that speaks untruths – you must not let it talk
To the tip of the crescent where the light dances slow
toss the sand of the map from which languages flow
Let the great lock unfurl like a banner of old
sending light all around, making straw into gold
Gather the gold into great bales of false hay
Its critical weight will keep the wolficorns at bay
Keep your wits about you (also, all of your limbs)
try not to succumb to their lunar lupine whims
Eat the still-beating heart of the wolficorn king
then run as fast as you can for the large fairy ring
Fresh, fev’rous blood countermands mushroom’s blight
The path forward will glow in your new fairy-sight
Climb the silver-branched tree as high as you’re able
and Chinese sweet buns will be found…

…on the usual table.

Thereafter, they developed an inability
to take anything I said seriously.

The word “mustache” ends with a vowel, so the pluralization only adds an s. But the sound at the end is not one that blends with an s, so an extra syllable is added in the pronunciation.

The problem is that once I consume the entire word “mustache,” there’s only one letter left. This letter ostensibly represents the entire syllable, but I often attempt to read it more literally: mus-tash-sss.

This is only one of the ways that the English language has caused me to suffer.

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An undershirt that lacks not only sleeves, but only goes down as far as the midriff. (Best known for being worn by Adolf Hitler.)

KKK Membership Card

Blue jeans bleached by the sun until nearly all of their color has faded.

Laughing at Hiroshima

Leather boots designed to ride just over the knee – with an intricately filigreed silver plate covering the kneecap. The cap was sometimes used for personal defense, but often for tapping against a wall in lieu of applause. Popular in the US during the early 1950s.

Laughing at Nagasaki

Similar to previous, but with silver and leather components switched. Popular in the US during the late 1950s.

Anti-Semite

A shirt constructed by sewing together old copies of National Geographic. Considered extra fashionable if they feature topless tribeswomen in hidden places, such as under an arm or the inside of a pocket.

Not Guilty by Reason of Insanity:

Socks that do not match, sold in packs of three. Often used by particularly crafty defense attorneys, who would scatter them around their clients’ houses for the police to find. On several such occasions, the defendant’s plea was entered as this by default. No sane person would wear such a thing.