Is that a Kalashnikov in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

It’s more than ten years since the Irish ceasefires, and the natives are happy to grow fat grazing on the peace dividend.

Well, most of them at least. Truth is Harry the Hurler, former chief executive of The Boys Inc, is bored. So when his old adversary Switchblade Vic proposes a little bet over a football tournament, what’s the worst that can happen? Okay . . . apart from a full-blown litany of bombings, murder, and a lurid plot to blackmail the Prime Minister into redrawing the Northern border?

In two beats of a Lambeg drum, all sides are back to their old villainy, and the streets are littered with more stray limbs than Sex in the City.

But why exactly are some of the biggest names in British football encamped in the tiny Donegal village of Muff?

And just who exactly is the gorgeous Mata Hari, sent by the Boys to tempt the Irish Taoiseach back into the game?

And just what exactly can Man United’s new star striker do to stop the hordes of chambermaids breaking down his door to give him a good French-polishing?

Rival managers Dee-Dee Dunne and Gigi McCormick have but one goal. To play fair – and stay married in the process.