What Should My Son Call My Boyfriend???

Updated on
December 05, 2012

J.C.
asks from
Hebron, CT
on October 02, 2008

28
answers

I have been with my boyfriend since my son was not even 3 months old. He is now 14 months, and is starting to fully talk. We are planning on being together for a long time, and am wondering what my son should call him? His biological father would have a fit if he called him "daddy", and I don't really want him to just be "Christopher" (his name). He is more special than that and has helped me so so so much to raise him even though TECHNICALLY he's not his son. Any suggestions?

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K.S.

answers from
Boston
on
October 04, 2008

I really love the idea that I read another write ..Her step children called her "SMOM"(untill it caused issues :( I thought it was great though. "SDAD" sounds great to me!(like S-Dad) I also have a stepmother..She has been in my life since I was 9 and my siter 3...we always called her Charlotte..her name..even now..but when we do intros..we always say this is my "mom" Charlotte. Because, quite honestly..she deserves that title. So, let it be what it is! Good luck and happiness always!

N.R.

answers from
Boston
on
October 02, 2008

I would go with Dad Chris or something like that.
If you have a good relationship with his dad you may want to talk to him about it. He may have someone in his life....how would you feel about her being mom? My dad has a long time girlfriend and my kids call her grandma Donna. My mom wasn't thrilled but she got used to it.

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D.M.

answers from
Springfield
on
October 03, 2008

Joshua Conner may come up with the name for Christopher that is just right for him. Be sure to listen very carefully for it. It may be his reflection of you saying "Christopher", yet it will be a sweet new version. Catch it when it is spoken and if it feels good to you, validate it and use all the time. if it doesn't sound right to you, wait until he speaks one that does feel good. This will be the name that sticks and will forever be the name that Joshua gave the man that has been there for his mom and himself.

While nursing my baby daughter, I heard her call my breast "BUBBLES". I made sure that it stuck. Bubbles will always be a Sadie original.

May your open heart lead you to solving this problem that supports your family in love and peace.

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K.S.

answers from
Boston
on
October 03, 2008

Before I read the other responses. I want to say that my son called my boyfriend now my husband dada on his own. He was 3 when it happened and he just said dada. We didn't encourage it nor did we tell him not to. we just kept going on with everything. I refered to him by his name until one day he did it again. So I sat him down and asked him if thats what he wanted to call him and he said yes that he had two daddies. I told him ok. I still referred to my husband by his name for a while until I relaized my son wasn't going to stop and he started saying thats not his name his name is dada or daddy.

My sons father did have an issue and thought I told him to do it. He also thought it was weird as my son didn't call his girlfriend mom. He kept telling my son he only had one dad and this bothered my son(he told me it hurt him) so I spoke to his dad and told him to stop. Thats its not about him its about our son and what he wants.

so I think you should let your child decide what he feels comfortable with. He will call him what he wants to. As long as it isn't inappropriate.

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M.F.

answers from
New London
on
October 03, 2008

Hi J.,

I entered into the same situation. Now, almost 4 years later, she calls him daddy. Let me explain. Once she began talking, I consulted with her father. We came up with Daddy Joe, and Daddy John (not their real names, but you understand). She called each of them daddy, but included their first names too. I'm lucky too, that her father is a decent guy who understands the impact my (now) husband has had on our child's life, and what a gift it is to be able to say you have 2 daddies who care and love her very much. Her father isn't able to be around much, since he lives accross the country, but he calls, sends pictures, and packages, and has had her for a few days here and there, so her connection is definitely stronger with my husband, but we always include her father in decisions we make for our daughter. If your son's father can be talked with like my ex, then you can try going that route, and see what he says.

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C.K.

answers from
Boston
on
October 03, 2008

Well what about him calling your boyfriend Pop or Pops my husband once in a while will call his dad Pops but he is known as dad to his sisters. So that makes it special to the 2 of them the father/son bond. Or Pappi (although then I think of David Ortiz). I am not sure what your son calls his grandfathers but he could call him Papa? Just a few suggestions I thought were cute & special.

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J.F.

answers from
Boston
on
October 03, 2008

I am in the same situation, J.. My son has known my boyfriend since before he could talk. And he calls him "mikey". I wanted him to feel comfortable calling him pops or something, but I found that the two of them developed their relationship, both know how important they are to one another, and what my son calls him is relatively unimportant. We all know how much my boyfriend means to us. And I also know how my ex would flip if my son ever called someone else dad. And by the same token, I would be FURIOUS if another woman was to referred to as mom by my son...so I think the name thing is just perfect. Don't sweat it- the people who matter the most in your life, know how much Christopher means to your son. I promise.

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J.M.

answers from
Boston
on
October 02, 2008

You could also use some variation on Christopher that is special and that only your son would call him. "Tofie" (instead of topher), C.C. instead of Chris, something like that. You could wait to see how your son tries to pronounce Christopher and go with that (it's how my father came to be called "bupa" by my daughter).

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D.S.

answers from
Boston
on
October 05, 2008

I was a step parent first (of a beautiful 2 yr old girl) and then a parent of two more daughters. They're now 30, 22 and 19. I think that if the bio-dad is NOT involved in your son's life then, after you're married and your husband has adopted your son, your son should call him dad. Until then I think you should let your son figure it out for himself. He'll come up with whatever it is that he's comfortable calling Chris. If bi-dad is a fully active dad, then his role as dad must be respected and again let your son call Chris whatever it is he deems most comfortable. D., Manchester NH

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L.E.

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M.H.

answers from
Springfield
on
October 03, 2008

Have you thought about asking your son's father? Only he knows how he'd feel or react to the situation.

I'm not suggesting that you need validation from your ex, but if you and he have a good, civil, co-parenting relationship, you could ask him what he would be ok with. He could surprise you and say, "'Daddy Chris' is fine with me." But, beware that if you go against his wishes and do something he disapproves of it could cause problems- which you are obviously trying to avoid.

Besides, someday the role could be reversed and hopefully he'd go to you to see if his son could call his new love "Momma Sue"... Your feelings would then carry more weight.

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A.M.

answers from
Hartford
on
October 02, 2008

Clare's suggestions are good. Might I also suggest "Mr. Christopher?" I'm assuming that you don't want to go the "uncle" route, but almost everyone we are extremely close to who is an adult is addressed as "Mr." or "Miss" first name. When my brother was dating his girlfriend, I didn't want it to seem like we were trying to rush them into anything that they weren't ready for by having our daughter call her "Aunt ______." We simply used "Miss ______" until they were engaged and then changed it. This also helps with people who have difficult -to-pronounce last names for a child just learning how to talk.

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N.D.

answers from
Boston
on
October 03, 2008

well J.
I have been there myself on the other side
of course your sons father would have a fit.
He is not his father to your son.
I was not my stepsons mother either
He called me N. for 14 years
still does.
He knows that i love him and I treated him as my own son but he wasnt . He had a mother
So be nice dont take that away from your sons father
It would only confuse him
If you ever marry he will then be his step son but their is only one father and then father like.
Unless he isnt in the childs life and doesnt want him around and wants to write him off. give him that much,
Your son will love your boyfriend but calling him daddy and his father daddy is too confusing . in my opinion
I have seen people do that then there is alot of explaining going on for the kid later on to everyone.

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L.P.

answers from
Lewiston
on
October 03, 2008

I guess it depends on how much the bio dad is in the picture. Is your boyfriend the only "dad" figure your son has known, or does he see his bio dad regularly? If he has no contact with the bio dad, then it's perfectly natural that your son would call him "daddy". However, if he also knows his bio dad and has a relationship with him, then only the bio dad should be called "daddy". Ask your boyfriend what he's comfortable with. Just my 2 cents. Good luck -

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J.E.

answers from
Boston
on
October 03, 2008

J.,

I too was in a similar situation, my oldest daughter has known my husband since she was 6 months old. She started calling him "dada" out of the blue and we just let her. I had even asked her pedi for advice and he said, just go with it, and explain the situation to her when she is of age. Well of course her bio dad had a fit and "ruined" it for her and tarnished their relationship some. It wasn't beyond repair, but it hurt for the both of them. She now calls him Todd, which is fine, we told her to call him whatever she wanted so long as it wasn't a bad name as her bio dad wasn't very mature about the whole thing. My point is that I think you should let your son make the choice for now, then explain it to him when he is older and let him choose what he would like to call your boyfriend. If you don't feel comfortable with that, speak with your boyfriend about it and come up with a name you both can agree on and that won't anger anyone else. The last thing you want is your poor son to have to subjected to immaturity and have his bio dad hurt your boyfriends and sons relationship.

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M.P.

answers from
Boston
on
October 04, 2008

I agree with the Papa Chris or Daddy Chris. My step kids came to me at a young age and they called their mom 'mom' and I was Mama M.. Calling him by his first name alone, I think, is not respectable to your boyfriend. I don't think any young child should call any adult by their first name.

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B.L.

answers from
Boston
on
October 03, 2008

I don't think that a variation of Daddy or Pappa is a good idea. I was in a similar situation, and my son's bio dad is very active in his life. We are now both remarried, and our son calls both his step parents by their first names. I know that I would be upset if anyone else was called any variation of mom or mommy.

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K.S.

answers from
Boston
on
October 04, 2008

I really love the idea that I read another write ..Her step children called her "SMOM"(untill it caused issues :( I thought it was great though. "SDAD" sounds great to me!(like S-Dad) I also have a stepmother..She has been in my life since I was 9 and my siter 3...we always called her Charlotte..her name..even now..but when we do intros..we always say this is my "mom" Charlotte. Because, quite honestly..she deserves that title. So, let it be what it is! Good luck and happiness always!

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A.A.

answers from
Boston
on
October 04, 2008

maybe you could make up a cute nickname for him. i'm not really sure. i just responded because you are close to my age (26) and i was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime. all the mommy groups i find are full of 30-something women that i can't relate to. if you want to get together sometime let me know ____@____.com
-A.

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H.D.

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J.P.

answers from
Springfield
on
October 03, 2008

I agree that if the bio dad is in the picture, then "Dad" or any derivative thereof should be reserved exclusively for him. I am divorced and my girls call their dad's girlfriend by her name and will continue to do so even after (if) they end up getting married.Likewise, no man I end up with will be anything other than their name to my girls. It is a sign of respect to the biological parent (where they are involved - different rules, I think where the bio is not). I like the suggestion of seeing what your son comes up with naturally. And, ultimately, Joshua will know who Chris is to him - it doesn't need a formal title. It can all be done without stepping on anyone's toes.

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L.L.

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M.V.

answers from
Los Angeles
on
December 05, 2012

i don't know the situation so I apologize ahead of time for what i am going to say. you're planning to stay with your boyfriend for a very long time wish you many blessings in partnership. "TECHNICALLY he's not his son". you clam he helps you that makes him a dad well not by blood,but it's not blood who makes a good dad its rearing. His biological father would have a fit if he called him "daddy" well he has a right to have a fit. he might feel that your current partner is going to upsurge his role as a dad. you cant do that to a parent. i am not calming that is your intentions. i duno maybe call him a name that the both of them can agree. how about calling him something special that your son and your boyfriend come up with as this would be a u quine epithet for the both of them without stepping on his biological dad.

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J.A.

answers from
Boston
on
October 03, 2008

Hi J.,

Until you are married, your son should not call you boyfriend "dad". I can appreciate your not wanting to rush into a second marriage so young if the first one failed, but, truly using the name dad without the commitment could ultimately prove to be more confusing for your son. As well, he already has a dad who as you state would have a fit.

It is great that your son will have two strong role models to look up to; that relationship will speak for itself. Your son doesn't need a special name to understand the relationship is special. I would have your son call your boyfriend by his name. Best Wishes.

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D.B.

answers from
Boston
on
October 03, 2008

When my stepdaughters were 8 and 10, the younger one decided to stop calling me by my first name and invented "Smom" - short for "stepmom". They made me a sweatshirt that said "World's #1 Smom" and it was great. Their mother had a complete fit and tortured them over the name. After a year, it wasn't worth it, and they went back to my first name, with my encouragement. Before that, they didn't call me anything at all because they were so conflicted. It wasn't worth it.

I've been married to their father for almost 25 years, and while I would have enjoyed a term of endearment, it caused more pain for them, and it really isn't the thing that defines our relationship. It also set the tone when their mother remarried after knowing the man for 3 months - there was no competition to call him by anything other than his first name. Good thing because they got divorced after just a few years, and it would have been awful if the girls had to call him Papa and then lose him.

If your son's father is going to have a fit, then don't start something that is going to come between them!! As my husband wrote for our wedding ceremony, the girls and I understand that a relationship is more about chemistry than biology. What I'm saying is, your son's relationship with your boyfriend (and there's another inadequate term, huh??) is far more important than what your son calls him. I think you should use "Chris" UNLESS your son comes up with something else that is totally unrelated to "Dad" or "Papa". At first I thought Pop or Papa was a good idea, but if your ex is going to react, it's honestly not worth it. Hopefully Chris is mature and secure enough to know that his name is not the most important thing. If your son babbles some version of Chris' name and it sticks, that's fine. If he comes up with something else through some other route, that's fine too. But I think it is wrong to let kids "decide" what to call other people - that puts them in a bind later on when they have to call neighbors or teachers by a certain name, and you've already taught them that they don't have to!

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N.R.

answers from
Boston
on
October 02, 2008

I would go with Dad Chris or something like that.
If you have a good relationship with his dad you may want to talk to him about it. He may have someone in his life....how would you feel about her being mom? My dad has a long time girlfriend and my kids call her grandma Donna. My mom wasn't thrilled but she got used to it.