Polls Show Kerry And Bush Pulling Away From Other Candidates

There are more than fourteen presidential candidates for the 2004 election year. But if trends continue the way they've been going, only two will have any chance of winning at all.

Senator John Kerry and and current President George W. Bush, respective Democratic and Republican presidential nominees, are fast taking a combined 94-point lead over any of the remaining presidential hopefuls, a fact some call a testament to the current unity of the American public.

"Isn't it inspiring that a nation of 250 million of the best educated people in the world can whittle down the choice for president to two strong, rousing and uncorrupted leaders?" said Ben Weinstein, political science undergraduate student at the College of DuPage. "I feel confident in coin-tossing my vote for either of these men, because they have convincingly emerged from a pack of so many other capable would-be Commanders-in-Chiefs of this great nation. How could we go wrong?"

Through high-profile debates, television and radio commercials, and malign banishment of third party candidates from many states' ballots and all three major debates, the Democratic and Republican hopefuls are beginning to separate themselves significantly from the rest in what Dr. Samuel Elson, political science professor at the University of California, calls a "triumph of democracy".

"These two men faced great competition, both in numbers and skill," he said. "In the end, though, thanks to their steadfast campaigning and clever debating, they've managed to distinguish themselves from their rivals. Kudos to both men for a race well-played, and to their opponents...well, the great thing about democracy is, there's always next time."

But though the two forerunners seem to be gaining significant ground between themselves and whoever the hell else is running, most of the other trailing candidates remain optimistic.

"We still believe that the American people will make the right decision, and though we have not been allocated the 160 million dollars that each party has spent on swaying Ohio's vote alone, we live in an age where anyone can find unlimited information on any candidate at any time or place," said a surprisingly cooperative joint statement from candidates Bill Van Auken (Socialist Equality Party) and Roger Calero (Socialist Workers Party). "How could we lose?"

Michael Peroutka of the Constitution Party, whose party emphasizes the importance of religious moral influence on public life and supports the abolition of all domestic federal aid, is still hopeful.

"There might very well have been 62 million people watching last week's presidential debates between Bush and Kerry, but that means that there are at least 200 million other Americans who have not been swayed by the corporate-funded, self-interested and deceitful candidates that are President Bush and Senator Kerry," said Peroutka. "It was disappointing to not be included in last week's [Presidential] debates, but that was only because they're afraid of us. They know that given the chance we'll bring them to task."

The battle between Kerry and Bush is expected to heat up in the weeks leading up to the election as the two candidates further separate themselves from the Libertarian, Green and Constitution parties as well as a handful of other independent candidates.

"While John Kerry is a formidable opponent and has waged a very successful campaign," said Bush's campaign chairman Gov. Marc Racicot, "we mustn't let down our guard against other rivals such as Dianne Bell of the American Party, Libertarian candidate Michael Badnarik, or Gene Admonson of the Concerns of People Party, any of whom might sneak in through the back door and steal crucial electoral votes in very important swing states."