August 31, 2012

Night 3 of the GOP Convention: He’s Baaa-aaack

Last night, the Romney campaign debuted the revamped model
we’ve all been waiting for: The RomneyBot 2012C, the very latest in candidate
automatons.

Those familiar with the original RomneyBot 2002M,
specifically programmed to run for governor of the state of Massachusetts,
would barely recognize this latest version. Much of the original
software, what with its outdated pro-choice files and subroutines that
supported gay rights and global warming initiatives, have been replaced with
pro-choice and traditional marriage programs that better appeal to the GOP
target market it is now designed for.

Overall, the RomneyBot 2012C performed well last night,
showing off its many improvements including a smile that designers proudly described
as “at least 20% less painful.” Observers noted with awed wonder how “lifelike”
it appeared, and really showed how far the overall technology has come since
the original GoreBot 2000, which, with its stilted movements and exaggerated
gestures, appears so primitive now to our modern sensibilities.

Clearly, the RomneyBot 2012C is an excellent product,
convincingly reproducing many realistic-sounding noises, such as, “As
president, I'll respect the sanctity of life. I'll honor the institution
of marriage,” and “We must rein in the skyrocketing cost of health care by repealing
and replacing Obamacare.”

It’s almost like there’s a person inside there.

However, many fans of the RomneyBot 2012C are concerned
about what changes might be in store with the next upgrade, known in the trades
as “the RomneyBot 2013.” Will the pro-life apps be compatible? Will it cost more than we're expecting? Will it still fit snugly in the party platform designed for the current
model?

And will it have a removable flash drive and a battery that
can be replaced by the user?

August 30, 2012

Night 2 of the GOP Convention: Republican Party 2.0

While last night was Paul Ryan’s night, Republicans did set
aside some time to continue to wage their ongoing war on women primarily by
electing or appointing them to high offices such as governor and Secretary of
State, and then providing
them a national forum so that their voices could be heard.

After having successfully denigrated women, it was time for
Paul Ryan to come out on the stage and lay out a vision of limited government
and fiscal responsibility that the GOP absolutely double pinky swears is true
this time.

Cross their hearts and hope to die!

Some highlights with explanations as to what he really meant:

“In a clean break from the
Obama years, and frankly from the years before this president, we will keep federal
spending at 20 percent of GDP, or less.”

“They have no answer to this
simple reality: We need to stop spending money we don't have.”

At least we need to start doing that now. Before
was different. We were young
and carefree. We swear we won’t
disappoint you again. You can trust us.
You trust us, don’t you? If we ever meant anything to you before, give
us this chance.

“It began with a housing
crisis they alone didn't cause.”

Yeah, we kind of had
a hand in that one, too. But not anymore. Those days are over. We’ve
changed, we really have. We see
now that it was balanced budgets that we really love, not all that crazy
spending and borrowing. It was a fling. It meant nothing. What do we have to do, beg? You want us to beg? Because we’ll beg.

“ObamaCare comes to more than
2,000 pages of rules, mandates, taxes, fees and fines that have no place in a
free country.”

“So here is our pledge. We
will not duck the tough issues, we will lead. We will not spend the next four
years blaming others, we will take responsibility. We will not try to
replace our founding principles, we will reapply our founding principles.”

In short, we will
be a Republican party THAT HAS NEVER ACTUALLY EXISTED BEFORE.

Night 1 of the GOP Convention: The War on The Women Folk

Can anyone think of a greater show of disrespect than
electing someone to be the first woman governor of South Carolina? And then as if
to add insult to injury, giving her a prime-time speaking spot at their
national presidential nominating convention?

Apparently, Republicans think there is only one proper place
for a woman: “Barefoot and governing.”

This is in
marked contrast to the respect Democrats routinely show for the difficult
personal choices women make in life. Take for example, Juan Williams who
said of Mitt Romney’s wife, Anne, following her well-recieved speech to the convention:

“She looks like a
corporate wife.”

It’s almost like he respects women too much.

“Those stories she
told about struggles, it’s hard for me to believe.”

We agree. Multiple sclerosis? Pffft. Sure, it’s an incurable disease,
but you call that struggle? Breast
cancer? What kind of a struggle is that? You want struggle?

Try paying
for your own birth control. Now that’s
a “woman’s issue.” We bet Anne
Romney has never been faced with the prospect of having to choose between a $14
pack of spermicidal jelly and the $40,000-a-year tuition at Georgetown
University.

Those are the choices “real” women have to make every day.
Not choosing which difficult MS treatment might best allow you to see your
children grow up and marry.

Is there really anything more empowering than being told,
“Hold on one second sweetie?”

Answer: “No. No there is not.”

The GOP’s war on women was in fact so brutal that MSNBC thought it better to shield
their viewers from the disturbing images including the deplorable treatment of
minority women. There they were,
put on display as if they were nothing more than powerful political players
successfully making their way in the world through their own merit and hard
work.

This dystopian vision of an America in which women are relentlessly valued as equals fully capable of making their own decisions in life is in marked contrast to the far more respectful Democratic view of women as frail wards of the state in need of constant aid and helpful guidance lest they whither away.

Those poor dears!

Will this seemingly endless assault on women continue tonight? We don’t know, we are only thankful
that MSNBC’s Chris Matthews will be there reporting on it.

August 27, 2012

IRS – Internal Retroactive Service

President Obama believes solar energy must play an important
role in our “clean energy” future, ultimately helping to replace fossil and
other non-renewable energy sources.
To further this end, his administration is taking the
following steps:

Make solar panels more expensive than they have to be.

Hit small businesses that install solar panels with hundreds
of thousands of dollars in retroactive taxes.

This is simply an outrage that cannot be allowed to stand,
unless we are willing to accept a future in which America is a distant #2 in
wholly unviable business plans.

In order to address this inequity, the Obama administration
is slapping tariffs of up to 250% on solar panels made in China, thereby making
it much more likely that American consumers will forgo purchasing Chinese-made
solar panels, and will instead install propane.

To make sure this policy had the full intended effect, the
administration also plans to charge American businesses that already purchased
and sold the Chinese solar panels earlier this year with the 250% tax
retroactively.

We know what you’re thinking, “You disappear for five months
and now think you can just waltz back in here and start posting like nothing
has changed?”

“We wept for you.”

Also, “That hardly sounds fair. These people operated in
good faith under the laws that existed at the time."

Ignorance of the laws that haven’t been enacted yet is no
excuse.

For example, together with Congress, the Obama
administration is attempting to collect tariffs on Chinese off-road tires that
were imported years before such a tariff existed.

Surprisingly, those affected by the new time displacement tax,
including one person who in part lost his business over it, are
suing.

No doubt you think an important principle is at stake here
in that it makes it nearly impossible to plan for the future under such
circumstances. How right you are!

How is the government supposed to plan for the future if the
application of its tax laws are going to be subject to every Tom, Dick and
Harry with a calendar? It’s hard enough to plan for the future without taking
the entire past off the table.

In any case, there are some heartwarming stories coming out of this
policy. For example, take Bill Keith, an enterprising entrepreneur who invented
an attic fan that runs purely on solar power. Feted by the Obama administration and used on campaign
stops, Mr. Keith created jobs in the U.S. by using only American-made parts for
his fans.

Except there are no longer any domestic manufacturers of the
solar panels he needs and the IRS is about to ruin him with punitive
retroactive tax penalties for using foreign ones.

Okay, that wasn’t as heartwarming as we could have hoped.

Regardless, the point isn’t that President Obama is forcing
Americans to pay more for solar panels than they have to or that he’s
destroying small businesses with retroactive taxes all in the name of
protecting large corporate interests.

August 24, 2012

Playing Catch Up

For those readers who rely on Planet Moron as their primary source
of news and information, we thought we’d provide a brief recap of some of the
more noteworthy events of the past several months and also remind those readers
that there are services and resources available for them to get the help they so
desperately need..

In April we were
greeted with doomsayer Paul Ehrlich’s latest
call that we must dramatically reduce the number of people not named Paul
Ehrlich if we are to save the world from overpopulation.

Most readers will remember Mr. Ehrlich for his bestselling
1968 book, “Population Bomb,” about which he says, “Most of the predictions have proved
correct.”

Except for the part where we’re all dead.

But otherwise, spot on.

Still, Mr. Ehrlich notes:

“Things have been
coming up worse than was predicted. We have the threats now of vast epidemics.”

Not actual epidemics, like we used to have,
but threats of epidemics, which when
you think about it is even worse. (You have to think about it a really long
time. Also, you have to be Paul Ehrlich.)

In May, the
famous liberal economist and former Clinton Labor Secretary, Robert Reich,
astonished his followers by coming out in full support of free market economics,
pointing
out that:

“The answer isn’t socialism, it’s
capitalism.”

There were only two things that Mr. Reich did not like about
capitalism that he thought needed to be changed:

The Capital

The ism.

As it turns out, the problem with capitalism as Mr. Reich
see it is that it does not “fairly distribute its benefits,” by which he means,
that the benefits are mostly distributed to those who created them as opposed
to those who did not.

In what kind of crazy upside-down world is that fair?

All we need to do according to Mr. Reich is to nationalize the health
insurance industry, forcibly reduce executive salaries and redistribute the
wealth to laborers (or
else!), break up the banks, and further federalize public education.

“We don't need
socialism. We need a capitalism that works for the vast majority.“

In Junewe
were informed that Pell grants, the free money provided to people who don’t
want to have to in any way, whether through work, loans, or otherwise, pay for
their own college education, were devouring the federal education budget with
little to show for it. However,
this analysis overlooked the crucial role Pell grants play in addressing the
needs of our nation’s fast food industry and its chronic shortage of English
Lit. majors.

Also in June, we were treated
to a European court decision that ruled that workers who happen to get sick
during their vacation have the right to demand that they be granted another
vacation to make up for it.

In totally unrelated news, Europe continues to slowly swirl
down the drain of fiscal insolvency.
Experts remain baffled as to the cause or the solutions but hope that
one day they may come to understand this impenetrable mystery.

In July President
Obama made what might be his most famous taken-totally-out-of-context gaffe
when he
suggested that private business owners did not build their businesses. What he meant to say, was that:

"Every single great idea that has marked the 21st century, the 20th
century and the 19th century has required government vision and government
incentive."

You hear it all across the country as struggling families
gather around their kitchen tables wondering where their next abortion is going
to come from. Let’s be honest with ourselves, we are all facing the very real
prospect that for the first time in American history, the next generation will
have a lower standard of abortions than the last.

As for the Republicans, Mitt Romney made the risky decision
of the extremely extreme extremist, Paul Ryan, as his choice for Vice
President. Congressman Ryan is
possibly best known for the extreme “Ryan Plan” which
would extremely take a hatchet to the current $3.8 trillion federal budget
and hack it all the way up to $4.9 trillion by 2022.

It’s like he has no heart.

Which brings us to
today. Not to worry, as we
enter this election season, you can count on Planet Moron to be at your side.
Well, maybe not at your side.
Possibly more like slumped over in your chair having drunk all your
liquor, made a pass at your wife, used your credit card to order a cable TV
baseball playoff package, made a pass at your daughter, used up all your
artisan cheese by melting it over elbow macaroni, and made a pass at your dog.

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