Friday, June 24, 2016

The Friday Sex Blog [Childhood Sexuality]

It's supposed to be a great weekend. Personally, I've spending he bulk of my free time looking for a place to live. Again, if you know of anyone renting a studio or room, please let me know.

Have a great weekend!

Raising
Children as Sexual Beings

And I made a rural pen, And I stained the
water clear, And I wrote my happy songs Every Child may joy to hear.

-- William Blake
(1757–1827) Songs of Innocence

Throughout most of Western history,
children have been brought up as innocent, asexual beings. But the fact is that
children are most certainly not asexual. All the sexual organs capable of
providing pleasure are present and children are sexual creatures from birth. Of
course, I’m not proposing that theirs is the same sexuality we know as adults,
but it is nonetheless a form of sexuality.

Freud was almost burned at the stake
for essentially saying the same thing.

The baby playing with your breast is at
least sensual if not sexual. The two-year-old who crawls into bed between Mommy
and Daddy is sexual, albeit not in the same capacity, nor the explicit sexual
intent of an adult. The five year-old girl who dresses up and sits on her
father’s lap kissing him and asking him if he will marry her when she grows up,
is sexual. The seven-year-old, who is masturbating, probably to orgasm, is
sexual. The eight year-old prancing around in blissful innocent nakedness is
sexual. These are all examples of children passing through learning stages on
the way to evolving into adult sexual beings. Many would find what I just wrote
disturbing and I would refer those to my previous postings on sexual repression.
The fact remains that some of the above behavior is a mimicking of Mommy and
Daddy and some from natural bodily curiosity. Whatever the case, it is
all sexual though not necessarily with the adult’s awareness or emotional
capacity of what sexuality means.

The major problem in childhood
sexuality has always been the adult’s own hang-ups, discomfort, and
embarrassment with sex. There is the tendency to ignore children’s sexual
questions and behaviors, a tendency to believe that we don’t have to answer children’s
sexual questions because they couldn’t possibly know what they are asking. This
serves to deny the child’s sexuality because of the adult’s own uneasiness. The
consequence, of course, is that the child gets the message that she is asking
an improper question that her parent disapproves of, therefore the child will
stop risking her parent’s rejection or anger, keep quiet, and wonder silently
to herself.

Meanwhile, the child feels
embarrassment, shame, and, worst of all, remains ignorant of sex, many even
reaching adulthood experiencing excessive sexual inhibitions, the inability to
orgasm, or the experience of an unwanted pregnancy.

Modern neurological research has shown
that our physiology is like a feedback loop. In other words, our bodies are
wired for touch and relationships. This is why Eastern philosophies
stressing that we are not at all separate sacks of flesh, but part of a web of
reality are so on point. Cuddling, demonstrations of affection, kissing, etc.,
all actually have a direct impact on a child’s brain structure. For any
interested in learning more about this I recommend the elegantly written A General Theory of Love.

Physical contact is essential for
children. In many ways it’s even more important than food. Studies have long
shown that children in orphanages, for example, who received adequate
nourishment but were not held, cuddled, kissed, and caressed, could not thrive and often became
ill. But in our culture, it is common to discontinue physical contact as the
child grows older, especially with sons. Then, after marriage, we’re supposed
to miraculously respond emotionally and physically without inhibitions. This is
true of both men and women raised in household in which contact was taboo and
emotional unavailability was the norm. What was initially natural for them as
children was conditioned out of them as they grew older.

Many of us were raised in families in
which touching was expressly forbidden and so we pass this down to our
children. Others may be terrified of any sexual fantasies causing them to
maintain an emotional and physical distance in an effort to repress
unacceptable sexual feelings. Believe it or not, sexual feelings for our
children are normal and begin early. Many mothers, for example, report having
such fantasies at least occasionally.

There’s a considerable difference
between sexual fantasies and obsessive ideation or acting out on them. That’s
not what I’m talking about here. Acting them out will be extremely detrimental
to the child, to say the least, while having fantasies is harmless. It has been
my observation that repressing such thoughts often result in increasing
the likelihood of acting out. This is why I always say that repression is not
morality. Once we push aspects of our sexuality into the shadows, they emerge
later as overwhelming and largely subconscious compulsions.

There is no reason to keep children
from knowing that sex is an enjoyable, pleasurable activity; that sex is for
fun first and for babies second. It is ridiculous (not to mention
developmentally detrimental) to deny the physical side of a loving
relationship. It is important for children to see their parents embrace, kiss,
cuddle, and act affectionately toward one another. In our culture, however,
this does not mean making love in front of the children, though if you’re a
parent you’re probably aware of the fantastic ability young children have at
opening up doors at the most inopportune moments. It might be good to let your
child know that you make love in the privacy of your bedroom; that during that
time you would rather not be disturbed and any questions or problems can wait
until afterward.

To treat sex with dignity and love
rather than shrouding it in mystery and shame is an excellent way of instilling
a child with a healthy sexual attitude. Children’s sexual exploration is like
all other areas of exploration. For the child it is the primary way of learning
about her environment and how to make a place for herself within it.
Exploration can include a girl urinating while standing up like a boy, wearing
make-up like mother, playing doctor with other boys and girls down the street,
and later on even exploring sexual feelings with a girlfriend.

Physical and playful relationships with
two or more girls or two or more boys is a more common than we like to admit and a natural part of the growing up process.
It does not mean that the child is heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. Each
child will have the chance to grow into its sexual orientation later in life.
This experimentation is a part of the developmental process for many children
and not a cause for alarm or worry. One should work hard not to have the child
feel ashamed about the expression of budding sexual feelings.

As adults, we do the most harm when we
bring our own guilt, shame, and sexually dysfunctional baggage to bear on our
children’s’ upbringing.

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My life experiences have led me to strive to help others move their lives in a positive direction, exploring opportunities that would otherwise be closed to them. I like to think I sit at the crossroads of the dialectic between knowledge and action. I hope that what transpires here is reflective of my beliefs.