Thursday, May 9, 2013

This is cross posted on my body positive blog, imperfectfigure.wordpress.com.

Tuesday night I went to dinner with a friend. He kindly listened to my sob story, gave me some really good advice, and then magically turned the conversation away from relationships to other things we share. It was a much needed respite from being inside my own head.

The highlight of the evening was watching the teenage couple in the next booth. It was hard to tell at first if they were a couple or just friends because their body language was really awkward. He was hanging on her every word, while she was looking more at the table than at him. I watched as the young girl, whose back was to my friend, beckoned her boy to come to her side of the table. When he arrived, she pulled him close and began whispering in his ear, occasionally glancing to us. If I had to guess, she thought that she was being sensual. From my angle she was being obvious and juvenile… but then again she was a juvenile. If she had just been paying attention to her companion, she would have seen that he never looked away from her, he clearly wanted to hold her hand or be closer to her than he was. But she almost never made eye contact. If she was trying to make her interest known, she could have done so with nothing more than a smile, a well placed look, and perhaps a light brush of fingertips.

My friend and I had just been discussing BDSM, the politics of trans/cis interactions, and polyamory. I couldn’t help but wonder if she had heard me talking about blowjobs and service and had decided filling her boytoy in on my (gasp) slutty behavior was good cover for making an advance. I also couldn’t stop laughing. My friend suggested that perhaps I should be giving her pointers on how to really interact with the opposite sex. I suggested that if I did so she wouldn’t date boys her own age very long.

As I drove home I reflected on the experience. Sometimes it feels as though it wasn’t that long ago that I was the teenage girl with barely an inkling of the effect I had on the boys around me. I’ve always been a plus sized girl, and even now, 15 or so years after my first sexual encounter, it surprises me to hear a man tell me he thinks I’m sexy. And that’s sad, because I happen to think I’m pretty sexy. And I don’t just mean that physically. I am confident in my sexuality, my desires, and my abilities. I like who I am, and that projects as sexy and confident most of the time.

I guess we all just spend so much time listening to the assholes of the world tell us that we’re not good enough, we have a hard time listening to the real men who know what they want and aren’t afraid to tell us what they really think.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Clearly, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing anymore. As you probably noticed on Twitter, the Libertine has asked for space. And by space, we're talking total non-contact, I don't know if I'll ever hear his voice again space.

This is the first day in over a year, in fact the first day since before we met in person, that I have not even said "Good morning" to him. It feels weird. It feels lonely.

It feels empty.

In a lot of ways, this is my own fault. I should have just let him go from the start, and not tried to hold on so tightly. I am terrified that he will never pick up the phone and tell me he's thinking of me ever again. I know that it's a very real, in fact likely possibility.

So how do I look back at this past year and feel like it had value?

I was loved. I was so deeply loved. I shared laughter, and tears, and intimacy, and a connection that I didn't think was possible for me. I accepted someone into my life with all of their flaws, gave myself permission to just love them without any conditions or parameters.

I took what was given me and I thought that it made me better. I still think that it made me better. I am far more confident, self aware, and centered than I was a year ago.

The Libertine taught me that I don't have to accept the status quo if I don't like it. He taught me that sometimes the best way to show someone you love them is to let them go. He helped me to understand that even if it's hard to love someone for who and what they are, it's totally worth it to have that love returned unconditionally.

I don't know if I taught the Libertine anything in our time together. I'd like to hope that I did. But even if I didn't I hope that he looks back on our time together and finds something of value in it. I hope that he finds the things that brought him to me in the first place.

I know intellectually that the odds are against my ever seeing him again. I'm working through the grief of this loss, trying to maintain a sliver of hope while I move on with my life. I'm focusing on work, leaning on friends, and keeping my mind busy.

Monday, May 6, 2013

One of the things that men are usually surprised to find out once they get me in the bedroom is that I'm not really a vibrator girl. I have an extremely sensitive clitoris, and just about every vibrator on the planet passes through pleasurable and becomes painful relatively quickly. There are exceptions, and there are ways that I like to use vibrators, but I generally prefer my own hands when flying solo. With a partner who knows my body a vibrator can be a great thing, but there's a lot of trust building before we get to that point.

Enter the iGino One. Just before their Indiegogo campaign was set to complete, the makers of this little gem asked if I'd review it. My initial reaction was to refuse, because how much different can a vibrator be from any other vibrator out there? My interest was piqued by the way in which the stimulus moves. The nub at the top of the unit not only vibrates, it also moves side to side. The designers were looking to mimic the way a woman moves her fingers while pleasuring herself. So I decided to check it out.

Unwrapping the iGino was almost as much fun as using it. The packaging is beautifully done, and the unit itself has those delicious plastic stickers over the surface, just like when you get a new computer or phone. My partners and I usually fight over who gets to peel those off, so that was an extra nice touch. The iGino comes with a USB cable, two power adapters, and a foam flower that changes the feel of the nub while in use. The iGino charges via a flip out USB port on the bottom of the unit. When plugged in it looks like you're charging a phone or a music player of some kind, which I liked. It's also very discreet to carry in public. I had it in my purse at work the other day and none of my assistants even noticed it.

The iGino only has one speed, and it's rather high. My first time using it, it was too much to use directly on my clitoris, but it was extremely pleasurable when used to the sides or just below it. I also figured out that applying more pressure will slow it down, and that the angle you're using it at can change how intense the vibrations are as well. If you're extremely sensitive, like me, the foam flower makes it just right in the intensity department. Every time I've used this, I've been able to reduce myself to an orgasmic puddle in just a minute or two.

The only thing about this toy that I didn't like was that it is LOUD. While the design makes it discreet for walking around, it is certainly not a toy you'd want to use in a public setting. Definitely no sexy under-the-table torture with this!

I got a chance to play with this with a partner, and it was amazing. Having a partner who knows how to push your buttons only makes a toy like this shine all the brighter. Giving a Dominant partner who enjoys forced orgasm a toy like this is a bit like giving a kid a piece of candy. I tried it out on him, as well, while performing fellatio. Based on his reactions, the nub's movement combined with the vibration created quite the enjoyable experience.

PROS:

Intense stimulation that is easily adaptable via positioning and the foam flower.

The unit is sleek, discreet, and rechargeable.

You have the ability to deliver pleasure directly where you want it due to the small size of the nub. This is something I appreciate because it doesn't leave me feeling like my whole vagina has been numbed by vibration.

CONS:

It's very loud!

There is only one speed.

Is this a product I would buy? Possibly. I might possibly also opt for something with more than one speed setting, something I hope the next generation of iGino includes. The iGino will be available soon, and is set to retail at $99.

For more information, check out http://www.i-gino.com/ or you can watch the video below.

I received the iGino one in exchange for a review. I was not compensated in any other way.