Good story. I always thought that there should have been a story to what hapened before Ari lost her memory. But i was a bit confused about Lori... because she doesn't come into the story until later... also it was a bit brief. Other than that it's great. _

erin vanzyderveld chapter 1 . 11/25/2007

ok... first of all, lori is not the snake woman, kylie is, and other than that i thought it was quite good, keep it up!

erin vanzyderveld

Kiko chapter 1 . 7/9/2006

This is really exciting. You're a pretty good writer. Write more soon!

well Amosdeus1389 caught most of the errors, but i found another one, unless you've discovered it already. you spelled the Sunchasers name wrong. its not with the 'r' at the end, like you had it as Chaser, its just Chase. I'm just telling you this for future reference. Was this what happened before the King and Queen were captured? it seemed like it. Just to inform you, it was somewhat hard to tell. Needless to say i liked it _.

I sounds pretty good, but one thing I noticed was the Lori person. Lori is the girl from our side of the Gap. I think you mean Kylie, so was the Queen's best friend, but sold out to the Shifter.

You might want to get a beta reader, there are a few mistakes. After Arianna evades Kylie, you leave the word "I" out of her dialogue (in between That and Should)

Your dialouge sounds almost two dimensional. When the king yells at Ari to get out, he sounds orderly and under control when his country is under attack. Maybe you could have him say something like "Ari, get yourself and the Unicorns outa here!" It just sounds less controlled.

Other than those few things, this sounds pretty good. You didn't make the first timer mistake of always writing said, and you mixed the dialogue in well with the action.