walking away

I have come a long way. But your memories, our memories still bring pangs of agony. I read everywhere that we should learn to let go. Learn to know when to give up. Learn to know when it’s time to walk away. I did it. I walked away. But I still look back. And I still hurt. I don’t know if there will ever be a time when you are just a name in the list of names I no longer care about. I don’t know if I will ever be able to see your face in random friend’s wall and feel no tightening of the chest.

We are really far away from each other. And somehow it gives me a sense of relief, that there is no chance, no probability of me ever bumping into you. Because I don’t know if I have forgotten you enough to not care what you think of me.

You know what the trouble is with losing a best friend? You not only lose that one person in your life you thought was never going to leave your side, you are left with a huge blank in your life. A gaping hole in your soul which used to be filled with all the happy memories and time spent with your best friend. It’s like starting fresh in life. Only difference is, now you no longer feel comfortable enough to bare your soul the way you did with your best friend. Now you no longer believe you can find someone who is ever going to understand you or accept you the way you are. Now you no longer have a friend to lean on or share your happiness with. The trouble with losing your only best friend is, you are now all alone and no one has your back. No one to massage oil in your hair every alternate night. No one to go crazy with over a boy crush. No one to watch Korean dramas all through the night. No one to help you cross the road. No one to drag you along to watch the same movie twice just so your best friend could sit next to her crush. No one to be with while you grow into your own kind of person. Now you have nothing to look back on and smile. Because your every memory is tainted. Because all your memories are connected to that one person you are no longer connected with.