Ladies I don't know where to start. I have spent the last year researching, going to many drs, having many tests' done and even a surgery and I am still yet to find anything that contributed to what happened with me/us. I never thought I would say that I was a survivor of something but I am. I'm glad and lucky to be alive but at times the pain is so incredibly hard. I've hated, screamed, tore up, set alone and cried, you name it and I still don't feel better. Just out of a whim a couple of weeks ago I asked myself "what are we waiting on?" The only answer I could think of was, I have no clue. I knew when we got back from SC that I was going to get with my OB about trying again. We had SO much going on down there that being pregnant would have only made things worse.

So now we are going to open another chapter in life and try for another baby. Our next live birth is our last. I have had m/cs' before and they are manageable. I just have trouble with a 6.8 ounce, 20+1, a little bigger then a Barbie doll baby clinging to life.......

Thank each of you for helping me in the past year. I hope to one day be there and repay each of you for being there for me. It has been a hard road and connecting with many of you has made it much easier. I enjoy being connected and friends with many of you, I just hate the circumstances'.

It has not been a easy road and noone should ever have to bury a newborn baby. That is the ultimate loss in life. You always expect to bury your parents but never a newborn.

My words are cramming together, I just want each of you to know how much I appreciate all you have done and I hope my journey into my next pregnancy can help atleast one of you. I will be doing updates on here but will do a daily journal on my FB page.

Thanks ladies. I am so comfortable being surrounded by women who understand how and what I feel. It isn't easy to explain, it can only be seen in my tears and in my dark circles around my eyes.
I hope one day I can return a favor for each of you.

You are right - "the ultimate loss"...but some good has to come out of it - right? At least that's how I try to look at it - met some great people here, my angel helped the doctors find two underlying conditions, and she allowed me to be a "mom"...
Hang in there as you go on your TTC journey - I'll be on that road alongside you - we are TTC when AF ends...(just started three days ago). I am excited and terrified. But, this forum and the ladies I have met will help me, and you!!