Hi, I've been suffering from HOCD since I was 13 years old. I am now turning 19.

It has been a long and hard battle.

My sexuality has pretty much been solid from 13-17. No doubts. I conquered my first episode of HOCD from 13-14 easily, as my mental strength and rationalisation (or childlike innocence) helped me through it.

However in 2011, for about 5months, up until right now, I've been battling HOCD. It has been tearing me apart and destroying my soul and being. It has eroded my living style and spiraling me into depression and a sense of suicide and self-mutilation. I cannot afford therapy, psychiatrists or a psychologist. I need to battle this on my own. And I'm looking for all the help I can get.

Backstory:
I had a girlfriend for almost 2 years. Loved her immensely. Had great sex. Enjoyed every second of it. Had a girlfriend before her as well with a lot of intimacy and sexual endeavors which where also all amazing. I am not gay. I love women. I love being around them. Both physically and emotionally. That is what I feel in my heart, soul, and mind. Just intrusive thoughts are destroying me.

Basically my friend in University had a conversation with me about sexuality. He said sexuality is interchangeable. He posed strong points and I thought he couldn't have been too mistaken. The same night I went to bed my subconscious picked it up and I dreamt he tried to kiss me (But I pulled away, and he did not complete the kiss)

from that point on my mind exploded and I couldn't bare the thought of kissing my extremely good friend. It became awkward around him. And the question beckoned whether I was gay or not constantly. Testing myself at every stop.

Looking at every guy. Asking myself constantly. Creating a HOCD so rampant my mind wouldnt know what would hit it. I am at the stage of where I find myself attractive when I look in the mirror. Where I find cartoon drawings arousing, although I know they arent. Where I look at men and I know im not gay nor have ever been gay but question my sexuality and I stare at their muscles and tell myself how apparently attractive it is although I know it is not in my mind. I am not attracted to men sexually or physically.
This has also spurred from me hating gay people intensely from a young age. I just couldn't stand them. I found them annoying and I wanted to punch them and I useto write in class when the teacher asked me what I wanted to become i'd say, a successful rich millionaire who is NOT gay.
So now i just want to accept gays for who they are. I dont want to hate them. Cause I feel this pain now.
And I want to stop having messed up sexual cognitive thoughts. It's all so disgusting. Thinking of men sexually in my mind i find repulsive and digusting.. it takes me to the point where i feel like throwing up and there becomes a pit in my stomach.
I just want someone to tell me im not gay. tell me im going to be fine. and tell me most of all how to conquer this. what steps to take. wwhat to do. i feel so trapped and alone. i will do it all. i will follow your word. i just want these thoughts to stop. i was normal. i want to go back to being normal. please help me. sorry for the long essay.

Dont worry abouts the "long essay", writing it all down certainly helps in my opiion and its one small, but important step to admitting there is an issue and then seeking help or treatment.

Your attitude is strong and clearly this is upsetting you. Perhaps it is now time to seek professional advice and counselling?

Its a long hard road and you have many obstacles to overcome, but you sound strong and determined and hopefully you can keep pushing forward. Wether or not you are gay is not the real issue, its the tension and emotional turmoil thats causing such distress, that is the real issue.

Mate....i think you need to speak with your GP and arrange some counselling....it really will help