This is going to be another short post. Becoming a more regular thing that these posts are brief.
I've found it's difficult to create a work/photography/blog balance recently, an issue I never thought I'd have. I mean I'm glad I have that issue now going from being unemployed for so long to now busy busy busy. It is difficult to find the motivation to create new blog posts and even go out to take some pictures. This is something I'll just have to work on, somehow.

"I really should make a blog post". "...maybe I should write something". Both thoughts that have gone through my head alot since my last post. I keep saying to myself that I need to write something, the whole point of this blog was to get thoughts out and share my life. I haven't done that though. I'd say I'll do a better job but I think I know by now not to make promises, it's best just going with the flow.

I've been in a better mood recently, which sometimes, okay most times, leads to a dramatic down feeling. At the moment I'm waiting for that to happen. Anyway. With my better, good moods often comes a period of huge bursts of ideas.

I have all sorts of plans and ideas in my head but honestly, I have no clue how to go about actually doing most of them. I am determined to make photography work for me, I'd love for it to be my main source of income. My job. I don't know how to do that and it's getting to me. I wouldn't even know where to start with beginning a career. So, if anyone has any advice or knows anyone who would be able to help, that would be hugely welcome!

I keep meaning to create an online store to sell some prints but can never work out the best site to use/how to send them so give up trying. My main problem once again is confidence, I feel scared to try something for the worry of being laughed at and it not working at all. I wish I had the confidence, understanding and knowledge to do portrait photography. Maybe a course or something would be a good idea, who knows.

On a slightly different note, I went for a walk around Birkenhead Park recently. To end this rather confusing post/ramble, the next shots are from that walk mainly taken with the A6000. I will post again soon.

Swan

Birkenhead Walks

Autumn Arrival

Golden Glow Bridge

X Marks

Pigeon Portrait

Monochrome Simplicity

Autumn Walks

I love this season and the picture above is potentially one of my favourite pictures I've ever taken.

Drained and exhausted. Two words that sum up a depressive period.
I've not been feeling too well the past few days which of course can have an effect on everything else. On top of that today I received some news which wasn't exactly welcome. Both of these things have brought about my most recent bout of depression and feeling drained.

I feel like I've failed. I'm getting closer and closer to making the decision to stop doing the Project365. I can't see myself being able to do 365 days of photos anymore.
I've lost all motivation to take/edit a photo every day. In all honesty, the 365 challenge is doing the opposite of what I intended it to do. I had hoped the project would help me find enjoyment in photography again and would allow me to improve my mental health. As it stands right now, my photos are suffering and I'm feeling pretty self-conscious again.

Since my last post, "I'm not going out today", I've hit a bit of a turning point. I received some feedback and comments that spurred me on, that gave me a bit more confidence and passion. I made the conscious decision to not care as much.
10 years ago I would take the camera everywhere I went and snap away, coming home afterwards happy with whatever I had. Recently it's been quite the opposite. I'd go out, have an idea in my head and then be left deflated when that idea didn't come to fruition. As it stands, I'm constantly fighting with myself to do the opposite. To embrace what is already happening wherever I am. To be a photographer.

I'm not going out today. A phrase that I, and probably a lot more people than thought, use quite often when feeling anxious, or low. A phrase I should stop saying but that's just one part of the battle.

I'm still struggling to find motivation for the 365 Project. It feels like the urge to give up is there everyday now. I've found taking a fair amount of shots on one day then spreading them out has eased the pressure a little. Okay, it's cheating to an extent, it is a still a picture posted everyday though. Honestly, the way my head is at the minute, going out each day is the last thing I want to be doing. However good it may be for me.
I understand getting fresh air and walking is good for your mental health. Sometimes though, staying in and (attempting) to relax is also a good option. Sometimes even the thought of opening the door and bumping into whoever sends a shiver down my spine.

It dawned on me a while ago that I don't actually have any of my own work on display, at least not physically, it's all online or hidden away on the PC. However, I recently decided to start selling some of my images. The past few weeks I've received a fair bit of advice about the correct way to go about selling my prints, mounting and framing them. It's going to be a fairly big moment for me. I'm not entirely sure there is many people who actually want my work in their homes but I can hope.
I've always wanted to get my work out there and have it displayed properly. I need to start being more proud of what I've accomplished which will hopefully lead only to more. At the moment I'm awaiting various papers and colour correction samples to work out which I want to use. My mount kits should be arriving this week so maybe in the next few weeks I'll have the first few available to buy!

Some days I feel like I haven't got any better at photography, sometimes it feels like I've actually got worse, that I've not had any development. That is until I look back at older photographs and realise how bad they are.
Don't get me wrong, there are some good shots mixed in, some which I will always be proud of but on the whole they are awful. Looking back through both my Flickr page and my unpublished ones it really makes me cringe. I've been doing photography for around 10 years now, which in itself is hard to believe, but up until recently I've never really felt like a real photographer.Some days I feel like I haven't got any better at photography, sometimes it feels like I've actually got worse, that I've not had any development. That is until I look back at older photographs and realise how bad they are.
Don't get me wrong, there are some good shots mixed in, some which I will always be proud of but on the whole they are awful. Looking back through both my Flickr page and my unpublished ones it really makes me cringe. I've been doing photography for around 10 years now, which in itself is hard to believe, but up until recently I've never really felt like a real photographer.

I'm glad Christmas is out of the way for another year, it wasn't as bad as usual but still not particularly pleasant. I managed to control my thoughts a lot better than normal, which is a sign I've done, or doing, something right.
One long standing side effect of my depression which I can't seem to kick very easily when it starts is the horrible feeling of confusion and lack of concentration mixed with anger. It usually happens when I'm doing something I usually enjoy, like gaming.

For me, depression isn't just feeling sad. It's being unmotivated, tired, irritable and many more things.

I have found reading can provide a bit of relief for a short while but actually finding the motivation to do it is a whole different thing. I'm just hoping I don't have that many episodes of this when I'm completing my Project365. If anything I hope my photography will be a distraction at times.

As Christmas gets closer it always gets me thinking.This is supposed to be the time of joy and happiness but I always find myself struggling to be merry alongside everyone else, it's been the same for several years now.

The past few years have been difficult, coming out of university with a worse feeling of depression and anxiety than I started with, two major operations and multiple setbacks have left me in a position with fewer friends, no job and of course very little extra money for luxuries. I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago, in many ways I'm better but I'm also worse. I'm always scared of the unknown, I often lack the confidence to do what I know I am capable of but I am stronger maybe not physically but mentally. As many people have told me, something will come along...eventually.

Despite Christmas supposedly about 'being together' and 'being happy' it's difficult to go along with that mentality when this season screams of everything I'm not. It makes you think of those people who are no longer here, be that they have passed on, or those you've lost contact with. It's something I often get told to get over, or I'll get used to it. I won't. The feeling doesn't go away, I guess it just gets very slightly less shocking, I've come to expect it.

Who knows maybe 2018 will bring something different, I say this every year but next year will be my year.