When pain leads to purpose

I want to share a very personal story with you today. But it’s one that’s hard to share because I know it opens me up to be judged and because it has taken so long, and a heck of a lot of self development, to recognise that it is my story to own and be okay with – but also to know that my story can bring strength, courage and hope to other women struggling with their own story. I want this to help you, even in some small way, to pick you up, dust you off, and place you gently down again on the path to your true purpose.

my story can bring strength, courage and hope to other women struggling with their own story.

I met my ex-husband when I was 15 years old. That’s so young right? Does anyone really know who they are at that age? I certainly didn’t. Between school, playing netball and working at the local supermarket, I hardly expected to meet the man I would marry. We moved from the safe surrounds of our country, childhood homes to the big smoke just one year later and, if I’m being totally honest, it sort of steamrolled from there.

We’d met at football and netball club. I knew he liked me and I liked him too – he was kind, generous and it was exciting. When we first moved away together it felt like an adventure. We set up home and I supported him through his double degree. But, in the process, I completely lost sight of my own sense of purpose. What were my goals? What did I want to achieve in life? I didn’t know the answers yet, but one thing I knew for sure – I didn’t want the life I led to be average.

If I’m completely honest, I think I knew six months before getting married that, one day, I would leave him. That’s hard to put down on paper, because it makes me sound, well, cruel. But life and love isn’t black and white and I did love and adore him. We were best friends, but in many ways I also felt like his mother. And yet I just kept going because at that age, I genuinely thought it was the right thing to do. Maybe this was how all grown-up relationships felt? Maybe this is what marriage is all about, maybe the love develops and grows over time? Maybe this is just how it feels to be with someone for the rest of your life? I questioned myself daily, even though I knew deep down, that wasn’t how it was supposed to feel. At all.

But hindsight is a wonderful and all knowing thing – if I’d had an ounce of the strength and life experience I do now, I would have dealt with things very differently. At the same time, I refuse to beat myself up about the way it played out. We were young. We weren’t the first two people in the world to marry too young and we won’t be the last. And every second of my past has brought me to where I am today – a wife, a mother and a businesswoman striving to help other women find their purpose. There’s not a single part of that sentence that would lead me to regret the way I got here.

Even when the marriage did eventually breakdown I was still so young – just 24. At that age, I had no friends to turn to who had been through similar experiences and people around me at the time struggled to be entirely supportive. It was, after all, a shock I guess. From the outside looking in we appeared every bit the childhood sweethearts, but I was suffering inside. For the 18 months leading up to our separation I shut out everyone in my life, even my family. I stopped asking friends over for dinner and socialised as little as possible. I felt stuck. I felt lost. And each day was just about trying to survive.

I felt a sadness so intense that it’s still difficult to put into words. I felt I’d failed the marriage and was terrified of being judged as a result.

I felt a sadness so intense that it’s still difficult to put into words. I felt I’d failed the marriage and was terrified of being judged as a result. It’s true what they say – you certainly find out who your real friends are in times like that. And the thing was, my friends were our friends, and when I really look back, I felt unsupported by 99% of those closest to us.

I hid the pain and sadness that came with that well. And I only really began dealing with it after we’d gone our separate ways. I started my own ‘eat, pray, love’ style healing process and drew inspiration and strength from my ex-husband’s Aunty of all places. She was a policewoman who studied kinseology and I found her so inspiring. She became my rock. She taught me to follow my dreams, not to settle for a career you don’t love and to always, always have purpose. She was taken too soon just two years later – breast cancer – and I never got to say goodbye. But the time I did have with her fuelled me. She’d given me the strength I needed to propel myself forward and never look back.

I went to town on self development. Certain things became non-negotiables – working out and living near the water included. I moved into an apartment at the beach and made new friends at the gym. I began travelling more in my career and the progression I’d longed for soon followed. I flooded my body with nourishing foods, read books by inspirational women (How you can heal your heart by Louise Hay) and listened to podcasts (‘The success of principals’ by Jack Canfield).

I also spoke to a psychologist. She helped me acknowledge a pattern I’d always followed in relationships – whenever I was unhappy I’d take it out on my relationship. But, more often than not, it actually had nothing to do with them.

I went to town on self development. Certain things became non-negotiables – working out and living near the water included.

That can be hard to realise in the moment, surely I’m not alone there. Sometimes our emotions can get the better of us, but what’s important is that we teach ourselves to take control back. That’s what my psychologist helped me do, take control, because if you are truly content in life, then all the little, nit-picky things that used to bother you just fade away.

But I’m a work in progress. Years later, even after the birth of my son Tom I needed to stop myself falling into the same pattern with my husband, Scott. I had suggested he join me in our business adventures, jump on board this journey with me and even though he expressed his doubts, I kept pushing. Then I realised, this is my purpose, my dream, not his. I thought I wanted my partner to run it with me, but he’s running his own race and that’s okay.

And do you know how I felt after I’d made that realisation? Invigorated.

I feel invigorated knowing that I have the courage to follow my heart, be true to myself and my own happiness. I think that’s something so many women struggle with and, believe me, it didn’t come to me easily. It takes time. It took me more than two years to find the courage to leave my ex-husband and the sadness I experienced during that time of my life can still be felt, deep down. We haven’t even spoken a single word to each other since we separated. Dealing with that kind of emotional upheaval warrants time out to really digest what you’ve been through and determine your next steps. I also can’t recommend seeking professional help highly enough – not only do they help you through those issues, but they arm you with the tools you need to go back out into the world as the person you always wanted to me. Strong. Passionate. Purpose-driven.

Be true to you – yes, you will be judged, but there will be people there to support you on your journey… lean on them. And remember, you should never ever feel like you have to justify your decisions to anyone. This is your path. The direction you choose to take it in is entirely up to you.