Easter 'celebrates human victory over aliens'

THE true story of Easter closely mirrors that of the Alien films, it has emerged.

This chocolate egg comes with two Caramacs

As the mysterious large-egg-based festival begins, experts at the Institute for Studies have explained its weird symbolism.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “In the time of early man, a spaceship crashed into Earth. It was piloted by an alien with large floppy ears that died in the crash.

“Exploring the shattered ship with torches, the tribal humans discovered a cache of huge green, slime-oozing eggs. So the floppy-eared alien was the egg carrier, if you like.

“Remember back in those days men would eat pretty much anything, so they took the large oozing eggs and hid them under bushes for safe keeping.

“However the eggs hatched and large spidery parasites leapt out, attaching themselves to the faces of the humans.

“Many humans found they were impregnated, and soon worm-like creatures hatched from their stomachs, growing to be large armoured things with acid blood and an extra set of teeth set in a sort of penis in their heads.

“A great battle ensued, and the creatures were assailed with a barrage of rocks – round, almost bun-shaped rocks made the best weapons. These were typically warmed on a fire to make them fly faster.

“Good quality rocks were marked with an ‘x’ by the tribe’s rock-sorter, a toothless hag who was a sort of pre-historic armourer.

“After much bloodshed, the aliens were defeated. And that is the story of Easter.”

Professor Brubaker added: “The Easter story has been commemorated, albeit in much more contemporary settings, in the films Alien, Aliens and Alien vs Predator.

“Although the introduction of another race of beings with dreadlocks does seem like a cheap merchandising opportunity that ruins any sense of historical veracity.”