No, science … I want my sasquatch

I’m a sucker for a good Bigfoot story. So imagine my glee when I came home from lunch halfway through a news report where a scientist claimed they finally had proof that bigfoot was real.

I backed the report up and replayed it and a woman with a Texas twang said she didn’t believe it at first herself but the evidence proved it. She claimed to be a scientist who had headed up a five-year, $500,000 study to map the genome of bigfoot.

Now that sounded scientific and official and it was being reported on Fox News, so I was starting to get excited. I figured Fox News would be on this story all afternoon, but they dropped Sasquatch like last weeks news when a crazy woman got shot outside the U.S. Capitol after a car chase from the White House.

By the time I got home that evening the car, chase woman was dead and the Texas scientist lady’s Sasquatch story was on life support.

The woman and her research team claim the 100 DNA samples purportedly from bigfoot was a sign were related to humans, and probably a human hybrid dating back 13,000 years when a human and a primate mated. Hmm, sounds like monkey business to me.

The fact that they were mapping bigfoot’s genome made me think I probably should call a classmate of mine who worked on the famous Human Genome Project. Reading up on the story a little I decided that might not be a good idea since lots of serious scientists (like my classmate) were pooh-poohing this group’s research.

Darn! Just when I thought we’d finally broken through to Sasquatch’s secret world, science says it ain’t so.

On closer examination of the new video evidence I realized I probably could have smelt this one out on my own.

First of all the team claimed they were submitting HD video and the images were really fuzzy and the clips were really short. They said they had footage of a momma Sasquatch and a young female adolescent in the hills of Kentucky. It couldn’t be because teen bigfoot never once rolled her eyes at her mother.

Another clip supposedly shows a sleeping bigfoot filmed through the branches of a bush. My wife once had a robe that looked a lot like that when she was napping on the bed in the afternoon.

The person who shot the sleepy bigfoot footage surely had something only a few feet away. All he had to do was film himself yanking a handful of bigfoot hair off that things back and he’s famous. For some reason though he only shot a few seconds of video and quit.

Was he really living by the mantra “Better to let sleeping Sasquatch lie,” or was he filming his wife in her fuzzy robe and knew good and well he’d better not wake her up.