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Our feminists are poor bastards. Because feminismfollowed religiously by our lovely women and to which they submit themselves almost unconditionally, is, in reality, a guy. That means our feminists have spent their whole lives with a half-bakedbastard; an ugly, snotty guy whomthey believe to be the best thing that could have happened to them.

Even Alice Schwarzer fell for this stuck-up twit, andshe reallyis a great woman who has influenced her time. Nevertheless, she was faithful to feminism, not to say she was addicted to it and was practically uninterruptedly occupiedwith it, but she continuously overlooked its masculinity.

Even the grand lady of feminism, Simone de Beauvoir, who, as we know, would never have trusted a man (except perhaps the philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre), crawled onto ITS lime twig without hesitation. Feminism never had to lie to the women who followed it. It boldly introduced itself to them: Look, I’m feminism, your best friend! You have to trust mebecause there are no feminists without feminism! Andhow would you get rid of the men?

Can you imagine? Millions of mature women who never wanted to be dependent on men fell for it willingly, practically begging to be allowed to follow it. Why is it that not a single one of our otherwise smartgirls haveever seen through feminism?

Okay, let’s ask a different question: Why did so many women fall for Donald Trump for decades? This prototype of a male cad never had to pretend, and it also seems impossible to do with his embarrassing toupee. Did all of Trump’s playmates collectively forget their glasses or have an optical deflection? How did Donald get Melania? How stupid must a man actuallylook and how humiliating must he treat women for them to finally avoid him like the plague…?

Heiner Bernhard is Senior Mayor of Weinheim/Germany. The thoroughly tolerant guy insists on sending greetings for ‘fast-breaking’ to his puking citizen. Fast-breaking is an amusing tradition, by the way. First, you fill your belly, and then you stick your finger down your throat. Or something like that. It is a little silly but good for the figure.

Only recently, Heiner Bernhard no longer understands his ideal world. This is because girls with hijabs, or who are deeply veiled, are suddenly continually gathering in front of the Senior Mayor. Sometimes even thoroughbred Germans. Now, as is well known, Islam is as much a part of Germany as white sausage is of China, but the Senior Mayor of Weinheim only wants to see women with their cheeks bare.

He can’t tell anyone how to walk around on the street, but anyone who wants to get into the Weinheim City Hall must remove the headscarf: Bernhard just wants to know what gender he is facing.

However, it is forbidden for the confirmed Muslim girls to jump around the town hall without a headscarf. On the other hand, they have to go in to register or renew their ID. A Muslim woman in full hijab who wanted to apply for an identity card for her child was rejected because, according to Mayor Bernhard, a clear view of her bare cheeks is simply necessary for the “photo comparison.” The regulations are crystal clear and absolutely strict.

We do not understand why the mother’s bare cheeks are necessary for the child’s identity card, but whatever: we have developed a procedure that solves the problem one hundred percent in such cases.

Even if the Mayor insists, for safety reasons, that both the mother’s and the child’s cheeks are bare and can be seen from afar, people who are forbidden by God to show their cheeks to anyone can simply let their pants down and turn around. That way you will flash your butt cheeks, and even Heiner Bernhard should be satisfied…

Everyone has parked their car in a strange city and then forgot where they parked it. However, a resident of the Swabian town of Esslingen has recently managed to set a remarkable record. After he had parked his red Volkswagen Touran in a parking garage in Stuttgart, he – and a growing number of selfless supporters from all over the world – had searched for the set of wheels for an entire six weeks.

Theo, as his buddies call him, had purchased a parking ticket after parking his car, but he was in such hurry that he forgot to remember the number of the parking space. Shit happens, but still a solvable task for the regular parker. Not for Theo. Because he also forgot which parking garage he had parked the Touran in.

Luckily, at least he roughly remembered the name of the city. Fortunately, it wasn’t New York. Munich could also be ruled out as Theo was almost certain – after extensive thinking – that the name of the city “somehow began with an ‘S’.”

One of his friends spontaneously remembered “Sigmaringen,” but the number of parking garages was rather limited, and practically all the red Tourans parked in them already belonged to other searchers.

Theo made the unpleasant experience that large cities as targets of such searches enormously increased the required amount of time. So, the team around Theo first searched in Sechselberg, a tiny village near Althütte on the edge of the Welzheim Forest. The search wasn’t very time-consuming, but the vehicle wasn’t found.

They decided to completely rethink their tactics and came up with a bold idea a few days later: Why not combine the search with a pleasant and relaxing holiday? The choice fell on the Swedish Sabeltorp. Compared to the size of the city, the number of red Tourans was relatively small, and Theo’s car wasn’t there. The Norwegian town of Spitsbergen was the next destination for the search. You can build wonderful snowmen there, but the Norwegians were not of great help in the search. Instead, there was a great danger of falling into a fjord on the way to Spitsbergen, which at least would have somewhat shortened the search.

Since Theo’s expedition had been terribly unsuccessful so far, he had to rack his brain again – and suddenly had a spontaneous intuition: The name of the city, in which his red Touran had probably started rusting already, began with the letter’ S’, and suddenly, the second letter hit his battered brain: ‘t’! So, the city started with ‘St’!

There were tons of red cars in Stansted, England, but Theo’s Touran could not be found. It was followed by St. Petersburg, St. Gallen and finally – because poor Theo gradually ran out of money – Stuttgart.

And after the missing car had probably voluntarily rolled off to Stuttgart – in an attack of compassion with its owner – and parked in the next best parking garage, happy Theo (and his international army of supporters) was finally able to successfully complete the six-week search for his beloved car. Okay, the car is now a lime green VW Passat, but the brand is a hole in one…

China doesn’t want our garbage anymore. Some people understand, because who wants to be the world’s garbage dump? The poor Chinese are known to have contaminated air, and their waters aren’t any better either. So, is our industry actually allowed to dump megatons of garbage there on top of it?

Unfortunately, we have to mention here that the politicians and also parts of our environmentalists are a little careless in their work. It starts with the fact that German consumers are forced to sort their waste. This is a huge effort – for nothing at all. Our politicians are well aware of this, but they believe that it will increase people’s environmental awareness. They, therefore, claim that everyone makes a great contribution to the recycling of waste by separating it. Nevertheless, they have no hesitation in demanding high waste charges from citizens. It’s fairly unworldly.

We notice: Our politicians, and also parts of the mentioned environmentalists, obviously believe that the citizens are less well-off. Of course, not everyone can be as intelligent as Merkel & Co, who are already working on the new government only six months after the elections. Or like the Greens, who now have actually elected the animal and environmental enemy, Robert Habeck, as chairman. But in principle, we all know that waste has to be recycled professionally and therefore has to be separated mechanically or chemically. During this process, the waste is pre-sorted fully automatically and, depending on the material, broken down into its material components.

This costs money, but garbage isn’t worthless either. The Chinese, who – for whatever reason – no longer want our garbage, have paid good money for it for many years. Others will do that now. Countries that have little mineral deposits of their own are virtually dependent on our waste – so there is no shortage of customers.

In this context, it makes no sense to let the consumer ‘pre-sort’ the garbage. Because the error rate is high and therefore all the trash is often thrown together again afterward. They’re lucky if the waste management industry at least disposes of food waste before doing so.

Unfortunately, with the separation of waste, the illegal disposal in Germany has also increased significantly again. Because the waste handling has become considerably more complicated due to the different bins and collection deadlines. People sometimes miss a date, and the mountain of waste grows.

It is pure bullshit to claim that the citizens must contribute to the garbage disposal – especially when you consider the hefty garbage fees. After all, our trash makes a lot of money for the waste management, without counting the fees.

The majority of the citizens know this, and we think that they are not less well-off enough to accept it in the long run…

Chancellor Angela Merkel has learned a new word: digitization. While she can pronounce it and even spell it out, it is rather doubtful whether she actually understands the meaning. But it doesn’t matter, it is the new topic that she and the CDU are making their subject. The Germans should finally be made fit for digitization.

This came from the mouth of a chancellor, for whom the internet was still „new ground” 20 years after it was opened up to the general public. Is Merkel herself fit for digitization? Is Merkel actually fit for anything at all?

No, the press blatantly writes that the year 2018 is the beginning of Merkel’s end as Chancellor. Because since she lost control in the Jamaica coalition negotiations after the federal elections in 2017 and couldn’t prevent to fail, she now has to kiss the SPD’s ass during the new negotiations. The SPD is known as Martin Schulz and can now make demands at will. According to the media, Merkel could not afford another termination.

So, are we now finally going to introduce citizen insurance (termination of private health insurance) and parity (employers and employees sharing – as in the past – the health insurance contribution), and thus finally creating a piece of social justice?

No, of course not. Because the one thing that Merkel knows best is the diamond. As soon as she forms her hands into a diamond, even the most penetrating failure is immediately forgiven and forgotten. The Germans cheer her on again, and will mercilessly vote for her and everything stays the same…

Are Angela Merkel’s days as a chancellor numbered? After the Jamaica bankruptcy, the Germans suddenly stand for a grand coalition – CDU with SPD. Who (apart from Merkel) seriously believed that the Greens and the FDP could be in the same room for more than ten minutes without puking?

Before you are getting sick now: The SPD has now suddenly learned something new in the pre-opposition that has been going on for a few weeks. Or more precisely: The Socis had something with “social” in the program. This was many, many years ago, but at that time – when the party was founded on 27 May 1875 in Gotha – the Socis found this little word so cute that they integrated it into their party name: ‚Social Democratic Party of Germany’. And the boys and girls of the SPD (although their vocabulary is rather moderate) still know the word „social” today. It’s just that – according to Willy Brandt and Helmut Schmidt – the exact meaning has been somewhat forgotten, though not as thoroughly as with the CDU.

Because, as you know, they have been having Merkel on their hands for many years and can, therefore, avoid social stuff. And those who have ‚made it over’ from the real existing socialism directly into the capitalist land of milk and honey for the wealthy, know exactly that the healthy greed of politicians can only be satisfied by the economy. And, as it is known, the German voter can’t remember anything from 12 to noon. At least the antisocial politics have already fallen victim to an ominous voter dementia after only a few months.

The SPD never had it easy with the Germans. Not back then, and certainly not now. Because, unfortunately, their hope for more voices is now called Martin Schulz, and he always looks as if he was about to cry. On the other hand, SPD faction vice-president Karl Lauterbach* has a good laugh, because his idea could actually bring victory to the SPD over the Merkel syndrome: Citizens’ insurance. If this social security policy is introduced, all income-taxable citizens will have to pay for it. This inevitably means the end of private health insurance that has so far been protecting the money of high earners.

Serious experts say that with the introduction of citizen’s insurance, all the problems encountered by German social security systems will soon become history. Of course, Merkel and the CDU only feel obligated to the privately insured, they are their loyal clientele. However, an election cannot be won without floating voters, and they are generally not private patients. So, if there are new elections, they will only be dominated by one topic: social solidarity!

Thus, Merkel and the party of high-income earners have a choice between the Devil and Beelzebub. The coalition with the SPD brings the dreaded citizen’s insurance, albeit presumably in a weaker form. But when it comes to new elections, the SPD will suddenly be able to mobilize the majority of the almost 40 percent of our non-voters. Then she may have the absolute majority, and Merkel and CDU will be sitting on the hard opposition benches…

*Dr. Med. Karl W. Lauterbach is a professor at the University Hospital Cologne and deputy leader of the SPD parliamentary group in the German Bundestag. Further Qualifications

Merkel within the opposition. Incidentally, she likes to wear her old bicycle lock from the GDR as a jewelery because she is firmly convinced that it brings her luck and also conceals her wrinkled neck. In reality, however, Merkel syndrome draws every attention…

07The Indians have had a powerful industry for a long time, but unfortunately also a very big problem: The air is thicker than molasses, and this smog is so bad that the people in Delhi have bad breathing problems and are getting sick by the dozen.

It is just as bad for the Chinese, they also have a flourishing economy that even makes Americans green with envy, but unfortunately, no more air to breathe. Chinese air can literally be cut into strips and sold as chewing gum (which is what the Chinese have probably been doing for a while now).

Even in the countryside, Chinese air is still much more poisonous than, for example, in Birmingham, the city with the worst air in Britain.

Let’s stay in Great Britain. There is a family living there who, according to their own statement, has real compassion for the poor Chinese. These good people – Lester Hatchinson* (27), his mother Marylou (47), and sister Priscilla (24) – live in a town in Western England and have developed a great business idea in the face of the exhausted people in China. They “harvest” the West English country air with large plastic bags and fill them into jars, which are then hermetically sealed. The Hatchinsons then sell these jars with the delicious fresh English country air to the Chinese. For 80 Pounds per glass, which are about 100 Euro.

This story went through the media like wildfire, so we interviewed the Hatchinson family. They admitted that they actually don’t even live in this western English town, but in Birmingham.

We asked: „And you drive over 200 kilometers to the countryside every day to harvest fresh air?”. The family began to hem and haw and finally said: „Well, we went to the countryside at the beginning, but the fuel costs were reducing the profit considerably. And we can mail out more glasses if we stay in Birmingham“, Lester said embarrassed. But this still wouldn’t be fraud because they would receive the glasses from a company in Swiss, already hermetically sealed.

Marylou explained that the Swiss air is known to be very clean and fresh and that the Chinese buyers will not be able to tell the difference. The Hatchinson family prudently doesn’t open the glasses with the healthy Swiss air but sends them directly to China so that the disgusting smog in Birmingham cannot contaminate the air in the glasses.

In order to comply with our obligation to exercise journalistic diligence, we asked the Swiss company whether the air in the glasses actually comes from the Swiss mountains. The spokesman was very friendly and said: „We obtain the glasses from an Indian company who claims to manufacture the glasses in Nepal, where the air is supposedly even better than in Swiss or West England.”

The CEO of the Indian company gave us the phone number of their Nepalese business partner, who told us that they had not been producing the glasses themselves for years, but that they were getting the glasses already hermetically sealed from abroad. So we asked: „And where are the glasses made now?”. The man giggled: „Well, in China, of course, it’s ridiculously cheap…!”.

*All names changed

This glass contains the purest air from Bad-Cannstatt certified by experts. The Mayor of Stuttgart, Fritz Kuhn, will not miss the opportunity to sniff on every single glass before it is exported to China for 280 Euro…

The cleaning lady is not only some ordinary chick who cleans up our mess. Principally, any ordinary welfare recipient could do this as a 1 Euro job. No, the cleaning lady is enlightened with creativity, the art of the modern world would still stagnate on a stone-age level without her.

For example, the German artist Romana Menze-Kuhn was fortunate enough to benefit from the superior expertise of one of those gifted art enhancers. Menze-Kuhn could exhibit her beautiful artwork ‚Behausung 6/2016’ at the Philippus church in Mannheim, directly in front of the altar. Her work mainly consisted of crumpled up gold-colored rescue foil from a first aid box, which was impressively draped around a few wooden pallets so that it formed some kind of hut. In front of this hut the gifted artist placed casually, not to say quite loosely, some more crumpled up scraps of the decorative foil.” The whole thing symbolized a refugee accommodation with refugees standing in front of it. Menze-Kuhn wanted to express how little effort is needed to help people seeking protection.

However, without this explanation, the artwork rather reminded of Christmas trash. Namely, the pile of sparkling gift wrap after a large family unwrapped their presents. And that is how it came that the dutiful cleaning lady summarily threw the refugees into the trash while cleaning the church.

When the priestess wanted to present the great work of art to her congregation at Sunday’s church service, the only thing left were its sad remains in the form of a hut. After all, the present artist stayed calm and immediately had the idea to integrate the new situation in her artwork. She took the trashcan along with the thrown-out foil into the church and put it next to the remains of her artwork. The work of art improved by the cleaning lady could be viewed for another two weeks, then the rest was thrown in the trash as well.

In Dortmund, another cleaning lady also managed to improve an 800,000 Euro piece of art. Artist Martin Kippenberg, who is known for his uncompromising creativity, had given his work the impressive name „Wenn’s anfängt durch die Decke zu tropfen (When it starts dripping through the roof).” Kippenberger has been dead for many years, but his work lived on and was borrowed from its owner for an exhibition. The work consisted of a collection of artfully piled up wooden slats with a black rubber tub underneath showing a distinct lime stain.

However, the adept cleaning lady exposed the tub as trash and threw it out. This means that the artwork, reduced to its essentials, is probably twice as valuable and we advise the owner to pay the cleaning lady a part of the added value as a reward.

The famous artist Joseph Beuys also profited from the genius of his cleaning lady. Namely with his famous work „Fett-Ecke” (Greasy Corner). According to the plan of the artists, the grease applied in the corner was supposed to change its color and consistency over time and symbolize that everything changes – including humans – and eventually disappears altogether. But the cleaning lady didn’t want to wait that long – she scrubbed away the greasy spot as soon as she saw it.

Die Badewanne (The Bathtub) by Joseph Beuys is even more famous. The artist had completely covered that dirty thing with leucoplast. Probably so he would no longer have to see the dirt. This wonderful artwork was to be exhibited as part of a touring exhibition at the Morsebroich Castle in Leverkusen and was already stored there a few days before the exhibition.

In the meantime, the SPD Leverkusen Association held a grand party at the castle, and the two SPD members Hilde Müller and Marianne Klein proved that not only cleaning ladies were gifted art enhancers. The two wanted to wash the glasses after having a few drinks. They absolutely needed a container to do so.

Of course, the two girls found the plastered bathtub and suddenly felt their artistic urge crawling up their guts and into their creative brains. They pulled off the leucoplast, rinsed out the tub until it sparkled of cleanliness, and then they washed their glasses in it.

Unfortunately, neither the tub-owning art collector nor various judges had any knowledge of art, so the city of Wuppertal – as the borrower of the refined tub – had to pay the owner 56,000 DMark as compensation. No good deed goes unpunished…