What We're Not Writing

by Jonathan Green & Gabe Miller

As every fan of watching things on screens is aware, the Writers Guild of America (WGA) has struck, or perhaps stricken, against the Alliance of Motion Picture, Television, and Made-For-Television Motion Picture Producers (AMPTMFTMPP).

As WGA members, we vow not to commit any of our brilliant ideas to the page until the studios capitulate to our demands. We refuse to draw upon our vast creative resources, which include one shared copy of Final Draft software and a vocabulary chock full of words like "capitulate," "chock full," and "lest." Lest America forget what it's missing out on, here’s WHAT WE’RE NOT WRITING today:

(To tell the world what you're not writing during the strike, click here.)

back when we did write

what aren't you writing?

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

4 boneless, skinless chicken breast halves on spring break in Cancun suddenly find themselves mixed up with 3 cups of salsa and a wisecracking can of cream of chicken soup. Together the gang jumps into a 9x13 baking dish and hits the road, where in no time they're layered with 12 sexy young tortillas and 4 promiscuous cups of shredded Monterey Jack cheese. Then things really heat up -- to 350 degrees for 55 minutes! (Movie would've been enjoyed by 8 to 10.)

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

A roughly 30-ish woman, who has some kind of character flaw or unfulfilled need, meets a man who seems completely wrong for her for some reason. But when they find themselves in a situation together (not this, but something like a month-long Alaskan cruise), they end up falling in... well, let's say "love" as a placeholder.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

A flashy, trash-talking street player crashes the stuffy, elite world of the Four-Square Nationals. Ever seen a 360 Popcorn-Bus Stop combo? Well, guess what, son -- while you were trying to figure out if those moves were "regulation", you just got Shoeshined!

Friday, February 1, 2008

Feature. When Air Force One is struck by lightning, cynical President Kyle Blevins is incinerated -- except for his tongue, which is brought back to life by government scientists, and goes on to speak the truth about America in a way his full-bodied self never could.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

One-hour FX series focusing on Mike Kottmeier, Tucson's bad boy of commercial refrigeration. In the pilot, he would've been described by his main rival as "colder than a semi-hermetic freon compressor."

Monday, January 21, 2008

In our sample episode, Dr. House would have been suspended by hospital administrators after what he originally diagnoses as a case of the Mondays turns out to be a much more serious outbreak of the Blahs.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Sitcom. To save money, a newlywed couple shares a house with the bride's four identical quintuplet sisters. (With the help of computer trickery, all five women would have been played by "Meet The Parents" star Teri Polo.)

Friday, January 11, 2008

Drama series about the O'Rourke family, in which everyone has something to hide. Husband Jerry is living a double life, hiding his homosexuality from even his wife Barbara, who closely guards a secret of her own: she's gay. Meanwhile, neither parent realizes that their daughter Kimberly is a lesbian. And they're all in the dark about son Ryan, whose non-straightness is the biggest secret of all.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Using tough love and high standards, an unconventional teacher inspires a motley group of students to defy expectations and make yet another movie exactly like The Great Debaters, Stand And Deliver, Dangerous Minds, Lean On Me, Freedom Writers, and To Sir, With Love.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Romantic comedy. An anthropology grad student finds an unlikely soulmate among a group of primitive mountain people living untouched by Western civilization, but is forced to win him back after her slight head cold wipes out everyone else in his tribe.

Monday, December 31, 2007

An expanded, 2-hour "Spit It Out, Carl!" in which Macklin and Burwell would have investigated a death at a New Year's party, while desperately trying to keep the DNA-laden party hats out of a certain co-worker's gullet.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

A suspense thriller with a shocking twist. At the very end of the movie, the frustrated detective has the sickening realization that he is in fact not a police detective, but a blueberry muffin with delusions of grandeur. (On repeated viewings of the movie, the audience would have noticed that Det. Barry Muffin was never NOT seen on the counter of the precinct break room.)

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Two department-store Santas compete in a cutthroat road rally from Santa Fe, New Mexico to Santa Barbara, California. But when a jolly old mechanic in red coveralls mysteriously shows up to help them with their cars, they just might learn the true meaning of Christmas.

Monday, December 24, 2007

On this special holiday episode of "...Tea At...", the gang would have gathered at Clive's Brooklyn apartment to eat figgy pudding and share memories of Christmases past. (You wouldn't have believed Cordelia's '80s hair!)

Friday, December 21, 2007

Murder mystery. Twelve characters board a chartered yacht for a dinner party -- an hour later, one winds up dead. Which guest was the killer? Was it Baron Von Bromeier, the greedy land-owner? Or Vanessa, the socialite with a dark secret? Or the guy with the eyepatch? Or Klaus, the mysterious ex-spy? A classic "Whichonedidit".

Thursday, December 13, 2007

We don’t know what it would have been about, but if it somehow won an Academy Award, we bet Julia Roberts would think they’d announced her name, and go up to make an acceptance speech, only to be told, “No, not you -- the movie ‘JulieO’Roberts.’” And she’d probably try to play it off like she was just goofing around, but deep down? She’d be totally embarrassed.

Friday, November 30, 2007

If we weren't on strike, today we would have had a lunch meeting with someone to discuss some project that probably never would've ended up happening. Instead, we’re having lunch alone at Panera (G: Bacon Turkey Bravo, J: Broccoli Cheddar in a bread bowl), and we're not discussing any project at all, so it definitely won’t happen. And we have to pay for ourselves. And we probably can’t even write it off.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Unconventional biopic of “The Lady In Red” singer Chris De Burgh, featuring six different actors playing the languid tunesmith at various stages of his career. (Before the strike, this project had generated considerable buzz within the De Burgh family.)

Friday, November 23, 2007

A fast-paced comedy intercutting between four guys on a bowling team and four heroin addicts in a Skid Row shooting gallery. Shows that people are all really the same, and all of our hobbies are equally valid.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Based on the success of the Peanuts animated special, this “instant classic” would have brought you the holiday as celebrated by whatever that character’s name is, if she even has one. Look out, any Pilgrims who are turning 40!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

A Disney family comedy that would've starred ultimate fighter Chuck Liddell as a lifelong bachelor suddenly forced to care for an unruly but lovable pack of septuplets (several of whom have serious medical conditions due to their premature birth).

Monday, November 12, 2007

The 1978 movie pulled out almost all the stops, but that won’t cut it in “Extreme ‘07”! Rest assured, in this remake, one of the many ways the guy and his orangutan would have gone would definitely have been loose.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Ever wonder what your life would look like as seen by a housefly? Don't answer yet! Now what if it wasn't just any fly, but a wacky free spirit who is NOT afraid to go there! (A computer-animated half-hour comedy that would've featured the voice of "Canadian Bacon's" Kevin Pollak.)