Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I am a girl and I throw fits. And punches. And telephones.

I'm a girl....and I throw fits.

Actually, it's not that I'm a girl, it's that I'm a monster. A petite, vicious, little monster- with carny teeth who won't hesitate to bite, or punch below the belt, while simultaneously biting you some place weird...like on your collar bone.

When I was six I tore buttons off of little girls dresses so mine would look prettier. I fought off 6 strong men (all family members) when my ear piercing closed up and they were forced to shove it back in...or so they tried. I'm that kid that lays down, in the middle of a crowd and throws her body wildly in all directions, then kicks over the precariously stacked pyramid of Nilla wafers.I have the mental strength of steel, especially when I want to get my way, thus inducing the physical strength of baby Hercules....or, those people that pull a Semi off of their loved one in an accident.

.....Now try dating me.

It's not that I was that kid, I AM that kid. I just have learned to throw temper tantrums more discreetly, or in moving vehicles...where the victim cannot escape your wrath. My "short fuse" didn't grow into a longer one and my outbursts didn't lessen the more I "understood my emotions" as I got older....if anything, the more I defined my own opinions, the more impassioned I became.

I can be impossible.....

... because...I am a girl and I throw fits. I throw fits with cold shoulders, misplaced anger and the silent treatment. I kick and I scream, I glare and I seethe, until it's unmanageable to exist in my presence. I throw daggers into open wounds, because sometimes it's the easiest shot and though the pride of winning fair is "nice," guaranteeing the victory with enough time to gloat is better. I "take it there" when I shouldn't...and I go to bed angry. (Or I "toss and turn" angry.) Angry over little, silly, ridiculous things- sometimes I fight so hard I forget what I was even angry about.

When I throw fits, firing off words like whoever encounters me is my verbal punching bag, I want to vomit. Kicking and screaming doesn't make me feel better, like it used to, when it was just a pillow to punch, or a teddy bear to throw and some "girl rock" to scream loudly to......there isn't that SIGH at the end of a good tantrum, where the heat in your face settles and your cheesy are speckled with pink, eyes watery and red from fighting of the "weakness" of tears.... that isn't there when I fight.

The only thing that makes my tantrum better is when he grabs my body, and holds me....tightly in his arms. So tight it takes my breath away, until he can steady me again. Until he can fill me with new air, air that calms me. Air that makes everything CLEAR again.....

I'll admit that there have been times when I believed my "passion" for something would be validated if I were "stronger" by being more willing to get bloody and dig my teeth into the meat of life, with tenacity to hunt, kill and feast. If I fought viciously- like two chickens in a fight, the only winner is the one who is willing to go in for the kill. And I wanted to be that chicken....the one everyone's a little bit scared to pet. I confused tenacity, or fierceness- with being mean and being stubborn. So stubborn my tunnel vision was giving me a fucking headache.

For the past year and a half- My Love hasn't taken away my "fire," my "vibrant energy"(that's what he likes to call it), or that kick in my step that both works WITH me and against me, depending on where (and how hard) the kick is actually swinging....he hasn't taken away ANYTHING....but he HAS taught me when the kicking and screaming is worth it.

When sometimes, it's ok to just throw off the gloves- because strength isn't measured by how hard you can punch, or how loud you can scream. Strength isn't measured by how long you can "be right." Or how long you can "win." By keeping score, or being "better than" With all of your "I told you so's." That type of strength keeps people apart, it separates you; making you, "you and them".....and really, what a lonely place to be. It keeps compassion from growing, relationships from developing, and leaves just enough bitterness to, over time, harden you. Bit, by bit. Letting it go can be the greatest redemption. Furrowed brows, pursed lips and sucking air through your teeth, while biting the inside of your cheeks aren't qualities that scream "love me" or "life is good!" they scream Cruella Deville. Or, bitter and "not getting laid."

I am a girl and I throw fits. But, I will be better about throwing fits in the right direction. I will kick and scream until I am living the life I dream. I will kick and scream when I believe in something, so deeply it makes my stomach turn. I will kick and scream at the naysayers in my head, the doubts that tell me "I can't" and the people that challenge me. I will fight for the things that make me happy, instead of fighting against things that makes me sad. For the right to have a job I love, live with a man I love, for the body I live in that I love, and for the family that makes me. I will fight when what I'm fighting for creates harmony in my life, not stress.

I am a girl and I throw fits.....but I promise at least this much....I will stop throwing them in Blockbuster. (Waving at you, couple that saw me throw a dvd like I was ten, sorry about that.) and yeah, I said Blockbuster....because I'm archaic and fucking hate the idea of picking out movies online. So there.

102 comments:

Hahaha, I can totally relate to this post, Chelsea. I'm with you. I used to fling my flower vase at my boyfriend when he used to try and wake me up in the morning. He got hit on the forehead once and that was that :P

I am a bit of both. I don't like confrontation, so in my relationship with Dave, the rule is that we talk about 'issues' then and there. Also, if anyone tries to treat me like crap, I can just walk away.

If anything or anyone is upsets Dave, my sister or my close friends though, what is now know is 'Lisa-Wrath' pops up quickly. I've learned to control it, but I did once have someone twice my size backed up against a walk for calling one of my more sensitive friends a slut.

It was really good reading about this, cause it just reminded me about everything my bf did for me in my times of "fighting". I can get so hysterical and angry and he always manages to be calm, or to hold me if I start screaming and crying over such stupid things...

Bookmarked this post. I am a fighter...i fight so much, so much, till it drives both of us crazy. I'm already fighting with him on something and I don't know whether this post of yours suits our current fight, or whether I should continue screaming and kicking.

Hah! This is such good timing, the other night Inspector Climate and I were cuddling before bed and then he can't fall asleep cuddling, so he rolled away from me and I was like "YOU DON"T LOVE ME" mostly joking, but partly not. The next night we were laughing about it. And I'd been in a lot of pain (I have a mouth ulcer the size of Mt Everest on the inside of my gum!) and I finally had to admit that sometimes I just don't know what I am cranky about until later...

That was an extremely long comment with a non interesting conclusion...

I don't really throw tantrums anymore. If I get upset enough I just cry.

Being mentally strong gets you farther. That being said; I sink my teeth and nails,pull hair kick balls and drag people around when I am trying to achieve a goal...Physically, I am as puny as you could ever find, however as a Jedi Master I can move S%$% with my mind and try to always win that way ;-)

I never thought I could scream the way I do when I'm upset with my partner. These screams come out of some deep place in me and the sound startles me just about as much as it does him. I like that I can be intense when it's appropriate. I can also be intensely happy. I'm an equal opportunity emotional creature.

I'm mostly a lover, but I have my moments (mostly during THAT time) in which I scream, curse, yell, and kick walls. Most of the time though, my fear of confrontation keeps me at bay; however, the people I'm closest to (family & man) get the brunt of my wrath when it shows its ugly head.

First of all, Blockbuster is still where it's at because who plans the nights they want to stay in in advance? Oh, um, I think I wanna watch 300 next Thursday. Let me put it on my Netflix queue! Yeah, no I will never be down with that.

Secondly, growing up in a home that once housed 8 people at a time, fighting was the only way to get stuff. It was about survival. If you didn't throw a tantrum, you just wouldn't get the last bowl of Fruit Loops. So that set me up with a lifetime of battle skills, I just use them more wisely now. Some things just aren't worth the fight.

I've always been the same exact way. I'm overly passionate. I'm a lover and a fighter and my mom used to always think it was a bad thing how hard I would fight. My current boyfriend is the first person that has seen it as a GOOD thing and hasn't tried to change that aspect of me.

Sometimes it kicks me in the ass and works against me like you said. But most of the time I'm thankful that I'm so passionate about everything in my life.

I can relate to this post, although I'm not like that all the time. Ehm..well, I try not to be like this all the time. But, with certain ppl I am the exact opposite of this; I'd avoid confrontation at any cost, which, I think is even worse option.

I've never been a "Make Love, Not War" kind of girl. However, I do throw fits, just as you do sometimes and I end up becoming so embarrassed that I just throw in the towel and go with the "kiss and makeup" theory:o)

i think im more a fighter than a lover. being loved is so hard sometimes, but im getting better. i can definitely relate to the NEED to be right/justified/whatever. although, im not as violent. i leave that to my crazy little sister who throws pens ;)

I love this post. I'm a fighter, but not on a big scale -- when I'm pissed at someone, I let them know right away, but after a few minutes or, at most, an hour or so, I get bored with being angry and just go back to acting like everything's normal. This is fine with other people who say what they think all the time, but doesn't work so well with sensitive dudes or internalizers (like my ex)...

I'd definitely say that I'm more of a lover. Times are few and far between these days that I'm having to fight for things that I truly believe in. I don't sweat the small things, so it takes a lot to get my feisty. I have surrounded myself with the right people over the past year, people who have the same standards of life that I've come to expect, and it has made things a hell of a lot easier.

This kind of goes back to your last post, too, about how you are finding new friends... friends that inspire you to live the life that you want, not a life that they think you should lead. It's great to finally find that.

I'm the Pisces who is loving, dreamy and pretty easy going. But then again, who the fuck am I kidding? I'm Italian/Sicilian/Irish. Tell me one part of that mix that is mellow, doesn't yell, isn't passionate, doesn't drink (oops), and is quiet. None.

I know you're the same, which is why we should talk about this more ;)

Lastly, I've grown to love my fiery side. I have learned to sway it a little bit more, but I also know that it's not going away. I meditate and do yoga to relax and curb the intensity, but I am still intense, I just can't help it. In short, finding someone who can vibe with that, understand it and calm you is pretty amazing. I love this post!

I am definitely a fighter, but being married makes you try to take the high road sometimes. But unfortunately, when you're a fighter, holding it all in and trying to make things better just ends in one giant blow out fight in which you drag up past hurts/regrets. It sucks.

i love how right you are about strength not being about who can scream the loudest.

i am a fighter. a VERY stubborn one at that. but i usually dont care about right or wrong, i just want empathy. i fight just to have my voice heard and understood. i cry and manipulate. i slam doors. i yell. i glare. i give the silent treatment - and boy can i do that well.

you are so right about letting go being the greatest redmeption. i just hope i can remember that the next time i pick a fight.

I was a fighter in the wrong way and it got me so down and I came to realise that it was stupid :)I had a huge realisationa few weeks ago of life's really too short and I should enjoy every moment and I have been living by it since and life is awesome =)Love your blog :)

hahahah amazing, i'm definitely both. cold shoulder, rolling my eyes, ignoring, angry texts....yep I sadly do it all but my boyfriend has figured out how to deal with me thank god. i was definitely worse when i was little though, hopefully I'll only get better with time :)

Okay, this was really funny. I especially love your Blockbuster reference at the end. Let's see, I guess "I can be your best friend or your worst enemy ... it's up to you." Can't remember where I read that, but I always like it:) Thanks for stopping by my blog, love that I know yours now too!

i'm more of a passive-agressive fighter. i throw fits super discreetly so that my husband knows i'm mad, but isn't sure why or what he did... then he spends all day/week/month trying to make up for it. is that bad? ;)

Can I be a little bit of both? I definitely fight and throw fits and give the silent treatment like none other. I will even pick fights when they aren't necessary at all.

But at the same time I hate fighting, hate confrontation. I will avoid it like the plague at times. With my ex we used to fight like it was going out of style but I learned how to manage that in other relationships. If someone challenges something I love, someone I love, then I will fight to the death.

Love this post--especially about how lonely it can be if all you do is fight the world about everything.

: I'm a lover mostly, but because I dislike confrontation so much. Either severe end of the spectrum is never fun, but I'm fighting to also "throw fits" to be respected and live life fully and achieve my dreams! To throwing fits!!!

I kept nodding and say "I do that" to much of what you posted. When you talk about hugging, I tell him I need pressure. It sounds ridiculous but hugging me very tightly makes things so much better. Not during the fight, but after.

oh yea, I'm with you. I'm a bit in between the two. SOmetimes fits are just necessary. Sometimes they don't work. I think its a play by play decision... Most if its gonna feel good and not hurt anyone, I'm goin tatrum!

Can I be both? I'm totally a lover in that I want every relationship I have in life to be harmonious; coworkers, fiance, friends and family, if something is wrong it makes me VERY upset, because I love things to be all good. At the same time if one of these people has done something that bothers me I will stand my ground and yell down the phone at them through their tears until they get on board with moving forward and quit dragging things out!!

man oh man. You hit this on the head. My counterpart and I have TEMPERS! We are so passive aggressive and we throw things (never at each other! ha ha the poor walls!)and break things all in the name of anger. I always hate these fights when they are happening but when I think back on them I am like "we are fucking awesome."

I love the intensity. I hate how mad we make each other sometimes, but I love how worked up we can get over, which are sometimes, very stupid things. Our fights, when they happen, make us so much stronger. But sometimes they physically exhaust me in a way that isn't the best. I hate the fear that comes with a fight where you're thinking--will this be the end? Then there is always that real thought that kicks in that says, "there is no fucking way this is over, we have too much invested and we love each other to death." When we are not fighting we are for sure lovers.

I never threw tempers as a child really, I was quite well behaved and although I wasn't an only child (he is the only child)- having half brothers 10+ years older than you also kind of makes you eligible to be treated like one. So we both demand this attention and desire to be right and to be listened to whenever one pleases. One also would like a response right away and an emotional reaction to go with that response. All of those traits of two only children together is sure to spark up some intensity and it plays a huge roll in the process of the relationship, but this keeps it interesting.

I tend to throw fits when I feel I look like shit when we are about to go somewhere nice. I hate that and will throw hairbrushes, punch hard granite columns, and cry. But I too, would just prefer he come over and hug me in times of extreme "fit" mode.

In times of anger, I always prefer we either talk about it or just hug it out and forget it. If a newly arisen problem is not mentioned to me within five days and I do not mention a problem with him then the problem is considered void in my eyes. I try to be pretty cool about most things, but sometimes..I just flip my shit.

ha--I'm sorry I wrote so much! But yes I have been glued to the Olympics! I used to train with Evan Lysacek back in the day when I was competitive. Its great to see him doing so well!

I'm a lover and a fighter, depending on which Gemini mood I am in. Sometimes I like to kill them with kindness, other times my sharp tongue does the job right. Whatever mood I am in, I have found that crying does wonders for the soul.

I kinda love that your threw a fit at Blockbuster. I mean, really, there is no better place. I'm a lover, but - lady - I can throw a tantrum with the best of them.

For example, if you make me mad on the phone, I physically cannot stop myself from hanging up. Can. Not. Oh, and if I'm really mad I cannot keep the "Go f*ck yourself" in my mouth. Oh, and I'll throw my phone across the room, but that's only if I'm alone.

I totally throw fits too. I haven't gotten to the point where I throw anything yet but I am known to throw my body on the floor and kick and scream and fail like a 2 year old. I haven't had a good fit in a long time....hmm maybe one is coming! Good thing you have such an awesome man that takes you for who you are!

Yeah, I relate to this post too. I feel very bad for my mom for what she had to put up with when I was younger (and I don't mean 4 years old; all the way through adolescence). Having an even mildly autistic child means having to deal with more shitstorms than most other parents go through. Now that I've learned to express what I want a little more effectively, I don't throw as many fits; only when I'm genuinely angry (not when I'm slightly inconvenienced, or thinking that other people need to anticipate my actions and know exactly what I want before I even know it). In those cases, though, I do have a very hard time controlling myself. I don't know if it's the "right direction" necessarily, but at least it seems to be a little closer to that.

I am definitely a lover. I don't fight well at all. But, I agree with you---a big lesson to learn is which fights are worth it and which fights are purely of your own making, for your own justification.

In the end, though, we have to let it ALL go. And love and love and love. What's this life for anyway?

hey girl, sorry i've been mia - exams and vacays have been consuming my life for a little while. also, thanks for taking the time to enter my giveaway :) haha this post is cute, im definitely a lover. but i agree, girls throw fits but i dont think we can help that at all ;)

I have rarely seen such a load of immature, self-serving, self-congratulatory pap. You, and many of your followers it would seem, seem to have no concept of the difference between a "fight" and a "struggle."

The latter is the spirit within you that, if it strong, constantly tries to reach your life's goals. Most people would consider that "good."

The former, which you have so eloquently described, is the knee-jerk reaction to something that, at the moment, does not please you. Most people would consider that "annoying."

holden- We absolutely know the difference and grasp the concept of "struggle" and "fight." We're all striving to reach our "life goals" isn't that the makeup of so many of the twenty something bloggers?

.....sometimes it's ok to talk about the "annoying" things....as YOU so eloquently took the time to explain to me.

Especially....on my own blog. I would assume, since it is so- that being self-anything (self-serving, and so on....) would make sense. Since I am here, speaking about myself.

I love this post, Chelsea. It is familiar and insightful and timely for me. Last night, my wonderfully patient boyfriend was trying to teach me how to ride my bike with new pedals and those shoes that clip into them. It's WAY hard, in case you didn't know. So, I got frustrated and yelled at him and I threw my bike (well, I mostly just dropped carelessly, because come on, I can't throw that shit). I felt like a stupid child and then I sulked and was mad at him and I didn't even know why. Must work on channeling that energy into something good. So, thank you!