A therapist's take on life, the world, you and me.

The bearded woman

Most of the Western world seems to have had a good laugh this week at an unidentified Arab ambassador to Dubai.

This gentleman rushed to annul his marriage contract and cancel his wedding after he finally got a look at his bride-to-be’s face and realized she was cross-eyed and had a beard. She’d worn a niqab, a heavy veil, during their courtship, so he’d never actually laid eyes on her until moments before they tied the knot.

It’s a great story, and it does seem pretty silly to marry a woman when you haven’t even seen her face.

But before we laugh too hard at another culture’s ridiculous, sentimental notions, maybe we should take a look at some of our own.

Like marriage.

The People’s Therapist is well aware that he sounds like a grinch when he writes about this subject, but here goes.

Marriage makes no sense. It is a lot of sentimental clap-trap.

And I’m sorry, gay folks, but you’re out of your minds if you think this tired old convention is going to make you any happier than it’s made the heteros.

A couple is happy because it’s happy. Getting married, if it has any effect at all, usually only helps to break you up.

Before you start drafting that angry comment, consider the reality of a wedding. You stand with your partner, your best friend, someone with whom you share a very personal, private relationship – in front of a roomful of family, friends and near-strangers. What do you do in front of all those people? Promise you will stay together forever.

No one can promise that.

A relationship takes place in the moment. You probably have a shared dream – someplace you want to go together, and that’s great. But no one knows if that dream will last, or if you’ll get there. That’s why it’s a dream.

Relationships are like movie film – lots of tiny boxes with a little piece of shared experience captured in each one. When you take all those little moments of shared experience and line them up, it tells a story that seems inevitable. But it never was inevitable, and there’s no way to know what’s coming next.

The worst part is that couples often become hyper-focused on the wedding itself. These affairs can be enormous undertakings nowadays, which grow into monsters that gobble your life. The wedding -essentially a big party for your relatives – can become the shared dream.

That means, when the wedding’s over…there’s nothing left to chase. Some couples find themselves staring at one another, blinking in the sunlight, wondering what to do next. And that thing to do next might not be something they want to do together.

Maybe the ultimate reason I’m so down on marriage is that I’m a therapist, and I’ve seen divorce, up close and personal. And yes – gay divorce, too.

It’s awful.

I don’t know if it’s the rotten state of divorce laws – they date back to the Victorian era, when a woman was essentially a piece of property – or just the broken dream itself, but people can lose their minds during divorces. I’ve seen couples sue one another until they’re both bankrupt, and then keep suing. The lawyers are happy to take their money until there’s none left, at which point they walk away and leave the unhappy partners to battle it out on their own.

It’s ugly.

But most marriages end that way. In divorce. In the US, 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce.

Wow.

I’m sorry. I might be the Grinch. But I didn’t invent that reality. It just is.

Instead of bemoaning the death of family – or whatever you want to call it – how about we face the fact that you can’t judge the quality of a relationship based upon its longevity. You might spend a marvelous three years with someone and decide that it’s time to move on. Or you might stay together for sixty years and be totally miserable.

It’s not about staying together with the same person forever. It’s about finding something that works in the moment – the here and now – and enjoying it. Wake up each and every day as though it were the first day all over again, and decide then and there if it’s where you still want to be. If it is – great. It is isn’t – also great.

Why does that seem so awful?

Because there’s a child inside you who longs for stability. All children crave stability – it’s what they thrive upon. And marriage regresses us into that child.

An adult doesn’t need a relationship or a ceremony to provide him stability. He carries it within himself. He can leave one relationship, be by himself, or enter another relationship. It doesn’t matter that much. He’ll do just fine.

An adult doesn’t need a parent – he contains his own parent. His partner can be his friend, his ally, his playmate, his companion – his equal.

An adult is a whole person, not a half person. And if the other whole person leaves to try something different, he remains a whole person.

I suspect there ought to be some sort of legal protection for couples who have children. Perhaps civil union is the answer for those legal issues.

But traditional marriage is a silly, out-dated custom.

When you pull up the veil, and see what’s really there, you might be in for an unpleasant surprise.

16 Responses

What a great metaphor to start out with! You bring up many good points that I’ve also written about: the impossible fairy-tale aspirations… living for the Big Day… Truly, it’s a flawed institution and we’d all be wise to lift the veil and view the truth behind the decorated disguise.

Apparently some politician in Germany is advocating a seven-year lease for marriage, after which, if the marriage is not renewed, it automatically becomes null and void. So you can indulge your inner child in its quest for some stability without falling into the “until death” rut. I’m all for it!

You make some interesting points Will, since I’ve been married for about 30 years I’m not convinced. I understand the reason why my marriage works so well for us is because my husband and I compliment each other we don’t complete each other.

Either way when people enter into a relationship like marriage, maybe they should get “therapy check ups” much like physicals every year. Address any relationship problems as they arise, before they get to the point they want to rip each others hearts out… any thoughts?

Absolutely! I’m a long-termer myself. My first relationship lasted 12 years, and I’m at 7 years and counting (and very happy) in relationship number 2.

I strongly encourage couples-counseling “check-ins.” In fact, couples counseling is perfect for that purpose. I have several long-term couples I see who are doing great, but come in about every month or two, just to make sure they’re saying everything to one another and are both on the same base. It’s a shame that so many couples only show up in my office when things have fallen apart and they are in crisis. It would make much more sense to drop-in while things are working, just to do some communicating.

Your divorce stats. are off–the highest it has ever been was in the 40’s, and now it’s back down to roughly one in three marriages ending in divorce.

But speaking as someone who is married (and didn’t have the big crazy wedding because neither of us wanted it) what made marriage and opening up special to me was that when you confide in someone who is always going to be there–more intimacy is possible. There are things I haven’t told anyone else, ever, that I’ve told my husband. That is meaningful to me. It makes me feel safe. I don’t look to him for everything, I am a grownup, but being around him makes me happier. I don’t think you have to be incomplete or half of a person to feel like life is way better being with someone who understands you and cares for you and helps ease you through the rough times. Not that you need marriage in order to have that sort of commitment, but I do think a serious commitment of any sort changes the relationship for the better.

And while you criticize security, you don’t really explain why it is a bad thing.

Security must come from within – the parent you are for the child within you. You cannot attach yourself to another person’s life as though he were a rope tossed to you in a stormy sea. That’s not a partner – that’s a rescuer. If you carry security inside, your relationship will flourish and might last a long time. But the relationship isn’t the locus of safety – you are.

Not sure if your divorce rate stats are correct. I saw those stats on divorcerate.com. I didn’t see any sourcing for them. My impression was that in the U.S. the divorce rate for first marriages was between 30 and 40% and that the rate shot up significantly for second and third marriages. Unfortunately the U.S. Census or CDC doesn’t seem to break out the stats in that manor.

You are conflating weddings and relationships with marriage. Weddings are a silly outdated tradition. If you’re looking for “[a] friend, [an] ally, [a] playmate, [a] companion – [an] equal” than a relationship is what you want. However, marriage is a contract, and is useful as such.

By the logic set forth in your post, why should we recognize any kind of contract at all? “It’s not about living up to your end of a bargain that you negotiated and agreed to. It’s about finding something that works in the moment – the here and now – and enjoying it. Wake up each and every day as though it were the first day all over again, and decide then and there if you still want to pay the rent stipulated in that lease you signed. If so – great. If not – also great.”

It’s not just children who crave stability. Anyone who might have a future obligation to meet or a future need to fulfill (i.e., everyone) must plan ahead, and planning ahead is impossible without some level of stability. There are people out there who can have all of their needs optimally met through in-the-moment relationships (of course, these people should not reproduce and should have very good health and disability insurance). Perhaps there are a few couples out there that can have successful and fulfilling long-term relationships with an explicit understanding that any plan they make for the future is subject to the condition that both parties will still want to go through with it when the time comes to perform. Other (most) people prefer an explicit commitment that, in exchange for a promise to love, honor, care for, etc. your partner in sickness and health, rich or poor, etc., your partner will do the same for you, yes, forever.

I don’t know about this idea. A marriage is just a (very) long-term commitment. It seems that if you want to start a family with someone, a long term commitment is very important. You wrote that: “All children crave stability – it’s what they thrive upon.” What eliminating or doing away with marriage does is eliminate that stability for children. To be sure, some marriages end and those are hell on children. And some children do fine with only one parent, but it seems like as an ideal creating a long-term commitment for a family should be an important step in providing stability for the children. I would submit that marriage provides that stable basis for creation of a family. As the old joke goes: A 90 year old couple visit the divorce attorney. The lawyer is shocked. “You’ve been married for 65 years! Why are you getting divorced now?” They reply: “We wanted to wait until our children died.”

Divorce is certainly ugly, but I think marriage (gay or straight) is a worthy ideal for raising children.

It’s time for your appointment

Will Meyerhofer, JD LCSW-R is a psychotherapist in private practice in TriBeCa, in New York City.
You can visit his private practice website at: www.aquietroom.com.
Will holds degrees from Harvard, NYU School of Law and The Hunter College School of Social Work, and used to be an associate at Sullivan & Cromwell before things changed...
Now, in addition to his work as a psychotherapy, he writes books and blog entries and a column for AboveTheLaw.com.