My girlfriend got laid off four months ago, along with many of her co-workers. She is not making a serious attempt to find a job and is just living off unemployment benefits. She stays up until morning watching TV and sleeps until the late afternoon. I figured that she may be depressed, so I encouraged her to go to counseling and to volunteer or take a course so she would feel productive, but she refused. She has a great work ethic when she's employed, so I'm very puzzled by this. Worse yet, I'm quickly losing respect for her.

--Disturbed

Unfortunately, drooling while napping is not considered a form of multitasking.

It's understandable that you're losing respect for your girlfriend, given her newfound leadership in the Occupy The Couch movement. Now, maybe she is just lazy, or maybe, like dieters who decide to eat like walruses over the holidays, she's decided to take some lazytime. However, because you describe her as pretty industrious when she's working, it's possible that her descent into human slipcoverhood comes out of how frustratingly scarce jobs are in certain professions. When you're hardworking and good at your job, the answer to "Where do you see yourself a year from now?" isn't supposed to be "On a corner with a cardboard sign, begging for change."

The sense that productivity has become unproductive can trigger an emotional response called "low mood," marked by fatigue, deep pessimism, feelings of worthlessness, changes in appetite and sleep, and a slowing of motivation (symptoms also seen in depression). Psychiatrist and evolutionary psychologist Randolph Nesse believes that low mood evolved to stop us from wasting our energy by persisting in fruitless endeavors, like waiting around for our bison dinner to grab a drink at a watering hole that's run dry. (Pointless persistence was especially likely to be fatal a million or so years before the creation of 7-Elevens and fast-food drive-thrus.)

To understand why our psychology would be set up like this -- to stick its foot out and trip us -- it helps to recognize that our emotions are basically traffic directors for our behavior, designed to maximize our survival and reproductive success, not our happiness. Accordingly, Nesse explains that the "disengagement" from motivation that accompanies low mood serves a number of purposes: to immediately prevent further losses, to make us rethink what we're doing, and to signal to others that we need care. (Ticket to Hugsville, please.)

The psychiatric bible of mental disorders, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, doesn't bother to differentiate between the "adaptive" low mood Nesse is talking about and depression caused by malfunctioning brain chemistry. The DSM's diagnosis of depression just involves taking count: Five or more almost daily symptoms (fatigue, pessimism, etc.) lasting for more than two weeks? Congratulations! You're depressed. But what's important to note from Nesse's work is that depression isn't necessarily a sign of brain dysfunction. And there's a lot of hope in this, because if your symptoms have an environmental reason, maybe you can see your way to an environmental remedy.

If your girlfriend is experiencing low mood, the last thing she needs is the sense that her job loss will soon have the loss of her boo to keep it company. Let her know that you love her and are there for her, and then tell her about Nesse's thinking on low mood, which might help her scavenge enough hope to start thinking outside the, uh, bed.

Physical action is another emotion-changer -- even if you have to force it. For example, research by psychologist James Laird finds that busting out smiles actually makes people happier. Research by biopsychologist Timothy Puetz finds that acting energized -- like by regularly doing 20 moderately paced minutes on an exercise bike -- actually energizes, with the ensuing raised heart rate and various surging biochemicals basically standing in for force-feeding a 5-Hour Energy drink to that ugly low mood.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy, which uses reason to help people dig out of their emotional problems, could also be helpful. However, because your girlfriend's idea of productivity now seems to involve simply sitting in the dark rather than lying in the dark, you might take on the therapeutic preliminaries: Find the therapist; make the appointment; and be there to drive her at the appointed time. However, you should also be prepared for her to refuse to get in the car when that time comes. That said, your being something of a pushy jerk for the woman you love will probably mean a lot. It just might be the pushy she needs to start living through FOMO -- fear of missing out -- instead of fear of missing out on an afternoon of making paisley patterns on her face with the couch.

Comments

This is pretty spot on. One thing the LW doesn't mention is if his girlfriend tried really hard for at least a couple of weeks to find something else. I went through that myself. I was really gung-ho about finding a new job, but as the weeks wore on without as much of an interview, I started to find I could exist okay on my unemployment and stopped trying so hard. Depression did set in, but once I found myself gainfully employed (three months later), I was back to my old productive self.

A very good column, Amy. In this day of layoffs, a lot of people are certain to benefit from this advice, even if it has to do with themselves, instead of a loved one.

Patrick
at March 15, 2016 5:12 PM

Whenever I've left a job for whatever reason, I've usually needed a couple of weeks or more to de-compress. I once had an ugly blowout with my girlfriend at the time, because I wasn't putting any effort into getting another job after a layoff. I was mentally fried! She thought I was going to mooch off her, but I was getting paid more with my benefits than she made at her secretary job. I got to ride my bike all summer! I found an excellent job later on, and stayed with it for 3 years.

jefe
at March 15, 2016 7:59 PM

I think he should let her relax and enjoy the time off! She'll find another job eventually. In the meantime, I envy her.

Pirate Jo
at March 16, 2016 5:03 AM

Maybe I'm just a hardcase, but after MONTHS of this my sympathy would be running pretty thin too. She seems to be refusing to even consider changing anything, so this situation may continue indefinitely. LW has made some suggestions, but maybe not clearly stated his expectations, I think he's very justified at this point to say something. Not an ultimatum, but making it clear that he's not happy and needs things to change.

bkmale
at March 16, 2016 7:19 AM

So yeah, she sounds depressed. The hard thing about depression is that it's self-reinforcing; the person suffering from it is dis-motivated to seek help, which makes the condition worse.

I can see where the LW is coming from... he's looking at her and saying, "This is the future if I marry her". She needs a push, and if he still cares for her, he can be the person who does the pushing. That said, the LW is presumably not a professional therapist. There's only so much he can do, and if she doesn't respond, there may be nothing left for him but to walk away. That's sad, but you can't let a sinking ship drag you down with it.

Cousin Dave
at March 16, 2016 7:32 AM

Not sure if he's better off.

She could be sewing curtains, picking out furniture, and cooing over babies.

Bob in Texas
at March 16, 2016 5:31 PM

This brings back very bad thoughts I have towards my ex, who went through jobs like he did a pair of jeans. Lasted about a year or so and then something always went wrong that wasn't his fault. Ya see, those benefits run out. And that big slow train wreck the boyfriend sees coming is a second income not coming into that household. I lost respect for my ex too. And it's not something you get back easily; I never did. Sure take a few weeks to do whatever, then at least send off 10 resumes a week. Make 10 calls. Sign up for a class. Contribute. Do the laundry. Just do something. I'm glad Amy is around for this nice answer, cause I'd just tell you to get up off your dead ass so I don't have to tell you to turn the XBOX down while I, um, actually work.

gooseegg
at March 16, 2016 10:05 PM

re gooseegg's perspective.

At 4 months I'd be worried and looking for a way out of the relationship (I know heartless).

However I've been in the same situation and did waste hours every day AFTER I spent hours every day looking for new opportunities.

Interviewing, "reinventing" your skills (at least the experienced older supervisors give you credit for trying - young people just look at you funny).

4 MONTHS w/no effort? Hit the road Jack ...

The future doesn't look too bright if she does nothing to improve her state of mind or her job skills. If you are not married move on and learn your lessons.