My wife left, saying I was an unmanageable child. I don’t think she’s coming back. So don’t bother turning up at my house this year. There’s nothing I want and the kids are staying with their grandmother. If you appear, I’ll probably be drunk and floor you.

I broke the Regency mirror. Now whenever you look yourself in those insensate eyes you’ll remember how you splintered my spirit and broke my heart. I’ll take seven years bad luck and wish you a lifetime. Oh, and I crashed your car and incinerated your clothes.