and occasionally personal log

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[Error: unknown template qotd]I like a lot of the shows on that list, but I would have to say that Star Wars is my favorite, because it was the first one that I got into. Star Trek would probably be my second favorite (specially DS9). After that I'm not sure. I liked all of the Star Trek shows, but I also liked the updated Battlestar Galactica, although that had more to do with an actor that was in it than anything else. So, I would have to say that Star Wars is my favorite, and I am actually working on collecting all the Expanded Universe books.

[Error: unknown template qotd]I haven't ever known anyone with the same name as me, but I know there are people out there with it, because there are people searching for name on the site that used to be Reunion.com that can't possibly be people I know.

[Error: unknown template qotd]That really depends on the situation, or maybe on the kind of attention. As a general rule, I don't like to be noticed. That might be a result of the fact that when I was in high school, I was the person the lowest of the low picked on. On the other hand, though, I used to enjoy doing community theater, and I often read the lessons in church. And lately, I feel like I'm invisible all the time, and I hate that. But that has more to do with the fact that life has been falling apart lately then it does with the whole attention thing. I think the conclusion I would draw is that I seek attention when I am sure it will be positive attention. Otherwise, I don't seek it, but sometimes end up getting it anyway.

[Error: unknown template qotd]About a year and a half-ago, the New River Library had a program about Japan, and the program involved tasting Japanese food. I can't even remember most of what I ate, but that's probably what makes it so weird. The fact that I technically didn't even know what it was. As for whether I would eat it again, while they're having the samme program the first Thursday in June, and I'm planning to go to it, so I guess I'll be eating some of the same things again. Maybe this time I'll actually remember what they were.

[Error: unknown template qotd]My first friend on LiveJournal was Michelle, who was the person who gave me my account, back when you needed a code to get a free account. She has since left LiveJournal, and I'm not sure she's really my friend at all anymore. I still talk to her sometimes, but we don't have much that really connects us anymore . . . beyond the fact that she owes me about $3000.

I have other friends now, at least I think I do. I'm back in the mood of being unsure about one of them, but that's a really complicated situation that I don't feel like getting into.

[Error: unknown template qotd]I'm not actually sure if there are any songs that I currently know all the words to, but when I was in high school I had the entire libretto to Les Miserables memorized. I think that was about forty-five songs. People used to take the copy of the libretto that I carried around with me, and read a random line and see if I could tell them the next line. Sometimes they would also take my books, and not give them back unless I got a line right.

I also have a lot of children's songs, and some hymns, and Sunday schools memorized, but I don't know how many. There are probably some other songs on my i-tunes that I also know by heart, but I'm not really sure what they are.

I don't know if they would really count as recurring dreams or not. I tend to have a couple of dreams a month about a certain person, but the dreams themselves are always different. As for whether they're good dreams or nightmares, well that depends on my current feelings for that person, I guess.

The first dream I had about this person was a year and about four months ago. That dream was how I figured out that I liked this person. Of course it took me several months to accept the dream, so I always referred to it as a nightmare. Of course, considering how freaked out I was even in the dream, I guess it can count as a nightmare. I took me until the night of the lock-in, last August, to finally come to terms with what that dream had been telling me. The funny thing is how some things that happened in August kind of matched what happened in the dream after the part that freaked me out so bad.

Then, in later in August, after I'd talked to the person I like, I started dreaming about them with some slight frequency. In September, after this person said something that hurt my feelings, and then I didn't see them for the next five weeks, the dreams got very frequent for that five week period. I think I dreamed about the person at least once a week. After I saw them again, and was no longer upset about what they had said, the dreams started occuring once or twice a month, which was actually a nice change from a least one a week.

Okay, I saw this topic, and couldn't resist sharing a limerick that my dad made up a few years ago. He had come down to visit me the week after Christmas and we had gone camping in the Ocala National Forest. It was really cold the first couple days of that week. There was one night that it got down to 28 degrees. Anyway, one night while we were at a campfire he made up this limerick.

Come to Florida for winter sun.Come to Florida for winter fun.Huddle and shiver,Freeze and quiver,Let's see who'll be first to freeze a bun.

I am trying to decide whether to send an e-mail to the person I like. Or rather to one of the people I like.I keep thinking I've decided to send that e-mail, but I always end up not going through with it. One time I got as far as having my compose mail screen up, but still couldn't actually manange to write an e-mail. Of course, I also may have lost the ability to form a coherent sentance around this person, so how I can I expect to write a coherent e-mail, which I can barely do anyway.

It's been a long time since I last wrote an entry, but for the past five weeks at least, I haven't felt like writing much. However, the issue that was bothering me for a few weeks was resolved last night. And I actually managed to ask someone if I had ever really been friends with them, rather than having to have Michelle do that for me.

I am getting ready to do Nanowrimo in a week. I was originally going to write an original fantasy story about the Mighty Dragons, but I wasn't able to plan it out as much as I would have liked to. So, I am going back to my idea to write a fanfiction story, that will have the working title The New Crusaders. It is kind of a tie-in to Caravan Crusaders. And I just realized that that was the title of a story that Michelle and I started, and never got anywhere with.

I'm talking to Michelle again. I called her on Friday to make sure she was alright, since there was some flooding over where she lives. And, I ended up saying something about Scarlet Desires (one of the two novels we were writing together) while talking to her. So, I agreed to call her on Tuesday to continue the discussion of the novels.

So, I called her yesterday, and we talked for almost two hours until I had to get ready for work. We mainly discussed the novels, but we did talk about a few other things as well. And I am calling her to this afternoon to finish the discussion.

What I am worried about is what my other friends will say when they find out that I am apparently friends with Michelle again.

Well, it has been a week since the lock in, and I have finally relaxed enough to start reading again. I even checked out some books today after work.

Last night, I did speak to the person I like, and it turned out they already knew I liked them, and had known since before I even suspected. So, I was basically worried for nothing, because nothing was ruined. And my other reason for worrying was because I was holding myself to different standards than something I had believed for years. I also believe though that my reason for liking this person is unlikely to be repeated with anyone else.

Well, I just stayed up all night. No idea how, other than the fact that I've spent most of the night on this computer.

I have come to a conclusion about what was bothering me. I do have those feelings, but I don't intend to say anything about them. And maybe I will get over this eventually, but in this case, there is not other option. My usual option of running away would cost me both of my friends.

I am at New River right now, for the lock in. And, so far, I have acted completely out of character. I am so flustered about whether or not I like someone that I haven't been able to stop moving all night. I kept dancing, and now I am so tired I can barely move, and the person who confuses me is here someone. I don't know where they went.

I really can't talk about this anymore without having to make this entry private. But I need to come to the conclusion that I don't like this person, and I don't know how to do that.

There is something going on that I am not dealing with very well right now. I am questioning something that I never wanted to question, and don't really know how to handle. And I need to make sure that whatever conclusion I come to, doesn't change anything.

Other than my confusion, everything is going pretty good.

Michelle has gotten back in touch with me, but I ended up not calling her this week. I had originally planned to, and then I realized how condescending she was during our IM conversation.

The Waffler

You're not the most decisive person. You tend to be unsure what you want out of your attachments, and it's unlikely you've had more than mediocre relationships. Either that, or you've had some good relationships, and some bad relationships, and you're just between them at the moment. The point is that you don't know what you want. You vacillate between trust and mistrust, and between low and high self-esteem. You probably have a couple of good friends who support you and believe in you, but you tend not to let things get too heavy. You like to sit on fences.

I have re-reading the L.M. Montgomery books these past few months. I always enjoy going back and revisiting some of my old favorites, and there is one particular series that has always had a special meaning for me and it is that series which I have been reading this week. Ever since I was in fifth grade and discovered the book Emily of New Moon as well as it's two sequels, I haved loved those three books. And I have tried to be like the main character, just because I have the same name as her. That was why I started writing, althugh I had been making up stories for a few years before that.

Anyway, I'm currently reading the book Emily's Quest. And I just read the passage with the letter that she wrote from herself at fourteen to herself at twenty-four. There is an excerpt from that letter included in the scene where she read it on her twenty-fourth birthday. I wrote a letter modeled on that one, although I didn't find mine until this year. So, I read mine three years late. I had never realized, until after finding my letter and then reading her letter, just how stupid that idea was. I didn't think of that when I borrowed it.

I feel as discontented as she does in the book lately. Discontented and lonely. When I first read these books, I had something. I had my friends in the church youth group. I had a best friend at school, who I stayed friends with through eighth grade, even when we were in different schools. In middle school, I had Ben, and Ricky and Eric. I had the younger girls like Lexi that I would play with at after school care. In high school, even when I was so low that I was the person the lowest of the low picked on . . . I had friends at church, and in community theater. At St. Leo, there was the group. And after that, there was still Michelle.

There's something bitter about knowing that the only friends you have are co-workers that you only see socially once a month, and a sort-of friend that you only see once a week. I just feel so lonely sometimes. I miss having Michelle here to do things with. My coworkers are all older, even though I enjoy hanging out with them at ladies night. The friends I see on Thursday night are all younger than me. And I guess there's only one of them that I can really refer to as a friend.

I don't know, I just get so tired of this situation sometimes, and somehow that book made my discontent stronger, to remember how much I have changed since I first read it. At least I do believe that I can write now. I can write fanfiction stories on my own, without needed Michelle or another story consultant. Reading Fanfic Rants everyday has convinced me of that. I can't do worse than all the fanbrats they rant about. Of course, some part of me feels that I can't do any better either. But, since I don't plan to post what I write, and will merely write about it in my journal once in a while, I guess that doesn't matter.

And anyway, my primary fandom at the moment is one where they said it would be impossible to do worse than teh fanfiction that has already been written. If only I had a good source for story research.

I might be back in touch with Michelle for a while again. I sent her an e-mail a couple of days ago, asking if I could develop the world we were using in the fantasy story we were co-writing for some of my own stuff. That world did originally come from one that I created when I was in middle school, which is why I wanted to be free to continue working with it. Anyway, I got a reply from her this morning, and apparently she seems to want to continue our stories. And I do want them to be finished, even though I no longer think they're as good as I once did.

I wish I could say taht my getting back in touch with Michelle was just a coincidence brought about by my wanting to develop Aertha, but the truth is, part of it is brought about by dissatisfaction with my social life, or lack there of. I can't write down my fears about that, though, because it seems to silly to talk about still.

I just realized that I have probably made no sense in this entire entry, but it did help to get some it down on, well, I can't say on a paper, I so I guess I will have to settle for saying "in writing."