10 Breakup Warning Signs You Can't Ignore

Posted by Shorey Andrews on May 13, 2020

They say breaking up is hard to do, and they weren’t wrong. In many cases, it can take partners an extended period of time to part ways, and it’s usually the result of a few different factors. And although there isn’t a precise way to avoid getting your heart broken, there are some signs you can look for to determine if you should stay or go before more damage is done. We partnered with highly sought after couples’ therapist, Marlee Rubel, who has a bustling private practice in the city. As a registered psychotherapist, Marlee has become keenly aware of the behaviours between couples that make the difference between staying together or breaking apart.

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Distraction becomes withdrawal

There’s a fine line between distraction and withdrawal. Understanding the fundamental differences is essential to your communication style in a relationship. Rubel describes, “distraction is often a result of external factors, whereas withdrawing is often a result of internal factors. If your partner’s life has just been turned upside down at work or in their friend group, their faculties may be all caught up in those circumstances. They should be able to communicate to you and acknowledge the impact that being less accessible or present may be causing you. On the other hand, Rubel suggests, “withdrawal is often hard for people to name while it’s happening. If a partner is withdrawn, they might not know how to communicate what they are feeling or needing, or they may not have the emotional skillset to let you in on whatever they are shutting down from.”

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Communication breakdowns

Relationships thrive on open and positive communication, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we are all equipped to navigate it. Partners who are willing to learn the art of communication often succeed, and those who don’t will continue to face some struggles. “Open dialogue builds trust. This means taking the brave and often untaught path of speaking your needs vulnerably to one another and not swallowing your feelings down the way you may have been taught to by your family, gender socialization, or past unhealthy relationships.” Rubel explains. So if you and your partner can’t establish open communication, it may be time to consider letting go.

Emotional connection is missing

Couples may not be able to offer the same emotional connection and support on a consistent basis, but watch out for the major lulls in your connection. “Healthy, strong relationships can see emotional connection increase and decrease depending on partners’ life circumstances, stress levels, sexual interest and physical health. Communication is what keeps partners feeling safe despite the inevitable rollercoaster of feeling both together and apart over the course of your lives,” says Rubel. But don’t give up at the first sign of failure! Rubel encourages that “A great way to bridge these gaps if you’re new to direct and open communication is to let your partner know how and why you’d like to feel closer to them in any given moment.”

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Physical touch is missing

It’s easy to feel insecure if your partner is less affectionate with you physically, but if this happens, it’s important to address it to determine if it’s a larger problem. And how you approach this is essential. Rubel recommends, “Use “I” statements to limit your partner’s instinct to defend themself.” Some of her examples include: “‘I’ve been missing our usual morning snuggles’ as opposed to ‘You never snuggle me in the morning anymore’ or ‘I really look forward to our date nights, can we start that up again?’ as opposed to ‘Are you ever going to organize a date night?’” It can feel like a delicate balance, but Rubel suggests “ …sandwiching your concerns in statements that confirm compassion and connection with your partner.”

You can’t spot the problem

It may feel like your partner is slipping away, but acknowledging your own feelings and tendencies will help you better navigate the difference between overthinking vs. being able to spot a real problem. Rubel explains further, “Understanding your attachment style can be really helpful. Those of us who lean anxious tend to feel a low (or high) key threat to the connection at all times. This can cause us to ruminate over seemingly innocuous moments or comments. Those of us who lean avoidant tend to underthink things and not engage with thoughts that could potentially make us feel insecure about our relationships. If you know where you lean, you can learn the best way to take care of yourself.”

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Red flags become hard to ignore

There is a fine line between a red flag and a flaw. Understanding the difference between the two will allow you to remove yourself from the situation if need be. “What is considered a flaw for one person can be a hard and fast red flag for another. Self-knowledge and a willingness to be honest with yourself about your self-esteem are critical. Are you brushing off what your gut is telling you is a red flag because you’re afraid of being alone or unsure whether you’re deserving of a healthier relationship? This would be the first question I’d ask you. Often flaws can be accepted even if they cause annoyance, whereas red flags feel intolerable and tend to breach trust.” says Rubel.

You’re growing apart

It takes a lot of commitment to keep your relationship flourishing, but it’s possible that somewhere along the line, you will begin to change at a pace that’s faster (or slower) than your partner. Knowing the difference between growing apart and growing tired of each other will help you gain clarity. One is fixable if the couple is willing, while the other may become too complex to see it through. “Growing apart is a matter of what you want in life and in a partner changing — if these aspects of your relationship no longer align, it likely isn’t going to work out. Growing tired of a partner can happen when you still want the same things, but you want to remember (or be shown) the mystery of your partner again,” says Rubel.

Value misalignments you can’t fix

Values make up a belief system that, in many ways, determines how you live your life. When those values are not aligned with your partner, it could lead to trouble in paradise. “There are values and desires that, for some people, can’t be negotiated, such as an unwavering want for marriage, children, cultural commitments to live with and care for extended family, religion, or being in relationship with finances in a certain way. There are also values and desires that, for some people, can be adapted, compromised on, and negotiated, such as how much time is spent together and apart, division of household labour, or sexual interests or frequency. The key is braving these conversations early on enough to know what you’re committing to negotiating on if you pursue the relationship.” Rubel says. “Many folks don’t discuss their hard lines until they’ve already committed. This can put them in a position of negotiating parts of who they are that they don’t want to compromise on, and that can breed resentment over time.”

Your intuition told you so

There’s a lot to be said for our intuition. It’s like a subtle warning of both good and bad. Rubel explains how to navigate your intuition when it comes to your relationship “…we grow up with narratives of fairytale-informed, heteronormative and overly simplistic ideals about relationships and are then often shamed for having more complex feelings and needs as adults. Fine-tuning our ability to really listen to ourselves through all of that pressure and noise is an art form, and it takes time (and often therapy). If there are realms of your life (friends, work, school, family) where listening to your ‘gut’ has served you well, it’s worth putting the work in to understand why you don’t trust these feelings in your romantic relationships. It takes answering some tough questions and peeling back some deep layers to hear, and then taking the risk of trusting, what you actually want and need.”

You’ve become someone else

You may be in a partnership, but the most important relationship in your life should be the one you have with yourself. If you come to find that the person you’ve become in the relationships is no longer serving you, it may be time to leave. Consider this advice from Rubel “It’s important to take accountability for who you’ve become, as this can’t be your partner’s fault, even if you’ve had to build up certain defences or behaviours in response to them. If this is the case, it’s also your responsibility to decide whether you want to do the work of communicating what you need in order to feel at peace with yourself in the partnership, or whether you would prefer to respectfully exit in order to reconnect with a version of yourself that you feel proud of.”