Rubber wetsuits. Knee-high boots. Nuclear-powered clockwork cucumbers. Dressing up as Pingu whilst reading out loud from the works of Dan Brown. What floats your boat? Or what fetishes have you encountered? Suggestion via crackhouseceilidhband.

Kink, quirk, fetish, perversion – call it what you will. I have a weakness…a deep routed craving so despicable and foul that it cannot be mentioned in public without turning stomachs and subjecting myself to such ostracism and ridicule that the mere mention of it would make me an outcast from society, and no doubt put on some sort of register.

Are you ready? Brace yourself…

I like sex. I do. It’s nice. I was going to say ‘normal’ sex but after reading this QotW it is painfully apparent that I haven’t got a clunge-wobbling clue what ‘normal' is.

I just feel that if I am lucky enough to find a woman who will spend time with me – someone whom I respect, and find physically, intellectually and emotionally attractive, then that really gets my jizz juices jumping like nothing else. If that person is also prepared to share such a trusting and intimate act with me, then I consider that a right result. However, I definitely believe that this person should be loved, cherished, and treated like a Princess (I was going to say ‘Queen’ but then thought better of it – and when I say ‘treated like a Princess’ I don’t mean 'put in a Mercedes and driven into a wall at 100mph by a rat-arsed Frenchman')

Getting strung up by the man-berries and clubbed with an over-ripe haddock on the third Tuesday of every month does not get my mutton musket firing I’m afraid…but the mutually shared satisfaction of giving and receiving sexual pleasure from someone you care about and feel comfortable with?…that’s what busts my rocks off. Maybe even…(oh my god I can’t believe I’m admitting this)…a bit of…romance? Christ-on-a-skateboard I bet nobody’s admitted that yet.

It’s pretty ‘out there’ I know, but yes - I’ve bought women flowers – and not just on Valentines day or birthdays etc but…(chew the bile back, folks)…I’ve sometimes bought them flowers for no.fucking.reason. I’ve taken women out for meals and bought them presents. I don’t go batshit looney and spaff my entire salary on diamond bracelets every day or anything like that - and I’ve been fortunate enough to never have my generosity taken advantage of by a woman. I’ve also been able to quickly dispel doubts that my intentions are anything but honourable. Honourable! – For fuck’s sake what’s the matter with me?

I will try and cheer her up if she’s had a bad day. If she decides ‘not tonight’ then that’s perfectly fine…I’m not a fucking animal – my nads will not explode if they are not habitually emptied into the hair or questionable cavity of a willing participant every 4-and-a-half hours. I understand that women sometimes need their own space and time, but I also let them know I will be there for them if they need me. I don’t stalk, don’t abuse and don’t spend my 'me-time' rubbing my crotch up against their facebook page. However, I also seem to know how to pick 'em, and so have managed to not be taken for granted. I listen to what they have to say. I value their opinion and treat them as an equal, but still feel it is right to hold the door for them or help them unscrew jars etc. Am I beyond help?

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not some prudish, cardigan-buttoned-up-to-neck, songs-of-praise-loving wheelbarrow of wussiness. I’ve tried some things (mostly down to the request of the partner) that would make your eyelids do that ‘inside out’ thing – but it is my deep regret to admit that the vast majority of these acts left me feeling a bit…well…‘awkward’ – and they’ve never once made me produce a hot stream of splooge from my hog’s eye so girthy that it could be seen from the moon. I know a bit about biology and I think I know where my cock is best suited, and therefore have little or no desire to shove it in nostrils, armpits or the eye-socket of their pet Chihuahua.

I know, I know – I disgust you…and I’m sorry. You’d all be quite justified in throwing JMG or some other /talker at me like a justice-powered Honda Accord of mass destruction to debunk my attention-seeking lies and burn me at the sort of metaphorical stake usually only reserved for mega-cunts. I await the wrath I no doubt deserve. But I tell you what…you think this is easy? Try living my life for a day. ‘Coming out’ as a ‘gayer’? – pah! – Piece of piss, you guys don’t know what pressure is. It’s easier to admit that you’re a member of the cunting BN-bastard-P than to admit to your mates in the pub that you are a romantic and that you respect women.

Even now, I’m tempted to throw in a punchline like ‘Of course, they have to be under 4 years old’ or: ‘but I have to admit that their dismembered body parts taste yummy’ or some such shite but I can’t do it…sometimes you just have to stand up and admit your principles.

Good work, sir!
Reminds me of a class I took at Uni. I did Radical Feminist Maxism for a term. Though it might be a good way to pick up chicks... I was wrong, very, very wrong...
(SpankyHanky, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 10:13,
closed)

Yes, yes, we all have a caring sharing side
I too have asked a girl how her day was, I may not have listened to the answer, but I asked.
(Colonel DraculaTwo manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 10:32,
closed)

BAN THIS SICK FILTH!
Good God man! You've let the cat out of the bag - all those years of being a nice guy actually works. You've told everyone now.

Isn't it possible
to be both romantic and kinky? You can still love and respect someone and indulge in some rather depraved activities, so long as there's mutual consent and enjoyment.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 11:27,
closed)

I dunno...

It's the levels os depravity I suppose.

A harmless spank or a 'bit of the rough stuff' can be fun, but I'd find it difficult smacking a girl I loved in the mouth, whipping or strangling her to within an inch of her life.

If I cared that much and she was into that I'd be more inclined to get her help or therapy.
(Mr Twisty CheekyThe worst kept secret in B3ta..., Fri 23 Oct 2009, 12:29,
closed)

I think
that's where I draw the line with kinks, when it gets to the point that things are humiliating or show a fundamental lack of respect for the other person. But half the stuff in the QOTW hasn't been about that, it's just been about dressing up weird, and having sex in odd places.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:22,
closed)

...a hot stream of splooge from my hog’s eye so girthy that it could be seen from the moon
An expression that is completely full of WIN.
(all my scars face forwardpossesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Sat 24 Oct 2009, 16:53,
closed)