I’m not cool. I’d like to think I have moments of being cool, but then as soon as I realize I might seem cool I get nervous and pour coffee all over the place or say something uncool like, “howdy.”

Being cool has been hard for me to wrap my head around. I want to ask cool people about how they do it. Like how can you look cool on the bus? Just hanging out listening to music on your cell phone super loud and wearing Garfield PJ’s in public. If I did that someone would call the cops. Yet somehow this one guy on the bus totally owns it and he’s cool. Cool fashion always freaks me out. I have been considering getting a faux-hawk for almost 8 years now. When I think about bow-ties and mustaches I basically fall apart. How can you do it? Like seriously. It’s impossible. Yet somehow, some people – you know who you are – totally cool.

What about hats? I saw a guy wearing a hat the other day that completely blew my mind. It looked like Heisenberg’s hat from Breaking Bad, but with an outfit of pure matching denim. I had worn my special new socks to work that day. They are red and striped, pretty loud by my standards. My 3 year old had picked them out at Target and it took me three weeks to find the courage to debut them. I finally did and was feeling good. Then I see this guy with his totally awesome hat and all of a sudden I’m ruined. My socks literally shrank when they saw his hat. I’m not even sure the guy was wearing socks. He was so cool he could wear a hat but not fucking socks. Amazing. I went home that night and ate 3 back-to-back bacon grilled cheeses. Not cool.

When Justin Timberlake wore a blazer and hoodie around the release of Justified, I thought, “yes, I can do this!” Then a decade later I’m wearing a hoodie and a blazer, feeling like I’m bringing sexy back – totally cool – and I stumble upon this new vagina shirt everyone is wearing. Immediately I think, “holy shit, now I have to wear a vagina shirt.” How does this work? Like I’ll be mowing my lawn and my neighbor walks out and I’ll say, “hey Tony, did you see my new vagina shirt?” And he’ll just shrug and say, “dude, be cool.”

It’s not cool to write this or even talk about it, but the funny thing about being cool – like truly cool – is you shouldn’t give a shit. It isn’t like you should act like you don’t give a shit but you really need to not give a shit. If you are pretending that you don’t give a shit. Then totally uncool. If you truly don’t give a shit. Then totally cool. But for me I will always give a shit and I wonder if that’s cool but then I get confused and start asking about it. Totally not cool. I think my point is, don’t worry about it. Just be cool.