When we have sex now I constantly think of them doing the same
intimate things and wondering what sort of a lover he was and what sort of
things they did together. Then, I lose my stiffness.

My wife knows of what I am going through and is very supportive
but I cannot seem to control these thoughts.

I really fear for my sanity sometimes and wonder where it will
lead.

I have been to see a psychosexual counsellor but the advice
given would have worsened the situation.

Why, when we seem to be so happy, do these destructive thoughts
constantly haunt me?

Answer

David writes:

What, I wonder, was wrong with the counsellor’s advice? You
don't say. Are you sure that the advice given would have worsened the
situation? That is very surprising.

As things haven't worked out with this counsellor, you should
certainly see another one, with your wife.

I feel that this point is really important. The Kent branch of
Relate would help you
to find one.

I must congratulate you on your initial attempt to mend your
marriage. It does you great credit that you managed to achieve that 'second
honeymoon' situation.

However, it is very difficult for a spouse to get dreadful
images of infidelity out of his/her mind. Frankly, it may take you years of
counselling or therapy to banish these disturbing mental pictures.

Christine adds:

First of all, I would say that you might feel better if you
sorted the
erectile dysfunction
on a practical level.

I don't think you would qualify on the NHS for
Viagra or
Cialis or
Levitra – which
are the three main drugs for ED.

Your GP would probably be happy to give you a private
prescription – and if you were able to make love more confidently, then the
chances are that you would begin to feel better emotionally.

However, I should stress that these drugs do not increase
desire. They only aid performance when desire is present but when physical
problems intervene, or when a man is anxious or upset for some
reason.

But it doesn't sound as if you have lost your desire. Rather
that your penis is going on strike in response to your thoughts.

As I say, if you could sort this by using some temporary
medication, you might feel happier.

The other things I would say is that there is a branch of
psychotherapy which is particularly good at helping people with negative
thoughts and images. And that is cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT).

In recent years, CBT has become much more available on the NHS,
so it would be worth talking to your GP about referring you for this.

But if this doesn’t work, or you’d prefer to go private – then
getting about 6 1 12 session of CBT from a private therapist could really help
you.

I don't know if your finances will stretch to this, but average
costs for an experienced therapist would probably be around £80 per hour if
they work from home, more if they are in a clinic, and usually more if they are
medical doctors as well as psychotherapists.

Prices in Harley Street, or other central London addresses,
would probably be more again – possibly something over £100 per hour.

But one of the great things about CBT is that progress is
usually swift and treatment is generally a short-term thing.

I hope this information will help and that you and your wife
will overcome your present difficulties.

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