Confessions of a SoFla Stepmom

Why going shopping is the WORST

Lets start this off with the fact that I said going shopping is the worst, not shopping itself. There is a clear difference and my loving husband and coworkers can attest that I can shop with the best of them…online. Amazon Prime is the best shit since sliced bread as far as I am concerned. Wait 7-10 days for an item to arrive? NOPE. Filter that shit out on Amazon and find someone who has it right meow! Also note that I LOVE going to the grocery store, its like my happy place. Much of a happier place when I could have Tervis full of the good shit doing my thing solo, but I digress. Lets break down why going shopping blows big ones, shall we?!

People are fucking idiots. This time I’m talking those of the adult kind. Like oh hey let me park my semi sized cart (yes, you know the one I am talking about- the 2 seater kids racecar bullshit I have only made the mistake of giving into ONCE) in the middle of the aisle where I’m not buying shit and chat with a neighbor while there are 10 other people trying to man their metal cart of shit around me. Sounds legit, right? Or how about when you are in a small section of clothing and someone is allllll up in your space about 2 hangers away sifting through the exact same rack at the same damn time? That is when we play a game of catch my elbow to your torso if you don’t give me the 30 damn seconds I need to find my size :) Oops, sorry! Then there are the adults that wander around like my 8 year old SD. These are the ones pushing carts on the wrong side, walking 3 adults deep HORIZONTALLY and not moving to let you pass by or mind fucked into their phone so hard I’m not sure what they are even doing there. Y’all need to stay at WalMart, mmmk?!

Kids. I get it, you have to take them places but can we please have some damn ground rules? How about if it fits, it sits…in the damn cart. Little Charlie will be much better off crushing that cookie in the comfort of the shopping cart. Instead we deal with kids touching everything, cart wheeling through aisles, hiding in racks of clothes (I am not trying to be tagged as “it” while sifting through Nike Pro’s, alright?!) and acting as tiny human speed bumps. Also, how about if they are IDK 10 or 12 like this one a-hole I saw, straight up riding in the cart ice luge style on the bottom rack we say that’s probably not a good idea?! Not my prob if he gets his foot checked by the next passer by but jeezuz people, come on!

Trying things on. 90% of the time I refuse. Just think about what you’re doing- sticking your stank ass into what someone else just did the same to ten minutes before? Ever hear of people trying on undies?! YEAH, THAT IS A THING. Order those bitches online and they arrive sealed in individual bags. File that one under #ProTip, you’re welcome. Bathing suits? No chance! That sticker isn’t protecting your goodies from somebody else’s gross lady bits for one second! Again…order online and return/exchange if you have to.

Electric carts. If I had to guess I’d say about 80% or more of the people using those things are not physically impaired enough to need them. Normally they are What’s Eating Gilbert Grape giant, old AF, lazy or a trifecta. Or drunk idiots like my brother (RIP)… SMDH. Anyways, these things are huge, loud and the drivers are the same. Cut the shit and walk it out if you can, your ‘beetus thanks you.

The list could go on and on really. I will stick to tracking 14 packages a week and playing whats in the box at work so long as I can dodge shopping as much as possible! Y’all can have those thrilling trips to the mall, LMK when you’re exiting so I can meet you for an adult beverage!