April 24, 2013

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Chris M.

This is a fairly embarrassing entry to write, because I know that Zach the Boyfriend reads my Rookie diary. I don’t usually have a problem with that at all, but this one is kind of about him, and though we’ve talked about what will be the content of this entry, I’m worried that he thinks I’m writing about this as a passive-aggressive way to let him know I’m sadder or angrier than I let on with him. (Hi, Zach. I’m not sad or angry.)

He and I have never had a fight. We have nothing to fight about, and I think we both respect each other, and each other’s opinions, a lot. But something has changed recently and I don’t know what.

He hasn’t been talking to me much. He often doesn’t respond to my texts or pick up his phone, and we haven’t hung out one on one at all since I left the hospital.
I’m not criticizing him, and like I said I’m not mad. But I am worried. I’m worried for him and for us.

I asked a couple of my friends if he was mad at me or avoiding me on purpose, and they didn’t know. Eventually he told one of them that it’s really hard for him to talk to me right now, but he doesn’t know why. Not wanting to seem pushy, I texted him about it instead of bringing it up in person. He said he felt really nervous and didn’t know what to say to me. He said it was his problem and not mine.

The first time we hung out since I was released, we were with a group of friends and he avoided me for most of the night. He apologized afterwards, and seemed genuinely sorry.

I’m scared to call him or hug him or sit near him. I don’t want to push him away. I’m always worried about my clinginess driving away anyone I get emotionally attached to, and this time the fear is worse because it has a basis in reality. Zach and I haven’t known each other for more than a few months, but he immediately became a very important part of my life. He makes me happier than almost anyone, and calling him every day was the only way I got through my time in the hospital without going totally batshit.

I miss him, and it sucks. I write him a letter every day about how my life is, and how I feel about him and what’s going on with us. In these letters I ask all the questions I wish I could ask him directly. Then I throw them away.

I told him once that I cared about him more than I care about our relationship. I told him that I want him to be happy and that if I’m making him unhappy, we could break up, and that that would be OK. I meant all of that. We didn’t break up, and I was glad about that, but I also worried all that night that he was staying with me solely out of a feeling of obligation or guilt or something. In the letter I wrote today, I told him that if he wants to break up, I won’t pressure him to stay friends, and I won’t be upset at him, and we can tell people it was mutual.

I’ve never been so passive in my life. I’ve never cared about a non-family person more than this. I don’t know what’s come over me.

I want to know what it is that has made me so hard to talk to, and how I can fix it. I want to know what it means that I care so much about this person. I want him to know that he makes me happy by just existing, and that I miss him. ♦

britney, there is not a lot you can do when someone is seriously depressed, especially if you don’t see each other offline. i know very well how guilty you can feel when somebody is suicidal and you have no idea how to help, but it’s not your fault. i know it’s a cliche, but as long as you showed zoey your love, she probably knew how much you cared for her. lots of love to you. grieving is painful <3

Oh gosh Britney I’m so sorry. But I want you to know that none of it was your fault, and you were probably one of the best things that happened to your friend. You showed her love and care which maybe she wasn’t getting elsewhere, or from herself. Grieving hurts, and don’t put on a happy mask just because you feel like you have to okay? Don’t bottle up your emotions. If you need someone to talk to I can give you my email or something, okay? Stay strong girly.

Naomi! I feel you SO much. I keep finding myself in my tutorials just counting the minutes occupied by boys talking (mostly) non sense and looking at the other women be silent. The very few men in any of my classes take up so much space, and when I try to do something about I just feel insane for all the pressure.

Naomi, I love your entry so much! I don’t think there is any way to be perfect to everyone. You just have to find the people who respect you and respect your differences. A lot of people always think I’m weird because I have very ”girly” interests, but I also am really into my religion, politics, haute couture fashion, and TV shows from the 70’s. I don’t fit into any grouping, so I am like the epitomy of ”imperfect” by societal standards. It would be so easy to not be selfish and be nice to everyone if everyone would be nice to us!
I love how male politicians can yell and scream at a UN meeting, but if a teenage girl has an opinion on what’s happening in the world she’s narcissistic.

Britney I’m so sorry. My friend killed herself three years ago when she was twelve and I was fourteen and every day is hard. I have dreams that I call her house and stop her but then I wake up and everything’s the same. I know how it feels to have so many questions but zero answers. You’ll be on my mind tonight.

I also have similar problems containing my passion and anger. Because I am opinionated and passionate about politics and social justice, people label me as crazy. To dismiss me, they label me a super liberal or a feminazi. Sometimes I wonder if they are right, that I go over the top and should chill out more. I want to make change someday, and to do that I need support from people, which I won’t have if they find me crazy.

Britney, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Last year, one of my best friends passed away and it just left me feeling very hollow and scared and worried and awkward and sad. I wish I could tell you that the sadness goes away, and it does sometimes, but I hope you find your own way of coping with what has happened. Something that helped me was realizing how lucky I was to have met my friend and shared good memories with her. I really am sorry and I’m sending you lots of love. <3

chris…your post, it was really beautiful. I don’t even know what to say because nothing can really express how I feel about this. and know that you can get past this and you guys will be okay and you’ll fix it together ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Chris –
You probably won’t read this, but I figured I might as well give it a shot.
I think you’re brilliant, you write with real immediacy of feeling and you’re so honest. I don’t want to come across as creepily obsessed, because I’m not, I just relate with so much of what you say and I appreciate how well you say it, I suppose.
I think you’re one of my favourite “unknown but known of” people in the world.
Good luck with everything.

Wow. Naomi’s post hit really close to home. It reminds me so much of this awful, inescapable feeling that I’ve been dealing with for the past year or so – I can’t tell if it’s just hatred and frustration in the way that women and stereotypically viewed and treated in society, or if I am transgender. I have always been physically attracted to guys, but it’s gotten to the point where I don’t think I could be in a relationship with one because all I would be thinking about the whole time is how much I want to BE him. I don’t enjoy any stereotypically feminine activities. I just want to cut off all my hair, not wear a bra, take off my shirt when I swim or exercise, and be treated like a boy. I’m a minimalist and it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even want to own hair ties. It sounds so stupid, and I know I could do all these things and not be a boy. Society’s constructs of the female and male norms are pressing down all around me, and I feel like if I were to become a boy, I would somehow be “taking the easy way out”, because I am a privileged white girl who doesn’t get bullied and leads a fairly easy life, compared to most. I should feel lucky to be alive, and maybe I shouldn’t indulge in thinking about this. I just feel so miserable being a girl. I don’t know, sorry for rambling.

Hi PBL! I just read your comment and felt compelled to respond. I think what you are feeling and going through is completely normal, so know that you are not alone. Figuring out your identity is a really hard thing to do! I personally went through many phases, especially in high school, in an effort to understand who I am. My only advice would be to explore. Why not get a short haircut this summer and see how it makes you feel? Bind your chest with bandages one day and see if you are more comfortable. These things are not permanent and are easy to undo, but by experimenting, you will be facing your questions head-on. You may feel better and more “at home” in your own body than ever before. Or you may realize that this approach doesn’t seem like the right fit either and need to keep exploring. Just don’t give up or dismiss yourself as a “privileged white girl.” When it comes to your body, you are entitled to think and feel whatever you want about it. Oh, and I also recommend you check out an author named Riki Wilchins. She deals a lot with topics of gender and sexuality, specifically within the scope of feminism. Good luck! <3

Congrats, Katherine! I was also accepted as a transfer on Friday to an awesome school! As disappointing as it is that I invested so much energy trying to like it at my current school, it isn’t a tragedy that it didn’t work out. In fact, I feel so fortunate to have the opportunity to try something different. Nothing is written in stone. What a great feeling. I am so excited, and I can tell you are too. Things are looking up :)

Naomi! That was brilliant! I’ve always loved Sylvia Plath even though it’s kind of cliche to do so and whenever I try to discuss her work people dismiss her as a depressed psycho. I think she’s a genius, and I totally agree that there is just way too much pressure placed on females (on humans as a whole, even) to adhere to standards that are just impossible to meet.

Britney,
okay so I have two things to say:
First of all, I’m really sorry that this had to happen..especially since you two were close
Second of all, I feel you so much right now! something really similar happened to me this week- and with an online friend too..
I don’t really know what to say since I’m in a similar situation right now so I’ll feel really hypocritical if I give you any advice that I’m not following myself but here it goes..
Try to realize that what happened is not your fault in any way. since you didn’t know what she was thinking of doing, there probably wasn’t much you could do about it, even if it seems that way now. it’s just good that you were someone she could talk to and relate to. So, no you’re not narcissistic for not having stopped her suicide- you’re actually even less narcissistic for feeling guilty even though there wasn’t much you could do. I hope you feel better soon! (and sorry for the excessively long, probably not-helpful-in-any-way comment!)

Chris – I’ve been living with my chronically depressed boyfriend whom I love very very much for the past nine years, since we were teenagers in fact.
He usually has a bubbly loving personality but will sometimes go cold and unresponsive and I miss him so much (even though we see each other every day).
Sometimes you just have to take a step back and let them sort themselves out… it’s hard but all you can do is be supportive and patient.
Stay strong ♥

Naomi, I loved your entry. I am also constantly trying to find balance between the characteristics you listed in the first paragraph (even though it’s a little silly to do so). You are so right about Sylvia and The Bell Jar and standing up for yourself. Don’t give up. You’re awesome.

Chris, reading your entry was eerie for me. My ex-boyfriend’s name is Zach, spelled exactly the same way. He and I dated for a long time (over a year) and I felt (well, I still feel) similarly about him as you seem to about your boyfriend––he made me happier than anyone else ever has. Anyway, we broke up last month because I was severely depressed for the first three months of this year. He fell out of love with the person I was when I was sad. I am not saying this is going to happen to you; it sounds like you two will be able to work something out, and you’re very brave and loving to be willing to take a break from him if necessary. Just know that it isn’t your fault that you’re struggling mentally and emotionally right now. You’re young. He’s young. I’m young. It’s hard to know what to do about such intense and complex emotional situations. Taking a break might be healthy. It’ll hurt, and you’ll miss him, but you might be able to work it out someday. (I’m only saying this in case it ever happens! I don’t think your situation will be exactly like mine whatsoever. This is for future comfort if needed.) You are awesome, and you will heal with or without him. Keep loving him and everything will be fine. :)

Oh Britney, that is the hardest thing ever.
One of my internet friends was suicidal when i was about, what 13? or so. I grew up a lot during that time and every morning i was afraid of seeing a status on her fb page or getting a message from her mother but i didn’t thank god for that.

The worst thing was that when I told to an irl friend about how i was worried about her all i got was a “meh.” Like, when she took an overdose and passed out for a few hours i called to her several times before calling to my friends who just said something about not having to worry bc “she’s your internet friend. not a real friend.” it made me feel even worse. So yes, i understand how you feel when your mother wants you to smile.

You must smile some day tho. Don’t let her turn to a memory too fast, but don’t let her turn to a ghost either. Everything gets better by time.
Hugs, kisses and chocolate for you.

These diaries are so well-written, they make me a better person because I’m able to be more compassionate, especially when I have never experienced the same things. Thanks Rookie.
Naomi, I’m reading A Room Of One’s Own at the moment and Virginia <3 talks about how men need to make women inferior so they can keep up their own self confidence. I don't explain it well but reading it really helped me in thinking about men/people from a new perspective (try Anais Nin <3 for this too). If you haven't already I totally suggest checking it out (it's short).
And remember that other women feel exactly the same! I used to be super quiet in classes too but always admired the one girl who would speak out and get into arguments. You never know, you might be helping another girl in your class to find her voice…
Ps. love you all, slow down, take it all in, i wish there was more than 4/5 diarists

Katherine, I loved your entry, most especially the bit about the Matrix. Congrats!

Chris… it’s not the same, but I told one of closest friends, the first friend I had told without them first noticing and asking, that I self-harm, and she avoided talking to me more than politely for two weeks, even in my six person dance class. She recently let me know that it was a huge blow to her system, she didn’t know how to respond, felt she lost me when I told her. I really hope that Zach finds the strength to talk it through with you. Who you are is beautiful.

Naomi’s entry was amazing… I had to print it out and tack the first bit on my wall. It’s like this perfect echo of how I’ve been feeling lately and reading this it was just like “I’m not the only one!” And I love Sylvia Plath, she’s so amazing….

Yep. Never ceases to totally amaze me when I see how entitled the boys in class seem to feel when discussing their opinions, their heroes, this canon of writing which is totally male-centric.

They seem to completely buy into some thought that all of this writing coming out of one socio-perspective could be completely multi-faceted and omnirelevant. It isn’t. How could it be. How is this not even questioned by them?

Also amazes me how comfortable and confident they feel when speaking out their opinions. I’d give my right one to be half as comfortable in my own skin.