Saturday, August 30, 2014

I had a good day today. Actually, since I was released from prison early on Friday I've been having a really fucking good couple of days. I mean there have been a few things happening that aren't great...but in the scheme of things I didn't hate my life for a hot minute. Oh don't worry ya'all, this isn't about to get all positive and warm and fuzzy. We're not going to have an Oprah moment and hold hands and thank some dude named Jesus for all of the great things in our lives. Reality donkey punched me. And then anally fucked me with no warning, and definitely used no lube. Not even a little spit on the hand. Let's start from the beginning.

I jumped back into dating almost immediately after my last break-up. It seemed like a good idea at the time since I'd been over the dude for a month or more and judge me if you want but I'm at my best when I'm being consistently penetrated. I don't require love, just a heavy rotation of naked wrestling. The kind of wrestling where I really don't have to do a lot if I don't want. That's my jam.

Anyway, I met a dude and we started hanging out. He was funny, attentive, family-oriented and we liked the same music, art, both had some style and all of that. I don't know why it happens but I usually end up dating people I have nothing in common with besides drinking or having genitalia that fit together. It was cool to hang out with someone that played music I was super into and had style that I could appreciate. But after a few weeks I had to admit that I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to be someone's date to their family member's wedding and meet the parents and help babysit the nephews and nieces and double-date with the best friend and his girlfriend of 5 years. I didn't have it in me to try to impress anyone and be someone's everything or even something. Yeah, I get it, I'm a fucking asshole. So I told dude I wasn't into it, I was sorry, he was great and he'll find someone else blah blah mother fucking blah.

He tried to convince me I was wrong and did what we always wish a guy would do and kept texting me and calling me and trying to remind me that he was still there and into me. I ignored all of his attempts and eventually even deleted his number and blocked him so I wouldn't have a drunken moment of weakness and show up at his house pretending I just really needed to pee and then let him put it in my ear because that doesn't count. After months, he finally gave up. The power of the pussy is real folks. No fucking joke.

I guess I didn't think he would ever think about me again. Apparently he does. Or he drank a lot of whiskey and aimed all of his anger at the bitch that wouldn't love him. I got a text from him tonight saying the following:

"i still think about you and i fucking hate you because your not even that great and you only brought the cheap whiskey over and you had to leave early because you work stupid times and the only good thing about you was your ass and i hope all the fucks you meet leave you because thats what you want to happen"

The grammar is atrocious. Seriously. Siri must hate you because she ALWAYS makes sure my "I"s are capitalized.

But real talk, what the fuck do you even say to something like this? The fact that it came from a different number and I still knew exactly who it was, was like being punched in the cervix. I'm honestly not out here trying to ruin people's lives. I've had my heart stomped on to where I thought I was going to die and there was no way my body could survive without any of my internal organs working. Obviously, since corpses aren't as witty as I am, I survived. And I've never felt the need to unleash on someone months later. Yeah I might bash my exes a little in my blogs, but I consider them more like meningitis that could have killed me but I survived it and I even still have enough liver usage to continue my heavy drinking. No permanent damage here!

I guess it makes me realize that people pleasing doesn't get you anywhere. If I had been completely honest with myself I would have never hung out with someone I knew was looking to wife up when I was only looking for someone to distract me from the things I hated in my life. And maybe I should stop assuming that I'm forgettable and people won't even notice if I phantom and disappear. I haven't gone B. Spears circa umbrella vs. van crazy and assume that everyone loves me and wants to put a ring on it. But I guess I need to use my vagina instead of my heart and let people know when I'm not feeling it. Or restraining orders, that could be a good tactic too.

Now I'm going to drink a box of wine and try to think of something to say to this kid so he doesn't hate women forever and anger bang some hookers outside of a Denny's at 6 a.m.

Monday, August 18, 2014

You'll be very happy to hear that yesterday I had the worst date ever. I should've just given up when I was not that far behind and married the date rapist. But no, because I am a fucking masochist.

So I sent this bearded, Viking looking creature a message on okcupid about a month ago. The message only mocked his dislike of Mexican food and unkempt face bush. It should have been a red flag that he thought my insults were charming and admitted he was excited that I had messaged him. Clearly he didn't read my profile thoroughly enough to identify the daddy issues that require men to withhold all of their emotions so I lose my fucking mind trying to make them love me. What an amateur.

Anyway, after hours of text harassing that I found somewhat entertaining, I thought what the hell and asked him if he wanted to hang out. Plans were made to go to a little brewery so even if we hated each other at least I could shove my feelings into a pitcher of delicious craft beer. Below are exact quotes from this dude and my reactions. I hope you have booze and snacks y'all because shit is about to get REAL!

1. "I hate my mother."

In my head I heard, "I hate my mother so I'll eventually hate you when you're old and remind me of her." I get not everyone loves their parents. But maybe reveal your Menendez brother fantasies when I'm on beer three. Maybe even beer 7 so I won't remember a word you said and therefore cannot testify against your psycho ass in court.

2. "Here is a picture of the last girl I took on a date. I think she's a lesbian."

Who the fuck does that!? I don't need to know that I'm way more attractive than the last girl you tried to penetrate. I already knew I was. And now you just forced me to pretend that I'm not disgusted by this face you shoved in my face. Sunday is not my day for pretend. Give me a fucking break. Also yes, she is a lesbian.

3. "My sister is a bitch. I live with her."

Cool. That rules out boning at your house because I don't need your sister judging me and trying to blame pubes in the tub on me because bitch I don't have those! (Thanks Raj!)

4. "My best friend is obsessed with me and tries to fuck me all the time. Look at all the texts she's sending me right now."

It was at this point that I just chugged my beer and hoped my heart would explode. I don't even want to fuck the Viking but suddenly, because this skank is all up in my business, I feel like I should pee on the dude or something. If some dude is obsessed with me and trying to penetrate me constantly, I'm tired. I'm locking that shit down and doing yoga pants and beers in bed. WHY ARE YOU HERE!?!

5. "I've turned down sex from a lot of drunk girls."

Then proceeded to tell me about each and every one of them while I tried not to barf in my beer. Drunk girls trying to get laid, those are my people. How dare you mock them. Also I have a hard time buying this, show me the fucking receipts.

6. "I'm already drunk."

After 1.5 beers. There are no words.

7. "I always bubble wrap so I don't get AIDS."

AIDS might not get you but a Yaris driven by a crazy blonde bitch might run right through your god damn bubble wrap.

8. "Gay men want to fuck me. They like my eyebrows."

Apparently I was on a date with the guy everyone wants to get plowed by. Good to know.

9. "I don't play video games. I play board games. All the time."

Oh, well that's way better! Get me a fucking gun.

And then the final gem that really got my downstairs damp...

10. "I dated a married woman for four years. It really fucked me up."

So now we're both rolling up with a uhaul full of mommy, daddy, drunk girls, married women issues? Aw hell no. There's only room for one disaster in a relationship and that title remains mine. ALWAYS.

Moral of the story is, shut the fuck up. No one wants to hear everything about you on a first date. You talked your way right out of a parking lot HJ. Congrats and give your penis my condolences.

But guess who reactivated their okcupid account? Let the next shitshow begin!