Friday, September 30, 2016

Kaelah's Corner (Sep 2016): You, Me And Them

Several of my recent posts are about the Spanking Gerichtshof (spanking court) event which Ludwig and I visited last autumn. The third part of the series covered our duties as bailiffs and several of the scenes we were involved into during the event. The final post about the event telling you more about my job as a judge will be published in October. Today I don't want to talk about what exactly happened during the event, though, but about what's generally important in my view when a couple like Ludwig and I wants to play with fellow kinksters at a spanking party.

As our long-time readers will remember, it was Ludwig who had already played with others when we became a couple more than seven years ago. I was both a spanking and a love relationship newbie and the thought that Ludwig wanted to act out his spanking fantasies with someone else than me scared me. It gave me the feeling that I wasn't (good) enough for him.

Fortunately the only kinky endeavour that was really important to Ludwig at that time (beside our own play, of course) was participating in spanking videos, not private play with others. So we decided that we wouldn't do any scenes with fellow kinksters at parties or private events, but I accepted Ludwig's film-making. I even joined him in order not to feel left out and started to enjoy making videos.

As time went by, I became more self-confident and more open to the idea of playing with others. For instance, we had a few little scenes at the Shadow Lane Party 2011. Still, private play with others was rare and we didn't do any bigger or more elaborate role-play scenes with others.

Then in 2013 we went to our first German spanking party with our reader and friend Fenris. He was new to spanking at the time and it was clear that he would enjoy being introduced to a more intense spanking session and the cane by Ludwig and me. Fenris of course didn't push us, since he knew that we rarely played with others. This time, though, Ludwig and I decided that we wanted to play with Fenris at the party. We already knew Fenris for quite a while and felt honoured that he trusted us enough to ask us for his first real spanking experience. The session was playful, light-hearted and fun – you can read all about it here if you like.

But there were feelings of insecurity between Ludwig and me afterwards. The reason was that, unfortunately, right at that time in the summer of 2013 we were facing several challenges outside and also within our relationship, and my commitment phobia suddenly came up. So all of a sudden the idea of playing with others started to feel threatening again, this time not only for me but for Ludwig as well. Thus we decided not to play with others anymore until our relationship was stable again.

That time had come last autumn. And so we decided to participate in the spanking court event as bailiffs and with me as a judge, too, which meant more and also more elaborate play with fellow kinksters than ever before at a party. Of course Ludwig and I were a bit nervous. Not only because we weren't sure about our role-playing skills but also because it was the first time in two years that we played with other people and we hoped that it wouldn't feel like a threat to our relationship.

We talked about the upcoming scenes before we went to the party. Most of them didn't seem to be problematic – whipping or caning someone who is tied to a whipping bench in front of an audience isn't a very intimate form of play. The cavity search that was supposed to take place as well was too intimate for my taste, anyway, so I wanted another bailiff to take care of it. Ludwig didn't have to ask himself the question whether he would have been fine with me actively participating in such a scene. The only question mark was about an OTK spanking which I was possibly supposed to dish out. Ludwig wasn't generally opposed to me doing that scene and I told him that I would decide after I had met my potential "victim" in person - and of course we could talk about Ludwig's feelings as well then before I would do the scene.

As I already wrote in the third part of my series about the event, I decided that I felt comfortable with doing the OTK scene and I also spontaneously got to watch the cavity search and even participate a bit by telling the culprit to strip naked. Ludwig and I were so busy with our multiple tasks at the event and the second scene developed so unexpectedly and quickly that I didn't get to ask Ludwig about his thoughts before acting, though. I simply trusted my gut feeling about what was okay for me and what would or wouldn't be okay for Ludwig. Ludwig did the same during his scenes.

Our gut feeling was correct and the event didn't cause any irritation or insecurities on Ludwig's or my behalf. We later also had a little private scene with Fenris and that was fun, too.

The experiences Ludwig and I have made with spanking play with others during our relationship make me believe that an already well-developed and stable relationship is very important for couples who want to play with others, though. Because during a spanking scene (especially a role-playing scene) unexpected things can come up. Of course calling for a halt and first discussing the situation with one's partner is possible then, but breaking up a scene is not what one wants to do unless it is absolutely necessary.

So I think it is important to talk about several general parameters beforehand. For instance, what does spanking another person mean to each partner, which fears and insecurities do exist and what are at least the very basic goes and no-goes when it comes to spanking play with others. In addition to that I think that it is a very bad idea to play with others at times when a love relationship is facing challenges. Because it bears a risk of using the play with others to run away from the relationship problems instead of solving them. And playing with others can suddenly feel threatening for one or both partners because those scenes will usually be easier and more relaxed than scenes which only involve the two partners since they are free from the acute relationship problems.

I am very happy that Ludwig and I have always talked so very openly about our feelings and made the decision to only participate in private play with others when it feels right for both of us. And I am glad that we never used the option to play with others in order to run away from the challenges we had to face in our relationship. Right now, spanking doesn't play a huge role in our life, but it is great to know that acting out more elaborate scenes with a bigger group of people can be a very light-hearted fun that is no threat at all to our deep, stable relationship anymore.

What about you? Have you made any experiences with playing with other people, for instance at a spanking party or event, while being in a love relationship? Are there any things you think a couple should take care about if they want to play with others (for the very first time)? I look forward to reading about your experiences and thoughts in the comment section!

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