“Whole Bean? Is that like Whole Grain or something?”

A few months ago, my friend came to visit, and while he was here, we established two things.

A. He likes his phone.

B. He really, really fucking likes that phone.

While this normally wouldn’t bother me, his talking (see: screaming) to a random girl for hours on end did. Not to mention her screaming back. I could literally hear everything either of them said, so to avoid it, I suggested going out for a bite with the idea that if he was eating, he couldn’t use the fucking phone. Unbeknownced to me, that did not include standing in line. No, for that, he needed the speakerphone.

Friend: “Should I, uh, get the whole bean burrito, or the chicken?”

Now, if your friend called someone else to make menu decisions, wouldn’t you stop listening? I tried, but then, something golden happened.

Girl: “Wha? Whole Grain?”
Friend: “NO. I fucking said Whole Bean.”

Done. I’m staying for this.

“You mean Whole Grain.”
“NO.AGAIN. I said WHOLE BEAN.”
“Whole Bean? Is that like Whole Grain or something?”

Here is where he sets the phone down, looks around, puts the receiver to his mouth and says:

“JESUS CHRIST. I SAID WHOLE FUCKING BEAN. WHOLE.BEAN.”

At this point, there wasn’t anyone who wasn’t invested in this little exchange. Cooks, servers, waitresses. Everyone. And then it happened. Something I will never forget.

Girl: “So, uh…is that like the healthy option or something?”

I swear I have never seen anyone smash a phone into a counter faster in my life.