About Me

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Holidays Getting Close

Finally getting the husband to get the house ready for the holidays. Now that the kids are here, he has no real excuse for not decorating.

I'm in a much more festive mood than in the last couple of years. Of course that isn't saying much.

Year before last, I was just getting out of the hospital and didn't feel like doing anything.

Last year, I'd lost 2 jobs in a month and besides being broke, I was depressed. Not just sad, but soul-crushingly depressed. I was practically suicidal. I had no desire to celebrate anything and just wanted to hide away and die.

This year, I'm relatively calm and not desperately un-happy though I've had enough hospitalizations this year to choke an elephant. Two heart attacks (at least) as well as unstable angina and Bell's Palsey, have really taken the wind out of my sails.

But we have the kids here this year and it's not fair to them, or, actually, to my lovely husband for me to sit around and mope. I'm going to try to make the best of it and pretend to be happy for them.

But I don't think I will ever be truly happy again. My spirit is broken and I've lost hope. I'm dying and it won't be too terribly far away. Though I don't think I really fear death, I don't want to leave my husband and my sweet pups. The kids will be fine; they have a mother. I'm just the wicked stepmother.

But my dogs have no one but me to advocate for them. My husband says they're out of here if anything happens to me 'cause he can't take care of them alone. I can't stand the thought of them being taken to a pound. They should be loved and cared for the rest of their lives. They're the only ones I feel really need me. Everyone else will be fine, if not better off, without me.

Ah well, it's no fun talking about such things during the holiday season. I think my New Year's resolution for 2010 will be to have a more positive attitude.