One Reader’s Lucky Day: KSK Fantasy Football and Sex Advice Mailbag

Welcome one and all to another illuminating edition of the KSK Fantasy Football and Sex Advice Mailbag. This week we advise our readers on joy of implants and the proper way to get in the pants of an honest-to-god churchgoer. Plus, it’s one reader’s lucky day, because we’re going to make his anal dreams come true!

KSK,

I’ve been a reader for some months now (Ed note: About fucking time). My girlfriend actually got me to start reading your website a while back (She sounds hot, how’s her ass?), and I must say the sex mailbag is one of the most entertaining aspects of your site (Just wait ’til football season!). Well, to shorten this a bit, my girlfriend came up with the idea that you guys would never post my letter on the site, so she made a bet with me that if you guys were to post, I could earn my brown-belt. Now I’ve never had anal before, and let me tell you, her ass is spectacular (Nice).

I was just wondering if you could help a dude out. You guys are awesome.

-Novice

Congratulations, Mr. Novice, you’re going to get your dick dirty tonight! But just for the record, it’s not like it’s all that difficult to get your letter printed in this space. If I had to guess I’d say she’s really been craving it in the ass for a while now, and this is her sly way of making it happen without begging for it. Oh, and you can thank us with pictures of this allegedly spectacular ass (just to see how she stacks up against Jesikah).

To the ayatollahs of cock n’ rolla

so i’ll start with the sex question. there’s a girl at the church i go to who is pretty damn hot. however, as its, you know, church, is there any way i can actually approach her and try to pick her up? is there a better opening line than “some jesus, huh?” and are there any warning signs that she’s going to be all “no sex before marriage” that i can see before things get too serious?

As for football, i’m a Bears fan with a legit quarterback so i’m ok with that. Granted, no receivers, but hey, we can pick up Torry Holt and Plax and then i can kill myself in frustration. For fantasy
though, how do i get my friends to give a shit? Make it pay-to-play? Make better friends?

Thanks for the help!

john

People still go to church? Adorable!

/eats Matzoh

To answer the sex question, your best bet is to use the church to your advantage. She probably feels comfortable within the confines of church related activities, leaving her guard down and giving you an opportunity to strike. Approach her at the next ice cream social, picnic, or whatever the fuck it is you gentiles get into these days and ask if she would mind giving you a guided tour of her rectory. NO WAIT! Bad idea. Instead ask her if you might take her out for a nice wholesome Sunday brunch after church sometime. There’s no way to know how she feels about sex before marriage until the subject comes up, but it can’t hurt to pray, right?

On the fantasy front, you just answered your own question twice over.

Dear Degenerates,

When my wife wakes me up with a blowjob and then straddles me the morning after a night of drinking, I can end up inside before getting an the chance to take inventory. It seems she only chooses to play sexual alarm clock when I have a bladder bursting so full I can feel the Kidney Stones generating. Is intercourse with a painfully distended stomach pleasure or pain? I could tell her to hop off but your married members know the risk to rolling the dice Wifey’s mood for letting me back into such a wetdreamlike state.

Women know what it’s like to have to piss really bad, so hopefully she’ll understand that it’s a less than pleasurable experience to have somebody straddling you at a time like that.

Quick Weed Question: The papers have run out so you empty and repack a cigarette with ganja and tobacco. Is the filter cutting into my high? How much less smoke am I getting of how much lesser quality?

Packing weed in cigarettes is great for traveling, but it’s far from ideal. While the filter probably won’t lock up all of that precious THC it’s still not recommended. My biggest problem with this process is in the papers, not the filter. Cigarette papers are designed (by devious shiteating assholes) to burn at a rapid pace, especially when they aren’t packed with the proper amount of combustibles. What you need to do is invest in a small, efficient, and relatively inexpensive glass pipe to use whenever you run out of real rolling papers (or if you’re just tired of smoking paper with your weed).

Lifelong Lions Fan. What am I supposed to think about people bitching about thier team? I have a friend from Cleveland who won’t stop crying, let alone the sob story every Bears fan gives me. I still watch the Honolulu Blue, but I feel a know-it-all urge to explain true pain to anyone who complains and it is making me an asshole in casual conversation. Any suggestions?

No, you’re pretty much fucked. Just another bonus that comes along with being a Lions fan.

Autumn Heart, Chicago IL

Spring Gallbladder, Washington DC

Gay Mafia-

Football: When the Vikings inevitably move to Industry, CA in two years and bastardize their history, name, and team colors, what are my options as a life long fan? Do i keep my allegiance with the new team, or find another? I live in Phoenix now, and despite their super bowl appearance this year (a complete aberration), there is just ZERO chance i can root for the Buzzsaw. Nor can i just get behind some winning franchise because they win a lot (I’m not a douche. Well, a total douche). I’m a lifelong Vikings fan, i know only heartbreak and disappointment…

Here’s a suggestion, quit bitching and enjoy your precious Vikings while they still exist.

Sex: I’ve known my girlfriend for five years, but have only been dating her for six months. She lives in Kansas City, and as stated above i live in Phoenix. She’s thinking about moving here in a few months, and i think it might be a good move because i actually do like her and she puts out. A lot. But if she does live here, and i move in with her… Should i be expecting a drastic change in attitude from her? She’s pretty cool about my living my own life and being independent when she’s 1200 miles away, what are the chances that stays the same way when she lives here?

-Smitty Lite

Oh yes, that change will be drastic indeed. Whether or not it’s worth it is entirely up to you.

Carmen knows a little something about quality fakes.

Hey homos,

Sex: My fairly conservative wife recently dropped a bombshell on me… after having our 2 kids suck her fun-bags dry, she’s considering getting implants. I’ve always been pro-natural, but figure I should investigate the current state of fake titties. I’ve only come in contact with one set of implants (bachelor party), and I was not impressed – too hard and un-naturally round. Have there been advances to make them softer and more naturally shaped (she’d be upgrading from a “small B” to a “healthy C”)? Are they safer now than in the past? How much is this going to set me back? (if any of the commenters have Canadian pricing that would be appreciated – no, our universal healthcare doesn’t cover that). Am I nuts to be sitting here at my desk, and not taking her to the surgeon right now?

Football: Sorry, no football question, too busy thinking about my wife’s rack (and the computer program from Weird Science.

Thanks,
Plasticurious

Well if the only fakes you’ve ever felt belonged to a trashy bachelor party stripper of course you’d be apprehensive. She probably had the surgery in the back of some guy’s van. Our collective advice: pay a premium and reap the benefits for the rest of your life. NOW.

KSK,

Let’s get the football question out of the way: Who are the best receivers after T.O. and Moss? I think Fitzgerald is definitely a top five guy, just ahead of Colston and Santana Moss. Am I wrong? This is important for a future FFL debate.

There are no important FFL debates. I think it’s safe to say that Fitty will rank ahead of TO going into this season, and it probably won’t be that close. And as much as I love Santana, I don’t see how he’s a top-five guy. Calvin Johnson, Anquan Boldin, and Reggie Wayne (among others) are all better options.

Sex question: Background info first. I’ve been dating this girl for four years. She just got out of school and left her family to move in with me in another time zone. I’m also five years older than her. I’ve never lived with a woman before, and she’s occasionally driving me crazy by doing next to no house work (laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping), among other things. She wants to get married fast. I mean, she’d elope if I asked her to. It’s not that I don’t want to get married, it’s that her desire to get hitched so fast, coupled with her apparent enthusiasm for it, makes me wonder if there’s something wrong with me.

I would like to marry her, but her energy on this thing is kind of frightening.

Also, I’m of the mind that people should wait a long time to get married to make sure they aren’t rushing into things. I’m 27, she’s 22. Although it’s not like I can say, “hey, we’re not going to see each other anymore so I can bang some strange ass and get it all out of my system until I’m ready to be tied down!” She’s already here. So I kinda feel like I’m stuck.

I’m rambling too damn much, so I’ll just let you guys have at it.

Max. Biloxi, MS

If you aren’t ready for whatever reason then you should make that clear to her, but citing her lack of dishwashability as a reason is a very bad idea that will likely leave you alone, and possibly castrated.

Dear KSK:

What’s a normal amount for married couples to have sex? We’ve gone from a nice average of about 3 times a week, to once – only on the weekends. It’s mostly our differing schedules that’s killing the sex life. I’m often already in bed, and nearly asleep, by the time my husband gets home from work. I know he thinks it’s not worth the effort to wake me up and get me into it, and since I am mostly asleep and therefore am not initiating anything myself, we just don’t have sex. So, what I’d like to do is get myself into the mood, before he even gets home… Which leads to my question: Can you advise on porn sites designed for women? Maybe some of the regular posters (FMRA or Clare?) can help?

How high is Curry likely to go in the draft?

Sincerely,
Just a girl who wants to keep her man happy

There is no “normal” amount of sex for married people. If you aren’t happy or are concerned that he isn’t happy then you two need to figure out a way to make some time. If you really want to make him happy you’ll stay up for your man. If you happen to be watching porn and waiting for him in your sexiest outfit (skin) then you’re doing your due diligence. As for porn, try doing a Google search for “porn for women.” You’ll probably get a few (thousand) results that should come in handy. As with all other porn, the best strategy is to browse extensively.

Wartmongerers,

Sex: Thanks to the commenter who suggested manscaping as a way to initiate taintplay…I did a little work with some clippers and my shortest attachment (wait that sounds bad) as a little protection between blade and sack. My question is how one goes about shaving his balls for the first time (Very very carefully). Seems like a daunting task and furthermore, if one were to succeed, what kind of effects should he anticipate, ie awful itching?

Oh, it’s gonna itch like a motherfucker for a few days.

Football: Bears-related again. In response to who Cutler’s going to throw to, I posit that the Bears can get away with running my Madden offense. Drop passes out to Forte, 6-yard completions to TEs and a couple play-action passes where Hester burns the defense. Any objections?

Stub Lee Balls

I don’t object, although I do think that’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. If you can’t stretch the field from time to time defenses will start keying on those underneath routes and then nothing will be open.

Dear Purveyors of the Perverse,

Sex, first (of course) – My wife recently gave birth to our third son. Which makes a better Breastfeeding/Motorboating snack – Girl Scout Thin Mints or Oreos? Kidding, kidding. (Those things have gotten huge again and it’s all I can do to keep my hands off ’em, though.)

Real question — Between her recent pregnancy and now chasing the other two tax write-offs around all day, you can imagine her interest in sex of any kind is pretty much null and void, right now. HOWEVER, as King of my Castle, Bringer-Home-of-the-Bacon and all around good hubby/father, I feel I shouldn’t have to go completely without some satisfaction for this long. (Last release with her was about 2 1/2 months ago). So, I ask you, how and when shall I broach the subject of a courtesy Hand or Blow Job? I’ve tried initiating a little kissing/rubbing, but she basically falls asleep the moment she hits the pillows. I don’t want to be a jackass and I do realize her day gig is much more difficult than mine, but needs are needs. Suggestions for getting a quick tug….or more.

2 1/2 months is unacceptable regardless of the circumstances. Make sure she knows you’re still attracted to her and that you have certain needs. A little bit of the old romance would probably help, and if you’re not dick about it and you’ll probably get your sweet release.

FF Question – I was fortunate enough to draft Purple Jesus 4th overall before his Rook season and am on my last keeper year with him. Due to my own ineptitude, I managed to miss the playoffs both years (finishing 5th twice) and securing the always-fun 6th draft pick in a 10-man league. My other sensible keeper appears to be Quan Boldin – but his contract status (or lack thereof) is scaring me a little. Any sense in keeping Run-DMC and hoping the Raiders figure out how to get him the ball 20 times a game? Then taking best available WR or QB at 6? Or keep PJ and Quan and take the best RB at 6?

Disrespectfully yours,
FearTheBuzzsaw

I say keep Quan and hope for the best with the sixth pick. The problem is that I have no idea who else in your league will be kept, so I don’t know what kind of player you can expect in that position.

Dear KSK:

Football:
If the over under on Plaxico’s jailtime is 1.5 years, what are you taking?

Under.

Sex:
So I’ve been banging this chick on the reg. She happens to do 2 very nice things for me: 1. do it doggy style whenever I want (my favorite position) 2. probably more importantly I never have to call her or go to dinner or any faggy shit like that, just drunken fuckin. This has been going on sometime now and I decided to request “the ass” from her, which did not go as planned. She said that this would only happen if I was her boyfriend. So do I press the issue and possibly fall into the unwanted boyfriend arena or drop it and continue to drink just enough so my dick can still get hard and call her at 4am? (Full disclousure: I have partaken in this un-Godly act a couple times before and would like to again at some point in my life.)

Regards,

Osi U.

You sound like you have little to no interest in an actual relationship with this woman, so you might want to go elsewhere for your anal pleasures. Just be forewarned, she’s not the only one that’s going to want some sort of commitment before giving you her ass. Some girls may be into casual anal, but those girls tend to come with a hepatitis warning label.

Thanks to everyone for their submissions. We’ll be back with more next week, so get your submissions together.

Join The Discussion: Log In With

FeartheBuzzsaw — How old is kid #3? You’ve gotta give her a chance to heal. Then take over one weekend day – and I mean really take over. Send her to the spa, and make sure the house is clean and the kids are fed and happy when she gets back. Her life sucks right now, so do something good and you’ll reap the rewards.

Besides, you need to do that type of stuff from time to time anyway.

By: Upstate Underdog

04.09.2009 @ 1:08 PM

Sometimes you are just tired to fuck. Those of us with kids know what I’m talking about.

By: Nate Newton's van

04.09.2009 @ 1:09 PM

Church girls are fuck toys. Always have been, always will be.

/Promise rings, my ass

By: Upstate Underdog

04.09.2009 @ 1:11 PM

To the guy that wants to shave his sack I’m sure there is a how to manual somewhere on the internet. Just don’t google it at work.

By: bk

04.09.2009 @ 1:13 PM

maj, great advice on the glass bowl. i don’t leave home without mine.

By: Big Daddy Drew

04.09.2009 @ 1:15 PM

I think Fitzgerald is definitely a top five guy, just ahead of Colston and Santana Moss.

Dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever read.

By: Pigs

04.09.2009 @ 1:17 PM

Andre Johnson is definitely a top 5 receiver, especially since he can have 1k yard seasons with Shaub and Rosenfels running that offense.

By: Upstate Underdog

04.09.2009 @ 1:20 PM

Max, she doesn’t do house work yet you are still thinking about marrying her?

You are either very brave or very stupid.

By: Tank Johnson's gun collection

04.09.2009 @ 1:25 PM

Dear Lifelong Lions Fan,
The Pistons won 3 championships, and the Tigers won a World Series in the last 25 years. Go Fuck yourself.

Sincerely,
Cleveland

By: bk

04.09.2009 @ 1:27 PM

Dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever read.

there’s a whole internet out there, drew. you gotta start exposing yourself to all the stupidity it has to offer.

please don’t expose yourself to us, however.

By: Will Leitch's Unfinished Novel

04.09.2009 @ 1:29 PM

Max – Head for the hills, man. Pronto. A marriage would only bye you a few years of excruciating pain and misery until you finally get the sack to divorce her. Much easier to cut bait now. Plus, a bus ticket back home for her is relatively cheap.

FeartheBuzzsaw – I have four kids, fuck me running, so I know of what I speak. She is undoubtedly healed physically, just fucking exhausted. Her biggest turn-on would be for you to help her out as much as possible. Following the advice of MNYC would be spot on, and would assuredly result in you getting taken care of.

Just a Girl – There is no normal amount, but since you are unhappy about your present state, it is not normal for you and your husband. Hell, talk about it with him. Even schedule something – may not be spontaneous, but making the time and the anticipation leading up to it may work wonders.

Smitty – Bank on the drastic change in attitude.

By: CobraCommander

04.09.2009 @ 1:33 PM

Max, Max, buddy… what the hell are you doing? She is not doing housework now, wait until you have kids and the mess gets..well..messier… Run like the wind boy!

By: LaFavre's Next Retirement

04.09.2009 @ 1:34 PM

Maj – outstanding work this week. Those are two of the best pictures I’ve seen on this site! Oh, you thought I meant the advice. That was great, too.

By: bk

04.09.2009 @ 1:38 PM

@LaFavre: the original pic of jesikah at the top was way better, but it was changed when i refreshed to read the comments.

By: Clare

04.09.2009 @ 1:39 PM

Is the full bladder/weed/Lions query all one letter from Autumn Heart? If not, sorry for replying to someone else. Is your bathroom half a mile down the hall? Do you have an outhouse or something? As long as you get back to bed reasonably quickly, I can’t possibly see her giving you a hard time about running to the can before you get down to business. Nobody wants to get pissed on. Unless you’re into that.

Smitty Lite: Yes, your life as you know it now will be over if you guys move in together. Possible solution: Why can’t she move to your town but live, y’know, not with you?

Plasticurious: Well aren’t you the luckiest boy in the world?! Don’t cheap out. Take her to the best surgeon in town. Don’t be like Doug Heffernan in the “half off the second eye” episode of King of Queens (fuck you, that show is hilarious). Along with the “don’t cheap out” edict, you should be aware that the doctor might suggest some other surgeries to go along with the breast implants–lipo, a tummy tuck, etc. Google “mommy makeover” for an idea of what I mean. p.s. You’re not going to get to play with her new jugs for a while after the surgery. From what I understand from watching many episodes of “Plastic Surgery Before and After” on Discovery Health, there are, like, drains involved.

I’m of two minds about Max’s problem. If he tells her he doesn’t want to get married because she’s shitty at doing housework, he deserves a good swift kick in the balls. On the other hand, she’s only 22. When I was 22 I was drinking until I blacked out, making myself Velveeta sandwiches for dinner, and doing my laundry once a month. He might be asking for more than this girl can reasonably be expected to be mature enough to handle. Still. Fuck you. The floor is not a hamper. Put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Your girlfriend is not your maid. If you want a maid, here’s the phone number of Lorrie’s Cleaning Services. (228) 424-2363‎. You’re welcome.

FearTheBuzzsaw: I can’t improve on Maj’s advice, so just do what he says.

Osi U.: I once read a quote from Nina Hartley where she said anal was about “seducing the ass.” You might actually get it from your lady friend if you slow-play the situation.

By: FearTheBuzzsaw

04.09.2009 @ 1:40 PM

@Max – the chances of marrying a girl at 22 and her being completely ready for all aspects of it are about 100-1.
As long as she’s not a complete slob, roll with it for now and, if you are the anal sort, make a chore list and let her pick which ones she wants to do. Remember – you’re banging a 22 year old. There are certain concessions you will have to make.

@WLUN and MNYC – Boy #3 is only 4 weeks old. I’m definitely not being an ass and I even get up to change diapers after she is done feeding during the night. (Except for one night I had too much wine and slept 8 hours straight)

She’s got a spa gift card she hasn’t used. She’s got tickets to DMB with her friends in a month or so. (Yes – she’s got horrible taste in music.) I may go ahead and book a limo for them and see if that’s a nice enough token to get me to Handy Land.
I COULD just TALK to her about it, but we are married you know. Being vague and somewhat deceitful is so much more fun.

By: Luda

04.09.2009 @ 1:42 PM

Since fantasy is well gay, I’ll stick to real life: Andre Johnson and Larry Fitz are the two best receivers in football and, unless Calvin Johnson finds a QB who knows the bounds of a football field, it isn’t particularly close. Sorry, Randy.

By: illBill

04.09.2009 @ 1:51 PM

I think the format should change to a Fantasy Football / Sex / Weed advice column.

By: Will Leitch's Unfinished Novel

04.09.2009 @ 1:51 PM

FTB – I misread the age of your youngest; my bad. Yeah, may be a little early yet for her. Sounds like you are making a yeoman’s effort and are doing all the right things. I know women get incensed at any hormone references, but after childbirth, their horomones are legitimately bouncing all over the place (and I am not making any post-partum inferences, just the mere fact that they gave birth to a fucking human being.) Pretty amazing stuff. Maybe all you can do is continue to be supportive and a great guy, and let things run its course. And, get a subscription to Brazzers.

By: FearTheBuzzsaw

04.09.2009 @ 1:53 PM

@Plastic- choosing a Plastic Surgeon is like choosing a good mechanic/auto shop. Get multiple estimates and ask for references. In this day and age, chances are someone you know (friend of wife, relative?) has had some plus 2’s put on. Ask around and have your lady do some “research” with those who have work done. They’ll be honest and tell you how good they turned out.

/Or just stop girls with big racks at your local mall and ask if they’ve had work done. (Not actually recommended.)

By: mdoc

04.09.2009 @ 1:54 PM

Stub Lee Balls – I use a Fusion Power to shave my boys and have never cut myself, except for once when the shaft slipped out of my hand and the ‘shroom dropped right on top of that 6th blade on the backside. So you might want to use a Mach 3 Power or something. The vibration shit rules. Anyway, for the first time, my only advice is to go slow, be careful, and shave it 3 times in a row to make sure you get everything. It sucks stepping out of the shower, drying off, looking down, and seeing a bunch of stragglers. Mine have never really itched, they just tend to stick more, so invest in some baby powder or Gold Bond (yellow bottle only!). That’ll take care of any itch too.

By: Kiddicus

04.09.2009 @ 1:58 PM

As a young, recently married man, don’t marry a woman who can’t or won’t do housework. Unless you like doing laundry.

Also, don’t marry a 22 year old. They’re all stupid

By: Upstate Underdog

04.09.2009 @ 2:00 PM

I liked the mail bag a lot better when people were discussing shaving pussy, not balls.

By: Animal Mother

04.09.2009 @ 2:02 PM

Calvin Johnson has no QB last year and was the ONLY option on the Lions all year and he still lit it up as a rookie. By his 3rd season CJ will be a monster, QB or not. And it’ll be wasted on a team that’ll be lucky to get 6 wins the next two years.

As for the guy who has to commit to the girl to get anal from her, be very careful. You commit, you get anal, she could be a real psycho. You don’t commit, and she could cut you off from all sex, since you’ll be making it very clear you want nothing but sex from her. You should have just hit the wrong hole. Better to ask for forgiveness than permission.

By: Shinons

04.09.2009 @ 2:04 PM

Oh, and you can thank us with pictures of this allegedly spectacular ass

Does this actually ever work?

By: SDW

04.09.2009 @ 2:06 PM

I’d like to thank Max for living my life and asking my question for me. Good onya, mate!

By: Katni

04.09.2009 @ 2:09 PM

Just a Girl: Masturbate. A lot. Fire up your sex toy of choice half an hour before he gets home, get yourself close, then wait for him to finish the job. Porn can be incoroprated into this, obviously. I’m a fan of RedTube and YouPorn, because plotlines are just silly.

By: Unsilent Majority

04.09.2009 @ 2:10 PM

Does this actually ever work?

Sometimes

By: CR

04.09.2009 @ 2:10 PM

LionsFan: get a one hitter. It doesn’t even have to be glass, it can be one of those cig, imitations. also as a fellow Lions fan, or “fan,” I totally understand where you’re coming from. Listening to anyone else, (anyone! even Raiders fans) whine about their team is infuriating.

By: Forest Gunt

04.09.2009 @ 2:11 PM

Max: Get. Fucking. Rid.

By: Carrie

04.09.2009 @ 2:18 PM

x2 Katni

And if you’re willing to pay, you can get quite realistic fakes.

By: Shinons

04.09.2009 @ 2:19 PM

Sometimes

Nice!

By: Clare

04.09.2009 @ 2:21 PM

Shinons: Don’t you remember the saga of Rocco’s ex-wife?

By: FearTheBuzzsaw

04.09.2009 @ 2:23 PM

@Clare-wasn’t that in The Canterbury Tales?

By: Max

04.09.2009 @ 2:24 PM

@BDD: You’re absolutely right. That IS fucking stupid, and I am embarrassed over it. I hurriedly scribbled that question down just so I could ask the sex question. (Thought it was a requirement.)

@Clare: Okay, maybe I’m an asshole, but here’s the thing: if you want to get married, you’re at least pulling your own weight around the house, right? That’s all I’m saying. And I can’t afford the maid service, but thanks for the recommendation! :)

Here’s the thing about the girlfriend: I get good days and bad days with her (maybe it’s my perspective). Some days she gets all mopey and shit and I feel like driving for the Canadian border (22 hours away) and pulling a ‘Run, Rabbit, Run.’ And then there’s those times when she’s totally normal.

Appreciate all the advice I’ve been getting. Thanks.

By: Lost in the Office

04.09.2009 @ 2:25 PM

Fear the Buzzsaw- 4 words…Handjob in the shower. Take a shower together and gently broach the subject. It is semi-romantic, takes little effort on her part and there is no mess to clean up. 4 weeks is probably enough time for the healing to stop the bleeding, but not for everything to feel back to normal.

By the way, I am 4 months into my third and you are both going to be exhausted for AT LEAST the next 4 months…and counting.

By: Lost in the Office

04.09.2009 @ 2:31 PM

To the dude giving his girl breakfast in bed, what is your secret, I have broached the subject and am getting no love. Am I just fucked for not marrying a morning person?

By: Shinons

04.09.2009 @ 2:34 PM

Shinons: Don’t you remember the saga of Rocco’s ex-wife?

Hm…not off hand. I assume that I’m like most men in not being good at remembering things that happened before five minutes ago.

By: mamacita

04.09.2009 @ 2:43 PM

make a chore list and let her pick which ones she wants to do
DIAF. But you change diapers? Oh my God, American Hero, don’t overexert yourself.

What I remember from four weeks was that 1)your tits hurt a lot, 2)you are suicidal to some degree, and 3)the baby is really cranky and screams all night. Your basic Hanoi Hilton scenario. Can’t imagine why she doesn’t want to suck your dick, Mr. Baby Whisperer.

Incidentally, if you Google “porn for women” you will find the book of the same name. It features pictures of men doing housework. Think about it.

By: FearTheBuzzsaw

04.09.2009 @ 2:45 PM

@ Max–
“Some days she gets all mopey and shit and I feel like driving for the Canadian border (22 hours away) and pulling a ‘Run, Rabbit, Run.’ And then there’s those times when she’s totally normal.”

Sounds like she’s just, you know, being a woman.

@Lost – not a bad idea. If I can distract the kids with a very special one-hour episode of Diego, I’ll go for it.

By: Carrie

04.09.2009 @ 2:50 PM

I’m too lazy to look up and see who wrote “make a chore list and let her pick which ones she wants to do.”

I must say though, only do that if you want to drive her away. My roommate started doing that to me and within a few days she knew to stop.

By: Needs More Cheerleaders

04.09.2009 @ 2:56 PM

Novice – Lucky asshole! We want pics!

*cries bitter tears*

Autumn Heart (wtf?) – Tell your wife you have to piss first. If she’s got a problem with that, piss while you’re inside her. That tends to get the message across REALLY well.

Smitty Lite – Women will put out like crazy RIGHT UP UNTIL YOU ASK THEM TO MOVE IN WITH YOU / MARRY YOU. At that point it stops. End of story. She’s been really sly about it. Living apart from each other, “Sure, live your own life baby, I don’t mind!” crap (while secretly she’s fucking boiling with anger/jealousy over the things you MIGHT be doing), then the innocent “How about I move to Kansas and move in with you?
You’re thinking she’s the best thing ever, surely it can’t change that much, right? Wrong. 3 billion guys have thought that before you. All 3 billion were wrong. The plentiful sex ends the moment you pop the question.

But hey, look on the bright side. Soon you, too, will be singing about Business Time!

By: Stonecutter

04.09.2009 @ 3:00 PM

Max, run! If you’re this wierded out, you probably aren’t ready to get married.

Buzzsaw, my wife had twins 12 weeks ago, so I feel your pain. If you can afford it (about the price of a decent hotel room), I highly recommend a night nurse to ease the lack of sleep (and carry a shift or two yourself); and definitely get her out of the house for some alone time. I think you well within your rights to ask for a little sweet release.

By: PCBPiper

04.09.2009 @ 3:02 PM

Plasticurious,

Stop. I don’t know your wife or your life, but a married woman looking to get plastic surgery screams gearing up for prowling to me. Unless you’re an unbelievable catch, it’s possible she’s looking to get new tits before dumping your ass for half your assets and your kids. Or for plowing Manuel, the Puerto Rican pool boy.

Now, I realize that could be semi-offensive, and I don’t know your wife. She could be wanting to get them for you. But, just pause and think about it. Don’t get hung up on “BIGGER TITS!!!!!!”

By: crazy joe davola

04.09.2009 @ 3:06 PM

Not sure about anyone else here, but the only time I will roll a joint, is if I cannot find my bowl.

As an author on literotica, I can heartily second that recommendation.

By: FearTheBuzzsaw

04.09.2009 @ 3:10 PM

@Mamacita -I wasn’t annointing myself “Husband and Father of the Year.”
And our baby has slept for 4 hour stretches since the day he came home from the hospital. In fact, they all have.
Sorry your kids have made your life a living hell – each kid is different, I suppose.
Did you miss the part where I mentioned her day job is harder than mine? How about the fact I have been doing all the laundry, hired a housekeeper and take the other two kids out all day on Saturday and Sunday?
In other words, doing all the things a lot of us Fathers/Husbands try to do when their wives obviously need a break.
Maybe YOU’D like to suck my dick?

/if your comments were somewhat in jest, my apologies. but when I had to google ‘diaf’ it pissed me off.

@Carrie – that was me about the chore list suggestion. I thought it might be a nice, gentle prodding way of saying “You need to clean shit up.” But I can definitely see your point.

By: flubby

04.09.2009 @ 3:15 PM

Hey sunshine, don’t ask the question if you can’t handle the answers.

By: Ron Dayne's Strict Diet

04.09.2009 @ 3:19 PM

Without reading the comments or the rest of the post because I am a raging homer (umm…) –

YOU DIP SHITS FORGOT ANDRE “THE FUCKING TRUTH” JOHNSON while you rattled off a bunch of other shitty wide receivers who couldn’t lick the salt of Andre’s balls.

Yes, I feel better now.

By: Clare

04.09.2009 @ 3:21 PM

Max, your question rubbed me the wrong way and your fake-ass passive-aggressive condescending follow-up didn’t help your case. Your girlfriend is not your maid. You want the place neat, clean up after yourself. I’m done talking to you.