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Tuesday, May 20, 2014

This is what relapse looks like

So my mother came and visited us last weekend. There are no words besides "epic disaster" that can describe what happened.

I stopped talking to my mother last June. She got into a car accident which then launched her into a panic attack in which she repeated "Your father's going to divorce me" over and over again. For eight hours, until I went home. My father has been emotionally abusive my whole life, but I also forced him to get medicated back in 2005. This "I don't like what you did, now I'm divorcing you and leaving you with nothing" behavior was typical and frequent of him before he was medicated, but not really afterwards.

So, a week later, I checked with my uncle. My uncle said that indeed my father had said that he was going to divorce my mother and that he would be out of the house by August. At that point, I wrote my mother a letter saying that I was going to take some time for myself. When I was ready I would contact her. I ignored my father because he'd made it pretty clear over the years that I didn't matter much.

A month ago or so I figured that I should contact my mom before I go to Spain. I figured things would be alright since, after all, my eating disorder had been behaving very well since I stopped talking to my family.

So my mother came to visit and dumps on me some new information: no, my father never actually threatened to divorce her this time. All the info I used to make a decision to cut them both off was apparently false.

Or was it? I trust my uncle more than I trust my parents. I still haven't been able to get hold of my uncle.

Unfortunately, I have been able to get my hands on lots of food. I binged seven days straight after my mother left. My binges were so bad that I gained seven pounds in that week. In the entire history of my eating disorder, no binge lasted longer than four days. This was singularly the worst binge I've had in thirteen years.

So why did I binge? I wanted to numb the feelings of confusion, anxiety and deceit. I can't trust either one of my parents. At that point in time we also had decided not to go to Williamsburg, so I had no motivation to run or to try to eat healthy. I completely threw in the towel.

My dietician has been very helpful. She made it clear that anytime I interact with my parents, I need to be prepared to deal with ED screaming at me for a good week afterwards, not just hours or days. I'm seeing both her and my therapist this week.

And I think it may be time for another letter to my mother. I obviously need more time away from her.