Fixing Your Fire [Honor] - 010 Impulsive Pursuit of Honor

With the help of Hashem, let us continue to learn about kavod (honor), which is rooted in the element of fire in the soul. In this chapter, we will learn about honor that stems from water-of-wind-of-fire.

The “fire” aspect refers to the ascension in the honor, the “wind” aspect here is the movement towards the honor, and the “water” aspect here is the fact that the person is “dragged” towards the honor.

To be brief about how this manifests, when water-of-wind-of-fire is impaired, it means that whenever a person sees an opportunity for honor, he will immediately be “dragged” towards it, impulsively. As opposed to thinking hard for a long time of how to receive honor, this kind of person will immediately pursue any possibility of honor, when he realizes that it’s possible for him to get honor. By the time he realizes it, it’s too late, and he has already acted impulsively.

To say this in sharper terms, such a person doesn’t live his own reality. Instead, he lives whatever his surroundings are thinking, or at least according to whatever he thinks they are thinking. As a result, he will be immediately dragged after any situation where there is even a slight possibility that others will honor him.

As explained in the previous chapter, living for honor stems from a superficial orientation towards life. The three traits that remove a person from his world are jealousy, desire and honor. From all of these negative traits, the trait of honor makes a person the most superficial. With jealousy, a person wants to be another person and live another person’s life. With desire, a person wants to connect himself to something that he badly wants. But when a person wants honor, it is entirely about what others are doing for him. Honor is therefore the trait that makes a person the most external and superficial.

Living On The Outside Vs. Living On The Inside

In the previous chapter, we explained that living for honor is essentially to live outside of the self. In this chapter, we will expand further into this concept. Here we are discussing water-of-wind-of-fire, which is when a person does not live in his self at all, because he becomes totally dragged after honor as soon as he thinks he can get it.

In contrast to this, there is an entirely different, inner kind of life that a person can live, in order to counter and fix the above impaired nature.

There are many ways to experience life. The most external way to experience life is to live on the outside, where a person only experiences what takes place outside of his self. There is another way to live entirely: when a person lives his deepest, innermost desires. Such a person may also spend his entire life “outside” of himself, as he tries to pursue his deepest wishes [and constantly running away from his own inner world], but at least he is acting upon his own desire, which is some degree of connection to his own inner world.

The first kind of person is not conscious of himself; he lives entirely outside of his own inner world, never experiencing his own. Such people do not have any original opinions of their own. They live based on what others do and what looks good in the eyes of others. This kind of person will ask a few people what they think before he decides to do something, first seeing what they think about the subject. He has no inner world of his own. This is true even about their physical matters; he doesn’t think on his own, and anything he does is based on what others are thinking.

If this kind of person goes to a wedding and the waiter offers him a choice between schnitzel or chicken, he might take a look at what others have on their plate and only then will he decide what to order, thinking that whatever others ordered must be the better choice. He doesn’t even know what he likes or not. Of course, if he is on the level where he doesn’t need to enjoy any taste in his food, he is on a high spiritual level. But it’s very possible that he doesn’t know at all what he likes, which is problematic. He doesn’t have any of his own opinions and he gets all his thinking from others. He is inwardly empty, and he lives entirely on his outside.

Most people are not like this, but there are still a considerable amount of people like this. Sometimes a person is consciously aware that he has this problem, but many times, a person is not conscious of it at all. He is empty inside, and what he says and thinks is based on what others say and think. If we understand this deeper, it is because he has formed a certain thinking pattern in himself, of “I believe that I must think according to how others think”.

That is an impaired state. The healthy state of the soul, in contrast to the above, is when one has his own original thoughts and desires; he thinks from within himself. True, he may have erroneous beliefs and lowly desires, but at least he has a sense of his own self. He might be jealous, or lustful, or honor-seeking, but at least these desires are part of his own inner world. The negative desires he has might land him in Gehinnom, and he must rectify his negative character traits, but at least he has a “life” of his own.

For example, some people are very far from anger, but it is not because they worked on their humility so much. It can very well be because they have no inner world of their own, and therefore, there is nothing in their life that upsets them that much. As long as they don’t get really hurt to their core, nothing will bother them that much. An onlooker might view him as a pleasant person who never gets angry, when in reality, it is simply because the person is inwardly empty, so he never encounters anything to be angry about.

In contrast, other people have an inner world in themselves which contains their deep thoughts, dreams, and desires. They might not be holy dreams and desires, but this still shows that he has some kind of inner world taking place inside him. He is generally in a healthier state than the first kind of person described. Such a person lives his own inner world [albeit unspiritual], even when he is with others.

We can all understand that the first kind of person is in an unhealthy state, whereas the second kind of person is more solid. However, the second kind of person should not remain his whole life on that level, because he still has inner work to do. He lives his own life, his own inner world, but he may be very self-absorbed, caring only about himself and never about anyone else around him. He will end life on the level of the “animal” soul, and at a very low level of it.

The truer way to live - the higher level of existence - is for a person to get in touch with his uniqueness. Each person has his own physical and spiritual place on this world. A person has his own spouse, his children, the things he owns. He has his own intellectual powers, and his own personality and character traits. The more inward that a person is, the more he lives his true unique characteristics. He aspires to get to the next level also, but he mainly lives his own unique aspects. One should not live off his aspirations; that is also a form of impaired honor.

Living Off Aspiration and Living For Honor: Living “Outside” The Self

What is the connection between living off aspirations and a life of living for honor? They seem to be two different problems, but in actuality, these two problems are interrelated. Living off honor is living “outside” of oneself, and living off aspirations is also a way of living outside the self, because the person is not living off what he has actually achieved, but off what he wishes to achieve.

A boy who is 17 or 18 years old has certain aspirations, and when he gets older and more mature, his aspirations change, and even when he becomes elderly, he still aspires, but for different things. In all these stages, though, he may be living off these aspirations. His goals and dreams change, but the problem stays the same – he is always living off his aspirations. Most of the time, living in this way causes a person to constantly pursue “aspirations”, and the person does not get vitality from what he has actually achieved. This is a superficial way of living.

In contrast, the inner way to live is to get vitality from the unique characteristics which Hashem has endowed you with, and from the achievements you have reached. Upon that, you can certainly aspire to try to reach a higher achievement; indeed, it is pitiful if a person doesn’t have any aspirations to reach for a higher level. The Vilna Gaon says that if a person isn’t ascending, he is falling. A person is always in movement. But the question is: Where are you living from? You must live who you actually are. You should always be trying to move on to the next level, but only after first being connected to your current situation.

One should not try to move on to the next level out of a disconnection from his current level, or out of feeling empty. Rather, he must be a “full vessel, which can hold”. Then one can move on to the next level he wants to achieve.

This inner way of living is unclear to most people. What is the reason for this? It is because when a person doesn’t live the inner world as described here, and he hears about the concept of living “who you are”, he will think that this means to worry about yourself, to think about yourself, to go for what you want, etc. as opposed to being concerned for others. With such a mentality, when he begins to live his own reality, he will have a huge misconception about what this means, and indeed, he will become grossly self-absorbed. He might be conscious of this problem, but he won’t know what to do about it.

The difference between the above two perspectives is worlds apart, but they might appear to always be the same thing, to anyone who views his surroundings through a superficial perspective. But they are really two entirely different worlds.

The impaired use of the power described here is when a person is immersed in his own inner world, with no concern for others. All he is concerned about is if he has a good chavrusa for himself, if he has parnassah for himself, if his health is okay, and if he has getting nachas from his children. Anything he wants is solely about him. Such a person, when he is told to live “who you are”, he will simply become self-absorbed.

In contrast to this, the inner way to live is totally different. It is not about living in your various wishes (retzonos) of life, but from what you have actually reached and achieved; it is about the existent. This greatly calms the soul.

If a person goes too far with this idea, he will not aspire for anything at all, which is detrimental. But if he uses this power in a balanced and sensible manner, he will be calm inside, living and experiencing whatever he has.

The Problem of Self-Absorption

However, a person should not remain at that level; if he does, he will become too self-absorbed.

One of the big problems in people who have become “oivdei Hashem” [those who engage in intense self-work and improvement in their service towards Hashem] is that they become too immersed in their own selves. To illustrate the problem, there is a famous story where Reb Yisrael Salanter met a certain pious individual on Erev Yom Kippur, and when Reb Yisrael greeted him, the person didn’t respond. Reb Yisrael criticized the behavior of this individual for becoming too self-absorbed in his spiritual improvement.

The Mesillas Yesharim states that “man must know and clarify his obligation on his world”, and “world” implies man’s involvement with the world outside him; in addition to this aspect, there is also the aspect of “man was created individual”. A person might either be immersed in his aspirations, or, he is immersed in his actual achievements. But in either case, the person is living his own inner world, and this can create a very problematic attitude.

If a person is living his own inner world and he is very in touch with what he wants in life (as opposed to what others want), he might feel that he has a world of his own, his own Torah learning and his own avodah, and therefore he may not feel any concern for others. Although he isn’t actually hurting anyone, the problem is that he is deeply immersed in his own inner self. He isn’t aware of how his self-absorption is really hurtful to others around him. Others may need his help, and he is unaware of this, because he is so self-absorbed in his own inner world.

Even worse, sometimes he actually hurts others along the way, when he is not paying attention to his surroundings. We can compare this to a person walking in the street who tramples over an item made of glass that someone else is looking for, and it breaks. He simply wasn’t aware of what was in his surroundings, and as a result, he ended up causing damage.

So there is a problem that when a person becomes deeply involved with his own inner world, he may become too self-absorbed and he will be neglectful towards others.

There are two possible extremes, which are both evil. If one is immersed in his aspirations, he is being detrimental to himself, because he is living outside of himself, as explained before. And if he is immersed in his own actual achievements, or if he feels fine because he thinks that he is heading towards Gan Eden while everyone else around him will go to Gehinnom, and he doesn’t really care, because the main thing is that he has gotten somewhere with his own life – although he is a very inward kind of person and he lives a life that is the antithesis of kavod\honor, any sensible person can understand that this is not either a truthful way of living.

In Summary

In summary, we have explained that there is a superficial way of living and an inner way of living. The superficial way of living is when a person’s inner world is empty and therefore he lives outside of himself [his desires and ways of thinking are entirely copied from others]. The inner way of living is to live one’s own inner world, one’s own deep desires.

There are two impaired uses of this ability. One problem is when a person lives off his aspirations, and other problem is when a person is too self-absorbed in his own actual achievements. We have explained that living off one’s achievements is a more genuine way of living than when one lives off aspirations; but as we have explained here at length, this can be problematic when a person becomes too immersed in his own life.

Striking The Correct Balance Between Inwardness and Relationships With Others

This leads us to the deep gateway towards the true kind of life. The words here will be subtle to understand, but they are describing a life of truth.

When one lives a life of inner purity, life will look totally different for him. He will be connected to who he really is, but it will be viewed by him as but a temporary situation, a bridge that he is passing through in order to get to something deeper, and not as an end result to itself.

The sefer Nefesh HaChaim explains that when Hashem said He is sustaining the world entirely through the merit of the sage Rabbi Chanina ben Dosa, this meant that Rabbi Chanina was the shvil (pathway) which all Heavenly sustenance would pass through in order to reach this world. In the same vein, a person can view his own actual achievements as nothing but a shvil\pathway that takes him to another level.

In other words, one can be connected to his own havayah (existence\reality), but in a non-egotistical way; to emphasize, this is a non-egotistical connection to one’s own inner self. When that is the case, anything that is a part of the person’s inner world is viewed by him as nothing but a receptacle of Hashem’s kindness; when that is the attitude of the person, everything can spread from there onward.

But if a person is egotistical, everything is about “me”: My own achievements, my own unique portion that I have on this world, etc. He won’t mind if he gets another person’s share in Gan Eden as well, because all he is concerned about is himself. If he finds out that someone else speaks lashon hora about him, he is very happy, because now he knows he will receive the other person’s share in Gan Eden….

That is the state of an unrefined, unpurified soul. But when one has refined his soul and he is not egotistical, when he knows that life does not entirely revolve around him, he will be able to live with a very fine balance: on one hand, he will live his own life and his own achievements, but instead of being egotistical about this, he will view it as nothing but a ‘temporary point’ that he needs to pass through, as opposed to viewing it as a purpose unto itself. Compare this to a father and children. The father provides for the child, knowing that his whole relationship towards them is to be a provider for them and to give to them.

The true meaning of the “inner world” is that the deeper a person connects to his inner self and the more that he refines and purifies himself internally, the better he can live with this great contradiction of being connected to oneself while being concerned for others.

On one hand, one can be deeply connected to his own inner world, and from there he can derive a deep, inner serenity of the soul; he is connected to his own achievements on this world, but he understands that it is not everything. It is only a gateway to something deeper: to be able to relate to others in a deeper and more meaningful way. He uses the deep connection he has to his own inner world as a way to improve the way he relates to others. He has greatly developed a rich, inner world of his own, and as a result of this, he can be very helpful and beneficial to the world outside of him.

If a person only thinks about his surroundings and never about his own inner world, this is total superficiality, for he is living entirely outside of himself, and it is the impaired state of the soul. A more improved state is when a person has his own goals and wishes, and he is not copying what others want, because this shows that he is at least in touch with himself; but he is largely pursuing worldly desires, so it is not yet spiritual. A more spiritual level than this is when he lives with his own aspirations, but this is still living on the outside, because he is constantly living in what he wants, and not in what he actually has.

When a person is sitting and learning Torah all day in the beis midrash, he brings light into the world, and he is found within the inner world [if he is deeply connected to his Torah learning, and not just learning superficially]. But when a person is helping others all day and meriting the public, he is constantly exiting his own inner world and living in the world outside of himself.

The depth of life is to live one’s own inner world, and from being connected to there, one can let this spill over into how he helps others; the more he merits it, the more he can help others, from the inner connection that he reaches. When he will be involved with the world in order to help others, it will then be perfected. This personifies the trait of Avraham Avinu, who bestowed kindness upon the world, who was able to shine his own light upon the rest of the world because he had reached his own inner world.

This is a subtle matter, however, because being involved with the world always has its dangers. A person is always susceptible to all kinds of outside influences, and he may lose his own inner world in the process of being involved with others. It takes inner refinement to remain connected to one’s inner world and be apart from them, while at the same time being influential upon others and being involved with them.

Being “Yourself” Around Others

Now we will speak of how to practically act upon these words.

There are people who want very much to be liked and adored by others. They want to find chein (favor) in everyone’s eyes. They have a personality that comes across as very pleasant, sweet, easygoing, and flexible. People are excited to suggest a marriage partner to him, because they can see that everyone gets along with him. But then when this kind of person gets married and he has a home of his own, we see a totally different person….

What happened? What changed? It’s simple. He was a person who had always been manipulating his own character in order to get along with others, to look like a nice and pleasant person. He could do this quite well when he was acting in front of others, but a person cannot keep on this act forever, such as in the privacy of his own home. That is where his true personality comes out. It had been stifled until now in order to please others, and now it will come out in full force.

What, then, is the correct way of living? We can’t tell a person to be his true personality and to always show his true colors around others, because then he won’t care to please others at all, acting conceited and irritable around others, etc. That would not be a successful way to live. People need a balanced way to act when it comes to getting along with others. But what does that mean? Does it mean to be sometimes be nice, and to sometimes “be yourself” a little? That is not either a truthful way of living.

The truthful approach to take is that when being around people, he should act entirely from his “I” towards them. What does that mean? If he shows his true colors, how will others get along with him? But we don’t mean that he should show the dark side of his “I” to others. Rather, we mean that he should be his true self around others, while at the same time, being prepared to give to others whatever they need – to fully give of himself to others.

Whenever a person bestows good upon others, it can only be possible when he has what to give them; one cannot give something he doesn’t have. The first, basic part [of relating to others] is that a person be prepared to give of his entire self, to the other. However, he must be aware that his entire “I” is but a means of transferal of blessing from Hashem to the other person, and in this way, a person avoids egotism even as he is fully connected to himself while helping others.

Thus, true giving and bestowal of good upon others – whether doing a kindness for them, or helping them, or listening to them, or understanding others – can only come from a strong, inner connection to oneself, along with a person’s awareness that his “I” is but a “garment” that serves as a means to transfer [Hashem’s] good onto others.

In many cases when people want to please others and they are very helpful to everyone, this stems from an inner emptiness, a lack of connection to one’s own inner world. We can see that most people in the world are reliant on others for love; a person initially depends on his parents for love, and after they leave the world, he may turn to his children for love, if he has no inner world of his own.

In contrast, when a person has already become connected to his own inner world, he has what to lean on for support. On a deeper level, a person can feel that he can lean on Hashem for support. Most people-pleasers do not have this deeper source of love in themselves, however. When it comes to people who are very fragile and insecure inside themselves, this is strongly the case. If the people-pleaser has a more confident kind of personality, others who meet him may suspect him of having a very conceited personality, or as the type to wish to control others, etc.

But if a person is a bit aware of the concept of being connected to one’s own inner world, he will know that true bestowal of good upon others is an ability that comes from being fully present when helping others; one is allowed to be “himself”, while at the same time, being fully prepared to give to the other person whatever he needs. This is how an inner life looks like.

Some people cannot stomach this, and they feel that having this attitude towards others is too much of an overhaul on life, and that helping others and giving others their needs is just out of respect of the mitzvah to do chessed, and to maintain minimal peace with others. But this is not supposed to feel like a huge overhaul on one’s entire life. Rather, it is one point for a person to work on - and when this one point is worked upon, it can indeed change one’s life.

Self-Nullification

After a person has built a solid connection to his own inner world, the next step for him to work on is to be able to have self-nullification (bittul) to others, as we say at the end of the silent prayer: “Nafshi k’afar tiyheh” - “My soul should be like the dust to everyone”.

[This is where one does not feel his own self around others, and instead he feels like nothing around them, nullified to others and being prepared to give fully of himself, to them]. This self-nullification comes from a deep connection to Hashem, from feeling so insignificant when contemplating the smallness of man compared to the Infinite.

However, if a person tries to work on nullifying himself before building a solid sense of self, this stems from a negative trait of “shiflus”, “lowliness”, a trait of the “animal” level of the soul, and it will not be true self-nullification (this has been explained by Rav Chatzkel Levenstein). The level of “My soul should be like the dust to everyone” can only be worked upon after one is solidly connected to his own inner world, and only after that should one nullify his sense of self.

After recognizing your own importance and significance, you can now nullify that and make yourself feel like nothing, but if you feel like a nothing in the first place and you never developed your own inner self yet, you have nothing to nullify. To illustrate, before Pesach, we nullify the chametz, which was previously of significance to us, and then we make it into nothing. But if we don’t have any chametz to nullify, there is nothing to nullify, because there is nothing here in the first place. Only after you have something of value in the first place can you then nullify its value.

In the same vein, only after you have recognized your own value can you try to work on self-nullification towards others. Thus, self-nullification is only genuine after a person has a solid connection to his own inner world.

One must be careful with self-nullification, however. Nullifying oneself to others must not cost him his own self. If he feels nullified to others when he is around them to the point that he has no sense of worth of himself at all, he is losing himself in the process, and this is where self-nullification is detrimental.

Also, self-nullification is not meant to become a permanent state to be in. One should not always be nullifying his sense of self; if he does, he is overdoing it, and he is in danger of losing himself in all of this self-nullification.

One should access only self-nullification when he is around others, so that he can feel like “nothing” around others and thus be entirely giving towards them; but when he is done helping others, he should return to his connection to his own inner world. One should “run and retreat” (“ratzu v’shav”) between the state of self-nullification (where there is no self) and his own inner world (where there is a self), in a cycle, regressing back and forth between these states.

In this way, one can have a strongly developed inner world of his own, along with being nullified to others, and herein is the complete rectification for water-of-wind-of-fire.