Question

Should I let my mentally ill mother-in-law visit my baby?

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We cut off all relations with my mother-in-law more than two years ago because she renounced our marriage and played a lot of manipulative games. She's also manic-depressive and delusional, and when she doesn't get her way she stops taking her medicine. I told myself that if I ever had a child I wouldn't let him near her. But she says she'll commit suicide if we don't allow her to be a part of the baby's life. Aside from making sure she gets the help she needs, what else can I do?

Mom Answers

Unfortunately, your mum in law's illness is something she cannot control and requires medical attention. You have enough responsibilities that are yours to assume (a baby, a family, a marriage) but this one is NOT. Yes, she is family, but you should not feel responsible (nor should anyone make you feel that way) for your mother in-law's mental well being (or her life for that matter). Her condition requires medical attention and psychotherapy. The best thing you could do is make a decision that YOU and your husband are comfortable with and stick to it. If she threatens suicide, take her directly to the emergency room where she can be supervised and cared for. She may not understand it just yet, but you are helping her more this way then letting her manipulate you into submission. As for visitation, maybe when your child is old enough to understand, you can explain that his grandmother has an illness and give him the choice of whether or not he wants to have her in his life.
Good luck

I grew up in a household with a mentally-ill person. I would say that as I child it was difficult to understand. Mental illnes is a disease, but just as with certain physical diseases, I would draw limits as far as contact. I would say the following the next time she threatens suicide, "I am sorry that you feel that way, but my child needs stability and security, and as soon as you are on medication again we can talk about setting up a visit." It turns it around to her, you are not completely saying no, but setting boundries. If she starts to argue, tell her that is final and repeat that she must be on her medications, and then end the conversation, move away, or leave entirely. Then stick with it.
I would also be completely honest with your kids about her illness. Tell them that grandma is sick and doesn't always take her medicine. Even very small children can understand that. Reinforce that you do care about her and you want her to get better. Have them send birthday cards, artwork, etc. to her so that there is a relationship there.

Follow your gut but Please do NOT tell your child that grandma is sick in the head or mixed up. Your child will remember those comments and will potentialy use them in the future to inappropriately address other ill people. We have all read stories about children saying embarassing things to others. Next, you do not have to explain anything to your child until they are much older. You can always say "oh that's just grandma being grandma" when an issue arrises about her condition. Let your child form an opinion about grandma on their own. Whatever your decision may be, send tons of pictures, fingerpaint projects, etc. to help her progress through her illness. This type of motivation is always encouraging for anyone. Finally, establish your rules as to where, when, and how long visits may be if you will do them. Establish what will happen if the rules are broken and I suggest you meet in a public place such as a park or family resturant when you do visit. Remember, she is grandma!

"Understanding illness" is not the issue here, nor is her being family. It's the danger for your child that is at stake! You're thinking what kind of relative would you be if you kept your precious child away, but think about this: what kind of PARENT are you with this obvious lack of protection??? My children don't live in a bubble, and I honestly know they can get hurt/sick/etc. in a million places and ways, but why on earth would I PUT them in danger's way??? You're baby is only a baby once, think about it. Pictures are worth a thousand words and can be replaced when a mentally unbalanced woman hurts them-- your baby can't.

We have a manic-depressive in our family as well. She is wonderful w/ the children and I would never not allow her to see them. When she has bad "cycles" I just make sure to have supervised visits. You all as family members should learn more about her disorder. I suggest reading "Bipolar for Dummies". It is a great book that helped me a lot. Remember, she can't help that she has mental illness, but she can work on treating it. Don't punish her, please.

People who suffer from these diseases cannot control their actions. BUT THEY CAN CONTROL WHETHER OR NOT THEY REFUSE TO TAKE THEIR MEDICINE. Your child comes FIRST. If you feel unsafe in any measure about letting your mother-in-law see your child, then don't take the baby to visit. If she threatens to kill herself b/c you won't allow her to see the baby, then let her try. Saying that she will "kill herself" is only a means of manipulation so that she will get her way. You all (including her) are adults, and while she suffers from a mental illness, she has the power to control it (to a degree). By reliquishing that power through refusing to take her medicine is her fault, and by no means are you to include your child in her life unless she can take the proper measures to control her life. You conduct the visits on YOUR terms-not hers.

I too have a mother-in-law with a mental illness. Though there has been no major falling out or separation of the family, she CAN be very manipulative and extremely self-destructive.
The one thing I can say in her defense, is that she shows an amazing amount of love towards her sons and now to her grand-daughter. My advice is to allow your husband to make the final decision (it is his mom after all) but if he decides to allow her into your child's life...NEVER leave them alone. Though she may never intentionally hurt the baby, a woman with that significant of a mental illness cannot be trusted alone with a baby.

I agree with the person who says that your mother-in-law's threat to harm herself is just another form of manipulation. True, she has a mental disorder, but people who have bipolar disorder are NOT insane, and are therefore very aware of what they are doing. Although they may take things to extremes and may not realize how extreme they are being at the time, they still know they are wrong later on, and if they want something badly enough, they will work to correct their behavior accordingly. Tell her if she truly wants to see her grandchild, she'll stop trying to manipulate you and seek professional help (this includes taking her medication). Oh, and I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder - I have played the same games she is playing. If she was going to commit suicide, she'd just do it, not talk about it. I'm working hard to correct my behavior (without meds, they just seem to make me crazier, but that's not true for everyone) because I don't want my son to grow up in the same volatile atmosphere I grew up in (I am a carbon copy of my mother). What's most important is how this will all affect your child.

I say dont risk her harming your child. Obviously if she's threatening suicide shes walking a very thin line, and if that line snaps while she is with your child god knows what would happen. You cant constantly walk on eggshells to keep her from killing herself, if she really was going to she would have done it already. Shes just using that as leverage, to manipulate you into doing what she wants. Dont give in for the sake of your child and your sanity.

I am in the same situation my mother in law has a severe mental health problem she suffers from D.I.D. and she won't get help and she stopped taking her meds so my husband and I have tried to tell her that she needs to get help and we told her that she can't see any of her grandchildren until she does;I told my hubby that our children come first and we have to protect them.You never know when someone with a mental illness will snap and sometimes they won't even know it. I have offered to go with her to a see a theropist and she didn't want to go I asked her if I found a doc would she go and she said no,so I have tried everything now she changed her #.She doesn't even know who we are we have tried to get to know the altar that is in control right now but he doesn't want to know us,a very sad situation.My daughter suffers the most she is 6 going on 7 and she was really close with her and now she feels that her grandma doesn't love her and i reasure her that she does and I tell her that she is sick right now and we can't see her until she get's help...sorry for rammblig but I hope I have helped in some way..

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