You know what they say: Sex is like a fucked-up box of chocolates, you never know which one you're going to get! But, uh, odds are you're gonna get at least one in your lifetime.

And here's some even more terrible news. There are 19.7 million new sexually transmitted infections in the U.S each year, and 15 to 24 year olds account for half of them. CDC epidemiologist and one of the authors of the report, Catherine Satterwhite, says young people often don't have good insurance sources or difficulties accessing care.

"We've seen a disproportionate burden for quite a while," Satterwhite said in a telephone interview with Bloomberg. "Young women in particular are at greater risk." She added that making sure more young women are screened for chlamydia is important. You know, because everyone has it.

She didn't add this, but we will: We're obviously doing a great job with the whole "keeping our most valuable resource safe" thing. No need for better sex education programs and easy access to STI protection. Stay the course, everybody, and good work!

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released these numbers in reports today; it's a special Valentine's Day kiss to all of us. They measured the data on eight sexually transmitted infections, including HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea, hepatitis B, chlamydia, trichomoniasis, herpes and HPV, and came back with the summary finding: WE FUCKED.

Depressingly, sexually transmitted diseases cost us $16 billion each year to treat. Wouldn't it be great if we could get our shit together and use that money for something useful? You know, like our public school system? Or on the world's best cake and pie and Doritos and Funyons party for all of us? Honestly, we could fill ten high school gyms with Slinkies and it'd still be a better use of the money.