The Plus & Minus ofSolo Travels and 'Singlehood'

I have been stalking you for quite some time now.My fingers have memorized each letter of your name out of habit.I have picked up tiny bits and pieces of you as if those are clues and trails of your character.And somehow, I feel like I already know you. ​Just so you know, I have examined you carefully--

During days when I’m trapped with too much feelingsEmotion after emotion swirling and swirlingTurning me into a disgusting, cowering, delicate, and fragile monsterI am in total surrender to every turn of my hormonal blendI am a slave to this brutal switch that breaks from one mood to anotherI am caught in the tides​I have lost control.

How x, y, z, and other variables, once upon a time, will pop into my life--That familiar first lookThe exchange of how are yousThose carefully chosen words desiring to impressThat flirtatious gazeThe reciprocity of knowingThat unspeakable spark when the hand finds its way to my clasp for the first time— again.

I can still vividly remember that first day--A Norah Jones song strumming in a nearby barHow we both have grinning eyes as we watched fire dancers steal the showThat kiss that dissolved the taste of pale beerThe sound of kids laughing at two adults oblivious of passers-byAnd how you stared at me with certaintyWe will see each other over and over again.I knew.

I can still vividly remember that last day--Alexi Murdoch playing on your speakerHow I cried for no reasonThat trickle of your kiss that momentarily consoled meThe sound of last call for boardingAnd how you gazed at me with finalityWe will forever be apart.​I knew.

We had the perfect affair---no feelings, drama, attachments, certaintiesjust passion, a couple of living in the moment anecdotes, and hot evening's desire for a subzero Ale.There are no reassurances, no semblances of tomorrow,just quiet spoken words of "I'm gonna see you again soon."There are no dwellings of the past, background-checking and nitpicking,just simple rendezvous of you and I.There are no weigh-ins, where are yous, baggage claims,just whispers, glances, and a constant day in and day out.There are no clingy needs to be pleased, sweet nothings,just natural conversations that come out spontaneously,like an all-out straight-to-the-point "this is what it is."

We had this perfect affair---Almost.Until little monsters of feelings set in,Until demons suddenly become an appendage,Until you become aware that for me, this is not really just what it is,Until you can no longer stand the need after need of how are yous, or worse, i miss yous,Until there's always a question of then, why, how, when, what or who?Until I cannot draw the line between affairs and entanglements,Until I misused bold words, too strong for you to hear,Until you suddenly gone pooft and kaput.We had the perfect affair--Not quite.Until I realized that there are no perfect affairs whatsoever,just good ones, short good ones that need to be what it really was---pre-terminated.