Fuck being a waiter at the Ivy with a screenplay in your locker! The real way to meet celebrities these days is to become an international Hacktivist and chill in diplomatic asylum for a few years. Case in point: Lady Gaga visited Julian Assange—who counts Oliver Stone and Michael Moore among his most vocal Hollywood supporters—at his hole in the Ecuadorian Embassy last night. They talked for five hours, ate dinner. Then she left. This could have something to do with your regular neighborhood shit-stirrrer M.I.A.'s tweet at Gaga on Sunday night:

@ladygaga if ur at harrods today , come visit Assange at the Ecuador embassy across the st. im there.ill bring TEA and CAKE.

This, however, does not explain Lady Gaga's witch outfit. And now her Little Monsters website is resplendent with people yelling that Assange is not a rapist. Someone just make some gifs so that I can better understand this. Gifs are the only way I can make SENSE of the WORLD these days. (Incidentally, Mother Monster did have an accidental hand in Wikileaks.) [Express, The Australian, Daily Intel, LittleMonsters.com]

Jude Law's ex-wife Sadie Frost was apprehended and later released for assault during a fight with her boyfriend, model James Gooding, after a dinner in London. Her best friend Kate Moss apparently hated the shit out of Gooding—ten years Frost's junior—this whole time for dating Kylie Minogue and then talking to tabloids about it. [Daily Mail]

Matt Damon's 42nd birthday party in London, organized by large professional mensch John Krasinski, took place at a fun-sounding Chuck Bassian den of iniquity in London called The Box. Emily Blunt, Bill Paxton and Tom Cruise came too (by himself) and Cruise and Damon "got paddled on their rears" by the club's cross-dressing host, with the birthday boy given "extra spankings." Good show. Unfortunately there were no rando good Samaritans to get visual evidence, begging the question: If Matt Damon's apple bottom gets spanked raw, and nobody's there to hear it, does it make a brisk and satisfying slapping noise? [Page Six]

Katy Perry performed at a fundraiser for President Obama with Earth, Wind and Fire, and although the man himself wasn't in attendance, he doled out props later on ("My understanding is it was an incredible show. They just perform flawlessly night after night. I can't always say the same"). But the most important thing, as always, is Katy Perry's showtime manicure, as seen above. Only down side here is that Stacey Dash's Mitt Romney pedicure is now imminent. [VH1, Twitter]

The rage of a million Twi-Hards is now all that's separating Kristen Stewart
and Robert Pattinson
and their tainted love. Although the two were headed for a reconciliation, "many of Rob's fans are still angry with Kristen and it has been decided that all three [Twilight
stars] should go their separate ways." So the studio is sending Patz
to Australia and St00
to Japan, and also Taylor Lautner
somewhere but who cares about that. [Monsters and Critics
]

Anne Hathaway joins a Mindy Kaling rom-com about "a woman who pursues loserish guys until out of nowhere she gets macked on by the hottest guy ever." Is that a plot? [Vulture]

Girls Aloud is reuniting for a concert, if that means anything to you. [MTV UK]

Richard Gere got told off by a dude at a restaurant in the Hamptons for going up and creeping on his wife. [Page Six]

NVM, Smirkyderp Clooney and Stacy Keibler are still a unit. [Page Six]

Taylor Swift was supposed to eat food with one of the fresh-faced lil' Raisinets in One Direction but it got cancelled. [Entertainmentwise]

Perhaps it was Niall Horan, who is still recovering from a squirrel attack. For which he had to have surgery. Hey, The Onion writers: You can quit your job now because THE HOUSE (a.k.a. LIFE) ALWAYS WINS. [The Sun]

On the bright side, dude is casually dating and Skyping Demi Lovato. [Sugarscape]

At Barclays, Beyoncé wanted to say happy birthday to her "special friend" Gwyneth Paltrow, so she did: "Gwyn, I love you." It is extremely hard to imagine Gwyneth sustaining a deep and abiding friendship with anything other than mysteriously-colored detox juices and one beige cashmere sweater from The Row that costs more than my college degree, but I guess there can be miiiiracles when you beliiiieve. [Monsters and Critics]

Matthew McConaughey, your weight loss for a movie role continues to scare the shit out of me. [NYDN]

David Blaine finished his three-day electrification stunt and went to the hospital. [ABC News]

Nicole Kidman says Keith Urban opened her up sexually: "He just gave me confidence, through just being very kind to me and understanding me, opening me up to trying things, my sexuality, those sort of things." [Entertainmentwise]

Jennifer Lawrence doesn't care about her weight as much as everyone else does. [Zee News]