5 Dating Resolutions for the New Year

A guide to help you find your bashert this year.

Another year, another resolution. Do you remember everything that you were determined to accomplish last year? I imagine you succeeded in achieving some things, while you may not have reached other goals. Believe it or not, reaching your goals is not the measure of your success. Rather, setting your goals and striving to reach them is all that is asked of you, as the Mishnah says, "It is not your obligation to complete the task, but neither are you at liberty to desist from it entirely’” (Ethics of our Fathers 2:16)

With this in mind, let’s approach our New Year’s dating resolutions with a new perspective. You know better than anyone else in the world what should be on your list. I can't tell you what your resolutions should be, but I can offer you a guide on how to make your top 5 dating resolutions.

1. It’s gotta make you smile

Make your first dating resolution something that makes you smile when you think of it. How often have you resolved to do something that made you cringe or feel frustrated? It may have been on your list of things to accomplish, but every time it came to mind you rolled your eyes at the thought of doing it. So let’s make your first dating resolution something that puts a smile on your face instead. Smiling always brings out your best side, so no matter what resolution you choose, it’s a win-win! Here are a few ideas to get you thinking:

“I resolve to create and follow my own dating rules!” Doesn’t that make you smile? For some of you, following everyone else’s rules has turned your world upside down. Now it’s your turn to take all the wisdom you have and make your own dating rules!

“I resolve to keep a sense of humor about dating.” Find the amusing side of dating. Resolve to turn the tables on dating woes and you can laugh your way to your soul mate. (Just remember: humor, not sarcasm.)

“I resolve to enjoy the moment.” You don’t need to worry or look for “signs” that this relationship is right or wrong. Simply enjoy the moment you are in: before a date, while on the date and when reflecting after the date. Enjoy staying in the moment. Clarity will come without anxiety. Smile and remember that you’re more likely enjoy your next moment after you’ve just enjoyed this one!

2. Acknowledge your past, plan your future

Think about this past year. In what ways have you changed your dating habits for the better over the past 12 months? Now pat yourself on the back for making that shift! When we look back, all too often we see only what we did wrong. There is a time for correcting mistakes. However, I want you to make resolutions from a place of feeling positive about your ability to accomplish.

Now that you have in mind the good changes you made this past year, imagine what else you could change for your future. Think about how making that change will improve your road from here to chuppah. Visualize yourself making the shift. Can you see it in your mind’s eye? If not, think of something else. Empower yourself to make a change from within that will impact yourself, your dating and your life for the good.

3. I’ll be ready when we meet

Finding your soul mate is your goal. Your Mr. or Mrs. Right is out there. You may be wondering, “Wherever could s/he be?” Let’s start asking a different question: “What can I do for my soul mate?” I want you to make your third dating resolution focused on the soul mate you haven’t met yet. What can you resolve to do this year that you haven’t been doing? Do you need to let your guard down, speak more sweetly, be more kind? By practicing your new resolution you will be perfecting yourself and preparing yourself for dating and living with your soul mate. And in the meantime, you’ll be treating all your dates even better than you did last year.

4. Handle with care

Ever heard this one? “Why are you still single? You’re such a great catch!” Or maybe this one: “You should stop being so picky.” Or how about: “It will happen when you least expect it.” Ok, you can stop gritting your teeth. Relax. I know it’s not at all what you want to hear.

But let’s be real for a minute: people are going to keep saying these things, right? Knowing this, dating resolution #4 is about how you respond to such comments. Has your way of dealing with them been working for you so far? Do you think you can come up with a ready answer that both empowers you and has sensitivity to the speaker? You can take care of yourself and another at the same time.

5. Strive to be your best

Take a good look at yourself. What have you been putting off? Is there something you’ve been meaning to do about your physical or spiritual well-being? I want you to work on something that will make you more attractive to yourself. Don't worry about whether or not it will make you a more attractive mate. By working on what is best for you, you are preparing for reuniting with your soul mate. Make sure what you decide to work on is what you want to strive for, not what someone else told you to work on! You know yourself best. Trust your inner self and figure out what is a top priority for the next 365 days.

Your resolutions can really make a difference. Take some time to think about them, be specific and write them down. Now is the time to visualize your future and work on becoming the 'you' you want to be.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Aleeza Ben Shalom is the Marriage Minded Mentor you can count on when you want clarity in dating for marriage. She is the author of Get Real Get Married, your guide to getting over your hurdles and under the chuppah! In addition to her private mentoring sessions with clients from all over the world, Aleeza is a passionate speaker and the host of a weekly show. To learn more about her unique style of matchmaking, which focuses on empowerment and developing successful support networks, visit www.marriagemindedmentor.com. Aleeza is committed to creating marriages that endure the test of time, starting with her own: she is a dedicated wife and loving mother of five children.

Visitor Comments: 22

(21)
Danielle,
August 27, 2013 6:42 PM

just shared this! excellent and timely insights!

(20)
Avromy Segal,
August 27, 2013 11:31 AM

Who do I need to become

Great article as usual Aleeza! Regarding resolution #3, a question I have been asking for a while and I encourage everyone I meet to ask themselves is, "Who do I need to become to be attractive to the girl of my dreams?" This way, when you meet her she'll be interested in you!

Thanks for the great content!

(19)
Anna,
August 26, 2013 4:27 PM

Great article, a lot of good advice.

(18)
Yehoshua,
August 25, 2013 8:29 PM

Got me

While I was reading the first tip I was thinking about working out more and taking care of my physical self, but you took care of that with tip #5.

(17)
Anonymous,
August 25, 2013 3:30 PM

very insightful and real!

i love this article! i am going to forward it to my single friends. gr8 and practical advice for how to make this year The Year!

(16)
Pete,
August 23, 2013 11:35 PM

Great article. Lots of very useful advice. I have shared it with many friends.

(15)
Naomi,
August 23, 2013 9:39 PM

Great article! The part about keeping a sense of humor really resonated with me!

(14)
Anonymous,
August 23, 2013 8:31 PM

Relatable

#4 is so true - People constantly ask why I am still single or assume I am married. It is a frustrating reminder that I am not! Handle with care...that says it all. How I react to their words is my choice, and realistically it is a compliment that people feel that way about me.

(13)
Michael Stern,
August 23, 2013 6:03 PM

You are the go-to Dating Coach

As a Rabbi it's hard to find the right resource to steer people to. Your articles demonstrate much relevant wisdom -your grounded ness comes across - Keep up the great work

(12)
Evan,
August 23, 2013 1:42 PM

Great article

Great writing and great, inspiring thoughts. Especially in these days before Rosh Hashana, I appreciate Aleeza's words and wisdom.

(11)
Miriam,
August 23, 2013 4:43 AM

: )

Great Article!

(10)
Henry,
August 23, 2013 4:41 AM

It all makes sense.

Get ready, be ready, stay ready - Aleeza's plan to strive to achieve your goals and believe it will happen is such an incredible tool to utilize

(9)
molly,
August 23, 2013 4:12 AM

resolutions work

Great ideas and suggestions. I know I wrote my resolution for kislev on paper on rosh chodesh. I meditated on it a lot. I am happily married now and the same piece of paper is still in my bedside table. Mind over matter totally.

(8)
Anonymous,
August 23, 2013 4:01 AM

I love these concepts! I especially loved number 4, which I can really relate to. Both empowering and inspiring at the same time, thank you for that :-)

(7)
Lou,
August 23, 2013 2:42 AM

Aleeza,

Great Article & Excellent Advice!

(1) Julie - I think I can be of assistance to you :)

(2) Anonymous - Lighten up & don't overthink it...Just have fun...

(3) Anonymous - Could be with the right woman

(4) Chana - Yikes! spell check please :)

(6)
Anonymous,
August 22, 2013 6:50 PM

Anonymous

Anonymous, I am in agreement with everything you said. It is very easy to try and do everything right, and end up in the same spot next year. It hurts and it's heart breaking. When your hearts desire is for your besheret and you feel like a failure, because the married people did something right and your still waiting. It is a hurting place to be.

(5)
Anonymous,
August 22, 2013 6:08 PM

Anonymous has it right -- singles are not "wrong"

Kudos to anonymous who wrote that this article, although well meaning, sets it up so that those who already are married somehow did something 'right' and those of us who are still single but wishing they were not either have some major flaw or have done something 'wrong'. It's very, very painful to be on the outside looking in and constantly reminded by the Jewish community at large and various members within just how flawed you are for being 'still single'. Also, the article makes absolutely no mention of the very wonderful singles who have done everything right - including all the steps listed above - but who have been lied to and mistreated by people they date. It is often the nicest ones who get taken advantage of and manipulated by people who are damaged goods. The hurt of this goes very deep and leaves scars. The article makes it sound very trite - "...you can laugh your way to a soul mate"; would that it were that easy. Please do make light of a very painful situation.

(4)
Chana,
August 21, 2013 10:04 PM

Great article, very week thought out. Keep it up!

(3)
Anonymous,
August 21, 2013 9:04 PM

My New Year Resolution....How about you??

What do you think???

(2)
Anonymous,
August 21, 2013 6:32 PM

it's impossible to know what it takes to meet your beshert

Hi Aleeza,You've written a beautiful piece but I'm wondering: isn't it really impossible to know that any of your suggestions actually move one closer to meeting his/her beshert?It may be important for single people to feel like they are taking some kind of action, but we really don't know G-d's plan. My Aish rabbi told me the simple truth is that some people, no matter what they do, will remain single.

Also, this sets up the paradigm that those who are married somehow did it right, and those who are single are doing it wrong. Many single people are in a lot of pain, and the idea that it's completely in their hands, implies that it's their fault they haven't met their beshert, - if only they had done/would do this or that - I think, may make the pain worse.

Maybe we should get more real and say: It's very painful to be wanting your beshert, especially when you're in a community that values marriage. Despite people spouting off about what the Almighty has to say about this or that, we really don't understand the plans the Almighty has for us. Maybe the best we can do is live fully each day, do our best to create the lives we want today, and daven.Sending heartfelt prayers that everyone gets his/her heart's desire if not today, then in the new year.

Ann Canada,
August 22, 2013 2:41 PM

Marriage speaks well of the married

Anonymous, you are right about it being painful being single and longing for one's beshert. I have long felt great shame being single for so many years, because it speaks to the world about being unlovable and unwantable. Who wants others to know such a thing about oneself? Your kind mention of sending heartfelt prayers is appreciated.

(1)
Julie,
August 19, 2013 4:31 AM

Ready to find soulmate

I am a new "empty nester"....both children are now out on their own. I have been divorced for 17 years and am a public school teacher. It's time for me now to find my soulmate! I would greatly appreciate some assistance with this...thank you!Julie

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...