Thoughts On Divorce: 4 Years On

When your one great aim in life is to have a happy family – a blissful marriage with 2.4 kids – divorce comes as a bit of a shocker. So when my ex husband and I decided to call time on our partnership, I didn’t know how we’d get over the experience of our uncoupling.

Having met my ex at 18, previous breakups had involved nothing more than a text message and a swift removal from my MySpace top 8 friends. If you bumped into each other at cider-fuelled house parties you’d do the mature thing and pretend you hadn’t seen each other, knowing you wouldn’t awkwardly spot them anywhere else unless fate really wasn’t on your side.

There was no chance of them popping up in your Facebook feed back then, either; don’t you miss the days where you couldn’t feel bad about yourself by searching your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend on Instagram?

But ending a marriage felt very different to those juvenile splits, especially when there were young kids involved. With Hux still very much a tiny baby and Elfie not yet two, when we broke up I knew we’d have to tread carefully.

There was no guide on ‘how to leave your ten year relationship when you have a house, kids and a whole kitchen full of pots and pans to lay claim to’

Unfortunately, despite my frantic Googling efforts, there was no guide on ‘how to leave your ten year relationship when you have a house, kids and a whole kitchen full of pots and pans to lay claim to’. Gwyneth and Chris Martin’s concious uncoupling hadn’t happened yet, and as we’d both been brought up in two-parent families we had no template to base our split on.

So I guess we winged it.

Four and a half years on and I think we did a pretty alright job of the whole thing. Yes, there have been times when we could have quite easily throttled each other (still are, on occasion), but by and large our arrangements have worked. I have major custody, the children love spending time with their dad, and the good Le Creuset pans still live with me, too. Win/win/win.

We even – dare I say it – have some kind of respect for one another. We share an online calendar, in which all plans for the children are noted, and by and large that ensures there are no tangles over fortnightly custody logistics. We had a totally unspectacular divorce that was granted without fuss, he’s happily engaged to his girlfriend (and I am genuinely pleased for them), and we even shared a drink this weekend.

Only one-fifth of single parent households in the UK are headed up by the father: the onus for child rearing post-divorce so often falling to the mum

That isn’t to say it’s been easy, and I’ve by no means been the most compliant and passive ex-wife in the world. There have been times where I have been so mad, so mad, that my life plans have had to be compromised to such an extent because I’m now a working one-parent family. Only one-fifth of single parent households in the UK are headed up by the father: the onus for child rearing post-divorce so often falling to the mum.

Take this week for example. In a period of seven days I’ve been around to take Elfie to two settling in sessions at her new school (pick up, drop off, guided tour), I’ve gone to another one of her special school assemblies, I’ve taken her and her brother to three different clubs and had a 3.30pm meeting with her new school headmistress. I’ve organized, paid for and hosted a birthday party, ordered and picked up medications, undertaken school disco runs and made sure both children are fed, loved and clean every day. Oh, and I’ve been working full-time too.

But that’s the life of a family, isn’t it? Goodness knows what the bloody awful DM meant when they said these mums were addicted to a 100 hour week schedule’ – that’s just what we do. But I do the majority of it alone, and sometimes I wish I was given more of a choice when it came to changing my ambitions to align with being a single parent family.

Do I feel sad about my divorce?

Do I feel sad about my divorce? Yes, I think I always will. Nobody ever enters into marriage and then goes on to have kids thinking the relationship won’t last.

Do I regret the experience? Not once: my marriage gave me two beautiful children and the divorce a lifetime of relationship experience, along with the motivation to provide for my family.

It’s not something I’d recommend you aspire to in life, but it seems to be working out pretty OK for me, and I can tell you one thing: though I’d love to marry, I will never ever divorce again..

This is a nice piece, Alice – you’re definitely working single-mum inspo! I don’t quite understand your last comment though: do you mean that if you marry again, you’ll be more sure that it’s right and that it won’t lead to divorce again… but how can we ever be sure of this? Though it’s obviously what we hope for! Or do you mean that you wished you’d worked harder on saving your first marriage and possibly have avoided divorce? From the rest of this piece and the rest of your writing, I don’t think that is what you mean…? Or am I maybe just overthinking your words?! I’m soon to enter my first (and hopefully only!) marriage, so am thinking a lot about what marriage is all about, and my aspirations, hopes and fears at the moment! I hope one day you re-marry someone amazing and that it lasts for a lifetime. xxx

Hi Leelah! I mean, I’d love to get married again and will do it with 100% hindsight and the knowledge that I have now about relationships. I think – and my ex-husband would agree – that there were plenty of red flags before we wed, but to be honest we were such great friends and had such a lovely established life together in so many ways that we ignored them.

I think I’d value relationship traits now a lot differently now than I did back then. The ‘top 5’ important things to me in a relationship would be completely different, and I hope now would make the solid foundations of a marriage. I don’t think you can ever foresee the breakdown of a marriage (and nobody goes into one expecting it to break down!) but my priorities and attitude to it would be completely different.

Sooo many congratulations and best wishes for your marriage – how exciting! xx

Hi Alice! Your article is amazing and I completely understood what you meant about getting married again and not divorcing. I also understood why Leela was a bit confused.
I am the product of divorce (my parents divorced when I was 7). I personally divorced after 4 years of marriage to someone I knew most of my life.
There is a silver lining that has come from being a product of divorce and living through my own divorce. The silver lining is an education I couldn’t and wouldn’t of had without these experiences. I learned exactly what I wanted in a partner and I learned how to be a better partner. I joking tell people that my first marriage was my “Trial” marriage and everyone should have one.
I was fortunate not to have children. Since I’m a product of divorce (a very BAD divorce) there is one thing I would have done differently then my parents… I would LOVE my children more then I HATED my ex. This is extremely important and something my parents didn’t realize. My brothers and I were used as pawns in a very bad game they called divorce. They forgot that we didn’t ask to be a product of their marriage and we didn’t choose our parents. Unfortunately, we were constantly being forced to choose sides while being fed lies. We had to pretend to hate the parent we weren’t with on that day. If anyone takes anything from my post, please take these words… LOVE YOUR CHILDREN MORE THEN YOU HATE YOUR EX.
I feel stronger about these words now because I am a mother. This is the biggest and best silver lining. I am getting ready to celebrate my 17th wedding anniversary to man I adore. I wasn’t ready for him the first time around. I needed to learn how to be a better wife. Even though we go into marriage believing it’s forever, sometimes we aren’t truly ready for our “Forever”. Sometimes there are signs we aren’t mature enough to see. The day and days leading up to my first marriage, I could feel something wasn’t totally right. The day that I married Jeff (my second husband), I knew it was perfect and I knew it was forever. Today I am the proud mother of a 15 year old daughter, a 12 year old son and a proud wife 3 weeks away from celebrating 17 years of marriage.

I love your writing Alice. I don’t know how you manage to do what you do — you are literally supermum/superwoman and Hux and Elfie are very lucky to have you. No doubt the strength you have as a single mum is already setting an amazing example to your kids along with the fact that you and your ex are on, largely, positive terms by the sounds of it, which I expect makes a world of difference. Am sure this piece will be so helpful to many single parents out there xxx

Good for you, Alice! You live and you learn! My little boy’s father and I split up just after his first birthday, although we weren’t married so I think it might have been easier for us to separate.. But we have a good relationship for our son and he has the best of both worlds! I never thought of using an online calendar to communicate with him though! I think I’ll steal that idea if you don’t mind! You should do a blog about tips and tricks/do’s and don’t’s for separated families! ??

Thanks Katie! Hux was the same age when we split – I always used to judge parents who broke up with a small baby and now feel so guilty for it. There really was no forecasting what happened. Sounds like your situation is a lot similar to ours :)
The calendar is genius – it means that at any time we can both refer to it if we get confused, I wouldn’t be without it! x

Beautifully written Alice. I also got married in 2008 and was divorced by 2012 with one under 2 years. I work full time, (sometimes 12 hour days) and it’s so hard sometimes but you just have to get on don’t you?! A well oiled machine of organisation (my panic sets in when something .. or someone..upsets the system). Wedding anniversary today..(weird feelings about that). Love your idea of online calendar! Sounds great! Do you just use outlook or something more snazzy??

Thank-you Laura, it’s a funny one isn’t it, I never thought I’d get divorced so fast but when you know, you know. The calendar is PRICELESS – we just use iCal and have colour-coded calendars for the different people on it. It really works!

I love your posts Alice and totally concur with everything you have written here. Like you say, I would never have chosen divorce to be the outcome of my marriage but the lessons I have learnt and the confidence it has given me from standing on my own is literally priceless! I also have weeks where I feel like it’s not fair that I have to do the lions share of the kids organisation (on top of full time working, managing a house single handedly and all the rest…) and I think that’s heightened because he shares his bit with his GF, but then I don’t want to trade that role either! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels like this! Thank you ???? X

Love this post Alice. As I approach what would have been my 8 year wedding anniversary (07/08) whilst being in the depths of going through a divorce (with my nearly-4 year old son in tow) I can’t help but look to the future, endeavouring to be optimistic and realign my expectations and future plans with this new life I find myself in. Your post makes me feel hopeful – thank you x

You’re divorced? Gee I didn’t realise, it’s not like you’ve ever mentioned it before. Seriously though, as much as you seem to be handling it all like a grownup and doing right by your kids, these posts always stink of regret. I mean you’ve used it as an excuse to share your wedding photos. Again. Who would want to rake up those memories? That is not a woman who is happy to be divorced. I hope you find a way to move on soon I mean goodness Alice, it has been four years x

I’m sorry if my comment upset you that wasn’t my intention. I’m genuinely sad for you that you clearly haven’t got over it yet after all these years. Hey it’s a big deal I get that, but you shouldn’t let it define your whole life Alice x

Your comment didn’t upset me Serena, I found it antagonistic and you obviously didn’t understand the point of my piece.

My divorce doesn’t define my life, but writing about how I’ve pulled myself out of a very dark place is – shocker – helpful to some who are currently going through the same. I do it here, I do it for The Telegraph, I do it for Buzzfeed: I’m sure these publications don’t employ me simply to indulge my insecurities, there’s an audience for it. The emails I get daily from readers thanking me for sharing my experience would agree, and are why I continue to write. If you doubt this, do take a read of every comment preceding yours.

I thank you for your concern but can assure you I am one of the happiest people I know… please don’t waste time feeling sad on my account. I’d spend that time taking a closer look at the reasons for leaving comments like this on the internet, if I were you.

And as an extra note, why not share photos of my wedding? It was a happy day, and for a time I had a happy marriage. That’s something worth celebrating in my book.

I honestly didn’t intend to antagonise you and again I apologise. I just told it as I saw it as somebody with much more life experience than you. I think it’s great that you’re providing for your kids, with grandparents next door and support from their father you all make a great team. From what I see they are awesome kids. I just worry that you’ve made a career from pretending to be the poster girl for a happy divorce. I mean how many articles of the same ilk can you write? You’re bigger than your divorce Alice is all I was saying x

Patronisation aside, if you think I’ve made a career from being the poster girl for a happy divorce you’re really barking up the wrong tree. I am so much more than divorce: it’s part of a journey but in no way defines a woman, and that’s true with me.

The last piece I wrote about divorce was back in February and this year approximately 2% of my income will have been earned by writing about it. I run a successful business that has absolutely nothing to do with divorce.
However, it’s such an important topic to discuss, and is still seen as taboo . When I was going through divorce I found nothing online to support me through it, and I take huge pride in the fact I can be that comfort to other women experiencing it. As Pru said – whatever happened to the sisterhood? It’s this kind of judgement that gives women a bad name.

Serena—As someone in a serious long term relationship and trying to support a friend going through an ‘amicable’ divorce- Alice’s journey has been helpful to me to know what to say/not say– do/not do and how to just be a good friend. I don’t understand why you would read and comment on this post in such a negative way. People write memoirs and this is Alice’s ongoing one- and one of the best written and most honest out there. Also- in commenting on something this fundamentally personal, you know she will read it. You know that her readers will read it. Why be such a bitch? Having a drink with her ex and his fiancée and co-parents doesn’t speak to me of not being over it. It speaks of loving Elf and Hux enough to parent collectively. Acting like she was never married would be facetious and I for one thought it was a brilliant post- and one I privately shared with my friend in the middle of a divorce— telling her/showing her that things will get better.

I would hate then to see a comment you intended to be negative Serena. If you hadn’t meant to be negative you should have chosen your words more wisely. It’s full of sarcasm and judgement . No where in the article is she lamenting, I’ve followed Alice a while and don’t believe she goes on and on about her divorce. She’s living her life, with her children holidaying as a family, working, attending events, dating and shopping! I hardly think she’s lying crying into kleenex, however what if she were !! Don’t judge a person till you walk in their shoes!! Keep judgements to yourself and rethink how your words come across. It’s nothing short of online bullying and if you say you’re older than Alice , shame on you ! You should know better ! I’m 45 and appalled at your trolling ! It’s not big it’s not clever

It sounds like you’ve done a great job of a difficult situation. I am winging it being a single parent but have the different thing of not having a father there. I suppose that means there is no negotiating! You’re doing fab x

Thank you Julie! You’re doing the most wonderful job, too. I marvel at the life you’ve created for your lovely children. And your posts are so insightful: I’ve forwarded them on to a recently widowed friend and I know they’ve been most helpful xx

Beautifully written Alice, as always. There is so much to celebrate in life, and yes, I’m not sure anyone ever got forecasting right- but you seem to have a good grip on hindsight- which has to be the next best thing.
I hope, in your own time, you fall on more happiness, and don’t try to rely on foresight, but instead find every way of living for you (and Hux and Elfie) , with a him. And crass as it sounds to say, your words read as someone who is happier with the present by appreciating the past, and that’s got to be a good thing.
And yes, with a divorce of years gone by, I thank my parents for my birth date, I don’t think I was strong enough to have lived it with social media.

Thank you Debbie, you’re so right. Foresight is impossible, and I think getting a bit older has helped me see how important it is to appreciate the experiences past rather than regret them. Everything’s a lesson.
It must have been a very different experience to live through without social media!

Serena has a point, you love the fact you got divorced. You love to go on about it and how your a single mum, as if you were upped and left penniless,… you have a rich ex who contributes and pays for his kids. WE GET IT ALICE! Your divorced and super happy…

Wow, jealous much? How dare you Alice.. How dare you get divorced and then live to tell the tale AND find happiness again?! AND you’re ex is grown up enough to step up to his responsibilities too?! F*ck sake.. Poor Elfie and Hux! Having parents like you two! You should be ashamed… Divorcing and then trying to make the best that you can of it for your children!

Thank you for sharing your experiences, Alice. I really admire you for doing what I’m sure was a difficult and scary thing, and going on to build a successful business that aligns with your family’s needs. My husband stays home with our two little ones and I support us all, and I’d love to figure out a way to have more flexibility and more income. A salaried job feels safe, but it’s also a bit restricting. Anyway, I love hearing how you make it work and I find you really inspiring.

I also divorced my first husband, though thankfully we did not have children (he would not have been a good co-parent, I’m sure), and while sometimes I wish it hadn’t happened I don’t entirely regret it.

Thank you so much April. It’s bloody hard to run a family and a family’s finances in this day and age and I so applaud anyone who works hard (as it sounds you and your husband do) to do what is best work-wise for their family. x

Oh my goodness. What happened to sisterhood and solidarity ?? Some of these comments make me sad and show that as we try to take a step forward there’s always a hater lurking to rip us to shreds! Believe that the negative spiteful comments say more about the individuals than it does about you Alice! As adults haven’t we outgrown keyboard warrior stage! ( I was never in that stage!) wedding days are amazing and almost 20 years after mine I still have the wedding album even though we have been divorced 13 years ! It was a happy day and I have extremely happy memories and some of my guests sadly have left this world so it’s a lovely reminder of them too! Single parenting is extremely hard, my ex doesn’t really co-parent. I’m not bitter about it. I do what I have to do for my child and dare anyone pass judgment they’d feel the icy chill of my “I am woman hear me roar” side !! Love this blog post and love your honesty and Alice you’re doing a great job as a mum and full time worker! Let the hate go over your head and let them fester in their own bitterness and jealousy . You rock xxx

Exactly, Pru! Love that you still have your wedding album – I think it’s so precious to be able to look back on those memories fondly and appreciate them for what they are rather than think of the experience as a shameful hindrance.

Thank you for being so vocal and supportive – ironically one of the things my divorce taught me was how important it is to support other women and be able to lean on others in your time of need. Perhaps some of the women on this thread could do with a divorce to teach them the same lesson (before they lynch me – JOKE JOKE JOKE!!!) xx

I’m 8 hours behind in Canada so a bit late on the outraged train but also, outraged at people leaving snarky comments on a characteristically honest, thoughtful and well-written post. Thanks Alice – you put yourself out there with your blog posts and articles and I – along with everyone else rational out there – appreciate and enjoy your writing.

Hmmm, I understand and see where the negative comments are coming from. Happily married people may look upon your life which seems a be very perfect and think ‘Why should I be married’.
Let’s not encourage divorce based on 1 persons fortunate experience to be able to move on afterwards. Top tips on how to move on are very helpful for people who are already in the middle of it. I’m married and I was always taught that if something is broken them fix it, it’s has been in the past and I’ve never been happier.

You’re obviously not a regular reader if you think I in any way glamourise divorce: the entire premise of my writing is getting on and enjoying a happy life IN SPITE of going through a shitty time, not BECAUSE of it. Furthermore, if you think my re-telling of my experiences of a divorced woman encourage others then I’d ask you to read again… the tales of the difficulties of raising children solo, the terrible financial implications, the absolute shockers of men I’ve dated in pursuit of a second chance of love, the crippling loneliness and self-confidence issues. My story is one of hope for those going through this awful time, not encouragement that it’s a sensible choice for when relationships get a tiny bit tough.
You’re very lucky that you’ve been able to fix whatever has been broken in the past: this is not true for everything and everyone.

Hi Alice,
I’ve been stalking the pages of your blog for quite some time now. While you were married up until now…. I too am a single mother of 2 (almost 4 year old son and 5 year old daughter). I joined the club almost three years ago.

It is because of my being a single mother I feel I can open my big fat mouth and confidently say that “No single mother out there is in any way, shape or form trying to glamourise single parenting”. There is absolutely nothing glamorous about it. It’s not easy; it’s a strain on your parts of your life you never even imagined would be affected by it. While some may say I sound resentful, I’m not. I’m much happier now than I was 3+ years ago. I would never ever wish for anyone to go through a divorce. However, if marriage is not working and both you and your partner aren’t happy, it will only affect the kids in the long run (and not in a positive way might I add). So, yes, I would encourage divorce BUT only for the right reasons.

So many AMENS to that comment Adeola, you’ve articulated exactly how I feel. Like you, I’m much happier now than when I was married, but bloody hell does it take a long time to get here. I don’t think some people are able to understand that x

Hmmm, if people are “happily married” they won’t be looking upon Alice’s life feeling like they are missing something. If they are truly happy they will be secure and content And they won’t second guess their own marriage on account of Alice’s posts on divorce. In my opinion Alice has never glamourised divorce and she has openly spoken about the dark days too. You are very lucky and should count your blessings that you have been able to fix any problems in your marriage. Unfortunately for me it wasn’t so simple when my husband was having a long term affair while I was going through IVF for a much longed for baby. It turns out he was a serial adulterer and his promiscuity had caused my infertility. With all due respect I will have to disagree that if it’s broken you should fix it. Sometimes it is simply better to walk away.
Alice thank you for all your posts on divorce – you speak straight to my soul.

We are so lucky that so many people open up their feelings via their blog as a lot of people don’t admit but it gives the reader comfort in times whereby they may not wish to talk about it in person, they can get reassurance from knowing other’s situations and experiences, just like I’m sure many do in your situation Alice. I cannot comment on a situation like this as I know nothing about divorce but it is particularly interesting to read and put myself into the shoes of those close to me that have experienced this, so it annoys me that people think they can analyse YOUR feelings to predict why you’ve written something. x

Thank you for your lovely comment and support Ashleigh, I get loads of emails saying exactly this which is the precise reason why a blog about my experiences. When I got divorced there were only a few government websites I found talking about the process, it would have been amazing to have heard someone’s ‘real life’ experiences of the whole thing.

Anna, this is my favourite. Shall I get some other ‘influencers’ together and start a Twitter divorce movement? cos seriously it’s been one laugh after another ;) ;)
Trolls can’t do grammar. It’s a scientific fact x

By writing this article Alice, you are expressing your right to freedom of speech and whether you like it or not, there are those who will not agree with its sentiment or content. Those who provide feedback are also entitled to freedom of speech. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Very simple really x

And in the same vein, if those who disagree with the sentiment or content of this post suddenly realise in a blinding flash that they appear to be in a tiny minority, and that the majority of respondents on here find their comments either cruel, bizarre or outright batty, then one hopes that they might reflect more closely on what they wrote and perhaps try to be a little less bitchy next time. Very simple really X

The sad fact is that the bigger a blog gets, the more likely they are used to sycophants leaving comments. If somebody doesn’t agree then they’re called out as a troll which simply isn’t always the case. I can actually see where some of the ‘negative’ comments were coming from maybe it’s just me but I didn’t see them as being antagonistic just a different opinion? Gotta love the internet!

No problem with different opinions; I just think that expressing different opinions politely, with respect and without being intimately judgemental should also be part of the equation. Some of the posts here, would, I politely suggest, fail on all 3 counts, hence the reaction of the majority.

As always, love your writing AND the topics you write about – it’s insightful and accessible thoughtful and so, so helpful to people. Rolling my eyes at some of these comments, especially the one about glamourising divorce! Seriously?! Keep on doing what you’re doing as it’s obvious you are doing a brilliant job, and keep writing about whatever you like and sharing your wedding photos, if you want, whenever you want!

Extremely well written and honest post – even for someone in their early 20’s, not married, not divorced, just living a happy life. Quite clearly there is a broad audience for your writing about all topics, including divorce – so those trolls can eff off! Look forward to future posts xx

Thank you for writing and for sharing this post. You have a few negative and very unfair comments on here.

I read your blog a lot (as you know) and have read almost all of your posts about single parenting, divorce, dating and separation. You don’t glamourise divorce Alice, not for a second. What your posts do show is a single mum who works really really hard, who adores her children and puts them front and centre of everything. You show that single mum life can be really tough at times, but it can also be incredibly rewarding. You show that divorce and single motherhood are incredibly challenging, but that out of our greatest challenges come our greatest achievements.

You are not a poster girl for divorce Alice. You are a poster girl for achievement through hard work in spite of tough circumstances. You don’t have to justify yourself Alice, if the trolls don’t like what you write, then they should stop reading.

Alice, your blog posts always resonate with me. Though I was never married, I love the innate strength and survival instincts in your journey as that is how I view my years as a single parent. And bloody hell what a shocker to enjoy your life and make a success of it after your marriage disintegrated. That other people cannot see that the ability to come out the other side of life’s challenges is something to be celebrated; an achievement, is utterly baffling. This is not tantamount to glorification or encouraging others to divorce. I wouldn’t dignify the negativity with a response ????????

I am feeling so sad about my divorce right now. We separated over two years ago and made it official early last year. It was the right decision, I know that in my heart, but I find it so incredibly lonely raising the kids separately. I wish he was here to make the kids laugh while I make dinner or do the dishes so I could put the kids to bed without that nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me what still needs to be done before I can relax. Some days it’s fine – the kids and I are in tune and we make it through the day just fine – but most days I feel like we’re ready to kill each other. Our marriage was not great but this isn’t great either. I find your blog so inspiring and it gives me hope that my situation and outlook will improve.