Thursday, June 12, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A NASA scientist claims that faster than light travel is possible that would make a trip to Alpha Centauri in only two weeks. Which is a pretty bold forecast for a group that hasn’t been able to get back to the Moon in the last 45 years.

A couple was arrested for having sex in the water at a New Jersey beach. Apparently they figured any STDs they might be transmitting could be cured if they stepped on the right hypodermic needle.

A couple was arrested for having sex in the water at a New Jersey beach. The sad part was when they were informed that auditions for “Jersey Shore” ended years ago.

A Florida man was arrested after offering a prostitute a salad in exchange for sex. He is hoping that when it gets to court his case will be tossed.

A Florida man was arrested after offering a prostitute a salad in exchange for sex. Apparently he couldn’t convince her he was worthy of being considered the main course.

A Florida man was arrested after offering a prostitute a salad in exchange for sex. Apparently he misunderstood when she offered to be part of a sandwich.

A college in New Jersey has started a food bank for struggling students. The school just wants to prepare graduates for what life will be like when their degree can’t get them a job and they are trying to pay off their tuition loans.

A report says the government of Iraq is on the brink of collapse. The only question is how will anyone be able to tell?

A report says that hackers are targeting home appliances, even toilets that are run by remote electronic devices. The worst part is when they try to hack into a toilet only to get an unexpected download.

A report says that climate change will cause more stress, anxiety and depression. Mostly for people who go out to the movies only to see the only tickets still available are to “An Inconvenient Truth 2.”

A report says that climate change will cause more stress, anxiety and depression. Mostly from watching the news and seeing reports of how climate change is going to kill us all.

A CDC app will help travelers avoid diarrhea. Apparently it works by letting people know in every language which restaurant signs translate into “Taco Bell.”

Washington, D.C. is considering a fitness tax on gyms. It is expected the new levy could raise as much as $23 a year.

Washington, D.C. is considering a fitness tax on gyms. If they really want to raise money in the nation’s capital they should just give a jar to each member of Congress and make them put a dollar into it each time they tell a lie.

Advocates for abuse by the clergy are calling for the Southern Baptist Convention to take steps to protect its members with internal reviews. Which means there is something in common that could finally end the differences between the Baptists and the Catholics.

An Arizona man was arrested for shooting a handgun at the Moon. Which puts him at about the same success rate as NASA without the billions of dollars of waste.

A trial is scheduled next month to see if Clippers owner Donald Sterling was properly removed from the family trust. The hardest part will be convincing a jury how “Donald Sterling” can ever be connected with the terms “family” and “trust.”

A trial is scheduled next month to see if Clippers owner Donald Sterling was properly removed from the family trust. The only problem is that finding a jury of peers for an 80 year old racist means the trial may have to be moved to Alabama.

Paula Deen is trying to make a comeback with an all digital entertainment network. If nothing else, the whole Donald Sterling thing makes anyone else ever accused of racism seem like no big deal.

Cabbies in Europe are taking part in a protest against the ride sharing app Uber by driving slowly through the streets with no passengers. Or as that is known in L.A., rush hour on the 405 Freeway.

Steve Forbes says the only way to fix the economy is to get back on the gold standard. Why would Congress agree to that when they can just print as much money as they want to spend now?

Target has hired a new security officer from GM. Apparently he is going to handle the credit breach by telling the hackers he is recalling all the credit card numbers they stole.

Target has hired a new security officer from GM. The idea is to reimburse all the people who lost money when their credit card numbers were hacked with a government bailout.

Toyota is recalling 766,000 vehicles because the contain faulty airbags that can blast out shrapnel. Defective cars sold in Detroit won’t be recalled as drivers there are used to dodging shrapnel every time they get behind the wheel.

A report says the deal for Pfizer to buy AstraZeneca died because of the company’s price tag of $117 Billion. Apparently even Pfizer couldn’t come up with enough Viagra to overcome that big of a mood killer.

Senator Elizabeth Warren’s bill to allow students to refinance college loans has died in the Senate. Apparently Congress is asking why students should be able to refinance their loans when they ca’t get anyone to help with the $17 Trillion in debt they ran up.

A heart disease “vaccine” has reportedly lowered the heart attack risk in mice. The study showed mice were able to withstand several attempts to sneak up behind them and yell “Meow!”

Dunkin’ Donuts says it is not entering the lunch market, and that its new 600 calorie sandwiches are just snacks. Mostly because to Dunkin’ Donut customers, 600 calories is about the amount of crumbs they usually leave on the floor.

A study at Northwestern University says that debt can lead to high blood pressure and poor health. The study involved Northwestern students who just got their latest bill for what they now owe on all their college tuition loans.

A study says that most people overestimate how hard they are working out. Especially the ones who think they are burning off a Big Mac and three Krispy Kremes by using their thumbs to scan through all 500 channels on their TV.

A study says that marriage boosts men’s life expectancy, but living with someone does not. Especially when the man is constantly under stress in trying to think of new excuses as to why they don’t need to get married right now.

A report says that House Majority Leader Eric Cantor spent more on steak houses than his opponent did on his entire campaign. Ironically, his opponent won by convincing voters he was more of a meat and potatoes kind of guy.

A report says that House Majority Leader Eric Cantor spent more on steak houses than his opponent did on his entire campaign. In an election like that, the stakes are always high but in this case the steaks were higher.

Former “Full House” star Dave Coulier has announced he is getting married. Apparently after 20 years he finally feels safe enough to come out of hiding and not worry about being ambushed by Alanis Morrisette.

Internet star Grumpy Cat will be featured in a new Lifetime holiday movie called “Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever.” The only possible worse holiday scenario would be sitting at home by yourself and watching “Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever.”

A judge has ruled that Casey Kasem’s daughter can withhold food from the ailing DJ. Mostly because he is worried Kasem’s wife’s idea of feeding him is throwing a package of frozen hamburger meat his direction.

Khloe Kardashian’s family is reportedly worried that her boyfriend French Montana is using her for her fame. Sort of like she is using her sister for fame, and her mother is using all of them for fame yet no one knows why any of them are famous.

Khloe Kardashian’s family is reportedly worried that her boyfriend rapper French Montana is using her for her fame. Although being a rapper, if he wanted to use her for fame he would have shot her by now.

Floyd Mayweather made $105 Million for just 72 minutes of work last year. Who does he think he is, some kind of Wall Street CEO?

Floyd Mayweather made $105 Million for 72 minutes of work last year. Even Adam Sandler is saying that’s a lot of money for just showing up.

Floyd Mayweather made $105 Million for just 72 minutes of work last year. Or as Congress calls that, a pretty good fundraiser.

Donald Serling’s mental health will be the focus of the case against his wife to remove him from the family trust. Although his team of lawyers may make her mental health an issue, showing she must be crazy to still be married to Donald Sterling.

U.S. World Cup coach Jurgen Klinsmann says his team has no chance of winning. To which the managers and coaches of the Cubs, Jaguars and Cavaliers were surprised. “It’s OK to say that?”

Daytona International Speedway says it wants to host a Jacksonville Jaguars football game. Apparently NASCAR feels something in common with the team as they both spin their wheels while just going around in a circle.

The Miami Heat is reportedly interested in trying to sign free agent Carmelo Anthony. Apparently their “Big 3” are having too much trouble keeping up with San Antonio’s “Decrepit 5.”

LeBron James reportedly made $30 Million on the sale of Beats Electronics to Apple. The word is his favorite music group to listen to on the headphones is “The Cramps.”

Yahoo says that Brazil will win the World Cup this year. Although to be honest, their researchers looked it up on Google.

A British company has unveiled the world’s largest TV at 370 inches with a price tag of $1.7 Million. The only problem is that the only people who bought one so far brought it back for a refund right after the Super Bowl.

An analyst says the demise of Radio Shack is “inevitable.” Millions of people were shocked at the news. Radio Shack is still in business?

Google’s top engineer says that computers will be like humans by 2029. Or in the case of engineers who work for Google, by 2014.

Bic says it hopes to make a universal font based on everyone’s handwriting. Apparently the style they will use will be based on handwriting samples from the three people who still know how to write in cursive.

Microsoft’s Bing is scientifically predicting with algorithms that the U.S. is doomed in the World Cup. And what system could be better used to predict disaster than the one that is run by Windows 8?

A report says the most influential historical person on Wikipedia is Carl Linnaeus, who invented the system used to classify plants and animals. Mostly from people searching the Internet to find out where Carrot Top got his name.

A report says the most influential historical person on Wikipedia is Carl Linnaeus, who invented the system used to classify plants and animals. Interestingly enough, the least searched subject on Wikipedia is “Carl Linnaeus.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tonight is Game 4 of the NBA Finals between the Miami Heat and the San Antonio Spurs. Not to say San Antonio’s players are getting a little old, but the game might have to be delayed with the Spurs needing extra time to get into the arena in Miami because there is no wheelchair access. Between the age of the Spurs and LeBron James’ cramping, since they are already in Miami they might just scrap the basketball and bring out the shuffleboard paddles. The only thing older than the Spurs at this point is the NBA season. Will you all be watching? Me neither. Instead, I will hopefully be reading all the notes from all of you who are using that time to send the love!