Tuesday, June 29, 2010

BIGFOOT. Enigmatic. Mysterious. Big Feet. Those are the things you probably think about when considering bigfoot. Me however? I think Science Destroying Alien Genetic Tampering Sillybuggers. Because as soon as I find one of these bigfeet, I can prove that science is a sham and aliens created the human race. Then I can go down in history as that dickhead who ruined everything.

So let's search!!

Day One: Well above all other things I am fucking lazy. Thus, I decided to search my backyard for bigfoot just in case it was there and I didn't have to go anywhere else on annoyingly long journeys. I had never seen an 8 foot tall hominoid lurking in my small yard ever before but what the fuck, I was still optimistic. So it went out there... and I did find a creature and immediately snapped off a photo. Unfortunately it was a small black cat called Smudge who I was already familiar with. I mean, sure I could show a scientist a picture of my cat and say "here proof that aliens manipulated our DNA"... but then I'd be a laughing stock.

Day Two: Okay so Bigfeet don't have a proclivity to hang around outside my house. But I do have a plan B! My nana's house in Birkenhead is on the borders of LeRoy's bush, a likely haven for hominoid activity!! So I go over there, ignoring the fact that my nana doesn't live there anymore and the people living in their house freaked out that someone was breaking in. Ah well, fuck em. So I pried around in the bush, looking for suspicious footprints. However, the only ones I found had a freaking Nike logo on them. DAMN YOU NIKE. PROBABLY SCARING AWAY BIGFOOT YOU SMARMY MOTHER FUCKERS. MULTINATIONAL CORPORATIONS ARE DESTROYING OUR WORLD. Ahem, excuse me. So I had stayed in this stupid bush all day and all I found were old people out for walks. I thought they may be bigfoot in disguise so I pulled at their wrinkles thinking it was some mask. It wasn't. I'm due in court in September.

Day Three: I went on the bus into town. Looked around central Auckland City. Actually I just went in there to buy metal albums from JB Hi-Fi. I thought, you know, if Bigfoot liked cruising round town, some Auckland city bogan probably would have noticed him by now. But judging by the people who hang around in town, that's probably doubtful. Bottom line, I didn't find bigfoot. Running out of ideas here.

Day Four: Okay the only other place I can think of is the Southern Alps in the South Island. But that is fucking cold. And it probably wouldn't be Bigfoot that I'd find, it'd probably be the Abominable Snowman. Which would be equally science exploding, but still, I don't trust fucking snowmen. Usually they have carrots for noses, and that just freaks me out.

Day Five: Okay it's time to find some EXPERT advice on the matter. Juelles tells me she has a sneaking suspicion that I can find bigfoot hiding in flocks of sheep. Well, she's an expert at looking beautiful and bringing democracy to Iran, not bigfoot, but I'm assuming that's just a technicality. So I get on the bus up to Albany, where the nearest flocks of sheep are hanging out. I immediately spot the flaw in this hypothesis (sorry Juelles!). Sheep tend to be white. Bigfoot are brown. Therefore a big huge brown hominoid amidst a flock of white sheep would be about as conspicuous as coming home to find a sea otter sitting on the couch watching tv. I did find a brown thing in between the sheep but it turned out to be a cow pat. Which I proceeded to step in. But wait?? Am I sure that it's cow pat?? It could be bigfoot droppings. I immediately send my shoe, encaked in shit to the scientific lab for analysis and go home on the bus with one foot looking like a dipshit. All in the name of the genetic tampering aliens people.

Day Six: While I wait for the results I turn to another expert, David Stewart who advises that he has knowledge a bigfoot makes residence on the top of the Auckland Sky Tower. Dave is an expert in Egyptology, so his brand of aliens are the ones who built the pyramids. I assume they are the same as the ones who genetically altered the human race because that is more acceptable according to Occam's Razor. What is not acceptable to Occam's Razor is how FUCKING WRONG Dave turned out to be. Seriously I went up there and the only thing on top of the skytower was some maintenance guys who obviously weren't as petrified of falling to their doom as I was. Now sure, Bigfoot may have donned a harness and mechanic's uniform and taken to repairing tower antennae. And fucking unicorns fly by my window on a regular basis.

Day Seven: Results back from the lab. They saw it's cow shit. Do I believe them? NO. BECAUSE THEY ARE SCIENTISTS. IF THEY ADMITTED HOMINOIDS EXISTED THEY WOULD LOSE THEIR JOBS. I SEE THROUGH YOU, YOU MONKEYS IN LAB COATS. IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE I FIND YOU BIGFOOT.... A MATTER OF TIME!!!!!!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

When people complain about meaningless shit. Seriously, not a day goes by when I'm not infected by someone with no fucking clue trying to explain to me why their first world problems are somehow noteworthy.

Get some damn perspective for God's sake. While you're whining your ass off about how your salary isnt enough to afford that flat screen tv you've been wanting, people in the Gaza strip are being turfed out of their homes with nowhere to go and living in squallor. While you're bleating about how the traffic is such a fucking inconvenience another family who cant afford to feed their kids is wondering what they're going to do to get by. Here's a hint. Unless your name happens to be A. Stewart, D. Jamieson or someone you love has died unexpectedly or you're losing your house dont expect me to give a shit when you cant put your banal trivialities in context.

And if you're dead set on making your own life miserable, at least don't screw over others by involving them in it. Your problems are like the world we see out there. Illusory, fake and total fabrications of reality. Be happy. Tell someone you love them and appreciate them. Don't waste our time and your energy complaining about things that dont matter.

Yes, that is a weird looking naked guy on the cover. Why?? Because that's what inspired musical geniuses do I suppose. I would likely have to label the opening song of this amazing journey as the greatest song ever written. 'Truth' is the musical equivalent of the creation of the universe. From there we go on a sonic journey that is explosive, all permeating and sometimes just plain insane. Some people may see it is a complete WTF of an album. I see it as a musical statement about life, the universe and everything on a grand scale. Magnificent.

Best Tracks: Truth, Bad Devil, Dynamics, Unity

3.

Pain of Salvation - BE

An epic concept album detailing the creation of universe, the establishment and collapse of mankind and the re-creation of a new God to start it all over again. So many styles here. Orchestral, metal, tribal music, jazz, classical and brilliant storytelling, lyrics and composition.

Best Tracks: Pluvius Aestivus, Iter Impius, Martius Nauticus II

4.

Anathema - A Natural Disaster

The second entry for Anathema on the list. Truly one of the most beautiful albums ever created. Haunting, emotional and soft this is an emotional experience. 'Closer' and 'Violence' are both pieces of art. 'Are You There?' may be the saddest song ever written. It's amazing. Listen to it.

Best Tracks: Closer, Are You There?, Electricity, Violence

5.

Devin Townsend - Ocean Machine

This album has the distinction of spending the most time on my top 10 list of all time favourites. It has that distinction because it's AWESOME. Devin Townsend is the greatest musical genius of our time, and he agains proves it here with an homage to the ocean itself. This guy can really capture a sound and an atmosphere like no other and the one two three song punch of Funeral into Bastard into The Death of Music is probably the greatest 3 song flow I've ever heard. Funeral starts quietly, a peaceful homage to a dead brother, then flows into Bastard which rips your head off with sheer heaviness, then flows into The Death of Music, which sounds like the musical equivalent of the aftermath of a tidal wave that swept away all life. Devin Townsend you are not human.

Best Tracks: Life, Funeral, Bastard, The Death of Music, Things Beyond Things

6.

Fates Warning - Disconnected

This album is an atmospheric masterclass. All the way through it sounds like the soundtrack of a disconnected futuristic wasteland. The emotional highpoint is the 16 minute 'Still remains' which is likely my favourite prog epic.

Best Tracks: Pieces of Me, Something from Nothing, Still Remains, Disconnected Part 2

7.

Marillion - Marbles

If you are a pop music fan, then THIS is the album I would play you to convert you. Because it is a masterclass of soft, emotional, catchy and deep stuff that I think can be appreciated by everyone. This album has some of the most beautiful music I've ever heard and flows seamlessly from start to finish, and what a finish it is with 12 minute tribute to love 'Neverland' capping off the journey.

Prog/Folk/Melodic Death Metal this is a truly stunning album with folk touches telling a story from the ancient Finnish book of legends the Kalevala. This is also second in a truly legendary string of three albums by this amazing band that also includes the brilliant Eclipse and the awe inspiring Skyforger.

Best Tracks: A Servant, Silent Waters, Her Alone, Shaman

Yes I know it's only been 8, but I have to run cause the All Blacks game is about to kick off!! ;)

Thursday, June 17, 2010

As I mentioned before; Anathema's 'We're Here Because We're Here' is my most anticipated album in a long time... so does it live up to the hype?

YES.

This is not just music. This is a spiritual experience. It brought me to tears with its beauty on 3 different occasions and had me on the brink three times more. After only one listen (which is unheard of for me), I am placing it above every other album in my 400+ album collection, with a bullet.

Just as my former number one album Pain of Salvation's 'Remedy Lane' defined me as a person during the last phase of my life, this one will define me for the remainder of my life. It sums up everything that I believe to be true, and the infinite power of unconditional love and seeing God in the eyes of another. I suspect that for someone accustomed to pop music or mainstream stuff with repetitive song structures and the like it would take a good 10 or so listens of this for it to reveal itself fully to you. Read these words to the final song 'Hindsight' and you will understand why I cried like a newborn.

Hindsight

Intangible. Eternal. Without beginning nor end. The nameless, formless energy that permeates all living things. That sweeps through nature like a ripple in an ocean, sending cascades of timeless wonder through the air, on the song of a bird, the freshness of the morning air. A clear calling for our inner nature to awaken beyond our every day lives, and fears. Love is timeless, love is purity. It is the lightless light, the rays of the sunrise dancing on the surface of the sea. Love is you, and love is me. It is the deepest knowing, the serenity of being, the laughter of the earth, the limitless breath of the wind, the wonder of potential, the power of thought, the gift of life, the highest vibration, the most profound awareness... the knower. Life. Love. Infinite. Within you. Now. Always.

For it is in love's gentle embrace that we come to know the space between us. A feeling deep within that not all is what it seems. that we bear witness to a magic as deep as our own, to a summernight horizon that whispers "welcome" to your soul. And in those fleeting, trembling moments that we share between the worlds, it is enough for us to know that in each other we must care, for alive and not alone are we the children of the world, here to witness time and the unfolding miracle of the soul.

There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer. There is no disease that enough love cannot heal, No door that enough love will not open, No gulf that enough love will not bridge, and no war that enough love will not throw down. It makes no difference how deeply seated may be the trouble, how hopeless the outcome, how muddled the tangle, how great the mistake. A sufficient realization of love will dissolve it all. And if you could love enough, you would be the happiest and most powerful person in the world."

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Time is speeding up. Don't tell me you haven't noticed it, because EVERYONE has. Seriously, where has this year gone?? As a matter of fact, where have the last 2-3 years gone?? I swear there is more to this phenomenon than time seeming to go faster when you get older. I've asked people far younger and far older than me and they all agree something weird is going on with time.

I would estimate that what used to be a 24 hour day is now only about 16 hours. Something big is going down in the world/universe. I'd bet my house on it.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I love this show. It's the perfect satire of what married life is like ie. the people involved growing to hate rather than love one another due to the restrictions, codes of conduct and financial pressures of marriage.

It was so successful because everyone could relate to someone in the family. Downtrodden Al Bundy working at the shoe store reflecting vainly on past glories. Slack Peg Bundy wanting more attention from her husband, hanging out on the couch all day and doing nothing while her husband is off supporting her useless ass. Horny ass loser son Bud and hot slut daughter Kelly as dumb as rocks. Great stuff ;)

Monday, June 7, 2010

Friday, June 4, 2010

1. Scientists are baffled. All the time. Seriously every new thing you see on the news is ALWAYS followed by the words "Scientists are baffled." A new fossil was dug up in West Jimbuckistan. It doesn't fit with the timeline scientists believe happened. Scientists are baffled. Old man goes without food and water for 18 days. Scientists are baffled. Jupiter loses one of it's stripes. Scientists are baffled. What appears to be a UFO streaking through space appears on Hubble image. Scientists attempt to write it off as the result of a meteor collision. Normal guy points out that its in FUCKING SPACE and meteor collisions in fucking space can't produce a trail of burning plasma behind it. Scientists are baffled. Scientists report being baffled. Scientists are baffled at the fact that scientists are baffled. Report indicates scientists have a proclivity to being baffled. Scientists are baffled. What the hell are they good for?

2. I'm teaching my English students the art of argument, how to think on the spot and counter unexpected developments. Thus we are having a debate on Monday concerning the topic 'Boys are superior to girls'. I am on the negative team. I'm going to crush them. We aren't fit to lick girls feet.

4. Can someone tell me why Coke Zero and Diet Coke are still on the market together? I just don't get it.

5. I have nine months to kill. Time to go into hermit mode and write my next book. It's going to be fucking awesome.

6. Another topic I have planned for the English Student debate is: 'Pop music is relevant and worthwhile' (funnily enough, I'm on the negative team).

7. I went in to McDonalds the other day to see if I could get a look at them preparing their fucking Big Mac Special Sauce of never ending mystery. They found me hiding behind trays of buns and kicked me out. I still don't know what the damn special sauce is made out of.

8. There's a dance rave thing called 'Chemistry' on over here soon. I despise raves and dance music with all my heart and soul but I vow if they ever name one of them 'Quantum Physics' I will be so fucking there.

9. I will break out my signature dance for the occasion. 'The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle'. As in, everyone around will be uncertain as to whether I'm dancing or having a seizure.

10. The day my blog gets 20,000 views is probably the day hell freezes over.

11. I guess it doesn't help that I'm a skinny white guy from the ass end of nowhere and thus will get zero views based on my inherent visual desirability.

12. Okay so the BP oil spill. Are we going to get over this whole oil thing yet?? Let me guess. No.

13. Speaking of the oil spill. Let's analyse the sequence of events here. BP fuck up. Oil starts going fucking everywhere. BP thinks 'Oh shit'. BP gets the world's finest scientific minds to come up with a solution. They decide to fire golf balls into it to plug the leak. Fuck. What was the appeal with scientists again?? Then fucking Clint Eastwood or whoever comes along and says "Here, I made this gizmo in my spare time, it sucks up oil and shits out diamonds". Fucking scientists.

14. I have 2600 emails in my inbox.

15. 2595 of them are along the lines of "Your amazon.com order has shipped", "Grow your penis naturally using supplements" and "Forward this to 20 people and your penis will grow naturally with supplements"

16. 5 are actual emails from people who I want to read.

17. That's not recent either. That's the collection of my last 3 years worth of emails. I never get around to deleting them.

18. Headline news in this country was our Prime Minister saying at a press conference that he went and got a vasectomy. Nope, Israel commandeering a vessel with aid for people in poverty and North Korea on the verge of war with the South obviously aren't important. We need to hear about John Key shooting blanks!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

To say I have high hopes for this album is an understatement. Their last album 'A Natural Disaster' is one of the most moving pieces of art ever produced. One look at the STUNNING album art and the amazing title shows that this album will live up to the expectation. Of course people's whose idea of good music is Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears or fucking Fall Out Boy need not apply ;)

Today was my final test for my Honours degree. It's over. It was a fantastic intellectual journey, with great people and it taught me that I can hang at the highest level. I am far prouder of this than my undergraduate degree, as I feel like I earned this with my own individuality and intelligence.