a big bag of sneers

Sneereal Estate: Entreprenerds Edition

You know how when you’re bored, you spend your time browsing Kickstart projects, PetFinder cuties, and terrible pop culture products on Etsy? Well here is a new spiral to focus on while you drag yourself further and further from reality. Further from reality and closer to realty!

Sure you can check for apartments and houses you’ll never buy on Zillow or whatever local real estate company, but while we’re dreaming, let’s go big or go home, as they say. We’ve of course told you about our plans for a deli or multiple delis. Here are our new plans as of however recently we found these great listings that we want very much. Each will have a cat wandering around, we have a lot of cats to place. This plan actually all started because we were talking about how shop cats are great, and that we have too many cats, and then how if we had a store (or stores) we could technically have more cats. This then immediately led us to planning for businesses we will start and then plant our friends there so that they may grow as vast and robust as our fortunes definitely will.

Occult Shop

Kevin can live in the two story loft-style apartment here in Covington, KY, that seems to have walls that join at uncomfortable, non-Euclidian angles, which is perfect for a dwelling positioned above his infernal trinket shop of the damned. He will live with his two or more pet cats, but the shop will have at least one cat that is as black and sleek as his soul. He will sell books, scrying mirrors, antiquities, and mysterious artifacts. He hasn’t yet said what he will name the store but I hope it is something with obvious thelemic overtones that will signal to all like-minded people in the region that they should mosey on in here and spend big cash. We are here to make money, Kevin, not just to meet new people!

Old Timey Convenience Store

Everyone wants to own a corner store, right? This one is in Newport, KY, and is very cute. TOO cute. It was a hard decision between whether we would encourage the sale of classic convenience store items such as chips and lottery tickets, or if we would instead turn it into a shop reflecting our interests — which might not appeal to the people of the neighborhood at first… but people would probably be fine with traveling to the shop from miles around in order to buy a fine selection of teas and coffees, specific kinds of snacks and frozen foods, and stationery for some reason, among other things. Ultimately it will be up to Frant and Manny, our friends who would be stored in the two cute apartments upstairs. Maybe it will become a toy store. Olive will move in as the store cat, so it can’t be a store that sells ant colonies. She would knock them down and kill all the ants.

A Swanky Restaurant

Live-in chef, Saxon, can prepare a tasty menu of delicious appetizers, like bar tapas, for low prices in this already-established business in Newport, not far from our HQ. Then we will sell the patrons outrageous artisanal cocktails (unless we drink them all first). Also, depending on Saxon’s levels of energy, I guess there can be ridiculous fancy gourmet meals served by reservation only. NO walk-ins, you scum! On weekends, the event space will hold a DJ of our choosing and dance space for the clubbos in town, while on weeknights the event space will be used for after-work get-togethers, presentations, and meetups. We are very definitely going to try to pressure Saxon into naming this place “the Swank Puppy,” even though the only animals will probably be rescued pedigreed cats up in the penthouse on the third floor — probably Russian Blues, tbh.

A Small Department Store or Wait Maybe a Large Arts Center?

Is it possible to start a whole department store in this day and age? They seem to be dying out, so we might as well try! This six story building located in downtown Cincinnati has so much space, so much opportunity, that we can’t stop screaming with delight. I figure that we will rent space to businesses that we approve of which reflect our exquisite tastes and interests, and perhaps make a few apartments on the very top floor for our building manager, OMGJeremy. His years upon years of working in retail hell have built up a formidable experience portfolio. He will expertly navigate through the pitfalls and turmoil of managing probably as many as fifteen different shops. Yeah. Maybe they will all be our own shops, who says we can’t do that? Each can have a cat of our choosing, or one brought from the employees’ lives.

There will be at least one art gallery for Amandoll’s works, a Sneer Campaign gift shop, and lobby area which will have a ticket area for our tours. We can have two upper floors for additional gallery sections with two studio spaces for other local artists. Maybe one floor will have two studios and meeting rooms for art classes a and camp for children learning painting or crafts. The passenger elevator helps make it easy to get from floor to floor while the freight elevator will be useful for all of those massive marble statues Amandoll will learn to make. Does this sound better than or probably equally as profitable as a department store? Either way, get ready to complain about something new, Jeremy!

a Private Library

Of COURSE we need to make a private library and this building seems to have been built for exactly this purpose. Located very near City Hall on the edge of a wasteland of parking lots where probably there once stood blocks of houses exactly as gorgeous as this one, but then “the 70s” happened, we would renovate this house to its former 1800s glory and add as many tasteful bookshelves near the elegant fireplaces as we can. We would furnish it all with high quality mahogany desks, tables, and desk lamps, Victorian fainting couches and settees, ferns, vase stands, globes, and oriental rugs. We would also install cchris, a scholar, who would choose his own hours of operation, allow members when he wanted so that they could study what we had collected. What will our private library contain? It is highly selective, and even more highly secret. You want in on it? Fine, but you must pay $5,000 every year, but you will not be disappointed. There will be an elderly cat living out its best years in the house, and it will be just as snooty as the librarian.

Hip Hop Dance Studio

Located conveniently in the central business district, this commercial property can and will, with just a touch of elbow grease from paid contractors, turn into a three story temple of dance lessons. We will supply up to five alley cats that have been tamed, but the “dance with cats” section will not be the focal point of our lessons. They will surely provide us with viral videos and free advertising, but we wish to use the space mostly for someone else to teach various hip hop style from all of the best decades. The first lesson that I, myself, will be attending is the “B Like Cardi B” class.

Also, in an area of the second floor, there will be an area dedicated to breakdance. Breakdancers will gather nightly, and eventually this gorgeous building will be a mecca where they will gather semi-annually for competitions and reputation-building. We will also attract skilled teachers of other kinds of dancing, dating from the 1920s on. We don’t have any dance artist friends, but I am sure they will appear when we need them. We will be sure to create a third floor living space that we will be instantly jealous of, and we will covet it.