Liz- Season 4 | Episode: 1 Season 4 | Scene: The Akward Revelation
Has anybody seen my wallet? It's an L.L. Bean child's wallet from the 1 970s. There's no money in it, but I was one hole-punch away from a free Tasti D-Lite. Damn it to hell! I hate my life!

Idiots Are People Three!
[ Season 6 | Episode: 3 ]

They're still mad? We sent Elton and David a honey-baked ham, what more do they want?

Thomas Roberts:

I'm joined now by one gay rights advocate who isn't sure Jordan and NBC have learned their lesson. Devon Banks, welcome.

Devon Banks:

Thank you Dallas. I haven't seen you since Michael Kors's new year's eve masquerade.

Thomas Roberts:

Uh, I don't know what you're talking about.

Devon Banks:

Right. Let's dive in. [Winks and mouths "Hi Jack"]

Jack:

Banks!

Locked and Loaded

Criss:

Hey, try this. New recipe.

Liz:

Ooh, that's hot.

Criss:

How fresh is that dog? Yesterday, that was the face, feet, and colon of a pig. I'm so fired up Liz! I've got some cash now; I can finally make a down payment on a real food truck.

Liz:

Yeah, the van's not great.

Criss:

All right kids, who wants some? Get in my van! Is there a problem, officer?

Liz:

But you can't take that money.

Criss:

What? Why not?

Liz:

Because the guy who wrote you that check … he's my boss. And he doesn't really care about the hot dog truck or locally-sourced pig sweepings. He just needed an excuse to meet you.

Criss:

What a minute, you know Jack? Why would he want to pay $10,000 to meet me?

Liz:

Because I didn't want him to meet you. He inserts himself into my business whether I want him to or not, and now he's inserting himself into this.

Criss:

Well that's what she said, but why wouldn't you want me to meet him? … You're embarrassed of me?

Liz:

No! It's not me! It's him. I didn't want him to lecture me about how you don't have a job and your name is spelled wrong and you went to Wesleyan.

Criss:

Wesleyan is the Harvard of central Connecticut.

Liz:

Yale is the Harvard of central Connecticut.

Criss:

Had that locked and loaded, didn't you? Well, you know what? This isn't a Jack problem; I think this is a Liz problem because you wouldn't care what he thought unless you agreed with him. Like you're so perfect!

Liz:

Let's not do this.

Criss:

You don't say "cholesterol" correctly.

Liz:

Clo-res-to-rol.

Criss:

You're a 40-year-old woman who cheats at board games. You don't use the tab closures on cereal boxes.

Liz:

If you think those are doing anything to seal in freshness, you are living in a fantasy world pal!

Criss:

Forget it. This is a good day, Liz. I'm going to be in the park meditating. What would Jack say about that?

Liz:

He'd say, "Good god, Lemon!"

Criss:

Locked and loaded.

Liz:

Good god, Lemon.

Tip of the Iceberg

Jack:

I'll have you know that the last man to wear jeans in this office was named Theodore Wrangler, and you, Banks, could not even carry his trademark floor-length suede cape.

Devon Banks:

I was wondering when I'd hear from you Jack. Do you know what comes up on my phone when you call?

Jack:

Where did you get that? The only copy of that photograph is in Stephanie Seymour's safety deposit box.

Devon Banks:

You have bigger things to worry about, Jack. See, I've got you right where I want you.

Jack:

Really? You think you have leverage here? The news cycle is done with Tracy, they've moved on to a story about teenagers huffing other teenagers. Tracy's apology's been accepted by GLAAD and I don't even know what organization you're here representing.

Devon Banks:

We're new. We're called PEEN.

Jack:

And what is that an acronym for?

Devon Banks:

Acronym?

Jack:

OK, you've succeed in annoying me and wasting my time, but your fifteen minutes is up and you've got nothing.

Devon Banks:

Really? "Nothing"? See, that little Tracy Jordan gem that *I* leaked last night was just the tip of the iceberg, Jack, and NBC is the Titanic.

Jack:

The highest grossing movie of all time?

Devon Banks:

The boat! Not the movie! The boat! See, I've been following Tracy's stand up act for months now and if this gets out, every protected group in America's going to be picketing this network. Enjoy.

Jack:

Good god.

Devon Banks:

Oh is this the one about how Asians act on the subway? I know, I almost threw up the first time heard it. Oh this one's fun; starts out as a joke about our first Mexican president--

Jack:

My lord.

Devon Banks:

--And ends up as just a rant against women.

Jack:

No one can ever listen to this.

Tracy:

[on the video] and she had teeth down there!

Jack:

What do you want? Money? A Job?

Devon Banks:

This isn't a business play, Jack. I mean, what's the point? After going head to head with you for the last five years, I've ended up as a house husband in Brooklyn. You've won, Jack.

Jack:

So what are you saying?

Devon Banks:

I've given up trying to beat you in the boardroom, but there are still things I can make you do.

Jack:

All right, you can watch me shower but no touching.

Devon Banks:

No touching just makes it hotter. No, I'm after bigger game than you. See, you're a very influential man, Donaghy. You can still pull strings in the kinds of venerable institutions that still reject creeps like me. I want you to get my triplets into preschool … at St. Matthew's.

Jack:

Banks, that's impossible. Just last year, they rejected one of St. Matthew's actual descendants!

Devon Banks:

I know. I heard that during her interview she turned the class hamster into a dove! Good luck.

We Need A Distraction

Kelsey Grammer:

Pick up the mercury with the tape, bag it, then seal the bags. We'll drive everything out to the middle of Anson, roll the car into a swamp. We should take two cars. [checks Pete] You didn't tell me he was alive!

Jenna:

Well, of course he is! Pete's our friend, Kelsey.

Kelsey Grammer:

Damn it! No names!

Jenna:

We don't want him to die, but, more importantly, we don't want to be blamed for what's happened to him.

Kelsey Grammer:

It's been five hours since he's pressed an elevator button. His office is on this floor, isn't it?

Jenna:

Yes. But to get him there, you have to go through the backstage and the backstage is full of people.

Kelsey Grammer:

We need a distraction, something to clear the halls of TGS.

Jenna:

How much time will Kenneth and I have?

Kelsey Grammer:

I don't know. I've never done it before, baby.

A Brief Statement

Tracy:

I will make a brief statement on behalf of the idiot community, then I will open the floor for questions. Since its founding early this afternoon, the National Association for Zero Intolerance, or NAZI … We should change that.

Denise Richards:

It's fine.

Tracy:

We are outraged that the American bigot, Liz Lemon, has made no effort to reach out to us.

Liz:

Tracy, are you kidding me? I have been calling your cell all day.

Tracy:

My ringtone is the chicken dance. If I answer it, I won't hear the whole song!

Liz:

I have to go talk to Jack right now. Wait for me in my office.

Tracy:

Is there anything you would like to add?

Denise Richards:

These microphones look like black ice cream cones.

Tracy:

Thank you all for coming out.

Officially Disapproving

Criss:

Jack, I am giving you your money back.

Jack:

You can't tear up my checks, Criss, they're printed on Nixon's old bedsheets.

Criss:

Look, I don't understand your relationship with Liz--

Jack:

She's my suborda-friend.

Criss:

Well, she's my girlfriend and I'm not going to let you get inbetween us.

Jack:

Oh, it's a little late for that. You're not going to want to hear this but I am officially disapproving of you.

Criss:

Well, I'm sorry but I really don’t care what you think.

Jack:

That's really not how things work around here, Criss...ss.

Liz:

Damn it Criss, stop talking to him, it's a trap. You said I won, you said you wouldn't ask any more questions about Criss.

Jack:

I said I wouldn't ask *you* any more questions.

Liz:

Semantics! You had no right to come to my home, to trick Criss, to rearrange my bathroom.

Jack:

For the better!

Liz:

Yes, the basket of shells was a nice touch.

Jack:

But I’m afraid I have bad news, I just told Criss that I am officially disapproving.

Liz:

Oh no…

Criss:

Who cares?!

Jack:

Of course you're free to make your own decisions, Lemon. You can either pretend that you and I are not in agreement and continue this uh ... charade, or you can part ways with Criss now and go and find someone who will truly make you happy.

Criss:

I'm sorry, is this guy breaking up with me?

Jack:

Of course you and Criss can still be friends.

Criss:

OK, Liz, I guess you got a choice to make. You can listen to Jack, we call it quits, and I go back to sleeping on the floor of my uncle's mattress store or--

Liz:

You don't understand; he's in my head.

Criss:

OK, forget Jack. What does Liz think? Hmm? What do you want? Do you want to be with me or not?

Jack:

Don't look at me, ask her.

Liz:

I don't know, Liz. It's going to go wrong eventually, right? I mean, I like him, but what are we doing here?

Jack:

Really? This is how you see yourself?

Liz:

Of course, I pick you Criss ... if you would just address some of the issues that we as a group have been talking about.

Criss:

Unbelievable.

Jack:

Well I have to go get a bunch of gaybies into preschool before we all get sued so uh … well done, Lemon.

Good Friends

Jack:

… so then he says "teeth down there?"

Devon Banks:

Good one Jack! I tell you, friendship is the one kind of ship that never sinks.

Jack:

Douglas, so good to see you. Do you know my friend, Devon Banks?

Man:

Friend of Donaghy's eh? I'll, uh, watch my wallet.

Devon Banks:

Yes, yes! Very good Douglas, very funny, so now we're all good friends and good friends do favors for each other.

Jack:

Is that a St. Matthew's tie? I didn't know you went there.

Man:

Not only did I go there, I happen to be president of the board, although during my financial report, I may be president of the bored.

Jack:

St. Matthew's is such a wonderful school, we were just talking about that. In fact, Devon's triplets are applying to St. Matthew's right now.

Man:

I see … Splendid. On a totally unrelated topic, did you know that I'm also on the board of the Manhattan Hospital for Rich Whites and Assimilated Jews?

Jack:

I did not know that.

Man:

Unfortunately, shortly before Don Geiss died, the Geiss Foundation made a sizable pledge to the hospital, a pledge which, sadly, has not been fulfilled.

Jack:

What a coincidence because Devon and I happen to know the new chair of the Geiss Foundation quite well.

Man:

That *is* a coincidence.

NBC's New Mascot

Jack:

Kathy, are you ready to come out now? There she is!

Devon Banks:

Hey you! Hey funny!

Jack:

Kathy, I know this is a lot to take in but your father made a promise to my friend, so what can we do to get that check right now? And that's why I'm so thrilled to introduce NBC's new mascot, Magelica the Unicorn.

Devon Banks:

It's wonderous.

Jack:

Uh, indeed. Back to you, Thomas.

Thomas Roberts:

O…K. We now return to our coverage of that train derailment in California.

Make This Go Away

Denise Richards:

And idiots can do anything we put our minds to. I played a nuclear psychiatrist in a James Bonk movie.

Liz:

Look, what do I need to do to make this go away?

Tracy:

I want you to call my phone so I can hear the chicken dance again.

Denise Richards:

And I want the video for my new single to play on TGS this week. [singing] La piscine, j'adore la piscine. Towels, sunscreen, bathing suits, diving boards and towels. Those ladders, towels.

Liz:

Can you make it sixteen minutes long? We're a bit short this week.

Denise Richards:

I'll try to cut it down.

Tracy:

But above all, we want you to recognize who we are as a community. Idiots aren't just strippers or stay-at-home-moms, idiots are all around us.

Jenna:

I couldn't find a Lincoln hat, so I grabbed this chimney sweep hat instead.

Kelsey Grammer:

If anyone notices, we're dead.

Tracy:

So it would mean a lot if you apologize publicly, Liz Lemon. Let the healing begin. And since you wrote my apology, we went ahead and wrote yours.

Denise Richards:

Careful. Careful.

Out of the Game

Devon Banks:

Who designed your bathroom? It's exquisite.

Jack:

I did, you son of a bitch. I'm excellent at rearranging bathrooms. Now get out of here, you got what you wanted.

Devon Banks:

I just wanted to say thank you Jack, very impressive. Can't imagine that your boss, Hank Hooper, was all that happy about the … logo change.

Jack:

We'll see. Our new slogan: "NBC: We have a magical horse" is testing, uh … OK.

Devon Banks:

Oh, I also wanted to say that I was lying when I said this wasn't a business play.

Jack:

Banks, you're out of the game.

Devon Banks:

That's true, and I've admitted defeat … for our generation. But for the next generation, well thanks to you, the Banks boys are way ahead. All the favors that you called in, you would have used next year for little Libby.

Jack:

Liddy.

Devon Banks:

Is that even a name? In Brooklyn, I know like six Libby's--doesn't matter. You just mortgaged your daughter's future to get out of a little jam at work. My mommy and me group would really judge your parenting. Especially Libby's mother. Which Libby? Libby D.

Jack:

My god. Liddy might have to go to public school.

Devon Banks:

See you in thirty years, Jack. I wonder what Liddy will be doing with her degree from SUNY --

Jack:

Don't even say it.

Devon Banks:

--Oneonta. [to Jonathan] You! Jacket!

Very Authentic

Kelsey Grammer:

Well, hello there. Welcome to the White House. Fourscore and seven years …

Lutz:

What's with that hat?

Kenneth:

Oh I think it looks *very* authentic.

Lutz:

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Kelsey Grammer:

Very tart you say?

Pete:

Wha-? What's happening?

Jenna:

Shh. Pete, don't talk.

I'm Such An Idiot

Liz:

Wazzup? Yeah baby! I'm here today to apologize for my earlier comments. I used an offensive term to describe a group of people who made America the great .... continent that it is today. These kickass people have given the world countless, bodacious things like the birther movement, intelligent design, water parks--no, I will not endorse water parks, they are a cesspool of disease and people boo you when you walk back down the stairs. You know what you people have given the world? Girls Gone Wild, the Golden Globes, cans that tell you how cold beer is, Florida, Bratz dolls.

Tracy:

Oh I get it, she's naming awesome things.

Liz:

No, listen to me. Because of you, there may be an 'Entourage' movie.

Tracy:

Hug it out ma'am!

Crowd:

Turtle! Turtle! Turtle! Turtle! Turtle! Turtle!

Liz:

You know what, I give up. You should know better, but no, you're just going to keep on riding motorcycles, having unprotected sex, and voting against free healthcare. You will make the same self-destructive decisions over and over and you will *never* really be happy and your jaw will hurt all the time.

Criss:

Oh look at you! Perfect little wiener dog, you just need a little mustard on here like that, and then a little bun just--boop!--like that. Hahaha!

Liz:

No one will make you Deutsche pancakes or welcome you home smelling of hot dog water and onion, or let you break out of a jail when you play Monopoly. Oh my god, I'm such an idiot.

Crowd:

Yeah!

Denise Richards:

Want to make out?

Tracy:

No thank you.

A Play Within A Play

Kelsey Grammer:

Hot crowd. *Hot* crowd. We only got a minute before I have to get back out there. Act two is a play within a play.

Kenneth:

It's funny; in school, all you learn about Abraham Lincoln is that he was a gay alcoholic!

Kelsey Grammer:

Grab his feet.

Pete:

Kelsey Gram…

Kelsey Grammer:

Shh, shh. There you go. There you go. OK. OK. I've got to get back into character. HIT ME IN THE FACE!

Our Paths Diverged

Tracy:

What? I forgot to press a floor again. Hey! What's up Jackie-D?

Jack:

In a lot of ways, you and I had similar upbringings: terrible schools, broken homes.

Tracy:

Thinking basketball was the ticket out. Being wrong.

Jack:

At some point, our paths diverged, I went on to Princeton, business school, GE, and beyond.

Tracy:

And look at me! I spent all day creating a movement just to get back at Liz Lemon. Ahahaha! I said "creating a movement"! Hahahaha!

Jack:

The point is, excellence can come from anywhere.

Tracy:

It's the same with stupidity. In this country, anyone can be the next Jack Donaghy or the next Denise Richards.

Denise Richards:

This room is moving. Oh god…

See You In Thirty Years

Jack:

Banks. What are you still doing here?

Devon Banks:

My husband was supposed to pick me up at six o'clock but he can be such an idiot.

Jack:

I'm sure he can. Where did you go to school, Devon?

Devon Banks:

I had the best education in the world: private kindergarten where I got straight checkmarks; experimental boarding school in Carmel where the students teach the teachers and the teachers teach animals; year abroad on an all-male catamaran; and then on to Northwestern where I majored in Confidence. I had every educational advantage, Jack, just like my children will.

Jack:

But I beat you.

Devon Banks:

What?

Jack:

I beat you. I came from nothing but I caught up and crushed you, just like Liddy is going to crush your sons. She's already sorting objects by shape and color.

Devon Banks:

At eleven months? I don't think so.

Jack:

She can count to ten if you say "seven" for her.

Devon Banks:

She gets five and nine.

Jack:

She can say five words.

Devon Banks:

So?

Jack:

In Mandarin. They put her with the toddlers in her singing and clapping class at Fun Factory.

Devon Banks:

She's in orange group?

Jack:

She's already out of the Piaget sensorimotor stage.

Devon Banks:

That's impossible.

Jack:

She scored an sixty-two on the object permanence matrix.

Devon Banks:

But that's an adult score…

Jack:

And did I mention? She's using the potty.

Devon Banks:

Surely just for wee-wee?

Jack:

See you in thirty years, Banks.

Probationary Approval

Criss:

It's already, like, turning so I feel I don't have to turn it.

Liz:

Oh my god, mustard just came out my nose! Oh, it's burning the backs of my eyes! All right, I've got to go back to work. Bye.

Criss:

All right, OK. Oh it's burning my face now.

Jack:

All right, I'm putting you on probationary approval.

Criss:

OK, I don't really care …

Jack:

I'll tell you what changed my mind, Criss: a conversation I had with Tracy Jordan. You see, greatness can come from anywhere so if a poor boy from Boston can become … me, maybe you could become a suitable sex partner for Liz Lemon. You've got three months.

Criss:

But your opinion doesn't matter. You have no say in this! Ha-ha!

Kelsey Grammer Did This

Kelsey Grammer:

Liz, there's something wrong with Pete.

Liz:

Oh my god!

Pete:

I don't know what happened!

Liz:

Pete, I have been out there putting out fires all day while you've been hiding in here doing *this*? You're disgusting.

Really, Pete? Kelsey Grammer made you do this while he was performing his one-man show about Abraham Lincoln? Ugh!

Best Friends Gang

Kelsey Grammer:

Here's to another successful operation by the Best Friends Gang!

Jenna:

Hang on, I didn't notice before with all the excitement but I look incredibly beautiful! The lighting is back to normal!

Subhas:

The bulb switch just needed to be on, woman!

Kenneth:

The bulb wasn't even broken? None of this was necessary!

I'm a Ghost Now

Kelsey Grammer:

I know I've been successfully assassinated but I have one last thing to tell my country: Blackbeard's gold is buried in … I'm a ghost now, leaving behind my Earthly possesssions, and although I left my country divided by war, a *civil* war--

Lutz:

So that's where that name came from!

Kelsey Grammer:

--I know future generations will forge a stronger country and that someday America will be a place where everybody knows your name!