12 July 2017

I do not like the summertime. No, that's not precisely true. I like the green and growing things, fireflies, the sounds of crickets that sneak through my window at night. I like seeing the birds that gather in my neighborhood, the squirrels, the foxes, and other wildlife that venture into my suburban neighborhood (truth, they do that in all seasons). I like the fruit and vegetables, garden-grown, which are much easier to access and that actually taste like something. I like most of the aspects of the summertime.

I don't like the heat.

The last two days it's hit triple digits here on the eastern end of Kansas. It was 101ºF (or 38ºC) today. One-Hundred-and-Freaking-One Degrees Fahrenheit! So early in the summer too. This does not bode well for August, that's for damn sure.

It's exhausting, this heat. And here it comes with a humidity that seems to suck the moisture from your bones and throw it in the air. It's hard to breathe. It's hard to move. It's hard to think.

I don't do well in such heat, and long for the summers of my youth when 90ºF seemed stifling. I would not want to live anywhere hotter. And feel sorry for those that do.

Air conditioning helps, but in some ways it makes it worse too. The house smells . . . different. We can't open up the windows and air it out. Of course, we don't do that much anyway. My father hates nature and can't tolerate anything that reminds him of it, even a gentle breeze. I know, it's weird, but what do you expect from a man who hates music? He worships the television, though.

It's strange here in the summertime. The air is wet, it's like walking through soup, but the ground is dry and cracking. If I had a garden maybe it'd be better. I'd have a reason to water on the regular, and mulch to keep the soil from drying out too much. Maybe next year. I need to start it soon. Sooner than soon.

In other news:

Another disappointment on the job front. It's farcical at this point, really. Now I'm hearing things like, "You haven't had a full time job in years!" as reasons for the joylessness of my search. Well, yeah, because no one will freaking hire me!!! Whatever. I'll try again tomorrow. As always.

I've been negligent in my correspondences. A letter writer by nature and preference, I've fallen behind and have lost a letter I began to my best friend weeks ago. Sorry, Leanne! I'll catch up. I promise.

My allergy pills are useless this summer. That could be because allergens are more prolific, or the St. John's Wort I take to manage my depression is interfering with them (which is one of the side effects of St. John's Wort), or simply because I've been taking them too long (which is one of the side effects of being me). Whatever, I'll deal. At this point my mental health is more important to me than my physical comfort, so there's no way I'll stop the herbal help right now. OF COURSE it could be that my allergies aren't all that worse at all, but I've had a sinus infection. After the horrible experience I had last week, literally not being able to breathe through my nose, and having the inside of my face feel incredibly, painfully swollen, I'm guessing it's the latter. It's cleared up–for now–but I'm determined to succeed in quitting smoking to better my chancing of avoiding such a feeling in the future. Wish me luck!

Except for the few days in which I could barely breath—seriously, it was awful—I've started meditating daily. It's nice. It's something I need to keep up. I have to be very careful because I have a tendency to lose interest in things, or get distracted, or get frustrated and just give up. Which is probably why I have at least a dozen novels in various stages of completion, but none–not one!–even close to being done. I've got to change that, get better, focus. Hoping regular meditation will help. Plus it just takes the edge off life.

04 July 2017

I suppose it would be appropriate, since it is July 4th, to talk about my country, but I am so thoroughly freaked out by the politics and the malignant nationalism (read: white nationalism) that I find I don't have much to say. I don't understand the attitudes of people who don't believe in a living minimum wage, or health care for all, or rights for anyone who is not a rich, white, cisgendered, heterosexual, Christian man. Those people scare me. They scare me more than anything. And they especially scare me because so many of them have power—as in actual governmental power. Nor do I understand the folk that voted these fuckbuckets into that power. The lies they must tell themselves.

So though it is the 4th, I will not talk about how much I love my country, because I cannot. I am both disappointed in and frightened of (and for!) my country at this time, and, at this time, I'm not sure my feelings will ever be repaired.

Instead, I think I'll simply go on talking about myself and my life.

Let's get on with it, shall we?

Actually, things are not that bad. I mean, yeah, things are objectively horrible, but I'm in a pretty good place right now. I'm now been taking St. John's Wort for three months, and I can feel a marked change in my outlook and my ability to handle problems. This is good, because I keep having problems (e.g. my phone horribleness last week, and my continued inability to get a job). Whereas before the St. John's Wort I'd be a panicked wreck for at least a week after having to buy a new phone, with it I just bought the damn phone and adjusted my budget for the coming months. And, yes, I do mean months. It'll take me at least two months to absorb the cost and get back to normal, even with the extra hours I was lucky enough to be offered for the month of July. Oh, well.

Also, I'm now able to do more than one thing a day. Huzzah!

However, I'm now noticing all the things I've left undone for the last decade or so. I don't know how much is just gone, ruined beyond repair by my neglect, but I'm hoping to save a lot of it. Now, I'm not talking material possessions here–though there is some of that too–but the more ephemeral connections, strengths, and skills. I'm having to relearn things I once knew, things that once came naturally to me. It's frustrating work, made more difficult because I'm still struggling in literally every other aspect of my life.

It's terrible hard work rebuilding when you don't have solid ground to build on, you know? My life is so unstable still, but I have to do something. I have to try to build, to create some semblance of life. I can't just sit around waiting to die, but it seems that I've forgotten how to move. Mostly, I'm trying to focus on finding my way out of this hole I've dug myself. It's easier now, and I'm thanking the St. John's Wort for that, but it's still hard. I can't allow myself to think of the dreams I used to have which are lost now. That's still enough to break me.

On a positive note, I had a job interview last week. I couldn't say how it went. I'll be very disappointed if I don't get this job, though. It's in my field, and something I could very much enjoy. I find I have to stop myself from saying, "I doubt I'll get this job." Which I suppose is a bad sign. But when in the last 6 (SIX!!!) years have I had luck with jobs? I'm afraid that if I allow my hopes to rise and I don't get the job I'll be crushed. However, I know that if I remain pessimistic and am offered the job I'll be pleasantly surprised. I would so much rather be pleasantly surprised.