Title: It Was What I Wanted NowAuthor: nouveau_mondayPairing: Luke/NoahRating: AdultWord Count: 9kishSummary: Luke makes a request of Noah after the wedding is over and everyone should be sleeping.Spoilers: through the weddingDisclaimer: If I wrote for ATWT, this is what we all would have seen after the travesty which was Noah marrying Ameera while Luke watched.Notes: written for luke_noah's monthly challenge #1; "you belong to me". Lyrics of choice for the title with much thanks to Juice Newton and Angel of the Morning. Thank you so much to mightyten for being a great beta, especially when I whine all the time. And she's sick. And she still did this. Because she rocks.

Luke frowned at the piece of paper in Noah's hand and crossed his arms in front of him. Maybe he could make it spontaneously combust? His heart hurt. "It's pretty official looking."

Noah's eyes trained on the wedding certificate. "Signed sealed and delivered by the state of Illinois. No turning back now."

"This might be silly," Luke sighed. He knew he shouldn't make this confession. It was too soon, too real, too painful. "I still hope that one day we'll have one of those with our name on it."

Noah bit at his lip. "You and me both."

"Promise?" Luke wanted to ask a million unfair questions, demand a million unfair answers. Why did you do it? Why did I say yes? Why can't we elope to Massachusetts this very night?

Noah's cheeks hinted at a blush right below the surface. He dropped the paper in question like it was on fire and focused on Luke. "I do."

He leaned in to hug Noah. Those two tiny words had never felt so weighted, so ridiculously important. But they weren't his to hold, they had already been used, and even wrapped in the warmth of his boyfriend's arms, Luke felt a twisted shiver like a blade down his spine.

*****

Noah rubbed at his eyes. They were dry. And they itched. And his throat was sore. Not to mention that drinking the Jack Daniels had left a disgusting taste in his mouth. He scrubbed at his face with his hands, but it didn't help. Maybe a shower? Maybe aspirin? Maybe a gallon of water and a bottle of aspirin? Maybe he should stop being such a wimp and suck it up? He shook his head. His mouth still felt disgusting and his eyes must have held all the salt and none of the water from yet another god damned round of tears. He stumbled to the door as quietly as possible and headed to the bathroom to take a shower. And yeah, so if maybe he got to tiptoe past Luke's bedroom and hear him breathing, maybe that was an added benefit. After he brushed the roadkill or whatever off his teeth.

Noah sneaked his way down the hallway, careful not to trip on the carpet that ran the length of the hallway or step on any of the creakier floor beams. He saw a small spill of light under Luke's door. His hand traced the wood, came to rest against the metal that would open it. He closed his eyes, remembered the feel of Luke behind him, hand over his. Noah hadn't stepped foot back into the room since New Year's Eve. Too much temptation within four walls. He rubbed a palm over his heart to ease pain suddenly there and turned to trudge the last few steps into the bathroom. After, he promised himself, after, once the light was out, he'd just go and sit outside Luke's door for a while.

He brushed his teeth, popped aspirin and chugged as much water as he could. He wasn't sure that any of it had, or could, help. The light in Luke's room was off when he left the bathroom. Noah touched his fingers to the wall, the door, hated that they were so close and somehow farther than they'd ever been. He tried to leave but couldn't. He needed that extra time with Luke, even if Luke was on the other side of a doorway that seemed wider than the Sahara and more impossible to cross.

Noah sank to the floor. The wallpaper was cold against his skin where the back of his shirt caught on something. He wrapped his arms around his knees. The chill on the hard wood floor seeped into his skin through his pajama pants. He shivered, rested his head back against the wall behind him, sighed. A noise caught Noah's attention, and he made ready to bolt like he'd been on his way to the bathroom or something. But no one coming down the hall in either direction. He rubbed at his still sticky eyes. What was that sound? Noah shifted his head to the left once more and isolated it. Whatever it was, it was coming from Luke's room. He hadn't fallen asleep when he turned the light off. Or maybe Luke was having a nightmare? Noah inhaled. Fuck He sounded in pain. Could he have done something to his legs? Noah wrapped his fingers around the latch. He pushed down as gently as he could, stuck his head inside the door, but just his head, feet remained firmly planted outside in the hallway. "Luke? Baby, I thought I heard something? Are you okay?"

"Noah? What are you doing? Go away." The slight light of the hallway flashed on Luke's eyes as he rolled to face the door. It was gone soon enough. Noah thought he made out Luke shutting his eyes and turning away from the door. "I'll see you in the morning."

"I thought, I thought I heard something. That's why I opened the door. Did I imagine it? Thought maybe you'd had a nightmare or hurt yourself or something."

Luke's laugh sent bitter waves over Noah's flesh. "Pretty sure I did both, in a manner of speaking. Please Noah," his voice got lower, softer. "Can you just go?"

"Yes." Noah took another step, shut the door behind him, flipped on the light. "Yes, Luke, you can. Talk to me, please." He swallowed. Luke's shoulders were tense. His arms clutched a pillow to his front. His legs were curled up under the blankets, but Noah could tell Luke was curled practically fetal. "What happened?" He whispered. He moved to stand near Luke's head.

"I'm living a nightmare. And it hurts." His laugh was hollow, raw, awful. "Is that clear enough for you? Don't be stubborn. Just go. I'll be fine in the morning, promise." Luke's hand reached behind him to grab at Noah's but he didn't turn to face him. One squeeze, and then Luke returned to his pillow, never meeting Noah's gaze. "You need sleep as much as I do."

Noah reached out, wound his fingers through Luke's hair, rubbed his thumbs against the back of his skull and his neck. "Don't need sleep as much as I need to know you're okay. What hurts, baby, and why?" He wanted nothing more than to slip onto the bed and wrap himself around Luke, wanted to lick his neck, nibble his ear, then blow him until Luke was a melted puddle of lust and love, soaking Noah's tongue before sleeping contently. But it was Luke's room, and his grandmother was not far away. Well, okay, she was, but there were a lot of Snyders around ... and neither of them were exactly subtle under the best of circumstances.

Not that this was the best of circumstances.

Noah ran his tongue over his teeth. His mouth still felt dry and slightly sour. His dick was stupid hard, just seeing the bed. The damned tubing still wrapped around the bottom of the frame. He closed his eyes, kept massaging Luke's neck. "Please, Luke."

Luke shook off Noah's hands. "I don't know what to do," he confessed. His eyes, if they were open, stared at the wall. "I can't make sense of any of this, and I don't know what to do. I know what I want, maybe, a little bit, but," he shook his head. "I can't get there from here, not right now." Noah watched Luke's arms tighten on the pillow, his knees pulled up, making him look even younger. "Just, I don't know, stop asking Noah. If you don't ask, I don't have to tell you. So stop. Go back to your bed. We'll wake up and do chores in the morning and I'll be fine."

Noah frowned. Sure he would be fine in the morning. Right. "I don't believe you. You aren't fine. You were crying. Jesus, you lecture me about my feelings. Now it's my turn. Fucking tell me what's wrong and let me take care of you." Noah debated slapping himself. Swearing was sure to help the situation. How could he stick his foot so far down his throat and twist? "That didn't come out quite the way I intended. I'm sorry. I'm all in knots here."

*****

"You're in knots?" Luke shrugged Noah's hands off him and sat up. "How do you think I feel?" He fumbled for the bottle of water on the bedside table. Anything to give him time to pause, time to come up with an answer that was closer to the truth, if not totally honest. He swallowed cool liquid and bitter sadness. "Noah, you got married. To Ameera. My boyfriend just married a woman so she could get a green card. It's a complete joke and could get us in a lot of trouble if we got busted." He held a finger to Noah's lips, determined not to be interrupted. "On top of the thought of going back into the closet, watching you do the same, seeing you with another woman, I'm just trying to understand how it's okay for you to marry her, but not me." Luke closed his eyes. "It kills me." He drank rapidly, kicked at himself not to cry.

Noah shifted to sit on the edge of the bed. He held Luke's hand. "Don't you think I know that? I married Ameera because of the god damned Colonel. Trying to repair another life that he managed to ruin. Luke, I asked. If I'd known it was going to hurt you so much, I would have done something different. You told me you would be okay with this, that you understood my decision."

Like I had a choice? He twisted the cap on the bottle closed perhaps more viciously than intended. "I do understand your decision. There really weren't a lot of options considering how little time there was. She couldn't go back to Iraq. And I get all of that intellectually. But in my room, tonight, every time I close my eyes, there you are in your suit. You looked gorgeous today, and you were marrying someone else." Luke pressed his fingers into his eyelids. "I can't get the image out of my head." He leaned his forehead into Noah's shoulder. "It won't go away, Noah. It just won't."

Noah pet Luke's hair. "I didn't know, Luke. I didn't know. I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't know." He hugged Luke. "I don't want to hurt you more. I'll figure something out. We'll make it through this. I can go? I mean, if that would help?"

"It really wouldn't." Luke swallowed. "I don't now that I'll ever get the image of you and Ameera out of my head entirely, but I know what you can do right now." Luke cough before his voice cracked. He prayed this wouldn't screw everything up even more. God, what if Noah refused? His fingers whirled over Noah's back under his shirt, slipped around to press against muscles and hickeys he knew he'd left but couldn't see through the thin cotton. He stroked Noah's stomach, trained his eyes on Noah's feet. "I'm never gonna be your first marriage now. But I'd like, I'd like to be the first guy you're inside." He flicked his eyes up to Noah's, watched pupils widen and swallow the blue of his irises. "Please, Noah, tonight. Tonight all I want is for you to fuck me. I want to know that you're with me and no one else."

"Only you, baby. It's only you." Noah's fists clutched at Luke's shirt. The shudder that ran through Noah seemed more hungry than disgusted. Why wasn't he saying anything more specific? Maybe Luke had read the signals wrong? Noah's breath was rapid and ragged. His mouth opened slightly and Luke wanted to dive in. What was Noah thinking? Didn't he realize this was important? Earth to Noah. Luke worried his lower lip. "Umm, Noah?"

*****

Oh shit. He hadn't responded. Somewhere between Luke's request and forgetting everything but the burning path of blood to his dick, he hadn't spoken. How could Luke possibly even question that he would do this? If this is what Luke wanted, Noah would have at least tried it once. But this? This was what some of his best jerk off fantasies came from. Noah flushed. Okay, yeah, so he'd mostly come to terms with just how much he liked being on the receiving end. Still, what did it mean, really, when Luke said it? What was he really asking? Luke's teeth, bright white against damp nervous lips, were a distraction all their own without speaking Noah's name, without managing to make two syllables somehow innocent and completely filthy at the same time. "You have to ask?" He managed to say through his stricken throat.

Luke arched his eyebrows.

Noah cupped his hands around Luke's neck, thumb on his jaw under, under his ears. Giving himself up to Luke turned him on so fucking much, but the thought of Luke like that ... Luke naked, open, willing, wanting. Jesus. His dick was going to explode. "Are you sure, Luke? This is, hell, this is a big step." He swallowed. "I can't believe I'm going to say this, because Jesus yes i want this bad, but really? I don't want you doing this to prove something. Want you to do this because you really want it." Noah dropped kisses over Luke's forehead, his eyelids, sucked one of his earlobes between his teeth and nipped. Luke's soft purr comforted him. "I love it. The feel of you inside me. It's like nothing else. It's finding a home I didn't know I was missing," Noah breathed his explanation into Luke's ear. He shifted to look at him again, wanting Luke to really get what he was saying. "But you, you have a home and you have me. And I know that, baby. I know you've got me."

"I know I have you. I do. It doesn't change that. What I want to know is can you do this? Can you fuck me into the mattress right now, right here, while I scream your name?"

Shit. "No -" Luke's face dropped and he started to relax the grip he had on Noah. "Idiot." Noah tightened his hands on his boyfriend. Clearly he was going to have to be all tough guy about this. "Let a guy finish his sentence, would you? What I was going to say was no screaming. Jesus, we're at the farm and everyone's here." Noah blushed. "It's gonna be hard enough for me not to wake the dead. If both of us are that loud, some part of the Snyder clan is going to bust in thinking that I've murdered you in your sleep. I don't think I really want your family being a part of this. Do you?"

Luke's face lit up at Noah's words. I did that. I put that smile on his face and I never want to see anything else. He traced Luke's lower lip with his finger, watched his smile get impossibly bigger. "What am I going to do with you, Luke Snyder?" Noah dipped his tongue into Luke's dimple, re-traced the path of his fingers. He took advantage of Luke's laugh to slide his way into his mouth. Noah sucked at Luke's tongue, swept the sharp bite of Luke's teeth. He swirled his tongue around his boyfriend's. "I'll be real good to you. You'll see. Won't let it hurt at all," he promised into Luke's to-die-for mouth.

Noah pulled back. All the condoms, all the lube, everything was hidden away. None of it was upstairs. None of it was here. Noah didn't know if the rubbers were strictly necessary. They'd both swallowed and it had been almost a year since he'd been with Maddy. Luke had never ... Noah froze, struck once more by what was being asked of him. Could he do it? His stomach clenched. No way he was doing this without lube, and the extra lube on the condoms as well. "I'll take care of you, but all the stuff is downstairs. I've got stuff in my jeans, but I wasn't, I didn't, I mean, who knew this was going to happen tonight?"

"It's okay." Luke brushed a kiss over Noah's mouth. "And you're not the only one who can plan. I dug into your supplies after, umm, well, after that night at Yo's. I figured out I really wanted this here, in my bed, where we were the first time. Sat up the whole night thinking about you, actually."

"Really?" Noah smiled. "You have no idea how relieved that makes me. I felt so guilty. The Feds had grabbed Ameera. Who knew what was going to happen to her, y'know? But I was pretty useless. I mean, sure, I was plenty worried for her, but that's not what was keeping me up." Noah stroked his hands over Luke's arms. So strong. All his.

"Kept you up, huh? Maybe I didn't do as good a job as I intended to."

"Ha. Ha." Noah leaned forward, tipped Luke back against the pillows, imprisoned him beneath his arms. "You were wonderful. I couldn't stop thinking about your mouth, your throat, god, your lips around my dick. I've never seen or felt anything so obscenely beautiful." Luke's body under Noah's scorched his senses. "I'm gonna lock the door before this goes further. Where'd you stash the stuff in here?"

"In a shoe box. On top of the mini-fridge. Turn on the stereo as well. It should help, maybe, muffle some sound?" Luke's hips pressed up into Noah. His brown eyes were wide and desperate. "Noah. Hurry."

How do you tiptoe and hurry? He did the best he could at grabbing the shoe box, then turning to the stereo. His hands shook. It didn't matter what CD was playing as long as it was something that wasn't metal and wasn't going to make them want to kill themselves. Noah listened for a second, assured himself it wasn't too emo, and headed to the door. The bolt slid effortlessly into the lock even with his too thick, too clammy fingers. He remembered Luke's forethought from the week before.

"Why do you have a drill?"

"Had to install a lock." Luke had stuck out his tongue and winked, but Noah noticed how pink his ears were.

"What for?"

Luke had stepped forward, curled himself around Noah from the back. His dick settled against Noah's ass while his hands pet Noah's stomach. "Wanted a bolt on the door so we wouldn't get interrupted next time I manage to get you into my bedroom."

Noah laughed. "You're nuts. Not with your family here. They trust us."

"Yeah, they trust us to be smart and polite about sneaking around. They don't expect us not to do anything."

Noah ran his fingers over the lock, never more glad for a devious boyfriend. "I may have laughed at the time," he said. "But I'm so glad you put the lock on your -" His thoughts evaporated. His tongue swelled and went dry, even while drool collected in his mouth. He managed not to drop the shoe box. How he didn't know, but he managed. "-door." Noah's voiced cracked. "God, Luke, you're naked."

*****

"Sweet and observant as always. It's kinda cold, Noah. Come warm me up." It was more than a little nerve wracking to be completely without clothes when Noah was dressed. He could see a wet spot forming on his boyfriend's pants, but still, he was mostly dressed. Luke moved to shuffle himself under the covers.

"Nuh uh. No way. Stay right where you are." Noah placed the shoe box on the bedside table. His eyes met Luke's even as he grabbed his t-shirt at the neck to yank over his head. Luke watched the tremble in Noah's hands as he slipped off his pants. "If I'm doing this, I'm doing everything. You're not the only one of us with an imagination, Mr. Writer. " He looked almost like a hunting cat as he crawled onto the bed. "Plus, I know how to download porn as well as the next guy."

"I read that women actually read and watch much more gay male stuff than everyone else."

"Luke?" Noah shook his head.

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

"Right." Luke shivered. There was something about Noah being all growly and rough. It made Luke's breath quicken. His heart pounded a little bit louder as well.

Noah licked a lazy stripe from Luke's navel to his clavicle. He straddled his legs. Luke felt pinned and studied. He couldn't move and Noah just kept staring at him. Those blue eyes finally closed as Noah bent. Teeth grazed Luke's nipple and he couldn't help but whimper. I did not just make that noise! His dick pulsed in instant response. Pre-come made his stomach sticky when Noah switched to the other one.

"That's the point. I want you to feel so good, so relaxed, so loved." Noah moved backward, lapped at Luke's navel, his stomach, but not at his dick.

"Tease."

"Nah," Noah smiled as he crawled off him. "I think it's safe to say by now that I'm a sure thing where you're concerned."

Luke tried to catch his breath as he watched his boyfriend move. "Then where you going?" He knew Noah was a sure thing, knew he would take care of Luke like he took care of everyone. Noah tried to do the right thing always, storming blindly into messes because he only saw the initial right move and not later consequences. Without the weight and warmth of Noah's body, Luke's mind flashed pictures of Ameera in her dress and Noah in his suit. Fuck. Not now.

"Just wanted to get stuff on the bed and ready. See what you'd grabbed."

"A bit of everything."

"I see that." Luke could hear Noah rifling through the stuff. He heard the rip of the perforations between condoms. The flip of bottle caps. Noah sniffing at something. Scented lube, maybe?. Luke flushed at the thought. He wanted to turn his head, watch his boyfriend, but somehow knew that this was something Noah had to do by himself. He'd seemed to be all on board with everything, but Luke worried. He shifted a little, slid to leave Noah more room on the bed, centered himself. Was it unfair to ask this, tonight of all nights? Luke let his eyes drift up to the headboard, remembered himself kneeling over Noah's mouth. God. That night had been everything. Luke smiled, he'd taken and taken, and Noah loved it all. He bit his lip. Shit. Maybe he had pushed too soon, too much? It's not as though they weren't having incredible sex now, without asking Noah to pitch and not catch. There had to be better metaphors out there. "This is not hurrying."

Luke nodded. He shut his eyes. The warmth of Noah's bare chest against his nearly caused a second whimper, but he was not going to do that. Now was not the time for sounding girly. He turned to the right as Noah fumbled stuff under a pillow on his left.

"All good."

"Yeah?"

"Yep. You grabbed an excellent assortment. It's nice to not have to be the boyscout." Noah re-straddled Luke, slightly below the knees. "Can I just stare at you for awhile? Would that be okay? You're, god, so gorgeous."

Luke blushed. He hid his face behind his hands. "No. Am not."

"Yeah Luke, you really are. You're so brave, and so strong, and so fucking hot, and you're mine tonight. You belong to me." Noah wrapped his fingers around Luke's wrists, removed them from his face and locked them above Luke's head. Noah nuzzled at Luke's jaw. "Mine, mine, mine."

"Promise?" Luke's dick throbbed again, even while his heart panicked. It's all he wanted. All he needed. And fucking Ameera stood in the way. He wanted to kick himself. Why was he doubting this? What was wrong? Noah's teeth against his ear obliterated his fucked up interior monologue, but he knew it was going to come back soon if he didn't focus on what was going on in the here and now, when he could feel Noah's nipples hard against him and his dick rubbing into the dent of Luke's hip, sticky, silky heat.

"Promise." Noah ran his tongue across Luke's lip. "I'm not going to keep this up at this rate. Luke," Noah eyes caught Luke's, held them. "You trust me?"

"Always." And he did. He really did.

"I'm going to move, and I want you to roll over." Noah started to sit up.

"But, I wanted, want to see you when ..." Luke pouted, didn't want to, but couldn't help it.

"You will. We will. I want to, just," Noah's shrug intrigued Luke even as it sent lightening down his skin. "I want to make sure you're really ready for this." Noah paused, whispered softly, "That I'm really ready for this."

Luke groped at Noah's legs, wouldn't let him move. "If you're not ready, we don't have to do this. I'm not forcing you into something you don't want. I just won't." He'd say something, right? Noah wouldn't just do this because he felt guilty or something else equally stupid. Luke shook his head. I'm being a dumbass. He knew what he needed to say. "If it helps, I wouldn't have asked if I didn't think I wanted this with you. I trust you. With all of me. Trust you to do this."

*****

Noah couldn't help but laugh. "Do this? One minute I'm supposed to be screwing you through your bed, and the next minute you can't even say it?" Noah pulled Luke's hand to his mouth, bit the palm. He traced life and love lines with his tongue, sucked Luke's index and middle finger into his mouth. Satisfied at the heavy, uneven sounds of Luke's breath, Noah tongued at the space between his fingers before releasing them with an enthusiastic and wet suction sound. "Gonna turn over now, baby?"

Luke rotated, pillowed his head on his hands.

"Much better." Noah watched the tensing and shifting of Luke's muscles. He didn't normally get to see this side of Luke, wanted to memorize each swell, dip and freckle. He wanted to tattoo his initials on Luke's lower back, wanted to bite that perfect ass, place hickeys on his thighs. Noah couldn't remember ever having had a thing for feet, but he wanted more than anything to kiss Luke's toes and bite into his insteps. Which, he decided, seemed like a good place to start, really. At the bottom. Work his way up.

Noah crawled his way down the bed. He placed a hand around Luke's ankle and another at his knee. It was different from when Luke had been in the wheelchair. He shook his head. Don't think about that. Noah bent his boyfriend's leg slightly, sensed the confusion in Luke's body, but pushed ahead to place a kiss on each toe. How did someone manage to have pretty feet while working on a farm? And when had he become such a sappy romantic? Everything about Luke made Noah's world spin a little more off its axis.

From toes to arch, Noah massaged Luke's feet one at a time. Surprise ticklish spots ran close to pressure points that had Luke shoving himself into the mattress. All the while he made sounds that had Noah trying to remember how to count in Japanese as a distraction. He watched Luke shift to white knuckle a pillow as Noah licked across his instep. Luke almost shot off the bed when teeth followed tongue.

"No - ah," Luke sighed.

"Right here." Noah released his boyfriend's feet. He straddled Luke's lower legs, barely stopped himself from coming as his dick grazed the back of Luke's knee. Ichi ... Ni ... San ... Shi ... The fuck came after Shi? Noah's hand squeezed and kneaded tension out of Luke's thighs. "Feel relaxed?"

"God, yes," Luke purred.

"Good." Noah inched his hands up toward Luke's ass. He saw Luke tense. That would never do. He adjusted himself forward. You cannot fuck him into next week. Yet. That would hurt. A lot. Damnit. His dick inches away from ... Noah didn't even know, couldn't imagine. "Want you so much."

"Nope. My rules tonight. And I say lots of foreplay." Noah braces his arms by Luke's shoulders. He eased his chest against his boyfriends back, skin to skin, heat to heat. "I want to memorize every inch of you, touch you, fucking taste you from head to toe."

*****

"Taste?"

Noah's laughter dripped dirty sex. "Yes." He bit Luke's ear, rocked his dick into the curve of his ass. "Wanna know all of you, baby."

Luke flexed his toes, even as he drew his heels up. His stomach wobbled. Not in a bad way. "Oh." What did Noah -? Not -? Luke's eyes widened. He grabbed for the pillow again, rolled his shoulders when Noah reached for whatever he'd put on the bed.

"This may be cold for a moment," Noah warned.

"Okay?" Luke clenched a little. He squeaked anyway.

"I tried to warn you."

"Doesn't stop it from being cold!" But then Noah's hands were there and whatever he'd poured onto Luke's back melted into his skin. Alternating between cold puddles and a brain frying massage, Luke wasn't sure if he was coming or going. All rational though vanished. Nothing existed outside of his skin and the weight of Noah rubbed up against him until the scent of strawberries permeated the air. Luke sniffed. "You bought scented oil, really? How did I miss that I'd grabbed that?" He'd managed coherent thought. Who knew that was possible?

Noah scooped his his thumbs under Luke's shoulder blades with just the right force. "Dunno. Guess I'm just lucky."

"You're lucky?"

"Oh yeah." There was that laugh again. Filthy promise, thick like molasses. Noah flipped the plastic cap again. Luke felt Noah kneel up, move back. His knees and calves remained captured under Noah, but that was all. Luke missed the warmth, the sensation of being blanketed by a warm body.

Anticipation short circuited Luke's ability to think. His back rolled under the thin ribbon of cool oil that ran between his shoulder blades and followed his spine. He inhaled when that same strawberry ribbon continued to drop onto his ass and pool against his hole. Fuck. I don't know if I'm ready for ...

But then there was a tongue lapping down the nape of his neck. Noah followed that same strawberry path with kitten licks and the scrape of teeth. Luke knew his body writhed under his boyfriend. Noah continued to hold on, hands against Luke's sides with just enough pressure to control his movements, until he reached the dip of Luke's lower back. "It's edible as well as scented."

"Uh huh." Really, what else was there to say? Oh yeah, wait, apparently Luke could moan as well, maybe bite at his own arm to try and keep quiet because Noah was there with slightly sticky, stupidly hot hands, thumbs parting his ass. A breath of cool air brushed across sensitive, newly exposed skin. "Fuck."

"That's the idea." Noah's whispered words hovered against Luke, only to be replaced by his mouth.

*****

Noah knew he moaned, but how could he not? Strawberry, sweat, and something so insanely Luke. Luke, but exponentially more so. Luke raw and pure and perfect. Noah buried his tongue further, dipping in to circle delicate skin. Luke was damn near silent, which once Noah noticed, after he'd given in to the urge to leave a skin-sucked bruise at the top of Luke's ass and licked his way back to where he held him open, back to where his fingers and dick ached to enter, concerned him. "Tell me this isn't too much. Tell me it's as good for you as it is for me. Please." His finger traced the trail of his mouth, pushed further, afraid to hurt but needing so much more.

"Not. Too. Much. Noah. Not. Enough."

"You're so quiet. So beautiful. So fucking hot. Mine." His mouth felt graceless, too caught up in it's own stupid need to organize thought into action. His dick had gone beyond throbbing awareness, beyond zero to sixty, hovered somewhere in the realm of potentially going to explode from sperm overload if he didn't do something soon. But damn, he wanted to continue just the way he was. Noah stretched his arms as long as they could, drew red tracks in Luke's skin while he let himself enjoy the heat and tight of Luke clamped around his tongue. He pressed in as far as he could go, twirled his tongue as best he could. More, now, more. Forever.

He fumbled for the lube and slicked his fingers. Please don't let this hurt, he prayed to whatever god might listen in on something so incredibly pornographic in all those good ways. One finger, up to the first knuckle, and Luke's seemed to thrust into and away from the sensation at the same time. Noah pulled back slowly, but added his tongue on the down swipe. This time, Luke definitely shoved himself into Noah's finger. Victory.

Noah alternated, fingers, mouth, fingers, mouth, until he could add finger and mouth, then fingers plural and mouth. Luke sighed, moaned, and god if he couldn't make Noah come just by breathing. He widened his fingers inside Luke slightly and added a bit more lube. The sensation must have shocked Luke, because Noah felt him squeeze against his fingers. He distracted Luke by lapping his tongue in gentle circles around the edge, before getting his mouth as close as he could. His nose up against Luke's skin. His tongue past that first ring of muscles. He slipped two fingers all the way in and bent them. Right. There. Laughing was probably not the correct response, but Luke was making this sound and panting and his fists were tight in the mattress and somehow he still managed to say god, and more, and fuck fuck fuck all the while bending like some sort of cat, and all Noah wanted to do was find that spot again and again until Luke came all over the sheets.

On the next retreat from the heat and tight and slick of saliva and lube, Noah landed his hand firmly on Luke's back. "This is, umm, I mean, three fingers, okay? And it's maybe gonna hurt, and I'm really sorry if it does, but," He fumbled his apology to the ceiling as he inched wider and deeper into Luke. The hiss of breath between teeth and muscles tightening under his fingers punched Noah in the heart. "Shit, shit, I can stop, I'm sorry, sorry." Because honestly, just because he craved the feel of Luke inside him always, didn't mean that Luke knew what to expect, didn't mean that Luke would want to be so filled, so overwhelmed and undone with the sensation of someone closer you thought possible and hotter than a July sunburn. But should he move or not move or what? His fingers were inside the sexiest vice grip in the history of ever, throbbing in time with the ever present call of his dick.

He tongued around his own fingers, around Luke's skin. His nose filled with the synthetic scent of strawberries. He tasted sweat and warmth. His fingers rocked against Luke's prostrate conjuring up sounds and gestures that had Noah almost losing his load. "Baby, gonna have to turn over now. Not going to make it inside you otherwise."

"Nnghuh?" So Luke couldn't come up with words, but he understood. His body rolled in the most languid, fucked out, unstressed, heavy limbed motion that Noah had ever witnessed and, fuck, he squeezed his eyes and pressed his palm against his dick. Ichi Ni San Shi ... Go? Roku? Something like that. Don't look, Mayer. Do not look. If you look you will devour him.

*****

Luke lay on the bed, dazed and so hard he could break bricks. Noah knelt between his legs with his face all squinched up. Luke wanted to ask why the look, but he remembered. When Noah had been laid out, waiting for him, the unholy must-have-now urge that had rocketed through him. His hands had been shaking, his body on fire and Noah had ... Luke closed his eyes, breathed deep. Noah had opened the condom and put it on his dick.

Now he would do the same.

He felt for the foil square carefully, bit it open with his teeth, thanked Queer as Folk clips on YouTube for pointing out how insanely sexy and convenient that particular skill was. Wrestling his body into a sitting position proved more of a challenge. He felt every inch of his body, liquid life and perfect, stuck between a purr and a moan. Noah jerked his eyes open when Luke slipped the tip of the condom over his dick. Luke's eyes met and captured his while he rolled the latex down the length of him. He'd touched Noah's dick a million times but the realization that Noah was going to - and at Luke's insistence even - put that inside him. Luke's stomach hurt even as his balls begged for release. The condom was on as well as he could manage with fingers exhausted from tightening in the sheet. "Please," he whispered. "This is what I want tonight."

Noah blanched a little at Luke's words, but Luke didn't care. Tonight was for him and for them and not for his traitorous family who had celebrated this farce, and not for stupid Ameera and her stupid ring, and not for anyone but him and Noah and right now. So Noah might have gone pale, but he got it. Luke knew he did. And so Luke tucked his legs up, widened his hips, even as he continued to stare into the face of his lover. He watched Noah pour lube onto his fingers and jack himself twice, ever so gently. "This is what I want also."

Noah's fingers were there, soft and yielding, but firm against Luke's flesh. And his ass, god, his ass was so sensitive and ... his brain was shutting right the fuck off. His whole body rocked upward at the cool pressure of Noah's dick up against him. He held his breath, bit his lip. Noah had to be bigger than those three fingers because ... Jesus.

"Relax." Noah rubbed Luke's stomach.

"Uh huh, sure."

Noah canted his hips enough to get partway into Luke. His hand kept up its warm circle. "Want me to stop?"

Was he high? "Only if you want me to kill you," Luke offered as cheerfully as possible even though he barely had air.

"Good." Noah thrust forward a tiny bit more. "Because I think stopping would kill me. God Luke, I had no idea." His voice was whisper silent and so rough. I did that. I put that sound in his voice. Luke had only heard that sound when he was buried balls deep inside Noah, but here it was, the reverse almost, and he could still somehow wrestle that sound from him.

"Mine, Noah." Luke rotated his legs, shifted upward, attempted to wrap himself around his boyfriend. "You're mine whatever any stupid piece of paper says. Mine, mine, mine." Something about his words must have done something to Noah because all of sudden there was speed and movement and oh jesus this will never possibly work in a million, followed directly by oh my god touch me there there there sensations shattering Luke's body. He groped for the pillow and stuffed it over his face as he ground out praises and curses for whomever might care to hear as his whole body fractured into a million pieces. But Noah pulled the pillow from his face, tangled his fingers into Luke's, and he just kept moving, touching places inside Luke that he didn't know he had, much less that they could create this big bang fireworks and planets exploding sensation inside him. He could feel his orgasm building from his toes through his fucking hair, and he ground his body up against Noah's trying harder, so much harder, to be closer than was possible. Luke wanted to forget where he ended and where Noah began and just be here in this moment, in this right the fuck now. "Now, now, now, oh hell, Noah, just..." He tossed his head back and forth. Nothing quite made sense and everything in the universe was being sucked into a vortex in his stomach and threatening to jettison out of his dick. Which, umm, ow, except "Oh god, oh god, right there, right there, fucking love you, love you, love you."

"Love you too." Noah was more sensible somehow in this moment than Luke, how Luke didn't know know, but he swallowed Luke's noises in these intense mouth open, tongue everywhere kisses. And Luke maybe thought it should be gross because he knew where Noah's tongue had just been, but damnit it was weird fake strawberries and, more than that, it was Noah focused solely on him.

So Luke gave it his all and then some, caught between the pull of his dick and his mouth and his ass and his every pore getting ready to radiate light as he exploded. "So close, so very close." Luke tried to unlace his fingers from Noah, tried to get a hand between them. Apparently there was to be none of that. Luke chewed at his lip some more, turned on his full pout at his boyfriend. Not an easy thing to do in the middle of mind blowing sex, but damnit, he tried.

Noah's hip movements were getting less steady, more uneven. "Right there with you. God, Luke." He reached between them and closed his fingers on Luke's dick. Luke held his eyes open, trained them on Noah's. Everything about Noah was flushed and bright and so perfect. His eyelashes were extra dark. His eyes extra blue. Pupils unsteady and blown open.

"Uhhh -" Luke tried to speak.

*****

Noah jacked his hand up Luke once, sort of twice, and then they were both orgasming and all Noah wanted to do was consume Luke's mouth. He stroked Luke through him coming white, sticky, hot all over their chests, picked up come to use as lube as he rocked him through aftershocks. Not an easy feat when you're experiencing something for which you didn't have words. Did it feel like that for Luke when he was inside Noah? Would he ever have full sensation in his dick again?

He lapped at Luke's chest, circled his nipples, ever so slowly removed his fingers. "Christ."

"Yeah." Noah watched a blush play out across Luke's face, watched him turn his head to the side. Was that something in the corner of Luke's eyes?

"You okay?" Shit. I hurt him. I couldn't control myself and fucking hurt him. Shit, shit, shit. Noah held on to the rubber as his dick softened and pulled out as gently as possible. "I hurt you, didn't I? I wanted it to be so good."

"Oh my god, Noah, stop. It was. It was so good. Never in a million of my wildest fantasies would I have imagined that I would be on my bed with ..."

Noah smiled. Luke always got so flustered. "With my tongue up your ass?" He frowned. "Then why are you? I mean, it looked like you were crying." He tied off the condom and hoped it hit the trashcan where he aimed it. Noah looked for his shirt, found it on the floor, and used it to wipe off Luke's stomach. He lay down next to his boyfriend, curled him into his arms. "Did I do something wrong?" Before Luke could deny it, he brushed his thumb across damp eyelashes and confirmed his suspicions. "Because, as much as sometimes, okay, always, it pains me to admit it, I'm generally the one of us crying."

Luke pulled at Noah's wrist until it was against his stomach, reached his leg in between Noah's and managed to hook Noah over him. "You were incredible, and even in the midst of that, still so open and giving and you were everywhere all around me, all at once, and it was ridiculous. I think I overloaded my emotional circuits or something completely gay like that, but there you were and I was, and we were in this perfect moment of belonging to no one but each other. And then I remembered you were married."

Everything in Noah froze. He tightened his grip on Luke, fear an icy pit in his stomach.

"You're fucking married, Noah. And not to me. And I will never be your first spouse, ever, and that maybe shouldn't matter, but tonight it really does."

How do you respond to that?"You're right, Luke, you're not my first. But it didn't seem to bother you that I wasn't a virgin."

"That's not the same."

"Stop." Noah unhooked himself and rolled onto Luke, braced his arms so he was propped above him. "It really is the same to me. You can't be my first marriage ever, and hell, unless we run away to Massachusetts or cross the border into Canada, you can never be my husband at all. But you always matter the most. Everything we've done, holding hands, kissing, laughing, fucking, cuddling, dishes, laundry, it doesn't matter. All of that is my first time doing it with someone I want to do that stuff with. So yeah, okay, I married Ameera to get her a green card. No denying that it's a fucked up day when I can do that and not declare my love for you in front of a JP." He kissed Luke's forehead, his eyelids, his lips. "Anything I do with you I'm doing with someone I love for the first time. Can't," He swallowed. "Can't that be enough?" Noah hated the waterworks, hated the way that ever since Christmas he teared up all the time. Didn't Luke get it? Why couldn't he understand what he was saying? How much that invalidated fucking everything Noah had gone through. Everything Luke had gone through. He didn't know whether to kiss him or shake him.

It clicked in a sick sort of way. Noah's eyes bulged open and he felt his face go slack. "Luke?" His heart raced. It couldn't be enough for Luke. He couldn't be enough for Luke. And even though he believed him at Yo's just a short while ago, all of those fears and doubts slammed up into him and reclaimed residency. Noah hated feeling stupid. The Colonel had made him feel stupid all the time. He thought he'd been pouring his fucking life into Luke and Luke didn't believe him, didn't think he was right. Noah tried to control the tremors arcing through him. If his arms kept shaking he was going to collapse, and falling onto Luke seemed like the last thing he should be doing. He flung his body to the far side of the bed. He grabbed for a pillow to cover his face. What if this was it? Luke was going to say he couldn't do this, that his feelings had changed, that something was different. That's why he'd ask Noah to fuck him, not because he wanted it, but because he wanted different, and it hadn't been enough. He shuddered, clutched the pillow tighter to his body. His head hurt. His stomach killed. He thought maybe he should run for the bathroom in case he was about to puke violently.

Luke still hadn't answered.

And really, if that was the case, Noah figured he kinda had. But he'd never figured Luke for a coward, so why the fuck wasn't he saying something? Noah prepared himself. Maybe he was trying to figure out how to, or hoping Noah would do it instead? Not in a million, if Luke was waiting for that, he was going to wait forever. He was the best thing that ever happened to Noah, hands down, and Noah knew it. He knew it every single day when he woke up smiling because somewhere there was someone who loves him as much as Noah loves him. Pleased don't let that be past tense. Please don't let Luke's feelings have changed. Noah caught his breath, released his death grip on the pillow. He stared across the bed. "Luke?"

"You always say the perfect thing," Luke whispered.

Noah hadn't expected that.

"You're right that it shouldn't bother me. You're wrong that it didn't drive me insane that you weren't a virgin." Luke shifted closer to Noah and out of the wet spot. "I really wish we could have been each other's firsts. I do get, academically, that I was your first male partner. It helped, but part of me was angry that you'd gone to bed with Maddie when it didn't mean a thing. I worried that maybe it wouldn't mean a thing when you and I finally hooked up." He reached out for Noah's shoulder, held tight. "I get that I was wrong now, but I'm not gonna lie and say it didn't cross my mind." He squirmed closer. "But you always say the right thing and ground me when I'm getting the most wound up. It can be enough. Really, it has to be enough. If we're not enough for each other, then this relationship is fucked. And it isn't. I am. Thoroughly, completely and so wonderfully fucked that I might walk bowlegged for the rest of my life. But we're not fucked because we have each other. We have tonight."

"And we'll have tomorrow?" Noah's voice was quiet, wavery.

"Yeah we will. It won't be the same." Luke shook his head. "We can't kid ourselves. This is going to suck rocks. Really big rocks. Repeatedly. But I'm willing to go through it because you're the best thing that's happened to me in a really long time, and I'm not ready for us to be over." He pried the pillow from Noah's fingers. He entwined them with his own. "You make me so strong, like I'm on top of the fucking world, and I've come to expect that, need it really. And this has made me hurt. I've been scared by that more than anything. How could something so wonderful hurt so much? Isn't," he swallowed. "Isn't love supposed to conquer all? None of this Romeo and Juliet dying before they get to the happily ever after crap."

Noah smiled. "Always the writer." He opened his arms to let Luke closer. "I don't want it to hurt you. That's the one thing I want to avoid. She means nothing to me, I mean, she's a person, and she's had a rough life, and I feel bad for her. But Ameera isn't you. And some day in the future, if you haven't dropped my sorry ass for some guy who doesn't freak out all the time, we'll get to that happily ever after. It's all I ever wanted, even if I never believed in it. I just didn't know that I was waiting for you to make it come true." He stifled a yawn. His body and mind were both past the breaking point of exhaustion. "I'm dumb tired, Luke. Can I just stay here for awhile with you? Let us pretend that we can do this for real?"

*****

Always so sleepy after sex. Still, he guessed they'd both earned it after the day they'd had. "I don't have any Red Bull here, so you'll have to. I'm not letting you stumble into the hallway, freshly fucked and smelling of sex. That's all mine. You're all mine. You belong to me and only me. Not gonna share any of this, of you, right now, least of all with my family." Luke kicked the covers out from under them and then wrapped them up tight. He lay in Noah's arms and wished it was Valentine's day all over. There wouldn't be any hotel rooms at the Lakeview while the ICE was watching.

Warm and safe with his boyfriend wrapped around him, Luke drifted off to sleep, his senses calmed by the soft rhythm of Noah's breath.

He woke up an unknown amount of time later. He was cold. His back was bare and the bed creaked under the weight of someone moving.

"It's past four, Baby. Your gram is going to be up sooner than we think and I need to get back to my room." Noah ran his fingers through Luke's hair, over his lips. "You were amazing, Luke. So strong, so hot, so everything. My everything." He kissed Luke's lips, brushed his thumb across his cheek. "Get some sleep. I'll do the chores for both of us in the morning."

Luke's throat closed with the thickest knot he'd ever felt. He blinked back stinging tears and nodded to let Noah know he'd heard him, even if he couldn't respond. "Love you too," he choked out to Noah's back as he tiptoed for the door.

First the bolt, then the door was opened, then closed. Once Noah had shut the door behind him and headed down the hall, Luke collapsed. The bed emanated sex and strawberries and all things Noah. He held the pillow they'd been sleeping on, pressed it to his nose and sniffed. It smelled like home, but he didn't know when he could get back to it.

And just like going off to summer camp and being afraid because you knew, you just knew, everything was going to change while you were gone, Luke knew that something was irrevocably different. He inhaled the scent of Noah and let his tears lull him back to an uneasy sleep.

It was certainly the most bold thing I've ever written. I swear. These boys break all my writing-virginity all over the place. And then they get kinkier. and so, you know, i write more. But they maybe make me blush a bit.

I always love your stuff! This was a nice mix of sad and hot with a grasp at some sort of hope that things will work out ok - but never quite getting there. I hope that made sense. Anyway, it was a wonderful read and I look forward to whatever you write next.

OH WOW. I love this. SO MUCH. It was absolutely gorgeous and hot and angsty. I adore the angst so much and it just fits so wonderfully with our boys.You did such an amazing job on this! I was enjoying this so much that I actually read all the way to the end which I something I rarely do with such lengthy pieces.So congrats to you for writing something this awesome! And did I mention how much I loved the QAF reference? Luke totally reminds me a lot of Justin sometimes. CBS needs to give us some of those kinds of moments if you get my drift. Hee.