God is good. He does not work in mysterious ways. And this is the diary of one families journey to him. My goal for all my children is to find their place in Heaven, we are a quarter of the way there as Braden was born into Heaven 1/3/07. We have 3 boys living and loving life one day at a time! Lane Michael and Ethan are 11 year old twins and Ryan joined our family 8/18/09. What a joy they are! Everyone right now is at my favorite age they've ever been! I can't wait to see what's next!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Dear Elementary School which I shall not name~Thank you for an eye opening year. I’d like to tell you how excited we all were for the start of the year, to begin kindergarten, to meet this mile stone. Now let me tell you that we are more excited for the years end. We came into the year not expecting to experience any of the “problems” we had heard so much about, we expected so much, but not truth to the rumors. We did expect our boys to struggle and have to work hard, we expected them to repeat kindergarten, knowing they aren’t as mature as their peers. We’re ok with that. The people who you have screening said they should go this year. So we sent them. And when one of your teachers called me after school had been in just 6 weeks talking about retaining one of my children, I saw it, what every one had whispered….the rumors had come to our home to live. But I put it aside, and because of how it was worded, put it out of my mind for the time. But the words retention and ADHD continued to be thrown about, as if labeling a child was nothing more than tossing a ball, no more thought put into it. Late night calls, and daily letters followed. I took it all in stride, resisting the temptation to reassign blame from my child to the teacher as so many others had done. I talked to doctors and specialists, did research, thought about it, pondered it, lost sleep over it and finally cried over it. Then when he came home telling me that my child had been called a naughty boy in front of the class, I thought my heart would break. If all of their talk had been true and my child truly was ADHD then he isn’t naughty, he is unable to sit the way other children are able to sit. Making him not naughty but different. I didn’t complain about the incident, everyone has bad days and this might have been hers. And when I was called in to talk about options to get through to the end of the year but was ambushed instead by a steady stream of “Your child is ADHD please medicate him” I didn’t yell, even though I was ambushed, and could have come prepared and open-minded. I let it go. But then when on my other sons birthday he was removed from the class while everyone else enjoyed a cupcake, for his birthday, and he didn’t complain to them but when I called to rectify the situation and he was called a Drama Queen, I didn’t come thru the phone and bite any ones head off, but when my son was then removed so the rest of the class could have candy because the Diabetic Aide didn’t want to do her job, after I had said not to do it that way….you’re beginning to get on my nerves. I’m afraid I will soon snap. And the school board will hear me. Thank you for listening. Please rectify your staff.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I hate change. Anyone who knows me knows I hate change...But what I hate worse than change is being surprised by a change. So when I dream....when I have a nightmare about making the choice to afford to feed my children or medicate my child...it shakes me. Not because I think it will happen but because I think it can happen. We (myself included) as Americans are arrogant, we think we're invinsible, we're young and inexperienced, Rome fell, so can we. History will repeat itself, no one is the world power forever. But I don't fear losing that position in the world what I am afraid of is that change not coming. As a Christian, I am aware of certain things that have to happen before the second coming....before we're raptured. Seemingly small changes. But I don't think I as an adult will see many of these changes....worst yet, I think my children may. They will be responsible for making these heartbreaking, life ending decisions. They will be responsible for their own salvation, for the salvation of my children, and what a task it is to prepare them for this awesome responsibility.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Less than a week seperates the inaugeration of our first biracial president and my children's 6th birthday...less than a week. And while I want to take today to celebrate the miracle that took place 6 whole years ago, I also am intrigued by the man who has just taken the reigns of our country. So Monday I will sort out my feelings but today, just for today, I will stop, put all things aside and say to my sweet, independent, growing boys Happy Birthday! I can't imagine life without you! Recently we talked about your futures and Lane Michael, ever my rock dependable and stable, you still want to be a chef...a chinese chef to be exact....and I think if you could change one thing about yourself I think you would make yourself chinese....you may even choose that over a cure! And sweet Ethan, always fun and full of life, you have decided to be a truck driver, not because you have a passion for transporting goods or because you enjoy a good long car drive but because you want more time with Daddy. Sweet sweet Ethan, oh I love that about you! Did you know that just 6 years from this day (the day before you were born) I laid in a bed in Texas anticipating your arrival, but nothing NOTHING could have prepared me for this. When I saw you in my head I saw two like beings, two boys who looked alike and who I had to dress differently to tell apart, two boys that would be so alike it would be painful but I only saw you as the infants you were....never as the boys you became! I didn't see your first day of school, I couldn't know how great this would be...how painful it would be to have you in the world, away from me, being influenced by others (good and bad) and how wonderful all of your successes would feel! Your first steps seem pale in comparison to who you are....Did you know that one your first birthday we were all so sick that we slept thru the 50 people who came out to see you? That we didn't even get pictures....you were too sick and slept most of the day...but looking back, the party wasn't the important part....the year was. And every year just gets better and better! Happy Birthday Boys!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Having a sick little one is scary. Having a diabetic child is scary. But when the diabetic gets sick, it's a fear I wish on no one! Lane Michael was sick this weekend. Very sick. It all started on Saturday afternoon....very suddenly. He came from the back bedroom crying (nearly screaming) that his ear hurt and he just couldn't take the pain. We rocked, he cried, we used a hot towel, he cried, we sang, he cried, we put ear drops in, he screamed. hm. and finally, after an hour, he slept. Todd came home, and Lane Michael continued to sleep, and when he woke, he cried. After a few hours and some pain medication, he seemed to be doing better. But by Sunday morning, I knew we had a problem. Lane was white and warm. He didn't eat breakfast, he didn't watch cartoons, he laid on the couch. He didn't speak to us, just laid there. By mid-afternoon he had been awake less than an hour and hadn't eaten anything. His fever had hit 102 and I was getting uncomfortable. Lane Michael has a history of seizures (unprovoked and febrile) but felt I could still handle it....but when the pain in his side was so bad that he couldn't (physically couldn't ) sit himself up, I was in over my head. Off to the ER we went. And there we sat, sick child in arms, and when they finally took us back, they gave him an adult Motrin (to bring down the fever) but as soon as it took affect, he was able to be reasonably pleasant, his fever was down, he could hold a conversation and was able to speak to us....so they sent us home. No answers, nothing to help. Big waste of time. gr. But soon after we got home his fever returned, he couldn't eat and he went back to sleep. He developed a cough at some point...at this point we had finished day one of sickness....he had eaten half a sausage and 4 bites of applesauce (now remember with a diabetic, you have to eat to keep your sugar from falling) and his fever had been consistently 102 all day (and with a seizure disorder, this is very dangerous). So through the night we slept downstairs on the couches....except he was too thirsty to sleep more than an hour at a time...waking each time to drink water. Then at 3:30 he woke up and couldn't sleep. So I put him on the couch with me and turned on cartoons...he finally went back to sleep at about 7. Just in time for Ethan to wake up and need breakfast (Todd was working), so we got up and got breakfast....Lane didn't eat. Ethan was so good for me all day long! He played and watched cartoons and laid with me, he was so good and so low maintenance! I'm proud of him! Lane slept....he didn't eat, he slept. He didn't play or watch cartoons....finally when Todd came home he moved to the basement to try to watch cartoons....his cool down there and at some point his fever broke (thank God) at supper time he ate 7 bites before falling back to sleep....and then he went to bed at 8:30....and he slept....I would like to say "I'm not sure how we got thru this without a seizure or a dangerous blood sugar level" but I do know how. By the grace of God. He wasn't well enough to go to school yet on Tuesday and Ethan would have gotten there and they would have sent him straight home (his cough was pretty bad and it gagged him and made him throw up several times) Then yesterday we had Lane Michael had his follow up EEG...it went....as expected. Lane's brain is still firing off the seizure sparks and so far none have connected to create another problem but that doesn't mean it won't...the Doctor checked him for a disease that connects type 1 diabetes with a seizure disorder...we don't have it...finally something we DON'T have! Lane did well and did as he was told...but by the end of the day he was very fussy and very whiny....I'm thinking he's not 100% quite yet but we're getting there!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Todd and I avoid pushing our political opinions onto our children. We tell the facts. So Sunday in the truck, on our way to church, I was telling the boys that on Tuesday the first ever bi-racial president will take office. To which Lane responded"so on Tuesday we'll all throw our wallets to President Obama?" hm. Yes Lane Michael, we will. *sigh*

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I don't have the winter blues because I love the snow, the winter, the hot cocoa! I love winter, but I want to throw up, all the time. I'm trying not to complain too much because no one likes a complainer. I'm tired, exhausted really but again, no one likes a whiner. No I don't want to get off my butt to take my kids swimming/sledding/ice skating...but I have to....because well, kids like that crap and don't want to be locked inside all day and all evening! I think my thyroid meds need adjusted....I shouldn't be THIS tired....I slept for 10 hours last night, no that isn't a typo, I slept 10 hours and I could fall asleep right now. I enjoy doing stuff, once I'm doing it....but I don't want to swim, I want my kids to swim while I sit on the side lines, I want my kids to sled, while I drink hot cocoa in the truck, and I want to have the energy to want to swim, to want to sled! I want to take pictures of them doing all the things they love to do! Todd doesn't get off until late tonight....so I guess it will be me in the pool with them...yeah. *sigh* I'm such a whiner! I'm glad to be pregnant, I just don't want the boys to suffer because of it!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Ethan has been having trouble with his teacher since the beginning. She is right, he does have a problem sitting still and he does struggle to stop talking. I know. If anyone knows, I know! I know that my child isn't perfect. So yesterday when she called to let me know that he was on black (had a horrible day) you can understand my concern. She explained to me that Ethan had behaved the exact same as he had the day before...except the day before he had been on yellow (an average day for Ethan). So if there's no consistency, how does he know what's acceptable and what isnt...if I don't understand, how can he. Then I found out that she told him (in front of everyone) that he was a naughty boy. twice. I don't ever call my children names or label them. Neither will she. I'm tired of this...I can't sit with him at school. At home, we back her up but also let her know that he is who he is and I refuse to change that. So at our meeting on Monday, I will request he be put in a different classroom. At first I wanted him to learn to deal with people, but if she as an adult hasn't mastered this skill, then maybe he isn't completely at fault!

Monday, January 5, 2009

I'm sad and I miss my baby. He isn't at the cemetery, so visiting him there does me no good. He's not there. So where do I go to be with him...I have a small Longaberger picture frame, it's beautiful and perfect, it holds all of our pictures of sweet Braden, his measuring tape (recording that he was 20" long), his bassinet ID tag and lock of hair...auburn hair....the hair I dreamed of...a lot! I always said that if Braden was a red head we'd have a full set....Lane had blond hair, Ethan had black and Braden red. A full set. We have a box in the basement, in that box are all of his possessions...the outfit he wore, his blanket more keepsakes from the hospital, the funeral and from family. The outfit has a spot of blood...that spot is so precious to me...I wish it was bigger...a badge of honor, he was real, he had blood, a heart, little hands and his Dad's mouth. How sweet that spot is. Yesterday as I looked thru the pictures I noticed something I had never noticed before. Braden had big feet. This boy my sweet baby had boats at the end of his legs. Maybe my sweet boy would have been tall. They were long and slender...he had big feet. It's a new fact about my baby, something I had never noticed, something that makes me happy...insight into who he would have been...he would have had auburn hair and big feet, maybe been tall. Happy birthday Braden (1/3/07)