Getting Comfortable Being Naked with Your Husband

Lower the bedroom lights. Cue the burlesque jazz music. Step into the bedroom wearing nothing but a smile. And what do you get?

Well, you either get a happy hubby, a super self-conscious wife, or more likely both.

I had a brief exchange last week with a commenter and fellow blogger about whether wives are able to disrobe and display their goods to their husbands with confidence. I admitted that it took quite a bit of time in my own marriage to get there. While my body is objectively less attractive than it was when I was younger, I’m far more confident now about sharing my body with my husband.

So how do you get to the point where you can enter your bedroom where hubby awaits with just a smile and a swagger? Here are some thoughts on sorting through our self-doubts, ladies.

He just likes naked. Whether you understand it or not, God has infused your husband with an appreciation of feminine beauty and especially nudity. As in, your nudity. The draw isn’t that you look like a supermodel. You don’t have to look like a supermodel. You are beautiful because you are all woman — which is entirely different from him and incredibly intriguing and arousing.

You have curves. You have breasts. You have softer flesh. You have tender, exciting places down below. Whether you also have ten extra pounds and some varicose veins doesn’t detract from all of the goodies he sees. We wives simply need to recognize that God created men to be visually excitable creatures, and your hubby is aroused and interested in your naked body. So show it off!

It’s the only body you have. You can spend your whole life wishing you were taller, shorter, curvier, thinner, fuller, flatter, lighter, darker, etc. But this is it — the body you have. And it’s a pretty good one. Hasn’t it served you well in many ways?

There are plenty of people with unusual challenges like paraplegia or malnutrition or terminal illness who would love to have the very body someone complains about all day long. Now I’m not trying to give you what-for just because you’re unhappy with some aspect of your body. That’s understandable, because we all have something we might want to change and the feelings that come with that simply are. But learning to appreciate what you have goes a long way toward being willing to share it with your husband.

Since this is your body, find ways to love it. Focus on your best features. Keep it healthy. Enhance what you can. Live in gratitude for your body. Get over thinking you want someone else’s, and intentionally learn to appreciate this one and only body you have.

Remember he ain’t perfect either. I find my husband very attractive, even though I objectively realize he will not be named People‘s Sexiest Man Alive any time soon. He’s my flavor of man, so I think he’s “the bomb.” Why not believe your hubby feels the same way about you?

He loves you and that impacts how he sees you — making your beauty shine and your flaws seem insignificant. Moreover, he recognizes you’re both aging, that wrinkles and gravity are taking their slow toll, and he doesn’t expect you to look like a 20 year old for the rest of your life. (Hey, some of us didn’t look our best at 20 anyway!) He knows you aren’t perfect, but he isn’t perfect either. But you still can be perfect for one another.

You’ve been through so much, what’s a little peep show? Honestly, this one has contributed a lot to my level of comfort around my husband. Truly, what’s the big deal about showing him my body after all we’ve been through together?

We’ve experienced the better and the worse, the richer and the poorer, the sickness and the health. We’ve seen each other at our strongest of times and our most vulnerable. We’ve nursed each other through stomach flu, surgeries, and grief. We are intimately connected in every other way, so why would I withhold this one way?

If you want that deep connection with your husband, you have to open yourself up. You have to trust him with your heart and with your body. You truly aren’t likely to have a fabulous marriage in every other aspect if you cannot also be vulnerable and open in the marriage bed. Chalk it up to one more thing that makes your relationship unique: You walk through life together in a way you don’t with anyone else, including the way you share your bodies with each other.

All of these deal with your attitude and approach to being naked with your husband. Next week, I’ll cover some specific tips on how to get over your trepidation and share your body more freely with your husband.

Are you comfortable being naked with your husband? If you’ve grown in this area, please share how you became more confident about sharing your body with him.

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126 thoughts on “Getting Comfortable Being Naked with Your Husband”

I struggled with ‘being naked’ in front of my husband for the first year or so of marriage. We are both in our 50’s (second marriage for both of us) and have been married for only 4 years. I soon realized that he doesn’t care about my stretch marks or varicose veins. Got over it quickly and now enjoy just randomly wandering into a room in the buff! He gets a kick out of it! You are so right about not being ashamed. The more you waltz in naked the easier it gets!

I love this! We’ve been very happily married for almost 20 years and each year gets so much better! We’ve always been comfortable w/nakedness and exploration!
Even with 6 kids and my body totally showing for it (can we say “baby pouch”), my husband sees ME…every aspect about my person that he loves and he shows his delight even more in my nakedness.
He makes me feel sexy! …and I let him know that! 😉

We never had an issue with this, but I do find that it gets more difficult when I am unhappy with my weight. I currently weigh more than I ever have in my life, and sometimes I prefer a pretty nightie or robe (even if it isn’t closed, it just boosts my confidence).

That’s a great point. I think it’s worthwhile finding clothing you feel good in. Since putting on a few pounds, I did a whole undies makeover and it really helped me feel better to find a better style for my current body. Thanks, Carol, for sharing that.

Of course, you should eventually lose the nightie, robe, undies, et cetera…but starting out confident in the bedroom can make a real difference!

I was worried about the bit of loose skin under my naval from giving birth to our children. Hubby told me that he loves it and hopes I don’t try to get rid of it. It is part of our history together. He got me pregnant. He put that loose skin there. It belongs to him, in a way, and he loves it. It may not be objectively sexy, but it is beautiful and intimate.

By the way, I think I look better now 13 years and 7 pregnancies later than I did at 20. I look and feel more womanly and confident. I am stronger and I have more self confidence.

It’s interesting, isn’t it? I’m just generally more comfortable in my skin at my older age than I was when I was younger. That extra self-confidence can translate into how we feel about our bodies. Thanks, libl!

I’m not ugly, I’m in good shape, not perfect but I workout 6 days a week and I’m in the best shape of my life, and we’ve barely been married a year. God clearly told us to get married, so I know this is a spiritual attack, but it certainly doesn’t make it any easier…

I pray daily that his attraction towards me will increase and we will not lack in this area at all. The rest of our marriage is great except this has caused a big lack of affection and intimacy. I was single and celibate for YEARS!!! And now that I’m married and God audibly and with 10+ forms of confirmation told me to marry him, I’m frustrated. I desire affection and intimacy so much…

Frustrated – I can’t pretend to have any advice for you because I don’t know your situation. But I know that my situation LOOKED similar to yours from the outside, so perhaps there might be some factors under the surface that are in common, too.

My husband suddenly stopped being attracted to me after we got married too, and it took us a long time to work through why that was. (Like you, I believe I’m reasonably attractive by the world’s standards.) In our case, part of it was because he had been brought up in quite a conservative Christian home and his brain had been trained to connect sexual feelings with feelings of guilt. So it took a long time and lots of prayer to work through that. Part of it was also that I wasn’t respecting him in the way that he wanted. I wasn’t outright rude or sarcastic, but I offered a lot of unsolicited advice, and frequently “corrected” him for silly things like using the spaghetti spoon to dish up rice. I didn’t realise that those things were disrespectful – I thought I was helping! But it put him in kind of a mother-son situation instead of a wife-husband situation, which just wasn’t very conducive to sexual feelings!

In our case he was also (for a time) turned off by me intiating sex because I had a sexual past, and my being too forward reminded him that I was more experienced than he was, and conjured up feelings of jealousy, insecurity etc. Presumably that’s not an issue for you if you were previously celibate, but it may be that he’s uncomfortable with certain sexual things that you do for other reasons.

It took my husband a while to be able to articulate what he was feeling, so persevere in talking gently to him about it, without becoming very emotional or making accusations (easier said than done!). In our case it also just required a period of waiting while we both worked on the things that were causing this ‘roadblock’ – it was hard to have a dry spell so early on in the marriage, but it was worth it! I hope that gives you some encouragement – it can get better if you keep communicating and being gracious about it. I hope it gets better for you too.

Sheila Gregoire has written on What If My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive?. Ultimately, you have to find your worth in God and yourself. But his lack of attraction may not have anything to do with you — but rather with his own issues or physiological challenges. If you can figure out why he’s struggling, then you two can address it together.

I loved this post! Well, okay, I love almost every one of your post. 😉

My hubby and I are extremely happily married and it is a second marriage for the two us.

In my first marriage of twenty years to an abusive, porn addicted man, I never, ever wanted him to see me naked because I simply did not want him to want sex. And I did not trust him to love and care for me so therefore, I did not trust him with my body. He already made me feel ugly and stupid outside the bedroom, so to bare my body for him felt like opening myself up for more criticism and pain.

In my current marriage of 2 1/2 years, I actually WANT my hubby to see me naked. I know he enjoys seeing my body and I greatly enjoy showing it to him. At first though it was difficult. After all, it’s one thing to grow old with one person and watch each other change over the years, it’s another to share your well worn body with another person when you’re 47 and sporting stretch marks from two births and a never-again flat stomach. So I was afraid at first he would cringe at what he saw, but instead he took absolutely delight in my body from day one. And I learned from that day forward to always, always, believe him when he would tell me how beautiful I am. And why wouldn’t I when I know I can trust him with my life, so I can trust him with my body.

Well, of course you didn’t want to be sexually vulnerable with a man who was brutal to you. Thankfully, you have experienced sexuality in a completely different and far healthier way with a loving husband.

I love that you used the word “delight” to refer to how your husband sees your body. It makes me think of how the husband refers to his wife in Song of Songs 7: “How beautiful you are and how pleasing, my love, with your delights!” I’m sure your husband would say the same about you!

I think to a certain extent the freedom to feel comfortable being naked around your spouse comes from the ability to feel comfortable being naked on your own. There’s a lot of shame that has been placed on the concept of being naked stemming from Genesis (“they were both naked and ashamed”) through today. I’m in my 30’s, and it has only been in the past few years where I haven’t felt completely uncomfortable seeing my naked self in a mirror, and even still some lingering feelings of “this isn’t right” flow through my thoughts from time to time.

I’m getting married soon and know that to truly feel comfortable baring all to my future spouse will only go so far if there is any residual guilt about being naked outside of utilitarian purposes (shower, changing, etc).

That’s a good point: We need to feel comfortable just being naked with ourselves. We need to view our bodies as a good and beautiful gift from God Himself. It can take time to get to that point, but it’s well worth our efforts.

Many blessings to you in your upcoming marriage! I hope you’ll stop by next week for some practical tips on getting comfortable and confident with your body.

You make a great point about the shame culture. But take a look at that passage in Gen 2:25 again. It actually says “they were both naked and UNashamed.” Sin ruined that and opened the door to shame. God’s redemptive work in us through Jesus is to bring us back to what he always intended. Pretty cool God, if you ask me.

Wow, I suspect your husband would LOVE to see you nude. He might be in momentary shock, but then his heart would restart and thump like a happy dog’s tail.

So what’s the issue for you? Why are you terrified? Has he said anything negative about your body? Are you uncomfortable with how you look? Were you taught that good girls don’t bare all — even to their husbands? Give me a few specifics, Embarrassed, and let’s see if we can help you. Because I honestly think your marriage would benefit from sharing your bodies freely with one another, as God intended.

In response to this, before Jesus, I was not a good girl. I let my body be used and abused in all sorts of ways in order to be loved. Anything from dancing to multiple partners. I knew about God as a young girl but didn’t accept Him until older. Met my husband and he became a Christian also. Our bedroom life has never been good. There has been 3 affairs and I have stuck by him and he has stuck by me as I am not very pleasant to live with either. The last affair kind of did me in as it was with my best friend at the time. I struggle with insecurity all the time. I do everything I can now not to draw attention to myself when out in public as so opposite when I was younger. I dress in sweats and sweatshirts 95% of the time, we use desperate covers in bed, and I never change in front of him as I don’t want him to think something that’s not gonna happen. I’m a mess. But I am seeking counsel now once a week. With Gods help and hers one day life will be different in the bedroom.

I know exactly how you feel. Before Jesus I slept with many men to feel “pretty” and “worth something”. I was so lonely and knew that no man would come home with me to hold hands. So I figured that in order to get that attention I would have to sleep with them. I learned pretty much to resent men because I knew I meant nothing to them and that they would be just as happy with any other girl, as long as they had their pleasure. I tried to compete with porn stars because thats what all the men/boyfriends/whatever liked to watch and so I thought I had to be like that to make sure they “like” me. I hated myself for not being skinny enough, wanted fake boobs and fake hair to look just like what all those men wanted so badly. I felt worthless and ugly and just hated myself. My husband and I met before I met Jesus and we slept together and I pulled off that whole show with him too. He was a christian but not walking with the Lord. After meeting Jesus, we stopped having sex until we got married. That was 7 months ago and we still have not had sex. The thought of him seeing me naked makes we want to cry because to me, my nakedness is dirty and shameful. I just dont want him to look at me “that way” because all those years I let myself be used by men who couldnt care less about me and just stared at me with lust. Makes me sick to think of it. And the memories of sex with my husband before marriage are not that much better…and I really dont like my body that much, I often feel so ugly and worthless and wish that I could offer my husband something better. Thankfully I can be totally honest with him and he understands. I hope that one day I can just get over all of this and move on. I am praying for healing and Gods help but I guess this will just take time.

Thank you for sharing your story. The Lord is already healing you!!!! I will continue to pray for your healing. Amen!!! Stay strong, don’t give the enemy the satisfaction of getting to you. We have a loving father that protects his Princesses!! He has restored you!! Take small steps, work thru each touch, caress, etc with your husband, pray thru every step. God is ready to show you the marriage gift that you are entitled to. 🙂

We really do get old stuff stuck in our heads, don’t we? And then we define ourselves by all that awful stuff.

There’s some good advice here, but I’ll cut to the chase for myself. RAHAB. Yes, Rahab. She’s one of my Bible heroes (Joshua 2). That girl was a pagan foreigner living in enemy territory and working as a prostitute when Joshua and the Israelites conquered her city of Jericho. And how does the Bible define her? As an example of faith (Hebrews 11:31 and James 2:25) and an ancestor of Jesus Christ (Matthew 1:5). If God could turn Rahab around, He can redeem any woman from a promiscuous past. (Like me.)

Just keep aligning your thinking with God’s view of sex in marriage, His view of you and your body, and His redemptive power. Take baby steps, like undressing with a single candle or scheduling sex just once on the calendar. Then increase your involvement, rewriting your sexual intimacy script as you go, and see where it leads. Pray for something better and seek it with counseling and support as needed. Many blessings!

Thank you to the commenter above! I’m in a second marriage and lament that my spouse does not have memories of my youthful figure – the post babies, mid-life reality is all he has. I have to remember that he chose me just the way I am and hope that it gets easier with practice. I do love his surprised delight when I shock him!

You know, I was very active in high school, and I sometimes wish my husband had seen THOSE LEGS. Because they were way better than the wrinkle-kneed, varicose-veined, ghostly-white-flesh legs I have now. I think there are plenty of us who wish we could piece together the best moments of our bodies and share that picture with our husband! But like I said, it’s not about that.

Your hubby picked you, he wants you, and he especially wants you naked. So enjoy, Missy! You’re a beauty to him!

My wife and I have been married for 23 years, 24 in May, and I can emphatically say with zero reservations that I find her exponentially more beautiful and sexy today than I did when we met at twenty years old. We have two beautiful sons, enough trials and failures to fill two lifetimes, and joyous highs on top of soul killing lows. But ALL of that is ours, together! The love and life we share today, stands on every teardrop, heartbreak, disappointment and frustration that is the rock solid foundation of a marriage that continues to grow towards the ideal we believe God outlined for us in His Word.
I say all of that as a means of quantifying why I, and other husbands, are being absolutely honest when we tell their wives how beautiful they are. There is no “Baywatch” bodied female on the planet that could have given more of herself to me than my wife has, and certainly not many that would have stuck by my side through some of the times we have endured.
In actuality, I have heard countless times people make comments like: “Man, you married over your head… or “how did you manage to pull that off?” because my wife is gorgeous by worldly standards too. But it’s the shared scars, and the intermingled tears, and the wordless hugs, and the loyalty that make up the beauty a husband sees when his wife reveals her body to him. If we can ever convince our wives that her beauty is uniquely hers, and that we truly see them as the God given blessings that they are, entire media conglomerates and countless weight loss companies will fold their tents overnight.
Ultimately, whether she ever believes me or not, it will always be an extremely high priority to me to show her through my actions what my words tell her…
P.S. If you happen to read this L, know that there has never been a woman created that could stand in your shadow, not in my eyes, or my heart…
I love you…

As usual, you have me laughing and blushing at the same time! I hope my sexy wife agrees with your train of thought…
Your site, as well as several of the other Christian sites that you link to, has been one of the greatest blessings that a husband who desires to serve and love his wife biblically, could ever receive. Your humor, and willingness to speak unashamedly about the importance of all forms of intimacy, has helped my wife and I immensely. I would feel pretty safe in saying that there are countless couples experiencing levels of true intimacy directly as a result of you doing what our awesome Father called and equipped you to do.
I would like to add something that I didn’t address in my previous post, but I don’t think that it can be stressed enough, and that is the fact that men/husbands are portrayed in just about every form of media as selfish, sexually obsessive dolts that exist to annoy our wives at every turn about meeting “our needs”. We don’t care about conversation, or snuggling, or really anything that does not in some way involve our “manhood”. And quite frankly, it sickens and saddens me because I believe that there are an infinite number of Godly men who genuinely want to be the husband that their wives dreamed of as little girls. But we are bombarded with images and stereotypes that we all know don’t exist in real, committed, non=Hollywood marriages. Add to this frustration that the women we adore are being inundated with the same garbage from such proven experts as The Kardashia#@, and The Bachelor, etc… and it is no mystery why so many couples let themselves be divided by ideals that are unsustainable, even by the very people who propagate them. If I have learned anything from you and your fellow bloggers, that has been THE most vital component to actual growth in my marriage, it is Communication, Communication, Communication! It is without a doubt the catalyst for real, heartfelt change, and without question the most difficult action to engage in.
Supposedly, women want to talk more, and share their dreams, and fears, and trust that we, their husbands, actually care about these things. Well, I can guarantee you that I speak for the majority of God fearing husbands when I say “WE DO!!!!” This may come as a shock to many of the wives reading this, but we really, honestly, from the depths of our soul, want to be the very best friend you have ever had! We long for you to share your secrets, your fears, your dreams, and yes, here it comes… your sexual desires and preferences! If all men needed to satisfy them was a vehicle for sexual release, we would just hire someone to tell us what we wanted to hear, then shut up and be sexy! But we crave your trust, your faith, your need for us! It’s these elements that make up the essence of you, and without them their is no “making love”, there is just intercourse, and even the basest mammals can complete that task!
Please believe that your husband wants to be your rock, your hero, your knight in shining armor, but we are so terribly afraid of being rejected, or seen as unmanly, because we see what you watch, and what you read, and we know that we can never serve you as we are called to, while imitating what every gossip rag, in every check out aisle in America, tells you and us is sexy, beautiful, desirable, and ideal.
We want to love you, with our hearts, our minds, our souls, and then, and only then, in the act of making love, do we really experience what God intended for us to discover about losing yourself in the blissful wonderland that is the woman He blessed us with. Talk to us, but tell us things only our ears should hear. Cry to us, and trust that our hearts are breaking because yours is. Need us, but tell us what you need.
And lastly, be patient with us when we are not as smooth as a Clooney, or a Brad Pitt, because we don’t have a script, and we don’t want to fail, but we will never quit trying if you will accept the fact that when we tell you you are our world, we are asking you to share yours with us…

Wow. My husband tells me these things and no, I never believe him. He doesn’t put it as eloquently as Todd here, but he means the same. I can’t get past it though. Two babies, stretch marks, laugh lines, and an extra ten pounds make me know I could never compete with the thousands of beautiful women out there. It frustrates my husband, but I know he has to see those women, he’s not blind. I just cannot believe he is attracted to me.

So tell yourself this: My husband is not blind, but he isn’t stupid either. It’s not just about the looks! He knows being intimate with his loving wife is so much better than glancing at some girl on the street.

It’s like one of my favorite quotes ever from Paul Newman about why he never cheated on his lifelong wife, Joanne Woodward: “Why go out for hamburger when you can come home to steak?”

I appreciate your intent with this reply but feel compelled to ask that we not compare ourselves or our sexual intimacy with our husbands with food. We are women, children of God, not inanimate objects. Sex is raw, tender, frightening for many of us. To equate that with something to be consumed, like a steak, feels degrading to me.

Well, I certainly had no intention to offend. As a writer, I’m often looking for analogies that help explain other ideas. OF COURSE, we are nothing like beef. But I’d hoped the metaphor would simply stand in for the more abstract idea.

Funny, I just made a comment somewhere recently in which i wrote about how I actually find the use of food, dining, cooking, and recipes one of the most functional analogies when talking about sex and in a way that is relatable without being too graphic or direct. Different stroke for different folks, I guess.

“You are beautiful because you are all woman–which is entirely different from him and incredibly intriguing and arousing. You have curves. You have breasts. You have softer flesh. You have tender, exciting places down below…”

+1 to all the above (and I might add that you only scratched the surface on this subject)! Now if *only* every woman could genuinely recognize and appreciate that about herself and her femininity as God made her, the world would be a very different place indeed.

Even fully clothed, women have an inherent allure to men that they (sadly) so often either don’t understand or believe about themselves, as even a 1950s polygraph machine so candidly (and comically, thanks to Groucho Marx) illustrates:

Yikes, my blog wouldn’t let me see the clip first, so I went on faith and approved the comment! (Also, because I think Groucho Marx was a comic genius, and it’s from the 50s, so how bad could it be? 😉 ) But I watched it (yes, start at 15:33, everyone!) and totally understood the meaning. I definitely appreciate that the married man looked, reacted, but then turned his eyes away…and, I’d like to think, to the heart of his lovely wife. Thanks for sharing!

The frightening part of this for me is that our husbands have to make an effort to turn their eyes, minds, hearts away from other attractive women, and we must trust them to do so. Even if there was such a thing as the perfect face and body and I had them, my husband will still notice other women. I must trust him to turn away and this scares me. If I believe he loves me and trust him to do this, I give him great power to hurt me. It’s not so much about body image, it’s about giving our husbands that power. Yikes!

After the first initial shock of having my husband see me naked on our wedding night, I’ve not had a problem having him see me. My body belongs to him and I try to take good care of it since I’m all he’s got (also, because I hope to be healthy into old age).

I think the point you made about being grateful was right on. A little perspective goes a long way!!

We’ve been married almost 11 years (four kids later) and it’s still not easy for me to rip everything off and strut proudly. However, I’ve learned that my husband is more attracted to me when I’m confident about my naked body, faults and all. When I wear it like I AM a supermodel, he wants me more. It takes our intimacy to a higher level…so be confident ladies!! 🙂

I’ve become comfortable being naked in front of my husband for all the reasons you state here. I also allowed his words of encouragement and affirmation of my beauty to sink in rather than to dismiss them. The road is a rather bumpy one for many of us as wives but the rewards and benefits of being naked and unashamed in our marriages is worth whatever we have to work through to get there. Once again J, thanks for sharing this great encouragement.

As a newlywed of 6 months, my answer is a big fat NO. I’m not shy about exposing myself around him for daily stuff like showers and changing clothes but when it comes to doing so for sex, I feel like hiding in a closet.

I love this too! I’ve had 3 c-sections which leaves the obvious scar besides the typical sagging skin and stretch marks all of which have made me self-conscious even though I’m sure some people would think I’m crazy because “gosh, you’re thin! Why are YOU self conscious?!?!” But even the thin people don’t love their bodies and when I’ve covered up out of feeling self conscious, it has bothered my husband because he feels like I’m treating his compliments as lies. He has consistently said he finds me beautiful “flaws” and all but I’ve had to train my thoughts to believe him. Knowing that it hurts him to not act as though I trust him to tell me the truth about how he sees me has actually been helpful in being more comfortable with my body.

I know I’m going to get a lot of hate on this one. So many times blogs and posts like these say “he doesn’t care about the 10 extra pounds” or “he wants to see you no matter what”. But then later on give the ‘casual’ comment to “take care of your body and be healthy”. I only wish it were 10 extra pounds. Shoot, I wouldn’t mind 20-25. But what if it is 100? I don’t enjoy seeing her naked because I know she isn’t healthy and has no desire to get to a healthy weight. I’m no Brad Pitt, I’ve gained some weight and I know time changes us, but maybe it is time for Christian blogs to emphasize being the best you can be physically at all ages as well as sexually and spiritually. Our bodies are the Temple of God, we should care for them. We call out the porn and erotica as sin, but what about our eating habits? Why do they get a pass? I know that is an ‘ouchy’ statement and some have glandular problems that can’t be helped, but avoidable, unhealthy habits are sin.

I love my wife and we have been through a lot together. Those things make me love the inner person, but as a visual man (and one who doesn’t want to be a widower at an early age), I sadly just turn out the lights. I remember the fun of showering together when we could fit in the same shower. I long for positions that we can’t use now because physically they don’t work. I preferred seeing her in an attractive one-piece swimsuit as compared to the skirt/coverup she wears now in an attempt to hide the weight. I miss the joy of basking in the beauty of “the wife of my youth” because she was stunning back then. (Never a ‘size 6’ or anything, but healthy, athletic and captivating with her soft curves.) In my mind, I can see her being stunning again, even with stretch marks, drooping breasts and spider veins. I would love to bask in her beauty at this age as well, but 100 extra pounds (on a 5’2″ frame) is hard to overlook. Please hear my pain! Wives AND husbands, take care of your body! Don’t make it an idol, but it is a temple.

Yes, yes, yes. There is no excuse for putting on 100 extra lbs – that is an extra person! I wouldn’t expect my husband to find me attractive if I put that much weight on.
Kudos to you for calling obesity out for what it is – sin. Christians are so hard nosed about alcohol or porn or drug addiction, but an addiction to sugar or fat is totally cool. The number of people with glandular problems is a FRACTION of the number of people who are obese in the West.
That said, I’m sure your wife isn’t any happier with her appearance than you are. Does she truly not have any desire to get to a healthy weight or is he just daunted by the size (no pun intended) of the task? It’s frustrating that gaining weight is so easy and losing it is SO hard. Would she qualify for medical help – a gastric bypass for example?

E,
I hope you don’t get any hate mail!! I assume this is a place where we can safely share our feelings and not be criticized?? I completely agree with you! I constantly get frustrated with pastors who stand in front of congregations preaching about various sins, when they are not taking care of their temples and are living as gluttons. I know I have MANY problems too though… it’s just easier to “pick” on them because they are more visible. So yes, I agree that taking care of our temples is important.
With your situation (and I’m am certainly NO expert… I’m 20 years old and just celebrated 9 months of marriage, so I have so much to learn), I would encourage you to do things WITH her that will make her more active. My parents are not in great shape… not at all. But they decided that they were going to start going to the gym together. My mom would walk the treadmill with my dad jogging right next to her. My husband and I try to stay active TOGETHER as much as possible. We’ll go for evening jogs, walks and go roller blading together. Then it turns working out and staying active into something enjoyable where you can spend time together talking and laughing. Start with something simple and romantic like walking on a beach?? (I have that luxury… me and my Southern California-ness 😀 ) Just do something together… it’s so much easier to be active when there is someone to hold your hand.
Thanks for your post and for how honest you were, E. 🙂 I pray everything works out and that you marriage with your wife will thrive and be better in the future than it ever was in the past. God bless you!

E,
If you read my comments above, then you know that my marriage is in a very blessed state these days. But if you had been able to ask my wife a mere seven months ago, how satisfied she was with our union, you would have been inundated with valid, poignant, heartbreaking failures by yours truly. One of them would have been my weight, and overall physical condition. I was 175lbs. when we got married, and had reached 220lbs last September. I smoked 3 packs of cigarettes a day, and ate whatever I felt like.
Meanwhile, she had joined a “bootcamp” fitness class and was working very hard to keep her “temple” in great shape.
That info is just so you have some context and background as to our marital health.
E, I had tried to quit smoking for years, promised and vowed, failed and failed again. I had high blood pressure, high cholesterol, low testosterone, and no will to change any of it. I had honestly given up and even stopped praying for God to help me, because I felt like such a failure.
BUT, my precious wife never stopped praying, and never gave up, and God rewarded her faithfulness far, far beyond what she had even dared to pray for. That shouldn’t surprise us because it’s exactly what He says He will do, but surprise us it did!
I had my last cigarette in 9/19/13. I now weigh 167lbs, and have lost 5 waist sizes (36 to 31)! I cannot begin to tell you how drastically different my life is today in so many unforseen ways. But the credit and the honor belong to my God, and my faithful, patient spouse.
Please understand that I’m not saying it was easy for her to have hope, and grapple with the same type of righteous frustration that I hear in your story. She failed often, she began to doubt that I would ever change at all, but she always believed that God could wake me up if it was His will to do so, and so she just kept asking Him to.
I feel for you so much because I saw my wife go through what you are living, and it hurt her in ways I never dreamed of. We will both be praying that God will place a wake up call to your wife, so that she may remember that it is Him that is being dishonored, along with the man she promised to love, and serve forever. I know He will when the time is right.
In the meantime, love her as He would have you love her, pray without ceasing for her health and confidence, and expect that God will do what He promised you.
Miracles do happen, and I still find myself bewildered that the prayers of my wife did what I knew, without a doubt, that I would never do. Thankfully, God wasn’t really concerned with my ability to effect a change, or even the sincerity of my desire to do so. But He’s always concerned with keeping the promises He made to His faithful child, my wonderful, beautiful wife…
May you see His handiwork first hand, and know that He is the source of every good and beautiful thing…

E,
I would like to take time to comment from a woman’s point of view and I woman who has been there. My background I was tiny when I got married. I also was young. I was not long out of high school. We had our first child when i was 21 and I gained some weight but lost most of it. I had my second child when I was almost 25 and after him I couldn’t lose the weight. I actually packed it on. I ended up having hypothyroidism which until your dose is right you can not lose weight. I tried several times but didn’t stick with it and gave up. However, my husband has always been in fairly good shape. Back in late fall he decided to start working out. God actually promoted my heart and I started joining him. I have been asked what made me get to that point? All I can say is Jesus, because I wanted to be as healthy as possible for my husband even if the weight didn’t come off. However, here I am 4 months later 40 pounds lighter. I still have about 25-30 more pounds I would love to lose and I’m still working on it. God gets all the glory, plus my husband has been sooooo supportive encouraging me along the way. We changed our diet and did it together. I do cardio everyday and we strength train (weights) 3-4 times a week. He used to be a trainer so he is a great helper. My husband was always kind to me through it all and supportive, however I, like your wife, didn’t talk about it much. Is she maybe to the point she feels so helpless that she just doesn’t feel like she can? I do talk about it and share my story now as I have been able to make progress. My heart is very heavy for people in this situation because I was there. Is it possible her thyroid may also be off making her gain more weight? I’m only asking because maybe you can get to the root of the problem. I would encourage you to be loving and encouraging as that will key to her success. We also had a cruise planed which is next month and having a goal of getting in better shape together was fun and great motivation. Maybe you should pray that she would desire to be healthy? I will be praying for both of you. I think sometimes, when we are in that position, sure we know our husbands are visual but we aren’t even sure where to start. It’s even more of an issue when we are busy being a mom, we sometimes neglect ourselves. I’m not saying it is right, but sometimes I don’t think we realize how big of an issue it is. Everyone is constantly telling us about this new “diet” they tried. I will be honest and say I don’t feel diets work but lifestyle changes. I will be praying for both of you!!

I want to add this. I really don’t know how much weight my wife has added, it may not be 100 lbs, she is very secretive about it. I do know it is over 75 lbs, but we don’t have a scale and she makes me leave the room if I’m at a Dr appt with her and they ask her weight. So she knows it is an issue and I think she is embarrassed. I did see some paperwork about 2 years ago when I needed to sign while she was undergoing a surgical procedure and she was about +75 lbs (from marriage weight) then. She has gained more since that time.

@sophie-I don’t think she is a candidate for gastric bypass. I do think a supervised Dr. program for weight loss would be appropriate however.
@Todd and @ Little Lady-Thank you
@Lauren-My wife was never ‘tiny’. She was an appropriate weight, healthy, athletic, strong bodied, attractive woman! A very ‘girl next door’ look that just captivated me. She did put on some weight with children as well (I’m OK with that, it happens), but never lost ANY of it. And through the years just added a little more every year. (We are married over 24 years.) She does have some glandular issues (identified and under control) with which she struggles and that is why I said that I would be OK with 10-20-25 lbs. She always wants to jump on the latest ‘fad diet’ which never work and has even made the comment that she knows what she needs to do to lose the weight. She did join a gym a year or so ago, but quit do to the fact that she said she gained weight (don’t know if it was true or not). I think it may have been some muscle mass increase but she also increased her food intake. So 1 step forward, 1-2 back?????? We do have a big family event coming up and she did say that she would like to lose “X” number of pounds by then, but the life style isn’t showing any resolve to do so.
Thank you all for your concern and support. I just keep trying to love her and hoping for change. I can’t do it, only God can.

Over 30 years of marriage, I gained 80 pounds. Only when I summoned the courage to seek counseling and face the deep hurts for which overeating had become my coping mechanism was I able to succeed in changing. Perhaps this is the case for your wife as well. Could be more than her body that needs care.

I don’t have a lot of offer in the way of words, except a tear-filled “thank you.” I have prayed for the confidence since I first heard you mention it to me. Not there yet, but I was especially blessed by this…
“It’s the only body you have. You can spend your whole life wishing you were taller, shorter, curvier, thinner, fuller, flatter, lighter, darker, etc. But this is it — the body you have. And it’s a pretty good one. Hasn’t it served you well in many ways?”
Will keep watching for your tips.

I obviously don’t know your husband, but I am a husband, and a man, so I just wanted to offer some encouragement if I can. Please, please, believe that when he tells you that you are beautiful, those words are from the deepest part of his heart. They are words that he would give his life to stand by. They are words that are, in and of themselves, common words. But from the mouth of a husband, when spoken to his wife, they are intensely unique, and all encompassing. They are deeply personal, and profound to the man who utters them, because in a society that tries to define what beauty is and is not, he stands firm and declares that you, yes you, are beauty defined. It means so much for him to know that you believe him when he tells you these words, because if you don’t, then he must be wrong. And then he wonders, who would you believe?
Husbands made vows, and at that moment we morphed into YOUR man, and we shed the skin of the man/boy that would say anything to get what he wanted. We became yours, and you became ours, and if anything in this world is truly beautiful, it is most certainly the woman we united with to become one flesh…

I am a pastor. I am getting married in a couple of months. I recently got legal rights to marry others. Needless to say, I thought about this issue.

Someone might be helped by understanding the fall better in the perspective of marriage and unashamed/shamed nakedness.

Before the fall, Adam & Eve were naked and unashamed before eachother (Gen 2:25).
After the fall, they saw their nakedness and hid from eachother with figleaves (Gen 3:7) and from God behind trees (Gen 3:8).

An important question is: How could Adam & Eve be naked and unashamed?
Many would at first glance respond that it was because they had no sin. With other words, because of their own quality.

However, this is not true. The reason why they were unashamed was because of the covenant of love that held them together – marriage (Gen 2:24).

It is only through the covenant of love that you can be completely unashamed naked. As you know, it’s because of Jesus covenent sacrificing love, that we with “a sincere heart and full assurance” (Heb 10:22) draw near to God. We know he loves us, he died for our sins, and the covenant of love through his blood is real. We are not ashamed nor afraid before God.

The story of A&E’s hiding is the background of anyones hardship to be naked in the bedroom with your spouse! The fig leaves and trees were desperate ways of hiding for A&E in the situation of broken covenants. But why did God give A&E clothes (Gen 3:21)? Did God help them to hide better!? What is going on here?

When Adam & Eve received the clothes God made for them it was not a further hiding, for them it was a confession. “Yes God, we have broken your covenant, and we confess our sin and naked shame.”

But this is not all. The clothes God gave them did not only stand for their lost glory, but also the future glory God would dress his redeemed people in, Jesus righteousness (Isa 61:10, Rev 19:8).

The redeemed loving relationship with God is the most helpful reality to return to the “naked and unashamed” for a man and woman in marriage. When they both have rest in God’s love for them in his covenant, they can find rest in their covenant of love (marriage), rather than their qualities (how they look etc).

Those that keep looking to be unashamed before their husband or wife in categories of physical appearance, moral behaivor or good deeds will not find it. It’s only found in the rest of covenantal love.

The reason for this is that the design of marriage is to reflect the reality of the covenental love that binds Jesus with his bride – the church (Eph 5:31-32). An unashamed relationship of binding love.

Once we are talking practical tips, I’d love ideas on how overcome insecurities around showing your body when a loving husband offers that he thinks its important to “continue to improve” the “beautiful” body you have via exercise. Its not a matter of health, but of physical beauty that accompanies more intense healthy eating and exercise…. something closer to what we used to have when we ran track in high school. We all know, there is exercise and then there is EXERCISE. Struggling when I feel that a sincere, precious, husband’s love goggles see a little too clearly what those other husband commenters don’t see when they look at their wives. He sees it, doesn’t love it, but is still attracted to me. While acknowledging that I struggle with this more than other ladies I’ve talked to, I must say, this is a tough pill to swallow.

I think you can draw some boundaries if his expectations are too much. Like if you’re completely healthy, your doctor says your weight and health are good, and you feel good about your body…but he wants you to exercise more? Yeah, that’s not your problem.

Of course, you should try to keep yourself up, but not meet an unrealistic standard that may be based on some issue he has internally rather than who you are and can be. And by the way, ain’t nobody gonna look like they did in high school when they reach a much-older age. Goodness, I wish my husband had seen the legs I had back in high school when I was super-active and tan, but he’s just going to have to enjoy the ones I have now.

Take good care of yourself. Make peace with your body. But if it’s going too far, you can set a reasonable and respectful boundary. Best wishes!

My husband and I were both virgins when we married, and I clearly remember the initial freedom and fun of being naked (and unashamed).
Fast-forward a few years and I began to be insecure about my body- the extra pounds, the stretch marks after four babies, etc. When I looked into the mirror, I saw my flaws. Always. When I saw other women I compared my body to theirs. And I sure didn’t feel as free in the nakedness department.
I have THE MOST affirming husband and I am so thankful for him. But I spent years not believing him when he told me that I was beautiful/sexy/desirable. We’ve now been married nearly 20 years, and I have learned to believe his words. Doing that has made all the difference. Now when I look in the mirror and start to critique my body, I think: “He LOVES this body.” And I know he does. That has brought me so much freedom and confidence. Even though my body is not what it used to be, I am more secure in it than I’ve ever been.

J- This is my first time commenting, (though I’ve read for several months) but I just want you to know how much I appreciate your words here. Thank you for keeping a biblical perspective first and foremost. You honor God. And thank you for edifying marriage, your husband and sex! I look forward to each of your posts and am thankful for your ministry here. I’m also convinced we’d be friends in real life. 😉

S,
I am very similar, though not as far down the road as you. Also both virgins, I had a blast being naked with him, a lot. He actually struggled more than I did. But now, we are nearing year 6 married, and we have 4 beautiful children, plus one angel baby. I am now frustrated with my body and not nearly so ready to be naked with him. I still do it nightly, as we sleep nude together. But it can be very hard sometimes. Our youngest baby is just 9 weeks old, and as I brush my teeth and look at my soft(saggy) belly, full of red scars, some nights I just want to cry. I try to remind myself it will get better, I need more time, but still, going from 115 lb.s newly married to 185 lb.s just before this baby is a hard mental pill to swallow. I pray some day to be more like the confident woman you sound like!!

My encouragement to you would be to pray that God would help you to accept your body in this season of motherhood. You are beautiful– fearfully and wonderfully made. Trust God on that. (And hopefully your husband thinks so, too!) Try to think of that soft, saggy belly and those red scars as reminders of the beautiful gifts God has given you in your children. And thank Him for them. (Yes, for the scars and the saggy-ness.) And do what you can do as far as exercise or eating right, but- goodness!- there is time enough for that when you don’t have a 9-week old baby to love and cuddle. I have found that so much of it was my own attitude and the tape recorder I basically had going on in my brain at all times that told me I was ugly/chubby/[insert your own word here]. Just don’t go there. Sometimes I have literally talked out loud to myself (to combat that tape recorder) as I stand in front of the mirror: “NOPE! I am NOT ugly. You have made me, God (and You do ALL things well!) and I thank You for this body You have given me.” Then go slip on some sexy lingerie and sidle up to your man. He will thank you. 🙂

On our wedding night, I was very deliberate about taking my clothes off one by one. Telling myself, “this is finally ok, he’s my husband!” It took me hours, but we just played and talked and gave each other massages, and I finally was ok. That was a true, “giving of myself” to him. It was what I needed. Now, one and a half years later, I’m as comfortable with him as just being by myself. I do have a few body issues, especially after my son was born- and terrible scars from appendicitis, but he tells me how beautiful I am all the time, and that gives me motivation to get the 10 remaining pounds of baby weight back off by doing regular exercise.

One thing that has really helped boost my confidence about being naked around my husband is watching his reaction as I undress and get ready for bed. At first it was unnerving to undress while my husband lay grinning in bed, but now I try to take my time and make a little show out of it. Sometimes I’ll even be sure to have sexy underwear on. Because of how delighted my husband looks as I do this, I feel comfortable being naked around him too.

Well, I read a lot of the replies, and see a lot of great ideas. My wife and I will celebrate our 40th year of marriage this fall. Not that his matters, (but I sure appreciate it) my beautiful wife looks like she is in her early 40’s. Great body etc. The main reason for my comment is to address something I have not read about, unless I missed it. We decided on our wedding night, we would sleep naked every night together, unless she needed to wear undies for certain reasons. At first, it was a little uncomfortable for her. But after a few weeks, she wouldn’t have it any other way. When our kids were growing up, they knew to knock on our door before coming in. We always kept a rob close. As they grew older, I think they figured it out, but they also knew we loved each other, and just figured that was normal for married couples. For us, every night we would hold each other and could fall asleep with a hand on a special area, or simply cuddle close and enjoy. We never ever struggled with seeing each other naked. We still enjoy it very much and wouldn’t change a thing. We do joke about at what age we will have to start wearing something, but figured we would wait until that time to decide. I love my beautiful wife with all my heart, and this is just one of the ways we have grown to enjoy each other 24/7. We are now semi retired, and have just purchased a place in Florida for a winter getaway. NOW we can really have fun enjoying the fruits of a great marriage and all the blessings God has poured out upon us. I pray each of you enjoy and appreciate your spouse as much as we enjoy each other.

You are such an inspiration!! I love to see people who have been married decades longer than us still very much enjoying marriage. My husband and i have just started sleeping naked after being married almost 11 years. I love the closeness even on nights we aren’t together sexually. It was weird at first to me, slightly, and took me until now to fully embrace the blessing of marriage and seeing each other fully, but I am sooooo thankful the Lord has worked on me in this area. Blessings to you and your wife!!

I think sleeping naked is a great idea. It’s not always do-able for everyone in every season, but it can certainly happen more than many couples think. It may take time to get comfortable with it, but skin-on-skin during the night can really boost that feeling of connection. Thanks for sharing!

My husband and I have been together for five years. I have gained 30 lbs. since meeting him and am debilitated by self-hatred for my appearance — something I’ve struggled with all my life, even as a thinner, younger person. Disrobing for him now, at my heaviest (5’8, 220 lbs) is so very, very difficult for me and unless I have near darkness and something around my midsection I feel as if I cannot be free to enjoy our time together, paralyzed by worry and self-consciousness.
He has never, ever said anything to me to warrant distrusting him. He tells me he thinks I am beautiful but I cannot accept those words, and rarely have been able to throughout our relationship. I know it hurts him when I reject his compliments. I know he enjoys my body despite my flaws, despite my self-loathing.
Thank you for this post. I will think about this and the stories posted below and try to see the good in my own body and to accept my husband’s words.

Thanks for sharing this, J. I feel fortunate that I have been able to become more comfortable with my body and being naked with my husband as we have gotten older. It is very helpful for me to make an effort to stay healthy and stay in shape. In addition to helping with things like keeping my weight under control, I think it gives me a better sense of “ownership” of or “control” over my body, if that makes any sense. So while my body is changing, and I’m getting older, and I ain’t what I used to be (!), etc., I don’t have a sense of “all of these bad things are happening to my body,” because I’m also doing things to manage and mitigate them. That isn’t a very articulate explanation, but I would encourage any woman who is feeling bad about her body to take back some control by exercising regularly, moving around a lot (rather than sitting all day), eating well, tossing the junk food, etc.

Been married 33 years to a women whom I adore. She has all sorts of issues due to being a victim of child sexual abuse. Haven’t seen her naked in a year. Anyway this is how I see it. Wives-the parts of your body that you are most disappointed in just may be the part that your husband likes the most. Because it is different than other women! My wife had the nicest backside. She hated it cuz it was too “big”. Nothing big about it at all. And then there is the somewhat normal “my breast are too small, stomach isn’t flat enough, etc.” Ladies did you ever think that your husband just may be attracted to you because you have small breasts and a curvy backside?? Or whatever it is about yourself that is different.
My whole marriage is in disarray right now because of the CSA. In the past year wife became anorexic and now weighs 100# @5’6″ and we haven’t had sex in 5 months. Going thru therapy, coaching, marriage retreats, and it may get better someday. Very very hard to go thru and to watch my wife shrink to nothing because of what happened to her 40 years ago.

I shared your piece on Facebook because it contained so much unspoken wisdom.

I am a man who can understand some women’s skepticism because we all have different degrees of physical beauty just as we do other gifts like musical ability, athleticism, “book smartness”, etc. If a women perceives herself to be, say a 4 on *her* scale of 10, she may doubt the wisdom or truthfulness of your piece.

I can add only a little to your words to try to address this skepticism. First of all, even the women who are being judged high on the beauty scale have these same insecurities. I am captivated by my wife’s beauty and it amazes me the things she can think about her body. She had wonderful full breasts before our children and was self conscious because of some silly mole on her areola (my eyes never made it to the mole!). Even after children and breast feeding, I delight in her cleavage and the way that her body is so different than mine. She is just loaded with curves and every curve screams “woman” to me. I am not superimposing the curves against Miss America to determine whether I am aroused. Like you said, I also know that *my* body will not soliciting any job offers for an underwear model. At least I haven’t gotten any callbacks yet… 🙂

Of course, my wife is *slowly* losing her objective beauty with age (I am 51 and she is 48). My desire and satisfaction have increased, however, because I can now associate her body with all of the ways in which we have shared pleasure together over 26 years. Confidence is sexy and every man wants his wife to be confident in their bedroom.

I love the idea behind this article but don’t feel it’s at all attainable in my marriage. We’ve been married 12 years (tomorrow). Between my husband’s porn addiction, adultery while I was home with a newborn and his comments about my sagging breasts and less than taut tummy, I have ZERO desire to have him see me and judge my imperfections. In a perfect world, I’m sure I’d feel differently. Not to mention I’ve just been diagnosed with a rare cancer that will leave a huge “shark bite” on my torso and half of one of my breasts removed. Not really sure why I should ever be naked for him and put myself in such an incredibly vulnerable situation again.

It sounds like the issue isn’t so much vulnerability and trust with nudity, but vulnerability and trust in your whole marriage. Your husband’s porn use, adultery, and judgmental comments certainly don’t lend themselves to making you feel desired. Yes, I believe you should ultimately get naked with your husband…but I believe in first things first. You need help for your whole relationship. Once you have a better foundation, you can address baring yourself. I encourage you to seek counseling, mentoring, or pastoring for your marriage.

And my heart goes out to you with your cancer diagnosis. May God comfort and heal you!

What really bothers me about the images is not that they are suggestive, but too suggestive in the wrong way. The HOT images set the bar unbelievably high for the average wife. They are so over the top with beauty and overt sexuality that the message gets lost. The video actually defeats its own purpose. You too are seen as a Hot Momma, but you might want to get a new hairdo, tight clothes, sexy lingerie, airbrush makeup and shed the kids to be her. If they had only toned down the fashion model visuals and made being sexy and sensual seem more achievable for the typical wife they would have made their point. As it was, they really just poured gasoline on the fire of discontent it seems to me. “If that really is how my husband sees me, maybe I should be flattered, but how do I deliver on that perception/fantasy?” I doubt they market-tested it with a group of women. Someone’s heart may have been in the right place, but the sentiment was poorly executed. One step forward, two steps back.

“I say all of that as a means of quantifying why I, and other husbands, are being absolutely honest when we tell their wives how beautiful they are.”

After 20 years of marriage, what if your husband has never told you, “you are beautiful/pretty”? Of course he says I look nice and is attracted to me but never the actual words, ‘beautiful/pretty’. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is wonderful in many other ways but sometimes a girl just likes hearing those words….

Have you told him you need that? Because he might be a bit like my ever-so-logical husband: “I told you that last year. Nothing changed.” He may think one word is okay and not get that you need to hear something else. I suggest chatting with him about what you’d love for him to say, and then see if he says it. Oftentimes, we wives aren’t good at speaking up and asking for what would make us feel loved. I’ve learned to ask: It gives my husband the opportunity to say what he already believes, and then I’m reassured by what I need to hear.

I have found it helpful to explain my needs in terms my husband understands. Tell him hearing those compliments is as important to you as regular sex is to him. Ask him how he would feel if sex almost never happened, and only when he reminded you of its importance in making him feel loved.

Your comments resonate with me. I had been married 33 years and had to ask before I knew my husband found me beautiful. I could name countless other women, though, for whose beauty he had expressed appreciation, and emphatically at that. We have talked about this and are making progress.
But just think how a husband would feel if he had to wait 33 years to have sex with his wife and had to ask her for it. And then it only happened the one time. Hmmmm…..

Are you SERIOUS??? Assuming everyone on this blog showers every day and changes into Pjs at night…. how could your husband NOT see you naked all the time? I can’t even imagine the effort I’d have to go to keep my husband from not seeing me in at least my underwear a few times a day. I mean, do you take your office clothes to the shower in the mornings and lock the door?
No offense. I am just baffled. I mean, once you’ve had sex once… he’s seen all there is. What’s the difference? I mean, you sleep in the same bed, you live in the same house. I’d think that level of comfort comes with the territory.
lol….If I walked in the room completely naked, my husband woudn’t even take the trouble to glance up from what he was doing. It’s called getting dressed in the morning… lol.

Well, I’ll say this. I roomed with someone in college for a year, and we never once — not once — saw each other undressed. We kept to ourselves and dressed by our closets, and it was never an issue. So I can see how this could happen even in marriage…and some people make a point to only make love in the dark.

But yeah, they’re missing out! One of the perks of married is sharing your complete selves — including your nudity. 🙂

Hmmmm… I’ve been married for a little over 3 months and I am just super comfortable with my body. My husband just mentioned that he actually thought it would be good for our intimacy if I was naked less often! Do you think it’s possible that since I am naked so often, my body has lost some of the mystery and “feminine mystique” that I cultivated so carefully before we got married?

Interesting. That’s a principle suggested by Rabbi Boteach in his book about marital sex, Kosher Sutra. He believes that wives cultivate a sense of innocence and mystery by giving only glimpses of the naked body, unless both spouses are aroused. I disagree with that, however.

I don’t believe we should be cavalier about our nakedness (e.g., constantly using the bathroom in front of our spouse when we’re trying to converse), but I doubt it takes away the mystery and excitement of being sexually intimate to see one another naked at other times.

That said, it’s your marriage, and if you’re comfortable with something different, maybe it could work. Talk it out and see what works for you both. Blessings!

Thank you for this post. It took me years to get comfortable being naked in front of hubby. It wasn’t until around my 15th year of marriage that I felt confident and free to bear it all with the lights fully on.
At first hubby was certainly excited to see me unashamed and show it all but now I’ve noticed that he doesn’t even look when I start to get undressed for bed whereas a few years ago he’d drop whatever he was doing. I’m wondering if he’s being desensitized and I shouldn’t go naked as freely. My body shape is in better condition than a few years ago, and I know he’s not into porn. I have asked him and he says he doesn’t realize what he’s doing.

I am going through something that I never thought I’d go through. After so many years of anguish of my looks, now that I’m no longer self-conscious he doesn’t even seem to care anymore.

I suppose it is possible he has become accustomed to seeing you in the buff and it has lost some of its “shock and awe” factor. You might indeed try being naked less often and see if that gets any comments. Sometimes we you don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone and then you notice by its absence. Another thought is to cover and tease. Wear clothes, but items that tease. Wear shorts that are just a little too short, and tops or blouses that show just a tiny too much cleavage. Maybe his imagination needs to be exercised more often and that will do it. It may just be that he doesn’t feel the need to encourage you anymore since you are doing what he wants.

I would liken it to your cooking better meals for him. At first you hear a lot of compliments on the new dishes, then as they become the culinary norm the comments fade. It isn’t that he doesn’t appreciate them still, it’s just that they are now part of the expected norm and no longer special. Try not letting him see you in the buff for two or three weeks and see if absence makes his heart grow fonder of seeing you naked once again. I very much doubt it has anything to do with how he “sees” you body, especially if you are in “better condition” than years ago.

Well, I can”t say I understand why hubby isn’t responding, but I agree with Dan to cover a little and see what happens. As I have shared in a previous post, my wife and I will celebrate our 40 year of marriage this fall. High School Sweethearts. Married at 18. (do the math! lol) We sleep naked every night and have done so for our entire marriage. We have “naked night” where we pull the shades and well, watch TV etc naked as two J birds. Its fun. I have NEVER gotten tired of seeing my wife in the buff. I LOVE IT!!!! We both gave our lives to Christ, (became born again, over 20 years ago. Attended Church for the entire 40 years, but were not saved. When and only when, we asked Jesus to be Lord of our lives, and received Him as Lord and Savior did our marriage really start to flourish. (II Corinthians 5:17) Since then, we live for Him, and that makes our marriage great. I look at my wife and thank God everyday for her. She is such a blessing. I remember seeing her walk down the hall in high school, and telling my best friend I was going to ask her out. Well, a few weeks later I did, and the rest is history.
I am so thankful for this web site where ladies and men can come and talk about in a Christ like manner the issues that the church doesn’t want to touch. I am very involved in our church, and am thinking about starting a class on this topic. ( Just let your imagination wounder about that for a minute) Over 50% of Christian marriages end up in divorce. Why?? Lot of reasons, but I think one is the lack of sexual intimacy the way God intended and designed it. But—–the same goes for our “marriage” to Christ. We can have a personal relationship with Him, just as we do with our spouses if we desire. It’s the best of both worlds. And over 20 years ago, I got both. I am so very thankful. PTL.

You are right about the church needing to be involve but I suspect most clergy are not a) adequately equipped or b) wanting to go there. You have to have people in the church willing to discuss SEX (OH NO). If they are married clergy, is their spouse willing to let them do it and/or be involved?

“Over 50% of Christian marriages end up in divorce. Why?? Lot of reasons, but I think one is the lack of sexual intimacy the way God intended and designed it. ” I think that is THE BIG #1. and not just because both sexes are getting the MDR (Sex should have and MDR like vitamins and minerals.), but because adequate sex in a marriage leads to greater intimacy in other aspects of the marriage. A person who is starving for something; food, attention, sleep, sex or whatever is going to focus most of their attention on and derive most of their frustration from that need not being met. Focusing on meeting that need limits how much focus they can place on other things. THAT is why I feel adequately meeting the sexual needs of your partner allows intimacy to develop in other areas as well. My tummy is full, now I can pay attention to other things.

LOVE this advice. I heard something on the radio a while ago that told me the wife should “get over herself” if she expects her husband to be just jaw-dropping mad about sex at the drop of a hat or upon seeing her naked. Honestly, it hurt my feelings: Oh man, I’m getting older; I have two kids (and it shows); he’s seen me a thousand times; I shouldn’t have two high expectations: poor guy, I’m all he’s got if he wants to be godly… boo hoo. I need to just get over myself if I think he should behave the way he used to…. tears….
What I have learned since, is YES, I need to get over myself if I think that every time I change my clothes he is going to behave like he used to behave. Twenty-year-old-body or not, the same behavior will not achieve the same results because we are human. It is natural to get desensitized to things that are common-place. The reason he was so eager at first was because it was new-er to him. If I analyze myself, I find that I am the same. If he pushes button A, B, C enough times, A, B, C become less and less sexy. I think, “time to change it up!” without being the least bit less attracted to him. He is human just like me.
Also, I want to share another example of a time when I got my feelings hurt unnecessarily. I was thinking that it is important to initiate sex more often. This was hard for me because I was on birth control and struggled with interest in sex as a result. I tried it though, and boy, it didn’t get anywhere. He tried to fool me (and maybe himself?), but as a man it was evident that his engine was not revved at the moment. There must be something not-so-exciting about me, right? Well there were other things to consider too – I found that I was catching him when he was in the middle of something. He was deep in the middle of Chesterton, or whatever text/job of the day. Here I was ripping him out of his focus and saying “perform or I’ll get my feelings hurt!” How silly. I have learned that to initiate sex is to get him thinking about sex FIRST, and then take it where ever we want to take it. Granted, when we were 20s, seems like all he thought about was sex so the work was more immediate (such as taking my clothes off for bed), but that was just a season of life.
We are in this covenant for the all the seasons of life and I change and grow as a partner and so does he. I should be excited about my expectations from him, but at the same time they should mirror the reality of who he is as a human being. No matter how he responds – he is NOT letting me down or hurting my feelings. I am glad to have him as he is.
Here’s to “getting over yourself” while recognizing that “yourself” is the most wonderful thing you can offer your husband and the most wonderful thing he can offer you. I praise God for this mysterious gift and may it reveal in increasing measure how we are the bride of our Lord.
Humble thanks to J for this blog and the opportunity to post.

I’ve really enjoyed reading your posts. I’m so thankful to have found a blog that covers this material in a Godly manner.

That being said- I hope some of you still check this. I’m actually having some issues myself. I still have a very hard time feeling comfortable in front of my husband .. nude. I feel that I can’t change in front of him and I prefer the lights to be dim or under covers. The thought of sex in broad daylight honestly scares me… as embarrassing as that is.

I’m in my mid twenties, and my husband and I have been married for 2 years and dated for 6 before that. We slept together before we got married (which we very much regret and went through lots of pain because of it.) I’m not sure how much detail I should go into. I’ve also always had really low confidence and I know I brought baggage into our marriage due to that. My poor husband has been so loving and patient and though I know he is frustrated with me – he has loved me through this. I just feel so uncomfortable and it is almost like a mental blockage or barrier that I can’t get past.

The hard part is- I know he is very attracted to me. I don’t really think I’m unattractive- so its not even that I hate myself. I hate parts of it- but I’m fit and probably in the best shape of my life. So, yes.. I don’t feel unattractive. I want to feel comfortable in front of him. I’m sure part of this stems from years of confidence issues based on my past and over-analytical self. Not to mention I have very low sex drive and some health issues so most of the time I’m in pain (bad back, skin issues.. blah.) And I find my husband attractive of course- and i love him so much- but he has a bit of a stomach that is uncomfortable during sex.. and I feel odd even starring him down.

Am I a horrible wife? I know I have problems.. and I want to solve them.

First point: Horrible wives don’t ask if they’re horrible wives — they don’t care. So no, you are absolutely not a horrible wife, because you clearly love your husband and are seeking answers to create a more intimate connection between you.

I am wondering where your lack of self-confidence comes from. Were there other moments in your past that made you feel uncomfortable about yourself, rather than embracing the unique and beautiful you that God created? If some of your discomfort stems from guilt about previous sexual activity with your husband, please know that God can wipe slates clean. When you ask for forgiveness and turn toward doing the right thing (which is now seeking deep sexual intimacy with your husband), God forgives and heals. You can rest assured that you are the wife you should be and can work past any issues.

If you have experienced deeper hurts (such as abuse), you should probably seek godly counseling to work through those issues and rediscover your confidence.

Practically speaking, take baby steps. You can wear something a little more revealing than usual, that makes you slightly uncomfortable but not horrified, and increase your exposure a little at a time. Turn the lights off, but turn on a small lamp or light a candle. Let your husband explore you a little at a time, starting with the less private areas and moving to other areas, letting you breathe and relax at each increase in intimacy level.

You can work through this, and your willingness and desire to do so bode well for your success. Many blessings!

Thank you so much for your response. I am so sad that I did not see this until now. (I didn’t get alerted by email for some reason.)

I don’t feel guilty about past things before marriage, I do fully believe God has started us new. He is so wonderful. I have suffered through emotional abuse, (not physical ever). I don’t know though, I feel that I have been healed through a lot of it. I feel like I can’t figure it out. I just get panicked and uncomfortable so easily. If I have anything on my mind, i freak out, because I can’t even go to an intimate place mentally with too much stress (which unfortunately has been a lot lately.) I do have some health issues, but my husband has been very patient with me. That being said, I just want to give him what I can. I will try baby steps- but I feel that I have been doing that for some time and haven’t achieved much. I can’t figure out why I have such self confidence issues. I’m a very visual person though and I do find myself comparing and picking myself apart- though I’m really really working on that. I guess I just feel that with all the healing that I’ve gone through, I just feel that I haven’t come very far in this one area.

Thanks for this read. Sex for me is confusing at times my husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. As a child I was molested by a family member repeatedly till I was a young teen. My understanding if sex on a subconscious level was terrifying. He would make degrading comments if I did things wrong. So sex started with the thought “I have to perform or heaven help what he might think.” Sex became a scary thing for me. I had a serious boyfriend from the time I was 16 to about 19 who I slept with. I was from a Christian home so this was a big no but sex was already turned into a dirty secret for me. What’s one more secret? Then I got married at 20 to a different man who was addicted to porn. Again I was this mind set instead of being one flesh with my husband who told me on the constant that I was beautiful and sexy. It never registered as a fact. “Why do you need porn then.” Then I was back to performance again. Omg what if I mess up.. Or do something wrong. Terrifying. After he left me I stayed single for a long time vowing that I was done. Till I met my husband. Strong Godly man who loves me and my children. He has been a wonder for me in sex department. BUT as I said it’s confusing sometime. I have kind of a flag that goes of and I sort of shut down sometimes. He’s sensitive to this and aware of why. I’m never comfortable about being naked with him. I won’t underdress usually till he is undressing me in the mist of Foreplay. He tells me how pretty I am tons of affirmations all the time. Unfortunately I’m pretty unadventurous in bed because I am so self conscious and scared to mess up. I know if I ever did something wrong (I realize in saying that, What the heck could I mess up? I didn’t say this reasoning was logical? Lol) we would laugh and go on. But I would retreat to the back of my mind and beat myself up about it for weeks and terrify and defeat myself. So now I’m learning to love my own skin. Learning how to love myself by seeing myself threw Gods eyes. Slowly I will get this thing. Learn to trust my husband with my heart and body. Thanks for taking the time to write about this. Such a realistic issue so many women deal with. I say all the time I wish I could be like my husband he just likes to be naked. after the kids are in bed the clothes are gone lol. Totally normal for him. With lots if prayers and Gods grace I will get there 🙂

Thank you for sharing your story. To be honest, I sort of want to kick those men who mistreated you early on. (I take that back — not “sort of,” I really want to kick those men). But I see that God is redeeming your situation, step by step in your journey.

My prayers are with you. If you decide you need professional help, don’t hesitate to seek a counselor or recovery group. It is especially difficult to overcome long-term molestation in childhood, although I know many who have. Blessings, Britteny!

Thank you! I’d like to kick them too! Learning who I am in Christ has helped a lot. Understanding Gods heart toward me has also helped. Understand ultimate love has helped me understand the love between myself and my husband. One of the verses that I have really hung on too is.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come.” 2 Cor. 5:17

That means all that old garbage that happened to me is just that, In the trash. OLD and it has gone. He has made me new. I have it hanging in various places around my house as a reminder. Regardless of our messes and how sticky life can get weather threw our choices or things that happen to us. He still makes all things new. Blessings!

I was very concerned reading the comment from the man about his wife’s 100lb weight gain, & all the support he got as well. Speaking as a woman who is 100lbs heavier than when I got married, there’s been a lot that has happened. Pregnancies, miscarriages, babies, c-sections, special needs children, depression/anxiety, being alone all the time while he was out drinking & coming home whenever, finding out those years he spent many of those nights in strip clubs getting lap dances from some probably very good looking young women, & habitual use of porn… it all came to a head last year & I found out for sure what he had been up to. He ‘got saved’ – maybe – he’s lied to me so habitually throughout the years it’s hard to tell anything. He’s also lied to me since last year as well. He says it ‘wasn’t’ me at all, as to why he behaved like that – says he’s an ‘addict’. Counseling didn’t work for us; had an unprofessional counselor & I haven’t tried again. Going on 25 years together later this year & I’m in absolute misery. I can’t go near him anymore, don’t want him near me (wouldn’t want anyone, even a doctor, near me) nor do I believe he should expect that of me, as I don’t trust him one bit, something he says he understands because of ‘all the damage he’s done’. I don’t know if there’s healing for this as it just gets worse. I went into the marriage much thinner but still then feeling fat & ugly. All these years with him sealed it for me; I will always feel that way & know I am. Even though he ‘wants’ me, he still doesn’t act like a husband, & I can’t believe he wants me for real at all after what he’s seen/done. This marriage will continue but technically it’s been over for years & it probably won’t ever be real as it never really was. So don’t knock the poor lady who gained the weight. I look like a fat ugly slob & have always felt like one, even 100bs ago. After what he’s been up to why should he want to see me? He can say he does but I won’t ever believe it. There’s no trust in anything he says. I always dress to cover up, always – baggy is better. I don’t go anywhere anyway so it doesn’t matter. And what he finds attractive, from what he’s been looking at, is never gonna be me, ever. As far as I’m concerned now, we can ‘play marriage’ but that’s it. Nothing physical. I just can’t – I’m way too broken.

But I beg you — just beg you — not to give up. Don’t settle! You are worth more than that. Find a good counselor: Treat it like finding a doctor or a mechanic or a hairstylist; if one doesn’t work for you, find another and another and another until you get someone who helps. Take care of your body — not just so hubby will have a thinner wife, but because you deserve it, beautiful woman! God gave you this body, and you should keep it healthy so you’ll feel good. Believe that your husband wants to see you. I simply cannot stress how often I hear this from husbands, even those who have let their eyes wander to pretty women or porn. (And no, no, no, I’m not condoning these! Lust and porn are so not okay. But I’m not talking to him right this minute.) Most hubbies really do want to see their wives’ bodies, even if we don’t feel that great about them. And finally, I don’t think you really want to simply “play marriage” and that’s it. I hear your brokenness, but I suspect you wouldn’t have come here and commented if there wasn’t some small part of you that longs for something better. Take hold of that sliver of hope, pray for God to grow that seed and make it blossom, and pursue that something better for yourself and your marriage. The personal risk, the extra effort, and the long journey are worth the reward. (My own story is years of a bad marriage transformed into a happy one. It can happen.)

When one is heavy, you get judged harshly. Most don’t understand that it’s not always so easy, & may not be for that other poor lady as well. I have health issues that are preventing weight loss, no matter what I do, & there’s only so much I can do but I won’t go into details. Of course that isn’t helping things for me as it makes me feel worse. Not so sure it matters anymore anyway. I will not go ‘there’ with him, as with the broken trust & other issues it’s just not helping me heal as it hurts every time deep within; salt in the wounds so to speak. So no judgement… it is what it is & I appreciate the prayers.

I just hope that people will take a kinder outlook toward heavier people, because we’re typically a very wounded bunch.

Wow. I’m seriously disappointed in the judgmental presumption going on here. If one’s wife is overweight, maybe it’s because the husband isn’t providing what the wife needs to feel safe and good enough about herself to care. A flower must be tenderly cared for. A wife can sense a husband’s disappointment and disdain, and be permamently wounded by a harsh attitude and hurtful words. Women have looooooong memories. And a wife will give up after awhile when she’s convinced that she can never be good enough.

Do you seriously think fat people want to be fat? Unless you’ve been fat, you have no idea how difficult it is in our American culture. Women should do more to care for themselves? Not all women have the time and money when their children are small or if their children have special needs or disabilities. It takes money to be thin if you’re not a naturally thin or petite woman. When you have to choose between paying the light bill and eating, you’re thankful for the $1 box of macaroni.

Not to mention that stress itself causes weight gain. There’s much more at play when it comes to weight: genetics, adrenal glands, stress hormones, vitamin deficiencies, female hormones, metabolism. There are real physical reasons why people can’t drop the weight. It’s not always psychological or willpower. Some people don’t have the signal to the brain that tells them they are full. Seriously, folks, who WANTS to be fat? Fat shaming is so in vogue it’s no wonder a woman doesn’t want to get naked in front of her husband.

And as for fat preachers–many are that way because it’s how they cope with the tremendous stress they experience as ministers.

90% of pastors are frequently fatigued, and worn out on a weekly and even daily basis
97% have been betrayed, falsely accused or hurt by close friends
80% feel discouraged
78% have no close friends (so food becomes a friend)
95% work 55-75 hours a week
(http://www.thrivingpastor.com/)

Those are just a FEW stats. I know these are true because I’ve been married to a minister for 32 years. It’s a very lonely profession unless you’re pastoring a mega church with a huge staff. My husband has pastored small rural churches.

I’m one of the fortunate fat girls. (Okay, so I’m not a girl anymore now that I’m a “glam-ma.” ) My husband never complained about my size even at my largest. Yes, he does desire me to eat right because I feel better when I do, and he may gently say something to remind me to make a good choice, but he has never belittled me or complained that we didn’t both fit in the shower (we both do now, but there was a season when we didn’t as we were both quite overweight). And seriously, aren’t there more important things to be whining about? If your happiness is all wrapped up in flesh, you’re going to be disappointed and it’s never going to be good enough. The flesh is never satisfied.

Check yourself before you point a finger and see what you can do to make your home a safe place with the room and atmosphere for nurturing your spouse. It’s called unconditional love and acceptance. Real caring includes that. Get your spouse a gym membership and watch the kids while so your spouse can go to workout. Help them discover what makes them happy. Fat people are depressed people. I know because I’ve been there and done that. Chronic depression is a horrible thing to live with. I struggle constantly with it. By God’s grace alone am I able to function in the joy that I do.

Above all, be compassionate, patient and kind. Live 1 Cor. 13. Otherwise you’re nothing more than a clanging gong instead of a loving spouse.

And for the sake of fat people everywhere, stop fat shaming. It doesn’t work. It only makes things worse.