David Huh is dumb

You know something must be obvious when both David Huh and Rick Morrissey feel the need to write about it.Â Today, they both wrote about how the Cubs are bad (gee, thanks for the news flash).Â Huh’s take was even more laughably dumb than Morrissey’s was, so let’s just focus on that one today.

No time for Cubs to wait till next year

Cubs should start playing for future because present is too much like past

Nice headline, and if it means the Cubs should just pack it in and forfeit the rest of their games this season, I’m all for it.Â That would leave more time for drinking without all of the crying!

Pointing to a spot near the handle of the bat in his hands before Wednesday’s 3-1 loss to the Astros, Carlos Zambrano spoke into the camera as if he were an actor in an instructional video.

What, you mean like this?

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDZPN0mjaAA]

It would be titled: “How To Break A Bat And Shatter Confidence In Therapy.”

“If you pick here, you end up on the DL,” Zambrano said smiling.

I hope “here” was your head.

Jokingly, Zambrano described how to crack the bat over his upper leg the way he did in frustration Tuesday night after striking out. Even manager Mike Quade tried making light of the situation with a bizarre “Seinfeld,” reference.

Great.Â I love “Seinfeld.”Â What was the reference?Â I hope it was a Crazy Joe Davola reference!

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5I6CGBNODaY]

When Zambrano completed his demonstration, I laughed along with other media members in the Cubs dugout.

You were laughing at Carlos, I’m sure everyone else was laughing at you.Â Especially Muskat.Â She hates you.

But, really, there is nothing funny about a guy who supposedly underwent successful anger-management classes last July publicly succumbing to rage. There is even less humor in the Cubs’ best starter risking injury with a foolish loss of self-control considering the health issues racking the rotation.

Rage!

Uh, Davey, you do realize that the bat over the knee thing is for show, right?Â When Carlos is actually mad other things happen, mostly involving Gatorade and punching catchers in the face.Â Oh, and what was the Seinfeld reference?

The Cubs can ill afford an injury to Zambrano. It would severely limit his trade value.

A trade?Â That’s a joke, right?

Now that’s no joke.

Huh?Â Look, dummy.Â Carlos is not being traded.Â He has a no-trade and he doesn’t want to go anywhere.Â He’s also overpaid, even though he’s now pretty good again, and so his value is shit anyway.

Hey, what was that Seinfeld reference?

At this point, getting traded for highly regarded prospects might be how Big Z makes his biggest contribution to a Cubs season headed nowhere. Getting swept at Wrigley Field by the worst team in the National League confirmed that direction.

Nowhere’s not really a direction.Â You and your career should both know that.

The only place the Cubs are going this season should be going young.

Oh yes, please, let’s play all of those gloriously gifted “kids” that you media types are always clamoring for.Â Even though they don’t exist.

And yet 35-year-old Doug Davis made his fourth start, a strong one that GM Jim Hendry should have made teams seeking a crafty veteran left-hander aware of before dusk.

Because Doug is blocking all of those great, young, healthy starters down there on the farm like…uh…well, there’s um…well hell, we could just start James Russell again.

Going young isn’t responding to pitching injuries by signing retreads Davis and Rodrigo Lopez, also 35. It’s perhaps signing one or the other, but not both.

When or if Matt Garza ever pitches again, one of those two will no longer be starting, so just knock it off, OK, Dave?Â Hey, it’s not like things are so bad that the Cubs need to waste more starts on a shitheap like Casey Coleman again, though right?

It’s sending gutsy right-hander Casey Coleman out every fifth day for the experience instead of back to Iowa to tread water.

Guh.

I’m not sure what’s more landlocked, Coleman, Huh or Huh’s reference about Iowa and treading water.

Going young isn’t demoting outfielder Tyler Colvin to Triple-A Iowa last month after 62 at-bats in 28 games. It’s allowing Colvin to play more regularly to find a rhythm and get 400 at-bats so the Cubs know what they have.

Oh, for Christ’s sake.Â You don’t need to waste 400 more at bats on Tyler Colvin and his unfortunate buck teeth to “know what they have.”Â What they have is a free-swinging dope who can’t hit lefties and won’t walk.Â He didn’t get on base in college, he didn’t get on base in the minors and he hasn’t gotten on base at Wrigley.Â But please, let’s see more of it.

Going young isn’t waiting to see how long it takes for the rapidly aging Aramis Ramirez to hit his third home run. It’s giving Ramirez ample time on the bench to recover from getting nailed in the lip by a hard grounder, requiring stitches, while prospect DJ LeMahieu gets an extended look replacing him.

You know how many days E-ramis should rest his Bubba Gump shrimp lip?Â One.Â Today.Â The off day.Â He didn’t break his face like Marlon Byrd.Â As bad as E-ramis has been this year, he’s the second best hitter on this team.Â If you’re going to be able to trade him and get anything for him you need to play him.Â Hell, even if you aren’t able to trade him you need to play him.Â I think we can all hold off on our DJ LeMahieu boners for another year or six.

Going young is playing boyish-looking outfielder Tony Campana before they have to send Campana back to his Boy Scout troop â€” even after Alfonso Soriano returns from the DL.

By all means, let’s just play the crooked hat 12 year old in left and let Soriano just sit on the bench.Â I’m pretty sure his much better defense will make up for the fact that his batting average, on base, and slugging will all be a lot worse than the declining Soriano.Â But hey, he’ll steal bases!Â And those really help the cause, don’t they Juan Pierre?

“They’re getting a taste,” Quade said of his young players.

Keep feeding them innings. They can’t do much worse.

Oh no, they can.Â It’s like when Mike Downey was terrible and they gave his column to Rick Morrissey and it was even worse and then they gave it to you and incredibly, you were even worse than him.

Now a season-low eight games below .500, the Cubs have made Quade feel as if he was managing his 18th year in the minors instead of his first full season in the majors.

I guarantee you that Quade doesn’t feel like he’s in the minors.Â In the minors the players were better and the park wasn’t falling apart.

In an awkward moment before the game, Cubs Chairman Tom Ricketts uncomfortably walked away from a group of reporters after a brief, curt answer when someone asked Ricketts what was wrong with his team.

Which one of you did he call Curt?Â Probably Carrie.

“Nothing,” Ricketts replied. “Just a lot of injuries. We’ll be fine.”

As opposed to what?Â “We’re fucked!Â Please, tell people to buy tickets to see how fucked we are!”

That’s one way to look at it with the Cubs placing six players on the disabled list since May 11. Here’s another: Exactly one-third of the way through the season, the Cubs seem like they kinda, sorta want to use 2011 as a developmental year but haven’t decided yet.

Kind of like how you’re writing like you kinda, sorta want to make a coherent point but haven’t decided yet.

Whether it’s trading a guy like Zambrano or a benching, the Cubs have to commit fully to using the present to improve the future in ways that go beyond waiting for contracts to expire before the Albert Pujols sweepstakes.

That’s because all three of those ideas are bad.

Look, I’m for trading anybody on this team not named Starlin (that includes of course catcher Koyie Starlin Dolan Hill).Â But Zambrano’s not really tradeable right now, and if you bench any of the other veterans it makes it a little hard to trade them.Â And as Michael Schur said on a Joe Posnanski podcast last week, “Albert Pujols says he’s 31, but we all know he’s 52.”Â Let somebody else (preferably the Cardinals) pay a shitload of money for the downside of Albert’s career…which has shockingly started in force this year.

They know about their solid double-play combination, their catcher, late-inning relief and proven starting pitchers Ryan Dempster and Matt Garza. They still need to know more about others in Cubbie blue, including Quade.

What do they know about their catcher?Â That he hits sometimes and gets hurt a lot?Â What do they know about Ryan Dempster other than he’s the one they really should be trying to trade, because he’s not nearly as useful as Zambrano is.

What about the way Quade has handled pitchers?

You mean when he tries to save his bullpen by leaving his highly paid, veteran starters in to try to get through the sixth fucking inning?Â Crazy!

Or pinch-hitting Zambrano and some other unusual lineup decisions?

Yes, pinch hitting Zambrano, who is hitting .346 with an .885 OPS (140 points higher than Albert Pujols) is just terrible.Â Better to burn a position player.

Or Quade’s odd rant after the rainout against the Mets and his reluctance to come down hard on Zambrano after that silly bat-breaking incident?

The “odd rant” was Quade ripping his team for playing shitty baseball.Â Very odd.Â And we’re not still blathering on about Carlos breaking a bat over his knee for the 147th time in his career, are we?

There are enough questions to wonder if the Cubs really know what they don’t know.

Maybe they don’t know who has the key to the batter’s box or where they put the left-handed fungo bats?

In the tunnel connecting the dugout to the clubhouse, somebody flipped the “u” in Cubs upside-down. Now that was a funny stunt in the spirit of progress.

I haven’t seen stunts that funny since ABC cancelled The Fall Guy.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2l3a7lsEgFM]

There’s nothing this Cubs season needs more than an immediate U-turn.

If by that you mean back to Mesa for more fake games.Â I agree.

6 Comments

Homer Jay
on June 2, 2011 at 6:20 pm

I call him David Haughful

Santo10
on June 2, 2011 at 9:51 pm

My brain hurts after that one. I hope Z now brakes a bat every single time he gets out.

patpieper
on June 2, 2011 at 11:20 pm

April 20th, May 2nd, May 3rd, May 12th, June 1st, June 2nd, I’ve got June 19th. Who’s with me?

Phil Rogers
on June 3, 2011 at 6:04 pm

That was an excellent article by Dale Haupt!

Carlos Zambrano
on June 5, 2011 at 4:00 pm

I break bat on knee when I get mad. Like when Marmol blow save after I pitch gem. Serious, how in hell do give up hit to little fucker Theriot?