Lunatic Fringe Bureau: In
the aftermath of last weeks hammer attack against
the Liberty Bell, a Philadelphia shopping mall has
created a giant get-well card so people can express
words of encouragement to the ailing monument.
The bell-shaped card is located at the Franklin Mills
shopping center, beneath a 25-foot-tall talking Benjamin
Franklin.

The Log Supper: In case the previous
item didnt convince you the nation has gone
completely bonkers, we now take you to San Francisco,
where a conceptual artist named Nicolino is about to
unveil a 1,000-pound bra ball
sculpture made from brassieres donated by supermodel
Naomi Campbell and 20,000 other women. Nicolino, who
previously wanted to fly a 40,000-bra tapestry over the
White House using 10 breast-shaped helium balloons, says
the new masterpiece will conclude his involvement in bra-based
art.

Fortunately, Nicolino isnt the only artistic
visionary in our midst. A Michigan organization called
Dog Scouts of America is teaching canines to paint. And a
Catholic school in Northern California is selling a chainsaw carving of The Last Supper
hewn from an ancient redwood. The 1-ton artwork is being
auctioned on eBay. The piece is described as impossible
to duplicate -- it took one man, one log and divine
inspiration to create.

In other art news, the TV Land cable network, which
recently erected a statue of bus driver Ralph Kramden (a.k.a.
Jackie Gleason) at New Yorks Port Authority Bus
Terminal, just commissioned a Minneapolis statue of Mary
Tyler Moore tossing her hat in the air.

So why travel to the Louvre or Prado when theres so
much great art in the United States? This reminds us of a
recent incident at Houstons Museum of Fine Arts. As
recounted by writer George Will, a construction crew was
working in the sculpture garden and placed a velvet rope
in front of a bronze bas-relief and covered the art with
burlap for protection. When a gust of wind later loosened
the burlap and exposed part of the artwork, workers
overheard museum visitors discussing the deep
symbolism and implication of the artist having covered
his work in burlap and why he allowed the public only
partial access to what was there. Visitors
also pontificated on the appropriateness of
the texture of the burlap in relation to the medium used.
And what the use of the velvet rope meant in
juxtaposition to the base materials.

Bad Influences Bureau: The chief medical
executive at a British insurance company claims that
Teletubbies give children the message that its OK
to be fat.

On the other hand, maybe that will balance out messages
from Barbie dolls that women should have 18-inch waists.

Weird Polls: 65 percent of people who
file their tax returns early also roll their socks into a
ball when folding laundry, according to a survey by Ikea.

This is Your Brain on Drugs: A New
Mexico psychiatry professor studying the effects of DMT,
a psychedelic drug, reports that half his subjects
hallucinated visits from space aliens, talking crocodiles,
bees or midget clowns.

Furby II Alert: The company responsible
for 1998s annoying Furby toy craze is about to
unleash a sequel called Shelby, a fuzzy talking clam with
a 275-word vocabulary.

Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: Dead
Mom-In-Laws Teeth Still Nagging After 12 Years! Fed-up
Couple Call in an Exorcist to Shut the Dentures Up!
(Weekly World News)

This gives us an idea for a new Furby toy called Zomby, a
fuzzy pair of dentures with a 275-word vocabulary.