When Happy Places Turn Sad

This past October of 2015 my husband, Brett, and I had reached a point in infertility treatments that we decided to move on from just medications and injections to IUI (Introuterine Incemination, Read more about each of our treatments in my blog post Pins and Needles). The specialist we were working with was very optimistic about this cycle. Me being me, I didn’t want to get my hopes up. But I was really looking forward to the fact that things were looking up for us and that we really did have a chance with this! And besides, having kids was something that we had prayed for and longed for, so why would it not work.

Around the time that we were going to do the procedure it was exactly 2 weeks before we were going to go to Florida to visit my parents and go to Disney. The day of the procedure came around and I was so nervous. All the ultrasounds leading up to this day looked great and there was nothing to cause alarm. So we were a go! Next phase…the dreaded 2 week wait!

For anyone who has ever gone through fertility treatments before, these two weeks of waiting for the pregnancy test can be somewhat annoying and bring on anxiety you would not believe. Luckily, I didn’t have it quite as bad this time around because I was preparing for our trip. A trip to one of my favorite places.

The day of the HCG blood test landed on the same day as the day we were going to be driving out to leave for Florida. So we stopped by the clinic on our way out of town to do the test and the whole day I was so antsy in the carto hear the news. And then we got the call that afternoon. It was positive! We just looked at each in the car and were so excited! Now was going to be the fun part, they wanted to track the hormone levels so they wanted a blood test every 2 days. Fun trying to do that while on vacation, but we figured it out, and we did it!

The first 2 were normal and nothing to be alarmed about. The nurse said that they weren’t rising as fast as they would have liked but they were still rising and not dropping so that was good. Then the 3rd test came around. We went to the lab that morning and went to spend the day at Disney Springs. This is one of my favorite places to hang out and just enjoy the day. While we were there with my parents, I got a phone call I will never forget. I was standing right outside the World of Disney store.

The nurse came on the phone and told me the hormone levels had dropped to zero, meaning I had lost the pregnancy.

Miscarriage. Again.

I fumbled through the phone call and when I hung up, I just lost it. Not the way I wanted to end an evening. I had so many thoughts going through my mind right then that none of it made sense. I had so many hopes that were built up in me because of this. Already planning for life with a baby. All taken away from me with one phone call. We got through the rest of the night but it really wasn’t the same mood. Not as exciting and fun as it was the moments before the phone call.

We now live in Florida and work and Disney World and are at Disney Springs quite often. That phone call runs through my mind every time I go. No matter how hard I try and push it out. It is always there. But then I think, maybe that is a good thing. Maybe it’s God’s way of keeping that precious little life apart of our family. A part of our story.

We named her Annabelle. Anna meaning Merciful and Belle meaning Beauty. Our little Annabelle will never be forgotten and will always be loved even for the short amount of time that we had with her.

So that happy place that turned sad will never be same for me. But, sad and depressing moments are also used to grow us. To turn us into who we are today. And, that sad memory is now a way for me to remember that precious life that was used to help us grow our faith and grow closer together as a couple.