Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life

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What do Americans really want when it comes to sex? And is it possible for us to get what we want? Justin J. Lehmiller, one of the country's leading experts on human sexuality, has made it his career's ambition to answer these questions.

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In the canon of sex research, far more energy and attention has been devoted to the act of having sex—how, when, and with whom—than to how people think about it when they are on their own. Which is one reason why Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction and the author of the blog Sex and Psychology, decided to conduct the largest-ever research project on sexual fantasy and desire, and write a book about it-Tell Me What You Want, published earlier this month ... In general, Lehmiller finds many of the the results of his study 'reassuring.' 'We’re not trying to replace our partners,' Lehmiller says. 'We’re just trying to amp our sex life up a little bit.'

In Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help Improve Your Sex Life, Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute, aims to shed light on sexual fantasies—who has them, how common they are, and the psychological purpose they serve. While Alfred Kinsey famously wrote about people’s sexual behavior in the 1940s and 50s, he failed to ask about their desires. And yet, says Dr. Lehmiller, 'they can be a roadmap, pointing to which of our psychological needs are being met and which aren’t.' The author arrived at his findings by surveying more than 4,000 volunteers. This methodology unfortunately makes his sample nonrepresentative, although the approach is understandable given how reluctant people still are to talk frankly about sex. Another drawback to the survey approach is that readers confront repetitive laundry lists and variations of activities taken from the questionnaires ... The book includes a 15–question quiz intended to reveal your secret desires. It concludes with icebreakers, tips on how to start a conversation about sexual desires, and ways to turn your fantasy into reality.

What do you want in bed? Sexual fantasies are among the most taboo of topics—awkward to talk about, even with a partner we know well ... A new book by Justin Lehmiller, sheds some light on the topic of fantasies, including who has them, how common they are and how they change over a person’s lifetime.