The Dry Cleaner Syndrome

A new definition for insanity.

It all started a few years ago when a new dry cleaner, Kno-Washee (fictitious name, but pun intended), opened up near my house. Being the posh kind of guy that I am, I wear a fresh dress shirt every day – ironed, pressed, and starched. That means frequent trips to the dry cleaners, and being a very busy fellow, I valued the convenience that Kno-Washee was bringing to my life.

The first time I subjected my unsuspecting 100% cottons to this establishment I noticed that the Chinese clerk/alterations-lady was not, shall I say, overly-friendly.

I’m not inviting her over for Boggle, I thought. Who cares how friendly she is? Maybe if I worked in a store that was not much larger than a medium-sized toaster-oven I wouldn’t be so friendly either?

The first few deposits and withdrawals were uneventful. The starch content was a bit paltry and some English language skills could have helped matters, but the turnaround time was swift, the price was in the acceptable realm, and best of all there was no line (always important for BUSY people). I kept going.

Trouble began soon after. Unwelcome yellowed spots began to invade my wardrobe. I brought it to the attention of Miss Toaster-Oven, thinking she would be pleased to be notified that perhaps some of the laundresses in her factory were eating bananas on the job. I was mistaken.

“YOU did this,” she suggested, subtlety pointing her index sewing finger surprisingly close to my midsection.

“OIL STAIN!” she declared.

Apparently, the preparatory classes she attended concentrated on certain key phrases that would be most useful for her enterprise in my neighborhood. But “Our fault,” “We’ll try again,” and “No charge,” were not high on the list. “Oil stain,” “No understand English,” and “Next!” were all seen as more serviceable.

In my early naiveté, I would foolishly argue as to the culpability of the infraction, and occasionally she would even agree to wash them again (it didn’t help). But, by and large, I became accustomed to expecting the occasional yellow visitors every now and then.

But a short time later, Kno-Washee upped the ante – they lost one of my shirts. I liked that Hilfiger button-down. They did promise me $30 if the shirt was not found, but it took them over a month and about a dozen reminders before they declared the item irrecoverable.

I began getting more and more annoyed with them, but strangely unwilling to change venues.

I began getting more and more annoyed with them, but strangely unwilling to change venues. I asked friends which dry cleaner they frequented, but each one had his own unique tale of dissatisfaction:

“My shirts are never ready on time.”“Parking near there is impossible.” “A little pricey…”

While those annoyances seemed less severe than spots and lost shirts, I still couldn’t seem to make the obvious and necessary move. It was almost as if I preferred to complain than remedy – not entirely rational.

While mired in my funk of complacency, I then received a new opportunity to make my exit – a small, but quite noticeable hole found its way about four inches from the bottom of a Hart, Schaffner, Marx selection of mine. Depending on the size of my girth on any particular day, my belt either did or didn’t cover the unwelcomed aperture. My annoyance was morphing into plain old anger, which was exacerbated by Miss Toaster-Oven’s refusal to accept responsibility for their recklessness.

Time marched on and I experienced a streak of several consecutive weeks without incident. But instead of enjoying my good fortune, I couldn't shake a sense of foreboding doom. I knew it was just a matter of time. About a week later, the shoe dropped. A gash near button number four infected the center of a Joseph A. Bank beauty that was less than three weeks old! It looked like someone had used a box cutter to iron my poor defenseless shirt. What was wrong with these people!?

This time I wasn't going to wait. I stormed out of the house and headed straight to Kno-Washee. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Once and for all I would give them a piece of my mind.

But when I hit my corner, I suddenly stopped in my tracks. This is going nowhere, I lamented. They don't even understand English. Other than just letting off some steam, there really was no point. It was then that the anger finally shifted from them to me. If I chose to suffer, I had no one to blame but myself. I declared that I simply could not, and would not go back there ever again. If the true definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results, I was more than qualified for the loony bin.

But believe it or not, four days later I went back to Kno-Washee with shirts in tow. Before you dispatch the men in the white coats to come and get me, permit me to explain. I did a lot of thinking during those four days. I had gone through a saga that was enormously frustrating and seemingly irrational. What normal, self-respecting person would subject himself to constant, predictable abuse? To be irritated with them is normal. To be upset with myself seemed also to be rational. But why couldn't I just leave? What kind of masochist had I become?

Strange as it may sound, it was my answer to these questions that told me to go back. It's not that I wanted to punish myself or that I was too timid to make the switch. I kept going back because I decided that convenience was really the number one, top priority for me. I decided that bringing my shirts to a place so close to my home, with no line (you now understand why), was actually worth the occasional mishap, misplace, or misfortune that I suffered. It was a cost that I was willing to pay, for the convenience that I desired. There was no point getting angry or upset – not at them; not at me. With that simple yet profound realization, my attitude changed completely.

You are not a self-loathing, dysfunctional masochist. You are simply deciding that after all is said and done, the job is still worth it.

We all experience our own versions of the Kno-Washee syndrome. We moan about the lousy pay, the obnoxious supervisor, or the long hours that we face at work, but more often we don't quit. First we get angry at the boss or the owner, then we get angry at ourselves for accepting the less than desirable conditions, but rarely do things change. The point is that it is really okay. In most cases, you are not a self-loathing, dysfunctional masochist. You are simply deciding that after all is said and done, the job is still worth it – despite all the travails and tribulations. It is a true expression of your free will.

We argue with our spouses and decry all the changes that they need to make, but usually we conclude that the problems we face are still worth staying in the marriage. We complain about the horrors of living in the city, but most of the loudest complainers never leave. Psychotic thinking? No. It's called prioritizing. When we keep a keen eye on what our real priorities are, our decision making process comes into sharper focus. I had discovered with a newfound clarity that getting angry at anybody was misplaced and totally unproductive.

The key to mastering this reaction is setting aside time to think through matters before they occur:

What are my priorities in this marriage/job/dry cleaner/contractor/class/computer/purchase/date etc.?

How much imperfection will I accept? Where will I draw the line?

How will I prevent frustration from morphing into useless anger?

Naturally, there are cases where real abuse does occur. And sometimes people do punish themselves and accept more suffering than is healthy. Definitely there are lines that should never be crossed. But with a little prior preparation and some clear understanding of what is most important to you in each situation, you can save yourself a lot of headaches and frustrations.

So if you can't help but snicker the next time you see me walking down the street holding my dirty shirts, I'll forgive you. Why not? I even forgave Kno-Washee.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Rabbi Yaakov Salomon, C.S.W. is a noted psychotherapist, in private practice in Brooklyn, N.Y. for over 25 years. He is a Senior Lecturer and the Creative Director of Aish Hatorah's Discovery Productions. He is also an editor and author for the Artscroll Publishing Series and a member of the Kollel of Yeshiva Torah Vodaath.

In these marvelous stories -- brimming with wit, understanding, a touch of irony and a large helping of authentic Torah perspective -- we will walk with a renowned and experienced psychotherapist and popular author through the pathways of contemporary life: its crowded sidewalks, its pedestrian malls, and the occasional dead end street. This is a walk through our lives that will be fun, entertaining -- and eye-opening. In our full -- sometimes overfull -- and complex lives, Yaakov Salomon is a welcome and much-needed voice of sanity and reason.

His speaking, writing and musical talents have delighted audiences from Harvard to Broadway and everything in between. Rabbi Salomon shares his life with his wife, Temmy, and their unpredictable family.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 35

(35)
sheila ginsberg,
December 20, 2010 4:35 AM

c ommentary

It is wrong to accept such disgraceful service.We have ourselves to blame for the quagmire within which we find ourselves.Instead of weighing the pros and cons and essentially allowing an unacceptable situation to continue, we should assertively but politely complain to the manager or owner (if we get no help).If this person does not rectify the lousy dervice we should go to another place even if we are inconvenienced by having to travel farther. It is because of this laziness on the part of the consumer that we now suffer with horrible service.We await u p to an hour to get Verizon,and then we are transferred to the wrong office across the country.Digital response systems abuse the public and have eliminated human jobs.Dry cleaners are abundant. Do not patronize non-English speakers, or uncaring establishments.We deserve the mess we are in unless and until we take proper action.Often when I complain I hear that I am the first person to do so.Most people complain to their family and friends but DO NOTHING. Wake up fellow Jews and help to bring good service

(34)
Louise Dohn,
November 14, 2010 6:21 PM

Is this not the best article!!!? It speaks loud and clear right where one needs to hear (and apply LOL) it. And I am passing it on to others.

(33)
just moved,
November 8, 2010 3:15 AM

people love giving advice!

these comments are simply amusing-- ever heard of "just listening"? Why jump to give advice at the first second? Do you think the Rabbi has never heard of a free-pick-up dry cleaners? Never heard of non-iron shirts? He said it himself-- that sometimes one chooses to go the non-sensical way-- just because!! Let's not always think we have the advice that'll really help. Just sit back, listen/read... take something from it, and move on...

(32)
Shlomo,
November 7, 2010 10:42 PM

Choice

This sounds very much like cognitive restructuring, a technique used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. You decided to change your response to the negative stimulus of the Dry Cleaner by reframing your priorities.

(31)
Dave Page,
November 7, 2010 12:00 AM

Non-Iron

May I suggest you go either on line or to a store of which there are many to purchase a non-iron dress shirt. A bit more, but you wash and then take them out of the dryer looking freshly pressed. I have been wearing these for well over seven years.
When you don't have a fresh pressed looking shirt to wear the only person to blame is yourself. I have almost completely eliminated my interaction with dry cleaners, which I have found horribly frustrating through the years.

(30)
t.b,
November 5, 2010 4:59 PM

BRROKS BROTHERS NON IRON!!!

NUmber 18- BROOKS BROTHERS NON IRON BEST EVER!!!. A week after we were married someone met my husband and said oh wow your wife irons your shirts well!!.Best compliment that i never got...invest in brooks brothers it'l do urself good and keep the right ppl in bussiness!!!.Thank you Rabbi salamon your articles are worth it!!!

(29)
misha,
November 5, 2010 3:41 PM

Cool article

fun and informative article with a great attitude. you're right! the little stuff tends to be "king" and as it is written "don't despise small beginnings..."learning to deal with the annoying stuff can only lead to greater strength when faced with real problems. Point well taken and thanks Rabbi!

(28)
drycleaner man,
November 3, 2010 10:27 PM

i know how to make yellow stains disappear...

there are a number of jewish religous dry cleaner owners in your neighborhood that offer free pickup and delivery...now that is convenience...perhaps that is the way to go ..support your bretheren with quality and service

(27)
naomi,
November 3, 2010 5:40 PM

change dry cleaners!

this sounds like the convienience factor has worn out it's value- did you switch yet? sometimes in life we really do need to change and not just sit around in status quo land with miss toaster oven- yea sure don't throw out important things like a spouse or a job but by all means change can be great sometimes!

(26)
Chang,
November 3, 2010 5:25 PM

NO OFFENDED

Is okay, Rabi I Chinesee and I no offended ! You rite good!

(25)
Anonymous,
November 3, 2010 1:51 PM

REALLY ENJOYED IT!

So good, Iread the whole tail (!)

(24)
Anonymous,
November 2, 2010 6:30 PM

Kno -Washee could be interpreted as racist. If a gentile told a story with an intentionally Jewish 'name' I might suspect anti -semitism.

(23)
Steve Goldstein,
November 2, 2010 2:58 AM

Old Joke

Reminds me of the old joke -- lady complains after a plane flight. "The food was lousy -- and such small portions!"

(22)
Pessy,
November 2, 2010 1:55 AM

Great article

Really hit home. Thank you R' Solomon, and may you continue to do great work.

(21)
r mll,
November 2, 2010 1:52 AM

Anita Bryant is a singer Anita Hill was involved with the judge

YOU DON'T MEAN ANITA BRYANT,THE SINGER,OF "PAPER ROSES" FAME-- YOU MEAN ANITA HILL,THE WOMAN INVOLVED
Well I did think less of Anita Bryant for working for Judge Thomas and then shafting him publicly when his break came especially when I discovered that she had changed institutions when he changed institutions to keep working for him, despite all her complaints, and before the big shaft. What kind of person leaves a job to follow someone to keep working for him and then when he is given the biggest opportunity of his life, then complains nationally that she was a "victim" at work? I remember getting a call from NOW trying to raise funds as a result of Anita Bryant and I said I didn't believe her. And the woman attempting to collect money for her charity threatened me that she would take me off the NOW calling list and mailing list because I thought that way. I said "that's a threat? By all means go ahead." and I never heard from them ever again. She sure showed me, not :

(20)
Anonymous,
November 1, 2010 11:16 PM

same experience

Rabbi Salomon, I thoroughly enjoyed this article, and am laughing because I had the same experience, at what is most likely the same dry cleaning establishment (I Iive close by and so am fairly certain by your description that it's the same place). I too was shocked at Miss. Toaster-Oven's response to losing my new skirt. I repeatedly stated it was new, and therefore, she should give me more than the $30 she offered me, but she continually replied that it was not new, because there was a stain on it!. When she charged me the $4 to retrieve the other, non-lost item i was picking up, I thought to myself, "poor thing, all she had to do to keep me as a customer was throw in a few items for free". But no, the thought probably never crossed her mind. In any case, I too was sure I'd never step foot in there again, but alas, the convenience and low prices called me back....

(19)
Bobby 5000,
November 1, 2010 7:00 PM

Great post- you don't get everything you want

People have to make choices and that is an important lesson in our culture. I want to get the new car but I also want to save for my child's college; how do I do both, I want my husband to be home more often and go to our children's events, but I need him to make more money so we can redo the kitchen.
The author evaluate the situation and make a sensible determination. There was no lofty principle involved in spending 3/4 hour travelling. Better to spend that extra time doing Tzedakah, than wasting free time to prove a meaningless point. Evaluating what is important is the first step to solving problems.
Good post, particularly in our I AM ENTITLED TO EVERYTHING I WANT CULTURE.

(18)
craig,
November 1, 2010 5:23 PM

Brooks Brothers- Non Iron shirts.

haven't been to the cleaners in 8 years.

(17)
SusanE,
November 1, 2010 3:34 PM

And Yet, You Need Her Don't You?

Am I the only person who finds these references very disrespectful against the Chinese lady? Rabbi, certainly these are made-up comments you have written about for the article and you don't actually speak this way about the lady and her business? Actually why need to mention her nationality at all?.-------------------------
Kno-Washee - Chinese clerk/alterations-lady - medium-sized toaster-oven - starch content was a bit paltry and some English language skills could have helped - Joseph A. Bank beauty - laundresses in her factory were eating bananas on the job - Miss Toaster-Oven - I even forgave Kno-Washee.
--------------------------------------- “YOU did this,” she suggested, subtlety pointing her index sewing finger surprisingly close to my midsection.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I agree with the lady's statement
Welcome back from Israel.

(16)
Anonymous,
November 1, 2010 3:32 PM

It's not a mitzvah to forgive in this case.

there is no "Mitzvah" to accept shoddy work . I had the same experience, and I got nowhere with the owner, not even an appoligy, so after 4or 5 shredded shirtsand and an expensive table cloth that became yellow and shredded. we found another cleaner four blocks away, more expensive and less convient but no more shredded shirts . between my wife and I, we could easily spend 100 dollars a month or more. and a lot more when my kids were home. if they lose enough 1,500 dollar customers they will get the message. They are just taking advantage of you because you are a nice guy. Years ago I was engraving a 'becher' and accidentally damaged it, I paid for the replacement, it cost me alot , but that's menchlichkeit. you shouldn't deal with people who just rip you off.

(15)
Anonymous,
November 1, 2010 2:01 PM

Plain old Masochism

For a smart, together guy, this story makes no sense at all!! Many years ago a "no washee" I was frequenting lost my nicest set of linens. They reimbursed me (a paltry sum) and I never went back. I think there are more inexpensive ways to prioritize!!!

(14)
ruth housman,
November 1, 2010 11:06 AM

letting off "steam": to the dry cleaner's

It's interesting how one can so easily "pun" in thinking about the punishment, that was self inflicted by continuing to use this establishment. The metaphoric connect with what we put up with and why, are certainly compelling. It seems we can draw metaphoric connects all the time, out of our lives.
Holding on to anger and often realizing, which battles are worth fighting and why we act as we do, and what makes sense for us personally, is a good lesson as explicated well by this story, out of a life.
I go to a great laundry called TOPS, actually, the real name.
These folks not only do a wonderful job, but they are courteous and reasonable. In other places I have been "taken to the cleaner's".

(13)
Marvin Greenberg,
November 1, 2010 10:25 AM

HELP REQUIRED?

Do you have a mentor or councillor or at least a personal psychotherapist or perhaps purchase a few wash and dry shirts without the fancy brand names!

(12)
Anonymous,
November 1, 2010 6:38 AM

Good point, but no excuse on the other's behalf

Well said, Rabbi. You make a very valid point. We really have no one to blame for things but ourselves. Most situations really are in our hands to fix. It's just a matter of wanting to. This really puts free will into a whole other context that I never considered. Although it still doesn't excuse Kno Washee for treating you like that. But then again, I guess that's between her and Hashem.

(11)
TMay,
November 1, 2010 5:53 AM

agree

Well I did think less of Anita Bryant for working for Judge Thomas and then shafting him publicly when his break came especially when I discovered that she had changed institutions when he changed institutions to keep working for him, despite all her complaints, and before the big shaft. What kind of person leaves a job to follow someone to keep working for him and then when he is given the biggest opportunity of his life, then complains nationally that she was a "victim" at work?
I remember getting a call from NOW trying to raise funds as a result of Anita Bryant and I said I didn't believe her. And the woman attempting to collect money for her charity threatened me that she would take me off the NOW calling list and mailing list because I thought that way. I said "that's a threat? By all means go ahead." and I never heard from them ever again. She sure showed me, not : ) .

(10)
Tsvi Aryeh,
November 1, 2010 2:23 AM

I dunno, Rabbi.

It must be New York. I'd rather do my own shirts in the middle of the night, rather than put up with nonsense. Mind you, I'd be nice to the cleaner, but firm--and you need to talk to the owner ( who could be the lady out front!!) and get new shirts for the destroyed ones. Doesn't NYC have a BBB? A TV station consumer reporter?
Hilfiger is not known for being pro-Jewish, so that shirt may not be a loss. You could also just buy new shirts every month and toss the ripped ones, but I guess I'm glad that I don't live in New York. I dunno, Rabbi.

(9)
Levy,
November 1, 2010 12:00 AM

I decided once for all

I decided once for all that after the first such encounter, thyere would be no more frustration and anger. Just find a good dry cleaner, especially a stable one who works with ethics and according to rules here.
If you are certain that stains are her fact and she does not acknowlege it, you have the choice (even though this dry cleaner is a neigbor) to go elsewhere. YOU decide which is best for you. But beware, some day, she may return ALL you shirts with stains!
Again, your choice.
Avner

(8)
Anonymous,
October 31, 2010 8:46 PM

Wow, I am not alone! :)) I thought that I was the "only one" with the arduous task of dealing with folks that really go out of their way to annoy me or at least that is what I think sometimes. I ask myself if it is worth getting angry or just changing those things that I can change. I do the things that I can change. Thank you for this article and dryer sheets because I hate to iron.

(7)
Helen ferrieux,
October 31, 2010 7:24 PM

Not wishy-washy

Your thinking is excellent. Yep - you suffer the frustration and the occasional tears (in your shirts or in your eyes) but YOU balance the pros and cons and YOU decide which is the better bargain for YOU.

(6)
Rachel,
October 31, 2010 6:53 PM

I think another insight in human nature can be gained from this piece. You touched upon this slightly in your essay, but you didn't go any further. You said that we would prefer to mope and suffer instead of trying to find a solution. I think this happens a lot when we are sad and frustrated, and it is in our power to change, but instead of acting on it we choose to just sit around, mope, and complain.

(5)
unlisted,
October 31, 2010 5:03 PM

Dry cleaner that delivers?

Don't they have dry cleaners where you live that pick up and deliver? Or perhaps there's a concierge/personal errand service that could take and pick up your shirts from a cleaners that does the job without damaging or losing your shirts? The extra charge would more than compensate for the damage to your expensive shirts, and your time is worth something, as well. I hate rewarding businesses that give bad service with my hard-earned $$.

(4)
Otis R. Needleman,
October 31, 2010 4:37 PM

Yes, in some ways.

You are correct that we must judge the benefit versus the aggravation. But in the case of the cleaners, I would not only have stopped going there long ago, but told everyone I knew not to go there.

(3)
Norm,
October 31, 2010 4:04 PM

Stupidity is its own reward

Surely you're joking. Ruined shirts are not acceptable. By putting up with it, in the name of convenience you got what you deserved . . . Ruined shirts and a surley, thankless staff waiting to dish out more of the same. Run Forest, run. N.

(2)
Sharon,
October 31, 2010 10:59 AM

Not everyone thinks like this

I stay with Orange (Partner) cell phone service company in Israel, because despite the very bad service and mistakes, I have the best deal around. On one occasion my son witnessed someone at the service station yelling at them and in the end paying a large sum to exit his contract with them. He didn't think ahead that none of the others would be much better and he'd be starting a huge deficit.

(1)
Anonymous,
October 31, 2010 10:12 AM

OUCH!

I paraphrase....
DIAGNOSIS- establishing the cause and nature of an illness.
PROGNOSIS-prdiction/ estimate of a chance for recovery....... Selah...

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!