…or not as the case may be. Learning how to juggle family, work, friends and me time.

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I’m holding my hands up…I’m a sweary mum. I TRY my hardest to keep it clean whilst Charlotte is around but if some knobhead (oops) cuts me up in traffic I am likely to call him (or her) out on it at high volume and it comes out of my mouth before I remember to censor it for my 5 year old’s ears.﻿

My attention was brought to my effusive language after catching Charlotte dropping some form of F bomb whilst walking away from me not once, but twice this week. My heart sank. I’m a failure as a mum.

“What a silly, naughty man” is sooo much less cathartic than “What a fucking dick” though, don’t you think?

I hardly ever remember my parents swearing when I was younger. We would get reprimanded if we said ‘crap’ which seems to be a pre-watershed word nowadays. Bugger was ok, just. Bother was preferred. When pushed during my teen years my mother may have uttered the f word but sort of muted herself when she said it. Much like when your nanna has to say ‘lesbian’.

I obviously did not inherit this restraint.

Nope, I’m the mum who swears and then wishes she hadn’t because she isn’t quite sure if the mum she’s talking to is a kindred spirit or one of those mum’s who suddenly look like you’ve hurt their delicate ears when you call someone a wanker.

I’ve also come to realise I’m the colleague who swears. Open plan offices are not ideal for this. My job makes me say ‘for fucks sake’ approximately 100 times a day so keeping that internalised would surely be bad for my health! Luckily my team mates are well aware of my colourful language but I’m sure not everyone approves.

I wish I was more mild mannered and I have tried, but it’s too hard to keep all the effing and jeffing in and filter it to a more child friendly/ work friendly chiding and so I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not the end of the world.

Telling someone ‘I fucking love you’ makes it seem all the more true and heartfelt (sniff), telling someone they have acted like a dick helps you get your point across more strongly and if Charlotte needs to try these words out at home then it’s not the end of the world. I would be a pretty massive hypocrite if I said she couldn’t use those words wouldn’t I?!

It’s parents evening this week though so we’ll see if she’s been dropping them anywhere else as well. 😬

Walking the tight rope
Mental health is a bitch. It is a reactive, sensitive balancing act that, for some, seems like no problem at all and for others can be a precarious tight rope walk, just waiting to fall and hoping there is a net somewhere deep below.

I was on that tight rope for a long time. I suffered with depression for many months, if not years and I suffered from post natal depression (PND) and anxiety with maybe a bit of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) thrown in there after having my daughter. Every now and again I feel like I’m back on it, wobbling. Not very often thankfully but every now and again. Today is not one of those days but I can completely understand how someone feels up there.

My blog name is theperfectjuggler, which, for the most part is a ‘tongue in cheek’ name but, sometimes that extra ball can be the difference between having good mental health and it all going down the pan very quickly.

The government have, this week, said that they will be putting more funding into mental health care. Perfect timing as Monday 16 January is known as ‘Blue Monday’. The most depressing day of the year.

They want to make workplaces more able to help and support those with mental health issues, they want schools to teach about how to maintain good mental health and for teachers to know how to be aware of children who may be developing mental health issues and how to deal with those who already have them. They are also upping the funding into mental health services for pregnant women and new mothers. All of which have been seriously lacking. I agree with this focus and hope that they actually see this initiative through.

Ironically I have just had to tell the department I work for that I will no longer be able to lead their Wellbeing group as my own mental health was suffering. This one added responsibility which I was passionate about and enjoyed, was the ball I could no longer juggle, and before I dropped it I had to put it down voluntarily.

I know lots of people that are suffering with ‘bad’ mental health, 1 in 4 of us will suffer with a mental health issue in our life time and I just want to say, I get it. I get feeling so low that you want to hide. I get that you don’t want to talk about it. I get that sometimes, it seems like the best way for everyone would be if you weren’t around anymore. I get that you didn’t think you could cry anymore but you do and I get that some people don’t get it.

I also get that it can get better by focusing on the good things in your life and removing some of the bad ones, by not letting yourself become insular and selfish, by helping yourself climb back up the ladder to the tightrope, even if it’s just one tiny step at a time. It can get better by seeking help, and support from professionals, from family and from friends. By developing resilience techniques like mindfulness, meditation and exercise, to use when you next have a wobble. And lastly to realise that you can’t necessarily change what happens to you but only you can change how you deal with it when it does.

Two days ago I had surgery to have my gallbladder removed. It was planned as I’ve been having issues
with it for a few months but up until the very last minute I didn’t think about the fact that I was about to go into hospital to actually have an organ removed, and when I did I started crying. I realised that I had organised for my daughter to be looked after for the first few days but I hadn’t actually thought to make sure that I would be looked after.

My mum was dropping me off at hospital and would then pick me up after all was done but it dawned on me that I’d be waking up in the recovery room on my own because, stupidly, I didn’t think I’d need anyone there. My boyfriend would have been there if he could but has been working away and is poorly himself, my mum and dad reacted like it was just another normal day and nothing out of the ordinary was happening, my best friend is out of the country feeling very helpless as she couldn’t be there but it was my own fault. I’d pretended that I’d be ok, I’d pretended that I can cope with being on my own all the time but as you’re walking towards the anaesthetists room in a backless gown, compression socks and slippers you kind of wish that someone else would be walking with you. Nothing sexier than compression socks

I did wake up on my own, in a lot of pain and, after crying because I couldn’t breath without it hurting, the nurse asked if anyone was with me I just started crying all over again. She then asked if anyone was coming to see me and I had to say that I didn’t know and cried a bit more. I was all alone at one of the most vulnerable times and I’d let that happen.

I had to stay in over night as me and morphine do not get on well and my blood pressure dropped quite drastically. I did get a visit from the boyfriend who looked almost as broken and tired as me but it was a lonely few hours waking up expecting to have slept for hours however looking at the clock and realising it was only 45 mins.

I am now at my parents house because, as Mum had to help me get my shoes on when picking me up, I think they realised I’d probably not survive on my own straight away and they have been looking after me ever since.

It has taught me something though, that I really should put myself first more often. Or at least a close second after Charlotte because there are times when you just can’t do everything yourself and sometimes you need to accept that and just ask for help.

I have a confession and those of you who follow me on Instagram may have twigged by now…

Nope, I haven’t had a mental breakdown…well not quite anyway!

Nope, I’m not pregnant (thank goodness)

Nope, I’ve not killed someone at work and writing this from a prison cell (that’s probably the most likely of these three options)

But yep, this serial failed dater actually has a lovely, legitimate boyfriend. Sound the fanfair!!

My first sneaky photo of us.To those of you who have never read my blog before this might not seem like a fanfair type event. Everyone has relationships don’t they? But after three long years of being single and dating a myriad of idiots, knobheads, commitment phobes and emotionally unavailable men I finally seem to have found a good one. The coveted needle in the haystack.

It was a marvel that I ever met this guy in the first place though as I cancelled all my dating apps (yes, again) and declared that I would be single for a year without looking for ‘the one’ (yes, again) after I got screwed over by a deceivingly ‘nice’ guy (yes, again).

There was, luckily, one guy who slipped through the net though and despite all my new promises to myself we kept chatting and eventually managed to meet up and the rest, as they say, is history.

Now we have been dating for three whole months and I think I’m getting the hang of how to have a boyfriend at 32 and when there’s children involved. Yet another learning curve to make my way up but I’m enjoying it so far.

This morning I have, so far, done two loads of washing and hung them out, cleaned my bathroom, unblocked a u-pipe (or whatever it’s called), been adorned with stickers, watched crap kids programmes and had the obligatory morning argument with Charlotte.

Despite all this I really do live for my weekends at the moment and this one is no different.

I’ve had a pretty rubbish week. A scan which showed I have gallstones (even though that wasn’t actually what they were looking for), a hot and sweaty trip down to London, a horrendous pain in my abdomen that has lasted three days and counting, which apparently has something to do with the aforementioned gallstones. Work is just awful at the moment. We’ve had tantrums every evening either due to over tiredness or the heat and I’ve also been messed around by yet another sociopath. So yeah, it’s been emotional.

So I’m hoping this weekend is better.

Whether I have Charlotte or whether it’s one of my child free weekends I’m determined to make the most of them so after a bit more tidying up we’re off out to find a gluten free and now low fat/no fat lunch and then heading to a street party in the heart of Warwick. Then dinner with a friend.

I will not let one shit week crush me but if next week could be better, that’d be great!

Also I’m starting Blurt Foundation’s #365daysofselfcare challenge as I know I’m rubbish at looking after myself and it’s becoming apparent I need to for my health and sanity! Come and join in with me on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook.

It was my birthday last week and I’m now the ripe old age of 32. A huge amount seems to have happened over these past two years, some of which is documented on this very blog as I started writing just after my 30th birthday. I feel like I have learnt a lot, sometimes the hard way and some I have just happened upon through pure fluke so I’ve jotted them down to remind me. Some are a bit deep, others entirely the opposite but all are true to me.

Having children doesn’t mean you must cut your hair shorter. I for one look awful with shorter hair.

I can, pretty much, make it through any challenging situation…just.

You only live once. A cliché but a damn true one so make the most of it!

Your health matters, so pay attention to it.

Experimenting is a good idea in all areas of your life…food, fashion, f…(you get the idea).

Making a mistake is not the end of the world.

Tell your real friends you love them.

Unfollow or unfriend people off Facebook or Instagram whose posts irritate you.

I still don’t like goats cheese no matter how many times I try it.

If I stop moving I seize up and it’s a lot more difficult to get going again.

You will meet amazing friends in the strangest places if you are willing and open to find them.

I wear my heart on my sleeve which can sometimes means it gets bruised more easily..

Earl Grey tea is actually very nice.

My wardrobe now has less clothes that are better quality, rather than the other way around.

Same with my make up.

Bright lipstick isn’t actually that scary.

Sometimes I would rather eat an amazing salad that something deep fried.

Saying ‘No’ and standing your ground is amazingly empowering.

You are allowed to aspire to be in a job which you love…goals are good.

Dresses actually suit me much better than trousers.

Being selfish isn’t always a bad thing.

Doing something good for someone (even if very small) is one of the best ways to boost your mood.

I now ‘mum dance’ but I still do it anyway.

All parents are winging it. They are lying if they tell you other wise.

Despite all my body hang ups people still seem to find me attractive, therefore I shouldn’t worry about them so much.

I’m now much less tolerant of just smiling and nodding.

My eyes are my best feature. (Sorry boobs)

Netflix is definitely worth the membership fee.

Being a single mum means my daughter is my best friend and my enemy number 1 all at the same time.

Whilst wasting time passing some time on Pinterest I came upon an infographic entitled ‘The Single Girls 30-Day Challenge’. Now, I am single girl (…lets not mention that the rest of my divorce still hasn’t gone through yet…) but not many of the challenges seemed particularly realistic so I tweaked a few and ended up with this, much more do-able, 30-day challenge. But as its the 1st February and I’ve crossed a couple off it can be my 29 (ish) day challenge.

I love those BuzzFeed lists. Especially the ones where it mentions somewhere local to you or a place you’ve been, or things you remember in the 90’s…and their quizzes (that I never share the answers to because they’re too true and my parents are on Facebook) and their videos about how to create a perfect fishtail plait (still not perfected it). But I have found that checking your Facebook feed at 11.30pm on a Sunday and clicking on a BuzzFeed list, when you should really be in bed asleep, is not a good plan.

10 Gorgeous Bras.

Ooo, I thought, I love a gorgeous bra. Click.

Nice

Nice (if you have no boobs)

Nice if you don’t have to wear anything over it

Nice (if you have no boobs)

Nice (if you are a size zero and have no boobs)

Nice

Ooo, really nice…’You can get this from Ann Summers’…click, damn it- didn’t mean to click that link…

Ooo more nice bras…

Ooo a sale…

A sale that is only on for another 30 mins!!

‘Type in your bra size’…type, type, click,

Ooo bras in my size!! (doesn’t often happen)

Ooo, I like that one

Ooo they have matching knickers

Ooo, they’re in the sale

Ooo, Add to basket, click, click…

Well I might as well have a look at the rest of what they have on offer…

And that, my friends is why you should not read BuzzFeed posts late at night and, why I had to go and collect a large parcel from my new neighbours this evening which, not so subtly, said it was from GOLD GROUP HOUSE and to send any returns to AS Ltd.

As is a custom on this day each year I wish you all a happy new year and wonder where the bloody hell 2015 went?? I am also picking up my keyboard, blowing the dust off and posting something on my blog, which hasn’t happened for some time! I guess I just got fed up of always posting depressing reads and longed for the day I could post something positive that I wouldn’t have to take back a week later because my judgement of a situation maybe wasn’t quite the real deal.

But after an exhausting few months at work, various health scares and hospital visits for both myself and my friends and family I just didn’t feel like picking up the pen to fill you lovely people on yet another crappy moment of my life so I went quiet. But I did miss posting…and reading comments from my lovely readers lots.

Just a little round up of the festive season.

Taking a glance back to my last New Years post, I actually have done lots of the things I said I would for which I’m very proud! I have got a new job and even a promotion at that! I finally moved house and, I (with help from my miracle worker/sleep consultant) even sorted out Charlottes sleep, meaning I had more me time and a happier daughter too! I’m not sure I’ve yet learned what I should do with that time but that’s part of my goal for this year.

So on to 2016 and this time around my main goal is to say “no” more.

My new mantra…

I am a people pleaser. I am well aware of it and it’s a family trait. I like making other people happy, I like volunteering for things, and I like to keep busy. I get a warm and schmushy feeling when I help out but I have begun to find that being this person all the time is actually detrimental to my health and wellbeing. I book myself up to keep busy and help others and then moan because I don’t have enough time to keep on top of the day to day things that would help me live a calmer life. So, for once, I’m going to be selfish. Not in a’selfish bitch’ way but I’m going to come first for a while and look after me. (OK, let’s be honest, I’m always going to be second to Charlotte but that would be a major improvement!)

One of the things I enjoy doing is writing my blog and I’m hoping that I haven’t lost all my readers and I can pick up the pen and keep you posted.

Please let me know what your goals are for the year in the comments below and I hope you all had a lovely Christmas break.

Today I did not go the extra mile. I was on the way, literally, but my brain kicked in and told me not to. It wasn’t because I’m a bitch, it wasn’t because I was lazy, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to do it; it was because I actually couldn’t do it. Or, I could have but it would have cost me. Not money or time (although it actually would have) but it would have caused me to put that one extra thing on my plate that would have caused the plate to break or drop the ball using my very own juggling analogy. Roughly how I’m feeling – although i wish i looked this good in a sequined basque!
It wasn’t even a big thing but it was something that would have made a difference to an event I’m running. It would be a nice to have definitely, but after leaving work late after yet another busy day, picking up a tired daughter from nursery (last mum there again) and then picking up a crazy dog desperate for a walk I thought “what on earth am I doing”?

I am in the middle of a really busy and high profile piece of work at the moment with tight deadlines and a lot of reputation all risk. This doesn’t all fall on me but I obviously don’t want to drop a ball there.
I am trying to decorate and renovate a house (luckily with help from family and friends) in time to move in by the end of September and also trying to sell a shared ownership flat which seems to be a process not unlike wading through treacle.

I’m trying to coordinate an exciting event that the Wellbeing Group, of which I am the main driver, has organised which is tomorrow.

I’m trying to be a good mum to Charlotte which involves not being the last mum to pick up their child every day and having time, and the energy to spend quality time with her when we get home.

I’m trying to be a good friend, especially to my best friend who is getting married in a week and a half! I am trying to keep on top of the housework and I am trying to take some time for myself.

But trying isn’t good enough for these. I want to be actually able to succeed in all of these but something had to give this evening so I didn’t do something. The world won’t fall apart from it. The event will still run tomorrow. My colleagues won’t know what I haven’t done but my daughter has had time with me and I have had time to decompress a little from an, already, very busy week.

Sometimes we have to put things in perspective and driving out of my drive this evening was a ‘click’ moment. I drove up the road, turned around at the roundabout and came home again. Doing this extra thing would be good for the wellbeing event but not for my wellbeing and I suppose I should lead by example.

It’s not selfishness to put yourself as number one sometimes – it’s essential and I’m glad I remembered that this evening – just in time! I urge everyone to take at least 30 mins to prioritise yourself this evening, it can make such a difference! Happy hump day xx