‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills': Yoyawnda’s broken heart club

That is some prime b-face right there, Jacqueline, I mean, Joyce. (bravotv.com)

I’m a week behind. I BLAME ANDY COHEN. I mean, why would you air a new episode on Christmas Eve eve? EVERYONE RUNS RERUNS ON CHRISTMAS EVE EVE, ANDY COHEN! And then to schedule another new episode on New Year’s Eve eve? I SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING: YOU ARE TRYING TO KILL ME, ANDY COHEN. Ay, dios mio. And in conclusion: I am sorry this is so late. Also, Happy New Year and Merry Christmas.

So Jacqueline Joyce and her big pudgy babyman of a husband (David? Michael? I don’t care?) go out for sushi so that Jacqueline Joyce can 1. demonstrate that she had her babyman are “maaaaaadly in love,” which, sure, ask Kyle about doth protesting and what constitutes “too much,” and how that works out for everybody, and 2. so that she can bring up on camera, again, Brandi and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad racist thing she said when she called Jacqueline Joyce a “black person” because she doesn’t know how to swim. “NO!” says Babyman. Jacqueline Joyce then tells him about the whole insult to her name thing, how Brandi insists that the name “Joyce” is for a “big fat pig” and not for someone as lovely as Jacqueline Joyce. “NOOOO!” says Babyman instead of, “hey, she did say you were pretty, right? I mean, a backhanded compliment is still a compliment, ¿verdad?”

Speaking (negatively) of Brandi, she and her squadron of Amazons are joined by Kim, Kyle, Mauricio and Corolla to look for the missing Chica by plastering the block with missing signs and screaming “CHICA!!!” every once in a while. Shockingly, they do not find Chica.

Carlton, meanwhile, continues to sexually harass her poor helpless nanny by locking the poor dear into an oversized closet filled with sex toys and lingerie whilst yammering about her plans to turn the closet into a dungeon or “playroom” or something, I do not know, please stop making me look at Carlton in ball gags, yick.

If I have to look at this, SO DO YOU. (bravotv.com)

Elsewhere, Lisa and Grandpa Ken oversee the construction of their newest gay Vanderbar which presumably will have its own spin-off, too, so that Andy Cohen can invite the “staff/cast” onto Watch What Happens Live! and hit on them.

The resemblance is uncanny … Or, should I say “uncaniney.” PUN! (bravotv.com)

And Kim. Kudos to Kim and her crazed pitbull, Kingsley for making vast improvements in Kingsley’s behavior since we last saw them together. They seem to be listening to the trainer’s advice and Kingsley certainly seems much calmer and less prone to violently flinging himself at the throats of Kim’s guests. Of course, the weird head muzzle Kim borrowed from Carlton and strapped Kingsley into probably helps things as well. That said, there still appear to be some improvements to be made — namely in Kim and Kingsley’s rather unhealthful co-dependency issues — and to that end, Kim is sending Kingsley off to doggie sleepover camp with the trainer. Kim is reluctant to let her best friend and bedmate go (see: co-dependent), but, somewhat sadly, her son convinces her to let Kingsley leave by comparing sending Kingsley to doggie sleepover camp and leaving her to Kim leaving her children to go to rehab. This just got deep, y’all.

Oh boy, another Yoyawnda Foster dinner party to celebrate her husband, David Foster, Musical Genius, some Canadian tenors, who knows. Before the party, Yoyawnda drags us along to the florist, because that’s interesting. There, Yoyawnda somewhat self-consciously acknowledges that she spends an ungodly amount of money on flowers, an item that is ultimately perishable and, let’s be frank, useless. And for this, this minutest glimmer of self-awareness, this infinitesimally small instance of consideration that, “hey, this is a ridiculous and gross display of wealth and conspicuous consumption and maybe the people on the other side of the screen might find this not glamorous and enviable but actually kind of stomach-turning,” for this I give Yoyawnda the most begrudging and equally small credit. Because let’s be honest: it still doesn’t stop her from not only spending the cash on a bunch of flowers for a dinner party to celebrate her husband, David Foster, Musical Genius, some Canadian tenors, but also taking us along to gawk as she does so.

So, you know.

LEMONS. appropriationofthekimono.tumblr.com

Also, Yoyawnda has that blustering English catering guy back at the house, injecting innocent strawberries with Grand Marnier, if you are interested. It’s important to Yoyawnda that we understand that when she has a dinner party, you’ll never see the same table twice, because you might as well just go to a restaurant. This confuses me, as I consider going to a restaurant and going to a friend’s house for a dinner party not particularly comparable experiences. But then again, I’ve never been to one of Yoyawnda and David Foster’s famous Don’t-Sing-Alongs, so what do I know.

Shortly before the dinner party is set to begin, Carlton calls to beg off, suddenly not feeling well and not wanting to put Yoyawnda’s immune system at risk. David Foster, however, is NOT HAVING IT, and clutches his pearls, aghast that she called so very late. OH CALM DOWN, GRANDMA. Carlton is a busy woman who has sex dungeons to build and goats to sacrifice to the Triple Goddess and nannies to make feel uncomfortable: sometimes things come up at the last minute, it happens.

In a decision that could have gone very, very poorly (but unfortunately for us does not), Brandi and Kyle ride over to Yoyawnda’s in a limo together, where Brandi informs Kyle that some mean old lady tore down all her missing Chica signs because they were violating the HOA (Which HA! Wow! How awful do you have to be to tear down missing dog posters? Like the very worst? I think you have to be the Very Worst!). Kyle invites Brandi to model in some upcoming fundraiser for The Kidz, you know, the sick ones; and by “model” Kyle means, “walk around my store in outfits I pick out for you.” OK, sure, whatever, says Brandi before whining about Lisa (and to a lesser extent, Yoyawnda) Vanderjudging her for drinking so much. Brandi then suggests that she and Kyle get their buzz on now before going to the dinner party. Yes. Good plan. Most definitely do that.

People start arriving at the Fosters': Kyle and Brandi, soon followed by Joyce and Babyman, Kim and finally Lisa and Grandpa Ken. Yoyawnda explains that Gigi will be playing the role of Carlton tonight BUT NOT EATING CARLTON’S FOOD BECAUSE SHE HAS A CAREER TO THINK ABOUT, and then everyone talks about how gorgeous and successful Gigi is becoming as a model, just in case you were wondering. It also gives Brandi a chance to make a snide comment about Jacqueline Joyce being jealous of any women who are younger and prettier than she is, which on the one hand is kinda funny and gives Jacqueline Joyce a chance to remind us that she has her own pageant to “empower” young women, but on the other, oh, Brandi. Pot and kettle, honey.

Brandi then goes on to accuse Lisa of having Vanderimplants, which quickly devolves into Brandi, Lisa and Kyle grabbing each others’ breastages. It’s fun and classy and certainly not making Lisa unVandercomfortable, why would you even say that?

Mauricio, who was out selling three houses (!) that afternoon, finally arrives and everyone is able to sit down to dinner where they discover that some of the women (Brandi and Lisa) have little hearts drawn on their name place cards, while other women (Kyle, Kim and Jacqueline Joyce) do not. Kyle takes great offense to this, demanding Yoyawnda explain herself. Yoyawnda insists she did not do it consciously, but then goes on to laugh that she was designating her “dream team,” a reference to Kyle’s Palm Springs’ accusation that Yoyawnda, Lisa and Brandi were on “a team” together. Now, Yoyawnda was clearly being facetious, but, because we need some sort of conflict in the episode, everyone has to look put out and insulted and hurt. This is definitely something to be upset about and to whine about in an interview session, Kyle and Jacqueline Joyce.

Over dinner, Mauricio and that Babyman that Jacqueline Joyce is married to talk about how much their wives changed after they married them — that Kyle and Jacqueline Joyce no longer want to do the adventurous things that they were up for before they put a ring on it, and WHATEVER, DUDES, THEY ALSO HAD CHILDREN AFTER THEY MARRIED YOU, WHICH, BY THE WAY, MAKES SOME PEOPLE DECIDE THAT MAYBE IT’S NOT AS COOL ANYMORE TO FLING ONESELF OFF THE TOP OF A MOUNTAIN OR INTO THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN OR OUT OF AN AIRPLANE BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THERE ARE THESE LITTLE PEOPLE AT HOME WHO ARE DEPENDENT ON THEM, BUT SURE, HAR HAR HAR, THEY JUST PRETENDED TO DO THESE THINGS WITH YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE TO LOCK IT DOWN BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, CHICKS, MAN.

Ugh.

At some point during this, Lisa notices the Brandi is beginning to get that certain drunken loll in her eye and Vandertsks in her general direction. Brandi does not care.

David Foster then toasts his guests and explains that they will be enjoying a musical “treat” after dinner. Kyle snarks about not being allowed to sing along, and in that moment, if David Foster could have killed Kyle with his brain, he totally would have.

Yoyawnda then toasts David Foster for not leaving her when she was recovering from a debilitating and potentially life-threatening illness. Yes. Cheers to that. You’re a hero, David Foster.

Jacqueline Joyce then babbles some sort of toast in Spanish, who cares. Brandi helps make it more interesting, God bless her, by interjecting her own notes on the toast, which include: “SAY IT IN ENGLISH.” Jacqueline Joyce then tries to tell some story about her “baby,” and by “baby,” she means “Babyman,” which is gross, but accurate. Brandi interrupts to ask how many babies, exactly, Jacqueline Joyce, has, and Jacqueline Joyce explains that she has two “little ones,” and Babyman. At this, Brandi leers at Babyman, asking if he’s a baby or a man. “Both!” Babyman says. (Note: He does not say this.)

There is something about Kyle and Kim’s sad made up childhood language that they created so that they could talk smack about Kathy Hilton in front of her. And then the Grand Marnier-injected strawberries come out and everyone makes Botox jokes because Los Angeles.

David Foster introduces his four Canadians who sing opera-y songs and everyone has to pretend to pay attention and like it and ohmygodisitoveryet BECAUSE THIS IS SO BORING YOU ARE BORING ME NOW. GODDAMMIT, DAVID FOSTER, I DIDN’T THINK YOU COULD BORE ME MORE BUT SOMEHOW, SHOCKINGLY, YOU HAVE. ENOUGH. THAT IS ENOUGH TENORING.

But, hey, Kim dug it.

thisismynight.tumblr.com

And then everyone goes home because GO HOME, EVERYONE, and Jacqueline Joyce and Babyman chat in the limo about what a terrible person Brandi is, isn’t she the worst? (No. No she is not. She’s actually quite terrific, dummies.)