Bargaining

For me, the bargaining stage of grief was brief, twisted, and selfish. It wasn’t “give me this and I’ll do that” kind of bargaining; it was far more convoluted in nature. I remember when he was born, C was immediately taken away and was on a ventilator 1/2 hour later. I struggled so much with recovering from my c-section that I didn’t see him again until he was almost two days old, and then I saw him only because they were airlifting him to another hospital. I remember thinking that if he died and I hadn’t held him, I would be less attached to him and therefore would feel his loss less. And somewhere, in the deep recesses of my mind, I was thinking “If don’t love him, God won’t take him away.” As if he wouldn’t attract God’s attention if he weren’t loved. What kind of vindictive God was I thinking about, exactly, and where did that image come from? I know now I was trying to shield myself from the unimagineable pain I would feel if this child died, but it’s strange to me now to see how my mind was working. It’s bizarre and difficult to admit, but it’s only now, years later, that I can recognize what I was thinking at that time.