It seems appropriate that, on his evening of potato despair, the last word should go to Ian Copestake:

"I want to thank John Thompson for the Stoddard's recommendation. It is good to find a place open beyond 12midnight in what I was beginning to think was still a Puritan run town. I would pay it a visit if I get enough cash from selling my spoon."

Godspeed, Ian. Goodnight everyone else.

10.04pm BST

Well, what a remarkable game that was. It featured some Mourinho-esque defending from Benfica, but in truth Juventus didn't create enough to properly trouble them. Jorge Jesus dances onto the pitch and to celebrate the win, and they'll be back in Turin in a few weeks to face Sevilla, whose late goal has beaten Valencia.

10.02pm BST

FULL-TIME: Juventus 0-0 Benfica

And that's it! Benfica are through to the final. Remarkable performance.

10.01pm BST

90 mins + 8: Benfica look to have this in the bag now. They're in the corner, and have a throw. But they give it away. Last chance for Juve...

10.00pm BST

90 mins + 7: Buffon is up for the corner. It's headed down and a line of Juve players look to pick up the scraps on the edge of the six yard box, but they're all offside.

9.59pm BST

90 mins + 6: Pirlo ambles up and tries a shot, but it hits the wall and goes out for a corner. Last chance...

9.59pm BST

90 mins + 5: Asamoah tries a stupid shot from miles out, but lucks out as Salvio blocks it with his arm. Booking for Salvio, and he'll miss the final. Looked harsh.

9.57pm BST

90 mins + 4: Tevez tries a shot from the edge of the area, but it's straight at Oblak. Jorge Jesus is pacing around on the sidelines like a man whose wife is going through a tricky childbirth.

9.56pm BST

90 mins + 3: Amid all of that, it wasn't clear how much stoppage time there will be - it'll be six minutes, at least.

Late drama in the other game, as Sevilla score in Valencia to make it 3-1 on the night, 3-3 on aggregate, which will take them through on away goals.

9.54pm BST

90 mins + 1: Garay doesn't look in good shape. If he can't continue, Benfica will finish the game with nine men, after the red card and having used all of their subs.

9.53pm BST

90 mins: Claret is spilled. Juve throw one into the box, Pogba throws one of those legs at it but catches Garay in the chops, and blood appears. Plenty of injury time in this one.

9.53pm BST

Red cards for Vucinic and Markovic

88 mins: FIGHT! After that foul on Sulejmani, it all kicks off on the touchline, with everyone seemingly involved. Clattenburg however picks out Vucinic, an unused sub, and Markovic, who has just gone off, and flashes the red at both. Nobody/everybody likes to see that.

9.51pm BST

87 mins: Chiellini's an interesting character, eh? He goes up for a header and takes out Sulejmani. Quite how he's still on the pitch is a mystery.

9.50pm BST

86 mins: Pogba is popping up everywhere now, trying to create something on the right side of the box this time, but he's muscled out, remarkably.

9.49pm BST

83 mins: That's Markovic's last act, having run himself into the ground. Sulejmani replaces him.

9.48pm BST

82 mins: Oooh, now, Chiellini is a lucky puppy. Markovic gets around him, breaks into the area and is in on goal, until the Juve defender grabs his shirt and pulls him over, but nothing is given. Lucky, lucky puppy.

9.47pm BST

81 mins: Some superb shots of some rather crazed looking Juventus fans celebrating what they thought was the goal, only for their dreams to be dashed.

Meanwhile, Matt Dony reaches out with a hug: "Come on, now, John. It's easy to bandy around words like 'loser', (especially on an MBM!) but I'm a bit worried about Copestake. Maybe we should all have a moment's quiet reflection on his position, and hope he can get a decent meal and glassware soon. We're all behind you, Ian. It's going to be all right."

9.45pm BST

GOA....oh no, wait, it's been disallowed.

80 mins: Juve think they have the goal, as Pogba gets one of those ten-foot legs to a cross at the far post, steering it back into the middle for Osvaldo to smash home, but the Frenchman was a yard or two offside and the flag, rightly, goes up.

9.43pm BST

79 mins: Oh boy. Marchisio is involved straight away, curling a ball over to the far post from the left channel, where Lichtsteiner is free and in acres, but he lets the ball slip under his foot. He looks so sheepish he could provide the wool for a comfortable merino sweater.

9.42pm BST

78 mins: Giovinco attempts a shot from range, but it goes well over. Andy Townsend audibly 'tuts' on commentary. Sure, missing the shot will hurt, but disappointing Townsend will really cut deep.

Double sub for Juve as they go for the win - Dani Osvaldo and Claudio Marchisio replace Llorente and Vidal.

9.40pm BST

77 mins: Ian Copestake's back, and he's holding out a hat:

"If John Thompson wishes to send me the funds so I can pursue the levels of happiness that reside in wielding spoons in Northend restaurants rather than in a Boston hotel then I will pass on my bank details."

9.40pm BST

76 mins: Change for Benfica. Salvio comes on for Gaitan who, shall we say, takes his time getting off the pitch.

Meanwhile, Valencia have gone 3-0 up through Jeremy Mathieu in the other game. Quite a turnaround, and they now lead 3-2 on aggregate.

9.38pm BST

75 mins: Siquiera does well to intercept a Juve attack, then he powers through the middle of the field, gets to about 45 yards from the home goal and tries to lob Buffon. He, to put things mildly, is not successful.

9.37pm BST

73 mins: Caceres very nearly gets into an awful pickle as he gives the ball to Gaitan, but the Juve man gets away with it as the pass to Markovic on the far side goes awry, and the attack ends.

9.35pm BST

72 mins: Rare attack from Benfica, as Gaitan gets down the left and crosses, but it goes over everyone's head and out on the far side.

Meanwhile, Sebastian Giovinco comes on for Bonucci.

9.33pm BST

70 mins: Tevez makes some room for himself just outside the box, jinks round one man, opens his body and tries to curl one into the far corner, but he only succeeds in curling it into the keeper's hands.

9.33pm BST

69 mins: Is John Thompson attempting to start a 'beef' with Ian here?

"I think Mr Copestake is re-defining the word loser! He’s in Boston, home of some of the finest restaurants in the North East and some of the best Italian ever in the North End, and knowing his proclivity for all things theatrical his hotel is probably in the Theatre district so he’s in close proximity to some very good wine bars (ex Sip) and also Stoddards, one of the best gastro pubs in the city (with a oaken carved back bar shipped all the way from Yorkshire) and he’s in his room eating a spud with a spoon!"

Red card for Perez

67 mins: Possible turning point here as Perez gets a second yellow card for a fairly needless foul on Vidal. Silly stuff, and the last 23 minutes will be a siege now.

9.30pm BST

66 mins: Up the other end Caceres goes in with what looks like two feet on Rodrigo, but he gets away with it.

9.29pm BST

65 mins: Superb defending from Benfica denies Juve. A cross by Vidal seems to be heading for Llorente, but Luisao gets there ahead of him, the ball then nearly breaks to Tevez but Garay hooks a leg round the ball and clears. Some claims of handball by Lichtsteiner, and it did appear to strike someone's paw, but nothing is given.

9.27pm BST

63 mins: Tevez is barreled over near the edge of the box, gathers himself for what he assumes will be the free kick, but nowt is given. He's not happy.

Neither must Ian Copestake be. I'm thinking of just handing this MBM over to him: "In what remains of the match some of Juve's players need to earn the right to wear their hair in the extravagant manner."

9.25pm BST

62 mins: Pirlo takes the free kick and appears to take Oblak by surprise by shooting for the top corner. The Benfica keeper gets there, but only just.

9.24pm BST

61 mins: Perez gives the ball away to Tevez, then completely atones for his error by wi...no, wait, the opposite of that - he shoves Tevez to the floor and gets himself a yellow card.

9.23pm BST

59 mins: "How is Clattenburg's hair holding up in this rain?" asks Kevin Dias. It's a miracle of modern science.

9.22pm BST

58 mins: Benfia win a free kick out on the right, it's swung over but a combination of defenders eventually get it clear.

Rain status: all the animals in the Turin area are frantically seeking a partner.

9.21pm BST

57 mins: "The problem is, 'cool' is wholly subjective," writes Matt Dony. "Luke Chadwick's mother probably told him he was cool, and who are we to argue?"

Well, you raise an interesting point Matt, but there's subjective then there's subjective.

9.19pm BST

56 mins: Buffon is not at all happy after Rodrigo breaks through, takes a heavy touch then appears to leave a foot in on the Juve keeper as he dashes out to claim. Ref Clattenburg seems to agree, producing a yellow card for the Benfica man.

9.18pm BST

55 mins: Ian Copestake appears to be going through an interesting time in his life:

"My own personal German tv commentator has just called that Rodrigo shot a "fette chance" which makes me smile at the ambiguity of language that a phrase in one country can mean a great chance but the same phrase "fat chance" means the exact opposite in another. Maybe we should take a moment to think about this yeah?"

9.17pm BST

54 mins: Pogba controls a difficult-looking pass from Pirlo, flips it over the top for Asamoah who chases with Markovic and wins a corner. The rain is reaching Se7en levels now.

9.15pm BST

52 mins: Asamoah bounds down the left again, and flips a cross into the box, but Luisao gets there at the near post to head it away.

9.14pm BST

50 mins: Eeeee, close for Benfica. Siqueira chucks a long throw into the box, it breaks for Rodrigo with some space in the box, but he is slightly off balance, rushes the shot when he perhaps had a bit more time, and it goes over. Best chance of the game for the visitors.

"To the future losers of this match, I have a message. I am staying in a hotel in Boston and eating a baked potato with a spoon and a knife (no fork here), and no plate so am eating off a tray. I have a bottle of wine to hand but am drinking it ala that guy in Sideways, out of a paper cup. The moral of this tale? Stop moaning about your "loss" and grab yourself a different cup. Cheers!"

9.09pm BST

46 mins: The players are out, with Jorge Jesus giving his pep talk right until the moment they emerged from the tunnel. The second half is underway.

9.02pm BST

Mike MacKenzie have another suggestion for the Cool List:

"Surely Dmitri Berbatov has to be mentioned in any consideration of cool ... I think that Paolo Maldini and Gigi Buffon are also in the top rank."

Incidentally, here's a splendid Joy of Six from last year on cool sports stars, from the boy Daniel Harris.

9.00pm BST

"Not being the quickest, I had not realised Juve needed to score," duuuurrrrs Ian Copestake. "Thinking the 2-1 was the other way round I wondered a) why the Juve coach seems to be approaching apoplexy at every opportunity 2) why Benfica seem so casual/inept as an attacking force. Now all is clear. The world is back on its axis."

8.54pm BST

Half-time: Juventus 0-0 Benfica

Peeeeeeeeeeeeeep. That's the break, and Juve will wonder how it's still goalless, as they have had by some way the lion's share of the ball, and gone close on a number of occasions, but are yet to penetrate the visitors. As it were. Remember, Benfica are still 2-1 up on aggregate.

8.52pm BST

45 mins + 1: Oi vey another close one. Asamoah breaks free down the left, but with a few options he chooses to belt the cross over. Vidal gets there at the far post and puts a diving header into the ground, it loops past Oblak and towards the far corner but Luisao is there to head the ball away.

8.51pm BST

45 mins: Caceres bawls at the referee (Mark Clattenburg, incidentally) for not doing his bidding/awarding him a throw deep on the Juve right. Two minutes added time.

8.49pm BST

43 mins: Juve go close again, as Bonucci gets up for a header at the near post which flashes across goal, but eventually goes wide. Benfica clinging on a bit here.

8.48pm BST

42 mins: Pirlo goes close-ish again, firing a shot across goal from just outside the box.

8.47pm BST

41 mins: Tevez chips a nice ball over the top which Vidal runs onto, but Amorim tracks his run and makes an excellent tackle to deny the bull-like midfielder.

8.46pm BST

40 mins: Gaitan slides a ball down the left looking for the run of Rodrigo, but Chiellini is there to yomp across and mop up the danger.

8.44pm BST

38 mins: Gaitan's in the wars again, going down after a challenge with Bonucci. A spot of minor rough-housing, but no more with that one, I think.

8.42pm BST

36 mins: The ball goes over from the Juventus left again, and Vidal gets to it at the far post and he tries to lob the keeper from a tight angle, but it goes just wide. He gives the crowd a big ol' gee up to let out some of his frustration.

8.41pm BST

34 mins: A quick bit of research suggests that the NME have actually stopped doing the Cool List, the last one coming in 2011, in which potty-mouthed rapper Azaeila Banks got the nod.

Pogba swings a cross/shot over from deep on the right but it goes just wide.

8.39pm BST

33 mins: Excellent play from Pogba to rob Perez in midfield, he plays forward to Llorente who lays off towards the forward-rushing Vidal, but Gaitan does well to get back and clear the danger.

8.38pm BST

31 mins: "Ach," I imagine Pirlo says, as he tries a shot from the edge of the area that deflects off his own player (Tevez I think) and goes wide.

30 mins: Jorge Jesus is shouting at something or other on the touchline. He looks like an unscrupulous lawyer or banker in a film, who's hiding a dark secret that the hero has uncovered, but people won't believe. Perhaps that's what upset Tim Sherwood.

8.34pm BST

29 mins: Ah, Stefan. Lichtsteiner sees some space open up in front of him in the right channel, drives into it but tries a low shot when he had better passing options on, and his effort is easily saved.

8.33pm BST

26 mins: Valencia now leading 2-0 in the other game - that's all square on aggregate.

Justin Kavanagh has another one for the cool list, that will surely supercede the NME's at some point: "I'd vouch for Mr. Paneka as the coolest footballer ever. Anyone with the bottle to try that— against West Germany and in a European Championship final, for crying out loud—deserves an ice statue of him to be permanently kept refrigerated in Wenceslas Square. And he did it under a non-too-friendly regime who might have viewed a delicate dink into West German arms to be something of a political protest. Pirlo and the rest are mere imitators."

8.32pm BST

25 mins: Snap shot from Tevez from about 15 yards out, but it flashes over the bar.

Nico Gaitan is down having received a thwack to the bonce, claiming that Lichtsteiner elbowed him. It didn't look terribly deliberate, but there could well be quite a shiner developing near Gaitan's eye.

23 mins: Pogba channels Kerlon (remember Kerlon? clip below) by attempting a sort of 'seal dribble' out on the left touchline, juggling the ball on his head a few times, and then as he tries to bring it down, is taken out by Perez. He's quite cross about it, as would you be if you had that haircut.

8.28pm BST

22 mins: Maxi Pereira attempts a shot from about 40 yards out on the right that is as ambitious as Iain Dowie asking Salma Hayek out. Like one presumes Mr Dowie would be, Pereira is unsuccessful.

8.26pm BST

20 mins: Pirlo gets the ball out on the left, cuts back onto his right and drifts a cross deep to the far post, where Vidal tries a rather optimistic acrobatic volley, and it arcsover the bar.

8.25pm BST

19 mins: Delicate, silky work down the left between Pogba and Asamoah gives the latter a chance to cross, but Markovic is back to help out his defence, and blocks the ball. Still, lovely, lovely stuff from Juve.

8.23pm BST

17 mins: Vidal fair hoys a wicked ball over from deep on the right, but Tevez dithers a little at the back stick and can't reach it. Conte goes postal on the touchline.

Conte, in non-postal mode. Photograph: Peter Cziborra/Action Images

Updated at 8.43pm BST

8.21pm BST

15 mins: Update from the other semi-final: Valencia have taken the lead through Sofiane Feghouli, making it 2-1 on aggregate to Sevilla.

8.19pm BST

13 mins: Chiellini is almost caught with his pants down and his bottom red raw, as he dithers over a backpass, and Markovic buzzes around him looking for an error. He escapes, and then a few moments later exacts revenge for the Benfica man nearly embarrassing him by going right through the back of his opponent. Then claims he never touched him guv. Or whatever that is in Italian.

8.17pm BST

12 mins: Maxi Pereira launches a long throw from the right into the box, but Buffon charges off his line and punches the thing clear.

8 mins: Pirlo goes close for Juve. Asamoah dinks a cross over, Llorente controls it on that five-feet wide chest of his and cushions it back to Pirlo on the edge of the area, who ambles up and spanks a shot just above Oblak in the Benfica nets, and he tips it over.

8.13pm BST

7 mins: Brilliant defending from Maxi Pereira, stretching out a leg to rob Paul Pogba of the ball as the midfielder tries to fashion a chance in the area. Goal-saving stuff, that.

8.12pm BST

6 mins: Nothing much has happened before, although Benfica look marginally more lively. One sidenote to keep an eye on is the touchline, because if Jorge Jesus can get into a scrap with Tim Sherwood, he sure as hell can with Antonio Conte.

8.10pm BST

4 mins: Rodrigo attempts a powerful run through the middle and leaves his marker for dead, but a heavy touch takes the ball through to Gigi Buffon.

8.08pm BST

3 mins: For the tactically-minded among you, Juve are playing in their usual 3-5-2, while Benfica appear to be setting up in a 4-2-3-1 with Lima up top.

8.07pm BST

1 min: And we're off, with Benfica on the attack early. Rodrigo smacks a volley into Lichtsteiner's arm from about five yards away in the box, but no penalty is claimed or indeed given.

8.06pm BST

Oh, Diego Maradona is in attendance. Here's a frankly absurd clip of his best bits.

8.04pm BST

The teams are on their way out, preceded by Pavel Nedved, whipping the home crowd into a frenzy, which while it's lovely to see the old boy and his hair, isn't really required.

8.01pm BST

"Cool footballer to rival Pirlo?" writes Charles Antaki. "Easy. Step forward Socrates, vintage early 1980s; named after a philosopher; ran without seeming to break sweat; part of one of the most devastating teams of the century; tall, leggy, handsome, a doctor (who smoked), a social activist… also, and this is the clincher, he had a beard equal, if not thoroughly superior, to Pirlo’s."

7.59pm BST

Simple nomination for the coolest footballer ever, from Tracy Caton: "Cantona. No contest."

Tough to argue. Also affords me the opportunity to post the extended jazz version of perhaps the best advert ever made that doesn't involve a bunch of Brazilian footballers dicking around in an airport.

7.49pm BST

Gordon Strachan is discussing tactics and whatnot on the telly. "You can learn wingers to be defenders," quoth he. You're in good hands, Scotland.

7.40pm BST

Tonight we will have the pleasure of watching Andrea Pirlo. Look at him. I mean...just look at him. Is there a cooler footballer? Has there been a cooler footballer ever? Nominations to Nick.Miller@theguardian.com.

Benfica

Good evening. Absolutely delighted you could join us for this one. If you were a lazy minute-by-minuteer, what cliche would you use to describe this Europa League semi-final second leg between Juventus and Benfica, which does of course currently stand at 2-1 to the Portuguese side?

On a knife-edge*? Finely poised? Fascinatingly set? Could go either way? Whatever you choose, it's that, with just a single goal separating the two teams, as they look to face either Sevilla or Valencia in the final.

And where is that final? Why, it's in Turin! But wait - that's where Juventus are from! And that's where they play football! Well what a coincidence that is. If you're playing a final in your home stadium, that's got to be a huge advantage, right? Just ask Bayern Mu...oh. Oh yes that's right. Still, it would be smashing for Antonio Conte's boys to win this competition that they shouldn't really be in without actually having to drive very far. They could stay at home and everything. Think of the money they'll save on hotels, plane fares and travel games (Scrabble, Connect 4, Ludo) for their players. If you care about being frugal with money at all, you'll be right behind the Old Lady tonight. As it were.

And they are favourites too, requiring just a 1-0 win to progress, and they arguably have had some better preparation too. Juve sauntered to a 3-1 win over Sassuolo in their last game, while Benfica had a gruelling extra-time and penalties farrago in the Portuguese Cup against Porto to cope with. They won in the end, but the old legs are going to be a bit heavy, one would think.

One thing's for sure, you don't get calls to arms in England like you do in Italy. Juve coach and owner of a remarkable weave Conte said this week:

I want on Thursday for our supporters to create a fiery cauldron in the stadium, just as Benfica's fans did in Lisbon last week. We are going to play with 12 men on Thursday, I am convinced of it. Benfica had better beware because the fans are going to enter the fray.

Gosh. Could be a spicy one. Speaking of spicy, I've just eaten some sweet chili chicken that had quite the unexpected kick to it. Perhaps I should've known that something with the word 'chili' in it was going to be a little hot, but it fair took me by surprise.

Stick with us for more on this, plus probably a few updates from the football as well.

* Oddly, a synonym for 'on a knife edge' in a popular online dictionary was listed as 'it sucks balls'. Curious.