What Now?

It’s funny. Even when I believe have found a lasting peace in walking away from treatments?

Any reminder of how much time and energy and suffering we spent on treatments brings on a flare of grief and anger with a depth that scares me.

We couldn’t have known how things would turn out, though. I mean, I was able to carry a baby to term. Why wouldn’t we think we could do it again?

Whenever I get mad at how much time we wasted on treatments, I keep reminding myself: We couldn’t have known.

We didn’t know. We thought that all the struggle would be worth it when we brought home our baby.

But the fact is, we did not bring home a baby. We are done.

So what now?

I don’t want to use this space to mourn my lost chances anymore. I need to change the way I think and feel about our infertility.

I used to refer to it as making lemonade. Back when we were trying for Lucky, I had hoped that it would being good karma to our cycles; that if I looked at things in a positive light, it might help it work.

But now?

The fallout from my last miscarriage scared the shit out of me; it took me months to claw out of that dark hole of hopelessness.

Changing the way I view our infertility and the End of Treatments is more than just a way to make lemonade or create good karma now.

It is essential – so we can move on. And heal.

So. What now?

I have always been the kind of person who looks ahead and changes up my life when I feel like I am unhappy. Hate my career? No problem – go back to school for a new one. Can’t have a baby? No problem – go to a new clinic and try a new protocol.

I need to learn how to change my feelings without changing my life.

I am considering learning mediation. I have the idea that creating space in my life for stillness might be a good thing for me.

I am also still working with my therapist. After three years of working together, I trust her to help me get down into the heart of the real issues: 38 years of mental and emotional habits are hard to break.

I know that healing is not linear. I also know that I need to take this a day at a time.

I’m just catching up after being on vacation- I’m so glad to see you back in this space, though very sad to hear about your final BFNs. What now? is a question I have been grappling with for over a year now. Our lives get so wrapped up in the cycle of hope and despair that is infertility that it is hard to know how to live after calling it quits. I still haven’t figured it all out (not even close), and I’m starting to believe that the real healing will only begin after Hubby’s vasectomy. You are absolutely right about a couple of things- this is not a linear journey, and it is filled with setbacks and doubts. You will never be who you were before- having to give up on such an important dream will change you in ways you can’t predict. But you’re right- you will be ok. You’re a mama- you have to be! Sending lots of love!