✤ Until this week I had forgotten that Silvio Berlusconi was a real person, and not some preposterous figure dreamed up by Jackie Collins to manhandle Lucky Santangelo. So imagine my surprise yesterday when I read that the Italian prime minister, mired in the scandal of teenage prostitutes, drugs and sex parties, now hopes to bring in his daughter Marina as his successor.

Marina is the oldest of Berlusconi's five children and currently heads her father's Fininvest holding company and his publishing empire Mondadori. For what it's worth (and I fear the answer is "very little") she is also ranked by Forbes as the 48th most powerful women in the world. We do wonder if Ms Berlusconi actually knows what leading a political party means, or if she plans on simply picking up where her father left off, cavorting with teenage nightclub dancers and hiring young escorts to attend extravagant parties.

✤ I note with something approaching interest that Miley Cyrus has been voted the worst celebrity role model for young girls, by the young girls themselves. The reason had something to do with her wearing a see-through blouse and canoodling with boys. The harlot. But it pales into insignificance next to the antics of Charlie Sheen, who last week spent thousands of pounds on cocaine and porn stars and is surprised to find them selling their stories. "Charlie is seeking the medical assistance that he needs," said his spokesman. "It is a shame that . . . opportunistic women are trying to take advantage of his celebrity status." Yeah dude, that's a real shame. Those damned women! Meanwhile, Sheen continues to rake in around £1.25m an episode for sitcom Two and a Half Men. I don't know who's a worse role model – Sheen, or the TV channel that continues to employ him.

✤ Last, can we reclaim the word smash? I look back fondly on the days when it meant nothing more controversial than a brand of instant mashed potato, and had not been besmirched by the grubby paws of Richard Keys. Let us also pray that Premier Foods does not seek to employ Keys and Gray to endorse its product. It's unappetising enough.