Sometimes I wonder if the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
- Mark Twain

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Don't let the turkeys get you down

I haven't posted a good rant in awhile, but in the spirit of the holiday, I'm going to tell you, albeit in the bitchiest way possible, why I am thankful for being an adult, especially around the holidays. (Oh, and for the record, although I am a vegan, there's no fucking Tofurky here. No fucking way.)

I am thankful that I am an adult because:

1. I don't have to spend the holidays with people I don't like. Why the hell should I? I'm a grownup and it's my damn day off. Tomorrow we are seeing the kiddo and one of my friends who has the paradox of having shitty relatives within driving distance, but great relatives out of state.

2. No one can tell me when it's time to eat. Did you remember this shit from when you were a kid? You had to wait FOREVER, until Uncle Joe or Auntie Margaret put the finishing touches on God knows what, or Cousin Phil took forever to show up and we all had to fucking starve because he was always late, but somehow, we still had to be polite. Then, they'd make you wait for dessert until all of the adults wanted it. Fuck that shit.

3. When I cook, I will cook exactly the way I fucking want to. This means mashed potatoes peeled before they are boiled. I can't tell you home many times I heard from people (not my dad, of course, he's awesome and I don't know that he ventured into the potato area), "You have to leave the skins on! That's where the vitamins are!" I don't have to do anything. That's also where the dirt is.

That also means no one can harass me about why I don't eat cooked birds, and I don't have to think the responses I'd like to say out loud. Mind you, I'm not telling anyone else not to. So why harass me?

"Why are you a vegan again?" Because you're not."Don't you like the taste of meat?" Yes, I love it, I'm just into self-punishment. I dream about McNuggets.
"How do you get any protein?" I grow soybeans illegally on my front porch.

4. I don't have to go back to school next week, thus, I have no homework. What was up with that? Then you'd go back to school and your teachers would say, "Oh, we are so behind!" We? Who is this "we"? My little brother and sister have three hours of homework each night. I'd rather have three hours of work work each night.

5. I am now at the age where saying, "Because I said so!" actually works. Really. I got a phone call from the staff on duty at the kiddo's group home tonight because he refused to give up his phone and go to bed. I got on the phone and he started to whinge and give me all kinds of bullshit reasons why they shouldn't take his phone away. I told him, among other things, that I didn't want to hear it and the main reason he had to give up his phone was "Because I said so, that's why!" Jesus. Add a couple of personality disorders and some bleach and I could be turning into my biological mother.

Happy Thanksgiving - and I am happy that the tofudelopes are safe. I am vegetarian rather than vegan but DONT eat and won't eat all the imitation meats. Can't believe its not bacon? Yes I can - and why bother.

RC: I with my extended family felt that way. When I see immediate family (the only ones I want to see these days), we're much more reasonable.Debra: Thank you! GB: I am totally stealing that idea. And no gravy, but an entree that I think you actually would have liked.Charles: It worked like a charm. We'll see if it does a second time.Abby: Cheers! EC: HAHA! That should be the tagline on the stuff "Yes I can - and why bother."Naomi: Thank you! I can't eat exactly whatever I want, but being an adult has its perks for sure.Cheryl: Thank you ;) Yes, I get questions like that all the time. I want to say, "Well, why do you eat friend dead things?" but haven't gone there yet.

This is what I needed. A Thanksgiving rant. Amen to that cooking thing especially. Nothing like getting backseat driver advice on how to cook my own specialty dishes from people who can't even boil water.

Here's wishing you a voyeur's Thanksgiving meal. Go from house to house sucking on a broccoli frozen Popsicle peering in windows watching families eat themselves into oblivion before falling into a tryptophan coma and tiptoe away from the windows laughing all the way with your own herd of turkey elves throwing rose petals in your path.

You are a gem, my friend. I love that you're a vegan. That's all my daughter's been talking about so we're trying to take baby steps...eating vegetarian for the month of December. I could use your help on some TASTY dishes. Everything in the book she bought sounds bland. Seriously, let's talk about kale. :)

Ily: Totally, chica! Email me what kind of stuff you like to eat. It's really easy to do Italian, Thai, Indian, etc.IA: Yep :)DW: I won't worry, I hear you eating McNuggets as we speak.LG: I had a rice bowl with tofu and grilled veggies and black beans. :)