This review is for the Canadian members of my Badmovies.org family: Newt, AndyC and JaseSF – you are indeed the best peeps to come out of Canada. *MAJOR HUGS*THE CHARACTERS

ZAP ROWSDOWER: BRUCE J. MITCHELLOur hockey haired, shotgun wielding hero (although we only find that ‘hero’ plot point out at the end of the film) who comes to save us all in a broken truck. A former cultist who is bothered by the tattoo on his arm, the nightmares caused by some idiot drawing crap in the snow, the lack of beer on the sun and the fact that he may have killed Troy’s father and was too wasted to notice. Can’t shoot a shotgun for sh*t and even misses that particular item at point blank range.

TROY MACGREGGOR: CHRISTIAN MALCOLMScrawny, irritating fatherless teen who sports a mighty chest of well developed ribs and bones under his tight red sweaters and strains himself picking up telephones. Desperate to find out why his father was killed, desperate to find out why hooded cultists are trying to kill HIM and then he meets up with a stinky drifter who guzzles beer like it is going out of style, has magical self cleaning jeans, terrible nightmares and starts his truck with an alcohol libation.

SATORIS: SHANE MARCEAUEvil cult leader: Shot in the ass and gets all burnt up over it.

AUNT BETTY: BHARBARA EGANTroy’s aunt and guardian who tries to keep her ward away from all the bulls**t that killed her brother and illegally uses a silent consonant in her first name. Has an inexplicable British accent. Trips on her own tongue as a result of that and falls down the stairs after bringing Troy dinner.

THOMAS MACGREGGOR: RANDY VASSEURTroy’s Larry Czonka lookalike father with a male pimp’s name who is hunted for sport through the woods by Satoris’ coven of masked idiots and who later goes *BANG*.

ACTUAL MOVIE QUOTES:

Satoris: “So, you’ve not forgotten me, Rowsdower. We meet again, for the final time, I’m afraid.”Troy: “Hi Dad. Been a long time. I miss you. I've been wondering what happened to you.”Satoris: “My men will not disturb us. They’re closing off all avenues of escape. Ah, you fear me? Perhaps you remember your last defeat?”Moike Pipperr: “I don’t trust that man. I remember him. He was with Satoris the night your father was killed.”Troy: “He’ll be here! To stop you!”Satoris: “Where’s the boy? [major loogie on jacket] The boyyy, Rowsdower!”Moike Pipperr: “Moi nayme’s Pipperrr. Moike Pipperrr. Your dad and me were partners in archaeology. Many digs we did together. Good man he was, your Dad. Always laughing. And then, he went *BANG*.” Zap: “What’s your name, laddie?”Satoris: “And as for your friend Rowsdower, I hope he’s not late, else we will have to start without him.”Satoris: “Seven years ago, you fought me trying to save Thomas MacGreggor and now you fight to save his son?”Zap: "You killed him and left me in torment for the rest of my life!"Zap: “It started with the nightmares. And the drums. They were calling me.”Zap: “What the hell? What are you doing in the back there, kid?”Satoris: “Troy! I know you can hear me, Troy. I know you have the map. I want it.”Satoris: “Death will be too merciful for you, Zap Rowsdower!”Troy: “Rowsdower, I can explain. Those men were trying to kill me.”Satoris: “Why don’t you ask your friend when he arrives?”Moike Pipperr: “Wuzzat dat dere mark doin' on your shoulder dere?”Zap: “I’m Rowsdower. Zap Rowsdower.”Troy: “My father IS my business!”Moike Pipperr: “MacGreggor? Troy MacGreggor? Thomas’ son?”Troy: “Yeah. Did you know him?”Satoris: “I like you, Troy. It’s a pity you have to die so soon. You’re so much like your father. Bright, stubborn and IN MY WAY.” Moike Pipperr: “Did the cursed cult leader send you to spy on me?”Satoris: “You are MINE!” Troy: “So what happened to him?”Satoris: “You will be the last sacrifice. The last one between me and the power of the *URK*” Moike Pipperr: “What thuh ‘ell arrrr yew doin’ ere? Ah’ll splattuh yuh brainz ahl ova this place!”

STUFF TO WATCH OUT FOR:

Please note: The times are from the start of the episode and include all the cutaway shots.

6:08: Why is this man smiling like that? He’s smiling and the other poor bugger’s shivering.6:24: He still is smiling….6:33: He still is smiling…..8:18: Change in emotion: he's now laughing.10:10: How did he go from a graveyard to an attic’s stairs?13:00: Ahh, at last, Grandma’s head. Yikes! 20:35: I think Troy has ESP [Excessively Sickening Pizza]21:36: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A CULTIST’S HEAD!21:56: Oh great: Leatherface’s come to visit too.22:51: AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!! Nostrils!! Nostrils!! AAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!22:55: That looks like the “dramatic up-angle shot” in Midnight where the camera was just thrown on the floor. 27:25: Judging by the bike outrunning that car, Clint Eastwood should have made a film entitled Ten Speed Bike instead of Gran Torino.27:31: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A DUST BIN!28:24: I hope my undies aren’t hanging on the back there or he will be off that pickup very quickly.33:35: Cultist: “Awww….. bang-bang all gone.”40:25: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A ROWSDOWER!50:43: The ancient civilization's toilet is overflowing, I hear.1:08:52: Cue stolen nature stock shot.1:11:44: To quote the peanut gallery: That’s not a nose, that’s a duplex!1:16:39: Why did the film all of a sudden go to sepia there?1:17:34: This is the very, very lowwww budget version of The Guns Of Navarone's hill climb.1:20:05: That prose couldn’t be purpler if Prince had written it.1:20:50: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A VILLAIN’S BACKSIDE!1:22:27: “I’m glad we got rid of these hoods. At last we can see where we’re going *DONK*”1:24:19: Uhmm….. Rowsdower……something else is rising other than the lost city….

LESSONS LEARNED

World dominating humans will burst into flames if you shoot them in the bum.Instant cleaning acid washed jeans do exist.Ancient cults had overflowing urinals too.Grin a lot: it makes people wonder what you’ve been up to.There are grappling hook and rifle caches in the Canadian woods.There really is a need for a third G in the name Macgregor.The liquor stores close at 8 in Alberta.Bullets can also get cold.Looking backwards can make a film go to sepia tone. Trucks will start with a generous libation of garbage, alcohol and flames.Garbage in the back of a garbage pick up can steer a car off the road.A ten speed bike can outrun a Ford Gran Torino.Wielding a shotgun and sounding like Dr Teeth from The Muppets will gain you no respect at all.It is seriously too hot for there to be any cold beer on the sun.Face masks should have mouth holes as standard issue.Do not ever invest in lemon mines.Drawing terrible pictures in the snow will give someone nightmares.

THE PLOT

Alberta Woods – not Alberta Watson, the actress from Hackers and The Soldier – snow over everything – eerie woods (not Donald Woods from Cry Freedom) – one poor guy being chased through the eerie woods by several shivering, machete wielding, hooded people who keep clonking their heads on the branches in their haste to hunt down the poor wretch they’re chasing – two other idiots stand and grin at each other – the one keeps on grinning – the other keeps attempting to load a rifle – the other keeps grinning – the chaser draws nearer – guy stops grinning and starts smiling - a shot rings out – eeeeeee, boyyyyy.....somebody about dead tonight.

Cue someone walking through a graveyard and visiting his father’s gravestone, which provides easy access to his house’s attic. He spends what seems like an eternity there, showing off his well developed ribs and bones in an oh so tight red sweater and searching for what could very well either be a lost treasure map or his grandma’s head.

In this box, the young lad of Troy (geddit? His name’s Troy and he….. oh, never mind) finds a crudely drawn map and other information on all the sh*t that went down with dear old Dad. He falls asleep upstairs, only to wake up in the kitchen by some idiot banging on a saucepan and another guy in a hood attempting to enter the window to read the meter.

Troy’s first reaction is to grab a handy baseball bat and bliksem* the intruder on the head with it. His second reaction is to violently crap himself when another “meter reader” opens the door with a chainsaw. Third reaction: Troy grabs the map and speeds off on his bike, leaving Garth Vader and his cronies to ransack the house and have their way with Aunt Betty after they get all the cobwebs out of the way first.

Quote

* Bliksem: South African word meaning 'lightning strike'. It can also mean to hit, as in very hard so that the hittee will remember it. Or not.

Troy manages to out-run the hooded hoods, even after they charge after him in a Ford Gran Torino and escapes after hitching an illegal lift on the back of a pick-up belonging to one Zap Rowsdower, a drifter tormented by his dribbling tattoo who first of all hates the fact that his pristine mobile laundry has been invaded by the scrawny, sweater adorned youth and then likes the kid a bit more when he assists in fixing his truck. The Zap then shows us that, beer-guzzling drifter or not, he is a real hero by running the weapon toting cultists’ pursuit car off the road, courtesy of a crateful of crap off the back of his truck.

Cue discussion around a campfire and a major plot point: the hooded maniacs are cultists who don't fear the reaper and who belong to the obscure Blue Oyster Cult of Ziox. Under the leadership of their growly voiced leader Satoris, are in search of the lost city of Ziox and are also in search of a way to hand one Rowsdower’s ass (and the rest of his body) to him, due to his defection from the cult.

The [very] odd couple Troy and Zap bicker their way through the film and are captured time and time again by the cult, even after they find a hole in the ground where someone has taken the time to craft some ugly ass masks on the wall. This finding leads to the cultists clonking Zap on the shoulder, knocking him out and reuniting him with the growly voiced one, removing him from the place where it sounds as though the alien culture's urinal is overflowing.

Rap Zowsdower manages to escape once again, leading to a lame ass confrontation with the cultists again and an even more frightening one with the scabies, filth-ridden horror that is Moike Pipperr, who, in between threatening them with extreme prejudice, stuffing his pipe, offering them anutha helpin’ of filth and scratching his lice ridden beard, offers them some insights into the cult, including the fact that Rowsdower may possibly have offed Troy’s dad, all of which makes Troy very happy indeed.

Troy stalks off in a huff, only to get captured by the cult and tied to a post by a few strands of spaghetti when a chastened Rowsdower turns up and engages in a one on one battle with Satoris, using a grappling hook which just happened to be lying there. Satoris is about to claim the mullet-ed one for himself when Troy shoots him in the ass with a rifle which just happened to be there, causing the unlucky cult leader to get all burnt up over it and the idol to go TIMMBERRRRR and fall over.

As night falls, the cult breaks up (Yo, dude, we can see where we’re going now DONK) and the lost city of Ziox rises from stock footage, trailing weeds and vanishes, like Zap’s drunken tattoo. Zap and Troy hug, causing something other than the lost city to rise.

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Ever since I joined the Badmovies.org family, I have read certain things, terrible things about the Canadian horror film known as The Final Sacrifice, a film allegedly so terrible that it makes some of the garbage made here in South Africa during the so-called ‘subsidy period’ from the middle 1980s to 1991 seem like Oscar winners by comparison.

These films include such gems as Nukie, Space Mutiny, City Wolf, Laser Mission, Alien From LA, all the Cannon Pictures produced garbage you care to remember (or want to forget at all costs) and the truly jaw droppingly bad Umfana We Karate: the latter being the SA version of The Karate Kid where a bullied boy is taught karate, not by Mr Miyagi but by playing and learning karate moves from the video game at the corner shop.

Before I continue, here’s my South African version of The Canada Song:“Oh I wish I was back in old South AfricaA land which I shall never run downHow I pine for the wood of the forests of KnysnaAnd the creepy house with the homicidal clown.

I wish I was back in great old GautengA place where the good peeps are everythingWhere the animals roam free as well as the antsAnd there’s always someone to wash your underpants.”

Tony Award for Best Lyrics? Yes? Yes? NO?Bummer.

And some prized peanut gallery quotes from our buddies Mike, Crow and Tom:

Mike Nelson: “Hey, hey, hey: I know what you’re thinking and no looting this time, you understand?”Crow: "Anutha helpin' of filth for ya?" Mike Nelson: "So, you going to hit the brakes there or not?"Crow: [Rowsdower strangles a cultist] "What the....ay, I had a bead on a goose, ay.....ayyyy, ayyyyy...." Mike Nelson: [Rowsdower guns down two cultists]"*BANG* Gilles, no! *BANG* Not Etienne!" Tom: "This music's more suited to plate spinning, like a mazurka."Mike Nelson: "Ohh, I don't go map finding behinding."Tom: "Cheerleaders, classmates, teachers I don't like....."Mike Nelson: "OK, who's up for a moose lip omelet?"Crow: "If it goes out again, I'm grabbing my blender."Mike Nelson: "How about a game of Balderdash?"Crow: [Moike Pipperr puffs his pipe] "*COUGH* Good dope."Tom: "Hey, it turns out to be Mount Pinatubo, they all fall in, the end, bye."Mike Nelson: "Hey, what is this? Oh, a pile of crap, that's right."Bobo: "It's time for my hourly Ben and Jerry's."Mike Nelson: "Awww... it's the came-with-the-frame family."Crow: "OOOO, I needs an eraser!"Tom: "Hey man, thank your sister for sewing our hoods."Crow: “Sir? You have a hole in your shoe…oops…”Mike Nelson: "I'm about to puke, kid. You might wanna clear out." Tom: "Honk-honk! On your ass!"Crow: "OOOO, I hates those questions."Mike Nelson: "Damn you, Pee Wee!"Crow: "Gerard, go zat way. Robert, follow me."Tom: "Maybe it's the cheap Canadian gas they're using. Just can't get up any speed."Mike Nelson: [Zap tosses a crate off his truck] "Could you take those to recycling for me? Thanks." Crow: "Uh-oh, the town's alternator's shot."Tom: [Moike Pipperr appears minus a shirt] "I gotta go work out."Crow: "Well, I better get back to my grave, sun's been up an hour, I'm starting to disintegrate." Tom: "He's checking his biore strip."Mike Nelson: "What would Coach Don Schula do?"Crow: [Cultists give up chasing Troy] "Well, let's go get some bullwhips and pose for Mapplethorpe."Tom: "Oh, come on, one more sacrifice before we go?"Mike Nelson: "OK, but this is THE FINAL SACRIFICE."Tom: "Goody, goody...."Crow: [Satoris gets shot in the backside] "Oww! You shot my butt! What the hell, you shot me in the butt!"Mike Nelson:" Hmm... he's laying on a bear."Crow: "Yeah, well my name's Bill Stinkwater."Mike Nelson: [Satoris enters the house] "Canadian villain: Garth Vader."Crow: [Satoris is grinning] "I'm just remembering a scene from Biodome."Mike Nelson: “Great score, it’s skipping.”Tom: "I'm exhausted. I gotta take a nap when I'm done sleeping."Mike Nelson: "The time is.... 6.4?"Crow: "Nobody leaves the WWF!"Mike Nelson: "Firewood for sale!"Tom: "I know Mom and Dad will just LOVE you."Crow: "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grandpa and all my evil henchmen."Mike Nelson: "In my work for a bloodthirsty cult, I depend on my Gran Torino."Crow: “He changed his name from I-believe-in-something-but-I-don’t-go-to-church-Malcolm.”Mike Nelson: [Rowsdower spits on Satoris' jacket] “Could you squat down lower? I was trying to get your face.” Tom: [non French accent] “Ah, mierd! Mon pied!”Crow: “So Mike, most humans, when you shoot them in the butt, they burst into flames?”Mike Nelson: "He's invoking the power of Bryan Adams!"Crow: "I'm just a bush, you may wanna pan off me."Mike Nelson [Satoris has just finished drawing crap in the dirt] "Well, I got that done..."Tom: "Water me..... *COUGH*"Crow: "Hey, no fair, you guys, I lost my moon boots."Mike Nelson: "He's the kind of clown that puts $1.87 of gas in his truck."Crow: "Do you know how fast you were going, Rowsdower?"Tom: “Hey, I think your cameraman’s stuck in the door…”Mike Nelson: “OK, what did you loot now?”Tom: [sniffs] "Hmmm... shouldn't have filed that sandwich."Mike Nelson: "Can you imagine how many Potato Olay containers are on the floor of that car?"Crow: "Oh man, those twelve ounce curls really take it out on me."Tom: "I think we're just watching someone fritter away their afternoon here."Crow: “Ooh, gotta get this dead woodchuck out from under the seat…. Urghh, ptoeey…”Mike Nelson: “Ah, crusty pants, a filthy wall, good morning.”Crow: “I wonder if there’s beer on the sun.”Tom: “Hey, Ron Anderson here. Just gotta nip down and make that movie real good then.”Brain Guy: “Mike: your movie today is, if one can measure such things, THE WORST THING TO EVER COME OUT OF CANADA. It’s called The Final Sacrifice.”Tom: "So long, Toots. Take me up, Curly."Mike Nelson: “Hey: get this caterpillar off my lip.”Tom: “I switched to beating up annoying kids with beer bottles.”Mike Nelson: "They ruled this one acre for about a week. Nobody knew."Tom: “Why did they put a laser disk in the refrigerator?"Mike Nelson: [Thunder rumbles] "Somewhere Lee Trevino scurries for cover."Tom: "Is this a documentary about maple syrup?"Crow: "Stay with me Troy and I'll guide you in the ways of alcohol, cigarettes and meat."Tom: “Bigfoot for Wrangler Relaxed Fit!”Crow: “You’re harshing my buzz.”Tom: “Well, I threw a mannequin through your window, Mike.”Mike Nelson: “This scene was lit by an itty-bitty book light.”Tom: "Come back here, Sheriff Rustler!"Mike Nelson: [Rowsdower's entire face is covered] "They forgot a mouth hole."Tom: “Ah me, I don’t give a flying Dutchman about this production.”Crow: [Shane Marceau's credit appears] “Go away, Shane, go away.”Tom: [Rowsdower pours beer on his bicep] "Have a drink on me, tattoo." Tom: "Ah, finally, Grandma's head." Mike, Tom, and Crow: “Rowsdower saves us and saves all the world! OOOOOO”Crow: “So, Rowsdower… is that a stupid name or…”Tom: “Rowsdower? Could you put out my head?”Mike Nelson: “Someone’s hitting a fry pan which means its 8 am.”Crow: “He comes from a long line of great anuses.”Mike Nelson: “Don’t worry about me, boss: the hair on my back is keeping me warm.”Tom: [Bad guy is grinning] “Hi, Cindy!”Mike Nelson: “I hope his wooden shoes ice up and he crashes.”Tom: “He was a good hamster.”Crow: “KNOW him? He was delicious!”Mike Nelson: “Man! You kill one guy’s father……”Crow: “Hurray! The movie’s closed today because of snow!”Mike Nelson: “Yeah. Tell it to my acid-washed jeans.”Crow: “Beethoven’s 5th just can’t seem to get started here.”Crow: “I’m losing track of the crappy vehicles here.”Mike Nelson: “Oh: he exploded before they could shoot him.”Crow: “I think the movie’s going real well.”Mike Nelson: “Hmm... the lice have left my beard…” Moike Pipperr: “Oi jerked ‘im.”Mike Nelson: “Could I drink him? Nahh.”Tom: “Hi! I’m Billy the Building!”Mike Nelson: “Here’s the plan. My army of trained rats will lead the charge and my scabies will protect our flank.”Mike Nelson: “Oh, this is where they get all the stuff to put in TGIFridays.”

However, for the purposes of this review, I must turn in my prized BM.org member’s badge (temporarily only) and become one of this film’s few defenders. One has to remember that this was first and foremost a student film (costing all of $1500: hello, Michael Cimino?) which had the fortune of being released to video: a fate which befalls few films of that nature and when you have seen as many student films as I have, you are thankful indeed. We must also ponder if we were fortunate to have been exposed to it at all, but that is another story entirely.

After viewing various clips on YouTube, I finally took the plunge and ordered the DVD box set. Incredible first viewing, I must say. The riffing by Mike Nelson and his two sarcastic buddies is funny but after a second, third and fourth viewing (yes, I have seen it thus many times) you learn to tune out the peanut gallery comments and see the film for what it truly is. A huge pile of amateur doo-doo? No, not quite. Far from it, in fact.

It is very entertaining in its’ own way and could quite easily stand on its’ own two feet, that is (a) if films have feet and (b) our hero Zap Rowsdower could stand at all after chugging back all those beers.

The acting is not bad at all ~ both Bruce Mitchell and Christian Malcolm acquit themselves well, due to the fact that the jury was out on this one – and the remaining members of the cast (who were not paid, by the way) are also quite good, especially Satoris, played by Shane Marceau (he of the Cinemascope nostrils and growly voice) and the horror that is Moike Pipperr (Ron Anderson), gamely acting through a forest of hair, trained rats and scabies.

Again I say: I liked it and it is weird that director Tjardus Greidanus doesn’t make mention of it on his website (www.tjardus.com) Come on already, it’s not great but it’s not that bad either. Could it be that Mr Greidanus is embarrassed by the film? He has no need to be.

The music prepares you for something to happen and then…………nothing happens but the composer, one Robert Skeet, doesn’t appear to notice and keeps on banging the kettle drums and metal dustbin lids. The one plus point is the cinematography which is fluid to the point that you wonder if the film school got their cameras back after the production wrapped.

Finally: I liked it. There, I’ve said it: Thanks, Tjardus Greidanus!

And thank you AndyC for the funny .gif above: it made me when I needed to.

« Last Edit: January 23, 2018, 07:32:48 AM by Trevor »

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As time goes by, you will seeThat we're going to be free, you and meWe'll touch the skyCan you see in your mind's eye that we are oneWe're all the same and life is just a simple game.