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I was proposed to last week. Via text message. I’ll give you three guesses as to who sent it.

3…

2…

1…

Last Monday The Ex sent me a blurry picture of an engagement ring and this message, “This is here for you, and so am I. I need you in my life, and I need your forgiveness for the way I treated you, of which I am incredibly ashamed. I want to be a loving husband and father and I want to do that with you. Everybody misses you and still loves you, you were like a daughter to my parents and a sister to my brother. I would give anything for a chance to redeem myself and show you that I can be the guy that you first fell in love with.”

Ugh.

Luckily, I already had plans to have a bonfire with a friend of mine. We burned papers, bills, and old photographs while drinking wine. It was perfect. Oh, and I also sent Gary a sext. He came over the next day on his lunch break, and while I didn’t feed him food, he informed me that he had a very nice meal at my house.

Even though I didn’t want to, I called The Ex the next day. I felt like I needed to respond to his text proposal somehow, and a phone call seemed like the best way to tell him that he needs to move on with his life. Plus, I was enjoying the effects of post booty call bravery. The phone call didn’t go well.

We talked/yelled at each other for about forty-five minutes before I finally hung up on him. He proceeded to send me text message after text message, which I have thoughtfully typed out for you here:

“That did not make anything better for me, in fact it knocked me back two steps for the one of progress I made, thanks a lot”

And a few minutes later…

“Yeah, you have a great life too, knowing that you broke my heart”

A few minutes more…

“I can’t move on without a chance to redeem myself”

A few more minutes passed…

“This is my last text to you, I am sorry for everything I ever did to you, I wish things could’ve been different, I will always love you with all my heart, you are such an amazing person, and thank you for still believing in me. I love you, good bye.”

Twenty minutes later…

“Sorry, but I just remembered, can you please defriend the band on Facebook, thats one of the reasons I texted you that yesterday because i saw how beautiful you are and that’s not making it easy for me to move on, seeing what I lost. I don’t have time to do it now, so can you please do that for me.”

I still didn’t respond. He sent another text two hours later.

“I don’t care about the false home the recruiter gave you about me getting in [to the military], but it wasn’t my fault that I didn’t get in, that really hurt. Also, I don’t want Sebastian.”