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Monday, June 20, 2011

Side note. Have you heard the, don't pray for patience or something bad (but patience-building) will happen. That irks me (the word "irks" doesn't. I like the word). Patience is something God wants us to have, and does he really permit extra bad stuff to happen just because we pray for patience? I don't think so. I wish that meant no bad stuff ever, prayer or not, but it doesn't.

I spent the weekend at home, trying to speedily get through this cold I have. It is a somewhat onesided cold; one side of my throat is very sore, and the other is not. Along with the cold came the dizzy/lightheaded/buzzing waves through my head. I didn't drive Saturday or Sunday. But I'm doing better today. Not completely rid of it, but not having the really bad waves that make my eyes feel like they move a bit with the wave.

Managing versus obliterating. (See, I'll get around to OCD or depression some time.) I don't know if I'm lowering my goal, which may lower my results. But if I think about managing my OCD and depression, then it's like an underlying health condition. Usually (hopefully) I'll be able to keep it under control, maybe to the point of symptom free. Maybe that will mean counseling for a while. Maybe that means medication for who knows how long. That's okay (but I wish I didn't need to go to counseling every week, but I think I still do). Maybe "managing" is my way of accepting. It permits me to feel discouraged some days. It permits relapses, though it tries to avoid them. It permits me to continue to get help (psychiatrist visits, counseling). It encourages me to get OCD under control.

But, supposedly if you don't completely squash OCD, it'll come back. I can't see myself totally rid of OCD. I mean, I'm much better currently with medication and/or therapy. But a life where thoughts didn't fill me with unreasonable anxiety and even stranger questions and reactions, that I cannot immagine.

My brain asks, "What would OCD free be? Which actions are okay and which are obsessions. What thoughts are normal and what thoughts are ruminating." This, I think, could easily become yet another expression of OCD. (Oh, and the "I think," is the compulsive escape clause lest I tell a lie.) (These escape clauses on an application may be detrimental to getting the job.)