Let’s Talk About Sex, Part 2

Ideally, in every new sexual relationship, there is a period of time when you and your partner can sit down and discuss your expectations and boundaries in a frank and honest manner. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case.

I can’t pretend that I have always been perfect about expressing my expectations, but I still find this to be an incredibly important conversation, and it should be a conversation that continues during the entire relationship as expectations and comfort levels evolve.

At the very beginning of a sexual relationship, using a barrier method of contraception should be a non-negotiable, no matter what other forms of contraception you may be using. As I discussed in my previous post, the barrier method will help prevent the transmission of STIs, which no other form of contraception can do. If you do not wish to use a barrier, then a slightly more difficult conversation should take place. You should both go and get tested for STIs, and show the results to your partner before any form of intercourse. It’s not a sexy conversation, and it isn’t an easy one, but it is incredibly important to protect your health. And it isn’t one that you can have if your pants are already down.

There are other things to negotiate too. Oral sex, anal sex, positions, and foreplay should be discussed, and your partner will appreciate how straightforward you are, even if they are disappointed in anything you decide is off the sexual menu.

Tell me about your experiences with sexual negotiation. Have you had any interesting or funny experiences?

I’ve had a few men say they don’t like using condoms to which my reply is “ok, we won’t do it then”. That usually makes them change their minds! The alternative, to get tests done, has never cropped up, but a really good idea.

in the beginning of my current relationship we used the barrier method for extra protection, as i’m on birth control, and sexual health. but as we continued in the relationship we found a better use is to help “prolong” our time together ;)

when he’s feeling like he can’t hold it any more he puts on a rubber and can go for at least 10 more minutes :)

I think it’s important to get tested, while also realizing that tests like HIV antibody tests only show if someone was infected with HIV three to six months ago (that is the amount of time it takes most people to develop antibodies). So the ideal situation is to test, then continue using condoms until you retest six months later to confirm the negative results, all the while continuing to be in a monogamous relationship.