I was cleaning out my inbox yesterday (which is an awesome euphemism for a trip to the OB-GYN, ladies) when I came across the above picture of a Baltimore Orioles fan wearing his customized Nick Markakis jersey. I meant to post this last month when it was originally Tweeted and posted at Buzzfeed, but I lead a crazy life of freebased cocaine and toddler fight clubs, so sometimes I get distracted. Regardless, the above jersey, sent to me by a New York Yankees friend of mine, incited a great debate between me and said friend – we’ll call him Doucheknuckle for the sake of fluidity.
Doucheknuckle thinks that customized jerseys are stupid and should only be worn by small children, and yet he also agrees with me that children should be kept in a large cage in stadium basements, but that’s another debate. Meanwhile, I believe that customized jerseys are fun if done with creativity and genuineness, or at least recognizing rivalries and insulting other players. After all, people will probably think I’m a tool if I get a jersey with Burns on the back, and I’d rather people think I’m a tool for my collection of mesh tank tops. However, it would be acceptable if I purchased a customized Wilmington Quicksteps jersey to honor my great-great-grand-uncle Thomas P. “Oyster” Burns.
Either way, I’ve gathered my proof that customized jerseys are fun if they’re done in jest and, more significantly, attack a rival team. Feel free to weigh in and take the side of a guy named Doucheknuckle.
This is unrelated to the argument at hand, but Vincenzo at FilmDrunk posted about these Portman-Kunis United soccer jerseys earlier this week and I wanted to share it as well because I want to own one. According to Beautiful Gear, the jerseys were created for a Division 11 indoor soccer team in Dallas, and they might just be the greatest rec league jerseys I’ve ever seen. Seriously, I would buy and religiously wear the black one.

The classic.
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A fun idea for Detroit Tigers fans. But there’s an expiration date on this one, and it probably already passed.

A good rallying jersey or vanity license plate.
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For the intelligent and classy low brow.
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In Texas, this will get you elected governor.
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I’m not convinced that’s not Matt Ufford.
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File this one under intentional double entendre.
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Not as creative, but bound to get a few dozen high fives and free Smirnoff Ices.
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Simple. Effective.
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Topical. Always relevant. I’d have expected it to be a Cubs fan, but it’s smart for a Cardinals fan because it says, “As a Cardinals fan, I’m generally regarded as intelligent and classy, and with this jersey I can also make light of my manager’s DUI.”
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Possibly the antithesis of my argument, because when I think sports, I think Jonas.
Just trying to make the Philly fans proud today.

Since there are probably 6 million of these jerseys in existence, they can only be cool if they’re being ripped from each girl in massive cat fights.
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I should own this jersey.
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Much better jersey ideas for the ladies. But since they’re Cardinals fans, again, they’re classy and intelligent hookers and hoes.
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Ballsy and very funny. One of those ideas that many people have but only one man will actually execute.

This doesn’t need any meaning. It’s just generally funny.
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Perfect execution. Even if the woman leaves, the point is still made.
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Photoshopped? Do I care?

This one is pushing it. Mainly because it was most definitely her idea.
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Probably funnier before George Steinbrenner died. But as a sports fan from South Florida, I’d say that most people in Miami probably think it’s even funnier now.
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HAHA, get it, bro? This may have killed my argument.
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A grown-ass man wearing a jersey is sorta ok, not something a grown man should do but whatever. However, a grown man with another grown man’s name on his back is as gay as a lavender picnic basket. You can like Jeter without having his name on your back. Having his jizz on your shirt would only be slightly less queer. Have some fucking self-respect, for God’s sake.

05.26.11 at 3:05 pm

Brandon

@Eddie – There’s got to be a less “shitty homophobe” way to say that.

05.26.11 at 3:41 pm

SMBaublitz

Mar-Kick-Ass was my fantasy team name 3 years ago. I hate when people steal my ideas…

05.27.11 at 1:01 am

Ragnarok

I saw a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey once that had “Losers Since” 67 on the back.
I smiled.

05.27.11 at 6:06 am

Locode

Sadly the Canadians fan shows his stupidity by having his jersey say “Leaf is sucks”

05.27.11 at 8:00 am

Fitty13

I was at Fenway a few years back and saw a guy wearing a Mets Jersey with the #86. He turned around and the name on the back said Buckner. Respect.

05.28.11 at 9:15 pm

Jeff

The Portman kunis jerseys are being sold on their website actually. Portmankunisunited.com