MONK GLOATS OVER YOGA CHAMPIONSHIP
originally published in The Onion, a satirical paper out of Madison
Wisconsin (March 6-19 issue)
"I am the serenest!" he says
LHASA, TIBET - Employing the brash style that first brought him to
prominence, SriDhananjai Bikram won the fifth annual International Yogi
Competition yesterday with a world-record point total of 873.6.
"I am the serenest!" Bikram shouted to the estimated crowd of 20,000
yoga fans, vigorously pumping his fists. "No one is serener than Sri
Dhananjai Bikram-I am the greatest monk of all time!"
Bikram averaged 1.89 breaths a minute during the two-hour competition,
nearly .3 fewer than his nearest competitor, second-place finisher and
two-time champion Sri Salil "The Hammer" Gupta.
The heavily favored Gupta was upset after the loss. "I should be able
to beat that guy with one lung tied," Gupta said. "I'm beside myself
right now, and I don't mean trans-bodily."
Bikram got off to a fast start at the Lhasa meet, which like most major
competitions, is a six-event affair. In the first event, he attained
total consciousness (TC) in just 2 minutes, 34 seconds, and set the
tone for the rest of the meet by repeatedly shouting, "I'm blissful!
You blissful?! I'm blissful!" to the other yogis.
Bikram, 33, burst onto the international yoga scene with a gold-mandala
performance at the 1994 Bhutan Invitational. At that competition he
premiered his aggressive style, at one point in the flexibility event
sticking his middle toes out at the other yogis. While no prohibition
exists against such behavior, according to Yoga League Commissioner
Swami Prabhupada, such behavior is generally considered "unBuddhalike."
"I don't care what the critics say," Bikram said. "Sri Bikram is just
gonna go out there and do Sri Bikram's own yoga thing."
Before the Bhutan meet, Bikram had never placed better than fourth.
Many said he had forsaken rigorous training for the celebrity status
accorded by his Bhutan win, endorsing Nike's new line of prayer mats
and supposedly dating the Hindu goddess Shakti. But his performance
this week will regain for him the number one computer ranking and earn
him new respect, as well as for his coach Mahananda Vasti, the
controversial guru some have called Bikram's "guru."
"My special training diet for Bikram of one super-charged, carbo-loaded
grain of rice per day was essential to his win," Vasti said.
The defeated Gupta denied that Bikram's taunting was a factor in his
inability to attain TC. "I just wasn't myself today," Gupta commented.
"I wasn't any self today. I was an egoless particle of the universal
no-soul."
In the second event, flexibility, Bikram maintained the lead by
supporting himself on his index fingers for the entire 15 minutes while
touching the back of his skull to his lower spine. The feat was matched
by Gupta, who first used the position at the 1990 Tokyo Zen-Off.
"That's my meditative position of spiritual ecstasy, not his," remarked
Gupta. "He stole my thunder."
Bikram denied the charge, saying, "Gupta's been talking like that ever
since he was a 3rd century Egyptian slave-owner."
Nevertheless, a strong showing by Gupta in the third event, the
shotput, placed him within a lotus petal of the lead at the
competition's halfway point.
But event number four, the contemplation of unanswerable riddles known
as koans, proved the key to victory for Bikram.
The koan had long been thought the weak point of his spiritual arsenal,
but his response to today's riddle-"Show me the face you had before you
were born "-was reportedly "extremely illuminative," according to
Commissioner Prabhupada.
While koan answers are kept secret from the public for fear of exposing
the uninitiated multitudes to the terror of universal truth, insiders
claim his answer had Prabhupada and the two other judges "highly
enlightened."
With the event victory, Bikram built himself a nearly insurmountable
lead, one he sustained through the yak-milk churn and breathing events
to come away with the upset victory.