Life as it comes

It’s ironic since I don’t know how to swim, but I’m going to assume you all have seen Finding Nemo. Life plans have not been going at all. It’s almost hilarious- like the world is laughing at me, but I’m going with it. It’s what you have to do to remain sane people….just ROLL with it. Trust me- you get used to it.

In a previous post I mentioned that I got a job and I really do like it. I share an office with an older lady. She talks A LOT. I like her, but just the way she goes on and on- I hope I don’t loose my sanity. While working here, I have found myself mildly obsessed with some guy. I’ll talk about him later- hes a very nice distractor from everything.

I went to go talk to a lady from NAU/Community College. I am still going to be a nurse, but I need to know how that is going to happen. She gave me GREAT advise…which was a reality check. I know I’m in a deep hole but she was just so blunt/nice about it and she just wanted to help me out. ASU already denied my petition and my ASU adviser (shes great too) pretty much told me that ASU was a no go. The NAU lady, instead of suckering me into coming to her school (which they would but it would take me longer) she told me to “beg, cry and steal” to get back into ASU. I am so much closer if I go back than any of my other options. Right now my transcripts are being reviewed and I could potentially be placed in third block-but I could still need 10 more classes & that is IF I get into block 3. I was going to petition back into ASU anyhow, but it was more of a “bleh” effort. After listening to her, I’m going to petition and I am going to really sell my story. I did have a lot of obstacles in my previous failures and I’m just going to really push that. If it weren’t for those issues, community potentially could have been my only failure. If ASU still says no then Ill have no choice but to go to plan B. I just have to truly try- and in the end it’ll be okay =)

In regards to my CNA plans, looks like they are put on hold *world laughing* I got an email last Wednesday saying that the AZBN denied my waiver because it had to be done within 2 years. I knew about the two years, and I thought that the clinical rotations I’ve been doing since then would count. I am hoping that it is mistake and they will see all of the rotations I’ve been doing.

Needless to say I cried and what not….I got crushed all over again.

Things just didn’t work out for me and you now what- That is life. I must never compare myself to the rest though because that is when I start to feel very incompetent. We are all different and I am not going to measure myself up to no one except me. I don’t blame anyone for what is happening except for myself, and you now what- I am learning from every single thing that happens to me.

This is old. I believe this draft has been sitting here since January of 2014. I read it and I don’t know why I never posted it.
I always say “Life revolves around money.” I think most of us can relate to that, decisions are influenced by the amount of money we have or don’t have. However, I forget that sometimes I want that extra money to be happy. We ALL want to be happy…every single one of us. We all have different ways on getting this happiness.

Yesterday I was at a behavioral health court (as part of an audience). Some people were fighting the petition for mandated treatment and some were demanding their right to get such treatment. The first case I heard was a women who wanted the treatment mandated by the court so her husband could get better (he didn’t want it). I’m not going to share every detail, but the man couldn’t work due to his issues. She didn’t care- she wanted him healthy and there with her.

Maybe she just wants the money that comes along with treatment- that is exactly what I was thinking. Then she surprised me…

“I don’t care about the money…I met him in the bus” and then she semi laughed.

I don’t know why that phrase hit me the way it did. I could tell she was was being honest though. I just thought “wow” she doesn’t care about the money- she just wants him to be happy. I was reminded that money isn’t the solution to everything, I believe my friends with chronic conditions can attest to that.

2/27/2016
As I read over this old post I can tell you that money does make one feel better, but it doesn’t bring you true happiness.

So things have been okay. As you all know I am not in school right now. Once I found out that Nursing School was a no go this semester I started the process to take the CNA exam. I also started to get certified as a substitute teacher (just to have that under my belt) & I started applying to random/related jobs. Of course since my ultimate dream is to become a nurse I really wanted to work in a long term care facility or just anything health related. After 4 weeks of failure (job search related) I decided to apply as a case manager & I surprisingly got it.

I am currently still waiting for the AZBN to approve my waiver ( so I don’t have to take the CNA course to take the test, since I’m practically almost done with my BSN). It is taking very long. Once I am approved to take the test & pass I will be applying to hospitals jobs! Also, I am applying the nursing school at a community college incase ASU says no again. The only set back is that it wont be a BSN. I will have to go back to school to get that, but I’m not too worried about it.

The two jobs are the focus of my life right now, but I remind myself that it will be worth it. I will save money and hopefully get back in school this coming semester!

You know, I’ve never actually started something that I didn’t finish, unless you count terrible books. I received an email today with the nursing committees decision. My petition, it was denied. I will not be able to retake the community nursing class. What a way to start the year. I am going to change half of my goals for the 2016. I am pretty sad about it but I wasn’t completely destroyed. I knew what the outcomes could be and I was somewhat prepared for the worst. I was expecting the worst and hoping for the best. The thing is, I wasn’t prepared for the extent of that worst. I have dissapointed my family for sure and that is what really breaks my heart. Things are definitely not working out how I wished for…and it’s really no one’s fault except my own. All I can say right now is that I don’t know exactly what I am going to do. My plan to become a nurse is temporally on hold. Plan B wasn’t exactly what I wanted to fall back into, but it’s all I have.
It was there mainly for security. I don’t feel secure about anything in regards to my future, and I am almost freaking 25. I hate that. It shouldn’t have happened…
Have you ever ridden the bus? It’s almost like being in a city and the bus you were on stops and you’re left on an unknown road due to previous detours. You think the bus would have eventually led you to the correct place, but it stopped and you are the only one that gets off. You known where you want to be but the way to get there isnt the one you previously Google map(ed).
All you can do is look for another bus that can take you towards the place you’ve been meaning to get to, or somewhere near it.
Life is not like a box full of chocolates, life is like taking the city bus.

Well, this past year did not go according to plan. It has definitely been a disappointing year. However, I have my family, my health and the loveliest of friends. I still have a lot of good that I can hang on too. Its the simple things that make me happy and sometimes i forget. Its so easy to forget when things you yearn for fall right out of your hands; but I have been reminded that life revolves around so many aspects and Nursing school is just one small part of my life. I don’t plan on giving up just yet- I’m willing to try one more time…

Speaking of which, I had the Nursing Committee Meeting this morning. I believe it went well. They were all new members, I am not sure if that is a good thing, but I guess we’ll find out. I was asked about my past failures and even my prerequisites. My throat went completely dry (good thing they had a water bottle ready for me), and I was just as honest as I could be. They want me to make objectives before they can give me an answer in regards to continuing into the program. I will find out by Friday. I am pretty calm about things, although I am not going to lie -I randomly freak out and burst into a 5 second tear fest and then I compose myself.

I should be crowned the Anxiety Queen.

I will say that 2015 was better than 2014 so I’m looking forward to 2016. Like many people out there I came up with a handful of goals that I hope to accomplish this year. Just keep in mind that these goals can change and as time passes, that list will only grow. My goals (depending on what happens Friday) are the following

Maybe I have already posted about this, but I’ve been doing a lot of “what if” thinking. What if I cant retake NUR 410, What if I cant get back into the Nursing Program, What if I never become a nurse, what if I become a loser and I go nowhere in life?

Ok, so I’m over doing it, but I’m just feeling anxious. I’m just keeping things real so I am not so disappointed. Don’t get me wrong I really want to finish this Nursing program that I started ages ago.

I meet with the Nursing committee January 5th. I have to tell them why I failed and how I plan to succeed. It’s insanely stressful. I am scared. I don’t know if I will be allowed to return to school to retake this course. I hate going through this AGAIN. Seriously guys, don’t do it….don’t fail any course in school. However, I have decided to go through with this meeting. I hope I am given the opportunity to try one more time, because I have decided that if for some crazy highly unexpected event occurs and I fail again…I will not try again. This will be it. That’s how I feel about it now….

Funny as in weird. I’m writing this blog in a hospital room. A few days ago I was sulking about Community Health. I was thinking of how unfortunate my situation was. I’ve been sort of depressed and not really doing much except feel sorry for myself. Ultimately I’ve been acting like a loser…by choice. Life sometimes deals you a terrible card, but then you discover that that card is not the worst one you could have been dealt with.
Yeah, the direction my life is taking is not where I would want it to be. However, it really could be worse. I’ve got to deal with what I have now and just be thankful for what I do have. I’ve got a family that backs me up no matter what. I have great friends that encourage me and I really cant ask for more. All I need is 5 classes to graduate. Like my firend Chris said “EventuallyI we will graduate”. I’m still planning on graduating next year-I just have to wait and hope that they grant my petition to continue into the program.