Monday, April 11, 2016

Behind the Scenes

You know how I can't technology? Remember how that's a thing? It's like one of the cornerstones upon which It Just Gets Stranger was built. The other ones are my hair, interpretive dancing, and Tami's wig collection.

Well, you must understand that my inability to technology has hardly been exaggerated over the years. Not that I've ever exaggerated anything else on Stranger. Of course.

I'm reminded of a time in 2008 when, while surrounded by roommates whose patience should earn them a Tony, I asked after receiving a very simple explanation about how the Internet works, "so tell me this: what's the difference between Yahoo and the Internet?"

Please do note that Stranger was born in 2007, four or five months before, what-is-commonly-now-called, "the Yahoo incident" occurred.

It is truly a miracle that Stranger ever got off the ground in the first place. I actually think that several thousand years from now when civilization is reading their Bible based off of our people, Stranger's origins may be included as one of the Old Testament miracle stories. It will go right after the part where my right ear somehow stayed attached to my head despite Cathie holding me off of the ground by it for seven consecutive years beginning in 1990. And right before the part where I got a girlfriend in Moscow in 2009 despite having worms and looking like a British lesbian Presbyterian in the 90s.

So no small feat stood before me when, four months ago, I suddenly declared that I was finally going to start a podcast.

I truly thought it would be like this: record some stuff. Put it on the Internet. Binge watch Netflix shows Cathie can't find out I watch. Amen.

But actually it's more like this:

Solve for U.

I'm not kidding you.

Had I known how difficult this would all be, I don't know that I would have ever attempted it. It's time-consuming enough to find good stories, wander the world to record them, learn how to use recording equipment that is so intimidating that TSA has literally stopped me four times now because they thought I was transporting bombs, organize hours worth of interviews, become comfortable with sound editing software, AND maintain a friendship with Jolyn so she doesn't abandon me for a life of absolutely anything else because that would be less frustrating than navigating through all of this with the man about whom you read above.

Yes. All of that is complicated enough. But the real thorn in the side of my dwindling competence? Everything that is supposed to happen after the episode is finally edited. That is: the part having to do with the Internet.

You know. That thing that is apparently somehow different than Yahoo.

You guys. I have had to find out stuff about the Internet in the last few months that they should only make prisoners learn as a form of punishment.

The magic is gone for me. I used to think the Internet was supported by fairies and magic dust. But it's not you guys. It's made up of this bull s%$#:

If that picture didn't just make you start crying, well then I seriously question whether or not you're even American. Or, from whatever country you claim.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU ARE FROM ANYWHERE!

Making Strangerville available on the Internets has been a turbulent journey. And so when Jolyn called me yesterday to inform me that, once again, an episode of Strangerville disappeared from iTunes, I nearly entered the witness protection program just to escape this nightmare.

After informing Jolyn of my inability to go on, she talked me off the ledge, studied the entire Internet, and found a solution to our problems that was somehow simultaneously so complicated that you have to have an advanced degree just to read about it yet so beautifully simple that a hipster could turn it into the showpiece at an art gallery that you've probably never even heard of.

I'll spare you the details, in part because I don't totally understand them, but also because I've already made you look at a calculus equation, html code (whatever that is!), and a picture of a 90s British Presbyterian lesbian.

The point is, I think at long last Strangerville is properly running in all of the proper places. Which is great. Because we have more awesome content coming your way. And in the meantime, I'm begging you like a man without pride despite his exceptional hair, to download, subscribe, review, listen, etc. to this week's episode, which you can find at this link.

And do us a further solid; share Strangerville with others. I know I sound like a broken record here. But I'm like a Paul Simon broken record that you don't mind hearing over and over again.

Finally, a promise. If you all listen to and share Strangerville, I promise to give you more pictures of Presbyterian lesbian for your future blackmailing use.

After intense scrutiny I can say with confidence that the Presbyterian lesbian look is born of two things: your hairstyle and your general lack of muscle tone. The good news is that both of these are within your control.

In other news, I haven't listened to a single episode of Strangerville. This is because I don't know what a podcast is or how to access one. Your references to iTunes further confuse me. I'm a devoted Apple user and I know what iTunes is, but this does not mean I understand how it relates to a "podcast" or how to listen to one. And I refuse to allow you to take that innocence from me.

Eli, what are you standing next to in the first picture? At first I thought it was part of a train, then one of those old WW1 turrets guns, and now I'm just not sure. Also, you almost look like a young Paul Simon.

I can't get over how much you actually look like a lesbian in those photos. But to be fair, it was cool to be metrosexual in 2009. Remember True Relgion jeans? The cool boys proudly walked around in jeans with gaudy stitching and jewels bedazzled on their butts.

FYI, Eli, you are no longer required to ever capitalize the word "internet" ever ever again (unless, of course, it's the first word in your sentence). "They" changed its "value", kinda like NASA did to poor Pluto.

As I was reading, the page stopped just before the first picture. When you described yourself as a " British lesbian Presbyterian in the 90s", I was thinking what in the world would that look like. Then I opened the rest, and saw the picture, I said to myself, "OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, now I understand!" I haven't had time to listen to the podcast, yet, but I am looking forward to it!