Archive for August 2011

Well, it's been a while since I've written about the league, and plenty has happened.

First and foremost, the Pittsburgh Penguins finally shock off that obese gorilla that was on their back and captured their first ever WCHL title, edging the shocking Detroit Red Wings in seven games.

"I feel more excited than when i lost my virginity," said Penguins General Manager Patrick Matthews, recalling back to when he was 11-years-old. "And that was hard to top. It involved a nun, a trapeze bar, several gallons of olive oil and a dirty barbecue. Yep, that was a good weekend."

Without prompting, Matthews went on to explain that the lone connection between that night and Pittsburgh's cup title was that "they both involved multiple penguins."

The club celebrated the event in style, riding through downtown Pittsburgh on the back of an elephant after arriving for game seven in Pittsburgh riding a modern day Hindenburg.

"We knew we were a great team, but this guarantees it," said centre Patrick Marleau, one of many Penguins who have been around for multiple playoff disappointments. "Now it's time to get hammered."

For the Penguins brass, and the rest of the WCHL, there wasn't much time to celebrate, as the league almost immediately jumped into the 2009 WCHL Entry Draft. Shocking few, John Tavares was claimed with the top pick by the Phoenix Coyotes.

"I couldn't believe he was still available," proclaimed an intoxicated Phin Liew, Phoenix GM. "I thought he'd have been snapped up for sure by now."

Few surprises took place at the draft, and even fewer trades. While the draft is the key to the future, most GM's were already looking to the present, as free agency opened right after the draft concluded.

A few elite players were available, including blueliner Dan Boyle, who spurred offers from the Penguins to go to the open market. Boyle cashed in with a five-year; $40-million dollar deal with the Dallas Stars.

"It's hard to leave the cup champions, but Dallas is constantly in it year after year and it's hard to not imagine they can't reach the finals again with Ovechkin and Luongo," said Boyle.

Perhaps the biggest shocker in free agency was the Ryan Miller, and the elite netminder captured a five-year; $55-million dollar deal with the Boston Bruins.

"We may have overpaid, but whatever, it's not my money," said Bruins GM Cole Wilkinson, tossing $100-dollar bills into the air. "Now I'm off to buy shares in Enron and the Edmonton Oilers."

As the season approached, the waiver draft came and went, and a few players were selected, including Chris Drury and Corey Crawford, who found new homes in Toronto and Carolina respectively.

"Didn't see that coming," said Drury. "But this should be interesting to play in the maddest hockey town in the world."

"Well ****," said Crawford, clearly not a fan of the move. "This sucks donkey ****. Who would want to go to that backward, redneck, cousin-humping, backwater hole? Not me. They can all suck my hairy *** and go **** themselves with a pitchfork in the *****."

"We respect his opinions. It's not the first time we've heard opinions like that either," said Carolina GM Mike "fire sale" McFarland. "I actually liked what he had to say, it gives me some ideas for later tonight when I'm alone."

The regular is currently underway, and with several new faces as the league continues to push out any dead weight. New faces appeared in managers seats in Toronto, Minnesota, Nashville, Ottawa, Los Angeles, Washington and several other locals, including Calgary, where long-time GM Trent Allen stepped down, only to be replaced by fellow long-time WCHLer Lawson Cham.

"I don't have to do jack," said Cham. "I can kick back, suck down a margarita and watch the wins roll in."

And so far, Calgary is one of a few teams piling up the wins, going 15-9 to start the season. San Jose looks to be back to their tradition self, winning 12 straight games and counting to rest atop the entire WCHL.

Close behind? Well that'd be those Penguins, aiming to repeat.

"Only one team has ever repeated," said Matthews, referring to the Sharks. "I aim to make it two."