9 Reasons You Should Never, Ever, Ever, Go To Coachella

The 2014 Coachella Arts and Music Festival concluded on Sunday, and you probably heard it was awesome. Forget that: you DEFINITELY heard it was awesome.

Somebody told you that. A friend. Perhaps a loved one. Maybe a co-worker. A blog even. And you believed it.

Of course you believed it — why wouldn’t you? Your Instagram/Facebook/Twitter/Vine/Tumblr/text messages/fax machine (it’s making a comeback)/email are flooded with photos of young people in jean shorts having fun!

The weather in California is the best! Spending a couple days making memories with your friends sounds awesome! Seeing live performances by today’s hottest bands = amazing!

But you’re wrong. So wrong. You’re actually the wrongest. I don’t dislike music festivals at all. I lived in California for a while. Friends are the best.

It’s not me Coachella. IT’S YOU.

9 Reasons Why You Should Never, EVER, Go To Coachella

The Weather

Indio, California is hot. And not good-times-daiquiri-in-hand, Instagram-a-photo-of-your-feet-in-front-the-ocean hot, but more like concentration-camp-oven-hot.

(Relax, I’m Jewish. I can make that joke. I think.)

There’s no shade available for miles, and when you do reach a covered area to shield you from the throbbing sun, it’s a bar packed with drunk douche canoes.

EXTRA BONUS: Almost every year there’s a dust storm. YES, A DUST STORM.

The Disappointing Lineup

(Note: this photo was taken during Kid Cudi’s performance. She wasn’t even drunk, it was just that boring)

Muse and Arcade Fire headlined. That’s unbelievably mediocre, like the girl I lost my virginity to at Jewish summer camp (she was a 4, at best). Neutral Milk Hotel really sucks. Everybody was excited for OutKast to perform for the first time in like 17 years, and it was a huge bust. You know why? Because a bunch of slutty white girls named Lauren that attend The University of Smirnoff Ice don’t want to watch two guys that were popular pre-2010 rap on stage (imagine that same white girl with slowly melting eyeliner screaming “Play Hey Ya!”) You what they want? They want Tiesto releasing live doves from his shirt and shooting lasers out of his eyeballs while DROPPING THE MOTHERF*CKING BASS. The Coachella event organizers don’t know who their audience is anymore, and while trying to please everyone they basically please nobody.

The People

Everybody loves to say things are “the worst.” It’s so commonly overused these days that I don’t think people even mean it anymore. “That brunch place is the worst”, or “having sex with Fat Jew was the worst.” (She probably meant that.)

Admittedly I use this phrase a lot, and most of the time I’m just being hyperbolic. But this time, I mean it. Coachella is literally a safe haven for the world’s worst people.

There are jerks, fanboys, bros, dickheads, dweebs, girls who ask “what’s my naaaaame, do you know my naaaaaame?”, social climbers, wasteoids, losers, poseurs, morons, people “networking”, rich girls from LA pretending to be hippies by putting flowers in their hair, bloggers, nerds who listen to indie music, bros who love Skrillex, French guys in all black leather pretending not to be battling heat stroke, and my personal fave, people with hula hoops!

So it’s actually the worst, and I really mean it this time.

Corporate Awfulness

Yes I know, it’s rapidly becoming played out to bitch and moan about corporate influence at music festivals, and I’m not the type of guy to be like “Coachella in 1999 was SO REAL and now it’s just a corporate sponsored celebrity circus! I hate it!”

Because I’d like to flush that person’s head in a toilet.

However, it really has become exponentially more corporate each year, and although it doesn’t offend my sensibilities by being gross and soulless, it’s just so ridiculous. A Heineken VIP area sponsored by Scion presented by H&M is really dumb. The name “Luna Bar cellphone charging station” makes me feel weird emotions inside.

It wasn’t quite as bad as SXSW, which had the audacity to bring us Lady Gaga getting puked on by a concertgoer like this was the height of punk rock with a GIANT DORITOS LOGO BEHIND HER, but it was still pretty awful.

The Cell Phone Service

The cellphone service is so bad. So bad. LIKE EVERY TEXT IS JUST A PROGRESS BAR THAT’S 3/4 OF THE WAY TO COMPLETE BUT JUST WON’T FINISH AND THEN YOU DON’T GET ANY TEXTS FOR AN HOUR AND THEN SUDDENLY GET 45 AT ONCE BECAUSE IT’S A BLACK HOLE VORTEX OF ANTI-TECHNOLOGY. IS THAT A WORLD YOU WANT TO LIVE IN??? (Sorry for screaming at you guys. It’s not your fault. It’s Coachella’s.)

It Is Sometimes Held On 4/20

April 20th is traditionally a day that I avoid public places where stoners who “celebrate” 4/20 would be hanging out, like parks. But if you go to Coachella on certain years (like this most recent one), you are suddenly neck-deep in marijuana culture and end up talking to a white guy named Steve from Denver about his ferret named “Harry CHRONIC Junior”.

Overly-Intense Security

Safety is cool with me. I’m obviously badass, but I’m also down with safety. I understand why security at a music festival where everyone has been putting molly in their buttholes (it works faster that way) would be necessary.

That being said, the security at Coachella is out of control. You can’t shoot video; you can’t walk 10 feet without someone asking to see your wristband. At one point, a security guard told me to “stop running.”

F**K YOU DAD DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

The Stupid Hats

Miles and miles of the stupidest hats you can possibly imagine.

No Holograms

They did it in 2012, and it’ll never happen again

In conclusion!

Don’t ever go to Coachella*. Just don’t. If you live in Los Angeles and can simply drive there (it’s only 150 miles), then MAYBE. If you love music and walking around with no shoes on so much that you just have to do it, go to the Governors Ball this June in New York City, the lineup is SICK.

But if you’re not from nearby, Coachella is THE WORST.

*Going to Coachella is different from renting a house with a pool nearby and never actually going to the festival.

About the AuthorFat Jew

Fat Jew was born behind enemy lines in the coldest reaches of Manhattan’s Upper West Side, but he struck out into the world to make something of himself. After failing roundly at that, he returned to NYC, where he’s appeared for networks like E!, MTV, VH1, and more. Fat Jew will answer to a slew of aliases, including Fatrick Jewing, Jew Diamond Phillips, and Jewlian Assange.