Saturday, 11 August 2012

What next?

I have taken a break over the past week from thinking about fertility
treatments. We decided to go away for a few days and tour around
Ireland. It was a well needed break and gave us time together to
reconnect. I find at home, I have gotten in to a bit of a rut. I did
two fertility treatments back to back and thus I limited my activity and people
whom I saw, so my life was put on hold . Now I don't know what to
do with myself so the best thing I could think of was to run away for a
few days and sightsee.

We visited the rock of Cashel,
which is a castle and a cathedral built on a rock. It was the home of
the kings of Munster, which is the area of Ireland that I am from. There
was an old graveyard attached to the cathedral, which I found myself
wandering around. I stopped at graves were babies were buried, and
wondered what their story was, I feel a huge amount of empathy for all
these babies who never got a chance to live. It was sad but also
cathartic.

We then went on to visit Newgrange, which is
a world heritage site, built 5000 years ago. The site is a place for
ritual and burial. The ancient people used to cremate their dead and
place them the chamber in the center of the structure. On the shortest
day of the year light from the morning sunrise enters the chamber. The
site represents the living and the dead. There are symbols of fertility
positioned around the site, life and death side by side. These ancient
people did not live long lives, most died by the age of 40 and the
infant mortality rate was extremely high. These people built this
amazing structure to worship their dead, whilst celebrating life. I wear
a locket with some Luke and Arthur's ashes in, so whilst in the chamber
I was compelled to leave a few grains of their ashes alongside these
ancient people. It is a little ritual for me to participate in, which I
guess is all part of the healing process.

Now I am back
home and once more fertility treatments become the main agenda, what
next? I have decided to do another fresh cycle. I am going to get a
hysteroscopy before the cycle as I want to ensure that the inside of my
uterus is OK. After I gave birth to the boys part of my placenta
retained, so I had a manual removal and a DNC.The procedures went well,
but I want to check to see if there was any scaring. I have asked to get
a biopsy while they are in there and I hope to get tested for NK killer
cells. I have also decided to get some immune bloods done. I was given a
list of bloods to check, I have had some of the blood work done already
but what I will get this time is Anti-Thyroglobulin Ab, Anti-Histone
Antibodies, Anti Throperoxidase Ab and Anti Nuclear Antibodies. Then if
all is clear I will do the fresh cycle in either October or November. My
clinic is not recommending the blood tests, but at this stage, I have
done every test in the book except these so my thought is this time I
might as well throw the kitchen sink at it. If something shows up at
least I have a better understanding, and if all is clear I know in my
heart I have left no stone unturned.

I must admit I am
weary of all these treatments, I am tired and I feel my life is on
hold. The truth is right now I don't have a life, which I know is not
healthy. I have also been goggling, when do you decide to end fertility
treatments and from the suggestions that others have written, I am
getting close to that place. I hate having to wait again to do the
treatment, but in another breath I need the time as I am so broken after
the last one. I have always found fertility treatments hard but since
loosing the twins it is now so much harder.

Epictetus,' One must not tie a ship to a single anchor, nor life to a single hope'...

No comments:

Post a Comment

Twins

About Me

My two peas in a pod

I am the mother to two baby boys Luke & Arthur who were born prematurely and died. Luke was stillborn and Arthur lived for two weeks in neonatal and died in his Mommy's arms. My two precious children will always be a part of me and have a special place in my heart. I love them to the moon and back..