Am i even depressed?

I guess it's hard to find words for it, but i'm bored of living ,i just don't like it ,too many responsibilities, being stepped on by other people and wasting away all my life to work just to get by

As i am now considered an adult i find more and more that killing myself would make me happy, i guess that's kinda crazy talk on my part, when i was younger i was a couple of years extremly sad i just thought of it as normal teen stuff and that it would go away well it kinda did and kinda not now i just feel numb, emotionless don't get me wrong i go out with friend sometimes, i laugh, mostly to make other people laugh

But i really really think that killing myself would make me happy and i don't even find the idea so outworldy strange anymore i just have this feeling in the back of my head saying (man if it goes that bad just press the off button) and more and more i want to do it and find it appealing, i am extremly sad but i don't "fee sad" i feel "normal" i just want to kill myself, that's it.

I can't put it into words what is going on.

The more i read what i wrote the more i think that i am insane haha

Also if you want to help and post, i know that you honestly care but saying "you should go to a psychologist or talk to a friend"
Well i don't have the money to afford it and even i talked to someone about it there's nothing they could do life is life and it dosen't interests me, I would just say i want to do it no special reason i guess.

first of all.. short answer to your question.. yes, you are depressed (at least in my non-expert opinion)

depresssion isn't always a short thing and sometimes it has cycles ... i've been going thru it 27 yrs.

now.... you say killing yourself will "make you happy". let's look at that logically for a second. i understand the thought of never having to go through pain again will make you happy. not having the responsibilities will make you happy. not having so much boredom will make you happy. not having to feel numb will make you happy. but .... once you die, you no longer have emotions, you no longer have feeling, or thought..... so, how does death make you anything but "gone"? you want to not feel numb, to not have to be so stressed from your responsibilities, to not be so bored, and to not go through so much pain.... but death is not the answer if the outcome you seek is happiness, so then we need to find another solution.

you say that you don't think you can go to a psychologist/psychiatrist because of lack of money. have you checked around to see if there are either a) psychologists/psychiatrists that work with people that have low to no income, or b) maybe programs or insurances to help you afford it?

there are also other things you can try, but to be honest, its best to get a diagnosis before you do anything, just so you know what you are treating before you try to go out on a limb and try to self diagnose and then self treat... so i suggest you at least go to a doc/psychiatrist at least to get a diagnosis.

some of the other things include things like yoga, meditation, essential oils, aroma therapy, chiropractic care, accupuncture, diets in which you learn what food to stay away from so as to not increase your mental illness and which ones will help you to improve your mental health, exercises with the same focuses, etc... there are lots of things out there, but first you need to figure out what needs healing... then figure out what you think the best method for you is by doing some research. counseling isn't a one size fits all thing either, there are several different types of therapy, not every therapist does the same kind of counseling... and i'm not just referring to marriage counseling versus individual counseling... but there are things like cognitive behavioral counseling and experiential counseling and etc... many many different schools of counseling... then the therapists themselves all have diff specialties and different personalities... so even if you decide to go with counseling, you still have to do a lot of research to find the one that is best for you and a lot of that is trial and error.... its a long process, but you can do it .. just get that diagnosis first. good luck! take care and be safe

The simple fact you are looking for a way to be happy means that suicide is not the answer for you. You are fooling yourself or your depression is fooling you into thinking that no work and no responsibility would make you happy but you admit that when a teen with neither of those things you were not happy. Further - death does not make you happy- it makes you dead. You do not enjoy the benefit of less responsibility or not working - do not enjoy anything - are just dead and gone and nothing - never a chance to even consider happiness or anything that brings any pleasure again.. Boredom? How about never seeing or feeling anything forever just dark and alone forever? Does not sound like happy - sounds like what everybody contemplating suicide this time of year is trying to avoid - alone and not be included in anything.