You're Telling Me! (1934) Movie Script

Is that you, Samuel? Yes... | Yes, my bun, it's only me. Is the... Is the... Is the dinner | on the table, dear? On the table and off, five hours ago! Don't exaggerate. It's only the shank | of the evening. Half past eight. We will now give you the | correct time. Half past eight. When you hear the sound of | the gong, it will be exactly... 8:30. | Take off your hat! Where have you been? Don't answer! I know | what you're going to say. "Down at the shop, | working on an invention. " If you was married | to Thomas Edison... You're no Edison, | Sam Bisbee. No, and you're no prophet, | Mrs. Bisbee. If you've no regard for me, you might at least have some regard | for your daughter's happiness. My daughter's the happiest | little girl in the world. Her silvery laughter rings out | from early morn till late at night. | Till late at night. Yeah. | Yes, very late. But not in her own home, | it doesn't... Take those shoes | off the table. Who was putting them | on the table? Where is she now? | What's she doing? Who's she with? I don't have to worry | about my daughter. Well, | you'd better worry. She wouldn't be out if she wasn't | ashamed of her home, ashamed of you. Me? | Look at you. Suppose she were entertaining | a nice young man in her home, and you came in | looking like that, with your shoes off, | your suspenders down, and your breath | smelling of cheap liquor. Cheap? Four dollars a gallon. My daughter ashamed | of my suspenders? There she is now | with that Bob Murchison, that no-good... What did I tell you? I forgot. | What? Oh, yeah. Kissing him. | Kissing who? Bob Murchison. | Who's kissing Bob Murchison? Pauline, our... Well, that's life, dear. Girls will be girls. When I was a little boy, | I used to kiss little girls. A rich man's son making | a fool of your daughter, and you stand there. No rich man's son will ever make | a fool of Sam Bisbee's daughter. You might as well | get that in your... That's the... | Take of that hat! I'm sorry. There. There they are, right in my hand. Good night, Bob. I know how to solve | our problem. No, no, Bob. You won't elope with me? No. You won't let me | elope with you? No. What's keeping us apart? Haven't you heard? The railroad tracks. Twenty years married to a man | like you is enough for any woman... Give him a rest, Mom. Say, you little night owl. What do you mean by staying | out the middle of the... The middle of half past eight? Who, me? Yes, you. Running | around with that clown. Never let it | be said that... Hey, you left your gadget | on the doorknob. Your father and I think this thing | between you and that Murchison boy has gone far enough. | Yes. He doesn't seem to think so. He just asked me | to marry him. Marry him? Darling. Hey, didn't I tell you? | I knew it all the time. Oh, shut up! He really wants to | marry you? Well, why not? I'm young and healthy and | full of the devil. Pauline! Sure, | my little daughter doesn't have to be in a | hurry to marry any man. Pick and choose, dear. Liberty is sweet. Once you're married, | it's just like being in jail. I guess I'll go to bed. Look out! Don't get tangled up | in that thing again. I won't get tangled up | in nothing. I'm going upstairs. It's worse than flypaper. Might as well have some flypaper | curtains in the house as that... You know, Charlie, | I've been thinking about... Look out! | Don't sit down there. That's another | of my inventions. It's what I call | the "murder chair. " When a burglar comes in here | and says, "Stick 'em up," I get friendly with him. | I say, "Have a drink. " Then I invite him | to sit down in the chair. When he sits in the chair | he releases that lever. The iron ball comes up and smites him | upon the sconce, thus knocking him | deader than a doornail. Now, don't either of you boys | ever sit in that chair. Put that down, | will you, Doc? Soon as I get this tire on the market, | I'll sell a lot of these things. How's the tire coming, | Sam? Coming? It's perfected. Get over there, and I'll | give you a demonstration. Get over, Doc. Now, give that wheel a spin. Good. Now, stand clear, boys. That's a puncture-proof tire. Say, that's pretty good. Pretty good? It's perfect! I've got nothing to worry about | now for the rest of my life. Hello. | Hello. Do I work fast? My mother is calling on your | mother this afternoon at 4:00. But, Bob, why? | What happened? Well, after what you said | last night about my family, I decided to have it out | with them. I know, darling. But why does she have | to call on us today? What'd you say to her? Nothing much. I merely said I was going | to marry Pauline Bisbee. You did? | I did. And I am. Mother's very much | interested in meeting you. I'll bet she is. Well, I'd better go | and break the news, and if you see ten women | being carried out of here kicking and screaming, | that'll be my mother. Goodbye. Howdy, boys! | Hello, Bill. Say, Sam, I got | a special delivery. Registered airmail letter, | here, for you. Sam. Sam. What's the matter with him? Sound sleeper, | that's all. Hey, Sam! Registered letter. | Sign for it. Sign for me, will you, Doc? She didn't work out as well | as I thought she would. Ought to put | a heavier ball on there. "Samuel Bisbee... "Dear sir. "Your letter, at hand, regarding | your Bisbee Puncture-Proof Tire. "If you care to demonstrate | your invention to our company, "the Board will meet you | Saturday, June 12, at 2:00, "in our main office. " That's great, Sam! Yes, I guess I finally | put one over. Yes, sir. Come on, Charlie, | help me get this tire off. Mrs. Bisbee? | I'm Mrs. Murchison. How do you do? Won't you come in, please? | Thank you. So nice of you to call, | Mrs. Murchison. Not at all. I'm sure you understand | why I'm here. My daughter told me | you were coming. It's about your daughter I've | come to see you, Mrs. Bisbee. I suppose you already know | that my son, who is very young | and unsophisticated, has been... Shall I | say, taken in by her? Has been what? Well, fascinated by her. Now he even talks of | wanting to marry her. Of course, with his social position, | his family and his future... In short, the whole affair's | absurd, and I've come to... And why is it absurd that your son | should want to marry my daughter? The women of the Warren family | have always been above reproach. That is history. The Warren family? You don't mean | the Warrens of Virginia? My grandfather was General | Robert Henry Warren of Virginia. Not really! There, | you can see for yourself. Well, this is a surprise. Of course, | you wouldn't recognize me. I'm the baby on his lap. That was taken on the veranda of | our old homestead in Warrenton. You're sure this album | belongs to you? Quite sure. | Oh, yes, yes, yes. Then your daughter Pauline | is really a Warren! Well, of course, | that puts the whole affair in an entirely | different light. You all right, boy? | Yeah. Glad you weren't hurt. That's a puncture-proof tire. Couldn't hurt that tire. Knock the tree down first. I still think Robert's | far too young to marry, and I was afraid some cheap | girl of vulgar family... You understand. Delicious, delicious! Robert tells me your husband | is a businessman. Yes, in a manner of speaking. However, his greatest | interest is in his inventions. May I ask, | what does he invent? Oh, various things. For instance, he's been | working, lately, on a tire. A tire? | An automobile tire? That's been | invented already. An automobile tire | that cannot be punctured. Oh, but that's | impossible surely. I've never heard | of any such tire. And if there'd been a demand | for a puncture-proof tire, surely someone would've | invented one before this. They've been trying to | for 20 years, and here she is. Mrs. Murchison, | this is my husband. Your husband? Well, this is a pleasant surprise. | I want to show you this tire. Look at the resiliency in that | thing. I think I'd better be going. Samuel, won't you please take | your invention out of here? All right. I take it Mr. Bisbee | did not come from Virginia. No. So Abigail's been telling you | her family history, eh? Well, | you ain't seen a thing. Wait till I show you | the Bisbee clan. We were all Union men. Sam, I don't think Mrs. Murchison | would be interested in those pictures. Oh, sure she would. | Real down-to-earth people. Speak our language. Now, there's Uncle Bean. | Bean Bisbee, the tiger. Fight at the drop of a hat, and yet underneath it all as | tenderhearted as a baby lamb. Look at those eyes... Wrong picture. | That was Uncle Jim. He was the black sheep of the | family, until he got into politics. Now he's got a big home | up at Passamaquoddy. And that's Aunt Minnie, an angel of mercy if ever | there was one, and there was. Known from California | to Maine and back again. Stay up all night | taking care of the boys, night after night. I really must be going now. Wait a minute. I want to show | you my private art collection. Okay, Abigail? Oh! Not bad, eh? Get the knee action? And stands without hitching! Another relative, I presume. No, no, no. Just a little girl I met down | in the New Hebrides Islands. Hello. | Hello. What's the news | from the front? All quiet, up to now. Shall we take a chance? | Now or never! Your naive gaucherie is amazing. Huh? I said | your naive gaucherie. Oh, yes. Thanks, thanks very much. | Nice of you to mention that. So this is the family | my son wants to marry into. Yes, it is. | I really can't believe it. The whole affair will be | definitely broken up at once. We shall | disinherit Robert sooner than consent | to a marriage as... As impossible | as this one is! Why, I'll crack her | in the eye. Come, Robert. | Just a moment, Mother. I don't know what's happened, but | I'm sure my mother doesn't mean... Your mother means everything | she has said and more! But, Mother, you can't talk | to Pauline's family like that. What's happened? Tell me. What is it? Your father. Everything was lovely, | then he came in. Me? What'd I do? | Never mind, Dad. They don't understand you. | That's all. I meant | every word I said. I'm ashamed that | my son should... You've said quite enough. | Now, please go. Bob, take your mother out | of here and don't come back. Pauline, | I can explain everything. Say, who started all this? Come, Robert. | Have you no pride left? Don't you even know when | you've been ordered out? Pauline. | Goodbye. You better go, son. You've | caused enough trouble around here. Well, I guess I told him. Yes, you certainly | fixed that up. You've got nothing | to worry about. I got a letter from the National | Tire Company right here in my pocket. Well, | isn't that just dandy. Now, I suppose I can marry | a balloon tire. Well, I've been married | to one for 20 years, and a flat one at that! Now, you two, | listen to this letter. "Mr. Samuel Bisbee... "Dear sir. "Your letter, at hand, regarding | the Bisbee Puncture-Proof Tire. "If you care to | demonstrate your... " Mr. Samuel Bisbee. Mr. Bisbee? I'm Mr. Robbins, | the president of the company. Pardon my glove. Glad | to know you, Mr. Robbins. Gentlemen, Mr. Bisbee. | How do you do? Gentlemen, glad to know you. Are you ready to | show us your invention? I'll be with you | in half a tick. What's the idea | of the arsenal? Going target shooting? Use that for | demonstrating purposes. Hey, what's this? That's another | of my inventions. I call it | the "nose lifter-upper. " Makes breathing easy | and prevents snoring. However, that's not for sale. And this? This makes scrubbing floors | a pleasure. Put one on each foot, and | use the sponge as a polo ball. What's this? Twins. That's not for sale | just at present. I thought we came here | to see a puncture-proof tire. Yes. Did you bring a tire with you? I have four tires | on my car, downstairs. If you'll follow me, I'll give you | a demonstration of a 1000% | puncture-proof tire, the Bisbee | Puncture-Proof Tire. All right, gentlemen, | let's go. I don't like his looks. | He acts like a maniac. He's harmless. | Yes? Oh, pardon me. | Okay. Help me push this heap down the line. Looks just like | an ordinary tire to me. Give him a chance. All right, thank you, gentlemen. | Will you please stand back? These bullets bounce. I'm going to show you a real | 1000% puncture-proof tire. That's funny. I'll try the other one. I told you he was just | another fool inventor. I guess you're right. You think so, eh? Well, I tell you, I haven't | crossed on those front tires, but I put | the rear tires on myself. I'm going to prove... Watch this. Now, this'll be | a different story. They're a huge success! A perfect case of deflation! Calling all cars. Maniac shooting up cars on | Main Street. That is all. Hey, what are you doing there? Hey! Where you going? Where | I usually go on Sundays. Church? | Yes. I thought I might go | to church, myself, today. Mother's going with me. You know why I'm here. I can't stay away from you. I called you | all day yesterday. I know. | I wanted to answer. Oh, Bob, it's no use. I've thought it all out. I'll come by for you tonight, and | we'll drive to Stanton and get married. I have more pride than | to marry into a family that... That thinks | they're too good for me. Mother didn't mean that. She was just annoyed | with your dad. Well, Dad suits me. I think he has just as good | manners as your mother has. Don't go. Your dad's all right. You bet he is! And when he gets back from putting | that big deal over in the city, why, we'll have | as much money as you have. You wait and see. Are you two children | quarreling? Good morning, Mrs. Bisbee. | Good morning, Mr. Murchison. Coming to church, | Pauline? Yes, Mother. Pauline. Goodbye, Bob. This is final. There goes Sam Bisbee, | drunker than a hoot owl. Is he a hard drinker? Hard? It's the easiest thing | he does. Looks like I'm holding you | up. No, I got plenty of time. Pardon me. I should have brought | a little Vaseline with me. By golly, I put over | a big deal today! Will my wife and kids | be tickled to death. Oh, I beg your pardon. | It was the wind. "Goodwill tour. " If they only knew, | Rosita. But you must forget him, | Your Highness. Could you, | if you were I? Yes, officially. Confidentially, no. So I am to forget Michael, | and marry the crown prince. But I can't forget Michael. But you must. You're right, Rosita. I must forget him. Why, | you've cut your finger. One moment, Your Highness. | The iodine. It's nothing, Rosita. Nothing serious, but | we must take no chances. I'll call Nicholas. I bet he's got a woman in | there! I wouldn't be surprised. There! What did I tell you? I beg your pardon. | I beg yours! I thought this was the | gentlemen's drawing account, the washout. If you don't mind, | I think, perhaps... I'm going right away. | I beg your pardon. What's this? What are you up to? Don't do it, little lady. | It don't pay. When you wake up | in the morning and find yourself dead, it's too late to regret it. What are you talking about? Don't commit suicide. You're too young. | You're too beautiful. I got here just in time. What makes you think that I... I was going to | do the same thing. You? On this train, | not five minutes ago. Suppose I'd have | sent a telegram I'd have had to | go through with it. How terrible. Awful. Are you so unhappy? Little lady, you think | you've got troubles? Listen to mine. I lost my car, | I lost my tires, and I lost my patent | nose-lifter-upper. Nose-lifter-upper? Yeah, nose-lifter-upper. | The only one in existence. My own invention. | Poor man. When I get back to town, | everybody'll laugh at me, except my wife. | She won't think it's funny. She'll murder me. But can't you explain to her | as you explained to me? No. You don't know my wife. The other night | we had some folks to dinner. I said, "Abigail, dear, "is it okay | if I take my vest off?" She said, "You don't mind | keeping your pants on, do you?" Uncalled-for sarcasm. Yeah, | the great commoner, Bryan, almost went through | our town one time. Really? | Yes. Crystal Springs. | Thank you. Has he come out yet? | No, he's still in there. I feel sorry for | my little daughter. I depended upon this trip | to put her over. Have you a daughter? Yes, she's a sweet kid, but she's in love | with a rich clown. Clown? Son of the Murchison family, the richest people | in Crystal Springs. Oh, I see. Society. Yeah. Mrs. Murchison! Looks like | an old Newfoundland dog. Don't you care for society? We don't go in for it. We live on the other side | of the railroad tracks. But you wouldn't | understand that. I think I understand. It's the same in my country, only we call it | "class distinction. " Yeah, we still call it | railroad tracks. Here's my little daughter. It's my wife | on the other side. She's lovely... | Isn't she a honey? She's lovely. It's sad to be | young and in love and not to marry | the loved one. Don't you think so, Mr... Bisbee's the name, but my | friends all call me Sam. All right, Sam. But your daughter should | marry the man she loves. There must be a way, | in this country. Only a fairy princess | could put it over now, and there ain't | no such thing. Don't be too sure, Sam. You never can tell when a fairy | princess might come to your rescue. Thanks, thanks, Miss... | What's your name? My friends call me Marie. Thanks, Marie. If you ever get down | to Crystal Springs, you must stop in | to see us. My wife and daughter would be | tickled to death to see you. Well, I hope | I haven't bored you. Bored me? | You've saved my life. Well, thank you. Goodbye. Crystal Springs. | Don't forget it. What time do we get | to Crystal Springs? Crystal Springs? | We just passed it. Why didn't you call it out? I did, sir, but you was too | busy with that lady back there. Oh, drat! When do we get to the next | stop? Albian, 40 miles. Drat! Drat! Drat! You sent for me, | Your Highness? What engagements have we, | Nicholas? Tonight, the usual reception | by the city officials. Tomorrow? Tomorrow, | Your Highness rests. Excellent. That fits in perfectly | with an idea I have in mind. I saw Sam Bisbee | on the train coming home. He was drunk and making love to one | of them painted dolls in a compartment. Did you say | anything to him? I was just going to tell him, "Sam | Bisbee, what would your wife say?" And what do you | suppose he did? He leered at me, gave me an evil | wink, and slammed the door in my face. And they went right on through | town. He didn't even get off. What do you suppose | they did in there, then? I don't pretend to know, | Sarah. It's entirely | out of my line. Sells his invention | in the city for $100,000, and then what does he do | with all that money? Runs off with | a notorious Russian dancer. No! | Yes. One of them Romanoffs. What's all the excitement about? Sam. Anything happen to him? Who'd have thought it. | Poor old Sam! He ain't in trouble, | is he? Oh, boy, and how. Here's the way | I got the story. Sam goes on a tear up in the city and | picks up a woman, some foreign actress, and he's going across the | country with her in a stateroom. They went through here, throwing | champagne bottles out of the window. I tell you the best of | them are nothing but beasts. No, you can't trust | one of them. And isn't that | just like Sam Bisbee? Traipsing around the country | with a burlesque queen. She was sitting | on his lap, and he was drinking | champagne out of her slipper. When he sees | Mrs. Price is watching him, he gets up and slams | the door and locks it. You know | who she was? I think it was | one of them fan dancers. How do, Mrs. Price? How dare you speak | to a respectable woman! What's wrong with her? Hello. Lovely weather | we're having. Hello, Jane, how are | you? Fine, Mr. Bisbee. How are you? | I'm fine, thanks. How's your... Maybe that was it. Fellows, here's the sheik! | Hello, boys. How was she, Sam? Has she got a friend? What's the matter with you | guys? You all gone nuts? I can't understand what's | happened to this town. Everybody shuns me | like I had leprosy. We've been | hearing things, Sam. It was a tough break, | that's all. How did I know I was | shooting up a police car? Sam, Charlie and me | are your friends. We're with you | no matter what, see? If ever I needed | friends in all my life, I need them today. Who was she, Sam? Who was who? That woman you had | on the train. Oh, so that's it, is it? Ain't it funny how much trouble | a man can get into innocently? Come on, Sam, | tell us who she was. She was the finest lady | I ever met in my life. Joke's on me, Sam. | Wrong jug. Try some of this | new blended stuff. It's a funny old world. A man's lucky | if he gets out of it alive. I never met a princess before. I never met anything | higher than an elk! Princess Lescaboura. I'm the Mayor | of Crystal Springs. I'm delighted. Will you step | this way, please? I'll be all right. | Take care of Rosita. May I present the Chairman of | our Entertainment Committee, Mrs. Edward Quimby Murchison. Oh, yes! I've heard | of Mrs. Murchison. Really? I'm charmed. My husband, Mr. Murchison. | Delighted. Maybe you'd like to take | a little drive around the city or something, | eh, Your Majesty? Thank you. But I must | first see the friends I've come to visit | in your charming city. We shall include them, | of course. You're too kind. Are you sure | you won't mind? Princess! How could we? | Thank you. Well, well, | I don't see him. Him? Who? Everyone Your Highness might be | interested in meeting is here. I've seen to that. But I don't see my | old friend, Mr. Bisbee. Did she say Bisbee? | Bisbee? There is a Bisbee in our town, but | he's not one of our best citizens. Then it couldn't be the same | Bisbee. I mean Samuel Bisbee. Surely you don't mean... Not Sam Bisbee, | Your Highness? Yes, Sam Bisbee. A real hero | and one of nature's noblemen! A hero? | Sam Bisbee? No one will ever know what | he did for me during the war. What did he do for you, | if I'm not too inquisitive? He saved my life. Why... Your Royal Princess... | I mean, Your High Majesty, if we'd have knowed it was | Sam Bisbee you was looking for, we'd have had him | down here, but, gosh... Would it be | asking too much? Would you drive me | to his home? His home? You mean you | want to go to his house? Yes. Why, it's a pleasure, | Your Majesty. Thank you. Where does Bisbee live? The other side | of the railroad tracks. Gosh all hemlock! We're sure it's the wrong | Bisbee, Your Highness, but if you insist. All ready, boys? What'd you tell her? Well, | what could I tell her, Sam? When your wife phoned | and asked me were you here, I said you were | on the way home. I thought I was | doing you a favor. If I had enough money to pay | your back salary, I'd fire you! Think I'll do it anyhow. Why don't you take | your wife home a present? A little pet of some kind. Women are crazy about pets. | They're just crazy. Pets haven't a thing to do | with it. Look at Charlie there. See what I'm taking | home for the old lady? It'll take a bigger bird than | that to square me with my wife. Hey, pet man! Whoa, Myrtle! Hey! Myrtle! Look at Sam | with that funny-looking bird. Myrtle, look out! The | lamp post! The lamp post! Get down, Myrt! | Come on, now. Come on. Now you're okay. Now, come here! | Come here! Come here! Come back here! | Come here! Come here! Put your hat | over your head! It's a shame, Your Highness, you came all this way | only to find the wrong Bisbee. Edward! Edward! | Isn't that Bisbee? Yes, my dear, | that's Bisbee. Well, stop him! | Stop him quickly! Hi, boys! | Catch Bisbee there. We want Bisbee. | Catch him. Stop him! Come on, Myrt! Here. Mr. Bisbee! | Sam! Bisbee! | Sam! Come on up | out of there. Bisbee! Bisbee! | Old Sam, come here! Your old friend, | the Princess Lescaboura. Who? | Hello, Sam. I'm afraid you girls | have the advantage of me. Surely you remember the girl whose | life you saved during the war? Marie! How are you? You're a sight for sore eyes! | Fancy meeting you here! We're conducting Her Royal | Highness to your home. Her Royal Highness? | The Princess Lescaboura. You are, eh? Well... We're on our way to your | house. Come along, Sam. Yes, do come, do come. Say, I wouldn't ride in the | same carriage with that dame for all the money | in the world. If you don't mind, I'll | give my place to Mr. Bisbee and ride with the mayor. Thank you so much. | Come along, Sam. They rolls off my knife. Here, Murchie, | hold the chickadee. If she starts singing, | give her some birdseed. Well, Marie, | here we are again. I'm surprised you didn't recognize your | old friend, the Princess Lescaboura. Lescaboura! That's a funny name. How'd | you happen to think that up? That princess stuff's | a great idea. Hope we can put it | over on the wife. Must be a fire! | Maybe it's the ambulance! There she is now. Duck! How do you do, Mrs. Bisbee? | I'm so glad to see you. Isn't this an honor for our town? Honor? Why, | the Princess Lescaboura! Your Highness, have I your | permission to present Mrs. Bisbee and her daughter, Pauline? I'm so happy to know you, | Mrs. Bisbee. I think you're the luckiest | woman in the world. Is my husband dead? Not at all. And you, the daughter of my dear | friend and benefactor Colonel Bisbee. Aw, gee! | Thanks, Princess. You don't realize | what a great thrill this is. Of course, I don't know | what my dad did, but... You don't know he saved the | Princess's life during the war? Heroes don't talk much, | do they, my dear? But in my country, the name | Samuel Bisbee is a household word. Mother! Mother! Quickly, get some water! Quick! | Won't somebody get some water? Look out, she may be stalling. There, there, Mother! | How are you feeling now? I'm all right. I'll get your husband. Colonel! Colonel Bisbee! Sam! Hello, Abigail, dear. | Did you miss me? Hello, Samuel. Your Highness, I know | it's an awful lot to ask, but won't you come in? I'd be delighted! Won't you all come in? Charmed, I assure you. It looks like a great day | for the Bisbee family. Thank you, Mayor. You haven't a | little dram on the hip, have you? Colonel, I always have | something on the hip. Mayor, you're okay. I voted for you | last election. Five times. Your Highness, please. Before you make | any other engagements, I've invited some | of our best people to my home | to dinner tonight. I hope you'll enjoy | meeting them. I'm so sorry, but you see, I'm dining with | the Bisbee family this evening. But Your Highness! I've made all the preparations, | engaged the caterers. Why how fortunate! | You won't object, will you? Object? If Mrs. Murchison's caterers | served the dinner in your home? Then you could invite | all your friends. Well, of course I'd be delighted, | if it pleases Your Highness. It pleases me very much. And you're all invited. Isn't she marvelous! | What an idea! I never would have | thought of it myself. I can't tell you how I | appreciate it, Mrs. Bisbee. What was that? | I beg your pardon. Allowing me to use | your lovely home for my party. Not at all. It's a pleasure. | Excuse me. How do you do, Mrs. Bisbee? | Good evening, Robert. Thank you, thank you, | gentlemen. Thank you. Well, Samuel? Abigail, my dear, | the party's a big success. Don't be so stiff. | Relax! Relax! How can you | in this armor? Sam, you look marvelous. Oh, thanks, thanks, thanks. | Marie, you're a prince. Princess... Princess! | Oh, yeah, Princess. Your Highness, | won't you come in? Your Highness, may I | present Mr. Robert Murchison? How do you do? | Not Bob Murchison? Really! You're Pauline's fiance, | are you not? Not yet, Your Highness, but I still have hopes. | Well... And this is Mr. Phil | Cummings. How do you do? She's a darling! She's the | finest lady I ever met in my life. Except you | and your mother. Thanks, Dad. Don't drink | too much tonight. No, I won't. That's an idea. Won't you sit down, | Your Highness? Certainly. Come and sit with me. | Thank you. What a marvelous match | they will make. Take off those spats! | Huh? And come right in here! Oh, yeah, I'll have them right | off in a minute. I'll be right in. Hey, you boys stick around. There's going to be | turkey and ice cream later. Samuel! | Yes, dear? Yes, dear? Yes, dear? Take that junk with you. | Yes, dear? Coming, dear. Your Highness, friends, I have a little | surprise for you. It gives me great pleasure to announce | the engagement of my son, Robert, to Miss Pauline Bisbee. Formal announcements | will follow by mail. Congratulations! | Congratulations! ...be here, and everything. | I'm enjoying it. Murchie, | you're a good scout. I'm beginning to like you. Oh? If you want a little | snort of gin later on, I know where there's | some stashed away, out here in the closet... You play golf, of course, Your | Graceness? I mean, Your High Royalness. Yes, but very badly, I'm | afraid. How fortunate! We're opening our new | country club tomorrow. I'm going to ball off | the first tee. If you really | want to please me, let me come and watch my dear friend, Sam Bisbee, | open the new course. Sam Bisbee? Sam? It would | make me very happy. Anything | Your Highness desires. I'm afraid I can't do it. | I just hurt my foot. Will you make an announcement, | please? Certainly. Ladies and gentlemen! I wish to | announce the opening of our new course tomorrow afternoon sharp. Our esteemed friend, Mr. Sam | Bisbee will kick off the first tee. I mean, will knock off the first green. Shall we all go in to | dinner, Your Honor? Delighted. His Honor has | a beautiful bun on. You know, I have | a set of golf clubs. They were left to me | by my grandfather. He was an inventor, too, | you know. That's fine, Sam. | You'll do all right. Marie, this princess stuff is | working like a million dollars. Keep it up! Keep it up! Fish eggs! All right, folks. | Step this way. We're about to start | the festivities. I'm depending a lot upon you. I was never on a golf course | in my life before. Don't worry. | Neither was I. I don't like | that boy's face. Why, he's the best caddy | they have in the club. He don't know | from nothing. Well, pretend you know. Talk as though | you know all about it. Well, I'll do | the best I can. This is a happy day, | Mrs. Bisbee. Do you know, | I'm really quite worried. I don't believe he ever hit | a golf ball in his life. Don't worry, Mother. | He'll try anything once. Hey! Get out... | Hey! Mr. Bisbee! Ladies and gentlemen, as | Chairman of the Greens Committee, it gives me | great pleasure to announce that Mr. Sam Bisbee will knock | the first ball off the course. I thank you | for your confidence. Going to be a great help, | that boy. I haven't played since playing in | the Thousand Islands, years ago. What are you doing? Stop | that! Stop it! Stand still. Put it... Put the bag down. | Go! What are you doing? I haven't played since playing in | the Thousand Islands, many years ago. I used to be in the dressing | business up there. In the early days | in the Thousand Islands, we used to tee off on one | island and drive to the other. How far is it from | one island to the other? About a mile. Really? | You could drive a mile? We used to putt | a quarter of a mile. Of course, we had to | have the wind behind us. Little too much whip | in that club, nimrod. Now stand clear, boy, | and keep your eye on the ball. By the way, did you | bring a ball with you? Wonderful! Now, stand... You don't play golf | with these things. There's a marvelous club. | Bought that club in Europe. Where's that club | I bought in India? Let me see | that Indian club... Never mind. | Wait a minute. I bought a wonderful club | in Toronto. Did you? Yeah, give | me that Canadian club. This is a very remarkable | piece of wood... I told you to hide that | and not let anyone see it... You know | I never use tobacco. That's no good. Now, stand clear, boy, | and keep your eye on the ball. Ah, just as I thought. | It's warped. Try this putting niblick. Putting niblick? A putting niblick! Oh, that's much better. | Ah, that's much better. Now, stand clear, boy, | and keep your eye on the ball. Stand clear! Stop it! Now, you stand clear and | keep your eye on this ball. Sorry to have | lost my temper. Stand clear! Quite a breeze! You stand still, will you? Maybe this'll help a bit. Stand still and keep | your eye on this ball. I never should have had | a caddy in the first place. Go on and hit it, Sam. | They're all watching you. Well, I know, | but this chap keeps... Stay still if I have | to choke you to death! Awfully sorry I keep | losing my temper... Godfrey Daniel! It's chocolate custard. | I'm dripping. I was a fool to ever | bring a caddy with me. Go away! Go away! Look at that thing! Got the pie on there, yeah. Put your foot on that. Now stand clear and keep | your eye on the ball. Look at that thing. | It's still going that way. I was a fool for | ever having a caddy. Hope they can't see this. Come on, go away. You know, when you first | suggested the caddy I... I was against it | right from the start. I wanted to carry | the clubs myself. But of course when you... Don't get | too annoyed, Sam. I'm not annoyed, | only... I look like... I look | like a fool out here. All these people, | they're... You stand clear and keep | your eye on this ball. I think I'll hit it now. You see? Sorry... There it goes again. | Come on. There's your pie! You stand clear and keep | your eye on this ball! Take that! I hope you lose your nail. I really don't. I'm only fooling, | pretending I do, you know. That's strange. It was | around here just a minute ago. There it is. | Huh? There. | Where? There. | Huh? On the end of your club, | Sam. So it is, so it is! What a dunce I feel like. Oh! Stop that, will you! You stand clear and keep | your eye on this ball! Excuse me, please. Excuse | me, please. Excuse me, please. Is that Mr. Bisbee? | Yes, Sam Bisbee. Oh, thanks. Stand clear, boy, | and keep your eye on the ball. Mr. Bisbee! Robbins, | National Tire Company. Yeah, glad to see you again, | Mr. Robbins. We found your car, | tested your tires. I'm prepared to make you a | reasonable offer for your invention. How much? | $20,000. Just a moment, Sam. Is that | for your puncture-proof tire? Yes, it is. | Ridiculous! I'm prepared to offer | $50,000 for the patent. I beg pardon. | And who are you? I'm the Princess Lescaboura, and I want the rights | for my country. Well, I won't haggle. $75,000! $90,000! $150,000! | $300,000. $400,000! | $500,000! $600,000! | $750,000! I'll give you | a million dollars and a royalty on | every tire manufactured! Sold to the gentleman | with the Panama hat! Here's a check | for $50,000. $50,000! You take this check! | Grab this check! Here! Sam! Goodbye, my bun. Goodbye, Mr. Bisbee. | Goodbye, Mrs. Murchison. Goodbye, Bisbee. | Goodbye, Murchie. Goodbye, Sam. | Goodbye, Marie. I want to thank you | for a lot of fun. The pleasure's mutual. We certainly put that | princess stuff over, didn't we? You're telling me! Goodbye, Sam. | Goodbye, Marie. Goodbye! Goodbye, Sam. Goodbye now... Don't forget... | Bye, Peter. Goodbye! | Don't forget to... Don't... Don't forget to send | me a postcard from Niagara Falls! Boys, we're off to the races. | Take that. Now, if anybody wants me | for the next two weeks, I'll be in conference. Right about face! Forward march! What a relief! They've gone. Charlie, open that bag. This'll be the first real | drink I've had in months.