'Salivation Army' could replace water cannon

TPS or ‘Targeted Projectile Spitting’ could be a low cost alternative to water cannon, the Metropolitan Police announced yesterday. A crack team of 100 police ‘power-spitters’, all of them ready to foam at the mouth at the presence of any kind of demonstration, disorder or newspaper vendor could be assembled ‘within 45 minutes’ says Met Commander Mike Smythe. They have already been dubbed ‘The Salivation Army’ inside Scotland Yard, though none of them has yet pledged to abstain from alcohol or annoy people in shopping centres by playing the tuba.

Smythe explained police had a number of ‘salivation strategies,’ involving keeping a large stock of Nigella Lawson cookery and other mouth-watering books in the vans of police attending incidents.

Home Secretary Teresa May, who is known to oppose water cannon, has already volunteered as a target in what many see as a trial run of TPS, at the Police Federation Conference. The conference ended in a political spat.

Meanwhile, Liberal Democrats have come up with the alternative of a ‘bubble cannon’ which would release hundreds of delightful rainbow coloured soap bubbles at incidents, surprising demonstrators and turning their anger into childish wonder. ‘They would then peacefully go home, join the Lib Dems and prepare for government,’ said a tired looking Nick Clegg.