I’VE GOT A BLANK SPACE BABY…

...So here are five clues that prove Hiddleswift is a lie.

Ok let me get this straight on the record, straight out of the gates, I am a straight up a fan of Taylor Swift. Yes, I love her. I have interviewed her, seen her concerts and been tempted to tattoo her initials on my guns, yet I refrained. It was tough though. I am a T-Swizzler but I don’t buy this whirlwind alleged romance with Tom Hiddleston that everyone is obsessed with. Or maybe we aren’t even obsessed at all but the media is and it’s chewing up my brain space because I can’t escape it.

In case you weren’t aware, I am a detective. I don’t have all the answers but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.. wait sorry, I just got really carried away quoting Liam Neeson in Taken.

I am a Pop Culture Detective, and this is my report on Hiddleswift. The five clues that prove its time to Shake It Off… (‘it’ being the wool over your eyes, sheeple).

CLUE #1 THAT TWEET

Calvin Harris and Taylor Swift announce they have split up. Amicably. Then the night before ‘those’ pictures surface of HiddleSwift sucking face, Calvin Harris tweets. ‘Oh boy, it’s about to go down’ That’s interesting isn’t it? Calvin is usually quite good at keeping his privates private, so did he temporarily lose his mind and become the jealous ex blurting his pain across social media? Or was this all part of the plan to make it more authentic. If Calvin gets in on the action it makes the facade much more believable doesn’t it. You’ve all heard of paid tweets, right? And who knows, if T-Swizz has some compromising snaps of Calvin without his Calvin’s, maybe that’s all the leverage you need to get your ex to fuel the global gossip fire.

CLUE #2 TMI + PDA + OTT

There is just too much going on. One day they are cozied up on a beach together, and then the next they are ‘spotted’ on a verandah canoodling. Then they are in Rome holding hands and skipping, then at a different beach on top of each other. At the start of a relationship, I know it’s all go go go behind closed doors but if you are trying to protect your newly formed Bond, future James Bond, 007, then you should dial it down. Keep it on the DL, right? I understand that the best way to get over somebody is get under some else, but it feels too staged and too showy. No-ones wind swept hair looks that good all the time. This is the complete opposite of how Tay Tay has shielded her serial dates in the past. And with all that snuggling in public, how have they found anytime for regular activities like unpacking the dishwater, feeding cats and doing the odd crossword? Huh?!

CLUE #3 GREAT TIMING

Interesting that pictures of HiddleSwift surfaced just as Kanye West live streamed his new music video ‘FAME’ in which Tay Tay appears.. well I think we can all agree it’s a wax figure of the beauty.. in bed with a dozen other famous faces, and famous for many differing reasons. Kanye’s video would be a total blow to her ‘clean-cut lamb-chop girl-next-door red lips and rosy cheeks kind of image. Right? So who’s got bad blood now? West-Swift frenemy status confirmed. Kanye once stole her moment, maybe this is the payback, and we all know paybacks a bi-atch.

CLUE #4 HOW SHE MET HIS MOTHER

Um guys, she met the parents. This is not the New Romantics, oh no, that is insane. You don’t get the family involved so early on, you hold off, until you are sure, until you have done some time, until you are rock solid, going steady. It’s too soon. Way way too soon for that. The Mum thing really for me was the giveaway that this is as fabricated as the WWE. Yeah guys, the WWE isn’t real either.

CLUE #5 ROMANCE, MORE LIKE SHOWMANCE

Hiddleswift’s latest escapade took place at her, and let’s be fair, we are jealous as sh*t that we weren’t invited, annual Fourth of July party. Snapped in the water together it isn’t just the pics that made waves this week. Tom was wearing a muscle top which clearly stated in bold lettering I HEART T.S … more like B.S because if I had been dating a dude for just shy of forever and he wore a t-shirt with my initials on it I would be saying, ‘say you’ll remember me, because I am outta here.’