New Here and SO LOST!

Hi! I've stumbled upon this tremendous resource as many have said and are experiencing some marital issues. I have been married to my husband for a little more than six years and we have three kids. We had our first child when we were both 22 and were married at 23. When I met him we met in very romantic circumstances and things were great when we were dating. He disclosed to me very early on that he had ADD, (was diagnosed in high school), suffered from depression and was a recovering alcoholic. I had always fallen for the "bad" guys and I guess why I initially began to fall for him was the fact he was so young and had these issues but yet was over coming them.

We dated, and looking back on it, there were definitely signs and flags that told me to run, girl, run, but I thought I was being petty. Me, personally, in my own life had a number of failed relationships and never really had a boyfriend that actually took me out on dates, supported me, called me, helped me out when I needed it, cooked for me, bought me things. This was all new and great. My friends liked him, my parents loved him, his family loved me...it was a win/win situation, despite me being unsure if this was the man of my dreams (by this point he had already been saying I love you and so I just went with it)....nine months later, I am pregnant with his child....18 months later, we have child and six months later we are married. It all went very fast for me and I wanted to slow down and stop and think but he felt that it was important to be married to the mother of his child, it was the right thing to do,...he basically gave me an ultimatum. At that point I did love him, we had already went through one bout of relapse with his depression and worked through it and so I obliged. Six years later, we have an additional two kids.

Fast forward to now....well, he fell off the wagon and started abusing prescription drugs beginning about two years ago and went through treatment for that, and in that time has been pretty much absent in the household. Everything that for the most part is talked about, he is doing...will not complete a task, does not initiate a task on his own, I am left to take care of the kids, take care of the house, take care of him, he is impulsive, has anger issues, about every two months has a major blow up where he throws something at a wall, is messy, disorganized, can't wake up and get motivated on his own, needs me to be his mom AND needs his mom, (smh), is impulsive and purchases things on the whim, yells a lot, raises his voice a lot, does not see reason.....shall I go on?

To say our marriage is at a breaking point...well, we are there. I have changed myself so much, each day I work harder to be more patient, to have more patience with the kids but I am finding out more and more that I myself have turned into an angry person. I snap at my kids more and very bitter. I am up at all hours of the night because I can't sleep and so will clean the house or organize because I don't want him to yell at me for having a messy house....and yes, everything is MY fault.

I guess I don't know where to go from here. I know that we need counseling and I (as well as his mom....that's a whole nother story), have told him to look around and schedule it. I am not going to take the initiative in that. He needs to take more of a responsibility in this marriage. I'm not sure if I want to even work it out...in an ideal situation, I go back to being who I was....laid back, optimistic and caring and he, well, he becomes the man and husband that I need...supportive, warm, thoughtful and pro-active. Is that delusional to think that is possible? What should I do? Any advice?

Comments

Although I agree with you that he should take the step and make the appt., it will actually happen if YOU do it tomorrow. You can even drive together. At least you will have peace of mind that you tried.

Too many times "others" try to get involved to help but they are actually hindering the situation. I am the one with ADD and my wife told me in Feb of this year that I will do XYZ or she was leaving with the kids. I was angry, I was mad but knew that I did not want to lose her or the kids! I took 3 weeks but finally made the appt. to see a counselor and was willing to try anything that was suggested. I did asked how much longer was she going to wait for me to make the appt and she said another week then was going to make it for me.

Another thing you need to do is take care of You 1st, then the kids! Hang in there, this web site is full of WONDERFUL people and help. Please feel free to be as open as you need to because people in here will not judge or yell at you for anything but will give you advise from both angles that will allow you to make a better judgement. Also, read and educate yourself about ADD, the more you know the better off you will be!

Thank you for your advice...to the both of you. I have not been on here as of late primarily because just reading everything actually made me feel worse....gave me a sense of hopelessness.

However, to update: I have talked to him and asked him if he would go to counseling and he informed me that he does not think he has a problem. That I in fact are the problem and he is not. I have asked him of this twice and he said he will not go. Wayne...I am definetly taking care of me first. I am getting myself happy and doing all that I need to, worrying about the kids and then will worry about him. THANK YOU!