Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Dogs, like children, can really take you out of yourself, show
you a lighter side of any situation. On the other hand they can drag you out of
peaceful Zen moments so abruptly, leaving you pissed off, drenched in shampoo and baking soda, wondering what you did to deserve the affront....

We were on the waterfront Orange Dog and I, taking a moment
in the park on a rare Child-free Saturday afternoon.

I was walking back to the stairs when I
realised my shadow was no longer attached to my leg. I looked around and there
he was by the water, on his back, those long orange legs kicking joyfully into
the air, his body flipping from side to side.

I forget how much he loves a good roll in the grass. We don’t have grass
in our garden.

As we came up to the street a cute guy smiled at us, Orange
Dog smiled back and promptly attached himself to his new friend.

The guy’s smile sort of tumbled off his face
and he began walking faster.

Meanwhile, I was wondering, what’s that smell?

I stopped and checked under my runners.

Nope,
nothing there.

But there it was again, pwarrrh!

What was that?!

Smelled like a corpse.

A very
old corpse.

By the time we got home, I had him leashed - to quarantine him from humans.

I tied his leash to the car port pillar and grabbed the
hose.

I cursed him and I blasted him
with cold water, and the smell of rancid fish guts (could have been rat too I
guess) began to fill the front garden.

After half a bottle of shampoo, and a couple of cups of
baking soda, blasted him again withthee hose before I rubbing the monster down with a towel.

Still the rancid smell of rotting
flesh still hit my nostrils.

I pulled off his leather collar,sniffed, almost fainted, and threw that in
the washer with the towels for a thorough fumigating.

I sniffed his neck, my nostrils protested again so I raided
the bathroom cabinet.

Issey Miyake did the trick. I know I had a big bottle of CK
One in there somewhere.

He was one miserable individual as was I when I went to the
front garden only to be overwhelmed by Rancid fish guts again. No way was I
going to empty a bottle of L’eau D’Issey onto my pavers, so I shut the door and
prayed for more rain (there’s a first).

Meanwhile the Orange stinker was trying, for all he was worth, to bury his snout in his bed .

‘Serves you
right, you creep’ I told him.

White vinegar was always my de-stink go to, but this situation,
this level of utterly devastating and hair curling stench was way beyond
vinegar.

Later on an emergency food run to the pet store I thought, I wonder…. And
there, to my utter amazement, (or maybe not) I found a Pet Perfume aisle. (!!!!)
OK I wasn’t all that shocked. What was shocking were the prices… the first one
I picked up was just under $20 for 100ml of something that smelled like Brut33!

Pet perfume can cost more than humans'

I did the math. That’s the price Chemist Warehouse sells Calvin Klein’s
CK One/ per 100ml for and to say that smells way better is a gross
understatement. I didn’t need to open the bottle; my frightened furperson was backingup as soon as I pulled it off the shelf.

‘I wouldn’t do that to you, big boy,even humans
shouldnt smell like that.’

Most of the Canine Cologne’s smelled like the stuff middle-aged letches marinated in;the kind of aftershaves
that send you into coughing fits in post office queues, or just leave you with a spectacular headache from minimal exposure.

I chose one with a subtle fragrance with coat conditioner in it. It was mid-range at $15 per 100ml.If it doesn’t live up to
its promises of deodorising, non-irritant and coat conditioning, I will buy CK
One next time.

At least this one gives some of its profits to the RSPCA. I
like that.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

She-Who-Worships-Pink, still not content to wait for that very wobbly tooth to come out, (no; still not!) is writing again. This time to another friend of her tooth Fairy..

It took a while to get a response, fairy mail I guess is hard to address properly, so it can be a bit hit and miss. But the mail does get through. Apparently rather than ponies they have an Owl Express...

Dear Lucie,

Thank you for your letter, I was just too excited
when it was brought to me!

It did take a while though, one of our friendly owls
found it tied to your swing (?) then she dropped it off here at the fairy
library because owls can’t read so she
didn’t know who it was for.

So it took a while to find its way to me. But I’m super-excited to have my own letter
considering I’m not your actual tooth fairy.

I wish I was; Alice is so lucky! And now Annabel can stop bragging about
getting a letter and teasing me because you wrote to me too!!! It’s like a
little club isn’t it?!

What do I like to do? Well my favourite thing is
riding dandelion spores. If you didn’t know, they are the tiny little wafty
things that come away from the dandelion in the wind or I guess when you humans
blow on them.

I’m quite sporty for a fairy, and I love when its
windy. As the spores come away I try to grab the bottom of one and see how far
it will carry me. It’s the best fun ever.

I sometimes try hang- gliding from
maple seeds but they spin around so fast it’s hard to hold on and if you do you
can get pretty dizzy. And feel a bit sick too!

Annabel and Alice think I’m crazy!

Well hope that next tooth doesn’t take too much
longer to come out – Alice is getting impatient.

Take care Lucie,

Amber.

PS I loved your flower, you’re really good at
drawing – I wish I was as good.

I have to pick her up from school now, and I'll keep this tiny thing in my back pocket, she'll be thrilled when I show her what I found while making her bed. She doesnt always check under her pillow!