Quite taken aback today to hear the news that Charlotte Church would prefer to ‘poke her eyes out with sticks’ rather than appear on the UK’s X-Factor judging panel. Astounded, in fact, to realise that she would be the first from her country to take a principled stand against appalling vulgarity in over 33 years. The last time this happened was when Kiri Te Kanawa refused point-blank to sing an encore of “I Feel Pretty” on the UK’s Countdown in 1979. Astonishment quickly turned to disappointment, however, when I later discovered that Charlotte is Welsh, and not a New Zealander after all.

Disappointment, because many of my Kiwi friends continue to dream that, one day, the world will recognise their country as being inhabited, not just by dodgy environmentalists and sheep, but by a sophisticated people of high intelligence, culture and breeding and send them more IMF money. With all the evidence continuing to suggest the opposite, I see little cause for optimism. And the exodus of thousands of panicky Australian Green supporters two weeks ago, desperate to emigrate to NZ and start a new life after Rudd’s shock PNG asylum solution was unveiled two weeks ago, will do little to help their cause.

Jeff Kennett’s call on the Labor and Liberal parties yesterday to preference The Greens out of existence this election is very welcome, but poses a problem. If this pleasant thought were to come about, the devastated remnants of the Greens and their supporters will want to end it all and cut and run to New Zealand as well.

In the interests of sparing the Kiwis more adversity, I suggest that, immediately after the election, the Greens and all other so-called progressives should be granted political refugee status and despatched to Rudd’s PNG Gulag without delay. The very real threat of The Greens being ruthlessly hunted down and killed by screaming mobs of blood-thirsty Australians, quite rightly demanding revenge for the devastation that’s been wreaked on the country while they were in office, should present an open and shut case for any UNHCR investigating committee. Thus spared by more unwelcome immigrants, the good people of New Zealand will be free to continue to live the dream again.