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Husband deserves clear explanation of what's wrong

no kids, much travel, pay our house off quickly. Twelve years later, I've moved out because I think things will never change. I'm no longer attracted to him and have lost respect for him. I feel I was too young to make those commitments. I have a hard time telling him my issues for fear of hurting him. We've basically stopped talking for the past year. Even if he changes his mind about kids I don't want to be with him. We've grown apart. However, I've agreed to see a counsellor together, as a way to close things. I'm excited for my own future, but he views counselling as a chance to fix things. I'm getting flak from friends because of my prior lack of communication (my moving out was a shock). I'm pressured to go back and try. When I listen to others, I change my mind. How can I get everyone to accept that it's over?

Q: My husband and I met and married very young, making strong agreements – no kids, much travel, pay our house off quickly. Twelve years later, I've moved out because I think things will never change. I'm no longer attracted to him and have lost respect for him. I feel I was too young to make those commitments. I have a hard time telling him my issues for fear of hurting him. We've basically stopped talking for the past year. Even if he changes his mind about kids I don't want to be with him. We've grown apart. However, I've agreed to see a counsellor together, as a way to close things. I'm excited for my own future, but he views counselling as a chance to fix things. I'm getting flak from friends because of my prior lack of communication (my moving out was a shock). I'm pressured to go back and try. When I listen to others, I change my mind. How can I get everyone to accept that it's over?

Crazy with Indecision

A: I understand your enthusiasm for a whole new life, but your lack of communication and closed-mind attitude leave you looking like the unfair one. You've already hurt your husband, but you could still handle this differently. Speak up. After 12 years, he deserves a clear explanation that you've grown apart and that the long-ago commitments made you feel trapped, with no chance of change.

You built up resentments toward him, which lessened your attraction and respect. Had you spoken up sooner, there might have been a chance for growing differently and together. Your counselling will be wasted if you have no intention of opening your mind to wherever it leads. If it's separation counselling you want, say so. Tell your friends this is your life to improve or mess up.

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You now need to be honest, instead of silent.

Q: My daughter, 19, is a high-school dropout and not working at the moment. She's up all night talking on the phone and sleeping all day. I've said she needs to find a job – any job – but she hasn't found one or tried very hard. My husband had told me to back off from her somewhat because we're moving and were unsure where we're going. Now, we've found a house and know the area, but she's still not making much effort. I don't know what I should do to motivate her and wonder if she's feeling depressed.

Confused

A: It's time to cross the line from just indulging your daughter's withdrawal to actively helping her find some direction in her life. If depression is a real concern, take her to a doctor and see if there's more to her behaviour than just fatigue from late nights as well as immobilizing confusion about how to live in an adult world. While expressing some understanding of her feelings, tell her of your parental responsibility to try to help her find her way. But, if she resists, be clear that any responsibility to house, feed and clothe her will draw to a close.

Arrange sessions with a career counsellor to help focus her interests and talents. You may commit to support her while she takes some courses, does an internship, or returns to high school.

After that, she's on her own. You can find her an apartment and pay the first three months, or charge rent at home, but she must get a job, or leave.

Tip of the Day

When you avoid having "the talk" for too long, silence becomes a roadblock in your relationship.

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