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Olympic hurdle gives new sports distance to bloom

As athletes and fans across the globe ponder the ramifications of postponing the Olympics until next year, enthusiasts proclaim that the 2021 Olympic Games will be just what we need to heal the world and bring us all back together again.

In this global exclusive, the Fin’s Olympics correspondent, Ms Rowena Coates-Samaranch, says that in order to do so, we must tailor the actual events to best test those sporting and athletic skills that will have blossomed during 2020. Here’s how:

The Tokyo Games will now be held in 2021. AP

Social-Distance Boxing: Traditional Marquess of Queensberry rules will apply, except neither contestant must ever get closer than 1.5 metres to the other.

Touch-free Relays: Runners have to sprint as fast as they can away from each other WITHOUT passing the baton between them.

Jobless Track and Field: Contestants turn up for work one morning and with absolutely no warning are told they are in for the high jump.

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Loo-Roll Wrestling: Competitors start at opposing ends of a standard 100 metre long and 2 metre wide track (based on the dimensions of the classic Greek shopping aisle) and have three minutes to wrestle their way to the opposite end seizing as many multipacks of toilet rolls as they possibly can. Other than that, anything goes. The winner is whoever gets out alive.

The Pandemic Pentathlon requires competitors to sit still and listen to a panel of five different “experts” on the ABC each explain how and why a pandemic occurs and what is the best course of action to survive.

Fencing: Not to be confused with the traditional art of fencing, in which two masked opponents attack each other with swords, the new sport of Olympic fencing draws its name literally from the skill of putting up fences. Requiring deft footwork, exquisite timing and razor-sharp verbal attacks, the new sport pits two once-cordial neighbours now wearing face masks viciously hurling insults at each other over the fence.

Self-isolation Gymnastics: Gymnasts traditionally display amazing flexibility, dexterity and muscle fitness on top of phenomenal mental powers of concentration and self-discipline in even the most dangerous circumstances. With an entire generation having spent the best part of a year walking the tightrope of indoor confinement with their loved ones, expect to see a blossoming of gymnastic talent at next year’s Olympics. New categories include the remote control snatch and grab, couch-vaulting, double-mini sofa trampolining and crawling up the wall.

Ventilator Hurdles: Contestants must enter a fully equipped modern hospital and find their way through a maze of red tape and bureaucratic paperwork in order to get into the finals and qualify for a shot at the one remaining ventilator.

Modern Heptathlon: This latest version requires competitors to display seven very different personal characteristics while out jogging around their local park and being confronted by a series of random deadly obstacles, all of which they must avoid any physical contact with. Obstacles that may suddenly appear typically include a friendly neighbour walking the dog who is keen for a chat, a little old lady who needs help with her shopping or a Pamela Anderson look-a-like who accidentally takes a tumble across your path.

Handwash Handball: Exciting new team sport in which two teams of seven players each pass a ball to each other with the aim of throwing it into the goal of the other team. In this new and exciting contemporary version, however, players must wash their hands for at least 20 seconds every time before and after they touch the ball. (Usage or hand sanitisers is considered illegal under current IOC doping laws).

Wuhan Wet Market Dash: In what many believe will be one of the most fiercely contested events of the next Olympics, runners must sprint around the entire circuit of the Wuhan Live Bat Soup and Pangolin Stew Market without being remotely tempted by a single one of the enticing delicacies on offer.

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Vaccine-to-Market Marathon: Contestants must create a vaccine, test it on lab rats, do a peer-reviewed human trial and then in the edge-of-your-seat final leg race to get it to market before anyone else does. Expect a strong performance from the Israeli team.

Pandemic Pentathlon: Compared by many of its proponents to chess or other mental sports requiring almost superhuman powers of concentration, the Pandemic Pentathlon requires competitors to sit still and listen to a panel of five different “experts” on the ABC each explain how and why a pandemic occurs and what is the best course of action to survive it without once either hurling a javelin at the screen or having a complete physical meltdown.

Skype Slalom: In this highly technical and modern sport requiring the most sophisticated personal skillset and training, competitors have three minutes to set up their own Skype camera, including aesthetic lighting, quality sound, internet wireless connectivity, correct uploading speed and group chat interface and then successfully hold a work conference with seven business partners. It’s downhill all the way!

Rowan Dean writes on Media & Marketing specialising in Advertising, TV, Publishing. Rowan is a columnist for the Financial Review. Connect with Rowan on Twitter.

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