Bells

Man: What about us atheists? Why should we have to listen to that sectarian turmoil?

Wife: You're a lapsed atheist, dear.

Man: The principle's the same. Bleeding C of E. The Mohhamedans don't come 'round here wavin' bells at us! We don't get Buddhists playing bagpipes in our bathroom! Or Hindus harmonizing in the hall! The Shintoists don't come here shattering sheet glass in the shithouse and shouting slogans...

Wife: All right, don't practice your alliteration on me.

Man: Anyway, when I get my membership card and blazer badge back from the League of Agnostics, I shall urge the executive to lodge a protest against that religious racket! Pass the butter knife!

Wife: WHAT??

Man: PASS THE BUTTER KNIFE!! (pause) THANK YOU! IF ONLY WE HAD SOME KIND OF MISSILE!

Wife: 'OLD ON, I'LL CLOSE THE WINDOW.

(Sound: Window closing, bells get faint, but are still there)

Man: If only we had some kind of missile, we could take the steam out of those bells.

Wife: Well, you could always use the number 14 to St. Joseph-the-somewhat-divine-on-the-hill ballistic missile. It's in the attic.

Man: What ballistic missile would this be, then?

(Sound of bells begins to get increasingly louder)

Wife: I made it for you, it's your birthday present!

Man: Just what I wanted, 'ow nice of you to remember, my pet. 'ERE!

Wife: WHAT?

Man: THOSE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER!

Wife: WHAT?

Man: THOSE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER!!

Wife: THE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER! OOOH, LOOK!

Man: WHAT?

Wife: THE CHURCH, IT.. ITS GETTING CLOSER! ITS COMING DOWN THE 'ILL!

Man: WHAT A LIBERTY!

Wife: ITS TURNING INTO OUR LANE!

Man: STRAIGHT THROUGH THE LIGHTS OF COURSE!

Wife: TYPICAL. WELL, YOU BETTER GO PUT IT OUT OF IT'S MISERY.

Man: WHERE'S THIS MISSILE, THEN?

Wife: IT'S IN THE ATTIC CUPBOARD. PRESS THE BUTTON MARKED 'CHURCH'!

Man: 'OW DO I AIM IT?

Wife: IT AUTOMATICALLY HOMES IN ON THE NEAREST PLACE OF WORSHIP!

Man: THAT'S ST. MARKS!

Wife: IT ISN'T NOW, LOOK!! OH, IT'S OPENING THE GATE.

Man: WHAT? USE THE MEGAPHONE!

Wife: IT'S OPENING THE GATE!!

Man: OPEN UP THE ATTIC CUPBOARD!!

Wife: I AM, HURRY UP, ITS TRAMPLING OVER THE AZALIAS!

(Sound of missle launch, explosion, bells stop)

Man: Did I 'it it?

Wife: Yes, right up the aisle.

Man: Well I've always said, There's nothing an agnostic can't do if he really doesn't know whether he believes in anything or not.