Dirge

Everything had been going so well. She’d been to see me on campus. She spent Thanksgiving with my family. She put up with my grandparents and washed dishes with my mother. Even more than that, she was starting to open up about her childhood. Things between Bella and me hadn’t been perfect but they had been better—so much so that I couldn’t wrap my head around what was happening.

“I’m sorry, Edward. I thought I could get past it. I wanted to more than anything, but I just…can’t. This isn’t working for me.”

“Physical distance? Are you fucking kidding me? I come home to you every weekend.” I shook my head in disbelief. “You know what? That’s fine. I’ll transfer to Penn. We can live together here or in the city. It doesn’t matter to me. I don’t need to live on campus, Bella. I just need you.”

She said nothing.

Physical distance.

She didn’t mean it that way, did she?

“Look, I know our sex life hasn’t always been fulfilling for you, but I’m still new to this. I know I’ll get better. Just tell me what I need to do.”

“This brings us back to reason number three—your insecurity.”

I was only insecure when it came to us, and if this conversation was any indication, I had good reason.

“I’m willing to work on this.”

“Edward, no. You don’t get it. It’s not working; we’re not working.” She wouldn’t even look at me. “I think it’s best we have a clean break.”

She left the room, and when she returned, she placed a bag at my feet.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“It should be everything. I never kept anything of mine at your parents’ home or in Princeton, so there should be no need to prolong this. We won’t have to see each other again.”

Was this actually happening?

It couldn’t be; she would never just dump me. Would she?

“So this is it? Just like that?”

“Yes.”

She would.

“You said you loved me,” I muttered, more to myself than to her.

“I loved being with you, and the sex was amazing. But love?” She shrugged. “I’m not capable of love, Edward. I thought you knew that.”

“You’re lying.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Then look at me and say it.”

I stood up and grabbed her upper arms, forcing her to look at me. She winced, and I pulled my hands away; I didn’t want to hurt her. For a moment, she stayed frozen in place. Her eyes were closed and her shoulders hunched defensively, and I wondered if maybe I had hurt her. I felt her hot breath against my neck as she exhaled, relaxing her stance. When she opened her eyes, all emotion was gone from her face.

“I don’t want you, Edward.”

Part of me wanted to plead with her, to try to convince her I could be all she’d ever need if she would just let me. I couldn’t bring myself to do it, though. I needed to retain what little dignity I had left. When I shut my mouth tightly so the words couldn’t come out on their own, I noticed my lips were wet and salty. Until that moment, I hadn’t realized I’d been crying.

Without looking at her, I picked up the bag and moved to the front door, pausing with my hand on the blackened brass knob. I wasn’t going to beg, but just in case this really was the end, I wanted her to know.

Your mother and I made an appointment for you to speak to one of the campus counselors Friday afternoon. We know you don’t have class then; there’s no reason for you not to go.

Edward, I get that you’re hurt. I know that you miss her. But you have to let yourself live.

I looked away from my laptop and studied the surface of my desk. One of the best moments of my life took place on this desk. I thought of the day I moved in, when Bella came to see me. I stripped her out of her suit and she made love to me. Except it wasn’t making love, because according to her, she never loved me. What we did was fuck.

And now I was fucked.

I pushed aside the dime bag and empty beer cans and pressed my nose to the wood, wondering if I would be able to smell her on it. Of course, I couldn’t.

Living was going to be easy; feeling would be another matter altogether.