Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

The controversial topic of assistance for struggling F1 teams is set to rear its head again today as Formula One Management meets to discuss possible help for ailing back-marker McLaren.

‘It’s hard not to feel sorry for McLaren,’ admitted an FOM insider. ‘The car is terrible, their new driver is pulling a sicky and, given the sound of his voice, the other chap still has a cold.’

F1 bosses will meet to discuss ways in which they might help McLaren, perhaps offering technical assistance to make their engine work for more than 20 minutes or intervening to stop Fernando Alonso continuing with his ‘no win, no fee’ claim for whiplash caused by an accident at work.

‘At the very least perhaps we can help out by trying to find them a proper sponsor,’ our insider admitted. ‘Given the pace of the car, we wonder if Mastercard would be interested.’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, February 27th, 2015

Carmen Jorda, yesterday

Following news that Lotus is to hire Carmen Jordá as a development driver, Formula 1 fans once again revealed age-old prejudices and outdated views as they took to the internet to criticize the Spanish driver simply because she is shit.

‘In 2015 a driver should not be singled out simply for being shit,’ said gender studies professor Jen der Stoodeez-Prohfessah. ‘These people would not even think of saying these things if Carmen Jordá was good, why do they say them simply because she is shit?’

‘This shows how much work F1 still has to do at beating prejudice,’ Prof. Stoodeez-Prohfessah continued. ‘It would be nice to think that we had all moved on from childishly focusing on irrelevant details about someone such as their woeful record in GP3.’

Lotus also jumped to defend their new signing after a rough ride from fans. ‘It is offensive and completely irrelevant to focus on Carmen’s lack of ability,’ said a team spokesman. ‘She has joined the team to do a job, and that job is to get photographed looking attractive in our overalls’.

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, February 24th, 2015

Dr Ernando Falonso, yesterday

Following his accident in testing two days ago, Fernando Alonso must stay in hospital for ‘at least another nine months’ according to his personal physician, Dr Ernando Falonso.

Speaking to reporters in an unusual and inconsistent accent, Dr Falonso said that his patient was suffering from ‘many, many conditions too complex to explain here’, adding that these unspecified illnesses were ‘definitely not worth asking any further questions about’.

Dr Falonso went on to explain that he had written a personal letter to McLaren insisting that the Spanish driver remain on ‘full pay’ but that under no circumstances was he to be ‘made to drive a McLaren F1 car at any point’ and added that, as a doctor, he personally prescribed ‘contract termination’ in or around November 2015.

According to a statement in Spanish released by Alonso this morning, the driver was ‘really disappointed’ at news that he will not be able to take part in the 2015 season. ‘Oh no, I’ve just realized something!’ the statement concluded (in Spanish). ‘This means I won’t be able to drive that car! Oh well! Good luck Jenson!!!!’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, February 20th, 2015

An F1 beard, yesterday

Formula 1 bosses are attempting to bring more consistency to the sport by decreeing that all drivers must stick with one style of facial hair throughout the season.

‘It’s not popular with the fans when drivers change their facial hair all the time,’ said racing spokesman Ray Singh-Spowksmunn. ‘Imagine you’re a Jenson Button fan, for example. You’ve just perfected the straggly bumfluff look, exactly like your hero, and then he turns up at a race clean shaven. Or you really admire Fernando Alonso’s Three Musketeers beard and you’ve copied that, only to find he’s stopped trimming it and now looks like a sex pesty wine shop owner. That’s the sort of facial hair shenanigans we want to stamp out.’

In light of the new ruling, drivers are now under pressure to select their 2015 facial hair style before the season starts. Sources at Mercedes say Lewis Hamilton is likely to persist with ‘Amish Craig David’ whilst Nico Rosberg may adopt a radical style he calls ‘my dad in the ‘70s’.

Drivers who have already committed to a facial hair style include Romain Grosjean, who will stick with his existing ‘gap year student’ style, Felipe Massa, who will opt for ‘swarthy waiter’ and Max Verstappen, who hasn’t started shaving yet.

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, February 12th, 2015

The Ferrari S-FIST, yesterday

Ferrari says it has made ‘great progress’ in developing its 2015 excuses.

‘There is still a long way to go,’ admitted a team insider. ‘But we wanted to say here and now that we have some excuses ready and we believe we will turn up in Australia in a good position to explain away a shitty, shitty start to the season.’

Sources say Ferrari’s pre-season excuse development has focused on areas where they are weak, such as admitting that they made a mistake, whilst building on elements where they are traditionally strong, such as blaming others and whining to the FIA.

‘We have never had so many excuses ready to go, so far ahead of the first race,’ boasted a second insider since the one we were talking to earlier in this story has since been sacked. ‘And once the excuses are sorted, we should have time to do some more work on the merchandise. Oh, and maybe the car.’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, February 9th, 2015

The 2015 Mastercard Lola, yesterday

Mastercard Lola say they remain ‘confident’ they can take part in the 2015 F1 season, pending permission to use an old chassis.

‘We would have to use a basic car that is not built for this season,’ admitted a spokesman. ‘Or the season before. Or the season before that. Or the season before… look, it’s the 1997 chassis, okay?’

Insiders say since competing in just one race 18 years ago, Mastercard Lola has been working constantly on the car and the team is now confident it is only eight or nine seconds off the pace, depending on how windy it is.

Despite an outdated chassis, F1 sources say the team could be allowed to compete this year as long as certain criteria are met, such as promising not to tit about fitting the wrong engine and agreeing not to let Ricardo Rosset drive the car. ‘This isn’t like our 2010 comeback,’ said the spokesman. ‘If anything, this one is going to be even more embarrassing and we’re working flat out to make sure the car isn’t ready for Australia. Again.’

However, at the end of last week Mastercard Lola’s entry looked to have been blocked by objections from Force India. ‘It’s not about money,’ said a spokesman for the Silverstone-based team. ‘It’s because they’re shit. God, they’d even make us look good this year. Oh… DAMN.’

There’s a crackle in the air here in the paddock at Jerez. It’s the excitement of the new, combined with the comfort of the familiar, blending together into a heady cocktail called pre-season testing. Of course, you can only quaff this particular brew if you are here in person, which of course I am.

Pre-season testing is a curious and fascinating mistress, teasing us with her wiles in the run up to the main event. I reflected on this last night as I dined alone in the agreeable restaurant at my hotel of choice and I was reminded of something my dear friend Frank Williams once said to me. ‘I’m sorry, I can’t remember your name,’ he quipped. ‘But pleased get out of my office.’ Priceless!

What, then, of the action upon the hallowed tarmac? What fascinating nuggets of information and glimmers of early form can one discern if one has a trackside seat in the thick of the action, as of course I do? Well after one day we can already see that the Ferrari looked fast, the Mercedes was surely strong, the Sauber seemed promising, the Williams had potential, the Red Bull was getting up to speed, the Toro Rosso could show pace, and the McLaren was struggling. What does this tell us about the forthcoming season, if you are a seasoned F1 expert, as of course I am? There is so much to glean, so many aspects to analyse, such a myriad of nuances to inspect and dissect in details. So what can we tell about the new season. In a very real sense, absolutely nothing.

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, January 26th, 2015

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

McLaren has confirmed that at next week’s pre-season testing in Jerez, Fernando Alonso will be the first of its drivers to moan about the car.

‘It’s a show of faith,’ admitting one Woking insider. ‘We hired Fernando because we know what he’s capable of. He is as good as anyone out there, especially at moaning. So it’s only right that he gets first go in the car and then a chance to moan about it.’

However, McLaren is keen to point out that Jenson Button will also get plenty of chances to moan about the car in Spain next week. ‘There are no favourites here,’ our man insisted. ‘Jenson is a world class driver and can deliver world class moaning. Our ideal is for both drivers to get an equal amount of time to moan about the chassis and the engine, and then to sigh and tell reporters there’s a lot of work still to do.’

‘Simulations and data can only tell us so much,’ our mole continued. ‘It’s not until you get a real driver out there on a real track that you can really get a sense of what there is to moan about.’

McLaren is famed for the attention it devotes to pre-season moaning, even running all moans through a special measuring machine it developed in the mid-‘90s known as ‘the Mansellometer’.

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, January 15th, 2015

Hermann Tilke, yesterday

Top track designer Hermann Tilke is to open a chain of karting centres, each carefully designed to replicate the experience of one of his Formula 1 tracks and boasting ‘over 20 chicanes per lap’.

Every Tilke Karting Experience facility will be situated on an unattractive industrial estate or a bleak out-of-town waste ground and, according to publicity material, will deliver ‘all the thrill of karting, with none of the inconvenience of overtaking’.

For added F1 authenticity, each Tilke karting track will be plastered in adverts for things only 70 year olds can afford and will boast an enormous hospitality facility full of leathery sex pests in strident trousers which normal people will not be allowed to enter unless they give 10 grand to a turd.

The first Tilke Karting Experience will open shortly in whichever city pays an enormous amount of money for the privilege.

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, January 14th, 2015

Some F1, yesterday

The FIA has updated its controversial new F1 superlicence rules to include a requirement that qualifying drivers must have said ‘for sure’ at least 100 times in the previous 12 months.

Under today’s revised ruling, a driver applying for the top level competition licence must also present evidence that they have said ‘the guys have done a good job’ in a joyless monotone at least once a month during the previous year.

In order to qualify for a superlicence a driver must also demonstrate that in the past six months they have worn a branded baseball cap for at least 90 percent of their waking hours, that they have been forced to speak with pained enthusiasm about a dull road car to which their name and/or likeness has been attached, or that they have appeared in a moderately embarrassing advert for a product or service they patently do not use.

The FIA emphasised that drivers can earn points towards a superlicence in other ways, such as posting uninteresting pictures of themselves in the gym on Twitter or posing for pictures with a team mate they plainly don’t trust and/or like.

Points will also be earned for spending downtime on a yacht, especially if the driver is in the company of a hot girlfriend or, under something known as “The Raikkonen Exemption”, gets ratfaced and falls off the top of it.