Liza Minelli will write, produce, and direct the upcoming remake of Halloween.

HOLLOWWOOD, California -- On June 5, 2006, it was announced that rock musician/filmmaker/zombieRob Zombie would be remaking John Carpenter's classic musical- horror-Western Halloween. As of October 9, 2006, however, the producers have much different plans. "Dimension Films told me that they were going a different route and that they didn't need me anymore," Zombie said recently, "and I cried when I found out what happened next."

Albert Einstein of the Einstein Company has announced that Zombie will be replaced by Liza Minelli, who will be working with the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy dudes to give Halloween a complete makeover. Auditioning has already begun, although the script has yet to be written. Mike Myers has retired from acting and will not reprise the role of Michael Myers. "I'm not an actor anymore," the former actor said in a recent interview. "I can't wait to see who they get to play Michael Myers. Please, Liza, make Michael scary again."

The music will be composed by Elton John and Tim Rice in association with John Carpenter, which pretty much guarantees a run on Broadway. The film is slated for an October2007 release. It is expected to arrive in dollar theaters a month later, and then two weeks later on DVD, and then go out of print for good, like Snakes on a Plane.