Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Nightmares, third night in a row. It is the type of nightmare that rubs off on you in your sleep. Leaving you with a heaviness to carry...that horrible feeling during your waking hours. I can’t recall what the dream is even about. I do know it is the same dream each time.

My sleep hasn’t been good in the past few days, but these last few nights are maddening. Maybe it's all the medication that I am on. Nothing excessive, nonetheless, I am currently taking four different prescription drugs. I do my best to stay away from processed foods and meats to avoid the drugs that get injected into food. Here I am sucking down all these meds chased with a shot or two of whiskey, trying to mend the body and clean the soul.

The nightmares keep waking me up just long enough to talk to myself about the dreams. I lay there asking God to keep me sane. I fall right back into the nightmares. I repeat this process for hours, till the light breaks the blackness.

Prayer. I do not pray as much as I used to. There was a time when I could be enveloped in deep prayer. For a long period of my life I felt as if I had a personal relationship with God. The embracing presence, the feeling of conversation and companionship with God is gone.

Not my faith, but my prayer is lost.

Nightmares lead me to prayers and the prayers make me remember that the connection is gone. I wake feeling as if I lived a night in Hell.

It is odd to me that we all share similar nightmares of Hellish visions, yet you never hear companion dreams of Heaven.