Monday, October 16, 2006

Ego Wars

Who’s got the biggest ego in the blogosphere? I’m not including all those big political blogs, which are run by lizard-like beings and not humans anyway, but am referring rather to ‘our corner’. ‘Our Corner’ is a somewhat ill-defined term given that we all move in slightly different blog circles and have different links, but nevertheless…

I hereby announce the opening of nominations for the 2006 Cock of Narcissus Awards. Narcissus was of course the most narcissistic person in history, and how better to symbolise rampant self-obsession than with a crowing fowl standing erect. So send me your choices of the three most up-their-own-arse bloggers, in order, and I’ll collate the results and publish them when I get a moment in my busy and important life to attend to such trivia.

Remember, I’m not looking for the funniest, most self-actualised or most self-confident blogger – that would be me, of course – but for the person whose swollen sense of self-importance is such that David Hasselhoff is made to look like a dilettante by comparison. (Look up that word if you don’t know it; it’s not my fault you can’t speak French like me.) I’m aware that this exercise might lead to cases of shattered self-esteem, threats of violence, and a bitterness that could echo down the generations (as did the first annual Blunt Cogs Smug Awards, which I won as Best Character); but to achieve this will require an effort on the part of all of us.

You can post your choices in the comments, or email me. Confidentiality is guaranteed subject to my discretion.

Do you know how difficult it is to read your posts with my head up me hole? I suspect you to be the kind of man to go to India and throw out a handful of change for the poor kids to fight over and for them to find out they are only washers, not coins, but that is a part of your appeal, I'll send you my 3 shites after some consideration.

There are many huge egos around here - extremely fragile, but enormous nonetheless. However, there are few that are so full of themeselves that they will actually blog under their own name, so I claim 1st prize.

Big egos make for big twats, and I don't go out of my way to read the musings of twats, so I don't have any firsthand nominee. However I've been told that the girl with the 1 track mind is quite taken with herself right now; if one believes Woody Allen's definition of masturbation, she must be wanking non-stop these days.

This is all about me, isn't it?When will your incessant sniping end?I’m better than you. Gerroveritt!Surely by definition bloggers will use I and ME, an awful lot, ( as if we gave a damn) but that self absorption would point to a neurosis rather than an egotistical extroversion. Or, am I, me if you will, talking bollocks?I wonder if EGO is the right word. Massive egos? I haven’t really seen that.

For use of I and Me and references to their own blogs on their own and other’s blogs, it’s a tie between Kim and SafeTinspector. (NB both are IT types)

With Jokemail coming up third. He’s always pushing links and asking for reciprocation that one. Maybe he gets paid per hit or summat.He’ll be cross now.

Sadly, I must nominate myself.Exactly as you say, I may not be the most self-assured or splashy, but my Ego is apparently made of blown-glass and is roughly the size of my Ford Focus.

I think I should be ahead of Kim because I don't give any fucking thing back in exchange for what attention I rape from your collective psyches, whereas he spouts a lot of useful philosophical affirmations to get his petting in.

Me am Monstee! Me have EVERYTHING bigger than all of you! You name it, me have/am/was/will be/ will have/shat/will have had/will have been/and DO more than any or you! You want talk big egos? Who els you know use they name as description for greatness???

Me. I give myself the vote because there are times I truly believe, no know that I am the only person who knows what's going on. I believe myself capable of dazzling wit and sudden plunges into the profound.

There are times too when my ego shrinks to *pop* almost nothing, and this almost nothing is sucked into a black hole somewhere by my spleen, causing me to hunch increasingly over the gurgling void until I too disappear into it, like some kind of a cannibalistic* comma.

So why doesn't this last cancel out the former? Because both the outrageous confidence of the former, and the implosive chasm of the other are too marked to render my total imprint a cipher. Rather, my mark is a pendulum's groove, a deeply embarrassing groove.

There have been times I've had my head so far up my arse it reemerged on top of my neck again, only a little less confident because I spotted some worrying polyps on my colon on the way up.

But now it occurs to me that self-confidence might not define the ego as well as self-satisfaction. Self-confidence can be baffling especially when it shows up in the mediocre like me. But self-satisfaction is what truly irritates people I think. Self-satisfied people are easily offended because their own code-book - which they want us all to understand is what defines them, being born of clear-headedness and hard knocks and some mysterious innate wisdom - will not allow for certain outrages.

I am, or at least have been, one of these outrages, but my own feet are standing on far too unstable a sand-dune to be too sure of anything, most of all myself, which is troublesome and confusing. And besides, I have accomplished very little in the grand scheme of things to be self-satisfied or smug about. More's the pity.

So,in your search for who among us has the biggest ego, I think you should look for the most self-satisfied person. The prickliest prick of us all. The person who has a hard time being wrong. The person who wants to couch a point in such a fashion that its real point is to cast themselves in a particular light, rather than to address the actual point in hand.

The biggest egos are not always the loudest and the fact that a person may be right is much less irritating than the manner in which he conveys his rightness. Plus a certain willful inflexibility of thought.

We all know them, but I truly don't think that there's any smugness of that sort in this wee group. Sorry to be boring but I just don't see too much in the way of smug self-satisfaction round these parts.

Foot Eater has constructed this post because he fears he could easily be accused of it and hopes to deflect attention away from himself. He isn't the smuggest bastard about as he's too insecure, but he fears the accusation nonetheless.

I worked it out so I'm now feeling self satisfied and smug, which means I win again.