in the workplace, not
silence, either through
group settings or one-on-one sessions with the
manager or a trained
psychologist—
employee-assistance-program-provided or other wise.

“The sooner
bereaved employees
feel supported, the safer
they feel,” says Fell.
“And a safe environment
helps them to be more
productive. HR and
all supervisors should
be trained on all this;
it should be a detailed
guideline provided to
everyone. And it’s not,

Educating Management

It baffles Fell and
others that death is not
dealt with more directly
in the workplace.
Florian thinks that has
something to do with
the fact that “we live in
a society that denies
death and grief; we’ve
outsourced death,” she
says.

“Think about 100
years ago,” Florian says,
“when generations of
families all lived in the
same house and the
same town; death was
an everyday normal
part of life, people died
young, people grieved
together … the wake
was often in the living
room. Death was
something everyone
was part of.

“Then so muchhappened in the 20thcentury,” she says,So has the sense that, in business,we “tough it out,” says Andy Grant,clinical manager at Chicago-based EAPprovider ComPsych. It’s not employers’“modus operandi to evaluate whatthey do for their people who are goingthrough a grieving process; that’s notour business identity,” he says. “Mindyou, we’ll be called out for counselingafter a large crisis, like a massshooting, but on an individual basis, it’sHe agrees having some educationalmaterial for the management teamabout grief and loss—including pointersabout expected decreases in creativity,… basically, a different person whodoesn’t care about some of the thingsthat used to be so important to me,a transformation even my kids havenoticed and are reacting to. I’m notsure when this will change or if it everwill. What I do know now is there’sno going back. As more than oneexpert told me through my ordeal andresearch for this piece, life will neverbe the same.

There are so many things so many
of us do not know about grief; a life
forever changed is just one. The
second year being harder than the
first is another, says Amy Florian,
thanatologist (loss counselor) and
grief coach from Hoffman Estates, Ill.,
who calls her consultancy Corgenius:
Adding Heart to the Brains of the
Business.

“There are two parts of grief,”she says. “The first year is all aboutletting go. The second year is all aboutmoving on [right at the time that]you’ve lost the support from friendswho think you should be over it.”It’s this general lack of knowledgeabout grief that makes it morechallenging for employees andemployers than it needs to be, Florianand others say. Establishing a morerobust support system for a grievingreturning employee, they say, helpsthe business in the long run, but feworganizations are doing everythingthey can to establish more effectivepolicies and procedures, beyond theallotted leave time.

“Bereavement in the workplace
is still a new frontier,” says Lynda
Cheldelin Fell, founder of Grief Diaries
and CEO of AlyBlue Media, based in
Ferndale, Wash. Aly was her 15-year-
old daughter who died in a car accident
in 2009. Blue was Aly’s favorite color.
Fell knows grief well. Now she’s
putting all her efforts into helping
employers and employees cope with
“the elephant in the room” through the
company she created in her daughter’s
honor.

Most employers, she says, are“scared about lost productivity and alsoscared they’ll do something wrong;there’s just not enough informationabout what’s actually happening beyondthe leave in their bereavement section ofthe employee manual.” In fact, Fell says,“the ideal bereavement policy wouldlook similar to maternity- and paternity-leave policies [that are ever-broadening]today. Why do we allow so much timewhen we bring a life into this world, yetonly three days [to adjust] when a loved(Some employers are beginningto understand this. In early February,Facebook announced it will nowbe giving up to 20 days of paidbereavement leave to employeesin the event of an immediate familymember’s death and up to 10 days foran extended family member.)

In addition to championing betterpaid-leave policies for bereavedemployees, Fell has constructed anentire itemized list of steps supervisorsand co-workers should learn in trainingand take prior to someone goingthrough significant loss (see sidebar).For instance, supervisors should beechoing a tone set from the top thatwork comes second and that a grievingperson should take the time needed.They should know their organization’spolicy on bereavement, personal timeand flexibility, and be ready to explainthe policy to the bereaved and to co-workers, so there is no confusion. Whenthat employee returns, they shouldbe prepared for his or her distractingthoughts, possible mistakes andlower productivity. They should makeworkload adjustments where necessaryand be ready to address disgruntledco-workers who might be upset aboutproductivity and concentration—wouldgo a long way toward helping thebereaved and those around them.

Training can even include what to say
and what not to say to the employee
when he or she returns, something
“not everyone is good at or comfortable
with,” says Grant.

Remember, he adds, a
bereavement leave or slow-to-recover
returning employee “can develop
into a case of disability if that person
starts suffering real depression.” So
it behooves HR to provide a packet
for managers educating them on
the law as it applies to depression
and disability, and all the benefits
the company has to offer. In some
cases, there can be “a whole slew of
services,” Grant says, such as estate
planning, will consultations, and
funeral and financial planning. Some
of his clients, he adds, have all these.

The more managers can
communicate support and supportive
services, he says, then “the more they
can work against it developing into
depression, the better that employee
will feel about his or her company,”
and, eventually, the more productive he
or she will become.

After all, work does have to get
done. That’s why—as harrowing as
human tragedies can be—employers,
and their HR and supervisory teams,
should also work against “becoming
enmeshed,” says Grant.

“There still needs to be clear
boundaries between employer and
employee,” he says, “because there
may be a time when the person’s
productivity is just not meeting
standards and you need to make sure
you’ve been documenting everything
and have offered specific support,
and have gone through all the proper
steps to bring that person back … .
It’s hard. The manager might have
gone to the funeral or the wake; he or
she may now know members of the
grieving person’s family. It can get a
little complicated and difficult.” And,
as all three counselors told me, in the
case of grief at work, at the end of the
day, there’s really no set science or
policy. Every tragedy must be handled
individually. And empathy, comfort and
freedom to share—both ways—are
really the greatest forces that will help
the bereaved get back to work.

In my case, I’ve had the support
of an employer that hasn’t forced my
hand or demanded anything of me
I’m not ready to give. There’s been
no quashing of empathy and comfort
from the incredible people around
me who are bringing me around. As
both my dad and husband told me
many times, death is part of life, part
of being human. And, at least for now,
humans are still the ones coming
to work—in the best and worst of
situations—every day.

Send questions or comments about
this story to hreletters@lrp.com.

Suggestions for
Managers, Co-Workers

For the Supervisors/Managers
In the beginning:

• Make it clear that work comes second and the bereaved must
take the time needed.

• Know your organization’s policy on bereavement and personal
time, and be ready to explain it to everyone.

• Arrange for backups and replacements to cover the employee’s
work.

• Avoid putting bereaved employees in a position to make
decisions.

• Offer a formal debriefing for co-workers led by trained people
such as social workers or members of the clergy.

When the employee returns to work:

• Consider adjusting the employee’s workload.

• Be prepared for his or her mistakes or distracting thoughts.

• Watch for disgruntled co-workers who are upset about picking
up the slack. They can easily become bullies.

• Encourage the bereaved to express their needs.

• Implement a buddy system by pairing a tactful, comforting
person with the employee to check in and act as a liaison.

• Be sensitive to the cycle of upcoming holidays or trigger points
for grief.