I’m sure the guy is dead now, whoever he was, but I have a major bone to pick with whoever invented resumes. What a horrible idea! Who could expect us to get twenty, thirty or sixty years of awesome life and work experience across in a two-page document? The idea of a resume itself is what my sporty friends would call a non-starter.

On top of the sucktastic two-page resume format, we’ve got other obstacles in our way when we try to get across our power and heft on the job hunt. Most of us have been taught to write our resumes in a style we could only call Corporate Zombiespeak. It’s the worst. We’re taught to describe ourselves as Results-Oriented Professionals and Motivated Self-Starters, whatever the heck those awful terms mean. We’re taught to talk about our Skills and Competencies.Read more…

I wrote my first Pain letter after reading your article about Pain letters last week. Hurrah! I got a call from the hiring manager the next day. I have an interview set up for next week.

Now I am avid to write a bunch more Pain letters, but I am curious. When the hiring manager called me to set up the interview for next week, I had already sent in a standard cover letter with my resume, weeks ago. I never heard anything back. Why did the hiring manager respond to my Pain letter so quickly, after ignoring my earlier application?

As much as we feel sorry for job-seekers (and I do, in spades) I feel sorry for hiring managers and resume screeners, too. Can you imagine reading letters all day that begin with “Dear Hiring Manager, I saw your job ad and I was intrigued…?” We read about Motivated Self-Starters and Results-Oriented Professionals and Leaders of Cross-Functional Teams until we want to stick pins in our eyes. It’s atrocious. A stack of resumes attached to cover letters a foot high might yield two micrograms of actual human spark, if we’re lucky.

Let me be quick to acknowledge that it’s not a job-seeker’s fault the stack of cover letters and resumes (See Resume, attached!) yields so little life or individuality. Job seekers have been trained to write a cover letter and a resume in Zombie Language, or what I call Boilerplate Corporatespeak. It’s the language Darth Vader writes in, and every bureaucrat on the planet. It’s the language job ads are written in, and the language policies are written in (you know the ones: “Effective April 15th, it will no longer be permissible to use the back entrance between the hours of eight and six…”).

That’s a horrifying way to communicate, and as bad as it is to read that stuff in corporate life (or to get a Zombie memo from your kid’s school) it’s even worse to read about a person described that way. Zombie Language is not the way to bring across a brilliant and vibrant job-seeker’s heft and spark.

Business is personal. And it impacts nearly every aspect of our daily lives. From keeping a household budget to planning for retirement, to getting (and keeping) a job or just putting up with annoying guy in the next cubicle — we've got a lot on our minds, and Personal Interest wants to help you sort it all out. We're bringing together the Denver Post $mart Editor with variety of experts from the local business community. We've asked them to offer tips, advice and general observations aimed at making the business of everyday life a bit easier to manager. Note: The bloggers were selected for their expertise, but their opinions are solely their own. While many operate their own businesses or consulting firms, we are not endorsing or advocating their businesses.