Missing Movie Scenes: The Fifth Element

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If you’ve never seen The Fifth Element, then this comic doesn’t make any sense. A) Fix your problem and treat yourself to one of the most unique and definitive films of the Sci-Fi/action drama and 2) Come back and read this comic again so we can all be on the same page.

Corbin Dallas is initially surprised when The Diva tells him to pull a bunch of Universe saving rocks out of her guts, but there’s too much else going on at the time for him to stop and wonder just how they got in there in the first place. He’s pretty gung-ho about his mission, so the second he realizes what she’s getting at, he’s two elbows deep in her gooey blueness, ripping out kilos of magical sandstone like there’s no tomorrow (because it is very likely there will not be one. A tomorrow that is.).

I see the stones getting in there one of a few different ways. There’s the method illustrated above, where The Diva Plava Laguna eats them like a bowl full of Grapenuts (though I expect they’d be slightly easier to actually get down than Grapenuts). Then there’s my second theory, where upon she’s running to the gate, just about to miss her space plane to Floston Paradise, she tosses her bag up on the scale and… and… FUCK! 52lbs! Her carry-on is already packed to the brim with head-tendril moisturizing jelly, so there’s only one option. She has to HOMF them down, right then and there. The slight variation to this theory involves a Space TSA agent telling her, “Can’t you read? No firearms, no liquids over 4 ounces and NO MAGIC STONES. You’re going to have to finish those here, if you want to go through security.” I call this the “forgot I had a bottle of water in my backpack” theory.

Maybe The Diva’s species are like crocodiles, and they already swallow stones to aid in digestion. Or maybe they’re like those elephants that eat river clay to gain much needed minerals that aren’t found in their natural diet. Or maybe The Diva is just a dirty ol’ rock eatin’ nasty freak.

I’ve wondered about this for years. Less the “getting them in” part and more the “getting them out”. Corbin was able to dig around in her internal organs because she’d just been fatally shot by the bad guys. Was that part of the plan? Did she know she was going to be killed in specifically that manner? (Even if she did predict her own demise, it was a very specific method of dying that made the mission possible. A head-shot would have spoiled the whole thing.)

Also, those stones were pretty big. Even if her jaw was able to unhinge and her throat could expand to make room, there’s still no easy way all 4 of them would fit inside her, along with her internal organs and whatnot. Is her stomach a miniature TARDIS?

See, I always just assumed she was marsupial or something and had a pouch they were hidden in, and the blood and stuff was just from him having to root around in an area that had been shot up, but that normally it wouldn’t have been a big deal.

I dunno, maybe I’m just too blah, heh. Great movie, though, and I love her performance to bits. Gary Oldman, I’m less impressed by. Not that he was *bad*; just that the movie before that was Dracula and in that he was really attractive and stylish and I was all excited for him as another villain and instead we got… whatever the hell *that* was.