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What do you do to try and establish a relationship with a stepkid who is preteen and is disagreeable over everything you try to do, and blames you for there horrible behovior, how do you make this child feel welcome?

I swear, the teen years are the hardest to get through. I have had mouthy teenage stepkids, who made life difficult during weekend visits no matter if I rolled out the golden welcome mat and waited on them hand and foot like a servant, or quietly stayed in the background and let them have "daddy time." There is no easy answer to this one. You are not their mother, and that is who they will always be comparing you to in their minds. Thank God I was patient, loving and kind to my SKs. Now that they are grown, they send me loving cards on Mother's Day along with bouquets of beautiful flowers. Now it's my bio kids who are in the teen years and suddenly there's the attitude, the mood swings, and the mouthiness. Just be as kind, loving and patient as possible to your stepchild, and realize that the years will pass!

I commend you for having the goal to make this child feel welcome. I would sit down with him and say exactly that. You want him to feel welcome in your home. How would that look, feel, smell, taste, sound like? I would ask your SO to talk with him about the respect thing with you. You need that support as a back up. Also, try to tune in to what he loves and spend some time doing that with him if you can and are willing. Preteens and teens can be brats, even when they ar in their element.

Awww I'm trying so hard his behavior is so bad his own mother called my hubby today to inform him that their son was going to have to live with us fulltime because she can't handle him. It is best for him to be with his Dad fulltime I just don't believe she'll step back and stay out she's real good at lip service. Ironically according to her he hates me and she has fostered this behavior and now I'm just suppose to sit back and not say anything till he gets his son undercontrol, I'm not confident this is going to happen. I am praying to God to help me with this and your advice I'm going to try my best to follow, ughh sometimes I just want to scream especially when I'm being accused of being mean and trust me if I was going to be mean he'd know it.

This really is the hardest age for a step parent to come in. You need to establish a friendship with the child, not as a parent. They will resent anything you do that seems like your acting as a parent to them. Approach them as you would a friend, or as a friend's child. Let the bio parent deal with the punishments. You can discuss it in private, but let the bio parent deal with the child. I know this is not my usual stand on step parenting, but with this age it's what works the best. Just let the child know your there and you care about them, but your not judging them.

I am a former step child. I referred and still do to my father's wife as the step-monster. These are the some of the things that I hated as a child.

1. Trying to force themselves on me. If I was in your shoes I would say be nice, be authentic and then just give them space. Let them come to you in their own time, even if it takes years. After all they did not chose you to be in a relationship with their father did.

2. Go out some times by yourself and let the children have some time with their parent without you around. Suggest to the dad that he takes an interest in maintaining the father/child relationship separate to you. Once again, they did not chose you.

Thank You all for your answers, I have decided to do all of the above as I do not want this young man to grow up thinking I hated him and he was not welcome. I just discovered that his Mother was using going to his Dad's house as a punishment, you know the old if you don't I'll make you live at your Dad's fulltime and he's much harder on you than I am. Which is utter BS my hubby loves his boys and his exwife is horrible for these kids she is teaching them to be disrespectful and spoiled she tells my hubby she's on board with a punishment and even last night his son told him to shut up his mom wasn't going to follow thru with that punishment, which is the truth she won't. But no matter what I will be nice and respectful to him I will do things for him and I will remain warm and if he desires to establish a friendship with me I will be there for him. Thanks, Ladies

Answer by
Anonymous
at 12:08 PM on Oct. 15, 2008

One more thing Aprilmorgans, you survived it right? I am so looking forward to all of the grandbabies all of these sons will bring to us in our golden years and I don't want to be the reason this particular child doesn't bring his kids to see us. I truly do not want to be the evil step mom.