Carmelo Anthony in His Thirties Is an Inspiration to Us All

You know the NBA season is just around the corner than a bunch of players are getting upset about their player ranking in major sports publications. This week, DeMar DeRozan told Sports Illustrated to fuck off for the second straight season, C.J. McCollum tweeted that he wants to rank all “these weak ass journalists” as retribution, and Carmelo Anthony was not too happy to see himself ranked 64th overall by ESPN, a spot below Lakers rookie Lonzo Ball.

Melo took to Twitter and Instagram to express his dismay, and coined the legendary phrase “AS LONG AS I KNOW IM NICE, FUCK IT IM MY OWN FAN”—which will inspire fake-deep people such as myself for the next year and into perpetuity. We all know about Melo’s career arc: he’s been to exactly one Conference Finals, the Knicks are still the Knicks, he can hold the ball for 23 seconds of jab steps, and he can be disengaged on defense for long stretches. There is an argument to be made that his game has not aged gracefully.

Yet after a summer of wearing cutoff sleeves and hoodies and dominating every pick-up game clip that made its way online, and somehow surviving a year-long staring contest with Phil Jackson whether it’s in New York or elsewhere, we’re in the midst of seeing a different Melo, a rebirth—a guy in his thirties, who just wants to play ball in the city he loves, make a lot of money, wear colorful hats in post-game interviews, and check haters in his Instagram comments section when he feels like it. I've grown weirdly fond of him.

So, I'd like to offer a take: It's about time we pay Melo the respect that he deserves. (And considering I still haven’t forgiven Melo for calling Jeremy Lin’s offer sheet "ridiculous," I don’t know how I ended up here aside from the fact I want people in their thirties to be happy.) Here are a few reasons why Thirties Melo is GOD.

1. His boss tried to fire him and failed miserably.

Things were always turbulent during the Zen Master’s run as president of the Knicks, but before the two sides parted ways in June, things were really falling off the rails, as Phil put Kristaps Porzingis on the trade market and essentially tried to force Melo to waive his no-trade clause so Phil could ship him out of town. It was (and still is) probably time for Melo to move to another city, but the petty remarks from Phil—both to the media and on Twitter—seemed to make Melo dig his heels in and figure out a way to outlast his boss in New York, which he fucking did.

2. He invented one of the only good alter egos.

For someone who has spent the past six full seasons with the Knicks, it’s a pretty gaudy accomplishment that Melo has arguably won the past two NBA summers. Last year, he was the grumpy veteran on the Olympics team who refused to sing along to Vanessa Carlton’s “A Thousand Miles,” who won his third Olympic gold medal, spent time at the favelas where he played ball with a bunch of local kids, and then came home and went to a bodega in New York decked out in a monogrammed Melo bathrobe.

This summer, he once again transformed himself, this time into Hoodie Melo, basically the Super Saiyan pick-up ball version of Melo who has been unstoppable in all of the leaked footage at a local gym in New York. From Olympic Melo, to Bodega Melo, to Hoodie Melo, no one in the NBA has better alter egos at the moment.

4. He was the OG savage

This has been the summer of Kevin Durant winning his first NBA title, and then proceeding to track down every single hater on Twitter and YouTube. But even though Durant has anointed himself the social media MVP of the summer, don’t forget to pay respects to Melo, who dropped an all-timer back in 2013 when he added "glazed donut ass face" to the modern day basketball lexicon.

5. He made this FootLocker commercial.

6. He is, in general, inspirational as hell for anyone over 30 trying to hang on and remain relevant.

I would be just as offended to be ranked behind a guy who has yet to play a single game in the NBA and has no respect for Nas, who by the way, performed at Melo’s 30th birthday celebration. There always comes a time when people stop checking for you, and don’t respect the resume that you’ve put out, and only choose to focus on what you haven’t done. Melo carries the burden of being the star player of his generation who has never come close to winning much of anything in the NBA.

So whether he’s playing his usual brand of bully ball at the Garden this season, or finally lands on a contender and can transform into his next alter ego, Championship Contending Melo, I’m now squarely rooting for his success this season. Find your basketball happiness this season Melo, and fuck the haters! Let that be a lesson to us all.