Expensive apples

One day, there was a man driving down this country road on his way home from work. Suddenly, he sees this sign that reads, "Apples $100/bushel."

The man pulls off to the side of the road to see the importance behind these outrageously expensive apples. The farmer at the stand explains that these apples are special because one side tastes like vanilla and the other like chocolate. Pleased by this new found fruit, the man buys a bushel and continues on his way.

Just a few miles down the road, he sees another sign that reads, "Apples $500/bushel." Outraged, the man pulls off to the fruit stand and demands to know the reasoning behind this occurrence. This farmer explains that this hybrid apple tastes like salt and pepper. The man quickly buys a bushel and again continues down the road.

Not even ten minutes later, the man spots another sign that reads, "Apples $1000/bushel."

By this point, the man is outright disgusted. He immediately demands the farmer to explain the price posted on the sign by the road. The farmer goes on to explain to the man that these are the world's only apples that taste like a pussy. The man, amazed at the revelation, claims that the farmer is lying.

To prove his integrity, the farmer offers the man a free sample. The man carefully picks an apple from the pile and takes a huge bite out of one side. Suddenly, the man spits the apple all over the ground.

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A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess. He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place.The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."

No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic. The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up.

The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so. "I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."

A man wakes one morning and feels on top of the world after he has been using a new 'Hide Your Age' cream. He goes down the road and buys the paper and the lady behind the counter says "you look very happy and vibrant today sir".

He replies "I feel wonderful how old do you think I am"? the lady replies "40 years old". "I'm actually only 48".

Away he goes feeling even more confident and happy. He goes in to a smoke shop and buys some smokes this time and tries his luck with the man behind the counter and asks him how old he thinks he is "oh about 35 is his reply."

Well the man is absolutely over the moon and replies "I'm actually 48." Away he goes thinking this cream is the best. Lunchtime comes and off to McDonalds he goes and orders lunch. Feeling great he asks the young girl at the counter how old does she thinks he is, her reply is "33". "No I'm actually 48 years young wow".

While he waits for the bus on the way home he decides to try his luck one more time on the really old lady who is also waiting for the bus and asks her how old she thinks he is.

The old lady says I have a sure fire way of telling how old you are but I must put my hand down the front of your pants. The guy looks around and no one is in sight so he thinks what the hell go for it Granay.

After about a minute of aggressive fondling the bloke says to the lady "so how old am I"?

The granny looks up with a smile and says 48 years old. The bloke astounded says "how did you know my exact age"?

The Grannys reply "I was standing in the line behind you at McDonalds".

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left.

Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"

She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.