Dear Fellow Verizon Haters,
The gloves are off for shy, recalcitrant Verizon in its heated battle with AT&T over the booty that is called the iPhone. The smartphone that can do nothing dumb, despite a recent version not working if your hand blocks the embedded antenna, will need to find another manufacturing country cheaper than China to satisfy the onslaught of inevitable demand and inevitable “Sorry, we ran out” from Verizon customer service clones. Despite the blind allegiance to the iPhone, Verizon formed a committee to figure out how to market the iPhone. After a moment of silence to mourn the imminent death of AT&T, the committee spent 12 weeks in deep analysis with focus group stats, astrological charts, and Gartner research reports, one of which claimed that only the Vatican’s promotion of Jesus could compare to Apple’s iEverything juggernaut. Finally, it was voted that one pound of wild venison would be attached to every iPhone sold on its network, with instructions on how to remove, beat, and grill the meat before talking or texting.