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“If you joke or laugh or don’t seem to take things seriously, it may come off as hurtful, callous, or insults. You can approach the problem in a positive and optimistic way, but you do need to convey that you are taking it to heart and that you want to work together to fix it.”

Interesting.

So, I’ve learned a couple of new and interesting developments…about me…over the past 3 weeks. Mostly the news followed some sugar-coated warning like: you’re great but…, you would be so much better if, I could see us together IF…

I’m not perfect!

I make mistakes, sometimes I pick the wrong option but I’m still human, and I acknowledge that I will at some parts of my life, mess up.

I mess up much more than I envision, but hey, a mess up is a mess up, no matter how big or small. Sometimes (yeah yeah, most of the time), I get there too late to clean up the mess that I’ve found that someone else has (so diligently) cleaned up for me…and I don’t know what to do. Al fin, que será, será.

The worst thing about hurting someone, is not understanding the depth at which you hurt them. It sucks so much when you realize JUST how much you hurt them but it is just a little too late to try and back pedal to erase the hurt, because it has already infiltrated their heart, and left scars, that may never ever leave.

I hurt someone that I really care about, and it breaks my heart. I can’t focus on anything else, I can’t think of anything/anyone else…it burns. It feels like my heart is on the table and someone is smashing it to pieces, one valve at a time…but I guess I deserve to feel even a fraction of how I made them feel.

The more I think I am growing up , the more I realize just how LITTLE I am growing up..it’s kind of sad actually…I don’t understand how to love, or even how to be loved. I don’t understand relationships, or maybe I am just not ready for one. I’m so focused on doing everything RIGHT right now, that it seems that my feelings and potential love have taken a back seat, and the worst part is that it took for me to hurt someone for me to realize what I was doing.

Do I want love? Yes. Am I ready for it? I think so.

Am I falling in love? Faster than the speed of light and it is such an exhilarating (and terrifying) feeling.

To the person I hurt, I am so sorry…I know that will never be enough, but I truly am. I sincerely apologize for hurting you and not being enough, not being what you need. You mean so much to me, and I haven’t even shown you that. I know, I fucked up. I see that. I never took you for granted and I am sorry if I made you feel that way. I really, honestly, truly did not mean to.

Thank you for being incredible and for always making me smile 🙂 Thank you for just being you..kind, generous, handsome, caring, intuitive, you. Thanks for taking a chance with me, and I am sorry for ruining it.

I have a lot to learn (a lot a lot a lot a lot), but I hope that (forse) one day in the future, we can try again? Ball’s in your court now.