Mars & Venus – D’oh!

A friend of mine was trying to explain just how difficult he found it to understand his female friends. “My girlfriend and I were talking the other day. She asked me what I was frightened of and I couldn’t think quickly so I asked her, what worried her.”

“Oh, the usual things. What will happen when I get older; will you still love me if I don’t look so pretty. Will I be left to live and die alone? Will I become a victim of superficiality?

Now how about you, what are you frightened of?”

“Bears” I said. “Then she left me. Why?”

That sums men and women up perfectly really. Men’s inability to read situations, especially emotional ones, is almost guaranteed to end in disaster. But we aren’t doing it deliberately no matter what women think! It’s just that we keep missing the point and you women don’t realise that you set the bar too high for us!

Think about it logically now. A wild ravenous bear is much more frightening than concerns about our emotional well being. After all, a bear has sharp claws and nasty teeth and, apart from the ones who got suckered by Goldilocks and her woodchopper friends, they are not to be trifled with.

“On the other hand a fear of the future can always be solved with a glass of your favourite tipple and a cuddle – Can’t it? Well O.K. a couple of glasses and maybe a nice meal and THEN a cuddle?

Look, if things are really that scary then how about a weekend away somewhere romantic? What do you think? Besides which, there isn’t any football on at the moment and the bloody lawn can wait a week to be cut. So stop worrying would you!”

Now I have done it again. I have started to be logical and thought that I was solving things and reassuring you. And also possibly storing up a few brownie points so that I could get out of stuff when there was some decent sport back on TV.

The reality from a woman’s viewpoint is totally different. Protestations of undying love and a stated commitment or, better still a ring, would have gone some way to stopping the fears.

If they had heard “Oh I am so glad you said that, I lie awake at night wondering if I could ever get by without you;” then things might have gone better!

You see guys; women never tell us the real things they are thinking. They work on many levels at all times. Not only that but we can be sure that any time we fail to add in a comment about our happiness with them, then we are not getting it right!

The answer is quite simple really. Stop being a man and start thinking like a hairdresser. Worry about the vital things in life such as how good she looks in that dress. How great life is with her and how terrible things would be without her. Most of all be sincere about that when you tell her. And if you cannot be sincere then fake it for all you’re worth!

If you think I have got this wrong then just take a look at any woman’s magazine. One thing I can guarantee you that you will not find in those is how to deal with man-eating sharks or rabid bears or any other dangerous wildlife. There is no mention of the biggest cause of deaths and injuries to men under the age of thirty – Motor vehicles.

Nowhere in any woman’s magazine is there information on what to do in the event of a crash, or even who to call to get the best defence lawyers in the remote chance that the crash might have had anything to do with our driving!

If women were logical they would have that kind of article in their magazines instead of ‘How to Work Out the Emotional Quotient of Your Man’ or ‘Fifty Tips To Make Sure You Get Your Way’ etc.

And the silly idea that the phrase “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus” means anything at all, it doesn’t. If men were from Mars then, for a start, we would be incapable of doing much heavy lifting. The gravity on Mars is far less than here and so anything weighing more than seventy pounds would be a nightmare to carry. You women would just end up with a bunch of weaklings who couldn’t carry you over the threshold, and we’d still have all our other faults.

The only benefit for you to come from Venus would be the immediate 10% reduction in your weight which would no doubt be picked on immediately by the dress makers and you would have to go out and spend a fortune on a new wardrobe.

I had better stop at this point before I end up in even more trouble, besides which my head is starting to hurt in readiness for all the slapping that I will no doubt receive once this message gets out there. Be gentle though, one day you might want me to write something nice for you!