tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-152585372018-08-13T07:47:10.842-04:00OLD LADY LINCOLN<b>I like to post a joke, to start someones day off with a smile. Also to write about my family, friends, cooking, hobbies and etc.</b>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.comBlogger3705125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-15532752675128180932018-08-04T12:07:00.000-04:002018-08-04T12:07:23.966-04:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> Lunch with girlfriends </center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b> <br />Recently I ate at a restaurant where a table of girlfriends of a certain age were having a wonderful time, and came home and wrote this. You may recognize somebody, maybe yourself ...<br /><br />Lunch with girlfriends<br />By Kathy O’Malley<br /><br />Elaine’s vertigo has never been worse<br />Kay can’t recall where she left her purse<br />Rhonda’s about to replace her knees<br />Linda’s breathing is tinged with a wheeze<br /><br />Donna's left boob has a troublesome lump<br />Diane’s on her third trip to take a dump<br />Lorraine’s husband can’t remember a thing<br />Nine years a widow, Marge still wears her ring<br /><br />Marlene is dealing with another UTI<br />Sally’s giving a hearing aid another try<br />Marie has decided she can’t drive at night<br />Sharon still wears clothes two sizes too tight<br /><br />They’ve been through divorces and babies and wakes<br />They do for each other whatever it takes<br />They’ve already buried Marcia and Kate<br />And truthfully, Lizzie’s not looking so great<br /><br />So whenever they can, they get out to eat<br />Open bottles of wine and forget their sore feet<br />There’s laughing and crying and letting down guards<br />And when the bill comes, there’s ten credit cards<br /><br />So here’s to the waiters who keep orders straight<br />And to the places that let lunches run three hours late<br />And here’s to the girlfriends, those near and those far<br />Here's to the girlfriends, you know who you are<br /><br /> </b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-43289158479854296142018-07-25T15:26:00.002-04:002018-07-25T15:26:40.579-04:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> Kids in Church</center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ <br /><br /> After the christening of his baby brother in church, <br /> Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. <br /> His father asked him three times what was wrong. <br /> Finally, the boy replied, <br /> 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, <br /> and I wanted to stay with you guys.' <br /><br /> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ <br /><br /><br /> One particular four-year-old prayed, <br /> 'And forgive us our trash baskets <br /> as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.' <br /><br /> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ <br /><br /> A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they <br /> were on the way to church service, <br /> 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' <br /> One bright little girl replied, <br /> 'Because people are sleeping.' <br /><br /> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ <br /><br /> A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. <br /> The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. <br /> Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.. <br /> 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, <br /> 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' <br /> Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, <br /> ' Ryan , you be Jesus !' <br /><br /> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ <br /><br /> A father was at the beach with his children <br /> when the four-year-old son ran up to him, <br /> grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore <br /> where a seagull lay dead in the sand. <br /> 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. <br /> 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. <br /> The boy thought a moment and then said, <br /> 'Did God throw him back down?' <br /> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ <br /><br /> A wife invited some people to dinner. <br /> At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, <br /> 'Would you like to say the blessing?' <br /> 'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied. <br /> 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered. <br /> The daughter bowed her head and said, <br /> 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?' <br /> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ <br /><br /> And if you don't send this to at least 8 people ----- who cares! <br /> Peace, love and happiness<br /> <br /><br /><br /> </b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-35715626309838377452018-07-25T15:25:00.000-04:002018-07-25T15:25:22.098-04:00Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-91251043592393720472018-07-21T14:48:00.001-04:002018-07-21T18:48:14.646-04:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> Jewish Comedians </center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b> <br />You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days: Shecky Greene, Red Buttons,Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Woody Allen, Lenny Bruce,<br />George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield,Don Rickles, Jack Benny, Mansel Rubenstein And so many others.<br /><br />There was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:<br /><br />I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.<br /><br />I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!<br /><br />What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"<br /><br />Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.<br /><br />We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.<br /><br />My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.<br /><br />My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .<br /><br />She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.<br />Then the mud fell off.<br /><br />The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him Another six months.<br /><br />The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. "Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"<br /><br />Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"<br /><br />Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"<br /><br />A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."<br />The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."<br /><br />Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.<br /><br />The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.<br /><br />There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.<br /><br />Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?<br />A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.<br /><br />Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?<br />A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!<br /><br />A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?"<br />"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."<br />The son said, "Why are you so weak?"<br />She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."<br />The son said, "That's terrible.<br />Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"<br />The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."<br /><br />A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.<br />She asks, "What part is it?"<br />The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."<br />The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."<br /><br />Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?<br />A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."<br /><br />Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.<br /><br />Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."<br />"Force yourself," she replied.<br /><br />Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?<br />A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.<br /><br />Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?<br />A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn't 20% off.<br /><br /></b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-23343957222387902582018-06-26T05:30:00.000-04:002018-06-26T05:30:28.257-04:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi </center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b><br />... And he needed a loan. So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.<br /><br />The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.<br /><br />Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.<br /><br />Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater , Texas .<br /><br />What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000.00.<br />The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"<br /><br />His name was BUBBA....<br /><br />Keep an eye on those southern boys!<br /><br />Just because we talk funny, does not mean we are stupid. </b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-55996398340692183942018-06-21T16:49:00.001-04:002018-06-21T16:49:23.323-04:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> Moving to Nevada </center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b> (received from my cousin)<br /><br />A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"<br /><br />She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada .<br /><br />I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"<br /><br />Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.<br /><br />When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year." </b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-22973961391186554182018-06-19T15:36:00.000-04:002018-06-19T15:57:51.475-04:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> An Irish Priest </center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b><br />An Irish priest was transferred to SW Florida<br /><br />Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Englewood mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.<br /><br />The conversation went like this:<br /><br />"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"<br /><br />"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"<br /><br />Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"<br /><br />There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......<br /><br />Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."<br /><br />An old one, but still funny. Received from my cousin Randall Martin<br /><br /></b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-822580523112571272018-06-14T21:30:00.002-04:002018-06-14T21:30:55.020-04:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> <br />THE WAR OF 1812 AT WALMART</center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b> <br /><br />Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veteran cap to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in<br />particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired,<br />trips to "Wally World" to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic<br />relief.<br /><br />Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent<br />the establishment.<br /><br />But, I digress, . . enough of my psychological fixations.<br /><br />While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early<br />thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"<br /><br />"No," I replied.<br /><br />"Then why are you wearing that cap?"<br /><br />"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812 . . ."<br /><br />I thought it was a snappy retort.<br /><br />"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"<br /><br />God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity . . "1946", I answered,<br />as straight-faced as possible.<br /><br />He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of<br />1812 if it was in 1946?"<br /><br />"It was a Black Op Mission. No one is supposed to know about it."<br /><br />This was beginning to become fun!<br /><br />"Dude! Really?" He exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"<br /><br />I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice<br />said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."<br /><br />"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously<br />awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"<br /><br />"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."<br /><br />The moron nodded knowingly.<br /><br />"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this.<br />It's still classified 'Top Secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."<br /><br />"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look . . "Like, what's gonna’ happen<br />if I do?"<br /><br />With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want<br />anything to happen to them, would we?"<br /><br />The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. The lady<br />behind me started laughing so hard I thought she was about to have a heart attack.<br />I just grinned at her.<br /><br />After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw dimwit leaning in a car<br />window talking to a young woman.<br /><br />Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction.<br /><br />Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned<br />kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.<br /><br />And these people VOTE!<br /><br />What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back, wearing my Homeland Security cap.<br /><br />Then the next day I will go to the driver's license bureau wearing my Border Patrol<br />hat, and see how long it takes to empty the place.<br /><br />Whoever said retirement is boring? You just need to wear the right kind of cap!<br /><br />See you guys at Walmart<br /><br /><br /> </b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-3739262084369589242018-06-13T07:23:00.000-04:002018-06-13T07:23:05.043-04:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> AND THEN IT IS WINTER</center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b> <br /> I am not really ready for winter but it sneaks up on us all so fast, ready or not here it comes.<br /> <br /> AND THEN IT IS WINTER<br /> <br /> You know. . . Time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years.<br /> <br /> It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life.. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams. But, here it is... The winter of my life and it catches me by surprise...How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go?<br /> <br /> I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like. But, here it is...my friends are retired and getting grey - or gone...they move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me...but, I see the great change....Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be.<br /> <br /> Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore... it's mandatory! 'Cause if I don't on my own free will...I just fall asleep where I sit!<br /> <br /> And so...now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!<br /> <br /> But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last...this I know - that when it's over on this earth...it's NOT over A new adventure will begin!<br /> <br /> Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done...things - I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.<br /> <br /> So, if you're not in your winter yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!<br /> <br /> Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!<br /> <br /> "Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.<br /> <br /> LIVE IT WELL! ENJOY TODAY! DO SOMETHING FUN! BE HAPPY! HAVE A GREAT DAY!<br /> <br /> REMEMBER:..... "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.<br /> <br /> "LIVE HAPPY IN THIS YEAR AND EVERY YEAR! LASTLY, CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING: TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE SO - ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.<br /> <br /> ~Your kids are becoming you......<br /> ~Going out is good... Coming home is better!<br /> ~You forget names.... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!<br /> ~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.<br /> ~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.<br /> ~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called " pre -sleep".<br /> ~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.<br /> ~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?".. "what?" ???<br /> ~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.<br /> ~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!<br /> ~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.<br /> ~Everybody whispers.<br /> ~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear.<br /> ~But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!<br /> <br /> Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!"<br /> <br /> Send this on to other "Old Friends!" and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!!<br /> <br /> It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.<br /><br /><br /> </b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-31229731665906536432018-06-01T08:53:00.000-04:002018-06-01T08:53:23.817-04:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> Good Clean Laugh Lines</center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b> <br />Carry-On<br /><br />Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag.<br /><br />The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle.<br /><br />Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."<br /><br />Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle. </b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-68164067630668367242018-05-26T14:45:00.000-04:002018-05-26T14:45:20.346-04:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> Never Fear</center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b> <br />Never fear your journey ahead, for as God has watched over you all your life and,<br />in spite of your fears, has brought you through all the trials and sorrows of your life,<br />so he will take you through the darkest vale, into the light.<br /> <br />This is from a book called<br />The Quiet Mind by White Eagle <br />A friend e-mailed it to me.<br /></b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-15354264804502089762018-05-23T12:24:00.000-04:002018-05-23T12:24:15.363-04:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> IRISH MIRACLE </center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b> <br />At last, confirmation of Murphy's Law with a wonderful Irish explanation......<br /> <br />Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.<br />He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-side-down.<br /><br />So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.<br />He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.<br />He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.<br /><br />"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."<br /><br />"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy<br /><br />"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle. Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc."<br /><br />A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.<br /><br />Then, after eight long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.<br /><br />"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out...<br /><br />Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared a 'No Miracle', because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"<br /> </b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-37810346294004268422018-05-18T16:39:00.000-04:002018-05-18T16:39:10.634-04:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> MONEY BAGS</center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b><br /> <br />Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!<br /> <br />Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years<br /> <br />Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.<br /> <br />If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.<br /> <br />Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.<br /> <br />Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.<br /> <br />The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the New Year.<br /> <br />Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.<br /> <br />Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.<br /> <br />The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.<br /> <br />Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.<br /> <br />The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.<br /> <br />Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.<br /> <br />The University of Alaska spans four time zones.<br /> <br />The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.<br /> <br />In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.<br /> <br />Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.<br /> <br />Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.<br /> <br />A comet's tail always points away from the sun.<br /> <br />The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.<br /> <br />Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other pain killers, that is why it is found in some medicines.<br /> <br />The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.<br /> <br />If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.<br /> <br />When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.<br /> <br />In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.<br /> <br />Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.<br /> <br />Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.<br /> <br />The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth Each year.<br /> <br />The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.<br /> <br />Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.<br /> <br />Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.<br /> <br />Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.<br /> <br />Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.<br /> <br />For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.<br /> <br />The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.<br /> <br />And last but not least: This is called 'Money Bags.' So send this on to at least 5 friends and money will arrive in 5 days.<br /> <br />Based on Chinese Feng Shui, the one who does not pass this on will have money troubles for the rest of the year. Superstitious or not, I passed this along because it is interesting information.<br /> <br />Not taking any chances------------------<br /> <br /><br />Remember: Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box, the jury box, and the ammunition box!<br /> <br /> <br /> </b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-42443164878390023622018-05-16T08:46:00.000-04:002018-05-16T08:47:13.186-04:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:</center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b> <br /><center>His dizzy aunt<br />Verti Gogh<br />The brother who ate prunes<br />Gotta Gogh<br />The brother who worked at a convenience store<br />Stop N Gogh<br />The grandfather from Yugoslavia<br />U Gogh<br />His magician uncle<br />Where-diddy Gogh<br />His Mexican cousin<br />A Mee Gogh<br />The Mexican cousin's American half-brother<br />Gring Gogh<br />The nephew who drove a stage coach<br />Wells-far Gogh<br />The constipated uncle<br />Can't Gogh<br />The ballroom dancing aunt<br />Tang Gogh<br />The bird lover uncle<br />Flamin Gogh<br />The fruit-loving cousin<br />Man Gogh<br />An aunt who taught positive thinking<br />Way-to-Gogh<br />The little bouncy nephew<br />Poe Gogh<br />A sister who loved disco<br />Go Gogh<br />And his niece who travels the country in an RV<br />Winnie Bay Gogh<br />I saw you smiling . . . There ya Gogh! </b></font></center>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-83791895888097204982018-05-02T10:40:00.000-04:002018-05-02T10:40:24.577-04:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> Greeting</center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b> A pastor saw Robert Schuller's TV program "Hour of Power." One of the things that impressed him the most during the program was watching everyone turn around to shake hands with and greet other worshipers seated near them. The pastor felt that his church was a bit stuffy and could use a bit of friendliness.<br /><br />So, at Sunday morning worship he announced that next week they would initiate this custom of greeting one another.<br /><br />At the close of this same worship service one man turned around to the lady behind him and said a cheerful, "Good morning!" She looked back at him with shock at his boldness and said, "I beg your pardon! That friendliness business doesn't start until next Sunday!<br /> From Good Clean Funny Lines</b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-46500631183166545192018-03-25T15:13:00.001-04:002018-03-25T15:13:49.868-04:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> Costume party consequences </center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b><br /><br />A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. Being a devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.<br /><br />The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.Since her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him<br /><br />She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went and had a quickie<br /><br />Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.<br /><br />She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'<br />'Did you dance much ?'<br /><br />'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. <br /><br />But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to....' <br /><br />Received from some friends in Canada, hope you got a chuckle from it like I did. </b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-64199516068299913042018-03-11T15:49:00.000-04:002018-03-11T15:50:46.916-04:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> Why Go To Church? </center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b><br />I think this is fantastic, I just love the guy's answer, and the interpretation for BIBLE. Enjoy and pass on.<br /><br />If you're spiritually alive, you're going to love this!<br />If you're spiritually dead, you won't want to read it.<br />If you're spiritually curious, there is still hope!<br />A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday.<br />He wrote: "I've gone for 30 years now, and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons, but for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time, the preachers and priests are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all".<br />This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column.<br />Much to the delight of the editor, it went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:<br />"I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals.<br />But I do know this: They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today.<br />Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!"<br />When you are DOWN to nothing, God is UP to something!<br />Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible & receives the impossible!<br />Thank God for our physical and our spiritual nourishment!<br /><br />IF YOU CANNOT SEE GOD IN ALL, YOU CANNOT SEE GOD AT ALL !<br /><br />B. I. B L. E. simply means: Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth!<br />When you are about to forward this to others, the devil will discourage you.<br />So go on! Forward this to people who are DEAR to you and TRUST GOD.<br /></b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-49938890409151283482018-03-08T12:02:00.000-05:002018-03-08T12:05:29.671-05:00<center><span style="color: brown; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: large;"><b> NEED HELP? </b></span></center><span style="color: brown; font-family: Times; font-size: large;"><b><br />As I was just coming home and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life, my family’s lives, my friends’ lives, and what's happening in Washington, Moscow, North Korea, the Middle East, Hillary Clinton's scandals.. Donald Trump, Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, the downgrading of our military, the terrorists infiltrating our border, the illegals, the refugees, and how our country is rapidly losing its sanity and its Christianity...then I saw a yard sign that said:<br /><br /><center>NEED HELP?<br />CALL JESUS<br />800-555-3787<br /><br />Out of curiosity and desperation, I called the number.<br /><br />A Mexican with a leaf blower showed up. </center></b></span> Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-7520496420901637742018-03-07T14:23:00.000-05:002018-03-07T14:23:35.271-05:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> Good Clean Funny Lines </center><br /></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b> A Blonde's Year in Review<br /><br />January<br />Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.<br /><br />February<br />Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!<br /><br />March<br />Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... Box said ' 2-4 years!'<br /><br />April<br />Trapped on escalator for hours ... Power went out!!!<br /><br />May<br />Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!<br /><br />June<br />Tried to go water skiing....... Couldn't find a lake with a slope.<br /><br />July<br />Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!<br /><br />August<br />Got locked out of my car in rain storm...... Car swamped because soft-top was open.<br /><br />September<br />The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???<br /><br />October<br />Hate M & M's..... They are so hard to peel.<br /><br />November<br />Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .... Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!<br /><br />December<br />Couldn't call 911. 'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!<br /> </b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-30920043776059543812018-01-30T13:04:00.001-05:002018-01-30T13:04:13.778-05:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> Good Clean Funny Lines </center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b><br />Funeral Procession<br /><br />My friend, her sister and I were driving in the procession to the cemetery for the funeral of a distant relative.<br /><br />"Since we don't really know anybody, do you want to head on home?" the driver asked.<br /><br />When the sister nodded, he made a right turn.<br /><br />We had gotten about a quarter of a mile down the road when the driver happened to look in the rear-view mirror. The rest of the procession was still following us!<br /> <br /></b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-45519590493117243802018-01-13T19:40:00.001-05:002018-01-13T19:40:04.372-05:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> God's Plan for Aging </center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b> <br /> Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.<br /><br /> Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.<br /><br /> Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.<br /><br /> So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.<br /><br /> Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:<br /><br /> #9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.<br /><br /> #8 Life is sexually transmitted.<br /><br /> #7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.<br /><br /><br /> #6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.<br /><br /> #5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years unless you give them your email address.<br /><br /> #4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.<br /><br /> #3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.<br /><br /> #2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.<br /><br /> #1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow. <br /><br /> Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom. <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /><br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> </b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-55571040667401701682018-01-12T15:14:00.000-05:002018-01-12T15:14:12.535-05:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b>Dillerisms </center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b> Quotes from Phyllis Diller.<br /><br />Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.<br /><br />Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?<br /><br />Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.<br /><br />The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.<br /><br />Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.<br /><br />I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.<br /><br />Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.<br /><br />We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.<br /><br />Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.<br /><br />What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.<br /><br />My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.<br /><br />The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.<br /><br />You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.<br /> </b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-38711881503977132242018-01-01T20:05:00.000-05:002018-01-01T20:05:35.267-05:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> Happy New Year 2018 </center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b> <br />May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastroenterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber and the IRS.<br /><br />May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.<br /><br />May New Year's Eve find you seated around the table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends. May you find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.<br /><br />May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.<br /><br />May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may the commercials on TV not be louder than the program you have been watching, and may your check book and your budget balance - and include generous amounts for charity.<br /><br />May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent, your siblings; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.<br /><br />And may we live in a world at peace and with the awareness of God's love in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile, every lover's kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.<br /><br />Above all, may you continue to smile, may your life be filled with laughter, and may you never forget the words found in the Book of Proverbs, "A gloomy spirit rots the bones; but a merry heart is like good medicine."<br /><br />Wishing your a very Happy, Healthy and Prosperous 2018!<br /><br />-- </b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-42225428588028067912017-12-31T19:37:00.001-05:002017-12-31T19:37:42.288-05:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> Happy New Year </center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b>Have a great one. Don't drink and drive. </b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15258537.post-19601091256713704232017-12-26T16:32:00.001-05:002017-12-26T16:32:09.481-05:00<center><font face="Tahoma"color="Brown"size="5"><b> Merry Christmas</center></font></b><font face="Times" size="4" color="Brown"><b> Hope everyone had a great and wonderful day with family and friends. Will be New Years Eve before we know it. </b></font>Pattyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16106461789118388241noreply@blogger.com1