I'm Raymond Mar. My life is filled with new successes and new experiences. I recently experience a step backwards losing who I am. I'm happy the step backwards was short. I grew up again. I found new strength, new wisdom, and the old Raymond Mar from 2009-2012. The biggest success since 2011 is I found a new job. My new life is coming soon. The curses disappeared. There is new hope and new faith. Never take anything and anyone for granted.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Sat Sep 27 and Sun Sep 28 I attended Yaoi Con in San Mateo, CA. It was my second time attending Yaoi Con. The first minutes I walked inside the hotel lobby, I experienced con burnout, and I had not picked up my registration and badge yet =| Objectively speaking, the con was good. There was a good amount of cosplayers, I hung out with some of my friends, and I met new people. The bishi auction was little interesting; however, the women and gay men enjoyed the auction. Some of the skits were really good the individual(s) devoted hours to practice and to rehearse. I purchased dojinshi for the first time.

The downside was personal. I brought three cosplays and I never got into character when the photo opportunity happened. Very sad ;__; I messed up a few opportunities. I could have messed up more if it was not for my friends stepping up and telling me what to do. Also, I was not aggressive taking cosplay pics. I don't know the total cosplay pics I took currently. My gut feeling tells me it's fewer than the total at 2006 Yaoi Con. And I felt out of place because almost all of the attendees were younger than me. I could not relate to them or open myself up compared to past cons. I can't put the feeling in words. My con charisma and con enthusiasm were nonexistent =(

Here are some questions relating to Yaoi Con and anime conventions. For the record, I attended 32 anime conventions since 1997.

What is con burnout? Con burnout is an anime fan who lost the fun factor at anime cons The anime fan done everything at cons including shopping at dealer's room, watching videos, attending panels, playing tabletop or video games, cosplaying, watching concerts, watching anime music videos, and watching the masquerade. There is nothing more the con burnout anime fan can do. The anime fan has the feeling the anime cons is just the same year after year after year.

You experienced con burnout, yet 2008 Yaoi Con is your second time at Yaoi Con. What happened? The first minutes I walked in the hotel lobby I knew 2008 Yaoi Con is going to be the same like 2006 Yaoi Con. There was nothing new for me. There were cosplay gatherings which was awkward at a small con. The Bleach cosplay gathering was good. The CLAMP cosplay gathering I heard never happened because of miscommunication.

Furthermore, I checked in the hotel room like past cons, got my registration and badge at registration like past cons, and unloaded my cosplays in my hotel room like past cons. There was no new feeling for me to make me happy at 2008 Yaoi Con.

Could your identity crisis be a factor? My identity crisis was not a factor.

What were the positives at Yaoi Con? I met new people, hung out with some of my friends, caught up with a few friends I have not seen in a long time, and purchased dojinshi for the first time. Yeeeeeeeah!!! Roooooah!!! Waoooooooh!!!!

Do you have any interest in yaoi? I don't have any interest in yaoi.

Why did you attend Yaoi Con? I attended 2008 Yaoi Con because I wanted to attend a con with mature anime fans and to hang out with my friends and to meet new people. Being with friends is good. Not into Yaoi is bad; unfortunately, a waste of time for me :[ Nobody's fault personally.

Side Note: Yaoi Con is an age 18 and over anime con strictly enforced.

Are you going to attend Yaoi Con in the future? No more Yaoi Con. Without my friends, I cancelled my hotel reservation Saturday afternoon or stayed inside the room and watch cable the rest of the evening.

Are you attending any cons in 2009? Fanime Con. And participate in the Cherry Blossom Parade in San Francisco cosplay event. Sac Anime Winter 2009 is a maybe depending on the guest of honor. For me, the less anime conventions I attend the better.

Recently, you have been able to initiate small talk with people and strangers successfully. Unfortunately, you could not do it at Yaoi Con. What were the reasons you could not? Good question. I don't know. I repeat what I said earlier. Age factor me being older and my con charisma and con enthusiasm were nonexistent. It could be the weather as I was sweating many times, hunger (I ate lunch late and dinner was a salad), and lack of activities not related to yaoi.

Another possibility is I'm an old school anime fan. Today's younger anime fans find anime DVDs easily in many retail stores such as Best Buy and manga in many book stores such as Borders. My generation of anime fans we watched anime in VHS and shopped at comic book stores and there was no manga translated in English. The generation gap is most likely the reason I have trouble relating to today's younger anime fans. I talk differently, my attitude is more mature, and the connection when I communicate with the younger anime fans is like I speak a foreign language to them. The younger anime fans have more free time for anime while I have little free time for anime.

When I talk to the younger anime fans, they initiate the conversation with me, and when the subject of age is talked, the younger anime fans think I'm in my mid-20s whether I wear my cosplay or not.

Friday, September 26, 2008

My greatest fear is being alone--living a life with no friends. Life alone is I go to work and I go home. I stay at home on weekends. The activities outside home are family related and doing errands. Really boring ;__; Life is boring being alone. Coworkers and classmates are excluded from a lonely life. I’m talking about friends you spent your free time with.

I didn’t have any friends outside school from pre-school to 7th grade. I wonder why my parents failed to encourage me to make friends? Oh, well. I was invited to a few birthday parties. One of my classmates invited me to his birthday party two years in a row, and the second year he went to a different school. I received the invitation by mail (the old fashion way of communication, LOL). The birthday party I went twice most of the time I was alone. I rarely talked to the kids. WTH?!? I feared participating in the piñata game. I wondered why I was invited. I was a weird kid. I had no control over my actions. I acted weird. My behavior was retarded. I was not a smart student.

I remember one lunch recess in 1st grade. The year was 1981. My classmates and I played Star Wars. I never saw the movie. I bull shitted my way through the game. I don’t remember if my classmates called me a liar or faker. I say yes they did. I was also a tattletale. I tell the yard supervisor when I see trouble. For instance, three of my classmates sunk out of the school grounds to the nearby park. I told the yard supervisor. She was pissed at my classmates. She and another teacher went to the park to find them. I made three enemies the next school day. I was awarded with a whistle on a yellow string from the yard supervisor on the last school assembly of the year thanking me for helping them out. WTF?!? Today if I’m a tattletale, I get beat up and I get in trouble by the school given today’s politically correct way of education. Throughout my 1st grade year I had no friends I considered “friends.” My classmates when I was in kindergarten either stayed in kindergarten for one more year or went to another school. One classmate and I went to 1st grade in my kindergarten class.

Anyways, my childhood I played with my brother, my brother’s friends, and cousins. Perhaps, my parents failed to encourage me making friends because I have a brother to play with. Interesting thought. Our closest cousin influenced my brother and I what we do outside school. He introduced us to GI JOE, Transformers, Legos, and baseball cards. My brother and I never got into Star Wars when we were kids. Pathetic :(

In 6th grade and 7th grade, many mornings and many lunch times I hung out by myself. In the mornings, I waited at the front of the school next to the bench watching the buses, parents dropping off their children, and teachers coming to work. In the lunch time, I sat down next to the boy’s locker room entrance and did homework or watched the other kids play sports and talk to each other after I ate lunch in the lunch benches. (Students must eat lunches in the bench areas next to the cafeteria.) I befriended the handicapped students in 7th grade. The bright spot took place at the last months in 7th grade where I played basketball with five friends who were like me—we were one of the least popular students. We played 3 on 3 basketball.

8th grade was a turnaround. I met and hung out with friends in 8th grade. I had my first girlfriend in 8th grade. I attended the school dances and got along with many students and they got along with me. I wasn’t the most popular. I considered myself someone easily recognizable.

Today, I have lots of friends. I have the ability and confidence to meet new people and make more friends. There is no such thing as having not enough friends. Friends come and go. For me, I like to have friends stay in my life for a long, long time. I have friends outside Northern California. I have a few out of state. One of my friends we have been friends since Summer 1997. He’s a great guy we have many similar interests and hobbies. He’s dependable and trustworthy. We discuss anything and we are honest. I like friends who are not bull shit.

I rather have lots of friends and stay single instead of being with one person I’m in love with and married. Friendships can last a long time. I see long-term friendships with about 98% of my friends. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t have any friends who don’t respect me. If I have anyone, which is highly possible, who doesn’t respect me, I like to know because I listen to all opinions who they think of me.

There is nothing wrong being alone sometimes. I like to do errands alone most of the time. Sometimes I want alone time at home such as watching a movie, watching anime, playing video games, or just taking a break from outside life. Also, I like to work alone most of the time. I get more repots and assignments completed when I’m alone.

Side Note: I had some good moments in 1st grade. I got along well with my classmates in my reading lab. I think back now and everyone in reading lab was like me: dumb and

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

On Tuesday September 2, 2008, I began my identity crisis. Who am I? What do I want? How am I going to achieve it? Where am I going? Why am I experiencing the identity crisis? When am I going to find my true identity? These and more questions I solve eventually. If you never experience an identity crisis, you are likely going to. The answers come after months, if not, most likely years of pain, frustrations, mistakes, and trial and error. The journey or the process of beating the identity crisis is more important than finding the answers for the new me, the innovated me :]

Fortunately, the significant portion of my identity crisis is solved. The last week of August I thought about drinking alcohol for the first time in my life. Coincidentally, I read a book “I Wish They Serve Beer In Hell” by Tucker Max. I finished reading the book on Monday September 15. The book is on my all-time favorite list of books. I highly recommend for any lifestyle. I choose to remain 100% non-alcoholic after reading the book. My life and my personality are not going to bars, drinking beer while watching football games, social drinking, sleeping with many women, and one or two drinks a day. I asked people who drink or had drink, “Am I missing anything not drinking?” All of the answers are, “No. [I’m] missing nothing being a non-alcoholic.”

Today I begin self-interviewing. I ask questions about myself and give honest answers. The blog “Finding Raymond Mar” is a blog I get personal. No lies, no sugar-coating, and no bullshit. It’s me now and hopefully an innovated me later. Anything goes >__> I want to share my experiences because the chances are high, you, the reader, is going to experience an identity crisis someday. Those who are experiencing an identity crisis may use my process to aid in finding the new, the innovate you. In addition, I’m going to post short blog entries sharing positives for the day, two days, three days, or any certain period of time to build confidence, to build momentum, and show action I’m battling my identity crisis day by day by day. I begin the self-interviewing with three simple and strong questions. Good luck, everyone ^__^

*Am I happy? And why. I’m unhappy. My job is a dead-end position and I have too much free time at work. My department got a new manager who started June 9. The first six weeks the new manager started, I averaged two hours of quality work a day. I had free time I got tired surfing the web and watching videos on YouTube. I moved to a new building to be closer to my manager who works in another department. I still have days I had free time. There is no opportunity for new responsibilities and promotions. I’m a contract worker =\ If my contract is terminated, then it’s a blessing in disguise because I can go back to school. I have enough money in my savings to pay my tuition.

My home is boring. My mom likes to cook big portions so we don’t have to cook everyday. Also, she prohibits cooking stir fry on the stove because she wants to keep the stove top clean. We broil, bake, and steam our meals only. I hate leftovers. The house also has too much junk. Every room has junk my parents don’t use. My mom has the most junk in the house and some in the garage. Even my Dad has a good share of junk. For me, if I don’t use it, I sell it or I donate it. I have been thinking about moving out more times since September than in, say, the last three years. Every weekday and most weekends are routine mostly.

I want more friends especially closer to my age. Maybe it’s bad luck I can’t find more friends closer to my age with similar hobbies including anime, board games, classic rock, working out in the gym, and going places. However, anybody can be a friend as long they are not weird. Almost all of my friends are in their 20s and some are in college. Where are my people in my 30s? Married and devoted to family? The better question is where are my single people in my 30s? I believe a person can have too many friends. Regardless, I treasure and recognize all my friends. As far as I’m concern, nobody hates me =)

I’m lost in life. I’m 34 years old with a wisdom of a 24 years old—perhaps 18 years old arguably *__* I don’t know what to do. I have no clue =| I’m all ears for suggestions and ideas.

*What is courage to me? I have no definition :( I never was in a situation or event where I needed courage. I never used courage. There were critical events and moments either my parents or someone else took over and succeeded. I was a non-factor, a spectator. I never faced death. I never cheated death. I never stood up for someone. I never helped anyone randomly such as helping change a tire and helping an injured person. And I never participated in extra curricular activities in high school and college. I was afraid of meeting new people while in college. It’s really sad. It’s pathetic. And I’m afraid to appeal to the noble motives in my family. WTF!!! I’m a wimp. I’m a coward T__T

*What are my desires? One of my attitudes and my personality is being a jack-of-all-trades person who knows and who experiences a little of everything. My desire is to know and to experience a little of everything which can be good.

On the other hand, it can be bad to know a little. The better question is, “What is your number one true desire?” Examples can be own a business, a hobby, getting a college degree, the one desire a person devotes hours a day to the desire; for example, Beethoven practiced piano eight hours a day. Desires changes of course such as a person earning a degree and now desires to find the dream job. My answer is I have no number one true desire. My number one desire is anime; however, anime is not my TRUE desire. Most of my anime knowledge and current events are from my friends who have a bigger desire than me. They devote more time and more of their incomes to anime than me. And some of my friends who are anime fans anime is their number one true desire including drawing anime, watching anime, and playing video games related to anime. My collection of anime is small. There are devoted anime fans with an anime collection 10 or 20 times the size of my collection. We are talking more than DVDs and comic books (i.e. manga for us anime fans). We are talking about figurines, posters, wall scrolls, pins, pencil boards, models, whatever anything with an anime character on it.

I tried to make the following my number one true desire: stock investing, airsoft, starting a small business, PC video games, sewing and costumes, being a high school math teacher, consistent workout plan, real estate investing, learning Illustrator, learning XML, learning JavaScript, making webpages, and poker. All either failed or I knew enough just to get by. I had no desire in my past jobs, and I have no desire in my current job.

As of the blog entry, I have no number one true desire. Even if I have a number one true desire now, given my past experiences above, I doubt I devote enough time and effort to keep my number one true desire a number one true desire. I’m living life one day at a time.

Side Note: I continue posting at “Innovating Common Knowledge,” the blog where I innovate common knowledge and daily life. I did post some personal events for better and for worse =) And I write a blog on my definition of a weird person posted at Innovating Common Knowledge.

Side Note 2: I don’t plan to share the solutions or the actions to beat my identity crisis in the short-term. The plan currently is share my feelings inside me . . . bring everything out in the open.

About Me

Get up and do something, anything is my life motto. The irony is true: live a good life, live a happy life, one must work intelligently to achieve them. Earn them. I don't take life for granted. Be active. Be open. I always seek new experiences and adventures. Boredom kills life's motivation. Meet new people. Create new circle of friends. Exercise your body. Exercise your mind. Strong bodies, strong minds. Spend wisely. Rest is important. Feel a good person. Be a good person.