Bit of a dilemma

As it happens, a guy my wife used to date about 20 years ago owns a sound company. We have ran into the guy at a club we play at a couple times. He's always real nice ( and drunk lol) and the last time we played there he had his lights set up already for a show with another band the next night, so he offered to run lights for us that night for free. Like I said, he's a nice enough guy. I still don't like him. Pretty sure it's because he used to date my wife, but either way I don't particularly care for the guy.

Now, his best friend owns a local radio station, has a studio and is a complete douchebag. His daughter has cancer and although I am 100% positive he would not be so benevolent if his own daughter didn't have cancer, he puts on these benefits for kids with cancer. Well they are having this big benefit in a couple months with about 20 bands. They will have a huge system set up ( Twelve 18" subs, 20k watts, all PRX stuff) and all the bands just bring their guitar/bass amps. Well, I get a call from this guy today and he wants my band to play. There is no pay involved, it's a charity. Now I am a charitable guy and I have no problem playing these sort of gigs normally, but the fact that I dislike the one guy and absolutely hate the other guy has colored my opinion I think.

So, as you see, my dilemma is a moral one. Do I play the gig, (because regardless of the reasons why he is doing it, the fact is that what this guy is doing is benefiting sick children) or do I politely decline?

I would do it. Personally, I'd feel good about sending out some good karma and if the benefit truly helps sick children, then it's worth it regardless who's involved. Do you have to have a lot of personal contact with these guys? Maybe you can just go in, rock it then leave?

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If you think you'll enjoy it, or if it's going to be what is best for the band, by all means play it. Otherwise, if you aren't getting anything positive out of it, don't bother. Even if it is a benefit show, there are other ways to contribute positively.

While I am sure I could deal with the situation without making a big deal out of anything, regardless of how much personal contact I have with these 2 guys, I see little or no benefit to my band. We won't get paid, we won't get free food or alcohol and I seriously doubt it will do much for us as far as publicity is concerned. It would be a no brainer if I weren't torn about the fact that it is to benefit sick children.

The sound/light company and the bands are all donating their services. It is a $5 at the door event, all of the proceeds to go to this guys foundation, which is called "Concerts for Kids Cancer". How exactly they disperse the funds and to whom, I do not know.

Any charity event could be legit or corrupt, how do you know? You don't, really.

Unless I know otherwise, that's not on me, that's on them. I have to live with me and they have to live with themselves. I'd base my choices on the facts at hand.

As for the people putting it on: your wife picked you, the light guy is just some runner up, who cares about that. Even if he wants her, let him. If your treating your relationship right, it won't ever matter. The DB guy, he acts that way because he's insecure, sad for him.

I would do the gig for all the right reasons and forget the rest, unless the rest of the band can't or doesn't want to. Sounds like it will be fun and for a good cause.

Well, I am going to pass on the gig and donate some other way. Not so much because of the guy that used to date my wife. He really hasn't done anything wrong and I don't feel threatened in any way. The other guy though is a different story. No way I can really trust that guy. I am not going to get all into the guy's history or anything, but the guy is really a very selfish jerk and years before he ever even had a daughter, he was known to have done some pretty creepy ****. He also has a pile of illegitimate kids that he doesn't acknowledge, much less help support.

My father has a trach and is a throat cancer survivor. We built a house across the street for my father in law so he could be close to us when he dies, which will be very soon as he is riddled with cancer and now needs 24/7 supervision. My wife has been in remission from non-hodgkins lymphoma for 8 years now. So I have every reason to want to donate to help fight cancer and I feel pretty strongly about helping kids with it so I will find another way.

It helps to hear other people's opinions about this because I really am not a jerk and didn't want to feel like I was being a jerk over some personal feelings BS.

Life is too short big guy. Don't let others pull your emotions and energy from you. It's just a no win for you and they simply don't care. We're all grown here. Let me give you an extreme example. My first marriage ended because my wife and drummer had an affair. Two years after that, I ran into the guy. Rather than flipping out, he asked me politely for a few minutes of my time. Although he wasn't trying to excuse himself, he kind of explained what had happened (pretty much my ex had played us both). Anyway, we buried the hatchet and moved on. Mind you, we don't throw BBQs together or anything, but we don't avoid each other either. Fast forward 8 years. One of my best friends in the world was in a pinch. He had lined up some musicians for a show, but they bailed last minute. He called me to fill in on bass. The day before the show, he called again to say that the ONLY drummer he could come up with was...... you guessed it..... the same guy. I thought about it for about 10 minutes and then called my buddy back and agreed to do the show. It didn't hurt me. It went fine.

The short version is, if I can do a whole show on stage with the man who slept with my wife, you can jam out for a short set in the same building with two guys you don't like very much.

Go play and have some fun. Again, life is too short. If all of you guys work in the same area, you are going to bump into each other professionally from time to time. It would be utterly ridiculous for you to try to avoid ever working with them if they run a PA company and a studio. Let it go. Go jam. You could be playing for hundreds of people. And even if there is a possibility of getting a few bucks to some sick kids..... you should just do it.

It sounds like you know quite a bit about the guy throwing it and you may even have some basis for believing that the money may be mishandled, due to his character and past actions.

If you don't want to do it, don't.

It's your life and you can give in many other ways to that cause or another, no one here thinks your a jerk, and who cares if they do?

I've played a shady benefit before, when I arrived some of the things I observed in regards to the handling of the money made me cringe. At that point it was too late, the crowd shouldn't be punished(or maybe they were when I played?) so I performed my best and said, "never again for this organizer".

His daughter has cancer and although I am 100% positive he would not be so benevolent if his own daughter didn't have cancer, he puts on these benefits for kids with cancer. Well they are having this big benefit...

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Are there donations involved? Does the guy have a non-profit corp. setup? So where does all the money go that gets raised at these "benefits"? That is, who benefits besides the kids.