(The following is a transcript of a press conference given just thirty minutes ago by the esteemed Dr. Recchi, known world wide as the “man who knows everything.” Or as they call him in Sweden, “Who the hell is that guy and why is he napping on my couch?” Dr. Recchi has graciously decided to update the world on Sidney Crosby’s health status.)

Dr. Recchi: Hello everyone, I want to thank you for joining me. I am here to update you on Sidney Crosby as well as answer any and all questions about Sidney Crosby. As you know, I studied doctoring on google for many years, as well as by watching Grey’s Anatomy, ER, and House, so my knowledge on the subject of diagnosing people is very extensive. I am actually currently taking a course on plastic surgery, as I picked up season 3 of Nip/Tuck at Brad Marchand’s garage sale recently. I am very excited about being able to offer my plastic surgery skills to the disgusting ladies of Vancouver. Honestly, you all look like garbage. I’m sorry, but it’s true. You wonder why Shane O’Brien drank so much? It was so he could stomach the thought of sleeping with you. The truth hurts as much as that pointy thing we doctors use to get blood out of people. OK, any questions before I begin?

Reporter #1: Jim Miller, ABC News. Mark, I’m not going to lie, this all seems a bit odd. You’re not a doctor, nor has anyone asked you your opinion on these matters, and in fact, there are reports that you now take naps in McDonald’s restaurants around Kamloops all day long. Is there a reason-

Dr. Recchi: OK, Security? Please escort Mr. Miller out of here. He is obviously suffering from dementia. You can tell because he is showing all the symptoms of it; He is saying crazy things and I want to punch him in the face. Next question?

Reporter #2: Cathy C, Ice Cream Weekly. Mr. Recchi-

Dr. Recchi: That’s actually ‘Dr. Recchi’. I didn’t watch TV shows for 10 years to be called ‘Mister’.

Reporter #2: Dr. Recchi then……you say you have an update on Sidney Crosby? Well, what exactly is your update?

Dr. Recchi: Ah, thank you, excellent question. Sidney Crosby…the man of the hour. Everyone wants to know, when will he play again?

Reporter #2: Thursday. It’s been reported Thursday.

Dr. Recchi: Yes, but “play” is such a vague word-

Reporter #2: Dr. Recchi, do you have any new information to add to the reports that Crosby is about to return? Is it safe for him to do so?

Dr. Recchi: OK, you’re a direct lady, I like that. You obviously suffer from wanting Dr. Recchi. Don’t worry, it happens. Look, I happen to have Sidney Crosby’s medical charts, so let me first show you guys those, then I will break down what exactly they mean. I know some of the medical lingo can be a bit confusing, so I will try and dumb it down for you guys, especially any of you who happen to be from Vancouver. Which is the worst city I have ever played in. Just the worst.

Stupid Hair-itis: This is a disease that whiny people like Sidney Crosby suffer from. It means you have a full set of hair, and you have to comb it and brush it in the morning. The symptoms of this include ladies finding it disgusting (They prefer the balding look, it is much more natural), and having to use shampoo every day (I prefer to use my own bottled sweat to wash my hair. Why trust a liquid that didn’t come from myself with my hair? It’s not natural.).

Noballsitis: This disease shows up in hockey players, usually those who play in Vancouver. It is often marked by biting fingers, hair pulling, and pretending to stick fingers in mouths. In Sidney’s case, it shows up in the fact that when he fights, he uses press on nails to gain an upper hand when he tries to rake your eyes.

Wheresyourcupnowbrostocity: This is a disease that happens when you’ve lost your Stanley Cup that you’ve won in the years before. It is usually marked by severe depression, a lot of sighing, and telling a ton of stories that start with “Hey, remember when we won the Cup?” Luckily, this is probably the only good news Vancouver will ever get, as they will never suffer from this disease.

Whiney-Facethropy: This disease is marked by screaming in a really annoying way when you score a big goal. It can often be accompanied by what can only be described as an on ice orgasm, as you shake your arms back and forth furiously, fling your gloves off, and run into the arms of Ryan Getzlaf. It HAS to be Ryan Getzlaf. Don’t ask me why. This is one of those medical mysteries. There is no cure for Whiney-Facethropy. The only thing you can do is punch that face as much as possible so that you do not contract the disease yourself.

Rollup-thewinlossicity: This is supposed to be Rollup-therimlossicity but a mistake was made on the chart, and these charts cost millions upon millions of dollars to print, so I didn’t re-print it. That being said, this disease is when you lose at Tim Horton’s Roll up the Rim to Win contest on a daily basis.

Now, as you can see, the one thing not on this list? Concussion. And why is that? Because Sidney Crosby never suffered from a concussion. I know this might seem an extreme opinion to those of you who saw Crosby miss so much hockey, but I am here to tell you, Crosby never had a concussion. He was simply suffering from being lazy. Need proof? Consider the following:

-Sidney Crosby appears on commercials every day. How can he do this if he is concussed??

-Sidney Crosby owns a cell phone. And as I have proven multiple times in the past, anytime you own a phone and use it in any way, it is irrefutable proof that you don’t have a concussion.

That’s it folks. Crosby is lazy. That’s all it was.

Reporter #3: Josh, Cat Fancy Weekly. Dr. Recchi, this seems like a slap in the face to Sidney Crosby. For a man to miss so much hockey in his career, simply because he is lazy? That seems like a very strong attack on his character.

Dr. Recchi: Look, Josh, I get that. I don’t expect you to understand it, because let’s face it, you’re dumb and you’re not me. But I am an expert. I can’t just make this stuff up. I know you people see me up here, giving you all this news, and you must be going “How the HELL does someone SO HANDSOME, so witty, and just so damn HANDSOME know so much about doctor stuff? How did he have the time to study being a doctor, what with being so handsome and all?” And the answer is simple. I am really really smart. As a result, I know everything there is to know about medical things. So when I tell you guys things, it isn’t because it makes me happy, I don’t do this for kicks. It is my DUTY as a doctor to tell you the truth, no matter how harsh.

Reporter #4: Damien Cox, Toronto Star. I just want to say what a bang up job you’re doing. The only thing better than your doctoring is perhaps my reporting.

Dr. Recchi: Right on brother. Next question?

Reporter #5: Bill Dackner, Hockey News Nightly. Dr. Recchi, should we be concerned about concussions in the NHL, or is this like killer bees and global warming, just some crazy fad created by special interest groups for their own purposes?

Dr. Recchi: Great question Bill. The only two concussions that I have ever seen that were accurate were Marc Savard’s and Nathan Horton’s. So I know concussions exist, I do. But I just think people use them as excuses to get out of things. It’s sad, really. How long until John Doe didn’t have time to get his work report done so he magically suffers from a concussion? The important thing to remember is if the person was not playing for the Boston Bruins at the time, it was NOT a concussion. It is that simple. I couldn’t make this up if I tried.

OK folks, it’s almost 10:30 am, and I haven’t had my third nap yet, so I am going to have to stop this conference now. I will gladly ask any and all medical questions you have at a later time. Please feel free to e-mail me at drmarkrecchi@gmail.com with any and all questions you have. And please, remember, Vancouver is a pit of despair, if you ever find yourself there, run. Run for your life. And that’s my medical opinion.

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