Hashtag Heroes

WASHINGTON (Disassociated Press)- Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan said he was “stunned” today by the announcement that Boko Haram leader Abubakar Shekau would surrender himself and all his followers to authorities after he realized he’d started a trending hashtag on Twitter that even First Lady Michelle Obama tweeted.

Shekau, a purveyor of workplace violence and kidnapper of little girls, was quoted as saying, “With progressives in Hollywood and Washington aligned against us, what choice did we have? Look, when Bradley Cooper and Michelle Obama tweet about you in a negative way it has an impact. Sure, you gain followers, but so many of them are negative. I can’t even look at my mentions column anymore. Twitter trolls are the worst. I missed an invite to a party and a picture of Miley Cyrus twerking because so many people were tweeting mean things to me. I’m done.”

Boko Haram, which translates to “western education is sinful,” was so named because “We are monsters who should have our heads ventilated by a .50 caliber bullet” was too long to fit on business cards and douchebags.net was unavailable. The group has yet to ask forgiveness for past transgressions, including the tens of thousands of people it has slaughtered, because, as Shekau told reporters, those people have not trended on Twitter.

“Forget the huge body count we’ve racked up,” Shekau said. “No one batted an eye when we shot and burned to death 59 boys in a boarding school back in February. Did that even make the nightly news? But the hashtag #BringBackOurGirls, how do you combat that? We’re radical Islamists wiling to die, but even we have feelings.”

The media credited Michelle Obama’s “pouty face” twitpic with being the straw that broke the camel’s back. A terrorist who asked to remain anonymous because he was recently followed by a Kardashian and doesn’t want to risk being unfollowed said, “She (Michelle) looks so sad in that picture, so you know the White House is serious. She doesn’t affix her initials to just any tweet, only ones she’s totally for serious about.”

The tweet was signed “- mo,” indicating the First Lady approved of it herself, according to White House staff.