How to Fake Being a Real Adult: Vegatation

As a proud owner of a meal plan for all 4 years of college I find it quite difficult to masticatethree meals a day without breaking the bank or getting pissed off. It’s not that I’m a terrible cook it’s just that:

^^ 5:01 every day.

The last thing I want to do when I get home is to spend 3 hours on Columbia Parkway scouring for a fresh kill, or worse, eat another Lean Cuisine for Men real. Hunting and gathering for myself has made me a scavenger for all things delicious. Finding alternate food sources is like an Easter egg hunt, kind of stupid as an adult unless your parents stuff them with dollar bills. That almost worked.

Consider this post your quick guide to cheap eats and assorted moochery. Together we can all be ‘that guy.’

Check out these eight ways you can get your grocery bill down to a buck-forty.

Leverage Work Place Snacking

^^ Why reach for the stars when you can reach for Cheez-Its?

At the office Green Bean Delivery drops off an abundance of fruity delicacies for the whole office to enjoy. Wow! I’ve stopped buying fruit all together. The deliveryman who delivers fruit is also the coolest, “There’s nothing like a good piece of whole fruit!” He tells me nearly every Monday. He’s right. Also consider storing a treasure trove of your office’s best snacks in the locked drawer of your cubicle. Make comments at the water cooler like, “Boy am I hungry!” or “Is there ANYTHING to eat around here?” to throw coworkers off your scent.

Use Social Psychology to Manipulate Your Friends

^^ Victims. All of them.

At dinner last weekend I accidentally pulled an inception. I told my tablemates that sometimes Jeff and I “forget” our lunches so that the other person has to visit their office… WITH FOOD. Yes that’s “adorable” shut up. Before I knew it I had 5 volunteers to bring me food throughout the week because they wanted to come to the office and hang out during their lunch break. I have people lined up Monday through Friday to feed me. I don’t even have to enter limbo or spin a top to figure out if I’m awake.

Purposely Invite Yourself to Meetings that Might Have Food.

^^ 10 bucks he’s pulling a hit and run.

Have a hunch that a certain meeting might be ordering Jimmy Johns or Quoba? Talk the project manager about jumping in three quarters of the way on the project or, better yet, just show up. No one will question you if you compliment the hard work of your coworkers.

Eat Vegetables So You Can Poop

^^ “I studied health promotion!”

The stunningly beautiful Katie Hunt suggest having a food prep day on the first day of each week. “It’s fun!” She says. “I chop up all my vegetables for the week and cook 6 cups of grains. I throw those ‘bad boys’ into my salad when I pack my lunches. Wow, I’m the best!” Exact quote. Before hanging up the phone Katie assured me that I should be eating vegetables so that I can poop. She’s always looking out.

Domesticate a Female

I recently moved in with of my buddies in East Walnut Hills an “up-and-coming” neighborhood.

…and SHE’S A GIRL

Carly likes to cook and clean… FOR FUN. The key is to breeze through the kitchen when she’s dishing up one of her creations and look distraught. Pointlessly ask yourself aloud, “Hmmm do I want frozen pizza or Easy Mac?” Carly will, without fail, look at me disgusted and whip me up a plate of her goodness. She will then clean up the whole affair because she finds it “relaxing.” I’ll never understand the female race.

Make Every Meal a ‘Murder Mystery’ Meal

^^ If you accept this tip please be cooler than these people.

Nothing gets you inspired to cook a 4 course meal like the thrill of someone dying. If you were brought up in a barn, a murder mystery dinner is a 5 hour live-action game of clue with all your friends. Now imagine murder mystery breakfast and lunch… and then think about all of the lace, lust, and LIES. Salivating. If you have 22 of your 24 hours in a day to dedicate to a melodramatic communion this tip may be for you. Now that the lovely and talented Cooper Goeke has exposed me to the art of the murder mystery dinner I don’t want to dine any other way.

Eat Fermented Fruit

^^ The fridge of someone who has their life together.

Save money on alcohol by forgetting about the fruit in the back of your fridge for a long time and then eating it.

Don’t Buy Mini Corn Dogs, They’re Not What You Remember.

^^ 98% Nostalgia 3% Dog

Nuff said.

Ask a Professional

My person trainer for one week still poor, ETHAN KOLA, gave me the best advice to ever escape human lips. “You need to stop running and you need to start eating pizza.” I have taken this advice VERY seriously and my life has never really been the same. He CHANGED my life. Big E was my first Cincinnati friend that I paid for. Because I’m the worst, I accepted his services fully knowing I will never be able actually to afford them when my free trial expired. So…