Saturday, May 2, 2015

Election Diary Summary: Week Two

April
6th: Easter Monday saw
Danny Alexander fire the first shot across the post-Coalition bows.

1.28pm

Danny Alexander is an interesting
figure in this election because he is doomed. He has nothing to live for. He is
a Scottish Lib Dem MP, and in the face of the SNP surge, the loss of his seat
is almost inevitable.

Many of us, in such a situation,
would take on a monastic silence, preparing ourselves for the abyss. Not Danny
Boy, for though the pipes, the pipes are calling, he is firing wildly into the
air.

However, whilst he could be doing
this in the manner of the Sundance Kid, he’s actually doing it in the manner of
a High School gossip.

Today, he has been talking about his
ex, who, like, totally said to him in Cabinet "you take care of the
workers, we'll take care of the bosses". However, Danny has many exes, as
does Nick (Vince is a confirmed bachelor): it was a very polyamorous
environment. Unfortunately, what happens in Westminster doesn’t stay in
Westminster, and Danny will not say which one of his floozies said this bit.

So, Sayid Javid, (one of Danny's
jilted toy-boy-Tories), is hitting back. He’s been saying that this claim is
rubbish, that the reason why Danny won’t say who said it is that no-one said it
at all, and also that Danny never comes to parties and is a selfish lover.

April
7th:Tony Blair makes his return to UK Politics,
talking about the risks of an EU referendum, and taking over the news
headlines.

10.35am

Backstage, Tony looks out from the
wings with a steely glare. The familiar glint lingers still, somewhere behind
his determined expression.

Just before he walks out, he mutters
“Let’s show them how it’s done”, and then it’s like an old entertainer,
returning to the stage and showing everyone he’s still got it. Imagine Bruce
Forsyth, if he’d committed any atrocities (apart from his hosting of the later
series of Strictly Come Dancing).

He gets a standing ovation and he
begins:

“I can't go on with the speech. I'm
too happy. Mr. Crick, do you mind if I say a few words? Thank you. I just want
to tell you all how happy I am to be back at the podium doing politics again.
You don't know how much I've missed all of you. And I promise you I'll never
desert you again because after this election we’ll have another election! And
another election! You see, this is my life. It always will be. There's nothing
else, just us and the cameras and those wonderful people out there in the dark.
Alright Mr. Crick, I'm ready for my close up.”

It was practically a champagne
socialist breakfast at Labour HQ. The latest polls are putting them a few
points ahead, the Non-Dom policy was dominating the front pages, and Nicola
Sturgeon was flirting with them in public. Everything was coming up Miliband.

Still, one researcher was running
around asking questions.

“How much money will we raise with
the Non-Doms policy?”

“Millions.”

“How many millions?”

“Many millions.”

“Exactly how many millions?”

“Difficult to say. But they’re rich
and we’re going to tax them, so we’ll make millions. Simple logic really.”

“Right. I think we do need to address
the concerns about the Non-Doms leaving.”

“It’ll be fine. The important thing
is that we are closing a loophole that is ridiculously unfair. Today is our
day. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing.”

10.28am

Something went wrong.

Some idiot in the Labour party
basically became George Osborne’s mouthpiece, saying: “I think if you abolish
the whole Non-Dom status then probably it ends up costing Britain money because
there will be some people who then leave the country."

April
9th: The Tories go
very negative, with Michael Fallon saying that Ed Miliband will backstab Britain over Trident.

8.30am

“We all know that Ed is dangerous,”
started Michael. “Remember what happened with his brother”.

Everyone shifted uncomfortably in
their seats at this moment. They did all remember what happened with Ed’s
brother. They’d had an argument about which of them was better, and they put it
to a vote, and Ed won, but only by getting the teachers to vote for him as
well. And the cleaners. And the cooks. And Martin, the class hamster.

But then, Ed’s brother was so upset
that he stopped coming into school and then, one day, Ed announced that his
brother was so upset that he’d gone to America to get away from the shame and
the hurt. Everyone missed Ed’s brother. Everyone.

April
11th: A quiet day in
the election sees the result of the Boat Race cause a split in the Cabinet, as
it does every year.

3.45pm

Intriguing news from the world of
nominative determinism. It appears that your voting intention may be largely
down to your name. To illustrate this, you are 31% more likely to vote for UKIP
if you are called Nigel.

Most tellingly of all, though, we
have discovered that the name most likely to produce a Lib Dem voter is Tim.
Which makes sense. It just is a Lib Dem name, perhaps best encapsulated by Tim
Henman: well-meaning and involving a lot of public faith, but ultimately a bit
useless when things get serious.

April
12th: George Osborne
fails to answer Andrew Marr’s many, many questions on where extra funding for
the NHS come from, as welfare cuts remain unspecified.

9.50am

It’s been a rough Sunday morning for
George Osborne. Gideon, for it is he, was on The Andrew Marr Show,
and was challenged about where the Conservative party was going to find its
promised £8bn for the NHS.

An exact transcript of his response
reads: “Ah, well, long-term economic plan, savings, responsible accounting,
leprechaun, pot of gold, end of the rainbow, second prize in a beauty contest –
collect £10, winner on the National yesterday.”

“You’re not answering the question,
Chancellor.”

“Look, do you want the truth Andrew?
Can you handle the truth?”

“Yes, I can George.”

“At 5pm on Friday, I received an
e-mail from a member of the Nigerian Royal Family.”