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In this first anime merchandise review (of a planned 100-part series), Dark_Sage takes a look at some popular products you may encounter at anime cons.

Drink Coasters:

Purpose: Protect your desk from your whiskey

Verdict: Waste of money

The ones I’ve bought (pictured above) have been awful. Since they’re made of spongy material, your drinks will bounce when you set them down… and having a white background does no good when your drink spills. You shouldn’t need to have a coaster for your coaster.

Don’t believe anime; there’s nothing cool about stains, even if you have a cape.

Headphones:

Purpose: Listen to music in -style-

Verdict: Waste of money

All officially branded headphones on the market have a build quality that could only complement anorexics.

I’ve got a pair of these and they are not what I’d describe as comfortable.

And generic “anime” headphones are, well…

I’m so sorry you had to see that. They retail for $170 each, by the way. Expect to see them an abundance of them on the heads of those knife magnets who like to blast caramelldansen on con escalators.

Pins/Buttons:

Purpose: Put as many of these onto a $10 messenger bag as you can to let people know that you probably didn’t take a shower today

Verdict: Excellent purchase

Much like honey bees and tigers have bright colors to keep others from attacking them, overloaded messenger bags provide even the most beer-goggled congoer with sufficient warning to stay away. The hambeasts and greasy products of incest who rock these may never know the service to humanity they provide, but the sheer amount of morning-after regret they’ve prevented cannot be overstated.

I guarantee this girl smells like straw.

God bless those heroes who sell these at cons, as well as those who buy them. For without their selflessness, I’d need to stay sober.