Gifts for Your Man: 10 Things You Should Never Get Him

Picking the perfect gift for the man in your life isn’t always easy. If you want to avoid buying something he’ll hate, avoid these 10 gifts.

We guys really appreciate all the things you ladies do for us. We really enjoy those nights out, the plush *expensive* restaurants, and the romantic nights in. We love the cologne, the watches, the designer shirts, and so on. Honestly–we really do. But sometimes, you’ve got this habit of trying a little too hard and attempting to project your own sensibilities upon us. And to be honest, we generally tend to appreciate things that are devoid of sentiment or elegance. Something a little bit more rock and roll and, to be perfectly truthful, a little more us.

Motivating the man

It’s not that we don’t do sentiment and elegance, it’s just that it doesn’t particularly motivate us. Not at a personal level. Those are the kind of things we like to focus on when we’re trying to impress YOU. They don’t really have much relevance for us, personally.

What do we like? Well, we like guns and gadgets, power and speed, convenience and practicality, fun and frolics, street cred and cool, mechanisms and machines. Of course, we appreciate that getting the right gift can be confusing; let’s face it, we’re far from flawless, ourselves, on that front.

Gifts you should never give your boyfriend

So, in order to lend a helping hand, and make sure that you don’t make a total hash of gift buying, the following list gives you a little heads up on which gifts you definitely should NOT buy us. Take note, ladies!

#1 Remote control. You’ve seen how much love he has for his TV remote at home, how possessive and attached he is to it? Well, it doesn’t stop there. Guys have a love affair with all things remote controlled. If you’re going to buy him some form of electronic gadget or other, you’d better make sure it comes complete with that little pad with the buttons on it.

I’m not even exaggerating. Even if you get him one of those remotes that covers half the functions but contains several glaring omissions, he’s not going to be impressed. You could buy him the world’s best standalone sound system, but if he has to get out of his chair to fiddle with the graphic equalizer, then I’ll give it three months maximum before it ends up on eBay!

#2 Glorious flora. You’re seriously considering buying him flowers? Well, there’s only one of two ways this is going to go. Either he’s going to think that you’re a lesbian and you’ve mistaken him for another woman, or he’s just going to give you a sardonic smile, walk out the door without so much as a goodbye, and ride off into the sunset to a land where women actually have a clue!

#3 Picture perfect. What gift could be more thoughtful and considerate than a photo album filled with your collective precious memories? Well, the male perspective answer to that question is quite simple: almost anything.

If he’s going to spend his time flicking through the pages of a book, it had better be filled with pictures of fast cars, outrageous freakishness, or naked women. Having to look at a picture of that time you made him stand in front of a 7-11 for three and a half days until the light was just right to make YOU look perfect isn’t his idea of fun.

#4 Tickets. Sometimes, tickets can be the best possible gift you could ever buy for a man, especially if those tickets are for a major sporting event. This could be to see his favorite team play at a regular event, or it could be at something a little more special. The Super Bowl, the World Series, the Soccer World Cup, the Olympics, the Ryder Cup–if you can manage one of these, then do expect an eternally grateful man-slave in return.

However, don’t expect the same level of gratitude if buying him tickets to a cultural event such as the opera or ballet. Or even worse, one of those strange new wave productions where people dress up as cacti and shout at each other in Armenian for three hours. In all honesty, the average man on the street would prefer to shave his nether regions with a rusty bread knife and take a dip in a salt bath than attend such an event. Definitely not a winning strategy!

#5 A case of projection. This pointer refers to the much male-loved cinema showing. All guys love a good movie, but therein lies the rub: what he considers a good movie is likely to be very different from what you do. There’s no point getting his hopes up by taking him to the biggest and best cinema in the locale, buying him the popcorn and soda, and leading him to the plushest seats available, only to have his expectations smashed beyond repair when the titles introduce the start of Bridget Jones or 50 Shades of Gray.

Keep it simple. Guns, explosions, and fast cars are the way to the average guy’s cinematic heart. Any attempts to convert him to your more sensitive taste in cinema will leave him cold. Make the sacrifice, or make plans to celebrate the next significant occasion alone.

#6 Fancy threads. He knows how he wants to dress, and it is most definitely not the same way that you want him to. Put the credit cards away, leave the shopping alone, and go spend your money on something more worthwhile, like… well, anything else.

#7 Strat your stuff. All guys fancy themselves rock stars, even if they have all the musical ability of a constipated fruit bat. So, getting him a fancy electric guitar with an amplifier and a few songbooks is a winning strategy, and one that might even pay off if he ever gets good enough to croon you a ballad or two. However, if your aim is to make him want to run for the hills, then look no further than a flute, cello, or triangle. Some musical instruments just weren’t meant for men.

#8 Console us. Don’t get your hopes up, ladies. We’re not talking about some kind of touchy-feely sharing exercise but are, of course, referring to the games console. Keeping overgrown boys entertained since the advent of the Magnavox Odyssey in 1972, nothing is more guaranteed to keep a guy endlessly entertained than an X-Box, Play Station, or Nintendo Wii.

However, if you’re tempted to buy him a new suite of top-end games to enjoy, please take note of this advice. He doesn’t want to share. He doesn’t want to play games that bring you both closer together, and he certainly doesn’t want to play games that revolve around building up relationships with imaginary neighbors, or developing farmsteads. What he wants is a game where you simultaneously drive, shoot, and swear at frequent intervals. In essence, he wants his games to act as virtual punch bags, not handbags.

#9 Pet names. Thinking of buying him a fluffy bunny to show your appreciation? Well, don’t blame us if you end up tucking into “Nibbles” at his next BBQ. To a real, manly man, fluffy critters like bunnies have one of two purposes in life: to sate his hunger or to keep him warm. Enough said.

#10 Booze trip. This option will get the thumbs up from any guy. A night on the tiles in good company, indulging in every form of alcohol known to man? What’s not to like? Please, though, do us all a favor and throw your plans to take us on a wine-tasting evening into the nearest wastepaper basket, shredder, or incinerator. Gargling the booze and then spitting it out again? Are you crazy?!

Although your boyfriend or husband loves everything you do for him, make sure you don’t create a gift-giving nightmare and buy him something he will never forget–for all the wrong reasons.