The Seal-Heidi Klum divorce is getting ugly. The British singer was caught on tape dissing Heidi for her choice to “fornicate with the help,” adding that she could have “at least waited until we separated first.”

Now he’s backtracking and saying that he didn’t actually mean that she cheated on him with her bodyguard while they were married.

Strange, it sure sounded like that. As for Heidi, she denies it.

But Seal should’ve known that when you marry a woman whose tagline is, “One day you’re in, and the next day you’re out,” you might end up as the lead story in Scoop.

QUICK TAKES

Michael Clarke Duncan, 54, best known for “The Green Mile,” died Monday, eight weeks after suffering a heart attack.

Simon Cowell is apparently not a total and complete bastard: His yacht rescued nine people in the waters of St. Tropez after their boat began to sink.

Nas was spotted out on the town in Hollywood with his ex-wife, Kelis.

Wilmer Valderrama is being sued for unpaid wages by drivers that he hired. At least there is one hard-partying celebrity who doesn’t get behind the wheel himself.

Joey Buttafuoco is writing a book and calling it “Closure.” Let’s hope so.

Eva Longoria will open a “steakhouse for women” called She on New Year’s Eve in Las Vegas. What-everrrr.

Off the wall

The Los Angeles Times has published emails about Michael Jackson from his handlers that seem to shine light onto his condition just prior to his death.

Bluntly described as a “basket case,” he was reportedly too intoxicated to leave his hotel suite, and even had to have people dress him.

He showed “strong signs of paranoia, anxiety, and obsessive-like behavior,” said Kenny Ortega, the director of the singer’s stage show.

“It is like there are two people there. One [deep inside] trying to hold on to what he was and still can be and not wanting us to quit him,” he said, “the other in this weakened and troubled state.”

Kiddie corn

The G-rated film “Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure” has had the worst opening of any film, ever. Not even Kenn Viselman, the marketing guy behind the Teletubbies, could generate enough interest in this thing.

It stars three unimaginative costumed characters named Goobie, Zoosie and Toofie who are on a mission to collect and find balloons for a birthday party — think “Apocalypse Now” but with singalongs.

The $60 million movie only garnered $448,000 by the end of the weekend, according to the Huffington Post.

Here’s the trick to a successful kids’ movie: Make something that parents can survive for two hours.

The Teletubbies worked because it was a TV show; parents could plunk the kid down and then skedaddle. But no amount of Twizzlers or gin-spiked Sprite could get an adult through something like this.