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Earlier this week, Defense Department officials showcased a new “green” line of nuclear missiles.

“Contrary to popular belief, nuclear missiles are actually pretty destructive,” said Defense Secretary Robert Gates. “Especially when it comes to greenhouse emissions.”

According to the Defense Department’s website, the new nuclear missiles will no longer use traditional rocket thrusters but will instead rely on several industrial strength fans, powered by solar panels.

The new missiles will also be made entirely out of compostable materials.

“I visited Hiroshima a few months back and was disgusted to find some of the original shrapnel from the atom bomb still lying around,” said Appropriations Chairman Robert Wyde. “With our new biodegradable missile casings, I can finally rest assured that we’ll no longer be destroying our dear earth.”

Early last week, the famed prediction machine Paul the octopus died. Paul, who perfectly predicted the results of the 2010 World Cup and was 12/14 lifetime, was an octopus of many talents and accomplishments. A major promoter of tentacle erotica in his early school days, Paul had quite a wild […]

Palo Alto resident Markus Gunderson, 78, couldn’t be blamed for wanting to have a quiet retirement. He served in two wars, raised three children as a single parent and spent time as a volunteer fireman. But instead, he opted to devote his time to teaching his dogs an incredible stunt: […]

Both the California chefs and potters unions declared support for Proposition 19, the statewide referendum to legalize the recreational use of marijuana in California. Famous TV Chef Emeril Lagasse, a senior member of the chefs union, commented, “Pot is the most important tool for a chef. Without it, we’re nothing.” […]