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Ten random thoughts I had while watching two straight days of NBA playoffs[1]

“Kendrick Perkins might be drunk right now”

He started the game by snapping the ball through his legs to Russell Westbrook and later in the game streaked down the lane in transition and pointed upwards seemingly calling for an alley oop that no one would ever throw. Seriously Kendrick? Not even Andre Miller could place the ball close enough to the rim for you to actually dunk it.

“Do the Pacers know the playoffs have started?”

To keep their two month streak of terrible play alive, Indy came out unenthused and got smashed by the 38-44 Atlanta Hawks[2]. It’s not their fault though. When Jeff Teague has the rock, everybody is at his mercy…

“No..No..NOOOOO!!! WHY?!?!? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?!?!”

Those were the exact hysterical cries that escaped my lips when Tim Duncan banged knees with Monta Ellis. It had the look and feel of a career ending ACL tear and it just had me worried. I was midway through piecing together a dedication video titled “#TimStrong” set to the Titanic theme song when he checked back in unscathed. Thank god that never got tweeted.

Day Day is turning into the type of player whose impact isn’t fully appreciated by typical box score statistics. I mean, 7, 7, 4 is a respectable line when you’re coming off the bench but it was the little things he did in the big moments that really make him stand out. In the second half he pounded a guy off glass as the sole defender on a two-on-one, caused a Chris Paul turnover in the waning seconds of the game (the NBA said it should have been a foul) and generally bothered anyone near him on defense. The Warriors outscored the Clippers by 17 when he was on the court.

“So, I guess lending Ferrari’s is a thing rich people do.”

I once lent someone season 3 of Scrubs and was nervous.

“Why does Nene’s name never come up when people talk about great centers?”

This is more of a knock on Nene than the fans. He has the size and strength to matchup with anyone and consistently bullied Joakim Noah in game one but it’s the skill and deft touch this guy has that sets him apart. He can pass and score off the dribble. Is it his injury history? Why can’t this guy be the destructive force he was in game one all the time? Makes me sad.

Yes. The answer was yes. The white guy who rarely steps inside the 3-point arc came streaking…nay soaring…across the lane and sent Hibbert’s weak shit at least one row deep. But it wasn’t a coincidence. He did it AGAIN late in the 4th quarter!! Hibbert if you’re not going to use your height you shouldn’t be allowed to have it. You’re being selfish.

[1] No, “I need friends” is not one of them.

[2] I’m pretty sure nobody in the city of Atlanta was aware of the Hawks upset.

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Writing Pistons articles is great, all I have to do is copy and paste the same opening line for any article over the past 5 years. And here it is…

The Pistons are an absolute disaster.

If you’ve been unable to catch a game this season, let me fill you in. Every single offseason move backfired. Josh Smith is having one of the most embarrassing offensive seasons in history and continues playing like he’s completely oblivious to it. Brandon Jennings is the same herky-jerky streetballer he was in Milwaukee and it makes running an offense through him impossible. Chauncey Billups, when healthy, has shown the exact upside a 37-year old coming off a torn Achilles can be predicted to have (unless your name is Joe Dumars) and Kentavious Caldwell-Pope has more last names than memorable moments.

But the Pistons made the first of many much needed moves today in firing head coach Mo “Butt” Cheeks. Since being hired he has shown an inability to corral player’s terrible tendencies (Josh Smith’s shooting, Brandon Jenning’s everything) and has been unable to make his 3-Bigs lineups work. On both ends of the court the team has the organization of a dumpster fire (but without the entertainment). The only upside has been the growth of Andre Drummond but unfortunately it’s been counteracted by the plateauing of Greg Monroe’s game.

So how can the Pistons be fixed? Actually, scratch that, “fixed” is such a strong word. How can the Pistons push the 10,000 feet of garbage piled on top of their future and gain some room to breathe? That’s better

1. Joe Dumars has to go.

I know this, you know this, every other fan knows this. Even Joe knows this. I guarantee he cackles like the Wicked Witch of the West every time he gets a paycheck. In fact it’s so obvious that he needs to go, I’m not going to waste any more words on it.

2. The team needs to move back to the city of Detroit.

Don’t get me wrong, the Palace is a nice venue, but real estate is all about location, location, location. Auburn Hills sucks. Why would I drive out to Auburn Hills to watch a game when there is nothing to do after wards? Their only other attraction is Great Lakes Crossing and since I’m not an angsty teen, shopping malls aren’t a huge draw to me. I know that moving cities involves actually having a stadium to move to, but sometime in the next decade the Detroit Pistons need to start playing in, ya know, Detroit.

3. Move Josh Smith.

This might seem impossible considering the desperation of the team, the historical ineptitude of his current season and his long history of non-success but there is one place where I believe we could dump him. Try to guess. What team is more desperate than the Pistons? What team’s management has a hole in their heart only a “do-it-all” wing player could fill? The Cleveland Cavaliers! C’mon, tell me that if we replaced Josh Smith’s headband with one twice as wide that Dan Gilbert couldn’t talk himself into a trade. And here’s how it could work. The Cavs are already reshopping Luol Deng (I hope they kept the receipt) because they know a consummate professional whose main goal is winning isn’t going to resign with them. So they trade Deng to the Pistons for Josh Smith and KCP. The Cavs get someone more talented than they will realistically get from free agency AND a young shooting guard who has shown some defensive upside and is willing to play off the ball. This frees them to trade Dion Waiters (who is never going to succeed in that environment) and still be able to say they have youth and potential at that position. The Pistons just let Deng go at season’s end and start over with that money. If it is impossible to get rid of him, just amnesty him. We will go nowhere with Smith as a go-to player and veteran leader on this team. Just ask Atlanta.

4. Sign Lionel Hollins as head coach.

Despite the bleak outlook on the team there is still a lot of young potential here. And a whole lot of undisciplined basketball being played. Hollins brings a much needed disciplinary, no nonsense style and demeanor this team needs. Hollins’ defense in Memphis was one of the most suffocating in recent memory. There’s no reason why a team with a legitimate, athletic rim protector and an elite wing defender (whether that’s Smith or Deng) should have this porous of an interior defense.

Until some major moves are made there is going to be a whole lot of mediocrity and wasted potential in the near future.

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1. Oklahoma City Thunder

We know…Post Harden, Post-Martin, they might be the strongest they’ve ever been

But…What will happen when Russell Westbrook returns?

With no Westbrook we have been treated to an Old Country Score Buffet by Kevin Durant that has been the most entertaining stretch of basketball by any player in the league thus far. KD scored 30 in 12 consecutive games including 48 @Utah, 37 @Memphis, 54 vs GSW, 46 vs Portland, 36 @San Antonio, 41 vs ATL, and 33 in a duel against Lebron James. But enough jibberjabber about KD, we’ve known he can score. What’s better is the young guys have been stepping up without Westbrook in the lineup. Jeremy Lamb’s scoring has increased every month so far and his outside shooting is a huge upgrade from the stinkbombs Thebo punts up there every night. Steven Adams has been tough down low, cutting into Kendrick Perkins’ minutes[1] and getting under everyone’s skin when he’s out there. Reggie Jackson, put back into a starting role, is proving last year’s playoff performance was no fluke. This team has matured from being two uber-talented future HOFers to one of the deepest teams in the league. But what happens when Russell returns? Luckily, with the versatility, length, and athleticism of the team’s top players, Jackson and Westbrook can be on the court at the same time. Lamb and Adams will lose minutes come playoff time but that is more a product of their young, unpolished games (especially Adams although I love this dude) than RW’s return. In any case, OKC remains my favorite to come out of the West.

2. San Antonio Spurs

We know…They can win regular season games regardless of who suits up

But…Are they going to be healthy enough when the playoffs come?

I’m not a doctor so I can’t realistically answer this question, but it does concern me that Kawhi Leonard, Danny Green, Tiago Splitter and Manu Ginobili (expected) have all missed considerable time. But it isn’t those guys I’m worried about. They are all young and/or used to missing time and will bounce back healthy, it’s Tim Duncan though that has had to pick up the scraps. He has only sat three games this year (he missed 13 last year) after battling through a long playoff run. He needs to sit more but therein lies the problem. The Spurs need a top seed to ensure home court advantage and can’t do that right now without playing Duncan. But playing Duncan could mean a lesser version of him come playoff time where they will need him most. It’s a bit of a Catch-22. As soon as those guys come back I anticipate seeing Timmy in a lot of suits.

3. Portland Trailblazers

We know…They are a legitimate team

But…Can they actually fight for a title?

While Portland is the most offensively efficient team in the league they rank 21st in defensive efficiency. To put that in perspective they are ranked right around Cleveland, Detroit, and both New York teams. That isn’t going to be good enough to win a title. To fix this they could trade for Omer Asik but Houston has backed off of shopping him and Portland seems content with keeping their current group of guys. Another sneaky stat: Portland has four guys in the top-15 in Total Distance Traveled according to NBA.com’s player tracking data (it tracks the number of miles covered during games). The only other teams with multiple players clocked that high are the Warriors and Clippers (2 each).That’s a lot of mileage, literally. Even though they are young, this could come back to haunt them late in the season.

4. Los Angeles Clippers

We know…Blake CAN lead this team as its number one option.

But…will they make a move?

Since Chris Paul injured his shoulder Blake Griffin has been a beast. His usage numbers are up, he’s averaged 25/8/4 in January and the team is 10-3 (albeit against mostly Eastern Conference a.k.a D-league teams). But most people still think this team is one move away from winning four playoff series. The most likely option is trading Jamal Crawford. He’s averaged 20/4 since the CP3 injury and has always been a great secondary ball handler and elite heat-check option off the bench. I’m not sure who they might get for him but they NEED a third big man before the playoffs start. Griffin and Jordan are both having career years but come playoff time they will need one more guy in their frontcourt rotation.

5. Houston Rockets

We know…They have star power and phenomenal shooting.

But…Quietly this team has serious questions….EVERYWHERE!!!

Dwight has maturity issues (although they have not surfaced in Houston yet), their coach runs very few offensive sets, and James Harden might be the worst defensive player in the league. If this team wants to contend these have to change, especially James Harden. Name the last team to win a championship when their star player was also their worst defender…go ahead…take all the time you need…

6. Phoenix Suns

We know…They have serious young talent and a reason to be positive about the future

But…Should they continue exploiting that now or put it on the shelf for next year?

This team defies all logic and reason. They are 10 games above .500 and your average NBA fan probably can’t name multiple players on this team. Rookie coach Jeff Hornacek has gotten every single ounce of talent and effort out of these players, it’s incredible to watch. Unfortunately though they come across as the only team in the Western conference playoff race that has no chance of stealing a series. When a team has nothing to do except game plan to stop your strengths, is an offense predicated on Goran Dragic drive-and-kicks going to be enough? Do you think Gerald Green is still going to be a 25 point threat when games slow down? I don’t think so. With that being said I 100% believe they should keep fighting and avoid tanking at all costs. They are finally giving hope to a fan base that hasn’t had a pulse since the 7 seconds or less Steve Nash teams.

7. Golden State Warriors

We know…they have a ton of pieces

But…can they put it together to make a championship run?

When listing the “best” teams in the league GSW always comes to mind around #5-6 for me yet they are still only the seventh seed in the West. Other than losing Iguodala for a little bit they haven’t had to overcome injuries…they have a legitimate star player…they have a defensive anchor…they are young yet have as much confidence as everyone else…what’s the deal? Part of it is the development of Harrison Barnes. He has been relegated to the bench (after starting 81 games last year) and hasn’t responded in his new role. His numbers are down across the board and the emerging force we saw in last year’s playoffs hasn’t made a peep in months. Hopefully the Jordan Crawford trade will give Barnes another offensive running mate on that second unit. Draymond Green has looked solid but is far from an offensive threat at this point in his career.

8. Dallas Mavericks

We know…Carlisle is as good a coach as any in the league

But…How much time does Dirk have?

Somehow Rick Carlisle has made Monta Ellis into a more efficient player and the pairing of him and Jose Calderon hasn’t hemorrhaged points. It’s a modern day miracle! But this team, as well ran as it is, is not a contender and Nowitzki doesn’t have much more time playing at this level. I just hope to see one more playoff run from Dirk but I don’t think the current lineup will give him that chance.

9. Memphis Grizzlies

We know…Can defend, can’t score

But…what will Marc Gasol’s return mean?

Gasol’s injury coupled with a slow start has the Grizzlies on the outside of people’s peripheral vision but they are 8-1 since Gasol returned. Their defense is as stout as ever and if they can claw back into the playoffs (currently two games out) they will still be one of the hardest outs in the league. No one wants to fight them in the first round because, win or lose, you will leave that series bruised and battered.

10. Minnesota Timberwolves

We know…Kevin Love can play…

But…can anyone else?

They were finally granted a sustained stretch of good health and the results were undeniably disappointing. Here is a legitimate question though: Other than Kevin Love is anyone on this team top ten in the league at their position? Due to his historically bad shooting and the ocean level depths of talent at point guard in the NBA right now Ricky Rubio absolutely is not. Pekovic might be in the top ten numbers wise but talent wise there are ten centers I’d rather have than him (don’t believe me check the footnote[2]). Kevin Martin has a great shot but is a below average secondary ball handler (considering the depth at point guard a lot of teams play with two on the court at the same time) and is a terrible defender. If they want to keep Love when his contract is up, they MUST upgrade his supporting cast.

11. Denver Nuggets

We know…they have had a ton of personnel issues.

But…is it really worth the fight?

McGee and Gallinari have missed the entire year, Chandler has been hurt, Faried’s minutes have fluctuated wildly, Andre Miller wants out, Nate Rob is out for the season…it’s been a tough follow up to last year’s 50-win season. They have no chance of making the playoffs so why not move a couple of these guys and tank. Chandler and Faried might garner phone calls, ditch Miller for anything you can get. Let them go and start anew.

12. New Orleans Pelicans

13. Utah Jazz

14. Los Angeles Lakers

15. Sacramento Kings

We know…They can’t make the playoffs

But…What do they have to look forward to next year?

New Orleans has the best player under-20 in the world (yeah I said it) and enough pieces to where they could easily be the 3 seed in the East (yeah I said that too). Utah almost has an entire starting lineup under 23 years old but may have made a mistake waiting until the offseason to resign Gordon Heyward. LA Lakers have…Kobe?…and some cap space in their near future? And Sac-Town has a surging Demarcus Cousins. Seriously, look at his numbers the past couple month. I think he will make the leap into elite player next year.

[2] Hibbert, Howard, Gasol, Horford, Drummond, Brook Lopez, Cousins, and Noah before you even consider Pek. There’s still DeAndre Jordan, Al Jefferson, Andrew Bogut and a slew of power forwards who can play both like Anthony Davis and Serge Ibaka that I would rather have than Pekovic.

I know I haven’t written anything in a while but I figured what better time for an NBA article than the (roughly) midway point in the year. They’ve played enough basketball now that it is safe to make judgments on teams…so here’s one thing we “know” and one thing we still want to find out about each of the Eastern Conference teams.

Enjoy…follow me @chris_barbee19 if you have any input!!

1. Indiana Pacers

We know… They are the only contender in the East outside of Miami

But…Has Miami adapted to stop Hibbert?

Hibbert dominated Miami in last year’s playoff there is no doubt about that. But that same performance is not guaranteed again this year, not by a long shot. Miami has shown an incredible ability to make adjustments (just look at the overall evolution of Lebron and Chris Bosh’s games since joining the Heat) and Hibbert’s size/strength might represent another adaptation. Hibbert had 24/5 on 15 shots in their first meeting (efficient scoring night, low rebounding) and then 6/2 with five fouls when they met a week later. I’m sure you can guess which game Indiana won. What version of Hibbert will we see in the playoffs? And is it possible that Greg Oden stays healthy and gives them good minutes in the inevitable Conference Finals matchup?

2. Miami Heat

We know… They are in cruise control

But…As a team, do they have enough gas in the tank for a three peat?

It is blatantly obvious they are saving Dwyane Wade for the playoffs[1] but without him can Lebron stay healthy enough for another championship run? He has played roughly 1 million basketball games over the past three years with regular season, playoffs and the Olympics included. That is a hell of a physical beating. In addition to that, the mental grind of having a target on your back EVERY night must be considered when you look at this team’s chances to repeat. It’s been ten years since a team won three in a row. That isn’t a coincidence, it’s an incredibly difficult thing to accomplish.

3. Toronto Raptors

We know… They are better off without Rudy Gay

But…Is that what they really want?

As an outsider, the Rudy Gay trade was supposed to kill two birds with one stone. It not only released the Raptors from his 20-million dollar contract but also helped them tank in a “fair” way and bolster their chances for a high draft pick. However, only one of those things happened which means the Raptors front office has a decision to make. Option 1: Continue with an entertaining group of players, further push this “Drake goes to our games!!!!” thing, and go to the playoffs for the first time since 2008. Option 2: Make another trade (Kyle Lowry is the obvious candidate) and reattempt to bottom out. The former may give their fan base a much needed boost while the latter could possibly result in a top draft pick. We will know which they chose as the trade deadline nears.

4. Atlanta Hawks

We know…Jeff Teague and Paul Millsaps is enough to win games in the East.

But…do they really want to repeat the Josh Smith, Joe Johnson era?

Teague is a good young talent, Millsaps is a first time All-Star, and Horford, although out for the season with a torn pectoral muscle, is one of the best at his position. But that is not a good enough core to actually contend for titles. They are back in the level of hell where teams compete every night, earn the 4th or 5th seed, then get bounced before the ECF every year. It’s the same level of hell Dante visits in chapter four of Dante’s Inferno[2].

5. Chicago Bulls

We know…They refuse to give up

But….Is something behind the scenes about to boil over?

Bottomline, the Luol Deng trade rubbed people the wrong way. Coach Thibs, Joakim Noah and Luol Deng himself have, in one way or another, shown negativity towards management. The idea of giving up on a season is about 10,000 miles outside of this team’s philosophy and, after losing D-Rose and trading Luol, management basically asked the team to do this. If any other trades occur I think someone is going to blow a gasket.

6. Washington Wizards

We know…John Wall is their guy and it’s playoffs or bust.

But…can their recent draft picks lift them to the next level?

Bradley Beal, Jan Vesely, and Otto Porter are the team’s last three lottery picks. Beal has come along nicely and was recently invited to the Team USA Olympic pool but the other two have been close to useless. Porter, the third overall pick last year, plays less than 10 minutes per game and Vesely, despite recently showing off some previously unseen athleticism, still gets less PT than Trevor Booker. In the decrepit fart that is The East, they will make the playoffs, but if they want to win a series any time soon, these things must change.

7. Brooklyn Nets

We know…This is the Jekyll and Hyde team of the East

But…come playoff time, will they be a legitimate threat?

They were a punch line for 30 games before their current 10-3 stretch (which included wins against OKC, Miami, and Golden State). So let’s rewind back to the beginning of the season. People thought this was a possible championship caliber team but turned on them when immediate, although predictable, problems arose. Is it possible the first stretch of games was just veterans learning to play together while a rookie coach was overwhelmed with his new job? Maybe they CAN be the force they were supposed to be. With only four games between them and a top four seed (with Toronto possibly looking to tank) this is the sleeper team to watch in the East. What if Indiana or the Heat have some big injury? If you look at their roster and ignore the beginning of the season, is it completely crazy to see imagine this team in the Eastern Conference Finals?

8. Charlotte Bobcats

We know…they technically have a professional basketball team.

But…does anyone actually watch them?

I’m going to be honest, I’ve watched exactly zero minutes of Charlotte basketball this year. All I know is Al Jefferson has been solid, MKG has evolved into a premier defensive wing, and everyone else’s growth has stagnated. I will throw up on my laptop if they make the playoffs and Detroit doesn’t.

9. New York Knicks

We know…This is not the 50-win team from last year.

But…can they salvage it enough to convince Melo to stay?

Other than Carmelo they have nobody to build with. J.R. Smith is more likely to untie someone’s shoes than help his team win. Tyson Chandler is good but brittle. Bargnani has always been a one-dimensional offensive player who is closer to being zero-dimensional than two. And the fact they have no first round picks this year means they’ve essentially handcuffed themselves to a boat and put a bullet through the floor. But since NY can offer one more year to Carmelo than any other team this offseason, there’s still a chance Melo returns. Does he want rings or money? This decision will define his legacy.

10. Detroit Pistons

We know…They are a complete mess right now

But…will they EVER mesh?

Josh Smith is putting together the worst shooting season in history, Greg Monroe has stopped growing as a player, KCP hasn’t moved the needle at any point this year, and Coach Cheeks has no clue how to make it better. Da fuck happened?! Can we fire Joe Dumars already…

11. Cleveland Cavaliers

We know…They want to win NOW!

But…can they?

Did Dan Gilbert think Luol Deng was going to catapult the Cavs into immediate contender talk? Cause they’re 4-6 so far and the trade has already fallen out of people’s memories. Of course ten games is too small of a sample size to make any definitive claims but, realistically, even if Deng plays out of his mind, this team isn’t even close to being an upper echelon team. There are too many questions in the front court, the whole Waiters drama can’t be good for his development, Anthony Bennett might be the worst 1st overall pick in history, and most importantly, their franchise player DOESN’T PLAY DEFENSE!!! That’s a big problem if Irving is going to be their guy.

12. Philadelphia 76ers

13. Boston Celtics

14. Orlando Magic

15. Milwaukee Bucks

We know…they will fight for worst team in East

But…what do they have to look forward to next year?

Philly has ROTY favorite MCW, a returning lottery pick in Nerlens Noel and three legitimate trade pieces with Evan Turner, Thad Young and Spencer Hawes who could move at the deadline. Rondo just returned for Boston and Brad Stevens has transitioned nicely into the pros (despite their record) and they have a slew of first round picks from the Garnett/Pierce/Rivers trade coming their way. Orlando has four guys in their rotation under 24 years of age and all of them have genuine upside. Milwaukee has…..the highest odds of getting the first overall pick, I guess?

[1] Can you blame them? If he played 0 games this season they would still finish second in the East by a long shot.

[2] Ok so I’ve never read Dante’s Inferno but a friend once described it to me so it’s basically the same.

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I’m going to start by saying I loved…LOVED…the nickname idea. Just another perfect way for the league to make money get the fans involved in a fun and endearing way. If you missed the game or for whatever reason still own a low-def television and couldn’t read them, here’s a breakdown of what people chose.

Miami Heat

The Good

Lebron James (“King James”)

Of course. It’s his nickname and he has a multi-million dollar image he’s trying to uphold. He is King James and King James is him. Other choices: Imagine the ESPN uproar if he picked “G.O.A.T”. It would be worth it.

Ray Allen (“J. Shuttlesworth”)

This jersey alone made the whole thing worth it.

Chris Andersen (“Birdman”)

I honestly thought his jersey already said “Birdman” on the back. Nobody’s called him Chris Andersen since ‘Nam.

Norris Cole (“Cole Train”)

I don’t love Norris Cole as a basketball player (although he’s been a contributor from day one on a championship team) but he seems like a genuinely funny guy. The flat top and now this hilarious nickname. Good work by you Norris. Other options: “Cole World”, “Cole War”, “Ice Cole”

Rashard Lewis (“Sweet Lew”)

Although his goatee and face structure scream “The Pharaoh”, Sweet Lew is cool too. It has the same relaxed, uncaring feel that his style of play has screamed since 2007. Another great option: “I Just Sharded”

Michael Beasley (“B Easy”)

He’s probably gotten enough crap for his “SuperCoolBeas” tattoo so “B Easy” was a good choice. If I didn’t dislike Michael Beasley so much this might have been my favorite nickname.

The Bad

Roger Mason Jr. (“MoneyMase”)

No matter how hard you try, “MoneyMase” is never going to be a thing. Sorry dude.

Mario Chalmers (“Rio”)

I know that’s already his nickname buuuut it makes him seem like such a child for some reason. Another choice: “Stop Yelling At Me”

Shane Battier (“Battle”)

It embodies his style of play, it plays off his name, but I’m just not feeling it. I wish he would have played off his intelligence like “The Professor” or “The Politician”

The Ugly

Joel Anthony (“Doc”)

What?!…this is…huh?! No, Joel, No!

Dwayne Wade (“D. Wade”)

It already says Wade on your jersey. Adding your first initial is lame. Why not “Flash”?

Chris Bosh (“C.B.”)

Of course he won’t go with the “Boshstrich” but what about “The Raptor” with a little throw back to his old team? Regardless, I’m still a fan. Yes, Chris Bosh fans exist and I am one of them. Keep doin’ your thing, Chris!!!

Udonis Haslem (“U.D”)

How about “U.H. Oh”. That works his initials in there and embodies the fan’s reactions when he checks into a game.

Greg Oden (“G.O.”)

I guess “Grandpa Greg” and “Black Gandalf” were taken.

James Jones (“JJ”)

It’s good to see James Jones is still in the league.

Brooklyn Nets

The Good

Andrei Kirilenko (“Кириленко”)

I assume this means “bone crusher” in Russian. Wait, what? It’s just his last name in Russian? I’m going to keep pretending it says “bone crusher”.

Kevin Garnett (“The Big Ticket”)

Classic nickname.

Tornike Shengeila (“Tokomotiv”)

Look at Shengeila with the most creative nickname of the bunch. His creativity should buy him some more playing time.

Paul Pierce (“Truth”)

The only way this would have been better was if it said “Da Troof” and he snarled for the ENTIRE game.

Jason Terry (“Jet”)

This is another guy that lives his nickname and has inspired countless imitators in pickup games across the nation. Or maybe that’s just me.

The Bad

Andray Blatche (“Dray Live”)

This sounds like a terrible Broadway play where the star has character issues and shoots too much.

Alan Anderson (“Double”)

I see where he’s coming from with the AA initials but “Mr. Anderson” would have been cooler. There’s probably some laws preventing this though with its ties to The Matrix.

Brook Lopez (“Brooklyn”)

I once met a girl whose first name was Brooklyn. So…yeah there’s that.

Deron Williams (“D-Will”)

It’s better than D. Wade since it at least shortens his last name but it’s still lazy.

Tyshawn Taylor (“Tee_Y”)

I can’t tell if I love or hate the underscore…it’s hilariously and ironically dumb.

Mirza Teletovic (“MT3”)

This is too close to Chris Paul’s nickname.

The Ugly

Reggie Evans (“Joker”)

WTF? This nickname made less sense than anyone else’s. “Box Out” would have been cool. Or “Caveman” because he looks a little Neanderthal-ish.

Mason Plumlee (“Plums”)

They probably actually call him Plums in the locker room so I guess it’s not that bad.

Shaun Livingston (“S Dot”)

I’m probably just not cool enough to get it. “Stanky Leg” would have been my choice for obvious reasons.