Farmer Ken Kellog raised sheep. He had a surly, unpredictable ram that tried to escape the pasture at every opportunity. Twenty ravens had their nests nearby. There were two swoops of 10 ravens each. The ravens loved to harass the ram. They'd fly down to the field and caw at him until he charged. At the last second, they'd fly upward, and the ram would hit the fence. One day, a raven didn't get out of the way in time. He was crushed. The others decided to get revenge. When Kellog visited the pasture one day, he failed to lock the gate. The ravens pushed it open and lured the ram into the hayfield. They flew toward the bailing machine, the ram chasing them furiously. At the last moment, the ravens pulled up -- and the ram ran straight into the bailer. He came out the other side in a mangled package. Twenty big black birds came to perch upon him, satisfied. The farmer was left with two swoops of ravens on a package of Kellog's brazen ram!

gailr wrote:If that's the sort of post we can expect from you, young man, well, we're expecting some more...

-gailr

I may be able to deliver on occasion, but that's some heavy lifting!

One day a man was bored, so he decided to take up a new sport. He wanted to try something exotic. And he wanted his friends to witness his daring feat. So he phoned them and told them to meet him on a cliff overlooking a beach. When they arrived, he was standing on the edge holding a small yellow bird. Suddenly, he jumped off the side of the cliff. He landed at the bottom, a bit bruised and shaken up, but otherwise okay. He ran back up to the top of the cliff and announced to his friends, "That's the last time I try budgie jumping."

Well, Sam Clam and Larry Lobster were the best of friends, they loved to jam together, Sam played the drums and Larry played the harp. One day there was a terrible earthquake and both friends were killed, Larry Lobster went to heaven but you know Clams are kinda dirty so Sam went to... the other place. As time went on Larry's harp playing was noted everywhere. Sam Clam had made a name for himself by opening a huge club. Sam wrote to Larry asking him to come for huge renunion tour. Larry pleaded Saint Peter who said, "You may, but you must be back by midnight or you'll be shut out forever."
Larry went to visit Sam and they played into the night, revelry was rampant. The clock struck 10 times before Larry realized he had to get a move on (sorry Palewriter) Larry raced to the pearlies and scraped in just in time. St Peter was there tapping his toe, "Larry, Larry. Larry, Where is your harp?" he asked.

Wait for it now...
,
,
,

"Aw Petey, I left my harp, at Sam Clam's Disco."

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, Make the most of it...kb

Bailey wrote:Well, Sam Clam and Larry Lobster were the best of friends, they loved to jam together, Sam played the drums and Larry played the harp. One day there was a terrible earthquake and both friends were killed, Larry Lobster went to heaven but you know Clams are kinda dirty so Sam went to... the other place. As time went on Larry's harp playing was noted everywhere. Sam Clam had made a name for himself by opening a huge club. Sam wrote to Larry asking him to come for huge renunion tour. Larry pleaded Saint Peter who said, "You may, but you must be back by midnight or you'll be shut out forever." Larry went to visit Sam and they played into the night, revelry was rampant. The clock struck 10 times before Larry realized he had to get a move on (sorry Palewriter) Larry raced to the pearlies and scraped in just in time. St Peter was there tapping his toe, "Larry, Larry. Larry, Where is your harp?" he asked.

Wait for it now...,,,

"Aw Petey, I left my harp, at Sam Clam's Disco."

How cute! I can't believe I, like, missed that one seeing as how I'm from, like, California.

"What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compaired to what lies inside us." R.W.E.

Three people arrive at the Pearly Gates simultaneously. St. Peter informs them, "Due to the high number of recent natural disasters and armed conflicts, our facilities have been stretched beyond their limits and we need to upgrade our infrastructure before we can accept new customers. However, we do have a special offer for you. You can go back to Earth for one month, but there is one proviso: you can't go back as a human. Anything else, and I mean anything, is OK."

Well the first person says, "Well, I always wondered what it would be like to be an eagle soaring over the Grand Canyon."

"DONE!" say St. Peter, and with a snap of his fingers, the man disappears. "Next?"

"I always admired the dolphins when I was on Earth. I'd like to swim with them for a while," said the second. "DONE!" He, too, disappears.

"What about you?" says St. Peter to the third one.

"Well, um, I always wanted to be a real stud." he said with a sly but sheepish grin. "As you wish!" was the Gatekeeper's reply as the third one vanished.

A week later God summoned St. Peter into his office. "We seem to be missing three souls." he said. "Well, a week ago I sent three back to Earth for a month on that special program we had while we upgraded our infrastructure," said St. Peter.

"What? We cancelled that program a month ago! Don't you ever open your EMail? I want those souls back right now!"

"OK, OK, don't get so excited. We can have the first two back right away, but it will take a while to find the third one."

"Why? Where is he?"

"We're not sure exactly, but we know he's in a wall somewhere in Wisconsin."

Regards//Larry

"To preserve liberty, it is essential that the whole body of the people always possess arms, and be taught alike, especially when young, how to use them." -- Attributed to Richard Henry Lee

I think that I posted this one once. My [in]famous brother crafted it.

A gentleman is invited to a preview of a soon to open attraction: a theological wax museum. The museum's AC system isn't on line yet so the exhibits are all in large glass-fronted refrigerators; such as a florist might use for long-stemmed roses.

The guest is very impressed with how life-like all of the figures seem. There is a likeness of Jesus, Mohammed, Budda, Krishna, etc. All are dressed in the costumes of their respective times. But the guest does notice that, rather than being shod in sandals or barefoot (as one might expect), they are all wearing modern dress shoes.

The guest asks the curator for an explanation. The curator explains, "It is all very simple. I gots shoes. You gots shoes. All Gods chillin gots shoes."

"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once. Lately it hasn't been working."Anonymous