Musings, dreams, thoughtcrimes.

Intertwined

Conversations, news and movies inform me that it is pretty common for a person to say bad things about his or her ex. I have always found that practice mystifyingly alien. It is not that I necessarily have any moral objection to saying such things; just that I cannot ever imagine myself doing it.

A part of this attitude has probably to do with my general distate to voicing private matters in public, even to close friends. But a lot of it also has to do with pride and self-respect; it seems to me that it is impossible to say really bad things about someone you were close to for an extended period of time in the past without disrespecting yourself. How can you today badmouth someone you loved and respected in the past without implying that your judgment, taste — in a sense your entire existence then — was in some fundamental way flawed or false? I mean I see that people can feel pretty strong negative emotions after a bad break-up but still… I simply don’t get it. I don’t think I can ever publicly put down or even strongly criticize anyone I had been together with for a reasonable period of time; however acrimonious the break-up, however hurt I were in the process. Maybe I am just weird in this way.

Like this:

Related

6 Responses

“it seems to me that it is impossible to say really bad things about someone you were close to for an extended period of time in the past without disrespecting yourself. How can you today badmouth someone you loved and respected in the past without implying that your judgment, taste — in a sense your entire existence then — was in some fundamental way flawed or false?”

I quite disagree.
I don’t think people generally badmouth their ex-lovers. They may be bitter to each other on a personal level (that’s perfectly agreeable, simply because it’s personal). But I have hardly known people who badmouth their exs behind their backs. I know of friends (who loved and lost) who apologetically choose to refrain from discussing things like ‘what went wrong’, they acknowledge it in terms like ‘love left us’. In any case, they do not go bitching around about the other person.
I can’t think of too many movies/literature either that talk of a failed love story and show its protagonists talking bad of each other before friends or outsiders, howevermuch hurt they are. On the contrary, I’ve seen most people moving on (that’s fine) and some people (who are unable to do so) becoming the spurned lover (and i cannot dare say that that’s not fine, again because i’m nobody to say) … but in either case, i’ve rarely met people who were open and bitter about their exs or who hit back by talking loose about the other person. Well, that’s how it is, in as much as I could see in life. I’m sure I’ve taken the right lesson.

So while you could still be a weird person ;), let me say you aren’t all that weird on this one at least.

PS: As of coversations we all hear about ‘that friend of that friend of my friend’, I don’t think one should believe all that much; you know how a story gets distorted when it passes from ear to ear..

I was probably a bit lax in my choice of words in my post. I didn’t mean to imply that a majority of people badmouth their exes, just that a significant proportion do. And yes, of course it is true that the media via which I get to read or hear of such things oversamples those people (since staying quiet about a relationship does not make news) so I have no idea what the actual proportion is. But that’s not very crucial to the point I was trying to make, I think.

Also, it is possible that to an extent it is a cultural thing; in some cultures people might be prone to criticizing their exes in public and in others a dignified silence might be more common.

Huh? You guys need to step down from your high horses and stop judging people who feel the need to complain about their exes. Not everything about a person can be judged on the first date or even the 10th. Consider yourself lucky that you haven’t been in a relationship where you were not duped in one way or the other but there is a significant minority (possibly majority) out there which is not so lucky.

If u ask me, I’ll tell you that you do not sound serious about about the whole thing; are you telling me that if you fail in love, you are correct in talking loose about the other person?? Because you need to be explained this, let me tell you that you have never experienced true love. I hope you do not disagree, or you might be feeling like getting me by the neck.

In the first place, the terms that you use – ‘lucky’ and ‘unlucky’ – sound so casual and a straight lift from the American culture of habitual dating (no offence, but that’s true). And they provide the answer too. You find it correct to talk bad about the person after falling out, because you never really loved them; you were just trying to be ‘lucky’ with him/her. When you do not get lucky, you see their bad points all of a sudden.
You can choose to fall out of love after coming to know about something, or yourself be thrown out of love with or without explanation. You may insult them in privacy, make them cry or cry yourself, but if you start letting out their secrets in public, or such stuff, that’s not love. If you make mockery of the other’s character, part of which you say you earnestly loved, then it reflects back on the trueness, or rather the lack of it, in your own character.

That was the point abhishek was making; I just said that of the people I have known who have fallen in and out of love (they are many), most have been decent in how they treat their exes. Some people move on with life, some have a more terrible time (I’ve seen both kinds), but talking cheap is not agreeable dude. Period.

Well that’s a moot point. Because being in love and being in a relationship are hardly the same thing. And I hate this Indian thing about confusing the two. Most relationships are not love. Heck, most marriages here are not love.

If you have been in an unhealthy relationship it’s reasonable to vent. (But if your relationship was a healthy one and ended it’s totally unreasonable to badmouth. )

As far as my being in true love is concerned, thats too personal a topic to be put on this thread. Suffice it to say that I have never badmouthed an ex, but I know a few people who have had reasonable occasions for doing so and don’t we all?

I do find judging people who have gotten themselves into an unhealthy relationship highly objectionable. Accidents happen. Accidental pregnancies happen. Boyfriends turning douchebag after the girl puts on some weight happen. Girls openly insulting the boyfriend’s parent happen. Lots of things happen and happen often enough. Not all relationships are made in heaven.

(I of course do draw the line at letting personal secrets out in public. Forget relationships and exes, I would never do that to a colleague for that matter. It’s just not cool. However, feel free to tell everyone that the other person is a douche bag who has no respect for you and was just using you and that you now feel violated or whatever. Those emotions are much better expressed then suppressed. And talking cheap about anyone you personally knew in any circumstance is not cool. Totally agree with you on those as anyone would. I just think that the original poster is taking a highly judgmental and overgeneralized view of the world is all.)