US Affirms Commitment To Monarchy In Middle East

Immediately following the death of the Kuwaiti emir, the United States reiterates its support of the small nation's monarchy. "With the selection of the new emir, we look forward to a transparent process, without corruption or stuffed ballots," said a State Department spokesman. "The United States believes in freedom, and we think that the people of Kuwait deserve a leader who has been elected by bloodline."

Jewel-spangled coronations like the above in Iran (1967) may spark a monarchist movement across the Middle East.

The United States has long championed democracy in the Middle East. But after almost three years of hard work, it is obvious that monarchy is much easier to maintain. Government researchers are hurrying to identify the rightful descendants of pharaohs and Persian emperors to pave the way for inherited government.

A senior administration scoffed at the idea that monarchy might crush any real chance of reform. "The former emir ruled for only twenty-seven years. That's peanuts in the US Senate."

Fifteen years ago, the United States defeated Iraq after its invasion of Kuwait. "Kuwait's citizens, whose hard worked is propped up by disenfranchised migrant workers, deserve the freedom to be ruled by their own monarch," concluded the official.

After the 1991 Gulf War, Kuwaiti leaders attempted to embrace democratic traditions, but the transition has been difficult. To date, the position of Kuwait City dog catcher, open to all members of the royal family, has changed hands several times. Use of the ballot has brought several far-flung choices, including the Emir's second cousin.

"People forget that the United States used to be part of a monarchy itself," said Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. The Kuwaiti system, which consists of choosing the eldest son of the dead leader, has a proven track record.

"Democratic institutions take a long time," continued Dr. Rice. After over two hundred years, the US itself still has a two-party system, which is an obvious flaw. But we hope to rectify that soon."

As part of the United States commitment to monarchy, the US Defense Department will sponsor a tour with England's Prince Charles. There is hope that the display of the English crown, with all its finery and jewels, will ignite the spark that returns kings to the Middle East.

Dr. Rice issued a stern warning to any who would stand in the way of Middle Eastern monarchy. "The Middle East has strongmen, satrapies, and mullah rule, and their time is over. The United States will do whatever it can to preserve and if possible spread monarchy to Middle Eastern Nations."

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