Sweet Revenge

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'Homeland' Season Premiere Recap: Carrie, Interrupted

Can we start things off by mentioning how September 30th was basically the night to premiere in 2012? Seriously – we got Revenge, The Good Wife, the 14th season of Dexter, and that cheap network version of American Horror Story. But after last Sunday’s Silence of the Lambs-esque Emmy sweep, Homeland proved that it was the show on the night. Please don’t argue with the facts presented here. If you remember Homeland’s rip-roaring season one finale, Claire Danes &amp; Co. pulled off something that everyone stoned The Killing for: not delivering on what the entire season built towards. Sure, The Killing was unmasking a murderer and Homeland only promised a bomb, but still. I’m just being hard on our little critical darling, as Homeland is the best show on television right now and The Killing is ultimately just about rain (I think).
We start the episode with Carrie in the garden. Carrie, who is living at home with her aloof father and overbearing sister; Carrie, who has pulled everything together and is now grading those awful Blue Books in her quaint bedroom. Israel and Iran are butting heads, but Carrie is cool and collected. We all know that Calm Carrie is not Homeland, so this can only go on for so long, right? In Beirut, Saul is rolling in the deep and some mysterious woman with important insider information. No other show need attempt footage from the Middle East because Homeland is the only show that makes everything feel urgent and real; remember all the sitar music that Damages used during their Afghanistan drama? Play that against the opening scene from the Homeland pilot and Albert Nobbs can kiss her Emmys goodbye! Saul keeps getting chased and everyone wants to kill him or something. It's not really anything new, but it's definitely dangerous.
Homeland then drops our third major player into the field (yes, Saul is just as important a chess piece as Carrie, as Saul is our glue) – Sergeant, or rather Congressman, Brody. Brody still has that tight mouth, so everyone watching knows that he is very much still involved in Abu Nazir’s plan. Homeland has made me believe that Abu Nazir is actually a player in real world terrorism, and I don’t understand why I haven’t heard his name in the news. This show gives me too many emotions, and I think I stress vomited when the CIA took down Carrie’s color-coded timeline towards the end of season one. I also blacked out. Anyway, Brody’s name is being thrown into the ring for the next election cycle, and Brody’s son gets 300 Facebook friend requests in response. I would never want to be Facebook friends with the maybe-new Vice President’s loser son, but to each their own. Unless the Vice President’s loser son was named Barbara Bush. Huh?
The current Vice President is potential the worst character on this show, mainly because the characters on Homeland live in (fifty?) shades of grey – everyone is endlessly complicated and I love/hate every decision they make. I want Brody to blow everything up and I want Carrie to shoot Brody in the head. Graphic, I know. The Vice President is too obviously smarmy and manipulative, and feels like something 24 would throw into the ring. I love Jack Bauer as much as the next psychotic American that takes television too seriously, but Homeland has (so far) outsmarted 24 because 24 fell into a gimmicky pattern; Showtime’s juggernaut needs to stay away from the temptation to over blow our political drama.
The CIA comes back to visit Carrie while she is in the middle of teaching her English course to Middle Eastern immigrants. The crazy in Carrie’s eyeballs begins to come back after her conversation with her old co-worker, and it is the first real spark that’s ignited under Carrie’s new “sane” exterior. Carrie’s relationship with the CIA tested the very core of her being, and it eventually broke her during the fallout from her terrifying Brody bomb meltdown – Carrie not only let the CIA down, but she was wrong. Carrie was crippled at the end of season one because she thought her mental state drove her to something wildly incorrect; Carrie was afraid of herself. Clearly, we, the audience, know that Carrie was right and that Carrie needs to take Brody down as soon as possible, and I very much believe the tension in that dramatic irony is what makes me love Carrie Mathison unconditionally.
At the Brody house – Dana is still something like the blood sister of Sally Draper and Sansa Stark, while Jessica still has not found a better hairdo. I am obsessed with hairdos on television (as anyone that read my Pretty Little Liars recaps can attest), and Jessica’s hair is really not doing her beautiful face any favors. Neither was the time she spent as an alien on V, however. Regardless, Dana is still giving stoner vibes and Jessica is still a power-hungry political wife-b**ch. Homeland is smart to make sure that Carrie and Brody don’t cross paths in the premiere – their relationship is a time bomb at the center of the show. Carrie is being pulled back in by the CIA. Saul’s informant in Lebanon is named Fatima Ali, a woman Carrie recruited in 2005 and who was kept off-book in order to keep her informant alive. Everyone assumed she became a dead agent, but clearly things are on fire again. Fatima is working for the U.S. because she loves Julia Roberts movies, which is sweet and super weird; who knew that Pretty Woman could be inspiration for spy work?
The CIA has come to Carrie because Fatima has information about an upcoming attack on American soil, but she will only share her information with Carrie. Nice coincidence. As Carrie speaks to her old boss (and ex-lover, which was the weirdest twist from Season 1) David Estes, Claire Danes delivers one of her best Carrie expressions: She registers disgust, intrigue, and fear in a single twist of her mouth. Carrie was beaten down by a government organization that wanted her quiet, and now they want her back for a quick 72-hour mission? She registers the cruel reality, but her threat of not accepting the mission is clearly a bluff. Put that scene on your Emmy reel, Claire! Off to Beirut!
Before we head overseas, Carrie’s dumb sister tries to stop her from leaving. If you’ve seen Shame, and paid attention to what happened beyond the whole Michael Fassbender penis thing, you might remember that Carrie’s sister could be seen putting on a necklace in the Standard hotel while nude; not such an upstanding citizen after all, you little prostitute! I hope this show keeps up Carrie’s relationship with her father; it’s a smart and nuanced father-daughter dynamic characterized by shared insanity, and it’s never played for sentimentality. They’re both off their rockers and they both revel in that danger. Good stuff.
Brody meets with a reporter named Roya, who has a killer accent and… is part of Nazir’s system. How many people does Nazir control at this point? The man is unstoppable! Isn’t there an easier way to successfully terrorize that doesn’t involve funneling all assets through Brody? I am not a mastermind when it comes to the details of global terrorism networks, but I feel like Roya could do some pretty mean damage on her own. Brody promised Nazir that he would only work through influence, not violence; Roya gives that stupid mentality a big N-O, and demands that Brody crack a safe at the CIA during his meeting the next day. Roya, along with Nazir, believes that there is a different between simple violence and retaliation. Brody doesn’t even have a choice.
Showtime gives us a brief reprieve from all the power playing for a peek into DC prep schools, and this could not be more realistic. I went to Catholic school in the Hispanic suburbs surrounding DC, but I knew kids that went to school with “Quaker Meetings” and political big-wig brats and scary teachers with weak spines. What we learn from this little outing is that every male in Dana’s school looks a little bit like a girl, and that Dana is a lose cannon when it comes to unleashing her political ideals and secret family nuggets. Dana lets fire the fact that her father is a Muslim, which is turned into a joke instead of landing as a crazy revelation. Dana, zip the lip! Make sure Dad doesn’t kill you! I like Dana because she sometimes feels as zany as Carrie’s eyes. Which is a big compliment, coming from me.
Next: Bring on Brunette Carrie.Carrie is now a brunette with dark eyes, and she has to go by the name of Kate. However, Carrie has been out of the game and had her brain fried, so her memory-slash-general-CIA-skills are a little… rusty. Carrie is also a vegetarian and sometimes sleeps until 2:30 PM; Homeland has to build a new foundation for Carrie’s character because who knows where this woman stands? I think we can all agree that Carrie is not really in control here, because she is still a definite mess. You can’t solve mental illness that easily! Especially when the well being of the United States is very much at stake. Saul is nervous about Carrie’s mental state (as he should be), but everyone continues to push forward in an attempt to complete the mission. Can Carrie be trusted to hold it together?
Back on U.S. turf, Brody is starting to unravel a little. Remember when he did that weird sex stuff with Jessica? I didn’t like that. I also was watching that scene with my parents (we watched the first season together, I apologize for nothing), and I think I started crying. Jessica thinks Dana was saying crazy drug things when she mentioned that her father is a Muslim, but Brody drops the bomb that he is actually Muslim and practices his faith in the creepy garage. The creepy garage is also the one place where Carrie forgot to install her secret illegal cameras, and for all we know Dexter Morgan may also have been operated from that sacred space, so there’s that. Jessica is terrified of Brody, terrified of his weird faith, and terrified of the things that Carrie screamed on her front lawn a few months ago. CARRIE IS MENTIONED IN THE BRODY HOUSE. Uh oh. Not good.
The next day, Brody heads to CIA headquarters for his meeting with David Estes, and he successfully jots down the codes Roya needed from him. Homeland is bound to put nuclear weapons into play this season, and I honestly hope they are all heat-missiles honed for Roya! I love Roya’s accent but her I hate her everything else; Brody always needs top-notch sleeper agents pushing him towards “success,” and I don’t know why I always cheer for Brody when he succeeds at rifling through secret information and remembers to pick up his journal containing the illegal codes at the very last second. Deep breaths.
Carrie has gone through her wholly unsuccessful pre-Beirut training, and her eyeballs are beginning to show more and more terrified energy as she passes through the Beirut airport with her doctored passport. Carrie is trying to keep things under control, but her first meeting with Saul is intercepted when scary men trailing Saul also notice Carrie; one of the men races after Carrie through a local market, but Carrie is smart enough to dump her ultra-secret cell phone in a random dumpster and bolt. We keep getting brief glimpses at the damage that Carrie’s “surgery” has done to her memory, but Carrie handles being tailed like the pro she was; after buying a new headdress from the market, she checks a handheld mirror before her pursuer is in range. Carrie takes him down in one practiced kick, screams that her husband needs help, and bolts from the market.
This scene would be important just to show Carrie turning into her badass world-class agent all over again, but Claire Danes elevates the material by flashing an erratic, unpredictable smile as she hurries from the scene. Carrie is such a brilliant character because she is so achingly real, and because Claire can so readily access every single one of her emotions. It’s wholly terrifying and beautiful, because Carrie seems so naked. That brief moment, her giddy recollection of a lost lifestyle, is everything that Carrie represents, and the biggest smile stretched across my face as well. Carrie is back. Claire Danes is doing something important by creating a heroine so openly broken. All hail the Queen of Television (further evidence: My So-Called Life and Temple Grandin).
Back home, Brody buries his Quran, as Jessica threw it on the floor during her enraged search through the garage; Jessica is not the Little Miss Understanding as she’d have you believe. A piece of Brody’s religion has been desecrated, and it must be buried. Dana helps her father, and the first episode of the second season of Homeland comes to a quiet end. We received a rather downbeat premiere here, but ultimately Homeland is showing that while the structure of the show feels like a political thriller, everything important happens in the little moments and little relationships. The chess pieces are in place. Fear rippled through the entire episode, as almost everyone was pushed to accept something very much outside of his or her comfort zone: fear of the unknown, fear of the foreign, fear of honest pain. Carrie and Brody are bound to collide again as the season continues, and their reunion will be explosive; these are two people of endlessly overlapping layers, played by two actors that are endlessly unpredictable in where they can go. I can’t wait to ride this rollercoaster with you all, especially if it ends with Dana wearing an oversized tie-dyed hoodie while strapping a bomb vest to her chest during a family vacation in Gettysburg. Many Patinkin, HOLLA.
[Photo Credit: Kent Smith/Showtime (2)]
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It’s Wednesday! Do you know what that means? It’s the day to spoil yourself with some TV scoop! Leanne Fun-Fact: I like to motivate myself to do work with little treats. (And yes I do realize that makes me sound like a malti-poo trying to learn new tricks.) Six amazingly awesome spoilers got me two bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&amp;M’s and, like, 3 pieces of licorice. (Name it.) So what’s on the menu list today? I’ve got scoop on everything you can expect from Sunday’s sinfully sweet Revenge premiere, a Glee shipper-update from a yummy new cast member, and delicious details on the new season of Mad Men. Plus some exclusive bites from Family Guy, Scandal, and The Mindy Project! Oh and you get 27 brownie points if you can find the Mean Girls reference I’ve Easter egged in here. So go ahead, treat yo’ self! 1. Revenge: Girl, Look at that Body!
I chatted with the wonderful Christa B. Allen Tuesday afternoon about what to expect during the Season 2 premiere. And, basically, I learned that this Sunday’s episode is filled to the brim with all kinds of crazy. When we last saw Charlotte, she was lying unconscious on her bed after having about 15 pills too many, so many fans are dying to know when the fate of their favorite Grayson (or should I say Clarke?) will be revealed. Allen was quick answers, “We’ll know the outcome in episode one. We’ll know this Sunday.” Although many cliffhangers will be tackled during the one-hour drama, viewers can expect to be left with at least twice as many questions. “Season 2 picks up pretty much right where we left off, but it sets it up the same way as in Season 1,” Allen says. “We sort of show you how things end up and then throughout the season we’ll kind of explain how we got there. Not as vague as we did in Season 1, but there is a very important tidbit that you see in episode one that we’ll have to explain.”
Luckily I am really good at these guessing games, because when I suggested a funeral, Allen confirmed, “Oh yes, you do see a body.” Keeping consistent with last year, creator Mike Kelley is keeping things secret but hopefully the explanation behind this “tidbit” is revealed by the season’s half-way point (episode 13) and we won’t have to wait until May. The 20-year-old agrees: “Mike Kelley might drag it out to the end of the season. I’m not sure. This one is too big of a reveal in the first episode, [but] I feel like we have to explain it in the first 13.” Check back at Hollywood.com this Friday for more details on what’s coming up this season on Revenge, including answers on Amanda’s (hopefully fake) baby bump, scoop on Emily’s (Emily VanCamp), mother and whether or not Charlotte will learn who her real half-sister is!
2. Family Guy: May The Odds be Ever in Your Favor!
Season 11 of Family Guy premieres this Sunday and to help get you excited for a brand new year of Peter’s (Seth MacFarlane) shenanigans, I reached out to Executive Producer/Head Honcho Steve Callaghan for some scoop. He reveals, “One of my favorite highlights from the episode involves two of our characters momentarily swapping voices.” Although we’ve seen voice-swapping moments like this in Family Guy’s past, I’ve seen the episode and believe me when I say, this cutaway hits it out of the park! (Ahem, that was a hint.)
Callaghan explains that the episode centers on a quest to climb Mount Everest and, once again, the plot is predictably unpredictable. “During the Griffins' Everest trek, they fall victim to a storm which forces them to takes some very extreme measures to survive.” How extreme? So extreme, that Callaghan says the moment marks “possibly a first for a network sitcom.” Boom! Gauntlet thrown! Your move, ABC. The showrunner also teased that the premiere spotlights one of my favorite Hunger Games stars. Callaghan says, “This episode also features a guest role played by Elizabeth Banks, who plays the uber-competitive wife of Lois' ex-boyfriend.” And after seeing it, I can safely say that she and Effie Trinket would definitely not get along.
3. Glee: Team Finchel or Team Brodchel?!
A few weeks ago, (before I started

Even back in his days as a mild-mannered high school teacher and car wash employee, Walter White had a bunch of people who weren't crazy about him. Now that he's a tyrannical, murderous, psychologically abusive drug lord who will expend his wife, children, and closest friends to feel the slightest bit of glory, his popularity has sunk even further. We already know that Walt has a pretty good chance of biting the dust at the end of Breaking Bad's five-season run. But what we don't know yet is who will take him down once and for all.
There are a handful of pretty substantial theories circling the Bad-o-sphere that pinpoint characters like Jesse, Skyler, and Hank as Walt's ultimate down-takers. But some deeper thinking is called for with a show like Breaking Bad. Maybe whoever it is who finally gives Walt the axe is someone whom fans have long forgotten about? One of the many innocent bystanders in Heisenberg's reign of terror? There's a long list of characters who have been wronged by Bryan Cranston's villainous genius, dating all the way back to the early episodes of the first season.
Hugo the Janitor
The good deeds of the closed-mouthed custodian at Walter's high school did not go unpunished. Walter refused to come forth after Hugo was implicated for Walt's crime of stealing the school's chemistry equipment and then prosecuted for marijuana possession. The good-hearted man went out of his way to take care of Walt when the chemotherapy was waging war on his immune system, and Walt still let him take the heat.
Motive: We don't know how much trouble Hugo got in for his stash of pot, but we're pretty sure he faced jail time. That could warrant some revenge.
Means: Hugo was a pretty big dude, last we saw him. He could easily handle himself against the diminutive Mr. White.
Murderous: Here's Hugo's downfall: he's too good a person. The sweet, sensitive, stoic man embraced Walt when he needed it most not out of personal affinity, but just out of an appreciation for kindness. Hugo wouldn't kill Walt... but should he? The first of Walt's victims returning to exact justice. Now that'd be an ending.
Gretchen and Elliott
Walt isn't exactly on great terms with his ex-girlfriend and old college buddy and Gray Matter co-founder after involving the former in the web of lies surrounding his meth operation. We haven't heard from or about Gretchen and Elliott in a while, but that doesn't mean they're not fostering a good deal of resentment for the nefarious Mr. White. He did, after all, only give a box of Ramen to Elliott for his birthday...
Motive: Meh, they'll get over it.
Means: Boundless; they're filthy rich.
Murderousness: We don't know too much about Gretchen and Elliot, except that they're intelligent, a bit pompous, and that one of them got married to Ross' ex-wife on Friends. They don't seem capable of murder, but then again, neither did Walt. Maybe Gray Matter does something to people...
Mrs. Ortega
Although Walter wasn't directly responsible for the death of Jesse's friend Christian Ortega, better known as Combo, he still played a large part in getting the young man to the point of taking a bullet from a rival drug gang. Combo's mother, Mrs. Ortega (or Mombo), met Walt shortly after her son's passing, and might be able to piece together some semblance of a theory that he is the very same Heisenberg who was using her family's RV to run a meth business, and maybe use this theory to seek vengeance for her son.
Motive: Pretty strong.
Means: She didn't seem all that nimble...
Murderousness: Mrs. Ortega did come off as more of the forgiving type than anything else. She knew her son was in with some bad activity, but how could she turn against him? Of course, this attitude might only be reserved to her own offspring.
Donald Margolis
Donald is another parent who could blame Walter White for his child's death, and one who took the whole thing a hell of a lot harder than Combo's mother did. Donald's daughter Jane died choking on her own vomit right in front of Walt, who refused to help her in order to limit her obstruction of his and Jesse's business. After losing his daughter, air traffic controller Donald inadvertently caused two planes to crash into one another, and then shot himself nonfatally.
Motive: He surely blames Jesse for Jane's death, and would, by proxy, Walt, once the nature of their relationship goes public.
Means: As long as he still has that gun (or knows of a flight Walt plans on taking in the future), he's good to go.
Murderousness: Mr. Margolis was not a patient man with anyone who seemed to be problematic for his daughter. It wouldn't be difficult to imagine him imparting his wrath on the man responsible for her demise.
Brock
Young Brock probably doesn't know the truth about what Walter White tried to do to him (after all, it wasn't Walt himself who imparted the poisonous Lily of the Valley flowers into the little guy's diet). But Brock did seem a bit unnerved by Walt's presence as the meth king sat next to him on Jesse's couch. Maybe the kid just has good intuition.
Motive: At Brock's age, "He started it!" is a pretty popular maxim.
Means: Being so young, Brock wouldn't really be a pro at the killing game just yet. Although his uncle Tomas might have taught him a thing or two...
Murderousness: He does love playing video games. Don't those turn you into a cold-blooded killer, or is that just something parents say?
Bogdan
Ah, Bogdan. Walter White's angry, intolerant old car wash boss who was stripped of his business by his old lackey. Now, Bogdan himself is not the most sympathetic figure on Breaking Bad. We all rooted for Walt when he finally told Bogdan off, insulted his eyebrows, and perhaps even when Walt ousted the man from his longtime job in an effort to manufacture a front for his drug ring. But if Bogdan ever found out about this last ordeal, he might hope to get some revenge.
Motive: His life might well have been ruined by Walt; his career sure was.
Means: He's not exactly doing too well financially at this point, nor does he seem to be the most fit or youthful figure on the show.
Murderousness: Well, he's kind of a prick. So that's a start.
So many have been wronged by Walter White, but only one can take the man down (unless they do some kind of elaborate team effort, where they take turns... you know what? No. Only one). So who will it be? Only a year until we find out... ugh.
[Photo Credit: AMC]
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It was a full 24-hours of victory and sweet, sweet revenge for the Olympic storyline today, this thirteenth day of the games. We had some winners, and some losers--which, I know, is very surprising! Who would've thought: people winning medals at the Olympics! Crazy, huh? We had mostly good news today, so let's get right to it.
GOOOOOOAL!: Holy s**t you guys! You guys, did you see that game?! If you have to even ASK me what game I'm talking about, get out of this post! Why I'm talking about the US women's football (or soccer; whatever you please) team, of course. The ladies battled it out against Team Japan and got the sweetest of revenge for their loss in the 2011 World Cup final. Our Great American ladies beat Japan 2-1 to win their third consecutive Olympic gold medal and fourth overall. If there was ever a time for a USA!/fist-pump combination, now is that time. So let's do it! USA! USA! USA! USA!
Modesty Bolt: When speaking with reporters, very impressive Olympian Usain Bolt was well-aware of his impressive stature after winning a second consecutive Olympic 200 meters title. For those keeping score, Bolt became the first fella to ever win both the 100 and 200 meter races in consecutive Olympics today. "It's what I came here to do. I'm now a legend," Bolt said. "I'm also the greatest athlete to live. I am in the same category as Michael Johnson." You don't say, there, Usain, eh?!
Don't Box Me In: History is being made, you guys! Great Britain's Nicola Adams became the first lady to win Olympic gold in the boxing ring. Not to be outdone, of course Team USA's Claressa Shields followed with the middleweight title, and will no doubt be the talk of her high school when she strolls in there with a gold medal for her senior year. Seriously, a senior in high school? Should I Old Yeller my inadequate self now or later?
Tut Tut! Dressage, Milady!: Great Britain got two medals in the individual dressage event (which is not actually about fashion but about horses!) as Charlotte Dujardin (unfortunately she has no relation to that steamy French gingersnap Jean Dujardin) won gold and Laura Bechtolsheimer nabbed herself a bronze. Hear hear! Jolly good! Sounds like this was really in their wheelhouse. Because, I mean really; are we surprised that the Brits are really good with the horse shenanigans? I mean if they didn't win, we'd all look at them a bit sideways like "Really? You lost that one? But you're British!"
Water Goldo: Hoorays go out to all of the ladies on the US Women's water polo team. Ever since the gals got themselves an Olympic team in the sport 12 years ago, they've won a medal. Except for gold! Well, tonight was their night for victory! Congrats to them.
Ouch!: American Manteo Mitchell should get a gold medal just for being an incredibly badass and super-tough cookie. And if he hadn't been that way, well, our boys on the 4x400 relay team would not still be competing for gold. Mitchell put his team before himself when he felt an unsettling pop in his leg while running. After limping off to the side once he finished his part, doctors confirmed the worst-case scenario: he'd run the last 200 meters with a broken left fibula. Yikes! Someone get this kid an ice pack and an honorary medal. Does he drink? Someone get him something to drink, too, if he's into that sort of thing. He's earned it!
[Photo Credit: WENN.com]
Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes
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Pink is one brazen, sassy broad, and that's why we love her. While her hair — and her name — may be the color of baby blankets and cupcake frosting, "sweet" has never been the first word chosen to describe the rocker. In her new video for "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)," which premiered Thursday on MTV, Pink's kick-ass, take-no-prisoners demeanor is on full display.
Even before watching the video, the song's title and lyrics promise something a bit cheeky. What a great use of parenthesis, Pink, you're so punny. (Because, you know, on the surface you're telling some guy to blow you a kiss, but what you really mean is you want him to just f***k off. I get it! It's funny!) Pink shows that she means business with the lyrics, too, calling her ex out on his crap with lines like, "No more sick, wh*skey dick, no more battles for me." Hell no, you don't have to take that from him!
For all the song's sauciness, the "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)" video begins surprisingly tame. It's black and white, for starters, and the landscape has a sleepy, ethereal quality to it. And Pink's dress! It's Marie Antoinette meets Helen of Troy — and Pink looks soft and pretty. Unusual, right? Good thing it's not long before Pink is stripping down, throwing blood red wine in her stupid boy's face, and enacting a full-blown Carrie revenge on those who jilted her. Attagirl.
By the way, it was polite of Pink not to wear white in the wedding bit. The bride probably appreciated it.
One last note, by about the fourth listen this song takes on a "Call Me Maybe" level of catchiness. Just sayin'.
Follow Abbey Stone on Twitter @abbeystone
[Photo Credit: Sony Music Entertainment]
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Pink Blow Me Video

Award shows are rough. Sometimes, the planets align and the most admirable nominees become thoroughly deserving winners (here's looking at you, Modern Family Season 1); other times, the industry goes into freak-out mode when an unexpected win shakes the system (even Edie Falco didn't know that Nurse Jackie was a comedy!). Then, perhaps, there's the most tragic of all award show misfortunes: the infamous Emmy oversight. These are the cases of the meritorious should-be nominees, the actors and actresses who don't make it onto the ballot, yet whose shows would lack the key ingredients that make them successes in the first place should the non-nominees depart.
What's Parks and Rec without the marvelous, mustachioed Nick Offerman? Revenge without Madeleine Stowe's perfectly icy gazes? It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia without the never-sunny-yet-always-Sweet (Dee) Kaitlin Olson?
Over the last few weeks, our writers have made their case for a host of performers who should have gotten the call from Emmy long ago, but who have yet to be nominated for their often irreplaceable roles on television's best (and sometimes not-so-best) shows. Here are some choice excerpts:
Kelly Schremph on Smash's Megan Hilty (Ivy Lynn): "Hilty brings more to the table than just her musical chops — she (or rather her multi-layered character) also brings tons of drama. Hilty provides a depth to the series in areas where everyone else falls short. She conjures up just as much emotion in her onstage performances as she does to her offstage antics. Ivy has faced a rollercoaster of emotions throughout the first season and, in doing so, has really carried a majority of the plot. Think about it — without Hilty's scene-stealing moments and grand musical numbers, would Smash really be... well... a smash?"
Michael Arbeiter on Happy Endings' Adam Pally (Max Blum): "The humor and the softer side of Max are both attributed to the glorious performance of Pally. He makes the character mean, but lovable. Hilarious, but sad. Max is more than just a wise-cracking sidekick; he's a lonely man, stuck in the only routine with which he's comfortable. The way Pally carries Max through each episode is not only entertaining — it's extremely artistic. He's constantly looking for love all the while pushing it away. And he throws in a handful of Goonies references and sardonic remarks to boot. While everyone on Happy Endings should be applauded, Pally is the reigning champion."
Kelsea Stahler on Parks and Recreation's Nick Offerman (Ron Swanson): "…let us consider that Offerman’s talent extends beyond delivering hilarious one-liners with the anti-gusto that makes his brow-furrowed character who he is — though you’ve got to love the way he grumbles about anything that isn’t steak, whiskey, or breakfast food. His greatest contribution to the character is the fact that he can quite literally steal an entire episode with only a single, fleeting expression… while much of that credit goes to the writers, the creation of any great TV character is born out of a symbiotic relationship between an actor and the folks who put words in his mouth. Without Offerman, there is no Ron Swanson."
Aly Semigran on Girls' Zosia Mamet (Shoshanna): "While other actresses would have been tempted to play too over-the-top or underplay Shoshanna's less attractive qualities (a spoiled rich girl with all the luxuries of Manhattan life at her disposal whose main objective seems to be finding a man), Mamet has carefully crafted her character into a motormouth princess who you would likely avoid in real life, but whose every sped-up word on Girls you hang on to. ('I'm so happy to see you, I could murder you.') Not to mention, she's the most likable one of the bunch… Mamet has made the playful yet nuanced Shoshanna both Girls' colorfully dressed black sheep and the one viewers most want to include in their own gang."
Shaunna Murphy on Mad Men's Kiernan Shipka (Sally Draper): "Shipka manages to steal every scene she's in. Though we love our Peggy, our Ken, and our Joan, it's Sally's experiences that are the most universally relatable, and it takes a very talented actor to make those experiences so emotionally powerful for the adults who went through them decades ago. Shipka makes it seem easy, and though we love Sunday night television's other female teen powerhouse (Game of Thrones' Maisie Williams as Arya Stark), it's Shipka that deserves the Emmy nomination this year. Thanks for making our own adolescence seem a little less terrifying in comparison."
Brian Moylan on Revenge's Madeleine Stowe (Victoria Grayson): "So often on television dramas you see the characters boiling over into histrionics and crying jags and pleading scenes where they're just asking for one man to love her. Never Ms. Stowe. It is all about control with her, not only of the other people around her, but over her own emotions. So often the Emmy goes to someone who is completely unhinged (congratulations on your inevitable victory, Claire Danes), but I think it's time that we bestow a trophy for the rarest of dramatic gifts: restraint."
Alicia Lutes on Veep's Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Selina Meyer): "Louis-Dreyfus has been in the game for ages, so she knows how to jump from cold to vulnerable to tedious to frazzled to sad to uppity to out-of-touch with a fluidity that is rarely seen in even the most practiced of dancers. Timing is everything in comedy, and when your comedic platform discusses the frenzied, constantly-moving multi-headed beast that is politics in America, well, you've got your work cut out for you. But not our girl Julia — oh no, no, no. She is in charge of at least one thing as Selina Meyer, and that is her comedic brilliance. There's no better sort of take-down than a comedy take-down, and home-girl is giving it to us."
Matt Patches on Awake's Jason Isaacs (Det. Michael Britten): "Issacs understands Britten in a way that makes him indefinitely malleable — a key to his ability of slipping back and forth between worlds. The perfect example of Killen's curveball-after-curveball strategy comes when Britten 'loses' his son's reality. Britten's groove is completely thrown off and Isaac sells it. Sometimes it's breakdown, breakdown, breakdown with Awake, but it always works thanks to Isaac's everyman quality. It's hard to imagine the man as the same guy who embodied the dastardly evil of Harry Potter's Lucius Malfoy."
Kate Ward on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia's Kaitlin Olson (Dee): "Credit Olson for being able to make you cheer for a woman you hope never to meet your entire life. She is one of the most unique actresses currently on television, playing a woman with little to no redeeming qualities outside of her ability to heavily binge drink… Not to mention the fact that Olson is one of the most gifted physical comediennes on television. Olson comes from the same school of physical comedy as former Emmy winners Lucille Ball, Debra Messing, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Add that to her spit-out-your-beer delivery of lines like "I will eat your babies, bitch!" and the actress' moxie (Olson once told me that she strongly lobbied for Dee to be just as terrible as the rest of her Paddy's cohorts, and not just act as "the girl" amongst horrible men), and it's hard not to hope that Olson will soon boast the award notoriety of comedy's most talented lady legends."
Kelsea Stahler on Shameless' Emmy Rossum (Fiona Gallagher): "Fiona’s load of issues is too much for one person, and taking on such a character is a feat for only the most talented, nimble actress. Rossum is just that. She tackles the mile-a-minute, inconsistent road of the Gallagher family rock with ease, switching from hot-and-heavy romance to motherly affection to stern, familial protector to losing her mind in the span of a single episode. She struggles with the feminist issue of being the eldest daughter and therefore being charged with the duty of taking her mother’s duty while her brothers frolic with their teenage tryst-mates. Rossum juggles the actress’ equivalent of her character’s harrowing load and she does so flawlessly."
Michael Arbeiter on Community's Danny Pudi (Abed): "While Pudi might be written off as a quirky sidekick character, he’s actually the lifeblood of Community. He’s the character with the most riveting emotional makeup, and quite often the character that commands the biggest laughs. Abed can most likely rattle off every Emmy winner in TV history. If there’s any justice in the world, he’d be adding Danny Pudi’s name to that list this fall."
Alicia Lutes on Parks and Recreation's Aubrey Plaza (April Ludgate): "In the world of comedy these days, awkward is king. And no one makes us feel more uncomfortable than Aubrey Plaza. And we mean that as a total compliment. No one has mastered the art of deadpan quite like her — and on a sitcom peppered with the hyper-enthusiasm of Leslie Knope, Tom Haverford, and her own husband (on the show) Andy Dwyer, her distaste for pretty much, well, everything is a fantastic foil for the show. To make a character like that not seem tedious and overdone is definitely no easy task, and April Ludgate-Dwyer's evolution over the past few seasons has shown her range. She is more than just the sarcastic girl, and for that we love her."
Brian Moylan on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: "That is why RHOBH is one of the best shows on television. It is like a gorgeous palace that was built on a tar pit and everyone once in awhile, the black ooze starts to bubble up all around it and all the ladies pretend like nothing is happening, like we can't see the inevitable disaster, but it's all there, all their hopes and fears, all their shattering omissions, all their deep dark regrets and bad behavior. It's all right there for us to see, and just like Willy Loman, that other great American tragic figure, demands: attention must be paid."
Kelly Schremph on Once Upon a Time's Robert Carlyle (Mr. Gold/Rumpelstiltskin): "…if there's one thing audiences love, it's a challenge. Carlyle gives us something to dissect and continually propels the plot forward with his double-crossing antics. It's impossible to determine which side he's really on, which makes him all the more enthralling and a bit of a wild card. Basically, Carlyle has the uncanny ability to spin character development into gold... The writers may be the creators, but Carlyle brings it all to life, keeping the audience on their toes right up to the very last mischievous laugh."
Aly Semigran on New Girl's Jake Johnson (Nick): "A great straight man stands back and lets the leading lady or pratfall man take the center stage, an unsung hero who effortlessly elevates the material with a biting quip or thoughtful detail. He is the ultimate secret weapon to making an ensemble tick, something Jake Johnson most certainly does every week on New Girl. It's not as obvious or sexy to nominate or reward subtle work, but if anyone is a testament to be an unassuming, unexpected delight, it's Jake Johnson."
[Photo Credits: NBC/FX/Fox]
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Welcome to the crying game. I'm sorry, were you looking for Emily Maynard's season of The Bachelorette? Nope, welcome to The Total Tears Network. TTN. Emily is here, and though she is allegedly on the brink of love, she just is so darn sad. The saddest lady on all of television. Does homegirl get paid by the tear? Because this has already been a pretty weepy season...but tonight really took the sad, sad cake.
Seriously, this whole episode is a series of shots of Emily crying. Look at Emily cry in Curaçao! Look at her cry on the beach, look at her cry in her hotel room, look at her cry in the ocean, look at her cry in a tube of nickels! And by the look of the previews for the finale (in two weeks and on a Sunday no less, as next week is when the dudes all troll us for camera time), it isn't going to get less teary. You see, Emily is sad because she is in love. She is in love with multiple dudes. Which, is apparently a very depressing problem to have! I wouldn't know. You see, Emily loved these dudes' families so much on her hometown dates last week that now she feels bad or something. And well...everything is hard! Living is very difficult. Feelings are so intense—this is an actual thing she said, too! So what better way to reiterate the struggles Emily the Blondest was facing by reiterating—for the 73rd time—why these dudes are all so swell and special and deserve to be there. It's a good reminder, since we haven't been watching this damn show for the past however-many weeks. Nope not at all.
So! Sean would be the best dad ever, apparently. He's funny and muscular and sensitive! Aww shucks. But what about Jef? Well, Jef is a series of clichés! He is his own person! He marches to the beat of his own drum! He has an edge (it is the least edgy edge, ever)! He's got his own style! His hair is very floppy! Everything is fun with Jef! He's quirky! He owns his weird side! He's like a blonde, male Zooey Deschanel! And then there's Arie—he of the instant connection, “sweet Arie” is a funny badboy! Arie is the one that Emily wants to rip the clothes off of the most. Seriously, did they say more than two words to each other the entire time they were together? Their connection is totally sexual AND literal because they literally cannot keep their faces off each other's faces. Their lips actually grafted together from so much contact that they had to cut the scene where they made tie-dye rooster aprons for Ricki because sh*t got real awkward and they had to be rushed to the hospital before they both just inhaled too much carbon dioxide from each other's mouths and died.
Cue hopeful beach walking and a shot of Emily drawing her name in the sand with a “+?” Ugh. You guys, I just cannot. If you could see me right now, you would see me splayed out on my bedroom floor screaming 'I give up!' with my hands flailing about in the air all dramatic-like. Can we stop playing this game where ABC thinks its being cute by suggesting that this baby-and-love-obsessed woman is not going to get engaged to one of the dudes on this show? COME ON. Homegirl is gettin' hitched, y'all! Or at least getting a sparkly Neil Lane ring that she can bounce around North Carolina with, watching the nail techs side-eying her while she gets a manicure for the third time in a week.
Anysh*t! The dates are next. This was undoubtedly the most boring episode of the season. Nothing happened! Literally nothing! They all just yabbered on in the most uneventful way possible. No one said anything of substance. Nothing really occurred at all. Oh, except tears and three dudes sucking up to a child they've yet to meet. It's whatever.
Sean and Emily embark on an adventure in the sky! Ooohhhh...ahhhhh...speciaaaaal...! Then he writes Ricki a letter and Emily cries which is SO surprising because this woman is so totally emotionless don't you think? Oh yeah and Sean finally says I less-than-three you or whatever and it doesn't even matter. Snore. NEXT!
Now let's talk about the fantasy suite, shall we? I'm sorry...The Fantasy Suite. There, that's better. Much better. The Fantasy Suite is always some sort of cesspool of bad taste and bad life decisions. Because what they never say is: “here's a key to a room where the cameras won't be so you guys can finally touch each other's privates!” Because that is what it is. Everyone knows this. Obviously they are not going to sit up all night and braid each other's bangs. And from the constant emphasis on “staying up all night” and wink-wink, nudge-nudge “talk” that Sean was getting at, I figured this would be no different.
BUT NO. Emily had to get all “parental” and “responsible” and “respectable” on us and NOT go to The Fantasy Suite with anyone. Because she's a mom and a lady and she maybe left her diaphragm in her other big pink tote bag. The hilarious way in which all of these denials went down was memorable though. Sean clearly wanted in on that, but Emily was adamant about him leaving. And then Jef, who actually totally would've spent the entire night in The Fantasy Suite braiding his and Emily's bangs while talking about their ~feelings~, actually denied Emily first. Because, you know, family! She's a mom! She was surprised but clearly that just made her want our dear Jef With One F more.
And then there was Arie. Poor, dear, sweet, attractive person Arie. Emily knew that if she even thought about giving him The Fantasy Suite Card®, it would've been a pants-off dance-off no matter what. So she didn't even bring it up! Dang, girl. Hot and heavy, those two. Get a room! Oh wait you can't because har har har DENIED. The best way to avoid temptation, I guess?
Oh yeah, Arie and Jef have dates, too. Jef is on a boat and apparently after talking to his 452 siblings, his parents have decided that they can stop working towards that home planet of their very own and meet the woman that their son wants to marry. How nice of them! Also Emily wants to pack lunches with Jef. Cool?
Arie's date is them making out for 17 minutes and then pretending to swim with dolphins when they were really just getting handsy underwater. He also can't believe that a mom has to wake up before 6:30am because don't kids just sleep all the time like puppies? They're just like puppies, you guys. Party boy might not be ready for real family life. Also when people use the word buddy in relation to children more than three times, I get uncomfortable so maybe he should cool it on that bit. Arie is still my favorite, though—but I think we all know that their intense physical connection is going to end up hurting their chances in the end. Which is the worst because Arie is a dreamboat. But I mean, hey, I saw Trista's season; I know how this works. Ladies on these shows go with their brains rather than their bits.
Then in a shocking twist that no one would've ever seen coming in a million, bajillion years, Emily gets REAL emotional when chatting with OG Chris Harrison. I know! To tarnish his 5 minutes of filming per episode with your salty water is some true story BS, Maynard. But it's OK: to get you back, Chris is going to make you watch the “very private, personal videos” that the dudes made just for Emily. And because they're so private and personal, ABC's going to show them to the entire broadcast audience! Natch. Emily is straight-up maniacally crying now. Revenge is apparently wet. And caring is creepy.
P.S., Emily? I'm waiting for an ugly cry before I think you meant it. Just saying.
The ridiculous and tortuously overdone music is signaling that the next-to-final rose ceremony is upon us. After waiting 32 years between annoucing that Jef and then Arie would get the final two roses, everyone died and then was reborn as ghosts and forced to carry out the remainder of the show because: contracts. Also Emily's outfit is both casual and over-the-top at the same time. For real. Her skirt is like a fancy tube of nickels. There are (TWIST!) more tears as she sends Sean home. Emily says (in what I can only describe as a really awkward consolation prize) “I wanted it to be you, so so bad.” I mean, technically it could've been, right? It was your decision to send him home. But whatever. Details, Alicia!
So there we have it! The only thing that stands between Emily and wedded bliss are a couple of hours of buffoons scratching their balls and howling at each other in the Men Tell All parade of dunces next week. What will we learn other than probably nothing? We'll have to wait and see.
Who do you think is going to take it all? Jef With One F or Arie? (For the record, we totally think Jef is taking this thing.) Let us know in the comments!
[Image Credit: ABC]
Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes
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The Bachelorette

Oh, what a complicated mess you weave, True Blood.
This week, the series finally makes good on its season-long Russell Edgington promise – and it’s about time. I’d wager there’s not a single True Blood fan who’s not tired of seeing Russell covered in a thin layer of blood and mucus and writhing in his clandestine hospital bed. Finally, we get to see him get a little more decent: he’s still writhing around, but with a full epidermis. But while that trouble brews, the rest of Bon Temps is engaged in a series of disjointed, unexplainable magical issues. It’s a veritable surplus of supernaturals. And it’s giving me one helluva headache.
First, we get the plotline we’re most concerned with: Alcide and Sookie. They pick up right where they left off. They’re drunk and hot n’ heavy. They take this little party upstairs and just as they’re about to have sex, Alcide says he’s “waited so long for this” and our collective hearts break in unison. Clearly, Sookie’s making a drunk decision, but poor Alcide’s been holding out for months. And that’s when it happens: Sookie throws up all over his feet and Bill and Eric appear to make an awkward situation unbearable. (And awesome. I could get used to this love square, or is it a parallelogram? It’s been a while since I took geometry.)
Anyway, Bill and Eric aren’t there for some voyeuristic fantasy in Sookie’s head (she’d probably be wearing a ridiculous red negligee and fuzzy little heels if they were). They need Sookie to un-glamour the human – Alcide’s boss, Doug – who was present when Russell was unearthed. Eric is also there to make her feel guilty for dumping them both and moving on with Alcide while he and Bill were left to be tortured by the Authority. He’s clearly a bitter ex-lover, but I think Eric/Sookie shippers would appreciate a little more anger about the whole Alcide thing on Eric’s part.
And he does get angry — he just doesn’t admit that it has anything to do with Sookie. Alcide doesn’t want his boss mixed up in the vampire business and says they should have killed Russell when they had the chance. This descends into unintelligible arguing, made worse by the fact that Sookie hears it all as dogs barking. You tell ‘em sister, all men are dogs! But at least Alcide gets it honestly… and actually. The barking begets Sookie’s uncontrollable laughter, because she’s finally realized after four and a quarter seasons that her life will never go back to being okay. She will always be in some danger and haunted by some ridiculous creature. Welcome to Earth, Sookie Stackhouse. The rest of us have been waiting here for you.
Of course, within this little outburst, she betrays a glimmer of hope for fans of her vampire coupling. She says she thought she'd be okay if she made a decision (and since we’re giddy little television watchers, we’re assuming that’s in reference to Bill and Eric), but it never changes. Does that mean she still wants them, but she chose herself in hopes of making it all go away? (Yes, that’s exactly what she’s saying.) With that (and about a bottle of peach schnapps in her system) she agrees to help the incredibly handsome vampire duo.
And because the True Blood writers love to put characters in the most awkward situations, Sookie arrives with Alcide, Bill, and Eric to un-glamour Doug. She takes a peek inside his head, and in his memory she sees someone approach and sees her necklace: It’s a symbol of the Authority. Bill automatically assumes it is Nora, since she was a female member of the Authority and she’s a Sanguinista. This drives a rift between the loving brotherhood that these two shared for the past four episodes. Well, it was disarming and cute while it lasted.
But, we’re on a Russell-finding mission here, folks. Whie Eric and Bill fight about Nora, we see that she’s still being held in a jail cell and being tortured. If she did free Russell, she got a raw deal. We cut immediately to Salome, who commands that Bill and Eric be put on a 24 hour deadline to find Russell on pain of death. And when she later tries to convince Roman to turn to more outwardly violent tactics against the Sanguinistas, the possibility that the Guardian’s femme fatale is the woman with the Authority necklace lodged deep in Doug’s memory is more and more likely.
As Bill and Eric receive Salome’s cruel command from Molly, the Authority tech expert, Sookie is reading Doug’s mind and giving driving directions to Alcide. Sookie leads them to what any movie fan knows is a breeding ground for supernatural problems of all kinds: an old abandoned hospital. Sookie is also apparently a fan of movies, because she knows splitting up is unsafe and that her “microwave fingers” can come in handy. She storms ahead and Alcide laughs at the overbearing vampires. Look: we all want Sookie to get back with either Bill or Eric, depending on your “team” preference (damn you, Twilight), but it might be a good thing to see Sookie take a little vampire sabbatical with Alcide. He seems to be a lot more about letting his hot-blooded nature inform his decisions and a lot less about telling Sookie what to do.
Finally, after Alcide’s laughter quiets down, they find Russell’s expired and future meals, including a begging, desperate young man hanging from the ceiling. The bodies lead to Russell, who still looks fairly sickly, but with that pesky skin issue miraculously cleared up. Eric does what every horror movie teaches us is a terrible, terrible decision: he gives Russell the revenge/unfinished business speech and as he does so, menacing sound rings out and Russell urges the cocky vamp to “give it your best shot.” Sookie turns in fear and that’s it. Scene. Come on, Eric. How dumb and arrogant are you? If Russell has been ailing, clearly he’s got someone strong, and capable of trapping multitudes of helpless humans, at his disposal. And it’s likely there’s more than one of them. How could they lead themselves into a such a trap? We’ll find out just how screwed they are next week (sigh), but I’d wager they’re upstream without a paddle.
Next: Tara gets her sea-legs... and then some. And while that gang of misfits is busy adventuring, Tara is busy becoming a full-grown vampiress. Pam dresses her up in her vampy attire – which actually looks pretty damn good on Tara, who’s only ever worn ill-fitting cotton tank tops and jeans as far as I can remember – and uses her maker command to force Tara to take the job as her new bartender. But this is Tara, my friends. And as you know, Tara is always, always trouble and hardly does anything without kicking and screaming or acting out first. And right on cue, an innocent little blond girl comes into Fangtasia hoping to be fed on, and Tara jumps right across the bar and does it in front of everyone until Pam grabs and scolds her like the violent, loving parent she is. Pam threatens Tara’s life, because her behavior could shut down Fangtasia, and other than Tara, Fangtasia is the only thing left that connects Pam to Eric.
But that’s a lot of commanding for Tara, whom we know doesn’t deal well with authority or friends who make valid points about how to better run her life. So she pouts in her Pam-hand-me-down corset as Jessica approaches with an offer of friendship. They were both turned against their will and they’re both baby vampires, so they’re stuck in the limbo between makers and humans. Parents just don’t understand, man. After they swap stories about resisting the urge to feed on everyone who walks by and Jessica brags about the wonders of “feeding and f**king at the same time,” Jessica brings the whole concept of vampirism home: they’re going to be young forever and they’re going to live forever. With that power, they can do anything. Of course, it’s not that simple or quite that freeing (just ask the Authority), but Jessica’s fervor and honesty are pretty convincing. Where do I sign up?
Of course, a friendship like Tara and the sweet, bubbly Jessica didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of surviving. It’s minutes before Tara goes outside for a cigarette and finds Hoyt dressed up like the usual desperate fang-banger. He tries to get her to feed on him, but she won’t… yet. He ends his proposition with a self-depreciating outburst about how he’s not good enough for her. And that seals it. While Jessica takes on the young blonde from the bar, Tara takes the neighboring bathroom stall where she feeds viciously on Hoyt until he cries out. And just like that, her friendship with Jessica is destroyed with the emotional equivalent of a torpedo. Jessica hears Hoyt and fights Tara in the girl’s bathroom to protect him – even though he definitely begged for it and made Tara feel bad for not wanting to drink his blood.
This final incident could signal reconciliation between Hoyt and Jessica, but I sincerely hope it’s all on Hoyt’s bullheaded side. He’s a seriously thin character and now that he’s broken up with Jessica, his involvement in the storyline is fairly cumbersome. This is one couple that needs to stay away from any sweaty, drunken midnight hookups. Please.
While Tara and Jessica are getting together and falling apart, Terry and Patrick are being tied up by their old war buddy, Ehlers, who’s demanding to know who followed them there. He’s clearly mentally unstable and Patrick assumes Ehlers torched their other friends from the war. Ehlers holds a gun to Terry’s head and says he saw a fire monster, the Ifrit, kill their friend Keller and his wife. Terry thinks back to the fated night in Afgahinstan when they killed all those civilians and they found one woman who was still breathing. Patrick insisted they kill her, but not before she cursed them with the Ifrit. And after they shot her and burned all the bodies, Terry remembers seeing the fabled Ifrit – which looks a lot like a poor man’s Lost Smoke Monster. When Terry realizes the Ifrit is real, he tries to get all three men to escape, but Patrick traps Ehlers, convinced the man is just a crazy person who’s gone around burning all their houses down. And as Terry and Patrick hash it out, the Ifrit comes and consumers Ehlers. Well, crap. I guess we have to deal with this supernatural nonsense now. It’s simply too big to ignore. And while I will write about this ridiculous plot line, I assure you I am not going to like it.
Next: Jason's fairy pains.But we’ve only talked about approximately sixteen characters, so you know we’ve still got a ways to go. Jason and Andy are both recovering from the fairies’ mind-erasing blast… and they both wake up totally naked. Jason has a dream wherein he imagines himself as a little boy, except it’s still Ryan Kwanten, just dressed in little kid pajamas. He sits down to breakfast with his parents and they start bleeding from their necks because his fairy cousin told him vampires killed his parents. As icing on the cake, they offer him sex as a remedy for what ails him. It’s not hard to unpack this one, folks: Jason is remembering parts of his cousin’s message and he’s still dealing with that whole sex addiction issue, in case you thought that was all sewed up.
And Jason’s head continues to get wonky when he and Andy investigate the deaths of Sam’s shifter friends. They both have shots to the head, but Jason imagines them to have bite wounds on their necks and then he starts remembering everything. The faeries clearly need one of those Men In Black-grade mind erasers, because the microwave fingers trick didn’t work so well. Jason tells Andy that the women are fairies, but Andy is most concerned with being a good boyfriend to Holly, so he wants nothing to do with all this fairy nonsense. But let’s not forget about the ET-finger bond he made with his choses fairy. This will not go smoothly.
To make matters worse, Jason is now convinced that Supes (supernaturals) are killing each other and humans and making it look like accidents as if there’s some sort of supernatural conspiracy swirling around them. He sees the wooden bullets used to kill the shifters and he finishes up his theory by projecting his “knowledge” that vampires killed his parents. And whether or not he’s right, it doesn’t seem to help the other two shifters left in Bon Temps.
Andy interviews Sam about his friends and he’s forced to give up his identity as a shifter in hopes of helping Andy figure out who committed the crime. Andy seems to be sympathetic, but that doesn’t save Sam when he goes to visit Luna and explain the situation to her. After they embrace and he promises to check in on her and keep her safe, he walks outside and is shot by a band of hooligans wearing Obama masks and standing in an old pickup truck. Luna comes outside to help him and they kill her as baby Emma turns into a wolf and runs away.
Poor Sam has the absolute worst luck of anyone on this show. If he’s not being duped by a maenad’s plaything, he’s losing his little brother, or being played by one of the many women in his life. And now, he’s lost Luna. Sam, however, seems to have sustained minimal injuries, so he’ll have the drive and the life force to tell Andy about the shooters, who were clearly after shifters specifically. Could they be werewolves trying to cover their tracks by killing shifters the way a human would? Or are we introducing yet another group of rivals for the already complicated world of dueling vampire mentalities, shifters, werewolves, fairies, and humans? How much more can we take?
Apparently, a lot more. After killing his trusted chancellor, Drew, when he was revealed as a Sanguinista, Roman is mourning Drew and his mainstreaming movement. The betrayal is making him question everything. Salome tries to sexy-walk him into taking a more violent stance against Sanguinistas – until now, he’s resisted militarizing against the opposing viewpoint because it doesn’t fall in line with the humanistic approach that mainstreaming is based on. Though he’s annoyed when she brings it up, he later brings the council together and says a masked version of the age-old phrase “You’re either with us, or you’re against us.” Vampires can either return to the old world ways of using humans as snacks and hiding in the shadows, or they can promote mainstreaming and live with the humans. Salome’s sinister grin and the presence of an Authority necklace at Russell’s unearthing signal even further that Salome may be behind everything. The only question is why would she work so hard to instigate such a large-scale battle between the two sides?
And while we’re weighing perplexing sociological questions about vampires and humanity, Lafayette is still dealing with his “funky brojo shit,” unfortunately. In his madness, he wakes up and sees Jesus’ head trying to speak through his sewed shut mouth on his living room table. At the same time, Lafayette’s mother wakes up in the middle of the night and sees the same thing in her hospital bed, but she seems to actually understand Jesus’ message. This is another example of the series having too little time to explain what the hell is going on, but I’d bet you a vial of V it’s going to be a giant mess.
While the Russell problem, the Authority battle, and the ever present question of “Who is Sookie Stackhouse Kissing This Week?” are progressing just as we’d like them to, all these extraneous stories about fire monsters and dark magic are bringing us down. Even the fairy complications are mind-curdling, but considering Sookie is a fairy, it’s obviously an issue we can’t do away with completely. Let’s hope for sanity’s sake that this surplus of supernatural happenstance gets cleaned up quickly so we can focus on what’s important. All these extra storylines are killing the pleasant buzz I got from seeing Alcide in all his shirtless glory for the first 30 seconds of the episode.
Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler
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You love them, we love them, and it's high time Emmy recognized them. We're talking about the TV actors and actresses who have yet to be recognized by the Academy of Television Arts &amp; Sciences, despite drawing us in week in and week out with their awe-inspiring ability to make us laugh, cry, or a weird combination of both. So every day here at Hollywood.com, we're going to be saluting those on the small screen who deserve an Emmy nomination, longshot status be damned. Today, we cast our ballot for It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia star Kaitlin Olson.
It's no simple feat to name the funniest female on television. In fact, in the past 10 years, the TV landscape has been so friendly to men's other half — green-lighting sitcoms and series starring women as hilarious as they are unconventional — it's no wonder they call it the "boob tube." Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Sofia Vergara... how can one choose a favorite?
But if I had to name the funniest lady on television, I would choose young Ursula Parker, who plays Louie's precocious daughter Jane, the only kid on TV who truly nails the adorable assholery parents experience on a daily basis with their children. But as much as I'd love for the young Parker to score a well-deserved Emmy nomination ("I... am... BORED!" has become as much of a catchphrase in my household as anything ever uttered by Jerry Seinfeld), she neglected to submit for one in 2012. So, instead, I have no choice but to root for the second funniest female on television: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia's Kaitlin Olson.
And I'm glad I'm getting the opportunity to salute Sweet Dee, the series' vain, sadistic, and alluringly vulnerable female pro(or is it an?)tagonist. After all, Olson has been tragically under-appreciated during It's Always Sunny's seven-season run. Blame society's apprehension to truly admit a woman can be just as funny (or funnier) than her male co-stars. Or blame, far more simply, the scene-stealing prowess of Charlie Day. But just watch Season 7's "Sweet Dee Gets Audited" for proof of how much Olson deserves special recognition apart from the ridiculously talented cast. We're talking about an actress who can take any delicate, sensitive subject, and expertly pervert it into shocking storyline that makes you wonder whether 22 minutes of television could send you straight to hell. And, yet, after all that, you're still rooting for Sweet Dee.
Credit Olson for being able to make you cheer for a woman you hope never to meet your entire life. She is one of the most unique actresses currently on television, playing a woman with little to no redeeming qualities outside of her ability to heavily binge drink. Still, Olson brings a certain depth to Sweet Dee that allows Sunny fans to justify the character's outlandishly terrible behavior. Perhaps that's because over the course of seven seasons, Olson has managed to morph Sweet Dee into our id, our inner (aluminum) monster who would follow through on the basest of revenge-seeking actions if given the opportunity. Sure, she lashes out against her own loved(?) ones after getting in with the cool kids in "The High School Reunion," but after enduring a decade of scoliosis-themed taunts, wouldn't anyone succumb to peer pressure weakness? Sure, she applies to become a surrogate (and eventually does become one) purely for the cash, but who hasn't had pondered just what it would take for us to act on an immoral get-rich-quick scheme? And, sure, she takes a dumpster baby to a tanning booth in order to make him more attractive to modeling agencies, but... okay, so there are some things we just wouldn't do. (Of course, we're not everyone.)
Not to mention the fact that Olson is one of the most gifted physical comediennes on television. In fact, I started rooting for her future Emmy chances the second I saw her roll down a hill (and channel Grape Stomp Lady) in "The D.E.N.N.I.S. System." The manic laughter, the clumsy feet, the way she can keep up with an Air Dancer... Olson comes from the same school of physical comedy as former Emmy winners Lucille Ball, Debra Messing, and Louis-Dreyfus. Add that to her spit-out-your-beer delivery of lines like "I will eat your babies, bitch!" and the actress' moxie (Olson once told me that she strongly lobbied for Dee to be just as terrible as the rest of her Paddy's cohorts, and not just act as "the girl" amongst horrible men), and it's hard not to hope that Olson will soon boast the award notoriety of comedy's most talented lady legends.
So why hasn't Olson — or any of her Sunny co-stars for that matter — ever been nominated after seven seasons on the air? The Academy certainly hasn't held back on rewarding horrible characters in the past. (See: Louis-Dreyfus' Elaine on Seinfeld, Jane Lynch's Sue Sylvester in Glee.) Though there's no justification (I have many times thought of unleashing Night Man on the Academy after their snubs), I'm hoping the Academy's new outlook on cable will spell bright things for Sunny, especially after fellow FX dweller Louis C.K. found himself nabbing a deserved nomination in 2011. If the Emmys continues on this trend, perhaps Olson will not be such a longshot. And wouldn't that be Sweet (Dee)?
Follow Kate on Twitter @HWKateWard [Image Credit: FX] More:2012 Emmy Longshots: The VPOTUS Herself, Julia Louis-Dreyfus 2012 Daytime Emmy Award Winners: See the List Here! 2012 Emmy Longshots: Smash Singing Sensation Megan Hilty
It's Always Sunny

If there's anyone who knows a thing or two about having to prove himself when the odds are stacked against him, it's Eli Manning. The two-time Super Bowl champ went in to last night's Saturday Night Live with the task of living up to great athlete hosts of SNL past, including his older brother Peyton Manning.
While Lil' Manning has always seemed like a sweet and approachable kind of fellow, Big Bro has been seen as the mainstream star thanks to his funny turns in commercials and, yes, SNL. Of course, if there's anything the New York Giants quarterback does best, it's defy expectations. (Just ask the New England Patriots.)
Kicking things off with a surprisingly funny cold open that poked fun at Fox &amp; Friends and Rupert Murdoch (of course, anything in comparison to yet another bland Mitt Romney sketch seems downright hilarious) first-time host Eli soon took the stage of Studio 8H and looked poised to take New York City by storm...again.
The relaxed Manning performed a solid, though not particularly daring opening monologue about being a "real New Yorker," in which he suggested that tourists do things like see Cats on Broadway and go to New Jersey for some authentic Italian food at the Olive Garden. Which is completely ridiculous because all real New Yorkers know there's an Olive Garden in Times Square.
After a faux commercial for Amazon shopping on Mother's Day, which served as a horribly embarassing reminder to not get our moms a Kindle or Fifty Shades of Grey, Manning got his first real shot at showing off his comedic chops during the motion-capture Madden video game sketch. Taran Killam made a brief, but welcome return as Tim Tebow and Jay Pharoah shimmied into his Victor Cruuuuuuuz impression, but it was Eli who ran away with the whole thing playing himself. While SNL tapped into the aw-shucks quarterback's vanilla charms, that didn't make them any less funny. Case in point: Eli not being able to come up with a cool end zone dance and instead mimed drinking water, brushing flowing hair, hugging himself, nervously throwing a grenade, and the big winner, eating a sandwich. One can only hope that by next season Manning actually does some of these on the field. Check it out: Good guy Eli took the backseat for the next sketch in which he played a man on trial who was only truly guilty of mass sexting (a nice little jab at some of his NFL cohorts, eh?) and sketchy internet history searches. The football star easily kept up with the comedic pacing of the sketch and his faces for text message emoticons were the things gifs were made for. But it was his turn as the butt-kicking superhero for little brothers everywhere that followed that solidified his spot as one of this season's best and one of the best athlete hosts. Rivaling Peyton's classic United Way sketch, an ad for Eli's "Little Brothers" program, which consisted of the sports star helping younger brothers everywhere get revenge on their torturous older siblings ("I'm your worst f***ing nightmare," he warns one) was the surefire crowd-pleaser SNL has needed all season. Watch it below, and "learn to treat your brother with respect, Peyton": : Of course, Eli couldn't save the day all night. Manning played an Occupy Wall Street organizer in Bill Hader's rare misfire, the frequently used, but infrequently funny Herb Welch bit (sorry, but Drunk Uncle is the only crotchety voice of reason on SNL) and later as a guy trapped in a game show nightmare for the unnervingly outdated 'What Is This' sketch. (Women are clingy! Get it?!) Worst though came when Lil' Manning ignored our warning to NOT wear a dress for a sketch when he donned a gaudy yellow frock and a huge wig for an eye roll-worthy sketch about a drag competition. A drag, indeed. Still, they were the rare blips for an episode that was packed with highlights, including a short, but touching tribute to the late Adam Yauch. Much like how they paid tribute to Whitney Houston earlier this season, SNL paid their respects to The Beastie Boys member by showing a snippet of their visit to the show when they performed their classic "Sure Shot." Then there was the surprise cameos during Weekend Update from Sacha Baron Cohen, in character as General Aladeen, as well as Martin Scorsese as himself, being held hostage in order to talk about The Dictator. While Cohen's General Aladeen stunts felt dated by the time he dumped "ashes" on Ryan Seacrest at the Oscars, it's always fun to watch a legendary director poke fun at themselves and their work ("You think this is torture? I had to sit through Aviator") which SNL has done for the past two episodes, first with Steven Spielberg and last night with an equally game Scorsese. See it here: For whatever reason SNL opted not to use Rihanna for any sketches, despite her previous turn in the viral favorite "Shy Ronnie." Instead, the songstress sang two songs (or, as appearances would have it, lip-synched) during her turn as last night's musical guest. While there wasn't anything terribly memorable from Rihanna's performances of "Birthday Cake" or "Where Have You Been", aside from the pop star's enviable bod or those incredibly over-the-top set pieces, it was refreshing to see a musical guest who wasn't afraid to show how much fun they were having. Rihanna cracked smiles during both of her performances, which was more infectious than either of those songs. The latter half of the show, as is so often the case with SNL, took a turn for the weird with the polarizing Helga Lately sketch. Twitter seemed to be split straight down the middle with folks who found the Swedish version of E!'s Chelsea Lately inspired or grating (while Eli's Swedish football player and the idea of "Jersey Fjord" made me chuckle, I found myself leaning towards the latter.) The host ended the night on a high note, er, so to speak, with a Cheech &amp; Chong sketch in which Eli played an "all-American wet blanket" who tries to put an end to the weed-smoking duo's fun. Don't worry Eli, the last thing you did last night was put an end to anyone's fun. In fact, viewers should have been awfully proud of you, baby bro. This one was a real winner. Do you agree that Eli Manning did a solid job as a surprisingly impressive host who was willing to poke fun at his gee-whiz persona? Or were you underwhelmed by him? What was your favorite part of the night? Least favorite? What did you think of Rihanna's performances? Was it all about Martin Scorsese for you or Kristen Wiig's take on the New Jersey tanning mom? Sound off in the comments section below! [Photo credit: NBC] More:
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