Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

Going to give "tough love" a try....

This did not work with my daughter (GD's mother) but I'm just so exhausted trying everything else. GD turned 18 at beginning of month. She has been acting worse and worse, lies about everything, takes things, swears and yells at me whenever I try to talk to her about anything, lays in bed all day instead of doing school, up at night keeping us awake, and on and on.
Some of the things are so odd, that I can hardly comprehend them. Example: 2 weeks ago I decided to make Manwiches with ground turkey for dinner. GD doesn't like this so I was making separate meal for her after asking what she'd like and her saying "I don't know." I knew I had a large can of Manwich and ended up taking everything out of my pantry cupboard because I knew I had seen it recently. Finally gave up and made something else. Yesterday I heard her screaming hysterically in her room so raced in there thinking someone had surely died! She sobbed there had been a spider on her bed. So I looked around her filthy room filled with paper plates, empty Gatorade bottles and other rubbish. I then got down to check the floor for the spider in question. Sitting next to her desk on the floor was the large can of Manwich. I calmly asked why she had this in her room and she said "I don't know." I took it and threw it in the garbage as the can didn't look clean.

This is one of the only answers she ever gives me. Along with "I haven't seen it. I didn't touch it. It's hard to explain. and None of your business!"
It's a huge struggle to make sure she is ready to leave for appointments and she treats me horribly in the car on the way there and back. She agrees to go to movies, out to dinner or to stores to get things she needs with us, but either refuses to get out of bed or cancels at the literal last minute.
When she runs out of make up, she takes mine then denies it. (I have been buying all of her make up for her but she needs to be with to get it.) She uses my razor when hers is dull even though there are new ones in the cupboard. She uses my hairbrush even though she has 4 of her own. She uses my tweezers and bends the tips. Then she denies touching any of these things. I now have to keep my things in our bedroom instead of the bathroom I share with her. She continues to over fill the bathtub and it's leaking into the basement. She also denies this, of course.

She is still planning to move to Australia to live with her boyfriend. We refuse to buy her ticket but have been giving her money for her grades, Christmas and her birthday. Since December she has been given $700, mostly from us, but some from relatives for her recent birthday. She has spent it all except for paying $120 for her Visa. I don't want her to work during school because she barely manages her classes as it is. (Partly from still recuperating from brain tumor removal 3 years ago.

She lies and lies to her psychiatric nurse practitioner, so when I took her in two weeks ago with these concerns, I was told that she was acting rational, did not need any testing (as I requested), that the problem was "our relationship" and my favorite "Your guardian papers are up." And "You need to just support her." Argghhh.... This actually made me cry.

I love her Psychologist, but since GD is SO dishonest with her, I haven't seen much improvement.

I told GD on Saturday that I was closing her bank account connected to mine and would help her open a new one. She opened to the new one Saturday.

This morning I got up, closed the connected account, canceled her Psychologist appointment and Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner appointments this week. I do not want to be in the car with her.

Last evening I asked her to throw out all of the garbage in her room and sweep or vacuum her floor. She said she was too afraid of the spider. I offered to do it for her, she refused. When she went back in her room to hang out with BF on Skype, I again reminded her about garbage. She screamed at me. I then told her if it wasn't done today I was shutting off her cell phone. She said "I don't care."

She is still in bed at 12:30p today. I will give her 1 hour after getting up to get rid of the garbage and if she doesn't, I'm shutting off her phone.

My husband, who has always adored her, wants her to leave. She does not know this as it would hurt her. Last night she was screaming at me telling me it was my fault she didn't have enough money to buy her ticket, how I was ruing her life, etc. I said "If you hate me so much, why don't you go live with your mother?" This was probably not appropriate but I am at the end of my rope.

I was thinking that all of you grandparents who would give anything to have custody of your grandchild, probably think I shouldn't be complaining. I totally understand. For 6 years after losing custody of her back to her mother, I felt the same and prayed about her and cried for her daily. Now I just feel I'm too late to make a difference and it's breaking my heart.

Hope, it is too late. She is legally an adult. You need to let her be one. She does need help but you cannot determine what kind of testing or therapy she needs. She may be a candidate for a facility where she can live in, attend classes therapy. She would have to admit herself as an adult.

You should also seek a therapist to deal with your feelings of guilt. It is it your fault but right now you are enabling her. I know it will be hard but it is the only way you can change things. You also might look into effects of-shirt of briain surgery. Even if tumor is gone, there may be damage that may be due to brain tumor. As I have told you previously my daughter suffered from tumor when she was 20 so I understand what you are going through.

Thanks Daisy. I know you are right. It's so hard to stop worrying just because she turned 18.

Her Neuro Psychologist and her Psychologist and her Neuro Oncologist all feel that her behavior is not due to her brain tumor but to her depression, anxiety and PTSD.

We cannot put her out in he street and she doesn't have any place to go even though she tells me daily how I am ruining her life and she can't stand me. I do not know where this comes from since I rarely say anything at all to her and try to stay out of her way. I will keep praying she'll graduate from her online high school.

Hope, 12 years ago our biological son walked out of our lives. No reason. The day before he was hugging us and saying what a wonderful family we had. We've tried to talk to him but he refuses. His wife has as always ignored us. My daughter found out they had a child. We were never notified and have never met our granddaughter. I've pleaded with him to talk but he refuses. He is so full of anger it breaks my heart. It is a hopeless feeling but there is nothing I can do. For awhile I physically hurt and learned what as broken heart feels like. I finally accepted that there is nothing I can and I need to be here for the rest of my family. I had to let go. Last July I was diagnosed with arterial fibrillation and the doctors said I must reduce e my stress. I still pray for my son. I'm know we gave him secure, happy environment but he must realize himself that he could mend things. I know how helpless you must feel but sometimes there is nothing we can do. Your granddaughter is going to do what she wants to do. If she doesn't graduate she will suffer when she wants to get a job. I understand you can't put her out. I would feel the same. Fix what you want for dinner and let her decide if she wants to eat. Only give her small amounts of money. If she needs something give her enough money to buy it and tell her you need a receipt. If she yells at you, turn your back on her and walk away. Don't blame yourself. You've done what you can. She must take res poo sensibility for herself. You are not alone in this as many of us have suffered similarly. This is a good place to come with your frustrations. God bless you on this path you did not choose to follow.

Redhead, I hear your point. A couple of weeks ago we had a family meeting. I set some house rules and told her the consequences of not following them would be her removal from the WiFi.

She has been extremely respectful since then! It feels like a miracle! And every time she does something I ask her, I praise her. And I praise her for not doing the things we asked her not to do. AND she doesn't swear at me anymore!!!!

An example is I told her that we could not force her to go to sleep at night but we don't want to hear anything after midnight. Now if she talks to Australian BF she types.

I too hope things are still improving. The best advice I saw was daisyduck's. She is 18. She is an adult. Hard as it may be you may need to let her go to BF is that's what she wants. The hardest thing is not rescuing them.

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