It's My Fault - And I'm OK With That

I have a friend who's currently going through a separation and divorce, and she reached out to me for advice on how to speak to her teenage daughter about the situation. Apparently, her daughter had asked her whose "fault" it is that a divorce is in the works.

Ouch.

The diplomatic answer is, of course, "It's both our fault." To some degree, and in most circumstances, that's true. I'm lucky because Anna only asked that question once, the day after we told her that her Daddy was moving out. I gave her the generic, "Oh, honey, we both decided and we talked about it a lot before we made the decision." The truth of the matter is much more difficult to explain, and it wasn't an explanation she could hear (in its entirety) at that age, or even at the age she's at now. Maybe not even ever, unless she can learn something from the telling of it.

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The truth is, we both are responsible for hurting each other. We both are responsible for doing things - or not doing things - that added to the breakdown of our marriage, but when push came to shove, the one who asked for and insisted on the divorce was me.

Me.

In my defense, I didn't feel like I had a lot of choice. He would have cheerfully remained married to me as long as I was willing to stay just as we were: miserable and pretending that by ignoring our issues, things would eventually get better. I knew I couldn't live that way anymore. I knew I deserved more out of marriage and out of life. And believe it or not, I felt like he deserved that, too. It was obvious that after more than a quarter of a century together, we were very different people now, who wanted and valued very different things in life. It had always been that way, really. I was just too afraid to speak up for myself and I thought always being the one to give in showed him how much I loved him. Instead, it showed him I wasn't worthy of his respect, and often, his consideration.

So it turns out my failed marriage is my fault. Not completely my fault, but my fault all the same. And I'm OK with that realization now. The lessons I've learned have been life-changing, really, and not in entirely bad ways.

Did it take you awhile to see your own faults, when you looked back on your marriage? Did the lessons you learned help you as you moved on to other relationships?