I have a few, probably not to everyones taste, but they make me laugh:
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Imagine my joy when I was getting out the christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.

Such a pity it was a puppy.
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The morning after christmas, two brothers are in front of the tree.

"So what did you get?" asks the first.

"I got a PSP, a bike, four model cars, ten action figures, the new Playstation 3, ten games for it, and loads of cool t-shirts and clothes. You?"

"I got a pair of socks and a Spiderman toy."

"Is that it?"

"Well yeah, but I don't have leukaemia."
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When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the Door, and there was a little angel with a great big christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the christmas tree.
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On christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is Little Johnny on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the Little Johnny, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Little Johnny replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

Little Johnny takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring Little Johnny, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

Little Johnny continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
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Once upon a time Santa was rushed to get ready for Christmas. He had told Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch to bring along. He also told the elves to have all the Christmas presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed by 5:30.

At 5:30 the following morning Santa Claus awoke and jumped out of bed furious with Mrs. Claus for NOT wakeing him up on time! Santa's mood only got worse when he realized Mrs. Claus had NOT fixed breakfast or lunch!! Santa then ran out to his sleigh only to see that the elves had NO presents packed and the reindeer were running wild in the pasture!!!

About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree. Santa tried to ignore since he wasn't his jolly old self.

But, the angel spoke up and said, "Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?"

A father asked his young daughter what she would like for Christmas.She said that she wanted more than anything else was a baby brother.And it so happened that on Christmas Eve her mother came from hospital clutching a baby boy.
The following year,the father again asked his daughter what she would like for Christmas."Well" she replied,"If it's not too uncomfortable for Mummy,I'd like a pony."

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by'
date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

Click to expand...

Why Santa can't possibly be a man:

a. Men can't pack a bag
b. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
c. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves
d. Men don't answer their mail
e. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in just as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly"
f. Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them
g. Having to do the Ho-Ho-Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women
h. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

You must be very surprised that I am writing you today the 26th of Decembre. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for speakers, a new motor transport, a hat, and strings for my guitar so I can go on tour. I destroyed my brain and my hands practicing and composing the whole year.

Not only did I do well but I got the highest response of anyone else and I even got the highest grades in the classes I took. I am not going to lie to you but there was no one else in my neighborhood that was as kind and considerate as me, or did as much for the community as I have. I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I would do for the benefit of humanity with my own self-sacrifice. And as you know my band was going to put out a Xmas record and dedicate it to you.

What balls you have leaving me a fuckin' yoyo, a lame whistle and a pair of ugly socks! What the fuck were you thinking you fat prick! Have you forsaken me for some sucker the whole damn year to con out with some shit like this underneath my Xmas tree! And as if you had not fucked me enough you gave those little quiffs down the block so much shit they can hardly even go into their house! Don't let me see you next year trying to fit your fat ass down my chimney - I'll fuck you up! I will throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you will have to walk back to the North Pole, just like I would have to do since you did not get me that motor transport. FUCK YOU SANTA! Next year you will find out how bad I can really be, you fat cocksucker.

Sincerely

Lil' Joey

Santa's Response:Dear Lil' Joey, Be thankful for what you did get. Remember, we know when you are sleeping. We know when you're awake. We know when you've been bad or good. And lastly, we know what you do in the shower, and it really upsets Mrs. Claus. Santa.

10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

He is not having a potty on that sliegh so he cannot digest is poopies and it all gets stored for the summer while he sleepy byes zzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZ yawn any ways he cant fill in his suit and his storys YAY!!!

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