Diana Boggia: Which family strategies from 2009 have you tried?

Tuesday

Raising self-confident, thoughtful children can be a challenge, but, as proven by those who have tried them, there are strategies to help each child learn and grow when we parent with love.

As the year comes to a close, I thank all the parents, grandparents, teachers, counselors and others who have taken time to share their success stories using positive parenting strategies from this column. Raising self-confident, thoughtful children can be a challenge, but, as proven by those who have tried them, there are strategies to help each child learn and grow when we parent with love.

I’ve listed some of my favorites. Send in your vote for the most successful strategy you’ve tried.

1. Watch your language!

Speak in positives. Tell your child what you DO want him to do, not what you DON’T want him to do. Give clear directives. Eliminate requesting, negotiative language (“Please” and “OK?”) at the end of sentences. Start your directives with a touch and “It’s time to ... .” Eliminate “We” when saying “we don’t do that,” because “WE” didn’t do it, the child did. Keep the focus on the child. Praise your child for the exact behavior you want to increase. “I’m so proud of you for ... .”

2. Building independence builds self-esteem

Encourage your child to participate in household tasks. Prepare meals together and assign daily jobs, even for a 3-year-old, such as setting a table or feeding the cat. Patiently show each step (opening cans, using a spoon, rinsing and recycling the can). Job responsibility develops independence and self-esteem. Children with high self-esteem have fewer misbehaviors.

3. HALT! hungry, angry, lonely, tired

When a child is experiencing one or more of those feelings, it is likely that his behavior will deteriorate, and you will experience a meltdown. Watch closely and address any concerns you might have to avoid an avoidable tantrum. Pack snacks for errands so your child doesn’t become hungry. Provide emotional support and physical reassurance when he is angry or upset to help him identify and self-regulate his emotions. Provide stimulating activities to ensure your child’s inquisitive growth. When we’re tired, we’re cranky. A child who is sleep-deprived will display greater misbehaviors than a child who is well rested.

4. Defusing tantrums

Providing empathy with indifference helps a child to feel understood and loved, while we as parents continue to set a boundary and remain firm. “I understand you’re upset and want to go outside now (shows empathy and understanding). As soon as you finish your dinner, I’ll take you outside and push you on the swing (indifference/maintaining a boundary).”

5. Timing is everything

Set a timer for yourself, several times per day, to complete simple tasks (getting the mail, writing bills, preparing a meal). When the timer goes off in earshot of your child, say out loud, “Time for me to ... .” Model for your child that when the timer goes off, it’s time to do something. After modeling multiple times per day for a week, set the timer for your child. When it goes off, say, “It’s time to go to the park,” or something fun your child will want to do. Then, praise him for listening to the timer.

Wishing you all a healthy and happy new year, and hoping to hear from you!