November 12, 2012

NEW YORK GIANTS QUARTERBACK ELI MANNING REITERATING HIS WISH THAT MAMA'S FAMILY RERUNS WERE STILL ON TV.

CINCINNATI, OH — Following Sunday’s 31-13 loss to the Bengals in which Eli Manning was sacked four times and threw two interceptions, the embattled New York Giants quarterback asserted that he thought season 3 was the best season of Mama’s Family, the sitcom that ran from 1983-1990 on NBC and in syndication.

November 9, 2012

In the fine tradition of American democracy, over a hundred and twenty million voters headed to the polls on Tuesday to choose the next president of the United States and to set a new path going forward into our collective future. Just promise me that you won’t tell me how it ended, because I DVR’d it and won’t have a chance to watch it until tonight.

Normally, I would have watched it live, but I had a pretty intense abs workout on Tuesday, and after a short jog all I really wanted to do was veg out and catch up on the last few episodes of Breaking Amish, which were excellent, by the way.

November 6, 2012

I understand that this is normally where I’m supposed to concede to my opponent, with no conceivable way for me to pick up the Electoral College votes that it would take to be elected president. But, this time, let’s do something different.

Here’s the deal I’m offering you, President Obama: I will give you this one if you agree to go 2 out of 3 with me. We can stop counting the votes right now, declare you the winner of the first election, and we’ll start running again immediately. This has been a lot of fun, so why don’t we just keep it going for a couple more quick elections?

One-and-done is a pretty stupid way to pick a president anyway, don’t you think? Let’s have another debate next week, and everyone can vote again before Thanksgiving, and if we need to do a third, we’ll knock it out before Christmas.

This is pretty easy to do, if you think about it. Surely you can squeeze this into your schedule. What do you say? …