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Monday, May 7, 2012

Avenging my Lack of Pennies

Intergalactic Space Kitty, unite!

Ma-Ti, unite!

Sprocket, my cat, unite!

BreakMentalDouglas, unite!

Bob, the splendid Craigslist Breadmaker
I purchased that didn't result in me getting stabbed to death in a
vicious Lifetime Movie inspired stabathon, unite!

Split infinitives, to aggressively
unite!

Lasers.

Break Mental Douglas, unite!

Why are all these vague concepts
uniting? Because there's a great looming world threat, and only with
the assemblage of these famed avengers can it be overcome.

Watching “The Avengers” this
weekend, and seeing how it made a record $207 million dollars at the
domestic box office, I knew I needed to unite everyone in the BMD
canon. Sure, I might not make untold millions of dollars, but my goal
is to bring in untold millions of pennies.

And as a brief aside, when my pennies
do arrive, I definitely plan on building a giant vault so I can swim
around naked in them. I can even see naked penny swimmer adding to
the list of characters I can use and exploit. Sure, you might claim I
stole this idea from Scrooge McDuck, but I can justify it because HE
stole the concept of Dewey from Huey, and this will serve him right.

Now the main question is what can this
group of adequately motivated superawesomes do? Well, they have no
overlap, they have no reason to exist together and there's no Jeremy
Renner. That right there is the perfect combination. We don't even
need to give them moivation for anything. Hell, the entire movie
could be dramatic recitations of “Jersey Shore” scripts and would
be an unparalleled success. We might even dip don to “Laguna Beach”
and still be successful.

But I suppose I should bring them
together for a reason, and I have the perfect idea. It won't so much
be a person as a concept. If I ever achieve an adequate amount of
sleep, none of these characters would exist. Not even Ma-Ti, who I
don't even own the copyright to. Just imagine the drama that will
come about when battling this illy defined thing. Bob the Breadmaker
will turn out caffeine-laden loafs and Time Warner's lawyers will say
“... seriously?”

That's not even considering the strife
that will occur within the group. Because lord knows there'll be
strife, a bucketload of it. More strife than you've ever seen. Just
imagine Sprocket taking on Intergalactic Space Kitty. They'll
automatically hate eachother, because Sprocket will assume the Space
Kitty will want to eat his kibble, and this won't be far from the
truth—Intergalactic Space Kitty will want to eat the entire galaxy,
which includes Sprocket's kibble supply. Sprocket will kill it before
it CAN eat his kibble.

Wait, what? We killed off a main
character way to up the stakes BreakMentalDown avengers. The real
Avengers merely killed off a supporting character. Real Avengers,
consider yourself one upped. Oh, and spoiler alert.

Ahhh heck, I won't bother actually
bringing them together. I imagine I'll probably just go see the movie
again. I love the part when Hulk smashes.