Thursday, May 24, 2012

“There is no
justification in human nature for treating children, from birth, with any less
respect or equality than that accorded to older people. Children are people,
fully and without qualification.” –Daniel Greenburg, author

I remember one of the first times I realized that my
son was more than just an extension of myself. He had started pre-K and his
teacher described to me an incident where he was holding on to a little boy’s
arm and wouldn’t let go, despite the other child’s tearful protests.

I was a helicopter parent
for much of my son’s first few years (sorry, kiddo!) so I knew that I certainly
didn’t teach him to grab other kids. I was both amazed and somewhat embarrassed
that my child clearly had a mind of his own and did what he wanted, completely
separate from me and beyond my control. It took time and lots of practice to
not become irate every time I got a report from a teacher that deviated from
what I thought I had drilled into my child’s head and what I assumed he would
do—because, after all, I told him to do it!

Now that he’s older, the
things that come out of my son’s mouth are sometimes brilliant, other times side-splitting
funny, and occasionally, because he is a human being, and a small one at that,
can be inappropriate, and even hurtful. As stunning and jarring as that can be,
I’ve come to terms with it. He lives in his own world and I feel lucky to be
able to be a part of it, alternately conversing with him, laughing with him,
and correcting him. My husband and I are enjoying my daughter’s emerging
commentary and sense of humor immensely, and know that she’s well on her way to
letting us in on her own world as well.

If there is one aspect of my
parenting that I can say has most definitely evolved, it’s realizing that children
are their own people. From the time they were very small, my children have had
their own feelings and thoughts, and as they’ve gotten older, those have turned
into very real ideas, opinions, and even values—and there is a good chance that
many of them are, or will be, different from my own. Even though my kids are
only seven and three, they have made their likes and dislikes very clear. Their
interests vary and they have mood swings and many different emotions, just as
adults do. Even my newborn is able to communicate her likes and dislikes quite
clearly.

Well, duh, you may be
saying. Obviously children are their own people. Obviously their needs have to
be met and respected, just as any adult’s needs would. But you know what I’ve
noticed lately? The rest of society doesn’t seem to agree. From families being
kicked out of airplanes, to kids being banned from restaurants, to shaming of
breastfeeding mothers, to stores and eateries having “no stroller” policies—I’m
starting to get the feeling that many people are anti-kid.

First of all, I’d like to
say that obviously, not every moment spent with our kids, or around other
people’s kids, is a joy. They cry, they scream, they poop, they puke—and often
at the worst times. I know what it’s like to be in front of a toddler kicking
my seat at the movies, I understand wanting to eat a meal without a screaming
child next to you, and I definitely would not choose to be seated in an
airplane with an unhappy child for an extended period of time.

My problem is the fact that
children are discriminated against. They are treated like second-class citizens,
and people seem to be completely comfortable with that. For example, which of
the following criteria would make it okay to ban a human being from a
restaurant? Could it be someone’s race, religion, gender, weight, sexual
orientation?

None of those would be
acceptable. Yet children are increasingly being treated this way, simply
because they are small and helpless. And often the parents are blamed, for not
being able to “control” their children. Oh, how I despise that word! Parenting
is not about control. It is about teaching and guidance. Any time I try to
control my children, I regret it, and I fail miserably.

It’s especially difficult
when the only reason I am trying to exert control over my kids is because I
fear someone else’s judgment. I resent society’s judgment of my children and
how I parent them because in the past, it’s caused me to react more strongly and
more angrily than I would have if I didn’t feel like all eyes were on
me—whether it be at the checkout line, or at an eatery, or at a coffee shop. I
have to make a concerted effort to ignore those people and stay calm, because
ultimately, this is about myself and my children, and the relationship and
communication I’m trying to establish and nurture with them. Worse yet, my
children always pick up on my anxiety and it causes them grief, as well.

What amuses me (and
alternately puzzles me) is people’s seeming intolerance for children while
simultaneously, adults are allowed to behave in ways that I find rude and
unacceptable. No one seems to bat an eye when adults engage in excessively loud
conversations, both in person and on cell phones, while sitting at a casual
restaurant. Or when the constant chime of texting or game playing or whatever
makes it difficult for me to hear what my eating companion is saying. Yet, my three
year old daughter makes one loud (and happy!) exclamation, and a dozen heads
snap back to look at us as if we are disturbing everyone’s peace. I have to be
subjected to strangers’ musical tastes on their ridiculously loud headphones
while sitting on the train, yet my fidgety son is looked upon with disdain, as
if he is dirtying the environment simply by being there. I’ve seen people clip
their nails—clip their nails—on the
subway, yet I still get various dirty looks when I get on the train with my
active kids or nurse my baby in public.

We were at a restaurant
recently where I confronted someone who was very anti-child. Let me be clear—it
was Friday, at 6 p.m., at a family restaurant that we frequent, with a kids’ menu,
and my kids were perfectly well-behaved. This patron and his friends not only
chose to sit at the table right next to ours instead of choosing one of the
dozen or so other empty tables in the place, the man then proceeded to make a
comment about not wanting to sit by my daughter because children make “weird
noises in restaurants.” As if that wasn’t bad enough, later in their meal, the
two other people he was with used our family as an example to discuss what
their parents did with them as kids when they went to restaurants. They were
inches away from us. Not only was this conversation audible to myself and my
husband, but my children, as well.

If we had a child that was
disabled, or one of us had some other type of unusual physical trait or
ailment, would it have been acceptable for those patrons to discuss that, even
if it wasn’t directed at our family? Would it have been acceptable for them to
have a discussion based on our race, weight, hair color, what we were eating?

No. No, it would not have been acceptable. Yet these
folks decided it was fine for them to discuss children, loudly enough so that
those children could hear them, because, well, children don’t matter.

I don’t think so.

I kept my calm and
confronted the rude patrons, made sure my children heard me, and then explained
to my son on the way home why what that man and his friends did was unacceptable.

I wonder if people forget
that they were once kids, too. If we expect kids to learn proper public
behavior and become successful adults, then we have to allow some margin for
error. There is no magical age that children come to when they suddenly sit up,
sit still, and stop playing with their food. There’s no certificate that comes
with turning 18 that says, “Congratulations! You’re now a contributing member
of society!”

Sure, kids go through
phases, and as parents, we are responsible for recognizing what situations have
the potential to be disastrous and avoid them—but for ourselves and our
children first and foremost! When my daughter is throwing a tantrum, I’m not
concerned with the comfort level of the person behind me. I’m stressed out and
concerned about my child, why she’s screaming, and trying to find a way to get
through it. When my son drops his fork repeatedly while eating, my first
thought is not about how disturbed the person next to him is. I’m thinking that
we’ve run out of clean forks and he’s starving and where is that darn waiter? I
lament about the fact that my meal is stone cold because I have spent the last
10 minutes rescuing my son’s utensils. When my newborn is crying, I’m not going
to worry about offending the person next to me if I flash a nipple as I nurse
her.

And we’re going to make
mistakes. Sometimes we’ll go to a place that’s not entirely appropriate for
families, and maybe our kids will be overtired and cranky and maybe they will
act out as a result. We may get on a plane after waiting three hours for a
delayed flight, where we’ve run out of snacks and activities and one of our
kids may need to fuss for 15 minutes until she falls asleep. Sometimes, my
child may have a coughing fit while sitting next to you, and you may be inconvenienced
or even grossed out. Society has to allow for those types of situations.

We talk so much about
tolerance and acceptance, but when it comes down to it, we don’t practice what
we preach. Children are human beings—little, un-evolved, clean slates. I take
joy in showing my children the world and teaching them about all it has to
offer. I don’t want them to be looked down upon, disrespected, or undervalued
simply because they are little.