Embrace the Mess

#MorningMeTime: Day F’ing 1.

Alright, Folks. I’m back. And in the morning!?!?! Say whattttt!?

Anyone who knows me, knows I am NOT a morning person. Like, at all. I’m actually kind of terrible at mornings. Not to mention, I’m kind of TERRIBLE in the morning. This is how I know my husband, family and my friends love me….. they have put with me in the morning at some point or another.

So what am I doing up right now, you say? Welp….Life I guess. And Passion. And a strong Desire to maintain some ounce of my sanity.

Over the last few weeks, I haven’t seen much of my husband. He had a temporary stint of working third shift and then he was out of town for work for a week. On the weekends, I was off meeting my friends new baby (Absolutely adorable and amazing!) and celebrating another friend’s bachelorette party (Michigan Color tour, friends and BEER oh, my!). I felt disconnected and like I didn’t know what was going on in my life. We are so used to managing our life through the small talks we have just by BEING around each other on a regular basis. This was unsettling….

In other words – I missed him like crazy!

(Now, before I get yelled at – I know there are many of you out there who go much longer amounts of time away from their husbands on a much regular basis for a million different VERY honorable and perfectly normal reasons. I don’t know how you do it. And this is just NOT my normal life. So it was weird…..)

But I was also suddenly very aware of how much of my life revolves around my husband’s schedule. And that bothered me a little.

To be clear – my husband is NOT controlling in any sense of the word. He doesn’t ask me to do this. It is simply an adaptation that has naturally occured due to my genuine desire to spend time with my favorite person in the world and my life companion. For the most part, it is not even a bad thing.

But over the last few weeks, I realized I was doing a few things I don’t normally get to do.

I randomly played the piano and sang out loud. I ate at times that felt more natural to me. I wrote poetry in my journal. The house felt bright because I tend to leave the lights on. I blasted my music so I could hear it everywhere in the house. I spent less time curled up on the couch watching TV.

And I noticed that it was just because of little things. Boredom. The simple fact that I was alone in the house. Not having having lights turned off behind me when I forget to. Not having to be quiet because he has to be in bed and get up earlier than me. Using my time differently BEFORE his bedtime – and before its late and my brain doesn’t want to think – because he wasn’t around for me to want to hang out with.

So as I thought about what all of that means – I realized I didn’t want those things to stop just because he was home again. And I’m not willing to NOT spend time with my husband or expect him to leave the house or go to bed when I’m feeling the need for some me time. And I’m also not willing to have to leave my home to feel like I CAN have that me time. I want me time in my HOME.

I decided I’m the only one who can do something about that.

So…..I decided to take piano lessons up again. My stepdaughter’s piano teacher is willing to take me on. I’m excited and nervous. My last lesson was in 8th grade and that was a LONG time ago.

I also told my husband that I want to try and not spend time on technology or watching TV until at least 9 PM in the evenings.

AND….Monday Morning I got out of bed at 6:25 AM. By choice. It was a damn miracle and I am not even kidding.

The thought crossed my mind as I heard my husband get up so I just decided to go with it. I figured maybe I could use the time to try and write in this blog again. Or play the piano and sign out loud. Be alone in the house. Leave lights on. Play Music loudly. Or write poetry in my journal. Ya know, spend some quality “Me Time.”

My husband and stepdaughter looked at me like I was a crazy person when I came down the stairs – “What are YOU doing up!?” I just kinda shrugged – “I don’t know. I just decided to get up!”

But…because life is funny like this…my husband got a flat tire. So, not even 10 minutes of Morning Me Time I had to go pick them up, drive an hour to drop my stepdaughter off at school, drive back an hour to drop my husband off at work, and then drive the extra 20 minutes back home from his work.

Sigh.

But….if I did it once, I could do it again right?

So…this morning I got up with my husband at 5:45 AM. And here I am….drinking coffee and writing in my blog with every light in the house on.

Music on. Not blaring though because – lets be honest – its still early and I am NOT a morning person and my senses just are NOT used to this shit! And I wouldn’t say I would be PLEASANT company if anyone was around right now anyway…..

This is #MorningMeTime: Day F’ing 1 ok? Not #MorningMeTime: Level Pro.

Baby steps.

And since my writing on here has not recently been bearing much fruit – I decided to use this blog in a way to that makes a positive influence in my life again. My #Beauty4Balance inspired me to look for beauty every day. Whereas #Mess30 – for some reason – overwhelmed me. Although I truly enjoyed writing #Mess30: All Together Now – The other topics that I wanted to write about felt heavy. I kept starting and stopping. I have like 6 drafts saved in my WordPress account unfinished. They are topics I really want to write about and share….but I’m just not ready.

#MorningMeTime will be a journey to balancing my life out a little. I’m not sure what I’ll write about. Anything that comes to mind I guess. And I won’t write every morning. I want to do other things I love in this time too. But I’m excited for this blog to help me refocus on an important area of my life again: Spending Time on Me, Working on Me, Loving Me – without losing that Quality Time with my hubs.

And I’m thinking it’s time to start adding in some #Beauty4Balance moments in my life again as well.