Britain's Got Talent Live - Liveblogged

Tonight marks the night of the first of five live finals. Now being one of the top 40 talented acts in the whole country is no longer enough; they must battle to the death to prove they alone are Britain's talent, embodied.

They struggled to prove rise above the finger-knitters and the gallumping hippodancers and the people who'd apparently never been introduced, let alone indtructed in their instrument before they set foot on the stage - but last night, the 200 hopeful acts the judges had already put through became forty. And by the end of this week, they will become only one. One eager queen-pleaser, ready for the Royal Variety.

But who will that be? No idea.

Luckily, Susan Boyle is rumoured to be leading the charge to the top of Talent Mountain tonight. But will her singing seem quite as remarkable now she's had a haircut? (And how does that work, exactly?) Or will someone bubble up from the ranks of people we haven't seen much of yet, to become front runner for the whole competition?

And will it matter, when everyone's probably out celebrating the bank holiday sunshine with a burnt sausage and a glass of pink wine, and having far too nice a time of it to be inside watching BGT anyway?

I don't know. But I'll find out when I come back at 8.30...

8.35: Sorry, that should have specified that this is the search for the most talented person who isn't famous already. Because clearly Britain already has a lot of people who are already famous for having some kind of talent. And there are even more people who are talented for something they're sadly not going to become famous for.

My friend Charlotte can type quite fast, for example. And I can go for a wee faster than any other woman I know.Is we on this? No, we aren't. Which is probably good.

But a bunch more people are, and we get to see who some of them will be tonight. And what a veritable bounty it is: cute children, over-excitable dancers and, to top it all off, Susan Boyle.

"The whole world is watching ..." says Simon "anything could happen"

Well, not ANYTHING, right? Is the stage suddenly going to turn into cream cheese? No. But then, he probably meant anything BUT that.

8.36pm: One of the judges mentions that they've been in America, where ALL anyone is talking about has been BGT. I am sure this is the case if you open every conversation with "Hello, I'm a judge on BGT, have you seen it?" - but where that isn't the case? Not so much.

The evening is kicked off, though, by Diversity - a dance crew with approximately 67 bendy members, whose dance, a medley of tricks, styles, gimmicks and steps that even individually would be remarkable - all together: they're just crazy.

Amanda Holden's comments ramble on - to the extent that Simon immediately laughs that he thought for a second he was still on American Idol and sitting next to Paula, which is a damning slight, if ever I heard one.

This is followed by Sue Son and her rocking classical electric violin. Now, I don't know much about electric violins (or about much, obviously) but while this is impressive stuff, played by a very beautiful young woman in a very short dress - we get very little sense of how difficult a piece this is, how impressive her technique.

Amanda calls her a Vixen with a Violin, Simon she might have talent, but she hasn't got any personality. Which is mean (but also true).

9.02:"Our next man is someone who loves both Darth Vader and Michael Jackson, and he's combined the two in a very very clever way..." says Dec, sounding like he's either on the edge of tears, or deeply, deeply unsure about whether he's reading the right autocue.

We see Simon in pre-filmed segments, lamenting the end of society if this gets any further through the competition, and saying that if this guy wins, he (Simon) is going to resign.

Come on, people! Vote! Vote!

Darth Jackson comes on, and dances to Thriller with a full complement of backing stormtroopers. All of whom, it must be said, are better than him.

When it comes to the comments though, Amanda, previously a staunch supporter of Darth Jackson, starts to back off from supporting him - she just didn't feel the energy, she says. She felt like he was just pacing out the routine. She wasn't sure what he was trying to do, there. Well, Amanda, he was trying to copy the dance moves of Michael Jackson while wearing a big cape and an upturned bucket on his heid. You kind of knew what you were getting into when you let him through from the first round, sweetheart.

Simon, less constructively, says the man's a nutter. Again: less constructive, possibly closer to the truth.

Natalie Okri - possibly the cutest child since children were invented, comes on and sings Superstar. And while she's clearly talented, the choice of song does make it feel like sitting in the living room at a family party and sitting through the stage school niece who has learnt the Single Ladies dance almost off by heart, and is determined to perform it over and over again. Having said that, though, we only have to see this once, and she is, as previously noted a big shining super-button in the cuteness stakes, so she can do what she likes, frankly, as long as she smiles.

The judges say the same.

9.15pm:Julia Havalottaconstanants is originally from Latvia, but has come to rainy old England to pursue her one dream of becoming a star bellydancer.

And though, logically, I'm not sure where to start with that sentence, it doesn't really matter because what is this really about? Is it about the huge belly-dancing goldmine that is the UK? Or is it about a very beautiful young woman shaking all her ladyparts - to which, I may note, gold fringing has been attached for the occasion.

Before she starts, however, Simon pleads on her behalf: "The problem is when you look like THAT, will people vote for you?" says Simon, suggesting that being enormously hottie is a terrible handicap to a successful career.

Amanda buzzes her, the two gentlemen judges, jaws slackened, trousers bulging, do not buzz. They like her.

9.20: They don't, it turns out, like the freakshow artiste after all. Sticking drills into his skull, hanging axes from his tongue and promising to do things with an apple and a chainsaw that the queen almost certainly wouldn't recognise as palace etiquette. And they all buzz him before he gets the chance to get all the way through his act.

"Not really family entertainment" says Simon. Really? Because that's what you were expecting?

Freakshow Bob waves the unused chainsaw around vaguely in Simon's direction, and you can almost hear every one in the directors galley holding a collective breath. Because what DO you do if someone's about to start delimbinating the talent live on air?

Apart from try and get on more channels, I suppose.Delimbinating isn't a word, is it? It should be.

9.30: Is Ant's head expanding? I mean, it was mentioned he'd had a haircut earlier in the show - and yes, if you're catching up after the event, that really is the entertainment gold you've been missing - but rather than his hairline receding, it just looks as if the front of his head is inflating.

Which is fitting, really, as the next act is Faces of Disco. Two men who dance hi energy dances wearing enormous 2d masks of famous people. dancing to In The Navy, they start off with Obama and Brown disco dancing, then Prince Charles and Camilla, Ant and Dec and ending up shirtless (shirtless, toned and completely hairless, no less) wearing masks of Simon Cowell. Surrounded by backing dancers also wearing Simon Cowell masks.

Described by Amanda Holden, touchingly, as 'a little woman from some little town', which pretty much sums up the attitude that surrounded the general surprise that 'little people' can do things too that pushed her to global stardom.

She's singing that song from some Andrew Lloyd Webber musical that begins 'midnight ... doo doo dee doo doo evening' and then piles on the saccharine - and though it seems a little pitchy to begin with, and nerves seem to be causing some timing issues in the first verse, that's what happens when expectations are piled on .. and Amanda seems to be crying, so that's the important thing.

The judges say: They think she looks beautiful (and she does, hair dyed dark and fitted dress) - Amanda says she was biting all her acrylic nails off, which can't be good for one's digestion. And Simon apologises for the way they spoke to her before she sang the first time.

Ah, but if you hadn't, you all wouldn't be in the position you are right now, right? No one would have been surprised, and no one would have been so pleased. So, you know, being unforgivably patronising and unpleasant to the little people is clearly the way forward, right?

No, that sounds wrong.

9.43: And of course, in final and privileged position for the phone vote, Susan Boyle was the last act this evening. So having just watched Susan Boyle, then talking to Susan Boyle, having Susan being humble and lovely, and forgiving of Simon's terrible behaviour, we then watching a round up of acts, ending with Susan Boyle and "NOW! People! Go Vote! Vote for whoever is Susan at the forefront of your Boyle mind right Susan Boyle now!" say Ant and Dec, or practically so.

We'll find out right now, as well, which I find very weird after having to hang around for all the next-day results shows in America.

Who will get through?Darth Jackson and The Big Faced Pointless Dance Troupe?Cute little girl and the bellydancer? Or Susan Boyle, twice?

9.55pm: After a brief word from the judges, during which one tries to get people to vote for Darth Jackson and thus force Simon Cowell into resigning, even though Ant and Dec have repeatedly begged people not to phone in now because the lines are closed but they'll still be charged, so they shouldn't ring because they wouldn't want to be seen to be ripping anyone off ...

And the winner of the first heat is:

There is a pause of about seven minutes while we pan around the performers and wait for AntorDec to say the words 'Susan Boyle', while the music ticks away suspensefully in the background.

tick

tick

tick

"Susan Boyle!"

Right, there we have it. She looks incredibly surprised, crosses the stage the wrong way - going the opposite direction to where Ant and Dec are standing waiting for her. Then goes back the right way, overshooting Ant and Dec in the process.

Bless her, Britain's Top Navigator next year, right?

But the second and third acts are Cute little Natalie Okri and Diversity. Then the judges have to decide...

There's one vote for Diversity, then Amanda votes for Natalie - and the deciding vote is left to Simon. Who puts his vote with ... Diversity.

The urban dance boys jump up and down and cheer, and the audience in the studio and at home is treated to the sight of a small girl, her heart broken, dream crushed, standing in the middle of a stage and silently weeping.

THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT, FOLKS!

10pm: And that's it. There are live finals for the rest of the week.

Are we covering them? I honestly don't know. But by the end of the week, we'll know for certain whether Britain has Talent or not. And if it does, whether that talent happens to be wrapped in the cuddly if somewhat spacial-awareness-challenged package of Boyle. Susan Boyle.

For the record, I just want to put a shout out to Natalie Okri, and say that she's as cute as anything, and I wish her all the future success in the world. And that she shouldn't listen to anything those nasty people say: of course it's going to make you cry when people are mean, but in the long term, you're as cute as a button with a lovely singing voice and who are they?

Well, they're millionaire TV personalities, so that probably wasn't the direction to go on that one. But sod them anyway, Natalie. Sod all of'em. You're lovely.