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Why don't my friends and their boyfriends communicate better?

Anonymous

Nov 28, 2012

Q: I have more in common with my best friend's boyfriend than she does and we're pretty good friends. My best friend just reads a book or texts other people at lunch while he talks to me. We're all seniors in high school and I never met him before they started dating.

My other best friend's boyfriend has been my friend for a little over two years. He's a senior, she's a junior. I'm close to him and actually I know more about him than his girlfriend does. She asks me about his past and such a lot but they aren't my secrets, you know? She should just talk to him herself.

I have another best friend who also has a boyfriend. They are both sophomores. He's pretty weird, and never shuts up. I'm the same way. My best friend just cuddles with him and smiles and nods while he blathers on and on. She doesn't talk much to him because she’s too shy which I tell her is ridiculous. I mean they’re dating she should talk to him! I talk to him more than she does. How do I encourage them all to speak to each other? It's getting a little awkward for me. I feel weird inside, none of them communicate. Also, all three girls and guy number two ask me for relationship advice all the time. I've never even been in a real relationship, as I would define it. It's pretty funny. So what do I do here?

A: It’s rather simple really. Stop encouraging them to talk to you about these things. If you are feeling uncomfortable playing mediator all the time all you need to do is speak up the same way you wish they would speak to each other. Tell them you don’t think it’s appropriate and it makes you uneasy. Yes, they should be talking to each other about these things. Discontinue your availability on these topics and instead direct them where they should be going.

If you continue to play the negotiator, it won’t be long before one of them gets mad at you or blames you for something gone awry. Before you know it, you’ve lost all your friends because they couldn’t put their big girl pants on and take some responsibility. It shouldn’t be your business nor is it your job to hold your friend’s relationships together. Maybe, your friends aren’t mature enough to play house yet, especially if you’re an integral part of their relationship equations.

Q: I have been with my boyfriend for about seven months. He can be so sweet, caring and I love spending time with him. He says he loves my decency, morals and the kind of girl I am. He has also said he doesn't like me going anywhere with my friends or going out clubbing as he feels this is not a place a girl should be if she is in a relationship. He thinks most of my friends are a bad influence even though he doesn't know them and that I will be easily influenced by them.

I’ve told him recently I can't change my ways and I love going away with friends and I’ve always loved traveling and refuse to give this up. I have explained that I will never cheat on him or do anything stupid. I have to say I did previously go on a road trip with some girls and ended up meeting some guys while there. All of us ended up spending hours just chilling out. One of the guys it turned out knew my boyfriend and told him about it. My boyfriend was furious with me for not telling him. At the time I didn't think anything of it; I didn't have any bad intentions. Ever since then he has been completely against the idea of my doing anything with my friends. He has now since said if I don’t stop my going with friends he wants nothing with me. I'm not sure if he is trying to manipulate me and change me because he can't trust me. I truly do love him deep down and want him to trust me, not change me. He always seems to make it out that I am the one with faults, but I have always let him have his ways, never stopped him chilling with his friends or talking to girls all the time. He seems to think I can't do it but he can do whatever he wants.

A: Double standard anyone? Let us first get out of way that no, when you’re in a relationship with someone it is not ok to hang out with a group of guys spending hours chilling out. I don’t care how good your intentions are or how innocent you believe it may have been; that just isn’t ok. It simply leaves too much room for miscommunication, lines can be too easily crossed, and it causes more drama than it’s worth. I’ll give him this one.

However, as to the other aspects, he seems quite the control freak. I’m no clairvoyant but I can certainly see your future. He doesn’t even know your friends yet assumes they are bad influences. Why? Well, because he would rather you be the good little woman who sits quietly at home cooking his meals and ironing his shirts without wondering where he is and what he is doing. He would rather you have very little self-esteem and be co-dependent. He needs, or shall I say demands, you to be understanding to his wants and needs for him to be himself but has no desire to understand yours. And he never will.

If you don’t run for the hills now, your relationship will turn into a scene straight out of the Stepford Wives. Don’t allow him to recreate you. Trust me when I say you will do a fine job all by yourself and another man will eventually appreciate it, not try to change it.