I can't control my anger

Over the last few months I have been having problems controlling my anger especially against my sister. She is very difficult and clearly has her own issues and has been in counselling. I feel like she is being tiptoed around and it really pisses me off. She speaks to people like dirt and has no consideration for anyone else unless it benefits her. And I have to leave the house when she has her tantrums and my parents let her get away with it.Last time we had a fight over her friend being rude to me and I noticed she was wearing my jeans, it sounds petty I know but she gets dreadful when I use her stuff. I asked her to take them off and she was being really smug saying that she would when she is done. I hit her meal across the room and she hit me a lot so I turned around and slapped her across the face. And the worst thing was this was all in front of my best friend. I was so angry at her I punched the wall and broke my hand.Tonight we had another argument and I got so riled up I was about to hit something and my mum cane up the stairs and had a go at me even through it was her that was being out of order. She saw I was getting pissed and asked me if I was going to break my other hand. That's the thing, if I wasn't worried about my hand I would have punched her or hit something else and I don't know what to do. I just feel so angry all the time at everything and literally everything sets me off. With most things I can just bottle it up and not act on it but I honestly have had it with everyone ignoring how thing affect me. I don't ask for much but sometimes it would be nice to be seen for once.

Welcome to the Forum. Let’s see what we can do a about your Anger. First, we can put it into perspective. Maybe you already know that Growing Up, that is the Time before going off to College, is often the worst Time in people’s lives. The Seemingly Arbitrary Demands of Parents and the Unrestrained Annoyances and Provocations from Siblings can make Life a Virtual Hell. In your case you have a Sister who is apparently perceived by your Parents to be Significantly more Worrisome than yourself. You might Think that your Parents are Favoring Her, but they are actually Favoring You, by placing their Trust and Reliance in you, and that means they think you are Capable of Living Up to that Trust. They see you as the Good and Solid One. You should appreciate that. They certainly do not Trust in your Sister. With your Sister they are only trying to Limit the Damage, and Bide their Time until some Miracle gets her out of the House or her Craziness gets her killed somehow, God Forbid. So I am Sure that your Parents are all Stressed out too. But it is difficult to expect You to be somehow automatically Grown up, Philosophical and Mature about it all. Really, we can expect your reaction to be one conditioned by Stress and Animosity – that you would be Angry and act out of Rage. That being said, You Really need to Learn NOW how to deal with this Anger. That is Because the Anger Patterns you set up now will follow you through the Rest of your Life . Every Time you Act Out and Throw a Tantrum, you are in effect Teaching Yourself to React to Any Stress in Life with a Tantrum. Although it is Worst for you Now, you DO Realize that Life will Always come up with its Stressful Moments, and you can’t simply just Flip Out all the Time. Yes, a lot of People DO flip out all the time. That is why we have This Page (Yes, it takes A Lot of Work, but Chronically Angry People can learn how to Re-Condition Themselves to be Calm). Anyway, this Mass of Angry People, who Aren’t Crazy, and who are deemed within the Parameters of Normalacy, end up being held back by this Habit for Getting Angry. Their Detriment is most easily seen in their Career Prospects. They either Get Fired from Jobs, or they are significantly limited in their Careers. You see, Leaders, Administrators, Supervisors, that is, all the people who make Five Figure and Plus Salaries are in effect Filtered for their Temperament. Yes, Being Smart and Capable also Figures into the Equation for Success, but What Nobody but Me will Tell you, is that Temperament is Perhaps the Most Important Ingredient for Getting ahead in Life. “To Go Along you have to Get Along”. I forget who said “The Secret of Success is Just Showing Up”, and that is True, but it only works while you are effectively Allowed In with the Group. If you show Any Sign of a Bad Temperament, the Door will be slammed in your Face. And your Social Life and Relationships Life is the same as for your Career Life. As soon as you are Known to be a Hot Head – even if you just Flip out Once or Twice a Year, your Social and Relationship Options are severally curtailed. You get Dropped from Invitation Lists because people are afraid you will make Scenes at their Parities. You might get some Idiot Man to fall in love with you, but any Man that you would Really Want, will ask around about you and when he learns you are a temperamental Hot Head he will write you off because he ‘has already had enough of crazy chicks’.

But, all That being said, I realize that there will be One Stressor after another, with such a sister and parents leaving you on your own to deal with it. My Situation was not exactly the same as yours, but comparable. What you Need to Know and Do now, until you are Liberated by that effective evacuation off to College, is Realize that your Anger Is Bad and that it is Not Right, and that you Shouldn’t Indulge it. Now there Is a Distinction between Angry Emotions and Angry Behavior. Yes, You have Every Right to Feel Insulted and Annoyed at times. But you need to Realize that in Building a Good Temperament for Yourself, that will be a Lasting Treasure throughout the Rest of Your Life, you need to Develop a Perspective about such Things. Most Importantly, LEARN TO PICK YOUR BATTLES. First Try Not to Flip out about simply Everything. You see, once you learn to Walk Away from one Confrontation, deeming it More Trouble than It is Worth, the Easier it gets to Walk Away from Other Confrontations. After a while you Realize that Explosive Anger Creates so much Painful Turmoil in Your Mind (doesn’t it?) that Nearly Every Provocation is Not Worth Getting Angry Over. Once you Learn how to Pick your Battles, eventually you get to the point where you Don’t Pick ANY Battles. And now I will explain how this is True.

What Fuels your Rage is an Adrenaline Reaction – your Body Pumps out Hormones or whatever they are that make you Grit your Teeth, Cuss and Swear, and Kick and Swing your Arms. In Evolutionary Terms such behavior would be Appropriate when a Big Cat or a Wolf or something came into your hut and tried to snatch your Baby – THEN it would be Entirely Appropriate to Completely Flip Out and Go Berserk. Equally, there were occasions back during Primitive Times when our Species was Evolving, that different Tribal or Clan Groups would see each other as Enemies, and if any of THEM came into your Encampment, then they were there to either Kill You outright, or Steal your Food Stores, which is the same as Killing you, so AGAIN the Appropriate Reaction would be to Completely Flip Out and Go Berserk. Anyway, you probably can pick up on how your Sister Wearing your Jeans is NOT the Same Thing as a Wolf trying to snatch your Baby…. Not the Same as Enemies coming to Rape and Kill you. Indeed, you can probably Discern that Getting Enraged over Just About Anything that you may encounter while Growing Up is simply a Big Over-Reaction.

BUT, Often It Seems Like You have No Control Over It. Most People who Write In about Raging Anger complain that it ‘Just Happens’, that it takes them by Surprise. That is True, up to a Point. You see, that Adrenaline Reaction is Somewhat Automatic. Yes, we can Prime Ourselves for an Adrenaline Release by ‘egging ourselves on’, by ‘stewing and fretting’ and just by constantly Focusing on the Negative, BUT, that being said, the Brain Processes that Turn on the Adrenaline Valve are Subconscious. I read a book about Anger and the Brain (“The Angry Brain” by Ronald Potter-Efron, the Best Author out there for Self Help Anger Management Books) and it states that Adrenaline will have about a 2 or 3 Second Lead on Pumping Adrenaline before we become Consciously Aware of our Raging Anger. WHAT YOU CAN DO about this is Learn to Recognize the Very First Sign of an Adrenaline Rush, so you can Immediately Shut It Off before it gets Going Full Blast. THE VERY FIRST SIGN OF AN ADRENALINE RUSH IS THAT YOUR TEETH WILL CLENCH. One Lady writing in said that She experienced it as Having to Close Her Mouth. WHEN THIS HAPPENS, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS RELAX YOUR JAW MUSCLES, or as that Lady wrote in and told me, all She had to do to Shut Down an Adrenaline Rush was to Open Her Mouth. Some people say they Take a Deep Breath, but as they Do That they Open their Mouths to take the Breath. So Opening the Mouth is What Really Does it. Well, How does that Work? Nowl, remember what that book said, that Rage is set on its Tracks for 2 or 3 Seconds before it Hits Consciousness, so I suppose the Body built in an Emergency Shut Down Switch controllable by the Conscious Mind. It is the Jaw Muscles that are first to React to Adrenaline because they are Closest to the Brain and the Arterial Blood Supplies. If You Perceive that Teeth Clenching, Mouth Closing Reflex as the Onset of a Rage Episode, and Consciously Decide You DO NOT WANT a Rage Episode, simply Opening your Mouth or Relaxing your Jaw Muscles sends the Conscious Message to shut down the Fireworks before they Get Started. Take this Advice Seriously, a Number of Posters to whom I have given the same advice, have written back saying that It Works and that it Works Great!

The only thing you have to do is Catch that First Sign. If you let Adrenaline Pump freely for more than 3 or 4 seconds, then you are lost – you are in that state where you really don’t care if you break the other hand, you know what I mean. So it would be good to Practice with Adrenaline to see what that initial Jaw Tightening Feels Like, so you Know what to look for. I used to practice with a Pin. If you Stab your Hand with a Pin THEN you will experience an Adrenaline Reaction, BUT then I found out that just Preparing to Stab Your Hand with a Pin is Enough to Do the Trick – that it amounts to the Same Thing. So you don’t Really have to Stab your hand with a Pin… you just have to Seriously Threaten to Stab your Hand with a Pin, and then FEEL the Jaw Muscles Tighten Up…. You will See that before you can Jab Yourself with a Pin that YOU HAVE TO CLOSE YOU MOUTH. Once you notice that, then you can practice, relaxing your jaws and opening your mouth and Feel the Adrenaline fade away.

Oh, by the way, Adrenaline is not All Bad. Studies have shown that a little bit of Adrenaline actually Helps in Taking Tests. So when you need to take an important Test in school, well, put a Pin in your lapels and before the Test, Threaten to Stab yourself Really Hard, and feel those Jaw Muscles Tighten Up. NOT TOO MUCH. A Little Adrenaline goes a long way in this regards. Too Much Adrenaline, as you know, fires up an Unthinking Rage. But a little bit of Adrenaline puts you in a State of Mental Alert, and that is where you Want to Be while taking a Test.

One would think that Adrenaline would be Helpful in Sports. Well it Is and it Isn’t. You see to Win in Sports you have to Score. But Adrenaline is All About Defense. Adrenaline can Keep the Other Team from Scoring but all that Fuming, Cussing and Swearing and Blind Hatred gets in the way of implementing a good Scoring Strategy. In that same book mentioned above, I learned that there are Two Forms of Aggression – Defensive Aggression (Adrenaline Driven) which is sort of Crazy Excited Blind Rage, and there is Predatory Aggression which is characterized by Intensity of Focus and which is actually Calm in the Emotional Sense – like a Leopard in the Jungle stalking up on a Deer;, it is crouched and focused, with eyes on Target. You might see the Same Thing if you go to your School’s Sports Events. The Winning Team will be Focused and Calm, scoring Point after Point. The Losing Team, put on the Defensive will become Excited and Emotional… even the Coach might begin Cussing and Swearing! Now in Football, where you have One Set of Guys for the Offence and Another Set of Guys for the Defense, you can Get the Best of Both Worlds – put the Calm and Focused Guys in the Offensive Squad, and all the Hot Heads on the Defense.

Oh, one last Piece of Advice. I am sure you are a Perfect Lady, BUT at times you may be So Stressed Out that you yourself are tempted to Cuss and Swear. DON’T. For Some Reason it is Almost Impossible to Get a Good Rage Going if you don’t whip yourself up by Cussing and Swearing. Also, when it comes to Other People Knowing that you are Angry, the Greatest Tip Off is that you begin to use Fowl Language. You could be as Mad as Hell, pacing back and forth and Red as a Beat, and People will still think that you are Calm and Controlled, until you let Fly with the Dirty Words and start Punching and Kicking things. This Becomes Important in the Career Field where People get “Written Up” for their Anger (which they call “Hostility or Violence In the Workplace”). They Have To Look for Certain Objective Criteria in order to Write Anybody Up, and one of those Criteria is Foul and Threatening Language, SO if you Learn Never to Cuss, you will Never go over THAT Line. Also, remember what I said before, that while an Adrenaline Release is Subconscious, we can Prep for It by riling ourselves up with Negative Thinking, and the Worst Negative Thinking is Done with Cuss Words. By Using Cuss Words you are in Effect Signaling your Subconscious Mind that you are Ready To Go, Ready to Flip Out and Go Crazy, which you really don’t want do, do you? SO, actually BE a Perfect Lady, and Do Not Cuss and Swear, and don’t even use that Language in your Thinking. And, yes, I tell the Guys the Very Same Thing. Cussing is Low Class. Most of your Top Salaried People don’t cuss and swear. They get the Big Bucks because they are Known to be Calm and Focused… like that Leopard in the Jungle. And there is no Big Cat more beautiful than the Leopard, is there?

Anyway, Undia, let me know if any of this Advice seems to ring true for you.

When something happens that gets you angry, just realize that you are choosing to get angry. All that happened is what happened, nothing more. You are internalizing it as something else and thus your trigger an angry response.

Practice meditating. This helps me and others I have talked to so much. sit, close your eyes, and breathe. Just meditating for 5-10 minutes a day and you will feel the after effects for hours. You will be able to be much more on in control of your thoughts, actions, emotions, and feelings. You will feel more calm and peaceful. You will not be in the mood to hit people.

Lastly, just because you do not want to bottle things up, does not mean everything has to come out as anger and rage. You can express yourself in much more calm and peaceful ways. You are more likely to be heard and understood when you communicate in a calm way than by lashing out at people.

I read your well thought out comments, and appreciate how you can believe that people need to stand up for their Rights and What they Believe in. Well, that is what Everybody would think Intuitively, especially Angry People. But if you look at most Situations Pragmatically -- measuring what you stand to Gain in Fighting the Good Fight, against what you can expect to Lose just by Rocking the Boat and contributing to an Unpleasant Scene, well in most cases The Battles are Not Worth Fighting. It is like people who are Against War. If you do not want to have Wars then you have to decide that there are a Great Many thing not worth Killing for.

I am at home recovering from an Operation, and since I need to spend a lot of time Keeping my Leg Elevated, I can only spend my time Reading books. So I grabbed my Jane Austen anthology and I've been reading "Sense and Sensibility" again. The Main Character, Eleanor, the Sensible One, over and over again allows impudent and rude comments to just pass by. Apparently it is her Top Priority to never make an Embarrassing Scene in Public.

So, really, we should all measure the Value of Keeping the Social Peace, against the vague ephemeral value of upholding our Pride or some Right to do something that really isn't Nearly as Important as just Keeping the Peace.

If we all thought more about the good of our Social Community and less about our own Selfishness, Pride and Vanity then we would certainly have less Anger Issues -- People fired from their Jobs for Disrupting the Workplace, and no longer invited to Parties because they can't be relied upon to behave themselves. Oh, and I wish I had a penny for every Couple that has split up over Trivial Little Territorial Disputes -- being 'Assertive' over any and every little thing; so much so that each worries about it being the Next Big Fight every time their Partner opens his or her mouth.

so the next time you think you have to Stand Up for something, you should wonder Who Cares Anyway, and whether it would be Better for Each and Everybody if you just Stood Down. You know, maybe it would be better if Guam didn't get Nuked... that kind of thing.

The problem is that: if you are always the one who surrender, that may cost you to have less of everything you could have -

Because of that we have to stand up for ourselves intellectually

There is no need to panicThere is no need for drama

You simply stand up for onselef intellectually and take what you deserve starting from now

You cannot always be the one who feels sorry for the others, the one who always runs away, the one who always gives and never takes no, no you cannot be that kind of person because it has an expensive price that you can not pay - it leaves you with less of everything you could have

laureat wrote:Yeah I agree sometimes we may have to ignore, avoid, surrender

The problem is that: if you are always the one who surrender, that may cost you to have less of everything you could have -

Because of that we have to stand up for ourselves intellectually

There is no need to panicThere is no need for drama

You simply stand up for onselef intellectually and take what you deserve starting from now

You cannot always be the one who feels sorry for the others, the one who always runs away, the one who always gives and never takes no, no you cannot be that kind of person because it has an expensive price that you can not pay - it leaves you with less of everything you could have

Dear Laureat,

I agree perfectly with Standing up for one's Intellectual Integrity, but only within the confines of an Intellectual Milieu. But Most Job Settings, Most Social Settings, and Most Relationships are not Intellectual Milieus. In Almost Every Case where you Stand Up for your Intellectual Integrity, in Social, Career, or Relationship Setting, it will simply be Understood as 'Arguing' (what Intellectual has not heard it a Thousand times, after explaining a viewpoint, "Well, you can think what you want, but I HATE TO Argue", and they will even say that after it was They Themselves who first started making critical objections). You need to consider that if someone ISN'T an Intellectual, then it is Very Likely they do not Care about your Intellectual Fine Distinctions, or perhaps even have the Mental Training and Capacity to Understand what you are saying (even most people with College Degrees only Studied what they needed for their Careers, which makes their College Educations just Glorified Vocational Training, and so they are not really 'Educated' at all in any Broad Civilized Sense of the Term). Such People will see you as just Arguing and trying to be a Snobby Know It All. Yes, even in relationships, between people who are supposed to love each other, to Intellectualize is nearly always seen as Patronizing and Condescending by the one who is less Intellectually enthusiastic (which is usually the one who Loses the Point and harbors a grudge about it).

So WHAT are you trying to Accomplish? Yes, you WANT to Assert Yourself and Display your Understanding, and I can understand that better than most, BUT, isn't it Silly to try to Convince a Wall, a Stone, a Pool of Muddy Water, and Most People?

If God wanted Intellectuals to always be defending their Points to Everybody, then He or She would NOT have given us the Ability to Roll our Eyes and Shrug our Shoulders.

This is why Smart People should make the time to either take advanced College Courses, or join Intellectual Book Clubs or other Social Clubs were Intellectualizing comes with the Territory and is welcomed.

Otherwise, one should go to the Gym at least twice a week and pump up those Eye Rolling and Shoulder Shrugging muscles.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has commented. After a few little incidents in the following weeks I found that I was able to control my anger a lot better. It think I have been able to put several issues that have been bothering me for some time to rest and I feel much happier. My sisters behaviour has also improved and I feel like I have gone back to being the laid back easy going person I usually am. I am starting a new year of school soon and I feel a lot more assured with myself and my level of control

undia wrote:I just want to say thank you to everyone who has commented. After a few little incidents in the following weeks I found that I was able to control my anger a lot better. It think I have been able to put several issues that have been bothering me for some time to rest and I feel much happier. My sisters behaviour has also improved and I feel like I have gone back to being the laid back easy going person I usually am. I am starting a new year of school soon and I feel a lot more assured with myself and my level of control

Well, good. But many Angry People think that they are cured simply because nothing is triggering them for a while. So be careful. The Bear might not be Dead. It might just be hibernating.

williamStarks wrote:Hi,Anger is an intense emotion.Actually Anger Developed due to some violated situation.It also impact on the body.But Hypnosis really works to overcome from the problem of anger.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Stark,

Perhaps autohypnosis could work too.

I have an odd story about Autohypnosis. Back about 2 or 3 decades ago I began to experiment with Autohypnosis and had this fixed procedure for bringing myself down and implementing autosuggestions, but then I began to wonder "how is it that I fixed on this particular methodology". The more I thought about it, the more I kept visualizing a suburban house, a door going through the garage to a little office, and a lady by the name of Kennedy. So I looked in the phone book (this was in the days before Internet... kids today can't even imagine how we lived in those days), and there was a hypnotherapist named Dr. Joan Kennedy, so I called her and said "This will sound stupid but my name is Leo Volont and I was wondering if I had an appointment with you some while back". She laughed and said yes, and that kind of thing often happens. When she hypnotizes clients she tries to back herself out of the process and leave as few footprints as possible. that is so the Mind can latch onto the Autosuggestion without distracting associations, projections or transferences to the hypnotherapist. so often people remember that they wanted to set up an appointment with her, but suddenly did not have a problem anymore and so they let it drop, until they get the same kind of little flashes of memory I got. Oh! then I wondered what she must have charged me while I was all tranced out! So I looked back in my check register and found the entry... it was okay... well under what most doctors or dentist charge for an appointment.

Fascinating, huh? Well, apparently I went to her in order to get a methodology for autohypnosis. Now, that you mention it, Autohypnosis could be a very useful tool with the Cognitive Behavioral Therapies, that is, when a person is trying to get a handle on negative habitual thought and behavioral patterns.

Undia, are you okay? I don't know for sure what you are saying, except for "it's gotten a whole lot worse", and that's not good.

Yes, I was a bit concerned when you wrote in months ago saying that after a week is was a whole lot better and you were back to normal. But a Tendency Towards Anger doesn't go away that easily. Some people think they only need a Change of Attitude, and, yes, a Change of Attitude is a great place to start, but one needs to do some kind of Anger Management Activity everyday in order to keep focused on the Change we want to make in our Habitual Patterns of Thinking (negativity and taking offense at things) and our habitual patterns of behavior (contradicting people over stuff that doesn't matter, or not greeting and smiling at people we don't like... which invites them to be our active enemies). Also, we need to stay focused on Anger Management, daily, in order to remember the Cortisol Trick (relaxing the jaw muscles and clenched teeth automatically shuts off Cortisol -- that Anger Juice that pumps in our veins).

Have you been reading any Anger Management books. Go online. My best author is Ronald Potter-Efron. He wrote a number of books, and so pick the 3 that you like the most and read a chapter every day.