Saturday, February 14, 2004

Ah, Valentine's Day. The day in which we (choose your answer based on your current relationship status and feelings towards same) celebrate love/feed the commercial beast in a hollow attempt to purchase human affection. But why is love the only human feeling that gets its own holiday? It's high time that every single shade of the emotional rainbow is celebrated in its own special day, complete with matching cards and gifts available wherever cheap disposable goods are sold. Here's a list of just some of the new holidays you will be required to observe or else face wrath and shunning from your friends and loved ones:

- April 19th will be St. Boniface's Day, a celebration of hatred. Let those people you've been barely tolerating throughout the rest of the year know how you really feel on this day. Gifts range from cards bearing a simple message of disgust to a special arrangement of animal feces and rotting cow parts for those you particularly despise.

- January 27th will be St. Jonas' Day, a holiday dedicated to indifferent tolerance. For the hundreds of people in your life (co-workers, friends of friends, even family members) for whom you have neither affection nor disgust. Give a gift that says "we have nothing in common, but I still support your general right to exist."

- June 7th will be St. Ambrose's Day, devoted to alienation. A day to embrace the sullen 15 year old in all of us. Suggested ways of celebration include sulking, brooding, wearing all black, and getting into loud shouting matches with your parents. J.D. Salinger has licensed Holden Caulfield for Hallmark's new line of "You Just Don't Understand, Man" cards for this special event.

- August 29th will be St. Theodore's Day, the first holiday completely dedicated to total confusion. Introduce befuddlement into a total stranger's life on this day by giving a random and completely inappropriate gift - from geriatric supplies for young people to feminine hygiene products for the burliest man you know.

- October 14th will be St. Kenneth's Day, a holiday to revel in vague, wistful regret. Celebrate by reliving past failures, quiet sighs, and mournful stares into the distance. The "General Apologies for Whatever I Did Wrong" card will be a popular seller around this holiday.