Gwen Petersen: In a Sow’s Ear 11-21-11

Occupiers … Oh, my … Remember when you were young enough to think you could fix the world? Today’s batch of young fixers is a highly entertaining horde. They’ve taken whining to a new level.

While I don’t care to take sides, I do offer a service. One that I can manage from the comfort of my dwelling. I’ve named the service AOCAS – Automated Occupiers Communication and Advisory Service. This service will allow caterwauling protesters to bond with Occupiers all over the country. It works like this: An Occupier opens his or her cell phone and punches in AOCAS. Immediately an automated voice responds:

“Good Morning, you have reached the Automated Occupiers Communication and Advisory Service. In order to assist you in occupying the right park, campus, public building, institution or any chosen street, listen to all options before making a selection:

To whine about why you are ‘occupying,’ Press 1.

To make excuses for being dirty, unkempt, and rude, Press 2.

To expect free food and drink, Press 3.

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To swear at officials, police or passersby, Press 4.

To complain that you are without a job, Press 5.

If you want to hit, spit-on or slap someone, Press 6.

To expect free camping gear from the Gap, Press 7.

To scream about rich dudes and their money, Press 8.

To claim that defecating and urinating on park grass, the floor of a building or the halls of a college is your right, Press 9.

If you wish to buy ‘Occupy All Streets’ T shirts from rapper J-Z,

Press 10.

To confirm that your cell phone, iPod, iPad, computer and GPS have been paid for by your parents or stolen, Press 11.

To complain about the free food provided you while you occupy, Press 12.

To request more spray paint and cardboard for sign-making, Press 13.

To have your misspellings corrected, Press 14.

If you want this list in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

If you realize that in the real world, you must work hard, be accountable and responsible for your behavior and that it’s not everybody else’s fault if you fail in life – please hang up and have a nice day.”