I must apologize, but I’ve been remiss in my blogging duties. Recently I discovered through my site stats that somebody came to my blog desperately searching for an answer to a problem that I know we’ve all faced at one time or another. I feel kind of bad that I had not as yet addressed the issue when they stopped by and that whomever the searcher was, they went away empty-handed and, I feel I can safely assume, their head bowed in grief.

It tears me up inside that I have neglected tackling this sensitive subject for this long, but today is the day that I rectify my mistake in a new blog feature I’m going to call DearAskMake Inquiry of Matty G.

An aside to the searcher who inspired this post; I hope that if you haven’t yet found an answer to your question that you will stumble upon my site again and that what I have to say on this subject will finally bring you some clarity and perhaps a little peace.

With that said, here is the first Make Inquiry of Matty G: “How to Tape a Tomato Back Together”

Seriously. Also, I may have to tackle the problem of a "melty chocolate hat". Seems like that could be an embarrassing issue that should be handled with sensitivity and respect which makes me the perfect person to give advice for it.

The method I like to use for treating a broken tomato is a little thing I like to call Tomato Triage. How messed up is your tomato? Can it even be saved? Here are some handy visuals to determine the amount of damage your tomato has taken and the treatment thereof. WARNING: GRAPHIC IMAGES AHEAD:

Stage 1: Anthropomorphic

Anthropomorphic tomatoes do not need any care and should be left well enough alone. If they turn on you and start killing people, a hefty dose of “Puberty Love” should take care of the problem.

Stage 2: Side Splitting

While not as humorous as the name might suggest, the Side Splitting stage is generally easily fixed and can be handled with a combination of Scotch tape and wood glue.

Stage 3: Wolverine Berserker-Style

Usually the result of a vicious assault (and sometimes pepper), sliced tomatoes are in dire straits, but they don’t call me Money for nothing*. They can still be saved. The treatment for a sliced tomato requires nerves of steel, a steady hand, industrial strength epoxy and the handyman’s secret weapon, duct tape. The resulting tomato won’t ever look the same, but it will be alive and that’s all that counts.

*That just happened

Stage 4: I'm Sorry, You've Been Chopped

Unfortunately, with tomatoes that have been chopped into pieces like this, there is nothing to do except to make them as comfortable as possible while their life juices run out.

Stage 5: Saucy Little Minx

If a tomato has reached this stage it’s already gone, but at least it’s no longer suffering. There’s nothing you can do except notify the next of kin and start boiling the pasta. Also, adding a little basil wouldn’t be the worst thing ever.

So that’s it for this week’s Make Inquiry of Matty G. If you have any questions for which you require bad advice which will probably not be answered in a very timely manner, shoot me an e-mail at mattygfresh@gmail.com with “Make Inquiry of Matty G” in the subject line.

A melty chocolate hat is a most grievous condition. Of course, the solution is entirely dependent upon how melty it is. But if I’m really being honest, my solution will always be to eat anything containing chocolate. There’s no point in denying it.