I made a new friend in one of my classes. She’s around my age, and we have some things in common, so I did the “hey, let’s connect on social media” thing. We walked out of class, talked for a few minutes, and then got to talking about having coffee after class one day. But I had to get going because Latefordinner had to take Tuna to one of his things. I had to hurry home to be home with the littles. She asked me if I had ever been to this place in town, or this other place…she had to go shopping there, and go eat over there. Shopping? At a little place? You mean somewhere other than Costco or Target? Wouldn’t that other place be Amazon?

You see, this new friend who is around my age and also in college, doesn’t have children.

She said, “You’ve never been there?!”

“No, I have no life”, I said with a smile.

We laughed, and I found myself floating away from this new friend in front of me. We do actually have things in common–we feed off of each other in class discussions, and we both lean toward holistic practices, plus there’s the age thing. Age…it really is nothing. Her laughter was coming from a very different place of understanding, in which someone my age actually did have a “life”, and was not a mother. I wonder why she laughed, actually. Probably just because I did. Politeness. She’s nice, so I’m sure she didn’t actually think anything of it. But of course I did.

We separated, and I had that unsettled feeling, hearing the echo of myself saying “I have no life” in my head.

It was such a quick realization this time. No pondering the depths, just hearing the echo come back saying:

“You have SUCH A LIFE!”

And it’s true! My life is FULL, and RICH. Not with the freedom to shop in little shops, or eat out all the time; but with my full, rich family. My family gives me SUCH a life. My life is enriching and busy and chaotic and messy and scary and exciting and boring and breathtaking. My life is a roller coaster of exhilaration and fear and love and boys and marriage and school. My life is PACKED with NEWNESS every day, jammed with sameness, overflowing with opportunities to grow and thrive and teach and learn. Every. Single. Day. of my life is SUCH A DAY.

Psh, no life. Why did I even say that? What a thing to say. I don’t have time to have no life. That is the stuff of midlife crises. There is no crisis when every age is SUCH an age. Every life we live within this one is exactly what it should be. There is no need to call motherhood and marriage and college less than life, because it is exactly what completes me now. Accepting SUCH a life is crisis-prevention.

Try it: Tell yourself you have no life. If you don’t hear that echo back, YELL IT BACK. Every one of you has SUCH a life.

I wonder, if someone filmed me throughout my day, would it look like other mothers’ days? I wish I could SHOW you what it’s like. I know we aren’t totally normal, but are we that different?

This morning, I managed to get everyone to the van with enough time to squeeze them to school mostly on time. I sent them all out to the van, came out, and of course no one was actually in the van. That would be too simple. They were all wandering around outside. Before I could say anything about why the eff they weren’t buckled in and ready to roll, Tuna announced that Binker had to poop. Me: “Then why aren’t you inside pooping??!!”

So he slowwwwly walks to the door, and I tell him to “HURRRRYYYY UUUUP!!!” Seriously, how does it take three minutes to walk inside and sit on the toilet?

So the rest of us are waiting in the driveway….waiting….waiting….I check on him a couple of times…………..He is the world’s slowest pooper. He took at least 87 minutes just wiping. And we’re officially late. We pull out of the driveway at 8:20–exactly when we should be arriving at school. I should start recording the number of times we’ve been late because of poop.

Before all of that, my house wasn’t the vision of three angel children getting dressed, eating breakfast, brushing teeth, putting on shoes, and going to the van. That’s ALL THEY HAVE TO DO. Those simple steps. That’s IT. I have seven million things to do. They have FIVE things to do. Why in God’s great Universe do they not understand, after years of school mornings, this simplicity?! I have charts, timers for when it’s time to get shoes on, timers for when it’s time to go out the door, I even remind them every step of the way while I’m doing my stuff (making lunches, sucking down coffee, putting out fires…). They can’t find the right socks, they are fighting with each other, they are playing with Legos still with bare feet…and this morning Binker was constantly whining about how he didn’t feel well enough to go to school–over and over and over he whined at me while I was trying to think! Whined at me while I sprayed him with Mucinex and shoved Tylenol down him–You’re going. to. school. damnit! (He was totally fine.) It’s SO hard to just THINK when three little boys need a million things–things that they don’t even need–right NOW.

The hardest part is keeping my cool. I have challenged myself to keep it cool for four days in a row. So far this week (it’s Tuesday) I’ve reset my challenge twice. So much for that. How about three?

Then Squishy and I have our day doing this and that (Today. Other days are crazier), going here and there, accomplishing things, playing…and then it’s time for pick-up. Armor on. Enter whiny tired Squishy after the day and the playground, talky talky talky Binker, grumpy hangry Tuna…all talking and whining and fighting with each other over the stupidest shit in the Universe, all at the same time. It’s great fun. Not headache-inducing at all. We get home and Squishy has a three hour long meltdown about Angry Birds, Binker gets emotional about his old bed that we sold, and Tuna is about to pass out because he couldn’t sleep last night. I really don’t know how I managed to feed and bathe them (help from Latefordinner). Falling asleep didn’t take long, thank all of the Gods of this great Universe for that.

So, with three angels slumbering, I sat down at my computer to do my homework, and realized that this blegh post was in order. Seriously. Because there has to be another parent out there who deals with the intensity, who deals with the morning rush, who is late because of poop. It’s a major challenge for me–to keep my cool when poop makes us late. To keep my cool when Binker is on the top bunk with Legos when he should be putting shoes on. To keep my cool when the cat gets on the table and eats Squishy’s cereal. To keep my cool when Tuna wants to discuss the meaning of life before coffee–every single day.

Your lessons will continue to present themselves until you learn them. These effed up days are not about my kids learning how to get ready on time (well, they sort of are, but not completely). These days are about ME learning how to find that center of the cyclone while lateness and distractions and poop are happening around me daily before coffee. I have three days left this week to rise to my own challenge of keeping my cool. I really hope I don’t have to reset again tomorrow. This is a tough one, because I think that these smart boys should just get it.

I have memories of sitting on the heater vent in the winter mornings, my mom throwing my clothes at me, telling me very nicely to get dressed. Man, I don’t remember her yelling at me like I do at my boys. I remember watching the last remaining cheerios in my bowl move toward each other, making shapes out of three or four circles together. I would make a ripple in the milk, and they’d re-form into new shapes–faces, animals, boats… It was like cloud-watching in a bowl. I wasn’t thinking about the clock. I had no concept of time or school bells. I was cold first, then having a warmer zen moment with my cheerios. I am constantly disrupting my kids’ zen moments with these stupid deadlines. I tell them “I didn’t invent the clock. We all just have to follow it if we want to succeed in this world.” How does a little dreamer child even come to understand that? The kids need to learn, yes, and the adults need to REMEMBER. We are all born dreamers, the clock is man-made. Maybe I’ll meet them in the middle–they will learn the clock, and I will re-learn zen cheerios. I should at least try, and probably harder than they do.

Maybe each household’s morning looks different, but these kids are probably pretty similar. If you struggle with your routine, I hope you can try with me, to not be quite so normal. I hope that some of us can remember that what some consider “different”, is actually closer to where we began–little cloud-watchers outside of time.

Man, I hope I remember that tomorrow morning when I have to get them out the door again. We can look at clouds on the way.

There’s a book called Mindset by Carol Dewck. It’s becoming widely read by educators, and many parents. A friend of mine just wrote an awesome piece about it here. The idea of cultivating a growth mindset has been popping up for me, beginning with a consultant at my boys’ school handing me the book three years ago. I put it off, being busy and all, and I think I actually over-borrowed her book by a year or something. Oops! So I finally read it, and the gist is that we can choose to have a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. You can change your way of thinking, and you can choose to try hard at things that aren’t easy. Of course there is much more to it, and you should pick up that book.

This seemed like a really simple concept, and I pshawed the idea that I needed to change my mindset. Of course I had a growth mindset! My mind has had a lot of attention! I spent my late teens and twenties working on myself, understanding how I worked, and I came pretty darn far with that, thankyouverymuch. I needed those years for that. My mindset was solid. It was my kids who needed some help here, not me.

The last couple of years brought parent-teacher conferences where I heard that my boys were awesome, except they needed to learn to persevere when things didn’t come easily right away. I would heavy sigh, internally blame it on Latefordinner, and say “I don’t know where they get that!” That’s not how I do things! And I work on it with them. I take them for very long hikes in the woods and make them figure out how to get back, dragging them for miles when they want to quit. I make them do chores for screen time, teaching them new chores and following through with my rules. I use the mantra my parents used: “You can do hard things!” I make them problem solve, forcing them to figure things out before I help them. But the desire to work hard still doesn’t seem to be ingrained in their psyche, in their mindset.

The other day Tuna got a new Transformer. He was frustrated because it wasn’t easy, and Latefordinner wouldn’t help him. He reminded him that he used to get frustrated when he was four (he’s almost 11 now), but now he had to big-kid-up and figure it out. Tuna carried that thing around with him all day, working and working on it until he could transform that thing in 10 seconds. And he did it! He was so proud of himself.

Then he came to me and wanted ME to try it.

Asking me to do Transformers is like asking me to sew something–I might throw a tantrum and smash stuff. I have avoided Transformers for seven years now, passing them off on Latefordinner, because I CAN’T DO THEM. I HATE doing them, and no one is going to make me!!

So I wouldn’t do it. I actually snapped at him and asked why he even wanted me to do it. Did he think it was funny that I’m not mechanically inclined? Did he want to watch me fail? No, I wouldn’t do it. I don’t sew, and I don’t do Transformers. I had the fixed mindset that I couldn’t do Transformers, and I refused to try something hard. I told Tuna I would not try. Now, there are some things in life we just don’t have to do as adults–taxes, sewing, washing cars, dishes…oh wait, gotta do those. BUT, when my child came to me and wanted me to try his Transformer, it was an opportunity to teach him how to do hard things. I stomped my foot and refused!

The whole thing didn’t sit right with me. I knew I was being hypocritical and childish. I almost blew my opportunity to model the growth mindset. …..until I realized what I was doing. I took me a day, actually. Once the lightbulb went off–I think it was Latefordinner’s account of telling Tuna to work hard that flipped the switch– I went to him and asked him to teach me, and to be patient with me. I explained that I really should work harder on the things that don’t come easily.

It turns out he is an excellent teacher! And, I was a pretty good student. Transformers are hard when you’re me. I can do hard things.

How many other times had I unknowingly taught him not to try? How to quit? How to not even begin?? How many other opportunities have I blown?

The good news is that Tuna (10), Binker (6), and Squishy (3) are still young enough to catch on, and they’ll have minimal damage. I am always brought back to the mirror in parenting. I used to call Tuna my little mirror–he shows me the truth of who I am–he is a reflection of me. Somewhere along the chaotic way I lost that, (I think because it’s a bit overwhelming to see three different perspectives of your own reflection, like a three-way mirror), and this has been a shining reminder to do some inward reflecting. It’s the same concept as putting on your own oxygen mask first before helping others–how can I grow their mindsets if I’m in denial about my own? I’ve spent too much time projecting, not realizing that I’ve been giving away my opportunities for growth. Mindsets, like reflections, are never solid. We are never ever done growing. Who was I to think I didn’t need to change? I really hope to hear some hard work reports at conferences this year.

You know what I don’t do? Fold wash cloths. Or underwear. I don’t care if my 3-year-old goes out to swing in his underwear. I don’t exercise every day. I don’t feel guilty when I tell Latefordinner that I have to get out of the house ALONE. I don’t make my boys keep their rooms clean. I don’t keep my room clean. I don’t keep a garden. I don’t take for granted that Latefordinner supports my need to get out ALONE. I don’t stress if I eat ice cream. I don’t like negativity. I don’t want to keep writing about what I don’t do….

Except for this one thing I didn’t do yesterday–I didn’t do what I swore I’d never do (stay with me), and that’s NOT JUDGE ANOTHER MOM, EVER.

I ran into the drug store yesterday for some things, and was deciding on which gum to get, when I heard a mom two aisles behind me say, “No, we have that at home. Put it back.” I heard a tiny person whining, and then, “I told you to put it back. I’m going to count to three, and if you don’t put it back you’re getting a spanking.”

Then I heard “Three, two, one.”…….Smack!

And the baby boy cried and cried, and said “Ouchie! Owww! That hurts!” And the mom walked by, baby on hip, sobbing two-year-old in tow.

And you guys, I did the thing. I did that thing that is so devastating to mothers everywhere: I looked her in the eye and shook my head at her. And she looked me in the eye and I could read her mind, “you bitch, you don’t know me.” I could have just minded my business, but I broke my oath to never judge a mother, and I judged. Openly. I’ve been given that look before, but not for hitting my kid. I get that look when my kid is acting up, and I am not dealing with it the way the glaring woman would. I get that look for what I don’t do.

So, here’s the thing: she spanked her baby boy in a public place. He was sobbing, and my heart hurt for him. Why, after all my years as a seasoned mother, and firm believer in non-judginess, did my heart not hurt for her? Maybe she didn’t know any better. Maybe she thinks she’s doing the right thing. Maybe she just doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing and needs to get her damn head on straight before she messes her kid up…uh, I mean…ugh,there’s the judginess. She didn’t beat him, she smacked his butt. She didn’t yell at him, she counted to three. She didn’t look angry…and that’s the thing…why would you be violent if you’re not angry?

First: I don’t believe in hitting children. It is psychologically damaging; and does nothing to teach, nurture growth, or effectively discipline.

Second: Even though I don’t believe in hitting children, I have lost my temper and smacked a butt a few times. It very rarely happens, I’m not proud of it, and I have apologized to my children each time. I have explained that mommy can make mistakes too, etc. Of course we also talked about his behavior, but a child’s behavior is just his way of asking for help. It’s HARD to remember that sometimes, seriously, like when they’re being complete jerks and you just want to SMACK them. But you don’t (99.9% of the time). Because you don’t believe in hitting. Because you are the grown up. Because you want to lead by example. Because hitting hurts.

Third: I have never hit my child because he wouldn’t put something back on a shelf by the count of three. In a public place. Or in any place. That’s just ridiculous. Yeah, I’m judging.

BUT, Shaking my head at her probably just made her angry, and hurt, and probably did more to isolate her more than maybe she already is. Shaking my head disapprovingly probably did nothing to help her. Judging her, even if I do disagree with her actions, does nothing to help. Maybe she felt sorry, and helpless, and hopeless. Maybe she needed a hug (even though I just wanted to hug that baby boy). Maybe she is looking for another way. Maybe no one is supporting her. I wasn’t sure where this would go when I started writing, but now I know: What I don’t do is feel good when I judge. What I don’t do is help when I judge. What I don’t do is really know anything when I think I do. What I don’t do is withhold compassion where it seems to be undeserving.

Because those who need compassion are the ones who act out. Because a mother’s behavior may be her way of asking for help. Looking again at her non-angry face, I can now see that she was just as scared as her boy. She really didn’t know what else to do.

I firmly reaffirm my resolve to support other moms, even if I don’t agree with their actions. I hated what I saw. It broke my heart. But, I don’t know her. Who knows her story?

So here’s what I DO do:

I do yell at my kids sometimes.

I do sometimes yell into the backyard like a redneck so the neighborhood can hear me.

I do follow through with what I say, even if I regret having to do it.

I do not like it when Binker sticks his tongue out at me and runs away. Wait, that’s a negative.

Ok, um, I do feel helpless as to what to do with him sometimes. He’s like a honey badger. Seriously.

I do feel helpless when Tuna loses his temper at Binker and tackles him to the floor while screaming in his face about making annoying sounds. Binker silently provokes, Tuna loses his temper. Tuna gets in trouble. Binker gets reprimanded……and on and on until I sometimes lose my temper and send them to their rooms with no solid discipline or clear idea of how to handle it from there.

And every mother feels helpless sometimes. And every mother needs help sometimes. And sometimes that help is silence. A nod. A smile. A hug. A look of solidarity, even if you know what she should do when she doesn’t have a clue.

What I don’t do is agree with that mother’s choices.

What I DO do is have compassion for her.

Because we all make mistakes in the great oneness of motherhood,

and I hope to receive that compassion when I would otherwise be judged by Smug-Faced Bitchy McJudgerton (me yesterday).