Wednesday, January 29, 2014

I'm putting off counseling for a bit. I'm thinking of a new way to go about things. I think I'm just going to try to occupy myself so I don't really have time to think. There's so many things that I want to do and places I want to go, but I'm kinda stuck in this rut and this routine is getting old. My bff and I started making lists of things we wanted to accomplish before each milestone birthday. For example- When we were 21, we made a list of 25 things we wanted to do before we turned 25 and now we are working on a list of 30 things we want to do before we turn 30. I'm sure I've mentioned it before and maybe even posted my list. Well... I'm going to get down and serious about this list and get things done. I've even made a bucket list of things I want to do or accomplish before I die. So here's my list of 30 things...

30 Things to do before I’m 30

Buy a house (checked off)

Empty storage building and have yard sale (half checked off)

Organize photo albums

Go canoeing

Get a new job/or great at my current job

Get a new car (got a different car, not new but new to me)

Take up a new hobby (working out count?)

Make a Thanksgiving dinner

Drink a fancy wine

Get back to pre-Lilly weight

Get a new hairdo

Go to the beach

Ride a horse

Get a tattoo for Zach

Have 2 more people I consider close friends

Learn how use a sewing machine

Run a half marathon

Take kids to museum (checked off)

Ride in a big boat

Ride in an airplane for the first time

Go ice skating

Go Zip lining

Go to Disneyworld/land

Be in the best shape of my life on my 30th birthday

Ride in a train

Take kids camping

See a flash mob

Get my house organized and decorated

Be a secret Santa for a needy family

Take a REAL vacation

And I found this website bucketlist.org where I've made my bucket list. Here's that one, some of it does correspond with my 30's list.

Zach's party went ok. There was a snow storm, so only like 20 people came, but he had a blast and that's all that matters. His best friend showed up too. The weather has been horribly old lately, but I don't mind it. We've played in the snow so many times too. I just realized the other day that I cannot find the 4 shirts I bought Zach for Christmas. He has never worn them! I can find all his other clothes that he got for Christmas, but not what I got him. I keep looking, but I can't find it.
I'm not really in a better mood persay, I do think I still need therapy and/or someone to talk to, but I'm going to try just occupying myself first and see how that goes. I'm sure the kids will enjoy doing so many new things too.

Friday, January 24, 2014

I think its time for me to seek counseling for myself. This medication just isn't enough. I need someone to talk to. I don't really have anyone. I got online and looked up a therapist and it asked to fill out forms before coming in for an appt. I almost cried just reading the forms asking about abuse and depression.... I wanted to call or text someone to even talk about my feelings for that and I couldn't think of a single person I could talk to about it. My mom maybe. So I resorted to my blog to express myself.

I'm deeply burdened by so many things and I'm about to explode. I came to the harsh realization that if it wasn't for handful of people in life, 2 are my kids, I probably would have ended my life by now. My kids and my younger brothers are the only things keeping me alive right now. I constantly am thinking about wrecking my car while driving. I wonder if I was just injured, who would show up in the hospital... if I died, who would really care. I know I have plenty of people in my life, but who are the ones that actually care and love me for me. Things are just bad right now. My medicine isn't working or something. Its not just people, its situations that I'm beginning to not be able to deal with. I don't enjoy doing anything anymore and its like I have to force myself to engage in anything. For the sake of my kids, I'm trying so hard to not become a bedridden hermit. My kids are my pride and joy and I can't stand the thought of leaving them.

Memories of past abuse have been circling my head constantly lately. I've forgiven most of the abuse and I've tried to forget, but it just keeps coming back. And then there's the present... hubby who recently got caught trying to cheat on me, who doesn't help out unless I'm at my breaking point and have to ask him 10 times, who sits in front of the tv or on his phone all day, who hardly is home, who yells at me over the littlest things, who gets very upset when I try to express myself or feelings, who won't sit down and have a serious conversation with me, who makes me feel like everything is my fault and I'm the one to blame, who just last night got mad at me and spent the night on the couch because I got mad that he let Zach stay up until 10:00, who makes me feel guilty for everything, who only thinks of himself and does what he wants when he wants..... I'm about to break. Here's exactly what happened last night-

At 8:15 I told hubby to put the kids to bed and I hopped in the shower. 8:45 I got out and put leftover dinner in the fridge and cleaned up a bit. He was in the living room watching tv or whatever. 9:00 I went in the kids rooms and turned off the tv and told them 'night. Zach wanted to get up to tell Oreo and hubby night. I picked him up and carried him in to hubby and sat him on his lap. I said, "Zach wanted to tell you goodnight. I'm going to go dry my hair. Put him back in bed and change his diaper." Him-"Does he need a diaper change?" Me-"He doesn't have a night time diaper on" and I walked off. While drying my hair, Oreo peed in the floor, hubby cussed and threw a fit, put the dog out and cleaned it up. After I was done, I sat on my bed and watched tv until 10. Zach started crying. I go in his room and his tv is on! Hubby comes in the room. Me- "Why is Zach's tv on?" Him-"What do you mean?" Me-"His tv is on, its 10, I turned it off" Him-"When did you turn it off?" Me-"At 9:00 when I brought him to you." Him- "I let him turn it back on when I brought him back to bed" Me-"Why?" Him-"I didn't know what time it was." Me-"His tv was off late at night, why would you let him turn it back on." (note- we are talking in normal voices and still in Zach's room) Him-"You don't have to badger me" Me-"I'm not going to be able to get him up on the morning now." I walk off and go to my bedroom. He comes in a minute later. Him yelling-"You don't have to yell at me, I'm trying" I don't say anything and I never yelled. He walks in the bathroom and I hear him texting on his phone. He walks out and back in the living room where he stays all night. WTF happened? This crap right there is an every day thing with him. I can't acknowledge that anything is wrong or he goes off the deep-end and makes me feel so horrible. It took me 20 minutes to get Zach up out of bed this morning. He woke up twice last night just screaming and crying. Hubby made no effort to get up like always.

I can't even talk to him about what happened last night. If the past has taught me anything its that he will either yell at me and tell me its my fault or tell me I need an attitude adjustment and storm out the door and not come back until well after midnight while I'm sitting with the kids alone crying my eyes out wondering where the hell he is.

Last night before all that happened, I told him that since he is off for the next week, I want him to get Zach's toddler bed in his room tomorrow (today). He said he couldn't I asked why and he said he has things to do. I ask what and he says things. I ask what things and he says that he can't tell me. I sit and stare at him waiting on an answer and he gets up and walks off. He's been telling me since Halloween that he was going to get Zach's bed up and what in the world could he be doing that he can't tell me? After just 2 months of catching him trying to cheat on me, this is not something I want to hear.

All this, is everyday. Every single day. And then you throw in the stress of everything else and I'm about to explode- Work, kids fighting, cooking, cleaning, the dog, my own family stress and problems, money, no time, softball, homework, and trying to please everyone... I don't know how much more I can handle.

That's why I looked up a therapist. That's why I'm sitting here typing this. I have no one to talk to about any of this, about how I feel, about what I'm going through, about the stress, about the flashbacks, about the never ending fight to hold back tears......

Honestly there's one person I think would understand everything, but I can't really talk to her or I'll be betraying hubby. He hasn't talked to her in over a year, and I'm friendly with her, but that's it. I do miss her and right now I feel like I need her, but I can't.

On a lighter note, Zach's party is tomorrow. I have no idea how many people are coming. I'm fully stressing about it. I'm out of money and there are still things I need to buy. Hubby hasn't chipped in at all. He ordered the cake for 30 people after I told him that more than was invited, so now I'm going to make cupcakes too. That's all he's done. I got the gifts, I got the decorations, I got the place. Now I'm freaking out because I have to get a few more things and finish paying for the place and I can't, but I'm afraid to ask hubby for money. I hope everything goes ok.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

I was sick all weekend... I was dizzy, my body ached, my throat was sore and swollen, I constantly had a headache... I'm still a little sick today, but I'm feeling better.
Yesterday was Zach's third birthday. I took the day off to spend with him and Lilly was home too because school was canceled due to snow. We played in the snow until Zach went face first into the snow off of a sled. His face was so cold and he wouldn't stop crying so we went in to warm up. At 4:15, the time he was born, me and Lilly sang him "Happy Birthday" and I lit a candle for him to blow out. He was going around all day singing happy birthday to himself too. It was too cute. His party is Saturday and I think I'm ready for it now. I just have to buy some cupcake mix and a helium tank and we're all set.
The water here is supposed to be fine now, but I can still smell the chemical in it. We still aren't drinking or cooking with it. Mom was convinced that I was sick because of the water. I thought I had a douse of the flu. I never got any rest to help me get rid of it. Today is my first day back at work and I'm feeling a little better. I still could use some sleep and maybe some soup....
Ok, so... all my life, I saw myself with 3 kids. I've always wanted 3. I tried to have a serious talk with hubby about having another child, but he just wasn't having it. He said he was done having kids and that is that. I don't know what his big deal is. He doesn't really deal with the kids... I do it all. He only jumps in when I tell him I need him to. Yeah, we'd probably have to move or build on to our house and I told him that we could wait a couple of year until he's making great money... but he didn't want to hear any of it. I really want another kid. I really do. Children just bring so much joy to my life. I love my kids to death. Yes, I do have days when I want to pull my hair out and there are days when all they do is fight and cry, but its all worth it. Part of me is wondering if he doesn't want to have another one because he doesn't plan on staying with me. I believe I did write about me catching him trying to cheat on me. I forgive too easily. If he's not happy in this marriage then he needs to attempt to fix what he belives is wrong or he needs to leave. I love him and I would like to go to counseling. The last thing I want is to be cheated on. I'd rather him just leave. I'll be happy alone with the kids. I've asked him about counseling before and he just says that he doesn't have the time. Maybe I should go. But a marriage cannot be one sided. Both people have to make an effort. That's one of the biggest problems. I try too hard and he doesn't try at all. I keep thinking that if I keep trying and be a wonderful wife, everything that he wants, that he will begin to make an effort and not try to sneak behind my back. I keep thinking that, but it hasn't worked yet. I guess he will never change. Part of me wonders why I stay. If he's clearly not happy and I'm not happy because he's not happy, then what's the good in it? Well.... that paragraph took a turn, didn't it? Ok, I want another kid, I want to stay with hubby, but if he's not happy and not willing to try then there's not point and I know I'll be happy no matter what happens. I love him, but if he can't love me back, I'm not going to fight for it and I'll continue on with my life and focus all my energy on the kids. I thought that by being on these anti-depressants, it would make my outlook on my marriage change, but just because I'm happier doens't mean he is. He's been drifting away before we even got married. He was wondering eyes and is very secretive and I've caught him a few times trying to cheat on me. Am I stupid to stay?
Going off that topic now.... I think I've made up my mind.. If I ever make it back to school, I'm going to major in Business. It just seems like the most logical thing to do. Its what I know even though I don't really want to know it. That's what working at a bank for 6 years will do to you. I wonder if I'd be happy as a teller. At least then I could work with the public again. There's this place that is about to open up about half an hour from my house.... its kind of a recovery place for babies that are born addicted to drugs. I've looked into working there and the only thing I qualify for is front desk and it makes minimum wage. They are recruiting volunteers to come in and cuddle with the babies. I WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT, but I don't have time to drive down there and cuddle. Maybe if they expand, they can open an office in the city I work and I can go cuddle babies on my lunch hour.
I'm about to fall asleep due to lack of sleep these past 5 days, so I'm going to go make me some coffee.

Friday, January 17, 2014

This past week has been difficult. Last Thursday there was chemical spill in the river and it swept into our water systems. We couldn't drink, wash, bathe or use the water in anyway. It smelled like candy and was bluish. We were put into a state of emergency. Friday, work was closed, schools were closed, day cares were closed, all restaurants were closed. I stayed in the house with the kids, I melted down the ice that we had in the ice tray and turned it off. I shut off the faucet to Zach's sink. By Friday night, I was reading on the news that most stores were out of bottled water. Saturday there were trucks upon trucks of water coming in. I went to the fire station and picked up 2 cases for my grandparents and took it to them. I went to the store and bought 2 cases of bottled water and 4 gallon jugs. Sunday, I went to mom's since she had clean water and me and the kids took showers. I filled up my empty containers and even the big 6 gallon water jugs we had stored away. On Monday, work was opened, they had bottled water coming in and hand sanitizer. I didn't go. Stayed home Tuesday too. Monday night, a few places were cleared to begin cleaning out their systems at home. I was not one of them. Work and my grandparents were clear. Slowly, throughout the week, more places were clear. As of 12:30 today, everyone was in the clear. We got cleared yesterday morning. We flushed out our systems, but I can still smell it. There's been reports of people breaking out in rashes and getting sick even after their water was in the clear. We aren't going to drink it for a long time. Zach did take a shower last night and he's fine. I brushed my teeth and washed my hands with the water and I'm fine. My bff took showers while NOT in the clear and she's fine. Its kinda like a hit and miss on who is getting sick from the water.

Wednesday, Lilly went to grandma's to shower and Zach came to work with me. He had fun. He watched the portable DVD player I brought. He played with his cars. We climbed the stairs. We walked to Subway and got sandwiches. At the end of the day, I got an email to not bring him in anymore because he was a distraction. He was certainly quieter than the gals in this office yelling across the room at each other. So I sent an email back saying I have no other choice, I have no one to watch him while day care is closed and I'm not using my sick days when no one is sick. So... he came to work with me the next day and Lilly went to they Y, it was open for school age kids. We stayed at my other desk that was in a room off to itself. I let him run around all crazy and do whatever he wanted. He wore himself out, but wouldn't take a nap.

Zach turns 3 on Tuesday!! I just now reserved the Y for next Saturday I was going to have it at my house, but I'm just expecting way too many people to show up now. I'm so not ready for this party. I haven't ordered the cake. I don't have any decorations. Events keep sneaking up on me. I've been so preoccupied with this water situation, that I didn't realize what day it was.

I have a lot of cleaning to catch up on this weekend. I wonder how much of it I'll decide to do with bottled water.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Christmas was crazy busy, but the kids had a blast. I got to see family and eat some good food. I didn't, however, get any kind of vacation day on my week long vacation. I was always on the go. Zach was missing his friends by the end of the week and Lilly had enough of me that I sent her camping with her father's mom. I missed her, but she had fun. She went out hunting with her too.

Everyone stayed up on New Years and we set off fireworks. Hubby knocked some over and we almost got hit by them, but we all survived.

The weather here sucks big time. Last night it was -7 degrees and this morning it was -3 when I got in my car. We've had a few snow storms, but nothing too bad. No school yet due to snow and cold weather, so Lilly's happy over that. She says she misses her friends though.

I had a filling fall out of my tooth Sunday night, so I stayed home from work yesterday. The dentist couldn't get me in until afternoon. I had a giant hole in the side of my tooth!

Zach's birthday is just 2 weeks away. I went Sunday and bought his big gift... a toy toolbench with tools. We are planning for a fire truck themed birthday party.

Lets see- Christmas.... I'm pretty sure the kids got everything they could want and then some. Lilly was so happy about the trampoline and Zach didn't really know what it was. I got pretty much everything I asked for... a heart rate monitor, sports bras, nice pj's.... hubby even bought me a bike. My bff got me a Yoga mat and a Yoga video. The gaming chair I bought hubby has been claimed by Zach. Lilly got so much artsy stuff that she can't decide what she wants to do first. Last night she got out 4 things and did a little of all of them and then complained that she never finished anything.

I've gained almost 10 pounds back from the almost 25 that I've lost. My pants are tight again. I'm getting back on track though. I let myself slip for the holidays, but its time to stop.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and is staying warm.

I know this is a really short post, but I've got a lot to do at work today.