Hi, my boyfriend and I are both 31, and we've been dating for 6 months...we're in the processing of meeting each other's families, and we're in love, so this is very serious. I've been cheated on in a past relationship, so I have trust issues and he knows this. He has several female friends whom he says are just friends.
I have looked at his cell phone and text messages because I am so afraid of being hurt and cheated on. For the most part they are innocent, until one time recently I discovered that he has been begging a close female friend for pictures of her breasts. Needless to say I am devasted.
I confronted him and he was honest with me, and was so ashamed of himself, not only for hurting me, but for treating his friend as an object. He apologized to me profusely, and said he would apologize to her as well and stop asking her. He told me he has a problem (addiction) with lust and pornography. He said he loves me very much and it has nothing to do with me, that he doesn't compare me to other women, etc, etc....but he just likes visuals of nude women. He said it doesn't mean he wants to be with them, he just likes seeing breasts....but to ask a FRIEND ? I told him I don't mind as much if it's internet or movie porn, because that is not realistic, but it hurts to know he's asking this of a FRIEND, someone who is REAL to him. He cried and said he wouldn't hurt me like that again.
My problem is that I'm having so much trouble believing and trusting him. I have been praying to God for support and that I will get through these feelings. My first thought was to leave him, but I really do love him and hope our relationship is strong enough to tackle this.
I need advice on how to stop looking/snooping into his phone...it's almost like it's become MY addiction, to look for something that's going to hurt me. I'm ashamed of violating his privacy and don't want to, but can't seem to stop.

Thoughts ?

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10-01-2007, 03:45 PM

#2

missbrit

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Join Date: May 2006

Posts: 122

Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

ouch! that must have hurt. i dont know what to say except, this could be a deal breaker for me- the asking the friend to see her naked. is he having an affair? do you trust him to be faithful only to you?

10-01-2007, 03:49 PM

#3

Sugafoot76

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Join Date: Oct 2007

Location: VA

Posts: 33

Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

Hi, thanks for your reply - well, seeing that he is with me almost all the time, I really don't think he's cheating on me...YET...but the asking for nude photos makes me think he is prone to it...I'm very hurt about it all...this might sound weird, but for the most part, I trust that he will not sleep with anyone else, but it hurts to know that his mind is on any other female but me, even for a moment...make sense ?

10-01-2007, 03:52 PM

#4

missbrit

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Join Date: May 2006

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Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

yes, it does make sense. i dont want to make you paranoid or more hurt. but, i want to be honest, the first 2 years are supposed to be the time with the highest chemistry...it has been only 6months..and, he is doing this? i'm with you, to me it wouldnt really matter if it was porn or something on the internet...but a friend?

a close guy friend of mine has always been like this with me- highly flirtatious, even when he has had a girlfriend. i know that if i just said the word we would be together. thing is, i dont want to be with him. but, i feel bad for his girlfriend.

Last edited by missbrit; 10-01-2007 at 03:53 PM.

10-01-2007, 03:58 PM

#5

Sugafoot76

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Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

That's what I've wondered...isn't this friend of his saying anything to him like "wow, you have a girlfriend and you're asking me for pics" ....when I asked him, he did say that she always knows to not take him seriously, and that he would lose respect for her if she actually did send nude photos, but he has a problem with looking at pornographic pictures, therefore it's like an addiction for him to try to get the pics...we've cried together, we've prayed together...and I know it's unfair for me to keep rehashing it with him and he has said he will do any and everything to make me see he only wants me, but I still cannot get away from the thoughts of it...when we're not together (like this evening), I'm constantly thinking who is he texting and is he asking someone for dirty photos....I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him....I don't know what to do.

10-01-2007, 04:04 PM

#6

missbrit

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Posts: 122

Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

hum. this is tough. maybe it is just me but i don't believe 100 percent of what someone tells me when they are caught in a lie. i think that people tend to try to cover their tracks. i just wonder why he thinks it is ok for him to ask her. i tend to think he has already seen her naked and perhaps had a fling with her. obviously at some point they have crossed the line. whether they still are, that i dont know. all i know is that it is SO early in your relationship for something like this. my main concern would be "how do i keep him from straying or getting bored and looking outside our relationship?" when in a way he already has. i hope someone else chimes in on your question as i feel i tend to be a bit jaded right now.
what is the nature of the relationship with this friend? have you met her?

10-01-2007, 04:13 PM

#7

Sugafoot76

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Location: VA

Posts: 33

Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

Thanks for your responses...I guess we're all a bit jaded and that's why we're here, but it helps to talk it out with other women. He's known this friend for 3 years - they used to work together - he says he hasn't seen her for over 6 months because he is always with me, and she has two jobs and is very busy. They text message every now and then...before he knew I was snooping, most of the texts between her and him were innocent and he's even told her in messages about me...she invited us to go to the beach with her and another male friend of hers...needless to say I will never go to the beach with her and my boyfriend...I'll always be thinking that he is looking at her in her bathing suit, etc...I have not met her....but apparently he's like her "Dr. Phil" (in his words) - she calls him for advice on her own dating blunders, etc...based on the messages from her, she's having a tough time finding someone and he always offers reassurance that she'll find someone someday....I think the fact that he tells her she's a great person and obviously she knows he thinks she's attractive, offers her an ego boost so whenever she is down she calls or texts him because she knows he will give that to her. He has said recently that he's tired of listening to her complain about her man problems though. I don't know...I'm so weary of it all...I really never felt threatened by her (and really don't even now), just threatened by his thoughts....

10-01-2007, 04:22 PM

#8

missbrit

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Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

well, if you can, remember not to misplace your anger on her. it was him who crossed the line with the request for pictures. again, this is such a new relationship....it is so early for these problems. that is my main concern. remember when you see one mouse there are usually 50 or so in your house. i would be concerned about what i am not seeing. would it be too much to tell him you are uncomfortable with this friendship and could he please not continue with it? again, because of my situation I am paranoid!

10-02-2007, 01:39 AM

#9

princessanna

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Location: London

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Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

Hi there,

I have been with my OH now for almost 2 years. I used to be addicted to looking through his mobile phone. I started looking at his mobile phone about 6 months into our relationship. I didn't always liked what I found.

One time he caught me red handed looking at a text message. He was disappointed in me. I confronted him about what I found. He was in touch with an ex girlfriend before me. The texts were not flirtatious but she is a bunny boiler and can not let go of him, he was encouraging her to keep in touch with him. Some texts he sent her was friendly and some were more rude. I felt that by him even responding to her, he was encouraging her.

It did not stop at his mobile phone.

I then went through his computer and even through his wallet and draws. He still kept pictures of her. I just deleted them without telling him.

I felt that suspicion drove me to look through his things in the first place. We never argued about me doing this, we came to the agreement that he would change his mobile number and that nothing is private from each other. We can look through each others mobiles at any time and we have each others password to email addresses.

I feel that if he has nothing to hide then he should have no problem with me looking through his phone at any time.

10-02-2007, 02:20 AM

#10

Music4All

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Join Date: Jul 2004

Posts: 900

Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

My position is, once one is caught doing a clearly inappropriate and borderline betrayal of trust act to their gf/bf, it's not called snooping anymore, it is self preservation. Most liars can be counted on to lie again. It would be nice if it were not so, but just going with the odds, being cautious with someone that behaves this way is more wise than not.

Last edited by Music4All; 10-02-2007 at 02:20 AM.

10-02-2007, 04:59 AM

#11

Kszan

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Join Date: Jun 2006

Posts: 5,245

Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

The bottom line is, if you're in a relationship with someone and they do something that is hurtful to you, you need to speak up and say something. You need to let them know that this particular behavior is not acceptable to you. If he is not willing to change it or if he blows you off, then it's not worth it for you to stay in this relationship. It's never easy to walk away from someone you love, but if he won't stop doing something that is hurting you, then there's no reason left to stay.

10-02-2007, 05:19 AM

#12

Sugafoot76

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Join Date: Oct 2007

Location: VA

Posts: 33

Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

Thank you all for your input...my b/f says he's willing to do anything it takes to appease me and he even deleted all his female friends out of his phone in front of me...however, I am wrestling with my own trust issues and tend to think he will still remember their numbers, or email them where I can't see it....I just don't know how to get ahold of myself and start trusting....wow, having trust issues just eats me up inside....I'd almost rather be alone, but I do love him.

10-02-2007, 06:45 AM

#13

happymom28

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Join Date: Oct 2006

Location: New Hampshire

Posts: 4,195

Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sugafoot76

Thank you all for your input...my b/f says he's willing to do anything it takes to appease me and he even deleted all his female friends out of his phone in front of me...however, I am wrestling with my own trust issues and tend to think he will still remember their numbers, or email them where I can't see it....I just don't know how to get ahold of myself and start trusting....wow, having trust issues just eats me up inside....I'd almost rather be alone, but I do love him.

So he is willing to do anything it takes, even deleting the female friends? I don't see how that is going to help a self proclaimed "lust and pornography" addict.

Yes, you have trust issues from previous relationships. Staying with him will only make these issues worse. HE has a problem that he has to deal with. Your self respect shouldn't have to be compromised while he deals with it.

Honestly, I think it would do you some good to be alone. Learn to love yourself and know exactly what you want from a boyfriend. You should never settle for less than the treatment you expect.

The situation you find youreself in now would be a dealbreaker for me. I too had huge trust issues due to my exhusband. He only found sneakier ways to lie and cheat. Finally I decided that was enough (and we had other issues too). Until you dictate how you want to be treated you will continue to find yourself in situations that make you unhappy. I'm not saying you are to blame for these guys actions because you are not. It becomes your problem when you stick around knowing that they are doing things that make you unhappy.

10-02-2007, 06:50 AM

#14

rosequartz

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Join Date: Jul 2005

Location: Chicago,IL

Posts: 11,254

Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

he WILL do it again, especially since he's told you he's "addicted" to lust and pornography......addicted implies that he has no control over it and when he's caught again that will be his excuse......
get out now, he's not going to change.

10-02-2007, 06:53 AM

#15

rosequartz

Senior Veteran

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Join Date: Jul 2005

Location: Chicago,IL

Posts: 11,254

Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sugafoot76

Thank you all for your input...my b/f says he's willing to do anything it takes to appease me and he even deleted all his female friends out of his phone in front of me...however, I am wrestling with my own trust issues and tend to think he will still remember their numbers, or email them where I can't see it....I just don't know how to get ahold of myself and start trusting....wow, having trust issues just eats me up inside....I'd almost rather be alone, but I do love him.

honey you don't have trust issues......you have a well functioning gut instinct......listen to it.