Jacob Rees-Mogg lambasts English clubs for failure to leave Europe on expected date

English clubs have created European football history by taking all four final spots in the continent’s two major competitions.

Jacob Rees-Mogg and the rest of the ERG have lambasted them for failing to leave Europe on the expected dates.

Arsenal won in Valencia and Chelsea beat Eintracht Frankfurt on Thursday to reach the Europa League final.

Winner of Pompous prig of the Year for the last seven consecutive years, Rees-Mogg said, “This is very disappointing. English clubs are usually very good at hitting their ‘out of Europe’ deadlines, especially Arsenal.

That followed dramatic wins earlier in the week for both Liverpool and Tottenham in the Champions League.

Mogg carried on. And on. And on, “This is completely unacceptable. When I asked the ERG what they actually wanted, I got 123 different points of view, many of which were contradictory and pretty much all totally unfeasible. Yet we could all agree that out means out, and the Premier League clubs are not paying heed to what we demand.

It is the first time all four finalists in Europe’s top two competitions have come from one nation.

The monumental bellend continued, “Obviously, this outcome is completely contrary to us going it alone.

“Responsibility for the failure is completely down to Theresa May. And we demand she steps down forthwith.”

There have only been two all-English finals before, with Tottenham beating Wolves in the Uefa Cup in 1972 and Man U beating Chelsea in the Champions League 2008.

Despite it being an exciting game of football in a city of unrivalled culture, the second was most remember for John Terry falling over as he prepared to miss a penalty.

Spain had three teams out of four in the finals 2016, with Real Madrid and Atletico Madrid contesting the Champions League and Sevilla winning the Europa League.

However, the football fan’s greatest dream was not realised. That of Barcelona being twatted by absolutely anyone, such as Liverpool did on Tuesday night.

Arsenal and Chelsea will meet in Baku, Azerbaijan – 2,468 miles away – on 29 May.

However, it will still be quicker to get there if you take into account either trying to find a parking space in London, or using Southern Trains.

Dan Sweryt is an award-winning script editor and comedy writer whose TV, radio, podcast and internet writing still doesn’t pay enough for him not to have a proper job too. But, you know, it does help him buy lottery tickets.