Beauty Industry Vs. Modesty

How the media is destroying our self image and what we can do about it.

Jennifer recently went to a "diva" birthday party. In addition to receiving gift bags containing fashionable hair bands, she and her friends all made their own lip gloss and sparkly body gel.

Jennifer is five years old.

Ever since Adam and Eve forfeited depth for superficiality, society has been obsessed with physicality. This obsession surrounds us – on billboards, in commercials, Internet ads, and popular magazines; and apparently even at kindergarten parties. It's the air we breathe. And we're suffering – especially females. Much more than males, females "self-objectify," evaluating themselves by outward attractiveness rather than inner qualities. And younger and younger girls are requesting not only cosmetics but cosmetic surgery.

Women are likewise displaying more and more to feel good about themselves. As the body dominates our self-image, perfecting it has mushroomed from feminine preoccupation to many young women's mission in life.

The religious Jewish world is not immune. Observant Jewish girls and women may show less skin than others, but bodies are occupying more and more of their consciousness – and tzniut (modesty) less and less. Many are caught in a tug-of-war between the Jewish value of downplaying the body and the secular ideal of flaunting it.

Media is one of the most pervasive influences in the world. In the U.S. alone, advertisers spend more than $250 billion annually. Advertising is our culture – and it's fueling our body obsession. One example is "the incredible shrinking woman."

The "perfect" female featured in ads today looks (and sometimes is) anorexic. Already in 2000, the typical fashion model was seven inches taller than the average woman but weighed 23% less. So much for an attainable ideal.

Yet this is the standard against which girls and women judge their bodies. In 1999, a study of fifth to twelfth grade girls discovered that while 29% were overweight, 66% wanted to lose weight. And body angst follows us into adulthood.

A Glamour survey found that while only one quarter of women ages 18 to 35 were overweight, three quarters believed they were. Even more shocking, nearly half of all underweight women thought they were fat. Losing 10 to 15 pounds was even more important to them than success in relationships or on the job.

Most females suffer from an extremely warped self-image, which leaves them criticizing their bodies for no reason. And the greater their exposure to the media, the worse they feel.

Perhaps the biggest distorters of our self-perceptions are women's magazines. Among the school students mentioned above, fashion magazine readers were far more influenced by the media's weight ideals and prone to diet. Likewise, college-age women exposed to ads featuring ultra-thin models experienced lower self-esteem, more negative moods, and greater depression than their peers – especially if the viewers were already unhappy with their bodies, as the overwhelming majority of women today are.

Television is no less insidious. The most dramatic example comes from the island of Fiji. Fijians long believed that big was beautiful. Large women were considered attractive, nobody dieted, and "You've gained weight" was a compliment. In 1995, however, television debuted in Fiji. After only three years of viewing American prime-time programs and commercials, 29% of adolescent girls were at high risk of developing an eating disorder, and 15% had made themselves vomit at least once. By 2007, 45% had thrown up in the last month. Today, eating disorders are rampant in Fiji.

MARKETING THE BODY OBSESSION

Advertising doesn't sell only products. It sells images and ideas, feelings and desires, dreams and values. It sells concepts of love, success, and normalcy. In short, it sells us an entire self that needs what it's advertising.

This self is externally defined. Superficial images of beautiful, thin women rewarded with fabulous lives become part of our psyches. We internalize the message that "I am my body, and perfecting and displaying it is the key to happiness." And since this self is empty, we're more likely to purchase products to fill ourselves up.

But this isn't all. Advertisers then "market inadequacy": We're not thin enough, our stomachs aren't flat enough, our figures aren't "sculpted" enough (as if women were sculptures!), our lips aren't full enough, our hair isn't lustrous enough, our lashes aren't long enough – in other words, we aren't enough. While males too are vulnerable to media mantras (their "abs" aren't tight enough, their biceps don't bulge enough, etc.), females are particularly susceptible. Puberty feeds a girl's brain with hormones programming her to obsess about her looks, and while this fixation will ebb, her appearance will remain a major concern. In addition, women are highly sensitive to social messages. Advertisers therefore consult psychologists, sociologists, anthropologists, behavioral scientists, etc., on how to encourage female anxiety. And they've been quite successful: Even more than two decades ago, most women were unhappy with their looks, and those deemed "pretty" were just as unhappy as those considered "plain." Female insecurity is alive and well.

Once we're dissatisfied with our all-important looks, advertisers sell us on "the core belief of American culture": Any and every physical part of us can and should be improved and upgraded, even re-created. (Indeed, the women advertising these products are themselves "re-created" to the point where their photos barely resemble their real selves.) And their products will do just that. "True beauty," the cosmetic industry tells us, "comes from within: from within bottles, jars, compacts, and tubes."

The beauty industry needs you always to be "not there yet." That's why fashions change so rapidly – just when you think you're "in," you discover you're "out" and have to go shopping again. The idea is simple: If you're still trying, you're still buying.

Men are equally inundated. Fewer messages tell them what they should be, but they're told in no uncertain terms what – in terms of women – they should want. Many males as well insist they can differentiate between media images and real women, but associations are inescapable. Once a man has been conditioned to view only flawless, fake females as attractive, he's less likely to be drawn to an actual, imperfect one.

Is hair on a woman's leg objectively unattractive? According to Gillette it is.

The beauty industry has honed "creating truths" to a fine art. Take this "fact," which virtually no one questions: Hair on a woman's legs is unattractive. An acquaintance enlightened me as to the origins of this notion. "Back in 1915, only men bought razors," she explained. "It occurred to Gillette [producer of razors] that if it could get the other half of the population to shave something, it could greatly boost their income. So it started marketing a new, feminine-styled razor called Milady Decollete to American women, featuring models showing off sleek, shaven legs - and the idea caught on." And Gillette doubled its sales. Today, or course, it's not only American women, and it's not only legs. Around the world, females shave, wax, and lase hair of more and more of their bodies. A growing number of men are doing the same. All this phobic hair removal is an expensive nuisance, and my skin-cancer-conscious dermatologist says it's unhealthy, but we can't imagine not doing it. We're sold – thanks to Gillette.

Living with all this pressure to have the perfect body, it's no wonder American girls' self-esteem plummets when they hit adolescence. To compensate them, we now have the concept of "girl power." However, as media critics have pointed out, "Almost as soon as the phrase was coined, girl power was snapped up by the media and just about everyone else was trying to sell [girls] something. What it sells is an image of being empowered. Once girls buy into that desire and go after that image, they're told that the way to get that power is through makeup, clothes and boyfriends."

The beauty industry urges you to show off your body so you'll obsess about it and spend money on it. Big business wants you to be a perpetual purchaser. So we have to ask ourselves: Who do I want to be? Who should I be?

Thankfully, there's an antidote to the media, and virtually everyone attempting to counter their influence is promoting it. Filmmakers documenting the objectification of females in ads, feminists demonstrating outside Miss America competitions, mothers telling their teenage daughters they look more beautiful without all that makeup, therapists helping lost girls find their authentic selves – all advocate a simple yet powerful concept: modesty, in Hebrew, tzniut.

Someone who knows and loves herself needn't go on display to feel valuable. Indeed, in empowering people to reclaim their self-worth, tzniut can spark nothing short of a personal revolution. As one teenager wisely observed, "I think the power of modesty might be stronger than most kids think – I think it can reconstruct someone's entire life."

True, lasting beauty combines outside and inside.

Judaism encourages women to be attractive. But true, lasting beauty combines outside and inside. For anyone capable of looking beneath the surface, tzniut reveals a beauty so compelling it can surprise us.

One summer here in Jerusalem, I spoke to a group of nonobservant, college-age women about tzniut. Afterward, one student raised her hand.

"The other night our whole program was taken to a religious wedding," she told me. "We were told to dress modestly, so we did. I took a picture of all of us there. And you know what? It's the strangest thing - we all looked so much more beautiful than usual."

Men appreciate a look that reflects what's within – at least when they're seeking a real relationship. After a young woman I know started dressing modestly, her ex-boyfriend told her she looked better than ever.

But real beauty comes from more than just covering up. In the words of two researchers, there's something genuinely attractive about "being real to yourself and others."

I know a young woman who laughingly describes herself as having the kind of figure popular a few hundred years ago. She'll never be a cover girl, but her self-confidence, sparkle, warmth, and deep sense of self make her extremely attractive. Conversely, many women could be beautiful, but that "inner something" seems buried under too much makeup, desperate dieting, or other fruitless attempts to meet an artificial standard - all stemming from essential insecurity. In pursuing shallow beauty, they forfeit the real thing.

Tzniut gives us our selves and the possibility of genuine happiness. It helps protect us from superficiality and misery. And once understood, it's very hard to knock down. But it also makes us far less profitable – so the media do their best to destroy it. Tzniut is the media's nemesis.

In April 2009, 47-year-old Susan Boyle appeared on the popular TV show Britain's Got Talent. Plump and unmade-up, unfashionably dressed and coifed, she didn't exactly look like star material. When she said her dream was to be a professional singer, the judges looked highly skeptical. The audience looked disbelieving.

Then she opened her mouth - and blew everyone away. This plain-looking, middle-aged woman had a magnificent voice.

Before she'd sung even four bars, everyone was cheering. And when she finished, she received a standing ovation. People couldn't stop applauding.

They'd all written her off. And then they'd been so thrilled to be proven wrong.

Deep down, we all want to get past superficiality. We want realness. "Knowing what is real," someone wrote, "requires that we remember that we are wearing glasses, and [that we] take them off. One of the great moments in life is the moment we recognize we have them on in the first place." Susan Boyle made us realize we were wearing glasses - and when we take them off, the world is so much more beautiful. For just as anyone can have a beautiful voice, everyone can have a beautiful soul.

Tzniut enables us to tune out media messages and tune into what's real.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 59

(50)
Anonymous,
March 10, 2015 4:01 AM

Take up Sewing Modest Clothing

I encourage Jewish girls and women to learn sewing so that they can dress themselves with beautiful modest clothing that meet all halachic requirements. KosherPatterns.com offers modest and kosher PDF sewing patterns and Pattern Making software. The art of sewing clothing has been lost in the younger generations. It's time to reclaim it.

(49)
S Cohen,
February 11, 2015 7:50 PM

Objection to disrespect to Adam and Eve

Of course Mrs. Manolson's points are cogent, well-thought-out, and beautifully expressed. My only objection is with the line "Ever since Adam and Eve forfeited depth for superficiality..." The greatness of people in Tanach is unfathomable to us. Roomsfull of commentary have been written on the holy and deep intentions of both of these titans. It does not serve her valid and crucial points well to write of them disrespectfully.

(48)
Felice,
February 9, 2015 5:45 AM

re Susan Boyle

Ironically,.Susan Boyle had a complete makeover and became more conventionally attractive.

(47)
Anonymous,
February 9, 2015 2:17 AM

Sellf-confidence

Children should be raised to think and decide for themselves as to how they should look and function. When people grow up wanting to be main-stream or to copy what everyone else is doing, wearing or thinking, they will have a problem becoming an individual in control of this/her own life and easily influenced by whatever is the latest, fad/ practice.

(46)
Jim Foxvog,
February 9, 2015 2:11 AM

Biblical modest is avoiding showing off.

True modesty may be achieved by long clothing, or in nudist gatherings. Nudism promotes body acceptance better though with the respect shown to everyone, no matter their age, sex, weight, or handicap even when nothing is hidden.

G. Sklarz,
February 10, 2015 8:36 AM

can you define "modesty"?

Anonymous,
February 12, 2015 1:56 AM

say WHAT??????

If you cannot understand the concept of "tznius",modesty, and have the courage (actually, GUTS) to mention nudity as an option, you should not be in this site.

(45)
Rhonda,
February 9, 2015 12:04 AM

What's modesty/beauty really about?

It's about self-love and dignity... It's about being true to yourself and at ease with others... It's about taking care of your health and exuding vitality and positive energy... It's about the gifts of "beauty" that God gave "YOU" and showing HIM "respectful" gratitude in modesty, beauty and attitude ... :)

(44)
Anonymous,
February 8, 2015 7:41 PM

Perspective

"Take this "\'fact,' which virtually no one questions: Hair on a woman's legs is unattractive."It's been a long time in engineering. Used to be, in Spanish-mode, that hairy legs were a sign of the Aristocrat. More recently, modern Western women have dumped that idea. It has, nevertheless, been a struggle. Gillette makes razors and has about 99% of the business. But some of the change has to do with males are hairy and females are less so -- American Natives aside.

(43)
Anonymous,
December 19, 2013 10:19 AM

The power of the individual

Ever noticed how one rock star can dress weird and lots of people (mainly the youth) want to dress the same way. Just think what type of people they attract (not the kind you would want to bring home to your parents). Dressing good has a lot to do with what you eat, getting enough rest, and how you carry your self among other things, not just clothes, makeup, etc. Your glow (countenance) from healthy living and healthy beliefs and a positive attitude will turn heads. The kind of heads you want turned, to ask you what is it about you that makes so many people attracted to you. Example: If someone calls you stupid: just say, "I'm not stupid. I'm very stupid and that's why you like me" and laugh. Yes laugh. Laugh at your self and them. People love people who laugh even when people are making fun of them or putting them down. Next thing you know is that more and more people will want to be your friend and actually think you are beautiful. They will start to realize the beauty from within. If people ask you how are you doing, say something like "Great". Even if you think you feel bad, you really have a lot to be great full for. So say great to help you remember all the great things in your life instead of the depressing ones. This baffles people to see you always positive and in turn helps them to be positive. Which in turn helps you to look attractive without worrying about fashion and what the world is doing. Chin up and have a great day.

(42)
Susanna,
August 20, 2012 1:34 AM

I am trying to dress modestly and not pay too much attention to the way I look. But when I have a hard day, and people at work treat me like I am stupid after I make a mistake, then It's hard to believe that there is anything valuable inside me. I wish I could live my life without stress of proving myself to everyone. I wish I could live a peaceful life, being beautiful inside and out, smart and wise and never be afraid of making mistakes and being treated like a stupid person. When I learn how not to be disappointed with myself, but like myself, I will not care what people think about me or the way I look.

(41)
Sharon Langert/Fashion-isha,
February 22, 2012 3:51 AM

Great post...I emphasize same concept in my modest fashion and lifestyle blog!

I love this article. It was written really well and is much needed. I am a frum woman who has struggled with the balance of looking good, loving fashion and being frum and very spiritual. I agree with everything Gila writes and that's exactly why I started my blog. I go out of my to find the balance between beauty and spirituality, and there is no beauty greater than inner beauty. When you seek to find the goodness in this world and filter out the bad you will live your happiest life and be grateful for your body, your family and everything else you have. Women will always love fashion and beauty and that is why on my blog I show all the modest looks and positive inspirations so women can learn that they can remain frum and tznius and beautiful all at once. It is possible to love and accept yourself and we need to keep inspiring each other. If you struggle with this balance please come stop by my blog. I'd love to hear from you!! http://www.fashion-isha.com/

(40)
Malka,
February 21, 2012 1:16 AM

I wish people would be working and obsessing about improving their midot instead of their looks.

Leah,
May 4, 2014 1:43 AM

Malka is right

Worry about how you treat people. Worry about how you treat your parents. worry about how you treat strangers.You will surely be noticed by the best ppl with great midos.The feeling of respect from caring people who exemplify the best midos is really very important to living in any kind of community. If you work on your looks only and are not nice you risk being seen as very shallow and narcissistic.

Melissa,
February 8, 2015 5:01 PM

Bravo, Amen, Malka

this is very true.

as long as obsessing about improving one's midot doesn't led to a 'walk of shame' ... low self esteem is not attractive.

Modest dressing is extremely important; within those parameters, you can be 'strategic'.

(39)
Em,
November 19, 2011 3:03 AM

Fiji TV Study

Some of you may be aware of a study done in the 90s. It was around this time that TV first came to the Fiji islands. This is a culture that defines bigger women as beautiful--dieting and eating disorders were unknown. Then when TV was introduced to the islands, girls began to see themselves as overweight and some actually became bulemic--this in a culture that valued bigger women!
The media is slowly killing us.

(38)
Anonymous,
April 6, 2011 5:13 PM

This is amazing!!!

This article is SOOO true and AMAZING!!! thank you!!!

(37)
Deborah Schneierson,
February 21, 2011 3:48 AM

Emphasis on Size and Weight in Frum Community

Are you prepared to take action within the FRUM community itself ? It is so easy to blame the media and the secular world.
what about the "Shiddach Resume ?" and the emphasis on the requiremenent that a marriageable girl be a size 2???
This is happening in the FRUM community ,not in the secular world. Whatever the origin- who will be brave enough to state that girls' clothing sizes will not be made available to Shadchanim, mothers of eligible Shidduchim , or the boys themselves? Any takers? Because this is what is feeding the rise of eating disorders in the frum world.

(36)
marci rapp, marsea modest swimwear,
November 3, 2010 2:31 PM

What is modest swimwear?

Because we have 9 months of beautiful weather and beaches/pools here in Israel, we began manufacturing modest swimwear in Israel. I also wanted my teenaged daughter to have something to wear that was not heavy when wet and not see-thru. MarSea Modest Swimwear www.marseamodest.com has styles to suit every religious level and every body type. Our fabrics are colourful, lightweight, non-transparent, UV protective and dry quickly.
We solved the "immodesty" problem with swimming, and women are free-er to go from their home to the beach/pool without the need to change without fear of exposure. Our moto is "Cover what you want....in style!".

(35)
TMay,
November 1, 2010 8:09 AM

a little off topic

What are dress designers doing? Usually skirts are short when the economy is doing well. Here we have a bad economy and the fashion industry is still selling short dresses. Most women I know regardless of income are shopping at Goodwill because they want the longer lengths and styles of years ago. They spend way less money and get what they want instead of the reverse. Depart. stores are graded and I've heard only the grade A ones get to choose what they get and the rest have to take what they get. It means they can't satisfy what the customers want. It means they have to offer small sizes when there is a good chance that their clientele is larger. Other stores get the larger sizes and make a killing. Part of the economy of scale of having nat l stores with one buyer who buys for the whole nation is that the stores don't serve the local customers. In Nor California we have cooler summers but the stores carry sleeveless neckless tops and in the winter we have warmer winters than other places and the winter stuff they sell is often too warm for our climate. We could almost wear the same things year round like 3/4 length sleeved mock turtle necks but the stores simply do not have them, and if they do, they have green holly and red berries on them or snowflakes which makes them unacceptable for 3 other seasons. When stores were independent, each store had its own buyer who knew its customers and could buy to make them and the store happy.
I know a woman who likes to wear a man's PJ top to bed.
No store carries it unless it is Xmas season. She was willing to buy a set to get the top, but it was not available.
The stores know what they are doing, and so do the customers. The stores sell merchandise that does not cover the body so that you would have to buy "layers" which means more $ to cover the body if you play their game. Women I know are saying no.
Growing up in Quebec they were selling short skirts in winter!
Men choose the ads plus. They choose wrong a lot.

Anonymous,
May 4, 2014 1:46 AM

The goodwill can be so great to shop in. It is a great treasure hunt along with many other thrift stores. To ignore them for the mall is both financially silly and very boring. Even when I didn't find much at a thrift, I still enjoyed the thrill of the hunt.

(34)
Anonymous,
October 31, 2010 7:41 AM

No TV no secular magazines in frum homes

It's best for frum families to not have a TV at home as well as not go watch movies. Secular magazines have no place in a Jewish home.
While many Charedi women do take care of themselves and try to look good, most are not obsessing about it. They are not exposed so much to the secular world.
If you think of ALL the damage caused by secular media - in addition to the topic in this article- you should be very ready to take steps to prevent - as much as possible - secular media getting to your home and family.

(33)
Judith,
October 30, 2010 7:44 PM

Now that the civilized world has experienced the destructive path of narcissism perhaps this is what we needed to realize that body worship is just another form of idolatry. Yes, I'm among the overweight in the world, but remedying that situation is a health issue, not one for beauty. When a husband can look at his 58 year old wife and tell her that she has no wrinkles I guess I'm OK in the beauty department. If women could realize that their bodies had to be kept healthy because this is what Hakodesh Borachu wants us to do without all the fads and dictates from the beauty industry we would be better off. Perhaps a magazine such as Aishe could have a beauty supplement that encourages women to be the best they can be rather than bowing to whatever the beauty dictate of the moment is we would all be better off as Torah true women.

(32)
es58,
October 29, 2010 5:33 PM

You're books are terrific!

You're books are terrific!
just wanted the opportunity to say so
thank you!

(31)
lisa,
October 28, 2010 12:28 PM

Just a shmear......

As long as we live in the American way of life...this won't change.....we all want to look good & if a shmear of lipstick will do the job...then so be it!! Didn't the woman make themselves look good for their hubands when we were in Egypt?? Let's just use makeup (and food & money & other luxeries) in moderation!!!!

(30)
Anonymous,
October 28, 2010 2:39 AM

everything is good in moderation

it is a hard topic. Unfortunately, people tend to go to the extremes. Sorry to mention it but when a woman wants to find a mate, she has better chances when she looks good to men. This usually involves having a waist (no matter what size you are), youthful look, and clear skin. These features are considered attractive by men across the cultures. Masculine's sexuality is driven by visual stimuli. Feminine sexuality is more diverse but often includes height and ability to make money (provide for the offspring). These are somewhat superficial qualities. But let's be real: we, women are not judged by men how selfless and giving we are. The first impression matters. Of course, it is not the most important one. But women who take care of their looks usually have a wider range of choices among potential suitors.

(29)
Naomi,
October 28, 2010 2:20 AM

For the Marrieds

How about the struggles of married women? Those whose husbands are in the workforce, yes even (and even more so) in Jewishly populated offices, have real and true competition.

(28)
Florence,
October 28, 2010 12:07 AM

I think it is worth mentioning that, not only are these 'beauty' ideals toxic to the soul, they are toxic to the body as well. Conventional shampoos, make ups, perfumes, shaving creams, even some toothpastes are filled with highly toxic compounds. I'm not saying that one shouldn't engage in reasonable hygiene, but where does your lipstick wear off? We are eating poison to look nice? Cancer doesn't look well on anyone.

(27)
Cathryn,
October 27, 2010 6:45 AM

So true

I used to wear make-up to work, but I stopped when I met my fiance because he said I didn't need to wear make-up (and I agreed). We are getting married next year, and although I will be wearing make-up, I am going to wear mineral make-up in as natural a style as I possibly can! My fiance would probably prefer that I not wear any make-up :P

(26)
Pearl,
October 26, 2010 2:43 PM

I could be the girl you're writing about

I'm 32 years old and for as long as I can remember, I've been almost obsessed with how I look. It's a combination of things - positive reinforcement when I looked good growing up - sometimes to the exclusion of other things, the trauma of acne and the worry of it reappearing, still being single...I'm only starting to realize how deep it goes. The author is right that those close to the women in their life need to do everything they can to combat the influence of the media and and provide positive reinforcement for intelligence and good middot. I'm finally starting to look inward and realize that I don't care as much as I think....but I still have alot of work to do.

(25)
,
October 26, 2010 8:56 AM

why do people always take it so extremist. I myself love make up, and not because i wanna fill in an ideal of beauty shown on tv, or because i am obssessed with my bodey ( it takes 10 minutes in the morning and during the day i even forgot i have it), it is just PLEASENTRIES of life. Belonging to the feminine. It is not just the skirt that separates us from our male "corresponants", but a love for color, beauty, etc. As much as it sounds as a clichee, women can do it for themselves. Why shave ur legs for someone? it is like saying, i can wear dirty clothes underneath, people wont notice anyways.
Furthermore, it is aJewish concept to look good (the Talmud states that one should take care of having a pleasent aspect as a form of respcet for others) and Bat Ha melech which is the jewish woman should always search for a balance between inner and outter beauty.

Anonymous,
February 9, 2015 8:30 AM

The article is not opposed to your perspective...

I read this article and got no impression that it was telling women not to use makeup or to try to look good. I think it wasn't addressing you but rather the others who don't have your wisdom and balanced outlook. And unfortunately so many girls and women don't :<

(24)
lisa,
October 26, 2010 12:13 AM

its not just the lipstick.....

Frum or not we all have to realize showing skin & globbing on the mascara is not the answer. We must learn moderation ( a balance) in everything we do!!! We tell our girls to dress tzniut......but do we live in a tzniut house....do we drive a tzniut car....is our jewelry tzniut. Its not all about our outer appearences.

(23)
Karen,
October 25, 2010 11:54 PM

discuss with your daughters

Dove.com has an interesting short film in their girl talk section of a model who starts out 'plain' and it shows all the steps and time necessary to make her 'beautiful'. It is a good discussion point to make with your daughter just how much work goes into making a model beautiful and that normal women can't possibly take that kind of time. Watch it together!

Anonymous,
February 9, 2015 8:26 AM

Dove.com

the video not only shows how much time it takes, but also that they still have to photoshop the images considerably to get her to look the way she does in the advertisement. So in short, it's not only time-consuming, it's actually impossible to make HER look that way - even they can only make her PICTURE look that way. So they're not selling difficult to obtain beauty, but rather totally unattainable 'beauty'.

(22)
Sharon,
October 25, 2010 2:56 PM

typo

An excellent article, now we need to get the girls to read and understand this.

(21)
Brenda Cohen,
October 25, 2010 6:43 AM

.

You can still look good and be frum - a little makeup is not serious and makes you feel and look good. Being frum doesnt mean you have to be frumpy. One needs to look after one self as best as one can. A bit of lipstick and mascara also makes one feel good about themselves. I am frum and yes, with a bit of makeup I feel good.

(20)
Bob Rabinoff,
October 25, 2010 5:48 AM

Na'eh vachasidah

Some years ago a group of us were studying the passage in Talmud "what do we say to the Kallah"? Bet Hillel says "the kallah is beautiful and gracious." Bet Shammai said "What if she's crippled"? Bet Hillel responds "Every bride is beautiful and gracious!" I commented that my lady is bedridden with MS, yet she's quite beautiful and extremely gracious, and everyone who has any interaction with her agrees. It all comes from within.
We got rid of our cable subscription 10 years ago and have never missed it a bit. I don't even check the news on the internet any more. One always has to strike a balance between engaging society so one can raise it up, as Avraham Avinu did, and insulating oneself from that same society so it doesn't drag us down. That balance is different for everyone, but certainly we have a responsibility to shield our kids as much as possible from negative influences.

(19)
Rivka C.,
October 25, 2010 12:01 AM

I wish every mom read this article

If they did, maybe every mom would dress in a way that was dignified, engage their daughters in fun and educational activities instead of plopping them in front of a t.v., and refuse to buy fashion dolls for their daughters. Boy, that would shake things up!

(18)
Caryl McAdoo,
October 24, 2010 8:52 PM

MODESTY is written on my SOAPBOX

Thank you for this article where you've hit so many points dear to my heart. My heart is sick for the young beautiful women (and old ones, too) who insult G*d every day with their notion that they were are created inferior, not good enough. Whatever it is - straight haired daughters desire curls and vice-versa. A clean face isn't pretty unless 'enhanced' with color on the eyes, cheeks and lips. You may have said it in a different way, but this follower of Yeshua is in full agreement! Whether Jewish or Christian, women need to know they are beautiful as created and practice more modesty! Shalom : )

(17)
Karen V,
October 24, 2010 8:51 PM

The Body Shop said it best.

There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels and only 8 who do." We need our girls- and ourselves- to stop looking at what media tells us to be. The truth is that even supermodels don't look like their Photoshopped and airbrushed images.

(16)
Frank Adam,
October 24, 2010 8:30 PM

Old story

The British Museum, the Louvre and no doubt the other great museums of the World all have cases of cosmetic archaeology from the ancients and all ages since and the major art galleries are full of protraits that are evidence for fancy shifting fashions in dress and cosmetic - and for that matter hairstyles and the idea of a model face shifts too.
If you want to give girls and young women the confidence to treat the beauty and fashion industries as incidentals only deserving of a modest attention then you have to give a broad education with openings for something creative and professional besides, "kids kirk and cooking of housekeeping". When a woman can be more tha just a gift in marriage she does not have to see herself solely in terms of what catches a man's eye. From the other end of the telescope it would also help to educate boys and men to look at women as people and more than just a pretty face.

(15)
Anna Lee,
October 24, 2010 7:55 PM

Where The Frum World is Missing the Mark

I was amused to see this article today as I was JUST discussing this exact prat in tznius with a friend yesterday. The particular Yeshivish community of which I am a part misses the mark completely on this. While there is a big push for bettter "tznius," and most every woman covers her knees and elbows and hair, there is still a major emphasis on looks. Outfits, Shaitels, accessories, make-up are all way over the top. This extends to focusing on appearances in other areas, too! houses, cars, food, table settings. The emphasis on appearance has become unbelievable. And what is a nice innovation one year is the next year's standard. Even "yeshivish" girls who toe the tznius line are desperate to be thinner, prettier, etc. It's a real problem

(14)
SusanE,
October 24, 2010 7:32 PM

Oh to be Beautiful.........

First, shame on Jennifers mother for allowing her little girl to attend a diva party if she thinks it is a bad association. She is 5. Mothers first step in Jennifers self worth is a mis-step. And if she tells Jennifer that she is beautiful 'just as she is', that is sealing her fate. Not a good choice of words.
Societies have ever changing views of what is beautiful in a woman. 35 years ago it was the Barbie look. Every little girls mother bought her several of the dolls and the 'fashion' clothing. Then several years ago, before prison, Martha Stewart even had us looking like Eastern Bloc countries wearing unisex clothes in drab browns and greens. Ten years ago it was the heroin look with smokey eyes and emaciated bodies walking down the runway. Heroin makes you thin. They were setting the 8 year old girls up to become users. (it worked) Goth was an easy lead into body art and piercings. At present it is thick long hair, surgically enhanced bodies and white white teeth on 60 year olds. WE are the ones that set the agenda. WE can't let any new thing pass us by so we won't look 'dated' and old. Silly, vain, 'high maintanence' women, raising self-injuring unhappy little girls and young women..
Can't blame the media 100%. Is it our fault that so many girls are unhappy with themselves.

(13)
Chava,
October 24, 2010 6:19 PM

Batsheva is right

Too many frum women are into believing that trying to look more beautiful is sinful. There is not one woman who couldn't look better with a little make-up, lose weight or dress more stylish and less frumpy. Modestly beautiful, as much as possible, that's my goal.

(12)
worried mom,
October 24, 2010 5:55 PM

worried about getting fat when already thin

This article is beautifully written - I love you works!
I have a daughter who is only 10, yet her class unfortunately rates friends by clothing size.
My daughter is thin, but she has become a bit too focused on staying skinny 1
what can I do/ say to her, before this blows out of hand?!

(11)
Baruch BenYosef,
October 24, 2010 4:41 PM

Parents: Do Your Job!

At the risk of sounding like a "charaydi" - which I'm not: Parents should minimize the time that their children watch TV. (Zero minutes per week would be ideal!) Fashion magazines should not be allowed in the home. And parents must tell their children, repeatedly and ad nauseam, that a person's "inside"
("soul" if you want to call it that) is much more important than his/her "outside". Keep telling them that, but remember that your actions must match your words, because children have a very sensitive"nose" for hypocrisy.

(10)
rhona corinne friedland,
October 24, 2010 4:30 PM

not happy being larger ...

in a lot of ways, you can't separate this culture's standards for thin from a women's self esteem ... i have tried many times to feel good when i was in my higher weight .. and it never worked ... this society's conditioning was a done deal from my youth ... i was raised this way ... it has been virtually impossible for me (even over 4 decades) to feel good and productive as a 'larger' version of myself ... the only times i have felt good and even have done good things was when i was a 'smaller' me ....

(9)
Tone Lechtzier,
October 24, 2010 4:22 PM

Golda Meir

Shalom,
Golda Meir put it well, "Realizing I'm not beautiful, I worked hard to develop my inner self."
And her inner beauty shone through. Superficial painted women attract the same in men. In a relationship, what really counts in the long run, is
what's inside. Painted women resemble clowns to
me. Everyone has their own natural beauty. Where
I live almost no women wear makeup! In a year I
have seen only one pair of high heels and a short
skirt, worn by a woman passing through. [Brothers
Oregon] I love the natural beauty of the women of
this small community. Great article. B"E

(8)
Anonymous,
October 24, 2010 4:11 PM

Unfortunately Sex Sells , Not Beauty From Within

I apologize for my crude title but I couldn't think of a better way to phrase it.Advertisers will do anything for the buck. If this is what the public demands, marketers will have to live up to it. Even if it means using half naked voluptuous girls to sell a product, that's what people will do. I find it offensive and insulting to feminism that women are being objectified in such a obscene matter.They are no longer seen as human beings or worthy of any respect. I'm even more repulsed by peoples vulgar judgement of girls. Violence against women is also attributed to the beauty industry. Its also who they are holding up as role models for pubescent girls. Would you want your daughter idolizing Paris Hilton instead of a respectable woman who actually made a difference to society with her achievements? People seem to be more interested in Kim Kardashian than Marie Curie.I'm sure the feminists of yesteryear would be appalled of what the woman has descended to. And that is the ugly truth.

(7)
Gila Manolson,
October 24, 2010 3:37 PM

Thank you, Batsheva!

Batsheva, your point was well taken. And I do say it elsewhere in my book--that tzniut doesn't mean being frumpy or nerdy (or not taking care of yourself, etc.) but rather creating a powerful beauty that combines outside and inside. Beauty is a gift from G-d and should be used--but it should reflect, rather than replace, inner beauty. I can honestly say I have never seen more truly beautiful women than the ones who succeed in pulling this off!

(6)
Anonymous,
October 24, 2010 2:55 PM

I believe the point is to just be yourself. Find the "feel good" in your particular body type, hair color, shape of lips, height, etc. G-d gave each of us a unique look, shape and size. I am 62, wish my hair was white instead of strawberry blond, I have wrinkles, (smile and laugh lines, I say). If anyone says to me anything about "me" I don't have the time to listen to that personalized loshon hora. The advertisments are faked with air brushing, photo shop and some of the most "beautiful" on screen look average without makeup artists, hair stylists and some go so far as to have "contouring" with color so that at every angle they look "perfect" and perfect is unatainable. Be you, that is gift enough.

Anonymous,
May 4, 2014 1:55 AM

I don't get it. "Wish my hair was white?" Don't dye it! When I'm 62 I surely don't plan to dye it. Just wondering how much longer I can put up with those hair dye chemicles knowing that there is a possibility of cancer. I don't dye it often and find the grey hair makes you look older thing to be repulsive some days when ppl take me for older bc of my hair.. I'm 50 yrs old and have no wrinkles. Why just notice hair and not the total picture.

(5)
Batsheva,
October 24, 2010 2:18 PM

The golden mean applies as always.

The point of this article is valid, even essential, but it also leads to unnecessary beauty-bashing. Suddenly, any girl who is pretty or cares about her looks becomes shallow and disdained. Tznius becomes a kosher excuse to be lazy! An eye for detail, self-discipline, striving to be one's best are all good middot, which can be applied to personal appearance as well; the key is balance, putting everything in its proper perspective. If a gal takes on a proper diet and exercise program to improve her looks and ends up healthier for it (obesity and poor fitness IS a true issue nowdays) she has cleverly harnassed her yatzer hara for good! I think it's a mistake to make it an either/or issue. Women can be real, have depth, espouse all that is worthy, and still be pretty! An article of this nature is certainly necessary to counter the media push for the opposite, but let's remember that we must actually fall somewhere in the middle.

(4)
Jeanne,
October 24, 2010 12:45 PM

Much bigger problem

I loved the article,but a huge piece of the problem was not addressed.The Shidduch "Resumes"(with pictures)seem to be required of all girls who are dating.I have never seen one "Resume"for a boy looking to date.How did this start??How demeaning to all these young women to have their bios handed out as if they are for sale.!

(3)
chava,
October 24, 2010 12:29 PM

waiting to get thin before doing anything just wastes a lot of time

Peter Potts (I think that's his name) did the same thing for men that Susan Boyle did for women. Both of them had a very strong, recognizable talent. Those of us without fantastic looks or an obvious talent have to learn to know that HaShem made us and He doesn't make junk or rejects. If only I hadn't spent 55 years thinking I'd start doing something or being something as soon as I "got thin", I would have felt a lot better about myself along the way and probably would have done some good things. As it is, I'm 67, still fat, and lacking any feelings of having done anything worthwhile with the life HaShem gave me.

Rebecca,
February 9, 2015 8:11 AM

Dear Chava

Remember that Hashem loves you more than all the mothers in the world love their children, and He is not limited by time. So do what you can with the rest of your life to serve Him and others, and He will do great things with your efforts and make them worthwhile enough for a lifetime.

(2)
Shloime Ehrlich,
October 24, 2010 12:01 PM

Thanks again

It's just another beautiful article by Gila Manolson. I also loved her book titled "The Magic Touch". I gave it to many teens. Keep up your great work. Thanks

(1)
Esther,
October 24, 2010 10:36 AM

Beauty From Within

The pressure is great but if we as women don't start looking within to be happy and satisfied with our life situation, our looks, and lives at present will be dramatically diminish our potential and future. We all have many gifts, it's just a question of appreciating them.

Since honey is produced by bees, and bees are not a kosher species, how can honey be kosher?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Talmud (Bechoros 7b) asks your very question! The Talmud bases this question on the principle that “whatever comes from a non-kosher species is non-kosher, and that which comes from something kosher is kosher.”

So why is bee-honey kosher? Because even though bees bring the nectar into their bodies, the resultant honey is not a 'product' of their bodies. It is stored and broken down in their bodies, but not produced there. (see Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 81:8)

By the way, the Torah (in several places such as Exodus 13:5) praises the Land of Israel as "flowing with milk and honey." But it may surprise you to know that the honey mentioned in the verse is actually referring to date and fig honey (see Rashi there)!

In 1809, a group of 70 disciples of the great Lithuanian sage the Vilna Gaon, arrived in Israel, after traveling via Turkey by horse and wagon. The Vilna Gaon set out for the Holy Land in 1783, but for unknown reasons did not attain his goal. However he inspired his disciples to make the move, and they became pioneers of modern settlement in Israel. (A large contingent of chassidic Jews arrived in Tzfat around the same time.) The leader of the 1809 group, Rabbi Israel of Shklov, settled in Tzfat, and six years later moved to Jerusalem where he founded the modern Ashkenazic community. The early years were fraught with Arab attacks, earthquakes, and a cholera epidemic. Rabbi Israel authored, Pe'at Hashulchan, a digest of the Jewish agricultural laws relating to the Land of Israel. (He had to rewrite the book after the first manuscript was destroyed in a fire.) The location of his grave remained unknown until it was discovered in Tiberias, 125 years after his death. Today, the descendants of that original group are amongst the most prominent families in Jerusalem.

When you experience joy, you feel good because your magnificent brain produces hormones called endorphins. These self-produced chemicals give you happy and joyful feelings.

Research on these biochemicals has proven that the brain-produced hormones enter your blood stream even if you just act joyful, not only when you really are happy. Although the joyful experience is totally imaginary and you know that it didn’t actually happen, when you speak and act as if that imaginary experience did happen, you get a dose of endorphins.

These chemicals are naturally produced by your brain. They are totally free and entirely healthy.

Many people find that this knowledge inspires them to create more joyful moments. It’s not just an abstract idea, but a physical reality.

Occasionally, when I walk into an office, the receptionist greets me rudely. Granted, I came to see someone else, and a receptionist's disposition is immaterial to me. Yet, an unpleasant reception may cast a pall.

A smile costs nothing. Greeting someone with a smile even when one does not feel like smiling is not duplicity. It is simply providing a pleasant atmosphere, such as we might do with flowers or attractive pictures.

As a rule, "How are you?" is not a question to which we expect an answer. However, when someone with whom I have some kind of relationship poses this question, I may respond, "Not all that great. Would you like to listen?" We may then spend a few minutes, in which I unburden myself and invariably begin to feel better. This favor is usually reciprocated, and we are both thus beneficiaries of free psychotherapy.

This, too, complies with the Talmudic requirement to greet a person in a pleasant manner. An exchange of feelings that can alleviate someone's emotional stress is even more pleasant than an exchange of smiles.

It takes so little effort to be a real mentsch.

Today I shall...

try to greet everyone in a pleasant manner, and where appropriate offer a listening ear.

With stories and insights,
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