I often wonder about the grand scheme of things... where do I fit in? Am I headed in the right direction? Why am I so unlucky in love? Why do I have to work so hard to get things that others get easily? What is the purpose of me being here?......you now get a peek into the life of a fellow who feels held back by invisible chains....curious?

Saturday, May 27, 2006

A walk down memory lane (crushes, infatuations and other silly things)

As most of you know, I no longer have a muse :( and so I'm a bit stifled creatively ... so I thought I'd use this chance to list the gals I've fallen for over the past 25 years ...

The funny thing is that I realize now that I've never really loved any of them ... I know that I liked them a lot then (perhaps I still do!) ... but they are just major-league crushes/infatuations ... anyways, here it goes ... my past ... (guess I can also show this entry to the one who'll come into my life next ... so she knows what she's getting into ... ) :)

The first time I thought I was in love was when I was 14. She was one of the prettiest girls in class. I remember how I used to gaze at her adoringly in school ... and at home, I would go often up to the terrace instead of joining my friends for a round of cricket and I would just walk around thinking of her ... humming ye old love songs. I tell you honestly ... I used to feel that I was walking on air those days ... everything was pleasant ... everything was so beautiful! Those who do drugs to get high are crazy! ... I'm sure no drugs could ever give a high like 'being in love' (or even believing that u r in love).

What happened? ... nothing ... she was already involved with someone ... and I never ever would approach someone who was involved ... don't want to rock the boat ... don't want to cause trouble ... so I had a soft spot for her for the two-odd years of schooling left ... and then went off to college where I (thought I) fell in love again ...

I was almost 18, and I'm guessing its partly the raging hormones that made me think I was in love ... and this time for real ... even though I'd known her for less than a year.

My friends told me that I was crazy ... for she wasn't all that beautiful. But they just didn't get it ... I was attracted to 'her' ... that's the thing ... it isn't just about physical attributes that attracts ... so many other factors come into play ... the way you just hit it off with a few so very easily, but struggle to have a decent conversation with others ... the attitude ... the sense of humour ...

Anyways, although we were good friends, I didn't know if she was seeing someone. So I asked a mutual friend ... she wasn't involved! But the very next day I observed a change in the way she spoke to me ... it was obvious that the mutual friend had blurted out that I was making enquiries. So, we met after classes and while I told her that I liked her very much, she repeated the classic line that girls use so very often ... "I've never seen you as more than a friend ... when did this happen? " ... anyways, she wanted us to remain friends and put the whole issue behind us ... turns out she wanted to focus on studies ... Yes, she was a real brainy gal ... and on hindsight, it was absolutely right of her ... she had her priorities in order and stuck to them! ... I really admire her for that ... I wish I was focussed like she was ...

What happened? ... we did remain friends for a few more months ... but as I was having a real hard time maintaining an emotional distance, the friendship had to end ... and it ended real bad for me as I had thought that she was the one destined for me and all that ... which on hindsight is so silly! ... but for a teen, it was all damn important! ... back then, I actaully cried in the rain over her ... damn it! ... I could've avoided so many colds/coughs if only I were smarter :)

Guess one good thing did come out of it though ... when I thought I was in love with her, I discovered that I had a knack for writing poems ... so I wrote describing the feeling of being in love and all that .... and after it all got messed up, I continued writing poems to vent my frustration ... and I've kept writing since ... :)

Anyways, in Senior college, when I was 20, I had my next major crush ... she was also a dear friend ... but as she was already involved with someone, I never confessed ... and we're still good friends ... of course I got over her completely ... guess it was just a passing phase, when one gets too emotionally involved/ too affectionate with friends and misinterprets it as love ... and that's exactly what happened recently too ... with my muse ... the one to whom this blog is dedicated ...

25 yrs young, I become friends with a real gem of a person ... then it happens again ... I misinterpret my feelings for her as love ... it was probably just a phase when I got too attached to her and developed a sense of deep caring and affection for her ... perhaps overstepping the boundaries as a friend? ... but now I look back at all that and am sure that it wasn't love ... I still like her a lot ... but nothing more ... I'm no longer in love ... probably never was ... I probably don't even know what love is ... :)

Anyways, I really suggest you read some of these posts which will give ya an idea of what transpired between me and my ex-muse ...

15 Comments:

Just 4....Man, you r way too low n i cant see ya from my number though am not disclosing the same...But ofcourse I realised in time they were all nothing but my mind being fanciful n reality is a different ball game....How we think we r in love..Wht ullos we make of ourselfs...Nice post

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. ... (1 Corinthians 13) The Holy Bible