Fragments of a fading memory

Journal entry 22/12/2017

[10:20]

Spent most of the morning lying in bed and looking at my phone. Didn’t get up till around 9:30 am to brush my teeth and eat breakfast. Had the same wheat biscuits with milk again. Step father is home too, so that means it won’t be a happy day. He’s always frowning and finds something to complain about, but enough about him.

Have to cut my nails because it feels weird typing with them. I plan on having Shin Ramen for lunch today with an egg and a slice of cheese to mellow the spice, then add some left over rice to the soup after I’m done with the noodles to finish it up. Yes, I’m looking forward to it haha.

As for the rest of the day, gonna watch YouTube videos again. I know, I’m doing the same thing again, but honestly, there’s nothing to do other than surf the net. Everyone is busy this time of the year with the holiday celebrations, so there’s little space to meet up and hang out.

Comic updates for today: Wortenia Senki, Shikkaku Mon no Saikyou Kenja, Murabito desu ga Nani ka?, and Only Sense Online. My computer just restarted without a notification and there were no updates either. This has been happening for awhile now and it’s so infuriating having to get everything back up and running to where I’ve left off. I swear technology hates me or something. It never fails to malfunction or have some sort of bug.

[20:04]

Spent most of the day reading those comics and watching videos on YouTube again. Nothing much happened, just another boring day. Did chat with a few people this morning, but that’s about it.

Haven’t really been talking to anyone this year and spent most of my time alone. I don’t know, just don’t feel like being part of a group or something like that. I find it better being alone most of the time, probably because I’ve spent most of my life alone and I’m just used to it. Even when I do happen to go out with friends, I go out of my way to be alone sometimes. I think people exhaust me. I would walk into a room and feel all this energy and it’s overwhelming. Noise also play a big factor too and I just want to walk away from all that. I don’t have a problem with listening to music, but most of the time it’s not music that I enjoy listening to. I like being outside, under the shade and sitting in the breeze while reading a book or something. I really could sit at a park almost the entire day watching the day go by.

It’s the same when I’m at school. I find it peaceful being alone and away from everyone. Maybe some people like me are just meant to live their life on their own, away from the rest of the world. I don’t see how that could be a bad thing.

I think it’s even more so for me since family, friendships and relationships don’t really work out for me. September of 2013, 2 months before my exams, my mom told me that my biological father passed away when I was around the age of 1. Of course that heavily affected my well being because I’m the only one out of my siblings to not have a father and I’ve lived pretty much my entire life as though I was walking through a cloud. I felt so betrayed by the one person I thought I could trust the most. It was also my final year of high school that year, and I ended up failing my exams for 3 subjects. I’m really lucky to accepted into university.

Looking back, I could see how neglected I was and how I keep missing out on things that most kids with both parents in their life would experience. Things like lessons that only a father could teach by sharing his life experience or being taught how to ride a bike or sharing a drink with him once I’m of age. I even missed out on that awkward talk about puberty and the “birds and the bees”. It’s so unfair that I have to be one of those kids that didn’t grow up with a father that loved me. It doesn’t get any better because since my mom was pregnant with my half brother, all the attention was shift over to him and everything bad that ever happens was my fault. Even to this day, when something breaks or whatever, the first person that everyone points to is me. So at a very small age, I learnt to take care of myself, and by doing that, I’ve lost so much of my childhood because I was trying no to be a burden to anyone. Now, I can’t relate to anyone in my family because of all the horrible things I had to go through. As if I don’t get enough stress from my studies, I have go through all the necessary at home.

For friendships, I’ve lost contact to most of them since graduating high school. Since as early as I can remember, when I get close to someone and we click really well, or to some extent, suddenly they end up having to move away. The first friend I’ve ever had during my years in preschool days lived right across the street to me. He would always come over and we’d play in our front yard. For some reason, he ended up moving away without a goodbye and I’ve never seen him since. Another friend I made was during 4th grade. She was actually my brothers friend, but she was somehow closer to me. I was close to her parents too and I would often go to church with them. Then they moved overseas and I’ve lost contact with them too. It was during the same time that I had a friend who went to the same Saturday school and primary as me. He ended up moving away and switched schools. Then about 4 years later we bumped into each other in intermediate/junior high, and he didn’t recognize me. His exact words were “I don’t know you”. My heart sank at those words. He later went to the same high school as me and I recognized me then, but deep down I still think he remembers me as the guy who went to the same Saturday school. During my first year of junior high, my friend of 2 to 3 years left to go to Australia. This really made me lose trust in people because he told a friend to tell all his friends that he’s leaving, and me. At that time, he sounded like I was not a friend. I haven’t heard from him since.

I could go on, but these next few people have made a huge dent in my heart, so I’ll leave it out. All I can say is, we became close, then they left to another country, and we slowly stopped keeping in touch to point where we’ve completely stopped talking. These 2 friends were my closest and most trustworthy friends. At the peak of our friendship, I could tell them anything and not have to worry about being judged, but when one end stops reaching out, it kinda just ends in silence, and that was especially so this year. When it comes to things that are personal about myself, my deepest feelings and what’s on my mind, I never really share them. I’ve lost a lot of trust in everyone and I’ve closed myself off. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism, maybe I just don’t want to get hurt again. I think I’ve given up on a lot of people.

Relationships. No.

It gets even worse there. I don’t think I can bring myself to talk about it because it has broken me down more than anything else in the world. Maybe one day, but not anytime soon. I’m still trying to find closer, or whatever people say these days.

I’ve never shared these things to anyone, and there are some details that I intentionally left out because for sure it would bring down my mood. I may not know much of anything, but I know myself well enough to avoid the things that make me feel uncomfortable, so I’ll leave it at that for now.

I was not expecting to write all this so early on. I’ve literally started this blog not even a week ago and this is my 7th journal entry that I’m writing, but this is kinda what I’m aiming for with my blog. There are still a lot of stories I have yet to share and for those, I would dedicate an entire post to those individual stories. I’m still working on what kind of posts I would like to made aside from my daily journal and stories. I sort of want to make a post on notes and words where I write a bunch of random thoughts or lists of things I plan on doing in a week and see how those change and develop within a week. Though it would lose it’s purpose since I write most of my thoughts in my journal entries.

Writing a blog is so hard haha. Anyway, gonna take a shower and head to bed, talk to you tomorrow, good night.

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