Science Has Invented A Vibrating Pill To Literally Shake The Poop Out of You

What does the word “vibrant” make you think of? If your answer is “a swallow-able motor that shakes your intestines until they release their stranglehold on your fecal matter,” then wow! Good job, weirdo! That’s exactly what the motorized Vibrant pill is designed to doo do.

The idea of swallowing a miniature motor to rev up your poop tubes may sound dubious, but likely less so when you consider the discomfort and inconvenience that can accompany laxative use. Vibrant’s mechanically operated relief was developed by gastroenterologists at the Tel-Aviv Sourasky Medical Center, and in spite of its inherent weirdness could be a massive breakthrough in easing the symptoms of some digestive diseases.

Not to scale. Thankfully.

Vibrant has already been tested for efficacy on 26 chronic constipation sufferers who averaged only two bowel movements a week (yikes!) pre-treatment. Designed to be taken at mealtime, the 22 by 11 mm vitamin-sized capsule is programmed to turn on and start vibrating 6-8 hours after eating, encouraging peristaltic movement in the large intestine to move “things” along. Again, shaking your innards like a poolaroid picture doesn’t sound comfortable (Vibrant’s tornado-like logo doesn’t help) but the capsule should cause less stomach cramps and mad bathroom dashes than conventional chemical relief.

I’m sure the developers in all their weird wisdom have accounted for this, but my greatest worry would actually be what happens to the motor after its dirty deed is done. Vibrant’s website says the capsule is “washed out of the body with the bowel movement.” Are public restrooms now going to be filled not only with the echos of digestive explosions but the sounds of tiny jumping-bean pills being expelled from the body and ricocheting around toilet bowls?

Don’t feign disgust, my fecal-frustrated friends. These are the important questions one needs to ask when swallowing a poo-propeller.