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Thursday, August 5, 2010

A bro’s time is fucking precious. Bros are the most important, smartest, and #109 best looking people on the planet and therefore should never be taken for granted. Sure there’s no actual rate on a bro’s time, but if I had to label it, I would say take whatever the fuck a #83 Doctor makes – and double it. Since a bro’s time is so fucking valuable, there’s no time for the bullshit bro-hater invention called “small talk.” Small talk is basically a way for #80 losers/old women whose only friends are dead to try to get some sort of human contact. Honestly, why the fuck would anyone ever need to waste someone’s time by talking about how much they hate traffic, where they live, or worst of all, “What’s up with this weather??” Bros have more important shit to talk about – like how many slam pieces they’ve banged, #1 how drunk they got last night and most importantly how drunk they’re planning on getting tonight. While these are all pressing issues, there’s one topic that bros across the fucking country agree to be by far the most critical. It creates goats. It creates legends. It makes people fucking #26 hate each other just because they were born 100 miles apart. It makes bros fucking celebrate like they just got triple-teamed by the Dahm triplets. It’s fucking Sports. While “chatting” with some old lady in line at the store for one minute about her fucking grandchildren is a complete waste of time – arguing for hours about whether Henry Rowengardner could strike out a juiced Barry Bonds is fucking priceless. Bros fucking love talking about Sports.

Honestly, what self-respecting guy doesn’t like Sports? I really don’t understand how that shit happens. If you’ve gotten to this point thinking, “Oh fuck yeah, I’m a fucking bro,” then see this and try to make a fucking argument saying some shit like, “You don’t need to like Sports to be a bro,” you’re fucking wrong. Get the fuck off this site now. You know who doesn’t like Sports? #89 Hipsters. That’s because they fucking suck at them and “Sports” to them means bros #pissing on their locker in #111 High School gym class. Serves them right for wearing glasses. In all seriousness though, Sports are more important to this country than fucking Religion. Since bros are the smartest people on the fucking planet, you better believe they know more about Sports than anyone else.

Growing up every bro memorized the Sports page every fucking morning and still, to this day, will grab that shit before they look at any other bullshit newspaper filler, “Entertainment,” “Classifieds,” or “World News.” Bros would rather watch a repeat episode of PTI they watched 30 minutes earlier than fucking “60 Minutes.” Bros always need to stay sharp on current events in the Sports world so they don’t look like a fucking idiot when they’re hanging out with their bros.

Among every group of bros, there’s a hierarchy of Sports Knowledge. There’s always that one guy within the group who knows the most obscure Sports Trivia and can name the Final Four participants from the past 20 years or the last 25 #1 NFL Draft picks. The hierarchy of knowledge starts getting progressively lower until you get to the guy who isn’t that interested in Sports, but acts like he is and does extra research just so he isn’t labeled a fucking bro-hater. A lot of times the bro with no Sports Knowledge sounds more like a fucking girl when he talks about Sports. He’ll drop shit like, “What period is it?” while watching a Football game, or will totally butcher pronouncing someone’s name while acting like he knows what he’s talking about. While it’s truly embarrassing to even be associated with someone like this, the good news is that all you need to do is call him a fucking loser for trying to fit in. Will he try to #121 fight back? He fucking better not – by not knowing shit about Sports, he assumes the role within the group as #117 bitch and deserves anything he fucking gets.

As shocking as it might sound, a bro’s life does not merely revolve around constantly getting fucking hammered and nailing sluts. Bros are fucking Renaissance Men. As the rest of society mindlessly chatters away in their pointless conversations, bros realize what’s really worth talking about. It really doesn’t matter the type of Sport, the players involved, or even the facts – bros fucking know the answer. So if you see me walking down the street, don’t ask me if I think it’s going to fucking rain – I save my breath for when it fucking matter. Let me know when you’re ready to talk about fucking Sports.

Bros like doing sporcle quizzes and being able to name all the heisman winners, the starting lineup of championship teams, scores of super bowls or cy young winners, or dominating any sports trivia contest that comes up. I myself have an absurd memory for important stuff like sports. CNN can suck me because the only news i care about come from the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network

You forgot to include that all bros are friends with everyone on whatever good college sports team there is at there school. Or even if they don't have any good sports teams, theyre still boys from highschool with some kid playing D1 ball somewhere

One of my bros from high school was by far the random sports trivia champ when it came to college football. you could name any college player ever and he could tell you what school they went to and what fucking number they wore. what a man

I can't tell you the amount of times I try to hold a conversation with someone I think is a bro, then when I bring up something about the Braves game, that motherfucker doesn't even know the starting lineup. Fuck.

As if sports on their own weren't good enough, they're a whole other world for getting turbo. Being shithoused while watching a football game is one of the best things on this whole damn planet.

"I watch sports dawg, that's basically what I'm trying to say, I watch sports. That's what I'm into. Sports, sports, sports, every sport. Hockey, golf, basketball, football of course, baseball, y'know what I mean I got a favorite team, a favorite player in every single sport, I'm not gonna answer those questions..." Dedication2

Cutler - "I happen to be training for a triathlon right now. Doin' a lot of running, and cycling, swimming, well you know all about that.

Kenny Fucking Powers - "No actually I don't. I play REAL SPORTS, I'm not trying to be the best at exercising"

All I know is, if it weren't for ESPN.com. I would quit my fucking job.

you better believe bros get fuckin hammered on nights when their team is playing a game. love pregaming to a sporting event before the quest for slam pieces comes along later in the night. and most importantly, bros LOVE betting on sports. nothin is more bro than telling your fellow bros how you won one grand on a crazy underdog. sports are teh shit

YOU KNOW WHO IS NOT A BRO WHO I ALWAYS THOUGHT SERIOUSLY WAS A BRO BECAUSE HE/SHE'S A TRANSVESTITE IS JACKIE MACMULLEN... UNTIL SHE REFERENCED "SIGH-MIN GAG-NEE" INSTEAD OF PRONOUNCING IT SIMON GAGNE LIKE ITS FUCKING PRONOUNCED!!!!!! NOT A BRO

for the fag who said nascar isnt a sport, while i agree it doesnt take a whole tone of athleticism, go to one of the races. everyone there gets absolutely shit housed, you can fuck around and wear a tank top and jorts to make fun of the rednecks, there is always a huge crash and the ever-present possibility of watching someone die. plus, it takes balls to drive a car 200 + mph on that track and drivers on average lose like 10 or 12 lbs during the race from sweating

I love how you used a capital "S" every time you wrote Sports -that proves how fucking important Sports really are.

Whenever bros read, it's never some bullshit like The New York Times, CNN.com or worse: books. Bros always read 5 or 6 sports blogs a day such as Deadspin, Bleacher Report or Espn.com as well as localized blogs such as Barstool or The700level. Good work NYB.

Also, very bro to talk about sports teams from fictional movies. Like could the Sentinals from the Replacements beat the Sharks from Any Given Sunday? Or could Julius Campbell from Remember the Titans been blocked by Billy Bob from Varsity Blues? Bros love arguing about this shit and as a fucking Bro King I am always right no matter what.

Even if I am not watching TV, you better believe ESPN is on anyway. I would rather watch 5 repeat episodes of Sportscenter than a single minute of the news. Liking Sports is a requirement of being a bro. Great post, NYB.

If some slam piece tries to argue that cheerleading is a sport, tell the bitch that the Supreme Court ruled that its not. No one gives a shit what a cheerleader does only that she is hot and wears a skimpy outfit.

Poker, racing, and fishing are definitely not sports. They can be considered bro activities or bro games like beer pong but they're not a sport.

Amen that sports makes people hate each other. I might meet some bro from Boston who otherwise might have been someone I'd roll with but if he disses the Colts I don't care who the fuck he is, you better fucking believe I'll kick the shit out of him.

To the fairy who said baseball is a bro sport, get the fuck off this site. Baseball players are the biggest faggots on the planet. Everyone knows the true bro sport is lacrosse and all lax bros are sworn enemies of those arm shaving, both ears pierced, Timberland wearing douchebags of the diamond. Baseball players don't pull dimes, they lube up their bats and fuck each other. There's like 9 fucking minor leagues and 100 fucking rounds in the draft, get the fuck out. Jesus fucking Christ I hate baseball.

Also not bro, NASCAR. Who the fuck wants to watch fat rednecks make 500 left turns? More fat rednecks, that's fucking who. Been to 2 races to get fucking blacked and stare at blondes in jorts, but that's all it's good for.

Sports fucking rule. Go Redskins. The Cowboys are going to get fist fucked.

Bro Hater Patches. Shut your fucking mouth please. Baseball is not only America's past time, but better than LAX. There are so many rounds because baseball is a real sport and owners have plenty of bro dough to spend. Unlike lax where players make the same as a teenagers summer job. Baseball is on every fucking night because bros watch that shit. Lax is on espn 2 once in a blue moon at mid day.

Soccer may not be the most popular Sport in the U.S.S. but soccer players are filthy fucking rich and bang by far the hottest slampieces in the world. Cristiano Ronaldo made $155 Million just for signing a 6-year deal and probably has 7-somes on the reg with fucking swedish models. Even David Beckham who sucks balls makes millions and is fucking Posh Spice. Soccer bros are legit.

Rae and fairy anonymous, you are fucking dolts. Bros love contact and trainwrecking lesser dudes; baseball is for pussies. You swing a twig and wear tight pants, congrats. Fat slobs like David Wells, Prince Fielder, and C.C. Sabathia own shit... must be a real athletic sport! Only the pussiest of sports would be able to be played 9 nights in a row and with a 160+ game season. In conclusion, fuck both of you and fuck baseball. America's past time is a dying sport.

First off- Patches- shut the fuck up. Kenny Powers, who is one of, if not the greatest bro of all time, thinks you're a fucking pussy. Athleticism and David Wells? Do you have any idea how fucking hungover he was when he threw a perfect game? I'll admit many guidos play baseball, however the sport has its fair share of bro kings. Case in point: Daryl Strawberry.

Second- nothing against soccer, but Cristiano Ronaldo is a metrosexual fucking fairy and as far from bro as you can possibly get, who gives a fuck how rich he is. If you think he is a bro, please get off of this site. Let me know when he stops looking like the missing cast member of jersey shore and gets arrested for a DUI.

Great post. one of the worst fuckin things ever said is using the term "out of bounds" in baseball, or if some idiot says "the score is 2 to 5". too many bro hating hipsters out there who say, "i'm not really into sports, just like tennis and the world cup".

Gotta roll with Patches on this one. And David BROne, you made his point. The coolest baseball player of all time, Kenny Powers, doesn't exist. Baseball is for guidos and roid heads. Can't wait for football season.

I fucking love me some lax but you cannot say baseball is not a bro sport.. 2 hours of packing the fattest lips and trying to crush a fucking ball 400 feet.. So fucking bro.. Lax doesnt have its own tv network either.. And perhaps the biggest bro in sports ( Nick Swisher) is an All star baseball player.. its pretty bro

I think soccer is a bro sport. Just look at the slam pieces that those pros over in Europe are pulling in. The words "I'm a Footballer" will get you into any party in Europe. Super bros like Sergio Ramos and Capdevilia on Spain (note: World Champs) have even starred in pornos from what I have heard.

But Christiano Ronaldo is as far from bro as possible. He is a pansy ass limp-dick motherfucker which makes sense since Portugal is one of the most overrated nations, just like him. If you want to look at soccer bro just look at Landon Donovan's goal against Algeria and the looks on slampieces faces when he did score. You better fucking believe that there was some scoring for him off the field after that one. GO U-S-A!

Reali is a tool. Ill take J.A. Adonde everyday. reali just sits there and pretends to know what they are all talking about, but actually is slowly becoming less intelligent because the hair gel is seeping in through his pores.

PTI is the shit.Sportscenter is the shit.Jim Rome eats cockmeat sandwiches.

Tiger Woods is the ultimate bro, well, at least he was untill he started finishing 78th out of 80.

brony kornheiser and michael wilbro are the greatest 2 men on television. around the horn blows. jim rome isnt burning, he's flaming. anyone who says baseball isnt a bro sport needs to go to their gynocologist because obviously there has been some misplaced sand. on a side note, did all you bros notice dave matthews band is gonna perform at the NFL kickoff concert? fucking legit

Soccer is totally a bro sport, you fuckers who say otherwise can get the fuck out. Do you even realize how many slam pieces guys like Beckham and Ronaldo pull on a nightly basis? Girls get wet over that shit.

Not trying to sound like a bro hater, but... When it comes to knowing shit about sports (which trust me, I do,) I feel like there's a certain point where a bros knowledge becomes too much and isn't very bro of them to be able to tell you who the 14th seed was in the East region of the 1992 NCAA tournament. I feel like that's more along the lines of... nerd.

I knew a kid back in college who considered himself a bro, but at the same time, could tell you the nickname of every Division 2 school... at one point, don't you just say, why don't you focus on slam pieces instead?

Patches O'retard knows nothing about anything just he is that one gay laxer who thinks he is on top of the world. Get over yourself. Dont be mad cuz when you packed ur first lip you yacked everywhere, and you always played rightfield, even in t-ball.

Sports are the only thing in this world that I'm truly passionate about. You know how crushing it was for a Dolphins fan to see Marino walk away from the game without a ring? That shit almost brought a bro to tears. We all know bros don't cry, but if they did it would definitely be because of some sports-related loss.

My bros and I while trying to incorporate drinking and sports updates found one of the best drinking games known to man. Whenever a team name is mentioned on sportcenter you drink. The rules are simple and I hope that you bros use this game to its full potential.