Burr Martin Experience

The whole Selfie family is in the studio for an episode that could only be called "Dog Poop and Baby Fingers". Selfie mom classes up the podcast with a story about dogs you won't want to hear while eating, Selfie Son helps parents out with some new kid phrases, the youngest Selfie Daughter talks about her time in the woods and Cassie gives me 2 minutes of her time. All that PLUS, my interviews from ECCC with Jason Halverson, Mike Seibert and the 501st. ALSO, a bonus of my Stand Up bit from my return to the stage. But wait! That's not all! There's also Nearly News! Yep, it's a big one. As a plus, it's a TRUMP FREE PODCAST!

Because the audio may not be perfect, I've written down my Stand Up bit as best I could below.

Alright.

Uh, that was a nice smattering of applause, I think you raised the bar a little too high.I would have elected one guy to applaud, thatwould've been about the level of where this is gonna get to.

Some of you may or may not recognize me. A little while ago, I went viral on the internet because I was recreating my daughters racy selfies.

Yeah, this is what 16 minutes of fame looks like.

I know a lot of you of you are probably looking at me, you'd like to say some nasty things about me, well you're too late because my face has been on the internet and I've read the comments.

If you'd like to tell me I have the face of a Mr. Potato head that's been left on a hot car dashboard too long, you're too late.

If you'd like to tell me I have the body of a superheroes..best friend, too late.

If you'd like to tell me you'd like to sleep with my wife, sleep with my daughter or how many times you've banged my mom, your too late.

Also, and I'm quoting here, you're too late if you'd like to tell me I may be fruity on the downlow,

I have been married for 28 years. 28 years to the same woman.

Yeah, the only people that clap for that are the single people that are still looking that are usually women .because they're like "That's good, stay in a relationship. Stay married, don't come out here, I don't want to tell you no, it'll make me sad."

Being married for 28 years has taught me one thing, is that if your wife is up at the 3 in the morning, the first thing you need to do is walk over to her andask her a very serious question, :What did I do this time?"

Uh, I look at my wife and I feel bad. I look at my beautiful wife and think, "Ah, she probably couldv'e married better. She probably could've married higher. She's good looking, I'm AH! but then I walked in one time and she was crying watching the Kardashians and I thought, I'm probably the highest she was going to get, I'm probably doing her a favor."