Thursday, May 28, 2009

Never has so much been made of so little -- even in Yankee land. If Yankee fans hear John Sterling, Michael Kay, and Brian Cashman say it often enough, they will believe anything. You know, things like Joba Chamberlain is having a good year or he's going to be a "special" starter.

Joba Chamberalin is not having a good year. He's having a terrible year. His WHIP is 1.57, that means he's in 107th out of 124 starters. His innings per start is 5.03, good for 112 out of 124.

Special? He's not even mediocre. He's down near the bottom in every meaningful statistic. Don't stick his ERA in my face, he gets taken out of games before he ever gets pounded. Joba has never taken even a third of an inning for the team.

You say, "But Suzyn Waldman says he has great stuff!" Daniel Cabrera has great stuff, so does Ollie Perez. Good stuff does not equal good pitching.

Joba Chamberlain was a special reliever over a short period of time. So far, as a starter, Joba Chamberlain sucks.

This is my obligatory Gary Sheffield Report that explains that I was wrong about him being totally washed up. But before I put my tail between my legs...

Why wasn't Gary Sheffield running hard last night when he got thrown out at home? And why did Jerry Manuel give him a pass? If Ryan Church had failed to run hard, Jerry would have thrown Mr. Church under the bus, backed the bus over his body and kicked him in the nuts for good measure.

Could Jerry be scared that Sheffield would go off like a cluster bomb filled with hate, entitlement and 'roid rage? Probably.

Is it just me or should they have made that bobble head's head a little bigger? What with the massive amounts of steroids and human growth hormones it looks as if Gary Sheffield's head was designed to scale.

I'm sorry but I have forgotten the point of this post. Oh wait, steroids and HGH make hitters better.

Though he will never admit it when you ask him face to face, I always had the feeling that NBA Commissioner David Stern read this blog. Dwight Howard's technical foul was overturned. The free throws that were taken because of the bad call don't get overturned which leads one to wonder what would happen if the Magic has lost the game by one.

That's a lovely photo of David Stern and another fat, white, old, guy entertaining their nieces from out of town.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

If I was coaching the Cavaliers, they would move on to the finals. No doubt. Guaranteed. No shit. A two word game plan will result in victory.

Bait Howard

Dwight Howard got his 6th technical foul of the playoffs last night. If he gets called for one more technical foul, he will be thrown out of the game and suspended for an additional game. Without Dwight Howard, the Orlando Magic will lose.

The Cavaliers should do whatever it takes to get Howard a technical. Punch him, trip him, call his mother an ugly whore that sucks off Dick Vitale for nickels.

It's not cheating. It's called gamesmanship. It must be done early in the next game.

It doesn't take much to get a technical foul nowadays -- unless you are LeBron James. Last night Howard got one for striking a WWF pose after a slam dunk. What was laughable about the foul call was that the reason he struck a pose was that a big hairy Brazilian guy grabbed him and tried to wrestle him to the ground. Howard ignored the goon, leaped into the air and finished the play. Dave Stern's refs called a technical. Dave Stern really wants LeBron in the finals.

I know what you're thinking, Dwight Howard is a pretty smart guy. He went to high school and stuff. He's going to expect the Cavaliers to go after him.

I'd use Sasha Pavlovic. He barely plays and he's a Serb. As we all know, Serbs can be really annoying. If I was the Cavalier coach, within the first minute of the next game, Dwight Howard would get a technical and my team would be guaranteed a berth in the NBA Finals.

Sasha Pavlovic would foul Howard hard. He would grab Howard's ass. He would curse as only a Serb can. He would lick the rivulets of sweat off of Howard's finely chiseled upper arms. Whatever it takes, by all means necessary, he would get Howard to commit a technical foul or I would send him back to Serbia.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I need a current movie porn name for a bit I'm posting at the site. The best I can do is, Gapes of Girlfriends Ass. The guys at work didn't even recognize the move I was mocking (Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, duh. And no I haven't been dragged to it, yet). So, I e-mail my brother and 5 minutes later I get a long list that contains the following:

There Will Be Blood, She's A VirginNo Cunt for Old MenThe Taking Of Helen by 1, 2, 3!Up, YoursTwatlightJourney to the Center of Eartha KittMarley and Me and Peanut Butter

The guy is a comedic idiot savant. Up,Yours might be my favorite. It's the touching story of a square old pedophile, his pear-shaped, vaguely Asian, special boy and a dog that talks dirty. Up,Yours with Peanut Butter, anyone?

Friday, May 22, 2009

Brand spanking new bit over at CircusAfterDark.com. Now you can own every possible bit of useless crap torn from the vacant carcass that was the House that Ruth Built, (for you Yankee fans that's what they used to call Yankee Stadium back in the day). Take a gander at two of the items I have sitting here on my blog.

Yup, that's the reanimated remains of the Sultan of Swat. Funny thing about this photoshop job is that it looks like I put his head on his body wrong but no, the man had no neck. I never touched that part of the photo. I just stretched his forehead using the liquify tool and pasted on the stitches and bolts.

This requires no explanation. Okay, maybe a little. Authentic game used Derek Jeter Herpes Scabs and Sores scrapped from the floor of the locker formerly known as St. Jeter's Basilica. Stop muttering. This ain't Erma Bombeck. And yes, those really are yucky herpes images gleened from google. To the best of my knowledge, they are not from Derek Jeter.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I was just reading a bit that is posted over at the site, admiring my own cleverness and wit, when I found two typos. I hate typos. What pisses me off about these particular typos is that not only did I miss them, no fewer than two editors at National Lampoon missed them two. (I did that on purpose cause it's whacky).

I have this dislexic thing about your and you're. I know I have this problem. I've always had this problem. You would think that whenever I type these frickin' words I would be extra careful. You would be wrong.

1. National Lampoon bought it even though it had been on UncleMelon.com for years and had been read by several dozen people. A couple of Benjamin Franklins for absolutely nothing, sweet.

2. I really, really like the photoshop job I did on that dandelion corsage. I especially like the two dangling flowers. Most of the stuff I do is crap but not always.

3. The loser with the pink cummerbund is Stuttering John Melendez from the old Howard Stern Show. Why did I use it? Because dogs can lick they're own balls. I got a thing about their, there, and they're, two.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Missing third base is a mistake. A brain lock. A misstep. It is not bad fundamental baseball.

Leftfielder Angel Pagan getting in the way of centerfielder Carlos Beltran is horrendous fundamental baseball. Golden boy Daniel Murphy breaking from first base before the pitcher starts his windup is horrendous fundamental baseball. Luis Castillo continually bunting at the wrong time is horrendous fundamental baseball. Golden boy Daniel Murphy putting his glove in front of his face so that he can't see the ball is horrendous fundamental baseball. Check that, bad example, that is just a GodFuckingAwfulDisplay of non-athleticism.

Ron Darling's analysis was priceless, "Murphy put his glove in front of his face so he couldn't see the ball." The crack SNY crew stopped the action so we could see the ball, the glove but not Murphy's face. "See that Gary? Murphy's glove is right in front of his face. He couldn't see the ball during the last two feet of its flight."

It got better, "All you Little Leaguers out there. You should try to put your glove either above or below your face so you can see the ball. It makes it much easier to catch."

Sometimes it looks like the Golden Boy has never played baseball before. How can such a spaz actually hit a baseball? I thought it was the toughest thing in sports.

But missing third is not bad fundamental baseball. Stop calling up radio stations, youfucktards.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Everyday on my way to work I have to go over the Tappan Zee Bridge. And everyday I see that sign. And everyday it ticks me off. How the hell does the New York State Thruway Authority know if my life is worth living? They can't even fill a pot hole in a timely fashion.

Maybe my life isn't worth living. Maybe being stuck in God awful traffic because the New York State Thruway Authority doesn't bother to supervise the construction contractors it over pays has made my life a living hell.

The New York State Thruway Authority doesn't give a rat's ass if you off yourself. Just don't do it on their bridge. If the sign was truthful, like this version, I would have less daily agita.

Steve, from HudsonValleyEXXXposed.com, while too frightened to leave an actual comment, suggested this alternate sign during our 8:30 coffee break.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

On May 7th, I went to my first game at the new Yankee Stadium. The paid attendance was announced at 43,769 but there seemed to be a lot of empty seats. Look at this photo I took between the 5th and 6th innings:

BTW, here's irrefutable, scientific proof that the empty seats are causing the increase in wind and subsequent increase in home runs.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

From the PtB archives:Given that hockey playoff scores are now part of the 20 minute updates on sports talk radio, I figured I'd post this hockey bit.

Canadian or Lesbian? has a weird origin story. This guy that owned either CollegeHumor or ConsumptionJunction approached my brother and me about writing a monthly humor section for a magazine he was launching. The magazine was going to be called Dream. It was going to be just like Maxim or FHM but with thick, shiny paper and wide open beavers inside. It didn't seem like much of a business plan to me but I was not an internet millionaire. My stupid site was costing me money to run.

We were supposed to fill four full pages every month and were going to get paid a whopping 25 cents a word. We were also going to be allowed to use real, live models and art production so we didn't have to steal photos off of google. It seemed too good to be true. Remember that thought.

We had a ridiculous deadline for the first issue and getting paid was going straight to our heads. We immediately were propelled back to high school. We were counting every word and mulitplying each one by 25 cents. We added as many and's and the's as we could. We never used a can't when we could use a can not. We asked if hyphenated words counted as two.

Then the guy (I just can't remember his name) tells us he wants a bit called Canadian or Lesbian? because you know, that would be so effing funny, so do it, okay? We didn't even know what it meant or why it was so inherently funny. My brother came up with the idea that maybe its because both words end in "ians."

So we write the bit and use Neve Campbell and Jill Hennessey as stand-ins for the promised art production. The guy loves it. He also loves everything else we wrote. I had this great idea for a foto funnies series on sexual perversions that could only be done with real models. It was kick ass funny in a very old school National Lampoon way.

Then the guy screws us. He's got no problem paying us -- it was only like 80 bucks. But it was a no go to the original production. His lawyers said it was okay to use the images we stole from the internet for the mock-ups. So we bailed.

And ended up with this pretty funny bit called Canadian or Lesbian?

Canadian or Lesbian?

How to tell the difference?

Hot, Canadian babes are often hard to tell apart from hot, lesbian babes. They share many common characteristics. Why is this important? If you are a man, trying to pick up a lesbian babe can be difficult and may result in embarassing public rejections. If you are a lesbian that isn't too discriminating, a Canadian lesbian can often be acquired for the price of a beer.

The following picture points out the confusing areas of concern:

So how do you tell them apart? Luckily, there are glaring differences that with a little practice can be easy for the connoisseur to identify. Here are the major differences:

Lesbian: Would never let anyone named Stanley cup her assCanadian: Would drink a quart of Labatts from Stanley's cup

D-Rod RamblingsDavid Wright's error in the first reminded me of the years I played high arc softball for Deer Park Ironworks. Nice bunch of guys, heavily into steroids. My thighs were smaller than the team's average bicep -- but I could throw better than anyone else on the team. That short armed throw last night is the result of way too much time spent benching the rack. Big, tight pecs.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Yesterday, amid the pink bats, and the pink wrist bands, and the pink spikes, and the pink shin guards, and the pink lapel pins and the pink jock straps, stood Joba the Nut. Of the five Yankee starters that could have pitched on Mother's Day, we got to watch Joba Chamberlain. Joba was raised by his dad because his mother was a crack whore. The same mother that was arrested last week trying to sell meth to an undercover cop.

I was smiling at the irony and I'm sure God was too.

Hopefully, Joba will get to pitch on Father's Day in a packed stadium filled with blue balls -- and blue bats, and blue wrist bands, and blue lapel pins.

Friday, May 8, 2009

This post is about everyone's favorite Met and/or Dodger fan. There's Alyssa Milano showing off her good points at good old Shea Stadium.

Alyssa is famous for that show with Tony Danza, that show Charmed (which I never watched because I used to be a boy) and having her naked breasts plastered all over the internet back in the wild west days of the web.

So back when I wrote my infamous bit How to Eat Pussy I used a photo of Alyssa to illustrate some forgotten, but surely funny, aspect of cunnilingus. Here's the photo with two annoying Mets logos and the back of my head* obscurring her amazing talents.

Weeks went by and the bit became extremely popular. If you typed "How to Eat Pussy" into google, my site was at the top of the list. That converts to thousands of visits a day. When I die, my wife has promised to put the following on my gravestone:

So I have that going for me, which is nice.

Then I got an e-mail from Alyssa Milano's mom. She was very upset and feeling quite litigious. How dare I post a photo of her daughter on the internet that showed off her vacant stare and pre-performance enhanced breasts (not to mention her puffy nipples -- no, her mom did not mention her puffy nipples). Turns out Alyssa Milano's mom runs a company that scours the internet looking for celebrity photos that are being used without permission or compensation. Alyssa's mom was not so much outraged by my use of her daughter's breasts but that I hadn't paid her for the priviledge. Pimp-le! I was screwed.

I wrote back that I was sorry and replaced the Alyssa photo with this:

It's funnier and Meryl Streep's mom hasn't bothered me at all.

*That is not really my head. It's some guy at a backyard barbecue. His mom hasn't e-mailed me either.

Joe: Doesn't it seem like every player Joe Torre manages takes steroids? And he's always surprised. Joe, stop being surprised.

Bill: Remember Bill "Amber Alert" Welke? He blew two calls last night. He singlehandedly is going to ruin the umpires annual bs report. He also has never seen a run down before. Bottom line, Phillies scored 2 extra runs and the Mets were forced to use Frankie "Don't call me K-Rod."

The Sheff: Gary Sheffield left 5 runners on base last night. For the season, 38 runners - drove in 3. Pathetic.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

So, I'm waiting for the games to start last night and Loudmouths is on SNY and their riffing on the Sean Green thing and I'm thinking, "Damn, they stole my bit." But they're comparing Sean Green with Shonn Greene.

Shonn Greene is a running back out of Iowa. At 5'11" and 227 lbs, he's undersized and was slow at the combines. Something tells me that he could stand in the batter's box and waggle his bat just as effectively as Gary Sheffield. Sign him up, Omar.

While we are on the subject of Shawn Green, it was a little bit sad early this season when Kevin Youkilis passed Art Shamsky bumping him off the Top 10 list.

Monday, May 4, 2009

The Mets keep signing Sean Greens, and while the spelling may differ, they all stink. Are there any other Sean Greens, Shawn Greens or Shon Greenes out there? The MLB minimum is over $400,000.

The first Shawn Green looked good in a uniform and made every yenta on the upper east side cream in her jeans but he couldn't hit or field, or run.

The new Sean Green doesn't look so good in a uniform and don't pitch so good.

Hey Omar, howabout signing one these Sean Greenes I have assembled here on my blog:

This Sean Greene plays a mean tuba and looks like a light hitting second baseman. I know we have two of those but we can always use another.

This Sean Greene is a choreographer and former ballet dancer. I admit he doesn't look like much but my scouts tell me that he has a knuckleball that floats, dances and pirouettes.

I saved the best Shawn Greene for last. He's currently a professional Kart racer with over 400 friends. He's a libra and looks great for a guy that is 101 years old. He's single, straight and has a little pop from the right-side.

For a loss, saturday's game was not so bad. Yeah, Ollie Perez stunk but the Mets came back and Ken Takahashi came in from the bullpen to keep the game close. Let's sign Takahashi to a $37 million extension and make him our 4th starter.

Jayson Werth is officially the Mets Killer. When he's not getting clutch hits, he's gunning guys down at the plate. I'd rather see Ryan Howard and Shane Victorino whenit counts than Mr. Werth.

But this post is about the Sheff. He batted cleanup, again. And left 4 runners on base, again. What happened to using Sheffield only as a pinch hitter? Last week I assumed that Omar Minaya was intellectually challenged and explained things with simple words and pictures. I have come to the conclusion that Omar Minaya and Jerry Manuel are both effing stupid.

Gary Sheffield batting .176 with 1 HR and 4 RBIs is the cleanup hitter. Gary Sheffield has come to the plate with 32 runners on base and driven in 3. That's 9%! That's worse than everybody's whipping boy, David Wright.