Tag Archives | really exploitative winter sports

Naked Fire Luge

Though not as dangerous as skurlington, naked fire luge, is, in many ways, a much more exciting sport for the viewer. The luge run is ringed by fire on both sides, and there are massive pools of napalm behind each of the curves. The highly flammable gelatin is held safely behind the concrete shoulders, except for a thin celluloid membrane near the top of the berm. If an athlete takes the corner too high, the membrane rips, which in turn releases the napalm, which is ignited by the flre at the top of the run.

For added excitement and visual appeal, the entire race is run stark naked and at night. This should also give the doubles event an added frisson. (Though we hope it also encourages more mixed doubles teams. Not that there’s anything wrong with the traditional two-man luge thing — we’re looking at you Germany.)

Bottomless Ski Jumping

This event is technically not for the athletes, but a chance for countries to improve their standings in the medals. A standard ski jump is fitted with one bottomless pit at the end of the run. (Winter Olympic committees, we’d recommend ACME Bottomless Pits for your supply.)

Participants can be voluntary, or those “selected” by a country’s Olympic committee; we would suggest that this event is best served by having unpopular politicians take part.

Medals are awarded on the basis of who does the LEAST screaming on the way down. Gold only awarded to total silence, and probably the only way we can get some politicos to shut up. Thanks to D. Bartholemew Lurie for this suggestion.

Explo-Curling

Though not as fast-paced as skurlington, Explo-Curling more than makes up for it in sheer tension.

A standard game of curling is played, except each team is given one rock — indistinguishable from the others — that is a powerful explosive device rigged to explode on violent contact. They do not know which rock, and neither does the other team.

Skips are fitted with explosive belts set to blow at the same time as any rock on the ice sheet, giving them a stake in the game, and really making them think about those takeout shots. Thanks to Mike Rayner for this suggestion.

Because it continues to list The Skwib below the fold, Alltop has been volunteered for this year’s Bottomless Ski Jump competition. Originally published in February, 2010.

You’d think that a combination sport that included brutal cross-country skiing and the use of firearms would be really exciting. And you’d be wrong.

But we have the solution. It does, however, require the addition of polar bears.

In a regular biathlon, the athletes ski a certain distance, and then have to fire their rifle from either prone or standing positions. They carry small bore rifles, and fire at five separate targets. We’ve changed the skiing component to one flat-out race against a polar bear, at the end of which the athlete must turn, un-shoulder their rifle, and fire at the polar bear. Obviously, this wouldn’t be very sporting if the athletes only got a small bore rifle — a .22 slug is probably going to feel like a mosquito bite to a polar bear — so we’re suggesting a much heavier caliber, but in the spirit of fair play, they will only get one shot.

Now, it will take a well-trained athlete to get even one shot off. The race is 300 meters for the human, and 400 for the bear. However, polar bears can run up to 11 meters per second, and the top speed of even the best cross-country skier is 9 meters per second, and that’s without carrying a rifle capable of bringing down a polar bear with one shot. The best athletes will have at most several seconds to un-sling their rifle, aim and shoot.

The worst athletes will give new meaning to “the agony of defeat.”

But we can hear you thinking, “isn’t this cruel to the polar bears?” Well, they’re all going to drown in a few years anyway, right, and this way they get a fighting chance.