Humor and Sex. Mostly Sex.

Blog posts I didn’t write

I’ve accumulated quite a pile of still-born ideas for blog entries over the past month. I’m not sure what to do with them. Maybe if I clump all of them together, I can squeeze a single post out of them, sort of e pluribus unum and all that, maybe? Let’s try that. Here’s a couple of ideas I had for posts that didn’t quite make it out of the embryonic stage.

Condoms. I was going to write about condoms when a character in a novel I was reading (Stephen King’s 11/22/63) complained that they were uncomfortable and constricting to wear and it occurred to me that I never much thought about condoms, as I have the ladyparts.

The title of this image is “Sad Condom.” I can’t think of anything funnier than that, so I’ll leave it alone.

Well, I mean, I’ve thought about condoms. I thought about condoms a lot when I was sixteen and plotting to lose my virginity and did seven loops around the Walmart as I tried to work up the courage to go through the check out with a package of Trojans that I was buying “just in case.” I wound up cleverly camouflaging the condoms with a box of Hostess Donettes and a bottle of Febreze and whistled nervously casually as the cashier rang out my purchases.

And I’ve thought about condoms every time the guy I happened to be dating, without fail, would ask me to put it on for him. Are there actually women out there who have the super power to get a condom onto a man? I am not one of them. I would fumble around and swear and then turn on the bedside lamp (and maybe put on my glasses) until he grew impatient, wondered briefly if I were mentally challenged, and finally said “Oh, I’ll just do it.” I was always left feeling embarrassed and incompetent, feelings I’m not supposed to have until after we’ve had sex.

But I never thought about condoms from the man’s perspective, i.e. that they are uncomfortable to wear. As we’ve already noted my vagina, I needed to ask a man about condoms in order to write this particular blog post. So I asked my husband and he gave me this expert opinion: “No, they are not uncomfortable to wear, unless, maybe, I dunno, you’ve got them on wrong?”

So that was the end of that blog post idea.

Bicyclists. I also thought about writing about bicyclists when I caught this video on the NY Times website.

I am a (casual) runner, and, as such, bicyclists, along with dogs and lonely neighbors looking to chat, are my sworn enemy. Being a slow white girl, my top speed is about 6 mph. If I crash into you at that speed, the most we have to worry about is the pile of papers you’re carrying fluttering high up into the air, and the two of us scurrying around to collect them from wherever they’ve scattered. Bicyclists can go about 15-20 mph and if they crash into you, they can kill you. My experience as a runner sharing the road with bicyclists is they speed around town oblivious of that fact.

Unsafe at any speed.

I don’t know if I had any other point to make about bicyclists, other than that they tend to be dicks.

Dating is a con game. Here was another idea for a blog post that came to me from a novel I was reading, Gone Girl, about a woman who disappears on her fifth wedding anniversary. Here is a quote from an interview the author, Gillian Flynn, did with Entertainment Weekly.

I’m playing with the idea of courtship as a con game: You want this other person to like you, so you’re never going to show them your worst side until it’s too late.

So dating is a con game. I guess. But then I suppose my job is also a con game, because I don’t show my worst side at work. Or with my friends. Or even in front of my cat, come to think of it.

You can see that blog post kind of disintegrated under the weight of all the cons I’ve got going on.

These were the bad ideas for blog entries I had. Hard to believe that I had worse ideas than this.

Royalty free stock photos including the images in this post can be found at Stock.XCHNG.

OK, now this gives me an idea. I have a lot of ideas in my head for blog posts…but haven’t yet done anything to put those ideas into words and hit ‘Publish’. So, maybe I’ll just put together all those ideas into one post and get done with it. :) Loved your post. Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed.

Hey, other than glad to have an interesting read, I am interested to see that I am not the only other person who hoards ideas. Though for me, if I don’t tend to start them a bit, the ideas get a bit like smoke on a windy day.
I’m now off to start a post (just start, no finishing) about where ideas come from and how they turn into articles. Thanks!

aha the condoms bit was amazing. what the fuck is up with guys and wanting to you to put the condom on for them? it’s not sexy. it ruins the moment. and it’s way more of a challenge for girls than for guys, i mean, i’m definitely the same way with the fumbling. i had an ex actually teach me how to do it properly (or however he thought was properly) by holding the little nub bit at the end and rolling downwards. it was pretty unfortunate and not sexy in the slightest. and the whole “condoms are uncomfortable and they reduce male pleasure” thing is just a lie men invented so that they could nail us without a condom. for sure it feels absolutely no different.

Oh, boy, I’m probably gonna make you scream “TMI, Karen!” but my experience as a woman is that sex for me feels way better w/o a condom than with one. So I’ll cut men some slack with their complaints about condoms because if I notice a difference, they must, don’t you think?

honestly…i don’t find it’s that different. it’s more annoying than anything (stopping in the moment to rip the package open etc) but i genuinely don’t find it makes that much of a difference. it does depend on the circumstances though. but i do see your point!

You NEED to write that post on bikers – I have the same thing happen all the time while I’m jogging. I usually advocate for bikers – I’d vote for more biking paths, try to be nice and not murder them with my car, but they keep trying to kill me while I’m jogging! And then give so much attitude, I feel like running with a stick to jam in their spokes when they pull that crap…

Part of the problem in the town where I live is that we have a ton of dedicated bicycle routes and there are a number of bike races each year, so our town is really a magnet for bicyclists. The real issue is that many bicyclists don’t know how badly they can hurt runners/pedestrians, and there needs to be more public education on this topic.

Hysterical take on condoms — I also remember being mortified to buy them when I was younger, until a (male) friend of mine noted “Hey…you’re buying them, which means you’re getting some — that should make you proud!”

Since then, I imagine myself a total sex goddess when I check out with a package of condoms. Especially if I’m buying the Costco size package of 14 cajillion.;)

Well, I bought them when I was sixteen, but I wasn’t getting any. I do get your point though–my husband feels the same way about buying tampons. He says he doesn’t mind buying tampons because it proves to the cashier that he’s involved with a woman. He seeks approval everywhere. ;)

Loved your post. Loved the wit, the choice of pictures, sectioning and pretty much everything else! But what would have been most challenging for me would be the choice of subject here–the sort of non-post if you will–a post about posts you never did. Brilliant!

I don’t think they were bad ideas at all! A lot of guys say it’s uncomfortable (but I guess they just say that to have sex without them ;)) – maybe they’re buying the wrong size! LOL Some have trouble keeping the erection when they put it on, others can’t have an orgasm with it on…I think the schools should prepare our men better in that respect. Also, it is true, they loooove asking us to put it for them, I guess they think it’s exciting :P My difficulties are twofold: 1) opening that damn pack LOL 2) finding the right side hahahahaahaha Anyway, once those 2 things are done it’s fairly easy, I’m getting the hang of it after practicing for half a dozen times :P

As for the bikes..well… I don’t know where you’re from, but in my country the government is all about this bullshit right now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m pro green, pro nature and I think humans suck for destroying the environment (and hence ourselves!), but really…you CANNOT simply tell people “hey, take your bike to go around the city!” in a huge metropolis such as the one I live in. You can’t tell people to ride bikes if you don’t give them the infrastructural conditions (such as actual tracks where you can ride them safely, and without more public transportation available, among many others), to do so. You can’t tell people to ride bikes without teaching them the most basic rules of civility (both to the car and bus drivers and to the bike riders). It’s just stupid and wrong and a form of mass murder, really. Very sad :(

You certainly are much more persistent with figuring out condoms than I ever was. I got to the point where if the next guy asked me to put it on him I was going to say, “Forget it. We’re through. I’m breaking up with you. Now get out.” ;)

Yes, I’m persistent because I saw that it really turned him on, he likes it when I’m in charge LOL!!! Now I’m almost mastering the technique…I put the condoms (yes, plural :P) in strategic places, so that if we’re not here but we’re over there there’s still one easily at hand and I don’t have to waste time looking for one. I also put scissors next to each, because even if specialists say that’s bad (you might ruin the condom by tearing it, right :P), I’m very careful when cutting the damn thing…it’s much better than spending half an hour trying to rip the package open with your hands (or teeth, once you get annoyed and frustrated :P) – that usually happens because your hands are sweaty (or slippery because of bodily fluids LOLLLL!!!). The second part, about finding out the right side before rolling it down, is also becoming easier, because it’s always the side that I don’t think is the right one :P hahaahhh

I agree with you when you say sex without condom is better – it is SOooo much better (and that sucks, right, especially for someone like me who doesn’t want babies right now). And my boyfriend thinks so too, I think the blogger who said it makes no difference to him is a very lucky man!

I laughed when you said yours isn’t a cucumber but a carrot :P But hey…better a carrot that is yummy and knows what to do than a cucumber that’s not savoury and/or hurts you ;) hahahahahahah I guess it all depends on the owner of said vegetables :P

Thanks. I have to say I was a bit puzzled when I was contacted about this post for Freshly Pressed, and I’m somewhat baffled that the good folks at WordPress have decided to categorize this post as “books.” I imagine there are a few studious, academic types who headed over here and got the shock of their lives.

And cyclists are the worst! I am also a (casual) runner as well as a constant pedestrian and fear them at all times. Seriously, get off the damn sidewalk, if you are on the road don’t bike so damn close to the curb that I get hit while waiting for the streetcar and for GODSSAKE quit whining about car drivers because you are so much worse! Whew .. sorry.. little rant :)

Putting a condom on a man is an erotic gesture. Men want their partner’s to look and admire their “man-hoods,” Yes they do. It’s a fact proven by scientists. Straddle him and put it on. Practice using a cucumber- it is easy and anyone can do it. Lubricant if you must on a “man-hood” that is ready.

It’s funny to me that as a runner, bicyclists are your sworn enemy. I guess it make sense, though – as a bicyclist, motorists are my sworn enemy! ;) I always give runners lots of room when I’m passing them, and I’m a pretty wimpy biker (speed-wise) and I pay attention, so I have a low chance of hitting sometime. We’re not all oblivious.

I’ve been doing the same exercise today: thinking of topics – interesting ones – to write about as it relates to being unemployed and finding a job. I ended up getting severely side tracked by Olympics coverage, yet again.

Thanks for the post. You are very funny. The part about the glasses cracked me up. I hope you don’t wear really thick ones. The guy might have thought you were having problems spotting the target. “Hmmmm, let’s see here now. Oh, there’s the little rascal. Hiding behind my pinkie.” Could have ruined him for life. ;)
When I get little bits like this that don’t fit a certain form, I try to store them, save them, trust that they will re-emerge for the right character, right scene.
But I did get a brainstorm on how you could combine these topics (perhaps not as brilliantly as you have here). Condoms are for dicks, bike riders ARE dicks … therefore, should all bike riders be forced to wear full body condoms? Might slow them down enough to “protect” us. :)

Oh, so funny. I think you could turn this whole idea into a regular, weekly post, “The posts I didn’t write.” I particularly like the one about bicyclists since, as a runner myself, I can relate. One almost knocked me over in a race, for crying out loud! :-)

I have SO many of these blog still borns, as you call them. I’ve thought about compiling them into one post but always thought that would look lame. You did it with ease and managed to crack me up throughout. The passage on condoms is hilarious. I love that your husband was the nail in the coffin on that one. ;-)

Not bad ideas at all! After reading this, I would love to see full posts on all of these topics.

The next time a guy asks you to put on his condom, ask him to put on your cervical cap. Wait, on second thought…

Believe it or not, guys are also embarrassed about buying condoms.
The first time I bought them, I was in the drug store for an hour trying to work up the courage.

Thank you for writing about the lowest rung of society: the bicyclists. The word that comes to mind, in addition to “oblivious,” is “entitled.” They take their anger about cars out on runners and walkers.

I keep the worst side of myself from myself, so I guess I’m a self-con.

I’m sure the video that I linked to is supposed to make you feel sympathetic for the bicyclists, but you can see what total a-holes they typically are if you watch the film. Bicyclists are like yippy little dogs picking fights with Dobermans, with automobiles being the two ton Dobermans in this metaphor.

My trick was to buy condoms/rubbers with another confusing item such as Armor All. So the lady ringing up my purchase prob thought this guy is just getting sex and then washing his car…average Friday night in the South. Nice Post

Maybe that combination of condoms and Armor All isn’t such a confusing mix after all–have you heard about this guy? I guess you don’t have to worry about pregnancy if you’re boning an automobile, so I guess the condoms would be to prevent STDs? I’m wondering what a car might have that could be catching. Is a leaky transmission contagious?

Cracking up at the “Condoms” blurb – too true – how are we supposed to freaking know?! Ahhhh, thanks for sharing – if there are more never-born-blog ideas running through that head of yours, please share! Can’t wait to read more, and congrats on being FP!

Thanks! I’m having the most insane weekend, attending my sister’s wedding, which entails spending time with my own crazy relatives and meeting a whole new set of crazy relatives on the groom’s side, and in between it all, trying to keep up with comments here, because I do so appreciate them all.

I think you are the second person in the comments to mention wielding a pair of scissors in order to defeat condom packaging! I don’t know, I think most men would get a little nervous if a woman whips out a pair of scissors at that, um, critical moment.

I have often thought to myself “I bet my keys are in the pocket of the shorts I had on last night.” And most of the time, they are. But other times, they are sitting nearby, which makes them quite easy to find, until the Easter Ferret comes to vacuum the afterglow.

I did like it, though I think it went on a little long at 800+ pp, and could have used some judicious editing. I’m not a Stephen King fan, I think this the second book of his I’ve read (I gave up reading the Shining in junior high when I found myself afraid to turn to the next page). Alternate history fiction is favorite of mine, though.

Con game? As if being an unmarried, still-looking-for-love but suspicious-by-nature person isn’t enough. Now Gillian Flynn has got me all hyperventilating with her wisdom! As if the dating world isn’t scary enough already! ;-)

BTW, I’ve read the first few chapters of her Gone Girl and it’s pretty good so far.

Don’t you hate that, though? I swear, every time I get on the bus, I have a brilliant idea for a blog that I email to myself with the tag “WRITE THIS NOW,” and yet, I get home and all I can come up with is a paragraph about cheesecake.

Maybe a paragraph is all that needs to be said about cheesecakes (or condoms, or dating, or bicyclists)! I really wish I was a little less long winded. I can’t quite wrap my head around the “Brevity is the soul of wit” concept so I tend to drone on and on, but it is something I’m working on.

An amusing post. I especially connected to the part about fumbling with your glasses during sex. Now that I’ve had cataract surgery with intraocular lens implants and can see perfectly for the first time in my life, I’m too old to worry about stuff like that anymore.

I too have hung my head with condom shame…and admire your bravery for reaching for your glasses. I’m thinking that just as we women must bear the burden of putting the contraceptive pill into our mouths, then men must learn to put the damn things on themselves!

In regards to the condoms, and the dating con game.. it’s a question of perspective, and where you lay within it. There’s no one I know that likes a condom, and I think that’s the problem.. no one wants to deal with it, so when you do it’s bound to not work. When it comes to work or dating, or whichever “you’re being judged” position you’re in, you have a best face for it.. The person we put out there, is a mixture of our surroundings with our own personal spice.