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I would argue that the problem is not a “consumerific” society or even a generation obsessed with choices, but something deeper, less obvious. When you think about it all the faults and criticisms that one can and will find in a potential mate and conversely all of the requirements and characteristics that one requires for “love” really what we are seeing displayed is control. He is not tall enough, she was too tall, he was not smart enough, she was too smug, shy, aggressive! The ironic thing is that really we don’t actually know what we want until we find it … it’s the finding that is the hard part.

I recently graduated from a private liberal arts school in NE. It was the perfect breeding ground for romance; everyone was smart, athletic, wealthy, and BEAUTIFUL. No really, you have never seen so many tall, blond, beautiful people in your life. But there were very few real relationships amongst these beautiful people. Why? Because very few people were actually willing to be real. There was a “perception” of what it meant to be a college student; what one should say, wear, eat; how one should act, talk, dance, and date. Students spent so much time trying to fit into a “concept” of the immaculate student, that their image slowly but surely masked who they really were. Here in lies my point, how does one find love, or any sort of companion when they are hiding behind an image?

If you extend this notion and consider that maybe people in the “real world” aren’t all that real what becomes apparent is a catch-22 of dating. It is not impossible to entertain the notion that people in DC may not be all they claim. That guy who works on the hill for the congressman, he might just be the photocopy boy. That girl who works for LMI, she might just be a data cruncher…. This is where the “finding” becomes so difficult, it is easy to point out a persons faults, but it is very difficult to see all their redeemable traits, especially if all they are willing to show is a two dimensional image.

I sat across from this boy, as we chatted and sipped over-priced coffee. He was explaining something to me, more like lecturing me, as he made the declaration that “he didn’t have any insecurities.” As I sat there and nodded, I thought to myself, “I can’t believe that he just said that with a straight face!” This was the same boy who had on previous occasions taken almost everything that I said as a personal attach or insult. I couldn’t even talk about the quarterback of his football team without him taking offense. I encounter people all the time who are not only addicted to an image, but are so consumed by there image that they are not even honest with themselves.

As we struggle through our twenties to figure out who we are, and be okay and happy with what we find, the toughest critic that we have to face is our own ego. If we can’t be honest with ourselves, whom can we be honest with? Can we be honest at all? “Finding” love is not only a function of finding that “right” person, but having the courage and security to let down your guard, give up control, and face the fact that no one is perfect!

Jacob Grier is a freelance writer, bartender, cocktail consultant, and magician in Portland, Oregon. He writes, eats, and drinks a lot. His articles have appeared in the print or online editions of The Washington Post, The Atlantic, The Daily Beast, The Los Angeles Times, Reason, The Oregonian, and other publications. His book on beer cocktails, Cocktails on Tap, is forthcoming from Stewart, Tabori, and Chang in 2015. [Photo by David L. Reamer.]