Here is an abbrieviated
version of our "must-see" attractions for Portland.
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you are interested in buying the full Monk List for this city please
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BISTRO MONTAGE
301 SE Morrison Street
503-234-1324

Ask a savvy stranger, "what’s the most happening late night place to eat
in Portland?", and he or she will unequivocally answer, “Montage.” And
that it is (mainly for lack of competition). On your first visit you will love it.
It is set in a moody somewhat industrial locale that looks forlorn in a 40’s
film noir way (which is a trite analogy, since as Gus Vant Sant well
documents, this whole rainy town looks noirish most of the time). The
scene inside Montage is in complete contrast to the empty and almost
quiet street scene outside. You definitely feel like you are entering an
oasis, a hidden club of hipsters. But because it’s Portland, because the
town is fundamentally nice and egalitarian, there’s no bullshit attitude.
Everyone is welcome to the party. And, let me tell you, every weekend
night it feels like a party. The reasons are many--the space is large, the
ceilings are high, the food prices are cheap, the clientele are mostly under
30, and many are tied into the burgeoning music scene. It’s on the second
and third visits that the drawbacks of Montage become apparent. First,
the menu never changes. And unless you like SPICY Southern/Cajun
cuisine (minus some of the better New Orleans-style dishes), you are
going to get bored with this food real fast. Secondly, the waiters regularly
shout out orders of oyster shooters. At first this adds to the loud festive
beer hall atmosphere, but on repeat visits it actually comes across as not
only disturbing, but pretentious (a defect that always sticks out like a
large facial birthmark in this occasionally dorky metropolis). Third, it’s dirty.
The dark lighting covers up this fact, but an inspection of the kitchen, the
floor, the cooks, the tables, the waiters will lead you to confirm our
conclusion. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with “grunge”--it literally comes
from Portland (as Kurt Cobain said in his seminal Monk Magazine
interview), we’re just no longer willing to eat amidst it. Besides, we
preferred the original and much more intimate Bistro Montage, where
you could get Mac and Cheese for an astonishing $1.50, and where the
non-descript thrown-together quality of the place made it feel like
somebody’s storefront apartment. Still, Montage makes our list, because
for late night dining, there is literally nothing this happening in the entire
Northwest.

Over 2700 pounds of melted chocolate cascade down a sculpted marble
and bronze structure. We found it a bit grotesque (Willie Wonka this is
not), but beguiling nonetheless. Designed by Marc Accuardi of Old Town
Pizza, and engineered by Dale Fuhr, this muddy waterfall felt more
industrial than magical. Though in the way it artfully splatters against the
marble wall on its 21-foot dark descent, one could call it rather abstract
expressionist.

FLASHER STATUE
Near the NE corner of 5th and Washington
Downtown

Officially known as "Kvinneakt," and unleashed to the world in 1977 by
sculptor Norman Taylor, this is the best-looking girl in Portland. Her
stunning eyes and voluptuous figure will tell you that. It's not
surprising--given that "the cult of the stripper" seems to rule here--she is
flashing us. What is surprising is that the U.S. Department of
Transportation funded the project. Mention that next time you're
arrested traveling nude on Tri-Met. Factoids: 1. this is the sculpture
former Mayor Bud Clark exposed himself to for the "Expose Yourself to
Art" poster several years back. 2. The bronze elk, just up from 4th and
Main, ranks a close second in terms of aesthetic appeal, reflecting, like a
lot of Portland public art, the literal nature of the area. 3. Portland is the
only city in the U.S. with a flasher statue.

THE GROTTO
Corner of N.E. 85th and Sandy Blvd
503-254-7371

The National Sanctuary of Our Sorrowful Mother. Father Cornelius
Monlux and Right Reverend McMickle escorted us to what is probably
the true spiritual highlight of Portland. From the actual grotto featuring a
white marble replica of Michelangelo’s Pieta, to the wooded Sanctuary on
top, this is a beautiful place to find peace, repose and maybe some action
from one of the Servite monastics. Be sure you take the elevator to the
top, where you can walk the stations of the cross, then look out to Mt.
Saint Helens from the brown comfy chairs in The Marilyn Moyer
Meditation Room, where you can drop water balloons on the
congregation celebrating mass in the grotto below.

MISSION THEATER & PUB
1624 NW Glisan
503-223-4031

Former longshoreman's meeting hall turned into a McMenamin
cinema-pub. When it first opened the men’s room had 15 urinals and 12
stalls, and the women’s room had one toilet. That was quickly rectified,
though the original light fixtures from the longshoremen days remain.
Movies are a buck. You can buy pizza, popcorn and other food in lobby.
And the big kicker--Beer! In any other city, the combination of booze
and
cinema would be a recipe for riot. In laid back Portland, it works fine. Not
surprisingly, the concept is being duplicated all over town. As in the
McMenamin's Bagdad Theater and Pub
(3710 SE Hawthorne Blvd. 503-230-0895), a restored Moorish wonder in
Near Southeast. It's the Hollywood Theatre’s twin cousin, with the same
concept, same ownership as Mission Pub but in a far more ornate
setting. Every other row of seats has been stripped away allowing for
plenty of leg room and a place to set your pizza and beer. The program
consists of second run features and the occasional indie or art house
flick. Given the South East crowd, there's plenty of interactivity between
floor and the silver screen.

POWELL'S CITY OF BOOKS
701 SW 10th Ave
503-228-1108

A Portland institution, and without question the great book-related
success story in this town, with its astounding selection (over 1 million
volumes--soon to expand again), world-class author series (The Monks
have read here), and funky downscale charm. It says a lot about
Portland that the place one is most likely to run into a friend or
compelling member of the opposite sex is perusing the aisles at Powell's.

RIMSKY KORSICOFFEE HOUSE
707 SE 12th Ave.
503-232-2640

A very clever coffeehouse, featuring mystery tables, classical music (a
welcome departure), innovative beverage and dessert names (try a cup
of Cafe Borgia with a slice of Dancing Wu Li Cake) and an “underwater”
bathroom shrine to the late Erik Satie. Set in an out-of-the-way mansion
on a residential block, Rimsky prides itself on no promotion and no
advertising, and the steady crowds during its rather limited hours (6-12
weeknights, 6-1 weekends) indicates the strategy is working. However,
beware the snooty help, which borders on snide.

UNIVERSAL CHURCH O' FUN/WOODSTOCK MYSTERY
HOLE
503-775-7909

You want fun? This, folks, is fun. In fact, it’s owned and operated by the
Universal Church O’ Fun, home of the Tunnel People. Their motto-- “eat,
fuck, tunnel.” Let the good-natured Pastor Barron lead you through his
backyard Amusement Park, featuring The Stupefying Double-wide
Stairway to the Upthere™, the vaunted Mystery Hedge (for Passing of
the Water rites) and, of course, The “World Famous” Woodstock
Mystery Hole™, where “the more you dig, the more tunnel you find.” The
delightful Pastor Barron is squarely in the Northwest tradition of friendly
goofballs. And the Woodstock Mystery Hole is without question the
greatest underground landmark in all of Portland. On his magical mystery
hole tour Barron leads you down into a big dark well, pointing out strange
“scientific” phenomenon along the way--including the fact that as we
descend, the ladder gets smaller. Deep down inside, as one is filled with
the Enchanting Vapors of Encouragement™, the gentle Pastor intones
that “the hole was always here, I just had to remove the dirt”--a patently
obvious truism that still has the ring of genius. Inscribed on the walls in
strange hieroglyphics is the hidden history of P-Town: the story of Tom
Peterson, the truth about Tonya Harding, even the preordained arrival of
The Monks. The gospel (or “hot dogma”) of this church is Fun (“Have
Fun, Make Fun, Be Fun”). The whimsical Pastor, who moonlights as a
popular substitute teacher, has even written a booklet entitled The Way
of Fun, which he offers free to all who enter his sanctuary. But The
Universal Church O’ Fun is by no means a mockery of organized religion.
As Barron carefully notes, “when I was young and foolish, I made fun of
religion, and I realized that that’s not right at all. So I decided to make a
religion of fun. I was looking for a force that would unite people, instead of
being divisive. It seemed to me that fun is that unifying force.” Amen. As
The Way of Fun explains, “Before you can even begin to understand the
blessings of Fun, you must have some.”

This one-of-a-kind museum inside a vacuum cleaner store showcases 86
rare suction devices including the Electro-Sweep, Cinderella, and The
Haley’s Comet, which comes with a little jingle under its lid--“The Age of
Space, the Rocket Race, push-button leisure day. Be the first to clean
your jet-set home the Haley’s comet way."

WORLD'S SMALLEST DEDICATED PARK
Front and Taylor
Downtown

24-inch Mill Ends Park sits on the median strip at Front Avenue and
Taylor Street. It got its start as a hole for a utility pole, but local journalist
Dick Fagan got tired of seeing the empty hole below his office window
and planted flowers in it instead. It is the alleged home to leprechaun
Patrick O’Toole and the site of many weddings.