A study — oh goody! — hot and fresh and maybe gooey out of the University of Chicago's social sciences oven has revealed, in so many words, that sex is becoming obsolete. That's right — a whole generation of young people are, rather than co-mingling their various mucuses, plugging themselves into the cavernous echo chamber that is social media because social media's seductiveness is, quite simply, more powerful than sex.

At least, that's what seven consecutive days and interviews with 250 undergraduate participants suggested to researchers, who found that, though the urge to have sex is stronger, people are more likely to succumb to the urge to float around on the social media lazy river by checking Twitter and Facebook, the two most alluring internet sirens around. This weakness for social media, explained Hofstra University professor Jamie Cohen, has a lot to do with how easy and accessible social media is. "If you had a window in your house," said Cohen, "imagine just never trying to look out of it. So they feel it's there, they have to look at it." Metaphor received, processed, and appreciated, Professor — social media is just always around, down to eyefuck anyone with a reliable internet connection.

The study also found that the more people tried to ignore the buzz of a social media gadfly, the stronger the urge to swat it became, because even the mere thought that any of us could be missing someone's "Making chocolate chip Eggos, then gonna watch Deadwood straight thru in my underpants" status update is simply maddening.