I GET LETTERS: You know, I don't have to like the show EVERY week. Some
people thought I came down too hard on RAW for not having enough wrestling
last week. Here's my favourite one:
...why do you get so pissed off about the program sit down and relax
and watch RAW with an open mind.
Here's my professional retort: Yeah, right, whatever. When you put money
in my pocket I'll listen to you. Just kidding. Sort of.
To this week:
We open with a shot of a door with "MR. McMAHON" tagged to it. Then we
see STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN trying to break in. Apparently, he wants to
talk to him.
TV-PG-V: One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Closed captioned logo and opening credits.
It's 17.8.98 and it's RAW! This week emanating from
Fireworks! Signs! En espanol sea disponible!
AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" fires up which can only mean I'm on a highway to
hell. No, it means a hearse is slowly backing into the arena. That must
mean the Undertaker's driving, yeah? Then why am I hearing that
breaking glass? Why, it's STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN come to confuse us all.
Removing a casket from the hearse, he opens it and removes a Coors Light
(I back this hearse into the arena and you give me LIGHT beer?) and chugs
away on top of the hearse. Hey, Steve, now THAT'S a cold one! Any more
puns...nah. Austin makes his way to the ring and tells Vince McMahon he
has sixty seconds to hit the ring or he'll drink the other 23 beers he's
keeping in the cooler. PAT PATTERSON walks out and Steve is so SMART, he
tells him he isn't Vince. GERALD BRISCO and COMMISSIONER SLAUGHTER are
close behind. Of course, this IS segment one, so VINCENT K. finds it in
his heart to put in an appearance along with the other three men. Mr.
McMahon will appear live on an AOL chat Thursday at 5 (8 if you're on that
other coast). Austin accuses Vince of being happy because he and
Undertaker are no longer tag team champions. Vince says "not
really....not really" and Austin says "full of crap." Austin goes on to
say "don't trust anybody" and "sorry sun of a bitch" and "ass" and "ass"
and "ass." Upshot is he's going to have a confrontation with the
Undertaker tonight and Vince better stay out of the way.
Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler, who provide commentary. Lawler
promises to have the President later in the show.
KING KEN SHAMROCK v. DAN SEVERN (with his mouthpiece) v. WHINY BITCH OWEN
HART (with the Nation, minus the Godfather) in a Triple Threat Match - you
can tell Ross' commentary is live because he makes about five
unintentional mistakes in the span of Severn's entrance. As we have a
staredown, let's take the first ad break.
The highway to hell countdown is at *2* weeks! Are these promos getting
more detailed or what? Still, that Stri-Dex box looks strangely out of
place...
Owen immediately takes down Shamrock as a boatload of WWF officials shoo
away the Rock, D'Lo, and Mizark. While Owen basically has his way with
Shamrock (and a loud "Nugget" chant ensues - or is it just on tape?),
Severn stands in a corner and studiously watches. We learn that at
SummerSlam, Shamrock and Owen will fight in a "Lion's Den" match - the
Lion's Den apparently being a nine foot pit (or something) that will be
located in the closed-circuit theatre right next door to MSG. It's STILL
Owen and Shamrock. Severn is content to discuss the latest Clinton news
with referee "Blind" Earl Hebner. Later tonight, a DX/Nation streetfight,
a Sable/Jacqueline arm wrestling match (which Ross refers to two MORE
times as a Sable/Luna match). Shamrock has a comeback, culminating in a
belly-to-belly on Hart. 1, 2, Severn pulls off Shamrock. Shamrock makes
a funny face and turns to Severn - but before he can strike, Owen is back
up to suplex him. Owen back to the attack. A Sharpshooter attempt is
powered away. Shamrock to an armbar, and then the anklelock. Time for
Severn to make his move, placing Shamrock in his own version of the Dragon
sleeper, which the commentators call a "chokehold." The ref never signals
for the bell, but apparently Shamrock passes out, giving Severn the win.
(KO 4:40). While Severn continues to keep the chokehold on, Hart puts the
boots to Shamrock. Another ref is out to stop Severn - no dice. Let's
bring some more refs out - nope. Now STEVE BLACKMAN is out, and Severn
finally releases the hold. Then Severn puts the choke on Blackman. Yeah!
Hart and Severn work over Blackman for a bit. You know it's bad out
there, they've got TONY GAREA and "BLIND" DAVE HEBNER out, for crying out
loud. Severn and Hart raise arms in victory, and slap 5s as they walk
away. Coming to, Shamrock "snaps" and the officials scatter. Seeing
Blackman, he ... nope, he doesn't take out Blackman. That would have been
cool, too, have both guys turn on Blackman. "Hey, I came out here to SAVE
your sorry ass." Shamrock is ready to "take fifty pounds off
[Slaughter's] ass." Well, SOMEBODY is going to get Shamrock on their ass.
Let's take a break.
WWF War Zone is out for the N64! 'cause Stone Cold said so! Or
something.
Let us take you back to Moments Ago. Why? We just seen it. Even MY
short memory hadn't forgotten this. Although seeing Blackman get choked
out is still pretty funny. I guess we're going to have a tag team war now
- Severn & Hart vs. Shamrock & Blackman. Maybe next week?
GODFATHER (with three hos) v. BART "LEFTY" GUNN (with no hos) in a
BRAWLforALL Semifinal - Lawler talks to "the President" via phone, funny
but that doesn't REALLY sound like the president. Clips from last night's
Sunday Night Heat show the Godfather and Gunn having a tet a tet while
Gunn was supposed to be fighting Vader, and while Godfather was supposed
to be commentating. WWF.com provides a tale of the tape which is
interesting. This match is ALMOST interesting. First round has Bart
trying for a takedown, which doesn't work. That manages to eat up the
first half of the round. Both men land a fair number of punches, but we
all know if it's close, they'll give it to Whitey, so Bart's up 5-0 in the
official scoring. The second round starts with a good Godfather punch
landing, and Bart trying for the takedown again, and failing. Godfather
takes Bart to the corner and punches away, but referee Jack Doane breaks
'em up. Bart catches fire in the last fifteen secdons, punching at will,
and actually getting a knockdown with :01 to go. This puts Bart up 20-0.
Good replay of the left that knocked him down. Godfather is surprised
that they counted the knockdown. Third round has Godfather trying hard to
come back and making a game of it, but unfortunately, he left himself open
for a looping right that landed right on the chin. Timber! (3rd round
KO). Bart managed to win it on his own - somebody forgot to tell him they
would have rigged it for him anyway (I only say that because it makes some
of you REALLY mad, haha). Bart has some words for Jim Ross again and Ross
admits that he's earning some respect.
We see some doors, where Undertaker should be entering later. Then we see
Blackman & Shamrock throwing a tantrum, breaking lots of stuff, and
looking for Severn & Hart.
Shot of Gangrel. He's NEXT! I hope he doesn't drink that blood again...
Stri-Dex brings you SummerSlam!
MICHAEL KING COLE announces that Owen Hart's special trainer for the
Lion's Den match will be Dan Severn. After the next match, we get to see
Cole again (yay!) with Shamrock & Blackman, where they'll presumably kick
his ass.
GANGREL v. TOO SEXY BRIAN CHRISTOPHER (with Scott Too Hot Taylor, no
entrance) - Gangrel comes up through a burning ring of fire (eat your
heart out, Johnny Cash) and has some fangs, and drinks some sort of red
stuff from a goblet - am I just an old fogey here or is anyone else
bothered by this kind of display? Clip from last night's Sunday Night
Heat match shows Gangrel's rather sweet DDT on Scott Taylor. Hey, look,
there's EDGE! Taylor distracts Gangrel so Christopher can get the quick
upperhand - Gangrel no-sells a bulldog and then punches and hits a
double-underhook into a powerbomb for 2. That DDT is quickly hit again
for the pin. (1:03) Gangrel makes a scary face. That DDT is like a
front chancery, up into the air for the opponent and down on his head.
Yeah.
Michael King Cole interviews Shamrock who gives an "intense" interview and
then chases Cole away. Then he and Blackman break some stuff.
Michael King Cole intereviews D-GENERATION X about the upcoming Street
Fight with the Nation. Before anybody answers a question, MARK HENRY, THE
ROCK, and D'LO BROWN show up and the Street Fight breaks out backstage.
Somebody ought to keep Cole away from everybody - carnage seems to break
out wherever the man goes.
DISCIPLES OF APOCALYPSE (with Paul Ellering & Those Beautiful Titan Bikes)
v. SCORPIO & FAAROOQ (no entrance) - we are distracted from this match by
another phone interview with "the PRESIDENT" who says something about "Mr.
One Eye" and some other stuff which isn't terribly funny anyway. The
street fight is going on in the back, but there isn't a working camera
back there, apparently. Just seems like they're looking for any excuse
not to deal with THIS match, which is too bad, because Scorpio's doing
quite nicely, thank you. By the way, Paul Ellering is at ringside - why's
he back again? The twins take control with some underhanded tactics which
manage to distract Faarooq enough to distract the ref. Because this match
is apparently too boring, we get that backstage camera working again and
switch back there to see Helmsley and the Rock battling - and nearing the
curtain. Scorpio, on the outside, takes a clothesline from Ellering.
Another shot of the street fight and they're just about out to the
entrance way. Hot tag to Faarooq! Faarooq is on fire! (I didn't say
that.) And now here's DX and the NATION. Tag to Scorpio, firebird
splash! Whoops, referee "Blind" Mike Ciota has turned to the street fight
happening outside and doesn't see Scorpio making a pinfall attmept. This
means the Ellering manages to pull off the switch and DOA ends the
undefeated streak of Faarooq & Scorpio with a pin at somewhere around
(4:35). DX and the Nation are FINALLY separated, so they can have their
entrances and REALLY have the match when we come back.
Stone Cold Bonz T-shirt ad.
We look at those doors again - nope, no Undertaker.
D-GENERATION X v. THE NATION in a Street Fight (come as you are, bring
weapons) - Helmsley says "Are you ready..." and as the Rock, D'Lo and
Mizark come out, we flip over to the War Zone (TV-PG-V). The Godfather is
still feeling the effects of his manly ass-whoopin' at the hands of
Billy's brother - hmmm. Boy oh boy, I LOVE me some garbage can shots! I
guess I should also mention Chyna's not out for this match. Ross says
"we're not havin' a debate here." Garbage can shots aplenty. Garbage can
lid shots aplenty. Baking sheets which seem SLIGHTLY thicker than those
aluminum things we usually get in a Public Enema match - not that this
match is any better than one of those WCW streetfights. You know, street
fights suck. The Rock hits the People's Elbow on the Road Dog (why not?)
but the count is stopped when Billy Gunn takes a metal something and hits
the Rock with it. Gunn goes on to piledrive the Rock on the baking sheet.
Hey, here's JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET come out for no good reason - oh,
because he's facing X-Pac at SummerSlam, so he's gonna dish out some
punishment on X-Pac early. X-Pac gets the better of that exchange,
though, foiling his plans. Here's SOUTHERN JUSTICE to swing the pendulum
back to Jarrett - who manages to remove a lock of X-Pac's hair. Manwhile,
IN the ring, Helmsley goes down to the Rock Bottom (which I am supposed to
call a "uranage" but won't) and, as Southern Justice has temporarily
removed the Outlaws from the picture, the three men of the Nation continue
to take out Helmsley (who bleeds! gosh!), culminating in a whip into a
ladder face-first, a ladder to the gut, and finally a slam of the ladder
onto Helmsley. Oh, did I mention the Nation brought a ladder? Helmsley
is laid out under the ladder. I missed the pin but the Rock's music
plays so I guess the Nation won. Gunn is bleeding too! Medic! ('bout
6:40)
WWF SummerSlam "Highway to Hell" promo. Austin and Undertaker are walking
that road.
Let Us Take You Back to During the Break - Chyna and James help Helmsley
to the back.
RAW is brought to you by the JVC Kaboom!box, Burst gum, and M&M's. The
closed captioning is brought to you by 10-10-321 (you can write me all you
want, but I STILL think it's funny when a hearing-impaired service is
provided by a hearing-required service!)
TIGER ALI SINGH is out to offer an American money to do something
disgusting. Apparently his servant ABU (whom I will dub
with the last name NAHASAPEETAPETALAM) has been working out all day (to
the Sultan's music, yet!) and didn't get a chance to shower. Somebody
will get $500 to lick Abu's feet. At this time, I wish I *did* live on
the East Coast so I could watch live Clinton coverage. Of course, the fan
does it and gets the cash. Lawler seems to be having a vicious flashback
to his "kiss my foot" match, although Ross misses on the obvious chance to
tweak the King.
Sable is stretching...because you NEED to stretch before EVERY
arm-wrestling match!
WWF War Zone for the N64 ad.
Stri-Dex Triple Action features Sable interfering all over the place in
last week's Luna/Jacqueline match, culminating in Luna's splash for the
pin.
Sable is STILL stretching. Let Us Take You Back to last night's Sunday
Night Heat where Jacqueline and Sable trade Jerry Springer lines and
Jackie challenges Sable to an arm-wrestling match for tonight. Sable will
drop the bomb on Jacqueline, yeah. Winner gets the bikini contest trophy.
(THE LOVELY) SABLE (with Big Ass Trophy and without the Oddities) v.
JACQUELINE (without Marvy Marc Mero) - We learn that friends of the
Oddities, Insane Clown Posse, will be performing at SummerSlam. Sable
talks (ugh). Typical arm wrestling format - Jackie stalls anad won't grip
at first. Terribly forced pendulum action as we start. Oh, this tension
is unbearable. Finally Jacqueline says "heck with this" and shoves the
table into Sable (hey, that rhymes!). Then she takes the trophy - and
breaks it over Sable. Wow! MARVY MARC MERO comes out - but the ODDITIES
are behind, so Mero and Jackie scurry out through the crowd. Luna is
crying - when did *she* become such a wuss, anyway? Replay seems to show
that the trophy was really made of styrofoam - probably not what they
wanted to have me believe.
Michael King Cole is backstage to interview VAL VENIS. If he runs the
gauntlet with Kaientai tonight, he gets five minutes with Yamaguchi-San.
Venis says "cut off at the head."
Also tonight, more faux-Clinton! Whee!
It's Droz's World - where tatoos rule.
We look out the door - and still don't see the Undertaker.
DARREN DROZDOV v. (justin "hawk") BRADSHAW in a BRAWLforALL semifinal -
Let me go on the record and predict another bullshit victory for Bradshaw,
simply because it would be more impressive to put Gunn over Bradshaw,
besides it preserves the traditional face/heel match. Another nice
WWF.com Tale of the Tape - check out that website sometime. Bradshaw
manages to make it through the first round without trying for a cheesy
takedown. Failry even round but the replays are all Bradshaw and besides,
they WANT Bradshaw to win, so he gets the unofficial 5. Droz manages to
land some big blows in round two, and also seems to get a takedown -
amazingly, the ref gives it to him. Unofficial scoring has it 10-5, which
is bullshit, but about what I expected. Round three has Droz going for a
takedown and not getting it. Bradshaw finally goes for a takedown and
fails to break. Fairly even third round which means the fix is in and
they'll give it to Bradshaw. Sure enough, he's announced as the winner
and the look on Droz' face says "I *knew* it was fixed." But hopefully,
this means that Bart will wipe the floor with Bradshaw next week (live, by
the way).
Replay of Gunn's KO just for good measure.
Let Us Take A Special Look at Al Snow and his Head. He's on his way back
to the World Wrestling Federation, yeah! Interview cut from a local
tavern shows that the Head is drunk. Lawler hopes that Snow and the Head
"don't show up in Philadelphia next Monday..."
Shot backstage at the door - the cameraman's left, he got so bored staring
at the doors, he put his camera down and walked away. Or maybe he got
knocked over by somebody entering the building...? No, I guess not, Ross
or Lawler would have speculated that for me.
Another backstage shot shows Sable walking with purpose towards the
entranceway.
DUSTIN RUNNELLS speaks: "You know the Bible says your body is a temple.
And as a result, we should be careful what we put into it. Why then would
you want to poison your mind? Well, here's an idea for you. Instead of
watching this next segment of the War Zone, try curling up with a good
book. Something like "Oliver Twist," or "Ivanhoe," or my personal
favourite - the New Testament. You'll be glad you did, because He IS
coming back. May God bless you all." The preceding was sponsored by
The Evangelists Against Television, Movies & Entertainment. (Yes, I see
the acronym. But that doesn't mean I have to mention it. Must I beat you
over the head with EVERYTHING?)
SABLE's back out to the ring. "Jackie, you bitch! Get your ass out here
'cause you and me are gonna fight!" "Sorry ho, I wasn't born yesterday.
Me and my man would NOT walk into a trap. I know those freaks are hanging
around..." Jackie challenges Sable to pick a partner and take on Mero &
Jacqueline at SummerSlam. Suddenly, the ODDITIES appear and bust up the
Brown Bomber and the Marvelous One. The camera falls to the floor.
Michael King Cole stands outside a door. Amazingly, nothing is broken.
WWF SummerSlam "Highway to Hell" promo. Again. It's gonna be rated
TV-14!
VAL VENIS (with a pink Super Soaker filled with - I won't speculate) v.
KAIENTAI in a Gauntlet match - "Hello, ladies! You know something, you
can forget about trying to blackmail the big Valbowski, because even
though I'm not a screamer, unlike you, Bill, after I've left my mark, I
always Shout it out!" If you don't get it, I ain't explainin' it.
COMMISSIONER SLAUGHTER is out to prevent extraneous Kaientai involvement,
keeping the remaining four at the top of the ramp.
TEOH is first, and walks to the ring making the "choppy-choppy your
peepee" hand motion. Teoh has a good start but Venis is a heavyweight,
see, so...fisherman's suplex for the pin (1:11)
FUNAKI runs into a powerslam and a cradle and gets pinned in about (:15).
TOGO gets in a good few moves, so Lawler has enough time to talk to "the
PRESIDENT" on the phone one more time. Big powerbomb and Togo amazingly
manages to kick out at two. faux-Clinton threatens to put in an
appearance next week on RAW. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Venis, and then
a Stun Gun. Another powerbomb and Togo has to sell it like he's dead for
about fifteen seconds so Val can climb the ropes and deliver the money
shot for the pin. (2:50)
TAKA MICHINOKU is the final link in this chain - the anchor in the
gauntlet. Venis hits a belly-to-back suplex and it looks like he'll get
his five minutes with Yamaguchi-San after all. Taka ducks a cross body
and Venis is on the outside. Taka with a plancha from the top turnbuckle
to the floor! Hmm, it's two to the hour...Taka trying to suplex Venis in,
Venis punches away and Taka reels. Venis in, Taka ducks the clothesline
but eats the elbow. Powerslam by Val for 2. Elbow to the back, boot to
the head. Double underhook suplex for 2. Taka manages to put up a boot,
then duck an attempt in the corner. Taka tries for the Michinoku driver
but Venis reverses for a slam. Elbow from the top rope misses, though,
and the Michinoku driver IS hit for the pin. (3:30) Taka's music plays.
MRS. YAMAGUCHI is out with her husband now (she's Taka's sister, by the
way) and while Kaientai put the boots to Venis, she's getting in the ring.
And now she gets to SLAP Venis. That's it...no, wait, Venis is going for
his Love Gun - and sprays everybody in the ring. "He stained her dress!"
jokes abound. Are we DONE yet?
Let us take you back to Earlier Tonight, where Steve Austin promises to
stuff Undertaker in the hearse.
Bong...bong...THE UNDERTAKER'S music plays but he's not at the entrance
way. He's appeared at the ringsteps and raises his arms so the lights can
go on. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN prefers the traditional walk to the ring.
It's 2 or 3 after the hour, by the way. Undertaker is wearing his bishop
costume - oh, so it can hide the fact that he's KANE. The ringposts are
ablaze, and Austin sees an Undertaker outfit but a Kane mask. Kane takes
Austin apart. But Austin fights back. Thesz press! Right hands! Right
hands! Right hands! Kane is knocked outside and the fight continues on
the outside. Now they're in the crowd - making their way to the hearse.
Austin gets control by the time they're actually AT the hearse - and
shoves Kane in the back. He gets to the front - but the door is locked.
And there's somebody in the front seat - THE UNDERTAKER! The hearse
drives away - Undertaker and Kane together again...or are they?
Who cares?
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
chris@kzim.com
Miss a week? Check out the CRZ Archives at
http://www.aimnet.com/~kzim/ - Just look for the WM logo!