I just read the chapter in your book about
talking to kids about sex but I need to know some
things. Next month I am expecting a new baby. This
does give me a perfect opportunity to talk about
sex with my sons who will be 7, 8 and 9 years old
within 3 weeks of my due date. My question is can I
explain everything to them in the same way? Or
should it be different and not so detailed for my
youngest than for my oldest? The only question
asked so far is my middle son wanted to know where
the baby comes out. My other question is what if I
am explaining something about masturbation or oral
sex and they ask if I do it or like to do it. What
should I say? I don't want to tell them the details
of my sex life with their father and I'm not sure
he'd like that either. Thank you for your time.

Mother Hubbard

Dear Ma,

Congratulations! Three boys in three years must
have been an extreme physical challenge. And this
time around, I suspect you might be hoping for a
girl!

If the new baby is a girl, this would be most
helpful in explaining the differences between boys'
and girls' plumbing. Plus, it would give your boys
plenty of time for each to ask in his own way.

I can't give you a set answer for what to
explain to each boy, as the seven-year-old might be
more precocious than the nine-year-old! Much
depends on their personalities and level of sexual
curiosity. One might be very curious, another not
curious at all. So you'll need to play it by
ear.

If the baby is a girl, you can explain to your
sons that her genitals are called a vulva, and you
can also name her clitoris and the opening of her
vagina. This seems to be a much more civilized
approach then calling her genitals her "pee area",
or worse yet, referring to them as an extension of
her bottom. Mind you, I'm sure to get angry letters
from the rear-end lovers who will say I'm inferring
that there's something unappealing about the human
bottom.

Even if your boys see you naked, they're going
to get a much closer look at female genitals when
you are changing the baby with her legs wide open
than they would from seeing you without your
clothes on, or at least I hope that's true. So this
is a fine time to help them learn about and respect
female genitals.

If the baby is a boy, you can use diaper
changing to open conversations about balls and
penises. You can say something like, "I don't think
his penis gets hard yet, but I'll bet yours
does..." If the son you are talking to gets shy or
bashful at this point, you can simply say, "Well
daddy's sure gets hard; all boy's penises get hard.
They even have a special word for it when it gets
hard." You can also use this as an opportunity to
say, "Do you know what the new baby would look like
between the legs if he were a girl?" This would be
a good time to show them a book like "It's
Perfectly Normal" by Robie H. Harris (1994,
Candlewick Press: Cambridge, MA).

As for masturbation, you can explain that "it's
when you rub your penis in a way that feels really
good". It would be nice if their father could say
to the boys, "I started to masturbate when I was a
boy. It felt great then and still does!" On the
other hand, he might not feel comfortable saying
this, but such an admission on his part would help
your sons feel more comfortable talking with the
two of you about sex. That way, you might be the
ones they turn to for information about sex rather
than their friends.

If you don't want to answer directly about your
own masturbation, it never hurts to give a big
wonderful smile and say, "Let's just say I think a
lot of grown women enjoy doing it, just like a lot
of grown men do." If they push the issue further
than that, I think Mother Nature gave you the
perfect out by making most children ticklish. When
you've had enough, you can always start chasing
them and tickling them. It seems to be a fine way
to say "Enough!" without making them feel bad about
their curiosity.

I wouldn't explain oral sex at these ages unless
your kids listen to the nightly news and start to
ask. I would pay attention to the conversations
your boys have with each other and with their
friends. If you hear references to oral sex, then
it's time to explain. By the time they are in the
sixth or seventh grade, you'll need to explain what
oral sex is in addition to intercourse and hand
jobs, and hope your sons get a lot more of the
latter instead of intercourse at least until they
are eighteen. Also, if you need to explain oral sex
when they are younger, consider saying, "It may
seem kind of gross right now, but it's one of those
things you might like when you get older."

The birth of a new baby opens all sorts of doors
and possibilities for talking about sex in a way
that is natural and uncontrived. Your sons are
lucky that you are concerned about this.

Also, what I've written are simply ideas to help
jump start your own thinking. There are no perfect
answers. You know your boys, your husband and
yourself far better than I, and only you can
determine what's best.