Thursday, August 18, 2011

I'm moving my blog to tumblr. Why? I don't know. It's like when the Colts went to Indianapolis from Baltimore. It seemed like it was the start of a whole new thing, then they realized it was like the Baltimore of the midwest.

Monday, May 16, 2011

I'm not afraid to say it. I beat kids. I enjoy taking a bunch of kids and beating the Cystic Fibrosis out of them.

Many of you will recall that around this time every year, I participate in a walk to benefit research for Cystic Fibrosis (CF). And each year, I invite you to help me kick the everloving sh*t out of this disease that affects 30,000 people in this country, many of them children. And one of them is my nephew.

Here's what I'm offering: You donate, I inflict punishment on CF.

> For $25, I'll assault CF with harsh insults, mostly about how Cystic Fibrosis sounds like a terrorist name.

> For $50, I'll approach CF from behind, tap it on the shoulder, then when it turns around, slap it across the face like an bad actress.

> For $75, I'll straight up kick it in the nuts.

> For $100, I'll bomb CF's facebook page with posts from fake admirers, then when it tries to click on the users' names, I'll sneak up behind it and kick it in the nuts.

> For donations of over $100, you call the shot. Want me to invade CF's dreams á lá Nightmare On Elm Street? Get Dick Cheney to shoot it in the face? Make it watch a Vin Diesel Movie? Consider it done.

After the walk this Saturday, May 21 is over, I want CF badly beaten, clinging to life, thoroughly humiliated and on its way to years of therapy.

All of this sound mean? Excessive? The way I see it, any disease that messes with my three year old nephew is gonna get what's coming to it.

(To prove I'm not really angry or violent, here's last year's invite, which I'm told was read by hundreds and enjoyed by dozens.)

PS: As a father, I know just how unfunny abuse is. Not that I've tried it. I just know that it wouldn't be funny if I did. But I figured since CF abuses kids, CF deserves a little abuse. In the form of painstaking research aimed at weakening its sorry ass.

Monday, February 7, 2011

“Read the Review of This Review’s Review in Tomorrow’s Reviewer’s Review!”

Thanks for tuning in, ad connoisseurs. If you’re like me, you’re tired. You want a nap, but not until you’ve thoroughly scrutinized every last marketing effort from the world’s biggest annual effort in marketing, the “Super Bowl” of Ads, if you will. (Surely I’ve made that joke before. Sigh…)

On an unrelated side note, I watched Glee for the first time last night. I didn’t mean to. It just sort of happened. The show came on after the Super Bowl, and well, one thing led to another. I’ve thought about it, and decided I’m going to tell my wife. She deserves to know.

Anyway, damned if we didn’t have another really good Super Bowl football contest this year. Am I right? The Pack, or as it’s pronounced in Wisconsin, The Pyack, triumphed with a stellar performance by a quarterback resembling a young Brett Favre’s penis.

And on the ad front, an encouraging trend: good car ads. No, seriously. Read on and see if you don’t agree. (Follow along here.)

The Winners:

Volkswagen – “The Force” was such a disarmingly funny spot. A kid dressed as Darth Vader tries to use “the force” to affect household objects, unsuccessfully until Dad uses his remote to start the car in the driveway. Nothing that probably hasn’t been done before, but it was just a really charming, skillfully told story, executed well. Probably the best spot of the whole game.

Chrysler – America loves an underdog. And Detroit is America’s underest dog ever. So, congrats to the team who produced this spot. Even with the ubiquitously antagonistic Eminem batting cleanup, Chrysler’s tour of the Motor City was a tour de force.

Chevy – The Chevy spot that stood out for me was “Tommy” (which might’ve been called “Lassie”). Surprised I haven’t seen someone try this angle before, it worked so well for a auto commercial.

NFL – Best. Fans. Ever. Yeah, you get to be on the winners list, NFL, even though you lose points for excessive borrowed interest. The spot is just a series of old scenes from everyone’s favorite TV shows (Seinfeld, Happy Days, Family Guy, Brady Bunch, etc.) with the characters getting ready to watch football. But, I can’t deny a simple idea executed well, even if they didn’t technically write a spot.

Carmax – One winner and one loser lands you in the “also-rans”. The “Kid in a Candy Store” spot was pretty great, while the “Gas Station” execution blew what could’ve been a funny idea.

Audi – I wanted to put “Luxury Prison” on the winners list, but in the end it was just trying too hard and had a disappointing payoff. The Kenny G bit was funny though.

The Losers:

Cars.com – Talking cars are only funny when… they’re funny. And like talking babies (you’ll notice I didn’t even mention E*Trade this year), you just can’t write your way out of a cliché. Which is apparently why the writer didn’t even try.

Snickers – Not a “bad” spot here, but you lose so many points by trying to rehash an idea in a lame sequel. Betty White & Abe Vigoda were much more worthy references than Richard Lewis (who was he again?) & Roseanne Barr.

Hyundai – In this spot filled with antiquated televisions, cameras and flying machines, Jeff Bridges asks us, “What if we always settled for the first thing that came along?” Well, I think we have our answer, since the creatives responsible for this spot seem to have settled for the first tepid idea they came up with.

Bud Light – “Here we go” America, directly 18th in Reading, 22nd in Science and to 28th in Math. That’s right. I’m blaming Bud Light ads for our nation’s intellectual decline. Think it’s a stretch? Watch the “Dogsitter” spot again. And it was the #1 rated commercial of the game, according to the USA Today Ad Meter!

- - -

That’s why next year, I’m emigrating the DASBAA north of the border to cover the most scintillating ads of the Grey Cup (The Canadian Football League’s championship game)! Hilarious depictions of bikinied girls tossing ice-cold Molson Lagers into an unsuspecting Jim Carrey’s crotch (not to worry eh, he’s covered by universal health care) as the Barenaked Ladies cover Rush’s “By-Tor and the Snow Dog”, don’t you know!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Here are the odds and ends for the year in music that was 2010. A few salutes, a couple middle fingers, and a big ol' Happy New Year from all of me at mclunch would like to have a word with you. Here's to hoping 2011 can live up to it's predecessor.

Breakout Artist of 2010:

J Roddy Walston & the Business

You expected Mumford & Sons, perhaps?

Flop of 2010:

M.I.A., Maya

Maya wins out over STP because she's, well, relevant. STP's new album (below) is a pile of 90s grunge. But they're a 90s grunge band. M.I.A.'s album is pretty offensively bad, and she's a talented artist. Like, now.

Other candidates:

Stone Temple Pilots, Stone Temple Pilots

Hooray for grunge! Am I right folks?

MGMT, Congratulations

I get it. MGMT didn't want to be pigeonholed as a fun, dance band. But the thing is, that's precisely what I liked about the amazing Oracular Spectacular. It was fun and you could dance to it. When you remove those two things, you get... well, this album.

Interpol, Interpol

I love Interpol. They're not here because their latest (and apparently last) album is that bad, but because it's the way they wanted to leave things. It's like if Seinfeld did a three-hour stand-up set and brought down the house. Then he told the standing ovation-giving crowd one last thing: "Be sure to use condoms because you don't want to get AIDS. Goodnight!"

Kings of Leon, Come Around Sundown

All pigeon poop joking aside, this is not a shitty album. It it's not even bad. I determined this by listening to these tracks mixed in with the rest of their catalogue, and the mix held up as a whole. The only real difference is the production value. Sundown is the musical equivalent of Avatar, so much production overshadowing any substance, passion or "true rock moments". So it isn't a bad album. It just happens to be KoL's worst. But for me, the whole album was saved by the last 10 seconds of "No Money". When I heard that little flourish, I heard Kings of Leon.

Instrumental Track of 2010:

"Fot I Hose" by Casiokids, Topp Stemning På Lokal Bar

After glancing at the song and album name by this Norwegian outfit, it was a huge relief that this is an instrumental track. It's part reckless road trip anthem and part 8-bit Nintendo theme, but with the pace and fine-tuning worthy of fellow Scandinavians The Hives.

Oddball Track of 2010:

"When the Levee Breaks" by Bonerama, Hard Times

Pretty cool rendition of the Zeppelin tune. Pretty meaningful too, since these guys are from New Orleans, and they recorded this as a tribute to the city. But c'mon guys. Bonerama? That's your band's name?

A close second goes to:

(pick any song) by Dirty Projectors + Björk, Mount Wittenberg Orca

Cover of 2010:

"One More Try" by GAYNGS (feat. Har Mar Superstar), One More Try (single)

It takes balls to release a single covering one of George Michael's gayest songs, especially when "GAY" is right there in your band name. But if there's anyone with balls enough to simultaneously conquer and embrace this challenge, it's Har Mar Superstar. And GAYNGS, the cross-pollenated indie collective, treat this truly classic tune with genuine care, and without an ounce of irony. Ballsy move, guys.

Other candidates:

"When the Levee Breaks" by Bonerama, Hard Times

"No One's Gonna Love You" by Cee Lo Green, The Lady Killer

Beautiful cover of a Band of Horses mainstay.

Best Sexual Innuendo of 2010:

"Used to Did" by J Roddy Walston & the Business, J Roddy Walston & the Business

("How bout this / Give us a kiss, uh-huh / I got this gun / And girl, it don't miss / It makes babies / It makes that rock n' roll")

Worst Sexual Innuendo of 2010:

"Mi Amigo" by Kings of Leon, Come Around Sundown

("I've got a friend / Tells me to get up again / Showers me in bruises / Tells me I got a big ol' dick / And she wants my ass home")

New To Me in 2010 (tracks I missed in '09):

"Julia" by The Very Best, Warm Heart of Africa

Amazing afro-pop (with real Africans!) with a twisting vocal harmony to die for and a beat to dance for.

"Ruby" by Dave Rawlings Maching, A Friend of a Friend

Know who would've been proud of this tune? America (the band), Neil Young, and America (the country).

My favorite song from last year. It's exactly what every rapper tries to do and ultimately fails at: dropping their beat carefully around a classic song without ruining the intent of that song. This is an absolutely perfect remix. Such a pleasure to listen to. Hopefully Ms. Cline would agree.

Revisits of 2010 (albums & songs that just felt good again):

Paul Simon, Graceland

Always great, but this album felt even more relevant after Vampire Weekend sorta kinda stole the hook.

Bob Dylan, Highway 61 Revisited

I revisited Highway 61 Revisited this year. The songs cut like a knife, and the message feels like it could've been written this year. Or any election year.

Some bands' real talent lies not in the music itself (and that's okay), but in their expression of it, and how that expression makes people feel. OK Go is not the best pop band today. Not even close (and that's okay). But they are one of the most memorable and easily one of the most likable. And this is an impressive video with no budget.

Totally bizarre video directed by the talented Malloys, who I had the pleasure of working with on a commercial last year. Jake Gyllenhaal and Joe Jonas play tennis drunk and stuck up, respectively, while RZA referees and Lil' Jon coaches (in French). What fun!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Again, an uneven number here. So sue me. Actually, don't. Just read these, and think to yourself, "Damn, I love music. Even if I don't agree with this list of best albums, which is just one man's opinion after all, and made painstakingly and carefully, each choice with a clear rationale, there's no reason for me to be upset at his choices, even if they're not the top 13 I'd choose... damn, I still love music."

Top 13 Albums of the 2010:

13) J Roddy Walston & the Business, J Roddy Walston & the Business

One or two (or if you're me, four or five) standout tracks do not a great record make. But while Rod's self-titled album will not go down as a classic as an album, this collection of world-conquering-blues-rock-ballistic-missles is truly remarkable. So it's in 13th, okay?

12) Kanye West, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Kanye has done an amazing job focusing on his art as his public image nosedives. One of the most hated recording artists does in the studio what he could never do spontaneously: keep it real. He exposes himself as a terrible person, a cheater and a bad singer, all to create a deeply personal and beautiful record about, well, an artist creating art. Nice work, asshole.

11) Robert Randolph & the Family Band, We Walk This Road

These guys just edged out Cee Lo for the most likable band on this list. They're a real family, you see. And unlike the collection of catchy songs that was 2006's Colorblind, this feels like a fully-formed album, each track superglued to the ones before and after it. The segues are a smart touch too.

10) Cee Lo Green, The Lady Killer

"Fuck You" is such a powerful single, there's a danger it could've overshadowed any other songs on the album. And while there isn't another "Fuck You" on this record, it's a marvelous hip hop/soul package. And Cee Lo spreads the love like so much butter on his already rotund catalogue with each delightfully danceable number, "Fool For You" and "No One's Gonna Love You", a Band of Horses cover, in particular. In other news, Danger Mouse has signaled he isn't quite ready to get Gnarls Barkley back together. And really, what's the rush?

9) Arcade Fire, The Suburbs

I can't illuminate any more the creativity, skill, promise or Canadian-ness Arcade Fire has brought us with this album. The greatness of The Suburbs has been well documented. But... Remember the first time you saw their web video thing for "We Used To Wait"? First there was just one window, then bam! bam! bam! there were like ten! Man, that was rad, right? In conclusion, great album. Probably deserved better than #9. But no, I'm not moving it.

8) Surfer Blood, Astro Coast

Initially dismissed by my weary ears as just another of the soulless lo-fi punk records that've been raining down lately (see Wavves, Vivian Girls, Times New Viking, et al), this album has since become a not-so-guilty pleasure of mine. I turn to it anytime I want heart-thumping, apparently genuine California surf-rock. Not since The Beach Boys have I seen a band stick to their theme so well. Surfing. It isn't just a texture upon which their rock music is laid. No, no, no. Pretty much every song is about moving to the west coast, ridin' waves, avoiding sharks and the like. Even the album cover stays frighteningly true. And I for one have come around.

7) Broken Bells, Broken Bells

We all waited in anticipation as Danger Mouse left Cee Lo Green for former Shins vocalist James Mercer. Green recovered just fine as a Lady Killer, and with the Bells, DM got to explore some deeper themes. Mercer, meanwhile, finally got some much needed backbone, after being left for dead, repeating on Natalie Portman's Discman™ from Garden State. This album soothes as it cools, reminding us that we can still dance in this cold, cold world. The good news? DM and Mercer announced they'll team up for another album soon.

6) Yeasayer, Odd Blood

I don't know if I've seen a band take such a hard left turn from one album to the next with such enthusiasm and success, and without seeming to notice the change. It would be interesting to see fans of All Hour Cymbals who hadn't heard this album yet show up to a concert. The expressions on their faces would tell the whole story: "Oh shit. I'm at the wrong show. I knew I should've waited to get stoned. Who are these guys? They're amazing."

5) Junip, Fields

How this album didn't finish toward the top of the big lists I just can't figure. Spin, was it too subtle? NPR's All Songs Considered, was it too immature? Pitchfork, too mature? All I can say is it was dead-on for me. Sweetly sublime, like a wet breeze through pine needles, on a day you wore a parka when a cardigan would've sufficed, but you know deep down it's better to be too warm than too cold this time of year. Yeah, that's the stuff.

4) The Black Keys, Brothers

Right from the get go, Brothers explodes, detonating the eardrum the same way The Big Come Up muscled its way into the ear canal eight years ago, refusing to budge. The latest Keys release feels like a unique experience, separate from other albums, yet inextricably linked to the overall catalogue. Brothers, this is the blues rock standard to which all contemporaries will be held.

3) Ben Sollee & Daniel Martin Moore, Dear Companion

There's something deeply troubling about Kid Rock's music being identified as "All-American". The same way a Sarah Palin tweet is troubling. But to find

true All-American musicians, we need only peer at

Sollee and Moore. They demonstrate a clear respect for this country's roots in folk, country and blues music, and with a little help from producer Jim James, rock n' roll.

2) Gorillaz, Plastic Beach

I feel like Damon Albarn just wanted to see if his band could put together a winner even after starting with a bizarre thud: an opening 20 seconds in which Snoop (sigh, nice to see you again D-O-double-jizzle, how's PepsiCo treating you?) mutters the band's name, then his own nickname, then inexplicably the name of a cult-classic film from the 60s ("Gorillaz and the Boss Dawg / Planet of the Apes"). But Gorillaz did create a winner. An A-list cast of featured performers (yes, even Snoop) once again added their accents to the growing paragraph from one of hip-hop's most fascinating ensembles.

1) Spoon, Transference

Front to back. Top to bottom. Impreccabe. (Impressively impeccable? Hello?) No other release this year, for me, had so few holes in it, so little room for improvement. This album has the depth Dark Side of the Moon, the precision of In Rainbows, with the energy of London Calling. Or something like that. It's none of those albums of course, but it's an outstanding record, eminently listenable, smooth, surprising, powerful, challenging, possibly cancer-curing, expertly crafted from both 40,000ft and under a microscope, and my pick for effort of the year.