Dead Sea

Hard to not be a fan of water-based horror movies. The ocean, as it turns out, is full of awesome life-hurting creatures, like Dinocrocs and Sharktopuses, all designed to make you ruin your bathing suit. So it is with great anticipation I look forward to Dead Sea, arriving on the outdated DVD platform April 15, 2014.

OK, so everything about Dead Sea seems generic, from the title (how about H2O-Noooo!?), to the DVD cover art (yet another chick in a bikini moments prior to being devoured – see Piranha 3D/ 2010 and spin around from there), the kicker line: “It’s Feeding Time” (how about: “You’ll Wet Yourself”?), to the plot: “A marine biologist is thrust into the violent paranoia surrounding a town preparing for the return of a legendary serpentine creature.” All “meh” stuff. But c’mon – sea monster!

But judging by Dead Sea’s art, the monster’s mouth (at least I hope that’s its mouth) looks suspiciously similar to the alienoctopus creature(s) in the hysterically cool Grabbers (2012), in which a coastal Irish fishing village defends themselves from sea monsters by getting as drunk as possible. (The creatures react to booze like vampires do to garlic. They must be from Utah.)

A great primer for multi-tentacled mega creatures of the deep is 1954’s 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, based on a novel (book with extra pages) by sci-fi fantasy author Jules Verne and adapted by Disney™, a corporation long known as being a monsterfactory.

Anyway, regardless of Dead Sea’s perceived shortcomings, I will dive headfirst into this ocean of terror – and this time I might even wear someone’s swim suit.