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Wayne Doesn’t Have Your Cell Phone!

Wayne Dobson and Sprint, the cell phone provider, both have a problem. Sprint’s problem is technical, but Wayne’s is personal — and getting downright serious.

The saga began two years ago for the 59-year-old north Las Vegas man when a couple showed up at his door late one night demanding he return their lost cell phone. They had used its built-in GPS tracking device to narrow its location to Wayne’s house. He assured them he didn’t have their phone. They didn’t believe it, because the technology said it had to be there!

That scene has now been played out over 100 times — and things have gotten nasty.

“It’s very difficult to say ‘I don’t have your phone’ in any other way than ‘I don’t have your phone!’” Dobson told reporters.

But people just won’t believe him, not when their computers and tablets tell them their lost or stolen phones are in his house. The problem was traced to an unusual glitch in software, which Sprint apparently has been unable — or unwilling — to correct.

It’s gotten potentially deadly serious, too. Four times, police have been dispatched to his house on disturbance and fight calls when their locations were “pinpointed” by cell phone GPS signals. Wayne shouted through a window at a prowler one night and was blinded by an officer’s flashlight. He had been sneaking up, checking on a domestic violence “in progress” call.

There’s a sign by Wayne’s door now telling people he doesn’t have their cell phones. So far, it’s not working very well. He has moved his bed close to his front door, so he won’t have to walk so far. “Traffic is heaviest,” he fumed, “on weekend nights.” In an ironic twist, Wayne doesn’t even have a cell phone.
“I don’t care about these technology pets they have,” he said.

Junk In The Trunk

Why doesn’t the waddle match? That’s what happened when a cop saw 21-year-old Eric King waddling across the parking lot of a store in Eagan, Minn.

Apparently, it wasn’t the size of King’s behind that pinged the officer’s radar, but the fact that King’s behind jiggle wasn’t naturally synchronized with his waddle. At the risk of making an embarrassing inquiry, the cop investigated. King had shoplifted a 19-inch TV and stuffed it down his pants.

Too Dumb For A Life Of Crime

Brianna Priddy, a waitress in Lakewood, Colo., lost her wallet while out for an evening with friends. Loss of credit cards, driver’s license and cash can be a major pain, and to add to it, her bank advised her that someone was writing bad checks on her account. She did what she could to stop the damage, and of course, kept working.

Two weeks went by, and one evening a party of four entered the Applebee’s restaurant where she worked and ordered drinks. She asked for proof of their ages, and a young woman handed over her driver’s license. Yes, hers; it was Brianna’s missing license. She kept her cool though, assuring them she would be back shortly with their drinks. Then she called the police.

The woman was arrested on charges of theft, criminal impersonation and then drug offenses as dope was found in her possession. And the best part? The unnamed suspect was 26 years old. Had she presented her own ID, she would have gotten her margarita — and gotten away.

Be The First Kid On Your Block To Have One!

Yes, it’s true: if you act quickly, you could be the only kid on your block to have your very own projectile-vomiting robot! True, that’s “Vomiting Larry’s” only trick — he can’t even walk or speak — but how many people’s robots can puke on demand, hurling almost any sputum solution you can formulate, repeatedly for at least 50 “blarfs,” with a 10-foot spew range?

Larry was developed for the government Health and Safety Lab in Derbyshire, United Kingdom. Researchers there were studying contagion dynamics of norovirus, an illness which causes uncontrollable vomiting and is primarily spread by “aerosolized vomitus,” aka puke spray. Researchers decided they needed to know the range, coverage area and other factors of projectile vomiting, but they quickly learned using human test subjects tended to be erratic, frightfully messy and foul smelling. It was described as “perfectly horrid.”

So now they’ve got “Vomiting Larry,” who pukes exactly when, where and at any angle you like. They fill his tank with water and a fluorescent liquid. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? Or, you can substitute your favorite soup, like split pea or menudo. Believe me, this is what you want on your porch next Halloween! But only if you’re moving out early on November 1!
By Commander Gilmore