jumping into the blogging world - 2 feet first, eyes wide shut!
Mostly I want a medium to talk (to myself or other people) about my addiction to food. I'm about to embark on a journey through Overeaters Anonymous - I also want a way to keep a commentary as I struggle to find the way to a healthier me.

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Saturday, October 30, 2010

I thought I was going to lose it yesterday and this morning - it's been the hardest struggle yet. I'm tired - I've had a cold for several weeks now, just low grade cough, chest congestion. This week it got worse - I'm not sleeping well so I'm exhausted all. the. time. I took it easy on working out this week hoping that some extra rest would help but it's not helping AND I'm not going to meet my OctoberFAST goals - it's close, but the swim and run are both going to be short. I'm not beating myself up over it so that's a relief.

I ate reasonably today - and cooked - which always helps! I had an egg white scramble this morning and a protein bar between workouts. And now I've got taco soup in the crockpot just waiting for hubby to get home. There's leftover corn bread too but I didn't like the couple bites I took yesterday so only 'soup' it is (it's a taco meat chili more or less...).

Lots to stress about around here - my kids' dad is coming to WA to visit them. He's never done that. He's barely seen either one of them at ALL over the last 10 years. When he left, he moved to Florida. I flew the kids there twice in the first 2 years and since then he's made almost no effort to see them. His girlfriend's family is from Central Washington so they came here to go camping several years ago and at my urging he made the 'effort' to drive a couple hours to come pick up his kids. They spent a week camping with a million other people. This summer I DEMANDED he fly them to Florida to see him - so he bought one plane ticket....and chose to fly his son only. *eye roll*
Anyway - he's coming to WA to see his kids for a week. I'm stressed about it. I hate him with a depth that is indescribable. Not for what he did to me - eh, whatever, I'm free of him - but he disappoints MY KIDS on a daily basis. For that I wish him, well, just gone. I wish he would just...go. *sigh* Not very Christian of me. He's getting his reward - he's missed out on 10 amazing years of their lives. I get to see them every day, watch them grow, talk to them, hear about school and friends and work and sports - I get to be there when they fall down, hold out a hand to help them up. He doesn't. And that's worse than death in my book. So I guess I should feel like karma has been here already.
But dealing with him - in regards to the kids and what's best for them - it's stressing me out tremendously. And I'm pissed that it has that kind of power over me. I KNOW that he'll keep them up too late, get them to school late, allow their homework to slip, and let them watch more TV in one week than they've EVER watched in their lives. I'd bet money that he'll take them to a movie I don't approve of (I still pay close attention to their movie/TV/Internet activities - it's my job!). I know they'll eat nothing but crap food the whole week and spend more time as couch potatoes at his hotel then they ever spend in a year at home.
I also know it's only a week. I know - only 7 days. It won't kill them. But it's killing me none the less.

My children deserve so much better than anything he has to offer. And they deserve to be treated as worthy humans and not as inconvenient. They deserve MORE than anything their dad can give them. Effort - if he at least showed effort I'd feel a little better about this visit. But this visit is my doing - I've demanded it. It's 10 years over due. And I do it FOR my kids. he doesn't do ANYTHING for anyone.

Ok. I'll stop now. But for those of you who are so inclined, please say a little prayer that this one week isn't the WORST for my kids and that I survive it without running him over with my car...twice. And for the record - if I DO run him over, I swear it was an accident, the accelerator stuck. Really.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Must be PMS - but everything is calling my name. Work was hard - but I made it. Grocery shopping was hard - but I made it. Dinner was good and now I'm snacking on a few almonds - but I'm making it!!

Tomorrow is boot camp and a long bike ride - the bike ride will put me at goal for my OctoberFAST challenge and I'll need to get a good swim in as well. Starting Monday, after OctoberFAST, I will be reducing my training schedule. The frequency will be less and the distances just slightly longer. I'm having a hard time committing to the frequency - but the distances are all manageble. So I'm changing it up a little. I'm still planning on a half ironman next summer so the training is still neccassary.

Food wise I'm struggling a little - I've got cravings, if you can call it that...I really want candy and junk. It's been life saving to be abstaining from them. My brain has been pulling out the old tricks...you can have just one...you can stop after one...you've been training/working hard, you deserve at least one...

Knowing I can't have ANY keeps me on top of it. It's hard. All the thoughts and the urges - but I really appreciate that I can stick to the abstinence. I feel a success every time I avoid the foods I've quit. Today's been the hardest in a long time though.

My weigh in was this morning - I'm down to 193.0 - down .08 which is awesome!! One interesting side note to the avoiding foods is that the focus on the numbers is much less, it's down every week so far for the GAG2010 challenge which is awesome but my mood is not directly tied to the up and down. It's been such a feeling of freedom!

Left to go (for this weekend!)
Swim - 6900 yards (doable if I can breathe tomorrow and Sunday)
Bike: 16.14 (this will get done in tomorrow's bike ride with the bike club)
Run: 10.89 - I've been struggling with being motivated to run outside of M/W - so doable but will have to push myself out the door tomorrow and Sunday

Next is the Go The Distance Challenge for October
Goal is 50 miles
Total so far: 39.11 (78% done!)
again, just over 10 miles left to run - it's going to be a matter of motivation. I've been exhausted and sick so running outside hasn't appealed to me at all and it's been easy to slack off.

I'm psyched with this - but again, my focus has been shifting to my eating habits.

In other news - we're going to VEGAS this week - a chance to run outside in warm weather on new (and flat) routes! We're going for a trade show and one of the shows is 11 miles of walking to see all the vendors - it's going to be a good workout. Now if I can keep my food and eating under control, it should be good! I'm kind of looking forward to the challenge - is that wrong?!

Ok, time to hit the couch, watch some TV and fall asleep. Tomorrow is boot camp, bike ride, a run and maybe a swim.

Today is our annual Halloween chili cookoff. I've been helping set it up. Which is fine except - I'm hungry.

Not physically hungry. Maybe a little physically hungry - but emotionally I want to start eating now and not stop until 5pm. There's chips and chili and cornbread and candy corn. Taffy too! And I've walked past the bowl of candy no less than a dozen times and I'm on the verge of duct taping my arms to my side. They seem to reach out to the bowl on their very own - as if possessed!
Hey - maybe that's it!! I'm haunted by my 300 pound former self! Is anyone here an exorcist - I need one STAT!!

Ok. Here's the deal. I brought my good ol' Turkey Chili as an entry. I know it's healthy. I know the calories. And I know it's tasty. So I'll stick with that. And water. My bottle of water should weight my arm down enough to avoid the candy corn. Have I mentioned that Candy Corn is my Kryptonite? I've avoided it in the stores - I can't eat what I don't buy - but now it's here!! At work!! And Free!!

Ok. Back to the plan - turkey chili, water, and maybe I should go buy some gum so my mouth will be occupied?

I've got a plan. I'll report back tonight. Along with Friday weigh in and Challenge updates!!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

My husband can cook. I've seen him!! And he cooked for himself before I met him...

So, tonight, when I was on my way home, we talked on the phone about dinner possibilities. I mentioned some hamburger than needed cooked and walked him through how to defrost it in the microwave.

So for the rest of the ride home I'm day dreaming of hamburger and a few finger potatoes broiled with seasoning salt....yum!! I've just run almost 6 miles and I'm hungry!

I arrive home as he's putting the defrosted and crumbled hamburger in a fry pan. Not the patties on the George Forman as I was envisioning...but I'm not cooking so I'm not putting my opinion in there. I settle in on my computer, start checking out blogs, and then duck back into the kitchen to refill my water bottle.

He hands me my dinner plate: about 2oz of hamburger and some peas....I moan about the small hamburger portion and he mysteriously comments "you need to try it first - tried something new"

I sniff at it trying to figure out what he put in it - I know my cupboards and frankly we're a little low on everything so I was curious what he scrounged up. It smelled familiar but I couldn't place it. I raised an eyebrow (ok - both - I haven't master the single-brow-lift much to my frustration!) and asked him "what IS it?"

His answer?

Cinnamon.

WTF over??

2 bites and I was convinced. It's as weird tasting as it sounds. So I'm eating peanut butter toast for dinner. blarg.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

so yesterday I got the message loud and clear. So here it is 3:30 in the afternoon, I'm only JUST getting out of bed, emailed work about a sick day this morning, and generally not feeling great. So...I'll catch up on blogs while listening to Hulu - right? :)

I'm a little frustrated by internet filters at work - during slow times I can read other blogs but I can't comment - for some reason, commenting is blocked. Now I have to figure out how to "bookmark" the ones I want to comment on from home! Suggestions??

Meanwhile, I've been blogging extensively about my training - but not so much about my food issues - which are still alive and well. Some things I'm doing well on - candy's tempting but not overwhelmingly so, I've turned to almonds for a quick snack vs. a bag of chips. A reasonable alternative in my book. Sugar is ok - I'm still struggling with how to replace the "you deserve a treat" thoughts that hit me quite often. Artificial sugar defeats the purpose of abstaining - so sugar free alternatives are out.
My goal is to take the emotional emphasis OFF of food, not find food substitutes. Does that make sense? Most people I explain it to are a little befuddled by the concept. Is alcohol-free beer ok for alcoholics? Not in my book - am I being unreasonable?

I still have a hard time walking through a grocery store and feel overwhelmed at times with urges for halloween candy. It's not always bad - but sometimes I really am *this close* to throwing the towel in. I know it gets better and that keeps me plugging along. I've done this before - it's been 6 years (give or take - I don't keep track anymore) since I've had cola or caffeine of any type. I'm not even remotely tempted. Not even a sip. So I KNOW it can be done.

I've been fighting it. And winning - so far. Nov 1 is coming up - that marks 3 months no candy, 2 months no chips, and 1 month no sugar treats (I still have natural sugar and instant oatmeal - otherwise no sugar).

In training news - I'm thinking about creating a new training plan. I'm having trouble finding the time for my Over the Top plan. I made it with aggressive training in mind. But I'm feeling like a failure for not completing all the training. In reality I'm doing really well. But watching as some of my scheduled training doesn't happen because of regular every day life - it feels like failure. So I need to adjust. For comparison, I'm training roughly 2+ hours a day. Somedays more than 3. But it's not always 100% effort because I'm tired or distracted. So my reasoning (rationalization?) is that if I schedule less training but give it 100%, it will be as - if not more - effective.

I'm super excited because hubby and I are taking a vacation - that will throw a crimp present a whole new set of challenges. Our hotel room has amenities and I'll be packing snacks (we're going to a trade show - I'm sure there won't be any healthy food there!!). There won't be the opportunity to swim but I can get in some nice long runs and I believe there's a workout room at the hotel. Now to prioritize it. Maybe make a special "vacation work out plan" so that I have something realistic to stick to. And some meal planning - new microwave receipes maybe? Either way I plan on enjoying Vegas and still staying on plan!!

Monday, October 25, 2010

That's not the saying exactly but that's what I've been trying to do. I'm teetering on the edge of a nasty chest cold. Tonight's run I finally raised the white flag and walked the 3 miles instead of running 7 as planned. I'm learning how to be more flexible. Slowly. I'm so determined in everything I do that it's hard to accept anything less than 100%. Even at a steep cost. So, tonight I walked. And now I'm going to slice up an apple, shut off the computer, and probably fall asleep before 9pm. A full three hours earlier than normal. But tomorrow is boot camp...if I don't roll over and go back to sleep.

This was a big week for totals - especially the bike. My training plan is broken into weekly goals:
Base - which is maintaining my endurance
Build - building endurance
Recovery - also exactly what it sounds like

This week was a build week so the distances were a little longer. This week is the same. So baring burnout, injury or acts of nature, I will make all my OctoberFAST goals!! I'm super excited for this because, honestly, when I set them and looked at the numbers, it seemed pretty unlikely. But I'm not someone to shy away from challenges (um - have you been READING my blog - I'm all about setting out to do the impossible). But I'm my own biggest skeptic - but that's changing, slowly.

I'm happy with that - with all the working out - adding bootcamp and working on core muscles, I suspect that I'm dropping fat and replacing it with muscle. I know that this month has been the biggest changes in terms of body shape - pictures will be taken on Friday for monthly comparison. Measurements too!
Mostly I'm excited because even on "heavy days", I don't see a 2 in front of my weight anymore. And I've got 18x right around the corner!!
More exciting than that is that I'm starting to focus on the training, the health, and the nutrition part of working out more than the numbers on the scale. Not seeing a loss in the morning doesn't ruin my day anymore. There's less ritual involved - I still weigh naked and with an empty bladder but I don't shift around on the scale to see if the location of my feet can shave another .2 off the number, most mornings I barely remember what the number the day before read, and I'm more focused on the numbers to the left of the decimal than to the right. 194.8 and 194.2 are equal in my brain. I don't obsess.
This is huge. And liberating.

Today's agenda: Church, swimming, running, cooking. I'm going to make a few staples for the house and also menu plan for the week. Last night I cooked a little extra to start off my lunches for work. It's one area can really improve in - I've been buying my lunches which, while still making healthy choices, causes stress for me because there's too much freedom that comes with that daily choice. I feel so much more in control when I bring my lunch. I know it's healthy, I know I don't have the make a difficult choice, and usually I make really delicious food so I look forward to lunch instead of semi-dreading it.

I also need to set up an area where my workout stuff goes so that it's easier to be organized. I'm tired of having to search for pants, shoes, socks, helmet, waterbottle, suit, towel, goggles....the list goes on and on. So today I make an area just for my workout stuff. And I spend less time searching, more time...well, NOT searching!!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Too much to do.
Too much to think about.
Too much to plan.
Too much working out.

I'm tired. Tired of thinking, planning, doing, working out. I'm tired of fighting my brain over stupid stuff: Ice Cream is NOT ok. I do NOT deserve a treat right now.

Today's plan was: bootcamp, bike ride, swimming. Sounds like a normal day in my life. More or less.

Where I went wrong: got out the door late (you try loading a bike into a tiny VW before you're awake!), didn't have time to grab some breakfast, realized I forgot gloves so I texted my husband to meet me after bootcamp and before bike ride with them. Did bootcamp - have been trying to ramp it up a little and mximize the benfit. Went out to car after to head to bike meet up (group ride with local bike shop - I was finally going to be on TIME with a bike that WORKED!). Got a text from hubby - he's at the wrong meeting point with my gloves! He's close to the bike shop/meetup point so I meet him there. Pump up my tires, buy a water bottle (something ELSE I forgot this morning), and finally headed out for a long and hilly bike ride.

*side story*
This part of my day was great - I was slow and there was one of the guys nice enough to stick with me and give me pointers, and for that I'm grateful. I was thrilled to finally be out ON the bike and training. I made it up a couple of really tough hills with an outloud mantra of :

I'm strong

I'm able

I'm strong

I'm able

Total ride distance was 20 or so miles - top speed was 49 mph!!! WOOHOO

*end side story*

After the bike ride, I hurried home, took a hot bath (I still had goosebumps after 45 minutes including a 20 minute warm car ride!!) and sat down to some food (finally!!). 2 eggs and toast later, I felt a little better. But now I still had a swim on the training schedule. Packed, fed, and ready - I walked down to the pool.

I worked on drills a little (I've been watching some good swim videos) and was working towards my 26 laps (not many, just a 'medium' swim) but was losing steam. ﻿at 20 laps, I climbed out of the pool and hit the hot tub.

It was too much. 1:00pm and I was done. I need a nap, some more food (no - really, not binge, just nutrition), and some time off. So no more working out today. And slow tomorrow. And maybe revamp the training schedule to include some breaks. Because if I don't do it, my body will.

So now I'm eating watermelon, planning a great (healthy) dinner, and putting in a movie (Crank 2 - how's that for irony?? Heehee!

Challenge catch up maybe later or tomorrow. Weigh in yesterday was 193.8 - down another .2. Pictures nad measurements on Friday - stay tuned!!

Man. I have been doing so great. Running, swimming, moving! And eating is improving. I'm working through issues. And most of the time, I feel pretty good about it. Sometimes even great!! Not tonight. Let me set the scene....

This is greenlake. Beautiful, nice 2.7 mile flat track for running around it. And tonight I'm on time, remembered everything, found parking and I'm ready to go. Start my music, set the gps and start my first lap. Plan is 2 laps before the group gets here and then a leisurely third lap. I've been doing 12 min/miles and thrilled with that progress. Tonight I wanted to see a few 11.xx splits (my gps is set to announce time/miles/speed every 3 minutes). As I set out, there were a few hitches...my ponytail was loose, there's a grain of something in my shoe, and I'm just a little "out of sorts". So I walk a short distance and fix my pony. Decide the grain in my shoe isn't untie/fix/retie worthy and keep on running. My first split isn't great but included the walking to fix my hair. The next split was still well over 13. What the hell??It got Ugly in my brain. I kept running thinking maybe it was just equipment malfunction. Next split still sucked. And my brain got the better of me. I ran most but not all of the next couple splits and finally started walking and called my husband. "I'm in a funk - I can't run anymore!!"

It was like someone took the wind out of my sails. And attached a giant anchor to my backside.

Hubby was busy at work and said he had to call me back. So I kept walking and tried to figure out what my issue was....I'm dressed, hydrated, good nutrition - in other words nothing physically the matter. Mental was another story.

I was just bummed. And wanted to quit. And a million other negative thoughts. So I finished walking the loop and now I'm waiting for my kids and the one person at church who signed up for this running group (insert more negative thoughts *here*)I will run another lap. And leave the ]^]%{*}+}=}*]^]% gps off.

But I want to post this. Not for sympathy but for my own "it just happens sometimes" reference. It's been worse. I'm not turning to food - didn't even cross my mind actually. Which, if I were going to be positive at all about something...well, that's as goons anything!!

still alive and kicking. And pedaling. And running. And, well, you name it! It's getting really fun to watch some of the changes with my body right now - collar bones, I haz 'em! I can't hardly shave my legs without being attacked by utter vanity - my poor husband is growing weary of the "hey - Look at THIS" interruptions. But I've got muscles - coming out of hibernation! I'll try and take some photos soon - document this in case they up and disappear again! I hope they won't - this is fun!

In the eating department I'm doing ok - I'm struggling a little with the sugar elimination. But it's interesting in that I'm able to see the emotional connection SO much clearer. Bad day - reflex is to think of eating something sugary. Frustrated? Sugar. Angry - that's an interesting one. That's been really clear. My brain sends out a "so - you REALLY want something to be angry about?!" message and send pictures of cookies, candy, and sugary snacks with that thought. Not being able to go to the usual 'fix' has given me time to really see the connection I have with emotions and food. It's still a struggle. There are debates raging in my head over "it's JUST one cookie" or "it's just one day - come ON - you WANT it!" But I'm beginning to get some distance from that - I'm more able to 'watch' the debate rage on while practicing self control from the sidelines.

That's not to say it's a perfect process. Last night I overate. Brown rice and peas. Because they were there. And I was tired. And, well, because I'm a food addict. I spent my evening trying to get my workouts in - I went on the spinner for 1:14:38 (yes - one HOUR - woot!) and was frustrated when I got interrupted by endless phone calls from kids (they were warranted - he needed to let me know he was safely on his way home) and then by my husband needed a hand at the shop.

One thing to add here - it's been very insightful for me to be taking all this time for myself. It's not pampering and bonbons in the direct sense. It's exercise. which you wouldn't think could be guilt producing. But it is. I feel guilty for taking this time to myself - for something which to my mom-brain isn't as important as providing for my family. But it is. I mean, logically. But as a mom and a wife, I'm supposed to put other people's needs first. And I'm trying to balance all of it.

Last night I broke down and asked for help. I haven't put the laundry away in TWO WEEKS. Yes. I know. I'm not a housekeeper - I suck at the domestic stuff. But I rock in other areas. I'm good with that.
So last night I asked Hubby "please" help with the laundry (ok - it's his clothes too and it's not a chore he expects but it's something I pride myself in being able to do to take care of his needs). So as I headed off for the pool (after biking and helping hubby and trying to get home in time for Biggest Loser - ACK!! Stress!!), I had dinner in the oven and a return time of 45 minutes.

Hubby took it to heart and pitched in!! I came home to the laundry sorted - my stuff was laid out on the bed while all of hubby's stuff was put away. He wasn't sure what gets hung up and what gets folded so we sorted and tackled it together. Felt really great. I only have a couple more freshly washed baskets to put away. Laundry really IS never ending in my house...sigh.

But on to the guilt - I feel immensely guilty about all the time I'm taking to work out. I know it doesn't make sense - and from a balance point of view, it really isn't that much. But I'm used to giving until there's nothing left and then trying to wring a little out for myself. Everyone around me is adjusting - kids are ramping up responsibilities, hubby is certainly behind me 100%, now if I could just join the movement...and be comfortable with the new balance.

so - after biking, cooking dinner, helping hubby, swimming, putting laundry away, eating dinner, and watching Biggest loser (still with me? this is a relatively typical evening for me...) - I was cleaning up the kitchen and there was brown rice left. I'd already packed my lunch for today and I justified it with being too lazy to find a container for it - I served the rice up and topped it off with some more peas. And ate it. I was full before this. And it was nearly bed time. And I didn't NEED it.

I'm so frustrated that these urges don't just GO AWAY. It's better, I know it is. And it's likely that it never goes 100% away - that I'll just keep developing tools to resist - but it just seems like as hard as I'm working on it, it should just GO AWAY! It's a not-so-subtle reminder of my short-coming. *sigh*

The idea that I'm human and imperfect - that's a tough pill to swallow, ya know? But I'm making it through - one day at a time. One meal at a time. One bite at a time. And I will succeed. I AM succeeding!

during my swim today - I came up with a great post! And I have several awards to aknowledge and pass along - and then there's the 3 challenges that I'm in to update today! I'm drowing in words and need to find more time!
It's funny how the more I spend time training, the more I have to say. But the more I spend time training, the less TIME I have to say it!!

I'm thrilled with this one - but I'm expecting it to slow down a lot - with all the working out and adding bootcamp, I'm building muscle. So my measurements at the end of the month should show more progress - but I'm happy with the weight drop so far!!
I've been getting out of bed at the A$$crack of dawn, getting a workout in (swimming, biking or bootcamp) and then heading to work. I'm thrilled to say I'm still awake and energetic by evening which feels so great! My blood sugar doesn't spend all day bouncing around and I rarely feel that utter sluggish, sleepy must-sleep-now feeling I used to get. Cutting the sugar out? Cutting the junk out? Working out more? I don't know which is to blame - or maybe it's just coming down to a great balance of all of it. Either way, I'm loving it.

ok - time for me to get back to work - I'll update awards later (I keep saying that!) and also a great metaphor about swimming and weight loss...stay tuned!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

This morning was boot camp again - I'm loving it! I'm committed to going - no "when ever/where ever" workouts which are easy to postpone (I haven't cancelled any but I've delayed a few - my schedule is WICKED!). There are different levels of intensity offered at bootcamp and today I stepped it up. Day 1 I was a little worried about not being able to finish the class or looking weak. Today I threw all that out the window. I'm not there to impress anyone, it's fairly likely that not one person in that class gives a hoot about my fitness level. So this morning I gave it 100%. Owie.

OWIE!

But I'm thrilled - I pushed it, I did well - and I'm sore to prove it. I'm going to have to write down all the routines so that when my 6 week trial is up, I can commit to doing it myself. None of it is complicated or difficult - they're all basic moves. Squats, lunges, sprints, planks. All good for the core, all can be done in my living room!

tonight I need to swim and bike - swim's going to be tough to get in as I have to go to the shop and do the books and payroll. So there's a chance the swim session will be over by the time I get free to go swim. But then I'll just do tomorrow's run today and swim in the morning. I'm flexible that way...

my body image issues are looking brighter as well. I beginning to look for the "good" spots in the mirror rather than seeking the flaws. I have a bounce in my step and my confidence is glowing. most of the time anyway. I'm still on guard though. I still wake up and expect to see 240 on the scale when I step on. My brain has that image seared in - I'm still not fully giving myself credit for the first 45 pounds gone. But I feel hopefull. At least right now. And that's what I choose to focus on.

One of today's themes in Blogland is how to raise our children to not make the same food/weight mistakes we did. I'm living that nightmare. At 5'-1" and 177 pounds, I'm not sure how my 16 year old is going to be fit enough to play soccer for her team starting next month. And I fear that the let down of that will send her into a negative spiral. And I'm aware that I'm projecting. She and I can't talk about weight - we try, we really do. But it gets ugly. At 16, her mom doesn't know anything. Just ask her. And at 42, I know a lot more than she thinks I do. It's hard when you've been down that path - when you know where it leads. And when you see all that potential walking that same path. And all the warning, lessons, speeches, motivation, and role modeling doesn't seem to deter her from heading down there. I'm at a loss. I've thought about how my mom could have helped me and I draw a total blank. The best I can do is be there for her. Continue to try and talk to her. And to let her know just how UNCONDITIONAL my love for her is. It is not tied to her weight, her esteem, her fitness level or anything else. It will always be there. And hopefully it's that love that will get through to her. I pray that to be true. In the end, the choice is hers. And that hurts to watch. But she's smart - she'll learn. And hopefully in less time than it took me.

Ok. Back to work with me!

Tomorrow: Blog awards and Friday weigh in!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

PS - can someone help me with how to make a cute signature to put at the bottom of my posts? I know it needs to be a jpg but how do I make one??

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

I'm still training my butt off - literally! I'm keeping up with the schedule I set and I'm excited to see progress! My run times are down, my swimming is good - biking I have no way of measuring. Boot camp went well, I didn't feel out of place OR out of shape! All victories!

NSV yesterday that was huge for me...
When I left work and headed for the bus, it was still early - buses to my car only come every 15 min. instead of every 7 during peak hours. So if I missed it, I was going to be home a precious 15 minutes later. And I really needed some home alone time - it was a stressful day yesterday just mood wise. As I entered the bus tunnel, my bus went barrelling past me - down to it's stop on the other end - approx. 1.5 blocks down. Without thinking - I sprinted. Yup. Me. Sprinted! I ran full out for the 1.5 blocks and climbed on the bus. Which - in itself is amazing. But, even more amazing, is that I wasn't out of breath. I wasn't winded, sweating, or left wondering if my clothes were still all in place from the massive amounts of body jiggling that would have happened in the past (how many times have I run for the bus, climbed on, waited to catch my breath and then have to rearrange all my clothes that slipped, slid, climbed, or twisted because of the running). I sat down with a giant grin. I could run. and nobody looked around for the defibrillator - it wasn't an alarming situation as it's been in the past.

I felt pretty darn good about my body and my fitness! I'm a work in progress and I'm SEEING the progress - it feels pretty darn good.

I've got several awards I need to post - I will do that later I promise!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Saturday I woke up early and headed out to the bootcamp orientation – it went well, I’m excited for day 1 tomorrow. Nothing fancy about it – basic common sense, simple exercises, repetition, focus on good form. Got home and hubby asked me to go to swap meet with him. With a restoration business, swap meets are just inventory shopping for us with a little bit of marketing and socializing thrown in. So we went.

I didn’t bring my bottle of water which turned out to be a huge mistake. We’re on a tight budget right now so I balked at $3 bottles of water. We did make halfway decent choices for lunch – teriyaki chicken on rice. Not great – but better than any other deep fried offerings they had. Finally, around 2pm, I broke down and bought bottled water. I managed to make it through the swap meet without the crap food – I was thrilled.

At home, we decided that we would use a gift certificate I won at work for a night out at the movies. Wall Street was playing and we headed into Belltown in Seattle. It just so happened that a friend’s restaurant was on the same block so we made an evening of it. The theater was lavish – they bring drinks to your seats and refill your popcorn (yes – I ate popcorn, guilt free). After the movie we went to our friend’s establishment where I ate pizza. Only two slices of a small pizza.

Sometimes I just throw my hands up and decide to live. I knew the next day was a big workout day and stopped before I was full and felt in control. No dessert – even though the whole meal was comped. Another victory in my book. On the way out, we gave our leftover pizza to a man begging on the corner. He asked for beer to go with it – I don’t think he was joking and then I was sad I gave up our delicious pizza to him. I only hope he enjoyed it.

Heading home, we held hands in the car and generally just basked in each other’s company. Ya, I know, we’re mushy that way. If you’ve never been THIS in love, I highly recommend it. :)

Sunday morning I got up bright and fricking early – I had a long bike ride to complete. 54 minutes on the spinner and 12.5 miles later, I woke the rest of the family up to get ready for church. I was super excited – our friends were going to meet us there and attend our church for the first time! I love sharing our church – I think it’s awesome and when someone else is touched by their awesomeness…well, it’s awesome.

After church we dropped my daughter off at work and we headed home. By this time, my head was pounding. It hurt to blink. I felt like my eyeballs were on fire. Classic dehydration. And for anyone who’s been there, once you’re behind in that race, catching up takes a lot of work. I laid down and closed my eyes for an hour. When I got up, it still hurt but I changed clothes and headed for swimming. I had 45 laps to put in today!

Concentrating on swimming helped with the headache. Swimming for me is a little zen like – it’s the one sport that I feel completely at home doing. I’m not great, I’m not fast – but I feel like a natural and I hear nothing but positive voices when I’m swimming along. When people look at me swimming, I only see admiration and positive thoughts. I don’t once assume they’re thinking “What’s SHE doing out here” or “didn’t know they made bathing suits that large” Or any other negative nonsense. I just keep swimming, and generally it’s a very happy time for me.

After my laps, I headed back home and then down to the shop with the hubby – he needed to put some work in on the shop truck and I had the books to do – checkbook to balance, paychecks to write. I kept drinking my water and hoping that my head would finally calm down. From there we headed home to pick up kids and then to meet my mother in law for dinner.

Dinner was something of a disaster for me. My head hurt, I’d worked out a lot that day – I have 10 more excuses but do you really want to hear them? Ultimately I ate a 6oz steak, a plain baked potato and 3 deep fried prawns. Nothing to be ashamed of but the feeling of eating with gusto, eating to make my head stop pounding, not thinking about taste or satisfaction – those were the no-no’s for me. I was reminded that although I’m losing the weight, I’ve cut out the trigger foods, I’m staying on track most of the time – I’m still struggling with this journey. It’s all a learning experience and I have to remember to stay focused. My ‘auto pilot’ is still very broken.

Today I’m back on track. Back at work – back to routine – back to the auto pilot that’s a little farther along than my weekend driver. Tonight is a long run – 5.8 miles with my daughter’s church group and then another 2.5 miles with hubby at home. I won’t get on the scale until Friday’s weigh in. I want to be able to focus on eating and training and learning from my mistakes. I don’t need the number to use against myself.

Meanwhile – I’m working on a challenge with GAG 2010 – a scattergory of sorts. I’m finding motivational sayings and scripture that inspires me. It’s helping. It’s brilliant. Thank you Sheila for coming up with it.

On a personal note – more for me than anyone reading it. I’m struggling with a friend’s good news. She just announced she’s pregnant. It’s got me down in the dumps. She’s 2 weeks behind where I SHOULD be. And while I’m thrilled for her, at the same time I’m feeling devastated all over again. I’m struggling with a lot of emotions over all of this – my body’s failure to keep the baby alive, my emotions about the decision to try again or not, my reasoning behind any decision we make. I just want it not to hurt so badly. Cutting myself some slack takes a lot of hard work – and that ties into the healthy eating. Being able to forgive.

Friday, October 8, 2010

I'm in THREE challenges - which isn't bad - they're all somewhat related. And they're all weight loss related. So it's all good.

I realized this morning that while I was frustrated last night - I remembered that I DID NOT eat the ice cream. That's what made me sad. But I should be happy that I remembered and resisted! So today that's what I'm focusing on!

Having my tri-training in full swing is helping me stay on track. Food wise I'm actually not as hungry when I'm working out (go figure) and I think that the no-sugar is helping with that as well. typically my day goes something like this:
7:30 arrive at work/eat breakfast.
10am - snack
noon - lunch
2:30 - snack
dinner is anywhere from 6pm to 9pm

I also eat a piece of toast with peanut butter before a workout.

Lately I have been skipping the snacks - not intentionally - I just forget. They were hunger driven (I believe in eating when you're hungry when at all possible - besides, I get CRANKY when I'm hungry so it's in every one's best interest...). Today I skipped 10am snack because by the time I was hungry, it was almost 11:30 and I was willing to wait. Now I'm having salad, chicken, and some fruit for lunch - yummy.

OK - weigh in. *drum roll* 195.6

HAPPY DANCE!! I've been watching the numbers drop all week - but that doesn't always mean a net loss. Sometimes it's just random. But I'm 0.6 pounds away from being half way to my 90 pound goal. I'm seeing a lot of changes in my body - I'll post a picture at the end of the month but it's definitely changing (or maybe my brain is accepting my shape - I'm not sure which...)

I'm thrilled with this one. One week - 4.6 pounds. It would get me eliminated on Biggest Loser (my pet peeve about the show) but 2.3% in one week - when I've already lost so much? I'm happy beyond happy!

The plan for the upcoming week? Bootcamp starts tomorrow - 3 days a week (I think - I could attend one more but that might be overdoing it - we'll see how I feel). Continued triathlon training - something every day (on average - there are days that life gets in the way and I just make up for it the next day). I'm slowly bringing clothes out of the back of my closet - pants I haven't worn in a VERY long time. Some 12's but the one's I'm most proud of right now are the Old Navy 14's - and while being in a 14 vs. a 12 doesn't sound like something to brag about, Old Navy has never made pants for women with thighs and a booty. I've got curves where Old Navy can't fit for. So being in Old Navy 14's is a big accomplishment for me!

Hubby is still running with me - my daughter's groups for running start this week so I'll be running with her and the group on Monday and Wednesday. And my son will be getting ready for homecoming next weekend....life in the land of Chaos - never a dull moment around here!!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

tonight we attended a car meeting - and ate at a burger joint. I did well on my selections, no problem there. And we went up to the ice cream cooler and picked out our ice cream. I was so proud of myself - I asked for 1/2 scoop of each of the sherberts I wanted - Lime and Raspberry - my favorites!! We took our treats back to the table and I was composing my "I'm so proud of myself" blog already (please tell me other people do this... and I put the spoon to my mouth and my brain finally kicked in.

*I forgot*

no sugar. Sherbert has sugar.

So, sadly, here's the result:

A melting dish of uneaten ice cream.

And I'm sad. Not because I went hungry or anything, but because I forgot. I didn't even feel deprived necassarily. Just disappinted because it's not easy. I want this to be easy. I really want it to be easy. But I know it's not. I've lived it all my life - it's not easy. But I keep hoping. Like checking the lotto ticket you buy once a week. You hope, you pray, but deep down you know the odds.
Weightloss - and eating - isn't under a random system though. They're in your control - sort of. It's not easy. We all know HOW...at least we have the basics. We're all in the process of working out the finer details and finding what works for us. But more often than not I underestimate how hard it is. Even after a lifetime of trying to figure it out.
The good news is that I DID remember - and before I ate any (ok - it touched my lips but I didn't take a bite!)
And I was reminded again that it's hard work. But I'm worth it...

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

I've been completely immersed in my tri-training so I've been working out every single day. And some days are 2-fers: 2 workouts. Well, there just aren't enough hours in a day so I missed a few because life just got in the way and by the time I sat down at night and got ready to workout, there was barely time for one let alone 2. So for 2 days now, I've gotten up 45 minutes early to get a workout in. First day was swimming, this morning was biking. tomorrow is swimming again.
The big deal is that I got up early. Folks, I am NOT a morning person. I would be wearing 2 different socks and 2 different shoes. But nobody would notice because if I didn't lay my clothes out the night before, I would go to work with no pants on. It's THAT bad. I suck at mornings.
But I got up. I worked out. Blearily. And then headed to work - and forgot to eat. Mind you, I eat a piece of toast with peanut butter before working out (it's the right combo for me to sustain energy through an hour of working out). But that's at 5:45AM (*YAWN*). By 10am I'm starting to feel a little hungry but nothing major.
And my energy level. Um....I have spent 2 days resisting the urge to do cartwheels down the hallways of my office. And if I was SURE I could do one without humiliating myself, I might do it! I've still got energy for a run at 9pm and now, at 10:30pm, I'm finally starting to fade. But all day long I'm up, alert, energetic, and very awake.
I probably have the no sugar working in my favor as well. My blood sugar has certainly evened out - no 2pm Siesta time feeling. The combination of working out and no sugar - well, I think I've found the key! (eating sensibly and moving = losing weight - who knew?! LOL)
Tomorrow is an early morning swim. And then a late night bike (well, spinner). And Friday is weigh in day. I'm kind of excited. I've seen each morning's preview...but I also know that my body likes to play tricks on me.
In other news, I created a vision board. Ideas and pictures of goals. It was actually kind of hard to do. I have a few goals - but most of them aren't tangible - there aren't pictures of being able to run when I want and how far I want. There aren't images of being able to look at pictures and love what I see. There is no way to show the look of desire in my husband's eyes (ok - I already see that on a regular basis but I was *AH-OO-GAAAAAH* eyes like in the cartoons more often!)

One huge NSV I had today - I was driving in the car (as usual - communting takes 2+ hours of my day). and I had pen that I put between my legs (I was tying my hair up with it so I needed one hand on the wheel and the other hand to collect my hair). I actually had to hold my legs together to keep it there!! I mean, it wasn't in any danger of really actully going anywhere I don't think....but I definately had to squeeze my thigh together to make sure it didn't fall on the seat!

I dream of the day I can see daylight between my thighs standing with my feet close together (my husband says the boys call that "factory air" whatever that means!) But I've never really thought it was possible. I never thought a lot of things are possible. I'm beginning to dream of endless possibilities. And I'm loving it!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Or at least it feels like it - my mom is cleaning out her closets. yes, plural. All my clothes fit in 1/2 a standard closet. With room left over. I'm not a big shopper, I'm not very fashionable, if it's clean and it buttons/zips/fits then I'm happy. Well, for the second time recently, my mom had me come over and pick up her donation clothes. And she's got great taste - casual, which is perfect for me! Last night's pick up included 3 great winter coats - one that's dressy even! There's probably a dozen t-shirts (no motorcycle logos - I'm sure my co-workers will be relieved!), several pairs of cotton Capri's, some sweaters, couple pairs of pants...and I can't even remember what else! I'm not sure where I'm going to put all this but I'm excited to have choices - and choices that fit!
My mom's smaller than I am - similarly shaped (big bottomed, tapered waist) - and a LOT taller than me (5 or so inches - damn my dad's genetics for being so dominant!!). But her clothes fit me!! Why am I so excited? Well, because I've always seen my mom as slimmer than me and I've never been able to share clothes with her. This is new territory for me. And makes me smile.
This morning I gambled with some of the new clothes. I had to get my swim in before work - hair appointment tonight - so I packed my gear bag with clothes for work, laid my swim suit and a pair of Capri's on top and was ready for an early (YAWN) morning swim.
Well - the pants I packed were from my mom yesterday - and I never tried them on. I gambled they would fit. After swimming, I held them up to me - my mind's eye thinking they were too small and would never fit.

Well - guess what I'm comfortably wearing right now!!!

Yup. My mom's old pants. They fit great! It was risky to assume they would fit but I really wanted to step out of my comfort zone. I really want to try and get my mind caught up to the size my body is - not the size it was. Easier said than done. I still look around at other blogger's pictures - size 12 looks beautiful on them - why can't I accept that the label isnt' WRONG in my jeans? Allowing my brain to compare myself to other people size 12 and accept that I AM looking better - sometimes even great - these days. It's like having a ghost image. Remember the old TV's that if you left the emergency pattern on overnight (OK you young people - just pretend you know what I'm talking about), then your TV screen would have a ghost image of that pattern on when you went to watch TV the next day. I think computer monitors do that too - hence "screensavers". So when I look in the mirror - the image I've seen for so long is still there - ghostly but there.
I'm working on it though. Taking the chance of going to work with no pants on. Because that's how *I* roll! Haha.

I'd better get my butt in gear!!
Tonight I'll be running around Greenlake with my daughter - goal is 5 miles.
tomorrow is a swim/bike day
Wednesday I'm getting my bike fitted and then going for a ... run. ya, I know - but I dont' have lights on my bike and riding the dark at my skill level = a very bad idea.

I'll update later on the no sugar and all the demons struggles that go along with that...

Of all of those, I'm most excited about my calves - I'm seeing some serious changes there - the definition so while there's only .5" gone, there's some major change! I tried to take a picture but it doesn't show it very well...I'll just have to keep working on MORE definition so that I can show it off!

Today was a rough start - I was supposed to meet at a local bike shop for a group bike ride. We happened upon the shop during a car show and the owners were very friendly. I'm headed there this week for a bike fitting. Meanwhile, they told me about a group ride they do every Saturday morning - I've really been wanting to find a group to ride with and most of them around here are fast, in shape, and I would really feel like a fish out of water. This group sounded much more my pace.

But I'm shy. Borderline social anxiety. And this morning it was one hurdle after another and I was late leaving the house. I couldn't fit my bike in the VW and threw a temper tantrum. Which made me even later. My plan was to be early - one of the first people there. So that I don't walk into a crowd of strangers and more like getting there early enough that I only meet a few strangers as they arrive...if that makes any sense. So I was hurrying to get out there - it was past start time but I went anyway.
There may have been a few stressful tears on the way out there. I hadn't eaten anything - I forgot my peanut butter toast on the counter. And a lot of self talk convincing myself NOT to turn around. When I did get to the shop - without turning around - everyone had left already. And I was both disappointed and relieved. So I headed home. All I wanted was a nap - it was only 9:20am (yes - I was TWENTY MINUTES late. I'm so ashamed!) and I already felt like it had been a long day.

On the way home, my husband called - to make sure I had gotten there ok. I told him I was headed home. He caught me mid crying jag. I don't usually cry people!!! I blame hunger and stress!!! I told him I was headed home and I would instead be going to the shop to do the books and billing. He called back before I got home and told me he would meet me at the shop and had picked up a turkey bacon breakfast sandwich for me (Starbucks to the rescue!). Here's where my day continued to get worse.

I planned on getting my swim in at 12:30 - pool's open from 12:30-2:00. But hubby asked for my help with some shop errands. Which finally ended around 1:30. So I missed swimming too. I was disappointed and frustrated for the second time today. So we headed out on one more errand (since it was too late for me to swim anyway) and we finally got home around 3:30pm. I decided I wanted a nap and to just hit 'reset' on the day.

So I did.

An hour later, I got up in a much better mood. We headed to the bike shop to pick up a few things - including a computer for my bike - distance, speed, and cadence, i'm so excited! Then we had a nice dinner and I hit the stationary bike for a nice 45 minute ride. So while it wasn't on the training plan, I did get a ride in. I'm a day behind on my training plan but figure that at least I'm still doing something. I'm learning to cut myself some slack.

Tomorrow is church and then a nice long swim. Tomorrow night hubby and I will go for a run and I will try and get back on track with the training.

Successes for today: Getting a bike ride in - even if it was stationary! Not eating chips at dinner. Day 2 no sugar - there's ice cream in the freezer that will NOT be eaten by me - even during a very bad no good day! My calves are getting ripped! :)

I finally snapped a couple pictures last night - and, as usual, when I looked at them, I just didn't like what I saw. There's something different about looking at full body picture vs. looking at small parts of me in the bathroom mirror. I can usually try and focus on something I like in the mirror - the shape of my collar bone starting to appear, the fact that I can see down to my toes without contorting myself, the fact that my waist is starting to curve INwards. But put them all together - and take a picture - and I begin to fret about the stuff I see that I don't like. So last night, I posted the pictures. And didn't like them but dismissed it and didn't dwell on it.
This morning I took another look - and compared. And while I'm still not entirely thrilled - I AM seeing progress. Small stuff - little bit of smoothing out of the cottage cheese thighs, my waist is shrinking, just little stuff.
So here are the before and the after (well, DURING really...) These will serve me well as my before Bootcamp shots too!

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weight: 210

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weight: 207

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weight: 200

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And while the weight difference isn't much - a total of 10 pounds between all 3 pictures, there are changes. And that's what I'm planning on focusing on.

Off for a 24 mile bike ride with a new group! I found a local bike shop that is wonderful! Let's hope I can keep up and not fall down!

Friday, October 1, 2010

This feels harder than no candy and no chips. And it started by throwing the oreos in the GARBAGE. And not the trash at my house - no, these went into the trash at the bus stop. Bye bye. (I'm imagining some homeless dude chowing down on his amazing find...)Now I need to grocery shop and fill my house with fruits and veggies!

First is Gag 2010. This is a pounds lost challenge - 12 weeks until Christmas. There are also POINT challenges - the first one being to create a Vision board. I'm excited for this challenge - some friendly winter competition to keep me moving in the right direction! I should have mentioned it early since this challenge is closed now :( sorry folks, I'm a slacker :(

Next is Big Clyde's Octoberfast mileage challenge. I pledged to the following distances:Ok - my mileage goals for October:swim: 24,000 yards (480 total laps)bike: 200 milesrun: 50 miles

And finally - because I never do things slowly *sigh* - challenge number 3 is Fatgirlvsworld's go the distance challenge. My goal is 50 miles of running in October.

So - they all sort of go together - they're not entirely seperate. but I'm excited to push myself, have some outside accountibility - and some friendly competition.