How can we forgive

A mother and daughter had lived in the same town for twenty years without speaking to each other. Relatives visiting in the area could never speak to both of them at the same time, because mother and daughter could not bear to be in the same room together. The invariable question each asked any visitor was, “What’s she been saying about me?” No one knew what had caused the rift in the first place. In fact, if the truth were told, they themselves may well have forgotten! The reason for the rift no longer mattered. What was important to both of them was keeping up their own entrenched position; keeping up the resentment and the hostility; finding strength in their refusal to give an inch. Closed off from each other, closed in on themselves, they could no longer relate openly with anyone at all. A black fog of resentment enveloped them!

That is an extreme example of the refusal to forgive and of the refusal to ask for forgiveness! However, such an extreme example really helps us to understand why Jesus was so insistent that we must be ready to forgive those who hurt us – over and over again if necessary! He knew that refusing to forgive someone traps us in an anger, in a hostility and in a resentment which eats into us and colors our entire life.

How can we forgive, when it seems impossible? How do we cope with our bitterness and resentment? How can we be sincere, when we want to forgive, but also feel the need to hold a grudge?

First, we must see forgiveness as it really is. It is first of all an act of justice. God has forgiven us! Our response to that great gift must be to forgive others in our turn. We must do this, not because of our fear of punishment, but out of a grateful heart.

Secondly, forgiveness is not something we can "do.” Rather, it is something we can “begin” and “nurture.” It is a process, and not a one-time act.

Third, forgiveness is not something we can do alone. We have the Holy Spirit in our heart, constantly calling us to be reconciled with each other and with God. It is at the Spirit’s prompting, and with the Spirit’s help, that we can begin to forgive.

Fourth, being from God, forgiveness works miracles of healing. Where once was darkness and despair, forgiveness brings light and peace.

Finally, we cannot forgive and forget. However, we can begin to forgive, and as we grow in forgiveness, our memory of hurt will be redeemed by God. We will then understand more about ourselves and about our neighbor; and about the infinite, tender mercy of God!