Top 10 Things Moms Never Want to Hear

On Twitter right now there’s a trending topic of #ThingsYouNeverWantToHear. Of course, on Twitter it’s mostly stuff like “wake up, it’s time to get ready for school” and “Blurred Lines on the radio, ever again.”

I do sympathize with that last one.

For moms, the list is a little different. Here are the top 10 things that as a mom, I dread hearing:

10. “I wet the bed.” That’s what my kid says. What I actually hear is, “Mommy, I made you another couple loads of laundry. Also now can I sleep in your bed and whack you with my incredibly bony knees and elbows for the next six hours?”

9. “I forgot, I have to make a diorama and it’s tomorrow.” This is always said at 7:30 p.m. on a Sunday. Also, it’s always a diorama. Always.

8. “Hello, this is the Vice Principal.” This one is dicey. It might be something good. I feel pretty bad for our vice principal. It seems like every once in a while he gets to make an upbeat phone call; one time I got a call that one of my kids had won a writing award. That call started with “Hello, this is the Vice Principal. Everything is okay.” But if the call starts with “Hello, this is the Vice Principal,” and then there’s a pause, it’s just not good.

7. “Hey Mom, guess what I found!” Much like the call from the Vice Principal, this one can go either way. Did your kid find a dollar? A rancid sandwich? Her homework assignment book that’s been missing for two weeks? A rabid stray? Least favorite guessing game ever.

6. “Mom, my head is really itchy.” It’s not dandruff. It’s never dandruff.

5. “My tummy feels weird.” You have exactly 3.2 seconds to get a bowl under that kid’s mouth.

4. “Sorry, I’ll be home late tonight.” That slot of time bracketed by dinner and bed is the lowlight of the parenting day. It doesn’t matter if you’re a working mom or a stay-at-home mom: if you have a partner who is normally there for the debacle known as “evening,” the thought of pushing through the next couple of hours without him or her is enough to make you cry. And then you’ll think about all your single parent friends and feel guilty and cry more.

3. “Mom, the dog just ate ________.” It is impossible for this sentence, and thus the rest of your day, to end well. It’s not like your kids are about to announce that the dog just ate his dinner. Get the paper towels and carpet cleaner out right now.

2. “Hello, this is the School Nurse.”It’s never something good. I mean, it’s not like she’s calling to say, “hey, just wanted to let you know your kid is doing a-ok today!”

1. “What is that smell?” First of all, I’m the only one who ever says this. The entire rest of my family has some kind of weird inability to smell gross things. Really, there should be awareness ribbons for it. Anyway, it’s always me that says this, and the answer is never something good. Because as a mom, I can normally identify almost any odor within about 2 seconds. I can actually tell, based solely on lingering odors, which of my kids has just been in the bathroom. So if I don’t know what a certain smell is, it’s something really, really unusual…which means bad.

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