Apparently, there exists an alternate universe in which the only real problem facing Americans today is legalized abortion. We have seen it, and invite you to follow us down the rabbit hole.

Michael Novak, who wrote the book No One Sees God before he realized that every atheist automatically adds "Because He Doesn't Exist" to the title, is taking issue with the fact that the President of the United States, Barack Obama, will be giving the commencement address and receiving an honorary degree at the University of Notre Dame, a Catholic institution. Because Obama is pro-choice. Apparently, in this day and age, Novak believes that only people who oppose abortion rights should be granted degrees by Catholic-sponsored institutions of higher education (Guess I should turn mine into Georgetown! Can I get my money back?) and the students at the university should never hear anyone who doesn't believe that abortion is immoral speak. Next up, by the way, will be litmus tests for the professors.

Anyway, from that incredibly nuanced and intelligent position on the benefits of higher education for indoctrinating today's youth into the anti-abortion movement, Novak heads straight for Crazy Town, population Michael Novak. Some of his assertions:

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Abortion is like slavery. Your takeaway from this should not be that Michael Novak thinks that African-Americans are, say, less than fully human and equivalent to cell clusters in any way, shape or form.

Novak is pretty sure that, in 1858, the university did not invite then-Illinois Senator Stephen Douglas to address the (all-male) student body because of Douglas defense of states' rights and slavery. He did not, however, call the university to confirm this. I, however, did. A spokesperson confirmed that Douglas was not a speaker at commencement, nor was he specifically disinvited from speaking because of his position on states' rights. In fact, the university held its first commencement in 1845 and "Commencement speakers for the next several years included local educators, priests and attorneys, but that changed in 1865 when the guest of honor was Gen. William Tecumseh Sherman, commander of the famous Civil War 'March to the Sea.'" So they might have welcomed a high-profile Senator in 1858.

Novak also knows that abortion is really bad because you can see pictures of fetuses and "the organism growing in the womb of its mother is human. It is not the embryo of a cocker spaniel, or a camel, or a donkey." Well, thank fucking God for that, ladies, amirite?

Because the fetus has DNA, it is an individual human even when it's two cells.

The Declaration of Independence thus declares each two-celled human to be entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Thus, all pro-choice people are exactly like slaveowners.

For them, the choice of the mother takes precedence over the choice of the individual, just as under the Douglas plan the choice of the state takes precedence over the liberty of the individual.

If Barack Obama has his way, there will be forced late term abortions for all! Because he's evil. (And a slaveowner.)

Also, all doctors and nurses will be forced at gunpoint to perform these late term abortions. Doctors and nurses that don't want to be forced by Barack Obama to perform late-term abortions on the multitudes of women that Barack Obama will soon force to have late term abortions are the new abolitionists. Like Frederick Douglas, only he was black.

Also, despite not contacting the university about Stephen Douglas, Novak claims, "A defense of slavery would have barred him. His support of harsh offenses against human beings in the womb does not disqualify him?" See: Barack Obama loves slavery.

In fact, the President's support for abortion is killing millions of potential future black people every day, and is the reason he's only the first black President. He's not just a slave-defender and a slave-owner, he's personally responsible for the million of African-Americans who live in poverty today because of abortion.

Also, abortion is the reason Social Security will fail.

Obama's stimulus package will spur further abortions, and abortion is the reason for his stimulus package.

Obama hates America.

Abortion is responsible for the financial crisis.

Also, The Surge totally worked. No, he doesn't try to relate this to abortion.

He'd also like you to know that the Pope thinks abortion and doctor-assisted suicide are absolute moral evils, but the death penalty is cool and so's war.

Obama will probably get on stage and perform an abortion himself just to say "fuck you" to the people who think abortion is the new slavery.