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Good morning. Before I get into my speech, I’ve been asked to make a few announcements. Due to the heat, all graduates are advised to be completely naked under their robes to help them stay cool. It’s the first all-commando graduation in history. Also, please keep a close eye on our elderly guests and make sure they avoid heat exhaustion. We know it’s annoying having them around your house, but it will be more annoying to have them to carry them back to the car after this. Just keep them in the shade. Lastly, please be sure to hydrate today. If you run out of water, you can refill your bottle underneath my mother’s eyes at any time during the ceremony.

Now, onto the speech. I’d like to thank my classmates, my family, and a Buzzfeed listicle called “19 Things to Say In Your Graduation Speech” for inspiring me. This is what I want to say you today: Dream big. Seize every opportunity that comes your way. Dare to be different. Thank you very much and congratulations to the Class of 2015!

But, in all honestly, I consider myself privileged to be a part of this graduating class. We’re so much better than all the other graduating classes, which are full of good-for-nothing losers. This grade has really grown up together. The Class of 2015 was the first grade in anyone’s memory to have a food fight at Saxe. And then we did it again the next year. We were just running up the score. In high school, we did lots of group projects and things to try and teach us how to work together. But we had already gotten 320 seventh graders to throw a burrito at the exact same time. There was nothing left to learn at that point.

People were really scared of how we were going to behave in high school. So scared in fact, that the principal ran away. And then his replacement could only take three years of us! However, the Class of 2015 has proven itself to be a mature, intelligent, and diverse group of people. Among our midsts are accomplished musicians, brilliant artists, champion athletes, groundbreaking scientists, and people that get invited to lots of parties. We have strong bonds that have been forged by the trials of high school. We got through the SAT without losing our minds. We got through Outback raves without losing our dignity. We got through this last month of school without losing our college acceptances. Ideally, one of you will be so successful that I can say I knew you in high school, which will make a wonderful conversation starter. Until that happens, enjoy yourself and keep in touch with your friends. At least that’s what Buzzfeed told me to tell you.

…An officer saw a vehicle matching that descriptionand pulled it over, according to a police spokesman. There were four youths in the vehicle, all male and all 16. Although none of them appeared intoxicated, the spokesman said, ‘the officer spotted in plain view a case of Keystone Light beer.'”

– New Canaan Advertiser

Four teens were issued infractions for possession of alcohol by a minor Saturday night, after a police officer pulled their vehicle over and noticed several locally-produced, artisan craft beers inside.

According to police reports, an officer noticed a black Jeep speeding on Main Avenue at 9:30 pm. After pulling the vehicle over, the officer noticed a considerable quantity of delicious small-batch, handmade, seasonal brews.

A further inspection of the vehicle revealed “2 six packs of Bad Monkey’s stellar new summer shandy, 3 bottles of a lovely lemon honey ale, a VSOP armagnac, and a nice Sonoma County burgundy, one of Wine Spectator’s 20 Top Budget Burgundies,” according to the same police report.

Sipping the evidence from a Belgian skein, Lieutenant Peter Moss commented on the bust. “These boys knew exactly what they were doing when they acquired these incredible craft brews,” Moss said, wiping a bit of foam from his upper lip. “Their biggest crime was probably keeping these fantastic beverages in a room-temperature car.”

Lieutenant Moss believes this bust is symbolic of a larger issue. “Kids today are drinking more and drinking better,” he said. “We show up to parties and find tons of incredible local brews. Nice tight carbonation, a one inch frothy head, fruity and hoppy varieties. This is what we’re up against.”

The officer also discovered precise scales and powerful butane torches in the vehicle. “The boys were intending to cook a nice saffron paella,” Moss said.

Lieutenant Moss sees underage consumption of tasty, refreshing craft brews, and all alcohol for that matter, as an important issue. “We need to teach kids that drinking is dangerous, whether you’re consuming the watery garbage that is cheap light beer, or the crown jewel of refreshment that is the craft brew,” Moss said. “At the end of the day, we need to take action as a community.”

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Hi readers! I normally wouldn’t do this, but this post is going to contain no comedy. Instead, I’m handing the website over to my beloved father who is going to share a valuable investment opportunity with you. Read on for a chance to become rich beyond your wildest dreams.

Dear Readers of My Son’s Joke Website,

I’m excited to contact you today about a once-in-a-lifetime financial opportunity you can’t afford to miss.

Have you ever been dining in a Swiss-French restaurant and thought to yourself: “I wish this could be more convenient?” Do you know that feeling where you’re chowing down on some fondue or raclette and you think, “This is lovely, but I wish it didn’t take so long?” Well, here is your chance to get involved on the ground level of a fast food revolution. Introducing: Drive-Thru Fondue ®.

You might have thought that the only food that belongs in fast food is hamburgers and fries. But I’m here to tell you that the cauldrons of scalding oil, wheels of gooey cheese, and large quantities of raw meat and shellfish that characterize Alpen cuisine can have a place in your vehicle.

The premise is simple at Drive-Thru Fondue ®: approach the window, receive your order, and drive off with raw beef, shrimp, and scallops impaled on pointy forks and simmering in a steamy vat of boiling liquid. It’s just that easy.

The menu for Drive-Thru Fondue ® is constantly being improved, but it is built on a few core dishes. For appetizers, you have the classics. Raclette cheese, aged for over 180 days in a cave at every Drive-Thru Fondue ® franchise, is served with a disposable heat lamp to put on your dashboard. Keep the cheese warm and carve yourself some slices at stoplights. Cheese fondue is also a big mover. Our proprietary blend contains three gourmet cheeses and is served in a styrofoam container perfectly sized for your automotive cupholder. Avoid speed bumps, or the artisan French bread and decadent miniature vegetables might just fly out and cover your leather upholstery in molten Appenzeller. It is always fun when you find that rogue cornichon or pearl onion hidden underneath your seats, though…

For your entreé, indulge with Drive-Thru Fondue ®’s signature dish: Fondue Royale. With ample amounts of raw filet mignon and luxurious seafood, this affordable meal is sure to satisfy during your evening commute. Our simmering oil is a custom blend of 16 oils, 57 spices, and a tiny bit of witchcraft. When was the last time your dinner was exhilarating? Well, when our delicious recipe comes flying at your face and neck when you hit a pothole, you’ll know what it means to dine adventurously.

We at Drive-Thru Fondue ® are completely against distracted driving of all kinds. But, we are committed to food and road safety for our customers. Our ingredients are presented raw, which means they come laden with salmonella, E. Coli, tapeworms and other unseen assassins. While driving, avert your eyes from the road for a few moments to check that your food has been thoroughly heated. Additionally, be sure to completely sanitize all of your vehicle’s interior surfaces after handling all Drive-Thru Fondue ® fare.

Our first location is a huge hit in the local community and our grub is getting rave reviews every day. We were recently awarded four out of five forks by Fondue Fancy magazine, a leading industry publication. Furthermore, we were rated as “Adequate” by the local health department. Additionally, we are legally obligated to inform you of our “Abysmal and Life-Treatening” designation by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.

Drive-Thru Fondue ® is ready to take the leap into the next level of fast food. We are looking for brand sponsors, franchisees, loose-moralled insurance executives and adept liability lawyers to be a part of the Drive-Thru Fondue ® family.

So join us. Open your wallets and come along for the ride. If you’re a hungry entrepreneur or simply a loyal patron of the fondue community, this is a can’t-miss opportunity to be a part of something big. It may seem like every big fast food chain is putting fondue on their menus these days. But remember:

2014. What a wild and crazy time it’s been. This amazing year was filled with amazing people doing amazing things. There were wars, disasters, and miracles. And holy mackerel, there were a lot of great butts.

In February, the ebola outbreak tore its way across West Africa. This horrific disease shocked the world and united us in fear. But we forgot all about that as soon as Nicki Minaj dropped the “Anaconda” video and we were consumed with images of beautiful, buttery bumcakes. What a year.

Two Malaysian flights ended in disaster this year. We’ll remember hearing about all those lives lost on the television. Each and every one of us realized that could have been us. But we could all have been Beyonce’s butt, too. And when we saw that bodacious booty at the VMAs, this year was positively bun-tastic. Big, badass bottoms were truly the stars of 2014.

Additionally, we saw lots of war and conflict this year. From Crimea, to Syria, to Iraq, it seems like we just couldn’t find peace. Despite all our prayers, people were losing their lives to violence all over the world in 2014. And then our prayers were answered, as Kim Kardashian broke the internet with her regal rump. This bouncy, boisterous, buxom backside was the delightful derriere we all needed this year.

Malala Yousafazai captured our hearts when she became the youngest person ever to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Who wasn’t inspired by her bravery in standing up to the Taliban? This more than made up for her rather unspectacular tush, which pales in comparison to the hefty heinies in this year’s Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Good golly, those gigantic glutes and beefy badonkadonks were the best thing to happen in 2014.

So goodbye, 2014. With so many ups and downs, highs and lows, joys and sorrows, this was truly a year to remember. But the fantastic fundaments, terrific tushies, and portly posteriors of 2014 were truly unforgettable.

SEE ALSO: Will 2015 be the year we finally tackle climate change or are hips going to make a comeback?

If I had a nickel for every time I said this, I wouldn’t know how much money I had because the math homework was always too hard.

4. My dad said he’d help me, but he was at work late.

In all honesty, not the first time Dad let me down.

5. Dad wasn’t even at home this morning to help me before school.

Where could he be?

6. He told my mom he was just getting a pack of cigarettes and some scratchers on his way home.

Mommy, where’s Daddy?

7. I’m not doing my homework until Dad comes back.

What do you mean he’s not coming back?

8. The sound of sobbing was too distracting.

Mommy, stop crying. You said it yourself. He’s gone.

9. I just couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed this morning.

Please, Lord, take this weight off my shoulders.

10. My mommy couldn’t help me with the work, but she’s going back to school at night so she can.

My mommy can be just as good a daddy as that good-for-nothing oaf ever was!

11. I didn’t have time. I was too busy taking on the world, just my mother and I.

I’m going to college in a few years, and when I walk across the stage in my cap and gown, the infinite possibilities of my bright future laid out before me, my wild ambitions twinkling behind my eyes, I want my father to look at me and know that he made the biggest mistake of his life when he walked away.

Mothers across the country are in a state of disbelief today after discovering that their children’s proms are actually intended to be enjoyed by their children.

Understandably, mothers were outraged at the news. “Prom was supposed to be the most special night of my life,” said Lindy Wold, a mother of a high school junior. “I just wanted to feel like a princess and live vicariously through my daughter on my own special night. They took that away from me.”

“Getting to put on that beautiful dress and ride in a limo is something we all expect to imagine doing at our daughter’s prom,” Ms. Wold said. “And now I can’t.”

Sheila Diewyncezki, owner of Little Miss Glamorous dress boutique, is concerned about how this sudden realization will affect her business. “I sell a ton of dresses around prom every year,” she said. “Not for the girls, but for their moms to wear in the pictures. I don’t know if I’ll survive this, I really don’t.”

One of the biggest complaints coming from the mothers is that their ability to take pictures will be limited by the changes. Betty Palder bought a new camera for her daugter’s prom. “It’s not just about taking pictures of them all dressed up,” she said. “It’s about documenting the night.”

“I wanted to be there when she got out of the limo,” Ms. Palder said. “I wanted to be there when she had her first dance. When she left the prom. When she succumbed to the influence of peer pressure. I wanted to be there with the camera when she did something she’d certainly regret in the morning. And now they won’t let me.”

This maternal presence has even created a negative influence on teens. “All I really want to do is go to prom, dance a little, then maybe watch a movie with some friends,” junior Willy Placid said. “But because of my mom, now I feel like I have to get in trouble and make mistakes.”

Some experts are saying this development could have widespread ramifications on the whole prom industry. Lydia Von Sluice is one such expert. “We’re seeing kids skip out on the corsage, the boutonniere, all the traditional prom affectations to defy their mothers,” she said. “Surprisingly, it seems like kids don’t really want their moms there with them on prom night.”

“It turns out that kids never really cared about any of it. They were just doing it because their mom said it was what she would do,” she added.

At this stage, it appears the mothers are holding firm on keeping graduation solely for their enjoyment.

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With the College Board enacting sweeping changes to the SAT next year, parents and educators are worried. Though none were actually asked for their opinions on the matter, we’re pretty sure students are concerned as well. In response to this vocal blowback and out of genuine concern for student welfare and achievement, the Collegeboard has instituted a new practice exam: the PSAT, or Post-natal SAT.

Studies have shown that factors such as college readiness, eventual salary, and life fulfillment can be predicted almost immediately after a baby exits the womb. The PSAT holistically evaluates your 8-pound-bundle-of-joy’s scholastic ability in reading, writing, and math. With our rapid scoring system, you will get your infant’s scores in just two weeks, allowing them to start preparing for a second attempt almost immediately. Your baby will get an early taste of their future schooling life as their already sleepless nights are filled with rigorous test prep.

We at the College Board know that being thrust from a warm cocoon of innocence into the chaos of the world can be stressful in students, so we will be offering a wide variety of review materials for your fetus. In cooperation with Little Einsteins, we will be selling audio study materials for the PSAT, which you can pipe into your uterus at high volumes. Did you feel that kick? Looks like your little one just learned something new.

Of course, the College Board has gone to great lengths to make sure the PSAT scoring is fair. If your baby tries to stick a pen in its mouth during the writing section, he’s performing better than most of his peers, meaning a score in the high 700s. If your infant looks at a math problem, craps itself, and cries, he’s approaching math like many college students do! You’ve done a great job parenting this kid for the last five minutes.

To register for the Post-natal SAT, visit kollegeboard4kids.com. For help evaluating your parenting style and priorities, seek psychiatric or religious counsel.

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