The Cruelty Crisis: Bullying Isn't a School Problem, It's a National Pastime

Exclusion, humiliation, gossiping, name-calling, and cutthroat alliances - we can't get enough! We panic when these behaviors are directed at our own children and we express outrage when the consequences turn deadly, but over the past few years we, the adults, have turned cruelty into entertainment and sport.

According to the Nielsen ratings, reality television topped the "most watched TV" list in 2009 and analysts expect the trend to continue through 2010. From the Real Housewives of Orange County to the Jersey Shore, reality TV draws audiences by delivering performances that mirror the exact behaviors that we define as bullying. We tune in to watch hostile confrontations, belittling, collusion, backstabbing, and public ridicule. We're drawn in by the promise of mean-spiritedness and we're seduced by the idea that we get to watch people's most intimate and private moments made public. Sound painfully familiar?

Gossiping, one of the most glamorized behaviors on TV and a popular weapon in the bully arsenal, is another behavior that falls into the "do as we say, not as we do" category. As adults, how many times have we stood around with a group of friends or colleagues and criticized or made fun of someone? It happens every day in carpool lines, in the back of churches, in front yards, and around the water cooler. We wonder why the awkward first grader is being excluded from birthday parties when our PTO clique is constantly whispering about his weird mother and would never consider inviting her to coffee.

When it comes to managing conflict and difference, we're not exactly modeling the behaviors that we want to see in our children. Whether it's politics, religion, or social issues, the more uncertain we feel, the more certain we act. Finger pointing, screaming, and in-your-face personal attacks have replaced respectful and necessary debate and discourse. We see this everywhere from political talk shows and school meetings, to the sidelines of kids' soccer games. I've heard people define bullying as "angry, aggressive acting out in children." I would argue that a lot of bullying is simply kids acting like aggressive parents acting out and behaving like angry children.

I've spent the past decade studying vulnerability, shame, authenticity, and belonging. I've interviewed research participants and collected thousands of stories about how we live, love, parent, work, and navigate our increasingly anxious world. Over the past ten years I've witnessed a profoundly dangerous pattern of behavior emerge in our culture:

As our fear, uncertainty, and feelings of vulnerability increase, cruelty becomes an acceptable way for us to discharge our pain and discomfort. Rather than doing the difficult work of embracing our own vulnerabilities and imperfections, we expose, attack, or ridicule what is vulnerable and imperfect about others.

In our culture, vulnerability is synonymous with weakness, and imperfect means inadequate. Rather than acknowledging that we are all vulnerable and imperfect, we buy into the painful idea that we are less than; that we aren't worthy of belonging. It is the struggle for worthiness and belonging that leads to bullying.

Belonging is the innate human need to be a part of something larger than us; we are hardwired for it. Cruelty is a predictable outcome in a culture that tells us that invulnerability and perfection are prerequisites for belonging. We are never more dangerous than when we are backed into a corner of never __________ enough (good/ rich/ thin /successful/ admired/ certain/ extraordinary/ safe/ in control/ powerful/ etc.).

In a world that is plagued by war, economic hardship, and pervasive self-doubt, we rage and humiliate to alleviate our own misery. It's simply easier to attack and berate others or watch it happen on TV, than it is to risk having honest conversations about our struggles with worthiness. Why lean into our own feelings of scarcity and shame, when we can watch strangers get booed off stage or voted off the island? It feels good to watch others suffer.

If we want to reclaim courage and compassion in our families, schools, organizations, and communities, we must open our hearts and minds to a new way of thinking about vulnerability and imperfection. Our imperfections are not flaws; they are what connect us to each other and to our humanity. Vulnerability may be at the core of fear and uncertainty, but it is also the birthplace of courage and compassion - exactly what we need to help us stop lashing out and start engaging with the world from a place of worthiness; a place where empathy and kindness matter.

Whether we are a sweaty-palmed 7th grader navigating a hostile cafeteria, or a laid-off worker trying to make a mortgage payment, or a young mother waiting for mammogram results, feeling vulnerable, imperfect and afraid is human. It is when we lose our capacity to hold space for these struggles that we become dangerous. We can legislate behavior all day long, but true compassion comes from a tender and vulnerable place where we understand how inextricably connected we are.

Courage and compassion are not ideals; they are daily practices. The TV shows that we allow in our homes, the way we discuss politics and social issues, the way we handle altercations at the grocery story - these are choices with real consequences. Bullying is a serious problem in schools, but we are all accountable for the cruelty crisis that is fueling these behaviors. The answer to the bullying problem starts with this question: Do we have the courage to be the adults that our children need us to be?

Reality TV is the modern version of gladiator's fight. We watch people be humilated and psychologically tortured for our pleasure.

The movie "Funny games", by Austrian film maker Michael Haneke, features many sadistic scenes, that we initially think are for the pleasure of the psychopathic character, until he turns to the camera to remind us that WE chose to watch this movie, and that these cruel acts are perpetrated for OUR pleasure.

The human race is cursed with sadistic flaws that have been useful in our evolutionary history, and that we consciously aspire to overcome.

Humans upheld their ideals while in plain light, but revert to their nature too easily...

You are such a breath of fresh air. A friend sent me a link to your Youtube video presentation and I became an instant "fan". I've tweeted and Facebooked it and sent the link to special friends. Needless to say I like what you have to say and how you are saying it. Unfortunately the curelty crisis is not something we leave behind following grade school. I'm amazed how grown ups treat each other in the work place. I unplugged from the TV nightmare a year ago and now watch only full length movies of my choosing w/out commercial interrumption OR toxic programming to my subconscious. Cruelty has actually become the new sexy in some circles. It is a pattern of behavior that is programmed into the psyche from childhood. Starting with the 'terrible twos' we appear to get hooked into a behavior pattern that grooves us into a dark side mentality, attracting more of the same until one day we get the picture and stop the insanity - or not. Unfortunately there seems to be a greater number who don't 'get it' and do something different than there are who do. The value of your work in this field is that it is shedding light on a subject that has been left to fester for too long. Thank you for noticing and taking your shot in the fireing sequence.

If everyone would spend their time looking for the good in others instead of the bad, the world would be much happier. Why is our gut reaction to look at the bad, the unworthy, the imperfection? We should all try to train our minds to think positively about others and teach our children the same thing. Thanks Brene for speaking up and speaking out on behalf of the parent trying to think positively!

I have read and reread this article, sent it to others, posted it on my facebook wall and twitter and... I thank you.

In the early years of my teaching career, I enveloped Vivian Gussin-Paley's You Can't Say You Can't Play - and it worked beautifully with support always modelling and offering guidance for the ones who needed to learn how to include and envelope each child, where they were in their life. Later in my teaching career I was fortunate to hear the words of Dr. Martin Brokenleg and I have used his book _Reclaiming Youth at Risk_ as a manual in my everyday so-called regular classroom. His number one belief with children, actually everyone, is that each must feel as if he/she belongs - when this happens she/he can move through the entire circle of life with ease and grace... Thank you again Brene for your heart-filled intentional words.

It all starts at home -not at school. That approach is passing the buck and expecting another to do the job. A child is like a sponge, observing, hearing and energetically feeling what is happening. A parent sets the example: when impatient in traffic, when disrespectful or contemptuous to a public servant, whether in a grocery store or anywhere else. This type of behaviour will be copied. Not needing to be right is so very important: a pleasant resolution, a smile. These are all gestures that reflect empathy, consideration, love. When a child sees this, regardless of age, then the interaction with subordinates, peers or authority figures will be respectful and kind.

This is NOT a difficult task but it must be carried out with consistency. Furthermore, an environment that is thoughtful will be offended by the gruelling and often violent virtual entertainment that is found on television today. It will not be selected as the desired program to watch. Furthermore, that type of behaviour will not be played out in school or anywhere else.

Thank-you for this great contribution and discussion. I work to prevent and reduce workplace bullying and the same message applies. We often get back what we give out. If we give acceptance, tolerance and respect, we will mostly get that back. Often in order to give this out, we need to feel peaceful within before we can share it. When we are full, then our cup overflows. If we are empty, we may tend to take, absorb what we need from others. This can often come across as bullying and harassment. In environments where there is not enough acknowledgement, acceptance and respect, then the trouble really begins, but it is so easy to prevent.

I'm a writer and avoid publishing over half of my work because of the level of criticism and discrimination that people can experience online - from people who consider themselves experts, from envious acquaintances, from potential employers, or from not-so-innocent bystanders.

I wish that we lived in a culture where people were not shouted down when they disagree. It's very difficult for a writer to be courageously "vulnerable" when the wages of that courage can be so offensive. Sometimes I regret the invention of the Internet. Poetry slams have social problems for the same reason, I think.

Bullying, like smoking and drunk driving probably can only be displaced in our society when we educate a generation of people of the harm those actions do. It's not a popular message at first but with persistence and a willingness by people to suffer criticism and still be a champion of a cause change will occur.

Thank you Brené, and others, for standing up to expose shame as a reason not to do anything.