The Taiwanese animators are taking on the age-old conflict of Super Bowl commercials versus the Puppy Bowl. It’s not really that much of a conflict since the Puppy Bowl airs before the Super Bowl, but whatevs. It got Next Media Animation to make a video. [Stefon voice] This video has everything. Ravens doing curls with the decapitated heads of Patriots, sexy mummies, tiny Darth Vader getting hit by a car, house pets killing people, some Illuminati imagery for Beyonce, and a Maoist panda riding a motorcycle for some reason.

— Chris Culliver apologized for his comments about not welcoming a gay teammate by saying that derogatory statement was a reflection of the thoughts in his head, but not how he feels. So he still hears gay-bashing in his head, but his heart says gays are okay? People need to leave Te’o alone and figure out what’s going with this dude.

— Discussing the Culliver comments on ESPN, Mike Ditka called homosexuality “a choice you tolerate.” And who said football wasn’t a bastion of understanding?

— Donald Driver announced his retirement from the NFL today, which is sad. He announced it on “Mike and Mike”, which is far sadder.

— You can buy Greg Jennings’ house outside Green Bay for $525,000, which isn’t a ton of money in some parts of the country. I’m sure it isn’t exactly a fortune in Wisconsin, either. Anyway, I’m sure once John Kuhn sells his house, it’s going for minimum $5 million, regardless of size and amenities.

— A five-year veteran of the Ravens cheerleading squad is retiring after this season, but wasn’t invited to go to the Super Bowl, in part because the rules state that teams aren’t allowed to bring their entire cheerleading squad. So I guess she kind of sucks as cheering. Nevertheless, some people are upset about this. WHAT OF THE COURTNEY LENZ FAREWELL TOUR?

— J.J. Watt has a child bride. I believe this is a roundabout way of asking for a trade to the Titans.

— The Houston Texans went to a fancy steakhouse a couple times this season, once deposited $11,000 in cash on the table, while one player ordered a $600 steak well-done. Might as well just light the cash on fire.

The Super Bowl is becoming all about the gays! Certainly better than all about the Harbaughs, I’d argue. Focus on the Family is gonna need three uncomfortable Tim Tebow commercials to counter this.

People have been pressing Ravens special teamer and gay marriage advocate, Brandon Ayanbadejo, to use the game as a platform for his views. It was revealed the other day that former 49ers tackle Kwame Harris faced charges for assaulting a former boyfriend because the ex poured soy sauce on his rice at a restaurant.

Now we find out that San Francisco corner Chris Culliver told Artie Lange on Media Day that a gay player would not be welcome on the team and expressing it in a highly innuendo-laden way.

“I don’t do the gay guys man,” said Culliver, whose Niners play the Baltimore Ravens on Sunday. “I don’t do that. No, we don’t got no gay people on the team, they gotta get up out of here if they do.

“Can’t be with that sweet stuff. Nah…can’t be…in the locker room man. Nah.”

Does this put the 49ers at a gay tolerance disadvantage? Not something that should happen with a San Francisco team, because regional stereotypes and such. To be fair, 49ers players expressed support for Kwame Harris after his charges were announced. And it’s not like every Ravens player is cool with the gays. Matt Birk don’t do the gay guys either.

Billy: Everything. EVERYTHING. MY LIFE IS AWFUL AND I WANT TO KILL MYSELF.

Brandon: Calm down, calm down. What’s going on?

Billy: I came out to my parents last night. I thought they’d be supportive. I thought they’d accept me for who I am. But you know what happened instead? They said I was “confused.” They said I was hanging out with the wrong people, and that they’re going to send me to some church therapist. My Dad said I was a coward. That was the exact word he used. My own father called me a coward. I CAN’T TAKE THIS! (cries hard)

Brandon: Billy, Billy. It’s going to be all right.

Billy: IT’S NOT GONNA BE ALL RIGHT! My mom told Jacob Duran’s mom about it, and she blabbed to everyone else about it. I get to school this morning, and someone spray-painted FAGGOT on my locker. Two football players held me down and kicked me in the ribs. Everyone is laughing at me. I have no one. I have NOTHING. GAHHHHHH!!! (sobs) I wish I were dead.

Brandon: It’s okay, man. It’s okay. I think I know someone who can help you.

Billy: You do?

Brandon: Yeah, I do.

(rectory door flies open)

Tony Dungy: Hello, William.

Billy: Coach Tony Dungy? Formerly of the Indianapolis Colts?

Dungy: THE SAME.

Billy: Wow.

Dungy: Your friend Brandon here thought I should have a word with you. You’re lucky you have such a good friend, William. Not everyone has such good friends. May I sit?

Billy: Okay. I guess.

Dungy: (sits down next to Billy, pats his leg) You may not believe me, but I know what you’re going through, William. We all suffer from crises of identity and faith in our lives. Particularly when we’re young. It isn’t easy figuring out who you are. To accept yourself. To love yourself. We all need support. We all need help.

Billy: I don’t have anyone.

Dungy: That’s not true. You have Brandon here.

Brandon: Sure do, brother.

Dungy: And I’m here, too. We’re here to help you, William. Now, I understand that you came out as a homosexual to your family and at your school.

Billy: I did. And it’s been terrible. Everyone hates me.

Dungy: Well, there is something you need to know about being young and gay and being bullied. IT GETS WORSE, William. I want you to know: IT GETS WORSE. Much, much worse.

Billy: It does?

Dungy: Oh, yes. You’ve only just hit the tip of the iceberg. Brandon says that they broke your ribs today, yes?

Billy: They did.

Dungy: Well, it’ll get worse than that. Next, they’ll start working the upper body. You’ll be walking around after school and a group of boys will sneak up behind you with a potato sack. Then they’ll throw the sack over you and beat you about the head and torso with lead pipes.

Billy: JESUS!

Dungy: It gets worse. They’ll continue beating you and stealing your money every day. And then, one day in the spring, you will be alone after showering in the locker room. And you know what will happen then? THEY WILL RAPE YOU. They will hold you down, and they will have their way with you. It’s a show of power. They’ll make a girl of you.

Billy: Why are you telling me this? Stop telling me this.

Dungy: But it gets WORSE. After your rape, your family will shun you completely. Even your Aunt Jenna, who I’m told is a bit of a fag hag. They’ll all see you as damaged goods. They’ll never speak to you again. They’ll never reach out to you. You will be disgraced. Shunned. Alone. To fill the void in your life, you’ll turn to drugs. BAD drugs. Heroin, crack, you name it. You won’t value yourself or your body anymore, and you’ll gladly walk the streets at night, hustling and doling out blowjobs to any man around for drug money.

Billy: LEAVE ME ALONE!

Dungy: (holds Billy down) But it gets WORSE. You’ll sober up in a halfway home and meet a terrific guy named Steve. He’ll be tender, and supportive, and great in bed. You’ll think that you finally found a soul mate. You’ll move to the Village together and rent out a tastefully appointed one bedroom apartment. You’ll be around the gay culture and finally feel like you’re free to be yourself. You’ll host Oscar parties and learn how to make wonderful veal reductions. You’ll think you’ll have it made.

Billy: Well, that doesn’t sound so bad.

Dungy: AND THEN STEVE WILL CHEAT ON YOU WITH LANCE, WHO LIVES JUST TWO FLOORS ABOVE YOU. He’ll have deceived you the whole time. And Steve will have contracted AIDS from Lance and passed it on to YOU. You will go for a blood test and realize that all those years spent having gnarled penises go in and out and in and out of your body has left you riddled with an incurable virus. Steve will deny having AIDS and throw you out of the apartment. You’ll be flat broke, with no place to live, and no way to treat your HIV.

Billy: That’s horrible!

Dungy: IT GETS WORSE. Soon, you’ll discover lesions all over your body. You’ll become fatigued earlier in the day. You’ll lose a drastic amount of weight. People walking along the street with jump away from you, to steer clear of your deadly AIDS breath. You’ll go to a hospital and they’ll refuse to admit you because you lack proper health coverage. Then you’ll crawl into a gutter and spend your final week on Earth slowly deteriorating, begging for help that will never arrive.

Billy: Fuck you!

Dungy: BUT IT GETS WORSE. Homosexuality, as you know, is an abomination in the eyes of God. Your AIDS is but a prelude to the immense pain and suffering you shall experience LASHED TO SATAN’S TORTURE WHEEL. Fire-clad demons will flay your skin. You will be repeatedly raped with barbed clubs. Biohazard will be played on the jukebox THE WHOLE TIME. You will spend the rest of forever in pure, unrelenting anguish. All because you were selfish enough to be gay.

Brandon: He’s right, you know. You must join with Christ today, or it will GET WORSE.

Dungy: Listen to your friend, Billy. He’s looking out for you.

Billy: I can’t believe you’re telling me this.

Dungy: It’s the best way we know of helping you. You can accept Christ now. You can turn to a life of heterosexuality. You can lead the league in normalcy. OR IT CAN ALL GET WORSE. What say you, Billy? What. Say. You?

Billy: Well, I… I guess maybe I was wrong…

Dungy: Yes, yes! That’s it! Take ownership of your choices!

Billy: I guess maybe I should try and be more…

(door flies open)

Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, GAYS?!

Billy: Coach Rex Ryan?

Ryan: Oh! Oh sweet Jesus, I just took a shit and a half. What is this asshole Dungy telling you?

Dungy: You stay out of this, Ryan! YOU ARE NOT A MORAL MAN.

Ryan: Like Hell I ain’t! One time, I was fucking Sally Gill after the homecoming dance and I let my brother Rob get in a charity poke! GOOD MEN KNOW HOW TO SHARE PUSSY.

Billy: Coach Dungy told me everything would get worse if I stayed gay.

Ryan: Oh, please. THAT’S A LOAD OF SHIT! It doesn’t get worse! It gets pant-shittingly better. I coach in New York, Billy. YOU FUCKERS OWN THIS TOWN.

Billy: We do?

Ryan: Sure! And the gays here all look happy and gay to me! They hold hands! They buttfuck in circles! They hit the clubs! Nacho says they get laid more often than he does! AND NACHO IS SWIMMING IN THE PUSSYCHEESE.

Dungy: These are lies! LIES! HEATHEN LIES!

Ryan: Oh, fuck off, you queer asshole!

Dungy: DON’T LISTEN TO HIM, BILLY! IT GETS WORSE!!!! WORSE!!!!!

(disappears in cloud of red smoke)

Ryan: God, he’s such an asshole. Listen to me, Billy. You’re gonna be a GREAT gay. You’re gonna go out there and gay like a fucking CHAMP! Everybody goes through the shit now and then. And you’re right in the thick of it now. It’s like someone stranded you in that growler I dropped this morning. But it doesn’t have to be that way. NOT IF YOU FUCKING ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK! Don’t sit here blubbering on and on about it. You want it better? You fucking make it better. You grab that cock by the horns and you ride it until it’s dead! You got me?

Billy: I guess so. But I dunno. Coach Dungy said…

Ryan: Oh, fuck him. You like the cock, right?

Billy: Yeah.

Ryan: I bet you’ve scored a few decent dicks in your day, right? It ain’t MY thing. I live on pussy like it’s running water. But that’s no big deal. I bet you’ve seen some serious weisswurst in your time, right?

Billy: Well, I…

Ryan: Oh! Oh! Oh, ol’ El Queero has hit the pylon! THAT IS FUCKING GREAT HUSTLE!

(slaps Billy on ass, HARD)

Billy: Ouch!

Ryan: (to Brandon) Fuck off, son.

Brandon: Yes, sir.

Ryan: FUCKING BRING IT IN.

(Billy brings it in)

Ryan: You ain’t no boy, now, Billy. You’re a fucking man. What you did yesterday made it so. Nobody said it would be easy. Nobody said you’d have help along the way. But you can let everyone else take your manhood away, or you can fucking own that shit. YOU ARE A FUCKING MAN TODAY. WHAT ARE YOU?

Billy: I am a man?

Ryan: SAY IT LIKE YOU FUCKING OWN IT!

Billy: I’M A MAN!

Ryan: I want you to go out into that world, and I want you to be the best damn gay you can be. I didn’t burst into this room to coach a gay loser. YOU ARE A FUCKING GAY WINNER. YOU GAY HARD. AND YOU GAY TO WIN. YOU ARE A BIG, STRONG, WIDE-ASSHOLED WINNER WHO’S GONNA MAKE SOMETHING OF HIS GAY LIFE! ARE YOU READY TO FUCKING GAY LIKE A CHAMP?

Billy: I AM!

Ryan: FUCKING GAY ON THREE ONE TWO THREE!!!!!

Billy: GAY!

Ryan: And take this handgun. It’s really all you need to keep the bullies away.

Billy: A gun! Why didn’t I think of that?

Ryan: Because you’re gay. Gays don’t think about guns. They think about flower arrangements and Chinese screens and stuff.

Billy: Thank you, Coach. Thank you so much.

Ryan: No worries. NOW I GOT ANOTHER TWO-TON SHIT TO DROP IN DUNGY’S TRUNK. Don’t tell the other gays about it! You guys like to talk!