HUMOR: What's in? What's out? Find out before 2018 kicks off

Peter Chianca pchianca@wickedlocal.com @pchianca

Tuesday

Dec 26, 2017 at 8:00 AMDec 30, 2017 at 9:13 PM

Having trouble keeping up? Find out what’s in and what’s out as another year kicks off.

We know that feeling like the entire world (or at least the U.S.A.’s little corner of it) is burning down around you can detract from your ability to keep up with the latest trends. But never fear: Even if 2017 has been tumultuous in oh so many ways, that hasn’t stopped us from cataloging the ups and downs of recent developments so you’ll be completely up to date at your next cocktail party or protest rally.

So read on, and discover what's hot and what's not in news, entertainment, lifestyles and life in general. (Although if you’re looking for confirmation that things aren’t as bad as you think, you may want to skip to the funny pages.)

Society & Politics

Well, let’s get this out of the way right off the bat: Donald Trump is still in office. But judging from his poll numbers, he’s out as a politician, a real estate developer, and an accepted member of civilized society. So there’s that.

And actually, his first year in office hasn’t been as bad as some people thought it would be, mainly because he’s gotten barely anything done. Getting things done in Washington is out. (Shock!) One thing he did do, though, is work with a historically unpopular Congress to pass a “tax reform” plan that will supposedly reform our tax dollars directly into the pockets of white men with monocles. White men with monocles are, apparently, in, and always will be. (Just ask them.)

We don’t have enough space to go into how many people in Trump’s orbit are out; Flynn, Bannon, Spicer, even Omarosa are all history. But special counsel Robert Mueller is definitely in, as in, up in Trump’s business. It looks like if Mueller keeps going, Trump may be out -- especially if he has to testify under oath, at which time he will do what he always does: vomit up lies like a frat boy spewing tequila. Frat boys are out. (For all SORTS of reasons.)

Thanks to Trump and Rex “How Did I Get Here?” Tillerson, our relationships with most world leaders are on the outs, except for Vladimir Putin, who thinks we’re just swell and definitely has that tape. In fact, for a while it seemed democracy in general was on its way out, in favor of any number of possible replacements, including oligarchy, plutocracy, or just good old-fashioned despotism. (Despots are in!)

But since the special election in Alabama, wherein voters decided that theocratic, bigoted child-molesters are (just barely by the tiniest margins) out, there’s been some hope that democracy could make a comeback with just a few small tweaks, like suppressing the voting rights of white people for a change.

As a result of all the Roy Moore mishegoss, and the effort to take health care away from everybody, and the aforementioned “tax reform” plan, the GOP is out of favor, even if it is, technically, in power (for now). That’s good news for the Democrats, who are … well, still out, but a little less out than usual.

Establishing stricter common-sense gun laws is in among almost everybody except legislators, who unfortunately are the ones that matter. Apparently listening to your constituents is out. Also out: Confederate monuments, which we’ve only just now realized are ridiculous, like putting up statues of Simon Legree from “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” -- but worse, because at least he was fictional. (If you don’t know what we’re talking about you’ll have to get the Spark Notes -- Spark Notes are in.)

Regardless, opening our eyes to issues of racial inequality is in, even if it’s happening more slowly for some people than others. In the meantime, kneeling during the National Anthem will have to remain in, despite it being out among certain white football fans who, most likely, will not wind up shot if (when?) they get stopped for an OUI on the way home from the game.

In nature, global warming is in, but doing something about global warming is out. As a result hurricanes are in, along with having to be rescued from your roof. But at least when you’re on your roof, you’ll have a nice view of the next solar eclipse. Solar eclipses are in.

And thanks to the president, national monuments and parks are out, especially if President Obama was the one who preserved them. But since Amazon is so in it’s looking for a second headquarters, maybe it should consider locating it at Bears Ears National Monument, where the workers who will be mining uranium there would probably love an Amazon-owned Whole Foods. Whole Foods is in.

Speaking of civilized society, we’re hoping that sexual harassment is on its way out, along with Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Matt Lauer, Louis C.K. … Let’s face it, the only list that’s longer is the one of White House officials Trump has made someone fire. Even Al Franken was forced to resign, and doggone it, people liked him.

We’re also hoping that treating all fellow human beings with dignity and respect, regardless of race, gender, religion or country of origin, is in. But then again, Roy Moore almost won in Alabama, so we’re probably just kidding ourselves. Kidding yourself is in.

And fortunately for all of us, real news is in -- and is making a difference (talking to you, Roy Moore) -- even if certain people continue to refer to it as fake. We know it’s in, because Steven Spielberg made a movie about it with Meryl Streep and Tom Hanks. You don’t get any more in than that.

Entertainment & Celebrities

With its recently announced plans to buy 20th Century Fox, Disney could not be more in -- in your face, that is. Disney is literally everywhere you look, and even when you close your eyes you see little translucent Mickey heads floating through your field of vision. Turns out it’s not Trump we have to worry about -- it’s Walt Disney returning from beyond the grave, his frozen head mounted on top of an animatronic body. Animatronic bodies are in.

In movie theaters, Wonder Woman is in, and why wouldn’t she be? Gal Gadot and director Patty Jenkins proved two things conclusively with their “Wonder Woman” movie: That audiences will flock to a strong, well-written female hero, and that there should be more directors named “Patty.”

As for the rest of the Justice League, sad to say they’re out, and this time you can’t even really blame Aquaman. (Just kidding, of course you can blame him.) Science fiction in general is on the outs, with the “Alien” and “Blade Runner” reboots being met with mehs -- although of course with “The Last Jedi,” “Star Wars” remains in as ever (except among some diehard fans who thought the new movie wasn't Star Wars-y enough, or something). We’ll see if that continues as they keep announcing new “Star Wars” movies every month and a half like they’re Dunkin’ Donuts coffee flavors. (Flavored coffees are out.)

Big monsters, like King Kong, are in, but little monsters, like The Mummy, are out -- bad news for the planned “Dark Universe” monster movie reboot, which is proving darker than anybody intended, albeit less universal. And while comedy comedies are out -- apparently we’re too exhausted to laugh -- horror and superhero comedies, like “Get Out” and “Thor: Ragnarok,” are in. (Yes, we know “Get Out” isn’t really a comedy, but tell that to the Golden Globes. The Golden Globes are out.)

The kids, meanwhile, are flocking to live-action versions of cartoons and anything with a Minion in it -- expect a live-action Minion movie any minute now, followed shortly thereafter by the End Times. And older kids are feasting on anime, the actual Japanese kind that doesn’t have Scarlett Johansson. (But don’t worry, Scarlett Johansson is still in -- not Zendaya-level in, but still pretty in.)

And slowly but surely, movies with, you know, characters and dialogue are coming back in, thanks to films like “Lady Bird,” “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri” and “The Meyerowitz Stories (New and Selected),” the last of which features a much-heralded performance by Adam Sandler. Adam Sandler! We guess he’s in.

On TV, streaming is where it’s at, at least until net neutrality goes away and we find ourselves dragging ourselves from street to street looking for open VHS video stores like strung-out entertainment zombies. (Zombies are out.) And binging shows like “Stranger Things 2,” “GLOW” and “The Crown” all at once is in, especially right before bed so you can have extremely vivid dreams about demogorgons and lady wrestlers. (Not me, other people.)

Cable is out, but streaming cable shows on services like HBO NOW is in -- otherwise how would you be able to watch “Game of Thrones” at the gym? (Gyms are in.) “Game of Thrones” is more in than ever as it heads to its final season, at which point it will presumably go out in a blaze of dragons and nudity, or something. Over on Showtime, “Twin Peaks” is in, even if it doesn’t make much more sense than the original “Twin Peaks.” As long as there’s pie, we’re good with it. (Pie is in.)

Reboots and returns in general are in, especially on the stodgy old (and out) networks, starting with “Will & Grace” and hopefully ending with “Dynasty.” (“Dynasty” without Joan Collins is like fat-free ice cream -- what’s the point? Fat-free ice cream is out.)

Meanwhile, while superhero movies are in, superhero TV is out -- “Iron Fist” was Marvel’s first critical flop on Netflix, and ABC’s “The Inhumans” seemed like it was made by cosplayers who took over a TV studio but didn’t know what to do next. (But don’t worry, cosplay is still in.)

On late night, politically minded hosts like Stephen Colbert and John Oliver are in, and merry jester Jimmy Fallon is out -- although in a perfect world Samantha Bee would be the late night host to rule us all. But it doesn’t matter, since nobody’s watching TV anyway -- they’re watching YouTube, where Liza Koshy is dishing out impressions and parodies to her 13 million subscribers (average Fallon audience: 2.75 million. Doh!).

Of course, on YouTube you don’t necessarily have to be funny to get an audience -- you can just be really good at Minecraft, like PrestonPlayz, who has almost 6 million subscribers who … wait for it … watch him play Minecraft. (Minecraft is in.) Then there’s Jake Paul, the former Disney Channel star whom many credit (?) with inspiring the 75 percent of children ages 6-17 who now say they want to grow up to be YouTubers. (Hopefully at least a few of the other 25 percent want to be doctors, or else we may be in trouble. Needing doctors is still in.)

In the music world, streaming is also the way to go -- while vinyl sales are still up among people desperately clinging to tactile vestiges of a long-forgotten youth (we know who we are), CDs are mostly being used as Frisbees. (Frisbees are in.)

Rock music, sadly, is out, with guitars also apparently being used as Frisbees. Bruce Springsteen is off the road and on Broadway, so being on Broadway is in. But classic rockers like Tom Petty, Greg Allman, AC/DC’s Malcolm Young -- and of course Chuck Berry -- are shuffling off this mortal coil with alarming regularity, and no one is coming up to take their place. This would explain why everybody wants to grow up to be a YouTuber.

But pop, rap and R&B are in, with stars like Bruno Mars, Ed Sheeran and Kendrick Lamar leading the way, and Taylor Swift being the queen to rule them all, because there’s a new Taylor Swift album, and it’s the law. (But don’t worry, Beyonce is still in.) Country music is also in, led primarily by Chris Stapleton’s beard.

Earworms are in, thanks to songs like “Havana” by Camila Cabella and “Feel It Still” by Portugal. The Man. (Also in: odd punctuation.) Meanwhile Cardi B is the in role model if you want your child to grow up to be a horrible person, and Lady Gaga the singer is out, but Stefani Germanotta the actress -- coming soon to “A Star is Born” -- is in. And Katy Perry is somehow out, although we figure that’s only temporary until Taylor Swift goes back into her between-album cocoon.

Video games are in, except the ones where you have to pay-as-you-go to get new characters, -- like “Star Wars: Battlefront,” where if you don’t shell out $$ you could wind up playing the whole game as Mon Mothma. (Look it up.) Virtual reality is out, though, mainly because people realized there are plenty of ways to get nauseous without having to strap a giant visor to your head. For instance, watching Jake Paul on YouTube.

And as for celebrities, none of them matter anymore -- even those pregnant Kardashians -- because it is Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s world, and all the other celebrities just live in it, along with the rest of us. Long live the, um, HarMarkle!

Sports & Lifestyle

In the wide, wide world of sports, the Patriots continue to ride the momentum of their come-from-waaaaay-behind victory in last year’s Super Bowl, although every time Tom Brady takes a hit you can just hear the doomsayers at ESPN rubbing their little palms together, wondering if this will finally be the one that crumbles his aging, kale-enhanced bones to dust.

The New York Giants, meanwhile, are the anti-Patriots, finding new and original ways to lose week after week. It may be time for Eli Manning to hang up his cleats and join brother Peyton on those Nationwide commercials, where they can jingle together. (Jingles are in.)

Basketball excitement is in, with the Celtics streaking and Lebron plotting his next move. And baseball excitement is in thanks to some dynamic young teams -- especially the Yankees, who will have the one-two punch of Aaron Judge and Giancarlo Stanton, much to the chagrin of Red Sox fans. (Among Red Sox fans, chagrin is in.) And hockey excitement … is not a thing.

Or at least men’s hockey. Women’s hockey is on the move, with the National Women’s Hockey League, founded in 2015, looking to expand next year. Of course what the sport could really use is a combined league, where women could check some men into the boards. How cathartic would THAT be? (Catharsis is in.)

With the U.S. seeing an early exit from the World Cup, soccer is out around these parts, except among the approximately 30 million youth soccer players who, if they ever organized, would be an unstoppable force for evil. And tennis -- still out.

Online, we’d like to say that social media is out, but every time we think it’s out it pulls us back in! Being addicted to likes is in. As a result, being glued to our smartphones is still in, to the point where if we see someone sitting alone on a bench just taking in their surroundings and enjoying a moment of quiet solace, we assume they must be a psychopath. (Psychopaths are out.)

“Home assistants” are in -- the electronic kind, not the old-fashioned ones like Hazel. (Look it up.) They’re a great way to turn up the volume of your music without getting off the couch, while at the same time giving Deep State surveillance a direct line into your living room. The Deep State is in.

Among the youngsters, finding any stupid activity that can allow you to put off doing homework is in, be it fidget spinning, flipping water bottles or dabbing. (We’re done telling you to look these things up.) The in toy is Fingerlings, which for the purposes of this article we’re going to assume isn’t something obscene.

At the supermarket, plastic bags are out, to the point where they’ve actually been banned in many towns. As a result, stealing shopping carts will probably be in. But otherwise polluting is in, or at least not worth getting all worked up about -- just ask the EPA, which is probably out on the golf course somewhere, dabbing.

For fitness, yoga is in, be it Bikram, Hatha, Hot, Goat -- if you’re twisting your body into an awkward position while balancing on one foot, it’s in. But plodding along on a treadmill for an hour is out -- just try doing THAT with a goat.

Art is in, especially Leonardo Da Vinci -- his painting “Salvator Mundi” recently sold for $450 million. If that’s out of your price range, you can still find a sad clown painting on Etsy for $10.75. (Six of one, half dozen of the other.) Etsy is in.

And finally, we saved the best for last: Books are back in! According to the Association of American Publishers, print book sales are up for the third year in a row, thanks to superstar authors like John Green and superstar failed politicians like Hillary Clinton -- and also the aforementioned people desperately clinging to tactile vestiges of a long-forgotten youth (see “vinyl records,” above).

Now if we can just do that for newspapers. Let’s get on that, people -- all this real news doesn’t pay for itself!