Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.

I have been no contact with my mother and sister stepdad, and brothers for two years because of lies and guilt trips and manipulation, triangulation. All I asked for was an apology and never got one till tonight, when my sister calls me to tell me my mother is dying and she is sorry. What the hell do I do? Forget the crap they put me thru? I love my mother and Im crying so hard I can hardly write this. What does a daughter do, who has gone no contact to protect herself and now I feel so guilty.

I have been no contact with my mother and sister stepdad, and brothers for two years because of lies and guilt trips and manipulation, triangulation. All I asked for was an apology and never got one till tonight, when my sister calls me to tell me my mother is dying and she is sorry. What the hell do I do? Forget the crap they put me thru? I love my mother and Im crying so hard I can hardly write this. What does a daughter do, who has gone no contact to protect herself and now I feel so guilty.

Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26795288

yep, i lived on that planet.you don't have to forget, but you should forgive. do it for you, and for her so she can go in peace.go say your goodbyes.

I have been no contact with my mother and sister stepdad, and brothers for two years because of lies and guilt trips and manipulation, triangulation. All I asked for was an apology and never got one till tonight, when my sister calls me to tell me my mother is dying and she is sorry. What the hell do I do? Forget the crap they put me thru? I love my mother and Im crying so hard I can hardly write this. What does a daughter do, who has gone no contact to protect herself and now I feel so guilty.

Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26795288

yep, i lived on that planet.you don't have to forget, but you should forgive. do it for you, and for her so she can go in peace.go say your goodbyes.

Quoting: Salt

Couldn't have said it better myself.

"My religious belief teaches me to feel as safe in battle as in bed. God has fixed the time for my death. I do not concern myself about that, but to be always ready, no matter when it may overtake me. ... That is the way all men should live, and then all would be equally brave." - General Thomas Jonathan "Stonewall" Jackson

You fought through hell to regain your power, and you're going to let her have another go at it one last time? Why give her a free pass to happiness and fuck you up for the next ten years?

Her actions were her own, you shouldn't have to suffer, again, so that she can die in peace. She had ample time to repair her mistakes, but chose not to. She should pass with the knowledge that she fucked up. Its her cross to bare, not yours.

You said they put you through loads of crap. In these hard times, are any of they, apart from your mother, showed any remorse for what they did to you? I bet not. They're only looking for someone to blame and whos better than the black sheep of the family.

I have been no contact with my mother and sister stepdad, and brothers for two years because of lies and guilt trips and manipulation, triangulation. All I asked for was an apology and never got one till tonight, when my sister calls me to tell me my mother is dying and she is sorry. What the hell do I do? Forget the crap they put me thru? I love my mother and Im crying so hard I can hardly write this. What does a daughter do, who has gone no contact to protect herself and now I feel so guilty.

Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26795288

I have no understanding as to why you may be feeling 'so guilty'.

Your mother lied, and they sided with her. 'They' are the ones who should be 'feeling guilty' if anything.

I do agree with the others that you should 'forgive' and seek to make peace. I don't think it necessarily needs to be done in person though, if you're not up to it. Go with what you feel is the best way to proceed.

I have been no contact with my mother and sister stepdad, and brothers for two years because of lies and guilt trips and manipulation, triangulation. All I asked for was an apology and never got one till tonight, when my sister calls me to tell me my mother is dying and she is sorry. What the hell do I do? Forget the crap they put me thru? I love my mother and Im crying so hard I can hardly write this. What does a daughter do, who has gone no contact to protect herself and now I feel so guilty.

Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26795288

Hon..I'm in my fifties. My mother was much like yours; she died when I was 20. I can tell you unequivocally--going home to say goodbye to your mother isn't the same as deciding all that happened "didn't count". Its important that you forgive your family members, but that doesn't mean you have any obligation to go back to the way things were.

Its been my experience that narcissists don't "get well". They don't see themselves as sick in the first place. I wouldn't be looking for any magical reconciliations in going home but--it will give you peace of mind regarding your mother and--thats invaluable.

They don't have to get well for you to heal. Sweetie..go on home; do what you need to do.

I have been no contact with my mother and sister stepdad, and brothers for two years because of lies and guilt trips and manipulation, triangulation. All I asked for was an apology and never got one till tonight, when my sister calls me to tell me my mother is dying and she is sorry. What the hell do I do? Forget the crap they put me thru? I love my mother and Im crying so hard I can hardly write this. What does a daughter do, who has gone no contact to protect herself and now I feel so guilty.

Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26795288

First, sweetie...do not feel guilty.

Secondly, go to your Mother's side now.

Thirdly, know u are not alone in this...many have done what you did to protect your heart, but be done with it for now.

Protect your soul by seeing your Mother before she departs this earth.

Damned if you do Damned if you don't.......I would rather be Damned if I don't and be happy. I waited my whole life for my mom to tell me she loves me, I'm 43. She finally did in her death bed, I didn't respond.....on purpose. And I don't feel bad or have regrets. I did learn from her, I learned I will never ever be like her with my kids. No free pass even with her going to church will all her evilness. Jesus doesn't want her. She didn't take care for her gift from God. What ever....forgive and forget now prove it one last time. Screw that!

I have been no contact with my mother and sister stepdad, and brothers for two years because of lies and guilt trips and manipulation, triangulation. All I asked for was an apology and never got one till tonight, when my sister calls me to tell me my mother is dying and she is sorry. What the hell do I do? Forget the crap they put me thru? I love my mother and Im crying so hard I can hardly write this. What does a daughter do, who has gone no contact to protect herself and now I feel so guilty.

Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26795288

yep, i lived on that planet.you don't have to forget, but you should forgive. do it for you, and for her so she can go in peace.go say your goodbyes.

Quoting: Salt

I wasn't sure what to advise you, but when I read this, I said "yes, that's it." All the best to you, OP.

Hi there my father is an N. I have siblings too who are as well and to no suprise spent all my adult life with one (MAN) trying to make it work. Now I see that this was my issue of trying to change other people. I can only change me and the people I choose to have close to me. I really know that the depth I have, and continue to reach has given me so much richness in my life.I choose to think of it as my spiritual job to love myself and know myself and for some reason was born into this family to really get that. Without this father or family or even the X, i.e. all the narcissists, I would not have learned what it truly means to be myself and love myself unconditionally. Now I see the narcissists as truly spiritually sick or even without a soul and I feel so blessed to not have to know what that is like. Sounds like Hell on earth in truth. I am self reliant now and do not crave the love of sick unavailable people anymore. Please understand, this is a process. My compassion was my weakness in a sense before due to thinking the abusers must be so tormented. Yes, I believe they are. But, I have learned boundaries and never have to tolerate or accept name calling, lies, etc... My motto is I am here for you guys for support and love only. Go see your mother. She is a sick soul who only has power if you accept that lie. She, nor any ill meaning person has the power. We were once too young to challenge them. But, not anymore. You are informed and grown and she is dying and her life is over . Go live yours fully with a heart loaded with love and compassion for those with open hearts who love you as well!

I have been no contact with my mother and sister stepdad, and brothers for two years because of lies and guilt trips and manipulation, triangulation. All I asked for was an apology and never got one till tonight, when my sister calls me to tell me my mother is dying and she is sorry. What the hell do I do? Forget the crap they put me thru? I love my mother and Im crying so hard I can hardly write this. What does a daughter do, who has gone no contact to protect herself and now I feel so guilty.

Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26795288

yep, i lived on that planet.you don't have to forget, but you should forgive. do it for you, and for her so she can go in peace.go say your goodbyes.

I have been no contact with my mother and sister stepdad, and brothers for two years because of lies and guilt trips and manipulation, triangulation. All I asked for was an apology and never got one till tonight, when my sister calls me to tell me my mother is dying and she is sorry. What the hell do I do? Forget the crap they put me thru? I love my mother and Im crying so hard I can hardly write this. What does a daughter do, who has gone no contact to protect herself and now I feel so guilty.

Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26795288

yep, i lived on that planet.you don't have to forget, but you should forgive. do it for you, and for her so she can go in peace.go say your goodbyes.

This may not be popular, but go to see your mother. Make it very plain to their others how you feel and don't even talk to them.If you don't see your mom, you will probably regret it.Make it plain to the others they can go to hell.

I have been no contact with my mother and sister stepdad, and brothers for two years because of lies and guilt trips and manipulation, triangulation. All I asked for was an apology and never got one till tonight, when my sister calls me to tell me my mother is dying and she is sorry. What the hell do I do? Forget the crap they put me thru? I love my mother and Im crying so hard I can hardly write this. What does a daughter do, who has gone no contact to protect herself and now I feel so guilty.

Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26795288

eeyuh, had similar experience, they slapped a DNR sign on her bed and my siblings who she favoured and helped all their lives weren't gonna do anything about it, so suddenly I wasn't so bad after all.

Been in your shoes except that my mom is BPD... Her anger and aggression kept me from spending time with my sweet father the last year of his life. (He had a brain tumor.) She cheated me from a great deal..........nothing she could ever do could make up for what she took.

But, as they say, holding a grudge is the equivalent of poisoning myself to kill her.

So, I have forgiven her. She has NOT asked for forgiveness. She has not said she is sorry. Yet, I treat her with kindness and without a painful grudge. That way I don't have the burden of even more guilt...(as I have carried soooo much over the years!)

Do the "right" thing. Hold your head high for having make the "bigger" choice.

Took me a long time to realize it, but He was all I ever really needed...