Today, while making love to my wife, she fell asleep - I only noticed because she started snoring…MLIC

Today, I received a cellphone text message saying "I think u really hot! Will u go out w/me?". I braged about my secret admirer to my friends all day saying that my love life was finally picking up. Around 10 minutes later I finally get the courage to respond by saying "well arent u a sweet boy." Then I get a text saying " BOY!!!! What r u talking about I am a girl!!!"…MLIC

Today, my boyfriend hands me over a christmas present which he says he can’t wait for me to use. What did he get me? A dildo…and when I ask him why it’s not in it’s original package he tells me he got it at a garage sale…MLIC

My Posts Have Won Awards. Can Any Of You Claim The Same? -ur_next_ex"I don't have pet peeves. I have major psychotic fucking hatreds, okay". ~George Carlin

Today, I tell my boyfriend that I’m happy he’s not a jealous person. He tells me that in truth he is, but that he feels safe as no one else is interested in me…MLIC

Today, to have a laugh I changed my birthdate on my Facebook profile to see who would fall for it - my mom, dad, sister and girlfriend all wished me a "Happy birthday"…MLIC

Today, I got an "F" on my term paper I had worked on for weeks, because the teacher found the exact same one on the internet - except that I’m the one who put it on the net to help others out…MLIC

Today, I met a girl in a bar and tried my best to be charming. Before leaving I ask for her phone number and she gives it without hesitation. I tried calling the next day but all I could get through was a help line for schizophrenics…MLIC

Today, I’m a bit confused…I received a text message from my mom saying: "baby, come on over; my husband isn’t here so hurry if you want to take advantage of me" - I wasn’t meant to receive this was I?…MLIC

Today, I came home from college for Thanksgiving and accidentally left my facebook account open on the family computer. Now my entire hardcore Southern Baptist family knows I’m gay…MLIC

Today, after complaining of not going often enough, my husband took me to the cinema, left me there and came back two hours later to pick me up…MLIC

Today, or actually last night…after a wild night out that left me dead drunk I stumbled home, or so I thought as I walked right into my neighbors electric fence…MLIC

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 3 years toghether, because our relationship was "too weird"…when I asked him what that meant he said he needed to figure it out and that he’d get back to me…MLIC

Today, I work in a bank and we have a new member of staff I have to train. Near the end of her shift I hand her a check to be filed and two pieces of papers to shred. Yes, she shred the check and filed the sheets of paper…MLIC

Today, my car ran out of gas while driving in the middle of nowhere - could happen to anyone I guess except I work at a gas station…MLIC

Today, my girlfriends parents offered me $1000 to leave their daughter alone, saying she could do much better…MLIC

Today, I’m so broke I’ve had to join as many clubs as possible at college just to be able to eat something on a daily basis…MLIC

Today, after countless hours seeing a shrink, I was told that I am insecure and that I talked too much…MLIC

Today, I asked my 7 year old daughter if she’ll continue visiting us when she’s older…she replied: "you mean at the cemetery, sure why not"…MLIC

Today, I wanted to wake up my husband in a manner that would make him happy all day if you know what I mean; it surprised him and by reflex he kneed me in the face…MLIC

Today, my boyfriend spent all day on the internet playing poker, after discovering it 3 months ago. Sick and tired of not getting any attention I give him an ultimatum: “James, it’s your poker or it’s me…you choose!!!”. His response, “you’re bluffing!!!”…MLIC