Monthly Archives: April 2007

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First of all, I can report that our trial separation has accomplished what it was supposed to: it gave both Bryan and I time to gain some perspective on our relationship and see where we were each responsible for creating the situation. Communication is critical, but if we are not clear on our own wants, needs, and responsibilities, we can communicate until the cows come home and still not address the real problems.

I’m deeply grateful that we both got clear on a few critical things. It gives our relationship new hope. It’s a good thing.

Work, on the other hand, is giving me fits. In the latest round of alignment with our new American overlords, “title mapping” was addressed. In short, because I am neither an engineer or a senior-level employee, I am no longer eligible for either bonus or stock options. Note that I was previously eligible for both and that my compensation reduction is purely policy driven. It’s yet another example of the cult of the engineer and I am fucking pissed off about it. I don’t know what to do. I am aware that there will always be something that bugs me about my job—I’ve been alive too long not to notice that one. But getting my compensation cut simply because my title does not map properly has seriously demotivated me. Why should I give a shit about them when, quite obviously, the corporation really doesn’t give a shit about me? In a way, it’s a very good reminder that I do work for a corporation and corporations don’t give a shit about anyone. They are not entities capable of caring. Humans care, and my immediate manager has been very supportive, but neither one of us are going to change the corporate mindset.

So, just as the corporation I work for has to keep its bottom line in mind when it makes decisions, so do I. Is my current position the best option currently available to me, for the good of my own career and my family? Just as the corporation has a fiduciary duty to its shareholders, so do I have a fiduciary duty to my family. Apparently, it took this slap in the face to remind me of this fact.

I guess, in a way, I can be grateful for that. Deluding myself that my company really cares about me is not good for me or my family. And they are my number one priority.

Pronunciation: 'gEk
Function: noun
Etymology: probably from English dialect geek, geck fool, from Low German geck, from Middle Low German1: a carnival performer often billed as a wild man whose act usually includes biting the head off a live chicken or snake2: a person often of an intellectual bent who is disliked3: an enthusiast or expert especially in a technological field or activity geek>

I don’t know, but it’s a question I want to answer. That’s not entirely true—I have some ideas:

I want to have a healthy and fit body. I don’t like the fact that I’m as heavy as I am. Progress is being made on this front.

I want to have a happy and healthy relationship. ‘Nuf said.

I want to be a good mom.

I want to be successful in my job.

I want to enjoy financial success in my life.

Okay, so maybe I do know where I want to go. What I don’t know is how to get there. As I’m writing this, I hear the voice of the Dalai Lama in my head: “Humans all simply want to be happy and free from suffering.”

Ayup. And I do know where that starts—it’s a little round black cushion that belongs under my ass.

Today’s koan: how can things be in such turmoil and still be okay? Yet they are, when I allow myself to see it.

You scored as Pocahontas. You are Pocahontas. You defy convention and sometimes do what is considered taboo. Unfortunately, others do not always appreciate your differences, so it’s good that you are so strong-willed. You are loyal and you believe in fate. Your true love will find you one day.