Mad Aunt Bernards Tortoise Poetry

"The page to come and visit for a fabulously sensible intake of poetry straight from the divinest of inspiration - and it's only a bit tortoisy. A cracking good read if you're under anaesthetic."Lord Elpus - The Guardian

Saturday, April 4

Mary Table

Mary Table with your feet,and hip and wooden eyes,we know your coming round the cornerfrom your moans and heavy sighs.At the bus stop you're the worst by farmuch poorlier than the rest,then you cough and retch all over usand you don't even wear a vest.With a Vicks Sinex up every nose,and a Lemsip who knows where?dressings and plasters on everythingand hot water bottles in your underwear.Don't fly or you'll get 'DVD's' you say,and the train gives you the flu,and as for the woman dead from pneumonia,she didn't have it as bad as you.You're a medical oddity, you really are,with the St. Vitus Dance you still stood,and the Christmas Cholera you had last year,that didn't stop you eating xmas pud.You'll always have something dreadful,a rash, or a deadly racking cough.but be thankful you're still alive,and that none of your bits have dropped off.

Flying Saucers??

Children in the 1800's were told that these stationary tortoises were 'flying saucers' that had simply broken down, and were allowed to work on them in their garages after school. They never got them started and were told by adults that they couldn't order the right parts.

Inclement Mood

Never tell a tortoise he has a 'wattly chin'. They get very upset and and are the fifth animal most likely to start road rage incidents.

-
*Precious Stones*
I made a pile of gems for every nation
Each stone was perfect truth, beyond compare
And then I sent each race an invitation
It said, “Ple...

3 years ago

Juan De La Vega

Juan De La Vega was very surprised when the tortoise, who'd been dormant for three hours, suddenly pounced and killed him on it's pointy horns. It apparently didn't like red rags, and didn't feel like 'coming out of his shell'.

Tortoise Day

Hoorah! Tortoise Day - Taken by Mrs Enid Rack of the Reptile Wives' Club

Tortoise Polo

Children became weary of this passtime, it never delivered the speeds it promised, and a proper mallet was never provided. It was a fib, perpetuated by adults - it was the flying saucers all over again.