The end (again)

I felt absolutely certain I could love him again. I tried to forget. I felt that I could conquer the past. But I couldn’t. And something was missing. The trust? The original love we had? I wasn’t sure, but being so unsure, standing on such shaky ground was enough. I was even having nightmares about him breaking up with me again, telling me “this just wasn’t working.” I would wake up in a terrible mood and try to explain, but he couldn’t calm my fears. His words weren’t enough.

This time the end was my decision and it came after weeks and weeks of silent thoughts in my head. I tried to share them with him, but realized that I had to either a) accept the past and completely move on in order to love him as he loved us or b) end the relationship because I owed that much to all three of us.

In the end the voices and the dreams won and John and I’s relationship lost.

Benjamin is spending this week at his father’s, next week in Montana with me, and then another week at his father’s. I haven’t told him yet, but this entire time John has been re-introduced as a “friend” only. I’m confident all three of us will survive and be just fine.

It won’t be easy being a 100% single mom again, but managing a relationship on top of everything else seemed more challenging at times than operating solo. So, for now, I’m retiring my hat on relationships for a while and just focusing on the relationship that matters most – my relationship with Benjamin. And I’m incredibly happy about that. We’re right were we need to be. There’s no sense in fixing something that isn’t broken.

I’m sorry I have been so silent lately, but now you know why. Please don’t lose faith in relationships or recovering broken relationships. There is hope, I just wasn’t strong enough to overcome the past and at the end of the day John and I’s foundation was not strong enough.