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Satirical & Poetic Musings Of A Self-Proclaimed Nobel Prize Winner

Following Jesus: A Special Arm Chair Pontificator Report

Hello. My name is Guillermo Gumshoe. I’m an ace reporter for TACP. I’ve just spent the last three days following Jesus around, and I’m here to tell you all about it. I will transcribe my notes, verbatim, so you can better see these events as I did when they were first happening.

02/22

Chicago: Pete’s Liquor Emporium: Broadway & Belmont.

10:00 PM: My source at the Archdiocese tells me Jesus stops by Pete’s Liquors every night at ten. He wasn’t lying. Jesus just got out of a Yellow Taxi and entered the store.

Jesus’ Favorite Liquor Store

10:15 PM: Jesus has come out of the store with two brown bags. He waves down another cab. I get in my car and follow.

10:40 PM: Wrigley Field.

Jesus is climbing over the back gate of Wrigley and entering the ball park. I follow. Jesus is on the pitcher’s mound when I see him next. Drinking what appears to be vodka, straight from the bottle. I’m hiding in the bleachers. Jesus waves his hand. The whole fucking stadium is now full of screaming Cubs fans. Jesus is in a Cubs uniform pitching to a guy in a Yankee’s uniform. Jesus strikes him out.

Jesus As Cubs Pitcher

The crowd goes insane. “We just won the World Series” a guy next to me says. He slaps me on the back and hands me a beer. It’s cold and tastes good. I notice it is hot in the stadium and the sun is out. But I know it’s February and it’s night-time. Then, out of nowhere, I hear Harry Carry, the long time Cubs announcer who died perhaps 15 years ago, start singing “Take Me Out To The Ball Game.”When he stops, it’s cold and dark again; the ball park is empty, and I see Jesus crawling back out over the back wall. I follow.

Harry Carry: Back For A Song

1:10 AM: Jesus enters an alley across from Wrigley Field. He gives a homeless guy the rest of his vodka and hails another cab. I quickly get in my car and follow. We drive to a motel on Lincoln Ave. Jesus gets a room for the night and enters. I watch the light in the room go out; then fall asleep in my car.

02/23

Lincoln Motel Parking Lot: Lincoln and Kedzie.

9:30 AM

Jesus comes out of his motel room eating a bagel. Looks up. Waves his hand. It is Summer again. Warm. Maybe Mid-July. We’re in a zoo, or so I think, at first. Then I realize we’re on a boat, a big boat filled with animals and at sea. I hear Jesus yell out, “Hey! Moses! Where’s the $6.50 you owe me on the game from last night?” Moses appears from out of a room marked, “LOO,” and yells,”Screw you, Jesus! You can’t pitch a game yourself then expect me to pay on a bet when you win. You’re God. You can do anything. You know, like drown a bunch of fuckers you created cause you don’t like how they turned out.” Jesus retorts,”You’ve got me there, my old friend. I’m just fucking with you. Thought you could use a laugh or two.

Animals Inside The Ark

Thought it might help cheer you up and take your mind off the fact you have to deal with tons of animal shit for the next few months. Oh, well. Sorry about that, Old Fella. I gotta go.” Jesus waves his hand. I’m back in my car in the lot of the motel. Does he know I’m following him? Did he put on that show for me?

5:00 PM

I’m inside the Chicago Shakespeare Company’s theater, on Chicago’s Navy Pier. I followed Jesus here earlier from the motel. When we got inside the theater, he waved his hand, and filled every seat with a patron. He also filled the stage with actors performing Shakespeare’s “Henry V.” Jesus is playing Henry. He’s giving the “St. Crispin’s Day” speech now. He’s fucking really good too. Really good. The whole damn cast is good. And it looks like they’re having a blast up there.

6:30 PM

The play ended and Jesus waved his hand. Theater returned to empty. We’re outside. Jesus hails a cab. I grab another and follow. Does he know I’m doing this? Does he mind? Hope not. Jesus’ cab pulls up in front of a Hair Salon called, “Mary Magdalene’s New Testament Styles.” Jesus goes inside. A very beautiful young woman runs up and kisses him passionately. He waves his hand.

Mary Magdalene: Jesus’ Gal

02/24

10:00 AM: Lincoln Motel Parking Lot.

I wake up, and I’m in my car in the motel parking lot again. It’s the next morning. He knows. He saw me and wanted privacy so he knocked me out ’til today. I see Jesus coming out of his room. He’s alone. He waves his hand. We’re suddenly in the movie “Star Wars.” I mean IN it. I’m Luke Skywalker in my X-Wing Fighter. Jesus is Darth Vader chasing me around the Death Star in his Tie fighter as I try to blow it up.

Death Star Chase

The feeling is exhilarating. I’ve never felt anything like it. I blow up the Death Star and Jesus waves his hand. I wake up at 10:00 PM on 02/22. I’m on the corner of Broadway and Belmont. Pete’s Liquor Emporium is across the street. I watch Jesus come out of it with two brown bags. He stops. Looks at me and waves; then he walks off, much too quickly for me to follow.

02/22

11:30 PM

I’m home. At my computer. I’m writing about my brief experience of following Jesus around, through time even, apparently. I’m amazed by it, and, I’ve really gotta say, it was a lot of fun, inexplicably odd and exhilarating, and a whole lot of fun.

Well, Mary Magdalene is hotter than she looked in my illustrated children’s bible from a few decades ago…and why doesn’t the bible never mention all the shit shoveling that must have gone on on that famous ark?

Anyway, great read…Jesus leads a more exciting life than I do, that’s for sure;)

Jesus? Nope. He’s a busy dude. Gotta send over to your blog to put a gag of some kind on Bobbie. It’s scary how thick the calcium is in some people’s skulls. “Hey! Look at me! I’m an ignorant idiot, AND I’m NEVER going to stop tossing that in your face!” Ugh!

Naw. Those guys are too flexible. Christ, Hindu’s have like 3 million gods or something. There are some Buddhist sects that get squirrely, but nothing like Christianity and Islam. Certain sects of Judaism too, I guess. But those folks never ram their crap down my throat. It’s that aspect I hate. And that’s true of atheists or anyone else.