Obama Health Care Speech Advance Transcript

This Wednesday President Obama hopes to puncture the cloud of misinformation and distrust regarding his plans to reform the national health care program. He’s turned things around before with big speeches, but that was during a presidential campaign. Now he’s got to get legislation from a number of politicians who are eyeing reelection next year. It’s a greatly anticipate speech and we’re pleased to have gotten an advance transcript.

Sergeant at Arms: Any Representatives whose parents do not wish them to see this speech are now excused from this session. Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States!

President Obama: Thank you, Madam Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, good guys and assholes. I’m not going to say who the assholes are by name, as we need to keep pretending to be working together on this health care bill, but let’s just say there are some characters who claim they’re working on a bipartisan plan with us who turn around and say I’m out to kill people’s grandmothers. One Senator I’m particularly pissed at is Senator…Assley-Gray, let’s call him. You might think I’m using Pig-Latin, but I’m really just describing the guy’s pallor.

Speaking of pallor, I notice that “pink” and “red” are the new “black.” I don’t recall Clinton getting all this “socialism” business, so I’ve got to wonder why I’m being called a commie. Let me tell you, we could have gotten a lot more socialist with this health care plan, but we went with the same Frankenstein’s monster private/public hybrid we tried last time, because let’s face it, Democracy’s a farce paid for by big money. Clinton got “there’s got to be a better way.” I get “this guy’s Stalin.”

Well, it’s time to quit “Stalin” on health care. (Pause for laughter.) Now, there’s no way the public option is going to fly, not in today’s hyperventilated atmosphere, but if I totally admit it, then we’ll all be arguing about some other crucial element that needs to be killed. So let’s go with some gimmick like a “trigger” or some other fig-leaf for me to cover my ass with on the left, and that way we can still pass a plan, that might not contain costs, but still make me look good.

The truth is, all these mandates and options and such are just a shell game to cover up what we really need to do, which is lower the cost of Medicare. Everything else is pretty fundable, but with the baby boomers getting old, and old people wanting everything done possible to keep them even remotely alive until way past their due date, well, the whole thing becomes unsustainable. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Old people are selfish and ignorant.

Yes, it’ll be nice to give some poor people Healthcare, but what we’re really doing is kicking the can down the road, because any suggestion of getting savings out of Medicare is called “killing Grandma.” No one seems to care about killing Grandpa, for some reason.

Also, they really don’t care about grandkids. The kids are going to get some crazy amount of debt, and when the dollar finally collapses because the Chinese switch to the Euro, they’re going to have high taxes, inflation, and a bloated Medicare system they’ll have to finally chop down to size. The executives from the insurance companies will be living in a walled city of privilege, so you won’t be able to get that money back. There’ll probably also be some hideous disease plaguing the planet, spread by a wave of refugees from islands destroyed by the rising oceans of a dystopian future, but that’s a different speech.

So in closing, let me reiterate: Old people are selfish, and the young are doomed. Let’s kick the can down the road, pass some rudimentary health care plan so I can take credit. We’ll still be the worst nation in the developed world to get sick in, but at least we won’t be some third world evil joke. That’s the bar, people, let’s get over it.

Oh yeah. God bless you, even the assholes, and God bless the United States of America.