Lloyd Garver: Bang, bang, you’re dressed

Lloyd Garver

Friday

Apr 27, 2012 at 12:01 AMApr 27, 2012 at 5:27 PM

For those of you who are worried that the fashion industry is ignoring America's gun owners, stop worrying. According to a recent article in the New York Times, Woolrich, the long-established clothing company, is now making clothes that come with a place to hide handguns and other weapons. So the next time you're doing your holiday shopping, you might hear the customer in front of you saying, "I'd like to buy a pair of pants with cuffs, a low rise, and a gun holster waistband. And please wrap that as a Christmas gift."

For those of you who are worried that the fashion industry is ignoring America's gun owners, stop worrying. According to a recent article in the New York Times, Woolrich, the long-established clothing company, is now making clothes that come with a place to hide handguns and other weapons. So the next time you're doing your holiday shopping, you might hear the customer in front of you saying, "I'd like to buy a pair of pants with cuffs, a low rise, and a gun holster waistband. And please wrap that as a Christmas gift."

Woolrich makes it clear that this clothing is not for self-styled commandos. Instead, it is for the "fashion aware gun owner." I guess that means soon there will be fashion shows with models walking down the runway wearing Glock-concealing thongs.

Several other clothing manufacturers now make clothes for people who carry concealed handguns who have been annoyed by that pesky gun bulge in traditional clothes. What's the point of carrying a concealed weapon if your clothes don't allow it to be concealed?

The sales of this kind of clothing has increased dramatically over the past few years as more and more states have allowed people to carry concealed weapons. I've never understood the point of carrying a concealed weapon for protection. If you really want to deter someone from attacking you or robbing your house, wouldn't they be more discouraged if they saw you were carrying a gun? You know, as in, "I'm not going to mess with that guy. He's got a gun." I'm sure I'll become enlightened on this when I receive explanations from those readers who carry concealed weapons. I just hope they are wearing clothes that allow them to email comfortably while carrying.

Under Armour is another company that will soon be weapons-fashionable. Under Armour is known for its athletic wear. Soon, fans will be able to wear their weapon hiding Under Armour clothes while attending high school, college, and pro sports games. This is great, because there's not enough fan violence at sporting events.

Fans? Wait a minute. Why limit weapon hiding clothes to the fans at games? How about the players? Wouldn't they be perfect for athletes who want a little extra protection? I can hear the slogan now: "Sometimes a helmet and shoulder pads just aren't enough." Crowds won't be limited to shouting, "Defense, Defense" during games. Soon they'll be crying out, "Self-defense, Self-defense."

I'm sure aggressive manufacturers will not forget another important demographic: babies. The National Rifle Association's website talks about safety and how important it is to educate young children about firearms. They even have suggestions for a school program for kids in pre-kindergarten. So if parents hide their guns in their babies' special diapers, they'll be accomplishing two things. First, they'll get their tots to feel more comfortable around guns. Secondly, they'll be prepared to ward off any violent parents who cut in front of them at Babies R' Us.

There is bound to be a bit of a transition time. So don't be surprised if you see someone turn to a cop to say, "I swear. I didn't know the diaper was loaded."

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from "Sesame Street" to "Family Ties" to "Home Improvement" to "Frasier." He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover. He can be reached at lloydgarver@gmail.com. Check out his website at lloydgarver.com and his podcasts on iTunes.

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