Love is a Choice

How to stop treating your fellow Jews as the enemy.

As I pulled into the gas station to fill my rapidly-deflating tire with air the other day, I saw that someone was already using the air hose to pump up his bicycle tires.

My kids were in the car – we were quickly becoming late for my daughter’s own birthday party – and I let out an annoyed “oy vey!” My kids quickly picked up on my mood and said their own “oy veys” a few times as I stepped out of the car.

You know how there’s a way to get too close to someone – maybe while sighing loudly – to indicate you want them to hurry up? Well, I’m not proud now to admit it, but I did the invade-his-personal-space-and-be-impatient thing. I stepped behind him, put my hands on my hips, and exhaled. Noisily.

Picking up on my rudeness, the man turned his head and said he was planning to be a while. I looked at my watch: my daughter’s party was supposed to start in twenty minutes. More sighing.

And then the man with the bicycle and I recognized each other. His wife is a friend of mine. We eat meals at each other’s houses all the time. In fact, she and I had just sat together as we ate brunch at a community even that very morning!

Suddenly, we were all smiles. I backed up a few paces and removed my hands from my hips. Our neighbor stopped filling his bicycle tires and offered to fill up my car tire instead. “Stop by later on and I’ll patch your tire for you!” he cried. “Thanks, and you must come for Shabbos dinner again soon!” I said warmly.

Why was my first instinct to see him as an enemy over a minor inconvenience?

A few minutes later, with my tire full of air and our social calendar a little more crowded, I drove off. But far from feeling fulfilled, I felt like a complete fake.

Why did it take recognizing that we knew each other for us to be polite? He was a human being doing nothing wrong; a fellow Jew. Why was my first instinct to see him as an enemy over a minor inconvenience – and to do so in front of my children, setting them that example? Where was my humanity, my generosity of spirit? I was shaken that the dividing line between treating another person so rudely and embracing them warmly as a friend seemed to be so fine.

The Torah commands “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Lev. 19:18). The famous Jewish sage Rabbi Akiva singled out this commandment, calling it a “great” principle of the Torah. I’d just seen an example of the power of this central mitzvah: a world in which people go the extra mile for each other – in which they leap up to help one another, to invite them over, to make them feel loved and valued and secure.

I had also seen in my brief interaction with our neighbor, the opposite: a world in which people are loath to help, in which they begrudge their time, in which they withdraw into themselves.

Jewish tradition teaches that our central, holy Temple in Jerusalem – the one place where all Jews worshipped together in ancient times – was destroyed two thousand years ago because of this attitude: because we refused to stand together, failed to reach out to each other, because we allowed ourselves to feel sinatchinam, causeless hatred of our fellow Jews.

But this attitude can also change in a moment. We can make the supreme effort to regard even those we don’t know with the same warmth and concern we show to our friends, and help rebuild the Temple in the process.

We’re presently in the period called “The Three Weeks”. This distinctive period in the Jewish calendar, commemorating the beginning of the Roman siege of Jerusalem and the destruction of the Temple twenty days later, is a time to work on loving our fellow Jew and eradicating the insidious sinat chinam, baseless hatred that we allow to creep into the fabric of our lives. Here are five strategies to begin connecting with people around us today.

Smile! The Jewish sage Rabbi Shammai used to counsel “receive everyone with a cheerful face.” Greeting others with a warm “hello” can alter an entire conversation, transforming any interaction into a chance to truly connect with another person.

Judge others favorably. Remember that we don’t know all the circumstances behind another person’s actions. Perhaps that difficult person you’re dealing with is ill, or has a problem at home.

Examine your own actions. When I was growing up, my mother always used to tell me that people see in others what they know to be true of their selves: we’re all more attuned to challenges that we have, and often have a shorter fuse about issues we personally struggle with. Years later, I found the source of this advice was none other than the Talmud. The world is like a mirror, in which the faults we see in other people are meant to remind us to address them in ourselves.

Make the first move. Sometimes the dividing line between people we think of as friends and strangers whom we don’t care about can be frighteningly thin. In some circumstances, all it takes is an invitation to meet up to transform and acquaintance into someone we truly care about and are connected to.

See challenges as opportunities. Judaism teaches that we’re each given specific circumstances to help us grow. Once we start looking at our setbacks, tough situations, and even the difficult people in our lives as chances to train ourselves to be better people, we’re often better able to handle them. Try looking at the obstacles in your life as opportunities to transcend your circumstances, to react with grace, and to come closer to the person you are truly capable of being.

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About the Author

Yvette Alt Miller earned her B.A. at Harvard University. She completed a Postgraduate Diploma in Jewish Studies at Oxford University, and has a Ph.D. In International Relations from the London School of Economics. She lives with her family in Chicago, and has lectured internationally on Jewish topics. Her book Angels at the table: a Practical Guide to Celebrating Shabbat takes readers through the rituals of Shabbat and more, explaining the full beautiful spectrum of Jewish traditions with warmth and humor. It has been praised as "life-changing", a modern classic, and used in classes and discussion groups around the world.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 10

(8)
Yehudit Spero,
July 7, 2013 9:32 AM

well done!

Beautifully said and perfect for the three weeks. Thanks

(7)
Devorah,
July 4, 2013 10:24 PM

Very nice

Yasher koach, Yvette, well put! Love you and your family!

(6)
George,
July 4, 2013 9:40 AM

gal

Love is dangerous because you have to choose someone you know is going to be good to you and treat you with respect; if you choose the wrong person then it will break your heart. To be in true love means that you trust someone with everything.

(5)
Anonymous,
July 4, 2013 7:58 AM

I had such an Aha! moment

I enjoy the tuneful prayers in synagogue, but I have a sensitive ear, so, on occasion, when the chazzan leading the prayers is not up to snuff, it annoys me. On one such occasion, not only was the chazzan slightly off key, but he did not raise his voice sufficiently and even with great acoustics, I was straining to hear him. It seemed apparent that he was not used to leading the prayers, which made me think that he probably had yartzeit (the anniversary of death) of a loved one and was leading the prayers in his/her memory. That thought led to the memory of a very dear friend of ours who passed away at a young age leaving a widow and a slew of orphans and I realized that his yartzeit was just around that time of year. I peered down again from the balcony and with a jolt, realized that the chazzan was none other than his son! He normally doesn't pray in our synagogue so it hadn't occurred to me. This young man had gone through excruciating trials as a very young orphan and was painfully shy but, thank G-d, had grown into a mensch. I was suffused with love and pride at his performance and noted how his voice had grown stronger as he gained confidence and continued to lead the prayers. My next thought was - even if I hadn't discovered that the chazzan was someone very dear to my heart, shouldn't I love EVERY Jew? Shouldn't I realize that for a person who is not tuneful, leading the prayers for the memory of a loved one is an act of great courage and respect him for it, rather than be annoyed at "suffering" his less-than-melodious performance?Experiencing that sharp switch from annoyance to love and pride was a real eye-opener how an attitude switch on our part can opens doors to being more loving people.

(4)
Anonymous,
July 3, 2013 2:26 AM

or you could have...

I have to admit, as I was reading this story, I couldn't help but wonder why the writer didn't just politely say to the guy: Hello there- I see you're working on your bike here, but I was wondering if I could ask you a big favor: I have a car full of young children, and we're running late to her own b-day party- would you mind very much if we quickly fixed our tire first? More effective, respectful, honest and mature than huffing. Anytime I appeal to a samaritan using my- mom with kids card- they're always understanding. good luck:)

Fred,
July 3, 2013 11:08 PM

I Agree

That would have worked

ricardo,
July 29, 2013 1:05 PM

both right

Anyonymous is certainly correct in the asking for a favor category, which would be the rational approach to the problem. But as the author has pointed out in other columns, humans are irrational. And she doesn't exclude herself from this observation. She is responding as a subdued victim of circumstance, as many of us do, presumably because her underlying personality does not enjoy being assertive or even supplicatory. I think both the author & the respondent are correct, even though they contradict each other. The respondent is practical and directly addresses the tangible issue in a fruitful way, while the author reflects somewhat innocently on the subtle psychological underpinnings of our behavior.

(3)
dvora,
July 2, 2013 3:17 PM

Very real life for many people

Your oberservation of the way we treat others is so valid especially with a pushed calendar. Hope you were able to share this truth with your children.
I had a similar experience in a bank. The other woman recognized me as I had shared in a public place. I felt like crawling out the door. Can't let our circumstances rule good character and manners. Loved this article!

(2)
Anonymous,
June 30, 2013 10:37 AM

This should be required reading.

This should be required reading for everybody at my synagogue - thank you for saying what needs to be said!

(1)
Yehudith Shraga,
June 30, 2013 9:23 AM

Thank you for reminding us the most important things we tend to forget.

Very earnest analyses of one's own behavior, which shows the ability of a person for self-correction, which is the main part of the spiritual work in this world for all of us. The inner work on our Midot=Qualities is the everyday activity of our souls, which we find very easy to forget, because it is the most difficult part of our earthy period of existence and the work which demands all our abilities to be used properly.