How to Be a Better Person

The book is subtitled, “How One Man Gave Up Everything To Fish The Fabled Waters Of The West”

Intrigued, I picked up the book and read the inside flap of the dust jacket. It mentions that in book’s introduction, the author, while writing about a particular river, wrote: “The North Umpqua makes me want to be a better fly fisherman.”

I needed some context for such a bold statement, so I flipped to the introduction and found the actual quote. The full paragraph reads:

“Never do I fish as attentively as when I’m on the North Umpqua. I feel I owe the river the very best I have to offer, after all, the river has given its very best to me. The North Umpqua makes me want to be a better fly fisherman.”

Have you ever felt this way about anything? Do you have any things in your life that make you want to be a better person?

Does the special person in your life make you want to be a better partner?

Does your job make you want to be a better employee or your company make you want to be a better entrepreneur?

What about your car? Does it make you want to be a better driver?

Is there anything in your life that would make you say: “I owe this the very best that I have to offer!”

In my role as a life coach for personal development, I frequently meet people who think they are “stuck”. Often, the truth of the matter isn’t that they’re stuck, it’s that they just haven’t found something that demands the very best they have to offer – something that makes them want to be a better person.

Well, what if the answer isn’t something outside of yourself? What if it’s not a person or a thing?

What about your life itself?

Please humor me for a minute… just for fun – imagine that you woke up tomorrow with the feeling that you owe your life the very best you have to offer!

What would that day look like to you?

What would it sound like?

Imagine living like that for just one day! How would that feel?

How To Be A Better Person – An Experiment

Now I’d like to propose something. I’d like to propose that you make up your mind, right here and now, to actually do this tomorrow – just as an experiment. You don’t have to tell anyone what you’re up to, you don’t have to recruit others to do it with you and you don’t need to make a big deal out of it. Just wake up with the attitude that no matter what happens throughout the day, you are going to give your life the very best you have to offer! You are going to live your life in a way that makes you want to be a better person.

Be forewarned, this new approach could change everything!

(Seriously, once you try this please come back and tell us about your amazing day by posting in the comments section.)

Patrick Mathieu is a speaker, author and coach. He has been featured in a full-length documentary film and appeared on numerous television and radio programs. One of his favorites was an hour-long interview with Dr. Oz on Oprah & Friends where he discussed his Mortality Manifesto. Patrick’s mission in life is to help people live lives that are Fearless Focused and Free from Regret. Find out more at http://ChooseTheLifeYouWant.com

I hope this helps – I don’t know you so it’s a shot in the dark:
We all have phases of lack of motivation and self-esteem etc. Sometimes shorter, sometimes longer. And, trust me – you can always learn from them, like everything in life, if you really want to become more contented. So we need lots of patience and self-acceptance. Forcing doesn’t necessarily work but any little steps you can take that you notice make you feel better (e.g. friends to hang out with – are they generally supportive friends or trying to bring you down in some way?). Learn to recognize everything that makes you feel wholesome and follow that. You could also try giving up your frustrations to the Universe, even if it sounds weird.

Sometimes, however, you will need to take clear, courageous decisions for the right thing, despite a voice in our heads that can’t be bothered to change because we always have a weak and strong self, and the strong self needs to come through.

Best wishes, you’ve got all the power and love within you now – discover it.

1 – The way you feel is normal. Especially at your age – being 13 and 14 is a transitional and challenging age.

2 – If your feelings become really dark and especially if your thinking seriously about harming yourself, seek help. There are many resources – talk to your school’s guidance department, or a teacher, or a trusted adult.

Already did it. I left a 16 year toxic relationship and went and lived on my own for a year. The day I moved into my apartment I vowed that I would live my life the way that makes ME the best person possible. Not my kids, not a partner, not my boss. ME. It was a struggle to adopt this new approach, but an interesting thing happened when I did. I met someone who had made the same decision for himself. And now individually and as a couple we are better people for knowing and loving each other.

I’ve already decided to be a better person some time ago. I’m constantly challenging myself. I have to admit that sometimes, it feels like I’m working out of my comfort zone. But hey…I’m treating all this as kindof fun and exciting!

I’m doing this already. I started my blog mainly to write my way to betterness (and tell funny stories) and I’m making great progress. It’s getting easier to live in the moment and centre myself so that I don’t let my perfectionism get the best of me. I’m choosing to see the positive, even in my own idiocy. ;-)

I try to do this every day. When I open my eyes in the morning, I take a few minutes to feel gratitude for all the little things that make up my life and the lives of those around me. I thank God for waking up, not to mention for my family and the roof over my head. I get sidetracked sometimes as the day wears on, but when I do, I stop myself and try to find a quiet spot where I can remind myself that I AM a better person than a was the day before.

I’m trying to be a better person every day. I have learned to stop trying to be a PERFECT person – that was impossible and too stressful. But I see every day as a new chance at being the best that I possibly can.

Thanks for the great article. Lately, I’ve been asking myself “what is worthy of my attention?” This question seems to boil down what is most important in my life. I usually answer: meditation is worthy of my attention. Giving my full attention to silence and that Ground of Being I find in meditation, brings me closer to the heart or essence of myself. When I quiet the mind, I am able to clearly see myself and the world around me. This simple practice makes me a better person. I’m not as affected by compulsive mind chatter or the storm of emotion and I begin to have a better understanding and compassion for all that is. If I have issues, simply observing them seems to dissolve them, and all that remains is a clear, surrendered awareness. As I evolve, so does the rest of humanity. Changing ourselves for the better is the highest good we can do for humanity and the collective whole. After all, we’re all in this together.

Yes, the “compulsive mind chatter” (which so many of us like to call ‘thinking’ or ‘reasoning’) very often does more harm than good when it comes to getting to really know yourself and letting yourself evolve.

And I love what you’ve said about changing ourselves for the collective whole of humanity! Imagine if everyone just worried about their own day and stayed out of other people’s days! Wouldn’t that be an exciting world? I recently wrote called a post called “Whose Business Is That?” which was about that very topic: http://www.powerofmortality.com/whos-business-is-that

Good for you for deciding to take charge of your life! Once you start to give your life the best you have to offer you may find that you want a new job and a new girlfriend – OR – you may find that your current job and current girlfriend now seem completely different to you and are exciting, fulfilling and vibrant parts of your “new” life!

Over the years I’ve learned that very often life gives us back more of what we put in. If you aren’t putting your best into your career and relationships, then you may not be getting the best out of them. But once you consistently start to put in 100% of yourself … look out!!

Patrick,
I have just stumbled upon your website today and have been feverishly catching up on all the great insight you have supplied. So much of it speaks to me and what I intend to do for myself. Thank you for this posting and all the others. I look foreword to putting it into practice.

@Patrick – oh very good question! My children. They are all in their early 20s, and were THRILLED to have me leave the relationship. For the first 3 or 4 months, we completely reversed roles. They almost became the parent, and it was hard for me at first, but in the end I let them. They each helped in their own way. My eldest daughter is the one with all the business smarts and she helped me with things like plugged kitchen sinks. She would also listen to me cry for a bit, and then she would always say something to get me howling with laughter. My middle daughter trash talked my ex. She and I both know that it takes 2 in a relationship, and I wouldn’t trash talk him, so she did it for me. My son came over at least 3 times a week, just to hang and keep me distracted. I had other support systems, but my children deserve most of the credit in this department.

amazing post! trying this tomorrow. my ex boyfriend has left me and is doing way better then me. he wants me to ‘figure out’ what i did wrong, but its difficult, from today on i told him i wouldn’t be talking to him again until May. It seems impossible, but I’m going to try. If anything it won’t be impossible, just a challenge. I’m hoping Feburary maybe we’ll be back to normal. Thanks for the advice :)

I really feel like I want to be a better person, to make life for myself and for those around me easier. I feel like I don’t know how though – this may sound horrible, but how do you reconcile your attempts to be a better, more understanding, appreciative, receptive, non-judgemental person when there are people around who are so lacking in these qualities? I really feel doing mental work may be the key to being a better person ;) Working out why I get angry and irrrational, and how to become aware…etc.
Great blog!

I think the answer to your question lies in the question itself. (No, I’m not trying to sound like Yoda or a zen master) :-)

You said: “how do you reconcile your attempts to be a better, more understanding, appreciative, receptive, non-judgmental person when there are people around who are so lacking in these qualities?”

The way I see it, the only work you can do is on YOU. People will do what they do. You can set an example, but you aren’t responsible for their actions. How you choose to live your life shouldn’t be impacted by how others choose to live their lives. In fact, when you focus on changing others, you are inviting a lot of stress into your life. I recently wrote about this in an article called: “Who’s Business Is That?.

Of course, another alternative is to choose to surround yourself with people who posses the qualities you are looking for!

I am a great father and a really good husband. I am a great friend to those close to me. However if I do not know you I come off as someone who “has a stick up his A_ _”
My friend told me a coworker made this comment about the guy in the property office (I am the only guy in this office). My friend defended me and a few people started telling funny stories about me. The Co-worker said there is no way that the person they are talking about could be the same person. When really friendly people come into my office my first reaction is this guy is a tool. Then I stop and think and I realise I am the tool, but I can’t help myself. The other day the man at dunkin donuts was so happy and friendly, treating me like I had been going there forever and it was only my first time. My 1st thought was he probably is in the country illegally. My second thought was he just wants a tip, but he was friendly to other folks in the bus station who were not buying things. He obviously is a nice guy. I am just a miserable person. So I decided to try and be nice to people and as the cheerful words come out of my mouth I think this is BS I sound like a total ass. I sound so phony and insincere. My smile feels fake. I watched a guy today walk by a State Trooper (I work at the airport so they are everywhere) and pat him on the shoulder say hi and shake his hand. I would never put my hand on anyone, its not me, I am not friendly. If he put his hand on me I would not be happy. Yet the normally stone faced Trooper gave him a big smile and a warm hello. Am I just doomed to be a miserable person the rest of my life?

I kind of have the same problem myself. What I am trying to do is to find inner peace for myself, and forget what others think. I hate it that our motivation to be better people is a result of our interactions with other people. And it’s hard to forget about what other people think, especially when you feel like a target. I don’t have much adivice to give you, but if you truly think you are a miserable person on the inside then find the root of that and focus on how to make yourself less miserable. See, most people at this point would say that once you achieve this, then your inner peace will shine through to others. But again, it’s not about what others see. As long as you know you are not deliberately hurting people and are showing them respect, then screw what they think. Just focus on finding your inner happiness. Think simplicity. Take it from there.

No, just let yourself try to open up to someone, just once.
Tell the voices screaming caution to shut up for this one time and see
what happens. Eventually it will become second nature. Also if you can ask the question of youself, you are not that far gone and can turn around. The only one that can give you a second
chance is You.

thats a good mantra to start the day off. i recently got out of a relationship with someone i thought was the one and i feel like i just need to go thru a “rebirth” or something. my ex and i were together for about 4 years so its definately been hard. i can probably see where i went wrong though, i wasnt putting my all into it. see ive been hurt before and i just didnt want to get hurt anymore so i started shutting out and picking up bad habits (ie smoking, drinking, drug use, nonchalant attitudes). and whats crazy about it is i saw it happening but i couldnt stop doing it. it was destroying my relationship let alone destroying myself. so when my ex asked my if he deserved a better girlfriend than me, i told him yes you do. it hurt for me to say that because who thinks someone you truely love would ask you something like that and mean it but i had to tell the truth. i and after I said that I felt like i could have been happy through that time we were together but i chose to grieve on past hurt and it blinded me to what was right in front of me. ive came to terms that ive lost him to my negligence and i vow that to never happen again. its been hard, crying, relapsing on drugs, but after reading “Just wake up with the attitude that no matter what happens throughout the day, you are going to give your life the very best you have to offer! You are going to live your life in a way that makes you want to be a better person.” I now know that the only one responsible for your life and everything in it is you. i vow to forgive and move on with past squabbles and make each and every day worth it, at least for me. I vow to not smoke or drink. One because i dont like it and two because ive been using that as a crutch to feel better about myself. i am human i do deserve to be happy and one thing ive learned in this past 4 years is that you can you cant expect someone to love you if you dont love yourself. so i plan on loving myself, hell im taking myself on a date :), i have to learn to be a better person, it wont change overnight nor will it change the outcome of my life
thus far but from this day forward i vow to live my life day by day making a point to do something that truely makes me smile each day. Thanks, this helped alot!
Deanna

I’m feeling very hopeless — the most I’ve ever felt yet….which is why I’m here. I’m hoping for direction. My head is filled with an overwhelming (to me) amount of crap and I don’t know where to start. Can anyone help?

i feel exactly the same .. i feel im at my lowest point right now.. i mean i seriously just searched how to be a better person .. i want it .. i feel so uncontrollable of my own self .. i dunno what to do ….. can ne body help??

P.S. I came to this page by searching ‘how to be a nice person’…and once I wrote to you here, I looked further and see that you’re popular etc. I am embarrassed to say that I have never heard of you. I’m glad that I found you and your site and I’m going to read and explore it right now!

I have just found your website today. I wake up in the morning dreading going to work, barely tolerating my job. I go to bed at night and instead of thanking god for all the wonderful people and things in my life, I dread the following day of doing the same thing. I found your website by asking google how I can be a better person, maybe I would be happier and people around me would notice the attitude change. I need to change my mind about how I feel every day about people who need my help or give me a task or the slow ticks of the clock. I would love to feel great when I wake up, to look forward to the day, instead of being so pessimistic, which I’m starting to believe comes easier to me than happiness for some reason. Maybe the anxiety, frustration and worry in my life will subside a little. Anyways, Thank you for the wake up call. I am going to work on seeing things in a new angle. I’m so glad I found your website.

I’ve looked around at a lot of self-help books, sites, etc. and the advice is all very good. Really common sense, if you think about it. But it all seems very difficult to not only put into practice but to maintain. It’s rather exhausting, really. For that matter, life seems rather exhausting and I personally find it difficult to avoid falling into the trap of sort of giving up. While it’s certainly not more rewarding to be introverted or lazy or selfish, it is certainly easier, wouldn’t you agree? So how does one maintain the attitudes that you so helpfully provide? Day after day after day? I could wake up tomorrow morning and say that I’m going to live my life to the fullest, but if something happens to knock me back, it would be very easy to wake up the next day and say, “To hell with it.” Yes?

I guess I just don’t want to be a better person for a day. I want to make it a permanent change. But it’s making me tired just thinking about it.

@HBH (and @Janey Oltz), I hear you! I understand where you’re coming from and that sometimes the idea of having to recommit yourself each and every day can seem like a daunting task.

That’s why New Year’s Resolutions usually fail. People wake up on January 1 with great intentions of changing their lives for the better, but when they wake up on January 2nd, their first thought is: “Oh man! 364 more days of THIS??”

@HBH, you said: “I just don’t want to be a better person for a day. I want to make it a permanent change.” But that’s a lot like saying: “I just don’t want to shower and be clean for a day. I want to be permanently clean.” Life just doesn’t work that way I’m afraid. Life is messy and we get dirty, so we need to shower often.

I guess I would go back to what I said in the blog article. Look for something in your life that makes it all worthwhile. If you’re having trouble coming up with something… then I’d like to suggest that you reflect on the fact that this is the only life you get, so why not give it all you’ve got?

I’ve written something called the Mortality Manifesto Pledge and it is designed to be a tool to help people rededicate themselves to their lives on a daily basis. I encourage you to visit the link, read the Manifesto, download it (free), sign it, and TAKE THE PLEDGE.

If only changing was as easy and enjoyable as taking a shower!
What if showering was painful and we felt lost and unsure about how to take one? I think a majority of people would dread it every day and we’d have many more stinky people amongst us than we do now! For me, fortunately, taking a shower is not painful – it’s rather enjoyable and comes fairly natural. For that reason I take one regularly and reap the immediate benefits.

For me, changing things I dislike about myself is like dieting. I have to give up certain yummy unhealthy foods and replace them with not-so-yummy ones. Then add exercise to my routine (which also takes up time). Then, I desperately try to stay focused and convinced that, someday, I’ll have a better looking and healthier body – and that it’s all worth it. Then, like a dummy, I see some improvements and, for some twisted and sick unknown reason, I’ll eat poorly to reward myself. Or I’ll go back to my unhealthy eating habits then tell myself it’s easy – I’ll get right back to it – and don’t. Or I convince myself that I’m not all that unhappy with the weight that I am…and conclude that it’s not worth it…until I convince myself, on some horribly depressing day, AGAIN, that it is.

It keeps coming back to being self-disciplined, self-motivated and having a great positive attitude. I definitely need to stop thinking ‘I can’t’ and begin thinking that I can—even when it feels like I’m lying to myself! Eventually, it will become a truthful statement.

What are the steps for changing bad habits? A good idea might be to place a meaningful picture on my alarm clock in hopes to motivate me to get out of bed earlier than I do. Maybe I could write a short bullet-style note to myself to read every morning, placed by the toilet, to remind me of why I’m making the effort to change, etc.

Im 14…im stressed out every day, im always depressed and i somehow find negativity each day in someway or another…Schoolwork is overwhelming, friends are just adding more stress with their problems asking me for help when i cannot help myself, relationships go down because i tend to compete peoples problems with my own and i try to one up them…i try to find a place where i can sit and relaxe which is most times my room, but even then, the loud noises of the outside seeps in and makes me reach the point of giving up. I’ve tried meditation, poetry as a way of venting, and even exercising to let off some steam but yet nothing works..Is my enviroment my problem or is it just me? I “need” to see the better things in life, to be optimistic even in the bad times and to see that not everything is a negativity, but an opportunity to better myself and help those around me…but things are easier said than done..if you can help me, i would deeply, and gratefully appreciate it…

@Jose Orlando, Hi my name is Anne, and I’m 19. I don’t think that there is any advice that I can give without coming off cheesy or lame, but I wanted to tell you that there actually is someone else with the same problems who knows how you feel. Sorry to hear about everything. But, I found it kinda, oh I don’t know, a little freaky that I came to this website only to read your comment and seeing the exact same questions and concerns that I was going to ask myself. Keep going, I say that cause I know how hard it is to keep strong, so keep going. Thanks for typing the things I didn’t know how to phrase myself, gives me encouragement. Good luck!

I do want to be a better person, but i cant figure it out of how peopl can accept me and my ideas. though not everyone one avoids. i am well know by many people around me and got many casual friends…however i dont have a close friend…I would want to get a better friend too who will accept me for who i am and as well as i accept this person for who she or he is…i would love to get along with people, and i believe in my self alot and want to be the first all the time. i also feel i have some characteristics which i think draws people away from me, like when i am talking i talk woth boldness like a man, and like people to flollow me, i dont like to be blame that much though but i do like to admit my mistakes though. I like to help people and have this dream to be able to creat a better society and do not like to depend on people especially financially except if i am forced to becos i am still a student. Some of my characteristics is very hard on me…i cant control it..its like part of me…like when talking i talk like a very significant person and with body movemnts especiall my hand and also laugh like a very signicant person during times with people…sometimes when i am coming peopl gave way and space for me like a significant person…i have no controlver this i dont know how to improve all this. i appreciate some of my qualities but i want to be a better person….like as i talk people would not feel angered, envy or hurt . though i never want to hurt peopl but sometimes i have no control over my expressions like a significant person…or like a man. no matter who i am ….i just want to express in a simple way which can suit people…becos i want a better future.

Hey man, I’m 19 and I’m in a slump. I’d like to take the experiment and try tomorrow to be my best, but I can’t even let the thought into my head. How do you know when that moment’s hit you…the moment where you can give yourself permission to be free. Freedom is a scary thing. I’ve found that since I was about 15 I’ve felt more and more sad every year, and I don’t see it getting better. It’s not terrible, just always there.

I’ve always want to be a better person too! I just learned lately that I am challenged with a slight brain problem that makes performing my best difficult. I’ve always known That I am not living to my true potential. It sometimes takes some outside help to reach your goal of improvement. Like the shower analogy in a previous post, it’s like having a friend hose you down if you have forgotten to take a shower. You will not like it, but you will be cleaner. This might be a 12 step program for those that are addicted to alcohol and drugs. It could mean a trip to the doctors or shrinks. Help is available! Just ask for it, you’ve already come this far.

So I came across this site today, because I received a text from the guy I’m dating stating I make him want to be better – never having heard that before in my past relationships I was taken aback and googled “you make me want to be a better person” and voila here I am. This blog entry was incredibly inspiring for many different reasons. One being, I came in to work today to find that my co-worker (who is notorious for slacking off, adding drama and making my life a work miserable b/c of it) left me a TON of stuff to prepare with very little time before a clients arrival. This happens often, and I thought to myself, “boy I wish I could do the same thing”, but I can’t because it wouldn’t be giving my best and thus would not help me become a better person. I really do intend to give you experiment a go tomorrow, and I hope it can survive the hurdles that other peoples actions help to throw me off my game. I generally wake up with the attitude of, today will be a good today because I choose for it to be – but some days its hard due to other peoples actions and negative attitude. This is very exciting and I really hope just happening to find this blog today is the first step to becoming and continuing to be a better person.

Thanks for the inspiration Patrick, you really are good at what you do!

Let me try to write this down….Like everybody else, life just comes at you with all it has and holds nothing back (stress – life stuff). However its not an excuse. But I’m in a relationship where I feel unloved and was told I was a horrible person (in so many word) because of the way I have made my partner feel in the past (disrespected, and belittled at times) and he’s had it. I’ll take blame, it’s my fault. However, lots of hurt in this relationship, and I know I do love my partner and have decided to try to make it work, but my partner doesn’t seem to what to try anymore. However there are children involved and don’t want to upset the family. So we are still together sort of.

So I’ve now decided for my kids sake, as well as my health, I do want to try to be a better person. Googled “be a better person” and came across this. I know I’m not a bad person, but I could be better. Thank you for this artical. One step at a time. Baby steps.

I am trying to be a better person, after an awful emotionally abusive relationship i met my current bf and i realized that ever since then I’ve always wanted to be my best, because he inspires me too. It has not been easy and it isn’t totally. but it is magnificent the change someone can inspire its like he gave me new eyes and i can see the world from a different perspective. So i agree a 100% with what ure saying. Lovely article and i’ll still do the experiment…we could always use some!

i came across this site as i put i want to become a better person into my search engine.
i have progressed a long way but at the moment i feel as if i am coasting and need to get back on the path and start working again.something i need desperately to work on is the fact that my husband makes me so angry,we married young and maybe for the wrong reasons but i dont want to put my kids even though they.re not babies through turmoil,but he makes me so angry and when he makes negative comments about me and throws my past in my face and doesnt understand our youngest daughter who is a difficult child and puts me down i react badly by screaming at him that he doesnt own me and the anger is such a bad thing.i want to accept his faults and accept that i made my choice and i have to live with it,i may never be able to love him but how do i stop hating him,its not right and it makes me a bad person and i want to be better,to be kind and tolerant and learn the lessons i am here to learn.does this make sense to anyone anywhere.

One of the hardest things to handle in a relationship is conflict. While a good and fair fight can clear the air and help you to feel closer to your lover, many fights are just hurtful and destructive. Fights that never go anywhere, that are repeated year after year, or that leave you feeling awful about yourself are not going to help your relationship. Those are the kinds of fights we need to take another look at, and find out what is going on underneath. This is true for any conflict that doesn’t feel right, not just those you have with your husband.

Many break-ups occur because we do not know how to get to our inner depth, or getting to it, how to share it. What we want to say isn’t what comes out of our mouths. We argue about something meaningless in order to get space from our lover, rather than feel the anxiety or fear we may have about setting boundaries or looking at what we need. We argue to feel more alive, instead of looking at what is missing in our life. We argue about what our lover spent money on, rather than face our own issues about money. We argue as a way to control our lover, rather than face our fear of being controlled. Regardless of the content of the argument, until we are prepared to express and respect our lover’s deeper feelings, beliefs, and meanings (and s/he respects ours), very little change can take place.

i’m a 22 year old man i’v made alot of bad decions but i accept that and have learned from it, but life is pretty good right now and it always has been just got my ups and downs like everbody else but at the same time i feel that i have alot of room to make me a better person and a better life for my self but it seems i can get that kick in the back side to turn me into the man i wanna be, so is theres any more helpful advice you think i need i’d like to hear from you but i’m gonna do what you said and see how tommorow turns out

After going through a near death experience and constant struggles in life, I often found it very difficult for change. But after reading good books and blogs just like this one from Patrick….It is simply amazing how far one can go.

We all have to change the way we “use” to think about things. We have to change ourselves as human beings. We have to work to develop the right mindset and attitude that it takes in order to create the lifestyle that we all truly want. We have to let go of what was, who we thought we were and discover who we truly are. We are all capable of so much more in our lives but we are just frightened of change. But change comes every single day whether you realize it or not. So just relax, open your mind to new adventures and take those steps to learn more about who you truly are as a person.

I am not a good person. I take people and things for granted. I don’t want to, I just can’t seem to help it. I want so very much to change my life. I want to be the person others want to be around. I’ve tried so hard but I just can’t seem to change. Please help.

Hi I am only 20 but I already fear myself getting stuck in a trap. I am a perfectionist and contiunually comparing myself my life and my achievements to those arround me. I am studying for a degree whilst working part time and maintaining a long distance relationship with my partner of 4 years. I have had a very stressful year and I feel I am too young to be getting so bogged down. I want to enjoy things and let things happen for themselves rather than be continually chasing impossible perfection. I want to just be. I agree with most of the comments above. I think this website is amazing and just what we all need in these modern times.
Thankyou for making me want to turn things around.
Liz

I am a terrible person. I backstab, bitch and treat others badly. I hurt those around me and I end up getting hurt myself. This one time I took it too far, and ended up losing a friend. I want to change and be a better person, and I’m looking forward to trying and see how it works out tomorrow, and for the better.

I am going to try this. I have been going through a tough time in my life. I question everything, My Job my relationship everything.
I want so badly to be a good person. I have recently started reacting, or i should say over reacting to very simple things. Dishes being left on the counter tops and garbage everywhere. I consider myself not only a clean person but an incredibly organized person as well. So when people come into my life and disrupt that i get tense. Like i want to say something but i don’t know what the best way to deal with it is. With that being said, I tend to just push it way down inside of me and try to just “let it go” sorta speak. But this morning, Not only did i degrade my boyfriend, I did so also to my room mate.
I totally blew up, i mean over something that wasn’t even directed at me. I felt attacked, I don’t know why but i felt my character was being attacked. I started yelling and swearing basically was not a nice person.
I do not like treating people like that. I want to be able to think from their perspective, Not just mine.
Sorry for the story, I just really need some guidance

Two years later to impact my life. I’m starting this tomorrow and doind it for the rest of my life!!!! Excited. I think this article was exactly what I needed, it was the push. I’ve been saying I want to be a better person but I haven’t gone out of my way to do it, didn’t know where to start. This was an excellent and simple way to start. From the bottom of my heart thank u Patrick!!

A wonerfully insightful post Patrick. Look forward to reading your book too. I think the one thing that has kept me going after over 25 years of working in the personal development industry and working on myself as well, is the way it feels when I see someone really “get” who they are beyond the illusion of who they think they should be, have to be, can’t be or wanna be. When I see someone breakthrough like that, and I’ve seen a lot of that, it’s like being a mid wife at a birth, the birth of consciousness.

This blog post you’ve made has come at just the right time. For ages I’ve been trying to become a better person, but after reading this post I realised that I’m doing it wrong.. I’m not trying to make myself better, I’m trying to make everyone else better or worse until it suits me. I dont want to change I want the rest of the world to change for me. Well as of tomorrow I am going to be the best person I can be for life! Thanks so much for the help >_<

I’m trying so hard to a better person, better friend…but I keep failing.
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I just know that the more I try, the harder I fail, the further I fall and the more I upset and hurt those around me.

I tried waking up and telling myself “THIS is the day where you live to become better for YOU”, with the thought that if I did this, then I’d better the lives of those around me but again…I failed.

I can’t keep failing. I can’t keep hurting people.
I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong, where I’m falling down all the time.

I’ve tried therapy, counselling, life coaches all without success.
I think I’m unsavable. I am destined to be a bad person for life.

Hi, how do you really really deal with the feeling of inadequateness. When you are constantly stuck with the feeling of low self esteem that you dont know how to be the best you can because you think that nothing you do is good enough. Because you have lived with this feeling for as long as you have lived, you are never able to challenge yourself to be the best you can because even if you start thinking so when a new day begins you are crippled with the feeling of inadequateness so much that you sink into the cycle of low self esteem over again that you loose sight of you plan to be a better person because you just constantly keep thinking you are not and others are better than you.

Really my question is how do you let go of low self esteem because i have read all the material there is and i am still stuck in this destructive phase. I have tried for as long as i can but, i really am stuck.

I have felt the way you feel before and it was not easy but what helped me was my point of focus.I think the main focus shouldn’t be the determination to get rid of low self esteem,the real thing is accepting that you have a low self esteem and having done that you can do what i first did,go into the world of dreaming[don’t hide your real self in there,just let yourself dream]envision yourself at your best with your best[low self esteem]i admit that when i did this i cried heavily because i kept seeing myself at the bottom and i did not push it away,for how long i cried,i do not know but when i was back to reality i knew that i hated being low self esteemed and that was when i entered into the world of discouvering who i am,my purpose,etc.If you do this and you still feel caged,don’t worry,just mail me because am intrested in seeing you get through this as a victor.I care and thanks

wow, what amazing advise!
I’m 17, in my last year in school, and really need to start to better myself, become more productive, etc. I’m really lazy, and Im finding it so hard to knuckle down and study but with the Irish exam system, this year is the only year that matters and I need to work, I really hope this helps me :) thanks :)

Oh Janey, the one thing i will change is my negativity. I am such a pessimist and I guess my feelings of low esteem stem from that. If only I could change that permanently and not just for a moment in time, but truly rid myself totally of feeling inadequate, i will be so so happy.

Honestly, I don’t really know where it came from. I just know that for most of my life, i have been saddled with it. Hamaya, gave me a few ideas, i’ll try. I pray that it helps.

this post is wonderful i just feel it came at exactly the right time, i have been trying hard to change to better. but sometimes it goes ups n downs, i feel am active n i can do anything n everything in mind to change to better but when it come to hard work all the enthusiastic go away!

i cant understand why that happen if i have the passion and deep reason for being better and doing my best.

i put plans to change, i work on them for 2 or 3 days then i stop without knowing or i just keep postponing everything to tomorrow and the problem i know that tomorrow wont come so i have to do it today but still i don’t do it !!

i hate it when i do that .. i feel lost i feel that i didn’t give the best i can !
and when its time to get the results of my work am not satisfied i feel that if i worked hard i would get more than what i got .. keep blaming myself that i didn’t give the best i can!

this feelings make miserable and sad .. that i can do it right but i don’t get it right !

hey Ashlee! I’m not sure what you’re like or anything, but I’m sure you’re a great person! I’m 13, so you dont have to take my advice that seriously. Make a list of all the things you want to accomplish in life, all the silly little things included. Then find ways of making them happen. Since im only 13, I’m in school (hw BLAH!), so I endure those teenage dramas, and one of them is that nothing really makes me really happy or spurs me forward . I want to be a doctor, but bio’s kinda iffy, if you get my point. So what I do is depend on chocolate and sports and do things that come to my mind. If I feel like being a ballerina, I twirl and hop and skip, etc. I talk to myself (no judging plz :) and name objects. I’m weird and that’s the way I like it. When you do things out of the blue, you kinda enjoy and cherish things that you know that only you thought of at the moment. You just gotta get up, sing and dance!(literally) Sorry If this isn’t that good advice……. but this is what makes me happy, so I think that you should try it! Be a kid again while your young enough!

First thing First- Thanks Patrick Mathieu for such a useful post. I’m taking on this tomorrow with all areas of my life- laughter, health, spirituality, learning, career and will share with you guys.
hope to see more such life elevating post.

Hi … i would like to share some story about my messy life, i lost trust to anybody even because i am afraid to get hurt again. all i do is live my life like nothing, one day i meet a man the who really love and accept for who i am, but ignore him and continue to do bad staff ,one day the man who really love me is gone and that is the time i realize that i was doing wrong about my life and i want to change it. and i realize that i am a loser to lost the who i really love….so its a big mistake and lesson to change. you think its to late for me to change to a better person?

i can relate i have a gorgeous girlfriend she does everything for me and i am ungrateful i have hurt her so much and she is still there for me but now that im realizing the damage ive done she tells me that its to late and that she cant trust me anymore even tho she loves me and i feel horrible for being so dumb and not appreciating and loving her how she deserved , i understamd her pain trusting someone is important and now shes so hurt that she feels the only way for her to forget is to leave me

Hi there, we share a very similair situation ! I believe that u can be a better person ! U just have to want it bad enough.. :) ! I starting today, I do not know how but I am going to be a better person

Why do you believe you need to convince your friends that you’ve changed?

If you are changing, if you have changed already, your friends will already know that without you stating or proving anything. People will know by your actions and what transpires in the wake of your actions.

Prove it. My friend left me cause I talk too much, or something. But she came back when I proved that I can control myself. If you can’t prove this to your friends, at least prove it to yourself and know that you can change for the better. (then eat chocolate)

So there have been a lot of comments from people who are feeling down on themselves and their situations and are looking for a way to turn things around. My simple advice is to re-read the last section of my blog post:

I am in the process of being a better person, my problem is I do it for a few months but I am alone, I do not have friends, no one to talk to. I would like to be a better person, i need someone to talk to tho, sometime when things are bothering me i need someone to listen, someone i can trust. can anyone help me or share their experiences on this.

Hey I decided to stop lying and being dishonest. Every day I go out there and challenge myself the way I never did in the past. If felt weird at the beginning, but hey… now I am living better and I am looking forward to keep improving every day. I love the changes and the goals the I have.

As I wonder why I have such disconnect with everyone as I got older , as a young professional motocross racer I traveled the east states only ever wanting to become better and better, very small communication with friends and a lot of alone travel time … now that I have landed a great job with great people I start to see myself disconnecting with them … today is the day that I need to change I know I can become a better person .

I found this article by googling “how to be a better person”. I have a lot of ghosts in ny closet (an ex husband) and I now have a fiance. I constantly take advantage of our relationship. My philosophy that its easier to ask forgiveness than permission is all wrong. I have a lot to change about me to make my fiance trust in me. I finally understand how I make him feel sometimes by lying. I hope when I try this he’ll be my support system.

I feel empty. I feel a lack of motivation at home and work and in my social life. I’m overly average at everything. I’m lacking in confidence. I have huge potential and a really good heart. However with a lack of guidance, counselling and mentorship all throughout my life I feel I have now turned into the worlds worst decision maker. I’m terrible with money. I Look for instant satisfaction rather than long term gain. I’ve always felt very if not overly self aware but hugely incapable of doing anything about it. I don’t expect a response but even jus emptying this onto a blog feels good. Never been able to open up to anyone about this as my pride is oversized. I’m only scratching the surface here. In mid 30’s and feel such a failure. Can’t even sleep At night due to troubled thoughts. Thanks for listening.

I am 22 years old and have been on my own sence i was 15. I got my GED and associates in criminal justice. I have two kids and a average job as a security guard. I still feel so underachived..i feel lost and alone yet i am surrounded by peolpe who need this and who want this. There is always someone with thier hand out but yet i am not allowed anytype of issues. This post really makes me feel like i am not alone!! Thank you WIll!!! I hope we find what we need because having so much potential but not being able to trully live life is one of the worst feelings..Trully i wish you the best.

I keep saying to myself, Ok, from tomorrow, I will be a better person. And then the next day, something bad would happen and I would just turn grumpy. But now I am going to try really hard on this one.

am a good person a nice and caring and always go above and beyond. That is part of my problem. Outwardly I do all these things. Inside my house is a mess and I can only bring myself to take care of myself about twice a week. I do self destructive thingslike drik to much or sleep with men that are bad for me. I take care of everyone else and even though I want to be clean and happy I can’t seem to make my life right. It’s almost like being an ass gets you a better life. I try and fail and it seems most of the people do very little and are doing way better. I wish things would click just once. I plan on reading through this website and implementing your tools a little at a time to find a place where life clicks. Thank you for allowing me to vent

Hi Lissa, don’t worry – you are not alone. Most of the world is f*cked up still and everyone expresses it in different ways. But where there is a will, there is ALWAYS a way :-) The problems are all based on fear of not being loved. Maybe you sacrifice yourself because you want people to love you, and you felt some lack as a child. As children we are easily formed, and it’s there to learn from – to re-heal. so you could start by sending your best wishes to your parents or others who you can remember traumatising you in some way. They, too had their baggage. Talk to supportive people who know there is hope. Try finding yourself e.g. through meditation, that inner voice that is loving and accepting of the self, so it becomes stronger and starts leading your life in the right direction!

HI. I really appreciate what you have to say. I am also self destructive. I know that I am depressed and without medication, the depression will continue. I have the medication and know when I take it am genuinely happy. But just like my home and my car, I am a mess. I just don’t take it for days at a time and fall back into depression. I am abusive to my body by eating when I am not hungry and putting on much unnecessary weight. I got to this site because I searched “I want to be a nicer person.” This is not what I sought out for, but I am finding the practice can still apply.

I do think attitude is everything and that we have to take care of ourselves. I also am a constant do-er. ALWAYS doing for others and going above and beyond. Yet it’s not always appreciated or returned when I am in need of help. This is not why do-ers do, but it is hurtful when we really need help and the people we help and care for do not care for us.

I hope you were able to find your place where you can click. I am going to implement this positive process tomorrow and see where it gets me.

I’m 19 years old and only a few months left to I turn 20. I still live with my parents I don’t have a high school diploma or degree, an I just lost my $7.38 paying job. I really can’t see me living a successful life. I want to go back to school but with out transportation it makes it harder on me to work and study at the same time. I had a ruff life growing up around drugs and gangs that i’v found a way to use it as a excuse, for not finishing school or anything ales. I log into a computer and I search ways on becoming a batter person. But the stress i go thro every day just makes me forget of changing…..but im try this and starting today I’m try to become successful I’n life. Tomorrow I’m going to wake up early and not over sleep. I’m call schools for GED preparation and I’m try to do better because I know I can expect seeing more from my self. Reading this really gave me a jump start back to reality :)

I am so glad to hear you say that to Kevin. I actually logged on tonight on this website randomly because I was having trouble tonight with something I should have realized years ago. Thank you for saying that asking the question means that you can find the answer. I needed to hear that tonight. Thank you thank you thank you.

And another thing is that i cant open up to people and tell them how i feel i keep it all in and let it build up until it all comes our and then it just makes things worse and i am tired of it i really need to start to be a better person and i just need some advice froms someone and some pionters on how to be a better person

@ jann kevin,
hey,
u r right…..u r too young to loose trust in yourself!!!
life is not that bad!!!
ur line-“t would be nice to talk with anyone who may understand.” caught me.
if u wanna talk u can mail me to isabellakk185@gmail.com

I have never actually thought about finding something that makes me want to be better. It’s not that I didn’t already have something like that, but I never thought about owing my very best to that special thing. Tomorrow I think I’ll live my life like I owe my very best to the things I do.

I feel like I hit rock bottom at my job today and do want to become a better person because I would make me a better employee. I feel like I have low self-esteem at work, everyone is talking about me and I can not do anything right. I feel as though the world is against me. I don’t want to quit my job because my attitude will go right into the next one. I feel as though I am great at what I do but I get in my own way with the way that I treat people sometimes. Wow, did I really just write that.

I don’t want to do this for anyone else but myself. 34 years old and need to start living. I have been through a lot in my life that most people haven’t gone through but don’t trust anyone to talk to. I have a great loving husband but don’t think that he would understand, I feel like their my problems and don’t want to burden anyone else with them but now this is stopping me from being a great person. I just feel like I am alone and lost in this crazy world. I just hope that this is a start and would love to change.

“:Never do I fish as attentively as when I’m on the North Umpqua. I feel I owe the river the very best I have to offer, after all, the river has given its very best to me. The North Umpqua makes me want to be a better fly fisherman.”

Sit with the people nearest to you,pour your hart out and tell them what you need to do

Great advice Patrick. I’m 17 and going to college (I live in the UK) Recently I have fallen out with a great many friends over my opinionated attitude and views. Seemingly, This has caused many issues for me and I know this now and want to become a better person. Although, whilst I know the very basics to solving this, I often clash with my pride which tells me “stick up for your opinion no matter what”. This often causes disputes and arguments, which in the heat of the moment seem justified and righteous, but later I feel are wrong. How do I live my life in a fashion to which I can respectfully state my opinion and hear others without feeling head strong and being agressive?

Hi Alex, whenever there is an imbalance in the “equal respect for yourself and others” area, there is always fear involved, e.g. of being viewed as weak if you agree, or on the other hand, of disappointing others. I find that it takes time to find that place where you are clear about where you stand, even still having those fears, yet WITH respect for both parties. I try to look inside myself and recognise any fears and then adjust my reaction to it if I know it is counterproductive. If you focus on yourself and others as being wonderful human beings who all have to learn, and practise letting go of fear, or ignoring it and choosing a more courageous path – I imagine that would help greatly to become your true self.

All of us have qualities that are good and some that are… well maybe not so good. What if being a better person is simply finding a way to grow what’s best in you?

If attention is given to the negative, the negative prevails, but if positive is recognized and treated well, it flourishes. It has been sagely said that we all have a good dog and a bad dog within. It is the one that is fed the most grows the strongest.

The hardest part about being a better person is that it’s a lonely place. When you truly grow, most others will not understand you, and you cannot impose your understanding on them. Being a better person often means giving up justifications and righteousness, and letting yourself and others be.

I really fell in love with my new boyfriend and this boy is almost like no other person Ive ever found. I think it took a while to sink in through this month we started dating. After today’s date I realized this. I feel I need to step up to high new level of my best in life.

I also remember how this felt four years ago, challenging myself to be a better person since 8th grade ended. I picture tomorrow like being unrebellious and humble to any nagging from my parents. Also I shall grow my faith in God. Just like the time in the summer when I learned to skateboard, playguitar, and be more outgoing :). I’m stoked.

I am always finding new ways to think, feel and react to my circumstances in a different way.. so that it helps me know how a different person would feel at that situation.. does that make sense? :P
Any way i’m going to try this experiment right from the time i wake up till i’m back to bed. I’m excited! :)
[Wrote it down on my ‘To do’ list so that i dont forget :D ]

I really think it’s great that we all took the step and Google’s ” how to be a better person”…makes me feel good knowing I’m not the only one struggling. 25 years old, just finished college and got engaged. However, my drug and alcohol use is a crutch I want to get rid of. I wanna be a betterperson in all my relationships , especially with myself. Good luck to all and Congrats on our courage :)

Like most everyone else, I came to your page after Googling ‘how to be a better person’. It was a bit of a last ditch act of desperation to turn my attitude around and gather different reactions from people as I firmly believe that the negativity I was receiving was because I was putting a lot of it out there.

Your advice was no great revelation to me but it must have been what I was looking for when I Googled the phrase – some confirmation of what I knew I had to do. After reading your page, I agreed to myself that I would take up that challenge for the next day but then realised there was no reason I couldn’t start reacting differently immediately and so it began.

I’ve been trying your experiment to a degree all week and I have been having a more positive expeirnce than I’d usually have. Just focussing on what you are putting out there and how you are reaping that back is my version of your challenge and thanks for helping down this path. Hopefully I can keep it up and live a much nicer life without the added aggro I was attracting.

i tried this and it actually is interesting. for me my best self was envisioned as wearing clothes that compliment my figure and give me confidence. this best self also is motivated and takes pleasure in simple tasks, is confident and assertive and bubbly.

so i did it, i woke up today and put on a cute lil outfit with bright colours (both of these on any given day are a rare occurance for me), and went about doing things that i would typically put off ’til a later date, (such as paying rent, getting groceries..not really great things to put off : / ).

i felt good because i was putting my best forward. this is not the most desireable form of confirmation; however, i’ve been getting hit on all day by strangers even.

i’m slightly puzzled because i didn’t know i had it in me to be happy. i also don’t believe this is a false confidence. it is my best self and that is real.

Your blog is truly inspiring. I wish more people could learn to let go of the petty fears of criticism and rejection and just live their lives in a way that not only benefits themselves, but others around them. It only takes a smile, a “thank you”, or a hand shake to brighten someone’s day. Your postings are lovely and seem sincere. Keep it up!!

Micah – I have news… you are ALWAYS going to have a lot of things going on in your life. I don’t think life ever gives anyone any downtime so that they can make changes. We just have to want to change enough to start making the changes (however small) despite how busy we are.

Hello everyone, i am 31, and i felt so left out, i am not a degree holder, and i don’t know how to be a better person, i used to ask myself ,why i am so unlucky…i am so envy with all my cousin’s they finished college and they have a good life a contented life…i really need help, i have no one to talk to, and i have no one to turn to when ever i feel misserable…please help me!

Dianne – my suggestion would be to stop envying your cousins and spend more time asking yourself what you want out of YOUR life (not theirs). What does a ‘good and contented life’ look like for Dianne? Then start moving towards THAT.

Hi. I found this blog because I am looking for ways to better myself. I have overcome such adversity in my life, but I found out I have been doing a lot of things wrong. I need a guide to help me be a better person so I can attract better friends and have a better life. :) I don’t want much in life except great friends and peace. :)

There is never a time when I give life my best if I believe I “have too” do somthing. When I “want to do somthing” I feel alive and free when I devote myself to the action. So the key is too know myself, know what I value, know what inspires me, and use that understanding to change my mind from “having to” to “wanting too”. I resited cleaning my whole life, it was a chore, I had to do it. And guess what? I was sloppy. I knew I wanted to improve in the area of self love, that self love would make me happy, and I valued being happy and that being neat and organized was an approach to practing self love, and if I practice self love, I will master self love so I changed my mind and made an agreement with myself that I want to clean, I value being neat and organized and I devoted myself too it 100% and guess what? I find joy in washing the dishes, I feel content folding towels, it makes me happy to make my bed in the morning. Every day I learn how to become more and more skillful at cleaning I dont care if anyone approves of my neatness and organization. I do it becuse I love it, I enjoy it, i do it because I want tool

IMHO if you’re overcoming adversity – you’re not doing anything “wrong”. As for surrounding yourself with better friends… have you made a list of what qualities you want in a great friend? If not, write that up and then start looking. You might want to check out meetup.com and see if you can find groups of like-minded people to hang out with. (That’s just one idea – there are 100’s of ways)

I have been doing some research the past few days and reading all kinds of comments/blogs about how people are wanting to make a difference in their lives to overcome whatever situation they may be in or have experienced in the past.

I liked this post very much because even for me, I never would have thought to even think to give my best at every single daily activity for many of us would only apply a good attitude to things that we do best. No matter what stage we are in our lives, to have this way of thinking would help us to manage our fears and overcome them with a better sense of knowing that you can deal with issues and move in a positive direction and not be held back from what you want to achieve in life.

I thought life was pretty good for me. My job is so-so, but it’s not bad, I live in a better environment than a few months ago, I have a degree, and I’m healthy. Today I just lost my boyfriend to my quick temper and my ruthless mouth. I thought being truthful was an admirable trait, but I continuously crossed the line. The biggest mistake was doing it with him. I cut him down when he would never do that to much to the extent that I went. I feel ashamed, embarrassed, sad, angry, and stupid.

I know the failing of our relationship wasn’t all my fault, or at least I don’t think it is. I just don’t know anymore. I don’t want to be so ugly anymore. I don’t want to lose anyone else.

Leslie – it can be very tricky to balance being true to yourself (the truthful trait you spoke about) against what other people want / expect from us. When I wrote about giving your life the best you have to offer, I am NOT suggesting you sacrifice your true feeling I the process.

..I feel stuck..i feel like there is nothing thats gonna make me feel like i’m being a better person ..People already know you for who you are..people that have known you for years . There is one particular person an ex we are going through a custody battle and i can see myself acting like a fool . I keep telling myself i want to be a better person take the high road and not make things difficult..but its easier said than done. I want to be a better person for my baby..its just so hard

I am only 17 years and i have messed my life up since i was 4.. everything i do i just quit and im always positive with others but when it comes to myself i feel negative and i feel like im alone and no one can help me..i feel no one out there has done this i can only trust 3 people and i disappoint my parents constantly..my parents said friday “we cant go a single week without you fucking up a good time, so why dont you change for us because your decisions are the worst.” nothing i do is right but it is how i feel the only thing i can do is keep my current girlfriend happy and make sure my friends get home safely while they are drunk… nothing in my life is right i am in the middle of school right now and i am on the verge of tears because i cant open up to anyone i just need help to change the way i act and to change the decisions i choose. because right now everyone is always upset with me and keeps me lonely and i only can get 1-2 hours of sleep…i need some huge psychological help in everything about my life.
James

Hey James – Is there a counselor at your school that you could talk with? It would probably really help to have someone impartial to talk to about all of this. I remember that 17 can be a tough age. I know it feels like you’ve messed up your entire life, but you need to trust me when I say that it gets better. (I really HATED when adults would tell me that when I was a teenager, but now I know that they were right.) Hang in there!

thanks i did that and now i keep myself occupied by working out doing my dads projects around the house..i eat healthy and i have gotten better outside of school my only problem is that im not doing well in school but i think i can change that soon..Thank you for the advice..my school counselor really hellped and told me to read a book that i need to get and that is: what color is you parachute. again thanks for the advice

thanks i did that and now i keep myself occupied by working out doing my dads projects around the house..i eat healthy and i have gotten better outside of school my only problem is that im not doing well in school but i think i can change that soon..Thank you for the advice..my school counselor really helped and told me to read a book that i need to get and that is: what color is you parachute. again thanks for the advice

Hi
I am going to try this tomorow I feel as if I need to. But I also feel as if I need to explain how I came upon this in the first place.
I recently cheated on my boyfriend (not proud of this). I was going to stay in a hotel with a guy I had been seeing for a couple of months because we were going snow boarding the next day up in the mountains. The night before we were gonna go snow boarding we decided to have dinner in this bar which was also a restaurant. After dinner we stayed and started drinking we were having a lot of fun dancing and doing karaoke. We ended up getting really drunk and leaving sometime on our drive to the hotel we started fighting and it became a fist fight to where I got a black eye and everything. Well we never made it to the hotel, at a red light I was trying to run away from this man and 2 other men heard me screaming and came to help me so I left with them. Even though I was afraid of leaving with two strangers I was more afraid of the guy I was seeing. By now its like three in the morning and it turned out that these 2 men were out doing drug runs. They kept me with them for a few hours then told me they were gonna buy me some food and take me home which was really far away. we went to a donut shop and they bought me a donut. By this time it was only one man, he said he had to get something from his car. I finished my donut and went outside and he had left me there and taken all of my things, my luggage and purse with all my money and credit cards and id, I literally had nothing. I walked to a laundro mat where a man let me borrow his phone and I called the only number I knew by memory, my boyfriends. so I sat in this cold laundro mat for 3 hours untill my boyfriend finally arrived I was so happy to see him. by the time I get home its 9 in the morning and i had not gotten any sleep. He drops me off at our apartment and when I enter it is complely empty he had taken everything while I was gone over the weekend exept for the 2 cats. I had to sleep on the bedroom floor in dirty blankets. I also happen to get my period that day and had a terrible flu the rest of the week from being out in the cold. I feel a little depressed and have not been attending to school or work as I should. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me because I feel that I brought this upon myself but I just want to make things better and Im not exactly sure how.

My suggestion is to be sure not to get down on yourself about all of this. Tomorrow is an excellent time to start fresh. If you sincerely offer your life the best you have to give, things will surely get better. Give your life the best you have to offer and you’ll make better choices, surround yourself with better people and be happier with yourself.

I honestly believe that people can change, but mostly through no effort of their own and extremely rarely when they try. This is mostly due to the fact that we feel, after a certain amount of work put into something, we can give up and the universe will magically reward us by sustaining the results we have. Unfortunately this is all hollywood bull because the universe doesn’t give a damn about anything we do and will constantly throw us curve balls because it’s changing as well. Hence people change without trying because circumstance do. Your job is to use your “god given gift” as a human and adapt.

I agree with what you say in this article but people sometimes don’t know where to start. My advice: realize you’re an animal and apply it to everything. The first thing animals do when they wake up is stretch; next they try to eat and all throughout the day they are working out because if they don’t they die. So if you want to be a better you, your very very very first priority is your health, because that’s your only reason for doing anything. Stretch, eat and run (or swim if you’re a fish). Stop the self pitty because EVERYONE has something shitty to talk about.

Changing DOES require effort – that is the “free will” if you like to decide to act in new ways, break out of old habits, go against the voice of fear (whilst accepting that fear as part of you). NOONE achieves change without conscious choice. Courage doesn’t happen passively. All my fundamental shifts have required circumstance to be responded to actively. I agree that good physical health is important but illness can be a huge motor for waking up to the ability to change. Many people only change destructive habits when their body screams at them to give it the attention it needs. Health means mental and physical. I know a woman with cancer who is mentally more healthy than some of the fittest sportspeople out there. That is number one. When we grow old and die, it doesn’t mean we give up trying to develop ourselves because our bodies are weak. That would be like losing to life.

Matt, I love your post. You sound so intelligent about life. Change does require a willing body to change. Free will can be a good thing and it is the catalyst for change, if a person decides to change themselves. Ah, just love your post. Love it.

I agree that when people do put in effort to change its very hard work and requires effort. But, it’s only hard because it goes against an established lifestyle and way of thinking. It’s easier to be apathetic about something than active so many of the changes people make aren’t sustained and they relapse.

Also, I don’t believe in much of a free will outside of what “our” minds allow. I don’t think any of us fundamentally chose anything in our lives. I didn’t choose to be human, or to be a male or want a job or think the way I think or to be me, I just want or am those things. And, even if I want to change and push against my limitations, its instinct not free will. Free will implies a separation from nature and we’re not. Letting go of identity is the ability to make extreme changes easy because the mind isn’t blocked by what you or I or whoever considers absolutely must be right. When in reality nothing is black and white. Anything becomes possible after detaching from who you think you are.

I believe that the mind is drastically more powerful than the body and can only fully be put to use when you let go of things that aren’t yours to begin with; like someone faced with death by cancer for instance. We are all energy and when I say that, I mean it in the most literal form. Energy belongs to the universe and when it wants it back it will take it. To be a better person or a better you is not your choice, it is a requirement as part of existence.

Yes, I see what you are getting at. The term free will goes only so far as the dictates of the universe, and in physical form especially, we are constrained, but the potential to expand is huge when those universal laws of consciousness are understood . This letting go you mention is essential to recognise if we are to become as free as possible. I tend to use the term free will because I often feel it awakens a sense of achieving the “impossible” if backed up by example, and we desperately need hope in this world. Most people still think small, therefore settle for destructive elements to progress unchallenged. The choice of stepping outside of the comfort zone will always be there whether one is conscious of it or not. The choice of inspiring oneself and others and being kind or not is also there. Thanks for your elaboration!

Hi Kyle – I agree with your point that our job is to adapt, but I think we need to adapt in a conscious fashion. By that, I mean that we need to choose what sort of adaptations we are willing to make and what changes we want to work to avoid. Also, thanks for the reminder that our health is were we should start.

Just recently i started changing little things in my life. I started one day by changing the way i eat. than two days later by doing things like chores around the house. I than started to commit myself more to school and do a little bit more homework.I know I’m a potty mouth and at times can be really rude or childish; so started to watch what i say and act to a more appropriate level. tomorrow I want to start by showing the ones i love more appreciation by saying thank you and smiling more often. All i can say is changing to a better person i possible but you truly have to be committed. the last couple of days I’ve been really happy and i cant ask for anything more. Each and every one of us has the potential to change :)

I jus recently started blogging… infact Yestaday was jus my first blog day of my life… but i went through couple of blog and this is one of the most inspiring blog I have been through these couple of years.. really inspiring…

The last few years I have been kiding myself doing horrible things that no man/ or woman should do, but this post has inspired me to do the very best I can at everything, and become a better person. So I would like to thank Patrick Mathieu very much for his inspirational words.

I love your inspiration but I really feel the need to write this: How can you be the best wife, mother, teacher, mentor, daughter, sister, worker, friend, chef, housecleaner, billpayer, taxicab driver, socialogist, psycologist, seamstress, driver, listener, walker, bather, President, CFO and CEO all at the same time. Too many burdens right now to be a better person.

Sometimes you have to suck at being the above just to get your point accross – LOL

It’s bot a competition, and we don’t have to excel in all fields! it’s more about giving the best YOU can in any one moment. Sometimes we are tired or stressed . under par – but we still have the choice to do the most we can to bring out our qualities. It doesn’t mean spending more energy than we have, rather making the most, and learning from any situation. We shouldn’t expect to be perfect, however, and letting go of imperfection and “mistakes” is just as fundamental to our well-being. I generally find that there is more capacity for being a noble and happy person than – I think when times are hard.

We can’t expect things to always go our way. Obstacles are solutions.

Look at figures in history who never gave in to pressures that could have resulted in loss of humanity – Gandhi, Martin Luther King – they all suffered huge hardships but recognized the unfailing spirit.

What a wonderful simple experiment that everyone should try, conscious living. Being the best you can be isn’t easy so I hope you don’t mind me sharing another wonderful free resource that actually takes you through the “How to”, Venus Cow.

I have always been a person that have wanted to make everyone around me happy, I use to take everything my ex would dish out & it’s been 12yrs since that & then I stopped, Now I am in heated custody battle & no support since 2008, My parents do not talk to me since I started a new life with a new partner, I have not married and have a child, In all this mess lost my job, In a depression kept all the Baby weight I gained and have a second child after 12 years. I just helped my partner with the death of his Mother that I took care of. I used all my savings to fix fathers home while lived before moving in with my Partner. I just keep trying to help everyone else & now have no money, owe for my lawyers services, seem to not be able to get help with my 2yr old to find a job, now way over weight ! feeling lost! I have been caring,loving and stepped away to start over & now I am stuck! I love life just how to fix mine?

I am so sorry to hear that you are not well Griselda, really. I just got out of the service a couple years ago and I am just now starting to feel like I have a grip on my life. Change takes time, and I remember reading on a Chinese food fortune cookie one night that “change can happen, but you cannot push the river.” That fortune statement is so true. Please do not give up okay? God is waiting for you to ask him for help and He patiently waits for you to talk to him about what is hurting you so He can help. He waited 28 years for me, and I can’t believe it took me this long to figure out that He was the one carrying me through all of my trials and errors over the years, and I have been through plenty. God will give you hope, faith, and trust, but more important He will give you confidence for you to grow, and develop. I would like to talk with you actually Griselda? Can you write me back?

Everyone struggles from time to time with asking for help with certain issues, I know that first hand, but your inner strength will guide you if you let it. And sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do to get the result you want. And if people in your life that really do love you and say they care will offer help to you or get you moving in some way: phone call to say hi. One thing I learned that helped me get through my ups and downs was staying busy. Busy for me was dangerous because it dealt with my health, but none the less I focused on the priorities in my life and managed those the best I could. There were some days that I did not want to do anything, I was moody, or I did not want to be around anybody or talk to anybody because I was so upset inside, but “this too shall pass” I heard awhile back and thought about that sentence frequently. The only way out of something is through, remember that. Doing for others also helped me. I felt better doing for other people, and it didn’t mean not taking care of myself or keeping up with my daily routine, because we all need a routine by human nature, but for me getting involved with organizations that need me or that I am interested in participating in helped. Often times when we focus so intently on a particular event in our lives it is easy let other critical elements to drift away and keeping your priorities number one will help with that, and sooner or later the good will come out of whatever situation that you are dealing with. I have been reading the bible again, and to reflect on Matt’s comments earlier, yes, prayer does help, but there are ways to pray and how to pray and the bible will teach you that. My brother is very knowledgeable with bible teachings and when I got back into the bible readings he nudged me to read the book of Daniel. It really opened my eyes to another language in the world when I began reading the bible again. Hang in there Griselda there is light at the end of the tunnel, and you will make it through! Matt was right about attracting hardship, but know that whatever you do you won’t be able to do it for long until you take care of yourself first :) I re-learn that concept every day personally :) It is hard to want to focus on yourself when there is so much suffering in the world, isn’t it? Glad you typed in your response, I was thinking about you this afternoon. One more thing. Over the years when I was unsure about people because I let others hurt me, I watched and observed other people and how they reacted to other people or how they treated other people. Seeing how other people acted in kindness restored my faith in goodness once again. I still struggle with that just because we all have our own issues, but I saw that there was still goodness left in the world and I wanted to be a part of that for me. I needed to know that there were good people in the world left. Sometimes you just need to get away from situations to see the light you need to see and make the change you need to make for yourself. That works too, but again whatever decision you make and wherever you are continue to make the best of it! Smiling is infectious and others will learn from you! Sounds like you know how to be positive in stressed situations, that is a good quality to have, build on that too…sending an email hug your way…:)

That all sounds very painful, indeed. It could be that you seek to be loved by sacrificing yourself instead learning to love yourself more. Sometimes we do things for others, not because it feels right or good, but because we think we will be loved for it. We confuse loving with sacrificing because we are afraid of not being loved by others and because we aren’t aware of our inner beauty. When we don’t respect our own needs, we may well lose respect from others and attract hardship. If this makes sense to your situation you can learn from the pattern of hurtful events which only really serve to show you the right path.

PS – I have nothing against faith on God, but be aware that life or God gives you free will to choose new paths with determination and courage. Change won’t be handed you on a plate – you alone can decide to change. Having said that, prayer can really help in times of dire need!

Tomorrow morning I will start my day with a clean slate and be the best ME I can be. And that includes all areas of my life. The whole thing but as long as I can give it my best ME it’s a day worth living.

I do try this from time to time, but I find it difficult to maintain the drive to finish out the day with such a great attitude. I’m great as long as I’m moving and have assignments at a constant pace, but then I get to work with a smile on my face and sit down. An hour goes by and I start feeling dull. I take a walk to try to re-energize and get that good feeling of motivation back. I return to my desk and sit with every intention of reading or answering my emails with the best of what I have to offer, but then the emails are gone, and I have a quiet 2 hours to kill. I try to meditate in those quiet moments with the hopes of finding “inner peace” and contentment of having nothing to do…every day. Other than thoughtfully repeating why my fiance’s mother and son don’t like me much at all, I do that at my best. I start looking at the time so that I can go to lunch. When the hour strikes, I GO! I find a moment of satisfaction with something to do!!! I take the stairs to the cafeteria instead of the elevator and I choose the healthiest thing I can find – usually a sushi plate with a small cup of soup, preferably a broth. I return to my desk. I notice that I have another email or two to answer that just might contain an assignment that will fill my next 30 minutes. I also do this with the best attitude I can muster; after all, I’ve just eaten and am feeling pretty lethargic at this time. Boy, if I could be lethargic at my best, I’d keep a pillow in my cubicle; but I don’t for hopes that my phone will ring, which it might! My fiance usually calls to tell me how he spent the whole morning installing phone lines into the infrastructure of a building and how he had to call the dispatcher 4 times from his cell phone to get clarity on his next job assignment at a different building later in the day; oh! and what are we having for dinner tonight? Yes, this is a pretty uniform phone call.

I usually leave work an hour earlier than I’m supposed to because my car is parked in a 9:30am-4:00pm zone. Otherwise, I would pay $22/day. I’m kind of proud of the fact that I’ve gotten away a bit with a shortened workday and a free ride! Of course gas costs a pretty penny, but that’s not too bad as long as I choose to saddle up in my beat up Hyundai that uses a string to tie the hood down. That car is AMAZING with gas mileage. I’m then on my way to pick up my two children, where I find that at least one needed to see the principal or be spoken to by the teacher, or failed a test. Then I’m off to pick up my fiance’s son, a 12 year old boy who hates me with every ounce of his being and refuses to speak to me for the hour ride home. Each of the three children are in different schools, so beating the clock to pick each one up before I’m charged an arm and a leg, is quite a challenge. But what satisfaction it brings when I succeed!!!! Honestly, the late fees do not bother me as much as it bothers my fiance, who will go into a spat about how money is better spent than to deal with programs that charge late fees…ROAR!!! I just take a deep breath with every intention of being his available ear to these rants when I get home. I hope to lend him that comfort at my best at the end of the day.

I’m not that great of a cook so admittedly I usually feel a little anxiety when I’m making dinner because I know that someone is going to complain about it. My hopes are to hear a minimum of one complaint; and if there are none, WOW!! What a tall glass of water that is!!! After all, I’ve just dealt with a mountain of complaints coming home because that’s when homework and chores are due to be done and there is never a day that goes by when the sound of dying cats vibrate off of the walls…”…but I don’t waaaannnaaaaaa”. The three kids are 12, 11, and 10, but if I could change their already early bedtime from 8:30pm to 7, I would love to at this point in the day…of course I wouldn’t do that though. Instead I sacrifice my personal need for peace and quiet after picking up the three kids and dealing with such a range of emotions from them and from within AFTER my very dull day at work, that I give them their time to be kids. I just pray no one makes another cry by the time they need to get ready for and go to bed! It’s not always easy to have that extra time to play a game together on the weekday when I must still clean up and wash three loads a laundry a night (sometimes more if I just say, ‘screw the laundry today, I’ll do it all tomorrow”.) Oh!! did I mention squeezing in violin, piano, basketball practices and games, softball practices and games, soccer practices and games, AND sunday school with no days off for myself nor with my honey?

Wait a minute, I now feel exhausted just THINKING about my daily routine. Not only that, but I’ve totally lost track of my desire to start off my day and maintain my VERY BEST DAY! I don’t know, maybe I’ll just have to try again tomorrow.

I do try to do different things every day, so that I can experience a tiny bit of excitement in my life other than the daily norm. For example, two weeks ago, I decided to try out an introduction week to Bikram Yoga; last week, I started using the gym at work and have gone twice; and then today, I signed myself up for a 10-day Vipassana Meditation course that I’m hoping will be useful to me for those moments that I am passing some of that AMPLE time at work. I CAN’T WAIT!

This sounds an awful like lot me. Not just like me.. but alot. I try to see the good in everyday but it’s so hard. I feel all the obstacles I’ve over come haven’t made me stronger or better-but more depressed, sour and bitter with how my life has been.. with how it’s turning out. I’d really like to feel excitement and wonder with the world again. It’s strange but I kind of always dream of running off to help people in different countries all over the world. Not like Germany or France.. but 3rd world countries where there is real suffering so I can see how lucky I am. Occasionally I get a taste of how lucky I am and then something eventually brings me down and then I feel it’s all monotonous again.

Maybe you should run away – and take your kids to be missionaries of some sort. I know this is probably the worst advice ever. It’s just what I feel like doing alot.

Let me know if your life becomes life changing and what it was that changed. Good Luck! ;)

I too always have this desire within to take my kids to a 3rd world country to do something helpful and useful. It would feel so great instilling that kind of reality and compassion in my kids. I would like to think that I could afford something like that one day; not to mention, finding the guidance for a program that accepts families in that type of environment…especially a single woman with to young girls!

What is one in my (or our) position to do to find the daily strive to be our best on every other day though? That’s a struggle.

Matt is right. Life is not easy, but when you find what really drives your passions I find that that makes any trial experienced worth it. I had a supervisor awhile back that said “eventually the pain and the tears will stop”, and it will. You have found this blog and sincerely “feel” about it so that tells me that you have not lost your ambition or drive to change, so go with that. As long as you feel this way and it concerns you, “How To Be A Better Person,” you cannot go wrong. People who are lost, and struggle in life need a purpose. When they understand why they exist, the rest will come in time. And so will the change to be a better person. It took me awhile, but after years of doctors telling me to find a spiritual side for healing, I finally did it, and I feel a lot better, which allows me to naturally let my personality and character be the person I need to be. And when I did that, change took place inside me. Life and the people in it will change you, no doubt, but you can use that experience and trial to give hope to others, which will positively change you, and let others know that you have survived something horrible and are here to tell about it. When we are going through trials in life it is very easy to forget yourself and your needs, which is why we need other people from the “outside looking in” to tell us where we are so we can get ourselves back together again. Those simple acts of caring: a thoughtful comment, baking cookies for someone, or stopping to have a 5 min conversation with someone who feels lonely; those are the things that make you feel human and connected with others, and it is those things that will “positively” change you, and eventually infect others to find ways to better themselves. Besides, if we weren’t trying to better ourselves and grow, what else would we be doing? And truly, what would be the reason for doing anything? And to again build on Matt’s comment, we ARE born to overcome, we just have to want it bad enough. When we want someone bad enough nothing will stop us. WIllpower will get you through anything, and people meant to be in your life from past, present, and future will be the catalyst for that willpower. Keep your head up and stay strong, you will get through whatever you are dealing with I promise. Stay positive and continue to keep your priorities in check, which will help you :) Hope this helps :) I found this blog for my own reasons too :)

Great thanks for your reply Mr patrick.. I hope you will not be unsure that what Kind of a person I am. . I just wanted to open up myself and need a tremendous change in myself. Let me first answer to your questions.

Here it is..

1.I want myself to a self confident , a broad minded and a tension free person.

2. Its important for me to change for my own benefits.. coz, to an extend it affects my family life which I consider as a gift of God. My spouse is a very understanding loving and I have a sweet child too.. However as I am always in tension for one or the other reasons, I will show my sadness either keeping quite for long time or will show as anger ( sometimes I shouts) to everything when I am with my family. Its true that every children first school is home, definitely if i continue the same, my child also will copy me, and behave the same which I really don’t want. My character is like daily my mind will be explore for tension, if i don’ get , will some how create one.. I knew all these are wrong still i am not able to change myself.. Many times I have taken resolutions to change, never worked out.

Next , sometimes i feel that I have multiple personality,- Eg: even if I don’t like a person, I would act that I am loving ,caring ( any how these persons are not from my first family) ,and later if someone talks some gossips about the same person, I would sit in curious .. I am a person who praise people which I really don’t like, but just for the sake of living – can be my colleague or relative but in my mind I would thnk differently – just for the sake of peace.. and going forward feeling like I am doing something injustice to myself and it kills my peace .

I have lot of friends, But never had a good friend. I am very open minded , a small incident in my life, i would share with all my friends ( whom i thought as my good friends) , and the same i expected from them also. later i understood they are very clever , for them i was just a friend.If somebody advise me ( eg: my sweet hubby) it would last for that day or two and i will go back to my own character.

It is true that i have certain good personality , like, I don;t like to make anyone sad , insult in any ways. I am a very kind hearted person. Ready to give anyting which is possible for me if my friends or relatives are in problem. I love all of them to the best . However In my life, all were with me if they want something from me, after that I was nothing for them.

So Mr Patrick, the above is just a small picture of me. I would appreciate if y ou can give me your valuable advise..

i need help feeling better about myself and being a better person towards others. i constantly am being told that i am a bosy brate but i want so much to be better than that. i want to always be able to put others feelings before my own and i know that it will be hard to change so much. i am allways told that i shouldnt care what others think so i was a little ify at first but now i feel that i am not doing this for the people that are mean enough to point out my flaws (as if i dont already see them) i am doing this for me and myself, the ones around me simply get to benefit from it so thank you so much for the inspiration. :D

I don’t show my feelings I’m scared of saying or doing the wrong thing so I sit in my office alone, at break in the staffroom I feel vulnerable, I prefer to eat my lunch alone sat in the sunshine. I see others are so lovely and I yearn to be like them but I’m certain it’s too late for me now. If I changed people wouldn’t recognise me. Where do I learn to love myself?

I haven’t been happy at all lately…….So many things have changed in my life in the past couple of years….I was not prepared for these changes…..as a result I’ve stopped trying to be happy or trying to be me…i’ve tried to please others so much that I’ve lost sense of who i really am and now when I look in the mirror I really don’t like the person I see. I have no motivation to get up in the morning and start my day.
The reason I don’t love myself anymore is because i’ve been trying so hard to be something I’m not and I spent the whole night crying because there is something that’s missing in my life and it’s been missing for so long I’m not even sure how to get it back……what’s been missing is me, the true me…I’m tired of being what i don’t want to be because it makes others happy so today I’m deciding to put a stop to all of this.
I’m going to work on finding me again and loving me because if I don’t love myself I can never be a better person…….I think that the day I do become a better person will be the day that I find true happiness………I’m going to try my best to make that cahnge today….so after I’m done typing this I’m going to hop in the shower, step out the door and go register in school again and I’m going to go and buy something for me….because i’d like to pamper myself a little and in the afternoon I’ll play my guitar with out picking up the phone or having anyone distract me…….and before bed I’ll take some time to draw once again.
I’m also going to call my mother and father who I haven’t spoken to for a long time…..and I’m going to call my best friend to tell her I’m going to visit…..and I’ll buy a ticket to go to my home town……so i can get away from my stressful life here for some time.
Thankyou so much for this article…..I was googling “how to be a better person” and found this.

Your blog is so how my life is, trying to make others happy all the time forgetting about me. I need to try hard for myself now and not worry what others think of me. I need to realise I can’t make everyone happy all of the time and I can’t make people like me, no matter how I try. It’s going to be a hard journey and I’m glad I found this website

to sandra:
i tried it i really did i just simply felt happier! no it dosnt get rid of hormones but it eases the rollercoaster so its not so unbarable. it is nice to know i can fall back on this trick if i ever have my doughts. i draw too it is an emense stress reliever it helps to zone out and just draw it is theraputic and entertaining. i think your coment was very good and i hope you do like your self because i am sure you are a wonderful person and i think it is easier to like yourself once you know that others like you. i went through the same thing for a while and i do wish everyone in the world happiness especially in the one life that we get! ^_^

I need advice and I don’t know how to handle the situation I’m in or change myself for the better (for the sake of me and my relationsihp).

Me and my boyfriend have known eachother for some time now, but have only started dating recently (a month). Within that month I questioned my trust in him, twice. The second time (which happened this week) is what set him off. I tried apologizing because I knew I was in the wrong for that but now he feels that he doesn’t have to give it his all anymore because it will be repaid with me questioning him again.

I don’t know how to handle the situation, how to make him change back to the caring and sweet person he use to be not even 2 weeks ago. It is really taking a toll on me mentally and emotionally, as I feel stuck, lost, confused, and I fear things won’t get better. I really need help to understand what I can do for our relationship and myself!

I just stumbled upon this blog and I feel it was for a reason. Lately I have been very depressed because I too am struggling with being the best I can be. I feel the harder I try, the more resistance I get. I have a wonderful husband and family, but I just can’t seem to figure out what it is I’m supposed to be doing with my life. I am hoping that with some self improvement I will be able to gain some insight and create a happier life for myself.

Knowing there are so many people going through the same phase as me is comforting in a way. I think I will do us all good if we could start a support group to help each other out and be there for each other.

Wonderful post. What if we didnt need to collect so much, if we held our self to certain standards reguardless of others. Where we didnt fear and our only thought was love. Be charitable,helpful and truly care of others as you care about your self. Accept others knowing there not you nor at times act as you would. The cup is half full :)

i have just recently come out of a year and a half mediocre relationship. i loved him but was not in love with him… or who i was becoming. i have to admit though i admired the way he thought about what made him happy and i strived to be the same… but first i strived to be the thing that made him happy which was a huge mistake. now that it is over and i am about to graduate from college and move half way around the world i have decided that becoming a better person is my top priority. i want to wake up and be happy with who i am… so i am going to try this. i have that thing that makes me want to be better and do well… i just need a better reason behind it.

Hi, my name is Stephanie, I’m 17 this year and lately I’ve been through a lot. I’ve pushed a few people away from me, and it’s just come to me for a while now, I need to refresh myself and start being a better person. I get told I take my anger out on people who mean the most to me, and I don’t do it with any intentions and it’s just hurting me and them.
All my anger and just all my stress is mostly because of family. Dad died back in 2008 and it affected me a lot. Me and mum don’t get a long at all and we’ve moved into her new mans place. I’ve known my step dad for my whole life and now that mum and him are now together it’s affecting me a lot cause mums put l her priorities into this new family and not me. I get so caught up in everything I break down a lot and I just have no one to talk to, gotta admit sometimes I feel like I have depression cause it gets to me that bad. This is why I feel like I need to stand up and make myself a better person. This advice and challenge seems like a good start to begin with.
Thank you for the wonderful idea to start making me be a better person

I just wanted to support you in your wanting to work and make changes and live your life!

Sometimes I like to look at it as moving more towards my true self. Because I think within us we have so much potential and are capable of doing and being such incredible people. We just learned ways of being and habits that aren’t the best for us or others.

It sounds like you have a lot going on. Please be gentle on yourself!! I’m finding at 27, that really growing takes a lot of loving-kindness towards myself. And, creating the life I want means treating myself the way I want to be treated, creating my environment, everything.. This includes being with people, making friends, asking for support, talking to a therapist. I’ve definitely felt that therapy has helped me. And, I think that looking back family therapy would have really helped my family. It would have helped me express myself, be my own person, recognize my own needs. And it would have helped all of us see each others perspectives, and hold us accountable.

You can do it!! Don’t forget to have fun!!

All the best to you!!
Lee

I recommend “How to Be an Adult” By David Richo. It’s way nicer than it sounds. It talks about boundaries, having needs, facing fears in a healthy way, being assertive.. in a very kind and clear way. So many things I wish someone would have taught me when I was your age.

“At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” — Lao Tzu

im currently a perfectionist and tend to always put myself down and compare myself to others. Im trying to change this and think more positively about things and be less particular. I have thought maybe by changing my instant reaction so take a step back and think of a more positive reaction- but when I do it I feel fake and as if its not really me (like im lying to myself) and that i can keep it up for a bit but then the old me will creep back.

Over the years, I’ve tried a number of strategies, but I never fail to seem to subconsciously (it just seems to kick in, so I’m assuming it’s subconscious) choose one of the worst ways to react to a given situation – and then feel miserable that it seems I was tested again and failed. Additionally, I always seem to gravitate towards negatively minded people, and we all end up feeding off eachother’s negativity – seemingly setting ourselves up for failure in any attempt to constructively deal with people in social/work situations. At 45 I don’t want to live as an ogre for the rest of my life, but I don’t know how to effectively and permanently eliminate the fierce momentum that seems to have been built up towards that end.

I’m going to give this a go. I did it today. I decided that my new ‘dead-end job’ is not ‘just another dead-end job’ that I am trapped in, but the (hopefully last) low-wage part-time job that is going to allow me the space and time to find the path out of minimum wagery and towards self-employment and development. Today I managed to be thankful for something that I have come to resent. I think they call this positive thinking? Rethinking this feels like turning a major corner in how I view my stuckness. I hope I can maintain this thinking somehow…that seems to be the hard bit!

i had a german g/f..we spent together one year…then she traveled to england to join uni…she surprised me by calling and saying that she wanna break up…i guess she found someone else who has money ,,job,,house,,etc

problem is that i cant forget her,,,2 years almost now and i still think of her,,,and what bother me alot that i remember only the bad memories with her…and i cant remember good memories…pls dont advise me to stop thinking and to recall the good memories only bec that all doesnt help,,,,i dont have a bottun on my body where i press on it to stope thinking…..she became very cruel,,,i cant even call her anymore or chat wiz her….may b she do that extra to help me to forget her,,and may be she doesnt have anymore time for me,,and may b i remind her bad memories,,even i loved her alot and she did the same,,,,,,,,,please help me,,,if anyone passed the same issue he will have an experience and he can advise me some way useful,,,,except STOP THINKING AND BE POSITIVE,,,that all bla bla !!!

Don’t stop thinking, that’s what separates us from animals of course it hurts but only as long as you let it, she’s obviously not a good person and as long as you carry that weight you’ll seem a less attractive proposition to anyone else that may be a good person and can make you happy, banishing the negative thoughts does take work and to follow the mantra on this page to the word isn’t really bring true to yourself. But act happy be charming act like if things are missing from your life it’s because you don’t want them as a very good friend once said to me ” if you forget your pretending, are you really still pretending”, just act as if you are the person you want to be and pretty soon you’ll become that person and all the things that would naturally gravitate towards tat person will come to you. I did it the other way round unfortunately pretended I was a bad mother f****r cause I had some stupid fascination with gangsters and all that bullshit!, pretty soon I was that person. I now know that it can work the other way and that trained patterns can become the norm even pretending to be happy when your not will eventually leave you forgetting it was a pretence. You’ll get over her but not until you realise that she is gone…..then you can line up the next hot girl. Jesus man your single and able to be answerable to no one !!! You can do anything !!!!

I’ve struggled to find anything positive about my job on and off for about a year . It’s not that simple to find new employment in the current climate so having reached a point where I’m bored of hearing myself moan about work I decided it was time to try to make the best of things and become a better person. So, I googled just that and found this site. I was inspired and vowed to wake up the very next morning with a positive attitude. However, the challenge began at 4am when I awoke and spent the following 3 and a half hours unable to get back to sleep because I was plagued with thoughts about tasks still to tackle at work, looming deadlines and worry about there not being enough time. Things did not improve once I got to work and I very quickly lost motivation to be the new more positive me. I shall endeavour to to try again. Something has got to change for my sanity’s sake.

Hi
I have been searching and searching for the better person inside of me. I wake up every day and say I will do better today i will be nice to all around me. But then I go to work and sadly there is one person that I find hard to tolerate. Many mistakes are made and all I feel is i am moaning and moaning to this person but i should be motiviating her but no i am de motivating her. That makes me a bad person. How can I find the patience within me that I once had when i was younger but after one marriage failure where i was physically abused and one serious failed relationship where i was mentally abused from his alcoholism and put downs and then resulting in commiting suicide. All i see is a bad nasty horrible person. Surely after being treated so wrongly i should be a better person. I know what i do i know i am horribly and but i struggle to change it. please someone guide me in the right direction I do not know where else I can go for help. thank you for reading this

Hey Denise, I know exactly how you feel. I don’t regard myself as enlightened but one thing I know – it is essential that we recognise that we are only human. We need to learn to love ourselves and accept ourselves as we are NOW. If you have negative feelings towards others, it’s perfectly OK – you are still a wonderful person. But we can direct ourselves firmly yet gently towards seeing the value of others and ourselves alike. We can’t change most things overnight, so keep practicing LETTING GO of your frustration with yourself and replace it with a feeling of completeness and love, then you will automatically start to accept others as well at the same time.

There is plenty of good material on the net or in books, on letting go and self-acceptance. Sometimes a good, successful and loving therapist is the answer. It’s a matter of taste which works best for you!

Hi Denise, I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through, I’ve been a horrible drunk myself believing that to only way I could make people stay with me was to grind down their self worth to the point where they felt they couldn’t get any one better. I feel terrible for my actions and terrible that my own self loathing could have such a profound effect on someone else. As I said in advice to another person on this site a great friend of mine once said ” if you forget your pretending are you really still pretending” and those words have always stayed with me, if you actively “act” like you can be assed with people or that your happy then yes it’s false but soon it won’t be a pretence it will become who you are, and the pretty soon all the things that the person your pretending to be deserves, will come to you. I tragically did it the other way round and pretended to be an idiot ! Out of some stupid fascination with gangsters I hit from watching too many films, pretty soon it wasn’t a pretence. I was involved in all that crap for real. But I now know it can work the other way too and by pretending to be the person you want to be will eventually lead you to become more line them. I don’t mean bare faced lying or immediately being a different person amongst people who already know you but just focusing on the kind of person you want to brand considering what actions they would take, imagine the whole “what would Jesus do ” rubbish but based on someone much cooler !, it helped me hopefully it can for you too xx

I’ve been going threw some hard moments with my relationship with my girlfriend I have been a real jerk to her and as I try to change I always feel like the past holds me back…I will try your advice and give my 100% with out letting my past hold me from becoming a. Great person to myself and to my significant other.

Thanks for the article, Patrick; I am going to try this out to see how this works for me. I have recently been struggling with extreme loneliness. I have managed to scare away many of my good and only friends by being an emotional wreck. I have gotten to the extent of contemplating suicide. It isn’t a new thought to me, but I can comfortably call it an “old friend.” Something I used to struggle with when I was younger. Now that everybody I love has turned their back on me I am having difficulty finding a reason to live. I feel that if I can regain my self respect and lose my self destructiveness I may be able to win them back. I hope this helps.

The best way I think I could live right now means being so kind and loving to myself. It means letting me be me. It means finding out what my needs are, finding out how I want to be. It means not allowing others projections and judgements to affect my care and treatment of myself. Right now that looks like a lot of rest and positive affirmations, journaling, reflection. A lot of building myself up. I can actually say that I have a great love and care for myself. And more than that, I think I’m an incredibly beautiful and wonderful human being. This is a very big struggle. Sometimes I think I want to skip this step.. But this is a wonderful step, that I want to be beyond this step. I can say that I’m very excited to move onto how I want to think about and treat others. But not too fast. I think too much about others, and loose myself too much. This has been a very tough balancing act, because right now I could spend almost all my non-work/school time alone. And maybe get together with people once every two weeks. This is fairly non-realistic. One, because I’m torn between keeping up with people more.. (i.e. – not ignoring their calls, etc.) Also, because I do feel the need to be around others even though it’s hard for me. This part is confusing and hard. I am very sensitive and have so much trouble trusting others. I feel so vulnerable in social situations unless I become distant or defensive or a little mean or ways that I don’t want to be. I see others being open and expressive and themselves, and others are respectful of them. It feels like when I’m with others they take advantage of my feeling vulnerable, they ignore me, or just aren’t respectful, sometimes rude. I’m so happy to be appreciating myself, and discovering my true good and loving self.. but I don’t want to keep this to myself. I want to be with and share myself with others.

Reading all these posts is wonderful, I stumbled upon this site searching for articles on how to be a better person
I have a good education, have enjoyed a good career and have friends, but lately have had some changes in my life and was not prepared for it

I turned 32, moved countries to be closer to my parents, have a break in my job so am kind of dependent after a long time, its a sucky feeling and makes me very insecure about myself and i find myself losing my self confidence

I started seeing an awesome guy but got too attached too quickly, I think he sensed my emotional dependance and backed off, giving further rise to my bad feelings

I don’t know too many people now that I have moved, and have turned from a party person, someone who knew all the hot spots to go to, to a rather quiet person, who wants to be popular and open again, but not sure how to go about it again

I need to build up my confidence again, and was thinking of doing something meaningful with my time, maybe volunteer etc, and came across your site

How can I change this feeling within me to once again realize the confident and beautiful person I know lies within me?

With all due respect, I find this article to be confusing and self-contradictory.
The author begins with an anecdote about a fisherman who finds a wonderful river that makes him want to be the best fisherman he can be. Then he asks, “Do you have any things in your life that make you want to be a better person?” Giving as examples your partner, your job, even your car, he asks again, Is there anything in your life that would make you say: “I owe this the very best that I have to offer!”
Making his point perfectly clear, he says that many of his life-coaching clients feel that they are stuck, but that their REAL problem is “that they just haven’t found something that demands the very best they have to offer – something that makes them want to be a better person.” That is, they haven’t found something outside themselves that spurs them to be a better person.
But then he turns 180 degrees and asks, “Well, what if the answer isn’t something outside of yourself?” And he suggests that you give your life all you have to offer.
OK, but if your job is meaningless, how happy is giving your all at work going to make you?
I would suggest that ssff’s comment above offers better advice. She’s thinking of volunteering, doing something meaningful with her time. Bingo! I volunteered for years teaching English to immigrants, and I was never happier than when one called me to say she’d passed her citizenship test. Now, thanks to being laid off by my corporate master, I work full-time teaching immigrants. It’s meaningful work; it’s worth doing; I do it well; my students appreciate me and I appreciate them.
This is not new advice, but I’ve never met anyone who’s found it not to be true. Try to get into a situation where you can help someone; that’s where happiness lies, and you’ll feel like a better person.

Hello Patrick, i just wanted to say that what you’re doing here is amazing and i hope you still push people to be a better person, not for anybody but themselves. I am only a 17 year old boy going through some tough times, but what are tough times? They shouldn’t exist. They don’t exist.. Its all in our heads anyway right>? Nobody really gives two shits whether you’re having a bad day or not right? Unless they love you. Love is the answer, The loveway is the only way.

P.S. To anybody that reads this and feels what i’m saying, Don’t hesitate to send me a message, i love helping people, And i REALLY love when i can open somebody’s horizons to the meaning of LIFE. Life is beautiful, life is the only reality and nothing else matters. Life is happiness inside of YOU. I feel like nobody here on this god forsaken earth is legitimately THANKFUL for being here. We’re so small, we’re so unhappy, we’re all stuck on this earth. The only way to un-stick yourself is to truly be happy with yourself, and that happiness is what will make you different from 98% of people on earth. I have experienced this myself. I have been on a journey, an experience you could say. I’m not living my life like every other soul here, i’m different. You’re different. YOU just need to see that. You need to experience what i am, and see how different life can be if you just find that happiness.

P.S.S What i find every time i come into contact with humans is this. Pure greediness. You’re struck, you’re saturn, you’re beautiful.

i like the advice. The best way I think I could live right now means being so kind and loving to myself. It means letting me be me. It means finding out what my needs are, finding out how I want to be. It means not allowing others projections and judgements to affect my care and treatment of myself. Right now that looks like a lot of rest and positive affirmations, journaling, reflection. A lot of building myself up. I can actually say that I have a great love and care for myself. And more than that, I think I’m an incredibly beautiful and wonderful human being. This is a very big struggle. Sometimes I think I want to skip this step.

For a very long time I have been a bad person to myself and others. It got so bad that I actually begun priding myself on it! Through that I have fell into such an abyss that it pushed me into the deepest depression that I have ever experienced. I begun stealing and lying, sneaking around behind my loved one’s backs. Then I lost the trust of the ones who I loved most, even myself. I also lost respect and admiration of myself. I pushed away God and blamed him for all I do.

I think this was rock bottom. I realized I couldn’t live like this. I will lose EVERYTHING I haven’t already lost and it will be just me and my black heart.

That thought scared me more than anything in my life and I knew what I had to do; I have to become a better person. It’s a hard process and so difficult. Sometimes I still have slip ups, but I’m trying my best. I have been a better person in the past. I could be a much better person this time. But instead of focusing on how to make people THINK I’m a good person by acting like I am (my first mistake before it all fell down on me), I’ll concentrate on actually becoming a better person and prove this to myself first, because I know all my secrets and I can’t lie to myself.

What if you feel like, you cant relate to others anymore?
You cant hold the conversation because nothing interests you?
You don’t know where to start?
I see people chatting and enjoying themselves, and i am just standing there, wishing the day was over?
What if you feel that no one and nothing can add any value to your life?
I’ve tried to be a better person before, and I actually go out of my way to comfort and help others, but i always find myself back in the abyss.

I think that I am misunderstood most of the time. I have an extremely technical background when it comes to computers and gadgets and stuff, and feel that i can only communicate on those topics, but when it comes to socializing, there is only a select few that i can gel with. I feel a disconnect with the rest.

I have recently broken up with my gf as well, too much stress, its been a month now. I was, and am hoping that the distance from all the bad would restore me to my former self. I am still waiting for that day.

My name is Mila, and I’ve have hit a pretty rough spot.
I want so many things out of life but I have no idea where to start. I understand the idea of ‘getting out of bed in the morning and deciding to live your day to the absolute all’ philosophy but I just don’t see how I can do that when all the situations aren’t going to change, and I also feel scared that it will feel great for a day or two and then the hole will come and swallow me up again and I will feel worse than before (which has happened many times).
I seem to constantly hate myself and I always feel like everybody else does too. They say it’s just my age etc (because I’m quite young) but I know it is not, and hate people blaming it on that and saying it’s normal bla bla, because that just deepens the feeling that no-one cares.
I am also a performer and do a do a lot of singing on stage, which I love, so I do have passion in my life and things that I enjoy, which I do a lot of, but it’s always confidence issues that get in the way and people say ‘just forget and give it your all’ but yet again I have know idea how to do that.
I love my family very much, but because my parents are split, I have to keep moving back and forth between houses and can never really settle into one regular lifestyle. I feel like they are constantly fighting over me, and complaining about the other person, which always leaves me in the middle, performing some sort of balancing act trying to offend everyone as little as possible.
I have a constant fear of people not liking me and am always trying to impress others, which results in a lot of acting in order to keep everyone happy, and now it just feels like I have too many facades to keep up. I know the obvious answer is to just ‘be myself’ around everyone, but the trouble is, I don’t know who that self is and I don’t know where to go to find it.
I would love to feel great about myself, but I just don’t know what to change to do that.
I would love to have a group of close friends, but I just don’t know where to find them.
I would love to feel like someone loves me, but I just seem to be invisible.
Please help…anybody

I hear you. The confusion can be intense. I too am trying to figure out me. At my end, I try and sit by myself, in silence everyday and each day let go of something that is not me. I don’t know who ‘myself’ is yet, but I guess I’ll get there sooner or later. The journey is just as important as the destination. But it’s interesting to think about whether my actions are defined by me or others around me. If I feel something is defined by others, I think about how I really feel about it.

It’s good you are thinking about this. The friends will come as you figure yourself out. As will new relationships. Hope is a good thing. It is a powerful thing.

Thank you very, very much D, your post means a heck of a lot to me=) I love all the things you said, and I wish you all the best in finding yourself too. Life certainly is a journey, but a beautiful one none the less=)
Mila

I loved your blog by the way Patrick, incredible stuff. It has really inspired me to be better, I just don’t know where to start=) I just love the atmosphere the replies have created and everybody is so wise=)
Mila

I live like this a lot, or at least I try to. All I want is to give the world everything I have to offer. But I struggle with it, always. I don’t do as well as I wish, and I find that I beat myself up a lot for that. how does one reconcile their flaws and failings with the image they have in their head of what they should become?

I am the guy that posted the anonymous post earlier in the thread. Im glad to say that i made a big change in my life. I spoke to my GF and let it all out. talking helps a lot. but actually, what i want to tell you is, that life is simple, and can be made very easy and enjoyable. All you have to do is focus on what is important. I cut everything out of my life that is not positive, and that which does not add value to my life. Now i just live for, and focus on, keeping my GF happy, my job, my parents and my brothers, And that is that. Love the most important things in your life, and the love will come back. Cut out the chaff. Im not saying, cut out all your friends, but the above mentioned so have precedence above your friends, dont spend a lot of time on what you could’ve, should’ve done, find someone to love more than you love yourself. That’s the way i am living now, and i am enjoying it. Thanks for this blog

I have been a very confused person for alot of this summer and what I realized us that from what you say in your article Patrick, is that you need to give the best that you are to yourself and the people that are around you. I haven’t been happy with who I am and my girlfriend has been trying to help me but I have been taking her help at all, more as for granted and I have changed idealy into a whole new person….just not for the better. I am going to start this tomorrow right when I wake up. I Am going to give the spice of life that my life actually could use so I can be a better person. So people don’t have to suffer for what I give them. Patrick, you are very smart when it comes to that quote, if I say this metaphorically then pretty much my life tomorrow will be open for new options and steps that I have never considered or taken before, because to be honest I want to be able to breathe and be happy with the world around me, I want to change so that my girlfriend can see the good in me and also see that if I do what I need to do then everyone around will see that I have tried and if I do it all right. I can live in a prosperity of life and owe the best I can give my life. Thank you very much Patrick, this is a new start and I will make the most of what I can give. :)

Feeing so lost right now…….. feel like a horrible person and the people around me let me know. I have been dating my girlfriend for three years now and she feels that I don’t care.I care in so many little ways but theres something missing(something I don’t fully understand) I am not sure when my life turned into an ego war when I stopped being genuine and just wanted to feel right. I need help cause I love her and I can’t lose her just because I need to be right. Please help me!!

When out there to work and try to be the best person and worker and co-worker, you could be

Got the new girl a job with the company, personal gave her on the job training, felt great about that.

Comforted the boss when she was crying her eyes out to me about one worker in particular,and his disregard of her feeling told her I would take over the work, I even bought her a label machine for her office to cheer her up.

For the next two weeks after that she (the boss) was kicking me in the ass, by bad mouthing me with the new girl, in her office, embarrassing me in front of the staff along with the male worker who made her cry, sticking up for him when he fuck up the job.

And so now I am the one looking for work because I had to leave, all because I thought I would be a better person that day

When out there to work and try to be the best person and worker and co-worker, you could be

Got the new girl a job with the company, personal gave her on the job training, felt great about that.

Comforted the boss when she was crying her eyes out to me about one worker in particular, and his disregard of her feeling told her I would take over the work, I even bought her a label machine for her office to cheer her up.

For the next two weeks after that she (the boss) was kicking me in the ass, by bad mouthing me with the new girl, in her office, embarrassing me in front of the staff along with the male worker who made her cry, sticking up for him when he fuck up the job.

And so now I am the one looking for work because I had to leave, all because I thought I would be a better person that day.

I did the same thing that many or your new-found readers have done and it brought me here, I did a google search for “How to be a better person?”. i have been reading a lot of the comments that others have made and in so many way i now see that in all of us there is the same thing, we have the same problems, and we all at times get lost in our own lives. i feel so confused and have trouble telling you what it is that i am experiencing right now because I am normally the 1 that my circle comes to when they need somebody to talk to, but there is a built in defensive system in me that does not allow me to talk to others when I am the one that needs an ear. And even when i reach the point where i think the next straw that falls on my shoulder is just going to crush me I still cannot let myself expose to other that i am having troubles.

For years i have known that i am doing it all wrong, it being my life, and yet every single day i wake up and get trapped in the repeating cycle of my bad habits. Every day i look back at yesterday and say that i will never allow myself to repeat the thing that i have done, and yet every day the cycle continues. there is somebody that is in my life and it is strange because we have been through a lot together, we are not in a relationship anymore mostly because of me i think and even apart we are still good with each other most of the times. this is the person that is the reason that i said that i need to be a better person because i know that i hurt her yesterday, emotionally and not physically, and yet even though i know that i hurt her i cannot bring myself to say to her that i am sorry for what i did and said and i know that i was wrong. i was trying to make plans to see her all thru the day and because of what she was doing she could not or would not make solid plans with me, but for the entire day i carried the hope that she was going to call me any time now and nail down something firm. Ok i waited all day and that never happened so i went out on the road to meet some friends, even thought my heart was not in it i felt it was better than sitting at home and doing nothing, now that i am looking back i think it was best that i sit at home and do nothing. she called me in the night and told me that she wanted me to come for her now and i resented the fact that it was at the moment that she wanted to see me that she is calling me and telling me that it is now or never, so i made it never (that is the nice way of saying it). needless to say she was waiting on me and i was my usual selfish, childish, immature, irresponsible, emotionless self and stayed out with my friends until 5 in the morning.for the whole time that i was out with my friends it was there digging at me that i made the wrong decision and should fix it, but then i was my typical self and just kept silencing the voice of reason that is in me. i woke to find a message on my phone from her that really made me feel like a heel and in it she simply asked me 3 questions, , we do not live together : 1) Why do you always do that to me?
2) Why do you treat me this way?
3) Why?
I feel ashamed to be myself right now.

right now as i sit here my mind and my body are having a fight because i am feeling such unhappiness that i can feel the tears welling up in me, but yet i have made myself into this monster that thinks me crying is a sign of weakness and as such tears should never roll down my cheeks. we were together for almost 2 years and i am not saying that it was all rainbows and sunshine, but i know that all relationships need to worked at in order to be successful but i was just too stubborn to let her in because in my head letting somebody get all the way in is opening me up to the risk of being hurt again, and again, and again, and again. i have built another wall around my heart and on that wall i have posted a warning to myself that the only persons that can hurt me are the people that i let in, the only persons that are allowed past this point are those that will not hurt me. great advise i have given myself because here i sit all alone in the dark because all persons are capable of hurting me, all person have the ability to break my heart, so all persons are blocked from ever really seeing my heart or me unprotected.

after all that rambling here is my question to you, “How do i break the cycle, tear down the walls, turn off the defenses, let myself try to bet close to somebody knowing that there is the risk of being hurt?” What is the best form of self examination cause i think my entire life needs to be overhauled, rebuilt, derailed and put on new tracks, but that change needs to start with my thought process.

Great article!! Life must be lived in conscious and responsible way. If you do not do things, no one will do it for you. It is your life. And it is what you will be remembered for.

It is your choice. Make good choices each day.

So, guys, whatever you do today, good or bad, you do not do it just for yourself. Whatever you choose today, blessing or curse, you do not choose it just for yourself. You also choose it for your children and your children’s children up to the third generation. You choose it for your family, your community and your country. Make it the best choice ever. Your choice today leaves an everlasting footprint. And it is what you will be remembered for.

Great blog. but i am just feeling hopeless, i do not know what is the direction i need to follow. I do not knwo what is that i am depressed about, what is that is bothering me sooo much.. i really need help!! am goign insane from one of teh most confident persons..

1. Love selflessly.
2. Life is beautiful: Look not for contentment, but learn to appreciate.
3. Family always come first.
4. Never ever leave a friend behind.
5. Do your best at work not to impress but because it is the only way to enjoy your job.

Hi Patrick,
I read this part of your blog and I found it speaking to me. I wish you would respond to me at your earliest since I would like to get feedback from someone out of my usual circle and you seem to have shared some great insight. I have found myself for the past year trying to become a better me but have failed at every attempt. I have been in a relationship for the past 11 years where the past 3 years have been complete hell and because of me. When my husband and I first got together we were very young. By young I mean I was 17 and he was 21 so we basically grew into adulthood together. Many mistakes where made on his part but that never drove me apart from him. However 8 years later, at the prime of our relatioship, when it was going it’s best it had ever gone, I started to resent past actions which drove me into trying to make his life miserable. Funny thing? He stuck through it. And for the past year has been begging me practically to recollect my old self and get back to that. The only thing is that I have failed at turning off this person. I have the perfect motivation. Besides him, we have 3 kids together. Fruit of our unconditional love. And the fact that he has stuck around has proved himself to me. But the fact is, no matter how much I love all of them, I can’t seem to turn off what I have become. And what makes me sad, is that a person that was so full off life and was always smiling has come down to what I have become. Not to mention what I created in my husband. Which is a person that was never there. So my question is Patrick, how do you go about loving yourself again so that I can be this person I want to be? I want to get back to me and make that person better as well. But how do you stop being what you have become? For the sake of keeping my great family together and for the sake of my sanity?

Hi Patrick, I have a very dark past – at least it seems that way to me. Parents divorced, I moved miles away from troubles, worked in bars and strip clubs, dated many, many women. Thought I fell in love – have a 7 year old, the Mom just remarried. I am with my current girlfriend for over 2 years now and my norms are darker just because, I feel, I have seen a lot and been through a lot. I’m 33, she’s 22 and I fear that my ‘demons’ and whatever else is bothering will overcome me and I’m going to lose her too.

I have been on a great path for the last couple of weeks but I realize going extreme on change can also be unstable. I want to find a way to stay on this path and continue to be the person she deserves, my daughter deserves and I can be proud of myself. It means a lot to me to be respected. I’m scared of slipping again. Any tips on keeping my eye on the prize and staying focused on doing the right things? Sometimes I feel like people don’t change and it’s inevitable that I’m going to say or do something I regret..

Hey, everyone! I’m a 20 year old with a very dysfunctional background and I’m currently on my 4th day sober off of drugs and I would just like to thank EVERYONE who has shared their story because you all have truly inspired me! I’m heading in the right direction I feel and It’s just comforting to know that I’m not all alone …. God bless you all & I hope EVERYONE finds peace within themselves. The journey may be hard, long, and frustrating, but it is ENTIRELY worth it. Any fight for yourself is worth it because YOU’RE worth it! Keep it up everyone, I know I will ;)

I am only 14, but one day i want to make a difference, like ghandi or something. I dont like having faults or lying to people for no reason. I dont like listening to what others think of me and acting like i dont care when i really do. i dont know why im such a horrible person. or why the people around me that see me for who i really am i decide to hate. I dont know why i see faults in people so i can feel better about myself. I don’t know! i act stupid, when i know im not. I act mean, when at heart, all i need to be is loved. I need something, im not the type of person that just brushes things off. A weight has been pushing down on me for so long, its like forgiveness isnt a part of me anymore. I need to change but i dont know how…

Oh honey. You are a wonderful person. Beautiful- inside and out. You know yourself and understand it. And you know what- that will help u make better choices tomorrow and for the rest of your life. Lets take it one day at a time? Today, we’ll be the best version of ourselves we could be. Know that you are loved. Believe it. Feel it.

My wife and I have been together for 3 years. We have 2 beautiful children together. Last week she finally had enough and left me. It has forced me to take a long overdue look at myself. I don’t know how I was so blind for so long. I have been systematically pushing her away for years. I have never been physically violent to her or our sons, but I have been terrible to her verbally. Any time I have a bad day I take it out on her by looking for things to argue about. I act like that somehow vindicates my anger. I love my wife and want to be the man she deserves. I have committed myself to being a better person. I am disappointed in myself that I let it get so out of hand. I’m not here looking for comfort, I’m here for a plan to step by step repair the damage while showing her and myself that I can be a better person.

hello im in need of help. i know im kind of young to be saying this kind of things. but i feel small all the time. especially recently things have been taking turns for the worse. every day i wake up and i feel that i am not good enough for anyone. not for my parents. not for my lover. not for my friends. i can’t even be satisfied with myself. i will try this tomorrow. i will do it everyday. and i hope the people around me see me in a different, and better light. i want to be able to accept the love i think i deserve. i feel i have no rights to be loved when i constantly screw up things. thank you this short and wonderful message probably might help me. of course this and with the help from God.

Most of the time i feel like i am all alone. Don’t have much freind to talk so i end up keepin all my emotions inside and when i can’t take it maymore i burst out with anger most of the time i cry because i blame myself. I can’t find peace i always thinks it is my fault

What a great article!! This is what my new website is about! I believe you have to give it your all to be a better person. You might as well. You only have one life. might as well make it worth living! Become the best you can be isn’t asking much.

I am 22 years old, I work 3 jobs technically, I own my home and my 2 vehicles and I think thats very accomplished at my age, but still I have those days where i want to give it all up due to my lack of happiness. I have found myself more down then up lately feeling like im not a good enough person or worker or daughter or sister or girlfriend. I cant seem to just be happy ever. Ive tried all sorts of things new hobbies new food new movies new ways to do my makeup and nothing seems to be enough maybe for myself or for others around me im not sure but i wake up every day still in the same rutt. I want to be happy i really truly do but i dont like to burden my friends or family with my negativity so i bottle it all up and hope to God i dont have a break down.

I feel lower than i have ever felt before. I have become an extremely unhappy and negative person, i feel i need to change every part of myself it is so overwhelming i don’t even know where to start. A lot of the time i just feel like giving up. I really want to be a better person i bring everyone else around me down with my low mood and negativity. I feel i am selfish, ungrateful and like i always see the worst in people instead of trying to see the best in them.

I’m tired of disappointing myself and everyone I know. I’m not the person I know I can be and I don’t know why or how to fix it. I wish I did because I want to change. I know I can do it, it’s just actually DOING it is the hard part and where I keep failing. It might help if I had someone to talk to about it. I’m not really friends with anyone anymore. There are people I know and sometimes hang out with but I don’t feel close enough to anyone to talk about this with. I want this change for me. I’m completely unhappy with who I am and I’m tired of that fact. I want to be able to wake up and feel awesome again. I want to feel like I’m not a disappointment and a waste of space. In my mind I see me as I want to be and it seems effortless but in reality I’m nothing like that guy and feels impossible to be that person I imagine. I want to begin putting forth serious effort to achieve this goal of mine. Starting right now.

I googled how to be a better person like so many here and I’ve had this thought over and over with increasing frequency. I want to be better but I don’t think I’m capable… But this article has reminded me of something my father used to say and I only just remembered. He said “Be the change you want to see”, and I plan to.

No matter what i do everyday i fall into the same rut,i feel annoyed at everyone, frustrated and angry by even the simplest things. I get depressed and feel useless, i want to be a better person, be someone that other people want to be. I want to be a better person i just don’t know how i can be, i try to be positive and tell myself it doesn’t matter when people anger me but then i just blow up all over again…

That’s kinda how I feel. Try to carry around gum with you and every time someone upsets you, stick in a piece of gum. That way you can take out your anger on the gum and not speak back! Sorry if it doesn’t work….

I’m 15 and I try to be a better person. I have tried to become a better person but it has never worked out. I am a straight forward person and I don’t think before I talk. I try to be nicer but I just can’t. I tend to annoy myself by my actions and words but I just can’t help it. I need help.

Well im 41 and feel like im going on 19. After many horrible relationships I feel im left with an empty basket of friends. It feels that the more I care for someone the more they give me their back. I know im very shy when it comes to letting things out. Makes me feel introverted and non existant. Its weird I worked in highschol to improve on my appearance and it helped get me friends. Now after meeting someone so special and someone who I married and spent 3years with him. I thought I would always have him as a friend. Guess not. He wont answer my calls and when he does its to remind me he wants nothing to do with me. Its painful to relive all the good times in my heart and head. Forgetting someone you care about is not so easy. I know one day ill meet someone new. Just feels like its going to be a long time before that happens. I live with my parents cause of the support I get from them and because I
tried living on my own and felt I would get myself involved with he wrong people. Now im more receptive of who I meet and make as a friend snd find myself lonlier than ever. Im now trying to work on me. I ask myself how can I be a better person. I wish I had a camera to see how the world preceives me snd how I make others feel. There seems to be a lack of goodwilling energy that stops me from caring about anything anymore. Just got a breast refuction surgery and feel that instead of making me happier it took from me my sexappeal. Unexplainable. My breasts were always large made me feel the center of attention and now no one turns to me to even help me at the supermarket. Was I a better person with my boobs big? I feel like I dont exsist now after removing them.what a difference. Its really not what I needed to change? Im so needing to look beyond the physical with people. Im starting to feel the human need to connect with just anyone. I guess the change is a dramatic one I wasnt ready for. Is appearance that important. I dont mean to sound shallow but I did think it meant that much to me. The change is for the good and tomorrow I will. make every second matter. Make every minute count. Its like I fell off of a cliff. And didnt get up. Thanks for the forum.I really enjoy reading the other situations makes me feel not alone.

Mary (and everyone else) – I have been so moved by all of the honest outpouring of emotion in response to my post, that I am putting together a self-directed eCourse in the hopes that it will help at least one person to find the peace and joy they are looking for. You can read more about it at: http://choosethelifeyouwant.com/how-to-be-a-better-person-ecourse

Always want to be a better person – after al, what is the point of living if you can’t improve your life by helping someone to improve theirs. This obsession we have with enjoyment is childish in the extreme – we can start to bring the unfortunate up to where we are.
Please don’t chastise me for what you might think is a ‘bleeding hearts’ campaign. I just think we can do good without it costing us anything, and if that is true, we should do it.

I always keep telling myself to to that, to become a better person, to study, to do homework. But its not that I don’t want to do it, its I just can’t do it. I think I am a weak type of person who gives up easily. I realize that I cant be a better person If I keep doing it..

But now that I have read this page and the other persons comment above. I will try again to do it, not just try but to do it until I improve myself.

Dear Patrick,
Blessed are they who light the path for others who are lost in darkness but are willing to find a way, if only some could show the way. God comes in different garbs just to help the lost but deserving souls. Those, who think about others with an intent to help them in some way, are godly people. May their tribe increase( you included ).

Hello! I’m 14 and I’ve been going through a stage where i’m never happy with myself and I knew that if you’re a good person than you can’t feel bad about yourself and that’s what lead me to this sight. I think your advice is really good and I’m going to try this approach tomorrow :)

I just found this tonight and I’m glad there are responses so current. I’m going to give this a go tomorrow and see what happens. I’ve been going through a lot of life changes, all at once. There are many good things, but many bad, all of which I created. I feel like becoming a better, more loving person is going to be the thing that gets me out of the hole I created. If anyone here needs to talk, or get things off their chest, I will happily, happily talk with you. stickman.design@gmail.com

The other day I found myself bothering over being bored, bored with my life, I have no friends in a new town, my diet is getting me nowhere etc etc.. It made me feel miserable, I’ve had these feelings constantly for the past few years and have seeked medical attention in the past, although recently I thought I’d been getting better until now. But this time instead of wallowing, I’ve written a description of who I want to be, and every step I need to take to get there, I’m going to be proactive. I’ve signed up for classes, appointments, done up a schedule and sticking to it!

It sounds like you have a good plan. That’s the problem with my life at the moment, there is literally no structure. I’m not needed for anything. The prospect of going to sleep, waking up and doing whatever you want whenever you want to sounds brilliant to most people but it does my head in. Also, once you get used to no structure it’s hard to come back from that. I think I might need to sign up to some classes as well.

This is so funny! I have been thinking about this very thing so much lately! I’ve recently embarked on changing my life completely. I’m shaping myself into the person I’ve dreamed of being since I was 5 years old (minus the whole fairy princess thing). I’m going to learn various subjects, travel, be self-sufficient and protect the environment, and I’m going to be a writer.

I have my work cut out for me. But everything I do towards that goal makes me feel as though I owe it to my life to keep going. That I owe it to the 5 year old me to make my dreams come true.

I owe the child I was the very best the adult I am has to offer. And that thought makes me want to be a better person.

Hi I’m a soon to be mom, and I just want to be the best mom and to add to that a good person to the father. I’m not the type of person who stands up for themselves I just let people walk over me especially my parents. And I want to change that for my relationship and my son. I don’t know if this fits what I’m hoping to reach. But I think it’s the last shot. I am going to try it though because I cannot stand it any longer. I have a lot of personal issues and by trying this I hope it helps by the way I am 17 years old.

Hi Lizzy, it sounds like you are facing some changes, being a mom will will no doubt require you to be the best person you can be.

Your parents are probably worried about you and as you are still young they obviously feel they can tell you how to live. This said, you may want to be a little easy on them and remember you may want their help sometime in the future.

Standing up for yourself is another thing. It is important for you to be able to make decisions that effect your life and have your parents support. You can try talking to them and remind them you need their support to grow up to become a person who can make decisions for herself and learn to live with the consequences of your own actions. Parents do not want to lose their little girl but, they will no doubt come around in tiime. Just stick to your guns – stand firm on the decisions you make.

Make sure you get support from others too so you are not dependent on your parents. Not getting pushed around by others requires you to find your own independence. You are young and there is still tiime to learn who you are and be the best person you can be.

Even if you do only one thing each day that takes you towards your dreams you will see progress over time whereby what you desire becoomes a reality.

Best of luck with your child. Keep asking for help and seek out those who have the time to support you to be the best person you can be. The universe will support this and bring you who you need. trust me.

There is a bit of confusion around when it comes to understanding just who we are as a self. The things you do are never you – these are just things you do. Wanting to become a better person suggests you do not like the person you currently are. However, who you are is far greater than the things you think, do or feel. Who we really are is found in the stillness of the mind, in the moment of now.

We do not spend enough time in this place and so knowing self is limited to the external events and circumstances of our lives. Take the time to learn more about who you really are, the true nature of reality and consciouness. Also, there is great books to read about the neoplasticity of the mind and how we can rewire our patterns which long longer serve us.

Doing what we need to do to achieve our dreams does not come easy if you are hardwired to do things that work against this happening. Why, cause we are fighting against the chemical addiction that says do what you always do. And, new expereinces are uncomfortable as the brain pathways are yet to form strong connections. If you ever learnt to juggle balls I am sure you can recall how uncomfortable it was at the beginning. It was only focused attention and commitment to the task that eventually skilled you to juggle without much thought.

All change occurs this way. One of the most profound ways to change your life and be the best person you are is to take te time to discover who you really are and then be this. Cheers

I actually sort of did this almost by accident today and it was wonderful. Gotta say, this article was great in that it articulated what I’d already been trying to do, which essentially just cleared up my focus and allowed me to really latch on to something to move toward. Thanks a lot!

Actually nowdays I am working in the company, My job make me want to be a better employee in that company, I’ve already decided to be a better person, I don’t want to drop I want to wake up and I want to change my old way (always delay and waste my important time to do something without result), But hey…I’ve treating all this kind of fun and exciting!!!
Hmmm I really want to be a better person in society,,,,Can you please provide me your idea or hint to change my attitude? Thank you!

How to be a better person is actually an experiment with your own self. No man is born perfect and you should always remember that though you might feel you are the best, but according to other person’s point of view, you can still be better. Know what else do they want in you that you are better than before. 100daychallenge.com is one platform where you get all the essential information that can change you to be a better person!

My son. He’s my inspiration and motivation. I’m a terrific dad, and enjoy it tremendously. However, these good aspects have forced me to examine other aspects of my life/personality that I am not so proud of. At the moment, he’s napping…and I’m feeling sorry for myself. When he wakes up, I will take him outside, to the park, to the pool…whichever he chooses. Although I really don’t feel like it, I will give him my all. Thank you for the powerful words and ideas.

We all get stuck, but it helps to remember that each day can be a new beginning. I experience frustrations in that it has taken me a long time to like myself, yet I still fall victim to other’s condemnation. Often they are deserved, but more often than not, they are reflections of their own frustrations, not mine. But all things being said, each morning that you awaken holds all sort of possibilities, and you just keep on trying, and at your worst you are still far better than those who live unconcerned and oblivious to their own emotional and personal deficiencies. You have it in you.

Hi everyone, (: my name is savanna,and I’m 14.
My entire life has been hard, and I have been thru so much I sometimes have troubles forgiving others for what they do. Me and my sisters were homeless with our parents for a while intell our mom left and our dad got us taken away. My entire life was filled with pain heart break and getting taken away from my family. Than five months ago my dad took his own life. Ever since than I haven’t been the same. I have has trust issues, forgiving issues, and its hard to be happy. I tried what the article said and it worked. I just wanted to be a better nicer happier person. And now I am. Thank you (:

Thanks for an article that make us think of ourselves and how we can be a better person. Everyone will have a different perspective about being better. So without looking into others life, if we think and decide about what is it that can make us better, it would be easier to be the best of ourselves.

I am a really selfish person. I have the greatest friends and family but I always take the for grated and always blame them for my problems. Today I realized this and I am glad that I am realizing this now instead of later on. I am good to people who don’t know me but use my family constantly. My main problems is that I am lazy,unhelpful and think that I am better than others. I love your idea of giving life the very best it has to offer an plan to use it right away. Hopefully my friends and family will start feeling more appreciated and I will start being proud of myself. Thanks for the advice

You wrote: “Does the special person in your life make you want to be a better partner?”
My reply: This is the crux of a good relationship. It’s better not to be in a relationship than to be in one where your partner makes you feel bad instead of good.
Also, giving your best in all you do is key to a happier life. What a nice experiment and a great article. Thanks!

Hello Patrick,
I am 21 years old. I have been trying to make things better around me from the past 8 years. From good grades to selection in top university for my graduation but somehow I miss everything by a very little margin. I get very close to achieve my goal but something turns out unfavourable and I lose it again and again. I would like you to tell how to stop this viscous cycle of failure.

For a while not I’ve been doing what i call self-evaluation, reason being that for the past years I’ve been an unhappy soul. I was trying to get to the core of the unhappiness but i seemed to fail. so i tried pretending to be happy that isn’t helping that much either because at the end of the day i find myself feeling “depressed”.

I think I’m allowing the better me to drown inside of this lost soul that i am, and it pains me to see myself go through such. I think i do not understand the kind of person that i am, hence trying to figure me out becomes a mission impossible. All this just seems to bring a negative aura between me and those who are close to me most especially my relationship with my boyfriend.

I really need to discover myself, do i start by digging deep into myself or do i get up from where i’m sitting and move forward? I NEED TO FIND JOY WITHIN MYSELF I’M DROWNING. HELP PLEASE