When a Death Comes Unexpectedly

Every death creates a special pain unique
to each survivor. Yet death that comes without warning can leave an
especially terrible grief.

Such a sudden and instant loss of a loved
one is devastating in its impact. Initially, you feel only shock and
numbness. This canít be true! You imagine waking from this nightmare to
find the world still filled with all the people that you love. This
feeling of unreality can persist even after the rituals surrounding the
death.

Especially if your loved one met with
violent death, you find your sadness and rage at this senseless injustice
too great for your spirit to contain. You feel overwhelmingly guilty at
not having been able to protect your loved one, however unrealistic such
thoughts might be. You feel extremely vulnerable and powerless. The depth
and chaos of your feelings may even convince you that you are "going
crazy."

Working Your Way Through

Your experience of grief after an unexpected death can be so terribly
agonizing that you feel powerless to stop its flow. Yet, though it may not
seem possible at the moment, you can work through your grief- moving
beyond the trauma of the loss of your love while still preserving the bond
between you.

Donít be afraid of your feelings. Losing a loved one often evokes emotions
the survivor has never felt before. Especially because of the
circumstances of the death you are mourning, the feelings of grief will be
some of the most intense you will ever encounter.

These are not the feelings you ordinarily
experience in everyday life. As you feel intense emotion-sadness, anger
and possibly even revenge, fear, loss of control-you may think your
reactions are abnormal. While your emotions may be very strong and
enduring, they are nonetheless a normal part of the acute grief associated
with an unanticipated death.

Bring Closure to unfinished business.
Following the unexpected loss of a
loved one, you may have a need to bring closure to your relationship with
that person. Thoughts and feelings you never fully shared with the
deceased fill you with a sense of incompleteness.

If this sense of incompleteness continues,
you need to address your unfulfilled relationship. In order to articulate
your thoughts and feelings, you might try writing letters to the person
who has died, keeping a personal journal, or speaking directly to the lost
loved one. Such activities can help you to resolve the unexpressed
feelings that can be so pronounced following a sudden death.

How
you grieve depends on a number of things: the way you learned to cope with
stress in your life before this tragedy; the quality of the relationship
you had with the person who was killed; the circumstances under which your
loved one was killed; the success you have dealing with the criminal
justice system, insurance companies, and the myriad of other systems you
will be forced to deal with in the aftermath of your tragedy; your
religious beliefs and ethnic customs; and the emotional support you have
from your family and friends while grieving.

- Janice Harris Lord
"No Time for Goodbyes "

Find support through sharing. In the darkness of despair, your might
forget that there really are others who care for you if you will let them.
You may not want others to see you distraught. If you reveal the magnitude
of your loss to those close to you, you fear you will bring them pain as
they see you suffer. So you might tend to isolate yourself, seeking to
conceal your grief.

Yet the supportive presence of those who
live on and care about you can be your greatest source of healing. Try to
set aside any natural reluctance to reveal personal pain, and allow your
circle of caring friends and family to gather around you in this time of
critical need.

"The measure of life, after all, is
not its duration, but its donation."

- Peter Marshall

You will experience liberation of your emotions when you outwardly
express your innermost fears and agony. Such sharing not only eases the
pain, but also rebuilds your trust in loving relationships with others.

Be patient with yourself. When something hurts so deeply, itís natural
to seek relief. You want to escape from the continuing endurance test that
the struggle with grief imposes. Yet, despite your best efforts, the slow
and agonizing process of grief may seem to continue unabated, and you
become desperate and frustrated with the unrelenting sameness of your
hurt.

Again, you might begin to worry something
is wrong with you, fearing you have gone beyond normal limits and lost
control. Grief, however, is a process that does not end quickly or
automatically- or even predictably. The fault is not in you. When you find
yourself doubting your capacity to recover, be patient and realize that
the grief process, while lengthy, ultimately does provide relief.

Seek new routines. The memories of the one you have lost will be
with you throughout your life. The dates, places, and bits from the past
that remind you of your loved one will continue to have the power to evoke
your grief.

Yet, as painful as these connections may
be now, they will slowly merge into a blend of pleasurable remembrances
and poignant reminders. Over time, the reminders will gradually decrease,
though the ones that remain may still at times rekindle your pain with the
same intensity as in the early phases of grief.

On the most difficult days, try to
establish some new routines. The changes need not be radical. The addition
of new rituals or activities during the holidays or on the days filled
with special meaning can help you to maintain the memory of your loved one
while still embarking on a new chapter in your life.

Let yourself feel good again. You may have trouble imagining that you
could ever feel joy again. It almost seems wrong to laugh, have fun, or
enjoy life when someone you love has died. Some people even feel that they
must suffer in order to prove how much they cared for the one who is gone.

Happiness is never a betrayal of love,
however. Remind yourself of your reasons for living. You have a future
worth enduring for, and you are allowed to feel a renewed sense of purpose
and pleasure in your life.

Because you feel so diminished by the
death of the one you loved, you may think you have nothing to offer to
those around you. Yet your experience is of immeasurable value. You now
know the powerful truth of what it is to feel the pain of the loss of
love. You are especially able now to minister to others who face the same
devastating loss.

You also hold the precious knowledge of
how important love can be and how vital it is as a source of joy in life-
yet how easy it is to take love for granted and overlook the abundance of
love that surrounds you. Sharing that truth can enlarge the lives of
everyone.

Draw upon the power of prayer. In your struggle with loss, you may
sometimes feel as though you are completely alone. Yet no matter how
abandoned you feel, God is present is your life. God has never stopped
loving you or the one who died. God is not passively observing your agony;
God feels the depth of your pain. God wants to share your burden of sorrow
and guide you along the pathway to healing.

In prayer you can express your sense of
desperate loss, your anger at the injustice of this sudden death, your
helplessness, and your need for Godís healing. Within your covenant with
God, you can share the darkest despair and anger and hurt in your heart
and let God lead you to hope and understanding and peace.

Dealing with Violent Death

Stabilizing can take much
longer when the death was a violent one. Beware of developing unrealistic
expectations of yourself. Your worst times usually are not at the moment a
tragic event takes place. Youíre in a state of shock then. Often you slide
"into the pits" four to seven months after the event-the time when most
people expect you to be "over" your loss.

When people ask you how
youíre doing, donít always say "fine". Let some people know how terrible
you feel. Take time to lament, to experience being a victim. Beware of
allowing yourself to be "put on a pedestal" by others who tell you what an
inspiration you are because of your strength and your ability to cope so
well. If they only knew!

-Adapted from an
article by Ken Czillinger in Chrysalis, March-April 1991

Take Heart

As agonizing as lifeís journey is right
now without your loved one, the path to adjustment will slowly become a
kinder walk. Take comfort in realizing that the pain of your loss would
not be so intense if your love had not been so strong. Take heart in
knowing how deeply you loved in the time you had together. Gradually
replace thoughts of loss with memories of love. Recall as many moments of
pleasure as moments of pain.

Coming to terms with your grief in this
way does not mean you will forget your loved one. You will have that
person with you forever; a part of you will always remain connected to
that person, that time. Yet there is much to do with the rest of your
life. Take hope in knowing that the lessons of loss will lead to a fuller
understanding of the meaning of life.

Larry A. Platt, Ph.D., is a professor of sociology at Georgia
Southern College where he has taught courses on death, dying, and grief.
He is a prolific author and speaker in the field of thanatology.

Sources of additional help

Books: How to Survive the Loss of a Love by
Melba Colgrove, Harold Bloomfield, and Peter McWilliams, New York, New
York, Bantam, 1981. What Helped Me When My Loved One Died edited by
Earl A. Grollman, Boston, Massachusetts, Beacon, 1981. Letters I Never
Wrote- Conversations I Never Had by Charles B. Bissell, New York, New
York, Macmillan, 1983.