Saturday, November 17, 2012

Day 122- I Am No Match For ME

This blog is part of a series of blogs (listed at the end) within
which I am untangling the patterns and habits I had created and manifested
within and as myself that cause me to have problems at school, studying and taking
responsibility for myself in these ways. It’s interesting because although
these blogs stemmed from the issues I experience while studying, they truly
branch out, reveal and expose general habits and patterns that play out in many
other areas, including touching on global problems. In this way it is demonstrated
how the macro (global systems) indeed exists within the micro (the individual),
and the without reflects the within.

In my last blog post I was dealing with frustration. I
described how waves of frustration will pass over me, and I summed up the
elements of this experience as:
Lack of discipline which causes frustration caused by lack of self-movement due
to helplessness in the face of my own defiance.

I made an analogy of ‘my own defiance’ feelinglike
being confrontedby
a defiant childand
feeling helpless because one cannot ‘force’ a child to do anything if the child
so chooses to set its mind upon
being defiant. I related that the inability to do anything about that situation
was due to potential consequences.
What I was referring to was situation where adults become so frustrated with
the child that they will use physical force/violence, or violent words/reaction
such as getting angryand
yelling- both approaches would normally have negative impacts on both adult and
child, which were the negative consequences I was talking about in my last
blog.

Bringing it back to self: When I am defiant within and towards myself it is due to the fact that I am
experiencing something that I fear giving up. When I am
doing my studies, it requires focus and concentration. This has been quite a
challenge for me, causing great frustration. So what do I fear
giving up? And because behind every fear there is self-interest, as self is
protecting self, what it the self-interest within/as this fear?

Fear of losing: Escape, the ability to ‘relax’ (which really means laziness),
the

The self-interest inherent within all these things is giving up my time, as in
“’my’ time”: The time that I take just for ‘me’ to do whatever ‘I’ want. But really,
this is not true: it’s not what I want. What I (as the directive principle of
me) want is to do my studies, to push myself to do the best I am able, to be
able to direct myself to do something without losing an internal battle. So
what is this ‘I’ that wants only to be lazy, to pursue ‘likes’ and avoid
‘dislikes’ according to some system of judgment about
what is ‘likeable’ and what is ‘unlikeable’- a system of judgment
of ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ that actually diminishes me in so many ways, least of
all is my grades- and a system of judgment that I have no recollection of
creating, yet one that rules my life in so many ways? It is me. But it is not
myself as life; it is myself as a very programmable mind which I have been
programming in unawareness my whole life. Within and during this unawareness,
my mind has run rampant with creating and directing me, to the point where I do
not even really recognize myself.

It’s interesting because when I’m really honest with myself, I can see that the
perception I have of myself is different than who I really am. This is obvious
as I take at look back at my day every night, consider all the things I had set
out to do (intention), and then seeing
the things I had actually done. But who I Am does not exist
within intention, who I really am as living actions is something different from
my intentions. The actions that I actually live out are what are relevant,
because that is the living expression of me and my participation in this world,
as it is for all of us. THAT is what counts. So it’s quite a wakeup call when I
see that my living expression/participation in this world is not even under my
own control, as I set out to do things that I don’t end up doing, or I end up
doing less well than I am able, thus putting up with a sub-standard version of
myself. THAT is unacceptable.

I react to this in frustration, but that is only yet another way to just let it
keep happening. Because within that frustration exists statements like “this is
just impossible,” “I can’t do this,” and “I give up” etc... thus really just
making myself miserable because I’m accepting
and allowing myself to continue by just giving up on myself, and not taking
my power back nor directing myself within self-discipline.

I will continue with self-forgiveness within my next blog, by
taking apart each paragraph to reveal what is still hidden within the words, so that I can correct myself in writing, and live that correction into my actions.

1 comment:

About Me

Hi, my name is Kimberly Kline (nee Doubt). I stand for an Equal Money System- I stand for a dignified life for all beings and I will no longer accept or allow this system of human greed and self-interest that is causing suffering, starvation and abuse for the masses. Every 'solution' we have tried so far has failed- from the United Nations to the United Church. Individual self-change and leadership by example is where it's at. I humbly commit myself to this process and invite anyone who has respect for Life to join me and walk with me, beside me, as self-willed equals, until all are free from the global compromise humanity has created for itself.
Join Desteni for further discussions about world systems and humanity's place within them. Visit Desteni.org and Equalmoney.org.