Monsters, Jokes, Analogies

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Your Emotions Are Stupid. Bottle Them Better.

I’ve never been a huge fan of the “passive aggressive writing in front of an artistic image” movement. It’s what the foundations of Tumblr and PostSecret are built on, and I find that I have better things to do than talk about missing a girl who lives in Europe on top of what looks like a shredded post card or bleached sunset. I’m not saying that you’re ridiculous for thinking that it means anything when you put up your “Oh the things you’ll never know about me…” type quotes, to be shared by anyone with a Ryan Gosling gif and a tear-stained pillow, but you are.

Below are a list of the worst ones that I’ve found recently. Luckily, none of them came from Tumblrs run by people that I know. Otherwise, those people would have just now discovered the reason that I haven’t talked to them since last year. All of these images represent a certain brand of stapid, a word that mixes sad and stupid and is almost too perfect when used to describe these photoshop abominations. So, enjoy. And, if you ever find yourself relating to any of them, just remember that the first step to life-long loneliness is the acceptance that it’s inevitable. Worked for me.

I’m glad that you’ve seen Inception. I really am. It was cool movie and Joseph Gordon Levitt ran down walls. Other then that, I can’t say much about it. But taking Tom Hardy’s quote and turning it into something that looks like a Lowes advertisement for lamp fixtures is scraping the bottom of the barrel when it comes to lazy Sunday cry mornings. I would be more appreciative of the effort that went into this “art” if you’d used a Tom Hardy quote that I could relate too more. For example, here’s a few from “Bronson,” a kickass film that a handful of people saw and everyone loved.

“I gave you fucking magic in there!”

“On my arse, not in my arse, you fuckin’ homo! “

“I am Britain’s most violent prisoner.”

See how emotionally relevant those quotes are? Now imagine them written in all lowercase cursive. You’ll be living the life you want in no time.

Nice ending, ambiguous 1st person sympathy card. I like the flashing line thing at the end, as if the rest is un-written, meaning that you will talk to whoever the other half of “we” refers to. This was obviously written by someone who is trying to maintain a relationship with someone who passionately doesn’t give a shit. And for good reason. If you can’t tell a person that you want to talk, while you’re already talking to them, your problems go far beyond how well you can eat ice cream by yourself.

This was a pop song lyric, I believe. But now, with the ellipses at the end, it becomes the slow ballad dedicated to showing how, while some people can’t move on from not having someone anymore, many others can’t move on from not having someone ever. There are a few solutions to that, and they both involve the words “socialization” or “drinking” or a combination of the two. Usually, before you meet the perfect person, you go through a line of people that I’d like to refer to as “every girl I’ve ever dated.” This line of failures and surprise anxiety attacks prepares you to act rationally when that one special human being comes into your life. Whoever made this won’t know how to act though. They’ll probably greet him/her with “HI. I WRITE WORDS ON BACKGROUNDS AND PUT THEM ON INTERNET AND I HAVE NOT TALKED TO ANYONE IN ABOUT FOUR DAYS. THE MOM SKELETON DOESN’T COUNT.” Also, this takes place either before or after they’ve decided to smother their new acquaintance with a pillow.

Dear Who Ever Wrote This,

I hope that when you finally do decide to “go do” and swim the English Channel or climb a mountain, that an alligator slowly eats you. Alligators don’t even live in either of those places, but I’ve heard that they’re attracted to the smell of blood and self-loathing, so I hope for serendipity.

-Daniel

Good job, Swedish weirdness. You’ve officially given someone the option to not own up to their lack of emotional control. When you least deserve love is usually around the time that you slaughter a family member or violate a burial ground. Good luck finding anyone to give you an “it’s okay” hand squeeze when you’ve just revealed your collection of dead tourist’s clothes hidden in a storage unit. People used to have others killed because they didn’t like their hair color, and this is still the worst logic I’ve ever seen in my life.

Usually when people move, it’s for a good reason. They have the chance for a career opportunity or they’ve found a place that makes them happy. Thank you, writer, for being a conceited dolt. A better phrase to put on this would be “Hey. Remember when we talked twice in Senior Year and you said I seemed interesting and that meant something and you moved to London and I got this waiter job to support my affinity for Miller High Life lol. We should reconnect, and you should move back. It’s the only way this will work.”

How deep of you, maliciously retarded quotation. The point of secrets is usually that people don’t know you have them. I don’t go around saying “I had THREE traumatic childhood moments that scarred me. Pick a card and break the chains, Halfling.” But you wave your “stories” in front of everyone, as if to taunt people with your depth of personality. And if you’re doing that, they’d better be some damn good stories. Here’s a list of stories that I’d be optimistic for:

Survived a dinosaur attack with your fists.

That’s about it. However, it’ll probably end up being this.

You had a break-up and it hurt really bad.

Find a happy medium, and please both me and others with this.

Survived a break-up with a dinosaur that I later killed with my fists.

And lastly, for your entertainment, an image that was funny to me, if only because I can’t imagine people actually doing this, and if they do, how much funnier it would really be.

Do people buy massive pillows just so they can wake up regretting them?