Special Report: Dating Violence

by Teen Vogue

He flattered me, called me beautiful,
carried my books--I totally fell for him," recalls nineteen-year-old Audra* from Richmond, Virginia, of her first boyfriend, whom she started dating during her sophomore year of high school. But as their relationship progressed, Audra says his behavior quickly changed. "At first he would text me with 'Good morning, beautiful. I can't wait to see you.' After a month, it was, 'Why the hell aren't you here yet?'"

Audra's story isn't rare. A recent survey from the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline found that nearly half the female teen respondents said they had been victims of verbal, physical, or sexual abuse by their boyfriends, and a 2001 U.S. Department of Justice report found that women ages 16 to 24 were more vulnerable to nonfatal partner violence than any other age-group.

Serving as a recent reminder that fame doesn't discriminate, singer Chris Brown was recently charged with assault and making criminal threats against his girlfriend, music sensation Rihanna. According to the police report, Brown repeatedly punched Rihanna and threatened to kill her after they argued about text messages from another woman on his phone.

When self-described outcast Laura* was fifteen years old, she
started dating a charming classmate who pursued her. "He wanted to be
with me all the time--it was flattering," says the now-20-year-old San
Antonio, Texas, native. But just a few weeks in, her boyfriend began
verbally abusing her by criticizing her body, undermining her
confidence, and detailing his infidelity.

Laura remained quiet throughout her boyfriend's outbursts until one
incident had her fearing for her life. During a group hangout at her
boyfriend's house, he lost his temper and proceeded to yank her hair,
choke her, and punch her--all while his friends watched. "Later that
night he said, 'If I didn't love you, I wouldn't have hit you.' I
didn't even know what I had done," she says.

"Teens have less experience to go on and are initially more apt to
see jealous, controlling behavior as a sign of love," says Barrie Levy,
author of In Love and in Danger (Seal Press). And because physical
violence can be a more obvious form of abuse, emotional control and
verbal attacks--the most common forms of dating abuse--often go
overlooked. According to a 2005 survey conducted by Teenage Research
Unlimited, 13 percent of teen girls in a relationship reported physical
abuse, and 26 percent reported repeated verbal abuse. "So many girls
have told me the emotional abuse is more scarring," Levy says. "A
bruise heals, but the way you feel about yourself takes a much longer
time."

While enduring an abusive relationship is hard, leaving it can prove
an even tougher task. "With teens, the abuser is usually in school with
them, so it's difficult not to be around each other," says Sheryl
Cates, CEO of the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline. It took Audra
four attempts to finally break it off with her boyfriend: "He'd say,
'Baby, please don't leave me. I love you.' Other times he said he was
going to kill himself. That was a whole other form of manipulation."

According to Levy, many victims don't end things because they think
they won't have anyone to depend on. "The abusers often feel the only
way to make sure a girl won't leave is to completely restrict her--to
make her dependent on him." Both Audra's and Laura's experiences
followed this pattern. "I couldn't see my friends--every weekend he
wanted me to go somewhere only with him," Audra says. Laura wasn't even
allowed to answer her own phone.

Cell phones, PDAs, and social-networking sites are often centrally
involved in abusive relationships. One in three teens who have been in
a relationship say they've been text-messaged 10, 20, or 30 times an
hour by a partner trying to find out where they are, what they are
doing, or whom they are with, reports a 2007 Liz Claiborne Inc. survey.
"Whenever I was with my friends, my ex-boyfriend would call or text me
to make sure I wasn't cheating on him or doing anything else he
wouldn't like," says seventeen-year-old Rebecca* from York,
Pennsylvania.

Experts stress the importance of trusting your gut if you suspect
you are in an unhealthy relationship. "If something doesn't feel right,
it probably isn't," Cates says. "The first step is to tell someone."
And if you aren't comfortable opening up to a person you know,
organizations like the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline
(loveisrespect.org) and Break the Cycle (breakthecycle.org) provide
anonymous counseling and resources specifically for teens. "The most
important thing is safety when you are considering getting out of the
relationship," Cates adds. If you don't feel safe with your partner,
loveisrespect.org suggests breaking up over the phone--not in person--or
in a public place with friends or your parents waiting nearby.

It's been almost four years since Audra walked away from her abusive
relationship--and she has only looked forward. The college freshman
plans on pursuing therapy for teens. She says, "I feel like, in a way,
between me and him, I won."