And everyone gets an F! That’s not how you dress up as a pregnant Kim Kartrashian. What you have to do is buy 5 of the biggest plastic beach balls you can find, fill them with gallons upon gallons of soil jelly and strap 2 to your chest, 2 to your ass cheeks and 1 to your belly. Once you’ve done that, put on 6 pairs of Spanx and wrap your body in several layers of Saran Wrap before you get 4 of your strongest friends and a truck with a trailer hitch to squeeze you into a size 2 Spandex dress in either black or beige. If you’re able to breathe through your mouth while wearing that dress, it’s not tight enough. So get your friends to cut you out of it and put you in a smaller one. You will know if the dress is the right size if it’s so tight that you have to breathe out of your asshole. After you achieve that, slap a rubber trout mask over your face and get someone to spray you down with orange paint. There you go! Knocked Up Kim!

Yesterday, was the 35th birthday of the Ninth Circle’s Princess and to celebrate, Kanye Kartrashian rented out a movie theater in Thousand Oaks, CA. They watched Steve Jobs, the movie about Kanye’s second idol (Kanye’s first idol is himself, of course), and had a party where everyone dressed up like a pregnant Kim. Kim sharted up a picture of her “pregnant birthday” cake on Instagram and said that everyone had to wear a rubber baby bump. Khloe Kartrashian wasn’t there, because she’s busy nursing Lamar Odomuntil he’s well enough to recite scripted lines while shooting their new reality show Khloe & Lamar: She Loved Him Back To Life.

A photo posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on Oct 21, 2015 at 8:57pm PDT

Most of the people who were at that party don’t feel anything, which is great for them, because that shit sounds like a nightmare. I mean, you’re in a darkened theater with a sweat-inducing rubber belly on your body and to the right of you flashes are going off from the KKKKs (Kim, Kourtney, Kris and Kylie) taking selfies and to the left of you are the squishy sounds of Kanye fingering his b-hole and jacking off while watching his hero’s story on the screen. And then you walk out into the lobby and see another white rose wall from HELL. I used to like white roses until Kanye “President Snow” West came along and ruined them for EVERYONE.

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