26 August 2006

Can we talk about Bershon?

"Bershon is pretty much how you feel when you're 13 and your parents make you wear a Christmas sweatshirt and then pose for a family picture, and you could not possibly summon one more ounce of disgust, but you're also way too cool to really even DEAL with it, so you just make this face like you smelled something bad and sort of roll your eyes and seethe in a put-out manner." (quote from Sarah Brown)

But let's talk about Bershon, because there have been some so NOT Bershon photos posted that I think we need clearer definition. Actually, Sarah Brown's quote above is all you need to know about what IS Bershon.

I think we need to talk about what is NOT Bershon. Here is my list so far. Why do I get to decide? Because I'm the Decider. And because I thought of it first. So nyah.

1. Babies with cranky faces are not Bershon. Bershon implies a certain self-conscious world-hating attitude that only develops with time and hormones. Little kids may appear to be Bershon, but we are projecting.2. Photos of someone who is kind of uncomfortable but who is about to crack up are not Bershon.3. People who are just bored are not Bershon.4. People who are stoic are not Berson.5. Old people, in general, are not Bershon, though there may be exceptions.6. Animals are not Bershon. Animal are animals.

And, in case you need one perfect example, THIS is the face of Bershon. Seethe, Bershon Girl, seethe! It's going to be a long, hard adolescence, because it is tough being cooler than everyone else in the world. I know. I've been there.

All of my bershonitude was captured on polaroid film and is stuck in a decrepit, definitely not acid-free, not lignen-free (whatever the F lignen is!), super cheezy, faux-leather photo albums. And I haven't got a scanner to share. Or a Flickr account. But trust me, I was sssooooo beyond awesome. I could have told you back then. If I deigned to speak to you.

I wonder exactly when I became Bershon. Or...was I just born that way. Maybe it was when my mother trimmed my bangs with her sewing scissors until they looked like a brushy moustache over my eyebrows. I'm still recovering.

After browsing the Bershon pool, I see that there is a need for a Decider, definitely! Another example that doesn't seem to apply is the "serious" yearbook or senior photo. That's where the kid looks like that because the photographer said they should, not because they can't summon a smile...I'll bet the photos on either side of that one in the proofs show a perfectly cheerful face.