Account

An account of the long unhappy courtship of Anne Eyres would make for long unhappy reading. Such designs as I have to entertain do not permit me to indulge myself in that forbidding geography. We will take the direct route to the flourish: She ran away with the bellhop not four minutes into the honeymoon, two minutes after the consummation. She ran away with the bellhop’s brother the next day. The next week, outside Tucson, she absconded with the brother’s convertible. By Saturday she was in Vegas, in debt, drunk, and famous. By Sunday she was married to America.

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"All the while I have been forgetting the third of my reasons for remaining so faithful a citizen of the Federation, despite all the lascivious inducements from expatriates to follow them beyond the seas, and all the surly suggestions from patriots that I succumb. It is for the reason which grows out of my medieval but unashamed taste for the bizarre and indelicate, my congenital weakness for comedy of the grosser varieties. The United States, to my eye, is incomparably the greatest show on earth."