Making the call &mdash; a cold, lonely calling

You may have noticed that the "Do Not Call" thing has either expired or intentionally ignored. I realize that some of you lonesome souls welcome a conversation with George or Sally or Sam, who want just a few minutes of your time. Trouble is, I don't, and I really want to see the third set in Beach Volley Ball without interruption ... and that, of course, is another story.

We should realize, friends, that those callers are well intentioned, trying to make a living or get somebody elected. I know, know. They should get a real job and leave you the hell alone! Keep in mind some of these callers are students, just as you were, once upon a time.

I happen to be an expert on the subject. A long time ago I managed a bunch of young stockbrokers ... and some not so young ... and in those days it was thought that the best way to develop a client list, or build a book, was to cold call, cold call, cold call.

When I started in the business I waited by the door for a "walk in," somebody who wanted to buy a dozen PG&E shares or plunk down a few thou in a mutual fund. Later, we actually gave classes on cold calling. "Good evening! My name is Roger Martin. I'm a stockbroker with Dean Witter and I'm just calling to introduce myself ... Hello? Hello?" and so on, into the night. Sounds easy, doesn't it! Well, big time instructor from NY says to a room full of managers, "Here's a couple of names for each of you. We'll put you on the speaker phone and see how you do." Sheer terror, with fumbled words, sweat and sudden newfound sympathy for our rookies.

I hired one kid who swore he loved to cold call, and as I walked by his desk I could overhear him carry on conversations with prospects, a smile on his face. (Cardinal rule: Always smile when talking on the phone.) But where were the new accounts?

Turned out he'd rather jump off the bridge than make a cold call, kept his finger on the phone cradle, talked into the air all day long. He wound up at Macy's, selling shoes, and did very well. Which brings me to another point. I hired a lot of promising candidates, and down the road, for any number of reasons, I had to terminate (fire) some of them. Everyone I fired was thrilled.

There are a lots of ways to end a conversation with a cold caller. The kindest is to simply say, "No Thank You," and hang up. I've heard of people telling them to wait just a minute, leave the phone off the hook, and finish cleaning up the kitchen. Mean!

And then you may be the one in a hundred he or she has called tonight who really is interested in helping the homeless, answering a set of questions, or the Sunday Edition of The Monterey Herald.

I'm only slightly ashamed of my latest tactic. "Thank goodness you called, and I will indeed consider lifetime care! First, though, I want you personally to buy a copy of my book, 'What Steinbeck Left Out,' $15.99 at Amazon, and as soon as I see that you have bought one, I'll call you back and we'll discuss the rest of my life! Hello? Hello?"

OK, just remember, folks, that caller on the other end of the line is somebody's son or daughter, trying to make an honest living. Be kind, be nice and be polite. It's tough out there!