Star Trek Nemesis

Pictorial Plot Synopsis Page 2 of 4

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It is I, Shinzon! Feared ruler of Romulus and Remus! So why do I look like an effete Parisian male fashion model? Ahh, never mind. Picard, I invite you to dinner, but I'm in no hurry even though my DNA is fucked up so I'll die in 24 hours unless I kidnap you and drain your blood. No hurry at all, so let us wait till tomorrow, because ... because ... Christ, who the fuck wrote this script?

Did you sleep well? I did; I'm 12 hours closer to death! Now, let me waste even more time by talking to you about my childhood. The Romulans cloned you to create me, then stuck me in the dilithium mines and abused me for years. This is why I now seek to bring glory to the Romulan Empire by ... Sweet Mother of God, I can't believe I'm in this shitty movie. I need a new agent.

Yes, touch my bald head and use your telepathic powers. Even though I'm now literally hours from death, I think I'll delay kidnapping Picard so I can mind-rape Troi. This will show the audience just how villainous I am, in case they're totally retarded and don't get it yet. Dammit, I should have asked for more money up-front for this gig. A cut of the box-office won't be worth shit.

Oh my God, they're finally transporting the Captain away! Bet you never saw THAT coming! Oooh, check out the new Romulan transporter effect. The sparklies are green now!

I'm here to rescue you, Captain. Shinzon thought I was B-4 but I'm actually Data. Good thing we caught B-4 trying to hack into our computer. It's also a good thing Shinzon trusts B-4 so completely that he lets him run around unsupervised. Can you believe Rick Berman said this guy would rival Khan?

PICARD:

Shinzon will kill everyone on Earth with his funky Medusa superweapon that turns people to stone.

CREW:

Why? Shouldn't he hate the Romulans for torturing him, rather than hating humans for sharing his DNA?

PICARD:

It's shitty writing. Just nod and carry on.

CREW:

Aye, sir.

OK Captain, here's the plan. We're going to fly through this mysterious green cloud where sensors and communications won't work, so it'll be perfect for Shinzon to ambush us. The fleet is waiting on the other side, but they're too fucking stupid to ask why we go into the cloud and don't come out, so they'll just sit there for the duration of the battle.

Bwahahaha, I ambushed them inside the green cloud! Bet you never saw that coming, did you?

Shinzon's first rule of space combat: if you have an invisible ship, stay so close to the enemy that he can fire blind and still hit your dumb ass.

Hello Captain, I've come to rescue you. Unfortunately, I brought just two small ships because I'm not supposed to make a real difference to the story. I'm just here to add fluff to the battle scene and help drag it out.