This solar panel tie collects light and, through a process that even Scientologists don't understand, converts it to usable energy. The tie has a little pocket on the back that stores the gadget you're charging, and is completely impractical. I'm all for green shit (figuratively), but I just don't see these catching on. The majority of guys that have to wear ties (like me) work in fluorescent cubicle farms where this thing would get little to no charge. I mean, I can't even see a freaking window from here. We used to have one, but management boarded it up when they found out we liked looking out of it. What somebody needs to do is invent solar powered hard hats or something a landscaper would wear, like, I dunno, a suntan. Oh my God, I'm brilliant.

Hello, patent office? Are you sitting down? Good, now put this in your pipe and smoke it -- solar-powered suntans! I drew a picture and everything. Well, it's on a bar napkin, so I'll just tell you -- it's a really tan guy on a lawnmower charging a boombox. It's great, he's got a cord coming out of his belly button and everything. Hello? HELLO?