What's up, Doc?My favorite Halloween costume of all time was Bugs Bunny with a mask that my mother made for me. The mask was cloth, durable, and three times bigger than my five-year-old head. I kept it past the Halloween when I first wore it and even took it to college with me. Sometimes, I would run around the dorm with it on my head just because it was fun to freak people out. It was still too big, but I wore it. At least, I loved it, and I wasn’t hiding. How many of us in our lives wear masks that don’t fit us, but we still wear them? We mask who we really are for whatever reason we think is important.

It’s always a question of what people will say. What will they think? We’re always conditioned to be aware of how other people perceive us because if they don’t approve they can deny us something. Their friendship. A job. Their love. Whatever we think they can give us that we don’t already have.

The masks I have wornWhat that leads to, sometimes, is us hiding who we really are. We put whatever mask on that fits. My first one was the demure, soft-spoken, traditional Indian girl. I can give you all of those traits, but they are notwhere I live. I can be the hammer of the gods if I need to be, and I will question the status quo all day long.

In Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, Marilyn Monroe said, “I can be smart when it’s important, but most men don’t like it.” My problem is: I’m always smart, and most peopledon’t like it. Sometimes, I observe in a situation, and it can appear like the blinders are on because I’m not saying anything. When I’m really paying attention, I observe a lot, but I can stay quiet because someone may not be ready for the truth as I perceive it. Granted, there’s a time and place for everything, but even if I know you well, I might seal my lips.

Sometimes, I’m just hiding behind a silent, brooding facade. I am shy and introverted by nature, so I don’t like to stick out. When I was in college, someone I eventually became close friends with told me she thought I was a snob when she first met me. I surprised her when I opened up and talked to her more. That happens to me sometimes. People see my reserve as some sort of superiority complex. Or, they just think I’m quiet. Actually, most of the time, I’m just observing the situation before I dive in. If I know you, I can talk your ear off all day long. That’s who I really am, but I may not show you that right away.

Stepping from behind the maskInstead of deciding which mask to wear, maybe we should decide just to speak our truth. We’re so caught up in what we could lose or what we may not gain that we lay our paths almost too carefully. We make ourselves palatable to whoever we need to. That’s something I still work on. The trick is to feel comfortable within ourselves and allow everyone else to follow that lead.

Self-interested vs. selfishWe have to make ourselves a top priority in our life. Yet, many of us feel selfish when we do that. In fact, many words with the word “self” in it have some sort of negative connotation to them. Self-centered. Selfish. Self-absorbed. Self-interested and selfish are often used interchangeably. When many of us are thinking of ourselves in a situation, we pause and make sure we are not being selfish. Actually, we shouldthink of ourselves in a situation where we have to choose between ourselves and others. We should think of our own well-being. Acting in our own self-interest is crucial to our survival both emotionally and physically. Weren’t we put here to survive? Thinking of yourself, then someone else does not make you selfish. For me, self-interest and self-preservation go hand in hand. Choosing ourselves and choosing others is a balancing act. Here are 3 questions to consider when choosing between ourselves and someone else:

1. Is my yes to someone else no to me?Is that yes putting you in an uncomfortable situation? Will it lead to you denying yourself something that matters to you in the moment? You have to remember you always matter in the equation. Be unapologetic when it comes to setting your boundaries.

2. What will my yes to someone cost me, and am I willing to pay that cost?If your yes to someone else costs you time, resources, or something else of value to you, is it something you can do without? If that cost to you is your well-being or happiness, that’s when you have to act in your own self-interest.

3. What will my no cost someone else?If someone is on the verge of losing their life, livelihood, or something else precious to their survival, then, of course, you don’t say no in that situation. However, many times, we feel pressured to say yes even when a situation is not even close to being dire.

Being your truest selfOur lives are a direct result of the choices we make. When we consistently choose the needs of others over our own needs, we are devaluing ourselves. How does that affect our life? Have we really preserved our true selves or the version that makes others happy at the expense of our own happiness? Have we made ourselves happy just as much as we have made others happy? When we have that balance, we have our truest selves.

The accidental plumberI fixed my own toilet once. That’s a big deal because I don’t fix anything. I’ll pay someone. Anyway, some sort of valve got loose. I went on Youtube to see how to replace it and fix it. I did it, but I most likely couldn’t do it again. Granted, I only did it the one time, but my only real motivation to fix it was to avoid asking a specific person who I was mad it. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of asking him. When I was elbow deep in the commode, I just wanted to get it done. I got no joy from learning something new. I only did it out of spite, pretty much. Essentially, I missed out on a learning opportunity. I did experience some joy in doing something I didn’t think I could do, but I wasn’t present enough to pay attention to the process. Life is a balance between results and trusting the process.

Most of my life has been spent in the results I was getting, what I was producing. I’ve always been about the goal. Rarely was I about, how I reached a goal. I only paid enough attention to planning and executing the steps I had to take. I joined clubs in school because I knew it would look good on a college transcript. I only went to college because I knew it would help me get a good job. I chose a university that was 3 and a half hours away to get out of the house, not to broaden my horizons.

Inhaling the aromasI didn’t step back to take it all in the way I should have. I was all about what I was doing next, where I was going next. Always thinking ahead. Not what I was doing at that moment. You can miss out on a lot when you do that: a memory, a lesson, or another blessing.

We can get a lot out of an experience when we’re not so wrapped up in an outcome. When we eat, a need is automatically met. We understand we are going to survive so we go beyond whether or not our immediate need is being met. Many times, it isn’t just the simple act of chewing and swallowing. We see the food. We smell it. We savor the flavors when we taste it. All of these factors help us enjoy our meals. When we pay attention to all the aspects surrounding it, we enjoy it so much more.

Why not apply that process to other areas of our lives? We can have that same amount of trust at other times, especially when it comes to things that we want. Sometimes, we are so focused and attached to the result that we miss what we could learn. Maybe, we could be missing something better than what we originally intended. We muddle through when we really should be inhaling the aromas of what we are surrounded by. When you’re present, and finding satisfaction in whatever you’re doing, it all enhances your experience. You may also find your goal gets accomplished without you even realizing it.

A matter of trustFrom the moment we’re born, our lives are about trust. Trust that our needs will be met. Most of us don’t even have to think about it. We are fed, clothed, sheltered, and loved. As children, we have that trust, so we are exploring the world, taking it all in, and having fun. How much did we learn in that process? Things that are so much more difficult to learn as an adult, we learn with ease as children. Our minds are sponges, and we soak it all in. Sometimes, we get hurt along the way, but our needs are always met. We have that innate trust. That trust propels us forward.

We lose it along the way. We’re so wrapped up in what we think we should be achieving. We’re worried about time, how people see us, if we’re “doing it right.” Things that slow us down and actually can get in the way of what we want to do.

Show up, and it gets doneWhen I taught, I got so wrapped up in some form of “is it enough.” Enough for students, parents, administrators, even other teachers, Over time, I came to realize that I know more than the kids when it comes to the subject. Most of the parents were grateful that I helped their kids. Administrators and teachers were worried about covering their asses just as much as I was. That helped me to stop worrying.

When I prepared and enjoyed that process of putting a lesson or a unit together. The work was done, All I had to do was show up. Even when I did something completely off the cuff, just because I thought it would have a benefit and my students and I just enjoyed what was going on, magic happened sometimes.

Many times, if we trust, show up, and pay attention, we can do what needs to be done. We can achieve what we want to achieve. If we trust in our ability to meet our own needs and let the process unfold in a natural way, then we will have the results that we want. It’s that simple and that complicated at the same time. We make it that way when we don’t trust the process.

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." Harold Thurman

Making Major Life Decisions at ThirteenFor most of my life, I have made decisions that have made feel safe. When I was thirteen, I decided I was going to be a lawyer because I had an inner compulsion to know what job I wanted to be doing for the rest of my life. I knew that I wanted a career, but I didn’t know what. I chose lawyer because it seemed like a reputable occupation. I couldn’t be a doctor because I wasn’t scientifically inclined. To me, being a lawyer was the next best thing. Since that was done, I could relax and do what I needed to do in school.

Yes, this was my thought process at thirteen. Since I was the youngest and always wanting to do what my older brothers and sisters were doing, I grew up fast. It didn’t dawn on me that they were in a place where they had the time to figure it out. I was more concerned about having an answer than giving myself the time to learn more about me and what I liked.

I never could sit too long with uncertainty. To me, uncertainty was equivalent to unsafe. For a long time, I didn’t understand how people could freelance and work on commission. I had to know a paycheck was coming at a certain day and time, like clockwork.

Breathing in UncertaintyAll these years later, I am the opposite of who I was and what makes me feel safe. I started freelancing almost two years ago, and I love it. I love working for myself. I get paid when I do the work. I know I will do the work. That’s all the certainty I need now. I quit my steady teaching job for the risk of freelancing. I got work quickly. It wasn’t so difficult because I knew I could make it work. That’s all I need now. The inner knowing without the detail. That’s why I took my leap of faith. What I’m about to share with you, I’ve experienced myself. Maybe it’ll apply to you, too. Here are 5 signs that it may be time to take a leap of faith:

1. The things that you loved most about a situation are now repelling you.One of the things I loved most about teaching was the students. I loved helping them grow, and I knew they appreciated what I did. Then, one day, they got on my nerves so much that I felt like they didn’t give a shit one way or another. We all have moments like that, but on that particular day, I felt like nothing I did meant anything. It wasn’t just there. It was everywhere. That’s a shitty place to be.

2. You start focusing more on the things you didn't do rather than the things you are doing. I started asking myself lots of questions. Why was I still in Pennsylvania? Why was I still working in the same place? Why was I still in a house that I was only supposed to be in for a few years 10 years later? Meanwhile, I had written a book that I never expected to write and was finishing another. I was becoming a better teacher every day. I was becoming closer to people I had been guarded with before. But instead of enjoying what I accomplished, I was despairing over what I hadn’t.

3. You're not connecting with people close to you the way you once did.People I once enjoyed spending time with bored me to tears. I wanted to be somewhere else with people I connected to.

4. Where you are is not where you want to be.I experienced this both physically and emotionally. Places that I once enjoyed or at the very least tolerated I couldn’t wait to leave. I didn’t want to be in Pennsylvania or in the classroom.

5. You're not growing the way you want to.I love to read, and I love to learn. Anything that teaches me something I didn’t know before I am all about. I took a sabbatical for a half a semester to learn about a group of students I hadn’t had experience teaching but was getting a lot of. I wanted to be as knowledgeable for myself as well as them. That exhilarated me, but when I was done, I was in the same place. I felt stagnant. That’s when I really knew that I had to move on.

All of these things together showed me that I wasn’t satisfied. Satisfaction is the way to true movement forward. It makes you come alive. If you’re not satisfied, you have to find a way to be satisfied. There is safety in uncertainty about details. The reason for that is that when you are certain about yourself, who you are, and what satisfies you then you will always be safe. For me, belief in myself is all the certainty I need.

Keep walking, though there’s no place to get to.Don’t try to see through the distances.That’s not for human beings. Move within,But don’t move the way fear makes you move. - Rumi

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We all fear something whether we admit it or not. When we were children, it might have been the dark, monsters, or animals. One of my fears was the escalator. Seriously. I was afraid to get on the escalator because I thought I might fall. I stopped being afraid. I don’t know what clicked for me or when. I made a decision that I wasn’t going to be afraid and went on it without creating drama. I’ve done that many times in my life. Here are 5 times in my life when I overcame my fears:

1. When I went away to college.When I landed on campus in August of 1992, I was like a dog with my head out the window at the idea of being away from home. The first morning when I woke up in my new bed in the dorms I asked myself: Am I going to make it here? A twinge of discomfort shot right through me as I thought that. The next thought was some form of yes. I don’t remember what the exact words were. I just know this wave of calm came over me. I knew I would make it so I did.

2. When I lived alone for the first time.I have always lived either with family or roommates. When I bought my first home, the first night I was a little fearful. I sat with it for a minute, and then a feeling of peace flooded me, like my first morning at college. Something in me told me I would always be safe. And I was.

3. When I wrote and published my first book.Until recently, I dabbled in writing. I would have these bursts of creativity at various times, and I would write something halfway decent. Other times, it wasn’t on my radar. I was too busy trying to build my life in a practical way. Writing was special, a treat for myself when I had down time from doing “productive” things. For many years, I didn’t even share my writing with other people because I was afraid of judgment. Then, the heavens gave me the inexplicable nudge they blessed me with at other times in my life. I made a decision to write my stories and not care if people knew or not. I did have this fear of whether or not people would like what I wrote. Then, I decided how they felt about my stories was none of my business. Being creative and expressing myself became my priority. I decided to write a short story collection. When I finished writing, I researched publishers, chose one, and released Shaherazade’s Daughters.

4. When I took an early retirement from teaching to write full-time.I loved teaching. Then, when I realized that I loved it, but it no longer fulfilled me, I decided to move on and become a full-time writer. After 17 years of stability and security with an established career, I walked away for the satisfaction that only pursuing a passion can give. At the same time, I accepted the uncertainty that comes with a new venture. It took me a year and a half to take a deep breath and go for it. I told myself: You built a life when you only had 26 dollars in your checking account. You have a little more than that now. You’ll be okay. Like so many times in my life, I relied on my strength. It hasn’t failed me yet.

5. When I worried about failing as a writer because I'm a newbie.When I started out writing full-time, I didn’t know shit about how to do it professionally. I only knew that I am a strong writer with a brain and a plan, even if that plan evolves. Despite that assertion, that persistent nagging thought that plagues many artists came in my head: Am I good or do I actually suck and am too oblivious to realize it? That thought comes less and less in my head because nothing in me lets me waver from my writing craft. I hone it and perfect it every day, just like when I was a teacher. And I was a damn good teacher. The game-changer for me to get over this looming fear of failure was realizing how many times I have failed in life, and here I am in the best place I’ve ever been. So many times, I wanted something and didn’t get it. How many teaching interviews did I go on and blew it? I still moved on and became successful at it. The failures didn’t destroy me. I only rose from the ashes of them. ​