Is saying no allowed?

I haven't put this in the armed forces section (though I had a quick look there) because well it isn't really so much about the army, more going away in general.

DH mentioned to me last night that he is thinking about joining the army or the army reserve. He has a good job now but they go through periods of not much work to do and this week has been one of those. The thing is I don't want him to do it. None of it. For work now he does one night away most months and there is no way I could handle him going away for long periods for whatever they do in the army - or if there is a way I just don't want to handle it. Its not the type of life I want now or in the future when we have children. I am in tears just writing this and all he's done is look at the website.
I feel pathetic but I dont want him to go. Am I being awful and selfish and holding him back from what he wants to do by saying no when he asks 'so what do you think'?

Re: Is saying no allowed?

Of course saying no is allowed its not just a career change, its something that will effect both of you and your future family enormously. Big decisions like that have to be made together, and it doesn't sound like he thinks its his calling in life, just something he might be interested in. So your strong opinion wins imo.
A few years back my DP was thinking of starting his own business, and I told him I was really against the idea. When I told him all my reasons he actually agreed with me.
So please don't freak out, just tell him how you feel- its likely he hasn't even thought about the cons.

Is saying no allowed?

I can understand his suggestion has probably come a little out of left field for you and has caused you a bit of surprise. It is often very easy to think if the negative affects of defence life, such as him being away at times. But there is a whole lot of positives too!!!! Job security, the opportunity for advancement, assisted housing, seeing australia, the community you can be apart of (im a defence spouse and i love it) the best part for me is that my husband loves his job, has so much pride when he puts on his uniform, and it makes me proud too of him and our country. Of course there are difficult times, but no matter what you do in life, there are difficulties. If it is a big no for you, you need to talk to him seriously about it, but if its something he really wants to do...? How would you feel if he said no to something you really wanted to achieve in your professional life? Maybe try with reserves if he really wants to before going full time, that way it might keep you both happy.
If you have any questions please feel free to pm me

Re: Is saying no allowed?

The defence lifestyle is hard. There's moving around a lot, training exercises, deployments and everything in between. It's not a walk in the park. If you don't think you could cope, tell him out right. It's a bit different for me, as my DP was in the navy before I met him, so I made that sacrifice. I didn't feel like I could tell him to quit.

If you ask me, he sounds like he's toying with the idea. If he was to join, I'd recommend the reserves. Means he does his initial training then is based where you currently live. He can reject deployments and exercises easier. But in saying that, if he doesn't work, he won't get paid. Just like a casual. (another bonus of the reserves is tax free money, and no travel restrictions).

I hope this gives you a bit more of an idea about the defence lifestyle. If you have any questions, pm me.

Thank you for the replies so far.
DH is 24 and currently a tradesman. I have though what if it was me and I wanted to do something and he'd said no, but I'd never want to work away so I can't compare.
I don't really know how much he's looked into it, or how much he really wants to do it, but the thing is he knows what I'm like...

hi mischa44, i would agree to him looking further into the reserves. If you are totally against the idea of a 'service life' then the reserves are a good compromise. My hubby did look at joining the army when he was 26. We had just had our first bub, and I was very happy with our life, but if he had done that I would have walked out the door. He did join the reserves and that worked out fine, for a few years. If anyone joins the services, it becomes your life, it is not a job, it is total commitment, and if both partners dont agree to the commitment, it can cause the end of the relationship. You most certainly can say 'no' . Marie.

I can understand his suggestion has probably come a little out of left field for you and has caused you a bit of surprise. It is often very easy to think if the negative affects of defence life, such as him being away at times. But there is a whole lot of positives too!!!! Job security, the opportunity for advancement, assisted housing, seeing australia, the community you can be apart of (im a defence spouse and i love it) the best part for me is that my husband loves his job, has so much pride when he puts on his uniform, and it makes me proud too of him and our country. Of course there are difficult times, but no matter what you do in life, there are difficulties. If it is a big no for you, you need to talk to him seriously about it, but if its something he really wants to do...? How would you feel if he said no to something you really wanted to achieve in your professional life? Maybe try with reserves if he really wants to before going full time, that way it might keep you both happy.
If you have any questions please feel free to pm me

Is saying no allowed?

My dad joined the Air Force when I was 2. We've lived in 4 states. Most recently, we were posted to Amberley in Qld in 2003, and my dad was able to be posted back and forth between two squadrons (units) at Amberley so that we could stay here for school. In 2012 he was posted out of Amberley to Williamstown in NSW. Well, my brother was about to start high school, I had just moved back into the family home with my son, my mum was working fulltime and my other brother was married with a pregnant wife. So dad was posted unaccompanied. The Raaf found him a furnished apartment, pays his rent, pays for him to return home 6 times a year, and pays him an allowance for the inconvenience of being without his family. This is his second year being away. He wants to come back but there isn't a job here for him yet.

The moral of this story is... You didn't sign up for the defence lifestyle and you shouldn't be forced in to it. The reason the above circumstances work is because we are adults. It would be different for you if your hubby was posted around Oz and you went with him, but as an able bodied, young, childless man.... He's going to be deployed. It's a fact. If you know you won't cope, then he needs to be satisfied with the Reserves. He will be a family man soon enough, and then I'm sure his priorities will change

I know with my DP if i said No he would feel resentful like he is being told what to do
But you are a couple this sort of decision needs to be made together. Hopefully when you talk about it he will come to realize this and you can both work out a compromise you are both happy with.
Saying that, if i took every idea my DP looked into as what was going to really happen, i would have grey hair by now!
Good Luck!

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