October 13, 2009

I am running low on Vitamin D, and judging by my apathy and lack of motivation, I think it's getting to me.

I need the sunshine.

I think next semester I'm going to take on a heavier course-load. I feel like I have way too much time to think right now. I hate thinking. Nah, hate is a strong word...I am not too fond of thinking. There, I said it.

Today in Sociology, I'll be getting my Issue Reaction Paper handed back to me. The mark written at the top of the page will either make or break my day. But I don't want it to. I don't want to care that much... Is it really that easy for me to lie to myself?

I need to stop thinking.

On the bright-side of this overly depressing blog entry, something good happened today! I finally figured out what my favorite color is! I've honestly lived five years of my life convinced that I could never ever choose one. But alas, I have found him, and he is beautiful. He also shouldn't even be referred to as a he, because he's not the most masculine of colors. I don't have a name for him, because he is simply indescribable. <3

October 6, 2009

I admit, I'm having a hard time concentrating. I should be reading a short story from my English course-pack, but I can't. Too much on the mind, one might say.

I should be like a sponge, soaking in every word; understanding every word. But I can't. I feel like every detail is flying straight over my head. So instead of making an effort to grasp what I'm reading, I'm just simply memorizing the curves on the pages.

Sounds just like my high school chemistry class. I didn't understand a thing, yet I got above 90's on almost all of my tests, just from purely memorizing all of the concepts. It makes me wonder, what's the point? What's the point in reading all of these textbooks, attending all of these classes, and paying all of this tuition if you're not really learning?

For instance, sometimes I do my homework just to have the satisfaction of being able to say, "I got it done". But when I go to class the next day and I'm asked to reflect on what I read, I have nothing to show for it, even though I did read the text.

...What's going on?

I always feel like I have something to prove, which leaves me to forget why I'm here...Why am I here? To compete in a popularity contest? To walk away with a 4.0 GPA? To be noticed? To "find" myself? To be as "great" of a Christian as the person next to me?

To be honest, I just want to let all of that go. I don't want to have to prove anything! I just want to live and learn, and go to bed every night knowing that I did the best I could.

October 1, 2009

For one of the classes I'm taking, University 101, I was required to take the True Colors personality quiz. The four colors are:

Gold: Responsible

Green: Curious

Blue: Harmonious

Orange: Adventurous

And as for my result?

Blue: "They're searching for the meaning of life. Their motivation is to feel authentic. They yearn for self-actualization, yet it is always just beyond their grasp. They are the peacemakers and as children find conflict very stressful. They focus on people and their relationships to one another. They love to build self-esteem and make others feel good about who they are. They can easily motivate and inspire people to make changes in their lives and reach their potential. They often work in careers that involve helping people, such as psychology, ministry, counseling, journalism, or teaching."

That is so me: I'm terrified of conflict, I'm desperate for authentication, and I want nothing more than to help people everyday of my life.

And speaking of helping, when I tell people that I'm majoring in English, they always reply with, "Oh, you're gonna be a teacher! I could totally see you doing that!"

...wait, What? ME? A Teacher?! I was thinking more along the lines of writing, journalism, and editing...but...

To be completely and CRAZILY honest, It actually makes me think twice. Maybe I could be a teacher...ONE day...even though I want to wring public-speaking's neck, maybe I could help and inspire others from the front of the classroom...

I always hear stories from teachers, leaders, and even resident assistant's of how they used to be so shy, and insecure, and 3 years ago they would've never pictured themselves leading and guiding others this way. And now, they're role models, they're loved, and they inspire SO many people. It amazes me. Truly. We obviously have so much potential inside of us, and hidden gifts we never knew we had. So it leaves me thinking...what if I could be like that? What if I became someone I thought I could never become?

But for now, I will get back to studying in the library...and work on completing this "Bachelor of Arts in English" major of mine...