Jason jumps bail to get Jake, then recreates Elizabeth’s dream by bringing him home. Maureen tells Jason and Amelia that Sam saw her take Jake. Noah either has a twin or moonlights as an ‘80s rocker named Eli Love. Carly and Jerry fight and don’t get rescued. Sonny tells Kate exactly why Jerry isn’t Port Charles’ sweetheart.

Oh, no. Are they going to make us listen to Rick Springfield singing?

Awww, Jason skipped bail to save his son. How...completely abnormal.

Kate and Jerry both boring me? Not a good thing. I guess the Irina story is true, though.

Lucky has bad timing. Can someone please tell him the truth already?

June 3rd, 2007

Lucky has to have Jason arrested for violating his bail by going to Albany to get Jake. Scott has Jason taken to Pentonville…and he can’t have any visitors. After being freed from the boiler room (again), Carly decides not to tell Sonny that Jerry locked them in. Kate runs into Jerry and Sonny warns him to stay away from her. Robin and Patrick get tickets to an Eli Love concert. Noah scoffs at the whole thing, so Epiphany schools him. A drunken Logan tells Coop and Maxie that Scott is his father, then kisses Maxie.

I hope Steve Burton has a nice vacation, since I’m guessing that’s what this is all about. (Yeah, of course Jason can’t have visitors. What’s up with Scott?)

Epiphany! Come back! Tell us the rest of the story! You’re awesome!

If Coop is going to stick around, can Jason Gerhardt get some acting lessons, please?

Eli Love is so famous, why is that no one has noticed his resemblance to Noah until now?

July 4th, 2007

Jerry manipulates Carly into letting him spend time with her, Michael, and Morgan. Ned gets Dillon a job as an assistant on a movie set. Tracy doesn’t want Dillon to leave until he gets her out of the institution, but Alan tells Tracy that now that she’s done something else shameful, he’s not going to leave her alone. Lainey and Stan decide to go out to shut Epiphany up. Stan tells Lainey she’s not his type, but that doesn’t seem to be the truth. Maxie calls off her deal with Logan, but after he kisses her again, she changes her mind. Logan and Maxie both seem to like each other more than they let on.

Happy second- and third-tier character day! Seriously, other than Carly, there were no A-list characters on today. You know it’s a holiday when a) nothing happens and b) Stan gets more screentime than Georgie.

Hi, Ned! Why don’t you stay for a while? You’re awesome.

Dillon, would you mind taking Georgie with you when you leave?

The random nurses (and Dr. Julian from yesterday) are being set up for General Hospital: Night Shift, so don’t bother caring about them unless you’re going to watch that show. Hey, does this mean Billy Dee Williams is going to pop up here?

July 5th, 2007

Dillon isn’t sure he can leave the Quartermaines to fend for themselves or be away from Lulu for so long. Tracy asks Lulu to convince Dillon to stay by telling him how much his friendship means to her, but Lulu and Georgie both think Dillon should go to L.A. Sonny plans to buy Kate’s house and tries to encourage her to give in to temptation more often. Too bad she sees him with Carly and thinks there’s something going on between them (instead of the reality that Carly is an immature, manipulative, whiny little baby.) Patrick and Noah fight and Patrick tells Robin that one of them will need to quit. He freaks out when he thinks Noah has been brought in with a possible brain embolism, but it’s actually Eli. Sonny is furious to learn that Carly, Michael, and Morgan spent the 4th of July with Jerry. Sam begs Alexis to help her get in to see Jason, but there’s nothing Alexis can do. After a fight with Amelia, Sam’s perfect day is capped off with a run-in with Jerry. Carly warns Jerry not to try to use her to wire money.

SHUT UP, CARLY. I kind of want Jerry to kill her.

Hey, um, random Night Shift nurses? I hope someone told you that none of us cares about you.

Eli is already ten times less annoying than Noah.

Hey, Georgie got to do something! And that’ll probably be the last we see of her for two months or so.

July 6th, 2007

Carly threatens to go public with the panic-room kidnapping if Ric doesn’t let her go to Pentonville. Ric won’t budge, so Carly tries to enlist Elizabeth to help. Thinking she already knows, Elizabeth almost spills to Carly that Jason is Jake’s father. Noah and Patrick fight over who should operate on Eli, who doesn’t want surgery anyway. Lulu tells Dillon she’s dating Logan just to make him leave town. Dillon doesn’t believe her but decides to go anyway. Tracy busts out of Shadybrook (Laura wig and all) to stop him. Amelia tells Sonny that Sam saw Maureen take Jake. Ric investigates Logan and learns that he was dishonorably discharged from the military. Shockingly, Kate decides to stay in Port Charles.

Carly should know better. She should have just played along and pretended she knew what Elizabeth was talking about. Now Elizabeth will never tell her and she’ll have to figure it out herself.

Speaking of Carly, funny how whenever she faces off with Ric, she always brings up the panic room. Also, why shouldn’t he just let her go see Jason? It’s not going to affect anything. He’s just being a jerk for the sake of being a jerk. Oh, wait...I forgot who I was talking about. Never mind.

Eli’s Australian? I couldn’t even tell until he called Patrick “mate.” Rick Springfield is Australian and his American accent is better than his Australian accent!

Carly insults Elizabeth, Lucky, and Sam, then takes something from the penthouse that she claims will help Jason. Eli refuses to have surgery since it will keep him from performing in a show to benefit pediatric AIDS. Patrick’s brilliant solution is to have Noah perform as Eli. Ric uses Logan’s discharge to get him to find evidence to put Sonny in prison as Sonny tells Coop to find out what evidence Ric has against Jason so they can make it disappear. Ric later assigns Coop to Alcazar’s murder case. Tracy finally gives in and lets Dillon go to L.A.

Um, Carly? Do you ever wonder why you don’t have any friends? Because I think I might have an explanation.

Ooh, Eli won over Robin and Patrick without even knowing it. Also, does Robin ever get to do anything with patients? Why is Patrick always in charge of cases?

‘Bye, Dillon! Enjoy becoming sane!

Best scene of the episode: Sonny giving Logan orders...and flipping through Couture at the same time. Hee!

July 10th, 2007

Carly uses Jason and Brenda’s marriage certificate to pose as Brenda and get into Pentonville to see Jason. Jason is ticked that Carly isn’t trying to stay away from Jerry. Noah broaches the subject of taking Eli’s place with Eli himself. Eli tries to leave the hospital and winds up having some sort of episode. Logan and Coop are both assigned to meet one of Sonny’s shipments. Elizabeth is a jerk to everyone (especially Lucky and Lainey). Robin takes her side in the Jason-saved-Jake-and-then-got-arrested situation. Logan wants to take Lulu to a club, so Maxie gets herself and Coop on the guest list as well. Amelia tries to keep control over Sam.

Um, why would Jason hold onto the certificate from his marriage to Brenda? They were married for about five hate-filled minutes almost five years ago. This is what we call a plot hole, boys and girls. Also, I’m kind of amazed Carly could pose as Brenda without breaking into hives.

Speaking of hate-filled, man, do I hate Elizabeth.

Okay, can Noah just sing already? Because I’m really bored. I hope Anna adds a lot more excitement to this on Friday.

Yeah, I bet Jason was able to smuggle in a picture of Elizabeth and Jake without anyone noticing. Whatever, writers.

July 11th, 2007

Carly thinks Alexis is jealous of her because she’s been spending time with Jerry. Ric warns Alexis to stay away from Jerry, but she thinks he’s the last person to be judging another’s mental health. Later, Alexis gets caught in the middle of a really stupid Carly/Jerry water fight. Robin and Patrick are busted for performing surgery on a man with no insurance. Sonny’s shipment arrives and Logan faces off with Coop, Cruz, and some other cops. Coop fires the first shot and a gun battle occurs, ending with Coop possibly shooting Logan. Ric taunts Sonny by showing him the digital recorder containing the evidence against Jason. Inspired by Dillon and Georgie, Skye wants a new start. How fitting that Edward and Monica are sad because the house is quiet and there’s no one left to inherit ELQ. Sonny rehires Max (yay!). Stan tries to organize a horrible date for Lainey, but it turns out to be right up her alley.

Oh, Coop. Ric said bust the people on Sonny’s payroll, not shoot them! Oh, wait. I totally forgot that I don’t care. Silly me!

Speaking of Ric, FREAKING IDIOT. Does he want Sonny to steal the evidence? Even if he didn’t have Coop on the inside, he’d find a way to get the recorder. Ric so needs to give Alexis her job back.

I bet five blenders that Skye tries to go back to ELQ and move back into the mansion. Oh, and why was she having a heart-to-heart with Georgie of all people? And can it be Georgie’s junior year already so she’ll just leave the country?

July 12th, 2007

Carly accuses Alexis of having a crush on Jerry. Sam warns Alexis not to get involved with a psychopath. Alexis has car trouble and Jerry saves her. Spinelli wants to be tougher, so he and Georgie play with firearms. Logan disappears but Lulu later finds him in his apartment. He tries to get her to leave but she realizes that he was shot in the arm during the face-off. Sonny warns Carly to keep Michael and Morgan away from Jerry or he’ll send them to the island and kill Jerry. Bernie may have a crush on Diane. Stan isn’t sure if he should ask Lainey out again.

Heeeeee. Sam gave Alexis one of Jason’s jackets. Told you those were the only things in that closet!

If only Georgie had asked Spinelli, “Is that a gun in your pants or are you just happy to see me?”

I love Diane. I hope this Diane/Bernie thing doesn’t end up being stupid.

Nope, still don’t care about Logan. Get out while you can, Lulu.

July 13th, 2007

Anna pops up in Robin and Patrick’s apartment, all excited about Eli’s concert. Robin breaks it to her that he probably won’t be performing. She visits Eli, acting like a groupie, and decides to make Noah over into a rock star. Elizabeth poses as a detective (using Lucky’s badge) to see Jason at Pentonville. Lucky finds out and asks her if she’s in love with Jason. Diane warns Jason not to let Elizabeth distract him. After realizing that Alexis really does seem to have a crush on Jerry, Sam summons him and warns him to stay away from her mother. He agrees to do so if she sleeps with him. Carly arrives in time to see him trying to kiss her. Amelia finds out that Kate is really Connie and shares the news with Sonny, who warns her to stay away from Kate. Lulu, Maxie, and Coop tend to Logan.

Yay, Anna! Let’s hope she gets more to do than poor Robert. (Speaking of which...where the heck did he end up?)

In case you really want the answer, Lucky, yes, Elizabeth is in love with Jason, but she’s going to tell you she’s not. Because she’s already been lying to you for a year, so what’s one more lie?

Logan’s injury was definitely not that high up. But I guess if they had it be where the blood actually was, it would mess up his stupid tattoo.

Little does Jerry know how many men in Port Charles have slept with both mother and daughter...and that he would actually be the third man to bed both Alexis and Sam.

Next week: Sam threatens to spill about Jake’s paternity, Tracy and Scott finally agree on something, and my long-overdue, long-hoped-for break from Carly is still not forthcoming.

July 17th, 2007

Carly promises to ally with Jerry if he can clear Jason’s name. Anna teaches Noah how to be a rock star. Sonny and Kate bond over making sacrifices and being alone. Amelia and Nikolas share a car ride and she recaps the Sam situation for his benefit. Elizabeth and Lucky are a family or something. Blah, blah, Lulu, Logan, blah.

God bless you, Anna. You’re making up for so much of the junk that’s happening right now.

Hey, it’s Nikolas! I was wondering when someone was going to let him know he could come home. But who the heck cares if he knows everything about Amelia’s dastardly plans? Like he said himself, he and Sam aren’t even close. I don’t think they’ve even talked to each other since the hostage situation back in February...and come to think of it, I don’t think they even talked then.

If Logan’s not going to die, I don’t really care about anything he has to say.

Um, ditto Elizabeth, come to think of it.

July 17th, 2007

Kate saves Alexis and Sonny’s disastrous meeting with the head of the school Alexis wants Kristina to attend. Anna convinces Eli to have surgery. Nikolas tells Carly that Jerry tried to kill him in Russia, but Jax saved him. Sam gets approved to go see Jason. More blah, blah, Lulu, Logan, blah.

Can we please, please, please have more scenes like the Alexis/Sonny/Kate(/Bernie/Diane/Milo) scenes we had today? Those were awesome.

So Jax, Jerry, and Nikolas were all in Russia, but no one mentioned it for a month, and Nikolas is just now getting back? This is so stupid.

What is Sam planning on telling Jason? He already knows that she saw Maureen take Jake - and Amelia knows because she was there when he found out. I think Amelia needs a brain transplant. And then a good killing off.

Get a hobby, Maxie.

July 18th, 2007

Sam and Jason finally use their words, and then she breaks up with him. She threatens to tell Lucky about Jake’s paternity, but Jason counters that if she does, he’ll tell the police she was an accessory to Jake’s kidnapping. Carly and Alexis debate working together to find out where Jax is. Elizabeth overcomes her fears by going back to the park. Tracy and Scott find Lulu with Logan, and Tracy and the Quartermaines try to forbid Lulu from seeing her sudden new love. That works about as well as you’d expect. Ric gives Logan the name of an informant to pass on to Sonny so he’ll think Logan is loyal.

Maybe Elizabeth should just avoid the park altogether, considering all the bad things that have happened to her there.

Dang, when did Sam turn into such a brat? Tell the police, Jason!

So all of a sudden Lulu is head over heels for Logan? What’s up with her?

If Carly and Alexis team up, I might be okay with Carly again. Might. Well, I’ll work on it at least.

July 19th, 2007

Sam tells Lucky that Elizabeth has been lying to him and is in love with Jason. Instead of getting jealous, Lucky arranges for Elizabeth to be able to visit Jason whenever she wants. Spinelli messes with Jason’s money, then poses as a lawyer to visit him at Pentonville. An old platoon mate of Logan and Coop’s wants Logan dead. Kate wants Sonny to take a seat on the board for the Museum of Modern Art.

I finally got my Carly-free day! And yet it was still boring.

July 20th, 2007

Patrick worries that Noah will drink while pretending to be Eli. As Elizabeth worries that Sam will tell Lucky the truth about Jake’s paternity, Lucky stops by the penthouse and asks Sam if Jason is in love with Elizabeth. Kate accidentally takes some type of Viagra-like pill, then makes out with Sonny. Carly sneaks into Jerry’s room to find information on Jax’s whereabouts. Alexis and Jerry arrive and Alexis tries to keep Jerry from seeing Carly. Cody attacks Logan.

I’m seriously waiting for Anna to throw her underwear at “Eli.” I wouldn’t be suprised at all.

Wow. Kate took...wow. The writers are twisted.

So wait. Let me make sure I have this right. I’m supposed to care if this Cody dude kills Logan? I don’t understand. Can someone explain to me how that’s possible?

Did anyone else catch that Jason screwed up telling what was on the digital recorder? He said it was of him saying Alcazar’s name, not the other way around. Nice catch, director.

Next week: more Jason/trial stuff, more Eli stuff, and maybe Cody will put us out of our misery.

July 23rd, 2007

Kate and Sonny get very friendly, and later she’s relieved to be able to blame her passion on Warren’s pills. Anna helps Noah keep up the charade that he’s a drinker. She’s also totally a teenaged groupie. Alexis has Jerry over for dinner in an attempt to get his clothes off so she and Carly can get updates on Jax from his PDA. It doesn’t work, and Ric is less than thrilled to catch them together. Sam tells Lucky that nothing fishy is going on between Jason and Elizabeth, but he’s still not certain. Logan won’t tell Lulu what happened with him and Cody in Iraq.

I never thought I’d say this, but...more Alexis and Carly, please.

Poor Jason. He’s in prison and people still come and bug him with their personal problems. He should beg to be put in solitary confinement.

I care about Cody about as little as I care about Logan, so altogether I care about that storyline zero percent.

Lucky, get out of that relationship NOW.

July 24th, 2007

Carly is thrilled to hear about Sam and Jason’s breakup and takes it upon herself to make sure Sam moves everything out of the penthouse. Sam retaliates by smacking her. Monica and Edward try to keep Lulu in the house, but she blackmails Alice to let her out so she can talk to Logan about the war. Tracy tries to get Scott and Nikolas to keep Lulu away from Logan. Alan feels himself fading. Sam and Nikolas wonder if Elizabeth will go after Jason now that he’s single. Maxie is happy to tell Cody all about Lulu.

BORING. Also, sounds like the writers are Democrats.

July 25th, 2007

Ric subpoenas Elizabeth and Sam to testify against Jason. Jason tells Diane that Ric knows that he and Elizabeth slept together, and that Elizabeth was present when he received the call from Sonny telling him to go kill Alcazar. Diane wants to use Jake to distract Ric from talk of the phone call, but Jason refuses, even if it means he’ll go to prison. Coop warns Maxie to stay away from Cody and Logan. Maxie actually listens and tells Logan their deal is off because he doesn’t deserve Lulu. Logan thinks he does. Carly wants Sonny to break Jason out of lockup. Nikolas wants Lulu to be careful with Logan. Milo tells Sonny that Kate has gone back to Manhattan.

You know, I don’t think I would ever get into a physical fight with Sam. She did kill a guy, after all.

Why would Ric subpoena Elizabeth? I mean other than to just be a jerk. She has no info about Alcazar’s murder. This is all contrived to get her on the stand so the news could come out about Jake. Whatever.

Hey, Sonny? Instead of threatening Logan, why don’t you send Coop to destroy the evidence against Jason, since his trial is starting soon and all? Speaking of Coop, I like him and all, but Jason Gerhardt is not a good actor and it’s really distracting. Can they do something about that?

Someone. Anyone. I will pay you $2,000 to make Amelia go away. (Disclaimer: that $2,000 may be in Monopoly money. I ain’t rich, yo.)

July 26th, 2007

As Jason is transferred back to the PCPD, men in masks emerge from a car and start shooting. Jason tries to shield Amelia (whom Ric has convinced to film the trial) and spots a free gun. Elizabeth asks Sam not to testify against Jason. Robin asks Noah if he and Anna are sleeping together. Sonny wants to discuss his and Kate’s future. Carly catches Kelly and Jerry together.

The second that cop started basically telling Jason his life story, I knew he was a goner. It’s like in war movies where the guy who starts talking about his girlfriend back hom gets blown up, or where the cop who talks about being about to retire gets shot.

Dang it, Jason! That was our chance to get rid of Amelia! Why did you have to save her?

Hey, it’s Emily! She’s so much less annoying when she’s...you know, never around.

Funny that Kelly was originally brought on as a possible love interest for Jax, and now she’s hitting the sheets with Jerry.

Writers, please stop trying to shove the student nurses down our throats. Either we’re watching Night Shift or not, and if not, we don’t care about those characters. I promise.

July 27th, 2007

The shooters’ IDs show that they’re Venezuelan, leading everyone to believe that they were getting revenge on Jason for killing Alcazar. Diane tries to have the trial moved to Manhattan, but the judge only agrees to close the courtroom to the public. Sam decides to testify against Jason. Amelia tells Jason she’ll use her show to keep him out of prison. Carly accuses Jerry of setting up the shooting and threatens to turn him in to the police. He uses a gun to convince her to change her mind. Robin and Patrick freak out over the thought of their parents having sex with each other.

Even with all that shooting, today’s show was kind of boring. Also, shut up Elizabeth.

ScorecardDead: that cop who jinxed himself by talking about his family and vacation
Totally doing it: Kate Howard and Sonny Corinthos; Kelly Lee and Jerry Jacks

July 30th, 2007

Ric subpoenas footage of the PCPD shooting and plays it in court so the jury can see how Jason works. Sam testifies for the prosecution but Diane is able to rehabilitate her testimony, partly by decimating her character. Ric subpoenas Kate, since she was with Sonny when he called Jason to kill Alcazar. Carly tries to hire Alexis to petition the court to let her into the trial. Bobbie (who?) warns Patrick that posing as Eli is risky for Noah. A fan buys a drink for “Eli” and he winds up having to take a sip. Logan learns that Coop warned Lulu about him and beats him up.

What’s the point of sequestering the witnesses if they can watch the trial on a closed-circuit feed? SO STUPID. Elizabeth shouldn’t be allowed to testify after that.

I love Diane. That is all.

Lulu threatening to call the cops on Logan cracked me up. Apparently she’s already forgotten that Coop is a cop. (In fact, Coop could have Logan arrested for assaulting a police officer. Do it, Coop!)

I was so excited when Robin and Patrick finally got a plot. Little did I know how boring it would turn out to be for them.

July 31st, 2007

Ric offers Jason a plea bargain (which will send him to prison for 20 years), threatening to grill Elizabeth on the stand if he doesn’t sign it. Spinelli worries that the truth will come out about Jake’s paternity, which Ric has already figured out. Jax is being held hostage by a Russian woman who hates Jerry. Jerry is furious that the person he had tailing Jax has lost him. Logan thinks Coop likes Lulu.

Jax! Is kind of hot when he’s all scruffy.

Man, I wanted to see Ric’s reaction when he found out that Jason is Jake’s father! He’s also a lot smarter than I thought.

Jax is being held hostage by a Russian woman who hates Jerry? Hmmm, I wonder who that could be?