Thursday, January 12, 2006

Celebrity Babby-Daddy Wannabe

Angelina Jolie is pregnant and it bodes well for the species that the two most attractive people on the planet are both fertile. Obviously AJ wanted see how bad childbirth hurts and Brad just happened to be hanging around to help out with his part. I wish them both lots of happiness and hope their kids grow up with happy, normal, well adjusted lives. That’ll happen.

Other than that, I don’t think the news affects me personally very much. What’s done is done. Sure I posted a long fawning blog entry declaring her the hottest woman ever, but I admire her more as a Platonic Ideal than a real person. If she doesn’t want to share genetic material with me, I can live with that. I have a long history of famous celebrities neglecting to consider me for fatherhood when they begin the family planning process.

AJ was not my first obsession with a celebrity. Women that are talented and smart are very sexy. I wanted to go to Yale just because Jodi Foster went there. I thought how cool it would be to just meet her casually as a fellow student. Then all of a sudden, trying to impress Jodi Foster became very uncool. Considering how respectful I was of her privacy, I was disappointed when Jodi decided to become a single mom and I was not even on the long list of potential dads.

I tried to redirect my affections to Brooke Shields and Princeton, but neither had quite the same cachet. I suspect they let her in just to stay in the running for the Ivy League school with the most Former Child Actors From R-Rated Movies as alumnae. And that lowered my opinion of both of them. And Brooke's career has never been quite as stellar as Jodi's. I think I made the right choice there.

Much later I developed an infatuation with Melissa Etheridge and her music. She was the opening act for the Eagles on their Hell Freezes Over Tour and my seats were right in the middle of a huge group that must have been charter members of the MEIN. That was when I realized I was not a good fit for Melissa Etheridge for a long term relationship, but it hurt when she chose David Crosby over me as the sperm donor for her first wife.

Now that she is with her second wife, Tammy, I want to make sure she keeps her options open. I don’t hold grudges. And for the record I would never wish any form of cancer on anyone ever, but if not for the Big C we never would of known how hot Melissa Etheridge is totally bald.

Overall, I try to keep my expectations realistic and understand that most gorgeous, intelligent, talented celebrities with loudly ticking baby-clocks don’t travel in the same circles as I do.

But I just can’t help thinking that now that Natalie Portman is out of Harvard, she might want to settle down and start a family. With or without me.

14 comments:

You know, people used to always point out Jodie Foster's probable lesbianosity when I would express my longstanding celebrity crush on her (and let's not even talk about the girls from Sleater-Kinney). My theory is, since none of them would have chosen to have sex with me if they were straight, why should the fact that they like girls change anything about my fantasies?

Two of the best looking "real people" I know - she looks like Jessica Lang, he looks like Paul Newman - got married and had a child. I always think, that must be one spectacular looking kid. But she's not, at least not so far. Or maybe it's just that I'm expecting too much. You're right about B&A's baby - the poor kid...

I dunno...I have nothing against lusting after the impossible—it is all fantasy, after all—but I'm not going to waste space on my "laminated card" for them. As the New York State Lottery ads used to say, "Hey, you never know."

Which, now that I think about it, goes in multiple directions. Back when Whitney Houston's second album came out, I was working in a record store (they still sold records then, although that was a rapidly dwindling part of the stock). We hung up a poster that was essentially a blowup of the album cover. I'd catch myself gazing at that many a time, even though the guy who put in the display told me that she'd been involved in some Sapphic activity. Ah, well.

That "Whitney was a lesbo" rumor never really panned out. I thought the whole Bobby Brown/Whitney marriage sniffed of "beard" for her and image rehab for him. Their marriage is too much of a train wreck to be just a cover.