Why We Should Learn To Be Happy On Our Own

I’ve just finished watching a hilarious movie called ‘How to Be Single’ with Rebel Wilson & Dakota Johnson. Rebel stole the show as she always does, and despite the story being light hearted and entertaining it got me thinking.

When my second serious boyfriend let me just after University, I was devastated and hit an all time low. I didn’t go out, I stopped exercising, I lost a ton of weight, I couldn’t find happiness in anything I did anymore. I couldn’t stand the thought of being by myself, I hated my own company.

So I decided, to avoid being by myself, I would make myself super busy. I threw myself into my 9-5, then took on two extra jobs as a tutor and at my local radio station. My days would start at 7am and end around midnight. I would make sure all my weekends were fully booked months in advance so I always had plans, and suddenly, I felt a million times better.

I realised the key to my happiness was to always be busy, that way I wouldn’t have the time (or the energy) to think about my ex and the fact he had torn my heart out. As time went by, I thought about him less and less until eventually, I didn’t think about him anymore – my plan had worked.

I adopted the same method to pretty much all my breakups ever since until earlier on this year. After my last relationship ended this summer I realised that I had just kept filling my time between the various men I dated with pointless activities and events. It was exhausting and deep down I knew it wasn’t the right mindset to be in. I still hated the thought of having to stay in by myself on a Friday night –it would fill me with dread. Moving to London made me realise this had to change.

This city is full of fiercely independent people who eat alone, travel alone, visit the cinema/galleries/exhibitions alone. I suddenly felt compelled to learn to stand on my own two feet and find happiness within myself. I realised I didn’t need a guy – or all the activities and friends in between them – to make me happy, I could be perfectly happy by myself.

As soon as I put this realisation into practice, I felt like a new woman. I could do whatever I wanted, when I wanted. If I couldn’t find a friend to watch a movie with, I’d go to the cinema by myself. If I felt really tired on a Saturday night, I could stay in and eat takeaway by myself (however lame that sounds). I was in charge of my own happiness, not my friends or any men I dated.

That shift in the root of my happiness impacted my current relationship. When I met my current partner, I didn’t seek out happiness from him, I was already happy within myself when I met him – he’s just an added bonus to my happiness!

So I challenge you, my fellow readers, to think: are you in charge of your own happiness? And if not, what can you do in order to feel happy on your own?

81 Comments

I did the same. I went through a pretty rough breakup and I just threw myself into work and never really gave myself a minute to think about what happened. But now I realize I was depending on other things to fill that void.

Thank you for sharing! I think we throw ourselves into work/other things to bury our heads in the sand and not address how we feel/what happened – I’m positive you are able to feel just as happy if not more so by yourself 🙂

Good for you sister – great read. I agree, it wasn’t until I was ready and happy within myself and,actually by then, in my thirties with a series of utter disarrrsters behind me that I found the long-suffering bearded one! ☺️

I agree so completely with this post! Love it!
Also, I totally get what you mean by people here being fiercely independent and sort of motivating you to do the same. Even small things such as sitting at a cafe eating a meal on my own wasn’t something I was comfortable doing before I moved to London!

I like this post a lot. When I was at uni, I did a very similar thing to you in that I was in charge of my own happiness and it worked. These days, it seems harder though. I am a lot more restricted and I have other people to consider (my family). It’s not easy.

Thank you for posting this. As an almost 50 year old single woman that was married for 23 years, I have had to learn to do things by myself. It has been hard as I am in a small town and people just tend to do everything in groups or pairs. I am getting better and better at doing things by myself and it is great. Maybe I will find someone to share this thing called life with, maybe I won’t but it won’t affect my happiness anymore. I might still get lonely and crave the physicality of a relationship from time to time but I am finally learning to be me/

Well done you 🙂 that is great news! I am glad that you are able to stand on your own two feet. I’m sure it will get easier over time and that there is someone out there for you! But in the mean time, enjoy being a happy independent woman!! 🙂

Congratulations on your step to being happy on an independent basis. I know of some people who can’t bear to be alone so rush from one bad relationship to another. I read a few books over the years that talk about how you can truly love or accept another until you love and accept yourself. I’m a big believer in that. On the flip side I feel like London can make us too isolated. I’m trying to work on being more open and connected to others 🙂

Exactly – the most important thing is to love yourself first before you try and love anyone else. There is definitely a fine line in London that can make you feel isolated. Thank you for sharing your thoughts 🙂

Glad to know you have fallen in love with yourself…No love is greater than that…Moment you love yourself you love everything and everyone around you. The more you love yourself the more you love others too…..

Glad to have found you through Tikeetha’s blog. Just wanted to leave the same comment here: I see this all the time. People rarely want to self-reflect and get to the root of their issues. They’d rather fill it with “stuff” and then when the stuff is gone, the issues are still there. This was a great post and I’m so glad you were brave enough to face yourself, so to speak.

Yes, please do. Great time, music, people, atmosphere. But get there early as it fills up quickly. I used to know the door man and he would always let myself and my friends in but I doubt he’s still there. The Hippodrome is fun too, nearby, for dancing after the Porcupine closes. 😛

I’m definitely in charge of my own happiness! I find that people gravitate towards me and try to suffocate me. I relocated to the west coast to get away from people and negativity. I don’t mind doing things with people but prefer to do it on my own.

Im living that right now. I haven’t dated since November 2015! Since then I’ve been living life through things that keep me happy, such as music, fitness, shopping, church, volunteering, and work. I got rid of my Facebook, because there were too many reminders of my ex; including our mutuals. I’ve been in a bubble since that break-up, but best believe I’m happier than i was in the relationship.

That’s great to hear 🙂 So many people never let themselves reach the point of being happy by themselves, but once you do, you put yourself in the perfect position to find the right person and to make a relationship work 🙂

Another great article and testimony. I have also spent a lot of time alone, and I often go to the cinema and out to eat alone, so I could relate a lot to the article even though I’m a guy. I think being happy with who you are is important, and your boyfriend was probably attracted to you because you were happy with who you are as a person. Thanks again for sharing. A good read.

Love your article finding happiness within yourself is key! If you keep depending on others for your happiness this is where mind control begins! Self esteem I believe is wrapped up with your happiness , finding yourself , creating habits, and positive thinking. Once u have these things you will be set!

I’m definitely in charge of my own happiness, it was a hard thing to realize at first because I wanted others to fix everything for me. But once I took control it made a huge difference. Great post, definitely got me thinking!

I just wrote a post today about finding independence for the first time and how liberating it feels when you don’t define your life by marriage or partnership alone. …so freeing! Bravo Giulia and thanks for sharing the like-minded spirit!

“When I met my current partner, I didn’t seek out happiness from him, I was already happy within myself when I met him.” That’s very wise. And I dare suggest that maybe you were attracted to each other because you were happy in yourselves.