John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Do recurring dreams about someone who died represent unresolved grief? (Published 1/1/2013)

Q:

My father died when I was just under five years of age. I am now 61 years old. I have had a recurring dream all of my life in which I am running towards my dad,(as I remember him), as he calls to me, but when I am almost to him the ground gives way and I begin a free fall and then awaken. When I awake I feel like crying and it is usually very hard for me to get back to sleep. I have this dream 4-6 times per year and usually when I am stressed about something. Is this unusual? Is it unresolved grief? I find it hard to talk about this to anyone I know.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note and questions.

No, it is not unusual to have recurring dreams over a lifetime. Many people do.

Since your dad died when you were so young, it makes sense that you would have a powerful relationship to the images in the dream, as they obviously represent a connection to him.

Also, we’d assume that since you were so young when he died, you have relatively few conscious memories and images of him, so again, it makes sense to have one recur, even in dream form.

Whether or not it represents unresolved grief is a question we can’t answer definitively.

And, it’s interesting and logical that the dream tends to surface when you’re feeling stressed. Since the dream itself could be be called stressful, it kind of shows how the feelings that surface in our dreams seem to mimic what’s happening in our waking life.

That said, there’s a very high probability that you have more than a little unresolved grief about the relationship with your father who you barely knew, and who was not there for most of your life.

We’d recommend that you get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook [available in most libraries and book stores]. As you take the actions it suggests, you may find that the dream may disappear or modify, as you remember other aspects of your relationship with your father.

We notice that you said you find it hard to talk about this with anyone. So we want to say thanks for trusting us with this – we know it has a lot of emotional meaning for you.

At Tributes.com we believe that Every Life has a Story that deserves to be told and preserved.

Tributes.com is the online source for current local and national obituary news and a supportive community where friends and family can come together during times of loss and grieving to honor the memories of their loved ones with lasting personal tributes.