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NHL Charges Goaltender for 3rd Intermission Zamboni Fuel

Vancouver, BC—Eleven seconds into overtime, the Boston Bruins goaltender, Tim Thomas, dove away from his crease, allowing the Canuck’s to score into an empty net and win game two of the Stanley Cup finals. As a result, the NHL and the Rogers Arena in Vancouver is charging the goaltender for all of the costs accrued to keep the building heated, lit, and the ice cleaned between the third period and the aforementioned eleven second overtime period.

“I had to fight throngs of Canadian types to get a hot dog, and then I didn’t even get back to my seat in time,” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. “We were looking for some overtime energy, some great plays, incredible feats, and what did we get? Bupkis, that’s what.”

“I got that ice all friggin’ shiny for what, eh?!” complained a Zamboni driver at Vancouver’s Rogers Arena. “That’s fifteen minutes of circling at low speeds that I’ll never get back, eh.”

The ‘eh’ is Canadian for ‘you know.’

According to the script, presented to the teams weeks ahead of time, one of those Sedin twins was supposed to score on a breakaway in double overtime. This dramatic conclusion was completely derailed by the goaltender’s near immediate flub.

“It was the finals,” said Bettman, “And it was a Saturday night game. A lot of thought went into the choreography for this event, so I don’t have any sympathy for that bozo. He can pay the damned bill, and for my hot dog!”

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. View all posts by Mick Zano →