The Beginner's Guide To Sharing Fantasies Through Dirty Talk

We all talk dirty in our heads. Here's how to actually verbalize what you're thinking.

Ever want to talk dirty to your partner but aren't sure how to do it? Are you shy and don't know the words to use that won't offend them, or make you feel silly? Or maybe you're thinking about the sexy things in your head that you want to do to your partner and you would love to say them out loud, but you don't have a clue how to begin to verbalize them.

If you're thinking sexy thoughts, you can make the transition to talking "dirty" in bed, if you're curious about what that might be like. Trying it a few times, you may realize that it brings an erotic energy into your lovemaking that you didn't know you had.

Some people aren't very verbal in bed because they prefer to enjoy the moment and internally comment on the experience.

"This is awesome, wow she's great," or "He's doing this perfectly ... yeah, baby!” are all examples of internal dirty talk. Most people do it, and lots of people let it slip out occasionally. Want to know what to say if you're considering making those internal thoughts part of your actual lovemaking?

Then you are ready to start verbalizing those hot fantasies out loud. Even if you've tried in the past and failed, or gone too far, you don;t have to worry that some things are better left unsaid if you follow my suggestions.

Dirty talk can be a hot and connecting thing to do in bed. The idea is to crank up the erotic energy and bring you closer together. And you want to end up feeling a little bit embarrassed afterward: That's the goal.

The reality is we talk the least about sex with the person we are actually having sex with.

Talking about sex, particularly during sex, can be hard for most couples. But for most women, desire starts in the mind—the largest erogenous zone of the body, and talking is the single best way for women to get turned on. The best way to fire up arousal is to start gradually, even with a reluctant partner. Talking about sex teases a woman along through ascending levels of arousal, leading to feelings of sexual desire in her body.

Start with appreciation. A man could say, "I love the curves of your body. Your skin is so soft." Or if you're a woman talking to a man, tell him how hot you think he is. "You are so hard and strong; it turns me on so much."

Then, move on to what you want more of.

"That feels so good, do that…" Or, "I love that you're pulling my hair, do it harder." When you whisper into someone's ear what they are already doing well, tell them you want more of "that" (whatever "that" is). It will make them want to keep going and turn them on.

When the heat between you is turned up, it's time to tell them something you'd like to try.

You can say things like "I can't wait to feel you even closer to me," or "I'd love to lick your neck right now." Telling your partner what you are going to do can send them through the roof once they're already turned on. If your partner is a little reluctant to talk dirty, keep the talking at a gradual pace. Talking about sex during sex is something that some people find new, and they may feel awkward at first.

If you are just starting out, the secret is to whisper in your partner's ear. You don't have to make eye contact; just let them know "This is what I'm going to do to you…" Starting slow and measuring their reaction by how responsive they become will help you to judge their comfort level.

You don't have to use "bad" words or swearing to get your point across. And don't worry if they seem surprised at first. Talking dirty is supposed to be a little shocking. That's the fun of it.

Dr. Tammy Nelson is a sex and relationship expert and the author of The New Monogamy as well as Getting the Sex You Want. She speaks internationally on global, relational change. She can be found at www.drtammynelson.com.