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I admittedly don’t understand the majority of red carpet choices, especially in the current era of Plunging Necklines Without Necklaces. My interest in clothing ends right about the time the Titanic sank.

That being said, would someone please explain to me why Christina Hendricks, who is a stunningly beautiful and talented actress, keeps showing up to red carpets wearing these dreadful strapless gowns that make her breasts look like basketballs?

Actually, you know what, why are strapless gowns a thing? They flatter approximately six of the three billion women in the world, and when those six women wear them they can’t raise their arms, scratch, sneeze, or do anything for fear their breasts will go flying out of their containers. The rest of us look either monumentally flat-chested, or as though our breasts are about to riot.

That’s four emmy’s dresses where the bodice looks like an afterthought tacked on at 5 in the morning by a terrified intern drunk on wine coolers. That green thing? is gorgeous! If I had a skirt like that I would wear it every day, and swan around the city introducing myself as Queen Frostine of the Merpeople, here to bless their meaningless lives with my Magical, Sparkly Presence. So I’m actually a little angry at that stupid, stupid seashell top thing. This could be a spectacular gown, if somebody had bothered to say “you know what’s fucking stupid? Strapless gowns.” It looks unfinished. It looks half-done. It looks fucking sloppy.

I think this is part of the larger trend of red carpet fashion for women to look done up, but not too done up. Like sure, I’m wearing a $17,000 gown encrusted with the crystallized tears of virgin water pixies, but I’m not wearing it on purpose. I just fell out of bed and into this custom-fitted gown. And these $6,400 shoes. And this $5,000 gold bangle that is my only piece of decoration because too much jewelry is vulgar or something, and of course the hundreds of dollars and countless hours of hair and makeup just so I can look as fresh-faced and “natural” as no one ever looks without hundreds of dollars of makeup.

It’s such a strange reversal. When fabric and jewelry were mostly hand-made and therefore expensive, the wealthy decked themselves in as much finery as they could carry and the rest of us dressed much more simply. Now jewelry and accessories are mass-produced, and we can finally start wearing a bunch of them without breaking the bank, but we shouldn’t. Because one accessory is enough, apparently. Anything else is vulgar.

I kind of love pirates. A few years ago, you may recall, pirates got SUPER DUPER popular when this one movie came out and apparently made a lot of people really rich and famous? I’m not good with numbers. Anyway, for a long time you couldn’t turn around without bumping into some dude who was wearing an eyepatch and babbling about your booty. I had a minor fit of hipster pique and stopped doing the pirate thing for a while, but since Steampunk has pretty much replaced piracy as the Everpresent Pop Culture Item Of The Moment, I’ve come back to the fold. So. In a transparent quest for page views, let’s look at pictures of movie pirates!

You guys. I just. Can we talk about corsets? Specifically, can we talk about the difference in corset styles? “Well wait a minute, biscuit,” you may be saying, “a corset is just a corset, right?” Frankly I don’t know why you’re reading this post if that’s what you think, unless you’re my mom*, because how much interest would you have in browsing the “corsetry” tag? But I’ll answer anyway: NO, a corset is not “just a corset.”

I used to think the opposite. Many many years ago I had a conversation, which I shudder to recall, with a friend of mine who was saving to have a new bodice commissioned for the ren fest where we both performed. We were having this conversation while she was wearing a perfectly lovely bodice, and I was so confused. “Girl, why do you need a new bodice?” I asked. “This one is super pretty and looks really nice on you.” “Thank you,” she said, “but it’s a Victorian silhouette, and not period at all.” “Who cares?” I replied with a wave of my childish, ignorant hand. “It’s all the same.”

Dragon*Con 2012 has come and gone. I got home yesterday about 6:00, took a shower, got into bed to decompress with kitties, cereal, and video games, and fell asleep before I could manage to brush my teeth, take my clothes off, or even finish the level. I don’t even remember what level I was playing, nor if I saved before I cut it off. I feel like I got hit by a bus full of geeks, booze, and glitter.

When I said that the first time, my friend Elisabeth immediately responded “So you got run over by Priscilla, Queen of the Desert?” And…yes, basically.

Anyway, you’re not interested in my lingering hangover, Gentle Readers; you want to know about costumes! So let’s talk about costumes.

I had ambitious plans this year. As I mentioned very briefly, two of my three planned costumes fell through. Which two? The Gryffindor Pirate and the Southern Oracle. The only two I blogged about. Naturally. But we moved this summer, and I started temping, and also I must spend a great portion of each day sleeping lest I lose my phenomenal cosmic powers. So. I didn’t get those done. MY BAD.

I did, however, finish The Secret Project, and I whipped up a last-minute costume, so let’s talk about that!

The Secret Project was a group of Post-Apocalyptic Avengers. Popular characters inserted into other genres (Steampunk Scooby Doo, Renaissance DC Heroes and Villians, whatever else) has become fairly popular in the last years, and my friend Daniel, of Journey into Awesome, came up with the idea shortly during the 2011 con. Ten of us got together and worked on it for several months:

I picked the Scarlet Witch after a quick googling of “Avengers members,” and after a lot of me trying to convince him to do The Vision, mr. biscuit picked Spiderman. I also whipped up a Loki head-on-stick, because it just felt right. The two of us (mr. biscuit and I, not Loki and I) angsted and worried and argued quite a bit, but in the end we got it done, and I’m pretty stoked at how these costumes turned out, especially as part of the whole.

The fake blood was surprisingly tasty and remained gloopy and fresh-looking for several hours, but was super itchy.

I only wore this for a few hours, due to not feeling super great, so I only have the one picture, but the people who got it were pretty enthusiastic about it. I was also pretty pleased; I think this will go in the Emergency Costume Stash*. It was, again, very last minute, but since most of my wardrobe is purple, it was pretty easy. Dress is My Favorite Dress. Crinoline, horn, eyepatch, foot, and gloves from Costumes, Etc. Tights I already had, from…something, I don’t know. I told you most of my wardrobe is purple. They are We Love Colors. Shoes are Chucks. Wings are from Eddie’s Trick Shop. Bloomers were from a ren fest court gown many years ago (fun fact: I was playing Anne Boleyn pre-queen years. They have a big heart that says “Henry” on the butt). I did some fun stuff with makeup, but didn’t get any real pictures of it. Blood is Mehron stage blood, and again, it remained fresh-looking for hours.

I also don’t have a lot of Avengers pictures yet. They’re trickling in, and we have a photoshoot on the 23rd, so I’ll post more when I get them. In the meantime, here’s what I have. A post about the construction will follow, because it’s getting looong. For now, pictures!

RESCU
A non-profit organization established to promote and maintain the health and medical well-being of the participants of Renaissance Faires, historical performances and other artistic events through financial assistance, advocacy, education and preventative