April 13, 2009

Its not much that I can’t laugh at given I am in the laughing mood. Yesterday it was people being jacked for their chicken. Today its this lovely young lady pictured below

This may not be the most flattering photo of this young lady considering right about now she is getting a dose of truth and honesty. Have a seat and let me explain to you what happened.

According to the clip I watched on YouTube and the many news stories I have read online, she wanted to visit the cute little gonna eat your asshole out polar bear because apparently its famous at that particular zoo. So she got dressed that particular day, went to the zoo, waited until feeding time because she heard that’s when polar bears are their cuddliest and jumped in to pet the friendly bear. Don’t get me wrong, if this is the custom in Berlin forgive my ignorance to that fact. Where I come from there are no polar bears but common sense leads me to believe that I should stay away from them, especially during feeding time. I’m starting to wonder if certain survival instincts miss certain groups of people. :: shrugs :: Well, anyway as you can see she got nom nom nom’d on by the cute friendly famous polar bear and had to be rescued from the enclosure.

But you know I can’t just leave it right there. Aren’t you wondering what the polar bears are thinking? Don’t you care about how they feel? I do. You know in this situation the media is making the polar bears out to be the bad guys. On GMA this morning I heard someone say something like “were questioning whether the zoo has secured the enclosures properly to protect the general public”. OH REALLY? That’s interesting. That sounds to me like joining the military, going to war, getting shot and then questioning whether the military has done enough to ensure my safety while at battle. That’s like being upset after finding out the coffee I get from McDonald’s is actually hot and might burn me if spilled on me.

April 12, 2009

So just a couple of posts ago, you got to read about my chicken frustration. A few people commented and shared the same frustration. But then this morning I was going through my google reader and stumbled upon a story out of Jacksonville, FLORIDA.

Everybody knows that if there is general coonery going on in the U.S that most of it originates from Florida. Here is the latest:

According to police, a young mother was leaving her shift after closing the Popeye’s restaurant in Arlington on Atlantic Boulevard when she noticed she was being followed home.

Authorities said four men drove by several times in a burgundy Pontiac sedan yelling, “give us the chicken,” at the woman and her boyfriend.The couple ignored the men and continued walking back to their house, thinking the group was gone. However, the men in the car then started driving slowly toward the couple and turned off their headlights.Police said one of the passengers got out of the car with a shotgun and yelled, “You know what time it is. Give it up.” They said the man ordered the victim to put down the chicken, saying if she didn’t she would be shot.

:: blink blink::

So um *scratches head* yea I understand that times are hard. But its getting that bad in dem streets that you gotta jack folks up for their chicken? With GUNS!?

I mean don’t get me wrong, Cocoa been high enough to wanna shank a few folks for some pop-tarts, toaster strudel and Twinkies but to actually rob somebody of their Popeye’s is madness. Is the sun too bright in Florida? Are there not enough programs for the youth? Or is that cajun recipe so mawfukkin good that even if they are closed it makes you want to shoot a mf for it?

April 6, 2009

My mind seems to never rest. From the kids to work to my online shenanigans to family, etc. it just continues even in my sleep. I woke up laughing this morning because of a dream I had last night.

It went a little like this:

My grandfather picked me up in a white passenger van along with a couple of other people one of which was my cousin Angel. We were going to pick up her mother from some station. I am assuming it was a train station. When we get there, I see a sign that says “smuggled diamonds on sale” just then my phone rings. Its SLAUS. Slaus first words are “what are we going to do with her?” I’m a bit confused. I ask him to explain. He goes on to tell me that MZLIZZA had a dude smuggle diamonds in the country for her and all she did for him was cook him a meal. Slaus was both pissed and concerned saying “she ain’t give up no ass, no sloppy top, no nothing” That’s when I read the sign again and sure enough it advertised smuggled in diamonds, and MZLIZZA not giving up the booty in return. It was like Slaus and I was in charge of the woman who don’t put out department. Just when I was going to respond to him my aunt came out to get in the van and I was going to tell slaus that I had to call him back. My phone died.

Later on in the van, I am having a discussion with my cousin. We are sharing 58 opportunities. In my world, opportunities are customers that I sell stuff too. If I upgrade you or activate a new line of service for you or anything of that sort then its considered an opportunity. Well my cousin was a little salty because she wanted all of them for herself. I can understand that. When you are a commissioned sales rep, its generally every man for himself, but in this case, she couldn’t handle the job so I had to help. I was glad to do it because that would help me meet one of my many quotas for the month. She was talking shit so we got out of the van to continue the conversation. That’s when a very drunk URBANLEDJEN stumbles by, burps and keeps going.

We end up at a dinner spot still talking about these ops. I would have NEVER carried a discussion or disagreement this long in real life *shrugs*

At dinner, I’m getting text messages from my mom but she thinks she is texting this guy she met on line who was really me. A joke I was playing on someone else backfired and now my mom is pressing me (the dude) to meet. How sick is that?

After the meal I go to throw my tray away and notice outside the window (in this cafeteria style spot) that there is a lot of freaky sneaky going on outside. Being the snitch that I am, I notify one of the staffers on duty. They go outside and break it up. The offenders end up coming inside all rowdy talking shit. The dudes were demanding certain girls go with them. It was all good until they decided that my cousin was going to be chosen. I raise up in protest and dude flashes a gun at me. That’s when I reached inside my Dooney (& Burke handbag) and pull out stella. I calmly explain “aye slick, all that bullshit you got going on is not going to involve my cousin”. He stands there. I fire a warning shot that whizzes past his head. He puts the gun down. His friend is upset at whats happening and screams “yo why you ain’t shoot that bitch?!” That’s when he had to take one to the chest. After that my gun jammed (which it NEVER EVER DOES) I correct the situation and shot three more of his crew. (they weren’t threatening anybody but at that point I figured 1. I was going to jail anyway might as well rid of world of a few fuck ups, 2. I love the sound of gun fire, 3. It was fun)

There were sirens after that and the officers swarmed in. The one that was coming at me gun to my face pissed like I had just took him away from a mean bowl of cap’n crunch with crunch berries, was my internet crush. I woke up to my alarm on my phone telling me it was time to get up and get ready to pick massa’s cotton today.