From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Former CIA contractor Edward Snowden who fled to Russia with information about the USA's world wide spying organisation (known as Disney Incorporated), claims he has evidence that US intelligence services 'botched' a fake attempt on the life of U.S. president John.F.Kennedy in Dallas 50 years ago.

On the anniversary of Kennedy's death in 1963, Snowden alleges the CIA staged an assassination attempt on the US President to start a World War against the Soviet Union. He dismisses other rumours that Kennedy was deliberately killed on the orders of the CIA, FBI and the Klu Klux Klan. Snowden says the original plan was to have the CIA to arrange some drifters to fire guns supplied by them which couldn't shoot a barn door from five paces. Kennedy would survive and the intention was to blame Russia and perhaps China too.

Claiming he had the relevant documents on a secret hard drive, Snowden said this fake assassination plot had gone tragically wrong when the CIA confused the paper work with a similar plot to kill Cuba's leader Fidel Castro with an exploding cigar. Lee Harvey Oswald was hired to kill Castro - Oswald's years spent in the Soviet Union and with a Russian born wife as the perfect cover - by becoming a close friend and getting close to the inner circle. However in a classic example of how the security services can screw up big time, Oswald found himself overlooking Dealey Plaza in the Dallas Book Depositry with his sniper rifle.

"I know it is amazing story, " admitted Snowden, "but it is true. Oswald was contracted to shoot Castro or give him an exploding cigar but instead got involved in a CIA job to scare Kennedy into a a nuclear war with Russia. Everything was in place - including making sure the car roof was down so that Kennedy could be clearly seen in the car as he was driven around Dallas. The two drifters were there also to make their 'fake' shooting but as we know, Oswald shot Kennedy before they did. Whether Oswald knew what he was doing or was thinking this was a CIA training program to see if he had the courage to fire a gun at a world leader, is now not known. Now we know why after the shooting - Oswald realised it wasn't part of his training and tried to get away. This time the CIA got it right and had Oswald shot before he could say anything of substance."

Snowden added that there were stories that Kennedy was also in on the plot to 'kill him' to boost his poll ratings. However the idea that any President would happily rely on a mismanaged assassination organised by his security services is a far fetched conspiracy theory.