, he's telling you to do things. Nothing dirty - sorry, Mom - he just wants you to carry out various tasks for him. We read in a magazine somewhere that chicks like you to order them around and stuff. We think it was in

Swank

or something. Looking at the track listing for his new

Twang

album, released Tuesday, he won't be telling us off or ordering us around. There seems to be plenty of Tex-Mex and Cajun juices flowing, but no marching orders. Here are the Ten Commandments of the Lord of Country Music, Mr. Strait. As the kids say, his pimp hand is strong.

"Write This Down":

She walked out the door (again) and he doesn't want her to forget what she's missing (again). We're not sure if this works, unless you want her to write down what a tool you are, but maybe we will give it shot someday.

"Let's Fall To Pieces Together":

Why be sad alone, when you can throw a sexy pity party with someone else. Two drunks meet in a bar and convene for, what we can only hope and pray, some sexual country healing.

"Lead On":

The protagonist picks up a chick in romantic tatters in a bar and basically tells her "Yeah, I have been a bastard before just like him and I regret it." The country lass counters with "come to my house." Just like Strait's character in "The Fireman," he puts out this flame quickly and filthily.

"You're Dancing This Dance All Wrong":

He's moving on with another girl, but she just isn't hitting all the bases, so to speak. Which, he emphasizes quite clearly, isn't so bad. "A new partner's touch to an old partner's song / I'm getting the feeling as we dance along."

"Someone Had To Teach You":

Oh, he'll take you back alright. But he's going to ask some questions first, and give you some real talk: "Someone had to teach you things it's time that you knew / Now maybe you'll be satisfied with me." Something tells us that would make for some awkward post reunion-sex pillow talk.

"Don't Make Me Come Over There and Love You":

Damn man, talk about being direct. The lyrical content of this is more R. Kelly than "King of Country." We can dig it though. It's animalistic.

"Check Yes or No":

Even as a little kid in third grade, he had the force. A simple phrase like "Do you love me, do you wanna be my friend?" scrawled on a piece of paper in math class is smooth as hell. If only that worked when you got older. It would also make divorces easy as pie.

"Make Her Fall in Love With Me Song":

He wants the band at the bar to play a cycle of songs that will pretty much get him laid: "A Dancer, a Holder-Hander, or Honky-Tonker, Pull-Her-Up-Closer, Get-Next-to-Her, Sweet-Enough-to-Kiss-Her, Just-a-Little-Softer-So-She-Can-Hear-Me-Whisper, Slow Romancer, Make Her Fall in Love with Me Song." We really need to start going to country bars, because it seems like all you need is music to get down over there. Screw this New Order on the jukebox garbage.

"Let's Get Down To It":

After listening to this, we can honestly say we would've not trusted old-school Strait with our mother, grandmother, girlfriend, sister, cousin, aunt or fourth-grade teacher. This is the kind of song, along with the entire ZZ Top catalog, that is responsible for a good amount of conceptions from 1988 on. Wait - our little brother was born in 1989. Gross!

"Run":

All weird sexual innuendo aside, "Run" makes chicks swoon. Strait wants her by his side, distance and time be damned. The man may be filthy on the dance floor and at the beer hall, but at the end of the day, he just wants you by his side. Send this song to your lady when she's about to come home from a long trip and thank Rocks Off later. After you shower and stuff.