Creating Real Marriages that Last

In today’s episode of Creating Real Marriagesthat Last, Darrel and I discuss how to spiritually lead your children. I often say that children “catch” what you say much more often than they listen to what you actually tell them. You can’t teach them to become someone you’re not. You must be the example to your children. My dad taught Sunday School for over 40 years. Week after week, I watched him sit in his chair with his Bible in one hand and Sunday School quarterly in the other as he prepared to teach the lesson. That’s where I learned to love God’s Word. I saw that he was captivated by the Word and that made me want to study it too. You influence your children more than you realize.

When people find out I’ve been the pastor of Brentwood Baptist Church for 24 years, they want to know how I’ve stayed at the same church for so long. In reality, I haven’t been at the SAME church all of this time. I’ve had the privilege of being the pastor of 4 or 5 churches, all at the same address. Present day Brentwood Baptist Church is a much different church than the one I came to in August of 1991. I’m sure the members of the church would tell you I’m a much different pastor than the one who came as a 35-year-old, know-it-all punk 24 years ago. (The church has been very gracious to me.)

You know what? The same is true when you talk about my marriage to Jeannie. Jeannie and I have been married for 35 years. Yes, I’ve been married to the same person for all of this time. And yet, the Jeannie I’m married to now is very different than the girl I fell in love with so long ago. If I had to try and explain the difference, here’s what I would tell you, “She’s still Jeannie…only more so.”

I’ve watched her grow more and more comfortable in her own skin. She has embraced what it means to be “Jeannie.” She knows she’s good at some things and not good at other things. She’s learned to spend more time working in areas she’s good at and letting the rest go. For instance, she takes care of the insurance issues in our family. She has the determination to keep calling and calling to finally get the answer she’s looking for. Me? I’d just give up. She takes care of our home. I take care of the cars.

I watched her change when she became the mother of two boys. She found a power and a determination I’d never seen in her before. Seemingly overnight, she developed “Mommy radar” where she could read what was going on with our sons from across the room. Her intuition about them was uncanny.

She never thought she was funny. I think she’s hilarious. She has a quirky way of looking at the world that makes me laugh so hard I choke on my coffee. Now, she celebrates her sense of humor.

Day in and day out, I’ve had a front row seat to one of the most intriguing, captivating, and amazing miracles in all of the world—Jeannie fully becoming Jeannie. Here’s the good news in all of that—she’s showing no signs of slowing down. She continues to discover things about herself, try new things, and grab hold of new adventures. This story doesn’t seem to have an ending.

People do change. One of the great gifts of a committed marriage is finding a safe place to try different things. If you fail, so what? You’ll still be loved. And if you succeed? Well, if you succeed, we all win.

When people ask me how they can know if they’re really in love, here’s my answer, “Are you your best self when you’re with the other person?” True love unfolds and expands like the blooming of a flower. False love causes your life to shrivel. True love always makes you more. False love makes you less.

I find myself falling in love with Jeannie again and again. Being with her is fascinating. And this adventure called love never ends.

Now that I’ve been doing what I do for as long as I have, people want to know about things that have surprised me. Well, that’s a hard one because I’m surprised every day by something. Every day I see something I never thought I would see. I’ve seen a human being walk on the moon and then, I watched as we got bored with going to the moon. Think about that. People got bored hearing about people going to the moon. The evening news doesn’t even cover it anymore.

But what has surprised me the most is how big of an impact little things make. Little things left unattended can add up to a big pile of trouble.

Take marriage for instance. Most marriages don’t fail because of an affair or some drastic, unforgiveable act. Most of the time love is frozen under layers and layers of anger that has built up over the years as small things have not been addressed.

A “thank you” goes unspoken, and a wife feels taken for granted.

An “I’m sorry” isn’t said, and a husband feels ignored.

None of these issues are insurmountable or even difficult to overcome in and of themselves. But, when thrown into a pile with all of the other unresolved issues, you have a big pile of pain before you know it. You can deal with this pile one incident at a time. It’s possible, but it takes a long time.

The other way is to recognize the power of each moment, no matter how small, and use each moment as an opportunity to bring your marriage closer together. Small kindnesses and gentle words are little knots that hold the whole thing together. Just like small things can add up to big problems, little acts of love add up to a very rich and satisfying marriage.

The truth is, it works both ways. Little things add up, and we get to choose whether they add up to something beautiful or painful.

In this episode of Creating Real Marriages that Last, Darrel and I discuss the reality of having to become a parent to your parents. Recently, I moved my mom closer to where I live. To say I moved her is an understatement; I drug her to Nashville. I don’t think she’s forgiven me yet. She may never forgive me. It’s been a challenging transition for the both of us. But I hear often that I’m not the only one going through this.

About Me

I met Jesus for the first time when I was about seven years old. I kept meeting Jesus throughout my life. These became the most significant and impactful times of my life. It’s why I went to seminary. It’s why I love the local church. I love to tell people about who Jesus is, what He has done for me, and what He can do in the lives of other people.

I became the senior pastor of Brentwood Baptist Church in 1991. Just over ten years ago, I was part of starting Kairos, a ministry focused on young adults. When talking about Kairos, I still laugh about when I was asked to help start it. I told the young adults I would help them get Kairos started, but that I couldn’t do it all of the time. Ten years later, I am still the primary teacher of Kairos.