Make the affair is unpleasant an experience as you can.. if you out him to family and all of his friends and make it a known fact that you have forgiven him and invite him to work on the marriage he will get a nasty reputation and the only way to save it is to end the affair and come home... otherwise he's the town creep

A much better way to set this up is thru a keylogger, that she has on her computer and she KNOWS is on her computer, as part of her transparency agreement. You don't want to put yourself in the role of "daily traffic cop," because it doesn't build ATTRACTION. It makes you the dad/cop/authority figure, and last time I checked, chicks didn't fantasize about their dads.

It's the same with online accounts. You don't want to set it up where the formerly-wayward spouse says "Here, you can sit with me and we can look at my Facebook and Yahoo account anytime you want to." Cuz then you have to ASK, you're right back in that role of traffic cop, and lather-rinse-repeat. Instead, you want them to just give you all their usernames and passwords, so YOU can check them, anytime you want to, without even having to tell them or ask them.

You seem to still be walking on eggshells around you wife and she senses it. You can't decide on what to do because it appears you don't want to upset her and yet she gets upset anyway.

Start leading let her know what the plan is. "I am going to pickup Chinese on the way home for dinner. What would you like? Then I am heading to the grocery, is there anything you need? I can imagine you don't feel well after your dentist visit today. How can I help you?" Now if she needs or wants something it's up to her to bring it up. You were thoughtful of her and a man with a plan.

Let him SQUIRM... Honestly, exposing his affair and inviting him to work on the marriage is a powerful hit on him... It will terrorize him for months...

Serving him with D papers right now accomplishes nothing.

And yes he is a coward.. all cheating people, particularly the OP who hides in shadows and attacks your home covertly are cowardly beyond belief. I particularly criticize the OP... they are homewreckers... They are no better than an arsonist setting fire to your home while you sleep... They belong in jail.

File? Now?

That won't help you at all. SO why do it?

Just go live a healthy life for yourself.. that's the best medicine for you right now.

Much of the discomfort you are feeling right now HE is feeling as well..

Exposure puts HIM in the same spot as you... public, awkward, embarrassing, stressful, frustrating...

When you kept his activities secret HE got to carry on and not have to deal with any pressure.. it was all on YOUR shoulders...

NOW its on both of you... HIM moreso since he's the one who looks like an a$$ to everyone he has to interact with... And he very likely HATES it...

Keep the pressure on through third parties while YOU keep your distance from him and work on getting healthy and making yourself and your home more inviting a place to return to...

The pressure to END the affair is TEN TIMES as important right now as you working on improving the home... Keep the exposure going... follow up... Make sure any LIES your H has spread are dealt with immediately... He WILL lie to anyone you exposed to.

He will :

a. Deny the affairb. Tell people you are crazyc. Tell people YOU are cheatingd. Tell people you are on medication and aren't taking it regularly

he will spin a long song and dance about how horrible a wife YOU are and that's why "HE" chose to move out...

You asked him NOT to contact you and less than 24 hours later he's doing it... Textbook

The more he contacts you and the more he chatters the more uncomfortable he is. This is GOOD.

Even if friends and family SHUT HIM OUT that's fine... IF they are willing to just say "I am not comfortable talking with you right now... go sort your marriage out" that's great...

Him gettin shut out socially and humiliated is pretty heavy... And it doesn't take a lot of work from friends and family to just tell him "No, I am not comfortable speaking with you while you are having an affair... goodbye"

That's all they have to do.. It woudl be great if they did more, but as long as they aren't letting him IN and SYMPATHIZING with him then you are good to go...

Once he realizes he's burning all his bridges, his workplace is after him, his money is going up in smoke, and you have a lawyer after him he will fold and offer you a deal...

Always reject the first offer.

Anything he offers you, ignore it until he offers it to the third party.

If he keeps harassing you over phone and email have your third party give him a written warning.

She "felt" invisible, talking wouldn't matter, you won't change, you'll just try to fix her....you don't see things from her perspective. She already detached, she was tired of trying, she lost her attraction, she needed to walk because she felt unloved. The pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving.

You need to get ahead of her on the detachment curve. Face your brutal reality. If you don't change she just validates how much pain you cause her when she sees you. Make yourself attractive to her, quit thinking about her, be your own man.

I am still very stuck regarding how to integrate our possible reconciliation with the single life I built for myself. This isn't a case where the wayward spouse returns to the marriage before the betrayed spouse moves on. I did move on. I built a life for myself, and I like it. Now I feel like I'm living two lives.

Good, then you can be patient and wait for true remorse, the kind that passes an acid test.

Wisdom. ^

Slow and eaaaasssy, Future. Her words are CHEAP at this point. Only her ACTIONS -- OVER TIME -- are what you should weigh.