Saturday, February 16, 2008

It’s Saturday…one of those no-rhyme-or-reason days. I thought I’d let you know who really wins the socialist/capitalist argument in the hereafter so you can begin deciding now. Who knows, it could even affect your voting choice.

You will observe that should you pass through life dedicating your time to lobbying, the only way you’re going is down.

However, when you arrive, guess what? You do get to choose your political philosophy and affiliation. Life may not be fair, but it turns out that death is…

A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell and was told that he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell. Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell. There, outside the door was Rockefeller, looking bored. “What’s it like in there?”, asked Dave. “Well, he replied, “in Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives.”

“That’s terrible!!”, gasped Dave. “I’m going to check out Communist Hell!” He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in. The line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon

Back in the days of the Soviet Union shortages were an everyday thing. Lines would form even on the rumor of a supply being available.

In one bread line waited a war veteran who constantly grumbled to the guy next to him about how slow the queue was moving.

Finally, reaching the end of his patience, the veteran pulled a huge pistol out from under his coat and announced that he was going to go shoot the prime minister. After instructing the guy next to him to hold his place, he stomped off towards the government offices.

About two hours later the same veteran comes strolling down the sidewalk and resumes his place in line. His companion waits for five or ten minutes and then finally cannot take the suspense any longer and asks the veteran, "Well ... well, did you shoot the prime minister?"

The following joke is the finest example of Soviet satellite state dark humor that I have ever heard.

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During a trip to Moscow, Ronald Reagan dropped in to visit with Leonid Brezhnev. As Reagan arrived at Brezhnev’s office a young man dressed in white workman’s overalls exited carrying a small toolbox. Reagan entered, only to find Brezhnev furiously scribbling down notes while totally absorbed in an ongoing telephone conversation. His breath caught when he noticed the phone on Brezhnev’s desk. He had never seen a telephone like it anywhere. Into its computerized console ran every conceivable type of cable and interconnection he had ever seen, from coax and optical fibers to ribbon cables and dipole antenna wire. It looked like something from a futuristic science fiction movie

After getting Brezhnev’s attention the Soviet premier cupped his palm across the handset’s mouthpiece and told Reagan, “Hold on for a while, I just got this incredible new telephone installed that lets me talk with Marx, Lenin and Stalin. They’re all giving me vital insights into how I should run the USSR. Reagan thought for a second and then excused himself saying that he needed to wash his hands and would be right back. Brezhnev nodded and returned to the telephone conversation with his mentors.

Reagan dashed down the hall and managed to catch up with the technician just as he was stepping into an elevator. “How much does it cost Brezhnev to operate a telephone like that?” he inquired. “Oh, about twenty or thirty dollars a month.” replied the installation serviceman. “Tell you what, I’ll pay you $10,000 to wire one up in my office.” said Reagan. The technician agreed and they shook hands on the deal.

The technician gets flown back to America on Air Force One and proceeds to install an identical phone in the Oval Office. Reagan can barely contain himself as he listens in on all the strategy sessions being delivered by Marx, Lenin and Stalin. At month’s end, Reagan finally gets his first telephone bill and is astounded to see that it amounts to over $50,000 worth of charges. Outraged, he flies back to Moscow, tracks down the installation technician and demands an explanation.

“You told me that Brezhnev pays only twenty or thirty dollars per month to operate his phone. Just look at this bill I got sent. It’s for more than $50,000!” exclaimed Reagan. The technician calmly eyed Reagan and told him, “You don’t get it do you? Marx, Lenin and Stalin are all dead.” “So? What of it and how does that explain my bill?” asked Reagan. The technician sighed and said, “All three of them are roasting in eternal Hell. You’re long distance. Moscow gets the local rates.”