It is often said that one’s emotional age is not always the same as their chronological age. And this can be known through how one feels and seen through certain behaviours and reactions that people have. One may even try to deny that they haven’t grown up and justly their behaviour in some way. Here, one could say that they don’t want to grow up or that life is all about having fun for example. On the other side of this can be people who are very much aware of how old they feel. These people don’t want to justify or rationalise how they are; they just want to grow up. There can also be people who are not aware of being emotionally stuck and simply because it is the only thing they know. It is normal and feels familiar to them. And this can lead to all kinds of pain and suffering.Three Options In the first example, it’s as if they have no awareness of their emotional age and therefore see life as having two options. Either they stay where they are or they grow up and experience life as being all about responsibility, hard work or obligations for instance. For the second person, they can see that the option above is not the only one available. And while they want to grow up, they know that life can not only include responsibilities and hard work, but also moments of adult play and fulfilment. The third person is unlikely to enjoy the experience that they are having. But based on their perception of life and themselves, it may appear as the only way life can be experienced.Areas Of Life However, regardless of what ones position is of their emotional age, this is something that can affect every area of one’s life. And some of the important ones are: self image, career, relationships, finances and mental and emotional health.It’s Normal There are a number of ways that one can come to the conclusion that they are emotionally stuck. One may come to this conclusion through: reading, being around someone who is emotionally developed or through a general awareness that one has not grown up. But, these insights are often hard to come by and this can be the result of emotional undevelopment being so pervasive in today’s world. It is often through comparison that people come to see if: how they feel or what they are doing is right or wrong or good or bad. And then there are people who will not only look to others, but who will also look within themselves to decide if they are on the right track or are doing the right thing or not. So, if one were to look to other people for feedback on whether they are emotional undeveloped for example, in most cases they are unlikely to have a functional model to compare themselves with. That is unless they happen to have a certain role model, friend or family member who is emotionally developed.Influences There are many influences here and some of the primary ones are: family, friends, teachers, the media and popular culture. It is through these sources that one’s emotional development can be set and whether or not one feels they are undeveloped or not. And based on what these sources are often like, unless one generally questions life or has the drive to grow, it will be normal for one to stay in a regressed state. As the media and popular culture generally don’t encourage emotional development. In most cases, what they promote or idealise, is the result of emotional undevelopment. It is through these role models and what the media focuses on, that one can come to the conclusion that how they feel is normal or how life is.The Main Influence However, the primary influence in whether one is emotionally developed or undeveloped is the childhood years. What happened during these years will play a massive role in ones emotionally health. Now, for some people, their emotional development can be slightly off and for others, there can be the feeling of being extremely undeveloped. This can depend on the quality of nurturing that one received and whether one experienced any kind of trauma.Empathic And Unempathic Care And whether one had a caregiver that was primary emphatic or unempathic will often be the defining factor. An empathic caregiver is one who is generally emotional available and in tune with the Childs needs. Whereas the unempathic caregiver is one who is generally emotionally unavailable and out of tune with the Childs needs. From the moment one is born, they will have certain mental and emotional needs. And these will have to be met at the right time, or else it will create problems later in life. If they are met, it will allow one to go onto the next stage of their development. But if they are not, met it can disable one from going onto the next stage of their development. There physical body may change, but their emotional body can stay the same. Life Goes On And while one can feel emotionally stuck at these times when their needs were not met, life carries on going and doesn’t stop just because one has emotionally stopped growing. This will inevitably lead to problems and to the creation of pain and suffering. Even though life has continued, at an emotional level, one can feel as though they have never left those moments of being a child. And this means that how they felt at those times, when their needs were not met, can be how they will feel as an adult.Examples Through regressing to this early time or just by merging with their emotions, one can feel: rejected, abandoned, lost, empty, powerless, needy, desperate, hopeless, helpless, worthless, vulnerable, overly sensitive and many others. And this can then influence how one views other people and themselves, the kind of people that one is attracted to and attracts and how one sees life itself.Frozen In Time The emotional pain that was experience as a child has remained in the body; it has been frozen or trapped there. And this means that in most cases, these emotional needs will not be able to be met as an adult. As they relate to childhood needs and wants, it will mean that they will just have to be released and let go. And this is something that can take place through the assistance of a therapist or a healer. By feeling the feelings, they will begin to disappear and allow one to feel emotionally like an adult.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.

I am pleased to hear you have been assisted by this article. If there is anything else I can do, please get in touch.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

Jane De Vries

3/6/2014 07:17:03 pm

I so much appreciate how you laid out the facts in a simple and clear way. I became aware of my stuckness a few years ago, but entered into the growth path in 1998. I am the example of desiring movement and change, not having any emotional needs met through mom, or dad, and pain and suffering. I've been extremely motivated to grow beyond, have made huge strides;, obtained valuable ways to relate through boundaries, vigilent in dismissing codependency, and trying to be responsible. I've been to many therapists, and through reading and media, knowing I needed more, I'm seeing a therapist that utilizes EMDR. Even though I have'nt seen her for very long, she is a dynamic person, extreme relational skills, and is above proactive! This life experience is like a bad dream. Feeling helpless, leads to hopelessness at times. Our EMDR work is also a process, and the little I've experienced has given me snippets of empowerment. My relationship with God seems to have suffered, not able to understand His acknowledgement of my pain and lack. It's very discouraging to say the least.

I am pleased to hear that this article has made a difference. It sounds like you have been through a lot and so it is important that you are getting the right support.

If there is anything else that I can do, feel free to get in touch.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

linda mcdonald-brown

14/9/2015 05:39:51 pm

I never knew what was wrong with me until I saw the right sort of counsellor who told me I was stuck. I then started to research and came across your article which is so easy to read and clearly shows this is my problem. At the moment despite getting help, I feel worse than I ever did, partly because I have split from my husband who was as cold as I was needy, never a good combination. I am having huge problems living my life now emotionally even though emotionally he was the worse person for me. The pain I go through every day is unbearable and I suffer from everything you mention in the article, at the moment I don't see light at the end of the tunnel. But thank you for your words, it does bring clarity to what I feel.

I sounds as though you could do with being supported at this time in your life. I hope you get the support you need and don't suffer in silence.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

Didi

28/5/2016 08:34:50 am

Hello Oliver
I have seen a therapist for several years now about this issue.Im 26yrs old cannot move out of home and do things independently.I dont know what to do I try my hardest and really want to be more mature as when I feel a change I feel so much better but it just never stays only for a couple of minutes
this is starting to drive me crazy as ive asked helped everywhere and nothinh seems to work.Im surely not in denial about myself I do want to change.
What should I do?

So it sounds as though the approach you have been taking has not worked.

What could assist you is the coaching that I offer. For more info, please got to the coaching page or contact me personally.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

Lana

13/7/2017 06:21:25 am

My Myers-Briggs personality is the Healer and I keep dating men who are emotionally stuck at certain ages or have an emotional disability. Either insecure, or afraid of life and commitment, overly-sensitive with their feelings but unempathetic to mine, depressed, hopeless, helpless. Men who cannot take decisions. Men who are not over relationships they had years ago. Men who at 30 have to consult with their mothers for every single action that they take. After 4 long-term relationships with such men, I am NEVER going to date an emotionally stuck man. I cannot change them, nobody can. They need to change themselves and the process is too long and painful to bear and I am the one who gets hurt in the process, while they walk away better men!

Reply

Barbara

12/11/2017 08:57:20 pm

Is this something that a new therapist would find difficult to help her client with