Think about it, you
could say "Have a Merry Christmas and a gruntled New Year" or
"Gruntled Birthday to you!"

(GEORGE LOOKS AT HIM
LIKE HE'S LOST HIS MIND)

(KRAMER BURSTS IN)

JERRY

Kramer, is gruntled a
word?

KRAMER (GRINNING WITH
ARM/HAND GESTURE)

Oh, I'm gruntled!

JERRY

What's up with Newman?

KRAMER

He's just mad because I
won't let him in the commercial. He can't act!

JERRY

Commercial? What
commercial?

KRAMER

I'm watching this
psychic network show the other night and they claimed to be right forty percent
of the time. So I got the idea for this.

(KRAMER REACHES INTO
POCKET, PULLS OUT A COIN AND TOSSES IT TO JERRY.)

JERRY

What is it?

KRAMER

It's the Psychic Buddy.

JERRY

A half-dollar with
"yes" on one side and "no" on the other?

KRAMER

Yeah, I've got them
beat, it's right fifty percent of the time. Need an answer? Just flip it.

JERRY (GESTURING WITH
THE COIN)

You know, half the time,
this thing's a hundred percent right.

(KRAMER'S "BLOWN
AWAY" LOOK)

KRAMER (POINTING AT THE
COIN)

Yeah!

JERRY

Why would anybody buy
this? I mean, reach into your pocket, pull out a coin.It's called heads or
tails???

KRAMER

You don't understand,
Jerry. I get these blessed by a Shaman high priest. That gives them their
psychic energy. They're loaded with psychic energy. I'm telling you Jerry,
people are gonna eat these up. You wait and see.

ACT 2

(SHOT OF OUTSIDE OF
MONK'S) (GEORGE AND JERRY WALK INTO MONK'S. KRAMER IS PAYING HIS BILL)

High mileage is not
necessarily a bad thing. This car's been around and knows the terrain. You're
pretty sure you'll always get where you want to go.

GEORGE

If it were me, I'd take
the Porsche. I have absolutely nothing exotic in my life. In fact even a
Volkswagen would be an improvement. Not that I'm ever gonna be faced with this
decision.

JERRY

Then there's Camille.

GEORGE

Camille!? I thought we
were only dealing with two women here.

JERRY

I met her at that club
on 82nd. A college girl. She's like a brand new model still sitting on the
lot. A real unknown. Beautiful to look at, but zero miles and you can only
guess at what she'll do.

GEORGE (SHAKING HEAD)

How do you meet these
women?

JERRY

That's the weird thing.
I'm at this party the other night and I see this gorgeous woman across the
room. I can't help it, I start walking towards her. And I'm thinking "what
am I going to say?". Then I get to her and I just blurted it out. Next
thing I know, we're talking and laughing and we might be going out Friday. It
worked on Karen and Camille too!

GEORGE

You're 3 for 3 with this
line?

JERRY

Yep. Batting a thousand
my friend.

GEORGE

All right! What's the
line?

JERRY

Can't tell you.

GEORGE

What do mean you can't
tell me.

JERRY

You don't understand
George. It's like the "What's your sign?" line or "Come here
often?". Some guy started it and at first it was great. Women loved it!
Then he told a friend and well, look what happened there. This is gold, baby.
I'm keeping it!

GEORGE (GETTING VERY
UPSET)

You've got a line that
works and you're not going to tell me? I need a line Jerry! I'm not sure we can
be friends anymore.

JERRY

All right, all right.
Get a hold of yourself man! I'll tell you, but you can't say it exactly like I
did. OK?

GEORGE

All right. What is it.

JERRY (LOOKING BACK AND
FORTH TO MAKE SURE NOBODY'S LISTENING. HE LEANS OVER AND WHISPERS TO GEORGE)

Would you mind if I just
stand here and flirt with you a few minutes.

GEORGE

No. Really.

(JERRY SPREADS ARMS OUT
AND LOOKS AT GEORGE)

GEORGE

The truth? You actually
told her the truth? I can't believe I didn't think of that.

Peterman got an offer to
sell out. He wants me to put together a presentation on why he shouldn't sell.
I've got to have it by Friday, Jerry! I can't go to the movie tonight.

JERRY

You can't go to the
movie!? We planned this days ago!

ELAINE (SADLY)

I know, but what can I
do?

CUT TO:

(SHOT OF STADIUM)
(GEORGE STICKS HIS HEAD IN STEINBRENNER'S OFFICE.)

GEORGE

You wanted to see me Mr.
Steinbrenner?

STEINBRENNER

Come on in George. You
know George, we won it all before and I think we can win it all again this
year. But to do that we've got to have the support of the players and the
fans. Since winning the series our boys have been covered up with fan mail.

GEORGE (GRINNING AND
NODDING)

Yes, I've seen those
stacks of mail. Big stacks, lots of mail.

STEINBRENNER

Now I want every bit of
this mail answered so we keep the support of the people.

GEORGE

Absolutely. Gotta keep
the masses happy.

STEINBRENNER

But the players can't
answer all that mail. They're on the road or practicing all the time. That's
why I want you to handle this, George. See to it that all of that mail gets a
personal answer.

GEORGE

I'll see if I can hire a
temp to come in and.

STEINBRENNER INTERRUPTS

No George! This is too
important to leave to someone else. I want you to handle this personally.
(GEORGE'S SQUINTS HIS EYES AND SAYS "WHAT?!", STEINBRENNER STILL
DRONING IN THE BACKGROUND.) George, we've got to keep the fans and the players
gruntled if we hope to repeat that success. We've got a lot of work to do but
I think... I'm counting on you George... You know I was really gruntled
after that 7th game. As gruntled as I've ever been..

(GEORGE RISES AND STARTS
BACKING TO THE DOOR WHILE STEINBRENNER IS STILL TALKING USING THE WORD GRUNTLED
OFF AND ON.)

GEORGE (MUMBLING TO
HIMSELF)

Gruntled. It's not a
word, I swear it's not a word.

(GEORGE SMILING AND
NODDING BACKS OUT THE DOOR WHILE STEINBRENNER IS STILL TALKING)

CUT TO:

(JERRY AND KAREN IN
JERRY'S APARTMENT)

JERRY

I'll be right back. In
case you're wondering, I don't have any cookies, so don't bother looking.

KAREN (SMILING)

Cake?

JERRY

No pastries
what-so-ever.

(JERRY GOES TO RESTROOM,
KRAMER BURSTS IN)

KRAMER

Hi. I'm uh Cosmo

KAREN

I'm Karen

KRAMER (SMILES AND
POINTS AT KAREN)

Karen, yeah! Volkswagen
girl!

KAREN

What?

KRAMER

Yeah, George was telling
me, you're like a Volkswagen. Dependable, reliable. You know, Jerry picked you
over a Porsche.

(JERRY COMES OUT OF THE
RESTROOM)

KAREN TO JERRY

So, I'm a Volkswagen

JERRY (ANGRY LOOK AT
KRAMER)

Uh, frankly I don't know
what you're talking about.

(KAREN GATHERS HER
THINGS)

JERRY

Wait! Where are you
going???

KAREN (STOPS AT DOOR)

Someplace where you'll
be far-from-noogin!

(KAREN WALKS OUT)

JERRY (WATCHING HER WALK
DOWN THE HALL)

Far-from-noogin, that's
a good one. (CLOSES DOOR AND TURNS ON KRAMER) Kramer, you stupid idiot, why did
you say anything???

KRAMER (CONFUSED)

I like Volkswagens..

(SHOT OF MAIL PEOPLE
BRINGING IN BAGS OF MAIL TO GEORGE'S OFFICE AND DUMPING THEM ON THE FLOOR.
GEORGE IS GETTING DISGRUNTLED. GEORGE SIGNS ANOTHER LETTER AND HIS PEN RUNS OUT
OF INK. HE ANGRILY THROWS IT INTO A TRASH CAN WITH MANY EMPTY PENS)

(CUT TO GEORGE WALKING
INTO THE SUPPLY ROOM. THERE IS A BEAUTIFUL GIRL THERE. GEORGE SHRUGS HIS
SHOULDERS AND WALKS OVER TO HER)

GEORGE

Would you mind if I just
stood here and complimented the way you look?

(THE GIRL LOOKS AT HIM
LIKE HE'S LOST HIS MIND. THE GIRL WALKS AWAY AND GEORGE SHAKES HIS HEAD.)

ACT 3

(ELAINE AND JERRY ARE IN
HIS APARTMENT, ELAINE IS AT JERRY'S TABLE TRYING TO WORK. KRAMER BURSTS IN AND
GRABS THE REMOTE)

KRAMER (EXCITED)

I'm out there now,
Jerry!

JERRY

What?

KRAMER

The commercial. It's on
next.

JERRY (SMILING)

Are you kidding? They're
actually playing it?

KRAMER

Oh, they're playing it.

(EVERYONE LOOKS AT THE
TV)

THE COMMERCIAL

(CHEERFUL MUSIC IN THE
BACKGROUND)

(KRAMER'S IN A VOTING
BOOTH LOOKING PUZZLED, STARING AT "REPUBLICAN" AND
"DEMOCRAT")

KRAMER'S VOICE IN THE
BACKGROUND

Need help making those
tough decisions?

CUT TO:

(KRAMER ON A CAR LOT
TRYING TO DECIDE BETWEEN A PORSCHE AND A VOLKSWAGEN)

My purse, I left it at
Jerry's! Look, I can pay you tomorrow, I just really need to get to my office
now.

INDIAN CAB DRIVER

What if I would have
said "I can take you there tomorrow"? Then the shoe would be on the
other hand.

ELAINE

Huh? (PAUSE) Look, just
take me back to where I was.

Indian cab driver: I
don't think so. I've seen that program before. You go back to where you were
and I never see you again.

ELAINE

No, no. (PAUSE) Look.
Just take me to a pay phone then.

CUT TO:

JERRY (ANSWERING THE
PHONE)

What?!?!? (PAUSE) You
don't need one! Just flip a coin! (PAUSE) We lied, there's no priest involved!
(PAUSE) It's not about money! I don't care if you'll pay twice as much (PAUSE)
Twice as much? (SHAKING HEAD) Would you pay three times as much? (PAUSE)

(JERRY STRETCHES OUT HIS
ARMS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF)

CUT TO:

ELAINE (AT PHONE BOOTH)

Come on Jerry! It can't
be busy all night. (BUSY SIGNAL)

CUT TO:

(KRAMER ON PHONE)

ELAINE (GETTING
FRUSTRATED)

Kramer!

CUT TO:

(ELAINE DIALING - PHONE
RINGS AND RINGS AND RINGS)

ELAINE

George, where are you!?

CUT TO:

(GEORGE ASLEEP ON HIS
DESK AT WORK) George!

CUT TO:

(TIFFANY AND FRIEND IN
BAR.)

FRIEND

Where you going,
Tiffany?

TIFFANY

I almost forgot. I'm not
sure if Jerry and I are going out tomorrow. I gotta call him.

CUT TO:

(JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY ANSWERS PHONE.)

JERRY

No this isn't the
Psychic Buddy hotline, it's the institute and you were expected back in your
cell a half hour ago.

CUT TO:

(TIFFANY GETTING BUSY
SIGNAL, STARING AT THE PHONE)

CUT TO:

(KRAMER ENTERING JERRY'S
APARTMENT, HEADS FOR KITCHEN CABINET)

KRAMER

Whad I tell ya! They
love the Psychic Buddy!

(KRAMER STARES AT TWO
BAGS OF CHIPS, PULLS OUT HIS PSYCHIC BUDDY, LOOKS AT IT, PUTS IT BACK IN HIS
POCKET AND GRABS BOTH BAGS.)

Yeah, I knew you'd call.
You stupid idiot! But my Psychic Buddy's telling me to hang up the phone right
now.

(QUICK CUT TO TIFFANY AT
BAR LISTENING TO JERRY ON THE PHONE SAYING)

Now, leave me alone!

(TIFFANY STARES BEWILDERED
AT THE PHONE.)

CUT TO:

(JERRY YANKS PHONE CORD
OUT OF WALL AND THROWS THE PHONE TO THE GROUND. WALKS TOWARD BEDROOM, WAVES OFF
PHONE.)

CUT TO:

(ELAINE ASLEEP IN THE
BACK OF THE CAB. DRIVER STARING AT THE METER, SMILING.)

CUT TO:

(SHOT OF GEORGE STILL
ASLEEP ON HIS DESK. HE REACHES BEHIND HIM, GRABS SEVERAL LETTERS AND PULLS THEM
ON HIS CHEST LIKE A BLANKET)

CUT TO:

(JERRY IN BED ON HIS
BACK , EYES CLOSED. HE HEARS KRAMER'S PHONE AND HIS EYES OPEN WIDE.)

JERRY MUMBLES

I wonder if his Psychic
Buddy can predict what I'm going to do to him in the morning.

(ANGRILY PUTS PILLOW
OVER HIS HEAD.)

DISSOLVE TO:

(THE NEXT MORNING.
KRAMER BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR OF JERRY'S APARTMENT LOOKING FRAZZLED. JERRY IS
STANDING IN THE KITCHEN. KRAMERS PHONE RINGING IN THE BACKGROUND.)

KRAMER (LOOKING THROUGH
THE DOOR AT HIS APARTMENT, NEARLY IN TEARS)

Make it stop, Jerry.
Make it stop!

JERRY YELLS

Unplug it Kramer.

KRAMER

I can't Jerry! What if
somebody's trying to get in touch with me???

(GEORGE WALKS IN)

GEORGE (DISGUSTED)

You two don't look very
gruntled.

(KRAMER STARES AT HIS
APARTMENT THROUGH JERRY'S DOORWAY AS HE HEARS HIS PHONE RINGING. THEN KRAMER
RUNS BACK INTO HIS APARTMENT TO GET THE PHONE)

JERRY

What's your problem?

GEORGE

Get this, Steinbrenner's
got me answering fan mail. Not only that, I'm getting nowhere with the
variations. It's not the truth that works! It's the line! You gotta let me use
the line!

(JERRY WAVING HAND)

No line!

GEORGE

You let me use the move!
Let me use the line!

JERRY

I draw the line at the
Line! You know, you're crossing the line by even asking for the line.

(TV IS ON BUT TURNED
DOWN. JERRY GLANCES AT THE SCREEN, GRABS THE REMOTE TO TURN UP VOLUME.)

JERRY

Isn't that Newman?

GEORGE

What's he doing at a
Mayor's press conference?

(ON TV)

MAYOR

.and it gives me great
pleasure to honor the Postal Service's Gruntled Employee of the year.

(NEWMAN GRINNING AT THE
CAMERA BENDING HEAD DOWN FOR MAYOR TO DRAPE MEDAL OVER HIS HEAD.)

(SHOT OF GEORGE DROPPING
AND SHAKING HIS HEAD, PAN TO JERRY STRESSED FROM LACK OF SLEEP, SHOT OF KRAMER
DEBATING ON WHETHER TO PICK UP RINGING PHONE, SHOT OF ELAINE WORKING THROUGH
PILES OF PAPERS IN CAB)

ENDING

(PETERMAN'S CONFERENCE
ROOM. PETERMAN IS AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE. ELAINE (FRAZZLED) BURSTS IN.)

ELAINE (SITTING AND
SPREADING OUT ALL HER PAPERS)

I got it! I spent all
night in a cab working, but I got it!

PETERMAN STANDS

There'll be no need for
that, Elaine. There's really only one way to decide.

(PETERMAN REACHES INTO
HIS POCKET AND PULLS SOMETHING OUT)

PETERMAN

Yes, my Psychic Buddy.
Blessed by a Shaman Priest. I'm reminded of the months I spent among the
Shaman. (LOOKS AT PSYCHIC BUDDY) Should I sell, .buddy?

(ELAINE LOOKS SURPRISED
AT FIRST, THEN DROPS HER HEAD ON HER ARMS AS PETERMAN FLIPS THE PSYCHIC BUDDY.)

(SLOW MOTION CLOSE-UP OF
PSYCHIC BUDDY FLIPPING UP AND COMING BACK DOWN. FADE BEFORE IT LANDS.)