Obama must invade Switzerland for Coffee Robots

Emory Kale, 5th August 2010

The Nesbot, a robot that serves its human masters rich rivers of fine coffee and does not whine about wanting Friday afternoons off, should be protected from Al Qaeda.

It is not often that I advocate the US government invading a sovereign nation, even one known for its delightful chocolate bars and dairy products, but Switzerland has something that is vital to the upholding of this country's Constitution, particularly the bit about the pursuit of happiness.

I am, of course, talking about the Nesbot. Sure, right now it is merely a prototype in the hands of the Tin Tin-esque Dr. Nicola Tomatis, CEO of robot manufacturer BluBotics SA, but American enterprise could turn the dream into a reality for all of us. A robot that would just exist for my, our, happiness, constantly on the move, looking for someone in need of a wonderful cup of Nespresso. It could be any one of the 16 Grands Crus developed by the geniuses that give their lives for the Ultimate Coffee Experience at Nespresso.

Think of the technology that goes into the Nesbot. The base is a differential drive system using BlueBotics autonomous navigation system, ANT. Essentially, the robot works around a predefined routing, possibly through an office building, but it has the ability to maintain its route while avoiding traffic or obstacles, eg, unauthorized coffee thieves.

There are two ways to order your liquid morphine: through a browser based interface on a secure intranet, or a pocket PC on the Nesbot itself. Suck it, Apple, you couldn't get a Mac to fetch you coffee to save its life. Sorry, I digress. Once you order your coffee, you get a choice of six blends and a graphic that shows what is going on on the cup tray. So, if someone got there first, the tray would look full, until your cup was ready to go. Genius!

But, that's not all. You can take the pocket PC off the robot and pass it around so, if you are stuck in a boring meeting, you can lighten up the mood by playing pass the coffee ordering device. Your average cubicle dweller will just order from their desk through the browser interface and wait for the coffee to arrive. Yes, the coffee comes to you, people! Genius!

Do you think there is a single tech support department in any corporation in any part of America that would be unhappy to support these babies. I think not!

Coffee robots are vital to the security of the United States and the values it holds dear. If this country and its government allows the power of big business, say Starbucks, to get into the coffee robot business then, we know what will happen. Bubble butted denizens of cubicles in offices across this nation will expand exponentially on automated servings of venti Chocolate Cream Frappucinos with non-fat milk, but lots of caramel.

Is that what you want America?! Really?? Fat workers congealing at their workstations while Starbucks robots take over?! I think not! Give me Nesbots or give me death. God Bless America!