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This month produced a treasure trove of info and advice. Donna Hammontree outlined the differences between Rights, Responsibilities, Privileges, and Rewards. Knowing the difference between them is important to helping children and teens regulate their behavior. Donna cautions to be consistent when coaching your children/clients, and use positive reinforcement rather than negative. Read more here.

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According to the University of Michigan, there is no correlation between pressuring you children to eat food they don’t want to eat, and positive results of any kind. Researchers say that picky eaters’ weight is unrelated to how hard their parents push them to eat “healthy” foods. likewise, their attitude towards those foods did not improved. You might just be fighting an uphill battle for no reason! Read full article here.

Living in the present has many advantages for children and adults alike. It can sometimes be easy to let worry and fear for what has been, or what could be, turn your day upside down. Rabbi Sam Frenkel’s mission is to use play therapy to help children overcome those worries by living in the present and focusing on today. Read full article here.

It can sometimes be hard to release the reins that keep a parent feeling in control of their children. But as a parent, your role is not to make your child’s decisions for them, but to teach them to make the right choices on their own. This can be exceptionally difficult because a parents first instinct will always be to ensure their child’s safety and happiness. Nancy Buck discusses how you can achieve that without being a helicopter parent. Read full article here.

Helping children learn to manage and regulate their behavior can be a challenge. My colleague Mandy Miller, LCSW, shared her insights with me, and I use her system regularly when coaching parents, teens, and children. To start, everyone should be clear about what is a right, a responsibility, a privilege, and a reward.

Basic definitionsRights: food, shelter, clothes, loveResponsibilities: respectfulness, completion of school and homework, doing chores, following adult directionsPrivileges: video games, cell phone access, television, crafts, time with friends, name brand clothesRewards: ice cream outings, a trip to the toy store, having a friend over, trip to the park, choosing and playing a family game

After we are clear about our definitions, the next step is to shift from a negative approach, to a positive approach. We want caregivers and parents to understand the benefits of focusing on earning privileges, rather than losing them. As an adult, if I drive my car responsibly, I earn and keep my privilege to drive. If I choose to speed or run red lights, I may have to take city transportation or ride my bike.

Basic GuidelinesConsistency: If 2 or more adults are involved in the home, everyone needs to be communicating and working together.Short-term loss of privileges: Privileges can be re-earned by changing the behavior quickly or by staying calm while engaging in or with something else. Long-term loss of privileges can lead to hopelessness and increased defiance and oppositional behaviors. Non-punitive: The child either chooses to earn a privilege or not. Calm, caring and firm caregivers: Adults need to stay emotionally untangled with any tantrums. This means that the adult needs to remain calm, positive, and pleasant while not taking on the child’s emotions. Parents should be coached in active listening: “I hear you are upset, and I’m sorry you lost your privilege … You feel really angry at me right now and are upset you lost your privilege.” Parents should remain empathic and loving.

Additional SuggestionsCaregivers and parents may use this program exclusively within the home or the program may include activities outside of the home. Children struggling outside of the home may benefit from having some of their privileges at home being made contingent on success at school or camp. For example, if the child has a green day, the child gets 1 hour of video games. If the child has a “yellow” day, the child has to wait 15 minutes to start playing the video games for 45 minutes. Finally, if the child has a red day, the child has no video game time. The child can do anything else like play outside, read books, or play board games with the parent. Time frames should match the child’s chronological or developmental age. If the school or camp day is included, teachers and parents will need to work closely together daily. Several days of success may be followed by additional privileges or reward activities.

Some children, especially younger ones, may need for the day to be divided into shorter parts, such as 8 a.m. to 10 a.m., 10 a.m. to noon, noon to 2 p.m. and so on. Children with self-regulation and impulse control issues may benefit from even shorter periods of feedback.

Encouragement means to stimulate initiative and positive actions. Teachers, counselors, and parents are asked to encourage children to do their best by acknowledging their efforts and strengths. However, when children do not feel good about themselves or their situation, they need to be reminded of ways they can encourage themselves and each other.

Ask children for examples of thoughts that help them feel better when they are unhappy. Explain that helpful thoughts are called positive “self-talk” and that adults often use this as a way to cope with their problems. List the children’s ideas on the board.

Some examples are:

I am a good person no matter what anyone does or says.

It is okay to make mistakes because everyone does.

I do not give up; I keep trying.

I think about what is good in my life.

Everyone feels good and bad, now and then.

I can do it!

Money cannot buy happiness.

How I act is more important than how I look.

I am lovable.

When I smile, I feel better.

I can do many things well.

I cannot control what grown-ups do.

I am unique, one of a kind.

When I feel sad, I think of things I like about myself.

Each new day brings a chance to do better.

I think about my choices and then choose what is best for me.

I will change what I can and accept what I cannot change.

I treat others the way I want to be treated.

I cannot change my family; I can only change myself.

What I learn today will help me in the future.

After making an extensive list, have the children choose a sentence that is meaningful to them. Ask them to make a picture or poster featuring their saying complete with illustrations. Have them prominently sign their creation. Then divide into small groups or pairs and have the children discuss their work. Caution the students to be respectful of each other’s ideas. Display the results in the classroom or in the hall to challenge ALL children to use positive “self-talk” that will encourage them to do their best.

Most of us would agree that the internet has proven to be a fantastic resource for research and learning. It has allowed us to connect with people around the world. Unfortunately, the internet poses threats and dangers that we may never see coming. Adolescents are particularly vulnerable. The Pew Research Center reports that 94% of teens use a mobile device or go online daily. Threats include cyberbullying, cyberpredators, posting private and embarrassing information, scams, malware, and creating posts that later come back and embarrass the teen. Therapists who work with teens may be the first adult that becomes aware when a teen is engaging in dangerous online behavior, or has become a target of a bully, predator, or scam. We need to educate ourselves, our clients, and their parents.

StaySafe.org offers a detailed Online Teen Safety Guide. Starting with the hardware the guide walks parents and teens through simple steps that will help create a safe online experience for the teen. The guide reminds us that mobile hardware also needs to be protected. Identity theft and online scams also target teens, so teens need to be protective of passwords and credit card numbers. Parents need to monitor purchases and educate their teen about the proper use of debit and credit cards. Online gaming can be a source of entertainment and opportunity to connect socially, but can also contribute to dysfunctional behavior.

Much of the danger for adolescents, and an even bigger challenge for parents to supervise, is found on social media. Most of us are familiar with Facebook and Twitter, but these are likely not the sites your teen spends much time on. Much more popular are Instagram, Snapchat, and Pinterest. Other apps your teen may be using include Tumblr, WhatsApp, Kik Messenger, and Whisper. For more information about these and other apps visit Common Sense Media. FBI statistics suggest that there are 750,000 predators online, looking to develop inappropriate relationships with teens. Parents need to learn how to set up privacy settings on social media apps and sites frequented by their child, and they need to actively monitor their child’s activity on these sites. Online predators can often be identified and recognized by their behavior. OnlineSense.org provides a list of 20 early signs that can identify an online predator.

ChildTherapyToys.com also offers some resources that may be of use to teachers and clinicians. Check out our Cyber Safety page for ideas and items to help arm teens with the skills they need to combat unwanted attention online such as the Cyber-Safe game , Cyber Bullying Ball, and more!