I know I will have days I falter and fall that I will be afraid and unsure.. I accept that but what I also know that I will dig down deep and draw strengtht from Mother Earth and The Lord and Lady.. do what would make my father proud and fight for what is mine.. she will not win and destory my soul.. should she win and get my home I will make her fight for every things.. I will not let her beat me down. there will be days when I feel I can not go on.. but then I most remember that to do less is to let her win.. Goddess give me that strenght..

right now I am upset and feeling like what the hell does it matter. I do not taked Xtan holidays and family holidays.. I leave them for people that have family they want to do things with.. I do take Halloween... it is a very important ritual for me. today I was told that I could not have it off.. seem some one else put in for time before me that over laps what I asked for.. sgt was nice about it said he had got a part time worker to cover but then the bosses said they had to have 3 on evenings. ok .. shit happens .. I told him I would be there but that did not mean I had to be happy about it.. and also canceled the other days I had put in for .. did not need them with out Halloween. ok I am dealing with this .. then the one who put in for the time off that cost me my holiday askes if Sgt had told me about Halloween.. I answered very shortly yes.. that should be the end ok.. not .. she starts this she did not put in for that time because I would not change with her at Xmas... it was nothing personal.. I told her flat out that I was 53 yoa old and to old to play that game.. and until she mentioned the Xmas stuff I never even thought about it.. that may be her mind worked that way but I did not think that way.. she just would not let it drop .. I got pissed off but did not lose my temper .. it would have been very ugly.. I made it clear the way I answered her first question that I did not wish to talk about it.. she just would not shut up.. and until she did bouhgt it up I never thought about her planing her time off to pay me back for having plans for Xmas and since it was the frist after my mother died I did not want to have to deal with things at work.. now it has me wondering about her timing.. I do want to tell the sgt next time he had to turn something down because of some one else being off to not tell the other person.. I do not like this person any way and this just adds to my dislike..

not having Halloween off is very diffcult for me.. I am taking off hour early so I can at least get my ritual in before midnight.. I feel very down right now.. so glad I am off next two days..

I am working hard at not letting the crap at work get to me.. so much BS and so little understanding or caring about the people that work there. I will not let the SOBs get to me.. I will go in do my job and get the hell out of there.. I do not take stuff home as much as I use to.. I know that it is all BS and that one day they will get theirs... I admit I want to be there to see it ... so many people are leaving because of the micro-manageing crap.. I have been there to many years.. I will not allow them to drive me out .. I am sorry to see some of the people go.. they are good officers and dont deserve all the crap

on another note.. I find myself feeling lonely.. not real reason. I like my own company better then I like the company of most people. and after all these years do not think I would do well in a relationship

I am a hurt that some one at work that I think of as friend did not send me a email back of come in to say thank you. I took care of some thing that would have got him in trouble.. I would think he would at least email me thanks or something. dont regret doing it but still thanks would be nice .. oh well should not expect so much from other .. dont expect it and you dont get disappointed...

right now I am so pissed off.. sgt called because the write off I turned in was a copy not an orginal so I have to make another copy and sign it.. what the hell does it matter... plus I asked again about why my dept hearing was post and other where not and got a BS answer of well it was violation of policy that has since be written to be more clear cut., how do you suspend some one for a policy that you admit was not clear then not post their hearing results like you did mine.. and it is bs when they say they did not do it to embaress me .. they know I dont like my personal stuff out there for all to read... and if you are going to post one persons then you should post every one... I hate going to work because of this bs and it worse that you have to worry about even asking questions.. they wonder why or may be the dont that so many people leave.. if I did not have 18+ years I would be gones as well.. they are such ... well nothing I can put out bnet ,,but I am so pissed off

ok this will sound silly but here goes.. we had a 13 year employee come in today and quit. this is one of the people that loves to run to bosses, get other in trouble and for years has got by with a lot of things.. they just put her on 7pm - 4am shift after a 10 day suspension. I said when they put her on that shift they where doing it to get her to quit.. no one really likes her and for the whole time she had been there she has created problems with other in the office. So I should be jumping with joy right... well I am glad she is gone but the way some of them are gloating about it bothers me..not sure why... it just something about the way some of them are going on about it... not sorry to see her go but just let it go..

S was complaining tonight about going to evening and them not telling her .. I have not sympathy for her .. she is the reason I got stuck on evenings in Nov. she was suppose to go but rasied hell about it because she was moving her father into a assited living place.. she did not get him moved until after the first of this year. I do aggree they should let her know,,, at least with me they asked .. even when I really had no choise.. they wonder why we feel like we do.. I understand the needs of all vs one.. but at least make people feel like their needs have some importances.

I am feeling down and do not know why. I have to get back to denist and get partial adjusted.. plus call to make apt with doc.. oh well this to shall pass

yesterday I went with SAWS to help for a few minutes clean up a homeless camp. i had to go to work so I could not stay long.. I understand there are many reason people are homeless. I am not judging but I do not understand why they dont do like rural people use to do .. set aside one area as a trash dump.. for the pets sake if not there own.,.. was not as bad as it could have been and looked like they had tried some.. but at least set things aside. they had a lot of the cans bagged up and I left them some trash bags.. one of them said he would use them.. I am just grateful that I have as much as I do and my pets live a much better life. they love their pets and care for them so all I can do is try to help them a little bit.. never understand all that is going on but at least do that small thing.

I am going to help SAWS where I can.. I wanted to meet them people living there so if I needed to do anything down there they would know who I was.. make it easier on everyone..

I hate not having more engery . seem I get a little bit done then I am tired.. take vitamins, try to take care of myself.. I want to do thing then my get up and go gets up and leaves.. I am making an appointment with a new primary care dr. so may be she will see that is going on.. may be just depression and stress

well I know my dept is dumb... how dumb .. I got serve hearing papers today for . my sgt hearing me vent after making me go call my dr office to get them to send another dr note since the one I had did not say what they wanted it to.. sad part was I only took a note in so they would not think I was misusing my sick leave if I suddenly had to start taking off more ... the sgt did not bother with mentioning what I said about venting before going into dispatch office to work.. plus the pulled my phone call to the dr office.. so much bs and I am not going to worry.. they will do what they want to do.. I will bring up the fact that sgt west did not mention what I said about venting... or what I said later on the phone.. about increasing my hormone meds ... so I have to wait until may 1 for hearing and then who know how long before they tell me anything... they are so dam anal.. with nothing else to do

I feel a little down right now, came home early from work. just needed to be away from people. I know this is because I decide to go forward and get mothers estate done.. I am afraid but I must do this. and this brings to mind so much pain and hurt. I know my sister has hated my for years but all the things she said ... knowing they are not true does not ease it all. I wonder if I should have called her more but mother did not want her to know if time she was sick, or fell. this brings back memories and I plan out in my head what to say.... and do.. I am afraid but I need to trust my own strenght and the Goddess to keep my home safe.. this is my root and my only home.. I dont like change and it makes me afraid, but I will survice not matter what happens... I can do this...

still having female issues so that makes me even more edgy and this week have to work 6 days before rdo. one of the reason I said to hell with it and came home early. Goddess I know you belive in me help me to belive in me