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Hi all,
I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.
Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.
If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.
As always, we will be here with you,
ModKonnie

Tommy's mum, thank you for your kind words. Yes, we (my wife and I) went to family counseling. We went to one in-person support group, but I didn't feel comfortable there. We went to another one and it was a much better fit. The trigger days? For almost three months after Cameron died, it was every day! I would literally cry for two hours a day at work every day and on the weekends. Fortunately, I had a fairly private office and most people knew to leave me alone when they hear a lot of sniffing inside. The firsts of everything were pretty hard, like Christmas, birthdays, Thanksgiving, Easter, etc. I just cried through them for the first couple of years, and gave myself credit for getting through them even if I was a total mess in doing so. I have a son who is 29 years old, and a daughter who is 24. Both are on their own. I have one grandchild, my son's daughter, but we usually aren't able to see her. (That's a whole different story!) Eric was very young, 4 1/2 when Cameron died, and he had trouble with the concept of never and forever as it was very abstract for him to understand. Every now and then he would ask "Daddy, when is Cameron coming home again?" I'd have to tell him that Cameron died, and when you die, you don't ever come back home. He'd look confused and say "Not ever?" and I'd say, "Nope. Not ever." He'd think about it a little and then go off and play. There were times when he would cry or get angry and act out, and we would ask him if he felt bad about Cameron, and he would say "Yes." I'd ask, "Do you want me to hold you?" and he would say "Yes." Then he would crawl into my lap and I'd hold him for a while and then he would get down and go play. He gradually healed and got through it. He was young enough that he doesn't remember Cameron now and only knows him by the photos and the stories we told him. He feels a little like Cameron is this ghost in his family that he doesn't remember and it feels a little weird, but it's just a part of his life. Lauren was adopted after Cameron died, and she doesn't know him at all except the photos and stories. We were able to adopt Lauren because we only had one child after Cameron died, so she feels a little strange that Cameron had to die so she could come into the family. I tell her that even before Cameron died that both Mom and I didn't feel like our family was complete, but when we adopted her, the feeling went away and never came back. It took me about four years to feel like I was strong again, and it has gotten better, but I think about Cam every day. On the day of Cameron's funeral, I could feel myself heading for a nervous breakdown like a runaway freight train! It was only through my brother and my dad giving me a priesthood blessing (a Mormon blessing) that kept me for totally collapsing. I found huge comfort in my belief system that my family has been sealed together forever and that one day I'll have Cameron again and be his dad again. It doesn't take the pain away, but it gives me a lot of hope and perspective. Even with that, it was still the worst thing I've ever gone through!

Yes, Allen B, that's exactly how it is! I'd give my life for my son, Cameron, to be alive. But I can't. You're right, the loss of one of your kids is the purest form of hell that I know of. give yourself plenty of time and try to do what you can to heal, realizing it's going to be a very hard and difficult road. If you have any questions or need to say ANYTHING, we are here for you. God bless you and your family!

Bellamomma7 and FMAmum, I'm so sorry to hear about your daughters! What agonizing pain! I remember going to my son's grave and wanting to claw at the dirt and get him back. Of course, I didn't, but I wanted to desperately. You both have come to a good place when you signed up here because all of us here have been through what you have and have a good idea of what you are going through. I would really encourage you, along with Tommy's mum, to get counseling to help you with such a tremendous loss. Also, find friends both in person and online who will listen to anything and everything you have to say and not try to judge or criticize you. The people here only want to help you and they have been where you are now. Like Tommy's mum says, don't push your emotions down. Get them out. You will go through some wild mood swings from "everything's normal and okay" to wondering why you don't just shrivel up and die to anger. Let it all out. Get a journal that is only for you to read, and write everything down that you are thinking, feeling, and doing. Everything. Keep at it as often and as long as you need to. Don't worry about what you put in there, it is only for you to read and the purpose is to get everything out as thoroughly as you can. Also, be easy on yourself. Get through the day the best you can, then give yourself credit that you got through it, even if you got through it horribly. You still got through it. If you have any questions or whatever you want to ask the people here, please feel free to comment or ask. We are here for you.

Hello, Everyone. I guess it would be good to introduce myself. My second oldest son, Cameron, died in March 1992 when a dresser in his room fell on top of him. He was supposed to be taking a nap, but apparently he was trying to reach something on top of the dresser. It was the most horrible thing I've ever gone through and the most intense, deep, and long-lasting pain I've ever experienced. My wife and I went from planning for pre-school and day care to planning a funeral, picking a burial plot, and picking a headstone overnight. I would never, ever wish that kind of thing on anyone!! It took a great deal of time and effort to heal. I am not in the process of the raw pain and grief that so many of you are in, but I can honestly say that I have a very good idea of what you are going through. If a person hasn't gone through it, there is no way they can possible understand it. There is simply no reference point you can relate to unless you have been there. Events like his birthday and Christmases and such have gotten a lot easier, but they can still be rather tender when I remember him. He would be 27 years old if he were still alive. I can honestly say that there is never a day that I don't think about him after all these years. I can also honestly say that it took me a long time to work through all of this and now I lead a happy, normal life and that I carry this grief rather than it carry me. It took a lot of time and work to get to that point. I hope that I can be a voice of comfort to those of us whose grief is still raw and very deep and I can offer a perspective that there is hope, even if it seems very dim or even non-existent at this point.
I attached a photo taken of Cameron the day before he died. His aunt Crystal and his older brother, Eric, are in the background. I love you, Cam!

Thank you, Tommy's mum. It was the most horrible experience I've ever been through! It took me a very long time to get strong enough to carry the grief rather than it carry me. As other posts on this site will attest, you never get over it. You get strong enough to carry it. One thing I've discovered along the way, is that I could heal as long as I did the work to make me heal. I also found that it was a very gradual process.

Ray, we are here for you! I'm so sorry about your heartache and loss! Thank you for letting us see the photo. I also had a son, named Cameron, who died when he was 2 1/2 years old in 1992 in an accident in the home. I'm not a BIG advocate for bolting dressers and bookcases to the walls in the home!
You are right. This is a lost and lonely time full of heartache, agony, and loss. It will take time to get to the other side of this, but a few immediate things will help. 1. Time 2. Tears 3. Get it out of you.
Time: This is going to take time to get through all this. Give yourself plenty. Also, don't let anyone put their timetable on you as to how you should be healing, grieving, and feeling by such-and-such time. They don't have the faintest idea of what you are going through unless they have been through it themselves. They have no idea of the depth and intensity of your grief. There is simply no reference point for them.
Tears: Please take time to cry. Be a little careful about being strong for the kids as you don't want to make them feel like you don't miss Cameron or you don't care. If you cry and your kids see it, just tell them that you miss Cameron a great deal and sometimes you cry. Tell them it's okay if they cry too. One of the things that I found out is if you stifle your feelings, they never go away, and can come back in much uglier ways. Give yourself time and permission to weep all you need to.
Get it out: Find people you can talk to who will not judge you. If possible, find people who have been through the death of a child. Talk it out. Find support groups you feel comfortable with, either online or in person. Find supportive friends who will be there for you no matter what. Write a journal and "dump it out." Write everything you are feeling, thinking, doing, angry at, EVERYTHING. The main thing is to get all that sorrow and stress out and express it some way. Also get your anger (when it comes) out in a way that doesn't hurt anyone. Scream in your pillow, throw ice cubes on the patio, whatever.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. We are here for you, and we don't criticize or judge. You can say anything here and it is all right. We have been through the same thing you are going through, so we have a pretty good idea of what you are dealing with. Our hearts and prayers go out to you!

Jandimom44, I am so sorry for your double loss!. Not only, your son, but your step daughter have passed away! We are here for you. It takes a long time to heal from this kind of pain, and you had a double-dose in less than two and a half years. I'm sure the loss of your step daughter reopened the wounds of losing your son. You are in a safe place here where you can grieve and find compassion and empathy from those who are going - or have gone - through something very similar and who have an idea of the depth and intensity of your loss. I lost my son, Cameron, in 1992. It took me about 4 years before I could look in the mirror and say "I'm strong" again. Give yourself time, allow yourself to cry, and get the pain out by finding people who will listen to you without judging you both in person and online. (Here is a good place) Write in a journal - only for you to read, and no on else - and dump out everything you are feeling, thinking, and doing. Dump it all out. Do it every day, or even multiple times a day if you have to. The big thing is get it all out. Don't let it fester inside.
We are here for you.

Red_9213 - I lost my 2 1/2 year old son in 1992 to an accident in the home. He was climbing on a dresser when he was supposed to be taking a nap and it fell over on top of him. It was the most horrible experience of my life!
You are in a good place here. All of us have experienced child loss, and we have a good idea of what you are going through. You are welcome here.

Just a suggestion: You mentioned about moving out of the house. You may consider not making any big decisions other than your husband finding work locally for six months to a year or so. (Just a suggested time line) Take time to get more used to what has happened and try not to make any quick decisions unless you absolutely have to. Your whole world has been shattered, and it is going to take some time to put the pieces back together in a way that makes sense. Take your time doing it and give it a lot of thought.
This is just a suggestion, it is your decision.

Mr. Miserable, I'm so sorry for your loss! Losing someone who's like your own son is like losing your own son. It's the purest form of hell that I know of. It took me four years before I could look in the mirror and say "I'm strong again" after Cameron's death. Please consider getting professional help to help you deal with the pain, because you are experiencing more than people who haven't lost their "kid", and they don't understand the depth, intensity, and length of it. I also found that when Cameron died, there came a point where I had to make a very DELIBERATE decision to live rather than survive. Whenever you get to that point, I beg you to choose to live your life again to honor your kid. Please make a deliberate choice to live your life to honor your kid's memory rather than have his memory and your guilt feeling ruin your life. Live to honor him. You will know when that time comes to make that decision. We're here for you.

Marnatink7, I'm so sorry to read about your son! Wow! You've been through so much. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Take your time and make decisions and advancement when you are ready. I hope your husband will be able to find a day-driver job soon as possible. It will be very helpful for you to have him there with you at night. God bless you. We are here for you!

Oh, Silky, I'm so sorry for your loss! It's so difficult to loose a child, but to loose one when you thought you were living in a safe place?? That must feel like the ultimate betrayal! We are here for you and our prayers go out for you! You are not alone and we are here for you.

Foofooberry1972 - You are right on! I've experienced many losses, but absolutely NOTHING compares to the loss of a child! It's something a person can't possibly understand unless they have gone through it. You are probably much stronger than you know, as you have been able to go on with your life in spite of the load you carry with the loss of your son. God bless you! You are a strong person, whether you know it or not.