I’m still obsessing about the hurt love in relation to the interaction that went on with Dani for about a year. The guy is still not taking clear actions towards dealing with the abusive, sexist behaviors she’s exposed me to.

I’ve tried to talk with a woman she’s intimately involved with about getting support in getting over the hurt and possibly help in expressing the importance of dealing with this. I’m getting really tired of people not willing to talk, so. Recently I put an ‘ultimatum’ on her facebook wall. She deleted it for some reason. So, here I go again. Expressing my feelings and needs in public on this blog.

To Kali:

i notice you took my last comment away.

so i choose to repeat: if you dont feel like communicating with me, and have negative feelings towards me that you don’t feel like dealing with further by talking it through. (feelings that i see as projections and blaming – maintaining sexist power relations between individuals in the oppressive patriarchal system we’re all existing in)

and if you don’t care about how dani behaves towards other women and care enough to guide this guy to dealing with her shit (for real) then i don’t really see any point in why you keep me as a friend on facebook. (would you be okay with dani being sexist to other women you know?)

i need to be surrounded by people who care to talk about stuff that hurts (and i feel you have a seriously protective attitude in relation to dani, and a negative shaming blaming attitude towards me) and if you don’t want to talk it through (not even meet face to face) i really don’t see why we should be “friends” on facebook.

or please make an effort to explain your point of view on why it’s cool to maintain a relation that you don’t feel good about? talk about it. or: a few clicks and you will not have to face uncomfortable realities anymore (deal with it in the same way as dani..) take direct action and kick me out of your faceboook.

[and still: whatever you choose – engaging in real honest open dialogue or kicking me out – you are always welcome to talk with me if you would ever feel a need to get support in hurts and damage caused by dani’s behavior. no time limit set for this offer. the time and place for it would be: whenever you would feel the need.]

that’s all.

And a song expressing a reality I wouldn’t be able to live with, and that I – as a woman hurt by Dani – am seeing as Kali’s reality at the moment. The reality of many women I guess, in hetero-poly relations:

Friends tell me I am crazy
That I’m wasting time with you
You’ll never be mine

That’s not the way I see it
Cause I feel you’re already mine
Whenever you’re with mePeople always talk about reputationI don’t care about the other girls
Just be good to me

Friends are always telling me you’re a user
But I don’t care what you do to them
Just be good to me

You may have many others
But I know when you’re with me
You are all mine

Friends seem to always listen
To the bad things that you do
You never do them to me

Just be good to me in the morning
Just be good to me in the afternoon or evening
Just be good to me

I’m not the jealous type
I won’t let you down when you need me
I’ll be around
I’ll be good to you
You’ll be good to me
And we’ll be together, be together

So. As I understand the whole “closing down the house”-story… It’s supposed to go something like this: Some people being tired of and wanting to get rid of some other people.

Some people had a meeting and made a decision about closing down the place in hopes of some other people not wanting to come to the place any more. Some other people got to hear about the house getting closed for a “cleaning break” and also got to know that they were the ones who were supposed to be cleaned out.

So. Some people trashed the place. And there was a writing outside saying: “Good luck cleaning”.

Maybe at some point it would be good for people feeling for “the house” to also start caring for the people in it. This way we wouldn’t end up with such a mess time and time again.

Wanted: Communication and inclusion. Focus on community instead of protective walls.

[ a n t i ] Social centre Satama in Helsinki is currently closed. Apparently to clean up some of the mess there. Male hang-arounds have been waving frying pans around, and drawing swastikas on the walls — no we’re not talking about the ones labeled “fascists” this is done by — “us”.

The decision to close the place was also done by — “us”. A friend stumbled upon an unannounced meeting in the house. A shame-faced Micke Brunila admitted that it was a “pre-meeting” for the house meeting, “cause the house meetings take so long”…

Yes. It goes a bit quicker when “we” (not the “fascists”) can present the ready made decisions for the audience attending the democratic house meetings.

I remember watching a short film-interview where [then labeled social critic and squatter] Brunila was talking passionately about not understanding the idea of private property, red-cheeked asking herself how it can be possible to keep buildings closed and empty when there are people in need of the space.

I’m a human being. And I’m pissed off, tired and sad. I’ve just been seriously ignored. And I don’t like that. I sent a request, a proposal to join a discussion on a mailing list, where I was being talked about [..and have been talked about for weeks, months, years!]. I figured that most people would be interested in hearing more sides to the story before making up their minds on how to think about something.

Or is Milla really that sexist, dangerous for the community, unfair in discussions, rude, violent, mentally ill as some people say? How about hearing me out before you decide?

How about recognizing the power that is there in blocking a certain point of view from being expressed? How about recognizing the power that is there in being able to express your feelings and opinions openly in a space where other voices have no say – where some voices are not allowed to enter? Are you really willing to support a system that shuts out voices of dissent? A system where only one truth can be told?

in the name of free speech and horizontal decision making

>>

>>

PROPOSAL:

to get some kind of consensual feel to the way people talk in this group
it would be nice to try to please as many wishes and needs as possible

soin order to get more sides to the story
Milla and Pre Kaarina would like to join this group
and engage in a discussion on internal hierarchies and exclusion.

and in order for everybody to feel safe and heard,

this would only be an experiment lasting for a week.
during which persons who have expressed disinterest in the discussion,
or fear of being outed on the internet could stay silent.

after the week is over,

everything would go back to normal. (milla and Pre Kaarina out
again, after getting heard. and the silent ones get to talk without
getting heard by milla.)

<<

<<

suggestion on HOW TO deal with the proposal:

First of all someone volunteers – or is suggested by someone else – as facilitator. If there are no objections to this/these individual/s performing this task, then this/these person/s continue as follows:

— “This is the proposal, is there something that is unclear to anybody?”

1. After the proposal has been presented there could be a weeks time to collect clarifying questions (if there’s something that someone doesn’t understand – if there’s something that’s unclear why this proposition would be good for the group etc. It’s important that everybody understands the proposal before making a decision on it)

the questions are passed on to me, so that I – as the person who made the proposal – can try to make what it is i’m suggesting clear to everybody.

— “The proposal seems to be clear to everybody, since there are no more questions on it. Are there any concerns in relation to the proposal?”

2. Then, when the proposal is clear as crystal it’s time to get concerns out in the open. The people raising the concerns [objections, problems] also take active part in working on solutions that could suit the needs of everybody (mine and theirs and others — the group).

The concerns can be listed (by the facilitator), and related concerns can be grouped together. 3. After this it’s time tolook for solutions together. Possible ways of resolving problems in relation to the proposal are discussed and checked one by one if the suggestions work or not.
If there are any suggestions for amendments (small friendly changes on the proposal) these could be passed on to me, after which i say if i’m okay with it or not, after which the thing is passed back to the group to check if there are any objections left or if there’s consensus on the proposal.

— “Are there any more objections, concerns?”

If not. Then there’s consensus.

Possible?

From A Finnish Childrens’ Song:

Piiri pieni pyörii,

lapset siinä hyörii,

toisiansa tervehtää

sitten paikoillensa jää.

Piiri pieni pyörii,

lapset siinä hyörii,

vakavina seisovat

vallan niin kuin vanhemmat.

Some sort of translation:

The small circle is turning, the children in it are being busy, saying hello to each other, and then staying in their places.

The small circle is turning, the children in it are being busy, standing sternly, just as their parents. [‘just as their parents’ can also be translated ‘power in the same way as the parents’]

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. AA-aaa-ah! Sigh. Having all this butt-kicking material (photos and films) and lacking the technological know-how in re-sizing and uploading causes me to spend hours in front of this idiotic screen not getting anything done. Should find a geek. Get it done in a few seconds instead of going through the same procedures several times just to find out: Didn’t work this time either!

So. Instead comes this: Cleaning out some mental garbage. About conflicts in general. And the weirdness with the conflict in Budapest recently with Dani, not wanting to talk (not very unusual) but us both behaving kind of childish. And weird.

Seeing each other maybe 4 or 5 times at different occasions. Strange communication. Strange talk. Strange way of relating. Me writing things on a kitchen wall, drawing tears on my face. Me behaving like an angry child, holding a bottle of water above her head, when she’s putting her shoes on. She farting obsessively [apparently flatulence doesn’t always save the day..], touching her chest (breasts) in some weird way. Throwing caps and pieces of paper and whatnot. Like a kid wanting attention. Me at some other occasion flipping the back of her head with my fingers when i pass her. She, later, looking at me, making faces for some minutes. Me changing my clothes and menstruation pad in front of her.

I don’t get this. The weirdness. Why there’s no willingness to talk. No means of communication.

And then: reluctant promises made about arranging a meeting later. Maybe: Mediation. And yet. No trust. She doesn’t trust me. I don’t trust her.

The last thing we agreed on was that she would talk with a person from the Stop Male Violence group, see if she could mediate a talk between us in October. Dani said that it would be done in the same way as the agreement about her contacting the group was made — She would write an email to this man and me at the same time. In english. — In saying that it was going to be done in the “same way” as the previous agreement made in Tampere, she admitted that she had been aware of the deal and that she deliberately broke it.

Which also makes me wonder if doing this in the same “style” means that she has no intention of following it through.

These are the things I think about when biking around in Helsinki. Wondering if the workpractice with the NVC trainer will happen, and how the 10-day Vipassana meditation session will be like. — And all the other conflicts that are there. If there will ever be ways of dealing with differing points of view and interests in non-violent and structured ways (no pre-made Laws, no Police, no Oppressive Dominant Cultures with Unwritten Rules deciding what’s Right and what’s Wrong).

And the mental garbage: Wanting to believe that there was some real attempt towards solidarity in Dani contacting me. Not wanting to be left with memories of us lying down, making out, touching, her on top of me saying, pushing her crotch against mine: “Hmm. I’m just checking what it would be like. If I would be able to kiss you if I have my penis inside.” And this in relation with her not wanting me to go to the social centre [Satama] with her, because of this “spoiling” her chances of connecting with people there. Or her having sex with a person excluding me from a part of the network in Budapest, but saying that she can’t get totalk with this person about this (?!). Not supporting me in going to the place where i was excluded from, but saying how much she loves me, and making out — kissing.

This memory of her on top of me in Helsinki. Saying this. [trying out if kisses would be possible while she has her dick in me !!] Really makes me feel like I was just some hole that she felt like testing.

A guy who talks about equality and says things indicating that she doesn’t want to have sex without deeper emotional involvement from me, and then goes on trying out sexual positions, while staying fairly distant and unsupportive when it comes to dealing with sexism. Well.

I’m prepared to get into butt-kicking position. Just like the three-year-old girl in the video above – i know what to do when there’s monsters around.

Today’s song: Getting some fun out of life with Billie Holiday. Below a cover:

So. Here I am. In Finland. Few persons around who can relate to what the hell I’m about (or: going on about). Me: Two arms. Two legs. Longing for love and acceptance. Fully human. Normally messed up. Just like anybody else.

Got some emails passed on to me today. Again a discussion about “Milla”.

Haven’t finished reading it through yet. But I know i got a new hero for sure. A woman with persistence and conviction: Explaining and explaining. Not giving in or up. Annoying the hell out of an impatient angry few — What the silent masses are about (??) — I don’t know!

It’s a discussion on how a decision was made on excluding me [or: not including me..!] from a mailing list a couple of years ago. A conversation on how discussions and decisions are made within anarchist communities and spaces. The woman is patiently (and with spark!) connecting the dots for the ones interested in breaking with domination and hierarchies. With determination breaking through labels such as “spam” and “paranoid”.

I hope she didn’t experience it as a complete waste of time. That she had some fun with it.

Making a loop: Had yet another weird day in my weird life two days ago. Was super careless and got caught taking some tooth-floss in a store. And happened to have a pocket knife on me. Which apparently is completely illegal. No knife no matter how small in public spaces anymore. Spent some hours at the police station. Had a long conversation with a man. She took photos and finger prints. Trying to convince me that there are better ways to challenge the system. Legal ways. I tried to say that most of what I do is legal. Like having the talk with her for instance. When she was preparing the papers with the fine I sang a bit of a song I know:

“When we want to work we work,

when we want to play we play,

you can do your betting,

we’re getting some fun out of life.

Maybe we do the right thing,

maybe we do the wrong.

Spending each day just wending our way along.

But, when we want to sing we sing,

when we want to dance we dance,

you can do your betting,

we’re getting some fun out of life.”

I started singing cause the environment was so depressing. — Just a few minutes before, the paper work of another person had been finished and the name of the guy was called out. And then someone remembered “Aah, the guy is locked up”. So a police-man opened the door into our barren waiting space and opened a heavy green metal door right next to the bench where I was sitting. A guy coming out from a dark smelly small room. Had been sitting there with no lights on.

Looking around there were messages written, scratched into the walls, benches and doors. All the persons on our side, waiting for the people on the other side of the mirror-windowed-wall to get done with the bureaucracy, the people sitting on the “wrong” side with our freedom and possessions taken away, so messages had been made with whatever happened to be available. Some had been lucky enough to get a pen through. Or a lighter: Burning a message into the wall.

A bit of tooth-floss. And a pocket knife. And probably the fact that I spoke openly of what I saw: A flawed and violent system. Maybe getting caught stealing a few months ago affected it as well. Enough to get me registered.

It’s official. My way of playing this game called ‘life’ is a marginal phenomenon.

M-anarchism or police. Makes no difference to me.

Happiness comes every once in a while when I see others suffocating from boredom. Like the woman writing emails. Trying to convince the others to try a new game.