TMG search for most Unpatriotic American uncovers top-secret
surprise!

Fully integrated into suburban life in the upscale seaside
community of Wapatusset, this Russian double agent operated well under the
radar of government authorities for four years and two months. Tennis mom by
day, socialite by night, “Muffy” (as she is known in Wapatusset) was a staple
at yacht club parties and art show openings, and sat on the board of directors
at the Institute of Chardonnay
Studies.

Days after moving to town from New
Jersey in 2006

, she cropped her brunette locks, going
for a cross between the “Hingham
helmet” and “soccer mom bob” styles recommended by local hairdresser Andrei
Boris. He then sent her straight to the colorist down the street for a
full-head treatment of blonde Formula 02025 to complete the package.

She took tennis lessons, joined the PTA,
and spent hours supervising her landscaping crew as they tended to her
manicured lawn and hydrangeas. Last year she even bought a Prius(retrofitted
with a V-8 engine and enlarged gas tank). If it weren’t for the hard work of a hard-hitting
investigative journalist at TMG, Muffy would still be sipping Chardonnay at her book
club and selling secrets on the side.

Gotcha! How the spy was snagged

This past week, while the TMG editorial staff was combing
the 50 states for uber-patriots (see “Most Patriotic People in America”) our publisher/design
guru was holding down the fort—or so we thought. In his quest to find the most
UNpatriotic person in America
he scoured every watering hole in Wampatusset (and environs within a 10 mile
radius), chatting up strangers and eavesdropping on suspicious conversations,
day and night.

Although he encountered a fair amount of liberal-East-Coast-media-elite
bias, it was hard to find the radical hard-line Unabomber type he had in mind. This
was exhausting investigative work, and although after a 5-night bender his wife
kicked him out of the house and forced him to sleep in the shed with the dog, he carried
on, in the name of quality journalism and patriotic duty.

Then, one night, when he least expected it, he spotted her. She
was sitting at the bar at the Chardonnay Institute, sipping a well chilled
vodka martini. The KAOS tattoo on her left shoulder was a dead giveaway. Little
did he know he’d find he’d find the most un-patriotic person in the entire
country right here in his own home town.

Because the case is under investigation, we cannot divulge
the details of the subsequent conversations between TMG, the Wapatusset Police
Department, and the FBI at this time. Stay tuned for developing news and
interviews.

TMG search for most Unpatriotic American uncovers top-secret
surprise!

Fully integrated into suburban life in the upscale seaside
community of Wapatusset, this Russian double agent operated well under the
radar of government authorities for four years and two months. Tennis mom by
day, socialite by night, “Muffy” (as she is known in Wapatusset) was a staple
at yacht club parties and art show openings, and sat on the board of directors
at the Institute of Chardonnay
Studies.

Days after moving to town from New
Jersey in 2006

, she cropped her brunette locks, going
for a cross between the “Hingham
helmet” and “soccer mom bob” styles recommended by local hairdresser Andrei
Boris. He then sent her straight to the colorist down the street for a
full-head treatment of blonde Formula 02025 to complete the package.

She took tennis lessons, joined the PTA,
and spent hours supervising her landscaping crew as they tended to her
manicured lawn and hydrangeas. Last year she even bought a Prius(retrofitted
with a V-8 engine and enlarged gas tank). If it weren’t for the hard work of a hard-hitting
investigative journalist at TMG, Muffy would still be sipping Chardonnay at her book
club and selling secrets on the side.

Gotcha! How the spy was snagged

This past week, while the TMG editorial staff was combing
the 50 states for uber-patriots (see “Most Patriotic People in America”) our publisher/design
guru was holding down the fort—or so we thought. In his quest to find the most
UNpatriotic person in America
he scoured every watering hole in Wampatusset (and environs within a 10 mile
radius), chatting up strangers and eavesdropping on suspicious conversations,
day and night.

Although he encountered a fair amount of liberal-East-Coast-media-elite
bias, it was hard to find the radical hard-line Unabomber type he had in mind. This
was exhausting investigative work, and although after a 5-night bender his wife
kicked him out of the house and forced him to sleep in the shed with the dog, he carried
on, in the name of quality journalism and patriotic duty.

Then, one night, when he least expected it, he spotted her. She
was sitting at the bar at the Chardonnay Institute, sipping a well chilled
vodka martini. The KAOS tattoo on her left shoulder was a dead giveaway. Little
did he know he’d find he’d find the most un-patriotic person in the entire
country right here in his own home town.

Because the case is under investigation, we cannot divulge
the details of the subsequent conversations between TMG, the Wapatusset Police
Department, and the FBI at this time. Stay tuned for developing news and
interviews.