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Author
Topic: I need the advice of long term survivors (Read 4980 times)

My son is very upset as he has a relationhip with a neg person and during relations the condom broke. He is very upset as he does not want his boyfriend to get HIV. He feels that he has to stop t he relationship for the sake of his boyfriend as he feels it is selfish for him to put his boyfriend at risk. Yes, his boyfriend knows my son is positive.If my son's viral load is low does this reduce the chance of infection from this accident?I told my son that his boyfriend has stayed with him knowing he is positive and he need not stop the relationship. . He thinks it is selfish to have his boyfriend stay in a risky relationship. I advised him that he needs to talk this out and give his partner a chance to decide also. My son thinks that if his partner's MD has him take the medications to prevent HIV that his boyfriend will be so upset he will want out of t he relationship anyway, after all the side effects of the meds. I think my son is just so very scared that he has caused an infection in someone he cares about. Can anyone give me any advice? I think this was a good place to post this concern as one of you may have gone through something similiar and can give me some input. Thank you. I am sad for my son as I kn ow he is feeling so alone and does not want to cause any harm to anyone else.

There is only "safer sex" I have learned this very well. My partner is HIV negative, and I have been positive since 1985. In all that time, we never encountered a broken condom. He has never had to go on PEP. But, much of what we do sexually has changed through the years, because I intend on keeping him negative,and healthy,... so we try to keep the risk factor as minimal as possible., but try to keep each other sexually fullfilled. Other risks factors also, determine what we may do sexually.

He feels that he has to stop the relationship for the sake of his boyfriend as he feels it is selfish for him to put his boyfriend at risk. Yes, his boyfriend knows my son is positive.

I know exactly how your son feels, I've been there. It is precisely the way I felt many years ago, when I tested positive. I told my partner back then, that it was probably best that he move on, well,... we are still together, through the bad and the good. We're there for each other. Close to 27 years together.I will probably private message you with more information, but your son's relationship, with his BF does not have to end, but your son and his partner have got to be completely aware of the risk involved.(which I am sure they both were)

It's going to take a lot of communication and understanding, between you son and his BF. Your son needs to be open and honest about his feelings, and his needs just as his BF, needs to be open and honest, about his feelings and needs and his fears. There can't be any holding back here ! I encourage you son and his BF to keep talking, and be there for each other.

But, we need to take it one step at a time. And the first thing to do, is to get your sons BF to a doctor, so that a determination can be made. Hopefully this has already occurred or is in the process.

Listen, the things you have presented here, are things that many of us have had to live and deal with for years. My sweetie was HIV- when we met 19 years ago, and he still is. Like Ray, I have also had my share of feelings about the tremendous responsibility that the HIV+ partner must carry in a serodiscordant relationship, but let me tell you and your son, the work and time is totally worth the effort.

To say that the relationship should end because of the danger, is not fair to either your son or his partner. I would strongly advise that they both work this out and have a real sitdown talk about how they are going to face the future; that under any circumstances is not a guarantee. Unfortunately these days, the world isn't exactly a nirvana of healthy societies, and to place limitations on relationships due to things that can be controlled and can be dealt with, is just one more negative thing to place in the mix. I hope this isn't too confusing, but please let them know that the happiness we find in this life is very tenous at best, and we need to nurture relationships and help them grow healthy and happy. This can only be done if both parties are communicating and growing together. This means that your son will have to face the reality that he is indeed HIV+ for life and his partner has to also see the same facts. Also, if his partner has come to a place of comfort with the discordance, then your son should accept that and move on.

I hope this isn't too awfully confusing, but please re-assure him that he needs to come to a place of comfort with this relationship, and this cannot be accomplished by himself, it must include his partner.

Love,

Logged

The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,and 362 to heterosexuals.This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals, It's just that they need more supervision.Lynn Lavne

Thank you so much for your input. I tried to let my son know that he needs to talk with his boyfriend and should not make the decision for both of them. I know that if my son ends the relationship he will be very sad. His boyfriend is totally aware of the risks and he remained in the relationship with my son after the initial diagnoses. J.R.E...I look forward to any advice you are thinking of sending me via private message as you indicated in your post.

Thank you so much for your input. I tried to let my son know that he needs to talk with his boyfriend and should not make the decision for both of them. I know that if my son ends the relationship he will be very sad. His boyfriend is totally aware of the risks and he remained in the relationship with my son after the initial diagnoses. J.R.E...I look forward to any advice you are thinking of sending me via private message as you indicated in your post.

MotherI think we POZ guys are probably more paranoid about partners converting than the partners themselves. I too agree your son should talk with his bf. Sounds like the bf is a wonderfully caring man and will just do what he has to do.Does the bf have a gay bro?

Just another POV if it helps. i've been in two relationships whilst poz. One for two years and the tail end (a year) of the ltr I was in when I became infected. we've all been lucky, and careful and both my ex and current partner are negative. My current bf has had to do PEP once, I agree, not nice, but your sons partner sounds like a good guy, and I'm sure he took on all that goes with being with a poz partner when they got together. I think its true that those of us who are positive do fret and stress about infecting our loved ones because of the guilt that would entail, and the fact that we of all people know how hard this thing can be. BUt, as others have said, the doc's the best place to go.Yet again, whilst I'm female, you're welcome to ask anything you want, or just to come and chat about how it affects you...hes lucky to have a mum like youLove to you all, please let us know how things gox

Logged

I know i'm going to enjoy the party in the afterlife, but do you all mind that I'm going to be VERY late!!!

Don't give up. I've been pos for 16 yrs and am on the original meds i was put on then, but I won't lie, I think about it everyday. Wondering when the day will come that my numbers drop. My partner stuck with me after I tested pos and him neg., he went with me and assured me everthing would be ok. He quit his mgr job and went back to school for nursing classes so that he would be able to care for me if/when I got sick. So there is lots of HOPE out there. Just keep your head up. Steve

it is not just him feeling scared of giving it to his lover, it is also that he has it and some people arentsure if the person feels obligation and your son may feel his friend is doing him a favor.,the other thing is that when you are with someone neg. we can be selfish. we know what having this is like and even though we love that person enough not to risk his life, we are risking theirs livesevery time we make ourselves believe that that person will be alright. but as calm as things mayget it is always in our mind that we shouldnt be doing this and we know it.let your son handle his own business. pain comes with life. let them work it out. we dont reallymind being alone if we know we did the right things. you dont really know how his friend feelsnor your son. this is really up to you son. let him do what he feels is best for them.

Hi there, I see that you have gotten a good bit of support from others and that is a good thing. I was diagnosed in the late 80's while my partner was getting sicker and sicker. The only drug available at that time was AZT and that did nothing but make him worse. The hard part was when he came to blame me for his infection and ended the relationship. Fortunately I was a slow progressor and didn't start meds until 3tC and d4t had just appeared on the scene. Those two kept things under control for a very long time, even with side effects like peripheral neuropathy probably from the d4t, but after a time that went away. The two of those kept my viral load undetectable, which at the time meant under 400 and my CD4 count stayed in the 300-400 range. A year or so ago my viral load was easing up over 50 and my doctor switched me to a combination of Truvada and Sustiva. This brought things back under control and I moved on to Atripla as soon as it was available. Viral load is consistently below 50 and my CD4 count is still in the three to four hundred range, and this is with just one pill per day. There were all sorts of rumours about Sustiva causing bizarre dreams and I was actually looking forward to that - I'm one of those people who thoroughly enjoyed LSD way back when - but disappointingly other than a few dreams with amusing content it didn't have any effects of that type. Through this whole experience I have been very faithful in taking my meds on time, though I five myself an hour's leeway now in the evenings and in all these 20+ years I haven't been sick at all. A couple of years ago I let my weight go up to about 230 pounds and during that time I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Fortunately - in retrospect - I fell and broke my jaw during that time when my insulin resistance had gotten so high that I was having to use over 100 units of insulin per day, and with my jaw wired shut I was able to start losing weight. I also broke some teeth in the fall so it was still not easy to eat after the jaw recovered and since then I have maintained fairly low food consumption. I am now down to about 135 pounds which is ten pounds less than I weighed when I finished high school and the truly remarkable thing is that I no longer have to use any insulin at all though I still do check my blood sugar regularly. At any rate, take heart, though way back when the progression to AIDS was quite common and truly terrible, current medications mean that you don't really have to worry about that if you have a good doctor, access to the prescribed meds and the will power to be consistent in their use. I feel as healthy today as ever and I'm almost 57 years old, when the body is supposed to start wearing out anyway. I live a thoroughly normal life, though the fact that I don't drink or smoke by choice, my blood pressure is in the low normal range and I hardly ever even have colds. The moral of all this verbosity is that you really don't have anything to worry about, though you might take care not to engage in activities that might infect someone else. If you don't have insurance then by all means sign up for assistance covered by the Ryan White act. Some meds are still quite expensive but there are op portunites out there that can help you. In my case it will more than likely be something like a heart attack that finally takes me out. What's most amazing to me is that I'm actually finding myself getting old and that is an odder experience than the HIV ever has been, other than way in the past when I saw my partners body consumed with nothing to do about it. Times have changed at least in this country so that I'd say that you'll more than likely have a very long and productive life if you just put your mind to it. Good Luck.

This is a great topic.I am a married straight male who has been blessed with a neg. wife she new about my infection before we got married.Kristen (my wife) has been the most supporting person in my life. I draw alot of my courage and will to live from her.

If your sons bf has no issues with his hiv neither should he. Stand up end enjoy the journey of life.

Hi I just ran across this and I just had to give you my e-mail address in case you need to talk to someone that has lived with this gift that we have been giving, I call it a gift because that's the way another friend of mine put's it and it feels better.... I have been positive for about 27 years now and I have had a time or two that I did not want to live but I found out that God has a purpose for me to keep on going and to be honest I'm very glad that I have because my life is so much better now and this illness is no longer a death warrant just a way of life, of course you have to take care of yourself and most important stay away from Drugs, they will only make you worse..ok my e-mail address is mglyl@yahoo.com but please let me know that your from poz because if I do not know who you are i'll spam it,, ok bye for now and may God bless you always PRMike