You see, I hate insects of all kinds. They’re so alien, so un-human, so soulless. There’s nothing about an insect you can identify with on a personal, emotional level. You look in to a dog’s eyes and you see a flicker of life. Same with a cat, and a horse, and any number of animals we keep as pets. Bugs, though – them shits are bunch of Satans. You look at them and you just know they want to burrow in to your skull and do nefarious bug activities in your brain pan. I don’t know what a nefarious bug activity might be, but if I were to take a wild guess, I’d say robbing an orphanage of its books, food, and the children’s collective hope of finding a new, loving family.

Goddamn, I hate bugs.

So, imagine how many pounds of feces my boxer briefs were filled with when I found out that the Giant Weta is a real thing that lives on earth. If you’re having trouble remembering what the Giant Weta looks like, I will supply you with a picture. But I don’t want to look at the picture because I don’t like having day-mares while I’m awake, as they can lead to mild to moderate screaming with an 83% chance of jumping out of windows. I have an image of the Giant Weta saved on my desktop, along with a few other random images, and I’m going to attempt to select the image of the Giant Weta without looking at the screen.

The Giant Weta is the world’s heaviest insect. It weighs more than a sparrow and about as much as three mice. It eats entire carrots. It’s about as large as an adult human male’s hand. It bathes in torment. It sings jaunty songs of blood and entrails.

The Giant Weta was discovered by an American park ranger upon a visit to New Zealand’s Little Barrier Island, an island that should be launched in to the sun.

Thankfully for humans, the Giant Weta is only found on Little Barrier Island. But the thing is, Nature, it shouldn’t be found at all. It shouldn’t be alive. It shouldn’t even be dead. It should never have been a thing. It’s like you peered in to the collective insecurities and fears of mankind and you pieced together a little bit of everything that makes us cry. Then you tossed that mixed salad of tears and fears in to the oven and out came the Giant Weta.

According to this Daily Mail article, the Giant Weta was able to become giant because it has no natural predators. There are no animals in the Giant Weta’s natural habit that are able to kill this thing. Or maybe there just aren’t any animals that are willing to kill this thing. Therefore, I propose we, as a collective species on a quest for self-preservation, introduce a new species of animal to Little Barrier Island; a species I feel can efficiently eradicate the Giant Weta.

I feel there is no greater natural predator for the Giant Weta than missiles.

Big goddamn missiles that spray fire and explosions all over things – things like the Giant Weta. If we were to find a way to introduce wild, feral missiles in to the Giant Weta’s ecosystem, we would be able to whittle down the Giant Weta population significantly, within days. Yeah, we run the risk of the missiles taking over the island and eventually becoming a whole new problem of their own, as they wander off land and explode passing ships — but personally, I’d rather die drowning after a feral missile blows a massive hole in to my ship’s hull than live a normal life in which I live for many, many years but at one point in my life a Giant Weta was on my body for, like, a second and caused me no harm whatsoever. And this is coming from a person that once actually drowned and needed mouth-to-mouth and chest compressions to pull me from the brink of death. I’d rather go through that shit again than have one of these giant demons living on the same planet as I do, even if I never see one in person.

Nature, please, take my request in to consideration. In return, we’ll clean up the oceans and stop global warming and all that shit we’ve been meaning to do. We’ll do it, I swear! It’s right here on our day planner, right after “Read 2 Chapters of Twilight: Breaking Dawn” and just before “Find suitcase full of money”.