Tuesday, January 15, 2008

living on the edge

It's 12:30 in the AM and I sat staring at my blog. My eyes fell upon the caption to the side, "My name is Jen. I live on the edge of reality." And i thought about what this means, exactly. This is a quote. Well, almost. My sister Ashley told me once that I lived on the edge of reality. She explained, "I mean, you're IN reality.. but juuust barely." It's kind of true. Why? What does this mean? Well, sometimes my mind is quite elseplace. I say "quite" because it can really wander to who knows where. Far far away. Why? Am I a dreamer? Do i just have a deficit of attention? I don't know.

Also, I often talk to myself. My dad does this and while i think it's fun and endearing to have this commonality, i fear that maybe we're just both weirdos. Sorry Dad. But I really do talk to myself. What I'm doing is, I like to replay conversations i've had and i act them out. Why? Again, I don't know. But i'll do it outloud and be in the moment and even laugh and make the appopriate gestures and expressions. And i'll do it anywhere.. in my home, out walking, the grocery store, etc. What a freak, right? And I'll catch myself doing it, startled, and look around wondering if anyone saw.

Sometimes weird things come out of my mouth. I'd like to think i'm a smart articulate person but often times, things come right out before i give them much thought. I think I fit in with society pretty well but I really can say odd things at random moments. I wish i had more examples of this. I'll let you know if i think of any.

Sean said that in some ways it's like being a spectator, watching the universe from my own separate universe. We're both trying to decide if i act spacey. I do have moments, like i said, where I check out of conversations and let my mind wander, but I'm not sure if anyone knows this is happening. I don't look it. I don't act spacey. I'm just totally not there. Sean thinks it's funny how i said i'm not sure if anyone knows... as if they could be standing there waving their arms in my face and i have no recollection of this because I'm in Deep Space Nine. Ha. This could be true. Who could say? But i don't think they know because I come back to conversations, try to pretend I was there all along and that I know what's going on, and people are none the wiser. I seem to pull it off ok.

Hmm. Is all I'm saying is that I'm a bad listener? Maybe, but not on purpose. Maybe you're just boring, did you ever think of that? Sorry. Jerky Jen just appeared. And now i have multiple personality disorder. Wow, so many dimensions to this whole "living on the edge of reality" thing. Guess we all know what that means. Time for bed. Good night.

Wow, i don't know. I think I do it mostly when I'm alone.. it's very subtle. But i know i've done it when i could be seen, like outside walking around. So keep your eyes out and you will probably catch me doing it. Sometimes i'll be doing it at home and Sean will catch me and say "who ya talkin' to, Jen?" It was nice of him to marry such a crazy lazy. What a good soul.

I don't usually talk to myself out loud, but I frequently play future conversations in my head. This can get me in trouble sometimes, though, because I'll imagine that if someone reacts in a certain way, I'll say this. But sometimes if I think they'll react badly, I'll get all mad about it before they've even done it! I'm trying to break myself of that particular aspect. Anyways, hope you slept well! :0)

aw, thanks. :) you are swell too. and we should all say the word "swell" more often. I have been paying more attention and I think i might do it the most often when i'm out walking by myself. Activities where you can get lost in thought. But i did to it in church today too... hmm..