Julian Assange wins FSB employee of the month

Julian Assange has explained that he is happy to be awarded FSB’s employee of the month for July award.

The Russian secret service organisation said in a statement, “Wikileaks and Mr Assange have been most helpful for the Russian people.

Their release of an out of context, partial statement made by Robert Meuller that made it look like he has colluded with our Government has helped deflect attention from our involvement with the Trump campaign. It may even help us in ultimately getting him sacked.

Then there were the newest Clinton revelations. They were excellent at deflecting attention.

What we need is for the attention to be deflected enough that people focus on something other than Trumps alleged collusion with us. Then we might be able to get him to lift the sanctions.

Mr Assange’s image as being a fighter against the US Government’s corruption is useful for us. It means that many activists will believe any old shit Wikileaks puts out without questioning it. That’s a real help for our aims as they’ll think they’re being rebellious and pressure the US Government which will help us.
Dumb asses.”

Mr Assange said, “I am happy to get some recognition. Where I live the only recognition I get is when I see myself in the mirror. The vodka will be useful and the picture of Vladimir Putin on a horse has made my wall less dreary.

A wig, false moustache, false passport and a cake with a file in would be more helpful. Then a flight to Moscow would be nice. I’m hoping that if I win employee of the year and get a 5 on my overall performance score then that will be the case.

That’s how Ed Snowden got where he is today. We both joined the FSB at the same time and he’s a team leader now. There’s no reason I couldn’t do that.”