Choosing Joy

I remember the day, back when I was still married and living with my ex, sleeping in the guest room, when I had the epiphany one morning of realizing that I was mistaking the absence of pain, or drama, or fear for happiness. I remember quite clearly, the moment, looking through my closet when that thought just popped up in my head and I stopped and sat down on my bed and said to myself, (maybe out loud) that I wanted JOY. I was sick of misery, and sick of being content with having days that weren’t miserable but were far from joyful.

Thus began my long arduous quest to find joy in my life. And I have found it.

It wasn’t easy, there were a few more years of that marriage, because I had to put together a plan and I had to free my then teen-age son as well as myself. Then, I moved out into my own place and fought the epic 4 year battle to end that marriage and get what was mine. The battle ended up in Supreme Court of the CT, in a decision in which the judges called my ex “unconscionable” multiple times. Through that journey I began to find joy. Little bits at first, but joy. Joy of being free, of finding a spiritual path that works for me, joy of having friends, and the biggest joy of my son walking away from that miserable place to my house, literally.

My path eventually led me to Florida, where I remember a year ago saying to my older sister, “I’ve never been so consistently happy in my life as I am now.” And it got even better. After a bad first post-divorce relationship that in hindsight made me more miserable and after meeting a number of frogs (and kissing a few) that were never going to be princes, I met Dan. I never dreamed life could be so good. I’m not saying that life doesn’t have it’s challenges, that as Pollyanna-ish as I am that I don’t have lots of things to work through. Just saying on the grand scheme of things, I have more joy than anything else on any day.

So…when I saw the meme above, it struck a deep chord within me, because I was just breathing for a long time, and thinking life was ok, as I waited for the next round of misery. I thought I’d post the quote from Mary Oliver, here today. She is one of my favorite poets. Her poem The Journey is so much the story of my life. (See the poem here: http://www.phys.unm.edu/~tw/fas/yits/archive/oliver_thejourney.html . ) I know there are many who can relate, and maybe if they see this will recognize themselves and start to make the changes that will lead them to joy. We all deserve to be joyful. I don’t believe we were put on this earth to live and die in misery. We choose our path, so I just decided about 15 years ago to choose joy. We all have that choice.