Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Right Before Cake Boss.

I actually wrote this a while ago and decided it was too offensive to post. I've since decided I was right. Enjoy.
I was recently watching Little People, Big World on TLC because I’m a whore for reality TV. And midgets. And midget whores.

That reminds me! A friend of my sister's gave me a midget porn DVD for Christmas. She told me I could re-gift it. Eff that! I just mix it in with my other DVDs to see if anyone will notice.

The dad was all pissed off because the kids weren’t doing their chores and the house was a mess. He’s flailing his little arms and he goes, “What, do I have to do everything around here??” It was hilarious. A midget that does everything? Midgets barely do anything! They’re always asking for help! Reaching high shelves, finishing porterhouse steaks, crossing the street...

... Actually, that last one might just be toddlers, but they’re often mistaken for each other. If a toddler ever asks you for help crossing the street, ask to see some ID. They might just be a lazy midget pretending to be a leprechaun.

Back to the show.

The dad’s all, “Who drank my last Diet Pepsi?!” and the kids are all denying it and laughing at him because a) he’s angry about Diet Pepsi and b) he’s a midget. Have you ever seen an angry midget? They’re downright comical. Then he threatens to hit one of the kids with his crutch, before finally discovering his wife actually drank the last Diet Pepsi! God, I hope she’s quick on her feet. He’s downright deadly with those crutches. You’ve seen his book, right?

Honestly, doesn’t Matt Roloff look kinda like a midget version of Richard Gere?

I would love to see a movie where Richard Gere drinks this magic potion and gets turned into a midget, and Matt Roloff would play the midget version of Richard Gere - but Richard Gere would obviously do the ADR for his midget self because Matt Roloff doesn’t sound anything like Richard Gere.

These are the kind of thoughts that keep me from getting ahead in life.