ALL. Absolutely all. Except blind men. And they enjoy it, therefore they watch it. If Shaolin monks had Kazaa, they would type in "The Hot Chick" to act as if they are downloading a decent movie, but actually they gei gei click on the "Blonde hot chick get fucked muliple times" movie when you turn your back away from the screen. Ok, maybe the shaolin monks would download Huang Fei Hong - The Movie, first. THEN "THE HOT CHICK".

Digressing a little, let's talk about being fucked by a lot of people at one time. Now, how is that possible?

I once watched this porn flick which is EXTREMELY funny. I must say, the director is very creative.

There was this blonde girl with big tits lying naked on a table, just lying there like a dead fish?

Suddenly, six burly men appeared out of nowhere. They started to strip. And then they started to brush their teeth. Kidding, they didn't brush their teeth.

First guy takes her in her privates.

Second guy takes the mouth.

3rd and 4th guy gets a handjob.

AND THE LAST TWO PUT THEIR DICKS IN BETWEEN HER TOES!!! And can you believe they had to fuck her feet until they cum???

DAMN FUNNY SIA!!! Somemore, the toe-fuckers had to pretend as if it is damn shiok to toe-fuck!! You see their fake expressions, damn funny!! "Woooh, It feels so good, my penis is in between toes!!!"

ALL MEN WATCH PORN. Ugly men, fat men, stupid men, presidents, taxi drivers, nasi lemak guy, ah beng, ah beng, Brad Pitt, etc, ALL WATCH PORN. Just like of all them masturbate. Men who say they don't, are liars.

What's there not to like about porn? Even the most "satisfied" man possibly not be able to fulfil all his sexual fantasies. Let's talk about, say, JLo's husband, while we assume that JLo is the sexiest woman alive (she is not, but I say ASSUME).

So, the person fucking JLo would possibly be very happy. She is like, JLO LEH!

But, can JLo be a kinky blonde nurse tomorrow? Will she even swallow? Can she blow well? Possibly can't fulfil all those fantasies So, the next best thing this man can do, is to watch porn.

Which you would realise by now, that watching a blonde nurse swallow would possibly not be as good as fucking JLo in real life.

So that's one major mistake I made. Big deal. So let's assume that this lucky man has JLo fulfilling all his sexual needs (Can you imagine JLo swallowing? I can't. She looks like the kind who will kick your ass if you dare ask her to swallow. Like, "ME, JLO, SWALLOW? WHY, JUST BECAUSE MY NAME RHYMES? NO WAY! I AM JENNY FROM THE BLOCK YOU KNOW!") and he does not desire to watch porn.

But, hand him a video cam and JLo's consent, and you can be sure as hell he would film it down, because IT WAS SO GOOD!

And then, when he watches the video he recorded, AHA THERE YOU HAVE IT! HE'S WATCHING PORN!! So all men watch porn - it's not a fallacy at all.

Stop being politically correct and agree with me, NOW! Even the girls!!

There�s this new thing at Mos Burger that is possibly the next best thing since tampons.

Frozen strawberries! Beautiful fingernails courtesy of Shuyin.

Lookie what�s inside!

So yummy! The strawberry, succulent and fresh, is half-coated with creamy white chocolate, and the interior of the strawberry is filled with condensed milk � smooth and wet! I like! Oh yeah the ugly nail belongs to me.

And of course, the best thing is that IT IS FUCKING CHEAP!!!!!!!!!! Like, ridiculously cheap! It's selling at three for $1!!! Any cheaper, and it would be Annabelle Chong!

What can you buy for $1? Take a smelly bus ride? Eat half a packet of chicken rice? Go to the Far East toilet five times?

I say, 3 Mos strawberries are more worth your money.

Shuyin takes a bite�

BRAINFREEZE!! What a spectacular Kodak moment.

*****

If anyone has noticed, Miss Selfridge is no longer available in Singapore! Which is good, considering I think Miss Selfridge sucks because the size 6s are forever unavailable (Cmon on, this is SINGAPORE and Asians are more petite. Who the hell would buy so many size 14s?) and it is too expensive anyway.

Replacing Miss Selfridge at the basement of Taka is this shop called Fox, which is pretty good!

Wong the Lawyer says that we should not buy clothes from there because it's from the Middle East, and the only good thing about Middle East is their camels. Actually she didn't say that but that's not the point. She just thinks Middle East stuff is cheap.

So anyway, nobody cared about what she said I bought a nice top from there! $20.

Lookie! It's so Mean Girls - if only I had the blonde hair and big boobs.

That's a pair of shorts, in case you are wondering. And yes, the belly's pierced.

I know it's a tad late, but I was sick, so yeah, here are the winners of the gmail accounts!

And because none of my friends approached me for a Gmail account, I shall give all FOUR to the blog readers to wrote such lovely entries!!! I'd love to be able to give out more because I feel that many of you guys put in a lot of effort, but I can't. If I get more invites, I will, ok? But meanwhile, I've got to stick to my criteria stated: The ones that make me laugh, and the ones that touched me the most!

Here goes:

1) Steph (Alot of Stephs so that's quite anonymous right?)

I do not really know where to start, but firstly Xiaxue, do pardon my limited vocabulary and spelling mistakes if there were any.

I cannot describe how much I love you, because I do not know you in person. However, I love you as a blogger, and I love your blog entries, making it a point to read your entries everyday, though I do know that you do not blog everyday, I will click to your blog under my Favorites, and that's how engrossed I am into reading your blog.

I find you pretty, but that probably does not make me repeatedly got addicted to your blog- but it is the charm and how witty you are, that makes most of us- yeah! most of the blogders read your blog, and even your links, such as The FHM special and Character of My Life etc. Yeah, i own a blog, and probably i would not have done such a good job as how you did.
I have yet to see you in real life, but if there is a chance, being your friend would be fun!

I remember the times when the blogders, us, have spent with Xiaxue, you, throughout the Singtel competition, my DreamDate and i thought you are really good! Though the other competitors thought that you were not the type of person who could really get in because they could not get along with you, the competition is not about how pretty one could be, or how strong one's English is, or how friendly they are when they meet the public, but how their blog impress and change life of any individual.

It's about the blog and the blogger, not just the blogger himself or herself.

How i got to know your blog is, that i looked through friendster and saw a pretty-girl face photo, and decided to click on the link to your friendster acc out of curiosity and viola! I got into your blog and started reading, chuckling, bursting to tears of laughter and yeah! your blog brighten up my day.

That was 3 months ago. I did read through your achives since i was having a long holiday, and they were very well written.

I do not think you are someone who writes without sympathy, remember the girl who got a terminal illness or something and got to have an operation? By that post, im sure we can see you are not mean, Not even close to mean. I am very touched by that post, and i still think that those blogders who tried to "anti-xiaxue" or try to hate you for what you are, do not understand you at all, and do not accept you the way you really are.

Actually i wanted to write an entry to make you burst out laughing , but nah, i think these words do come from the bottom of my heart.

I guess this is getting long, it's 12.39Am, i don't really uh-huh, wanted to get the gmail, but just wanting to send my thoughts and feelings as a blogder and supporter,

She's fat, ugly and bitchy. She drools over cute guys. She is proud of the fact that she deploys words including but not limited to

boobs
sluts
vixiens
bitch
dick
cock

She admits with pride that an orgasm is the most beautiful thing on earth. She dares troublefanners to suck her cock (Not that she has one anyway). She hisses with sharp sarcasm and snaps mercilessly at people who stepped on her pretty toes. She is unabashed to post her photos online, and stamped every uploaded photo with an integrated striking 'xiaxue.blogspot.com' tag on it. Some people hate her, but most Singaporean blog readers love her (blog). Xiaxue, a nickname more popular than the owner's own has thousands of blog-fans at her site-step daily.

Some models can cry when they read her harsh entries that accentuates on their tummy fats, breast size, make up and credibility, while celebrities to the likes of Jack Neo condemned via XXPBA (XiaXue Public Blogger Avenue). Her vivid imagination and creativity tarnish the reputation of Lili Potter (mother of Harry Potter), when she commented upon Sirius.

Have you seen this wizard indeed! Of course not, he's definitely no Brad Pitt! Look, in Order of The Phoenix, Sirius was described as being a total hunk in school.

He was in fact, so hunky, that Lily Potter tried to seduce him by engorgio-ing her breasts, but failed because there were too many girls using the same trick, and stuck to James Potter instead.

And cleverly asserts her defamation with 2 words, "Just kidding"

But she deserves credit for her blogs, and her site statistics show. You cannot deny that her daring, rebellious and refreshing views on her life events is what brought her to fame. Who cannot, but be astounded by a 20 year old girl that have no qualms about revealing publicly that she came up with a secret subtle method (for girls who have nothing better to do), imparted via a photo demonstration online to measure the length of a guy's penis anytime, anywhere, without any physical instrument?

Her loyal blog fans defended her entries like an iron wall when just a while ago, a troublefanner harassed her site nonstop. And when she miss blogging for a few days, her fans wait loyally for her, to the likes of

"Hmm......right here waiting"
"finally!!! *waits in anticipation. oh btw, a new 'blogder' here~ just read a couple of entries and i'm a fan! :)"

and as if nothing had happened, posted two lengthy blogs to feed the craving of her XXPBA-addicted fans. She showcased again her photo-journalised blog entries, making sure that any photos with her inside has been edited to perfection, from boob size, background colour, skin tonality etc. Her flair in photo-editing has earned her countless applause and accolade from her fans that never ceased to be amazed by her works. In a recent blog, she portrayed two of her best pals as CLEO cover girls that looked as if she stole an advert from the cosmetic company. She must have realised the danger of posting it just there, just that, and thus posted a series of photos that started from its orginal unaltered state to the finished product.

To conclude, you either love her or hate her. There's no in between. This little chilly brat has a knack for getting onto people's nerves. If you visit her site, respect her views as an individual rebel who gives fresh perspective and life to her readers. If you find her blogs downright disgusting and defamotary in nature, just erase her URL address off your mind. When one day you realise that you can't resist the temptation to find out what she's up to, visit her site to find out that you are her latest victim, my advice for you is to brush her comments off and laugh along with her fans. There's nothing much you can do unless you really believe your reputation is worth that hassle, trouble and cost of calling a law suit against her brash remarks. Unless of course, you want to set up an anti-XXPBA blog which I believe the challenge lies in building up your blog-readership statistics. *wink

I am not fat hor!!!! I am not fat!

3) EijiMiyake

i have hairy nipples and i like monkeys. please give me the gmail invite.

if you don't, i will post more disgusting facts about my body and expound on my illicit love of chimps EVERY DAY until you turn 60. your readers will screw up their faces, say "Ewwww!" and never come back to xiaxue.blogspot.com. Your popularity will drop to the level of david hasselhoff, and your budding career as a writer will be ruined. You will end up as a scriptwriter at mediacorp, where they will force you to write scripts for dramas set in the Japanese Occupation until you retire. In your depression, you will turn to Ruffles Cheddar & Sour Cream, and end up fat as a blimp. Worst of all, you will cease to shave your legs because... "nobody cares anymore".

Hark, Readers! Don't blame wendy for thinking of her future. It's for your own good too! Can you imagine XX in that delicious skirt from the heeren.... WITH LEG HAIR?! For the greater good, people, for the greater good...

Do the right thing sweetie.

Alright, you get the gmail account, only because I am so scared of you. Please, no more details about chimps! Nooooo!!!

Apparently, the ever so FUNNY XiaXue (*cough*sucking-up*cough*) is giving away Gmail accounts. But there's a catch. Yeap, nothing comes free these days. They make you sweat and pay for every single thing you wish to own. They make you moan while they rape your insides, just so you can fukkin own a GMAIL ACCOUNT! HaH! SO back on topic. She giving away gmail accounts, but whoever wants one has to write uh... wait... something? What was it again? I'll check later.

You know why? Because Gmail accounts are cool. And when I have a Gmail account, I GET TO BECOME COOL. Look around. Look at those smirky assed-up Gmail account holders. They have something special about them. Can't you see? They have that aura. That "special" thing, y'all. The kinds you see in godly figures. Like Buddha for instance. You know, that yellow shinning thing behind him? No it's not a light bulb shinning, stupid. You know what is it?

It's Gmail coolness, baby.

Click to enlarge. I know you want to.

I want to be just like that. Like Buddha-Gmail-coolness. And the fact that I've already said millions of times that I wish to become a powerful figure, me owning a Gmail account will definitely aid my journey towards attaining Godly powers. MWAHAHAHA!

I don't know how 1 gig of email space will make me cool, but TRUST ME. IT DOES and IT WILL. Oh, and I get to store huge mailed porn without deleting them too. That is until my 1 gig runs out. YAY!

Whoops? I checked and I realised that I was actually supposed to write about this:-
"Tell me why you read my blog and why I am, like, the best blogger ever! Ha ha!"
Uh... okay... nevermind! I can still do this.

Why I think XiaXue is the best blogger ever?
She's the best blogger ever mainly because right now I need to suck-up to her to get that Gmail account. Hah! And didn't I mention that Gmail account holders are cool? She's a Gmail user so that's why Xiaxue the BESTEST blogger ever. She has that buddha-Gmail-coolness thing going on. Oh, she's a biAtch too. BiAtches are fun. XiaXue makes the world a happier place to live in. Lalalala.

Okay. There you have it. My entry. I've just wasted an hour figuring out what to write and now I need to go finish my work. So, fuk you (XiaXue) for making me do this. Haha.

Let's just hope now that she's actually reading this. Hmmm...

Super, super funny. You get a gmail account. I love the drawing.

There you go, I told you it's good to be a XIAXUE BLOGDER!

Winners please email me, xiaxue@gmail.com, to get you account! Asap, coz the good names are being snatched up!

We're all waiting for Paris Hilton to topple the entire Hilton empire if that's possible (because too much fucking/drugs/cigs caused her brains to fry up), but meanwhile, we all want to look at her, don't we?

Come on. That perfectly manicured head - golden body and shiny blonde hair ... Plus all the nice clothes, accessories, and ... dog. I can't have enough of Paris.

So anyway, in half an hour (10pm), we'll see Paris-the-slut and Nicole-the-slut on Channel 5's A Simple Life!!!

To give you interesting prelude, here's a pic of Nicole's BOOBS, and Paris', erm, pussy. God, why didn't she wear a panty? Isn't it very unhygenic? I hope she kanna PERIOD, then she can go and die if she can't find a tampon but only a pad. Ha ha ha ha! Courtesy of one great site, www.bookofjoe.com.

Alright. It's porn. So you kids keep out please! I was surfing awfulplasticsurgery.com and one thing lead to another la. But it's too juicy not to share right? *smiles*

I'm gonna get myself comfy to watch the show - I heard Paris doesn't know what a chequebook is. Dumb blonde!! Pass the ruffles, someone!

p/s: Lindsey Lohan is a slut.

She wore this outfit to church!!!!

See the cigerette? If she is my kid, I will really SLAP her. Wake her up. She is 17, and she is fucking (Aaron Carter I heard), smoking, and she already had her boobs done, and nose fixed.

p/p/s: Thanks a lot for all the encouragements!! *muacks* It's a pity I went to the test very discouraged coz I only managed to see the first few comments before I left.

But anyway, I think I did well. At least, it was a subject our paper has wrote about before, so yeah - don't need to think much, just regurgitate everything. Lucky huh? Bet the Masters students can't conjure a better article than me.

There will be proof-reading, in which I will fail. But, great news is, I have a sense of humour. And I am accustomed to writing for MediaCorp, and also for the web.

I really really want to get this job, so please please wish me ALL THE BEST k? I need the luck - I realised that Cheryl Tan has MASTERS, so for them to downgrade to a Diploma student, I must be nothing less than brilliant. (Either that or they pay me far lesser than her lor ... )

And I suppose I would have to fight some other Masters applicants as well. But have they interned in MediaCorp? Were they ever a journalist? Have they reported before? No. So I have an edge.

In the case where nobody writes in, I shall write myself a fan mail and make myself laugh, and get 2 more gmail accounts, although no one can possibly fill up 5 gigs of email space even if they keep all their spam.

Application closes on the magic hour of 12 midnight on June 18 (which actually means it is June 19).

Best of luck!

p/s: You can either write it on ur blog and gimme the link, or send me a mail, or write it on the comments link provided. If you want to remain anonymous, tell me.

Please do not laugh at me, I am a delicate stuff toy. My name is Syphilis.

I said do not laugh anymore.

I was bought from a toy store called Mini Toons at the very irritating second floor of Cineleisure.

Digressing a little, I would like to comment that Cineleisure has the most irritating escalator system EVER because you have to walk one big round (around 2.4 km) to get the to upriding escalator to go to the third floor. And then you reach the escalator, you will even have to say a secret password which changes every five seconds to go up, so there�s no point.

In fact, the 2.4km could be reduced a little if you can go through that caf� or cut through Pasta Mania � BUT NO! They want you to walk your life out!

Pasta Mania people say they don�t want passers-by disturb their clients� pasta meals, but that�s absolute bullocks because even the customers are not allowed to pass through the holy gates.

So anyway, I was the last of my type of stuff toys (we are called Baby Cinnamons[seriously]) with a pink ribbon being sold when Xiaxue the bitch walked in.

She looked at me, and said, �Wow, you are darn cute!�

With that, she poked me around a little, and bought me for $12.50. Or around that price.

After looking at these two guys at the press conference she attended, I was bought home.

And I was introduced to Herpes � Xiaxue�s pink nodding toy.

�Say hi to Herpes,� she said to me, while I tried in vain to get away from the infected creature. I forgot I�m a stuff toy and I can�t move.

Herpes continued to nod its round pink head.

�I decided I shall name all my toys STDs,� Xiaxue announced to me cheerfully, as if it�s perfectly usual, giving obscene names to stuff toys.

Come to think of it, Syphilis is really a nice name. I think that if it doesn�t not really give the image that it means the penis swell up and spurt yellow pus, people might actually forgive the fact that it�s a STD and call their daughter Syphilis.

So anyway, she was prancing away in a nice dress that she bought.

$52 at this place outside Mango in Wisma, called Sugarlink. Can you believe the dress was an L? It was altered, Free-of-charge, to Xiaxue�s custom size. How cool is that?

I've been really busy recently, so I apologize for the lack of blogs these few days.

While I am writing up a more standard blog entry, here's a photolog for you guys!!!

*****

One fine sunny day, a certain Miss Eileen Tan had a sudden urge for foie Gras.

In fact, every other sunny day, she has carnal urges for foie gras - which for the less than French/knowledgeable/upper class, it actually a piece of fat goose liver.

What good is a piece of fat goose liver, you ask curiously. What about it makes Miss Tan crave for it so much? Why couldn�t she make do with just a limpy piece of chicken liver instead?

And why must the goose be fat? Does the world REALLY have something against fat people/gooses?

Ahh � If you ever get urself an authentic piece of pan-fried goose liver (I had my virgin piece at 15. Before you think I slept with someone rich, I would like to say that I stole it when I was working at a fancy French restaurant) for perhaps � $20? you would understand.

Smooth, and nothing like cheap pork liver (which has this bloody, sandy, liver taste), pan fried foie gras (pronounced fu-ah gu-ah [with a French accent mind you], according the French chef at the said restaurant I worked as) melts in your mouth as you achieve five orgasms in a row.

Alas! With the good comes the bad. Quality foie gras is made only when a most unfortunate goose is stuffed with lots of goose food to make it really fat so that it�s liver is really fat. I heard that foie gras gooses are being treated really cruelly � I think they get raped by ugly geese (at this point of time I realized that plural of goose is geese), and then have their feathers plucked and stuffed into their nostrils or something like that, but my memory is a little faded, so don�t trust me.

But anyway they are really poor things, the foie gras geese.

OH I SHOULDN�T EAT THEM, IT�s so CRUEL!

Who cares? Who ask them to be delicious. If they don�t want to be eaten, then stop being delicious, or learn to peck violently lor. (�If God doesn�t want animals to be eaten, then why did he make them out of meat?� � anonymous)

So anyway, here�s how a piece of goose liver looks like:

It looks pretty much like a normal piece of liver, except fat. In fact, I think my secondary school�s P.E teacher might have shoved the liver into the TAF club if it managed to get into RV with an amazing PSLE score like me (269!).

So anyway, may I bring your attention to that quiet piece of potato thingy behind the plate?

It�s really nice. And parsley sucks. It�s the worst food in the world.

Who�s the chef who galvanized the extra two orgasms?

May I present to you, celebrity chef Emmanuel Stroobant!!! All the way from Belgium!
(ME: �Can you sign my cr�me brulee please?� Stroo: *Nervous laughter*)

Is he cute, or is Edison Chen cute? (Yes yes yes, I�m hinting that I just saw him today � was sitting a metre away and looking like he wants to screw Maggie Q. Everybody looks like they want to screw Maggie Q. More about stars later)

Eileen pulled her childhood best friend Xiuling and me to St Pierre!! (Expensive French restaurant at Century Square area)

(Me: �OEI EILEEN YOUR CIGARETTE!!!� Eileen: �Oh ok ok, pose again.�)

Erm, that�s not a cigarette, kids. Don�t smoke. You will burn urself up accidentally � although that�s possibly all for the better.

CHEERS!!!!

HERE�S THE FOOD!!!

Complimentary piece of eel � not too good, it has bit of bones in it. I think people should genetically modify fishes so that they have no bones.

Seriously. If you were a fish, would you be so inconsiderate as to have bones? I mean, what if people choke?

Come to think of it, prawns should be modified till they have no shells as well. Discourteous and insensitive prawns � causing all those human arguments about prawn peeling. Have they no manners?

I have no idea how prawns can survive with no shells but I say they should stop being sissy and give it a try. I�m sure they will manage to work it out.

ONE WHOLE BIG LUMP of silky codfish! My favourite fish! Has anyone any idea how they look like alive? How can a fish be so delicious?!!

Xiuling biting on some golden mushrooms while I sink my teeth into a piece of under-cooked asparagus.

I�m sure you can�t get enough of my pictures so here�s one to interrupt the string of photos of food.

A piece of Grandma Stroobant FLOURLESS chocolate cake. How the hell do they make cake flourless??! See, if cakes can be flourless, prawns can be shell-less! It�s not far-fetched at all!

And lastly, to end the blog entry on a sweet note, here�s cr�me brulee:

In case you are wondering that the hell is that pink-green weird-looking thing on the brulee, it�s a freaking fig.

I�m full of useless information. I happen to know that figs are Sun Wukong�s favourite food (curse the person who told me this and made me never forget, thus taking up my brain�s memory space).