We’re sorry, internet, but this new Funny or Die video has figured out the way to absolutely make the new iPhone 6 completely hack-proof.

No more iCloud, no more internet. The un-hackable iPhone 6, says this short film, is just a phone. And it only calls your parents.

Watch below as the three “interviewees,” playing Apple software designers, get angrier and angrier in their explanation, which comes down to “this is why we can’t have nice things.” Warning – there are a few colorful descriptions of things members of 4chan (the group behind most of the iCloud hacking) might want on their phone, as well. If you’re easily offended, skip the video.

At a price of $3.2 billion, Beats Audio is the most Apple has ever paid to acquire a company in its 38 year history, but even after writing that fat check Apple will have nearly $148 billion in cash burning a hole in its pocket.

Tim Cook says he’s not afraid to go on a shopping spree, so what else should he buy while he’s tossing around mountains of cash at companies? The folks at Funny or Die have a few ideas of their own, including a $13 billion acquisition that could finally bring the iToilet to your bathroom in classic Apple white.

Ok, so the iPhone 5C isn’t really as cheap as everyone was hoping for, but hey, it’s got some really cool ugly rubber cases to protect that $549 plastic iPhone. Wall Street hasn’t been too stoked about the iPhone 5c’s price either, but maybe if Apple introduced the iPhone 5F – with Snake! – that stock price would have went through the roof today.

The delayed Steve Jobs biopic starring Ashton Kutcher and Josh Gadd will finally hit cinemas this August. Entitled JOBS, the movie was originally set for release back in April, but distributor Open Road Films put it on hold so that it could spend more time on marketing.

We get ca-rayyy-zee on this week’s CultCast, takin’ ’bout iPhone 5S’ rumored new camera; why megapixels don’t matter; Facebook Home coming to iOS; why teens really love Snapchat; and we review the new iSteve mockumentary—it’s either way better or way worse than you heard. Plus more!

Stream or download new and past episodes of The CultCast on your Mac or iDevice by subscribing now on iTunes, or hit play below and let the good times roll.