Anatomy of Parent Guilt

By Patricia Morgan

Why do many parents, mothers in particular, feel guilty when they take time for
themselves? First let’s examine the feeling of guilt. There is healthy and
unhealthy guilt. Healthy guilt has sadness underlying it, a sense of true regret for
a chosen behaviour that created harm or some problem, often for others.

Unhealthy guilt is a feeling of shame, that we aren’t OK as we are, that we should
be different than we are and should make different choices. We have beliefs like
“We should put everybody else first.” There are some healthy shoulds that are
actually values, virtues and morals in action. We really should look after the
earth, avoid racism and care for our elderly, disabled and disadvantaged. It is the
unhealthy shoulds that create the dis-ease and stress in ourselves and our
families.

Many parents believe they should make their children happy. They are told “You
make your children so happy” or “You broke her heart.” The reality is that we
have influence on one another, including our children, but we do not have the
power to MAKE anyone feel anything. We may trigger a reaction but there it
ends. Of course we aim to be sensitive to each other’s tender spots and choose
to use respectful language. John Gray in Men are from Mars, Women are from
Venus explains that men tend (there are exceptions) to have success feelings
when they think they made their wife and children happy. Meanwhile women tend
to feel responsible for everyone and all their feelings. Training of the female in
my era reinforced this habit. I remember my mother repeatedly giving me the
plate of sweets at socials with the instructions to “make sure everyone is happy
and has what they want.” She trained me to be on the watch for others’ needs,
not to consider taking a sweet for myself until others were looked after and not to
question that my brothers were off playing and “being boys.”

Then there are those voices of people from our past or in our circle with their
shoulds. “You should stay home with your children” or “You shouldn’t be staying
at home with children after your parents paid for all that education.” Don’t let
people should on you. Just because some people are uncomfortable with our
decisions does not mean that we should live our lives so they can feel right.

Moreover, observe and censor your own menu of shoulds. Being driven in life
through unhealthy, and usually meaningless, shoulds, can create resentment and
meaninglessness.

Here is an exercise to transform your guilt and unhealthy should messages into
self care.

1. Complete these two sentences as many times as you can.
I feel guilty about . . .
I feel guilty when . . .

2. Take each issue in the above sentences and complete the following
sentences.
a) What I resent (about other people’s behaviour, words, lack of support or
pressure) is . . .
b) What I regret (doing or not doing: saying or not saying) is . . .

3. Take you’re a) list of resentments and tell yourself. “I don’t have control
over other people. I will now let go.”

4. Take your b) list of regrets and complete the following sentence:
In order to take better care of myself from now on I will . . .