Step 4: The First Four Minutes

A man named Leonard Zunin wrote a book called Contact: The First Four Minutes. The main idea is that when couples are together after waking at the beginning of the day or after coming home from work at the end of the day, what happens during the first four minutes sets the tone for the rest of the day or the evening.

A young mother may be up to her earlobes in frustration after a hard day with the kids during which the sink overflowed and ruined someting. She cannot wait to vent to an adult, which will be her husband. Meanwhile, he has had a hard day and simply wants to unwind from the day's pressures. They need to make their first four minutes together a caring time. If they dump the day's garbage on each other during that first four minutes, the rest of the evening will be filled with withdrawal and cold silence at best, or heated arguing at the worst.

A friend told me his wife often dumped on him the moment he came home. It was setting a bad and unhappy tone in their marriage. I told him about Zunin's book and gave him my copy. When I saw him again a couple of months later he told me that book had made a very beneficial improvement in their marriage.

The green wedge super-imposed over the watch face represents four minutes. That is only 240 seconds.

Gee, I never thought of this subject for an Instructible. <br> <br>I met my Wife-to-be in 12 grade school, she told a friend I was Mr Right, and she was going to marry me. She told me the same on about date 19. It was about 18 months of working out all the details. That all started in back in 1968. It has been fun, I have enjoyed it 99.98% of the time. We just work out the little problem, even when at first they don't seen so small, a year later they do. We have two Great kids, and four Great Grand kids. <br> <br>Her Parents had been married twice each by the time we meet, My Parents did 52 years together. We are shooting for 60 years at this time. Then we may aim at a new target. No sure, just have to wait and see. <br> <br>Jake

Jake,<br><br>Thanks for your comment and for looking. This summer I am to conduct a wedding for a couple currently working in another state. We will probably have some pre-marriage counselling sessions together by means of Skype, but I wanted to prepare a lot of what I would tell them by means of an Instructable and have them read it. I had thought a few months ago about gathering things I have learned about marriage through my career as a pastor and through a bit more than 40 years of being married, and making it available in the form of an Instructable. A friend on Instructables who is also a pastor encouraged me to do it. I put it aside for a while. Making an Instructable on staying married seemed an especially good idea because divorce is so frequent at present. <br><br>Congratulations on meeting a very good wife so early and on your years together. I have heard a few stories of women meeting someone and knowing immediately he was the man they would marry. It reminds me of the adage that you chase her until she catches you. I have also known of marriages in which one partner had to be convinced this was the person who would be a life partner.<br><br>Marriages are all different. It is good you have enjoyed yours most of the time. Some experience real struggles and barely stay together during periods of a few years until one or both parties become more settled and the marriage stabilizes. I remember hearing of a couple that had a very volatile relationship. They could not live with each other, but could not live without each other, either. Thank you, again.

Marriage is a place were both parties need to be wiling to bend 80 degrees from what seems right from their upbringing. A &quot;try it, you may like it&quot; attuitude.<br><br>It only seem weird the first two or three times.<br><br>Remember your Dad never had a iPhone!<br><br>Next time, it's my guess.<br><br>Speak sweetly, as you may have to eat those word, tomorrow.<br><br>In my world, I picked jobs, She picked homes!<br><br>Never argue with the Cook!<br><br>Very best of God lead writing in you book.

<p>Thank you for this. My husband and I have been married for 33 years and haven't ever seriously considered divorce. We joke that the reason we're still together is plain laziness, but really, I don't know where I'd find someone else that would put up with me!</p>

Thank you for looking. It is never completely. Our hopes and expectations do change over time.

I think the 1000 hours rule is true. My now wife and I used to talk on the phone for hours every night. She became my best friend, and we learned much about each other that way. I married her when I was 22. 20 years later and we're still married :-)<br><br>Thanks for sharing your insight!

Thank you for sharing your experience.

To start I am a Roman-Catholic, Native American,&nbsp;military member that has been married for the last 27 years. My now wife and I, after knowing each other as friends for a year and half and dating one another for a year, decided to become engaged, which lasted for almost 2 years. When I asked her to marry me, before she could answer, I told her that she was the best friend I had ever had, and to think on it for awhile before she answered me. I did not want her taking it lightly at all. Before we parted that evening I told her I would not call or come see her for at least 2 - 3 weeks, as not influence her decision at that time. But I did tell her if she needed me she could call at any time. When we finally did meet up again I was so scared of what she would or would not say I almost didn't want ask her for the answer. As we sat and looked at each other before she could answered me I explained to her my goals and what I wanted in life and in a wife. I told her I knew I was not any,where near being perfect but that I was who she had seen for the last four years. That the person I had seen in her for that same time was exactly who I was looking for ( strong willed, supportive, a good and dependable person to share the rest of my life with) That I did not want children until we were able to take care of ourselves and also what my career plans were. I told her after God she would be my #1 priority in life until our children came along and that while&nbsp;the word &quot;Divorce&quot; was not in my dictionary, &quot;Faithful &amp; Loyal&quot; were. If she chose me as I had chosen her she should read what the vows of marriage meant and understand it was a lifelong commitment. So while I stood there afraid that after laying it all out in front of her, thinking that I was about to spend the rest of my life alone, she got on her tippy toes, looked me in my eyes and said how long will we have to wait or don't you want a family of our own. When I told her it would take me at least 4 years to get in a stable position to provide a safe place for us to start that family she smiled and said&nbsp;it shouldn't take half that long working together. In the time before we were married we were best friends, confidants, conciences, and supporters as well as faithful to each other and our beliefs ( we still are).&nbsp;What I am trying get across to you is that our meeting was purely by chance as we were not high school sweethearts, did not live in the same county, and had not met before, even though we knew and know a lot of each others family. But we made a very serious decision in getting married. After witnessing my own parents divorce I decided to never ever marry or fall in love, or even have kids because of my experiences. But watching my grand-parents and meeting&nbsp;my wife&nbsp;made me believe otherwise. I guess what I am trying to say is this,&nbsp;the key to a good or even better marriage&nbsp;may be found in those pages, but the key to a great one has to start before you ever say &quot;I do!&quot; We have gone through some rough times in those 30 some years together, but they have always been together even when we were thousands of miles apart we were still together. I have had older people tell me when you have been married as long as I have you will understand, only to listen and find out they don't know half as much as they think (Men &amp; women). Some of them were even married half as long as us or were on their second or third marriage. They were&nbsp;either very brave or very crazy.&nbsp;And yes while praise and friendship are great to have you never let yourself be in a situation that someone can insinuate what you were doing, even if it is not true perceptions can destroy a good relationship let alone a precarious one. Sorry for the rant, some times these little words strike a note and&nbsp;have big impacts, weather they are good or bad is on the individuals. Congratulations as well, on finding that right one for yourself. With God and the right person in your life all things seem possible and most are! I look forward to reading more.

Thank you for your comment.

Just want to say thank you, and God bless you

God bless you. Thank you.

Have you written a book on marriage? I really enjoyed your instructable.

Thank you for looking and for taking the time to read all of that. I retired in June 2012 after 40 years as a pastor. I wanted to put those things down in writing before I forgot them through lack of use in retirement. In addition, I was to perform the wedding for a young couple at the end of that month, but logistics meant we could not meet together several times to discuss things like this. So, I wrote the Instructable and sent them a PDF copy I downloaded. What I wrote in that Instructable is all borrowed from others with the exception of only a couple of things. I feel I still struggle with too many things in my own marriage to publish an actual book, even if I could fill all of the pages. Thank you for the compliment, though.

The Five Languages of Love is a great book to read. My son recently got married and both of them loved this book. Thanks for sharing this instructable. Have a splendorous day! <br />Sunshiine

Thank you.

Could you apply this to an unmarried, young couple?

By &quot;this&quot; do you mean the whole Instructable, and by &quot;an unmarried young couple&quot; do you mean someone dating, but living together?

Thank you for looking and for commenting. I am glad you like it. When I posted it I really expected some adversarial comments, but everyone so far has been appreciative. That includes at least one Facebook friend after I linked it there. I tried to get at differences between the wants and thought processes of the sexes with mention of John Gray's books and the book by Gary Chapman on love languages. Please feel free to refer it to friends who may be struggling with their marriages. It is hardly &quot;complete,&quot; but could be helpful.

I am hoping this information will help salvage my relationship. Thank you for sharing your insights. Not being Christian, I did find your explanations of your Biblical references helpful and were not deterring to me. Thank you.

Thank you for looking at this and for your comment. If both husband and wife are willing, just about any marriage can be salvaged. Unfortunately, I have also seen people decide on a divorce and then play what I have called &quot;divorce games&quot; in which each works hard at hurting the other because of personal pain. This can go so far as squandering resources the couple has built up just so the other will not get them. If attitudes have not yet become stone hard, it can be very helpful to confess to the other any personal failures in the relationship and ask the other's forgiveness. It is to be hoped the other will respond in like manner, but may not. That is a painful risk. I wish you well and hope your marriage can flourish again.

Marriage is a divine institution that is in danger. Someone once joked that for every marriage two end in divorce. My brother and I were raised by our divorced mother. I witnessed as a child her tribulations while raising us. I promised to my self to keep a strong marriage for the sake of my children. Today my wife and I cannot hug without our children making fun of us. How I wish that they could understand how lovely would have been watch my parents show love to each other! Thank you for posting Phil! I like the pictures of you and your lovely wife together.

Thank you for your comment. It took me longer than I would like to admit to grasp your joke about two marriages ending in divorce for each marriage solemnized. I know the figures given would have us believe one of every two marriages ends in divorce. While I was checking references for this Instructable I saw a corrective that said it was really more like four in ten marriages end in divorce. That is not much better, I know. &quot;No fault divorce&quot; is a big part of the reason why. One source I have said that most who divorce wish afterward they had tried a little harder to make it work. One of our problems is that many people do not see marriage as a divine institution. I have heard Christian wives speak about how much it means to them that their husbands take a primary role also in the spiritual leadership within the family. A family going to church together does not guarantee the marriage will last, at least not by itself; but, regular Sunday attendance at a good church does help. If nothing else, it helps to nip my own pride and arrogance that would otherwise create more problems in our marriage. You and your wife are on the right track, even if your kids giggle at you. Newscaster Paul Harvey always used to say the best thing a father can do for his kids is to love their mother. Studies have shown that displaying affection openly is a very healthy thing in a family.