within reason of course but I have to believe that all of this and all that I've experienced in my life to date has been for a reason

Monday, June 22

little sister

so as I haven't really mentioned it again since last Saturday I thought it might be good to get some more down on the screen(paper)

after calling my dad yesterday to wish him a happy fathers day we ended up having one of our long chats as we sometimes do... and always do after my sister drops her latest bombshell on the family.

I've been kind of struggling with the idea of boundaries and how they apply to my relationships with those in my family. I want my dad to know that we are struggling but I don't want to give him all the details. And he reminded me yesterday that he is still there for me when I need him and it's okay to call and tell him as little as I need or want he won't pry and if I don't want to tell him that's okay too. It felt good to get that out there.

Excuse the rambling but just trying to remember various parts of the conversation in no particular order.

So of course we talked about my little sister and how neither of us is really surprised about her latest announcement. He told me that she was worried about telling me and felt bad... but I told him she didn't project that in our conversation when I kept trying to chance the subject and she wasn't getting it. And I confessed that I was sad that I wouldn't get to have the first grandchild but he reminded me that the first grandchild was her abortion all those years ago and that order doesn't exist in our family, first, second or third... it doesn't matter. Dad filled me in on some more shallowness of my sister.... he half expects her to call and say "i don't want to get that big right now so I had an abortion"... she's pretty absorbed in her appearance and pretty much believes that her happiness is based on the size of her waist.... so she isn't a healthy skinny with all the smoking & drinking. She does believe that she is better then me simply because she has lost a ton of weight which is odd considering she has spent the better part of her life trying to have what I had... the friends, boyfriends, clothes, husband, house... etc...

I have always been very mothering toward my sister... even once packing a bag for her to go visit my grandparents and asking her if she had any money, "no" and I gave her some of mine... just so she'd have a little in her pocket, I couldn't have been any older the 8 or 9 at the time. But I can't be mothering towards her right now... if she calls to asks questions about pregnancy I will tell her to ask our mother... she's done it twice or to go by a book! I can't mother her through this too.... I need to protect my own heart but then at the same time I feel a twinge of quilt for that unborn child and the world he/she is going to be coming into.

We even talked about her showing up on either of our door steps one day with her child and needing our help, a place to stay but neither one of us will rescue her anymore... she needs to grow up fast and take responsibility for her actions. I just hope she can do it in time, her and her boyfriend/fiance can do it in time to give that child a fighting chance at a happy and healthy life! That might all sound pretty harsh but there isn't enough time to get into all that my sister has but my dad through or myself and yet we keep getting up for another punch.. a person can only take so much before they know they've done everything they possibly can and it is what it is.

So today I'm not so sad, didn't really shed many tears after my out burst last Saturday. I wish it was me who was making that big announcement but not under those circumstances and not in that type of relationship... so overall I feel a little more at peace. Still going to see my therapist to get some good ideas/thoughts going on how to respond to people, to her and to what might come in the following months... but overall I'm good... I think I've said before I'm not really surprised she's pregnant just disappointed it isn't me.

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My Hopes for 2012

- take care of self in an effort to conceive our first child(crossfit, supplement taking, clean eating, breathing, acceptance of where I am in this moment and knowing it is enough and perfect for conception)

- be present in my business when needed knowing that it's growth will allow me the time to be the mom I want to be