5 things I learned from being a Z list celebrity

Disclaimer: I have never had grounds to consider myself a celebrity of any kind, but ‘5 things I learned from having a job in the public eye for a short period of time’ didn’t cut it as a title. Let me give you the background. After a lucky break presenting for the ABC in my twenties, and a wonderful agent who wholeheartedly believed in me, I was staring down the barrel of my dream job - a daily health and wellbeing program on a commercial network.

Several screen tests, cast shuffles and start delays later, and my dream job was a reality. It was better than I could have ever imagined, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was happier than I’d ever been. Turns out, people prefer to watch Judge Judy at 2.30pm in the afternoons, and my dream gig was over as quickly as it began. I was devastated, and spent the evening hugging a bottle of pinot in the bath, sobbing. Cue the tiny violins…

After grieving the loss and dusting myself off, I thought I’d share a thing or two I learned in my short time in the spotlight.

1. There’s a fame ‘ranking’ - and it doesn’t get much lower than ‘Z’

All of a sudden, you’re invited to a bunch of events. ‘They know who I am? And they want me to come to the launch of their fashion line/new song/tiny vibrator?’. In the absence of a ‘glam squad’ (this is the Z list, kids), you borrow a dress, squeeze it over your not-size-eight body, do your hair and makeup and feel pretty bloody good until you get wherever you’re going. Amidst the photographer flashes taking photos of real famous people, if you’re anything like me you stand in the corner and watch people air kiss the night away. I once thought a photographer was waving me over for a photo, but as I moved towards him (slightly chuffed) I realised he was actually asking me to move because my gigantic carcass was blocking his shot of Anna Heinrich. That’s a self-esteem cocktail if I’ve ever had one.

2. People give you heaps of free stuff, and it feels good

I’d been going to the same beautician for a decade, and as I ramped up my beauty routine to compensate for the daily mask of makeup I wore for the show, their interest in me piqued. At my next appointment a representative was on hand to introduce themselves and gift me with hundreds of dollars worth of beautiful products, no doubt in the hope I’d spread the word to my (imaginary) army of Instagram followers. While I was truly grateful for the gift, it’s amazing that a decade of loyal patronage and sending dozens of clients their way wasn’t enough to do the trick, but a fleeting moment on our TV screens was.

3. Famous people are almost constantly on their phones - and I understand why

I’ll admit I am absolutely on my phone too much, it’s something I’m working on. I’m usually doing boring things like internet banking or reading my star sign rather than checking Insta and engaging with my non-existent fans, but (some) mildly famous people take things to a whole new level. If they’re not snapping/editing/posting they’re checking, again… and again… and again. I totally get it, their careers are partially dependent on sharing a carefully curated representation of their shiny, happy lives. And I’d hazard a guess to say that the digital version of adoration is a nice side-effect, something social media provides on tap.

Photo: SuppliedSource:BodyAndSoul

4. The camera is a microscope, and you are the petri dish

As someone who has struggled with their ability to look after themselves over the years (my diets tend to last for less than a day and my idea of winding down often involves enough wine to put down a cat), all of a sudden you manage to nail the ‘move more, eat less’ brief. The camera is literally your microscope, and every day an opportunity for criticism - mainly from yourself. I magically grew the willpower to say ‘no’ to the food on the plane, to peanut M+Ms and to skipping a workout, and it felt natural - heck, even powerful, to have such a good reason to do so. So I get it when I see celebrities shrink and morph as their stars rise.

5. People are really, really nice to you, and it makes you feel special

I truly believe we are all created equal, which is what makes any level of notoriety or fame such an interesting concept. But one thing I can’t deny is how good it feels when people are especially nice to you. Being picked up in a fancy car DOES make you feel like a princess, and being gifted with nice things DOES make you feel special. Even better is people being familiar with who you are or the work you do, and telling you they appreciate whatever it is you do. No matter your industry, that’s an ego-boost nobody can deny and I can only assume it’s what makes the ‘fall’ from fame so hard to swallow.

I’ll save you the trouble of the who-does-she-think-she-is comments, I don’t think I’m anyone other than someone who had a momentary glimpse into a life many of us dream of. I’ll also say I have it on good authority that plenty of famous people are really, really nice - and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still just a tiny bit jealous.