July 4 -- Insurrection Day

July 4, Insurrection Day, has been enthusiastically celebrated for over
two centuries here in the United Colonies of America but we often lose
sight of the true meaning of this holiday. Of course, it must be first
understood that we are not actually celebrating the Insurrection of
July 4, 1776, or what the rebel traitors dared to called the "Declaration
of Independence," but rather the ultimate victory of the Crown over the
dark forces of anarchy.
Despite the assertion by a few misguided revisionist historians that the
rebels of that era were some sort of revolutionary heroes, the true
reason for the Insurrection, as we all know, was simple greed. The
colonists of that time were more than happy to have the protection of
the British troops against their enemies during the French and Indian
War but when it came time to pay the bill for this defense, the trouble
began.
The Crown placed a tax of a mere three pennies per pound on tea brought
into the colonies to help defray the war debt, yet despite this modest
cost it caused howls of protest from colonial profiteers. Among those
vehemently opposed to paying this absurdly low obligation was one John
Hancock, the richest merchant in Boston and the first person to sign the
notorious Declaration of Independence that illegally established the
short-lived United States of America. This document, which was
purportedly a solemn resolution, was in reality nothing more than a list
of (very) petty grievances against King George III. To get an idea of
how truly ridiculous these complaints were, one need only take a look at
a few of them as set forth by that chronic complainer, Thomas Jefferson:
"He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual,
uncomfortable and distant from the depository of their Public
Records..."
Well, too bad. Just because public officials might have felt slightly
uncomfortable was no reason for open rebellion. Perhaps they expected
the Crown to bear the expense of convening legislative bodies at every
frontier crossroads that suited their whims at the moment?
"He has erected a multitude of New Offices and sent hither swarms of
Officers to harass our people..."
The colonies were expanding in both population and area. If the King
did not send more officials to help with its administration, he would
have been labeled derelict in his duties by the whining Mr. Jefferson.
"He has endeavored to prevent the population of these States; for that
purpose obstructing the Laws of Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing
to pass others to encourage their migration hither, and raising the
conditions of new Appropriations of Lands."
In other words, Jefferson was opposed to the King's wise policy of
planned growth and land development. Better that than allowing the
colonies to be flooded with foreigners whose drain on public services
would surely have also been loudly protested by Jefferson.
"He has excited domestic insurrection amongst us, and has endeavoured to
bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages,
whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all
ages, sexes, and conditions."
What he called exciting domestic insurrection was actually the King's
support for loyal colonists who bravely stood by the Crown despite
severe reprisals by the rebels. Jefferson also vented his blatant
anti-Indian prejudice but conveniently forgot to mention that the rebels
themselves used Indian tribes against the loyalist forces. He further
indicted the Crown for "quartering large bodies of armed troops among
us." Didn't Jefferson have any sense of civic responsibility? Did he
really expect the poor young soldiers to sleep out in the cold? Was it
asking too much of the colonists for them to provide troops with minimal
shelter?
There are many other pet peeves listed in the Declaration of
Independence, the triviality of which are beneath contempt. Yet, for
all the imagined horrors committed by the Crown, it was nothing compared
to the oppressive regime of the French King. However, this did not
prevent the hypocritical rebels from seeking the active support for
their insurrection from that tyrannical ruler. It seems they denounced
the institution of the monarchy only when it suited their narrow
purposes.
Fortunately, with the help of such loyalist heroes as Benedict Arnold,
the Insurrection was suppressed. Today, as we citizens of the United
Colonies of America celebrate Insurrection Day with traditional parades
and fireworks, we should remember to reflect on the reason for this
holiday as we proudly sing "God Save the Queen."