No matter how old you are-13, 30, or 60-there are certain emotional needs you have that you may not even be aware of. From appreciation, to support, to respect, to comfort, there are things that strike a cord so deep within us we often don’t even tell others we need them. Why do we do that? Here are a few core reasons. 1. Sometimes we don’t communicate our intimacy needs because we don’t know what they are. 2. Other times it is because when we have shared our deepest intimacy needs before we have been met with hurt or disappointment. 3. Maybe it is because we don’t feel safe enough with anyone to risk being rejected if we dare to share our needs. 4. Or, it could be that we have built up a brick wall around our heart that doesn’t allow anyone in to even attempt to meet our needs. It could be any of these reasons, or a host of others that I haven’t named, but the end result is the same. If my needs are met there is great potential for meaningful closeness with those in my life. If those same needs go unmet, there is great pain that follows us like the cloud that hovered over “Eeyore” from Winnie the Pooh. The reality is that sharing my deepest needs makes me vulnerable and it’s risky. But, I want to suggest to you that it is well worth the risk. Just like with return on investment—the more you risk the greater the potential return. When you see that couple that has been married for 30 years but they still have stars in their eyes when they see each other from across the room, or the father and his child who connect with each other on a level you wish you had experienced with your dad, those longings are the key to identifying your deepest intimacy needs. So, what do we do with this information? Here are a few suggestions… 1. Discover what your intimacy needs are if you don’t know them. A great resource for this is any text by Dr. David Ferguson or come in and we can help. 2. If you know what your needs are and you’ve been hiding them, confess that to God and to the person who longs to really know you so you can start fresh. 3. If you’ve been withholding intimacy from your partner because of past hurt, get help to work through it and offer an olive branch by meeting your partner’s intimacy needs unselfishly without any expectations in return. 4. Commit to experience a new level of intimacy by understanding and meeting the needs of those you love, be it kids, parents, spouses, or best friends. My prayer is that intimacy would bring a fulfillment to your relationships that you have never know, as you make your relationships a mirror image of how God loves us and longs to meet our needs. ----Jennifer

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Authors

The author of Life Renewal Counseling's Blog is Jennifer Street, LCSW. Earlier posts are credited to our former counselor, Yolanda Harper, LCSW. For more information on Jennifer please visit the "About Us" section of our website.