Category: Criminal/Illegal

(I work at a very popular supplement store, and we sell products that are called “detoxes”. There are certain ones that people buy under the impression that they can cheat a urinalysis. If the customer mentions anything about drugs or a urine test, we must refuse the sale.)

Customer: “Hey, I need one of those detoxes.”

(I unlock the display and bring it to the counter.)

Me: “Okay, anything else?”

Customer: “Do these really work? I’m trying to find a job and I smoke a lot of weed.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I cannot sell you this product because you told me that. It is against federal law. I will have to ask you to leave.”

(A few customers are milling around the store, including a young woman and a uniformed police officer. Note that 99.9% of people here use a driver’s licence for an ID.)

Woman: “Pack of [cigarettes], please.”

Me: “Sure, do you have some ID on you?”

Woman: “No. Why the h*** would you ask me that?!”

Me: “I’ll need to see some ID before I put these through, sorry. It’s our policy to ID anyone who looks under 25.”

Woman: “Are you kidding me? I am 25; I just drove here!”

(This entire time, the officer has been waiting in line behind her, and has overheard the conversation. Upon hearing that she has been driving, the officer makes eye contact with me, and after a second or two it clicks.)

Me: “Sorry, so you don’t have your driver’s licence on you from the drive here? You know it’s illegal to drive without a licence on you?”

Woman: “F***ing duh. What’s it to you?”

Me: “Nothing at all to me, ma’am.” *looking over to the cop* “Sorry, officer, won’t be a second.”

(The woman turns around and finds herself face-to-face with the police officer, who’s grinning like a child. Long story short, she walked home that day.)

(My sister is doing a high school project at a grocery store where she has to interview the store manager. It’s in a shady part of town, so when she leaves her digital camera unattended for a few moments someone steals it. After alerting the security guard, he agrees to ask the customers in the store. The only people in the store at that time are my sister, the manager, my sister’s groupmates, a college student with an iPhone, and a few admittedly shabby-looking customers.)

College Student: “I don’t have time for this! Those students should have taken better care of their belongings! I refuse to be searched!”

Guard: “But—”

College Student: “I’m a college student, for **** sake! Why would I steal a camera?!” *points to a shabby-looking customer* “He’d have more reason to steal it! I refuse to waste my time for a bunch of kids who think their irresponsibility to take care of their camera makes them a priority!”

Guard: “Sir…when did I ever say the missing item was a camera?”

College Student: “I—”

Guard: “I’ll need to search your bag now, or if you’re in such a hurry, I can have your ID.”

(The college student consents and allows the guard to search his bag. Soon enough, the guard finds my sister’s camera.)

Guard: “Is this yours, ma’am?”

My Sister: “It is!”

College Student: “What the f***?! That’s mine! I’ll have it back now and be on my way, please!”

(The guard ignores the student and turns on the digital camera. The pictures show many pictures of my sister and her groupmates. There are also a few teenage pictures of my sister in that typical provocative teenage pose in front of the mirror while wearing a revealing two-piece. The college student turns paper white.)

College Student: “Oh, that camera! Yeah, I found it on the table someplace and I was going to return it, but totally forgot and—”

Guard: “Sir, I can either charge you with stealing, or I can charge you with stalking and pedophilia, since this lady is obviously a minor. Which one is it going to be?”

(In the end, my sister got her camera back and the college student was taken away by police. The guard got a raise!)

(I’m working on returns when a customer comes in with a can of paint from our store. An off-duty cop in his uniform just happens to walk in behind her, but she doesn’t notice.)

Customer: “This paint is crap! I don’t have a receipt, and I didn’t pay with a card, so a merchandise credit will be fine.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, this paint was never tinted, and it clearly says here ‘Must Be Tinted’. Also, our cashiers cannot check out anyone with paint unless they have a valid tint code, or the paint does not need to be tinted.”

Customer: “Are you accusing me of stealing?!”

Cop:*still standing behind her* “He gives a valid case.”

(She whips around, and turns the whitest color I have ever seen. After confirming with the manager, the cop has her arrested for petty theft; double-checking on the cameras throughout the day confirmed she did indeed steal the paint.)

(Note: My boss only purchased this particular pizza shop about four years ago. I am answering a phone call at the beginning of my shift.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [shop name]. Will this be for pick-up or delivery?”

Customer: “Uh, is this the NEW [shop name]?”

Me: “Yes, the current owner purchased this restaurant about four years ago.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Uh…can I get a delivery?”

Me: “Sure! What’s your address?”

Customer: “Yeah, I just want two large pies and a dime bag.”

Me:*taken aback* “Um…excuse me?”

Customer: “Two large pies and a dime bag.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir…a dime bag?!”

Customer: “Can’t I get a dime bag with my delivery?”

Me: “No, absolutely not. We only sell food here…no dime bags!”

Customer: “Oh, okay then.”

(He proceeds to give me his contact information for two large pies. After the call ends, I bring the order into the kitchen. However, before I have a chance to even hand the slip to the cook, the phone rings again.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [shop name]. Will this be for pick-up or delivery?””

Same Customer: “Uh, yeah, I wanna cancel my order for two large pizzas.”

Me: “Okay, so you want to cancel the two pizzas, correct?”

Same Customer: “Yeah. Unless I can get a dime bag with them, that is.”

Me: “No, you still can’t get a dime bag.”

Same Customer: “Oh, okay. Yeah, cancel the order…”

(I found out later that 15 years ago, a previous owner used to run a little “side operation” for quite some time before the police caught on and sent him to jail.)