You are NOT Your Role

Kent (Type 1 Perfectionist) was focused on putting some order to, and structure around our project as we ended our team meeting. Happy that we had someone who had a natural ability to take stuff and structure it, I commented, “Every team needs a Type 1.”

Kent reminded me that in my book I write that the Enneagram journey involves letting go of the roles we play, and in his case that meant he didn’t want to continue to be known as a perfectionist and take responsibility for being the one to put things in order. In jest, I told Kent to stop reading my book.

I’m writing about this episode because it’s important to remember not to confuse dropping your role with expressing your gift.

What do I mean by this?

In Kent’s case, and if you’re a Type 1 Perfectionist there’s a good chance your anger gets channeled into perfecting others, yourself and ordering and structuring your environment. Your ability to do this is a gift, as long as it isn’t a way to avoid dealing with your anger and as long as it is not a compulsion or a habitual unconscious pattern.

NOT because you feel responsible.

NOT because you believe it’s expected of you.

NOT because you believe you’ll lose relationships if you don’t follow through on the unspoken expectations people may have of you.

As long as it’s something that you enjoy and it’s a conscious choice, then continue doing it, because it’s one of your gifts.

Photo by Wendy Appel

Remember, the roles we play are not who we are at essence. We often over-identify with our roles and think that’s who we are, yet we are far greater than the roles we play.

Don’t confuse your need to be the responsible, organized, orderly, structured, perfect one with the joyful expression of your gift.

When you let go of who you think you are (or aren’t), you open up the possibility of who you can become.

5 comments

Hi Wendy, love this blog entry and the review you posted in the newsletter, both of which emphasize that your practice and your book are about applying the principles of the Enneagram in day-to-day practice, not about glorifying the theory. It’s lovely that you keep your clients focused on the change within, which includes valuing the gifts their personality patterns have given them. This reminds me of Ken Wilbur’s notion that we “transcend and include.”

Hi Mary,
Thank you, thank you, thank you. You have perfectly captured the intent and focus of my work, book, blog and newsletter. The Enneagram is a means, not an end in itself. The idea is to cultivate states of being that can relax the compulsions and open to the gifts. I wasn’t familiar with Ken’s notion, but I love it.

I know this is also the focus of your work, Mary. I have such gratitude and respect for you as a person and practitioner. Thank you.

Wendy – Thanks so much for this post. I have been trying to step away from my type a bit more these days, but this post reminds me that it’s okay to embrace the good parts. Honing in on my intentions for embracing or stepping away is really the key to it all. Thanks for the insight!