We begin the episode following Carlton into the Hustler store on a shopping expedition with her husband and her mother-in-law and OH MY GOD, WE GET IT ALREADY: Carlton is sooooooo sexual. Carlton’s sexuality will not be tempered, not even by the presence of the woman who gave birth to her husband. Carlton is daring and brassy and loves to prance around in bikinis to show off the augmented husk that is her “great body” and she loves sex. Sex sex sex and sex. She just can’t get enough of the sex with her husband who looks like the least attractive member of The New Kids on the Block. And talking about sex in front of and with her mother-in-law. And sex. See? We get it, Carlton. Can we move on now, please?

Sure, if moving on means moving from the Hustler store to her dungeon. Carlton has a contractor build a stage in her now red “playroom” while she and Elizy, her white slave long-suffering nanny, look on. “Is this part of my official duties as the nanny?” Elizy does not ask, all the while hoping that someone in the viewing audience will reach out to the authorities.

Over at the Fosters’, Yoyawnda awakens to discover that her perfect Valkyrie visage is covered in giant pimples, on the morning of her 7th wedding anniversary to David Foster, Musical Genius, no less. What is a supermodel to do?! Yoyawnda calls Brandi looking for zit tips, and is instructed to ice them down before applying Visine to remove the redness. Yoyawnda, confounded by the entire Visine element, jumps straight to step #2 and doesn’t apply the ice, thereby MESSING UP THE WHOLE THING. God, Yoyawnda, just rub some lemons on your face and be done with it. It’s not like you won’t have a team of makeup artists descend upon your face before dinner anyway.

And, indeed, as Yoyawnda and David Foster, Musical Genius arrive at Nobu which they have apparently completely emptied out for their anniversary dinner, there are no signs of any sort of blemishes. David Foster, Musical Genius presents his anniversary present to Yoyawnda: a collection of romanticish clichés that he calls a “love letter.” Yoyawnda insists that this is better than receiving diamonds, but I am not convinced. In return, Yoyawnda gives David Foster, Musical Genius a big book of naked pictures of herself which, if I remember correctly, is actually the traditional gift for one’s 8th wedding anniversary, not 7th.

“You know my alter-ego is a stripper.” (realitytvgifs.tumblr.com)

As for Kim, after watching a video of Kingsley running around in the desert with his over-enthusiastic trainer, she decides to “become an alpha.” To this end, she rides around in the passenger seat of a race car, because that just makes sense. Too much sense, really. Also, Kim reveals that her grandmother made Kim her chauffeur around when Kim was only 12, suggesting that Kim came by her substance issues honestly.

And Kyle prepares for her upcoming “fashion show” by having Brandi and her Amazons, and Jacqueline Joyce and her Queen of the Universe come to the store all at the same time to try on clothes. Jacqueline Joyce greets one of Brandi’s Amazons in a flurry of Spanish, annoying Brandi even more. The ladies then try on outfits, all of which are too big for them even though they are SIZE FOURS, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. Kyle is just as irritated by this as the rest of us, and suggests they accessorize their outfits with cheeseburgers. Not to be thinshaming, or anything, but word, Kyle. Jacqueline Joyce “jokes” that you can never be too rich or too thin, but it’s not a joke, not really, you’re not fooling anyone, lady. YOU USED IT AS YOUR TAGLINE, JACQUELINE JOYCE, DON’T TRY TO WALK THAT BACK NOW, MAMACITA.

Finally, Lisa has come up with a grand Vanderplan: she and Grandpa Ken will host a dinner with the ladies to try to get them to make nicetime — WAIT! HEAR HER OUT! — and she’s going to invite The Sultan and that Martin guy because they kinda know Jacqueline Joyce and that will make her feel more comfortable and so, then, everyone will magically become best friends. Great Vanderidea! I can’t imagine how this couldn’t Vanderwork! There are literally zero flaws in this Vanderscheme!

And so, the night of the Vanderdinner, that Martin guy arrives at Sur first, and is like, “Right, so, why am I here again?” Lisa explains her grand Vanderplan, which sounds just as perfect the second time around. Someone start polishing the Nobel Peace Prize … or should we just go ahead and start calling it the Vandernobel Peace Prize??

Brandi is the next to arrive, and whines that Grandpa Ken doesn’t flirt with her anymore, a point that Lisa Vanderconfirms, reminding Brandi that the flirting ended after Brandi called her a see you next Tuesday. Brandi protests that she called Lisa a VanderC with kindness, which, in defense of Brandi, is just how she rolls. And then Lisa lowers the Vanderboom: Jacqueline Joyce is also coming to this dinner, a fact that Lisa conveniently neglected to share with Brandi when she originally extended the invitation. Brandi is NOT PLEASED to learn this, and warns Lisa that she’s been in a dark place ever since Chica disappeared. “Too bad. Also, don’t call her Jacqueline, NOW GO MAKE NICE,” Lisa instructs. I’m sure that’ll do the trick.

Yoyawnda arrives David Fosterless, at about the same time as her ex-husband The Sultan and his newest acquisition, Shiva. Hugs hugs, everyone loves each other, hugs. Meanwhile, that Martin fellow asks Brandi about her issues with Jacqueline Joyce, and Brandi explains that Jacqueline Joyce is a classic one-upper: if Brandi’s house was broken into, Jacqueline Joyce was attacked by armed robbers; if Brandi’s scared of heights, Jacqueline Joyce is pathologically terrified of heights and has been seeking immersive therapy for years; if Brandi’s a model, Jacqueline Joyce is a model/actress; if Brandi has to be the center of attention, Jacqueline Joyce HAS TO BE THE CENTER OF ¡ATENCIÓN! &c.

Speaking of Jacqueline Joyce, she and Babyman finally arrive, greet The Sultan and that Martin guy, and explain that they are the only reasons Jacqueline Joyce came tonight, as Brandi listens on, snubbed and pointedly ignored. Brandi orders another drink before she “kill[s] a Puerto Rican,” which, HA and oh, honey, stop before you are called racist again.

So they all sit down to dinner and Brandi breaks the ice by asking Jacqueline Joyce how she and The Sultan know each other, before basically asking if they were sexually involved with one another. Fair question! Awkward and inappropriate in front of Babyman, Yoyawnda and Shiva, but totally fair! The Sultan tries to change the conversation by asking Jacqueline Joyce how the experience of getting to know all these beautiful ladies has been, and she replies that while they are attractive, getting to know them has only been so-so. Babyman adds that they are not the “easiest,” setting everyone’s teeth on edge. The Sultan tries, again, to divert this increasingly volatile situation, insisting that Lisa is the sweetest, most wonderful, Vanderfect lady in the whole world. Jacqueline Joyce replies that she’ll just have to take his word for it. Brandi then suggests that men are simpler creatures than women because they don’t want drama or conflict, which Babyman agrees with — as long as no one starts anything with his momwife. Yoyawnda tries to urge him to not get involved, but this advice falls on big deaf baby ears.

And that’s when Brandi starts some merda. Out of nowhere, Brandi announces that she and Jacqueline Joyce have two mutual friends, Janelle and Chrystelle, neither of whom speak highly of Jacqueline Joyce. “YES THEY DO,” Jacqueline Joyce retorts. “NO, THEY DON’T” Brandi replies. “THEY DON’T TALK HIGHLY OF YOU,” Jacqueline Joyce fires back. “YES, THEY DO,” Brandi cleverly responds. When Lisa attempts to break up this breathtakingly dumb fight, Brandi protests that Jacqueline Joyce “started it” when she twisted the advice she offered her about Lisa being sensitive. Jacqueline Joyce claims that actually, what Brandi told her was that Lisa could dish it out, but couldn’t take it. “YOU’RE STUPID!” Brandi exclaims. “NO, YOU’RE STUPID!” Jacqueline Joyce wittily replies. Oh, how shall we ever keep up with this blindingly quick repartee?

“Don’t call my mommywife stupid,” interjects Babyman, “You are stupid and a bully and a big racist,” Jacqueline Joyce adds. Brandi becomes infuriated at being called a racist, protesting that she has dated a black guy, and married a Latino, SO SHOVE IT, JACQUELINE JOYCE. The Sultan wanders into the fray, claiming that people always make jokes about him as an Arab when he skis, so … STAY OUT OF IT, THE SULTAN. NO ONE ASKED FOR YOUR STUPID IRRELEVANT ANECDOTES, THE SULTAN. Brandi then points out that her Amazons are multi-racial, and Jacqueline Joyce is like, “Yeah, to make you look better.” “YOU’RE THE RACIST,” Brandi yells, all the while Lisa Vanderwhispers at them both to stop it.

Neither of them stop it.

Instead, Jacqueline Joyce begins calling Brandi a bully for repeating the “Hoy-say” taunt from her childhood, and Babyman piles on, asking what planet Brandi lives on. Brandi insists that she lives on Planet Earth, where the carajo does he live, at which point Jacqueline Joyce announces that Brandi is actually from Planet Trash. And I’m having a hard time believing that this isn’t scripted, the banter is so scathingly clever! Lisa interjects that surely Jacqueline Joyce and Babyman can recognize that screaming at Brandi that she’s a racist from Planet Trash is just going to end in her encouraging them to go chinga themselves, but Jacqueline Joyce hears this as excusing Brandi’s behavior, and insists that, actually, she’s the victim.

Brandi then tries to explain that Jacqueline Joyce always makes it about herself; that after she heard Chica was lost, Jacqueline Joyce felt the need to one-up Brandi’s loss by talking about when she lost her own dog. Jacqueline Joyce retorts that she was trying to comfort Brandi, which is when Lisa interrupts again, attempting to end the fight, urging everyone to put these things behind them. “WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS GET TO TELL HER SIDE OF THE STORY, AND I NEVER GET TO TELL MINE?” whinges Jacqueline Joyce, and Lisa does not tell her what I tell my children — that I don’t care about who started it, who is right and who is wrong, I don’t care about justice in general! I just care about quiet — but she’s clearly Vanderthinking it.

Babyman starts yelling at Brandi again, who even knows about what, the point is, it drags Yoyawnda back into the mix, urging him to stay out of it, and for everyone in general to move on from this and keep things in perspective. Babyman is not ready to let anything go, however, insisting that Yoyawnda doesn’t get to tell him to stop, he’s not going to be quiet in deference to her little “dream team.” OH, BROTHER sighs Yoyawnda, ARE YOU A 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL? But before Babyman can explain that actually, he’s an overgrown infant, Jacqueline Joyce begins yelling at Brandi that she might be blonde but that she’s not a bimbo, and needs to watch her language. OH YEAH? WELL JACQUELINE JOYCE CAN GO CHINGALE. HOW’S THAT FOR LANGUAGE?

And all the while the staff-cast of Sur laugh and laugh in a Greek chorus of glossy dumb behind the table.

PROGRAMMING NOTE, BABIES: This Monday marks the beginning of The Longest Season for your trusty blogger: the return of The Bachelor. Unfortunately, I have to give Juan Pablo and his harem of hussies preference, and RHOBH will be posting later than it already does. I apologize in advance, but do urge you to give The Bachelor recaps a chance: let me suffer for your benefit.