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Monthly Archives: March 2013

First they came for my big gulp sodas, but I said nothing because I don’t like big gulp sodas.

Then they came for… well, they haven’t come for anything else yet, but just wait. Freedom and liberty are at stake, or steak. Maybe they are coming for steak. I would, if someone was serving steak. But I am not them.

They are mean people who do not like freedom or liberty and so I am afraid that by the time they come for the cheeseburgers there will be no one left to speak for the cheeseburgers. It is an historically slippery slope.

Actually, first they came for assault weapons, but no one took that talk seriously.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! After St. Patrick killed the snakes, he cooked cheeseburgers for everyone in Ireland, right?

Cheeseburgers and potatoes; probably French fries.

It’s hard not to feel especially Catholic these days, what with a new pope and all. So after a brutal primary campaign and three televised debates, a new pope has taken the oath of office. With the most fun Catholic holiday upon us, is there a better time to talk about a little rebranding? Wine and wafers were so last pope. It’s time to move to beer and cheeseburgers.

You know, update the whole model more along the lines of Buffalo Wild Wings, where the bartender can speed up the sermon with the remote control. Of course, there would be a bartender. It’s St. Patrick’s Day.

It’s a perfectly logical evolution. Argentina is known for beef. Pope Francis is from Argentina. So does a new Pope mean cheeseburgers in church? It would be easier to do than involving women.

I love the new TSA cheeseburger policy allowing knives on airplanes. Knives are used to cut tomatoes, which go on cheeseburgers. Right?

Finally, there is government agency responsive to the needs of the people. I need a slice of tomato on my cheeseburger, which I plan to eat during a game of darts, or perhaps a little skeet shooting. Flying is safe again!

Soon, I’ll be able to wheel a grill with a huge propane tank to seat 23D and ask the guy across the aisle to flip my burger for me. There is too much regulation if I cannot cook cheeseburgers a mile in the air. If knives don’t cause a problem on a plane, would propane and fire? I can’t imagine a huge propane tank would represent any danger, as long as I take my shoes off before boarding.

Rand Paul talked almost 13 hours about the limits of presidential power when it comes to drone warfare. The question isn’t whether a president can order an American killed on American soil, or anywhere in the world. Of course he can, just as easily as he can order a cheeseburger.

Now, if there were cheeseburger-delivering drones for all Americans, that would be awesome. But it’s probably too expensive.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average surged to a record high on Tuesday because cheeseburgers taste good, said a prominent professor of economics.

According to a compelling new cheeseburger-based economic theory spelled out in a hastily-called news conference by Professor Eddie Mustard of Freecheezeburgerz University, there is an unofficial and, until now, unnamed 31st member of the Dow. Everyone knows that there are 30 official members of the Dow – Walt Disney, Bank of America, Exxon Mobil and the like.

Freecheezeburgerz Inc. is the secret 31st member of the Dow, he said.

The secret presence of the Freecheezeburgerz Inc. brand on the Dow caused other CEOs to order free cheeseburgers for their employees, and that was the moment when productivity and profits in America began to grow again, said Professor Mustard.

“You can even google it for proof, now that this story is on the Internet,” he added.

Professor Mustard explained that after the stock market crisis of 2009, the cabal of left-handed hobos that run the world secretly put Freecheezeburgerz Inc. on the Dow Jones Industrial Average because there is near unanimous agreement across both the financial world and the left-handed hobo world that cheeseburgers taste good.

While Freecheezeburgerz Inc. itself has never actually made anything, not even cheeseburgers, or provided any service, such as just serve cheeseburgers, Professor Mustard said this business model is proven to attract investors, and people who own cell phones.

Pressed by the Freecheezeburgerz Daily Bugle on the specifics of the Freecheezeburgerz Inc. business model, Professor Eddie Mustard of Freecheezeburgerz University said, “the important thing is that cheeseburgers taste good… Cheeseburgers taste good, and the stock market is at an all-time high. This is not a coincidence.”

He ended the press conference with these words: “It’s economics. I’ve got a theory, therefore I am an expert.”

Dennis Rodman, as secretary of state for the nation of Freecheezeburgerz, was given a suitcase full of cheeseburgers and one assignment. Pick a best friend.

That is how our president, me, ended up in a fantasy basketball league with Kim Jong Un. The point is that you can give a suitcase full of cheeseburgers to virtually anyone and make peace with absolutely anyone else. This has now been proven.

As a country, Free Cheezeburgerz did not set out to make peace with anyone. What’s the point of that? Our country just wanted a new friend.

There are so many nations, it can make your head spin. That is why our nation chose Dennis Rodman as secretary of state. He has enough piercings in his head to stop it from spinning.

Our country honestly thought finding a best friend would be a deliberative process by Dennis Rodman, as if he was signing with an NBA team. We figured he’d get a high-powered agent involved in the negotiations with multiple countries, and there would be all sorts of gamesmanship as these countries vied to be our new best friend. Our country even thought of hiring Jim Gray to do a show on ESPN. We could call it, The New Best Friend Decision.

The truth is, Free Cheezeburgerz is a bit of a novice at being a country but we like sports. So after we declared our independence, and I was unanimously elected president, we received a resume from Dennis Rodman, and we had an epiphany.

We need a foreign policy, we thought.

Naturally, Dennis Rodman was the best person to represent Freecheezeburgerz all over the world. Still, when he returned and said Kim Jong Un wants us to call him and talk basketball, we sarcastically asked if Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was too busy. Dennis Rodman said yes.

Just as $85 billion in cuts to America’s cheeseburger budget take effect, I opened the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant.

This is the best cheeseburger restaurant in the America, catering to everyone. There will be a left side of the restaurant, and there will be a right side of the restaurant.

On the right side of the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant, prices will be be very low. The cheeseburgers will be made from horse meat or whatever meat-like product that is available on the free market, which includes the back of a truck on the Jersey Turnpike. Cost savings and all other effects from no food inspections will be passed directly to the customer. This right half of the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant will be built without permits to save money for the customer. All chairs will have three legs. There will be one corner of the right side of the restaurant wrapped in gold and diamonds. Only 1 percent of all customers will be allowed in there. Restaurant rules will require everyone like it that way.

On the left side of the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant, prices will be extraordinarily high although you may notice many of your neighbors eat for free. Much of the left side of the building will be built out of $4,000 hammers, though there will be some wood and brick too. It will be inspected, and solid. Some inspectors will somehow soon own mansions. This half of the restaurant will choose to borrow heavily from a vegetarian on the other side of the world. The cheeseburgers will be spectacular, and so will the bills, causing worry that the vegetarian bankrolling the left side of the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant might begin thinking of switching from cheeseburgers to seaweed. But on the left side of the restaurant, it will be fun not to worry about the vegetarian who keeps lending the restaurant money.

The bar will be strategically in the middle because the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant encourages obstinate confrontational behavior. The bar will serve cheeseburgers missing either cheese or burger.

After all, the Cheeseburger Sequestration Restaurant is more than just a restaurant. It’s also reality TV. It’s just not reality, or is it?