Musings and stories from a 40-something year old slut newbie

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I haven’t let anyone stay over in awhile. A LONGGGGG while. It’s really not so much that I hate sleeping next to someone. It’s that I hate the potential for someone lingering in the morning. I want my space in the morning. I don’t want to deal with someone being in it. But last night’s guy had a flight to catch at 8am, so leaving my place no later than 6:30…I decided to make an exception. I’ll call him…Sexy Geek Guy.

So, SGG had contacted me a few weeks ago, letting me know that he was going to be in town (he lives in another city I do get to for work, sometimes frequently) b/c he has family here. He was looking for something that could be a thing when he was in town roughly 4 times a year. We had a good vibe in messages, and I was open, but then didn’t hear from him for a week or so, and wasn’t sure the deal. Then I was feeling kind of like I was getting a cold and didn’t care. But he did get in touch with me. I told him Wednesday wouldn’t work because I needed to go to bed early and sleep well. But when I woke up Thursday feeling much better, I messaged and let him know I was up for meeting Thursday when he freed up.

Normally I meet guys out for a drink or a bite and if there is chemistry, I don’t mind heading back to my place. Last night I was feeling really lazy, didn’t feel like finding a bar open on Thanksgiving, and didn’t feel like changing out of my jeans and flannel. So, I said SGG could just come over. We could have a drink and if there was no chemistry, we could just be adults and call it. He was good with that as he’d been playing with his niece and nephew all day.

When he showed up, he was a bit geekier than I had expected, at least a first site. But he had a good vibe. We grabbed some wine and sat down on my couch to talk…and talked for about 2 hours before I finally had to say I was tired. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking as he’d obviously been enjoying himself – into the conversation, into playing with my pets…but hadn’t made any moves on me at all. But he suggested we go to bed, and I figured I’d see where things lead…It did take me a few minutes to sort of make the mental switch to see his decidedly non-geeky side. And I am glad I gave it the chance. I really enjoyed the vibe between us. He was controlling, but not too controlling (esp for a first time). And I like that. And with his glasses off and naked, he definitely didn’t look geeky at all 😉 (I don’t really mind geeks at all. He is mega smart, obviously, and the CEO of company he started…I like guys who are intelligent. A lot). I’m relatively certain I probably outweigh him, even though he’s taller (he’s quite thin…but muscular…but thin). So I did have a moment of self-consciousness about my body. But he seemed to absolutely love my curves, so I quickly lost that self-consciousness.

So, it was 1:15am and he had to leave for the airport in just over 5 hours. I wasn’t going to make him go back to his air bnb (he did have his bag with him). So I let him stay…but was wondering what I was going to do about my dog who has to sleep in my bed, as well as my cats who come and go. Luckily, he was cool with all that. And I even woke up to my dog sleeping between his legs. We talked a bit about seeing each other again as he was getting dressed. So, I think we probably will.

This was nice. The guy I kind of liked stood me up last weekend. And another guy cancelled last minute (and the catfish potential guy hasn’t gotten in touch with me in over a week…kik is telling me he hasn’t logged in, so who knows what his deal is. I do have another date set up in his stead for tomorrow). So I was feeling kind of down. I know none of that is about me exactly. Just the nature of dating, especially as I’m doing it. But it can get frustrating. So it was nice to just be reminded that some of the guys I can meet doing this are truly fantastic people – just too busy to have a relationship. And this guy certainly falls within that category. I enjoyed the conversation maybe as much as the sex, and that isn’t to disparage the sex. Just that the conversation was great.

I’ve never appreciated my butt. When I was in high school and college, the hot girls had teeny tiny perky butts. My butt is not teeny. Nor tiny. Perky would not be a term I’d use either. To me, it’s just always been big. And something to hide rather than show off.

But a few weeks ago, I started worrying about whether my marathon training was going to cross over to the point where my butt would get too small (good news for my butt, bad news for my training, I injured myself and am not so worried about losing valuable butt fat). Um. say wut? How did that happen?

Well, a natural part of this, uh, journey has been sexting and exchanging photos. Figuring that it’s better to send a guy running due to my ample bum in advance of actually being in-person naked, when asked for photos, I generally oblige. And, to my shock, the number of men who have asked for more and more photos of my ass has grown.

And I started looking at the photos more closely (or maybe less closely) to try to understand what they saw. And I started to see it too…that, despite some cellulite and lumps, overall I have a butt that someone could grab on to. Maybe it’s juicy. Maybe it’s thick. I don’t know. But it’s feminine and kind of sexy.

Ok, should it require a male gaze of appreciation to get me to appreciate my butt? Sigh. Of course not. But I might not have lived long enough to come to my own conclusion that I have a sexy butt without prompting of the male gaze to tell me that, yes, it is desirable; the objectification of my butt by some men caused me to look at my own butt differently and to see its positives.

I think most people my age think sexting is a terrible thing that will come back and bite “kids these days” in the butt (yes, pun intended). But maybe we’re missing out on the potential positives of normalizing the non-airbrushed, “normal” human body. After all, I’m not sure I have seen many female butts (or boobs, or stomachs, or thighs) that don’t belong to actress/models with the benefit of photoshopping. Maybe living in a world where the naked body isn’t so secretive is a better thing for self acceptance than covering it.