An argument at a golf tournament turned into a fight as several golfers and their caddies began throwing punches at each other. Fans rushed onto the green and joined in. Security was overwhelmed and deserted the green for their own safety. Eventually police arrived to break up the near-riot.

One of the commissioners was heard lamenting to others, “Damn it, now we’re going to get a reputation for being interesting.”

Two scientists are eating at a restaurant. After they both order they are asked if they would like anything to drink. The first says he’ll have some H2O. The second says he’ll have some H2O too. The second one died.

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in
Newport, RI named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard
and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling
them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual
archaeological finds. This guy really exists and does this in his spare
time!

Anyway … here’s the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution.
Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to
respond to a difficult situation in writing.

Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Mr. Williams

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
"1193211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post … Hominid skull." We
have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret
to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents
conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two
million years ago.

Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie
doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children,
believes to be “Malibu Barbie.” It is evident that you have given a
great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be
quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in
the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of
the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
proto-homonids.

The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent
with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating
Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This
latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you
have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence
seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much
detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a
dog has chewed on.

B. Clams don’t have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the
heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to
carbon-dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic
record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced
prior to 1956AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly
inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National
Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning
your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus Back-yardicus.
Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance
of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like
it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it
is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work
you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our
Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display
of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and
the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in
your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you
expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation
of ferrous metal in a structural matrix that makes the excellent
juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the
deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent
wrench.