Thursday, April 12, 2012

William Todd Had Quite The Night Of Crime

10 Hours, 9 felonies=efficiency

This story has circulated the past few days, so I'm going to be brief about what this guy was arrested for with the biggest run-on sentence of all time: burglarized a store, stole a taser, revolver, and a shotgun, fired shots, lit the place on fire, (take a breath), hold 4 people up at gunpoint, pistol whips a guy, steals everyone's money, steals a cab, balls out at Walmart, breaks into a law office, poops everywhere and smears it on their law degrees, (take a breath) breaks into a hotel while impersonating a female and steals 600 dollars all while crying the entire time, (finds time to shave his head), crashes his cab into a parking garage, tears into a mall and dives head first into a penny-fountain, gets arrested.

Yikes. Here's my worst night: didn't check in with my mother when I stayed out past dark, had like 3 beers, chugged vodka, blacked out, threw up on myself, played Mario Party while blacked out and got my ass kicked, woke up in a strange bed, new clothes, and 25 voicemails from my mother, got smacked in the face by my mother.

Eat that William. No where in your string of insane criminal activities did you get smacked in the face by your mother. I'll take the W on that one.