[BASEBALL UNIVERSE, CA] The Baseball Universe was rocked yet again today by the announcement that the Boston Red Sox had agreed to trade Mike Lowell and his expiring contract to self-styled “super-agent” – and destroyer of worlds – Scott Boras. Scott Boras is located somewhere in California we think so that will mean not just a change of uniforms for Lowell but also a long move from the East to West Coast for the once-proud slugger.

Said Boras of his acquisition:

“We just can’t wait to get Mikey into a pair of business khakis and a mock turtle-neck and see what he is capable of doing for me and my organization. And by ‘we,’ just to clarify, I of course mean myself. By all accounts, he’s a great kid.”

At news time, no one could determine the identity of the ‘kid’ to which Boras was referring, leaving the Venuist pool of reporters to conclude that he was referring to the grey-bearded ex-third basemen. Added Boras:

“The only unfortunate matter in this situation, if you can call it unfortunate, is that I didn’t have the privilege of taking on Mikey back in 2007 when he passed up dollars and years from Philadelphia to return to the confines of Fenway Park. Dumb move. I mean seriously, Mikey? Love you to bits and all but that was just plain stupid.”

In return for sending Mike Lowell to Scott Boras, the Red Sox organization has also agreed to pay Lowell’s 2010 salary of $12M and send an additional $9M to Boras so that the Captain Ahab of sports negotiators “could, y’know, buy himself something nice.”

Sadly, "Boras" is not just another one of Sacha Baron Cohen's zany alter-egos!

In related news, the reanimated body of Adrian Beltre was found in front of the Fenway Box Office at daybreak this morning.

Eyewitness accounts report that Beltre was tied, gagged and gift-wrapped with a large sign on his chest which read:

TO: THEO

FROM: THE MAGII

[BTW, THEO, JUST SO YOU KNOW,

IT’S ME BORAS, I’M THE MAGII.

I JUST SIGNED THAT NOTE

WITH A DIFFERENT NAME

SO PEOPLE WOULDN’T KNOW

THAT IT WAS ME AND FIND OUT

THAT I COULDN’T CREATE A

MARKET FOR THIS

BELTRE DUDE AFTER ALL.

WHATEVS.

BON CHANCE! – SCOTT]

Red Sox General Manager, Theo Epstein, officially denied any connection between the Lowell transfer and the conspicuous manifestation of a Gold Glove third baseman on his doorstep in a team press conference held this afternoon. He also downplayed any speculation that the Red Sox were not still planning on opening up the season in April with Kevin Youkilis and Casey Kotchman as the team’s primary corner infielders.

Said Epstein of the mysterious Beltre acquisition, “I honestly have no idea who this Beltre guy is. Never seen him play. Nope. No fucking idea. Hell, you guys said he played up Seattle for the last five seasons, right. Dude, I forgot they even had a team. Let me tell you. Seattle. The Mariners. Unbelievable.” He then laughed smugly before concluding by saying “you guys are hilarious” before he wandered off of the podium muttering to himself wryly and giggling.

This story is a satire. This is not a real AP report. No one at the AP even knows that this fake story exists.