Chatter Boxing Pity- Party Game Over.

I sat outside this morning and let the leaves rain on me. The wind was whipping so wildly I was sitting in a storm of fall . Searching for an answer to a question that has no answer. So I have tried to go through the motions. The closest ways describe what I am going through is grief. I have not lost someone I am just lost.

I am trying to keep perspective that there are other people in the world who are in a lost worse situations and conditions than I am in.

I have finally gotten down to doing some art work. My inspiration comes and goes in waves. I am still standing in my way, but how much of it is in my head and how much of it is my physical issues. I take a few steps forward a few back repeat, then I let everything flood in and get stuck in the bog.

I wanted an answer, I do not know if getting one would have changed anything or just made things worse. So I now know that I may never know why or where the pain is coming from, but maybe at this point in my life I am not supposed to know. Maybe this is one of those it is better left unknown. So I can shift my focus on to what I am supposed to be doing with my life.

So I have done a lot of visualizations (aka vivid day dreams) I can see The Blue Art Project going from a random blog to an active creative business. I want this so badly. Ideas rush through my head faster than I can jot down notes of projects to work on. I was given the gift of creativity and I have let it sit dormant for so long. Now as I have flickers of ideas and the rush of excitement the negative dancing girl has come back singing her song as she has done my whole life “Your sorry, lazy and trifling.” giggling and dancing chanting over and over. As I see the people I love around me making huge steps towards their dreams I sit and watch life pass me by. It is liking I am sitting in a big bay window looking out at all the possibilities, but there is no door to get outside. Just the window for me to watch.

I know that the faith my husband once had that I would create again is gone, it is just another whim. I have let not only myself down I have let him down. I imagine after years of encouragement and nothing ever coming to life one would naturally give up.

I talk, talk, talk, and still do nothing always an excuse later, I don’t feel well, I don’t have this that or the other. I just have not given anyone any reason to believe that I can do this, so as I sat in my leave storm the only person who can changes this is me.

So yet another list, I am making gifts, I had a moment a few weekends ago where I started painting and have yet to go back to it. I have excuses it hurts my back to sit on the sofa and use the coffee table to paint on, which it does but after years of excuses, that is just another “yep she isn’t going to finish that …..ever…. again….

So how do I change how do I stop wallowing in self-pity and take action? How do I stop making excuses and just do something anything?

I am my own worse enemy, I know I just let myself sink deeper into failure mode as that is easier that trying and failing.

“Your sorry, lazy and trifling” I am all those things because I let myself believe they are true, and behave as such.

I need to practice what I preach stop living in the past and live in the moment. At this moment I am tired, lonely, and feel like I have been run over by a bus.

I am letting myself wallow for no good reason.

I have to make the choice to get up out of bed and do it or shut up and let it go. I do not want to let it go, I need to step up to the plate and take action. Be productive and not procrastinate myself to death.

So tonight I will take a step in the right direction. Instead of talking about what I am going to do, I am just going to go and do. Paint ever surface I have in my studio.

My husband will be home soon. I will tell him nothing words are useless and are not getting me anywhere. So wrapping this up. Once he gets home and we visit for a few as he heads off to study I will slip into my studio crank up my iPod and just sling paint, good the bad the ugly. Letting go of it all.

I am the only one that can do this so time to fight for what I want what I feel and what better way to express what I am feeling than with color and images. Get the darkness and doubt from my head out and move on.