Tuesday, June 11, 2013

That lump always comes back, every year June 12, no matter how many years pass by, this is always remembered as the day Jessica left us...where did she go? I'm not sure, but I hope she is playing duck duck goose, picking lots of pretty flowers and wearing pretty dresses everyday and eating chocolate and ice cream, lots of chocolate and ice cream...because what kid doesn't like chocolate and ice cream? And I hope she loves every balloon I send to her, and shares them with all of her friends...hopefully God, or Jesus, or Grammie Adams is teaching her how to share, because that is something I didn't have the chance to teach her.

I used to think about all the things I missed out with her. All the things I could never teach her or show her, all the things I wanted for her...and although sometimes I still think those things. I now think of what I learned from her, and what she taught me...

She taught me unconditional love. I have never loved deeper then I did after meeting her...and I carry this through to all of my daughters. I have 3 daughters by the way... Emily, Alyssa, and Jessica who is happy playing duck duck goose and eating chocolate and ice cream somewhere high in the sky.

She taught me to pay more attention to children with special needs, love them as I would have loved her if she would have had the chance to live and had special needs. But in saying that, treat them no differently, they may have special needs but are just like every other kid in most ways. Reach out to their parents because they are doing an amazing job with unconditional love, and they have one of the toughest jobs in the world...and help in any way I can.

She taught me to give gratitude to the people that gave her life, and that gave us 1 month of snuggles, hand holding incubator time, and time to show each what we meant to each other. I have a special place in my heart for all those special nurses who cared for me and for her and continue to be in touch with us. It is because of you my girls were alive 5 years ago today....

I can't thank all of you enough...everyone who participated, volunteered, donated, sponsored and bought tickets, for this year's 4th Annual IWK 5K - In Memory of Jessica. You all helped me give gratitude to Jessica's only home and help other children in need, something I feel very passionate about and hope to continue doing for many years.

Tonight I will go to sleep remembering and dreaming what it was like 5 years ago to hold Jessica warm, breathing, and heart beating...memories I will never forget.

About Me

I started this blog in March 2008 when I found out that I was pregnant with twin girls diagnosed with TTTS. Because it was so exhausting and emotional for me to tell my story over and over again, this blog became my communication for family and friends. It's been a long journey with a very scary pregnancy, the roller coaster ride in the NICU, the loss of one of my babies, and trying to be a good Mom to my 22 month old little girl at home. Time does not change what happened, but it does help to heal...but for me, my saving grace was running. I started to run regularly after Alyssa was discharged from the hospital Sept 2008, and now I can't stop.

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A child that loses a parent is an orphan.A man who loses his wife is a widower.A woman who loses her husband is a widow.There is no name for a parent that loses a child, for there is no word to describe this pain.