Irrfan Khan (actor) from London

It’s been quite some time now since I have been diagnosed with a high-grade neuroendocrine cancer. This new name in my vocabulary, I got to know, was rare, and due to fewer study cases, and less information comparatively, the unpredictability of the treatment was more. I was part of a trial-and-error game. I had been in a different game, I was travelling on a speedy train ride, had dreams, plans, aspirations, goals, was fully engaged in them. And suddenly someone taps on my shoulder and I turn to see. It’s the TC: “Your destination is about to come. Please get down.” I am confused: “No, no. My destination hasn’t come.” “No, this is it. This is how it is sometimes.” The suddenness made me realise how you are just a cork floating in the ocean with UNPREDICTABLE currents! And you are desperately trying to control it.

In this chaos, shocked, afraid and in panic, while on one of the terrifying hospital visits, I blabber to my son, “The only thing I expect from ME is not to face this crisis in this present state. I desperately need my feet. Fear and panic should not overrule me and make me miserable.” That was my INTENTION. AND THEN PAIN HIT. As if all this while, you were just getting to know pain, and now you know his nature and his intensity. Nothing was working; NO consolation, no motivation. The entire cosmos becomes one at that moment – just PAIN, and pain felt more enormous than GOD.

exhausted, listless, I hardly realised my hospital was on the opposite side of Lord’s, the stadium. The Mecca of my childhood dream. Amidst the pain, I saw a poster of a smiling Vivian Richards. Nothing happened, as if that world didn’t ever belong to me.

This hospital also had a coma ward right above me. Once, while standing on the balcony of my hospital room, the peculiarity jolted me. Between the game of life and the game of death, there is just a road. On one side, a hospital, on the other, a stadium. As if one isn’t part of anything which might claim certainty – neither the hospital, nor the stadium. That hit me hard. I was left with this immense effect of the enormous power and intelligence of the cosmos. The peculiarity of MY hospital’s location – it HIT me. The only thing certain was the uncertainty. All I could do was to realise my strength and play my game better. This realisation made me submit, surrender and trust, irrespective of the outcome, irrespective of where this takes me, eight months from now, or four months from now, or two years. The concerns took a back seat and started to fade and kind of went out of my mindspace. For the first time, I felt what 'freedom' truly means. It felt like an accomplishment. As if I was tasting life for the first time, the magical side of it. My confidence in the intelligence of the cosmos became absolute. I feel as if it has entered every cell of mine. Time will tell if it stays, but that is how I feel as of now. Throughout my journey, people have been wishing me well, praying for me, from all over the world. People I know, people I don’t even know. They were praying from different places, different time zones, and I feel all their prayers become ONE. One big force, like a force of current, which got inside me through the end of my spine and has germinated through the crown of my head. It’s germinating – sometimes a bud, a leaf, a twig, a shoot. I keep relishing and looking at it. Each flower, each twig, each leaf which has come from the cumulative prayers, each fills me with wonder, happiness and curiosity. A realisation that the cork doesn’t need to control the current. That you are being gently rocked in the cradle of nature. more

I appreciate the difficult time you are passing through but what more important is that you have to fight it out. I remember a world famous cyclist whose name I forgot had cancer in the scrotum but he fought it out. The disease spread subsequently to heart and brain but he was relentless in fighting. He got married and has a daughter and still surviving. My wife lived 17 long years and enjoyed life like any normal person. Please follow the doctor's advise build up the mental strength to fight out the disease. It is possible. Wish and pray for your wellness. more

Irfan is a great actor. But more than that, presently I appreciate more his honesty in expressing his emotions. By a strange co-incidence, in one of my poems ( written a decade or two ago), i have called Death as 'the Ticket checker'. Irfan is perhaps referring to cancer only. Anyway, as my family-doctor put it, cancer is a 'Raakshas' , a Demon ! One does not know what treatment Irfan is getting, the Doctors know best. But from whatever I have come to know , during the illness of my late wife due to cancer ( 4th stage, when diagnosed) , 'Immune Therapy' ( eg- Dendritic Cell Therapy ) is a good method for cancer treatment. FDA of USA has approved this type of treatment for pancreatic cancer only, but other countries like Russia, Japan are practicing it for other types too. One does not know what is the position in UK. In any event, the only thing that is in our hands is to wish Irfan best luck for a speedy recovery. more