The Magic SOB forum is for posts of story sequences that are frequently vignette-based. Put those here while actual battle reports can go in Reports From the Field.You must talk like James T. Kirk in this forum at all times. Leonard Nimoy is fine too.

For nearly an entire Rekonstruktion, the Britannian Empire has held the surface of the planet Refuge while the last remnant of the T.L.A. sheltered in a maze of underground caverns. But the balance of power has been slowly shifting. The T.L.A. has acquired powerful weapons and allies, but the Britannians have finally discovered the location of their last redoubt. One way or another, the battle for Refuge ends today...

Captain Harris: "Vice Admiral, our forces have assembled outside the cavern entrance. Do you wish to shuttle down before we begin the assault?"Admiral Blackdog: "I'm afraid I won't be able to lead our ground forces personally this time, Captain. You will need to take command on the surface while I remain here."Harris: "With all due respect, Admiral... I can't say I understand. I would never accuse you of cowardice, but it's not like you to lead troops from orbit."

Blackdog: "There is a reason for my decision. Do you remember the loss of the Tudor last year?"Harris: "Certainly. They ran out of biscuits and there was a riot onboard. Bloody awful fate if you ask me."Blackdog: "That was the official explanation, but I have my own suspicions. Some of the T.L.A. fleet escaped from us when we launched our attack on this system. I suspect they are still out there, waiting for a signal from the ground. When we launch our attack, they will appear and attempt to divert our fleet from providing support. I will need to be somewhere where I can observe both battles."Harris: "Jolly good. I'll be off to join the ground forces now."Blackdog: "Excellent. Good luck, Captain... with you in command, I suspect that Refuge will be in the queen's hands by tomorrow."

Meanwhile in the Bley House, T.L.A. President Bob the Unbuilder is locked in a budget negotiation with opposition leader Jon Boner.

Bob The Unbuilder: "Frankly, Mr. b... aheh... heh..."

Bob: "...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"Jon: "WHAT?"

Bob: "...aheh...Boner."Jon: "Yeah, not like that's gonna get old or anything..."Bob: "As I was saying, attaching a Fiscal Heat Death rider to the bill to avoid the Fiscal Event Horizon was YOUR shitty idea, not mine. So you better give me an actual plan to insult, or I'll..."Jon: "You'll what? Wrench me to death?"Bob: "God dammit."Jon: "Frankly, Mr. President, the way you've been spending the country into the Fiscal Heat Death borders on treasonous. One might almost wonder if you were an agent of the-"

Bob: "I wouldn't go there if I were you. Or did you forget what happened to everyone else who tried to spread that rumor?" Jon: "Yes, but you don't have your chainsaws with you today. I must say, being able to have an open discussion about our country's problems is quite a change of pace."Bob: "Our problem isn't the Goddamn Fiscal Heat Death, just like it wasn't the Fiscal Event Horizon or the Fiscal Apocalypse or the Fiscal Precipice before that. Our problem is the army of Britannians converging on the last remnant of our civilization, and I will do everything I can to stop them. And the only reason you don't have a running chainsaw for a colon right now is because every production center we still control is busy making weapons for all the new volunteers who've joined the military to fight them off... unlike you."Jon: "Whatever you say. But I suspect you are not as violent as you appear, Mr. President-"

Bob: "If you'll excuse me, Speaker, I need to go defend my country. If you've got the balls to join our troops on the surface, you'll see just how violent I am."

Shortly afterwards...Bob: "Get everyone ready, we've only got a few more minutes. And I still need to check on like Bonn-o-Tron... ah, here we are."

Bob: "Are you ready for action, clone? That plan of yours had better work."Cloned DeadlySpaceMan: "You may call me Chrome. And yes, I am ready to execute the plan."

Chrome: "The ship is not built to the same standards of craftsmanship as a Deadly SpaceMan vessel, but it will serve my purposes well enough."

Bob: "And your troops?"Chrome: "Likewise. They will be adequate for the mission I have planned."Jump Commando Sergeant: "We're right here, you know."Bob: "Excellent. You'll launch along with our first wave."Chrome: "Do not dictate my strategy to me. You should be more concerned for your own safety, given your lack of weapons."

Bob: "Dammit, he's right though. The only thing harder than intimidating your political opponents with a wrench is taking over a Britannian Landship with a wrench."

Captain Maximillian Emil-Mannerheim Von Klaus and His Mustache: "I believe I can help with zat."Bob: "Von Klaus! How've you been?"Klaus: "Quite vell. I bring a gift from ze Kaiser himself, to our loyal ally."

Klaus: "Ze Chain of Command, useful against both vun's political opponents und his enemies on ze battlefield. Made from ze cudgel of Hammerman himself!"Bob: "Goddamn this is amazing. Convey my thanks to the Kaiser. By the way, how is our new ambassador settling in?"Klaus: "Mr. President, no ambassador from your country has arrived on any of our vorlds."Bob: "Really? He must be late. I'll have to look into it once we win this battle."

Klaus: "Ja, good luck to you. Auf Wiedershein!"Bob: "Damn, this is a good day."

Director of Homeland Security: "Sir, an envoy from the Britannians has just arrived. Should I admit him?"Bob: "Go ahead."

Bob: "All right, what do you want? And make it quick."Envoy: "This is an impressive display of military power, Mr. President. But it cannot stand against the might of our empire. If you were to surrender to us, we would accept you as allies and-"

Bob: "Boring."

Bob: "..."Secretary of Offense: "Mr. President?"Bob: "... FUCK yes."Secretary of Defense: "Sir, if you do not intend to surrender, we need to deploy our troops in a few minutes -"Bob: "That gives us some time. Find a platform, I need to speak to our troops."

Bob: "I know that all of us are sick and tired of hiding beneath the ground. But In less than ten minutes, we will march back out onto the surface and we will take it back! Our army is stronger than it has ever been since the Exodus. Our Motherships have been rebuilding the fleet, and they will keep the enemy vessels occupied while we defeat the Britannian ground forces.""The Kaiser of Bavaria himself sent me this hammer. We have allies beyond the edge of the system, nations that will come to our aid, if we can just break through the blockade around our planet. And mark my words -- we will. We will not hide ourselves beneath the surface, or even within a single system. The T.L.A. once ruled the stars, and once we win this battle we will reclaim them!"Bob: "The Britannians had the gall to send an envoy and ask us to surrender. He didn't think we had the might to face them head on like Bonn-o-Tron. But I did to him what we're about to do to the rest of them. And if any of them, or any of you, doubt our ability to kick their asses all the way out of our system, out of the Galaxy itself, and take back what's ours, I have only one thing to say-"