Tag: zodiac

Aries

Hallelujah – Pentatonix

You’re a traditionalist at heart, and you privately think Hallelujah is the fucking most gorgeous song ever. Aries, you’re one to have a hot toddy and get all misty-eyed while mumbling along. This Pentatonix cover is acapella so it’s JUST different enough to capture your goldfish-like attention. You’ll never admit how beautiful you think it is–that is, until you’ve had a few.

Taurus

Happy XMas (War Is Over) – Celine Dion

First of all, fuck John Lennon. This Celine cover is incredible and you know it Taurus!! You love the message of this song, because it’s not too Jesus-y but it’s about treating others with respect and kindness. You also believe that you can hit those high notes like Celine when you’re alone in your car. Sure, babe!

Gemini

Santa Tell Me – Ariana Grande

You’re such a tricky little B, Gemini. You’re obsessed with the idea of mistletoe and getting kissed under it. You want an Xmas flirtation more than you want a new iPhone. A traditional Christmas song just won’t do for you. An Ariana bop it is!

Cancer

Last Christmas – Taylor Swift

You get the most emo Christmas song, Cancer. For you Christmas is definitely a time of reflection. While Wham! is nice, you’ve never really escaped your 2008-self. That’s why you instantly adore this Taylor cover. You’re dedicating it to all your exes. Especially the idiot nursing his whiskey and crying to Pentatonix.

Leo

All I Want For Christmas Is You – Mariah Carey

Did you think we would make you anything other than the most popular Christmas song like…ever? OFC you’re Mariah, Leo! Christmas is all about you!!!! Like Mariah Carey, you’ve probably made all your friends/siblings/children memorize the backing vocals so you can sing lead. Good work.

Virgo

Step Into Christmas – Elton John

You stan a classic, Virgo. This Christmas song is super jazzy and dance-able. It makes you smile immediately when you put it on. You love Christmas because you get to be in charge of decorating, list-making, and gift-giving. It’s all about order and preparation, which is where you thrive! Luckily, singing along won’t throw off whatever psychotic system you’ve prepared for wrapping presents and decorating the tree.

Libra

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays – N’Sync

Christmas for you is all about feeling cozy, Libra. It’s just the right amount of love and cookies and decorations. That’s why you’re a song that celebrates the feeling of the season! Because you’re a Libra and all about balance, you’re not just saying Merry Christmas, you’re also wishing everyone a happy holidays! Shout out to Jews!

Scorpio

Baby It’s Cold Outside – Rod Stewart and Dolly Parton

Scorpio, you’re the best possible version of the worst possible song. This song is probably about date rape? No one can really tell. But Dolly Parton and Rod Stewart together is absolute magic. This song is sleezy but also a little sexy–like you! If you’re mad that we didn’t make you the Meghan Trainor version that is sooooo Scorpio of you.

Sagittarius

My Only Wish (This Year) – Britney Spears

Your secretly squishy heart loves this song. Also, it’s Britney so–duh. You love this song. It’s poppy and fun like you and reveals your most hidden desires, which you’re not so great at doing IRL. I hope you find the Justin to your Britney this year, boo boo.

Capricorn

Say All You Want For Christmas – Nick Jonas and Shania Twain

You’re trying to act like you don’t love a little drama in your life, but Capricorn, you do. You’re desperate for some Christmas love to disrupt the placid waters you’re currently floating in, going nowhere. This dazzling duet is just as complex and capable of love as you are. If you were Nick Jonas, I would kiss you rn.

Aquarius

Mistletoe – Justin Bieber

My forever young-at-heart and oh so enthusiastic Aquarian, this J Biebs song is sO you. The beat is super catchy, the lyrics are cute, and it’s chill as fuck but people still get so hype when it comes on. Sound familiar?

Pisces

Hoping For Snow – The Vamps

Pisces baby, you’re non traditional and would be a Christmas song we’ve never heard of but you’re stanning ever since it came out. The song is actually good, which you’ve been saying the entire time you showed it to us. Okay, we get it! I hope Santa Claus brings you the validation you so clearly need to function!!!! Yay!

BONUS

All the signs are also somehow the Chanukah Song Part II (the better one)! Great! Thanks!

Can you believe it’s ONLY Tuesday? Since we’ve heroically made it to the second day of the work week, I am sharing photos of my raison d’être, which just so happens to be cheese.

Call it a cheese plate, a cheese board, a charcuterie, or if you’re my ex boyfriend a “char-coot.” Whatever the hell it is, it’s delicious. American Airline’s fruit and cheese box could never. Starbucks cheese bistro box is shook. Look at these photos of meats and cheeses and fruits and chill. We’ll make it to the weekend soon.

Aries

Aries needs some spicy meats and tangy sauces and spreads to go with their cheese selection. They hate olives but that doesn’t mean they don’t want them on the plate for aesthetic purposes. What’s in that brie? You have no idea. Pass the gabagool!

Taurus can’t seem to guilt themselves into eating a mainly cheese plate. They know they need to keep it fresh with some veggies and fruits. However, they will eat all the cheese and drizzle every bite with honey. Sorry not sorry.

OFC Gemini would include something sweet like chocolate on their charcuterie to mess with the balance. How is this decadent, sweet, sour, salty, good, and terrible all at once? Honestly all we want is mouthful of tomato and cheese followed by a handful of pomegranate seeds.

Baby mama of the zodiac, your cheese plate doesn’t play. It’s like 80% cheese. You came here to feed yourself and everyone else and you know what the good stuff ACTUALLY is. None of this cornichon business. You’ve already shoveled like 4 handfuls of cheese in your mouth while I’ve been talking, haven’t you?

Leo, you like to look good, but you don’t care if your food does. It’s fine if its all kind of mashed together as long as its tasty AF. You dropped some major coin on those marcona almonds but they were worth it tbh. You’re prettier than your plate is, but you’ll still take a pic next to it because you’re proud.

Everything about this cheese plate is neat and in its place. Even the herbs. Plus, the pumpkin makes it homey AF. Don’t touch it though. You’ll ruin it! You know what, you’re probably better off serving it to people than letting them take what they want, you absolute control freak. I would hate you but this does look good.

Libra your cheese plate is just as fun and whimsical as you are. You included things people typically wouldn’t think to and flavor combinations that might seem zany, but are damn good. You’re so creative I just want to take a bite out of that brie, and you…damn

You cool ass Scorpio bitch!!!!!! Look at this vaguely Mediterranean set up!!! How did you come up with this? How are you so crafty? Get that prosciutto-wrapped breadstick out of your mouth. It’s giving me ideas.

You don’t need much to make a good meal, and you know that Sag. You take some simple stand out flavors and enjoy the simple but still delectable combos. You know what works AND you made deviled eggs with bacon too? You absolute charcuterie genius.

A post shared by Hannah (@healthyhanner) on Sep 30, 2018 at 12:33pm PDT

Papa of the Zodiac, you wanted to make sure everybody got some bread or a cracker to pair with their meat and their cheese. Your detail-oriented-ness has not gone unnoticed here what with the orderly set up and the peanut butter pretzels, but it’s SO YOU to forget to slice your cheese. How are we supposed to eat this? Break it off? I’m leaving with a whole wedge in my purse. BYE

A post shared by shojiscreen (@shojiscreen) on Sep 30, 2018 at 2:37pm PDT

Aquarius my little air headed baby, what the fuck is this and why do I love it? I can’t identify some of the things on your plate but you probably found them at some cool market I’ve never heard of and thought it might go well with your other ingredients. Well it DOES.

A post shared by Now Boarding (@nowboardingfoods) on Sep 28, 2018 at 11:23am PDT

Pisces, as the mom-friend you went all out on your cheese board and it looks fucking divine. But could you shut up about all the work you went to? No one asked you for this!!! Eat a fig with some of that blue cheese and shutup. I love you.

Taurans are reliable, grounded, and classic, just like spaghetti and meatballs. You can dress them up or dress them down, but at the end of the day it’s still a dish (and a zodiac sign) you have no problem with.

People tend to worry about you twisty little freaks, and for good reason–you can turn on a dime. While you might seem and even taste delicious and buttery, nothing will get you sick quicker than bad shellfish. For that reason, Geminis are linguine with clams.

“In this family, Thai noodles count as pasta”–something a Libra would say. You’re super chill but you’re always down to explore. Pad thai is the perfect balance of tastes for your palate (and personality).

Pesto pasta truly captures the essence of artsy, practical, know-it-all, Capricorn. For starters, you fucking love that you’re the only pasta on this list that’s green. Also, you probably already have a recipe for pesto that you LOVE. Bye.

Because you fear being alone and not being liked, you over compensate by doing the absolute most. It’s fine though, you’re so yummy everyone forgives you for giving them a stomachache, just like stuffed shells!