His death is hitting me pretty hard. It’s hard to see someone make it to 63 and still decide to give up the fight. It’s hard to see how much genuine love, warmth, and kindness he had to give to everyone . . . but wasn’t able to see himself in the same way that we experienced him.

It makes me think of others in my life, who do a similar thing. So hard and critical of themselves. Never giving themselves a break. Never seeing themselves through other’s eyes. Never seeing how truly loving, gentle, humbling, and kind they are or what it is they do and bring into other’s lives.

So much focus on being perfect. On not being good enough. Or not meeting expectations. So much attention on what it is that they’re doing wrong, that they miss all of the things that they’re doing right. Not appreciating or valuing what it is they actually bring to the table of life.

And it’s heartbreaking. It’s heartbreaking to see someone so genuine, real, warm, gentle, loving . . . something the world is so greatly lacking in right now, not know or see or comprehend the tremendous value they bring to us.

What are we doing to ourselves that we value these things *so* little, that those who are filled with genuineness, love, and warmth, are made to feel like they are worthless? I can’t say enough how heartbreaking this is. How reflective this is of the state of things. The useless bickering and complete bullshit nonsense that we waste our lives on. It makes me feel so angry inside and hurt. It makes me feel ashamed to be a human.

I feel pathetic in the face of things like this. It makes me realize how easily I can become lost in trivial things. Robin was said to not just be generous with material items, but with his time. He gave of himself. Time and being fully present with another human being is the most valuable thing you could give to another person. It’s personal because you only have a finite amount of it to spend in a lifetime, so who you spend it with and how you choose to spend it is important.

What is it all for? Why do we do all of the things we do each day, if it’s not from a place of love? What is the point of being alive if it’s just to exist or to survive? We all act like when we get *there* or get that future goal accomplished or conquered or overcome, THEN we’ll feel better or feel alright. But that never fucking happens.

And do you want to know why? Because we forget to be in love while on the journey. We forget to be in love with the journey. Whether you are a scientist, analyst, journalist, comedian, housewife, janitor . . . it doesn’t matter, you should still be coming from a place of love from within yourself. No excuses.

I’m sorry. I’m feeling really angry and sorrowful inside. I feel like we just lost one of the truly good ones in the world. I am angry that he didn’t get to feel and know inside of himself while alive, how important and valuable his gifts were to the world. I am angry that the collective wasn’t willing or able to reflect back to him, what he so freely gave to the collective.

I’m angry that I currently live in a world where someone like him is made to feel alone and isolated and so desperate to end the pain he felt inside. And some of the heartless remarks made in reference to him taking his own life . . . all I have to say to any and all of those folks is, “Fuck.You.”

And an energetic punch to the face. Because fuck you again.

I know what it’s like to fight depression myself. I know what it’s like to have someone you love and very close to you try to take their life. It is not a black and white issue.

From everything that I’ve personally experienced & witnessed in regards to true depression and attempted/successful suicide, is that it stems from an internal fight inside to try and keep your heart intact while trying to learn how to navigate and survive a world that’s become ruled by cold and heartless people who aren’t even aware themselves that they are cold and heartless.

It is the toughest battle a human can embark on. It takes incredible heart and courage to make the decision everyday to fight that battle. Every day you make it, is a personal triumph and something to be proud of. So when one of those who are fighting the good fight goes down? Give them the motherfucking respect they deserve for having made it that far.

I’m still brand spanking new to the whole blog awards thing, so it still takes me a little bit of time to calm myself down and get back to normal breathing. Having said that, I really don’t think that it’s something that I’m ever going to get used to because of how much it means to me.

Everyone has their reasons for blogging. Some want to help educate others, some are a form of self-therapy, some to be a resource, some to promote a business, some are about their hobby, etc. Each reason is just as valid as another.

I have various reasons that I blog. I have a deep need to share the things I learn with others. But the blog itself, is the culmination of many years of hard work in overcoming my fears of self expression and being noticed. And when I say fears, I mean TERROR.

Once upon a time, when I would attempt to creatively express my thoughts, I would just go mute. My throat constricted and I wasn’t able to even attempt to speak. It didn’t matter if I was trying to verbally speak, or even trying to write in a journal while I was alone . . . the ability to communicate my personal feelings or thoughts was just not possible. I would instead just talk about things that were trivial, or I would focus on the other person in the hopes that the conversation didn’t turn to me. If it did, I would either go into the deer in headlights look O.O . . . or talk around it until the person was distracted away from me.

I spent the first 3 decades of my life mastering the art of invisibility. “Please don’t see me.” If attention in any form were to be directed at me, my mind would go blank and my face would turn scarlet red. Meetings at work were the worst. During the most intense of those moments, I mostly focused on trying not to puke or faint in front of everyone. Later, once I was alone, tears were sure to follow.

The journey to here, to where I now blab my ever loving head off to anyone who happens to find their way into my little spot on the internet, has been years and years of persistent pushing and healing of myself. And the blog awards are a double-edged sword to me. So would I *like* to be on WordPress’ Freshly Pressed? On the one hand, it would be a hallmark in my journey of self healing. Saying to me, “Look me! Look how far we’ve come!” (<– I used to be concerned that I sometimes refer to myself in the plural. But I figure, hey . . . at least I’m not alone.) On the other hand, that level of attention (assuming it brought the level I’ve seen on other blogs) would probably require that I breathe into a brown paper bag for at least a week to keep from moving into full blown panic.

But I think that would actually ultimately be beneficial in my journey. And so yes. Yes, I would like to be Freshly Pressed. And I’m not ashamed to admit it. (<– that’s a total lie.)

So thank you so much, Kim Saeed, for this nomination and for inadvertently being a part of my journey of self healing. The nomination both scares the poop out of me, as well as makes me cry . . . and motivating me to keep pushing forward. I appreciate you thinking of my blog when you were choosing people to nominate. That makes me feel pretty special to be *seen* by you. 😀

” . . . If you’re going to be judged and misunderstood regardless . . . then why not let yourself just be who you are inside? ”

“. . . at least that way, you’ll know with complete confidence that you have nothing to be sorry for . . . ”

“. . . and whoever it is that you are . . . whether it be evil . . . whether it be good . . . what does it matter? How can you expect yourself to be anything other than who you are?”

I expend so much energy trying to hide so many parts of myself from others. All of the things that have tried to come out, and then were yelled at or told they were bad by others. All of the things misunderstood . . . tighten themselves small and they huddle inside my core seeking protection.

Afraid to be seen . . . afraid to be judged . . . afraid to come out and find out that they are evil . . . hated . . . unloved.

I’m tired of the fight . . . the fight to keep those things hidden when I’m around others.

I’m tired of hiding these parts of me.

For me, they are my emotions. They show my sensitivity. They show how much I care. They show how much others affect me. And I am ashamed of them.

I’m ashamed of how easily I cry. I’m ashamed of how much and how often simple things move me.

I don’t like how others respond to me when they see my tears . . . I want to say, “My tears don’t mean I’m weak. My sensitivity doesn’t mean I’m fragile or that I need to be handled with kid gloves.”

When I hide my tears . . . when I use all of the muscles in my body to stop them from showing . . . when I use even more muscles to keep from looking like I’m trying to not cry . . . then I’m not okay. Then I am being weak. Then I am closed. Then I am not in my power. I am hiding. I am fighting myself to not be seen.

I keep waiting for a day when it’s okay to be me. Waiting for others to be more accepting and understanding of each other. While I wait for this fictitious day to arrive, I corral my sensitivity and feelings into the dark shadows and lock them behind a gate when I’m around others so they don’t accidentally pop out unexpectedly. I seem to think this will up my chances of being accepted by others.

I’m sure others do the same. All of us walking around with the parts of us that we hide in the shadows whispering, “Please accept me . . . please accept me . . . ”

My breaking point is being breached . . . and I can’t do it anymore. I can’t hide any of myself in the shadows anymore. I just can’t.

I’d rather die.

When I hide aspects of me, it already is a sort of death. A slow suffocation.

But I also feel like I will die if someone sees me in my raw emotions. It would almost be easier for me to go into the middle of downtown and strip down naked.

When I write that I am crying . . . I am literally crying. There are actual tears happening. But to most who know me in real life, my crying is like some myth. Sure, you read stories about it . . . but you don’t actually ever see it for real.

For me to be healthy, I must feel whatever I’m feeling in the moment I’m feeling it. I hate meetings or anything that forces me to be around a bunch of people, because then I feel forced to restrain my emotions until I can get away to a quiet place alone and feel all of the emotions I repressed. If I’m able to. Usually once I’ve halted my feelings, it’s hard to call it back to express it. Which is why it is so important for me to feel it in the moment, so that it may leave me immediately.

If I were to learn how to be comfortable expressing my emotions no matter who I was with or how many people were around me . . . I would always wish to be in other’s company. I would no longer need to hide away.

I am so reserved around others because I’m using all of my resources to keep my emotions from showing. It’s exhausting for me to hold things in for too long. However, too many times when I’ve let my feelings show . . . I’ve felt humiliated by the person or outright rejected.

I don’t think others doubt how strong I am. But I feel many would be surprised by how much I feel . . . how much I care . . . how much I love . . . how much the world I see around me moves me.

When I go for walks alone . . . I may just see a butterfly in the middle of a field of grass . . . or two of them . . . and see them start dancing with each other . . . and I feel something so profound move through me, that tears will just start pouring down my face . . . and then it’s gone, but I’m left with such gratitude, satisfaction, and happiness for life.

All my Aries in the 1st house, my emotions are raw . . . I feel and emote with no filters. They burst out of me in all of their rawness taking myself and others by surprise. Not so much my anger . . . it’s my tears and my laughter. I don’t know when it’s going to happen . . . I don’t know in advance what is going to move me . . . so I hold myself tight and rigid at all times I’m in public so that one doesn’t escape me and embarrass me.

The older I get, the harder it becomes to stop holding myself tight even when I’m alone. I can’t be one way at home and another way in the world. I need to always be how I am at all times. I’m always changing from moment to moment . . . while I stay constant in being myself.

It’s not something I will ever overcome . . . I either am expressing and living it . . . or I am suppressing and repressing it. There is no overcoming it. There is no transcending it. Why would I want to? It’s pure expression from my soul.

Why am I so ashamed of it? I don’t know. I don’t think it matters anymore. I just need to start being it again. No more analyzing it. No more rationalizing it. No more avoiding it. Just start living it.

I’ve been swimming the seas of over-passiveness and by this point my inner aggressor is drunk on margaritas and face down in the pool, “Wooooot” ing into the water along with a feeble attempt at fist pumping the air.

It’s time somebody sobered up that SOB and let her know that the pity party is OVER. Everyone out of the pool! Put your drinks down and get your ass up and get dressed. We’re going to town.

Having been in that place with no to little willpower, low self confidence, lack of motivation and passion for a little while has been instrumental in helping me understand what I’m up against.

For one, I understand better that when I go all BraveHeart on people and they just look at me and go . . . “eh.” That it really isn’t personal! They currently aren’t *able* to feel what I’m saying. That totally helps me understand the Pluto in Libra on my descendant. It’s Libra, an air sign . . . intellect. It’s Pluto, a water sign . . . emotion. I run into powerful people who intellectualize their emotions instead of actually feeling them. Not only that but I also have Uranus in the 7th house . . . an air sign, in Scorpio . . . a water sign.

Well OMG that explains a lot. Those poor jerks aren’t actually feeling the things I feel . . . no WONDER they aren’t able to support me or understand what I’m going on about. I hand my power over because I thought they knew better. They can talk about the same things that I do, and so it *sounds* to me like they understand what I understand . . . but they don’t actually experience and feel the things I do. I believed more in their intellectualized version of what I’m talking about, than I believed in my own actual experience of what I’m talking about. Every time I’ve done that, I’ve lost my own self confidence and power.

I’ve gone from being able to feel those things, to NOT being able to experience those things (and now on my way back). When I’m not able to feel or experience those things, and others try to give me pep talks or rouse me up, I’m just not able to experience a reaction in my body at all like that mechanism doesn’t exist. It feels like you’re dead inside except that you’re suffering in endless anxiety and pain. {shiver} It’s a place of being SO passive, that nothing is able to rouse you or get you going. You just suppress EVERYTHING that might make you respond in a way that is anything less than perfect. Ugh! Yuck! No!

You can keep it . . . you can have your self righteous, perfect model of a citizen, repressed, dead of feelings, superiority complex, isolated, alone, and misunderstood life if that’s what you want. If that’s your idea of a “win”, then knock yourself out.

{Spitting the rest of the taste of bitterness and death out of my mouth} So gross.

That’s not the life I know and love. Mine is fun, warm, full of life, and varying degrees of awesome. You can come join me in mine, but I’m no longer going to go join you in yours. That place is literally.hell.

That is a miserable, miserable place. I feel like I need to take endless thousand degree showers to wash off the cold and ick from being there. It is SO AWFUL. It’s just endless torment and gray skies and aloneness. It’s endless competition for who hurts the most so that the other wounded have to suck it up and help the most hurt. It’s an endless cycle.

Everyone there thinks they ARE their hurt. You can’t heal or let go of your hurt if you think that’s who you are. Otherwise every time you try to open and let go of it, you lose yourself (or who you think you are). So you are perpetually wounded forever!

I have Chiron (deepest wound) in my 1st house of Self. If ANYONE in the zodiac is going to feel forever wounded inside (if that were a thing), it would be the person with Chiron in their 1st house. But guess what?! I am able to heal mine. The memory of it doesn’t go away, but the pain does. That pain and ache DOES heal. It CAN be healed.

It may be in my 1st house, but it is NOT who I am. Chiron is actually that thing in us that we were so good at . . . SO EXCELLENT at, but one day when we had reached our most awesomeness in that thing . . . something happened . . . and we fell. When you’re up that high . . . you are going to fall and it’s going to hurt. The thing that you did best, becomes your deepest wound. So you become haunted with this memory of having been able to do *that* thing . . . but alas . . . you’ll never be that again. So it hurts . . . it stings.

To heal that wound, you have to work to become that thing again. Will you ever be the same as before the fall? No! And you don’t want to be! That’s why you fell! Arrogance! You got too big for your britches (and I’m mostly talking to me) and thought you were all that and a bag of chips . . . and then something came along and knocked you off your high horse . . . and the humiliation and even the idea that you could be knocked down or defeated . . . is such a wound to your pride.

When you start to heal from that wound, you start to gain back the things that went missing in you because of the initial wound happening. But this time it’s tempered with wisdom. You now have an understanding that you aren’t infallible. You aren’t going to be that same prick that you were the last time you were at that level . . . and if you do start to fall back into it . . . your wound will be poked and you’ll start to fall again. So in that respect, no the wound never leaves you. However, it serves a huge purpose by keeping you honest and on your path. It helps keep you from making the same mistakes. If you feel your wound getting touched . . . you better check yourself . . . because you’re falling back into old habits.

But what Chiron’s wound *doesn’t* mean, is that you are doomed to feel that hurt for your whole life. No. Just, no. That’s incorrect.

My wound being in Taurus in my 1st house conjunct all my awesome Aries Venus/Mars and Taurus Mercury, is my ability to speak up for myself. My confidence in myself. My ability to defend myself. It’s in my fear of being left alone when I do speak up. It’s in not being supported by others when I speak my truth and what I feel and experience in my body to be true. It’s about how I HAVE to speak and live those truths or I become ill and start to die inside.

It heals when I stop looking outside of myself for validation. It heals when I find the courage to stand alone in what I feel and know to be true inside me . . . even if everyone walks away from me. It heals when I do this, but ALSO stay open and receptive to others. It heals whenever someone tries to convince me that how I feel is wrong or incorrect, and I stand in myself and say, “No. For me this is true. And it’s no less valid than how you feel. I get to feel this and I get to let this be my reality and not feel bad about it.”

And when it heals . . . I feel such love and peace in me. I drop all pretenses and defenses . . . and I’m okay with how everything is. It’s all fine just the way it is and I wouldn’t change any of it for the world.

I go in and out of that. So sometimes you get a Jenn that’s all open and sunshine and sometimes you walk into a Jenn that has all the doors slammed close and is freaking out inside.

I will get back to that place of peace. And I will learn how to stay there always so that you’ll always encounter the open and sunshiney Jenn. I hope to someday gain that wisdom to stay there.

Because confidence feels good. It feels like you are on top of the world and like NOBODY can bring you down. And it is hard to NOT become arrogant in that space. I start getting a swagger in me. I start walking down the sidewalk like I’m on a perpetual catwalk. Me.ow. Yep, I’m on fire and I’m about to take this whole place down to its knees. Until a second later where my wound gets poinked and then I’m in internal freakout mode and start to shut down. Then I just look like a quivering rabbit trying to dart out of sight of the eagle coming down to get me.

But it feels even BETTER to be in that space, and to be open and humble. It feels a million times better. I feel more trusting of life. I feel more trusting that I’ll use the power I gain from my confidence in a positive way. That I’ll use it to make the world I live in a better place. As long as I’m in that space of being, I won’t feel any of the pain of my wound. But if I stray even one iota . . . down I’ll go.

This is what my confidence and power feel like inside of me with no apologies:

What was most touching for me, was seeing one of the young boys who was supporting the bullied child get choked up with tears while speaking about what they were doing, and then the reassuring pats on the shoulder from his friends. Not to mention the bullied child, Danny, is just about the most adorable thing you’ll see all day. {big choked up super sigh}

But in that same moment, I felt my heart grow 3 sizes bigger (you know . . . Grinch-like . . . because it is the holidays and all) and I felt a pull and need also go out to the ones who do the bullying.

[Side note: Because I don’t want to take away from the inspiration and message of the video, I’d like to shift the focus from it being about the bullies of this specific incident to making it about bullies in general, even though I may refer to the incident as an example.]

What came up, was a feeling of sorrow and heartbreak for the bullies as well as the bullied. The same kind of feeling that might come up in a mother who has just found out her own child has been hurt and humiliated, except I felt it simultaneously for both sides.

As the clip went on, I felt a sense of warmth, healing, and support for the one who was bullied. I felt hope. I felt very proud of the boy’s classmates for making such a gesture. Peer pressure in school is harsh, and these young boys had to have a lot of courage to do what they did.

But the part of me that felt the sorrow and heartbreak for the bullies, continued to feel cold and neglected. And it hurt. And it made me want to cry for them. It made me want to hold them in my arms in love. All of them. Because they are young too . . . and they are already losing their way . . . and I don’t ever see anyone stepping in to help them with love, compassion, or support.

Children model what they are shown (in their own individualistic way). And for bullies, somewhere along the line, the adults and people in their lives have let them down. They are then punished for it, and made to carry the burden of their ancestor’s sins. How are they supposed to learn acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness when they are shunned, out-casted, and repeatedly told how despicable bullies are by all of society?

It feels like the moment we put the label “bully” onto a child, they cease to become human. They become these ugly, snarly-toothed, drooling, incomprehensible monsters (Tasmanian Devil comes to mind) that everyone comes to boo and hiss and throw tomatoes at. Booo! You Loser! How dare you make a bad life decision at the age of six! You should probably go ahead and pack your bags and leave the planet because you’re not wanted here.

Okay, so maybe I’m over exaggerating. (maybe.)

But I think the point I’m trying to make is that we need to separate unacceptable behavior from the person themselves. Their behavior is what is unacceptable. Not them. How ironic is it that we cannot see that the bully is not his bad behavior, even as we punish him (or her. equal opportunity for being an asshole.) for not seeing or understanding that the disability (or insert whatever here. . . being poor, ugly, uncoordinated, etc.) is not the identity of the kid they are bullying?

Are we not a world just brimming to the teeth full of hypocrisy and judgment?

Quit polarizing. It’s unflattering and it makes your ass look fat.

I feel if we really want to put a stop to things such as bullying, we need to stop bullying the bully. (<— wait . . . am I currently being a bully to the people bullying the bulliers . . . oh lawd help me!)

Because truthfully, we all have an inner bully. Whether it’s towards ourselves or others . . . spoken out loud or kept quiet deep inside of us . . . it’s there. “I’m too fat.” “I’m such an idiot.” “I’m so ugly.” “I’m hungry.” (That last one was just to see if you were paying attention. And I’m actually hungry.) When we are so ruthless and unforgiving of bullies, we are being just as ruthless and unforgiving of our own inner bully.

If we are sincere in our wish to stop the bullying, then I feel the entire approach and the way we perceive it needs to be completely revolutionized. Instead of ‘good victimized kid’ vs. ‘bad devil spawn kid’, we need to see them both as children who are in a long trial and error process of learning how to grow into awesome adult version of themselves within a world full of other awesome human beings (that are sometimes going to act like assholes).

Maybe when a situation like this happens, we could doing something like bring the kid that was bullied and all of his friends into one area. Bring the kid that was bullying and all of their friends into another area. Have understanding, supportive adults who are capable of being in a non-judgmental space with each group.

Have each group hold the space for them (the bullier and bullied), to let them vent out their feelings regarding the situation. Not judge if it’s right or wrong . . . just let them say whatever needs to come out. Let the friends they trust, be there to give witness to their pain or anger or upset. Not try to rush it. Not try to fix it. Not try to justify it. Not try to make it less than it is. Just to let them have the feelings they are having.

The adults can stand as the solid ground for the students as they work to get themselves right side up.

Once a feeling of peace, calm, acceptance, and understanding has become the dominant tone for the whole group, (for both groups) . . . then make the transition of moving both groups together into a 3rd neutral area, and allow the two halves to harmonize with each other (the same way as they did as separate groups) and mend the break/hurt that happened due to the situation.

It doesn’t mean they have to agree or even like each other.

But they can gain expanded awareness and understanding of things that are different outside of themselves. They can learn how to respect and honor those differences. They can learn how to accept people as they are without trying to change or control them. And because of that, they can learn how to accept all of themselves as well . . . including their own inner bully.

Because they will have been shown, that even if they mess up or have a bad day and act like a total jackass, they won’t be hung from the ceiling by their toenail and tortured with an organic carrot . . . instead, they’ll be given priceless tools that will help them in real life as adults by showing them how to make amends (regardless of what ‘side’ they’re on), as well as being given an opportunity to try again with a sense of community and support.

Instead of condemning the bullies, how about we show them a better way.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling like my dreams had spent the night trying to cheer me up. Trying to show me . . . Me.

It was a series of various scenarios trying to show me new perspectives of myself.

One, I was with a woman who I seemed to be good friends with in the dream, and we were out running errands or something. She got a call from a friend who needed something. When she hung up, she was venting and frustrated. “God! It’s always something with her! It’s not like with you, where everything feels like an adventure!”

Then she went off to help the other woman. After she had gone, I went and sat in my car for a little bit, confused. I was the fun one? I was the one that she’d rather hang out with? And because it was a dream, and dreams being magical in their own right, I opened up to the idea.

And just like I wrote about in my post To Love and Be Loved, I got to feel how the other person experienced and felt me. It’s like my brain pretended my friend was me and vice versa. And when the feeling overcame me, I thought . . . O.O “Oh my god, *She* is so fun. Everything *does* feel like an adventure. And magical! It took what was previously a cold, too real, sobering day . . . and made it feel fun and warm and sparkly.

Transitioning back to me being me, and her being her . . . was a little hard. It was hard for me to own my own goodness . . . but it also felt really, really good to allow that possibility into me. And I can’t say this word enough . . . but humbling. Humbling in every sense of the word. This is not false modesty, trying to say it was hard to own my goodness. Me not believing deep in my heart that I’m a good person, has been my reality for a really long time.

{Pay extra attention here . . . : ) —>} It’s been my reality for a really long time, because I’ve been surrounded by others who really do not believe deep in their heart that they are good people either.

How many of you reading this, are *hoping* that you’re a good person . . . but deep inside . . . you’re not really sure?

And maybe there is a part of you that is kind of afraid of finding out the truth?

Well . . . just in case nobody has ever told you . . .

You *are* a good person.

Eh, so you’ve made some mistakes. You’ve got some shadows wrapped around parts of you, making you believe temporarily that you’re less than perfect.

But underneath it all . . . you are a good person.

It’s never too late for a fresh start. To shake it all off and try again.

Be tender, gentle, and loving with yourself.

And allow the idea to sink into you.

Let go of your judgments, guilt, shame, hurt . . .

And even if it’s just for 30 seconds . . . pretend that it IS true.

That you *are* loved. That you *are* loving. That all has been forgiven.

That you get another chance. That you get to make new choices this time.

That nothing is set in stone. *Anything* could happen.

You don’t know from moment to moment what might change . . . and that’s kind of exciting, because it means that something awesome you’ve never thought of could come out of the blue expanding your perception and experience of life.

I mean, what if you walked around the corner and ran into your favorite actor! That would be surprising, right? And would change your outlook on life for a little bit.

If you’re looking at life as this endless routine . . . then that can be kind of depressing.

But if you look at life as a “oh! What might happen today?!” kind of way . . . then life will rise to your challenge.

It will go out of its way to find ways to surprise you and make you giggle.

Life likes to make us smile and giggle.

Life likes to play and have fun with us. And so understandably it gets depressed when we stop doing that.

We keep playing the game of “pretend I’m not something amazing and shiny”.

And I don’t want to brag, but I’m kind of tight with Life, and it wanted me to tell you that that game is soooo lame and it doesn’t want to play it anymore.

Sitting alone in The Big Park, under large towering trees . . . trying to find a four leaf clover and contemplating whether the ants I am watching . . . are aware that I’m there. And am I an ant to someone much larger than me that I can’t see . . . simply because I’m unaware of them . . . . followed by a few moments of staring up into the sky and *trying* to see if there is something I’ve missed the last hundred times I’ve stared into the sky.

And then I wanted to see leprechauns. I believed in them.

Or I had.

But something was starting to nag at me. I had started to doubt that they existed, because I never *actually* saw them. And from how the big people here explain it . . . if you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist. And that scared me.

The doubt had started to bug me so much, that it reached a boiling point that day. For the first time in my short 7 year old life, I needed proof to help me continue to believe. To keep my faith. So I started talking out loud to the leprechauns I could sense and feel nearby. I asked if they could please show themselves to me . . . that I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone of their existence . . . that they could trust me.

But they never appeared, even though I *knew* they were there. They must not trust me. I must not be a good enough person.

That was the day . . . the moment that something in me began to break, and I have never been the same since. From that day forward, I began to feel more and more lost and alone.

Why? Why is that the ONE scene from my whole.entire.life. that comes up every time I feel lost and I’m seeking answers within myself?

Because that is the day . . . I began to lose mySelf.

Doubting and losing my belief and faith in what I KNEW to be true in my heart, is when I began to become lost in this world.

That’s where it starts for us. That’s where we lose our innocence and our sense of True Self. That’s where we begin to lose our way home. That’s when we begin to believe more and more in things that are NOT TRUE for us.

We try to protect the innocence in children, by sheltering them. By trying to pretend that there are no bad monsters out there in the world. And then stupidly, shove them out into the world full of monsters when they’re an adult . . . and tell them “welcome to the real world – suck it up, bub”.

That is some fucked up shit, people.

You protect innocence with wisdom, confidence, and belief in it.

Young kids are still in touch with what they know to be true in their Heart. They have faith in the unseen. They still believe in magic and fairies and unicorns. And the world to them looks like a wonderland full of magical possibilities. They still believe in themselves.

As we grow older, we are conditioned to believe and think that *none* of that is real. None of it. And if none of that is true . . . then that means the magic part of them . . . the innocent part of them . . . isn’t real either. So . . . they lose a very important part of themselves. And then also told that there is NO mystery . . . there is NO unknown. It can all be easily explained with math and science.

: (

Sorry. That’s the “real world”. You have to come to terms with it or suffer.

Well, you know what Mr. Fictitious *They* who doesn’t really exist, but still trys to tell all of us what to think and believe?

FUCK YOU and your hornless unicorn that you rode in on.

What is WRONG with me believing, really believing in magic? Not just thinking it might be possible, but feeling again with my heart and soul all the way to my bones, in magic?

And not just magic like illusions or magic shows, No. I’m talking about grabbing ahold of Tinkerbell and shaking the shit out of that fairy and green ass MAGIC fairy dust raining down on us.

Because here’s what I KNOW to be true with all my Heart – BELIEVING in the actual existence of those things . . . is what brought me JOY in this life. It made me happy! It didn’t make me just live with my head in the clouds, it made me feel wide open happy in love. And it made me want to share it with everyone I met.

It made me – ME! Without my feeling of belief and faith in those unseen things that I feel and know are there, I lose a big part of who I am. And that PISSES ME OFF!

Because HOW can I be a happy, joyful, whole human being when I’m trouncing around the earth trying to PRETEND that those parts of me AREN’T REAL or DON’T EXIST?!?!?! How?!

I can’t.

When I lost my belief in that world of magic and “make believe”, I lost myself . . . and I lost my way back home. Back to the place that is my real home.

THIS place . . . is the place that isn’t real. This is the bullshit place. But we’ve all forgotten that it’s not furreals.

It’s been said that the devil fooled all of the world except the faithful. And who has MORE faith and is the MOST in touch with their Heart? Children. And what’s the difference between adults and children? Children still believe in our Real Home even if they can’t always see it, which is filled with warmth, love, and magic.

And do you wanna know what happens when you find your way back to that whole hearted belief in the things that you believed in when you were a kid?

The Real World . . . the Golden One . . . the one we all still miss and cry for in our sleep . . . . the one we had wrongfully stolen from us when we were younger. . . starts to reappear before our very eyes.

It’s all around you and with you no matter what you do. Whether you’re at the grocery store, the office, at home cleaning a poopy diaper . . . it can be there.

And I DON’T mean, oh in your imagination or your mind’s eye. I mean, LITERALLY.

However, you won’t have a CLUE what I’m talking about if you’re sitting there being smug or feeling like you know better than me. Don’t be a douchebag. Don’t cheat yourself or the happiness that could again be yours, because you’re too scaredypants to make a fool of yourself and even secretly inside of yourself let yourself pretend for a moment that maybe . . . . maybe there really are unicorns . . . maybe . . .

O.O

Or dragons. Omg. I just know there are dragons. They hide within the clouds and they watch over us.

Or leprechauns . . . who can’t show themselves here in the fake world posing as a real world. The closest they can come while you’re pretending to not be magical . . . is in your dreams . . . where you’re actually closer to their home.

But seriously. Both worlds are very similar in appearance, so here’s how you know which one you’re currently in:

If you feel cold, lost, alone, scared . . . and the world seems dim . . . and like someone has put a gray or steel filter over your eyes . . . you are not believing. You are bittering. That’s where old people smell comes from. The lack of belief in a world of magic and miracles . . . is what ages us and makes us bitter. It’s what makes things in our body feel painful and it’s what makes us feel old. L.i.t.e.r.a.l.l.y. It’s something that is ACTUALLY released in our bodies when we are shut down and no longer believe or have faith in our Real World (that, at risk of repeating myself, isn’t this one that we’ve been led to believe is real)

But you can instantly feel a difference and relief in yourself when you let go of thinking it’s foolishness or just for children . . . when you start to feel safer, warmer, loved/loving, compassionate, caring, stronger . . . and like someone just put a filter of gold over your eyes. Plus, you become sweeter . . . more youthful . . . more full of life and wonder. Like the bitterness, it’s actually something that gets released into your body. More joy seeps into you effortlessly. Life starts to feel good again, DESPITE the crazy ass bullshit going on around you and in the world. It’s like armor for the heart and soul.

This is something YOU have control over. You GET to feel and believe in whatever the fuck you want! You don’t have to quit being a responsible adult and taking care of your family just because you want to believe in pots of gold at the end of the rainbow. Just stop giving a fuck what other people think about what you believe, because ultimately it’s YOU that has to pay the price for what you believe or don’t. Here, I’ll start if off. (Because for the first time in my entire adult life, I have FOUND something I feel is truly, truly worth fighting for, and that’s the right to believe in Real Golden Love and Magic again.)

I am a very responsible working professional. I am also a mom to a teenage boy. Taking care of my family, home, and self are very important to me and I take it very seriously. I am 36 years old. And I still believe in Fairytales and goddamn Unicorns (Especially ones that get on video conference calls with horses at the office. It was just a coincidence that it was Halloween).

Jay sent this to me this morning, which he saw on Facebook from a beautiful mutual friend of ours, Carmen. It’s not my usual blogging style to just share a link, because I typically have plenty to say on any subject.

However, this blog post I want to share with you needs nothing further added from me, other than to say that this is a perfect, beautiful example of someone showing who they really are on the outside. It’s not very long, and it moved me to a place of tears, love, and inspiration in 2.5 seconds.

I’ll leave it at that – and you can take the few minutes you normally would have been reading my novel-length posts to read this one. You won’t regret it. : )

So thank you blog, Everyday Grace, for showing and sharing with us who you really are.

There’s a lot going on in the world at the moment. There’s a lot going on in individuals at the moment.

There’s been a sharp increase in the last few weeks of people experiencing their first anxiety attacks. During this same time period there has been a sharp increase in people having vivid/lucid dreams . . . who normally never remember their dreams at all.

Many of the dreams point towards an event that is coming.

The discussions surrounding the event are typically met with disbelief, fear, relief (bring it!), or an onslaught of bible verses.

I have had lucid dreams pointing towards this time my entire life. I have also had a lifelong issue with generalized anxiety. Maybe there’s a correlation. : )

To those who are experiencing these things for the first time, please know that you’re not alone. And please know, that it’s going to be okay.

Please know that there are many of us surrounding you in your everyday lives, who have been going through this for some time . . . and we know how to help during this difficult time.

First and foremost . . . b r e a t h e.

When you feel like things are beginning to overwhelm you . . . stop whatever you’re doing . . . close your eyes . . . let everything go . . . and slow yourself down enough to be able to take at least one full breath all of the way in as deep as you need to in order to feel like it was a deeply satisfying breath.

It may take a few times, but keep trying and slowing down your internal rhythm until you get that one breath in.

Secondly, don’t be afraid to open up to others and talk about what’s bothering you. You may be surprised to find that others are having the same concerns and fears, and feeling alone in it too. Anxiety is heightened when you feel alone in your situation.

To those who have already been dealing with these feelings for years . . . I kindly request that you start letting yourselves be known so that others know where to turn for guidance. This is the time, and this was the reason for you going through all you did ahead of time. You are greatly needed right now.

Remember how scared you were . . . confused . . . lost . . . alone. And have mercy on those starting to experience these things. Be present with them and their fear. See them. Let them know it’s okay. Hug them.

There is one thing I know and see with all of my heart. And that is, when the moment of truth comes, and we’re all faced with our physical mortality . . . is when we will all truly show ourselves and see each other for the first time. We will understand and know within our whole being at a depth previously unimagined, how much we truly love each other. How much we truly love everyone. How much everyone truly loves us.

There are large cycles. There are smaller cycles running within the larger cycles like a giant wristwatch full of gears. Things repeat. Stories people told about things that happened long ago, later become the prophecy of a future yet to come. An ebb and flow of forgetting and remembering.

The story is repeated and echoed in all things great and small, waiting patiently to be seen and discovered once again.

This has all happened before, and it will all happen again.

A fine red dust starts to enter Earth’s atmosphere, initially undetectable. Over the years, as it slowly increases, it begins to accumulate on the surface below. Nothing really noticeable. Maybe some start to notice a light pink color builds up around their faucets and where ever else water is used. The few who bother to inquire about what it is, hear that it’s some sort of bacteria, so they think nothing of it and move on.

For years, this continues.

In the meantime, technology continues to advance rapidly. Things continue to happen faster and faster at an exponential rate. What used to take decades now happens in months. What used to take months now happens in days. What used to happen in days now happens in hours. Instead of using that freed up time to do the things we love, value, and enjoy . . . we push ourselves to work harder on things we have convinced ourselves are important, in order to get more things that we think will make us happier. It never does. Instead, we just become disconnected from ourselves and each other, and we become lost.

Because we’ve become so busy in our pursuit of happiness, we’ve become less aware of ourselves and our surroundings. The more unaware we become, the less we understand . . . or even remember what used to be really important to us. Since we can’t think of what is important to us anymore, we become less motivated and inspired about life. We start looking for something of importance, but there isn’t time to dig deep, the pace is too quick . . . so we latch on to whatever *seems* to be important on the surface. Maybe based on what our employer tells us is important. Or what we hear or read from others. Who knows? Who has the time to really figure it out?

Life begins to lose meaning. It loses excitement, fun, and joy. It becomes harder and harder to relax. Things become more and more serious. Darker. We move into avoidance to try and save ourselves from this place. Alcohol, shopping, reality tv, politics, finances, war. . . anything to make this awfulness go away. We start to close off from ourselves, because the accumulation of all of the things that were truly important to us that we avoided dealing with over the years is starting to catch up with us. We don’t know where we are, or how we got there, or what to do about it. When we start to close off from ourselves, we are also closing off from others. Becoming more guarded . . . defensive.

Trust and intimacy start to break down. Isolation. We start to feel alone in our pain and misunderstood. Power struggles become more pronounced. Confusion. Survival. Which leads to control and manipulation of ourselves and others because we’re scared, lost, and no longer know what the fuck is going on.

At some point, there is an acknowledgement that something is *off* in the world. Something is going on. But because no one has been paying attention, or have been actively trying to avoid it because it’s too much to handle on top of all of the other things exploding in our individual lives . . . nobody knows what is happening. All effort goes into continuing to not face all of the things we avoided the last decades in our personal lives, as well as avoiding what is happening right outside our windows.

Meanwhile . . . this fine red dust has been gently drifting and collecting all over the globe. It’s more noticeable now for anyone paying attention. The leaves on some of the trees begin to turn a curious red shortly after they unfurl on the branches. One tree has some of the leaves turning a deep red . . . almost purple. Another tree has a light dusting of red on the surface of the leaves. A cedar tree here and there has a branch that looks rusted, as well as the pine trees. Some of the bushes have something curious happening with them too. Plants with red spots spreading across the leaves.

Year after year, this continues. The leaves begin to dry up immediately after they’ve come out in spring. Some trees never dropped their dried up leaves from the year before. Once it is noticed, it becomes hard to ignore because it’s affecting so many trees and plants.

But, who has time to worry about what is going on with the trees, when we’re not feeling well ourselves? It sometimes seems so hard to breathe. Headaches, nausea, vertigo, disorientation. Stomach cramping, weakness, fatigue. Fevers, hot flashes. Hair loss. Many who have never had a problem before, struggling with anxiety. Adrenal exhaustion. Kidney infections. Liver trouble. Heart problems. Mental & emotional problems. Depression. Suicide.

The populace seems to be struggling increasingly with anger, violence, and rage. Stress levels continue to rise, and accusations and blame start to get pointed at each other. Everything under the sun is getting blamed for why things are like they are. It’s because of you, it’s because of me, it’s because of the government, it’s because of the financial markets, it’s because of the wars, it’s because of people’s negativity, it’s because of past lives, it’s because of the sinners and it’s god’s wrath and punishment.

Or perhaps, those things are all stemming from a physiological response to something that has been silently coming into our atmosphere for many, many years? However, we’ve become so focused on immediate surface responses . . . that we think the things we are feeling and experiencing are due to what is immediately in front of us or the people around us. We don’t stop to think that maybe it’s something bigger than all of us . . . and that we’ll all be facing it together.

It affects the oxygen levels in the water. . . and related to the massive fish deaths.

Where it’s coming from, affects our electromagnetic field . . . and the bird deaths. Birds have metal material in their brains, that is affected by the electromagnetic field . . . as do mammals . . . including humans.

You can see the affects of it by scanning the headlines. Train derailments. Airplane crashes. Increased violence and senseless crimes. Fires.

And no. There’s nothing we can do to stop this thing from coming. It’s happening.

It’s a part of a larger cycle. It’s what was being talked about in all of the old myths and legends. It is remembered and then forgotten again. The stories handed down over generations by Native Americans, was one of many ways that our ancestors attempted to get the information to survive long enough to let people know . . . thousands of years down the road . . . of what would be coming.

We are not the first to go through this.

Ancient texts from around the world, talk of the deluge. They all have their different versions of why . . . but they are all speaking of the same event(s).

People, just like us . . . who are just trying to get through each day . . . and maybe find a little bit of happiness . . . went through this thousands of years ago. It wasn’t just people in robes who were less intelligent than us, it was people just like us. And they weren’t being sinful and evil in the way that they’ve been portrayed in some versions of the story . . . they were suffering from the effects of the precursor red dust that comes in long before the devastation actually happens.

Prophecies are describing what others have witnessed and survived from prior cycles. The easisest way to pass on information is through storytelling, dance, & song. For thousands of years from one incident to the next, people stop believing the stories are real because it doesn’t apply to them. We have them quarantined in our heads as stories, and so it’s hard to make the leap or connection to real live events happening around us. There are real, physical, and scientific reasons the things described in prophecy were happening. So don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

There are those who only believe in what they see in physical form. So, the signs are showing in physical form what is happening. There are those who only believe in what they get intuitively or from the spiritual side of life . . . So, they know what signs they are looking for. You can think of this as the rational/logical/scientific mind vs. the creative/spiritual/faith-etheric mind.

During this time, keeping these two parts within us separate . . . is a big mistake. It causes a human being to be “closed”.

If you are all spiritual, but refuse to acknowledge that you are in a human body . . . then you will be at the mercy of its animalistic instinctive nature during times of crises, because your body WILL pick up cues in its environment and act accordingly. This will manifest as anxiety, anti-social behavior, feeling like a victim, helpless, powerless, etc. Quit trying to escape your body, and come down to earth and come to peace with the fact that something is happening on a physical level . . . and currently you ARE in a physical body. Deal.with.it. Care, nurture, and love your body that is here and scared and NEEDS you.

If you are all physical, and refuse to acknowledge the unseen and the signs that were given in religious and spiritual texts, and believe those things to be unreal or flights of fancy . . . you will be at the mercy of the fear of the unknown. You will also respond more from an animalistic instinctive nature, rather than from conscious, clear thinking.

If you are cut off from either one, you are closed. Some of you are closed from the waist up (ones who only believe in scientific proof), and some of you are closed from the waist down (ones who are all spiritual and are trying to escape their bodies as things get worse on the planet).

Many are a mix and conflicted.

It is important to be opened all of the way through. The warnings and practices given in religion, wasn’t so much about being all holy, as it was trying to convey and communicate what you have to do in order to stay clear and conscious during these times. It’s NOT about some people being good and some people being evil . . . it is about some people being open and some people being closed.

We’ve associated evil with some made up fantasy that we couldn’t possibly be. “Oh, I don’t sacrifice babies . . . so I’m not evil.” Wrong. All “evil” is, is being closed up. Being heavy and burdened with energy. Fear, worry, resentment, etc. are heavier energies. If you won’t open up (forgive, let go, surrender) then you HOLD ON to those heavier, darker energies and are weighed down. If you are taking life super serious, and trivial things feel like a life or death situation. . . you are closed at some level, heavy, darker, and therefore . . . “evil”.

So be as self righteous as you want, it’s totally your call. But if you don’t get over yourself, start opening up, and letting go of shit that is really, really not important in the greater scheme of things . . . then you are going to *literally* be in the dark. If you can get over yourself, open up to what is actually happening . . . both in the unseen and the physical world . . . you will lighten up.

The REASON for this, is because the stuff going on with the electromagnetic field, and the red dust (iron oxide, btw . . . we’re all suffering from increasing toxicity . . . aka “ascension symptoms”) is destabilizing everything. Everything we thought was permanent or forever, is suddenly not. You know carbon dating? The thing they thought was so stable that they use its half life to determine how old things are? Yeah, guess what? It’s NOT stable at all. So anything based on it to date things, is actually unreliable. Think about how many things you believe in life that is based just on that one thing. That is, and has been happening across the scientific community for the last few years. (Scientists are baffled!)

Because everything is destabilizing, we have to find a new center. We can’t rely solely on our intellect/brain for understanding reality, because that is breaking up. However, if you solely rely on intuition, you are still blocking yourself from stability. Imagine a cylinder (at least as wide as your head) that comes in from the top of your head and goes through the whole center of your body. This is where the major chakras line up. *That* cylinder . . . needs to be fully opened and unblocked during this time, in order to find your center and be balanced. The calm within the storm.

If you are closed by being either TOO spiritual or TOO physical, a twist/knot/block happens in the center flow . . . and life.sucks.for.you. You will be at the mercy of the iron that is collecting in our bodies (especially in the brain in the amygdala which is where the rage and violence comes in and starts erupting in the populace) and subject to rage, temper tantrums, fuzzy-headedness, escapism, victimhood, helplessness, hopelessness, anxiety, fear, memory loss, etc. You’ll continue to get sicker and sicker, and think you’re getting the flu or some weird strain of illness that’s going around. You should take that more as a sign that you’re still closed down in some way and blocking the flow (which is our new grounding point between “heaven and earth”).

This isn’t the time for pride, defensiveness, ignorance, or arrogance. The things that open the blocks in that cylinder going vertically through the center of our body are things like forgiveness, humbleness, lightness, humor, letting go, surrender. But those words have been used so often that we glaze over when we hear them now, especially as things continue to escalate and get harder.

So use whatever works for YOU to become lighter and more open through your whole core. Let go of obligations, social protocols, and things that just piss you off. It doesn’t matter if it’s how you were raised, if everyone else is still doing it, or if others get on to you about it. We don’t have time to help everyone around us figure it out. Just do it, and model it, it’s the fastest way to get others to catch on.

Quit trying to save others. We’re all big girls and boys and can deal with what happens, if we’re given no other choice. Focus on getting yourself open, and then you will be anchored and know exactly what to do, when, where, and how. Don’t get lost in the semantics. “Oh, but what if it’s your sister, girlfriend, or mom . . . “

No.

Get yourself centered and balanced, and then you will understand why the semantics don’t matter. It takes discipline. It means you have to let go and stop focusing on distractions that aren’t going to matter when shit starts going down. Who gives a flying fuck about whether it’s the democrats or the republicans who are to blame for messing up the country/world. The world *itself* is destabilizing. Trying to find a person or group to blame anything on at this point is a complete.waste. of your time and energy. And it’s only serving to weigh you down with the burden of heavier energies and blocking your center. You are the one that will suffer for your refusal to let it go.

Despite what’s going on around you, every moment *can* be filled with Life. You do not have any control over what is coming, but you have complete control over how you choose to greet it.