About the Author

Tyler Collins is a thespian and performer who has worked with theatre, film, and TV across Ontario. He comes from Campbellton, NB, and has lived in North Oakville nearly 20 years. Currently, he studies Journalism at Sheridan College. Twitter: @MrTyCollins

And if you’re (somehow) a fan wondering if Transformers 5 is any different from the previous four movies in its bloated, tired franchise, it’s not. The only apparent quality is each new movie somehow finds a way to make the exact same characters, lines, and ideas more misogynistic and boring than before.

Here’s an update for anyone who’s lived under a rock since the first Transformers in 2007: The popular toys from Hasbro somehow justified a movie, filled with sentient alien robots from space that can change into various methods of transportation. There are good ones, and bad ones, and they really like fighting on Earth for some reason.

For this latest installment, a quest begins when one of these robots (back in medieval times) gave humans a magic staff that could control the Transformers. In the present day, some guy (Mark Wahlberg) is chosen as the next human warrior and must find the staff to stop bad robots from destroying the world.

The existence from Paramount Pictures is only because of the massive profit these movies make at the international box office. But creatively? The only inspiration comes from the middle-aged, rich, white men; pretending the film set is actually their private toy box to play with the Transformers “toys” like they did as preschoolers.

And the childlike connection is obvious. There’s so much reckless violence, unnecessary cussing and aversion to women beyond being a sex doll you might think young boys were the ones calling the shots. Then again, maybe they are.

Technically speaking, the only well-produced thing on screen is the dazzling array of special effects. Clearly, all the money went to the graphics department – everything else including the editing, screenplay, and even art direction are nauseatingly dull.

Photo: Paramount Pictures.

So who’s fault is it when a movie gets this tiresome and tedious to watch? The fault lies mainly with only one person. Director Michael Bay is fully responsible for the monstrous waste of film; it’s his lazy and bombastic vision that made Transformers the most degrading, violent and sexist franchise of the century.

Every actor on screen is either taking their role far too seriously or is delusional about this series’ relevance. This is a definite career low for the marvelous Anthony Hopkins, whose use of teenage slang gets more painful every time he uses it.

What’s surprisingly worse is Stanley Tucci, playing the wizard Merlin in the film’s prologue. (He previously starred in Transformers 4 back in 2014, but returns as a new character here.) Bay coaches him to play the sorcerer as Lindsay Lohan-drunk, and the embarrassing display sets the tone for the agonizing two and a half hours that follow.

The premise and action are so ridiculously stupid that any suspension of disbelief is impossible. There’s nothing relatable or emotionally true to anything happening. And frankly, buying a ticket to see the movie only promotes this crap to keep getting made. If you want a quality action movie this summer, go see Wonder Woman instead.

It’s a chore to stay awake through the thinly plotted 150 minutes. Worse still, it’s too intense for kids, and they’re only ones who might have any slight interest in watching this. Even the 3D is poor quality, despite the aggressive marketing for its special format for IMAX screens.

If you still aren’t convinced, there’s nothing more detracting I could say. Though curious moviegoers beware – I wouldn’t wish a forced watching of Transformers 5 on my worst enemy.