Last week, when I wrote about longing for Spring, a friend wondered if my longing for Spring might be a metaphor for a deeper longing. The seed took root. For the last few days, I found myself thinking, “In what ways does my life feel like winter?” and “What am I longing for in my life? ”

Winter is the season of death and destruction; a time of hibernation and migration; a time of long nights and colourless days; a time of loss and contraction. I have been going through a long winter for several years now. My parents are slipping away; my dad’s life has become limited by pain and arthritis, while my mother’s mind is now wandering in the chaos that is dementia. My children are leaving home; creating their own lives; separating from their Dad and I. Three years ago, I lost a job where I managed a small team of people; we collaborated, supported each other, celebrated each other’s victories. Four years ago, my husband began travelling for weeks at a time for his new job. He is now away more than he is home, and when he is home, he is pre-occupied and distracted. My life, which used to be so full of activities, and people, and emotions, has become quiet and very small; flat and grey. The last few years have been years of loss and loneliness; years without colour or sound; winter years.

And so I am longing. Longing for the light to return to my life. Longing for new adventures, new relationships, new dreams to be born. I am longing for a woman friend with whom I can share the secrets of my soul. I am longing to be part of a team once more; to feel the sense of comraderie that comes from working collaboratively towards a common goal. I am longing for my husband to return to my life; to be present in my life when he is present in my home. I am longing for more beauty in my life; more pleasure; less work. I am longing for the colour to return to my life; to smell and taste the sweetness in life again. I am longing for spring!

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About kp

I am a woman and a mother, a sister and a wife. I have called myself a socialist and a feminist, an environmentalist and an activist, a pagan and an atheist. But, at this stage in my life, none of these labels feel right. I am searching; trying to find an inner calm; trying to make peace with life's disappointments; trying to answer the big questions in my own small life.

Hi Kp, I really enjoyed this article, very nice. You and I have a lot in common. Thank you for sharing my blog entry “Our Soul’s Journey.” I feel we were meant to meet, so I hope we can keep in touch. Keep up the great writing and perhaps we can help each other. Peace & joy~ Fran-Mysti~ http://Mystickblue.com

Winter can also be a time for dreaming- particularly in that time just before the fullness of spring (now!) Just as we often dream in the morning, right before we wake, perhaps you are beginning to dream of what is next in your life, just before the ice melts and that which has been dormant begins to stir and send out fresh green shoots. :-)

Well Oriah, that is a very encouraging thought….and does feel right. I feel like much of the grieving is behind me; that I am beginning to think about what could be. Although I admit that that still feels very scarey. Kim

So, poetic, Kim. Both pieces–the longing for Spring and the longing for your ‘inner’ Spring. I feel like we’re at a similar stage of strangeness, like when I was weeks from delivering my first son and I was struck with fear: “How will he come out? It’s not possible!” For moms, it’s hard when our children leave, but to feel space between your husband and you, too, makes the diving deeper. You will dive and find the pearls–I know it.
And can women friends share their souls via email? :)

LOL,,,If experience over the last years has taught me anything, it is that we can indeed share the secrets of our souls by e-mail and blogs. We are at a very similar stage in our lives, and I think you are right, that there is light not too far down the birthing canal for both of us. I can feel a shift within myself. With love…Kim

Sometimes Kim, I think we get to a stage whereby we take each other for granted so often… When the children leave home, those first years are hard.. and in a way you feel almost as if you are not needed anymore… I think thats why many couples can in their mid-life ‘Crisis’ zones have a Crisis!..
Finding something both can be interested in works for us… We enjoy our garden growing food and walking.. .. Sometimes we have to paint the colours in…. I have just joined an Zumba exercise class with a friend, Im hopeless but we have a laugh.. I am sure once the cold of the winter’s grip has let go, and the Sun rays fall upon your skin, you will feel bright Kim… I hope so…
Here’s to Dreams.. We should all have them and always keep Dreaming..
~Sue