Monday, April 11, 2011

my first panic attack

Ok...so life has pretty much sucked for me alot lately.Those that follow my blog know that we came out of a very stressful situation in Colorado...stressful, judgmental and downright nasty. We packed up our lives, our hurts, our memories and ran....picked a state, a city and an area we know no one,, but we liked, and moved. The move has been good for us in some ways...but on a personal level for me it's been hard too.Good for us in that we have time together, we are not watched, we are not being judged, my girls can relax and be themselves. We can start over and be who we want to be.Bad in that its a huge cut in pay for my husband. Bad cuz I am still stuck at home with no contact with anyone. At least in colorado I got out and about because of the church and met people that way...So anyway...I had this assessment test Friday for the dream job..the one I shouldnt even really have a shot at..the one I can't believe I have made it this far in the process for...but after Friday's test...I am 99.9% believing I failed. It was by far the hardest test I have ever taken. It took me over an hour. and I probably cried 2 times taking it. I had told myself over and over for for a couple of weeks not to get my hopes up about the job, not to get excited....but I guess my heart didn't listen to my head because I walked out of the casino bawling my head off...filled with disappointment and negative talk. I somehow made the drive home and sat down to start work and could not stop thinking "you are stupid"..."you are a failure" "This was your shot to make decent $ to get financially stable for your family and you blew it". After about 15 min of beating myself up my heart started racing, blood was rushing to my head, I got super dizzy, I felt like I couldn't breathe...and it wouldn't stop, I thought I was having a heart attack, that I was going to die...and the more scared I got, the worse it got. I signed off from work, crawled to a couch and just layed there and forced myself to breath deep and after about 2 min all the symptoms stopped. I have researched it and talked to a few people and they said it was a panic attack. It was sooo scary....I am trying to not worry about it, out of fear I will have another one of those attacks. It was the most scared I have ever been in my life. I really thought I was going to die. I am supposed to hear back about my test results early this week...but I know I failed the test. So I am back to square one...stuck at job at home that I hate...

About Me

I am outgoing, love to laugh and want to feel like myself again. The image I have of me in my mind, does not match the image staring out at me in a mirror. I had lapband surgery in the middle of October...and this is my journey.