Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Yo Mamma Jokes

Yo mamma's so fat, when she went to the beach, the whales sang "We are family!"

So a camera man, sound tech guy and a producer find a dusty lamp........ They dust it off and what do u know, out pops a genie... genie is sooo relieved to be out of the lamp that he grants them all one wish. The camera man goes first. He wishes to be on a desserted island with 10 virgins, endless case of beer and 10 million dollars.... *PFFFFT* The Camera man disappears.... The sound techy says to the genie.... know what .... ill have what he is having..... *PFFFFT* Off goes the Techy....... Genie turns to the producer, and asks what he would like.... Producer says... well what i'd like is for the camera guy and the techy back... so we can finish fiming....

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Queensland state of origin team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends and my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls you have leaving me a ****ing yoyo, a lame whistle and a pair of ugly socks. What the **** were you thinking, you fat prick, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole ****ing year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't ****ed me enough, you gave that little quiff across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimny next year. I'll **** you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the ****ing North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that ****ing bike. **** YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT COCKSUCKER.

Sincerely,

Little Johnny

-------------------

What's black and crispy and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking in a housefire.

-------------------

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. One night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a vibrator!!

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids.

The priest thought long and hard, then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass, then drink it."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe the smile off your face."

----------

an old lady answers a knock on the door to be confronted by a man carrying a vacum cleaner,he said can i have a minute of you time? f*ck off she said.next thing the man empties a bucket of horseshit on the carpet and says if this cleaner does'nt remove all traces of the horseshit,madam i'll eat the remainder.well she says i hope you have a good f*cking appetite,because the electric was cut off this morning.

neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man,

"How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.

Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient,"

said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."

___________________

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

“And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.

But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one

time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah."

"Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the

whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

dude gets on an airplane for a short trip and is stoked to find he's sitting next to a gorgeous woman, very sexy.. halfway through the trip they get chatting and he asks her what she does.. she replies she's a sex researcher (of course she is) so he asks her what exactly she's studying. She tells him that shes debunking some of the myths about sex, like that negroes have the biggest penis's.. dude is intrigued so he asks who does have the biggest penis size.. she replies "well, might be surprised to find out that it's the American Indians who have the longest penis's","and you might be more surprised to learn that length is only half the issue when satisfying a women, really it's width and the scottish have the widest penis's".. after a minute she turns to the guy and asks him what his name is.. after a few seconds, he turns to her with a smile and says "Hi! Tonto McTavish...."

yeah, alright.. i can hear the groans from here

what do you call an african-american who flies a plane? a PILOT YOU F*****G RASCIST

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning, the husband returns after several hours of fishing, and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, thinking, isn't that obvious?

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"You do that and I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, Ma'am," he said and left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.