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Why Writing A Novel Is Like Making A Cup of Tea (a very English Extended Metaphor)

There's one phrase every aspiring author will come across time and time again: writers write. If you're anything like me, you'll misconstrue that seemingly simple statement and turn it into "writers write novels". Which, if you're still being like me, quickly leads to anguish and self berating; "I didn't write a single word of my novel this weekend! How dare I call myself a writer? I don't deserve to even let the word pass my lips!" But what people really mean when they say "writers write" is "writers practise writing". And, as any one who plays an instrument knows, there is a massive difference between practisingand composing. My first stab at a novel was the equivalent of me mastering the scale of C, declaring my attempt to compose a symphony, and ending up with Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. But wait. What's this got to do with tea? We're getting there. First, a basic explanation of how to make tea, since everyone's very particular about the process (and I've been told that in America it requires lemon slices and a fridge?) Here's how it's done: cup, tea bag, boiling water, some degree of squeezing / stirring / leaving to diffuse on own accord, milk. Sweeten with sugar and dunk chocolate HobNobs if so desired.My beautifully constructed metaphor will focus on the whole squeezing / stirring /leaving to stand situation. No it doesn't matter which method is superior, its function is the same; the diffusion (if you want to get scientific) of the flavour molecules into the water particles (see - scientific). For clarities sake, this will be referred to from now on as "brewing". Brewing (planning, researching, world-building, character profiling) is what the tea (novel) needs to do before you add the milk (words), or sweeten with sugar (metaphors and similes and all that) and dunk in chocolate HobNobs (?) Now how I ended up with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star instead of a symphony was because I really wanted to write a novel and I knew that "writers write" and when I put two and two together I concluded that a novel could be written by writing (you can see how I got my wires crossed).Wrong, wrong, wrong. What hampered my early writing attempts was that I just didn't do enough brewing.And then when my tea tasted weak, I tried to fix it by pouring in more and more milk and then dumping in table-spoons of sugar. And when it still didn'ttaste right I dunked in a whole packet's worth of HobNobs and wondered why there was a pile of biscuit slush at the bottom of my tepid, white liquid. Really, that first cup of tea only resembled a cup of tea for the fact that it was in a mug (read: Word document... see, I've really thought about this).Because the thing about writers is they write sometimes. The rest of the time they brew. Research. Develop characters. Build intricate worlds. Draw sketches of cyborgs. Found new religions. Persecute their follows. Cut-out pictures from magazines and assemble Frankenstein-style pop groups. Write their next hit single. Create! Explore! Get excited! BREW!But wait, the metaphor doesn't end there (I told you it was extended)! It's all well and good brewing your tea but if you're using Tesco value bags (that taste like wood) then your novel will taste bad no matter how expertly you've brewed it.Your novel deserves the best ingredients: hand pick tea leaves (read: quality scenes), fresh, organic Jersey milk and blackstrap molasses! And if you don't experiment with different tea bags, you'll never know whether you're a Clipper fan or a PG Tips pyramid bag fan or even a Peppermint, Earl Grey, Camomile or Vanilla Rooibos fan. Loose leaf! De-caff! The list is literally endless. Experiment with tea bags before you settle on any one type. (If the analogy is lost on you at this point, the different flavoured tea represent other people's novels and the drinking of them represents, you know, reading). Some authors use the most flavoursome tea bags and brew them so expertly that they can add Sainsbury's Basic UHT milk and still get the perfect cup. I call this JK Rowling Breakfast Tea.

And if you can bare it for a little longer, we've reached the last part of the analogy. Which I'll kick off with an anecdote (lucky you). I made my first cup of tea when I was about seven. It was for my mum. I followed all the steps that I'd observed and proudly delivered it to her in bed. Whereby she took a sip and grimaced and said "did you remember to boil the kettle?" It clearly hadn't occurred to my seven-year-old self that there was a reason why the water came from the kettle rather than the kitchen tap (namely the making it hot part) so I'd only memorised the act of pouring the water from it. How does this relate to writing? Well having good intentions and being enthusiastic (and observing how other people do it) doesn't mean you yourself will be able to reproduce the same effect. You're always going to have to learn the basics. And you're also going to have to accept that it takes time to get to grips with them (when I visited my nine-year-old sister last week she proudly informed me she'd learned how to make tea, but included an adorable step whereby she decanted the milk into a measuring jug with a spout before re-pouring it into the tea because otherwise she'd spill it). Once you've got the basics you need to practise using them and refining them (in order to miss out the unnecessary measuring jug step).

This is where the "writers write" thing comes into it. But what should you be practising whilst your novel brews?

1. Short stories - Now I'm not personally a fan of short stories. I don't read them and therefore don't have much desire to write them. But they're great ways to practice constructing gripping beginnings, meaningful middles and satisfying endings. Writers can also more quickly get feedback on a short story, and there's always the chance to get them published in magazines which will add to your credentials when you're querying agents.2. Flash fiction - Like the short story but on a tiny scale. Flash fiction is anywhere from about 250 words to a couple of thousand; a very manageable goal for most schedules.Flash fiction is an excellent way to generate ideas and teach you how to choose the minimum words for the maximum effect. It's also a great opportunity to try out different styles and voices, which you only need to maintain across a small section.3. Opening chapters - This is my favourite thing to do, personally. I have tonnes of first chapters lying around. It's also a nice way to tell if a particular story grabs you, or whether you've brewed it long enough. The point where I loose interest tends to correlate with a non-existent plot outline.4. Re-writes books - This is something I also love to do; taking a book that already exists and adopting the author's style to a different scenario, or using the author's scenario but writing it in a different style. I like to use varied source material for this. In the past I've used the charming voice of Ugwu in Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's Half of a Yellow Sun to write the opening of a historical magical realism young adult, and have used the plot of Anne McCafferey's Chronicles of Pern, replacing the purple prose with short, sharp sentences. This is a great way of teaching yourself to pay attention to sentence and word choice.5. Fan fiction - OK, cheesy, I know. But no one is going to force you to put it on the internet or self-publish it and it definitely doesn't have to be erotic. The fun with fan fiction is that the characters and world are already fully formed. Your task is to develop plausible plots and make sure the scene (and sentences and words within them) build on the characters and setting to make them recognisable (and consistent). It's great practise for character development as well. I recommend taking a character you'd associate with one setting / role (e.g. Dana Scully) and plopping them somewhere completely different (e.g. Sunnydale High), whilst keeping the setting and premise recognisable and having the character behave believably. Can you imagine how Scully would attempt to explain away all the bizarre happenings on the Hell Mouth whilst performing an autopsy on a vampire and declaring "I'm a Medical Doctor!"6. Blog - It doesn't have to be fiction, you can practise your unique writer voice via non-fiction routes as well. I would throughouly reccomend reading Chuck Wendig's blog for an example of an author practising their voice through non-fiction. His blog posts are always hilarious and engaging, even when he's just writing recipes or talking about his dog.7.Tweet - Twitter is all about getting the message out as effectively as you can and as a result, tweeting is great way of learning how to write effective dialogue. Again, the limited space you have forces you to select the best words. It's a great habit to get into because no one wants to read long rambling dialogue (unless it adds to characterisation).That's a lot to take in, but the message I'm trying to convey is not to turn off your imagination in favour of writing writing writing.Enjoy creating.Practise your craft.But have fun at the same time.A word of warning. There is such a thing as over-brewing... you know, when you get liver spots on the top of the water. I could go into how liver spots represent the writers psychological well-being but I think you'd agree that my extended metaphor's run out of steam (he he he)...Until next time.