Viagra City, NY - (May 1) - Pharmaceutical
manufacturer, Pfizer Inc., of Modesto, California or
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, or Carson City, Nevada, or
wherever, admitted, today, that its US$10.00 a pill,
mega-platinum, Number-One-with-a-bullet, bestselling
drug of all time, Viagra (named after the fortuitous
digital convergence of a waterfall and a bag of lawn
fertilizer), was really just "a little, you know,
sugar mixed with, like, some cornstarch,
or something."

"Ha, ha, ha," said Joe Pfizer, president of Pfizer Inc.,
inventors of the Number-One-with-a-bullet bestselling
dick drug of all time, Viagra, named after the
elementary particle of life which operates, of course,
utterly contrary to the elementary particle of gravity.
"Joke's on you, yah buncha impotent dickheads."

Pfizer went on to explain how the whole Viagra hoax
wasn't really a hoax at all. "No. It was really," said
Pfizer, "just a way to get all these impotent losers out
of the closet so we could find out who they were and
blackmail their impotent asses off. Unfortunately there
was a major placebo effect goin' on here, and so many
people convinced themselves that it worked, that, like
Tinkerbell, or whoever, it actually, you know,
did work!"

According to Pfizer's accounting department, however,
"If the drug shows a 50% placebo effect, that means 50%
of the people who use it, suddenly stop being impotent
losers, which means we lose all that revenue stream
cause we can't blackmail them anymore. However, if we
simply replace that lost revenue stream with the revenue
stream from actual sales of the drug, and adjust the
price per pill so the second stream is equal to what the
first would have been, then the drug itself becomes the
blackmail, and we actually come out ahead -- because,
now, there's 50% fewer blackmail letters to send out,
times 32 cents per letter for postage, plus envelope,
stationery, and the cost of licking everything."

According to Monica (speaking of the cost of
licking everything) Lewinsky, "Viagra means that
impotent people will now have a chance to reproduce and
create more impotent offspring who will just take more
and more Viagra and produce more and more impotent
offspring until, soon, EVERYONE will be impotent.

Then it'll just be a simple matter to wipe out the
entire human race by saying, "Hey, ya buncha
self-deluded impotent losers -- it's just a fucking
PLACEBO!"