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Monday, April 20, 2009

Today, I'm owning my femme-ness.

Today I bought clothes in the women's section again. I think after being featured in Queer Eye Candy as a femme, and reading all the comments, it made me feel like it was OK to be feminine again.

Here's a clip from my other blog: "I'm reclaiming my femininity. I may not look it, but FG said it the best in an email to me in response to a blog post on my other blog: "who likes to have doors opened for her and drinks poured for her and her cigarettes lit for her." My femininity is on the inside. I don't even LIKE making a lot of the decisions. It's just polite to offer me a part in making it. I guarantee I'll turn the decision over to you a lot of the time. Don't assume that I will cook ot stay home with the kids or do whatever. I might, but don't assume anything. I suppose I just don't like someone expecting me to do one thing or another. All you can expect is that I will be myself. But I want you to see me as a woman. Maybe as a tomboy femme, because in addition to being female, streaks of edgy masculinity shine through, often in my appearance. But I'm reclaiming my identity. I don't fit into any boxes, and that's OK. I may mix and match my gender representations but I'm me, I wear camo pants, wifebeaters, and have super short hair, but I am flattered and wooed beyond belief when someone opens doors for me, pours my drinks, and puts their hand on my back when we go somewhere. I'm just....me."

It didn't really click until maybe this past week that I was OK being myself. And part of that was realizing that I am not comfortable wearing dressy men's clothes. I might for drag, but not for an everyday thing. Many things are a part in my clothing decisions. A big one is simply the fabric, because I am so very sensitive. I'll never give up wearing undershirts except maybe in the summer when it's hot and one layer is enough. Another part of it is that I'm not comfortable with my body. I wish I was thinner. And then there's the whole gender thing. I'm trying to figure out how I want to appear. Well, I like looking feminine...just an edgy kind. No ruffles or anything.

So I bought 2 men's plain colored T-shirts (they were bright colored and super soft and I always need these), and drawstring jeans that fit PERFECTLY, and a teal scoop-neck top that's not made of the really cheap thin cotton, but the durable kind. And a spaghetti strap bright green tank that will show off my tattoo when I get it (I'm getting a large-ish fancy cross on my back).

I DO like being a femme. It doesn't stress me out like when people look to me to be dominant and masculine. It's comfortable because it's me. And I like me, now.