Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

CAN SOMEONE JUST TAKE A RUSTY FORK AND STICK IT IN MY EYE FOR ME PLEASE? AKA I GUESS IT TAKES WAN TO KNOW WAN

It is pitiful beyond belief that I started this review on the 6th of March and am only working on it now because I went to the doctor's office and whoopee! I get to live!And then goddammit the freaking clerk, nose running faster than Carmelita Jeter, coughing harder than a 20-year veteran of a coal mine, and handing me gross items right and left (and there was hand sanitizer there that I was using plenty of, believe you me) that I gingerly had to stuff into my purse.So in other words, now I'm going to live, but I'm going to suffer every moment of it. WHY do people insist on going to work sick? Yes, yes, I know - bills have to be paid, children fed but geez, shouldn't they at least be required to wear face masks instead of shooting their nose candy across the counter at you while you're dodging the best you can but knowing how fast and how far that stuff travels... and I'm still sick.Hmm? Oh yeah, movie. Oh bewan my children (yes you read that right and it's my hubby's pun so read on), I mean beware on whom you put your faith when selecting what you hope will be a good movie. I WAS going to review this movie (which wasn't perfect, but pretty creepy) and pit it against the current horrorible (yeah I know, if they can make up words like 'demonologist' I can make up words too) movie Annabelle - comparing the two and showing why Dead Silence was so good and Annabelle so freaking awful.

Sorry about the quality - just to 'see' the doll I had to screw with the picture some...

But a small voice said, "Miss Murder... you suuuuuuck... but you also need to check your facts before you review a movie." That's when I found out that both this movie AND Annabelle were directed by the same guy - James Wan. Now I don't want to spread nasty rumors, but this guy seems to have a thing for dolls.Now for those that don't know, there is a very tense scene where all the dolls from this movie are shown. If you've got sharp eyes (and just in case you don't, here's a pic of it for you), you'll notice that on the floor in the front is the Jigsaw doll from Saw, another of Wan's creations. So he gets this:

HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! Don't ever do another doll movie, 'kay?But this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.Jamie Ashen and his wife Lisa receive a mysterious ventriloquist doll, "Billy", in an unmarked package. Now the particularly retarded part of this movie is that BOTH of these people were raised in a town called Raven's Fair and knew of the legend of Mary Shaw and her dolls OF DEATH!!!Nah, they just knew that her children were her dolls and if you see her and scream, you lose your tongue. How quaint. BUT THEY BOTH KNEW THAT and yet getting a doll was blase' to them. Jeez. So the chick goes first, we figured that since the plot is that Jamie has to go to his home town to bury her. Sigh. Apparently Jamie is rich - or at least his father is - so he goes to see him first.But this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.It doesn't take any kind of expert to see that the dad's obviously dead. They couldn't use makeup? They do on cadavers, why did they have to leave his father looking like he should have been underground weeks ago? So we... get nauseous looking at him?Following Jamie on his doomed trip is a detective who thinks Jamie killed his wife but needs proof so... why do I bother? The detective is played by Donnie Wahlberg. Do you know what Donnie's gonna be doing this summer (2015)?

But this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.Even with the retarded poem they repeat every ten minutes or so: "Beware the stare of Mary Shaw. She had no children, only dolls. If you see her in your dreams, make sure you never ever scream, or she'll cut your tongue out at the seam."Oh I'm sorry, that's the poem they quote for the POSTER and the movie. The movie actually keeps repeating: "Beware the stare of Mary Shaw. She had no children, only dolls. And if you see her in your dreams, be sure you never, ever scream (For some reason, she rips out tongues. Lovely.)So. You get an elaborate history of this crazy woman that you didn't ask for about the puppets you don't care about and why the townspeople got together and murdered her, which you didn't ask.But this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.Her final wish was to be made into a puppet before she was buried. Ohhhh, I see, there were TWO brilliant puppet makers living in this tiny town? Really? Truly?But this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.The mortician, when he was a boy, accidentally knocked the coffin over. Shaw's body briefly came to life and approached Henry, but he survived by covering his mouth to keep from screaming; Shaw can only kill her victims when they scream. Why? Uhhhhh.....But this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.Oh yeah I know why, 'cause before they killed the witch and she magically became a doll herself, they ripped out her tongue. See? Simple. HEY YOU WAKE UP!!!!!

Meh.

But this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.

It has two different endings, neither one of them good but, and say it with me people, this is STILL a better doll movie than Annabelle.Oh, and on your next doctor visit, leave a big, soggy, snot filled rag on the counter next to the receptionist. And sneeze... a LOT. Thank you.

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About Miss Murder

Thanks to good ole' Google whining about some missing ad revenue, we are being squeezed out (even the tiny ones like me) by the increasingly stupid and invasive standards of practice they keep adopting while trying to tell us it was that way all along. Meanwhile they rub their hands together thinking about all that Red Tube and YouTube TV money coming in - content creators be damned.