SERGEANT PEPPER KILLED BY SNIPER IN FALLUJAH; BELOVED PLATOON LEADER GOT BY, TRIED, DIED WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM HIS FRIENDS

FALLUJAH - Sergeant Pepper, the erstwhile leader of a lonely hearts club band who joined the army to combat militant Islam with the power of love, died by a snipers’ bullet in Fallujah yesterday while leading his men on patrol.

Private Joe Dunn, one of the men under Sergeant Pepper’s command, was crestfallen. “Sarge used to tell us that all you need is love,” said Dunn. “In hindsight, I guess you need a helmet and a Kevlar vest, too.”

In a tragic irony, Pepper was killed on the anniversary of his induction into the military after two decades of service. “It was twenty years ago today,” sobbed one unidentified soldier, who helped lift Pepper’s body on to a stretcher for transport to a field morgue. The soldier paused to reflect on the life of his fallen leader. “He was always teasing us, asking us if we were still going to need him, if we were still going to feed him, when he turned sixty-four. I guess we’ll never know,” he said, before breaking down in tears.

Critics have long debated the importance of Sergeant Pepper. Some called him pretentious, and overwrought, while still others found him irrepressibly charming. “I never got tired of listening to Sergeant Pepper,” said Private Dunn. “Except when he started with that Indian stuff.”