Step 3: Invite yourself to their house for dinner as payment of thanks for their range/decor/hair

Dish of the Day (BBC1, Friday, 7.30) is part of the ‘on a budget’ platter that dominates cooking TV. In fact I’m surprised it hasn’t been done before. Money tight? Go to someone else’s house and unleash the buckle of your fiscal belt.

‘How good of you’ he told his local greengrocer, for giving shoppers veg recipes, before going round her house and rooting through her fridge. It was an awkward moment at the end of an awkward programme in which the cooking was contrived, and in someone else’s kitchen.

It is as bad and as fantastic as ever.

Set to a simpering simmer Nigel knowingly shows us the way round some ‘basic’ ingredients I haven’t seen in Lidl. To ‘use up’ a bit of cheese translated as slicing up a log of goats cheese. Even his figs, which to his faux anguish haven’t grown properly this year, work to his advantage – providing the perfect topping to some flapjack. Well of course they would, this is a cooking programme.

I can forgive Nigella-like self-indulgence with an ‘aren’t I naughty’ eye to camera but Nigel’s lacking that all important, warm ‘ah’ – spoon licking, fairy lights, friends – instead radiating superiority. Tonight he promises to enlighten us on ‘un-sung heroes’ how good of him. You might find yourself in front of Nigel on a Friday, just hope you don’t find him in front of you with that hungry look in his eyes.

Made in Chelsea is back. Back on E4, back in the papers, back in our hearts. For ‘Matthews, Spencer Matthews’ and co. it’s been a long summer so by way of a quick catch up: The gang are in St Tropez. They LOVE St Tropez. Ollie is straight again and short haired. Kimberley? Kimberley who? Louise and Spencer are totes in love 4evs this week. Jamie Laing is still single and ready to mingle with his immediate circle. The gaps are filled in with self-conscious looks to camera and poorly disguised sniggering by the newly assembled extras. It is as bad and as fantastic as ever.

For those of you who like a bit more realism Wonderland: Walking with Dogs is on iPlayer. Following and interviewing some of the dog walkers of Hampstead Heath.

I watched it by accident and it was amazing. From dead-body Bingo to the seriously ill, ASBOs and alcoholics, the hour long documentary proved you never do know what goes on behind closed doors or indeed at the end of a lead.

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