Spoof news stories from Friday 2 March 2012

DALLAS - Well if Dallas Mavericks player Lamar Odom's basketball play gets any lower he may run into some West Virginia coal miners picking away at Mother Earth.
The NBA forward who last year received the coveted Sixth Man of The Year Award has be...

1999:
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
The best - Ole Gunnar Solksjaer sticking a leg out at the Nou Camp in Barcelona in the dying seconds. Manchester United winning the European Cup for the first time since 1968. The memories, the passion, the love for this local institution which became an international behemoth...
The sorrow - that Sir Matt and the lads of 58 - the...

Ex-Smith and pretty awful singer Morrissey has jumped on the band-wagon (he could do with one) by declaring that the Falklands are not British, they belong to Argentina and should be given back to them. He just happened to be touring their country at...

Under pressure British Prime Minister David Cameron held a press conference today to deny having sex with a horse lent to Rupert Murdoch lacky Rebecca Crooks by the Metropolitan Police.
Mr Cameron was in Brussels for yet another EU summit, but the...

With corporate quarterly earnings significantly down for multiple manufacturers of canned meat products, some women's groups are declaring a victory after a year of boycott effort.
Targeting some traditional men's favorites like sardines, corned b...

Manchester United insiders today confirmed that United would not be running riot at Tottenham on Sunday afternoon, as the club is acutely aware of its responsibilities in respect of its own supporters, the supporters of Tottenham Hotspur, and the peo...

Rush Limbaugh was trying to find a hole in the ground when he accidentally stuck his head up his ass. He was rushed to Good Samaritan Medical Center in West Palm Beach where doctors were working to dislodge said head from said ass.
At last report,...

The inaugural 'Titter Ye Not Prize' was awarded this lunchtime in a Central London hotel banqueting suite. The prize, thought to be the brainchild of controversial historian, David Starkey, is to be awarded on a totally haphazard basis to whoever hap...

Famous for setting odds on anything from the number of fights in a hockey game to whether or not Janet Jackson might bear a breast on national television, Las Vegas statisticians and odds makers are refusing to set lines on Justin Bieber, J-Lo and Vl...

London - Their £95 million acquisition of 'Princess Diana In Acton' and a companion picture 'Princess Di And Callista Gingrich' has wowed the art world.
Curatorial sources at the Gallery said today it's saved the masterpieces from spoofing 'some d...

Scotland's bid for independence from the UK was claimed to be a 'scam' last night by a music business insider.
The insider who refused to be named said that the plan is for Scotland to get independence, eventually followed by Wales and Northern Ir...

Out of town reporters are scooping the Boston press yet again.
Locals have been checking Craig's List for the best bargain, but the Celtics are moving product over at e-Bay.
Danny Ainge insists that he has made "zero" calls to anyone in an att...

1)
Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?
A: I look in the library under Romantic Fiction.
2)
Q: How can a man cope during his wife's menopause?
A: Blowed if I can remember!
3)
Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?
A: She should tell him she's with child.
4)
Q: What can an older woman do for the w...

HOLLYWOOD - It was an American Idol night filled with tears, tears, and more tears. And a lot of them came from the beautiful brown eyes of Jennifer Lopez.
It is no secret that J.Lo really takes the eliminating of any young singers hard, but on th...

PHILADELPHIA - Taylor Swift was standing on stage at The Cracked Liberty Bell Arena after having conducted a pre-concert sound check.
She met with several reporters who all wanted to know about the latest gossip regarding her and Tim Tebow, quarte...

KIMJONG, IL (CWTSN) -- Butch Falfalan, a BS Marine Exploration freshman student of Conglom-o College allegedly walked out from his English class because he had enough of his teacher's "anti-soldier" examples on the lessons.
In a lesson about an ar...

Washington DC: The Democratic National Committee (DNC) has investigated the events leading up to President Obama's victory in the 2008 US presidential election. The DNC is interested in how to repeat this victory in the 2012 US presidential election.

Sports Minister, George Sad, unveiled Britain's bid to host the 2020 Tiddlywinks World Cup in his monthly press conference yesterday.
Early estimates suggested that hosting the popular event will cost around £300 million.
Mr Sad dismissed that...

We're not talking human snakes. There are sure to be some of them in the parade too, but we're talking about snakes of the reptile variety. And they will not only be in the parade, but they'll be honored guests.
You may think this is a wee bit strange. It was, after all, St. Patrick who threw the snakes out of Ireland. But hey, times change. Think of it as a sort of reparation for the...

Former Manchester United and Northern Ireland star, George Worst, stunned the football world yesterday after announcing he plans to come back from the dead and return to professional football.
Mr Worst, dead, from the Heaven area, spoke to us from...