I’m tired, pissed off, Usher’s on the radio and the only film I haven’t seen in my house is ‘Anger Management’. Yes, an Adam Sandler movie where he plays…ADAM SANDLER. Oh yeah, and my planned SCOOP didn’t work out as I had planned. Expect this report to be a little more cynical than usual. Since you weirdos like that, then I guess it’s a good thing.

Oh yeah, slightly altered style to the report that should make it easier to read, report and, uh, ‘rite. Basically, the news is split into one main story and all other stories that tweak my interest covered in brief before the usual Smacked Out, Charles Corner and non-wrestling sections. Enjoy.

BLOWING THE BUZZ

Known worldwide as ‘America’s Favourite Beer Drinker’ and ‘The Toughest SOB on the planet’, Stone Cold Steve Austin this week decided to mix these two admirable attributes with an evermore-glowing ego and possibly destroy his career in WWE.

As if it was June 2002 in fast forward, the week began for Steve just after I posted last week’s report with the announcement that now ex-squeeze Tess Broussard had filed charges against her loving partner of a year. Need I say why? If you don’t know already, you can probably guess. Well, the most entertaining part of all of these scandals would be the report filed, so here" TARGET="_blank">http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0329041austin1.html">here ya go. Bloody sadists.

Should we forgive Steve again? Should we pardon him this one little mishap? Sorry, but this was the straw that broke the camels back for me. Sure Steve entertains me onscreen. I listen to R Kelly’s music but it doesn’t discount the fact that he’s a sex-starved pursuer of those whose ages fall a TEENSY bit underneath that of the legal age. And a potential rapist to boot. As much as I hate to say it, for fear of being unoriginal as much as actual regret, Steve is a despicable excuse for a human and really, does the WWE need him?

Oh that’s right, Austin also could’ve pissed away his career. Notice he was missing on RAW this past week? Hear the ‘We Want Austin’ chants during the Kane/Rhyno match (which could’ve been saved for a real money feud if WWE are serious about turning Rhyno face by the by)? Austin has apparently dug his heels about as far into the ground as Eric Bischoff dug his career in 1992. Austin is apparently up in arms over the fact that Vince won’t sell him the rights to his ‘Stone Cold’ alias, ala The Rock.

Thing is Steve, that whole game will never work. You are a pro-wrestler and will always be seen as such. Oh just because you were a regular on ‘Celebrity Deathmatch’ and ‘JAG’ a few years ago means you can offer Vince the return Rock can on his movies? HA! That’d be like 411 trying to bank all their reputation on Scott Keith doing news reports. It wouldn’t work. Besides Austin isn’t even as sought over in Hollywood as Triple H, much less the apparent heir to Arnahld’s throne, Rocky.

Austin will be back. It’s a hard pill to swallow when you can’t match drawing power in either of your fields of interest with your rivals of years gone by, but that’s the situation Steve is facing and like the bald, petulant, woman beater he is, Steve isn’t going down without a fight. At least until he hears the people calling his names in wrestling arenas. Until he sees the ‘We Forgive You Steve’ columns offering him one more chance because, lord knows, RAW isn’t RAW without a buggy running on a lawnmower engine.

Funnily enough, I didn’t even notice that our resident sheriff was MIA until said chants during the Kane/Rhyno match. RAW was by no means excellent, but it was a competent show, and I can’t see how a forced appearance by Steve Austin could enhance it. If he comes back, which is inevitable, fine. I’ll continue to allow myself to be entertained by his character. Why should such despicable actions rob me of enjoying his talents.

In fact, I’ll get some sort of perverse satisfaction of knowing that this woman beater is performing for my entertainment and is going to do it without me having to write any ‘CUM BACK STEVE’ columns, cause you’re damn sure not going to see any from this writer in the foreseeable future.

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE NEWSLINE

Journalist Extraordinaire, ‘Joltin’ Joe’ of Toronto Starphone’s Wrestling Hotline has reported that while the rumours of SummerSlam heading to Toronto are true, they may not be heading to the Skydome as originally thought. WWE were keen to make back the lost gate from the smaller than usual WrestleMania crowd, but an MLB game being held on the date put an end to that pipe dream. Should they remain on course for a Toronto setting, then the Air Canada Centre would be the next logical choice says PW news reporter Daniel Bradshaw, as it holds 18,000+ for wrestling events. Other venues being suggested are Toronto and even a re-hash of 1992 where SummerSlam travelled to England. No official word is expected from WWE until at least June on the matter.

Diamond Dallas Page is looking to come out of retirement. The man whose only bad day in his life was when Bob Holly shattered his neck is reportedly looking to undergo Kurt Angle’s experimental neck surgery (makes it sound like Kurt’s the doctor there…). Yeah, because that worked SO WELL for Kurt…

WWE superstars found themselves in trouble last Saturday as a mess up in paperwork saw the RAW brand held up longer than anticipated in Monterrey, Mexico. The talent weren’t happy about this, with one saying “JESUS, the ONE TIME we bring Eddie and THIS happens.”

Val Venis has been working as a heel at recent house shows, with Rhyno making the nonsensical face switch. Was this Vince McMahon’s vision on WWE’s HUGE SHAKE-UP!?

The Torch has reported that WWE will run a Tuesday PPV in October. The RAW show, held just nine days after SmackDown’s Sunday PPV is actually a decent idea, with WWE going for the hard sell on Monday night and hoping fans will immediately shell out the following night.

Problem is the saps should’ve held the show BEFORE No Mercy, or whatever they’re planning to call the October show. People include WWE pay-per views in their budgets and probably wouldn’t either be able to shell out another $40 just nine days after buying No Mercy, meaning this experiment will probably bomb. At least if they’d have ran the show before No Mercy, they could get a more realistic idea of whether or not it was the Sunday premise of PPVs that was putting fans off before. Now they’re just running with their concept that fans watch one show and not the other which, while I’m sure there’s a lot applicable, isn’t as true as they feel I think.

Or then there’s the option that just the entire month of October will be considered a bomb for WWE on the whole. Making a risky decision like this so soon after WrestleMania and with the rosters still not completely settled is dangerous business. They’re hoping for an upswing in all fields by the end of the year, but have no real signs as if things are headed that way. So far they’ve managed to keep many fans watching, but how many times have we seen WWE get lazy over the past three years? Too many, exactly. With two PPVs a month, chances are the casual fans who only buy PPVs if there’s an AWESOME card to keep up with all things pro-wrestling will be scared away by the premise of two a month. Firstly they won’t see the $80 expenditure as worth the money at all, you get over $50 and people start getting very cautious with their money, and secondly they won’t know which card to buy, seeing as they get like 15 minutes of both shows here and there, don’t have a general idea of what angles are running and aren’t really arsed doing the research into it.

Or maybe I’m just a pessimist. We’ll see.

Jim Ross is now officially Vince McMahon’s waterboy, paving the way for the long expected promotion of John ‘-ny Ace’ Laurintis. Will this affect my WWE viewing in any way? Probably not, so I’ll treat it with about as much apathy as it deserves.

Percy ‘Paul Bearer’ Pringle recently shut down his message board, claiming in his final posting that the Internet had raped the business of it’s dignity. Oh yeah, this coming from the guy who spawned the idea of adding Mc to every complaint about WWE in criticism of his new boss. Here’s what I had to say about the matter on the Wienerboard, I don’t feel like recycling the same thoughts for sake of originality, so bite me:

Thing with being a good critic is that you're able to enjoy something and explain why you enjoyed it as much as why you didn't enjoy something. While there are tons of Scott Keith wannabes running around quoting passages from 'Tonight in this Very Ring...' and pawning them off as their own, that does not make the talented critics' points any less valid. I believe it was Dr. Tom who said just last week in a column that some of the best in the business couldn't explain to you WHY they were so good in the ring, it just came naturally, well there are some people who, after reading up on how to perform in the ring and watching enough matches, begin to see through the lines and point out what's enjoyable and not so in a match. It comes as natural as the skill does to the guy that can't explain why he's so good, and it is just as fundamental to the business as the matches themselves.

It’s official, Confidential is dead. Velocity has been moved to Saturday mornings leaving the door open for a two-hour show where things will get a little EXTREME. I would be excited but my chances of seeing this are slim to none so meh. Oh yeah and I hardly exactly liked ECW.

SMACKED OUT

- Okay just checking one more time: WWE Champion Eddie Guerrero and his number one foe at the moment (gulps) BRADSHAW are feuding over…a…hat? A montage refutes my wishes that this was a bad nightmare. Do I have to watch SmackDown? Really?

- John ‘Bradshaw’ Layfield’s bull-horned limo graces the stage and out comes, sadly enough, our soon-to-be number one contender. So what if I ruined the end of the show, are you really surprised? Do you care? The Wieners (click the link above, only stuff I link to twice are columns I wrote of course) are discussing whether or not JBL is Vince McMahon’s satirical look at the Republican party and, after this promo, I have to say that all signs would point that direction. Bradshaw’s strategy of using a thesaurus to make a simple speech sound smarter by virtue of seventeen-syllable words instead of their simpler, four-letter counterparts, as well as being an ignorant Southern racist are points straight out of Bush’s playbook. Only thing that has me doubting the legitimacy of this claim is Bradshaw’s well-known bone for the Bush (as in George W. that is). Anyway, the promo itself was actually pretty enjoyable, despite JBL completely ruining any motive he had for hating Eddie by confirming that yes, his hat cost $1,000, but a grand was nothing to him. To prove this, he offered any fan a thou for waxing his limo. Someone read about Sean in Jobber of the Week two weeks ago on Wrestlecrap. Pointing to a guy in the crowd donned in Eddie’s new Scarface-esque t-shirt, JBL said, “Latino Heat. You. Come here. Cross over the rail. I’m sure you’re used to crossing borders.” Of course the guy smiled away like an idiot and was just an “Ola Mama,” away from coming across as the biggest sap on television on Thursday nights. And that’s going up against David Schwimmer. HIYO! Ahem. So Enrique, or Ricky as Layfield called him, began to wax and wax for a minute until, with nine seconds remaining, Bradshaw tipped over the bottle of wax onto the hood and thus lost Ricky the bet. For shame. Bradshaw declared that people like Ricky (what, idiots?) shouldn’t look to him for handouts and should instead strive to be him. A Great American.

~ Break ~

Dudley Boyz defeated Scotty 2 Hotty & Rikishi via pinfall at 04:27 to win the WWE Tag-Team Championships (*1/4)Anyone else hate when WWE just hotshot the belts onto the Dudleyz? Charles has a few choice words for those considering the Duds stale below, and I agree that it’s not necessarily Bubba Ray and D-Von who need to change, but they seriously need some direction. A heel turn for instance. Someone somewhere said that a heel turn just wouldn’t cut the mustard due to the fans cheering for any table bump, but the simple fact is that all they have to do is take out a beloved star like John Cena and BAM, they’re SD’s top heels. The match wasn’t bad, but a routine television tag-team match that tried too hard to be action filled. The end came when D-Von saved his brother from the Worm and the two hit the 3D to win. The killer line to this legendary title changed went to Tazz as he said, “The momentum continues.” Brilliant!

- Backstage, Charlie Haas freaked at Kurt Angle about how he needed this Great American Award to solidify his status as better than Benjamin. Angle told him that he could be swayed tonight with an impressive performance in the tag match. Haas promised him he would but then walked into his tagging buddy Big Show, who claimed he was the only man worthy of winning and becoming WWE Champion. Yeah because the world’s being CRYING out for the Show/Eddie rematch…

- A video package promoting Rico’s sexuality and Jackie’s presence at his side aired announcing their Runaway Arrival to SmackDown next week. Ten bucks says it gets bumped to Velocity at the last minute.

Chavo Guerrero defeated Jamie Noble via pinfall at 03:51 to retain the WWE Cruiserweight Championship (*1/2)Noble is now a face again seemingly, in spite of his recent woman beating ways. What is it with WWE getting behind woman bashers? With faces like these, who needs heels? To show his new good guy status, Jamie dropped the cut-off jeans in favour of some blue wrestling tights. This was your typical Chavo title defence, with the face dominating, Chavo Sr. interfering, Chavo Jr. taking advantage and the match being so short that it loses all relevance. Chavo got the win rolling up Noble and using the tights. Why do I feel like I write that every week?

- Theodore Long mingled backstage and walked into Shannon Moore, Orlando Jordan and Spike Dudley (bet you couldn’t tell me which one of these actually won a match tonight right nnnNOW! Unless you’ve seen the show. Or read the results. Or are a good guesser/predictor). Teddy’s looking for a man. His man won’t be any man, it’ll be a RAINING MAN. A raining man with the perfect body (Jordan?), a man with the face of an Adonis (Moore?), a man who’ll look good on the cover of Homegirl and, most importantly, a man the the $$$ in his eyes. Or the opposite of Spike (cause Spike is renowned for HATING any kind of money). Spike challenged Teddy to a match, but hey playa, Teddy is an entrepeneur. He doesn’t get dirty. Spike called him yellow but Teddy pointed out that he’s black. And as all black men do apparently, he’ll fight Spike tonight. Go Teddy.

- Speaking of black (hey I’m listening to rap music, it’s on my mind), Booker-T is backstage with Rob van Dam and Rob tells him he hasn’t been himself since he came to SmackDown. Rob’s right. Booker’s missed being a mid-carder whose best achievements were getting mediocre pops and an even more mediocre push. Here on the other hand, they get treated badly. Yup. He’s changed and is now doing what it takes to win. Rob assures him that he has his back, not that he asked or anything, and Booker agrees to go out and win the titles if Rob wants it. Rob didn’t have the heart to tell him that tonight’s match wasn’t for the titles.

~ Break ~

John Cena defeated Doug Basham via pinfall at 02:58 in a non-title match? (1/2*)Cena’s raps are even boring Cole now, who half-heartedly noted that there’s only one Cena, and I still don’t care about him. In just three minutes (wait a minute, did I just say…) the Bashams pulled the switcheroo, Cena foiled them, Doug took control, Cena fought back and got the win with the FU. It was as fun as it sounds, trust me.

Charlie Haas & Big Show defeated Rob Van Dam & Booker-T via pinfall at 06:46 (**)For all the stick I give him, Cole definitely learned something in the Tony Schiavone School of Commentary. Blake Norton recently wrote a http://www.411mania.com/ wrestling/columns/article.php?columns_id=2548”>column detailing the importance of WWE announce teams putting the product over. Cole can do that. Even though 90% of the time on TV what he is trying to get over is total crap, Cole still makes it sound as if he’s having a blast and watching a hell of a show. Here, he made RVD and Booker-T sound like huge deals, and it was essential in promoting the transpiring storyline development as major league. After a surprisingly bleh match, which you may note was given the most time of any tonight with a paltry seven minutes, the finish came via Booker-T turning on Van Dam and walking away. Van Dam managed to fight back and hit the Five Star Frog Splash, but soon was hit with a Big Show Chokeslam and pinned by Haas, who celebrated like…okay I don’t want to say that. Too far, even when I’m pissed off with just about everything.

~ Break ~

- Backstage, Angle assured Rob he knew nothing more than RVD did of the betrayal and promised him a match with Booker next week. WTF?!

Renee Dupree defeated Orlando Jordan via pinfall at 01:13 (1/4*)I bet when applying for his spot, Tony Chimmel never saw himself saying “Being accompanied to the ring by his pet poodle Fifi,” but hey, anything can happen in WWE. Quick and easy squash here that saw Dupree get the win after an elbow drop following his little dance and a Michinoku Driver. Tazz tried to be funny by adding some lyrics to the dance but it just wasn’t happening.

- Teddy Long trained vigorously backstage. For a second there when they showed his silhouette, I thought he was Undertaker. HA!

- Random backstage bitch got his orders from Kurt Angle to bring him the next Hipanic stereotype he saw.

- After some random Cole and Tazz banter, Eddie Guerrero was admiring the GAA trophy in the GM’s office. I hate it when WWE writers’ attempts at being ’funny’ with Eddie just shine through, as they did here with his ‘witty punchlines.’ Angle told Eddie that he had tonight off. He didn’t have to defend the title. The fans, and Eddie, were pissed. Weird thing is, if WWE wanted to they could have the fans booing Angle make Eddie defend his title. Pro-wrestling is pretty dumb now that I think about it.

~ Break ~

- Theodore Long came out to the ring donned in kickboxing gear, but before his match could get underway, he urged Spike to warm-up against Johnny The Bull. Since when did Teddy, a newb on SD, have ANY say in matchmaking?

Spike Dudley defeated Johnny ‘The Bull’ Stamboli via pinfall at 02:06 (1/2*)See this I just didn’t by. Had Spike not completely jobbed to the Cruiserweight Champion upon his SD debut, then perhaps I would’ve been a bit more accepting. Instead we get some skinny jobber beating a guy who, while not on every show, is always put over when he appears as a legit threat. I give up. Spike won with the Dudley Dawg on three minutes (wait a minute…). After the match, Teddy entered the ring but Spike was blindsided by Matt Morgan Mark Jindrak, who laid him out with a sort of back suplex into a uranage slam. Teddy and Mark hugged for a while following that.

- Next week, RVD vs. Booker-T. Yeah, like they wanna earn some MONEY off this! HA!

- Kurt Angle came out to the ring with the GAA covered and introduced the nominees. Seems like an obvious time to take a…

~ Break ~

Someone tell John Cena that monkey hats aren’t his thing. Kurt reminded us that Cena won a landslide victory on the WWE.com poll. That settles that then. JBL stopped Kurt before he could give the award to Cena though, and showed him a video clip of him chasing away some wannabe immigrants, swaying Angle into announcing him the victor. However, the trophy was not the one that Eddie Guerrero was ogling over earlier, but a cheaper version with an Eddie portrait underneath. Angle called out Eddie and the champ obliged, leaving me thinking how convenient it was that Eddie somehow knew his most obvious rival of the moment would win. The segment itself actually wasn’t bad, with Angle’s petulant and pissed off expressions reminding me of the days before WWE forced the management role on him, and Eddie’s witty comments as he destroyed the trophy (“Look what I found in the parking lot homes,” on the trophy and “It’s alright homes, eagle’s can fly with one wing,” after ‘accidentally’ ripping the left wing off). The segment ended with Eddie chasing Bradshaw and Angle out of the ring, using the trophy as a makeshift weapon (are they good for anything else?), and then destroying it with a chair.

My Two Cents: While SmackDown’s shows aren’t bad, they are poor. There’s been no reason to watch since Kurt Angle announced himself as GM, as it’s been clear since day one he’s not suited for the serious, authoritative and intelligent role. Incidentally, Angle showed glimpses of his charisma in the final segment tonight, but it was more of an impressive supporting actor’s role making an unbearable plot seem a little worthwhile more than anything else. The opening and closing segments were decent thanks to the personalities involved, but this whole JLB angle will flop and in the next couple of months I suspect he’ll have jobbed to both Eddie and Cena leaving nothing else to do other than reunite the APA. Like I said when the angle first started, Vince don’t throw away Ron Simmons’ # just in case.

I’m in shock that they’re blowing off the RVD/Booker-T feud this early. They have what? Six weeks until the next pay-per view, perhaps some dissension in the tag-team would’ve sparked some interest when the eventual turn happened and the resulting blow-off between the two could’ve been somewhat of an in-ring saving grace for Judgment Day but alas, instead we get it prematurely and watered down no doubt. WWE still have time to rescue this potential money feud and the participants involved, but I don’t trust them anymore.

On the whole, for the first time in a long-time, I feel the only thing keeping me tuning into SmackDown every week and not just check-up on the spoilers week-by-week and making my decision then is this report, and you don’t want to see me resenting this report…

This Week’s Rating: 2.6Last Week’s Rating: 3.2Average Rating: 3.6

CHARLES’ CORNER

Quickly becoming the highlight of this news report, so quickly in fact that I’ll have to fire him for stealing my spotlight soon, heeeeerrrrrrreee’s CHARLES:

Molding Your Stale Thoughts

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, I'm a firm believer in that. Yet some opinions, I fully admit I can't *comprehend*. (Not to say there's anything wrong with them... I just don't have the 'capacity' to see the viewpoint...)

One in particular I've been hearing a lot lately, is 'so and so is stale'. Primarily, in wrestling, this comes in mention of the Dudley Boyz a lot. While there are others mentioned in the 'stale realm', it seems they're the ones most frequently mentioned in my encounters at least.

As I said... I welcome others to their opinion... but for me, I just don't 'get' this.

Are the Dudley's using the same moves, and move sets? Do they still use the 3-D as their finisher? Will you most likely see the 'Whazzup-Head-Butt'? These and more questions of repetition, which could lead to 'staleness', is a resounding 'yes' in the answer, I'm sure...

But isn't that the case for almost EVERY wrestler and team, in the WWE??

After all... almost every wrestler has his 'big finisher'. Almost every wrestler will hit his 'famous spots' in a match... almost every wrestler will, for the most part, go through the same routine... every time we see them.

So how do some particular wrestlers become 'stale'... yet others are still 'fresh'??

Maybe in this case I *can* comprehend this somewhat, after all... for, in some cases... doesn't it come down to the opponents and situations? In the case of the Dudley's, some say their staleness is because they're 'old and have done it all. They've won the titles so many times, etc. etc.'... yet a good old fashioned title hunt can ALWAYS be fun for the oldest of teams... if things are done 'right'.

'Right', however, is the same as 'stale'... it's not the same for everyone. Some want to see 'x' in an angle, some want to see 'y'. As I said before... the WWE can't please everyone, all the time. But keep things varied... keep it fresh... and the rest will, hopefully, follow. While a good creative team sure *helps* things, and can sure make overcoming 'staleness' easier... there's another element...

What I've talked about before. Taking your own time TO enjoy what's going on. Now, if you're sick of a wrestler or a team, you're sick of a wrestler or a team. There's no getting around that... but sometimes... sometimes, we can *all* 'overanalyze' something. Sometimes we have to sit back and just *enjoy* ourselves... even if it is repetitive. I know I can... and I know for me, no matter HOW many times I see a '3-D'... it never gets old. It never gets stale. Because I can see the enthusiasm that D-Von and Bubba go out and into the ring, with, and how they never slack in their attempt to entertain. And their very own enthusiasm 'draws me in'... every time.

Maybe to some they are stale... but to me... it's my own viewpoint and state of mind that freshens up the staleness. I'll fully admit, I could be biased, because I'm a fan of theirs... and as I said before, a good storyline wouldn't *hurt*... yet I also like to think that at the same time, if I ever did think they were 'stale'... I'd be able to change my *own* viewpoint... because that's the only one I can control. Stale is a state of mind... and one that can be molded... at least *I* like to think so.

So for me... while I welcome all to their own beliefs of 'staleness'... personally, I'll be looking forward to the next time I can join in with the crowd, and shout...

Normally when I’m too lazy to write out the thing I’ve been hoping to get out now since the start of the report, I do movie reviews. I’ve done movie reviews for the past two weeks so I’m not going to bother with them either this week. Instead, read this debate in our forums with some inspired words by myself on the second page and enjoy. Sign up for the forums and enjoy some more, they’ll be getting a whole lot more interesting in the near future let me assure you…

Yeah, I’m late again… More Nitro is going to be temporarily delayed I’m afraid… I’m missing my tape that holds the November 13 – January 8 editions, and until it comes up, I’m going to have to stop since I WOULD like to do everything in order.