8-NHL Conference Finals: Penguins vs. Hurricanes (Tuesday 7:30pm from Raleigh, Friday & Sunday if necessary), Red Wings vs. Blackhawks (Wednesday 7:30pm from Detroit, Saturday & Monday if necessary; all games in each series live on VERSUS)

Remember how a couple weeks ago the NHL was undergoing a revival? What the hell happened to that? I’m probably more likely to check out an episode of “Jon & Kate Plus 8” than the crap they’re putting on right now and calling playoff hockey. But if somehow….oh please dear God somehow…..the Penguins could somehow blow a 3-0 lead and leave those idiots in Western Pennsylvania looking like this……

…..I would forever be grateful to everyone in Raleigh, North Carolina. Except Sidney Lowe. And DeShawn Painter. But everyone else.

I don’t think we get HDNet in the spacious Towson studios of WNST; but if we did, I know a certain doughy producer who would be in early tomorrow morning to watch some fights. Who’s on this card, you ask? Try this man……

…..Bob Sapp. Who reminds me of Michael Oher except he’s BIGGER and REALLY FREAKING SCARY. After Tuesday’s fight, Sapp next plans to fight Bobby Lashley a month from now in Biloxi; which reminds me that 1-I need to check on the prices of flights to Mississippi and 2-I will probably need some bigger sofa pillows. There’s another idiotic maniac on Tuesday’s card; one whose fighting career thus far has included this stellar performance against Vai Sikahema….

This gives me a great idea for how to handle the Hall of Fame debate with steroids players, by the way.

Rex Snider will be riding the WNST bus up to the Monster Mile Sunday to spend another exciting (?) day of watching left turns with you yahoos. And I love the fact that NASCAR is using this opportunity to try to raise awareness for autism. Because nothing quite says autism awareness like a morning of wasting money on slots, heavy drinking, spitting tobacco, and cursing at professional race car drivers.

“Hey Gordon, why don’t you get your pansy ass off our track and let a real man drive a car! Dale JUNIOR RULES!!!!! Oh, and please donate some money for autism. It’s an epidemic. Just like your mom, Edwards!”

5-French Open/Roland Garros (Tuesday-Friday 5am-noon live on Tennis Channel, noon-6:30 live on ESPN2; Saturday 5am-1:30pm live on Tennis Channel, 1:30pm-4:30pm live on NBC; Sunday 5am-3pm live on Tennis Channel, 3pm-6pm live on NBC; Monday 5am-noon live on Tennis Channel, noon-6:30pm live on ESPN2. All matches from Paris.)

As of the time I wrote this, Rafael Nadal had won 29 straight matches at the French Open; and will almost certainly extend that streak to 35. With that in mind, I thought it would be fun to have my girlfriend (“The Luckiest Darn Gal on the Face of the Planet”) step in to guest edit with her list of things I’ve done 35 times consecutively…..

-Replace the alarm clock with his own flatulent wake-up call
-Tell me we’re going out to a nice dinner and then ask me where he put his Qdoba coupons
-Invite me to meet his friends at a bar and then let me know I’ll be the one who’s driving
-Respond with “Does it matter?” when I ask him if he thinks I’m beautiful
-Bring beer to bed on a Friday night
-Tell me he wants to stay in and watch TV and then inform me that he and his roommate “always watch wrestling on Mondays. And Thursdays. And Fridays. And sometimes Sundays.”
-Tell me he’s already let his buddies know I’ll be making buffalo chicken dip tonight
-Interrupt a meaningful question by asking “Do you think there are any episodes of Girls Next Door on the TiVo?”
-Ask me “I wonder what Gary Williams is thinking right now” before we go to bed
-Stand in front of the mirr…….

You know, I think that’s enough of TLDGOTFOTP for tonight. Thanks sweetie. Please prepare some more dip.

Because I’m such a damn good reporter, I’ve actually already been able to track down a transcript of how the final round will play out….

Moderator: “The word is Uehara”
Child: “Uehara?”
Moderator: “Yes, Uehara.”
Child: “Uehara. Can you give me the origin?”
Moderator: “Yes, Uehara is Japanese.”
Child: “Uehara. What part of speech is it?”
Moderator: “It is a noun”
Child: “Uehara. Can you use it in a sentence?”
Moderator: “Yes. The Orioles desperately needed pitching during the offseason, but all they managed to get was Uehara.”
Child: “Uehara. U..E….H…….A………..R……………….A???”
Moderator: “Congratulations. You have won the Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee. Which is one more win than Adam Eaton will have for the rest of his life.”

2-NBA Conference Finals: Cavaliers vs. Magic (Tuesday 8:30pm from Orlando, Thursday 8:30pm from Cleveland. Saturday from Orlando & Monday from Cleveland if necessary; all games on TNT); Nuggets vs. Lakers (Wednesday 9pm from Los Angeles, Friday 9pm from Denver; both games live on ESPN. Sunday 8:30pm from Los Angeles if necessary, live on ABC)

How much are the Orlando Magic killing David Stern right now? All they want is to get their epic ratings monster Kobe-LeBron final; and some guy named Hedo Turkoglu keeps screwing everything up. Cavs-Lakers would get every TV set in the country. Magic-Nuggets would get every TV set in…..the Epcot Center and Chris Andersen’s parents’ house?

Meanwhile, Vince McMahon did a nice job of making Nuggets owner E. Stanley Kroenke look like an ass Monday night, accusing him of “Enos envy”, which I have to admit I laughed at. I also laughed at the worst Jack Nicholson impersonator of all time, and at the fact that I was watching a children’s TV program and analyzing it as if it were the AFC Championship Game.

Eh, I don’t care. Here’s a picture of Vince McMahon getting his head shaved by Donald Trump for absolutely no reason at all….

I have decided I will be rooting for Manchester United Wednesday against Barcelona. There are a couple of reasons why I have made this decision. First of all, I like the fact that Man U has this guy on their squad……

Okay, so that guy ISN’T on the team. But they DO have a player whose only name is Fabio; and that kinda kicks ass. I’m also rooting for Man U because Christiano Ronaldo plays for Man U; and he used to date Merche Romero…..

….this is one of those relationships where you’re not so sure how you feel after the break-up. You know, except for the fact that you’re absolutely certain you kinda wanna get with Christiano Ronaldo.