Tuesday, September 2, 2014

This quote is what I heard over and over in my head on November 12, 2013. The day I went in for my surgery not knowing what the outcome would be in regards to my future with being able to conceive. What I did know was that I was going to be in a better place than I was prior to that day because in my heart I knew it was the right decision and I had an amazing surgeon.

The first day meeting with the Doctor who eventually did my surgery he went over all my records from the past physicians I had seen over a 10 year period. He remained professional and I could see him shaking his head as he turned over some of the pages in my chart. Finally, when he finished he looked up at me and asked if I wanted to have children. I said "I do but for so long I've been told I can't". He said not even blinking an eye "Then you will have children". From that day on we began procedures and tests and ultimately the final result of it all was surgery.

I think back to that first appointment with my doctor and sitting in my car while it was so warm. I burst into tears. I was so happy yet I was so angry as to how could I see so many doctors being told the same thing, making me feel so incompetent. Even to the point where one doctor gave me a card to see a therapist that could help me cope with the idea of having children (true story). Things I was told that I never shared with friends or family.

There I was sitting in my car at the age of 29, in a hot car, with tears soaking my shirt... feeling for the first time in my life that I may not be broken after all.

It will be just about if not exactly a year that Autumn will be born from the day I had my surgery to make this all possible. I'll forever be thankful for November 12, 2013 and the doctor who held and rubbed my hand as the anesthesia was kicking in saying, "everything will be okay Katie,.."

In the beginning everyone wants to get to 12 weeks. It's when risk begins to decrease and also begins all of the exciting tests and ultrasounds to learn more about your baby. I remember just wanting to say I was "12 weeks" as if it were yesterday. A few weeks ago we officially reached where we only had 12 weeks left.

Writing that number on Autumn's new little chalkboard for her Nursery made me emotional, in a good way. I was so proud of myself for how far I've come and most especially proud of Autumn and how well she's doing. She's growing in there and teaching me the true meaning of patience. There were times when I was alone and things around me I lost all control of and I had my own little breakdowns. In moments of weakness I felt I had no strength. I just rub that little genie lamp of a belly and I realize she needs me. My little miracle needs me to keep staying strong and taking care of myself. Together we've made it so far and continue to make each day count.

#80: I want you to experience color but also appreciate the beauty of black and white.

Monday, September 1, 2014

This puppy.. okay so he will be 5, but to me all dogs are still puppies no matter what age they are. There's this beautiful youth they each have hidden away that they show at random moments. Peanut can be a Grumpy Old Man at times and just lounge not wanting to be bothered, which is very rarely I should add. Mainly, his #1 job in life is to love everyone and to make them feel loved.

The moment we walk in the backdoor he greets us by jumping off the couch, while we hear his little paws pitter pattering and then he attempts to leap a whole 3 inches off the floor. It's his routine and then we pick him up. If Charlie and I walked in together whoever is not holding him walks close to the other so Peanut can switch off giving each of us an enormous amount of kisses all of our face and noses.

What I enjoy is being home before Charlie and watching Peanut go from being in a dead sleep, to his ears perk up when the truck enters the driveway. He paces on the couch until he knows that Charlie has stepped onto the back deck and then there he goes full speed to the back door. Peanut seems to time is perfectly to be right there as Charlie opens the door. It amazes me and fills my heart to see how excited this pup is to his dad and best friend.

We talk about Peanut everyday when Autumn arrives. We tell him everyday that he's still our baby too and we want him to show Autumn love just as he does us. We pray Autumn will feel the same way about Peanut as she gets older and they will have some great memories together.

These are the moments that I live for these days. When I'm relaxing before bed, writing, browsing the web or catching up on all my friends and families most recent activities on Facebook.

I feel an incredible movement from Autumn and then I look down.. and there is no question where she is. Which part of Autumn exactly is causing that mountain of a lump that helps me to see my stomach freckles that have vanished in the past 7 months? That part we only guess. Maybe it's her little tooshie, or head.. possibly a knee.

Placing my hand or Charlie's on there, rubbing that little bump and talking to her eventually causes her to move position. It's the most beautiful thing that I've ever seen. It's very surreal at times and I know that our little girl is enjoying her time spent in there.

I must have watched this video 50 times or more. It was our "Baby Announcement" video when we were around 10 weeks. I was so excited to share the news with everyone, but we of course wanted to be sure that all was well with our little one. At the time of the video we did not know the gender, we just called our little one, "Baby". This little baby was and is our Miracle. I'm glad we will forever have this video to share with Autumn someday.

#83: We will take videos of all your milestones in life. The first giggle, when you have hiccups, first step, first words... We want to share all of these moments with you someday.

Pregnancy is a beautiful thing, that there is no denying of. However, I want to talk about the reality in which there is so much that I feel is left out. Perhaps, it's just not always explained fully as each woman goes through different experiences yet they're the same. We don't want to complain or sound weak.

The moment I became pregnant it almost feels as if all control of my body was lost. It's not your body anymore. There is so much natural happenings going on that changes from day to day, week to week and month to month. The pains in different areas that come and go. The extra weight that surprises you in parts of your body that you haven't yet discovered. There's the swollen kankles ankles that leave your feet hurting as you take steps.

There's the itchiness on my stomach, arms, wrists and legs along with light burning feeling as the skin stretches. There's also the dizziness and nausea earlier on during the pregnancy which takes a toll as it felt the flu set in.Then there are the mood swings. It's not just an excuse, it's the truth (haha). Your body is going through so much, very fast that the emotions are hard to pinpoint and why you even feel the way you're feeling.

However, overtime it all passes. In stages I should say as there is always some type of strange change going on throughout your body. It's all worth it and if I'm given the opportunity again someday I hope to do it all again.

With all of these changes in my body I know who's responsible for them and she's going to be looking up at us before we know it with beautiful eyes saying, "Hello, I'm Autumn"

#84: Folding construction paper and cutting out hearts, tying strings and making a mobile.