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The observer’s guide to corporate creatures

My Accountant (Photo credit: billypalooza)

The corporate environment can be bewildering to the outside observer with its strange menagerie of creatures. This handy cut out and keep guide helps the reader in observing and identifying subjects. The corporate ecosystem exists in a delicate state of balance and too many or two few of these creatures may prove disastrous.

Often observed among the spreadsheets that make up their native environment, bean counters have a language all of their own and communicate completely in numbers. Knowing the cost of everything and the value of nothing, they are called upon for their mystical ability to bamboozle people into making decisions. They are most active around times of the year known as quarter ends when they can become quite aggressive if provoked.

The Rock Lifter(auditor maximus)

Usually appearing during the auditing season, rock lifters frantically run around lifting rocks. Should they find anything nasty beneath the rock, they squawk loudly until someone cleans up the nastiness. Their main predators seem to be risks and non-conformities which they fear greatly.

The Computer Programmer(computus debuggerus)

Computer programmers are perfect – any of them will tell you so. It is therefore a mystery as to where the insidious bugs in computer software come from. Many such creatures are more comfortable interacting with machines than with people. Computer programmers are fiercely territorial and often take the opportunity to rewrite perfectly good software to make it their own.

Fed on a diet of computer components, their waste products are slow, unstable laptops. Thought to be nocturnal as they are seldom seen during the day. Difficult to spot as they often hide behind something strangely called the “help” desk.

The CEO(buck stopshere)

Solitary creatures, seldom seen outside their native environment of the ivory tower, CEOs spend their lives in search of elusive creatures known as earnings per share. CEOs are superstitious creatures who often consult with bean counters before making any big decisions.

The Salesman (barrow boyus)

Salesmen hunt the creatures known as deals. Once they bag a deal, they bask in the aftermath and feast on commission often until they next become hungry. Ruthless in nature, they look for any weakness in the opponent before pouncing.