Mercedes M. Yardley

A Broken Laptop

I Crossed Something Off My Bucket List. And Backlash.

I wear a bracelet that says “Be Brave.” My New Year’s Resolution has often been “Do things that scare me.” I’ve wanted to shave my head since I was about 15, but never had the courage. A few months ago I lost the black bangs and tried a blonde Mohawk, and it was a wonderful experience. This summer I made the healthy (yet difficult) decision to split with my publishers. Last week I ran Ragnar. These were all brave things, and I’m proud of myself.
After months of consideration, I decided to shave my head. I wanted to feel liberated. I wanted a clean slate. I haven’t seen my natural hair color in 12 years. I wanted to do something for myself instead of for everyone else.
I discussed it with my husband and he was nothing but supportive. I certainly don’t need his “permission” and he would never assume that I would, but I love him and respect his opinion. If it was going to be uncomfortable for him, I’d absolutely take that into consideration, but he only encouraged me.
My Angry Ginger and my children came with me. I couldn’t stop grinning. My daughter told me I was beautiful. My son rubbed his hands across my scalp, said we had the same hair, and kissed me. My youngest said my hair looked like a hamster and tried to feed it a cracker.
I especially liked that part.
My Angry Ginger told me the cut felt very familiar to her. Like she had known me like that before. Another friend told me my ME-NESS was shining through. It felt like washing my face and being painfully honest. This is me without the trappings. This is Mercedes. Look in my eyes and you’ll see my soul.
I shared one picture on Facebook. Honesty comes with vulnerability, and I was prepared for that. I’ve been stripped down as of late, and I’m learning that being vulnerable isn’t always a bad thing.What I wasn’t prepared for were the messages that came pouring into my inbox. Messages from people I barely knew or outright strangers telling me that they hated what I had done. There was venom and emotion. Someone said I was “dyking it up.” Someone else said that I had disfigured myself. Another told me that I had made myself ugly and my husband would be ashamed and leave me.
On and on, more and more. I finally glanced at the beginning of the emails and then deleted the rest of them unread.
We’ve allowed social media to become a dangerous place. It’s unchecked. It’s constantly frothing. And, quite honestly? It’s stupid. I don’t use that word lightly.
Do you remember when female horror writers and my friend specifically were called hags? Remember when I wrote two lines on #YesAllWomen and received death threats? How is any of this acceptable?
These are my thoughts:
My appearance has no bearing on a stranger’s day. My body is not for their viewing pleasure. It has nothing to do with them.
The ones that love me support me. I’m still beautiful to them. And even if I’m not,it doesn’t concern anyone else.
Doesn’t the outrage weary them? Couldn’t they be putting their obvious free time to good use? They could change the world. Take that passion and do something useful with it. Protect what needs protecting. Use their voice in a positive way.
It’s selfishness and ego. I shaved my head to empower myself. It wasn’t for them; it was for me.
I’m not ashamed.

Seriously? Those people are shining with evil. I like it. Hilarious and precious remarks from your children, and good job on your husband supporting you. He knows your beauty goes far deeper than your hair. I’m so proud of you challenging yourself. It’s inspiring, as you always are.

“Feed it string cheese…” that’s a hoot. Also, your hair looks good. Of course, I cut mine to the same length 🙂
Finally, you don’t owe anyone any consideration of their opinions, unless you decide that you owe it to them. Anyone who thinks otherwise is a troll, of which there are a truly alarming number on the Net. The ability to preemptively shut up trolls would be a great step forward in electronic civilization. God(s) bless you and yours.

The “dyking it up” comment really gets to me, mostly because I’m a lesbian and sometimes wear “male” clothes though I have been more frequently wearing pretty dresses. It’s so silly that people think certain hairstyles are for certain people. Hair grows. It constantly changes. Maybe people do too. I hope the negative commentators learn that their comments were unneeded and hate-filled and grow from that. But for now, screw ’em.

“Dyking it up” is an insanely ignorant comment intended to hurt. What an insanely disrespectful way to speak to or about anybody.
By the way, we finished up the peaches tonight! Thank you so much for them! They were so delicious. 🙂

My only disappointment in this is that I had a side bet you were an alien and I was hoping the short hair would unveil a third eye– or at least a “Master-Blaster” type creature whispering dark thoughts.
Or a small dragon leeching off your brainwaves. That would’ve been totally cool.
xoxo

I’m baffled that people would react like that to someone they don’t even know getting a haircut. Somewhere there’s an essay waiting to be written about just why women with short hair are so offensive to some people.
Not that my opinion matters, but you look great.

I got linked to this through Facebook and I’d like to say, as a complete stranger, that the short hair looks good on you. Good for you! I’d also like to point out that in the late ’70’s early ’80’s there was an article written that said that women with extremely long hair were compensating for abuse they suffered in childhood. My answer is Hair is hair. Do what you want with it. If you don’t like it, it grows back.

First, I love the cut. You’ve got the strong bone structure to carry it off. If anything, it highlights your natural good looks. Second, you’ve made quite a few changes to your appearance since we first met back at the Vegas Valley book fair back in October. Seems to me you’re exploring “Mercedes” and getting a feel for where you’re heading…as an individual rather than as a mom or a spouse. Nothing wrong there. The better we know and relate to ourselves, the better wives, daughters, sisters, mothers, and friends we are. It’s as if by gaining access to our WHOLE selves, we have more to share. So, the naysayers can go Pluck a Duck. You do whatever you need to do to take this journey.

I’m so sorry you had to face that reaction. You ARE beautiful, just as you. You are not your hair or your looks, and you worded your attitude perfectly here. Thank you for sharing! You’re a hero! 😀 *hugs*

Holy crap, I can’t wrap my head around why people would insult you like that for *gasp* cutting your hair! The horrors, the horrors! I think you look pretty awesome with hair that short, to be honest, and even if I didn’t, well, it’s not my hair, and that shuts down any right I’d have to make any decisions about it.
For years, shaving my head is something I wanted to do. Even in adulthood, I had this fear that my parents would disapprove, that it would draw too much unwanted attention to myself, that I’d regret it and have to live with a horrible ugly haircut until it grew back. So I didn’t do it. Until I spent a long while battling with a tumour that screwed up my life in ways I hate to even think about, and suddenly at that point, the length of my hair didn’t seem so weighty anymore. I wanted to do it. I didn’t know if I’d get the chance to do it if I didn’t do it then. So I did it. I thankfully got support from people around me, and nobody made disparaging comments about it. And I know I got lucky. And I’m sorry that you didn’t get so lucky in your treatment, and that bigoted morons decided to judge where they had no right.

Oh my goodness! How are you doing now? That was a realization I had, too: life is too short. I had a terrible sugar crash at the Ragnar Relay last week where I apparently couldn’t tell them my name and I didn’t recognize my husband. These things we put off because of fear? There’s no time for that.
I think you’re wonderfully brave. 🙂

1. I love the style. You look beautiful and my goodness what a beautiful family. 2. People were annoyed and mad and hateful? Why? Why? You aren’t burning crosses or displaying a hateful symbol. You aren’t being racist, hitting your kids or dog fighting. You cut your hair. Those people need to get a life.

You started this post by talking about fear – as in doing things that scare you. The hateful responses you experienced are completely driven by fear: fear of anyone who’s different, who doesn’t conform, and especially, of anyone who dares to break the traditional gender identity norms. How dare you not fit their narrow definition of woman as a pretty, feminine, compliant old fashioned girl who lives to please her man? How dare you threaten the very foundations of their worldview?
Thanks so much for knocking one more hole in the sexist cultural infrastructure. And yes, I know you didn’t shave for any such reason, but for the only good reason – because you wanted to. But the fact that even you found the idea scary says a lot about how hard the old gender paradigms still hang on.

Beautifully insightful! Yes, they hang on. And I don’t *want* to displease people. I love people. I want them to love me back. So doing something that I knew would be disappointing to some (Hi Mom and Dad!) was difficult. But it wasn’t for them, it was for me. I felt like I was taking my life back, and it’s beautiful. Thank you for this comment. It’s brilliant.

I love your approach of doing things that require you to be brave. I’d be proud of myself, too. And the hair looks great–you are lucky you have a good face and head. Ignore the haters–they fear what they don’t understand and so lash out.

I found this link when friend and fellow author Bracken McCleod posted it and to say he was furious would be an understatement. I honestly had no idea what they could be hating on you for; your photo looked perfectly fine and you looked perfectly beautiful. Then I read the article. Needless to say I’m as furious as Bracken. Much love and respect to you and your family.

kshayes513 nailed it perfectly above. There is prodigious outrage about a woman “taking on power” on the part of people whose sense of gender breaks down along simplistic lines like haircuts. I will go to my grave saying that one of the things her haters despised most about Sinead O’ Connor is that, while absolutely stunning, she refused to play along with “pretty girl” marketing and kept her head shaved. Also, as has been said elsewhere, what on earth do people think they’re doing offering unsolicited negative comments about your bloody haircut?

The whole focus on gender wars right now is baffling! I truly don’t understand why that needs to be a “thing.” We should all be equal because we’re equally beautiful and amazing inside.
Now I know how to start a nuclear war, though. Have all the women shave their heads. 😛

I have found when strangers come at you with aggression, it is because you have activated their fight or flight instinct: you put them face to face with something they feel threatens their preconceptions of reality. There was a disruption in their world, and they must lash out at what they do not understand. Their words are never about you, but echoes of their own disgruntlement with themselves. These people have no coping skills, no mechanisms with which to deal with their anxiety and insecurity, so it must all boil to the surface and find an outside target.
Pity them, for their existence must dark and dreary if spreading hate and vileness is the only light they can find in their world.

As Thing2 frequently says, “People are idiots.” It’s possible that she’s a bit intolerant, but I’ve believe she’s right in this instance. Continue being fierce. It scares the normals. If nothing else, remember that unsolicited advice is worth what you paid for it. And on that note, I still think your hair is too long. Stop hiding the noggin! Except in winter. Because you can, always grow your hair out a bit in the winter. It cuts the draft. Just sayin’.

To thine own self be true… and fuck what anyone else has to say about it. I went through chemo last year and almost lost all my hair. I was ready and willing to wear my bald head proudly. I’m glad I beat cancers ass before all my hair fell out, but I lost a lot of it. It was a good think I already knew how to rock a hat. Hat, no hat, long hair or shaved head – do what makes you happy. Miserable people are just miserable, and leave them to their own misery. I think you’re hot, and I’m totally not into chicks.

First, anyone who doesn’t think peach fuzz on a woman’s head isn’t good looking is wrong.
Second – those eyes are worth any “big hair” on a “beautiful woman” any day.
Your Angry Ginger is so lucky to have such a beautiful companion, Mercedes. Rock on, wonderful lady!

You Rock Lady and your hair is outstanding. It does take bravery to just stand up for what is obviously your right. Do whatever works for you ..you have a fantastic soul …and the beauty of who you are is shining through those fantastic eyes of yours…as always my awesome friend …just me …Vitina

You did something wonderful and brave for yourself, but, in a strange way, it feels as though you’ve done it for me.
As I looked at your picture, I felt something swell inside of me. It grew bigger and bigger until it finally started to slide down my cheeks. It was really kind of overwhelming.
I’m so proud of you!
Thank you.

It’s funny how people think they can chime in on another person’s appearance, dreams, goals, etc with unsolicited advice or opinions. I color my hair alot because I get bored easily and every time I do someone at my workplace has to make a stupid comment about how I looked better before, or why did I change it. I’ve started replying with my Italian sarcasm stating “Oh, so sorry I didn’t run it by you before I changed my own hairstyle. What was I thinking!?”
Do what you want to do for your own self. You’ve got the right attitude Mercedes. It’s your life, who gives a f*ck what other people think!

*Paul high-fives Mercedes, gives her hug* Bravo, mon ami! You absolutely ROCK!
All of that negativity you got, all of those abhorrent messages, reflects on the senders tenfold. They are self-loathing cowards all. I am so glad you are doing what YOU want, and fuck anyone who thinks otherwise.
I feel so fortunate to have you as a friend. You give me the inspiration to shake off my own people-pleasing shackles. We share our lives with our loved ones, but we must never lose sight that our lives are, indeed, OURS.
I am so happy for you, Mercedes. 🙂

The majority of this world worries too much about what others think and do. All that matters are the opinions of your spouse, yourself and God. Be true to yourself, there are enough hypocrites in this world.

Well, I think you look great.
I’ve wanted to shave my head since I was seventeen. I harbor no illusions that I would look good that way, but I’ve always had the craving to know what it feels like freshly shaven, then growing back.
Like you, I wouldn’t need permission from my husband, but in my case, he’d be a bit grim at that decision. So, I probably won’t.
But never say never.
Again, you look terrific. Enjoy it!

Mercedes,
You are beauitiful.
Dont let anyone tell you different.
You have mad skills a beautiful family. You were choosen as we were to protect one of gods elite children here on earth. That in its self brings criticism and misunderstanding from the masses. Hold your head high be proud of who you are and what you stand for. If you or your family ever need anything at all we are here for you. God bless you and your family always.
David Ramage

The only people whose opinions are worth caring about are the people who care about you. And even then, only when convenient and/or constructive. 😉
I absolutely love this post, love your bravery, and love the you-ness of you (as much as a near-stranger from the wilds of Canada can love someone she’s only met in passing, anyway). I love that you don’t need to be told that you are brave and free and you, that you decided to be, and therefore you are.
It really is that simple. And that easy. And that hard.

I love it on you! Looks great! I hope you keep it for a while. I’ve shaved my head twice now and it was liberating but growing it out (especially past the ears) was a pretty awkward. You’ll see what I mean…

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and there is only one person in your life beholds you every day for your entire life and that is yourself as long as that person can look in the mirror and see yourself smiling back that’s all any of us really needs to make their day. There will be days the smile is a struggle but it is still you there looking back at you the person YOU have to live with for the rest of your days and only your opinion really matters and to hell with anybody else’s. Those that truly love you will support your choices even when they think you’re wrong and still be there to support you when you actually were wrong. I never knew you with anything but the crop look and to me you’re beautiful but even that opinion is worth nothing because even my thoughts will never be as important as your own so carry on doing your own thing because that is all that’s important ” IT’s YOUR THING AND NO ONE ELSE’S ”.

I wish I could shave my head and still look good… I am not sure that fear is the explanation for the bad behavior..I believe it too be more of this strange notion that our opinion matters to everyone and we must share it.. That politeness and manners are no longer important.. We need to realize that while our opinion may count to our family, our opinions do not matter to others…and we do not need to share everything we are thinking. Some may say that if you have a blog or if you’re in the public eye that you leave yourself open to criticism.. And while everyone might not agree with your choices, there are nicer ways to say.. I don’t like your choices.. Until that time , I guess you must remember everyone is entitled to their own opinion , but you can let them know that their opinion just doesn’t count.. And I think you did just that! And I am jealous of your hair, but smart enough to know my opinion doesn’t really matter to you!

I think you look gorgeous, Mercedes! And bravo for doing things that scare you. It’s one of the ways we grow as people.
What kind of assholes would say stuff like that on Facebook, or even think it? I’m sorry you have to deal with so much crap. I suspect it’s jealousy. You are beautiful no matter how you wear your hair.

There is little to say here except AMEN. It amazes me how much women are so frequently viewed as (insert random derogatory superlative here) and EXPECTED to be…hell, I don’t even know anymore. I’m not a feminist or gay or any such thing, but I am a woman. We have a voice and a purpose and it seems that the primary goal of, well…haters (for lack of a better word), is to shut us up and shut us down. It’s truly stunning to me how pathetic others can be over something that doesn’t involve them in ANY way at all. Good for you and your husband and your kids and -wait, who cares what anyone else thinks. Good for you!

Good for you! No one else’s opinions matter in the slightest. I just hope you get some kick ass lipstick as a present to yourself. Keep writing. Keep being fearless. &@%$ (you can guess what that one is) everything else. You and your family are all that is important and the rest just falls away…
I had a similar experience this week when I saved a little dog who needed a home. One person told me I had an addiction. Another thought I was crazy. I know he would have been taken to a shelter and put down. I couldn’t live with myself if I let that happen so I did the hard thing and brought him home. Did I need another dog? Do I have time while writing under two names, a full time job and a newly blind family member? No. But my husband and I did it and I haven’t been sorry. He’s the best and it’s our family. That’s it.
Do hard things. They are the ones worth fighting for.
Hugs and can’t wait to read more of your work again soon.
Much hugs and admiration,
Dana

Reblogged this on Dana Wright Wordscribe and commented:
Mercedes is as always, brave. You do the hard things and most often they are the ones that are the most important. Your family is what matters and the rest…well. There you go. 🙂

The “dyking it up” comment is so familiar. It’s one I’ve been dealing with all my life as a straight woman who doesn’t particularly “perform” as classically feminine. That haircut is both badass and beautiful (and accentuates your lovely eyes). Be who you are, do what you like with your body. And my opinion doesn’t matter any more than any other strangers’, but I applaud you.

Ms Yardley, I think you look stunning. But whether I do or not, your chosen hairstyle is none of my business. I just can’t fathom people who think otherwise.
My wife regularly buzzes her hair, and sometimes dyes it violently pink. She occasionally has to deal with someone who decides to judge her, which sucks, but she’s gotten more people who approach her to rave rather than rant, which is a huge boost for her spirit.
Bravo to her and to you, Ms Yardley, for doing what you want.

Mercedes, I entirely applaud you and your decision to be brave and do whatever the hell you choose to do with your own hair (body, life, whatevs – it’s all you!). Furthermore, I have to say that you have a very nice head shape and do the hair style better than Sinead O’Connor did. In short, you took a chance (I mean, do any of us know for certain if we’ve got a ‘weird shaped skull’ before shaving a LOT of hair off?), and it totally paid off – you look very nice, and you feel empowered, and you opened an important topic of discussion. The anonymity of the Internet has given people the idea that they are not only entitled to privately hold an opinion, they’re entitled to beat others over the head with it in a way that would get them punched in the face if they did it in person. To that sort of person there’s really only one response – f*ck off, @$$hole, it’s my body and my appearance, you don’t get a say. Your appearance – and mine, and everyone else’s – is not a democracy and they don’t get a vote.

I know what that liberating feeling is like when you take the buzz clippers to the head. I have been buzzing my hair since 2003 and I can’t imagine getting bogged down with longer hair. I used to go to a salon to get it cut but was never able to get it as short as I wanted it because the hair dresser always made a face or an unwanted opinion about the length and the femininity of it. Now I cut it myself and there is always a happy dance afterwards. And my boyfriend LOVES my short hair almost as much as I do.
It’s stupid how society tries to force down what is “beautiful” or heterosexual “feminine”. I wear what’s comfy to me and don’t give two hoots about what others think of it. I have enough things to concern myself with to not add on their problems.
Keep rockin’ the hair! You are gorgeous!!

You are amazing. And incredibly brave. Beauty and love comes and shines from inside. What you did is an incredible and powerful demonstration of how self-love transforms both the inner and the outer world. It’s incredibly inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing.

For what it’s worth, this stranger thinks you are stunning and admires the courage it takes to shave most of your hair off. I’ve wanted to go red for years and years. I finally did it last fall and it is one of the most delightful hair decisions I’ve ever made.

People are insane.
I love that you did it 🙂 I have wanted to for YEARS and been terrified. I’ve had ppl say you will look like a diesel dyke or a butch dyke or just plain how ugly I will look.
Eventually I stopped giving any fucks and went shorter and shorter (not because I wanted to take it slow but because hair dressers didnt trust what I said I wanted and wouldn’t cut my hair the way I wanted! It’s mainly because I am a fat woman and ppl always say pixie cuts do not suit fat women. They are wrong!).
When I found someone who would give me the cut I wanted, when I looked at myself I almost cried. I felt strong and fierce. Not like I was hiding who I was and had been for years.
I don’t want to shave it any more, but its so short its not far off 🙂 I often wear it in a short mowhawk. I am a 32 year old fat disabled mum and I wear a hawk and I fucking love it 🙂
Glad I came across your post! Best of luck with the rest of your fierce and fearlessness list <3

Reblogged this on Raven Clark's Blog and commented:
This is coming a little late, considering when it was originally posted, but I’ve been insanely busy, and this was the first chance I had to post it. An awesome message from a fantastic writer, addressing a critical issue, far better than I ever could.

I think you look beautiful, though I have no idea how you looked before and I really don’t care. You are lovely. I’m sure you were lovely before. I’m sure you will be no matter what changes you make. You simply shine inside and out. I cannot imagine anyone outside of high school feeling the need to insult anyone else on their appearance in such a manner as you have described, but I find myself continuously surprised by people who are old enough to know better but clearly weren’t taught manners. I read a tidbit today that said that “haters” achieve less than non-haters because they waste so much time and energy obsessing over things to hate. Take that to heart and think about how much more you’ve accomplished than all of those people who wrote you those horrible emails and sent you terrible messages. Think about how much more time you have to spend with your family rather than dwell on petty things. You are definitely brave and beautiful and you deserve respect.

Hi Mercedes, Sorry for waiting so long to respond, I guess I am still astounded and baffled why anyone would care what you do with your hair. How could that possibly offend someone. It’s asinine. It’s just another hairstyle. And I personally love and applaud you New Year’s Resolution of doing things that scare you. More of us should be doing things like that. I’ve actually considered shaving my head, I don’t think I’d look as good as you, but my hair grows too fast. I like to put off getting haircuts as long as possible! I also appreciate you sharing your picture and the backlash you received.

First off let me say your awesome. I’m a complete stranger who came across this from a friend who is a writer. What I like about your story is how you touched on the fact that social media aka internet has given a mask to cowardliness and bigots. There is very little accountability for peoples choices and comments .I work with at risk youth and find that the common belief that hurting others on the internet is ok because of free speech is everyone right. I tell the kids that commenting on internet should be treated like your talking to that person face to face.

at the risk of seeming creepy, I will offer this-today was the second time visiting your congregation and observing you and your son. I considered it a privilege the first time a few weeks back and today I tried to find you after the block to somehow try to communicate this to you… Somehow, not quite sure why or how, I feel strangely drawn to you-I’m fascinated by the obvious complexities of your soul. I love observing world class anything and I feel like when I watch you and your son I am observing world class mothering. I could somehow sense your wisdom, what you have to offer the world. I thought-I wish I could learn from that woman-she is in possession of a different and most valuable perspective. I asked a friend if he knew you, he told me about your writing, I googled and here I am. Fascinated, but not all together surprised of the praise I have read about you and your Fanbase. I am not sure when I will visit Carl ward again but it would be my pleasure to meet you and your son.
Ps. When I saw your head shaved I wondered the reason and thought perhaps it was for the reason you explained. How completely awesome is that. Wow. Congratulations. We all could learn much. World class! No joke

John, this was such a wonderful thing to see this morning. Thank you so much from the bottom of my soul. My kids are something special, and my son especially. He sees things in a different way. He has changed my perspective as to what is really important. He sees the person for the soul, not for anything else. He isn’t fooled. If he doesn’t allow a person in our house, there is a reason for it. If he falls in love with you, there’s a reason for it.
Sundays are exceptionally difficult. Thank you so much for your kindness! I hope you can come back soon and meet Niko. 🙂

I’ll be honest..in MY opinion short hair is not more flattering on a woman than longer hair would be UNLESS their hair is thinning.. I have a pixie cut because I have alopecia and I hate my hair every day enough to shave it but I don’t because my husband would think it was hideous (and it probably would be, but I would also feel empowered getting rid of the stupid crap)
To each their own but a part of my soul is ripped out every time I see a woman with beautiful Normal hair chop it off. I understand why people do it, and it’s none of my business but to me it “does” look dykish (and I’m bisexual lol) there’s a reason why a lot of gay women cut their hair short after all.
Other women will tell women all day “you go girl! It looks great” but that’s because we aren’t men seeing it as sex appeal. Yes, someone may look “ok” or “cute” with a pixie cut but 99% would look better with long hair.