A Doll and the Resistance

I have been sick for the last week and a half, the kind of cold that sneaks up on you as a little tickle for a few days, then you think you’re getting better, then you just get worse and worse! (Really I was only sick-sick for 4 days probably.) But now I am getting better, hurray! My kids might disagree that this is a good thing, because they have watched more TV (internet, we don’t actually have TV…) over the last two days than over the previous month. Srsly.

Anyway. I could have used the couch time to do something productive, like work on my (2008!) photobook, or blog posts, or this doll, this doll that is currently defeating me, but I didn’t, I gave myself a break and watched 2/3 of Fruits Basket on Hulu. Woo! Anyway Anyway Anyway!

So this doll. This doll that I have been working on, since, since, lets look at my photo catalog… For FIVE MONTHS (OMG!) Okay, I didn’t think it was that bad. That’s bad, seriously bad. It isn’t the doll’s fault, there is nothing particularly difficult or complicated about it, it is that I am trying to write a pattern for it, and I am having serious problems with the RESISTANCE. Have you heard of the Resistance? Read this (guest) post on ZenHabits. It is awesome. It explains why we never finish things, and the many ways we sabatoge ourselves so that we won’t be noticed in bad OR good ways. It has become my mantra over the last year, oh, it is the resistance that is trying to distract me with that shiny new idea, it is the resistance that is trying to get me to read another blog rather than doing my work, I will defeat the resistance! But sometimes the resistance wins. More often than I probably realize or would like to admit. It really helps to have a name to call it out by though! But this doll, I am writing about it because I am GOING to finish it. Five months, eesh! When I look at this doll I feel this enormous overwhelming sense of failure, but I am going to get past this! Maybe. After I watch another few episodes of Fruits Basket?

Thanks! I haven’t gotten anything done in the following week… the resistance has some pretty powerful allies right now, mostly, where the heck are we going to Kindergarden next year, and all the attendant dr. appointments and paper work…

Or maybe you set up an expectation that you no longer want to fill? I know The Resistance well, too, and often find myself spending countless hours milling around the web when I should really be sleeping/cleaning/working/reading. Blah blah blah. Don’t be hard on yourself, and perhaps consider letting the doll project go!

Yes, I could let it go. But it isn’t the doll that is the problem. It is the goal of publishing patterns, which for some reason I am always scared of. To say that my work has value that someone should pay for. To give it away for free is easy. To publish something and ask someone to pay for it is often terrifying. I am taking a break from Etsy entirely right now…