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It was my last day at Clinton’s today, having spent the last 3 years convincing myself that I didn’t want to work, that I couldn’t work because of my back, I have shocked myself, because I absolutely loved working again, it was something fresh and new and enjoyable and I am going to miss it. It gave me routine and a reason to get up and out of the house but it also allowed me to be me, and be bubbly and chatty and to have a giggle .

After work I went to my Uncle’s Wake. I didn’t attend the funeral, I haven’t quite decided yet whether that makes me a bad person or not but I know that I am not strong enough for that, and that it would cause me turmoil in the long run. I still wanted to show my respects so I sent some flowers and attended the wake, it was lovely to catch up with family who I haven’t seen for a while. Even if my mum was drunk and my cousin Kim cried and my nan cried too. I can handle most things but seeing my nan cry breaks my heart every time. I have never been to a wake before and whilst I expected the tears I didn’t expect the laughter that came as we talked about my uncles rubbish driving and how journeys with him were like white knuckle terror rides. It stopped as soon as we were all in our cars, most people know I am a spiritualist and I really do feel like it was a sign of him saying goodbye.

I am home now feeling just empty. On an opposite to the emotion I have also been given a job interview at Sainsbury’s in the new year, i didn’t answer the call but the guy left a voicemail, I suppose that’s a positive. .