Predicting The Winner Of The World Cup, Based On Each Country’s National Animal

As the World Cup draws near, predictions of who will win it all are in full effect. Mostly, these predictions are based on the skills of each country’s players, their history, injury reports, etc. But what if instead of human players, each country had to enter its national animal as its champion in a fight to the death?

Here is what the outcome would probably look like.

2. GROUP MATCHES

3. Group A: Brazil, Croatia, Mexico, Cameroon

Cameroon is immediately eliminated because it doesn’t have a national animal, leaving the other three to slug it out. Although cute, the marten from Croatia is no match for Brazil’s jaguar and Mexico’s golden eagle.

7. Group E: France, Ecuador, Switzerland, Honduras

Honduras’ white-tailed deer is no match for the mighty wing span of Ecuador’s Andean condor, and is thusly forced off a cliff to its demise. And poor Switzerland’s cow is slowly pecked to death by France’s gallic rooster. Sacré bleu!

Winner: Ecuador
Runner Up: France

8. Group F: Iran, Argentina, Nigeria, Bosnia and Herzegovina

Like Cameroon, Bosnia and Herzegovina is disqualified for not having a national animal. This is bad news for Iran’s Persian cat, since Nigeria’s eagle is allergic and decides to take no mercy on the furry feline. This is good news for Argentina’s rufous hornero, who gets a free ticket into the next round.

Winner: Nigeria
Runner Up: Argentina

9. Group G: Ghana, USA, Portugal, Germany

Holy crap! It’s the battle of the eagles! And one rooster! Germany’s golden eagle faces off against Ghana’s eagle, ultimately destroying it since, like The Highlander, there can only be one. At the same time, Portugal’s Barcelos cock plays dirty and convinces the United States’ bald eagle to stay up late partying, leaving it hungover and vulnerable. Needless to say, the cock triumphs.

14. Group C winner vs. Group D runner up

It was easy for the Ivory Coast’s African elephant to defeat Greece’s dolphin, but it is an entirely different story when faced with an actual opponent like England’s lion. In the end, the lion emerges victorious with a stomach full of elephant meat.

21. Brazil vs. England

22. Argentina vs. S. Korea

South Korea’s tiger swallows Argentina’s rufous hornero whole and alive, just like it did the fennec fox. However, it should have chewed and is surprised when the feisty bird pecks its way out of the tiger’s throat. The tiger dies gasping for air.

Winner: Argentina

23. Spain vs. Italy

Wow. What a fight. Spain’s bull almost looks to be on its last legs after being attacked nonstop by Italy’s wolf. However, the bull, with one final charge, flings the wolf into air, sending its lifeless body crashing to the ground below.

27. Spain vs. Russia

28. FINALS

29. Brazil vs. Spain

Lord almighty, this was a match for the ages. Legs were broken and blood was let as the crowd watched on in abject horror. During stoppage time, Spain’s bull, barely breathing, lunged at Brazil’s fatigued jaguar one last time.

What the once-feared bull didn’t realize, though, was that the jaguar was feigning being tired, and with one lightning quick swipe it tore the heart from the bull’s body. “Not in my house,” said the jaguar, before proceeding to eat the heart in front of the cheering stadium.