Yet again, it appears that groundbreaking (too soon), earth-shattering (…nope, still too soon) events have surfaced to drag us away our daily routine of downing toaster strudels and playing Alana Lee on loop.

The problem is, how do you know what is truly worthy of your attention? How can you distinguish between important (Deepwater Horizon) and Somali Pirates (entertaining, but trivial)? Well, left to your own devices, you’d get caught up following a bunch of non-stories. Fear not – for the noble and graceful hands of Hamsterdam are here to guide you, and beat the shit out of hands competitors like Allstate and Hamburger Helper.

Hamsterdam promises not to lead you in circles, unlike THIS guy.

And just where will we take you? Well it just so happens that current events have gathered at a reasonably priced hotel banquet hall in hopes of connecting – with you! Surprise! I signed you up for Current Events Speed Dating. No, it won’t get awkward! You spend like 5 minutes with them, tops, and you’ll realize who really stands out as important. You’re bound to like at least one of them. If things don’t go well, we can always hit up the Twitty Bar afterward for something quick and dirty. So, get out there and make a good impression.

Date #1: Japanese Crises

Fans of the University of Pittsburgh file out of the Verizon Center after a loss to Butler.

Wow, you say to yourself as you squeeze into the chair at Table #24. The first current event you meet has it all – an earthquake, tsunami, AND nuclear crisis. Even the smaller things attract plenty of attention – including a massive need for humanitarian aid and a plunging economy. “Keeper” is your first thought. But wait a second. Japan seems to have it all…so that begs the question, what is it doing speed dating? A small caution flag, but maybe it’s been through so many tough times, it’s just looking for a nice guy. It’s at least worth a chance.

Date #2: Yemeni Protests

Pearl Jam's "Alive" video has officially made its rounds in Yemen.

After spending a few minutes with the knockout from Japan, you make your way over to Table #11 with a somewhat mediocre-looking current event. Yemen? Really? You can’t believe you let Hamsterdam drag you out here. But as you start to converse, you realize that Yemen is actually quite interesting. Not the most eye-catching current event, but strangely fascinating. Regional significance, protests, and military coups? It could add up. You didn’t come here looking for Yemen, but now you’re glad you got to know it a little better. I’d hold on to those digits if I were you.

Date #3: Claire McCaskill troubles

A reasonable photo for a reasonable situation.

Sitting down at Table #14, you’re starting to wonder if each event is going to continue to be exponentially less enticing. Well, yes. For those of us that don’t follow politics, Claire is a senator from Missouri and has run into some financial problems. Yea, well what politician hasn’t? She’s putting you to sleep with this long story, but then she drops the other shoe: she owes $287,000 in back taxes. On a plane, nonetheless. Well slap me sideways, Holy Ghost! That’s pretty damn baller. She may not be relationship material, but your head is now swimming with thoughts of short-term cable news outrage. You try to wrap up the rest of the conversation and keep your eyes on her face. But damn, she knows how to lead you on, doesn’t she?

Date #4: Rebecca Black is so excited

Another speed date comes afterwards.

Arriving at Table #6, your jaw drops. It’s Claire McCaskill on steroids, or at least Fruit Stripe bubblegum. You had no idea who she was 8 days ago, you won’t remember her in another two weeks, and yet at this point you could sing Friday in four-part harmony with three random strangers off the street. If you’re looking for something serious, please, just get up from the table and walk away slowly. Otherwise, you’re in for a bender that’ll make Charlie Sheen blush. You’d better keep it platonic though, you perv.

Date #5: Knut dies

"Mom, where does Knutella come from?"

Obituaries aren’t news for very long, unless you’re a glutton for attention like Barbaro. Let’s be frank: Knut will disappear from the collective consciousness in about 6 hours. But staring across from you at table #20 is a big ol’ teddy bear of a polar bear, ready to rip your current event face off and slowly gorge itself on your bloated, news-hungry carcass. Knut is the definition of cute, but you know that there’s no chance this will work out for either of you. Sometimes it’s just better to smile and bid adieu, before things go oh so very wrong.

Look at the smile on your face! Any luck? Looks like some big potential out there for current events romance. Way to go out there and really put yourself on the market, my friend. Who knows, maybe one of these babes will be calling you up in a few days!

Just be patient. Remember, it’s news because it’s important. Let the news come to you.