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Author
Topic: I Infected My Boyfriend (Read 13760 times)

I found out several days ago I'm positive. Obviously I've been going through a number of emotions.

I've been seeing the same guy for several months. I was upfront about my unknown status and my sexual behaviors. We knew the risks, and yet we engaged in unprotected sex together.

He just got the news that he is positive as well. I know I infected him. He knows this.

We had discussed this already. He appreciates that I was honest. He knows he took a risk just as much as I did. He doesn't blame me. We love each other, and we've told each other we've got each other's backs.

I believe him when he says he doesn't blame me. But I fear he may one day resent me, especially if/when he gets sick. I also can't forgive myself right now. I feel as if I have blood on my hands, as if I have cut his life short.

How can I learn to forgive myself? How can I learn to love my boyfriend without hating myself? Am I the only one who this has happened to? Because I can't find anyone else in my situation.

many of us have been exposed to complicated situations since or before diagnosed.... not always things are white or black, usually there are too many grays... and it all becomes a mess.

You cannot see future and won't know if he will ever resent you... so you better don't worry about it until it happens (if it happens). I hope it won't, but one thing you have to learn from the beginning of a diagnosis like this is to accept your mistakes and move on... that's life. We can't change the past, although we all wish to do it. So what you can really do is to make the best with the future you will share together.

Pardonning is a lesson of learning by doing.... it takes time to learn it, but once you start exercising on it... it will change your life for better. I started pardonning myself before i could pardon others... pardon and love makes our lives easier.

Walk slowly in this new path, take your time and receive every new day one by one leaving the past behind.

Yes, how do you know you infected him?If he had unsafe sex with you, knowing you did not know your status, he was capable of playing loose with others as well.Not enough information is given in your post to confirm that you infected him, and therefore the possibility that he might someday resent it.Why not clear this up with him, and let us know something more specific. It's a little muddy on all this blame and who did what, issue.

Sorry for your conversion! Welcome to the forum.

Logged

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

You're probably wondering why I moved your thread out of the Someone I Care About forum. That forum is for hiv negative people who are the friends, lovers or family of hiv positive people. As hiv negative people aren't really supposed to post in the forums designed for positive people, we gave them their own section.

I totally agree with a2z - be careful before you blame yourself. Even if he was confirmed as negative when you two were first together, as you yourself said, you did talk about the risks and made a joint decision to go bareback. You both have responsibility. Hiv is hard enough to deal with in the early days without beating yourself up into the bargain.

It's great that you two love each other and want to be there for each other. Being in a poz/poz relationship does have its benefits - I know, I'm in one myself. He's the person from whom I acquired my own virus and I never blamed him either. I never say "he infected me", I deliberately say (the admittedly wordy) "the person from whom I acquired my virus". I take my share of the responsibility. He didn't know his hiv status at the time and I never insisted on condoms - even though I knew his ... er... rather rich, to put it mildly - sexual history. It's a two way street and I've never, ever held one shred of resentment over it. Just letting you know so as to dispel any doubts you may have. It IS totally possible to feel this way - and I guess maybe even more so when it's someone you love.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Dear Funnyguy,I already answered your question above, but i know it is important that your partner is and has acknowledged your position and how you feel and i understand your being sensitive to his needs and also the desire not wanting to give it to anyone else. I feel the same as you and i fell bad that your partner got it from you as i know i would be upset too. As has already been said you cannot go back and change it and you both knew going into the sexual relationship without protection the risks of doing so and of course the results are as they stand and cannot be undone. All you can do is accept what is and move on with your lives together and it is unlikely he will blame or hate you as a result of what has happened and you both will grow together with what you have shared already in your life. I hope that you guys remain together and that things continue to go well for you both. I know this is a tough time for you both and you guys need to be positive for each other and to help each other with taking care of your HIV and any related health issues.

No need to blame yourself and of course if you ever have sexual relations with anyone else, you will make the aware up front of your status so that they can make an informed decision.

I tell guys that if you are negative you need to assume that everyone you potentially have sex with is positive and if you are positive you need to assume that everyone is negative and it works out best if everyone is taking care of their position with respect to the sexual relations.

randy

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Respectfully,randy

Today is the best day for the rest of your life.HIV is a change in your life, deal with each day.If you are lucky enough to have a friend keep them, be a friend in return.

i completely agree with ann and juan carlos on this one. take it day by day. your partner agreed to have sex with you without using a condom. you were honest and upfront with him from the get go. i admire that and think it is noble and noteworthy.

you will have to deal with the guilt. over time this may become less of a burden. if it does not you might have to seek counseling or therapy from your local aso. life can be shitty enough without us having something additional to beat ourselves up over.

you sound like a decent guy and i hope this works out for you and your partner. understand, you have not cut his life short. most poz people are expected to live long lives these days. how can you learn to forgive yourself...practice. a lot of it. allowing yourself to make mistakes. understanding that this is a virus and that viruses happen. it is not an indication of who you are. rather this is something that happened to you and you have a choice of how to deal with it (your life as a pozzie).

also know that this too will take time. a lot of time. it will not happen over night. give yourself time and live each day one day at a time. hang in there buddy and keep us posted.

2) he doesn't resent you now so if he later comes to resent you why don't you wait and deal with that situation when it happens?

Frankly this is all a lot of "iffy" stuff to be getting bent out of shape about. You were completely honest and upfront about everything, so really it seems to me that you're inventing things to cause you unnecessary worry and anxiety. You have enough to deal with right now with your diagnosis. Keep things simple.

Take it one day at a time. Don't worry about the hypotheticals, the "what ifs." This is all so true. I'm learning to do this. My brain naturally wants to solve everything, as if it is a puzzle. It wants to sniff out all potential problems that may occur and take preventative measures to see they don't happen. But you know what, if this is going to teach me anything, it's that you can't prepare for everything. You just have to take some things in life as they come. So I'm going to try to stop thinking about the "what ifs" and focus on the now, which is that I am in a relationship, we love one another and we are both POZ.

A few more points:

I am nearly 100% sure my boyfriend acquired HIV from me (thank you Ann for offering up this phrasing as it is much better than the active tensed "infected"). Given my sexual history and his sexual history, it's the likely story.

Now a heartwarming story that gives me hope for the future:

I'm a writer and a performer. There's a ritual us performers do before we hit the stage as an ensemble. Everyone stands behind the curtain anticipating the adrenaline rush that will hit as we make our appearance before the audience. We all place our hands on each others back and say, "I got your back."

The other night my boyfriend and I were sitting on my couch talking about us and our statuses. I told him about the aforementioned ritual. Then I placed my hand on his back and said, "I got your back."

Whether he and I stay together for the rest of our lives or not, we will be connected forever. And there is some comfort in that, knowing that I have someone's back and someone has mine.

Funnyguy, you're getting there. You're getting the right attitude. Hiv sucks but it's not the end of the world. "What ifs" don't matter, it's the here and now that matters. FFS, you could get hit by a massive truck tomorrow when simply going about your business. The only moment that really matters is the one you're experiencing NOW. Make the best of it. That's all ANY of us can do, poz or neg.

I like your story about "got your back". That's what this website is all about - we've got each other's backs.

And I'm glad I could give you a different perspective about "acquiring" things.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I found out several days ago I'm positive. Obviously I've been going through a number of emotions.

I've been seeing the same guy for several months. I was upfront about my unknown status and my sexual behaviors. We knew the risks, and yet we engaged in unprotected sex together.

He just got the news that he is positive as well. I know I infected him. He knows this.

We had discussed this already. He appreciates that I was honest. He knows he took a risk just as much as I did. He doesn't blame me. We love each other, and we've told each other we've got each other's backs.

I believe him when he says he doesn't blame me. But I fear he may one day resent me, especially if/when he gets sick. I also can't forgive myself right now. I feel as if I have blood on my hands, as if I have cut his life short.

How can I learn to forgive myself? How can I learn to love my boyfriend without hating myself? Am I the only one who this has happened to? Because I can't find anyone else in my situation.

Sorry about your diagnosis. You are not the only one this happened to. My bf and I both tested negative when we met a little over 3 years ago. Then we engaged in unprotected sex together after that. I played with others too, and I thought I was safe with them, but obviously not safe enough. He said he was monogamous with me. 6 months after we met, I tested positive during my annual physical. It was a big surprise to me. I asked my bf to be tested, and he came back positive too. I don't think my guilt will ever go away. Especially since I have turned out to be an HIV controller, and my bf on the other hand is a fast progressor. I am not on treatment for HIV, and may never need to be, but he has been on HAART for a little over 2 years already.My bf never blamed me explicitly for his infection, but obviously he must sometimes. There is a lot left unsaid.When it comes to HIV, I have tried to do everything I could to make up for it. I put him on my medical insurance as soon as I could. I got him a good HIV doctor. I go to the doctor visits with him. I take care of his meds. I fill up his pillboxes and remind him to take the meds.

I want to end this on a positive message. Even with the double bad news, we have still made it over 3 years together so far. And I hope we will make it much longer. So, there is hope.

My bf never blamed me explicitly for his infection, but obviously he must sometimes. There is a lot left unsaid.When it comes to HIV, I have tried to do everything I could to make up for it. I put him on my medical insurance as soon as I could. I got him a good HIV doctor. I go to the doctor visits with him. I take care of his meds. I fill up his pillboxes and remind him to take the meds.

Why don't you ask him to discuss that blame issue and bury it or compartmentalise it permanently? Is unsaid better?

I seem to remember your BF has depression issues so its sweet you are supporting him with the hand-holding as to managing his HIV. But there is something icky about it too, no - like he depends on you as a sort of blaming?? Seems possible.

Maybe "making up" should be a short term thing - not a years long sentence, repetence. And couldn't it be in a totally different area of relationship? Kind of like baking cookies or a pie, but on a bigger scale, and then its done with?

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Why don't you ask him to discuss that blame issue and bury it or compartmentalise it permanently? Is unsaid better?

No, unsaid is definitely not better. My bf is a very quiet, shy person. There are certain talks that are really hard to have with him. It's not that I haven't tried.

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I seem to remember your BF has depression issues so its sweet you are supporting him with the hand-holding as to managing his HIV. But there is something icky about it too, no - like he depends on you as a sort of blaming?? Seems possible.

Well, I don't know about that. I have been in codependent relationships before. But I don't see that in this one. My bf has other personal issues, like being closeted, that are hard to overcome.

Cool.I was responding to you but also didnt want to hijack away from the the original poster.I dunno. Everytime I read this thread title, "I Infected My Boyfriend", my heart sinks. What a dire sentiment. I see it as a realistic appraisal, but I can't imagine the hell of living in such a feeling. Since feelings are somewhat subjective, I hope there is a way to redefine the situation.

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Everytime I read this thread title, "I Infected My Boyfriend", my heart sinks. What a dire sentiment. I see it as a realistic appraisal, but I can't imagine the hell of living in such a feeling. Since feelings are somewhat subjective, I hope there is a way to redefine the situation.

I wanted to respond to this (the OP). Since I originally created this thread, my boyfriend and I have done a lot of talking (and I have done a lot of reading on these boards). All of your advice has been invaluable.

A couple days ago boyfriend and I had a good cry together. He fell into my arms and just started sobbing. I couldn't help myself. I began crying too. I can't say specifically what he was crying for. I'm not him. I can speak for me. I was crying because I was scared for him and for me. I was crying because I felt guilty and because I felt sorry for him. But I was also crying so that we could cry together and feel close. And I like to think he was crying, in part, for the same reason. Because we're both going through this now, and we both have some sad tales to tell (from my perspective my boyfriend acquiring it from me and from his, him acquiring it from his boyfriend). These aren't easy things to deal with. And so by sharing in that pain together, we feel stronger.

I don't hate myself. And I'm sure there will be some difficult emotions that arise if and when he progresses or falls ill. But we are going through this together, and we will not let it rule our lives. If I can make him laugh at least once a day, I feel like I'm doing my part.

So don't let your heart sink when you read this. Know that although I was in a dark place and at times I may return there, I am happy.

My experience was very similar to yours. When I told my friend of my test result, it forced our feelings out in the open, which worked out well in our case. Then when he tested positive a week later, it was harder on me than my own result was.

It's quite likely he got it from me, but not certain. He won't let me take the blame because we both were honest with each other (just not with ourselves). I had never been tested (and he didn't ask anyway) and he wanted to bareback (and I let him). The funny thing is that I thought I was negative and the one at risk. He knows how I feel about my role and prefers to not dwell on it, so I don't bring it up. Now we are a dedicated two-man support group. Going on two years later we are doing well. I'm on meds and he's not, yet.

I hope you and your friend do well personally and medically. It sounds like you will. Post an update every now and then.

Sorry to hear about your recent news.I would like to offer my opposite point of view if I may.

A few years ago my wife tested positive. We had just been married a few months.Later when I was tested I am negative. I love her dearly & told her from day 1 that we will get through this all just fine. She has been on Atripla & doing fine for over a year now.It is time for me to get tested again &I worry about it.I tell you truly I do not worry for myself. If I am positive so be it but I worry so much for her.I know if I am positive she will feel as you do. So I have been putting it off. I know...I know...I will go soon.

But what I want to say to you is this.....Do not feel bad or guilty your bf & I have made our choicesbased on love. The only thing I do not want out of a test is for her to feel in any way bad or responsible.She is the best person I have ever been with & I have been married before. I am amazed daily when I wake & see her next to me that it took so long to find my wife.

So I just wanted to tell you what I bet your bf tells you all the time. Perhaps coming from a stranger you will believe it now.

It is interesting how different people are. I have come to see HIV as this virus that has the upside of teaching me by mental anguish to live more in the present. Because of my nature, I become emotional and then investigative about many things and that works well in my professional life but not so well in my personal/spiritual life. I go through periods of old feelings about blame which I have to catch and remind myself to be present. I have to bring each strong emotion to mind and research why I am feeling that way. It usually has nothing to do with HIV or whatever situation is at hand. Its old shit from the past that my body is throwing out as a response looking for relief. If I work through it, it lessens in intensity but stays as a reminder to be present to the situation. HIV for me is really turning over a lot of my old stuff and bringing it to my attention. My therapist and I are having a good ol time working through each emotion.

When I do that I can appreciate the blame, the HIV and my new life and my neg partner (a natural zen master who never worries or blames). I appreciate my complicated feelings that tell me to blame, regret or worry as a rich area in my life where I am trying to work out old wounds. As I work through some old issues, I find that these feelings still come up for me day to day but without a lot of sting anymore because I see the lessons that they teach me and I let them pass. I think some people are just wired that way. Its not a bad thing to have the feelings. In fact, for me the feelings end up being cell memory reactions to past traumas that have nothing to do with HIV. They are just old feelings (for me) that I never resolved in the past. HIV sort of forced the issue with me to work really hard on resolving a few of them and moving on. Now if I get a strong feeling, I wonder where it really originates from and why it wants me to work on it before I move on with my life. It is neither good or bad that you have these feelings. It is an opportunity to work through something and see what it means for you. Maybe nothing as a lot of people report or maybe a whole slew of things.

I think our lives are these personalized courses we have been assigned with some unbelievably unfair lessons to learn and some beautifully fortunate lessons thrown in for good measure. Whatever assigns these tasks is not handing them out based on anyone's merit but more as different opportunities to work on stuff.

So why do you blame yourself before you know every possible way HIV could have crept in? What is making you ruminate over this so long. Is it just the HIV or is there more to this lesson? That is how I try to cope with my own feelings of blame.

I was in fected about a year ago by my boyfriend of 5.5yrs and he never told me. I have now moved on and meet someone that I truly care about alot but have a small problem I told him from day one my stats and he was ok with it. But the thing is he still wants to be with me unprotected. What should i do about this, I love himand dont want to lose wat we have but da same time i dont want to infect him with this> what should I do?

1) your question - you should have safe sex with your boyfriend. At least until you have been on HAART and undetectable viral load for many months - steady proven undetectable. Then you can go together discuss this idea of unprotected sex with a HIV specialist or social worker. They will advise you against it, but explain that at that point, you may very well be non infectious.

Explain to your bf that you love him and cannot put him at risk for HIV. Ask him why he want unprotected sex and discuss that with him. Ask him why he would risk HIV and discuss that with him. Just don't do it.

2) You are new to the forums so you should probably ask such a question in your own thread. Adding questions like this to an older thread - you might not get all the advice you need.

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

It's been nearly a year since I wrote this thread. I wanted to give everyone an update and possibly provide comfort for those that are in a similar situation as myself.

As I posted originally, my boyfriend acquired HIV from me. I was unsure of my status but upfront about my uncertainty and sex life. We made the mutual decision to have unprotected sex. I tested positive within two months of our relationship as did he.

I wondered how I could live with myself let alone how he could ever love me free of resentment. I was an emotional wreck and definitely had thoughts of suicide.

Life hasn't been easy, but it's a lot better. My boyfriend and I are still together and going strong. We love each other very much, and we take care of and support one another. He's starting meds soon, and I'm definitely going to be there to see to it that he remains healthy. I donate regularly to my local ASO, which makes me feel like I'm helping others with HIV stay healthy and others stay HIV free.

I still get down sometimes, and HIV still feels like this weight on my shoulders. But I've learned I can live life and be happy despite the illness. And I can be loved and love as can my boyfriend. We talk of the future often and hope to have a long and loving life together.