Could we have a straight/bi relationship?

Three years ago I met an amazing girl who is my age. We get on so well, really enjoy each others company, and share all the same aspirations, and drea...

29/11/2006

Question

Three years ago I met an amazing girl who is my age. We get on so well, really enjoy each others company, and share all the same aspirations and dreams of the life we want to live.

Over the three years there has been no physical contact, mainly because I have been the one to shy away from this.

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This is because I am bisexual and sometimes have physical feelings for men. No-one knows about this aspect of my life, and although I would love to settle down with this girl, get married and have kids, I am afraid that it would devastate her later on - especially if I were unable to live up to the physical aspect of a relationship.

I really do not know what to do - I want to be with her but is it fair? Should I tell her and give her the choice, or should I back away now?

Is it common to be in a straight/bi relationship and can they be successful?

Answer

David writes:

Well, you are a secret 'bi' - and as you rightly imply, this is not a good basis for getting married and having children.

Such relationships can sometimes succeed – but often fail.

I'm certainly not saying that your current situation with this lady is hopeless, but it's vital that you don't rush things. My feeling is that you should give it another year, and see how it develops.

Please don't get married, and don't conceive any kids ...

Christine adds:

I have to tell you that I think it would be unfair for you to keep this secret from your girlfriend long term. I wonder if she already has some suspicions as it is quite unusual for a 29-year-old man to go out with a woman for three years and never get physically close. In fact, I cannot help wondering if you are more gay than bi - as you seem to be quite anxious about having a physical relationship with her, or 'living up' to it if you instigate it.

Of course it may be that your relationship is so rich and wonderful in so many ways that it can last despite the problem of you also fancying men. But if your girlfriend is thinking of making a long-term commitment to you, and thinking about having babies and so on, (and at 29, she probably is), I believe she deserves to know the truth of what she's getting into.

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My best suggestion is that you take advice from people who, unlike us, have actually been in this situation. You could ring the London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard for some more help on 020 7837 7324 or contact them through their website: www.queery.org.uk. You might also get some helpful advice from Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays. They would obviously see the situation more from your girlfriend's point of view and could give you that perspective.

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