Wednesday, July 31, 2013

The problem with being invited to a family wedding is they
want you to bring your children. Or worst yet, have your children participate
in the wedding. Chances are you will have the toddler who is engaging in
rampantly socially unacceptable behavior that requires the arm strength of an
NLF wide receiver to contain as the toddler in question is the size of a
linebacker. You only think I exaggerate.

Furthermore, if you are at a family wedding, family members
will steal your little well behaved infant. Which leaves you toddler-less and
infant-less and forced to focus solely on the ceremony. Now this doesn’t seem like
bad a scenario, and it isn’t, provided it isn’t your daughter serving as the flower
girl and it’s an outdoor wedding and it’s pushing 100 degrees.

Baby doesn’t suffer much well, and heat is no exception. She
was thrilled to death to be included in the wedding and her cousin certainly
made her feel special and very much included. Baby’s first job required her to
escort the ring bearer down the aisle. He was two and very uncertain. This is
where Baby shines. But then it came time
to stand still and observe the ceremony. That’s where Baby’s talent ended. She shuffled,
squirmed and looked generally unimpressed with the heat and lack of water
features. We repeatedly made eye contact and I knew I was radiating
disapproval. I even mouthed “Be still” “pay attention”, she would comply for
fifteen seconds or so and then realize that she was standing next to a tree and
investigate it instead. She counted the remaining petals in her basket. She attempted
to remove her wreath, due to sweat issues but only ended up with her hair
tangled. She played with the maid of honor’s dress. The clincher came as she was balancing on the
edge around the tree and feel down. During the final prayer. I would have been embarrassed if I hadn’t
been on my way to confirm that X-Man wasn’t actually being eaten alive by hyenas.

There’s a fine line between sweet and not sweet. Baby walks
that line. She lives on the line. But she’s yet to actually cross it. I suppose
she’s saving that for her teenage years.