OMG...i just met this guy at a club. he was the hottest one in the club in my opinion. bosnian, 45, great body, strong, the kind of guy who can handle me. so he's kissing me and all, and that's fine, only i'm afraid i'll get some disease cuz i've never met this guy before and it's at the baths, but he's into me since the day i get in there...it's funny the ones i like are always the ones who are hanging out by the lockers and eating me up right when i get there...after going through the place i always return to the original guy (i'v'e only done this twice)...so he wants to fuck me and i'm insisting on a condom and it's in this little stall and i get claustrophobic, so i leave. i do this about three times in different situations, leaving him and then i give him my number.

blah blah we end up fucking in his car on the side of some road in the berkeley hills after espresso, which was too strong at the time for me. now i'm nauseous...he's forty5, he's in the same profession as my dad... the one who initually "abused" me in the beginning when i was younger...so now i'm all "triggered" and need to go into therapy...i'm on some great antidepressants which are helping me...i can't afford therapy because i just relocated and the kind of therapy i want/need (or whatever) is pretty expensive for someone who's temping while they find a real job. So i have a health insurance gap. I'm just kind of freaking out because now i'm all"triggered" and nauseous the fact that he is in the same profession as my dad...if he hadn't said that everyone would have been FINE. this is really ironic. my little plan is to have sex with him but not lead him on...(haha)...because he's so hot as a body/character...it's just his profession...the mental part that is SO not good. he lives in berkeley where i want to be anyhow...anyways...i met this otehr guy online who is hotter and my age and confused and all the things that annoy me about poeple my age...i think i need to continue on with therapy and maybe have sex with people on the side...but the younger guy is cute and hopefully i can take him skydiving this weekend...something that i've always wanted to do...i just feel sick so i thought i could just post here to let it out...thanks...i want someone my age who does NOT remind of my father...yeah? yeah...

With or without therapy you must work on yourself. Progress is ongoing process.

On your place I would firstly try to clear up mess in your mind; then I would try to clarify couple of questions like: do I want real relationships? Do I know how to love other people? Do I know how to love myself?

The problem I see here is that there's a big difference between casual sex, which you seem to be describing here, and acting out old abuse issues, which you COULD be doing here. If it's the latter you could cause yourself a lot of harm, quite apart from the health issues.

If you are into opportunistic sex and your partner isn't misled, then fine. But if you are acting out, the message to yourself could be that this is all you deserve, or all you will ever get, but at least you are in control now. Many survivors travel this road, but it's based on a lot of false lessons learned during abuse as a child.

Much love,Larry

_________________________Nobody living can ever stop meAs I go walking my freedom highway.Nobody living can make me turn back:This land was made for you and me.(Woody Guthrie)

For me i feel like i have to have fun dangerously because that is all i am up to, that no one would ever like me and i'm pretty much alone...i'm yhankful for the reflection that you guys have given me as i just casually came back to this to see if anyone had replied...i'm a loner and used to living in the cracks...i actually don't know how to do anything else? but i do, i live my life but alone. i will get tested and have to get back into therapy...i really like this guy, but i am afraid because he was asking if i had a brother which seemed a little weird...he said he thought i looked younger than i am when asking my age...that he's not a paedophile...(what kind of information does this give me?)...but i really like him, it was the nicest sex i've had...i actually don't know what to do ...i gave him my number, and have been waiting for him to call until your postings reminded me of everything that i was thinking on the way home...during the thing i was afraid he would drive off and leave me there or cut me or something, but he was nice...i genuinely think he's nice and he probably is...i'm probably making too much of this...it's just sex is my look at it...i am listening to self-esteem things as i go to sleep and the rest because not sure what else to do...i don't have a solid job...it's safe for me to put these things online and i see that i am putting expectation into this letter...it's like i lead two lives? i am being an alarmist but it seems right?

he is really attractive to me in ways...no one fucks me right and he did in his way...i really want more of it and don't know which way is up...i'm thinking of just not answering his calls...discipline...it feels like i'm separating myself from love though...no one loves me!!! really! and he seemed like he liked me! i just really like him but feel it's wrong as well. i hope i don't have any diseases! wish me luck please!! i am scared because he ran out of condoms and after i told him many times i only wanted condoms he ended up fucking me without one...please wish me luck. he said he was clean, but he visits baths...i think i've made a mistake going there...but i don't know how to make a connection to anyone, and therapy before only made me sicker...but they say you have to get sicker before you get better? easier said than done...i can barely do what i'm doing now...so i end up just saying all this therapy will ruin my life...i don't know which is up really? grrrrrrrrrr!

It sounds like you are saying that you take risks because if anything goes wrong it's okay. The loss would be at your expense and to your harm, and you don't matter.

The same when you say "it's just sex". The implication is that real commitment and genuine sexual fulfillment are beyond your reach, so at least let's have a good fuck. But it isn't really good is it, when "during the thing I was afraid he would drive off and leave me there or cut me or something"?

I don't mean to sound harsh. But I hope you can see this is all classic "acting out" of your fears and anxieties about yourself arising from abuse. It's important to know this, because then you can make an informed decision about what to do next.

That is, you aren't stuck with this. You can do a lot better and live your life in a lot more joy and satisfaction - including sexually - if you wish to do so. But there's the grab: "IF you wish to do so". When we are spinning our wheels in acting out - whether its sex, porn, alcohol, drugs or whatever - the only person who can break us out is ourselves. We have to make our own decisions and then follow through on them.

When I was a student and more or less lost in alcohol and drugs, a teacher of mine told me I had to decide: do I want to live my life or lose it? Back then I thought he meant "lose it" in the literal sense, drinking myself to death or ODing. But he meant more, I think. A life thrown away on ephemeral thrills is also a life lost.

Much love,Larry

_________________________Nobody living can ever stop meAs I go walking my freedom highway.Nobody living can make me turn back:This land was made for you and me.(Woody Guthrie)

I
agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and
chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole
discretion of MaleSurvivor. I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor
resources are AT-WILL,
and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for
any reason by MaleSurvivor.