Sunday, July 13, 2008

An evil sorcerer (or awesome sorcerer depending on how you look at it) has just turned Barack Obama and John McCain into 20 year-olds and sent them to a local college to pick up as many women as possible. The winner is destined to become president. The loser is destined to become Gary Hart.

I’ll break the scouting report for each candidate down to the various types of women a man meets on a college campus:

Party Girl: You know the type. She can throw back Jäger shots with the best of em and everyone has managed to at least get a little action from her. Obama will probably use his charm with her, not realizing that all you have to do is just point her to a bed, counter-top or any other flat surface. This looks like a girl who would love to ride the Straight Talk Express.

High Maintenance: This is the type of girl who wouldn’t be caught dead without her Louis Vuitton purse. She thinks that needy people are those who do not have an American Express Red card. Obama has seen this type before. He went to Columbia and then Harvard Law. He did extremely well among San Francisco voters. A girl like this requires a man with plenty of composure. There’s nothing more challenging than trying to maintain your composure when one of these girls says something like “So, where do you summer?” Barack has managed to stay on his feet while being tested by not one, but two Clintons- he would know exactly what to say.

John McCain attended the Naval Academy, which would hint toward him not being able to speak to any woman with a full set of teeth. However, he is married to a woman who comes from money, and so far, it has worked out all right for him.

Advantage: EVEN

Psychotic: I don’t need to explain this one. We’ve all met her, and we have all taken out restraining orders against her. These women aren’t very difficult to pick up. So, we’ll decide this one based on who the psychotic woman would love more. John McCain has done many crazy things in life. He has jumped out of airplanes, withheld secrets while being tortured, considered switching party lines, but admitting to not know anything about the economy and telling people Bush is a fine president...well that is just a new kind of crazy.

Lets see what you got Obama: you turned down a 200k job in the non-profit sector so you could pursue your aspirations. Eh, that’s not enough.

Advantage: McCain

Ms. Boring: John McCain has hosted SNL as well as a variety of other shows that keep him relevant within the pop culture zeitgeist. He has also somewhat managed to squeeze all the fun out of each show he has been on with every awkward grin and grimace.

Obama has danced awkwardly on Ellen, showing that men will not only disgrace themselves for heterosexual women, but for floral patterned daytime lesbians as well. Ms. Boring wants to be the more interesting one in the relationship. Only one man can give her that.

Advantage: McCain

Nympho: The nympho is only going to grade men on one criterion: stamina. She doesn’t care about what you look like, what you sound like or what you smell like...well, maybe she cares a little about that last one. McCain gallantly went through the rigors of military training and excelled in athletics as well as academics. However, this is all irrelevant considering the fact that he is 71!

Obama on the other hand, plays full-court basketball and doesn't have to worry about his hand crumbling into ashes with every energetic "terrorist fist pump." He’s built strong to last long.

Advantage: Obama

Religious: All we have to do to figure out this one is check with our good friends at Beliefnet to see who has the higher God-o-Meter ratings. So far Obama, is a nine, while McCain is currently an"undefined," but we'll give him the six he was previously ranked at.

Advantage: Obama

Campus Hottie: Every guy wants her, but in the end, only one can get her. Obama’s effortless charm and movie star good looks have attracted a following that is not only fairly intelligent, but also good-looking. Let’s just say that when you have Scarlett Johansson lip-synching your speeches, you must be doing something right.

In the end of this dead end lock, the sorcerer decides that neither man has to become Gary Hart.

As for who will be the president, that is for you to decide. Remember, you can’t bitch if you don’t vote. (Editor's Note: The closest thing to a public service announcement made to you by the Brown Cary Grant)