The phone rings, and when I answer it I hear my father’s gloomy voice on the other end.

“Feather,” he says. “This is your dad.”

“Hey, Dad.” I say. “How are you?”

“I’m okay. Listen, I need to talk to you. Do you have a second?”

I’ve been lying horizontally on the couch, but when I hear him say “need” I sit upright. He doesn’t ever call me and use this tone of voice, one of worry and uncertainty. Usually when he calls he’s beaming at having just saved 40 cents on a loaf of bread, did you know that at his rate he could save $20.80 over the course of the year? That’s more than $200 in ten years ALL BECAUSE OF A COUPON. When you multiply that by the fact that he hasn’t ever bought anything without a coupon — socks! birthday presents for other people! HAIRCUTS! THEY MAKE COUPONS FOR YOUR HAIR! — you realize that I didn’t come by my insanity on accident.

“What’s going on?” I ask, a little afraid.

“Well,” he begins, “can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” I say.

“Does your husband like us?” he asks.

I want to tell him immediately that, of course, Jon loves him. Jon loves all of my family despite the fact that they conduct themselves in a manner that suggests it is their God-given right to park a pickup truck on your front lawn. But before I answer I’m struck dumb with the implications of such a question. What happened between Jon and my father? When? Jon understands explicitly that he is never supposed to bring up religion or politics when in the company of my family because one, it will only end up in a useless argument, and two, my father owns a gun.

A few weeks ago we were sitting in my father’s living room having a friendly conversation when Jon’s brain temporarily shut off and shriveled into a wrinkled mass the size of a green pea: he enthusiastically brought up a recent op-ed piece about homosexuality in the local newspaper. Once the word HOMOSEXUALITY left Jon’s mouth both my father and I immediately shut down into Preservation Mode: Keep Mouth Shut So That Leta Can Continue To Have A Relationship With Her Grandfather. Neither he nor I said a word for the next twenty minutes because he knows he’ll never change my mind, and me? I have seen his gun, and it is very gun-like.

I swallow loudly and say, “Jon loves you, Dad.” And then I ask without wanting to know the answer, “Why?”

“Does he really?” he asks. “How much does he love us?”

I guess not enough that he won’t bring up The Gays in your living room, Dad, but that has nothing to do with love and everything to do with a terminal case of absent-mindedness. “He loves you like his own family,” I say.

“Do you think he loves us enough that he would help us out if we needed it?”

My heart starts to break a little. “Of course! Whatever you need, Dad,” I say hoping that he understands that he is an important part of our lives, that having him so close has given Leta a chance to know her grandfather, something neither Jon nor I ever really had. I want him to know that I love him as his child, but more importantly that we, as adults, respect the man that he is. “Jon would do anything for you.”

“Then tell him I have an angry skunk stuck in my window well, and I need someone to climb in and get him out.”

Related:

Your dad’s thinking anybody who is ballsy enough to bring up the HOMO-SEX-UALS to a Mormon can hold his own with that there skunk.

Tell Jon this is a rite of passage.

http://www.runwiththefishes.net anna

That is great. Your dad sounds like a funny guy.

http://www.pixie-powered.blogspot.com PixieMegh

I SOOOOOO needed that story right now! I’m falling apart now. On my way to being dooced by proxy! Thank you Heather!

http://www.theniffer.blogspot.com the niffer

How much does Jon love ME? I’ve got a couple of skunks under my porch. And this job would be way easier – they’re not angry yet.

Liz

HAH, too funny. Your dad is so clever. Make sure to get Jon to wear the clogs when getting the skunk out, that way he has to throw it away since it stinks to much.

http://www.wannashrink.blogspot.com Dominique

Priceless. A master at manipulation.

http://www.troll-baby.com Karen Rani

Oh you are so effing dramatic young lady – my heart was breaking for your father through that whole story…thank goodness it isn’t serious.

Once Jon is loving your father, then “the niffer,” I need him to come love us, as we’ve one slut of a raccoon in our attic on and off for a YEAR. She just won’t leave. She keeps bringing these boys raccoons home and it probably smells like raccoon sex in my attic.

Please tell Jon, he can wear his crocKs, and that we have satellite, M&M’s, lots of beer, and will allow many naps. Maybe that’s why Daren can’t get rid of Floosie the Bandit – he’s taking too many naps.

Pah – I called you young lady – I do believe we are the same age Mrs. A.

http://kimba-bremen.com kim from germany

wow. so did he? does jon love him enough to mess with an angry skunk? that’s a lot of love…

http://www.blogapotamus.com galetea

Nothing says love like an angry skunk in the face.

http://www.shannongrothaus.com/ Shannon

Wow! I had been bracing myself throughout the story for some really terrible news; I thought your dad was going to ask for an organ donation!

… of course you ought to say “yes,” but I’d include the condition that Jon sleep at his house until the smell dissipates.

thleen

Sa-weet!

Go, Dad!

Lori

That has got to be the funniest thing I’ve read all week. Thanks for the giggles!

slickwilliejr

the clog army doesnt handle skunks.

http://Hope Hope

I know this is going to sound weird, but dooche works really well to get skumk smell out, I worked at a nature center with skunks under the porch and it always worked likE a charm.

The worst part is the look the cashier gives you when you buy 20 boxes at a time good luck!

MarieMillard

What about Dad’s “GUN” … just shoot Pepe LaPew and then go in for him!

http://Anopoli.livejournal.com Anopoli

your dad is awesome!

mochajunkie

My friend used this technique with a baby skunk in her window well last week.

Trash bag with peanut butter smeared inside near the bottom. Lower bag into well, wait for skunk to feel hungry, which if he has been in the well for a while, won’t be long. Skunk crawls into bag, lift bag out. If you have a drawstring trash bag, you can tie something to the drawstring, so that you are able to retrieve it and close it without getting near the angry skunk.

Please post the outcome of this event no matter what methods you use.

Joey

haha! After he takes care of your father’s skunk, send Jon to my house. I have a very friendly one that visits the carport every evening looking for leftover cat food.

I figured I was smart enough to solve that problem so I just quit feeding the cat. Now my skunk is angry too, and last night showed me just how displeased he is all over the inside of the carport!! I woke this morning to Eau de Pepe wafting thru the house! My toddler was even holding his nose!

Joyce

cathbuzz

The lead story on the front page of our local newspaper not too long ago was about a man that had helped a skunk with a jar stuck on his little head. He said that the skunk seemed to know that a human could help him, because he walked up to the guy and let him take the jar off his head and did not repay the favor by unloading his scent glands.

(This lead story, along with the lead story about the guy who coughed up a 30-year-old nail basically sum up why we moved to a rural area.)

Despite the heart-warming story I read in the paper, I hope you told your father that smelling dead skunk body until it breaks down on its own is a better olfactory prospect than trying to help him out of the window well. For-fucking-get it, dad.

http://www.jbjones.blogspot.com Mrs Ca

I don’t even think I love my husband enough to confront an angry skunk. Tell him to look for a coupon for pest control.

http://www.cadenscastle.com/ Donny

Sounds like a smart man, getting you to commit your husband to help before telling you what he needed.

Thanks for the first smile of the morning.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/tessenwee Tracy

Ha! Man, that is truly a much keener test of in-law filial devotion than biting his tongue over social issues.

Also, unless you have an XL decon suit just laying around the house, the follow-on question must be: Do you love Jon enough to let him come back into your house reeking of skunk?

http://www.meretrice.com Meretrice

LOL, that is awesome.

I realized that my husband loved my parents when he had to use his training as a nurse to help my dad when he was sick with cancer. I won’t go into details given that this is a family blog, but let’s just say that any man willing to put one of his digits in any oriface of his father-IN-LAW must love me, and my family. (I just went into the details, didn’t I?)

I don’t think I ever loved my husband more than in those moments when he was taking care of my dad, who ultimately died of prostate cancer.

And he kills ugly bugs for me too.

http://thisisitseriously.blogspot.com Melissa

Truly awesome.

I love that your dad was so nervous about asking for Jon’s help in this sensitive matter!

http://sarahkite.blogspot.com sarahekite

There for a minute I was worried where this story was going, now I can’t stop laughing, nor can I see through the laughter induced tears!

http://kimbanelson.blogspot.com/ dancingnancy

THAT is love, Jon. I don’t care what anyone says. Or maybe I should include Heather in this as well. You’re the one who’ll have to start the dreaded tomato bath……

Like a fat kid loves cake………..

http://smoness.livejournal.com/ smoness

THAT takes quite a bit of love! Oh, and tomato juice? Not so much does it get the stench out… but it will turn you a nice shade of pink. Go to the nearest pet store and buy, Odor Mute – it works.

http://sheelagh.us JC

jon should just throw his clogs at the skunk. that’ll fix it!

Mack’sMom

Here I thought he was going to ask for one of Jon’s kidneys…instead this was way more “AWESOMER”

So in the case my parents or in-laws were to call in the same dilemma, am I an unloving cruel bitch to say “HELL NO!” Just wondering…I just want to be prepared.

http://www.jenireno.blogspot.com Jeni

Okay, total gut-busting laughter in my office. I was thinking this was going to be a we-need-money thing, but I realized you probably wouldn’t post such a thing. Never, did I expect an angry skunk.

Danalan

Snort!

Way to start my Monday. Don’t be too surprised when you find out how long if took your dad to find a good skunk to put in there, so as to teach Jon a lesson.

carosgram

Now that is what I call REAL love!

katy66

Your Daddy gets three snaps in a circle!

http://veg4me.typepad.com veg4me

Last summer my Dad woke up in the middle of a nice summer nights sleep to the aroma of skunk. He looked out the open window, saw the skunk on the lawn, opened the door and grabbed his sneaker. He attempted to scare off the skunk by throwing the size 11 at it. Hit that skunk on the back of the head from 30 feet away in the dark of night and killed it.

Next morning he had to get up, get his sneaker, grab a shovel and bury a skunk.

Tell Jon to bring The Clogs, they might come in handy…

http://justlinda.net JustLinda

Ah, a little skunk funk.

We had one in our garage a couple years ago. My daughter ran in saying “There’s a STUNK in our garage.” No doubt at all.

My parents just redid their wills a couple months ago, signed, sealed and locked away for the time being. Having nothing to gain from climbing to rid my parents of the dead skunk, I’m certain he would have called an exterminator. We’re not skunk people, he and I. We just plain aren’t.

http://www.sweetney.com sweetney

and off in the distance, a rimshot was heard…

http://joyunexpected.com Y

I wonder if the skunk is a homosexual.

http://www.chirky.com jes

And what was Jon’s response? To tell him to suck dirrrty coon tails?

Did he go after the skunk? And if so, I won’t believe that you didn’t photograph it. Or! RECORD IT. even better.

http://jonniker.com Jonniker

I got two skunks stuck in my window well last year and basically, it sucked. Sprayed everything, everywhere (did you know that it’s WHITE when it hits things? And smells like burning lamp fuel up reallyreally close?)

Not that you asked for it, but the best way we found to get them out was to put a plank in there to help them crawl out themselves. If they’ve been in there long enough, they will do it, and you’ll have plenty of time to run. I’m telling you this so that Jon saves himself from getting sprayed multiple times – a fate that we did not escape.

Cute side note: When the skunks escaped, the first skunk sweetly waited at the top of the window well for the second skunk to make her way up, then they hopped off into the distance. Aside from the stench, it was the most darling thing I’d seen in a long time.

http://istoedejoana.blogspot.com/ Joana

Ahahahahah! True love, right there.

http://grinningellie.blogspot.com Elleana

Ha!
I guess I’m not the only one to think ‘she must get this on video’. And you MUST.

http://lawyerish.typepad.com lawyerish

Proof that you are Southern: “you realize that I didnâ€™t come by my insanity on accident.” ON accident (as opposed to BY accident) = 100% Dixie. I miss me some Southern.

Proof I am an idiot: what is a window well? I am imagining that it’s the space underneath a window, i.e., the space into which a car window fits when you roll it down, but whether in a house or a car, I can’t imagine that it’s a space that could accommodate a skunk. Help?

(Of course, maybe I am being too literal and, in fact, your Dad was speaking metaphorically, to the effect that Jon had dang well better not bring up The Gays in My House Ever Again or else I’ll have him wrasslin’ angry skunks in no time flat.)

TxSuzyQ

Guess Jonboy’s not gonna be gettin’ any lovin’ anytime soon… unless you can hold your breath for the duration!

http://www.amie.infiniteregress.org amieable

Skunk-retrieval is the barometer of true love.

http://valerie.beautifulexchange.org Valerie

Must have follow-up post! Must know the ending of this story! Must have video with cool CNN sound effects!

I know that my grandfather loves my husband because he calls him his “little buddy”. Not sure what that does for my husband’s self-esteem, though.

http://reasonenough.blogspot.com/ karen

Here’s a website you might find handy. If it’s already to late for you to need the big “Professional Skunk Trappers” link at the top, the skunk smell removal recipe toward the bottom might be of use:

At least it sounds like the inheritance might be worth something…all that coupon use! I’m lucky if I get it together to notice that a particular brand of something is on sale – our kids have no hope for much leftover when we’re gone.

http://www.kungfoodie.com Kung Foodie

Chuck to the rescue!!!

http://fairycreations.blogspot.com Arty Steph

Wow, that really sucked me, I was waiting for the horrifying ending! And then, when I read how funny it was, I sprayed orange juice out my noise. thanks for that

http://karinka1.blogspot.com Carrie Johnston

I would smack my dad for almost giving me a broken heart/heart attack/something related in a bad way to the heart.

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