Full Release: Music

Music has charms to soothe the savage breast – but what if the savage breast is really hot? In this week’s rundown of new releases, I’ll be evaluating records on their estimated ability to make a hot chick not kill you. Here’s the scenario: Jessica Alba is coming at you with a knife. You have your iPod and a set of inexpensive speakers. You choose one of the albums below. What happens? For this deadly game of Choose Your Own Adventure, read on.

50 Cent – Before I Self Destruct – Okay, is this like the emo 50 album? This sucker was supposed to drop in 2007 but he put out Curtis instead, backburnering this material. Of course, the record already leaked because it’s 2009 and that happens, so it’s going to hit stores tomorrow. So what does the homicidal hottie think? 50’s return to thug life on the album’s opener might get her violent tendencies inflamed, but if you put on “Could’ve Been You,” the closer with R. Kelly singing on the hook, you’re going to have a knife in your kidneys before the second verse.

Boyz II Men – Love – Are you kidding me? They still know how to make Boyz II Men albums? I thought that knowledge was lost in the Cataclysm. This record is all covers, though, so it could be cyborgs. Normally, Jessica Alba would drop her panties at the slightest inkling of Cooley High harmony, but considering this disc has covers of Bonnie Raitt and Journey, you’re as good as dead.

Them Crooked Vultures – Them Crooked Vultures – We’ve got a little feature on these guys up today, which if you haven’t checked out you should. I’ll wait. This latest supergroup features Dave Grohl, Josh Homme and John Paul Jones, and it’s pretty killer – sprawling Zeppelin-influenced rock with serious guitar pyrotechnics and monstrous bass lines. This would get Alba to drop the knife, hoist the bong and get lowdown and funky with you in the back of a van.

Kris Allen – Kris Allen – This is the American Idol guy who’s not the outrageously gay one, and as such has absolutely nothing to recommend him. If you like utterly dull Maroon 5 dad-rock, you’ll enjoy this. Jessica Alba? If she can stay awake, you’re dog food.

John Mayer – Battle Studies – John Mayer is a dude I really like as a dude (because he’s banging tons of actresses and doing hilarious viral videos) and not as a musician (because his music sounds like white gravy on top of oatmeal). But you know what? The ladies really seem to get into his schtick, so if you’re listening to save your life you might as well put on this guaranteed slice of panty pudding provoker and grin & bear it.