A play-by-play of the ABC-TV series, The Bachelor, aka the greatest reality television show of all time. These started out as e-mails to a friend and a wife, who in turn forwarded those e-mails to friends. They told two friends, and so on... So now it's on a blog for all to see.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Bachelor Canada: Get your ya-yas out

I just thought of the biggest downside to me posting these recaps six days post facto: It might give some the impression that I've been crafting this all week. Not so at all. It's still the same poorly constructed, typo-filled mess. I watched the episode last night, scribbled some notes, and now I'll pump this out before I have to go out before noon. So let's not waste any more time.

It was hometown visits week. Tim called last week "one of the most intense weeks of my life." He's either lived a very charmed life or lots gets lost in the editing.

The first visit was to Edmonton, where Trish was waiting for Tim in an Oilers jersey outside a hockey arena. She had a Leafs jersey to give to him when he arrived. Trish thought maybe they could play a little one-on-one with the winner getting a kiss. I love how she thinks of kisses as something one performs on another, rather than a mutually beneficial experience.

Turns out Tim is quite the skater. He looks pro level to me. Then again, I can't skate. But anytime I see someone skating backwards, I just assume they're professional. He even went further with it by kissing her while skating backwards.

Trish admitted to us that's she's in love with him. She's just nervous to tell him, but just "a hairline away" from telling him. She hemmed and hawed at the arena: "Since I've been on this... I don't even know what to call it. I guess like a journey." Wow, did she just coin that analogy? A journey? Let me jot that one down. (Obviously she's never seen the show before. Or read the handbook of acceptable Bachelor words and phrases.)

Trish's family's approval is important to her so she hopes he likes oddballs. She introduced Tim to her parents, grandparents, and some others I forgot to note. See how I used "wow" in the previous paragraph? That was to get you warmed up to the word. The producers put together a nice little wow-montage. It seemed to be her family's favourite word. Tim said, "They might be quirky or whatnot" but they make him feel like one of the family. Wow.

Trish talked to her mom in the kitchen, who was a good foot shorter than Trish. Does that count as one of the quirks? Don't think so. Just an observation.

Outside the house, Trish waggled her tongue in thought then managed to say, "I am falling for you." Usually in these situations, the Bachelor stays mum and smiles and kisses the person who just opened their heart for him. In this case, Time replied, "I fell for you a long time ago." Telling? Then they grab each other's heads and engage in tongue-to-tongue combat. No one peeked out the window.

Next was Seashell's turn. We saw her standing outside an airport in Toronto. The fog precluded her from going to her hometown of Sudbury. Or maybe it was just the smog from Sudbury. She broke the news to Tim, saying they might be able to make it for dinner. "The whole date is ruined now," she moped. Not quite. Tim promised to show her Tim's Toronto.

So off they went. He told her all about the city on their drive in. As a westerner who's never been there, I always assumed every place in Ontario was basically Toronto. And if you're not actually from the place, you'd certainly been many times.

They went for coffee and sat watching children toddle by. Seashell said she wanted a boy first. If she doesn't get her wish, I'm sure her firstborn daughter will appreciate watching this footage of her mom. Tim told her he wanted two kids at least. She thinks he's "full husband material."

After one coffee, they had a flight to catch. Couldn't they have had their coffee at the airport? I'm sure more happened to fill the time. Could it have been more boring than watching them drink coffee? Why didn't we see it?

They arrive in Sudbury. Thank God the show wasn't filmed in Smell-o-vision! (Actually, I hear the sulphur dioxide emissions in this mining town have reduced considerably over the years, but I still like to think of it as smelly.)

She brings Tim home to meet her family, including her intense brother, who informs Tim that he watched an interview with him "about ten times." Oh, and he typically doesn't like the guys Seashell dates. He tells Tim that Seashell is "the grounded one" in the family, and "the angel." Tim can feel the bro staring at him.

Her dad rescues Tim but not for long. Bro shows up to play "bad cop" to dad's "good cop." Then there was a weird edit. He talked about her past boyfriends saying he's "been tempted to maybe drop one into a couple of them." Meaning hit them. But then they edited him to maybe suggest he was talking about dropping one (?) into Tim. (Is that a Sudbury phrase, by the way?) The guy looked like he was in the witness protection program with a wig and fake beard. He talked about "sizing him up" and realizing he could take him and "holding a punch back" but wanting to hear what the guy had to say first. I'm pretty certain he was talking about his past experience with one of Seashell's suitors, but it wasn't presented as such.

He told Tim that an engagement means marriage and to let Seashell go if he's not 100% sure instead of dragging her through heartbreak. Ending with this pseudo-threat: "Don't hurt my sis, you know? That's my girl." Then he told the cameras, with a smile indicating to me he was fooling around or giving the producers what they asked for, "I do feel like he really likes her so I decided not to hit him."

Outside, Tim gave Seashell a hug. A hug! That was telling. I think he was afraid to kiss her in case the brother was looking on. But that hug eventually turned into a kiss. A little subdued kiss, but still a kiss. He described her as "that forever kind of girl."

Next up was April's hometown, a place I'd never heard of: Wasaga Beach, Ontario. And the beach looked beautiful. And empty. Google tells me it's the longest beach in the world. I guess the name Longbeach was already taken.

April said she could see herself marrying Tim but she's struggling with opening up to him. Tim said April's "still kind of a mystery." He needs to know if she trusts him.

They sit down at the beach and she gives Tim a history lesson to show him where the wall around her stems from. She tells him her parents were "partiers" and that her father died of partying, i.e. drug overdose, when she was 8. She has no relationship with her mother. She was raised by her grandparents.

Tim said he understands her now and that wall is "not so daunting." He feels closer than ever before.

They go to a restaurant her grandparents used to own where Tim meets the whole family. Which brings me to a personal pet peeve. Indulge me. I know I may be completely wrong. She said Tim was going to meet "my Ya-ya and my Opa." I get calling one's grandparents weird names. I'm too embarrassed to even mention what we called our grandparents. The point is, though, that it's correct to say, "This is my grandmother" but not "This is my Ya-ya." She calls her "Yaya" so it's like a name. Just like you would say, "This is my brother" but not "This is my Dean."

There. Glad I could finally get that off my chest.

The grandmother spoke with an indeterminate accent. I'm guessing Greek. The grandfather didn't speak. As we saw in upcoming highlights last week, the grandmother was a tough nut. The 89-year-old told Tim over the dinner table, "You are very muscular. You like to do gym and outdoors. I can see through you."

Dum-dum-DUM! Tim mopped the sweat from his brow and we went to commercial.

My first thought was it was a language issue. Or maybe confusion. But they really wanted us to believe she was going to give Tim a piece of her mind. Not the case at all, as we saw immediately when we got back from the break. She continued, "I'm very impressed. You are a very wonderful young man and you have lots of qualities inside you. You have quality things in your heart." What a hard-ass!

She told the cameras, "Somehow I think I know him for a long time. I have a connection with his heart and my heart."

Then she flirted with him, asking if his mother ever said, "Ich liebe dich" to him. Is Tim German? I guess so. And I guess Opa is, too, because Ya-Ya said he told her what it meant. I knew what it meant, but Tim didn't. It means I love you. April, standing next to them, said playfully, "You love him before I said it!"

Seeing her family warm up to Tim made her feel more connected to him, too. And it showed outside. She told him she's falling for him. And she really took control in the kissing department. Tim told us his heart is melting and added, "In that moment, I'm falling for her so hard." Ah, those three little words. No, not "falling for her." What was up with "in that moment"? Is that telling, too?

Finally, Calgary, where Lisa awaited with too much make-up and bad girl leather pants on. Maybe she figured it worked for Olivia Newton-John in Grease, so it might work for her.

Tim said he was having "serious reservations" about her and was losing sleep over it. They took a walk in the park and he sat her down and said, "Will you tell me what happened last week?" I replayed her reply several times but couldn't figure out what she said. It sounded like she repeated the question to him. But maybe she said she did tell him already.

He told her he could totally see himself falling for her. "We could travel, I could maybe convince you to move to Toronto." Lisa looked at hopeful but as soon as she said, "And?" I think she realized what was coming. Or maybe she heard the sad music they were playing in the background.

He continued: "I could totally see myself doing that with you. I just don't know if I'd feel right taking it any farther. I don't think I could meet your parents in good faith."

So to recap: Tim chose Lisa last week over Kaylynn, got her to get her family together in anticipation of meeting him, then ended it almost as soon as he saw her. Nice.

Lisa wasn't totally shocked. She's cool as a cuke. She said, "I don't know what to say," with a trace of a smile. Some might call it a smirk. Tim said sorry and she chuckled. As he walked away in the park, she turned to the camera and said with faux something (I can't quite put my finger on it), "I knew it!"

In the limo, she said he "listened too much to the other girls, who are my competitors at this point." She said they were just waiting for something to come at her with. It's a good thing Lisa gave them that very thing. It's a good thing she kissed that waiter.

Tim said he didn't trust her. Her exit interview was short and to the point: "I'm done." With her trademark smile/smirk.

In Vancouver for the rose ceremony, would all three move on since Lisa was gone? One would assume. But Tim said there were two women he could see himself spending the rest of his life with. Two! I had no clue which two it would be at first, but I nailed it before he started handing out roses.

April showed up with a wowza dress cut down to here showing off her ya-yas. Trish showed up wearing Elton John's shoes. Seashell showed up.

Not only didn't she stand out, I also figured her brother scared Tim off. And when we heard her say she'd be "devastated" if she wasn't picked, that sealed it.

The three noticed the two roses. Then they noticed Lisa wasn't there. Tim told them there were only two roses because he "learned a lot in hometowns." He said there were some connections that are stronger than others and said he didn't want to lead anyone on (i.e. didn't want to get whacked by someone's brother). In truth, it was probably because the show's budget didn't allow for an extra rose. And the network wanted this off the air as soon as possible.

The roses went in order to:

April

Trish

And, as predicted, Seashell would be going back to Sudbury. She put on a brave face in the lineup. Tim told her he meant everything he said, calling her "so caring" and "so beautiful." She melted in his chest and cried. I hope she got snot on his tie.

She said, "I did not expect that." She was beginning to imagine her life with him. "Now I'm back at square one. That's the hardest part." If only there were such a thing as Bachelorette Canada, I'd be rooting for her to be the star.

Next week Tim, Trish and April are off to Tahiti. No, scratch that. Next week is the Women Tell All episode. Finally the host returns to earn his money. Scratch that again: next week is tomorrow!

Don't expect this to be late every week. I mean, it very well may be. But I may surprise you all and get this up the next day. Don't hold your breath, but it's a possibility.