30 Neomails I Don't Want at 7 a.m.

A NEOHOME IN MYSTERY ISLAND – Inspiration is a funny thing. I woke up this
morning within the lounge room of my Neohome to the sound of a white Weewoo tapping
on my window with an envelope clamped in its beak. I soon realised I’d fallen
asleep on the sofa reading a special edition paperback on Wock Til You Drop –
which my Gelert may kill me for as that’s his favourite band and in his eyes it
is blasphemy to fall asleep while reading about them, but that’s beside the point.
Grunting in disapproval I dragged myself over to the window and opened it, the
Weewoo instantaneously dropping the letter into my hands. Got to love those quick
delivery Neomailing Weewoos!

I fumbled to open the letter (owing to the fact that I was half awake) and
stared at the writing on the page.

“What day is it?!” was written down in a rather messy scrawl, giving the impression
of it having been written in an urgent rush. It was a friend of mine and fellow
Neopian who shall remain nameless so as to not have his… shall we say, strange
tendencies be displayed to the Neopian world.

Needless to say, I was not pleased, but nevertheless inspired to write this
article. Without further ado, I bring you THE TOP 30 INSTANT NEOMAILS I DON’T
WANT TO RECEIVE AT 7 O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING!

30 – “This is the Chia Police. Your Lupe was found near the scene of a recent
pizza store robbery. We brought him in for questioning but… well… let’s just
say that some of our Chia Officers will never be the same again. Please come
collect your Lupe so we can come down from the top of this bookcase.”

29 – “The mad scientist from the lab ray writing in regards to a lab… incident.
I kind of accidentally zapped Uni with the wrong ray… could you please come
and collect your pile of sludge formerly known as Liberte_Real?”

28 – “Doctor Sloth here. Can Eldalie come out and play?!”

27 – “This is the Neopian Adoption Agency, Dr_Death. Please come collect your
Lupe. He’s wandering around the cages shouting for a revolt and demanding that
everyone be fed Easter Neggs for breakfast.”

20 – “I’m writing from the Pick Your Own section of Meri Acres Farm. Your Lupe
is in a tug-of-war match over some dung with the Gelert in charge…”

19 – “Hello this is Jhuidah. Your pets just dived into the cooking pot… I’ll
let you know when they come out… if we can recognise them at all that is…”

18 – “Fyora here. Your Lupe just did a face-plant into the wall of the Hidden
Tower. Could you please come clean up the mess he’s left?”

17 – “Sloth Fan Club writing to return a letter from one Mr. Shadow. Oh, and
another from Mr. Eldalie.”

16 – “This is the manager of The Golden Dubloon writing. Could you kindly come
and pay Mr. Strawberry’s two hundred dubloon tab sometime today?”

15 – “Manager of The Golden Dubloon again. While you’re at it, could you also
pay Mr. Shadow’s five hundred dubloon tab today?”

14 – “This is the Usukiland shopkeeper. Your pets broke in last night and drew
faces all over every Usuki in stock with permanent black marker.”

13 – “Congratulations! Your Draik has just made the LARGEST order of hotdogs
ever! As soon as you pay the two hundred and sixty-five thousand Neopoints owed,
you’ll be entitled to a spectacular prize; a ‘MY PET MADE ME BROKE BY ORDERING
HOTDOGS!’ badge!”

12 – “You are now entitled to use the ‘My pets are criminals’ avatar on the
neoboards!”

11 – “Your Lupe has just broken a record by eating five hundred and fifty rainbow
donuts in a row.”

10 – “Hello I’m a Battledome official writing from the Stone Battledome. Your
Gelert appears to be having an emotional breakdown and is screaming ‘that Chia
Clown cheated I tell you!’ – he’s disturbing other battlers. Please come and
collect him as soon as possible.”

9 – “Um, hi. This is the Snowager. I employed Shadow to watch my treasure pile
while I went on holiday for a while… thing is, everything appears to be gone.
May I have a word with him?”

7 – “FOR THE LAST TIME! White Weewoos and Jelly World DO NOT EXIST! We won’t
say it again! This is your final warning.”

6 – “This is the Meepit conspiracy cult… I mean, the ‘Everything is Fine and
Meepits Aren’t Out to Get Us’ organisation! We would just like to inform you
that EVERYTHING IS FINE! There is NO REASON to fear the Meepits… none at all…”

5 – “Hi I’m writing from the ‘Just Accept It’ organisation! I’vet been instructed
to tell you to just accept that you’re NEVER going to score as many trophies
as stoneman3x… let’s face it – NO ONE WILL!”

3 – “I’m calling from Brightvale Scrollery. Your Draik just robbed us. We tried
to stop him but he used our own scrolls of freezing against us. Could you please
come and unfreeze us?”

2 – “This is the owner of the Wheel of Monotony. Your Gelert has passed out
from boredom. Come collect him from the pile of pets that have done the same.”

1 – “Hello this is the Neopian Times office. We regret to inform you that your
article has been rejected - in future, when trying to be funny; don’t. Or at
least grow a sense of humour first.” (not that our dear Snowflake would ever
say that – but I’ll bet you she wants to after reading this! ;] )

Obligatory after note: My pets aren’t REALLY criminals… I think… At any
rate, any questions/comments/theories on an international conspiracy involving
Meepits are welcomed ^_^ Also, huge shout-outs to all the members of my guild
the NTAG. Thanks so much to everyone there that gave me help and advice with
this article ^_^

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