Adventures in the Fantasy Premier League, Gameweek 34

1. Tevez- In fantasy football, you don’t have to deal with uncooperative players. That’s why it was difficult for managers like you and me to get our heads around Mancini’s Tevez dilemma. But we certainly understand goals. Goals. Tevez. Three at Carrow Road, which makes four last week in total. And Wolves coming up next Sunday…

2. Sigurdsson- Remember the Icelandic volcano that disrupted Barcelona’s travel plans ahead of their faceoff against Inter Milan in the Champions League semi-finals? Jose Mourinho called the volcano Gudjohnsen – Why? Gudjohnsen was the only Icelandic footballer he knew. (Why Mourinho had to name the volcano after a footballer is anyone’s guess). Being the football-savvy, man-of-all-cultures that he is, Mourinho has, by now, surely heard of another Icelander. Gylfi Sigurdsson’s performances this season have been noticed by a lot of people, and for good reason. Saturday’s strike was his seventh in the Premier League since joining Swansea in January – not bad for a midfielder. If Mourinho had a fantasy team – and I’m almost certain he doesn’t, unless you count Real Madrid — I’d tell him to sign Sigurdsson. Instead, I’ll tell you. Sign Gylfi Sigurdsson (5.6 million).

3. Rooney – How Rooney managed to score two goals against Aston Villa is beyond me. His performance was utterly awful, sloppiness laced with the volatility that consistently undermines his talent. However, producing results without playing well is the way to win titles, or so the old cliché goes. And Manchester United certainly know how to win titles. Indeed, they will probably seal this season’s league within the next couple of weeks. Rooney will be pivotal, even if he plays badly.

4. Nobody likes a diver- Diving isn’t taken into account by most fantasy managers. It seems like one of those icky, controversial issues that the virtual game doesn’t have to — and, frankly, doesn’t want to — deal with. But what if diving could guarantee extra points? What if players suddenly became more valuable because of the quality of their cheating? Enter: Ashley Young. After being roundly criticized for his dive against QPR, Young was at it again on Sunday, first dragging his foot into Ciaran Clark’s leg, then glancing longingly at the referee before finally tumbling to the ground. And, eventually, winning assist points. Time to stock up on divers.

5. Change captains- I hate to say it, but Robin Van Persie’s run has ended. With only one goal in his last six Premier League games – and a bust-up with Gary Caldwell to boot – RvP seems to have misplaced the inspiration that powered his midseason tear. It’s time to transfer your team’s coveted armband to someone in better form. And, no, Gary Caldwell should not be considered.