"Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine."--Fran Lebowitz

Monday, December 2, 2013

The HoseMaster's Letter to Santa 2013

I've been writing an annual letter to Santa Claus since I was old enough to write. The first letter I wrote I was in high school, and I asked Santa for "hair down there." Life has come full circle, and now I need to ask for "hair up top." My 2013 Letter to Santa appears over in Dickens country, at Tim Atkin's Louis Roederer Award Winning Site. I hope that you'll jump in your magic sleigh and go there to read it. It's hard for me to believe, but this completes my first year writing for Tim Atkin MW. It has been a great pleasure, and Tim's site has given me a kind of exposure that I would probably never have gotten on my own. So, thank you, Tim. And God Bless Us, every one!

Feel free to leave a gift of language over at Tim's site, comments there are much appreciated, or, of course, you can wrap them up tastefully, slide down my chimney, and leave them under my Christmas tree here. Gift cards and cash much appreciated.

15 comments:

Ron My Love,I am crushed Babe. I thought I knew just what you wanted. What you've been craving and secretly trying to communicate to me through innuendo. Can't believe I got it so wrong. Now what am I going to do with this Blinky Gray Fat Head?!Fuck..Oh well, I can't give you any of the things on your Santa list but I can offer my paltry loyalty and undying love. I love you!

I object to the ban on hedonistic--not that I ever use it, but I do come across so many wines that offer no hedonistic pleasure. Perhaps, instead of the Asimov equation of savory and whatever else it was he suggested as the other category, we could simply grade wines into hedonistic and non-hedonistic.

As for Gordon Ramsay, didn't he die ages ago, like Colicchio and Bobby Flay and all those other people who are trying to tell us how well they can cook dishes we could never even conceive.

Oh, and Happy Hanukah. I know its almost over, and I hope you did not miss it.

Ron,the hair "down there" vs the hair on head cracked me up, but it's what I have come to expect!

Hanukkah got lost in Thanksgivmukkah, which to my mind was no great loss.

Apologies to my co-religionists, because the Hanukkah presents are probably already forgotten and now Jewish kids will start whining piteously at Christmas for gifts.

To be perfectly honest, Hanukkah became a big deal to mollify the whiners who wanted gifts at XMas.

Regarding kosher wines: There has been a huge increase in quality/quantity of kosher wine. Jeff Morgan makes a great Cali/Bdx called Covenant (get it?) Hagafen(one of my wine students thought it was an Irish name and pronounced it Haag a fen) makes good quality kosher wines and some of the kosher stuff coming out of Israel is good enough for me to drink!

This may be sacrilege but I never REALLY understood the whole kosher thing. Some very orthodox wineries won't even allow the Jewish owner to touch his/her wine because they are not Sabbath observers and do not keep strictly kosher. That seems like overkill to me but whaddya whaddya...

Marlene Darling,I'm in way over my head in any discussion that involves the Jewish faith. I do know that when it comes to kosher, there's kosher, kosher for Passover, and kosher for Barbra Streisand's birthday. After that, I'm totally ignorant.

But I've missed you.

Charlie,One of the very few times I was starstruck working as a sommelier, in a restaurant where I met just about every big star in Hollywood, was when I walked up to a table on night and realized the old guy sort of schlumped in his seat, with big black glasses on, was the great Shecky Greene. I have a fondness for those old Borscht Belt comics, from Buddy Hackett to Myron Cohen to Mel Brooks and on to Shecky. Glad to have you drop his name.

Kill Gordon Ramsey?? Good idea.. that way we won't get sued when we steal his act for Hell's Tasting Room... remember I want a half mil an episode... how about a shiny new cow bell for X-mas?? great stuff Ron.. keep the laffs coming in the new year...

David,I must say I like the concept of Hell's Tasting Room, inevitably located somewhere along Napa's Highway 29. Maybe start an actually winery named Hell. Then it would be Hell's Tasting Room. Hell, that's a good idea.

Marlene Darling,That you don't know Shecky Greene is a terrible gap in your education. To this day, if you want to name a really old school, Vaudevillian-type comedian for a comedy skit, you name him "Shecky." Shecky was, as they say in the show biz world of talk shows, Great Panel.

Marlene Darling,My best friend and I would often talk about the great old comics of yesteryear, hard working guys who did nothing but schtick, the grand old dinosaurs of the comedy biz. Shecky Greene, Jan Murray, Freddie Roman, Corbett Monica, Myron Cohen, Henny Youngman, Allen and Rossi, Charlie Callas... I learned a lot about joke writing just listening to all those guys. So meeting Shecky! Wow. I'm sure there's some YouTube of him. Maybe I'll go look.

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About Me

After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.

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"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..."--Robert Parker

"...With sometimes crude analogies and occasional droppings of f-bombs, Washam cleverly uses satire to expose the underbelly of the wine business. It's often hilarious stuff as long as you're not the one being lampooned.Washam takes no prisoners in skewering all that is silly, stupid, frustrating and pretentious about wine, and his favorite targets are other bloggers and writers. No one is immune."

--Linda Murphy in "Vineyard and Winery Management"

"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."--JancisRobinson.com

"How do you introduce Ron Washam, the Hosemaster of Wine? Two things:

First: I’m not sure if there is anyone better at cutting through the confidence trick that is often intrinsic to the business of wine.

Second: in a world where offending people appears to border on the illegal, the Hosemaster piles in. No one is safe."

--Joss Fowler "Vinolent.com"

"As serious as the world of wine is, it does allow time for humor. Each Monday and Thursday, Ron Washam customarily posts a commentary on his needling wine blog HoseMaster of Wine. Washam, a former sommelier and comedy writer – he might say they are closely related – is the most opinionated, humorous and ribald observer in the wine world. His body of work is irreverent and remorseless. It’s almost always satire and parody, though he occasionally drifts into straight commentary, sometimes even with tasting notes. This past year, one of his posts was named the best of the year in the Wine Blog Awards. His success has spawned several imitations, which in their awkwardness show just how difficult satire is."

"Please let this guy write the scripts for Saturday Night Live which has gotten so lame...his newest "wisdom" is worth an Emmy....I wonder if he is the genius behind all those Hitler/Parker,etc. clips? No one else is remotely as funny or as talented.And the wine world sure needs someone to poke fun at all the nonsense and phoney/baloney unsufferable crap out there."

--Robert Parker

"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."

--San Francisco Chronicle

"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion."--Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine

"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."

--Steve Heimoff

"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."

--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times

"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."

--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences

"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."

--1WineDude

"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."

--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"

"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."

--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"

"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."