I am seriously ready to throw my hands in the air and scream 'I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!'.

I have been stressing the last several days because I have been dealing with a fairly sharp learning curve with a new elearning program at work. I was so stressed that I wasn't sleeping (damn stress-induced insomnia) and I have a f'ing sinus infection to boot.

This morning I had a breakthrough after working with another person at my company who uses this software. (Even though this software provides a great deal more interactivity and functionality than the powerpoint on crack version currently pushed as the 'corporate solution' the organization can't support it because they have had to cut resources and they feel that the powerpoint on crack version is just fine.) I was jazzed to get working on storyboards and ready to get moving on programming until I just opened my email.

Apparently the company who sold me the software sent me the latest and greatest version and they can't be certain ti will work with our newly upgraded LMS. This is a snippet from the email I just rec'd from the internal contact:

Officially, it's unsupported by us so (if ) you have problem, you're on yourown.Also, 2008 is not approved by IT to work at (insert companyname).

Sorry for the tough love but it has to be that way . . .

OK. I get that it isn't their problem that the software company sent me the wrong version but I am just pissed. There is some history with this 'support' group that gets my hackles up, namely that we are a Fortune 100 company who should be on the leading curve of learning solutions not back in the dark ages. Instead of being forward thinking and determining that they need to justify the business need for supporting this software in the organization they tell us that it isn't supported (not just the 2008 version but any version). Screw you. I don't expect to hand hold me and help me through the problem but the email felt more like a slap in the face than I needed today.

My response back was not nice. It wasn't directed at them but more at the fact that if they have another contact other than the person who approved this version in the first place to please let me know the name so I can contact him/her and get his resolved. My job is seriously on the line. You may think I am exaggerating but my team has once again been moved into yet another part of the company and I have a project due for my boss' boss in a couple weeks.

I cannot deal with this and feel like I am going to explode. I know I am being overly sensitive but when I feel like my job is already on the line and then I get an email like this I just feel like I could cry. This is when I wish I wasn't the primary breadwinner in the family and could roll with whatever is going to come my way without worrying that I might be out of a job.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Found this on Sarah's site. While it worked for her I am apparnently in the wrong field. I went in and took the quiz a again chosing my 'second choice' and this time it came back with You Should Be a Teacher. A bit more appropriate to my current job.

You Should Be a Doctor

You are practical, sharp, and very intuitive.Optimistic and energetic, you are a problem solver who doesn't get discouraged easily.You are also quite compassionate and caring. You make people feel hopeful.You're highly adaptable and capable. You do well with almost any curve ball life throws at you.

You do best when you:

- Are always learning new subjects- Use your knowledge to solve problems

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Until daylight savings kicks in I have a couple of hours between when Ms. Claire goes down and my bed time. Instead of sitting like a lump in front of the TV I decided to start another craft project.

And of course, instead of taking things slow I want to jump in head first and create a semi-complicated (read complicated for me) bear for someone who will be having a baby later this year. I also want to crochet a new scarf for next year and perhaps a baby blanket for someone else who is having a baby later this year.

I went to Joanne Fabrics yesterday over lunch to check out yarn for the bear project. I left without buying anything. I was very frustrated. I could not for the life of me find the weights they have listed for the pattern in the book I am using. Urgh. I must be an idiot but all I could find was #4. Being a novice (and being on my lunch hour) I didn't waste time asking one of the ladies working where I could find what I wanted. I think I will try again when I have a bit more time and patience.

So, last night I decided for the heckuvit I would just try to make the bear using their instructions but using the yarn I already have and maybe it will work out OK. I think it will. It just won't look exactly like the bear in the book. Since the baby who will get this gift won't know the difference will it really matter? I can tackle the 'advanced' version when I can find the right damn yarn.

I asked Pete if I could start hosting some Stitch-N-Bitch sessions at the house. I love the idea of people getting together to chit-chat and work on projects at the same time. This might actually help me finish a project on time too! But, other than my sister and perhaps Michelle I don't know anyone on the east side who would be interested. Anyone know any knitters and/or crocheters who would want to participate?

Friday, January 18, 2008

Not sure if this is going to come through or not. If not, click here to get to the article and link to the audio slideshow. It made me happy and sad at the same time. I have spent many hours in this place over the years but since Ms. C came along I have only been once. I'm losing my edge.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Whew. I am in a much better place today. The last few days have been emotional roller coasters. As of Friday of last week all I wanted to do was quit my damn job and run for the hills, sans hubby and child. By this morning at 10am I have returned to a better place and feel like I can take on the world again.

FridayMy day job was really getting me down. We're tasked with a lot of great stuff but lack the leader to really take things anywhere. It's tough to be tasked with creating a communications plan when there are people on the team that can't f'in communicate with anyone. I have to chose my words carefully here in case someone should ever stumble upon this little blog. The idea of creating said communication plan is wonderful. I would LOVE to do this. But when I begin to work towards this goal I immediately become disheartened. Why? Because it will be ripped apart and made into something a certain person on my team wants, no matter what I do. It takes the drive right out of me. This is the same experience I have when creating new training materials. By the time I left work on Friday I had seriously had it. I wanted nothing to do with this company. I cruised home early so we could get in the car and fly out of town.

We drove to my old home town for my dad's retirement party. (I haven't been back to town since my parents moved 5 years ago!) As I am driving I kept asking myself how my dad managed to stay at the same company for 35+ years. How did he keep himself from not telling them to take a hike? My dad and I have similar tempers and I know he has had some 'interesting' conversations with his management in the past. How in the world did he keep his mouth shut? And can I get myself to do the same? Can I find a way to just let go and report to work with the same drive and energy when I feel like I have no recourse? After the two hour drive down I still didn't have any answers. However, I think I found part of the answer at the party. Friends from the days when my dad was a line supervisor were there. Friends who I have known since I was an infant. And the stories! It was great to see these folks again and to hear them share story after story about good times. It dawned on me that my dad had a core group of guys who he started with and they remained close no matter what town we lived in or where they were in the 'chain of command'. With that network you can handle a lot of shit that rolls your way.

On the way home we ran into an ice storm that had cars in ditches left and right and me behind the wheel, white-knuckled and swearing like a sailor with both of the girls in the car. Pete finally had to take over driving when I damn near slid into another car in front of us.

SaturdayI was paid for only 2 hours of work when in reality I worked for 5 hours. There was a miscommunication between my client and I regarding the wedding. It all worked out in the end and I'll chalk this up to another learning experience on my part. I was very glad to be a part of this person's special day so I'm not too upset about it in the grand scheme of things but it did teach me that I need to be clearer about what I will be doing and why you are paying me.

SundayPete went to help my dad move a bunch of stuff for his new stained glass business and was gone from 9a-7p. No biggie. Jordan was home and could help with Claire later in the day when my photo shoot arrived.

Well... Ms. Claire apparently had stomach cramps (who knows - she can't tell me) and was crying from 11:45am - 3pm. And I'm not exaggerating. She was really crying the whole time. I finally had to wake Jordan up at 2-freaking-pm because I needed to eat something. Claire finally went down for a very short nap around 3pm. Pete called to say he would be late. My client called and said she would be late. OK. I can deal with that, Jordan said she would stay to help with Claire.

My client finally showed up about 3 hours after initially planned. Oddly enough, this is when things started to get a little better in my small world. We ended up having a blast with the shoot but I was stressing as Claire needed a bath and we have a bit of routine we go through and it was all out whack. Pete took the lead and gave Claire her bath, got her ready for bed and by the time my client left we were back into the swing of things.

MondayI returned to work determined to put a new face on things. I will find a way to be a good employee. I need this job too damn much.

I had a meeting with a guy in another department at 9am. He is a trainer in a business unit. By the end of the meeting I found the thing I have been seeking for nearly a year and a half. A group of people who think like me, do the same type of job and want to work to make things better. I am now networked in with other trainers who meet on a regular basis outside of their normal job duties to share ideas and talk about how we can leverage the platforms available to us and each other. We're also thinking about creating a consortium to help with a new platform that launched but has no support. I can't believe how much energy I have gotten from this 1 hour conversation. I can't wait to tap into the brain power of these people and have their support when I need to brainstorm about challenges that I face.

Thank goodness. I don't want to be sad coming to work and stressing about how I am going to make ends meet if I go somewhere else.

My learnings from this crazy weekend? 1. Do NOT overbook yourself. I seriously can't do this anymore2. Wait. Be patient. It will get better.3. Be happy this is all I have to worry about.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Every since becoming a mom I've realized it really can be a little thing happening to change or make your day. As I mentioned in my last post we've been a sick house the last few days. I am finally on the mend and am now able to appreciate those small things again.

Today's highlight - seeing Claire use her hands to roll the two tone ball on her exersaucer and try to reach for the purple rectangle moving thingy. It's like I can see the synapsis firing. Way cool to watch. If I'm this excited about her figuring out what these two appendages can really do what am I going to be like when she takes her first step!

Friday, January 04, 2008

Took a bit of a hiatus from blogging the last couple of weeks. The holiday season is busy enough and learning how to haul another person along and work with her schedule wore me out. I am now battling a serious head cold and had the stomach flu the Friday after Christmas. Just getting out of bed was enough for a while.

Now that I am back at work and staring at my 2008 goal list I have begun procrastinating and have jumped back on the blogging bandwagon.

2008 is going to be an interesting year here at the big corporation. We learned at the end of 2007 that our team would be moved to another staff group. Again. In my short tenure with this joint I have reported to three different groups. While this move makes wonderful sense as we will now be part of Legal it scares me a bit.... There are NO trainers in Legal. None. Nada. Zilch. The atty's either do it themselves or they buy it off the shelf and push it out to the company. My boss tells me I am a-OK and shouldn't worry about being canned. But what the hell is he supposed to say? 'Yeah, you might be out of a job but keep working your tail off because I still have to meet my expectations?' Of course he is going to tell me I'm going to be safe. I've heard that before.

So I have updated my resume and continue to keep trucking along on the projects I have while hoping that my boss' new boss decides that not only does he need a trainer but that there is other work I could be doing for him. I really need this job security since I am the primary breadwinner, holder of family insurance and financial planner for the family.

On a more happy note, my photo biz has been picking up. I did a shoot over the holidays, have one scheduled for tomorrow (twin boys less than a month old!), one for next week and a wedding and headshots next weekend. To reward myself I went out and purchased a light meter. I can't wait to try it out tomorrow on the twins!

Pete indulged my new past time (which has lapsed the last few weeks) and bought me the Stitch & Bitch Crochet Happy Hooker. I was flipping through and can't wait to tackle some of the cool stuff she has in here, especially the bear and the purses. What fun! I am not particularly fast but it gives me something to do on cold nights when I'm not running around outside.

OK. Enough procrastinating. For someone who needs to make sure she keeps her job I need to get my ass in gear and get back to work!