(Closed) DH has been lying to me . . . :-(

Recently (or perhaps longer) Darling Husband has been lying to me about matters involving his family. Since getting married, there has been some tension between DH’s loyalty to me and his loyalty to his family. He tells me that he feels like his “stuck in the middle” and “just can’t keep everyone happy”, especially when it comes to pressures his mother & sister put on him, and pressures that I put on him. I had had a conversation with Darling Husband a few weeks ago about the time, effort, thought, and money that he had spent on his sister’s birthday, and how I felt that my birthday was a last minute thing (it was) and that while I was trying not to compare I did feel jealous of the time, effort, attention, etc. when there was such a big difference between the birthdays. I felt that DH’s explanation was satisfactory and helped me to look at it objectively, I got over it quickly and moved on, the air was clear as far as I was concerned.

When Darling Husband was going on an international business flight recently, I asked him if he wanted me to come to the airport to give him a send-off (because I knew his family liked to do this) and he told me no, that would be too hectic, he just wanted to prepare. Later, I picked up his phone to turn off its alarm and (yes, I know this was bad) looked at his texts. I saw that his mom and sis had come to give him a send off, and that he had known they were coming. He never told me about it.

When he came back from the trip, he brought me a few small gifts for our anniversary. I was happy about them and thanked him. Later, I accidentally knocked over a satchel when I was moving things around cleaning, and I saw a bag full of gifts that I had never seen before. Later, when we were visiting his parents, I saw the satchel empty and asked him what had been in it. He was frustrated and defensive, and said it was a leather bag for his sis. He did not mention the other items that had been in the bag. I later learned (again, I looked at his texts, this time deliberately) that his sister had received the other gifts as well. I asked him why he had tried to hide it from me, and he said he had intended to tell me about it later. He never, ever owned up to the other items, which his sis said she had received. Finally, I confronted him on it and said I’d read the text. I am really, really hurt that he has lied to me. I would rather have us deal with things proactively as a couple than take the “secrets and lies” shortcut, and that’s what it seems has been happening. DH finally owned up to it after I told him I’d read the text, and he’s obviously angry that I read his texts. He says he’s resorted to hiding things b/c I just don’t understand his realtionship with his family, but that I really am priority. I know he wants me to think that, and I hope it’s true. I know he’s at least willing to work on it, but the fact that he and his sister have been keeping secrets from me is not good and is evidence of her being top priority above the marriage, in my books.

Any thoughts on how to deal with this? DH’s mixed loyalties has made me insecure at times, and I realize that I could be contributing to the problem. For me, the most difficult part is the feeling (which I’ve had for a while) that Darling Husband is hiding things from me with his sister. A lot of her communications with him are designed to make him feel guilty (i.e., “I’m going to the beach but won’t get in the wanter unless my big bother is there” and “now that you’re married I don’t have anyone to go on holiday with, and no, I won’t go with people other than family!”) but she seems to manipulate him successfully which is really tough for me.

@Miss Mochaccino: I am a firm believer that actions speak louder than words. He can tell you that you are his priority until the cows come home but he sure isn’t acting like it. I wouldn’t play second to anyone, let alone a mother and sister. Something feels wrong about that. I have three brothers and they love me very much. Never would they choose to have me go to the airport rather than their partners; never would they spend more on me than their partners; and never would they make their partners feel like they come second to our family.

Personally, I would be really pissed and I wouldn’t tolerate it. I feel I will probably stand alone here, but that’s okay. I understand that gifts are not a measure of love, but the effort and thought that he is willing to put forth on his sister and mother that he is not willing to expend on you is concerning. Was he like this before you married him? I think it’s time for him to cut the apron strings and focus on his own family – his wife.

I think that you should be happy that he is so loyal to his family. After all, they have been there with him for his entire life. So I think you should be more understanding of their close relationship.

I also think that he should make some adjustments in how he balances his family and marriage. He need to put the marriage first, and start shifting his behavior. I do not think there is anything wrong with buying gifts for his family (unless you guys can’t afford it). But, I do think that he needs to let you know what he’s buying.

@Miss Mochaccino: You and your husband have created a NEW family. Together. Not with each other and his sister and his mom. It’s very nice and sweet that he cares about his family enough to purchase gifts for them, but it’s *really* weird that he’s buying you “small gifts” and then bringing home a leather tote (AND MORE!) for his sister.

You guys may need to talk to a counselor. Obviously he wants to be close to his family, and that’s great, but there IS a middle ground here. Talking to a professional can help you guys see each other’s point of view and come to terms with how to compromise and both feel comfortable.

I agree, you need better boundaries. You are his WIFE. He can love them and honor them too but you need to come first and lying about putting you first (when you feel he isn’t) is completely unacceptable.

@Miss Mochaccino: As a woman who is super close to her family and has an FH who is super close to his family, I would be angry too! Your husband has truly blurred some boundaries here. He should inform you of purchases and definitely not have them see him off to the airport without you. You need to let him know how you feel and request counseling. What’s going to happen if/when you have kids? Will they come third? Will his neices/nephews be more important than his children? I don’t like it at all. You have to nip it now.

I think you have placed him between a rock and a hard place. I think you have put him in a position where he is forced to lie-even if it is a lie of omission. I’m not saying it is right for him to lie, but he may feel that he has no other choice.

I suggest you examine your own feelings to see if you can figure out why you think he cannot love you all. Just as parents have enough love for any number of children, so too can he love the family who raised him, and his wife.

Distance is what has helped our relationship in that respect. Being further away from his family forces him to concentrate on OUR family. I also use the word family to refer to us a lot, reinforcing the idea that the two of us (and the dog!) are our own new little family.

He was never that bad, but I still struggle a little with how he’s always looking for things to buy for his mom or his brother and sister in law when we’re on vacation. Or his best (female) friend and her daughter – who I am also good friends with, but we have a niece, too, what about her?. AND DUDE I’M RIGHT HERE. I’ve discussed it calmly with him, and he for real feels like he does enough for me every day, that he doesn’t need to get me little trinkets to show that he loves me. I guess it’s true that he mows the lawn and rubs my back and makes me dinner, but I’d also like a stupid shot glass, you know? He also claims that I just buy everything for myself so he feels like he doesn’t need to.

So – maybe your husband feels the same way. But you two still need to focus on making your family your #1 priority, and if you’re going to purchase gifts for other family members, agree on a budget and include your parents and siblings, too. Insist on being involved! “Let me know what you find for your sister so we can pick it out together, but surprise me with something.”

To me it sounds like he really wants to have a relationship with his family but because of tension between you and your feelings towards his family, he has to hide it. And that is sad. Having a relationship with his family doesn’t mean he’s more loyal to them. I don’t have the best of relationships with DH’s side of the family and for the life of me sometimes I don’t understand why he keeps in contact with them after some of the things they have done…but that’s his choice. The day my husband felt like he had to hide his relationship with his family would be a sad day for me.

Do you think it’s a possibility he is preferring to be around them right now because you create too much tension with your feelings about the situation? Heaven knows I’ve had my bad days/weeks/months where I’m sure Darling Husband would love nothing more than to pack up and head over to his family’s for a bit until I returned to the nice calm level headed woman that he married. lol

Usually I’d focus on how it isn’t right of you to look at his phone without permission. Seriously, stop that. It will undermine your argument (and you’ll come off as jealous, controlling, and snoopy)

However, the fact that his sister gets better treatment than you (and he lied about the airport send off thing) is jsut bizarre. He has got some boundary issues for sure.

No matter what it’s about, there’s never an excuse for lying. And I never EVER want to hear “yeah, but she drove him to it because she wants things he doesn’t want!” That’s BS. If he wants his sister and mom to be there but not you, he needs to have the balls to say so. If he wants to get you tiny little gifts, and save his money for leather purses for his sister, he needs to be able to own that. Why can’t he? Because he knows there’s something weird/wrong about that. Not just because he thinks you won’t like it, but because he knows he can’t justify it.

How do you handle finances? Normally I believe in to each their own style of finances, but if you’re sharing finances, yet he’s splurging and hiding it, that’s not cool. So maybe set a budget that includes shared savings plus splurge money. Maybe he’ll decide not to spend as much on his sister when it comes to either he packs a lunch every day or he buys her some gifts. And talk to a counselor about how you do not feel you are first in his life when he equates gifts with love but doesn’t shower you with gifts then.

Where is your husband’s dad? And this sister, is she really young? It almost sounds as if it used to be just him, his mother and his sister, and now that he’s married, they lost “the man of the house”. *?* Could it be a cultural thing?

This is so weird..is there more info that you didn’t include? As it stands, it seems that he has an oddly close relatipnship with his sister. I can’t imagine my SO or any married man I know putting his sister so far ahead of his wife in such a lying, sneaky way.