What to Do When the Relationship Is Great but the Sex Isn't

In an ideal relationship, you and your partner are compatible both physically and emotionally. But if you have a lackluster sex life while everything else is great, can what's lacking physically be made up for emotionally? And how much better can the sex get?

Prettyfrustratedtw is dealing with this issue right now. Her boyfriend is "extremely kind, thoughtful, and respectful" but has some insecurities that prevent him from wanting sex often, and on top of that, he struggles with premature ejaculation. Can relationships like this survive?

According to sex therapist Vanessa Marin, it all comes down to how willing you and your partner are to work on it. If you both are, there's usually something that can be done. And if one of you isn't, your relationship probably has bigger problems than sex.

Licensed marriage and family therapist and sex therapist Marissa Nelson says her clients usually see improvements if both partners are willing to open up about their sexual concerns and work through them as a team. Some people will avoid the issue altogether because they don't want to hurt their partners' feelings, and then they often end up avoiding sex itself.

There are all sorts of larger problems that can lead to sexual dissatisfaction, like emotional disconnect, body image issues, stress, and performance anxiety. Experts say that by talking about sexual problems within in your relationship or in therapy, couples can get to the heart of what's underlying them.

Some helpful topics of discussion for couples who want to improve their sex lives, says Nelson, are "what they would want more of out in their sex life, what turns them on about their partner, what turns them off, how they prefer sex to be initiated, what goals they want for their sexual life together, and what each are willing to do and give to work on this." Another good question for couples to ask each other is: "If I assure you that it's safe to confide in me, what are the top three things about our sex life that you would share with me?"

Nelson recommends you devote a month to rediscovering your sexual relationship and trying new things. Remember there are no rules—for example, intercourse doesn't necessarily have to be the main event, and orgasms don't have to happen every time. Be creative and explore things you might've been afraid to try, and your sex life may hold more possibilities than you imagined.