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Monday, March 28, 2011

its been the kind of day where
1. i decide to skip my Zofran because of the horrid side effects.
2. I splatter paint all over myself while closing a paint can.
3. I smoosh my MP3 player ear buds with my foot.
4. Austin spills dirt on my freshly mopped floor.
5. The baby dissolves into tears at the slightest provocation.
6. Its cold and rainy outside. Again. For the zillionth day in a row.

But, its also been a day where I listened to this for a good 10 minutes.

Sorry you can't actually see the BPM. I was trying to record it with my phone AND keep the Doppler in the perfect position. (If you desperately want to know, the heart rate was in the 180s.)

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Scars are interesting things. They tell stories of our wounds. They remind us of mistakes or hurts. They almost always stay with us our entire lives.

I don't have pretty scars. In fact, I scar really badly. They are always puffy, huge, and just generally icky looking. My stretch marks, (which are really scars) are the perfect example. Deep, puffy, and colorful.

One time, back in high school, I cut myself on a spring that came out of my parents couch. It cut the fleshy part of the back of my upper arm. It hurt, and it bled a tiny bit, but nothing that needed stitches and it was easily taken care of with a few band aids. It healed in a week or so. I STILL have a MASSIVE scar from that. Its still puffy, very pink, and, actually, its still tender.

My c/s scar is another example. A few of my friends have mentioned that their c/s scars have faded away. My c/s was over 6 years ago. The edges have faded but the center is still puffy, pink, and slightly painful if pressed/kicked/hit/shaved.

When I first had my c/s, it was very painful. The incision hurt like heck for a long time. Eventually, it stopped hurting so bad all of the time. It only hurt when I was on my stomach or did sit ups. Then, it stopped hurting unless I poked my incision site. Now, its only painful if it has direct contact with something sharp or hard.

It seems like my grief from losing all of our babies is similar. At first, it hurt all of the time. It hurt badly all. of. the. time. Then, after a little while, I would go a few days with out it crippling me. Then, a few weeks. Now, it seems it only creeps in when I come in direct contact with something hard.

I used to think that getting pregnant post-miscarriage and having a live baby would relieve my grief. But, unfortunately, it doesn't. It helps fade my scars, and it keeps me from thinking about them all of the time. But, those puffy, pink, deep scars will be with me the rest of my life.

You wouldn't think my own pregnancy would trigger grief and sadness. But, it does. When I look at the ultrasounds of our new precious baby, I'm reminded off all of the babies we never got to see. All of the babies we never got to hear heartbeats from. All of the babies we grieved over. All of the babies that are missing from our family.

So it seems, right now, something hard is pressing into my scars, and it hurts.

Isaiah 53:4-5

Surely He has borne our griefs Andcarried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken,Smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

You're 6 today! Its hard for me to believe, as it is every year it seems, that you are another year older! Not just a preschooler anymore, you are a little lady.

I still like to think about you like this.

While you are still rather tiny, you have grown into a beautiful girl. One who has my eye color, but generally still looks like a girl version of daddy.

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At 6, you :

*love Kindergarten. You get sad when you have to miss for a dr. appointment or if you are sick.

*are still a bit anxious about things. If something doesn't go according to "plan" you tend to obsess over it.

*are very independant. You always have been, but this year it seems like you've become even more independent.

*are a leader. During your birthday party, just a few days ago, you were bossing your friends around. I asked you not to be too bossy, and one of your friends said "that's okay. Olivia's always the boss when we play." Its sort of funny to think about you being the boss of all of your friends when you are so little compared to them. I guess you have to make up for your size in personality.

*weigh 33 pounds and are 41 inches tall. Still a little petite thing. Its still hard to find you clothes, but you often wear them for more than one season. That part is nice. :)

*have a love/hate relationship with your middle brother. A can sometimes be your bestie, and other times it seems like you can't get along. I guess that's par for the course for being 16 months apart...

*love to read chapter books. We just finished The Little House on the Prairie for the second time. You love to read and you love to be read to.

*are all about the rules. Everyone.must.follow.the.rules.

*are so loved. By Mommy and Daddy, and by your brothers.

I look forward to what God has in store for you this year, baby girl. We love you. Happy 6th birthday!

About me

I'm a 32 year old mother and birth doula, and I've been a wife to my high school sweetheart, E, for 12 years. I'm also a mommy to many sweet, precious babies.
E and I have O, who is a tiny princess of 10 yrs (who has growth hormone deficiency), A, our little crazy man of 8 years, and our miracle baby I who is 5 years, and sweet little E, who is 3.
After having A, I developed secondary recurrent miscarriage. We had one miscarriage before A was concieved, and 5 after he was born. I is baby number 9, who, thankfully, made it to 37 weeks!
We just had another blessing join our family, sweet Eliza Claire (My MSPI baby). Praise God for his faithfulness!