With spring break approaching, it’s important to remember to stay safe while drinking away the stress of your academic responsibilities. This includes hydrating regularly, re-applying sunscreen every few hours, and, if you plan on spending your week in Las Vegas, buying a hazmat suit complete with an indestructible chastity belt.

“Why do we need to shield our genitals, Lucky Jo? Isn’t the point of spring break to drink pretentious brightly colored cocktails and have loads of sex with exotic strangers?”

Excellent question, my promiscuous friend. Unfortunately, the reason you’re going to want to opt out of too much Vegas bangin’ is because the town is currently suffering from a bonafide syphilis outbreak. You remember syphilis, right? The STD that, if untreated, can cause long term consequences including but not limited to brain damage, vision loss, heart disease, and mental detonation? That rooftop pool bar is suddenly sounding a bit less entertaining, huh?

Health officials say the rate of syphilis in Las Vegas is now fully double the national average, and that there has been a 128% increase since 2012. The disease rates has apparently continued to climb with little hope for decline, with the majority of diagnoses belong to men. Big fucking shock there.

So there you have it. Nevada is officially the victim of a the sexual equivalent of armageddon, and nothing is sacred anymore. If you have plans to attend the aptly-named Sin City for your spring getaway, I might suggest that you keep your legs tightly closed with a force similar to that of a steel bear trap. And if you happen to meet Channing Tatum’s identical twin and can’t contain your burning loins, for the love of God, wear a condom.

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Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.