A blog about the Big Four of the English Premier League

My Summer Wish List

Maddy’s Note: I am really tickled at some of the responses I got to this post. I have been accused of being shit, being scum, being an untrue fan, being a closet spud and other such unspeakable things. The Manc on this site is laughing his backside off because him and people who know me are often rendered speechless at the levels to which I go to defend Arsene Wenger and his policies. In my eyes, the man can do no wrong. So just to give you some heads up and make it clear at the very outset, this piece is entirely sarcastic. There.

Clearly this Arsenal side is woefully short on quality, quantity and height. If we are to win the league make Europe next season, it is imperative we make some massive buys. We all saw what happened to Liverpool right? City came into the scene, splashed a few dozen gazillion pounds and Voila! Champions League football baby! Tottenham are surely going to do the same this summer. They’ve apparently submitted a copy of their latest DVD which they released yesterday, commemorating their win in the NLD, as security to the banks which are now willing to lend them the equivalent of Sheikh Mansour Bin Zayed Al Nahyan’s daily toilet paper expense (before you scoff, his toilet paper is allegedly made of diamond encrusted platinum sheets, and the good Sheikh is a fan of fine dining).

What follows is my wish list; the people I’d like to see come and play for Arsenal next season, and I think the Arsenal Staff and players can be glad I’m not Ivan Gazidis because if I were, the rug under their feet would’ve been jerked out faster than you can say Sheikh Mansour Bin Zayed Al Nahyan.

Manager – Senile crazy old penny pinching Frenchman’s got to go. He’s ruining the reputation and standards of this club with his Economist Ideology. If he wanted to save cash, he ought to have been the president of Iceland or Somalia or something. What we need is young fresh blood. Renegade maverick media whore Portuguese might just be the answer to our quandary. Verdict; Wenger Out, Mourinho In

Goalkeeper – Almunia has singlehandedly lost us around 20 points this season, raped Nasri’s girlfriend and hypnotized Eduardo into thinking he’s Cinderella. Fabianski is even worse and Mannone has a terrible nose. I’d get Shay Given for 1st choice, Gigi Buffon of 2006 for back up and Iker Casillas for reserve

Defense – Sagna can’t cross for shit. I hear even to get to the other side he has to hold the hands of the famous chicken which keeps crossing the road for some reason. Maicon and Ashley Cole back please. Campbell is 90, Gallas’ head is too shiny, Kranjcar is likely to pip Vermaelen to signing of the season and Djourou doesn’t have a knee. I want Carlos Puyol, Brede Hangeland, Richard Dunne, those two blokes from Birmingham who kept so many clean sheets, Gerrard Pique and Chris Smalling as back up for John Terry and Rio Ferdinand. God knows we could use some English grit. I really hope we keep Silvestre though. He’s an asset.

Midfield – Nasri, Cesc, Ramsey, Arshavin, Rosicky, Diaby, Eboue, Song, Denilson, Wilshere, Merida; Fire the lot of them. To put our pathetic situation into perspective, the best of them; Cesc, couldn’t make Barcelona’s first team however hard he tried so you can imagine. Wouldn’t you salivate at the thought of Messi, Ronaldo, Xavi, Iniesta, Platini and Zidane wearing the cannon on their chest? Of course we have to buy Kranjcar from the Spuds, naturally.

Forwards – Eduardo of course thinks he is as dainty as Cinderella, van Persie IS (I mean, come on, the guy has rubber bands for ligaments), Bendtner can score only against teams like Porto and Burnley and promptly goes off to give an interview about how he is Maradona reincarnate (I know he’s still alive but, you get the message). We have to get proven goal scorers; people who’ve made the difference for their teams this season. I’d go for Darren Bent and Bobby Zamora. I hear Rooney might be a wee bit expensive for us.

Medical Team – I tell you these Lewinses; useless nitwits the bunch of them. Gary couldn’t do squat and Colin is worse. Get the Placenta Lady for Chief Medical Officer and maybe Jenna Jameson Florence Nightingale for nurse.

Now with THAT squad, we surely could protect fourth spot.

If on reading the above article you nodded your head sagely in agreement, FUCK OFF! What are you doing not playing Football Manager? While I’m certainly not saying things are perfect, there’s still a reason why Arsene is the manager of Arsenal Football Club and not you. It’s because he’s better at it than you. He knows the situation we’re in best and if he thinks we need players, then and only then do we need players. So go back to your computers, I hear Barcelona has this new wunderkid in year 2019 and you can get him for dirt cheap.

For the rest of you sane chaps, this Chamakh character seems interesting doesn’t he?

Forget about whether we need changes, I don’t really agree Maddy with the democracy part. Consider an actual democracy. Just because you voted for the govt that was formed doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t question what it does. It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t hold a view which is contrary to the govts about its choices or course of action. And it most definitely doesn’t mean that you are not a true believer or a loyalist if you differ.

Wenger is a man. He is not god. He is as fallible as the rest of us. He has as many quirks as the rest of us and is as obstinate as any intellectual is about his views. Doesn’t mean that he is never wrong. And none of this detracts from the fact that he is an awesome manager.

There are two things to note here.

1) The fans actually look out for the club. Even those who say we need to buy. The ultimate aim is not just to create art but to win as well. Arsenal as a big club deserves that. Wenger is trying one route to achieving success. The fans suggest another. If the system in place has not done the trick for 5 years, then it needs to be worked on. While this does not mean an overhaul is necessary, some tweaking is a must.

2) No one can ever presume to know what is best for the club. Not Wenger, not the board and not the fans. Knowledge about the complete situation will enable you to make a better choice, but here again any choice made is made based on priorities. For a fan, the priority is to win and it is purely along a footballing perspective. Next comes financial stability. This doesn’t mean that financial stability is unimportant. It just is that winning means more. The board and Wenger have been quoted repeatedly as saying that winning along with security is the priority. There in lies the difference in perspective.

Being convinced by a view doesn’t mean that an open mind can’t be had. It may be that Wenger might splurge this time around. It may also be that he might stick to his guns and win next season. And Maddy, I assure you, the same fans who wanted to spend, will concede then that Arsene indeed knew better and savour the victory as much as anyone else would.

you are a piece of shit you are not a true fan you should be a fan of real madrid they are sspending money and buying a bunch of stars but the game is not only about these star players its also about the team… arsenal just needs some add ons this year they were amazing to have reached the 3 rd position even though they couldnt go for the 1 one when they got the chance. Wenger is a crazy old men yeah but he is managing arsenal and you are here he knows what he is doing and i have faith in him even though i question him sometimes too. The players we need are just some defenders and one and only one player for each of the other positions, so a striker and a midfielder(lets hope that wilshere is good enough to play and we dont need to buy any one else), to have a bigger variety of players to be able to change the system of our play and to let the others rest, the goalkeeper is probably another weakness of our team but lets hope we can get somebody
to summarize it is true that we need a player for every position, and wee need to buy a lot but hey next year we are going to win the premier league and the champions league thats my opininion and hope fabregas never leaves:D

Well Zsombee, That is precisely what I’m saying. I was being sarcastic when i said we need all these players. I have complete faith in our current squad and i don’t think we need to buy even one more player for each position.

Hmmm, that’s the only place where you could be mistaken in thinking I’m serious.

But then again. almost everyone’s been guilty of howlers this season. Reina, Cech, Hilario etc. However, I’ll admit Almunia’s been guilty of a few too many. Still, I think he can be good on his day (Barca and West Ham) and don;t think there are any realistic replacements available cheap.

Haha I liked the article. I’m sick of fucked up fans telling wenger to go and acting like they know who to buy becuz they are pros at FIFA 10. I tell those fans to fuck off becuz i like arsenal and wengrr just the way they are: young and hungry for more and enjoy playing good football rather than a huge salary

lol
Captain : Spanish Schmuck without whom we wouldn’t have countless hounding by the media. Better to sell him off to stop these controversies and buy a spanish ballerina who wont get injured that much out there.

I’m really sorry for u man. I can see people who dint get your sarcasm.. I’m not an arsenal fan or wenger fan either..but wat u said is completely right.. just buying players and changing managers will not make a good team. have faith and good luck for next year.

I completely agree with what Harish has to say, this team is good but just not good enough to compete against the bigger clubs, some changes are certainly necessary for Arsenal to win the league next season.