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The Abbreviated List of Unreasonable Things I Have Anxiety About When I Run Out of Realistic Fears to Fret Over

Allison here, your local teen with an overactive imagination.

When I walk into a familiar public bathroom, say in a school building I frequent on a regular basis, I’ll fail to check the sign on the door labeling the gender and the male and female rooms will have been switched since my last use of said bathroom and I will unknowingly be using the men’s room.

Calculus II will suddenly begin to involve such difficult mathematics that I won’t be able to complete my homework assignments, I’ll fail the course, and I’ll have to switch majors and my dreams of becoming a chemist will be dashed by my inability to solve a definite integral.

The law of gravity might suddenly reverse and if I am outside I will be sent careening into outer space unless I grab onto a nearby tree or telephone pole.

I’ll die alone with 8 cats, surrounded by tuna fish and poorly knit sweaters, and when my corpse is discovered by my neighbor, my house will be repossessed by the government and turned into a meat packing factory.

I’ll have developed a severe peanut allergy since I had last consumed the legume and I’ll go into anaphylactic shock but I won’t be equipped with epinephrine due to the fact that I have literally never experienced an allergic reaction to food once in my life.

I’ll discover in the middle of an important job interview that I accidentally put on two different shoes when getting dressed that morning.

My cat won’t sleep in my bed because she actually does hate me and thus I am failing her as an adopted mother and it’s not that she’s ignoring me simply because she’s a cat and cats have never cared about human emotion since the beginning of their existence as a species.