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Worthless Guide to Monsters: Bigfoot

It’s
surprising how many people actually believe in Bigfoot. They believe
that he exists, they believe actual recordings have been made of him,
and many of them claim to have seen him snowboarding in the mountains
or something.

And while the vast majority of these claims are likely
just the insane ramblings of pie-eyed Catskill degenerates, I’m still
going to write this article about Bigfoot. It isn’t often that the
ideas of hill-folk are taken seriously, so I figured I might as well
give them a shot. So now: Bigfoot.

Science

Whoa,
whoa, whoops. It looks like I accidentally typed the word “Science” up
there in the heading. My mistake. I think what I actually meant to
write was “Unsubstantiated word-of-mouth testimony from
mentally perturbed Cat Ladies and ridiculous pseudoscientific
studies published
by grizzled old prospectors with little to no scientific background or
accreditation”. Yeah, that must’ve been it, because I’m sure as hell
wouldn’t even come close to describing any of the “evidence” of
Bigfoot’s existence as scientific.

In fact, Bigfoot reminds me
a lot of the Loch Ness Monster in this way. Most of the weirdoes who
spent their high school years playing pen and paper H.P.
Lovecraft role playing games alone in basements will skip college and
immediately grow a huge white beard and move on to “researching”
Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster while occasionally sticking their hand
down their sweatpants and then pulling it out to sniff it. This crap
must be ingrained in white trash DNA or something.

But
yeah, you’ll find no science here; just the pungent aroma of loneliness
and a mild to moderate (but mostly harmless) dementia.

Evidence

Oh please. Here’s all they’ve got:

Grainy Video of Tall Clumsy Guy in Cheap Ape Suit Walking Around

Everyone has seen this stupid video. Bigfoot walks from left to right across the
frame, glances at the camera like “What?” and then continues on his
way.

It was always funny to me the way he walks. It’s like the guy in
the suit made an artistic decision that it would be far too obvious to
pretend be ape-like, so instead, he walks normally. So instead of
some sinister ape creature huffing through the forest we get a Bigfoot
who strolls deliberately across the frame like Al Gore
heading to pick up a Frisbee somebody just threw over his head.

Some People Who Said They Saw One

As
with all of the other monster sightings throughout the history of
mankind, there isn’t really much to be said about this evidence.

A
bunch of washed-up hippies in the woods drank too much, ate some
mushrooms, and claimed to have seen a monkey monster. Yeah that’ll hold
up in court.

Recordings of Animal Sounds

I
actually found a Bigfoot site which has compiled all of the supposed
Bigfoot sounds, but I’m not going to post them here for a couple of
reasons. The first is that the site which hosts the sounds is one of
those fourteen-year-old Geocities pages
with a black background and impossible-to-read green text, so
obviously I can’t imbed any of them here.

The second reason I won’t
post them here is because it would be a waste of everyone’s time. If
you really want to hear animals howling in the wilderness while some
shirtless drunk guy with a wild beard and a tape recorder rambles on
about Bigfoot, I would suggest that you go camping with my dad
sometime. But I wouldn't waste your time listening to these sounds.

Pop Culture & Destruction

I guess I’m
supposed to talk about famous Bigfoots in popular culture
and how to kill a Bigfoot in these two final sections, but I don’t
really much point in doing that.

The only popular Bigfoot I
can think of was Harry from Harry & The Hendersons (a show in which
a family hits a Bigfoot with their station wagon and decides to bring
him home to live with them), but I think I’ll save that gold mine of
ridiculousness for a later article.

And how do you kill
Bigfoot? I think the only way to do would be to bring compulsory
education and forced mental counseling into rural areas.

Good luck to anyone who wants to try that.

Also, here are my other MONSTER GUIDES if you feel like reading them. I don't think you should but I won't try to tell you what to do.