TRYING TO CONCEIVE

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Wednesday, May 8, 2013

I thought I would share what a blessing my little Alexander has been. I miss all of you bloggers. It has been a long time. I plan on getting back into the blogging world with you and look forward to hearing what has been going on for all of you. I hope you enjoy these sweet pics of my baby:) HE is the joy of my life!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

I have fought so hard to have my baby boy with infertility. I struggled with the emptiness feeling of yearning for a child. I am sitting here with my baby, playing and having fun and on the show, Anderson, I am shocked to hear that my county, the United States of America forced sterilazation on thousands of victims! And Our government pin the present is doing nothing for them. What else could be happening here?

According to the Los Angelos Times:

Between 1909 and 1964, more than 20,000 people in California were
robbed of their reproductive abilities through a state program of forced
sterilization. Under the misleading guise of "race betterment," doctors
at California's state hospitals sterilized those who were considered
"unfit to propagate."

The origins of California's
forced-sterilization program lie in the misnamed eugenics movement of
the early 20th century. The term means "good breeding" and stemmed from
efforts to improve plant and livestock breeds. But those who believed
that "degenerates" and the "feeble-minded" should be prevented from
having child- ren launched campaigns for state laws to permit the
sterilization of people with such deficiencies.

In 1907, Indiana became the first state to pass a forced-sterilization
law, and California followed suit in 1909. Thirty states ultimately
enacted such laws, and some 64,000 people -- most of them poor, young
women -- were subjected to the surgeon's knife without their consent.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

It has been a while all my blogging buddies. I hope you all are doing well. Some of you have started new cycles, some of you have had bfp, and some I hate to read about bfn. A lot of you have been through the hard times with me and I would love for you to see me through my happy times as a new mommy. My new blog I would love to share joys of parenthood with you. It is a lot more revealing with pictures and such. Here is the blog:

http://marilynandthetan.info

I also would appreciate a little help for a friend of mine. She has had the misfortune of hearing from her doctors that she can not conceive because of a heart condition she has. I would like to help her in the next journey of her for adoption and surrogacy. Any idea, organizations or advice..please email me at: Marilyn at mariyamitr@gmail.com

I hope you are all doing well.and I look forward to catching up on your blogs:)

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

It is 6am and the house is silent, and my hubby is holding the baby. I have had three hours of sleep, and I will soon go back to bed..but I am excited to tell you about my 21hour labor story. When I think back and while I have told the story to friends and family, I have realized at this point that it was not that bad. So here is my story. Week 36 of my pregnacny I started getting readings of high blood pressure at my weekly nst appontiments. That Tuesday of week 36 I also had protein in my urine. MY high risk doctors said..well, do not worry..you are borderline preeclampsia go home and if you get another symptoms give l&d a call. Well the next day both Thetan and I thought my face was real puffy so I called and went into to see a doctor. I had high bp, so she ordered a 24 hour urine drop. I peed in a bottle for 24 hours( which was so annoying) and dropped it off Friday. MY doctor said, if it is abnormal, L&D will call on Saturday the 31. So Saturday Morning comes along, and I see my test result. It says 0-165 is normal. MY number was 319. It was 10:20 and I had not heard from L&D. I called L&D at 11..and they said they had not looked over the test yet. They had to call me back. Eventually they called me back an hour later telling me that I needed to come in to get evaluated and I might be induced today. In my mind, I thought it is not time..I am going to be induced on the 11th..and I am just going to go in and check my urine and blood pressure. So I called my mom..and she said she was coming over right now. Thetan and I kind of looked at each other and said.."we are not ready...we do not even have a bag packed." So we packed a bag, and it started to feel more real. I was nervous and well..felt scared and out of control I feared I was going to get full on eclampsia...and get seizures..soI just thought I would go and get my massage I had booked the night before. My mom said she would drop me off at the massage place. She picked me up and she started lecturing me saying I should be at the hospital right away. She gave me a long lecture and I canceled my massage. I think it was a smart move because I would not have been able to relax. So..the doctor called and said at around 12pm, to not come in until 7pm because they are overwhelmed with too many patients. We did not go in until 5pm, my mom wanted to go early. so we sat in the waiting room for 2 hours...it was so busy that therere was a women who was force to wait in the waiting room with contraction 2 minutes apart. She was amazing, each contraction she did not make a sound, just got real quiet. I was amazed and impressed. I went to the desk to ask how long I would be waiting and then I made a stink that this poor women needed a room. They came out a couple minutes later..and the husband hugged and thanked us later. It was a horrible thing making her wait..she had the baby 1 hour later. Anyways..they got us a room..and I peed in a cup. It was plus 2 protein in the urine. That was the highest it had been. They were concerned when it was plus 1, so plus 2 was not good. They admitted me and so the inducement started at 11pm. They gave me a pill to start the thinning and contractions. Thetan went to bed and I just stared at the wall the whole night, waiting anxiously for the contraction to come. Oh yeah, before they gave me the pill, they checked my cervix. I was at 2 dialated and about 30% effaced. I was shocked I was a 2 already. I guess that is normal when you are a month away. So anyways, at 37 weeks, I was 2 cm dialated. So at 3am to about 6 I felt period like cramps every 15 minutes. So about 7am They did a cervical check and I had only moved to a 2 and a half. That was frustrating, They said okay you are going to the next step, pitocin. So for about a couple hours of pitocin, they said you need your rest, and recommended I take a drug I think it was called Fentenal to help me sleep. I took it and I started spinning and got so sweaty. I got a total of 15 minutes sleep. I do not think it was worth it. Anyways, by about 9am family started bringing over food for us and my mom came. The pitocin was going and the contractions were not that bad. At about 1pm they did another cervical check, no change: That was frustrating.

I was hooked up to all these wires, so every time I had to go to the bathroom it was a three person ordeal. At about 3pm contractions started to get really painful. So they did another cervical check..it was a 3. So, they kept asking me if I wanted an epidural I decided not to get one until I could not take the pain anymore because I wanted to move around to deal with the contractions and to not slow down the process. They said many times epidurals prolong labor. So the contraction started really taking over. At first the contractions were not so bad and I was laughing and making small talk. By 3 pm....I had everyone staring at me..and all I could do was breath with relief between contracttions. MY mom, and best friend and I walked around a couple times around the hospital level. My husband seemed really uncomfortable. He seemed scared for me and did not like the fact that he could do nothing about my pain. I did not scream, but every contraction was getting more intense. Then around 4, I used a medicine ball and thetan and my mom rubbed my back. This actually helped a lot. By 5pm, it was so intense and they were coming every 3 minutes and then every 2 minutes. I felt comfortable with husband, my mom, and best friend in the room, but my mother in law was in there and I really did not feel comfortable with her in there. So, finally I got another cervial check( mind you the first cervical check was so painful, through out the labor each cervical check really sucked, but that first one,.really was a doosy.) So anyways at five, my dialation was 4 and 80% effaced.

At that point I said I was ready for the epidural but wanted to take the fentinal before the epidural to relax because I was nervous about the epidural. SO the doctor told me it could be another 9 to 10 hours so to tell everyone to go have some dinner. So I told everyone and they said okay..my best friend said she was going to go home but to call her if I increase. So I take the fentinal and literally I felt contractions back to back. I was holding Thetan's hand, and he just told me yesterday that I was killing his hand with each contraction. I was able to handle the pain through breathing, but I was so ready for the epidural..it was getting really exhausting. A half hour into the fentinal...my nurse comes in and says" I am so sorry, this never happens, but our one anethesiologist is booked in an emergency c-section." Well...what could I do. I said "okay..I will wait." This is when I started freaking out a little more. But within 15 minutes there was an anethesioligist in the room. They called him to come in from home. So he starts the Epi and I have to say..although I was shaking from the fear..it was not that bad. A little sting and boom, it was done. but this is where it got weird, I started shaking profusely. They tried to relax me by having me breath through it. I just kept shaking. I also felt cramping in my thighs. MY husband was just standing next to me trying to calm me down but my body was just out of control. I still felt my body and could move my toes. I was so nervous the epi was not done correctly. I started to get numb, but it was not instant. Then the nurse said the baby's heart decelerated and they needed to move me to get the heart rate up again. MY body at this time was shaking even more. I hated this feeling of out of control shakiness and I also started freaking out about the baby's heart beat. So the doctor came in the check if my water broke. She looked down there and said "omg look at that." I look down and three nurses and the doctor are looking at my vjayjay. I asked what is it. They said your water bag is just hanging out. she then checks and says wow!! you are at a 10. Time to start pushing. So with one hour it went from a 4 to a 10. and 100%effaced. She also said the baby's head is really low. So Thetan called everyone and before I knew it...I was getting ready to push. I have to say I was scared...of coursese excited but really scared of the pain. So...while they were prepping me..my family kept on walking in...and we would all yell..don't come in. RIght into the pushing people almost walked in!! It was unbelievable. Anyways...my legs started shaking and the doctor said lets start pushing..but then she looked and said...oh I misjudged baby is not as far down as I thought,,,you might be pushing for a while. We all looked at each other and I thought no way,...I want this baby out. So she said..I need you to push in counts to 10...so I took a deep breath and pushed as much as I could. The doctor said wow..you are a great pusher....you pushed the baby right down. The other doctor that was assisting her said wow...get everything ready...the baby is coming fast. The doctor seemed a little frantic and did not seem ready or preprared how fast the baby was coming out. She was getting things ready and my legs started cramping and I told her I needed to push. She said okay..without putting any oil on to help the baby slide through...the next contraction I pushed the baby's head out...the next I started hearing the doctors get excited and and my mom started crying. I was so excited and at the same time anxious to know what was going on. She said just a few more pushes..so I pushed during the next contraction and the baby came out. They put him on my chest and we were all crying. It was amazing. He was not crying though, Just real peaceful. They took him cleaned him up and Thetan had tears in his eyes. he cut the umbilical cord. The rest is a blur people coming in and my best friend came in and then my other best friend came in about 4 minutes after the baby was born. So as soon as the baby was born it has been all about the boob. Since he is premmature he is very weak with the latching...and I hardly had any colustrum coming out. It took until day 6 to get my milk in. It has been very challenging that I can not satisfy my baby with food. There is so much pressure to breast feed. Anyways, I feed Alexander 8 times a day, pump 8 times, and trying my hardest to get my milk out. I pump about 40 ML when I wait three hours, and only 15ML between just an hour apart. OH...he pee's every time I open his diaper. And often if I change his diaper and a new set of clothes.he diecided to pee then and soak all his clothes. He does this just about 3 times a day. OH..I counted how many times we changed him yesterdau...12.............

Thursday, December 22, 2011

I have been thinking about posting for a couple days now. I am not sure why I have decided to post..when I am in one of the grumpiest moods I have been in during this whole pregnancy. I really think the hormones and lack of sleep has put me into a bitch mode lately...but I am positive I will find things to be happy about by the time I am done writing this post. THis is one of the reasons why I love blogging..it is my journal really...yet..I get reality checks and high fives from so many supportive blogging buddies.

So...I am in the 36th week..officially I am in the 9th month. Writing this down..is such an accomplishment. There were days, months, nights...where I never thought I had a chance to be pregnant. So here I am: belly is growing...and although...my boobs have not grown...that is a bummer. I have heard since I was younger that having a baby makes your boobs grow. Now for me...I do not have big boobs, so I have been looking forward to this for years. Well...to be honest..since I was in elementary school. Therefore..when I went into the department store at 8 months and got my bra measured and it showed I was still a size b cup..I was mortified. Why me!!! I got over it in a few minutes, but really no growth...weird. The nipples have changed in size and color, but no growth. So this is what i have been seeing in the mirror. Big belly, overgrowing the boobs. Yeah..it would be awesome to have big boobs growing with big belly..but nope! Not in the cards for me. I think it is genetics..my grandma was small like me too. Oh well.

okay...enough about my boobs:)

ON to my due date!!! my official due date is Jan 17th 2012. But I got to pick my inducement day..and where I am having my baby. Here I go...the date is set at 12pm at the hospital of my choice on Jan 11!! Yayayayayay! 21 more days! I can not believe it. Oh..if any of you have had the experience of labor...and especially if you have had inducement meds during labor..please comment and give your experience...the more the merrier. Lately...I have been real nervous about the pain. I have always dreamed of being pregnant, but have always had fear of the labor. so yeah...I have been watching on tlc and another show..c-sections, natural births, inducent, doulas..you name it..just getting myself emotionally ready. I know, I know..nothing prepares you..but this is just how I am. Before I did all the shots..I read all your experiences and watched it on youtube for hours. This is just how I operate.

OH...and the baby was weighed in..during the sonogram, they got a range of size. Little Alexander is on the smaller average. 5lbs, 5ounces. How cute..right?:) Well..this is great news, considering I have gestational diabetes, and many women with GD have big babies..and that is a negative and can create some bad things for the baby and mother.

SO I am happy, also my blood sugar level has been really good. I am impressed, I had a chocolate sees candy and a half of the best chewy chocolate chip cookie..and I my blood sugar was fine!! A week a go, my sister in law made vanilla sugar cupcakes, and my blood sugar was fine! This is such good news. I do not have to completely deny myself all the yumminess the holidays have to offer...I just need to moderate it.

So symptoms:

sleep: that is a joke. I am tossing and turning, and the turning is really hard to do now. My belly is big and well....when I get up..it takes a while to actually get up and start walking...it is a real waddle.

things to buy: I have everything except the stroller, rocking chair, and crib sheets and mobile, and infant or toddler carseat. I just had to pay $800 for my car..so this has set us back a little. It is embarrassing, but we are not rich...we actually struggle a bit..too many bills, not paid a lot. But I am trying to keep it all in perspective. I think this is a big reason why I am grumpy. Not having money. I had to be low with the gifts this year. This has never happened. Here I am getting so many gifts from family and friends, and I can not afford to get anything. I am just getting my direct family( mom, dad, brother, husband) presents. I got my dad, brother, sister in law and nephews magazine subscriptions. I thought this was a good idea..since they get it for a whole year. I hope they like it. If not,..get over it..that is all they are getting. :)

My mom I am getting some earings. I really do not have money for it..so I will use my macy's gift card I received for my birthday. For my husband..I am thinking of actually not getting him anything..but what if he gets me something..I am screwed. Hmm..help me out...what could I get him..that shows I love him dearly..but is not a lot of money. I will feel guilty if I do not get him something.
Okay...have to go off to a another doctors appointment for my no stress test. These doctor appointments really stress me out. And starting next week, I will be going in twice a week. Bummer:(
but at least I know my doctors are taking care of my baby!

Monday, December 12, 2011

It has been a few weeks... I have not been blogging lately..because a new symptom of my pregnancy is carpal tunnel. It is hopefully just a pregnant thing. I do not like to start my blog posts with a vent..but I am going to today. This pregnancy is a miracle. Without the help if IVF, I would not be 35 weeks today...one week short of 9 months. I am so blessed to have this round belly and baby kicking ...but there are some major challenges with pregnancy..at least with my pregnancy.

I have seen on tv, and in magazines how women say.."oh I love being pregnant..it is so liberating."

BS....not for me. This is a real pain..literally. I am complaining daily...all the time..I am even annoying myself. My back aches..my hands...I can not feel my tips of my fingers because my wrists are so swollen that the fluid is hitting a nerve, so I have shooting pains at night..that start at my finger tips all the way to my elbow. My feet are swollen so if I walk for more than a hour..I get sharp pains in my legs. Oh..my calves..they give me muscle spasms everyday. Heartburn is no fun...and then there are the insulin shots because I have picked up gestational diabetes.
So...there

IT COULD BE WORSE! No baby...right?..so I need to just suck it up..but man.... no sleep and with all the above...it is getting really tough.

as for positive...there are so many:

I had the baby shower...my MIL took some pictures..so as soon as she sends them to me..I will post. It was beautiful and so loving. I understand why they call it a shower. Because I was showered with lots of love. My family and friends were there and seemed so excited about the celebration of my little Alexander. I think women really like baby showers. They all seemed so happy and everyone wanted to touch my belly. it was fun...I enjoyed it. I did not cry...thank you very much. I cried on the way to the party...but there I held it together. I got so many presents. I must have received..10 blankets. People really like buying soft cozy blankets. This baby of mine will never be cold. And I got some real cute clothes. I did laundry all weekend..and he is set for the first 3 months.It took me about an hour or an hour and a half to open everything. For me..it was too many people. There were 26 people there...all women I wanted to see and who love and will be in Alexander's life..but for me...it was hard..because I was not able to spend good one on one quality time with each one. I like to chit chat and hear how everyone is doing..and have good conversation...instead..I was like the entertainment..that was awkward for me

what else:

35 weeks today. This baby is so active...he likes to push his elbow or knee into my right side. He predominately stays to my right. His butt is near my rib cage and hand and feet to my right..his head in down which is good.

his has the hiccups about twice a day. It was cute at first...but I feel like he may be scared or uncomfortable for all the hiccups.

Oh..I went to three classes last week.

1) Natural birth
2) epidural
3) pedicare

The natural birth was interesting. I probably won't be using any of the great positions that were taught because I will be induced..but the breathing I believe will be helpful. and the epidural was freaky. The whole process of the needle going in we watched and then the guy giving the lecture must have been sedated..because my husband and I were catching each other falling asleep. It was challenging.

the last class was fun..we got to practice diaper changing, bathing tips, and other fun things I am nervous about.

I have been watching baby story and a lot on tv. I am getting ready emotionally for the birth of our son. I am really nervous I have to admit. It is scary to think of pushing this big 5 pound soon to be bigger baby out of my vagina! Sorry for the TMI,, but it freaks me out. I have been feeling a change of heart in wanting my two best friend, and my mother in law in the room. When I first got pregnant I called my best friends and I told them I wanted them in the room. and Then in October my mother in law said could she be in the room..I said sure. But now.I will be naked...vulnerable and naked. Did I say naked....and in pain...I do not want everyone staring at me...and things could come out..I may be swearing, crying, I just want my mom and husband in the room...I feel most comfortable with these two people. In all honesty...I really do not want my mother in law in the room. I feel she has every right to see the baby...when he is born..but I do not want her staring at me when I am pushing. I am actually very shy and prudent when it comes to me body.

Anyways...I will probably blog some more..when I get feeling back in my fingertips:(

oh..everywhere I go..people comment on when I am due. It is awesomeness~!!:) I am really showing. I never thought I would get to this point...I thought I would look just chubby...but everyone kisses my belly and rubs it..and Alexander is so loved already:)

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Yep..went to the labor and delivery today. Still in a bit of shock. Just realized how fragile this little one is, how I am not prepared for the baby to come home yet..and how much I love him. I have cried a few times...and nothing even really happened..he is fine!

Since I have Gestational diabetes, you must be in the high risk department of obgyn. One part of that process is at 32 weeks, you are mandated to go weekly to and after 35 weeks you go biweekly to get nst.

NST: Non stress tests. They monitor your babies heart beat, and they also monitor you contractions. By monitoring your contractions, they monitor by putting the tool to gather info about contractions at the top of your uterus.

So..what they look for is within 20 minutes to see your baby move..and within those movements the baby's heart rate to accelerate from the movement and then to go back to normal two times.

So..last week..everything went fine. He did it once, and then at 20 minutes the nurse put a little buzzer to my belly..and little Alexander did it again.

This time..was different. I asked the women for water..but she never got it for me..this gets the baby moving every time. I was a little annoyed with the women..she seemed really confused and overwhelmed. Well..20 30 minutes went by and she would pop in and say..nope..hmm..baby still sleeping. And then she just kept buzzing the thing on my belly. I was getting really annoyed because I thought maybe she is scaring my baby and why is she not getting me my water and not telling me what is going on..why has it been 45 minutes.

So...eventually..she looks all panicked and says..let me bring this paper to the doctors to evaluate.

She comes back and explains that..Alexander's heartbeat decelerated when I had a contraction.

OKAy......and then she said you have to go to the hospital to labor and delivery.

Yeah...you can imagine ...my heart dropped and I went into panic mode. I was by myself..so I tried to be calm... I had my kindle and as I eventually got to the hospital room, got in my hospital bed, all vulnerable in my robe, I waited patiently for the doctor to come.

Eventually after three hours of monitoring the baby...he was good. All good accelerations with his heartbeat...he was moving around, I ate a little and drank lots of ice water.

The doctor did eventually tell me..after looking over all the deceleration and then the present acceleration beats and ultrasound that everything looks good. She said the deceleration may have just been the baby doing something to the cord..but maybe not.

I have to say, I am a little shaken by the hole thing. Rushing to Labor and delivery..waiting and getting no response from worried faces from nurses and doctors. Sitting by myself for 4 hours..worried from another doctor saying if the deceleration occurs again they will have to induce contractions.

Just glad it is over and worried a little about Alexander being stressed out.

I am here at work for another few hours..really not here in my body though...I feel emotionally drained.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I am excited to get an award....from one of my favorite blogger buddies Miss Mac, from MAC and PC:) I have found her blog to be so helpful in my journey of IF. She is one of the original blogs I have been following since I found out my husband and I were challenged with conceiving over a year ago. It was a hard time and I was frightened of the unknown process IVF was taking us through. I would turn on my computer and MISS Mac would always give me words of encouragement..and I would go into her archives and find so much great informative posts into taking the pio shots, and many other issues in this emotional roller coaster we all go through.

here are my five choices that have followed me and I have followed them this whole process of iVF and now I through my 8 months of Pregnancy:)

From one of my favorite blogger buddies, The Rocky Road to Motherhood:
she has found a great organization called Human Milk for Human Babies. She connected with her local chapter on Facebook and was then put in touch with local moms and babies looking for milk.

This is a great informative post..to help mothers who
might be adopting a newborn, or having issue with breast feeding might want to look into it. Also if you have a frozen milk supply you might want to look into it as well.

Monday, November 28, 2011

I hope everyone had a fun Thanksgiving. I did..it was also my birthday..so it was very warm and sweet. Since I have gestational diabetes..I was worried about what I was going to eat. Well..I ate everything..little bites of all my favorite foods( sweet potato..stuffing, and pecan pie!,..yum). And my blood sugar was was good. I contribute me running around chasing my 2 year old niece to the good health. She is so adorable. I got lots of cards and a prenatal massage from my husband. It was so good. The Claremont Resort and Spa in Berkeley gives the best massages..if you live in California or ever visit..I promise if you book an appointment at the Claremont resort and Spa..you will Thank me:)

I got the kindle from my dad..so sweet! I love it. You can get magazines( not too many of a selection) but still...I can read the paper, read a book, and read upon a few recipes..very cool!

Thank you for your sweet comments on my last post...I love this community so much!

As for someone asking me to give more info around the gestational diabetes..I will work on that. I feel so overwhelmed with it, and really there is not a lot of info or blogs for the GD community. SO I will either do a seperate blog..or just do a few long posts. Still thinking how I want to go about it.

Strange moment of the Week:
I was in the Joanne's craft store getting decorations for the holidays with my husband, and a women without asking put her hand on my belly and asked "how long? Rubb for good luck!" it was so awkward and I was in shock..I just started laughing!! I said..oh wow...no one has ever done that before...she then asked...."your pregnant right?" She asked that after the fact!!! Anyways..I was shocked first, and then excited that people in public can tell I am pregnant not just chubby...but then a couple minutes later..I got a little annoyed. I never said strangers can come up and touch my body without asking! It is actually kind of rude. As for family members..fine...for the most part..but not strangers!

As for symptoms: I have a few more!! My hands are swelling. I am 33 weeks..so going into my 8 and 1/2 months of pregnancy. I believe this is a normal thing. But gosh it really hurts. I have to admit..I am getting sick of myself complaining. On Saturday...my mom wanted my help with ideas for shopping for food, gifts, party supplies for the baby shower this coming Sunday. So from 11am to 6pm I was mostly on my feet walking and standing in line. it hurt so bad. My hands were so swollen they felt tight and tingly and like they were going to cut off. My feet were swollen and I had pins and needles. I was tired and well. My grumpyness got really bad in baby store..babyrus. I feel so guilty..but here is my confession:

My mom, husband, and I are in the babyrus..we went there to find a doll for one of the games. Well..I am having boy..but all they had in the doll section were girl dolls. There was one boy... but it said 3+ and it was $30. My mom said..lets just get a girl..so we can give it away to her other granddaughter afterward. I was getting so pissy. complaining that I am having a boy...we can not get girl. It got a little heated. Okay...I am laughing about it now..but I was pissed in the store. ) Are you kidding me!) I can be so ridiculous. I was absolutely out of mind complaining to my husband around the corner saying my mom is just doing this for her granddaughter My husband had to give me a hard lecture later saying I was being very grumpy and selfish..because my mom is paying and getting so many things for this baby shower. I guess I felt...it is just a baby shower..why are we playing 10 games that all cost all this money..and why is she spending 100's of dollars. I was also complaining that my mom asked me to help with everything, and I will not be surprised by anything with this baby shower! And I am not getting a cake! And months earlier, my mom was complaining that in the Jewish faith, it is taboo to have a baby shower before the baby is born! Bottom line..is I appreciate her so much. The fact that she is throwing me a fun party....is fabulous!!! Whether is will be a crazy tata party or not..my friends and family are there to welcome my little Alexander..and it will be very sweet.. because of the people and the joy and effort my mom has put into this party. I get a little feeling like she is showing off a little, but that is my mom. really..I would be fine with 10 people and a quiet day with a few presents and some simple food Instead..there are 25 people coming, 10 games, a tone of food that is catered...and we wrapped presents for everyone. Well...it is what it is..and I am excited to be a part of it..oh,..one other thing that is real strange:
hardly anyone is buying off the registry...and I have not received anything. I hear this is common..people just buy what they want! Why!!!! This is a baby shower not a birthday party. I know..I need to be just appreciative the fact they are showing their love and all..but I am not rich by any means. I actually need all the things on my registry. I just hope they get a gift receipt..so I do not just have 25 onsies:)

I hate the way this all sounds...my husband says I sound like a spoiled brat. Maybe I do...and maybe I am...I will have to look at that. I am real self absorbed, I can fess up to that. Maybe it is the lack of sleep, or the pain I am feeling in my hands, feet, and peeing all the time. I am a real grump. I have come so far to be the most grateful person to have this baby growing inside me..and all I do lately is complain about this and that. I have to work on being appreciative. I mean..don't get me wrong..I am aware of how good I have it..I just feel I have been complaining a whole lot. I have been more emotional lately too.
\
case in point:
I was driving to my massage Friday on the Freeway and I looked to my right and I saw the golden gate bridge with the most beautiful sunset. The sky was pink..and it was so beautiful! I started tearing up! Yeah..the hormones are strong right about now:)

Things I love and what I appreciate:
I love watching Alexander move in my belly. My belly is getting bigger because he is getting bigger and stronger! Yesterday morning he kicked right near my ribs. He has never done that before. It still tickles when he moves arounds..oh...and he has been getting hiccups a lot He must be preacticting swallowing:)
When you have gestational diabetes..you have to get a non stress test..once a week..and after 3 weeks..twice a week. basically you have to monitor for 20 minutes your baby's heart beat and your contractions, the amniotic fluid, his heartbeat. His heart beat must go up twice and then go down twice within 20 minutes Within the 20 minutes he did it once..so they did a little vibration and that got him moving. I felt a little bad..but they said it does not affect the baby.

Then I felt a movement above my belly I often feel, like a hardness. I always thought it was ALexander's butt or foot..pushing..but nope! The doctor said that is a contraction! I had no idea!! holy moley!!!!! I guess these are braxton hicks..just practice runs. They are not painful...but you can really feel the tightness. WHew....am I in for it with labor!! Freaking out just a little bit!!

This week...after the shower..I will post pictures of the nursery...we got a few things done..but I want to wait to show you the pictures with the finished product!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

31 weeks this week! I am one more week away from going into my 8th month. I never thought I would get here. I really never did. It feels like just a few weeks ago, I was searching for the reason why I could not get pregnant. The blame and the guilt, and the jealousy was really hard. I was listening to Ben Harper on Sunday. It brought me back to memories when I was getting all the the biopsies, and seeing lots of doctors. My brother and his wife and parent's were basking in the joys of their new child. Every time I would go to facebook, I would learn of a new friend or relative who was announcing their pregnancy. I started this blog because I found others who were suffering as I was.

Suffering: I was in so much pain. I was crying everyday. And the days that were hard: were the days I heard relatives and friends got pregnant. I would go into the bathroom and cry for a good hour. I was done for the day. The days I got my period after trying with opk sticks and voodoo dolls, and so forth...the day I would get my period was like someone had died. It was very painful emotionally. The physical pain of my period at the time were minute compared to the emotional pain and guilt I put on myself.

Then came the uncomfortable looks of pity from family and friends who knew what I was going through. I love my mom dearly, but she told everyone what I was dealing with. So, I could not escape it. It could have been in my head, but I do not think so.

Then the trip to the fertility department. That was a hard day. Because when you start trying for a baby...it takes a strong person to admit..okay, we tried everything, now we need doctors to intervene. At this point, my body was not mine anymore. In many ways, I felt violated. I can not count how many doctors saw me vulnerable and naked. It was not a good time in my life, and I have to admit, I was very grumpy. My husband and I were fighting, and we both felt extremely guilty and inadequate.

Then we found out what happened. My body was healthy, but not my husband's. This was very sad for him. And I had to be very patient. His sperm was not dead, but not strong enough to make a baby naturally. The words:

IVF is the only solution.

This was so hard to hear. In one way it was a relief. Okay...we can stop suffering and move on...there is a solution..and we know what to do. But it was very scary.

We learned about all the needles. It seemed so painful and grueling....

It was. It was painful, it was consistently stressful, and it was frightening.

But we did it..because we wanted a baby...and it was not so painful that it was unmanagable. The hardest part was the 1 and 1/2 needle of progesterone I had to put in my butt cheek about 95 times. This was not fun...every night. Then there was the 2 week wait. This was emotionally hard. You think it is hard waiting for those two weeks when you try naturally, try putting huge amount of hormones in your body, surgery, 10 doctors looking at your private parts, get your blood taken everyday for a couple weeks, and put in 15 to 20 thousand dollars, and then wait for two weeks if everything is going to work out..while at the same time shooting our butt cheeks with an inch and a half needle every night.

So after everything...I became pregnant. And I will never forget it. I am so thankful for this blog so that I had a place to express myself, and one day I can read it myself. As well..and all the support I received while going through this process. all you girls suffered with me and and gave me support. I cried with you when things went wrong, I laughed and rejoiced when your got your BFP!

I have realized it is okay that most of my followers have dwindled down because well..the audience has changed. I feared this would happen..but I have accepted it. And I understand it. When I was going through IVF and trying to conceive, I blocked so many family and friends when they said they were pregnant. But now, that is my life...

It comes with the territory. I get a few comments...and I so appreciate them. I love hearing when you all get your bfp..but for the longest time..I could not hear any bad news regarding IVF or trying to conceive. I feared so much.

I stopped reading most posts about most pregnancy or trying to conceive blogs. Everyday, especially during the first trimester I feared I would miscarry. This was not something that was little or that I was neurotic. I had blood one day..and I had to got to the er. Everything was fine, but I found out later that day that my mom had never told me that she had miscarried after she had me. Then every time I told someone I was pregnant, they were telling me of someone they knew or worked with that had a miscarriage. I turned on the news, and some celebrity had a miscarriage. Then, I would turn on my computer and read about a miscarriage in this community. It was too painful and scary for words. I just kind of stopped blogging and wrote a few times a month. Plus, the first trimester really gets you tired and well morning sickness takes a hold.

But since the second trimester I have been blogging more and learned of so many happy stories. Some sad..And I cried reading them..and I hope with all good thoughts that many of you one day get your baby no matter how you do it..I know you will.

Can I tell you how happy I am to see all the pregnant bellies that I have followed through their pregnancies. I am so happy for so many of you who have struggled and now have given birth or have shared their beautiful nurseries, and the beautiful bellies. You are all so beautiful.

As for my 31 weeks update:two things.

This baby is healthy! You know how I know..HE WON'T STOP MOVING!!!seriously...he won't. I can not sleep. That is the one draw back..but I guess this little boy is getting me ready for reality...I went to a breastfeeding class..and well..I have to feed him every hour..to every two hours for the first month. I never knew how extensive breastfeeding was. It is an art. Very interesting how the baby's saliva tells your body what kind of milk to produce. Very interesting how the baby will be more likely to like one boob than the other or one position because of how he or she was positioned in the womb. All very interesting how natural everything is. But how not natural breastfeeding can be. I guess I will learn..I think I am a little nervous. I hope I will be maternal and natural with the baby. I think there is a lot of pressure with breastfeeding. I am nervous my milk will not come in. But I will try to go with the flow.