Yikes! Close call. Despite previous report, youngest was NOT eaten. Was actually wicker rocking chair. It was very dark and kerosene headlamp was malfunctioning.

Spent much of last evening dodging board game invitations from fellow survivors. Put end to “Yahtzee-pa-looza” be hiding three dice in cheeks (like Chipmunk). Swallowed first one around midnight. The others were most likely ingested around 3:00 AM while I was experiencing a nightmare involving the Seneca Casino in Salamanca NY and the Oscar Mayer wiener mobile.

More later.

Blizzard Journal, Day #4.5

Standing in line with approximately 60 weary castaways, for generator that local artisan has constructed out of palm branches and coconuts. He claims to be a survivalist who gained his knowledge from watching every episode of Gilligan's Island at least 70 times. Not sure if it will work but you can't beat the price. $40.

8. With empty gum wrappers, duct tape and a leftover piece of Halloween candy, convince gullible 16-year-old that he has won a golden ticket to Willie Wonka’s Driving School; provide directions to barn of Amish neighbor.

3. Dress as giant sea gull, swoop down upon unsuspecting drive-thru customers–stealing their cinnamon bagel twists just as they are about to drive away, simultaneously dumping a gallon of white house paint on windshield.

4. Convince children that they are eating KFC when it is actually KFP while refusing to answer frantic phone calls from the zoo.

5. Disguised as Amish neighbor, drive horse and buggy to Apple Store and ask for demonstration of wood-burning iPad2.

03/08/2011

Last night, while Mr. Sheen slept, tangled in sheets between Bree Olsen and Natalie Kenly, his distraught, polka-dotted pachyderm, Trixie, led us into the actor's chilly, cavernous bedroom and laid on her side. She pointed with her trunk to a lone leather chair in front of the gas fireplace. I sat. Setting down the potato sack of peanuts she'd requested as payment, I whispered:

TMG: Patty, tell me, how is Mr. Sheen?Trixie:(Popping a dozen peanuts in her mouth.) He's bi-winning. He's winning here AND there. I'd love to do air quotes for but, look -- no fingers. TMG: How are you holding up?Trixie: I'm about to burst. I'm twenty-one months, two weeks along and it feels like thirty.TMG: Don't know how you elephants do it. That gestation period is ungodly. Trixie: You're a male mammal. You have no freaking clue. TMG: Are the twins Mr. Sheen's?Trixie: Who else's? The man is into everything. I've put on about ten pounds a month since he did that Ferris Bueller's Day Off gig, then when putting on weight alone wasn't enough, BOOM! there was nowhere else to go but self-replication. Quite frankly I'm surprised I'm not going to be the sequel to the octo-mom.TMG: Have you thought about leaving?Trixie: I'm his elephant. By definition, I'm stuck. The bigger his mess, the deeper the mud I'm in. What paper are you with again?TMG: The New York (coughing) Mind Gazette.

Mr. Sheen stirred. He woke up, fell out of bed, dragged a comb across his head. I quickly hid behind Trixie. As Mr. Sheen left the room, he yelled, "Trixie, you're huge, ha-ha! But I love you! And you're welcome for those peanuts!"

Trixie grabbed more peanuts from the sack and laid them in her mouth. She chewed slowly.

Trixie: Time to go. TMG: One more question?Trixie: Shoot.TMG: How's Oliver Stone to work with?Trixie: Out.TMG: Fine, but Charlie's downstairs. Trixie: He won't notice. He doesn't notice people till about noon.

And with that, I left the room. Halfway down the stairs, I froze with my back to the wall as a nude Mr. Sheen passed me by, leaving the strong scent of peanuts and Trixie in his wake.

03/04/2011

Ten-day forecasts for regions throughout most of the United States call for colder than normal temperatures, icy conditions, Arctic blasts, depressingly grey skies, freezing rain, and everyone’s favorite: “wintry mix.” All this, combined with dirty snow banks and depression that lasts more the seven days, is sending some completely over the edge. Before you reach for the bottle or the Ben & Jerry’s, get your hands on a Happy Helmet. Express shipping available; underpaid customer service reps are working overtime to take your orders!

Here's a tech solution for busy people who simply don't have time for downtime. The Happy Helmet combats SAD(Seasonal Affective Disorder) at work, home or on the go. Simply attach the light box unit to your head and bring sunshine with you wherever you go.

The ultra-bright Happy Helmet light has two settings—10,000 and 15,000 lux. Simply place the helmet on your head, push a button and move about freely with daily activities. Conduct business meetings or run errands, all while getting your dose of Vitamin D for the day. The lithium polymer battery is rechargeable and the whole unit comes with a handy carrying case (monogrammed for an additional charge).

TESTIMONIALS:“My co-workers called me Debbie Downer for months, and no one wanted to have lunch with me. I just sat in my cubicle for weeks on end, listening to Gordon Lightfoot and popping St. John’s Wort. Now that I’ve found the Happy Helmet, my whole life has changed. I’m the hit of the office, and everyone loves my jokes.” – Helen W.

“To be honest, I haven’t seen a huge difference, but my wife says I’m more bearable to be around. My children don’t like me to wear the Happy Helmet out in public, especially to their sports games. I’m hoping they come out with a smaller model soon.” – Bill T.

The Happy Helmet is available for just 3 easy payments of $16.99, plus sales tax and shipping. To order, submit a request in the Comments section below.

02/25/2011

Now that Charlie Sheen has begun getting it all out of his system, it seems CBS has gotten him out of theirs. Aside from calling Alcoholics Anonymous a "bootleg cult" and that whole porn star in the potty debacle, Tiny Mind Gazette's undercover reporters say he's been seen hollowing out award statuettes and filling them with a combination of vodka and Four Loko.

Now that the Two and a Half Men time slot is officially open (though still listed as a current show on the network's website), CBS is exploring new ideas for highly ignorable sitcoms. Among them:

Six People and a Cat

A Priest, A Nun, and a Rabbi

Three Bags of Weed

Two Airplanes on a Tarmac

One Guy on Twitter

Despite the stellar considerations being whiteboarded, we don't believe CBS will deliver anything worth the 30 minutes of airtime. We predict they'll be back with the more expected sequel, One Man and a Horny Teenager.

Here's a tech solution for busy people who simply don't have time for downtime. The Happy Helmet combats SAD(Seasonal Affective Disorder) at work, home or on the go. Simply attach the light box unit to your head and bring sunshine with you wherever you go.

The ultra-bright Happy Helmet light has two settings—10,000 and 15,000 lux. Simply place the helmet on your head, push a button and move about freely with daily activities. Conduct business meetings or run errands, all while getting your dose of Vitamin D for the day. The lithium polymer battery is rechargeable and the whole unit comes with a handy carrying case (monogrammed for an additional charge).

TESTIMONIALS:

“My co-workers called me Debbie Downer for months, and no one wanted to have lunch with me. I just sat in my cubicle for weeks on end, listening to Gordon Lightfoot and popping St. John’s Wort. Now that I’ve found the Happy Helmet, my whole life has changed. I’m the hit of the office, and everyone loves my jokes.”– Helen W.

“To be honest, I haven’t seen a huge difference, but my wife says I’m more bearable to be around. My children don’t like me to wear the Happy Helmet out in public, especially to their sports games. I’m hoping they come out with a smaller model soon.”– Bill T.

The Happy Helmet is available for just 3 easy payments of $16.99, plus sales tax and shipping. To order, submit a request in the Comments section below.