Scientology Daily Digest: Monday, November 11, 2013

I won’t be publishing a daily digest for tonight. I must plead exhaustion.

This has been a brutal week. In the midst of a lot of other things going on, I managed to write a total of almost 17,000 words since launching the blog seven short days ago. I’m utterly exhausted and need to crash before another long day tomorrow. I have three feature articles to run over the next couple of days that I hope will interest you.

I would like to thank you who have supported me, by reading what I write, by contributing your thoughts to the comments, by sending me data points and ideas, and by your kind words.

Considering the number of perceptics, I’m surprised we don’t have the Ketchupy Fountain, the Wall of Steak Sauce Licking, and the Bathtub of Baked Beans. At least those might be fun, and leave open significant sponsor opportunities.

At the mention of “sponsor opportunities,” my greedy little capitalist mind flashed on to who would be the best strategic partners for the cult among American industry. So I quickly penned this little press release:

ARBY’S ANNOUNCES AGREEMENT WITH CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY TO “BOOM” ITS BUSINESS

ATLANTA and HEMET, November 11, 2013 – Arby’s Restaurant Group, Inc. and The Church of Scientology International

Today, Arby’s and Scientology are pleased to announce a sweeping joint venture that will see Arby’s locations open in all Scientology Ideal Orgs, a “straight up and vertical expansion” move that will increase the size of the Arby’s chain. Scientology will name Arby’s the official sandwich provider of the Sea Org, its elite ecclesiastical unit, and Arby’s will name Scientology its official favorite new religious movement. The deal will be supported by a revenue-sharing and cooperative marketing agreement whose terms were not disclosed.

Explaining the rationale of the deal, Paul Brown, CEO of Arby’s Restaurant Group, said “If Chick-Fil-A, another large restaurant chain in the quick service space, can see business soar due to emphasizing its anti-gay stance stemming from its founder’s Christian religious beliefs, why can’t we ‘boom our stats’ by using a controversial religion to win over new followers?”

Scientology’s ecclesiastical leader, COB RTC David Miscavige, points out Scientology’s rationale for pursuing this groundbreaking partnership: “We’re always looking for ‘fresh meat’ in Scientology, and since our numerous other increasingly desperate attempts to get people in the door aren’t working, we naturally thought a partnership with the food chain that is the unquestioned experts in freshness of the meat it serves to its customers was a natural.”

After pausing for a few seconds to scream at and strike several cowed underlings, Mr. Miscavige continued, “And we could really use the rent from Arby’s to help us keep the lights on in our Ideal Orgs, which are packed day and night from all the people seeking refuge from a world where hamburger-based fast food seems to be taking over like drugs. Speaking of drugs, can I mention Narconon here?”

In the arrangement, Arby’s will increase its locations by over ten times, opening approximately 32,500 locations in the Scientology Ideal Orgs in 3,754 countries on all 53 continents. Management anticipates the creation of over 47 million jobs to support the anticipated demand from Scientologists and others. The joint venture restaurants will be run on the time-tested management principles of noted restauranteur L. Ron Hubbard, and the staff will be paid on the Sea Org pay scale, a motivational tool that has allowed Scientology to “clear the planet” in just a few short years. Importanty, even if Scientology never sells a sandwich, all 47 million employees will be trained in Scientology techniques as part of the revolutionary productivity enhancement programs.

Brown continued, “Heck, even our slogans and marketing programs are compatible. Our slogan is ‘slicing up freshness’ and Scientology’s seems to be ‘slicing up wallets.’ We take this as further evidence that our two corporate cultures will mesh together. We are exploring creating kiddie value meals that include our healthy roast beef sandwiches, a small portion of French fries and either a Xenu plush toy or an action figure of Terl from ‘Battlefield Earth.’”

About Arby’s Restaurant Group, Inc.

Arby’s Restaurant Group, Inc. is a leading global quick-service restaurant company operating and franchising over 3,400 restaurants worldwide. Arby’s was the first nationally franchised, coast-to-coast sandwich chain and has been serving fresh, craveable meals since it opened its doors in 1964. Arby’s is on a never-ending quest for the perfect sandwich starting with the Classic Roast Beef and French Dip to the deli-style Market Fresh® line of sandwiches and salads. Visit Arbys.com for more information and to connect with Arby’s on Facebook, Twitter, Linked In, Instagram and other social media channels.

About The Church of Scientology International

Scientology is the world’s fastest growing religion. In sixty years, the Church has gone from a fever dream of a hackneyed pulp science fiction writer to a major force in the world today, with over 14 billion members in 38,901 countries on all 53 continents. Scientology is reknowned for its charitable works, with Volunteer Ministers routinely parachuting into disaster scenes, “making it go right,” and for its literacy training and drug education programs. Ecclesiastical leader David Miscavige continues the tradition of humane treatment of staff and customers, and ethical fundraising laid down by founder L. Ron Hubbard, “Mankind’s greatest friend(tm).”

ESMB reader Type4_PTS posted this to ESMB, where it got quite a reception, including someone who actually called up Arby’s HQ to find out if this was a real press release. Kudos to Arby’s PR manager Kathy Siefert for handling what likely counts as one of the oddest questions she’s taken in a while with grace and professionalism.

I’ll be back tomorrow night, rested, caffeinated and ready for action!

Author: John P.

John P. is a Wall Street money manager and IT technologist fascinated by irrationality in all its forms, and Scientology most of all. He's a lifelong Steely Dan fan.
View all posts by John P.