Sports

NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions.

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

GREEN BAY, WI—Noting with urgency that play was about to resume after a brief timeout on the field, sources confirmed Sunday that CBS announcer Jim Nantz better hurry the fuck up congratulating one of the broadcast’s producers on his new baby and get back to the Packers-Texans game.

BALTIMORE—Wincing and shaking his head at the sight of trainers assisting the opposing team’s running back off the field, 34-year-old Baltimore Ravens fan Bobby Ferrara announced Sunday that “you hate to see that” while secretly feeling thrilled about the injury.

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Members of the Penn State football coaching staff revealed to reporters Friday that they have no idea what to do with the unbelievably innovative defensive playbooks former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky continues to send them on a regular basis.

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

CLEVELAND—Having watched in horror as their team crumbled after a 3-1 World Series lead, members of the Cleveland Indians expressed concern Thursday that the organization has been cursed for building their franchise on an incredibly old Native American stereotype.

THE HEAVENS—Following a 8-7 victory over the Cleveland Indians that clinched the team’s first World Series title since 1908, sources confirmed Wednesday that millions of intoxicated Chicago Cubs fans are currently rioting across Heaven.

CHICAGO—Barely able to communicate through the din of thunderous noise during Game 3 of the World Series, members of the Cleveland Indians admitted Friday to being completely rattled by the deafening sound of the Wrigley Field crowd’s indigestion.

CHICAGO—Explaining that he is breaking from his normal routine for Game 1 of the World Series, 32-year-old Chicago Cubs fan Frank Sanford confirmed Tuesday that he feels ready to get completely drunk again on only two days’ rest.

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

BOSTON—Having officially entered retirement after 20 seasons in Major League Baseball, former Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz told reporters Thursday that he is excited to finally be able to eat whatever he wants.

WASHINGTON—Using a large plastic trash bag to collect the uniforms scattered around their bedroom closet, Michelle Obama reportedly spent Wednesday afternoon throwing out many of her husband’s old number 44 jerseys.

NEW YORK—Featuring various clips from past playoff games and what appears to be an abandoned slaughterhouse, a disturbing new MLB postseason commercial that began airing Friday claims October is when the maggots feast on rotting pig flesh.

CHADDS FORD, PA—Watching in disbelief as she pulled out a textbook in the midst of the busy locker room, members of the Unionville High School field hockey team told reporters Thursday that sophomore forward Kelly Wilcox was actually trying to do some homework during the 30-minute period between school and the start of practice.

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

CLEVELAND—As the Dallas Mavericks sealed their NBA Finals victory over LeBron James and the Miami Heat Sunday night, the citizens of Cleveland participated in a joyous, exuberant, and extremely pathetic celebration of their city's greatest-ever sports moment.

"When I saw there were just two minutes left on the clock and there was no way LeBron could turn it around, I admit it—I started crying for pure joy," said emotionally misguided Cavaliers fan Randall Peterman, who watched the game on a huge projector screen in Gateway Plaza alongside thousands of other jubilant fans, all of whom seemed unaware that their feelings of triumph-by-proxy revealed deep flaws in their outlook not only on sports, but on life as a whole. “I am more proud of my hometown tonight than I have ever been.”

"This one's for the whole city [of Cleveland]," added Peterman, by all indications unaware of the shamefully absurd implications of appropriating another city's sports championship for one's own out of overblown, inarticulate feelings of betrayal. “Let’s go Mavs! Let’s go Mavs!”

Across the city, in bars and at Finals-watching parties, Cleveland sports fans erupted in a psychologically stunted caricature of joy at the sight of James, their former hero, slumped over in defeat. The celebration reportedly grew even sadder as Cleveland fans began referring to the Dallas team as the “Mavaliers,” and became almost impossible to bear after the erection of a billboard on Ohio’s Interstate 480 that said, “Congratulations, Mavericks.”

As of press time, no Cleveland resident has apologized for acting like an immature child.

"Eleven months ago, when that classless jerk had his TV special to announce he was taking his talent to South Beach, I swore I would cheer against him for the rest of my life," said bartender Michelle Vlasik, who seemed unaware that her response to James' move was at least as juvenile and self-defeating as anything James himself had done. "Ask anyone here tonight and they'll tell you they feel the same way."

“This completely makes up for Jordan’s shot over Ehlo,” Vlasic added in reference to a basketball game that actually involved the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Sources confirmed official responses from the Cleveland area have been just as spiritually bereft. Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert, who had expected James to bring his team a championship, issued a statement that read, "This proves there are no shortcuts—none," as if the hard work put in by Dallas had been that of his own struggling organization. Moreover, Ohio governor John Kasich named the Mavericks honorary Ohioans with the issuing of a resolution as self-defeating as it was nonbinding.

"You have no idea how good it feels to be a Cleveland sports fan right now," said Gov. Kasich, to all appearances unaware of how condemning his statement was for a city that is home to three major sports franchises, none of which are directly responsible for the joy currently being experienced by said fans. “The people of Cleveland [seriously need to grow up and just get the fuck over it already].”

Though it has been five days since Dallas won the championship, fans across Cleveland have continued to react the way people would if their own team had won. Sales of merchandise for the Mavericks, a franchise located 1,000 miles away, is outselling Cavaliers apparel throughout Ohio. In addition, local hospitals have announced the birth of several baby boys named Dirk, and even a baby girl named Nowitzkee—all named after a man who has played basketball in the city of Cleveland maybe 20 times in his career, always on the opposing team.

Reports also indicated that grown men and women, unaware of what their bitter, shriveled souls have been reduced to, continued to high-five their coworkers at the mere mention of a young man losing a basketball championship.

"This is what Cleveland fans have been waiting for," Peterman said in a statement that is just jaw-droppingly sad. "We wouldn't have been able to bear the idea of LeBron winning a championship somewhere else, because that would mean he was right to leave Cleveland. And if this celebration proves anything, it’s that he definitely made a mistake.”