January 20, 2012

You Probably Owe Me a Million Dollars! For Serious!

If I had a million dollars, I'd bet all of it on the proposition that the U.S. Government has the power right now to shut down any and every website, internet provider, etc., etc., etc., etc. it wishes, and to do so permanently. And they could throw a whole lot of people in jail because they "threaten national security" or violate some statute, regulation, administrative rule, whatever.

God loves me. He doesn't love these folks. And people arrested -- in New Zealand. So much for those getaway plans. (Despite what follows, there is nothing remotely funny about the actual story.)

So I won the bet. Oh, yeah, there was an actual bet. If you read the rest of yesterday's post (and I know you did!), you saw my musings from several years ago on the subject of all the powers granted to government buried in statutes, regulations, administrative rulings, and all kinds of other crap that you've never heard of. That maybe no one has ever heard of. But those powers are there somewhere. So, as I said, "the U.S. Government already possesses the power to do whatever it wants, whenever it wants, to whomever it wants."

But that's not true for the government alone. Oh, no. Nyuh-huh.

I have right here in my hot blogging hands a law from 1851. It's just part of a bill titled: "Protection of Our Open Parks and Safety of the Home and Interstitial Trellises." They had an acronym for it: "POOPSHIT." They had a sense of humor then. They weren't like today's pompous Washington assholes, at least not completely. And they knew words like "interstitial"!

You're probably wondering about the "trellises" part. There's a whole section about the crucial importance of trellises for displaying flowers and vines and stuff, and how trellises bring beauty to our towns and cities. I don't get it either, but them was different times, my friend. I guess trellises were a big deal to them. I'm just telling you what's in the goddamn bill. I didn't say I understand it.

But I understand this:

Section 2381, subsection A, subsubsection ccd94(v)(viii)(fff72a12): POOPSHIT also codifies the general understanding at common law (at least the general understanding as we understand it) that a binding contract shall have been formed between the author of any public proclamation of intent to form an agreement between said author and any other party who peruses said proclamation. This shall be true even when such intent to form an agreement is expressed in hypothetical or conditional form, typically designated by the employment of terms such as "if," "I wish...," "were it to be the case...," and so on. All parties to such binding contract formed in said manner shall be entitled to enforcement of the contract's terms.

It is the intent of this section that its provisions shall be applied to public proclamations that fall under the ambit of POOPSHIT, as well as all other public proclamations of any nature.

Applying this section from POOPSHIT to the instant case, we can say:

1. The blog post at issue is a "public proclamation."

2. I'm the author of said public proclamation.

3. The relevant language in the first paragraph of my post yesterday stated, "If I had a million dollars, I'd bet all of it..." The agreement is thus "expressed in hypothetical or conditional form" within the meaning of the statute.

4. If you read yesterday's blog post, you are "any other party who peruses said proclamation."

5. Applying the plain meaning of the statute to the public proclamation of which I am the author and where you are "any other party who peruses said proclamation," a binding contract was formed between us.

6. YOU OWE ME A MILLION DOLLARS.

You can be a person of honor and just send it to me. Or, you can make me sue you. You know you'll lose. This statute is still on the books, and it is good law.

But because I'm such a nice guy, I'll give you an out. It's nearing the end of the month. As regular readers know, I have no source of income other than donations to this blog. This blog WHICH UNERRINGLY PREDICTS THE FUTURE. I only have one-quarter of what I need to pay next month's rent. And I have some other bills that have to be paid (Department of Water & Power & Trellises, phone, internet, blahblahblah, FOOD).

That is, I'm, like, close to broke. So if you want to send a donation, even a small one, that would be wonderful. Maybe I can pay the rent, keep blogging, and continue to PREDICT THE FUTURE. (Of course, maybe you don't want to know the future, which I would completely understand. In that case, I'll see you in court.)

But if you send a little donation, I'll consider that the terms of our BINDING CONTRACT have been fulfilled. I'll even send you a notarized email saying that. (Okay, not notarized.)

Or, you know, you can feel HORRIBLY GUILTY for years and years and years. You'll have welched on a BINDING CONTRACT!! What kind of person are you?

But I know you're a great person and an all-around fabulous human being. I know you'll do the right thing.

Now the cats and I have to consult our crystal ball (Will the cats ever eat again? YOU have the answer!), so that we can write more posts PREDICTING THE FUTURE. Thank you for reading, and for being such a wonderful person.

P.S. That is a real statute. No shit. Haha. A little legislative humor there.