A great man once said: “All things in moderation.” Obviously he wasn’t referring to money, sex or snack foods, but generally speaking you don’t want to overdo things, especially the high five.

Since before the age of man, organisms have expressed satisfaction by slapping appendages with other brorganisms; neighboring trees would celebrate ejecting a woodpecker by reaching across to slap branches, prehistoric whales would slap tails after clicking a particular fresh blubber joke, and even the first amoeba to crawl out of the ocean took one look at land and turned back to his amoebros to say, “High flagellum!”

While animals were smart enough to only high five after something truly epic, everything changed after a group of cavemen witnessed two T-Rexes executing an awkward “stubby five.” Since that time, mankind has effectively neutered the importance of the high five by using it for mundane accomplishments like making a free throw, fixing the photocopier, or getting undercharged for drinks at the bar (Actually, that last one’s pretty sweet). Because of all this senseless high-fivery, the world has started to experience high five inflation, or “high five-lation.”

In response, authorities tried to institute a sliding scale in which a “high one” would acknowledge something mundane (e.g. stealing someone’s cab), a “high three” would be reserved for something slightly awesome (e.g. surprise flashing when a chick wearing a skirt stands on a subway grate), and a “high five” would only be invoked for something truly awesome (e.g. getting undercharged for drinks at the bar – the more I think about it the more I think that’s pretty much as good as it gets).

Unfortunately, the high 1-5 system had its flaws, notably how difficult it was for people who are missing digits or can’t count – often the same people. That’s why I’ve yet again come to the rescue by introducing the “high infinity” (copyright, patent pending… all that crap).

Please save the high infinity for only the most awesome of the awesome and remember: you’re not doing it right if you DON’T break your hand.