Sunday, December 16, 2012

Weight

It's a weight on my chest that makes me feel like I can't take a full breath. It's a pressure on my shoulders that make me tense my neck and shoulders to bear it up.

I hate that the best way to me to deal with this weight it to not think about it. To not watch the news, read the paper, look too long at Facebook or Twitter, and certainly not to click through links.

I feel like a coward that I can't "handle" this, that I can't bear it better. But I know myself, and I know where this can take me if I let it.

While some people joke that they don't like other people's children, I love other children ! I love babysitting for other families in my babysitting co-op, I have no problem correcting a child in the hallway at school, I adore taking my friends' kids for the afternoon. I enjoy spending time with my nieces and nephews and my friends' children.

I feel sad for the children and adults who died from Sandy Hook. I feel sad for the other children. I feel sad for their community. I feel sad for all of us.

Today at Mass, a new deacon preached the homily. He is a local boy, PG County born and bred. He went to CUA. My sister casually dated him for a while when they were in college ! He said in his homily that if we are not having regular moments where we are flooded with joy at the depths of our gratitude, then something is wrong. I know that feeling too.

I write regularly here about how grateful I am for my life. For overcoming obstacles that have helped to create this beautiful life. More than the crushing weight, I know these moments of being so grateful that my eyes fill with tears, I whisper "Thank You" to God, and I imprint that gratitude into my memory.