A funny-smelling salve to sooth the aches and pains brought on by today's news.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

A right-wing tribe known as the Neo-Comanches

Grammy-nominated R&B singer Wayna was arrested at a Houston airport after trying to get on a plane with a collapsible police baton that she uses while performing a song called “Billy Club.” Airline restrictions like that are why most male rappers prefer to sing about hoes.

At his virtual town hall meeting, President Obama said the Big Three automakers have to change their ways. This was actually good news for the auto industry since everyone else refers to them as the Small Three.

At his virtual town hall meeting, President Obama said the ideal path to universal health care is to build on the current employer-based system and not the European system. To prove his point that the European system doesn’t work, he then uploaded a picture of Amy Winehouse.

At his virtual town hall meeting, President Obama said he doesn't think legalizing marijuana is a good strategy for turning around the economy. Unfortunately, he didn’t have time to answer the follow-up question about why the Cheech and Chong reunion tour is sold out.

The government of Malawi has confirmed that Madonna is to trying to adopt a second child from that African country. With the nanny problems she’s had lately, she’s hoping to find a child that was raised by dogs or cats.

Governor Bill Richardson signed legislation making New Mexico the first state to adopt an official cowboy song: “Under the New Mexico Skies” by Syd Masters. Texas wanted to be first but border problems with Mexico forced it to drop “Don’t Fence Me In.”

Twenty-two students at St. Mary's College of California crammed themselves into a phone booth, recreating a popular college stunt from the 1950s. They missed the record of 25 because the booth was inoperable and the kids wanted enough room to reach for their cell phones.

Fans attending games of the West Michigan Whitecaps, a minor league baseball team, can dine on a 4-pound, $20 burger containing a whopping 4,800 calories. Anyone who eats the whole thing in one sitting gets a special T-shirt and is made an honorary backstop.

Matt Lauer returned to the “Today” show with his arm in a sling after flipping his bicycle over a deer. Everyone spent so much time talking about it, the cast of Matt bumped the cast of “30 Rock.”

L.A. police arrested a man for jumping a security fence at the studio where “Dancing With the Stars” is taped and trying to stalk contestant and Olympic gymnastics champion Shawn Johnson. It didn’t bother Shawn but dance Mark Ballas was wishing she was an Olympic weightlifter so he’d have a bigger partner to hide behind.

Merengue star Elvis Crespo is being investigated after a woman reported that he masturbated in front of passengers on an airplane en route from Houston to Miami. Those who got a glimpse of what Elvis grabbed were disappointed to find out it resembled a lemon meringue.

A Native American tribe is having trouble convincing the Texas state Legislature to let it reopen its casino because of a rule women from voting in tribal council elections. Apparently it’s a right-wing tribe known as the Neo-Comanches.

Kentucky Fried Chicken has offered to fill up potholes throughout Louisville in return for the right to stamp the newly repaired holes with the slogan, “Re-freshed by KFC.” It’s only fair since the potholes are caused by extra- heavy cars carrying people who eat a lot of KFC.

The Farrelly brothers say their new movie version of "The Three Stooges" may star Sean Penn as Larry, Jim Carrey as Curly and Benicio Del Toro as Moe. That’s what happens when you spend all of your money on special effects and have to leave the casting to a Magic 8-ball.

The headmaster of the prestigious institution Boston Latin School for boys says that contrary to popular rumors, the school is not a home for vampires. The rumors were started by pale geeky students hoping to get dates with “Twilight” fans.

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Welcome to Topical Rub!

Dr. Paul prescribes a daily dose of Topical Rub applied liberally or conservatively to where ever you hurt after the exertion of viewing the daily news, whether it be politics, sports, entertainment or just the unusual posing as reality. Topical Rub comes in two forms: short jokes for quick relief and selections from Paul's column "This Got Me Thinking" for long-lasting relief. Excerpts from Topical Rub are published by the New York Times Laugh Lines page, Huffington Post and other fine humor providers. For a custom batch of Topical Rub for your publication or web site, contact Paul at paulseaburn@earthlink.net or visit his web site www.humorhandyman.com.

About Me

Paul Seaburn is the head writer for 12th Street Jump, a jazz/blues/comedy show on KCUR in Kansas City and kcur.org. He was the head writer for "Taylor's Attic," an Emmy Award-winning family sitcom filled with zany puppets and original music for kids of all ages. DVDs are available on Amazon or at www.taylorsattic.com.
Paul is the former editor and writer for CapitalistBanter.com and contributor to nytimes.com and HuffingtonPost.com. He's written for Jay Leno, Dennis Miller, Bill Maher, many other comedians and speakers, "The Tonight Show," "Comic Stip Live," "Caroline's Comedy Hour" and numerous magazines and websites.