Follow me as I move beyond parenthood into childfree infertility resolution -- things may not have worked out how we'd hoped, but "success" is redefine-able!

Saturday, February 13, 2016

On Baby Showers

Baby showers are funny things. They exist pretty much for the sole purpose of receiving and publicly opening presents, a "shower" of gifts and support and love for events like marriage and babies. Both are events that require a building up of inventory to support your new life. Both are events that everyone goes to at some point in their lives, and maybe you have one or both in your honor, but really...most people don't enjoy them.

The good parts -- the food, the seeing friends and people from different spheres of your life (or the honoree's life).

The bad parts -- sitting through a very long period of gift opening and possibly not knowing a whole lot of people if it is someone else's shower. Having to explain how you know the bride/mom-to-be. And, if you are single or have gone through a bad breakup or are childless by choice or not or have recently failed a cycle or miscarried or your future as a parent is uncertain, it can be downright painful.

I myself was given two beautiful baby showers earlier this year. I was showered at school in late September, and showered by my friends and family in October. We had only been waiting for a couple months. It was a "Help us get ready for some mystery baby" shower, not a "help us welcome a baby that we're certain is coming in a particular window of time." It was by design. Because we could get a last-minute call and we could go from being not-parents to parents in a very short period of time with little to no warning, I wanted to be ready, sooner than later. I wanted to not bond with our baby while we took turns frantically shopping for basics in the giant BBB baby superstore. I wanted to have a real nesting period, I wanted to feel just as real as any other expectant mom. I didn't want to miss out on an experience, a milestone, a chance to get together with friends and family and celebrate the impending mystery arrival of a mystery baby. I also didn't want to wait until I was matched, and then run the risk that the match fell through and my shower would forever be tainted by association with a specific child who wasn't going to ultimately be ours. A relatively small risk, but one I feel perfectly fine with avoiding, even if it means that I feel silly later when we've been showered and my house is full of baby gear and a nursery that remains babyless a year later. (We're not there yet by any means, but it is a very real fear, although I maintain that I'm far happier being prepared than waiting and denying ourselves the joy of expecting in all its glory.)

I was lucky to have my wishes be honored. I was feted by my coworkers first, and then by friends and family near and far and from different periods of my life. It was lovely, if awkward. That gift opening part seems to go on forever and I get punchy real quick and borderline inappropriate.

Some pictures that sort of prove this:

Happy expectant parents in the middle school library, wondering where we'll put all this glorious baby gear

You can really see here where I've taken my ribbons and put them in my hair. You cannot see the tissue paper littering the floor where I violently threw it in a celebratory manner to make gift-opening unpredictable and more interesting.

Beautiful board books, and the look of "I am nearly done opening presents and am really not comfortable being the center of attention for this long, but I need to keep smiling and being enthusiastic although it hurts my face a little bit"

Friends and Family Storybook shower in October... The adorable shower balloon (that looked like a happy jellyfish) that stayed alive for a freakishly long time (October to December before we popped it), the beautiful shower organizers, and me wearing my Mom To Be tiara strangely reminiscent of an entirely different type of celebration before my first wedding involving scantily clothed men. This event was way better.

The Giving Tree gift area. We were truly blessed by so much generosity. Love the wagon.

Very Hungry Caterpillar food table. They really went all out with the theme, and it was fabulous.

I wish you could just open presents standing up... but that aside, me hitting Crazy Eyes phase of being uncomfortable at the center of things. There may have been cackling involved. Definitely there was insanely violent tissue-paper-tossing.

Proof I am capable of not looking insane and that I can be appropriate in facial expression when opening presents. Also, I learned to strategically place the present boxes and bags. I was worried about flashing people in my dress and so was so concentrated on my knees that I forgot to make sure my dress wasn't tucked into my belly. Oh well.

I thoroughly appreciated the efforts that went into my showers. The people who coordinated, the outpouring of love and support and baby booty involved. It was still a little awkward, and I felt mostly warm and fuzzy and excited to be at this stage while at the same time feeling like it was surreal to have so much baby stuff without a baby to enjoy it, without a bump, without a specific timeline in mind. There were people at my shower who came although it was difficult, even though I had no bump or defined baby on the way, and I appreciated the effort it took to come and was completely understanding when early departures proved important for self-care. Both showers were beautiful celebrations of our parenthood journey and how far we've come and how close we are to having a baby materialize in our home.

Since my showers, we have set some things up and have left some things to stay in their boxes, to be assembled and put in their place when we're closer to the main event. We have gift certificates and items on our registry waiting to be purchased with said gift certificates. I figure that will be a really great way to spend a weekend when we're feeling discouraged and down or like the adoption is really, really amorphous and far away. Then, BOOM, we will go out and buy our stroller. Or set up something still in its box. We have to leave some stones unturned so that we have something to look forward to while we wait.

You would think that with my own showers behind me and us in our perpetually positive mindset that we are expecting and the countdown has begun, we just don't know the endpoint...that other peoples' showers would be easy.

Surprisingly, that is just not true. I feel somewhat like a horrible person admitting it, because I thought being in such a good frame of mind with letting go of pregnancy and being so excited for adoption and all that is to come that I would be a baby shower CHAMP now. Not like before, when I sent gifts or showered 1:1 but could not, would not go to an organized baby shower. Too painful. The only exception was a friend of mine who had twins via IVF. I could go to hers, because she was a survivor. And she understood when I said I might have to escape to the bathroom to cry. Which I did. And because she had been there, she knew not to take it as me not being 100% happy for her, but rather that I wanted to celebrate her although it was desperately, painfully sad for me to be left behind.

But now I should be able to go to baby showers no problem, because I am also an expectant mother in my own way, right?

Hmmm.

I went to the first shower last month, for a friend who was matched through private adoption with an expectant mother through connections with a mutual friend. It was an adoption shower, which made it seem like it would be amazing -- except this wasn't a Mystery Baby shower, it was a Definite Baby Due in Two Weeks shower. There was a significant level of uncertainty gone. But, I was still okay, even though I didn't really know many people at all. I could say I knew my friend through adoption, but then was surprised when I was asked how old my baby was. "Oh, I don't have one yet." That was my first moment of prickling sadness. The second came when I was introduced as a friend through the journey but who was still in the trenches, waiting. (Which I felt in a way made me sound unsuccessful and again left behind, even though that's not at all what was meant. I felt very much Sad Sack Case again, since the other person we knew through adoption had brought her son home last year.) Then the kicker came. It was meant well, as an encouragement, but I was very much given a persuasive speech about how private adoption was so much better, so much faster, it's all about the connections, the more people you can connect with, I just want you to be in this place, yada yada yada. To me, it smacked of someone in fertility yoga class announcing a pregnancy and then proceeding to tell everyone how to do it, that they have the right formula of acupuncture and herbs, or prayers and meditations, or positivity and rituals to be successful. It drives me crazy, this feeling of "I was successful, and I have the secrets!" I get it -- you are euphoric and want others to feel this amazing feeling of being pregnant/being matched, but YOU DON'T HAVE EVERYONE'S ANSWERS. Not even remotely. You have YOUR answers. I kept repeating, "We are all going to do this in our own way" and that I actually was very happy with the agency and felt that the support offered to birth parents and adoptive parents and adoptees alike was invaluable, but after a while I felt like there was an unspoken commentary that I just wasn't trying hard enough. That if I would consider private I would get matched faster. (Again, all with the best of intentions in mind, but so upsetting.) Particularly upsetting because the mom-to-be's connection was a mutual friend, and it was ONE connection that resulted in this beautiful situation coming to a head. Not a ton of advertising, not putting herself out there to receive possible harassing calls from trolls pretending to be expectant mothers or having to sift through serious/not serious. It was a Right Place/Right Time situation that came to a head out of a beautiful connection that was decidedly not random, and not due to a ton of effort placed in private advertising.

I left that shower a bit early and spent the rest of the day in a funk. I was insanely happy for my friend to be in this position, as she had quite the road through infertility to get to adoption and this amazing opportunity with the expectant mother, and I enjoyed the present opening quite a bit, but I had a bitter taste in my mouth from a whole lot of "Shoulds" pointed my way. I felt outside the circle. I felt left behind, but also misunderstood in my choices. It was not a good feeling.

Fast forward to today, when I attended a baby shower for a friend who struggled with infertility and suffered quite a bit of loss and bewilderment and desperation in her journey. She is pregnant, and it is amazing. She is an incredibly sensitive pregnant person. I was thrilled to go to her shower and celebrate her miracle pregnancy, and I didn't feel bitter at all. I have had the ugliness of jealousy pop up from time to time when I think about how her experience will just be so much less complicated than ours, that she got the miracle on-a-break pregnancy that we will simply never have, that she will get this experience. It is completely and utterly muted however by her sweet disposition, her incredible sensitivity, and her lack of "pregnancy amnesia" that sometimes hits people who have experienced infertility and then become the worst pregnant people ever, making their profile pictures ultrasounds you can't escape on facebook, complaining nonstop to you about an experience you wanted desperately and have made peace with never having, etc. etc. etc.

The shower itself was gorgeous. It was in a beautiful room in a restaurant, it was well planned and tightly run so that it wasn't too long, games were unobtrusive (and I won one, which actually I won one at the other shower too. Cracks me up that suddenly I'm a baby shower winner, but the prize just isn't a baby, har har.), and they had the Baby Bingo that I so enjoy. You fill in the card with presents you think the mom will get, and then you pay attention to all the opening because if you get five in a row, BINGO. Brilliant concept. I had gluten free food options, including cupcakes she'd ordered special for me and one other intolerant guest.

The problem was the table where I sat.

They were all lovely ladies, people I knew marginally through our husbands and have met maybe once or twice before at Christmas parties or whatnot. HOWEVER. One woman had had her first baby three months before, and another was pregnant. Another young woman was somewhat recently married and excited to begin trying to have a baby. One more was interested in all things new motherhood, presumably because she is anxious to start on this path.

And so began two and a half hours of detailed birth stories, tales of not wanting to have children and then flipping a switch and deciding it was "the right thing to do" and getting pregnant fairly immediately. Of how pregnancy hormones kick in and all that mothering instinct is RIGHT THERE. (Oh wait, no hormones for me.) You just KNOW how to hold the baby and how to feed the baby and it all comes together. Tales of the moment conversations were had with husbands, deciding that babies were to be in the future. Drugs or no drugs. Long labors or short labors. Gender reveals or keeping it a surprise. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Statements like, "EVERYONE has a birth story, and they all seem to be SO DIFFERENT."

Yup. I have a birth story, and it sure is different. It's just largely unwritten and I won't be the author. (But what about another woman at the table, who is childfree and won't ever have a birth story other than the one that brought her into the world? How does that feel?)

No one asked about adoption or brought it up in that context, even though one woman asked me if I had kids earlier in the event and I said we were waiting to adopt, and then a few questions were asked before I was informed that it is SO MUCH HARDER to adopt internationally because of all the travel and immigration and whatnot, and I SO KNOW YOUR TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS because I KNOW SOMEONE WHO ADOPTED. Sigh. I mean, it was nice to have it be a question that wasn't just a pleasantry, but I wish people would think before they speak. This person was redeemed by enthusiastically congratulating me as she left and telling me that I absolutely needed to share the news when it came. But still... even when my gift bag was covered in owls and someone told the new mama at the table, "that's your nursery theme! Awww!" and I said, "It's mine too..." no one commented. I just couldn't hold court with an actual mom with a physical, non-theoretical baby. The celebrated Mom-To-Be did occasionally give me a nod and when opening things that I had gotten too, said, "oh, Jess has this!" Which was lovely and again speaks to her inclusive nature and sensitivity.

I left the table repeatedly to get more coffee or water or use the restroom, because it was just an onslaught of birth birth doula doula why the particular hospital she delivered in was the best. (That one smarted, actually, because it was the same hospital I would have delivered in, you know, if I was physically capable of getting and staying pregnant... but I kept my mouth shut. No one wants to hear Sad Sack at a joyous event.) It also bothered me greatly that those who wish to be pregnant spoke of it as an eventuality, with absolutely no sense of worry or possibility that it could be hard. Or simply not possible. It amazes me, being on the other side of that naivete, that people can live in such an iridescent bubble of innocence. Of course, in all probability, all of those women will get pregnant easily and women like me will remain a scary urban legend. All the more reason to keep my trap shut.

I felt kind of like an internal Debbie Downer, but at the same time I was enthusiastically oooohing and ahhhhing over all the baby loot, because it took me away from the ridiculousness at my table and brought it back to the FOCUS OF THE EVENT, which was my friend and her impending motherhood. That part was amazing.

And, towards the end, I met a friend of my friend's who was just starting her first (and hopefully last) egg donor cycle. SHE WAS ON LUPRON AND ATTENDED THE BABY SHOWER. Now, THAT is an amazing friend. (She said that was why she was downing the punch, ha ha.) All I could think was, thank goodness she wasn't at my table. We chatted for a while and I offered up that if she wanted to contact me I'd be happy to be a support, either information or whatever. I hope things work out for her, and I wished we had had more time to talk, although I could see the teary eyes starting at points in our conversation and I felt badly, like maybe talking about it at the baby shower was breaking down that cellular wall that kept the sadness and left-behind feelings on the outside. It was still lovely to meet a kindred spirit, someone for whom the shower was both celebratory of an infertility survivor, but probably difficult as well.

I guess the upshot is that regardless of how well-adjusted I think I am, baby showers are STILL HARD. They will probably always be hard. Even though I got my own and it's not something I feel I'll never experience, there's a difference when your shower lacks that sense of "someday... who knows when..." I didn't get to rub my pregnant belly. I didn't get to have an ultrasound of the baby growing in another woman's belly on the cake table. I don't even remotely have a due date. I will never join in on tales of birth stories, even if I have one that I witnessed as an outside-insider. I won't have miraculously thick hair from pregnancy (but I also won't lose it in clumps after the baby comes). There's so much I will have, so many beautiful experiences still to come, but it's still just so hard to acknowledge all the ones I've lost. And as much as in a way we revel in our uncertainty, living in the present and soaking up all we can from our just-us time, days like these make the uncertainty pull at my chest, reopening a gaping wound I've stitched up over and over again.

This will pass, and one day hopefully we will all have our own stories of new motherhood...it's just so hard not knowing when that story will be written.

16 comments:

Baby showers. Ugh. Showers in general. Double ugh. I get the point, I really do, but they generally are awkward events, particularly because there are always people there who are completely clueless that anyone would exist outside of the state of married/ pregnant. And there's this assumption that unless you've been in either state you have zero right to share thoughts or insights. Frankly, they were bragging. And bragging never is nice.

It's always hard to endure commentary from those who have caught the bragging bug. Smiling, telling them "that's nice" and walking away is usually the only way to handle it, but you also have permission to vent and know that their bad behavior isn't your issue.

I'm so sorry that you had to endure that. May the good part of meeting a new friend outweigh the bad.

They really are awkward! It was lovely to meet a kindred spirit, and now feasibly my baby shower days are over unless there are some serious surprises in my sphere. :) Oh, nope, that's not right, there's the possibility of one more... But that's okay. I wish I had the balls to say "that's not nice" and walk away, but I just sat with a plastered grin and focused on the presents. The woman next to me who lives childfree blatantly surfed her cell phone, so I guess that's an option too. (I could never though, because I'm there for the honored friend.) It is so frustrating that these events tend to bring out the worst in the attendees! THanks for your thoughts and advice!

Your shower photos and memories are lovely. I think you are so wise to have those experiences before placement etc. starts.

As for your accounts of your friends' showers, I applaud you for going and putting on your best face. I have pretty much ruled out going to any shower that is not for my nearest and dearest friend. There are a couple of friends whom I hope will be successful in becoming parents, and I will go to their baby showers should they have them and invite me.) Other relatives, work acquaintances, children of friends, etc? Nope.

Having said that I think a shower is a nice way for people to show support to the mom-to-be, so I certainly don't begrudge anyone. But it's also OK to say I don't like it, not for me.

Thank you! Both days were fun days, if awkward... :) I really tried to have my best face. Pretty sure I had some hairy eyeballs I couldn't control at both, but I did it! I guess I thought now that I'm at this point I had no excuse not to go to showers anymore, and now I know they are still desperately hard in their own ways. I think you are wise to know yourself and make your decisions on attending that way!

I loved seeing the pictures of your showers! What a lovely set of memories and I hear you about the timing and not having them linked to a specific match.

The friends' showers...ughhh. I think you're amazing for going to them and managing to get through. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I still don't go to baby showers unless it's a very, very specific situation, and the constant labor/birth story thing is awful. It leaves out pretty much anyone who has a less-than-straightforward story, sort of highlighting the losses.

Thanks -- it was surreal to have a babyless baby shower, two at that, but while I'm scared it was too soon I'd rather too soon than too late for sure. Oh, yes...left out. Left behind AND left out. I should have realized that the wound is not totally healed (and probably never will be...) but it really surprised me how tough it was to sit through all that birth nonsense. Thank you for your hope! One of these days there will be amazing news to share.

For one, your showers pics just make me feel really happy. I'm glad you carved out space for that rite of passage even if, culturallly, it's not automatic to do so. Second, all this stuff about showers - it has to be my favorite post on the topic ever. You just manage to say all the things about what a complex experience it is to feel happy for a friend and also wildly marginalized and misunderstood and raw with this tenuous "cellular wall" that holds everything together long enough to behave in socially appropriate ways and which gets its sustenance from lingering trips to the bathroom and the punch bowl. Yes.

Thank you so much! I was nervous I was going to sound uber bitter and whiny, or like not such a great friend, but it's my truth and I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. I wish it was more socially acceptable to talk freely about baby shower feelings in this state, without fearing that the honorees will see this and feel badly. I'm glad it resonated with you, and also sorry it resonates for you know what that feels like then... Ugh. I'm in Western NY, where are you?

Yes, showers are weird. I don't like them. Even when I am the recipient. So awkward. Now I hear there are "mini-showers" called sprinkles?!?! I mean seriously. I think it's great and everyone should have a shower to help celebrate and get all the needed supplies for their marriage or baby, but I think it has sort of become excessive almost. I have been to some over the top showers where either the recipient wanted it to be elaborate or the giver was just trying to show off. And that just sucks. Especially because in my family...you had the shower at someone's house and everyone pitched in and made stuff and you sat on the living room floor during gift opening.It is especially hard when your life isn't where you'd like it to be and you feel like an outsider. Those ladies at the table of the first shower were totally showing off and being braggarts and doing that thing where they make it like an exclusive club and that sucks. I am sorry. And shame on them for acting that way when they knew you were working toward parenting, as opposed to being someone who has never wanted kids, where I could see them being smug in that regard. I love your friend for being so inclusive during her shower and clearly making sure you felt like you belonged.

I love your shower pics. Crazy eyes is my favorite!! And the one after, where you have that "I can behave" face Hahaha. Both dresses you wore are super cute and really suit you! Love the asymmetrical pattern on the black and white one especially.I also thinks it's so cool that you are saving stuff to buy and open and put together. That will be a great distraction when you get THE call and have a lot of nervous/excited waiting for the BIG event.

Thank you for your thoughtful comment! I have to say in the tables' defense, they didn't all know my situation, but enough did to maybe politely change the subject (or not). It must be hard to NOT share your experiences when there was such a willing and eager audience for future reference... And yes, my friend was amazingly inclusive and wonderful. And meeting someone who didn't make me want to stick a fork in my eye was a plus, too! :) Ha, I have a zillion pictures of me making crazy eye face in one way or another... I don't know how NOT to do it when feeling uncomfortable or silly (or both). I'm glad you loved the shower pics! Now to wait for the BIG event to come and a reason to buy that stroller... :)

Also, birth stories are quite possibly the most alienating conversation topic. If people are telling stories about their kids, you have a chance of relating - you know kids, you remember being a kid. But if you haven't given birth (I havent), you're kind of screwed when it comes to birth stories. Sounds like a really tough day!

PS I had to comment using my google profile, which is very out of date. My current site is http://www.travelcraftjournal.com - thanks for stopping by earlier this week!

About Me

I am a married 41 year old special education teacher. I was on the path to mommyhood for seven and a half years before we made the difficult yet necessary decision to resolve our journey childfree. Our battle with PCOS and male factor infertility through 7 IUIs, 5 fresh IVF cycles (one with DS), 2 frozen transfers, and a fresh DE IVF cycle, a DE FET, a DS FET, 3 cancelled cycles, an ectopic pregnancy, an early miscarriage, and two and a half years of the adoption process ended in May 2017 with the realization that our quest for parenthood was endangering the life we have and the cost of persistence was too great to continue. It's been a long journey, and now our new reality is beginning. We look forward to the promise of our life together -- thank you for being a part of it!