Month: January 2016

Okay, so my son is so clingy. He cries whenever I try to do anything that doesn’t involve holding him and/or giving him attention. As this pattern has carried on for about two months, I’m pretty sure I need to be one of those moms who attach their child to themselves via wrap/carrier/sling because I don’t know what else to do anymore.

Let’s just get this out of the way. I’m a totally newbie, Jayce has been worn once or twice in our Jeep Traveler Baby Carrier (I definitely would NEVER recommend this carrier to anyone). After about two hours, my back killed. So, I asked some of the lovely ladies in my local crunchy mama Facebook group for advice. The verdict seemed to show that Ergo and Tula are top notch recommendations. So I’ve been oohing and ahhing over the Original Black Twill Ergobaby Baby Carrier…OH MY GOD it’s so freaking beautiful.

If I was loaded with cash or one of the lucky PowerBall winners of billions of dollars, I’d already be attached to me with my Sweet Prince nuzzled into my chest, but I have absolutely zero income (my fault I guess) and I didn’t buy a PowerBall ticket(not that I would have won if I did). So I guess I will continue surfing Craigslist, Facebook groups, and secondhand stores until my desperate Ergo Baby Carrying desire has been fulfilled or until I figure out how to successfully rob a bank (just kidding!)

I’ve decided that one cannot have enough baby clothes, ever. My child could have a new outfit for every day of his life (and never wear the same one twice), and even that would stop me from going to Once Upon A Child and spending $4o on more clothes. My child could have clothes all colors of the rainbow, and I’d still want to buy that new red shirt, the blue one too, and don’t forget the grey one.

Okay, I have a problem, but I’d rather roll out of bed stinky and loaded with greasy hair ready to go as long as my little love is fresh smelling and covered in the world’s cutest baby clothes. He’s spoiled, and he doesn’t even know it.

I will stick with my yoga pants, ripped at the bottom, covered in grease and bleach stains with my not-so-cute t-shirts (the only ones that fit me anymore) as long as my baby can stick with big blue bins of clothes that he’ll only be small enough to wear two or three times before he moves to the next size clothes

Yesterday just simply was not a good day. Jayce and I went over to Isaac’s house to visit him. Things have been busy, and neither Jayce nor I have spent quality time together in a while. Anyways, Jayce was crabby in the evening, and I didn’t know what to do. I feel like such a terrible mom when he’s crying, and I don’t know what he needs.

Due to our little cranky pants, we left early, and it really got me thinking about how much you have to give up. I’m not trying to complain or anything, but it’s just fact; as a mom you give up so much. The amazing thing about it though…is that it isn’t even a bad thing. Your bank account becomes theirs, and you’d rather make sure they have what they need before you have what you need. Your evening plans get cancelled for theirs, and you don’t mind because you just want them to be where they’re happy. Your body drastically change, but you were blessed to be their home for nine months because of it.

So yes, as a momma you do give up so much, but you gain so much more than you lose.

To be completely honest, I don’t have it together. I don’t think any mom really have it together. Better yet, any human being that has some set plan and has it all together is lying to you or themselves. My daily goals in general consist of keeping Jayce alive and completing about half of the school that I really should be doing on a daily basis.

I guess if I manage to complete more than that, I’m some sort of super mama, which is not a complain. My to-do list currently has 38 things on it. Oh, and I’m pretty sure every time I complete one thing off of the list, I have to add two more things to it.

Anyways, Isaac is taking me to see Star Wars Episode 7…finally! I can’t wait to see it. Anytime I do something for myself, I feel like a bad mom…especially because my little man won’t take a bottle even if his life depended on it. So I’m convinced that I will go to a movie to feed the selfish “me time” beast inside of me while my baby sits with his Grandmother screaming and starving.

And now, while my sweet little one takes a nap, I am working on crossing “blog” off of my list with a little of Gilmore Girls going on in the background. This is really starting to become one of my hobbies, so I don’t blame on taking it off my daily list any time soon!

I really love being a mommy, even though so many things about it make it the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I really love seeing my sweet boy smile, and he knows exactly how to make me smile even when I’m on the verge of crying. I love my “mom body”, including my stretch marks and extra pounds. I love how Jayce grabs onto my hair, just because he wants to be close to me, even though it hurts bad and it won’t be long before I cave and attempt to rock the whole shoulder length, frizzy, flat hair look. I love breastfeeding, even if it means leaking all over the place and having zero shirts that I consider cute.

I love having someone that I love so much that my happiness being second makes everything easy. I love being told I’m a good mom, even if I have days where I just don’t feel like I’m doing very good. I love that my room has been overtaken by Pack n’ Plays, diapers, and baby clothes covered in blow out poopy diapers and spit up.

I love that the first face I see in the morning is Jayce’s and that he’s so wonderfully happy in the morning time. I love that I now have someone to watch Star Wars with me because Lord knows this boy gets sucked into the TV. I love that I can dress someone up and dictate the fact that he’s a little Batman fan already. I love him, and I love this life I’m living.

I love being a mommy because my little boy makes it the most wonderful thing I’ve ever experienced. I wouldn’t take it back. I wouldn’t change this life. I’d do it all over again for him.

He’s a little bit colicky, and he’s far from independent. If I had a dollar for every time I was advised to “let him cry”, to “stop worrying about him”, or to “set him down”, I’d be rich. Seriously, my favorite black sweater with a hole in the sleeve would have been replaced by an expensive one that probably would’ve had spit up stained by now, but unfortunately, I will continue to wear my trashy torn sweater, and I’ll probably keep hearing crappy advice from judgmental mothers. Don’t get me wrong, I am young and new at all of this, so advice is welcomed, but the dirty looks that tag along with know-it-all mommas is so not.

I breastfeed him, and he refuses to take a bottle (I’ve tried every brand, different people giving it to him, me being gone). Therefore, for the next couple more months I won’t be away from him for more than a couples hours at a time. He needs me, and he’s allowed to. My sweet prince spent nine months inside of me, as close as possible. Why should I just throw away the comfort it brought him when I’m here to love and hold him.

I do realize that Jayce is my responsibility. I have never pushed him off on anyone else because taking care of him is my job. If I can handle holding him and trying to soothe him, why is watching me do so. His crying is louder and angrier if I let him CIO. He cals down an falls asleep better and sooner when I soothe him.

I am young. I had a baby at 16, but why does that automatically make me irresponsible and incapable of being an amazing mother? At 17, 25, or 40 I could be one of those moms who neglects her child to get drunk…so I say so what if I’m “too attached”. I have a beautiful bond with my son, good grades in school, and my son continues to come first always.

So no, I’m not sorry that I like holding Jayce. I’m sorry that my heart breaks when I hear him cry. I’m not sorry that I want to hold him until he falls asleep. I’m not sorry that I love him. I’m not sorry that he needs me. I’m not sorry that I’m too”attached.”

Because I love holding him. I love knowing he feels secure in my arms. I love that he falls asleep best in my arms. I love him. I love that he needs me. I love being “too attached”.

Yesterday my Sweet Prince turned four months old. Those months have flown by, and they’ve been bitter sweet. Every time I turn around, Jayce is laughing, smiling, sucking on his hands, and growing. Of course, it makes me proud! He’s getting closer and closer to being the wonderful boy that I intend on influencing him to be. He’s getting closer and closer to rolling, crawling, and talking.

There’s other times though, where I just want to freeze these little moments. I want my baby boy to stay his sweet and sassy four month old self forever. I want him to always want me as much as he does right now because I know pretty soon he’ll be a 9 year old who’s too cool to kiss his mommy.

At four months, he laughs lots, smiles even more, and he loves kisses. He’s sassy, but it’s usually just because he wants to be with momma walking around and being involved. You can’t blame the sweet boy, he spend nine months growing in me and doing absolutely everything with me!

My sweet little boy loathes tummy time no matter what I try! It doesn’t matter if there is something interesting to look at or if he’s on his boppy pillow. He rolls on his side, and every day he gets a little closer to rolling completely over. My sweet boy also is starting to like baths…I can even get some smiles out of him during them.

And obviously, over the past four months, my little boy has become such a wonderful little human. Every day I love him more and more, and I will love him all of my days (I mean how could anyone not love that face)! He continues to teach me patience, love, and strength, and I deeply thank him for loving me and letting me love him.

My “Mommy time” is either spent when Jayce is asleep or in the rare occurrence that he’s with someone other than me. For the most part, my choices of “Mommy time” are eating, sleeping, showering, or doing school, but every now and then I treat myself to something more special.

So here’s a list of some fun “Mommy time” things that I love.

#1 Baths…especially when they’re loaded with essential oils

#2 On Pintrest: I LOVE looking up creative ways to keep my family healthy and natural

#3 Taking pictures: I mean..who wouldn’t want to capture the beauty of life and their son growing up?

#4 Cleaning: I know many people absolutely despise cleaning, but I enjoy it as long as I can blast some wonderful music and get completely sucked into my job.

#5 Netlix: Okay, I admit that I get a little bit too emotionally sucked into my shows, but every now in then as a mommy it’s okay to be a little involved in someone else’s reality.

I’m in class through my online schooling at Bridges Virtual Academy called Project Based Learning. I love this class for so many reasons, and one of those reasons is because I’m given the opportunity to express myself, share my story, and show why I believe what I believe.

So let me start way back with a story that I’ve blogged about many times…

At sixteen years old, I found out I was pregnant. I knew from the very beginning, I wanted to keep him, and I wanted to be his mom. I grew up christian and always felt passionately against the idea of abortion. Adoption is wonderful, but I didn’t feel like that was the right choice for me.

At my very first doctor’s appointment I was about a month and a half pregnant, and I heart my baby’s heart beating for the first time. At that point, I could’ve made a decision to end that beating heart. My choice to have sex could have led to life of someone else ending, and that’s not okay.

My belly continued to grow, and everyone at school could tell I was pregnant. Admitting to my friends that had begged me earlier to be safe that I wasn’t was far from easy. Most of them have abandoned me at this point, but I know that someday I will find a new set of wonderful mom friends that offer parenting advice and encourage me the way that my old friends never did.

Then I met him. I met the boy who I loved more than an anyone I ever have. I met the boy who would someday call me momma. I met the boy that gave me the best reason to wake up every morning.

And tomorrow that reason will be four months old. I look at him when he’s acting all silly, and I know that getting an abortion would eliminate the most beautiful thing out of my life. I know that if I got an abortion the world wouldn’t get to see him smile or laugh. If I got an abortion, Jayce could never brighten my world. Jayce would never have had the opportunity to do anything because I would have changed that for my own selfish reasons.

I chose life because the the smiley boy above wouldn’t be in this world if I didn’t…

The holidays this year were far from usual. Anyone who’s from Wisconsin knows that December and January are loaded with tons of snow. Leading up to Christmas there’s big snow storms, busy malls, and so much Christmas music you could think your ear drums are about to burst, but not this year. We didn’t get any snow before Christmas, and that was a major bummer! I like my Christmases white!

Other than that, I think Jayce’s first Christmas was a good one. I loved that he got to meet some of his aunts, uncles, and cousin. He is beyond loved this Christmas, and he will be loved every other Christmas for the rest of his life.

And New Year day was just as wonderful! I brought in the New Year with Isaac, and I even got to kiss him at midnight for the third year in a row! Although our little boy was asleep before 12 am, the next day he hung out with Cwyn and Nell. I can’t wait to spend another year with him.