Thursday, January 31, 2008

Ugh! Everything's the worst! I logged into my bank account today to see if last week's paycheck had gone in yet and i noticed my balance was much lower than i remembered it being four days ago. as i clicked to see further details, i noticed that once a day, for the last three days, someone withdrew about 600 bucks from my bank account (600 x 3 =!!!!). I felt so violated! And worst of all, based on the brief transaction info, it looked like i got ripped off by a foreigner!! damn them! so i get on the phone with my bank and they assure me that everything will be back to normal after their investigation, but it appears that somebody made a clone of my card and is having fun withdrawing money from fucking BUCHAREST. AAARGH!! thank god i was permanently injured in that car wreck five years ago and i'll still be able to cover my rent when the fucking check i just sent out clears. ARJGHRERJGHRJE!! :(

[american idol is on the television. there are two rather large women, brittany and corliss getting the featured auditioner treatment.]

Brittany: My name is Brittany WescottCorliss: And my name is Corliss Smith and we are both 20 years old and we are from Jacksonville, Florida. Brittany: We like to say that we're sisters, we were probably separated at birth... We like the same food...

Sara: All of it?

i'm going to hell

[edit -- oh now i feel bad because i just watched their audition and really they aren't that big...and also they have lovely voices. damn my conscience!]

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

umm, so i know i'm the only person who watches this stupid fucking show, (i can't look away! please help me) but this finale is just too much for words. i'm watching by myself and giving shocked looks all around my living room, just hoping someone will appear and tell me that this is real. The top four teams are competing in a pageant finale tonight...for the opening number, all teams (including those booted) came together and did a sassy dance/lip synch mom v. daughter of 'anything you can do i can do better'. guys. it was crazy. and then they had the first competition of the evening--swimsuit. one of the moms (the one who is visibly the oldest and also visibly the one who's had the most work done) was wearing a bikini as skimpy as her hellion of a daughter and that's when i clawed my eyes out. i'll come back after the next segment. think of this as a pseudo-live blog...because i don't have a laptop, so i have to run back and forth...

okay i'm back. we had the results of the swimsuit competition announced and the talent competition occured. my least favorite team (of two of the most horrible women ...the aforementioned bikini mom) got last place. haha! then one of the moms (the one who had a kidney transplant, a knee injury, and who cries at every possible moment) feels faint and slowly sinks down to her knees. surprise surprise. this segment wasn't as shocking as the first because the teams all did the same talent we were shown a few weeks ago. the big difference being my least favorite team screwing up big time (it really is sweet revenge watching them crash and burn). be back after the third segment...

nothing major happened during the evening gown competition. however, we did find out that all the losing teams that came back and were in the opening number have to stand on stage like duds for the entire pageant. they don't even have any light on them!!

oh geez. so we come back from commercial to hear the results after the evening gown competition. they start with the team that scored the highest, then name second place...then one of the cabana boys (all dressed up in a tux) brings out the desashing scissors as the has-been host proclaims an ambush desashing. amazing. and i think this was supposed to be suspenseful, but judging by how poorly that redheaded bastard team was doing, it came as a surprise to no one when their sashes were cut. during their exit interview, we saw old lady underboob through her sheer evening gown. ugh. fake underboob too. shudder.

ok soo....while i was typing up that last section, my dvr unpaused because it started recording something and wasn't done recording the other thing. so i don't know how the interview portion went...i don't really care though. i hated the redheaded team and as long as they didn't win i was happy. what is unfortunate though, is that i'm sure i missed a hell of a closing number.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Did anybody watch tonight's (tuesday) episode of American Idol from Nebraska?...because Paula was like, a 9 on the waste-o-meter. She showed up late to the auditions and ryan told us it was because her plane was late. i call bullshit for several reasons. i think they couldn't get her out of the coma she was in on time....it's like they roused her and then just pushed her into the room. she could barely keep her head up! at one point she presented her butt to randy. and at the end she leapt up and screamed "TOUCHDOWN!!!!". also, she's paula abdul. anyway, i thought it was pretty hilarious because we haven't seen Very Wasted Paula in a long time, so it was a nice trip down memory lane. the only thing that came close to being that good during the rest of the episode was when one golden-ticketed contestant was descending the escalator with her parents behind her...she says to the camera: "I can't wait to go to Hollywood and prove Simon wrong because I'm gonna be America's Next Top Model!!!!" (mom cracks up behind her)

Saturday, January 26, 2008

You know you're getting old and crotchety when you turn on the newest season of The Gauntlet on mtv and you only recognize four (maaaybe 5) of the contestants...and two of those are Beth and Coral. (seriously, is this all Beth Stolarcyzk has been doing with her life? She's in all of these challenges!) Seeing all these people I absolutely do not recognize (and most that i'm older than...allow me a minute to cry about this) got me wondering....do they even show Road Rules anymore? So I checked out the straight facts on wikipedia (because you know that info is some reliable shit) and it's there I learned that there apparently was a road rules in 2007 but before that there hadn't been one since 2004. Where are they getting all these contestants from?! I don't really watch real world anymore, but i usually at least see enough to recognize faces. When was there a Real World Austin??? What the hell is Fresh Meat?? who are all these whippersnappers? i need to take a nap.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Heath Ledger's untimely death reminds me of another recent death i meant to acknowledge here, but that idea, much like this fellow's career, was soon forgotten (too soon for that?) Brad Renfro...poor young brad renfro, who died January 15, 2008 at the tender age of 25....i remember him as one of my early crushes, though i can't remember exactly what role put him there...i know he did great work in many small films. unfortunately he succumbed to his drug problems (actually...i think its still unknown, but we can pretty much guess here.) he is apparently survived by a young secret son who lives in Japan with his mother. double saddies. maybe matilda ledger and Y renfro can mourn together in the future.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Umm...Heath Ledger is dead. and i feel really weird about it. I just saw this on the news...i guess his body was found about an hour and a half ago in his bed...surrounded by some sort of pills. nothing funny about this. just sad.

Monday, January 21, 2008

two days ago, i called up a buddy and she said that she was watching america's next top model. i said, "is there a marathon going on?", and she replied, "when is there not an america's next top model marathon going on?".

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Welcome back to another installment in our new "Tales of Wooing" series, where we share notable and innovative ways in which city men have cast their lures upon us. I had a shoot today, and my first duty of the day was to pick up the rental van so i could collect folks and shuttle them to set. I got in a cab at 5:30 this morning (yipes) and headed over to good ol' courier to collect my vehicle. After the fellow in front of me finished up his business, I approached the counter and told courier window man that i was picking up a 15 passenger van (yeah ricky, i DO drive vans for a living. i know you judge me for it.) and gave him the po #. as he was filling out the paperwork, he walkied to his man downstairs to let him know what i needed so they could get it ready.

pretty good. it's kind of like i have men all over town taking me out to dinner and giving me nice cars. but actually more like getting a free large soda and the promise of chips and giving me a rental van that has all rearview mirrors intact. and like, a bumper.

the best part, i think, happened after i bid adieu to the window man. i headed downstairs to find my chariot for the day, and i meet van retriever man face to face. he smiles at me and says "He wants us to get you a nice-looking van because he thinks you're nice-looking." thank you, sir, for spelling that out.

fourfour is always way quick on the uptake, especially when it comes to top model. so while it may not seem like very long since what's-her-name took the competition in early december, pictures of cycle 10's hopeful bitches are already up. i'll start picking the perfect team very soon, but as of right now, i'm liking Allison, Atalya (bk represent!), Fatima, and Whitney (who appears to be a plus size. wasn't there already a plus-size whit?) i should root for anya because she's from honolulu, but she looks too broken marionette for me. it looks like dominique is this cycle's trantastic girl (following in the footsteps of jaslene and coryn) and apparently, spilling her soul about getting raped wasn't a bad choice after all for Marvita...who may have not made the cut to the 13 last time, but reappears this cycle. oh tyty, always so giving. who wants to join me for some fafa fantasy team fun this cycle?

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

i do not believe that there is one definitive moment when we realize that we are no longer young, but rather a series of them. Yesterday I experienced one of these moments when i witnessed a baby (maximum age of 2) in a stroller on 3rd ave operating and listening to an ipod. i am just going to admit this right now - i am 26 and do not know how to operate an ipod.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Friday, January 11, 2008

Y'all. I have just been omg-ing OUT! When i was a wee lass, American Gladiators was one of my favorite shows. I loved it so much and I wanted to be on it when I grew up. (This would make more sense if you knew me circa ages 5 - 14...I used to be pretty athletic. No i'm not making that up.) I loved it so much that when Nickelodeon made their kiddie knock-off Guts, I was elated. Now i didn't have to wait until I grew up. Sadly, this dream never came true...however, another one did. Earlier this week, nbc relaunched american gladiators and it is possibly the most awesome thing that ever existed. disregard the poorly scripted nanomoments and laila ali's stiff delivery, and try to enjoy hulk hogan as part of the bigger picture. as for the gladiators themselves? the chicks are not as scary as they used to be (though there are a couple...fury, stealth -- i'm looking at you)...a couple of them are pretty hot. most of the dudes i want to lick. or eat gummi bears off their abs (again, save for a couple). take half of what makes MXC so good (the hilarious/unintentional physical body damage the contestants take, not the hilarious overdubbing) plus all the shiny lights...i'm too overstimulated! in the best way possible! watch how the gladiators just toss the undermatched scrawny little contestants that off of that pyramid!! oh, and in the very first episode, the very first match, the team blue woman injured herself to the point where she had to have her alternate come in for her. Wow! Those Gladiladys sure gave her quite the beating, you say? Why no, she was running from a Gladilady towards her bucket of balls (i still pretend i'm depositing balls in those buckets when i throw trash away) and lost her footing. FOR SHAME!

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

When it comes to random guys in nyc catcalling or mumbling something like "i'll show you what you're missing baby" as they pass, i think my good friend cyanide put it best when she said that it's something that you never quite get used to around here. in general, i hate it. it does not make me feel pretty or loved. sometimes, the things a dude comes up with are pretty hilarious and i will laugh out loud (or LOL) as i pass them....it's like, if you had one sentence to try and woo some random girl passing you in the street, you'd think you'd come up with something better than "hey baby" or "i likes what i sees*" (*- this one unfortunately has never personally happened to me, but a girl can dream)...it's like...do they really think i'm gonna turn on a dime, throw my arms around them and say "wow, nobody has ever said anything that romantic to me before! i'm all yours!" who does it benefit? but i digress...so yeah, usually it's annoying, sometimes its hilarious, if they catch me at the right time it might make my day a little better, but this rarely happens. however, if you throw in free stuff, we're in a whole new ballgame.

my love of subway sandwiches is no secret, so you can imagine my joy when i moved into a new neighborhood last summer and found a subway sandwich shoppe a mere three blocks from my apartment. (coincidentally, there is also a subway train station at the same place. imagine the possible hilarious mixups!) however, i've been turned off from this subway since it seems to have erratic, fly-by-night hours. twice i've gone there before nine, with the flourescent sign flashing open, gotten one foot in the door, and some 18 year old worker is in there chatting up some girls as he turns to the door and says 'we're closed'. shady, i know. unfortunately, since i got back from my trip sunday night to an empty refrigerator, haven't had time to make it to the grocery store, and have already exhausted the only two other food options in my neighbeehood that i'm aware of, i thought i'd give the subway a try. after all, i was going before 8, and no subway in its right mind would close by then. i walk over and see the open sign, fully expecting to have to just pick something up at the grocery store anyway, walk in and see the 18 year old kid stacking chairs and cleaning and start to get discouraged. i make it through the door and all the way into the eatery without anyone telling me that it's closed. success! i wait behind some other dudes in line as a sandwich artiste i've never seen before keeps eyeing me whilst serving them. when my turn comes, he keeps shooting me smiles and being overly friendly. i coach myself to be prepared to respond that i have a boyfriend (being perpetually single and having an aversion to lying, i get myself in a lot of awkward situations). he asks if i'm spanish, i respond that i'm mexican. he then says "beautiful...you're beautiful" so i thank him and tell him what toppings i'd like. he then says "well someone has to tell you." i thank him again and ask for mayo. he finishes up my sandwich and rings it up, totalling a mysteriously low $4.00. i pull my hands out of my pockets to get my wallet and he says "oh so you don't have one. i was waiting to see your hand." great, now i have to start wearing a fake wedding ring around. i'm at that age. he continues "well you can take me out anytime." i laugh uncomfortably. i pay my four dollars and he gives me a huge drink cup for free. i thank him again and go to fill up my deliciously free large beverage. i turn to leave and he says "want any cookies or chips?". I respond 'no thanks. maybe next time.'

ok great. i got some free shit and could've had more. cool. but if this goes the way of the gyro man from park slope, i might have one less eatery in kensington. i guess my question is this: do i get myself in these situations because i just can't bring myself to lie to a stranger about an imaginary significant other, because i accept free gifts (who wouldn't?), or because i unnecessarily offer hope for a future? or like, all of the above?

Monday, January 07, 2008

According to this People.com article, presenters and nominated actors for this Sunday's Golden Globes are refusing to cross the picket lines. This leaves me with a couple of questions.

1 - Will the presenters most likely keep their gift bags newayz?2 - What will the actual televised show be like, since the GG's have also stopped using a host? Will it just be a shot of a lone golden globe award, sitting on the stage behind a microphone for three hours (interrupted only by the Best Reality TV award of course...is there even one of those at the Golden Globes?)?3 - Will the show still probably run long? (yes)4 - Will the writers on the planned picket lines at least be dressed up so we can have SOME gowns to talk about?5 - Can i go onstage and accept a golden globe for someone?6 - Can we please stop giving awards to Medium's Patricia Arquette? I mean, seriously, love the show, but her snaggletoothed acting is certainly something that counts against it. 7 - Do you think those actors and actresses that might get a first-time award this year will be really really sad about not being able to publicly thank the world and Jesus for their tremendous success?

We here at Cooler than Stupid know that we're your first stop when it comes to the latest news about Taylor Hicks, and today is no exception. According to the website of the only magazine i subscribe to, ew.com, Taylor Hicks has been dropped from his label, J Records. I guess they finally caught on to what I said the day after he was crowned 2006's American Idol. A refresher:

"America then realizes that voting for someone because he's quirky, dances funny, has gray hair, and shouts "soul patrol!" excessively enough to make some people think he has a very peculiar type of tourette's is really only fun when you can watch the dude. Which you can't really do with a cd. America then shrugs." (Martinez, 2006)

Sunday, January 06, 2008

hi friends, sorry for the lack of posts on my part for the past couple weeks!

i was on a family field trip to the untapped wilderness of wyoming (except for by yuppie tourists). actually, it appears that the national park service has very consciously kept yellowstone national park wifi free, because instead of seeing the sights,talking to one another and playing dominos (not quite sure why there were so many people there playing dominos), people would probably just be parked in front of their laptops in the lodge. luckily yellowstone DOES indeed have a bar - which is where my ass was parked through most of our stay. we were plagued with completely unfunny travel/airplane woes throughout the trip, but since this is a comedy blog - i won't go into it in great detail....oh fuck it i'm going to talk about it anyway....new years eve was spent (unexpectedly) at an airport hotel in the chicago o'hare vicinity.......we also got to have a very short (also unexpected) driving tour of the icy roads of the salt lake city/rural wyoming area (so rural in fact that at some points there were actually zero radio stations).

in other not so recent news (this happened about a month ago), sara and i were once again extras in a short film.....and once again it was through my pal jen. we didn't get to dance in this one, but we did get to drink fake booze (apple juice and gatorade)! sara actually got to walk through a shot (this is a BIG deal people) and i stood in the way background blocking the shadow of a christmas tree. my part could have easily been played by a coat or possibly a tarp, but i'm glad they gave me a chance to shine.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

First of all, Happy New Year!! Let's all be Great in '08. And for those of you that will celebrate the Chinese New Year in a few weeks, I hope your Year of the Rat is a prosperous one.

Down to business, I was flipping through some late night tv last night on the television in the room where I spent my formative years....no digital cable there, just a tv plugged into the wall that gets hawaii basic cable (regular channels plus your cartoon network, lifetime, various nickelodeons, spike, etc. a nice mix, but nothing fancy) and i flip past a channel that would've made me do a spit take had i been drinking water at the time. whence i backtracked to the channel, my initial sighting was confirmed. there were two ladies in their mid to late 20's hawking a variety of dildos and vibrators in a qvc-like manner. the one lady who was clearly in charge (i'm sure the type to wear a strap-on whenever possible) did all the descriptions in a quick and impressive manner, while her sidekick would interject every now and again how much she enjoyed particular products. she was a big fan of the jackrabbit series.

how much do you think i just upped cooler than stupids' traffic by including the words "vibrator" "dildo" and "strap-on" in that post and then typing them again in this sentence and again in the post labels?