Closeted Badasses: 6 Famous Wusses That Would Own You

Every guy has done it: You're watching TV when some metrosexual nancy boy comes bandying across the screen to the delight of every female in the room. "What's that pussy got that I don't?" is usually the question we're left asking. Unfortunately, the answer is often "a whole lot." For example ...

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6

James Blunt

Who Is This Wuss?
James Blunt is the helium-voiced, Jagger-lipped balladeer who burst onto the scene in 2005 with your mom's favorite song, "You're Beautiful." Once his career took off, Blunt could be found every time you turned on your fucking radio or television, including on such rawk-ready shows as Oprah and Sesame Street, where he sang a reworked version of "You're Beautiful" called "Triangles." Jesus tapdancing Christ.

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According to our friend Wikipedia, "You're Beautiful" received massive airplay in the U.K., which helped propel Blunt's debut album, Back To Bedlam, to No. 1 on the U.K. albums chart. This helped unseat Coldplay's X&Y from the pole position, a fact we only mention because those last few words manage to make James Blunt and Coldplay sound even gayer. In short, James Blunt is the kind of guy you'd probably like to punch clean in the face. If he walked into the room, the only thing stopping you would probably be a sense of pity, and possibly the fear of doing some sort of lasting damage to his delicate, child-like frame.

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Why He Owns You:
Have you ever driven a tank? James Blunt has. Before launching a career in leprechaun troubadourism, James Blunt served as a captain in the British Army. Granted, it's the British Army, but you can bet your ass that the training required to make captain involves learning several techniques that would see to it that he could whoop your ass six ways to Sunday before you land a single womanly slap.

To make matters worse (for you), during the war in Kosovo Blunt was put in charge of leading 30,000 troops into the Kosovan capital. So not only could he fuck you up proper, he's the type of dude that people put in charge of ordering around tens of thousands of other men fully capable of doing the same. It should go without saying he leaves a trail of vanquished supermodels in his wake wherever he goes.

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5

Michael Flatley

Who Is This Wuss?
Michael Flatley is the fancy-footed Irish-American step dancer behind beloved prance fests like "River Dance," "Lord of the Dance," "Feet of Flames" and "The Celtic Tiger." This is where we'd normally insert a joke about how we made one of those names up. Not this time.

"The Celtic Tiger," his most recent show, explores the struggles Ireland faced as it grew as a nation hellbent on overcoming its oppressors. It explores these issues through the power of gay-as-all-hell tap dancing performed in unison. In 1998, Flatley made the Guinness Book of World Records when he achieved an astounding 35 taps per second, a record later broken by some dude named James Devine. Well, fine, try topping this James: In September, 2000, the Sorbonne in Paris awarded Flatley their prestigious ... um ... "Coq Flambee" award.

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According to Wikipedia, this is vaguely described as being awarded for "his commitment to furthering Franco-Irish relations." And just when you think it can't get any gayer, Mike has to go and start playing the flute. Yep, Michael Flatley is an acclaimed flautist with three albums to his credit. What a pussy, right?

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Why He Owns You:
Wrong. For you, Michael Flatley is an embarrassing ass beating waiting to happen. With all of the prancing about and flute-playing, you might expect him to have been raised by Hobbits. It's misconceptions like this that will have you lying unconscious in a mosaic of your own teeth and blood should you ever see him in public and decide to engage in a little sissy-boy taunting.

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Michael Flatley actually grew up far from Middle Earth, on the South Side of Chicago. Tripping the life dancetastic while growing up in one of the most notoriously blue collar sections of America suggests an "I don't give a fuck" attitude. That attitude probably comes with the comfort of knowing that, if questioned, he always has those years of training as a boxer to fall back on. Shit, we should've mentioned that earlier. In between flute lessons and ascending to the very heights of "River Dance" dominance, Michael Flatley found the time to win a Golden Gloves boxing championship in 1975.

Not only is Michael Flatley The Lord of the Dance, he's also the Lord of the Ring. If dude can tap his feet 35 times in 60 seconds, it's a pretty safe bet he can drill you in your unsuspecting face at least half that many times in the same minute. Probably while impressing your girlfriend with his fancy-boy dance moves.

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4

Mark Harmon

Who Is This Wuss?
Mark Harmon is the pretty boy actor who first made his name as Dr. Bobby Caldwell for three seasons on the NBC drama St. Elsewhere. In the type of logical, well-crafted script writing that was a cornerstone of the show (see the "it was all in the autistic kid's head" finale), Harmon's character went from caring, compassionate surgeon in seasons one and two to obnoxious, womanizing, AIDS-inflicted sleaze ball in season three. This was 1985, a time when a lot of the world still considered AIDS "the gay disease." Luckily for a lot of the world and their misconceptions, Harmon looked like this at the time.

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After leaving the show, Harmon briefly took a trip down Awesome Street to play Mr. Freddy Shoop in the '80s film classic Summer School. Soon after that, though, it was back to wussy bullshit you've never seen like something called Flamingo Road. Since 2003, Harmon has starred on the CBS drama NCIS in the lead role of Leroy Jethro Gibbs, a role clearly written for a 1930s delta blues musician, but for some reason given to the goofy dipshit from St. Elsewhere instead.

Why He Owns You:
In 1972, the UCLA Bruins football team, who had gone 2-8 the season before, faced top-ranked, two-time defending National Champion Nebraska in their season opener. All involved parties expected the Bruins to function as an appetizer for the defending champs. Forty-eight minutes later, Nebraska's 32-game winning streak had ended and the UCLA Bruins had pulled off one of the biggest upsets in college football history. It was led by a freshman quarterback starting his first game ever ... the fucking stud from St. Elsewhere.

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Mark Harmon went on to play two more seasons as the starting quarterback at UCLA, a school he opted to attend only after turning down offers from college football powerhouses University of Michigan and University of Oklahoma, which probably worked out in the long run since Oklahoma's film industry has been lagging lately.

Also, you know the above picture of Harmon wearing a Cliff Clavin disguise? That role directly led to Harmon being voted People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" in 1986.

This is proof that it's impossible to overestimate Tom Selleck's influence on what was considered cool in the '80s, and that before it was all said and done, Mark Harmon probably scorched a pretty wide canyon in the lush and ample landscape of Southern California pussy. Basically, if you know a woman who was between the ages of 16 and 80 and living within a 30-mile radius of L.A. between 1972 and 1986, it's a mathematical certainty she tried to fuck Mark Harmon at least once.

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3

Wilmer Valderrama

Who Is This Wuss?
Wilmer Valderrama made his name playing Fez, the dark alley beating-worthy, foreign exchange student of indeterminate descent for eight goddamned seasons on That '70s Show. In real life, well, not much different. After moving to the United States at the age of 13, Valderrama quickly picked up English in part by watching episodes of I Love Lucy. Badass! It was said in one teen magazine that Rob Thomas of MATCHBOX TWENTY helped him learn English, also. Whether it was in person or through the magic of his songs isn't specified, but either way, that manages to out-pussy I Love Lucy reruns.

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Aside from That '70s Show, Valderrama hosted Yo Momma, an MTV show so offensively bad it actually becomes surreal if you manage to look directly at the TV screen for more than 60 seconds.

He's also been victimized on "best friend" Ashton Kutcher's MTV show Punk'd a whopping three times. That's a record folks!

Why He Owns You:
In a word, chicks. Lots and lots of chicks. It's not unusual for the occasional Hollywood doofus to land a smokin'-hot young starlet seemingly millions of light years out of his league. It happens all the time. But over the past decade, Wilmer Valderrama has put together a string of conquests that would make even the most hardened cocksman flaccid with envy.

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A certified friggin' sex machine, on a 2006 appearance on the the Howard Stern Show, Fez went into detail about his time spent nailing hookers as a youth in Venezuela, his time spent nailing hot actresses as an asshole in Hollywood, and his reportedly 8 plus-inch wang.

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Sure, that last part could be a fabrication, but it's probably not respect for his acting talent that has him being romantically linked to the likes of Mandy Moore, Lindsay Lohan, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Biel, Sofia Vergara and Jessica motherfuckin' Alba. Our team of researchers confirms the chances of you ever speaking to, much less boning, any of these women are scientifically less than zero.

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2

Elvis Stojko

Who Is This Wuss?
We'd venture a guess that no sport in the world incites more multilingual shouts of "look at that fucking queer!" then male figure skating. With the graceful, flowing choreography, raging crotch bulges and costumes that look like they were designed for Tina Turner in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, it's hard to fathom a heterosexual male seeing another guy figure skating and saying, "Yes, I want to do that!"

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In this world of questionable sexuality, Elvis Stojko is probably as good as anyone else. We really don't know enough about male figure skating to tell you for sure either way. Let's see, according to Wikipedia, he was the first male to land a quadruple double jump combo. Awesome, we guess. In 1994, he won his first world championship at Chiba, Japan while skating to, wait, is this right? While skating to Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story. Nice!

In 1995, he won his second world championship skating on a not fully-healed broken ankle and landing a triple lutz, triple toe loop combination in the free skate event. Hmmm, the broken ankle thing is cool, and triple toe loop would be cool if they called it what it is: a 1080. At the 1997 Grand Prix finals, while skating to the Dragonheart soundtrack, he became the first man ever to land a quadruple triple combination. Shit, he sounds pretty alright ... for, ahem, someone who is obviously such a total pussy.

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Why He Owns You:
Looks like there's one more section to his Wikipedia entry. Martial arts? Oh, holy shit! Elvis Stojko is trained in karate and received a black belt at the age of 16. We could summarize what happened next, but really the facts are so badass that quoting directly from Wikipedia is better than anything we could come up with. After getting a black belt in plane old karate, Elvis felt "he needed ... to find a style that would truly fit him (and) ended up meeting Sifu Glen Doyle, a three-time Canadian Kung Fu Champion ... Sifu Doyle's style of kung fu 'Hung Gar' was for combat and not flash and that is what caught Elvis' eye."

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So, not content with just learning plain old karate, Elvis wanted something a little more applicable to ass kicking. Why would a figure skater ever need to fuck someone up? We like to imagine Stojko spends his free time cruising the frozen lakes of Canada until he finds a hockey game, straps on a pair of ice skates and practices his triple toe loops in hopes of drawing some taunts. And when those taunts come, let the combat begin!

If you would like to join Elvis in his fight to bring justice to maligned figure skaters everywhere, he spends his free time teaching at the Cead Bua Fighting Faction School, which based on the name we're guessing looks something like this when in session.

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1

MC Hammer

Who Is This Wuss?
In the late '80s, MC Hammer made the world a less-awesome place for just about everybody with the release of the album Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em. With the album's first single, "U Can't Touch This," MC Hammer took what had previously been a form of music embraced almost exclusively by badasses and pimps and catapulted it into the shopping malls. Had this been accomplished by someone like Rakim or Big Daddy Kane, you might be wearing an eye patch and drinking out of a bejeweled goblet right now. Instead, mainstream America's first exposure to rap came in the form of a smiley song and dance man in shiny clown pants, giving most white people the impression that good hip-hop is just a catchy beat, and a willingness to dance once the cameras roll. Apparently that impression stuck and 20 years later, we get to hear "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" 10 times a day and could probably do the damn dance if some sadistic bastard put a gun to our head.

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Why He Owns You:
If we told a fat joke at your mother's expense what would you do about it? Probably nothing. If you were MC Hammer though, you would most likely get on the phone with a gang leader and put out a hit on our life. That's exactly what he allegedly did in 1990 after white rap duo 3rd Bass repeatedly dissed him on their debut LP The Cactus Album. In particular, the line "the cactus turned Hammer's mother out" prompted Hammer to put a $60,000 hit out with one of the biggest gangs in Los Angeles.

Thats right, the man spent the 1990 equivalent of two Lexuses to avenge a phrase that sounds like random words being read off a Scrabble board. We'd always heard he liked to spend money, but we had no idea how very little MC Hammer fucks around when it comes to his mother.

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After being warned of the impending hit, Def Jam Records president Russell Simmons phoned Bloods leader Mike Concepcion to try to have the order stopped, and was told it was too late. With 3rd Bass already on a flight to L.A., there was nothing that could be done to prevent it. We would've, you know, just had them turn around and fly back to New York, but whatevs.

During the phone call with Simmons, Concepcion hinted that he could maybe see to it that the Bloods would call off the hit. 3rd Bass was coming to town to attend the American Music Awards and Concepcion wanted to go. But he didn't just want to go, one of the most dangerous men in America wanted to sit next to ...

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Michael Jackson. Russell Simmons made it happen, thus allowing 3rd Bass to live another day and record one more shitty album before disbanding into obscurity.

At this point in our research, we weren't sure whether to put Hammer at No. 1 for ordering a hit on someone's life over a yo' momma joke, put Michael Jackson on the list for preventing a hit just by being fucking Michael Jackson, or to banish the damn list altogether in disbelief. In the end, Hammer makes No. 1. Go ahead, make jokes, M.J. may not have enough star power to stop the next hit. If someone loans Hammer the 60 grand, you're screwed.