PRACTICE

Pathways from discouragement to courage

The authors describe the specific adult attitudes
and actions that are essential in redirecting children and youth from
destructive to productive life pathways.

”... the reports really all say the same thing: “Kid has trouble learning to read in first grade; starts to hate school;
his self-esteem goes to hell; and when he’s a teenager, he's pissed off
or taking drugs.” “Kindlon & Thompson, (p. 35).

We look at reports concerning children placed at
risk; some are so thick that you think the child is involved in the
Enron debacle. We talk to stressed and discouraged parents, many in
tears, feeling hopeless and helpless. We listen to teachers at their
wits end, uncertain and disappointed. And we talk to youth; their
failure is worn with sadness, defiance, or indifference, like a ragged
but comfortable old baseball cap. Robert serves as an example.

We learned much of Robert’s story from his drug and
alcohol counselor who had been working with him for several years. Years
of academic struggle and minor behavioral problems at school came to a
head when Robert was caught drinking in school. Over the years, the
school responded to his academic and behavioral concerns with numerous
reports, meetings, and consequences. The parents educated themselves on
their son's labels: Attention Deficit Disorder and Learning
Disabilities. The parents, at their own expense, sent him to learning
disability summer camps, summer school classes, and a local learning
center. Over the last Christmas break, Robert attended a week-long
alcohol relapse program. Several anomalies were in Robert’s reports. He
was named the student of the week in seventh grade. In high school, his
teachers of carpentry and small engine commented that Robert cared about
his work and was a self-starter and a good worker. Robert’s explanation: “The teachers liked me in those classes and I could do the work.”

Caught in a cycle of discouragement
Robert doesn’t fit the K-12 traditional schooling concept (i.e., use of
textbooks, worksheets, assignments based on textbooks, lecture, large
group instruction, verbal questions and answers). His learning strengths
and, consequently his interests, do not reside in the ability to easily
process language and numbers. His learning strengths are most apparent
when he is active and has the chance to use his hands and body along
with his mind. In physical education, sports, small engine and carpentry
classes, Robert does well. In most other classes, he is seen as lazy,
unmotivated, or off task. That perception can be challenged. Alfie Kohn
(1996) suggests that when students are “off task,” our first response
should be to ask, “What’s the task?” If curriculum does not stretch
thinking, elicit curiosity, or help students ask questions that are
important to them, motivation wanes.

Motivation requires three key ingredients:
expectations, value, and a safe climate (Jones & Jones, 1998). Humans
need reasonable expectations, a sense that the work will benefit self or
others, and that it will be accomplished in a secure environment. If any
one of these three ingredients is missing, motivation wanes or
disappears. For example, a child may value a math lesson and feel safe
in the classroom, but if the expectations are beyond his capacity,
motivation will be limited. If reasonable expectations are given in a
safe environment, yet the child sees no purpose or relevancy, motivation
suffers. Likewise, reasonable expectations valued by a student who is in
a bullying atmosphere will be less motivated. Creating the right
expectations is a difficult and time-consuming task for educators,
requiring trial and error and support in order to modify the curriculum
without over-simplifying and losing its value or expectations. As
difficult as it can be, educators are obligated, ethically and in some
cases by the law, to implement modifications in order to encourage the
child to learn. This was not always done in Robert’s situation.

Mel Levine (2002) suggests that we need to demystify
children's learning challenges. For some children, he argues, what we
ask them to do is exhausting. It takes a huge amount of energy to
accomplish certain tasks. Levine’s work also shows that, at times, a
child's brain, for a variety of reasons, will have periods of success
even with learning challenges. Children soon learn not to display these
irregularities because there is an expectation that if it is done once,
it can be done often, easily, and on command. Robert can bring out a
sense of frustration in educators and parents because he will
demonstrate learning abilities that fly in the face of his learning
challenges. Instead of celebrating these times, Robert experiences
additional guilt when he cannot perform to expectation. As educators, we
have to constantly remind ourselves that it is only in school that we
ask kids to show competence in everything: math, reading, science,
social studies, art, and gym. Robert’s years were spent in this ever
increasing spiral of academic and behavioral discouragement. It is a
positive testimony to his family as well as a number of teachers and
administrators who helped Robert get to his senior year. Getting to the
senior year was anything but easy for everyone involved in Robert’s life-especially for Robert.

The all-too-common pathway of discouragement begs
the question “Why?” Why do so many of our school children who begin with
such promise end up so discouraged? Why do so many of our children find
that their school “days” become their school “daze”? A place to begin to
answer the why question is to examine pathways that lead to
discouragement.

Pathways to discouragement
In the very first stage that an atmosphere of uncertainty develops,
there is an intuitive sense that the child is different; something just
is not right or the child is not on target. An adult, usually the
parent, but often an observant teacher, will notice behavior that is
outside the “norm” usually related to learning and social concerns. A
kindergarten teacher will notice the child isn’t able to stay on task or
has trouble joining in play. Written reports will indicate the child
isn’t learning his letters or stays by himself on the playground. Often
a generic “This child isn’t engaged in the school agenda” is voiced by
the teacher. The emotional response from parents and school staff can be
described as uneasy and uncertain, but there is not any great alarm.
Interaction between parents and school takes on an air of watchfulness.
There is an agreed wait-and-see attitude. At this point, nobody is
certain what should be done, if anything. There is little tension among
parents and school staff because they are generally tolerant, trying to
stay connected and focused on problem solving.

If the learning and behavioral problems continue,
the emotional response from parents and teachers is upgraded to worry
and anxiousness. The same can be said for the child. There are feelings
of doubt and insecurity, but hope has not yet been lost. There is a
subtle but important shift in thinking from “something is different
about this child” to “something is wrong with the child.” If not spoken
aloud, which it often is, the child picks up the message intuitively. He
has become defective in some way. Parents may begin to think that the
teacher, curriculum, or method of instruction has created the problem.
Teachers begin to wonder about the parent’s role in creating the
problem. They think, “What is going on at home?” During this stage, the
adults generally agree that some test will uncover the child's problem.
Testing often leads to multiple diagnoses and opinions. One year; the
child satisfies requirements to be Jon an Individualized Education Plan;
the next year, a test might indicate the child does not meet the
requirements. Labels like ADD or LD are given and taken away. Signs of
stress among the adults are seen in such things as increased phone
calls, letters, conversations in the office, hallway, and even on the
street. Parents may “corner” school staff and unload their frustrations,
anxiety, and feelings of concern. School staff listen and attempt to
respond in appropriate ways, but uneasiness forebodes a brewing storm.

Table 1: Pathways to discouragement

Adult Thinking

Adult Feeling

Adult Perception

Adult Behavior

1. Environment of uncertainty

The child is slow; can’t stay on task; doesn’t make friends; disengaged from the school
agenda.

Puzzlement Uncertainty
Surprised Bothered

This child is different; something
isn’t “right.” The child can’t stay on task.

He didn’t take advantage
of our program. It is out of my hands. You will hear from my
lawyer!

Powerless Exhausted Out of control

Nothing can be clone. The
situation is hopeless.

Complete disconnect but
going through the motions. Problem solving is over and reliance
on punitive consequences.

After years of concern and attempts to fix the child
meet little progress, a kind of underground tension mounts when testing
results and plans of action are not shared with those who need to know.
Information is lost when the child moves from grade to grade. Paper
shuffles, forgotten telephone calls, miscommunication, family stress,
change of staff, and a host of other roadblocks develop. Problems arise
with consistency in the case management of the child. Tension grows, and
the child becomes perfectly aware that he is the reason for the storm.
There is still no definitive answer to the question “what is wrong with
the child?” Untrained and overwhelmed; teachers do not always follow
through on modifications, nor do the parents. Blame begins to pervade
the thinking of the adults; someone or something is blamed, including
the teacher, parents, school system, or the curriculum.

Adults feel perturbed, annoyed, hassled, and
incompetent. There is a great deal of wishful thinking that begins with “If only the (parent, child, teacher) would....” The underground tension
bubbles to the surface. When modifications in curriculum or delivery are
mandated by special education laws, teachers struggle to fulfill their
obligations. Some, with little ongoing professional training and
support, find it difficult to address the challenges. Parents and
teachers will say such things as “He will grow out of it,” “I don’t believe in ADD,” “He can do the work if he wants to; he is just being
lazy.” As tension escalates, nourished by a youth who continues on a
negative academic and behavioral trajectory, parents, youth, and staff
resort to defenses (rationalization, displacement, projection, denial)
to protect themselves from the emotional pain they feel for not being
able to “fix” the problem. The feelings experienced can be panic,
mistrust, irritation, shame, powerlessness, and exhaustion-all related
to uncertainty and fear. Problem solving is replaced with authoritative
demands, threats, and punishments. Adult counter aggression takes place.

Parents with time and money may go to great expense
and energy to learn about the problem. This expertise may or may not be
accepted by school personnel. Parents who don’t have the resources to
get involved because of money, job demands, and /or personal efficacy
remain distant. Parents feel a subtle message that they are part of or
the problem. Some of the parents may have experienced the same problems
and dread the thought of opening old wounds by even entering the school.
Comments from school personnel that indicate this level of tension
include: “They only see their child's side of the story. The child is
manipulating the parents.” “That mom is a–know-it-all.”” “The parents
just don’t care.” The escalating tension is heard in parent comments
that often echo school personnel: “The teachers just don’t care.” “School staff doesn’t have a clue what is going on with my child.” At
some point, often at the end of middle school, the youth feels the
increased pressure to assume responsibility for learning and behavioral
challenges. The tension can become so great that the child drops out of
school or remains in school but becomes an in-school drop out.

Eventually, there is an overwhelming sense of
powerlessness, complete exhaustion, and a feeling of being out of
control. At this point, the child often looks for ways to self-medicate
the emotional pain experienced (i.e., drugs, alcohol, dropping out,
delinquent behavior, fixation on computer games, self-indulgence). Staff
at school give up because the youth and/or family seem to criticize
their every attempt to be helpful. Hopelessness pervades. Problem
solving is over. There is complete disconnect although people still go
through the motions to meet legal requirements. The thought is “nothing
will fix this situation until the kid leaves school.”

In this pathway of discouragement, there are two
significant indicators that things have gone awry. First, there is an
escalating “disconnect” among the adults who are involved in the life of
the young person. Second, the problem solving gives way to
discouragement, anger, and punitive consequences. For some children the
trajectory lasts over his or her school lifetime.

Table 1 summarizes the pathway to discouragement. We
have chosen to illustrate this negative trajectory by looking at the
thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and behavior of the adults who are
involved in the lives of these youth.

Pathways to courage
Understanding the negative trajectory provides insight on how the
pathway to discouragement can become a pathway to courage. Brendtro,
Brokenleg & Van Bockern (2002) suggest what all children need in order
to experience what they call the Circle of Courage: environments of
belonging, mastery, independence, and generosity. To create these
environments of courage even in the shadow of problems, efforts are
focused on helping kids feel a sense of attachment (belonging),
competence (mastery), power (independence), and worth (generosity). The
pathway to discouragement that is seen so often is a trail strewn with
obstacles of detachments, failures, powerlessness, and worthlessness.
How is it that we can smooth the road for our discouraged children?
Again, using adult thinking, feelings, perceptions and behaviors, a
pathway emerges.

In the initial environment of uncertainty, it is
important to affirm the feelings of puzzlement and concern and use them
to move us to become inquisitive and curious. Our perception that the
child is different remains but with a new twist-–how interesting” we
tell ourselves. “This developing child is going to help me grow and
understand.” Without being a Pollyanna, this is a time to begin to
reframe our thinking. Instead of thinking, “This child does not pay
attention,” we think, “This child is curious about so many things. I
hope I can help him become curious about the things that I love, like
reading and numbers.” Instead of “This child is antisocial,” we reframe
and think “This young person needs our help to figure out how he can
feel safe with others and how others can feel safe with him.”

If inappropriate behavior escalates and our concern
is raised, it is important to maintain feelings of hopefulness. We take
hope in knowing that our journeys can be difficult but that no one can
project with 100% accuracy the future of a five-year-old or even an
eighteen-year-old. It is important at this time to keep the attitude
that there is something different about this child but recognize at the
same time that it is okay. We can all learn from this different
behavior.

Table 2: Pathways to courage

Adult Thinking

Adult Feeling

Adult perception

Adult behaviour

1. Environment of uncertainty

The child is developing; he is motivated and
engaged even if it isn’t with the school curriculum

Puzzlement Uncertainty
Surprised
Inquisitive

This child is different; how interesting

Watchful
Upbeat
No conflict
Problem solving
Connected

2. Environment of raised concern

If only the child doesn–t:

work harder

pay attention

sit still
be more organized

I wonder where and how this child is successful

Proactive
Hopeful
Positive

Something is different about this kid but that
is OK. It will be insightful to teach and learn from him. I need
to think outside my box.

Research is fine but it never really says what
to do with one particular child. Why not do our own research?

Emotional intelligence reigns. Refuse to use
pain to treat pain. Build on success. Change the task.

5. Environment of coping

It is important to build on strengths and
accomplishments no matter how small they might seem in order to
keep hope alive.

In control
Responsible
Respectful
Uncertain

Joy can be found each day even in this
situation. I see strengths and uniqueness in this child.

Complete connect.
Problem solving continues. Create climates of building on
strength and meeting the needs of the child.

This does not suggest a passive, accept anything
kind of attitude on the part of adults. On the contrary, testing will go
forward but a concerted effort to build relationships with the family
and child is essential to get to the underlying causes of the
self-defeating patterns of behavior. Being in respectful alliance helps
put a positive spin on questions that may normally take on negative
connotations: “I wonder why this child does not participate in group
work or get her homework completed, sleeps in class or drinks alcohol” takes on a different meaning when asked out of real curiosity with
acceptable solutions available rather than asked with an air of
self-righteousness or indignation with consequences as the outcome.

Instead of letting the increased tension rob adults
and the child of their strengths and hopefulness, the tension can be
used creatively. We do not ignore our feelings of uncertainty and
anxiety, but we hold on to our hopeful, proactive, and positive inquiry.
We develop our compassion.

Compassion is much different from sentimentality or
taking pity on a child. True compassion requires a thoughtful commitment
and overrides pity and sympathy. When we are filled with pity or
sympathy, we often give up when the going gets tough. During this time
of creating courage, we engage in conversations and actions to make sure
that the child is experiencing friendships and success some place during
the school day and at home, and has been given the right to make choices
that personally affect him or her. We look for ways to build the child's
sense of worth. In other words, it is important that we are creative
about finding ways to meet this child's needs. It is important that
adults use their own emotional skills to keep from becoming counter
aggressive and using emotional defense strategies, like blaming, to deal
with the frustration and uncertainty that is bound to be present. The
child's support team needs to be able to speak honestly and openly about
adult behavior that is working in counter productive ways.
Creating courage may require that we challenge policy and procedure-the
system-for the sake of the child. Those working for the child may find
it necessary to throw out what has not worked and explore new
alternatives. By building on the child's strengths, as limited as they
may seem to be, we begin to restructure the task. It is essential that
the child is involved in this process of strength-building and
problem-solving. This is a time when our adult emotional health is
necessary since the behavior of the child may trigger our own counter
aggression. Our response to the child's pain-based behavior should not
be more pain (Brendtro & Du Toit, 2005). Table 2 (see page 153) provides
an overview of pathways to courage .

Conclusion
Robert goes to court today. He may end up entering a boot camp to serve
time for his illegal behavior in school. We hope not. There are too many
young people who spiral out of control because we aren’t aware of the
meltdown that academic and behavioral challenges can produce. The
pathway to discouragement can become a pathway to courage. It is a
process where we are committed to coping in positive, healthy ways that
build on the strengths of families, school personnel, and the child.
When courage is being built, even when things do not seem to be going
well, there are two distinguishing behaviors seen in the adults. First,
relationship building based on honesty, mutual listening and healthy
adult behavior is the foundation. Second, on-going, strength based
efforts to problem solve without resorting to punitive measures stands
on that foundation.