The Mommy Chronicles: Honorable Mentions

Honor is found in the boardroom, the locker-room, the courtroom, and even the star's dressing room, but not in my kids' playroom.

The question threw me, and not just because I thought my two little answers were making enough of a scene to be obvious. I was holding my fidgety baby on my right arm while attempting to restrain my three-year-old from escaping the grasp of my left. Using my apparent distraction to her advantage, my daughter was trying to remove each and every beach ball from its wire cage and place it in our shopping cart. (Evidently, the cage like display case is designed just to hold the balls in place and not to slow eager toddlers down.)

The place? A local supermarket. The inquirer? A successful business woman I knew from high school. The time? Four years too late for me to have a good answer to that question.

"What do you do?" Why do those four little words still manage to make some of us tense, defensive, and somewhat uncomfortable every time we hear them? The world sees little glory in the raising of small people. Honor is found in the boardroom, the locker-room, the courtroom, and even the star's dressing room, but not in my kids' playroom.
Is there no honor in motherhood? I'm really happy with my choice to be home with my kids, but answering "I'm a stay at home mom" seems to always be met with a dismissive "Oh…that's nice."

What a person does professionally is one of the first things people want to know; yet, ironically one of the least important when it comes to a person's value.

The problem isn't with the answer; it's with the question. Very often when we are asked "What do you do?" what's meant is: "Who are you and how much value should I assign you?" What a person does professionally is one of the first things people want to know; yet, ironically one of the least important when it comes to a person's value.

If I answer "I'm a mom," it's as if I've said, "I don't really do anything," when in reality I do everything. Not in the sense that I do the laundry or the taxes or that I'm raising two beautiful children, but in the sense that I'm busy with the job of becoming me. That's what I do. I'm becoming me.

Isn't that what we are all essentially doing? Becoming who we are supposed to be. Actualizing our potential in this world is our job. Some of us do it while we earn a living as a doctor, web developer, systems engineer, or financial analyst. Some of us do it while we stay at home and raise our kids. There's no difference.

Okay, so here's the difference. Society doles out honorable accolades and applause based on what you do, not on who you are. Hence, there's no one banging down my door to write newspaper articles about me, or name their kids after me, just because I've learned to get over it when my husband offers to help with the laundry and then forgets to move a load from the washer to the dryer.

But those are the moments. When we're kinder and more forgiving than we thought we could be. When we are frustrated by the little things, but we behave with generosity. When we rewash the clothes without mentioning it to our spouse and feel grateful that they were trying to help. Those are the moments when we should feel our greatest satisfaction; when we should feel our intrinsic value; when we should feel that we are truly in the process of becoming.

And who am I? one might ask -- which is a far better question. I, along with all mankind, am a being created in the image of God. This is where our value comes from. Overcoming our own desires in this world to fulfill God's will and to be more like God is how we manifest our value -- but only to God. It is impossible for anyone to tell the value of another person. We can not measure the level of difficulty each of us must overcome in order to be our true selves. For some, an extra wash cycle might be just too much to bear; for others, they might not even notice.

So the next time I'm asked what I do, I'll answer that I'm at home with the kids, keeping in mind that the inquirer might just be making small talk. Then I'll remind myself about the potential for personal growth that comes with my job, as with any job. It's not what you do, but how you do it. And then I'll go on with the business of becoming me.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 8

(8)
rachel,
August 5, 2004 12:00 AM

mother of five

When I am asked what I do, I generally start laughing. As a mother at home (in Israel) I wonder what I don't do! To describe all the activities I do and occasional extras would overwhelm the questioner. Once I start laughing they usually ask if I work. In which case I either tell them I work 24 hours a day (full time mom,wife etc)or I tell them I am to busy to work.
All in all I feel privelidged to be in my situation. The working women I know are often under much more stress than the home moms and this often has a detrimental affect on the home which is the family haven.

(7)
ORAH,
August 5, 2004 12:00 AM

B,SD

NICE ARTICLE!

IT IS TRUE THAT MOM'S AT HOME ARE NOT VALUED LIKE WORKING MOTHERS,BUT AS LONG AS THEY UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF THEIR ROLE,THAT'S FINE.
AFTER ALL SHE IS RESPONSABLE FOR HER HOUSE & CHILDRENS..(NOT SMALL TASK AT ALL)
I WORKED OUTSIDE TILL THE END OF MY FIRST BABY PREGNACY ,AFTER THAT I MADE SURE I HAD TIME FOR MYSELF AS WELL...
I EXERCISE OFTEN,I READ,I DO THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY & MY FAMILY AS WELL.
WOMAN HAVE TO HAVE A BALANCE,WHAT'S THE BEST THING FOR THEM,& APPLY IT TO DAILY LIFE.
SALUTE MOTHERS!

(6)
anonymous responder,
August 3, 2004 12:00 AM

Thanks Leah!!

I feel the same way. I'm a mom. I'm also an executive at a company. I also feel that it's the executive role that gets more respect "out there" - but only amongst the non-moms (or not-yet moms). The moms I know in the corporate world have this special bond - we all know the secret that being a mom takes more creativity, intelligence, wisdom, patience, endurance, and energy than any job we've had in the corporate world or any courses we took in graduate school.

(5)
Anonymous,
August 3, 2004 12:00 AM

I'm the receptionist

I remember feeling the same way when my children were young.
After going back to work, after reaching the executive level and then after re-structuring, unwilling to really play the game and too tied down with responsibility to wait for the next opportunity, your article reminds me that altough we never know what life will give us, it certainly is important not to judge others based on what they do. It sounds obvious to try to see things from another person's perspective, but I think it is worth pointing out that most people still make generalizations based on their own self-image. Sometimes life is tough, but then as you said, I feel proud of who I am, not just because of what I do.

(4)
Anonymous,
August 2, 2004 12:00 AM

Individual Needs

While I feel very strongly, that being an "at home mother" is very worthy of honor and the most challenging job in the world, why does it have to be that going out to work is bad? (Or when discussing the importance of going out to work that staying at home is undignified?) Some people feel forced to go to work for monetary issues, some to get some adult company for a bit and enable them to come back and be more enthusiastic mothers. Everyone has to find their own balance. True NO babysitter, no matter how highly recommended or expensive, will love and care for your child as you do - even if you get impatient at times, but as long as the goal is being the best person and mother - why must we bash the other option? Wouldn't it be great if we could just work through our personal pros and cons, decide and be happy we are doing our best without comparing to others. Shame we are all human!!

(3)
Anonymous,
August 2, 2004 12:00 AM

this article gives us an important reminder!

Mrs. Kaplan's article puts forth important reminders both for at-home moms and the rest of us.In my experience, the question she starts off with is not as much a problem as it was a few years ago. I was an at-home mom for a few years recently, and saw the trend seems to be more toward valuing mothers who do the job full-time, as one would expect any professional to do her job. If anything, the response on the part of working moms seems often to be a longing "Oh - I wish I could do that!" (which also glossess over all the work involved in being at home with kids). Mrs. Kaplan's feelings about answering that she's a full-time mom will soon be a non-issue. The respect held for professionals simply for their degrees and status is not as great as it once was. But, the values about becoming "ourselves", and respecting ourselves for that, are timeless.

(2)
Anonymous,
August 2, 2004 12:00 AM

Give your friend a break!

Your old friend was probably just trying to get to get to know you again. What was she supposed to ask: "what's the state of your soul, Leah"? That's unrealistic. And do you really want people swooning over what a difficult job you have being a stay at home mother anyway? I've had it both ways (demanding career and being a stay-at-home mother) and I don't think one is harder than the other: just different. You don't deserve a medal for staying home any more than a corporate lawyer deserves one for putting in 80-hour weeks to support his family. Besides, when people go on and on about how hard it is staying home with children, it makes me suspicious: whom are they trying to convince? Unless you have 12 kids, no washing machine and have to gather your water from the well, I don't think it's all that overwhelming to stay home with the kids. Please get off your high horse, and give your friend a break!

(1)
Rose B, mother of three,
August 1, 2004 12:00 AM

honor earned

Leah,

You and other stay at home moms are worthy of honor. You earn it. I think it takes more courage, more character, to stay home and raise children than it does to go out into the marketplace and hold a job. Motherhood is a profession!

Many women (and many men) assume that motherhood consists of nine months pregnancy and choosing a good nanny. This is a cop-out. Motherhood takes 18 or more years of 24/7.

Children begin as little bundles of instincts and impulses. If they are to live lives that honor the creator, they must learn to govern themselves, and control their impulses. In the process of nurturing and training children, we have many opportunities to become more mature ourselves. This is quite honorable.

It is not my purpose to insult those women who meet the demands of the workplace without neglecting the commitments of family; I work away from home eight to ten hours each week. But I suspect that many of the women who get the public accolades are less worthy than the women who are content at home. I suspect that many women who shine in the boardroom, courtroom, etc are running away from being women, and from being adults.

Some, for instance, work the way they do so they can afford a great many toys and luxuries, to consume it on themselves, or even to lavish it on their families for their own gratification. Some are even willing to sell out thier loved ones for the chance to earn more toys. A little enjoyment is not wrong, but it is not a worthy theme for a life.

I know there are also mothers at home who are selfish creatures, who are preoccupied with the impression their homes make, with honors for charitable work, with the glory they desire to obtain by their children's acchievements, and so on. Just as there are good people everywhere, there are bad people everywhere. That does not alter my point.

My point is that it often takes more committment to attend to the needs of children, and of one's own kindred, than it does to work outside the home; women (and men) who take seriously the needs of their own children, who make sure those needs do not go begging, whatever else they do, are worthy of honor. Those who break the hearts of little ones are not worthy, no matter how they perform away from home. True nobility consists not in gathering trophies, but in imparting noble character to others; this nobility begins at home. If you are raising children to understand their relationship to the Creator and the creation, you are exercising that nobility. The praise of one's peers is, like the pursuit of luxury, not a sufficient theme for a whole life.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!