Saturday, November 8, 2014

A reader wrote: My sister-in-law
accused me of not caring about my boy’s low weight gain. Sent me into tears.
How do you deal with difficult in-laws since you have to deal with them? It
makes me so mad I don’t even want to spend the holidays with them.

Unfortunately, my recommendation is basically for you to be
open and honest with your sister-in-law. I do, however, have some
specific advice. From my years in therapy and school, I have learned to use
statements like the following for helping me to voice my feelings: When you ________ I feel _________. I would prefer
_________.

The “when you ________”
part of the statement is designed to let the person know what specifically it
is that is problematic. The “I feel
________” part is designed to make it about you and your feelings rather than
blaming the other person. Making “I” statements helps prevent people from
getting defensive. The “I would prefer _________”
part is meant to give the person a specific idea of how to fix the problem.

Either you or your husband can be the one to speak up to
your sister-in-law. I know it can be awkward to talk to family members but if
you don’t say anything, she’ll keep thinking her behavior is acceptable and
you’ll keep being gnawed up over her dumb comments. It may take a few times of
you or your husband having this conversation with your in-laws for the problem
to be resolved because people don’t like hearing that they are acting like
douchebags and changing behavior isn’t always instantaneous. If they choose to
keep mistreating you after you’ve clearly expressed your feelings, then you may
want to consider drawing more boundaries between you and your in-laws. If they
are given the opportunity to change and choose not to do so, then you may
consider limiting your contact with them and visiting with them on your own
terms, which leads me to my next point.

You are a grown-up and it’s your holiday. You do not have to
spend it with your in-laws. I feel like this point is one that most people
forget. You do not owe them your time even if your husband rented out their
uterus for 9 months. If they are toxic or abusive and you’ve clearly expressed
how their behavior hurts you and how they can act differently, then you are
certainly more than justified in not spending the holidays with them. If they
ask why, you should be honest with them and tell them that the questions and
comments about your boy’s low weight gain hurt your feelings and you’d rather
stay home or do whatever it is that you are going to do. You can also limit
your time with them and or see them on your own terms. It can feel very
empowering to start setting boundaries with them that you are comfortable with.

I’ll end by saying, again, how sorry I am that you are
having trouble with your in-laws. I know people can be very judgmental when your
baby isn’t fat. You’re a great mom and you take terrific care of your baby. Know
that I’m with you and I’m giving your sister-in-law the middle finger right now
on your behalf.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

A reader wrote, “Dear Professor Parenting: Please tell me
what you think about Jimmy Kimmel asking parents to convince their kids that
they ate all their Halloween candy.”

At first, my response was that those kids are
likely going to be just fine in the long run because most people end up just
fine. The odds are in their favor. Then, I got in the shower and I started
thinking. I started thinking that I don’t like the spirit of the trick. I don’t like it because it
celebrates being mean to our kids. I especially don’t like it in the context of
repeated mean, nasty, taunting parenting that too many kids have to face from
their parents—the people around whom children center their entire world in
their early prescient years. Then, I had a flashback to my childhood.

The flashback was a memory of my sixth birthday. The only
thing I wanted was a desk. I wanted to have a special place all of my own to do
the things that brought me the most joy—schoolwork and crafts. The few months
leading up to my birthday, I had just started kindergarten which resulted in me
being assigned a desk.I had been given
my own first desk and it was my first love. All I wanted was to have a desk at
home too. A place to work, put my books, and keep my art supplies. I asked for
a desk everyday leading up to my birthday.

The big day came. It was a Saturday. I woke up at 7am and
asked my mom if I had gotten a desk for my birthday. I had been promised a
desk. My parents sat me down on the couch and handed me a small wrapped present
about the size of a ladies’ wallet. I felt my heart sinking through my stomach
as I opened it. It was a box made of laminate board. I was unable to hold in my
disappointment and shock. My mom told me that it was a pencil box. She
explained that they wanted to get me a desk but they didn’t have enough money.
All they could afford was the pencil box. That’s all I was getting for my
birthday. I bit my lip, ran down the hallway into my room, and let the hot tears
run down my cheeks.

Just as I had started to let my tears turn into quiet
sobbing, my mom entered and tried to convince me to come back out. She wanted
to show me something. I obeyed, walking down the hallway with my head down,
vision still blurred from my crying. She opened the door to the guest room, and
there was desk. It was the desk I specifically requested. My parents erupted in
laughter. I had gotten a desk, but I was confused. Why would my parents have
played such a cruel joke? Why did they think that the pain they caused me was
funny?

I settled into my desk, the wound of my parents’ cruelty still raw. My
parents left, laughing all the way to the family room about how funny it was to
see me so disappointed when I opened the pencil box. My father had managed to
snap a photograph of me the instant that I opened the pencil box. For the rest
of my life, my family would pull out that photo and laugh about how funny it
was. Every time they pull that photo out, they reopen my old wound just so they can have a laugh.

My main issue with parents being encouraged to video record
themselves convincing their children that they ate all of their Halloween candy
is that it praises parents for being mean and nasty to their children. I’m not
against playing tricks or pranks in general. In fact, I don’t think that an
isolated event like mine would necessarily scar children for life. My
experience could have gone much differently.

What my parents had done, in psychological terms, is called
a rupture.
They had ruptured or damaged our relationship with their actions. We do it all
the time to each other in microscopic ways (not returning texts fast enough,
forgetting important dates). Usually, it’s no big deal because we do what’s
called a repair.
We apologize and make amends. We validate the other person’s pain. We
empathize.

My parents didn’t repair. They didn't recognize that they had hurt me deeply. If this had been an isolated event and/or my parents had
repaired the rupture, I wouldn’t be writing a blog post about it as a
developmental psychologist concerned with helping parents treat their children
more kindly. What happened, instead, was me being left alone to deal with my pain.

I have problems with venerating cruelty for a cheap laugh
because I want to prevent children from experiencing the repeated cruelty that
I faced. My parents are the meanest, cruelest people I’ve ever known. My
parents would say things like children
should be seen and not heard, I’ll
give you something to cry about, and if
I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you. When I was three, I once spent
three hours in time-out with my nose pressed against the wall for breaking one
of my toys. It's this kind of omnipresent threat of parental cruelty that I admonish. Video recording has the potential to make it worse by facilitating and encouraging
parents to make their children relive the trauma. It’s experiences with parental
cruelty like mine that I want to prevent if I can. I would never participate
in that Halloween candy prank because there’s no need for me to take a chance
that I deeply hurt my child. Kids do cute and funny things
without people acting like total dicks. Most importantly, however, there is enough cruelty and nastiness in this world. Children don't need their parents to be one of those people too.

I get that the Jimmy Kimmel prank is funny. I’ve laughed at
the things those kids in those videos say. I also don’t think that the kids in
those videos are going to be messed up as a result of their parents convincing
them that they ate all of their Halloween candy. What I’m trying to point out
is that this type of deception isn’t something that’s completely innocuous. It
has the potential to do real lasting harm to real people, especially if it’s a
way of life for the children whose parents do so.

About Me

I earned my Ph.D. in 2012 at the University of Maryland in Developmental Psychology. Since then, I've become an Assistant Professor of Psychology at Alma College and a mom. I started blogging to share how I balance both my knowledge of what helps kids develop best with my limitations of being a human on the front line of motherhood.