After Ray Rice was caught on camera knocking his wife unconscious in an elevator in Atlantic City, first his wife was blamed, then the NFL, then the media. When none of those stick, Christianity has this cool feature built in where you can blame Satan for everything, because even though you have free will and can do what you want at all times, you really can’t because Satan keeps putting bottle of liquor to your face and your wife’s face in front of your face. Man, that Satan! What a card! Haha, that dude is always up to something! LOL chill, Satan. But the really neat thing is, that you can have all that stuff forgiven if you just close your eyes and say some words really earnestly and give 10% of what you make to God’s middle man. You don’t even have to worry about judges and laws and stuff, because only God can judge you! How great is that?!

Ray Rice says hard liquor was the fuel that triggered his elevator rage and he hasn’t touched the stuff in months … sources close to Rice tell TMZ Sports. Rice told the Baltimore Ravens he and Janay Palmer had been drinking HEAVILY before the altercation. Rice is telling friends he becomes a different person when he boozes it up … so he’s changed his life. But he hasn’t changed that much, because we’re told he still drinks wine … just not hard liquor. Our sources say Ray and his wife have gotten deep into religion since the February incident — they were both baptized in March when they decided to become Born again Christians. We’re also told they’ve also done religious mentoring with other couples … including NFL players and their wives. As for Ray, he issued a statement Tuesday saying he’s trying to “work through this” — noting, “We have a lot of people praying for us.”

Dude, next time you drink heavily, just got to Waffle House like a normal person. Trust me, Satan wouldn’t be caught dead in that place.