Jimmy Choo wants to steal your orgasm and other sex fallacies from Time magazine

I was just about to go to bed when I saw Time magazine’s list of 12 Shocking Sex Facts and so I thought, well, maybe Time know’s something I don’t. However, what followed was perhaps the worst piece of what-the-fuck-drivel that made every sex lists that I’ve ever read in Cosmo and O Magazine seem like dissertations in comparison.

So here are Time‘s“12 Shocking Sex Facts” with my commentary and a handy scoring system:

1. Women, you are not in tune with your biology! Apparently, this is due to living indoors and staring at bright screens! According to Time magazine women all over the world used to menstruate during the new moon (darker at night) and ovulate during the full moon (lighter at night), you know, before we were industrialized. In the times of yore every single woman in the world was cycling at exactly the same time…except of course they didn’t. Summer and winter do have an affect, i.e. sunshine, but a long-term study published this year found a lack of synchrony between lunar phases and the menstrual cycle. Note to Time, most people sleep at night and do not moon gaze. Score: 0 for 1

2. Women can get pregnant 5 to 8 days after having sex. Ok, this is a possible since the Copper IUD is effective post coital contraception for up to 7 days after sex, however, studies on sperm survival in cervical mucus indicate that it seems that sperm is only likely to be any good for 72 hours. While studies tell us the sperm can be recovered after 72 hours and it might even be motile, only a few very strong survivors probably make it past that point (although it only takes one!) Eight days is probably pushing it, but I’ll award the point to Time. Take home message, your fertility window might not be that narrow (attention users of “natural” family planning). Score: 1 for 2

3. Wearing high heels can negatively affect a woman’s orgasm. Short answer, no with a side of what the fuck?. Apparently, certain high-end shoes are built to “approximate the arch in a woman’s pelvis when she is having an orgasm.” I couldn’t make that shit up. Really. Jimmy Choo is out to steal your orgasm! That paragraph about shoes and the pelvis was written by someone who has zero understanding of pelvic anatomy, orgasm, and shoes. The pubic arch (put your fingers in your vagina and push up gently towards your bladder, those bones that you feel are the pubic arch) isn’t a structure directly involved in the mechanics of orgasm. Orgasm is primarily a product of nerves, blood vessels, and the muscles of the pelvic floor and the muscles of the pelvic floor are a most like a bowl or a sling, they are not an arch. While high heels are not good for your posture or feet in many ways and it’s possible that wearing them causes the pelvic floor to compensate by tightening, any contraction would likely go away when the shoes came off. While wearing high heels chronically could theoretically contribute to a persistently tight pelvic floor, they would not be the only factor. Oh, and squeeze your pelvic floor right now (do a Kegel or squeeze like you want to stop your urine or hold in gas). That’s what squeezing the pelvic floor feels like and I don’t know about you, but that’s not how I feel in high heels, then again I don’t wear Jimmy Choos. Score: 1 for 3.

4. Orgasms can make a woman more creative. Probably, I mean orgasm makes you feel good, increases blood flow etc. and there is just no down side to that. I was almost going to give this one to Time when I read this new-agey-bullshit follow-up sentence, “Women achieve fuller orgasms when they are being creative.” Has this phenomenon of fuller orgasms crafted at the alter of creativity been studied? Define creative? Does 4 hours of arts and crafts with the kids count, or just the kind of creativity that comes from building an alter to your inner goddess at a yoga retreat? Do more concrete thinkers have less fulfilling orgasms? I just can’t award a point. Score: 1 for 4.

5. Birth control pills affect libido. This is true. For some women there is an effect on several domains of sexual functioning, but there are a lot of other factors that also come into play. However, the follow-up statement that this could lead to trouble conceiving because once you get off the pill you won’t be attracted to your mate as you are no longer compatible biochemically isn’t exactly true. While a few studies suggest that hormone in the pill could possibly affect your choice in mate, this phenomenon will only stop you conceiving if you stop having sex. Score 2 for 5, but a yellow card for the inaccurate fertility scare.

6. Sitting in a chair can arouse women. First of all, the spelling and anatomy mistakes in the paragraph are shocking. The author states the pudendal nerve runs “underneath the buttox and the sitting bones…” IT’S BUTTOCKS. And the pudendal nerve doesn’t run beneath the ischial tuberosity (the sit bone), it runs medial. While some women are capable of spontaneous orgasms and for some (according to my contacts on Twitter, where you go to look when PubMed has nothing on the subject) it can happen in a chair, although considering pelvic anatomy and the physiology of orgasm it’s unlikely due to the pressure of the seat on the pudendal nerve. I just can’t award points considering such egregious spelling and anatomy and lack of supporting evidence. Produce an orgasm chair and we’ll talk. Score: 2 for 6.

7. …and sitting can dampen orgasms. Don’t sit, no, sit. Sigh.Chronically poor ergonomics (especially while seated) can certainly contribute to a tight pelvic floor and many women with somatic dysfunction of the pelvic floor (the medical term for a pathologically contracted pelvic floor) do report difficulties achieving orgasm and/or painful orgasm. However, there are many factors involved in developing a pathologically hypercontracted pelvic floor; it’s not the sitting per se, it’s the ergonomics, overall physical activity, and a whole host of other factors. Score: 2 for 7.

8.Women have 3 erogenous zones. No, they have lots. Different women find different things pleasurable. For example, many women find anal stimulation exciting yet the article neglects that and mentions the cervix. And this is wrong because studies of women who have had a hysterectomy report no differences in sexual functioning with retention of the cervix versus removing the cervix. Score: 2 for 8.

9. Nerve endings are different for every women. Yes, but another yellow card for the tired we are all unique “like a snowflake” analogy. How is this shocking, unless this article is for 5th graders (or maybe it is?). Score 3 for 9.

10. The pulsations during orgasm are the uterus gathering sperm. Has anyone involved with this article even had an orgasm never mind done any research on them? An orgasm is rhythmic contractions of the pelvic floor musculature and while there are uterine contractions, it’s not a uterine centric phenomenon (again, I reference the studies which report no difference in sexual satisfaction after hysterectomy). And FYI orgasms are not necessary for conception (artificial insemination wouldn’t work if it were). The bulk of the medical evidence indicates that the female orgasm has little to do with the transport of human sperm. Score 3 for 10.

11. Being well hydrated leads to better orgasms. I am so sick and tired of “better hydrated.” It’s such a made-up-quasi-scientific term. Yes, if you are in pre-renal failure (meaning close to dying from dehydration ) orgasm may be a challenge. If you are not dying of thirst, then your hydration is unlikely to impact your orgasm. Score: 4 for 11.

12. All women can achieve orgasm. I think from the tone this statement is meant to give hope to those women who have had difficulty achieving orgasm, but the “Not everyone knows how to use that machinery well” is terrible. Many women have difficulty with orgasms because they have been raised to think of sex as bad or dirty, other have had negative sexual experiences, and some may have medical conditions that affect their ability to orgasm. The many reasons besides lack of sexual knowledge are sadly not acknowledged in the paragraph. Score: 5 for 12.

This article is atrocious and seems nothing more than a poorly researched desperate grab for a sexy headline.

This is funny! Oh gosh. I read an article in Cosmo (I didn’t buy it, my sister picked up a free copy) called ‘what is in a skin drs shopping basket’ – one person interviewed said chlorophyll. Oh please! Ah well, it’s good for a laugh. But then again, misinformation is dangerous.