Wednesday, 5 July 2017

THe Remaains of the Joke

Here is the rest of them. WHAT? see here and here and here and here
It's looking at the monsters and making up a reverse of them and occasionally it's great.
It's so good it's nearly distracting Arnold from his dutch smiting.

Dwarf Grobby: A funny little guy that pops out from a hole in ground and offers to craft a single mundane object for modest price . The object is actually a cluster of eggs that hatch in 6 months into something like a rotary drill bit mole-rat. If confronted about this fact a Grobby is upfront about yes , that's going to happen , would you like a discount? After hatching these attempt to drill into back into the earth , spiralling through any intervening structures (though they get disoriented if up more than a story and can do a lot of damage before they work out where down is. The eventually adult form of these looks something like a massive starnose mole, with the very tip of its nose forming the "funny little guy"

Eagle, giant Wig vulture:
Why would anyone want massive wig with vultures living on top of it , constantly chewing on bones? Because one does not want to appear to be an oik

Ear seeker:Sneeze ghost :
You know how when you sneeze , people try and cast spells on you , supposedly for your own good?
That's because a small crap version of you made of snot can escape and they are trying to stop it escaping or possibly capture it. The point is you don't want a snot-you blabbing confused versions of your secrets to someone, so always check your hanky after sneezing for one, and if necessary grab that struggling mucus boy and force him back in

Eel -MossyguyIt's a little cute pangolin with moss growing on it that has little naps. There's a lot of these to do that are animals and it's gonna be pangolins

Efreet -Snowball
it's a little snow guy that shows up to help you when your are lost in the snow. It's basically useless though but boy does it mean well

Elemental ,well I did these? I think they might of corresponded to the 5 stages of grief? Oh and these okay one more Dismantal : elementals from stuff that doesn't exist.Not even plausible stuff like glass, these are KnifeFoam (like pumice but polymorphous and sharp) , Bugparts (bugparts) , Grot (stains that possess everything) Pissance (Like Rotten Cloth and dog noses) moving on

Elephant :
I'm remembering this shitty kids joke about why are elephants big, grey and wrinkly ? Well if they were small, white and smooth they would be an asprin . No , the opposite of an elephant is a Flea-Knight , it's a little flea dude the size of a raisin that has the strength and durability of a regular knight, but as it's concentrated down it can kinda jump through your head

Eye of the deep Mouth of the skya jelly bag splitting open into a hooked mouth, the mouth opening and opening into a peeling back over itself to reveal the same grinning bag form. Hypnotic to watch. Sometimes planar wars dump strange machines and dying beasts out of the sky, and there's only so much time before Mouth of the sky come and eat it to nothing. Maybe a defense system of a plane, a clean up crew of another plane, or dominate scavenger roused only for these "whalefalls"

Flightless bird Cloud lice
it's like a louse but cute (and the size of a dog) Clouds have them and sudden weather changes can strand them on land. They are intelligent and resourceful and will set about making some connivance or contraption to get them into the sky."You help is very much appreciated good sir, I just need 12 metres of cow tendon more , I can repair you once I'm home, you see I fell out of the cloud without my purse"

Gas spore Spike snakeIt looks like a deadly spike but it's a harmless snake holding itself straight. Except for its poisonous bite , that it's trying to save for bats.

Gelatinous cube Chainchompa bitey ball on a chain that you can use like a dog or a flail

Ghast

Parasitic skin cream

it's good for you , except it wants you to eat babys

Ghost

arsehole future baby
a floating psychic baby that claims it's descended from you and needs you to do stuff but not other stuff. Prob lying.

Ghoul

Boneflower
Hermit crabs that use bones as shells and clinging together in flower shapes for inscrutable purposes

Giant

lilliputians
you know, those guys

Gnoll

Flower peopleThey are flowers but walking around being pretty vague. You could reskin myconid even. That sounds pretty excited huh?

Gnome

Needley dee
A skinny little traveling tailor waspy person that can sew things together or shut to defend itself.

Goat, giant

Spring loaded pocket goat

Goblin

talking hats

Golem

people that have been shaped into furniture or tools and are still alive and feeling bad about it I imagine

Gorgon

Oasis Giraffe of KindnessA gentle giraffe cactus that creates oasises will it selps

Gray ooze Quartz Speckle

sucks out despair ! you become foolishless happy while all these crystals burst from your flesh

Green slime

Ruby Jagger
sucks out peace! Red spiked fury man

Griffon

2 legged walking horse

Groaning spirit (Banshee)

The Good Boy
The best dog that everyone is happy to see

Halfling

Joyless Grey ManA horrid little hair-eater, like a corpse made of lint with disappointing raisins for eyes.

Harpy

Canarywifeit's a happy little bird that shows up in your life and helps you get your shit together. Like personal trainer but an abusive magical bird

Hell hound

Joy-pig
this is lucky pig

Herd animal

Questing BEast
Legendary animals that there are just one of and sometimes are responsible for everything being bad and sometimes responsible for everything being good. Hearts often associated with cures.

Hippocampus

Puffer fish protective helmet

Hippogriff

A centipede made of guns

Hippopotamus

Skinless ghoul otter

Hobgoblin

Living Bubble

Homunculus

Dreameggit's an egg that will hatch something you dreamed about, but you are never sure which aspect of your dream is gonna hatch

Horse

Barrier Beast:a giant bear that sleeps alot and blocks roads

Hydra

Running Snake:fast and powerful

Hyena/jackal

Stitcher bird builds nests on people

Imp

Jiminy cricket , or a disappointment giant

Intellect devourer

superfist! s u p e r f i s t

Invisible stalker

Neon-eye-destroyersomething so bright it can burn your eyes clean out of head baby

Irish deer

Small palm tree man

Ixitxachitl

Mayan Hypno Spines/crystal skulls encouraging head planking

Jackalwere

someone made of birds like a scarecrow but birds

Big Cat Jaguar:

Super Python

Ki-rin /Lammasu

Mouse deer with weird granny face that smokes and visits places and every one has to be polite and she asks after everyone's family

Kobold

Ceiling-Geist; A weird stain being that watches you

Lamia

Someone with a mouth under their hair

Lamprey

Hair cleaning birds

Larva see demon/devil

Leech, giant

A feather than sticks itself in you and you think everything you can do is because of the feather

Leprechaun

Agnes the ruiner. Like very old apple in hobnail boots and loves arson

Leucrotta

A peacock mink

Lich what if Lichs and lions swapped appearances?

Lizard

Weird giraffe monkey

Lizard man

skinling wart people

Locathah

Catfish carpenters

Lurker above

Diversion, like a generic goblinish koboldish impish thing that shows up and draws attention to itself at the worst possible time

Lycanthrope

Animal that remembers its past life occasuinally

Lynx giant

parrot dog

Mammoth/mastadon

micro mammoth

Manticore

mother goose

Masher

sky jellyfish

Medusa

feel like we kinda did these in velvet horizon, but a lizard made of hands that gives you super bad Pareidolia

Men

rumour peopleeveryone almost knows them!

Merman

people crudely remade to be able to live underwater.

Mimic

Cimimit's a mimic but it always makes itself look like the most of out of place thing it can think of , like a wheel of cheese in ancient tomb or a rotting puppy in a libary

Mind flayer

The opposite of a mind-flayer is basically every towering nuggety bastard from Fist of The North Star

Minotaur

Brindle-Fly

Morkoth

the reason there is so many redundant underwater monsters is most of them are so boring the original creators kept forgotting what had been made already and made something new

Feng-Shui Pangolin

Mule

A balloon

Mummy

a baby in some kinda weird fucked up womb amber and do you wanna smash it or see what is being done to it?

Naga

See hydra or boa-boys out of Fire on The Velvet Horizon

Neo-otyugh/ otyugh

Flower-brute

like a shambling mound but with flowers grow on it. Like a garden that can beat you into mulch.

Nightmare

Gorilla O' dreams
it's a Gorilla that can travel in peoples dreams there is so many entrys

Nixie

Truth-coming-out-of-her-well-to-shame-mankind
but can be any well buddy. Put on the city events tables.

Nymph

Sheer
body horror monster that messes with what turns you on. Like it repulse you with it's messed up body but then later you think it's kinda hot and then later nothing else is attractive anymore

Octopus, giant

Tiny star squid

Ogre

Brittleman/Brittleman lanternerLike tall bone lattice giants, that only defence is the glass shards that they break into when struck. Lonely pilgrims wandering the roads at night , searching for missing stars in the sky . The lanterns have magic lanterns and know prophecies but are loathe to tell people them

Otter, giantA regular otter than lives in the sewer and occasionally disembowels people via their anus

Owl, giant

this thing

Owlbear

A skinny bear covered in fly wings

Pegasus

Feet pigs
They have human feet

Peryton

Perching stag women

Piercer

Balldestroyer , bouncing boulder

Pike, giant

pipe fish

Pixie

Really loud frogs

Porcupine

Dog that can squeeze under things

Portuguese man-o-war, giant

Tree horse

Pseudo-dragon

Ape-wizard

Purple worm

Scribber-pede
It can draw with its legs and make its drawings come to life

Vector:a meat shadow that makes you so health you freak out and start seeing through this mortal realm and burn people your eye lasers

Sphinx

Giraffe

Spider

beaver

Sprite

see pixie

Squid, giant )

see octopus

Stag see herd animal

Stirge

blood blimp

Strangle weed

symbotic flower

Su-monster

Us-monster

Sylph

see Nymph

Thought eater

earworm, factchecker, rememoryer

Tick, giant

gas bag

Titan

village god

Titanothere

the same but cute and small

Toad, giant see frog

Trapper see lurker

Treantman:

living streets

Triton the most redundanet monster entry is having 2 other good/neutral races other than mermaids in the book. underwater races are not something you will use a lot of, goodish vague-as races that don't do shit you won't need, and here's boring fish people and boring aquamen. Mermaids you can get murderious, or horrible or more or less fish like and its the best

the opposite of these is a Murderer

Troglodyte

Extrovert

Troll

The crumbing sage

Turtle, giant

miniture castle turtle

Umber hulk

Azure-Flit

Unicorn

Black Phillip

Vampire

Aide

Wasp, giant

Brain bee

Water weird

a dust storm that follows you round and makes statues of you

Weasel, giant

wall badger

Whale

sky ribbon

Wight

see spectre

Wind walker

Dirt Bird

Wolf

Dog

Wolverine

Bumble bee

Wraith

see spectre

Wyvern

Zilent

Xorn

Gold Bug

Yeti

Organ grinder and monkey, both the grinder and the organ are machines

Zombie

Sleeperpeople of civilisations that don't exist that are sleeping forever unless you wake them, then they get all confused and sad and possibly try and take over the world

"MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T LIVE BELOW SEA LEVEL YOU WOULDN'T NEED WOODEN SHOES HAAHAHAHA I'M ARNOLD , ALSO YOU LIVE IN WINDMILLS "