11.29.2008

In the year 205, a goatherder, sleeping on a steep hillside above the village of Armpit, saw unto him an angel who said hark, go forth and preach the gospel of orange peel baby robes. Climb the heavenly pile of rotting donkeys and worn out tires and strum the golden notes of truth on the banjo. Or just forget it and herd your damn goats, you illiterate simpleton.

raiders of the fallen archesraiders of the medicare prescription planindiana jones and the early bird specialindiana jones and the hip replacement surgeryindiana jones and the curse of the bed panindiana jones and the temple of droolindiana jones and the last bowel movementindiana jones and the collapsed lungindiana jones and the dnrraiders of the purple cross prepaid funeral

two plaid la-z-boys with cupholders and remote control holstersbonnie and clydetwo horny cabbage patch kidsa pair of randy senior citizens, a wheelchair, and some vaselinean '84 Camaro, an '85 Trans Am, and some WD-40a can of hair spray, a lighter, black silk nylons, and a map of Berlina bulldozer, a dump truck, and a bald guy in an orange vest99 luftballons, Captain Kirk, and a generalrubbers

1) scrub infested sores with lemon juice and rice wine vinegar2) treat a headache with sake and a strobe light3) to save money on cleaning bills, tumble dry clothes with a dead cat rolled in glue and cat litter4) to get that dead cat smell out of dryer, tumble dry aerosol can of butter flavored pan spray5) to get musty dead cat smell out of clothes, tumble dry clothes with a can of butter flavored pan spray rolled in glue and cat litter6) to get cat litter out of clothes, tumble dry clothes with a ball of rags saturated with fruit punch7) to get fruit punch out of cat litter, tumble dry cat litter box with a large plastic bottle of liquid dishwasher detergent8) to clean dishes, tumble dry dishes with two dead cats rolled in liquid dishwasher detergent9) to get bits of glass out of dead cats, tumble dry magic beads and Tibetan prayer wheel with a ball of rags saturated with Hi-C orange drink

11.21.2008

1) thou shalt not blow on thy trumpet and yell out "it's rapture time!"2) a well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.3) thou shalt spend the sabbath day, whether a Friday, Saturday, or Sunday, hunting for a good yard sale.4) thou shalt honor thy Ben and thy Jerry.5) thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's blog.6) for a good time, call 867-5309.7) thou shalt cover thy Volkswagen Bus in bath mat flowers and political bumper stickers.8) thou shalt not gossip about Lost without first saying "spoiler alert."9) thou shalt not replace thy neighbor's goldfish with an exact replica.10) thou shalt not microwave food (or thy neighbor's goldfish) until it explodes.

11.20.2008

1) god made adam and eve sit down and shut up.2) god made adam and eve watch the employee orientation video.3) god made adam and eve make beer can macrame hats.4) god made adam and eve snow globes.5) god made adam and eve some pumpkin pie.6) god made adam and eve drink pepsi.7) god made adam and eve drop and do twenty.8) god made adam and eve vacuum their bedrooms.9) god made adam and eve the people they are today.10) god made adam and eve admit they have a problem.

1) it was a lightless and cloudy period of darkness.2) it was a garbage bag strangling night.3) it was a bark and meow night.4) it was a cricket and guitar night.5) it was a pillow suffocation night.6) it was a grabby and grunty night.7) it was a sweaty pajamas night.8) it was a mustache and bald spot night.9) it was a night with no light and with lots of storms.10) it was an unreasonably black and windy nighty night.

if you pounded your head on the keyboard and thought about styx singing mister roboto and drew pictures of square pans of lime green jello and listened to wilfred brimley reading books on tape by vladimir nabakov and took two aspirin and drank soda water with a lemon wedge and interviewed the secretary of funny pants and placed bets on runs like glue and saggy saddle and hitch-hiked across the county and sang conway twitty songs and grew green beans and sat in a chair in a rainstorm, your head would hurt.