“I feel that I have clearly been a disappointment to Nigella during the last year or so, and I am disappointed that she was advised to make no public comment to explain that I abhor violence of any kind against women, and have never abused her physically in any way…The row photographed at Scott’s Restaurant could equally have been Nigella grasping my neck to hold my attention — as indeed she has done in the past.”

So, to recap: Saatchi blames Nigella for not coming to his defense for choking her and also claims to have been battered himself. Slow claps all around.