Friday, April 16, 2010

it's getting out of hand,majorly.all the smiling,all the daydreaming,how much more overrated can this situation be?"i'm in denial" perhaps.i listen to people too much,and i stopped listening to my heart.that's what God showed to me in this episode.so many events yet there's so many things that i feel the need of hiding from everyone's knowledge.nevertheless,i shall not suppress myself from the freedom of speech in my own blog.i thought it was over,what's past is past and it's about time i moved on.heck no,it so happened that i failed.i disappointed myself and yes,i'm not ok.

Monday,7.20amit was all fine until i started seeing alex all out of a sudden.i think he's starting to notice that i avoid his path.also,he keeps staring at me,as though expecting me to come up to him and explain the real scenario.he seemed confused and curious at the same time.i sped up my pace and walked straight ahead before he could see me.he was then out of sight.it was a major relief until he appeared in the place i least expected,the place where all publicity begins.it was a gruesome act,attempting to look elsewhere and concentrate on the so-called more important things.clearly pathetic.the rest of the day was perfectly normal.probably because ben was absent so i had no one to hide from.haha.

Tuesday,around 9.00ami don't really know what's going on with the girls.they talk to each other,but only about important things.we do sit together,but somehow it's like they're keeping secrets from one another.it hurts to stay in the center,not knowing a single thing regarding an unknown incident that's starting to tear us all apart.whatever it is,i sure hope it's going to end soon.we don't seem to be agreeing on anything lately?on a more cheerful note,we did a lot of walking today and what amused nizar and i the most is the sight of carlos and a bunch of other students sitting on a row of chairs OUTSIDE the class.they must've forgotten to do their homework or something.however,i do admit i did sympathize carlos a little bit.if only i could bail him out by helping him do his homework at the very last minute (since it's my forte',lol).funny,he tried to cover up his face from being seen by us.embarrassed much? don't be.people make mistakes and it's totally understandable :)

10.30amthe girls were back to normal,somehow,and started talking and kidding around with each other again.it was all cool.we walked back to our class,only to find carlos walking on the second floor.i have this inevitable bad habit of staring at people,which i think MUST be prevented as soon as possible as of now.carlos stared back,smiling.i assume he was talking to his friend about something,and randomly decided to look downstairs where he stared back at me.ironic,he doesn't have that same 'glow' in his eyes and i didn't really feel as nervous/anxious as i was supposed to feel whenever i have feelings for someone.am i just pretending to like him?*no lana,pull yourself together! you've moved on and that's that.*

Thursday,around 8-9 amthe more i try to throw the feeling away,the more it comes.it's driving me nuts.today,alex entered my class,supposedly to warn us of a spot check.i don't know why,i thought i'm over it but clearly i'm not.i was all nervous and speechless.i started pulling nizar here and there,in my most pathetic attempt to avoid him at all causes.it was stupid,really.i shouldn't have done that.the same scene occurred immediately after school.one word,one overused word as a matter of fact,PATHETIC.

5.30pmi waited eagerly for nizar to come and have a friendly game of basketball with me despite the club meeting being called of.she was late,since she was actually hanging out with my classmates at MCD.fortunately deila was there to entertain me,haha.i can't elaborate much here,it would be too obvious :P all i can say is carlos was there and deila speculated that i suddenly got totally into basketball because of him (which was,admittedly,partially true..PARTIALLY true).

Friday,12.15pmit's proven.my life is hypocritical.i repeatedly denied the fact that alex was always trying to catch a glimpse of me,assuming the fact that my friends are practical jokers who love to see me blush.i don't know what to believe anymore.all i can say is que sera sera.i don't have luck in love,and someday i just have to accept that.it's either i'm being too choosy or i'm just plainly butt ugly.either way,let us just wait and see.