My caveman has a pic I sent him last night. He saved it and spent today looking at it off and on… telling me it’s the saddest pic he’s ever seen… that it makes him cry.

The big, burly caveman… the one with his heart on his sleeve… the one who has had a pretty ordinary year so far, and an incredibly crappy week…

So my pic makes him cry… reminded him that his issues aren’t that bad… and I get that. Very much. It’s why I listen to everyone’s problems. Partly because I know what it’s like to feel so alone, and partly because listening to someone else reminds me how minor my own concerns are…

But he is the same… he looks in my eyes and sees the pain… and his own problems diminish a little…

Apparently it’s the eyes. I’d actually stopped crying by then… but they’re still red and filled with tears… filled with pain…

I’ve turned into one of my students… For the first time in 6 years at this workplace, and a lot longer in teaching, I asked for a possible extension today. My coordinator actually has more faith in me… looked at what I have left to do… and declared she thought I’d breeze it in… but the extension is there if I need it.

Deadlines. I really need a career without them…

But OMG what a few weeks! First was the sudden move… At the worst possible time… which led to me reassessing and deciding something had to give… and that was study. Then I seemed to regain some of my footing in life and all was well again for a heartbeat…

Then, 3 weeks ago, Sir Knight got sick… so sick 😦 For two weeks! But I was still okay…

Then Miss Princess started her HSC exams a week and a half ago… and… well… enough said…

Last week, the baby Dragon seemed to go from one mishap to the next… culminating in a stack from the ripstick this week… and, though battered and bruised and in tears far too frequently, nothing seems to be broken… or perhaps I really should take her for that xray…

The baby Wizard is simply clingy… he finds comfort in my bed when the world is just too busy…

So… I was handling it… although the constant demands were piling… and I was at wits end… but I was still there… still afloat…

Until today

Book character parade. Wizards don’t want to wear that outfit after all. Or that one. Or… They want to be a wizard. But that cape is too witchy… and that hat isn’t pointy enough… but okay, maybe they’ll be a cat… but this black shirt has some grey on it… and no, whiskers are not necessary… but he can’t wear that all day… because it’s annoying… and e doesn’t actually look like the cat in that book at all… because he’s a boy… but maybe he can go as a blue cat… from that book… but the ears are black… and blue cats don’t have black ears… but the teacher said I can go in mufti so I’m just wearing that…

Sigh…

Book character parade. Grandparents day. Without the grandparents. Tick.

Lunchtime text message from Sir Knight… I got in a fight… Sigh… Of course you did… Phone call… So???… I’m suspended… but it’s all good… because i didn’t want to go to school on my birthday…

Awesome…

And let’s just not even bother with his father’s response…

An hour later… do you still want us to come up for your bday this weekend? We’ll come up Saturday afternoon… evening really… Do you want to stay in the motel with us? And what do you actually want for your birthday? Other than us visiting of course… Yes, your father can see the kids… No, he can’t have them stay at his place… Why don’t you tell him he can join us for lunch…

Huge step. Awesome mother award. Suck it all down so deep and just do it for the kids…

Sigh…

Phone call…

And another…

And again…

Answer You can’t text??? No, I wanted to chat…

We’re not friends. When will he understand that I don’t ever want to actually chat to him. I would rather he just disappeared…

So… No, you can’t have the kids. Yes, they can go to your house for dinner and I’ll take Sir Knight out. But then they will be with me at the motel… and Sunday… You are welcome to come for lunch…

We both silently acknowledge that won’t happen… But I asked… I swallowed down that damned pill and asked…

Dealing with him wears me out. I always need time to recover afterwards… even on the phone…

Day was drawing closer to an end…

6PM… realise dress up clothes are still on the garage floor… the garage which is housing so many boxes of books, paperwork, memories and board games… furniture… the garage I soon discover is flooded… an inch deep… boxes have absorbed so much water… whole boxes destroyed…

Princess tells me to just cry… but I don’t… because I don’t have time for wallowing… I have a damned deadline…

3 hours later I surface… the landlord has come and done measurements… a new hot water system hopefully tomorrow…

In the meantime, it’s still bubbling away with water flowing out… and no-one could find the cut-off…

Sigh…

So I sent the email… and my coordinator was awesome…. and incredibly understanding… and… for some crazy reason… has faith in me!

When did we get to the time in life when all those coffee memes make sense? I can feel each sip of coffee wake me up. Taste buds come alive. I sit a little straighter. My brain stills… and emerges from that fugue…

And the mug itself, of course… a chip from something or other along the way… my initials are scratched into the bottom… I remember being so disappointed in the gold… green smudges on the handle…