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Fears, Anxiety and Dreams

Dear Reader,

I have managed to have a relatively dream free sleep in recent. Well, I don’t remember my dreams if I have them. Maybe that is for the best, as last night I had the weirdest dream I believe I have ever had. In fact, it will be added to my list of weird dreams.

As a child, I had 3 beds in my room for when my cousins stayed over, during the week my dad would sleep in one of those beds, when I was about 4 or 5 I wasn’t very good at sleeping on my own, and my mum had my younger brother to look after. I have a very specific dream that I remember from this time. I for some reason believe it was recurring dream.

The dream took place in what I used to call a “3D Room” it looked like, well Tron to be honest. It was a dark room with a bright green grid like squares all over. I was sitting on my dad’s shoulders and he was running. Running away from a huge 8 foot tall robot. One of those classic box shape robots. It was red and grey and had an antenna sticking out of its head. I don’t know if it spoke, I don’t know why it was chasing us. I just knew it scared me.

The two main parts of this dream are the being chased and the robot. I think my dad featured in my dream for a couple of reasons. Firstly because he was there in my room because I used to have weird dreams and didn’t sleep well, and he used to be there when I had nightmares and woke up and secondly he had recently saved me from drowning. When I was on holiday, I ran into the sea to play, but I went too far out and in true life guard style my dad ran out into the sea to drag me back to the land (destroying his favourite trainers.) I think because of that incident I always thought he would be there to save me. I checked a dream dictionary for the meaning of the two important parts of this dream, I found out some interesting things.

Dreaming about being chased can represent anxiety, well this is likely. I was a very anxious child, I didn’t like crowded places, I didn’t like going to places I didn’t know, I didn’t like being alone, the dark. Various things. Apparently dreams of being chased are common among people with depression. I have talked about how I feel I have been depressed for a very long time, probably longer than I realised. I always knew I was different to other kids as a child and I never really understood why. Maybe I was depressed even then. But what is even more surprising is the meaning behind dreaming about a robot. Dreaming about a robot can represent rigid thinking, people on the autism spectrum may exhibit rigid thinking. Did I know I was autistic at 5 years old and I was depressed and anxious because I had no way to express it? And I didn’t really understand it? I feel like that could have been a possibility.

So what caused me to write this was weirdly graphic dream I had last night. I have a lot of strange dreams, sometimes they are funny, sometimes they are just random. Its not often that I have a dream so graphic and horrible that I get flashbacks during the day. Not just normal flashbacks. Flashbacks that cause me to feel incredibly anxious.

The dream began with me lying in bed, I woke up to the sound of my text tone on my phone, I noted it was from my mum, something about buses not running but I was too tired to text back so I grumbled and lay back down. Then I started to worry, so I decided to check my phone for news about buses, sure enough something was stopping the bus, I read the word nuclear I was really in a state of half sleep so decided id go back to sleep and deal with it later. Suddenly my dad burst into my room and told I had to get up and go to work now. He gave me the work uniform of his job and ran out of my room. I ran after him, asking what was happening as we ran down the stairs, I didn’t really understand, he was saying something about some old woman in the street telling him there was going to be an explosion. There were traffic cones in front of my front door (on the inside) I was very confused, for some reason I thought it was to do with the gas company which (in waking life are going to be doing something to our street gas supply in the coming months) when we opened the door we just stood and looked out, my neighbour opposite was on his porch smoking. Suddenly there was some type of aircraft on the opposite side of the road and there was an explosion. The house next to our neighbour’s house exploded, glass and wood everywhere (my house is made of concrete…. As are the other houses in the street) then it happened again, more explosions and the house kept getting more destroyed until it was just a burnt shell, the two houses next to it to were now destroyed. We ran into the street as the aircraft passed over us, I remember my parents screaming because we knew they were going to our house next. I told them I wanted to save my cat and tried to run back in. Suddenly, what I assume were aliens got out of the aircraft and ran into my house with guns. Suddenly I was fighting them with a gun too. Shooting at them, but it had no effect. I don’t know what happened next because the next thing I remember I was in my garden with my parents and some other random people. I saw my cat appear from the bushes and called it over, it kept running around. Eventually I caught him and that’s when I woke up.
Such a weird graphic dream, there was no deaths, no blood, no fire. Just explosions and fear. I was getting shot at and not dying. It was so very strange. I think the two key points of this dream were the explosions and the “war” these are what I have looked up in the dream dictionary. “Dreams about explosions could represent your fear of problem worsening or causing you an enormous embarrassment.” Well, this is true. I am terrified my anxiety and depression is getting worse, I know it is and I am worried. And yes, I am embarrassed to admit that so I think that is accurate. As for the war part two, things stood out for me “Feelings about the devastating personal costs of confronting a waking life problem.” and “struggle against the personal cost of facing your addiction” Well, these two are accurate, I am terrified my depression is getting worse but I am terrified of losing it all together, I am addicted to my depression, but it’s deeper than that. I think it deserves a piece all of its own, but I am scared I will lose my depression and then with it lose the only thing I can brutally and honestly write about, and if that happens I will become depressed because I would have nothing to be creative about. It’s a vicious circle.

When I woke up I had forgotten about the dream. Then I heard the sound of a helicopter outside (I live near a 4 wooded areas the police helicopter is always around) and I got flashbacks to this dream and suddenly I felt incredibly anxious again, for a split second I thought “was this real?” then I realised what I was thinking and reminded myself it was just a dream. I then began thinking I hope I haven’t given myself post traumatic stress disorder. But as usual this is my silly anxiety and irrational thoughts making me think silly things.

I think dreams are important, they are the way our brain deals with subconscious things that sometimes we aren’t ready to deal with. I feel not all dreams are important some (for me anyway) are just a rehashing of the day’s events in a weird nonsensical way. But the few that stand out, for me, are lessons in what my subconscious is really thinking. Sadly, they often make me more anxious, but it’s good to know regardless.

I dream but never can remember them after I get up.
I do remember one dream I had probably over ten years ago and I woke up laughing that uncontrollable laughing. Even writing and thinking about it now I want to laugh. It was just a scene of a man at a lunch table playing with his necktie.

Dealing with your depression won’t take away who you are! Believe me it actually allows you to be more your self. And you will still have ups and downs in dealing with it to write about, healing from it to write about, and new things in your life to write about. Getting help with my depression was one of the best things I ever did, and I wish I had done it earlier.
Plus you’ll still have weird dreams now and then, I still do.

Your anxiety is definitely understandable. Having more of those dreams may increase your anxiety. But you’ll also get more pieces of the puzzle that your subconcious may want you to be conscious about. When you said that “I am addicted to my depression”, it was jarring to me because I’ve often felt this way. Especially when I first realized that therapy was helping. Because I feel like I’ve know my depression longer than I’ve known myself, it became like a weird comfort zone… a toxic relationship. In time your thoughts about it will change but don’t be too hard on yourself in the meantime. We all have a distinct path to on our journey to wellness.