I spent more nights than I can remember lying awake, tossing and turning over past mistakes and the ever-growing fear of the future with an alcoholic. I would wake in the middle of the night and not be able to return to sleep. I agonized over the seemingly horrible decisions of my past, which morphed into the blackness of despair for my hopeless future.

Each new fear replaced another as my nightmare scenarios increased exponentially. My Sponsor lovingly listened to my pitiful story. When I finally paused for a breath, she made two simple suggestions—say the Serenity Prayer, and make a gratitude list.

I knew my decision to attend Al‑Anon was a realization that I needed help, and I was ready to listen. That night when I was still wrapped in a cloak of victimhood and couldn’t sleep, I tried repeating the Serenity Prayer over and over, each time focusing on every word and its meaning. Eventually, I began a gratitude list. I did not believe I had much to be grateful for, so I began with a very simple list.

I was grateful for a warm, comfortable bed to sleep in, a roof over my head, the coolness of air on my skin, the soothing sound of the fan next to my bed, etc. Focusing on the many things for which I did feel gratitude, I fell soundly asleep and woke up refreshed the next morning.

Today, looking back, I realize this was the beginning of my serenity, the beginning of my recovery and the beginning of a whole new life of gratitude.

By Keith K., FloridaThe Forum, May 2017

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al‑Anon Family Group Hdqts., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

Loving an alcoholic is like being on a roller coaster. The ride involves unexpected twists and turns, and things can get very scary. One moment I’m riding high and enjoying the view, and in the next instant, I am plunging to new depths. Just when I think the ride has come to an end, it seems I am taken on another crazy adventure. At times, things are upside down, and I feel like throwing up or jumping off the ride.

There definitely is a thrill to being on the roller coaster of crisis and chaos—it’s exciting, dramatic and distracting. The experience gets my adrenaline going and makes me feel alive. However, the roller coaster has a dark side. I forget to take care of myself, and I neglect other important responsibilities. I can get so used to being on the ride that I forget to put my feet on the ground once in a while.

Al‑Anon has helped me know that I have a choice today about whether I stay on the ride. I can even leave the amusement park if I so choose. It’s okay to take a break from the roller coaster and catch my breath.

By Christina S., OhioThe Forum, May 2017

Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al‑Anon Family Group Hdqts., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

Let me start by saying I don’t often like epiphanies. The sudden awareness of something I didn’t understand before can be unsettling—and annoying.

During my first few months in Al-Anon, I kept saying, “I don’t get it.” I saw other members of the group smiling, laughing, exchanging hugs, and generally looking happy. Often those people had stories far worse than mine, and I couldn’t understand how they could seem so calm and content.

I kept repeating that phrase to myself over and over, “I don’t get it.” Then one day, it occurred to me that I wasn’t saying it correctly. I realized how strong my resistance was. I was so afraid of being disappointed once more that I was holding back. In that moment, I understood that “I don’t get it” really meant, “I won’t let it.” Fearing failure, I was being self-protective and wasn’t letting myself grow. Once I admitted that to myself, my experience in Al-Anon began to change.

Another time, I was talking about wanting to get off the roller coaster, a phrase I have heard others use as well. But this time I heard something come out of my mouth that surprised me. I started by saying, “I really want to get off the roller coaster” then added, “But I keep buying the tickets.” It was a moment of realizing my role in my own happiness—and in my unhappiness as well.

Sometimes, a new understanding can bring comfort out of misery. In my first few months in Al-Anon, I often felt worse at meetings than I did other places. Part of that came from feeling as if I could never achieve what others seemed to achieve, but I’ve come to understand there was another reason. I often felt worse in meetings because that was the one place in my life where it was safe to be unhappy. There wasn’t anyone there who didn’t understand, and on some level I knew no one there was going to judge me for it, or try to change me. I was allowed to be me—tears and all.

Let me repeat what I said at the beginning. I often don’t like epiphanies. They often remove my excuses for not learning and changing, and they remind me that my serenity is not dependent on what someone else does or doesn’t do, it’s up to me. But it is also a reminder from my Higher Power that serenity is possible, even happiness, and sometimes I just need to get out of my own way. I also need to remind myself that “Progress Not Perfection” lets me grow in my own way and at my own pace—a priceless gift.

By Eric F., CaliforniaThe Forum, May 2016

Reprinted with permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

This past summer, my daughter and I planned to hike a section of the Appalachian Trail. Although we both loved the outdoors and were frequent day hikers, neither of us had attempted an overnight backpacking experience. After watching numerous on-line videos for advice, studying trail maps, and loading our packs, we set off for adventure, compass in hand and a smile on our faces.

Seasoned backpackers will tell you that “newbies” on the trail are easily recognized by the size of their packs, carrying everything but the kitchen sink. We were no exception. Our packs were easily half our body weight and towered over our heads. After the first mile, we got the hang of balancing our loads and conquered one steep ascent after another.

All was well until I had the misfortune to misstep and “roll” on a stick. I was thrown off balance, my feet went out from under me, and I found myself looking up at the sky, my fall cushioned by my pack. My daughter ran to my aid but was quickly overcome with fits of laughter at the sight of me attempting to get back on my feet.

Every effort to stand up was negated by the heavy pack. No matter how I tried, I was stuck, much like an overturned turtle. After valiant efforts to right myself, I lay exhausted by the situation, needing some kind of helping hand to stand. Once I gave up fighting the pack weight, a thought came to me. If I just unclipped my pack, I would be able to stand. I did. Now free from the weight of my burden, I stood upright.

My experience on the trail holds many lessons for me when compared to Al-Anon. Many of us carried a burden from the effects of alcoholism, causing us to lose our balance and get stuck. Our best efforts were ineffective in “righting” ourselves in our relationships and lives. For me, the experience, strength, and hope provided by the program are the freeing solutions to the family disease of alcoholism. The Steps and Traditions help me unclip the burden of the effects of growing up with alcoholism, allowing me to proceed down the trail of life upright and balanced.

By Mary Jo H.The Forum, May 2016

Reprinted with permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

It has been almost 14 years since my father had his last drink, his last rage, his last broken promise, and his last lie. But it wasn’t until he stopped drinking that I realized I was just as sick as him. I wanted so much to trust his words, to not be afraid of him getting angry, and to trust that he wouldn’t lie to me. But the reality was that I still feared all of it. He stopped drinking, but I didn’t stop fearing.

The sickness boiled over into other relationships and affected my social life. As long as I could remember, I feared alcohol and places where people would over-drink, like parties, weddings, and bars. I never knew if someone would get out of control and hurt me. When deciding on who I was going to let into my life, I had a strict screening process. I felt I had to protect my children and myself from going through what I had lived through as a child and young adult. I thought all this made me healthy. I thought that although I couldn’t control my father or my home life when I was a child, I could certainly control it as an adult. I was protected and I was safe.

In Al-Anon, I have learned that control is a façade that people who live or have lived with an alcoholic needed to protect themselves. In reality, I don’t have any control over people, places, or things. I have learned that not only do I not have control, I don’t even want it. Having that much control meant that I had to have that much responsibility in everyone else’s life—a burden much too heavy to carry. In Al-Anon, I learned ways to become free of that emotional weight. I learned that in trusting myself, I could trust others. In loving myself, I have learned to love others. In being strong and emotionally sound, I have developed strong and emotionally sound relationships. Al-Anon gives me the tools to set me free.

Today, through my continued commitment in the Al-Anon program, I am strong and I know that no matter what happens in my life, I am capable of handling it. I am no longer afraid.

“Looking back and remembering what I was like…makes me realize how grateful I am to the program.” Alateen—a day at a time (B-10), p. 366

By Sarah R., MarylandThe Forum, May 2016

Reprinted with permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.