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(Please accompany your Children while here this is still an adult humor blog)

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Some Old & Some New Saturday Morning Mess

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#A young buck went into a large store for a packet of rubbers. "Have you tried the rainbow ones?" asked the assistant, "We've got red ones, blue ones, green ones, orange ones, yellow ones, plus a few other different colors." "I'll try the lot," said the young man adventurously. Six months later, he appeared in the same store with a rather sorry looking young girl asking for maternity dresses. The same assistant served them asking, "What bust, madam?" "The blue one," The young man said sadly.+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#After the Sundays game, Norman figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed. "Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run." "How about Foreplay?" his wife replies. "What's the Four Play?" says Todd. "You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+A pig farmer in Alabama was trying to get his pigs to breed, with no success. Every morning, he'd run outside to the barn and perform a pregnancy test on the female pigs. Everyday, the results were negative. The farmer was baffled. One day, he called the local vet and asked for some advice. The farmer explained that he couldn't get his pigs to mate. The vet replied, "Try artificial insemination." "What's that?" the farmer asked. The veterinarian said, "It just means if you can't get your pigs to mate, you'll have to do it for them." So the next day the farmer rounded his pigs into the back of his pickup and headed into the woods. Soon he stopped, and one by one he shagged each of the pigs. Later that week, the farmer checked the pigs. None of them were pregnant! So the farmer took the pigs out again and shagged them really good. After days of this, with no pregnant pigs, the farmer gave up. One morning as he went to feed the pigs, he arrived to find that the pigs were all missing! He ran back inside the house and shouted, "Wife! The pigs are gone!" His wife replied, "Honey you're not going to believe this, but all of your pigs are sitting in your pickup, and one of them is honking the horn."~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome Buffalo came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender. "We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right. Buffalo handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon." The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked Buffalo. "I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golfballs, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. Thepuzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully andfinally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had amalfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent arescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knewanything about the crash.

The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chiefreplied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew wereshocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "Weate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi"

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We atetheir arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you..you know...eat their...'things'??" The chief says, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#Three prostitutes are chatting in a bar one night and the topic comes up on how loose they are.

The first one says, "Oh, three fingers."

The second says, "Gotcha beat, my whole fist!"

The third one just laughed and slid down the bar stool.+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had amalfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent arescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knewanything about the crash.

The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chiefreplied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew wereshocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "Weate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi"

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We atetheir arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you..you know...eat their...'things'??" The chief says, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+Joe, a guy traveling through Mexico on vacation,Lost his wallet and all identification.Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his wayHome but is stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day.No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a pictureOf Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George BushOn the other."

"This I gotta see," replies the agent.

With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Go on home to Boston."

"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?"

The agent replies, "I recognized Ted Kennedy in the middle."~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#Q. How do Scotsmen find sheep in tall grass?A. Apparently - very satisfying...+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

~ Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.~ Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson.~ Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.~ She refuses to let you milk her, saying: "Not on a first date."~ You catch your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half ofChicago.~ Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.~ Your cow appears on Oprah and Jerry Springer, claiming to be ahorse trapped in a cow's body.~ Your cow is wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.~ Your cow quits the family dairy and applies for a job at Burger King.