A Helpful Guide to Funeral Etiquette

When a friend or acquaintance dies, your first reaction may be to help.
But you may not be sure of what to say or do. It is natural to feel this
way. This information is designed to inform you on proper etiquette and also
provide helpful advice on how you can be of comfort to the bereaved.

While you may feel hesitant about intruding on the family during their
grief, it is important to visit them. It lets the family know that while
their loved one is gone, they are not alone; that while suffering a great
loss, they are still connected to the living, and that life will go on.

WHEN SHOULD I VISIT?

Upon learning of a death, intimate friends of the family should visit the
home to offer sympathy and ask if they can help. You may prefer to visit the
family at the funeral home. This setting may be more comfortable for you and
the family, as they are prepared for visitors.

HOW LONG SHOULD I STAY AT A VISITATION?

It is only necessary to stay for a short time; fifteen minutes or so
gives you enough time to express your sympathy.

WHAT SHOULD I SAY?

Using your own words, express your sympathy. Kind words about the person
who has died is always appropriate. If the family wants to talk, they
usually simply need to express their feelings; they are not necessarily
looking for a response from you. The kindest response is usually a warm hug
and simply say, AI
understand@.

THE VISITATION AT THE FUNERAL HOME

A formal visitation provides a time and place for friends to offer their
expressions of sorrow and sympathy. This practice is most common among the
Protestant and Catholic faiths. The obituary should tell you the visitation
hours and when the family will be present, or you may call the funeral home
for this information.

When you arrive, go to the family, and express your sympathy with an
embrace or by offering your hand. Don=t
feel as though you must avoid talking about the person who has died. Talking
can help the grieving process begin. If you were an acquaintance of the
deceased but not well known to the family, immediately introduce yourself.
Do not feel uncomfortable if you or the family members become emotional or
begin to cry. Allowing the family to grieve is a natural healing process.
However, if you find yourself becoming extremely upset, it would be kinder
to excuse yourself so as not to increase the strain on the family.

Viewing the deceased is not mandatory. However, if offered by the family,
it is customary to show your respects by viewing the deceased, and, if you
desire, spending a few moments in silent prayer. Always sign your name in
the register book. If you were a business associate of the deceased, it is
appropriate to note your company affiliation or the family may not otherwise
know you.

Your simple presence will mean a lot to the family. You do not need to
stay for the entire visitation, but try not to leave during any prayers that
might be offered.

OTHER EXPRESSIONS OF SYMPATHY

While there is no substitute for a personal visit if you are able to do
so, there are many other ways to express your sympathy.

E - MAIL:

E-mail is appropriate from those who are not intimate with the family
such as a business associate or a former neighbor. The family will
appreciate your message of concern.

FLOWERS:

Flowers can be a great comfort to the family and may be sent to the
funeral home or to the residence. Some people prefer to send flowers to the
residence afterwards. If the family asks that donations should be made in
lieu of flowers, you should honor that request.

FOOD FOR THE FAMILY:

The most welcome gift at this time is food. Also, there may be several
visitors in the house who need to be fed. During the days immediately
following the death, substantial dishes that require little preparation
other than reheating are appropriate.

MASS CARDS:

If the deceased was Catholic, some people will send a mass card instead
or in addition to flowers. Catholics and non-Catholics may arrange for a
mass to be said for the deceased. It is also appropriate to arrange a mass
on the anniversary of the death.

MEMORIAL GIFTS:

A memorial gift is always appropriate, especially when the family has
requested such a gift in lieu of flowers. Usually the family will designate
a specific organization or charity. Remember to provide the family=s
name and address to the charity so they can send proper notification. It is
acceptable to mention your gift in a sympathy note without mentioning the
amount of the gift. When possible, Givens Funeral Home will offer a
direct link to charities requested by the family.

PHONE CALLS:

If you live out-of-town you should telephone as soon as possible to offer
your sympathy. Keep the call brief, since others will probably be trying to
call as well.

THE FUNERAL SERVICE

Funeral services differ depending upon the religious and personal beliefs
of the family. Funeral services can be held at a church, temple, funeral
home, or even the residence. Most folks will chose the funeral home, because
of its central location or its unique service it provides.

Whether the service is held at the funeral home or at church, enter
quietly and be seated. The first few rows are usually reserved for family
members, however, people should sit close behind them to give comfort and
support. The ceremony is usually conducted by a member of the clergy, but
others may offer thoughts, anecdotes, or eulogies. At the conclusion of the
service, you will want to leave promptly, and wait in your car if you plan
to follow the procession to the cemetery. Remember to turn your headlights
on so you can be identified as being a part of the procession. Also remember
to turn your headlights off once you arrive at the cemetery.

IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE FUNERAL

Immediately after the funeral, the family sometimes invites the attendees
to join them for food or a reception at their home or designated place. This
gives everyone a chance to talk and provides some time to relax and refresh.
Sometimes friends or church members will take it upon themselves to prepare
food ahead of time for this gathering, and relieve the family of this task.

AFTERWARDS

WHAT DO I SAY WHEN I SEE THE FAMILY IN PUBLIC?

What you say depends on if you have already had contact with them. If you
attended the visitation or funeral, merely greet them warmly and ask how
they are doing. If this is your first meeting with them since the death,
your first reaction might be to express your sympathy. However, it is nicer
not to bring up the death as this might evoke emotions which might be
painful for your friend to deal with in a public place. Perhaps it would be
better just to say you understand that this is a difficult time for them.
You might even ask when it would be a good time to visit or go to lunch or
dinner.

WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP LATER?

In the days and months to come, the family will continue to need your
support. Try to write or call on a regular basis. Continue to include them
in your social plans, they will let you know when they are ready to
participate. It is also nice to remember the family on special occasions
during the first year following the death. Don=t
worry about bringing up the pain and emotion of the loss, they are well
aware of that. By remembering such occasions as wedding anniversaries and
birthdays, you are not remembering the death, but reaffirming that a life
was lived.

It is our sincere hope that this information will help guide you on how
you can be of comfort to someone who is grieving the lost of their loved
one. If there is any other information or questions you may have please feel
free to contact us any time by telephone 540-921-1650
or stop by at your convenience.