Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Dear Dr. Resnick.....

I decided to apply to be secretary for my little sister's "therapy business". Below is my resume....

Dear Dr. Resnick,I have heard amazing things about your therapy business and would be honored to work as your secretary. Attached below is my resume---hopefully you find it satisfactory.

I most certainly deserve the job because I am a highly qualified secretary. I have worked at gas stations, lawyer offices, and I even once got the President his coffee. As you can tell, I have a massive amount of experience and frankly am the best person for the job.

Skills: I have an enormous skill set that would be very beneficial to your rapidly- expanding business. I know how to read, speak English, write (but only certain words), re-stock tissue boxes AND I even know how to answer phone calls (I went to college for that one). I am incredibly skilled in all things of the almighty secretarial desk.

Personal interests: I am a very interesting person with what I see as a great array of hobbies. I love taking walks, eating chocolate, and reading romance books written by teenagers. If I am feeling quite daring, I might do things like go to the market- but I don’t that often as I am not really a peoples’ person.

Experience : As I said before, I have worked at gas stations all across the country, law offices, and even gave the President his coffee (he didn’t look very happy to see me). I am also proud to say I have been abducted by both aliens AND Edward the vampire from Twilight. From the first experience, I now know how to play dead. From the second experience--well, I don’t think it would be appropriate to describe that there. Let’s just say vampire. woods. rainbows. I am also practicing my skills all the time by answering the phone when it rings at my house. Once, I even stopped mid- evacuating my bowels to answer the phone. It was quite an experience and has taught me a lot. I would be happy to do the same for your business.

Name: Elizabeth Bokurkinksunnkskunksloplmn (please make sure you say my name properly- so far, no one has been able to (including myself) but I know you are smart, Dr. Resnick)

Background: I have a very impressive background. In my early years, I would work as a car washer for my dad. Then, when I was a teen, I started to illegally work at a Walmart downtown. I am also a professional banana seller and have a license to teach monkeys how to dance. Once, I even worked as operator of the front desk for a local 5$ motel, but that completely ended. I have also robbed a bank, taught my dog how to sit, eating squid, answered the phone, built my own diorama out of dead skunks, AND I recently learned what a computer was.

Dr Resnick- I really hope you consider me for the job offer. Frankly, I think I am the best you’re gonna get. My extraordinarily impressive resume and home baked pumpkin bread (my 12 cats helped me) will, I believe, show you that I am extremely qualified.