Thank you, Batya. Iím taking all of this in and I totally appreciate your insight.

Oh I know I wrote a lot and rambled. Certainly I still feel envy, and sometimes at odd times/odd circumstances, or I feel annoyed about something a friend or acquaintance is doing (often triggered by social media of course.....) and I know I should get to the root of why it's particularly annoying when it "shouldn't be". But again feelings are feelings right? I try to focus on the reactions and on choosing reactions.

Envy is insecurity and thinking too hard about other people, what they have and preoccupying yourself with their lives. It's better to concentrate on yourself because other people are not as important as you think.

Never put others on a pedestal while completely ignoring yourself and your life.

When I was younger, I was envious of so many people which wasted my time and energy.

Once I began to focus on my life and had the "go-getter, I'm going places and on the fast track" mentality, I suddenly became popular, well-liked by many and guess what? Other people ENVIED ME much to my shock. Get your act together. I never imagined in a million years that I would actually become the object of envy by others.

Change the way you think and change your actions based upon what's best for your life. Then your envious feelings will disappear quickly.

Quit emphasizing on others. They're really not worth envying at all. You're envying their facade. You don't know what type of person they really are or what type of life they lead. If you knew, you would actually look upon their lives with great disdain.

Ignorance is bliss. Don't care and envious feelings will vanish.

Change your perspective and change the way you think. Once you change your mindset, you will become a happy, secure lady.

So for me the envy issue was based entirely on marital and parenting status -sure they could have been unhappily married or not really in love but in several cases I knew they were happily married and in love and had the baby I so so wanted with every fiber of my being -so if the person seemed to be in a stable marriage or better and had a child that triggered my envy and I personally didn't try hard to self-talk myself out of it because I knew how much I wanted those things in my life and I felt like it was right out of my reach and time was quickly running out. I knew of a lot of single people who talked themselves out of this envy -either by making negative generalizations about marriage, parenthood, focusing on all the "freedom" they had but I preferred to be brutally honest with myself and keep pursuing my goal. I feel freer being married than when I was single. I feel less free being a parent than non-parent because I cannot come and go as I please much of the time still - but I knew that would happen and welcomed it so, no regrets but yes it is a loss of freedom. But when I was not a parent and no husband/fiancee telling myself that I was free to come and go as I please in situations where a parent could not helped me not at all.

Envy? Whatís the basis for that feeling?

Originally Posted by Batya33

So for me the envy issue was based entirely on marital and parenting status -sure they could have been unhappily married or not really in love but in several cases I knew they were happily married and in love and had the baby I so so wanted with every fiber of my being -so if the person seemed to be in a stable marriage or better and had a child that triggered my envy and I personally didn't try hard to self-talk myself out of it because I knew how much I wanted those things in my life and I felt like it was right out of my reach and time was quickly running out. I knew of a lot of single people who talked themselves out of this envy -either by making negative generalizations about marriage, parenthood, focusing on all the "freedom" they had but I preferred to be brutally honest with myself and keep pursuing my goal. I feel freer being married than when I was single. I feel less free being a parent than non-parent because I cannot come and go as I please much of the time still - but I knew that would happen and welcomed it so, no regrets but yes it is a loss of freedom. But when I was not a parent and no husband/fiancee telling myself that I was free to come and go as I please in situations where a parent could not helped me not at all.

You both have great points and the thing is, in the rest of my life, I have it so great! I donít know that I am envied by others as I donít pay much attention to that, but I know I am very respected by others. I have an amazing job that I love, a great schedule, I make great money doing it, etc. I live in a home that I love. I have dogs that I adore. I have all that a person could want, really. Iím not by any means wealthy, but Iím comfortable. In terms of relationships, I donít look at these other peopleís relationships and think they are great and I wish I could be in them. I know their relationships are not perfect and at times, not even that healthy. Itís the fact that I of course do wish I had a healthy relationship and the envy that comes in at times with this kind of thing is having someone that Iím very attracted to, who is off-limits, and someone else gets to be with them. It doesnít happen often. I was with someone for five years and the person I was with before that was very technically available but emotionally not. Then the envy is that other people get them as well. Their work comes first, for example. I fell in love with a friend a few years ago. We couldnít
be together for several reasons even though the feelings were mutual. And I spent a lot of time wishing that were different an envious of the people that were able to experience her in a way that I was not. And I think, perhaps, what it comes down to, as Cherylyn has just mentioned is that we take the focus off of ourselves and our lives and we make it about that person, that thing, that relationship. And itís so true that that does very little in terms of being productive.

Closing the gap means desire less. Realize that things in life are gifts, not guarantees. Empathy is the antithesis of envy. You look at others and think, that's nice. It depends what you mean by envy. If it's looking around at people, places, things and thinking "that is nice" or getting upset that they have what seems to elude you.

Originally Posted by Nebraskagirl14

I guess when itís a material item or an experience, itís simple. But what if itís a relationship? And not just any relationship is the thing...

You both have great points and the thing is, in the rest of my life, I have it so great! I donít know that I am envied by others as I donít pay much attention to that, but I know I am very respected by others. I have an amazing job that I love, a great schedule, I make great money doing it, etc. I live in a home that I love. I have dogs that I adore. I have all that a person could want, really. Iím not by any means wealthy, but Iím comfortable. In terms of relationships, I donít look at these other peopleís relationships and think they are great and I wish I could be in them. I know their relationships are not perfect and at times, not even that healthy. Itís the fact that I of course do wish I had a healthy relationship and the envy that comes in at times with this kind of thing is having someone that Iím very attracted to, who is off-limits, and someone else gets to be with them. It doesnít happen often. I was with someone for five years and the person I was with before that was very technically available but emotionally not. Then the envy is that other people get them as well. Their work comes first, for example. I fell in love with a friend a few years ago. We couldnít
be together for several reasons even though the feelings were mutual. And I spent a lot of time wishing that were different an envious of the people that were able to experience her in a way that I was not. And I think, perhaps, what it comes down to, as Cherylyn has just mentioned is that we take the focus off of ourselves and our lives and we make it about that person, that thing, that relationship. And itís so true that that does very little in terms of being productive.

Very well put and I get it. As far as the person where you "couldn't be together" I would, personally, accept that as "didn't want to be together" or one of you didn't want it badly enough. Mutuality of feelings is only part of the story of a committed relationship. You also need to want to commit and to act consistently with wanting to commit and being committed. Sure, pursuing someone who is married or otherwise not available makes no sense -because then it's easy to have mutual feelings -the person who is not available knows that she never has to act on those feelings by acting in a committed way -it can be exciting to be in that arrangement and without having to put in the effort to maintain and develop a healthful relationship it's easier to be "in love".

Yes, it hurts when someone else gets to be with the person you want. I remember that nauseous feeling when I learned that someone who broke up with me was now engaged, for example, or the time I asked a man out -I actually asked him to be with me - my boyfriend- in college and he said no and the next day was with this really pretty "cool" chick. Ouch.

Yes, you have a fun fulfilling life. And you want a committed relationship. Both of those thing are true of course. Respect from others is precious and says a great deal about your character and integrity.

Closing the gap means desire less. Realize that things in life are gifts, not guarantees. Empathy is the antithesis of envy. You look at others and think, that's nice. It depends what you mean by envy. If it's looking around at people, places, things and thinking "that is nice" or getting upset that they have what seems to elude you.

Envy? Whatís the basis for that feeling?

Originally Posted by Batya33

Very well put and I get it. As far as the person where you "couldn't be together" I would, personally, accept that as "didn't want to be together" or one of you didn't want it badly enough. Mutuality of feelings is only part of the story of a committed relationship. You also need to want to commit and to act consistently with wanting to commit and being committed. Sure, pursuing someone who is married or otherwise not available makes no sense -because then it's easy to have mutual feelings -the person who is not available knows that she never has to act on those feelings by acting in a committed way -it can be exciting to be in that arrangement and without having to put in the effort to maintain and develop a healthful relationship it's easier to be "in love".

Yes, it hurts when someone else gets to be with the person you want. I remember that nauseous feeling when I learned that someone who broke up with me was now engaged, for example, or the time I asked a man out -I actually asked him to be with me - my boyfriend- in college and he said no and the next day was with this really pretty "cool" chick. Ouch.

Yes, you have a fun fulfilling life. And you want a committed relationship. Both of those thing are true of course. Respect from others is precious and says a great deal about your character and integrity.

Thank you, Batya Youíre right that one person didnít want it. I have been through that a couple of times where there was a definite connection and feelings that were thrilling but one person wasnít willing to move forward into a committed relationship, and at times, that person has been me. I think the trick is where to put those feelings so that you donít focus on them so much. I believe in the Law of Attraction and they take the perspective that whatever you focus on becomes bigger and more important and the more you focus elsewhere, that other thing will sort of fade into the background. I think perhaps focusing less on other people and more on me is a huge part of what I need to be doing. That is probably the case most of the time. I get caught up in feelings and emotions and hyperfocus on them and need to just put them somewhere so I can move on.

You both have great points and the thing is, in the rest of my life, I have it so great! I donít know that I am envied by others as I donít pay much attention to that, but I know I am very respected by others. I have an amazing job that I love, a great schedule, I make great money doing it, etc. I live in a home that I love. I have dogs that I adore. I have all that a person could want, really. Iím not by any means wealthy, but Iím comfortable. In terms of relationships, I donít look at these other peopleís relationships and think they are great and I wish I could be in them. I know their relationships are not perfect and at times, not even that healthy. Itís the fact that I of course do wish I had a healthy relationship and the envy that comes in at times with this kind of thing is having someone that Iím very attracted to, who is off-limits, and someone else gets to be with them. It doesnít happen often. I was with someone for five years and the person I was with before that was very technically available but emotionally not. Then the envy is that other people get them as well. Their work comes first, for example. I fell in love with a friend a few years ago. We couldnít
be together for several reasons even though the feelings were mutual. And I spent a lot of time wishing that were different an envious of the people that were able to experience her in a way that I was not. And I think, perhaps, what it comes down to, as Cherylyn has just mentioned is that we take the focus off of ourselves and our lives and we make it about that person, that thing, that relationship. And itís so true that that does very little in terms of being productive.

Perhaps you're looking at all the wrong places when it comes to eligible, high quality men. It is true that all the great catches are snatched up very early. I've observed this phenomenon all my life.

If you want to take action and find "thee one," go where they are. They're not at singles bars and most of them are not on dating websites either. They're at school, working hard at their jobs, perhaps church, volunteering in their community, belong to special organizations, clubs, classes, with their family and friends. Great, very moral people are very busy with their own lives. Birds of a feather flock together. Alike minds and alike people are together or attracted to each other. Be with stable, solid, normal, very moral people because they're more enduring. Just keep those reminders within the deep recesses of your brain.

In the meantime, concentrate on living your own life with your purposes whether it's your job, interests, focus on your health, surround yourself with honorable people and if you want to meet new people know where they are. Or, make connections through mutual friends because they've already done their homework for you and can vouch for certain eligible bachelors.

Remember, in some ways, you're off limits, too. You sound like a high quality lady. You'll find "thee one," because you're not willing to settle for a man who is subpar.

I've found that once you concentrate on your own life, YOU are the one who becomes the draw without having to try to so hard to attract men. This is what high quality men look for in a woman: INDEPENDENCE. They love that in a woman. Just like women love independence in a man. Financial independence. Be strong.

You will find the right one. You have to be at the right place at the right time. Also, you have know where they are as I've mentioned above.

As far as the person where you "couldn't be together" I would, personally, accept that as "didn't want to be together" or one of you didn't want it badly enough.

Razor sharp here, and a subtle distinction that is the difference, or part of it, between available (reality) and unavailable (fantasy). There is a comforting softness to the former, a passivity, an ellipsis instead of a period; the latter is hard, active, bracketed. Both are really just stories, the things human being need, along with food and shelter, to stay alive without going mad.

The question is: What is the more nourishing story to tell to get through the day and get what we want?

Been thinking about this thread, trying to figure out why it resonates. Think I can relate, in my own way, to the idea of envying "emotional availability," even before I had the language to express that. Jobs, homes, cars, looksóthat stuff has never been more than a mosquito bite. What people think about meónot a major concern. I making a living, in ways, by being publicly consumed and have never much paid attention to what people say because I already know the answer: they say everything. Other people having sex with and loving people who are not me, including those I've loved and had sex with, or yearned for some version of all that withóthat hasn't been much a of thing either.

But I have felt a pang when I could detect a level of "availability" in people that I didn't have. Didn't have to be in a romantic situation; could be dude I meet on a corner. I could riff plenty on my own journey, but maybe something to think about is isolating that as the thing you "envy," a kind of state of being, rather than something other people are doing or experiencing out there in the world, without you or instead of with you.

If you think of it like that the only solution is what you've just touched on: focusing on yourself rather than others. And it might come kind of organicallyówith some time, patience, discipline, and awareness, of courseórather than through some kind "work."