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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Reader Comments (58)

Sung to "Daniel in the Den"Wrecking alongAt a pace unknown to manNO NO NO NO NONONONO NO NO NOAnd you thought these cakes were badThe falcon traumatized my motherAnd for every cake they cutI would buy another And it's harder than you thinkBuying cakes for one anotherFour eyed zebra toadHas traumatized my motherWrecked in the night by the cakes I thought I lovedThey just look like pooWrecked in the night by the cakes I thought I lovedThey just look like poo...

The wonderful thing about craphoundsIs craphounds are wonderful thingsTheir tops are made out of crapTheir bottoms are made out of, well, crapThey're crappy, crappy, crappy, crappy,Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ughBut the most wonderful thing about craphounds?This is the only one. Yes, it's the only one.

[Editor's note- Yup. On Wednesdays, we put up one of the classics and label it a wrecky replay. We have quite a few new readers who haven't had the chance to read all 3,000 posts. On Wednesdays, I give Jen a break and put up one of our favorites from '09 or '10. Have an awesome day! -john (thoJ)]

Am I wrong to persist in my belief that the motion picture version of Steel Magnolias (the one with Olympia Dukakis and Shirley MacClaine etc.) was the turning point of the cake decorating industry in America? Because of the Armadillo Red Velvet Grooms cake? I remember pure white crisco-cream frosted fountains of wedding cakes in the 1970s and 1980s. I remember colorful Wilton style piped frosting birthday cakes shaped like Pac-Man and Spider Man in 1970s and 1980s. All the other cakes just looked like cakes until I saw my first fondant style wedding cake sometime in the early 1990s.

But the real trend toward cake art, nationally, seemed to explode right around the time that red velvet Armadillo Cake hit the big screen.

#3 is the oft stepped on Turdadillo. Is known to linger in tall grasses, and when stepped on by the unsuspecting barefoot or flip flop wearer, it will emit a squishy, toe- encasing defensive slime and squeal "Peeeooooooop!"

“Oh, Dick,” said Jane. “Look at this cake. Funny, funny cake.”“Oh, Jane,” said Dick. “I see the funny, funny cake. What is it?”“It looks like throw up,” said Jane. “Throw up with eyes.”“Oh, Jane,” said Dick. “You said throw up. That’s gross. Gross, gross, gross.”

“What is that next thing?” said Jane.“I don’t know,” said Dick. “Here comes Sally. Let’s ask her.”“Oh, Sally,” said Jane. “Do you know what this is?”“Oh, Dick, Oh, Jane,” said Sally. “That is yuk. See the yuk. Look, Dick, look. Look, Jane, look. Yuk, yuk, yuk. I saw our dog Spot make that once. He was sick. Sick, sick, Spot. He ate some grass and made green throw up just like that.”“Oh, Sally,” said Dick. “Now you said throw up. When can I say throw up?”“Oh, Dick,” said Sally. “Only girls can say throw up.”“Oh, Sally,” said Dick. “What do boys say?”“Boys say barf,” said Sally.“Oh, Sally,” said Dick. “That is the sound Spot makes. Spot goes barf, barf, barf. Funny, funny Spot.”

“Look, look,” said Jane. “Look at the next one. It looks like poop.”“Run,” said Dick. “Run, run, run.”“Silly, silly Dick,” said Sally. “It is a cake. It is not really poop. Funny, funny cake. Funny, funny Dick.”“If that is cake,” said Dick, “then Spot is leaving cakes all over the back yard.”“Oh, Dick, said Sally. “Funny, funny Spot. He is a baker. He bakes poop cakes every day.”“Oh, Jane. Oh, Sally. You both said poop. I want to say poop.”“Oh, Dick,” said Jane. “Boys don’t say poop. Only girls can say poop.”“Oh, Jane,” said Dick. “What do boys say?”“Boys say bowel movement,” said Jane.“Bowel movement?” said Dick. “No sh*t.”

“Look,” said Sally, “Look, look, look. What is that one?”“I think that is a happy Disco Newt who just got married in Illinois,” said Jane.“Oh, Jane,” said Dick. “What does that mean?”“Ask Mom,” said Jane.

“I see one more funny cake,” said Dick. “But do not touch it. You will get warts.”“Oh, Dick,” said Sally. “You cannot get warts from a cake. Silly, silly Dick.”“Oh, Sally,” said Dick. “You can get frosting warts. Billy at school toad me so.”“Oh, Dick,” said Jane. “You made a joke. Ha, ha, ha. Funny, funny Dick.”

Ah! An excellent representation of the sadly extinct Disco Newt. (Unfortunately, it never mastered the art of camouflage, preferring instead to "hide" in tall grass. They could never adapt to predators always finding them.)

Oh my gosh, everybody is on FIRE today! And @mel, not only is that the best Dick and Jane story I have ever read, I nearly gave myself an asthma attack I was laughing so hard when I got to, “I think that is a happy Disco Newt who just got married in Illinois.” Hahahaha! You guys are as brilliant as @Jen and @thoJ!

The second one pretty much proved the theory of evolution and proves that evolution is a horrible, horrible thing, as do the rest of these.

I lived in Texas 25 years and I'm pretty sure the third one is a poo-covered armadillo. When seen, they are usually squished like that, but with the legs in the air. When they are spotted intact, it is usually followed by a crunching sound. Yep, armadillos really do make a crunching sound when they go under your tires.

This was one of the first posts I ever saw on Cake Wrecks and it is still my all-time favorite. Thank you for the reminder. Turdadillo and Armadoodoo are excellent alternate names for the majestic coiled craphound.

@Laura: Thank you for your comment; I’m glad you enjoyed Dick and Jane – they’re quite the kids…though I’m sorry about your near attack! @lisadh: Thanks so much…(that is what happens when you don’t sleep well….)@Degera: Thanks for the laughter…..@krunchifrog: I’m so glad you liked it! Thanks for your support, and big hugs to you! (and hmmm…are you starting your own law firm: Gag, Yak & Hurl?)

#2: well at least it isn't a Denebian slime-devil! But seriously, what in the hell could that thing possibly have been meant to be? Can you imagine the baker looking at that mess and going " yup! nailed it! ".

I was going to say that #3 looks like a 13-banded poo-madillo, but others have already noticed the same resemblance!

#4 is a non-copyright-infringing rendition of the Google Chrome logo, the inclusion of the turtle head represents the baker's opinion of Chrome's performance. The Chrome Turtle was originally part of a series also featuring the Internet Explorer Sea Amemone, Opera Chihuahua, Safari Zebu, and Firefox Cyborg-Wizard-Ninja-Kitsune. Thus, viewed in correct context, this cake is the only one here that actually makes sense.

#5: I can't stop looking at the zebra toad, it's oddly compelling, almost hypnotic....*sudden wall eyed stare* "ALL HAIL ZEBRA TOAD!"....*snaps out of it* ...hunh that was weird. Anyway, on second look, there's a blob of frosting on the back of the head which appears to be a third set of eyes! Or perhaps they're defensive false-eye markings?

I recently ordered the Joe Kubert School's "horror" correspondence course, now I think I'm going to return it. When they ask me why I don't want it, I'll just send them a link to this post; this is much more educational on how to create horrifying creatures!

@Chenaya Thank you for the link! It reactivated middle-school knowledge of what a tardigrade is. (I'm now 28, so remembering something I learned about one time in 7th grade & hadn't thought about since is really something) I'm totally going to go out & try to find some of the little micro-critters!