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Monday, 19 May 2014

Relationships

Our
communications are governed by our relationship with others; such relationship
can be seen as: formal, semi-formal and informal. The language and body
behaviour is formal with strangers, officials etc. where intimacy is zero. This
is semi-formal with acquaintances, elders etc. where status difference
indicates a certain amount of formality and where intimacy is seen in lesser
degree. This is informal with those we are very intimate.

Relationship
expressions
(group into categories)

Think
about these situations:

Should
your language to a stranger reflect respect?

Do
you speak to your lecturer the same way you speak to a friend?

Do
you use the same language to all your friends?

Do
you share the same thoughts with your mother, father, brother, friend?

Do
you share the same thoughts with all your friends?

How
do you dress for a job interview: jeans and shirt tucked in front and open at
the back

or creased pants and shirt well tucked in?

Remember
your responses and read on.

We
can put these people into specific groups:

formal = polite, respectful,
zero intimacy

informal = some intimacy or high
intimacy

semi-formal = almost no intimacy and
so politeness necessary

Relationships and their nature:

Wherever we may live, there’ll be differences in
the way we behave and move with others. That is, we don’t treat everyone on the
same footing, our relations with others differ from person to person.

In other words, the level of intimacy will be from
zero to maximum.

We can look
at relationships in two ways:

1.
Nonpersonal (formal) 2. Personal
(semi-formal and informal)

Nonpersonal relationship

This is formal
in nature, so has zero / no intimacy. We don’t
move with these people closely at
all. So the language and the tone that we use will be formal.

Four types of
people belong to this ‘formal’ category:

·officials : people working in
public/government or private organisations

·superiors
: those whose orders we should obey (in offices)

(This applies to
student-teacher relationship as well.)

·editors
(newspaper/ magazine)

·strangers : people other than
those belonging to the three categories above

Personal relationship

This is nonformal
in nature, so has intimacy (closeness). But we don’t feel close to these people
equally. So the language and the tone we use will be different according to the
various levels of intimacy.

Four types of people belong to this ‘nonformal’
category:

·parents,
brothers, sisters(immediate family)

distant relatives—maternal and paternal

·neighbours,
townfolk, elders in the community, public
figures well known

to society through their services or respective fields of activity

·acquaintances
whom we met somewhere and who remain such

·friends

The
intimacy between us and thepeople listed
above varies because our wishes,

dreams,
thoughts,age,
expectations, hopes and theirs are not the same. Such differences lead to more intimacy with some
and less with some others.

As
a result, personal relationship, is of two
kinds:

1. more intimacy (informal)

2.
less intimacy (semiformal)

more intimacy (informal)

· friends

· relatives—distant or immediate

· neighbours

Our ideas and the ideas of these people are identical or almost identical. Attraction and affection starts and improves between them and us. So we speak freely, we share our inner thoughts
with them. Thus there are almost no
boundaries between them and us.

less intimacy
(semiformal)

· friends

· acquaintances

· relatives—distant or immediate

· neighbours

These people and we don’t see eye to eye on several
issues. Attraction and affection
is that much less. So we don’t speak to each other
freely, we avoid
sharing our inner thoughts with them. Thus, our relationship with them remains defined.

Below
are several dialogues. Read them carefully and say the category to which each
belongs. The categories are: formal, semi - formal, informal. The expressions
(the language) in the dialogues will help you.

1.

A: I wonder if you could make
these trousers a little wider at the ankle. I find

them rather tight.

B:
Well, Sir, it’s the fashion. All my customers are asking for very narrow

trousers.

A: Oh, I see.
I’m afraid I’m rather ignorant of the fashions.

2.

A. Can you come and see us this evening?

B.
I don’t think I can. I have to give a talk. If it’s

important, can I suggest tomorrow evening?

3.
A: Meet me this evening.

B: No.

A: Why?

B: Don’t you
remember? I have a

a talk to give.

A: How about
tomorrow morning, then?

B: Okay.

4.
A: Let’s meet this evening, shall we ?

B: Sorry Raj. I have a talk to give.

A: I see. Shall we meet tomorrow

morning ?

B: Mm, Agreed.

5.
A: If you aren’t too busy, could we meet this evening ?

B: I should
love to, but I have an appointment.

A: Could we
possibly meet tomorrow morning, then?

B: That would
be fine.

6. A: Excuse me. I wonder if you could tell me
how to reach

the post office.

B: I’m so
sorry. I’m also new around here. If I may suggest ...

A: Yes,
please.

B: You might
try the Chemist across the street.

7. A: Excuse me. Which is the way to
the post office?

B: I’m also
a stranger. You can try the Chemist across the street.

A:Thank
you.

8.A: I’d like to meet Mr. Kadir.

B: Oh,
you must be Mr. Raman. I am Kadir, please come in.

I’ve been expecting you.

A: I got
lost coming here.

B: I’m
awfully sorry. I ought to have told you how to get here.

Would you care for a drink?

A: No,
thank you. I must hurry back. Here’s the package I’ve

been asked to deliver.

B: Thank
you so much.

9. A:
How are you, Mrs. Sadhana ?

B: Very well, thank you. I’ve come
about Siddharth.

A: Yes.

B: You see, he’s always complaining of
stomach ache.

10. A: Nasty accident that !

B: Yes.
Subhash’s lost four of his fingers.

A: It’s
going to be tough on him. Don’t you think?

B: It’ll
be, I guess.

11.A: I don’t like going to the
cinema.*1

B: I’m
surprised. All people enjoy films.

A: The
trouble is that most of the films are Westerns *2

which bore me.

*1 the cinema = a place where films are
shown. We use this to mean a film. And we use ‘the

theatre’ as a
synonym for ‘the cinema’. But ‘the theatre’ actually refers to

a place where dramas are
staged/ shown.

*2 westerns are cowboy films.

12. A:
I don’t like going to the cinema.

B: Don’t
tell me! Didn’t you see a film last week?

A: Yes.
But I’m fed up with seeing Westerns.

13.A: Would you care for another
helping ?*

B: No, if
you wouldn’t mind. It was delicious, but I’m trying

not to get fatter.

14.A: Won’t you have another helping
?

B: No,
thank you. I don’t like to get any fatter.

15.A:
Have another helping ? *

B: No. I
won’t get any fatter.

A: Aren’t
you exaggerating ?

16.A: What could be better? ! We are
all eating at the Taj.

B: Really?
That’s great!

A: You know
why we are going? To celebrate your new

appointment.

B: Ah, I
see.

A: Yes,
we’ve all agreed, haven’t we?

C, D,
E: Yes, yes.

A: Do you
know who’s paying the bill?

B: We are
sharing, aren’t we? (silence) Who is the kind person?

A: Who
else? You!

B: Me ? Oh,
no!

More conversation samples

A party where strangers, acquaintances and friends
are together. Depending on who meets
who, the situation may be formal / semi formal informal.

[A]

Suman : Raj, come, I’ll introduce you to Dr. Raghu.

: Dr Raghu, this is Prof. Raj.

Raj : How d’you do ? (extending his hand)

Raghu : How d’you do ? (shaking hands)

(the conversation
continues . . .)

note:
‘How d’ you do?’ is the response to ‘How d’ you do?’ This expression has no
meaning of its

own.

[B]

Suresh : Hello, Shyam!

Shyam : Hello! How come you are here?

I
thought you were ...

Suresh : Supposed to be at Kolkata. Had to cancel it.*

Shyam : Anything wrong with Raji?

(anxiously)

Suresh : No, no. She is of course recovering.

It’s the storm. Didn’t want to
risk.........*

Shyam : Risk? What risk?

Suresh : I meant the mess at Kolkata.

[C]

Mr Guha : Good
evening, Mr. Prabhu!

Mr. Prabhu : Oh
good evening, Mr Guha! What a pleasant surprise!

Mr. Guha : But
I had expected you, here.

* Incomplete sentences (especially without
subject) are common in informal

conversations.

A is formal, B informal and C semiformal.

A
train journey is one where people stay together. Where people talk to each
other without getting introduced, from where they leave without a word said or
without getting introduced

[A]

Passenger A : Excuse me, is the Sports Star the latest ?

Passenger B : Yes.
(extending it)

Passenger A :
Thank you.

Passenger B : Not
at all.

Passenger A :
Thank you. I’m Karthik.*

(returning Works Manager, HCL

the magazine)

Passenger B : I’m
Chandran *, Sales Manager, GCIM.

Passenger A :
Then you must be knowing Mr. Kanthan,

your Works Manager.

Passenger B : I
do. In fact, we’re very close. How do you....

Passenger A : We
were classmates at SIM, Bangalore.

*
We are generally known by our own names (Christian names) not our fathers’

(surnames). But Westerners use their surnames
in formal / official situations (Not

their Christian names) ; they use their
Christian names only when there is a degree of

intimacy or where intimacy exists or is
permitted. When you introduce yourself,

don’t use any title with your name (Mr/ /Dr)
But see below.

[B]

In
a conference (during lunch)

Participant A : Congratulations! You raised a few very
disturbing questions. I’m Mrs Deepika Chandran,

As
a woman, introduce yourself as Mrs if you wish to be addressed so. Otherwise,
use Ms (pronounced as Miz) or simply your name [I’m Chandrika].

[C]

In a debate competition

Karthik : Congrats,
Mr. Sekhar for winning the Cup.

You were faultless.

I’m Karthik, third year student of Mech.
NEC, Thanjavur.

Sekhar : Experience, I guess. Is it your first in
Chennai? (Karthik nods)

Well, for a novice, you spoke extremely well
but poor time management was your

problem.

Karthik : You are
quite right. I had so much to say. Mr Sekhar, you are a. . . . .

Sekhar : Sorry to
interrupt. But no Mr. I’m just Sekhar.

Final year Law, Madras Law college.

Glad to know you, and see you soon. Bye.

Karthik : Glad to
know you, too. Before I leave, will your College participate if my College
invites?

Sekhar : Honestly,
we don’t go to the districts but now that I know

you, I’ll see to it.

Karthik : I’m so
glad. That’ll be another opportunity to listen to

you. Bye, Sekhar.

A
is formal, B is semiformal, C is informal though in all of them the speakers
are strangers to begin with. But in B and C the speakers have something in
common and this makes them avoid being formal though they are meeting for the
first time.

About Me

I hail from Thamizh Nadu, a Southern state of India. I speak Thamizh, Thelugu, English and Hindi.

I served for 43 years as a teacher of English in schools and colleges in India, Ethiopia and Nigeria. I've published several articles on ELT and of general interest in the USA, Ethiopia and India. I've presented several papers in national and international conferences. I've written several course books for the English syllabuses of Bachelor of Engineering of Madras University, Anna University and JNTU, Hyderabad, for public consumption as well.