5 Annoying Comments Your Mom Makes…and What They Really Mean

Sometimes her statements are totally perplexing, biting, or flat-out irritating. So we decided to clear up a few things for you.

Courtesy of Helen Ficalora

By
Sara Bodnar

Feb 18, 2010

There tends to be a communication breakdown between mothers and daughters, says Deborah Tannen, PhD, author of the buzzed-about book You're Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation. So we had Tannen translate common (and confounding) "momspeak."

"Where did you buy that shirt?"

This most likely means: "That top isn't flattering — I wish you'd wear something else." "She's softening a negative point with vague phrasing," explains Tannen. But there's something deeper she probably won't own up to: When she homes in on your looks, your mom is also thinking about herself. "She assumes your appearance is a reflection on her," says Tannen, "so she wants to help you become someone she's happy with." Tell her you know she has great advice, but you have to express your own style.

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"Are you really that hungry?"

Four words: Put down the doughnut. Okay, this one's pretty obvious. "Unless she harps on your diet, this comment slipped out before she could censor it," explains Tannen. Her maternal instincts kicked in, and she's watching out for you. Let her know that while you know she has your well-being in mind, these statements make you uncomfortable.

"It's nothing. I don't want to bother you."

Your mom craves attention…but doesn't want to ask for it. She's used to being the caretaker, so swapping places can be awkward for her, Tannen explains. To strengthen your bond, focus on her now, and follow up later. "This will show her that she can trust you to pick up on all of her hints," says Tannen.

"Marsha's daughter got into grad school."

"Your mom hopes when you hear of your peers' progress, you'll be inspired," observes Tannen. But she's also in a compare-athon. "She likes to brag too," says Tannen. So give her updates. If her friend's daughter got into grad school, mention your recent kudos at work.

"He's fun, but do you ever see him settling down?"

Your mom thinks your bartender boyfriend is nice but not husband material. "This is awkward," says Tannen. "You're both adults." But still, she can't exactly talk to you like a friend and say "Dump him." Also, "your mom is of a different generation," says Tannen. She assumes that you're hoping he's marriage-worthy. Reassure her that you're having a good time but aren't going to elope with him to Vegas.