DD (ANNC): THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by Chapparal Brand Short Starch.....When you're feeling tired in the saddle, maybe you're suffering from saggy shorts ---- time to put some starch in them with Chapparal (SPRAY, WHINNY, TK: MANLY CHUCKLE). ----Dusty and Lefty, on the run from the law, have made their way, as so many fugitives do, to the city of New York, and as we rejoin our heroes, we find them in the men's room of the New York Public Library on Fifth Avenue. (WATER, WASHING OF HANDS, REVERB IN MARBLE-LINED ROOM......DUSTY AND LEFTY AT SINKS, COMBING, ARRANGING THEMSELVES)

GK: Put more water on your hair. It's sticking up in back.

TR: It looks dumb like this. GK: And comb your eyebrows up so they're bushier. And here---- (RUSTLE OF TINY SLIPS OF PAPER) stick these slips of paper in your pocket. There. Maybe a few more of em. And put the pencil up behind your ear. And put your glasses on.

TR: I am not going to wear glasses. Not those glasses. I would rather die than wear black horn-rimmed glasses.

GK: Well, death is always an option, but first, just do what I say. Put em on.

TR: What if someone I know was to see me with those glasses on? They wouldn't believe it.

GK: That is the point exactly. Your best friends wouldn't know you. That's what a disguise is for, Dusty. Put em on.

TR: (GROANS) I can't bear to look.

GK: You look fine. Just like a librarian oughta look. You do. And now take off your glasses and let em hang on the chain.

TR: (MISERY) Me with glasses. On a chain. Next thing you know I'll be wearing bell-bottoms.

GK: We are librarians, Dusty, and glasses on a chain and your pocket full of slips of paper, that's part of the librarian look.

TR: (MOANING) Going around in beige clothes. Wearing Hush Puppies. A corduroy sport coat. Black horn-rimmed glasses. I knew people like this in high school. I was afraid they'd come up to me. And now I'm one of them.

GK: Here. (SHAKES CONTAINER, WITH POWDER)

TR: What are you putting on my hair?

GK: Talcum powder. To look like dandruff.

TR: (MOAN) I can't believe we ever got hired here. Librarians!

GK: I write a heckuva good resume, don't I.

TR: A good what?

GK: Resume.

TR: I thought that was pronounced "resume".

GK: All you need to remember is: University of Michigan School of Library Science. Class of 72. Okay? Remember the fight song?

TR: I'm trying to forget.

GK: We are facilitators, we retrieve data entries We deal in information, not just in books....rah rah rah.

TR: Got it. And my name is Durwood.

GK: Durward, correct.

TR: And you're Leon.

GK: Right. --- Do you think I ought to wear this red knit tie with this green plaid shirt?

GK: Shhhhhh. Good morning, Miss Frittata. (FOOTSTEPS END, SOME RUSTLING, SHIFTING, AS THE BOYS COME AROUND BEHIND THE DESK).

DD: Good morning, Leon ---- Durward. Come, come. Around this way.--- That's right. ----- Patrons are on that side of the desk, librarians are on this side. That's how we tell them apart. (AN ARTIFICIAL LAUGH, AT HER OWN JOKE) You'll be at the reference desk this morning.....part of our User Services Team. All right? Mmmmmmm. I love your chain.

TR: Oh. Thanks.

DD: Any questions you have ---- just ring the bell and I'll be back in a jiffy.

GK: Good. Got it.

(FOOTSTEPS AWAY, PAUSE)

TR: Do I look like someone who, if you had a question, you'd think I knew the answer? Do I?

GK: Some questions maybe I'd think you did.

TR: Like questions about horses and guns and cowboying and justice?

GK: No, you look more like an authority on stamps or antiques.

TR: That's what I was afraid of. Shhhhhh. Here comes one.

JB: You guys librarians?

GK: Right.

JB: Cause I have a question.

GK: Go ahead.

JB: Don't bother to look this up, but ---- I'm wondering what is the HTML to access the online interactive tools to download the government digital orthophotoquads relating to Westchester County.

TR: Well, HTMLs----- funny you should mention it ---- my partner here is one of the top HTML men in the country. Old Leon here.

GK: Thanks a lot. ----You know, I can look up those orthophotopods for you in a moment, but right now our computer is down.

JB: Oh. I see. When will it be back up?

GK: Hard to tell. Check back in a few minutes.

JB: Okay. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)

GK: Learned that one from an airline ticket agent. (PHONE RING. PICKUP) Reference Desk, Leon speaking---- (VOICE AT OTHER END) Just a moment, ma'am, let me turn you over to our childbirth authority. Here.

TR: I'm what?

GK: Answer the lady's question.

TR: Hello? (VOICE AT OTHER END) You what? your water broke? (VOICE) You talking about a dam of some kind? (VOICE) Where??? Your----- (VOICE) Oh my gosh, I had no idea. You better call your doctor, ma'am. Call him right away. Goodbye. (HANG UP)

GK: What was it?

TR: I'm not talking about it.

GK: You didn't know about a woman's water breaking?

TR: I don't care to discuss it.

(FOOTSTEPS)

DD: How's everything going?

TR: Just fine, Miss Omelet.

DD: Frittata.

TR: Sorry, Miss Frittata.

DD: Call me Francine.

GK: Everything's fine, Francine.

DD: We still haven't gotten a response from that personal reference you gave us at the University of Michigan Library School. Your old teacher, Rita Book?

GK: Oh? Well, maybe you got the HTML wrong.

TR: Yes. Sometimes the ARB cancels out the HTML on those type of messages and it comes back MT.

DD: I'll try again. Thanks. (FOOTSTEPS)

TR: What do we do if she can't find our records in Michigan and she gets suspicious?

GK: Librarians, Dusty, possess a vast store of politeness. These are people who get asked regularly the dumbest questions on God's green earth. These people tolerate every kind of crank and eccentric and mouth-breather there is. I think we got three or four weeks before we even need to think about it.

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).