Soon-to-be mom fears visitor horde

November 20, 2005|By CHRIS COX Tribune Columnist

Dear Chris, I am nine months' pregnant with my first child. I am worried about having too many visitors and visitors who stay too long at the hospital after the baby comes. I don't know how I will feel, and I don't know if I even want people there besides my husband and my family. I have had multiple people ask me to put them on my "call list" and who want to rush right down to the hospital. I know there will be hurt feelings if I leave these people out of the loop. I know I have the option of not telling them until later, but I also don't want to hurt their feelings. I don't think I even want a lot of people coming to our house after we're home from the hospital. I imagine that I will be very tired and will not feel like cleaning my house for guests, not to mention making myself look presentable. My husband and I both have a hard time telling people "no." How can we tactfully handle these situations? Labor Pains, NilesDear Pains, You've been lugging that baby around for nine months and have a whole lot of hard work coming up (they don't call it labor for nothing), so you need to let other people carry this burden -- namely nurses and your husband. Labor and delivery nurses have no problem stepping in to keep visitors out or visits short, says Paula Posar, an obstetric nurse of 29 years who works for Memorial Hospital, South Bend. "I'll be the fall guy," she says on behalf of those in her profession. "The nurse has no problem being the intermediary." So be sure you communicate your wishes to the nurses. Posar also has suggestions to avoid hurt feelings. You or your husband might call the people on your list before and after the birth to keep them updated on how things are going. "Then they feel like they're part of it without being there," Posar says. Also, don't forget people tend to be understanding in this situation. To be proactive, you might tell them you want the birth and period immediately afterward to be private, something between you and your husband, Posar suggests. Ask them to call before visiting, either in the hospital or at home, instead of dropping by unexpectedly. Another thing: If you're keeping people out, keep them all out. Don't play favorites. "If you start making exceptions, that's where you have problems," Posar says. This leads us to your husband. It's time for him to step up to the role of protective father and husband, which may kick in instinctively. Tell him you're relying on him to help you get through this as easily as possible. Let him be the one to answer the hospital phone and politely tell callers whether it's a good time for a visit. If you're feeling up for a visit, he might tell visitors they can stay for 15 minutes or a different length of time. Here's one more thing to keep in mind: You might surprise yourself and discover you want people with you through a lot of your hospital time, which can be lonely. Plus, you and your husband could find yourselves rarin' to show off your newborn to everyone in your lives. Send "Ask Chris" questions to ccox@sbtinfo.com, or Chris Cox, Features, The South Bend Tribune, 225 W. Colfax Ave., South Bend, IN 46626.