Invisible grief: dealing with death as an expat

By Carol Mackenzie

'So many expatriates are young, healthy and successful, and live far from their families and loved ones. They exist in a world that seems so far from death. In over 10 years as an expat, there have been funerals of fellow expats wherever I have lived.

Along with many others, I have travelled home to attend funerals then returned to a world in which there seemed to be no evidence of the death I was mourning myself. My losses were invisible and unacknowledged. In a way, expatriates are sheltered from death and this makes it even more difficult for some to accept it when it bursts unexpectedly into their lives - or at least to recognise its force when it affects someone else in their community.

Yet, it is a real threat to every one of us. Do you find yourself wondering if your elderly or sick parents will still be around for your next annual visit home? Even without an anticipated death, don't all expatriates dread that phone call, too early or late to be casual news? From the second they pick up the receiver, the distance between them and home hits like a brutal blow, as they hear the news of death. They have a lot of decisions to make, and with little time to waste.

Attending the funeral of a loved one may help expatriates accept the reality of the death. Face to face with a coffin, the truth begins to seep in, that the person they love is gone. Witnessing the tributes and respect of the local community, and sharing the loss with other family members and friends, can bring comfort to the newly bereaved expatriate.

For expatriates unable to attend the funeral of a loved one, the reality of death may be much more difficult to grasp. Without the opportunity of saying goodbye to the deceased, they may carry on imagining them at home, just as they've always been.

Part of the immense difficulty bereaved expatriates encounter is that their loss is invisible to everyone else in the community. Most - often nobody - outside their immediate family even knew the person who died. In an essentially young community where many may have no personal experience of death, bereaved expatriates can become isolated with a loss that threatens to shatter their foundations, yet seems irrelevant to everyone else.

Without an honest and open look at bereavement and grief in expatriate communities, expats will continue to grieve alone. It has to be that way. A simple heartfelt "sorry" can mean so much at a time where nothing feels safe or certain. It is, in any case, infinitely better than nothing.