Penn Satire, Since 1899

The Greatest, Most Comprehensive News Story About Joe Biden As Commencement Speaker Ever

Are you ready for the most amazing foray into the realm of journalism that the world has ever known? Good. Because this is an article about Joe Biden: Vice President, US Senator, and now…commencement speaker. Alright, ready? Here it is…

Joe Biden is the Vice President. He is speaking at commencement. This is the news.

Here are some quotes from excited Penn students. There will be statistics in between the quotes to make the readers less confused.

“I like Joe Biden because I like politics,” said Nabil Gelfarb, Vice President of the Penn Blackjack Dealers Club. Nabil Gelfarb was quoted in this article because he is the Vice President of a club and he likes politics. Just like Joe Biden.

75% of Nabil’s roommates know that Joe Biden is the Vice President of the United States. 100% of Nabil’s roommates enjoy playing blackjack. Blackjack is more popular among Penn students than Joe Biden.

“I’m a senior at Penn so I will be at graduation,” said a senior at Penn, who was quoted because he is a senior at Penn who will be at graduation.

0% of the graduating senior class is Joe Biden.

“I think this new farmer’s market will be an amazing addition to Penn’s growing landscape of healthier eating options,” said a student in another article.

25% is too large of a tip to leave a deliveryman. Statistics.

“My name is Chet Biden. His name is Joe Biden. This excites me,” said Chet Biden. There is a quote from Chet Biden in this article because his last name is Biden. Maybe Chet Biden is related to Joe Biden.*

* An earlier version of this article quoted a student named Chet Biden and claimed that he may be related to Joe Biden. He is not.