10 Reasons the Cheap Theater Rocks

By Seth Kabala

1. You can see many of the big blockbusters weeks, perhaps even months, after they hit first-run theaters, solidifying your status as fashionably late and appreciative of the finer, aged things in life–such as yourself.

2. It’s easier to sneak in contraband snacks. If you think staff at first-run theaters are apathetic toward movie goers, you’ve never taken a hard look at second-run staff. They look like they’ve given the zombie lifestyle serious consideration and have elected to write undead behavioral norms into all public relations activities.

No, Bill’s not lazy, hasn’t acquired a strain of the Bubonic Plague that failed to be eradicated. He’s just practicing his zombie shuffle, as company policy dictates.

3. You can take the whole family without having to meet beforehand with your financial advisor to ensure this purchase of tickets won’t materially affect your ability to retire.

Typical visit to see your financial advisor:

Seth, I’ve got to say–I’m concerned. *starts adding* This trip out to see the latest Marvel release on opening night? *keeps adding* Complete with a sensible dinner out beforehand *still adding* as well as purchasing snacks for each member of your family during the film? Well, I’ve done the calculations, and it’s not pretty. Prior to this night-out, I had you pegged to retire at the reasonable age of 62–well ahead of most of your peers. Now, though *shakes head*, we’re looking at 792, as in Biblical length of life. Better get on the line to your Biblical namesake and ask him how them multi-centenarians did it.

4. It’s dark as shit. I mean coal mine dark, dumps after eating a 64oz steak and three pints of stout dark, hearts of the Westboro Baptist Church dark. If you’re looking for a place to keep the kids entertained whilst you take a nap, this be the place.

5. You can sit wherever you want, even if you get there 30 seconds ahead of the feature. No one goes to these theaters. They’re like the wealthy magazine writer from so many movies–completely unrealistic and defying all sense of business logic, yet there it is.

6. The bathrooms are super clean. Despite their affinity for brains, zombies are sticklers for hygiene.

7. You get one (maybe two) choices of fliks, eliminating the need to build in selection time pre-show. This is important, as you want to avoid giving zombies more than a moment to analyze your cranium.

8. Local business ads often contain hilarious misspellings, e.g., make sure you check out the chiropractic services from a certain business on STARTK STREET, as opposed to “Stark.” The business owner probably wants to avoid crossing the creator of Game of Thrones, his legal staff, as well as the Stark family itself. Although it’s written as fiction, you never know when a White Walker is going to come out of the mist and totally ruin your plan to lower your stress level in 2018. Best not to take any chances, especially when it comes to entertainment. Spellcheck be damned!

9. The slope from the front of the theater to the exit is like the drop-in to the half-pipe on the vert event at the X Games–always impressive when someone navigates it with ease, but you know if you wait long enough, someone’s going to eat it. We’re all fans of schadenfreude here, right?

10. I know odds are these movies will make the streaming services in a few weeks, but our kids love getting out of the house. Love to go to shows with us–movies, live performances, etc. As long as it means my kids want to spend their free time with me, I’ll brave all the zombies the second-run can slowly (so slowly) throw at me.