Welcome to X-Men: Bland Design, the weekly multi-part recap column that answers the question: “What if Ed Piskor had no art skills, a juvenile sense of humor, and less classic material to work with?”

This week there are five regular-priced X-Books on the stands, which will run you a total of 20 bucks to buy and, thanks to modern comic book decompression techniques, probably take about 10 minutes to read in total (if you read slowly). If that seems like a waste of time and money though, you can keep your money by reading our recaps for free. We make no promises about the use of your time, however, which will still be poorly spent.

This week, the X-books are: Generation X #87, X-Men Gold #22, Astonishing X-Men #8, Deadpool vs. Old Man Logan #5, and… *shudders*… Venom #162, which we have to read because it’s crossing over with X-Men Blue for the Poison X crossover. Time now for Deadpool vs. Old Man Logan…

This is the final issue of a five-issue mini-series. In the previous issues, Logan and Deadpool reluctantly team up to save a young mutant named Maddie from a company called Genform that intends to use her powers as a weapon. However, Maddie doesn’t want to be saved. All three are captured by Genform and break free, but Logan learns that Maddie can’t control her powers, and only Genform can help her. Too late though, as Maddie has used her powers (which give her the ability to teleport any non-living object) to teleport the entire Genform headquarters away, leaving them free but in a giant hole in the ground.

The issue opens up with Logan and Deadpool arguing about whether or not Maddie can use her powers to teleport people, such as themselves, from safety before the giant facility she just teleported up into the air falls down on top of them. Nobody questions how she managed to teleport the other people who were in the facility, but not Deadpool and Logan. Logan tells Maddie to teleport them away before she dies, so Maddie does… but leaves Deadpool behind to be crushed.

Later, Deadpool crawls from the rubble. He’s mad, but he’s madder about the fact that Logan won’t tell him what’s happened to Maddie. They fight. Logan says he did what he had to do to help Maddie. He accuses Deadpool of abandoning his own kid. Ooh. Low blow. Deadpool stabs him in the neck.

Logan explains that Maddie led them to Genform and watched them kill everyone. He says she’s a killing machine like them, and she doesn’t want to be saved. Time for an X-pository flashback to just after Maddie teleported Logan and her to safety. Logan is surprised she left Deadpool behind. Logan says he’s taking Maddie back to the Xavier Institute. Maddie refuses. She says that Logan was right (obviously) and she can teleport people, but there’s a side effect. Logan collapses.

We now get a flashback to Maddie’s childhood, showing her fighting with other kids and being accused of stealing, and showing her father not being around. We then see her powers manifest, as she wishes for her dad to be home, and he teleports there. However, Maddie reveals that when she teleports other people, they die. Apparently, it was actually the nicer choice to leave Deadpool under the rubble, as Maddie’s teleporting is more painful. Maddie is pissed that Logan wanted to hand her over to Genform. In one more flashback, we see Maddie’s father die after being teleported. That must have been traumatic. Maddie tells Logan not to come after her again or he’ll regret it. Then, he dies…

But he’s Wolverine, so he heals. With all of that said and done, Logan and Deadpool both agree that they let their own experiences cloud their judgement. Logan thinks he should have killed Maddie when he had the chance. Deadpool just wants Logan to be his friend. He asks for a fist bump. He gets one… kind of.

Flash ahead two months, and Maddie meets up with Genform agent Hart in a barn in Idaho. Hart has a proposition for Maddie: instead of Genform using her as a weapon for evil, they can be partners and be evil together. She decides to kill him instead. And that’s the end!

This comic was dumb, but it was dumb fun. It was also violent fun, as befits a Deadpool and Logan team-up book. Will we ever see Maddie again? You never know when a new character will pop up in one of the various X-related movie and TV properties, so hold onto these issues to sell on eBay when they’re hot in the future.

Former siterunner of TheOuthousers.com during its golden age, Jude Terror now delivers his modern take on entertainment journalism EXCLUSIVELY to the readers of Bleeding Cool, whether they like it or not.