Thursday, April 12, 2007

I once again submitted comments to Chunklet for their upcoming book, The Bible of Rock, for the chance at zero's of dollars and an eency-weency bit of fame:

"I can't believe this, but the Bible of Rock book is in the final weeks of completion. I'd feel criminally remiss if I didn't make another attempt to reach out to many of you smug yucksters to see if you have any last minute additions or what have you.

As it stands, the book is divided into seven sections (because like the world, God created rock in seven days) along with the cardinal rules of rock and entire sections of biblical rock hoo-hah. If I must say so, it's pretty darned funny. The seven sections include: Band, Bass/Guitar, Drums, Keyboards, Vocals, Crew and Fans. We're open to any recommendations you might have."

Here's my text:

Fans:

Some bands you love simply suck live, and you must accept this. Unlike musical taste, this is not subjective. If the words "sullen", "wooden" and "ennui" pop up in show reviews often enough, just stay home and listen to your Pavement CD's over and over again.

Unfortunately, the reverse is not true. If a band's recorded output makes you want to puke, it's not like you're going to go see them because some guy says, "They shred live". Besides, I refuse to give Craig Finn money he can use to record his horrible, horrible songs.

Bands:

If you don't actually like performing live, why are you doing it? Like a bad whore, you take our money and just go through the motions.

Producers:

I don't know why, but every song can be improved with the use of rhythmic hand-claps or finger-snaps.