Pula had given us a beating. It was hot, we got lost, we took the wrong bus to a depressing shopping centre in the boondocks. So to reward ourselves, J-man and I did what any other couple in their 20s would do. Yep, we gots ourselves tickets to a dog show.

I think a dog show in the carpark is exactly what the Romans had in mind when they built the amphitheatre here. Gladiators, triumph, bloodshed, courage and prancing poodles.

Over cold beers and plate full of suspicious-looking sausages, I appointed myself Queen Lady Judge of the People of the Pula Pedigree Dog Show (QLJOTPOTPPDS, for short).

Below is the list of the blue ribbon winners in the most coveted categories:

Blokes with top bitches:

First prize goes to these dudes for their obvious dedication. They spent so long making sure their dogs matched, they forget to pay attention to the fact that fanny packs went out of fashion about two decades ago.

Special mention goes to these guys and their pedigree bitches.

Dog and breeder with the best sense of humour:

With a dog that big, she would know.

Dog and breeder with the greatest likeness:

Jesus did it, so why can’t she create something in her own image?

Breeder who covets his dogs the most:

Once these little puppies are past their dog show prime, their manes should come in very handy.

Best in show:

This couple didn’t have their dog on show, but I would have loved to have put a leash on them and trot around the showground. I imagine her name is Ivanika and his is Gerhardt. They don’t have a surname, just a mansion by the seaside, a giant yacht, a tanning bed, a golden retriever, a mirrors on their bedroom ceiling and a neverending bottle of Botox. They truly were a vision – a prime example of high class breeding.