Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Slab's First Fist all in one EZ to read post

It started like any other fine morn, except for one thing.Little 10 year old Slab's fist was throbbing and aching like it was on fire.

"Hey Ern'!" he yelled to his elder brother on the upper bunk.

"Yeah Slab'?""Dude you woke me up with all your throbbing down there. What's goin' on?""I dunno Ern, my fist is aching and pounding! That's never happened before!""Wow! Hey Slab! That's your first burning fist! That means you've reached pooberty!""It hurts Ern'! Make it stop!"Ernie: "It's not gonna stop on its own Slab. There's only one cure for a throbbing fist!"Slab: "Ow! lick lick lick, Ow, Ow! Help me, Ern! Help me!"Ernie leaps off the bunk."Slab! I know exactly what you need!""Yeah, suck it up Slab! Be proud of your aching fist! There's a purpose for it! It's all part of God's plan!""What you need kid, is a nice fat soft sissy to sink that thing into!"
Slab: "Where do we get one of those Ern'?""I know where there's one!""C'mon kid! We'll take the sting outta your thing!"Ernie: "YES!"
Slab: "What's that, Ern?"

"That's a nerd, Slab! A real fat one! See its freckles? Check out his Char Wars collectibles! What a fruitcake!"

Slab: "Hey I've never seen one of those before! He's funny! What's he for?"

Ernie: "Whatcha doin' there fat boy?"Bobby: "I'm stirring up crap on the blogosphere! I'm arguing toons with other toon fans! I even get to threaten them with physical harm 'n' stuff!"
Ernie:"It's easy to be tough inside your room with Mommy home isn't it, Bobby Bigloaf!"
Bobby: "You bet! Hey...what's that thing on the end of Slab's arm?"

Ernie: "It's Slab's new fist! He reached Pooberty today!"Bobby Bigloaf: "I wanna see!"Ernie: "C'mon out Bobby Bigloaf. Don't be afraid! We're your friends!"Slab's young fist throbs like a little hot MF.FAAAAAA!SHEEEWOOOM!Ernie: "Cool, huh, Bobby Bigloaf?"VOM!SQUEEEENCH! Ernie: "Well, whaddaya think of Pooberty, Bobby?"Bobby runs to get some. "Bobby Bigloaf: "Want, want!!"Bobby: "WOW! I never seen pooberty before! Does it hurt?"Slab: "OWWW! It really does, Bobby!"Slab: "Say, Ern, whaddoo I do with this thing? It's really burning!"Ernie whispers a secret in Slab's unspoiled ear.Bobby: "Gee whiz, that's keen! I wish I had a burning pooberty!"Slab is willing to share.Slab: "You want some of this poison, Bobby Bigloaf?"Slab: "Take that ya Fattypants!" Bobby wheezes up lung chunks as the gift of fist sinks unresistingly into soft flab.Bobby realizes quickly: "Hey! Waitaminute! I don't think you are my friends! I think you're BULLIES!"
Ernie: "You're pretty swift, Bobby Bigloaf! Didja get that big fat brain on the blogosphere??" Slab wonders at his first beat down. Then nature takes over and it feels so right.A slow motion fist advances towards a soft mass of nerve endings, gums and flimsy braces...

Slab's screaming fist destroys 3 years of expensive orthodontry in less than a millisecond (slowed down by the magic of our slo mo camera).Ernie's Blood lust is not easily sated. He eggs Slab on. "HIT 'IM 'SLAB! HIT 'IM!"
Slab winds up for a fierceskull-smashing upper cut!The whole lawn realizes the gravity of the situation! What began as an entertaining respite from the humdrum routine of lower-life has turned into an unbearable episode of merciless slaughter.Mr. Worms cries:"It's too ugly! Someone's got to do something!" Mr. Daisy clutches his terrified wife.He makes the ultimate sacrifice and tears himself out by the roots!He frantically dashes into the house, knowing that he only has minutes of precious life left to act on Bobby's behalf.Scrolling like mad, Mr. Daisy seeks out the one 'toon that might ward off Slab's ferocious attack.

Mr. Daisy furiously scrolls for just the right 'toon hero on the message boards.

Bobby's favorite Toon wrenches himself out of the message board.He spins and is ready for action.

Out spews his famous hat.Donald goes into his anticipation.....and explodes offscreen!Outside the carnage continues unabated.Donald Bastard approaches the slaughter in strike position.Who is this interloper, wonders Slab "n" Ernie?Bobby Bigloaf has been pummeled and bruised to near unconsciousness.
Ernie is outraged. He tells Slab to continue the onslaught, as he takes a step towards the Cartoon celebrity: "Finish the job, Slab! I'll take care of this feathered faggot!"

(I don't condone Ernie's use of hate-words and neither will our knight in shining keratin)

Ernie prepares to give the interloper a beating.DB is a trained mixed martial artist and quickly dispatches his victim with a punishing kick to the knee. The joint disintegrates.
Ernie seizes his shattered knee in agony as DB looks for his next prey.Slab leaps off Bobby: "Hey! You can't do that to Ernie!"He kisses his bully fist for luck.Ernie eggs him on: "Preserve the honor of the Liquor family, Slab!"

Slab is eager; he knows he has a real fight on his hands: "This is gonna be good."Donald's steely eyes zero in on his target. They touch gloves.The clash of the titans is on! Violence returns to the cartoons! Will pooberty or training win??
(that last image is inspired by Kirby, the greatest fight artist ever)

Both combatants simultaneously deliver a punishing blow.Slab is bruised but not out.

DB fires a kick to the head with furious webbed force.

Slab's hurt! He has a mouth full of crushed jawbone and teeth fragments!

This would finish any regular bully, but it just makes Slab mad!Oh! A perfect driving elbow to the solar plexus from the ring bastard!

Followed by a flying knee! This could be it, folks! Nobody should have to take this kind of punishment!Donald is jumping up and down! He's taunting his opponent! Oh the humiliation!"Slab looks to his corner! "WhattadoIdo now 'Ern??!"Ernie advises: "Do that move we learned in Sunday School!"

Slab leaps into a bill-crunching Superman punch! "What a fight! What a fight!"Donald is knocked to the matt. He's on his back! "Ground and pound 'im like Father McGinty showed ya, Slab!" shouts Ernie! "Pretend he's one o' those ATHEIST duck bastards!"Slab dives on the dazed mallard.

As the Gracies know, 90% of all fights go to the ground, and that's exactly what happens with kids and fowl.

Slab leaps on Donald. The bastard attempts guard position.

It's a clumsy guard and he quickly recloses it with perfect technique.

Slab postures up.

Slab is ready for some old fashioned all-American ground and pound.He swings his swollen pooberty fist frantically, but the blows are merely glancing thanks to Donald's defensive ground game.

Honestly, I don't know what's harder - practicing BJJ, or drawing it.

This just about killed me...Sorry it's pretty scribbly

Because of the unique shapelessness of Slab's head, he is able to escape what would otherwise be a suffocating, artery closing pincer-like neck lock for anyone else.Slab won't make this mistake again!...

Slab's out of trouble, but his pooberty fist is starting to ache worse than ever!

The throbbing intensifies.Bigger and bigger! Now it's turning blue! Oh, the pangs of budding youth!And now here comes the other fist!Now they're both throbbing! Back and forth! Back and forth!

He turns to his corner for help: "I can't stand the pain, Ern!"Ernie: "Shut up! Look out! He's getting up!"Donald looks determined. It's an ugly look. The glare of eyes tasting their helpless prey hungrily.Slab: "WhattooIdo Ern'? WHATTA I DOOOOO?""OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!!! Help me Ern!"Ernie: "Now you got 2 Pooberty fists, Slab! Use 'em or lose 'em!"Slab accepts the intense burning in his changing organs of violence and takes a step to meet his opponent. I couldn't guess the outcome of this fight! Will it be skill or hormones that win the day?!Slab releases a whistling screaming fist directly at the maw of his opponent! But the trained bill opens at the last instant!It clasps down on the Fist of Fire!Donald tears the fist apart in his powerful bill! Digits sever! Knuckles separate!Bobby is up now, rooting on his Toon champion!

As the nutrients of Slab's pooberty hormones surge through the bastards's veins, he swells with burning power!CRUNCH! He's taken the other fist! Oh my God, it's a slaughter folks! He's squeezing every ounce of juice out of the raging fist as if it's a morning orange!With sheer disdain, he spits out the indigestible joints. Slab is crippled! Can this fight go on??

DB has ingested Slab's pooberty fists and the results are obvious!His whole body is swelling with the raging hormones of youth. He is adding strength to his already impressive MMA skills!He throws a punishing blow to Slab, knocking his head clear off! This could be bad for the younger opponent!Slab's in trouble! Donald has achieved full mount position!Oh My God! He's punishing the kid! It's a merciless onslaught of flying feathered fists! Slab's not intelligently defending himself! This is just sheer senseless violence! This is not what this sport is about!Say, who's that climbing over the fence??!Why, it's BIG JOHN - the world's greatest MMA ref!No one sees more or reacts quicker than John. He lunges at the foes and separates them.It's over, it's over! Big John has stopped the fight!Slab is outraged! The fans are booing! This could be a controversial stoppage!

It takes Donald a second to realize the fight is over and then he bursts into his victory ritual!He does his famous "put him out of his misery" mock shotgun bit! Pure humiliation!He races around the yard in triumph and hops up onto the fence! The crowd goes wild!The whole neighborhood eats it up! Who doesn't love this hall of fame champion?Donald does a backflip off the fence!A perfect landing! What an athlete! What an athlete!He gives the camera a thumbs up and his local gang signal!Big John holds the hands of his anxious opponents. This is the only place you can do that in this great nation of ours, folks.And now we wait for the official judge's verdict. That is one sad looking headless boy there.

" and the winner... by stoppage is..DONALD, THE RAPTOR....BASTARD!!"

Bobby Bigloaf is up and cheering his cartoon hero. He rushes to congratulate him.

The vanquished Slab and his ruined pooberty fists skulk away in shame.

Bobby gives a Donald a well-practiced, furry-worthy-man-hug as Big John looks down with pride at the scene of youthful joy. There's nothing like a good dose of violence to warm the heart of any decent red-blooded boy!"Gee Mr. Cartoon Bastard," squeals Bobby, "you sure showed those bullies!"Then the poor little future cartoon-scribe laments his own natural wimpiness. "Gosh, I was wish I could kick some bully butt like you, but I'm just a little old defenseless fatty."Big John has the answer: "Bobby, you don't have to work out for 10 years to get a black belt in self-defense! We need you eating potato chips and writing superhero comic books!What you do need is this fancy-ass official Donald Bastard T shirt! No one's gonna mess with you in a manly shirt like this!

Bobby quickly tears the sweat-stained white shirt off of his smooth shiny chest...

Big John drops a brand new DB shirt on Bobby.

It fits like a second skin! Bobby has bully armor!Always the gentleman, Big John offers the lad his glasses that got knocked off during the healthy young scuffle.He gives the little fatty a pat on his brush cut. Bobby's proud chest swells with bacon fat. Donald assumes his fight poses for the photographers."You will never again have to take any crap from bullies when you wear your official Donald Bastard shirt!" promises McCarthy."...And all you bloggers out there who afraid to go outside in bright daylight! Now you can! Just buy your own Donald Bastard shirt and you too can be a badass!""What do we say, guys?"

"No more more crap!"

The heroic flower that selflessly tore his roots from the life-giving dirt and gave us this wonderful story twist gasps valiantly, "My job is done here"As he drops to join the eternity of forgotten heroes, his young wife promptly loses her mind. "Who will raise my child?" she screams in anguish. Mr. Annelid comforts her but keeps his reproductive band at a decent distance (for now).Help the young widow raise her unborn child in a decent lawn and never take any crap from teachers, bullies, forest rangers or any other scary figures of authority again!

33 comments:

It's always a treat seeing how you draft up stories and ideas. This post is such a monster though, I wonder if Blogspot has a way for placing a majority of the content "after the jump" similar to Gawker and AOL blogs. No biggie either way. Well I mean it's a (welcomed) huge post, but... anyway, the "it's not what you think" premise with the hand calls for further reading from the start. Makes for a gripping tale with just the right amount of foreplay.

Holy 'Kick-Ass!' Dem der's some good funnies.I once punched a punk in the mouth for throwing a slurpie across my windshield. He was wearing braces and it nailed his upper-lip to his grill. I know, it sounds kinda mean, but damn, that shit is funny, in hindsight.

Fpop! What a show! Manly yet educational like an elementary school film strip about where "those hairs" come from. My Dad also used to call it pooberty. I thought it made it sound kinda dirty. And he liked to drink Huber Beer cause it was cheap. But he pronounced it Hoober. Memories... JohnK you really bring that laff bacon.

This should be on the tube -- or whatever they call it now. Excellent stuff. Brings to mind the impact "Ren & Stimpy" had on my life when it first rolled out.

I was working on storyboards for the second season of "Mother Goose & Grimm." Then Mike Peters got a peep at "Ren & Stimpy." He grabbed me by the lapels with a wide-eyed look and said, "HAVE YOU SEEN 'REN & STIMPY'...? THIS IS WHAT A REAL CARTOON LOOKS LIKE! WE HAVE TO CHANGE EVERYTHING BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE!" We did.