REVIEW: Lunchables Maxed Out Pepperoni Pizza

The Lunchables people are here to kick you in the balls and there’s nothing you can do about it. That’s right, they are the latest brand to join in on the craze of “extremification” in the world of product marketing. Lunchables are now “Maxed Out” and presumably ready to proverbially rock out with their cocks out.

I was curious to see if this new product had anything to do with the recent film Maxxxed Out, a fine film starring Jenna Haze, Sunny Lane, and other girls whose names sound like weather descriptions. However, it appears as though Lunchables is not yet extreme enough for hardcore porn.

I was intrigued by this new spin-off because I actually like the original Lunchables. Sure, the meat is slimy and the cheese resembles candle wax, but it is a consistent and comfortable reminder of my salad days as a fledgling youth. Plus, it tastes just like a turkey sandwich, but with 0% of the dignity.

The changes with the Maxed Out variety seem to be minimal. You get more food, but the quality is generally the same and the origin of the meat is just as ambiguous. I got the Deep Dish Pepperoni one, which is actually neither deep or made with pepperoni. It boasts “pepperoni flavored sausage,” which struck me as odd because real pepperoni is about as cheap as sausage gets. There is about half a centimeter for you to fill your crust with, so it’s not very deep unless you’re some type of amoeba.

It came with two crusts and enough sauce, cheese, and pepperoni flavored sausage to make decent sized mini-pizzas, so I can’t really complain about the quantity. It’s just too bad that the sauce tastes like strawberry marmalade and that the faux pepperoni tastes like nothing. I finished one and imagine that a child might be able to enjoy it, but it wasn’t a very pleasant experience.

To wash it down, you get a mini bottle of water. A bottle of water with my Lunchables? Lame. Even though they include a Kool-Aid pouch to turn it into a soft drink, it doesn’t change the fact that a perfectly healthy bottle of spring water was included with my junk food. Plus, it gives choosy moms a chance to rummage through the box and steal the precious packet of sugar and food coloring. The old school Lunchables had a badass pouch of Capri Sun with a graphic of a guy skating on the beach on it. Nothing got me more pumped up for tripping over soccer balls during recess.

A cherry-flavored Airhead is included for dessert. Airheads always confused me because they aren’t aerated and aren’t shaped like balloons. Maybe they are just made for stupid children, hence their blunt and inauspicious name. If this is true, then they are really rubbing it in.

All in all, Lunchables Maxed Out is a disappointing romp through our collective childhood memories. This saddens me, because it had so much going for it: my love of pizza, the promise of free video game rentals, and the logo, which looks like something that Wolverine from X-Men would have carved into someone’s chest. Alas, even the most extreme of superheroes couldn’t salvage this mediocre meal.

Item: Lunchables Maxed Out Pepperoni PizzaPrice: $2.99Purchased at: AlbertsonsRating: 4 out of 10Pros: Comes with ingredients to make two decent sized pizzas, big enough to fill a kid’s stomach. Fun to put together for children who may otherwise not receive enough arts and crafts in school. Wolverine fucking people up.Cons: Sauce is way too sweet and fake pepperoni doesn’t taste very good. Loosest use of the term “deep dish” ever. Comes with bottled water instead of the awesome pouches of Capri Sun. Generic new name doesn’t really make any changes to the original brand. Does not tie in with Maxxxed Out.

16 thoughts to “REVIEW: Lunchables Maxed Out Pepperoni Pizza”

I like how this package has “The SENSIBLE Solution” emblazoned upon it, in an attempt to convince mothers (or to comfort mothers too busy to actually make sandwiches) that yes, this product is in fact a healthy choice for your kid’s lunch. I imagine that’s where the spring water idea came from.

I can’t believe the crap they sell in the US to feed children (or adults reliving their childhood).
There is no way in hell I would feed that “food” to my son unless it actually was the last meal on Earth.
We have something in New Zealand called “Lunchable” Pack or something like that but it actually contains real food such as real crackers and real cheese and real sultanas. Thats as close as my son gets to a “ready meal” for lunch.

Domokun – I didn’t use the rental coupon, I am actually to lazy to turn on the television and console nowadays. I basically just snuggle up with my DS at night.

Karen – Taste sensation is one way to put it. It’s kind of like when Gordon Ramsay found a chef that served banana-stuffed chicken on Kitchen Nightmares.

Red Icculus – They really need to include some Maxed Out Laxatives with the box.

sir jorge – That’s what they want you to think!

Shannon – I used to be like you, but I have learned to swallow my pride for this website.

JOSH!!! – Yes. Yes it is.

Eryn – I think it’s great how you noticed the nuances of the crust’s pensive, sullen look as it backs off from the plastic film.

Rose – Really, someone should have told them that variety is the spice of life.

JoF – I always thought that New Zealand was some fantasy land made up by Flight of the Concords and the people who filmed Lord of the Rings. Sounds like another country that has us beat on food quality.