Stay Close During Holiday Chaos

You should feel festive, so why the urge to drop-kick your man across the room? Cope this way.

Ah, the holidays. Christmas lights. Eggnog. Baked ham. Presents. Fighting like cats and dogs with your guy. Yep, 'tis the season to put a strain on couples everywhere. "Your life pace, obligations, and social and family commitments all go into overdrive around this time of year," explains Christine Murray, PhD, assistant professor of family counseling at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. "And unfortunately, that added activity — even if it's all fun and festive — can create a lot of tension, frustration, and exhaustion that often hits your relationship hardest." To ensure you're not tempted to bitch-slap him under the mistletoe, we've compiled a hit list of strategies to keep the love alive throughout this wild party season and all year long.

You spend a jam-packed weekend together going from one party to the next, but come Sunday night, you feel like you haven't seen your guy at all. "That's because when you share your space with other people, you pay less attention to each other and it can be a real challenge to feel connected," says Murray. "Being in the same room isn't enough to create that intimacy you need to stay close."

Little check-ins over the course of the night can make all the difference, according to Murray. So before you enter the party, schedule a couple of moments when you will meet up throughout the evening — say, at 8:30, 9:15, and then 10 o'clock — even if it's just to say "Hey, hot stuff" or share a quick story about your night so far. It will keep you both feeling linked and attuned to each other, despite the crowds.

"Also, sometimes just touching each other — not sexually but lovingly — while you're socializing with other people can be enough to make a connection," says Murray. "Subtle and frequent love signals often have more power than the grandest gestures because they create a feedback loop of affection that tides you over when you don't have as much time for each other."

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You're wiped out and tapping your pointy-toed heel at the door while your guy (oblivious to your death stare and flared nostrils) has just launched into his 20-minute snowboarding story in front of a group of fellow party guests. Goodwill toward men — especially yours — is the last thing on your mind right now.

Avoid exasperating moments like this by developing a game plan before you even step foot into a shindig. "It's unrealistic to map out a play-by-play of the whole season, but if you manage it one bash at a time, you'll save yourselves a lot of angst," says Murray.

On your way to each event, hash out the details. How long will you stay? Who's the designated driver? What's your secret "let's hit the road" signal in case his Klingon-speaking colleague corners you? And most important, what's plan B if one of you wants to stay? "Once you and your man answer these questions, you'll be on the same page," says Murray, "so you can relax and enjoy the evening."

The biggest favor you can do your relationship this Christmas or Hanukkah: Think about how to lighten each other's load. Here's why: Any frustration and stress you bottle up has a ripple effect on the relationship. You come home in a shopping funk and your guy's going to feel it. "So the idea is to figure out how you can work as a team so you don't compound all the outside stress you encounter," explains Darlene Mininni, PhD, author of The Emotional Tool Kit.

One way to do that is by playing up to your strengths. For instance, you're better at picking the gift for his boss, and he has the know-how to identify which power tool your dad doesn't have, so swap tasks.

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Another idea: Rather than feeling strapped because you're buying extravagant gifts for each other, scale back. Agree to spend 25 or 50 bucks each on an amazing meal or put the cash toward a vacay. The perfect gift could just be time together. And when you're finally alone for a night, don't turn it into a big event. Skip getting out the cookbooks and orchestrating a gourmet three-course romantic meal or even making reservations for some fancy dinner that requires, um, clothes. Instead, rent a movie or have a long soak in the tub.

So, your colleague's boyfriend's roommate is having a party and really wants you guys to come along. Truth: You'd love a night to chill since you've been out constantly this week. But instead of delivering the bad news, you hear yourself say "Cool, sounds like fun." Okay, this is an intervention: You do not have to attend every event you're invited to.

"The more functions you commit to, the less you enjoy yourself because you're exhausted and the more you begrudge the fact that your time is no longer your own," says Peter Sheras, PhD, author of Couple Power Therapy.

If you want to keep your bond and sanity intact, learn the N word (rhymes with whoa )...and use it.

Think of it as quality control: When you get an invitation in the mail, don't just mindlessly RSVP. Instead, prioritize what's important for you both to attend (like your boss's big shindig), what events you can jettison (like your teen cousin's basement party) and those soirees you're each okay attending alone (yes, it's fine to skip his aunt's tree-trimming ceremony). "Be honest about how much you can — and want — to do," says Sheras. "This way, you'll enjoy the parties you agree to and can avoid the fatigue and stress that so often ruins the little time you get to be alone together."

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Those tears in his eyes when you're wandering around, looking at the Christmas lights in town; well, they're not tears of joy. "Special holiday traditions you cherish don't necessarily matter to him," says Sheras. "And when it comes to sentimentality, guys don't always get it."

So in the end, you're attempting to share "meaningful" moments that may not mean anything to him — or, possibly, not to you either if you really think about it. "Consider how important each seasonal tradition is to you and why you want to experience it with him," says Sheras. You may find that some you can ditch, others you'd just as happily share with family and then a few really are about being together. "Once you reduce the number of holiday obligations to those that really matter, he will have more respect for your sentimentality." And heck, he can return the favor when it comes time to watch the Rose Bowl.

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