silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, April 16, 2007

maybe i do, maybe i don't

as a general rule, i feign stupidity when the topic of blogs comes up in discussion among my friends and family. truth be told, if words even starting with the letter 'b' are used in a conversation with them, i'm looking for the exit, fidgeting in my seat or pointing out the imaginary wad of gunk the other person has embedded between their front teeth.

this tactic usually buys (argh! a 'b' word!) me about 18 second with which to breeze (another! the agony!!) through the files in my brain (you ever realize how hard it is to avoid these things?!) to come up with a new point to discuss, such as the war and bush's (sigh...seriously...) mangling of the situation, perceived ineptitude in my parenting skills and, if with my mother, the debate over when i'm going to get a "real job."

so imagine my discomfort last sunday afternoon when, while gathered around the empty table at my mother's house following easter dinner, the topic of blogs and blogging came up, out of the blue (for god's sake...).

"what is a blog, anyway?" asked my mother, pretending to be stupid. i say "pretending to be stupid" because, for one, you'll now be able to see where i get this talent, and two, seated at the table with my mother and me were my aunt and my cousin, who authors a blog that my mother has critiqued and editorialized about vehemently to me and anyone else who will listen since the poor girl typed her first entry last fall.

"i mean, i don't even know what the word 'blog' stands for. do you?" mom asked, her gaze turning toward my own, which quickly went from her direct molten stare of shame toward examining an imaginary flaw in the finish on the table top.

"oh, you know, i think i used to," i replied. "i mean, i know i've read about them, but i'm not positive what 'blog' stands for. so, yeah, mom, do you really think i've not achieved all i could in life simply by not utilizing the maximum benefits of my college diploma? after all, you did push me toward it."

no use.

"the word 'blog' is short for 'weblog,'" my cousin chimed in. "people use them to write about all kinds of things."

"i simply can't imagine wanting to air things about my life for a bunch of strangers to read about," mom sighed, following her remark with what i swear was a hint of a 'tsk' sound. "people out there are putting up information about themselves or their kids, or about the things (imagine "things" said with finger quotes) they do."

knowing full well what 'blog' stood for and wanting to tell my mom that my keen research skills had pointed me to the statistic that more than 70 million people worldwide author blogs, according to the most recent data, and that, given the inspiration, she could write one of the more than 75,000 blogs created daily, i considered for a moment speaking up.

but my cousin, whose blog is an account of her struggle to get pregnant and then the evenutal birth of a child, chimed in with her reasoning for creating a blog before i could.

"i look at my blog as a way to get support from people going through similar situations," she said. "i feel like i've made friends with people i may never get to meet in real life, but that doesn't mean i don't feel connected to them. we can bounce ideas off each other, or just say we support each other. and honestly, i think of these people as friends."

"i agree. completely," i thought.

and sometimes, i wanted to add, i've found a blog is simply a way to get the words out of your head into a space where they can take flight. where they can stretch and grow. where maybe they'll strike a chord or make someone smile. where they might provoke a response leading to a discussion. or where they might simply sit, which is just as good, because sometimes, i simply do just need to get my thoughts out and have nowhere else to go with them.

but i didn't say it, because i'm not kidding when i say i don't wish for my family or friends to find this site. why the covert action? what some might call an apparent embarrassment and shame?

honestly, i don't know.

i'm obviously not what one could classify a "sex blogger" (merely for the simple fact that i reserve those topics when offering up tantalizing replies to other people's blogs). i have no apparent agenda when it comes to this stumbling block titled '...for a different kind of girl,' as evidenced by the fact that many of my posts are these rambling dissertations i pull from the left rear quadrant of my brain and then hit 'publish.' i don't know that i fall into a "mommy blog" or a "relationship blog" category, either, despite having written about my children and my husband.

i think i'm a "rambling blogger," at best. at worst, i'm a "we simply don't get you, but you say you you have a kick ass rack, so we're going to take that at face value, and by face value we mean we're hoping, simply hoping, that one day you'll prove it" kind of blogger. which, i suppose, isn't really the worse thing i could do as a blogger. the writing part, mind you. not so much the showing off my stuff part (curses! foiled again! though admit it. it was a perfect opportunity to slip in some more 'grease.' you're welcome, btw).

before i started writing here, i read blogs. i very well may have skimmed a few of yours. then, at the encouragement (prodding) of someone i'd read, started a dialogue with and consider a friend, i ventured out toward the creation of this. until last fall, i hadn't written anything of any worth to anyone in more than five years. there are some days here where i feel i'm still not doing so, but those of you coming along for the ride graciously say nice things, make up interesting names for me, and have become support systems and friends. and i dig it. it's safe and honest and what have you. i'm not so sure it would be the same with my friends and family, because i sometimes think we're quicker to judge those closest to us.

i probably haven't gone to great pains to make this site as anonymous as it could be, but i have opted not to directly name myself, my children or my friends and family members here simply because i realize that if i can be found out there by someone doing a google search of anything from "different kinds of panties for my girlfriend" to "chuck e. cheese nightmare," i could be unearthed by any one of my "real life" acquaintances using any random point of interest i may have.like my mom. and truly, my mom and i can't even say "i love you" to the other comfortably, so i'm pretty sure i don't wish her to discover my obvious love of aquatic mammals and the various toys that make me oh so happy. or aghast at my ability to multitask. or 'tsk' about the stunning way i can turn simple and pure things into a double entendre.

(as a public service, allow me to remind you again that i am not a "sex blogger." despite the above mother/daughter cringe-worthy examples. my hope is you'll keep coming back because of or in spite of that fact. there's nearly 100 posts contained within this blog. surely something will strike you. thank you)

anyway, long story short, i keep myself veiled here because i don't want to have to explain to my friends and family why i sometimes inject parts of their involvement in my life here in my writing for others to read. because i don't wish to listen to my mother question why i would air aspects of my life for people she'd call "strangers" to judge or cheer. because i don't think you can make people who don't have blogs understand when you make a case for the fact that the people you can connect with through your writing, in a sense, become friends. i don't have any qualms or opinions on whether you as the author of your own blog chooses to do so on a less anonymous basis. i read many of you who do. i respect everyone's choice in the matter.

and i'm still going to pretend i'm stupid when the word "blog" gets bantered (again with the 'b' words!) around with my friends and family. especially my mom, because i learned from the best (one last time...).

20 Comments:

That is an amazing post. tsk tsk ;) ...I for one like dirty laundry. In this world, where every Dick and Jane pretends to be perfect, it is refreshing to read about reality. Not that I like to read about bad things mind you, I just enjoy finding other people with quirks. Just.like.me. :)

I am not anonymous, yet, I really don't want my family to discover my blog. If they did, it wouldn't be the end of the world, but I would feel like I might need to censor some of my thoughts. :O

Thank you for venturing into this blog world--it just wouldn't be the same without my MILK. :)

I understand your reasoning behind you blogging incognito....The whose barn I live in is a bit like your mother only his "reasoning" for not blogging comes with the age old... some psycho might show up and kill you because he/she doesn't like what he/she read.... I saw a t-shirt while getting my first tattoo (saw the same shirt during several tattoo sessions) It read.... For those who understand no explination is needed. For those who do not understand no explination is possible....

You have to be in "the know", I guess, to realy be able to blog.... or "not"

We have several family members with blogs, and I am always a bit concerned I might use the wrong log in name and give myself away.

Therese and I have been in similar situations where people will start talking about blogs and we have to feign ignorance. I don't go so far as to pretend I have no idea what a blog is, but I'll certainly never mention our blogs. It has gotten uncomfortably close a couple of times.

(and by the by, I recently read your post about answering the phone. I started to tell Therese about it and she gasped "she didn't answer the phone did she?" Me thinks the telephone has too much control over you!) :)

I have several friends and even my wife who have blogs (I even have another one on which I haven't posted in months) and i worry that someone in this circle of blogs might comment on one of theirs and that whole link thing could lead to mine but in some ways that would be the best thing that could happen. Even though your content is not as shocking or (looking for the right word) devastatingly personal as other blogs by keeping it private you allow yourself freedom and I think that is what a lot of us find here is this strange little world we participate in.

My blog is hidden from my real world and hopefully will remain so to allow me to express my real thoughts rather than the filtered out thoughts you can actually say outloud. If Queenie knew what I said about her Ladies trip the other day she would never see the humor in it, would only see it as a slam. Big Brother would feel the same of hius characterization.

I am fortunate in that I don't have to play the ignorance deal on blogging in general as the daughters each have a couple teen blogs they maitain, so as a 'good father' I have researched them and know enough to chat about 'em. In general terms.

Molly is the only one who knows all about my blog. I've let slip to a couple folks that I blog pseudonymously, and no, I'm not going to tell you my pseudonym, thank you very much. Probably a dumb thing to do (and not very kind, either). A couple of my kids know that I blog pseudonymously, which worries me a little, 'cuz it wouldn't be all that hard for them to figure out my pseudonym (unlike some of y'all!). I don't worry too much about what anyone might find on my blog, but the miscellaneous sex stories that have appeared from time to time would be hard to explain. Not that I'd mind all that much that anyone I know might find out that Molly and I once had sex on the beach, under the Northern Lights; only that they wouldn't get why I'd posted that, or the whole, "why the hell would you tell a bunch of total strangers about the details of your sex life?" thing. Or, they wouldn't understand the certain kind of freedom that comes with 'anonymity' (or 'pseudonymity', I suppose). Sometimes you just want to talk about something, without having to deal with the whole, "what the hell's the matter with you?" scenario. And, if you've ever had sex on the beach, under the Northern Lights, sometimes you just want to tell somebody, y'know?

And the flip side of people I know finding my blog, is that some of y'all, whom I blog with, might find me. Which, when I think about it, wouldn't be all that hard, either. A few of you already do know who I am. And honestly, I like the idea of 'taking it real', and getting to know the real people behind the blogs.

Just, when we do meet, don't make 'wink-wink, nudge-nudge' references to the Northern Lights in the kids' hearing, OK?

Don't let your Mom fool you. She's playing dumb just like you are. She has the craziest sex blog out there, she just doesn't want you to know about it.

After writing for a couple of years, it's rather annoying the lengths one must go through to keep it secret. Because I occasionally talk to friends about some of the same topics we talk about in blogspace, I once let slip to a good friend that I write some things on the Internet anonymously. He wanted to know where, and I said no. He wanted to know what I write about, and what on earth could I be writing about that I'd need to be secretive about?

I find the hardest part becomes the more integrated the blogging experience becomes in your life, the harder it becomes to not talk about it in real life. Topics, subjects, experiences, so many things cross-reference, sometimes it gets confusing. Usually I just use the "friend" excuse, or the "I read this somewhere" one in conversations. It gets harder to do as time goes on.

nanette - oh, my sweet MILK friend. i have quirks! quirks I've not even let have the light of day yet!

biscuit - here's reason 1,017 why I think I love the internet - the chance for me to pick up on new vocabulary words. Without blogging, I'd not be able to use the phrase "squirrel covers" and now "butt squencher" in every day conversation. And I do!

savage - that tshirt philosophy pretty much sums up the whole thing!

rs - oh, normally, i'm not one to talk on the telephone much, so to have done what i did? shocking, in more ways then one. but now, with every ring, i'll think of your warning! and then sing "ring ring" by abba...

finished - i'm not sure i have the skillz to be devastatingly shocking. should you ever come to this site and read something that qualifies as that, alert the authorities. i've been ambushed.

xi - i don't know that my blog is as 'veiled' as i'd like it to be sometimes, but for various reasons, the things i've written don't get brought up in "real life" discussion.

desmond - oh, you can guarantee i'm going to be all 'nudge nudge' now mister...oh, ok, fine. i'll only do it when the coast is clear.

wink, wink...

rs - we're going to do it so much desmond will perhaps get angry. he should have known better then to give us a warning...heh...

ftn - thanks for giving me that 'throw up a little bit in my mouth' feeling. i appreciate that i can count on you for putting those mental images up in my brain.

art - what you say is very true. i sometimes find i stop myself mid remark with a 'real life' friend to avoid the whole possibility of the blog thing coming up. and should i start to mention a 'blog friend' i have to remember no one has a clue what i'm talking about!

which i like. and which may be the case here, now that i think about it...

nocturnal - soemtimes i think it's a silly technique, but there's a lot of junk poured out from me in some of those posts that's just best left there.

chag - i find i look at them like a dog who just heard a loud whistle, or that they are perhaps speaking mandarin chinese. i like to mix it up.

and then, sometimes, i wonder if it's all so silly to think that embarrassment or whatever makes me compelled to hide such a large part of myself from real life...hmmm...

I understand completely. Its not just a desire for people not to find out about the affair that concerns me personally, but I don't think I want my family to hear the things that we tend to talk about around the neighborhood.

And its as much for their protection as it is for our own, isn't it?

Somehow I think that my mother might spontaneously combust or something if she read RS's and my discussion on whether boink, hump, or copulate was the best term. And I'm pretty sure my brothers don't want to know how I entice my husband with my nakedness (or oven mitts, for that matter).

So really, Fadkog, isn't it a public service my maintaining anonymity?

I have several blogs. Only my sister has access to both the family blog, where I do mostly rant about my everyday difficulties as a new mom. My adult blog has been online for almost 2 years and I really do enjoy the anonymity of being able to write whatever I want - even though most of the posts aren't about sex - the ones I DO write are for my own benefit - if others read them, fine - if not, fine. But I try to keep them separated - i.e. there's on link to the adult one from the family one,e tc. and I use different names. Will it come to be that someone connects the two? Who knows. My hubby knows about my blogs but leaves them alone - and he's the only one who would have reason to have a problem if they were found out :)

I often regret that my blog is totally out in the open with basically everyone I know. I'm forced to edit myself and pick and choose my topics. I still like to push my readers' buttons now and then, but I can't exactly talk about, say, the fact that my mother-in-law is a total bitch. Oops, did I just say that?

therese - i understand your point exactly. we're totally in agreement about these worlds of ours serving as a public service announcment. as well, i don't wish my mother to have any input as to what i refer to sex in my house as (which, should the world be curious, is "fancy a bit of a poke?" though i do tend to infuse it with "boink" sometimes!)

lady c - good to see you back! i tend to think that for me, personally, having more than one blog of different calibers would be entirely too mind-boggling! as it is now, i have a hard time juggling the user names and passwords for two (only two!!) different email accounts, so you can see my conundrum!

kelly - tell you what, my friend. you can use my comments section as an outlet for any bitching you wish to do that you're unable to on your site. and i'll also tell you that i love when you bring such thought-provoking topics to the plate. sometimes however, in my mind that can't handle more than two email accounts (!), i'm lost for words to respond! the door's always open here for you!