Archive for August, 2012

Having children was the best thing that could’ve happened in my life. A fact.

The birth of my eldest daughter, now over 16 years ago, was the catalyst for my entire LIFE since then. She brought me focus. Kids can do that for some people.

My ex (Before A) and I had a terrible and looonnnngggg end to our 10 year relationship. Terrible (read the rest of the blog for that story). Our relationship ended less than 6 years ago. She has never forgiven me for my past transgressions. She has chosen to not forget the pain and anguish I put her through. I have ALWAYS understood this. And accepted it too.

I had hoped, as we got older and she found a new partner, that she would, fingers crossed, somehow forgive me. She has said that she has, but it seems very difficult for me to believe this.

Over the past few years she has, off and on, made things ‘difficult’ for me. Sadly mostly to do with our girls. Controlling every aspect of their lives. Don’t get me wrong. She is a wonderful mother. She has done a fantastic job raising our girls. BUT she has forgotten (ironic) that I have helped her even with the limited input she has allowed me.

I often feel like an ATM. As long as I am paying her regular child support and extra cash for other necessities then everything is ‘okay’.

It is hard to find redemption in this situation, when redemption is not possible. It is hard to have to ask for permission to spend time with your daughters (we have no legal agreement, just a mutual one) and have any plans you have made for them squashed if my ex or her family have plans…regardless of you having ‘booked’ them in advance.

I have never spoken badly about my ex to my daughters either. I have always made sure to be completely respectful about my ex when talking to my girls. Even when there are times that my daughters REALLY want to stay with me or spend time with me and my ex decides that ‘something else’ has come up and they can’t do either. I just smile at my beautiful daughters and tell them that I love them and tell them i’ll catch up with them soon. I’m starting to get sick of making excuses.

I love my daughters more than any other female in the world…then my mum of course. I feel hamstrung. But I don’t have any other choice. I’m frustrated. I’m sad. Angry left me years ago.

This quote from a wonderful blog I have been following resonates with me.

A, often asked me what made me want to start a relationship with her. I was upfront and honest with her and said I wasn’t sure. I did say that I found her attractive AND that I could see that she had a beautiful heart.

So, now you understand this quote.

Maybe that’s my problem? Once I make a “heart” connection I just can’t let go. Partners, Friends, etc. Why is this? Don’t know the answer to that either…

I guess that’s why it saddens me about “People Forgetting”…ahhh well, I’m never going to stop being who I am or opening my heart to people…that’s just not me.

I think the biggest mistake that people make in my situation is to close their hearts off to everyone around them OR of course the most obvious run towards the nearest person that showed any interest…it’s a catch 22 really isn’t it.

So, just wanted to share this quote. Like I said, It resonates with me and my heart.

I’ve posted before about keeping connected with friends and family. This is something I have made sure to do. It’s something I’d forgotten to do in the past. I’ve made sure to reverse that trend now.

But, most people forget.

In my life I have supported/comforted, etc, etc many family, friends and acquaintances. Some people I have spent many a day and night bringing them up from their own pit of dispair. Maybe a little too dramatic, but you get the picture. It’s in my nature to want to help people. Always has been. I like being there for others. I like to think they would feel the same way. I have found that it isn’t always the case.

People Forget.

It goes back to me making strong connections. I open my heart and my mind to people. People I have only just met. I know this is strange, but I have always worked in reverse with my trust. I give people 100% of “me”…then I start taking back that trust when people ‘wrong me’. It’s like giving students and ‘A’ from the start of the term and they work to keep it..cliche, I know.

I am very skilled at making people feel good about themselves. I help amplify all the positive things that they have going for them. I offer them honest and open advice. I listen. I observe. I empathise. I’m good at it!

SOME people take advantage of this skill.

People forget.

Why have I decided to write about this?

I had some friends going through a similar situation to me last year. They have both now found new significant others. This makes me REALLY happy for them. But what…upsets me is the fact that they don’t seem to want to reconnect since I’ve been home. It just makes me sad. All three of us made strong connections through our shared experiences. Well I guess I thought we did. We all shared very intimate details about our situations, issues that we were going through, etc, etc. But now they are in relationships again I guess they don’t want to be reminded of those times. Fair enough. I can understand that. They know all about my journey too.

To be far, I have only seen one of the two and he did say he would contact me and make dinner plans…3 weeks ago now..LOL…but I’m gonna give him the benefit of the doubt. The other mate I’m gonna contact asap!!

I’ve allowed myself to drift away from my weekly blogs. To be honest I’ve forgotten all about my blog until reminders from my mates. It’s not that I don’t enjoy writing here. I genuinely don’t have anything to add. Don’t want it to be a chore as I’ve mentioned previously…

Closure is something that I wish I had. I think that seems to be the biggest issue I’m having right now.

I know that I may never get the closure I would like…spending the last few months processing everything that happened before, during and after the breakup gets a little bit boring…but that’s how my mind works…very analytical and logical. Trying to straighten things out.

One minute I am absolutely positive why things went down the way they did…the next minute I get confused again…not sure where that’s coming from though.

I know that things have been getting better and they seem to have plateaued…Most probably cause I’m going to leave my daughters soon and head back to the UAE. They are still a strong reminder of why I am working overseas. They miss me. I miss them. But I know we won’t be apart for too long.

You know, I actually hope that one day A will be able to contact me just so I can hear it from her, I guess just so I can have confirmation of my thoughts…Closure is something that all relationships need…I think.

Had a very vivid dream last night. It involved A. I haven’t had a dream about A for almost 9 months. She was in bed with me crying and telling me how much she loved me. I said I loved her too. It was very vivid. It woke me up. Now a few months ago something like this would’ve knocked me back (emotionally) for a few hours. I’m lucky I’ve move on so much.

I did wonder why I had dreamed about her again…I am a true believer in ‘connections’ that people have. Connections that are never broken, even though we may feel they are. You know when you start thinking about someone of something and then all of a sudden you see them or it?? This is the connection that I feel I still have with A…Or possibly the connection I wish we had…

I feel that’s what’s happening to me right now. All these memories are coming back again, but instead of feeling strong emotional pain, I’m re-analyzing everything again. Good or Bad, not really sure right now…It has made me think more about future partners…It’s funny when catching up with various mates here one of the first things they have asked about is my relationship status, it did make me laugh. I’m sure they just want me to be happy. As we all know happiness is defined by being with someone…apparently…

I am interested to see how the rest of my time goes here at home. I know for sure that my daughters are missing me like crazy and I am constantly reminding them that It won’t be long before I’m home again.

It would be easy for me to blame A for making me head overseas, but that would just be stupid. The decisions I made in our relationship created my current situation. I know that without a doubt. Now it’s simple for me. The decisions I make now are going to define not only mine but my daughters futures too. Every moment I have with them now I make sure to drop pearls of wisdom…or maybe more like drops of caramel chocolate…Anyway, feeling positive about my life at the moment. Trying to keep up my promises too. Even with the bad dream…

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted…Been busy enjoying being home and spending time with my beautiful daughters.

Being home has given me plenty of time to reflect on the last 5 months. I was concerned that all my old emotions would come rushing back, being surrounded by old memories. They didn’t hit me at first. In the past few weeks they have been hammering me again. EVERYTHING that reminded me of my past feelings for A have been doing the same things again…The biggest difference is, I can Handle it. Time does help heal old wounds, very cliché, but very true. BUT time, I think, only helps heal when you use that time positively. I really believe this is exactly what I have done.

I have made sure to surround myself with positive people. I have made sure to CONSTANTLY remind myself of my past decisions and actions. I have definitely wavered in some resolutions, but not to any tragic degree…and not before seriously thinking about the repercussions and consequences.

I must admit I didn’t think I’d still be thinking about A as much as I have been. I did think I would’ve moved on ’emotionally’ by now. I haven’t. Been trying to figure out why. Back home here as amplified these thoughts to. Just reminds me that I made the BEST decision to head to the UAE.

I KNOW that finding someone else would help me ‘feel’ better. There have been times I have been tempted to do this. But I remember my promise to myself. It is difficult being alone. Very difficult. BUT there are so many positive things happening for me now…becoming static or worse heading in reverse would make these past few months redundant.

BB and my bro EC reminded me to get blogging again. I thanked them for the push too. Just got into that comfortable place where I didn’t feel like adding anything as there wasn’t anything, I thought, was ‘dramatic’ enough…but I guess a blog doesn’t always have to be that way does it?

I’ve been following others blog’s too. They help me with my journey too. One in particular I find very interesting. This particular blogger has been great in expressing their feelings, truthful and honest. They make mistakes which they share with everyone…this helps me with my own emotional reflections. Watching others work through their own issues, similar to yours, helps in so many ways.