I've always heard that consuming pineapple and/or parsley helps sweeten the taste of the male ejaculate. Can there be any truth to this?

Our sexpert tackles your bedroom conundrums.

The parsley-pineapple-semen connection can be puzzling, and not just for those unlucky few who have to clean up after one of Woody Harrelson's parties. Some say there is a link between what you eat and the flavor of your semen. Others maintain these are old wives' tales perpetuated by powerful fruit and garnish lobbies. But somewhere between Big Parsley and a bunch of horny old wives lies the truth: Semen will never be delicious. Dr. Drew Pinsky, of television fame, reminds us that the body is filled with bacteria, which affects its by-products. "Certain foods can make it taste worse, but, like sweat or snot, semen isn't going to be appealing." The doctor was later heard grumbling that earwax also tastes bad. Still, there are those whose tastes are so refined that they can discern subtle notes and undertones. "Fruits and quality alcohol are good for a pleasant, sugary flavor, but chemically processed liquors may cause an acidic taste," says online sex therapist Amy Guven. She also tells us that dairy and meat products create the foulest-tasting fluids and that "vegetarians have ejaculate that generally tastes sweet, nutlike." The fact remains, there is no hard evidence that diet has any bearing on the taste of semen. When it comes right down to it, semen isn't supposed to taste good. It's supposed to get you wasted!

I love my girlfriend, but when I kiss her, it's like she has a cow tongue. How can I improve her kissing techniques? Is it rude to give her tips? And if not, what tips can I give?

It's not necessarily rude, just heartbreaking. Peter Post of the Emily Post Institute agrees that this is a delicate situation and advises against doing anything sneaky, lest it backfire. Post stresses politeness. Might we recommend something like, "Let's try not getting each other so soaked that we have to go find a towel." Or, if that's not polite enough, you might say, "Let's try not getting each other so soaked that we have to go find a towel, since you are such a terrible kisser and a great disappointment to everyone."

William Cane, kissing expert and author of The Art of Kissing, says to "make it like a game. You tell the girl, 'I'd like you to tell me something that you would like me to change, and then I'll reciprocate.'" Everyone loves games! Especially games that let you use your thinker. As far as tips go, Cane says most kissing problems can be alleviated if the woman simply opens her mouth wider. And that's just good advice in general?

I've always had a fantasy of being a gigolo. Are there really such services for women, and if so, how do I get hooked up?

Life as a gigolo isn't always as exciting as it looks in dull Richard Gere movies. It's actually hard work. We contacted recently retired gigolo Shai Shahar, who is generally regarded as the most famous gigolo in the world by people who regard gigolos. He told us most gigolos don't last six months. "Performance anxiety killed the careers of a great many would-be gigolos."

True gigolos are heterosexual, so if your "lady" dates look more like businessmen on their lunch hours, you can't technically call yourself a gigolo. Many heterosexual gigolos have to offer other services, such as massages or fitness training, to stay afloat. (Dad was right: Always have something to fall back on.)

As for tips on how to succeed, Shahar says it's advantageous to hang around "planes, trains, terrace cafés, car washes, hotel bars, seminars...anyplace where people go to loiter with nothing much to do." The smart gigolo has already booked a room for the next Democratic National Convention.

He also recommends you have business cards made up that read something like, "John Doe, head specialist" or "Your pleasure is my business." (If those examples are too vague, you could try something like "Lady, me hump you for $" and a phone number.)

Shahar says, "Having a warm, sincere, or slightly wise smile is helpful. And be a good or at least fair dancer."

He also reminds us that "a client pays for the time she's with you, not for sex." So be smart: Suggest a date to a Paul Thomas Anderson film festival. If you still think you have what it takes to be a gigolo, ask yourself, Do I have a warm, sincere, or slightly wise smile? Am I very corny? How's my fox-trot? If you answered yes to all of these questions, you, too, could have an exciting career fucking lonely old broads.

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