Being suspended is like getting a paid vacation. Why do they t...

[narrating] Being suspended is like getting a paid vacation. Why do they think it's a punishment? It's like your dog pees on the carpet and you give him a treat. Then you get in trouble for skipping school, it's sooo stupid! Hendricks told me, "One more time" and I'd be expelled. Sounded good to me.

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[Jim is watching porn]Adult Video Actor: Crystal! What are you doing here in the boy's locker room?Adult Video Actress: Come to see the star quarterback before the big game.Adult Video Actor: But what if Coach Henderson walks in?Adult Video Actress: Oh, that's okay, I took care of him. So, uh, whatya reading?Adult Video Actor: Oh, I'm just reviewing my playbook.Adult Video Actress: I know a play we can practice: You be quarterback, I'll be tight-end.

[praying] Dear God, I know I don't believe in you, but since I'll be starting catholic school soon, I though I should at least practice. Let's see. What do I want? I want Lisa to realize what a bitch she is and feel really bad and apologize for how she hurt me and know how much I still love her. In spite of everything, I still want Paul to win the election tomorrow, not that cunt Tracy. Oh, and I also want a really expensive pair of leather pants and someday, I wanna be really good friends with Madonna. Love, Tammy.