Finding Joy in the Sexless Marriage

We’ve come to assume that the long-term intimate relationship involves physical as well as emotional closeness. However, couples may decide for a variety of reasons that sex is not a key feature of their particular relationship. Over time, some may evolve through a set of phases from passionate to companionate marriage. For other long-term relationships, however, the ties that bind are intrinsically linked to physical expressions of affection. What determines which couples choose the sexless route and which remain sexually active well into their later years?

A recent New York Times interview with family sociologist Denise Donnelly explored the factors that contribute to sexless marriages, incorporating data from the General Social Survey to understand how these relationships come about and what keeps them going. I decided to explore the published literature on the topic and came across a 2008 paper written by Donnelly and fellow sociologist Elizabeth Burgess. This landmark paper identified the complex factors leading up to the sexless marriage and points to ways that couples in these relationships adapt and evolve over time.

The paper by Donnelly and Burgess is based on social exchange theory, a perspective that emphasizes the costs and benefits of remaining in a long-term relationship. Applying this lens to the sexless marriage, the authors looked specifically at the case of “involuntary celibacy” in which partners remain sexless for 6 months or more. “Sexless” in this case is defined as not having any physically pleasuring sexual activity not because the couples choose to become celibate, but because circumstances lead to this outcome.

According to social exchange theory, women who would otherwise prefer a relationship involving sex stay in one that does not because they regard the costs of being on their own as higher than the possible rewards of being on their own and free to have sex with someone else. Traditionally, particularly as they get older, women have fewer options to have sexual partners than do men because the older woman is seen as less sexually desirable than her same-age male counterparts. Women may also, traditionally, be more dependent on their husbands for financial support (though this is changing) or at least feel that they couldn’t raise their children alone.

Adding to this basic formula are the investments that couples make in relationships in terms of the time and effort they put into their marriage. The more they invest in their marriage, the greater the likelihood they’ll stay in it. In terms of sexuality, social prescriptions also play a role. These include the social norms that committed couples remain sexually exclusive backed up by the legal norms that make it difficult for couples to end their relationship when it becomes less than satisfying.

With this backdrop, let’s examine the reasons that couples choose celibacy in their committed relationships:

The passage of time. The longer a relationship endures, the greater the chances that the couple’s sexual fires will diminish. Even so, many older adults do remain sexually active. For aging women, the issue may be not only one of time changing the nature of the relationship but the fact that their partners are no longer alive or are in poor health.

Stressors in the relationship. Even relatively young couples can become voluntarily celibate if they are facing enough outside pressures. Late in a woman’s pregnancy, the couple may decide to cease having sex, and even after the baby is born, she and/or her partner may simply not have the energy to engage in sexual activity. Eventually, most couples do become sexually active again after 6 months, but they may then run into other competing demands on their emotional energy.

Illness in one or both partners. The development of chronic physical or mental illness isn’t necessarily the deal-killer when it comes to sex, but it may significantly interfere with one or both partner’s libido. It may be fairly obvious how physical illness can become a limiting factor, but as Donnelly and Burgess point out, people with psychological disorders may lose sexual interest as a result of medication or self-doubts associated with stigma. Declines in sexual activity can also contribute to mental health problems, particularly if one or both partners feel that they are less attractive and desirable than they once were.

Guilt or conflict. Certainly, many people with strong religious convictions continue to enjoy a satisfying sex life, particularly if their religion places high value on propagation. However, a lifetime of being exposed to religious teachings that place proscriptions on oral sex and masturbation may leak over and hamper the expression of sexual activity within even the marriage.

What happens when couples find themselves having slipped, for any of these reasons (or others) into celibacy? Is their relationship doomed? According to Donnelly and Burgess, the impact of involuntary sexlessness depends in part on a person’s reference group. Going back to the social exchange perspective, if they see their own celibacy as not that different from that of others in their own normative group (based on age, gender, illness status, religiosity) then entirely negative outcomes may be mitigated. In general, sexual activity is positively linked to relationship satisfaction, but there are still couples who don’t fit this pattern. They can maintain high relationship quality because their view of their relationship has shifted to define the sexless life as normative.

On the other hand, if a couple is celibate because their sexual relationship was unsatisfying or unfulfilling, then it stands to reason that they will experience high levels of sexual dissatisfaction. They may also start to stray from the marriage and seek sexual gratification in an extramarital affair which may exact a high emotional toll both on the cheater and the cheated-upon.

Despite these potentially negative consequences, couples do decide to remain in the relationship rather than leave their partner. From the exchange theory perspective, they feel they’ve already invested so much time and energy into the relationship that it would take a great deal to tear them apart. They may also value the shared affection they experience in non-sexual ways, what Donnelly and Burgess call “we-ness.” The social supports of remaining together as a couple, if not a family, also keep the sexless couple together. Emotionally, a couple may remain together in a sexless marriage because their partner is their best friend or their “ideal” partner.

In examining the data from a sample of 77 couples, Donnelly and Burgess identified a handful of basic strategies. About one-third gave up and stopped asking their partner. Others sought sexual gratification outside the marriage. For the majority, investing their energy in other things (work, school, hobbies) provided the greatest emotional relief. Some redefined the stress of their relationship as a challenge of their coping abilities and sought spiritual or self-growth. For another third of the sample, though, marriage or sexual counseling was the preferred route though, by definition, this intervention was ineffective for the current sample.

Sifting through the information provided by this unique study, it appears that one of the key factors is perceiving that the rewards of being together with your partner outweigh the costs of leaving. Love, shared values, and mutual goals, values, and experiences are the glue that can keep a sexless relationship going. Coping with a sexless relationship may involve a variety of strategies, then, whether or not that relationship occurs within the context of marriage. If you’re in a relationship in which you are celibate due to circumstances outside of your control, if you’re like the majority of people in this study, you find ways to cope.

Knowing that you’re not alone may be the greatest solace in coping with a sexless relationship. Social norms may make you feel like an oddity and the distress you experience may be very real. It’s possible that, like some of the least happy in the Donnelly and Burgess study, you decide to leave the relationship. Even though it may be difficult, however, it is possible to find ways to work through its challenges.

Follow me on Twitter @swhitbo for daily updates on psychology, health, and aging. Feel free to join my Facebook group, "Fulfillment at Any Age," to discuss today's blog, or to ask further questions about this posting.

"Traditionally, particularly as they get older, women have fewer options to have sexual partners than do men because the older woman is seen as less sexually desirable than her same-age male counterparts."

I think the word you are looking for is not "traditionally" but rather "stereotypically" since the idea that older women have no value on relationship markets is more propaganda than reality. The observation that the overwhelming majority of divorces are instigated by women does not lend much credence that women are more willing to stay in relationships because they believe they cannot do better elsewhere.

I thought older women had fewer options for sexual partners simply because many of their age-peers are dead. And even if older men are seen as more sexually desirable, it's not like there's a huge excess of younger women to go around. And even if younger women pair up more with older men, well, that leaves an excess of younger men for older women, no?

The real reason why women have fewer options for sexual partners is that women are only willing to marry up. A woman only considers a man a candidate if the man is more educated, successful, wealthy, intelligent, etc., than herself.

Of course there are plenty of available men. They're just invisible to these women.

I was generalizing, obviously. Of course my statement doesn't describe every woman.

What it does describe is the many educated, attractive women whom I know personally, who go around bemoaning the 'fact' that, "There are no men!"

Naturally there are plenty of men. There are even men who are interested in these very women. Men who approach them and try to get to know them. But these women reject them out-of-hand if the man isn't higher status than she is. Maybe you haven't seen it, but I've seen it plenty.

Seems like one of the contradictions feminists faced. On the one hand, they wanted equality with men in the workplace. And then some of them realized, to their chagrin, that it meant they needed to rethink their desire to marry up. Otherwise it would continue to teach men that they needed to achieve more than women or hold back their progress in the workplace in order to be able to marry them!

In the US today there are more women married to men with less education than themselves than there are women married to men with more education than themselves. Almost 1 in 5 new marriages of women between the ages of 40 and 65 are to men who are more than five years younger than themselves. These comments here stereotyping the behaviour of women completely ignore the most recent trends in marriage.

That educational reversal will probably continue for a long time. For some years now, most college degrees in the USA have been earned by women. Many women will have no choice but to "marry down" educationally.

It wouldn't surprise me if the average age difference in new marriages is widening in recent years. Perhaps there is now less stigma to non-traditional age disparity? And people are now marrying later when there are fewer practical limitations on wider age differences. Would be interesting to read about if someone had done a study.

The real reason why women have fewer options for sexual partners is that women are only willing to marry up. A woman only considers a man a candidate if the man is more educated, successful, wealthy, intelligent, etc., than herself.

Of course there are plenty of available men. They're just invisible to these women.

Actually, what biology shows it that nature provides variety in sexual tastes for both men and women. That's not even an argument. For example, for many men, even a young woman is not only less attractive, she's not attractive at all. They're called gay men.

Last I heard, the 3rd annual cougar convention took place in Las Vegas a few years ago. Minimum age for women, 40. The place was packed with young guys looking for older women.

And there are plenty of men who don't want much sex, or any at all, and would be happy with cuddling. Just check the endless posts by women (including young women) on many forums whose husbands are no longer interested in sex.

As for women finding a low quality male for a fling, uh, ha ha, that would be what you hear guys doing all the time -- finding a low quality female -- and some of them seem very proud of it, so I think you got your putdowns reversed! Even our great former President Clinton seemed to have had flings with some, er, ah, low quality females before he reached the White House.

I thought older women had fewer options for sexual partners simply because many of their age-peers are dead. And even if older men are seen as more sexually desirable, it's not like there's a huge excess of younger women to go around. And even if younger women pair up more with older men, well, that leaves an excess of younger men for older women, no?

I believe you overlooked the fact that there is a ratio of 5 women for every man currently.. Therefore, regardless of how long an older man lives, the remaining numbers of younger women will always prevail.. We should stop sending our young males off to wars..No?

I don't quite understand this article , were is there anything about finding happiness in a sexless marriage ?
there 's a lot of clinical talk, cause and affect, symptoms of the sexless marriage. but no really advice on how to cope or or live a happy life in a sexless marriage. other then getting a divorce ,really .

Differences in mortality rates between men and women don't start to show up in any worrisome way until women are their 70s. For example, at the age of 55 there are about 94 men for every 100 women. By the age of 65 there are about 88 men for every 100 women. I don't think these differences are enough to encourage women to stay in loveless marriages.

Those numbers agree approximately with the data on page 82 of Sex in America (1994) from the Chicago sex survey, where they list 88 women per 100 men in the age range 60-64. But the book suggests that the ratio is actually worse for those on the market. I think what they're talking about is, as a simplified and possibly exaggerated example to make the point, if you assume that 70 of those women are married to 70 of those men, that leaves 30 women looking for 18 men. And if you then add the wrinkle that men are usually paired with slightly younger women, the ratio is even worse.

Of course, anyone determined and resourceful can always find someone, if for no other reason than that most people don't try that hard.

Are my own calculations using 2011 mortality data. These arguments you have made are pretty much meaningless since they are based on the assumption that everyone wants to be in a relationship, or worse they rely on the assumption that women want to be in a relationship and men do not. I am not convinced at all that is the case for people in this age group. I am also still not convinced that women stay in loveless marriages because they have no value on the market. The fact that women are more likely to end a marriage just doesn't support that argument.

Yes, almost any argument is going to rely on shaky assumptions on this topic. Indeed, who wants to be in a relationship even, and how much? Or how many older people are actively gay in older age, etc.

I can only report what the Sex In America (1994) book said, and it devoted several pages to a surprisingly dismal outlook for older women, even starting at age 50. The book provides many reasons in the discussion, though those conclusions didn't seem to be as rigorously surveyed and researched as other statistics in the book.

I'm reminded of a Newsweek article long ago which said that single women over 40 (or some such milestone age) had essentially a zero chance of getting married. It caused quite a stir. I know a woman in that category who panicked. But funny thing, she found the love of her life about 10 years later. We still laugh about that article.

I am glad you can laugh about that article. Personally I don't find convincing a generation of women that the have missed the opportunity to marry simply because they chose to go to college particularly funny. That particular reckless use of data could very well have convinced a generation of women to make poor decisions that influenced the path of their lives. How sad is that? Telling older women today that they are less desirable than their male counterparts and therefore have fewer options available them is equally reckless. And based on what, a 20 year old statistic that ignores the reality of the market for relationships later in life? Women staying in loveless, maybe even abusive relationships because society feeds them a perpetual line that they are unworthy of love because they stopped ovulating is really, in my opinion, nothing to laugh about.

and my last 3 lovers have been in their 30s and my current lover is 32. I don't think I'm that much of an anomaly. I think young men are waking up to the fact that older lovers have a lot to offer. One of my lovers told me he didn't like the drama that young women put him through.

I am 43 and enjoy sex not just the act of sex but the closeness I feel after, my husband can't get an erection and when it started I took it personnaly which lead to arguements that just made me feel even more insecure this situation has made me crazy he's not made any áttempt to resolve it either medically or through therapy. I'm so hurt, lonely, and my self esteem has plummeted, I love him so much and it hurts even more that he's not concerned about my emotional well being. This has evolved into a daily (majority) of my days thoughts I've become over the top jealous and resentful, I'm terrified that I'm running to divorce because I just don't and can't much longer deal with the pain of the emotional and sexual rejection - I no longer know what or how to resolve this!!

That's pretty young for having ED. Is he on any kind of medication which could cause this? Is he overweight or does he smoke? Does he exercise? Is this a new problem in the last few years?

It's VERY IMPORTANT that your husband see a doctor because ED is now considered a possible early warning sign for cardiovascular problems. This should be done before you even think about going to therapy.

Explain this to him and make an appointment for him. I know someone who died because they were too embarrassed to check out something which would have been easy to cure at an early stage.

I second what Anon50 wrote. It will not get better. You are 43, so you have plenty of life left. If you get out now, you can find another relationship with a man who wants to have sex with you (if that's what you want) or just live a fulfilling life on your own.

I am with you. I am 42 year old and I have been struggle with my emotional pain of being rejected for over 10 years. I ve trying to cope with this kind of unusual marriage life, but I still feel hurt and lonely every night. My husband is completely healthy. If he had some sexual disorder that would make me feel better because if so, I can comfort myself that it is not because I am too unattractive or too clumsy in my husband's eyes. I know my beauty is above average and I am not clumsy. Divorce Seems not a choice because i still love him. We have 3 children and I want them to have a stable family. But it's really not fair for me to live a life like this.

I attempted, just last night, to ask him if he wants his single life back and he turns it around that he and I see things so differently, and he can't undersand where I get these thoughts. yet when I look into his eyes or try to hug him, he says, "that's enough". He gets uncomfortable with our being close.

Nagging is a very serious and leading cause of ED. It relates to hateful, nagging women circumcizing their infant males in a cycle of abuse that ends in marital nagging and lack of sex due to depression or poor health.

I am 56 and my husband of 1 year is 53. It was 4 nights before we consummated the marriage and then only made love 3 times in a 3 month period. I got fed up with trying and lying there thinking when will it happen. I told him I was fed up and that I did not want to have sex anymore and that he was now a companion and not a husband. He did not like it however neither did he go to GP to get checked out.
I love him but it has put a wedge between us and at times I am bitter towards him. I fight it as I do not intend to end the marriage it is just that I am very tactile and we just don't touch or kiss anymore. We kiss hello and goodbye but not romantically. I am turned on by the romance of the marriage and now that this has gone I feel rejected and unattractive. I am a modern professional lady with my own business and grown up children. I could be independent again as I was prior to meeting him. I am not sex mad I just love the romance and satisfaction feeling of being intimate with just one person, doing to them and vice versa what we would not do with anyone else... I cope most of the time just occasionally I could RIP HIS HEAD OFF!!!!

A sexless marriage is not usually a mutually agreed-upon decision. One partner unilaterally refuses sex to the other. In these cases, I don't think it should be considered cheating when the denied partner seeks sex outside the marriage. In fact, the refusing partner should give their blessing to do so.

I totally agree. Since sex is really the one thing that is supposed to be totally exclusive in a marriage, if you refuse that to your spouse, you have essentially broken your marriage vows.

As a common sense matter, you'd have to be a fool to expect that your spouse is going to remain involuntarily celibate. Yet I do see a number of people have exactly that expectation -- and that includes otherwise intelligent people too, amazingly enough.

But on the other hand, forcing your partner to sleep with you when they do not want to have sex is rape. The ideal solution is for the two people to discuss the reasons why one of them doesn't enjoy sex any more--and to get back to a place where both are mutually interested in each other. Pressuring your partner to have sex by telling them they're betraying their vows, or by threatening infidelity, is not likely to be an effective route to a happy solution for both parties.

Yes, the ideal solution is for two people to discuss the reasons. But it's not always the case that in long-term sexless relationships, they haven't even thought of sitting down and discussing the matter, or haven't thought of going to therapy. In fact, the reason why sexless relationships sometimes become long is because they have stuck with it, tried talking, tried therapy, etc. The reality is that talking and therapy do not always get you back to a place of "mutual interest in each other". As has often been stated, this kind of discrepancy is one of the most difficult things to fix in couples therapy. It is often not the result of simply failing to have a simple talk.

Also, I think you'd agree that infidelity is probably more acceptable than rape. And for many people, considering the affects it has on children, etc., if the couple still enjoys each other as friends, solutions such as a tacitly approved lover, etc. are not unusual situations, though they are usually not openly advertised in American society.

Oh, I think about that often but have already made so many marital mistakes over the years....divorces. So I have about decided I am just not capable of a solid marriage where someone really wants to be with me, touch me, be intimate without me demanding it and ruinging everything. I am attractive, not overweight, work 40 hours a week, have no children, and love to have laughs. Finding a partner shoudl not be that difficult, but at 61 I have about decided to settle and shut up.....my husband says I am too old to want sex anyway.....we just don't see eye-to-eye on that. But, he does visit adult websites and view explicit photos of women other than myself......found him doing that one day when I cam ehome early from work.....and have found the photos on the computer.....not to mention all his old girlfriends' photos still in the closet but he did remove them he'd scanned on the computer.....but holds it against me that I wanted that done. Anyway, I could go on forever. But I just can't have an affair. My heart would just get broken. Again. And someone else's family might be hurt.

For saying that a 61-year-old woman is too old to want sex, that automatically qualifies your husband as a true ignoramus, or just a mean person.

But his behavior might also be a cover for his own difficulties. He might be afraid reveal that he has ED difficulties, which is very likely if he's in his 60's and is overweight, doesn't exercise, smokes cigarettes, etc.

You should suggest going to therapy together. If he won't go, you should tell him you're going alone.

Then you should go to therapy by yourself, and tell him you're going. Sometimes spouses change their minds when they realize someone is going to the therapist to tell "their side of the story" and that his side won't be told unless he's there.

As for him telling you you need to find someone else, ask him if that means he's OK with an open marriage. Not suggesting you do anything, but just ask the question -- it might make him think more about the situation.

I am a 46 year old woman, married for 17 years (we married when I was 30) to a 45 year old healthy man who is not ill, very healthy, and still has the ability to achieve erection. Sex has never been an intregal part of our marriage, or courtship. We have discussed my unhappiness and displeasure about this since we dated. I fit into the section of marriages where I feel I have more to lose than gain by leaving my marriage. I have a best friend who is completely respectful, supportive, kind, mature, and is very successful in his work, as was I before we chose for me to be a SAHM to our now 10 year old children. He is a wonderful and involved father and we have the same attitudes about raising our children. We have no debt and are comfortably prepared financially for our future.
2 years ago, I was so very depressed I was ready to divorce. We sought counseling, both separately and jointly. He has discovered that his reluctance for sex is anxiety related: he has an internal fear of disappointing me sexually. We have had sex approximately 100 times in our 17 year marriage. The last 7 years have been completely without any sexual contact outside of peck-kisses and hugs. While the sex we have had has been un satisfying for me, I have always tried to suggest ways to help my satisfaction in positive and non-blaming ways. I believe he has sexual attitudes that need addressing. Before we were married, he found a vibrator that I owned but had not shared with him yet, and his reaction was to try to shame me about it. He has only really sought counseling help in a Buddism fashion where he tries to be more present. When we have had sex in the past, I have felt unconnected because he seems to withdraw within himself during and after. I have been left feeling both sexually and emotionally unfulfilled.
Due to my years of hurt, anger, and disappointment of allowing myself to be in this situation for so long, I no longer desire sex with him, and have told him this. I have suggested that he tell me any sexual feelings and desires he has, and he can't communicate more than to say he does want to have sex. That is the extent of description he gives, and I have responded that I need more insight into the details of his desires. I have suggested he look for help about his sexual desires anyway he can - counseling, reading books, viewing porn, even having an affair. He hasn't approached the topic in any way. I have suggested that we begin an open marriage so that I can have discreet affairs as my sexual outlet. Surprise, he didn't go for that suggestion. (I have had 2 short lived affairs, which he does not know about as far as I know.). Although he says he wants to improve our intimacy, he has let the last 2 years go by without proactively approaching me with any talk or sexual advances. To me, this screams that he is comfortable to remain as-is.
Divorce is very unappealing to me. I very much enjoy our family unit interaction, him as a friendly partner, and our lifestyle. His quality as a man outside of sexuality are rare, and I I feel grateful to be his wife. I do feel very depressed about my situation, however, and much of my inner joy has been overshadowed by my disappointment of where I am in life.
I would love to hear input how I can improve my own outlook. My counselor sees me as being emotionally competent and has seen that I communicate to my husband all of the things I have written here clearly and mostly in a positive way without undue blame. I have attempted to set deadlines and goals on "status updates" so we stay on track addressing this issue. Honestly, I have lapsed into silent complacency once again. I need to find a way to move away from my disappointment and disgust of where I am if I am choosing to remain married. Any suggestions for my own improvement would be greatly welcomed.

Anonymous, your situation sounds heartbreaking. Sadly, the fact that your husband's low desire was a problem even during courtship leads me to believe that things are not going to change. I hope you will stop hoping he'll change and decide for yourself what you need to do to have a satisfying life.

I spent 6 years in a sexless marriage when I was in my early 20s. It was horrible. My ex-husband also claimed 'performance anxiety' and fear of disappointing me. Bullshit. His refusal to have sex gave him power over me, kept me groveling and begging for his affection. Divorcing him was one of the very best decisions I ever made.

My wife and I stopped having sex a few years after we got married. I simply was no longer sexually attracted to her and this caused me not to be able to perform sexually with her. I suggested an open marriage and she would have none of it dooming us both to a sexless life. That was over 20 years ago. I wish she was more like you and seeing a husband who wasn't interested in her sexually, allow him (and herself) to seek sex elsewhere. I didn't want another relationship just sex. I haven't felt the touch of a woman for over two decades now.

I have seen couples practicing celibacy in very early age. Most of them do so on the basis of understanding that there is more joy in the soul within than in sex. Interestingly, many of these couples are foreigners apart from Indians. According to the celibate couples who I know, they are inspired from:

The proper term is "chastity" when one is married and refrains from sexual relations.

Celibacy is being in an unmarried state. It is for priests, nuns and others (even single people) and the like with whom rely on a built in social support to maintain said celibacy.

Marriage is not the proper institution to live out one's sexless life unless BOTH agree. And that is very rare.

Marriage however does provide a boatload of legal, social legitimacy, financial perks so those couples you say practicing sexlessness (if they are married anyway) are probably accessing perks through the institution of marriage.