Tuesday, January 31, 2012

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

She says they only want one thing (uh, my...brain??), they’re usually drunks and after they buy you a few drinks, they make you feel like you owe them something.

And my mom says that once they GET YOU DRUNK, you’re more likely to agree to do something that you wouldn’t normally do...like go to Waffle House.

I disagreed with her. “I’ve met plenty of guys at bars!” I said. “Reese Witherspoon met her husband at a bar!”

But my mom doesn’t buy it.

Throughout my dating life, every time I’d tell her I met someone at a bar, she’d exhale loudly and suggest I join a professional group that hosts “mixers” instead.

What was she shielding me from??

What does she know that I don’t know?

I found out last week. She was shielding me from guys like Adam, who met my friend Amy at a bar one night.

He was good-looking, charming and up for a conversation. Amy lived near the bar where they met and had walked in for a nightcap.

Amy and Adam ended up talking for over an hour. He bought her a few beers, was interesting and she actually liked him.

When it was time to go home, they exchanged numbers before Amy began her one-block-walk.

Adam insisted he could give her a ride but she said no, she lived less than a block away and she was fine.

She vaguely remembers him protesting, but she was drunk and tired and made it home, alone, with little fuss.

She woke up the next day, smiling about the cute guy who got her number last night.

She looked at her phone and saw that he had ALREADY CALLED...late last night. A smile spread across her face as she dialed voicemail to hear what he had to say.

A proper date perhaps?

Was it to say that he LOVED meeting her and enjoyed their conversation?

Her smile quickly faded once she heard his opening line:

“I can’t BELIEVE that I spent $50 on you and you wouldn’t even let me bring you home,” Adam said, in a calm, yet manic tone.

(She played me the voicemail. She played all of us the voicemail.)

I laughed out loud when I heard it. Was he really saying aloud that if he spends $50 on drinks for a girl, she’s expected to go home with him? He couldn't have insinuated it? Like, "We spent an HOUR together and you suddenly ditched me!"

No.

He used dollars and cents.

“YOUR LEVEL OF DISRESPECT IS STUNNING,” he said, as we laughed even harder.

“UNBELIEVBLE,” he said. “YOU’RE UNBELIEVEABLE.”

Bahahahaha

I found it ironic that he talked about HER being disrespectful when he was suggesting that she could be bought for $50 worth of beer.

The message went on and on. Adam was pissed. And crazy.

He used choice words like “stunning” and “intolerable” and ended the message with a classic “FUCK YOU, BITCH.”

Even though we all got a huge kick out of the voicemail that was put on repeat, Amy was shocked and embarrassed. And I felt bad for her, too, because he seemed totally normal.

How annoying!

She had even woken up with a smile on her face about his potential!!!

This week I’m gonna see if she wants to go to a professional mixer with me.