After a seven year stint on Saturday Night Live, his main contribution being the Interwebizing of the archaic, yet occasionally (rarely) still legit great sketch comedy mainstay, professional silly person and Digital Shorts pioneer Andy Samberg is leaving for greener pastures, spurred by Kristen Wiig's recent departure: "[Wiig] kept saying it just feels like it's her time... I connect with that. Something about it just feels like it's the moment. My contract's up and I did so much more than I ever thought I would ever even do. It's an incredibly emotional and strange moment in my life... Obviously it's not a huge shock, but I did officially decide not to come back." We estimate at least a 75% decrease in the fanfare and/or tears factor since the show's off the air for the summer. The other two parts of Samberg's collective The Lonely Island, poached from Los Angeles by Lorne Michaels (Jorma Taccone, SNL writer, and Akiva Schaeffer, shorts director) are ostensibly staying on.

As for Samberg's plans, he stars this month in MermanThat's My Boy with Adam Sandler, a comedy that looks broad enough to circle the earth thrice and then kick it in the nads. Also, as far as Google knows, Samberg is also still dating Joanna Newsom, which is especially weird when you realize that some of those esoteric chocolate harp truffles that are Joanna Newsom's songs are probably about the "Dick In A Box" guy. [NY Times]

Justin Bieber fell asleep during The Hunger Games because Katniss shot an arrow dipped in tranquilizers into his thigh. [Gather Celebs]

Also: but hark, what light through yonder window breaks? It is an aloft and glorious Beebz, serenading the plebes from a Parisian balcony. [Chicago Tribune]

Chilled-out female-Jack-Johnsony singer/songwriter Colbie Caillat was being all chilllll on stage and everything was real chilled-out and summery and shit until THE BUGS CAME. [Contact Music]

Jessica Simpson is about to start Weight Watchers and is fucking psyched, y'all. [NYDN]

Tom Hardy is looking good these days, if the definition of "good" is "like a character in the third act of the movie when he has just made a shocking scientific breakthrough after months of obsessive research and nobody believes him and his wife decides to stay with her mother for awhile." [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]

Superhots Zoe Saldana and Bradley Cooper might be back together. In other news, I recently cried while eating Cheez-Its and took a picture of myself doing it because I felt like it was actually a level of pathetic that nobody would believe when I joked about it the next day. :( [Digital Spy

David Beckham wants two more kids, but don't tell Easy V, who doesn't come for free (she's a real lady). [Express]

After a performance, Susan Boyle began "screaming and weeping" when she didn't get her Burger King takeout on time, which is kind of... weirdly understandable? [Contact Music]

Russell Brand on touching dick tips with Tom Cruise: "'Tom bought me a really nice birthday present, with all of my favourite things. He gave me a nice new yoga mat and cooked me nice food. He bought me all of my favourite foods. I thought, 'How does he know all of this stuff?' He was like Father Christmas.'' [Contact Music]

David Hasselhoff wants to star in a remake of Gone With The Wind with Rachel Rice. "You mean Rachel Weisz?" asked the interviewer. Replied Hasselhoff, "Oh, yeah. Oof! I think she's hot." [Moviefone]

Kate Moss's new dog is pissing all over her house, which she should really be used to from dating Pete Doherty. [Contact Music]

And here is the cast of the 1984 Soviet-boogieman flick Red Dawn then and now. Look how cute Jennifer Grey, Patrick Swayze, Lea Thompson and Charlie Sheen are. [Too Fab]

While promoting Snow White And The Huntsman, Kristen Stewart admitted that interviews can be fun/not like rape. [Digital Spy]

Crooning ringwraith Adam Levine continues to fuck his way through the Victoria's Secret catalogue, I continue to get the feeling that Adam Levine wears skinny jeans are so low-rise that he gets that weird butt crack gap thing when he sits down. [NYDN]

Jon Edwards' former mistress Rielle Hunter is writing a tell-all. Slap a Lorrie Moore dust jacket on it and take it to the beach. Ride or die. [Bossip]