Elmagnifico wrote:IVascus will make noises like thunder, in whatever method he chooses and is most funny. This will spook both his horse, and the horse pulling the carriage. While the first dies of shock and squishes his master into a green paste, the other will immediately gallop foward, causing the top soldier to fall off and die on his own axeblade.

Elmagnifico wrote:I'd like to clarify my orders a bit. By "Green Paste", I mean one of those Awful Green Things From Outer Space.

Using an ancient monkey method and a Trickster Feat, IVascus pigs out and crams the fish, apple, and banana down his throat, resulting in massive intestinal gas buildup. This is released with a sound like a gunshot reverberating off the cliffs.

His horse is startled by the noise and enraged by the loss of the apple and banana. He stomps IVascus into paste (damage 6 vs. armor 4).

The Vladtron horse is also startled and rushes forward, doing enough Knockback to send IVascus's horse flying off the battlefield and then stomping on IVascus even more. (The IVascus paste will roll another Feat next turn to determine its fate.)

The ground troop Bails to avoid getting run over; the roof troop fails to hold on but succeeds in tossing his axe away to avoid landing on it. He easily survives the minimal falling damage. Stalin was leaning on the cart but manages to avoid falling over.

PsyberianHusky wrote:Stalin will put the barrel on like a glove to make an medieval un-powered power fist and focus all of his might into punching the guard leaning against the wagon in the direction of the horse.

The first guard is now too far away for Stalin to reach, but the fellow from the roof is Disrupted and within easy distance. Stalin leaps up with his barrelfist and smashes the helpless trooper's head into the ground. Even with double damage and a smash bonus, Stalin rolls poorly and only manages to match the trooper's armor, not exceed it.

The trooper recovers his wits and jumps up to grab his axe and take a whack at Stalin. Stalin raises his shield to block, but it's unnecessary; the trooper fails his attack roll. Stalin counterattacks with his barrel fist and explodes the trooper's face.

As the barrel crumbles from the force of the blow, the other Vladtrooper recovers and rushes up to axe Stalin as well. Stalin has already used up all his counters, so he can't block the trooper's successful attack. The Vladtroop does 8 damage, Stalin rolls 12 armor - he survives easily!

END OF TURN SUMMARY: ELMAGNIFICO AND PSYBERIANHUSKYIVascus is a green paste and Stalin is kicking ass for the motherland. Ready for Turn 2 orders!

Silent-sigfig wrote:I want stalin to pull something out of the barrel, and throw it at the horse.

Oh, and use an IRON KURTAIN to kill the catapult guy.

Stalin reaches into the barrel and pulls out the IRON KURTAIN ROD.

He chucks it out the horse, with great rolls for range and damage. The horse's head explodes.

Warhead wrote:IVascus throws the apple and the fish at the Vladtrooper that's still alive. In an attempt at intimidation IVascus shouts at the Vladtrooper that he is about to get banana buggered and charges at him holding the banana in a suggestive manner. If the Vladtroop hasn't run off, shoot him with the banana (shout things like Kapow! Bang! Bang! and stuff) and when he's looking totally bewildered and confused IVascus chops his head off with the sword.

Meanwhile, IVascus runs up and chucks the apple and fish at the Vladtrooper. Which is to say, he drops them on the ground, crit-failing both the rolls for range. He tries to say something about banana sodomy, but the guard is already completely unimpressed.

The roof trooper decides the catapult is too inaccurate for antipersonnel attacks, and decides to pick up one of the magic firebombs himself to throw at Stalin. Sure it'll burn him if he picks it up, but 1d6 fire damage is a small price to pay for a more accurate attack.

But bonus dice turn 1d6 into 14 points of damage! The trooper explodes!

He drops the firebomb, but its explosion roll is weak, damaging no one.

The ground trooper is disgruntled about the death of his horse and charges Stalin. He hits, doing 9 damage; Stalin forgets he has a skill of 1d8 and fails to block with his shield. It's all right though; he rolls 13 for armor and survives.

END OF TURN SUMMARY, SILENT-SIGFIG AND WARHEAD:One Vladtroop down, one to go; it might be time to start using real weapons. Ready for Turn 2 orders!

Vladtroop#1 looks around and is about to ask his buddy above if he ordered one, when Stalin uses this opportunity to smash his fist through the barrel and grab Vladtroop#1's exposed throat. Combine Stalin's super bear power and his kung-fu grip, the Vladtroop's head explodes from the pressure.

In celebration, Stalin pisses into the body's open cavity while laughing gleefully.

End turn.

[note that there is no strategical advantage to punching through the barrel. it just looks cooler]

Stalin makes a fake keg delivery. Rather than being confused, the Vladtroop's love of kegs makes him quite pleased. Stalin panics because things are not going according to plan, and decides to punch the trooper through the keg anyway!

Unfortunately he blows the roll and just ends up swinging the keg drunkenly. The Vladtroop catches it with an understanding look and says "kthx." This makes Stalin even angrier and he draws his sword, but that's all he can do this turn.

moronstudios wrote:IVascus will jugle the banana and fish while riding at the vlad troopers. He will frontflip onto the carrage and smack the guy onto to death. he will use the power of running-side-to-side to cause the carrage to tip over and fall on the second one.

With exactly the same results - the fish hits but does no damage, and the Vladtroop's counterattack is devastating.

The ground troop says "Wait a minute! I didn't order a keg of DECAPITATED JELLYBEAN HEAD!"

He attacks Stalin, who once again forgets that he has 1d8 Skill. He fails to block with his shield or counterattack as a result. Nonetheless, he survives the attack with a fine armor roll. (I may go back next turn and re-roll the missed counterattack, retroactively.)

The roof troop tries his luck again with the aerial attack, somewhat less gracefully this time.

But misses completely. Fortunately he survives the falling damage.

END OF TURN SUMMARY, booty bothered AND MORONSTUDIOS:Bad luck for IVascus, and Stalin is locked in combat with one rightside-up and one upside-down Vladtroop. Ready for Turn 2 orders!

Stalin is pissed that his magnificent plan failed. He goes into a frenzy and attacks Vladtroop#1 with his GIANT SWORD OF DOOM (ignoring the fallen Vladtroop who is still dazed and confused from his fall). Hack and slash ensues. Hopefully some dismemberment as well.

Arkbrik wrote:My personal opinion is that both Xbox and PS suck, and you should get a life or download Nethack.

Stalin the Bear: Uses a Communistic Feat to call open the Gates of Communist Hell (lots of fire and blood coming forth) and throws the carriage into it. Meanwhile, he uses his Mustachioed Broadsword of Doom to cleave the other warrior's skull in half, use it to worship the Great Stalin (himself), and summon a Greater Demon of himself to pull a prank on IVascus by putting a demonic spell on him and forcing him to kiss Stalin's ass. FOREVAH!!!

Greenkey15 wrote:Stalin the Bear: Uses a Communistic Feat to call open the Gates of Communist Hell (lots of fire and blood coming forth) and throws the carriage into it. Meanwhile, he uses his Mustachioed Broadsword of Doom to cleave the other warrior's skull in half, use it to worship the Great Stalin (himself), and summon a Greater Demon of himself to pull a prank on IVascus by putting a demonic spell on him and forcing him to kiss Stalin's ass. FOREVAH!!!