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First , I wanna thank you all (In order of reply not to hust sensibilities : Frenchpat, Angels4kelly, Appleboy, Eldon, ERIC, Madalena and Nunofor and the very kind person who sent me a PM) your kind words. I'll update you on what happened from my last post.

My last friday without medicines didn't go as planned. The 2 friends with whom I was going to go partying, both got sick. So I was alone in my friday night. I felt really sad. but I tried to cheer up a little, and got dressed (While hearing Queer-As-Folk soundrtrack), and went on a date with a guy (I told him I was +). We went to a disco, but the guy turned out to be one of those "freak-dates". So i came back home at 6 am, completely exhausted, feeling sad, and alone.

A very dear friend of mine (one of the few who know I am bisexual), was calling me ...But I was evading his calls, because I felt somewhat strange hiding him the fact of my recent HIV discovery. So I decided to call him today, And told him I needed to talk to him about something important. So we met to have lunch together.

When I got to his office (He was working today), I simply closed the door, and drop it. He couldn't believe it. So we talked a lot about it, and about where I am right now. He got pretty sad, and well, I was already sad, so (Once again) I got teary.

He invited me to have lunch at his house, and he was completely supportive. But, then, when He asked the same questions(treatment, infections, what a heck is a CD4, etc, etc) , I shocked again with my reality. And that was tough. We were together all the afternoon, and cried a lot. Damn, this is soooo difficult. he said he felt so impotent. So unable of helping me. He kept asking me if there wasn't any chance, any clinical studies about getting rid of the infection forever. And I had to tell him that there was no (AFAIK) such an option. He said that we had to do something, that this was not possible, not to me. But yes, It is possible. I have HIV

I know perfectly well, that being sad, and crying and the whole depressive environment affects my inmune system. But Jesus, I cannot help it. Why do we have to even lose our basic right to feel bad, and cry for that?

I saw him so shocked, that i apologized to him, telling him that he deserved to know my truth, that this was the reason why I was not answering his calls, nor returning messages. He said he did understand.

After being in all this with him for something like 8 hours, then I had to come back home. I had to pick up and put together the fragments of me, that were all scattered to the wind on the afternoon. And I had the very bad luck of having one of those extended-family-invasions. So my house was all full with aunts, uncles, cousins, etc, etc. Jesus, It's already difficult to make a happy-face to my mom, just to have to do the same performance for 10 people. I felt like I was going to crack any minute> So I went to the only place no one would follow me. The restroom. And stayed there for almost 40 mins. Trying to breath, and calm myself down.

They finally have just left. I thought they would never leave. I managed to get to my room, lock the door, and cry as hell. Again. Just had to put my stereo kinda loud, so no one would hear me.

Well, what can I say? My weekend hasn't been the one I wanted at all. Plus, I forgot it's holiday on monday, So I wil have to wait another day to start my medication (because my doctor told me to wait for him to come back from AIDS-Toronto conference, to start my treatment). And I forgot to tell you...i am feeling some strange pain on my stomach and the area where I think my kidneys are. I have been with this pain all the past week. I thought It was my mind playing with me...But the pain doesn't go anywhere, So I decided not to go to a regular doctor, but to wait for my ID.

Sorry for not giving good news guys...But you are the only people I have that is able of fully understand me.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE (And taking the time to read my so long posts).

Hello Alex. Sorry you had a sad day. They will get better. It has been 6 months for me since finding out. Each month has been better for me. I felt a strange urge to want to tell everybody in the beginning. I don't know why. I didn't want people to think I was acting all weird for no reason. Don't do it. I ended up only telling those around me that I know I could count on for friendship and support. That was a good decision. They got me through the first few months, and now I stand on my own and only share when I think it's right. And a lot of good people on aidsmeds.com helped me a LOT. I will forever respect this Internet site and all the people in it for being there for me in ways that even my friends could not do (and they are great friends). Take a deep breath, get some sleep, and stay busy. Things can and do get better if you let them.

Hello Alex, it is Eldon. You are more than welcome for the the reply that I gave you. This is what AM is all about...unconditional support.

I understand that you are going through a tough time right now and it is good that you want to talk things out. I am sorry to hear that your date last Friday turned out to be a freak show. You deserve more than what he was up to anyway, and things do happen for a reason. We both have had nights like that at the club in the past...some nights are impecibably social on scene and others were just as dull with the music playing.

As for your friend, and fate was calling you to see how you were doing. It was a good thing that you did pick up the phone and call him back and told him you wanted to meet him for lunch because you had something important to discuss with him. You were/are full of mixed emotions right now concerning the initial shock of testing HIV positive. You wanted to express youself and this is why you told your friend right when you got to his office.

His questions about your CD4's and etc.. were out of concern mainly because he wasn't so educated on the topic. You needed to spend the afternoon with someone, to be their so that you could have a shoulder to cry on. This is good because as I found out initially with my diagnosis, I cried and I cried after I said no way this could happen to me, in the past. It will take some time for you to heal so to speak. It is OK to cry and let it all out, it is sort of a cleansing for your soul.

Situations did not improve themselves after you left your friends house to go home to a house full of relatives. The last thing you wanted to do is be social and that is understandable concerning your situation. Your emotions were/are running very high and your anxiety did not help either at the time. You then needed to have the time alone by yourself, which is what you did after your relatives left your home.

Although your weekend did not turn out the way you wanted it to, you are still here and in one piece and this is all that matters; there are plenty more weekends to come. If your Doctor said wait for him until he returned from the conference then do so, he must have a reason. The stomach pains that you are experiencing could be your nerves right now. It is good to have your Doctor check it out when he returns from his trip.

I can certainly relate to what you are going through right now. Stick to your support system and make it even stronger. Remember, what you do today dictates tomorrow and your future. Alex, you are in my thoughts and prayers that things will work themselves out for you (in it's own time).

You have the support you need right here. Also, if needed you can make an appointment with your therapist so that you can have some one in person to talk to. Cheer Up! Tomorrow will be a brighter day; I am sending some of my sunshine your way today!

You do NOT have to feel bad about feeling sad. We would hardly be human if we didn't experience grief and sadness. And, speaking for myself, sometimes a good cry does me a world of good. Funny, the older I get, the more I'm allowing myself to cry; in my teens and twenties I used to bottle it all in.

Jay

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Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

I am sorry that your weekend was not the party you wanted. And as for the sad feelings and crying, I think it happens to all of us, however hardened. I did hardly cry for 30 years and have been a real fountain at times, ever since diagnosed.

Alex, there will be many more weekends to have parties in the future, so this one was just a missed opportunity - but it contained a gem: a friend who now knows and will love and support you in your life with the unwelcome virus. And then there is us, here, anytime, 24/7/365

hey Alex, I promise things get better. However you feel is completely normal. I found out in November 05 and I live in a VERY small town. I have no support system except coming to these forums. The people in these forums have helped me more than all other sources of info combined! Good luck and know that you are going to be fine!Love,Sam in 'bama

HI Alex sorry to hear you had a bad weekend. I do think it is good that you were able to tell your friend of your diagnosis, a real friend will not desert you. He may not be educated about HIV but thats where you can educate. I myself find it very helpful to my well being to educate others, if it wasnt for me having HIV I probaly would not be as educated myself. And for crying all eekend, it sucks but it is good that you cand feel the pain, anger, and whatever else you are feeling. I have been diagnosed since July of 1994, And I still have my days where I just need to cry and ask why me. When I get done crying I usually feel better And every time I feel the need to tell a freind of my status there is always that fear that I will be rejected as a "diseased person". But I have yet to meet a person who has shunned me. Some seem to understand a little more than others. But we all need a support system of some kind and I am glad that you have this site to go to, and now your freind who sounds like he realy cares about you will be there for you. I wish you all the best , and it does get better. Rachel

Crying is an important expression of emotion, Alex. The idea that men aren't supposed to cry is just bunk. It's like laughing, frowning, smiling, etc. Cry as much as you need to. If you're crying so much though that you feel inconsolable, however, it might be a good time to find some support to help you through the rough spots. Everything in moderation, my mother always says. Smart lady!

Thank you all (TexasGuy -you be carefull, I have a weakness for cowboys - Eldon, Lidgate, Frenchpat, GuyInSouthAla -I am here for you as well man-, PooBear, Welington -Say hello to your mom from me-, and Bobik -It took me a lot to understand your hugs..And when I did, I couldn't stop feeling great-)

Jesus, what a wonderful lessons I am learning in the middle of this chaos called HIV.