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Was I Enough?

My daughter started 5th grade. The last year of elementary school. Every time I think about it, I get a lump in my throat, my eyes fill with tears and my chest constricts.

I’m sitting by her bed as I write. She’s asleep. Blissfully unaware of the mother falling to pieces beside her.

How did this happen? How did she get so big, so fast?

She looks like a person. A real, full-grown person. Not a child. Not a baby. Just a person.

And as I look at her, I wonder. Did I do it all right? Who am I kidding. I know I didn’t do it all right. Did I do anything right?I yelled too much. I know that. And got annoyed at the little things. I know I complained and wished the days to move faster, faster.

And now they have.

And I would give anything to have them back. Rewind the clock. Do it all again. Do it right this time. A second chance. Well, maybe without the sleepless nights and constant butt wiping. Actually, forget going backwards. Those days were hard. And lonely. But if I could stop time now. Freeze us all in place, I would.

My mind spins. Regret. Pride. Sadness. Hope. Questions. A million questions. Did I spend enough time with her? Did I spend the right kind of time with her? Was I present enough? I was there, every day, but was it enough?

Was I enough?

All I know is that I love her. I will always love her. Have always loved her. With every fiber of my being. I hope she knows that.

I hope she knows that I did my best. Despite my failings as a mother. My faults. My foibles. I hope she knows above all else, she is loved.

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Comments

Absolutely Completely Totally Unequivocally YES. I’m right there with you. And our relationship already feels so rocky, how in the who-ville will I survive the next 8-10 years or longer until she likes me again!?

Thank you for writing this wonderful article. My 5th grade daughter just started school, I’m in the same boat, wishing I can freeze time for a few years. I’m bawling as I read it over and over because you wrote everything I was feeling the last two days. Thank You!

I feel the exact same way sending my kids off to Kindergarten this year. We have been home together the last 6 years of their life. It feels like I didn’t enjoy our time together enough. As often as I’ve joked about sending them to school “all day” I am going to really miss them, and I worry if I prepared them enough.

You have expressed into words what has been on my mind VERY much. My daughter just started kindergarten and I have been a sahm from day one. She’s almost 5yo but is the size of a 7-8yo (she has a sister that is 8) so when you say she looks like a person, this really hit home. Thank you for saying it out loud.

My daughter just started first grade, but I know time is going to fly and she’ll be going to junior high before we know it. Thanks for the reminder to take it all in, because it really does happen so fast. Already went through elementary with my oldest son (7th grade now, one more year and ill have a high school student!), and it’s so crazy high much they grow in that time. They start out still small and than by fifth grade they are mini adults…sigh

Deva, beautiful post. My son, an only child, starts kindergarten next week. I’m sad, so sad. I don’t know what I’ve done right, if anything….don’t know if we’ll give him a sibling…don’t know how time has flown by… Seems just yesterday that I was trying to get his bottle ready. 😭😭😭😭