[Editor's Note: This essay was written on
November 2, before the election results became known]

In
the first place, I would like to thank Osama Bin Laden, formerly of Riyadh,
Saudi Arabia, Tora Bora, Afghanistan, all kinds of “caves” in that part of
the world and now, clearly, a very comfortable room, somewhere, that any
little Arab with video equipment can run into and out of at will.

Whew! I don’t know about
you, but I don’t believe in this “intelligence” stuff. I think Bin Laden has
intelligence of his own, and that it’s something our own “intelligence”
people can’t fathom.

In fact, I’m sure this is
true. Bin Laden is precisely attuned to the things that turn Americans into
maniacs.

“I will tell you about the
reasons behind these attacks,” he says in his latest tape, “and will tell
you the truth about the moments during which the decision was made, for you
to contemplate.”

Contemplate? Goddamn. We
all do yoga, and run, and exercise, and meditate, and sweat, and clap
ourselves on the back, and forego starch and carbs. And try to be faithful,
if we possibly can, to our spouses – although, when you come down to it,
what’s the harm in falling short of any of these goals? We’re trying,
you see? And if there’s one of us – even one of us – who’d give up
“lifestyle” to meet the rest of the world head-on, that person should speak
up now. Because Bin Laden thinks there isn’t.

“Even as you enter the
fourth year after the Sept. 11 attacks,” he says, “Bush is still misleading
and deluding you.” Bush is confusing you. Bush is counting on you to be a
frightened little rabbit, which – if he's won this election – you are.

My deadline is such that I
can’t know the winner of the presidential race by the time the text is put
in. Still, in these last days, I note two things:

1) Bush is strutting around pretending that
“Freedom is on the march.”

2) Kerry, whose advisors are the sorriest lot
of paid incompetents since Edsel Ford’s, is catching footballs on film. This
is the first, last and permanent sign of his weakness. Bush can be glad that
he was opposed by such a nothing – a public ball-catcher – so that he might
look better in comparison.

Deep breath!

It’s the first time in this
column that I’ve said what I really think about John Kerry. I’ve avoided
attacking or criticizing him, because I’m one of those “Anyone But Bush”
people, and would rather see Courtney Love, Winona Ryder, Scott Peterson –
any failure you can think of – as president before Mrs. Bush’s little boy.

Thus, as I say, I’m
grateful to Osama Bin Laden, for giving me something to write about at a
time in American life when there is nothing left to say. “Osama Bin,” I
should call him, the way Texans do -- “Billy Bob,” “Johnny Frank,” “Tammy
Sue,” etc. Half of my family is from Texas – my father’s half -- and I can
assure you that he was called “Billy Fred” all of his life, until my mother
met him and knocked him upside the head.

You can also be sure that,
if they really wanted to capture Osama Bin Laden, they could have done it by
now. This is your “October Surprise.”

I went back through my
archives today to see when the name of George W. Bush first entered this
column, and in which context. To my surprise, I find that it was already in
April 1998, when the repulsive Senator Trent Lott (R.-Miss), before he was
sent packing for “racism,” declared that “homosexuality” was the equivalent
of “alcoholism, or sex addiction, or kleptomania." And it was Dubya, believe
it or not, at that time governor of Texas, who asked him to shut up, “urging
all Republicans,” as the record states, “to focus on our common goal of
electing Republicans based on our conservative philosophy."

In other words, fool them
now, trick them later – the essence of the Bush regime. Dubya didn’t show up
in my essays again for another year (1999), when the Ten Commandments,
hanging on the walls of public buildings, “suddenly” raised a ruckus, and he
came out to talk about his piety, and I persisted in believing, in the face
of every news report, that the Bush family’s purpose is about something
other than God.

“Can you believe all the
money flying around?” I wrote. “Neither can I. Texas Governor George `W’
Bush pokes his head around the corner and $35 million spews forth like Old
Faithful – just like that! -- the largest wad of cash any candidate for
president has so far amassed to buy an election.”

We can all fall down
laughing, now, knowing that our politics have become about nothing
but money. By February 2000 I was already reduced to diatribe:

“Dubya” Bush won the Republican straw poll in
Iowa on Saturday because, frankly, money is no object, and, frankly, money
is no object.

Bush has been all but crowned already by a
media that can’t find enough wrong with Al Gore. His candidacy will
doubtless survive the continuing question, burning to all Americans, of his
“former cocaine use.” That he has also used what everyone, ducking their
heads and tugging at their forelocks, calls “the f-word,” in an interview
with Tucker Carlson in Tina Brown’s Talk magazine, only increases his
appeal. That he is dumb as a post seems to matter to no one.

Steve Forbes came in second in the Iowa poll,
because he offered lollipops, Debby Boone, and an air-conditioned tent to
the people he’d bussed, fed and paid to vote for him. Anyone who came to the
poll at Forbes’ expense was required to sign a document saying, "I, the
undersigned, pledge to support Steve Forbes." There is a certain honesty in
this approach. You get what you pay for.

Right. And if you’ve had
your eyes open, or read anything, or been anywhere in this last year, you’ll
know that this is exactly what Bush and his goons now require of anyone who
wants to come near him. You have to sign a document – do you understand? --
pledging your support. And, if you don’t, you’ll end up arrested for
“disorderly conduct.”

But this isn’t my concern
anymore. A stupid people deserve a stupid fate. And the course of American
democracy, no matter who wins the presidency, will be determined more by
Osama than by us.