Message Boards

Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Has the fire gone out in your love life? Share your ways to reignite romance in your relationship.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

One more thing.

You know the really sad thing is neither of us has had an affair. We just can't seem to get back on track this time. I know that I love him and am totally willing. He says he does not know how he feels. What am I to read from that? I keep begging him for one reason not to go and he can not seem to give it to me. Thank you for your prayers. My husband was, not so long ago a minister. It is really sad that he is going through this. I've no idea what to do to help him come out of this. I've remained by his side all these years and am feeling guilty about leaving now. But how can I stay when I am dying on the inside?

Ask him if he would like to go on a date. Plan a nice evening. I suspect, because of the young kids in your house that you are not spending enough hubby/wife time. When that goes really well, that will help break the ice too. Do some things that you would have done when you were dating. Like, hold his hand in public out of the blue. Give him a kiss in the grocery store. Do something that you remember that you both like when there were not kids around. These things do not have to cost much. Schedule some time for each other only and stick to it. Good luck. There really is hope when 2 good people are just going in the wrong direction.

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Ask him if he would like to go on a date. Plan a nice evening. I suspect, because of the young kids in your house that you are not spending enough hubby/wife time. When that goes really well, that will help break the ice too. Do some things that you would have done when you were dating. Like, hold his hand in public out of the blue. Give him a kiss in the grocery store. Do something that you remember that you both like when there were not kids around. These things do not have to cost much. Schedule some time for each other only and stick to it. Good luck. There really is hope when 2 good people are just going in the wrong direction.

I talked with him last night and told him I feel that he is angry and has resentment towards me. I asked if that was true and he would not answer me. Said he did'nt want to answer me. I have no idea why he is so angry and would feel that way. I can not understand why it seems he has no desire to fight for his family. When I have tried to hold his hand it's like he becomes a board. He would rather I did not touch him. How do I get past the hurt I feel to help him. I know that he is depressed. He is totally withdrawn from me. I plan to leave today but there's so much doubt in my mind that I don't know if I can go.

understand

You know the really sad thing is neither of us has had an affair. We just can't seem to get back on track this time. I know that I love him and am totally willing. He says he does not know how he feels. What am I to read from that? I keep begging him for one reason not to go and he can not seem to give it to me. Thank you for your prayers. My husband was, not so long ago a minister. It is really sad that he is going through this. I've no idea what to do to help him come out of this. I've remained by his side all these years and am feeling guilty about leaving now. But how can I stay when I am dying on the inside?

My husband left, and then came back to make me feel better, he said, but then what he is going through puzzles me to a degree. He found a job in another town, and has since then set up house. He does know for how long he wants to be alone. I still cant believe he cheated because I never would, because I never put myself in a situation that might cause a bad decision. I have lived a tough life, but i have always made in through.

this is my 3rd marriage. each one of the men i have married told me the same thing its not you its me. there is still guilt that runs through our minds, because i am far from perfect. i cherish the idea of marriage and was brought up to believe that. I enjoy taking care of my man and gave 150 percent always. i have not received that in return, and that is what is difficult to understand. the childrens father cheated, my first boyfriend, 2nd an alcohlic and abuse. the 2nd i ended because he would not get help. The one man that treated me the way i felt i should be treated, told me i was to good for him, and he had to find himself. i still hold a special place in my heart for him and wil always cherish the memory, at least i had that for a time. I fully understand the dieing feeling your having, because I am there to. this time for me is different because i still care for him, and it has riped a deep hole , and put me in a place where I do not know how to get out of. i know what the possible truth is but i am not ready to accept it. He might move on without me, not ready to accept that prospect, but then again if he excepts me to wait and extended period of time,i just will not be able to do it. unfortunately it would mean another failure for me, and that is a big deal. I can only hope he wants to work things out because I believe we have something to save, but i cant fo it alone. I wish i had answers for both of us, but just maybe i have made a friend to share my thoughts with.

Unfortunately, your husband as well as mine, have to discover themselves again, and to decide what they want, its been a month for me, and i dont know how much longer i can wait, i have my good days and bad days, but I know eventually the hard question will have to be asked from both my husband and myself.

there is one consolation we are both basically in the same boat, and thanks to this web site we know were not alone. that is something. hope you will talk again. i dont think I have been much help, but you are in my prayers and my hope for you, is for you to find what is best for you and your children.

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

My husband left, and then came back to make me feel better, he said, but then what he is going through puzzles me to a degree. He found a job in another town, and has since then set up house. He does know for how long he wants to be alone. I still cant believe he cheated because I never would, because I never put myself in a situation that might cause a bad decision. I have lived a tough life, but i have always made in through.

this is my 3rd marriage. each one of the men i have married told me the same thing its not you its me. there is still guilt that runs through our minds, because i am far from perfect. i cherish the idea of marriage and was brought up to believe that. I enjoy taking care of my man and gave 150 percent always. i have not received that in return, and that is what is difficult to understand. the childrens father cheated, my first boyfriend, 2nd an alcohlic and abuse. the 2nd i ended because he would not get help. The one man that treated me the way i felt i should be treated, told me i was to good for him, and he had to find himself. i still hold a special place in my heart for him and wil always cherish the memory, at least i had that for a time. I fully understand the dieing feeling your having, because I am there to. this time for me is different because i still care for him, and it has riped a deep hole , and put me in a place where I do not know how to get out of. i know what the possible truth is but i am not ready to accept it. He might move on without me, not ready to accept that prospect, but then again if he excepts me to wait and extended period of time,i just will not be able to do it. unfortunately it would mean another failure for me, and that is a big deal. I can only hope he wants to work things out because I believe we have something to save, but i cant fo it alone. I wish i had answers for both of us, but just maybe i have made a friend to share my thoughts with.

Unfortunately, your husband as well as mine, have to discover themselves again, and to decide what they want, its been a month for me, and i dont know how much longer i can wait, i have my good days and bad days, but I know eventually the hard question will have to be asked from both my husband and myself.

there is one consolation we are both basically in the same boat, and thanks to this web site we know were not alone. that is something. hope you will talk again. i dont think I have been much help, but you are in my prayers and my hope for you, is for you to find what is best for you and your children.

First I have to say thanks to westmoneypit for helping me make a decision. I can not leave. I have to try again. I also have been enlightend to the fact that most men can not answer a question with yes or no. Thanks to my mother I've realized that he does'nt want me to leave only he did'nt come right out and say it. He told me in his own way. He says he loves me that he hasn't fallen out of love with me. He has said the very statements that westmoneypit said. It's crazy that he could be so precise. Now that my decision is made I've got to apply Dr. Phils techniques. As for you I'm so sorry. I watched for years as my mother sat and waited for my father to come around. He is a fully recovered drug addict. (THANK GOD) But all the years of neglect have taken it's toll on their relationship now. They divorced and remarried. But it's not the same. Of course I see it from the outside. I hate that "finding myself excuse". Who made the decision for them to marry in the first place,you know. I don't know how much help I can be you've had more experience but I tend to think I'm a pretty good listener or reader. Your welcome to email anytime. Thanks.

Your welcome.

First I have to say thanks to westmoneypit for helping me make a decision. I can not leave. I have to try again. I also have been enlightend to the fact that most men can not answer a question with yes or no. Thanks to my mother I've realized that he does'nt want me to leave only he did'nt come right out and say it. He told me in his own way. He says he loves me that he hasn't fallen out of love with me. He has said the very statements that westmoneypit said. It's crazy that he could be so precise. Now that my decision is made I've got to apply Dr. Phils techniques. As for you I'm so sorry. I watched for years as my mother sat and waited for my father to come around. He is a fully recovered drug addict. (THANK GOD) But all the years of neglect have taken it's toll on their relationship now. They divorced and remarried. But it's not the same. Of course I see it from the outside. I hate that "finding myself excuse". Who made the decision for them to marry in the first place,you know. I don't know how much help I can be you've had more experience but I tend to think I'm a pretty good listener or reader. Your welcome to email anytime. Thanks.

I would be happy to offer you some things that help my marriage to you. Breaking the ice is first. If he says he is in love, he is. He is having some man problems probably. When we were having trouble, it was a for the most part, my problem. I got in a rut where I was tired of being responsible, or at least feeling like it, for everything. When things were bothering me, I felt like it was easier to just keep it to myself. I did not want to trouble my wife, she had enough stuff to worry about. I felt like it was all my problem. What I did not realize is that I was isolating myself from my wife and my family. I just felt overwhelmed. Well, because of that, my wife also felt like I did not like her or care about her feelings, much like the stuff you are saying. The only way to break through it is talk to each other. This is the way I see it with your relationship right now:

You have had enough of being unhappy, so much so that you are unhappy most of the time. He sees that it just adds to his unhappiness. You are just frustrated and feel isolated from him. Your feelings are not being dealt with and he is not saying anything to you.

He is unhappy, but because he has been piling it on, he does not even know what to do about it anymore. He maybe feels like he can not please his boss, his kids, his wife, etc... He probably feels like there is no way he is going to be able to make anyone happy, so why try. He just does not know what to do from here.

Ask him if you can start over. Make sure that you mean it. If you do not have any major hurdles to jump (infidelity, drug abuse, etc...) then all you have to do is start over. Get together, talk about about what is bothering you, let him talk about what is bothering him, tell him that you are ready to move forward, tell him you want him to say the same thing, then do it (Use Dr. Phil's Fight Fair guidelines). The biggest thing to do to break the ice would be to say "thank you" "how are you?" "I knew we were meant to be", before during and after this is all being settled. These are big things that work toward the self esteem of the other person. If he is really in a rut, he will start talking and soon he will start returning the compliments even. Slow, easy, and without anger. Passion and compassion only from here on will help make a change. Shortly after you start talking, plan a date or hubby/wife fun time ONLY, no kids. Right now is the time to start finding a good babysitter and using it. If he needs to see this stuff show him. He is not alone in the world of feeling like being a man is too hard sometimes. That is why God gave us woman for companionship and understanding. For us to go to when we have had too much. To have someone to look weak in front of because the world doesn't let us let weak out there in it. That is some of things men need from woman, in return, woman end up with the man o their dreams, because you end up with a good friend. My wife is my best friend. That is way it should be. You need to have other freinds, but she will always be the best freind. You will get there. It takes time, but the first time he says something you do not like, the way you react will make a big difference in whether or not it gets work out or how quickly it gets worked out. With men, you need to say "So what you mean by that is ______?" Give him a chance to say it differently so you understand it, especially if the first thing you hear hurts your feelings. That is something that my wife has learned to do very well, because she knows I am terrible at say things right the first time. Good Luck. Hope this is helpful also.

confused and don't know what to do

I am in love with Robert but because I have made comment about his family after he would come home to me upset cause of them he moved out and back with them i feel that I have been in compition with his mother espesially because she does not want her two sons with anyone but her she dictates her sons,step fther and husbands life and as much as Robert says he won't let that happen to him I think it has.now he says our relationship is on probation. I feel ripped apart and that it maybe like this forever but I love him so much please help me

from understand

First I have to say thanks to westmoneypit for helping me make a decision. I can not leave. I have to try again. I also have been enlightend to the fact that most men can not answer a question with yes or no. Thanks to my mother I've realized that he does'nt want me to leave only he did'nt come right out and say it. He told me in his own way. He says he loves me that he hasn't fallen out of love with me. He has said the very statements that westmoneypit said. It's crazy that he could be so precise. Now that my decision is made I've got to apply Dr. Phils techniques. As for you I'm so sorry. I watched for years as my mother sat and waited for my father to come around. He is a fully recovered drug addict. (THANK GOD) But all the years of neglect have taken it's toll on their relationship now. They divorced and remarried. But it's not the same. Of course I see it from the outside. I hate that "finding myself excuse". Who made the decision for them to marry in the first place,you know. I don't know how much help I can be you've had more experience but I tend to think I'm a pretty good listener or reader. Your welcome to email anytime. Thanks.

i am happy for you and you have all my hopes. i will not wait forever because I know the outcome would take its toll on me. eventhough I have been cheated on and they have always said its not me, it still is very hard to except the idea we might not have a chance. I know eventually the hard decision will be needed if things dont work out, but hes crazy if he thinks i will wait a year. thats just nuts. i appreciate a good listener brcause its comfortating to know that someone will listen. the biggest deal for me is the loneliness, and it is an effort to do anything but I am still keeping up with my dancing, and fixing up the house as best I can. it keeps my mine busy on something else other than my pity party.

thanks for listening

I wish you success in the effort towards your marriage, at least he is listening that is a plus.

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

I am in love with Robert but because I have made comment about his family after he would come home to me upset cause of them he moved out and back with them i feel that I have been in compition with his mother espesially because she does not want her two sons with anyone but her she dictates her sons,step fther and husbands life and as much as Robert says he won't let that happen to him I think it has.now he says our relationship is on probation. I feel ripped apart and that it maybe like this forever but I love him so much please help me

As harsh as this might sound, he is not going to leave his mommy. I married a momma's boy.. that lasted a little over a year. He was always at her house, telling me that I had to be fair about his days off and allow him to spend one of his days with his mom and the other with me. I knew that I could not change him.. he even spent the night at his mom's house after we were married!! I think you should re-evaluate your relationship with this man and ask yourself if you want to share him with his mother for the rest of her life.. because that is what you are going to be doing. Your relationship is on probation?? Are you serious? Are you married to Robert? Do you have any children with him?

confused

well after typing my whole post my finger slipped and I accidently closed the whole window so I here I go again. My ex and I who dated for a year but split up back in the summer are expecting our first child on sunday. He left town and moved 4 hours away because he freaked out, while he was gone he told me he was in love with someone else. He came back about two wks ago and admitted to cheating on me with his ex gf back before the summer even began. I agreed to put the past in the past and start fresh with him if he was willing to. He agreed but said he cant commit to me right now because he needs to work on himself. I said thats fine but in the meantime we've been sleeping together, spending every day together, and he's even been sleeping over.

He makes a habit of saying everyday that he is not ready to be with someone and he doesnt see that changing anytime soon, he's even mentioned that he plans on living with his parents for a while. Am I stupid for being in love with this guy and trying to work things out? I mean I do everything for him and now im starting to feel like im just being used. He swears that he isnt out to break my heart and he wants more than anything to prove to me that he is a better person and that he just wants the chance. Im giving him the chance but it feels like everytime I turn around he's throwing it in my face that we arent together and we're not going to be together for a while still.

We're having our baby on sunday he is going to be in the delivery room, and he has also said that he is going to be here everyday after work, spending the night and everything. So please tell me what is the difference of all this and us not having the title of a couple?

I can relate...

I have been married 13 years and have three children 10, 6 and 9 months. I feel good posting because I do not want to wear my family and friends out with the same topic of IS HE EVER GONNA CHANGE? Currently, he is a student (which is great); however, he has chosen to be a full time student. He was somewhat fired from his job as a musician. He went to school to become a care for the elderly. He wants to go to school in hopes of becoming a doctor. I think this is a great goal. He is realistic to think that if he doesn't make it that he can always teach or something like that. I think it is fantastic but, I am feeling resentful. I thought going to school would mean going part time and working the other part. He works about 8 hours a week and takes occasional side jobs as a musician- he turns some jobs down because he wants to study. He is doing well and making all As. I feel he is getting a bit caught up in the student life-world. He tries real hard to create study groups, wants to go play tennis or ball. Some of these new found friends are female. This makes me resentful as when I was going through grad school, I was made to feel like an adulterous - there was a guy in our cohort and my husband was extremely jealous. I had to do a project with him and took my son when meeting with him to make my husband feel better. While going through school, my kids came first. I made Bs when they could have been As because being a mother was priority. He puts school before EVERYTHING. He is at school now taking a music class (jamming out with friends) for scholarship money that is promised but never given. He practices with a music group on another night of the week (they have played together as a band three times. Now, he met a girl after class. I found emails thanking him for studying, I need help on this lab and so on.

So what this means to me is, he is taking extra time out of the family to "help" others which I can't help to question his motive. The other day he spent about 6 hours with a friend from school because his friend was depressed. Meanwhile, I do the dishes (he occasionally helps), I pay the bills, I care for the kids, I take out the trash. His clothes are all over the floor.

He loves his kids but, can also be ugly and critical of them. I sometimes wonder if we are better off without eachother. Apparently in his mind, I bring him down. Quite frankly, I probably do because I have a hard time being excited about what he is doing. Yes, it will benefit us all in 10 years but, meanwhile I am holding everything up and tired. I can't stand when he tells me he is tired. I feel like yelling "from what!"

Thanks for listening.

I so can relate to you about the school thing.
Right after my husband and I were married 4 and a half years ago we
moved to a new town so he could go back to school. I was thrilled for
him and completely supportive of this decision. I was very proud of him
too. It's so hard to balance work and family and school. My husband
worked part time to help us out. He too had study groups and such. Some
of which were with girls..girls that were in their early twenties...we
were in our late twenties. We had a 3 year old at the time and a new
baby in a new town. IT was very hard for me to adjust to his new life.
I didn't know any of his new "friends" and was a bit jealous of him
going out and socializing with people whether it was in class or during
study groups. We used to get into fights about this alot. He was
also tired all the time. I felt like you..TIRED FROM WHAT!! lol... In
this situation it takes great patience and understanding from both of
you. Once my husband understood (after a year) that I was feeling
lonely for my friends back home and he was out making new friends which
made me upset, once he understood how I felt things got better. He was
trying to fit in to a new type of life. I had to remind him that all
those other students didn't have the same repsonsiblities as him. They
could go out and party all night and study together for all hours. He
had a wife at home and two kids who missed him greatly.
I think the key to all relationship issues is
COMMUNICATION. He needs to really understand what you are feeling and
that they are valid feelings. This is going to be a long haul with him
in school and he can't let it affect the family negatively. When it is
all said and done I'm sure he doesn't want to look back at this time as
a time that destroyed his marriage. Look to the future..come to a
compromise NOW before the resentment builds. He just may be
finding his place in a new situation. Give him some time but talk to
him about it so you can see how he feels about it. Good luck.