Extra Stuff

Friday, 29 April 2011

One for Wifey

KENNY Dalglish has confirmed that Andy Carroll is still not a certainty to face a sea of confused-feeling Geordies this Sunday.

Eyes like swirling brown pools

The shire-striker left Newcastle for £35M in the January transfer window, in a deal that made thousands of potbellied men feel upset in a way they could neither adequately define nor express publicly.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said “Many Newcastle fans will have felt betrayed and jilted by his departure, followed by the awkward need to do some DIY immediately to stop their stomach churning in quite so disconcerting a fashion.

“Seeing him run out in a Liverpool shirt will be like watching the mother of their kids walk into their local pub wearing a coat some other bloke bought them.

“This is assuming their ex is six foot three and built like a tattooed wardrobe made out of meat, but given they're from Newcastle I think that's a fair assumption.”

Carroll will be put through through some light man-crush training today by listening to a group of heterosexual men discuss how much they like the programmes of Professor Brian Cox.

If he comes through unscathed, Carroll will be more rigorously tested by sitting in a crowd of football fans watching slow-motion footage of Fernando Torres exchanging shirts at the end of a match to a soundtrack of Donna Summer's Love To Love You Baby.

Hayes said “It's easy to put this down to working-class men mistaking affection for complicated sexual feelings when a player leaves, but if they felt this way when Peter Beardsley left, something's definitely wrong here.”

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