31 January 2006

consumer reports: oscar edition

This morning Hollywood participated in one of its most time-honored traditions: waking all the Angelenos up at 5:30 a.m. so they can announce Oscar nominees in time for East Coast morning shows. Joke's on you, suckers-- serves you right for living on the wrong coast.

A very sleepy and very blond-looking Mira Sorvino, along with some old guy, announced this years nominees. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to get used to the follow choice phrases:

What a pool of distinguished names we have there! Seriously, aside from the fact that all of these people did respectable work this year, I think there has rarely been a crop of Oscar nominees with such a string of horrendous movies behind them. Need we remind you? No. But we will anyway. Remember these gems?

I still haven't forgiven Best Actress Nominee Reese Witherspoon for the money I wasted on the sequel no one asked for.

Yes, Herbie: Fully Loaded features another supporting role from Best Supporting Actor Nominee Matt Dillon. And this came out after Crash, so no fair claiming you've learned from your mistakes.

Aeon Flux was also eligible for nomination, but I guess Best Actress Nominee Charlize Theron managed to get the Academy to forget that.

No, I didn't see S1m0ne either, but it does feature yet another supporting role from Best Supporting Actress Nominee Catherine Keener.

Best Actress Nominee Keira Knightley's name was Domino Harvey, thanks to the worst movie tagline in history.

Yes, that's Best Supporting Actress Nominee Michelle Williams glaring at you. She has other, more obvious sins to atone for, but no fair judging TV.

Ladder 49 came out after Best Actor Nominee Joaquin Phoenix was nominated for Gladiator, so really, there's no excuse.

I have all the love in the world for Best Supporting Actor Nominee Jake Gyllenhaal, but sitting through The Day After Tomorrow made me want him to freeze to death just so I could leave the theater.

Even Best Director, Supporting Actor, and Screenplay Nominee George Clooney has done us wrong. Spy Kids 3D? Why, George, why?

But Best Actor Nominee Terence Howard wins the heinous prize: he was in Glitter. And you never thought you'd see Mariah Carey in an Oscar-related post, now did you?

I loved Brokeback Mountain enough to leave Heath Ledger alone for now. But I'll just give you a little reminder, in case you've accepted him too quickly as a legitimate actor:

There's more than enough snark to go around with these nominations, and as the ceremony draws ever-closer (Sunday, March 5! It's the gay man's Superbowl!), you'll get it. But I promised consumer reports, so instead of giving you my take on the five Best Picture nominees, I'll let the imdb user comments do the talking.

Brokeback Mountain

"People are actually suggesting remedies to help folks work through LAB (Life After BBM). Has there been any movie in which this was necessary?"-- 10 stars

"At the very least, it should get the nod for Best Hair. Check out Anne Hathaway's do at the end of the film."-- 1 star

"First off, there were no cows, only sheep, so they weren't cowboys, but shepherds. Yeah, shepherds are like 40% less sexy than cowboys, so already we're backing a loser." -- 1 star

"I really believe that if [Ennis] had never had an experience with Josh would he have had relations with men."-- 6 stars[Snarky blogger's note: Who the fuck is Josh?]

"I just kept hoping they'd do everyone a favour and move to San Francisco and be happy."-- 6 stars

Capote

"Capote was so liberal that he didn't mind springing two killers to terrorize the rest of us."-- 3 stars

"I thought the film could use subtitles in some parts." -- 6 stars

"My twin and I were like "What the hell did we get ourselves into?" after the first 5 minutes into the movie."-- 7 stars

"I ask, '2 Capote, or NOT 2 Capote?, that is the question."-- 8 stars

"I may have opted for a title more on the head like, The Deceptor [...] I know Deceptor isn't a word - just an idea."-- 8 stars

Munich

"Another dip in the Spielberg pool and I come away drenched in emotion." -- 9 stars

"And who thinks of things like that while in the act w/ the Missus? Be like thinking, mid-stroke-'Wow Sanford and Son wasn't that good today'...something just didn't seem right there, ya know?" -- 7 stars

"As a fact, this movie did lower the opinion I had about Jews as a nation :("-- 7 stars

"He knows his stuff, this Spielberg." -- 8 stars

"And sorry girls, watching Eric Bana's beautifully sculpted butt for almost three hours just doesn't make up to it." -- no stars given

Crash

"Prior to this, I thought "American Beauty" was the bomb...Crash explodes on the screen in nuclear proportions and will BLOW YOU AWAY."-- 10 stars"I felt like flicking out Ludicrous' eyes out and see if he could still fly around, he was so annoying." --1 star

"Kudos to Brendan Fraser for his brilliant recreation of his role in 'Encino Man." -- 1 star

"I should have known what to expect with Sandra Bullock in the cast list." --3 stars

"Perhaps IMDb's reviewers are in favour of continuing the class divide and the right to bear arms-I cannot believe that!" -- 10 stars

"Do yourself a favor and watch a much more honest take on race relations, 'Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle!" -- 1 star

Good Night, and Good Luck

" I know the black and white was to bring you back to the 1950s but I was around then and the TV was in black and white but the world was in color and the life these people were living was in real color." -- 1 star

"This film is about Edward R. Murrow, a liar, a coward and a Pharisee." -- 1 star

"[Edward R. Murrow's] words to the American people were like the voice of all wisdom, of Shakespeare, of God." -- 10 stars

"Good Night, and Good Luck' is a historical documentary so pertinent to today." -- 10 stars[Snarky blogger comment: I wonder if this reviewer was confused when GN&GL didn't get nominated in the Best Documentary category].

totes an interview

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