Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The FBI says it has tracked down Tom Brady’s missing Super
Bowl jersey. Now that they have gotten that out of the way, they can go back to
trying to figure out how to access criminals’ iPhones and if anyone was
wiretapping Donald Trump.

Kim Jong-un has vowed to reduce the U.S. to “ashes” with
nuclear strikes. To which people who live in states that have legalized
marijuana are saying, “too late.”

Conservative students at a Lutheran college in Minnesota say
they have been “violently threatened” because of their political beliefs. The
question is, what else are there going to be at a Lutheran college besides
conservative students?

A study says having sex with your partner brings 48 hours of
an “afterglow.” As opposed to your partner finding out you have had sex with
someone else and it results in the “afterlife.”

The list of the happiest countries in the world is topped by
Norway, Denmark, Iceland, Switzerland and Finland. Mostly because the news of
global warming means they are finally getting a break on their year round
heating bills.

A list puts the U.S. in 14th place of the world’s
happiest countries. And that’s mostly because of the few people left who can
appreciate the simple things in life, like still having a job, health insurance
and their home.

A survey says nearly half of all Canadians want illegal
immigrants deported. Mostly the Americans who keep coming across the border
ever since Donald Trump was elected President.

Malibu is offering sanctuary for illegal aliens. Who can
stay there as long as they are making the minimum Malibu cost of living salary
of $500,000 a year.

Malibu is offering sanctuary for illegal aliens. Mostly
because there is no way those Hollywood celebrities and business tycoons are
going to resort to having totrim their
own hedges and clean their own pools.

Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl jersey was reportedly found
in Mexico. Now at least we know why Brady has been so supportive of the
President who campaigned on building a border wall.

North Korea says it is not afraid of the U.S. threat of a
military strike. Mostly because what we call total nuclear destruction in North
Korea is known as “urban renewal.”

A Sydney airline grounded five planes when a propeller fell
off in mid-flight. It was the biggest disaster involving a prop since Carrot
Top.

A report says some employers are trying to help workers with
their retirement income with a lifetime income plan. Which will be more of a
possibility now that the retirement age for most people has been pushed back to
somewhere around 90.

A report says some employers are trying to help workers with
their retirement income with a lifetime income plan. Which for some companies
means shooting their workers when they hit 70.

A report says the Trump budget cuts are threatening the food
supply for millions of kids in poor countries. Which apparently is his way of
getting back at the world for making fun of him putting ketchup on a $54 steak.

A report says the Trump budget cuts threaten the food supply
for millions of kids in poor countries. Trump says those kids will thank him
when the U.S. instead spends that money invading the Middle East so they can
have cheap gas for their SUVs.

Beijing is deploying facial recognition technology to catch
public restroom toilet paper thieves. Apparently it has to do with a new app where
people have the option to “wipe right.”

Donald Trump says he may want a 0% tax rate. Only this time
he means for people other than himself.

Donald Trump says he may want a 0% tax rate. Which should be
easy for all the people laid off from minimum wage jobs who no longer have any
health insurance.

A report says workers who spend too much time traveling for
work could have cause for a court case. Especially if their employers force
them to fly United, Stay at Hilton hotels and eat at TGI Friday’s.

Costco is suing Titleist, claiming their popular Kirkland
golf balls do not violate on any Titleist patents. Besides, the Costco brand is
only bought by people who can find room to store a pallet of 25 dozen balls.

A report says airlines expect a 4% rise in passengers this
spring. Which translates to double the profits just from the fees they are
stuck with paying on each flight.

A report says airlines expect a 4% rise in passengers this
spring. Which means they can cut back to half the number of flights and still
squeeze everyone on board.

A report says airlines expect a 4% rise in passengers this
spring. Mostly people traveling on United who book in the spring so they can
get to where they are going in time for their summer vacation.

Donald Trump dropped 220 spots on the Forbes billionaires
list. Even worse, it looks like he will be completely off the list if they ever
get hold of the rest of that leaked tax return.

The president of Uber has quit only after six months on the
job. Apparently due to financial difficulties at the ride share he just didn’t
have time to run the company and pull a full driver’s shift.

The president of Uber has quit only after six months on the
job. Apparently he was afraid that due to budget cuts he might have been forced
to share a ride with unstable CEO Travis Kalanick.

A study says sitcoms give TV advertisers the best return on
their investment. Although more are putting their money on cable news which
gets millions of viewers every time they just put a camera on Donald Trump for
his latest rant.

A study says Millennials will soon start to watch more
broadcast TV. Especially when they reach middle age and realize it is just too
much work to work the controls of video games, send texts and post on Facebook.

A study says ATMs and coffee shops are good locations to put
defibrillators. Especially for the people who go into cardiac arrest when they
realize they emptied the ATM to pay off their monthly bill at Starbucks.

A study says when hospital inspectors are in town, fewer
patients die. Mostly because losing a patient is never good but the last thing
hospital workers want to be yelled at for it.

A study says the duration of opioid prescriptions may
determine which patients are more likely to become addicted. For instance, one
day prescriptions have a 6% addiction rate; eight days a 14% rate and 31 days
should come with a reservation at the rehab clinic.

A study says the doctor that a patient sees can determine
how long they use opioids. The ones whose doctor used to see Rush Limbaugh can
pretty much count on coming out of the office with a three year supply.

A study says the doctor that a patient sees can determine
how long they use opioids. Those who want longer prescriptions would be better
off seeing the doctor who does his office visits out of the trunk of his car.

A Russian search engine compiling data says the only person
mentioned as appearing in dreams there is Vladimir Putin. The only difference
is in the U.S. when Donald Trump appears to people when they sleep it is
classified as a nightmare.

“The Big Bang Theory” has been renewed for another two
years. The stars of the ensemble show make so much money that cuts to the other
programs mean that “Two Broke Girls” is now the term for how everyone else at
CBS ends up at contract negotiations.

Penelope Cruz is set to play Donatella Versace in an episode
of “American Crime Story.” The only problem is scheduling Rick Baker to be able
to make a pair of prosthetic lips big enough for Cruz to play the part.

Woody Harrelson says he has given up smoking pot. Apparently
for some peopleit’s no longer enjoyable
to use once it became legal.

The NFL is proposing shortening overtime to 10 minutes
instead of 15. Now if they could just do the same thing for the amount of time officials
spend on instant replay review.

The U.S. is barring large electronic devices on foreign
flights. Which is good news forpeople
who are forced to sit next to passengers who insists on bringing a big screen
TV on flights to hook up to their laptop for some inflight Netflix
bingewatching.

Visa’s payment enabled sunglasses are ready to be worn to
the beach. Which will allow men to pay for treatment at the local EmergiCare
when their wives realize the sunglasses are so they can’t be caught checking
out all the other women.

Arianna Huffington says Uber CEO Travis Kalanick is
evolving. So far his behavior indicates he has made it all the way from
Neanderthal to Cro-Magnon.

A survey says 78% of Americans say they are afraid to ride
in a fully self-driving vehicle. Mostly because they wouldn’t know what to do
with their time if they weren’t able to criticize the person driving.

Bill Gates is ranked as the world’s richest person for the
fourth straight year with a net worth of $86.8 Billion. His fortune is made up
of $11.4 Billion in Microsoft stock with the rest from 1 Billion unites of
unsold Zune devices.

Bill Gates is ranked as the world’s richest person for the
fourth straight year with a net worth of $86.8 Billion. Which means at this
point he may finally have enough money to where his wife gives him permission
to go out and pay for a nice haircut.

A London woman who performed a cover of an Ed Sheeran song
on Facebook was banned by the site for three days. Apparently there is a
copyright against anyone singing his songs who has actually combed their hair.

A London woman who performed a cover of an Ed Sheeran song
on Facebook was banned by the site for three days. Which is still considerably
less than the recommended punishment for singing Justin Bieber songs of a ban
for life.

The former owner of a dry cleaning shop in California was
arrested for defrauding customers out of $350,000. Which means his customers
went to the cleaners only to be taken to the cleaners.

The FBI is warning that Russia will strike U.S. elections
again. Although the question is how much worse could they do to us than getting
Donald Trump elected as our President?

The FBI is warning that Russia will strike U.S. elections
again. If they only had access to some intelligence gathering equipment and
personnel who were trained to stop that kind of interference.

A study says Americans are quitting their jobs at the
fastest rate in 16 years. Mostly because what’s the harm in leaving one job to
go to the other when they are all paying the same minimum wage?

EBay says it will start guaranteeing three day delivery on
20 Million items. Which is good news for the people who pay hundreds of
thousands of dollars to find the Jesus toast they bid on has gone stale.

A survey says one in ten Americans say they will die in
debt. Which is good news for those who want to die the same way they lived.

A survey says one in ten Americans say they will die in
debt. The other nine obviously haven’t taken a good look at their bank account,
401(k) or stock portfolios lately.

Ivanka Trump has been given security clearance, a West Wing
office and access to classified information. Which seems a bit much just to
keep track of which retailers are dropping her merchandise lines.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, isn’t it great
they found Tom Brady’s Super Bowl jersey. I’m sure all those Americans who are
on the verge of losing their health care will be able to sleep so much better
at night. Ironically, it doesn’t do a thing for all the people who lost their
shirts betting on the Falcons. All I know is that I feel like I am on the
winning team every time you all remember to always keep on sending the love!