Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, November 25, 2017
- by Roy Exum

Roy Exum

The best story this Thanksgiving comes from the New Jersey Turnpike where a very attractive young woman ran out of gas last month. Kate McClure had little cash on her as she began to walk towards the closest gas station in the pitch-black dark. But she didn’t get far before a homeless man, his beard ragged and clothes filthy, told her this was a bad place for her to be.

“Johnny” walked her back to her car, ordered her to lock the doors and unlock them for no one until he came back with gas. A former Marine and paramedic before his life crashed around him, Johnny spent the last $20 he had – all he had -- to return with a can of gas. Kate promised to pay the next day and Johnny said no, that’s alright, everything was okay.

But Kate and her boyfriend came back the next afternoon and not only repaid the $20, but talked to the homeless man. Kate found herself going by two more times that week, giving him some more money, and – far better --- finding out his story.

“I wish that I could do more for this selfless man, who went out of his way just to help me that day,” McClure wrote on her Facebook page. “He is such a great guy, and talking to him each time I see him makes me want to help him more and more.”

So this one singular girl started a GoFundMe effort for Johnny, in the belief if she could get the Marine vet a little “seed money,” he might lift himself out of the doldrums. She set her goal at $10,000. She briefly suspended the ask – Johnny begged her not to take advantage of others’ generosity -- but she pressed on and by Thanksgiving Day, over $300,000 had been given to the ex-Marine who gave a girl, one he had never seen, every penny that he had.

With that, let’s go to Saturday’s Funnies. Mind you, I didn’t write any of the funnies but they are only a fraction of those sent to me each week in the hopes I will join in others’ laughter. I am richly thankful for that:

* * *

THE WISDOM OF OUR ATHLETES – WE PAY THEM HOW MUCH?

Here’s what an unproven NFL rookie gets, no matter if he stands or kneels during the national anthem:

The 4-year minimum base salaries for players in this year's pro football draft are as follows: $465,000 (Year 1), $540,000 (Year 2), $615,000 (Year 3), $690,000 (Year 4). If eventually signed to a contract, each rookie drafted will get a 4-year deal, whereas undrafted rookies are only eligible for 3-year contracts (PER NFL, April 28, 2017)

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: “I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: “To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height..," and “You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ..."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.”

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: “I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such a ridiculous western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!"

"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but . . . I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped . . . "They won't let me in without a tie!"

* * *

SOME MORE ONE-LINERS
* -- Aspire to inspire before you expire.
* -- My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
* -- Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
* -- Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
* -- The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
* -- God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
* -- I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
* -- Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

* * *

A RETURN TO A NIGHT HE ALWAYS WANTED TO FORGET
This guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive younger woman waving at him. She even approaches him and says “Hello, it’s nice to see you again”.

He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Suddenly his mind flashes back to a shameful night when he was in college and after so much whiskey that he still remembers nothing to this day, his fraternity brothers always kidded him that he had played “Romper Room” all night with the head cheerleader.

With his face turning red and his heart so remorseful it was embarrassing, he stammered out an apology for the wild orgy that had taken place in the basement of the fraternity house.

Looking at him as though he was three cards shy of a deck, the woman replied, “No … I am you son’s third-grade teacher.”

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