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Help please with writting

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ok well i have to write a series of poems (which is by no means something i am a natuaral at) and i will write one of mine under because i need feedback since i really am way better at short stories but i am also having a lot of trouble picking more topics for these poems so if you have any ideas you feell like sharing please do. Thank you so much and P.S plaese dont be too harsh i am really consious about my writting.

Let Us Dine
The dining table is the battlefield
Where knives stab and forks fight
The flesh of the innocent
Is torn, ripped and devoured
In jaws filled with white daggers
The plate, once golden
Now overflowing with crimson blood
Of the sacrificed prey.
In this theater of war
Let us dine on our own lies
For if we do not gulp them down first
They will consume us.
Dinner is served.
Shall we stuff ourselves
With the likes of tormented souls?
The taste of others’ pain
Will wash down the tart flavor
Of our own suffering.
The clanking of cutlery
Made intentional loud
To hide the sounds of our ghosts
That are lurking as we feast.
Secretly we all fear that
Our poltergeists will cause our death
Little do we know that it will be
The cutlery who have plotted against us
At this dinner party no one leaves….
Alive

well i can handle constructive critasim like "this line is really bad" or "bad working" etc.... i do have people edit my stuff and im a big girl but when someone says shit like "i would rather kill myself than read something you wrote" or something as such. Anyways i in honesty i am more interested in poem ideas since i need my collection to be done friday and i have people who edit for me anyways so this is mostly just concepts for my rewrite and i only take ideas that help me..... I hope at least a sentence of that made minimal sence

If you don't feel like it is any good then why bother posting it? Just crap out 8 more just like it and get a passing grade..

it's very hard not to ponder this over, but i know very few writers that really think they write well. myself included. most writers hate their own work, for the most part. that's what editors are for. hell, when chuck originally wrote lullaby, the story was a far cry different from what was published, thanks to his editor.

as for your poem, i wish i could help. i took a stab at poetry, spent a year with it, even upped a poem through the workshop--being that there are a lot of poets in the self side of the workshop--but i hold no strong merit or affinity for poetics. i dont take it too discouraging: chandler was a natural story teller but a shitty poet. poetry and narrative dont always go hand in hand. in fact, seldom do they..

my point:

if youre going to show your work to people, maintain thick skin and remember to take only what advice is helpful to you and disregard the rest. it's as simple as that. good luck, poet
-kabol

I still think that poetry that doesn't rhyme or have meter shows a fundamental lack of effort. You know how easy it is to crap out something like that?

An ashtray not yet filled
The cigarette all paper and filter
What marvelous difference
A little fire may make
The corpse of a cigarette
Wallowing in my despair
The cry of evil
My still-born child
Like smoking
Anything profound
Down
To the filter.

I don't mean to be rude or anything, but poetry is hard, don't take the easy way out and churn out shite. It's not creative. Not enjoyable. Definitely not cool either. Unlike smoking. :cool2:
Actually, my poem had rhyme in places. I can't help awesomeness slip in, I'm just [B]that good.[/B]

I'm no great at poetry, struggling a lot. Though I believe that rhyming is not necessary but rhythm and meter are really important. Words and images are important but not if they dont create a rhythm for the reader. Just coming up with stark images that shock or appeal to a crowd don't make a poem. You have a good idea in there, just a good idea but not a poem at all.

Also what you're looking for is a detailed critique on a fan submissions subforum. That might not really get you what you want. Is this a fan submission? How is it fan-art? Did any of Chuck's work inspire you to write this? But anyways just because you asked for help, won't let you go back empty handed. Next time try this on the writer's workshop. If you really want help with your writing, do join the workshop.

Trying and giving you a little edit, take a look at it. If you disagree, it's your work anyways :)

--

[b]let us dine[/b]

[i](switched it our right in the beginning because you do that later on in the poem anyway, stick to a point of view and don't leave it)[/i]

this dining table
is our battlefield
where the knives stab
and the forks fight.

[i](I don't see why you need the lines: "flesh of the innocent... white daggers" they're redundant bceause of the next two lines.)[/i]

let us eat our lies
before they grow
and grow, and
one day consume us.

[i](Keep it simple and clean. Very important, the more you complicate your sentence, it will be even more difficult to bring a rhythm to it. Think of songs, music - all the songs, even the worst of them have simple lines. I still don't know what those lines are doing there. You'd be better off without them.)[/i]

the dinner is served.

should we begin
to stuff ourselves
with the likes of
tormented souls?
the taste of their pain
[[should wash down
the flavour
of our own suffering.]]

[i](I'm not happy with the edit of the last three lines myself. Needs one syllabel somewhere to rhythm it well.)[/i]

we clank the cutlery
loud enough to hide -- (note use of direct speech to cut out the word: intentional)
the voices of demons,
our demons,
lurking around, whispering,
as we feast and toast.

[i](You don't need to talk about everything you know. That's where the "show, don't tell" is very important. You use images and words to create sensationalism, where as places where you really need to use those images are not used well. Try and look for emotions to replace with words and images, describing images with metaphors for them is simple. visualising the feast is not the key to your poem, but visualising the emotions that the people feasting are feeling is what is important. Earlier I pointed out "intentional", this time it is "secretly". Use the right words, tighten your poem.)[/i]

scared of our demons,
we seek to escape ourselves
into this extravaganza.

[i](Little do we know, is a very prosaic tool. Should be used in poetry if fits in too well. Here it doesn't. Use something like blinded/unaware/etc.)[/i]

ignorant of the conspiracies
of the cutlery, we escape
into a dinner from which
nobody leaves alive.

[i](I know, not the best verse in the whole edit, but by now I went a little out of patience, sorry for that but then no poem can be written very well in one go, it takes one a lot of time and chewing upon.)[/i]

I still think that poetry that doesn't rhyme or have meter shows a fundamental lack of effort. You know how easy it is to crap out something like that?

An ashtray not yet filled
The cigarette all paper and filter
What marvelous difference
A little fire may make
The corpse of a cigarette
Wallowing in my despair
The cry of evil
My still-born child
Like smoking
Anything profound
Down
To the filter.

I don't mean to be rude or anything, but poetry is hard, don't take the easy way out and churn out shite. It's not creative. Not enjoyable. Definitely not cool either. Unlike smoking. :cool2:
Actually, my poem had rhyme in places. I can't help awesomeness slip in, I'm just [B]that good.[/B]

There once was a tyke named Corallion
Who was known as a little rapscallion
He'd read all your poems
Then he'd bitch and he'd moan
That your poem lacked structure and rhyming.

Wow ok well i am going to just write something to all of you ...
cooperate whore- i was just reponding before i went to bed ie not really in thinking mode
Corellion- i know that poetry is not my strong suit i am not trying to say it is BUT BUT BUT BUT I had/ do have to write ten poems from a class i am taking... really i only write Short stories but i want to give an effert for everything and try and improve BUT i do know that majority of that didnt rhyme and in my honest oppinon it was a little boaring.... see this simply proves we have different tast but dont give yourself lung cancer over it
Jugal- thank you i like your ideas
Monkey Wright- haha nice to know we are on the same page

[U][COLOR=Red]Ok notice this right her what this is saying ok i am going to quote my self .... ready Anyways i in honesty [U]i am more interested in poem ideas since i need my collection to be done friday [/U]and i have people who edit for me anyways so this is mostly just concepts for my rewrite and i only take ideas that help me..... ok so really it is ok if you dont like what i have to say i am more looking for ideas because that is what i need more but i thought i would add in my attempt at a poem so people would have a small idea of what is in my head.... cool [/COLOR][/U] alrighty

so basically, i just wasted my time going through that wreck... good to hear that.

actually, totally my bad in trying to help - sorry for doing that.

Oh no no no i really like your adive and that was only my draft so i will incoorperate that stuff in if i do that as a final so nononon you were one of those rare people in my life that have helped or cared

WAIT my writting is a wreak thanks that is a bit harsh i dont know that i think of you as a rare person anymore

Fuck me, I've got an even better idea. Instead of giving you ideas to write poetry how about we skip the middle man and just start forking up the poetry itself?

Darkness falls on a deserted plane
with the mouth of my lover open
like a big bag
of dorritos
except instead of chips
the bag
is
filled with snakes
OOOH!

or how about something that rhymes

toy boat lovers
with the moon aside
never stop to hover
or we'll all die
on this lonely bridge
where we both are stuck
against this ridge
let's watch television

That's two down, or even three if you jack the font up and make it look all artsy. I suggest some bamboo-reed font style.

hahah you amaze me. too bad my teacher will know that is not my writing like at all lol but this could work i am definatlly thinking i can make this sound like me.
mucho grasious... i really dont speak spanish

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