Watching sport through a Bachelor filter

If you’re looking for good comedy, it’s hard to go past The Bachelor, a game of romantic musical chairs where women compete for the affections of a serial snogger with the personality of a stick. This season he’s being played by a bloke called Blake.

It may be all sorts of wrong but it’s hilarious. So far this season the highlights have been Holly tearfully telling Blake that as much as she fancies him, she prefers netball, and Laurina claiming Blake has robbed her dignity by kissing another girl on a group date. You’re on The Bachelor, love. We are way past dignity.

There are some who argue The Bachelor is not true to life. Which is an absurd thing to say about reality TV. So I have set myself an assignment. Can I draw any similarities between The Bachelor and certain sporting relationships?

Of course I can!

For inspiration, I’m focusing on the antics of Amber, our favourite bunny boiler who was punted last week because Blake just wasn’t feeling the ku-neck-shun with her. Or, in his words, ‘the spark that leads off to love’.

So here goes.

Lewis Hamilton in happier times. Or maybe he’s looking to hit Rosberg over the head with this Olympic torch. Picture by Tony Maggiocchi.

Cakegate: Did Amber turn off Kara’s oven during the cake baking challenge or not? And do we care beyond the theatre of it all?

Well, this is the Lewis Hamilton and Nico Rosberg relationship in a nutshell. Hamilton reckons Rosberg has been deliberately stacking his car to sabotage the Brit’s championship chances.

Down Under, we have found the stoush fabulously entertaining, particularly as it has created the opportunity for our own Daniel Ricciardo to pinch two consecutive races.

Mercedes sees it differently, though. They’ve just warned the pair to pull their heads in or they won’t get a rose next season.

Dwamagate: On more than one occasion, Amber has earnestly told the camera she’s just not into the dwaaaama that some of the other girls pull.

This is classic ‘hello kettle, this is pot’. And for its sports equivalent, we can’t go past Shane Warne’s Twitter attack on AFL legend Adam Goodes for apparently taking a leaf out of soccer’s diving book.

Warney, in his own playing days never one to let an appeal go begging, then questioned Goodes’ Australian of the Year worthiness. Yes, that’s right. Warney. That paragon of virtue who’s never known a day of scandal his whole life.

Allergygate: Amber had to tearfully leave a group date at a farm because she’s allergic to horses. Which was funny because the only animal the girls had to go near was a mechanical bull.

This one falls into the ‘bunging it on’ category. Something Amber did with considerable aplomb, flouncing around the mansion at the slightest provocation.

Australia’s basketball team has been accused of similar behaviour in its shock loss to Angola in the World Cup.

Critics claim the Boomers tanked to avoid playing Team America in the quarter-finals. The Boomers say they lost fair and square because were just resting their best players for the pointy end of the tournament.

I don’t know. Aussies losing at anything seems a bit suss to me.

All the celebs eat at Harry’s. Even Colonel Sanders. Picture by Neal Jennings.

Doggate (aka Dog-ate-my-date-card): On a date with Laurina, Blake pulled out a runty alien-like critter he’d flown in specially for her. It looked like Dr Evil’s cat. It was in fact Laurina’s dog. This prompted an epic outburst from dateless Amber, who whined: “The f***ing dog gets a date, and I don’t have a date!”

So this one is a debate over selection. A topic which has tested the bromance between Aussie cricket coach Boof Lehmann and Captain Pup in recent days.

After Australia lost a one-day match to Zimbabwe for the first time in 31 years, Pup had a crack about certain players being left out of the squad. To which Boof said something about not being a fan of airing dirty laundry in public. To which Clarkey basically raised the middle finger.

We’re sure these two can kiss and make up, though.

Shut-the-gate: In the most sensational Bachelor development EVER – at least until Blake took a dressed-to-the-nines Laurina out for a ‘dirty street pie’ at Harry’s Cafe de Wheels – Amber rejected a rose offered by Blake and walked out. Only to walk back in a few minutes later.

Rory who? Picture by Captain Ankhur.

For sensational dumpings, we need look no further than Rory McIlroy jilting Caroline Wozniacki just days after sending out the wedding invitations.

Since then, Rory’s game has gone gangbusters, while Caroline’s has continued in the doldrums. Until the past two weeks, that is, as she has fist-pumped her way to the US Open final against bestie Serena Williams.

The secret to Woz’s new found success? I reckon she must be imagining every ball as Rory’s face.

So, as you can see, The Bachelor is indeed grounded firmly in reality. Since being shoved into the departure limo, Amber is now testing her chops in acting. Whether in comedy or dwama is yet to be seen.