Tomorrow’s conspiracy theories explained today

Here’s what black helicopter people will be blathering about on AM radio and blaming on liberals in 2009:

• The Mexicans are coming and they’re trying to communicate with us! Students in the Mexican border state of Tamaulipas will be required to learn English. That’s the goal of a program that began eight years ago, but was only recently implemented around the state. If it takes hold, 390,000 Mexican kids will become well-versed in our language. Expect plenty of paranoia over this one, as anti-immigration forces, bigots and xenophobes gather around their AM radios to hear stories of Mexico annexing Texas, or Muslim extremists infiltrating Tamaulipas so that they can then infiltrate the Southwestern region of the U.S. Or, just maybe, Mexican officials would like to drag their nation out of poverty and the best way to do that is to educate them to speak a language that will help them in business and provide higher education possibilities.

• Food Shortages!There are food riots around the world! Could it happen here? Are you prepared to stockpile food to save your family? Fork over some cash to these clowns and learn to catch wild game and can it yourself. Or, as this equally terse British commentary finally admits near the end, worldwide governments could end subsidies that encourage farmers to get out of the business and the problem could be reversed in two years.

• Big Business is bailing on Obama’s America! U.S. drilling companies know the nation is going down the toilet, so they are fleeing the country as the Obama Administration prepares to take office! Several companies are relocating to Switzerland, where favorable tax laws allow them to remain profitable. Of course, many of these companies were already incorporated in the Caymans, so the move to Switzerland is just a quick hop from one off-shore tax loophole to another. Greedy bastards.

• The end of the United States of America! Our nationwill disintegrate in two years because a Russian dude said so! According to this foreign clown — some obscure, former KGB hack described by the author as a very well-respected guy, so he must be pretty impressive — America will break into pieces by 2010. Mexico will take Texas and Russia will get Alaska back. California, not surprisingly, will do its own thing. Yes, the writer admits, this dude is seen as a loon by many. But at a foreign conference 10 years ago, the Russian says that people cried when they heard his speech and asked for autographs afterward. I don’t know about you, but that’s proof enough for me. I need to get my passports in order to visit California so I can visit Knott’s Berry Farm next year. And I hope Sarah Palin is as good at watching America for Mr. Putin as she was watching Russia for Mr. Bush.