Your Blogging Staff

Contributing to this blog:
- "Dave" is Dave Barry, who is a humor columnist and presidential contender.
- "judi" is Judi Smith, who is Dave's Research Department, as well as being interested in men.
- "Walter" is Walter, a bone from the penis of a walrus.

hate the yankees. hate steinf****r even more. hate the sox more. Met fan. I gotta believe. I gotta believe the mets need a new bullpen. I speak the plain truth - I know when my team sux ... but they still be my team. i will hate the yankees forever.

I have just recieved word from poetry.com that my work, 'Why I'm So Messed Up' by Buttleak Ing Pustule, is a semi-finalist for the $1,000 monthly prize. (For those who forgot about this credit to art worldwide, let me refresh you of my poem, written over a period of 5 minutes while clad only in my most artistic underwear):

'The squirrels are here/ Within my head/ If they lay eggs/ I might be dead/ I hate the squirrels/ Within my brain/ I hit tem with a shovel/ But that caused me pain/ The squirrels got angry/ And vowed revenge/ They got it/ And did something that rhymes with revenge/ Possibly 'syringe' or something/ But I don't know/ Because that revenge thing/ Made me eat crow/ The crow was delicious/ And shut up the rodents/ The end/ Now go to sleep.

Anyway, I'm a semi-finalist, and will automatically be entered into the finals. So I've already won the semis as well! Yay! And the following quotes from the letter are pure comedy:

"Buttleak... Imagine your poem featured on a page by itself in a beautiful coffee-table edition!" (Although they capitalized most of the words to show how impressed they were.)
"Before going any further, Buttleak, let me make one thing clear...your poem was selected for publication, and as a contest semi-finalist, on the basis of your unique talent and artistic vision."
"As a poet chosen for publication, you will also be eligible to attend The International Society of Poet's Summer Convention and Symposium, to be held in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, August 13-15, 2004. Keep the date, a formal invitation will be sent to you soon."
They also ask me if I want to include my 'motivations, the meaning poetry has in your life, the story behind your poem, or your personal philosophical point of view.' If I chose to do this, the art-house hacks who wound up reading it would likely suffer major brain poppage.

Dave, when that invitation comes, I'll be unable to go to Philly, so I'll be asking you to go in my place. Just remember, my work is copyrighted (poetry.com was nice enough to do that for me), so I get the money if I win something.