Losing my mind with 3 kids 5 and under

Our First Family Vacation Recap!

We are home! In one piece! And I am back to being bloggy, and it is glorious. I really missed writing, even if it was only a short break. I’m glad to be back, annoying everyone immensely. I’m sure the feeling is mutual.

We had a wonderful trip, but my chief concern since we’ve been back is, how the hell did the five loads of laundry I just did when we got home fit into those suitcases? I could’ve sworn I only packed 3-4 outfits for each of us, and for some reason, it feels like I had to wash every stitch of clothing we owned when we got home. Ridiculous.

For those of you who didn’t know, we spent last Thursday through Sunday at the Nickelodeon Suites Resort in Orlando, and we also went to LEGOLAND on Sunday. The kids had a wonderful time, but to be honest, if I could re-do the entire trip, I never would’ve even bothered with LEGOLAND. It was cool, and the kids liked it, but the kids would’ve been happier to just spent the entire time at the resort. That place was amazing, even though I was so totally saturated by Nickelodeon characters that I was seeing SpongeBob and Patrick in my dreams. That place has everything any kid could possibly want out of a vacation, on premises. I’d recommend it to anyone who’s vacationing with kids, even though the chicken wings there must’ve come from a golden chicken chosen and anointed by the good Lord himself, because they were a dollar each. Jesus.

I’m going to tackle this post in a play-by-play, bulleted form, because I really don’t know how else to do it. We’ll go day by day.

Thursday: I set my alarm the night before for 4:30 AM, but when it went off, I knew I couldn’t peel myself out of bed at that hour, so I laid there, like the lazy heifer I am, for another 45 minutes. Finally, Mike and I hauled ourselves out of bed and started dragging every single thing we own into the car. Word of advice to those who have never traveled with children: if you are planning to travel with small children, be prepared to transport the entire contents of your home. Finally, after Carl and Leland asking us if we were ready to go about 65 times, we were ready to go. We headed out, and the trip was pretty smooth, except for Mallory expressing her total disapproval of the entire trip by screaming her head off for almost an hour straight. I hopelessly stroked her leg, attempting to comfort her, and at one point, I thought maybe my arm was going to be stuck in that position, and I’d have to explain to all the people at Nickelodeon Suites that I’d been disfigured for life because my daughter wouldn’t stop hollering in the backseat. Finally, she fell asleep, and the rest of the ride was uneventful. When we finally made it to the resort, we had a poor, unsuspecting bellhop unload our car, and he must’ve been cursing us the entire time, because we had a ton of shit. Once we got settled into our SpongeBob Squarepants themed room, we decided to check out the splash pad area. It’s a shame we were totally unaware that the Orlando area was experiencing a coldfront that day, because after about twelve minutes, my kids were shivering like they were in the middle of Siberia. We hightailed it back to our room, where we ended up ordering room service- one dollar chicken wings and your firstborn for a plate of pasta.

Friday: we woke up to a balmy 48 degrees, when I promptly realized I’d packed not a single top for myself that had sleeves. Upon that rousing revelation, we trekked to the local Sizzler for a breakfast buffet that was about as nasty as you’d imagine a Sizzler breakfast buffet would be. After we enjoyed that culinary delight, we came back to the hotel, and while I thawed out, the boys watched some TV and Mallory napped. Once the weather got warmer in the afternoon, we went down to the arcade, where we spent $40 in coins for the kids to accrue enough tickets for two whoopee cushions and a lollipop. We returned to our room, where Leland promptly popped one of the whoopee cushions by throwing himself on top of it like his life depended on that fart noise. Once the weather warmed up, we visited the waterpark area again, where we spent the better part of the afternoon, before we met up with SpongeBob and Carl ran away like he was on fire because he was terrified of the giant SpongeBob trying to give him a hug. I got my people watching on while the kids played in the splash pad, and it seems I’m out of touch with the fashion of today’s youth. Since when is it acceptable for a teenage girl to wear a string bikini at the Nickelodeon Suites Resort while she’s on vacation with her family? And how many 9 year olds in this world have iPhones? Is this real life?

Saturday: Carl had been talking non-stop about getting slimed, and since I’m a 90’s Nick kid, I was all about it. They have mass slimings a few times a day, and when it was time to get slimed, Carl sold me up the river, and I ended up getting slimed by myself with Leland and Mallory. Be not so foolish as I was: that slime is not the slime of 90’s Nick kid lore. That slime was just water with green dye in it, and it was COLD. AS. HELL. I ran out of there like someone had ripped my arm off, screaming like a wild banshee, before I realized I’d left Leland there, pissed as all hell. Luckily, Mike got this entire ordeal on camera. I bailed on poor Leland, who was frozen solid, covered in green shit, wailing. After I ran back to get him, he wouldn’t stop screaming at me, and then he just sat there the rest of the time, wrapped in his towel, looking pretty hostile. I guess I lost my mom of the year award after that stunt.

On Saturday, we attended a mini family reunion with my husband’s side of the family who live in the Orlando area and nearby. It was a really nice get together, with lots of delicious food and good company. Even though Mallory got pretty fussy at one point, and I was pretty sure she was in need of an exorcism at another point, we all had a great time catching up and seeing a lot of people we hadn’t seen in a while. It was really great. And I forgot Mallory’s shoes, since I’m obviously brilliant and genius. So she was barefoot the whole time. I’m telling you, I’m destined for People of Walmart.

Sunday: Sunday, Sunday! Sunday was LEGOLAND day, and also the day the boys chose to beat each other senseless before 7 AM. Once we were on the way to LEGOLAND, they seemed to settle down a bit, and the weather was beautiful when we got there, so we were all stoked. It’s incredible how Carl was chattering up a storm the entire way there, talking about all the rides he wanted to go on, and things he wanted to do. When we got there, he was suddenly uninterested in the rides, didn’t want to do anything, was too scared to get on anything. This is the same child who was too scared to take a picture with SpongeBob, too scared to get slimed, but had no hesitation flying like a human projectile down a 40 foot waterslide at the Nickelodeon resort. Go figure. We mostly walked around and looked at Lego exhibits, and ate at this pizza buffet, where Leland ate a plate of “salad,” which was really just a plate of Ranch dressing with four pieces of lettuce on it. Finally, around 2:00 in the afternoon, we called it a day and headed home, which was a fairly pleasant ride, except for when Mallory started fussing again, and I used my amazing bubble gum blowing prowess to keep them entertained for a good half hour. I am a lady of many gifts and talents.

I have never been more grateful to be home than I was when we got home. To sleep in my own bed, to have all the little extras that we take for granted on a daily basis, is all so wonderful. But the best part, above all, is not dreaming about SpongeBob and Squidward.