So British GQ published an exhaustive, exhausting cover story about the boys of One Direction.

Like most things 1D-related, you might expect it to be awesome, but instead it sneers at and debases the group's young female fan base. Tumblr user buttercreamdicks catalogued the worst quotes describing the sexuality of girls who love 1D, and each and every one of them is almost painfully boneheaded and offensive. Let's take a very side-eye-heavy look!

Writer Jonathan Heaf starts off by noting the "immense transformative power of a boy band to turn a butter-wouldn’t-melt teenage girl into a rabid, knicker-wetting banshee."

Here we go, y'all — the latest in a long-standing tradition of reducing female music fans to uncontrollable, oversexed wraiths instead of people stoked to be in the audience of an act they adore. Original!

Because screaming teenage girls at a concert are clearly "a spectacle of the natural world — like the aurora borealis or the migration of wild bison."

Get it? Young women aren't human people at all! They're just horny, feral animals with no self-control whatsoever!! Thank goodness the men — who know far better than they do — are here to compare female children to buffalo or whatever, because that's a WAY more rational line of thought than a girl deciding to cheer for a band she loves!

Heaf, you see, is astounded by the “thousands of female fans caught on the cusp of their own sexual awakening."

But... did he, like, talk to any of them, or ask them about it? Not in this feature. In this feature, he just assumes that screaming = UNSTOPPABLE PUBERTY EXPLOSION, because teenage girls are craaazy like that!

What's the logic behind this, anyway? Well, "it was Keith Richards, after all, who testified in the documentary Crossfire Hurricane to ‘rivers running down the aisles’ while playing those first Rolling Stones gigs way back in 1962."

Oh, because KEITH RICHARDS, a cool rock guy, said something 40 years ago, Heaf is unimpeachably correct in his assumption that girls are basically nothing more than leaky orifices. It's SCIENCE, or something! Who even knows!

Finally, he observes "20,000 wide-open mouths, hundreds of pleading white eyes, 40,000 palms raised skywards, a dark-pink oil slick that howls and moans and undulates with every impish crotch-thrust from their idols’ plinths."