Among the many great mysteries of life for me is this one: political candidates who loudly proclaim themselves to be conservative, all the while gleefully flushing handfuls of thousand dollar bills down the toilet.

One of the tenants of conservatism that is usually most loudly touted is this one: diligent watchfulness over the spending of every dollar.

Indeed, with the rise to prominence (if that’s what you want to call it) of the Tea Party, tight-fisted fiscal obsessiveness is practically the defining trait of conservatism.

Hooray for Thundershirts! Our dog, Lucy, is deathly afraid of thunderstorms and firecracker pops. She would nervously pace the house every time a storm came or on the Fourth of July, virtually inconsolable, shaking and cowering until the noise stopped.

Then a friend told us about the Thundershirt. It’s basically a wrap-around for dogs that attaches with Velcro and somehow provides them the comfort they need to make it through the rumbles and explosions of our violent Kansas storms. The Thundershirt has saved the day for Lucy.

But some people don’t feel the same way about him. My much better half, Karen, for instance, confessed recently that Rat Fink is just so ugly she can hardly stand to look at him. I just gave her (what I imagined to be) a vaguely cryptic smile, thinking to myself, “She can be forgiven. She doesn’t have the history with Rat Fink that I have.”

You know that soccer mom who jogs by your house every morning? The other day she went right up to your son’s third grade teacher and stripped her naked of the due process rights she’s had for the last 57 years here in Kansas.

And that guy who was smiling and joking with me in the checkout line at the grocery last Saturday? He lit a firebomb, taped a tax credit for private school supporters on it, and flung it through the window of a first grade classroom in the wee hours of Sunday morning.

Whew! That ol’ Kansas wind! It’s been blowing like crazy lately with gusts up to 35 miles per hour and higher.

It’s been blowing so hard that it completely blew the cover off a couple of Koch subsidiaries.

The Kansas Chamber of Commerce and Americans for Prosperity were left shivering and coverless by those recent gusts. The Kansas Chamber and Americans for Prosperity are known for their own windy proclamations about jobs and how much they, oh, so sincerely just want what’s best for the Kansas economy.

Happy Valentine's Day to all you googly-eyed lovers out there! Give your honey an extra little squeeze this morning, safe and secure in the knowledge that your Kansas Legislature is working tirelessly in defense of the sanctity of the right kind of marriage.