Tuesday, June 4, 2013

What brought all of this discussion on? Ouch...this hurts! Well, two weeks ago tomorrow I met this guy. Said guy and I hit it off! He was so easy to talk to and we could have talked for hours! Said guy came over and hung out on a Friday night. We kept talking into the wee hours. Said guy came over again on the following Monday. We talked again until the wee hours. I was enjoying where this was going. It was good! BUT on Wednesday we texted back and forth most of the day. First off I am not a HUGE fan of texting a whole lot because tone and emotion get lost and misinterpreted in texting. He found my insecurity. I allowed him to push me to talk about my insecurity. But by opening up about my insecurity I kept asking if "I" was ok? I was looking for that rejection. Since he found my insecurity I wanted to be affirmed by seeing him, by getting a hug. He had told me the day before that he was going to be busy for the next few weeks because of an assistant manager being fired. But I continued to push and asked 4 times if I could see him! I ruined something that could have been. That I will now not know what could have been. I was told I was too pushy and needy. I will agree with the pushy part. I also learned that by being in an unhealthy relationship for 11.5 years where I constantly sought out the rejection and the negativity that I have to reprogram my mind to know that not every guy is the same. That being talked down to is not "normal". So, the next time something good is placed in my lap I am going to enjoy it rather than seek out the rejection!

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Now the more in depth part of this........
My parents divorced in between my 5th and 6th grade years. That year the church that I had found stability in also split. So, not only was I going through the moving to a new school, house, and my parents finding a new church. I was also dealing with the loss of my dad moving out of state. So, going into 6th grade I was already insecure about moving and lacked the social skills that most kids have to make new friends. I clung to teachers because they were "safe" and were not going to reject me no matter how bad of a bowl cut I had or how ugly my teeth looked with braces or how hunched over I was! They accepted me. In many ways I wonder what my jr. high years could have been like HAD I been that outgoing, bubbly person that most people see now! Well, the fact is I can't go back and change it but I can learn from it! In some ways I see myself utilizing the gifts that God has given me to reach out to jr. high kids who are in that weird awkward stage of life. When I am in the midst of ministering to jr. high kids it is the one place that I know I am NOT going to be rejected! I can let my wall down and be who I was meant to be. In high school I knew people but didn't have a "group" of friends that I hung out with either. In some ways looking back I super duper protected myself by putting all sorts of Christian Band Patches on my backpack and wearing "Christian" shirts to school. I had a nice bubble around myself because I didn't want to get hurt. I'll never forget being in 7th grade gym class and this kid, his name was A.J.....he came up to me and asked if I wanted to go out. I looked at him and said "no"! I mean really who would have wanted to go out with me? I don't even think I would have wanted to go out with me! I was not the popular girl, nor the smart girl, nor the athletic girl. I was the girl who wanted to be noticed! In jr. high the cool kids wore Guess Jeans and had Esprite bags. Do you remember those things? I remember clearly, my mom taking me to the mall to look at buying a pair of Guess jeans and they were over $60 and she was like clearly I am not spending that kind of money on jeans for you. REJECTION!!!!!!!! Now my mom wasn't doing this out of hate, it just was not in the budget at that time. From her saying "NO" to that I learned to condition myself that I was not worth this or that. Now your thinking, didn't you know your mom LOVED you! YES, I knew she loved me but for me this was more about how I was accepted at school. I thought oh if I have those jeans then I can be accepted with the cool kids! As I grew up throughout high school I learned as so many of you have to build that wall up around me. If I don't let people in I won't have to feel rejected. I didn't go through the "normal" high school boyfriend/girlfriend statues because I didn't want to be hurt. I built that wall. Why do we build a wall? Why wouldn't we want to let someone in? It's much easier to build the wall and just be casual than to let someone get in and know our heart. To know the good, the bad, the ugly and STILL LOVE US for US! This is my challenge going forward, to allow people in who want to invest in my life, who want to love me for me and stomp that fear of rejection in the ground! If I get rejected it was for a good reason. One I may or may not ever know or comprehend. I have one more post to write. Just not tonight! What are you thoughts?

I am going to start a mini series on Rejection! We have all dealt with it in one form or another. I am going to be vulnerable about my experience with rejection!

Rejection HURTS!!!! I don't know for you but for me it is easier to build this happy wall around myself so that I don't have to put myself out there to be rejected. If this is all they see then they will accept me and like me. They won't know the hurt, broken and some times crazy Jennifer. If I have my guarded wall around they will only know the fun, full of life Jennifer. As I was talking to my co-worker the other day about how I push people to reject me so that I don't have to allow myself to get hurt. It takes away the beauty of falling in love and getting to know someone because I am more worried about what they are thinking and if I am doing the right thing that will please them. My co-worker said "you just need to ENJOY getting to know the other person and LET them tell YOU when they don't like something you are doing INSTEAD of constantly ASKING them!" The light bulb went on and I realized that I am in a new phase of life and I need to put the past behind me the past where I was ALWAYS looking for approval despite being rejected time and time again. I need to ENJOY this time! How about you..........do you not knowing look to be rejected because then it might not hurt so bad in the end? I know that this is kind of all over the place. My next post will be a bit more organized and detailed. Thanks for reading! :)