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Ronald Reagan received an outpouring of tributes Sunday for
winning the Cold War. Life in those years was so carefree. Sure,
nuclear war threatened the annihilation of the human race every
day, but you were in and out of the airport in five minutes.

Ernie Els won the Memorial in suburban Ohio. The golfers
were plagued by the sight and the roar of billions of giant black
bugs called cicadas. The last time John Daly saw something like
this he was strapped to a gurney at the Betty Ford Center.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger stars in a cameo
role in the movie Around the World in Eighty Days. He plays a
sultan with dozens of women in his harem. Ever the perfectionist,
Schwarzenegger rehearsed for over thirty years.

O.J. Simpson complained Friday about his parental
responsibilities. He said it's tough being a single parent
nowadays. Kids get so attached to their nannies during the murder
trial that it sometimes takes years to regain authority over them.

CIA Director George Tenet quit Thursday after mistakenly
reporting that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. It was a
tearful good-bye. His last official act was to call Pete Rose and
tell him that Smarty Jones was a slam dunk in the Belmont.

Iraqis were reported Friday to be paying a nickel a gallon
for gasoline. They have no speed limit or income tax and whiskey
is a dollar a quart. If this country was any freer it would join
Las Vegas and Bill Clinton in the Axis of Elvis.

John Kerry in Minneapolis Friday issued a call for one million
U.S. veterans to support him. He got no press coverage and he's
getting desperate. Ever since President Reagan died, John Kerry has
called Bill Clinton every three hours to see if he's running a temperature.

Warren Beatty co-hosted a Hollywood gala for John Kerry
Monday. In his youth, the movie star was suggested by President
Kennedy to play him in PT-109, but the studio wouldn't hear of it.
It's the closest Kennedy ever came to giving himself away.