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Monday, December 31, 2007

Alright, now that I've got your attention, let's talk about making realistic New Year's resolutions. You and I both know you aren't going to loose weight, ride more, watch less TV, eat more veggies, sleep more, sleep less, donate to charity, talk to your kids, etc. so don't set yourself up for failure by telling yourself that maybe this time it will be different.It won't be.

But, there are some resolutions that are attainable. You can resolve to eat 2 servings of veggies a month, to watch no more than 10 hours of TV a day, to spend no more than 6 hours a day mindlessly surfing the interweb, to wash your bedsheets every 6 months, to shower at least once a month, brush your teeth once a week, call your parents once every two months or when you need $ or whichever comes first, etc. These are resolutions that are within your grasp.

Furthermore, if you are going to be spending a considerable percentage of your waking hours watching TV and/or surfing the interweb, you can also resolve to develop your vocabulary. In this spirit, I have taken the time to compile a list of words and phrases that I have collected in this past year. You may already be familiar with some of the following terms but treat this list not as a comprehensive, be all and end all list, but rather as a skeleton list with which to start your New Year off on.

ass hatchetnounType of saddle that is particularly uncomfortablesee also 'beaver cleaver'

beaver cleavernounGenerally refers to a type of women's saddle that is particularly uncomfortablesee also 'ass hatchet'

BRIDEacronym Bicycle Racing Induced Disordered Eating, a disorder in which very restrictive eating habits and patterns are adopted in the name of bicycle racing. Believe it or not there is a difference between eating healthy and disordered eating.Ex. Bob's got a horrible case of BRIDE. He'll only eat raw food that is vegan, wheat-free, shade grown, certified organic, fair trade, locally grown, and unprocessed. I think he can only eat at home, surrounded by his measuring cups and his gram scale, or at Cafe Gratitude.

brodeonounAny gathering that is predominately maleSee also 'sausage fest'

bromancenounAn unusually strong attachment between two (supposedly) hetero men

carbon fibrenountype of material that is used in the construction of bicycles. Tomorrow's carbon fibre is significantly more laterally stiff, vertically compliant, and lighter than the carbon fiber of yesterday

duditudeNounManner, disposition, or body posture that is aggressively and obnoxiously dudely

'friscoNounPreferred abbreviation of San Francisco

fanny packnounBag that is worn around the waist. No, it is not called a hip pack, you fucking hipster turd nug, it's a fanny pack and if you don't have the cajones to call it what it is because it makes you think of a sweaty, bovine, balding midwestern man at the county fair then don't fucking wear one you pansySyn. man-purseEx. If Jackie Phelan rides with a fanny pack, there must be something to it!

fastadjectiveDescribes a rider that is capable of dropping 90% of the population. Sometimes euphemistically used as a synonym for a BRIDEitis or 'rexie rider.

fixtenounColloquial term for a fixed gear bicycle that originated in NovatoSyn. fixie

"I used to be a runner"/"I ran in college/high school/etc."idiomRider who is in the process of transitioning from cyclist to triathleteSyn.'future triathlete'

laughing groupnounGroup of racers that compete for the title of "Lantern Rouge"

manscapenouna view or scene in which the predominate subject is a particularly attractive man or group of menEx. Say what you will about the evils of SlowCal; the manscapes of SlowCal are generally of higher quality then the manscapes of NorCal.

mantathalonnounSemi-competitive event that features several different masculine tasks. Often includes ball scratching, belching, beer guzzling, farting, etc.

MuppetsnounCult of athletes who are working collectively and successfully to dominate, destroy, and conquer every event that they enter. They should be considered armed and dangerous.

road baconnounColloquial term for the abrasions and injuries that a rider sustains when they crashsyn. road rashrelated forms: bacon

singlespeedernounDescribes a cyclist who rides a bike with one gearSyn. Alcoholic, Stoner

SlowCalnounAbbreviation of Southern Californiarelated form: SoCal

strongadjectivePhysically able to produce a large amount of power. Sometimes euphemistically used as a synonym for fat, sturdy, etc. when describing other riders.Ex. Penelope sure is strong but she can't climb to save her life.

testacularadjectivean event that is generally masculine in character (e.g. a pissing contest)syn. mantastic

totesabbreviation of totallyEx. "Want to stop and get some coffee at Peets?" "Totes."

trotsnounExercise induced disorder that is characterized by the increased need to visit the bathroom

winter weightnounWeight that is gained at the end of the road racing season. Varies from 5 to 20lbs and is more common in the northern, colder latitudes. Provides additional cushion for 'cross racing.

WLBacronymWhiny Little Bitch, seen almost exclusively by the side of the road futzting with their saddle height, their cleat position, and/or their handlebars. Also found in bike shops on sunny weekend afternoons vocally describing their innumerable neurotic issues

I hope that this list serves you well and that you all have a happy new year.Love and other stuff,Ms. B. Hayven