Group Discussions

Husbands and chores!

Does your partner do chores around the house? My problem is DH thinks he does a lot more than he actually does. Does anyone have a schedule or chart to make sure everyone does their agreed-upon chores? Share your experiences!

Oh my goodness Diane... this has always been a sore spot in our marriage. I tried the spreadsheet thing too and that just didn't work for me. I figured that since I'm home, I am going to try to get as much housework done as possible. It's not that he expects it, but I feel like I should at least try my best while I'm here!

So what I have done is set aside half-hour increments to get certain things done. So after the baby goes down, I clean the house- laundry, dishes, sweep, stuff like that- for a half hour. Then I do business stuff for a half-hour. Then it's time to get baby up and get my son from school. Then it's lunch and nap, so I do the same thing during naptime.

I have tried to designate DAYS to getting things done, but that didn't work. And my hubby definitely helps out around here. He does dishes and laundry and stuff. I think that the more effort I show, the more he gives too. Sometimes that helps!!

I'm tired. So maybe this would be snarkier than I intend, but maybe it will help. What if you were to post a simple sheet of paper on the fridge with 2 columns, one for you and one for him. Then as the week happens, list the household chores each performs. Don't make a comment or a show of things. This should be about as exciting as adding milk to the grocery list. It's probably best to talk about this before you do it. You can talk about wanting to know how much work it takes to keep the house going. Something very diplomatic. And he should add anything he does that you don't notice. Pay bills, change the oil, plan trips, etc. maybe do this, week by week, for a month. And see what happens. Maybe he'll start doing more. Maybe not, but you'll both have a clearer picture of what needs to be done and who's doing it.

I'm lucky. My husband doesn't do much but he doesn't expect much either. We'd have some serious friction around here if he demanded a spotless house with the same amount of effort from him.

My husband does a ton around the house. He washes most of the dishes (and by most I mean about 80-90 percent). I do most of the cooking (80-90%). He does most of the laundry, we both pick up around the house. He does the trash and walks the dog. I do most of the deep cleaning like sweeping, mopping, dusting, and the bathroom. I do most things for our daughter like bathing her and putting her to sleep, but he does a lot of the diaper changes when he is at home. I'm pretty darn happy with the way we have things split up. In fact, sometimes I worry that I don't do enough. Then when I push myself to the max I end up feeling like crap and taking it out on him. He prefers a happy wife to an overworked one.

When we first got married he didn't help out very much, and it was a major issue for us. We talked about it, and he actually wanted to help, but thought I was judgmental when he did help. The truth was, that I was not only asking him to help out, but to do everything my way. It drove him crazy and made him not want to help. Sometimes I still have to catch myself before I tell him how to do everything. It really helps us to talk out what each of our points of view are...sometimes the problem can be fixed by simply being more supportive...but maybe it's something else.

MamaJama, I think you are right on. I learned from watching my friends that got married before me that the quickest way to do all the housework by yourself is to criticize the way your husband does it. I sacrificed THREE - count 'em THREE cashmere sweaters to my husband learning to do my laundry - and I didn't criticize, and I always thanked him, and now he does 90% of our laundry - CORRECTLY! It is a beautiful thing. SO worth 3 sweaters! Also, I have lost 3 wine glasses to the dishes cause, but hey - I look at it like this - if I could pick between a few ruined clothes, or broken glasses and no help, I choose help. Some people can't take the damage though, so it's a personal choice. Of course, maybe I just have a wonderful husband! Also, HUGE disclaimer - we have a cleaning lady that takes care of the windows, floors, dusting, and major bathroom scrubbing. If we didn't, the house would go to seed.

The list thing has never worked for me either and the bottom line girls is we were made to multi task! My husband (What does DH mean anyways?) can do one thing at a time and that is it! So he does the dishes and cleans up the kitchen 9 times out of 10, and I will leave the dishwasher so he can put them away. Sometimes (not very often) he will say, I am sick of cleaning up this kitchen...my response, you can go clean the bathroom, put away the clothes, change the sheets on the bed, dust, vacuum.....and he usually stops. He does like to do windows!!! And he is great at wiping down the cabinets in the kitchen.

My advice, after being married for almost 12 years....find out what he is good at and have him focus on that.And if you can...get a cleaning lady! But seriously, do not be too concerned about the house, it will be there no matter what. I have definitely learned to relax in that envirnment...there have been a few times he has said, the house is trashed! And my response "Yep!"