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THE 3 DUCKS A man walks into a bar carrying three ducks under his arms. The bartenderhas learned not to question people when they bring animals into the bar.So the man sits down and starts to drink. After a while the man gets upand walks to the bathroom. When the man leaves the bartender looks atthe ducks and starts to talk to them.

"So what are your names?"

The first duck responds, "My name is Hewi."

So then the bartender goes, "And how was your day?"

The first ducks says, "Great! I was in and out of puddles all day long."

So the bartender goes to the second duck and asks, "What's your name?"

The second duck says, "My name is Dewi."

Again the bartender asks, "And how was your day?"

The duck responds, "Great! I was in and out of puddles all day."

So the bartender goes to the third duck and goes, "Your name must be Louithen."

Josephine had a problem...her husband Thomas was a drunkard and a wife-beater. Everynight he would get drunk with all his cronies and come home to give her a beating.One night he comes in drunk as usual... "Josephine, ya mad bitch! come downstairs so I can beat ya senseless." he says."No, No! please, don't beat me" cries Josephine..."I'll call my brother to protect me!"Then Tom says: "Your brother???!!!...Bollocks!" cries Tom and gives the poor woman a sound beating.Josephine goes to the shrink as usual the next day and tells him what is going on...The shrink suggests next time she threatens to call the cops.

Next day she goes to the shrink again complaining that all his ideas are bogus and that her husband just says "Bollocks!" and beats her senseless anyway. So the shrink pulls out a little box with holes and out comes a little but feisty hound. "What is that?" asks Josephine contemptuously. "That is Narles..." says the doctor. He understands English and bites anything you tell him to... just say "husband" or "Tom" and he will attack your husband. So the desperate woman takes the little mutt home for protection.

In comes Tom that night drunk as a coot. "Woman!... come and get your mauling!""Don't beat me" says Josephine "I have Narles here and I will make him bite you!" "HAH!!!" shouts the drunken man "A little mutt?... Narles you say?" bellowing out loud laughs the man says "Bollocks!"And then Narles bit off his nuts.

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife, Joanne, came down with a terrible headache and told her husband Frank to go to the party alone. Frank, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So Frank took his costume and away he went.

After sleeping soundly for an hour, Joanne awakened and realized that her headache was gone. It was still early, so she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he behaved when she was not with him.

Joanne joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him. Seeing her as a rather seductive new babe, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to Joanne.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little romantic interlude.

Just before the unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home. Joanne put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in. Joanne asked him what kind of a time he had.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys. We went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

The Spirits of Halloween .

This happened in a little town in Northern Saskatchewan. Even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

Harry was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark and stormy Halloween night. The night was getting darker and the rain came harder, and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly Harry saw a car come toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, Harry got in the car and closed the door. Just as he realized there was nobody behind the wheel, the car started to move. As his panic set in, he looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared beyond belief, he started to pray, begging for his life. Just when the car got to the curve, and Harry thought it was all over, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel.

Harry was paralyzed in terror as he watched the hand appear every time the car got to a curve.

Gathering strength, Harry jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went to a bar and asked for two shots of rye. He started telling everyone about the horrible experience he went through. The crowd sat in an eerie silence when they realized that Harry was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina. One said to the other, "Look Pete, there's the jerk that got in the car when we were pushing it."

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previousday…

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained.

“Well, doc, it’s like this—first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing… We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

Three men were sitting in a bar,drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.The first one says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week shewent to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was onsale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."The second one agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife isthicker."Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," helaments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"The third one nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound likethey both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me everytimeI think of it," he chuckles. "My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. Iwatched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms inthere and she doesn't even have a penis!"

I'M ABOUT 8 INCHES LONG.**** * ********MY FUNCTIONING IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES.************I'M USUALLY FOUND HANGING AROUND, LOOSELY, READYFOR INSTANT ACTION.************I BOAST A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE ENDAND A SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER.************IN USE, I'M INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY,MOIST OPENING.************THERE I'M THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAINMANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY ANDACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.************ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZETHE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THEWELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS.************WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, I LEAVE BEHIND A JUICY,FROTHY, STICKY WHITE SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILLNEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THEOPENING AND SOME FROM MY LONG GLISTENING SHAFT.************AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING ANDCLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING, I RETURNTO MY FREELY, HANGING STATE, OF REST. READY FORYET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION.************HOPEFULLY, I WILL REACH MY BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREETIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN IT IS MUCH LESS.************WHAT AM I ????***************AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TOTHE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN.... ***************TOOTHBRUSH !!!

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was reallystormy. They were standing on the back of the boatwatching the moon, when a wave came up and washed theold woman overboard. They searched for days andcouldn't find her, so the captain sent the old manback to shore with the promise that he would notifyhim as soon as they found something.Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a faxfrom the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, wefound your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. Wewe hauled herup to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster andin it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . .please advise". The old man faxedback: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap

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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruiseship holding her hat on tightly so that it would notblow off in the wind.A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me,madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you knowthat your dress is blowing up in this high wind?""Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands tohold onto this hat.""But, madam, you must know that your privates areexposed!" said the gentleman in earnest..The woman looked down, then back up at the man andreplied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 yearsold. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

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Three old ladies were sitting side by side in theirretirement home reminiscing.The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocersand demonstrated with her hands, the length andthickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.The second old lady nodded, adding that onions usedto be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstratedthe size of two big onions she could buy for a penny apiece.The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a wordyou're saying, but I remember the guy you're talkingabout.

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A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat nextto a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? Ijust ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is aspecial day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am alsocelebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As theyclinked glasses the man asked, 'What are youcelebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a childand today my gynecologist told me that I ampregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chickenfarmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did yourchickens become fertile?'

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem".

"I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account."

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each."

"However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: