Monday, March 17, 2014

NAHBS: Niches All Have Been Sold

Back in 2005 or thereabouts, a man with a kilt and a dream launched a custom bicycle show. He called it the "North American Handmade Bicycle Show." Thanks to the Internet, pictures of these bicycles went "viral," and they worked desk-bound Freds and other bike dorks up into a frothy lather. Orders were placed, queues for the top builders formed, and within a few years we were in the throes of a custom bike boom and the NAHBS grew into the builders' pimp and the world's most preeminent bike show in the entire universe.

So what happened?

This past weekend, in Charlotte (it's in one of the Carolinas or something) hosted the [insert number here]th NAHBS, and from what I can tell nobody really paid any attention. Well, okay, the usual nerds got media passes and took pictures (I'm looking at you, James Huang), but whither the ripples through the bike world you used to feel around showtime? Were you hovering over your keyboard for the those first bike nerd media updates? At its peak, the NAHBS truly captured the cycling zeitgeist. Remember when "townies" were a big thing, and it was all over-wrought city bikes? Remember when the fixie craze hit, and builders all reminded you what a proper track racing bike looked like? 29er, 650b, the resurgence of steel...all the cycling trends of the past ten years that we now take for granted can arguably trace their coalescence to the North American Handmade Bicycle Show.

Alas, those days are behind us. Granted, I didn't go to this year's show, and in fact I've only ever been to one (1) NAHBS, and that was Austin 2011. Even so, I'd argue that those of us who don't go have the most insight, since we're the regular schmucks to whom all this stuff ultimately trickles down. When the NAHBS began I was absolutely one of those desk-bound bike dorks, drooling all over stacks of work I wasn't doing and dreaming of one day owning some gaudy lugged overpainted Fred Chariot or some city bike I'd never lock up ever ever ever because it was way too fancy. In short, I'm Every Bike Dork, and I want to know where the magic went, goddamn it!

I blame the bike industry. When NAHBS started you couldn't walk into a bike shop and buy, say, a classy townie or an urban fixie. Now, though, the big companies are ON IT and there's no type of bicycle so arcane you can't check a box and order it through QBP. There are no niches left for the custom builders to fill! I mean, gravel bikes, for fuck's sake! It's a niche within a niche within a niche, yet there are 20 off-the-rack models you've got to wade through before you'd even think of ordering one from a builder--and if you do, by the time it's finished half the shit on it is going to be obsolete.

If anything, NAHBS now seems to be the place where the crabon companies unveil their new bits, and where the mainstream companies can go to get ideas for creative electronic shifter cable routing.

Also, it was in Charlotte, so there's that.*

*[Disclaimer: I have never been to Charlotte.]

Meanwhile, all the entrepreneurship seems to have shifted over to Kickstarter--which is not necessarily a good thing. At least NAHBS is still full of bikes you'd give your left nut or labia to ride, whereas Kickstarter is rancid with this sort of nonsense:

Dear Bike Snob,We are a team of young architects and avid cyclists keen on alternative transport systems. We are excited to present you our latest project - Halfbike, a very compact and light vehicle that may redefine the way we move around the city.

This stupid idiotic remedial adult tricycle proves two things: 1) Humankind will stop at nothing to fuck up and unravel the nearly perfect piece of engineering that is the safety bicycle; and 2) Humankind is disgusting and selfish, because people all over the world are starving, yet we've given the people responsible for this moronic exercise almost $25 thousand so far:

They should change the name from "Halfbike" to "Hopeless Symbol of Misanthropy and Despair Bike."

From my admittedly non-scientific observations over the years, I have determined that Ultra-Orthodox Jews freaking love Honda Odysseys, which means this recall will be the biggest blow to their freedom to drive since the invention of Shabbat.

Now that I have read the post - NAHMBS: I ALMOST went. it was only an hour and a half away, alas I had to be a desk bound Fred all weekend. My friend went and he had a great time. Charlotte isn't half bad a city - they have a bike share program and decent public transit. I have enjoyed each visit. Guess I'll have to go read up on Friday's comments now

The halfbike halfwit kickstarter is worth watching. The main selling points are:1. People will stare at you.2. People will initiate conversation with you, i.e. "..who was stupid enough to pay money for this....?"3. The designer wore a lab coat and safety glasses, in case someone through hot acid on him. 4. The ride is "zen-like".5. This bike will free your scranus.

On my ride in today I came across three people on those elliptical bike things in central park. what is the deal with those? They are like 10 feet long and look like they weigh 100lbs and have a top speed of like 10mph. Nearly as ridiculous as spike boarding.

Never been to Charlotte, eh? Good for you. I am from there and can testify to the fact that the city up and steals your soul. It is an evil city full of bankers and Baptists whose one redeeming characteristic is that it isn't in South Carolina.

NAHBS and Kickstarter, I can ignore. There's getting to be way too much bike racing on North American TV now. I get these brief lapses in my sanity where I think I should get a plastic bike. So far, I'm able to snap out of it, but if it gets worse, I may have to stop watching.

I always run the Kickstarter videos without the sound, because I'm douche-intolerant. But instead of Devo or Talking Heads, my streaming service of choice served up Depeche Mode's "Never Let Me Down" (..."I'm taking a ride with my best friend"...). That worked better than any intentional voice-over could have. Disappointment is a very human product.

Note to the Halfbike developers: you'll never even have a chance to sell that thing in America until it has a seat and a safety harness. And color-coordinated accessories..

Finally, the crossover point has arrived, where the Segway has been de-motorized, thus becoming the healthier choice compared to bicycles, which have now sprouted motors to save the riders the terrible energy expenditure of changing gears.

There's getting to be way too much bike racing on North American TV now.

That's because the TV rights are free, because guess what, no one wants to pay the UCI to watch a bunch of doped up bullshit artists "win" then show their best poker faces when the doping questions start. Been there, done that, got the stinky chamois.

Follow former Olympian Clara Hughes as she is undertaking a major biking challenge of her own. She set out this past Friday on a 12,000 km mission to bike around Canada for the next 110 days of grueling stretches including some of the most remote areas such as the Canadian Arctic. Here’s more information about it here: https://livingalpha.com/journal/clara-s-big-ride-day-1-toronto

If the half bike had been called an "extended unicycle" I doubt Snobby woulda been so aggrieved.

But one of the joys of attending to this blog is bopping along with Snobby's mood swings and he sure is crabby today; he takes issue with everything. Even Weiner Mortis's delightfully whimsical endeavours are presented in a clinical, cursory, cold manner; not even a hint of the usual infantile approval.

Cheer up Snobby, there's too much beauty* in the world to focus on the negative.

*Can't actually think of anything just at the moment, but as a fallback there's always that recumbent babe.

Custom bikes are great, but if you want one, stay away from the Richard Sachs and the Sacha Whites of the world. I am sure they they make great bikes, but they are hyper-expensive and the wait times are ridiculous. Instead, go with a well-respected local builder. Just about any reasonably sized American city has at least one good builder who can make EXACTLY the bike that you want and turn your order around in a couple of months.

If Dick Sachs is the only thing that excites you, then very delayed gratification may be in store for you.

The Velo Snooze's Editor's Pick for best in show at the NAHMBS is very 2007. http://tinyurl.com/p99azun Would any self-respecting cyclist in 2014 be caught dead on a stupid short wheelbase fixie with six-inch handlebars? Not that any self-respecting cyclists "rubbed" those stupid fucking things in the first place, but you get my point.

McFly - You know I'll give it my best go, though gently does it round those particular curves.

Clara Hughes rock-a-doodle-doos. I was thinking of cycling the 1200 km to my 30 year high school reunion in a couple of months. Only think is there will still be a lot of snow a-top the Rockies, so I dunno...

You've gotta love that Joy of Cycling advert. I still miss the UK some days...

Bikes made of glued together matchsticks are going to be the next craze. On the Rocky and Bullwinkle show the announcement would say "Tune in next time, a hot scranus it will be. Or, your scranus will go up in smoke."

Leroy, I saw a dog surfing once. He was one of those dogs that look just like Winston Churchill.

all the talk of custom bikes - I suppose I could find pleasure in going through that process and having someone build a bike just for my scranus, but I've got a bike herd - most picked up second (or 5th) hand - and most of them fit and feel great "off the rack" with little tweaking. So what's the point?

Went to the NAPBS (paw made) and gotta get the new paw bars in graph fright. Forgive me Leroy, but this new bark checker is as rough as that stupid bike seat my owner insists on. If only I could get a half cycle.Normy in the Dawg Suit

Inquire Within? I knocked but no one answered. So I stuck my head in. Nothing. Finally I checked the back door and it was small but I managed to squeeze in. Well worth the effort. Hated to come and go but I will be back.

Ah, the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign campus penis ride made news. Ethan will be so proud. It's his dick. The route, that is. Just glad to say I've not been on it. The route! Seriously. I mean, I've seen it, cause, you know, who hasn't? Half the campus has been on Ethan's penis. They just didn't know it. It's just lays there. You need a Garmin to find it.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!