Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man.

The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man emphatically. "Enough is enough."

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife and the other is my mistress."

The other man shrugged and said: "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, he turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said: "Small world!"

__________________

__________________Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened and he was informed that the woman had been stung by a bee and was having a reaction.

"Where was she bit?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole" was the reply.

"Wow!” he replied, “She must have been standing right over the hive."

__________________

__________________Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said: "I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That’s quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

Puzzled, the lawyer asked: "How do you start a flood?"

__________________Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

What is the difference between girls aged:
8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, and 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!

__________________Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”

The father replies, “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”

The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?”

The mother replies, “Hell yes I would!”

The little boy returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

The father then says, “OK, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”

The boy asks his sister, “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?”

The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”

He returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

The father answers, “OK, son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.”

__________________Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the sheriff.

“Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin’ walkin’ down Main Street wearin’ nothin’ but your gun belt and boots?”

“Well Sheriff, it’s a long story.”

“I ain’t going nowhere”, said the sheriff.

“Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin’ kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, ‘Why don’t we go out to the barn?’ So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddlin’ and smoochin’ and Mary Lou said, ‘Why don’t we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.’ So we did.”

He continued. “We started cuddlin’ and smoochin’ some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gun belt and boots. Then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said, ‘Okay, Billy-Bob, go to town.’”

__________________Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

The english referee was at the pearly gates. Saint Peter came and interviewed him.
"Do you think you belong in heaven?"
"Yes" replied the referee. "I have done what is right for the game of soccer time and time again."
Saint Peter asked "Could you give me an example?".
"Sure. Brazil scored and made the game 1-0 and was holding on against Germany. Then the German striker got taken down with about 30 seconds left and I awared the penalty kick. Germany could have tied the game right there."
Saint peter started getting excited and into the game. "I don't remember this. What happened next".
"Not sure" the referee said, "I awarded the penalty kick about 30 seconds ago."

__________________Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.One person's stupidity is another person's job security.

Reminds me of my favorite line from "The Great Lebowski:" "I'm sure it's in there. Let me take another look."

----------------

My wife is a witch. One day we were driving in the car and she told me she was a witch and could do magic. I expressed my skepticism, so she leaned over and whispered in my ear. Sure enough, I turned into a motel.

Trust the Irish to see through the blarney and see the basics of politics in just a few sentences...

A point to ponder despite anyone's political affiliation:

We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.On one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run. Now... On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship!! What in God's name are ya lads thinkin over in the colonies?

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."

__________________
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.<br />-Robert A. Heinlein

As soon as they met, Ford did not hesitate to ask God, "When you invented women, what were you thinking?"

"What do you mean?" God inquired.

"Why, women have major design flaws," Ford told him. "There is too much protrusion, they chatter way too much at high speeds, & their maintenance is too high."

"In addition," Ford continued, "they constantly need re-painting, they are out of commission at least 5 or 6 days out of every month, & their rear ends wobble."

"Finally," Ford concluded, "the intake is too close to the exhaust, the headlights are too small, & fuel consumption is outrageous."

God then told Ford to wait while He went over to check out some information on His Celestial Computer. Upon returning, God informed the car maker: "The invention may be flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Latest Threads

Social Knowledge Community

About Us

This community was started in 2002 as an alternative to a then fee only Motley Fool. The focus of the discussions is on topics related to early retirement and financial independence. The community is moderated to ensure a pleasant experience for our members.