Last week there was that new iPhone rubbish. If you lined up for that, you need to buy a new mirror.

Then go home and have a good hard look at yourself. Because there’s something very wrong with you.

You know what’s more important than football?

It’s not an iPhone, not an election and it’s not breathing. It’s nothing. There’s nothing more important than football.

This Saturday it’s Xmas, New Year and every other holiday rolled into one. It’s Australian Xmas – it’s AFL Grand Final Day.

An iPhone is a product that will be forgotten and discarded as soon as the next one comes along. Who remembers lining up for the Nokia 2210? Nobody. Well nobody who’ll admit to it, but people did.

Who remembers the time they were at an AFL Grand Final and their team won? Every single person who was there. Forever.

If you’re actually a club member of Hawthorn or Sydney, you should wake up early, sleep out, and do whatever you can to get a Grand Final ticket. There’s nothing like being there.

No, don’t bother. Because you know what you can’t line up for this year if you’re a club member? Grand Final tickets.

There’s some ballot system, which randomly gives out a meagre amount of tickets available to club members.

I think this is one of the biggest outrages in the history of the world. If you ignore all history that isn’t AFL.

The AFL know they have a product that everyone wants. It’s exactly like the hot girl at a nightclub. She gets to act like a bitch, because she knows she’ll still get attention.

The supporters aren’t going anywhere. So although the sponsors, the players, the clubs, the broadcasters and the AFL depend on them for survival, they take them for granted.

You know what we value in Australia above just about everything else? Fairness.

What I want is a fair go for football club members.

If you buy a membership, you should get first go at a Grand Final ticket. Stuff the sponsors and the corporates. If you’ve been to over half of your team’s games in a year, then you should get a ticket.

The MCG holds nearly exactly 100,000 people.

In 2014 Sydney has a membership of 38,319.

In 2014 Hawthorn has a membership of 65,494.

However there are a maximum of approximately 35,000 tickets for both club’s members.

This is bullshit.

I’m sick and tired of preliminary finals that have a far better atmosphere than the Grand Final, because there are actual supporters there. Instead of idiots in suits who spend the first half trying to understand the rules, and the second half in the bar.

It’s like you’re getting married. Then instead of inviting all your friends and family, and all the people that have supported you through your whole life, you just invite those who own the reception centre, your boss from work, and the bloke who owns the catering company, and some priests. You know what that wedding is? It’s really boring.

However, this is far more important than a wedding, because it’s football.

You know who gets married on Grand Final Day? Only idiots.

More tickets for club members. Now.

Catch the one man comedy show ‘Xavier Toby – Mining My Own Business’ at the Melbourne Fringe until Sep 26.