‘Real Housewives of Miami’: Charity case

Lo Peor spends the day before the Gala de Peor screaming at Freda and badgering late RSVPs, like Alexia, into attending. Alexia not only has los sniffles, but she explains that she has committed to going to some sort of gay polo event with las otras mujeres. ¡Lo Peor is aghast! ¡And insultado! ¡¿BUT WHAT ABOUT LOS NIÑOS?! ¡¿WON’T ALEXIA THINK OF LOS NIÑOS?!

At la casa de Chichis, Lisa and Dr. Chichis return from the fertility doctor’s office, and Lisa whines SOME MORE about having to use a surrogate. Escuchar. I am certain that suffering from infertility is grueling, both physically and emotionally. And I applaud Los Chichis for addressing the issue so publicly (unlike some housewives, LA MALOOF), because I’m cierto that they are helping other people in the process. But there has to be something more to say about this issue other than repeating the same conversation in which Lisa whines that she wants to carry el bebé herself, Dr. Chichi robotically explaining to her that this is un scientific imposibilidad, and Lisa screaming that ¡DR. CHICHI NO UNDERSTAND! Move it along, Chichis.

On el día de la Gala, Adriana, Marysol, Ana, Alexia and Lauren “I won’t be bullied by that Housewife with a weiner” Foster pile onto the requisite Bravo stripper bus to go to their gay polo event in West Palm Beach. On the bus, Adriana laments that her ojos are all puffy from crying all night after Romain was kinda rude to her at the Venue magazine fiesta, porque pobrecita La Loca. Lauren Foster refers to Romain as a “thug in Ferragamos” which, sí, perfecto. And then it begins to rain outside and the stripper bus leaks all over las mujeres, jajajajajaja.

Las mujeres arrive at the polo match, which is a muddy affair filled with guapo polo players, drunken leprechauns and cheetahs. Claro, por supuesto. Alexia acts all cagey and weird because she has yet to reveal to las otras mujeres that she is planning on going to la Gala de Peor, and that El Rey de los Ranas has sent a car to pick her up. Finalmente, some dos hours after El Coche de Rana first arrived, and as las otras mujeres begin boarding el stripper bus to go home, Alexia announces to las mujeres that she will not be joining them, but, instead is going home to prepare for la Gala de Peor.

This goes over exactly as well as uno might expect: Adriana and Marysol ¡ULTRAJAN! that Alexia would choose Lo Peor over a stripper bus full of “cockys;” Adriana accusing Alexia of really being on Lo Peor’s side despite all the terrible things Lo Peor said about Alexia’s hobo-punching hijo; Ana declaring that Lo Peor is playing Alexia and El Rey de Ranas like a violin; and Adriana dismissing Alexia by calling her decision to not sabotage El Rey de Rana’s relationship with Lo Peor un “Judas beso.” “¡IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT WINNING OR LOSING!” an exasperated Alexia yells at las mujeres. ¿But isn’t it, though, Alexia? ¿Isn’t it?

Y so, Alexia takes el coche that El Rey de Ranas sent for her, leaving las otras mujeres to pout all the way home about how Lo Peor plays the hombres against their esposas, y Lauren “The Reasonable Una” Foster noting that perhaps El Rey de Ranas doesn’t want to alienate a powerful figura in Miami. ¡Cállate with your reasonableness, Lauren Foster!

Back at la Gala de Peor: Lo Peor and her book editor/wookie companion decide seating arrangements for los guests, while talking merda about how self-importante the guests all think they are. IRONY.

Lo Peor y la wookie editor retreat to a hotel suite where Lo Peor yammers about her ¡libro escandaloso!, visits with a bewildered Taylor Hicks, and tries on some obsceno-priced jewelry that she borrow for la Gala. Everyone, including Taylor Hicks, wonders what we are doing here.

Meanwhile, Dr. Chichis comes home late while Lisa is getting ready for la Gala, but makes up for that and the whole infertility thing with a ridiculous diamond necklace porque an ostentatious gesture doesn’t count unless it’s performed for los cameras.

Lisa leaves for la Gala ahead of Dr. Chichis to go visit a preposterously betulled Lo Peor in her suite at the Fountainbleau. There, las mujeres compare ridiculoso gems and hablar smack about las otras who are currently driving around South Florida somewhere in a stripper bus. Lo Peor laments that she is negro y azul from turning the otro cheek so many times, porque Lo Peor = Jesús Cristo.

At la Gala, Los Chichis visit with Romain and Joanna and Joanna’s fake bangs, and suggest that los hombres get together with Frederic and try to make nicetime porque Lisa is determined to be la maker de paz this season. For some reason.

Meanwhile, Alexia, who has arrived at her casa, has decided that her case of las sniffles is ¡demasiado! and she simply won’t be able to attend la Gala de Peor. ¡Way to alienate everyone, Alexia! ¡Bien hecho!

And then la Gala, it happens. Nadie bids on some Emmy tickets porque YAWN. Nadie bids on some expensive jewelry porque TACKY. ¿But then some Valkyrie donates $10,000 in Joanna’s nombre porque she’s Polish? Which isn’t the same thing as bidding on a huge bracelet de oro for $25,000, pero, sure. ¿Nadie has ever given $10,000 to any charity in my nombre, so who am I to mock? At some point Flo Rida performs and everyone chants “¡LO PEOR! ¡LO PEOR! ¡LO PEOR!” and then we all go home in agreement that this was the más aburrido Gala ever.