Writing for Woman's World Magazine and others. Half critique. Half blog. Half not so hot with math.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Appearing in issue #34, August 25, 2014

Title:The late Mr.
Dobbs

By
Author:Shannon Fay

Tag line: Someone
had decided that the wealthy investor’s time was up!

Police characters: Detectives Sonja Nager
and Ryan Burnell.

The gist:Mr. Dobbs, a wealthy man, was found dead by
his nephew, Connor, who had had a 9:30 appointment to see him at his office. The
nephew, who called the police, claimed he arrived and found his uncle lying on
the floor, and the office was a mess. He said someone had hit him on the head
hard (yep, that’s what he said), and while checking his uncle for a pulse the
nephew got blood on his shirt. Detective
Burnell admonished Connor, telling him he should not have touched the body.Connor retorted that he wasn’t exactly
thinking about a defense when he checked to see if his uncle was dead. When asked why he was there to see his uncle,
he claimed he was just visiting to catch up.The police told the nephew that they had spoken to Dobbs’s lawyer and
was told Mr. Dobbs recently learned he had a terminal disease and was planning
on changing his will.This looked bad
for the nephew who might be cut out of the new will.

The
detectives viewed the crime scene more closely. The furniture was overturned
and papers scattered all around.Post-it notes were stuck everywhere with dates and notes on them. Mr.
Dobbs seemed to be forgetful.A battery
operated mantel clock was found on the floor.The battery had come loose, and the time on the face read 9:45. As the detectives were looking around, a woman
rushed into the office.She paled at the
sight of the body on the floor. She said she was Dobbs’s secretary.She claimed she had come in late this morning
because she was sick earlier. She said Dobbs was a kind and sweet man, and he
had planned to leave all his money to charity.She told police that both Dobbs’s nephews were unhappy with that news. (Ah,
the plot thickens.Two nephews.) She also informed them that both nephews were
scheduled to meet with their uncle today, one at 9:00 (Sam) and one at 9:30 (Connor).

An alarm began
to beep, and the secretary explained it was Dobbs’s wristwatch, and that he
always set it to remind him to go the gym.Detective Nager pressed the stop button and noticed that the watch read
11:35 but the actual time was 11:05.The
secretary told her that Dobbs always set his clocks fast because he often ran
late.

Detective
Nager knew who killed Dobbs.

Crime scene:Mr. Dobbs’s office. (Don’t you hate that
double S situation with names?I never
use a character name that ends with an S just because of that.)

Clues:The appointment times and the clock times.

Suspects: The two nephews.

Red herrings: One nephew had blood on his shirt.

Solution:When the mantel clock fell and broke it
read 9:45 but it was really only 9:15, the time when the first nephew, Sam,
would have been in the office.

My two cents:Well…let’s see, where
do I start?

Begin rant.

1) Another rich man who doesn’t have security in
his office building.Not realistic.

2) The
police called and talked to the man’s lawyer.Really?How did that happen?They find a body and they call his
lawyer?Lawyers don’t give out that kind
of info on their clients. Attorney/client privilege. So, not
happening.

3)The
police tell this info to the nephew.Uh-uh.Police don’t give out details like that.That would give someone time to form a convincing
alibi/story for themselves.

4) Mr. Dobbs was quite forgetful and had lots
of Post-its everywhere.What am I
missing here?Who cares?He’s got a secretary to take care of all
that. Waste of words here.

5) This man who had recently been diagnosed
with a terminal illness still goes to the gym.Okay, maybe he loved working out.But me…if I’m going to die…I’m eating cake and ice cream.By the gallon. Oh, and drinking will be going
on.Lots of drinking.

6) The police yelled at Connor for checking on
his uncle.Puuullleeze.And if the man had not been dead, and Connor
never checked on him and then later Dobbs died… who would be to blame, huh? It would take a pretty cold person to look at
a relative all bloody on the floor and just say eww and call the police.Not believable.

7)The place was tossed.Why?The nephews knew their uncle was leaving his money to charity.They knew he had a lawyer.What is this guy looking for? A copy of the will?Is he that dumb to think the lawyer doesn’t
have the master?

8)I’m not a fan of the train left the station at
4:30 and was headed east to Dallas at 45 miles an hour, and another train left
Houston heading north at 4:55, traveling at 40 miles per hour…so what did Mrs.
Smith have for breakfast, eggs or donuts?But beside the fact that you have
to write up a timeline to solve this tragedy (and I don’t mean the man’s death)
what was the murder weapon?I guess we
don’t need to know.It was probably the
mantel clock but it got cut and is at this very moment sitting on Johene’s
floor, still all bloody and stuff.

9)I’m not sure why Connor lied about why he was
there.Both nephews knew about the will
change.This wasn’t just a “catching up”
visit.He had scheduled an appointment.Maybe that was a red herring.

10)Was it just a coinkydink that both nephews
had appointments with their uncle today a half hour apart and Connor didn’t
know about it?

11)One has to wonder why the nephews came to
their uncle’s office to talk to him.Doesn’t he have a home for family visits? And they had to schedule an appointment
to see this ‘kind and sweet man’?

12)What kind of kind and sweet man cuts his
relatives out of his will for no apparent reason?Maybe his terminal illness was a brain tumor
that made him loopy.

Lucky 13) So what’s the motive here?There
was a murder here all right, but it wasn’t the one in the story.This author ignored all the problems, paid no
attention to common sense, and just dumped all these loose parts together and
let them hang.And it sold.Go figure.

End rant.

Too many
dumb things going on in this story.I
think this is my first “1 star”.

12 comments:

Mary Jo
said...

Whew, Jody, you must have had some kind of week. Aside from jumping all over the writer who got paid after all, what about looking at the editing. Wouldn't you expect editors who specialize in the mystery story to know how to analyze the details before they sign on the dotted line? It isn't as if they didn't have more than one or two stories to choose from. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors? The Shadow knows.

@ Mary Jo. I know, right? We're trying to figure out what WW wants and they're all over the map. I'm thinking with their 2 million readers they're trying to throw every kind of story out there so everyone gets their favorite sooner or later. They sure don't want crisp, interesting writing that pulls all the pieces together. At least not this week.

RE: getting paid. When actors make a movie and it gets terrible reviews and Rotten Tomatoes slams it...the actors, the writers, the directors, etc...they all still got paid. Doesn't mean the work was good.

Just thought of something else. I (me, myself) don't like the writing on this story. A critique is very subjective. Many times those two movies critiques would disagree and one would give it a thumbs up and the other a thumbs down. So this blog is only MY opinion. Someone else might just LOVE this story. Like...um...her mother. :)

Well, I hate to sound (read) like a broken record, but Jody, you should be writing sitcoms. Your hilarious comments made my day. Aside from that, it occurred to me that WW should hire you, with your knowledge, as a consultant for their mysteries.

I didn't read this story, but Jody, your summary/critique was so funny! Although I didn't read this one, your remarks make me wonder why MY little story made it all the way to Seattle but didn't make the cut. I don't understand how some of these mysteries wind up in the magazine and others that seem to be well-written with good structure are turned down. Ah, sweet mystery of life...LOL

Now Tamara has the right idea. WW would be worlds ahead if they ran their mystery choices by you before making the final cut. How often is a story spoiled because neither the author nor the editor know the protocol?

@ Mary Jo. They just have to read my blog for a few weeks. Without joking though, I have to assume (and we all know how that goes) that WW has qualified, talented and experienced editors that know what they're doing when it comes to pleasing their readers. Or most of their readers. Some of their readers. A few anyway. The fact that they offer diversified types of stories, different styles of writing, and they are all over the map with no consistency in the product, tells me that any one of our stories could make it. It's all in the timing and the whim of the editors. Every one of your stories that I've seen is better than this week's selection. Why it was chosen is the real mystery.

@ Joyce. Such is the crazy life of a magazine fiction writer. It's not all unicorn hats and rainbow poop, that's for sure. And when the time comes that our story is chosen, we will say it was because of the fabulous writing...when deep down we know that it's just luck. Maybe we should chip in and send Ms. Johnene some chocolates. :)

I get the distinct impression (from the stories of mine that WW has published) that there is more than one editorial hand at work. Some of the edits are so wonderful I slap my forehead that I didn't think of it in the first place. And some are so ham fisted they all but ruin the story. (I once had a story where info in the body of the story was contradicted by info in the solution. Yes, Jody ripped me mercilessly, and no, I didn't submit it like that.) We know the EIC has finally say on submissions; perhaps someone at head office is monkeying with the stories after Johnene passes them on.

@ Anonymous. Although you didn't leave your name you seem to be indicating that you are Shannon. We all know that our stories are changed, and almost never for the better in our eyes. I too have seen stories where there are contradictions and clues left out. What is WW thinking? I ripped apart this story as it appeared after they fiddled with it. I know a bad review hurts. Been there. And it's frustrating when it's out of your control. This story had so many problems I couldn't give it a pass. Myself, and the readers of this blog (who are worldwide by the way) are trying to analyze the weekly offerings and figure out just what the heck WW wants from us. After doing this for close to two years...I still don't know. And we can't figure out why WW doesn't just leave a good story alone. On my stories I've had them change the color of a dress, a silver frame to a teapot, and add a brother -- all silly things. There must be a reason. But we can't figure it out. You're way ahead of most of the readers of this blog. You got a contract. With success comes critiques and reviews. I spoke to Nora Roberts at a conference one time. She told me she gets slammed all the time and you have to build up a hard shell. You can't please everyone all the time. So to heck with them ... in this case me. You've got what it takes to get published. Hold your head up.

Mom on my porch, doing the same jigsaw puzzle she does every day.

Kayla, my granddaughter. :)

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Want help with your story?

My day job puts me in contact with real cops, detectives, FBI agents and DEA guys. I have worked thousands of cases from the homeless guy on the Metrorail who got arrested for jumping the turnstile -- that’s right, arrested for not having a quarter -- to the Tamiami Strangler, a serial killer who strangled hookers along the famous trail in Miami. I produce court transcripts for a living.

Who better to look at your mystery stories to see if the police procedures are true, the clues are solid and the whole thing works? I will not hesitate to point out the good, the bad and the ugly in your story. Both of my WW mysteries made it to Johnene. From there? Cross your fingers.

The line-by-line edit, which also includes grammar, spelling and proofing, will offer suggestions on how to improve problem spots. The cost is $29 payable by PayPal. 72-hour turn around time.

I’ll also take a second look once you’ve revamped your story, but this time I’ll only look for glaring errors assuming all the details you chose to put in you want to stay in.

Send your story as a Word e-mail attachment to ladyrprter at aol dot com, and the fee to PayPal using ladyrprter at aol dot com for the payee

Your tag line is the hook that gets someone interested in reading your work. It's one of the most important lines of your story. Take time to make it sparkle.

Criminals don't always think the crime through--especially if the crime is one of passion or revenge--but don't have them make stupid or stilly mistakes just to get your story written. Make the mistakes something that you just normally don't think about. Like the pruning skin in this story.

You don't always have to have crime scene details to make a mystery story work. Cozy mysteries sell well if you make the characters interesting.

Once again WW chose a story with a female cop and little old ladies. Just remember to use the proper words for the crimes and before you say things like, he jimmied the lock, understand just what that is.

You've only got 700 words. Make them count. Don't waste words on things that don't matter. And NEVER give a clue and then later in the solution change it to the opposite. That's not fair. Just how is the reader supposed to figure it out then?

There are many ways to lay out the solve-it-yourself story. You don't always have to have the reader guess who the perp is. This week's story was presented with a fresh angle. We knew who did it. The question was did she cover her tracks well enough to fool the police?

As writers we often ask the reader to suspend disbelief a bit, but don't overdo it. Keep it as real as you can or you'll lose the reader.

If you have four suspects, have four good motives. Otherwise what's the point in having four suspects? It is almost a sin to have four suspects and not have even one decent red herring in the bunch. That's just a waste of words.

When the reader expects one situation, and gets another, that's really a form of a red herring. I expected a tired old theory and was given the surprise of a fresh twist. As the reader I was tricked...and that's a good thing.

When you reuse characters be sure to make them interesting and likable. Being cranky is not the same as being interesting. Be careful to not let one of them become mean. It's hard to like someone who calls people names and teases them about their not so glorious past.

Don't introduce a main character too late in the story. The reader feels cheated.

You don't always have to have police involved for a mystery to work. Be realistic if you are going to use animals in your story. Lassie wasn't real.

Write in more than one good motive. Two or three people could have done it, but only one has the means and opportunity to go with that motive.

I realize you only have 700 words to get in your story, but use every one of those words wisely. Don't repeat to fill the space. If your story is really done in 350 words, your story is too simple.

Try not to use the same old tired solutions. We're writers. Come up with something new and interesting. Treat the readers to a challenge. If I see one more muddy footprint on a white carpet...I'm going to hurt somebody.

Readers like to follow the same characters. Once you sell a mystery to WW, try building up a following by using the same police characters in future stories. Do us all a favor though... make them likable.

I know I'm repeating myself (talk about deja vu) but please try your very best to come up with a fresh twist or interesting solution that hasn't been done before. We want WW readers to LOVE this mystery page...not become bored with it.

Don't use too many names in your story. It just confuses the reader. The story this week handled this extremely well. You knew who you were reading about from the character's description. It all flowed well and never pulled the reader out of the story.

A short story is really just a very short novel. The same rules apply. Give us characters we will love and care about. Don't have them doing silly things.

Once again we have someone not acting right. Check your facts. Check your facts. Check your facts. Did I mention you should ALWAYS check your facts? Getting the details right should just be a given.

Make sure the solution makes sense. Common sense. Put yourself in their shoes. What would you do? Think? How would you act? Don't throw in a rotten fish just for smell.

Know the proper use of words. Men don't leer at each other -- generally. lol. Don't make up a silly details to fit your story line. Make sure everything works and people act in character.

UPDATE: Woman's World has changed their rights clause.

Q: It used to be WW had FNSR, first rights with a 6-month clause. Has that changed?

A: Yes. It used to be first serial rights which meant the magazine had the right to be the first place to publish the article/story/ poem in North America (USA and Canada) and after the piece ran, you were free to resell it to another medium or to package a collection of your work into a book.

However in 2014 Bauer Publishing has changed to this:

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About Me

Following sixteen years as a travel agent (more travel than money) Jody Lebel switched gears, returned to school and became a court reporter (more money than travel). She swapped jetting off to fun and exotic locations for reporting the cases of murderers, rapists, and thieves who are, by the way, almost never in a good mood. Being assigned to the chief judge in Broward County exposed her to a wide spectrum of cases; from funny to tragic to bizarre to downright creepy. She has reported everything from a homeless guy who had jumped the turnstile on the Metrorail and was now in jail for not having a quarter, to the Tamiami Strangler, a serial killer who murdered six women. ******
Contact me at ladyrprter at aol dot com

Woman's World Info ...

In 1981, Heinrich Bauer Verlag of Hamburg, West Germany, one of Europe's largest magazine publishers, entered America's highly competitive women's service magazine field when it launched the weekly Woman's World. The magazine quickly set itself apart from the rest of the pack. Other women's magazines of the day were mostly thick slick tomes bursting with ads, and featuring articles geared to upwardly mobile readers. Woman's World, on the other hand, offered a high-quality tabloid-style format light on ads that was aimed at middle-class moms who wanted practical advice on food, fashion, parenting, and beauty and health tips. The public soon took notice. Woman's World quickly became the most popular weekly women's magazine in the country.

Today, Bauer Publishing USA, headquartered in Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey, is the number one seller of magazines on newsstands in the United States, generating an annual $320 million dollars in single copy revenue. It publishes two of the top five selling titles on the newsstand-Woman's World and In Touch Weekly. For several years running, Woman's World, a fixture at supermarket checkout stands everywhere, was the most popular newsstand magazine of any kind. As it celebrates its 25th anniversary in 2006, Woman's World remains the #1 selling women's publication on newsstands, selling more than 77 million copies in 2004. First for Women, another Bauer publication was second in sales with 25 million. Far back in the pack in third place was Woman's Day, with sales of 16 million newsstand copies.

Woman's World celebrated its 25th year on the newstands in 2006. This weekly publication is the number one newsstand seller with a yearly circulation of well over 84 million. Don't underestimate this little magazine. Woman's World is very popular with middle class women for many reasons. The price is nice, at $1.79 and it has very few ads and none of those annoying subscription cards inside. Every single page is jam packed with information and the romantic fiction and a solve-it-yourself mystery are a nice bonus. The features makes you feel good too.

Woman's World Fiction Guidelines

WOMAN'S WORLD FICTION GUIDELINES Mini mystery guidelines: We purchase short "solve-it-yourself" mysteries of 700 words--a count that includes the narrative and the solution. Stories should be cleverly plotted, entertaining cliffhangers that end with a challenge to the reader to figure out “whodunit” or “howdunit.” The solution to the mystery is provided in a separate box.Robbery, burglary, fraud and murder are acceptable subjects, but spare the readers any gory details or excessive violence, please! We are also not interested in ghost stories, science fiction or fantasy.We pay $500 per mystery and retain all rights after publication.IMPORTANT NOTES:Manuscripts should be double-spaced in legible size type.Where to send manuscripts:

If you have not previously been published by Woman's World magazine: Fiction@WomansWorldMag.com to Patricia Gaddis' attention If you have had a romance or mini-mystery published by Woman's World:FictionPro@WomansWorldMag.com to Patricia Gaddis' attention

Get to know us: Please familiarize yourself thoroughly with our romances and mini mysteries before submitting your work.Be patient: Because we receive a tremendous volume of manuscripts, our turnaround time may range from one to three months. If you still have not heard from us after four months, feel free to submit your manuscript t another publisher. Please do not call or write us to inquire about a manuscript's status.

My track record --

I took Kate Willoughby's workshop on how to write for Woman's World magazine. I highly recommend it. Go to her blogspot site at womansworldstyle.blogspot.com for more info.

Then I sat down and wrote my first romance story for WW. That was in July 2012. It sold in November 2012 and appeared in the December 31st issue.