This Week in the News: Lots of Tongue Pressed in Cheek

January is only a week in, and there are already numerous stories which qualify as “news-ish.” Naturally, I am on the cutting edge of journalistic technology with my cracked screen smartphone, a laptop with Windows 10 (now with half the usual computing power of the leading national brand), and a head full of smartass remarks. Please note for the record – no cats, dogs or parrots were harmed in the writing of this blog, though several hundred politicians are still applying burn cream.

President Barack Obama uses his executive pen to create hundreds of new regulations for gun owners and manufacturers. Chaos ensues, however, when it’s discovered he had the order drafted to include General Leia Organa as a member of the Department of Justice. In a later legislative shocker, he vetoes a bill to repeal the Affordable Care and Patient Protection Act, (a.k.a. “ObamaCare”). Unconfirmed reports from the Jedi claim the feeling of billions of people yawning.

North Korea’s Kim Jong “Uno!” Un shocks the world when he announced the isolated nation had successfully detonated a hydrogen bomb. Officials at the Pentagon waved off the explosion as part of the recent round of NFL head coach firings.

Donald Trump, working under the assumed name of Big Daddy Blonde Britches, begins to attack Hillary Clinton’s record on foreign relations, as well as her role in the loss of critical government documents related to Benghazi. In response, Clinton has a giant orange hairball from Bill the Cat express shipped to Trump’s front door.

Weather officials across America and parts of Jupiter are stumped by the sudden blast of cold air freezing over most of the lower 48. When reached for comment, several dozen penguins said “We’re in Antarctica, you idiot!”

A Missouri lawmaker introduced a bill which would require lobbyists to report “sexual relations” with lawmakers as a “gift.” When asked if this would pass, several members of the Missouri General Assembly immediately referred reporters to their mistresses for comment.

The College Football National Championship was set when the Alabama Crimson Tide arrived to play their game against whoever it was they meant to play, but suddenly realized nobody showed up because they were all too busy watching “Game of Thrones.” Clemson advanced on the merit that no team from South Carolina has won jack shit since the Revolutionary War, so everyone basically gave them a mulligan.

Macy’s announced it was closing 45 stories across America in response to disappointing sales. It still is unclear if Kylo Ren and the First Order have anything to do with this.

Shares of Martin Shrkeli plummeted in heavy trading this week after it was revealed that his street cred is entirely based on a doctored video of him doing the “Whip and Nae Nae” during his arrest. Shrkeli later confessed that the video itself was trademarked by Taylor Swift and is at the center of a copyright lawsuit.

Supreme Leader Snoke appeared at a news conference Monday in which he announced his intent to destroy any and all references to “Taylor Swift,” “Adele,” “Blank Space” and “Hello” if he wasn’t given twenty star systems by 5 pm local time. The world let the threat lapse.

Apple unveiled its newest device, the Iphone 6I, which is not only ten times as powerful, but completely invisible. In fact, Mark Zuckerberg has promised to give away all his shares of Apple stock to the person who can find the prototype, which is apparently missing but “not missing.”

Cosmopolitan magazine revealed an astonishing new sex move for women to attempt which is so effective and controversial, the magazine has declared it a “secret plan” and will only reveal it if it is elected President. Donald Trump immediately began a hostile takeover bid of the magazine.