McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON

Lobster Boy’s Fifth-Grade Report Card

Math (Ms. Helmann)Grade: A-
A pleasure to have in class. Particularly excels at long division. Great work, Lobster Boy!

Spelling (Mr. Roberts)Grade: Incomplete
So far Lobster Boy has only been able to spell one word: “Gleeerkggh,” or something to that effect, which appears to be a call he uses to alert other lobsters of approaching predators. A bit of a daydreaming problem.

Art (Mrs. O’Neill)Grade: C+
Lobster Boy’s large unwieldy claws tend to prohibit full participation (during 3-D sketching, for example). Can be very sweet, but often frightens his classmates when he jettisons waste matter (cry for attention?). He is using his active listening skills, and we continue to work with him.

Social Studies (Mr. Russeau)Grade: B/B+ (Missing homework assignment brings it down slightly!!)
Has really gotten into our studies of ancient Greece and Rome. Turned in a very good Egyptian-gods-and-goddesses card game! Sometimes has difficulty following directions, perhaps due to being a lobster. All in all, good work; Lobster Boy has the skills he needs to turn his dream of becoming an archaeologist into a reality.

English (Mr. Roberts)Grade: C-
Does not work well with others. Lobster Boy has pinched all of his classmates at least six times. I caught him eating a paperback copy of Roald Dahl’s The Twits (as you no doubt recall from the parent-teacher conference). Needs significant work.

P.E. (Coach Morris)Grade: Check Plus Plus
One of our finest athletes. By far the school’s best swimmer. Also surprisingly adept at badminton. That Lobster Boy is one fancy cruuuust-a-ce-an!