Kymma's Combobulation

To put together in a somewhat mysterious manner.
To bring something out of a state of confusion or disarray.
To manufacture by some unusual or novel means.
Urban Dictionary:
combination of a whole lot of messed up shit.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Yes, I recognize that I have 4 more days of no dairy to be whole30 compliant for 30 days. But I made it 30 days eating no grains, no sugars, no legumes, no alcohol and 26 days with no dairy. The shortcomings were sugars of some sort in foods I ate, such as the very little bacon I had that had cane sugar (didn't even think to look for sugar there!), the few drops of sirracha I had one night that had a bit of sugar and the beef broth with the honey in it. But really people, that is trace amounts compared to the diet sodas I had multiples of a day, the candy, the peanut M&Ms, the Reese's pieces and peanut butter cups, the ice creams, not to mention the chips, crackers, and processed crap that was ruling my life! I ate more fruit than recommended and on occasion more nuts. The next time I embark on the Whole30 I will be even more compliant, but the leap from S.tandard A.merican D.iet that I was living and suffering with to this was a Grand Canyon.

So how do I feel? Did the Whole30 indeed change my life?

I feel great! I've had more energy and motivation in the last 4 weeks than I ever have before!

I dropped 11 pounds in 30 days without counting a calorie or point or worrying about eating fat. I even have saved bacon grease to use on veggies now! I cook with coconut oil and use coconut milk which are loaded in fats. I eat the skin off of chicken (a low fat NONO!), I love steak, spinach salad with oil and vinegar, and have discovered a sweet treat that is amazing in the fact that it is no processed sugar, the blueberry and coconut milk frozen treat! I had Osso Bucco for dinner and guess what, sweet potatoes taste wonderful sans butter! I have enjoyed cooking meals more than I ever have and have made a few things that really rock! But these are all lessons and changes based around food and every day living and that is just the surface of the change.

I have used food to cope with the discomforts of life for a long time. Food, sugars especially, were my way of comforting and punishing myself. I was happy with a big bowl of ice cream or mac and cheese, but miserable with the effects on my body and therefore my life. They comforted me, then made me uncomfortable, a vicious cycle. I couldn't take stairs with ease or walk too fast. I felt older than my years, sad and disconnected. I was becoming a living dead person, unable to do the things I wanted to do, I couldn't dance but for a few minutes at a club. I couldn't connect to my emotions to understand and be the person I want to be. I was stressed, depressed, and fighting the feeling that I was becoming a typical American, fat and sick. My gluttony was a reaction to the world and was also separating me from the world.

Taking off the last layer of coping allowed me to reconnect to myself, the world and my emotions. I am calm. I have goals that I know I can meet with effort and enjoyment. I danced for 3 hours straight and realized this is what life and the world are about, enjoying the vehicle that carries you through this life.

I have uncovered that I was allowing myself to become bored in exchange for security, that I was willing to live other people's dreams for me in exchange for comfort.

I learned that I could be emotionally mature. That I could sit with bad feelings and observe them, turn them over, look at them, without exploding or dumping them on someone before I understood their complexity, their roots.

I learned that the discomfort I felt with the world wasn't so intense that it could not be coped with without food.

I learned that I could let go of that pain of the injustices of life and live a great life without fear.

I learned that I can hope and if I am disappointed, I can live with that too.

I dream of living a life full of imagination and creativity. I am not going to wait for that day, I'm going to seek it. I've already started and it created anxiety, but it passed soon into pleasure at taking a risk that I could not calculate without taking.

I dream of being a runner, not necessarily a marathoner, just someone that can get up and run a few miles for the enjoyment of the breeze, the burn in my legs, the gorgeous trees, the joy of moving. I am on week 3 of 9 of training to run my first 5k.

I dream and I do. I don't wish anymore. I do. I am awake. I am connected. I am changed.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Ok, so I just had one of the best treats of my life. And I am totally shocked! Frozen berries with coconut milk and put in the freezer like paleo ice cream!. I think I savored it for over 20 minutes. I was never able to do that with real ice cream. My food is not just disappearing anymore. I am slowing my eating and beginning to really enjoy it. This is HUGE people. I have put on 80 lbs by shoveling my food in. To be honest, after two weeks of this, I do think my life is changing. I don't miss grains. I don't miss sugar as badly as I thought I would. I do miss wine and I do want to have some dairy again. But if I can enjoy fruit with coconut milk like it is sweet nectar of the gods, well, my life is changing. If I can even fathom not eating grains or sugar on a regular basis, my life is changing. If my days are not filled with what the next thing I want to eat is, my life is changing. 30 days to change your life. I want a major life change so bad I can taste the fatty steak I am free to enjoy by eating primal/paleo!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I have made it 2 weeks on the Whole 30. I am feeling rather good. I have low days where I have to actually DEAL with my emotions instead of cover them with sugar and cookies and crackers.

I have been covering and coping with my discomfort with the world and never understood the real difference until I stopped, cold turkey. Week 2 after quitting smoking I began to realize I had been holding my breath and that it was making me tense, the very tension that I smoked to relieve. Once I started breathing deeply to cope with the addiction and cravings, I was no longer tense. I am realizing a similar thing now that I am not eating sugar and grains. I have been eating until I was uncomfortable when I AM uncomfortable with the world. It is both comfort and punishment. I comfort myself with foods that turn on the good chemicals in my brain, while making my discomfort a reality, something I can feel as my stomach hurts and I feel sick from eating too much.

This is jut one realization on the journey. This is the beginnings of emotional maturity. I haven't always voiced how I feel, but i was terrorizing my own self, my spirit was being damaged by some of the choices I was making, not to mention my body. The thing that got me to do the whole 30 was the promise it would change my life. I am so thankful that it was a true promise. I hope to continue on this path and see all the changes I can from rebelling against my old way of surviving and begin to truly live.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I have made it an entire week eating no grains, no legumes, no dairy (a little butter cooked in eggs is trace compared to my old eating habits, and NO sugar. I've had fruits and some balsamic vinegar and some of the delicious caramelized burnt stuff that leaks out of sweet potatoes. But I haven't had a candy bar, a Reese's pieces, ice cream, splenda or creamer in my coffee or a Diet Dr. Pepper in a full week!

How do I feel? Mostly good. I feel like the monkey is off my back, it's still dancing around me, but it isn't plying my lips back and inserting sweet treats, chips, cheese and all kinds of CRAP into my mouth. I can look at someone eating things I am currently not eating and not feel like I am missing something.

I am still waiting on the arrival of carb flu. I am wondering if I am in ketosis. I can't help but want to step on the scale, although I will not, I will not make one concession for this 30 days. It is more to make sure I am not gaining, because eating more fat goes against everything I know and hold dear. But the old acting class mantra comes to mind "Just trust the process."

My emotions are better than they were. I have to say that this was cycle week sans chocolate. I mean no sugar, no indulgence, no glass of wine. All who survived are very lucky.

I could very easily dive right back to my old ways of eating. But I don't want to do that. I am learning a lot about the paleo lifestyle and the science behind it. It is still confusing, but for now I don't have to adopt a new lifestyle. I am dealing with the first 30 (34) days. After that, I can make decisions about what to do moving forward.

I am still not exercising. I have a plan to train for a specific 5k. I have not committed. I will be doing some meditation on that over the next few days. I know I need to move, but yet I am resistant. Hopefully, when the sunshine returns, I will change my mind. Because I do dream of running. Yet still I sit. I'll have to work on changing my thoughts into actions.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Well, I have decided to go 34 because I had some butter on Day 4. I am at peace with the decision, it is just rolling with the punches.

I am sleeping like a log. I haven't really had any horrible times with food, I just breathe through any major cravings or have something paleo.

I am starting to experience emotions very high at the moment. Some situations are arising that are bringing things up for me. I guess this is what I wanted. It would have been nice if the universe had let things be calm for just a bit while I got the hang of this eating.

Yesterday, I ate my way through the day. I can't even catalog it, but it was all whole 30 approved, even if the portions weren't. I didn't have a food hangover today, so I appreciate that factor. I also feel less bloated and sleep like a rock.

Today, I had 4 egg muffins. I am not hungry at all now, so I don't want to force myself to eat, since this is a rare occasion (not being hungry).

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Well, Day 3 was better. A bit of a headache that comes and goes. Got off early from the job and took a 2 hour nap. Food for the day: B: Egg frittata muffins, strawberries, S: lara bar, L: leftover sundried chicken over salad with balsamic vinaigrette, D: filet, brussel sprouts, carrots and stuffed mushrooms, S: Almond butter with an apple.

Today I made a misstep. We went to a local breakfast place that is too slammed to ask alot of questions. I got grilled pork tenderloin and scrambled eggs (not eating the biscuits with gravy!) but the eggs were cooked with butter. Lesson learned, always ask or don't eat it, the south is a butter region, and I can extend the 30 days to 34 to gain the full benefit.

I am having a gal pal over tonight and will be having thai beef with roasted asparagus and carrots. I'll make her some jasmine rice, and for dessert we'll have strawberries and coconut milk. I feel proud of this meal and not like I'm having to give anything up while entertaining.

Some things I'm noticing: I am tired, bordering on lethargic. I am less hungry and less obsessed in my mind with food, what I'm going to eat next, etc. I know more things challenges are ahead but hope I can meet them head on.

Friday, March 25, 2011

So far, so good. I am enjoying the way I am eating and not missing anything yet.

Yesterday about 5pm I did start to experience some side effects from being sugarless I suppose. Headache, nausea, and dizziness. So I ate a tablespoon of almond butter, a lara bar and went to sleep. I woke up much better and cooked up some dinner.