It Is What It Is: A mom’s dating advice for her daughters

Lisa Sugarman More Content Now

Tuesday

Aug 6, 2019 at 9:49 AMAug 6, 2019 at 9:49 AM

Dating and daughters … it’s a delicate subject, especially between moms and our girls. Just the thought of our daughters being in the game can make us feel like throwing up in our mouth. And just the mention of it to our girls can make them feel like slamming doors in our face because they’re sure they know it all. So it’s a tricky one, this whole relationship thing. Because, as women who have already played the game when we were young, we want to save our daughters from the heartbreak and risks of dating and they want us to butt out. And therein lies the challenge.

As moms (and of course, dads too) we need to give our girls the knowledge to navigate relationships in a way that respects their boundaries, but also ensures that they have all the tools they need to avoid getting hurt. And that’s not exactly easy, but it is doable. Because all it takes is prioritizing the super-important stuff and reinforcing it over and over and over again (with our fingers crossed behind our backs that they’re listening).

See, imparting wisdom is just what we do as moms, because there’s so much we need our daughters to know and remember and do. And even though we wish they’d just let us ride shotgun on every date and be part of every relationship decision, that’s straight up never gonna happen. So, we do the next best thing, which is to talk all the talk and give our girls as much of our knowledge as we can before they ever even leave the house. We distill all the important dos and don’ts and basically pass down our own personal field guide for how to survive in the dating world.

And while the list of advice we want to give our daughters could go on forever, there are some highlights that show up pretty regularly on every mom’s list, including mine:

1. First and foremost, be yourself. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Be authentic to who you are so there’s zero confusion about who you are as a person.2. Set boundaries so you don’t do something you’re not ready to do.3. Stay away from drama. No one wants to be caught in the middle of a stressful, dramatic situation, so keep things open and honest.4. Never give up your independence. Make sure you’re as good being on your own as you are being together.5. Don’t compromise who you are or what you want, no matter what.6. You’re going to get your heart broken, but the pain won’t last forever. And while it may take a while for the hurt to fade, time really does heal most wounds of the heart.7. Make sure the person you’re with is bringing out the best in you.8. Breakups suck, but they’ll show you what kind of a person you want to be with and the kind you want to avoid.9. Don’t have sex until you’re ready. You get to decide the pace that works for you, so don’t ever let anyone pressure you into doing something you’re not ok with.10. Never compare anyone to your ex, it’s just bad form. Plus, no two people are the same, so comparing is a waste of time.11. Show gratitude when your partner does something special for you. There are few things that mean more than letting someone know you’re grateful for an act of kindness.12. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. Relationships work in two directions, so if you’re not getting back some version of what you’re putting in, then it’s time to move on.13. Never assume you know what your partner is thinking. Ask for yourself so there’s no confusion.14. Avoid talking smack about your partner because it’ll always make its way back to you as the original source and that’s a guaranteed relationship-ender.15. Don’t play head games. Say what you mean and mean what you say so that everyone’s always on the same page.16. Remember to talk to each other. Because relationships are always a work in progress, so you need to keep the lines of communication open.17. Never kiss and tell. Keep what you and your partner do to yourself, because it’ll always come back to bite you if you start blabbing.18. If you’re breaking up with someone, be kind. There’s no easy way to tell someone they’re not “The One,” so just do it thoughtfully.19. Moms are always there in the wings to help when you need us.

Now obviously this isn’t a complete list and I could go on for days, but these tips proved to be the most important bits of dating advice I shared with my own grown daughters over the years.

So, use this as a jumping-off point and as a place to just start the conversation. Add your own advice and the opinions of the people you trust and then just keep talking. And then talk some more. Because the sooner you start the dialogue, the better equipped your girls will be to handle themselves when they’re out on their own. And even though we need to back out of the picture eventually and let them make their own decisions, we can still ensure that all our advice is safely tucked inside their metaphorical wristlet every time they head out the door. Good luck, friends. Onward.Lisa Sugarman lives just north of Boston, Massachusetts. She writes the nationally syndicated opinion column It Is What It Is and is the author of “How to Raise Perfectly Imperfect Kids and Be Ok with It - Real Tips & Strategies for Parents of Today’s Gen Z Kids,” “Untying Parent Anxiety: 18 Myths That Have You in Knots - And How to Get Free,” and “LIFE: It Is What It Is,” available on Amazon, at Barnes & Noble and at select bookstores everywhere. Read and discuss all her columns and books at lisasugarman.com, or find them on GrownAndFlown.com, Hot Moms Club, LittleThings.com, MommingHubb.com, 50 Shades of Aging, More Content Now, Wickedlocal.com, This Mama Wines and Care.com.