life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say "Don't talk like that!"

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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Sunday, November 20, 2011

When I turn on the TV there is at least one cooking show on every minute of every day on some channel and it is portrayed as a fun and fulfilling experience that can satisfy your need to be creative and keep the family well fed and healthy.

My response to this latest entertainment trend is BULL $#!+! Where is the cooking program for the “I Hate to Cook” people? Where is the station that promotes the 3 ingredients or less recipes?

This year I am not celebrating Thanksgiving in the traditional way! I will indeed be giving thanks, but not by using every pot & pan in my tiny kitchen, cooking bad food all day, washing, soaking and scraping all night, then stuffing a refrigerator full of leftovers that will probably spoil before they are eaten and eventually be thrown out. And of course the worst part, the incredible guilt I feel because by the end of Thanksgiving Day I have truly hated the entire experience, and am anything but thankful.

This year I will be celebrating Thanksgiving with what ever family (or friends) are interested in spending time together, eating convenience foods and being grateful for all the blessings of this life.

There may be creative conversation, or funny stories, or painting, or parade and football watching.
But....there will be no cooking!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Taking my power back has been the most significant healing thing I have ever done for myself. Taking power back may be a new and difficult concept for some, but once you have it, it is a great thing that you will never let go of!

In the past I felt like I did make up my own mind, but I have learned that realistically I was so afraid of making the wrong choices that I culled opinions, listened to doctors/nurses and pled my case for public consensus before making a decision. I critically weighed all input, (seldom listening to my own heart) before making any major decision. In most cases I went with popular opinion or what the “biggest” expert recommended, and then grieved and doubted my decision. Each little choice kept me questioning myself and my own judgment wondering it I have done the right thing, and what will happen if I didn’t.

Not once did it occur to me that my real power comes only from listening to my own heart and my body.

I trust myself, I am perfectly willing to make mistakes and learn from the consequences associated with my decisions.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Well, that’s what the self help gurus say. What they fail to mention is how to go within and get it! They offer up gratuitous examples of how we lost our self worth, but no lessons or models of how to get it back. I chronically hear their eloquent declarations that it “comes from within” with the typical recommendation to regurgitate painful past experiences along with affirmations then reach up in there and whip out some self worth on command. They make it sound like it is as easy as finding a set of misplaced car keys with an electronic buzzer. Clap your hands, listen for the buzz, and follow the sound to the misplaced keys.
Self worth is not that easy.

In my case, mix some long term self worth issues, a terminal disease with the current bureaucratic red tape of the medical/Medicaid system and it creates the perfect no self worth storm. On the other hand, the only thing that I am absolutely certain of is that compared to what some other’s deal with on a day to day basis, my self worth issues are no more than a spit in the wind.

Self worth is just not important anymore.
I have opted for gratitude.
I am grateful for all that I have, all that I have had and all the wonderful opportunities to come. Gratitude does not require an excruciating walk through past painful experiences or chronic repetition of affirmations. I really do not want to waste anymore of my amazing life in a desperate pursuit of the egotistical concept of self worth when my heart is full of gratitude now?

The beach & flying my kite!

i want to see legal gay marriage everywhere

ROAD TRIP!!!Dave Matthews Band Tampa 2014

Take art classes-practice my craft develop more creative skills

My very first self-portrait...does not look much like me, but it has all of the right words.

Have a Sill String Fight!

Get a tattoo

tattooed my foot so I never never forget how strong I have to be! My friend thinks I should have "scared shitless" tattooed on the other foot!

i want to write a book

it is not a big book, but it is a published book! http://www.blurb.com/b/4868136-life-love-art-heart-failure-assorted-ramblings

I FINALLY graduated from college with BA in Arts Administration!

YAY......ME!!! December 2013

Swim in a Fountain! City of Casselberry...

thank god, the camera battery died!

Paint EVERYWHERE!

Painted a baby grand piano with great art friends

The Mondrian Piano! with embedded QR codes!

Dave Matthews Band concert with the boys!

and Grey Street was the encore...Woo-Hoo!

Bucket List #7 DMB with both of my boys!

Bucket List #36-C....... AND WE HAVE TICKETS 7-17-2013 we are going!

Do nude nite

And I have....2013-2014 & 2015

And I have....I have. It just gets better and more fun every year!

Nude Nite 2016

Nude Nite 2015 with the "Girls" Both pieces sold...woo-hoo!

So...I am not allowed to post these videos on Youtube...so you can access them directly on my One Drive...it will take you off of this site to watch....sorry

Nude Nite 2015

Pirates and Picasso

woo-hoo...it was awesome. click image for video

have a dirty little secret! ooo-la-la!

......and that is all I am going to say about it!

Bucket List...STILL WORKING ON IT

i want to go skinny dipping at night

i want to learn how to blow glass

Doodle on my shoes....

The Cinderella Scenario

i want to let balloon secrets fly

i want to drive a convertable on a winding mountain road

i want to NOT care what others think

i wanto to kiss with pop-rocks!

Dance on the table

I want to ride in the front of the airplaine or a limosine just once!

i want to change someone's life

they say I do....but I need to change more!

Paint Balloon darting

i want to go to an old fashion drive-in movie!

i want to see and catch fire flies!

i want to die with NO regrets

Just one amazing....

See this moon rise

and my "Core Desire Feelings"

for every situation...there is a suitable line from a song!

Headphones on

Heart of a Hero! Got myself a new "happy I am dancing my butt off song"! Woo-hoo!

After 23 years...My last Artist's Way Group

Summer 2017

Celebrate!

2016 Summer Artist Way Group Opening Reception

2016...Woo-Hoo!

Beast Feast 2016

Me, Terry, Mary & Ernie....High school buds!

Flagler Beach 2016

Yep....That's ME, too!

Purple polka dots! Woo-hoo

Dale Fox photography

Checking it out!

First Look after Open Heart Surgery 8/2015

A Different Voice..This is not about end of life, it is about LIFE!

My Guys!

at Darren's shipboard Wedding

HOLY CRAP...I am one of the top 20 art mentors in the country! Professional Artist Magazine

Such an incredible honor! Thank you!

A Woman's Heart!

A Finger, Two Dots, Then Me

I finally did it...and with honors, too!

Did not go to my college graduation, BA in Arts Administration, UMASS earlier this year, but my honor society chords arrived in the mail today....what a great surprise! They are not quite as impressive without the cap and gown, but very nice to have them anyway! Thank you UMASS!

Sometimes.....I can pretend to be a responsible adult....but it rarely lasts very long!

Fine Artist Creativity Facilitator

Opening Exhibition Toast

Yes that is champagne straight out of the bottle....ooops! caught me!

Thank you 2015...

Thank you 2014!

My Dark Angel

My sculpture with an ancient Sufi Poet

If I were queen, I would....

wear my "kicking this shit happy heart crown" I made...all of the time!

Flagler Beach Summer 2014

2015 AW Install

2014 Artist's Way Celebration of Creativity

Hokey Pokey Newbie Initiation

Artists Way 2013 "HOKEY POKEY" & "DECONSTRUCTION"

Every new members of the Artist's Way Group dances the Hokey Pokey before their exhibit! Welcome to all the new phenomenal creaties I have had the honor of spending my summer with!

2014 Begins with "The Desire Map" Book Group

What a great way to begin the year!

2013 a Phenomenal Year!

2013 Artist's Way Exhibition

Leesburg Artist's Way- Umbrellas

Orlando Sentinel

Leesburg Artist Way-Umbrellas

Beast Feast

Leesburg Center for the Arts Fundraiser with my handsome Dad.

Art & Music in the Park

Pairings Leesburg Art Center

Orlando Sentinel

Cheryl Jones Evans

Sanford Herald

The Art Shows!

Pairings 2012- Leesburg

Leesburg Daily Commercial

Leesburg Art Festival Poster Artist

The Boys are Married!!

BOTH of them!

Jason & Steph

Darren & Jill

Search This Blog

The Official F#ck it Bucket List!

The Official F#ck it Bucket

#1 The TOP #1...was just upstaged by a new and ultimate #1 "Fuck it" Doctors...Tests....Doctors....Tests...Doctors offices....hospitals....make them all go away!!! PLEASE

#2 Whiners...ooooops, I may have just blown this one!

#3 Waiting Rooms...refer to #1

#4 Bible Thumpers

#5 My physical body that will not do what I want it to do! Damn!

#6 Civic Ignorance and politics...ELECTIONS.....grrrrrr!

#7 Unavoidable NAP attacks

#8 S-ICD implanted right under bra elastic....not gonna kill me but...it is like having that "hockey puck" smashed into my ribs all day it feels like I am wearing a rock in my bra...

yeee-ouch!

#9 Learning how to forgive myself...I am really bad at it! How do we learn how to metabolize hurt, grief and pain so that it becomes a good thing in our lives????