“I want to know how to make him want me back when he ignores me!” That was an email I found in my inbox the other morning. It’s not the first time I’ve been asked a similar question. It’s an important one for any woman who is working her way through the tattered remains of a romantic entanglement that fell apart. Emotions aren’t quick to shut off. Even though you and your ex boyfriend aren’t together anymore that certainly doesn’t mean that you don’t still love him, right? You miss him, you long for him and you wish he’d at least talk to you. Every day that passes in which you hear nothing from him is another hit to your heart. You’ve tried calling, emailing and texting him but you are always greeted with silence. What now? What exactly should you be doing if you’re in this position?

I know that your first inclination when you feel panicked about the break up is to reach out to him. Maybe you’ve been immersed in thoughts about how great it was when you two used to frequent a certain restaurant or perhaps you’ve been reminded of your ex by the smell of cologne on another man on the subway. Regardless, there are bound to be moments when the need to talk to him feels almost overwhelming. I want you to do one thing when that feeling strikes you. I want you to walk away from your computer and your phone. Reaching out to him when you feel that lost is going to result in you saying things that will come back to haunt you. It’s hard to imagine anything more humiliating than pouring your heart out to an ex boyfriend who then ignores it altogether. If you call him, leave him a voicemail message in which you’re clearly emotionally wrought and he doesn’t respond, you’ll feel worse, yes? That’s why you need to avoid contacting him in those moments.

Why You Need to Ignore Your Ex Boyfriend Too

If he’s blatantly and purposefully ignoring you, there’s little you can do to change it other than mirroring his behavior. I realize this approach may appear as nothing more than a childish game but it’s actually a very effective way for any woman to cope with an ex boyfriend who is ignoring her. If you continue to put yourself out there in the way of trying to connect with your ex and he just pretends like you don’t exist, you’ll become increasingly emotionally fragile. You can’t do that to yourself.

The best way to make him want you back when he’s ignoring you is to pick up the pieces of your life the best you can and move on. There is a certain satisfaction that comes from having your ex chasing after you. You’d certainly feel that way if he was always trying to get you to pay attention to him again, yes? If you stop chasing him now any fulfillment he may have gotten from that will disappear. I can tell you that even though he may not be responding to your attempts to reach out to him, he’s definitely listening to all those voicemail messages you’ve left and he’s read every email and text message numerous times over.

By separating yourself from those emotions for a time you’ll be empowering yourself. It’s going to be difficult the first few days not to contact your ex boyfriend, but each day will become slightly easier. My advice is to follow this routine for at least the next three weeks. Don’t give in to the temptation to send him anything that suggests that you miss him. No late night calls and no random text messages when you’re feeling extra lonely.

How Taking a Break Will Help You Get Him Back

By the end of your self-imposed break from chasing your ex boyfriend you’re going to feel much different. You won’t feel as weighed down by the silence coming from him and you’ll be able to think clearly about what is really best for you in terms of the future.

At this point it’s okay to send him one message asking how he is. Since he hasn’t heard from you in so long, he’ll likely respond. Curiosity will have gotten the better of him by this point and he’ll want to know what you’ve been up to. Be calm, be confident and don’t let him know that all you still want is him back in your life.

By playing it cool, and pacing your interactions with him, you’ll be able to draw him back in. Just remember this: the least attractive thing to a man is a desperate woman. That’s why it’s essential that you take the high road when he is ignoring you. Don’t try and interact with any man who doesn’t want to interact with you. Give it time and distance and you’ll change the dynamic of your relationship with your ex boyfriend.