An Offer I Am Forced to Refuse

Because Life in the Boomer Lane is both an extremely famous blogger and a former hula hoop champion, she gets a lot of offers. Luckily she has not yet received any that invite her to insert herself into her own anatomy. Most are from people who want to promote their writing and/or merchandise. Two have asked LBL to review films. One asked LBL to review feminine urine retention undergarments (LBL wonders where this particular offer was when LBL actually needed it). None of these offers have resulted in monetary gain or an introduction to either Oprah or anyone from the pages of people Magazine.

Last week, LBL received a request that was so thought-provoking that she felt she had to share this with the world (the world being whoever happens to stumble into Life in the Boomer Lane, after getting lost trying to find Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog on conscious uncoupling) A word here: What you are about to read has not been embellished or edited in any way. It is presented to you in its pure form. Only the writer’s name has been changed, so as to avoid a major lawsuit:

Good Afternoon!

My name is Kiki Ford and I am a well known travel expert. I’ve been featured on several news channels and shows such as Tyra Banks and Nate Berkus. I am thrilled to introduce a my new fabulous challenge. I am collaborating with my favorite fashion, beauty and lifestyle bloggers on a project focusing on travel and fashion. I am planning an upcoming getaway with my husband to Miami, Florida I am reaching out to you because I am inspired by your style! I would love to invite you to participate in my exclusive project “KiKi’s Miami Fashion Challenge! ”

The Challenge:

I am planning a trip for my husband and I to Miami, South Florida. We haven’t been able to take a fun romantic getaway in quite a while. I am a mother to three wonderful children and I am excited to get a relaxing romantic escape with my hubby.

I am in desperate need of some up to date fashion guidance! I want to look glamorous yet chic ! I’m inviting you to help me put together a few new looks that will complement my travel plans. My husband and I are spending the week at a spectacular luxurious hotel and I will need an exotic ensemble! 🙂

If your interested in participating in this challenge let me know right away! I will have you create a fashion board with your top fashion picks. Email me back As soon as you can so I can send you some more details about our stay in South Florida! The contest winers (sic) will receive shout outs on my social media channels 🙂

Well, now. Where to start? First off, Life in the Boomer Lane is blown away that she is anyone’s favorite fashion, beauty, and lifestyle blogger. If you could magically view LBL blogging through your computer screen, you would see her wearing a festive array of clothing that is no longer suitable to be displayed in public and well beneath the donation standards of the local Goodwill. LBL is sort of speechless that anyone who has comingled auras with the likes of Nate Berkus and Tyra Banks would need LBL’s advice on anything at all, except perhaps an in-depth comparison of several high quality ice cream brands.

Next, LBL has certainly been to “Miami, South Florida,” although she is unaware that Florida has recently been divided into two states. She prefers not to hear about the “spectacular luxurious hotel” that you and your husband are staying at. It is most likely a step up from the Red Roof Inn, LBL’s and Now Husband’s go-to spot for their own fabulous, exotic getaways. Also, as LBL’s stays in Florida (both North and South) have almost always included enjoying life-threatening humidity, she has personally found it difficult to look “glamorous yet chic” (Are they in opposition to each other?) when her head morphs into a huge scary puff-ball. I can see in your profile photo (black tie affair, shining white-toothed smiles) that appeared with your email that you are a tall, thin blond. I can also see that your husband is a stud muffin. I suspect neither of you have ever experienced Puff-ball Head Syndrome. Might I suggest that you call your husband something other than “my hubby?” LBL has actually never heard anyone use that phrase, outside of 1960s sitcoms.

Third, I do hope you don’t take offense, but LBL is a bit mystified that you have become a well-known anything, given your obvious grappling with the English language. LBL will forgive (but not forget) the punctuation errors (know that hyphens are our friend in many cases, but exclamation points and happy faces at the end of paragraphs are not), but she feels that she must call attention to your misuse of the words “your,” and “I” and your general 5th grade writing style.

Alas, much as she lives for shout outs on all public media channels, she will have to pass on this offer. But she wishes you the best of luck in obtaining serious wardrobe advice from the minions.

Oh, LBL, that was too funny! Never you mind the spelling, she wants you to work for her as a stylist, for free, and then her reward is to mention your name in social media? Astonishing. I must admit you’re a great inspiration to me, because my puffball hairdo and I kinda wanna go finish the rest of that Chunky Monkey now.

Love this, especially as I reading it in my torn, Goodwill t-shirt, with my “Goofy” coffee mug brimming with caloric caffeine. Oh, did I mention the puff-ball bed-head. Wonderful! I really want to end this with a smiley face, but alas I must resist.

true….I actually got an email from someone woman yesterday who was “wow’d” by my photos and “promotes” up and coming artists through the internet to art shows in England and NYC. Yeah…after a $7K contract request.

What? You aren’t Gwyneth Paltrow? I have been waiting to hear about conscious uncoupling as I am only familiar with unconscious uncoupling. That would be there the male part finds a new love interest without consulting wife. As for this request, you should send her some photos of nice sweat suits. You know the ones from the 1960s in pastels, baggy legs with elactic at the too high ankle. This woman really needs help.

You filed this under “sarcasm” as a category?? I had no idea — KiKi seems like such a nice person, and so generous to share her media shout-outs with her unpaid fashion consultants! Gosh, when can you “introduce a my” ????

What’s sad is that I’ll bet people respond. And, since Kiki was generous enough to provide me with multiple ways to follow her charmed existence, I can keep track of her and give my readers (sad, unchic as they may be) an update on her vacation in South Florida.

LBL, too funny. Good choice on the name “Kiki” as I envisioned her and Elton John singing to your reply “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart.” Now, you will hum this song tune the rest of the morning as I am now. I love your first cartoon picture. You have a knack for selecting funny and pertinent ones to your subject. All the best, BTG

Wonder if you had responded affirmatively if the next email would have been a request for some cash to help Kiki replenish her wardrobe. That’s the first thing I thought of…a scam to get money out of you…maybe I’m too cynical.

Please stop being so funny! I just snorted Diet Dr. Pepper, and that is neither pleasant nor attractive. Of course, maybe I could stop being a moron and taking a sip of a drink while reading your posts. The weather has indeed turned sticky here in DC, and I once again join the Proud Puff-Head Brigade.

I just heard it was 87 here. When I got home it was a mere 82. Where are you? I’m in Arlington. I swear I used to know someone in your family (Foer). Her parents had a chain of pharmacies in DC. And is Jonathan Safran Foer part of the family? I’m one of his groupies.

I’m in Alex/Arlington, near Bailey’s XRoads. I am indeed related to all of those Foers, but unfortunately I don’t know any of them well at all. Related or not, I think Everything is Illuminated is one of the best novels I’ve ever read. Most of the Foer family is fairly illustrious; my brothers and I seem to have jumped in to the wrong side of the gene pool. 🙂

You are, I’m sure, equally talented. And you have such superb taste in blog reading. Everything is Illuminated is absolutely one of the top five books I have ever read. Genius. And he wrote it when he was basically still a kid.

I share your astonishment that anyone with such poor grammar skills could become famous. When you consider the exemplary grammatical trail blazed by such legends as Snooki, the Kardashians and all the Real Housewives, Travel Chick isn’t fit to lick their (6-inch heeled) boots! 🙂 !!! 🙂 😉

I actually know a reality show bimbo. A girl my 24-year-old daughter went to the same, tiny schools with for 12 years, who came to my house for parties and was in my Brownie troop, is on that new show where stupid, American girls do anything to get Prince Harry to marry them .

To be fair to her, she’s probably just a bimbo in training at this point.

I really enjoyed your blog. A lot of funny parts which I love! I’d really appreciate it if you’d take a look at my humorous blog at BeGoodorBGoodAtIt.com and tell me what you think. Keep up the great work!

You’re a funny guy, Aldo. Keep at it. It takes awhile to build up a readership. Thanks for visiting my alternate universe. PS Love what you wrote about going outside, where there is an entire ecosystem, etc.

LOL, hilarious 😉 I probably get a couple of “offers” a month, but nothing quite this titillating as this, as least thus far. One can only hope and dream… and they had better not start with “if your interested”…!

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