I love avocados, sometimes (read: daily) stand on my head to get my creative juices flowing, and I could listen to The Beatles sing, “I’ve Just Seen A Face” everyday, for the rest of forever.

Wondering what goes on here? Yup, so are the rest of us.

1. I am a lifestyle photographer. I have the most remarkable clients in the world, and I share their images here to inspire us all to live life with greater love, meaning and joy.

2. I am a writer. This blog is full of many of the curious thinks I have thunk.

3. I am a speaker and life/business consultant. I post upcoming speaking engagements and consulting information here as well.

4. I am most fulfilled by my work as a wife and mother to my 4 sons, one of whom now lives in Heaven. I share bits and pieces of our journey here on this blog. Including our ongoing struggle with grief, our experiences with ADHD and SPD, and our solid faith in a God much bigger than the challenges we face.

But ultimately, I hope that this blog is about something much bigger than all of that.My dream is for this blog to be a place where real life comes to be celebrated and enthusiastically embraced. Not just the pretty stuff, with tailored hems, clean lines,and the new colors for spring . . . but everything else, too. The frazzled mornings, broken hearts, crazy dreams, messy kitchens. . . even the fear, failure, hopelessness and devastation. I want this blog to be a place for every bit of what makes us all living, breathing, feeling human beings, experiencing together this remarkable thing called life.

May this be a place of passion, purpose, laughter, tears, friendship, encouragement and inspiration for us all.

In 2010, our perfect *”Baby Gavin” returned to Heaven after losing a courageous battle with **Pertussis (whooping cough). We are eternally and profoundly grateful to the thousands upon thousands (upon thousands) of friends and strangers from all over the world, of all faiths and creeds, who united with our family in prayer during Baby Gavin’s horrific illness and who grieved with us and continued to petition God in our behalf during the dark days following his tragic death. You may read Gavin’s story as it unfolded by visiting my old blog here. I am committed to sharing my ongoing struggles with grief and our journey toward joy here on the new blog. I am always humbled and amazed by the continued outpouring of love and support. Thank you for sharing in our journey and inspiring us with your unceasing love! God is good!

*My brother Gavin passed away unexpectedly in 2007. With all these Angel Gavins, it can get a little confusing at times, so just know that when I refer to “Gavin” I’m referring to my wonderful brother. When I refer to “Baby Gavin,” it is in reference to my perfect son, both of whom I cannot wait to see in Heaven!

**You will periodically see me blog about The Sounds of Pertussis campaign. I am an unpaid spokesperson and am only compensated travel expenses where applicable for my involvement with this important cause. Join our fight against this deadly communicable disease at www.soundsofpertussis.com or like us on facebook at www.facebook.com/soundsofpertussis.

My journey toward authenticity began the day my son diedthe day I died. (I can tell you from the bottom of my soul, they are one and the same.)

And there I was.

There I was. . .

(Deep exhale here.)

Nothing remained, aside from the physical form of the woman I had once been. Inside of that? Nothing was the same. When you come to THAT moment (that we all pray to God you never will) you have exactly two choices.

1. You die.
2. Or you don’t.

Physical death, yes, I suppose would be a third alternative (a thought that EVERY mother who’s walked where I’ve walked has entertained, even if only in an especially weak and fleeting moment), but I’m not speaking of physical death. I’m speaking of emotional death. Spiritual callus. The armor of the soul. Survival. Safety. The opportunity to disengage from the excruciating pain. The promise of relief from the acute, unrelenting torture. Option number 1, you die. See?

Option number 2, you don’t. BUT HOW DON’T YOU? HOW?! HOW?!!!! AND YES I’M SHOUTING NOW. I’M SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY BROKEN HEART. HOW DON’T YOU JUST CLIMB INTO THE CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS AND BURY YOUR HEAD IN THE SAND? (Yes, my cupboard under the stairs is at the beach. Apparently. And yes, I’m done yelling at you.)

How?

You submit.

And that’s how.

You submit.

You own your nothingness before God and yet your “everythingness” within him. For we are, each of us, nothing and everything all in the same harrowing yet joy-filled breath.

The moments after Gavin died horrified me. Horror. Times infinity. To the power of a million. For all the obvious reasons yes, but for one you rarely think about in specific. Eventually, friends, you have to walk away. You have to hand your dead child over to a stranger, and you have to walk away. I’ve never felt so small. I’ve never felt so afraid. I couldn’t do it. I moaned. I cried. I held him as tightly as I could. I probably screamed out loud, though I don’t remember for certain. If I didn’t, I should have. I’d certainly earned the right.

I’ve never been so acutely focused (before or since). I was completely keyed in to the moment I was in, the feelings I was experiencing, the fear that engulfed me. And amid all that terror, amid all that submission, amid all that awareness of my nothingness before God, I found something.

Myself.

No longer was I a woman who was born in 1981, had lived a while, and was having this experience in a hospital room in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit in 2010. I was Natalie.

I felt connected to myself in a whole new way. Connected to my divinity as a child of God, a literal spirit daughter of The Creator of Heaven and Earth and all things that in them are. I was Natalie, and Natalie, this me, SHE had the strength required to walk away. SHE had the faith required to move through this moment (and every one that would follow). SHE had the perspective I lacked. SHE had the courage I desired. SHE knew God in a way that I had never dreamed possible.

I held her hand, I kissed his face, and I walked away.

Over time, I’ve come to know her better. Learning she existed was half the battle, now getting to know her learning to become her will win me the war.

Authenticity. It’s a practice, not an art. A journey, not a destination.

Mysea:
I cannot read anything you write without a well of tears filling my eyes... God bless you for not hiding in your fear/anxiety and for blessing soooo many others with your thoughts and words. Can't wait to meet you! February 9, 2012 7:19 am

Jen Williams:
My friend referred me to this post. You are an amazing writer! And I too love photography and love the feeling you have captured with your header picture! I lost my 10 year old son 8 months ago and can push the YES completely button you created with your writing of loosing a child and the feelings that come from that moment on. Thanks for sharing your story! February 9, 2012 8:06 am

Kiera Haddock:
You've heard the words thousands of times so I'm not sure how to make mine stand out or come to life in any way. That being said, I am so inspired by your thoughtfulness, your approach to life, your attitude, your writing skills (and photo skills), your deep connection to yourself, and your honesty. I am following this series very closely so thanks in advance. February 9, 2012 8:17 am

Angela Bougher:
I lost my youngest son a little over a year ago. He was 3 months old... I'm still a mess. I appreciate your blog. you are an amazing woman to walk through your loss with such strength and life. I admire that and hope someday I am able to walk with half of what you possess. February 9, 2012 8:34 am

Shari Hanson:
i've said it before, and i will say it again. you, miss natalie, are a SHINING STAR! i love you. xoxo February 9, 2012 8:49 am

Shefali Lindsey:
Natalie, this is so beautifully written and something I need to hear. Just yesterday, I said OUTLOUD to my husband how I needed to be more authentic. I needed to stop trying for perfection. I have to learn that learning to let go, live and being true to yourself are the first steps to a more fulfilling and liberating life. I love every ounce of this post, and I think you are one amazing woman. Thank you! xoxo February 9, 2012 8:55 am

shannon kelley:
I am crying. Love you and know that you are SUCH an inspiration and I pray that I can one day be like you:) February 9, 2012 9:05 am

Kim Orlandini:
You inspire. This makes complete and utter sense. It isn't until horrendous trial strikes that we find out who we really are, who we truly can become. I love you. February 9, 2012 10:51 am

Monica:
Natalie - your words have such meaning and power. You are the strongest human being I know. I am so grateful for the blessings you bring into my life on a daily basis. I cannot wait to hug you again dear friend. February 9, 2012 11:32 am

Jamie:
As usual your words blow me away. I have not lost a child, but I have lost many pregnancies, and while i didnt get to kiss their faces, know their personalities, or feel their warm sweet breath against my cheek I loved them. WITH.MY.WHOLE.HEART.
I do not compare my loss to yours...there is no comparission. Loss is loss and it all hurts, and it hurts deeply. A life changing hurt that requires you to grow. Either inward to self, or outward and into God. I am slowly beginning to realize that the pain I faced, I allowed to shape me, drive me into self...for too long I have been bound by fear, anger, jealousy, bitterness, regret, shame, sadness, bewilderment. Some I knew were there, others I didnt. I have been on this long journey for a very long time it feels like. This path of genuine self discovery. God has been there leading as I'd let him, but the most stunning realization was how angry I was with Him. I am certain that my journey and yours started about the same time. I believe God is allowing that to be so for many women, to raise up a standard of women who KNOW who they are and can weather any storm that approaches from any angle. I believe He is using our stories to knit us all together across all the land...a network of Godly women who KNOW how to LIVE. Who have had expeiences shape them and therefore have wisdom to share with others.
Thank you for being so willing to share your heart, wide open, overflowing, and pouring it out for us. You are a treasure & I am blessed each day to "know" you!! XOXOXO February 9, 2012 12:32 pm

Ashley Lisonbee:
Hey Natalie,,,,,I feel your pain, I hope life since then has become more sweet. I have been through very difficult refining times that I too didn't think I would make it and now I am grateful. You are inspiring. Luvs,Ash February 9, 2012 12:37 pm

Aileen Reilly:
amen. and THIS is a series i cannot wait to follow. love you. xo February 9, 2012 1:14 pm

Melanie Toutai:
Natalie, I echo the so many thousands of others who love you and respect you and thank you for your inspiration and amazingness. But I ask you this, how do you find your authentic self if you haven't yet traveled down those dark roads, or had a horrendous trial? xx Melanie February 9, 2012 2:01 pm

Mickisha:
Thanks for the incredible food for my soul Natalie! As always, you kick my butt off the hamster wheel of life:) I wish you didn't have to go through what you have to become the person that you are at this moment, but you sure are awesome! February 9, 2012 9:20 pm

Erin H.:
Well, you just kinda tugged on that little string that sits inside my heart and spoke directly to me. Wow... good morning! Honestly can't wait to give you a big ol' hug in Vegas. February 10, 2012 5:54 am

wendi solari:
You have GOT to stop making me cry every time I come here! You're killin' me, smalls. I love your words and that you share what you learn, as painful as it may sometimes be. It is a gift you give the rest of us. Have a peaceful weekend. xoxo February 10, 2012 7:56 pm

Emily:
You never fail to do it every.single.time. You help me take a moment and reflect and think and examine my life and who I am and who I ultimately want to be. Thank you, a million times over, for putting yourself out there for my benefit. February 10, 2012 9:49 pm

Lisa:
I've been reading your blog since before Gaven was born but have hardly commented. however, this topic i feel incredibly passionate about. Living an authentic life is truly living. I have discovered this and done and lived more in the past 2 years then i ever even dreamed possible. It's COMPLETELY worth the jump. February 11, 2012 12:10 pm

Oriana:
ok....im admiting something : YOU ARE MORE WISER THAN ANY HUMAN BEING..../other than me.. :) :P February 13, 2012 10:00 am

Liz Shelts:
I can feel a glimmer of what it must have felt like Natalie, your words so expressive so intensely real touch me reading this, with tears streaming I feel your pain, but am truly struck by the beauty you seem to have found discovering yourself through little Gavin's death, I am in awe that someone so little and new had the power to help his mother see herself and truly feel and see herself for the first time, he was definitely sent from GOD! Your Angel!
in his name-
Liz February 13, 2012 12:55 pm

Tricia:
" For all the obvious reasons yes, but for one you rarely think about in specific."
Recently I was struck with fear, worry, & anxiety... Over health scares, the "what ifs" and my greatest fears, something happening to my babies.
I thought mostly about the one thing you referenced most wouldn't. I imagined having to walk away- having to let go... I imagined I would be wailing & I couldn't imagine being able to do it. I am amazed once again by the grace that God has poured out upon you through every mothers worst nightmare. I don't know how you did it. But I'm in awe of your strength, as always... I haven't visited the blog recently... But once again I'm left in tears.... Psalm 91 has been a huge comfort to me through my anxiety & you are a shining example of how God promises to carry us in the palm of His hand. I am living each day, holding my loved ones close, & remembering that none of us are promised tomorrow, and refusing to let fear rule me.
Thank you again, for opening your heart. February 14, 2012 1:18 am

sarah:
I am so sorry for your pain. Your words, and soul brought tears streaming down my face. I will pray for you, and your sweet heart. February 21, 2012 10:40 pm

natalie:
Tricia, God DOES carry us in the palm of his hand. Absolutely. Thank you for this beautiful reminder. And honey, as my mom would say, "don't borrow trouble" worrying about what COULD be. You'll miss out on what IS. And I'm living breathing proof that you simply cannot afford to miss a single second. xo, N February 28, 2012 6:31 pm

I remember walking out of the hospital room after he died. I remember each step in vivid detail. Richie and I walked, our arms wrapped tightly around one another—I leaned my weight heavily against him, trying to keep myself from falling to the ground. “I feel like Adam and Eve,” I’d said. “We’re on our way into the lone and dreary world. Nothing will ever be the same.”

News like this spreads like wildfire. As soon as I went radio silent on the www, speculations were rampant. I started getting messages from strangers offering me Valium and other strange narcotics. Thankfully, I was cognizant enough to know that this would be nothing more than putting a fairy band aid on a gaping wound (and thankfully my momma taught me right, “Just say, ‘no’”). We waked into the hotel room, where Richie helped me bind my breasts with an ace bandage. Practicality still reigned sovereign. I was a nursing mom. I’d been pumping every 2 hours since he’d been admitted to the PICU, and I was in a lot of pain.

Then we climbed into bed, wrapped our arms around each other. . . and cried.

I did sleep that night. I know I did, because I remember waking up. I remember waking up and groaning at the throbbing in my chest. I slipped out of bed and into the bathroom, where I tried to gently unwrap myself. I screamed from the pain—I’m not sure if it was the physical pain, the broken heart, or a combination of everything, but I let out a scream the size of Texas.

Later that morning, my parents arrived. They’d booked us flights home later that day. They’d arranged for Gavin’s body to be shipped on the same flight from Salt Lake City to Honolulu. God bless her, my mom didn’t want us to be separated. I still don’t know what percentage of a fortune this cost them, but gosh am I grateful.

I just lay on the couch as everyone discussed the details of the day. I’d say I was numb, but that would be lazy writing. I wasn’t numb. I felt. I felt every breath in my body, every beat of my heart. I could feel my cells regenerating, my blood pumping, the growth of my hair. No I wasn’t numb, only incapacitated. Completely incapable of anything but cellular function . . . to breathe in and out.

I don’t know why I’m telling you this story, except that I am.

I’ve never known how to describe the way that day felt in words. I pray to God you never have to learn for yourself.

Nearly 2 years later, I received a forwarded email from my friend, Jon. A stranger had written a song.

“I wrote a song late one night after following the story of your friend Natalie losing her little baby. I wrote it quick and recorded it quick to try and not lose the tension I was feeling after reading of her heartbreaking loss. It’s a personal thing… something I can never really comprehend.”

Again, all this time later, I found myself wrapped in Richie’s arms, silent sobs rising from my chest.

Jayme:
So beautiful, touching, aching, sad... so many emotions. Thank you for sharing... I started following you when you first admitted Gavin... not sure how I found your story but I was glued. I am still glued to you and your life. Big Hugs from SoCal. January 9, 2012 3:42 pm

Shari Hanson:
beautiful song...
how much can one heart take???
you have proven that it can take A LOT. thank you for always sharing your amazing spirit and heart with me (and the rest of the world).
hugs and more hugs times infinity for you from HB. xoxo January 9, 2012 3:43 pm

Melody:
Your parents sure are awesome.
I love that after reading that horrible story, I see your beautiful, smiling face right below it. How absolutely fitting. January 9, 2012 3:46 pm

natalie:
Jayme, thank you so much! I hope you keep in touch! With love, Natalie January 9, 2012 4:00 pm

natalie:
Shari, Isn't it just beautiful! Oh! I love you! Your friendship is one of the beautiful blessings of this trial! Would we know each other otherwise?! Probably not! xoxo! January 9, 2012 4:01 pm

Katie:
You should write a book Nat. I would read it. I look up to you and I am grateful I can call you my friend. January 9, 2012 4:40 pm

Cassie:
Beautiful....both the way you described your feelings and the song. You are such a strong and inspiring person. I aspire to be as strong as you, to have as much faith as you. Thank you for being an inspiration and hero to so many for sharing your story. January 9, 2012 4:49 pm

Adrianna:
Natalie, I think of you often and I am so grateful for the inspiration and beauty that you share with the world. I feel so lucky to be able to "know" you. BIG BIG HUGS. January 9, 2012 4:57 pm

natalie:
Katie, I think about it sometimes, but then I wonder, if I wrote a book, what would be left to blog about? ;) January 9, 2012 5:10 pm

Shelly:
Dear Sweet Natalie,
Your beautiful way with words brings me right back (as if I needed anything to do that). My heart breaks and tears flow as they always do when I think of this time. I just want to say that Ryan Tanner's song is unbelievable. Haunting, beautiful, tender and full of love. Wow. Little did I realize that I also own some of his songs already. His voice and words speak to my soul. What a gift he gave you.
I love you. January 9, 2012 6:47 pm

natalie:
Shelly, isn't it just amazing?! So full of soul. Plus, my brother Gavin would have LOVED it! Right?! Love you! January 9, 2012 6:56 pm

Heather:
Nat! That song made me cry and cry and cry! I feel like I know Ryan Tanner because of his lullaby covers that I love so much. And then to hear this beautiful song for Gavin?! So touching. I love you Nat! You're a wonder woman. You're strong! You're brave! I'm so glad you're my sister in law. xoxo January 9, 2012 7:39 pm

natalie:
Heather, I know. How kind of him, right?! I only know him through a couple of email exchanges, but he is just so gracious and real. I love this song so much. But not as much as I love YOU! January 9, 2012 8:48 pm

Bree:
Natalie: Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us. I recently found out that the baby I am carrying has a birth defect called Holoprosencephaly. Although it isn't known when, we have been told that he will leave us all too soon after he is born. This will be the second child I will bury. My heart cries out for you and the loss of your beautiful baby boy. I feel as if you've written your posts about Gavin just for me, and from them I'm able to gather so much strength. Your feelings and emotions are so close to what I have gone through, what I am going through now and know I will be going through again, all too soon. Thank you for being such an amazing role model. Thank you for being such an amazing example to us all. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your amazing story of strength and love. January 9, 2012 9:23 pm

marie rose:
When I saw you posted this I had to tell myself to wait until I was home alone in my room so I could cry my eyes out and not be in public. Sure enough the moment the melody of the song started...the tears started flowing. I remember the day you posted Gavin went home to our Father in Heaven. I cried the hour drive home from work. My heart was just broken and it still breaks for you this time of year and come October as well. Your are amazing...a rock star really! I'm always grateful that I know because you make me want to be a better mother, member and all around better person. Straight to heaven you go! January 9, 2012 10:16 pm

Kirsten:
Thanks for sharing Nat! Inspiring as always. I just realized that the day of your greatest heartbreak is the day I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. It seems incredible that two things causing opposite emotions could happen at the same time. Sending you virtual hugs and kisses January 10, 2012 12:00 am

natalie:
Bree, so much love and all my prayers for you. I'm so very, very sorry. Love, Natalie January 10, 2012 2:40 am

natalie:
Marie Rose, Ha! Straight to Heaven? Let's hope Heavenly Father has a great sense of humor and a blind eye, then that MIGHT possibly be true. ;) Loves to you! N January 10, 2012 2:42 am

natalie:
Lots of love to you Kelli!!! xoxoxo! January 10, 2012 8:58 pm

Chantelle:
Thinking of you, Natalie. The song is incredible. And so are you and your family. Such an example of strength. January 10, 2012 9:17 pm

Julee:
Throughout these past two years I am still blog-stalking, CRYING, and PRAYING for you! January 10, 2012 11:40 pm

Carly:
Two years ago I left a comment about how my husband had contracted pertussis and how grateful I was for you sharing your story because we recognized the symptoms and my baby girl had been immunized (you used it in a blog post). This is my second comment and I am, again, deeply grateful for the fact that you share your very personal journey with strangers like me. This time, for a different reason- the hope it brings. One of my best friends lost her 2 month old baby girl to SIDS while on a trip to Utah a couple months ago. This post reminded me of her heart-wrenching description of their flight out of Utah to return home with their baby girl's body. Your blog gives me hope that she can have an even more beautiful life than she had before. I know it will not be devoid of terrible pain and longing for her baby, but it can be so, so beautiful. January 11, 2012 10:15 am

natalie:
Julee, Thanks for being such a good friend. Seriously! January 11, 2012 11:09 am

natalie:
Carly, I totally remember you. Let's not go 2 years before our next chat! I'm certain your friend is so thankful to have you in her life. I can tell you're a blessing in her life. And you're right, life for her will be painful and complicated, but it will also be filled with unprecedented joy and happiness. God is amazing in that way. All my love! N January 11, 2012 11:12 am

julie:
I just wanted to let you know, that thanks to you, your tireless work for sounds of pertussis, the life and story you share of baby Gavin, we were able to catch my son's pertussis early and he was able to rally through. Your words, your heart, your pain, your baby's life, are not being wasted. Thank you more than you will ever know. January 11, 2012 5:49 pm

Kirsten:
My heart aches for you. I love how real and honest and open you are. Thank you for writing and sharing. January 11, 2012 10:15 pm

Sarah:
I'm lying here next to my baby boy, born the January you lost yours and my soul aches for you. I never take a day for granted, not one. I'm a better mom because I know your story. I found your blog through a prayer chain. I prayed for you and I still pray for you. This song brought me to tears, such a window to the soul. January 12, 2012 10:53 pm

Jaye:
I was introduced to (your virtual) you as a photographer, but I am a better 21 year-old for knowing your story as a mother. From what you share with us readers, you have been through so much and yet are eloquent and colourful in your storytelling. I would never take pleasure in another's pain, but I am blessed to know that there are just so many other things that could be happening to me apart from the daily mundane. It truly puts things in perspective. You are an inspiration and I as a reader feel very special for being let in to this part of your life!! Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing--as Julie posted before me, there is truly no waste. Much love. January 12, 2012 11:59 pm

Natalie Norton Photography | Blog:
[...] Liz, contacted me to see if I was available to shoot her newborn on January 7th, I hesitated. The 7th marked 2 years since we lost Gavin, and I wasn’t sure how I’d manage a shoot of this [...] January 17, 2012 11:24 pm

Jennifer:
Sobbing. I love this. Love that you shared and love that you were able to use it for Kalyn's video too. Bless you Natalie! You are amazing! April 19, 2012 12:39 pm

Lyndzee:
So much emotion is felt when you speak of Gavin. You are so strong and you have an undeniable motherly beauty. I love you so much!! January 7, 2013 10:09 am

natalie:
Lyndzee, Thank you, sweet friend. From the SECOND he was born, there was just something about him. . . power. . . that's the only word I can think of. It's astonishing to think of how many lives he has changed. . . mine most of all. I love you. Natalie January 7, 2013 1:49 pm

Kass:
I googled "what are the chances of rain this week in Salt Lake City?" and I got your beautiful post. I hope these three years have served to give you comfort and strength. May 4, 2013 7:43 am

Reasons to keep going… | Brian Bingham Music:
[...] Ryan opened the rounds with his delicate guitar style and immediately drew every single person in before the verse even started with a simple yet gripping hum. I was introduced to Ryan’s music via his old band Atherton’s Skyline Motel release show up at The Fort Douglas Theatre years ago and have, in turn, given this delight to many people. Each one of us has had the same experience: pure awe in the excellence of his voice. It stops your speech. It clears your mind. It makes the troubles of your day to day seem manageable. The best part about Ryan is how much he would dislike this part of the blog if he knew I was writing it. He’s got to be hands down one of the most humble people I have ever met and it completely warrants his songs and performance. Humility shines through his music and makes it timeless. Listening to his songs, you may assume they were written decades ago, cemented into history, carved by time and love but they still have a place in the hearts of today. For example, he heard the story of how this couple lost their child and became a conduit of inspiration and love using his voice and guitar to bring them comfort in an unparalleled time of grief. (more) [...] December 7, 2014 6:21 pm

Keri Cohen:
I just stumbled upon your blog via a post on Facebook (the story of photographing the young girl's funeral) and my heart was so deeply touched by your words and then the slide show. Your photography skills are amazing and the tenderness of your work on this particular situation was breath-taking. I had to go find the song Salt Lake City Rain because it is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story here as well. I've just begun to dig into your blog but I have a feeling I will be spending some time with you over the next few evenings. Bless you. April 15, 2015 12:31 pm

I resolve:

(When, by the way, did feelings vis-à-vis goal setting at the beginning of the year become so antagonistic? People, have a little courage—and faith in yourselves—for Pete’s sake!)

In 2011, I had one resolution. One. It’s of a fairly personal (read: embarrassing) nature, so don’t expect me to dish. Sorry friends, your curious little cat is definitely going to die–my lips are sealed.

Like I said, one resolution, and while it is still somewhat a work in progress, I’m happy to report that SIGNIFICANT (read: soul rattling) progress was in fact made toward it’s fulfillment in 2011. Reason to rejoice!

This year’s resolution, I am willing to divulge, but not without back story.

Me: Richie, what’s your resolution?

Richie: To do what I know.

Me: How do you mean?

Richie: I know a lot. This year, I need to DO what I know.

You see, he’s right.

We DO know a LOT.
All of us do.

It’s easy to focus on the negative, on the places we lack, on the ways our lives are different than, less than, harder than those around us (or worse than the way we thought they’d be—the way we “deserved” them to be). But the reality is, if we really dig deep, we’ll find just how blessed we really are, and if we dig even deeper, we’ll find that we inherently have every.single.thing we need, right inside of us.

My short conversation with my brilliant husband caused me to dig.

Here’s what I found.

I have been blessed with tremendous parents (M + D) who raised me with love and taught me emotional intelligence and spiritual understanding (and happily, some street smarts to boot). I have been blessed with remarkable resources both personally and professionally who teach me (mostly through example) how to not only survive, but to THRIVE in this crazy realm we call “life.” I also have beautiful children who have taught me patience and love, and a smart, faithful, supportive husband who loves me crazy. (Yes, that last sentence reads just as I intended it to. ) I have a religion that fills me to overflowing and stands ready to guide me through every faucet of my life: if only I’ll stop, look and listen.

Above and beyond everything else, I have that quiet voice that lives deep inside my soul. . . that sweet voice that inherently knows the way to love, to live, to be. This year, I’m ready to listen to that voice who knows.

I’m still muddled; I have no idea where this year will lead, but this is the year I will stop spinning my wheels, and simply do what I know.

Yes, this is the year I’ll live from my heart; this is the year I’ll do what I know.

Here’s to you, 2012. I’m sincerely excited for you to come into focus.

Nicole Ledford:
You are such a great source of inspiration! Every post of yours lifts me up. I'm fighting my own extremely difficult battles at the moment and after every word of yours that I read, my inner strength solidifies just a little bit more. I'm so grateful that you are sharing your personal insights on life and other things. Thank you! January 3, 2012 1:31 am

Shelly:
I think your words, and Richie's, have finally given clarity to MY New Year's resolution! Thank you! I plan to do what I know. This is GOOD! January 3, 2012 9:15 am

Chelsea:
What a perfect New Years resolution. My sister lost her 9 year old a few months ago, and I have shared many of your posts with her. i am thankful for your willingness to be open and real about the all emotions, good and bad, that come after a loss like yours. You are an inspiration. January 3, 2012 1:02 pm

Noa:
LOVE it. And knowing you, I am confident 2012 will be an absolutely amazing year full of discovery and joy. Happy New Year, my friend!! January 3, 2012 1:26 pm

natalie:
Nicole, What are we here for if not to help each other weather these storms? You reading helps me feel like I matter, like somehow my pain wasn't for naught and my writing helps you feel less alone. Relationships are beautiful, aren't they. Thank you for reading. Hope to hear more from you. xo! January 3, 2012 5:00 pm

Amie White:
And you will. You will because you are wise, dear friend. For the true definition of WISDOM see Doctrine and Covenants Chapter 45:57
"What can I say more?" :)
Te amo! January 4, 2012 12:38 pm

Jen Fairbanks:
Beautifully said. I love that resolution! It's all about becoming, isn't it? So painful sometimes, but so worth it in the end. January 4, 2012 10:39 pm

Kim:
Thank you Natalie. This is beautiful & true. I can relate. January 5, 2012 8:13 am

Laurenbythesea:
You are such a fantastic writer. Your words flow so well and exude kindness and humanity. Reading your blog fills my heart :) January 19, 2012 11:02 am

debra brown:
These sentiments are sooooo nice. I decided to approach 2012 in much same way. Like minds! I don't know you, however, your words are inspirational to me. I WONDERFUL 2012 to us both! January 20, 2012 7:52 am

I’m not going to color coat my life for the blogosphere… I’m in a genuine funk. I miss my brother, I miss my son and all this missing makes me feel like I’m quietly losing my mind.

Every time I close my eyes, vivid memories, horrifying memories flood my consciousness.

Showers are the worst; I didn’t realize how much deep, closed eyed thinking went on during showers.

I’d rather stay dirty, thank you.

I knew this anniversary would be hard, I just didn’t anticipate the person it would turn me in to. I’m grouchy and melancholy, and for the first time in a long time, I actually feel sorry for myself.

Bleh. I hate this version of me.

The happy news is that I respect myself enough to let myself ride this wave. One of the greatest gifts I can give myself through grief is the opportunity to simply be where I am, without frustration, without judgment.
Because this too shall pass.

Aileen Reilly:
Nat, thinking of you and sending you love. 'Tis normal to wallow. Just remember when looking in, to also look up friend. Look up. A xoxo December 28, 2011 10:44 am

Ihilani:
Natalie, I so admire you for your strength, for allowing yourself to whole-heartedly feel your pain and live in the moment when people would rather not face the tragedies of their lives and call avoidance and stoicism strength. You're in my prayers today. December 28, 2011 10:53 am

Lindsay:
Natalie, I love you. And think of you every.single.day. Love the part about respecting yourself enough to allow yourself to be where you are. To be honest, I'd be worried if you didn't feel the way you do. you handle tragedy more gracefully than anyone I've ever met. Glad you are "buddies with god" and that you have him to help you through this horrific thing we call life. I love you. I love Gavin. That little baby boy and you changed my entire perspective on life and have most certainly made me a better mother. Ps. Thought you'd be interested to know that my little boy Carter is sleeping through the night and absolutely adores his new little brother. God is mindful of each of us. This I know. December 28, 2011 11:37 am

a mermaid:
I love you dearly my friend. I have been thinking about you and what it must feel like to be back in Utah at this time of year or even on the mainland for that matter, but you are facing it all with grace as you do. We all love you dearly- I am far from the only one- and we are with you. LOVE. December 28, 2011 11:47 am

kati:
i think you'd be crazy if you weren't having those feelings (and obvs i don't know just how bad they can be, but showers really are the place where upsetting thoughts can run wild, i know). aileen has good advice. i'll be thinking of you and your family! xoxo December 28, 2011 1:24 pm

rachel devault:
I'm glad you can allow yourself to ride this out, because it's so normal, and maybe necessary! You are so strong. So, so strong. I love you. December 28, 2011 1:42 pm

Jamie:
Oh sweet Natalie, my heart just breaks for you...praying you through...it's the best I can offer.
Hugs from afar...
XOXOXO
Jamie December 28, 2011 2:28 pm

April:
i'm so sorry. it's just tough. and, i get it about the shower. that's where i often think of my little girl and don't even realize how much time has passed. hang in there :) December 28, 2011 2:59 pm

m|p:
this is my first time commenting, but ive been a reader for a long time.
thank you for sharing this. i am in my own funk, as well, + the last two days have been spent coccooning under my blankets, except when i left my house to spend two hours a day with friends.
im honoring my grief. it seems fitting to do so as this year ends.
love your words + images + movies! December 29, 2011 10:42 am

michelle:
Just what is it about showers? That's the only place I can let it go.... December 29, 2011 1:02 pm

Cat:
Natalie your words inspire me daily and I thank you for sharing your life with us, the good and the not so good. Hang in there and like you said this too shall pass. This is my first time commenting too, i'm from the UK and look forward to your blog. Not sure if you've heard of it, but I recommend 'one thousand gifts' by Ann Voskamp. An amazing book. Keep smiling and indeed looking up :o) December 29, 2011 1:23 pm

Ceci Holdnak:
You are so very much in my thoughts and prayers... I admire your courage, strength and most of it, your love for God... May he give you peace during these hard times... Memories are priceless... and you have the right to all those feelings remembering your brother and lovely child... Peace Natalie... this too shall pass... December 30, 2011 8:27 pm

Sally:
I'm so sorry for everything you have gone through. Your words always move me and make me want to be a better person. Thank you for sharing your honest emotions with the world. You are a pathway for so many to healing and hope. January 1, 2012 10:50 pm

natalie:
@Sally, Thank you so much for your kind words. Sincerely. January 2, 2012 9:25 pm

natalie:
@Cat This better not be the ONLY time you comment. We need to be bffs. I'm looking up that book now! January 2, 2012 9:27 pm