2. Hate Me.

Sometimes I wish I was human. So I could kill myself, painfully. This slow torture that I have been enduring is hardly tolerable. I could hardly stand it. The Volturi wouldn’t help anymore. After the third time I went to them, they stopped taking my appointments.

Leaving Bella was the worst decision I have ever made. She will never take such a monster back into her life. I assume she has moved on by now. After all, she had told her mother that it was just a crush. She will get over me. She deserves better than me, someone who doesn’t have to fight the urge to smother and kill her every second they are together. It has been 5 months, 14 days, 21 hours, 42 minutes, and 3 seconds since I made the worst choice of my existence and…

I hate myself. I hate myself for leaving my angel, no matter how much she would benefit from it. Me being the selfish creature that I am, I hate myself for all the pain that I have been subjecting myself to. Yes, pain I am all too familiar with, I am a vampire after all. But this pain is different, this pain makes me feel like my silent, unbeating heart has been ripped out and burned. Then the cinders have been packed into a glass case that with one touch could shatter it into a million pieces. It is worse that the fire that burned in my veins when I was changed.

My only escape has come in the form of music. I only started writing songs to appease Alice. She was becoming increasingly annoying with her thoughts. I just wanted her to shut up and stop trying to make me happy again. Surprisingly, in really liked it. I have always written classical music but it felt better to write harder, rawer, music with lyrics. A sense of release, if only for a couple of minutes. Alice suggested that we start a band, and that she be the “manager”. If I had known what would happen I would have never let her talk me into the idea. Emmett chose the name “vegan” for our little group, a sort of joke at the fact that we didn’t eat humans, in a way, truly vegans. Alice got us a lot of shows and gigs. I didn’t protest, knowing that this was going to be a phase that she got into. It would pass.

Too soon we started touring with well known bands. We built a following; I never knew that my songs would relate to humans…at all. But all of this was easier said than done. I was till a mess. After every show, I pretty much curled up into a ball and let the misery and guilt have me. No doubt Jasper does not like me too much at the moment. He’s just as much a mess as I am.

“I’m sorry Jazz.”

“Edward really, its okay I understand. I would be the same if I spent any length of time separated form Alice. But I am getting a bit tired of your overwhelming emotions. It is bad enough with all of us living on one bus, but with you it’s ten times worse. Why don’t you just go back? Oh how it would be so much easier on us.” He walked up behind me, staring out at the crowd in front of us.

“I know. Seriously I’m trying. It’s just so hard. She’s all I see. No matter what everything reminds be of her.” I told him sadly. Whenever I saw the color brown or see a girl who looks in the least bit like Bella, I almost die, figuratively speaking of course.

“It’s getting better. Trust me. But if you went back to her, it would be completely gone. And I know for certain that she will be more than receptive to your plan to win her back. Her feelings for you were equally strong as yours for her.” Then he walked onto the stage. The rest of my family followed after him. I was last to walk out.

The crowd was in a frenzy. I tuned out their loud thoughts and voices. Wanting only to connect with the music tonight, to try to connect to Bella in my memory. My first song was perfect for the mood I was in tonight, it was called “hate me” I tried not to lose it when my angel’s perfect voice sounded through the speakers signaling the beginning to the song.

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my headThey crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bedDropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alonePlaying movies in my head that make a porno feel like homeThere's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brainAn ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will I ever see you again?And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?And will you never try to reach me? You didn’t need me in your space.

Hate me todayHate me tomorrowHate me so you can finally see what's good for youHate me todayHate me tomorrowHate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in waysYeah ways hard to swallowHate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and waveKicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had madeAnd like a baby boy I never was a manUntil I saw your brown eyes crying and I held your face in my handAnd then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to bethis lie I whispered to her

"You don’t want me?"

“no”

Hate me todayHate me tomorrowHate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in waysYeah ways hard to swallowHate me so you can finally see what's good for youFor you. For you.

“Edward whatever you are thinking, don’t do it. You will tear this family apart. I do not want to lose my best friend. Bella will die. Please, don’t do it. For me .I am your sister, that has to count for something right?”

“Come home soon ‘kay? I love you. Bye bye”

*************************

Applause screams, and thoughts invaded my brain like a nuclear explosion. We finished the rest of our set soon. Only a small venue tonight, nothing big. By 11:20 we finished all of our songs. The crowd screamed for an encore for 10 minutes before I caved in and went back out on the stage. I really had no idea what I was going to do.

-I’m just going to do an impromptu song and hope they like it- I thought to myself.

I silently wished that Bella would hear my songs. For her to hear my anguish. I never wanted to hurt her. Ever. I wanted her to know that I lied to her, that I still lover her. But this was hopeless. Just like the argument about my soul. It was forever lost, just like Bella was to me.

Use me as you willPull my strings just for a thrillAnd I know Ill be okayThough my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fallI'll stand up with you foreverI'll be there for you through it allEven if saving you sends me to heaven

*************************

I set the guitar down and stalked off the stage. My eyes filled with unshedable tears. She had heard me. My Bella, my angel had heard my confession. I didn’t know where that song came from. The feeling I got by playing it was impossible to describe, because not only had she heard me, I had heard her. Bella’s enchanting voice flowed along mine harmoniously, like silk on skin.

The pain was intolerable. This was the final straw. The one thing I wanted the most wanted me to come to her. She wanted a monster to love her. Even after everything I did to her, she wanted me to come home. The final straw, the final thing that broke my resolve.

-I’m not strong enough for this, I need her now, I need to find her, now. - I thought to myself. I walked past the roadies and extra people wanting nothing more than to wallow in the bus. Suddenly my cell phone vibrated in my pocket. I sighed and looked at the screen. Alice. I opened it up. Waiting for the speed talking to commence.

“Thank goodness. Edward. I thought you would never make that decision” I heard a faint mumbling in the background. “Mmhmm thank you Emmett. I hope that you’ve learned my now that you should never bet against a psychic? You can be so dense sometimes. Okay Edward, do you want to know where she is?”