Idol is being self congratulatory again. I know it’s a ratings powerhouse, but this is ridiculous. It’s not like Simon Fuller has discovered the cure for cancer.

Gwen asks why they are wearing white. Oy.

I’m looking forward to tonight. All the pressure is off. But can Kris and Adam sing together without sounding totally weird?

Kris was leading on Dial Idol this morning, but by negligible numbers. Kris also barely won the TV Guide poll. I’m just passing this on for info sake.

Kris and Adam’s mics don’t work. Ha!

The top thirteen launch into a haphazard version of Pink’s ” So What”. The thirteen sound atrocious together. They always have. ” And you’re a tool” made the cut. Snickers. Awful off key notes left and right. Last year’s top twelve were truly much better as a collective.

RyRy=smarmy ass.

David!!!!! ” Permanent”!!!! Whoot! And he sounds great. God, I’ve missed him on this show. And everyone buy the song.

Idol Awards- a moment of levity. Some awful performances. Everyone laugh at the deluded.But we get NickNorman again. God, I love the guy.

Lil sings with Queen Latifah, and The Queen sings circles around the Lil one.

Jason Mraz!!! With Alexis and Anoop. I love this song. I love Mraz. I love Alexis and Anoop. I love this. Best of the current Idol performances so far.

We get a Kris tape piece. We found him in Kentucky, remember? He’s such a sweet guy. And he sings ” Kiss A Girl” with Keith Urban. He sounds good on the song. I’m not a big fan of this Keith song, but whatever, they sound great.

The girls are now singing Fergie’s ” Glamorous”. Are you kidding? Fergie can’t sing either. Jasmine is heinous. There is no melody to this song. Fergie comes out and “sings” “Big Girls Don’t Cry”. Ugh. Now the Black Eyed Peas come out to join there wayward girl and launch into whatever this song is ( I’ve been immersed in Green Day’s new album- it’s a classic. I’ve been avoiding BEP at all costs). Why the sudden cut to the Idol sign and no sound?

More Idol awards. Best Attitude. And Bikini Girl is on the list. The only moment all season I liked Kara. And then Kara joins Bikini Girl on stage and sings circles around the girl. ( Kara can sing. Not spectacularly, but she can.)

Ally!!!!! Singing “Time After Time” with Cyndi Lauper. Awesome. Allison loses the lyric a bit. They both sound good in their quirky way. The chorus is gorgeous. I love you, Ally Cat.

Danny is singing “Hello”? SACRELIGE!!!!!!!

But Lionel Richie… well, he’s cool in a cheesy ass way. Too bad he’s singing with DWP. I don’t like this song at all though. Just like DWP. Now some ” All Night Long”. DWP sucks donkey balls.

Now we get Adam’s tape piece in San Fransisco. He kept his promise, indeed. Adam is singing with …, wait, what the fuck is he wearing? He launches with ” Beth”? KISS!!!!!!!!!!!! KIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!! ” Detroit Rock City” is my fave KISS song, and then we get ” Rock And Roll All Nite” and I love Adam right now. Awesomeness.

Still prefer Cyndi and Ally. Just saying.

Carlos Santana is awesome. Some ” Black Magic Woman”. Loving it. Some Matt Giraud who sounds pretty good with the man. Little off in the lower register. Now some ” smooth”. Love this song. It’s ten years old, you know. Adam joins in. Jorge… this must be the guy song. Kris really sounded good on his line. DWP sucks still. Nope, the girls join in. The thirteen together still sound shitty.

Ford video. Whatever.

David gives Adam and Kris cars. I love that. All three seem so nice.

Steve Martin, who is my comedy hero. He’s joining Sarver and Megan. WTF? This is the weirdest thing ever on Idol. Megan still is bizarre. Total surrealist moment.

Gwen has informed me we are watching SYTYCD. Oh boy.

Um… The guys are singing ” If Ya Think I’m Sexy”. Why? I’m not even a Rod Stewart fan and I feel sorry for the dude. Rod does come out next, and he begins “Maggie May”, the only Rod Stewart song I believe is perfect. Rod’s voice hasn’t been the same since his surgery. The grit’s there, but the power he had is gone. Sad, really. The song is still awesome, though.

Another Idol award. Oh, shit. Shriekianna. SHIT! I was hoping to avoid the drama queen. Shit. This is bad comedy but I can’t help laughing at the absurdity.

So we are now twenty minutes out of the scheduled end time of Idol. I’m expecting an Adam-Kris moment.

And we get “We Are The Champions”. Queen on Idol. Awesome. Adam is in his zone on this song. Gwen just saw Brian Mays and screamed. Awesome vocals by our top two. I am loving this more than I really should. The swaybots are annoying, but that’s not new. Fucking awesome.

Idol finale returns with Kris and Adam. RyRy goes to Simon and tells Simon to give advice. Simon is not snarky at all. A rare moment. The dude comes out with the results. Almost 100 million votes cast. Dim the lights, here we go. And the winner is… KRIS ALLEN!!!!!!!!

The dark horse actually won the thing? Holy shit!

Off the radar for most of the series, Kris Allen just won American Idol.

He looks stunned and flabbergasted. He can barely form a sentence. Adam looks genuinely happy for Kris.

Wow.

Too bad Kris has to sing that bullshit song again. Poor guy. I forgive the pitchiness and everything right now.

It was an interesting season of Idol, too be sure. And I’ll be back in January to do it all again. Because Idol and I will never break up despite the hell it puts me through.

I hate it. This would have eliminated Jordin Sparks and David Cook in previous seasons.

But I digress.

And truth be told, six of the eight gave far better performances tonight than in their previous tries. Jessie sang Chaka’s ” Tell Me Something Good” with soul and spunk, Matt Giraud nailed the Jackson 5’s ” Who’s Loving You”, Megan Corkrey shone on ” Black Horse And The Cherry Tree”, Jasmine dazzled with Christina Aguilera’s ” Reflection”, Ricky was all funky with stevie wonder’s ” Superstition”, and Anoop was on fire with ” My Perogative”. Only Von Smith’s ” Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word” and Tatianna’s ” Saving All my Love For You” fell flat, and when eliminated again, Tatianna went drama queen histonic again. But the judges, in their wisdom, went with four people- Megan, Jasmine, Matt, and Anoop( I told you they wanted Anoop that badly. For all the producer’s pimping of Adam, Danny, and Lil, the judges seem to prefer Anoop.)

So we begin again next week, and who shall win is really up in the air. Last year, David Cook was barely on the radar, having dazzled with ” Billie Jean”, but still under the massive shadow of Archie. Lil appears to be the producer’s pick, but there are some interesting personalities in the mix.

Short but sweet from me- heinous version of Jason Mraz’s great ” I’m Yours”., Alexis Grace yay, Michael Sarver WTF is up with that, And Shriekianna gets her asshanded to her. Yes, Danny Gokey’s is still there to pimp the dead wife, but still better than that horrific egomaniacal with and her entitlement issues.

First, RyRy’s introduction of Paula Abdul gave me an enormous sigh of relief- thank God there is only one Paula Abdul. Second, the new (old) format still doesn’t sit right with me, as it doesn’t allow for growth. Third, I want whatever Paula’s taking.

Yes, it’s that time again, time to dash the hopes of all mediocre singers and pimp even worse singers. Idol is back in force, and they didn’t disappoint.

First up, Jackie Tohn, who has a natural rasp that many previous girl rockers have tried to fake. But she wastes it on an Elvis track , ” A Little Less Conversation”, matched only by her Minnie Mouse as a prostitute outfit ( seriously, girl, that was heinous). It wasn’t pretty, but it would not end up being the worst of the night. Randy wasn’t blown away, Kara liked how she worked the stage, Paula said something incomprehensible, and Simon called it ungainly and gimmicky. First shot, Simon, bet it felt good.

Ricky Braddy was next. Does anyone remember seeing him ever in the audition rounds? I don’t. And that’s a shame, because he was a surprise, nailing Leon Russell’s difficult ” A Song For You”. He seems pleasant, kind of Archuleta bland, but considering some of the people who got through to the top 36, I might have to fight for the guy. Randy complimented Ricky’s great tone, Kara called it effortless, Paula said… something, and Simon said he had a good voice but lacked charisma ( legit critique).

Alexis Grace is one of my favorite girls, ans going with ” I Never Loved A Man The Way I Love You” was gutsy ( it’s not an Aretha song that has been over done on the show). I thought she did a credible job on it. Randy was loving it, Kara dug it, Paula drank some tequila, and Simon said the magic words- Kelly Clarkson.

Brent Keith is one of those ringer types, having appeared on Nashville Star a few years back. His version of ” Hicktown” was harmless but unmemorable. Randy said new edge with old swagger, Kara called it safe, Paula took some Quaaludes, and Simon called it forgettable.

Oh, and a note to all contestants- SHUT THE FUCK UP! TAKE YOUR CRITICISM LIKE A GROWN UP AND QUIT MAKING EXCUSES. I’m done.

Stevie Wright crashed and burned fiercely, as her version of Taylor Swift’s ” You Belong With Me” made me want to see Taylor Swift sing it live. But along comes ANOOOOOOOP! Anoop Doggy Dogg in da HOWIZ! Granted, his song choice was insanely weird ( ” Angel Of Mine” by Monica, a song I have never liked). But he sang it well, and he’s still my early fave. Randy said he was sharp ( true), Kara said he had great potential, Paula muttered something about Brian McKnight, and Simon said Anoop was tremendously likeable.

Casey Carlson took a risk with ” every Little Thing She Does Is Magic”, but the judges are right- don’t take on a song sung by Sting, you are asking to have your ass handed to you. And hers was. It was terrible, matched by those facial ticks and the neck touching thing.

Michael Sarver, pleasant enough guy with cute kids, did the perennial ” I Don’t Want To Be” by Gavin DeGraw. Pitchy,lacking in the soul and range Gavin DeGraw brings to the song ( or the grit of Bo Bice, who nailed that song back in season four). He is also bland.

Anne Marie Boskovich took on ” Natural Woman” (everyone all together- Kelly Clarkson, Season One, stupid move, Anne Marie). She lacks the vocal depth to sing the song, and I never believed her. Simon’s critique was the only one spot on- the song was simply to big for her voice.

Stephen Fowler, who blew away everyone Hollywood week with a pitch perfect version of Stevie Wonder’s ” Superwoman”, disappointed with a weird version of Michael Jackson’s ” Rock With You”. The judges called him on song choice, with Simon going as far as calling it pointless.

Last was the real ” pimp star”, Danny Gokey, who really is a good singer, but whom I’m not liking as he seems to be exploiting personal tragedy for personal gain. His rendition of ” Hero” was pretty rote, as were the judges comments ( “blazing hot”, ” incredible”, “stellar”). Simon was at least restrained in his praise. Was I the only one who thought Danny sounded constipated?

Over all, it was okay. Bur the three who should stay are Anoop, Alexis, and Ricky. My gut’s telling me though it’ll be Danny, Tatianna, and Anoop. If that’s the case, kill me now. And we haven’t gotten to Norman Gentle yet.