Walk of Faith

Twenty years ago a meeting occurred with a Justice of the Peace to discuss the details of my marriage. Today I am meeting with a Judge to discuss the details of my divorce. In my endeavor to always move forward I try hard not to look back. It is nearly impossible to do though. This post is to document my thoughts and feelings today. If I ever I want to look back, it will be here.

One of my favorite aspects of being a born again believer is that the bible is full of rules that were created to help mankind in their relationship with God. Since I didn't know who He was when I first met Him, I loved the rules. I tried to obey the rules. It was a good fit for me. However, with this decision I've made to divorce my husband, my heart and mind towards God's rules are in a terrible spin.

In the bible when people like Moses grieved for the people of Israel in their disobedience to God, they would rent their garments and fall prostrate on the ground in prayer. That vivid display of heartbreak and submission to God has always stayed with me. It has always had a powerful impact on me.

In my life, I find there is no more vulnerable position to pray to God than in the shower, naked before the Lord. I am always overwhelmed with the symbolism of washing the outer surface and usually end up praying to cleanse the inner self as well.

Last night, as I stood there in prayer, crying, I couldn't ask God for what I needed. I wanted to ask Him to help me get through tomorrow. I wanted to confess how weak I was and in need of His strength but His rules were in my mind. God hates divorce. How could I ask him to help me do something He hates?

I felt even more weak in that moment. I thought about God in the Garden of Eden before sin entered the world. I thought about the God of love. I remembered that above all things, God loves me. Yes, first and foremost, God loves me. In that moment, I raised my hands up to Abba Father and simply said I love you Lord, I need you. Forgive me.

I know that He is with me through everything. I know He will never forsake me. I know He loves me and will still love me after I am divorced. I have no idea how I am going to continue being a Sunday School teacher after this. How can I teach God's Word when I have broken his rules. Yet as I write this, I am reminded that none are without spot. I don't have the answers right now but I trust He will show me.