03/20/2017

In a last-minute revision of the American Health Care Act, aka Trumpcare, Republican legislators removed a clause that (after the deductible) would have covered the cost of exorcism, patent medicines, and bloodletting. As Speaker Ryan stated, “Consumers will still have access to such traditional remedies as Christianity based faith healing, and a wide variety of snake bite elixers, and leeches, but the AHCA isn't gonna pay for them.”

01/19/2017

Over the next 100 days, as we slog through the first leg of Donald Trump's term in office, I'll be keeping a sharp eye out for Trump or anyone in his administration doing any of the things I imagined in my book Talk to the Hair: A Look Back at the First 100 Days of the Trump Presidency, written a year ago, back in that rosy time when the idea of his actually getting elected was a wacky, farfetched notion. Hy-larious, believe you me...

Whenever one of my "predictions" pops up in reality, I'll note it and mark which of the first 100 Days I'd pegged it to.

Heck, even in the weeks between his election and his inauguration, three of my "forecasts" came (or came close to coming) true: The Donald proposed replacing Air Force One with Trump Air (Day 9 in my book); Supplemented his Secret Service detail with "private security" (Day 29 in my imagined timeline); and some people in Hawaii, however facetiously, have suggested that their state secede from the U.S. and appoint Barack Obama President for Life (Day 67, although I had them offering him the title of "Big Kahuna for Life").

What'll happen next? Wouldn't you like to know. Buy my book and you can play along at home, at work or from your favorite panic room or fallout shelter! Fun for the whole family, I tells ya.

Available on Amazon.com (or Barnes & Noble online, if you swing that way).

01/15/2017

DETROIT (AFA NewsWire) In response to President-elect Donald Trump's criticism of Chevrolet making cars in Mexico for the American market, General Motors Corporation today released the following statement:

Starting in January 2017, Chevy Cruze hatchbacks produced at our factory in Ramos, Mexico and sold in the United States will be rebranded as the Chevy "Cruz".

The sedan model, manufactured in Lordstown, Ohio, will retain the Chevy "Cruze" badge. Both will continue to be made with shared components and built to the same specifications and standards. Trim options and pricing will be not be effected.

It is General Motors' belief that by labeling these vehicles' geographic origin, consumers can now purchase a fine Chevy product not only for its quality and styling but also as a unique opportunity to proudly display their political positions on NAFTA, trade protectionism versus globalization, and immigration issues in general.

Chevy Cruze? Or Chevy Cruz? It's up to you, America. Either way, we get your money.

01/09/2017

NEW YORK (AFA NewsWire) Via Twitter, President-elect Donald J. Trump announced his intention to appoint the late Fred Phelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist Church, as U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican.

Reactions to the tweet were mixed, ranging from mild surprise, given Trump's penchant for choosing people openly hostile to their intended positions and Westboro Baptist's animosity toward Catholicism, to shock and outrage because Mr. Phelps has been dead since 2014.

Asked if Mr. Trump knew that Phelps was deceased and, if so, understood the sort of message his posting would send to the Vatican and to the world, Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway responded, "Is the Pope Catholic?"

12/17/2016

BETHLEHEM, PA (AFA NewsWire) Intended to kick off a new tradition, the First Annual War on Christmas Reenactment instead unraveled into fistfights and finally what local authorities are calling a riot.

The trouble began when attendees in wise men costumes confronted a group of wassailers dressed in Victorian-era winter outfits wishing passersby a "Happy Christmas" and "Tidings of Great Joy," rather than a "Merry Christmas."

The carolers responded that they were speaking in the proper seasonal manner as set forth by Charles Dickens.

The wise men, later identified as "Nativityists" -- who deem manger scenes the only acceptable Christmas display -- accused the singers of spreading secular humanist propaganda and knocked off their top-hats. The ensuing scuffle escalated and soon staff-swinging shepherds were going mano-a-mano with elves wielding giant candy canes as Santas traded punches with crèche cosplayers. One participant, dressed as Ralphie from the movie "A Christmas Story," nearly lost an eye to a fruitcake flung by a Bill O'Reilly impersonator.

Gleefully observing the action from their court-mandated distance of 300 feet, Westboro Baptist Church members held up signs reading, "God Hates Figgy Pudding" and "Your Chestnuts Will Roast in Hell".

The melee lasted nearly half-an-hour before police arrived.

"I don't know how to tell my kids I arrested Santa today," sighed Clement Morse, of the Bethlehem Sheriff's Office, "Much less seven of them... and having tased the Virgin Mary will not go over well at Mass tomorrow."

Fifty seven people were arrested for disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace and held overnight. A rented camel, some sheep, and three French hens are still unaccounted for and being sought by Lehigh Valley animal control.

"We may have won the War on Christmas," said event co-chair Peter Burnham, "But a gingerbread house divided cannot stand. Clearly, we need more time to heal."

12/09/2016

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) President-elect Donald J. Trump was rushed to the St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital emergency room in Manhattan yesterday evening after jabbing a fork into his tongue, effectively splitting it in half.

Mr. Trump's Secret Service detail escorted him from the Famiglia Pizzeria in Times Square, where he was dining with his family and, according to witnesses, had been consuming pizza, in his customary method and in defiance of local custom, with a knife and fork.

Trump's Secret Service detail declined to answer any questions or provide further information, although sources at the hospital confirm that the president-elect's tongue had been cleaved about three-quarters of an inch "Right down the middle".

The incident reveals that Mr. Trump uses voice recognition software when tweeting, as evidenced by a tweet he sent from his hospital room:

12/06/2016

On the First day of Trumpness the Donald sent to meA Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Second day of Trumpness the Donald sent to meTwo Ex Wivesand a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Third day of Trumpness the Donald sent to meThree Trade WarsTwo Ex Wivesand a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Fourth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to meFour Hellish YearsThree Trade WarsTwo Ex Wivesand a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Fifth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to meGold EverythingFour Hellish YearsThree Trade WarsTwo Ex Wivesand a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Sixth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to meSix BankruptciesGold EverythingFour Hellish YearsThree Trade WarsTwo Ex Wivesand a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Seventh day of Trumpness the Donald sent to meSeven Gropers GropingSix BankruptciesGold EverythingFour Hellish YearsThree Trade WarsTwo Ex Wivesand a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Eighth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to meEight Conflicts of InterestSeven Gropers GropingSix BankruptciesGold EverythingFour Hellish YearsThree Trade WarsTwo Ex Wivesand a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Ninth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to meNine Bald-Faced LiesEight Conflicts of InterestSeven Gropers GropingSix BankruptciesGold EverythingFour Hellish YearsThree Trade WarsTwo Ex Wivesand a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Tenth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to meTen Stubby FingersNine Bald-Faced LiesEight Conflicts of InterestSeven Gropers GropingSix BankruptciesGold EverythingFour Hellish YearsThree Trade WarsTwo Ex Wivesand a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Eleventh day of Trumpness the Donald sent to meEleven Russian HackersTen Stubby FingersNine Bald-Faced LiesEight Conflicts of InterestSeven Gropers GropingSix BankruptciesGold EverythingFour Hellish YearsThree Trade WarsTwo Ex Wivesand a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Twelfth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to meTwelve Angry TweetsEleven Russian HackersTen Stubby FingersNine Bald-Faced LiesEight Conflicts of InterestSeven Gropers GropingSix BankruptciesGold EverythingFour Hellish YearsThree Trade WarsTwo Ex Wivesand a Good Brain with all the Best Words

11/26/2016

Seriously, I was kidding but, apparently, 62 million of you weren't. So, now that it's not fiction anymore, buy yourself and all your friends, neighbors and countrymen a copy of Talk to the Hair, if not to see what else I might have got right about Donald Trump's first 100 days as president of these United States, then as a compass to guide you through the roller coaster ride we're in for starting January 20th, 2017.

TRUMPThat scoreboard was rigged; the whole league is rigged. If we lose -- and I'm telling you we didn't -- it wasn't a fair game. No way.

REPORTERThere were a lot of fumbles by your team and the other side played well, making some seventeen interceptions...

TRUMPYou see, right there! They only had the ball because they stole it from us! And the referees did nothing about it.

REPORTERAre you accusing the officials of rigging the game against you?

TRUMPMany people are saying that, I don't know...

REPORTERYour coaching staff often complains about your managerial interference, saying you insist they use nonsensical and risky plays ...

TRUMPWrong.

REPORTER... and keeping in players who should probably have been on the disabled list, benched or traded...

TRUMPI don't know where this is coming from. Where did you get this?

REPORTER... and more than one of them has said you personally are to blame for this season's poor record.

TRUMPLame excuses from lousy coaches. They should be embarrassed. I put together a winning team and they can't make it work. Sad.

REPORTERPlayers have said your rambling half-time locker-room talks, rather than inspiring them to rally, instead confuse, depress and even frighten them, and that your bizarre plays put them at tremendous physical risk...

TRUMPOverpaid crybabies who can't take it -- they can't even dish it out, 'Ooh, I got a concussion and wanna go home,' Most of these guys come from the shittiest neighborhoods in the shittiest little towns, where they've been shot several times before they're 12. I pull them out of there, probably saving their lives and now they're whining about ligament tears, skull fractures and neurodegenerative disorders. Pathetic.

REPORTERDidn't you just claim to have "All the best players and coaches?"

TRUMPI never said that.

REPORTERDo you have any comment about the multiple pending lawsuits from New Jersey Generals' cheerleaders about your alleged sexual harassment of them on and off the field?

JAYTEKAYEnterprise. Surrender him to us. Or. Be destroyed. You have one. Earth. Hour.

PICARDMr. Data, analysis.

DATAJaytekay appears to be Kelvan and our bio-sensor readings show that each of the crew is of a different race: Orion, Triskelion, Scolsian and several others...

RIKERIs that a Gorn?

DATA... although from different planets, all of the life forms on the ship are roughly the same age, born within a three-year period. They also share a common string of human DNA.

PICARDCounselor Troi, what are you sensing?

COUNSELOR TROIThey are united by fierce emotions and a strong bond; they seek answers and closure.

PICARDClosure? Of what?

COUNSELOR TROIThat's not clear, sir; not even to them.

DATAHistorical records show the Federation encountered their home planets some 50 years ago. Allowing for differing gestation periods, I would surmise that they were conceived in the order of first contact along an outward trajectory from Earth through their system... and...

PICARDYes, Mr. Data?

DATAThe Federation starship that made first contact with all of these planets was the Enterprise.

PICARDWhy am I not surprised?

DATAThe human DNA these beings share appears to be from a single Earth human...

PICARDOh, dear...

DATA... It is the DNA of Captain James T. Kirk, commander of that Enterprise.

"There shall be no sexual or romantic involvements of any sort during First Contact between contacting team and contactees and no such activity will be sanctioned until negotiations regarding admission to the Federation -- contingent upon outcome -- have been concluded."

RIKERAh, yes, the Kirk Rider.

WESLEY CRUSHERThe pink one's kind of cute.

PICARDWesley!

WESLEY CRUSHERSorry, sir.

RIKERWhat should we do?

DATAIf previous encounters with Kirk-Alien spawn are any indication, these creatures are capable of chewing scenery at an alarming rate; if we beam them aboard we may not be able to contain them.

RIKERLast time we were in dry dock for weeks...

PICARDOptions?

WORFPhoton torpedos ready to fire...

PICARDNot just yet, Mr. Worf.

DATAWe could reinforce a holodeck by surrounding it with a forcefield; any damage would be confined there and effect only computer-generated matter.

PICARDGood thinking, Mr. Data, make it so. Invite the visiting crew to beam over and send them directly to Holodeck 3. Computer, prepare Program Kirk/Birds and Bees/Paternity Explanation/Federation Apology/Child Support Back-Payment Offer.

RIKERWesley's right; that pink babe is kind of hot.

PICARDNumber One, why don't you just remain on the bridge for this one...

08/14/2016

NEW YORK (AFA NewsWire) Citing their father's presidential campaign as Exhibit A, the grown children of Donald J. Trump have filed suit in New York State Supreme Court to have him forcibly barred from further involvement in the family business and, so far as possible, the family.

The brief presented by Donald Jr. and Eric Trump calls for removing the senior Trump from ". . . any position(s) of responsibility in all companies, corporations, partnerships or entities bearing the name "Trump". Daughters Ivanka and Tiffany are listed as Amici Curiae on behalf of the plaintiffs; son Barron is still a minor and not involved in the suit.

The real estate mogul spent the month after his humiliating presidential campaign loss refusing to concede defeat, calling for armed insurrection and threatening to sue the Electoral College and everyone who'd ever graduated from it. Since President Clinton's inauguration, he has been wandering through Central Park in his bathrobe, wearing Kleenex boxes for shoes and shouting at birds.

The brothers Trump are so confident about their chances in court they are presenting their case without an attorney, relying instead on forms downloaded from LegalZoom.com.

"If Dad was in his right mind," said Donald Jr., "I think he'd be proud of us about this, I mean, it's nothing personal, just business," adding after a moment's reflection, "Okay, maybe a little personal."