Tag Archives: midterms

Listen up, liberal assholes. You’re not excited to vote in the midterms this year? Go fuck yourself. Look at this video that David Plouffe e-mailed out: he has a bunch of maps behind him. You want to doubt him? Look at these fucking maps. He knows what he’s talking about. Do you know how hard he worked on those maps? Your friend Barack Obama is going to lose his majorities unless you give him some money and then get off the Internet and go yell at some people to vote. Read more on David Plouffe Going To Tell It To You Straight: You Make Democrats Lose…

Evan Bayh wants everyone to know that Democrats are going to lose a lot of seats in the midterms this year. “I think it’s of comparable magnitude,” he said, referring to party losses in 1980 and 1994. One of those seats the Democrats will lose is Bayh’s, because he likes to drop out of elections he is afraid of losing, so he’s not running this year. So should all Democrats drop out and just hand the Republicans their seats like Evan Bayh? Yes, of course. Good politics, that. Read more on Scared-of-Elections Guy Evan Bayh Says Democrats Will Lose Election…

The latest Gallup poll is out and it is … not very good, if you like the Democratic Party in charge of the nation’s legislature! On the “generic ballot,” Republicans are now 10 points ahead of Democrats. To find a polling gap that large, you’d have to go back to … oh, never. There’s never been one that big. But don’t worry: your Internet boyfriend Nate Silver, now working for the elitist New York Times, says that in all likelihood it’s just a statistical blip, and really the Democrats are only like five points behind. Read more on Generic Democrats Heading For Generic Doom…
Read more on Generic Democrats Heading For Generic Doom…

Democrats DO NOT want to lose their majorities in Congress this November. But the economy sucks, so by the laws of physics, voters will not vote for the party in power. Does this mean Democrats should just give up and actually work on passing things they really believe in? NO. Does it mean they should slyly try to blame the economy on other things to distract the voters? YES YES YES. So what’s the deal with Red China, folks? Why have they ruined our entire economy forever? Read more on Democrats To Blame Those Rotten Chinese For Economy This Fall…

OH MY GOD WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE IF REPUBLICANS DO NOT KILL ALL OF THESE DEMOCRAT SPACE MONSTERS BEFORE THEIR MOTHERSHIP COMES! Yes, like the Democratic Governors Association, the RGA has come up with a movie trailer for this election to rile up their base. And it actually has much higher production value than the Democrats’ movie-thing? And it’s hosted on Vimeo? Oh no, they must have captured a librul and whipped him until he made them this video! Read more on Republican Governors Make a Movie Trailer Thing Too…

Oh, here is your modern-day Edmund Burke, revealing what she thinks the GOP’s political philosophy should be when they win a Congressional majority in the midterm elections: “I think that all we should do is issue subpoenas and have one hearing after another. And expose all the nonsense that is gone [sic] on. And it’s very important when we come back that we have constitutional conservative leadership because the American people’s patience is about this big. So we have to make sure that we do what the people want us to do.” Yes, Michele Bachmann, this is what we want you to do. No more passin’ laws and such. Read more on Bachmann Says Republicans Will Do Nothing But Issue Subpoenas If They Become Majority…

It will of course be physically impossible for the Democratic Party to keep control of the House and Senate after the upcoming midterm elections. This is because, after sneakily running as the more conservative of the two major American political parties in 2008, they immediately launched a full-on Marxist agenda upon taking office, by regulating the extremely unpopular private health insurance industry, and making changes to the regulatory apparatus governing the financial services industry that destroyed the world economy a few months back. And now every last American voter is just itchin’ to put Nancy Pelosi out of a job and make “lowering taxes” the only thing it would be legal for the House of Representatives to do and WHOAH HEY WHAT’S THIS? “Democrats this week have jumped into a 6-percentage-point generic-ballot edge for November’s election, according to a new Gallup poll.” Read more on Shocker: Democrats Pass Popular Law, May Win Election…

More proof that Wonkette readers are the best and most attractive readers on the whole Internets! A casual mention that we aren’t up on any of the hilarious goings-on in today’s Georgia primary immediately gets us a tip from hero commenter TJBeck that we should take a good, hard look at one “Jody Hice.” Just going to his website rewards the reader with the awesomely composited hunk of Flash animation above, with the candidate and the swooping eagle and the real corporeal flag and the ghostly spirit flag behind it, all emerging from sort of dimensional portal, all set to dramatic orchestral music. But are there YouTube videos, you’re probably asking? With CGI’d words swooping around nauseatingly? Oh, yes, there are YouTube videos. Read more on Emergency Wonkette Endorsement: ‘Jody Hice’ For Whatever He’s Running For…

With handsome devil Carte Goodwin scheduled to be sworn in as Robert Byrd’s seat-warming replacement sometime today, Democrats (plus the reliable communist ladies from Maine) should be able to break the Republican filibuster and get that lucrative government money flowing to the unemployed again, huzzah! Plus they plan to spend the whole midterm campaigning telling the millions of jobless that John Boehner personally kept their checks in his office so that they couldn’t be mailed out. Read more on Hillbillies To Rescue America’s Unemployed…
Read more on Hillbillies To Rescue America’s Unemployed…

Fundraising fever: everybody’s CATCHING IT! People are giving Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee — none of whom hold elected office of any kind or have any power or influence — hundreds of thousands of dollars. These people are already pretty well off, too! Naturally, John Boehner, a real live elected official who holds an actual leadership position in the Republican Party, feels that he deserves a cut of this sweet action. Too bad for him that he’s a loser that nobody likes. That’s why he had to collect a six-digit sum from a group of people “affiliated” with a Florida retirement community, plus confused old ex-Cabinet secretaries like John Snow. Read more on Unpopular John Boehner Scams Money From Old People…

Ha ha, remember when Robert Gibbs said that the Democrats would probably lose control of Congress, if they didn’t shape up? Well, it appears that this news eventually filtered back to the Democrats who still (for the moment) run the House, particularly one Nancy Pelosi, and she and they are pissed and will cut a dry, pudgy Southern motherfucker. Read more on Nancy Pelosi Will Kill The Crap Out Of Robert Gibbs, As Soon As She Figures Out Who He Is…

Are you closely following “election news” even though the midterm elections are four months away, and also it is the middle of summer? Then you’re probably a) Newt Gingrich or b) a liberal who follows the politics Too Much. And you do not love Barack Obama. A new study proves that 36% of people who took a poll last week “say they have no confidence or only some confidence in the president, congressional Democrats and congressional Republicans.” Only 50% of those polled now say they support President Obama, which is less than half of the 22% who approved of George W. Bush in 2008. Read more on Everybody Following Politics In Mid-July Hates Nobama…
Read more on Everybody Following Politics In Mid-July Hates Nobama…

Republicans who were hoping to make votes in favor of health care a defining line of attack in the midterm elections are finding that votes in favor of TARP are proving much more effective — which is unfortunate for them, because many of them voted for it. Still, it’s a healthy sign when citizens question even the consensus legislation that emerges from the political elite, right? “People would walk by my booth and say ‘TARP, TARP, TARP, TARP!’ But when you tried to talk to them about it, they did not know any of the details. They confused TARP and the stimulus plan. They confused TARP and the omnibus bill. They confused TARP and the president’s budget.” Uhhh. Read more on Robert Gibbs Disgusted With You, With All Of You…
Read more on Robert Gibbs Disgusted With You, With All Of You…

It is an Immutable Politics Law that the President’s party loses seats in the midterms! The only exceptions are if the country is fighting or about to fight a new, exciting war (2002) or if the Congress is attempting to impeach him for sex crimes (1998). This year there is also an unpleasant Recession thingie going on, and the recently passed health care reform hasn’t yet made the transition from “scary thing I don’t understand” to “entitlement that I view as sacred while I whine about ‘welfare queens.'” This means that the Democrats are going to do not so well in November, probably! There’s only one way they can hold on to their hard-won control of Congress: by pointing out, ever so subtly, that their opponents are mostly amoral assholes who say and do embarrassing things. Read more on Democratic Midterm Strategy: Our Opponents Are Scumbags, Just Sayin’…

Joe Biden is in Iraq, and he is pretty sure that, once the U.S.’s “combat mission” ends (some might say this mission will be “accomplished”) on August 31st, people will acknowledge it as a victory for America, and for the Obama administration. Joe Biden also said that the midterms will not be a “debacle” for the Democrats, that what’s-his-name will beat Rand Paul, and that Harry Reid has a 55 percent chance of beating some lunatic who wants to shut down Social Security and kill Harry Reid with a gun. Then Biden started rambling on about the Easter Rising in Ireland, which we guess means that Democratic candidates will all be killed after briefly seizing control of the main Washington post office, only to finally get their own country five years later, after a nasty civil war. Read more on Joe Biden Is Extremely Optimistic About Everything…
Read more on Joe Biden Is Extremely Optimistic About Everything…

We’ve already set aside several boxes of popcorn for one of 2010’s most anticipated comedy stories, when idiot Kentucky Sen. Jim Bunning will make a fool of himself daily in the process of losing his Senate seat. And now the hilarity might start even sooner, because Ron Paul’s child, Rand (“The Son”), might primary Bunning. Rand Paul has the exact same views as his father, so it should take about two minutes of money supply babble before Bunning gets uncomfy and calls Rand a faggot. [CNN]
Read more on Kentucky Senate Primary Could GO GALT…

Here’s former eBay CEO (and make-believe founder) Meg Whitman, the less terrible of John McCain’s two campaign CEO Henchwomen, announcing her run for California governor in 2010, on the YouTube! Ha she is so rich — she BOUGHT PRINCETON or something recently — so maybe she will win. But the choice of what appears to be a tank top — probably made of something expensive, of course… enriched uranium? — just reeks of New Money. Hey Meg, if you love the Internet so much, why don’t you go buy some sleeves. From a retail website. Yeah. (VOTE 4 GARY ‘N’ NORM “COLEMAN/COLEMAN” TICKET 2010$$) [YouTube]
Read more on Meg Whitman To Save California…

Congressman John Doolittle of California — Tom DeLay’s scumbag buddy who took a bunch of dirty money from Jack Abramoff — might be wussing out after all. Doolittle’s chief of staff denies it, but the re-election campaign is already almost broke and he nearly lost his 4th District “safe seat” in the ’06 midterms that swept away his crooked sweetheart Richard Pombo, from California’s 11th District. [TPM Muckraker, Politico, OpenSecrets]
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Senator Tim Johnson has finally been moved from the hospital to some type of private care, his office just announced.
The “rehabilitation facility” wasn’t named in order to keep GOP assassins at bay, according to his staff. The sickly senator was moved from George Washington University Hospital on Friday.
Read more on Tim Johnson Out of Hospital, Dick Cheney Weeps…

After the Mark Foley scandal, it was all but certain that even the most naive “civic minded” teenager would avoid the House and Senate page programs. Instead, becoming a page is more popular than ever before.
Read more on Teens Love Getting Schtupped by Old Congressmen…

The honorable Vern Buchanan of Florida’s honorable 13th congressional district didn’t get a real warm welcome from House Democrats, because he won under absurdly suspicious circumstances. Outgoing governor Jeb Bush certified Buchanan’s bogus 369-vote “win” — 18,000 voters mysteriously avoided choosing a new House representative. Thanks to legendary Florida secretary of state and former 13th District congresslady Kitty Harris, totally unaccountable e-voting machines were used.
Read more on Kitty’s Congressional Seat Still In Play…

Why did violent, delusional alcoholic Jim Gibbons take the oath as Nevada’s newest and craziest governor at 12:00:12 a.m. on January 1? Initial reports blamed some make-believe terror threat because Saddam Hussein supporters would certainly target some nobody in Northern Nevada to avenge the Iraqi president’s hanging.
But the real reason for the bizarre midnight ceremony in Gibbons’ Reno living room has less to do with the sociopath’s terror fantasies than his cheap mafia casino power grabs and fanatical loathing for the popular, competent and sane outgoing governor, Republican Kenny Guinn.
Learn all about the pig-eyed thug’s latest filthy schemes, after the jump.
Read more on Psychotic Nevada Guv’s Midnight Oath Scam Revealed!…