Leslie Horn

Hey all you IDIOT KIDS. Don't text during a movie. Don't do look at your phone. Don't touch it. Don't even think about it. That's just basic common fucking courtesy you halfwit assholes. But because we're horrible creatures that can't resist checking Instagram once every 15 minutes, Cinemark will reward you for leaving your phone alone during a movie. It's as if the Justice Department started giving tax breaks to people who don't commit murder.

Just download Cinemark's iPhone and Android app, turn on CineMode, and if you ignore your device for the duration of a feature-length film, you get coupons and other goodies. But what CineMode should really do is tase you if you touch your phone. God, this is sad. I think the better thing to do is just give the usher a hammer. When he sees a phone light up, he just smashes it. Cinemark saves money (except for marginal hammer costs) and moviegoers proceed uninterrupted. [Deadline]