It's only a matter of time before the Stanford Tree is apprehended following a high-speed vehicle chase, with a hatchet and a bottle of PineSol found in the back seat of its SUV. Until then, here are the facts as we know them: The NCAA on Friday sanctioned the Stanford mascot, and fined the university an undisclosed amount, for a series of incidents that included drunken cavorting at the NCAA Women's Basketball Tournament in March (just look at the accompanying photo; that is one shit-faced tree). The Tree is banned from the tournament next year, as the university mulls its future as the Stanford Band's official mascot.

The Tree (played by junior Tommy Leep), however, would not be hauled off without a departing salvo:

"I thought this was all settled back in March," Leep said Friday night. "I sort of look at the NCAA like an ex-girlfriend trying to come and take the boom box back or something."

Will Stanford dump its tree mascot? If so, what will replace it? A bush? The letter S? A squirrel? What, we ask? What?