A Sunday Drive, Texas Style with the Lady in Black

Someone told me it’s been a long time since we’ve
heard from that irascible “raving reporter”, the Lady in Black. Well, I hear
from her quite often; on a daily basis, as a matter of fact, but most times I
just try to ignore her and forget all the trouble and rude comments she brought
me years back. However, there were those, several of which have now departed
these Earthly climes, who just loved her wit and sass. I do hope that’s not
what took them.

Anyway, this race comes from 10 years ago at where
else but Texas Motor Speedway? It originally appeared on the pages of Insider
Racing News circa April 11, 2006. For those of you not familiar with the names
generally assigned by the Lady, or those with short or failing memories, the
complete race results, compliments of Racing-Reference.info can be found by clicking right about HERE. So, without further ado, here she is, The Lady in
Black. Jerry and Phil, this one’s for you!

Good
day race fans. This is your raving reporter, the Lady in Black, coming to you
today from Texas Motor Speedway where the gang from Nextbest
Cup gathered on Sunday to wage battle number 7 in the War of 2006, the Chase
for no Sponsorship. Yes, I know I told you the same thing at Martinsville, but I erred. You see, when we
got to six, I ran out of fingers on my left hand to count and I got confused.
This week I took off a shoe and by golly, this is battle #7. (Sorry about that)

Enjoying
a weather pattern almost unheard of in this war, the troops were greeted by the
second weekend in a row of sunshine, though they were blown about a bit on
Friday when a gentle little 40 mph breeze wafted across the track as they were
earning their assignments for Sunday’s battle. Later on Friday, we watched the
IROC (Intentional Racing of Clones) cars engage in a skirmish that saw our favorite
fence climber, Stewpot, come out the winner. On Saturday, it was the Busch
League Kid conquering the Busch league, which only seems fitting.

The
festivities on Sunday got under way with the singing of our National Anthem by
a group called “Little Big Town.” These young men and women, two of each,
intoned the Star Spangled Banner in a breathtakingly beautiful four-part
harmony that was at once reverent, respectful and downright awesome. Now…that’s
what I’m talking about! Thank you, Little Big Town, from the bottom of an old
lady’s heart.

In
keeping with the slogan that “Everything’s bigger in Texas,”
the Speedway
went as big as it gets when Commander in Chief George W. Bush (No relation)
gave the troops their call to arms. Then it was time to march.

When
the Boogity flag waved, it was Hurrikahne
at the point, with Yay-Yay Jelly on his right flank, but that didn’t last long
as Hurrikahne faded back into the following troops
while Mark the Munchkin made a Triple- A move on the bottom to claim the first
lap and five free pretzels. They mixed up the marching order at the front for a
few laps, but by lap 12, it was Greg Blissful that assumed the point and
marched right off into his own area code.

At lap
26, we said “adios” to Carrot Top Vickers as he left the battle in a plume of
smoke to spend the rest of the afternoon in the lounge. The leaders soon began
lapping the troops at the rear of the field, but continued the battle without
incident and began making scheduled stops at the bar around lap 56. One
soldier, the Busch League Kid, had some difficulty staying on his barstool when
the jack collapsed a piece of his skirt. (Hey, I didn’t make that up…evidently
the lad was wearing a skirt) When everyone had been served beer and Goodyears,
the marching order at the front showed Blissful leading Hurrikahne,
Munchkin, Yay-Yay Jelly and Not Easy Being Green.

Soon
after, the first unscheduled beer break of the day came when that pesky
Frenchman, Monsieur Debris was spotted in turn two, bringing out the yellow
rag. (It was only a spring rubber… or half a spring rubber to be more exact)
Most of the troops deserted the front and headed back to the bar for Miller
Time, but Hurrikahne, Jelly and Denny Ramblin’ stayed out to guard the battlefront. The One LAP
UP (One Lucky Arsed PUP) was awarded to Shrub and
when they marched back into the battle on lap 69, it was Hurrikahne
leading Jelly, Ramblin’ and Stewpot. Jelly took the
point on the next lap but ceded it back to Hurrikahne
two laps later.

At lap
83, Blissful was wounded by “friendly fire” when he took his mount high to pass
a slower soldier and was booted into the wall by Busch League. Blissful would
spend the rest of the day in the lounge (Undoubtedly plotting revenge) while
all the rest gratefully marched to the bar for a Bud break. The One LAP UP went
to the Car with the Flames. Once they’d all grabbed a cold one, the entire
fighting force was parked at the bar under the red flag of truce for about ten
minutes while the janitors made repairs to the SAFER barrier, which sustained
minor damage when Blissful smacked it.

During
that supposedly peaceful interlude, Blissful’s
girlfriend Nicole made a little trip to the war wagon of the Busch League Kid
and engaged in a heated discussion with Eva, that soldier’s fiancée. (To Whom
It May Concern, the girl’s name is Eva Bryan…not Eva Braun. She had a
boyfriend named Adolf.) Luckily, that encounter did not end in a cat fight, and
Nicole, having said her piece, retreated back from whence she came. It became
quite evident to all 200,000 spectators that Busch League had gone from snow
angel to track devil in a short 24 hours.

When
they finally resumed the charge on lap 90, it was still Hurrikahne
on the point, leading Ramblin’ and Stewpot, though
Ken Shredder was ahead of them, looking to get back in step with the troops.
The lead quickly changed on the next lap when Ramblin’
took over, but just as quickly, Stewpot asserted his claim to the point. They
were content to march in circles for a bit, but on lap 119, the doomsday flag
waved over the Blue Deuce and Busch League was invited into the bar to fix what
was thought to be a fender rub. Soon after, the lad logged some time in the
lounge while his pit bulls repaired a damaged radiator. One wonders if Blissful
bought him a drink.

Beer
breaks under the green flag commenced at about lap 144 and brought about
immediate problems. The pit bulls for Can’t Cope let a Goodyear roll away from
the bar and when it nestled in the infield grass, the yellow rag waved, giving
the rest of the troops an opportunity for a leisurely Coors Light. That left
early drinkers like Jeffy’s Mini-me and Rubby Gordon out of step with the rest. The One LAP UP
award went to Not Easy Being Green and they restarted on lap 151 with Ramblin’ leading Prince Edwards of Roush, Kevin Havoc, Mutt
Kenseth and Stewpot.

That
skirmish didn’t last very long, as on lap 160, that old Frenchman was spotted
lurking on the track again, this time in turn four, and the yellow waved for
the fourth time. Someone really should alert the Generals in the tower that
spring rubbers are just that…rubber! They don’t do any more damage than gloves,
roll-bar padding, drink bottles or some of the other creative things we’ve seen
decorating the battlefield recently.

Despite
having just left the bar, the troops at the front of the battle marched back in
for a quick beer, but some only stayed long enough for two Goodyears. The One
LAP UP went to Rapid Robby and when they went back into battle at lap 165, it
was Prince Edwards leading Shrub, Mutt, Munchkin, Ramblin’
and Havoc. There were only 22 on the lead lap.

The
troops marched along peacefully until lap 190, when Yay-Yay Jelly spun
unassisted into the SAFER barrier and took his dead battery to the lounge for
repairs. Of course, that meant it was Miller Time again and everyone marched
through the swinging doors for beer and tires. Shrub was called back to the bar
a second time when the General said his skirt was dragging on his right rear.
Dang…I hate when that happens! (Just how many of these guys where skirts,
anyway?) The One LAP UP was awarded to Dale Swear-it and when the battle
resumed at lap 196, it was Ramblin’ leading Mutt,
Prince Edwards, Havoc and Stewpot.

That
only lasted for a few laps, when on lap 202 Flyin’
Ryan made an Alltel call to the wall with perhaps a tad of assistance from Sterling’s septic tank.
Now, I’m not arguing as to whether Sterling
might have touched the lad, but that comment about the hairpiece falling over
his eyes was just plain mean. (Funny though) Some of the boys in the back took
advantage of the opportunity for a cold Bud, but the leaders stayed on the
track. The One LAP UP was Cow Patty.

Right
at the restart on lap 206 there were positions changing up front. Mutt took it
from Ramblin’, who promptly bumped Matt to say “thank
you” and Prince Edwards passed them both and took it for himself. While the
leaders continued in lockstep, thing were getting worse for the Car with the
Flames. On lap 224, he had to visit the bar with a flat left rear Goodyear,
putting him two laps out of step with the soldiers at the battlefront.

Lap 251
would give everyone another chance for a beer break when Cow Patty’s Schwan
flew off in a huge plume of smoke. He retired to the lounge for the duration
and the One LAP UP winner was Mini-me. They returned to the fray on lap 255
with Hurrikahne ahead of Ramblin’,
Prince Edwards, Stewpot, Mutt and OJ. (The Other Junior) As usual, the battle
on the restart was a heated one and within a couple of laps, Prince Edwards
lost when his Office spun into the Car with the Flames and then went hard into
the inside wall. He too would spend the rest of the day in the comfort of the
lounge and Stewpot, who narrowly missed the other Depot car, would need a
change of shorts directly after the battle. The One LAP UP went to Ken Shredder
and they were back at it by lap 263.

Stewpot
went around Hurrikahne and Ramblin’
to take the lead at the restart and they held that formation for quite a while.
With only 47 laps remaining in the battle, Candy Man took his chocolate factory
to the lounge without an engine. At the front of the battle, the point was
swapped between Hurrikahne and Stewpot several times,
with Hurrikahne coming out ahead in the end. Then,
just when you’d think it was safe to go back into the water, Monsieur Debris
was spotted once again lurking in turn two. (No idea…it was one of those
unexplained mysteries) That was a real break…Bud break that is…for everyone but
Rapid Robby, who had just left the bar.

Dale
Swear-it once again claimed the One LAP UP, Ready Sorenson was demoted to the
rear of the marching order for leaving his barstool too quickly and they
restarted on lap 318 with Hurrikahne leading Stewpot,
Mutt, Clint Bow-Wow and Ramblin’, all of whom were
behind Rapid Robby.

All day
long, it had seemed that Hurrikahne had to play
catch-up after every restart, but this time, when it really counted, no one
came close to passing him. They mixed it up among themselves behind him, but
that big red Dodge quickly opened up a three-second lead. When the checkers
waved, signifying the end of the battle for the week, it was Hurrikahne claiming the checkered flag, followed by Mutt,
Stewpot, Ramblin’, Havoc, Sir
Jeffery of Childress, Scoot Riggs, OJ, Munchkin and Bounty Hunter. Somewhere
behind those soldiers, Shrub made contact with Clint Bow-Wow, leaving the
inside wall awash in Jack Daniels. (Janitors had to love that)

Hurrikahne spun some doughnuts in Bruton’s
landscaping and then did a long, straight, smoky burnout on the front stretch,
to the delight of the fans in the stands. Upon arriving in Victory Lane, he climbed atop the door of
his Dodge and raised both arms in victory. He then descended to a waiting Steve
Byrnes (Welcome back Steve) to relate how much he’d enjoyed the battle with
Stewpot and to thank every sponsor in the garage. There was no fence climb, no
back flip and no snow angel, but this lad is such
great eye candy that no one missed it. I know this will be a day late, but
Happy Birthday Hurrikahne!

That’s
exactly the way it was at Texas on Sunday folks. Would I lie to you?

~LIB

Gentle
readers, we have something just a bit different with which to close out today’s
article. At the end of last week, Country Music lost one of its greatest stars
and a veritable ocean of tears have been shed at the news that Merle Haggard
has passed from this Earth. I hastily added my favorite “Hag” song to last
Friday’s piece, the lovely “Silver Wings”, but today, with a bit more time and
thought, I’d like to share some of Merle’s songs that weren’t the most popular,
but to my mind were the most “Merle.”

This
one is the introductory song on Merle’s album, “For the Mama that Tried.” I
think everyone is familiar with the hit song to which that refers, “Mama
Tried.” Merle had a special place in his mind, thoughts and heart for his Mama,
and that point is made very clear in the recital part of his rendition of “The
Old Rugged Cross.”

You’ll
note that he made that dedication to his Mama on her 79th birthday.
Merle died on his 79th birthday.

This
next offering is an old Hank Williams Senior song, but giving credit where due,
Merle’s version is beautiful, sincere and heart-rending. Please enjoy next, “When
God Comes and Gathers His Jewels”

The
next song isn’t truly of a religious vein, and this one isn’t about Mama. It’s
just one of the loveliest songs he ever recorded, and I think everyone will
enjoy it. The name of the song is simply “Colorado.” Over the years, he sang
several songs about Colorado, but none better than this one, to this Mama’s
mind.

Going
back again to the “Mama” theme that permeated Merle’s life, this one decidedly
brings to the fore the thoughts of a child as he grows and matures. Yes, there
comes a day for anyone that’s been there, when one realizes his family is poor
and doesn’t meet the societal requirement to be counted among the “beautiful
people.” May all of those beautiful people rot in Hell! This is, “My
Mama’s Hungry Eyes.”

Finally,
the thing that Merle always said kept him going throughout his life and kept
him from losing that life many times over was his Mama’s penchant for prayer,
and she prayed all her life for her youngest son, Merle. This song, another
written by Merle, is simply entitled “Mama’s Prayer”

Rest in peace Hag, once more in your loving Mama’s arms.

Be well
gentle readers, and remember to keep smiling. It looks so good on you!

The thoughts and ideas expressed by this writer or any other writer on Race Fans Forever are not necessarily the views of the staff and/or management of Race Fans Forever. Race Fans Forever is not affiliated with NASCAR or any other motorsports sanctioning body in any form..