Monday, September 10, 2012

The Wizard of Flaws

THE HOSEMASTER’S™
BASICS OF WINE APPRECIATION 6

One of the most
difficult aspects of wine evaluation for a beginner to learn is wine flaws.
But, luckily, I’m the Wizard of Flaws, and, in this edition of The Basics of
Wine Appreciation, we’ll visit the hush-hush world of wine faults. Once you
come to understand wine faults, you’ll understand why that bottle of wine you
just opened smells funny, and in no way resembles the review you read in The Wine Advocate, which proclaimed it
smells of “rambutan, cat foie gras, strawberry edible panties and pus,” when
you only get “berry.” We’ll focus on the most common wine flaws, the wine
equivalents of harelips, birthmarks and basketball fever.

What is the most
common flaw found in wine?

Most people would say that the most common flaw in wine is when
it’s white. Being white is not a flaw in wine. It’s a flaw in Tea Party
Republicans. There isn’t one flaw in particular that beleaguers wine. Rather,
there are a whole host of flaws, ranging from Brettanomyces and corkiness to
stupid labels with pictures of animals and individually numbered bottles.
(Really, I have bottle #1273. Wow, get me a SuperLotto ticket, I’m hot, baby!) The list isn’t endless, not like listening to
an Andrew Lloyd Webber score or Michel Chapoutier speak, but it’s long.

How do I know if a
wine is “corked?”

Most beginners are confused about cork taint. Cork taint does not smell
like human taint. There are many wines that do smell like human taint, which is
caused by either sulfur issues or your sommelier failing to wash his hands.
Sommelier taint is distinctive for its aroma of mendacity. A wine that is
corked has been contaminated with a compound commonly referred to as TCA (which
stands for “Tainted Cork, A-Hole!”), which gives the wine an aroma reminiscent
of wet dog, though I think it smells more like porn star moustache. Don’t ask.
TCA also mutes the flavors of the wine, so it is actually preferable in orange
wines. But only natural TCA, not the synthetic TCA used by so many orange wine
producers to enhance their aromatics. There are people who think you can tell a
wine is corked if the cork breaks when you remove it from the bottle. This is
not true with corks, though it does apply to condoms. (And, oddly, pouring a
corked wine through a condom can often remove much of the cork taint, as well
as lighten the mood.) “Corked” is a very specific aroma, and not a catchall
term for a wine you just don’t happen to like. If it doesn’t smell of wet dog,
or musty basement, or your homeless uncle, it’s not corked. Just shut up and
pay for it.

What does it mean
when someone says a wine is “reduced?”

“Reduction” occurs when a wine is released at a stupidly
high price point and then ends up on a flash site for 40% off. This happens a
Lot18. The wine is then said to be “reduced.” Varieties that are prone to
reduction are, most notably, Syrah and Sauvignon Blanc. Their reduction can
often be remedied with more exposure to oxygen, best achieved by pouring them
down the drain. In extreme cases, reduced wines can smell of hydrogen sulfide,
or rotten eggs. An old trick is to drop a copper coin into a reduced wine. The
copper binds with the hydrogen sulfide resulting in a more pleasant smelling
wine. It’s often best to simply drink those rotten wines out of a Salvation
Army kettle and save yourself the penny. Many experts believe that screwcaps
facilitate reduction. Actually, they simply facilitate winos, the only people
who drink crap in screwtops.

What is Brett?

Brettanomyces Dekkera
(nicknamed “Brett,” after the Hall of Fame Kansas City Royals star George
Brett, though no one knows why, maybe because he spoiled no-hitters) is a yeast
than can grow in wine and create a whole bunch of stinky off-aromas. A little
hint of Brett in wine is often thought of as adding complexity, a lot of Brett
in wine is referred to as “Parker 98 points.” The off-aromas characteristic of
Brett problems are described variously as barnyard, mousy and Band-Aid. So a
lot like your high school prom date. Brett is symptomatic of sloppy winemaking
because it is easily avoided. Competent winemakers avoid Brett by not returning
its text messages, hiding behind the nearest planter, and wearing funny masks.
However, wearing a funny mask isn't neccessarily about avoiding Brett; many winemakers simply like to wear masks, and for the same reasons bank
robbers do.

12 comments:

Well this explains why I failed my wset exam....and had my instructor calling me vulgar. Thought TCA was something totally different and I did wonder why it was on the exam in the first place. So embarrassed. What would I do without you?!

As one who has heard (and regretted) hearing Michel Chapoutier speak, I have to hand it to you on that one, Ron! In fact, lock Chapoutier and Bob Parker together in a room and I suspect that you would recreate the Second Circle of Dante's Inferno..."the lustful blown about by violent and endless wind"!!!!!!

ONCE I went to a Chapoutier tasting with Michel and he spoke extemporaneously for 90 fucking minutes, during which we were give NO wine to taste. Only after he finished yammering, clearly enjoying in short man fashion his hold over a bunch of ignorant sommeliers, were we allowed to taste his vastly overrated wines. From then on, when invited to a tasting of Chapoutier wines, I always asked if Michel was attending. If he was going to be there, I politely declined, as in, "Are you fucking nuts?"

I was at a similar Michel Chapoutier tasting in Toronto. The wines were poured, but we were to ignore them until he stopped speaking. I lasted 18 minutes, and then I began tasting. I was reprimanded, but responded that the wines AT THAT POINT would taste similar to what people actually had at home since at home, the wines would not be subjected to 90+ minutes airing. 90+ minutes of airing does NOT equal a 90+ number grade. I stopped, the tasting continued, I decided to just smell and look at the wine, ignoring the speech. He was petrified, and would not talk to me afterwards. Who cared? At 90 minutes the wines were over the hill....Empty bottles were on the table, and I got off by fondling the Braille labels...

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After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
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