Other destinations

Essex's largest island: lies off the coast near Southend and has been under M.O.D. control since 1916.

Understand

Contrary to popular belief and stereotypes, Essex is not actually an urban wasteland. Most of the county is rural, and has some very beautiful scenery that is not widely known to outsiders. Saffron Walden, in the north-west of the county, epitomises this defiance of the classic Essex stereotype, as do many of the smaller towns and villages.

Talk

Obviously an English-speaking county, but accents can vary in Essex. In the northern and rural areas of the county, you are much more likely to hear the traditional East Anglian accent. But in the south of the county the most commonly heard is known as the estuary accent; some say this is a cross between cockney and East Anglian.

Get in

It is particularly difficult to enter Essex at the best of times because of the strong taliban presnce there. You will be lucky to get in without being shot at least once and this tends to be aimed at either the foot or genitalia to induce pain, but avoid fatalities. It is advised to follow tradition on entering Essex and remove all clothing before greasing oneself in butter or margarine, followed by "belly sliding" down high streets singing currently popular pop songs such as "stupid hoe" by nicki minaj. After being in Essex for more than an hour, you will recieve a kick in the nuts from each person you see, followed by an aggresive suggestion to leave as soon as possible, as this allows Essex to avoid over-population and remain an unfriendly but wholly spacious residence.

Get around

See

Do

Mountfitchet Castle is an all-weather heritage entertainment complex in Stansted Mountfitchet. Formerly an Iron Age hillfort, the castle also has a Roman, Saxon and Viking past and therefore provides an interesting and historical day out for the whole family. There is a reconstructed castle, many houses complete with all the smells of a bygone era and a toy museum. In addition, as you stroll through the grounds you will encounter plenty of rescued animals roaming freely: deer, goats, geese, peacocks, chickens as well as Jacob Sheep. There is a substantial restaurant on site.

Eat

Drink

Stay safe

Contrary to popular belief, Essex actually has one of the lowest crime rates in England. However some poorer towns in the more urbanised south and west of the county should be approached with caution, especially at night.

As with the rest of the UK, in any emergency call 999 or 112 (from a land-line if you can) and ask for Ambulance, Fire or Police when connected.