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Woodland Glen Wifi Shortage Causes Collapse of Civil Society As We Know It

Engineering assignments from EGR 101 and 102, which are taught in the Woodland Glen III dorm, have reportedly been postponed by one semester due to severe internet connectivity issues for all students. Students faced dropped connections during vital discussions of the meaning of “engineering,” and turned to the faculty for assistance. A Canvas update, posted by a professor in charge of the Engineering program, indicated that no solution could be identified for the WiFi issues. Professors cautioned that all assignments, many of which involve watching advertising videos of engineering departments to the tune of heavy metal or the Terminator theme song, will be due after winter break — in the hopes that students can finish them over the holidays.

Students have been complaining of the internet quality in the dorm since classes began time immemorial. Many students have described the spotty connectivity and slow speed as “like living in North Korea” and “worse than Windstream.” One student was found eerily rocking back and forth attempting, in vain, to connect to the internet through an Ethernet port in the lobby. The issue was originally brought to the attention of university officials when several students complained of being unable to stream HD video on the popular website PornHub. The organization Students for HD Pornography has reportedly contacted its legal team regarding the issue. The entity is debating suit against the institution for gross negligence of gross content.

A resident of WGIII, Hanna Tai, reports: “Conditions could not be worse right now. Johnny is drawing dicks on everything. Emily’s stealing UK Dining posters, cutting out the male students, and peeing on them. Edwin is touching everything.”

With no solution in sight, many have turned to emergency media for relief. One anonymous benefactor drew an entire stick figure porno on the 101 Classroom whiteboards, in graphic detail. Some concerned parents have been sending care packages containing questionably-titled VHS tapes, while others have withdrawn their students from the school entirely, citing an “oppressive environment.”

No response has been issued by university administration, to date. However, an anonymous source from the Time Warner Cable Corporation has gone on record detailing the issue: “Our chief supplier of employees, ITT Tech, was shut down just a few weeks ago, and now we don’t have enough techs to keep up with these kinds of issues. The students there just weren’t able to graduate on time. Something about internet connectivity and PornHub, apparently.”

We called Time Warner directly in attempt to resolve the issue. Service reps claim the PornHub connection was “blazing fast and blazing hot ;)” from their end, and that the best course of action was to “restart the router, but like you really want it this time.”