Take the introduction of former NHLer Sean Avery … please. As he bounced around the league, the smirking journeyman became known more for his boorish, off-ice antics than his NHL prowess. ABC hit a new low by actually showing Avery’s most offside blunder, a crude remark he made several years ago about one-time girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert. ABC flashed a photo of Avery and Cuthbert on the screen as they told us this pinhead once “upset a lot of people.”

That the Disney-owned network would reward this kind of behaviour with all-star exposure made me sick. I felt bad for his professional dance partner, Karina Smirnoff. Avery’s inclusion in this dance-off reminded one of ABC’s casting of Juan Pablo Galavis as the most recent Bachelor. Is the Disney network trying to sleaze its way out of the network ratings cellar?

Sadder still was the inclusion Monday night of Billy Dee Williams. At 77, with arthritis in his back and two hip operations, Williams is simply not up to competing against 17-year-olds. Still, in past years, fans have enjoyed seeing older contestants such as Cloris Leachman or Valerie Harper take a victory lap around the ballroom. ABC-Disney, however, as custodians of the Star Wars franchise, simply exploited Williams this time as a promotional opportunity. They dressed the actor up in his old Lando Calrissian costume, brought him on with two storm troopers and a squawking R2D2 and even had two furry Ewoks — complete with English subtitles — cheering in the stands. Then they made his dance partner, Emma Slater, wear Princess Leia’s old bun head hairdo. Then, just in case the force was still not with us, they made them all dance to the Star Wars theme.

There was no try left in Williams, only do-do. The network shamelessly turned one of the most elegant romantic leads of his day into a Star Wars St. Patrick’s Day float.

It was painful to watch. Williams’ immobile performance made last year’s token oldie, Bill Nye the Science Guy, look like Baryshnikov.

Then there was the new co-host, Fox Sports reporter Erin Andrews. ABC basically turfed cancer survivor Brooke Burke-Charvet and replaced her with somebody blonder. Andrews’ job is apparently to stir up as much awkward as she can in the few seconds she has with the competitors before they get their marks from the judges.

When ABC decided to punk Peta Murgatroyd by pairing her with an old boyfriend — Big Time Rush’s James Maslow — Andrews did everything but check Murgatroyd’s skimpy costume later for traces of Maslow’s DNA.

Further on in the two-hour premiere, it was revealed that two other competitors — Danica McKellar from The Wonder Years and Candice Cameron-Bure from Full House (both originally ABC shows) — both dated that dweeby kid Jeremy Miller from Alan Thicke’s horrible ’80s sitcom Growing Pains. Seems the kid dumped one of these girls for the other. How did that make you feel, pressed Andrews, going for some sort of Nobel cringe prize.

On and on it went. Everything seemed cheap and cheesy. The bandleader was different. The dance floor looked smaller. Even the camera and sound work seemed off.

The judges were the same — Carrie Ann Inaba, Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli — but we were told a guest judge a week will be added later.

There was some dance fun Monday night. The two Olympic dance competitors, Meryl Davis and Charlie White, both performed well with their partners (Maks Chmerkovskiy and Sharna Burgess). But, I mean, duh, they’re Olympic DANCE champions. This suspenseless edition will end with the two of them dancing against one another for the top prize.

Next week, there’s going to be a shocking surprise. I’m guessing it is that Darth Vader is Luke’s father. The dancers all have to dance to dances they would have eventually done anyway. Plus Billy Dee Williams gets eliminated.

More on thestar.com

We value respectful and thoughtful discussion. Readers are encouraged to flag comments that fail to meet the standards outlined in our
Community Code of Conduct.
For further information, including our legal guidelines, please see our full website
Terms and Conditions.