Cleveland Browns Throw Postseason Party, Lose Car Keys, TV Remote

During a party to celebrate the end of a tortuous regular season, the Cleveland Browns announced yesterday that in addition to losing all of their games this year, they had also lost their car keys and the TV remote.

“Just this one time I wanted to go through an entire Sunday without a loss,” lamented head coach Hue Jackson. “I thought we were better than this.”

After finishing the season 0-16, the Browns’ coaching staff said they had hoped to get the team together to watch the first round of the NFL playoffs without the fear of losing something for once, only to find their streak extended into the offseason.

Despite the setback, Jackson says he sees the lost household items not as a defeat, but as an opportunity for improvement.

“You know, I see lost car keys as an opportunity to walk instead of drive, and a lost remote as a chance to read and play board games instead of watching TV,” he said.

Just minutes into the party, sources say the Browns’ starting lineup had already lost multiple games of Scrabble and Jenga to an assortment of neighborhood kids, causing the players to lose morale and their sense of self-worth.

“I’m really proud of our players for going through all this and keeping their heads up,” added Jackson as he searched for the sunglasses he lost somewhere under his car seats. “I guess there’s always next weekend.”