It’s that season, so my posting has literally been non-existent as you can tell. So this will probably be my last and only post till the New Year, because even I succumb to this bullshit eventually… I am not a fan of Christmas in the least. To me it’s just like having another birthday, which I try my hardest to forget is even happening. To other people it means a lot more, so after looking at their puppy eyed faces enjoying all things Coca Cola inspired for the last month, I feel if nothing, I should let them have their fun.

New Year is more my bag… It’s an excuse to party like you might not party ever again. I’m honestly like a man about to go to prison. I try getting enough fun in, and by fun I mean a lot of things that good, moral people never do, to last me a very long stay in a cell. I have no idea why I do this because, every other commonly accepted excuse to party I often sleep through, unless it’s Halloween but that’s because I am a bit of a ghoul already. So here are some of my suggestions to ensure the best possible New Year’s party…

Suggestion 1: Never party in your own house, or anyone you intend to stay friends with, unless you or they are moving out the next day. This is purely for the reason that I have transplanted entire living rooms on to people’s front lawns and broken more valuable objects when on a proper “wild night” than I care to remember. I’m not destructive I just like the sound of stuff shattering.

Suggestion 2: If possible, have a recreational body of water nearby. A pool will do, but frankly a Jacuzzi is better (for obvious reasons), but when in a tight spot a bathtub will do. It is almost guaranteed people will get naked, and that shit always makes a party. This suggestion comes with a down side, as booze tends to make the stupid drown.

Suggestion 3: As a follow-up to Suggestion 2, do not hang around stupid people. They tend to ruin everything. If you are of a diminished IQ yourself, please leave this blog and never return.

Suggestion 4: Get a lay. Make sure you have a willing partner to have maximum coitus with… Either invite them there, or if they re shit company but great sex, have them on standby near to wherever your party is. It is wise to have a backup or two just in case. Preferably, this will be someone who isn’t too concerned with bringing in the year with a bang, because smashing glasses together and getting randomly kissed is more fun at 12:00. You basically want them around so eventually when everyone else has passed out, you have something to do.

Suggestion 5: This is an obvious one, but for those of you who need it. Have good mates around you. I’m not talking about your mom, you freak! I’m talking about those mates that will spur you on even when you puke for the fourth time, are lying naked in it and passing out. You want these friends around, because they will firstly, make sure you have a good time, and secondly, make sure you don’t die. If you haven’t got these types of friends, your New Year’s resolution should be to stop spending so much time with your mom and get some personality and friends.

Suggestion 6: Drink smart… Do not try to get completely blitzed. It sounds contradictory but just listen, if your only goal is to get wasted you will fuck up your fun. Your mood, company and party as a whole, should allow for it to happen naturally. If you go for drunk, you will pass out before 12:00 and look like your New Year’s Resolution should be the 12 Steps.

Suggestion 7: Do not worry about having a massive party. The number of people around you counts for naught, if they are all tossers. I’m not referring to your good mates that will stop you from killing yourself, this applies to everyone else. You want quality company, not quantity. A massive party in a nightclub will suck if it’s filled with the kind of people who watch Jersey Shore and think the people in it are “cool”. The same can be said for churches, old-age homes and bus stops. If it works out that it will only be you and your mates, plus whoever is shagging whomever, so be it.

Suggestion 8: Do everything! If an idea seems right, and there is someone willing to do it with you and no one genuinely objects, then by all means! By genuinely objecting I mean it’s not going to affect them or you for any prolonged period of time or have serious repercussions, like ending a marriage. No one should get divorced because of a New Year’s party. Break-ups of relatively new relationships are fine and to be expected though. The main benefit to this suggestion is that one of your friends will inevitably follow it, and do something you can hang over them for years to come.

Suggestion 9: Again this is an obvious one… Do not get arrested. Singing Auld Lang Syne with other idiots in the lock-up is, simply put, crap.

Suggestion 10: Resolutions. Don’t tell people what you’re New Year’s Resolutions are. If they ask, make something up. “To put it in my girlfriend’s ass.” is better than “To lose weight.” It’s a party to celebrate the fact you survived another 12 months and the start to another, lets leave being thoroughly conventional for the another time shall we?

Suggestion 11: Have a camera around. Better yet, have multiple cameras around. You will want proof of these stories later on in the year. Just be sure that the camera is in the hands of a mate that is decent enough to delete the ones with the view up your crack as you puke naked into the bushes, or of the photos of your semi-naked, soon to be ex-girlfriend standing on the toilet having a pee as opposed to sitting on the toilet like a normal human.

In closing, I hope these suggestions help you. If not, you just wasted you time reading them, you loser. I’m not good with sentimental, but here is an attempt… Thanks for reading, and any other support you gave me. I hope you carry on doing so. Have a party, and survive. See you in 2011.