PlanetFargo

Valve's Top 10 Secret Files

Here we see but one excerpt of a whole folder full of files related to ongoing expansion of the secret BatCave underneath Valve headquarters. Judging by the revised blueprints and contractor memos attached, Valve's programmers were upset at delays in installing the fireman's poles. Meanwhile, costs spiraled out of control when it came to bulletproofing Gabe Newell's flying superhero car.

Why was Half-Life 2 so delayed? You really have to look between the lines. For instance, one enraged staff e-mail from the programming department threatens, "No more engine coding until whoever took my Cheez-Its fesses up." The debacle lasted for over a week, and only escalated when the empty bag was found in the glove compartment of the flying car.

One month after that company schism, there's another all-staff mail from the company founder himself declaring a moratorium on Kilik's "cheap-ass" (his words) attack where he hits you in the legs with his stick as he's getting up in Soul Calibur 2. In reply, a scripter who will remain anonymous, angrily retorted that "you little bitches" (his words) just need to learn to block low. A flurry of messages followed, and there were accusations of "cheese" (their words) on the part of the "ring-outing bitches" (their words) in the art department. Development progress logs were not updated during this time.

In a more recent e-mail thread uncovered by the hackers, many senior members of the company expressed bitter disappointment when it was announced that Chuckles the Clown would be unable to attend the Half-Life 2 Alcatraz Event due to a bar mitzvah. Chuckles was unavailable for comment.