Thursday, January 28, 2010

Alright people, listen up. I'm back with a new amazing product. Yes, I bring you Obamoil, the penetrating lubricant that can un-stick just about anything. Really. This stuff is slicker than dog snot on wet ice. Put a little of this on a telephone pole and it'll slide right up a bumblebee's bunghole. This is the slickest, slimiest stuff ever marketed. A true breakthrough. Gas pedal sticking on your Toyota? No problem! A little Obamoil and boom! you'll need cleats to keep your foot from sliding off. Overreaching far-left agenda stuck in low approval ratings? Apply Obamoil liberally to your State of the Union address and the electorate won't even feel your slicked-up hand reaching in their pocket. 'Cuz remember people, every time you hear somebody in government say "we need to invest in..." that word "invest" means spend your money. Might as well make is as smooth and painless as possible! But we can't do this all day. You gotta order now. Tell you what, call in the next 10 minutes and I'll throw in a can of berry flavored ShamBarry Obamoil. It's edible, and it works way faster than Metamucil. You'll love it. Call now!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Is Oregon weird? There seems to be ample evidence both for and against. Gordon Durand at Zeta Woof put together this map that shows that, based on measures 66 & 67, there are vast expanses of Oregon that are largely idiot-free:

Click to enlarge. Zeta Woof offers a better .bmp version that you can steal. But if you have permission, is it still stealing?

I'm in oh-so-blue Benton County. I guess I should have done a better job of intimidating voters with my nightstick. Darned vote-by-mail!You could glance at this and think that Oregon is pretty darned red. Then you could read about this psycho who felt so strongly about animal rights that he just had to go ahead and self-immolate. I'm sure the dead mink in the fur store feel a lot better now that he's made some human flambé on the sidewalk. That's dedicated blueness, right there.

I offer you this evidence. Both sides have compelling arguments, but I need a conclusive answer. Let's settle this once and for all. Is Oregon weird?

[Obama, trying to gather his composure] "Uhh, Friends, Romans... I, uh, mean My Fellow Americans... Umm, Four scores and a few extra points ago, FDR brought forth on our incontinent a new notion, conceived in, uhh, community, and dedicated to the preparation that all men are created for equal outcomes." [Wipes sweat from brow]

[Obama, continuing] "I know that many of you were stunned by the election in Massachusetts. Let me be clear: this is change. Change is, uhh, good. But it is not the end of our big-government agenda. That election is in the past. We can't dwell on the past. We must concentrate on the now. In OreGONE, the voters there actually voted themselves a tax increase. Yes, measures 666 and 667 passed by comfortable margins. This is an affirmation of our policies."

[polite applause]

[Obama] "I've been to OreGONE once when I was on a campaign swing through bitter clinger country. It is an amazing place. You see, there's a row of mountains that runs up and down right through the state. The western side looks like Haiti, except there are hardly any minorities. They've driven away almost all viable industries, so most of the people there scrape out a living by taking the stems from their medical marijuana and weaving them into sandals that they sell to each other at hippie bazaars. The eastern side of the state looks like Afghanistan. I've been there, too, if I remember correctly. I don't recall exactly what they do there, but I think there were cattle involved somehow. In other words, these are people that are struggling. But they are willing to make the sacrifices necessary to assure the ongoing prosperity of the Ruling Class."

[applause]

[Obama] "If these people are willing to smother the grenade of outrageous spending with their own pasty white torsos, how much more should we expect the rest of the country to chip in? A lot, I say! I throw down the gauntlet tonight! I am feisty now! I am here to tell you - the lazy and the welfare recipient - that I will not back down from this fight! I will keep you lazy and on welfare, no matter what it takes!"

[enthusiastic applause]

[Obama] "We will fight in the statehouses; we will fight in the courtrooms. We will fight against Wall Street; we will fight against Main Street. We will defend our statist agenda, whatever the cost may be. We will never surrender!"

[muted applause]

[Obama] "Uhh, except to, umm, those who participate in man-caused disasters. We might surrender to some of them if they have good lawyers that we gave them."

[thunderous applause]

[Obama] "In closing, I have to cut this speech a little short. 'Cuz I have another speech I need to give, and then a round of golf. And, if, umm, you're up for re-election this year let me know. I'll try to be on vacation that week and not campaign for you, because, well, you know what I mean."

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I love when Steyn sits in for Rush. He has an awesome way with words, and his funny pseudo-euro/Canadian/New England accent works for me, especially when he's saying something uproariously funny without any trace of giggle. Today he talked about my home state's asinine tax measures on the ballot. I haven't ranted on this issue as few of my few readers are from Oregon. I wouldn't expect you cold, callous degenerates from other states to care about our plight - so I've kept mute. But today Steyn brought national attention to it. Yay!

Anyway, democrat-controlled Oregon has been on a spending and hiring binge during our economic downturn. Literally THOUSANDS of workers added to the state payrolls. You know that line that lefties like to use? "Socialism has failed everywhere else, but ONLY because they didn't have the right people in charge. We'll get it right this time. We promise!" In Oregon, it has been modified a bit: "Ya see how FUBAR things are in California? We can follow their stupid policies, maybe even take them a bit farther, but WE can get it right!" Hence the state is going down the tubes in many ways. The state wanted to increase their biennial budget by 9%. They couldn't afford it, so now they're aiming for a 6% INCREASE. All while claiming that they're facing drastic, harsh, draconian, kiddie-starving cutbacks if they don't get their dough. The legislature then passed a couple bills to RETROACTIVELY tax 2009 "higher income" individuals and also RETROACTIVELY tax S-Corporations on 2009 GROSS RECEIPTS, not profits! Yes, we're in 2010 but they're still trying to wring money out of 2009. The federal government borrows to steal money from the future, but Oregon thinks they're smarter by trying to steal from the past! So a company that had a lot of sales but little or no profits because of crappy margins, now owes TONS OF BACK TAXES! Woohoo!

The voters had a problem with that, though, and managed to get a referendum on the ballot. Seems like an easy no-brainer "NO!" would be in order, but the state and the unions (and the ever increasing number of PERS recipients) have done a decent job of convincing the electorate that "It won't affect you! You're not rich! You have nothing to fear!" so these stupid laws may just stand. The polls show it as a tossup.

Ordinarily I'd be fuming about this. Can you imagine what will happen to the average small business that suddenly has to come up with a bunch of unforeseen tax money? Think they'll be doing any hiring any time soon? It's gonna be UGLY! But I'm not upset about this at all. Because I plan on being the LAST MAN STANDING!!! When everybody goes out of business and moves to Idaho, and I'm the only person left in the entire state, my vote will be MUCH MORE MEANINGFUL. I will install myself as Emperor-for-life and declare the State of Oregon to be a Redneck Gangsta's Paradise, with guns and liberty and justice for all. And lots of cheap, foreclosed-on homes and office buildings for my like-minded friends to buy up at pennies on the dollar. I will lead us into a bright, shiny, glorious future!!!

As a heads-up, I suggest you beat the rush and start calling dibs on cool stuff and cushy imperial jobs. Let me know right away so I can factor your desires into my lack of central planning...

UPDATE: Dunno what fraction of the ballots have been counted, but so far both bills are passing with about 56%. Ugh. My state will soon look like Detroit. But with more trees.

Friday, January 22, 2010

I don't watch much TV, so I don't remember which candy company was doing that ad campaign. But you know the one I'm talking about: one person says/does something totally stupid and realizes it just a moment too late, then the magic candy bar gives that person a "do over."

If an aid helicopter were air-dropping these candies over the lib-ravaged America, I'm not sure who would throw the most vicious elbows to get some - Obama or the morons who voted for him?

UPDATE:
Seen the main "The Thrill is Gone" headline on Drudge? It links to CNN's coverage of Barry's trip to Michigan Ohio. The comments are running about 20:1 against Barry. Heh. Indeed. Faster, please.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

How may times we gotta flush before Air America finally goes down the drain? For years they've just refused to go away. But this time it looks like it's a done deal. If I had any energy, I'd do a happy dance. But I don't so I won't. Instead I'll just shift in my seat and giggle for a while.

[Rahm] "Sire, it is only one senate seat. It is not the end of Hopenchange. It may be the end of Camelot, but Hopenchange lives on. We can still buy off a few votes and get the healthcare seizure bill passed."

[Obama] "Rahm, that's easy for you to say from the solitude of your little closet office. But I'm The One who is suffering for it. Face it. We just got reamed. My rearend feels like a smallblock Chevy that's just been bored .060" over. If I can't pull a democrat to victory in Massachusetts, I mean, wow. What kind of loser have I become? This sucks."

[Axelrod] "It's because of that moonbat Pelosi." [spit] "Those SF/Berkeley type moonbats are plenty moonbatty, but they don't know crap about actually getting things done. We need a moonbat with some organizing ability in that position. Then we'll get somewhere."

[Obama] "I'm all for passing the buck and blaming others, but sooner or later it reflects on me. I gotta get out of here. Go get some air."

Obama exits. He takes a walk to the cemetery to visit the grave of Saul Alinsky.

[Obama, kneeling before the headstone of Alinsky, ululating mournfully] "Lalalalalalalala. Master, where have I erred? Lalalalalalala."

[Ghost of Alinsky] "Disciple! How dare you approach me without a suitable sacrifice! I demand a burnt offering!"

[Obama] "Oh, yeah! Sorry!" [pulls little American flag out of his pocket and lights it on fire. The ashes float downward, speckling the ground around the gravesite]

[Ghost] "Much better. Now what were you saying?"

[Obama] "Master, nothing seems to be working. It seems everthing I touch turns to crap."

[Ghost] "Duh. I might be spending eternity in a fiery prison, but I have a little bit of a clue. Tell me something I don't already know."

[Obama] "Ummm. Huh. Ummm. I thought you pretty much knew everything."

[Ghost] "Not really. That book I wrote was never meant to be a roadmap to success. I just needed the money so I threw together a few rules. You know, just taking some advantage of the social climate of the day. I knew a book about rabble rousing would get me some quick cash. You all have taken it way to seriously."

[Obama] "You mean..."

[Ghost] "Yeah, you're screwed. Heh. I always wanted to destroy the Presidency. Would've been cool if it had happened in my lifetime, but this is still pretty awesome."

[Rahm] "Sire, I suggest we tack toward the center like Clinton did. You'll regain much of your adoration."

[Obama] "Adoration from a bunch of redneck racist bitter clingers. Great. I think I can do without that. I really want the nutroots to support me like they used to. That would make me happy. Besides, how the heck are we going to socialize everything if we stop doing socialisty stuff?"

[Rahm] "OK, you got me on that one. I guess I'm out of ideas, too."

[Obama] "You fools better come up with a plan. Like, quick, dude. If we don't get it turned around, Michelle will stop being proud. You really, really don't want that."

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Research into the causes of vehicle accidents has reached some interesting conclusions. Factors such as intoxication, distractedness and driver skill certainly contribute to the likelihood of an accident, but the main factor is time spent on the road. Yes, the chances of being clobbered on the road are directly proportional to the time one spends on the road. The drunken idiot in the lift-kitted F350 is much less likely to clobber somebody who never rides in a car.

As a service to my readers, I therefore suggest that each of you buy an exotic sports car and drive it as FAST AS YOU FLAMIN' CAN, to minimize the time spent on our roadways. Get where ya gotta go, and do it as quickly as possible. Speed limits that keep you on the road for all those extra hours are just an attempt by the man to get you run over. The man doesn't want you to live long enough to collect Social Security so he keeps you on the roads. Speeds limits are stupid rules that you may now feel free to disregard.

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"You can't have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!" is another stupid rule. Feel free to disregard this one, too.

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Dear poor, pitiable, sniveleing liberals: I know it is contrary to your wussified nature, but now is the time to FIGHT! The election in MA has everything to do with Coakley sucking and nothing, I repeat, nothing to do with your toxic agenda. Do not back down now. Continue to use any means necessary to try to shove your policies down an unwilling throat. 'Cuz it's like 4th-n-goal at the 1. You'll never have another chance like this. Guys like Bayh and Webb who want to back down now will get you nothing but lost elections. Throw everything you have into a hard pivot to the far, far, left and I wink-wink-double-pinky-promise that things will go fine for you in the mid-term elections.

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I recreated my old three-column layout using the same tricks that Mike suggested when I originally changed over. Unfortunately, it put both the sidebars on the right, one beneath the other. You'd think there'd be a simple "sidebar justify:left" line or something, but nooooo. I can probably piddle around in the code and figure out what's wrong, but if you're an XML hero out there who can speed me through the process, I'll gladly say lots of nice things about you in exchange for some hints.

Monday, January 18, 2010

You've probably already seen this at NRO or AoSHQ. But I'm glomming it anyway, for you simply must not miss this line from John "Cliff Clavin" Ratzenberger at a Scott Brown rally:

This isn't the Democratic party of our fathers and grandfathers. This is the party of Woodstock hippies. I was at Woodstock — I built the stage. And when everything fell apart, and people were fighting for peanut-butter sandwiches, it was the National Guard who came in and saved the same people who were protesting them. So when Hillary Clinton a few years ago wanted to build a Woodstock memorial, I said it should be a statue of a National Guardsman feeding a crying hippie.

I hope the moonbats have up-to-date dental records, 'cuz ol' Cliffy just flamed them beyond all recognition. Wooooo!

I'm really struggling to keep it together as I bring you this message. Please forgive me if I start to cry or actually show some kind of human emotion...

OK. Things have gone horribly, horribly wrong. Unless you are one of the ACORN voters bused in from the Bronx, in which case things are harrible! I admit that I haven't run much of a campaign. Really, when was the last time a dem had to actually try to win a senate seat here? So I confess to being woefully underprepared. And to those of you who are counting on the big democrat machine to carry me through: There ain't no big democrat machine here. Usually being a democrat is all it takes. We aren't a swing state like Illinois, where it takes a lot of dirty tricks to get the crummy dem candidate into office. We don't have a well-established Daley-esque juggernaut. We're used to just coasting over the finish line. Now I need your help. I need your vote(s).

People say that when I speak, it reminds them of the time Joey ripped a big fart during the wedding vows. So I'm not much of a public speaker. Please don't hold that against me. People also say my record as Attorney General is unremarkable except for a few controversial sex crime prosecutions. That I am a nasty, withered nag who hasn't "gotten any" since 1986 is not at all related to my conduct during those prosecutions. It was all just judicial expediency to pad my résumé. Really.

So I am not much of an orator, not much of a campaigner, not much of an AG. Nor am I much to look at. But I am a democrat and that's what counts. But what really counts even more is my feelings. I don't have very many, so each one is precious. I would simply destroy me to go down in history as the democrat that sucked so bad I lost Teddy's family throne to a no-name republican. Pleeeeease don't let that happen to me. There is just no way I can go through life being the goat, like that Will Buckner guy who was a Yankee fan and let that homerun go through his legs, allowing the New Jersey Astros to beat our Red Sox right down there at Benway Park. If that happened I'd, I'd, I'd probably get all misty-eyed. I'd shed little frigid ice-lady tearsicles all over the streets of New England. I say we've already had enough icy roads this winter. So please give me your vote(s)!

This message paid for by the Increasingly Desperate Coakley for Senate Committee.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

A recent comment from aA jars to mind some events from back in the mid-'90s. I was living in an apartment in a neighborhood populated mostly by college students. The whole area was practically "Life After Humans" during the summer, which I thought was great. One year I had a guy move in downstairs from Saudi Arabia. Nice guy. He was in a summerlong crash-course on learning English. So he would ALWAYS want to talk. About anything. Just to practice and build vocab. So we'd hang out and yak about whatever.

Often we'd be down in his place, as it was cooler down there on the ground floor. He had exactly NO furniture. Just a couple pillows and a TV. I guess that's understandable when one considers that he would only be here a few months. So, one day he offers me a graham cracker. I wasn't really hungry, but I hadn't had a graham cracker in, like, forever, so I accepted. Then he offered me some tea.

Background info: I HATE TEA. I hate the taste. The smell of tea brewing makes me cringe. Tea and coconuts are the only menu items in hell. Both induce in me a nearly irrepressible revulsion.

So in a half-polite/half-casual manner that is my usual style, I told him "nah, no thanks."

Mr. Friendly Arab Who Likes to Chitchat in English freaked out like I'd slandered da profit himself. "In my country I would KEEEEEEL YOU! You will not deny my hospitality!!!" I was still sitting on the floor as he charged back in from the kitchen pointing his finger in my face yelling. I should have just given him a gut-punch lesson in tolerance, but the whole thing was so abrupt and shocking that I was kind of dumbfounded.

"Alright, alright, I'll have some *&@#^$ tea!" (I was less disciplined with regard to colorful language back in those days)

One microsip of tea later, everything was fine. He was all smiles and ready to talk about anything and everything.

The 'puter shop said the mobo had a sketchy capacitor. No wonder I had such little luck tracking down the problem. New mobo, new SATA hard drive, fresh install of windoze and things seem to be going pretty well. Unfortunately I lost my (not quite fully completely thoroughly totally legal) copy of CorelDRAW/PhotoPAINT so that's a bummer. Downloaded Inkscape and Gimp to make do. They look pretty cool but I have to learn all the quirks of those programs.

Grand total, about $200. Unfortunately, that's about $200 more than I could really afford right now. Until payday that pretty much means I have to live off water and the little spice packets that come in ramen noodles since I'm out of ramen but for some reason have a bunch of the little spice packs in the back of the junk drawer.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Good evening fellow Massachusettians. As a long-sitting Congressman representing our fine Commonwealth, I am discouraged by the lack of enthusiasm for Democwat Senate candidate Mawtha Coakwey. I urge you to get out and vote, and not allow the far-wight teabaggers (NTTAWW teabagging) to hijack our agenda.

Ms. Coakwey is the perfect embodiment of the modern Democrat: Entitled, lazy, rather inept, and quite mean. Seriously - put a doily on her head and try to tell me she wouldn't look exactwy wike Nurse Ratched. She went to the wight schools. What else can you ask for? She even had the foresight to begin campaigning before Teddy was all the way dead. This is the kind of pwo-active leadership we desperately need to bweak the logjam in DC.

Then again, that Scott Brown is one hot man! He, being a far-wight teabagger, is no doubt straighter than a laser beam in a vacuum and pwobably not interested in a fat weasel like me. But you never know. Stranger things have happened. At the very weast, I'd get to be in the same room as him during the State of the Union addresses. That would be pwetty cool.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Verizon Wireless has been a pain in my pooper since late summer. My kid, while spending the summer traveling, had his phone crap out. Verizon said they'd send a replacement ASAP which they did and would bill us $200 which would be credited as soon as they received the dud phone from us. The replacement phone promptly crapped out in the same fashion of the first. My kid, reluctant to keep playing this game, bought a different model of phone with his own out-of-pocket dough. At the end of the summer he was back from his travels and we sent in the original dud phone. No credit appeared on the next bill. We called. They didn't know what we're talking about. We gave them a FedEx tracking # and then they said "Oh, yeah! Here's your credit!" Next statement came, no credit appeared. "We need your tracking #!!!" they said over and over, but we had misplaced it. Remember, by this point, we've been fussing for about 3 months. We refused to pay the $200, so they partially disabled our phones. Incoming calls and texts still work, but no outgoing. We called and called. Every time, we'd have to start the whole story from the beginning, and every time they'd demand the tracking number. After literal HOURS of phone tag with these fools, we'd decided to give up on them. Then they said they'd split the difference with us. I told them to go take a piss into a stiff headwind. "Your phones, your policies, and your procedures suck, but you want ME to give YOU and extra $100? Negative, Ghost Rider, the pattern is full!"

So today, out of the blue, they say they'll just go ahead and credit the $200. Hmmm. I was all set to change providers and then write them a really nasty, harshly worded note. Kinda like Hillary sends to dictatorial thugs in Third World countries. Now I don't know what I'll do. They've acquiesced to my demands, but I still hate them. Part of me doesn't want the hassle of switching companies, but the other part of me doesn't want to miss out on telling them exactly how I feel, using the most "vibrant" language I can muster.

Nah, I haven't forgot about this little contest I started. I just get easily distracted. Yeah, that's it. I got distracted. Not my fault. If it weren't for those shiny trinkets over there, I'd have posted a lot more. Yeah.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The world is abuzz at the buzz coming from the late Senator Ted Kennedy's gravesite in Arlington. About 10 days ago, visitors to his memorial began reporting a strange sensation underfoot, which has intensified in recent days. As GOP longshot Scott Brown began to get traction in his campaign to replace the Dead Kennedy, the tremors became more noticeable. Seismologists were finally given permission from the National Parks Department to excavate and investigate. "We found Kennedy was spinning in his grave at approximately 600 rpm." reports Marty Schwarz, the lead scientist of the project. "The Senator's corpse was remarkably well preserved - as though it had been pickled in formaldehyde, or even alcohol" he continued. "But Ted's belly was causing an imbalance. The whole hillside was shaking like an old Kenmore overloaded with towels and bluejeans."

Now that Brown is in a dead heat with Coakley, the bloated body has picked up speed. Marty explains further: "He's really spinning now. The vibrations make it hard to get a good reading, but we're definitely north of 10,000 rpm. The sound reminds me of an IndyCar running on the redline." When asked about the imbalance, and whether the recent quake in Haiti was connected, Dr. Schwarz answered emphatically, "Yes! We're trying to track down Michael Moore, so we can bungee him to Ted and counteract the imbalance. Once the whole Kennedy/Moore assembly is rotating smoothly, we'll install magnets on them and generate electricty. Thankfully, the giant magnets, brushes and coils used in hydroelectric dams fit nicely around our human generators - it's really all off-the-shelf technology - and we should be able to light up the entire 3-state region! It really is a breakthrough. And if Brown wins, the irony of Kennedy's signature agenda item being shot down by his own replacement will cause the grave-spinning Kennedy to light up all of America east of the Mississippi."

I made a vow to myself that I'd average at least a post per day this new year. So far, I ain't living up. I was tempted to write a bunch of piddly little posts to bring the average up, but you deserve better. So instead I'll regale you with a bunch of piddly stuff all stuffed into one post. Woohoo!

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While everybody with a blog spent the weekend talking about the racism, pseudoracism, and general retardery revealed in Game Change, I was computerless and missed out on all the fun until yesterday. I'm still trying to soak it all up. "A few years ago, he'd be getting our coffee." Wow! Anyway, diagnosing racism is tricky. I think it really is necessary to know the speaker before one can really know the intent of the words. Take VP Biden for example: If you heard breaking glass and car alarms going off, then a panicked Biden barged in and said "As God is my witness, I thought badgers could fly!" you'd believe him. Admit it. 'Cuz that's just Joe. Joe could say something patently racist and offensive and then plead stupidity. We'd let him off the hook, knowing that it really is far more likely that he's being stupid rather than malicious. But these other weasels like Reid and Hill and Bill - bullshtuff is their default setting. When they try to claim innocence, we know better.

The race for Kennedy'sthe people's Senate seat in Massachusettes (sic) sure is interesting. Memo to Michael Steele and whoever the Senator is that's in charge of getting more R's elected (Cornyn?): Stay out of the way. The people are doing fine without you. Continue your book tour and whatever other nonsense you are in the middle of. Do not open your mouth about this race. You will not help. Your assistance may have been of some limited value a couple months ago. Too late now. Don't be a bandwagon jumper. Go on Fox and call Reid a racist or something, but please, please, don't meddle with the race in MA.

Palin getting a show on Fox? Can I get an amen?! Hopefully they put her in Huck's slot and he can go back to jiffy-popping some squirrel jerky.
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OK, ok. That's enough. Let me go think of some other stuff to write about.

Friday, January 8, 2010

My machine at home started getting weird a few days ago and is now nigh unto unusable. It is a pretty ordinary dual-core WinXP setup. It's original incarnation was given to me a few years ago by my mom, who gave it to me without the XP cd's. Then about 1.5 years ago the original Celeron motherboard in it gave up the smoke, so I replaced it with the newer dual-core mobo in a new case with a better power supply, re-using my old HD so I wouldn't have to buy another copy of Windows. Security-wise, I've been running AVG Free and ZoneAlarm. An old copy of SpyBot S&D is in there somewhere, too, but not running. The whole thing worked really darned well up until the 4th.

Now it freaks out and reboots itself OFTEN! Usually it won't even finish booting up before it gags and starts over. Sometimes I can get to a point where I can open a browser and read for 30 seconds or so. But that's about it. In Safe Mode it will run for 10 minutes or so before freaking, but of course I can't do much in Safe Mode. The more services/start up items that are running, the faster it craps out.

It seems like something is corrupted, but I can't seem to isolate it. Then again, if something were corrupted, you'd think the freakouts would be more predictable - happening everytime the system tries to access the corrupted whatever. The intermittent nature of the crashes makes me wonder. It often crashes early in the boot cycle, before it has even gotten to all the start-up stuff.

In the old day's I'd just fire up Norton which would almost always solve my probs. But things have been so trouble-free the last several years I don't even have a fresh version of it. Current versions of it still any good? Are there better diagnostic apps out there? Other ideas? Budget is folded, spindled and mutilated so CHEAP is GOOD!

Help me Obi-Wan, you're my only hope!

PS: A pox on anybody who says "Get a Mac!" I don't mind Macs, but please see the part above about CHEAP is GOOD before telling me PCs suck.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Hey, at least he has pretty much zipped lip about his Banned from Britain fiasco. But he returned to one of his recurring themes of blaming us for attracting terrorist attacks. It is not arguable that our degeneracy is disgusting to many. It isn't just the mooselimbs who are bothered by it. But I can't buy the "they want to kill us because our teenage girls dress like sluts" assertion he makes all the time. Why, then, are mooselimbs so fond of killing each other? There aren't many short-skirted Paris Hilton types roaming Afghanistan, yet mooselimb-on-mooselimb violence goes on there and many other places.

So Dr. Savage, please leave this topic alone. You are wrong on this one. We may need some morality lessons, but we don't need them from child marrying, cousin wedding, genital mutilating, rape-victim-stoning goat molesters that go all Brokeback Sand Dune when nobody's looking.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Senator Chris Dodd (D-Countrywide) has announced that he will not seek re-election and will instead spend more time with his family. This has prompted cheers from conservatives and anti-incumbent tea party activists, but plaintive wails from those who are unfortunate enough to be part of Dodd's family. "He is soooo boring! Dennis Miller was right!" said one grandchild. A niece was less kind, saying "When he tries to kiss me goodbye, his breath smells like the fishpacking plant down by the waterfront." Dodd's departure may actually improve democrats' chances of holding the seat, for Dodd was polling well behind any theoretical challengers, including Satan. Dodd's wife was most upset by the announcement: "All that money Chris got for all his shady deals? It's all gone, man! I spent it all on his previous campaigns! When he's in DC that means he's not in Connecticut, so I spared no expense to get him re-elected each time. Now he's going to be unemployed, AND we're totally broke, AND he's going to be home all the time. I think I'll go chug an Arsenic McFlurry and end this misery."

Dodd, showing spirit and spunk, declared "I'm down but I'm not out. I'll be back. You probably don't think Obama can do anything that stupid, like giving me that job. But I'm here to tell ya, Yes He Can!"

Local news station KATU is reporting that there was a "disturbance" aboard a Hawaiian Airlines flight that departed Portland at 1:30 (about an hour ago). F-15s from the Oregon Air Guard were scrambled to intercept and escort the plane back to Portland.

A spokesperson for Hawaiian Airlines is saying that the disturbance was "not the kind of newsworthy thing like everybody has been talking about lately." Hmm. I dunno, but it seems to me that sending up fighter jets shouldn't be done for trivial reasons.

Lots of "we still don't know" kind of phrasing in the reportage. Hopefully we'll know more soon.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Cabinet members seated along one side of the room, czars along the other side. Obama enters

[Rahm Emanuel] "Hear ye, hear ye! This meeting is called to order!"

[Obama] "Hey guys. It's pretty cool having the de facto government and the government de jure all gathered together like this. So. Anyway. I go on TV in a couple hours to announce our new air travel security policies. What have you come up with?"

[silence]

[more silence]

[Sec DHS Janet Incompetano] "What do WE have? Sorry, sir, we thought you called this meeting to tell us what YOUR plan was, so we could then implement it."

[Obama] "What? Does that mean you have nothing?"

[Incompetano] "Well, there are these full-body scanners we'd like to install."

Safe School Czar Kevin "Li'l Fist" Jennings enters.

[Jennings] "Sorry I'm late."

[Obama] "No problem. You haven't missed anything. Nobody has a clue what to do."

[Jennings] "Did I hear something about full-body scanners?"

[Incompetano] "Yes. These devices can see right through clothes, revealing everything. Umm, uh, I mean whether the person might me trying to smuggle a weapon or destructive device."

[Obama, continuing] "So I guess that's our plan. Wait. How 'bout we also hassle the crap out of travelers until they no longer want to fly?"

[Carol Browner, Climate Change Czar] "Yes! Yes! That will also drastically cut down on CO2 emissions! It is a total win/win scenario! You, Mr. President, are the smartest man ever!"

[Obama] "Well, it's not really win/win until we all go out and buy stock in the company that makes the body scanners. We'll be ordering a LOT of them. Then it will REALLY be win/win!" [Evil laugh] "Bwahaaahaahaa!"

[Obama] "Thank you for your input. We have devised an excellent set of security policies. Now, I'm off to the press conference to make the big announcement. Toodles!"

Friday, January 1, 2010

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