Category: Keg

Today’s Best of Dumbass News comes to us from May 4 of last year. This is one of my favorite stories of the almost 500 that have been put to pixels on this very forum. It has college kids, petting zoos, pot and hookers. What’s not to like?

Have you ever wondered how a place as beautiful as California could be inhabited by so many dumbasses? There are certain parts of the state, I’m looking at you, Bay Area, that are as infested with dumbasses as Congress is with crooks. That’s saying something. I could link you to some stories from California that would curl your toenails. Then again, curled toenails are probably a fashion statement in California. But, I digress.

The state is in the economic crapper with no relief in sight and the dumbasses just elected Jerry Brown, Governor Moonbeam, to be their Governor again! Get your popcorn ready, this is gonna be good. Institutions of Higher Learning in California are turning out a bunch Socialist indoctrinated pussies to be the leaders of the future. Those poor people are doomed! The light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a freight train traveling at 100mph straight at them. It ain’t gonna be pretty when it hits.

Back to the colleges turning out a bunch of pansies. You’re gonna love this. This time of year at universities all across the country means term papers and final exams. This is a very stressful time for millions of college students. Leave it to a college in California to come up with a method of ridding these overwrought young people of all that stress. The solution? Petting zoos! I. Shit. You. Not.

Here’s a piece of that story verbatim: “At the Claremont University Consortium in Southern California, as classes ended for the semester and a finals study period began, two fenced pens were set up on a campus lawn with bunnies in one and puppies in the other.

About 300 students took turns climbing into the pens and playing with the animals at the student-organized event.

Freshman Adam Griffith said he’d had only 7 hours of sleep over three days, finishing four papers for classes, and was glad of the chance to romp with the dogs.

“Stuff like this is a really, really good idea, especially since it doesn’t take too much time,” Griffith, 18, said. “I appreciate seeing that from the faculty and staff, acknowledging that we are under stress.”

When I read that dumbass pablum, I wanted to cut out my eyeballs with a paring knife. Bunnies and puppies? Are you fucking kidding me? This is a great idea for students….students in the First grade! No wonder the Golden State is all FUBAR’ed. If you want to “de-stress” a college kid, give him sex or booze! That’s what college kids wants, you dumbasses! I am serious. Have a campus wide kegger with FREE BEER and order up a mess of non-union hookers and let nature take its course. This would also be a good way to get rid of all those free condoms you dipshits have stored in the Campus Clinic. Having said that, I am sure that some of the students would get bombed and start to “like” the bunnies and puppies, but that’s another story for another day. Make this event BYOB – Bring Your Own Bong – and you’ve got a stress reliever of Soddam and Gammora proportions. Throw in a few Cheetos stands, sell pizza by the slice and you have generated more income in a few days as many third world countries, like New Jersey, do in a year. Do I have to tell you dumbasses everything? By the way, this would make a great time for Parents’ Day on Campus also. Just sayin’.

I offer this advice free of charge this time, but if I have to remind you of it again, my consulting fee starts in six figures. But, just this once, I am waiving it, so your stressed out students can get drunk, stoned and laid. That’s just how I roll. Dumbasses.