How JustAnswer Works:

Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.

Get a Professional Answer

Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.Ask follow up questions if you need to.

100% Satisfaction Guarantee

Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist

Category: Mental Health

Satisfied Customers: 5618

Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.

54658078

Type Your Mental Health Question Here...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC is online now

Hi, ive been in a relationship with a woman for 2 years, we

Customer Question

Hi, i've been in a relationship with a woman for 2 years, we have a problem that we can't seem to resolve by ourselves, and it's really coming between us. Like any couple we argue, my girlfriend goes off and calls her friend in the middle of the argument and tells her everything, before we've had a chance to resolve it ourselves. i find that hugely undermining and it has really started to affect my relationship with her, i started to go really quiet if an argument was developing..now i'm at the point where i shut up all together and don't argue at all, there feels like such a lack of freedom to be myself, my whole self and trust that thats ok. My girlfriend sees that as me being controlling? and i'm not sure what to believe or how to resolve this. Ive been in a couple of fairly long relationships and i'm still really good friends with my previous partners, who don't experience me as controlling, and i don't think i am. i would really appreciate some advice on this. with thanks

It sounds like your girlfriend feels she needs support during your arguments, someone to agree with her and make her feel she is right. But by calling her friend in the middle of your arguments, she breaks the trust you have between you. And trust is a basic need in a relationship. Without it, the relationship breaks down.

Your reaction to what your girlfriend does is not wrong. By breaking your trust, your girlfriend takes away your ability to work your deeper feelings out during the argument. When you have someone "reporting" your thoughts and feelings to someone outside of the situation, it is normal to shut down and not want to share anymore with her.

Your behavior is not controlling, it is protective. And it is your right to not have your personal arguments told to other people. And your girlfriend is not recognizing her role in making you shut down. Instead, she is blaming you for not continuing in this destructive pattern that helps her feel better and hurts you.

To help the situation, try talking to your girlfriend when you are both not upset. Let her know that you find her behavior hurtful and that you consider your arguments (and any other aspect of your relationship) private and you would appreciate her not sharing what happens between you. Also, let her know that your trust of her is lower when she does these things. If she won't work with you however, you may have to avoid arguments with her and just walk away when you get upset.

You could also ask her to talk to a counselor with you. Sometimes it only takes a session or two to work things out. She needs to hear from someone outside of your relationship that what she is doing is hurtful and causes you to mistrust her.

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!

I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly.
Thank you very muchCorrie MollPretoria, South Africa

I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly.
Thank you very muchCorrie MollPretoria, South Africa

I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and
confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the
examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as
well! ClaudiaAlbuquerque, NM

Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. KevinBeaverton, OR

Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.I feel better already! Thank you.ElanorTracy, CA

Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem.JulieLockesburg, AR

You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and StefanieTucson, AZ

I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet VPhoenix, AZ

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.

X

Ask a Mental Health Professional

Get a Professional Answer. 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed.

101 Mental Health Professionals are Online Now

Type Your Mental Health Question Here...

characters left:

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.