How To Reassure Your Girlfriend About Being Friends With Your Ex

So, you’re still friends with your ex. Great! Congratulations on being the type of mature adult who can pull that off. Just know that it’s likely to threaten all future relationships you get into. Dating a man who is still close with his ex is high on every girl’s list of nightmares.

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If your girlfriend is stressing about the fact that you still have your ex on speed dial, don’t panic. It’s perfectly natural, and there are some simple ways you can relieve her anxiety! Below, we provide you with some tips on what to do to ensure all parties feel comfortable. It might take a little extra work, but it’s necessary to keep both relationships healthy and happy.

1. Don’t Get Mad If She Admits To Feeling Jealous

Her: I don’t understand why you have to hang out with Sarah all the time. It’s not normal to be that close to your ex.

You: Why? Maybe it’s not normal for you, but it sure is for me. Don’t act crazy and imagine something’s going on between us.

Getting mad is the worst possible way you could handle the situation. For starters, it’ll only confirm her worst fears if you go on the defensive about your ex. That’s how guilty people act! So cut it out, and try to put yourself in her place for a minute. How would you feel if she hung out with her ex all the time ? Not great, Bob!

So don’t freak out on her. Being friends with an ex is a bit of an unusual situation, and it’s OK for her to point that out, or to feel worried at first. Acknowledge her feelings, and she’ll appreciate you for the thoughtful boyfriend you are.

You: Oh, OK. Is it bothering you? I get it might be difficult, but I think if we talked about it you’d understand.

2. Talk To Her About Why That Relationship Is In The Past

You do need to explain why your ex-girlfriend is not a threat to your current relationship. Don’t say airily “Oh, we’re just friends now” and leave it at that. Your girlfriend is likely feeling insecure and wondering if anything stands in the way of you guys hooking up again. You need to reassure her so that she isn’t worried about you two getting drunk together — or wondering what if. Take the time to explain and dismantle her fears.

You: Look, I understand your concern, but here’s the thing – Maria and I were never serious. We’re super incompatible. That relationship always felt wrong to me, and I think of her as family now. I promise you don’t need to worry about anything happening between us.

3. Don’t Ever Compare The Two

You: Sophie wasn’t that keen on sports, either. But she was much more relaxed about me spending my Sunday evenings on football.

Your current girlfriend will almost certainly be wondering how she measures up to your ex — or how your relationship compares to your previous ones. If you compare the two, or suggest that your ex-girlfriend might have been a better fit for you, you’re basically sabotaging her self-esteem! Now she’ll think that you still pine over your ex. Don’t ever give her reason to feel inadequate: be careful what language you use when you talk about your ex! Over time, your girlfriend will chill out and be much more relaxed — as long as you don’t talk fondly about your relationship up front.

4. Make Sure Your Current Girlfriend Knows She's Your Priority

You: I know we have dinner with your aunt tonight, but do you mind if I cancel? Lara needs help moving into her new place.

This kind of sentence is the set-up for a horror movie! Hopefully, this sort of situation will never materialize, but if it does, you should be prepared. Your girlfriend should never feel like she is second-best, or as if she needs to compete for your affection. Both women have their own place in your lives: don’t confuse the two roles.

If you have plans with your ex that conflict with your girlfriend’s schedule — you should prioritize your girlfriend, always. Don’t be careless about this: remember it has the potential to create underlying doubt in your girlfriend’s mind.

5. Establish Some Boundaries And Stick To Them

You may be on friendly terms with your ex, but that doesn’t mean she’s just the same as your other friends! For instance, you should never vent about your relationship to her. That’s extremely inappropriate, and makes for an unhealthy dynamic. Always be mindful of your relationship history in these situations.

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Do the work of being accountable — ask your girlfriend what would make her feel comfortable. Say “I know you might have some concerns: what can I do to get rid of them?” It might seem annoying to set rules right now, but they will save you much trouble later. For instance, if you and your girlfriend agree that there won’t be any sleepovers at your ex’s house, you’re much less likely to mess up and get into a huge argument later on.

6. Schedule Some Time For All Three Of You To Hang Out

The best way to get your girlfriend to like your ex? Plan an activity that you can all do together! This might seem like a scary prospect at first, but it’s good to de-mystify your ex. Go eat tacos together, or see a movie: Whatever it is, make sure they have some time to chat and get to know each other. Who knows, they might have loads in common Good luck.