trails and trials

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Funny how when you’re working someone else’s job, that time goes so slowly, you could chew your own wrists for hours in agony.. Your cupboards are full, bills paid, you think about what you’ll do in your “off-time” and the horrendous routine ticks ticks tick-tocks monotonously, painfully along another day another day another day…
But when you’re working your own purpose, there’s just never enough of it, not time, not money, not guidance, not air, not space… you’re tired as (!$*!), but your heart is full and you can’t you can’t you cannot just cannot stop.! ..It’s a time travel speed train..
How did I get here again? And where’s the halfway in-between place of calm and rest and the outside evidence of this peace inside? (And the stuff I preach?!)

…and
how (!!!)

to always maintain “sanity” in this world and this city, when you can feel your limbs turning twisting green from longing and yearning for a forest,

you can feel your bones and joints petrify and crumble from aching for the earth,

and you’re swooshing and swindling yourself and this body,

back and forth,
like the ocean waves,

as the beautiful moon pushes and pulls her perpetual, wicked way with you..?

What do you tell your mind to believe if what you know is too large for it to hold?

How do you accept this frustrating composition of cells, in a set form called “human”, and love it unconditionally with all its flaws and such immense limitation?

I have come (here) to learn to love my choices (it seems).

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Our hardest battles are fought alone.
A year or three or twelve easily passes without ever consciously processing the events that shape our reality.
Only after an honoring of one’s own process, an act of self-care, a courageous choice to return to the self, will sore memories surface to be acknowledged and hopefully released.
Tears well up from the deep, of triggers long trapped in these bodies we inhabit.
This life is long still, and a multitude of others are strung together in a loop, loop ever far reaching beyond, teaching beyond understanding.
The most painful experiences are in the end the most beautiful. A heart dark and full of fear and disappointment can only be broken and opened by the sacred acceptance of the soul’s journey towards ever more light, driven by love, divine love.
We exist in this space only to love and support each others healing. We crave not feeling alone, and cannot heal ourselves without the others. We feel attached but can only love by detaching, yet connecting, serving selflessly, yet staying secure in our own individual beingness.
Still we do feel alone when faced with our own ascension, and no other, even with the best of intentions, can ever understand or know or feel or truly be connected to our each individual experience.
The only comfort in this existence is love.
We can truly share only in interaction and flowing around and through each other. No one human can carry another’s burden, as in the end, it will all come into balance and you will see that the path you believed you were sharing with another, was essentially only your own.
All, yes, ALL contracts with other beings, inevitably, have to be released. We cannot stay connected indefinitely, since stagnation is not in the nature of oursoul’s ultimate completion.
In essence, I am, you are, only alone, but multi-faceted, each of us an aspect of the other, so we can believe and interact, feel the warmth of love as we pretend to dance with each other, though essentially with our own inner beings.
Though this may seem a rather sad existence, in fact, the gift that comes with it is JOY. A joyous and grateful heart is our only salvation. And the only tool is LOVE.

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After two/three years of self-imposed ‘disciplinary action’ in my world, to reel me-self in and restore balance after some rather high highs and low lows, conclusions are starting to surface… One of these little gems I’ve “learnt” (as if we didn’t know before) is that mediocre things that make sense stands awfully much in the way of ecstatic bohemian experiences that don’t make sense.
Common sense is, well, common (and boring, boring, boring). I “sense” better when I “sense”, in an uncommon way, that there’s more out there to be lived, seen, felt, awed over and sunken into, even if it is reckless. What’s the point in not going there? I can see the mundane (mediocre) benefits of common sense, but is it really worth being there doing that, compared to how much more of life there is to live?
I have learnt some discipline in this time of assessment and temperance, which, i guess, was the objective from the start, (since apparently one cannot sustain an ‘alien’ existence if one is to stay on this planet.. ghmf.) but!, mundane and mediocre can both go right back to wherever (sad & boring) they came from.
I shall now pursue even higher highs and lower lows, but in a disciplined, sustainable manner. (noddy badge!)

The point (and the purpose of living) is.. there is no point.. except just really to LIVE.
(what? no mission? ..!!!! …?!)
(gets kinda boring, doesn’t it?)

That’s about as far as i have gotten with this. Now, what to do, neeeeeeeeexxt!!!!!!!?