As you will all probably be aware by now, the Fifty Shades of Grey movie is due for release on Valentine’s Day next month, so the Fifty Shades dream/debacle (your choice) is back in the spotlight once again. March looks set to be a jiggle ball-slash-lip balm frenzy.

Segzi promptly and professionally dispatched my discreetly wrapped toy package, and soon I was lifting a couple of sex toys out of a carefully packed box, the FSOG Sweet Touch clitoral vibrator being one of them. The other was the Topco Magic Wand Vibrator, a review for which will be published soon. These sex toys were sent to me free of charge by Segzi in return for a fair and honest review.

The Fifty Shades of Grey Sweet Touch Mini Clitoral Vibrator is part of what I am moved to label the ‘original’ 50 Shades sex toy collection, now that the new Red Room Collection has been released. As such, it is packaged in line with the original range box design and inserts; grey themed glossy card boxes reminiscent of the trilogy’s book covers and with relevant quotes from the books themselves. The box also carries details of the manufacturing and distributing company, as well as some practical info about the product inside.

Opening the box, the vibrator is easy to withdraw and I was pleased that a brand satin storage pouch was also included. This is a silicone vibrator (albeit with a plastic twist cap/handle) so the storage pouch is a thoughtful and helpful addition.

With such a thoughtful inclusion I was surprised that batteries are not included. This vibe takes one AAA battery and I had to dig into a pack of my own. It’s possibly down to postal regulation reasons, I’m not too sure. In any case as a customer I would prefer to have the battery in the pack ready to insert, or even in the toy already with a paper or plastic disc to remove like with Rocks Off sex toys.

I was really looking forward to the pleasure the Fifty Shades of Grey Clitoral Vibrator would give me. It promised ten exciting and powerful modes of vibrating stimulation, so surely I’d find one to send my clit into overdrive. The vibrator is turned on, operated and switched off by a simple push button on the base.

Sadly, I was very disappointed. Even in the highest power, constant vibration mode which is my standard personal favourite. I even changed the battery to another fresh new one right out of a pack, thinking that was the problem but no – this vibe is just weak. I’d be more aroused sitting on a purring kitten.

If you’re interested in the other modes, I describe them as follows:

High constant

Medium constant

Low constant

Ascending

Pulse dash dash dash fast

Oscillation

Fast oscillation, like a pulse

Fastest oscillation, smoother pulse

Longer dash dash dash pulse

Short burst pulse: dot dot dot

It also starts again where you turned the vibe off (press and hold to switch off), not at the start function, so you have to cycle through all modes to get round to mode one again. The vibrator is fully waterproof which is a slightly pacifying feature but it’s not enough to completely redeem it, in my opinion.

I am actually quite gutted this vibrator as wanted so much to be able to love it. I specifically chose a clitoral vibrator as they’re my ‘thing’ – but it turned out to be a damp squib.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a power queen, loving the likes of Doxy wand, iGino one and other extremely powerful vibrators. If you’re not a magic wand girl, or you have a sensitive clit, it may be that the Fifty Shades of Grey Clitoral Vibrator would send you into orgasmic overdrive. It really didn’t do anything for me.

If you’re interested in the exact size, by my measurements this Fifty Shades of Grey clit vibe measures 4.8 inches in overall length, 3.75 inches in insertable length and has a maximum circumference of 3.25 inches.

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