All I want to know is whether Tom Ford’s intern had the dress dry-cleaned, or wet cleaned, since Anne Hathaway wore it.

Having just seen Anne Hathaway And Her Amazing Vagina’s heartbreaking rendition of I Dreamed A Dream at a screening of Les Miserables, I am vomiting from the flurry of attention being paid solely to her vagina. This is where the press needs to take a serious look in the mirror because it is this level of reporting that has effected our society and whatever bits of culture we have left. In the wake of the Connecticut shooting, frankly, we all need to look in the mirror for what it is that we do that corrupts our youth, be it through the kind of imagery we expose them to, the constant cross-marketing promotional jibber jabber and the volume of shallowness in the social media landscape.** But let’s get back to the vagina at hand for now. It has been quite a while since we have been accosted with celebrity vag shots. Not since the Golden Age of Brittany Spears and Paris Hilton did anyone poke her poker out at a camera making much hoopla. Yes, TMZ does report on those moments but who cares about a B or C or even D-List vagina? Yes, you Kathy Griffin. Please do not show that thing to the paparazzi because, quoting Roseanne Roseannadanna here, “Hey, you’re making me sick”.

Anne Hathaway is truly one of Hollywood’s sweethearts. OK, she was major annoying as the Oscars Host, but not any more so than James Franco. My point, though convoluted here, is that, “I don’t need to see that!” (NOTE: Quoting my favorite line from that short-lived HBO Series, The Comeback, starring Lisa Kudrow, who has never exposed her vagina.) Anne’s bravura turn as Fantine in Les Miz is a testament to why talented people should be famous and to hold those who deliver so much joy to be respected. Let’s blame the demise of the Hollywood Studio System where every star’s image was carefully crafted, protected and maintained as opposed to what we get now. Today everyone is vomiting on the red carpet rather than just walking on one and perhaps waving a couple of times. Instead now every farkakteh cable network & fashion blog has a Best & Worst Dressed List (I stopped my Not Best Dressed List because it got old) and dispatch some wanna-be weatherperson to get a sound bite, which has sadly become the Holy Grail or the New Gospel. The web, like cable stations hangs on every word of just about anybody in order to fill endless content time. Yikes.

Back to the vagina. We are living in an era where we are so desensitized that the only people shocked by the attention paid to Anne Hathaway And Her Amazing Vagina is Anne Hathaway And Her Amazing Vagina. We must begin to curtail some of our mindless deviant behavior. Look, I am not a Tea Party Republican here spewing nonsense. But I suggest that we pull back a little from our wanton ways.

Q. What is the meaning of hypocrisy? A. The pretense of having some desirable or publicly approved attitude. FACT: You cannot walk around trashing Miley Cyrus for doing a lap dance with an old queen like Adam Shankman and consider the new Miss USA marketing campaign a good idea. FACT: You cannot watch Jersey Shore and think it is hilarious, anxiously waiting Season Two, then judge Miley Cyrus for being too young to be sexy. FACT: You cannot be a self-righteous Tea Bagger (Sarah Palin) with a daughter that just so happens to be a teenage mother out of wedlock.

FACT: You cannot walk around trashing Miley Cyrus for doing a lap dance with an old queen like Adam Shankman and consider the new Miss USA marketing campaign a good idea.FACT: You cannot watch Jersey Shore and think it is hilarious, anxiously waiting Season Two, then judge Miley Cyrus for being too young to be sexy.FACT: You cannot be a self-righteous Tea Bagger (Sarah Palin) with a daughter that just so happens to be a teenage mother out of wedlock.FACT: You cannot be a teenage mother out of wedlock (Bristol Palin) and then become the poster child for abstinence.FACT: You cannot be an anti-gay, Christian zealot (George Rekers) and take young hustler boys on vacations abroad.

It is the hypocrisy of the media, politicians, television and advertising executives, and magazine editors that have blurred the lines between what is appropriate and what is unacceptable. There is no turning back our societal clock when Father Knows Best and Emily Post were the watermark of good behavior. We glorify skanks and out of control athletes, our heroes are no longer all that super, hence this is what we have to contend with. It is kind of like that scene in the film The Ten Commandments when Moses comes down from the mountain with the tablets, only to find the people have run amok, wilding with orgies and praying to a golden calf statues (a.k.a. bling). Pack your bags kiddies…we are sure to be in the desert for 40 years.

In the Golden Days of Hollywood, no one cared about much besides the stars of stage and screen. Tallulah Bankhead, Bette Davis, Katherine Hepburn, Clark Cable, the list goes on. Seems like we have graduated (or what’s the opposite of that?) to be far more concerned with the whereabouts and goings on of the lowest of lowbrows of our society. The Nobody Newzzz is back and we have plenty to crow about. Crow as in old crow because the top story this week is about the Salahis. You will remember Michaele and Tartiq Salahi, that couple of Gross Baboons who

In the Golden Days of Hollywood, no one cared about much besides the stars of stage and screen. Tallulah Bankhead, Bette Davis, Katherine Hepburn, Clark Cable, the list goes on. Seems like we have graduated (or what’s the opposite of that?) to be far more concerned with the whereabouts and goings on of the lowest of lowbrows of our society. The Nobody Newzzzis back and we have plenty to crow about. Crow as in old crow because the top story this week is about the Salahis. You will remember Michaele and Tartiq Salahi, that couple of Gross Baboons who crashed the White House state dinner and went on to become America’s Next Top Douche Bags. Reports of her sexual prowess with singer Neal Schon from Journey have escalated to where we are embroiled in a geriatric-noir sexual caper of tremense proportions. Illicit photos, bed-hopping, kid-napping, all the things that middle-aged people should do in the privacy of their own home, not on TMZ. This reminds me of the song, not by Journey, rather, that minstrel song, Old Folks At Home. Feh.

Let's all sing, Swanee River a.k.a. Old Folks At Home

The other big Nobody Newzzz item involves the Hatfields & McCoys of Alaska a.k.a. the Palins versus the Johnstons. Seems like our boy Levi has written a book in retaliation to the one that Bristol wrote, trashing her ex. My biggest question is, neither of them can write, right? There is nothing Montague and Capulet about this saga, rather we seem to be tuned into a bunch of corn husking low-lives who play the media like a fiddle, as we twang away. In the tome, Deer In The Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin’s Crosshairs, such a brilliant title, Levi sets the record straight about sex, drugs sans rock ‘n’ roll. This quinella is a barrel of laughs and is definitely keeping Sarah Palin at bay from running for the White House. If you ask me, the whole thing is a Republican conspiracy to keep Rick Perry in the top spot for the Republican nominee. So many nobodies, so little time.

Sung to the tune of Laverne & Shirley One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Shapiro, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated. She’s gonna do it. Give her any chance, she’ll take it. Give her any rule, she’ll break it. She’s gonna make her dreams come true. Doin’ it her way. Will she go, won’t she go. I have a headache. Any way you slice it, the media is hanging on Lindsay Lohan‘s every move anxiously awaiting for her to speak. And just who she will she be spilling her guts to, besides her Twitter followers? Surely she has locked in some

Will she go, won’t she go. I have a headache. Any way you slice it, the media is hanging on Lindsay Lohan‘s every move anxiously awaiting for her to speak. And just who she will she be spilling her guts to, besides her Twitter followers? Surely she has locked in some big deal with a news source to bla bla about how afraid she is, and how unfair that judge was, and how annoying we all are. Well, I wish her well. Even when she is locked away, Lindsay will dominate the news. Every woman that so much brushes past her will come out of the klink with a TMZ story. So, if you think you’ve heard the end of Lohan while she is in the slammer, think again…’cause…

She’s only just begun….to live. White lace and promises. A kiss for luck and she’s on her way….

And as Lindsay goes on her merry way into the bull-dyke pit, here is that behind the scenes photo shoot shot by the Cougar Lesbian at the Complex shot.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pgZXnRAUEE

And while we’re at it, this is my favorite video of Lindsay Lohan shot by Yu Tsai for Muse magazine.

This is the least interesting update on the planet Earth. Earlier I wrote about the pending homosexual announcement of a major star on the cover of People magazine. Well, TMZ, (Lord knows they are the go-to site for realness) is claiming that they have solved the mystery and the person coming out of the closet is none other than…drum roll please…Chely Wright. Who? Chely Wright. Who? Chely Wright. You are kidding me that someone with such limited national appeal is making this tragic, overblown PR scam. Chely Whatever-Her-Name-Is is a friggen country western singer. Now, if she was coming out

The newest dyke in town is here. Chely (who gives a damn) Wright is the People story that everyone was buzzing about. I sure hope TMZ is wrong.

This is the least interesting update on the planet Earth. Earlier I wrote about the pending homosexual announcement of a major star on the cover of People magazine. Well, TMZ, (Lord knows they are the go-to site for realness) is claiming that they have solved the mystery and the person coming out of the closet is none other than…drum roll please…Chely Wright. Who? Chely Wright. Who? Chely Wright. You are kidding me that someone with such limited national appeal is making this tragic, overblown PR scam. Chely Whatever-Her-Name-Is is a friggen country western singer. Now, if she was coming out in the new magazine People Country, that’s one thing. But for her and her publicist to think that anyone is going to give a damn, and for that matter what she does ever again on Earth, including singing…think again. People better not have paid her more than one dime for this abomination, because if that is the case, they were hoodwinked. When Tom Cruise finally comes out, then I think that’s gonna be a big story for People. But besides him or Oprah….fotz.

HERE IS THE ITEM FROM EARLIER THIS WEEK…

Maybe Kahlil Gibran is the mystery homosexual back from the grave for this People cover scam.

There is some big hub-bub publicity scam in the winds related to a celebrity coming out of the closet on the cover of People magazine on May 5. The poetic decision to come out on Cinco de Mayo might mean that the mystery queen or mystery dyke might need to slam a couple of margaritas, fast, which makes perfect sense. Whoever this person is that hired Howard Bragman (15 Minutes Public Relations…if that) to make a mockery of their sexual preference can only mean that they are either:

The last time we had such a flurry of coming out-ness was in April 1997 when Ellen DeGeneres outed herself on the cover of Time magazine. Have we not evolved since then? Is coming out of the closet cover story news…still? Or just little kernels of dish for the blogosphere? What is so disheartening about this hoopla is that people are actually caring about who is coming out. And boy, wait till we see all the backlash, no matter who it is. There should be no judgment related to coming out because it is such a personal culmination. I just pity the celebrity that feels they are best served by slamming their puss on the cover of a magazine as opposed to just living their life with quiet dignity. And then if the press picks up on it…so be it. The gay community has several positive role models like Doogie HowserNeil Patrick Harris and Rosie O’Donnell. And after all this hub-bub…this better be a good celebrity or my list of choices above would be really, sadly obvious. And while we’re at it, truth be told, though Lindsay Lohan is a piece of work, she did not shy away from her love for Samantha Ronson…as psychotic as that relationship seemed. Lindsay never sold her coming out story to the media. Bad mouth her all you want, but that is the fact. So, let’s just see who comes marching out of the closet next week on the eve of my birthday. I do hope their little plan pays off for them really. Because we all know how hard it is to hedge your bets.

TMZ is reporting a sort of Chicken Little prophecy regarding the future of Lindsay Lohan. Her friends are very concerned that Linday’s partying is spiraling out of control and fear for her life. Well, whatever the case, I do hope that is not the case. Then again…who wouldn’t fall flat on their face in those ridiculous heels? Girl…Tory Burch flats for you.

TMZ is reporting a sort of Chicken Little prophecy regarding the future of Lindsay Lohan. Her friends are very concerned that Linday’s partying is spiraling out of control and fear for her life. Well, whatever the case, I do hope that is not the case. Then again…who wouldn’t fall flat on their face in those ridiculous heels? Girl…Tory Burch flats for you.