“24”: A primer

The greatest action/adventure/suspense/thriller on network television comes back to the air Sunday when “24” returns to FOX.

Now, there may be some of you out there who feel you can’t get into this show because you may have missed the last couple of seasons. That should not be a concern. This season starts as close to the beginning as you can start. But if you feel you need to know what’s happened before, just read the recap of “Day 5.”

I’m here though to provide you a primer of 10 things you must know if you are going to embark on this new day of hell with Jack Bauer.

1. Jack Bauer is the most dangerous man on the planet. Forget Chuck Norris. Too many terrorists have tasted death or torture at the hands of Jack. His enemies’ biggest mistake (and usually their last) is to not immediately put a bullet in his brain. They want to torture him and make him suffer and yadda, yadda, yadda. He always gets away and always gets them back.

2. Chloe O’Brian is almost as dangerous as Jack. She can do anything with technology. Give her a laptop and a wi-fi connection and she will get you wherever you need to go. She has the personality of a rock which makes her hilarious. But Jack would not be Jack without Chloe.

3. A warrant will be issued for Jack’s arrest. The government needs Jack. The government knows how much Jack has sacrificed for his country in five seasons. Yet at some point, a bureaucrat will get rubbed the wrong way or they have something to hide and they want Jack in custody.

4. The government is behind everything. Well, not everything. But there’s always some mole inside the government who is working against the interests of this country and, more importantly, the interests of Jack Bauer.

5. CTU has the WORST job screening process in the world. This is the Counter Terrorism Unit. Yet somehow, terrorists always seem to find a way to get a job inside this organization. And once inside they either plant a bomb, a virus, nerve gas or generally throw a monkey wrench into the operation.

6. Jack Bauer carries a satchel that rivals the bag of tricks carried by Felix the Cat. He always has at least one gun, two ammunition clips, a laptop and a PDA. an anything else he may happen to need at that moment.

7. Jack Bauer has the highest threshold for pain of any human on the planet. He spent two years being tortured in China. He cracked a rib last season and never slowed down. But the MOST IMPRESSIVE amount of pain Jack ever went through was heroin withdrawal in the first few hours of “Day 3.” He kicks heroin cold turkey in 3 HOURS! Let’s see Chuck do that.

8. The government gives immunity away like candy. Jack rarely gets to torture the information out of someone because those paddycakes from CTU always stop him by offering prosecutorial immunity to the person he’s about to tap with wires ripped out of the nearest table lamp. And for some reason, the attorney general is always available to write up the deal.

9. Jack’s cellphone/PDA/GPS never run out of juice. The man has the best battery systems of anybody. And you never see him plug things in to his little ashtray thing. They just always have all the juice they need.

10. Jack never eats, never drinks and never expels. If he does, the terrorists might get away.