Penn Satire, Since 1899

Area Man Only Washes Hands When Observed

Last Tuesday at 12:36 PM EST, a local man nonchalantly alluded to the fact that he only washes his hands when someone in the restroom is observing him.

Bob had previously been eating a pleasant lunch with coworkers before the unfortunate conversation bomb was accidentally deployed. Linda, the office germaphobe, searched for the travel hand sanitizer in her purse while Gene skootched his chair to distance himself from the monster.

“Our hands are supposed to be dirty, that’s how we build up a strong immune system,” said the man who took thirteen sick days when he fell ill with West Nile Virus last month.

“I don’t get what’s the big deal,” Bob claimed. “Urine is pretty sterile, I think.” Bob had learned this by watching Bear Grylls while waiting in line at the DMV.

“In fact, I think I’d drink my own pee,” said Bob, with no prompting.

After a moment of heavy silence, Bob looked to repair his ever-weakening reputation: “My personal rule is Number 2, scrub ’em down; Number 1, look around.”

It was then that Linda waved over the HR guy.

“I’m just saying, there are more germs on the door handle than there are on the toilet seat – that’s just science.” Bob was quickly losing his crowd.

“For the love of god, it can’t be any worse than scrolling through Instagram in one hand and wiping your butt crack with the other!”