7 Things I Need To Be A Better Housewife

I want to do things like my mom did. Does it make me a bad feminist or a total lame-o that lately all I want to do is start playing bridge with other ladies and learn how to construct a Baked Alaska? I keep thinking about how much better things seemed a few decades ago, and no, I’m totally not including the women’s or civil right’s movements in my sun-dappled daydreams about house dresses and cocktail parties, but I keep thinking about how life just seemed so much more fun for my parents than it did for me. Do you guys have barbecues with your neighbors? Are you meeting for weekly bridge games with the girls? Are you all playing poker without me and eating cucumber sandwiches? ARE YOU ALL GOING OUT DANCING? I never get to do fun stuff, and lately all the fun stuff totally includes taking a Sunday drive, preferably in a vintage Hermés headscarf and oversized sunglasses.

Who took all the housecoats? Why can’t I ever find vintage housecoats? Can we blame this on the hipsters? Why aren’t they making stuff like this anymore? How utterly chic are dresses with buttons that are also coats done in amazing patterns that you can wear with heels or sandals and just throw on and look fabulous for the school run? I know if you are a crafty type you can easily sew one of these up and there are tons of cool vintage patters for them but I am so barely able to even hand-sew a button back on. I demand the resurgence of housecoats.

I Want To Learn How To Play Bridge Or Mahjong Or Some Other Table Game

My parents always played bridge with people growing up, and I have no clue how to play Bridge or Mahjong and I can barely remember how to play Backgammon. But I want to learn how to play something that doesn’t involve me getting rid of tiny striped virtual candies on my cell phone. Because having company over to play one of these games usually also involves other fun things like….

I am a firm believer in cocktail hour, and my kids adore having tiny snacks and a seltzer and juice spritzer with a paper umbrella in it, but I need to start having cocktail hour on a more consistent basis. That’s right, I need to drink MORE ALCOHOL. I need more alcohol in my life. My alcohol-consumption now includes maybe having a glass of wine or two a week and getting really sleepy, which means my tolerance is way down. I want to learn how to start mixing better and fancier cocktails and making more impressive snacks to serve with them, not just mixed nuts and cheese and crackers.

I Need To Make Things Better Than Cheese And Crackers For My Cocktail Hour

Where is my fondue pot? Did you take my fondue pot? I need to start making fondue again. You probably do too. What could be better than dipping bread and vegetables into cheese? Cheese that has been simmered with wine? Basically, NOTHING. Here are some fondue recipes, and no, DO NOT tell me to go to that amazingly pricey Melting Pot chain restaurant because every time we go to there I leave and smell like someone dipped my clothing into a vat of peanut oil. Barf. I would rather make it at home and not at this chain restaurant. Plus, they never give you enough stale bread cubes for your cheese and you have to ask for more and the waitperson acts all put out by this and COME ON IT IS STALE BREAD GIVE A SISTER SOME DAMN EXTRA STALE BREAD.

I need to buy more foundation garments and start wearing them, because think what you want about old-school girdles, they are tight, they are hot, they are complicated to get on — they are sexy like whoa. And if you are a mom like me your tummy may no longer be one of your very favorite body parts and girdles suck all that mess in and are way sexier than Spanx. Plus, foundation garments are pretty cheap, and these days they come in all sorts of adorable colors and patterns. I’m totally pro-girldle. I’ll be sitting over here wearing one under my housecoat.

I Want To Find An Orange Lipstick That Doesn’t Look Stupid

Here you go, this is how my mind works, lately I am totally obsessed with orange lipstick. I bought the fancy shamancy J. Crew Face Stockholm lipstick made especially for Jenna Lyons and it looked AWFUL on me. It looked so bad on me that I think my husband actually hid it from me. But I still want an orangey-lipstick like my mom used to wear, and I think it was a Revlon brand. I don’t even know if they make it anymore and finding an orange that looks okay with my skin tone is proving near impossible so I may just haul ass into Sephora and make someone help me. At my advanced age I should have figured this out by now but noooo.

Mainly so I can start using the verb form of “hostess.” But because my house is STILL being worked on I haven’t had people over in ages, and I love having people over, especially when they have kids who are my kid’s ages so my kids can be kept busy whilst us adults socialize. I’m not talking about ape-ing some awful Mad Men-esque deal, but even just having company over for taco or movie night. Dinner parties are such a old-school thing to do, and more often than not we meet people out for dinner, but I enjoy entertaining at home. So, yeah, you, yeah you guys come over. And bring your vintage Jello molds, we can add vodka and make gigantic Jello mold fruit cocktail monstrosities and play bridge.