I (32m) just ended my relationship because of a dead bedroom. Feeling both guilty and relieved at the same time.

Well long story short we ended the relationship because of "many" reasons but to be honest my side of the break up was because of the bad/absent sex . It could be once a month or none a month and when we did it it just felt .... Wrong .... Like when only 1 person is trying.

I love her I do, but sex is important for me , I get cranky and in a really bad mod when we don't do it, and I didn't feel like living that the rest of my life.

Of course there are more reasons mainly "I'm too old for this shitty behavior from you" but those just added to the equation.

This is going to sound really cheesy. But intimacy to me, is emotional compatibility or being "in tune" with one another mentally. Sex can be a means for intimacy, but sex itself is not intimate. (Just as sex can be intimate, sex can also be detached, selfish, or disinterested. Sex can be had with literally anybody. And you can also have detached, selfish sex with your partner, which imo isn't intimate).

However, emotional/mental connection can be rare to find and hard to establish. But when you do have a connection with someone, it feels very intimate- a bond that is unique to you and the other person.

Big disagree for me personally. I think while intimacy is many things including sex I think that sex is one of the biggest aspects of intimacy in a relationship. You can choose to not have it included of course. But you also can't choose to deny your partner it and expect to still have a healthy relationship.

I (34f) ended an 8 year relationship (40m) for similar reasons two years ago. There were obviously a lot of factors, but the lack of sex was making me insane. Rediscovering my sexual nature and finding a partner who not only appreciates it, but nurtures and supports it has been one of the best experiences of my life. I am happier and more confident. I know more about who I am and what I need. Not willing to accept the shame and guilt of a sexless relationship anymore.

Don’t look back. You made the right call.

I (34f) ended an 8 year relationship (40f) for similar reasons two years ago. There were obviously a lot of factors, but the lack of sex was making me insane. Rediscovering my sexual nature and finding a partner who not only appreciates it, but nurtures and supports it has been one of the best experiences of my life. I am happier and more confident. I know more about who I am and what I need. Not willing to accept the shame and guilt of a sexless relationship anymore.

2 years ago I (35f) ended it with my then fiancé (31m) for all of those exact same reasons. He “was not that sexual of a person” (his words) and the lack of sex for 4 years had my self esteem at an all-time low. I’m not even overly frisky, I just like good passionate sex with my partner. I’d never go back to that. Best decision ever, can have sexy times whenever I want now. 10/10.

What she said: don’t look back you made the right call. And you will know it when someone else desires you.

A few years back on Reddit I read "When the sex is good, it's 10% of the relationship. When it is bad it is 90%." - that is absolutely true. If the sex is dissatisfying you'll probably fixate on it, but there are probably other problems in the relationship as well. If you have a good partner, and are able to connect in ways outside of just the sex, it's not really a big deal if one of you doesn't feel like having sex that night. It's important to find someone who's an overall better fit.

Not initially! I met a lot of men who claimed to have high libidos but, in fact, did not. It was still fun dating around and casually exploring what it was that I actually wanted in a partner because after years of nothing I honesty didn’t even know.

I believe you made the right choice. A friend of mine has sex maybe once a month with his GF of 5 years . And I asked him if he was okay with that but his answer threw me off a little. It almost felt like he’s just accepted it and will say sex isn’t all that important. Sex isn’t everything but it is important to a healthy relationship IMO. You don’t want to have that resentment towards your partner.

I remember feeling something a little different but along those lines.

It was very unsettling to have someone say, "Yeah, I find you attractive" but they don't really... show it... or want to do things you'd want to do with an attractive person, and not in the asexual way. The sum of those things missing is hard to quantify in a precise manner, but you know they're missing.

If the relationship is healthy then a lack of sex might not be as important. My ex-wife is an amazing person: a talented chef, interesting, passionate about things, everything that you'd look for in a potential lifelong partner, although her drive was pretty much through the floor. Even though it mattered a lot to me, when things were going fine, it wasn't as significant because everything else in life balanced it out, and it was acceptable that if I was going to have a life where I was cared for, loved, and everything else was great, even if the bedroom wasn't that good it wasn't such a bad way to live.

The problem was when things weren't going well for some time, then nothing balanced out that void. We stopped investing in "us" the instant we got married and instead we invested only in "her". That void become really obvious when the things that were important to me weren't being addressed both inside and outside the bedroom.

One of the comments here says, "what if you're married, kids, and a few years in the SO doubled in size?" Adult problems get adult solutions. You can still be a great dad or mum even if you're divorced. That's the contract that you enter when you get married - you'll have to work things out one way or another. A dead bedroom is part of that contract whether you like it or not.

Divorce is like getting laid off. It can be the worst of things for some people, but if you've ever gone through it, there's the other end of the spectrum as well. I've also been laid off and like the divorce, it was the best thing that could have happened to me at the time.

Couldn't be expressed in a better way... I feel so identified with the "invested only in her" and not only talking about sex but like only her problems mattered, only she was the one that could feel bad because my issues weren't important etc etc.

In any case adult problems require adult solutions and well that's why divorces are for (in the case they apply)

Hi! I have so many doubts about this. I had 2 long term relationships and both the bfs were the best sex of our lives... in the beginning. After 3 yrs is hard to be with the same drive (for me). We are doing repetitive shit and although I still desired them, we wouldn’t have sex so often. My doubt is, how you keep the bedroom after yrs? Recently we opened the relationship, I slept with another person and my sex drive is to the max, but he’s jealous, so I don’t know if that is the path. Any suggestions? We use toys sometimes, have fantasies, but in the end it’s the same shit over and over. And if I breake up every time of dead bedroom, I won’t have anybody “for life”.

No that's pretty much it. After a while it settles down into routine. I think the key is to let yourself go - a few years in, some people stop taking care of themselves. They get fat, they stop grooming, and that makes their partner not want to fuck them. As long as you're keep putting in the effort, things tend to work out.

I feel you made the right choice. Sex is not everything, but I believe sex is an important aspect in a relationship. I would probably do the same thing if I am in a very similar position. I hope you can find someone that you can be happy together with her in the future. All the best, stay strong.

Hey, man. I'm sorry that happened to you, and I hope you find someone who better matches your expectations. Do not feel guilty for this course of action. Sex is a crucial aspect of any relationship, and while love isn't solely based on sexual interactions, it's certainly an important foundation, along with trust and loyalty.

I want to share a bit from my own experience, maybe you'll relate to it.

I'm a male, 25. I dated a lovely girl during college. Let's call her Jennifer. Jennifer was the whole package: she was smart (physics/math major), driven, kind, beautiful, and in excellent shape. We never discussed sex at the beginning of our relationship; with previous partners, sex was something that didn't have to be discussed since it happened spontaneously.

One day in my college dorm, Jennifer and I get pretty far. She's wearing a summer dress and I ran my hands through every inch of her body. She gets very aroused (fast breathing, hot-to-the-touch skin, you get it), but she ends up pulling my hand from between her thighs. She then tells me she's a virgin, and that I need to be patient since sex was something that she'd been avoiding scrupulously: Jennifer's mother became pregant with her in college and ended up dropping out, so she didn't want to make the same mistake as her mother. I really cared for Jennifer, and I respected her reasoning, so I promised her I'd be patient, and that I'd ease her into it. She thanked me, and we agreed that in "a few months' time" she would be ready.

We make progress over the next few months. I meet her family. She meets mine. We go on road trips together, and in the moments of intimacy we had for ourselves, I managed to make her orgasm fingering her with her underwear on, and eventually, I even gave her oral sex. I like giving. I get pleasure from pleasing my partner, since I know women's bodies work differently from men's. However, we were six months in, and she was yet to reciprocate in any way. She never had even touched my penis, and every single time after making out and giving her oral sex or fingering her, she would just pull up her pants and call it a day. And you know how men's anatomy works, so I had blue balls every single time this happened, but yet, I waited, because I am a believer that true love is patient, and honest, and unselfish, so based on that principle, I gave her more time.

We're eleven months into the relationship, and she's naked on my bed, and I am all over her, but after I go down on her and finish her off she tells me that she's a very "moral person" and that she can't have sex with me until after she graduates, because it's a promise she'd made to her mother, and she meant to keep that vow. However, keep in mind that she was a junior in college still, so basically, she wanted me to waited another two years before we could have sex, and she tells me of this vow 11 months after being together, and 2 years after I first met her.

I loved this woman with passion. My priorities in college were first my grades, then her. I had no eyes for anyone else, and yet I couldn't do it. I gave her an ultimatum: two weeks to think about it. But her answer was no, and we broke up. I've never been more devastated in my life. I've had three surgeries, and I'd gladly swap the physical pain they caused me for the emotional havoc that Jennifer left me in.

I used to feel like a monster for the way things ended, for giving her only two options, but no more. I know I loved her. I do. Just as I know you loved your partner, but intimacy is a very crucial aspect, and it cannot be neglected. You did the right thing. You'll feel devastated and guilty for a while, but I swear to you you did the right thing. Like someone else said, find your own happiness, someone who's on a similar wavelength as you.

Thank you for sharing with me your story, I can relate to many things like the feelings you had for her however not in the "must wait" . We had sex many times but not even near to enough, and with her sex was either amazing or really bad (this being the majority of time).

Today and after a long night shift I feel pretty good actually, of course I miss many things but certainly I feel great about this, I really hope for me and her that we find the ideal partner that can relate with our priorities . Cheers!

Sorry man. If you mind me asking, How long was your relationship? And how long was the lack of sex going on for? My gf and I are slowing down since she’s ‘settled in’. Was it always like this or did it slow down? I’m a bit worried myself and am considering this too.

Almost 3 years and it has been like this maybe the last 2. To be honest is not like it went down bit by bit but more like the first year we didn't live together so we had to make time for sex and later we had all the time in the world but not the sex .

My first serious relationship turned into a DB, it sucks now but it will only get better from here on out. In my experience the DB was just a manifestation of other issues in the relationship leading to a disconnect (i.e. only 1 person trying).

I feel sooooo much better. I do not regret a thing. We are actually great friends now and he’s even living with me at the moment while he buys a house and I have no sexual attraction for him what so ever left unfortunately. (He’s a good looking dude but) All those years of nonsex take toll. I believe in the saying “you don’t use it you lose it”. So we broke up 2 years ago and only about a year ago I felt like I was ready to do some exploring... and can I tell you, I’ve found better sex elsewhere. It’s amazing what being wanted can do for you. I missed that. I now know how important sex is to me and I will NEVER give up my exclusivity without having a very compatible sexual partner. I don’t feel shallow or bad about it either. Sex is fun and life’s to short not to enjoy your body. Now, I don’t sleep around a whole lot because that’s not me either but I have a few stable sexual partners whom I enjoy very much. And like I said, my ex partner, I don’t wanna fuck him anymore at all. It’s “too late” as you will. No regrets, my needs are fullfilled and I’ve become happier as a result. I was really struggling there for a while in a relationship. People tend to downplay it to “you’re gonna give up the whole relationship because of sex?” (There were many other reasons too I should mention but they add up) my answer now is yes ma’am I will. An inner struggle with sex causes depression, irritability and all sorts of things. And when I am those things guess what kind of girlfriend I am? Not as good as I can be, I can tell you that much. No matter how hard you try that part(the sadness of missing sex) never goes away. And in our case it never got better, we tried so many things etc. next time, I will be with a partner who is booked extremely sexually compatible to me.

Actually we are still living together because well it is really hard for any of us to just move out because of money and other things but being honest I waaaay prefer it this way where we are roommates and friends but not in a relationship, of course it hurts and sometimes I feel like hugging her and kiss her but then I remember why I wanted to end it and the feeling is easier to fight.

Hahaha it’s always a happy ending trust me. But really, it can’t not be. Sex is a primal part of being human. It’s like being in jail. You feel better getting out.

And I totally understand what you are describing. We actually still were “intimate” for a while too, we would kiss and hug and everything for about a year after, but guess what.. even then - we ended up having (pretty great!) sex only 3 times in the last 2 years after we broke up. (Mostly out of “pain” if you know what I mean). It was just dwindling and the hurt and the pain makes it better and may reignite some of that stuff but it eventually all dies completely anyway because the hurt and the pain eventually goes away and you see very very clearly and there is almost no driving force to have sex with that person ever again. Sadly. But I know how you feel, I sympathize. Take your time, make it ok for yourself to get those comforting hugs and kisses and even if they do lead to sex remember “it’s not because things are getting better”, it’s because the driving force behind them has changed and will change again. Your pattern will most likely remain forever.

I totally understand what you mean, right now I feel zero attraction to her (sexually) and I am pretty sure that it would happen only if given time none of us finds something else and still it would be like "better that no sex at all" but something tells me that right after it happens it would be "now I remember why I quit" sounds rude but things are the way they are ....

Yeah actuAlly exactly what it is. It may be a little more passionate though because it’s “loss-sex” but other then that.. especially right after you’re like.. well now we go back to not doing it at all.. and you don’t lol.

I will try to remember to send you a message "you were right" when it happens. If you never get the message is basically because I have fish memory or I will still have my body in "sexual barrage" mode.

Sorry, man. Hope you keep your head up through it. Stay strong. I have a high libido and it’s the worst. I literally wouldn’t wish it on anyone. My longtime girlfriend is not against sex in any meaningful way but I get that she doesn’t wanna get fucked stupid everyday... and I am after that everyday. It must be fucking exhausting for her. 😔 I used to get hung up on shit like “why doesn’t she want me like I want her 😭” or dumbass stuff like “why don’t you ever initiate 🥺” I just need to not try to dick her down every time I am in the same room with her. 😂 I’m a fucking animal. SHEESH. Caveman shit.

Frankly not much. After lots of talking through it over years we figured it has something to do with antidepressants. I get it about once every other week as a gift which gets old after a while because she really doesn't want it. This is despite many efforts to teach her how to enjoy it more (she doesn't know her body and doesn't want to learn) doesn't want more than about 10 minutes with almost zero foreplay (just get the lube). Frankly I fake it a lot, or just say I'm tired, but appreciate the effort on her part knowing she doesn't care for it. If we didn't have kids I'm not sure I would still be trying.

I've been in your exact situation. Sometimes it really is best to move on no matter how much you love someone because some things just don't change. I ended up cheating with multiple other women and it made things really bad between us. It may hurt now but it's probably best for the both of you. Think about the long term. This is your life and you only get to live it once.

I have 3 kids after 8 years together and my wife is divorcing me. Its heartbreaking, soul crushing pain to know that I am losing such a large part of my identity but at the end of the day I dont know that 8 more years of this would make things better.

I feel the same way I mean I’m still so young and I know that I love her dearly but maybe when the hurt is over I can get a sense of who I was back and start a new chapter. It sucks but I feel it may be for the best

This is pretty much my life right now. Me and my GF have 2 kids together so it makes it even more difficult to end it. But I’m not happy and she doesn’t satisfy me in the bedroom. So idk if I should live this unhappy life or just end it. She’s already made it clear she’s not too worried about satisfying me in the bedroom.

I know it's hard, but dont stay for the sake of the kids.
I have 3 kids and stuck with my ex because of them and it only made me so miserable it started affecting everything not just sex we started arguing more etc which obviously the kids then picked up on and it got to a point whenever I went to bed I just wished I didnt wake up, that was my wake up call to realise I needed more than what I had, it's really difficult to do it, but you deserve to be happy and have someone you match well with.

I've met someone else now, and although had a bit of a rough patch lately everything has been so amazing and I think everyone deserves that

Kids know when you're unhappy. It's better for them to be with parents who are happy apart than parents who are unhappy together (as long as there's no fighting). If she doesn't want to work on it, and you are doing your best in the bedroom and outside of it, then don't feel guilty for leaving.

You are in your right to be happy, being divorced doesn't mean you will lack your kids and believe me when they grow up they would rather prefer that you guys divorced instead of being unhappy just for them.

I had a relationship end half a year ago and this was one of the reasons playing a role.

I never thought I’d find somebody who could match my libido. Met this girl by chance and she wants it more than I do. Talking about wanting round 2 almost everyday to the point where it’s even hard for me to keep up. So they’re out there lol. Good luck OP!

Don’t feel guilty. I assume this was a monogamous relationship. If your sex life isn’t being fulfilled (and is non existent) with the only person you declared you will have sex with for the rest of your life, that’ll just cause tons of problems.

I (26M) was in an 8-year relationship, my first and only serious one and the only person I've ever had sex with, and the bedroom having died was one of the reasons it ended a couple months ago. It's a really difficult decision to make when you still have a lot of love and respect for your partner and most other things in the relationship are still going well. I've been down the rationalizing path so many times in the past couple years, "why would you throw away a great partnership with an amazing person over something so trivial", but sex is not trivial in a relationship. It's a basic need, and it's not something you can sacrifice without causing great pain to yourself. And the lack of it causes a buildup of resentment and unhappiness towards your partner.