Coffee in three speeds

I’ll confess: I’m a coffee snob. I analyze flavors like some people study wines. I’m also an addict: I received four pounds of coffee for Christmas last year, which was almost enough to last until Groundhog Day.

I recognize that not everyone is in my addiction league, which is why I’m breaking this gift down into three categories. You can round out your gift with homemade cranberry or chocolate biscotti.

Training wheels: These folks are either just starting on their coffee adventures or trying to come back down to Earth after years spent wired.

A nice “breakfast blend” would be in order. Or maybe some flavored blends. You also could throw in flavored creamers. If they’re true novices, they’ll need it.

On a two-wheeler: An experienced drinker who hasn’t quite crossed over to addiction. Italian roast would work well, and Kona’s a good pick, too.

Flying down the freeway: Only the roughest, nastiest stuff that no normal human would touch will do. Coffee that can bench press. Espresso. French roast. Many folks like Sumatra, but, I swear, it’s still not strong enough for me.

You probably shouldn’t waste the biscotti on the hardcore addict – they’re so far gone a mere sugar buzz won’t touch them. Instead, add chocolate-covered espresso beans. And watch your hand as you give them the present – they’re probably in such a perpetual state of jacked-upedness that they’ll grab the gift and some of your digits as well.