Review of How to Survive an Affair by Dr. Frank Gunzburg

They may not lack for willingness, but most married couples
lack the psychological expertise to guide themselves through
the process of recovering from an affair. This is why marriage
counselors are popular.

But for some couples, seeing a marriage counselor is not
an option. Maybe it's too expensive and there's no insurance
coverage. Or maybe one spouse is unwilling to open up to a stranger...
or maybe the community is too small and privacy is impossible....

Scenarios like these require an alternative to counseling.

“How
to Survive an Affair” by Dr. Frank Gunzburg is an in-depth
program aimed at helping individuals and couples come to terms
with infidelity and rebuild their relationship into something
much better.

In the author’s experience, he has seen many couples heal
from wounds that were incredibly deep and then be able to reestablish
a relationship that is much better and more loving than ever
before.

With this program you get:

a 178-page manual that tells exactly what you need to
know -- and do -- to achieve individual healing and a restored
relationship

an optional 114-page workbook with exercises for each
spouse to complete

the benefit of Dr. Gunzburg’s experience spanning more
than three decades in helping couples learn to deal with
and overcome infidelity

This can all be yours for less than the price of one or two counseling
sessions.

Three Phase Recovery

The program is structured in three different phases that
a couple needs to follow to reclaim their loving relationship.
Dr. Gunzburg clearly explains that while one might be tempted
to go through only certain sections of the book, he advises
against it because each component has an important role and
to ignore it can lead to less than stellar results.

The first phase deals with individual healing, where the
reader learns to deal with their personal feelings regarding
the affair, how to restore trust in the partner and understanding
exactly what happened. This is the largest section when compared
to the other two and deals with both the injured party as well
as the cheater. Dr. Gunzburg actually advises people to read
each other’s sections, helping them to gain a better understanding
of what the other person is feeling and experiencing.

The next phase moves on to deal with healing as a couple.
Thus, Dr. Gunzburg helps guide couples so that they are ready
to start the healing process. He then teaches essential communication
skills to allow them to share their feelings with each other.

Last but certainly not least we have phase three, which is
the stage where the couple works on rebuilding the relationship.
This first requires that trust be restored. While this might
sound like it is simply a matter of accepting the past and moving
on, it’s quite a comprehensive process that needs to be done
right.

Getting In Touch with Reality

Dr. Gunzburg starts out by explaining how we are brought
up to believe in a fairytale, when it comes to relationships,
a fact that is as accurate as they come. After all, consider
all the fairytales and stories we are read as kids. None of
them have an unhappy ending but unfortunately, life generally
has little in common with fairytales.

Sadly, most of us find out in a less than pleasant way when
we are smacked across the face with life’s responsibilities
and disappointments, so we then discover exactly how complicated
life is and how little it has to do with a fairytale.

However, the good news is that Dr. Gunzburg has worked with
couples for over thirty years, bringing them back from the brink
of divorce and helping them to rebuild a relationship that is
even stronger and will stand the test of time. To this end he
explains that any couple can overcome the pain and turn their
relationship into a highly fulfilling and successful one but
this requires commitment from both partners.

The only way to start the healing process, though, is for
the couple to understand two fundamental principles. The first
is that the responsibility of the affair rests solely on the
shoulder of the cheater, but both partners will have to work
together to create a perfect relationship that is so much better
than previously.

Additionally, it is important to understand that this will
not be an easy process, and there is some hard work involved,
but if you follow the system outlined by Dr. Gunzburg, he promises
that you will obtain the relationship you have always dreamed
of.

Dr. Gunzburg goes on to explain that it important for the
injured party to understand that he or she is not alone in the
world. Affairs are much more common than people realize and
that’s just based on statistics that have been reported because
there are likely many more people who engage in infidelity but
do not admit it to it.

However, the good news is that Dr. Gunzburg has found that
the number of couples that have overcome and healed from an
affair is even higher than most people ever expect. This is
a positive sign that things can be healed.

The First Phase: Individual Healing

The first phase of Dr. Gunzburg’s program focuses on personal
healing, essentially dealing with the affair and learning to
get over the pain. Most of this phase is dedicated to the injured
party but there are some sections that are meant specifically
for the cheater. The author recommends that both parties read
each other’s sections to gain deeper insight into the ‘what’
and the ‘why’.

The first thing most injured parties do is they try to externalize
everything by understanding what went wrong. They ask all the
typical questions, covering what, why and where. Dr. Gunzburg
claims that this need to understand stems from the fact that
we hope the answers will make us feel better. Unfortunately,
nothing is further from the truth, which is why the doctor recommends
that we first start by looking within and gaining a better understanding
of our own feelings and emotions.

For example, the doctor explains that the injured party’s
reaction to the affair will come in different emotional waves
and four of the biggest emotional roadblocks to healing will
include jealousy, uncertainly, shape and loss of hope. Dr. Gunzburg
provides extensive tools and strategies to help people deal
with all these issues and much more in the first phase.

The Second Phase: Healing Together

The second phase is dedicated to helping people heal as a
couple. This is why this phase requires couples to take a close
look at how they function as a unit.

As it should be expected, since communication is one of the
most important components of healing and of a relationship,
this book provides a wide selection of strategies that can be
implemented to establish effective communication. The problem
is that infidelity essentially shatters the lines of communication,
making it difficult for the partners to talk to one another.

However, without any form of communication, there is absolutely
no way for healing to take place, which ultimately leads to
the fact that the relationship cannot be rebuilt. The author
shows how important it is to understand how your partner is
feeling by putting yourself in their position, by understanding
their perspective. Dr. Gunzburg also stresses that it is imperative
to accept the past and move on, providing strategies on how
this can be achieved.

Dr. Gunzburg stresses the fact that relationships fail mainly
due to neglect and by understanding the ten critical dimensions
of a relationship it makes it much easier to rebuild a great
relationship. This is because each partner can specify in which
area they feel the most neglected, allowing the other partner
to do something about it. The more fulfilled each partner is
in every dimension, the better the relationship will be.

The Third Phase: Rebuilding Your Relationship

The focus of the previous phases has been to clear away emotional
baggage and provide you with a set of tools designed to help
you communicate effectively. So, Dr. Gunzburg feels that it
is now time to apply those communication techniques you learned
about.

In this section Dr. Gunzburg looks at an important range
of issues including how to become completely transparent to
rebuild trust, which is the foundation of any relationship,
how to deal with conflict and even how to put the spark back
into your sex life. The author also provides strategies to help
the injured party accept the affair so that they can move on
together and start rebuilding their life.

One very interesting aspect of this book, besides how thoroughly
it tackles each topic, is that throughout the book we follow
two semi-fictional couples as they go through all the stages
and processes described in the book. The examples translated
into real life make it easier to apply them properly in one’s
own life. This can be especially useful with abstract concepts
and also paints the path you will likely have to follow.

“How
to Survive an Affair” is certainly not a light read. It’s
very detailed and in-depth, designed to really help couples
understand the mechanics of what went wrong and how to make
it right. It draws on the practical experience of a man who
has spent his life helping couples get past an affair.

You have to expect that you will deal with many issues that
will cause a lot of pain, but the fact that you can rebuild
your relationship into something much stronger is well worth
the anguish. You will examine feelings and emotions, from jealousy
to hatred to helplessness, but you will push through all the
negativity and come out the other side a better and stronger
person.

As Dr. Gunzburg says, recovering from an affair and rebuilding
your relationship is not easy and is something that will take
time and effort. But it will be more than worth it when in the
end you have a relationship that is much stronger, more fulfilling
and more loving than it ever was in the beginning. You simply
have to be committed to doing what it takes, even when you think
what you are doing is a waste of time.

Once you have committed yourself and worked through something
as traumatic as this as a loving couple, you will be able to
achieve anything together, including rebuilding an amazing relationship.

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