Tag Archives: husband

The one thing about moving into a new house that I absolutely love, is going through boxes of the memories created over the years. Today my husband was organizing the garage and brought me a few boxes to go through. One was filled with photos of the kids and their schoolwork. I spent over an hour looking through those pictures. I smiled ear to ear as I pulled every photo out and remembered exactly what they were doing or where they were when it was taken. It seems just like yesterday I had four children, under the age of 12. Long before the years of teenage angst, teen hormones, attitudes, drivers licenses, first girlfriend/boyfriends, proms, and graduations. Now I have 3 adult children, what used to be the baby is going to her first prom, and I have another baby girl I never dreamed I would’ve or could’ve had! But that’s the thing about memories….there are good, and bad ones. And just as I was busy celebrating all of my good ones, a bad memory was there to slap me in the face!

After over an hour of looking and reminiscing, one of the last picture envelopes I opened took me by surprise and I gasped! Not because it was photos I hadn’t seen before, but because it was photos I haven’t made a habit of looking at. They were photos taken by a relative during a horribly bad time in our lives, but somehow she knew one day, we would need them for closure.

Those photos took me back to being 21. I was married with a 22 month old son…a stay at home mom…when my whole world came crashing down around me! During that time everything was a blur. I don’t remember much. I remember the doctors harsh words, holding my husbands hands and talking to him. I remember the people coming in and out of our home…I can’t tell you who they were though. I remember boycotting food for 5 days…until December 31, 1994…The day I found out I was expecting our second child. And I remember the first bit of nutrition i fed myself after that 5 days, a banana, because the baby would need me to be healthy.

People may wonder why I have those photos or the video tape of his eulogy…it’s simple…he had a son, and unknown at the time, an unborn daughter. I owed it to them, to give them the option of being a part of the funeral if they chose to be when they were ready. My son was too young to understand at the time, so he stayed at home. I remember his first words when I came home…”Mommy, where’s daddy?”

I took a deep breath and looked at my sweet, innocent baby boy and said, “Daddy’s in heaven with God and the Angels!” The same sentence I repeated for years every time he asked, until he finally gave up and stopped asking. I honestly can’t tell you which was worse, saying those words over and over or the day he stopped asking.

Which brings me to my original reason for this post. My son is 25 and my daughter is 22 now. I can’t imagine having to watch either of them go through something like this at their age now. But what I can tell you, is as their mother, I’ve watched them go through it as children their entire lives.

We live in a tight knit community. Most people know my first husband and what happened. They will also speak about rumors on what they think REALLY happened, not thinking about how it may affect my kids or other loved ones. I’ve dealt with being judged for making wrong decisions during the time when my grief was so blinding, I couldn’t see what was clearly a bad decision. But with every bad decision comes a great memory, or in my case child 3 & 4! I’ve watched this town and it’s people put pressure on my son to be someone he was not, just because of his name. And the same people can somehow “forget” my daughter even exists, just because she doesn’t share the same first name! It took years for my son to truly find himself and become the man he was always meant to be. He is strong willed, compassionate, soft-hearted, tender and caring. He still has those that doubt him, but trust me when I tell you, his dad would be SO proud of the man he has become! It has not always been an easy journey, but I’m SO thankful he chose me to take it with him…the good and the bad!

And to my daughter…our last gift….what can I say but WOW! You have surpassed all of my expectations and more. You are so strong and courageous. As a small child I would catch you watching videos of your dad or looking through pictures…you know him inside and out! I still remember him saying, “I don’t want to have a girl! And if we do, she better be fat and ugly so the boys won’t want to date her or else I may go to jail!”

I said, “That’s what we have Little Pit for!” 😀

And from the first moment I laid my eyes on you, I knew his wish didn’t come true….you were the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen!

So, somewhere out there, there is another single mother making memories with her beautiful children, and sure making some mistakes along the way, but I hope that like me, she can one day look back on the bad times and know the good memories cast so much light in her life, the bad ones don’t seem so dark.

2016 seemed to fly by so fast! When we got orders to Washington State at the end of 2013, 2016 seemed like an eternity away! I willed time to speed by, and time being EVER so gracious, did just that! As mid point 2016 approached, I found myself begging time to slow down! As a family, we had grown accustom to our surroundings in Washington. We got use to seeing our extended family only via FaceTime or during our annual trip to Florida during the summer. We made wonderful, lifelong friends, we weren’t ready to say goodbye to. And June 2016 would mark another huge milestone for our family, with Makailyn graduating from high school. She would be the first to graduate somewhere other than my alma mater, FBHS! But as they say, time marches on, and so did she. She marched across the stage with our immediate family cheering her on, as well as her granny, memaw, and papa, who had flown in for her special day! And thankfully, those who were unable to make the trip, they were able to log in and watch via live feed!

After graduation, we said our goodbyes and headed out across he country. We traveled down the west coast and enjoyed sight seeing through The Sequoia Forest. The trees were absolutely gorgeous, a work of art courtesy of Mother Nature! We spent one day in SAN Francisco. We walked across the Golden Gate Bridge and took photos. We even drove by the Full House, house, where we discovered we weren’t the only tourists still obsessed with the Tanners! We drove into LA and Hollywood and became typical tourist! We even enjoyed a Hollywood tour in which we tormented Meadow, telling her every house was Justin Bieber’s!! We spent a day at Venice Beach watching the kids play in the water and walking along the boardwalk. We even enjoyed the freak show! Traffic was indeed horrible, especially pulling a Uhaul trailer behind us, but it was well worth it!

They loved our Maltese, Kingston, at The Freak Show!!

We left California and headed into Vegas! To say it was hot is an understatement! It was 115 degrees and being outside felt like you were literally cooking. The heat hampered our sightseeing, but Makailyn, granny, and I did get to enjoy The Thunder From Down Under! Front row seats and they were worth it! Granny and Makailyn had never been so now they are able to cross that off of their bucket list! The next day we went to The Secret Garden and happen to run into Siegfried! The girls had no idea who he was, but he was nice enough to take a picture with them! Meadow got to take pictures with a dolphin. In spite of the heat, we enjoyed our time in Vegas.

Our next stop was Oklahoma to see my parents on our way through. We stopped by and saw Grandpa Kenneth’s gravesite like we do every time we visit Oklahoma. This time was the first time we were able to visit Nanny Joy’s gravesite. She is buried next to my cousin Dustin who passed away from cancer as a young boy. It was bittersweet. I’m glad we had the opportunity to see her final resting place, but oh how I wish we could be sitting at her dining room table, playing a game of Farkle or Yahtzee instead!

The final two days of our trip were a blur. We were exhausted from our trip and ready to see the Florida sign! Pulling across the Florida state line felt oh so nice!

We’ve spent the second half of 2016 getting reacquainted with our Florida lives. Some things have changed and some things have stayed the same. During our time away, I’ve learned a few things. I learned who my true friends are, and who are just really more like acquaintances. I’ve learned who I can count on and who is really just out for themselves. I’ve learned for some, out of sight, is really out of mind. I’ve learned distance does make the heart grow fonder, if the relationship is strong to begin with! I’ve seen first hand, some people only want you in their lives if they need something from you, but if you need them, they are too busy to care. I’ve learned some of your best friends will still love you even if you haven’t called them because 3 hours time difference messes up your chat schedule, and the only time you can talk, they can’t, so they will settle for Facebook comments and likes from you without getting their feelings hurt, because like you, they KNOW how much you love them!!! My girls know who they are!!! 😘😘

2016 ended with Chris and I celebrating our 10 year Anniversary! Every day I look at him I wonder how in the heck I got SO lucky!! He’s an amazing husband and to top it off, he’s an incredible, loving father!! What more could a girl want!! 😍❤️

I’ve learned that family is the most important thing in the world. If you want your family to make you a priority in their lives, you better be willing to make them a priority in yours. You can’t sit back, complain and be jealous of the relationship other family members have with each other, if you aren’t willing to make an effort on your own. Stop being a victim, make an effort and enjoy your family while they are still around to do so! Life is too short to waste your time on petty feuds and unspoken words! Live today like it’s your last!

I am so blessed to be home in Florida, surrounded by family and friends. My resolution for 2017 is to focus less on the things I can’t change, and be happy with what God has blessed me with! I mean, seriously….have you seen my kids?!? Those are seriously some pretty incredible humans I gave birth to!

Pit will start 2017 walking through an adventure I’m sure he never thought he would embark on! As he turns 24 in February, I can honestly say, as a mom, I’ve raised an incredible young man with a good head on his shoulders! He’s been on more adventures in his short life than many dream of, and I can’t wait to see where 2017 takes him! Kailee–Lane will start her final semester of Paramedic school in North Carolina and will graduate in May! She works as a waitress, goes to school full time and enjoys her time in clinicals. I love her phone calls telling me all about her day! Time will tell whether or not she will continue to call North Carolina home, or if Florida calls her back! We sure do miss her around here, but I am SO proud of my independent young lady! Her strength and drive amazes me! Makailyn is enrolled in online classes at FSCJ and is working as a waitress. She’s venturing out into the world one step at a time, deciding where life will take her! She has big dreams and a bright future ahead of her, and no matter where her heart may land, I know she will always be my happy girl! Meadow will turn 15 in 2017 and finish up her Freshman year in High School! She left Fernandina Beach in 6th grade for 2 1/2 years and came back a beautiful, confident, young lady! She knows what she wants and expects out of her life and the people in it, and she will not waste time on anything less! She’s definitely strong-willed and tough, with the right amount of sweetness and charm! And let’s not forget, she’s an absolute makeup fanatic! 😀 She closed out the first half of her Freshman year on the honor roll and has set big goals for herself and her future! I’m excited to watch her continue to grow and achieve all of her dreams! And last but not least, we have little Miss Everleigh! She is a 3 year old, little mini teenager! She has watched and mimicked her sisters every move for the last 3 1/2 years! From her obsession with lipstick, selfies, sassiness, hands on her hips and the infamous eye roll, she’s got the role of “teenager” down pat! 😀 Before moving back, I worried Everleigh would be less than friendly to family and friends since we moved when she was 5 months old and she was pretty much secluded except for our immediate family! NOT in the least!!! She never meets a stranger!! She absolutely loves her brother Pit and cousin Dylan, which somehow she now has claimed as her brother as well! 😂 she adores “Aunt Saucy” AKA, Aunt Sylvie! But, no matter how many new faces she meets, she will run up and hug them whenever they are leaving. She is smart enough to recognize family when she sees them! She is taking dance and is in cheerleading! She loves to dance around the house with her current favorite, The Trolls soundtrack!

2017 will most certainly be a great year for our family! My parents are building a house which should be finished in February, and will be moving back to Florida from Oklahoma! And if that wasn’t great enough, our house is being built right next door and should be completed in May! We have been so unsettled since moving back, planning and waiting for our dream home to be complete! But the one thing I’ve learned, anything is possible as long as you have your family and friends by your side! Thanks for making 2016 a year to remember! 😘😘

I recently went to my attorneys office and got back all of the evidence and paperwork related to my attack in 2005. There are police reports, pictures, blood-stained clothes, and an endless pile of paperwork, including depositions and statements given throughout the years. One night, about 2 weeks after I picked it up, I was up suffering from insomnia and there it sat….in the corner, staring at me, begging me to begin the long journey into that dreadful night. I knew it wasn’t going to be pleasant. I knew it was going to end with me being angry, hurt, and feeling betrayed all over again, but I KNEW I had to look through it and get it over with.

This will be one of a few blogs dealing with what I found in those files that night. But this blog in particular, I’m going to focus on one thing and one thing only….the “witnesses” to the attack. Now, I will be politically correct and save myself the hassle of being threatened with legal action of libel and slander, and I will leave out names, however, they are all public record if you really want to know that bad. It’s not really important for the story though. The only importance is their role in the non-prosecution of my attacker.

So, we have my two friends who witnessed her attack me, but didn’t actually see the bottle, because one of her male friends grabbed my male friend, which was also my friends boyfriend, when he tried to stop the attack. Therefore neither of my witnesses actually saw the bottle, only the altercation, and the result of the altercation. This allowed the States Attorney to fall back on a technicality, and not prosecute her. No, they didn’t see the bottle, but they saw her on top of me and what I looked like after she was pulled off of me! Then you have my estranged husband. (Now ex husband) He claims initially that I started the altercation, but never saw the bottle, but doesn’t know who touched me or who cut up my face! (Per his statement under oath to a judge) He also stated under oath, she was on top of me!

Then we have a female witness, a friend of hers. She states under oath to a judge states “I was holding my friend up by her belt so Kenna-Joy couldn’t pull her down on top of her (didn’t I say all along I was on the ground??) but when he judge asked her under oath, she also didn’t see he bottle or who cut my face or my chest!

Next we have a male witness, also a friend of my estranged husband at the time. A single man whom I knew well. There is no statement from him in the police report, but there is a statement later during an apparent formal interview that I nor my witnesses were NEVER advised of! This was dated April 3, 2005…. really….over a month AFTER the incident! These statements were taken after the injunction for protection had been issued as well!! So after over a month, the injunction was already issued and my witnesses had given their statements, the officers gather her witnesses, all of which arrived with her to the event, and question them. Of course her female witness states I was very intoxicated and she herself was afraid of me and not my attacker! (My attacker was her friend!) The single male friend, also a fire fighter, says I was the clear aggressor and the defendant would NOT have attack had I not approached her! (Hmm..wonder why he didn’t give a statement saying those words the night of the attack? Sounds to me like he was persuaded!)

Now, the final witness I would like to address, is the married fireman. The good ole buddy of my estranged husband. You see, this man basically fell off the face of the earth when this went down! I called him to ask him why he didn’t give a statement to the police and he said he didn’t know she was stabbing me or he would’ve beat the shit out of her! See, he was the guy who pushed my male friend down, my friend who tried to help me! Neither the married fireman nor the single fireman showed up in court to testify in behalf of my attacker or my estranged husband during their injunction hearings. But both gave a statement in some secret meeting I knew nothing about! Why would this married man be SO worried about me finding out about his statement to the police? Why would he not give the same statement in court to help both my attacker and husband in court if it was the truth?

Two reasons! First, during this investigation, all parties were called down to a meeting with their superiors. It seems the fire department was conducting its own investigation…off the record, of course! The married male fireman is married to someone with family higher up in the fire department hierarchy. This whole situation most likely didn’t sit too well with the family. Secondly , the estranged wife, me, knew too much! I’m quite sure he was extremely nervous about pissing me off, especially when it came to marital affairs! It seems he wasn’t so careful when he was intoxicated one night when he was out with us and his wife was in Disney with their daughter! I’m sure he didn’t want me to let it slip to his wife about the new teacher friend from Callahan he met that night in the bar! I’m sure it wouldn’t have gone over very well! But that was years ago, so we should all be over it by now, right? I’m sure he wouldn’t care if she put 2 + 2 together, right?

Needless to say, there were a lot of uncovered secrets in those files, and I’ve just barely scratched the surface!

My ex-husband got married today. It’s his 3rd wife. I suppose I should feel some sort of way, but I just don’t. At this point it’s almost comical. And before my critics go on their rant blasting me to God and everyone, YES, I’ve been married four times, BUT I am a widow, a domestic violence survivor, and was lucky enough to make it out of my 3rd marriage from above mentioned adulterous husband with MOST of my self esteem intact! Thank God for my amazing fourth husband of almost 10 years who continues to lick my battle wounds of relationships past! So go on critics….speak your lies….try to make yourselves relevant…who gives a crap, my blog is not intended for you anyway!

So, where was I? The ex….yea, so he got married….again! (YAWN) If I was a betting woman, I would say this won’t be the last! He will be bored in 2 years and those blue eyes will wander….just a matter of time.

I gotta give this one props though. You see, back when we were married, his mistress was SO important to him. He left his family for her. Almost failed his Engineer test because of her. He put his job on the line by lying for the stupid bitch. But when push came to shove, the injunction I held against her for stabbing me allowed me also to have our divorce papers include no contact between his mistress and our daughter….EVER! Well, apparently, mistress number one wasn’t nearly as important to him as she thought she was. That was the end of their relationship. I was told he would NEVER give up his child for a woman!

Fast forward 11 years later. Mistress number two, who today became wife number 3, must’ve been WAY better than mistress number 1! The same man who couldn’t imagine giving up his daughter for a woman has now turned his back on his only child! And why? Because parenting is hard. Because his daughter is holding him accountable for his actions. Because his daughter threatened the relationship apparently more important than his own flesh and blood! And what was this threat?? The threat of the truth! He didn’t want his future wife to know the truth. The truth about his past that could change the way she saw him and their relationship.

Prior to our marriage, my ex told me his father said to him, make sure this is what you want…marriage is a one time thing!! His father is a man of God….a Deacon in the church. But yet this man has stood up two more times before God and other witnesses and allowed his son to stand before God and his peers and lie! He has stood by and allowed him to speak vows of untruth, and continues to support him time and time again. And for 6 weeks prior to the wedding today, not one word from the paternal grandparents. My daughter has been cut off from the entire family. She has been outcast because she had the nerve to speak the truth and hold her father accountable for his actions. These people that stand before God every week in church and proclaim to be holy! The Devil was once an Angel. Christianity should begin at home. If you don’t practice true Christianity within your own family, how can you preach it to others within the church walls??

So, while I have no emotions regarding the marriage, I do have emotions regarding my daughter. I can’t change who her family is, I can only help her cope with what she was given. She is angry, and YES SHE HAS ISSUES THANKS TO THAT FAMILY, but I will do everything in my power to let her know it’s not her fault! It’s his loss, she’s a great kid! She’s extremely bright, sassy, smart-mouthed, hard-headed, stubborn, and relentless…and yes, she gets ALL of that from ME!! BUT, that coldness that she uses to cut those she pissed at, yea, she gets THAT from the paternal side…enjoy it!

5 weeks! That’s how long my daughter endured silence from the paternal side of her family. No calls, no texts, no social media likes or comments….5 weeks of being ignored! And the night before the first day of school, the silence was broken! The night before she starts High School…in a new place….with no real friends yet….with nerves about the next day looming….and finally a text comes through after 9 pm! Was it from her dad? Oh no, of course not! It was from her cousin wanting to know what was going on and why she wasn’t attending her dads wedding this weekend.

My daughter explained her side of the story and told her she didn’t know when or where the wedding was. She had no clue prior to the text from her cousin when he was getting married. So instead of being understanding, her cousin told her she should apologize to the family and go to the wedding!!! WTF??? No seriously…..WHAT…THE….FUCK???? My daughter said he should be the one apologizing since he was the adult. In summary of the texts that went back and forth, she basically told my daughter she would regret not going, but my daughter declined her invitation to pick her up Saturday for the wedding.

Now, I’m sure she was put up to texting her so I really don’t blame her. When I was a young woman, I was naive and did believe almost everything my parents told me too! But timing is everything. Tomorrow will be stressful enough for my girl without her having this to deal with, but according to her cousin, maybe I should be more concerned about her fathers stress level as he’s SO stressed with this wedding!! NOT!!

Here’s the thing. I’ve contemplated many times why I married him. I knew how he was with women before me, and yet I still dated him. And when he asked me to marry him, I felt SO special, because after all, he NEVER married the OTHER women! (sarcastic) I quickly found out I was NOT special or lucky, but oh so unlucky! Lesson learned. Then he married again. I often wondered how she could’ve overlooked what he had done to me. The cheating, the lying, the crazy mistress he kept screwing after she stabbed me….I found out the story was twisted, but I only found out after he cheated on his 2nd wife too!!

So my question tonight is simple. If you are the potential 3rd wife of a man with his history. Even if he lies about me and denies any part of the affair with my attacker, he can’t deny his affair and cheating on his 2nd wife, because the potential 3rd wife was his mistress!! So…Miss almost 3rd wife….you were his mistress….you won….broke up his marriage to his second wife. I’m sure you think you are SO special, right? Can you explain how a man can walk away from his ONLY child without a second thought? His own flesh and blood that he helped create….he cut ties with her because she pissed him off!!! So, if he can do THAT to a CHILD that is his own, what in the hell do you think he can and will do to you and your children???

I may have been SO stupid when I was in love with him, but I can tell you this! If he had a child, and he refused this child for any reason whatsoever, there would be NO relationship, much less a wedding! Any man that willingly blocks a child from calling them and texting them has a heart of ice. He has blocked off his emotions so he can’t feel love! If I were you, I would run the other way as fast as you can! If not, if you are so determined to tie the knot, keep your finances separate. Make him sign a prenup! Don’t buy a house in both of your names! You, my dear, are his one way ticket to an easy retirement! Florida is a 50/50 state. Do your homework before you say “I do”

And let’s talk about those vows for a moment, shall we?

“For better or worse” –I hope you or your kids don’t get sick, he doesn’t “like” hospitals…ask his mommy! He will leave any chance he gets and complain the entire time he’s there, regardless of how serious the situation is. Even if it is for his own child.

“For richer or poorer” –As long as you keep making money, he will keep saving his!

“In sickness and in health”–“Not only does he not “do” hospitals, but even pregnancy freaks him out!

“Love and cherish you”—you and anyone else who strokes his ego!

I am assuming you are blinded by love temporarily. And, if I’m wrong, then you must be just as ice cold as he is, because no woman, much less mother would allow a man she claims to love start a life with her knowing he has cut ties with his only child! And if that’s the case, then I wish both of you a life full of nothing but the best hell has to offer!! F**K you both!

After a long hiatus, I’m back! It’s not that I want to take the time off from writing, trust me when I say there has been plenty of things to write about, but I had no choice! I had shoulder surgery almost 6 weeks ago and up until now, I was unable to reach my keyboard with my left hand without being in a lot of pain! Thanks to physical therapy, I am now able to share all of my thoughts once again! I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not! Ha ha! My blogs weren’t always welcomed from those who found themselves the subject matter of said blog! Oh well! I’m here to speak my mind and write the truth, not to appease others, so to hell with the haters!

It’s been hard staying away from blogging! Over the past few weeks, I had these thoughts that kept swirling around in my head just waiting to find themselves published here. All in good time. I haven’t forgotten what needs to be said. I haven’t forgotten the issues that my family has been through. Trust me, it hasn’t been pretty around here! Some people never change!

Enough of that for now. My sweet husband has been gone now for about 2 weeks! He left me….ha! No, not like left me, left me….but he left me to move to Florida. He had to report mid April which will leave me as a single parent once again until graduation in June. It will be worth it though. We would’ve been the most selfish parents in the world if we would’ve moved our daughter back to Florida at the end of her Senior year! Although it’s a sacrifice being a single parent AND being a single parent dealing with a painful recovery due to shoulder surgery, she is worth it! That’s what being a parent is all about….sacrifice for the sake of our children. Some people need a lesson in sacrifice, but my husband, fortunately, is a pro at it! He misses us terribly and FaceTime is our best friend, but he wouldn’t have it any other way! He will fly back in time for graduation and to move us back across the country! I’m excited for what the future holds for us as a family. I can’t wait to be back to normal again!

More than anything in the world, I’m most excited about being close to our family once again. Being away from our extended family has been difficult. We were so accustomed to having a wonderful support system in Florida. We have made some great friends here, lifelong friends, that will forever be a part of our lives, but I miss my older two kids. I miss my Sunday dinners. I miss our weekends spent together by the pool or cooking out! I just miss being together! Although my oldest daughter will still live 7 hours away, she will still be just a car ride away from us. A weekend trip here and there will be so much better than a once a year flight to Seattle! My kids mean the world to me and to have them all under one roof again, laughing and talking, is a dream come true!

I do have the most beautiful kids ever….I mean, just look at them! Who wouldn’t want to be surrounded by them everyday!

Until next time,

Hugs and kisses to all my readers! My normal bitchy self will be back soon, I promise! Today I just felt a little sentimental! XOXO

After spending over 90 days apart, my husband finally made it home yesterday! This patrol was particularly hard due to him leaving before the holidays and missing all of our children celebrating Christmas together under one roof! He celebrated his birthday on the boat without his family. Our anniversary was spent apart this year, but he was always in my heart! We also had very little contact during this patrol. Not receiving a lot of email can be particularly hard when you are trying to maintain a parental relationship by keeping your spouse informed of the happenings in our kids lives! He missed our sons birthday! He missed out on the entire cheer competition season, which will be the last for Makailyn! He also missed her 18th birthday and even though his boat pulled in the same day, he missed her Senior Year cheer banquet as well!

If you’ve never had the experience of being separated from your spouse due to military deployments, it’s hard to fathom how intense it can be. It’s funny how everything in this house is just better with him around. I have been a single parent before and was pretty successful at it, including putting myself through nursing school as a single mom, but this is different! I don’t want to be a single parent! I don’t want to face the day to day parental decisions on my own. I love being able to share it with my husband. Since he is a submariner, it isn’t as easy as picking up a phone, or skyping him just to see his face. We literally go months without hearing his voice and weeks without any email. Sometimes, by the time I send out and email and he is able to respond to any issues I’m dealing with, those issues have either been resolved or have amounted to new, bigger issues!

This is the life I chose to live with him. I wouldn’t have it any other way, because that would mean I wouldn’t have him! This is who he is and I love him for it! I am proud of him for sacrificing his time with us to do his job. It’s not easy on him…he misses out on so much with all of us! He comes home and a lot has changed. Everleigh is talking more clearly than when he left and you can see the “baby” in her slowly slipping away, but for him, it happened suddenly! We all have to make adjustments to make the transition go smoothly, but it’s worth it just to have him!

This was his last patrol for the next 3 years! He is heading to shore duty….a much needed break for our family! Every email I received during this patrol he talked about how much looked forward to spending quality family time with all of us. Being able to plan a family vacation without the fear of the boat schedule being changed and ruining those plans, and just being a normal dad that gets to come home every night to his family! I’m looking forward to spending every night snuggling in bed with my love! Last night I was wide awake listening to the sound of him breathing beside me….the most comforting sound in the world! I can’t imagine my life without him, and lucky for me, he feels the same way. He will always and forever be the other half of my heart! I’m so glad he found me on the dance floor, and never took no for an answer! 🙂 I love you Mr. Berry! I can’t wait to make up for all of our missed anniversaries with our biggest one yet….number 10 baby!! You+me is all I will ever need!

December 2004 was the first time I had ever attended therapy as a couple. I had been to therapy previously when my first husband passed away, but never as a couple. When I made that appointment, I had hope in my heart. I really felt like this would be the answer to our marital issues. I knew how deep my love for my husband ran, and I knew I was willing to do anything to make our marriage work. Whenever I fell in love with him, I gave him 100% of my heart. I loved him no matter what. I loved his faults, I loved his quirky grin, I loved his weird giggle, I loved the way he told a story, and I loved his skinny frame. He didn’t need to do anything special to impress me…I loved him just the way he was. And that should’ve been enough to make it work, right? It turns out the only thing I wasn’t willing to accept was his infidelity and his lack of loyalty to our marriage. Don’t get me wrong, when I first found out about the affair, I was willing to do the work to drag our marriage out of the hole it was in and make it back to where we started. The only problem was, I was the only one willing to make the commitment to our marriage. After the attack, I knew the marriage would never be able to be salvaged. How could I ever trust my heart to a man who left me laying on the ground, bleeding, while he ran off with his mistress? How could I ever trust a man who stood in court under oath and refused to name my attacker?

During the first year after the attack, I really felt like his heart was filled with evil. How could I have been so wrong about a man? I thought I knew him but I had been wrong. Then, one day it happened. The man I had married reappeared and for the first time in over 2 years, I recognized the person I was speaking too.

I had called my now ex-husband to confirm him picking up our daughter from school. I also told him of my recent engagement. After hanging up, he called back and said he couldn’t pick our daughter up. When I told him she was excited and expecting him, he broke down crying. Now, I want to make a point here. Some men can cry at the littlest thing. My ex-husband could not. He cried when our daughter was born, he cried when he told our kids he was moving out, and now, he was crying….I was shocked! For the next 45 minutes I listened to him tell me how sorry he was for everything he had done. He said he was so f**ked up and she was a crazy bitch! (umm…yea she is) He told me he never meant to hurt me. He said he knew that I would’ve never forgiven him for the affair, which was why he left. He swore he didn’t realize how bad I was hurt the night of the attack…he was drunk and he only remembered it partially, the forgotten portion was filled in by my attacker. He said he was happy I was getting remarried and said my future husband was a great guy…I deserved to be happy! I could go on and on about our conversation, but bottom line, he showed remorse for his actions and I knew he was sorry! He never intended for me to get hurt and I knew he was telling the truth. So, I gave him some advice. I explained I had been working through the emotional carnage from both the affair and attack for the last two years with the help of a therapist, and for our daughters sake he needed to do the same. She deserved her daddy to be emotionally healthy and happy!

Although he only went a couple of times, I received the apology I needed to remove the anger I held in my heart for him. I will never forget what he did or the role he played in my attack, but I will forgive him. He is not the same kind of manipulative human being as my attacker. Is he a habitual cheater? Yes! Does he carry more emotional baggage than Delta on any given day? Yes! Does that make him evil? No! It makes him sad…but that’s not my problem. The only time it concerns me is when it affects our daughter!

But the she-devil…she on the other hand has a heart made of pure evil. I’m pretty sure you could just post her damn picture beside the word “evil” in the dictionary and everyone would say “ahhh, yea, that makes sense!” In the beginning, I tried putting myself in her shoes to understand how she could live with herself….I couldn’t do it! She’s told anyone who would listen I was “much larger” than she was. I was indeed taller, but even the police report has her outweighing me. She stated in the injunction hearing “people told her the next day I was going to kick her ass” I guess she’s a mind reader since she attacked me prior to knowing that information. It’s been said I was “training to box”, making my hands dangerous, which is why she had to stab me. Now, I did work out boxing and I won’t lie, my straight right could put someone on their ass, so if indeed she’s correct and I attacked her first, how in the hell didn’t she end up with a busted nose? How was she able to overpower me to get a bottle? How….because she hit me with the bottle before I even had a chance to react!

Regardless of her version of the story, how could a supposedly innocent woman go around making fun of a woman she attacked and permanently disfigured? Why would she be so proud of the nickname “slasher” and be more than happy to respond when called by that name? Because she’s evil! There is no remorse for the actions that caused my injuries. No remorse for the affair. No remorse for sleeping with my husband after the attack. No remorse for my friend she tried to run off the road. No remorse for the man she married and shared a life with. No remorse for the other family she destroyed by her cheating ways. And the worst part, no remorse for the lives of the children that were impacted negatively by all of her actions, including her own child!

Good always prevails over evil. It doesn’t always seem like it in the beginning, but over time, light shines bright for the good in all of us while darkness slowly but surely takes over the life of those that are evil! My life hasn’t been perfect since the attack, but I can say for certain the love I’ve been shown since that time has been most definitely the brightest times I’ve had! And as far as my attacker goes, I’m pretty sure her cheating days are over. Some call it karma, I like to call it justice!

When I started this blog, I had no intention of it receiving this much attention. As a matter of fact, it wasn’t until recently that the interest soared. I have been living the same life now as I was when I started this blog 3 years ago, so what changed? What made people want to read what I had to say? Hmmm…I can only venture to guess it has a lot to do with my blogs on the attack. I knew putting out the information to the world would possibly draw negative attention, it was only a matter of time. Well, the time is now! I received this comment on the blog I wrote last night!

First, let me start by saying I welcome any and all comments. In fact, many of you reading may be wondering if I did anything at all to antagonize my attacker. So let me “admit” the truth…I did! The truth is I spoke very poorly of her to my husband. I thought she was a home wrecking whore and had expressed so on many occasions. I’m sure he shared my thoughts with her. I also made fun of her to my husband, and I suppose he told her. I admitted to him when I saw them eating lunch together, I thought she was ugly. In fact, I even made the statement if I had seen her at the fire station working with him, I wouldn’t for one second be concerned about her. I guess this proves looks really aren’t everything….sex sells people!! I also had the nerve to continue to be intimate with my husband and express my feelings of love while they were apparently “dating”, even though he reassured me they were “just friends”. Perhaps that was upsetting to her.

I’m only assuming the above commenter took the time to read all of my blogs before posting their opinions about me. If so, I’m not really sure what “horrendous” things they are referring to. I’ve admitted to calling the mistresses husband, I’ve admitted to many things I did during that time, but none of those things would I describe as “horrendous”! Horrendous is allowing yourself to become so jealous, you take a beer bottle, hit an unarmed person over the head, and repeatedly slash them over and over again, until someone pulls you off! Horrendous is lying under oath numerous times, each time giving conflicting stories. Horrendous is posting pictures making fun of the person you attacked. Horrendous is not showing any remorse for your actions. Horrendous is continuing to lie to your spouse regarding the attack and your affair, knowing you are sleeping with another man anytime you get the chance! Horrendous is breaking up another marriage. Horrendous is continually harassing anyone and everyone that crosses you, just because you can! Horrendous….that’s not me!

As far as timid…I would hardly consider myself timid. I’ve written in depth of the pain the attack and affair caused me and my family, but that doesn’t make me timid. As a matter of fact, it makes me strong! Strong enough to face my kids with stitches on my face and chest. Strong enough to face the public with my head held high within days of the attack, to put food on the table for my kids. Strong enough to endure multiple treatments to lessen the appearance of the scars. Timid….hardly!

Now as far as my family knowing the truth….I’ve never lied…not once. My story has never changed. My attacker and her witnesses on the other hand contradict each other and change their stories depending on which report you read. I have them…my attorney studied them…it’s all there in black and white. Only an idiot can’t see the truth. So I suppose if you believe I’m a liar, I would in fact be calling you an idiot! I have nothing to hide. I’m not ashamed of who I was or who I’ve become. I was a woman, who gave her love to the wrong man, and paid the price. I take full responsibility for being so naïve.

But please, commenter, don’t “feel sorry” for me! I came out on top! I am remarried to the most perfect, supportive, faithful, loving man a woman could ever ask for and my attacker is married to a man who’s a known adulterer! So instead of feeling sorry for me, perhaps your sympathies should be directed towards her…it’s only a matter of time before he realizes who he’s married to and looks elsewhere for a worthy partner! I only hope her current husband is able to protect his future mistress from his crazy wife!! She’s going to need it!

So thank you mystery commenter for taking the time to read my blog, but don’t waste your time feeling sorry for me! I face the truth everyday when I look into the mirror…and the truth is, I’m much better off now than I EVER was then! Good night!

We all have those special dates in our head. The day we were born, the day of our first kiss, the day you met our spouse, the day of marriage, or the day you became a parent. Then there are those dates you don’t want to remember, but you just can’t seem to forget, no matter how hard you try! The date of a break-up, a date of a death, a date of a miscarriage, or perhaps a date of an attack.

February 25th will always be a date I want to forget, but will forever be a date of importance. Every year I do my best to prep for the upcoming date. I push the thoughts as far in the back of my mind as possible, with the hopes I can forget it. One year, I even forgot, for one day…but that day was short-lived. I’ve been doing a lot of writing on this subject over the weeks leading up to the date this year. It was not something I had typically done in the past and to be quite honest, it drained me a bit. I had to take a step back from the blog to deal with just getting through the upcoming unwanted Anniversary!

Well, today is that day. The Anniversary I never wanted has come and gone…I survived another year! This year in particular, was hard! My husband, who has consistently been my rock, is still deployed. It makes it hard to feel all of the emotions solo without having my biggest supporter by my side to reassure me like he always does! Instead, this year I had to keep it together for both myself and my kids! Nobody needs mamma flippin’ shit because she’s is stuck in the past dealing with the devil! So I did what mammas do best, I slapped a Band-Aid on the pain with a fake smile and carried on like normal, whatever the hell that is! Ha!

I’ve felt a lot of mixed emotions this week. It’s been liberating getting this story out in the open, but with that has come a lot of weird Facebook happenings! I have had the MOST random friend requests EVER! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a lot of great connections made through writing, and for those genuine requests, thank you! But it’s the creepers that irk me! I mean, I’m smart enough to figure out a fake profile when I see it! And if all of your friends are recent and once removed, chances are you are a stalker and should get a life and stay the hell out of mine! Truth is, my blogs have been public, no need to creep to see them! There have been no big secrets I’m trying to keep and no lies being told! If you want to know what I have to say or the impact all of this has had on MY life, I’m handing it to you on a silver platter….HERE IT IS!! I’m not ashamed or embarrassed by anything I’ve written and I have no problem with ANYONE reading it. This is my way to heal and deal with the past like I choose!

Like I said, it’s been a week of mixed emotions…sometimes I am angry and sometimes I just feel hurt! I’ve been haunted by unpleasant dreams this week on 2 occasions…not a pleasant way to spend my dreams! It disgusts me the way my mind betrays me! Why does it give her so much power? Why does it let her control my emotions…still….all these years later? I just wish I could erase the pictures of the night from my brain….I wish I could forget the sounds she made, the smells in the air, her blonde hair….just her…I just want to forget she ever existed! But that’s not reality.

The reality is she changed me forever. She changed the structure of my family, or I should say, assisted in altering it. She took away a lot from me mentally and physically that night. I will never feel the same security I felt prior to that night. I will always sense panic when I hear a crash of glass. It’s something I can’t control no matter how hard I try! Physically I will never be the same either! My face will always hold the scars of adultery. They will forever remind me of what selfishness looks like! I was not able to breastfeed my daughter without remembering the horrific events of that night and the pain of the affair! I can’t be intimate with my husband without him seeing a constant reminder of what infidelity can lead too! I can’t get a facial without being asked if I was in an “accident”! Yea, my ex-husband “accidently” stuck his penis in a crazy biotch!

And let’s not forget the innocent lives that will be forever changed. I’ve been anticipating it…I knew it would happen….today was that day. I woke up to the cutest little 2 year old, snuggling with me. She was caressing my face and when she reached the scars on the left side she said, “Mamma boo-boo?” And right there, in that moment, my heart broke a little more! Today I put that Band-Aid smile on and said mommas ok, but that answer won’t work forever! All too soon, she will be a curious 4 year old and her favorite word will be “why”!

And to her question I will reply, “Why? Because if not, then I would’ve never known the unconditional love of your daddy or the amazing, beautiful daughter we created together!”