My mother went to her brother's house and found him dead. He had shot his head with a rifle. My mom thought he had a red hankerchief over his face.

My eight-year old nephew was hit and killed instantly by a car. My brother still blames himself to this day (7 years later). He said he should have stopped working on house and played catch when his son asked.

My 49 year old brother (the older of the one who lost his son) died from cancer. He suffered for almost a year. Then we were told he had a few weeks to a few months and lost him within a day.

Two years after my brother died, my father died of emphysema and a brain tumor. He was in the hospital for two months of which I was there every day. I was there for two nights at the end and my brother told me to go home and rest because he would stay. That is the night my dad passed. My brother, who lost his son, saw his son right after the accident, was with my older brother when he passed, and was with my dad when he passed.

A few weeks later my uncle died (my mom's brother). He died in his apartment of a heart attack. My mom kept calling and got no answer so she called his landlord. He had been dead a few days.

My brother-in-law just passed away from lung cancer that metastisized to his brain. He suffered for a year and a half.

That is just deaths. My personal situation is also an added bonus. My husband and youngest son do not get along which puts a big strain on my marriage. Some of my family members look to me for money when I really can't afford to help them. So secretly have financial issues husband isn't aware of. Another strain on marriage. My husband communicates with his family fine for a while, and then for months says he wants nothing to do with them. My mother is in ill-health and depends on me for taking her to doctors and other stuff.

I could go on and on, but just wanted to say - there are a lot of us in the same boat. How WE choose to deal with it is very much in our control. It's the hardest thing to do getting on with your life when you've experienced such grief. Let yourself greive then let yourself heal. If you need help healing, help yourself by realizing that this is life. Stuff happens and gets in the way of us living our lives the way we think we should. Whatever you are dealing with is yours to do with what you will. The only way I keep going is by taking it one day at a time. Each day is another chance to make it better.

Please see if you can get assistance with a place to live and food stamps. There are many agencies out there to help, but you do have to do the foot-work. I didn't even mention that growing up my father was an alcoholic and we moved so much I don't have any childhood friends. Never graduated (got GED) and went to college when I was 40 years old. Don't give up. If you do, you are letting yourself down. You have worth and need to take baby steps to make yourself feel better about yourself each day. Don't underestimate sleep, exercise, and good nutrition.

Forgive me if I've gone on too long. I will be checking back to see how you are doing. Another place to go is church. God didn't make this happen. It's life. With life there is death and we don't know when it will happen or how. Acceptance is the first step in healing.

__________________
If you open the door even a little bit - the devil will fling it open. Keep it closed with prayer.

Hmmmmmmmm..........I feel for you. As for your question if anyone would want to live through that......well of course not! When my husband passed, and my dad had his stroke the same day, and my whole family was turned upside down.......I felt the same way. And I too got very angry with God. But one thing I learned about myself, and probably about all people in general, is that we all have so much strength. It takes time to find it, but it's there. The fact that you question God's motives tells me that there is faith there, you just dont understand where to go with all of this emotion. That's a rough one! It took me a long time, and I blew up my life in the process. Then I ended up pregnant..........................this was not good! Or so I thought. I now had to change, and find, yet again, a new balance in life. It was a lot of work, but I kept just doing the next thing. If it was scrubbing a tiolet then that's what I did. If it was painting a room, or cleaning a sink, or mowing the grass, or anything else that comes up in day to day living.....then that's what I did. It didn't take very long and I had worked myself half to death, but I realized that although I was still angry, I didn't have the energy anymore to act on it. Then, soon after, something even more amazing happened. The anger turned to shame. So I worked even harder! Not to ignore the situation this time however, but to improve how I felt about me. Today, it's been 7 months since I found out I was pregnant. I'm sober, I take care of my family, I keep everything done that needs to be done and a whole lot of extra stuff too. And even better then all of that, I'm happy. I feel safe, i feel content, I feel thankful instead of burdoned. I think today, that all of these bad things didn't happen as much to me, as they did around me, but that I was given a chance to be okay. And I'm greatful to be here, and I'm hopeful for the future. I hope you if anything, you find a way to force yourself to get up today, and begin to make that difference. You may not feel like it, but it doesn't take long before you realize how much better it is. All of these things hurt, but at least I know today I'm doing my best, and there's pride in that. Good luck to you.
Melissa

you are suffereing from depression. get help. i am feeling down myself today. i have a bad divorce i cannot get over it is a cross country thing involving Canada. have no medical coverage and have been dx with heart and kidney problems had a heart attack losing potassium. have an autistic daughter and it fially made me cry a lot this weekend pls life can be good and tough. i try to be happy but things to get to one if you have no bad reason then to feel down it is depression and can be helped with therapy and medication. right beofre my heart attack i feel ick dr would not give me anything ther are community health centers in some states.