How to Emerge from a Fight More in Love

The inevitable arguments you have with your guy don't have to cause turbulence in the relationship. In fact, when handled correctly, conflict can help you better understand and appreciate each other. Yes, we're serious! Read on.

Disputes with your man are no fun, but
they're bound to occur. And when they do,
you may worry that the loving bonds you've
established in your relationship will somehow
begin to erode. Not so, says psychologist
Xavier Amador, PhD, author of I'm
Right, You're Wrong, Now What?, who
maintains that "fighting is a necessary ingredient
for intimacy. It shows that you're invested
enough to want to hash something
out instead of just writing each other off."

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

So as warped as it sounds, disagreements
can actually provide an opportunity for you
and your guy to grow closer — if you deal
with them constructively instead of letting
them devolve into huge, ugly blowouts. "It
takes emotional intelligence to take the
anger out of an issue and talk about it productively,
and many people don't learn those
skills growing up," says Amador. So we
talked to top communication, relationship,
and conflict-resolution experts to get their
best advice. On the following pages, how to avoid common
quarreling pitfalls, plus crucial strategies for
fighting right at every stage of a love spat.

More From Cosmopolitan

STARTING THE FIGHT: DIVIDING MOVES

E-mailing your issue. If
you've been stewing over
something your guy said
or did, it's tempting to fire off a bitchy e-mail or
IM detailing your grievances. But by doing that,
you run the risk of blindsiding your guy — remember,
he may be clueless to the fact that you're
upset, says Amador.

Ambushing him. It's important to pick a good
time to air your gripe. So if your boyfriend thinks
he's coming home to spend the night vegging on
the couch and instead you rip into him the second
he walks in the door about how badly he behaved
in front of your friends last Friday, you're setting
him — and yourself — up. At best, he'll offer a
stunned, knee-jerk response that will likely upset
you more. Says Gini Graham Scott, PhD, author
of Disagreements, Disputes, and All-Out War: "If
you're not both in a frame of mind to discuss the
issue, nothing will get solved."

STARTING THE FIGHT: UNITING MOVES

ID the real issue. Say
you're seething because
he didn't RSVP to his
friend's party on your behalf. Before you read him
the riot act, spend time reflecting — maybe you feel
left out of his social circle or you have concerns
about his lack of responsibility or etiquette. "Fighting
is often about something much deeper than the
surface issue," says Scott. Freaking out about
a specific instance (the RSVP debacle) won't improve
communication. But if you can identify
what's really bothering you, he can work on that
bigger issue.

Stay calm. Guys are biologically engineered to
avoid screechy female tones...or so you'd think.
Meaning, if you want him to stay in the room
long enough to hear you out, you have to calm
your butt down. "What I suggest is taking two
breaths into your belly and thinking of something
good in your life so your nervous system
relaxes," says Fred Luskin, PhD, author of Forgive
for Love. Taking that moment will help you
remain kind, which in turn will get him to see how
committed you are to finding a sane solution.

DURING THE DEBATE: DIVIDING MOVES

Kitchen-sinking your criticism.
The tiff started when he came
home late, but since you're riled
up, you also bring up how sexist his friends are and how
selfish he is to watch TV when you're having a bad day.
"Confine your discussion to one incident," says Luskin.
"Snowballing your complaints confuses both of you about
what the real issue is." Keeping focused lets you resolve
the argument at hand instead of creating new ones.

Repeating yourself. If he doesn't seem to get why
you're so peeved through his thick skull, keep hammering
it home, right? Wrong. "Anytime one of you repeats
yourself, it means the other person has stopped listening
and put on their mental mute button," says Amador.
At this point, productivity is at a standstill.

Saying I instead of you. "It
sounds psychobabbly, but it really
works and makes people less
defensive," says Amador. Try it: "You don't do any chores,
so I did the dishes again!" sounds blamey, while "I feel
like I'm left with an unfair share of housework, such as
the dishes. What do you think about that?" suddenly
opens things up for a legit discussion.

Asking questions. As your guy spells out his side, get
details: "When did you first notice this?" or "What would
you like me to do next time?" "This shows him that
you're listening, and guys respond well when they feel
respected," says Covalt.

Taking breaks. If things get ugly, say "I'm too upset to
talk rationally. Can we revisit this tomorrow/after I work
out/in an hour or so?" Says Covalt: "When you think of a
fight as a talk, not a blowout, it takes the fear out of it.
You both become more optimistic about handling it."

WRAPPING IT UP: DIVIDING MOVES

Insisting on hashing it out. Not
all arguments can be resolved in
one sitting. So while you might
want to slog out the details right away, your guy may be
over it — at least for the night. "People in conflict have
different styles of settling things and need different
amounts of time to process what's been said, and all of
them are valid," says Scott. As long as you've said your
piece and feel heard, be willing to compromise with how
your partner wants to handle the situation.

Demanding a perfect apology. "When we're mad,
our reptilian brain kicks in and wants our opponent to
grovel and admit defeat," says Amador. "It's crucial to
let your frontal lobe take control and remind you that it's
the big picture — harmony — that's important." So if he
said he was sorry, take it at face value instead of holding
out for him to say it the "right" way.

WRAPPING IT UP: UNITING MOVES

Moving on. Once you've heard
the outcome you were after (an
apology, a promise to try harder,
an explanation of why he feels that way, etc.), any
further fighting is self-indulgent. "Be willing to stop
when you reach your goal," says Amador.

Saying it out loud. When you come to an agreement
on something that needs to change, verbalize the specifics
so you both know what to expect. For example, "In
the future, if I'm going to be working past 8, I'll call you."
That way, you don't misunderstand and wind up bickering
again about the same thing, advises Covalt.

Checking in before you check out. "Before you walk
away, say that as far as you're concerned, the issue is
resolved, then ask him if he feels the same," says Amador.
It conveys concern for your mate's point of view.

DEALING WITH THE AFTERMATH: DIVIDING MOVES

Harboring a grudge. Some
people blow the memory of a dispute
way out of proportion. But by
nurturing a grudge and holding on to your anger, you hurt
for far longer than you need to, says Luskin.

Making cracks about the fight. Referencing your
fight-night drama in front of other people — even as a
joke — erodes trust. "It escalates his defensiveness,
both on that topic and the next one you have an argument
about," says Amador. Just the mention of a sore
subject in front of a third party can make him feel like
he's being attacked or belittled.

Insisting on getting in the last word. Say you let
things go at the time, but you just thought of a great
point to make or something clever you shoulda said.
So you toss a pointed comment over dinner or send
an e-mail "clarifying" your point of view. These actions
only re-engage the entire tussle and leave him wondering
if he can trust that you're telling the truth the next
time you say you've made peace with the matter.

DEALING WITH THE AFTERMATH: UNITING MOVES
Focusing on his best qualities.
After a draining debate, spend
some time dwelling on what you
love about your guy — even the smallest, stupidest
things, like how he always restocks the cookies when
they're running low. "Contemplating your partner's
good points puts him in a more positive light in your
mind, and it helps balance the stuff that's irritating
about him," says Luskin.

Sending a nice e-mail. No need to rehash the events,
but bouncing him a "Thanks for talking that over" or
"Again, I'm sorry, and I love you" can go a long way
toward rebuilding goodwill. "When you give these
interpersonal gifts, the natural instinct on his part is to
give you one in return at some point," says Amador.
"It's a gesture that only benefits the relationship."

Touching him. A reassuring hug or back scratch can
be all it takes to transmit to your guy (who's naturally
less verbal) that you're still a tight couple. "These
touches are all about reassuring him and expressing
your love — directly and indirectly," says Amador. "They
say, 'Yes, I can be angry and still love you.'" And, hey,
if it leads to make-up sex, so be it. There's a reason
that variety of nooky has such a hot reputation.