Sunday, December 30, 2007

What a year for a new year

I always feel contemplative around this time of year. In my more obsessive days, I would have written out resolutions, committed (or re-committed) to my diet plan dujour, planned out my exercise schedule, and berated myself for not weighing what I thought I should (even if it was unhealthy).This year I am trying to avoid the obsession with remaking myself. I am trying to organize myself for work, which I am realizing I need desperately. I have had quite enough of trying to keep it all in my head, and then failing miserably. So, I am making up a study schedule (to try to avoid cramming), and making up a patient database, so I can keep track of who I've seen, what they've got, how it's been treated and what I need to do for them. These are lofty goals, and while they may come across as a bit obsessive, I've driven myself crazy over the past 6 months without such a plan, so we'll give it a go.As far as my body goes, it's more of a struggle. I know I've gained weight over the past year, and I know it's been part of my recovery. I also know I've started to shed some of the (really excessive) weight I put on during the move/house buying/new job starting phase. Which is good, but I'm still not entirely resistant to the barrage of ads for diet and fitness plans that are out at this time of year. I'm hoping that instead of trying to overhaul myself, I can stay focused on who I am, with or without whatever weight issues I've got going on, continue listening to my own inner voice, including my own hunger and tastes, and recognize that there are things I can do to make myself feel better that are productive - such as going to the gym and to yoga.So in a way, I am trying to change things. But I feel like I'm trying to change them by getting back to myself, or even getting to know myself, as opposed to trying to become something that I'm not, and setting myself up for failure.In addition, I think this "listening to myself" mantra will lead me back into therapy. Not that I need anything intensive - I think I've been dealing with my eating disorder remarkably well lately - but I did like having a third party to help sort out my feelings and experiences. I've got a referral, and plan on making an appointment soon.Finally, I feel like I am taking a huge, cleansing breath. The end of this year has thrown so many things my way that I haven't been quite sure how to deal with - not the least of which include feeling overwhelmed at work, and losing my Grandma right before the holidays. So I'm taking a few days just to breathe. To be good to myself, hang out with my husband, get my thoughts together, and breathe.

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About Me

I am training for my first marathon with the Team in Training, and raising money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I will be running in the Nike Women's Marathon on October 17th, 2010. Please donate to help me reach my goal of $3500 for cancer research and funding!