A blog about internal insights that are mostly improv related.

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I am tired of being “derailed”.

I am really tired of being derailed. My psychic/empathic/mediumship talents have always been a secondary talent. In order to do the work I needed to do, it’s something that I have kept to myself. In order to do the work I need to do, I need to be as normal as possible.

My life has been more about putting myself in positions where people will accept unsolicited advice. Becoming a teacher is a great way to do that. So is becoming an improviser. So is being an artist or a writer. It puts me in a position where I can help the people who needed it the most.

I have always wanted to help people who needed it the most.

That’s simply not working out for me anymore. I am not sure if it has ever worked out for me. Trying to give people unsolicited advice when I don’t really have the credentials to do so has never really worked out for me. It doesn’t matter how creative I am in my approach.

Perhaps I got this all wrong.

I have always trusted God or the Universe. I have always allowed God or the Universe to lead the direction of my life. For some reason, it’s just never worked out. My dreams always sort of kind of come true, but I never make it to my destination. “Satan” is just too strong. “Satan” can always manipulate those closest to me and throw me off my path. The only time it’s ever really worked out for me is when I wasn’t really a key player. I was never a key player in the liberty movement, and that’s the reason I was successful.

Even in that case, I was never truly successful. I did manage to help out the key players, and enhance their credentials through my volunteer work at public access. Even so, I think I could have been a lot more successful if I was more open about my abilities.

As far as those that really truly needed my help, I failed them. I may have even gotten in their way. If they succeeded on their path, it was despite of me not because of me. All the people I managed to help didn’t really need it. I am not saying that I didn’t help them in a significant way, all I am saying is that it would have happened anyway. I was along for the ride. I was not a key player, and all the help I provided could have been easily provided by someone else. Most of the time, it was.

Is that all I am good for? To be an “extra” in someone else’s life? That the best I can hope for is a speaking role? Or to become a day player?

While I was at iO, I never once felt like an “extra”. I honestly felt I was a part of their story, even if they didn’t agree. I felt like that even before I caught “the ball”. I just thought that if I were patient enough it will all fall into place. Now, it’s all over. I failed again. I have a new destiny now, and it doesn’t involve iO at all. It’s making me very depressed.

This is really not what was meant to be! I know I talk the talk, but it is so much harder to walk the walk especially if you truly and completely bought into it. I did. That’s not hard to discover by reading my past blogs. I believed. It was true, and I failed. I failed again.

I have to distance myself from iO now, and it’s making me so depressed. It’s so hard to walk away from something that you can sense and feel. I tasted it. I know what it feels like to be a key player in my own life now, and I don’t want to walk away from that. It all made sense, and I bought into it. I really did.

My destiny was stolen from me, and the people that I trusted the most there did this to me. They wrote me out of my own life. They took away my destiny, and gave it to someone else. This was a conscious decision that they made. It had nothing to do with destiny at all.

I got so many gifts from heaven. I even had the resident ghost on my side. Of course I can simply write myself back in, but it’s not worth the price. At the end of the day, I still failed. I failed to help the people who needed my help the most.

Why did I fail? That’s the question.

I can make all the accusations I want, but at the end of the day I was never there to help myself. Yes, improv does help me to be more creative but that’s not why I was there. I failed, and there is nothing anyone can do to change that fact. I failed to convince the people who discriminated against me. I also failed to convince the system. I failed.

This is a clear message to me that I am going about this all wrong!

I am not going to play into this game. I am not going to destroy the lives of the people that I was there to help. If they are rejecting my help, then I need to go about doing this a different way. Obviously, the indirect approach is not working out.

At the end of the day, one needs to do the best thing for their own conscious. I feel trapped. The only way to personally move forward at iO is to destroy my entire purpose for being there in the first place. That’s a high price that I can never pay.

There were so many different possibilities. The universe is very compromising. As long as you complete your mission, the universe doesn’t really care how you go about it. There is no way I can complete my mission now by continuing to associate with iO. My mission is to help people, not completely destroy them to get what I “want”.

To me, that’s a gift from the devil. I reject that gift. I like being a key player in my own life, but not so I can destroy the lives of others. Some people are obviously not like me, because I wouldn’t be in this position if they were more like me. They are more than willing to take the devil’s gifts and claim they were gifts from God. To me, you have to be pretty self-centered to be that messed up in the head.

However, to follow God’s plan I have to give up something very dear to me. I have to give up something that I very much felt a part of. You have to be crazy enough to buy into all of it, but sane enough to function in the real world as a professional.

I felt I had the right mix. I think some others did too.

God wants me to be an empathic therapist now. I am going to charge, so I will be considered a professional. I basically will be doing the same things I did for free, but my clients will seek me out now. They are going to solicit me. If I put myself out there as a professional they can hire, this enables them to do just that.

Being an amateur really isn’t working out for me. It’s so much better if the people who need your help seek you out when it comes to things like this. Admitting that you need some help is the first step. That’s a step that people need to take all on their own. In the future, all the people who I help will be people who actually want it. It will be completely on their own terms. They will seek ME out.

This is just a consolation prize. This is not meant to be. This is not what I was meant to do. However, perhaps it’s the best thing I can do. The people who hurt me the most are the people who are the closest to me, and perhaps if I am a professional it will give me the courage to stand up to them. I never have the confidence to fully use my own talents.

That’s because in order to use them I need to admit that I have them first.

I am having a lot of problems with my extended family right now. The majority of my problems, even the ones regarding my husband’s family, are caused by a rogue aunt of mine. She’s my mother’s sister.

I can help all of them. I need to stop running away from it. There is no way I can continue to hide anymore. Perhaps I am helping all the wrong people. Perhaps I should force my help onto my rouge aunt of mine, and the only way to do that is to be very direct about it. I am a psychic-medium. The only way I can do that is if it’s actually my profession. Then, I will never be derailed again. I am so tired of it. Enough is enough.

I am going to pick up my metaphorical magic wand and start using it. The “devil” is never going to derail my life again. Then perhaps people in my day to day life will take me more seriously and be more willing to accept my help. Perhaps they will ask for it, and even sign up for a session.

The thing that saddens me the most is that I have to break my connection with Dave now. It has helped me out for a couple of years. All choices come at a price though. He wrote me out. Was he consciously aware of this? There were so many options. A compromise could have been made. We didn’t have to do the musical, we could have done something else. The universe was willing to work with him, and now the universe isn’t. He’s out too.

There is nothing that can be done about it now. He wrote me out.

The only real option I have now is to distance myself from that place, and learn to be a little more direct about my talents. This is about personal destiny.

I had a good time performing at the holiday show. Dave asked me to organize a group of graduates from past classes to perform in the show and I did. I thought it was a great way to make amends for all the things that had happened. It seems like they were all kind of on the same page as me. We all wanted to do well. It was important to us.

However, members of the 88s went off on me and the host in front of the entire audience during the intermission. There was no one really in charge there, and the tech and MD assumed that there would be an intermission. We went along with it, because no one made me understand that I was in charge of the entire show. No one gave me that job.

No one had that job.

They didn’t seem to understand that no one who was regularly in charge was there. Not even their lead organizer was there. Improvisers are supposed to just go with it, not throw an immature fit in front of the entire audience. What the hell?

My instincts were telling me it had nothing at all to do with the intermission.

The extreme level of immaturity and lack of showmanship displayed has proven to me that things cannot be fixed. What’s done is done. I am officially out.

There is a group of people there that really honestly believe the entire world revolves around them, and that everyone else is only there to serve their own personal needs. I can’t do anything about people who believe they are following their destiny.

Dave knows that there is always a price to pay. He’s old. Even if we are both trying to make amends as friends, things cannot ever go back. He decided that the dreams of others were more important than my dreams, and my only “dream” was to assist him and Charna. My only “dream” was to feel like a key player in my own life. That’s all. It all kind of messed with my mind. I fell for it, and that’s why I am so depressed. The dreams of young people are always more important than the dreams of old people. This is not working out for me anymore. I need to start being more direct now.

I have no desire to find out how they will react when they discover I have some kind of subliminal connection with him. No thank you! Disaster is the only word I can think of. No musical can fix this. Nothing can fix this. It’s done. I failed.

I really need to start doing something different. This is not working out for me. This is all his fault though, he derailed me. He’s the reason I have to become a professional psychic-medium now. I would have much preferred to just keep helping him. He’s not my friend anymore. I need to accept the facts and move on now. I failed.