British Culture Supremo and mealy-mouthed Yankee
lover, Tessa Jowell, announced stringent new proposals today to combat
the worst linguistic crises this country has ever faced

In an impassioned speech delivered to a select
gathering of lexicographers, publishers and linguists at the Mansion
House, in London, Ms Jowell (47) presented a 900 page document entitled:
'Years of Waste Create Emergency.'—formerly 'Cent*ries of Over*se
Res*lt in Emergency.'

Ms Jowell began by explaining that Britain is facing an acute shortage
of the letter that comes between 't' and 'v'. "Urgent action must
be taken in order to compete in the global marketplace," she told
the shocked audience. "We need to have a complete alphabet. We
are advising all citizens to refrain from *sing this letter *nless absol*tely
necessary."

Ironically, it was the United States, a notorious spendthrift in all
other things, who were the first to implement the new conservation measures.
“Responsible Americans quickly recognised that the chronic shortage
was being exacerbated by irresponsible
British publishers and started printing words like 'f*ck', 'c*nt,
'b*ttocks, 'b*gger' and "sl*t," Jowell told the packed audience.
"Many publishers have ass*med that Americans are simply bowing
to pressure from right-wing, pro-chastity, religious fundamentalists.
They are not. It is an attempt to save o*r common lang*age.”

According to Tessa Jowell, it is the British insistence on adding the
letter that comes between ‘t’ and ‘v' to words like
‘color,’ ‘parlor’ and ‘humor’ that
is responsible for the shortage. "There's no excuse for it,"
she told the assembled wordsmiths. "Every time some irresponsible
editor types 'he savoured the flavour of the doughnut'—another
three letters are lost, never to return. It's got to stop, do you hear?"

Utterpants
asked a leading Lexicographer and professor of English at the University
of East Anglia, Sir Isaac Hunt, for his response to Ms Jowell's conservation
programme.

"Poppycock!" he snorted. "Tessa Jowell is spineless
sycophant who'd say anything to suck up to her American puppetmasters.
She knows perfectly well that President
Bush has been taunting the Prime Minister for years, adding the
letter that comes between ‘t’ and ‘v’ into the
word nuclear just to annoy him. Let's not forget who substituted 'cum'
for 'come' and 'jugs' for 'tits, not to mention 'muthafucker,' which
wastes two of the letters that come between ‘t’ and ‘v’.
It's America's wanton overuse of the letter than comes between ‘t’
and ‘v’on their bloody porn sites that landed us in this
mess in the first place!"
"How do you mean, professor?" we asked.
"Type 'c*nt sl*rping n*de sl*ts f*cking' into any Internet search
engine and you won't find a single British website using those words
in that combination. That's a waste of five of the letters
that come between 't' and 'v'. This entire crises could easily be averted
if American
pornographers would adopt the spelling conventions favoured by this
country's past literary giants."
"Such as?" we asked.
"Well—'conyte' for one."
"Conyte?"
"If it was good enough for Chaucer it should be good enough for
sex-crazed Yanks!"

"But surely," we commented, "the Americans are acting
responsibly for once, by replacing the letter that comes between ‘t’
and ‘v’ with asterisks in the words you've mentioned?"
"Too little and too late. Anyway, what they're doing is only making
things worse."
"We don't follow you?"
"Dammit, woman!" barked Sir Isaac, thumping his desk in frustration,
"the exclusion of the letter between ‘t’ and ‘v’—oh,
fuck it! The exclusion of the letter 'u' from words such as cunt and
fuck by those interfering illiterate
colonials has resulted in a hurricane of libel suits—if not
a whirlwind of writs—from outraged celebrities and slandered organisations
around the world."
"Libel suits? We're not with you, professor?"

"Well, it's obvious, isn't it. Shoving asterisks into perfectly
legitimate Anglo-Saxon words that have been in use for hundreds of years
just to save a few letters, that they've been wasting, is asking
for trouble. I mean, what if I printed that you were an *nprincipled
f****r who would cheerfully b***er their own mother for an excl*sive?"
"We'd sue the pants off you."
"And yet, what I meant to say was that you are an *nprincipled
fucker who'd cheerfully barter their own mother for an excl*sive."
"But has anyone actually successfully sued a publisher—sorry,
p*blisher, yet?"
"I'll say! The Sunday Sport, printed a story about Britney
Spears in which it claimed that: 'The sl*t brazenly taunted the
shocked audience with her f*rry c**t.' Ms Spears was devastated by the
suggestion that she would wear a fur coat, especially to the annual
congress of the Beaver
Preservation Society, and went on to sue the paper for libel.
Had the publishers taken my professional advice and used the words 'hairy
conyte', not only would they have saved themselves three million dollars,
but avoided wasting the letter between ‘t’ and ‘v."

Even highly respected religious groups like the Scientologists, are
suing the press left, right and centre as we learned when our researcher
bumped into Tom
Cruise in Butch Bob's Leather Lounge, in downtown LA, where the
totally straight, he-man was consoling a tearful Katie Holmes. "I'm
gonna sue the fucking ass of those muthafuckers at Pantyhose,"
snarled the macho beefcake, punctuating his outburst by slapping a copy
of the offending magazine against his leather-clad thigh. The cause
of Mr Cruise's anger was an article in Pantyhose which alleged
that his talented fiancé's recent conversion to Scientology,
may not have been entirely voluntary.
"Here!" screamed the infuriated megastar, "Read it yourself!"

'The cu*t brainwashed Ms Holmes into b*ggering Tara
Reid with a butternut squash.'
"Well, that does seem to libel you rather clearly," we commented.
"Not me!" spat out Cruise. "I'm not talking about Katie
fucking Tara up the ass. Hell, we all creamed her butt that night, right
hon?"
"Yess..." she sobbed tearfully. "The Church has been
so good to me. The Deacons even let me hold Tom's hand when he goes
down on—"
"—yeah, well, never mind that, baby. Anyway, the point is—once
the national press got a hold of it the whole damn world was saying
that the CULT brainwashed Katie into becoming
a Scientologist. I'm gonna sue every one of the muthafucking bitches!"

With American webmasters showing no signs of letting up on their reckless
overuse of the scarce letter 'u', Britain faces a bleak future deprived
of the most widely used phrase in the English language—yes, we
mean: 'f*ck off yo* c*nt! The only glowworm of hope on the horizon is
the news that the Prime Minister himself is backing Tessa Jowell's conservation
programme. “One thing that I have learned from President B*sh,"
commented Mr Bliar, "is that the big words I have been *sing are
q*ite *nnecessary. Waving his arms about and gr*nting doesn't seem to
have done the fu*cking c*nt's career any harm."