With all the forlorn and betrayed people here, not to mention the ones with non-love problems, there seems to be (since Dr. Stg RA51 is "gone") a void for "professional" advice, sorta like "Dear Abby".

I'm thinking a good one would be called, umm, "Dear Aggy". Something along the lines of "Ask a Navy SEAL."

Dear Mall Ninja, I think my girlfriend is cheating on me. I found beef jerky in her purse. Signed: GunnerGuy981

Dear GunnerGuy981: Your girlfriend MIGHT be cheating on you. Is the beef jerky the typical store-brand you can buy at the kwikie-mart, or is it from a Gun Show? If it is from a Gun Show, then you can pretty much write off your relationship. She has fallen in love with a former Navy Seal/Ex-Ranger/CIA man of action.