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Thursday, December 24, 2015

Need Some Laughs?

In Paris, two million people march in a solidarity rally following
the horrific terrorist attack on the French satirical newspaper Charlie
Hebdo.

Eyebrows are raised when not a single top U.S. official
attends, but several days later, Secretary of State John Kerry arrives
in France with James Taylor, who — this really happened — performs the
song You’ve Got a Friend. This bold action strikes fear into
the hearts of terrorists, who realize that Secretary Kerry is fully
capable, if necessary, of unleashing Barry Manilow....

NBC suspends Nightly News anchor Brian Williams after an
investigation reveals inaccuracies in his account of being in a military
helicopter under fire in Iraq. “Mr. Williams did not actually come
under fire,” states the network. “Also technically he wasn’t in a
helicopter in Iraq; it was a Volvo station wagon on the New Jersey
Turnpike. But there was a lot of traffic.” A contrite Williams blames
the lapse on post-traumatic stress disorder resulting from killing Osama
bin Laden.

Abroad, Greece, under intense pressure to meet its debt obligations, gives Germany two of its three remaining goats....

In the year’s biggest literary story, representatives of 88-year-old
Harper Lee, denying allegations that they’re seeking to cash in on the
beloved author’s literary fame, announce plans to publish what they
claim is her recently discovered second book, Fifty Shades of a Mockingbird....

In finance news, shares on European financial markets plummet when
German authorities announce that one of the Greek goats is actually a
highly modified squirrel.

Speaking of unnatural: The U.S. Food and
Drug Administration approves the sale of genetically modified potatoes
and apples, noting that they “offer many nutritional benefits” and are
“completely safe” provided that consumers “do not anger them.”