On Wednesday we started this little trip down Facebook lane. I promised you we’d finish Friday and I think we’re a few hours late but it’s still fresh press so it is all good. Enjoy the rest and feel free to share your thoughts.

The Armchair Critic

Ah, the armchair critic. This particular guy I have to be honest and admit I have fallen into this category multiple times. Fortunately I have patient and kind friends who gently help me realize that perhaps I’m not the expert (In certain categories.) as much as I’d like to be. I will never be the President of the United States. Nor would I want to be. Or the head coach for whatever college or professional team. I wouldn’t want that job either.

We all know the Armchair Critic. This is the guy who is so quick to criticize people who are actually trying to make a difference. It may not be what they think is the best, but if you take bias opinions out, and the emotional pull of “being right” you are left with the notion that professionals have a lot of critics. Most of which don’t have the talent to lace the shoes of the pros.

They litter your newsfeed with how awful a politician is. And like the Debater never checks Snopes before posting disparaging “facts” about whatever horrible thing they’ve done now. The Armchair politician, critic, coach…it doesn’t matter, he takes full advantage of having the luxury to never ever have to step up to the plate himself.

So what’s the issue? We understand the need to vent from time to time of your frustrations of politics when they go awry. Or to vent from time to time of the social injustices that we see spread across the headlines. We get it. The Armchair Critic takes it to whole new level. Suddenly he knows all the in-betweens. Criticizes people as though he’s been on the front lines himself. And all of his online friends hear it daily.

And other than being a critic, one could ask what is being done about the issue? One would think that’d be an important question to ask. What are you, Armchair Critic, doing about your situation? Where is your cause? Remember in the last blog post we mentioned actually taking up a cause? Yeah, doing something about an issue is way hotter. Girls love guys who dive into their work. Remember that old archetype of the hero saving people, and the girl of the story just digs it? What if the people are your cause? Jump in, take some hits, and go for it. Or, sit and bitch about something that A) you have no control over. B) Have no incentive to rise to the cause. C) Not even close to being an expert in. Which do you think sounds more attractive? We’ll let you do the math.

How do you fix this? Understand, first, that each of us falls somewhat, if not entirely into these names listed. Myself included. Which is why it’s important to take a step back and look past the need for that second class payoff of human validation. A wise friend once told me, “All politicians, priests, pastors, coaches, and professionals are either God or the Devil in the eyes of men. Few fall in-between. But once you understand that most people truly want to do their best, and we remove our bias, and understand they are more than likely doing their best; you can then see them for who they truly are.” We could also add that in all truth, we couldn’t handle that job. Truth be told, we should ask ourselves a lot of questions. Like the ones I mentioned above, and ask yourself if you’re just finger pointing. A good indicator is if you truly believe, for example, our country is in trouble because of them! Whoever “them” might be. Who was it who told me, “It takes two to tango.” Something to consider for all of us.

Negative Neil

Negative Neil is a combination of a few people here. Btw, if your name is Neil, this is pure coincidence. Unless you’re negative 95% of the time, then yes this is specifically about you. Neil here is a combination of The Debater, the Dramateer, and the Armchair Critic. But he simplifies. Which is sorta good. Sorta.

You see, in his eyes, the World is rubbish. Everything is rubbish. Life is rubbish. Job is rubbish. Family and marriage is rubbish. And if you post something on your own wall, trying to be positive, he will come in with something to counter it. Not just once in a while. ALL THE TIME. This is the guy who even his closest friends have to say, “Can you just chill out with the negative, we understand your life sucks right now.”

This guy is different than say, your friend who really did have Life take a big steaming load on him and had to vent a little. Or vent for a few days for that matter. Negative Neil vents all day long. Every single day. Sometimes even tries to be funny about it unsuccessfully.

So what’s the issue? I learned VERY fast in the coaching business that people run from negativity. That is, negativity from other people. Sort of like the guy who hasn’t showered in ten weeks noticing the guy who hasn’t showered in five. Again, in general, people run from negativity. That level of consistency can wear a person out. I remember a while back while dating this girl, everything that we talked about was negative. Everything. I went home feeling poisoned. That was the last I saw her.

Most people can tolerate a good chunk of negativity. But let’s say you go on a few dates, and everything that comes out of your mouth ends on a bad note. It won’t be long before she moves on, if she hasn’t already in her own mind. Sometimes they just want to be polite and let you down easy.

How do you fix this? I know that it is sometimes very hard to stay positive. And I know, times do get tough and it is even often impossible to do it all the time! Monitor your words. Have a friend repeat back to you what you said so you can hear for yourself. Sometimes hearing it, how it sounds from someone else, helps us realize just how negative we can sound. Do your best to live with your cup half full for a bit. May feel awkward at first, and fake, but remember, not everyone knows what you’ve been through. Use it to empower you, not bring yourself and others down.

The Pot Stirrer

This is a toxic combination of the Dramateer, Debater, and Negative Neil, with a side salad of the other names mentioned. The Pot Stirrer lives off of the accelerated emotion of people arguing over the internet. Often they post a controversial news link just to stir up the crowd, and then argue for the sake of keeping the argument going.

Aside from that, the Pot Stirrer plays chameleon. They send messages to friends, about other friends so they can watch the events unfold. Not always so careful about how discreet they are, they’re usually found out.

So what’s the issue? A better question is, “What isn’t the issue?” I find if someone is eager to speak toxicity about everyone else, you can wager they’re doing the same to you. I always lose my trust in them. As far as attraction is concerned, most people you want to date will run from this quality. It is both distrusting and reeks of childishness.

How do you fix this? If you find yourself, similar to the Dramateer, in the middle of toxic relationships, and can never seem to avoid them, there is a good chance you’re part of them. It takes a hard look in the mirror to take a look at the situations and why you feel compelled to tell “Sam” what “Joe” said about him. Then turn around and tell “Joe” what “Sam’s” response was.

One way to take care of this; if you have friends that you know are not getting along, then doesn’t talk about that friend. It is as simple as refusing to take part in gossip. If they want a message sent, then let them send the message themselves, in person. People respect someone who refuses to be a part of the poison.

The Racist, Bigot, Sexist

I placed all three here because they all belong in the same boat really. Each has their own flavor of ignorance, but isn’t put off by allowing those around them to experience it. I have to bring them up because though they seem few and far between, each shows up from time to time. And when they do, it is common they are left to their ignorance without any questions asked.

They leave slandering comments that put genders, races, groups, and “types” on a lower class level than themselves. Justified by, “observation,” they get away with it as no one tells them otherwise.

So what’s the issue? Where to start on this? Let’s just get this out; that more needs to be done to bring awareness to this level of ignorance. Majority of which is bred out of fear. I’ve seen it against homosexuality, against religions, against women, and a multitude of races. There really isn’t a quicker way to show the world your personal level of ignorance than to be blatantly blind to it.

As far as attraction is concerned, most people you will want to date will be sensitive to one or more areas. Usually more. And they will cut you off like a dead limb at the first racist, bigoted, or sexist comment.

How do you fix this? A friend once encouraged me to seek out all forms of media. Learn all sides of the coin, even the side it balances on. Never assume that “truth” is the same as “fact.” And more importantly, just because others may agree with you, that doesn’t mean you or your idea is right. Be willing to unlearn unhealthy ideas about other cultures, peoples, and creeds. Be willing to KNOW those people and learn. You will learn more from doing that level of homework than a lifetime of ignorance.

And finally, to wrap them all up together, look in the mirror. Though we encourage you not to be overcritical of yourself, and to be encouraging, we also encourage you to work on yourself. Be willing to take those steps and know what you can and cannot control. And be willing to let go of toxic or poisonous ideas. Piece by piece, we can encourage and coach others to do the same.

We each live in a world where pretty much everyone we know is linked virtually. Our posts then pepper our friends and acquaintances newsfeeds on a daily basis. Our lives intertwine with theirs, usually peacefully but not always. I remember my own honeymoon stage with Facebook years ago and looking back I’m more than certain I was the annoying one on the newsfeed posting about his own bathroom and lunch breaks. Or the utterly mundane posts of watching grass grow. I’ve since evolved that level of annoyance to simply not taking too much, too serious. (With the occasional exception, of course.) And speaking from experience, I’ve broken my share of the rules before.

A while back F-1 hosted an event series called, “The Attraction Series,” where we dove into simple ways guys could create more attraction for themselves, and ways we sometimes sabotage that attraction with women. Most guys mean well, but most guys have also bought all the lies on masculinity and how exactly attraction works; from the subtle change of grooming habits to over-the-top habits of nervous-no-filter-word-vomit. (Yes, that is an actual thing.)

One of the subjects we talked about, and answered a lot of questions on, was Facebook etiquette. (Yes, this too is a thing.) As one guy said, “But I don’t care what people think of me on Facebook, why should I filter what I put on there?” That is a great question especially when we teach men not to invest much, if any, emotion on other people’s opinions. A friend of mine made it very simple for me, having worked in a business where his appearance could make a difference when he said, “Do I care that people judge me? No. Do I understand how they judge? Yes. And I use that to my advantage.” Simple as that. So what does this have to do with Facebook?

Well it is simple really; there are types of Facebook users that, often unknowingly, repel those around them. Being a guy looking for possible romantic interests, it’s good to be aware of things that can put a wrench in the works. It’s those types of posts that make people look sideways at your newsfeed and question whether or not to block your posts, or more permanently block you as a friend. For women, your page could be red flag central, littered with verbal land mines.

These guys are as follows:

The Uber Stud:

Uber stud? Yep. This is the guy who tries so hard to appear studly. Every photo he is posed to conveniently flex his bicep. Or selfies where he’s showing abs that really aren’t that great. This isn’t the guy that ACTUALLY IS a body builder, necessarily. I have body builder friends who are simply showing progress, but they take very few selfies. This is the guy who you see with does duck lips. Half of his page is self-absorbed selfies.

So what is the issue? He has bought the idea that his looks alone will get girls at his door. And he has placed all of his money there with the idea that girls are as obsessed with looks as much as men. Some might be! And many girls like a guy with a tight bod, just as much as many girls prefer strong character.

But an intelligent, beautiful, sophisticated woman will see through the cardboard cutout. And that last part is inevitable. As soon as the lack of character leaks out, the woman will see right through it if she hasn’t sniffed it out already.

How do you fix it? Easy. Be less self-absorbed. First thing is first; stop taking so many selfies. Or even pics for that matter. Keep your posts simple and trite. Preferably humorous. Leave room for mystery. Otherwise people know too much, too quickly about you and not in a good way. If you do take pics, make it with a good mix of people and make it natural. Not posed. Besides, who likes posers?

The Bleeder:

This could also be called the sob story, complainer, the Daryl Downer. Let’s face it, we’ve all had those days, traffic jams, horrible bosses, nasty co-workers, and the list goes on and on. And sometimes life hands you so much steaming feces that you have to vent. The Bleeder takes this to a whole new level.

Why do we call him the bleeder? He bleeds all over Facebook like someone has cut his proverbial artery. This guy believes a similar idea that Uber Stud believes, “It’s a free country I can post whatever I want! You can’t tell me how to post!” You’re right. We can’t. And won’t. That doesn’t mean your plethora of semi-vague posts aren’t exhausting, annoying, needy, and yes…manipulative.

You know them by the posts similar to, “I am destroyed.” “What a lonely day.” “I wait for joy but joy never comes.” “Figures it would turn out this way.” (What? What would turn out which way?) These are baiting tactics used to fish for sympathy. I see it mostly in younger guys, but I’ve seen my fair share of older guys using these tactics too.

So what is the issue? Most guys mistake this as being, “sensitive.” You can be sensitive without being a whiny bleeder all over Facebook who fishes for sympathy when they don’t get enough attention. There are a million ways to show a woman you are sensitive without false martyrdom and your sympathy line cast out while waiting for someone to bite.

Women run from this like the plague. And the women who post in response? You’ve just placed yourself out of the attraction zone with them. They now see the game. They respond because they’re nice and truly care. But they know the jig is up, even if they don’t necessarily say anything.

How do you fix this? First step is the biggest. Admit you know what you’re doing when you post those vague, sympathy-fishing, status updates. Some guys are truly in pain on the inside, I get that, and I’ll address that here in a bit, but for the other 90%, you know exactly what this is. Stop.

Having a bad day? Deal with it. Vent on a friend if you have to. Needing some attention? Learn to not NEED the validation, sympathy, and attention of others to get by. It isn’t easy, especially for guys who truly are the sensitive type, but there is quite a difference between that and being needy. Learn to have a great time without the company of others.

Now this next part is for those of you who think we’re being too mean and not sensitive to someone who might be crying out in pain. If you truly believe someone is crying out, call them. The bleeder, however, has a cycle. In fact, most of the ones I know of I can literally schedule when the next fishing post will be. Like clockwork. We’re not saying all posts have to be positive, but you know the bleeder by the consistency of needy posts. We’re not saying never to reach out if you really need to talk to someone.

F-1 teaches men than you find strength through your weakness. By identifying your weaknesses and confronting them, you learn to stand stronger and help those who go through the same trials. This being said; if you’re truly in pain, hurt, or whatnot, then call your circle of closest friends. Trust they will listen. Surround yourself with those who will listen and understand as well.

Most others have their own struggles, and though they might seem like they don’t care, they’re not close enough to you to make a difference. So burdening your 500+ Facebook friends is a good way to get blocked or worse, un-friended. Don’t care? That’s cool. Then you won’t care when you seriously struggle attracting someone awesome, only tell all of your buddies, “I just wish I could find a girl who likes me for me.”

The Debater:

You will never guess where this guy stands politically, religious or otherwise. End sarcasm. He proudly lets the world know. Bombs his friend’s FB page looking for a fight. Starts political or religious debates on his own page, and then resorts to condescending comments to those who disagree. Purposely starts debates, and then chastises people for getting too heated and arguing. Or worse, encouraging it by taking the topics too serious.

He will debate you, online, until the sun sets. Then he’ll eat dinner, and debate you some more. Round and round he goes, where he stops no one knows. Quick to judge, slow to understanding. After every major political or religious event you can count on your news feed being plagued by opinions and banter.

So what is the issue? I support anyone’s ability to voice their multiple opinions over Facebook or anywhere. I’ll fight to the death, as our own soldiers and vets already have, to keep that right for anyone. But after a guy’s tenth daily post on why he hates whatever political party and how stupid they are, I get it. It isn’t like anyone will ask, “Hmm..I wonder who they support?” Nope, because you’ve been beaten senselessly by the opinions of whom they support. They also refuse to check their sources and you can usually Snopes the headlines and “news” they post.

This isn’t the guy who posts reasonable questions, ideas, or thoughts from time to time. This is a habit. Similar to the bleeder, their posts are like clockwork, continually getting a fix on the stirring of emotions the debates cause. So focused on being right, they’ve lost focus on what really matters. Emotion and identity then link into the idea of being right; therefore they interpret any argument against them as an assault on their identity and the defensive stance kicks in. There is no understanding that fact, truth, and opinion are three entirely separate things and that perception is key.

How do you fix this? If you are a really political guy, then that’s awesome. More power to you! We need people who are passionate about things that matter in this world. If something matters to you, fight for it. Just…not on your FB page. Why? Because it looks like you just want to fight. People feel they can’t talk to you or relate to you without your hammering them with your personal expertise on whatever issue is at hand. Whether you’re an expert or not. The irony is that most experts I know will let people speak their opinions on matters without shutting them down. They will listen, and speak if they feel the need. Even though they know more about the said topic than the person they’re talking to. It’s fascinating to watch.

I’d suggest getting a blog and/or website that posts your opinions and ideas and create a community. This way you’re not flooding people’s newsfeeds with opinions. People love getting behind an idea or cause, but most people don’t like the ideas or causes landing on them. If you recently have friended a few girls you have your eye on, it might be cool to start your own cause page. This way you make a difference and a lot of girls think that’s hot. “This guy has some serious passion.” It makes a huge difference.

The Dramateer:

Sort of like a Musketeer just…. without the sword and coolness…and just tons of drama added. Similar to the Bleeder and the Debater, this guy is very predictable. Only instead of posts about politics, religion, or how emo he is today, the posts are centered on whatever drama is going on at work, home, or love life. What’s worse is that he calls out people that aren’t even on his friend’s list to begin with while swimming in the drama pool.

The fun part about the Dramateer is he “hates” so much drama. Continually posting about how everyone needs to grow up, to stop causing so much drama, and how much he hates drama more than you. Truth is, he loves it. Like a living Novella, once one drama story is done, give it a few days and another begins. And where is he? Right smack dab in the middle of it. Like the Bleeder and Debater, you can mark on your calendar when the next story will begin.

So what’s the issue? Let’s face it; life has enough drama as it is without capitalizing on it or announcing your personal Novella on a loudspeaker. After a guy’s third epic drama outburst, women begin to think that it’s not everyone else, it’s the guy. A woman knows if she steps near that mess, more drama will unfold and probably pull her into it. And she knows he attracts it, lives it, and breathes it, whether he admits it or not. And it isn’t attractive. Not one bit. This is also a sheer sign of the inability to maintain healthy relationships. Big red flag.

How do you fix this? We understand the need to vent once in a while. We understand there can be drama and plot twists at work. But there must come a point where a guy is honest with himself and questions whether or not he is attracting this level of drama. Or what role he has in the story. If he is truly honest, he will find a way to stay out of the drama limelight, ignore the “haters” and move on.

A mentor of mine once said, “Does a stranger have that much weight in their opinion of you that you are willing to give them your emotion and energy? What makes you more upset, they made an uneducated opinion about you, or that you might actually believe that part of their insult is right?” Wise words to consider when approaching the level of drama you’re dealing with. Another question you might ask is, “What sort of secondary payoff am I getting for letting the world know of this drama that I say I hate to much.” Like the Bleeder, the Dramateer often posts with the intent of fishing for attention. If you absolutely need to vent, find a friend. Most friends will let you vent once in a while. Just don’t use up that credit card.

When I was a senior in High School, I ended up having to take an underclassman Algebra class. Mainly to make up for credits due to some car accident I was in that year that put me in a troubled teen hospital. But that’s another story. I hated Math. At that point in my life I hated a lot of things about school, life, people, and math.

Because my previous class was so close to this particular one, I was always the first there and I’d sit in the back. I was the only senior in that class and yes, I felt dumb. I struggled with Algebra and all forms of number issues. I always remember one kid who’d come into the room shortly after me. Probably a sophomore or possibly a freshman. I remember him because he was the poster child for stereotypical nerds. Big glasses, usually wore slacks, sometimes even a bow-tie..and yes…a pocket protector. In fact, as I’m writing this article I got out my year book, and there he is, in a bow-tie with his massive glasses. I guess he was a sophomore after all.

He usually tried to sit near the front and avoid contact with another boy who’d come in fourth or fifth or sometimes right after him. The other, kid, much larger, would stare him down and go sit a desk or two side-by-side with him. Never said anything but I recognized the larger boy because he was on the Junior Varsity football team and I had seen him hanging around that crowd a lot. Seemed decent enough, but the first time I saw him glare down the nerdy boy it struck me as odd. What could he have possibly against him?

That tiny moment, that predator stare, I recognized it immediately. I knew it because I remember that being done to me by other people. The predator stalks its prey, to feel powerful, or better about themselves, or to prove something. Whatever the case, I remembered that look all too well and it hit something in me. Like a switch going off. The predator was so focused it didn’t see the other eyes in the back of the room watching. Or it didn’t care. Either way that boy was now on my radar.

A few days passed and nothing ever came of it until later in the week I saw that look in the larger kid again. Teacher was out in the hall or wherever teachers go for 6 or 7 minutes between classes. But in he stalked, glaring down at the boy who would even look up. Then he just stopped, right in front of his desk and stood there. I knew what the boy sitting there felt like. This larger, “tougher,” boy just staring you down and you’re on eggshells, processing what to do to not look weak, but not make him upset as to take it out on you.

I watched, eagerly, because of all of the things I mentioned above that I hated…I hated bullies the most. A violent, sociopathic, non-healthy, sort of hate. (I had issues, judge as you will.) And as I watched the bully started to say something. To this day I don’t even remember what he was saying. I do remember he bumped the smaller kid’s desk with his leg and got all wild-eyed. The smaller kid answered meekly and was holding his pencil. I remember because I could see his hand shaking.

I’d had enough and said, “Is there a ****’n problem?” They both looked up at me shocked. I hadn’t spoken a word to anyone in that class since the 1st day. At first the bully had a look like, “who would dare?” then his skin turned pale. Then he made a statement about how he was just joking around and they were just friends. Funny how even in High School that excuse is still used.

I wasn’t a big kid, I was very scrappy and still fairly underdeveloped for my age, but at that point I didn’t care much for the rest of my school year. I begged God above to give me the chance to go crazy on this bully. Instead the bully sulked over to his seat still glaring at the other boy and muttered something under his breath. Coward. I spoke again, “He obviously doesn’t think so, if I ever see or hear of you bothering him again, you’ll have me as a problem.” He insisted he was joking to which I countered with telling him to shut his mouth along with other colorful words. From then on, in that class anyway, I was the predator watching his every move, not needing to ever speak again.

Later, after the end of the school year I was at a party at a friend’s house when a girl I had recognized approached me. She was an upper classman to me when I was still in High School. She thanked me for sticking up for her little brother. She then told me how that boy had bothered her little brother from 7th grade until his sophomore year relentlessly. Teachers never took the parent’s complaints too seriously and the torment would continue. After that little intervention, he never bothered her brother again. That is all it took.

I bring this up not to pat myself on the back, the world knows I have delivered my share of shame and detestable actions. I bring this up because I was reminded of this incident today as I read the headlines of yet another kid being bullied. Anymore you don’t have to look far and we had even written an about this some time ago.

Recently a boy had asked Santa to bring a Christmas present early. That present is to stop his sister from being bullied any further. No longer did he wish for a remote control car or helicopter, but instead to intervene on behalf of his sister. It has pierced his heart and he no longer knows where to go. I know many parents are doing their best, but so many questions need to be asked and so many children need to know this is not okay.

How do we begin to stand up for others? How do we fill the gap? In our seminars we mentioned how men, true masculine, mature, men, are protectors and defenders of those who cannot fend for themselves. No matter what race, gender, creed, or orientation. My grandfather once told me that some courage is standing up for what is right, or for someone else, when no one else will. I’m not sure how to close this except with one last question; what will you do to fill the gap, to stand for someone else? What will you do?

Hello, this is just a quick update about what is going on with Full 1mpact right now. It is currently the season for Comic Con. And we’ll be covering what we can for the short two days we’ll be there. Usually we’re there for the full event but we have a lot to prepare for next week.

Just to fill you in, we’ve covered Comic Con before and given advice on everything from convention etiquette to enjoying your inner geek. Which is what Comic Con is all about; enjoying that inner fun that you remember enjoying when you were a kid. Embracing your inner hero, and riding off into the sunset when it is all said and done. We hope to give you a good amount of pictures for those of you who couldn’t attend this year.

So what is it we’re preparing for that is next week? Kill the Boy II Series. This series dives deep into the psyche and habits of both men and boys. How boy-man/punk habits can be destructive and are the dividing line between boy behavior and true, mature, masculinity. This is what started Full 1mpact to begin with. This is the meat and potatoes of who we are and what we are about.

If you missed Part I, we will catch you up in the beginning, but we still urge you to come nonetheless. No matter what gender because what we are discussing is genuinely informative. I often hear the objections from other males about going to a “men’s group,” and comments like, “Well I’m pretty good, I have my life well figured out,” or “Why do I need another man telling me how to live.” Let’s be honest, quite often those are defensive objections to the stereotype idea that real men don’t need advice, direction, or coaching.

Everyone on staff here at Full 1mpact knows we will never know all there is to being the best we can be. The great Sam Keen, even wrote in his book, “Fire in the Belly,”; “Any definition of who we are is too limiting. I should approach myself like a country that will always contain unexplored wilderness and unfathomable seas. Who am I? More than I can ever know.”

Growing up I wish I had someone who could have properly showed me the ropes. Later on when I began to open myself to the vast study of masculinity I began to see I bought a lot of lies. And maybe still am. But what if I could create an organization that is about unveiling the truth, no matter how scary or threatening it may seem. Or no matter how much against the taught norms it may be. A question I often teach others to ask themselves is this, “What if I believe a lie, about being a man, that is preventing me from a truer sense of self and lifestyle? And would I want to know what it is if it were true?” Many guys believe they can find it on their own by just going through life on autopilot. I know I thought that. And maybe a few can. But I admit, I am always willing to know and learn more and willing to teach it to those hungry to be the best they can be at who they are.

The professional athletes have always known a secret that the average world cannot see the need for in everyday life. We subconsciously separate the playing field believing that it does not apply to the arena or working life we are in. But it is a lie. And that secret is the knowledge you can use a mentor or coach. A common saying we have in Full 1mpact, “Men embrace change and instruction, boys detest it.” (Which seems to run true so far.) But more on the mentorship aspect, from the words of Steve Siebold, who is one of the most successful business and professional coaches in the world.

The World Class is Coachable

Corporate America and entrepreneurs are starting to catch onto something athletes have always known: if you want to maximize your potential in anything, hire a coach. Coaching is to performance what leadership is to an organization. Since human beings are primarily emotional creatures, competent coaches are experts at stoking the fires that burn within – assuming there is already (at least) a small flame. Coaches can’t create the flame, but the good ones can turn a small flame into a blow torch. World-class coaches won’t even accept a client if they fail to find a flame inside. They know the flame is the prerequisite for greatness. Average people will only accept the amount of coaching their egos will allow. Champions are well known for being the most open to the world-class coaching. The bigger the champion, the more open-minded they are. They great ones couldn’t care less about ego satisfaction when it comes to improving their results –all they’re looking for is an edge, no matter how slight. Their logic behind this is simple: when two champions go head to head, many times the only thing that favors the winner is a slight edge in thinking, strategy and technique. All champions look for that one little advantage that great coaching can provide. –177 Mental Toughness Secrets of the World Class

And with that note! I will see you next week as we explore the adventure of learning more about true masculinity.

Full 1mpact, being advocates of change, have always encouraged finding new ways of changing the world around us in a positive way. Some embrace change, others detest and fear it, and many sit on the sidelines and merely complain about it. But I believe that many would like to impact others in a positive and cause positive change, but don’t know how or where to start.

What if you could do one thing a day, every day, for the rest of your life to cause positive change in the world closest to you? What would that life look like? And what if that habit caught on to others? Sometimes we buy the idea that being a voice, or a champion, is this large and grandioso event when really it is being faithful to the smaller things. And when you put those smaller things together they make a much larger picture that impacts the worlds around you. What if you could change your world? What would it look like? And where would you start?

Well, perhaps you could start here first.

1. Light Up One Person’s Day, Every Day:

A while back I had posted a question, asking, “If you could light up one person’s day, every day; a different person a day, what kind of life would that be like?” Those were my exact words. I was asking myself as much as everyone else. I wanted to see for myself. And guess what, it’s easier than you might think.

Many will make excuses as to why they can’t or how difficult it might be without thinking out of the box just for a moment long enough to see that it isn’t that hard. Let me show you just how easy it can be. On my Facebook account I have over 400 friends. More friends than there are days of the year. The majority, if not all of them, I know and more than an acquaintance basis. How hard would it be to write a kind, thoughtful, note to a different person a day? Or say you don’t have that many friends, write to one or more of them several times a year perhaps. Or write a handwritten note of appreciation to a co-worker. From that area of thought, what about sending a card to someone randomly just to say you had them in mind. Birthday cards are loved by all, btw. For guys this isn’t always popular, but it is well received. Keep that in mind.

Before an excuse makes its way through, I want to add that it takes less than five minutes. I know because I’ve been doing this for a year now. One person a day, every day. That note can make a huge difference in the outcome of someone’s day. Even if it isn’t epic, it’s still thoughtful and appreciated. Steve Siebold, in his 177 Mental Toughness Secrets of the World Class book writes about how champions understand the power of praise and use it lavishly. Not over the top, not in a way that is supposed to flatter, but fairly and with heart.

You may be the one person that reaches out to someone who didn’t even know they needed it. You’re not doing this for praise; you’re doing this because you can. Because you have the power to change someone’s day. Use it lavishly.

2. Give:

Give money, time, baked goods, groceries, piano lessons, whatever you want, to someone in need. And give selflessly with no need of a “thank you.” Donate to a charity you believe in. But donate effectively. Donate in way that changes lives. Example; There are several walks or short marathons that help needy people.

If you go on a cancer walk, you get to see survivors and hear stories of people you could possibly help. If you go to a Make a Wish event you get to meet kids who, in many cases, have a better grip on their own mortality than most adults. You get to meet them, and by simply giving a small amount of your time walking you are changing a life.

Donate blood to blood bank and save a life. Doesn’t take much time and someone may need it later. Or how about donating groceries to a local food bank or needy family you know. Many of you reading this attend a church, synagogue, or temple, and I have yet to walk into any of those who don’t have a family who attends that could use groceries.

3. Random Acts of Kindness:

This concept can sometimes come across very vague. But there are a lot of ways to accomplish the random acts of kindness. I know many people who have elderly neighbors who need yard work done, so they go over and mow their lawn or trim their bushes for free. For those who live in hard winter states you can scoop their walkways.

Sure it may take a bit of time, but the gratitude they will have is immeasurable. But there are other ways too. Helping a neighbor move even if they didn’t ask. Volunteering yourself for something without being asked to do it. If you see someone’s car out of commission you can stop and see if there is a way you can help.

One of the ways I enact this is easy and sort of leads into number four on this list. I often go to restaurants where the server is extraordinarily good. They don’t have to be superhuman good; they just have to be pretty good. And on the receipt where I have to sign and give a tip; I will often write a quick note about how well they did. (And tip a bit more than the average person because I understand that working in a serving environment is not easy.) For those of you who serve, or have served in the past, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Little notes, offering to help, randomly taking a friend out to eat, giving your time to someone in need; are all examples of ways you can show kindness. You may not always get thanked, but that is okay. That’s not why you’re doing it. You’re doing it to change the world nearest to you.

4. Praise the Help:

In number three I mentioned how I’d write a note on a server’s receipt with praise about their work. That’s just one example. At a local theme park I often strike a quick conversation with the workers and tell them how grateful I am that they work there, because without them the park couldn’t run. They don’t hear that enough. I guarantee you. Tell them how polite they are, or how they’re one of the most cheerful of the help. Whatever the case may be, simply tell them with a smile. You will make their day.

Taking this a step further, tell their boss. One habit I really enjoy is finding a really good worker and asking for their immediate manager. They always look concerned. (19 out of 20 times they are getting a complaint.) I’ll point out the worker and say, “That person over there, I have a report on them…” or something to that extent. Now the manager really looks concerned. And I’ll remain very serious, but genuine, and say, “They are probably one of the best workers you have. You’d be a fool to let them go.” Then watch as their demeanor changes. Watch as they smile and go to the worker to praise them as well. Sometimes in front of the other staff.

Most of the time in the corporate setting the majority of feedback a worker gets is criticism with tiny, tiny, tiny tidbits of praise. So miniscule that the criticism is where the focus is. Your public recognition of their hard work will make a difference. All too often we simply want our food and only pay attention if the service is bad. Try paying attention to when the service is good and see what results you get!

On two occasions, that I’m aware of, at a local restaurant I enjoy frequenting, I’ve seen staff that was really good at what they did promoted shortly after the public praise. Was I a direct result of that? I don’t know, but whatever the case, it probably helped.

Harry Gordon Selfridge, who started the Selfridge’s department stores in England, thought it was so important to lead staff rather than boss staff even wrote about it in his book, “The Romance of Commerce.” This was written in 1918, when employment laws were much worse than they are today. Few felt the need to praise the help, especially employers. Why would they? They were employees, why would they need any recognition for just doing their job? Mr. Selfridge thought differently and was known for publicly and loudly praising staff on a job well done. He wrote in his book, “A boss drives his men, a leader coaches them; a boss depends on authority, a leader on goodwill; a boss knows how it is done, a leader shows how.” He goes on to show the difference and the importance of recognition. It’s easy.

5. Be Present and Listen:

Sometimes the only thing a friend needs is your presence. Words will matter little, and advice will matter even less. I cannot tell level of gratitude I had when life had kicked me to the curb and a friend made it known that they were there for me. They didn’t give advice, they didn’t try to steer or control the situation, and they just listened. Because really that is all I needed.

On the other side, I have had times where I just needed the presence of a friend, but instead got a lecture. Often the lecturer knew as little about the topic, trouble, or situation, as I did. But were eager to give ill-informed advice nonetheless. To be on the receiving end isn’t fun, but because you’re friends you also do not want to burst their often self-righteous bubble. Their intention is good, but the delivery is something to be desired.

Being present is a bit of an art form. To be present is to allow your spirit to connect to theirs by empathizing to the nature of the drama, so to speak. Empathizing to their spirit, their pain or wound, and not offering advice. Simply listening, allowing yourself to walk through the course, concerned, but strong because you are there. By exploring this walk you learn as much about your spirit as you do theirs, often.

There have been a number of times, eager to give advice; I know I had overstepped my bounds by trying to be a mouthpiece, rather than just being present. However, the times I’ve stopped, listened, learned, and reached out, I learned as much about myself as I did them. I prevented myself from judging and simply allowed myself to learn. To seek the words I was hearing and pull them deep. Perhaps see if I too had a similar wound. And if not, to try and allow myself to feel what it must be like.

When I was much younger and went camping with my grandparents, I would often sit in the campgrounds with my grandfather on lawn chairs, watching nature. Not a word would be spoken, but the presence of one another was enough to be meaningful beyond normal understanding. It was as though watching the trees, birds, and river flow, allowed us to grow spiritually like nature itself. Those moments, watching the Sun dive beneath the evergreens in the mountains and hearing the river murmur to the trees, are like gold. In recent years I try hard to be that presence to friends who need it or family who needs it.

All of these examples are just simple ways of changing the world near you. I’m sure many of you could find hundreds of other examples, these are just my favorite. There are numerous ways to change the world to a more positive way, but you have to start somewhere. Rather than expressing an armchair opinion on an over-opinionated forum, stand up and begin doing something about it. One day, you’ll look back and be grateful you did. And those nearest to you will be richer for it.

So where to begin? I suppose by just jumping in the pool with the attempt of being heard. As a man against violence towards women and children, and other people. When speaking with another friend of mine about this article and some hang-ups I’d been having he asked if I thought there was ever a time violence was appropriate. I said, flatly, “never.” He then raised his eyebrows and said, “Really? Then why were you a boxer and still enjoy combat sports.” That’s the truth. I love combat sports. I always have. The drama, the victory, the hard work, all of it is exciting to me.

So lets be clear, the violence I am NOT talking about is boxing, MMA, or other combat sports where two trained athletes or fighters are entering an arena knowing full well what they are about to get into. Some people hate even that level of violence. I do not hate it, I very much enjoy it. But that isn’t what I’m writing about here.

The violence I am so adamantly against is one person abusing another person. Abusing by either bullying, sexually abusing someone, verbally, or physically in some way. Part of my frustration is this common belief in victim shaming. The common idea is that the victim must have done something to provoke that behavior. I remember experiencing this first had in Kindergarten. Without going into heavy detail about my home situation with a step-parent, I went to my teacher. I was five years old. I told her I had been struck, several times. Her response was, “Well, what did you do so that happened?” I’ll never forget the sense of solitude I would carry from that day forward. I would later go on to tell two others who could have done something but did nothing, or had similar responses.

What could a child, of 5 yrs, do to provoke being slammed into a wall or stricken by an adult? The answer is nothing. It is a five year old child. What about women? The answer remains the same. I even had a gentleman once ask me, “What if she a hostile woman and is physically abusive herself?” I answered with, “Why would you stay in any relationship with physical violence? Or any violence for that matter?”

Violence is a choice, ladies and gentlemen. You can act on it, or you can control it. Or you can speak up and get help. Two things work against a lot of victims. One is victim shaming, where somehow the victim is part of this dance. The other is the silence of others who know about it. Either willingly in denial or using the scapegoat of, “It’s none of my business.” If it is public, it is your business. If you can hear it through your living room walls it is your business. Hearing it is witnessing it. Stand up because you might end up being someone’s guardian angel when they need it the most. I cannot tell you the number of times I wished someone would have stepped in for me.

I also challenge you to support a local charity or a group, like Amnesty International. Which brings me to the next part of this story; As I was clearing my thoughts and going through what material to use I came across an article about a strong girl named Heather and a gentleman, Sir Patrick Stewart. In this clip he is at a fan convention and asked a question aside from his acting, aside from his known role as Captain Pickard. His reaction is that of a true man. One who has not only experienced the trauma in his own way, but is making a stand. And the girl, a lucky Heather Skye; who asked the question and received love, comfort, and reassurance from one human, to another.

Heather, there are those who are championing the cause, as we all know you are. Lead on and never stop. Men, you must also lead by example to your fellow man. Stick up for those who cannot stick up for themselves. Step in, speak up, speak out, and cover those who cannot cover themselves. It is a thankless job at times, you will be challenged, but you will never regret standing in the gap for those who cannot stand for themselves.

Years ago when deciding to be a part of Full 1mpact, I envisioned a place where guys could be a part of something where they could grow in a stable environment. I saw a place that teaches everything from health and sexuality, to true masculinity. In that vision was a group that decided we would not be fooled by pop-media, nor would we bow down to broken belief systems that are harmful to everyone. That choice was spawned by my own journey through myths, lies, and half-truths that pepper a boy’s growing up experience.

In that journey I had to literally swim through information and misinformation from one study group to another or from one men’s guru, to another. But this has never stopped. Every bit of information I find, I keep. Good or bad. The reason is simple; I want to help where I needed help during my life span. That vision I mentioned? Yeah, the one where guys learn about real masculinity? We can’t teach that if we don’t understand or haven’t experienced the triumphs or failures ourselves. Recently we’ve been going through the Man Myths curriculum, in doing so we’ve had to once again swim through the video guru’s and leaders to find some gold. In doing so, I’ve stumbled across a myriad of misinformation. It is no wonder boys have such a misunderstanding as to the steps to manhood.

I going to write about three recent videos I came across while exploring the net on men’s leaders, guru’s, teachers, mentors, etc. I am not going to mention their name, business, name of company or ministry. This isn’t to slander them as an individual. This is also not to do a comparison of us to them. This is simply to point out some teachings I came across that I believe are damaging. I believe most of these guys are earnest in their teachings and really believe they are helping. I also don’t want to give them anymore web traffic than needed if I can help it. I’m writing this to give an alternate viewpoint.

Video Guru #1:

In the search for helping guys create that spark of attraction with women I had to dig through endless amounts of material form world renown pickup artists to attraction gurus. Most are misunderstood in the nature of their teachings, but many are just trying to help guys with absolutely rubbish dating skills. They teach guys who just have no idea where to start but would really like to be with a girl. Thus bringing me, Guru 1.

The main teachings: Guru 1 has a huge reputation in the pickup artist community and has even had several reality shows to back up his skills. He teaches guys scripted techniques on how to talk to women to create the attraction. Just as important he also teaches perfect body language to project to a girl to create attraction and uses sociological and psychological techniques that have been long considered controversial, despite how effective those techniques might be. His shtick is that the scripts work and has even had boot camp contests for men, where the guy who picks up a girl fastest with his scripted techniques wins a trip to his mansion and other prizes.

The Issue: I have read cover to cover, most of this man’s books. He comes from a place of fierce female rejection and humiliation at a young age when he just wanted to be with a beautiful girl. So he tries to spare men that same pain. The issue at hand is that it’s scripted. I’m not talking pick-up lines or lame jokes, I am talking about well thought out and planned scripts with body language and everything. As though you are an actor in a movie. And that is the problem.

Men are taught that this is all they need to know. Many master the techniques and do very well with the ladies. There are also blogs about where to go after you’ve gotten her home a few times. How then do you develop an actual relationship? You see, the script only teaches you how to create a cardboard cutout of a man, display it, and hope the girl doesn’t see behind it.

As a teacher he hasn’t taught the guys internal steps to great character, how to treat a woman for long-term romance, or how to communicate that direction if that is where your interest is. In a recent article sex expert, Timaree Schmit, posted; “When Can We Bang?” http://sexwithtimaree.com/2013/01/30/when-can-we-bang/ she covers the importance of a pure line of communication. Something we’ve also stressed at Full 1mpact. There is nothing wrong with honest communications about your intentions.

On a side note, as I said previously, I have read this man’s material. I believe for guys who are just starting to test the waters in talking to beautiful, attractive, women, this is a good way to get their feet wet and actually obtain some confidence to try talking to women using these techniques. Sort of like a starter kit. But for guys who want deep game, this shouldn’t by any means be permanent. Let’s move on.

Video Guru #2:

The main teachings: He believes too many men put women on a pedestal. (I agree.) However he also refers to a woman’s attitude when disagreeing with your attempts of “attraction” as a “bitch attitude” and warns against it. Like Guru 1, he teaches forms of body language that is linked to the sub-conscious and therefore comes across as much stronger and more persuasive, if not purely manipulative. He often refers to women in derogatory form and is applauded by his audience.

He does side courses on confidence, but it is usually peppered with what I call “comparison confidence” where your confidence is derived from something inferior about someone else. In his main teaching he makes these three claims: 1. He can get you laid faster than any other teaching guru. 2. The women won’t know what to do about you. (This I actually agree, but from the sheer shock of offense spewed their way.) 3. You will learn to be a true Alpha-Male.

The Issue: Where do I begin? Guru 2 also comes from a background of deep seeded rejection stemming all the way from his mother, he admits in a video interview from 2004. His teachings dive straight into the fountain of misogynistic fortitude. Though he deeply believes he is helping young men get “laid the easy way,” he is constantly teaching from a platform of “Us against Them.” He constantly degrades women and hints at Rape Culture with his subconsciously persuasive “touch” body language where he has taught that an innocent pat on the butt is okay if it’s done correctly. Where I come from that can be considered sexual assault.

Putting anyone, (Women, Men, a specific race) in a place of “lesser than you,” helps no one. It stems from lack of understanding, and reaps destructive relationships. It also promotes the mistreatment of women and men you see lesser than yourself. To me, that is bullying and is not an okay attribute.

Guru 2’s Alpha Male Club teachings; A true man never has to compare or prove himself to anyone but himself. And a supposed “alpha” never has to belittle other men as a way of making themselves as higher status. There is little I find helpful about Guru 2’s teachings. The majority is offensive and comes across really manipulative.

Video Guru #3:

The Main Teachings: This gentleman is a teacher who often teaches in men’s seminars on helping boys become men and does a fairly decent job of pointing out boy behavior that continues into adulthood. He also identifies the struggle with modern time’s inability to distinctly identify real manhood or masculinity. Often uses the media as an example of how marketing targets young men in their ads. “Real men buy this,” or “Real men want this thing,” and then young men go out and buy those very objects in hoping to be “real men.”

He goes into detail about how real men skip adolescents and understand 5 basic sociological changes that move them straight into adulthood. Guru 3 also teachings men on becoming givers, and not takers and those real men don’t need to acquire large school debts or credit card debts buying toys. He then calls people out for enabling a long list of unattractive boy behavior. And those people are mothers, sisters, and girlfriends to these boys. Because they’re enabling and allowing this behavior.

The Issue: Though I find myself agreeing on the behavior aspect of his teachings and also the increasing inability of guys to identify what it takes to be a real man, I am afraid that Guru 3 speaks in half-truths. Though he successfully labels the five major sociological changes boys have made over the centuries that helped step them into manhood, it is taught as, “Do these five things, and you will be a man.” It comes across as though it is just that simple. But it isn’t that simple, especially when the majority of masculinity stems from the internal, not the external.

When he teaches on boy behaviors that carry into adulthood, he uses a tactic I refer to as shame teaching. This is a tactic used where you make fun of the people doing the undesired behavior, usually in your audience, explain the undesired scenario, and teach it in a way that shames the people that may have done said behavior. I’ve seen this style in the corporate world, I’ve seen in done by my own teachers, my peers in middle school when I didn’t go out for a sport, and I’ve done it myself to others. It is relatively ineffective, and doesn’t give the steps a person needs to improve if they lack the skills or tools.

He preaches on to say men should know their vocation and just go into it without acquiring school debt. I find this impossible if you believe your calling is a doctor, psychologist, lawyer….the list goes on. I do not believe most people can pay for extensive schooling with cash, nor do I believe anyone is less of a man for needing loans to finish school. This has NOTHING to do with masculinity.

Lastly, Guru 3 calls out the guys for their cowardice behavior, their unattractive behavior, and then calls out the people who’ve enabled such behavior. Moms and girlfriends. The women of these boys’ lives. He fails to mention the Fathers role in all of this. So he solely places the finger on women as the enablers of that behavior in the upbringing of the boy to a man. This creates a woman dishonoring attitude and a chance to use them as an excuse for such behavior.

Though I will agree that a mom, as a parent, is responsible for raising their own children, the father’s role is just as crucial if not more so in laying out the steps of walking into manhood. (Which Guru 3 also fails to mention.) In the hours of shame teaching, making fun of men who have no confidence, and scapegoating the issues; he also fails in giving distinct steps to take to help with any of the issues he has with guys. He is, however, happy to go on rants at how many of the men in his congregation irritate and frustrate him.

One of my long time mentors, Eben Pagan, once taught a seminar on teaching useful information. He said, “As a teacher you can never assume your audience even knows the basics of what you know. That assumption will not interpret the way you want it to and you will lose your listeners.” Without practical steps to take, tools, and useful advice one becomes just another opinion on a matter that would probably be useful if had the vehicle to get there. And that is what we always strive to do at our seminars; to give you the proper steps to take that anyone can apply to their lives for improvement. Until next time.