Tim's Touhous/Top Tens!

Hey all! What happens when I need a good distraction from life, a good excuse to stay awake into ludicrous hours of the morning, and am just overall bored and confused? The first Touhou top ten list of this blog, of course! And what way to start off the strongest blog than by posting the top 10 STRONGEST Touhou characters? (No, Cirno is not on the list. Her power level is Over 9000, but in Gensokyo, that doesn’t count for shit.)

It’s often a point of debate as to who the “strongest” Touhou characters are. Some are agreed on, some are SLIGHTLY agreed on, but then there’s just another 100 characters that people aren’t really sure where to rank. I’m here to make life easy for the newcomers, and to make life hell for me once all the naysayers start reading. So, without further bullshitery, here we go!

10. Yuuka Kazami

Let the flaming begin by the people who are infuriated that their beloved Youkai Moe ended up so low on the list. Remember, kids, being #10 on this list means you are a broken, over-powered freak. Don’t cry.

My justification for placing Youkai Moe at number 10 is that while she is absolutely deadly and beautiful in battle, her ability is really nothing to write home about in and of itself. In fact, in a world where pretty much every single character’s power can be stretched to mean something broken, no matter how weak it sounds, you don’t really get all that godlike with the manipulation of flowers. Still, Yuuka has been around long enough to hold her own in a fight. So even though she may not be as hax as the characters higher up on the list, Yuuka could still probably beat quite a few of them in battle, especially if they dared step on her flowers.

9. Sakuya Izayoi

No joke, people have argued to me that the perfect and elegant maid should be #1 on this list. To be honest, it’s difficult to argue with, but I’m still just giving her the distinction of being on the list at all. Sakuya may just be “the stage 5 boss” in Scarlet Devil, and she may be a subordinate, and she may not fight much, but you have to admit, her ability is pretty much god-like.

In the words of Patchouli Knowledge, Sakuya enjoys “toying with time and space.” She takes the 2 great cosmic mysteries of infinity, and makes them her playthings! This arbitrary control can be spun to mean quite a few things, and has been shown in official works to have many practical applications. In game, she is often seen stopping time to set up attacks, and is seen making the interior of the mansion larger than the exterior. In the manga, she used her time/space manipulation to make it stop raining. Yeah. If it can be used to make it stop raining, it can be used for a whole ton of other freaky shit, and that’s why she (not Cirno) is #9 on the strongest list.

8. Suwako Moriya

Does putting “the god who created the earth” on a list of the strongest beings really warrant an excuse? Suwako has many distinctions, from the aforementioned, to her above-average fashion sense (a remarkable feat in this series) to being one of the few (if not the only) confirmed non-virgin characters in the entire Touhou series.

As I said, being a god, her existence on this list is kind of self-explanatory, but like having a power level Over 9000, godhood isn’t really all that impressive in Gensokyo in and of itself. Nay, you have to EARN your awesomeness. While Suwako’s ability to create earth is very impressive, and surprisingly applicable in battle, her main power is her ability to summon the Mishaguji, a powerful curse god. Yes, a curse GOD. Suwako’s not just any other god, kids. She made other gods her bitches, and that gets her respect from other gods as well as her followers. While she may not be the most powerful deity in the world (more on that later <.< >.>) she’s probably both the most respected and the most personable, and the mere act of being a god who commands legions of gods is enough to land a spot on this list.

Also, the eyes are watching you. ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD!

7. Kanako Yasaka

Yes. I’m sorry. Kanako is more powerful than Suwako. She kicked her ass. In an actual fight. Not this flashy spell card nonsense. Kanako legitimately defeated Suwako in an actual war outside of Gensokyo’s rules. It happened. Yes, Suwako is an EX-boss. That’s cuz Suwako had virtually nothing to do with the plot of Mountain of Faith (while being more prominently involved in Subterannean Animism and Hisoutensoku…) but ZUN still probably wanted to introduce the character because, as I explained, she was gonna be real important later.

Kanako is the god of the sky, and if you ask me, the ability to create sky can be “spun” a bit more than the ability to create earth. Just by my reckoning. Ambiguity is power in this universe. Unfortunately, Kanako is also one of the m0re evil characters in Gensokyo and is constantly getting the heroines in trouble with her shenanigans, even introducing herself by trying to attack Reimu and the Hakurei Shrine outright to establish dominance in the region. Even still, the final boss in the next game, Utsuho Reiuji, is only as powerful as she is because of Kanako’s intervention (literally giving nuclear weapons to cavemen.) Truly, Kanako has proven herself time and time again to be a legitimate threat, and the most powerful god in Gensokyo.

… or IS she?…

6. Shinki

Has anyone noticed how many characters in Touhou start with the letter “S”? Think about it.

Anyway, yes, the god, ruler and creator of the demonic realm of Makai, Shinki. While, despite being analogous to Satan in a lot of ways, she’s actually rather pleasant, she can still kick your ass with skill AND ease.

The reasons she is here should be obvious to anyone familiar with the character. She created an entire dimension and all the lifeforms therein (including Alice Margatroid). However, what her abilities specifically are? Total mystery. It’s possible she’s completely omnipotent, we just don’t know. Like I said before, ambiguity is power in Gensokyo, but from what we’ve seen firsthand, Shinki trumps both Suwako and Kanako in the ability department for creating not only her own earth and sky, but also creating LIFE ITSELF (well, arguably Suwako accomplished this, but in a more traditional way). Creating life from pure will is basically where the word “godlike” maximizes.

Also, where are you Shinki? Most people ask for Mima to return to the games, but honestly, Shinki is a much more interesting character, especially considering her relationship to Alice.

5. Reimu Hakurei

I don’t care how many times you’ve cried as a bullet has collided with your hitbox, resulting in the bitter, strident “hit” sound effect we all know and dread. I don’t care how many times you’ve been bedazzled by that seemingly impassible curtain of bullets time and time again.

Simply put, it doesn’t matter if YOU suck. REIMU. IS. BADASS.

Canonically, Reimu has handed pretty much every other character’s ass to them on a platter at least once if not more, but what makes her so goddamn hax is her broken ability. Yes, “the ability to fly” is a broken ability. You might say, “Surely you jest, knave, for all denizens of Gensokyo are innately skilled in the discipline of flight!” I would say, “‘Tis true, good sir, but dost they have the ability to fly… ABOVE REALITY ITSELF?” Yes. This has been confirmed, and has appeared in-game. I’m not shitting you. Get a complete score.dat of Imperishable Night, and attempt spell card #215, “Fantasy Heaven.” ZUN even states, “If it wasn’t just for play, no one could beat her with any method.” She can fly above reality. Deal with it.

OK, so no one could beat that spell card by any method, but there are characters that are all-around more powerful… and this is where the real controversy starts.

4. Keine Kamishirasawa (Hakutaku Form)

I’d say “surprised?” to start this one off, but you gotta watch what you say on a Touhou list, otherwise some people may think I was foreshadowing to a truly outrageous claim.

Anyway… yup. She may have been the EX-midboss (and a mere Stage 3 boss in her human form), but EX-Keine’s ability is just completely and totally broken and hax. Though she’s not aggressive or mean enough to utilize its full potential in combat, EX-Keine has the power to create history. More specifically, she is the ONLY ONE with the power to create history. Events occurring in time do not make something history. The will of EX-Keine is what makes something history. ZUN has stated that EX-Keine is truly above nature and can reconstruct existence on a whim by changing and recreating the history of the universe. Such acts supposedly are personified by danmaku in Spell Card #214, but such things really cannot be depicted, or even comprehended, by anyone but those as wise as Keine.

This is one history class you won’t want to sleep through.

3. Remilia Scarlet

And HERE’S the one people were probably least expecting.

Yes, I have Remilia at number 3. Yes, I’m going to tell you why, just stop foaming at the mouth.

Remilia is the vampire mistress of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and Sakuya is her subordinate, and I believe there is a reason for that. Reimu can float above reality, EX-Keine can create new history, but Remilia can manipulate fate. Ya know, destiny. In a nutshell, Remilia can basically pick and chose what happens, given the will and the fortitude. Theoretically, Remilia manipulated fate so that Sakuya would live longer. Perhaps it was Remilia that gave Sakuya her power. Who knows? All I know is that as far as I’m concerned, fate overrides history and reality. It has been explicitly stated that her manipulation of fate could result in species changes. Could Remilia manipulate the fate of Keine so as to make her entirely human? It’s quite possible. And given her unpleasant and haughty demeanor, Remilia is the sort that would flaunt this ability and stretch it to impossible levels.

2. Suika Ibuki

Just kidding! Anyhow, Suika is an oni. There’s really know denying that when it comes to physical strength, she can’t be bested. She could literally pick up a mountain and throw it at you if she had reason to. It’s been said that she’s completely unstoppable. Still, even getting past her more-than-sufficient physical strength, her ability is equally broken. Suika can manipulate density. She can erase her own density almost entirely and turn into a mist, covering all the land in her eyesight and influence. Or, she could create a singularity in the middle of your body, thus making you implode. Luckily, Suika is kind of difficult to piss off, and even when she is causing trouble, it’s usually not explicitly malicious.

Overall, Suika’s ability pretty much speaks for itself. Most people who know the series probably aren’t surprised to see her on the #2 slot… and those who both know the series and know me probably already know who I’m going to give the #1 slot to, so let’s just cut to the chase.

1. Yukari “Watch Me Give Your God a Wedgie” Yakumo

Ah, Yukari. The youkai that lurks in the boundary… specifically the boundary that once separated omnipotent primordial beings from everyday internet forum trolls. Verily, for those who are new to the series, Yukari is the youkai of boundaries. She can manipulate boundaries. ANY boundary. Like, the boundary between good and bad. The boundary between orange and blue. The boundary between 4.83 and a sturgeon. Even the boundary between Lake Storakersvatnet, Episcopal Church of St. John the Baptist and Representative Lou Gentile. If it’s a boundary, she can make, break, or otherwise tweak it. It’s probably the most broken goddamn power any character in any fiction has ever had, period. You want proof? She could easily bust open the boundary between her face and Cthulhu. Wouldn’t THAT be a sight to see?

Of all the Touhou characters, Yukari also has the most understanding of all worlds and the most experience. She’s been seen to know how to work iPods and Nintendo DSes because of her frequent trips to our world. It’s technically her job to maintain the boundary between our world and Gensokyo, but because she’s so powerful, she’s incredibly laid back.

Yukari is the extremely rare example of when “With great power comes no responsibility” actually works for her and pretty much everyone around her, even though she does love using her powers to troll random people. But still, it’s a fucking broken power. Yukari is awesome.