Tuesday, April 24, 2007

I Think He's Totally Under-rated And Deserves A Second Chance

Dear Jack Bauer,

Hi, I'm a washed up child actor who had tremendous success when I was young and cute but am now totally ignored by the Big Hollywood System. I am of dubious note but even though I'm not one of the many Cory's my mom still has all my issues of Tiger Beat. Unfortunately that's as far as my star has risen. I get no love. No small proof of that is the fact that I wasn't even invited to do the end title song in "Dickie Roberts" and that movie had Leif Garreitt. Crap, that movie even had Adam Rich and he died of a heroin overdose while getting mugged 30 years ago. It's awkward for me every where I go in Hollywood. I feel exactly like Jerry Lewis at the Las Vegas premier for "Oceans 11", the original one, not that crappy remake.

So since you've managed to dust off Chad Lowe, C.Thomas Howell and totally rescue Ricardo Schroder's failing career (calling him "Ricky" in the credits was your idea, wasn't it) could you do the same for me? I bet those guys are getting tons of tail down on The Strip since their special guest cameo's on "24." You really know how to help a brother out as the gangstas say. My career needs a pick-me-up bad and since we worked together I was hoping I could get a boost back up that ladder.

Really it would do me tons of good. I'm tired of hanging around with Phillip Michael Thomis, Garfunkle, that other Corey and Kel Mitchel. I hate the fact that the only pussy I get is either Dawn French or the bald guy from "Tenacious D".

Remember when we did that movie together and I was one of your underlings. I'd be happy to reprise my role or something similar on "24." Fuck, I'd even be happy if you took movies of me getting tortured. I'd even let you do it for real as long as it's not with a hood over my face and you do put my name in the credits.

How about it? Can you save me from having to rob that 7-11 outside Las Vegas just to see my name in the tabloids? Can you save my career? I can guarantee both members of my fan club will tune in and give your show all kinds of mad boosts in the ratings. Seriously consider me for even 20 seconds out of Jack Bauers day. Since Keanu won't return any of my calls... I really need this.