embracing new dreams​born from the ashes of the old ones

How do I know if a man is worth developing a relationship with? How do I know if he has the character to be a good husband? Well, here are my top six ways to know if a guy is worth it.

Note: I hesitated to post this, because of the fear that people would mistake it as a "This is my laundry list of qualifications for my future husband," which is not at all the intent. I wrote it--and now share it--because I think my thought processes here have some value for the young woman who seeks guidance in these matters and wants to set her standards responsibly.

These last few months, I have become increasingly aware of a desperate need: We ladies need to pray for men. I don’t mean that we single ladies need to pray for our future husbands. Sheesh, we’ve been doing that for a long time! I mean that we need to pray for men in general, for God to equip warriors, husbands, and fathers among the community and in the church. Let me share an astonishing statistic with you. According to statistics cited in “The Quest for Authentic Manhood” curriculum:

This week I learned that one of the men with whom I’ve worked the last six years passed away. As I drove home after learning this terrible news, tears welled up in my eyes and overflowed onto my cheeks. “Oh God,” I whispered. “I knew he was battling cancer and that he hadn’t been to many of the meetings recently. I meant to send him a card, to let him know how much I appreciated the kindness he always showed me, and the optimism and experience he brought to the board meetings. But I didn’t know how serious his health was, and one thing led to another. I never sent that card—and now I never can. I’m so sorry, God. I’m so sorry I missed my chance.”

I have been learning recently that life is all about relationships. That’s the purpose of life, the task of life, and the point on which judgment will be based.

First, life is about my relationship with Christ.

When I say this, I don’t mean that I need to simply believe in Jesus Christ, though it is important. The Bible reports that the demons believe in Jesus Christ (James 2:19). Does that mean that they are saved? No.

1. We judge what we perceive to be unethical.

“It’s not right,” I told my mother. “So-and-so runs a puppy mill. She breeds her dogs constantly for more litters, and most of her dogs are so inbred that they have serious genetic deformities.”

“I know that a puppy mill is a very unethical operation,” Mom said. “But think for a moment. That woman is a single mother, in the poorest town of the county. She’s trying to make an income. What else is she going to do? Sell drugs like everyone else in her town?”

Having written about how to confront someone lovingly, I feel it is important to add a postscript to the discussion, and that is: It is not our job to change the other person. It's simply our job to communicate with the other person. Change is up to God.

Over and over, I see people (particularly women) reinterpret the idea of lovingly confronting someone into subtly manipulating someone to change. Let me explain how this works, and why it can be a relationship-killer.

In one of the autobiographical stories by Scottish veterinarian James Herriot, he describes how he courted a beautiful young woman named Helen. Jim was impressed with Helen’s kindness toward her aging and lonely father, whose wife had died some years before. Jim then reminded his young male readers that, when they consider a woman for marriage, they should take a passing glance at how she treats her father, because that is how the woman will treat her husband someday. Jim’s instincts were right, because the kindness, respect, and skill that Helen had given to her father were brought into her marriage with Jim.

In the last post, "Why Physical Boundaries Matter," I explained why those physical boundaries should be an important part of a woman's relationship with a man. Now we get to the nitty-gritty: Why do so many good intentions regarding physical boundaries fail? I believe it is because we make three main mistakes when setting those boundaries.

Boundaries must be specific.

"I think it would be sweet to save my first kiss for when I get married," a young woman once told me. "But I don't know what will happen."

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Meet Yaasha

None of my life has gone the way it was "supposed to go," but I don't love my life any less because of the hardships and new directions. I see so much unexpected good in it, and I want others to see the good in theirs.