10 Tips For Attracting Better Men

If this is your first introduction to my writing, I unfortunately feel that I need to give a disclaimer: The majority of my articles, since I am a man, are focused around suggestions on how men can become better and live better lives. So please do not get the impression from this article that I intend to tell women how to act or am critical of the opposite gender.

That being said, many questions I get online and in person when participating on panels, are from women about why they can’t find a good man. Where are they? Are they really looking for a relationship or are they just putting up a facade to get what they want, and then leave?

I can tell you from multiple conversations with good men that they are out there. They are genuine, and they will willingly accept the right woman into their lives. Often times, a glance in the mirror is necessary. Here are ten points to help you determine if you would attract the man you want.

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Think about how you’re branding yourself.

In the age of social media, everyone has a brand, whether they like it or not. How you choose to present yourself online will give men some insight into how you choose to live your life. Is it fair to be judged by what you put on Facebook? Eh, probably not…but is it the way of the world? Absolutely.

If you are looking for a man who is established in a career or his own business, he likely will not be looking for the type of woman who spends a few nights a week out partying – so these are probably not the best types of photos to have all over social media.

We are all free to choose the lifestyle we want to live, but if it doesn’t align with the type of person you want to attract, it simply won’t work out.

Side note: I had a woman at an event tell me that her online dating profile started with the words “independent woman,” but she wanted to find the type of man who had traditional values and would take care of her. Many men like this would read “independent woman” as actually saying “I don’t need you, men.” This may put across the wrong message in relation to the type of person you’re trying to find. Ask a friend to review your profile(s) and tell you what they see.

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Accept nothing less than respect.

Dating is quite often a numbers game. After all, it’s difficult to know what a person is truly like until you spend time with them. This means there may be a bit of a weeding out process in order to find the right type of person for you. Remember that you’re only looking for one person to have a relationship with, out of billions – so don’t get discouraged.

This search may mean dealing with some less-than-ideal situations, but it’s important that you immediately drop anyone who disrespects you or doesn’t treat you how you deserve to be treated. This will help you find the rose among the thorns, so to speak.

If a man makes you feel as though you’re compromising your dignity or your morals in order to be with him, then it’s time to move on.

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Understand that we are all different.

In relation to the note about social media, I find that many women take their negative experiences with men and use them to make blanket statements about the male gender. A man who is happy in his life and looking for a partner will have no interest in somebody who he thinks is already vilifying him before she even spends time with him.

If you want to find a better quality man, the first step is genuinely realizing thatthey are out there, it’s just a matter of time until you meet one.

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Stop playing games.

When a mature man is interested in a woman, the last thing he wants is someone who he feels isn’t going to be genuine or is going to play childish games when it comes to getting to know him or spending time with him.

A man of this caliber will understand that a woman on his level will be equally as up front and honest about what she is looking for (without being too blunt or abrasive about it).

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Stop looking for them.

By this, I mean – stop making your goal finding a man and start making your goal pursuing your passions and enjoying your own life. Why? Well…

Many women want to know where to go to meet men. Men are everywhere. Walk outside and turn around and you’ll likely see one of us wandering aimlessly towards a Chipotle or something. But, we are also where you want to be. Do you enjoy art? Go to art shows. Are you philanthropic? Go to charity events. The place will be crawling with men.

If you want to meet a man who shares your interests, stop worrying about the man and start pursuing your interests more. What you will automatically find there are men who enjoy the same things as you. The topic of conversation is already established.

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Have a party.

Not for the specific goal of meeting a man, but often times the best relationships start through introductions between friends. If you are introduced to someone through a person you trust, you’ll be more likely to assume this man is a person of integrity, yes?

Have a (classy) party, invite some friends and encourage them to invite their friends. The larger you can expand your personal network, the better your chances will be. Plus, it’s a chance to show off how hospitable and well-rounded you are in the comfort of your own home.

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Always be improving yourself.

This is the same advice I give to men when it comes to attracting a quality woman. The more well-rounded you are in life, the more interesting you will be to talk to, and the more likely you will be to find a man who appreciates that about you.

Frank Sinatra once said: “I like intelligent women. When you go out, it shouldn’t be a staring contest.”

If you want a man who is interesting and has the depth to appreciate you for more than your looks, then the honest truth is you’ve got to make sure you bring enough to the table.

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Be open to them being anywhere.

One of the biggest complaints I hear from men is that women are closed off. They’re closed off to being approached, and they’re closed off to conversation. This of course varies from city to city and personality to personality, but men in general are afraid of approaching women because they think they are already behind the 8-ball. Often times, for good reason.

I understand men can be creepy and many are a little awkward when talking to a woman, but the one man you’ve been waiting for may be a little shy in his approach and be pushed away by your closed-off body language.

I’m not saying to embrace every random guy with open arms – but a smile can be a great tool to easing the mind of a man who is considering approaching you, whether it be at the grocery store or at Starbucks.

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Be willing to say hello (first).

I reconnected with my girlfriend after meeting her at a Halloween party five years earlier because she recognized me and approached me while we were both out in Boston. Had she not come up to say hello, we probably wouldn’t be in the great relationship we are in now.

Most men would love to be approached by a woman, but don’t be too forward or take away his instinct as a man to “lead” the conversation. A simple smile and hello or comment about your surroundings should put him at enough ease to continue the conversation with you. If not, then just chalk it up to not being the type of man you wanted anyway.

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Attend classes or business conferences.

These are both in the same point because they have something in common – putting yourself in an environment that will help you learn and grow in a certain area, and surrounding yourself with other people who are doing the same.

Needless to say, your chances are higher in these situations to find people who share your same interests and level of ambition.

Didn’t meet anyone? No problem, you still learned new things and improved yourself as a person. It’s a win/win.

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There is no specific formula for meeting a quality man, just as there is no math equation one can put together that will guarantee them a quality woman. But the important thing is to take action in order to increase your chances of meeting them. Dating is not a passive sport where you can sit at home and hope someone knocks on your door (How did they get your address anyway? Creepy…).

You’ve got to get yourself out into the world and open up to meeting new people and making new friends. It’s a contact sport – the more people you contact, the better you’ll do.

Already doing all of these things? The most important point of all is to never lose hope. The right person will come along and love everything about you that the wrong people took for granted.

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Even though I’m already in a long-lasting, loving relationship I love reading your articles! Some of it confirms things I already believed, and some things – like the one a week ago about keeping romance alive – give me ideas. Also, I have a bunch of friends, both guys and girls, who sorely need your advice. I hope you don’t mind if I re-blog this so they can easily find it!

Reblogged this on totallyrandomgoodadvice and commented:
I love this author! You can find a lot of James Michael Sama’s articles on his blog at jamesmsama.com, which he updates daily. He’s got exactly the romance philosophy that I do, and even though he will gear specific posts to a specific gender with a stronger slant toward a male audience, the information tends to be good regardless of gender.

Normally I enjoy and agree with your articles. However, there are a few things about this article I have to disagree with.

“Be open to them being anywhere” – The men who are saying women are closed off when they talk to them, may be encountering women who don’t want to be bothered wherever they are. As someone who gets hit on in random places (i.e.: the grocery store) a lot, I honestly am not open in these places because I just want to get my grocery shopping done. I feel a lot of men continuously pester women when they are closed off because somewhere along the line they learned that my “bitchy resting face” means “try harder”. It doesn’t. It means leave me the eff alone. Anyway, I digress. I feel like telling women to smile and be open at the grocery store, etc, is another form of the guy on the street who says, “Smile!” I don’t necessarily disagree with your statement of being more open, but knowing that you’re a guy who cares about changing rape culture, I’m sure there’s a better way to say it or better advice you could give because what if a woman just doesn’t want to be open?

“Attend classes or business conferences” – This literally sounds like the old adage of the MRS degree. Go to college to find a man! What?! I don’t disagree that people should continuously better themselves, but giving the advice to do this so you can find a man, and even if you don’t, at least you learned something, I think is outdated and ridiculous. I feel like you could have left the advice at “Focus on your passion” because when you do that, you’re automagically going to put yourself into situations where you meet people with similar interests, etc.

I mean no disrespect, James, but I feel women are already hyper focused (whether that be through conditioning or genetics) on relationships and man pleasing, etc. It would just be nice to read an article that says “Stop worrying so much about finding a man and start pursuing your dreams and life goals. The man will come when you do that.”

Oh, and THANK YOU for telling women to stop playing games!! Most of my friends are men, and I hear crazy stories about the things women do to try to “snag” them. Ridiculous.

Thanks so much for your feedback. 🙂 I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on this – I am a bit short on time but will address your points the best I can.

I attempted to make my point about being open to men being anywhere not sound as though I was encouraging women to just jump into a hug with any man off the street, in fact I actually said those words haha. The point I was trying to make is that yes, you may just want to get your grocery shopping done, but if a man who catches your eye says hello to your or smiles in the store, what if that’s THE guy you’ve been looking for?

I’m not saying embrace every single guy who comes your way, but the chances of him being in the most unexpected locations are just as great as the chances of him being anywhere else. I was just trying to say that the possibilities are everywhere.

Secondly, I asterisked (is that a word?) the point about classes and conferences in the way that even if there isn’t someone of interest in attendance, it is still an opportunity to learn and grow, so it’s a win win. I certainly wouldn’t advocate a big commitment or chasing after a degree just for the sake of finding a man, but putting yourself in a situation to learn and grow which also surrounds you with people with similar goals? That’s something I would do myself. 🙂

Lastly regarding your wish to see someone just say to stop looking and go start doing the things you love, I actually literally said that verbatim in this point:
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Stop looking for them.

By this, I mean – stop making your goal finding a man and start making your goal pursuing your passions and enjoying your own life. Why? Well…

Many women want to know where to go to meet men. Men are everywhere. Walk outside and turn around and you’ll likely see one of us wandering aimlessly towards a Chipotle or something. But, we are also where you want to be. Do you enjoy art? Go to art shows. Are you philanthropic? Go to charity events. The place will be crawling with men.

—> If you want to meet a man who shares your interests, stop worrying about the man and start pursuing your interests more. What you will automatically find there are men who enjoy the same things as you. The topic of conversation is already established. <—
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Perhaps I missed the mark on how I wanted to convey myself, which is definitely possible. I hope these clarifications address your concerns. 🙂

Thanks for the response. I read through your whole article thoroughly and was quite aware of what you were trying to say. However, I feel like some things either didn’t need to be said or could have been said better.

For instance, I didn’t think you were saying jump into the arms of any man anywhere, in reference to your “be open” post, but it did have the same tone as the man who tells me to “Smile!” on the street. (Here’s an article that articulates much better than I what I mean by my previous statement. It’s not the best article I’ve read on this subject, but it’s pretty darn good. http://www.rolereboot.org/life/details/2013-09-why-men-need-to-stop-asking-women-to-smile) Personally, I think any woman would be open to a man who catches her eye if he says hello or approaches her anywhere. In these situations, it’s usually physical attraction that catches our attention. So I don’t think telling women to be open to meeting their person anywhere is necessary? It’s usually the creepy, annoying ones I don’t want to be open to that approach in random places anyway.

Secondly, why is it necessary to include that a woman should take classes or educate themselves to find a man? Wouldn’t that be lumped into your “stop looking for them” or “improve yourself” post? I feel like women who are doing both of those things would, hopefully, be taking classes or putting themselves in a place where they would also find men. Maybe it’s a marker of our culture, but I think it’s sad that improving yourself by entering into “male dominated” venues is part of the “how to find a man” guidebook, if you will. (I know I’m not being super clear here, but bear with me.) Additionally, the article is titled “how to ATTRACT better men”, not “how to FIND better men”.

Perhaps it says something about the men in our culture that it seems like a majority of them are intimidated by independent, strong women, but saying “Many men like this would read ‘independent woman’ as actually saying ‘I don’t need you, men,'” is encouraging the culture of women continuing to pander to making men comfortable. Perhaps we should look at changing the connotation and power of certain words than continuing to perpetuate a culture of male privilege.

I believe women can be both independent and taken care of with chivalry. As you state in many of your articles, relationships are give and take. It’s just that sometimes the giving and taking are in different fields.

Like I said before, I enjoy your site and your words, and I know you mean well. I share my statements/opinions because I feel you are open to learning and improving the way things are in the world.

Please take a few minutes to hear and see Kate Smith sing God Bless America in 1938 heard on radio for the first time in American homes. See if you spot the cameo of a very young and handsome Ronald Reagan. This is so very heart warming.

Interestingly enough, I think this has a lot to do with a woman’s level of self confidence. Often times a lack of confidence can be perceived as being closed off and un-approachable. If a woman feels good about herself, she is not afraid to make eye contact or send any of the other non-verbal cues that a quality guy will notice. It has been my experience that men with self confidence are not afraid of a confident woman. The men who are probably aren’t the guys you’re looking for. A quality man has no need to “dominate” a woman, we are comfortable enough in ourselves to let her have her own identity.

Sometimes a women doesn’t need to change her view of the world but rather how she views herself. And the same could easily be said of a man.