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Chapter 6 -Guilt

I had no idea what was up with Layha but recently she’s been acting crazy and no one knew why? During one of those restless nights Aslam came down while I was sitting in the kitchen having a cup of tea. He looked at me and smiled and for the first time I looked at him in a whole new light. I had never ever taken notice of Aslam before. He was tall,fair with jet black hair. He exuded class in everything that he did from his words to his gestures even to the way that he looked at you. We started talking about random stuff and we got chatting in a way that felt amazing. I never knew that he was so easy to talk to. As the evening progressed I tried to imagine how life would be with a man like Aslam. How would life be if I were Layha?

Aslam and I talked till the early hours of the morning.

“Won’t Layha mind we talking till so late and be wondering where you are?” I asked worriedly.

“Layha wont mind trust me” he said with a coy smile topped up with a wink. I had told him about the weed that Faheem had given me and he suggested that I bring it

“LIGHT IT UP” exclaimed Aslam excitedly. The nagging voice in my head told me to stop, but I told myself that this would be the last time I would smoke weed. I put my lips on the joint and inhaled as I exhaled. I was infatuated with the feeling and it made me feel alive. It made me feel like this is what life should feel like. It was a whole new level. I was convinced that this happy feeling it gave me was surreal.

Sitting next to a sparking blue pool on a cool summer night next to a handsome man this is what life is all about.

Aslam inhaled the joint and then slowly he moved towards me. He came to my lips and it felt as though he was about to kiss me. I watched it happen in slow motion and just when I parted my lips, he put his lips on mine and exhaled. The feeling, the rush, the excitement,it was on another level. As I looked into the depths of his eyes, he whispered

“Farm girl you make me feel alive. There is something about you that a man cannot forget so easily.”

I didn’t know what to make of this, I didn’t know what he meant but at that moment I didn’t even care.The brain is an odd thing really. It stops working when you need it to work the most! I went to bed way past a farm girl’s bedtime. As I lay in bed all I could think of was his lips on mine. The feeling of his breath against my lips. Just then my phone starts beeping with a text message disturbing my fantasy.

“Farm girl thanks for tonight, you have what it takes to make me live again, baby girl you made me feel like a million bucks tonight thank you… Aslam”

Do I reply? Don’t I reply ? That is the question?

I could feel that I was coming down from my high and instead of ecstasy I felt nothing but guilt.

Aslam was a married man how could I! Even if I was a bit high I shouldn’t have done it , the guilt over took me. But at that moment it felt so right and he knew what he was doing .

I finally decided to reply to his text message

“ last night or should I say this morning was amazing, thank you for showing me what I am missing out on. Xoxo”

I was in a drunken daze and even though I knew that was time for fajr, It didn’t bother me, I was good until now and finally I got to feel what it’s like to be careless. I loved the feeling of letting go. I knew that what I was doing was wrong but the sooner you get over the guilt and tell yourself that it’s ok to do what you are doing the quicker you begin thinking that it is perfectly fine.

While guilt riddled me, I felt something that I did not feel before. I had an urge to smoke weed again.

I brushed the need to have a joint till it affected my moods. Aneesa came to tell me something and all I did was yell at her. How could I have such a bad craving for this when I only had it three times! This need became real. I finally gave in to my desires and gave my body what it was yearning for. Trust me this time the high did not last, the calm feeling escaped me and it did not last as long! To my surprise it wore off quicker than the last time.

Once it wore off I was back to feeling guilty about flirting with another woman’s husband! I kept telling my self that no one will get hurt if no one finds out about what was going on. This little sin drove me mad all day.

What is ironic about living a life of sin is that society glamourises it. You don’t realise that in fact you are selling your soul to the devil. The simple sin may be the one that you brag about and see as nothing may make you lose your faith. Today I have sinned and even though I feel guilty I am fooled to think that I feel that I have finally lived

Just wanted to say i think its amazing that you decided to write your blog on the topics of abuse and addiction. Drug addiction has become so common amongst muslim girls in the indian community but people tend to brush it under the rug when they should in fact try and help them. I know that all parents will think and say no my child will never do such a thing but with how easy it is to get the drugs people need to open their eyes and see whats going on. I am so happy i found your blog and applaud you for having the guts to write about this and bring awareness to the Indian communities. Well done!

Jzkl for this blog it really a learning experience in itself .being a mother of daughters and having a teenage son in today times is not easy . May Allah guide us and our children in these scary times and safeguard all from the evil vices out there insha Allah aameen

Always an interesting read. May the wider community become aware of all our social vices , ameen. Addiction is a very real problem amongst our young Muslim females but the scary part is 80 % of all female addicts in general are introduced to it by their male relationships , be it male friend boyfriend or husband, father or brother . Cousin or uncle . It is only through understanding that solutions can be provided to problems. Your deeper message of judgment or perception is what really gets me hooked. Don’t judge someone by what they do, where they from or what they look like . You may never know who is a wolf in sheeps clothing or which demon has the cleaner heart. What we percieve something to be May be far from the truth . Either way we taking the job of the almighty by judging .

Coming from a relationship where drugs was the other parties vice I can truly say that it all boils down to choices, the individual and the choices they make. I could have easily become a CAT addict . I am a degreed individual and Alhamdulillah have a well paying job and have easy access to access funds from my parents. The drug was all around me , my partner, his friends, my friends , colleagues at work , fellow students while doing my post grad. Everyone claimed it gave them energy , kept them awake and focused . Instead I stepped out of the box and watch as individuals ,peers, loved ones , people I cared about lives spiraled out of control. My helplessness , I could do nothing but watch them deteriorate into piles of nothing . ‘Addicts’ with no goals , no ambition, more than often no money nothing more than a lifeless soul preying on the next hit. It was the choices they made but they affected me and I was helpless. Allah knows best and may he make it easy for us all ,

Great read , I love how you highlight something so relevant to the youth today. Almost every teen I know has had a brush with weed , drugs or alcohol yet it amazes me how our indian mindsets just brush it under the carpet to save face. Thank You .