My husband is the self proclaimed "Network God" of a CLEC (competitive local exchange carrier) telephone company headquartered in Maryland. He messes with routers, switches and various routing protocols all day long (and night too if he happens to be on call). As much as I respect his knowledge for the business and the realm of the computing world, there is one thing that I can't respect. And that is his incessant need to stalk what I Google for.

In this house, the utilities are in my name, which includes the phone, cable, Internet, and electricity. His company foots the bill for the Internet, since he works from home, but this shouldn't be considered a free pass to question everything I search the internet for. I realize that most people reading this are probably like….what the hell do you mean? Well here's an example:

I woke up at 4am at some point last week due to this most recent bout of insomnia I've been facing. My internal clock is all kinds of fucked up from being on second shift and then suddenly switching back to first shift again. I think that I have work shift related jet lag. Also, you should know that I sleep with the TV on. The background noise helps lull me to sleep. Sleeping in silence drives me nuts because I can't turn off my brain, I just keep thinking about things all night and end up being restless and unable to fall asleep. So there's your premise. Anyway, I woke up at 4am, as I previously said, and some Motown special was on PBS. I absolutely LOVE Motown music. The special closed with Stevie Wonder singing "Sunshine of my Life", which I decided to Google to check the lyrics because I also have a sick obsession with lyrics to songs. Anyway…. I came home later that evening to a barrage of questions.

"WHO IS THE SUNSHINE OF YOUR LIFE?"

"Huh?"

"You googled for "Sunshine of my Life", why?"

"Um….because it was on the PBS Motown Special last night, and I couldn't sleep. I wanted to know what the lyrics were."

"Oh."

This isn't the first ocassion that this type of thing has happened either. This is just the most recent example I can think of in an ongoing pattern. Spying is such an unattractive hobby. I got to talking to Harold about this, and we started going back and forth about things I should Google just to freak him out over AIM.

mhryvnak: Did I ever tell you…

mhryvnak: He watches everything I google for

mhryvnak: And then questions me after the fact…

DataBoy Echo: Hah, no.

mhryvnak: "Why did you search for this…."

mhryvnak: "Why did you search for that…"

DataBoy Echo: where can i purchase thallium

mhryvnak: Hahahahahahahaha

mhryvnak: Omg

Databoy Echo: how to dispose of a body

mhryvnak: I like where this is going

Databoy Echo: won't the brake fluid leak when I cut the break lines?

Databoy Echo: taking out insurance policy without husband knowing

mhryvnak: "What does it mean when your husband doesn't know the definition to marjoram?"

mhryvnak: Hahaha. Omg.

mhryvnak: Quotes that your husband messes up

Databoy Echo: definition of spachela

mhryvnak: recluse husband

mhryvnak: I used the word recluse in a sentence the other day and he didn't know what I was talking about.

Databoy Echo: husband likes hot dogs what does this mean?

Don't take this post too seriously. I'm just rebelling against big brother constantly looking over my shoulder. I have no plans to purchase thallium or cut brake lines. At least at this point, anyway.

"Had to tell you about this…was too funny! So, we turn by Cook's to go to the school….a bird flies up from the road in front of me….Gabby yells in the most dramatic voice….OMG! YOU JUST RUNNED OVER THAT BUTTERFLY! I said, no Gabby, it was a bird and it flew away before I could hit it. She was like, oh….ok….well if it was a bird, you could have hit it, they aren't as pretty as butterflies are."

Good lord. Gabrielle = Michelle v2.0. This is totally something that I would say.

“But, I don’t waannnnnnnntttttttt to shovelllllllllllllllllll snow. I want to playyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. WAhHHHHHHhhh” — One of the bratty neighborhood kids as I was outside shoveling. (Side note: better get used to it kid, ya live in PA. It doesn’t matter if you want to do it now, you will have to do it eventually)

“I had other people call a day in advance to say they weren’t coming because of the weather, but not Michelle. I wondered if you were coming or what?” — One of the guys I interviewed with today.

“They offered to put us up in a hotel….but what am I going to do with my dogs.” — Adina talking about the prospect of driving home from Moosic, or stay in a hotel.

“Oh, it looks like the Hanover Township Road Crew/Garbage Men/Volunteer Firefighters/Police Officers are actually out plowing the roads” — Me

* * * * *

The last quote reminds me of the first year we moved into this house. During our first Xmas here there was a really bad snow storm. I think it was the first year anyway…it might have been the second year. Anyway, Rich and I have this tradition where we go up to his parents for a lunch holiday meal and then we go to my grandmothers for holiday dinner. It was snowing really hard and we decided to stop at the corner deli to get some beer to take up to his parents with us. I don’t know why they were open on Xmas, but anyway that is beside the point. We then got back on Division Street going up the hill. We were in Rich’s little put-put Toyota, and we got stuck behind one of the “Hanover Township Road Department’s Plow Trucks”. By “Hanover Township Road Department Plow Truck” I mean, a 4×4 rear wheel drive Dodge Ram 1 ton. Yeah. It BARELY made it up the hill. It was humorous to say the least.

Someone posted this on fark.com on a Tax Rebate thread and I just about spit my drink out of my mouth. Too funny. So now, I must share it with you (note: I did not write this, but *golf clap* to the genius that did) FAQs about the upcoming tax rebates….

Cliff notes version for the ADD crowd:

Q: How much will I get?
A: $600 for singles or couples filing separately in 2007. Tack on $300/ea for crotchfruit. No, they’re STILL not worth it. If you and your whore wife file together you’ll get $1200, but good luck spending that money without a divorce-inducing argument.

Q: What if I make over $75k?
A: You can still get a rebate. Take the amount you make over 75k and multiply it by .05.. Subtract this from $600. If the result is negative you don’t get a check. Basically if you make between 75k and 87k you can get a partial rebate. Everyone else can go cry in their hummers.

Q: But, I’m married and make over 150k
A: Cry to Trevor about it on the 16th green, douchenozzle

Q: But, don’t I have to pay it back on my 2008 taxes?
A: No, the rebate is technically an advance on a credit you will receive on your 08 taxes. George loves you, you’re welcome.

Q: Doesn’t this mean my children or children’s children are paying for this rebate?
A: No. The U.S. government will collapse long before then. Quit whining and spend your money.

Q: Can I spend my money on hookers and blow?
A: Not legally. Welcome to the land of the free. Have some nice cigarettes and prozac instead.