Sunday, April 26, 2009

Sunday, April 26, 2009: No Results Yet

We didn't hear anything Friday about my ct scan. I'm thinking that no news is good news. If they had found anything of concern they would have been in touch by now or at least that is the theory that I'm going with :)

I'm back for chemo tomorrow - end of round 5! My friend Karin is bringing me and I'm looking forward to catching up with her. I was emailing my mom the other day and told her I was excited about hanging out with Karin but I wish it was for coffee and not chemo. As I was thinking about that though I realized that it would probably be a while before we would get together for coffee. We have been trying to but kids schedules and quite often germs get in the way. As much as I don't care for chemo, it does make me take a break from the busyness and just sit. A positive from chemo? Go figure.

I have been growing and struggling lately with my spiritual life. I think I talked in an earlier post about how I hear God calling me and asking me to spend more time with Him. He has been trying harder to get my attention and yet I continue to ignore this request. I want that time of devotions, prayer, reading the bible and just listening for God's voice. I can't seem to fit it into my busy schedule though. How ridiculous is that? God wants to spend time with me and I am too tired to get out of bed early. I'm too busy taking care of the kids and cleaning the house. I'm too busy spending time worrying about things that are out of my control. Every night I go to bed sad because another day has gone by and I didn't take time to visit with God. I know without a doubt that if I would do this it would change my life.

Our church is doing a series on worship right now. Today and last week were a bit uncomfortable for me and I'm thinking for many others as well. There was praying out loud and hands flying and dancing and I was looking for the nearest exit! I have always admired the people who don't care what others think when they are praising God. They are there to praise God and you can see it in their eyes and their actions. I have tried. I want to raise my hand and yet I'm paralyzed in fear. I want to close my eyes but I'm afraid of what others will think. I want to dance and celebrate. I can't do that in my own living room let alone church! I am so self conscious and so concerned about what others think.

I've been to a couple concerts with my sister and she will grab my hands and swing them in the air to get me moving. She sings, dances, prays out loud and loves praising God. That is an area that we are so opposite. I have to admit I'm jealous. She is dancing and having a great time and I'm thinking "we paid money for these seats, why aren't we sitting in them?".

I'm not sure where I am going with this. I think it's just things that have been going through my mind and I'm tired of them bouncing around in there so I'm letting it go here. I want to be free of my fear of what people think. I want to sing and dance and be silly and have fun. At this point it would probably require a few strong drinks! I think an even better idea would be for the Holy Spirit to move in me. I think I mentioned in a previous post the verse . . . "The spirit is willing, but the body is weak" which is from Matthew 26:41. My body is so weak and yet I know if I prayed earnestly that the spirit would overcome my weakness.

I think deep down I am afraid to pray this prayer. Just a few years ago I wanted to experience a closer relationship with God so I prayed that He would break me. Cancer definitely broke me! I'm afraid of the changes this prayer may bring. I've felt a call to speak to people about my experience with cancer. I can't imagine God calling me to be a public speaker! Me?! I do have an amazing story to tell though. I know God healed me of my cancer. I was always encouraged when I talked to cancer survivors and now I can be the survivor talking to people that are starting the journey that I am close to ending. I'm so afraid that if I pray for these changes that opportunities to speak may come my way. I learned so much when I talked at Grand Haven Christian schools. I learned a lot and know things that I would do differently and yet am scared to death of the thought of doing this. But, God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called.

So, now the question is do I post this entry? I guess if you are reading it then I must have :) It is such good therapy for me to type out my struggles and frustrations. I am reminded by others that I am not alone. It's so much easier to talk through the blog than in person. It's so easy to be real here - sometimes too easy!

Well, it's getting late and everyone is sleeping here so I guess I should call it a night. I know as soon as this is posted the prayers will be starting. What a journey this has been and yet at the same time it feels as if it is only beginning . . . .