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Author: Dolphnotes

First let me apologize to my followers for not writing in a long while. I am alive and well. Lots of things have occurred within my life over the last few months. Thank you for continuing to follow and as the New Year approaches I hope you and your family are well. Ok so here we go with today’s post.

If you’re trying to win, you’ve already lost

When it comes to long-term relationships, arguments are a bit of an inevitability. No matter how well you get on, how much you have in common or how much you love each other, you will argue. A lot. At length. Sometimes very loudly. If you put two people together for long enough, they’ll find something to argue about.

In fact, in a lot of ways, arguments in a relationship are a good thing. Arguments suggest passion; they show that you each care enough about what the other thinks or says or does to get worked up about it, to become furious. The alternative is that you simply don’t care enough to argue with each other, and apathy is rarely part of a successful relationship. Of course, constant arguments in a relationship aren’t much better than none at all, but there’s definitely a happy middle ground to be found.

“Arguments have such a bad rep. Actually, they can bring you closer together,” reminds therapist Dr. Nancy Irwin. “This is why make-up sex is so great.” She isn’t the only expert trying to move away from the view that arguments are always a sign of trouble between partners. “Conflict in the context of a relationship is not only normal but also healthy,” agrees clinical psychologist Dr. Hillary Goldsher. “It is inevitable that issues arise that require resolution when two people have an intimate connection. The question is not if conflicts are going to occur, but how to handle them when they do.”

What a lot of people underestimate is that arguing is a skill. No, not winning arguments – that’s a different issue, and you’re not going to get very far in relationships if you worry about winning arguments. Instead, the skill that you need to worry about is managing arguments: when and where they happen, how to end them, how to pause them and pick them up at another time, and, perhaps most importantly, how to concede an argument even when you *know* you’re right. Yup, I’m afraid sometimes you’re just going to have to swallow your pride and admit defeat even when you’re in the right. If that prospect hurts, just remember that your partner is doing the same for you every now and then too.

Timing is Success

Not only is knowing how to have an argument important, but also when to have the argument can make the difference between a happy ending and a miserable night on the couch.Long day at work? Under a lot of stress and pressure? Busy involved with other things? About to go to bed? About to leave for work? Trying to resolve an argument at the wrong time can lead to less than desirable results. “Partners who pay attention to how the other is responding and when they are most receptive to productive conversations, often have better outcomes when they are selective about their timing when broaching tough topics,” notes Dr. Bethany Simmons, professor of marital and family therapy. Couples who make time for conversation and important topics on a regular basis (daily, weekly, etc.) communicate to their partner that they are important and willing to flesh out the difficult aspects of their relationship. Sometimes planning your arguments is not always possible, so here is what to do if the timing is off…

Lead It Home

There are few sights that attract more simultaneous public sympathy and annoyance than a couple having a rather private argument in a rather public place. No one wants to air their dirty laundry in public, but that’s exactly what tends to happen when couples feud out of the house. This causes more problems than simple embarrassment, however. Arguments in front of prying eyes make it harder for either side to back down and apologize, for fear of losing face. That means a public argument is more likely to go on and on, past the point when the two of you should have been able to make amends.
Unfortunately, it’s hard to guarantee that an argument will never start while you’re out of the house, especially if you’re at a restaurant, bar or party and the drinks are flowing. Tempers can flare at any time – what counts isn’t stopping arguments from starting, but controlling them once they do. With that in mind, if you realize that tension is rising when you’re out in public, try to calmly but firmly suggest that you both agree to leave the topic be until the end of the night, or the next time you’ll be by yourselves. Things may remain tense between the two of you, but you’ll avoid causing a scene – and the extra time might give you both the chance to cool off.

That’s the approach recommended by psychotherapist Dr. Tina B. Tessina.“Disagreements always require two people,” she argues. “If you don’t participate, your partner can’t argue without you. If the issue arises at an inopportune time, you can just find a temporary resolution (agree to delay the discussion, go home, leave the restaurant) and wait until things calm down to discuss what happened.”

However, be careful not to just dismiss your partner or their concerns. Attempting to stop an argument by disengaging from them could actually escalate things further if you communicate the message to them that you don’t care about what they are upset about or that you are deciding for both of you when and where you will discuss these concerns, or if it is the end of the discussion altogether. Be sure to let them know their concerns and opinions are important to you – even if you don’t agree with them. They will also be more likely to be respectful of your view in return. One way to do this might be to say something like, “It seems like we really see this differently and your opinion matters to me. Would you be willing to discuss this when we get home so that I can really focus on what you’re saying?”

If that doesn’t work, and one or both of you won’t be able to let this one wait, you need to be prepared to duck out of the situation immediately, even if you’d rather not. That may mean heading home, or it may simply require finding somewhere quiet to hash things out and (hopefully) clear the air. Just remember, sitting in the middle of a restaurant bickering (or worse, screaming) across the table is not likely to lead to a quick resolution. Get alone somewhere, and deal with it in private. If nothing else, you’re probably doing a favor to everyone else around you.

Word of warning: telling someone to calm down or stop yelling, walking away without agreeing as a couple you will take a break from the argument, or getting defensive almost always escalate arguments.

Create Distance to Encourage Reflection

When you’re in the middle of an argument with someone, no matter how small the subject, it’s hard to keep a level head when you’re in the same room as them. Every glance at one another will likely just help to fuel the irritation you’re feeling. Even if you’re not still talking about the argument, just being around each other can slow down the process of resolving things.

In the overwhelming majority of relationship arguments, both parties are at fault to some extent – even if it doesn’t seem that way at the time. Really resolving an argument requires you both to accept whatever you’ve said or done wrong, so that you understand the other’s position, and getting time to yourself can help speed things up. The next time you’re in an argument that doesn’t look like it’ll let up anytime soon, try and get away from each other – in a respectful way of course. Once on your own, force yourself to calm down, and do your best to really assess the situation – both what you’re annoyed about, and what you think your partner is too.

If an argument is getting more and more heated, “it may make sense to take a time out. Literally step away from each other. Take a walk, go to the next room and think about how you want to show up in your relationship,” agrees Dr. Goldsher. Is this how you want to treat each other in your relationship? “Give yourself an opportunity to get grounded and emotionally contained and return for a continuation of the discussion once you have gathered yourself.”

Is this how you want to treat each other in your relationship?

More often than not, a bit of time away from them will give you the chance to cool down and appreciate their point of view, without the need to keep up an angry front. Just be sure to come back together to come to an agreement (even if that is agreeing to disagree) if this is an important issue to either one of you. Knowing when to not revisit arguments is important too (someone was just in a particularly bad mood that day) and not waiting until the next argument to bring the last argument up can save you from more arguments in the future.

There’s No Shame in Surrender

It’s very easy to think of any argument, even within a couple, as a competition, where winning or being right can seem more important than, just getting on with one another. One of the toughest lessons to learn in a long-term relationship is that winning an argument is a pretty empty victory if it leaves the two of you feuding and bitter, or ruins what could have been a great night together. Sometimes it’s better to just take one for the team and concede the argument for the sake of salvaging your evening and getting the chance to enjoy each other’s company again. “Remember you are ‘on the same team’,” suggests psychotherapist Sharon Martin. “The goal is not to ‘win’ the argument. The goal is resolution in a way that is respectful and meets both of your needs.”

Now, this advice comes with a few caveats. First, giving up the argument means giving it up for good. This isn’t a chance to pretend they’re right, make nice and come at them with full force later on. If you’re going to tell them they’re right, you’ve got to stick to it. Second, don’t let yourself get bitter about it. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you’re giving in “to shut them up” or anything similar – instead, you’re making a (small) sacrifice to keep things harmonious. And odds are, they’re doing it for you every now and then too. You didn’t think you really won that argument about why Furious 7 was the perfect date movie, did you?

Can’t concede, but want to end the argument? Empathy can do wonders. Telling your partner, “I hear what you’re saying,” “I can see you’re point,” or “I understand why this really upsets you…” can take an argument from 90 to 0, without having to necessarily give in.

Finally, pick and choose your fights. Some arguments are too important to just give in on, and you need to settle them one way or another. That means anything that will have a lasting impact on your relationship, home or personal lives. It’s one thing to give in and let her pick where you go for dinner even though she got to the last three times, it’s another to just let her have her way entirely when it comes to where you’re going to live or where your relationship boundaries lie. That doesn’t mean you should get your way either – the big stuff needs to be settled amicably and mutually, one way or another. Which is how we come to…

Learn to Compromise, Like, Actually Compromise

It almost seems too obvious to be worth saying, but the real key to peacefully resolving any argument between you and your partner is compromise. From both of you. Think about it – without compromise, one of two things happens. Either the argument goes on forever, which sounds legitimately hellish, or one of you winds up not getting any of what they wanted. That’s alright sometimes, but it’s not always possible, especially for the really big life-affecting decisions I mentioned in the last section.

Compromise is “one of the critical tenets of conflict resolution,” agrees Dr. Goldsher. “The solution has to be about the good of the couple, not just the individual. Decide on areas where you can live with less than you expected or wanted. Compromise breeds good will and promotes reciprocal compromise.”

Whether it’s decorating your shared house or just making your weekend plans, the best outcome is always going to be one that leaves both of you happy. Inevitably though, assuming the pair of you don’t have magically identical preferences on all things (in which case, why are you dating your clone?) you can’t both have everything you want. That means you need to figure out what you’re prepared to give up on, and what you aren’t.

Whatever the topic, figure out your deal breakers. If you’re decorating and pink walls in the bedroom are non-negotiable, then make that clear, while offering a concession that you can live with – which art goes on the walls, maybe. What matters is figuring out what really matters to you, which is easier said than done in the heat of the moment. When angry, you’re likely to put a lot of weight on things that might seem less important in the light of day, as your real priorities get lost in the mix of the argument. Take a step back, figure out what really matters to you, and be prepared to make concessions on the things that don’t.

“Make sure you are clear on other arenas where you need to stand up for a particular change in the relationship,” Dr. Goldsher continues. “Drawing boundaries around issues where you need and require change also helps unveil the sustainability of a relationship long term. If your partner can bend and shift in areas that are deal breakers for you, that is a good sign in terms of your mutual ability to navigate life together as a couple. If there is consistent inflexibility, it may be a sign that the relationship is not a viable option for the future.”

Own Up to Your Mistakes

We’re only human, so sometimes it is hard to admit when we are wrong (or see another person’s side of things if we really think we’re right). If you actually (like really) listen to what your partner is upset about without ego, you might find that they’re right. The things our partners get upset about are often of our ignorance, not malice, and self-reflection can help us see that. Pride can often make the difference between a happy and successful relationship and one full of contention and disagreement. Being willing to admit when you are wrong, or have wrongfully treated your partner can bring you closer together and usually, they are then more willing to do the same with you.

At the end of the day, arguments are hard to get right. No matter your intentions, no matter how well you think you can manage them, once tempers are flared a lot of that careful planning tends to go out of the window. That’s OK – and inevitable, at least some of the time – just be ready to make up the next day. But by remembering to move arguments somewhere private, take time apart to cool off, concede when necessary and compromise when possible, hopefully that’ll happen less and less often. The only downside? You’ll be missing out on all that makeup sex.

*While arguments and conflict are a part of every relationship, seeing a marriage and family therapist can elevate your relationship to the next level. They are trained to help couples learn successful ways to relate to each other. If you have ever experienced aggression, an inability to control tempers, or violence in your relationship – seek help. These are dangerous behaviors that are not a part of healthy relationships.

Again, thanks for reading please visit dolphnotes.com and follow the page. If you just read this through Facebook it does not count the same in sponsor’s eyes. If you have a topic suggestion or want to leave comments, please leave them in comment section or email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com

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Relationship sabotage comes from one place: insecurity. It manifests as jealousy, gossip, fighting, and unforgiveness. If you see your relationships falling apart repeatedly, then it is possible that you are the one sabotaging your own success. This applies to relationships in business, family, marriage, neighbors, and friendships. Take a look at the major complaint that you have in your relationships. What is the one thing that you find yourself saying over and over again? Do you find yourself saying,” They don’t really love me,” or “They are going to betray me,” or “They are unfair with me.” Notice that your expectancy concerning the relationship is centered around what you want to receive. Your expectations are self-centered rather than “other-centered.” Your ultimate goal should be focused on being relationship centered. In other words, what is the healthy choice for the benefit of the relationship? What does the other person need from the relationship? What would a healthy relationship look like? A successful relationship depends solely on overcoming your insecurity and contributing to the relationship rather than taking from it. You do have something to offer! Make a plan to avoid the following pitfalls and overcome the symptoms of insecurity and incorporate healthy patterns of communicating!

Fighting destabilizes your relationships and breaks the bonds of intimacy. When disagreements escalate into a fight, then you have maneuvered yourself into a position to fight for your point of view rather than negotiating for an outcome that is mutually beneficial. It is possible to engage in a friendly debate, however, if you allow your communication to become defensive of your position, then you will break down the bonds of a healthy relationship.

Holding a grudge is a like carrying around a 50lb weight on your shoulders. The act of forgiveness means moving beyond the pain and releasing the other party from responsibility. Forgiveness does not excuse the injustice. Forgiveness only allows you to move forward. Once there was a young bride who asked her grandmother the secret to a long marriage. Her grandmother thought for a moment then she slowly spoke, “Before I married your grandfather, I decided on a list of twenty things I would automatically forgive if your grandfather did them. The problem was, I never wrote them down. So, each time he was offensive I would think over my list and it seemed to me that most things were on that list. But I may never know for sure. What I do know, is that overlooking the small things helped us when we encountered the big things.” Keep in mind that forgiveness does not apply in circumstances of abuse. Don’t allow the old pain of the past to impose itself on our new healthy relationships. It will act like a poison to destroy what you have.

Jealousy occurs when you feel threatened by either another individual or something else. Are you jealous about the amount of time your wife spends at the office? Or are you jealous of the time your husband spends on the golf course? Ask yourself, why are you insecure? Is the threat real or imagined? Don’t allow yourself to dream up worst case scenarios. Jealousy will drive you to act in ways that are possessive to protect your interests or it will drive you to be defensive because you are feeling threatened. Being suspicious all the time is exhausting work. The hypervigilance toward any threats will make you cranky and difficult to be around. Think about it this way, if you really can’t trust the other person – perhaps there is a deeper issue that needs to be addressed. Either you need some healthy confrontation or the relationship needs to be terminated. Jealousy is only a defensive response for someone who feels powerless – and you are not powerless!

Keeping score will undermine the success of your relationship. If you keep score, then logically, someone is a winner and someone is a loser. Your goal should be to have a thriving partnership and eliminating competitiveness will go a long way to establishing a safe environment for personal growth. If you find that you always need to be right or have the last word, then you are driving the relationship into the ground and contributing to the failure of the relationship. If this is an issue for you, look at why you are unwilling to give your partner the freedom to fail.

Finding fault is like picking apart your house piece by piece. Eventually it will fall down around you. Whether you justify it by claiming you are a perfectionist or you are helping your partner improve – the results are the same – you are destroying the relationship. Think about when someone has constantly found fault with you – how did you feel? The effects are devastating on a relationship. Acceptance of your partner is the goal. Any habits that are “deal breakers” should be addressed directly and negotiated.

Controlling every situation is another relationship-destroyer. You may want to ask why you are not more comfortable with allowing others to be themselves. Inflexibility and unwillingness to negotiate is the sign of insecurity. I realize that not being in control can make you feel vulnerable however, there are legitimate areas for you to control and illegitimate areas of control. If the relationship is abusive and creating a toxic environment for children, then exercising a supreme amount of control is warranted in order to ensure safety. Micromanaging another person is out of bounds if you want a thriving relationship. No one is ever going to do things exactly the way that you do! Lighten up and give your partner space to express themselves.

A victim mentality will suck the energy out of your relationships and selfishly divert the spotlight onto yourself. I have found a unique attribute of 100% of people with a victim mentality. Surprise! 100% of them have been victimized. Yes, victim mentality actually comes from being subjected to injustice and trauma. And this can take many forms. Trauma can be violent or more subtle. Divorce is an emotional trauma that can make it difficult to trust or move forward in healthy relationships. The goal for overcoming victim mentality is to take the focus off of yourself. Is victim mentality self-centered and self-serving? Absolutely. If you think about it, a victim mentality is in place to prevent you from being victimized. Unfortunately, however, this hyper-vigilance to protect yourself maintains the focus on you. The health of any relationship depends on being other-focused. If you allow the pain of your past relationships to influence your current relationships, then you are bringing that past poison into the present. My suggestion? Leave that poison in the past.

Passive-aggressive behavior is meant to punish or wound someone else without having to directly confront the individual. It is used by those who are either unwilling or unable to creatively engage in a constructive dialog. Slamming doors, the “silent treatment”, an averted gaze, or a curt tone are examples of passive aggression. Simply put, it is a mechanism for avoiding confrontation. It is possible that you are afraid of confrontation because your experience has taught you that confrontation is ugly and violent. Perhaps, you lack confrontation skills and you are afraid that any confrontation will escalate into a fight that you cannot win. If you approach confrontation from the standpoint of opening up communication on a specific subject and learning what you can about the other person’s perspective, then you will have the right attitude. From there, you can practice and learn how you can move beyond passive aggressive punishment and open a clear path for communication.

Gossiping about your partner’s flaws will break down trust. Ultimately, getting someone to take your side, will not contribute to a strong relationship. Consequently, gossip is the precursor to the total breakdown and destruction of intimacy. Sharing your frustration will not gain sympathy or make you look superior. Loyalty and building a bond are essential components to moving forward with a successful relationship.

Running at the first sign of trouble ….. or serious commitment possibilities – is the sign of insecurity. The insecurity exists because you may lack the conviction to stick it out through the difficult times, or you may fear the consequences of a more permanent commitment. Are you afraid of commitment? Are you afraid of abandonment? Evaluate the insecurities that prompt you to abandon your relationships prematurely.

Finally, honestly assess how insecurity has sabotaged your relationships. How does it manifest and what can you do to stop the cycle of dysfunction? Randi Gunther, PhD,Relationship Saboteurs: Overcoming the Ten Behaviors that Undermine Love, states: “Relationship saboteurs do not set out to fail in their love relationships. More often, they don’t even realize how behaviors that may have once been seen as attractive now push their partners away. When the relationship ends, the relationship saboteur often feels blind-sided without ever understanding why.”

As always thank you for reading, this topic comes with a lot of research. Self-sabotage is a silent killer of amazing relationships. I am thankful that I researched it and was able to start rethinking my actions. You see I have been in a relationship for just over 3 months now. She is amazing frankly an awesome fit for me. Sadly, I was sub consciously allowing mental blocks from my past to attempt to sabotage our relationship. Now I have new knowledge and some tools to prevent that from happening. So, to Self-sabotage I say NOT TODAY SATAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Again, thanks for reading please visit dolphnotes.com and follow the page. If you just read this through Facebook it does not count the same in sponsor’s eyes. If you have a topic suggestion or want to leave comments, please leave them in comment section or email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com

Support dolphmotes.com shop from the links below. They are affiliate link sites, so if you know the author of dolphnotes.com personally do not worry I will not see what you are buying…. 😊

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When a relationship ends, we figure out what we do and do not want our next relationship to include. We don’t want to be with someone who evokes the parts of our exes that we dislike.

In fact, sometimes we want our next relationship to be with somebody who is the complete opposite of our most recent ex.

However, when said new relationship begins, we are inclined to start playing the comparison game. It makes sense: A role that was once held by one person has been recast.

It’s like when television shows swap characters out for new actors and you can’t help but compare how the newbie compares to the original.

It’s especially easy to compare our past and present significant others if they have similar traits, which is common for people who claim to have a “type.”

We must stop trivializing our relationships in this comparative manner. Learning and comparing are two completely different things.

While we should learn from our exes to enhance our new relationships, we should not compare one to another.

If we want our new relationships to thrive, we must disallow ourselves from comparison in our love-life history as much as possible.

Just as the universe allows us additional chances, allow you and your partner to redefine what love means:

Have Faith In Your New Significant Other

If you got screwed over in any of your past relationships, it is understandable to be guarded and proceed with caution.

Still, if you are able to get involved once again after the pain from your past, you must allow yourself to have faith in your new partner.

This new person is not your ex, and though there is always potential that he or she can hurt you in a similar or new way, comparing him or her to the heartbreak you experienced once before will make it much harder for you to see your new partner at his or her fullest potential.

Even more, the associated fear will inhibit you from opening yourself up in your new relationship. Dating always provides for risks, and if you are focusing on all the ways the relationship could go wrong, it will be much easier for it to crash and burn.

Yes, your partner could hurt you, but he or she could very well be the one to restore your faith in love and relationships. Give this person a chance to do the latter.

Remember That Your Past Relationships Have Ended For A Reason

Comparing life to death is pointless, much like comparing relationships that have ended with those that are in full bloom.

Every relationship will have an end of some sort, but it could be a happy one. Even when things end badly, they allow us to begin again. Just think, if your past relationships didn’t end, you would not be where or with whom you are today.

So, while you may have ended one relationship, it doesn’t mean it’s your final ending. Our past relationships ended in part, so we could start our new ones.

Instead of comparing one to the other, we should be thankful for our exes for leading us to our new relationships.

Separate The “Back Then” From The “Right Now”

Our exes are our “back then.” Like any good throwback Thursday picture, we can look back and learn from them.

“Back then,” we did not know as much as we do today. “Back then,” we did not experience as much as we now have. “Back then” is behind us, and dwelling on it will ruin our current relationships or our “right nows.”

Our “right nows” are the people who are experiencing everything with us in the present. They are inspiring us to stop looking back, focus on the current moment and, perhaps, they are even sparking daydreams about the future.

A new relationship means there is potential for all of the exciting firsts: the first date, the first kiss, the first fight, the first “I love you.” We cannot fully enjoy those firsts in the “right now” if we are charting their similarities and differences to our “back thens.”

Your 20/20 Is For Hindsight Only — Don’t Let It Influence You Now

We’ve all had that aha moment after a relationship, when we emerge from the fog and are able to look at the past with total clarity.

Unfortunately, hindsight vision does not help us when we are trying to look forward.

While we should proceed with caution, if we experience things that are far too similar to something we have encountered before, we should not wait for elements of the past to come into our present.

We don’t have to completely wash our memories of past relationships, but we need to separately categorize our past and our present.

After all, our “right now” relationship could be our future, while our “back then” is simply how we became who we are in our “right now.”

Again, thanks for reading please visit dolphnotes.com and follow the page. If you just read this through Facebook it does not count the same in sponsor’s eyes. If you have a topic suggestion or want to leave comments, please leave them in comment section or email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com

Support dolphmotes.com shop from the links below. They are affiliate link sites, So if you know the author of dolphnotes.com personally do not worry I will not see what you are buying…. 😊

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“Every relationship needs an argument every now and then. Just to prove that it is strong enough to survive. Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.”
―Nicholas Sparks

At some point, we all get involved in a serious relationship, be it falling in love with a significant other, or simply establishing an amazingly close friendship. As soon as this relationship is in place, both parties must do their part to nurture it. When they fail to do so, solidarity is gradually replaced with suffering.

Although I sincerely hope your closest relationships are not suffering, if you have found yourself in this kind of predicament (as we all do sometimes), chances are the problem can be traced back to one or a few causes. If your relationships are all rainbows and butterflies right now, consider yourself lucky – this list will simply provide some good food for thought.

Presumed expectations about how someone “should be.”

You don’t love and appreciate someone because they’re perfect, you love and appreciate them in spite of the fact that they are not. “Perfection” is a deadly fantasy – something none of us will ever be. So, beware of your tendency to “fix” someone when they’re NOT broken. They are perfectly imperfect, just the way they should be.

Truthfully, the less you expect from someone you care about, the happier your relationship with them will be. No one in your life will act exactly as you hope or expect them to, ever. They are not YOU – they will not love, give, understand or respond like you do.

The biggest disappointments in life and in relationships are the result of misplaced expectations. Tempering unrealistic expectations of how something or someone “should be” will greatly reduce unnecessary frustration and suffering.

Searching for the missing pieces of YOU in someone else.

When we’re feeling incomplete, we tend to go out looking for somebody else to complete us. Initially we meet someone who’s compatible with us and they distract us from our deficiency, at least for a while. Then a few months or years into the relationship, we find that we’re still feeling incomplete, so we blame our friend or lover. It feels like they’ve changed, but in reality, they haven’t; they’ve just become less of a distraction to our own growing, inner void.

Ultimately what you need to realize is that while a close friend or lover can add beautiful dimensions to your life, YOU are responsible for your own fulfillment. Only you can complete yourself. Nobody else can provide your missing pieces, and to believe otherwise is to succumb to a lifetime of feeling broken, as every relationship you enter eventually ends in hopeless disappointment.

Poor communication.

Perhaps there’s something that really bothers you about your friend or lover. Why aren’t you saying something? Are you afraid they’ll get upset? Maybe they will and maybe they won’t. Either way you need to deal with it upfront, constructively, and avoid burying it until it worsens, festers and explodes out of you.

Great communication is the cornerstone of a great relationship. If you have resentment, you must talk it out rather than let the resentment grow. If you’re feeling jealous, you must communicate in an open and honest manner to address your insecurities. If you have expectations of your friend or lover, you must communicate them clearly. If there are any problems whatsoever, you must get them out of your head and into the open so they can be worked out.

Information is the grease that keeps the engine of communication running. Always give the important people in your life the information they need to understand you. And communicate more than just problems – communicate the good things too. Share what you love about your friend or lover. Share what is going on in your mind and heart. Share your deepest thoughts, needs, wishes, hopes and dreams.

Little lies that add up.

Anything is better than lies. They are like a cancer in the heart and soul. They eat away what is good and leave only decay and devastation behind. If you spend your life learning to lie to the people around you, not only will you hurt and deceive them, you will also hurt and deceive yourself – you will forget your own truth.

There is perhaps no phenomenon that is more destructive to a relationship than dishonesty, which permits envy, hate and deception to be acted out under the guise of love and virtue. Even the smallest, seemingly innocent lies eventually snowball into larger issues. Stand by the whole truth – your truth – always. If you say you’re going to do something, DO IT! If you say you’re going to be somewhere, BE THERE! If you say you feel something, MEAN IT! If you can’t, won’t and don’t, then DON’T LIE.

It’s always better to tell the whole truth up front. Don’t play games with the minds and hearts of others. Don’t tell half-truths and expect your friends or lover to trust you when the full truth comes out; half-truths are no better than lies.

Presence is complete awareness, or paying full attention to “the now.” If you do not find at least some amount of presence in the moments you share with those you care about, it is impossible to listen, speak, compromise, or otherwise connect with them on a meaningful level.

Presence is looking inward and learning how to be with yourself, in the moment, see the gears turning, embrace what’s in your immediate vicinity, and thereby put space around destructive thoughts of other times and places, as you apply your full energy to the “here and now.” The idea is that you must first attend to the reality of the moment before you can effectively contribute anything positive to it.

Simply being completely present with someone else is difficult because it requires you to share yourself completely, vulnerabilities and all, and enter a moment of unguarded honesty with this person.

To cultivate your presence, all you need to do is sit quietly for as long as you desire and put your full attention on your breath – thinking only of what each inhale and exhale feels like. Don’t judge or resist your inner-workings. Simply accept and breathe. Practice this a few times a day, and it will start to feel more natural. This way, when you are in the thick of a deep conversation with a friend or partner, you can access that presence and listen without judgment or impatience, speak with clarity, and learn to fully connect and compromise.

Bottom line: Be Present. Give the people you care about your full attention. Let them see their own beauty in your eyes. Let them find their own voice through your listening ears. Help them discover their own greatness in your presence.

Some relationships aren’t meant to last.

There are certain people who aren’t meant to fit into your life in the long-term no matter how much you want them to. They pass through your life in a shorter time frame than you had hoped to teach you things they never could have taught you if they stayed.

So many people think friends or lovers have to be the perfect fit, because that’s what everyone tells you to want – that’s the Hollywood love story. Of course, it’s nice when relationships stay healthy and last, but that doesn’t mean your failed relationships aren’t equally as important. Some people you engage with will be like a mirror – people who show you things that are holding you back, people who show you the ways that don’t work, people who bring your insecurities and misjudgments to your own attention so you can change your life.

It’s these people – the ones who come into your life for a short time and teach you a priceless lesson – that are some of the most important people you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you until you’re wide awake.

Do you want to live with these people in your life forever? No way – that would be way too painful! They come into your life to shake you up, tear apart your ego, flip your perspective, show you your obstacles, break your heart and mind open so new rays of light can shine in, just to reveal another layer of YOU to yourself, and then they move on like they’re supposed to.

Take their lessons as gifts and be sure you move on too.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list? Why do some good relationships go bad? Please leave a comment below and share your insights with us.

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I am still looking for a story from a female’s perspective so please write one and send it to me. You can stay anonymous I will only disclose your name if you want me to.

Again, thanks for reading please visit dolphnotes.com and follow the page. If you just read this through Facebook it does not count the same in sponsor’s eyes. If you have a topic suggestion or want to leave comments, please leave them in comment section or email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com

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Time for yet another one of my revelations: Most (if not all) problems in a relationship can be traced back to insecurity.

Insecurities that make us defensive
Insecurities that make us guarded
Insecurities that make us needy
Insecurities that make us demanding
Insecurities that make us submissive
… you get the idea

Reflecting on my own experiences in relationships I’ve realized that any time I felt angry with, or hurt by my significant other, it wasn’t about something they did – but an insecurity they triggered.

That time they canceled plans because they had to work late, the subconscious insecurities triggered probably went something like: “They must not want to spend time with me. Work is more important to them than me. I better make them feel guilty so they show me they love me again”.

That time they left me with all the chores: “They must not respect me, or even care about how this affects me. I better show them how angry I am so then they will respect me and not do this again.”

This isn’t to say that the things your partner does aren’t objectively wrong in one way or another, but any extreme negative reaction on your part is always based in some personal insecurity. This speaks to the REBT principle that we do not react to an event, but only to our interpretation of that event. Greek philosophers agree, so you know it must be true.

“Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them”– Epictetus

Most of us have a psychological make-up that’s a veritable land-mind of insecurities, planted there throughout our life experiences. We view each new experience through a lens of our personal fears, doubts, beliefs, and biases. So when we explode at our partner for not being there on time – we’re not just mad at them, we’re mad at our father for not showing up to our football game – only we’re not usually conscious of it. I would even go so far as to suggest that, due to a most basic need to love and be loved, every variety of insecurity is rooted in a fundamental and universal fear of not being loved.

Relationships consist of a series of bids for love and support from our partners, that we hope will ward off that scary feeling of not being loved. Will you comfort me in this situation, or invalidate my feelings? Will you make me feel wanted, or reject me? Can I depend on you for this, or will you disappoint me? In other words, we’re constantly looking to our partners for feelings of security – security within the relationship, and security with ourselves. When they don’t fill this need, it hurts, and it feels scary. It triggers that deeply buried and powerful fear – that maybe we’re not loved… maybe we’re not even lovable.

This extends past relationships too. We might look to many other things in our external world to make us feel more secure – our jobs, our bank accounts, our looks, our achievements, etc. We convince ourselves that if these factors are just right, we’ll be secure, we’ll have value, we’ll be lovable. If we don’t feel secure, we assume it’s because one of these factors isn’t where it should be. So, we try to change our external world. We try to get more money, or a more prestigious job title. Some people will starve themselves, or have surgery to feel more attractive. In relationships, we fight and argue in attempts to force the relationship to meet our needs for security. We try to change our partners into people that act in ways that will always make us feel secure.

Other people can make us feel more secure…

It’s true. Research has found that being in a relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style can make us more secure.

If you’ve never heard of attachment styles before, the basic idea is this: Our early interactions with our parents (or primary caregiver) lays the foundation for what we expect and thus how we behave in future relationships. If our parents were consistently available when we sought them for comfort and support, we’ll develop a “secure attachment style” in which we’ll be able to get close to others and trust them to provide us with love and support. However, if our parents were unavailable or inconsistent in attuning to our emotional needs, we’ll develop an “insecure attachment style” in which we have a hard time trusting that others will love and support us. People with secure attachment styles show more empathy in their relationships, seek out support from others more easily, communicate their feelings more easily, and are more trusting. Insecurely attached individuals might be anxious and clingy in relationships, or distant and avoiding, or a confusing combination of all the above. The silver lining is that shacking up with someone who has a secure attachment style, can help you feel more secure in your relationships.

So this is good news, but not the perfect solution in my opinion – because I think depending on your partner to make you feel secure can only go so far. Even people with secure attachment style have relationship difficulties, and feel insecure at times.

The External World is Unpredictable

The problem is that anytime we are looking externally to feel more secure – we will be inevitably be let down. We might feel better momentarily, but it’s simply not sustainable. Our partner gets us flowers to apologize for messing up, and we might feel loved again – but it’s a matter of time until something else starts to make us feel insecure. This is because we can never control other people, and so we can never be 100% certain that they will feed our need for security. In fact, nothing about the external world is completely dependable, or without risk. People are unpredictable, our jobs are unpredictable, the world is unpredictable. Relying on external sources of security only creates a negative feedback loop that makes us feel less secure and even more dependent on those external sources.

The self is the only dependable source of security

The only true source of security is from within. We might exert all kinds of effort trying to control the rest of our world, but the only thing we can really control is ourselves. So, what if we put as much effort into mastering our ability to choose the perspective we take of the world? What if instead of trying to change our partners into people that are better at making us feel secure, we change ourselves into people that fill our own need of security? What if we could provide ourselves with our own secure attachment to ourselves?

What would this look like? Well we would give ourselves the type of love, validation, and responsiveness that we hope for from our partners. We would recognize and respond to our own needs with patience and care. We would trust ourselves to love and respect ourselves no matter what. We would put effort towards developing ourselves to be the best version of ourselves, for ourselves.

Once you realize this, your relationships will improve.

With this in mind, I have two things that I say to myself when I’m having difficulties in a relationship.

1.“It’s never about them, it’s always about you”
In other words, when we’re upset we automatically start blaming things on our partner’s issues, it’s really always about our own issues.

“Am I hoping/expecting something external will make me feel better right now?”
(spoiler alert: the answer is pretty much always “yes”)

By making a habit of saying these things during any interpersonal conflict, I remind myself to look inward for the reasons why I am so upset. Once I do this I can work on addressing my own insecurities that are fueling the problem, without making my partner responsible for them. Being aware of how my own insecurities are contributing, I become calmer, more objective, less defensive, and more open to my partner’s perspective. I can communicate my needs and insecurities to my partner without hostility, opening the door for issues to be dealt with in a productive way. Doing this then builds trust, support, and intimacy.

Paradoxically, when we are less dependent on our partners to make us feel secure, intimacy flourishes and our relationships actually becomes more secure. By being able to provide ourselves with the validation and support we need, we can simply enjoy our relationship without trying to make it serve our needs. We can accept our partners’ differences and short-comings, because they no longer threaten our sense of security. And so, we become better romantic partners. We become the type of person that our significant other wants to be with, wants to love, wants to support, etc.

With that I’ll leave you with the best definition of true love I’ve yet to come across:

“It is a caring enough about the person that you do not wish to interfere with his development, nor to use him for any self-aggrandizing goals of your own. Your satisfaction comes in having set him free to grow in his own fashion.”– Carl Rogers

Again, thanks for reading please visit dolphnotes.com and follow the page. If you just read this through Facebook it does not count the same in sponsor’s eyes. If you have a topic suggestion or want to leave comments, please leave them in comment section or email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com

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Whether you’ve already started dating after divorce, or you’re about to take the plunge, chances are good you’re going to be tempted to give in to three behaviors that will sabotage either your ability to move on from your marriage, or seriously reduce the chance you’ll find a wonderful new man. Here are three post-divorce dating dangers and how you can avoid them:1. Thinking all guys are like your ex. Trusting a new man once you’ve been hurt by your ex-husband is difficult. Yet, if you don’t get rid of this distrust toward men it will destroy your chance of finding someone new. This distrust often shows up in online dating profiles when you say things like “no head games,” or “no dishonest men.” When you write those things in your profile, you’re broadcasting on a billboard that you’ve been hurt and that you’re distrustful.You’ll scare away the men who have it together because they’ll recognize your distrust immediately. And most of the men who really do play head games or are dishonest haven’t admitted to themselves that they possess these massive flaws … this makes it likely that they aren’t going to stay away from you just because you ask them to in your profile. And when you do get into a relationship after divorce, even if the guy is faithful to you and is madly in love with you, you may not believe anything he says.This can happen because in the back of your mind, you’ll have this ongoing chorus playing: “All men are just like my ex-husband. All men cheat. All men fall out of love and break up with you.” It plays like a country song accompanied by an out-of-tune guitar. Replace that chorus with something more melodious, something like: “I’m having a lot of fun getting to know my new man (or my date) and finding out what good qualities he has.” With each man you meet, you want to start with a clean slate. Look at him as an individual. Notice all the ways your new man or date is different from your ex-husband. If you’re still having difficulties trusting men after divorce simply by using your logic, One must find ways to dispel that distrust.2. Getting involved in a rebound relationship. If you’re lonely after your divorce, it’s easy to get involved with someone new before you’re truly ready to move on. But how do you know whether that new relationship is the real thing or whether you’re simply on the rebound? First, ask yourself if the person you’re with has the qualities you’d want in a long-term partner. Do you have lots in common with this person? Or is the physical attraction blinding you to how wrong you really are for each other?

Another question to ask: Am I happy alone even without a man in my life? If the answer is yes, then you’re ready to get involved in a new relationship. But if the only reason you’re getting involved in a new relationship is because you can’t stand to be alone, then your new relationship may indeed be a rebound relationship. As you heal from your divorce and think about the lessons you learned from it, your new relationship can be transformed from a rebound relationship to a real relationship, as long as it’s based on more than just physical attraction.3. Unintentionally holding onto baggage. None of us are blank sheets of paper. We have all been hurt in the past. The key is to find ways to release the baggage so it doesn’t get stuck inside of you. In fact, much of the time, you’re probably not even aware of your baggage.It’s time to start having an internal dialogue with yourself. Did you spend enough time alone after your divorce to really think about what caused the collapse of your marriage? While your ex-husband likely played a part, did you have any destructive habits? Blame is one of the most common destructive habits I’ve seen in couples. We want to blame our significant others for the way we feel. But our emotions have our nametags on them. We own them. Rather than telling our partners “You’re making me angry,” it’s much better to say, “When you did X, Y, or Z, I didn’t feel so good. I felt really uncomfortable.”Whether it’s avoiding blame or any other relationship-sabotaging factors, is there anything you could do differently in a new relationship to stop it from going the way of your marriage? It’s only when you answer this question that you can say goodbye to your baggage and hello to a wonderful new relationship

Again, thanks for reading please visit dolphnotes.com and follow the page. If you just read this through Facebook it does not count the same in sponsor’s eyes. If you have a topic suggestion or want to leave comments, please leave them in comment section or email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com

So, as you might have read a few post back that my goal is to make dolphnotes a permanent site in addition to I would like to launch an internet radio station and include a dolphnotes audio show. So, with that said it is hard to obtain sponsors for that so it will be all on my own dime until I have been established for 6 months up to years. So below is a bunch of websites I run that the proceeds go to the above-mentioned project. Please shop and share the links. Thanks, Dolph

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How ready are you to date? A lot of people think being ‘ready’ means ready to get attention, have companionship, get sex, an ego stroke – ready to jump back in the saddle. However, being ready to date, which prepares you for being ready for a relationship is actually about being mentally and emotionally ready. In this quiz, find out your dating readiness. The more you agree with, the readier you are.

I’m over my ex and am no longer emotionally invested in them.

No seriously, I’m not holding out a secret hope that we’ll get back together. Oh, and I don’t have any other exes lurking around.

I believe that a loving, healthy relationship with mutual love, care, trust and respect is out there for me.

There are still a lot of good people to date.

I trust myself and I’m OK with acting in my own best interests even if it may hurt a little.

I am aware of my boundaries and red flag behavior and if I were to encounter someone that overstepped my boundaries and/or exhibited red flag behavior, I would know what to do.

I know that sex and love are not the same thing.

I have a reasonable level of trust and am not controlled by my fears. In fact, I am actively working on addressing any issues that have previously affected me in relationships.

I can mentally and emotionally cope with someone not reciprocating my interest or dates not working out.

If there’s stuff that you disagreed with, take it as a signal to dig deep within and be aware that if you proceed to date anyway without addressing them, you need to own your part in what results. While agreeing with the above doesn’t mean ‘Shazam!’, your perfect partner is going to fall out of the sky, you will be far less likely to fall into any old habits and you’ll ultimately be taking care of you. Read on for the ‘answers’

I’m over my ex and am no longer emotionally invested in them.

This is a major part of dating readiness. If you are not over your ex you are unavailable and will end up passing time with people, messing them around, flip flapping in indecision, and expecting them to do the emotional work of getting you over your ex.

It’s a bit like – If you’re that great a person, you’ll get me over my ex.

Don’t go there.

If you date to feel better, you’ll probably feel worse after the initial high of attention. You’ll also spend too much time comparing and contrasting and in reality, you just can’t be emotionally present.

Don’t use dating to avoid working your way through the loss of the relationship. Deal with your feelings – good, bad, and indifferent. Also live by the same values you’d expect from others – this isn’t an experience you’d want to be on the receiving end of.

No seriously, I’m not holding out a secret hope that we’ll get back together. Oh, and I don’t have any other exes lurking around.

A lot of people, especially Unavailables, are afraid of finality and this can also be a part of a general commitment resistance. When you break up, it’s best to take it that it’s ‘done’ so that you don’t languish in limbo putting your life on hold and delaying processing your feelings.

Without committing to your relationship being over, you are trying to keep your options open, which is unfair to others you may become involved with.

The world doesn’t need Yet Another Person flip flapping around in the dating pool trying to get the fringe benefits of a relationship without the relationship and without the intimacy.

Unavailable people often have a lot of ‘loose ends’ in their lives and some of these ex’s boomerang in and out like bad pennies. Shed the dead weight, put boundaries in place so that you can be genuinely available for a new relationship.

Also, never give someone license to dip in and out of your life.

I believe that a loving, healthy relationship with mutual love, care, trust and respect is out there for me.

Positive beliefs are fundamental to your mentality, attitude, and breaking any previous negative relationship patterns. This is because what you believe is what you predict will happen, is how you will act accordingly, is how you’ll end up catering to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Believing you can love again shows a great deal of faith but will also have you less interested in people who fit a negative belief. Believing you can’t and that it’s not out there for you, means that you’ll be distrusting and/or likely to resign yourself to shady relationships. You’ll go about your merry way getting on with your life instead of feeling down and desperate to prove yourself wrong in a wrong relationship.

There are still a lot of good people to date.

Again, it’s about having faith in the fact that there are plenty of living, breathing, decent people out there to date.

I’m going to hazard a guess that you’re a relatively decent person – you’re not alone, other people have loved, lost, made mistakes, and not found a loving relationship…yet.

If you believe the decent ones are gone, you’re saying ‘Sod it. I must resign myself to dating assclowns’. It’s a cop out that you’re using to legitimize the fact that you’re not prepared to get uncomfortable.

I trust myself and I’m OK with acting in my own best interests even if it may hurt a little.

Trusting yourself is a sign of a reasonable level of self-esteem. In fact, if you can’t date with your self-esteem in tow, don’t bother until you can.

When we don’t trust others it’s because we don’t trust ourselves.

If you like and love yourself, you’ll trust you instead of treating you like an enemy and putting others on pedestals with blind love and trust. If you’re going to do this dating thing, you need to be prepared to act and sometimes make decisions and opt out of situations even though your libido, your imagination, and your ego may say otherwise.

I’m aware of my boundaries and red flag behavior and if I were to encounter someone that busts and flags these, I would know what to do.

Before you go on another date and get yourself invested up to the hilt, be aware of what you are prepared to accept in your relationships (boundaries) and the no-go areas (red flags) that signal that you must opt out and step away from the light.

People who don’t know or use their boundaries and red flags analyze the crapola out of things. They rationalize and project all sorts of excuses on it or they deny the existence or extent of the issue – this is dangerous. They don’t know when to fold and instead of registering what the information means about the person and possibilities for a relationship, they turn it into ‘What did I do to make them this way?’ or ‘What can I do to fix this?’

I know that sex and love are not the same thing.

Say it with me – Sex without the intimacy, care, trust, respect and love, is just sex.

Don’t get it twisted and if you can’t have sex without thinking they love you or that it must mean you’re committed, I’d put yourself on lock down or re-evaluate your sexual values and boundaries.

I have a reasonable level of trust and am not controlled by my fears. In fact, I am actively working on addressing any issues that have previously affected me in relationships.

Dating is a discovery phase where you get the opportunity to find out more about them and determine whether you want to move forward. You need to go in with a reasonable level of trust and increase it as you get signals of trustworthiness or roll it back when you don’t.

If you’re ruled by fear, it will be a dramatic, insecure interaction and you may end up sabotaging a potential relationship or being with someone that reflects your fears. Know the difference between internal and external factors that are triggering your fears.

Make sure you have been addressing your fears and any other issues for a while before you start dating again, because if you do it too soon and you get your fingers burned, it may set you back.

I can mentally and emotionally cope with someone not reciprocating my interest or dates not working out.

Dates don’t work out for all sorts of reasons and it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you. Sometimes two people just don’t vibe or it becomes clear that they want different things.

To be able to date with your self-esteem, you need to have awareness and have cleared the smoke so you can smell the BS. If you don’t, you will take it personal when even the most minor of interactions don’t work out.

Slow your roll – Especially when you either didn’t make it to a date or you only went on a few dates, you don’t know them enough to have so many hopes and dreams that it will take you a disproportionate amount of time to get over them.

If you don’t know someone very well and have been on no more than a few dates, more of your energy needs to be in reality than in your imagination.

Dating can be fun, but there is a level of ‘rejecting’ and ‘rejection’ to be experienced and the reality is that you won’t be going anywhere fast if you must go through a big recovery process after every interaction. It’s pivotal to have a good sense of self that remains intact instead of taking knocks with every interaction.

You’re not made of stone and it’s OK to feel disappointed but don’t get hijacked by the disappointment and end up in mourning over every person that enters your life, no matter how briefly. Keep putting yourself out there – you live to love again. Your future doesn’t rest on any one of these people.

Again, thanks for reading please visit dolphnotes.com and follow the page. If you just read this through Facebook it does not count the same in sponsor’s eyes. If you have a topic suggestion or want to leave comments, please leave them in comment section or email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com

So, as you might have read a few post back that my goal is to make dolphnotes a permanent site in addition to I would like to launch an internet radio station and include a dolphnotes audio show. So, with that said it is hard to obtain sponsors for that so it will be all on my own dime until I have been established for 6 months up to years. So below is a bunch of websites I run that the proceeds go to the above-mentioned project. Please shop and share the links. Thanks, Dolph

Links may not be clickable if not please copy and paste and remember to share