A Child’s Most-Wanted Graduation Gift: The Antidote for a Meaningless Life

“The way homeThis is always the way homeSo you can rip that map to shreds, my dear.This is not the love you've had beforeThis is something else.This is not the same as other daysThis is something else.”
-Snow Patrol, Life on Earth

My daughter’s school recently requested baby pictures for the fifth-grade graduation party. I went through the digital photo albums and got lost for a bit—celebrating … remembering … rejoicing … and pausing.

The photo I stopped on the longest was from her preschool graduation.

I can still remember how emotional I became seeing her standing proudly on stage in her pint-size cap and gown. I blamed my tears on the songs the cherubic graduates sang about growing up and going to kindergarten—but the truth is, those were tears of relief. Just months before Avery’s graduation, I’d woken up to the fact that I was missing my life—and with it, a chance to truly know my child.

I cried tears of gratitude that day knowing there was a pretty good chance I would truly know that girl when it came time for her to walk across the stage for her high school graduation.

I’ve spent the last seven years of Avery’s life getting to know her, and God willing, I intend to spend the next seven years doing that and more. Yes, to know your children is to love them, but that love can be taken even further. How we respond when our children show us who they are can help them find their purpose, changing the trajectory of their lives.

Let me explain what I’ve discovered:

About my child, I know …

She likes her privacy when she changes clothes.
I no longer say, “What’s the big deal?” I respect her boundaries.
And when I do, I see peace on her face.

About my child, I know …

She has a very low tolerance to pain.
I no longer say, “Shake it off.” I empathize; I give her time.
And when I do, I see peace on her face.

About my child, I know …

She is hesitant to try new things.
I no longer push her. I offer patience and belief.
And when I do, I see peace.

As I’ve come to know these important details about my eleven-year-old child, I’ve learned what responses empower her, rather than hinder her. Accepting responses to who she is at her core result in peace. I’ve seen it on her face. What I could not see — until just recently — was the peace developing beneath the skin.

317 days ago, Avery became a vegetarian. The decision happened suddenly. One minute she was playing with Ghost crabs at the beach, and the next, she was practically running from an extended family gathering at a restaurant.

As plates of meat were set down around her, the color drained from her face. Avery leaned over and requested I go with her to the restroom. Once we rounded the corner, she grabbed my hand tightly. With pleading eyes, she said, “I want to be a vegetarian, Mom.”

I did not know what to say or what to do, but that didn’t matter.

She knew.

Avery knew herself.

Over the past 317 days, Avery has been committed to this humane lifestyle and makes choices that feel right in her heart. She patiently answers questions from other kids and is quite content eating alternatives to meat.

Last weekend, Avery called me over the computer. She’d been researching inhuman practices on factory farms. I thought it for was a school project. She explained that someone had belittled her at a birthday party as she ate her chickpea patty from home while the rest of the girls ate chicken nuggets.

“Why do that?” the child had asked flippantly. “The chickens are going to get killed anyway.”

Avery knew in her heart that her choice to abstain from meat was making a difference, but she wanted facts to support that belief.

I hurried to the kitchen to get the little book my older daughter Natalie bought for Avery for Christmas. I’d read Stuff Every Vegetarian Should Knowover spring break in an effort to support Avery’s vegetarian lifestyle.

I knew exactly which page Avery needed to hear. I opened to the most powerful page – a page that is shaping my own eating choices since I read the book three weeks ago. It reads:

“One person’s choice to go veg saves more than an animal a day—over 350 animals a year, of which at least 25 will be land animals such as cows pig, goats, and chickens … If you stop eating meat at age 20 and keep at it, you will have saved over 1,000 land animals.” –Katherine MCGuire

As I read the powerful statistics to Avery, I saw that unmistakable look of peace. This information confirmed exactly what she felt in her heart.

I don’t think it was any coincidence that a few hours later, she said, “I think I am ready to get my new hamster.”

It had been over a month of mourning the unexpected death of her hamster Mochi and going into pet stores “just to look.”

Avery’s response to every hamster she saw was the same, “I’ll know it when I see it.”

When she decided she was ready, we went back to one of the first pet stores we had visited. The same cute baby hamsters were still there. Avery had planned on getting a Syrian hamster like Mochi, but these two Teddy Bear hamsters had beautiful coats and sweet faces.

Avery asked the store employee if she could see the brown one. The man hastily got the hamster out and ended up dropping her on the floor.

Judging by the height of the man, I cringed. I knew how dangerous it was for hamsters to fall even a few inches, let alone multiple feet! I looked at Avery’s face and it was colorless, much like the night she decided to become a vegetarian.

The salesperson was flustered and embarrassed; he quickly pointed to another hamster for Avery to consider.

“I will take her,” Avery said pointing to the stunned little brown and white hamster. “I want that one,” she repeated.

The man looked to me questioningly.

“She knows,” I said.

Avery looked up and smiled at me with relief, that distinct look of peace settling on her face.

Unlike her hamster previous hamster, Kukui (named after the Hawaiian nut) is timid and does not like to be picked up (we certainly can’t blame her for that!). Avery spends time talking to her, singing to her, and gently petting her back.

Kukui is the first thing Avery thinks about in the morning and the first thing she cares for when she comes home from school. She takes her job of cleaning, feeding, and nurturing very seriously.

“Look Mom,” she said pointing to Kukui’s ear. “See the black fur on her ear? It's in the shape of a heart.”

“I see the heart!” I said excitedly. That’s when my eyes shifted from the hamster to the girl who advocates for animals, befriends elderly people, and strums her guitar with a voice made to bring healing and hope.

At last, I could see beneath the peace on her face to the peace in her core—and what I saw was purpose.

To know who you areAnd why you are on this earthCan change the trajectory of a person’s life.

Rabbi Patricia Karlin-Neumann, Stanford’s senior associate dean for religious life, describes purpose as an “internal compass” that serves both the self and the larger community. It points a person to the places “where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet,” quoting from theologian Frederick Buechner. (source)

As I watch Avery’s strong sense of self form before my eyes, I think purpose could very well be the antidote for the feelings of anxiety, loneliness, sadness, and unfulfillment that are at crisis levels for today’s youth.

William Damon, Stanford School of Education professor and psychologist, has spent years studying the results of youth being driven beyond healthy limits by the demands they feel from parents, schools, and the college admissions process. In a riveting article in Palo Alto Weekly, he shares this belief: “It is a sense of purpose – intrinsic, sustaining and noble – that is missing in the majority of today's youth, causing many of them to drift and founder.” Damon believes parents and school administrators should focus more on addressing lack of purpose, and not just its by-product, stress.

Today’s youth are pointed toward a narrow path to success, one that is often defined for them and has little to do with their inclinations and interests. “Working hard for something they didn’t choose themselves, and don’t believe in, is counterproductive to long- term health and fulfillment. It is simply not sustainable. A purposeful life, by contrast, can unleash tremendous energy, creativity, exhilaration and a deep satisfaction with efforts and accomplishments,” Damon states.

Thankfully, everyone is capable of finding purpose. Senior Pastor Dave Howell confirms its availability to all in this three-element definition: “unique gifts each individual has to offer, the responsibility to share those gifts with the world, and the joy to be found in doing that.” (source)

There has been an increasing number of concerned parents approaching me after my speaking events. They’ve noticed the light is fading from their children’s eyes. They say their kids are unmotivated, stressed out, depressed, and some are even engaging in self harm. My first question is: Do they have a place of refuge? A place where they are free to be themselves, doing something that brings them true joy and inner peace?

Purpose.

Now I know.

And you can too.

We can guide our children toward a life of meaning and purpose by getting to know them and responding to what we learn in supportive and accepting ways. It might look or sound like this:

A Parent’s Purpose-Building Pledge:

I know it is demoralizing to try to be someone you are not, therefore this is my pledge to you:

I will not steer you towards my interests, but let you find your own.

I will let you test the waters and try new things.

I will be willing to explore what interests you without judgement or shame.

I will stop evaluating your activities based on how they will look on a resume or college application.

If an activity or new interest is not working out, I will not rush in to fix it; I will simply listen and let you be the problem solver.

I will remember your journey is your own, not a time to live out my unfulfilled dreams through you.

My child, you don’t have to hide who you really are to please me.

I love you for who you are today,
and I will continue to love you as you become who you are meant to be.

My friends, let’s make every effort we can to know our children. And when they show us who they are, let’s lean in.

This is the path to self-acceptance …

So they can hear their calling, even when the world tries to drown it out.

So they are courageous in what they stand for, even when the world tries to push them down.

So they possess an unshakable sense of peace, even when the world is unstable.

“I will know it when I see it,” Avery says because she knows herself.

I can’t help but feel excited about who she’ll be when she walks across the high school graduation stage seven years from now.

I can just picture it—my curly-haired Noticer of Life brightening the whole auditorium with her contagious smile.

I’ll lean over to the person next to me and whisper, “I know her. I know every good, true, and honorable thing about her, and she’s going to leave her mark – in the shape of a heart – on the world.”

**********************************************

Dear Friends of the Hands Free Revolution, I look forward to meeting many of you in just a few days when I speak at the University of Central Missouri on May 3! Information & tickets available here.

If you are looking for a unique and meaningful end-of-the-year appreciation gift or a Mother’s Day gift, please consider the beautiful handmade bracelets, cuffs, and prints available in the Hands Free Shop. You can enjoy 30% your entire order for a short time with the discount code: WELOVEMOM30. The Presence Pledge and Hands Free Pledge make cherished gifts for teachers and mothers this time of year, and the Facing Fear Manifesto and COME AS YOU ARE cuff are ideal for graduates. Thank you for your support of my message and my life’s work. I cherish you all dearly.

Comments

Rachel, I love this post! Your love for Avery just shines through it. Thank you for modeling the kind of parenting I aspire to. 🙂 In turn, please tell Avery that she is a brave inspiration to me in my own plant-based eating, and that she is making a difference by being true to her heart.

Wow. This means so much to see your beautiful face and receive these beautiful words from your heart. I will most definitely tell Avery. She will be so touched. Please check in with me soon and let me know how you and J are doing. Love you so much.

Oh my goodness!! I love this. I was at my daughter’s elementary school
today, and her guidance counselor shared that Meredith, also a fifth grader, had written that the thing she would miss most about their school was “feeling welcomed and loved.” I think that speaks volumes about her time there, and what makes her “light up.” It takes a village and a community to love kids just as they are.

Tell Avery that I am almost through year four of being vegetarian, and I’m happy to know that she’s so committed to loving animals, and advocating for them:)

This is so powerful, we are currently reading your Hands Free Mama book in Faith Full Moms study. Reading about your daughters low pain tolerance really struck me because my 4 year old daughter has a low tolerance as well so I often comfort her but at the park the other day a Mom has told her daughter after I comforted mine that we get up after falls and shake it off. Whether or not it was directed towards my comforting of my own daughter it made me think maybe I am being too soft but your message reminds me that I’m being the Mom my daughter needs and she needs her Mom to comfort her when she has pain. Thank you for sharing!

Rachel, I love all of your posts, but this is one of my favorites. Your daughter sounds similar to mine in many ways, and I’m doing my best to know, appreciate, and enjoy what makes her tick. Yet, I sometimes fall victim to the crowd mentality of what kids “should” do and be and enjoy. She doesn’t love the activities that most kids love (sports, gymnastics, dance, music), and while I haven’t pushed her into anything, I’ve worried that she might become lost without participating in those sorts of things. But I hadn’t thought about the idea of “purpose,” and at the end of the day, that is exactly what I want for her, regardless of what form it takes. I do believe that she will know it when she sees it, and that when she does find that thing that lights her up, she will be ALL IN. In the meantime, I need to work more toward offering patience and belief, and spend less time worrying and subtly pressuring. Thank you for your perspective!

This was beautiful, Rachel! Thank you so much for reminding me to take time to get to know my children. As moms I think sometimes we THINK we know our kids, inside and out… but they are always growing and changing! And we can always learn. I’m thankful for your words, that never fail to remind me to slow down and take a breath 🙂 Hugs!

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Welcome!

I want to make memories, not to-do lists. I want to feel the squeeze of loving arms, not the pressure of over-commitment. I want to get lost in conversation with my favorite people, not consumed in a sea of unimportant emails. I want to be overwhelmed by sunsets that give me hope, not by overloaded agendas that steal my joy. I want the noise of my life to be a mixture of laughter & gratitude, not the intrusive buzz of mobile phones & text messages. I’m letting go of distraction, perfection, & pressure to grasp what really matters. I’m living Hands Free. Will you join me? (Read More)

Meet Rachel

“After attending one of Rachel’s speaking events, I am finding myself pausing more and re-setting my reactions to my spouse and children as a result of reflecting on the situations and lessons Rachel shared. Her decision to reveal the good, the bad, and the ugly, and what she’s learned as she’s worked to transform herself, has lasting impacts on her audience. Rachel’s lessons are like ripples in the ocean as they help others like me move towards choosing love and coming as we are. Rachel works wonders by helping others work wonders.”
–A Hands Free Mama in progress