Thursday, December 9, 2010

Holiday Position Now Available!

Now hiring for the holiday season, with possible permanent job placement after the holidays: Someone dedicated, hardworking, and honest, to be my Holiday Bitch Filter.

Job Description: This person will be responsible for following me around and making sure I don't do or say anything too bitchy this holiday season. We can discuss, in the interview process, what your methods of being my Bitch Filter would be, but I am not opposed to such techniques as:

Niceness (I really don't think that ramming that lady's car because she stole your parking spot is a great idea. How about we just go down the next aisle and see if there's a spot open?)

Being stern (Do NOT flip that old man off!),

Unnecessary ego stroking (Yes, it was horribly wrong for that woman to take the last carton of eggnog that you were clearly going to buy. It was your carton of eggnog, yes, I agree. But, maybe, instead of going and grabbing it out of her shopping cart when she isn't looking, think of it as your Christmas present to her this year. She's clearly not as beautiful as you, or as intelligent, and maybe she's going to add rum to it and just drink her sorrows away this Christmas while you are enjoying yours with your wonderful family.)

Being a bitch on my behalf (No, you watch the road since you are driving; I'll roll down the window and tell that teenager that cut you off to shove it where the sun doesn't shine.).

A constant reminding that it's the holiday season, everyone else is stressed, too, and that it's the time of year for being jolly and nice is only appropriate if I have a sense of humor that day. If that's your only technique for being by Bitch Filter, then sorry, please apply elsewhere.

Job hours are long, possibly 24 hours a day, though you should be able to get a break while I'm sleeping (not a guarantee, though, with me). Position involves going out with me for simple errands, especially the post office and grocery store, in depth holiday shopping, and sitting next to me while I'm on the phone with friends, family, bill collectors, etc. Overtime will need to be pulled when I'm drinking, wake up in a bad mood, don't win an auction on ebay I needed, when hubby has weekend duty, when there's a lady in front of me in a long line at the checkout on her cell phone and another register opens up and the cashier tries to get her attention but she's too busy on her cell phone to pay attention and I decide to cut in front of her in line because she's annoying me (HUGE pet peeve of mine, and has actually occurred already), or when it just seems like the whole world is out to make me a bitch that day.

When in full Bitch Filter job mode, it might be necessary, and required of you, to steal my phone so I don't call or text bitchy things, block my Facebook so I don't post a bitchy status, and keep me from getting into my email to send a bitchy message. Now, you should know that I am a Sneaky Bitch, so even if we made it through a bitchy moment, and you think you are in the clear, you probably aren't.

Job Requirements:

At least 1 year experience working with a bitch; yes, bitchy bosses, coworkers, in-laws, mothers, sisters, teachers, best friends, cousins, and neighbors all count as experience.

Not easily embarrassed, for the occasions you don't quite make it in time as my Bitch Filter and I flip the Bitch Switch on in public

The ability to think quickly and act quickly under pressure; my Bitch Switch gets flipped quite quickly, especially during the holiday season

Being comfortable with physical contact; sometimes I just need to be smacked upside the head as you see the Bitch Switch flipping on. If you can't smack a bitch, then no job, sorry.

Preferred:

A current bitch yourself, or having been a bitch in the past. I feel I can relate more to bitches, so being one yourself might be helpful in dealing with me.

As stated in the beginning, permanent job placement is possible, pending your performance as my Holiday Bitch Filter. I have no problem being a bitch under normal circumstances, but I've been told (and given evil stares more in recent history) that I'm overly bitchy right now, so the position is definitely needed through the holiday season. We'll re-evaluate in January for possible permanent placement.

Thanks for your interest in the position as my Holiday Bitch Filter. If I don't get back to your application immediately, it's probably because I'm plotting the demise of the local grocer who didn't adequately stock baking supplies this season, causing me to drive around to find some vanilla extract. Or, I'm still driving around a shopping center parking lot looking for a damn parking spot.

oh, I would love this job but would horrible at it since I would encourage you to switch out the eggnog with a similar looking carton or let different amounts of air out of the tires of the jackastor in the parking lot. Yeah, you should absolutely not consider me for the job.

1. Paid travel and lodging to wherever it is you live for myself and my family.2. A constant supply of duct tape for when I need to restrain either your mouth or entire body in the course of the job3. liquor and/or wine to be consumed by both of us at the end of a long day of bitchiness avoidance. :D

The problem is that since I switch into Bitchy mode myself this time of year, that I would encourage your Bitchy-ness instead of curbing it. But from your post, I know see what a help this position would be in my life, so I might shortly be taking applications also!