Saturday, October 31, 2009

Gregory: Welcome to this special edition of Meet The Press - thank you all for coming

McCain: thank you David

Dracula: yeeesss thank you Daaahhveed Greegorrry

Frankenstein: Mr. Gregory nice to be here

Wolfman: Good morning everyone

Zombie: Glad to be here, Dave

Mummy: mmmmmph rrrrmmmpph

Gregory: Senator McCain let’s start with you - the House Democrats have proposed a 2,000 page health reform bill with a public option - do they have the votes to pass this and can the Republicans stop it?

McCain: my friends this proposal is not the right thing to do - we need to start over, go back to the drawing board and-

Zombie: Fresh brains!!! mmmmrrrrrrgghhhh!!!!

[ zombie lunges at McCain ]

Gregory: zombie please don’t eat John McCain’s brain

McCain: aaaaaarrhhhh

Zombie: grrraarrmmmphhh nom nom nom nom

Gregory: great now McCain is wandering around the studio aimlessly

Frankenstein: so nothing new then

Wolfman: ha good one Frank

Frankenstein: thanks Wolf

Gregory: ok John McCain is now one of the undead - let’s move on

McCain: moooooaaaannn

Gregory: Dracula what do you think of this health reform bill

Dracula: Daaavid Gregorrry I must say this bill eees a terrible idea - Americans viiill lose access to health care, and insurance companies vill be put out of business

Wolfman: I strongly disagree. Look at me - being a wolfman is a preexisting condition - how am I supposed to get health insurance now?? Plus I have sciatica, high blood pressure, and distemper!

Gregory: sorry to hear that

Mummy: mmmmrrrrph arrrruummph

Gregory: Frankenstein what do you think?

Frankenstein: Actually I’m The Creature - Frankenstein was the scientist who created me

Gregory: oh really sorry

Frankenstein: it’s okay - you can call me Frank

McCain: [ wanders across stage ]braaaaaainnnnsss!!

Frankenstein: David it’s clear we need single-payer insurance - if government insurance is good enough for members of Congress and our military, why not everyone else?

Gregory: but the deficit!!!

Frankenstein: Calm down Fluffy - it’s more efficient and speaking as someone is himself stitched from parts of dead bodies - I know how much we need this

Dracula: eees a government takeover of health carrre and eess a jobs kiiiiller

Gregory: I should tell our viewers Dracula that you sit on the board of directors of Aetna and United Health and have $200 million in health insurance stock

Dracula: [ shrugs ] I have made a few investments over zeee last 500 yearrrs, eees true

Zombie: I’m very concerned about the details - for example will there be negotiated rates? Who will be eligible for the public option? And most importantly - will it cover fresh brains???

Gregory: all good questions

McCain: [cuts in front of camera ] aaaaarrrhhh braaaains

Gregory: the public option has created a firestorm of controversy

Frankenstein: Fire BAAAD!!!!

Wolfman: without single-payer this is basically a giveaway to the insurance companies, for example oh no full moon oh no nooo ow ow oww OW OWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

[ turns into wolf, leaps on zombie John McCain ]

McCain: aaaaiiiieeeee

Gregory: oh Wolfman is biting the senator

Frankenstein: that’s a shame

Gregory: Ok he just ate John McCain - let’s move on

[ Dracula stares at Gregory’s neck ]

Gregory: Mummy you’re from the middle east - if we leave Iraq and Afghanistan don’t we just surrender to the terrorists?

Mummy: I once read in hieroglyphics that you were a moron

Gregory: we have to stay for the honor of our troops! Also spending on health care is bad!

Mummy: you’re like the Rosetta Stone of Stupidity

Dracula: I haf liiived for 800 yeeearrss and I must say I think that theeees eees not so good a situation

Mummy: Granted the extremists are dangerous - but what are we doing there? And is bombing people really going to win over the people? We went up against the Greek, Romans, and Napoleon and the pyramids are still around

Gregory: good point

McCain: oooooohhhhh!!!!! ow owww oooooowwwwwww!!!!

Gregory: great now Senator John McCain is a werewolf

Dracula: you have lovely skiiiin Dahveeeed Gregorrrry

Gregory: thanks very much Count

Dracula: pleeez call me Vlaaad

Gregory: Vlad what about Congressional race in upstate New York - the Republican nominee just dropped out!

Frankenstein: sure people hate Republicans

Gregory: no she quit in favor of a right wing crazy person

Dracula: this eees good news for Repuuuuublicans - Scozzafava vas not a real Repuuuublican - she doesn’t believe in teabagging, African birth certificates, or demonized Hallowen candy - there’s no room for that kind of thinking in today’s party Dahveed Greeegorrry

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Meet The PressOctober 25, 2009Guests: Sen. CornynSen. SchumerAaron SorkinErin BurnettJoe ScarboroghJane MayerTavis SmileyDan Senor********************Gregory: Sen. Cornyn there was a bombing in Iraq so does this prove that Obama is a bad President?

Cornyn: yes - Tommy Friedman said so

Schumer: Not true - our soldiers are heroes

Gregory: have we won in Iraq?

Schumer: we never should have invaded in the first place Fluffers

Gregory: Sen Schumer it may feel good to limit welfare to $500,000 but the reality is that it’s just punishment!

Schumer: that’s fucking stupid Dancin’ Dave

Gregory: But if Obama cuts their pay, they are going to quit and get another better jobs and that will hurt the companies and then they won’t be able to pay their welfare back!!!

Cornyn: holy shit even I can’t follow that logic

Gregory: an executive told me they will quit for other jobs where they ruin other companies for millions of dollars

Cornyn: Don’t worry Fluffy they will just get paid in gold wastebaskets

Gregory: But isn’t it wrong for the government to shame wonderful dignified poor little failed executives??

Schumer: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: Public option - yes or no?

Schumer: I propose creating a public health insurance company - but one as badly run as private insurers so there will be a level playing field

Gregory: What is President Snowe’s position?

Schumer: Liberals Dems can live with it, Wanker Dems don’t like it but may not fillibuster

Gregory: Sen. Cornyn can you live with a public option?

Cornyn: OMG I just remember that the debt is bad!!!

Gregory: the debt built up under Reagan, Bush, and Bush Jr.?

Cornyn: Public option is a Trojan Horse for Single-Payer!

Schumer: oh fuck these GOP fuckers - they didn’t pay for Iraq, Afghanistan, Bailout Boy’s spending and all the other shit they pulled

This Week With George Stephanopoulos October 4, 2009Guests:Alan GreenspanSen. Schumer (D-NY)Sen. Cornyn (R-Texas)**************Stephanopoulos: wow we’ve lost 7 million jobs - now let’s talk to the man who made it all happen

Greenspan: my deep learning tells me that this is awful

Stephanopoulos: wow

Greenspan: the reason that is bad is that the economy suffers

Stephanopoulos: people too

Greenspan: what makes people great are a great economy with many capital assets

Stephanopoulos: what’s the solution?

Greenspan: there’s a silver lining - businesses thought the economy would be so bad that they fired all their employees prematurely

Stephanopoulos: Premature capitulation

Greenspan: indeed

Stephanopoulos: what should Obama do?

Greenspan: fix the economy

Stephanopoulos: what else?

Greenspan: cut taxes

Stephanopoulos: what about another stimulus?

Greenspan: no because it’s already working and it has failed

Stephanopoulos: do you have a newsletter?

Greenspan: this is what a recovery looks like

Stephanopoulos: increasing unemployment?

Greenspan: right

Stephanopoulos: should we help suffering unemployed people?

Greenspan: yes but only to prevent people from storming Wall Street with pitchforks and torches

Stephanopoulos: okay

Stephanopoulos: should we reform health care?

Greenspan: no because we’re borrowing too much money

Stephanopoulos: oh well that’s too bad

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: talk economy to me Chuckles

Schumer: we’re going to extend unemployment benefits

Cornyn: damm right lots and lots of people in Texas are unemployed!

Stephanopoulos: do we need another stimulus?

Cornyn: unemployed Americans are really really scared that Washington is just going to throw money at the problem

Schumer: you could reform health care

Cornyn: we should send every American a COBRA

Schumer: good idea but it’s a very expensive program

Cornyn: no an actual cobra - snake handling is an accepted practice in Texas

Stephanopoulos: Senator Crapo had a crappy idea

Schumer: shocking

Cornyn: the whole point should be to lower costs - and keep Wellness Accounts like at Whole Foods

Cornyn: the government will take over Medicare, increase prices, kill the elderly, and promote cannibalism

Schumer: Orrin Hatch wants to exempt people with magic underwear - how is that a plan?

Cornyn: Jim Bunning found out that the bill misplaced $11 billion by exempting Bill Gates

Schumer: Oh yes the noted reasoned intellectual Jim Bunning

Stephanopoulos: so Chucky can you pass a bill or not?

Schumer: we’re going to pass a public option and we need it dammit

Cornyn: how many times do we have to say it - a public option would be too popular and so many people would enroll in it that they would lose their private insurance and be stuck with the public plan which they would hate