#WeekendCoffeeShare – ARGH – I need a friendly ear, or eyes, or whatever.

If we were having coffee……. zzzz, zzzz, zzzz. I think I need IV coffee.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that it was actual back to school week this week. This is why I am currently so exhausted. I have trouble with my activity levels. Walking to and from school everyday (Even though it isn’t that far) is enough to make me need to nap or I cannot function, and enough to cause me chronic pain in certain parts of my body. It’s CFS type stuff apparently, even though I think CFS is stupid because it just seems like a term for, “I don’t know why this happens but it does, so yeah”, although that’s basically like a lot of medicine.
“We give drug x to y patients”,
“Why? How does it work?”,
“Uhh, umm, no one knows exactly, it just works, so you need to take it”.
*Googles it when I get home*, “Wow, it’s true no one knows why it works! How did they even find out that it does work? So weird”.
So that’s been really not fun, considering I just had six awesome weeks with my little one because I didn’t have to walk to school everyday so could manage my energy levels effectively. When I had an eating disorder, people had fun telling me how, “It’s because you don’t eat enough, when you eat you’ll regain your energy levels!”. This is the only thing they were wrong about, and wouldn’t ever accept my, “I get it when I eat”, arguments. Well, I’ve definitely proved you wrong now. I eat like a horse, and I eat good food, and I’ve been a healthy weight for something like 2 years now and gained even more weight recently. Sorry bloggers, I’m just a little bit gutted about the fact I feel like utter crap.

Seren going to school meant it was the last time she was going to have a first day back at primary school. It’s hard to think about the whole High School thing next year. She’s growing up so much. I think I noticed it the most when we went for her eye exam this week. It was like I didn’t need to actually be there, she did fine without prompting so I took a step back, she went on ahead, signed herself in, talked to the doctors so beautifully. When she was younger, she wouldn’t move from my side, glued to me, and I had to talk a lot for her because she’d get so anxious that she had trouble communicating. Talking for your kid is great for coming off as a super neurotic mother when your kid is over 5. It’s great that she’s starting to become independent despite still suffering panic attacks, it makes me feel so proud because I know firsthand how difficult it is to do something that you find scary when you suffer with anxiety. I always reward her a lot when she has done something that is out of her comfort zone.

I think I’ve already started to freak out about her starting high school. Hopefully, it’s going to be one of those things that I worry about that turns out just fine and I didn’t need to worry about quite so much. I’m genuinely scared for her, and I think it’s just the fact that high school was mentally, one of the worst times in my life, and I felt so alone and it makes me want to cry thinking about my kid going through that. I wish I could grow up for her and well, if we’re being completely honest, I just hope she doesn’t struggle mentally like I did and still do. I have no control over that whatsoever, and I know, I could be worrying for nothing, she might and I really hope she does turn out just fine. This is something I’ve been scared about for the entire time she has existed and now she’s edging ever closer to the age I was when I started having some terrible symptoms.

I know that, best case scenario, it’s totally possible, that she is going to be absolutely fine and I might have been worrying about this for no good reason, other than the fact that maybe I might not be feeling well and this is why I can’t get this off my mind. I also know that, if she does struggle, I’m going to be there for her with insight. I know what it’s like, and I can help her get help as soon as possible, so even if she does struggle, it might not be as bad for her or for as long as I have suffered, and she’ll have me to support her no matter what. She is not me, she is her, she wont go through everything the same anyway, because it’s impossible. She doesn’t know any of the stuff I am worried about, she is already worried enough about growing up after hearing about what girls have to go through when they grow up. After that particular lesson in school, she used the word, “Horrifying”, to describe it and I keep telling her everything will be okay, and she often just believes me, except I don’t because I’m great at soothing my little one, horrible at soothing myself.

At the same time, this week, I’ve been reminded of how incredibly lucky I am to be in the position I am in, even though I’m in a lot of pain and stuff right now. Whatever I am going through, I am not a refugee, I didn’t have to risk my child’s life just to get out of a war zone where she might have died anyway, I have a roof over my head, and access to water and food. I don’t have a lot of money but we get what we need. If thinking about how lucky I am could cure me of my mental problems, this week, I would be completely cured. It has hurt me seeing what people are going through, and worse, has hurt me more seeing peoples stupid comments about it. How could you not sympathise with kids washing up dead on beaches? What kid deserves that?

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m not well, but, I don’t think that’s it. I think I’m just struggling to deal with actual feelings I have. I feel too much. I don’t ever feel sad, I feel totally wiped out upset, I don’t get angry, I get really freaking angry. I also feel good things that way (And there is a special post coming this week highlighting the good things I feel), and I’m not complaining about feeling too much love or too happy, but it’s really hard to get a handle on it. It’s hard to control it or keep it at levels that feel safe and don’t make me go off on one because of a Facebook post, or YouTube comment, because come on, logically and five minutes after I post something, I know there is zero point arguing logically with people who wouldn’t know what logic was if they were hit in the head by the entire printed out version of wikipedia. I also know that I’m probably coming off as an idiot because of how passionate I get over things like the news, or human rights, or feminism etc, etc, etc. I wish I could tell myself to seriously shut up sometimes. My feelings are so whacked that I’ve struggled to do anything effectively to control them.

My coffee share was a bit real wasn’t it? I guess that you can’t have all good weeks though. That’s just the reality of it all, I was going to just write about the good things but no, I can’t because I would feel fake. I also know when bloggers ask me how I feel, they wouldn’t be satisfied with, “I’m fine”, when they ask, they want to know, same with my Facebook friends who read this. There is a positive post coming this week though, I’ve been working on it for a while and finally had time to actually draw some pictures now that Seren is back in school. So you can look forward to that, because it’s basically me feeling “too much” love for stuff. 🙂
Hope you’re having a good weekend. Here’s to a better week.

Sorry it’s been a tough week. Keep moving forward. Good luck to your young lady in HS. She will have bad days, every teen does, but don’t worry too much. You guys will handle it one day at a time. She has a mom that loves her and that’s a lot and sometimes that makes all the differenc.