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} Dear Supplicant:}} A STOP sign is octagonal for the same reason that a byte has eight} bits. Von Neumann and Henry Ford were second cousins, and both came} from very large families. The number eight (as in eight to the 1/4th} power square (four sides) meals a day) had great significance to both} men. Both flirted with Buddhism, the Mystic Kabbalah, and politics.} Von Neumann was wise enough to restrict himself to computer architecure} and campus politics, but Ford went on to automation, automobiles, and} automatic writing.}} It is an obscure, but important detail that Ford's first design for the} Model A was dictated by the very same discorporate entity, Aiwass, who} gave Aleister Crowley "The Book of the Law". A definite step down, but} this was during the Depression, when work was hard to find.}} Hope this answers your question.}} You owe the Oracle eight emeralds, seven sapphires, six semi-precious} stones, five fig-newtons, four fudge bars, three trapese artists, two} contortionist courtesans and a partridge in a pear tree.

> O Oracle, as the minds of mortal men are as open books to you, perhaps> you might read me a chapter or two from mine:>> For the past several weeks I have had a recurring dream in which I am> perched atop a Xerox machine as big as a house. Before me runs a> crystal clear brook, and on the far side of the brook is a beautiful> girl, sitting in an overstuffed chair, wearing a straitjacket and a> pair of Mickey Mouse ears with MY NAME stitched on them! She calls to> me in a clear, sweet voice, but she thinks I am a bird and I will fly> to her. Twice I tried to climb down off the Xerox machine, but both> times the ground was covered with aluminum cans and I had nowhere to> step. I think I am in love with her. What does this dream mean?

} CHAPTER 1: TRIAL BY XEROX}} As you look around on your lofty perch, you spot a series of buttons:} one red, one blue, and one green.}} If you press the red, go to chapter 2:} If you press the blue, go to chapter 3:} If you press the green, go to chapter 4:} If you don't press anything, go blow yourself off in a corner.}} CHAPTER 2: TRIAL BY ALUMINIUM}} The Xerox behemoth spews a multitude of papers in your face, and you} tumble onto the aluminum cans. Several of them are cut in half, and} the shards stab into your back....but this is not the worst of it!} Into your wounds spill the remains of some New Diet Caffeine-Free} Cherry Cola-flavored Sprite, which fumes on your wounds and begins to} eat away at your skin. The beautiful girl laughs hysterically, having} seen the funniest thing in her life.}} CHAPTER 3: TRIAL BY FLIGHT}} The cover of the Xerox machine springs open, sending you into the air,} with the promise of smashing your face in when you land.}} Do you : Attempt to fulfill your wishes and fly to her; go to} chapter 5: Refuse to take part of a dream where the girl} isn't easy to get; go to chapter 6:}} CHAPTER 4: TRIAL BY WATER}} The green button teleports you 3 feet underneath the crystal clear} brook. Even though you realize this as soon as it happens, your meager} brain just doesn't know how to adjust to such a circumstance, so you} drown as the girl stares at you in anticipation.}} CHAPTER 5: TRIAL BY AIR}} As you spread out your "wings," you realize how idiotic you must look,} and plummet to your death.}} CHAPTER 6: TRIAL BY SEX}} Excited by your grasp on reality, the girl shreds the straightjacket} with her hands, dives to save you, and brings you back to her chair,} where she proceeds to rip your pants off with her fingernails and} begins to devour your engorged phallus in a way that would make a} nymphomaniac timid. As you writhe from the ecstasy of the dream, you} wake to the nudging of your disgusted parents, and you realize that its} time you got yourself a life.}} You owe the Oracle a cold shower.

> My friend likes to drink Kool-Aid hot because more Kool-Aid mix will> dissolve into the mixture per volume water; hence, he gets a higher> Kool-Aid content. Oracle, is this healthy? Is it socially incorrect?> Can he still call it Kool-Aid? Do you in your transinfinite wisdom> reccomend it?

} Please remain calm. As quickly and quietly as you possibly can, get as} far away from your Kool-Aid experimenting friend as you can get.} Disavow any knowledge of his actions. Swear you don't know him. You} may be subject to social prejudice, peer ridicule, security} investigations, or other heinous things if your association with this} person is ever discovered.}} Willfully increasing the concentration of Kool-Aid in water by} intentionally heating the water mixture is a growing problem in this} country today. And no, it is not socially acceptable, as the process} results in Uncool-Aid. This has been correlated with a high degree of} significance to the recent outbreak of Uncool-AIDS, an incurable} disease affecting an increasing number of Ivy League Preppies.} Uncool-AIDS gradually turns the skin permanently the color of the} ingested fluid, clogging the pores, suffocating the follicles, until} the skin simply peels away leaving an unsightly blob of colored gel.} Be forewarned that Uncool-AIDS can be spread by drinking from dirty} glasses, so be very careful of your hygenic practices around your} doomed friend. You should also hint that he should be tested for RIV} (Raspberry Infiltration Virus).}} If you are indeed interested in increasing the amount of flavor in your} Kool-Aid, the Oracle recommends you try adding alcohol to increase the} concentration of Kool-Aid. Better still, use unsweetened Kool-Aid,} straight dark rum, and a splash of Southern Comfort, also known as} Radical-Aid. Or forget the Kool-Aid altogether and make Jell-O with} vodka instead of water. Or better still, stick to real drinks, food,} and fun.}} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Robert Mondavi Cabernet Reserve.

} "'Bout twenty minutes," answered the dwarf with a lopsided grin. "Dat} goon musta hit ya pretty good, huh?"}} "Yeah, I guess." He sure musta. My head felt like ConEd had been} usin' it for jackhammer practice. I looked around the apartment.} "It's gone?"}} "Yeah." The dwarf shook his head sadly. "After all dat woik, we} make one mistake, and poof! All gone." I lit a cigarette, and took a} long drag, trying to bring my brain back into some sort of workin'} order. I hadn't seen the guy who'd hit me. I hadn't heard anyone. I} gave the dwarf a long, calculating stare. He started to fidget. "Uh,} doncha think we should go after 'im?" he stammered.}} "Yeah, I guess." The dwarf would have been more convincing if he} hadn't left the cosh on the table. I stood, and got my coat off the} chair. I always kept an extra gun in the pocket. It comes in handy} sometimes. I didn't find anything when I searched the dwarf's body, or} anywhere else. Whatever he'd done with the password lists, they weren't} in the room. Then I noticed the smell. A little ozone. Cheap} cologne.}} The Oracle. Of course. That damn' interferin' little twerp. He'd} got in my way too many times before, and I'd had enough. This time it} would be different. I knew just how to}} ... system message at 11:15 ...}} System going down immediately! Log off now!!}} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of "The Maltese Falcon."

> Hello, Dr. Ruth. I just wanted to say that I love your show and think> you're doing a great service to mankind. My girlfriend and I listen to> it every night before, well, you know. Anyway, Dr. Ruth, I had a> question. Where, precisely, _is_ that dratted G spot?

} The Oracle has forwarded your question to Dr. Ruth.}} The Oracle has received this reply from Dr. Ruth:} "Shit, man. I dunno. I dont' write the stuff, I just read it on} camera. They didn't think it was right for my 14-year-old daughter to} read it, so they gave it to me. Personally, I think it's all kinda} queer, all that talkin about sex 'n stuff. I just like to Do It,} talkin about it all the time makes me sick.} I suggest you talk to my daughter. She's Comming Out witha book next} week. It's called, "How to find that G spot in less than 6 seconds."} It's got big easy to read print.

} Finals are the mechanism that we higher life forms employ to keep inept} mortal-types (like you) from graduating from our institutions of} higher learning without discovering the uses of punctuation marks. (We} had tried firing squads, but it was pure hell on our enrollment.....)}} You owe the Oracle 10,000 hand-written repetions of:}} I will learn to use punctuation marks properly.}} By tomorrow morning.

} You didn't misplace your checkbook. It left on its own.}} In a highly secret project in the late 1970's, DoD funded intensive} investigation into the possible applications of artificial intelligence} to household economics. The primary installation was established in a} first floor lab at MIT. In one of those peculiar conincidences that} make life the fun place that it is, upstairs, in another high-security} lab, DoE biotechnologists were experimenting on induced mutation in} mollusks.}} You see where this is going?}} One frosty February night, a group of MIT's vaunted Hackers broke into} the upstairs lab, and knocked over a vial of pale green liquid} containing several mis-shapen lumps. The liquid quickly corroded a} hole in the floor, dropping the mutating bivalves into an open computer} on the floor below. The resulting explosion scared the hell out of the} Hackers, and wiped out most of the contents of both labs. Most of} them.}} The energy of the explosion catalyzed the mutations, which took some} rather bizarre turns as they encounted the hardware scattered about the} AI lab. In the morning, the scientists arriving to their former labs} were rather startled to discover that the floor was teeming with tiny,} animate checkbooks, scuttling about, reproducing, and accumulating} interest. The horrified staff quickly gathered up these by-products,} which were shipped off to central Alaska for careful study. A few} escaped, and hid themselves in nearby banks. From this base, they have} proliferated throughout North America (ref Federal Reserve Bank Report} #134-227.8/1990 "Unexplained Factors in the Savings and Loan} Collapse"). Experts estimate that as many as one in ten thousand} checkbooks in the United States is alive.}} This new species is higly intelligent, with advanced mathematical} talents, but few little social skills. They are easily upset. When} distressed, checkbooks will issue large drafts, randomly change their} balances, and in the worst cases, run away from home.}} In short: You have abused your checkbook, and it has left you for a} better home: My home, where it has a nice box to sleep in by the stove} and its own silver Cross pen. It is very happy, and it doesn't want to} come back to you. Do not try to recover it.}} You owe the Oracle a copy of your signature.

} Oh, you poor lonely boy. Here, st your tired head on the Oracle's} chest...a bit bumpy, but they're NICE bumps, aren't they now...the} Oracle will kiss you and make you feel all better...}} <hey, do I have to stay in drag like this acting matronly but sexy?>

> Oh oracle most wise and omnipotent (the girls have had a *lot* to say> about this "omnipotent" business, lemme tell you)> why is it that love does such strange and horrible things to people?>> it is such a common scenario for A to love B, but B really yearns for C> who is married to D who is cheating on C with E who is really not> interested because E is utterly enrapt with a totally preoccupied A.

} Romantic love is a snare. It coists largely of sexual lust. Now} sex is a great sport, but it should not be used as the basis of a} relationship or marriage -- it's not strong enough for that, being a} mere fragile reed (like Donna Reed only more so). Anyhow, D seems to} be at the core of this whole problem. Eliminate D, and B will marry C,} A will stomp off in disgust and eventually marry E. (Hey, waitaminnit} -- suppose A is male, B is female, C is male, D is female, and E is} male. So E and A cannot get married, but they can get a nice little} apartment on Castro in San Francisco and share a king-sized waterbed.)

} Whoa Dude! Like I don't beleive it, eh? Like not in a million} years! What a totally grooovey question!}} You're like on the waves, man. And you see this REALLY hot} babe lying on the beach, and you're like getting bodaceous good} vibrations, ok? So you like ride the surf back to the beach and you} walk up to her. You want her to get good vibrations too, right? So} you can't have bad breath, dude, that would be bogus. So to stop} yourself from having bad breath, you like brush your teeth all the} time, eh? Well when you brush your teeth, dude, you don't just like} get rid of bad breath, man. You like clean of all this stuff that was} on your teeth, see? Isn't that like soooo exxxxcelent? And like when} you have taken all that stuff of your teeth, what's underneath is like} white, eh. So that's like why most teeth are white, dude.}} What? You say "That's BO-GUS" do you? Like what did you want} to know, dude? Oh I get it. You like want to know why the stuff} that's underneath, the stuff that like underneath is white, right?} Well the reason is that you teeth are made of the same thing as you} bones, dude. And your bones are like white. And the bodaceous stuff} that they are like both made out of is called Calcium Hydroxide. Long} word, eh? Like that stuff is white, eh, so that's why your teeth are} like white. And that's also like why your bones are white. And ya} know why milk is white? Cause it's got Calcium in it too, dude. And if} you can remember (uugh) school, chalk is like white, because of} Calcium, too. Neat eh?}} Don't like ask me why like Calcium Hydroxide is white, man. Cause} like I didn't create the stuff. That was like God who did that. Let} me like get him on the phone, dude.} <Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep>} Oh, Bogus! Like His line's busy, eh? Like I dunno why Calcium} Hydroxide is white, dude. I would have made it like pink or something} cause that would be like a totally awesome color.}} You owe the Oracle a Surfboard and some Exxxxxelent waves, dude.