an honest forum for military spouses

My 2 year-old son and I are down at the waterfront in our town. He knows Daddy is away but he is trying to work out where he’s been these weeks. It’s occurred to me to bring him to the bay each weekend so that he can talk to him. I buy him a glazed donut from the local bakery and he throws pieces of it into the water to Daddy, like you’d feed a duck. I explain to him that every time we are near water, we are connected to Daddy.

The other day, my son points at the sailboats moored in the harbor.

“Boat!” he exclaims, smiling.

I say to him: “Yes, Daddy is in a boat.”

“Daddy? Inaboat?!” He points excitedly to the sailboats in front of us.

“No, sweetheart, Daddy is in a different boat, out in the ocean, under the water. He loves you very much and he thinks about you every day.”

My son is quiet for a moment. I explain, “Daddy is in a boat under the water. Where we can’t see him. He’s playing a big game of hide and seek."

He looks at me. He gets behind his stroller beside us and peeks out at me, his finger to his mouth. “Daddy,” he whispers, grinning. “Ssshhh.”

“Daddy,” I whisper back. “Ssshh.”

“Daddy!” he shouts. I imitate him.

“Daddy,” he whispers again, still hiding partway behind his stroller. I imitate his exact tone and volume. He has always liked playing games with his voice.

“Daddy, ssshhh….” he says.

On we go, until we both start to laugh.

The next week in school, he learns about whales and other local fauna, and he learns that whales swim under the ocean. Our story about Daddy turns into a story about how Daddy is playing hide and seek under the ocean, and the whales are playing too. I hear him telling himself this story sometimes as he falls asleep at night. Of course I don’t have to explain who Daddy might be hiding from or looking for – it’s all a beautiful fantasy, as it should be for a little boy who just misses his father.

The next week, the US bombs a Syrian airbase. North Korea holds a military parade to show off its new submarine-based ballistic missiles, and President Trump warns that the US will take military action to stop Pyongyang’s military escalation. I say to my son as we stare at the TV coverage of missiles being paraded through the streets, “The people who run our country don’t always agree with the people who run other countries. And they don’t always use their words. Sometimes they fight.” He looks at me, serious.

At some point, I will need to explain to him that Daddy would be part of prosecuting a war, and that we would be too, by extension. We will have to deal with that moral ambiguity. But not now.

I understand people who want their children to be proud of their parents’ service, and who tell them patriotic stories about sacrifice, honor and love of country. I myself don’t feel comfortable doing this, any more than I would feel comfortable with my family telling my children in vague, entirely positive, lofty terms about my job. In my heart, there is something exploitative about this – like these discourses of honor and service somehow function to recruit little future soldiers in addition to serving as the way that families cope with loss. In any case, it is only a half truth.

So, I am happy that my little boy has a more childlike story to tell about his Dad. Strangely, this story feels so much truer than the patriotic ones. Most important, it makes us laugh, and in so doing, it helps us to get through the long days.

We recently learned that it costs US taxpayers more than $145,000 per day in security expenses to house Melania Trump separately from President Trump, in New York’s Trump Tower.

When my family and I made our last navy move across coasts, an infant in tow, quality childcare was not available at our new post until three months after our move, making it extremely difficult for me to keep my job. Yet I didn’t have the option of living separately from my husband in order to ensure I could work and our son continued to receive good care. The government would pay neither for me to stay in our old home, where we had a support network and a good childcare center for our baby, nor for a nanny in our new location. The child care center on base had a waitlist of 11 months. Paying our rent for a few more months so that I could live separately from my husband would’ve cost the government about $7,500 in total.

As my baby and I waited for a week in our old home for our new home to be ready, sweltering amidst stacks of boxes that the government-contracted movers had yet to pick up, the government would not reimburse us for a hotel room. Doing so would’ve allowed us to have access to a usable kitchen, furniture, and a well ventilated space. This would’ve cost us about $3,000 in total.

Taxpayers must pay tens of thousands for one day of Melania and Trump living in luxury in the Trump tower, but they do not pay to allow for a decent standard of living for the families who directly serve our country.

To be sure, if we paid for every military service member’s family to weather these changes in basic comfort, the expenses would add up to more than $145,000 per day. But the expenses accrued in maintaining the unnecessary first family residence in New York, combined with the extensive travels of the Trump family, many of them unrelated to governing, would certainly cover at least a large chunk of military childcare and housing expenses that we take on as a matter of simply following orders.

Anyone who voted for Trump on the basis that he would “put America first” should contend with the fact that we have a giant double standard for the way he and his family live, and the lifestyles of people who must put America first every second of every day.

About

This is a blog about my experiences as the wife of a naval officer.

However, I would prefer if it were no longer about my experiences ONLY.

I want this to be an open forum for partners and spouses of military service members from all branches and ranks - including officer and enlisted - to speak openly about their experiences as family members of those serving in the armed forces.

You need not share my perspectives and views. The only requirement is that you are honest and have something original to say.

Please submit your story to rockingtheboat2013@gmail.com, and I will be in touch.