Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Things to Worry About. Because You Seem A Little Too Calm.

I'm a giant ball of congestion and exhaustion and burning coughing, so I'm re-posting a sort of book review, because I love books. Also, because I might be delirious.

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So I finally finished re-reading Stephen King's It (because, oh, yeah, it's OVER 1,000 frickety fricking pages long. Dude. Seriously. An editor is not the enemy.) and I realized:

It's far easier to read 1,000 + pages of a horror novel than, say, 40+ pages of, oh, federal courts. And they take the same amount of time. Just saying.

The problem with reading Stephen King is that the most innocuous things take on evil overtones.

For example: That dark hallway you walk down to get to your bedroom? Don't look behind you because the monster is there.

It's o.k. to leave the light on in the hall. Monsters are afraid of light. Usually.

Also, the shadows in the garage when you go to get in your car? They could be monsters.

Ditto that weird noise from the basement. DO NOT GO DOWN AND CHECK. What's WRONG with you? Have you never seen a horror movie or read a book? Let someone else go. Maybe call that neighbor you don't really like over, and ask him/her to check. You'll be doing everyone a favor - odds are, their family doesn't like them, either.

And, if, say, you are kind of warm (thank you, perimenopause) and you feel the need for cool air while you sleep, it is imperative that you turn the ceiling fan on instead of cracking open a window. Because, duh, open windows are how the monsters get in. Especially mist. Or murderers. Or vampires.

You can sleep with your bedside lamp on. It's o.k. I mean, you just fell asleep reading, right?

But when you get up to go to the bathroom and then come back in and think, "I'm a big girl, I don't need a nightlight," and turn it off? Get right into bed, because the monsters can be UNDER the bed, too, you know. Or they'll take this as an opportunity to pop out of the closet. You don't know - how long has it been since you've cleaned that thing out? Generations of monsters could be living there.

Also, the plant that touches you when you get your mail out of the mailbox may be poisonous and may ensnare you with its tentacles. Or it may just be a plant - but I wouldn't bet on it. Wear long sleeves and gardening gloves when you get the mail, just in case.

Clowns can jump out at you from behind your shower curtain. It's best to check with, say, a Swiffer mop in your hand. Or a knife. Probably a knife. But don't do it when you're on the toilet, because at that point, you're going to die, and that is NOT how you want to go out. Instead of talking about what a great person you were, your funeral is going to be filled with people laughing about how you died on the shitter.

The person you are talking to while waiting to pick your kid up from practice is not going to try and eat your face. Maybe. You should probably stand next to someone who looks more appetizing.

Oh I hate monsters...and Stephen King, I mean I don't hate hate MR King , but I hate his scary ass books. I hate Halloween and horror movies and dark basements. I am very scared of things that go bump in the night and CLOWNS, I do.not.like.clowns.

that said, this was a good guide to making sure I don't come in contact with any monsters, making a copy now. ;)