Monday, April 04, 2005

The Gomery Code

If you want the secret leaked details of Jean Brault's damning testimony, then you've come to the right place. The publication ban is broken, the truth is out there and it must be told. We have cracked The Gomery Code and now present it for you, dearest reader.

The Americans had unfortunately reacted too quickly to faulty wiretap information obtained via ECHELON while investigating the alleged mob ties of former Liberal minister Alfonso Gagliano. The mafia has long been suspected of fixing the outcomes of sporting events, including some funded by the federal sponsorship program. Brault played back a noisy, static-laden tape for the inquiry where the name "Maher Arar" is clearly mistaken for the phrase "hurry hard".

It is at this point where Brault's story takes a turn for the surreal. Fearing the disclosure of our classified curling and hockey strategies, the government dispatches secret agent Svend Robinson to assassinate a high-ranking Syrian official on a state visit to Norway. Robinson, who has since been relieved of his political duties, is both a highly trained ninja and a kleptomaniac.

Canadian intelligence officers decided that the best place to hide the priceless piece of artwork was next to a Canadian Idol poster in Ben Mulroney's living room. In an amazing stroke of luck, the painting was damaged during a party when a fistfight broke out after Ben grabbed George Stroumboulopoulos' ass.

The painting was sent to a Liberal-friendly art restoration company in Quebec where a frightening secret was uncovered embedded inside Munch's brushstrokes. Brault then detailed several other covert operations conducted by the Canadian government to steal and examine additional works by Munch.

At this moment Brault unloaded his bombshell on the Gomery inquiry. The Canadian government, acting on the credible intelligence extracted from Svend Robinson's missions, issued a priority 7 alert to their most fearsome secret agent: Neil Young. An elaborate scheme involving surgery to repair an alleged brain aneurysm was concocted to get Young out of his Juno performance contract. The Neil Young splinter cell went into tactical assassination mode. Their target: The pope. That's right: Neil Young smoked the pope! (A direct assault on the Vatican was dismissed because of the ease in which the popemobile could dispatch Canadian tanks.)

Michael you don't know the half of it. The ring incident was a smoke screen meant to facilitate Svend's extraction from the public eye so he could focus on more covert operations. To wit, we haven't heard from him since.