darkness wins

i have so little will to live left inside of me, it's comforting and scary at the same time. Will tonight finally bring some peace to this madness? Will I be able to do what I have stopped myself half way through doing the past two weeks? will i chicken out again and hate myself more for it in the morning? will i try to convince myself of some bullshit story about hope? Or, will I commit to my longing for death and finally give myself the gift of the end of this suffering? These questions, these questions make me angry, angry enough to finally just do it, without care and and without guilt but not without some remorse for those who will be sad and hurt that I couldn't tell them. Telling people doesn't change things though, Ive been telling people for months now. It's over for me. Thank you dr. <mod edit - potentially identifying>, i am sorry for hurting you.