Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Love Song (Slice 6)

Preface: I realize that some readers won't follow this post, in the sense that I'll sound like a raving lunatic. Sorry, and I wish I could offer some words of comfort, but the facts are these: despite the fact that I still live a pretty unconvincing life, God has made me something I couldn't have been on my own. He's healed and restored me from the pain and disappointment and brokenness of my past through the life, sacrificial death, and resurrection of Jesus. If I know you personally and you don't know this about me, all I can do is apologize for my hypocrisy, and ask you not to judge Him based on me.

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I'm a romantic, and I love me a good love song. And most of the time, I'm in enough of a romantic-y, day-dreamy mood that I can picture getting sung to by my future husband. But tonight, I guess it just isn't one of those nights. And while a love song is stuck in my head, for the moment I can only hear it as it would be sung by Jesus.

"Oh, my dear, I'll wait for you.
grace tonight will pull us through:
until the tears have left your eyes,
until the fears can sleep at night,
until the demons that you're scared of
disappear inside;
until the guilt begins to crack
and the weight falls from your back,
oh, my dear, I'll keep you in My arms tonight."

The songwriter explains how it came to him, after a conversation with a then-girlfriend, and how it made him think of James 5:16, about the need to confess ourselves to each other, and I think this is true, and a totally valid basis for a song. But I think, like most love songs, this one works on another level, too. I think we can get so stuck in our own heads, so convinced that we need to keep up a facade, and God's sitting here, waiting, gently asking how long are we going to keep trying to fake it till we make it.

It's been one of those days where I've been frustrated, so I've resorted to complaining and whining for a good deal of the day. And I hate that, because at the time it feels like I've vented and I feel better, but at the end of the day all I feel like is a whiny little pansy jerk. And sometimes I need to hear that God doesn't hold that against me, that He remembers I'm only dust, that screwing up is allowed, and that His mercies are new every morning.