July 14, 2014

10 fun celebrity moments in the life of me:

1. Han S. [i’m 18, fresh out of high school and fresh into Manhattan. it’s already cold and a bit blustery for fall. i’m rushed and stressed ~ as usual ~ so i’m dashing down the sidewalk, 2 large textbooks in hand, looking down to prevent major eye tearing and just as i make a sharp turn onto Mercer i slam into a body. this body is large and male and bending down to help scrape me and my schoolbooks off the NYC pavement. it’s Harrison Ford. he smiles and apologizes and looks at me quizzically. he is quite the gentleman. i run.]

2. The Green L. [i’m on another blind date ~ see my previous post if you’d like to know more ~ at a fantastic restaurant that’s one of my favorites in Los Angeles. we have had a drink and some oysters and are finally settling into the Q&A interview session that most blind dates become when the hottest male i’ve ever seen in person sits next to me. it’s Ryan Reynolds. i didn’t even think Ryan Reynolds was attractive before this moment. i was mistaken. this restaurant is small. the tables are touching. this beautiful creature’s arm is touching my arm. i have absolutely no recollection of the rest of my date. poor, poor guy.]

3. Marilyn. [so this guy i once knew once told me and a friend i still know that he was once dating a girl in a show that was once filmed in my hometown and that we should both come down to his bar and hang out with him and this girl. this is in the mid-90s by the way. we went because the girl was Michelle Williams and we were curious. she acted like we were stalkers there to abduct and kill her, she looked so thin we were afraid she’d fall off the barstool, and she was generally…not so nice. huh. years later, Blue Valentine allowed me to forgive her completely.]

4. Johnny C. [i’m sitting in a dark italian restaurant in my then neighborhood of Los Feliz when a crowd of young and boisterous men loudly make their way to the table next to me. they are laughing and attracting a lot of attention. all but one of them. it’s Joaquin Phoenix. this is way before the “year i grew a really long beard and faked going crazy with Casey Affleck.” this is way before Her or The Master – both of which solidified any and all love i have for this man’s talent. yet, i was fascinated by the quiet one with the sunglasses who emanated some sort of alien essence that made you want to walk right up to him and touch. what a weird thing that “x” factor is.]

5. Matlock. [i was a teenager and i was ecstatic to book a scene in a Movie of the Week that was not only a few pages but with the lead actor of the film, Andy Griffith. ecstatic. over the moon. nervous. elated. after 9 hours on set with this drunk old man yelling at me that i didn’t know my lines and line producers and PA’s and a bunch of other amazing grips and such constantly trying to make me understand that he was just wasted and didn’t know his lines and everything was going to be okay and it wasn’t my fault…well, let’s just say i wasn’t surprised that shit hit the cutting room floor like a sack of old potatoes.]

6. M. [there’s nothing like the misery of waitressing in NYC. especially at a 4 star celebrity owned restaurant. but we are not here to talk about the owner ~ i think that would push this post to the dark side. today, we are here to honor the time i served Dame Judi Dench. this is a simple one really. full of grace and style, she may be the most pleasurable customer i ever had. she made my day in a sea of horrible waitressing days. oh yeah, and the tip was great.]

7. Joey. [actual physical smash-into-one-another moment #2. i’m walking casually through a flower market in the cobblestone historic downtown area of my hometown when i turn a corner ~ again with the corners ~ and run smack into Katie Holmes. we mumble apologies, smile at each other, and move on with our respective lives. not without time for me to notice however, that a) this woman is extremely tall and i am extremely short and b) when we smiled at one another our facial expressions were like looking in a mirror. for a split second katie and i both were like…whaaaaa? i do not think i look like Katie Holmes so i don’t know. it was weird and i’m sharing.]

8. Lumbergh. [there’s this fundraiser i attend every year. i always go and i always have a great time, but there was this one year where a friend of mine said there was someone i should meet. next thing i know i’m chatting with Gary Cole for an hour about movie making, raising kids, golf, retirement, and god knows what else. this guy is awesome and YES it was hard to keep myself present in this conversation when all i was thinking was “mmm yeah, that’d be great… it would really, really help us out. mmm yeah.]

9. Rachel. [there’s this place in West Hollywood where you can get a kick-ass margarita, have some hilarious conversations with incredibly cute gay boys, and you used to be able to smoke. this attracted many types of people including myself and my friends in our 20s. and apparently Jennifer Anniston. every Monday like clockwork we sat next to this woman who didn’t wear a lot of makeup, typically had comfy cargos on, and was just an all around genuine sweet person. we drank, we smoked, we laughed, and we so wished she’d step 5 feet closer and join us. oh those Mondays.]

10. The Rage. [i’m 19 and working my second real job ever at the front desk of a small but over-priced gym in SoHo. my best friend has just started working there as well and is also sitting in this front area. my favorite gym member walks in and we greet each other warmly. as always, he asks me how i’m liking the book he lent me and i ask him something similar. he’s smart and cute and quiet and a reader and he’s always really, really nice to me. we’re sort of friends. he walks away to go and get his workout on and my best friend then spends the next hour explaining to me that i’m a total idiot because i don’t even know i’m talking to Zack de la Rocha. i had no idea who he was. no wonder he enjoyed talking to me so much.]

July 9, 2014

[Note: a few people have recently asked me why i stopped online dating about a year ago. there are several reasons – and many amazing blogs about how horrific online dating can be – so i doubt i need to go into detail. let’s just make a list, shall we?]

10 terrible dates over 4 years:

1. “the one who was cheap.” [this actually seemed a normal enough date for a while – very boring but normal – until i finally gave up, quickly paid our tab and said i needed to get home. 5 minutes later, after the most consistent persuading i’ve ever been privy to, he convinces me to please please please please please please stay and have one more drink with him. 25 minutes, 3 more boring topics of conversation and 2 empty glasses later he stared at that check like it was Satan himself. i paid again. thanks guy – so glad i didn’t go home and watch Girls.]

2. “the one who liked to bargain.” [a round of mini golf and the following scenario: he stops, mini golf club in hand, hanging in mid air as if he has some wondrous thought. i say, “what?” he says, “i just don’t think i can continue playing. i can’t play any longer until…well if you gave me a kiss, i could muster the courage.” this was the beginning of a late night of me trying desperately to get him to finish the god damn mini golf and stop bargaining for kisses. because, i suppose i should add, these were the WORST kisses i’ve ever experienced in my life. they weren’t even kisses. it’s a total injustice to use the word kiss. triple bleh.]

3. “the one who thought he was smart.” [i actually introduced this one to my friends. this guy was always wanting to prove his intelligence but weirdly had no sense of humor. zero. he literally could not understand a knock knock joke. my friends constantly looked at him – and me – with the oddest of expressions.]

4. “the one who was gay.” [we only had one quiet lovely dinner, but sometimes you just know right away. i didn’t like him because he reminded me of my best friend in NY who’s a girl. he didn’t like me because of some missing equipment. we parted gracefully.]

5. “the one who was silent.” [this extremely attractive fellow didn’t say anything all night. we ate a meal, we went to a concert, we met up with some of his friends. honestly, not a word. well maybe 25 words but that was only after i asked questions that had to be answered. sometimes i’d ask a question and he would just ignore it. best exercise in patience ever.]

6. “the one who was an acting coach.” [he’s an acting coach who travels the world and does seminars and such. but this guy with a comb-over at 31 really wanted to make it CLEAR that he didn’t like to mix business with pleasure or talk about his career. we talked about him being an acting coach for 3 hours. by the end of the night i lied and told him my profile was old and hadn’t been updated and i had quit acting years ago. and scene.]

7. “the one that was sad.” [after a brief hello and some drink ordering this pour soul explains to me that his mom just died, and he’s desperately trying to figure out how to get out of his horrible job. a night at Laurel Hardware spent talking about his work and how stressful it is while he’s continually checking his phone and talking more and more about his dead mom. i gave him an extra big hug goodnight.]

8. “the one who was sweaty.” [it’s 50 something degrees in Silverlake and this one is sweating through his shirt at the bar. i’m pretty sure the shirt was supposed to be a light blue button-up but it was really….wet. so it’s hard to know for sure. he went to the bathroom for 10 minutes to “fix it” after admitting “he was a little hot.” he then proceeded to sweat until there was really nothing else left to talk about, so we talked about him sweating while i drank a beer like it was one enormous shot, threw my sweater back on, and called it a night.]

9. “the one who hated women.” [yes, i’d like to spend an entire dinner talking about your ex-wife and how she’s nuts and wants to rob you of all of your money that you inherited when your dad died when you were 7 and how all women are crazy and horrible and monsters and how it’s better just to be alone and how stupid marriage is and how all women are really just after a guy’s money. YES PLEASE.]

10. “the one who hated to lose.” [not sure if i missed the memo about some competition taking place, but i spent this evening very confused about my date’s responses and conversational tactics in general. i could say anything. anything at all, like “yes, i think that movie is really awesome and i especially loved the part when that kid died.” his response would be ” you win!” over and over. i am not sure what i won that night but clearly i came out ahead.]

**if you want to read about more terrible online dating stories, click on this link. you’ll fall in love with her. What’s In The Box?