The U.N. has called an emergency meeting after Iran successfully launched a paper aeroplane into the atmosphere. Flying more than one and a half metres, the plane was said to be for ‘defensive and scientific purposes’ by President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The plane was said to be constructed from thick, A4-sized card, sturdy enough to handle a small gust of wind.

There are fears that it could one day be used for carrying nuclear artillery, although U.S. scaremongering is so far, rather uninformative. Barack Obama called for calm in these troublesome times, not wishing to ruffle Iran’s feathers by referencing terrorism, and instead chose to release a comment stating that they’ll ‘fry those foreign bastards should they make anything more advanced than a paper-clip’.

David Cameron has so far said, in the words of his trusty sidekick Nick Clegg, ‘precisely fuck all’, which, while not out of the ordinary in times of need, has raised fears that the prime minister is actually cowering in a bunker somewhere deep under Eton along with his other high-ranking Tory ministers. Naturally, Clegg and his fellow Lib Dem ministers have been left to bask in temperatures of a balmy 999,727 degrees Celsius should a nuclear bomb be dropped from the plane in question on our fair land. When asked about the difference in treatment, Nick Clegg responded ‘We’re definitely best of friends, me and Cameron. He loves me, he does. We’re progressive like that. Did you know I might be allowed a vote on electoral reform?’.