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PARIS–in what has billed as a “new era of transparency,” FIFA, the international soccer federation, today released a summary of an exhaustive report into possible wrongdoing into the bidding process to host the 2018 and 2022 World Cups.

“After a long period of painful self-examination, we now have to face the report’s central conclusion: that FIFA is completely blameless in all respects,” said Sepp Blatter, FIFA’s secretary-general. “Also, the report concludes that I am very, very good-looking.”

The team that wrote the 500-page report, which has not been released, disputed FIFA’s summary, noting the extensive evidence of corruption, vote-swapping, and outright fraud.

Blatter dismissed these concerns. “I think you guys are remembering incorrectly what you wrote,” he said.

FIFA also noted that the report fully exonerated Alger Hiss, O.J. Simpson, and Robert Blake. Blatter vowed that he, too, would not rest until he found the “real killers.”