If You Try To Take My Sabra Hummus, I Will Fight You

I am a Jewish person that tries to have a pragmatic view of the entire Israel/Palestine situation. I can understand the reason that people think abstaining from buying Israeli products is the way to get their message across, but I also think it’s absurd to boycott something–like art, or an institution–just because it is from or in Israel. I’ll also admit to bias, because I really like most of the products people are protesting, and I think it would be better to protest the corporations with ties to weapons manufacturers. Because when I hear an innocent Israeli civilian or little Palestinian kid is hurt or killed, I get sad — and when I buy a J Crew shirt (a company who has ties to an Israeli textile company) I get happy. There is really no better way to put it: I don’t like violence, and I’d respectfully ask that you protest companies that are more deserving.

There is one exception to all of this is, and that is my hummus.

Here’s the thing, if you ever try to take away my delicious Sabra Hummus, I will beat the daylights out of you. I will pull a Bob Probert on your ass (see hockey fights). I will rain thunder down on your head if you ever try and get my local store to stop carrying my favorite flavor (Supremely Spicy), and by God, if your little protests make it so I can’t go home after work, sit on my couch, and eat my hummus, I will find you. I will come to your house, and I will go all Walter Sobchak. Have you ever seen the film adaption of Stephen King’s It? I will be 1000 times worse.

I promise you that we haven’t received one red cent from the (minority) Israeli owners of the Strauss Group, or the American majority owners, PepsiCo, to post this message. But in light of yesterday’s absurd protests, I just figured I’d share.

Seriously, look at these cultish-looking Sabra spokespeople. They’re all dressed in their favorite white shirts, and they’re happy. They don’t want anybody to die, they just want you to enjoy the most delicious hummus available in American grocery stores.

Now go on, make another flashmob video, or sing Hatikva; I don’t care what you do as long as you leave Sabra out of this whole thing.