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Songs are written and sung for broken hearts, it is seldom about the more quotidian aspects of love.

I have always longed for the “ever” part of love. Without fully articulating it, to myself or to others, love for me has always meant a full commitment. Sure, I had relationships and had my heart broken. But looking back, I was more in the hurting part than the committing part.

I’m not saying that I reveled in the pain, rather that the pain, the despair, the hope for something more from the other person just seemed more significant in its depth. That’s where the romance lies, or so I thought.

I am not alone in feeling this way. Aren’t we all masochistic in some way? Not really, just like any adrenaline junkie, we just like the “romance” of it.

After all, how do you sing songs and write poems for waking up next to the same person every day. You can sing about how great it could be to appeal to those hoping for something more, but it’s hard to sing about doing it everyday for 50 years.

Marriage then does not fit this description of romance. It is a commitment. A commitment that requires everything that a person has including the part that suspends the need for some excitement.

In the past few days, I’ve grappled with the idea that there’s too much “us” and not enough “me.” I’ve cried and D. was understanding enough to cry with me and hold me. Through it all, one thing holds true: I love this man and he loves me. We complement each other and I really can’t think of any man I’ve met who could suit me better.

So, even as I continue to chafe against the constraints that marriage inevitably brings, I hold this love song in my heart and let it resonate within me. Because sometimes you do find someone like whoever it is that you’ve been longing for and then a different kind of love song begins.

This is the man I love. He lets me soar but he can also break my wings. He loves me with an intensity that can sometimes scare both of us. And I love him with a ferocity that I never thought I would be capable of.

We love. We fight. We laugh. We cry. Sometimes in a matter of hours.

Love is never simple. It requires that you make yourself vulnerable. It requires, maybe even demands, that you open yourself to any and all possibilities. It pushes you to fight, give in or hold your ground.

I used to write about heartbreak and about distance between lovers being an exquisite pain. But, I managed to explain somehow. Love and all that it brings makes me pause and think. And think again because how do you explain it really? How do you describe the ups and downs that is requisite in a committed, read: marriage, love match where your thoughts and actions encompass the past and the future, on top of the now?

While I struggle with words, here we are – loving, fighting, hugging, laughing, crying and everything in between.

I have nothing to say, had nothing to say for the past few days now. I had so much inside me, I thought I would not be able to contain it, but contain I did.

Some things can be too painful to say out loud. Or some things pass us by, exquisite in the emotions they invoke that we feel we will be transformed and will retain the memory for the rest of our lives – then, nothing. What we felt at that moment was actually more ephemeral than we thought.

But such is life, with its details, its drudgery, its highs and lows. Such are emotions, deeply felt, then they’re gone. Such are hurts and blows, acute in their pain that we just want to bury them and never speak of them again. Never is a long time though, so we find once again, sometime in the future or sometime today, reliving them and crying as if they were happening in the now.

I am blabbing but I think it’s safe to assume that you know what I mean. Joy, triumph, followed by fights and anger, a reconciliation, tears and laughter. The complexities of these emotions and of love – there are times when all I can do is skirt around them, explaining the edges instead of the essence.

I’ve explained the edges, now I have nothing to say until that future happens when I can remember once again.