The bible and religion....Jesus is my Homeboy.

Uploaded 05/20/2008

Alright, so i've decided that every blog I write will have some sort of large public topic as the, well, topic. Today kids, it's time for religion. Now before all you bible bangers crawl directly up my ass and start barking, and before you atheists get out your air horns in support, understand this; religion is a personal choice. Much like the use of a condom, some people feel it is a necessity, some people feel it's pointless, and many more people feel it's application must be situational. Side note, I never use condoms, but when it comes to religion I have mixed views. Let's go one by one.

Firstly, all of you bibile banging (mostly redneck) aggressive Jesus advocates need to take a minute and think about it (think-think about it). Now first let me define "redneck agressive bible advocate". These are the people who take every story in the bible in its most literal sense. They don't believe that the stories in the bible are metaphoric, they beleive it actually happened verbatim as written. For example, they believe Noah actually went to bed one night with 3 pieces of wood nailed together outside his house, and woke up to a massive Titanic cruise liner arc on his front lawn via God. Is there really any way that everything written in the bible could have actually happened? I mean, even if the Noah thing did go down that way, would he really have been able to sleep through someone building a fucking ship outside his window? Even God, almighty God who is omnipresent and infallible, probably would have needed to at least use a hammer at some point in the construction of the aforementioned Titanic arc. It just seems to me, and no offense to the big G, that some of these stories are a bit far fetched. Now of course, the beauty of the whole God theory is the fact that any argument that can be presented against the plausability of the stories can be answered by the simple statement "dude, it's fucking God, he can do whatever he wants." Frankly, I think thats the biggest cop out since "if the glove don't fit, you must aquit", but hey, OJ did get away with it, so maybe it's me.

One more section of religion that comes under scrutiny is Jesus's race. So Jesus was a white guy huh? Let me ask you something, if you're born in the middle east, and both of your parents are native to the area, don't you think you might come out with a little bit of a brown tint? Usually, this sort of thing I find inconsequential even discussing because it doesn't really make much difference what color Jesus's skin was, but I mean, come on, white Jesus would have been the Michael Jackson of the ancient world (sans the little boys...hopefully). Realistically, scientifically, sexually, and all the other -ally's, Jesus Christ of Nazareth must have been of middle eastern descent, and looked accordingly. After Jesus, the second name they were gonna go with was probably singh (or Aladdin). The Jesus we worship today looks like he would have grown up on Long Island and had a part time job at his dad's law firm (God Almighty P.C.: Attorneys at Everything). I'm just saying, factually, the whole Vanilla Jesus theory doesn't really seem to flow with the story line.

Now before all you heathens start sacrificing your chickens or whatever you people do, you might wanna stop, collaborate and listen, cause Mega's back with a brand new invention. I think the fact that you all seem to overlook is that religion in its pure form isn't about the method, its about the message. If someone is having a bad day and can read about Jonah Judas and Moe, and feel better about themselves and improve their quality of life, who are you to tell them that's wrong? The stories in the bible are a lot like the stories you read to your kids when they're young, they have a message, a hero, and always have a good guy and a bad guy. In fact, they're actually a lot like the Batman movies, especially the one where the theme song was "kiss by a rose" by Seal, that was the most sensitive Batman. Seriously though, life is tough sometimes, and if religion and God and Jesus and the gang can make it easier, more power to them and those. I can't say that i've never prayed, and I don't even consider myself a religious person, but it's human nature to want to believe that you're part of something bigger than yourself. It's acceptance on the most grandoise scale, and at heart, thats all anybody really wants, to belong (cue Cold Play music).

So, some of us believe and some of us kill animals and bathe in their blood. It's a life choice, and its something only you can choose (or force your kids to choose). Either way, I think what we can all agree on is that I'm fantastic, and all of you bible bangers feel free to take out your pent up rage because God hasn't personally spoken to you on me, and you atheists, if you need someone to worship, I'm free after five Monday through Friday. I don't work weekends though, and even God rested on the seventh day.