Is it OK to lie to your children?

You probably lie to your child about the tooth fairy. You might lie when you tell her she won’t grow if she doesn’t drink her milk. And maybe you lied to your child when her uncle passed away by saying he turned into one of the stars in the sky overhead. Turns out parents lie quite a bit to their kids–even though they also tell their children that ‘honesty is the best policy.’ Parents do it to influence their children’s behavior and emotional state. In a new study, researchers call this practice “parenting by lying” and they report that it’s quite common.

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Is it acceptable to tell your child she won’t grow if she doesn’t drink her milk?

“We are surprised by how often parenting by lying takes place,” study researcher Kang Lee of the University of Toronto, Canada, told Yahoo News. “Our findings showed that even the parents who most strongly promoted the importance of honesty with their children engaged in parenting by lying.”

The researchers ran two studies, which are outlined in the September issue of the Journal of Moral Education. In one, many parents reported they told their young children that bad things would happen if they didn’t go to bed or eat what they were supposed to. For example, one mother said she told her child that if he didn’t finish all of his food he would get pimples all over his face. Other parents reported inventing magical creatures. One explained, “We told our daughter that if she wrapped up all her pacifiers like gifts, the ‘paci-fairy’ would come and give them to children who needed them … I thought it was healthier to get rid of the pacifiers, and it was a way for her to feel proud and special.”

In the other study, the researchers surveyed college students’ recollections about their parents’ lying and obtained similar results: parents often lie to their children even as they tell them that lying is unacceptable.

The research also examined “parenting by lying” among Asian-American and European-American parents. Asian-American parents were more likely to report lying to their children for the purpose of influencing their behavior. According to the researchers, one possible explanation for this finding is that as compared to European-American parents, Asian-American parents tend to place a greater emphasis on the importance of teaching children to be respectful and obedient, and they use a range of parenting strategies to meet these ends.

Did the study conclude whether lying is OK?

While researchers said that they need to further explore the issue in order to fully understand the implications of parents lying to their children, they did conclude that “tall tales could give kids mixed messages at a time when they are trying to figure out how to navigate the social world” and they could “harm parent-child bonds,” according to Yahoo News.

The scientists also concluded that at times it makes sense to be less than truthful. Study researcher Gail Heyman, a professor of psychology at UC San Diego, said “telling a 2-year-old you don’t like their drawing is just cruel.” But she urges parents to think through the issues and consider alternatives before resorting to the expedient lie.

“Children sometimes behave in ways that are disruptive or are likely to harm their long-term interests,” said Heyman. “It is common for parents to try out a range of strategies, including lying, to gain compliance. When parents are juggling the demands of getting through the day, concerns about possible long-term negative consequences to children’s beliefs about honesty are not necessarily at the forefront.”