He is a “feminist ally” (keep that in mind for later) who writes for Jezebel, and his current contribution to that cesspool makes cesspools seem like delicately scented bubble baths.

Trigger warning: if you thought some of my previous shit was crass and sordid, today is gonna blow your mind.

Can we just stop for a moment to talk about “trigger warnings”? Those things piss me off because they are just so damn hypocritical and outright insulting to women. You wanna talk misogyny? Let’s talk trigger warnings.

I tend to think of women as rational, intelligent, sane creatures who are capable of facing challenges and adversity and demonstrating some resilience and strength and basically just being adults who can get through life without everything being sunshine and rainbows all the damn time. I don’t think women are overly emotional, fragile, delicate flowers who must be protected, at all costs, from every little hardship that comes along.

But that is just what trigger warnings claim: women are so emotionally fragile and so ruled by their emotions that even confronting the horror of words on a page will cause them to collapse into sobbing piles of uselessness and despair.

And these are the same people who want women in positions of decision-making and authority? If you need a trigger warning to protect yourself from becoming the emotional cripple you so clearly ARE, how in the hell are you going to be an effective leader of others? Leadership requires confidence and endurance and stamina and strength and the ability to persevere through setbacks and opposition and outright hostility, and you can’t even read the words “eating disorder” without Prozac and a warning?

Jesus, ladies, pick one! You’re either capable and confident and perfectly able to manage your own emotions, or you are incompetent, unable to control your emotional reactions and suffer from such a crushing lack of self-esteem that words on a page will reduce you to a snivelling sack of useless shit.

“Trigger warning” will have a whole new meaning if women end up in combat. Let’s see how the ladies like that.

Is this why feminists tend to be fat? It must be. All that cake they’re having and still an endless supply because they eat and eat and eat and still get to have it, too.

All right then, let’s get to today’s rant.

So Hugo, our little manly friend up top, begins with the premise that men suck. That’s required for publication at Jezebel. No big surprise there. I wonder if Hugo knows he’s a man?

He starts by talking about our deeply misogynistic culture, in which women have

the absolute right to determine whether they will become parents,

the right to force men to pay for their choices,

the right to attend a publicly funded school system designed around their strengths and interests,

the right to live in a country whose freedom is protected with male lives,

the right to define any sexual experience as rape if they feel like it was and then subsequently have their male partners jailed,

the right to be assumed the custodian of children when marriages break down,

the right to sue for equal pay for unequal labor, effort or training,

the right to have their healthcare issues funded,

the right to receive lenient or no punishment for criminal offences and

the right to have sex for money if they so choose.

Oh wait. No, they don’t have that last right. All those feminists speaking out against prostitution? Yeah, that’s misogyny.

Deeply misogynist culture?!?!?! Are you fucking kidding me? Hey, Hugo, ever hear of a place called Saudi Arabia? How about Afghanistan? Ring a bell? No?

You know we’re heading nowhere good when we start out with that premise, but I’ll bet you can’t guess just how bad it’s gonna get.

Here is Hugo’s plan for how to fix our “deeply misogynist” culture: we need to get men to be more compassionate, appreciative and playful. What we want is men who are incredibly secure in their masculinity and who are not threatened by women. We want men liberated from the straightjacket of masculinity, with happy consequences for everyone. We want men to be “feminist allies”.

CANCEL THE DRAFT!

END MALE SUICIDE!

FUND MEN’S HEALTHCARE!

GIVE FATHER’S EQUAL CUSTODY!

Hahahahahah!

No silly. That’s not how you liberate men from the straightjacket of masculinity. You see, we still NEED men to fight wars and do all the rough, dirty, shitty work in our culture and then to go and quietly kill themselves or die from preventable diseases when they are no longer useful. We’re not talking about that kind of straightjacket.

No, the correct way to liberate men from masculinity and to make them more compassionate, appreciative and playful is….

Yes, gentlemen, anal sex is how you liberate yourself from masculinity and become more compassionate, appreciative and playful. And not just ANY anal sex. No, no, no. This kind of anal sex is very specific: you must let your wife or girlfriend penetrate your ass with a strap-on penis.

Pegging.

Delightful name, no?

Now simmer down, all you non-anal sex loving heterosexual men. If you don’t care to be pegged by your girlfriend or your wife, it’s because you are insecure in your masculinity, homophobic and also just a really bad sexual partner.

Here’s why you need to open your mind to having a giant silicon dick shoved up your ass:

…no other erotic experience a man can undergo can create greater empathy with women than being penetrated by his partner. “For men who have never been on the receiving side of penetration, sex is something that happens outside the body. And when sex is external to your body, it can be easier to do when you have a headache or you’re not quite in the mood. A lot of men discover than when sex is about catching rather than pitching, their mood, their emotions, and their connection to a partner can often have a bigger influence on what they want to do and how it feels.” Men, Glickman and Emirzian suggest optimistically, will be a lot less likely to rush foreplay once they’ve experienced how long it takes to relax sufficiently in order to comfortably take a dildo (or other sex toy) in the ass.

So basically this is about lack of foreplay? Really? Wouldn’t it be easier to, oh, I don’t know, JUST ASK your partner to slow things down than to get out a dildo and fuck him up the ass?

You know, I actually don’t think this is about foreplay at all. Here’s the most interesting part of the article:

“There’s a common myth that anal sex only hurts the receiver,” they say; it’s too often assumed (especially when it’s a man doing the penetrating) that he’s taking pleasure in causing discomfort, while the “bottom” (usually a woman) gets pleasure only out of making her guy happy. “We suspect this is also why some straight guys may fear that their female partners want to penetrate them not for mutual pleasure, but as some kind of passive-aggressive payback.”

Uhm, have any of these writers ever seen a real penis? They seem to be leaving out something pretty significant: PENISES CONNECTED TO REAL LIVING MEN HAVE NERVE ENDINGS. When a real, flesh and blood, living penis enters a vagina or an anus or a mouth, those nerve endings are activated and result in a feeling of extreme pleasure.

When a woman straps on a silicon penis and shoves it up her partner’s ass, SHE DOESN’T FEEL ANYTHING because plastic dicks do not contain nerve endings! How in the name of god could fucking someone with a plastic dick be conceived of as MUTUALLY pleasurable?

Why, the authors answer their own question, don’t they?

It most certainly IS a passive-aggressive payback. There is no potential for physical pleasure from the act of pegging a man – IT’S A FAKE PENIS! The pleasure comes from humiliating him. The pleasure comes from dominating him. The pleasure comes from turning him into a woman, however temporarily.

And you know, I have no problem with men who enjoy this kind of thing. You like getting fucked in the ass by your girlfriend’s strap-on? Have at ‘er, lads. It’s none of my business what turns your crank.

Let’s take a look at the last sentences of the article: … the sooner men get over their anxiety and guilt, the more fun they and their partners will have. And maybe, just maybe, we can peg our way right out of sexism itself.

The more fun men will have? Really? So now it’s fun to surrender your body so that someone else can feel aggressive and dominant and psychologically satisfied by an act that delivers no physical pleasure to her? Gee, it seems to me that when MEN engage in sexual acts that require women to be submissive and that result in no physical pleasure for her, they are sexist, inconsiderate assholes who deserve a lonely life of masturbating to internet porn.

But when women want to do that exact same thing to men, it’s not only understandable, laudable and acceptable, it’s a potential solution to the whole problem of sexism itself! All we need to end sexism is to degrade men to the point where they will happily offer their asses for pounding.

All right, I’m game. Let’s end sexism, Mr. JB. You’re not homophobic, right? You care about me, right? You want to end sexism, right? You want to be appreciative and playful, right?

50 Responses to “NSFW! Mr. JB, pick up some lube on your way home. We’re gonna solve the problem of sexism! It will be fun. Trust me.”

Fuck that, anal sex is awesome because anal sex! Get your political statements out of my bedsheets! Man, I hate hate hate all this “have sex the way I tell you because it is right and proper” bull that Jezebel et al trot out. If I told them you must diddle your boyfriend because THAT’S WHAT JESUS GAVE HIS MORTAL LIFE FOR, ARE YOU UNCHRISTIAN OR WHAT? they wouldn’t stand for it. But if I tell them how to fuck FOR THE GREAT CAUSE OF FEMINISM then, hey, that’s all groovy.

[…] perspective before comments come rolling in. I must say it has been interesting having some of my most intimate relationship details plastered over the internet but I believe that I have learned to appreciate more of what I have through this […]