tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9228780628220978632016-09-07T21:35:27.045-07:00reflections of OCD☆ my encounters with the tidiness of times and spaces ☆Licorice Pixie OCDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15288427390438673123noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-922878062822097863.post-75661065989460300572011-02-16T18:41:00.000-08:002011-02-16T19:03:10.055-08:00OCD as a way to control depression?Sometimes I want to die. Sometimes I think that everyone hates me, that I've done something terribly wrong without realising it, that everyone misunderstands my motivations and thus misinterprets all my actions, that everyone thinks I am really pathetic and lonely and have an unfulfilling life, that I am uptight, that I have the wrong values, that there is no point in trying to do anything because I am useless, etc etc. <div>I would say that this sounds like a description of depression. <div><br /></div><div>But I also feel incredibly ashamed when I feel like this. I imagine that if I committed suicide people would laugh at how useless and weak I was. Feeling pathetic makes me feel more pathetic for feeling pathetic!</div><div><br /></div><div>But I don't want these feelings to rule my life. I want <i>ME</i> to rule my life, and I am distinct from these feelings. So how do <i>I</i> control my life rather than the feelings controlling my life?</div><div><br /></div><div>I become incredibly proactive, organised, hardworking, positive, clean, tidy, efficient, on time, and so on. Essentially I become OCD.</div><div><br /> <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Djo30nwHUJQ/TVyPZ7xKIXI/AAAAAAAAADA/QY2Rui4VXVE/s1600/theEndOfControl.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Djo30nwHUJQ/TVyPZ7xKIXI/AAAAAAAAADA/QY2Rui4VXVE/s200/theEndOfControl.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5574488114481209714" /></a><br /></div><div>It makes me wonder if sometimes the difference between people with depression and people with OCD is that the former have given in to the despair, while the latter are fighting it; but that both are a response to the same emotions. </div></div>Licorice Pixie OCDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15288427390438673123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-922878062822097863.post-24549632791850426992010-11-03T12:24:00.000-07:002011-02-16T18:40:05.881-08:00Depression - I don't get it<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I have/had a friend, Cecilia, who has quite bad depression. There are a number of her friends that she has seriously offended during an episode. Recently I was one of them. Without realizing, I did something to upset her, and despite apologizing, she began to insult me, and wouldn't stop. I was very hurt by this and have not spoken to her since. It has been two months and she has not apologized or tried to speak with me. </span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">In the mean time she has offended other mutual friends of ours, and as a result of this she was not invited to a lunch or beer date here and there, while we awaited an apology. She then announced to our group that if we did not start to include her again she would kill herself.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 222px; height: 320px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_EWxzBs_MsLw/TNG7BS1xrgI/AAAAAAAAACY/3ux8dvJK7LQ/s320/depression_by_thirsty5.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5535411047926705666" /><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">As a response to this threat, the group decided that despite being very upset with her, they would </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">pretend</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> as if everything was fine and act friendly, so that she didn't go off the rails. I was completely opposed to this plan. I believe that we should treat her like a normal person and await her apology. I believe it feeds her depression when we let it be an excuse for her behavior. It got back to her that I thought this, and now I am the bad guy.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I feel frustrated because it seems to me as if she does not want to get better. I don't know anybody with depression who has not somewhat improved their mental health by taking control of their life as much as possible, getting up every day, going to work, keeping busy - the tenets of CBT (and, as a sufferer of OCD, my natural responses to my own depression). This is why I thought we should await her apology. I always tried to treat her like a </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">person</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> - as if she was capable of reasoning and could be held morally responsible for her actions - because I believed that to do otherwise was to worsen things for her, was to empower her depression. Instead, Cecilia acts as if she is on holiday most of the time, talks about her depression all the time, brings it up whenever she has done something wrong, makes it her defining feature. It is as if she </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">wants</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> it to be an excuse. </span></div><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">She has a close friend who I think is very very rational, but Samy always makes allowances for her, always excuses her behavior because she is depressed. It makes me wonder if perhaps I am wrong to treat her like morally responsible and rational agent; because her depression is so bad that it has actually taken over her brain and she is just an intelligent animal, but </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">not</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> a </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">person</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">. Maybe she doesn't want to get better because her depression is so bad that she actually </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">can't</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> want to get better. In which case I would in fact be completely taking the wrong approach because I am expecting things from her that she is not capable of, eg: acknowledging that she was rude and apologizing. </span></div></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Depression, I don't get it. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">EDIT: </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Feb 2011. I spoke to a friend of mine who is a mental health nurse in a mental hospital. She told me that given the display of behaviours she would be suspicious that Cecilia is not suffering true depression, but instead that she has a Cluster B type Personality Disorder. </span></div>Licorice Pixie OCDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15288427390438673123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-922878062822097863.post-76392265261123508712010-07-23T17:58:00.001-07:002010-07-23T18:03:09.892-07:00Following blogs and privacyWHAT!? Now when I try to follow a blog, rather than following it as "Liquorice Pixie" or anonymously, I am asked to follow it using my real name (which blogger has taken from my yahoo email address) or anonymously. I like following somewhat publicly as Liquorice Pixie whilst still keeping my real name and email address private. <div>Grr<div>Privacy is a big issue for me, I always shut the curtains (when I'm home in case people watch me through the windows, and when I'm out in case people look at my stuff)!</div></div>Licorice Pixie OCDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15288427390438673123noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-922878062822097863.post-68560850701187383282010-07-23T17:26:00.001-07:002010-11-03T14:02:31.621-07:00My Dad and Hand Towels<div>When I was younger I didn't really suffer OCD. My Dad was always particular about strange things, one of which is that he doesn't like others to use the same hand towel as him. These peculiarities used to really piss me off and I'd sometimes give him shit about these things. Now that he's much older and I've grown up I am far more respectful towards him. Now when I visit him I take into account the things that bother him, for example when I arrive I'll ask him if he'd like me to get out a hand towel for me to use. I've noticed that now that I take his concerns seriously, he is less OCD about them. For example, since I have been asking him about the hand towel he no longer minds if we use the same one. </div><div><br /></div><div><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 164px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_EWxzBs_MsLw/TEo0-IdjetI/AAAAAAAAACI/S-v2-gIzkcQ/s200/drying+hands.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5497264537187089106" /></div><div>What is it that has changed for him? Why does a concern of his seem to cease being a concern now that I too am concerned about it? Perhaps he thinks that if I too am the kind of person who cares about sharing a hand towel with dirty handed people then he reasons that we must both be clean handed people, and can therefore share with each other?? Perhaps the concern is caused merely by a fear that something which seems to him obviously of great importance is not being recognised as such by others, and once he knows someone else is looking after the issue he no longer needs to?? Perhaps it's a trust thing - he trusts that I care about what matters to him, and that is enough to end his anxiety about it??</div>Licorice Pixie OCDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15288427390438673123noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-922878062822097863.post-12392453980903845662010-02-04T22:27:00.000-08:002010-02-04T22:42:52.213-08:00Moving House<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_EWxzBs_MsLw/S2u93x_BNfI/AAAAAAAAACA/EmwO4ArYZXs/s1600-h/messy-room-02.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 140px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_EWxzBs_MsLw/S2u93x_BNfI/AAAAAAAAACA/EmwO4ArYZXs/s200/messy-room-02.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5434646141360748018" /></a><div>I'd hate to be a hoarder. I'm not a hoarder though. I'm more like a minimalist. I have to organise and reduce everything. Obsessively. All the items in the first aid / bathroom cupboard. Can't have two bottles of shampoo. No. One has to go. It's like the more stuff there is the more out of control my life feels. The more I feel bogged down. However, there's a certain amount of stuff that, pragmatically, you just can't do without. Moving house makes this all too apparent. It makes you realise how much stuff you have. How dependent you are on all this stuff. Cutlery, plates, teapots, stereos, tvs, toaster, hair drier, sunscreen, towels, toilet paper, blankets, books, chairs, pillows, winter jackets, hats, running shoes, work shoes, summer shoes, dressy shoes. And all the bits and pieces that are left behind on the floor when you're taken the boxes. But when you're moving house, things <i>are </i>everywhere. You <i>do </i>have a lot of stuff. It <i>is </i>all over the place, out of order. There's nothing you can do to make the knot go away. </div>Licorice Pixie OCDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15288427390438673123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-922878062822097863.post-18328983798407590782009-10-08T15:47:00.000-07:002009-10-08T15:56:10.798-07:00OCD about the tidiness of the spaces in the blog<span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I had the colours in the blog below listed in alphabetical order, but the shape of them was all wrong. I have just edited them, and probably will do again. I am struggling with the fact that the text on the blog is "left align" and not "justify". I know I can change it, but am trying to resist. Having a blog is hard work. Everything on the page must be laid out in a certain way so as to be relaxed, smooth and tidy looking. I will now go and rearrange the icons on my desk top, before getting back to work...</span></span></span>Licorice Pixie OCDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15288427390438673123noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-922878062822097863.post-62166102726506175262009-10-07T02:10:00.000-07:002009-10-08T15:44:44.454-07:00Ordering ColoursToday I purchased a packet of tampons, but each one had a different color wrapper. I tipped them all out of their box, and spent the next hour organising the colours in a certain relation to each other. I hated the dark colour of the purple ones, and couldn't stand them being all grouped together. I had to arrange them so that each colour did not sit next to or adjacent to another of the same colour, or a similar colour. There wasn't an even amount of each colour some I couldn't come up with a formula. I was unable to do this to my satisfaction.<div><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 233px; height: 225px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_EWxzBs_MsLw/SsxfOKXZo-I/AAAAAAAAABQ/N1CSiJysHwE/s320/kotex+tampons.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5389787550960952290" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="text-decoration: underline;"><br /></span><div>Blue</div><div>Pink</div><div>Green<br /><div>Purple<div>Turquoise</div><div>Orange dark</div><div>Orange light</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /><div><br /></div></div></div></div></div>Licorice Pixie OCDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15288427390438673123noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-922878062822097863.post-12925054761765896062009-10-06T02:25:00.000-07:002009-10-08T15:53:43.760-07:00Waiting, and the shape of time.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_EWxzBs_MsLw/Ss5tZaFxkeI/AAAAAAAAABo/Ch4-1mHU4WA/s1600-h/Jared+benwell+painting.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_EWxzBs_MsLw/Ss5tZaFxkeI/AAAAAAAAABo/Ch4-1mHU4WA/s200/Jared+benwell+painting.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5390366087276761570" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Tonight my husband and I had planned to have an early dinner as he had to head back into work and I had intended to work on a book review, before knocking off later to unwind and watch a tv show before bed. Dinner didn't happen when we'd said. I paced around the house, completely anxious, while I waited for him to start cooking, and then to finish. I couldn't settle in to the book review knowing that I would soon be disrupted to sit down together and eat. After dinner he didn't leave as planned, he waited around to watch a show that he decided to watch at the last minute. I felt so anxious, waiting for him to leave. I couldn't start working knowing that he would soon leave, but not knowing when. It wasn't that I wanted him to leave, and there was no reason to feel anxious. But just knowing that something was going to happen soon and not having a set time for it made me feel panicky.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">There are two things that bring on a panic attack. The first is waiting for something. If I have a meeting to be at in the afternoon, and nothing else all morning, I often find it incredibly hard to settle in to work. I will feel anxious all day until the meeting. I don't have to have any worries about the meeting, it's just the fact that I can't go about my day freely, there is something disruptive looming in the future. The second thing that bothers me, is the shape of a time period. I wanted to have dinner straight away after work, sit down for a smooth 3 hours, and then be interrupted for the tv show. Instead, the evening was spliced into a million (ok, only 3) little pieces, my work on the book review continually interrupted. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> Consequently, I had a panic attack before he left. I broke down in tears; that I hadn't completed my book review goal for the day. The world felt like it was spinning out of control, just because we hadn't had dinner when we'd planned and I wasn't finished work in time for the tv show, and my evening had been broken up into pieces. I know that I'm being irrational but can't stop myself from feeling this way. As always, this is the torment of OCD. I feel like a complete crazy. I feel worthless.</span></div>Licorice Pixie OCDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15288427390438673123noreply@blogger.com1