Saturday, February 8, 2014

Flu Fighter: Notes on the Run

I'm slipping in and out of consciousness due to the meds I am taking for this flu. So before I go to bed, I find a need to talk to you about Miley Cyrus, the new marketing bullshit and Alvivi.

Last year, I remember having lunch paid for by a guy who owes me money. The guy is old school business and we got to talking about Miley Cyrus. He believed the poor girl's career is over due to some bad decisions. I told him I believed she was just taking Paris Hilton's marketing strategy to the next level.

Hilton, I told him, was a nothing. Who the fuck gave a shit about her until she probably leaked her own porn?

After that, she had a few reality shows, a chain of clubs, was courted by some shady people with money - including one Malaysian dude - an album, starred in some of the worst movies ever made by mankind (yes, even worse than Tanda Putera) and got paid to support her lavish lifestyle. Just from one sex video. And who can forget Kim Kardashian? She built an entire entertainment empire off her own sex video.

The guy had some problems processing this, so I let him off the hook. I have not left him off the hook for owing me money, but there's no reason to explain complex modern economics to a traditionalist. Miley Cyrus had no problems and is now worth 150 million. USD. over 300,000 tweets per minute during her crazy VMA performance, amounting to 4.5 million tweets total for the show. Her album went to number 5. You know how difficult that is?

Miley is NOT on the top 10 list of richest female celebs last year simply because she didn't tour. If she did, I dunno, maybe. The market is fickle and anyone who claims to know for sure is either Simon Cowell or an idiot impostor.

This is perhaps why Alvin and Vivian - the duo known as Alvivi - released their own sex tape. Why did Kardashian and Hilton make hundreds of millions off their sex tape and Alvivi only had people judging them and telling them they suck, have bad teeth and they suck? Did I mention they suck?

The problem, I believe, is timing. The mechanics today, in Malaysia, in order to capture money from attention is not as advanced as it is in the West. It's soon catching up, but it won't be until a few years from now when people like James Lee and others can pave the way here.

This is where Gen Y fails. This is where America failed earlier this century. If your only product is buzz, if marketing is your entire production, and your system is not advanced enough to get money just from your 15 minutes, you are fucked.

Alvivi had the right idea, but they missed one crucial step - what the fuck are you selling? What? You think you're gonna get movie roles and write books and people will buy that shit?

Do you even know how much they pay actors? Which publisher is going to take you? You wanna self-publish? Good luck not getting banned in Malaysia. Kindle? What?

Goddamned delusional wanking bullshit artists.

You remember the movie Pain and Gain? Arguably Michael Bay's best movie, but not my favourite (it's Armageddon), the thing shows what kind of crazy self-help business-class guru can tell you that being crazy and stupid and half-assed is the way to become a millionaire.

Recently, I see some self-help books in Malay talking the EXACT SAME SHIT the popular '90s business books were telling. And Malaysian businessmen doing what the businessmen and women of the '90s corporate America did - pretend you have success and success will come to you. Even if you can't afford it, buy that sports car, that lavish bungalow and business will come your way.

I have to say, in this sense, I am a traditionalist. I'm in new media, but I remember the dotcom bubble of the '90s, when all these frauds got caught and American venture caps lost billions thinking they're backing the next Google or Apple. Fuck you.

See, I study why things fail, because I see myself as Karnak from the Inhumans. The dotcom bubble burst simply because there were so many bullshit companies selling bullshit. Really, man. Just read up the Times and Forbes magazines of that era. People were getting paid millions a year just to be a 'team player' while not doing any work. Companies were not making anything, had no business models and were not selling anything but the image of modern business. Fuck that shit.

I come from a swamp, motherfucker! I do not identify with any image, but with the core substance of anything - a person, a company, a whole fucking industry, a generation.

You are getting money from something, or you are not. There is a transaction of buying and selling. Goods and services change hands for funds. Basic. There is no magic.

You wanna do business? What you selling, Willis? Vitamin pills? A blowjob? Does the price cover your cost plus margins? Go read wikipedia - there's more business self-help there than you could read in a year. Keynesian economics? Norwegian economics? Go fucking read, bitches.

And this brings us to, as always, multi-level marketing. MLMs. I HATE MLMs with the intensity of a thousand suns. Why? Because they have created a system where you - the seller - become the biggest captive consumer target market. And you fucking fell for it! You fucking idiots! I should just kill you out of principle.

MLMs play with people's beliefs, their hopes and dreams, and instead of killing them, these MLMs just leave them as financial husks who then rob other people's homes in the true spirit of '90s commercialism.

This is why, even in business, I have never lied. My business is the truth, because I am the light and the way.

@amirhimself

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Amir Hafizi is the sexiest man on Earth. His chest is as thick as any redwood trunk; from which hangs two great boughs of heavily muscled arms and one minor but strong branch of solid wood somewhere down there.