Remember how it blew your mind when you found out that the character you'd been jumping and shooting with in the first Metroid was a woman? Well, it turns out she was hiding a lot more than long, flowing locks under that Varia Suit armor.

In a revelation that destroys 73% of the fan-fiction written about her, Nintendo's leading heroine has come out of the closet as a lesbian. In a personal essay written for McSweeney's, Samus talks about how the lonely nature of her bounty hunter work let her keep quiet for years:

I would flit between one relationship and another, hopping inside my gunship and speeding off to the next planet before things got too serious. Then the Mother Brain decided to outlaw same-sex marriage on planet SR-388. Planets Tallon IV, Aether and my birth planet K-2L followed suit. What year are we living in? Earth Year 2009? It's time for the universe to redefine its narrow concept of marriage.

As many times as she's saved the galaxy, Samus wasn't allowed to share a clandestine lover's last moments after a tragic Metroid attack:

I rushed her to the infirmary, where nurses and doctors attempted to freeze the Metroid with an ice beam and fire missiles at it five times. At least that's what they told me. I wasn't allowed to see her. Moments later I was informed she was dead. Can an argument be made against this basic human privilege? I'll never see my partner again-the Metroid guaranteed that-but the hospital was just as guilty.

Remember how, erm, clunky it was when Nintendo and dev studio Team Ninja tried to add depth to Samus Aran's backstory in Metroid: Other M? The controversial characterizations and the stilted dialogue all make a weird sort of sense now. Can you say cover-up, boys and girls?

Could Samus' fictional sexual preference be the reason that she hasn't has the kind of splashy 25th anniversary celebrations that Mario and Link have gotten? No art books or concert tours for poor Samus. Hell, even the Metroid Prime Trilogy has been out-of-print for years. Nintendo should honor this brave soul and give her the hero's recognition she deserves.