You may think you know watches, but let's be real — you just don’t. Let me, a true horological aficionado, enlighten your plebeian minds as to what makes a real watch, what you should wear when and what to do with those old watches of yours. All the opinions expressed by the Watch Snob are my own and are just that — opinions. Don’t worry, though. AskMen will still be bringing you great features on interesting watches to buy, both old and new, expensive and cheap. But for those who would like a truly discerning opinion on timepieces, let the Watch Snob decree.

cartier watches

Hi Watch Snob,

I’m looking for your opinion on two watch brands: Cartier and Richard Mille. One is a brand just about everyone knows, yet I don't hear it mentioned in your column very often. Is it truly a worthy watch manufacturer or just a jewelry company that happens to make watches? Richard Mille is a name I have only recently come across. Is it nouveau trash or should I be learning more about this manufacturer?

You could not have chosen two more different watch brands to ask about. Cartier, after about a century of sheer rubbish, recently decided to take watchmaking seriously. I’m not sure who at Cartier decided it was time to actually make something of interest to people who care about watches, but I, for one, am glad it did. That watch, of course, is the Calibre de Cartier, which uses its first in-house manufactured movement in, well, forever. Mind you, it’s not really anything groundbreaking and the design is rather garish, but I like to give a nod to companies that at least make the attempt. It remains to be seen if Cartier will be a horological one-hit wonder or if it’ll develop other complications or fit this movement into other more tasteful watches. As for the rest of Cartier’s line, it’s tired, ugly and pedestrian, with the lone exception of the Tank, a lovely piece that still amounts to little more than a fashion watch due to the lack of a proper movement.

Richard Mille is just about the opposite of a fashion watch. Horologically speaking, it produces wonders of engineering and truly state-of-the-art timepieces to the point where the watch design surrenders entirely to the movement. I think Monsieur Mille is a bit of a mad scientist for whom telling the time is less important than how the hands are driven around the dial. Perhaps he could help Cartier. Imagine a Tank with an RM movement. One can dream.

ritmo mvndo watches

Hi Snob,

I recently heard about Ritmo Mvndo, and I know that no watch in this range is really worth buying, but I figured it must be better than the Movado I’m currently wearing. I want a Ritmo Mvndo 401/1 White Mop. It is only $500, and I wanted to support the brand because the owner of the company, Ali Soltani, is an Iranian like me. It would be unique, too. I was hoping for your opinion.

If you’ve read any of my columns, you would not be hoping for my opinion. For that matter, you would not have written at all. Every week, I hope to find a gem of a question from a reader that challenges me with a horological riddle, a true dilemma, perhaps, or a lively debate about the merits of modular versus integrated chronograph movements. But my Sisyphean existence continues, answering the same questions about watches that should be found free in the bottom of a box of cereal. Like Movado. Or this Ritmo Mvndo.

Look past your misguided nationalistic loyalties. According to Ritmo Mvndo’s website, your compatriot Mr. Soltani had the pleasure of selling Michael Jackson the world’s most expensive watch. So I think he’ll do just fine without your $500.

question from a watch knob

Hello Watch Snob,

I find your writing honest and informative. I appreciate the continual suffering that you endure by reading and answering preposterous questions. I recall reading one of your articles that mentioned Sheamus giving Royal Oaks to women he meets in hotel bars. I am also extremely aware that the answer is always "no" if you never ask. So, I ask if you and/or Sheamus would make one of my watch goals complete. I believe that a watch should tell a grand tale, and I cannot think of telling any greater watch story than to tell of receiving such a meaningful luxurious timepiece from true horology purists. I look forward to your reply and future columns. Thank you!

Once Vladimir Putin handed his watch and knife over to a poor shepherd’s son, word got around the motherland. It wasn’t long before he had to also hand over a Blancpain Flyback chronograph to a metalworker who publicly asked for it. Of course, there’s no telling what became of these peasants after the cameras stopped rolling, but the point is I have learned a valuable lesson from Comrade Putin. To give away one timepiece sets a precedent for others to ask in the future. So as much as I would like to make your dream come true, I must uphold the integrity of my position and resist the urge. However, I cannot speak for Sheamus, but you’ll have to meet him in a hotel bar to ask him.