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Black Dwarf

I had to go to Costco because I’m out of a few basics that I use a lot of: chicken stock (the dog insists that we lube his kibble with broth or else he’ll just push it around with his nose and make a huge fucking mess), diced tomatoes (I like to cook Italian) and kitty litter because I now have two cats.

I happened to be on-line with Nina when this happened:

Do you detect a whiff of Nordic superiority?

I’ve never been to Costco (unlike you weak, obese, overfed, will-powerless Americans) so I don’t know what I would need.

I stocked up on broth and tomatoes (and maybe a giant wheel of cheese but I’ll never tell) and kitty litter.

I’ve only purchased litter at the grocery store and wasn’t quite prepared for how heavy a Costco sized box is.

Holy shit. It looks small but is like picking up an ingot of lead.

So I schlepped my shit to the cashier and the sign says to leave heavy objects in the basket so when the bagger came over I said, “Watch out. That thing is heavier than a black dwarf.”

“So … would you like a box?” he asked.

Um, yes?

As my items were rung up I twisted in agony thinking this guy thinks by black dwarf I mean this:

and not this:

I had to say something.

“I actually meant white dwarf. You know, when a star collapses and becomes incredibly dense and heavy despite being very small …

… like that container of litter …

… astronomy …”

Bagger: “Oh, I think I know what you are talking about. I was wondering if you were just being wildly inappropriate.”

Me: “Ha ha! Me? Hahahahaha! Inappropriate? Never.”

That was fun.

Then I went home and unloaded my car, including my kitty litter that weighs as much as a black dwarf … excuse me … a white dwarf, because according to the internet …

… black dwarfs are entirely hypothetical whereas white dwarfs are real and if I had said the kitty litter weighed as much as a white dwarf he might have thought I was an asshole (because I don’t think he was really on the same astronomical wavelength as me but who is?) but not a racist asshole.

Very nice. Had a coworker tell me one day, “If Costco doesn’t sell it, you don’t need it.” During a visit there, I realized he could be right. Everything from underwear to siding. I sense a reality TV series.

Glad you made it out alive. But did you make it without paying the $100 mandatory cover charge?