Friday, 1 July 2011

What a week for online poker, dear Melted Felt readers. Full Tilt dominated the ‘news’, highlighting just how many bland generic ‘poker information and strategy’ sites there are out there regurgitating the same information without adding any value whatsoever in (oh-so) slightly different words… Anyway, I digress, this post is to recap on the week that FTP would love to forget. I realize that things are moving along even as I type… hopefully some good news to pull the legs from (or should that be ‘off of’) next week right here on your favorite 3rd rate poker satire blog – Melted Felt.

Interlude: Before I start, a BIG ‘Thanks” to all of the people on forums, blogs and social media out there who ‘told us so’… you are exactly the same people who, when dark, brooding and ominous clouds appear over our sunny barbeque party say, “hmmm, its gonna rain” – and then tell us all oh-so-fvcking-proudly that you ‘told us so’ when it does… have a pat on the fvcking head if you 'told us so' after Black Friday, a real special proud pat.

*Ahem* anyway – time for that roundup!

- Isle Of Man Chemists have been reported to their fair trade commissioner after allegedly forming a cartel to triple the price of incontinence pads and supplies overnight… This reportedly came as a response to extra-high demand caused by the management of Pokerstars repeatedly p1ssing themselves laughing.

- A special hotline has been set up to assist Rush Poker addicts currently reporting severe withdrawal symptoms. Trained therapists are apparently trying to trigger memories of the Rushers, to see if they could recall friends, family or partners they might have known before their Rush habit took over. To make things easier on the former players, each therapist speaks to a group of players for 5 seconds, before they are recombined into another group.

- Back to Pokerstars, who have been prompt and professional in sending out an e-mail to their affiliates and players. We noticed the nice words arriving in our inbox did not match the original version, which read: “Dear Player, Pfffff, haha ha, chpffff ggggghhhh, hahahaha-ha, Full Tilt – fvckkkkkkk haha,, churt churt, heheeeheheeeha – agg g-g-g-g-g hahahaah, pffff-g.”

- Phil Ivey has reportedly taken down the statement from his website which indicated he was going to sue FTPs ass… which MEANS SOMETHING, though nobody has actually decided quite what yet. Update: He will apparently play in the WSOP $50k HORSE… which definitely means something or other, for certain.

- The French gambling commission have fined FTP $10k, which PROVES IT, though nobody has actually decided what the ‘it’ is yet.

- Justin Timberlake just shot to the top of the ‘potential buyers list’ after he parted with cash to buy MySpace… no, scratch that, he is probably more suited to buying Cereus.

Good news coming in late in the day… with a deal now officially rumored!