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Awaiting Death

Stanley capped his pen and slowly put it away in the stand. His eyes scanned the ‘Will’ for one last time. Everything was in order. His sons would be taken care off. He had divided his estates equally between the two of them so there wouldn’t be any quibbling over it later. His daughter would get the seaside condominium with a cabana attached. She had loved the place since her childhood. That would make her happy.

The awaiting death had spread a light on his life like never before. Impending death had purged his life of all the blemishes that had stood out at one point in his life as sores. The jagged lines traced in his life had taken on a new meaning as he found peace in his voyage so far and the tidal waves that rocked his boat then were calm and devoid of any angry reprisals. Life had dealt him all sorts of cards but he had surmounted them all. They were mostly external threats and acts done by own volition that he had no regrets doing. But this, he felt helpless with. Something he had no control over. He could feel his body being eaten on the inside and consuming his life away. All that he had achieved and gained all his life suddenly seemed ready to float away as a wisp of cloud when he was not ready for it. Slowly over the months he had accepted the fact and finally came to a stage where he was ready to embrace it.

He leaned back into his plush armchair and slowly hoisted his feet on to the table and sat leaning back in contemplation. He was approaching the evening of his life and he knew every day was precious but he had miles to go before the final sleep. He was preparing for it ever so slowly but meticulously. There were so many details that couldn’t be tossed aside; so many documents to be signed, the bank accounts, his stocks, mutual funds and his medical bills. Those were the ones that were eating away his time and energy. He had accepted the fact that he was dying. His weekly visits to the doctor for check ups were a habit now and didn’t bother him too much. It was inevitable. His insides were being eaten by cancerous cells that had metastasized all over. It was a matter of time and time suddenly seemed so precious.

‘Death’ what was it about death that had him flummoxed, like never before? ‘Living’ had never been a problem. He had lived life to its fullest and had skipped every rock thrown in his direction. Obstacles had only challenged him and excited him. Fame, money eventually fell in place and he never felt deprived or lacking. He had achieved most of what he wanted to do. He sat back reflecting and wondering if this was how it was all planned out for him. To be extinguished, being fully aware of its oncoming force was a hard ball to dodge. He would have preferred to have died in his sleep but he didn’t comprehend the part as to why he was being subjected to so much torture by his own body, realizing the painful treatments and counting the number of days left, on his fingers.

‘We all die, the goal is probably to create something that will live on forever’, he thought. Then he wondered about it. Had he really left behind anything for posterity?

Dying is certainly not a romantic event and death is certainly a game that will be over…it is nothing; it is the absence of the presence…an endless time of never coming back to this world…a gap you can’t see and when the wind blows through it, it makes not a sound… he had heard someone say. But why did he feel today that he was not ready for it yet. Is it because he felt the desire to live, to experience and sail through life and travails all over again …all of which he enjoyed doing so much. His entire life flashed in front of his eyes like an old black and white movie. He stood up and took a deep breath and taking his walking cane, he walked out into the garden with a smile. Come what may nobody can take the happiness away from my ‘this moment…’