Being a guitar player for a number of years, now, I’ve watched and followed the career of Edward “don’t call me Eddie” Van Halen for quite some time. Well, at least until the early 1990’s when the famous Eddie V started to think he was the second coming of Chopin.

With that being said, how, you ask, does an aging rock giant revive his career? Create a signature series guitar? He already tried that. Too expensive and it sucked, bad combo. In fact, music items with crazy Ed’s red, white and black stripes adorn just about everything. Almost everything. Until now.

Fret not, shoeless musicians. From the twisted mind of EVH comes this monstrosity:

Don’t worry, freaks. They also come in yellow.

You’re a sick puppy, Eddie. The sad thing is, THIS will be the most successful venture Ed has tried in 15 years. The only thing I can really say is I hope Eddie’s son, Wolfgang(no, that’s his name, stop laughing)will tell his father to stop trying to be 30 years ago cool and resign himself to owning a Frankenstein striped Prius and bitch about how he was married to the chick from “One Day at a Time”. Yeah, Eddie, we know. We all know. See you at Payless.