A sudden rush of butterflies in my stomach and unexpected flashback shows up on my mind screen.

Sickle or scythe. Scythe or sickle?

I am standing in front of the whole class, having a foolish argument with the teacher. She says sickle, I say scythe. Or the other way around. Like it matters so much who’s right about the proper name for a tool that none of us will ever use.

First time I’m standing up myself, knowing that I prepared for the class, that I read the material, that I was right about this small, silly thing. For me, it was an important act of bravery – speaking up despite the cold sweat on my back and huge lump in my throat. Little mouse trying to become a cat.

Few days later the teacher has a stroke. Once, a knowledgeable person is now unable to fully use her mind or body. She’s handicapped.

Guilt.

“It’s my fault. I made her so angry and that stress caused the stroke. If I had only bit my tongue that day and kept my thoughts to myself … Standing up for myself causes trouble. I hurt people when I speak up. I probably was wrong about the damn sickle anyways …”

She lives couple of streets away from my house. I use another way to get home now, not wanting to meet her by chance, ashamed to look her in the eye …

Someone from my school has an idea to pay her a visit, bring a card and flowers. I live close by. If only I was sick that day and stayed home! Unlucky. They chose me and Eve. We’re the obvious choice. We live just around the corner.

It’s too late, I have no choice. They already decided. If I refuse, they will know about the terrible thing that I did. I made her sick. Afraid to face her, afraid they they’ll find out…

Don’t remember the visit, too much fear erased that memory. Only thing that’s left is a strong decision not to put myself in such situation ever again. Not to speak my mind. Not to fight for my beliefs.

I float back to Right Now.

Woah! A lightbulb moment.

Thoughts emerge and turn into realization. I punish myself for standing up for my Truths. That day back then I made a promise not to, so breaking that promise requires punishment. Pain. Loneliness. Poverty. Unhappiness. Pain again. Taking back what I have gained. I don’t deserve it. I broke a promise.

How can an event so insignificant cause such an avalanche of consequences in my head?

Mind is an amazing machine. But it lacks heart and objectivity. It lies.