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December 27, 2011

Its that time of the month when we invite a Martian blogger to write for us. The Martian this month is much loved in the blogosphere for his witty and subtle humored post. If you read him then you know for sure who I m talking of. It's none other than the Atrocious Scribbler. Not only is he a gifted writer but also a very sweet and humble guy. He agreed to do a guest post at a very short notice and promptly mailed his post on the day he promised to. Without wasting any more time, go on to read this yet another funny post..

Chennai’s own Superheroes (ermm and
heroines)

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a
rocket?

Its Automan.

Chennai (formerly Madras)
is without doubt one of the most hated cities in India. I can picture you
nodding your head and pasting an evil smile onto the edge of your lips; I don’t
quite blame you for that because that’s exactly what I did when I first set
foot into this city that I now call my own. Humid weather throughout the year,
rigid language skills and not so social people don’t really make it the topper
in your `Must Visit’ list of places but once here, the place grows on you like
any other. Something’s that refuse to grow on you irrespective of spending a
decade and more of your life in this city are the antics of the Auto drivers
henceforth mentioned as Automen. They are undoubtedly nothing less than
superheroes. The Automen and Autowomen (yes, they’re there too) are a separate
sub-sect in the microcosm that is Chennai.

Just like Superman could
lift buildings, burn through steel with his eye ray and fly when he wished; the
Chennai Automan dressed in his stereotypical gaudy and glitzy shirt beneath his
unbuttoned Khaki uniform; has the
following Super powers:-

1. Lawyer/Economist/Operations Researcher– In One

Vigorous Haggling does not even begin to
describe the effort required to hire an Auto to get your desired destination. The
Automan will list out a set of ISO certified cogent arguments which will be
infallible and water tight that the Attorney General of India would clap in
approval.

The moment he acknowledges
you to be a potential wayfarer, he will tell you that the simplest way to get
from Central (main railway station) to your
desired destination in the city involves a series of intricate one ways that
pass via Uganda, San Francisco and Sydney for which the `reasonable’rate quoted by him would require that you sell your
kidney to pay for the fare.

Any retort to his pricing
quotation will be instantaneously met by a thoroughly researched argument
involving the nitty-gritty’s of Oil price Rise, Global crude oil export
statistics and the rates of inflation of various goods and services, with
figures corrected to the fifth decimal that will effectively make the Union
Finance ministers yearly Budget presentation seem like a shoddy Television
commercial.

The Automan’s grasp of
Laws of the road is only too clear. His role on the road is akin to a Central
midfielder on a football pitch - going full throttle in all lanes with ease and
pace thereby dictating the flow of traffic by seeping through what seems like a
mere centimetre of gap between two or more other vehicles. Despite that, when
an Automan is asked to pull over by a traffic cop; he will handle the cop the
way an expert Italian chef handles an aromatic pot of Spaghetti – with
elegance. A fact worth pointing out here is that a large percentage of
Chennai’s autos are owned by policemen, so it goes without saying that the two
`Saviours’ – the policemen and
Automen go hand in hand with each other so far as business is concerned.

2. Intelligence Operative/Priest/Antiquist - in One

Once into the auto, you
will notice that it is an antiquity collection of sorts. The most valuable
asset in this collective is the Auto meter which has been preserved carefully
ever since the time it was slotted into its place by the manufacturer. The
Automan fears the meter gods and never dares to anger them. For if he does so
by engaging the meter, he is then perceived to have done an act akin to Lord
Shiva having opened his third eye - absolute carnage prevails. Any meter;
privately or government installed is either severely tampered with or doesn’t
work 90% of the time. Any negotiation
with a wayfarer is thereby completely verbal and leads to more often to the
situation of `research’ based
argumentation as mentioned under pointer 1 than you can wonder.

Chennai Automen do what
even the most holy and learned of priests cannot even think of doing - they put
the fear of god into the wayfarer; even atheists sometimes with their maniacal
driving skills and lane jumping. This most definitely guarantees them a spot in
heaven because they make more people chant the name of god in their autos in
comparison to all places of worship in the world put together.

The Automan also doubles
as an Intelligence operative collecting intel about all and sundry in the
vicinity ranging from who cheated on who’s wife in the Mohalla to where the
cheapest beedi in the city is available. His sources are always on the field
and provide dependable intel by the hour.

Equipped with these unique
superpowers, the Chennai Automan has the reigns of control firmly in his grasp
thereby making him the undisputed King of the roads.

It may now interest you to
know a certain Rajnikanth (with all his super power raised to infinity ofcourse)
has essayed the role of an Automan in some of his movies. ;)

I never knew there are auto waalis.Hyderabad auto walas are no less than these people. I still remember the smirk smiles on their faces when I fight with them for the fares. They think they are the heroes and the whole city pauses if we dont take their autos (ofcourse, thats true sometimes :))

Hehe, funny post AS. "Auto meter which has been preserved carefully ever since the time it was slotted into its place by the manufacturer" - I've seen that too, in some Hyd autos. And oh yes, I don't like Chennai, but mainly due to the weather.