Blog – BeMe Life Coachinghttp://www.bemelifecoaching.com
Tue, 21 Aug 2018 09:58:50 +0000en-GBhourly1Making Stress Our Friendhttp://www.bemelifecoaching.com/making-stress-our-friend/
http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/making-stress-our-friend/#respondTue, 21 Aug 2018 09:58:50 +0000http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/?p=705I’ll continue to look at stress and how to make it our friend today, with a slightly different focus – that of how stress is beneficial for us socially. And, somewhat surprisingly, for our hearts! Let’s start with looking at

I’ll continue to look at stress and how to make it our friend today, with a slightly different focus – that of how stress is beneficial for us socially. And, somewhat surprisingly, for our hearts!

Let’s start with looking at a study which tracked 100 people aged between 35 – 93 years of age. They were asked two questions: How much stress have you experience in the last year? How much time have you spent with your friends, and people in own your community?

There were bad news at first – for every stressful life event, like serious financial difficulties or a family crisis, the risk of dying increased by 30 percent.

But that increase wasn’t true for everyone. People who spent time caring for others showed absolutely no stress related increase in dying. Caring created health resilience.

Which brings me onto the hormone oxytocin, which is released when you hug someone. Resulting in it having its own nickname – the “cuddle hormone”.

Oxytocin fine tunes your brain’s social instincts – it makes you crave physical contact with close ones, it enhances your empathy and it makes you more inclined to help and be there for people you care about.

Basically, it makes you do things that strengthens close relationships. And with close relationships being found to be a vital factor in happiness and peace of mind, oxytocin arguably deserves the attention it’s received in recent years.

What most people don’t know is that oxytocin actually is a stress hormone!

When something stressful happens to you, your pituitary gland pumps this stuff out in a stress response, similarly to how it pumps out adrenaline which makes your heart pump harder.

So what does the cuddle hormone got to do with stress, you might wonder.

The answer is that when the oxytocin is pumped out, it encourages you to seek support. It nudges you to tell someone how you’re feeling instead of bottling it up.

When life is difficult, your stress response wants you to be surrounded by people who care and love you.

Your stress response also wants you to notice when someone else in your life is struggling, so you can support each other.

And oxytocin doesn’t only act on your brain and helps you protect your mental well being, it also protects your body from the ill effects of stress as it’s both a natural anti-inflammatory and helps your blood vessels stay relaxed during stress.

An additional, and I think, wonderful effect of oxytocin is on our hearts – it helps heart cells regenerate. In simple terms, this stress hormone strengthens your heart!

The great thing is that all of these physical benefits of oxytocin are enhanced by social contact and social support. So, when you reach out to others under stress, either to seek support or to help someone else, you release more of this hormone and you recover faster.

In other words, your stress response has a built-in mechanism for stress resilience, and that mechanism is human connection. Amazing right?!

I don’t suppose any of us would necessarily ask for more stress in our lives, but this new science has given me a whole new appreciation for stress.

In fact, I love my newfound way to look at it!

Viewing stress as a friend is powerfully beneficial. Stress gives us access to our hearts. The compassionate heart that finds joy and meaning in the connection with others.

]]>http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/making-stress-our-friend/feed/0May insight!http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/may-insight/
http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/may-insight/#respondMon, 28 May 2018 07:56:48 +0000http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/?p=700As you probably know already, I do a lot of work around the importance of our mindset. How our thoughts and perspectives on the people and events around us largely determine both what we do and, importantly, how we feel

As you probably know already, I do a lot of work around the importance of our mindset. How our thoughts and perspectives on the people and events around us largely determine both what we do and, importantly, how we feel doing it.

As our personal experiences make up our reality and our mindset feeds our experiences, our mindset is arguably the most important factor determining our levels of enjoyment, peace of mind and success!

Another thing you may have heard me bang on about is how important our stress levels are to our mindsets. How too much stress can cause all sorts of ill – from a common cold to depression and even lethal illnesses such as heart disease and cancer.

Well, today I’m writing as I’ve recently had a massive aha moment!

Because I’ve just realised my perspective on stress may be completely wrong!

So I’m rethinking what the harm of stress really is. And by doing so I truly believe I will be able to handle stress, and protect myself from both physical and mental ill health, a whole lot better.

And I’d, of course, love to share this with you also!

A recent study in America was carried out on 30,000 adults over a period of 8 years. At the beginning of the study, everyone was asked “How much stress have you experienced in the last year?” and “Do you believe that stress is harmful?”.

Now it gets a little morbid, but hang on in there and read on. I promise it’s worth it!

The researchers then used public death records to find out who died.

Those experiencing a lot of stress in the last year had a 43 percent increased risk of dying. This, of course, goes very much along with the belief that indeed, stress is harmful to our health!

But this increased risk was only true for those who also had this negative belief. In other words, they believed stress is harmful for their health.

Those who had a lot of tress but did not think it increased their risk of dying were no more likely to die. In fact, they had the lowest risk of dying compared with people with relatively little stress.

The researchers estimated that over the 8 years they were tracking deaths, 182,000 people died prematurely, not because of stress but from the belief that stress is bad for us.

You can imagine my moment of aha when I came to realise that my warnings about the ill effects of stress, may in fact be the very thing that causes the problems. Not actually the stress itself!!

It also felt rather liberating.

Because with this new evidence, we are in much greater control. Realising that stress isn’t the enemy we’ve thought it is, as long as our thinking around it is healthy and correct, removes much of the worry.

Liberating indeed, as the stressors themselves are not always so possible to change or remove. But our thinking, our mindset, in this case is.

When we find ourselves in stressful situations, we naturally show physical signs of the stress. We may breath faster, our hearts may pound harder and we may break into a sweat.

Normally we interpret these physical changes as anxiety and that we’re not coping very well.

But there is another way in which we can view these responses – that our body is energised and is preparing us to meet a challenge. That our pounding heart is preparing us for action. That our fast breathing is bringing more oxygen to our brain!

Participants in another study at Harvard University were told exactly this. They were taught to view their responses as helpful to their performance.

Well, they were less stressed out, less anxious and more confident!

But perhaps the most fascinating finding was how their physical stress response changed.

With a typical stress response, your heart rate goes up and your blood vessels restrict. This is one of the reasons why chronic stress is sometimes associated with cardiovascular disease. So it goes without saying that it’s not healthy to be in this state a long time.

The cardiovascular response in these participants, who viewed stress as helpful, was entirely different – their blood vessels remained relaxed!

Their heart was still pounding but it was a much healthier cardiovascular profile. In fact, it looked a lot like one that happens in moments of joy. And in moments of courage!

Over a life time of stressful events, this one biological change could be the difference between a stress induced heart attack at 50 and living healthily until 90.

And this is really what the new science of stress reveals. That how you think of stress matters.

So it’s not about getting rid of stress. It’s about getting better at it!

Now go off into the warmer months, hopefully packed with sunshine, and practice this new mindset.

One where you think of your stress response as your body getting ready to respond. That your body believes in you and equips you to deal with the stressful event! It’s getting you into peek performance mode!

Keep an eye out for my next blog as I’ll be sharing more gems about how stress actually helps us.

]]>http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/may-insight/feed/07 Steps to Lasting Happiness and Peace of Mindhttp://www.bemelifecoaching.com/7-steps-to-lasting-happiness-and-peace-of-mind/
http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/7-steps-to-lasting-happiness-and-peace-of-mind/#respondMon, 26 Mar 2018 06:47:14 +0000http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/?p=697I’m writing this as the snow is falling down outside my window. March is here, yet winter appears determined to hang around for a while longer! I must admit that I’m longing for the longer days and warmer temperatures. That

]]>I’m writing this as the snow is falling down outside my window. March is here, yet winter appears determined to hang around for a while longer!

I must admit that I’m longing for the longer days and warmer temperatures. That said, I’m a firm believer that our lives are made up of our present, so come rain or shine, light or darkness, it’s up to us to make it the best possible, using every little step along the way. If we have too much focus on the future, we miss the enjoyment of the present.

Which brings me onto the subject of happiness. Central to happiness is peace of mind – the confident knowledge that we are ok. Sounds simple perhaps, but for many not so easy to achieve.

This is partly because emotions are fleeting. They’re not a constant that, ones we’ve found them, are set and stable.

So what we need to do is to learn to effectively savour positive emotions. Notice them, appreciate them and focus on them. That’s when you’ll enjoy more stable happiness and peace of mind. The hit chaser runs around, often at the expense of ever really enjoying the good bits, because they’re on the run to the next one! Instead, stop and notice what’s good, fun and enjoyable along the way.

To achieve this, you might like to give my 7 Steps to Lasting Happiness and Peace of Mind a try. Here they are:

1. Enjoy the moment

The concept of mindfulness is about engaging fully with the reality of your life right now, giving each moment your full attention. This is a powerful way to avoid thoughts that tangle us in negativity and even depression. Techniques to help you with this include mediation, gratitude and deliberate focus on the people you enjoy having in your life (rather than those you are missing or who are somehow causing you upset).

2. Don’t try to be a psychic

We often have a tendency to imagine something happening in the future. We have a difficult conversation in our head before a meeting or event; we imagine how we’ll respond when the job promotion is turned down, when we argue with our spouse, when our friend lets us down. In our minds, we’re often quite vivid in our imaginations. We start to believe them and feel the emotions attached to these experiences. STOP and consider these three points:

We’re not psychic and our fantasies are probably way off the mark.

Our thoughts trigger emotions that make them feel true. But they are just thoughts. Nothing more.

Even if we get it right, we won’t feel any less pain or disappointment when the actual events happen. We’re just experiencing the discomfort for longer.

What an unnecessary way to interrupt our peace of mind, right?

3. Take responsibility & let go

A big happiness fighter is resentment. If you have relationships that have broken down, it’s important to look for the part you played in what happened. There’s a dynamic in all relationships, that both parties contribute to. Rather than blaming the other for their part, take responsibility for yours. This isn’t necessarily about forgiveness and certainly not about taking the ‘blame’, but rather empowers you away from the victim role, liberating you to let go and move on!

4. Let go of entitlement

When we feel inherently entitled, like it’s our birth right, to have something or be treated in a certain way, we leave ourselves vulnerable to negative emotions, such as disappointment and regret. We also set those around us, invariably those we love, up to fail (as they can’t read our minds). Moreover, when they do or give us the things we feel entitled to we don’t really enjoy the emotional benefits as we took them for granted even before they were given! Instead, adopt an attitude of gratitude and appreciation, accepting the gifts as gifts and have greater focus on those around us than ourselves.

5. Be grateful for people, not just things

It’s great, and valid, to be grateful for things. May that be the sunshine, beautiful nature or a brand new car. But the fact is, things simply don’t care about our gratitude! The sunshine won’t shine any brighter because you’re grateful for it. This is not true of people. People glow in gratitude. Saying thank you makes the other person happy and will strengthen the emotional bond. Gratitude feeds gratitude – so the chances are that we will glow in the reciprocal gratitude before long. With lots of positive emotions associated with feeling appreciated, feeling close to someone and feeling lucky (rather than entitled)!

6. Compliment others

Look out for opportunities to complement those around you, such as a job well done or a stranger’s beautiful scarf. Look them in the eye and say it with a smile. You’ll bring them joy, as well as yourself!

7. Smile!

One of my favourite things to do, and encourage others to! Here’s why: try feeling miserable whilst smiling. It’s very hard! Smiling is also contagious, and when someone smiles at you it’s very hard not to smile back. And your smile is not only contagious to those around you but also to yourself. When you’re smiling you activate the zygomatic muscle in your cheek, which signals to your brain that you’re happy. Which in turn encourages you to smile even more!

Off you go and enjoy spring with a spring in your steps!

PS. The picture above is one that, for me, equals being in the moment and feeling grateful and makes me smile every time I see it. It’s of my daughter and her grandmother having a peaceful moment, quite unaware of my presence behind them, along the gorgeous coast of Northern Ireland where we had an adventure together last summer.

]]>http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/7-steps-to-lasting-happiness-and-peace-of-mind/feed/0Achieve Your Dream Vision for 2018 How to stop the kinks in the road becoming roadblocks.http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/achieve-dream-vision-2018-stop-kinks-road-becoming-roadblocks/
http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/achieve-dream-vision-2018-stop-kinks-road-becoming-roadblocks/#respondTue, 23 Jan 2018 12:56:09 +0000http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/?p=694New Years Resolutions. We do them every year. And for most, they read pretty similar year on year. Because we never reach those dream destinations! So they’re in effect still available to dream about every New Years Eve. And to

New Years Resolutions. We do them every year. And for most, they read pretty similar year on year.

Because we never reach those dream destinations! So they’re in effect still available to dream about every New Years Eve. And to be frustrated about by the time February hits!

The determination and conviction that this year will be different that we feel after a few glasses of champagne on New Years Eve soon disappear into the busyness of everyday life that invariably returns early in January. Unwittingly we repeat the same mistakes year after year.

BUT by realising what these mistakes are we can take the control back and stop them before they hit! Read on to ensure your 2018 success!

Accept every day life will return soon into the New Year. When you return to work, when the kids go back to school, when the new course semester starts…. We can’t remain on the cloud of dreams and possibilities that we enjoy so much on New Years Eve forever. This, if dealt will well, is a really good thing. Because it’s only when we step off the cloud and start to realise the changes we desire in our real life, that our dreams really can come true.

Have clarity on what you want. Far too often are we very vague in our New Year Resolutions. We tell ourselves things like ‘this year will be great’, ‘I’ll make real improvements’, ‘I’ll have more fun this year.’ The problem with statements like these is that they’re far too vague. What does better, improvements and fun look like for you? If you don’t know exactly what you’re dream or vision looks like, you’re very unlikely to get to it.

Develop a plan on how to get to your dream. What decisions have to be made, what actions do you need to take as well as what you need to feel able to do, express and feel in order to reach them. Try to steer off any thoughts on the how. That’s when people commonly get stuck. You realise you need to be more assertive, feel able to say no, speak confidently to a crowd, apply for more jobs…. but as soon as you identify a what you counter that with looking for the how. And because this is new territory for you, you don’t immediately know the answer and then you let go of the dream, distracting yourself with your ever day busyness. Just like last year. Sounds familiar? So stay focused on the what. There’s plenty of time to figure out the how later.

Accept that no goal was ever achieved in a linear fashion. You’re most vulnerable of giving up on your New Year resolutions when you have a set back. So instead of losing momentum and giving up, tell yourself that a slip doesn’t need to become a fall. Instead, tell yourself ‘this was my wakeup call’. Consider what led up to the slip, learn from it and get back on track with a forward focus.

Add accountability. The easiest person in the world to let down is yourself. If only you know that you’re meant to be going to the gym, actively do Internet dating, remind yourself that you’re great every day, stop smoking, update your CV, whatever the case is, it’s no real pain attached to not doing it. You’ve not lost face. The problem is, the only person it actually pains, is (da da!) you! So avoid this by telling someone. Someone who will hold you accountable and that the pain of admitting your failings to would be greater than the pain of doing ‘it’.

Add fun to your vision. If your goal is too boring, you’re unlikely to stick with it, however much you know you want it. If you want to be more organised, fitter, to leave a bad relationship, make sure you include the positive feelings you’ll enjoy once you have accomplished these things. Maybe even reward yourself along the way, at set milestones, as well as at the goal completion.

I hope your awareness of these ‘road kinks’ will prevent them from turning into roadblocks.

]]>http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/achieve-dream-vision-2018-stop-kinks-road-becoming-roadblocks/feed/0Clarity and Visualisation to Boost Your Achievementshttp://www.bemelifecoaching.com/clarity-visualisation-boost-achievements/
http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/clarity-visualisation-boost-achievements/#respondTue, 21 Nov 2017 08:53:22 +0000http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/?p=690This month I’m turning my attention to some well established methods to create the reality we desire. Namely, clarity and visualisation with an added twist. Let’s start at the beginning of any successful growth or change process – being clear

This month I’m turning my attention to some well established methods to create the reality we desire. Namely, clarity and visualisation with an added twist.

Let’s start at the beginning of any successful growth or change process – being clear on what we want. This clarity is a major ingredient in personal success and wellbeing, yet too easily do we focus on what we don’t want, what’s gone wrong or what is missing. Making the growth or change we desire very difficult to achieve.

To instead turn your attention to what you do want and be really clear on what that looks like for you is incredibly empowering in implementing a positive reality for yourself. It allows you to find and start walking down the path towards the positive reality you desire rather than simply away from a negative one with no real idea of the best road away from it.

Then, once you have the clarity, to take it a step further and visualise the reality you’d love to be experiencing will increase your chances of making it your actual reality even more.

This is about vividly imagining what you’d like to enjoy – close your eyes, relax and internally see yourself doing the things you’d like to have or be capable of. The more detailed your visualisation the better, and the more you internally experience this ‘reality’, the stronger your memory of it becomes and so, the more chance you have of achieving it.

So to, in your mind’s eye, see yourself performing a certain skill, such as public speaking or a yoga position, something equally tangible like performing in a new job or enjoying a relationship or perhaps to really see the happier you with greater joy, confidence or balance across your life, will move you closer to being able to perform and manifest those skills.

Visualisation is not new. It is, indeed, a very well established method for making changes for the better, and has for many, given great results. However, more recently it’s been discovered that to utilise visualisation alone may actually reduce your chances of success rather than boost them.

This is caused by the finding that when we experience the success through our visualisation, it can diminish our drive and determination to actually implement what we want in reality. Outside our own heads.

One example of this was observed in individuals needing a hip replacement. The more positive a picture of the coming rehab they had, the slower the recovery was found to have been one year later. Another example was that the easier new graduates thought it would be to get a job after graduation, the lower their income was a year later.

The obstacle getting in the way of their progress was the fact that their positive fantasies induced the feeling that they already had achieved the goal. In other words, the reward is there already, reducing the need to actually achieve it. To actually put the work in.

So with very effective visualisations, we can get stuck in our own fantasies!

Yet, visualisation is so effective in so many ways. It gives us clarity on what we want increasing our chances of getting it manyfold, it reduces self doubt as it feels possible to achieve something that we’ve seen ourselves do and it can give us the motivation required to take the steps necessary to achieve what we desire.

So how do we overcome the risk attached to effective visualisation that, equally, has been found and proven?

Here comes the added twist to the traditional visualisation theories – we should also visualise the blockages and how we will overcome them.

The theory WOOP, developed by the Social Psychologist Gabriele Oettingen, offers a simple four step process on how to achieve this along with the all important clarity and visualisation techniques:

WISH – The thing you wish to achieve. Write it down and be specific and realistic, using as few words as possible, with a deadline if relevant and including its benefits (i.e. this is your clarity).

OBSTACLE – Identify the biggest barrier within yourself that may get in the way of you achieving the goal. Again using as few words as possible. Visualise this and really see what happens when it goes wrong.

PLAN – Increase your implementation intention by writing down what, how and when you’ll do something. Use the barriers in your plan and say, if this happens, I will…. and visualise what you’ll do then.

In a nutshell, ask yourself the simple but awaking question What is it that is holding me back from achieving my wish?, then identify how you’d deal with it if it happens and drastically increase your chances of making your wish come true.

Good luck and, as always, I’d love to hear about your progress and if you have any questions or thoughts they’re always welcome too.

]]>http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/clarity-visualisation-boost-achievements/feed/0Maximising Your Chances of Job Hunting Successhttp://www.bemelifecoaching.com/maximising-chances-job-hunting-success/
http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/maximising-chances-job-hunting-success/#respondTue, 26 Sep 2017 08:12:06 +0000http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/?p=652Autumn is traditionally a very popular time of year to look for a new job. Often because we’ve had a chance over the summer break to evaluate what we want. Also, employers frequently hold off on new recruitment initiatives until

Autumn is traditionally a very popular time of year to look for a new job.

Often because we’ve had a chance over the summer break to evaluate what we want.

Also, employers frequently hold off on new recruitment initiatives until schools are back and the majority of people have returned from what might be their longest break of the year.

So lots of opportunities are around in the autumn. And if you feel ready to take the next step and want to make the most of the opportunities out there, read on as I’ll share some reflections on experiences of clients over the years who eventually got their dream jobs.

But they could have done so much quicker and with much more enjoyment along the way!

There are two obstacle points that commonly appear and make the process not just longer, but also much more challenging to get through. Both of which can be avoided with a little bit of awareness and preparation! They are:

1. Not applying for the job in the first place!

This is not about getting into the interview room but to get the actual applications out there to even be considered.

It’s so easy for time to fly and suddenly another week, month or even year has gone by and you’re no closer to achieving that dream of a new job!

But not because the CV is poor, your experiences are not right or nerves got in the way at the interview. But simply because you never put yourself in the ring as a contender in the first place.

Yet, you really do want a new job!

2. Applying but feeling unable to get that much desired job offer.

Maybe a couple of applications were submitted and then you gave up. Or you’ve kept going and the list of applications feels endless… This is likely to drain your motivation and your confidence and self belief. Which eventually may reduce the number and quality of applications and therefore your chances of getting to the end goal – that great job!

In either case, it’s easy to make things worse by beating yourself up, feeling like a failure and like you should simply be able to “get over yourself” and get on with it.

My experience tells me that this is not only ineffective in terms of actually “getting on with it” but also wholly unfair to yourself!

Because your own personal strength in this process is present even when you don’t see it, and contrary to how it often feels when we’re in the process of applying for jobs, YOU can make sure your self belief is left intact and your chances of success are maximised. Even in a tough job market.

You do, however, need to find a way to firstly acknowledge this and then utilise it fully. And the only way you can do so is by raising your awareness of the unhelpful things you tell yourself, which, if left unchecked, act as powerful barriers. Resulting in the points above – avoidance of applying for jobs or a diminished motivation and even self-confidence when success is not found quickly.

Let’s have a look at some common examples:

– If I apply I run the risk of being rejected.

True of course. But remember that it’s rarely that personal. Someone else simply had more matching experience. Or aced their performance on that particular day. Or even reminded the panel chair of someone they really like (a well known bias in interviews). The important point is to be aware that none of these reasons are about YOU. Don’t make it more personal than it needs to be. One day you’ll be the one who hits the right buttons or remind the panel of that colleague they all love and miss…. Sadly perhaps, the interview process is no more scientific than that!

– Starting a new job means entering the unknown.

Also true of course. However, the unknown is not equal to actual danger. Even if it feels like it.

Be honest with yourself. What could be lurking midst the unknown in the worst case scenario? Not a life threatening issue, right? Probably more likely to be about disliking the role, the organisation or the people? So perhaps not dissimilar to the reasons you’re looking for a new role now? And after all, if you don’t end up enjoying it you can leave. And by that time you’ve already proven that it’s possible. As you will have successfully landed the role you then look to move away from. That will leave you way better armed for the next round of job hunting.

And besides, the chances are really good that you’ll enjoy it!

– There are others that are way more suited for the job than me.

This is particularly common for those who want to change career or sector, or are at the beginning of their careers.

And of course, in these instances, this barrier is likely to be true also.

However, there’s ALWAYS someone more experienced or, on paper, better suited for a role.

Even established champions lose – this summer Andy Murray left Wimbledon in the quarter finals and only last month, Usain Bolt lost his final individual race. Their opponents wouldn’t have achieved their wins if they only focused on the champions track records, rather than on what they themselves had to offer. And certainly, both Murray and Bolt are still admired and recognised for their successes.

Comparing yourself to others, and particularly fictional others as in the case of hypothetical applicants, will never get you to the confident place you need to be.

Knowing and focusing on what you have to offer, rather than what someone else might be able to that you feel you can’t, allow you to see and get across the value YOU would add. Only then can you put the spotlight on the things you want to highlight and trust in yourself, and then communicate and convince the panel of.

Self doubt or fears (such as those above) means you feel a sense of overwhelm or dread.

When this happens you’re likely to get that across to the recruiter.

If you find you often enter recruiting organisations and get a negative vibe you may be projecting your own feelings onto the people you meet.

Or your own nerves get in the way of your thinking and ability to answer questions in the best way.

The key here is to shift your mindset BEFORE you get to the interview.

Try using affirmations in the weeks or days running up to an interview that help you get the right focus.

Perhaps

“I deserve to get this opportunity.”

Or

“I’d make a real difference to any organisation.”

Or

“They’d be lucky to have me.”

Make them relevant to you and then repeat them. Use them to interrupt yourself when self doubt creeps in and have them available and visible for regular impromptu reminders.

Also, remember the power of your body language. On those around you, but also importantly, on yourself. Smile, hold you head high, maintain eye contact. They’re all proven to have a positive impact, both on your own self belief as well as on the impression you make on those around you.

I’ve seen all of these being experienced by clients. And I’ve seen the power and positivity when they’ve overcome them. Same person, same experience, same abilities – just a different mindset making it all a much more enjoyable and fruitful experience!

]]>http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/maximising-chances-job-hunting-success/feed/0Using Gratitude to Quit Worryinghttp://www.bemelifecoaching.com/using-gratitude-quit-worrying/
http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/using-gratitude-quit-worrying/#respondTue, 26 Sep 2017 08:06:56 +0000http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/?p=649This month I’m writing from my new, temporary home. Because I’ve taken myself, my family and my work to the beautiful place that is Northern Ireland for a couple of months. It is truly lovely to experience the rugged nature

]]>This month I’m writing from my new, temporary home. Because I’ve taken myself, my family and my work to the beautiful place that is Northern Ireland for a couple of months.

It is truly lovely to experience the rugged nature of the north coast and its friendly and welcoming people. That said, the uncertainty ahead of the trip and the unknown that awaited us all, at times felt quite challenging.

Of course, diving into the unknown is rarely comfortable. Yet it so often results in our biggest growth and positive developments.

That’s all well and good to know intellectually, but it doesn’t necessarily make is any easier to dive into and embrace the uncertainty! May that be a change of home, work, relationship or any other significant part of our lives.

Having just been through a pretty long period of uncertainty, today I’m reflecting on the power of being thankful. To notice the things in our lives for which we are grateful and really experience the joy that gives us.

Because when we go through a period of uncertainty, gratitude is an amazing antidote to the anxiety and worry that otherwise can set in.

The same goes for other challenging times, such as periods of bad luck, personal or professional set backs or any kind of disappointments.

Focus on the things you feel are uncontrollable, annoying or unfair and all you see and experience are their presence.

Instead, notice the things to be grateful for and the uncomfortable emotions are mitigated – reduced or prevented from growing too big in the first place.

And, of course, many of the things you may notice and enjoy in easy times are still just a present during the more challenging ones.

May that be the first cup of tea in the morning, holding your child’s hand, cuddling your pet, feeling the love and support from a good friend, partner or parent. The potential list is endless! Whatever it is that is important to you, stop and notice it. Both the large and the little.

Acknowledging them really makes a difference to our happiness and life satisfaction on a bigger scale than in just the moment when you notice something you’re thankful for.

If you’re like me and like a degree of evidence before you buy into a notion, the good news is that I don’t just base this on my own observations and experiences. There’s plenty of scientific evidence for the power of gratitude too.

Which brings me onto the major researcher, Dr Robert A Emmons, who called gratitude ‘the hidden factor in happiness’.

He found that grateful people experience reduced stress and depression whilst enjoying higher levels of positive emotions, life satisfaction, vitality and optimism. So, by practising grateful thinking you can reduce your stress levels and take control of your happiness levels.

Because all these thankful moments add up to hours, days, months and your reality!

Importantly, grateful people are less focused on the internal, and more on the interpersonal. They define their success less in terms of materialism and more by the quality of their relationships.

And people glow in gratitude. Saying thank you makes the other person happy and will strengthen the emotional bond. Gratitude feeds gratitude – so the chances are that we will glow in the reciprocal gratitude before long. With lots of positive emotions associated with feeling appreciated, feeling close to someone and feeling lucky (rather than entitled)!

So how could increased gratitude benefit you and those you care for?

Listen to yourself and think of options where you could say thank you, smile and look for the reasons you’re lucky or fortunate.

This isn’t about denying that there are difficulties, unfairness and ills around at times, but it involves encouraging more of what we want to have and experience rather what we don’t want. Because what we focus on we get more of!

Send out ripples and who knows how far they’ll reach, and in what ways they’ll be returned. And who knows what new waters you’ll dare to enter as a result too.

Hopefully you and the people around you will soon glow in gratitude as well as sunshine this summer!

]]>http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/using-gratitude-quit-worrying/feed/0Making May Our Month of Mindfulnesshttp://www.bemelifecoaching.com/making-may-month-mindfulness/
http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/making-may-month-mindfulness/#respondTue, 09 May 2017 09:05:04 +0000http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/?p=644In my first newsletter out this year I mentioned how I utilised mindfulness as part of staying positive and confident with peace of mind during my recent maternity leave. You may recall, I mentioned that I used running as a

]]>In my first newsletter out this year I mentioned how I utilised mindfulness as part of staying positive and confident with peace of mind during my recent maternity leave.

You may recall, I mentioned that I used running as a new approach to fitting in mindfulness into my busy schedule. Not surprisingly, my schedule hasn’t become less busy now that I’m back at work and these runs are still as helpful now as they were then.

Because they allow me to find a different way to practice mindfulness through deliberate focuses during some of my runs.

I usually run with music in my ears, but during these runs I enjoy focusing on deliberately listening to all the sounds around me, feeling how the different parts of my body responds to the physical exercise, noticing the wind in my hair and against my face.… Never have I been more aware of the arrival of spring and the birds signing all around me as during these runs in recent weeks.

I hadn’t heard of this option of mindfulness practice before, and as so often is true, I made the discovery thanks to a personal challenge at the time.

As Albert Einstein once said, “in the middle of a difficulty lies opportunity”.

So true and on this occasion it was about the fact that a very upsetting incident happened half way through last year. For weeks afterwards I found myself dwelling on it during my runs. I had imaginary conversations in my mind and felt quite drained by the negative focus that this resulted in throughout my runs.

The incident was a particularly stressful one, and it wasn’t until I went on our first family holiday since my little boy arrived in 2015 that I found a much less painful mindset where my focus was that of positivity and gratitude, which I usually have.

After our return from holiday, I suddenly I realised I hadn’t run for over a month. This isn’t like me, and when I scrutinised what was happening I realised the running had become associated with the upset. It’d become my space to think and the thinking had turned into unhelpful ruminating.

The challenging situation I’d found myself in, along with this realisation a few weeks later, together worked to open up my creative thinking, resulting in my discovery of the ‘mindful runs’.

And they turned out to be so liberating, not only preventing the negative dwelling but also in me reclaiming my runs. Which are really important to me!

Plus it gave me the new method for my mindfulness practice of course. Which really works! Give it a try and if running isn’t your thing, try it during a nice walk or perhaps pop down to the local swimming pool and test it out during some lengths.

And in terms of the upsetting incident of last year, I’ve reshaped my thinking and put it where it belongs – in the past. In fact, I’ve literally taken a leaf out of my own book where I write:

“How your respond to events is what shapes your experiences, not the events themselves. Taking responsibility for your own view of the world and your responses to the events in it will allow you much greater control over outcomes than you may currently realise you have.”

I certainly enjoy having taken the control back and remember you can too when difficulties come your way.

So let’s make May our month of mindfulness to stay centred, calm and present. Add some gratitude and an open mind to the mix and the world is our oyster!

PS. Just ping me an email if you’d like your own signed copy of my book What’s Your Excuse for Not Being More Confident? and my reliable postal service will get on the case!

]]>http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/making-may-month-mindfulness/feed/0Spring Clean Your Mindsethttp://www.bemelifecoaching.com/spring-clean-mindset/
http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/spring-clean-mindset/#respondTue, 11 Apr 2017 08:53:46 +0000http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/?p=641Our mindset determines not only our mood but also how we perceive ourselves, those around us and the events we are part of. Whether we face challenges or easier times, our actual experiences of them will be very different depending

]]>Our mindset determines not only our mood but also how we perceive ourselves, those around us and the events we are part of.

Whether we face challenges or easier times, our actual experiences of them will be very different depending on our mindset.

So if we feel positive, calm and trusting of ourselves and the likely outcomes of the situations we’re in, this will to a large part be down to ourselves and our attitudes. Not simply down to luck or even our abilities.

So, by extension, whether we enjoy a feeling of success or not, is to a large part a creation of our own minds.

And during the 10 years that I’ve coached individuals, I’ve come to notice that confidence is the single most important factor in a winning mindset.

Over and over again I’ve seen that when confidence is lacking, our actual abilities and ambitions too easily get lost, our perception of ourselves becomes flawed, and we stop giving ourselves the credit we deserve.

Whether at work, socially, in our relationships, sports, as parents or indeed anywhere that matters to us.

The important point is that if you are stumbling in any area of your life that matters to you, then a spring clean of your mindset with an added dose of confidence is likely to get you back on track, and then ahead.

Because confidence allows you to be more you, and to be the best version of you.

Let’s look at this briefly. Confident people tend to be more optimistically minded, which results in them not only making the most of opportunities but also in them expecting a positive outcome, which increases the likelihood of that outcome materialising. And, importantly, their confidence allows them to enjoy the process more. So a real three-way win – with confidence you take more chances, enjoy taking them and enjoy more frequent success!

Imagine the relief of just knowing that whatever happens and whatever the outcome you’ll be fine, and that if you don’t get the results you hoped for you’ll be able to handle it and find a different way to get there.

A common barrier for people enjoying this reality, is the need to understand and control what happens in their lives.

Certainly the need to control is such a common and big drainer of a confident and peaceful mindset.

Because the truth is that life is unpredictable and by trying to control things we can easily end up increasing rather than decreasing our anxiety levels. This happens when you are trying to remain within your comfort zone because, though the comfort zone can be helpful and feel safe, when it keeps you stuck it’s in fact very far from comfortable or helpful.

Therefore, if this is happening in your life, your comfort zone is currently supporting your lack of confidence and in order to grow and develop your confidence, you need to push the boundaries of that zone.

This can often be easier said than done, so here are some easy to apply tips on how to find the courage to step outside your comfort zone.

Be honest – You might be living healthily and in accordance with your values in many ways, but chances are, deep down, you know that there are some things you should change, things which are adversely affecting your confidence levels. Be honest with yourself and allow yourself to acknowledge what these things are.

Focus your efforts – Zero in on the behaviour that you would like to change. For example, if you’re stuck and tend to say no to new experiences because you’re worried you won’t be good enough, then make it part of your daily routine to list experiences you’d like to try, look out for opportunities coming your way and say yes more often. Being specific and deliberately focusing on saying yes is a lot more enabling than just deciding to try new things. Which new behaviours will benefit your confidence levels and how will you start to practise these?

Incentivise yourself – Make a list of all the good reasons to break an unhelpful habit and use this to incentivise yourself whenever you feel scared, insecure or like giving up. For instance, a better social life or greater achievements at work, which your current tendency to say no might be preventing. These would be real and very attractive benefits to feed your confidence – great incentives! What are your strongest and most compelling incentives?

Do something! – Set yourself up for success by taking immediate action. However small the first step, do it, and you’ll find it leads to further actions as you build up momentum and your confidence grows.

Congratulate yourself – Take every opportunity to look out for nice and good things you are doing and make a point of acknowledging them. Say to yourself, ‘What a kind thing to say’ (rather than ‘ah, that was nothing’), ‘Didn’t I do well not giving up in those circumstances’ (rather than ‘how rubbish was I at that’), or ‘I managed to fit in 30 minutes on the treadmill’ (rather than ‘I’m so rubbish, I should have done a 1 hour workout’).

Enlist backup – Tell someone you trust what it is you intend to achieve. Not only can they help you recognise when you’re slipping, but you’re also much less likely to slip in the first place as you might lose face if you fail! Accountability can be key to staying on track or to recognising when you are straying from the path to success. Don’t allow a fear of failure to prevent you from sharing your intentions! To whom will you tell your plans and intentions?

Record your achievements – Keep careful notes of your progress and achievements and the benefits you are experiencing. Progress is a very effective incentive to keep going.

Persevere – If you slip up, perhaps because you feel overly nervous, you’re too hard on yourself or you let your insecurities stop you from doing something, don’t be tempted to throw in the towel. Just get back on track and keep going. Failure is only a reality when you stop trying.

These tips are an extract from my book What’s Your Excuse for Not Being More Confident? Drop me a line if you’d like a signed copy of the book or if you have any questions around how create your confident mindset.

]]>http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/spring-clean-mindset/feed/0Making March Our Month of Gratitudehttp://www.bemelifecoaching.com/making-march-month-gratitude/
http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/making-march-month-gratitude/#respondThu, 02 Mar 2017 12:06:00 +0000http://www.bemelifecoaching.com/?p=636I’m starting the month of March enjoying the glow from my amazing week across London last week. Thank you to everyone who was able to join me at one or more of my events. The Monday night book launch at

]]>I’m starting the month of March enjoying the glow from my amazing week across London last week. Thank you to everyone who was able to join me at one or more of my events. The Monday night book launch at Waterstones Kensington was amazing and the rest of the week’s workshops, talks and one to one coaching so inspiring and rewarding.

Big thank you also for the lovely messages in emails and across social media in connection with all the activities. It means the world to hear what a difference both my book, talks and individual coaching are making.

You’ve probability heard me talk about the benefits of gratitude before, and right now it’s really easy for me to live as I preach! Which is really very enjoyable and the positive effects so quickly materialise themselves.

Because when we feel genuinely grateful for people, events and circumstances around us, we start to feel lucky and fortunate. Not many things beat those feelings as we increasingly notice what’s positive and fortuitous in our lives, rather than focus on what’s unfortunate, unfair or simply annoying which is an easy trap to fall into.

We also spread that positivity around us, and as someone pointed out in one of my talks last week, when we give thanks and compliments, we tend to receive them back in return. Which of course is very enjoyable!

Do note though that the main point of gratitude isn’t to get it back, as this as the sole motivator would render it disingenuous and the benefits would evaporate. However, when we demonstrate genuine gratitude it does tend to kick off a positive, reciprocal cycle which benefits not only ourselves but those around us as well. Scientifically, this is about the fact that arguably the biggest happiness predictor that exists is the quality of our relationships, and when we show our appreciation to others it strengthens our relationships and social connections.

The gratitude boost also compliments my pledge for 2017, which is to spread as much confidence as I possibly can. The release of my book along with all the events last week created the perfect platform for this, and now I can’t wait to continue the momentum many of you who I met last week have already started and many more hopefully will too.