Monday, June 28, 2010

I Am The Means

"Falling down is so much easier now that you are there too catch me."

That just popped into my head. I don't know what it is. I doubt it's true. Who am I talking to? A significant other? No way. God? Doubtful. I know God is there, but we don't have that kind of relationship. So. Who is this being of my subconscious? I'd love to know.

"So what if I'm a puppet? Once upon at time...You were too!"

This is a movie quote that often pops in my head. Perhaps because I identify with it. I feel as though I am a puppet. A puppet of my own subconscious, undeniable, instinctual ulterior motives. I tell myself not to manipulate those I love, but then--undoubtedly--at some point I realize that I did, just so I could get to the position I am enjoying. I discussed this with a friend and told her I was dirty because of it. She said that wasn't true, but if I truly felt that way then I should change. I said it was impossible because I have tried and failed many times. I told her it was a reflex. What I should have told her was that I couldn't change because I wasn't in control.

Because I am a puppet.

To what end?

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Kellan's graduation (from high school and basic training) party is next Saturday. I am debating if I would rather go and grin and bear it or not go and grin and bear it. Either way I am not comfortable, but which is more bearable?

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Dear College Life,

I know everyone says that high school years are the best years of one's life, but that's only because not everyone goes to college, right. College years are really the best years of one's life, right? Well, could you please provide a more answers to questions ratio than high school did? Okay thanks.