A Piece of Your Mind

Vent your spleen. Have your say. Give us both barrels. Let us know what you really think. Such sentiments towards my kind are entirely understandable and they invariably occur post discard and sometimes post escape. There are differing rationales associated with this almost overwhelming need to speak to us about your experience of being entangled with our kind.

1. Anger. You realise how you have been manipulated, abused and taken for a fool. Your anger is substantial and you feel a pressing need to unleash that anger against us with a litany of insults and some choice language.

2. Enlightenment. You have had your epiphany and realised precisely what ensnared you, how it happened and why. You have seized this knowledge and now feel elated that you have done so. There is a sense of superiority in finally having all the pieces of the puzzle click into place and you want to confront us. You may not actually tell us what we are but you will certainly want to use the words, “I know what you are now.”

3. Unfinished Business Part One. Nearly all discards occur without you being told that the Formal Relationship is over and if you are given such notice you are rarely given any proper or adequate explanation as to why this has happened. This results in the need to confront us at a later stage in order to try to find out why what has happened, has happened.

4. Unfinished Business Part Two. This is akin to the situation above but the basis of this confrontation is in order to demand of us how we could do what we did and address your need to have us explain ourselves for what we did during the relationship.

5. To Understand. You do not know what you were entangled with and you are unable to comprehend how somebody could behave in that manner towards you after everything that you did for us. This tirade details all of the help you gave us, the advantages that you conferred on us and each and every thing you did for us in the name of love.

6. Clear the Smear. Predictably enough, you will have been smeared following your entanglement with us. You have heard all about the lies that have been peddled about you and you want to set us straight about how those comments were wrong, that you did not behave in the manner which we have described to other people and ultimately how you need to clear your name.

7. The Right to Be Heard. You have a significant desire to want to be heard, especially as our manipulation of you will have caused you to feel that you have not been listened to during the Formal Relationship. You want your voice to be heard, you need to articulate your thoughts and feelings and an opportunity to avail yourself of discharging this need is too good to pass up.

8. Convey the Pain. You remain horrendously wounded by your experience of being entangled with us and you want to let us know how badly we hurt you, how much it pains you still and how upset you are to have been treated this way.

9. Sing the Praises. Sometimes you exhibit a capacity for nobility which manages to transcend the hurt, the pain and the anger. You remain bewitched by the golden period and all those magnificent attributes that you believe we still possess and therefore rather than attack us, expound bitterness or lash out, you declare all the reasons why you still love us, why you find us mesmerising despite what has happened and you wish us well for the future.

10. Justice. It is only right that are given the right of reply to the treatment that has been meted out against you.

11. Medicine. You put up with the tantrums, the lengthy invectives, the oral onslaughts and you were pummelled by our words. Now it is the time to give us a taste of our own medicine.

Whatever the motivation may be, your need and desire to have that final confrontation with us, to purge yourself of all those thoughts and considerations is huge and is very difficult for you to resist. Indeed, most of the time you do not resist it at all, instead you look to engineer situations whereby you are able to speak to us and deliver this tirade, this riposte, this howitzer. You will seek us out in order to provide us with a piece of your mind. Is this a good thing? Well, there are two potential upsides when this is looked at from your perspective. The first is that you are able to get things off your chest. All those thoughts which have whirled around your mind for weeks on end, the ifs and buts which prevented you from sleeping, the imponderables and the unanswered have been released as you allow your words to explode from you in an outburst of emotion applicable to whichever rationale which has driven you to this point. The second is that you may well feel that you have achieved some kind of closure by engaging in this step of giving us a piece of your mind.

But what about our perspective on all of this? What does this blast, this sounding off and this diatribe mean to us? This is where giving a piece of your mind in such a manner is actually not a good thing for you to do. Why is this?

1. Sounding off in such an emotional manner, whether it is insulting us with angry words, crying with pain, savagely mauling us with a sneering and twisted face or even expressing how you still love us, just provides us with fuel and it is plentiful. You may have collared us on the telephone to vent at us. Anybody normal would end the call as they are repeatedly harangued and insulted, but not us, we will listen as we soak up all that fuel. Yes, we will be argumentative, defensive and belligerent but that is just to keep your tirade going owing to the plentiful fuel you are providing to us.

2. This is a prime opportunity for us to hoover you. If we see you are angry, we may express false contrition, if you are hurt and upset we may declare how we will make changes so everything is right, if you reminisce about our wonderful times we will offer that golden period again to you. You are giving us a glorious opportunity to hoover you and in your heightened emotional state there is a good chance this will succeed.

3. If we do not hoover at this point, you have just given us several reasons to execute a hoover at a later juncture by confirming to us that you remain adrift in the emotional state, you are fountaining with fuel and still beholden to us. The signs are good and it all points to a successful hoover in the near future.

4. You confirm to us that you have failed to grasp the logic and reason of the situation and therefore your defences are weak. This means that further manipulations can be used and they will prove effective in terms of fuel and control.

5. We take no notice of what you are actually saying. You may think that your speech is devastating, that you are landing telling blows on us, that you are assassinating our character and making us look terrible. You are not. You are playing into our hands. We are laughing at you inside.

6. You are confirming that we continue to have considerable control over you. We may be busy with a new primary source but this confirmation acts as a green light to further unleashing of manipulations against you because you are not able to let go.

The temptation to give us a piece of your mind is vast and overwhelming but if done in the usual emotional fashion of the typical empathic individual you are just giving us more of what we want, failing to hurt us and extending your own entanglement with us.

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8 thoughts on “A Piece of Your Mind”

HG… I’m 3 years post discard. My Narc was my perfect thing for 4 years… she talked me, manipulated me into the divorce I didn’t really want to be with her… to then discard me immediately for a former supply from her youth as soon as the paperwork was complete.
She smeared me and set her ex( before me) to ensnare me.. But he ‘jumped ship’ and we became close.
I’m guessing you can imagine the rage when that happened?
It’s fair to say, she was so vile, I wanted to die… But eventually, I got enough information from this former supply to start piecing the lies and games together.
I DID rage about her, telling exactly what I thought of her games .. outing as many of the lies as I could… But I sent it to the NEW ( youth ) supply and not her!
She knew about the message but he hid it from her because it was ‘so evil’.
She continued tormenting and attempting to hoover me ( in subtle, no risk to herself ways) for 2 years.
Eventually, when she discarded that supply for a newer model, he sent her my message saying… this message now makes sense to me ( he wanted to hurt her at this point!) .
Some time later , we made contact and are now close…
So that’s me … On good terms with the former and subsequent supply !

Since reading my message and seeing just how much of her I actually CAN see… and probably realising that given a chance I’d watch her drown and view it as a service to humanity…
she stalked me one last time outside my house ( that I know about) and has left me the hell alone for the last year.

Everything you write , I feel that you are writing about my ex husband ! Only now I am beggining to understand what have been going on in my life with him during 10 years since I began to read about NPD recently !
Please teach me how to break him, how to weaken him , especial now that he is doing everything he can to destroy me and take away our house from me in court, we have a 7 year old daughter , but all he cares is to come back to me and be loved as before ! I want to win him and I want to turn tables on him , and only you can teach me how HG .

This is helpful because I always want to give a piece of my mind to that piece of shit but being reminded that it means nothing and gets me nowhere is keeping me from lashing out when it will only get me more cruel and hurtful responses back. My ex-husband was cheating while I was battling cancer and is still with the girl a year later and I am still so pissed and so hurt and so full of hatred I never even knew was possible to feel. Especially since I am still fighting this dreadful disease and he is off with the girl he had been chasing for years during our marriage and he got her by getting sympathy from her by telling her lies that he was taking care of me and I appreciated nothing.

Hey all . . . I ended up doing this through a barrage of text messages. Of course, I was insulted, again, as well. I do not recommend this as if u ever have to get a restraining order or other legal entanglements the texts will be used against YOU. If you can, pretend he or she is sitting in a chair. Have a baseball bat handy. Visualize as you scream like a sailor at him/her everything you want to get off ur mind, get in touch with ur emotions and lash out. It worked for me . . . so far I have had to do it twice . . . and I did not give him the satisfaction/FUEL.
I have learned from HG, 1) prepare in advance for my discarding of him, 2) told him in a text NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN, 3) blocked him, 4) got a restraining order becuz he stalked me 3 times in 10 day period, 5) chalked up the experience as not a bad one or a good one, no judgment and 6) learn the red flags so it never happens again.
He will never get to me again. The best part? I feel like I am regaining, although it’s slow progress, myself. I feel slightly less depressed and I THINK LESS AND LESS ABOUT HIM. Becuz I used to think about him all day long, longed for him, cried a lot

Anybody normal would end the call as they are repeatedly harangued and insulted, but not us, we will listen as we soak up all that fuel. Yes, we will be argumentative, defensive and belligerent but that is just to keep your tirade going owing to the plentiful fuel you are providing to us.

I can also add to this….any normal person who is truly avoiding you and does not want to hear anything from you say through email….would delete the email address and even if filters are available I know how to get around filters. Simply create a new email. Anyways a normal person because of the reasons would delete the email address you have access to. But they won’t because they love to read the emails. Also they love the opportunity to reject by ignoring you. Same goes for phone number but I never had the nerve to call his number without his permission. I’m not that rude and biligerant. I’m fact once I asked him to please delete that dang email address and he would never hear from me again. But it’s been few years now and he still had it. Anyways. Thank God I have finally stopped reaching out to him anymore. I have no Desiree anymore. But it took me soooo long…wonder if he misses his fan mail. Oh well….Im bored of it now. Have been for awhile and I no longer expect any answers from him nor do I really care to. I know it will never happen. Thanks to HG!