Being cooped up in a car with someone for 10 hours or stuck on a cruise
ship with them for 10 days, may test the boundaries of your friendship real
fast.

Over the years, I have put together some hard and fast rules
about traveling with others. The way I look at it, we spend a year or two
sometimes, scrimping and saving every extra nickel and dime so we can take a
trip together with our kids and sometimes without the kids. So I am not
allowing anyone to hijack our vacation.

Feel free to use these rules yourself:

1.We are
not sharing anything. That means a house, a condo, a hotel room or a car.
We learned this one the hard way. We don’t share accommodations because when my
kids go to bed I don’t want to deal with yours. Once my kids fall asleep I want
to relax with a nice glass of wine. I don’t want your overtired kids running
around crying, irritating me. Simply put, I also want to be able to come home
from an amusement park or long day at the mall, take off my bra and walk around
in my nightdress or nothing (if there are no kids). I don’t want to feel like I
can’t unwind after a long hot day in the sun. I also don’t want to have to tip
toe around if you go to bed early or sleep in late. I definitely don’t want
someone knocking on the bathroom door asking me how long I am going to be!

Sharing accommodations may save a few bucks
but it will cost you your sanity in the end. Now I know what you’re saying. “I
agree with not sharing accommodations but come on we can’t share a car!” No we
can’t. If we get up in the morning and decide we are heading to IHop for
breakfast, going for a drive or just want to spend time together, I don’t want
to ask anyone if it’s ok for me to use the car I paid to rent. Or if we decide to sleep late I don’t want
someone knocking on our door saying they want the car and then we are without
one all day. I certainly don’t want to have to stand in a parking lot and
“compromise” on where we are going, how long we are staying or when we are
coming home. The solution; rent your own accommodations and your own car. We
will meet up with you at some point.

2.I am not
babysitting for you. I learned this one the hard way when a couple we were
travelling with asked me if I could take their daughter to the pool with my
kids while they were getting ready. Two hours later, they still had not shown
up and the kid did not want to swim in the pool that my kids were in and kept
running to a bigger pool. So I spent the morning chasing this kid leaving my
kids unattended at the other pool. When I finally came to my senses and dragged
the kid back to her room, the parents were still in bed because “They were not
feeling well.” It was the third time
they pulled this one on me. So I put this rule in effect. I tell people up front,
it is great that our kids can hang out together, but I am not babysitting, not
for an hour, a minute or a second. I came on this trip to spend time with my
kids not yours and I am not being responsible for someone else’s kids.

3.I am not
lending you money. When any family is traveling budgets are tight. Food and
eating out take up a big part of your budget and we have to watch every dime.
So every $20 I lend you I have to take away from my vacation and I am simply
not doing it. Now if you get mugged or you lose your wallet then I will help
you out but don’t look at me in a restaurant and say “You get this bill and
I’ll get the next one.” Because that never works out. Pay for your own meals
and I’ll pay for mine.

4.Your
agenda is not my agenda. If we want to go see a show or a concert and you
don’t, do not expect us to cancel our plans. Why, would you? If we want to go
to an amusement park five days in a row, don’t look at me and say “I am sick of
the parks we are doing something else.” Go do it and we can meet up for drink
later. Don’t pick out a list of shows, restaurants and malls you want to go to
and expect me to stick to your schedule and don’t criticize me if I want to go
shopping several days in a row. Do your own thing and meet up later.

5.I am not
dumbing down my vacation for you. We once traveled with a couple who kept
saying “We can’t afford that restaurant, why can’t we go to McDonalds, and we
don’t want to spend that much on a hotel,
let’s get one a few miles away from the beach, it’s cheaper.” No way, no how! I
can eat McDonalds at home and I came for the beach.

I don’t mind saving a few bucks and I don’t
even mind going to McDonalds when we are on the run, but I am not eating there
every night to save money. I am also not staying in some flea bag $35 a night
motel to save money. When I am traveling, especially with the kids, I want a
hotel that’s close to everything and has security. A $35 a night does not offer
security or clean beds.

I know what you’re thinking “She’s brilliant or she’s a
bitch.” Maybe, but I am a brilliant bitch that’s going to have a great
vacation! The bottom line is you don’t save your money all year round to take a
vacation then let someone else hijack it. It’s ok to speak up and say thanks
but no thanks.

Having said that we have had some amazing vacations with
friends. Once you respect each other’s boundaries, it is really fun to have them
around. The secret is sit down with those friends beforehand and say “These are
the things we are going to do on this vacation if you want to come great, but
if you’re not interested that’s great too.” Plan to meet for breakfast before you
start out, meet for supper at the end of the day or meet for a drink when you
all get back.” Chances are if they are close friends they will want to see most
of the shows and events you want to see.

Don’t get miffed if your friends don’t want to go to every
show and restaurant you want to. They may have dietary restrictions. For example,
my son has a life threatening allergy to all nuts so we are not eating in a Chinese
restaurant where they may or may not use peanut oil.

Like I said, you save your money all year round and use your
precious vacation days to spend time with your family, not to be at
someone else’s beckon call. Don’t feel bad about saying “Thanks but no thanks.
We’ll meet up with you later.

I am Funny Like That

Helen C. Escott retired from the world renowned Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) in 2014 as the Senior Communications Strategist for Newfoundland and Labrador. Before joining the RCMP she worked in the media for 13 years (OZ FM/ VOCM/ CJYQ) in various positions including reporter, on-air personality, marketing and promotions.

In Retirement, Escott writes a blog called “I am Funny Like That” and has over 123,000 readers worldwide. Now this hysterical blog has come to life a witty book! It ranked on Amazon’s bestsellers list as #6 in Kindle Store and #20 in Books.

Escott has a unique perspective on life and a funny way of looking at it. From wearing granny panties to Brazilians to capturing the essence of a moment in a person’s life. Escott will make you laugh out loud and feel better about yourself. She is the best friend you have always wanted and the life of the party. You will be glad you invited her into your life.

If you have thrown your back out taking off Spanx, planned your husband's murder in your head or screamed through a Brazilian, this book is for you.

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