Take it down a notch, Valentine

Here’s something chocolatey and full of cream to go with the Mahogany card I bought you.

If you’re reading this site, then chances are that you’re trying to ignore that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Perhaps you call it Single Awareness Day. Or that you’re up a creek because you forgot to buy anything and all that’s left in stores now are the Hallmark Mahogany line and Easter candy.

Relax. I’m not saying that you’re overacting or that this is somehow all your fault for not being lovable. It isn’t. Valentine’s should be a simple day of expressing care, not necessarily balls-out romantic love in the form of extravagant gifts that require feeding and walks.

So, who is to blame? These assholes.

Guy who’s proposing on Valentine’s Day

Ha! Now none of my friends will be able to afford trips to Paris because they’ll have to buy a diamond ring, too!

Dude, seriously? Not only is it kind of cliché, but think about what you’re doing to the rest of us.

This isn’t about being outdone by Sir Commits-A-Lot. We live in a capitalist society, and some men are more apt to succeed in life and the bedroom. (These are also men who plan their lives far enough out to order flowers, make reservations and plan for the eventual downfall of the U.S. dollar.) If you have the gumption — and income — to buy the world’s largest teddy bear, then you deserve only the finest quality of holiday-induced blowjerbs.

But, the guy who proposes on V-Day took it too far. In February 1946, the allied leaders met for one last time to discuss de-Nazification, tank disposal and what to do with their mistresses and wives. It was the last time that Churchill, Roosevelt and Stalin would agree on anything, and that agreement was that V-Day (as opposed to V-E Day or Actual V-Day) would remain the one day of the year that even the most jaded of couples could get down for the merest exchange of written pleasantries.

And now all of your soon-to-be-fiance’s friends are thinking back to when the romance was fresh and new.

Couples who start dating/get married on Valentine’s Day

Again, cliché.

I, personally, blame women who agree to either. Everyone knows that all women get three days: their birthday, their anniversary and Valentine’s Day. (Women with destroyed vaginas and abdominal scars get Mother’s Day, too.) By compiling two days into one, you’ve just lost one of the few reasons we are allowed to pay you 20 cents less to every dollar men earn.

But, even more concerning are those who start dating on Valentine’s Day. Who just agrees to make a stranger their Valentine? It’s not like we’re picking prom dates here; this is important.

What if, for instance, he can’t hold his roofies? And now all the other dates are taken!

And for those of you getting married on Valentine’s: did you write our vows, too? Because, dammit, the rest of us had plans, too, and now they’re all gone to hell.

Kid who buys the teacher a special, bigger Valentine

Hey, kid. We’re all trying to get to sixth grade without repeating any, OK? If you weren’t gonna get a better grade with the Star Wars/My Little Pony cards we’re all handing out here, you’re not gonna get one with a full-sized Anne Geddes one, either.

Unless, of course, you’re trying to bang the teacher. If so, good form.