Newly Infatuated

Question

Dear Patrick: I have a new boyfriend who likes to have sex every day. We are having some trouble with our rhythm and timing, but I find that this is often a problem with new lovers. Since we have a lot of mutual desire, I am hoping we can work this out. So this is the biggest problem: He pushes too hard when he comes. He has a really long cock. My vagina must be just a little bit shorter than normal, because I can’t get his whole erection into my body. It just won’t fit. Believe me—I have tried. When we are just fucking, he does a really good job of monitoring where his cock is and giving me just enough of it to drive me crazy. But when he is coming, he loses control. He drives his erection too far into me, and it hurts my cervix. This makes me stop coming. My orgasm just gets cut off like a door got slammed or something. I have pointed this out over and over again, but he says he can’t help it. It’s a reflex. It is automatic. If he tries to stop it, he can’t come. So it seems like only one of us can have an orgasm when we are having intercourse. Neither one of us likes that solution. (Sad face.)

Have you ever heard of another couple who had this problem? Were they able to find a solution? I honestly believe he doesn’t want to hurt me. I’m not a masochist, and I don’t want to continue to experience this pain. It is starting to make me avoid sexual opportunities with him. And he’s so hot, that’s just sad and crazy!

Answer

Yes, I have heard of this situation before. Sex educators like to say that size doesn’t matter, but don’t you believe it. Since the penis and the vagina are both spongy and elastic organs, there is fortunately some give-and-take, but past a certain point, biology has to give way to geometry. There are women who swear that they do not like having sex with guys who are circumcised, for example. They can feel the difference if the guy has a foreskin, and that is what they prefer. (The reverse is also true, so if you were circumcised, don’t write me a whingy little mean-memo, okay? I’m not the one who trimmed your bonnet.) Some women like cocks that are thick so they can feel stretching at the vaginal opening, others like it long so they can feel the cervix getting moved around, some prefer smaller penises because they just “fit” better. The sensation of a cock that slides home, where you can just relax into the moment and go “aaah,” is the Goldilocks experience of sex. “That one is just right.”

Your problem is that you’ve got a man whose cock seems like it is just right … until he gets off. Then he loses control over his equipment and does a Bad Thing, which is not going to be allowed any more. There are a couple of solutions, but they will involve small changes in the way the two of you have been relating. If he really is sorry he is hurting you and wants to fix this, I hope he will at least be willing to see if one of these ideas will help.

My first suggestion is that he stops being the driver. If the two of you have been having intercourse in a position that puts him in charge (and allows for deep penetration), the same results are going to occur every time he comes. He will be able to get in deeper, his “reflex” will tell him that is what he should do, and you will say, “ouch” and regret ever taking your clothes off. You need to experiment with some positions that will offer you more protection because they will put his penis at a different angle.

As a woman becomes more and more aroused, her uterus lifts up and creates extra space at the top of the vagina. The goal here is to keep his penis pointed at and into this extra space so he is not pointed directly at the cervix. Some women like having the cervix moved around; some experience it as painful. I am guessing you may fall into the latter category. So we want his cock to just slide past your cervix and uterus so you don’t experience direct pressure.

There are a couple different ways to achieve this. One is to just switch out the positions. How do you usually fuck? If you are usually underneath him, it would be a good idea to try something different. You can still be under him to a certain point, if you really enjoy that position. But one of you will have to take the initiative to switch things around. If you are on top of him, you have more control over how far he goes into you. You also have more control over the angle of penetration. Getting fucked from behind might work too, if you can tilt your pelvis so that it isn’t painful. Putting a pillow under your hips can help change the angle of entry as well. Experimenting is the only way to find out what will and won’t help because we can’t tell, just from looking at you from the outside, how everything is put together. For example, some women have a slightly tilted uterus. This isn’t a health problem, but it can create slightly different sensations during intercourse.

Have you tried engaging in more foreplay? Getting more turned on can also help. If you haven’t gone far enough through your sexual response cycle to have the uterus begin to lift and create extra space, you will be less able to take a longer erection.

If he is cooperative and happy to try new things, then you have a keeper. But if he complains and refuses to cooperate in looking for a solution, I think you ought to let this one go. I only sort of/kind of believe the claim that he has a reflex he can’t control. If he really is a good guy who just can’t help it, he has a chance to prove it. You deserve to have a lover who is well-endowed AND able to drive his pink Cadillac and park it without wrecking the garage.