I’m lousy at
predictions; therefore
I will make some.
A) We’re all in
the dark about the future of TV, and B) five
years from now, none of us will dig up the
$4,000 market research report that said
mobile video would make us all rich, rich,
I tells ya!

That mobile thing. Oy. I suppose
the relentless pursuit is fueled by the
appearance of homo screeniens, those
primates of the family Hominidae with
display screens attached to one hand
perpetually held before the face. (Soon to be
superseded by the Google Glassians.) There
is some suspicion that these individuals are
engaged exclusively in their own ongoing
reality show with a select group of 500
or so “friends.” However, there persists
the hope that this behavioral trait can
be disrupted by the magic of television.
After all, mobile TV took off in Japan.
(What’s that? Not really?) OK, VCast, then.
(Nope.) All right, Qualcomm. (Ixnay on
ediaFLOmay.)

Well, you’ve got me, but I wax nostalgic
over my Nokia brick, both as a functional
device and a potential projectile weapon.
Just try to take out an attacker with one
of those pansy smartphones. There was a
time you could really clock somebody with
a phone.

I only know what I want, which is
typically off your beaten path. I want a
handset with tiny, distortion-free Bose
speakers and a Taser setting. I want a TV
screen painted on my wall that turns into a
Klimt when it’s not on. I want a decipherable
remote control. And I certainly don’t care
about skipping commercials, because unlike
that horrible spot for the Dish Hopper that
I wish to un-see, I will not be taking my TV
to the loo.

Because, as experts predict, TV will soon
be “two-way.” I don’t know about you, but I
have all the “reality” I want right now, thank
you very much.