Day 25: Existential Woes

Since yesterday that I read Heaven’s Journey to Life blog, Consumerism Starts in the Womb of the Mother: DAY 23 I got quite a reaction coming up from the realization of the birthing process and how it actually takes place in such a way that it is like a recreation of that very initial moment of separation from the whole, that initial division that had a negative energy in it as a result of such conflict/friction that ensued separation. This point clicked within me as a piece in the puzzle that I had been missing out through my life as the experience that I would constantly have with no apparent reason for it at all.

As I’ve shared before, I had a very ‘normal life,’ I was and have been supported, got education and ‘great opportunities’ that have lead me to live a relatively stable and comfortable life. However, I always had this nagging experience that I could only call an ‘existential woe’ and I remember reading Sartre and somehow identifying myself with that, the same with Camus and other people that are now simply seen for what they are as ‘existentialists’ – that was a first approach. However I continued to search for more, to give a ‘name’ to this existential woe. I simply accepted such experience as a kind of slight chronic depressive tendencies without any reason to have them. I even accepted the fact that maybe it had to do with being a more ‘sensitive person,’ but the reality is that I now understand a lot more about who we are/ our creation in a way that we all have now as a once in an existential lifetime opportunity.

I had shared since the beginning of this process why everything that I would depict in art was always this state of worry/ woe/ anguish/ concern, and I found it very very difficult to do anything else but depict such state of being that I could only pin point as a rather ‘deep’ experience within me that I wasn’t fully aware of. Yet it was Here, always here. And I even thought that it had to do with some fucked up chain karma of past lives or having had birth-suffering because of having my umbilical cord around my neck for quite some time. It is fascinating – to say the least – what I’m realizing within these blogs and overall with the interviews that are being released. Now I’m able to understand what I had never ever been able to place into words, never being able to grasp it, yet it was certainly an experience that had no reason to be other than just being ‘here’ as myself. I could be making a big assumption in terms of me expressing that point of separation and ‘existential woe’ through the pictures and scenes that I would draw/paint, but at least, such expressions now make more sense in terms of how such anguish and constant ‘down’ experience is what we all human beings exist as that very first energetic surge from that primordial friction/ conflict that caused the separation of the whole generating a negative experience.

So, because none of us can fully remember or even explain/ give a name to these inherent experiences of absolute negativity toward ourselves and everyone else, it makes complete sense how this that I had experienced in what I would call ‘irrational manner’ toward people in my world.

Because of reading these blogs, all of the self-destructive patterns and behaviors we have lived out somehow make sense now. This is not within the context of it being something beneficial for all, no. It is about being able to understand A LOT more about ourselves as mind consciousness systems and why even after these 4 years of walking/reading the Desteni material, I only thought that such constant experience of negativity toward myself/ the world in general was merely ‘preprogrammed’ which is not, it is really the experience of separation as the cross we bear in fact.

Now, why this is such an important point to walk from what I have realized/ understood through my own experience, is because each one of us is essentially walking their own points of separation to reintegrate/ get ourselves back to the point that we have only separated ourselves from as relationships/ experiences, in a very absurd manner -and by absurd I mean that we missed Ourselves as Life all the time, as simple as that. I also realize there are no If’s and that I could write a Looong blog about the reactions of ‘what ifs’ -however, what’s relevant here is walking my own mind of self-separation as I see and realize that it is the only way that I can really live that which is required for us to be/ do when realizing to what extent we had become these absolutely lost drones with no ability to remember that we once were all.

Why is this a very cool point? Because now I see how there is an actual ‘reason’ for such existential experience within each one of us, and now we can see that we missed the very obvious: Together we thrive and separated we fear and destroy each other.

One example is no matter how many millions you have, as long as we are still existing in separation. Makes sense why even during the first years throughout childhood there is conflict between children, conflict between children and parents, conflict from the very process of gestation within the womb. And yes, somehow it also makes sense why it was so difficult for me to see anything ‘holy’ and ‘graceful’ about childbirth.

I breathe and let go of this as I see that sometimes it is easy to reinforce the points of separation, instead of actually walking it through a writing of Self-Support wherein I make sure I honor myself as words, as the creation of the word as who I am. What does that mean? That all words that reinforce separation, must be walked through a process of self-correction and in that, I see that the usual ‘fear’ that exists is having to let go of our specialness within the use of words, the ‘who we are as words’ that encapsulate the entirety of ‘who we are’ in these great bubbles of ego that eventually only work as hard and soft veneers to keep ourselves ‘stable’ in this self-created world of Machiavellis wherein we are all constantly existing in fear and experiencing this irrational hatred toward one another. I had a hard time playing nice in my life – yet I knew the system-value such attitudes had in terms of being able to use it to manipulate for my own benefit. And I would usually experience discomfort and judgment toward having to cheat or be corrupt, never realizing that we were the very instigators of such inner conflict that has become our reality till this day.

There is certainly a lot more to understand – however I can see for now that I can make more sense of myself now, which I am grateful for, because even after having had extensive information, there was always this ‘point’ wherein I could not really understand Why we hated each other, because that’s the truth and there will be specific interviews to come that will explain why no two beings could stand in actual equality and oneness, which doesn’t surprise me. Sometimes I just have to take a deep breath to realize that I am here, I am the result of all of ‘that’ and I have the tools and essentially it’s up to me now to turn off the lights.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever seek a life-experience meaning to my ‘existential woe’ which now makes sense as the actual process of separation from who I am wherein the ‘who I am‘ emerged from that primordial separation from the whole wherein we lost all sense of recognition of who I am as one and equal and in that, accepted my self-definition as a negative-experience within this individualization as a process of ‘losing my religion,’ as in losing that unification wherein everything was just here, as self, stable as self, constant and consistent, which is what my physical body is actually the living-existence of that, I can trust my physical body and everything that I cause as a disruption exists as energy, as thoughts, as emotions, feelings, perceptions, ideas, that emerge from my participation and continuation in that initial negative experience from the moment of first-separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience this seemingly unexplainable hatred toward everything and everyone as an experience wherein I thought that there was something ‘wrong’ with me, going into judgment and trying to tamper it with playing the nice well-behaved little girl, even if it was obvious that from that very first ‘system’ day as the first day of school, I created this profiling of my classmates as people that I could either like or dislike, without having an particular reason that I could explain at the moment, as to ‘why I could dislike someone,’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with laughter, woe and general ‘powerlessness’ when realizing to what extent I have been unaware of myself, not only about the ‘who I am’ as one and equal, but within the realization of how separate we are from our very own physical body,because we cannot even know exactly how our body functions until now that we are having these great explanations of who we really are. I can certainly say that to me being able to hear this now is like ‘manna from heaven’ because I am sure that I’ve spent endless lifetimes longing to hear form it. Sometimes it became such a ‘normal’ thing to be living with a portal and talking to various beings that it really became a ‘normal thing’ – however this is an existential process and we’re at ‘the point’ wherein we are ‘on the spot’ so to speak to be able to get it, and the fact that it depends entirely on us reminds me the type of responsibility that this process implies within each one of us, human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in such an initial fear of fucking it up again and having to simply end it all even after realizing that this world is already quite stable, that this Earth could require some changes and it could be heaven on Earth – yet because of perceiving it to be an insurmountable task I have believed that it will be ‘very difficult’ for us to do this, yet this is only a the very back of my head/ back chat because in a conscious manner as a ‘positive thinker’ that I tend to be is: ‘oh yeah we’ll do it’ – but ultimately it’s not about thinking it, but living it. Therefore

When and as I see myself believing ‘oh yeah, we’ll make it, we can’t go wrong this time/ there’s no way we won’t make it now’ and having a positive thinking while listening to the potential outcomes explained in the interviews while and during the moments when worst case scenarios are being explained – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have become this ‘fighter’ that feels like part of a military that must keep a certain ‘hold’ all the time wherein the image of someone with a shield in a battlefield becomes a recurrent image within me, and I see that I created this ‘warrior’ experiences when delving into ideas of being some kind of life-defender according to some of the multiple and varied material I read about spirituality/ new age movements that I researched for a while.

Therefore, I realize that the decision to walk this process is a self-willed decision that I in fact took on for myself, for the very first time in my life or even existence wherein I realize that there is nothing to ‘defend’ or ‘battle against,’/ overcome, but instead is simply a process of reintegrating myself back to who I am wherein I walk my own mind to get out of such ever-lasting character and start actually living as the physical, as the reality of who I am.

I realize that any usual though in the back of my head of this all being ‘impossible’ as a result of having cultivated a constant view upon humanity as being ‘royally fucked’ and in that, validating my thoughts as ‘real’ without ever knowing that it was this very experience that I had that I become so used to exist-as ‘me’ as such constant judgment toward everything and everyone – which is only self-created wherein I helped co-create this world in the image and likeness of separation.

I was walking and it is fascinating how much we can make our home gates seem perfectly ‘normal’ and even beautify them with all of this useless ornaments, without realizing that the very existence of such gates like family-cells in each and every single house, indicates the fortresses that we have built out of realizing the potential ‘danger’ that we represent to each other. This is absolutely ludicrous, however it’s our reality, it’s what we have become: warded beings in our little fortresses fearing each other, entertaining ourselves to not realize the extent of separation that we’re living in, consuming our physical bodies while constantly thinking and thinking and thinking and going into endless self-talks that never lead anywhere else, but into further confusion – con. fusion= perfect soup for the mind to generate extra energy to keep the god system alive.

It also became very obvious for me today how I was definitely in a state of physical woe while listening the latest Atlantean interview, which is curiously called now that I see ‘Caged in Powerlessness’ because the entire point of obvious acceptance of separation is explained and in that, there is no space left to deny that we weren’t ‘aware’ of it. When hearing the result of how a single belief within the Atlanteans or what a single surge of excitement caused in Anu to ‘overlook’ within his creative processes wherein such fuck-ups manifested the consequences that we are living now: a single belief, a single surge of excitement – one single point missed and the entirety of existence went along with it, and the fact is that I can see myself in both patterns, specially with the excitement one, wherein I could have definitely pictured myself becoming greatly excited about anything such as a great discovery in existence and disregard any point of practicality in the moment, just because of how nice it sounded/ was

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience regret, woe and a general sense of powerlessness while listening to the explanations of how we got ourselves in the state that we are living in as existence. I realize that this experience is coming from me thinking about what I have accepted and allowed within myself to be and become in absolute disregard of myself, my own creation, my physical body that I’ve applied some points of self forgiveness for, but I had not gone into the topic of the absolute acceptance that we went into within becoming just individuals defined by energetic experiences. Energy is a diminished and controllable form of substance in existence – and the fact that we’re not even aware of our own mind as energy, places us really at the ‘scum level’ figuratively speaking, because the scum of the Earth is definitely fully aware of itself, while us humans aren’t –

So, really – the only way that I can accept myself to continue living in this world after all the damage we’ve done is to stop all victimization –first place at an individual level – and secondly, realize that we were never here to become ‘masters’ in reality – we are here to restore the order and become the real guardians of the Earth along with all the Earthlings – no more power games or desires to ‘attain’ the non existent heavens or gods – we are here, we walk the consequences, we take Self Responsibility until it is done. And as we’ve said many times, the only way I can see myself walking this is obviously within being part of a group of people, that I see are walking the exact same process as I am, along with the entirety of existence that is equally here. That means that I walk this once in a lifetime opportunity – or once in an existential lifetime – to finally stop all cycles of abuse as the actual infinity loop that I describe when I write ‘cycles’ as it goes from pole to pole, just like cathode and anode to create energy.

I commit myself to stop any and all forms of energetic surges through writing, applying self forgiveness and structuring a practical point of support for me to be able to realize my creation as my point of separation and being able to reintegrate it as myself once that I’ve walked through the process of identifying, correcting, living self forgiveness to stop participating actively in recreating these same primordial separation from the whole every time that I go into any form of positive, negative or neutral experience as ‘who I am’ – I instead becomes the point that walks the necessary process to stop.

” I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand how my development/growth/manifestation of/as my physical-body within and as the womb of/as the female’s physical-body – is the manifested-representation, equal-to and one-with what I have become/done since the beginning in my relationship as manifested-singularity to/towards the whole/existence as me. Where: the female’s physical-body womb = is equal-to and one-with the womb of/as existence/the whole. Where: my physical-body development/growth/manifestation is dependent on a constant/continuous process of/as friction/conflict to/towards the very womb of/as the physical-body of the female = equal-to and one-with my manifested-singularity development/growth/manifestation that was/always has been dependent on the constant/continuous process of/as friction/conflict to/towards the whole/existence.” Sunette Destonian Spies

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About Marlen

I'm a human being that has decided to live by the principle of Life in Equality and place myself as a point of support for everyone that's willing to birth themselves as Life in this world.
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