Getting married soon. Most of my friends aren't coming. It keeps ruining my mood when I just want to be excited about the wedding.

My fiancé (28M) and I (28F) have been dating for 9 years and have done long periods of long distance during this time. We are crazy excited to finally get married and start our life together.

The guest list was the only thing we really fought about during planning because we come from larger families and also had pictured a small-ish wedding. Every friend we added to the guest list was someone we really wanted to have there. Some were people I had to fight to include.

We've been engaged for a year and set our date 10 months ago. My friends got save the dates, were invited to the bridal shower and the bachelorette party, and have all received invitations with plus ones. Outside of my bridal party, not one friend could go to shower or bachelorette, which I understood completely. Now that RSVPs are due in, they are mostly no's without any excuse or we still haven't received the RSVP and I'm waiting for a text/call back.

Outside of the bridal party, only one friend is coming to the wedding and she isn't bringing a date. I feel so bad that none of her friends are coming that I want to call and ask if she's sure still wants to be there.

The last week I've been tracking down the people who didn't respond and every time I hear a definitive no (which I was already expecting at this point) it completely ruins my mood for a chunk of the day. I'm walking around feeling like all my friends don't actually think of me as a good friend. I'm also embarrassed that out of all the family and friends on the guest list, the largest group of no's are my friends.

Most of these people are friends from school that I hardly see anymore (in person) because we've moved away and they would've needed to travel for the wedding. We still all talk on a regular basis and I haven't argued or fallen out with anyone. Part of my disappointment is that I was excited to get to see them again. I'm also aware that it's natural for people to drift apart when you aren't in school anymore.

Reddit, I just want to be happy and excited for my wedding. I want to enjoy my time with everyone who IS coming because I have many loved ones who will be there for the big day. I'm also getting the smaller wedding I had actually dreamed of. Do you have any perspective to help me shake off the hurt feelings knowing that I fought to include a bunch of people who aren't coming? I'm still tracking down a handful of people who are probably no's. How do I not let their answer ruin my day?

TLDR: Feelings hurt that so many friends aren't coming to my wedding. I want to not care and just be excited but it keeps bringing me down.

Edit: typos, added age, clarification that these are people I don't physically see often but we do talk/text regularly

Edit 2: thanks for your responses. I was never expecting everyone to come. I think the biggest thing that bummed me out were the number of no's from people who didn't bother to mail back the RSVP. It kinda feels like crap to feel like you're bothering someone to find out if they'll attend an event important to you. Please RSVP to your peeps if you're invited to something. I am focusing on the many positives. After reading many comments it's so clear how much more important it is to focus on my (soon to be!) husband and I. I actually can't stop smiling now and have been talking with my guy about honeymoon plans all morning :)

Most of these people are friends from school that I hardly see anymore because we've moved away and they would've needed to travel for the wedding. I haven't argued or fallen out with anyone. Part of my disappointment is that I was excited to get to see them again. I'm also aware that it's natural for people to drift apart when you aren't in school anymore.

When I started to read this I assumed these friends we’re all local ones that you saw often but then I got to the part where you said they’re from out of town and you never see them. Are you really that surprised that you got a lot declines? Why didn’t you invite local friends that you see on a regular basis?

Yeah, I’m sorry for the bride and it must disappointing but I wouldn’t pay to travel to a wedding for someone I never see anymore. It’s one thing if you’ve all moved away but still meet up when possible and maintain that connection, but if all you do is the occasional message... it’s not surprising everyone’s turning down a wedding where they’d clearly have to travel, book accommodation etc. It’s a super important thing to OP obviously but to people she doesn’t see anymore honestly holding a wedding is just a day-to-day ‘I’m happy for you’, aside from people you’re very close to.

It’s a (hopefully) once in a lifetime event for the people getting married but aside from your nearest and dearest, it’s honestly just another regular life event you might not want to sacrifice a lot to attend. I’m a year younger than OP and it’s the time of life where EVERYONE seems to be getting married (both my friends and older relatives remarrying) - I have 4 weddings I have to attend next year and my responses to them range from ‘omg yay I can’t wait to be a bridesmaid!!’ for my mum and ‘that’s nice for them but it’s another few days off I need to take/money I need to spend’ for my stepmother’s sister. Is that mean? Maybe but it’s unfortunately also reality that someone else announcing they’re getting married isn’t an automatic excitement for me.

Saying all that, it’s also reality that it IS a big deal for OP and it is disappointing to get so many ‘can’t attends’ for any event you’ve put time and effort into. So even with everything I’ve put, I understand why she’s sad about it. My advice for her is to concentrate on the fact that a) you only want people at your wedding who want to be there! As long as you have people there who are stoked to celebrate with you, whether 3 or 100, you’ll have an awesome time - it’s about you and your husband, not the guest list, and honestly you’ll get that vibe way more with a smaller group who you know are more excited to be there; and b) you’re now having the small wedding you always wanted, awesome! Less guests is less stress and more time to actually spend time with the people there instead of spending your whole wedding flitting from table to table endlessly.

I understand the disappointment but concentrate on the positives, you’ll still have a great wedding OP :)

That thinking can backfire too. My wife invited her high school friends she only saw maybe once a year for holidays, and it was a 6 hour drive away. I figured they'd chat among that group, and likely if only a few could come they'd probably bail. And then of course a whole pack of them made a weekend out of it and came!

I've had a couple back in the day friends invite me to their weddings, and a few times I said sure why not, we needed an excuse to fly back to see some people anyway.

This was one of the reasons we chose to have our wedding back where we used to live, so that family and friends who couldn't travel due to health or money reasons could still be there. We did something separate for the people in our new state.

Look OP: traveling is not an incidental thing, and just because you were great friends in school doesn't mean they want, or even can use money and possibly vacation time to come see your wedding. And even if they have the ways and means, it's still a giant hassle to travel for a party hosted by someone you haven't really been close to in a while. I'm sorry it's bringing you down, but this is the reality of adult relationships.

You could also have a small wedding where you want to have it, but also plan celebratory events in the cities where you have clusters of friends or family who couldn't make it. A lot cheaper altogether for the couple to travel than multiple groups of people.

Yeah, this seems pretty unsurprising to me. Reminds me of a similar-but-different scenario: my partner's and his friend B grew up in a UK town together, but B's family and fiance were from Malaysia, so they decided to get married there. B was insanely hurt when none of his UK friends could make it, but it would've cost at least two grand a head.

B is also much, much wealthier than any of his friends, which added to the disconnect- to him, it was like hearing that they wouldn't spend a negligible amount for his wedding. That may not be a factor at all here, but it's worth considering if there's a financial disparity, OP, and whether you're in a position to help some of your friends with airfare?

It also depends on how busy they are, who can take care of the kids, where they are at financially, etc.. I was pretty lucky looking back that only 1/4 of the people declined our invitation since it’s a destination wedding for almost everyone.

Also, not everyone knows about wedding etiquettes as well, like when I was single or haven’t been to a wedding before I didn’t know you had to send gifts, rsvp back or not wear certain colors to the wedding.

I know the etiquette but honestly a lot of it is stupid. I’m young. Half my friends are college age. They are broke. If they travel to my wedding then their presence is my gift, I don’t expect them to shell out even more money on a gift. Some of my blonde friends look amazing in white. As long as it’s not a clear wedding dress, does it matter that it’s white? No, no it doesn’t. I’m having one guy in my bridal party. My SO wants his female cousin on his side. His mom made a fuss over the idea that two guys would possibly walk down the aisle together. Because apparently that’s not ok? Changing the way they walk down the aisle is actually really easy and 100% recommended by my deacon. But if I didn’t, who cares? What’s the problem, looking gay? I thought my MIL was liberal.

That's what I thought. Generally getting people to travel to your wedding is difficult unless they are close enough friends to be in your wedding. Same goes for destination weddings. Don't expect any of the younger crowd (or poorer relatives) to be able to afford the trip except perhaps for the bridal party.

I agree. If they were friends in school then it's probably been years. Most of these people would have to ask time off work, plus all the travel and stay expenses. It seems like a lot of work and money to ask of people that it doesn't sound like you are that close with anymore. It sucks that people drift apart. Something similar happens when people chose to do destination weddings. Maybe consider for the future to make more local friends.

There's 1000 posts a day on "how do I not feel X emotion." An answer doesn't exist. You feel what you feel and you get on with it. Reframe your thoughts until you've made peace to the point of not thinking about it so much.

Most of these people are friends from school that I hardly see anymore and would've needed to travel.

It's not clear by your structure if you are saying this about your wedding or the friend's wedding. However, if you mean your wedding, then use that to adjust your frame. It's not realistic to expect grown ups, with responsibilities, to travel for someone they aren't that involved with daily. That's your reframe focal point. They've done nothing wrong and neither have you. Life is just what it is.

This is what Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, among other things, teaches more lowly functional people to do, and something that all properly functioning adults do quite frequently.

The gist is to "break the frame". Stop the mind's computer virus(es) from actively ruminating for anywhere from 5-10 (normal adults) to 30-90 seconds (teens, kids, and people with PDs and sometimes other problems (schizophrenia, phobias, etc.)) until the mind "resets" into a more neutral emotional state.

One common trick, that works equally well with people who are afflicted with personality disorders (BPD, HPD, even NPD and psychotic episodes) is to have them hold two ice cubes, one in each hand, for 30 seconds. They have to feel it until it starts burning and keep the sensation long enough to eclipse their "rumination window", which is normally 5-7 seconds and 30-50 seconds for practically everyone (even low functional people with APD (e.g., repeat violent criminals, etc.)).

Outside of these emergency hacks, checkout Bill and Esther Hicks' works on how to elevate one's emotional state, both in the short-term and how to elevate one's core personality outlook over the long-term. I believe they call it "phase shifting."

This is great advice. I love DBT, did about a year of it before my group was canceled. I have BPD and tend to forget to use my skills when I'm ruminating- usually when I'm distressed. It's been a bad couple of days with pretty much non-stop mind loops and anxiety. I usually save my problems for my therapist but I don't see him for a week and I've driven my family nuts for the first time in a great long while.

Thanks for accidentally reminding me I should be doing some skills. I think I'll break out the silly putty and coloring books and try to remember that I can dunk my face in cold water now and then.

A few words from us doesn't substitute a complex behavioral therapy. That's why every other comment on this sub is to get therapy. So we agree. There's no words we can get give that will quickly shift someone around.

Completely agree as someone who's been DBT. Adopting this perspective has changed my life. It's also exactly what mindfulness teaches (acceptance and not resisting our emotions). For those arguing that this doesn't work for everyone - nope, scientific studies have shown that mindfulness, time and time again, improves anxiety, emotional regulation, depression, etc. on both a emotional level, and a physiological level as well (increases the gray matter in our brains).

There's 1000 posts a day on "how do I not feel X emotion." An answer doesn't exist. You feel what you feel and you get on with it.

That's not entirely true. I've found I can sort of control my emotions (not entirely obviously) by retraining my mind - thoughts, expectations, etc. OP could choose to get over her disappointment faster and feel better about the wedding, I'm sure. She can choose to feel grateful for the things she does have (a great fiance, a lovely wedding party of a small group of tightknit friends, and loving family) that's connected to the wedding and understand it's not a "slam" on her that someone won't go through the trouble and expense of traveling for a wedding.

Feelings don't entirely just happen. They're the v product of our thoughts and instincts. The way you frame things like this in your mind impacts what feelings you create. Not that you can never be sad. Some things knock us down. But you can for sure choose to experience less sadness or get over it faster if you use particular techniques, like focusing on what you're thankful for instead of what disappointed you.

I wasn't speaking as to what you as an individual could do, for emotional management. I was saying that we don't have words that work like pills. There is no advice in existence that makes someone stop feeling an automatic response. If there were, this sub wouldn't exist. We'd all know how to stop feeling x in x situation. You go on to talk about long term reframing, which was the totality of my advice. So, I'm not sure you understood what I wrote.

Most people just aren't taught that this is possible and due to lack of curiosity, never learn that it exists.

If we properly instructed children and young adults as to how their minds are riddled with certain memetic viruses, inherited from every authority figure since we first started learning how to process oral languages (the original Adam & Eve "The Fall" metaphor), then this world would be a much better place, and indeed, most of the content currently submitted to this sub would cease being issues.

I understood what you wrote but in my experience it's not always long-term reframing. It can happen in a day certainly and sometimes in minutes or hours as long as you believe it can. Suggesting it always takes a long time is needlessly defeating and will lead people not to try.

I understood what you wrote but in my experience it's not long-term reframing. It can happen in a day certainly and sometimes in minutes or hours as long as you believe it can.

Framing it as a thing that takes people awhile to learn I think makes it seem and be harder than it is. OP could choose to feel better pretty quickly. To me, that thought is freeing. I also don't think it's just about "not thinking about it so much". Ymmv.

You can tell people, "Hey look, hundreds of thousands, nay millions, of people can successfully "reframe" their thoughts and more or less instantly start feeling better without expensive and possibly damaging / addictive medications, if they only do things like hold an ice cube in their hands for 30 seconds and think, "Man, I loved that day (think of your best day possible)" or "Man, I'm so fucking glad I get to experience a minute more of this amazing thing called life!" or "I will feel SO GOOD when it's sunny again!"

Then you have the other side going, "Shut up! NOT EVERYONE IS AS FORTUNATE AS YOU!"

You are projecting your own perspective on others. Different people have different emotional refractory/recovery periods. Just because retraining has taught you to bounceback quickly within a day does not mean others will be able to do so as quickly even with extensive cognitive training. Also, people have different experiences in their past and certain events can trigger old trauma causing emotional responses to those triggers to be harder to get over.

I speak as someone who naturally has rapid emotional buoyancy and also was able to increase it further through extensive CBT about 10 years ago. It was a wake up call for me to realize that other people are unable to bounce back as fast as me. My husband has also been through extensive CBT and his come down period is naturally longer. Part of it is that his initial level of stimulation is higher so he has farther to fall to return to baseline.

You need to understand this is not a fault of his or anyone else's and it doesn't mean they are weak or less disciplined. It can just mean they have more excitatory neuronal response initially. Try to be less judgmental and more open minded about the emotional landscape of others.

Try to be less judgmental and more open minded about the emotional landscape of others.

My point wasn't judgment. It was that suggesting there's nothing one can do immediately is defeating unnecessarily. I then pointed out things OP could potentially choose to do immediately. I found the other poster's idea potentially problematic because so many people think feelings "just happen" and can't be changed but that is patently untrue. Furthermore, the other poster suggested the best case was "putting it out of your mind" which is also not true. The best case is thinking about the positive aspects of a happy event (wedding).

How hard a person has to work to change it will certainly vary certainly. But to say, oh well, it WILL take a bunch of time is defeating and the kind of negativity that doesn't ultimately help anyone. It might be way faster or easier and to assume it takes time for everyone only makes it overall harder for many.

I also wasn't talking about trauma as I saw nothing relevant to that in OP. Just human disappointment.

I honestly think that while your comment is pretty accurate, that its delivery is counterproductive.

SO FEW PEOPLE discuss how emotional frame breaking is possible, and so much of Western society is freaking medicated without even KNOWING that it's probably possible to train them self-soothe their own emotional hurting spots, that we need way way way more of /u/berrieh's sentiments and way way less of the naysaying.

Hey there! I can uniquely empathize with this. I moved pretty far away after college. Then I got married around the same age as you. As it was far, I wasn’t expecting people to fly in for my wedding, but I was hoping they would, you know? A couple friends outside of my bridal party did, but everyone else declined. I was bummed.

But it did make me think about what I was doing to actively nurture these relationships. And it made me think back to a friend who had invited me to her wedding a couple years before, and when I received the invitation, I thought, “We haven’t had an actual conversation (outside of social media comments and likes) in two years. Why is she inviting me to this?” And I wondered if the friends I invited thought this.

I’m not sure what your relationships are like with these friends, how much you talk, but in my experience, the burden is on the person who moved away to stay in close contact. I was the one who chose to move, so it was up to me to put in a little more work to remain close. I decided to focus on a small handful of friends I loved and let the rest drift. And then I made friends locally.

Thank you for your response! I wasnt expecting everyone to come, just hoped they could make it and hoped to hear from them. I just posted cause I'm a little more bummed than I thought I'd be.

Most people are assuming I haven't talked with any of these people besides the invitation which isn't true at all. We all still talk, text etc on a semi regular basis. Last time I saw most of these people in person (a few months ago) there were a lot of comments about being excited for the wedding and seeing each other. So all the no's were a surprise.

Is there something else you’re leaving out? For example, is the wedding at an inconvenient time to travel, in a more unexpected location, etc.? Do these friends know your partner well and like you partner? Did anything happen in the friend group to change things or make things more awkward (I.e. did another couple break-up, someone develop a drinking or drug problem, are there suddenly more obvious political differences, etc.)?

I had a friend in grad school I was close with (and still text with, talk to, etc.). We talked about her wedding and I was excited to attend. She and her partner were long distance when I was living in the same place as her and thus I only met him two times (and while he isn’t awful, I just didn’t click with him and neither did my partner which means my partner isn’t excited about going for a couple he barely knows). A few months later I got the invite. She happened to pick a date that is going to be more expensive to purchase airline tickets for and a date we have another wedding on (one of my partner’s friends), which we obviously knew before due to save the dates. However, once I looked up the location I discovered it is well over an hour away from the nearest airport (so we’d be flying and then renting a car) and in an area where hotels will be expensive. I’ve since had a falling out with a mutual friend who I know will be at hers making things a little awkward. Plus she has other friends and family attending/ is getting married, it isn’t like I’m going to get to spend a lot of time with her. We have multiple other weddings to go to around the same time (which, quite frankly gets exhausting and expensive). Plus I’ve planned other vacations and am unsure I want to give up the leave time at work. So basically I’d be flying across the US there and back, then have a long drive, have to pay for dog sitters, have to take time off work, etc. for a huge wedding filled with a number of people I don’t know. I said I wasn’t going, another mutual friend said the same (due to pregnancy), another friend can’t go do to lack of work time, another friend has a parent dying and doesn’t want to leave the area he lives, and then another friend told me she wasn’t because one of the main reasons to go was to see other friends who also won’t be there. I think it has unfortunately snow balled so that a lot of people declined. None of this is about her as a person. I would have loved to attend, it just isn’t practical for me right now. My point being, life happens. They could have been excited months ago but once they looked at the practicalities realized it wasn’t going to work well.

Last thing I’ll add. I’m 31 and my partner is 33. The year he turned 28 we had a wedding every weekend (one weekend three). Same with they year I turned 28. They are finally dying down, but you’re right at the age where a lot of people are pretty burned out on weddings. It’s easy to get excited before wedding season starts. By early spring I’m so sick of weddings and have been for several years.

Is there something else you’re leaving out? For example, is the wedding at an inconvenient time to travel, in a more unexpected location, etc.? Do these friends know your partner well and like you partner? Did anything happen in the friend group to change things or make things more awkward (I.e. did another couple break-up, someone develop a drinking or drug problem, are there suddenly more obvious political differences, etc.).

I had a friend in grad school I was close with (and still text with, talk to, etc.). We talked about her wedding and I was excited to attended. She and her partner were long distance when I was living in the same place as her and this I only met him two times (and while he isn’t awful, I just didn’t click with him and neither did my partner which means my partner isn’t excited about going for a couple he barely knows). A few months later I got the invite. She happened to pick a date that is going to be more expensive to purchase airline tickets for and a date we have another wedding on (one of my partner’s friends), which we obviously knew before due to save the dates. However, once I looked up the location I discovered it is well over an hour away from the nearest airport (so we’d be flying and then renting a car) and in an area where hotels will be expensive. I’ve since had a falling out with a mutual friend who I know will be at hers making things a little awkward. Plus she has other friends and family attending/ is getting married, it isn’t like I’m going to get to spend a lot of time with her. We have multiple other weddings to go to around the same time (which, quite frankly gets exhausting and expensive). Plus I’ve planned other vacations and am unsure I want to give up the leave time at work. So basically I’d be flying across the US there and back, then have a long drive, have to pay for dog sitters, have to take time off work, etc. for a huge wedding filled with a number of people I don’t know. I said I wasn’t going, another mutual friend said the same (due to pregnancy), another friend can’t go do to lack of work time, another friend has a parent dying and doesn’t want to leave the area he lives, and then another friend told me she wasn’t because one of the main reasons to go was to see other friends who also won’t be there. I think it has unfortunately snow balled so that a lot of people declined. None of this is about her as a person. I would have loved to attend, it just isn’t practical for me right now. My point being, life happens. They could have been excited months ago but once they looked at the practicalities realized it wasn’t going to work well.

It’s not just being burned out on weddings - some of us can’t afford to take multiple trips a year.

Flight, hotel, rental car, plus I’d have to pay to board my dog...it adds up! I don’t get holiday pay, so I’m also missing out on work which means opportunity cost. I have to go to one this summer & it will cost me ~$3000.

I’ve been invited to lots of weddings over the last few years & this summer is the first one I’m flying back for. It’s not a family member I’m close to at all, but it’s been several years since I’ve seen that side of the family, so the guilt has kicked in.

Even if they want to come, the realities of adult life don't always make it feasible. Limited vacation time being the biggest one: if they only have two weeks for the entire year, would you expect them to give up going to see family, or taking a much anticipated trip, or volunteering for their kid's soccer tournament to come to the wedding? That's assuming they are even able to take that specific time off: some places require time off to be put in super far in advance, or they can't take that time off because there's something very important going on that they are needed for (my favorite cousin missed my wedding because he had to go to a work conference in another country on the same weekend. I was sad, but it happens, and there wasn't anything he could do about it). It could also be about the money: are you a plane ride away from them? If so, having to get plane tickets, a hotel, possibly even a rental car... that may push their budgets too much to be able to see the wedding.

I think the advice people are giving and what people are saying is very valid here. However, I also think it's fair to say it's fucking rude to not respond to a wedding RSVP. If i were you, I think that's what'd be making me feel so shitty and bummed. Which is what you said in your OP as well. I validate those feelings. It totally would feel awkward and crappy having to check in on people who couldn't be bothered to get back to you. What are people like!?!?! LOL.

But moving on: be happy! You are getting married to someone awesome who you love and it's gonna be great. Lucky you! And I definitely think smaller weddings are more fun and intimate. Make sure you check in with that one friend who's coming from out of town solo during the day, and share how happy you are she is there and how much you appreciate her presence. Good luck!!

Addendum: as for the rudeness of the other people. Try not to be too sad about it for much longer, and definitely don't be bitter. Just know where you stand with them, and use the experience to fuel your own behavior for maintaining friendships and being a conscientious friend to others.

Hmm, I do think you should add that to the OP. The fact that you saw them fairly recently and they were making positive comments that would definitely lead you to believe that at least a few would be planning to attend definitely changes the perspective on the situation.

Sadly I think it's likely one of those things where they'd like to attend if it were more convenient, but when it comes down to actually putting in for time off, booking the plane tickets, finding hotels, renting a car, etc. and paying for it all they realized it wasn't realistic.

Sorry to be harsh, but if these are people you rarely see, I can understand why they don’t want to use their scarce vacation time and money to fly long distance to your wedding. If you were hoping this would be a reunion of an old group of friends, perhaps you overestimated how close the group still is.

Remember that this is just one day of your life. Put it in perspective.

Unfortunately, you've learned the hard way that relationships don't just poof in and out of existence. They were your friends once but if you didn't continue to cultivate your friendships, it's normal that they faded away. I'm assuming you've been busy and preoccupied over the last few years while your relationship with your fiance took off so maybe that's why. But a wedding is so not the place for you to decide you want to see people again and give the friendships attention. Not only because it involves a huge amount of effort on their part (travel, getting dressed up, giving you a gift, hotel stays etc. Etc.) But also because you will have approx 5 seconds to catch up with them during the event during which you'll be incredibly busy and pulled in 85 directions.

But, yeah. Not sure what else you want us to say here. This is a tough break but you will have a fantastic time regardless! It will be ok. Don't let this be a damper on anything. You will be so happy that this won't even be a blip on the radar.

It's not just a friendship fading issue, though. Most of my closest friends are far away from me, and I would love to come wish them happy. However, I can't just fly 14000km to come to their weddings alone.

There was a time during my late 20s when I was getting invites to far-away weddings all the time. I attended very few of them, because travel is expensive, weddings are expensive (even as a guest) and I had very little vacation time. It was no reflection on the bride or groom, just a matter of limited resources.

I think another thing to take into account with your friends is that they will either be at a stage in their career where it’s very difficult to take any length of time off, or they have young families. Either way it might be very difficult for them to make it to your wedding either because they can’t find the time or the money to do so.

Don’t be upset because they can’t make it. You’re naturally very excited about a long anticipated wedding. They may be struggling with long hours, low vacation time, little money, a demanding boss, or a colicky baby.

I think it’s worth setting the pace as a new married couple by making time to see old friends as the opportunity arises. My husband and I are well into middle-age and most of my friends as well as us are up to our eyeballs in children! We have to book catch ups about a month ahead, sometimes six weeks ahead! And we just live with the fact that not everybody is going to be make it, because stuff comes up and kids get sick.

The trick is to just keep at it, try to have a regular Sunday potluck once a month, or perhaps even a camping trip once every six months or so to catch up with more distant friends.

And also be aware that you kinda secretly wanted a small wedding, which is what you’re actually getting! So things have actually worked out exactly the way you wanted !

I also want to point out that the people who hadn't yet responded might have been the ones who felt the worst about not being able to make it. I get so much anxiety about that kind of thing when I want to go, but can't and don't know what to say to the person because I feel so bad. If I was in that situation I would probably put if off as long as I could.

This this this. I missed a friend’s wedding and another’s baby shower because I live 4 hours away, work nights and would need at least 2 days off to reset my schedule, plus I didn’t have vacation time. Hopefully they understand, if not idk what to say honestly but me making it there was not feasible.

Honestly, they probably don't want to use their vacation time or pay travel expenses. Weddings aren't as fun when. You're older and realize how much it's costing you to go and what arrangements you have to make to be able to go.

I've been in and been to so many weddings at this point in my life, I generally look for ways to get out of going.

Your feelings are not uncommon. Weddings are performative - its where you stand up and say "this is who I am." When people decline it can feel like a rejection of your essential you-ness. However, rate of declines where people are a) out of town, b) in the early stage of their career with not-much-money and little-to-no-paid-vacation is 50-80% across the board. When I was planning my wedding I was on a message board (Indiebride, RIP) and we had a saying for these situations: Its an invitation, its not a subpoena.

I have declined fabulous weddings of people I really, really liked, because of the burden and cost of travel to that particular wedding. I have attended bland, generic weddings of coworkers I barely know, because the logistics were easy. The ability to attend is not representative of the emotions of the friendship, but usually, economic considerations.

In my wedding we had a lot of out of town guest and specifically chose not to have it in [Super Expensive Big City] where guests would have to choose a [$$$$ hotel] but rather near [Off-season Tourist Area] that offered [Many cheap hotels] and [Cheaper Airport] and [Access via train]. Keeping costs to the minimum for the guests was a big goal.

When I got married (at 40) our focus was also keeping costs down for our guests. We had a budget and decided to use it to offset their costs instead of doing the usual wedding bells and whistles. We mainly wanted our parents/siblings/nieces/nephews to be there (all from out of town - so like 12 people) and everything else was gravy.

Wedding was on Saturday. We did ask them to get their own plane tickets for Friday-Sunday and hired a car service to pick everyone up and get them to the hotel. We paid for a small block of rooms (and the hotel threw in a huge suite for the two of us at the regular rate) for Friday and Saturday night. Breakfast was included (Embassy Suites FTW!). Hosted a dinner at a moderate restaurant (Grillfish) on Friday night for 35 or so (including family) so that we could celebrate with our local friends. Ceremony was just family and then we hosted a really nice dinner (Ritz-Carlton) on Saturday night for 20 (family plus a few really close friends). Party moved to our suite on Saturday night and we stayed up late telling stories and hanging out. We had breakfast with everyone on Sunday morning at the hotel before the car service took them back to the airport.

The ceremony was outdoors at a local park walking distance from the hotel (everything was walking distance from the hotel, actually) so we bought golf umbrellas with our names and the date engraved on the handles as gifts for everyone in case it rained. My mom and I went to Whole Foods and bought flowers on Saturday morning and had some super chill hang out time making bouquets and tying flowers to the umbrellas. Others went out and explored the city and it was a great opportunity for our families to spend some downtime together.

Looking back on it now - there's not a thing I would change. We made it as easy as possible for our family to be there and did our best to let them relax and not have to worry about anything. And in retrospect, it probably ended up less expensive (and way less stressful) than doing the regular wedding thing.

This is definitely regional. At 30 I'd never even been to a wedding. Granted I'm now literally sitting at the church waiting for the bride to show up for the eighth wedding I've been to in 2 years, and still have two more to go this year including my own.

Definitely this. The kid thing too. Blows my mind how many early 30's people I know since moving to Virginia that have teenage kids. A good amount of my peers growing up are just starting to have kids or don't have any yet.

Ugh. Yes. I just turned 30 and I am honestly only going to weddings of very close friends or very expensive weddings in cities I haven’t been to yet. Someone I know had hers at a Sheraton 6 hrs away with the hotel catering and I said hell no. Hotel food, a long ass drive and some shitty DJ in the middle of Maryland? Pass. I happily bought them some shit vs spending $500.

eh, but something sounds fishy here. If she was getting lots of sincere regrets from them, maybe. But it sounds like there's some reason we're not hearing as to why no one wants to be at this wedding. May be best to move on.

I think most people tell you to invite 1/3 more people than you expect or want to come to your wedding. I think I invited 150 and 100 showed up (including the wedding party).

When it is your wedding, you are thinking about what an honor it is to be invited because of all the work you know goes into it, the symbolism of your choices, etc.

A lot of people haven't been married and don't understand the work or importance of being invited.

You could expand your guest list, invite more people.

The reason these people may not be responding is perhaps they feel like you haven't been supporting them over the years... With new jobs, relationships, kids, pets, and hardships. So they are less likely to support you now

You have to do it in groups that don't overlap. So if your New York cousins decline, you can invite your mom's Tennessee church friends. Doubtful anyone will be discussing when their invite arrived at the wedding.

Here’s the thing, hon. I see that you’re imbibing attendance at your wedding as a measure of your friendships. In your late twenties, having moved away, that’s not a wise thing to do. And here’s why: life gets in the way.

Two dear friends of mine have gotten married about a year or two apart, a couple of years ago. One I attended, and one I didn’t. That choice had nothing to do with how much I loved them. Three things made that decision for me: time, money, and PTO.

One was across the country. I’d have had to buy a ticket, a hotel, take off work, left my business partners at my second job to handle things without me for multiple days. I was broke and overextending myself with a full time job and a business. I didn’t go to that one, as excited as I was about their nuptials and as much as I wanted to.

The other, though they moved away, they had their wedding locally. It was on a weekend day. I didn’t have to work my full time job that day, and my business partners were able to cover me for the second half of the day. I worked at our business the first half of the day and got ready for the wedding at our store. One of my partners did my hair and makeup.

All this isn’t to say that it’s wrong to feel disappointed. You’re not wrong. But don’t let it be a measure of the strength of your relationships. The friend whose wedding I didn’t attend, I was in denial about my inability to make the trip. I didnt want to miss it, and I didn’t want to miss such a huge event in my friend’s life with such a pathetic sounding excuse as “I have to work.” But I did have to work. And it sucked to miss it. But some months after the wedding, my friend and his new spouse came to town to visit, and it was lovely to see them, and I got to spent time with them that I wouldn’t have if I’d attended their wedding. So maybe, after the wedding and honeymoon and once you’ve gotten settled into life as a married couple, take a trip home together, to spend time with those friends that you wouldn’t have gotten had they attended your wedding.

The wedding is an event where you commit to your spouse. That day, as great as it is to have people there, is about you and spouse. You two are the only ones needed—everyone else is a bonus. As important as it is, life is more than the big events. It is the moments you grab and cherish in the day to day. Don’t forget about those, too. Congratulations on your impending nuptials!

If you haven’t put effort towards maintaining the relationship outside of inviting them to your wedding, what do you expect? That would be awkward anyways and probs feel as if you’re just using them to fill up seats.

I got married on May 4th. No one came from my side, and we only had two mutual friends attend. The rest was all my husband's family. My dad was ill, my sister too pregnant to travel, one friend too broke, and the other a fake flake. I cried a lot leading up to the event, but the day of, I was so happy to marry my husband that I didn't care. The day was wonderful and I don't regret it regardless of who didn't come. It was amazing. Trust that your day will be amazing too, no matter who shows up. The feelings will melt away and you will be fine.

I don't go to any wedding for a friend or relative that I have to travel for that involves a really long drive, flight, and hotels, it's just too expensive for us especially because we have 4 animals that either need to be boarded or find a sitter we trust that's even available, and I refuse to put the expense on a credit card either. If people don't understand then oh well, I didn't even go to my brother's wedding because the money we had saved to go had to suddenly be spent on emergency vet bills for my senior dog that died anyways and a house emergency (water heater decided to leak). Traveling and hotels to his wedding would have been over $2k that we no longer had and we weren't willing to go into debt for it.

I wouldn't take it so personally, you don't know what financial situation these people are in, and even if they are in a good one they might not want to spend it on something for someone else they aren't very close to anymore.

Most of these people are friends from school that I hardly see anymore (in person) because we've moved away and they would've needed to travel for the wedding.

As someone who moved away from home, assuming people you don't see very often who would have to travel a long distance to come is a totally unreasonable expectation. I've missed some of my best friends weddings because travel is expensive, impractical and difficult. I'm home for a wedding right now- it's my entire years worth of time off work and costs twice what a normal vacation would cost for me. if it wasn't for family or friends who I consider to be family, I'll see you next time I happen to be in town

How often do you communicate with these people? A friendship requires “maintenance “ to stay healthy. If you don’t maintain contact with them and suddenly ask them to spend a bunch of money (airfare, hotel) to come see someone who isn’t a big part of their life, yeah, I wouldn’t come either. Or maybe financially they’re just not able to... I talk to my friends all the time, and the ones that don’t live nearby we fly to see each other at least 2 times a year. Acquaintances are not going to go out of their way for you, I’m not saying that to be mean, I promise, but it sounds like you’re hanging on to old friendships that have sailed. Don’t let it get you down, enjoy the ones that are there, and maybe start working on those friendships that you had to see if they’re viable.

Weddings are not fun.(unless there is an open bar) They are even more not fun when I have to drive hours to get to them and spend money to go to them.

Also from the weddings i’ve been to I got to talk to the bride and groom for like 10 mins, then they had to talk to other people and had to do different things. I mean it was cool to watch them get married but besides that I wasn’t a real big part of the wedding because there was just too many people at the reception.

So unless it’s a very tiny wedding then chances are you will be busy and not really have a chance to miss anybody.

These people live out of town. And even if it was 10 months of invites and save the dates, they might not have been expecting to be invited to a wedding for someone they rarely to never see anymore due to school and different lives. To me it almost sounds like you invited friends of yours who you are on a text/Facebook basis with.

This isn't really fair of you to expect them to pay for the travel expense to attend your wedding if you're not that close to them anymore. Even if it is distance. Sometimes that few hundred bucks its going to cost to stay in a hotel and drive a few hours isn't something people can afford, especially at your age having just graduated college a few years ago and getting established in careers.

This is a really lofty and unrealistic expectation. You should have thought a lot about the logistics of these people attending your wedding before you invited them and then got upset they couldn't attend

I know we have this big belief that your wedding is the biggest, best day of your life, but it’s not. It’s stressful and expensive and frankly, 15 years later, I barely remember the damn day. I certainly didn’t spend time with anyone. Coulda saved a metric fuckton of money and landed in the same place: married to my best friend and experiencing life together.

I hardly see anymore (in person) because we've moved away and they would've needed to travel for the wedding

You do realize that it is expensive to travel, stay in a hotel, manage child care, take time off, not to mention give a gift -- all just to make the married couple happy and excited? I do not travel for weddings as is ends up costing me money. I cannot justify that expense and would rather send a nice gift.

Yes let’s assume at least 50 for the gift. Me having to miss minimum two days of work 200, hotel fees at least another 100, and if my SO was coming too then boarding our pets another 100. And being tired the whole time because I’m a night shifter, yeah I would have to like someone a LOT to make it to their wedding.

Just remember that your wedding is not a popularity contest, but on the other hand, it is okay to be disappointed that people can’t all make it.

Going to a wedding in another state is a huge time and money commitment. I personally know I would try to go to my friends weddings, but if I don’t get approved for time off work or I’m out of pto, then that’s that. Or if I don’t have the money for a plane ticket, there’s not a ton I can do.

I hope you and your husband have a great day. Just remember it’s about you and your husband, and that’s it at the end of the day.

I’ve turned down 3 wedding invites in the last year because I couldn’t justify the costs to travel for that one day. And then on top of that I’m still expected to give them money or purchase a gift. Unless it’s SUPER close friend or family, I’m not going to empty my bank account for that.

Just accept the no, or the non-response as a no, and plan accordingly. RSVPs are provided so that people can say yes or no, without giving a reason..don't make them feel like they should have said yes when they didn't want to.

also keep in mind that you yourself say these are friends from school that you barely keep in touch with. that could be a big reason right there.

First, congrats! Second, I'm one of these friends who can't go to a good friends wedding. She hasn't sent out invites yet but she's moved and is on the other side of the country. We are talking and I fully plan on sending a nice gift and she's going to have a party in my state than I plan attending, however I plan on not going to the wedding. I will support her fully, but it's a cost thing, flight plus rental car and hotel alone will be near 1000 dollars. Not including food or anything else, also by myself not including husband or child, that would make cost sky rocket. I would LOVE to go, but it's so much money for a five minute ceremony and after party. I fully expect her to be upset but honestly not everyone can afford all the things it takes to get to events across the country. They should have told you individually as well as send RSVPs though! Try to focus on your marriage, a wedding is just the start of your forever 😉😊. If anything else can you record your wedding live for people far away to watch on Facebook or something?

I think it’s important to take the people who aren’t coming and put them into two categories: People I’m Disappointed I Won’t See and People I’m Disappointed Won’t See Me Getting Married. It’s not wrong to feel the way you do, but it’s possible that some of your pain is from your ego. Weddings are a way of showing off our success in life, and the desire to share that can outweigh the actual enjoyment you’d get from just seeing the person.

I live on the other side of the world to my friends and family and I've thought about this so much since being in a relationship. It really does suck that they're not coming, but it places a very high expectation on your friends to travel - I'm not sure I could ever ask them to burden themselves like that for a special day for me, and for many of my friends 10 months is not nearly enough to save up enough money to come. I've also missed many of their engagements and weddings because I live so far away. I am still incredibly close to them, but I would never expect them to travel.

Because of that, though, when I get married, I think I'll do a small elopement in Europe and a small party in my partner's town and one in mine - that way we're the ones doing the travelling and they're not racking up any extra costs to come see us. Maybe that's something you could consider?

Because of that, though, when I get married, I think I'll do a small elopement in Europe and a small party in my partner's town and one in mine - that way we're the ones doing the travelling and they're not racking up any extra costs to come see them. Maybe that's something you could consider?

It's your big day (and your husband to be) so enjoy the people that ARE there with you. Even with a lot of notice, if they aren't your best friend ever, they probably aren't going to take time off, travel, get a hotel, buy a gift, etc., etc.

My fiance and I bought a house. We went from 5-6 out of town vacations/year to ONE. And this year, we aren't even taking that one because (personal stuff that isn't really relevant).

We're older than you two and are starting on year #9 together. Adulting is hard. If you and I were friends from school and you invited us, we'd 99.9% have to take a pass but not because of YOU, personally. We just have too much "other life stuff" going on.

I don't think most people look at other people getting married the same way as THEM getting married and they assume so many other people will be there that they won't even be missed.

And the truth is, you will be so caught up in the whirlwind of everything, you probably won't miss them. Your closest family and friends are in your bridal party. You're going to have the pre-wedding activities (hair, makeup, hair a dozen more times, touch up makeup, pre wedding photos, ceremony, after wedding photos, dance with husband, dance with father(figure?) Greeting guests, on and on....
Be happy if you get more than one bite of cake! (Seriously, I didn't even get to eat an actual slice of cake at my wedding to my ex).

Enjoy the moment because it's all so wonderfully chaotic that it's over before you know it and you're left with:

"OMG!! we're actually, finally, REALLY married!"

"I can't decide if I want to rip this dress off because I am so tired of wearing it or if I love it so much that I'm never taking it off and will even shower and sleep with it on! (But the shoes have GOT to go!)"

"All of these presents are insane! (Long pause.....) Let's open them! .... Actually, I'm exhausted. How about tomorrow?"

"Did we get the top tier of the cake"?

"Did we forget anything at the reception hall?"

Did you remember to... ZzzzzzzzzzzzSnore

Or something like that. :)

It's going to be amazing and magical and fun and wonderful and beautiful. And that will be because of those in attendance but more importantly, because you will be starting the next chapter in your life with your partner proudly by your side.

Congratulations on your impending nuptials and may you both be happy and healthy. Best of luck to you both.

I just want to say that I felt the exact same way when I was getting back RSVPs. It was surprising how I went from wishing for “Cannot Attend” responses so we could keep our budget and size in check to feeling totally dejected and sometimes crying when getting No’s later in the game. It just hurts.
This is a hugely important and all-encompassing and overwhelming event for you and your fiancé. It sucks to feel like that isn’t important to your friends.
In my case, a handful of days after we got our final count in, I was able to change my perspective and focus on how excited I was about who I WAS going to get to see and celebrate with.
There are a few predictable downs in traditional American wedding planning. This is one of them. The good news is that aside from a typical freak out just a few days or the day before your wedding, you’re already through all the yard parts. I promise it will be ok. It’s totally fine to feel how you do and you will come out the other side of these rollercoaster feelings.

We should consider that a lot of the people you invited were from out of town, and it may be difficult for them to scrape the funds to come. Don't take it too harshly. It can be hard if you don't keep up, and if the communication is minimal like Facebook.

I had a May wedding, and we got so many more "no's" than we were expecting (and this was in an age when people were a lot less casual about RSVP's than your generation seems to be). And we had sent out "save the dates" about 7 months in advance, as well.

May weddings are gorgeous, but tend to coincide with Mother's Day, college graduations, and either early high school graduations or ceremonies that precede them (honors events, prom, stuff like that). Also, if you have friends with little ones that aren't invited, babysitters are getting increasingly expensive, so child-care can be a legit issue.

I, personally, didn't mind - I had wanted a smaller wedding than the one my parents were throwing, so when more RSVP's started coming in as "no's" than expected, my Mom was a little upset, but I was more relieved. Less people for my deeply introverted self to engage with. (In my family, the bride works the wedding - opportunities to enjoy yourself are thin on the ground.)

Look at it this way - when they send you wedding invites down the line and you have a life that's more complicated? Feel free to send a "no" RSVP without guilt. And, you are celebrating with the people who care enough to be there. I know it stings a little, but try not to take it too personally. It just lets you know who your true friends really are, and cuts down on the catering bill.

What day of the week is your wedding on? And is it in the morning or afternoon? I know one of my brothers had his wedding on a Friday, which resulted in more people not being able to attend, which makes sense because people traveling to the wedding would be forced to take two days off from work, which most people can't or won't do.

This happened to me. It was very upsetting for me. A satellite friend had a destination wedding on the same day as ours. I wasn’t invited, so I had no idea their date was the same when we booked ours. When I told my friends our date, none of them could come because they’d already rsvp’d to the satellite friend’s invite which was sent 8 months in advance. I ended up not having about 15 of my friends at my wedding and it sucked. My friends were sad too - every one of them told me they’d much rather be with me than the satellite friend. A few came anyways and we ended up having a good time.

That was 5 years ago and I’m still super close with all the friends who couldn’t make it. I’ve attended all of their weddings and they’re all still lamenting missing out on my wedding. Even the satellite friend apologised for the unfortunate circumstance we were put in.

At the end of the day it’s the friendship that matters, and missing a big event isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things. My friends visited me after our child was born, after we moved far away and have supported me when I needed it, which is what counts. So don’t consider it a watershed moment or anything - your good friends will remain long after your wedding, unless they’re not good friends.

Honestly, just think about your fiance. I know you want people to be there, and I understand that (my closest friend of 10+ years wasn't able to make it to my wedding), but this day is all about you two anyways. Don't let anyone take away that excitement of being married to your person.

Me and my husband had a super small wedding. Talking less than 20 people probably, majority of them were family. I don’t have a lot of friends to begin with (pretty introverted person) and the ones I did invite couldn’t make it. Understandable since we are from Oklahoma and we got married in Minnesota. One friend who said she could go literally cancelled the day they were supposed to be driving up.

My point is, the day isn’t about your friends or even your family really. It’s about you and your soon to be husband and there’s no reason to get down about that sort of stuff. I promise on the day of your wedding, the only thing you’ll be thinking about is your SO. Good luck and just have fun!

Going to my friends’ weddings from out of town is going to end up costing well over $10,000 in dresses, missed work, travel, etc. not to mention gifts for 3. I’m only going to one where I’m not in the bridal party because no one is (non-trad wedding)

Is there a chance you can still invite local people even if you don't think of them as friends? The way I see it, a wedding is about the future, not the past. So I feel it may be more prudent to invite people who would likely continue to be in your life through your marriage and can look back and remember being part of your wonderful wedding. It might be tempting to invite old friends who will come for the day and go on to disappear from your life down the line. Invite local people who will always remember your wedding whenever they see you.

My husband and I eloped last year and had a reception a few months after. We invited nearly 200 people. 80 people RSVPed and about 60 actually showed up. I was very stressed out about it. I was worried that no one would come and it wouldn't be any fun. But it was great! We had a blast. Everyone said it was the best wedding reception they'd ever been to.

What you're feeling is normal. But on the actual day when you're actually there it won't matter at all.

because we've moved away and they would've needed to travel for the wedding.

I don't know what you expect, OP. If you're outside of driving distance, it's going to be a big deal for anyone who is coming. They're going to have to pay for a plane ticket, hotel room, rental car, etc. Not everyone is made of money. Your essentially asking your friends to spend a vacation's worth of money on your wedding. For people that you don't even see regularly.

Your husband is who you should be disappointed about if he doesn't show up. As for the people you want to see have your honeymoon trip or anniversary trip be traveling to the cities or states where these people are and meeting up ?

I'm only inviting about 10 friends to my wedding for this reason. Maybe 4 of them I'm inviting out of politeness (and maybe a little sentimentality) because I know they probably won't go because we haven't seen much of eachother in a few years. A lot of my really old friends have new friendship groups now and new commitments and things going on in their lives, and while it might seem like yesterday we were the best of friends it's actually been years. I'm even guilty of neglecting them a bit because of my relationship and my job. If they do come it'll be nice to see them but I'm not setting my heart on it.

Hey a very similar thing is happening to my friend who is getting married and we’ve all realized she’s not a very nice person and only one of us is going and that’s just because she likes her parents. Maybe take some time to analyze how you’ve treated these people over the years. Are you always the one getting contacted instead of reaching out? Do you actually listen to their problems?

It's really hard when someone lives far away. I didn't go to my best friends wedding for multiple reasons. One of them being health issues and the other was money..going the wedding would have cost so much in travel, lodging, and trying to find a trustworthy person to watch my kids. My health would have been jeopardized too. I know you are sad but try to push through it. I bet some of your friends are devastated like I was when I couldn't go.

You guys need new friends lol , i had something similar happening to my wedding , my husband s Friends half didnt come but that day you seem to not care about anything except the fact you and your loved one are getting married. The rest doesnt matter that much.

I had 3 receptions all in different places. Bring the party to them, you don't have to get crazy with it. A gathering at a bar, maybe a couple tables at a restaurant. Spend less on your honeymoon and more on people you love, if that's your prerogative.

I’ve only gone to one of my friends weddings. But before I get crucified for that, she was my best friend and I hadn’t seen the other friends in over 5 years before I got the invite. Due to them not making any effort; I had tried to reach out but it was always a no lol. I doubt I will invite that many non family members to my wedding but when it happens, I wouldn’t be disappointed if someone can’t make it. The important (immediate family and the person you’re marrying) people will be there, so why do the other people matter. Will be my attitude.

OP, your friends who want to be there will be there - and that’s that. The ones who want to celebrate with you will be there in-person, and that is what you should be focusing on. I’m sorry some of your friends (or most of your friends) aren’t going to be there at the biggest day of your life but please don’t forget the people who WILL be there. Life is too short to be upset at these minor things and yes, your friends not going to your wedding is a minor thing. This is your wedding - and you should remember that. The focus is on you and your soon-to-be new spouse NOT your friends.

I didn’t invite anyone to my wedding who I hadn’t seen in person in the last year (unless they were close family like an aunt of uncle.) I wouldn’t attend a wedding for someone I hadn’t seen in the past year either. People are so damn rude about not returning RSVP’s though.

i refused to go to my cousins wedding because it was a few states over. sometimes asking someone to take time off of work, book a flight, rent a car and hotel, buy you a gift, buy an outfit and act happy about it is just asking a little too much. i doubt its anything personal.

It depends on friendship I guess. I took a flight from US to Belgium for my friend’s wedding because I care about her. We have always been close no matter how far we are, we call/text/insta/snap almost everyday just to share what is happening in our lives.

Maybe you were never close enough with them, maybe you didn’t make them feel important enough to be your friends. That is one thing which we all do, to stop communicating and not staying in touch (I m trying my best not to be one of those).

Don’t blame them but sit and think, were you ever close enough friends with them, have you really tried to stay in touch and ever asked them how were they doing without any expectation?

Also traveling and staying at a hotel are expensive maybe they can’t afford it or they don’t have the time.

I grew up in Northern California, went to college in NY, and was living in Southern California when I got married in Portland, OR, where my husband’s family lived. I invited a few friends from my hometown but I knew none of them would make the 500 mile trip, and none of them did. I just accepted that at the outset. Some close college friends flew in from NY but other than family it was only my husband’s friends who were still living in town.

I know it hurts that your childhood friends don’t want to share this moment with you, but it’s probably true that a lot of them aren’t as good of friends as they used to be. People change, lives change, and it’s not personal. It just means it’s time to move on, make new friends, and be thankful for the good times you had with your old friends. As you are already doing, look forward to the friends you will make as a couple.

Outside of my wedding party, which was three girls so relatively small, only two close friends and two non close friends showed up. The two non ones I almost wish didn’t because they didn’t know anyone else and it was impossible to spend any time with them. Point being the ones that matter the most are there.

Travel is hard. My husband and I were invited to two weddings this year. I had to skip one, and financially I wish I was skipping the second but it's important to him that I attend. And we're fortunate and in a decent financial position- one friend was practically family, the other he's in the wedding party. Anyone else at this point would definitely be a no, and it wouldnt be a slight on them, I just can't keep travelling for short occasions right now.

When we did our wedding list we invited only people we thought we would still want in our lives after 5 years. So when we invited people out of obligation (people we had to invite because of parents etc) and they replied no it was a relief, when it was a friend we wanted there we just assumed something more important (to them) is happening. I guess what I’m trying to say is, just assume most of those people will not be in your life 5 years from now. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just the way life flows. A friend of mine is getting married in July. We are not going because it’s the two weeks a year my husband and I have off at the same time. We are going on vacation. It’s not always about letting people know a head of time. I assumed we would go until a few weeks ago when my husband and I finalized our vacation plans. I had to reply no to her invite. I don’t feel like I have to explain why either (sorry, I know it sounds harsh). It is what it is.

I got married last fall and I would say my husband and I learned who really cared and was there for us when it came to who showed up to what events.

I remember being really hurt that some of our “good friends” and family members didn’t come to the shower, bachelor/bachelorette party, and/or the wedding but in the end we just learned to appreciate, cherish, and focus on those who made an effort to be there. We had family members and friends come from 6+ hours away whereas some friends/family members less than an hour away couldn’t be bothered.

The bottom line is that it’s hard to accept that maybe your relationships with those people aren’t as great as you thought they were, but not to let it take away from your day! I’m sure you have plenty of fantastic friends and family who will make the effort to be there!

Also, on the bright side, at least they’re telling you they’re not coming.. I had the joy of tracking several people down towards the end who didn’t RSVP as well as paying for several plates for people who said they’d come but then didn’t.

How did you send the invites?
•Is there any specific demand included like strict hard to find/expensive dress code , blatant monetary request, bring your own food, hard to access wedding venue (wedding on a hill) no kids (adult only) etc?
•Did you send save the dates in advance? For destination weddings or events that require guests to travel from afar, you need to give an advance notice like maybe at least year so they can save up for air fare or travel expenses and accomodation (if you are not covering them)
•Do you keep on posting relationship drama on facebook/ social media or Constantly bug them about it in the course of 9 years that they got maybe sick and tired of it. Hence, their lack of excitement? (I know someone who ditched her friend's wedding because of it)

These are just a few thing that might have set them off aside from distance.

A little background: I got married 2 months ago. It was a destination wedding. Sent "save the date" invite a year and a half before my big day. I did pretty much everything and shouldered everything including accomodation except for transportation expenses since I gave them to save up Our guest list goal was 150 but went way over the limit. Good thing our Caterer set a 10 or 20% buffer for the food and added additional chairs and table without extra cost. For me, the guest list was a nightmare in the prepping stage especially if you're working on a budget. I always feel relieved when I receive cancellation because it means I can bump another guest from the wait list to the official guest list.

I had 18 bridesmaids all in all. I made a mistake of I inviting all of them out of courtesy because I didn't want to hurt their feelings and they are all dear to me. Lol!
Before I assigned them the role, I first sent them proposal card saying "Will you be my bridesmaid?" with a little bracelet and accompanying letter detailing their roles and resposibilities to give them a chance to opt out. To my surprise all said yes except one who had to drop it due to delicate pregnancy. Instant regret, yes but all went away becausw everyone cooperated. I felt really loved and honored. I thought I had the best bridesquad. Some offered to shoulder the cost of the dress as a gift, my maid of honor sponsored my make up, they all chipped for my bridal shower includng the hotel and food without me telling them. I told them we are not doing it because I was already caught with wedding planning and work.( I pretty much DIY'ed everything.) They still managed to ambush me after my friday shift a few weeks before to the wedding and took me to the hotel they rented. My HS best friend (2nd maid of honor) took a 2 week vacation leave from work for my wedding. She came all the way from Abu Dhabi.

I did encounter minor issues along the way like not being able to set a definite schedule for the fitting or 1 or 2 unresponsive BMs. I just kept my cool and didn't give them any attitude. I just looked for ways to make things convenient for them too like creating a website where they can choose the dress style. I also made a shareable/editable google sheet file where they can enter their body measurement for the dress.

This is not meant to make you feel even worse. Your feelings are valid and there's nothing we, the anonymous crowd, can do to change how you feel.

There could be a lot of factors why majority can't attend like what most of the people here are saying. We have different circumstances but you can get a thing or two key takeaways from my experience. This is also a great time for you to self- assess or reflect on yourself. Was your connection with them genuine in the first place etc? Was your invitation too demanding or short (not in good taste)? Did you choose your guest carefully by asking the following: "did I talk to this person in the last 2 years" "was our friendship meaningful?", "did this person contribute to my wellbeing?"

I just want to tell you that advance notice goes a long way. And also doing the extra mile can play a role since you're pretty much asking them a favor. Lastly, If they are your true friends, they'll really find or make time out of their busy schedules to attend no matter how far you are from each other .

If they don't come at your wedding without a serious reason, definitely they are not your friends. I went to my friend's wedding especially for that day flying 4 hrs by plane just for staying there 2 days. Then I came back, as I couldn't skip work. That's true friendship.

I know it sucks but try and remember how much you're asking of people, especially since they're out if town. One wedding is expensive and they may have others to attend as well. It's okay to be bummed that they weren't there but it's not okay to expect that even some would have been because we're never entitled to someone else's money.

The good news is that you'll get a day with family and it'll be kept small. Enjoy your day!