a girl, her dog, and her polaroid camera

It feels a little awkward, a little unsure still but here it goes…. Vanessa, I love you. I love you for sticking around. I love you for trusting yourself. I love you for learning to be honest about all of it. I love you for celebrating the small stuff. I love you for being a warrior. I love you for failing big time and trying again. I love you for knowing when to call it quits. I love you for learning to take better care of yourself. I love you for knowing when to treat yourself. I love you for all of the growth you’ve experienced in the last year and a half. I love you for doing the hard, scary things that don’t get credit on social media. I love you for learning to breathe deeply. I love you for finding what you love again. I love you for having to the grace to let things and people go. For all of it. I love you.

brooke posted this video the other day years ago and i saved it because i thought it was beautiful and interesting. so now, six years later, i’m sharing it because i still think it’s beautiful and interesting.

for the new year i decided to check in on my 101 in 1001 list. i’m not going to lie… i haven’t looked at the list much since i made it but didn’t do as bad as i thought. going to europe was a big one that i was happy to cross off and paying off my car… but there’s still a lot more to work on. so far it’s a lot of friends, flowers, travel and perfume…

“the criteria for the 101 things is that the must be specific with a result that is measurable or clearly defined. they should also be things that require a some effort or work on my part. some of the things my list may seem super simple but hopefully they’ll kick off good habits that will stay with me longer than the 1001 days.”

is anyone else participating in the challenge? i’d love to see your list (i’m nosy like that).

i still like the idea of resolutions and i do love making lists so i’ll probably have another post up with more ideas but i like the start i’ve made.

start: 06 january 2016
end: 10 october 2018

for my heart

1. reconnect with my favorite high school teacher. does instagram count? i’m counting it.
2. reconnect with a friend from cardiff/london ysa. i was lucky enough to visit marielle and natalie when i was in england a few months ago. i love them both!
3. journal every day for 2 months
4. create a vision board
5. work/collab/do SOMETHING with chloe
6. attend the ballet. i was lucky enough to see ballet west with the utah symphony.
7. finish drawing of denham green garden
8. have a painting done of harlow

for my soul

9. attend the temple every week for 8 weeks
10. complete 10 days of truth
11. commit 50 scriptures to memory
12. subscribe to ensign magazine
13. read reread all general conference talks from the last three years
14. read scriptures every day for at least 30 days

for my mind

15. learn to play one song on the piano
16. read 50 new books
17. answer the 50 questions that will free your mind
18. complete the 52 lists
19. take a photography class
20. take an online class. i took chelsea’s foral arranging 101. it was so fun to have more flowers in my life. i still need to post pics!
21. take some kind of art class
22. use duolingo every day for at least one month

for those i love

23. mail a care package to my mom, brother and sister
24. send my grandmother flowers for no reason
25. make chat books for my nanny kids
26. bake a birthday cake for someone. i made the magnolia bakery’s red velvet cake for a coworker.
27. get harlow’s shots each year (2016, 2017, 2018)
28. make macarons for someone
29. get harlow’s teeth cleaned
30. make a music playlist for someone

for my blog

31. design (or have designed) a blog logo
23. reach 100k followers on pinterest
33. create a weekly blog series and stick to it for at least 4 months
34. meet 10 blogger friends (that i haven’t already met)
35. interview 6 people for a blog series
36. get business cards for my blog
37. complete a 30 day photo challenge
38. hit 2k followers on twitter
39. combine fb accounts and delete old one. i’m so glad it did!
40. take a blogger/social media workshop or conference. i took bri’s social media workshop and it was so fun & insightful.
41. participate in 6 ‘Roid Weeks
42. blog four recipes

for fun

43. pay for the person behind me in a drive-thru. i did it twice. (once because i accidently cut the guy off and didn’t want to ruin anyone’s day.)
44. visit the ban.do party house
45. attend high school reunion. so i didn’t acutally go but i did reconnect with a bunch of friends on fb. there’s not another one before the list ends so i’m crossing it off.
46. attend or organize some type of mission reunion.
47. make a flower crown
48. build a sandcastle
49. go on a blind date
50. use up a roll of film and get photos printed
51. go to a sporting event
52. go to an outdoor movie
53. start and fill up a sketch book

for a simpler life

54. go one month without eating out
55. produce zero waste for two weeks
56. do 8 zero waste shopping trips
57. go two months without buying any beauty products
58. create a capsule wardrobe
59. unsubscribe from all junk emails
60. clear out and get rid of storage unit
61. go through/clear out items stored at my mom’s house
62. go one month without shopping

for my wandering heart

63. visit a state i’ve never been to
64. visit england and wales. i went back to england and it was so, so good for my heart.
65. visit portugal
66. visit new york
67. take a road trip with a friend.
68. attend paris fashion week
69. spend a day at butterfly beach

for my health

70. get new health insurance
71. compile my own cookbook
72. do a raw diet for one month
73. go to the eye doctor. i did it and got cute new specs.
74. find (and go to) a doctor for a physical
75. run a mile without walking
76. lose (xx) pounds
77. do 20 push-ups every day for one month
78. give up soda for at least two weeks
79. floss every day for at least 30 days
80. go to the dentist
81. take a class at dash fitness
82. find a workout i love and stick to it for at least 3 months

89. repair/replace laptop
90. buy a nice bed
91. find a place to rent that I love
92. switch car insurance
93. wake up at 6 am for at least two weeks

for a splurge

94. buy a nice watch. i found a cute daniel wellington watch that i loved.
95. get my car detailed
96. get my eyebrows threaded
97. save up for a new handbag
98. get a pedicure
99. go to Disneyland
100. buy a pair of tieks. i got the taupe pair for my birthday and treated myself to the champagne pair for christmas.
101. find my “signature scent”. i fell hard for jo malone’s orange blossom cologne. i can’t get enough of it. i could go on and on… but i won’t.

Americans generate more waste than any other national population in the world.

In 2014 Gregg Segal asked friends and neighbors to save their garbage for a week then photographed them lying in it. “We’re victims of comfort and convenience. It’s hard to change your habits when it’s so much easier to use and throw away.” Segal tells Quartz. I don’t believe it’s only up to manufacturers though. One of the biggest things I took away from Trash is for Tossers is that with a little effort we can significantly reduce our impact on the planet.

You can view all of the photos here…. They’re beautiful and eye-opening.

“you be the sun and i’ll be the moon.
just let your light come shining through
and when the night comes, just like the moon
i’ll shine that light right back to you.”

these words always make me think of my dad. he was loving and good and selfless and was always happy to let the people he loved shine – especially his children.
today is my dad’s birthday and while i’m focusing on being positive and thinking about how much i loved (love) him and how much he loved me i can’t help but miss him. no matter what was going on in my life or in his life i never once doubted or questioned his love for me. it was constant.

i was trying to think of a story to share about my dad and this is the first one that came to mind:

when i was younger i made a dumb choice – it was thoughtless and selfish and just so dumb. but i hurt and embarrassed myself and my family. i remember at the time thinking that my parents would never forgive me. they were hurt and disappointed. we had a huge field behind my house where we gardened and raised animals. one afternoon i was working in the garden with my dad and he said he wanted to talk to me about what had happened and the choices i had made. he was so serious and i was petrified.

he told me about a time when he was younger when he’d really messed up and how disappointed his dad had been at him. he told me how his father (my dear grandfather) didn’t speak to him for almost 7 years. i was so shocked and terrified that he was in some roundabout way getting ready to tell him that that was why he wasn’t going to talk to me anymore or something crazy. i stopped what i was doing and just stood, leaning against a rake, staring at my dad with a knot in my stomach waiting for the horrible conclusion to this story. and he stopped working too and looked me in the eye and very softly said, “the reason i’m telling you this is because need to know now that that could never happen to us. no matter what happens.”

he always let me know how important i was to him. even when my brother and sister chose to distance themselves from him we remained close. i’ll always be grateful i was there holding his hand as he quietly left this life. later, as i was going through his belongings i realized he’d saved every card, photo, letter and post card i’d ever sent him, along with things from my siblings and cousins and friends.

i’ve said, “i love you, dad” at least a million times in my life and many more inside my heart. the night he passed away as i was falling asleep at my cousin’s house i could still feel his hand in mine as it had been constantly for the previous weeks. and sometimes i still feel it. i know that death is the only thing that could keep him away and i’m so grateful for the knowledge that death is not the end.

i was trying to think of something to do on his birthday to honor his life and everything i thought of seemed so… not enough. so today i’m making and sending care packages to my siblings and trying to send some of his love back out into the world.

“have patience with all things – but first with yourself. never confuse your mistakes with your value as a human being. you are a perfectly valuable, creative, worthwhile person simply because you exist. and no amount of triumphs or tribulations can ever change that.”