I had to wait until today to post in this thread because if my wife was to read what I'm going to write I think I'd be locked away in the loony bin
for a long time.

After I first read your thread I found several similarities in what you describe as I often feel exactly the same way. I am unsure if I am bi polar or
not but I have been diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome, major depression, anxiety disorder and social phobia.

The similarities I have with what you did are:
I always feel as if no one understands me and that I have to run away from everyone because I am different and everyone else is out to get me. The
more I read up on conspiracy theories the more I feel I am getting to the truth and others are falling further away, making it even harder for me to
communicate with them in a logical way.

I once or twice left my first wife and drove off to the country without telling anyone, even my own family, I was feeling trapped and suicidal, but
for some reason I did not want to take my life at that stage. I would probably have just disappeared from society instead and I had and have illusions
of being able to survive in the bush by myself. I have had several vivid dreams where I would be living out in the bush by myself when the shtf and
when I am awake I cannot shake those visions.

Anyway 2 Years ago I left my second wife in the same manner. We had a small argument and then I did not talk to her for 3 hours and my mind was
overwhelmed with thoughts of escaping her evil clutches. So when she had ran a bath and gotten in to it. It was about 3am, I grabbed the car keys,
raced out the door, got in the car and drove to the nearest open gas station 20kms away.

I then put $40 worth of gas in the car and withdrew $1000 from the ATM there. I had deliberately hidden the $1000 for this purpose. I was well aware
of the security cameras in the gas station and I knew that my wife would call the cops and report me as missing with intent to self harm.

So I filled up with fuel made my cash withdrawal and purchased a ham and cheese roll to eat on the road. Then with the stereo blasting out my favorite
metal music, I was totally able to block out any thought of being loved by anyone and my focus was shifted to my dreams of bush survival and the
destination I had in mind, which was in the mountains of the Flinders Ranges, outback South Australia.

I drove through blinding rain that pummeled onto the road and the windshield as it was beginning to flood the road I was on. I knew I had to keep on
driving and heading north and I finally made it through the heaviest rain when the sun was just beginning to rise. I was almost at Burra and the CD I
was listening to finished and my best of REM CD started. I started singing to "The one I love" when the lyrics say "This one goes out to the one I
love", "This one goes out to the one I've left behind". Something in my head suddenly snapped me back to reality at that point and I started to
feel guilty at leaving my family and my wife who was at that time just a girl friend.

I had driven over 200km from Loxton to Burra and my plan was to wait in Burra until businesses opened up for the morning trade. I was going to have a
short nap in the car and then go to the pub to either get totally trashed or buy take away's and keep driving along the back roads to Hawker.

However when I got to Burra and after feeling the guilt I saw a phone booth and decided to call my wife. I thought that if she was angry I would hang
up and then continue on my journey but if she was glad to hear from me then I'd turn back. As it turned out she was glad to hear from me. All the
police force from Berri was out looking for me and they had been to the gas station I was at and seen the security video of me. They knew I had put
$40 of fuel in the car and bought a ham and cheese roll, but they didn't know about the $1000 withdrawal.

When I got back to Loxton my wife convinced me to see the doctor and he put me in hospital for 4 days on a double dose of anti depressants.

The trouble is that I still to this day cannot shake the desire to escape society and try to survive in the bush by myself. Its been nearly two years
since that episode and I have fought like crazy to stop myself from doing something similar again.

I nearly did it two weeks ago, I was feeling majorly depressed because of really high power bills and other financial problems and also because I
still don't think I am understood by most people, I just don't fit in. I waited until y wife took the car to bingo and then started packing things
for me to hike to Moorook 35kms away. I got my hiking boots out, ruck sack, two man tent etc. I was going to walk into town first to use the ATM, then
I would hike to Moorook and then walk on toward Waikerie. I then planned to catch a bus to Adelaide and then another bus from Adelaide to Moonta where
I have a friend there who would not tell anyone.
Continued net page.

Once I was in Moonta I would plan on how to get back to the Flinders Ranges again. Once again something stopped me at the last minute and it was
mostly guilt. So I put all my survival gear away again and said nothing to my wife when she got home.

Now is when I ask people here for help.

What the hell is wrong with me? and what can I do to firstly change my states of mind and secondly I wish so badly to be understood when it comes to
living in the so called real world, I just can't handle it.

Originally posted by R6A6W6
What the hell is wrong with me? and what can I do to firstly change my states of mind and secondly I wish so badly to be understood when it comes to
living in the so called real world, I just can't handle it.

I'm not sure if anything is wrong with you. I think it's rather normal at times to just want to run away from today's problems and be happy.
Society puts so much stress on the human psyche that it is no wonder "a fight or flight instinct" might kick in now and again. A bit different from
my experiences, but the human mind is such a mysterious thing. In a way, we both have a similar thing, we're both looking for happiness. In my own
experience, I was looking for a utopia by following signs. You're looking for your own happiness by being one with nature.

We're just people looking for something that's more gratifying then the everyday norm. Are we different? Yes. Does it make others less likely to
understand us? Perhaps. Is that a bad thing? Depends on how society treats those who are different.

The main factor that changes my state of mind is lack of sleep, but it seems like that may or may not be a factor for you. When I say lack of sleep,
in my experience it's literally days and days (I was up to 2 weeks, with little more then 10 hours sleep (and that was quick naps where I would awake
immediately after falling asleep) before my "Adventures" began....

I feel depressed. And I do not know how to handle it. After four years the love of my life broke up with me. And I can't handle it. I want to quit my
job and just move away. I hate my life and what I have become. If I made the right choices she would still be with me. I messed up pretty bad and I
need help. I want I get her back but I do t know how.

Originally posted by Thisbseth
I feel depressed. And I do not know how to handle it. After four years the love of my life broke up with me. And I can't handle it. I want to quit my
job and just move away. I hate my life and what I have become. If I made the right choices she would still be with me. I messed up pretty bad and I
need help. I want I get her back but I do t know how.

Trust me. Speaking from experience, as this is usually a trigger for me, the best thing I can say to do is make sure you are sleeping. It's a horrible
predicament to be in, for sure, but in the long run it will be for the best.

Are you have a sleeping disruption (ie not sleeping, which will make things worse)? If so, then get some Melatonin (I'd recommend 5mg-10mg right
before bed time). Also try and avoid the stimulants (too many cigarettes and coffee) and any depressants (alcohol). If you have a doctor, or are on
any medication then let them know what your going through. They will help accordingly (in my opinion, it's better to get help sleeping so your mind/
body can heal instead of not).

It just takes time to get past a break up. It does get easier!

Also, getting back together is not always the best thing. I did with the last one who left me, and my life is utter crap now... Focus on you, and
making you happy instead of thinking that other person will bring that happiness.

I wasn't psycotic while writing the original OP. I was manic and slightly delusional while writing the OP. By the time I was full blown psycotic I was
doing much more enjoyable things than discussing the new children theory. As the thread goes on I make less and less sense.. Then somewhere around the
where i stop commenting I am psycotic. But your point still stands. ATS may be slightly manic in nature. But thats whats so good about it.

Thanks for you post. I only have a couple of minutes so I can't write as much as I want to. I will get on over the weekend to answer some questions.
I have been trying to run away my entire life. I've never really known why but whenever goin gets tough, I would get the urge to up and leave, rather
than face the problem at hand. Would have day dreams of being dirty and barefooted somewhere on a beach in the middle of nowhere. Still to this day it
constantly calls me. Will write more on the weekend.

Im happy that you have peacefully recovered and i am so happy to hear about such an amazing come back. I was also in a similar position sometime ago.
It is scary not knowing if you can even trust your own decisions, having thoughts of grandeur and feeling completely pushed aside in the world.

You have my condolences and very much respect, but if you ever revert, just know that you are NOT alone friend.

You may message me at any time if you need to speak with someone. Ive been there.

You're not mentally ill. Mentally ill to me is what most people do, which is to delude themselves so far that they are no longer in touch with the
reality of what is going on in the world.

On the other hand, you were and are very in touch with what it going on. That counts for something. Sure, you have your delusions in that state, but
they were a result of that state. What excuse do most people have for deluding themselves to pretend everything is rosy?

I've been manic too. I became hyperreligious whereas before I wasn't. I was expecting to see rivers of blood if I made it to one (I didn't get
there). I gave away money too and spent a lot, but not all of it. I was paranoid and figured the police were out to get me too. They tried everything
to trick me like asking me where I live. I might be on a bus to fly out of the country at an airport, but I am not stupid, and I know where I live.
Next question?

I've met people who were diagnosed with conditions, and some are very far out and out of touch. So what. Plenty of people are! It's just that if
you're out of touch in a way that isn't common, people get afraid.

I call it "bipolar ORDER" because I never felt better and more confidant and sure of my purpose in life than I did then. And besides, I am very much
cognizant of what is going on in the world, why, and why I refuse to cooperate with "society" as a result.

Now, if any "normal" person lives in a bubble and denies the state of global affairs, then they are the ones living in a fantasy world, and they are
the ones who need help.

Some of the world's finest artists were bipolar. It can mean greater creativity for many people. The day I let anyone "normal" in society tell me I
have a problem and I take that personally...will never come.

If one person has a delusion...it's called a delusion.

If millions or billions have a delusion...it's called "life" or religion or a belief.

Soemtimes I feel like we can just to stop being paranoid on these conspiracy stuff and just live our life,I mean what is the worse that could happen
say if Illuminati managed to create a NWO?Just take up arms and join the resistance and fight until you die or something along those lines? Sometimes
that sounds better than getting mentally ill lol.

Reading about your episode reminded me of my own. This is what happened to me. You
might be interested in reading it. I was definitely in another state of mind even as I asked for help in that thread. I actually had another episode
following that one, after seeking help from psychics. I think hearing spiritual reasoning behind my issues triggered the mania. The second episode was
in some ways worst than the first, but they were very similar. Now I've really changed my position on a lot of things, and I've become more grounded
and even a bit more skeptical. The episodes launched my life in a completely new direction, which offers pros and cons. I still consider myself to be
in a state of recovery.

It's very reassuring to hear that you are doing well after what you went through. Congratulations!

Your response to the thread is very interesting to me because I had a similar experience. I recently became 'manic' for a period of about 3
weeks during which time I had acquired a profound ability to freestyle....I was going to call myself Hominem and challenge Eminem to a battle...my
mind became flooded with puns (intended?)...alas the boundless/effortless mental energy eventually subsided and I returned to my regular (flouridated)
self. Like you, I demonstrated my rhyming skill to others who knew me and I felt confident they were boggled, as I was, by my newfound talent. I
have spent much of my life as a performing musician recreating the work of others (ie cover artist) but lacking the spark to create a satisfactory
original work. I was only comfortable recreating, not creating. Too hard on myself, I guess. This all changed during my 'mania' and I discovered
a creativity that was not only excessive, but worthwhile. I have been wondering how to reclaim and continue on with that energy...the conditions that
led to my 'mania' were complex and likely unrepeatable.

Your original thread, which by your admission was a psychotic manic episode, garnered over 118 stars and flags.

If that doesn't say something about ATS, I don't know what does.

Excellent point, and it is both sad and funny as it is true.

Reading the topic opening post made me wonder how many people who are exposing here very unusual theories or personal experiences are - not to judge
but just to question - being or have been treated for mental health issues?

Many of the ATS topics gathering piles or stars and flags are merely long posts gathered from similarly-minded shady websites, are based on
experiences or personal reasoning. Much of these "revelations" made by joining miscellaneous pieces of information - and instead of the resulting
mosaic, dominant part of community sees the outcome as clear picture those random fractions were supposed to be forming.

ATS provides delusional people environment to flourish as the general attitude (if leaving out few token sour grapes) not only encourages very
peculiar worldviews, but cherishes them. This is an double-edged sword: on the other hand it can be relieving to talk to people who share similar
understanding of reality. Then again, such also can feed or support the delusions of an unstable mind.

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