Your “FEED ME MORE!” Monday Night Football Open Thread

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

Scotchy worked hard all weekend on the liveblogs – 2149 comments! – so I thought I’d give him a break and tie tonight’s matches into my usual falderal.

NFL News:

The NFL has filed an appeal of the injunction that’s allowed Ezekiel Elliott to remain eligible to play the 2017 season.

They had to file it in the Fifth Circuit, which is Texas, rather than their preferred venue of New York, which is the Second Circuit, because that court ruled first & against them.

They applied for an expedited appeal, as the season has started & waiting until the end would make any 2017 punishment meaningless.

The last time, “expedited” meant 6 months in the Brady case, so look for Zeke to play the whole season, unless something goes awry.

Finding a third party to blame is the Patriots, who are replacing the turf at Gillette Stadium.

It “doesn’t meet team standards,” said a spokesperson. The surface is apparently “too soft”.

Interestingly, the team touted that very feature — it “plays soft, feels real, looks great and hangs tough” — when it announced the installation of the surface this year.

It should be done in time for their next home game on September 24th. The finest crews in New England shall be ‘recruited’ for the task.

Finally, this shit from last night was ridiculous.

Game Preview: Saints at Vikings

It’s the AP Bowl, because after 10 years under contract – and 8 years of actual game play – with the Vikings, Minnesota gets to experience what Packer fans felt when the prodigal son returns home. Get ready to see a bunch of yahoos shaking twigs & belts at AP (because child abuse is HILARIOUS!)

Actually looking at the game, each QB has a semblance of a receiving corp to work with. For New Orleans, they’ve got a QB better than his targets. Michael Thomas & Willie Snead are all good, but after that it’s a bit of a drop-off – as evinced by the existence of Ted Ginn Jr. on the Saints roster. This handy graphic dates back to the Panthers, but still should suffice:

Meanwhile, being available for the checkdown is what being a Sam Bradford receiver is all about. Y’know, Alex Smith catches all sorts of shit for his tendency to dink & dunk his passes, but Sam Bradford is right up there, but with a dopier outlook of life.

AHH! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING?!

His #1 receivers are the consistent mix of ebony & ivory that keeps Vikings fans hard & targeted on whom to blame. Stefon Diggs & Adam Thielen will be open on most plays; it’s whether Bradford can find them in time before he decides the third deck should have the chance to catch a pass.

The defences are both suspect, so whichever QB gets hot tonight will probably win their team the game.

Game Preview:Clippers Chargers at Broncos

So, the Chargers… [SKY FLIES OPEN]

Okay then.

The Broncos have a ton of quality receivers, a rebuilt offensive line – including DFO-previewed #1 pick Garett Bolles – and a strong defence that still includes noted chicken aficionado Von Miller and probable chicken killer Aqib Talib. To guide this team they have acquired the finest quarterbacks outside of Junior Floyd. They already had Trevor Siemian & Paxton Lynch under contract, but to really round out the competency,

John Elway went alley-shopping and brought home Brock Ostweiler, $34 million richer but absolutely no better than when he left. As long as the three of them can be trusted to throw balls to the right coloured jerseys, Denver should come out on top.

Related

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

“Coach Payton, what can you do to make this come out differently in the second half?”
“Well Suzy, I have a thing at home called the Squatty Potty and honestly I take the cleanest loafs of my life. I haven’t pinched one in about four weeks. That’s how we’ll do it.”

“So how are the Saints going to make up this point deficit, Al?”
“By scoring, Tom. I mean, duh.”
“Well, sure…”
“God, you are such an idiot. You know that? How else would a team catch up?”
“I just…”Tom runs away sobbing.

“Precisely the kind of hit they’re trying to get rid of.”
So let’s make it a 15 yard penalty, which in this case only amounts to a half the d istance, like 2 yards.
If you want to get rid of hit, eject him, suspend him fine him.

Exterminator came to bug-bomb the wasp nest that was in my foundation next to the hose tap in the backyard. Instead of dealing with the problem, the wasps have instead moved inside the house, and we’re running around sticking towels under all the door frames to prevent these angry fuckers from spreading.

0

September 11, 2017 7:23 pm

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

There’s one in the attic and it comes through the fan/light right above the shower. I’ve Mugabe’d those motherfuckers for like a week now.

So in yesterday’s SEA/GB game, which was worse: The officiating or Seattle’s O-line? I’m gonna go with the O-line. I mean, sure, the refs let Jimmy Graham (who once played basketball) to get mugged like a German tourist in Miami in the endzone, but the O-line seems to be actively trying to get Russell Wilson killed.

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