Anne Hailes reviews: 50 Shades of Grey

50 SHADES OF GREY
Various Cinemas

I read the book because I was curious, I hated it because of the bad writing and the contrived plot. Anyone with an imagination and writing skills could do better and have done better so what of the film, surely it couldn’t be worse.

No it wasn’t worse it was just boring.

To an extent it made a silk purse out of a sows ear but only because the director has an eye for fashion and sets. The script was just as awful and the actors Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnston, seemed uneasy speaking the words. As for the erotica? Well the ads for perfume and lipstick before the main event were far more sexy. Interesting that there was also one for protection against pregnancy and one for a fertility clinic!

Although a well made film it lacks excitement, at times it’s like watching paint dry. I have asked others who have seen the film, all women because I haven’t been able to find a man who will admit to seeing it.

One girl said: “It was OK, I’m just here for Jamie and I’m coming back this afternoon.” Others told me: “It was a bit tame compared to the book, wasn’t a turn on at all.” “I loved the way Jamie Dornan’s Belfast accent came through the American.” “A bit slow and I was fed up seeing her nipples.” “I loved it, but it might give some men the wrong idea.”

The saving grace of the whole thing to my mind is the fact that although Christian Grey was a ‘dominant’, selfish and kinky, Ana seemed to get through to him, inject some romance into his dark soul and at the end she stood up for herself, demanded he stop his antics in the Red Room, gets dressed, says goodbye for ever and stomps off to the lift and home. “Ana,” he says. “Christian,” she says and the lift doors close, roll credits. All set up for the followup film.

Forget about B&Q stores getting e-mails to stock up on rope, I went to one store and checked. “Rubbish,” I was told, “no e-mails sent or received.” Fire Brigades issuing warning about messing with handcuffs – I don’t think so.

Remember one thing. Jamie Dornan is not Christian Grey, he’s an actor but I hope he doesn’t get type-cast as a brooding hunk who never smiles nor gets a chance to show his acting skills.

A film for girls and a good night out, a giggle but I doubt it will corrupt anyone nor do I think it will run for ages, those who have already booked will fill the seats but after that passing trade will most likely die off.