depression

Most parents I know seem to look forward to the summer holidays; weeks of fun, plans, and days out with their little ones. Spending quality time, making precious memories. But, I’m not most parents. I’m one of those that dreads the summer holidays.

After working hard on my mental health over the last few months and writing our summer bucket list, I have to admit that for the first time in as long as I can remember, I was actually looking forward to the holidays. Spending quality time with the boys, and making and documenting some new memories. Read more

It’s been a while. A while since I’ve discussed mental health over here. Anything over here, in fact. Because just recently, I haven’t been great. I’ve been in a rough place, and barely opened my laptop. It’s really important to talk about this stuff though and not suffer in silence. If I can encourage even one person reading this to talk; to talk to anyone, then my purpose has been served. Here’s me, serving up a plate of anxiety with a side order of depression. Read more

I know some people like to keep to themselves, but I’m very open about my mental health issues and it helps me to talk about it sometimes, even though I haven’t blogged about it for a while. I just want people to know, it’s okay to not feel okay.

Recently, I’ve been feeling okay up until the last couple of weeks, when it got to the point that I couldn’t even face going out and I was inside for 3 days straight. I hate feeling like I’m going to burst into tears, or I actually do, all day every single day. Like I feel right now.

The feelings of nothing, emptiness, no worth, just nothing. Feeling like I just want to run away, somewhere I can just sleep the days away until I feel better, where I don’t have to cook, or clean, where I don’t have anyone else to take care of, in general, where I survive by sleeping. As right now I don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job of surviving.

I love my boys with everything I have, and I know siblings fight, and I know children whine, and I know they can’t understand how I feel, but on these days, everything just feels so much worse, and right now I just feeling like running out of that door and running away so I don’t have to listen to them as it makes my head spin and exacerbates all of those feelings inside. But of course I wouldn’t. It is just hard, so so hard.

I just like to know I am not alone, and I like you to know that you are not alone, and though it doesn’t feel like it to you, it is okay to feel like this. It’s not you, it’s purely a chemical imbalance.

We can fight it, day after day, after day. One day, something might click, and we might not feel like this ever again. Or, we might fight this until the day we die.

Today is #TimeToTalk Day. Time to talk about mental health with no stigma attached.

I think it is so sad that as a population we feel that we can’t talk openly about mental health. Chances are, if you have never suffered mental health issues yourself, then you know someone who has. Openly or not.

I’m one of those that feels comfortable talking openly about it. I suffer with anxiety and depression. Plain & simple.

But it’s not always so plain and simple.

If you know somebody is suffering, please make the time to talk. Even a simple “How are you?”. Even if they are not fine, it feels good that someone cares when at that time they may think nobody does.

That person at the bus stop. Say hello. They may be feeling like the loneliest person in the world, but you could make them smile. They may be feeling really anxious that day and may just give a smile, but please know that you have just made their day.

Don’t avoid them. Mental health is not a disease. You can’t catch it if you get too close.

It’s been months. Months since I felt black like this. I suppose life can be described in a spectrum of colours, and people will almost always generally know how you are feeling. And right now I am feeling black. Like a black hole of despair.

Despair. Despair at myself. At life. At everything. You know when you consider the worst possible thing that could happen. Is how I feel right now.

People ask, “What’s wrong? Are you feeling a bit low?”. No. No I’m not just feeling low. I am depressed. And it’s repeatedly hitting me hard in the face right now. It’s been fairly under control for months, with slight hiccups along the way, but now. Just.

There are just no words that you can use to describe to someone who just doesn’t understand. Who just hasn’t been there. From an outsider looking in, you are simply just having a bad day.

For the first time in months, I just physically can’t bring myself to get dressed.

But tomorrow. Tomorrow is a brand new day. And I might, just, manage it.

About Me

I'm Stacey, in my (very) early 30's, from a tiny village in Lincolnshire. I'm a stay at home mum to two crazy boys, and a mental dog. Sharing snippets from our new life living in the country. Mostly blogging lifestyle and food, with some Slimming World thrown in.