To all you overachievers who sat in the front row in school, here’s your Part Deux (you know, “two” in French) of Funny Celebrity Holiday Stories.

Enjoy!

The Year of Funny Footwear

“One Christmas, my daughter was just old enough to get into the Christmas spirit of gift giving. I told her and my wife that one thing I really wanted was some funny socks. I mentioned this several times.

On Christmas Day we opened our presents—books, a few shirts, a tie, and some candy. My wife finally said, ‘Well, that’s it.’

Could they have forgotten socks? I started to laugh at the forgetting of my request. Then I started to laugh at the idea it may be a joke. Then they both started to laugh. Then came my funny socks.

I still have some of them. I don’t wear them much because when I do people say, ‘Boy, those sure are funny socks!’”

— Fred Willard, actor, comedian, writer, voice artist

The “Presents” Nobody Wanted

“My family and I all still share a big laugh about the time a guy my mom was dating, with a thick Hungarian accent, was dropping gifts at our house. He said, ‘Oh look, you already have so many presents under your tree.’ What he didn’t seem to notice was what was added to the nativity scene—something our dog left and we had not cleaned up yet—‘presents’ delivered in the middle of the night by our crazy mutt, Suzy, after raiding our Christmas candy.

To this day my friend, Cerami, whenever he sees a pile of dog poop, he imitates Tibor with broken English, ‘Look, it’s many presents.’ I still don’t recall what I received that Christmas, but hearty laughs are the gift that keeps on giving.

— Craig Shoemaker, comedian, writer, and voice artist

What a Blockhead!

“One year, my boyfriend gave me four blocks of wood for Christmas. Literally four blocks of wood, in a box labeled ‘Bed Risers.’ I picked up the wrapped box and jokingly thought, ‘Wow, this is so heavy! What is it, blocks of wood?’

Yep.

The boyfriend had complained that my platform bed was too low to the ground, and actually thought it was a good idea to give me hunks of wood as a sign of his affection for me at Christmas. Needless to say, the relationship went up in flames shortly after, as did the blocks of wood!”

— Helen Hong, comedienne

Ding-Dong: Christmas Calling

“The mid ‘90s weren’t the best of years for me. I was fresh off a divorce and floundering in LA one Christmas—3,000 miles from my family in NYC. To top it off, I was working as a writer for a TV pilot, and on December 23, which was a Friday, the crew was released.

In short, we didn’t get picked up.

With no job and no family, and very alone, I decided to sit in my one-room apartment and brood. Of course I lived in apartment 13, so it fit well. Much of the time, I wore a Santa hat just to make myself even more miserable.

On Christmas morning, I got the requisite calls from friends and family. My plan was to try and sleep until the New Year.

At about 4 p.m., my doorbell rang, and I dragged my unwashed, depressed carcass to open it. Low and behold, a vision dressed like an elf from a PG-13 movie appeared at my door. Quicker than I could say ‘Can I help you?’ she barged in and started singing and tap dancing, handing me balloons and flowers.

For a moment, it felt like someone I knew must have known I was feeling down and did this long distance to cheer me up. I was happy.

For a moment. Then the song ended and she said ‘Merry Christmas, Gordon.’

I’m not Gordon.

We figured out that she needed apartment 31. She was so embarrassed. Back went the balloons and flowers. She went out of my apartment and up to unit 31. I went back to brooding.

Fifteen minutes later, she knocked on my door again. Her shift was done, and she was also a transplanted East Coast person and had no one to spend Christmas with. I quickly showered, and we went for a drink.

We dated for a few months. A girlfriend—a very unexpected gift.

— Jim Mendrinos, writer and stand-up comedian, WorldBestComic.com

Michele Wojciechowski is the award-winning author of the humor book Next Time I Move, They’ll Carry Me Out in a Box (which makes a great holiday gift, hint, hint), writer of the award-winning humor column, Wojo’s World®, and a not-yet award-winning stand-up comic. She would write something clever here, but she’s still laughing at the line “Merry Christmas, Gordon.” Check out her website at www.wojosworld.com.