The Tenth Day of Mellowmas: FTS Speedwagon

Two people, separate rooms
Trying to hurt the other
Bound together by destiny
Is there nothing they won’t do?
Will we never see them through?

On the outside, this man is smiling, but let us tell you: Kevin Cronin is very angry with Christmas, ladies and gentlemen, and here is your proof.

Well, well, well — the day has finally come to shoot some fish in a barrel. Although Jason has since admitted on Twitter that he found some enjoyment in “The First Noel” and “Blue Christmas,” there will be no happiness in today’s chat. You will soon see why. TWICE.

Jeff: That’s Kevin Cronin attempting to channel the spirit of Ray Charles. And the spirit of Ray Charles attempting to take a shit in Kevin Cronin’s brain.

Jason: And wait a minute — it FADES OUT? Why would you fade out a song like this?

Jeff: I’m guessing someone in the band started screaming midway through the next bar.

Jason: Yes! That’s why! Cronin kept ad-libbing and the drummer walked out! And the producer was like, “Well, we certainly can’t have the words ‘fuck this shit!’ on our Christmas record, so I guess we’re fading out.”

Jeff: Or threw one of his sticks at Cronin’s bleached Play-Doh head.

Jason: That’s what they should have called the album. Fuck This Shit: An REO Christmas.

Jason: No! I’m just kidding! Although if you were to die, dibs on your wife. Just saying. Someone else can take the kids, though.

Jeff: Kevin Cronin?

Jason:gasp I can’t believe YOU went there. I may wish horrible things on you sometimes, but I would NEVER wish Kevin Cronin on your kids.

Jeff: After all the nights they’ve woken me up, they deserve to be extras in a skit on an REO Speedwagon holiday album. A Very REO Memorial Day.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Arbor Day with FTS Speedwagon.

Jeff: So I haven’t listened to anything else from this album since I reviewed it, and in the interest of fairness, I feel like we should probably listen to another track. Just to see if maybe the FTS fans were right. Maybe I missed something.

Jason: I’m okay with that.

Jeff: Let’s give REO a shot at making this Mellowmas season joyous.

Jason: Sure! What song shall we torture our readers with?

Jeff: How about “Joy to the World”?

Jason: I don’t think that title is accurate, but okay.

Jeff: Let’s give Kevin a chance.

Jason: I don’t think he deserves it, but okay.

Jeff: Let’s, uh…*cough*…open our…*snicker*…Fuck it. I can’t pretend anymore. We’re going to pound on this song like a piñata.

Jeff: “I can feel your drumsticks! Whoa, whoa, whoa!”
So upon further reflection, I’ve come to the conclusion that REO Speedwagon fans have no taste and don’t know what they’re talking about. And they can eat me.

Jason: Great. Now our comments section is going to get hammered.

Jeff: Bring it on, effeminate rockers!

Jason: I can see why REO fans would like this album. If you like REO and Cronin, this is obviously right up their alley.

Jeff: I feel like you have to like REO and Cronin, but also hate Christmas.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Because otherwise, you’ve surely heard many dozens of superior versions of these songs. And you know this album is an affront to all holidays. Of all cultures.

Jason: That’s true, but if they’re real fans, like the ones that want us to kill ourselves for making fun of them, it probably doesn’t matter to them. I’ll at least give credit to the band for playing right to their fans. As opposed to another Mellowmas artist we’ll be discussing shortly.

Jeff: The only thing I’ll give credit to the band for is managing to keep themselves medicated enough to deal with Cronin’s shit without plunging into full-on addiction.