Our experts answer: Is he Mr. Right if I don't feel attracted at first sight? And what happens when two quiet types go out on a date?

I am a 29-year-old woman and wish to get married. (I've been divorced 5 years and have a child.) I'm lonely and, to be honest, I'm afraid to stay single any longer. I also feel obligated to build a normal family, since my child needs a stepfather.

I am in contact with someone who seems to be a decent person. The problem is, I don't feel any attraction to him. It's more than not liking his appearance. He is my anti-type, which means that he is very different than the type of man I'm attracted to. Should I continue the contact with him in order to get to know him better and possibly overcome disliking his appearance? Could we ever make a good match?

Shoshi in LA

Dear Shoshi,

Few of us could ever imagine marrying someone whose appearance repulses us, and in fact Jewish law actually prohibits this. From a practical standpoint, it isn't merely enough not to be repulsed by someone. You've got to be attracted to the person you marry. For many people, attraction is not instantaneous. It develops as they get to know the person they are dating.

Attraction doesn't mean being overcome with desire each time you see him.

Attraction does not mean that you are overcome with desire each time you see your date. A woman's attraction often means that she likes at least one aspect of her date's appearance. He may have warm eyes, a cute dimple or a great smile. (A man is usually attracted to a woman's overall physical appearance.)

Before you consider dating this man seriously, just make sure you're not simply grasping at the first "decent" guy who comes your way. Re-think your goals for the coming years, the lifestyle choices that you'll be comfortable with, and the personal qualities you'd like to see in a future spouse. If you and your dating partner have compatible goals, lifestyle choices and personalities, it's worthwhile to see how this can develop over time.

It may be that as you get to know this man, his appearance will "grow" on you, as has happened in many successful coutships. It would help if you could minimize your sense that this man is, as you say, your anti-type. Does his appearance turn you off because it is not the "ideal" way you'd like a man to look? If so, try letting go of the stereotyped images you carry around with you. Does this man have some physical characteristics that you really dislike? Why do you dislike these characteristics? Do they remind you of someone you disliked or of an unpleasant experience?

Once you understand the negative association, it may be easier for you to stop making it. If you can't let it go, it will be difficult, if not impossible, for you to develop physical attraction for this man.

In any event, once a couple has dated 4 or 5 times, each of them should be feeling at least a small amount of physical attraction. If it doesn't start by this point, there's a good chance it may never develop.
Rosie & Sherry

"BIG TALK, LITTLE TALK"

Dear Rosie & Sherry,

A few weeks ago you suggested to someone not to go into too deep stuff the first few dates, but rather to carry on "airplane" conversation. I have a very big problem with that. By nature I am not such a big talker, especially when it comes to having to talk about nothing. On top of all that I usually get set up with guys who are as quiet as I am. You can imagine what a "great" conversation we have. What can I talk about that's not too personal? Thanks for your help.

Yehudit

Dear Yehudit,

Don't be intimidated by the idea that you have to become a great conversationalist in order to have a successful date. Conversation is a skill that can be developed well by anyone with a little practice. We suggest that you enlist the help of one or two friends to help you work on your conversational technique. Here are some exercises you can do together:

You don't have to be a great conversationalist to have a successful date.

See how many non-personal topics of conversation each of you can think of in 10 minutes. Stay away from any subject that involves thoughts or experiences that are too personal to be shared with a stranger. At the same time, don't confine yourself to careers, politics and Jewish geography. Think of hobbies, programs that pique your interest, something you hope to accomplish -- information that's personal but not private.

You and your friend should then choose which of these topics are the most interesting. Think of anecdotes or points of interest you can tie into some of these topics.

Next, role-play by having conversations on several of these topics. Take turns being the person who initiates the dialogue. During your "practice sessions," do more than simply give brief answers and then let the subject drop. Focus on an interesting point and expand it. For example, think what you would ask a friend about her recent business trip.

Rehearse questions that ask for a description or an opinion. Practice phrases that will keep the conversation flowing, so that it doesn't sound like a one-sided interview. "You know, something similar happened to my brother....", or "You know, what you just said reminds me of..." You should also practice moving onto another topic when the conversation becomes awkward, "That's an approach I'll have to spend some time digesting. I'm interested in hearing how you...."

After at least three practice sessions, you and your friend can compare progress. Hasn't it become easier for you to think of subjects to talk about, to express your own thoughts, to draw the other person into a conversation? Couldn't you ask most of the same questions of your date? Couldn't you give you date most of the same answers you'd give a friend?

If you're not happy with your progress, try a few more role-playing sessions. By then, you should be comfortable enough with conversation to try it with a new date. Good luck!

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About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...