Charlie Sheen Went On Top of a Building With a Machete

“And this, my peoples, is what I shall use to cut your childrens throats- Wait. Wrong speech. This, my peoples, is what I will use to cut the whores. There, much better.”

After being fired from Two and a Half Men yesterday, Charlie Sheen decided to go on top of the Live Nation building in Beverly Hills with a machete because he’s a freedom fighter now. Yes, nothing will stop Senor Carlos from fighting for his peoples. And by peoples I mean his paycheck from the last eight episodes Warner Bros. canned because you can’t pay hookers in catchphrases. I’ve tried. People reports:

“Put yourself in my shoes for one warlock nanosecond. At some point there is nothing to say. Only war to wage … The winds are howling tonight. The gods are hungry. The beast is alive. And awake. And deadly.”

You know what I love most about that quote? Charlie Sheen actually said the words, “At some point there is nothing to say,” as if that could ever possibly happen. It’s to the point now where he runs out of milk and goes on an eight hour diatribe about clans of breached whales plotting against his warlock kingdom for control of Tiger Blood Fountain. I’d start calling him Crack Tolkien, but he hasn’t claimed to possess the One Ring yet. You really want to save that bomb for a courtroom.

charlie, you look like a fuckin clown. literally. i KNOW you’re balling your eyes out inside.

get help, if only to learn to live for your kids, who probably still think you’re the greatest man in the world. snuff it falling off a roof thinking you can fly next, well guess what they won’t even remember you in five years.

Oh yeah, he is totally sober. Machete, cigarette and swiggin’ “Tigers Blood” out of a bottle on the top of a building in Hollywood. My dad pulls the same sh*t, but thankfully he is not famous so they just throw him in jail…