Re: Etiquette Questions

Originally Posted by Critical;2841363;

Wow, Marley. What a mess. While yes, the groom's family does the rehearsal, your niece is an adult and should have said that you, as her aunt, should absolutely be invited. All the rehearsal dinners I've ever been to (including my brother's) involved the wedding party and close family of the bride and groom. The families of the bridesmaids and groomsmen stayed home. Anyone know the rules on this, if there are any? All I know is that the rehearsal dinner shouldn't be an exclusive party for the groom's family.

I don't know the rules, but all the rehearsal dinners I've been involved in only include the bride & groom, their parents, and the wedding party. Of course, they are also usually pretty casual affairs. Another one of the wacky Western Canadian cultural mores include having an "after" party, which is yet another drunken funfest the day after the ceremony. Usually more family members and friends attend that one.

All that aside - Marley, I think that you're within your rights to have some hurt feelings over this. It's probably best to say nothing, but I would book myself a manicure and/or pedicure during the scheduled rehearsal dinner and if your SIL asks you to come at the last minute because there's "room", nicely decline and say you're heading out for a little pampering and you'll see them on the wedding day.

All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday NextI don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry RollinsAll this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

Re: Etiquette Questions

Marley, I can't believe that there isn't room for one more. I can even see if none of the aunts/uncles were invited, but to invite all but one is just plain rude IMO. WTH is that all about? Anyways, I agree that I would politely decline and I like AJ's suggestion. I guess in the big scheme of things I would just let it go. Weddings can be crazy times, but to you.

Re: Etiquette Questions

It used to be that out of town relatives were invited to the rehearsal dinner. Not every 3rd cousin, but the aunts and uncles usually were included in that dinner if they came from out of town.

That custom has really dropped by the wayside in the last 20-30 years.

I don't blame you for having hurt feelings. They should have just said that the rehearsal dinner is small and dinner would be on your own that night.
But the back and forth and the "if you have room" thing are really kind of tacky in my opinion.

ETA: I agree with canuk on this one. Book something fun for you and your husband and if they suddenly have room, you can decline with the fact that you've made previous arrangements.

Re: Etiquette Questions

I'm with AJane. Make other plans. If you get the last-minute invitation to dinner, tell your niece that you don't fly "stand-by" and that you've booked another flight. That will leave her wondering WTH In the grand scheme though, it is her turn in the spotlight so don't bring it up any hurt feelings sooner than her 10th anniversary.

Re: Etiquette Questions

Marley, I can sort of understand them limiting the rehearsal dinner guest list I guess...but I don't understand the wishwashyness. It's tacky and rude. What they're basically saying is that you are invited IF the A team guests RSVP no. Well, why the heck don't they know who's attending this dinner yet?

When I was inviting guests to Mr. Lane's and my wedding, I read all the Emily Post etiquette guidebooks and used what I thought was appropriate. One of their tips was to have a number in mind of how many people you can invite -- let's say 150 guests. But you have over 200 people you'd like to invite. What to do? This is their tip... (I think this was their tip...it was one of the etiquette guidebook tips! ) Break that list down into groups--the must invite (maybe there's 100 of them), the would like to invite (another 50), the rest etc. (maybe another 50 people). (That's not how they phrased it but then again, I'm not Emily Post! ). They said to invite the MUST INVITE list right away and have then RSVP by a certain date. By that date, there will be some people who RSVP no. Then you invite some more people to fill up those spaces. After that second batch of invitations goes out, if you have room, then you invite the others--still keeping the entire party to 150 guests.

The key is that you start early enough so that no one knows they weren't first choice...and you certainly don't tell them that they were only invited after others said they couldn't make it!

Your relatives are being tacky and unintentionally rude. If only the groom's side is at the rehearsal dinner 'cause his parents are paying for it, then only the bride's family should be allowed to invite guests to the wedding since the brides parents traditionally pay for the weddings. Ridiculous! In reality, it should be a combination of both their friends and family members.

If money is an issue, the groom's parents should've picked a less expensive restaurant where they could've invited a couple more people.

Re: Etiquette Questions

I like your ideas, gabriel. I was thinking along those same lines. I also agree with just "letting it go", because after the wedding I will rarely see them, and I will probably never see his family again, so over the long haul none of this really matters. I just want to handle it the right way. If nothing else, I can always say I'm not feeling well, which would be completely understandable after driving for 2 days.

You're right myrosiedog, in fact, three years ago when my son got married we invited all the out of town relatives on both sides of the family to the rehearsal dinner. Around here, it's more of a courtesy to include them because they made the effort to travel so they could attend, and it gives them a place to go since they are in a strange town. I still didn't expect to be invited to my niece's though. I am planning this trip so I can pick my brother up at the airport, and I was perfectly happy to be free to relax and settle in after 2 days of driving and not have to worry about having to be anywhere.

Maybe my brother's flight will be late and we'll have that excuse none of this will matter.

Re: Etiquette Questions

dags - My SIL would be the only one I would say anything to, but I would rather not.

Newf - at "I don't fly stand-by".

Lois - Mr. Marleybone is the smart one, he's staying home with the dogs and cat. I'm actually looking forward to the solo road trip more than the family festivities.

I liked Newf's reply too.

I hope all goes well Marleybone. It is a kind of weird situation, but weddings have gotten weird these days I think.

My neice is getting married at the end of the month. I was planning on going to Florida for it, but am not now due to finances mainly and the fact that none of them have actually spoken to me personally in over 3 years, so why was I going? I really don't know. But I had emailed my sister (mother of the bride) that I was coming and when and they wanted me to stay with them and help decorate. I replied that I was staying with friends and never heard back until I got the invitation to the wedding. They had me do the decorations several years ago for her son and I guess they expected me to do the same this time.

When my husband's sister got married, we weren't even invited to sit with the family!!!!!! Seriously. And he wasn't even asked to be in any of the family pictures! What's weird there is that it was a church wedding and her ex-SIL, ex-MIL sat on the brides family pew. She didn't invite her own parents or siblings, just my husband, only 1 of her brothers, but we had to sit in the back basically. Weird.

ETA: Marleybone, you and your brother should get fabulous concert tickets that night and make everyone jealous they were stuck at the rehearsal dinner while you got to see something really special!