MIL'd misguided generosity

My mil is kind of driving me crazy here, and I could use a little perspective. She comes over to watch lo twice a week and is always bringing us stuff, mostly food, but its often stuff we don't need or want. She's on a fixed income and I feel bad that shes spending her money on this stuff. A couple of examples: formula that's not the kind we use, baby food meat in a jar (i think it's gross!! Ellie gets fresh, unprocessed meat that's the same stuff we eat), and today she brought over steaks for dinner. Sounds nice, I know she really means well, but she said they need to be used up today and I already have a crock pot dinner that's already made for dinner tonight. She never asks first if it would be actually helpful and I end up feeling bad that what she brings gets wasted. Should I say something? If so, how can I tell her without hurting her feelings? Maybe I'm just taking my hormones out on her but it's starting to really bug me!!

My mil is kind of driving me crazy here, and I could use a little perspective. She comes over to watch lo twice a week and is always bringing us stuff, mostly food, but its often stuff we don't need or want. She's on a fixed income and I feel bad that shes spending her money on this stuff. A couple of examples: formula that's not the kind we use, baby food meat in a jar (i think it's gross!! Ellie gets fresh, unprocessed meat that's the same stuff we eat), and today she brought over steaks for dinner. Sounds nice, I know she really means well, but she said they need to be used up today and I already have a crock pot dinner that's already made for dinner tonight. She never asks first if it would be actually helpful and I end up feeling bad that what she brings gets wasted. Should I say something? If so, how can I tell her without hurting her feelings? Maybe I'm just taking my hormones out on her but it's starting to really bug me!!

You don't sound rude. It's concern for her too. It is very nice of her but I agree it's hard that she's essentially wasting money on the stuff. I think this would be a good one for dh to handle. If he won't politely tell her it's not necessary but if she really feels the need to do things maybe put the money in a bank account or even a piggy bank for lo instead. Good luck.

You don't sound rude. It's concern for her too. It is very nice of her but I agree it's hard that she's essentially wasting money on the stuff. I think this would be a good one for dh to handle. If he won't politely tell her it's not necessary but if she really feels the need to do things maybe put the money in a bank account or even a piggy bank for lo instead. Good luck.

Oh the piggy bank is a good idea! We are Jewish and we give what's called tzedakah, which is essentially a piggy bank to give to charity. She would love that! I also agree that dh should talk to her, not me! She is the nicest person, I just think her generosity could be a lot more useful if she'd ask first. One day we needed baby Tylenol and she brought baby Advil, without asking of course, which we already had a ton of. Oy!

Oh the piggy bank is a good idea! We are Jewish and we give what's called tzedakah, which is essentially a piggy bank to give to charity. She would love that! I also agree that dh should talk to her, not me! She is the nicest person, I just think her generosity could be a lot more useful if she'd ask first. One day we needed baby Tylenol and she brought baby Advil, without asking of course, which we already had a ton of. Oy!

Sh!t, that was a total crash and burn. Mil comes over twice a week to watch Ellie while dh naps since he works the night shift. I got home from work tonight to find dh (reluctantly) cooking the steaks mil brought while the crock pot dinner I'd made sat untouched in the corner. I asked him how Ellie was doing and he said she was cranky until he realized that mil had forgotten to feed her solid food dinner. Ellie was filthy, in damp pjs and clearly hadn't been changed in a long time. Wtf? Mil is so spacey but jeez! So dh sat down to eat steak and mil insisted that he needed a baked potato to go with it and I just snapped. I blurted out that I was irritated that she didn't communicate about dinner and she cried and I feel soooooo bad! I apologized so many times and she said she didn't mean to intrude and now I feel horrible for hurting her feelings. :( I hope she will not feel too bad about it and just remember to ask before bringing dinner. Oy vey!!

Sh!t, that was a total crash and burn. Mil comes over twice a week to watch Ellie while dh naps since he works the night shift. I got home from work tonight to find dh (reluctantly) cooking the steaks mil brought while the crock pot dinner I'd made sat untouched in the corner. I asked him how Ellie was doing and he said she was cranky until he realized that mil had forgotten to feed her solid food dinner. Ellie was filthy, in damp pjs and clearly hadn't been changed in a long time. Wtf? Mil is so spacey but jeez! So dh sat down to eat steak and mil insisted that he needed a baked potato to go with it and I just snapped. I blurted out that I was irritated that she didn't communicate about dinner and she cried and I feel soooooo bad! I apologized so many times and she said she didn't mean to intrude and now I feel horrible for hurting her feelings. :( I hope she will not feel too bad about it and just remember to ask before bringing dinner. Oy vey!!

I just realized in repeating myself here! I'm also still feeling kinda mad about the whole thing, like how dare she bring me steak for dinner?! It's a stupid thing to be mad about, right? I should be grateful...? I'm torn between my anger and guilt now!

I just realized in repeating myself here! I'm also still feeling kinda mad about the whole thing, like how dare she bring me steak for dinner?! It's a stupid thing to be mad about, right? I should be grateful...? I'm torn between my anger and guilt now!

Aww I can understand how you feel but your MIL sounds like she means well. Maybe you can put a shopping list on the fridge and incl LOs items. You don't have to buy what's in it but it indirectly let's MIL know what items you actually need incase she can't resist the urge to buy something. Either that or return the favor and buy her something you know she need but won't buy at the end of each month to help her out.

Aww I can understand how you feel but your MIL sounds like she means well. Maybe you can put a shopping list on the fridge and incl LOs items. You don't have to buy what's in it but it indirectly let's MIL know what items you actually need incase she can't resist the urge to buy something. Either that or return the favor and buy her something you know she need but won't buy at the end of each month to help her out.

I'm in a similar situation with my MIL. I have just decided that if she gives us food then it will be for lunch tomorrow or what I cooked will be. as far as buying stuff for lo I started bringing up small talk about toys ds likes and the type of foods he likes/dislikes. it indirectly tells her what is acceptable and what's not. it has not fixed the problem but has helped. I also will return items and get something that's needed. I just don't tell her that, Walmart accepts almost anything without a recipt. I even have returned something there that I got from target to get it in a different size. hth.

I'm in a similar situation with my MIL. I have just decided that if she gives us food then it will be for lunch tomorrow or what I cooked will be. as far as buying stuff for lo I started bringing up small talk about toys ds likes and the type of foods he likes/dislikes. it indirectly tells her what is acceptable and what's not. it has not fixed the problem but has helped. I also will return items and get something that's needed. I just don't tell her that, Walmart accepts almost anything without a recipt. I even have returned something there that I got from target to get it in a different size. hth.

I definitely understand your frustration but I think if you read back your statement you'll have your answer : "How dare she bring steak for dinner."

Gifts are gifts, and it's kinda rude to be bossy about someone's generosity. You can, however, redirect her. Since she likes bringing things you can just drop hints of what you need. You could say, "Man I saw these organic baby foods called 'Happy Baby' that come in tubes- how genius is that?! What do you think MIL, do you think I should get it? Or should I stick to grinding up what we eat?" Then she feels included, knows what you want/need, and doesn't feel used.

No judginess here, I totally get why you're frustrated but you can totally persuade her to get what you want without coming off wrong. GL!

I definitely understand your frustration but I think if you read back your statement you'll have your answer : "How dare she bring steak for dinner."

Gifts are gifts, and it's kinda rude to be bossy about someone's generosity. You can, however, redirect her. Since she likes bringing things you can just drop hints of what you need. You could say, "Man I saw these organic baby foods called 'Happy Baby' that come in tubes- how genius is that?! What do you think MIL, do you think I should get it? Or should I stick to grinding up what we eat?" Then she feels included, knows what you want/need, and doesn't feel used.

No judginess here, I totally get why you're frustrated but you can totally persuade her to get what you want without coming off wrong. GL!

Thank you!! I feel a little better today. I don't know why I was so frustrated and I'm still kind of trying to figure out why this upset me so much. Of course, I am aware of how rude and ungrateful it is to be mad at mil for giving us gifts, and I was being sarcastic when I said how dare she bring me steak :) I think maybe this has to do with my being somewhat of a control freak, as hard as I try to be laid back. I really like all the suggestions to try to redirect her toward things we actually need. I think now that I've snapped at her I need to have a fairly honest (but hopefully more tactful) conversation with her, and I need to emphasize my appreciation of her generosity. I feel like such a bad daughter-in-law right now!

Thank you!! I feel a little better today. I don't know why I was so frustrated and I'm still kind of trying to figure out why this upset me so much. Of course, I am aware of how rude and ungrateful it is to be mad at mil for giving us gifts, and I was being sarcastic when I said how dare she bring me steak :) I think maybe this has to do with my being somewhat of a control freak, as hard as I try to be laid back. I really like all the suggestions to try to redirect her toward things we actually need. I think now that I've snapped at her I need to have a fairly honest (but hopefully more tactful) conversation with her, and I need to emphasize my appreciation of her generosity. I feel like such a bad daughter-in-law right now!

Don't feel bad. My mom is very similar, she brings TONS of stuff when she visits, about once or twice a month. Toys, cereals, snacks, her leftovers, old magazines, you name it. Then she stays with us and has a fetish about doing laundry. Literally, she refuses to relax unless there is laundry going. She will scrounge to find something to wash! She doesn't really fold or put away though, because then it would be awesome. No, she kinda halfway folds things and shoves them random places. Then runs off to find something else to wash. Definitely misguided attempts at being helpful. Sometimes I snap and tell her to quit washing things and just play with the kids. We all like stuff done our way and most of the time we can just deal with them being "helpful" but it's totally normal to crack. I think it'll be good to communicate about your frustration as long as she knows you love her and want her around.

Don't feel bad. My mom is very similar, she brings TONS of stuff when she visits, about once or twice a month. Toys, cereals, snacks, her leftovers, old magazines, you name it. Then she stays with us and has a fetish about doing laundry. Literally, she refuses to relax unless there is laundry going. She will scrounge to find something to wash! She doesn't really fold or put away though, because then it would be awesome. No, she kinda halfway folds things and shoves them random places. Then runs off to find something else to wash. Definitely misguided attempts at being helpful. Sometimes I snap and tell her to quit washing things and just play with the kids. We all like stuff done our way and most of the time we can just deal with them being "helpful" but it's totally normal to crack. I think it'll be good to communicate about your frustration as long as she knows you love her and want her around.

We had a good talk tonight. She graciously accepted my apology for snapping, and gave me some insight into why she brings weird stuff. She said she wants to help us out but doesn't want to just give us money because that's what her mil did for her ex ( dh's dad) and their relationship wasn't so great. So she said she'll just call before buying stuff and ask if it's something we actually need. Aahhh...she's the sweetest person, I'm just relieved to have talked it all through with her! Thanks for your encouragement ladies!

We had a good talk tonight. She graciously accepted my apology for snapping, and gave me some insight into why she brings weird stuff. She said she wants to help us out but doesn't want to just give us money because that's what her mil did for her ex ( dh's dad) and their relationship wasn't so great. So she said she'll just call before buying stuff and ask if it's something we actually need. Aahhh...she's the sweetest person, I'm just relieved to have talked it all through with her! Thanks for your encouragement ladies!

Do we have the same mil?My mil has these same issues but they are really symptoms of a larger mental health issue. She is constantly buying LO things she doesn't need and whenever she comes to visit she always brings a ridiculous amount of food. She has a shopping compulsion and I think she rationalizes buying things for us as a way for her to be able to spend. She can't afford her meds but she gave us Omaha Steaks after LO was born. When she came to visit most recently, she brought 3 bags of clothes and toys. DH's brother's wife and I have shared many a phone call over the situation and have decided that all we can do is graciously accept what she buys us and not feel guilty about not being able to use it or giving it away. It sounds like maybe your mil is similar? Talking to her has never worked and last time DH did, he made her cry. DH and my bil have talked, yelled, begged, and pleaded and nothing has worked. Sorry for the narrative ...obviously I really identified with your post!

Do we have the same mil?My mil has these same issues but they are really symptoms of a larger mental health issue. She is constantly buying LO things she doesn't need and whenever she comes to visit she always brings a ridiculous amount of food. She has a shopping compulsion and I think she rationalizes buying things for us as a way for her to be able to spend. She can't afford her meds but she gave us Omaha Steaks after LO was born. When she came to visit most recently, she brought 3 bags of clothes and toys. DH's brother's wife and I have shared many a phone call over the situation and have decided that all we can do is graciously accept what she buys us and not feel guilty about not being able to use it or giving it away. It sounds like maybe your mil is similar? Talking to her has never worked and last time DH did, he made her cry. DH and my bil have talked, yelled, begged, and pleaded and nothing has worked. Sorry for the narrative ...obviously I really identified with your post!

It's really hard to not want to accept gifts since we are so programmed to graciously accept them. But I guess sometimes they are more for the giver than the receiver. I don't want to be an ungrateful brat, but its hard to watch. Mil told me last night that she worries that we won't have the little things we need. We don't have very much money but we aren't destitute it offends me a bit when our family acts like we're a charity. Ellie has everything a baby needs and then some! So maybe she was trying to prove that she's not destitute either by buying us stuff...

It's really hard to not want to accept gifts since we are so programmed to graciously accept them. But I guess sometimes they are more for the giver than the receiver. I don't want to be an ungrateful brat, but its hard to watch. Mil told me last night that she worries that we won't have the little things we need. We don't have very much money but we aren't destitute it offends me a bit when our family acts like we're a charity. Ellie has everything a baby needs and then some! So maybe she was trying to prove that she's not destitute either by buying us stuff...

im so glad you were able to work everything out, and figured out a solution that makes both of you happy. I think sometimes we forget how much good a simple conversation can do. maybe I need to try talking to my mil also.

im so glad you were able to work everything out, and figured out a solution that makes both of you happy. I think sometimes we forget how much good a simple conversation can do. maybe I need to try talking to my mil also.

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