John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

How to help very young children who don't understand the permanence of death. (Published 8/25/2015)

Q:

My brother died two months ago, leaving behind three small children, ages 10, 5, and 3. The little one keeps asking us when her daddy is going to wake up, and why she can’t go see him in heaven. What should we tell her that can help her to have a better understanding, or is there anything that we can say to help her to understand?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Dana,

Thanks for your note and questions.

As you’re obviously aware, the little girl does not comprehend the permanence of death. Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do to advance her understanding at her age, with the exception of being as direct and honest as possible, within the framework of her language skills.

Also, the “metaphor”* of heaven is difficult for very young children as they are very literal—witness her wanting to visit. You may have to back up and re-explain the idea of heaven, as best you can, in a way that reduces the sense that it is a tangible place that she can visit. You might be able to help her have a sense of holding her daddy close in her heart.

It’s also likely that the five year old may not have a firm grasp on what death means, though she may be able to parrot words and ideas that make it seem as if she does. Please pay attention for signs that she might think that her daddy might come back, and gently explain—again in age-appropriate language—that daddy isn’t coming back.

Please go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of When Children Grieve. In that book, we write extensively about the issues you’re concerned with and how to approach children of different ages with differing awareness of the reality of death. One chapter is called Euphemism + Metaphors = Confusion.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John

*Some people might take offense at the use of the word metaphor as it relates to heaven, since they may have a very literal belief of it as a real place. We cannot say whether or how heaven exists, but we know the issue you’re concerned about with the littlest one is very real and very common.