The story of the messed up, insanely busy life of a single mother who lost herself somewhere along the way. Follow along with my quest to find me, learn to say "no", keep my sanity, and make life better and more enjoyable for not only myself, but my children and those around me.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Searching for Sunshine

It seems like life has turned a corner around here and not necessarily in a good way. Doctor appointments are becoming a way of life lately. Nothing new turned up in further testing for Anime. Later on this week we are going to see a psychiatrist for a psychiatric evaluation for depression. Depression runs deep in my side of the family and it does on her father's side also, as does bi-polar. I don't think she's bi-polar but I could possibly see depression as the root of all of her symptoms.

My latest test, a HIDA-scan, turned up nothing so I am being referred on to a gastrointestinal specialist. Now I really don't feel there's anything wrong with me (other than a lot of gas and belching) but my liver function levels remain elevated and the doctor doesn't want to start me on cholesterol meds until she knows why these levels are elevated. As for me, well, I'll go see the specialist but I'm pretty sure they're not going to find anything. Just more money gone from my bank account.

What has been weighing on me (or one of the things anyway,) is that after the mammogram and 2 ultrasounds of my breast, I am moving onward to see a surgeon at the end of the month. It seems that there is an area of tissue that isn't what it should be. Now that I know it's there, I can feel it. It feels as if the skin is "thicker" there than the rest of the breast. The radiologist describe it as having a "bridge-like" appearance, whatever that means. What I do know is that I have had to wait all month to see the surgeon and even then, nothing will be done at that appointment. It is a "consultation" and my doctor's office told me that the surgeon isn't sure if he wants to simply do a needle biopsy or if he wants to take the whole section out. At the time of the consultation the next appointment will be made for either the biopsy or the removal of the mass. I don't know what else to call it because it's not a lump, it's a whole area of tissue that even I could pick out on the ultrasound. I found it rather unnerving that after the first ultrasound was done (right after the radiologist read my mammogram) and the radiologist had looked at it, the radiologist himself came in and had the technician do a second ultrasound with him in the room to look at the mass first hand.

Now I know this all very well may be nothing but it's the waiting that's driving me crazy. Most likely I will know nothing until the end of May unless I get lucky and the surgeon is able to book me right away for the biopsy/mass-removal. I try not to think about it but it lingers there in the back of my mind.

Mr. Ex is also causing problems. That's a whole other (depressing) post. Life doesn't give you more than you can handle, right?

On a side note, I was wait-listed for the Fall Semester of nursing school. Basically I didn't get one of the 55 slots so now I sit and wait and hope someone drops out this summer and I am high enough the wait list to get there spot.

So yeah, I'm searching for the sunshine around here because I'm sick and tired of all of the clouds casting shadows over everything.

I asked that question once - Life doesn't give you more than you can handle, does it? I was 8 months pregnant. My then-boyfriend had gone out to go bowling with friends, ended up getting arrested, shipped off to another state because of a pending warrant. At the time of the transfer, he had his box of possessions sent home. In it was a letter from his other girlfriend. In the letter was mention of another girlfriend she knew about. I lost the friendship of a sister over it. But I came out stronger. Somehow. They say time heals all wounds. I don't think I believe that. But I hope you can see the light at the end of your tunnel. Small comfort from an internet stranger, I know.

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About Me

I'm an insanely busy mother to three with 3 children in sports, one dog, one job,going back to college in January and a phobia that people will not like me that I'm doing my best to overcome. I'm working on being like Rhett Butler and taking "frankly my dear, I don't give a damn" as my mantra.
I'm looking to take back control over my life, meet new people, and raise my children to be unafraid, independent thinkers.
2008 is my year to be brave and take back my life. Change for the better is the key phrase of the year. Follow the changes on my blog, which is one of the steps I've taken to be brave and not let fear control me.