Old School

IN SHORT: What you get when you remove the sex and drugs from
a sex and drugs and rock n roll fratboy comedy. Pathetic. [Rated R for
some strong sexual content, nudity and language. 91 minutes]

When it comes to movies about sex and drugs and drinking and rock 'n'
roll, Animal House set the standard twenty plus years ago. Every
two to three years since we've planted for another movie about sex and
drugs etc., with regularity. This season's entree is Old School,
starring those masters of comic timing, Vince Vaughn
and Luke Wilson.

What's that you say? Vince Vaughn and Luke Wilson are not names you associate
with Master's Degrees in Comedy? Have no fear, dear reader, they still
aren't. How you feel about Saturday Night Live alumnus Will
Ferrell is up to you. Old School is, as one critic younger
than we are put it, "just another comedy for potheads." Well,
dear colleague, Cranky used to be a pothead and we can tell you, this
ain't no comedy . . .

We affirm that statement by the actions of a non-critic sitting near
us who, when asked afterwards about the funny movements he was making
with his hands during the run of Old School said, plainly, "I
was counting the jokes." He barely made it to the second hand, which
is about right by our count of one very funny sex joke and another handful
of lines worth a chuckle or, maybe, a chuckle and a half. Truly, we were
in the mood for a stupid fratboy comedy. Old School, for whatever
reason, has decided that it could make do by removing almost all of the
sex and drugs and drinking jokes from its template. That leaves a lot
of bad cover versions of "classic rock" songs, and just about
the only laughs in the thing.

30-ish Mitch (Luke Wilson) is so in love that he rushes
home early from a business trip to surprise his beloved Heidi (Juliette
Lewis). Heidi, unfortunately, is sexually entwined in a whole
gang of surprises. Mitch grabs the first available rental house he can
get his hands on -- right in the middle of Harrison University, where
all the men are drunk and all the nineteen year old femmes are fit for
Playboy and hornier than heck. Mitch's married pal Beanie (Vince
Vaughn), promotes a "housewarming" party to end all
parties. Mitch gets plastered beyond belief, but that doesnt stop him
from recognizing, and making a clumsy play for, the lovely Nicole (Ellen
Pompeo) -- after all he did stalk her in high school.
But, when he awakes the next morning, it is the equally lovely, and much
younger, Darcy (Elisha Cuthbert) in the bed next to him,
raving about his sexual prowess during the night he cannot remember.

Mitch must've been good. Both of 'em still have their clothes, albeit
underwear, still on. Even better, Mitch is now known all across the campus
as "The Godfather."

Do not ask us to explain that. Like many of the blackouts that comprise
the first act of this monster, it makes little sense and generates no
laughter. And while Beanie is the instigator of just about everything
you'll see, he's got a wife and two little Beanies and a successful chain
of home electronics stores and we're not sure exactly what he's getting
out of this deal since he never bitches about losing his fortune in a
divorce action if he cheats; a moot point since he never cheats or, frankly,
does anything of interest.

Rounding out our trio of would be degenerates is just married Frank (Will
Ferrell). With permission of his ball 'n' chain, Frank goes to
Mitch's party on condition that he doesn't unleash something called "Frank
the Tank." Again, don't ask us. He isn't built like a tank. He can't
hold his liquor like a tank. Ferell will do all the incredibly stupid
stuff that usually serious actors like his co-stars won't because, face
it, he's a comic and he's supposed to make an ass of himself.

And, of course, Dean Pritchard (Jeremy Piven) was the
nerd slash geek that Mitch and Frank and Beanie picked on back in their
legit college days. He, of course, wants revenge and voids Mitch's lease
because the house must be used for campus activities. Beanie decides to
form a fraternity with a liberal, open admissions policy so that every
other thirty something male can get a piece of, well, you figure it out.
More conflict is added when Nicole's cheating boyfriend Mark (Craig
Kilborn) shows up to redefine the meaning of [expletive deleted,
ending in "hole"].

Even with cameo appearances by Seann William Scott, Snoop Dogg
and a genuinely funny bit by Andy Dick, it shouldn't
be easy to mess up a standard frat versus the college template but Old
School makes its best effort! If this sounds like a lot of unrelated
sketch comedy bits stapled together in a desperate attempt to make thirty
seconds of movie that will look great when shown in clip form on all the
talk shows, pat yourself on the back and spend your money elsewhere.

On average, a first run movie ticket will run you Ten Bucks. Were Cranky
able to set his own price to Old School, he would have paid . .
.

Yeah, we're not the target demographic for Old School but, as
is our choice, we sat in a theater stuffed with the target. One belly
laugh and half a dozen chuckles does not offer up enough reason to drop
a ten spot. Get ripped and rent it.