Liberating Mankind From the Comfort of My Bedroom

Sudden Discontinuity

So I’m taking a break from this work. Just to update everyone who cares (i.e. no-one LOL) I’ve managed to do *turns to list next to my desk and counts*… SIX things on my list of homework! How fantastic. After my break I’m gonna smash this Spanish essay. Like, honestly, it’s not staying on my list any longer; it’s taunting me, I swear. Then I’m gonna force my sister to help me learn my lines.

So I went a bit OTT on my History homework. The task was to create a table with 3 columns – Positive Characters of Henry VIII, Negative Characters of Henry VIII and Other Information. Instead, I created an A3 poster, folded it in half, wrote with that beautifully-stylized Old English writing and added pictures.

With my Sharpies.

Seriously, once the Sharpies come out on a project, it’s going DOWN. (I’m yelling Timber… I’m sorry, I saw an opportunity and I took it). Once I’ve got my Sharpies out, I don’t mess. They’re so important to me, like if I use Sharpies on a piece of paper, or on a project, then that piece of paper slash project should be HONOURED that I would grace its face with my colourful Sharpies.

Enough about the Sharpies. I’m filled with this need to talk about the Tudors, so that’s what I’m going to do today.

On my sister’s Snapchat story the other day, I posted about 300 seconds (if not more) worth of videos, of me telling the stories of Henry VIII’s wives. Honestly, I would do it again, but I feel like it’s more educational and beneficial if you SEE if, rather than if you READ it. (And don’t worry Lawly, I’m pretty sure Teyah saved them all on her phone, so we’ll show you next week.)

But I think that, in a manner of helping me to ‘revise’, I’ll go through the reigns of the monarchs from Plantagenet England with Edward IV to Tudor England with Elizabeth I and hope that I’m getting it right. Obviously this is going to be the most summarised paraphrasing of their lives ever; please don’t hate on me if you’re a history scholar. If I’m wrong, definitely correct me LOL. Let’s go.

OKAY SO FIRST we have this awesome King called Edward IV. (That’s fourth, for all of you who can’t read Roman Numerals). Edward is a Yorkist King. (Remember that, that’s important). Edward is also a ladies man. (Lemme hear you say ‘ooooooh!’) So, for some reason or another, he comes across this woman called Elizabeth Woodville and is all like ‘DAYYYUUMMM, I just GOT to have her.’ So he marries her in secret. Just one problem; Elizabeth is a Lancastrian. (Lemme hear you say ‘oh no!’) This means that technically, she is Edward’s enemy. Anyway, obviously people at court don’t like her, but Elizabeth doesn’t really give a monkey’s because she’s married to the KING OF ENGLAND for goodness sake, like who would CARE what the haters say? She has loads of kids for him (three of them being Elizabeth of York, Edward V and Richard) and then after lots of drama of passing the crown back and forward between Edward IV and Henry VI, Henry VI is killed. Yay, Edward is King happily ever after! And then Edward dies. Oh no, who will have the crown now?! Basically, his brother, Richard III is supposed to crown Edward IV’s son, Edward V. But the boys, Edward and Richard disappear into the tower, never come out and then Richard’s like “Oh, no what a dying SHAME that there are no longer any heirs. Now I have to be King, oh NO what a COINCIDENCE.” So then Richard III crowns himself. But Elizabeth Woodville, Edward IV’s widow is very mad, because she doesn’t want Rich to be the King. So she’s all like “Nuh-uh, Rich. I don’t think so. Over my dead body.” But then she dies.

Nah I’m just joking, she betrothes her daughter, Elizabeth of York, to the Lancastrian boy Henry Tudor. (Later known as Henry VII). And after lots of plotting and scheming, and failed battles etc. Henry Tudor lands in England with a force and defeats Richard III at the Battle of Bosworth, becoming King Henry VII of England.

So Elizabeth Woodville is happy now, because she never like Rich in the first place and her daughter is on the throne. OR IS SHE? Because it takes Henry a whole year to have Elizabeth’s coronation, which is a bit cheeky really, because Elizabeth has a stronger claim to the throne than Henry. Anyways, Henry and Elizabeth’s marriage theoretically ends the York vs. Lancaster regime, and they become the TUDORS. ‘Duh duh duh.’ So Elizabeth has four kids, Arthur, Margaret, Henry and Mary. Arthur is being trained to be King and everyone’s like to him, “Art. You’re gonna be a SIC King. As in the good sic.” So he’s all like “Yeah, I is SOOO ready for dis.” So he even marries Katharine of Aragon the Spanish Princess, in prep for his life as King. But then he dies 6 months after they’re married.

And then everyone’s like to the next son, Henry, “Now, Hal, this is a bit awks but… your bro’s dead so we’re gonna need you to be King.” And Henry’s like “SIC!” (as in the good sic) because he’s never really wanted to join the church anyway. But he’s not exactly trained for being King and stuff so he’s a bit awks. And then when eventually his dad Henry VII dies in 1509, Henry is crowned King Henry VIII and he marries Katharine of Aragon (which is a bit awks, because she was his dead brother’s wife) and then they rule together happily.

6 wives and 3 (legitimate) children later, Henry VIII dies. (Lemme hear you say ‘awwwww!’) And his last surviving wife marries his third ex-wife’s brother, (someone call Jeremy Kyle, man, Henry VIII’s love life was a MESS) and then everyone’s like “Ayyy, at least Hazza had a son!” This son is Edward VI. (Yes, another Ed). But Ed is a SIC King. (Not the good sic, this time, he actually is VERY sic; sic like YAKKING IT UP BIG TIME). I guess you could even call him, Edward the SICth. (I’m sorry, that was so terrible, but I took the chance again!) Eventually, before even marrying anyone, Ed dies.

But not before his advisors, name his cousin, Jane Grey, as his heir. Simply because she’s Protestant and the REAL next-in-line, Mary, is Catholic, the advisors don’t want the country turning back Catholic, not after all the changes that Henry VIII made. So Ed dies, Jane Grey is crowned Queen… and then Mary’s like “Uh-uh, I don’t think so Janey-girl; over my dead body.” And then she has Jane executed and is crowned Queen Mary I.

Mary marries Philip of Spain, who is a bit mean, really, but they’re both staunchly Catholic and basically persecute Protestants by burning them at the stake. So people are really scared of them. And all the while, Elizabeth (sneaky Liz) she’s just biding her time, waiting for Mary to die. And eventually, she does. Mary dies heartbroken, childless and heirless. So now Elizabeth is Queen Elizabeth I of England.

And then Liz steps up and she’s all like “Yo yo yo everybody, I is yo Queen now, I ain’t bout dat ‘burning at da stake’ lyf, so you’s will all be fine as long as you just don’t fight me for the crown AYYYY is we good?!” So everyone’s like “Yeah, sounds good to us.” And she sticks to her word. She doesn’t burn people at the stake for her beliefs, though she turns the country back Protestant. Some bitter Catholics try killing her but she’s like, “Nah, I ain’t having this STILL. I didn’t fight for my crown so you’s lot can come and try killing me, NAHHH fam.” She never gets married, never has kids and overall is a pretty good Queen.