Generation XXX: Talking to our kids about pornography

Approaching the topic of porn with your kids is one of those discussions parents just don't want to have. But in an era where it has become almost inevitable that our kids will be exposed to pornography, we need to be prepared for the conversation.

Research overwhelmingly indicates that males consume 75-95 percent of pornography. Exposure to explicit content occurs as young as six or seven years. Only a modest percentage of exposure to this material is unwanted. And just a small percentage (around 25 percent) of kids feel upset by what they’ve seen – many children and youth are not too troubled.

Among teens, pornography use is accepted as part of growing up, according to Wollongong University researcher, Dr Michael Flood. In a 2003 study he stated, “When asked whether watching X-rated videos is widespread among boys of their age, five out of six (16-17 year-old) boys (84 percent) and the same percentage of girls said that it is”.

Given that this research is over a decade old now, we can only guess at the prevalence and acceptance of pornography viewing among our children in 2014.

Pornography gives our kids an unhealthy model of sexuality and relationships, which they can and all too often follow.

We can’t cocoon our kids

How do we keep our kids away from porn?

It seems that the standard responses to this question won’t work too well. A nationwide USA study found that filters only had a modest impact on pornography access, and various forms of parental supervision were not associated with any reduction in exposure. In other words, we can’t ‘protect’ our kids by cocooning them. It doesn’t matter how high you build the wall, kids will still get over it, around it or under it. There are simply too many screens and too many opportunities for them to be exposed to pornography. We can’t be the ‘parent-over-shoulder (POS)’ all day, every day.

So what do we do? How do we talk about this problem with our kids?

The “Not under my roof!” approach

We need limits, but an authoritarian ban on pornography is going to be as effective as a ban on smoking, drinking or anything else our kids are curious about. Being closed, strict and cold about things drives unwanted behaviour underground. You’ll never catch the kids doing the wrong thing but that doesn’t mean they’re not doing it.

Additionally, you’ll need to become a pro at installing software, checking histories and stalking. It will cost time and money. Ultimately, the kids simply say, “Fine, we’ll go elsewhere”.

But we need limits, so I’m not advocating the permissive approach either.

It’s OK if you do it, just don’t do it too much

Research on a permissive approach with alcohol shows that parental endorsement is seen as a key to the vault and the kids may go on to abuse it. When it comes to accessing pornography, letting the kids know that they can check out images only serves to promote a belief that porn is fine because Mum and Dad said I can look at it. It may sow the seeds of a demoralising, relationship-ruining porn addiction.

The ‘authoritative’ approach

Kids need limits when it comes to pornography and sexuality. How we set those limits is the key to having them work effectively.

Conversations with kids about porn should start before they’re exposed. I’d suggest the following script to pre-arm your kids from around age nine or 10 (perhaps while you are at the park eating ice-cream):

Ask: “Do you know what pornography is? Has anyone ever shown you pictures of naked people?”

You might add: “Sometimes some of your friends might try to show you pictures of naked people. If they do, even though you might be curious, stay away from it. It’s called pornography and it can be really bad for you. When you see some of these bad things, you can’t un-see them. If you see something like this, make sure you tell me so we can talk about it and I can help you understand things more.”

Chat about it calmly. Share your values. Emphasise that interest is normal. Ask them to tell you if they ever experience it or have questions about it.

If your children are older – around age 12-14, you might talk about the following:

Ask: “Is pornography being shared in your friendship group? Have you come across it on the internet? Where? How did it make you feel?”

Even when admissions are made, stay calm. Talk about values and how pornography exposure leaves people feeling icky and unsure about things. Depending on the extent to which your child has been exposed, you may also want to explain that much of what is seen is unnatural, from anatomy to actors doing what they do for money.

Setting limits

The whole point of these discussions is to teach values. As part of this, it is essential to set limits to what behaviour is acceptable. But this will only work when we set limits together with an emphasis on why these limits matter and how those limits keep everyone safe.

Remember, threatening to remove device privileges if porn is accessed will only reduce the chances that your child will talk with you. Communication is key and threats undermine communication.

Pornography is a danger to our kids. It teaches them unhealthy ideas about sex, relationships and their own sexual identity. In its more extreme (and increasingly available) forms, it promotes violence – almost always against women – as well as fetishes and other unhealthy and unnatural practices.

It is our job, as parents, to teach our kids that porn can not only be dangerous but that healthy relationships and real sexuality look much different.

Are you concerned about the availability of pornography to children on the internet?