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Eyes of a child. Heart of a warrior. Soul of a gypsy.

As I alluded to in my write up of hometowns, this part of the season gets pretty boring.

All our contestants do is talk about love and other dumb stuff like that, leaving those of us who watch more for nonsense than substance waiting for any scrap of something to hold onto. Most weeks, it’s literally only in the preview of the show. This is one of those weeks.

A little peek behind the curtain here, I’ve never actually finished recapping a whole season of the Bach or Lorette. By the time we get to this point, it’s such a goddamn chore that I usually just throw in the towel. Not this time. I’m going to see one of these things through, even if it kills me, for you, my dear reader. I’m like a much hotter, much cooler Jesus.

This week was so boring and uneventful, that you’re going to get a pretty fast and dirty recap. Don’t like it? Tough. Life isn’t fair.

This episode was interesting in the fact that it was a small break from the norm. Usually, when we get to fantasy suites (aka, fuck mountain) all the suitors are separated and they just hang out, waiting for their chance to finger or be fingered.

However, because Rachel’s sister is suuuuuuuper pregnant and unable to make the trip to Spain for the traditional finale (pronounce fin-all-eee) “meet the family” shindig, this episode started in Dallas, with each of the three remaining fuckbois meeting the Lindsays. I’ll give you the 10,000 foot view of these encounters as they were both incredibly time-consuming and woefully uneventful.

Peter- It went well. He doubled down on not wanting to propose, which was well received by the fam, as they all seem to think it’s not the best idea to marry some one you met a few weeks ago on a TV show. I don’t understand their hesitancy, doesn’t this show have a 100% success rate?

Eric- It went well. Fam was a little dubious about his lack of a real relationship, but they came on board.

Bryan- It went medium. The fam thinks he’s super slick and was asking him some pointed questions (which really pissed Rach off, making me worried that Bry guy is gonna be the winner), but they more or less came around on him. Def lukewarm, but the preview made it seem like this would be a trainwreck, so that was disappointing.

Miscellaneous note:

Rachel’s brother-in-law has seriously stepped his game up. This is what he looked like during her hometown on Nick’s season

And this is what he was looking like now

Well done, weird brother in law. This is the difference between being related to the Bachelorette and a just some suitor.

After this we got one and a half fantasy suites.

First there was Hunches’s date. They rode in a helicopter and hung out at a cool old church. Hunches said some hilarious shit, they kissed. They went to the fantasy suite and, presumably, to town on one another. Pretty boring, but it seems like Hunches could well get that second slot, but not necessarily because he’s her second favorite, but because of something I like to call:

ConBon’s Theory of Placating the Winner

The theory goes a little something like this: By this point in the show, most of the leads know who they want to win. They have their favorite and banging in spectacular places isn’t really going to make that person less appealing. Because the eventual winner is already chosen, it now behooves the Bach or Lorette to assuage any fears their future ex-fiance may have going into the final rose ceremony. The best way to do this is to send your true number two home after the fantasy suites. This creates less tension for the winner (as they can def tell you’re more into them) and makes your decision less difficult.

Presumed past examples (because obviously no one would admit to this shit) are Chris taking Becca, the boring virgin, over Kaitlyn (aka best Lorette ever), or last season, when Nick took fucking Raven over all-around catch (and current Lorette) Rachel.

Were Rach to ascribe to this theory, then it would only make sense to keep Hunches, as Bry and Peter are so clearly her faves.

Peter’s date was infinitely more tumultuous. The issue, and it’s a big one, is that Peter doesn’t want to get engaged this fast and Rach doesn’t want to leave the show without a ring. They go back and forth about this with no real resolution and then the ep just… ends.

This tension won’t even get resolved for two more weeks, as the next ep is the Men Tell All or, as I like to call it, the Men Talk Over Each Other. Seriously, that episode is almost always nonsense. I’ll be recapping that soon, I swear.

I find that most seasons of the Bach or Lorette tend to have a certain rhythm to them. Things start out fast, so many dudes/ladies, it’s bound to be interesting. We start whittling down the group, getting rid of the boring ones and the uggos. The show will usually then hit a sweet spot, where just enough shitty/fucked up people remain that there’s the perfect balance of camera-time/shenanigans. The search for Love™ is still raging, but there’s a lot o’ drama as well (usually peaking with the two-on-one).

Unfortunately, this is often followed by a real down period. Most of the truly garbage humans are gone (one last “fuck you, Lee” for old time’s sake), pretty much all of the people left are starting to get serious, and camera time for everyone, even the hot boring ones, starts to balloon (anyone remember Chase from Jojo’s season? me neither).

Without some antics, the show becomes a repetitive cycle of people tonguing one another down in increasingly exotic and expensive locales.

Don’t get me wrong, I love every stupid minute of it. It just gets a lil bo-rang

And then we get some mafuckin hometowns.

Hometowns shake stuff up in the best of ways. Even when most of the dates are fairly uneventful, the editors always have enough footage to make it look like shit goes south on the “Coming up, on the Bachelorette” segments (video editing is magical like that). Even when it goes smooth, there’s some small joy in having the rug yanked out from under you.

We get people’s families, who are almost always good for something. At this point, we’re so starved for some variety, it almost doesn’t matter. Sometimes it’s the little things, like watching Nick pretend to like Corrine’s dad’s shitty olives. Sometimes it’s epic, like Jojo’s mom’s mom drinking straight out the bottle like a true fucking champ

Major Hunches (né Eric) is from Baltimore and is excited to show Rachel the city he came from. Apparently, many of the men in Hunches’ fam have made their living “on the streets” (once again, my Wire heads will know what’s up) and he learned from their mistakes and such.

Hunches hometown had two real takeaways.

He’s ready for love. This matters, cuz apparently he’s never been in love, whatever that means.

His parents did a bad job of raising him, yet want to take all the credit for the man he became.

Me here at Connie Bongrips was very excited for the potential throwdown between Hunches and his mom over his allegations of her not loving him, but, when I thought she would zig, Hunches’ mom zagged. She said that she had seen strong men in her family cling to their mothers and not reach their potential, and that was her rationale for not showing her son love. Not only did she acknowledge being a mediocre mom, she fucking leaned into it.

This was further compounded by his dad talking about how strong of a man Hunches had become despite him not really being around, and taking some credit for it.

And it was all such a crock of shit.

Just because something turned out well despite you, doesn’t mean it was because of you. I’d like to say that my early teenage ignorance of Destiny’s Child turned Beyonce into the woman that she is today, but life doesn’t work that way. Shitty parents can have good kids.

But even with all that, Rach was def still feeling the family vibes and Hunches was cheesing like a motherfucker

Goddamn. That cheese.

Before she goes, Hunches tells her more or less that he’s in love with her. She says he didn’t say it, but he basically did, so she needs to give the dude a break.

Date Numero Dos was Bryan a Miami (imagine that the a has an accent, I don’t know to do that on WordPress). Take-aways from Bryan’s date

He overuses the word vibrance when describing Miami.

Rach wants to fuck him very badly (this we’ve known)

His relationship with his mom is going to be a problem

He wears v-necks under polos

This dude’s mom. The amount of times she referred to him as her “life”, or “light”, or “love” was borderline Oedipal. And all that shit aside, this lady literally threatened to kill Rach (jokingly, but was it?) if she tried to take him away from her.

Lady, we get it, you like your only son. But goddamn, you gotta ease it back a notch.

Apparently Bryan’s last girlfriend tried to come between him and his mom (I wonder why?) and it hadn’t gone well. The subtext of all of this was essentially, Rachel, watch yourself, cuz we’ll kill you if you take our greasy player away from us.

I don’t like Bryan. And I’m really worried he’s gonna win. Oh yeah and he said he loved her. Cool.

Peter Peter Hopeful Winner was third. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that my dear sister lives in Madison, WI (Peter’s hometown) and one of her friend’s had seen Rachel at the farmers market this summer, so I was pretty sure Peter was getting a hometown. That being said, this shit went pretty well. Peter got to show off his ethnically diverse friend group (eyyyyy black friends) and introduce Rach to his fam.

The bullet points for Pedro’s date:

He’s good with kids

His walls are up.

Kids-wise, Peter’s niece and nephew were there, giving him the prime opportunity to showcase his ability to not hate children, which can take one a long way in this search for Love™.

Continuing the theme from last week was his hesitance to commit to marriage if it doesn’t feel right. I hope this doesn’t matter, but I’m increasingly worried that it will. Rachel keeps saying she doesn’t want a boyfriend, but a fiance. It makes me wonder if she realizes that a fiance is just a boyfriend that dropped a lot of money, or, in this case, facetime with Neil Lane, on a ring, but I guess that’s just semantics at this point.

The date was pretty boring for the most part, but it did seem to go well, so fingers crossed that Pedro can pull this one out.

This whole ep was pretty much an enormous lead in to Dean’s hometown. All the other dates were of the rug-pulling variety (mostly hinted at drama that never materialized) but Dean’s was the real deal.

Things about Dean’s fam:

His dad is now a Sihk, who goes by Parumrup

He hasn’t seen his dad in 2 years

His whole family hasn’t been under the same roof in 8 years

His dad got rid of all the tables

The last point didn’t matter, but it made for some funny conversation.

The big thing is that Dean and his dad are crazy weird. Dean’s mom died about a decade ago, and it seem to tear their family apart. Dean’s dad wasn’t there for him in the way he needed, and it hurt their relationship.

Dean was so ridiculously nervous for this whole meeting that you couldn’t help but feel bad for the guy. Just look at him

As they’re going in, he literally says, “This is going to be awful.”

And he’s right.

We, the viewers, were treated to a lot of hippie-dippie new age nonsense, like Dean’s dad playing the gong because he likes the sounds of, while everyone lays around and listens.

His dad serves them some shitty vegetarian dish with sprouted mung beans, and Dean doesn’t eat any of it. Eventually Parumrup asks for some alone time with Dean, presumably to talk over some shit.

Now Parumrup thinks this is going to be easy. He even says to Dean, “I must be a pretty great dad because look at my son” (lol, nice try dad). Little does he realize he’s just opening the flood gates for ol’ Deanie Baby to unload a decade of frustration. Dean calls his dad out hard for not being there for him when his mom died, and his dad does not take it well. He gets crazy defensive, accuses Dean of having one foot in the past, and says that he can’t understand what Dean was going through (wrong answer, bro).

This whole convo goes verrrrrry poorly, with Parumrup evetually storming off and doing this

Classic Parumrup.

Eventually Rach tries to talk to him. Things start to get real, until Parumrup notices the cameras and nopes the fuck out of there. Date over. Dean says he’s falling in love with her and, shockingly, she says she’s falling in love with him.

And that brings us to the rose ceremony, where Rach unceremoniously sends Deanie Baby packing.

Was it his dad? Was it him? We’ll never know, but I think it’s probably easiest for everyone if we just blame his dad. That dude was weird and this show (while weird as fuck) is so square, I don’t think there was ever room for Parumrup to truly shine.

Oh well, at least we’ll always have the gong.

The big shocker for me in all of this, is that we’re one week away from fantasy suites (aka Pound Town). Why couldn’t Rach hold out a little longer and get her hands on that nubile, young Deanie Bod? I really thought that was the plan all along. Just one of the many reason why I’m not the Bachelorette, I guess.

Next week though, it’s time for Rach to take these boys for a test ride and see what they’ve got. Smart money says greasy Bryan knows how to work it. Hopefully Pete can get over his inability to love good and at least knows how to fuck good. We shall see.

Well the last week or so has been pretty busy for all of us here at Connie Bongrips, so, to tide you over while I furiously type up my hometown recaps, here are my unedited notes from last weeks episode. Sorry I’m lazy. Kisses

How the fuck are Adam and Matt still here?

Is Geneva a great place to fall in love? What makes a place better for falling in love?

“Guys, we need you to act hyped while getting off this ferry”

Hunches wants to take Rachel to meet his family, even his shitty mom

Matt, this is not gonna work out and she is not gonna meet your family.

How many times will these bros talk about their fams this ep? Over/under 10000000

What is Matt’s secret?

Wowwwwwwwwww, she wants to fuck Bryan v badly

Rach is not playing this diplomatically, but she don’t care

Why does he get to drive the Bentley? Shouldn’t she be driving his ass around?

They would get fucking watches

“I like black”- Brian, and watches apparently. V horny for watches

Are they gonna fuck in this watch store?

Adam and Matt have a little meeting about how they are so lame

Dean throwing some shade at Bry guy

We don’t know shit about Bryan

Dean gets another. Adam and Matt are so fucked

DEAR GOD THAT IS A FULL WINE GLASS

Bryan would want an earring

Bryan wants a pic of her in her school uniform? This dude is soooooooo greasey

Bryan never says any shit about himself

What does Bryan mean by his ex not meeting his mom halfway? What the fuck kind of shit is this lady gonna pull?

Bryan makes me want to cover myself in hand sanatizer

“Now let’s makeout in front of this string quartet”

He is devouring her upper lip

Rachel loves taking dudes to church apparently

“You would have fun…” Dean is hating this

They really need to retire the “Ask the old people couple how long they’ve been together” bit cuz that shit is played out

Dean is fucking struggling

Rach is amazing. Dean is trying so hard to not get real. Holy deflection, batman “What’s your favorite dinosaur? You’re so pretty”

Peter gets the 3rd one on one, Rach is really holding on tight to that top 3

Lawyer Rachel trying to get Dean on point and actually talk. This kid needs help

Now I need to know how eccentric Dean’s dad is

Dean is so bummed he’s getting this rose. He does not want to introduce her to his fam

Can everyone hear me? I just watched four hours of the Bachelorette and boy, are my eyes tired.

But seriously folks, what the fuck?

ABC, why you gotta go and do four hours of this in one week? Do you think I’m just made out of spare time? I am, but goddamn.

For those not in the know, two weeks ago there was some sort of sportsball game on Monday night and ABC, in their infinite wisdom, decided to go with 2 eps this week (Monday aaaaaaand Tuesday) instead of, oh I don’t know, showing one last Tuesday. You’re already airing one on a Tuesday, so why double down? I don’t know, but I’m exhausted (you think it’s easy to watch this shit and write about it? write your own fucking blog then, nerd).

The worst part, is the week got off to such a promising start. Tensions with Lee and Kenny continued to grow. After Bryan (don’t worry, we’ll touch on him more later) gets the group date rose, Kenny says to the whole group, in the most sub-tweeting-est fashion, “That’s very important, not being a bitch ass dude.”

While this advice was presumably directed at Lee, known far and wide for being a bitch ass dude, I think this is a lesson we can all really take to heart. So you there, reading this at home. Yeah, you. Don’t be a bitch ass dude, please.

Following this group date, we are treated to a one on one with everyone’s favorite generic lawyer, Jack Stone. During a talking head, Rach informs us that on paper she and J-Stone are a good match, but she needs to see if there’s any chemistry. And with that, we had this season’s first occurrence of my favorite kind of date, the “prove it” date.

These kinds of dates are a blast because they almost never end well for the person with something to prove. On top of that, they almost always think it’s going really well, until their ass gets sent home.

Now this particular prove it date with J-Stone was extra fun because this is, hands down, the most screen time this bro has had, and I’m not convinced he’s fully human. I’ve talked with a few people about this, and there seems to be two camps that people fall into. You either A) think he’s a robot trying to learn about love or B) think he’s an alien sent here to reproduce with a human female.

Damn, Connie, you may be thinking, that’s a little harsh. How inhuman can this guy be?

Well I’m glad you asked. For starters, he’s boring as all fuck. When asked what he would do if he could whisk Rach away to Dallas, he said they’d chill at his place. C’mon, bruh, that’s so lame to say on your first date. I’m pretty boring like that too, but you gotta wait and trick em into thinking you’re an interesting, outgoing person before you hit em with the sweatpants all-day routine.

On top of that, this dude seems to think the only way to express interest is through staring. At one point, he and Rach dance a little in the street, and afterwards all he can talk about is how he kept staring at her. He repeats this several times, as if that’s a thing people want to hear. Clearly something is wrong with his social protocols (I belong to the robot camp, btw).

To top it all off, this dude/android is CONSTANTLY tilting his head forward. And when I say constantly, I really mean it.

When Rach inevitably sends his ass packing, he even hits her with the sad tilt.

Is it because he’s an alien who doesn’t really understand how you should hold your head when you talk to other people, or is it that there’s a loose bolt in his stainless steel spinal column and he can’t hold his head straight? Either way, mission not accomplished.

During this date, Lee gets to talking with Will, one of the other contestants, about his interaction with Kenny. When Will points out to Lee that there is a long history in this country of white people accusing black men of being aggressive to do fucked up shit to them, the point whizzes right over Lee’s absurdly tall hair. He gets mad that Kenny is pulling the race card (nevermind that Kenny did not say any of this to Lee) and admits to Will (a black man, btw) that he doesn’t “get the race card.”

Now there’s a lot to unpack in that little gem, so let’s dig in.

I can understand living in a world where you think that racism isn’t that bad and that black people are just making a big fuss to get stuff. Hell, I grew up around plenty of people who feel that way. To them, racism is a kind of victimhood that people of color use when things don’t go their way. And while I completely disagree with that view, I at least am familiar with how some one could come to think that way. But that isn’t what Lee is saying. Even the shittiest of Confederate-flag waving fucks I grew up around (I was raised in Massachusetts, by the way, so I don’t know where all that Southern pride came from, but w/e) understands the race card. They think it’s bullshit and pulled too often, but they understand that racism at least used to exist. Lee can’t even admit that. It’s hard to say what his world view is, exactly, other than being an enormous sack of turds, but it’s clear that this dude really really sucks.

The first rose ceremony this week saw two more jabroni’s go (not including ol’ J-Stone), Iggy and the Tickle Monster. Iggy was a little pot-stirrer and I don’t think anyone really misses him. He talked to Rach about other dudes more than himself, violating the golden rule (don’t be a snitch), and it cost him. At the end he claims to have learned more about himself in 4 weeks than he has in 30 years. Did this dude just learn about introspection? At 30? Good luck, bruh.

The Tickle Monster just couldn’t fucking resist, and as he’s hugging Rach goodbye he goes in for a final tickle, to the literal applause of the other contestants.

I don’t know about you guys, but when I see a weirdo tickle some one, my first reaction is not to clap. I guess that’s why ABC keeps rejecting my audition tapes…

At this point, our ‘Lorette tells the boys that they’re getting out of the country and heading to Norway. Pretty dope, it’s not tropical, but they’ve got stuff in Norway. For the first date, Rach takes Bryan (the mouthy kisser) to check out an old ski jump. So cool.

Now I am not a big fan of Bryan. First off, this dude is smooth as hell and I don’t trust anyone that smooth to not be a dick. Maybe this attitude comes from years of my complete inability to exist normally around women, but that’s not the point. Bryan is so clearly a player of some kind that it worries me. At the end of the day, I do want Rach to find Love™ and I just don’t think he’s the man for it.

However, this one on one, while not super interesting (they almost never are) had several classic moments. First, as they’re walking out, holding each other, Bryan says he needs a hug. They pause for a second and then proceed to keep walking exactly the same way. Was that actually a hug the whole time and it just took him a minute to realize?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The next moment came as Rach and Bryan were preparing to repel down the ski jump, which we are told is 187 feet high. Rach, upon hearing that, asks if anyone else gets the symbolism behind that. The producer (who apparently never listened to hip hop in the 90’s) asks her what it means. If you don’t know what that means, I’ll let this Snoop and Dre video explain it

I love this girl.

Finally, as they rappel down the jump, Bryan insists on kissing. What follows was maybe the grossest sounding kiss I’ve heard on this show, and I’m including Josh Murray’s moaning-kiss thing from last season of Paradise. Unfortunately I couldn’t find a clip of this, so you’ll just have to use your imaginations. For those of you interested in recreating the sound at home, try smearing your face in peanut butter and then frenching the nearest pup. That should be a suitable approximation. What do you know, Bryan gets the rose. Rach is too into him. I don’t like it.

The next date is a handball group date where the dudes have to put on singlets and play handball. Unlike the rest of the crew, Deanie Baby opted to wear his jock strap on the outside (as opposed to the traditional, inside manner).

It’s possible he did this to be funny, but it’s equally possible that he has a tiny dick and was embarrassed, deciding it was better to look like a fool who could have a big dick rather than a regular dude with a small dick. It’s a real Sophie’s choice.

The game would have been fairly uneventful if it wasn’t for Peter and the the groping he was doing. Seriously, this dude was all over Rach.

To be fair, she seems to be feeling it, but man. He straight up touches her boob right there (also maybe a little booty, but it’s hard to tell from this angle)

At the cocktail bit afterward, they continue their touch fest, by leaving the party and making out in a hot tub. Where did their bathing suits come from? Do they just wear them under everything in case there’s a hot tub?

Rachel, being the smart cookie that she is, gives Will the group date rose, and not Peter. This is wise because you can’t keep giving the same people roses over and over again on group dates. It sends a bad message to the other dudes. Also, if Peter is not feeling confident in their relationship after they spent an indeterminate amount of time soaking in a tub and rubbing their junk on each other, then he’s got some real issues.

And now it’s time for the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The dreaded two on one.

And not just any two on one, but Lee vs Kenny.

For those that may be new to the series, the two on one is where two contestants who hate each other go on a shared date and badmouth the other one and try to send him or her home. There’s two main archetypes who go on two on ones

The Villain. This is the contestant who sucks and is disliked by most of the other contestants for one reason or another. On Nick’s season, it was Corrine, for being a boss who gave no fucks. Before that, on Jojo’s season, it was Chad, for being a terrifyingly aggressive asshole who loved cold cuts and raw sweet potatoes.

The Snitch. This is the contestant who can’t stop talking to the Bach’ or ‘Lorette about how shitty the villain is. On Nick’s season, it was Taylor, whose obsession with Corrine was only matched by her obsession with emotional intelligence. On Jojo’s season, it was Alex, whose hatred for Chad was only matched by his raging Napoleon Complex.

This two on one is a little different though, as Lee plays the role of both snitch and villain (what an innovater!), having done nothing but be a dick to Kenny, all the while feeding Rach bullshit and twisted half truths about everyone’s favorite cuckolding wrestler/dad.

The initial part of the date goes well for Kenny. He’s able to talk to Rach first and they have a pleasant convo about moving their relationship forward. Lee uses his one on one time to lie about Kenny (shocking). At one point he literally says, “Can I be honest with you?” and then proceeds to just lie through his teeth. You almost have to respect his utter disregard for words and what they mean. It honestly seems like Lee is more into fucking with Kenny than trying to get with Rach.

Unfortunately for him, Rach is able to see right through the lies and she sends him home. As her and Kenny are about to leave, our boy Kenny can’t help himself, and goes back to tell Lee what a piece of garbage he is. This does not sit well with Rach, and, frankly, was not the best move on Kenny’s part, but when she confronts him about it, he has a surprisingly good answer. He tells her that he believes in letting his feelings out and addressing them in the moment, and that he had to get stuff off his chest to Lee. Not a bad turn around. I’d give it a solid B. They have some good conversations about honesty and sincerity and she gives him the rose.

Finally, we arrive at the second of three rose ceremonies this week (I know, it’s fucked up). This one is by far the most surprising of the season. Josiah (dead brother lawyer) and Anthony (his horse shit in that store) both go home, while nobodies Adam and Matt stick around. Josiah, I understand, he was being weird pretty much the whole season and he was confident in a way that really made you want him to stop talking. Anthony was surprising. They’d had a good one on one, he seems like a good dude, and he’s pretty attractive. Really my only beef with him is that his head is too pointy.

Maybe Rach prefers her dudes with smoother heads?

Josiah talks a lot of shit about Rach on his way out, which is a really bad look. Like, dude, maybe she didn’t want to be with you cuz you’re a fucking clown who thinks he’s god’s gift to earth. Get over yourself and stop dissing our girl.

The next destination for our dwindling group of fuckbois is… Denmark!

Does ABC have some kind of deal with the tourism board of Scandanavia? Including Nick’s finale, this is the third straight Scandanavian country they’ve visited. I mean, I like it, but I don’t really get it.

Rachel takes Major Hunches (Eric) on the first one on one. They ride around in a boat and go to an amusement park. Hunches is really hyped and cannot stop hooting and hollering. It’s shockingly endearing. He genuinely likes Rachel, which is cool. They seem to enjoy themselves.

Over dinner Hunches confesses that his mom never really loved him and that he has a hard time handling it when relationships get serious. I’m not gonna lie, that’s pretty sad, but the whole time I was wondering, is his mom watching? What does she think of all this? I guess we’ll find out in her inevitable tell-all interview with People or Us Weekly.

Following this revelation, he tells Rach that he thinks he’s falling for her, which is about the best he can do right now. She finds it sufficient and gives him the rose. Unfortunately, this rose was not enough to cure him of his bad posture.

I can’t help myself. Look at that dinner hunch.

The group date (the third this week, for those of you keeping track at home) is a bunch of viking games. Seems like fun, I guess. This being games though, you know your boy Peter was gonna get his gropes in. Here he is picking up Rach yet again

He really likes picking her up.

Kenny wins the Viking games, but not before busting his eyebrow open. His reward? This sweet outfit.

I hope he got to keep it.

At the proceeding drink sesh, Rach and Kenny get to talking. The crux of things is he’s not fully feeling it. Rach, by virtue of being an angel, decides that she cannot ask him to stay while she still has questions and he misses his daughter so much. They part ways amicably.

Quick pause to talk about how sweet all the father/daughter stuff with Kenny has been this season. Normally, I think people that come on this show with kids are lame. Like, who cares, why are you here? Not to mention their kids are usually pretty boring (I’m looking at you Kensie and Charlie). Kenny’s kid, on the other hand, is old enough to form coherent sentences and seems to genuinely want her dad to find happiness. And maybe I’m just an enormous sap, but I find their facetime convos legitimately precious.

Somehow, there’s yet another date this week. It’s another prove it date, but with Will. This is a little out of left field as he recently received the group date rose. Well, Rach wants more passion from Will and he is only too happy to not oblige.

Just look at those sparks.

Rach is unimpressed and let’s him go. PS, this date took place in Sweden, which is the 3rd Scandinavian country of the week. We get it, there are several countries in Scandinavia and they are all close to each other.

Thank god, we’re finally at the end. The third rose ceremony. And once again, rather than sending Matt or Adam home, Rach ditches Alex, of not liking music fame. Not sure what she wasn’t feeling, but maybe they would’ve had more chemistry if listened anything other than Coldplay. Just a theory.

And that was that. Four hours of programming and nearly 3000 words later, here we are. To those of you brave enough to hang in this long, I’ll reward you with my first power rankings. I was hoping to start these when we got to about ten dudes, but then Rach went out and started choppin’, and now we only have six.

These rankings represent where I think these guys will finish out the season (#1 wins, #6 goes home next week, etc). I will also include my personal rankings based solely on my subjective opinion of these guys. That rank will be in parenthesis.

Peter (3): At this point, it feels like we’re on a slow, unstoppable march to Rachel and Peter’s engagement. They’ve always had real chem, and, despite his propensity for groping, he’s somehow less of a creep than Bryan.

Bryan (5): Creepers gonna creep, but Rach is undeniably feeling it.

Dean (1): He seems like fun, and he’s definitely hot. My guess is she hits it and quits it cuz he’s too young for her.

Maj. Hunches (2): Hunches came a long way for me this ep, but I don’t think he has the legs to make it past hometowns. Also, his mom may hate him, which could severely hurt the vibe at his house.

Matt (4): He is not Adam.

Adam (6): I don’t really know what to say. He brought a doll on the first night, and that might have been his high water mark.

Well I’m gonna go do literally anything but think about the Bachelorette. I’ll see you fine folk next week for more Love™ and drama.

After a 2 full weeks without any Bachelor-based content in our lives (excluding everything that went down with Paradise) we finally got back into it this week. Unfortunately, this episode was as dull as it was infuriating. In terms of finding Love™, this was not a super productive week for our ‘Lorette. Instead, it was consumed by Lee and his beef with seemingly every black dude left on the show. Shocking, especially coming from a dude who tweeted this out

What winner.

The episode opens where we left off, with Major Hunches (Eric) yelling at Lee for snitching on him to Rach (I don’t even remember about what tbh). They yell for a bit, Lee does his talking head about how he enjoys making dudes angry, and then things calm down.

This peace, however, proves to be rather fleeting, as moments later, Lee interrupts Kenny’s convo with Rach to double dip on that one-on-one time. This rightly pisses Kenny off, who then confronts Lee in private. This goes about the same as all arguments with Lee, where he basically plays dumb and tries to rile up his opponent. It works and Kenny starts yelling at him. Eventually it just sort of… ends with no real resolution, but whatever. Lee sucks.

We get to the rose ceremony where Rach sends home Bryce (transphobic firefighting elf), Brady (male model), and Diggy (stylish dude). Of these three, Diggy is the only one I’m sad to see go, and even that is 90% attributable to the one time he liked one of my pics on instagram (fuck, I’m so cool).

In terms of fat that probably should’ve been trimmed, only the Tickle Monster and Adam (dude with the fucking puppet) remain. My theory is that Rach agreed to keep these chach’s around so that she could send Whaboom home last week.

The first date of the week is a one on one with Deanie Baby (dreamy ass young boi). They go up in a blimp. Dean gets scared. They smooch. As dreamy as Dean may be, he’s not super interesting and this date was pretty boring. He talked about his dead mom (you can’t see it, but I’m practicing serious restraint here by not making a single dead mom joke), it’s sad. They smooch some more. He gets the rose, but not before being made to dance on a platform while being serenaded by a country group no one has ever heard of (I will never for the life of me understand why the show thinks this is a thing people would want to do on a date).

The only other date this ep was a group date, meant to test the intellect of the chosen group of fuckboi’s. So, of course it’s a goddamnspelling bee. I don’t know if this needs to be spelled out for you or not (see what I did there?), but I’mma do it any way:

A SPELLING BEE DOES NOT TEST YOUR INTELLECT, MERELY IF YOU CAN SPELL CERTAIN WORDS

Take, for example, Ananya Vinay, the winner of this years Scripps National Spelling Bee. Ananya took home the top prize by spelling, among other words, “konditorei,” “heiligenschein” and “wayzgoose.” I couldn’t even begin to spell those. Does that mean Ananya is my intellectual better? Fuck no, she’s 12 and I would ruin her with my vastly superior brain. By the time she’s my age, I’m sure she’ll have surpassed me, but that day won’t be here for a while. Spelling words is certainly impressive and indicative of a large vocabulary, but not much else.

So the douches spell, some better than others. The words are, for the most part, laughably easy. One of them was “stunning.” Josiah wins, good for him.

After the spelling bee, the group grabs some drinks and we get back into the Lee drama. He goes to Rach and starts talking shit about Kenny being aggressive and this and that.

This brings us to the real issue I have with this week and this season:

How the fuck did Lee make it onto this show?

This is the first season in the franchise’s history in which the lead is a person of color. That’s a big deal (it shouldn’t be, it’s fucking 2017, but here we are). You would think that the production team would, oh, I don’t know, try to avoid casting people who post overtly racist shit on their social media accounts. It’s really not that hard. One of two things happened here:

The producers did not do their due diligence when checking up on Lee. Not sure how you don’t get an intern to comb their Twitter history, but it’s possible.

They saw this, and were like, “Fuck yes, this season is filled with black people, and this could lead to some juicy drama,” in which case, fuck you. Way to exploit your POC contestants for ratings. Stellar move.

The simple fact is, they gave this fuck wad a platform to harass black dudes and spread his message of casual racism into living rooms across the country. Fuck that. And this season of all seasons. And that’s without touching his other tweets, ranging in topic from Islam to feminism. It’s absurd.

The other part about this that is so infuriating, is how the fuck did Lee not delete all that shit when he was applying? Aside from finding Love™, one goes on the Bachelor/Bachelorette to grow their social media presence. It would seem only natural to do a little culling of one’s own history to remove any questionable content before millions of internet sleuths do their own digging. Because that will happen. People are both extremely into the franchise (see: this stupid blog) and have way too much time on their hands (see: also this stupid blog). Shit will come out. You gotta get ahead of it.

Stupidity all around.

Despite that, Lee is on the show. And that means that we, the viewers, are treated to all kinds of micro-aggressions and dog whistles. Lee is such an obvious piece of shit that it almost feels counter-productive to even engage with his crap. All he does is fuck with these dudes. And he seems to genuinely enjoy it. When he talks about messing with Kenny, he says he gets “joy crumbling his miserable world.” Eesh.

Don’t get me wrong, I love fucking with people, but I’m an equal opportunities asshole. I’ll fuck with anybody. Fucking with people because racist power dynamics let you get away with it is lame, yo.

Really hoping Rachel sends this piece of white trash home so we can get back to the important stuff, like trying to figure out who she wants to fuck the most.

It finally happened, after years of toeing the line, our beloved Bachelor in Paradise has finally crossed it. Before I get into the particulars and my thoughts, can we pour one out for BiP? That shit was just pure, campy joy and served as a great gateway drug to this beloved American Institution.

Now for the nitty-gritty: filming for this season of BiP was suspended for alleged sexual misconduct. Shocking, I know. Details are still hazy, but what appears to have happened is this:

Producers wanted Demario and Corrine to have a fling. They proceeded to get drunk over the course of the day, culminating in a bunch of poolside tomfoolery (no sex though, apparently Demario was too faded to get it up). One of the producers felt that Corrine was too drunk to give consent, but they kept filming. The next day, the same producer filed a complaint and production was suspended. For what it’s worth, the crew claims to have checked on the couple multiple times and says that they were lucid and consented to it all. Corrine has since come out and said that she was too drunk to give consent.

In the few days since then, the star of Nick’s season has received an overwhelming tsunami of shit from the public, like this gem here

@corrineolympios. Corrine is a slut. Corrine admitted to using sex to get men. Now shes claiming she was raped? Corrine is thirsty.

Just to get this out of the way (although why the fuck it still needs to be said is beyond me), JUST BECAUSE SOME ONE HAS HAD SEX BEFORE AND GOT DRUNK DOES NOT MEAN THEY SHOULD BE ASSAULTED OR THAT THE ASSAULT IS THEIR FAULT. Really complicated shit, I know. This victim blaming is so beyond disgusting and is a case study in why so many assaults go unreported.

I want to give credit where it is due (somewhat). The studio did the right thing by suspending filming while they investigate. These types of allegations are serious, yet so often get written off for one reason or another. So kudos for that. You don’t get a full kudo, though, as this could have all been avoided had the production team stepped in earlier.

However, anyone familiar with Paradise will know just how unlikely that was. Getting contestants drunk and having them fool around is the show’s MO. Add in yelling matches and that’s pretty much the entire appeal of Paradise (except the bartender, Jorge, he’s a fucking national treasure, and I’m surprised Nic Cage hasn’t tried to steal him yet). For years, the show has flirted with this kind of disaster. Be it last season, which saw the return of the terrifyingly angry and violent Chad plus ABC’s attempt at rehabbing the image of Josh Murray, known abuser and human pile of garbage, or pretty much every time they’ve had Lace on the show, or the fact that Ashley S. was kept around for weeks on Chris’ season despite being pretty clearly fucked up in some way shape or form.

The Bachelor and its various spinoffs have a history of not giving a fuck about the safety and well-being of their contestants for the sake of ratings. Hell, the description of a couple fooling around in the pool while one or both of them is too fucked up to give consent is the exact same description of whatever Chad and Lace did last season (there was also more anger and cold cuts, but you get the idea). Which brings us to my central question:

Why now?

What was so different about this time that they felt the need to suspend the filming of arguably the most popular branch of the Bachelor family tree?

The cynic in me thinks this has something to do with race. This kind of shit has gone down far too often with no consequences and now, because it was a black man involved, they actually give a shit. I’m not saying that’s what happens, but this is Amerikkka and you can’t really take it for granted that race had nothing to do with the decision.

The optimist in me thinks maybe the franchise is turning a corner. Maybe this was the kick in the ass they needed to realize there need to be some boundaries and that they as producers have some responsibility for their contestants. Who knows?

And, although I’ve spent the last two days forlornly staring at my calendar trying to figure out what the fuck I’m going to do on Monday nights this summer, ABC made the right decision. Sexual assault is such a pervasive problem that it is nice to see a large corporation (waddup Walt Disney?) forgo large sums of ca$h in favor of the morally correct choice. I’m not saying they did it for anything other than to avoid a PR nightmare, but it’s still a welcome gesture.

What this means for BiP and other Bachelor shit moving forward is really anybody’s guess. All we can do is hope that we have not seen the last of Jorge. But if we have, I’m gonna go make myself a niiiiiiiice tall glass of tequila and get fucking lit by the pool in memory of one of the finest two hours of television I’ve ever enjoyed.

When last we left off, fucboi Demario was coming back to talk to Rachel for a second chance or whatever. Now, so much goes down this week, both on and off the court, that I’m tempted to just skip this part. There were oodles of snitching; Col. Mustard continued his all out assault on decent posture; Whaboom and Stupid Blake both go home, but were they in cahoots the whole fucking time??????

The thing is, Rachel so thoroughly fillets Demario that I would be doing you, the reading public, a true disservice to not pay it a few sentences.

Demario shows up with some tired ass lines about how he was caught of guard and he’s gonna learn from pain and shit. Rachel then cuts him off and is like, “Cool, I hope you got something out of this cuz I’m not about it.” She dismisses his lame ass, but not before hitting him with this top 10 withering look

Boi. Bye.

The rest of the rose ceremony was the more or less the culmination of the ol’ Blake vs Boom feud of the past two weeks. They go back and forth over some bullshit. Whaboom makes up a spot of nonsense about how Blake has a crush on him (cuz dudes liking dudes is fucking hilarious, right?). Shit was so fucking stupid. There was more mud slinging and snitching by both parties, until at last we hit the rose ceremony.

In a turn that I was not expecting for a few more weeks, our dear ‘Lorette Rachel sent home not only Whaboom, but Blake as well. We were treated to a montage of them both talking about how much they hate each other before Blake decides to interrupt Whaboom’s interview and tell him just how much he hates him.

This kicks off a several minute shit storm full of gems like this:

Whaboom: It’s not about winning, it’s about the world brother. And you have no idea what the world means.

Blake: You’re the Whaboom clown, I’m the nice gentleman.

This whole situation has been so juicy from the start, but this ending felt a little too good to be true.

And now folks, get your tinfoil ready, we’re about to take a trip down conspiracy alley.

Blake and Whaboom have been working together the whole time

Exhibit A: Remember how Blake said he lived with Whaboom’s ex waaaaaay back when last week? Well, that description left more than a little out. Whaboom and Blake were on a reality show called Ex Isle where people live with their exes and and apparently Blake was a single brought on to tempt Whaboom’s former fling.

Exhibit B: During their rant-off, Blake talks about how he and Whaboom live in the same town, while Whaboom repeatedly mocks Blake for his job of being a trainer.

No way are those bros beefing. They know too much about each other, they’ve already appeared on TV together one time, and look at these two motherfuckers just hanging at this party and having a fucking blast with their stupid friends. Here’s what I think their plan was all along:

Whaboom would act the fool. He’d increase his brand exposure and be all over TV and stupid internet blogs about the Bachelorette. Then, Blake gets to slide in and play the good guy, looking out for Rach. He then maybe has a shot and Whaboom gets his 15 minutes. They both go home happy. Problem is, they forgot the golden rule:

Don’t be a snitch

Rachel didn’t have time for any of that bullshit and rightly shut it down. Praise be, we can all move on with our lives (until they both are inevitably on Paradise at the same time).

First date of the week was a group date on Ellen. She asked the bros a bunch of questions, they had to strip in the audience, usual shit. Two takeaways from this date, Alex (who couldn’t name any bands other than Coldplay and the Beatles) moved up the leader board with his candor and abs, and Fred (who had been a camper when Rachel was a counselor way back when) acted like a little boy and got sent home.

I feel for the dude, I really do. He was super in to Rachel and she just couldn’t see him that way, but bruh, this fucking dude asked her if he could kiss her. Come on man.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, they had to hit the poor bastard with this fucking elevator shot as he’s being sent home

Look at how tight that is. And the harsh ass lighting. Come on, editors, give the poor schmoe a break. You can see like every pore on his face.

This was followed by a one on one with Anthony (who I’m pretty sure has had no screen time until this week) where they rode horses down Rodeo Drive and into the fuggin’ stores.

Quick pause, can you imagine being so rich that not only can you shop at all these bougie places, but you can then let your horse shit in em and just laugh about it? “Clean my horse’s shit you fucking store clerk peasant” is a level of rich I didn’t even know existed till this week.

Rachel and Anthony have chemistry, etc. The date is nice. They buy dumb clothes. By far the best part is all the people seeing Rachel and getting hyped about it. At one point, some dude yells, “IT’S THE ONE ON ONE!” We are all that dude.

The rest of the episode is more or less consumed by Col. Mustard (Eric) and all of his drama. Before I get into the nitty gritty, I have some sad news for everyone. Because this dude doesn’t know how to sit properly, I’m gonna have to bust Col. Mustard’s ass down to Major. He’s been demoted. From here on out, Col. Mustard will be known as Major Hunches. I mean, just look at this shit

This dude must have severe back pain. My neck hurts just looking at that. Look where his shoulders are, relative to his head. Fuck man. And that’s why he had to lose a rank. We can’t have a Colonel running around here looking like that. It’s bad for morale.

So we get a group date with a bunch of Rach’s friends (aka bitches from Nick’s season) and they take the fellas mud wrestling. This is Cuckolding Kenny’s time to shine, as it is literally his job. And the dude puts on a show. You can tell he’s a good worker by how he got the other guys to go along with it. If he doesn’t win it all (hell even if he does) WWE should hit him up just for that untapped WWE/Bachelor crossover appeal.

During this date, Raven (runner up on Nick’s season, best known for having never had an orgasm) asks Bryce, the transphobic firefighter, and Leigh, the wanna be Richard Spencer, who they think isn’t the best fit. They both say Maj. Hunches, presumably because he’s been bitching all episode and has apparently never been in love.

Another aside, I reallyhate when people say that type of shit. Love isn’t some kind of meter that you fill and once you get to a certain point, it’s love. This isn’t the goddamn Sims (although if it was, you best believe I’d be stealing pool ladders and watching motherfuckers drown). You dictate what is and isn’t love to you, cuz it’s subjective as hell. End rant.

So Bryce and Leigh lightly throw the Major under the bus, Raven tells Rach, Rach tells Major, Major gets mad them. Really, he gets mad at Leigh, because, frankly, Leigh is being a giant fuck. He trashes on Major, but then keeps saying he loves him. After the 30th time, Maj. Hunches asks Leigh what does that even mean. And it’s a great question. It seems like a fairly transparent attempt to get away with talking a lot of shit by couching it in some fake ass bro-love, but what do I know?

This beef continues into the next night (after Maj. Hunches gets the group date rose) at the cocktail party and finally blows up with Major yelling at Leigh about how his name is in his mouth, yadda yadda. The ep ends before shit gets good, so I imagine we’ll start next week off with a bang.

Before I let you go, I need to run one more theory by you.

Take a look at the picture below. What the fuck is that on Maj. Hunches’ face?

Occam’s Razor would have us think that it’s the fuzz from a new hoodie that Maj has carelessly worn before washing, but what if there were another explanation?

What if Major Hunches is a fucking alien and that’s some weird alien goop oozing out of his human head. Think about it, the dude claims to have never experienced love and has no idea what to do with his body. Not only is his posture crap, but this is how he hugs

Here we are folks, back in the thick of things. Rachel has been searching for Love™ juuust long enough that were starting to get some decent drama. We’ve got beef between Whaboom (person) and Blake, Whaboom (utterance) and Ashton Kutcher, Demario and honesty, Eric (Col. Mustard) and good posture.

Just look at that goddamn hunch.

We kicked things off this week with a group date that was meant to test the fucbois’ abilities as fathers through a shitty chore themed obstacle course. Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis were brought out to explain the rules (a surprising twist, given neither of them is featured in any Disney movie at the moment) and generally be famous. The race itself was fairly uneventful, with two notable exceptions:

The producers chose to blur out the “poop” covered butts of some baby-dolls. What didn’t they want us to see? Was that real poop? Did the babies have little baby dicks? WE DEMAND ANSWERS

Whaboom stiff-armed the fuck out of Cuckolding Kenny to win the race. This dude, while extremely awful, goes hard in the paint

This leads us to our first confrontation, Whaboom (utterance) and Kutcher.

Completely hyped off his big W, ol’ Whaboom asked if Ashton would give him a “whaboom” as a perverse prize for his victory. Ashton, always the actor, feigned ignorance at first. Whaboom was only too happy to show him how it’s done. Ashton was not impressed

That is the face of a man who does not want to become a meme. Round 1, Kutcher.

From there, our intrepid ‘Lorette took her merry band of shit jugglers to get drinks and talk. It is here, that we get into our second Whaboom-based bit of drama.

It turns out Blake, the aspiring drummer (sidenote: we’ve seen this guy drum. I think that means he’s just a drummer), lived with Whaboom’s ex and knows that he’s here just to advance his super chill brand and try to get on TV (aka the Wrong Reasons).

I’m not sure why drummy Blake thinks everyone doesn’t already know that from the several minutes (on TV nonetheless!) they’ve all spent with Whaboom, but still he feels the need to share this earth-shattering revelation with Rachel. To her cred, Rachel doesn’t really react to this. I mean, what is she supposed to do? It’s not like she’s for real trying to smash the dude who makes a living screaming at the top of his lungs and hawking tank tops. Whaboom, sucks, but Blake is a fucking snitch. And nobody likes a fucking snitch.

After this stellar group date, in which Rach bitched multiple times about how boring the dudes were, we got the one on one date we were all dreaming of.

Peter, my personal pick for Rachel’s future ex-fiance, got the coveted first one on one. And this was no ordinary one on one, no. Rachel brought America’s favorite being, her awesome gimpy dog, Copper. Now this little bastard broke his leg at some point, so now all he can do is adorably hop around

What a goddamn champion.

Rachel and Peter had a good time blah blah blah who cares. There were cute dogs.

The final date of the ‘sode was yet another group date, this time with 10 of these motherfuckers. They got the pleasure of shooting hoops with NBA legend (and possible Slender Man) Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. This was a great chance for Bachelor Nation to see how truly awful at basketball most of the dudes are. It was brick city, with only a couple guys differentiating themselves. Eric (Col. Mustard), likes to dance when he dribbles. Demario likes to dunk. Who can blame the guy? If I could dunk, I’d try to find ways to work it into all my dates.

Unfortunately for Demario, it was not all fun and posterizing. After the lowest scoring 20 minute of basketball this side of 4th grade rec game, our lovely ‘Lorette was visited by a woman claiming to be Demario’s ex, who only found out they were broken up when she saw him on TV, offering to elope with Rachel.

Needing to get to the bottom of this, Rachel summons the lil fucboi. Demario thinks this means he’s getting the group date rose and is super pumped. That all changes the second he lays eyes on his ex

Of all the things to say in this situation, “Ohhhhhhhh, who’s this?” is probably not the best choice.

Demario vs the Truth

Round 1

FIGHT

This fucking dude manages to run through the whole fucboi playbook in less than a minute.

He:

Denies knowing this woman

Interrupts Rachel constantly

Refuses to answer yes or no questions

Calls the the woman crazy

Lies about demonstrable facts

It’s like a case study in how to be the worst.

To prove her point, Demario’s ex offers to show Rachel their text convo, which contained this gem:

That right there is a wall of text, followed by a single, solitary sad emoji.

Fucking poetry.

Rachel sent Demario’s ass packing, telling him “I’m really gonna need you to get the fuck out.” Can we take a brief moment to savor the Bachelorette getting to swear on camera. I’m sure it happens a decent amount, but those darn producers really do a great job of not showing them unless they absolutely have to. And thanks to Demario and his aversion to honesty, we, Bachelor Nation, were treated to an especially glorious moment.

The rest of the date was dudes being shocked, Col Mustard kissing Rachel, Alex (self proclaimed music hater) singing, and not a whole lot else.

Next, the fellas convened at the cocktail party and were starting to chat up our ‘Lorette, when Demario showed up (totally of his own volition, nothing to do with the producers) and wanted a chance to talk to Rachel. Unfortunately, we got hit with the dreaded cliffhanger, and that’s where we were left

One week in and we’re already off the rose ceremony schedule. Not a great start, but that usually means we’re in for some real ass drama

Quick Rips

Cuckolding Kenny is growing on me. I don’t think he’s top four material, but he’ll be around a while

Dean is making it to the Fantasy Suite so Rachel can get her hands on that nubile, young bod

The tickle monster knew way too much about baby butts for some one that doesn’t have a kid

“Kill or be eaten” is not how the phrase goes

Ashton Kutcher needs to do something about his nips

Well it was a fun-filled ep this week, and with, any luck, this will be just the first of many. There’s a lot of shitty dudes in this group, we can only hope they keep it up.

It’s finally happened folks. After what felt like an interminable wait, at long last, we have more Bach’ise content.

Mind you, it is just the limo episode, 2 hours known more for bullshit antics than actual substance (or whatever that amounts to in this universe), but it is our first true glimpse at what these fucboi’s actually have to offer.

Obviously, any discussion of this first episode has to start with…

Fucking whaboom.

I’m not going to talk about Lucas and his… catchphrase? …occupation? …blatant attempt to sell merch? too much, as I think it really speaks for itself. The dude is obnoxious as fuck. Everybody knows somebody like this who just goes way too hard and is not funny. I’m pretty sure I occupied that role in the lives of most of my 7th grade classmates, but I, like most humans, was able to eventually overcome my extremely shitty nature and a become less offensive person to physically be near.

This dude has not.

Now, what I think is far more interesting about Lucas than his actual self is his continued existence on this show. Seasoned Bach veterans know this trope all too well. Every season, there’s some person who has no business staying, yet seems to make it through a rose ceremony or two to the bewilderment of the audience and the hilarious dismay of the people getting sent home. I mean, just imagine getting dumped for a dude whose most charming quality is he doesn’t talk while he juggles.

It is these characters that make us as viewers so acutely aware of the influence of producers on the product, because there is not a chance in hell Rachel chose this

over this

It just isn’t possible. The premier is usually when the heavy hand of the production team is most obvious and that makes sense. There’s plenty of fat to trim in terms of contestants (we started with 31 fucboi’s) and, because we don’t know any of these dudes, the first ep can be especially boring. We need idiots to spice it up, but where is the line?

That’s a tough question to answer, but you know it when we’ve crossed it, and folks, we’re on the other side of the damn Rubicon.

Lucas is so far from a suitable suitor that even I cannot suspend my disbelief. And unlike other obnoxious weirdos of past season (where fore art thou, Ashley S?), this dude plain sucks. There’s nothing remotely funny or entertaining about him. He just yells a bunch. Even the crop of other weirdos this season seems to be going too far. Take the tickle monster, Jonathan, for example.

Jonathan’s idea of a great first impression was to tickle not only the Bachelorette (without asking, mind you), but a few other fellow competitors as well. Leaving aside all of the issues of touching people without their consent, WHO THE FUCK EVER WANTS TO BE TICKLED? As my dear uncle used to say, “Tickle is torture” (coincidentally, that line is five syllables and just missed the cut for Jonathan’s haiku), which makes Jonathan the Mr. Blonde of this ragtag group of crooks trying to steal Rachel’s heart.

Luckily for us viewers, the Bachelor gods gave us one throwback weirdo, Adam. This dude showed up night one with this Michael Meyer’s looking doll that is his… son, I guess?

It was not imminently clear what role this doll plays in Adams life, but one thing is clear, it’s fucking odd. But it’s odd in a dumb, wholesome way that doesn’t make you hate your life and wonder why the fuck you waste so many hours of it watching this garbage.

All of this is to say, this first ep was just okay. Luckily, the This Season, on the Bachelorette montage hinted at some great things to come. We’ve got blood (possibly fake), a country singer who’s also an asshole (who saw that coming?), lots of tears, and maybe even some love™. Should be a wild ride

Quick Rips

[Every week, in this section, I give you some of my scorching-est takes]

I think Peter will win it all

Bryan is douche and Rachel is dumb for liking him

Also, he kisses like a fucking Dementor

Cuckolding Kenny has grown on me

There are too many people with dead relatives this year

Someone at ABC own’s a majority stake in Whaboom Inc. and Lucas is going to be a part of our lives for a few more weeks

Using a penguin costume to hide your balding head is the kind of bold strategy that could only originate in the mind of a true genius

From here on out, I’ll be referring to Eric as Col. Mustard

Just look at that shit. Too fucking yellow.

Sad!

Don’t forget to join me next week as we continue on our quest to watch Rachel dump 30 bros in a matter of a few weeks.

Well, it’s that time of the year. Bachelorette is not fully back yet, but the smell of roses and right reasons is in the air, and ABC just released their preview of the cast of fellas that will be vying for the opportunity to break off their engagement with Rachel in a few months.

These profiles are great for a few reasons.

They’re a great excuse to judge people on incredibly superficial stuff. Who doesn’t love that?

ABC asks some really dumb questions

They give some really dumb answers

There are a lot of interesting ideas on what counts as an “occupation”

Now it would be a big task to go through all of these profiles and give you my full and honest opinion of these jabroni’s, and frankly, I don’t really feel like it. So here’s what I’ll do. I’ll give you their pic, some relevant Q&A’s, and a haiku highlighting my thoughts. If that’s not enough for you, well fuck you. Jk, we’re chill, but you gotta take it easy with those expectations. I am but one man.

Without further ado, let’s get it

Adam

What are your top 3 favorite movies? Transformers, The Pursuit of Happyness, The Wolf of Wall Street

You look so boring

You wannabe finance bro

Get the fucking ‘ludes

Alex

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Ate a live salamander

Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists & why? Coldplay, Beatles … Can’t really think of a third one. Music isn’t a big part of my life.

Avoid men like this

He may really be soulless

This fuck eats lizards

Anthony

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? My mom. I wish I could see the world as she does to understand her better.

At last a good guy

He seems like he might not suck

Rachel, there is hope

Blake E.

Occupation: Aspiring Drummer

If you could watch any movie right now, what would it be, and why? The new 50 Shades of Grey movie because I love taboo sexy stuff.

This dude has no job

That movie is not sexy

Have you heard of porn?

Blake K.

Occupation: U.S. Marine Veteran

Do you have a serious fear of any kind of animal? Sharks! Have you ever seen Shark Week? I can’t get into the ocean for weeks after watching.

If you were stranded on a dessert island, what would it be made of? Chipotle because Chipotle is my life.

Yes I’ve seen shark week

Chipotle is so basic

Shout out to the troops

Brady

Occupation: Male Model

What do you do for fun in your hometown? Go to the beach. Go to the lake, golf, go sledding, go tackle snowmen.

What’s the most romantic present you have ever received and why? Lululemon sweatpants. She knew the way to my heart is cuddling on the couch in well-made, high-quality sweats.

Bro, where do you live?

Future yoga-pants mogul

But why male models?

Bryan

What is your favorite television show and why?Sports Center. I love sports and love talking sports with my friends, so I get most information from that show and sports talk radio. And believe it or not, The Bachelor/Bachelorette series. I’m fascinated by the interaction socially between a man and a woman in dating/relationship/marriage, etc.

What’s your most embarrassing moment? When I was stranded on a toilet for hours in 5th grade

Tell us a fun story about a one night stand. I spent all day with this girl and she ended up coming home with me and we had sex. She then received a text saying her brother was missing, so I played asleep so I didn’t have to help!

Are those glasses real?

A life spent on the toilet

Missing brothers suck

Eric

If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you and why? And what, under any circumstance could you not tolerate on that island? Water, Book of Proverbs, phone. I could not tolerate negative people.

What is your favorite soft drink/juice? Green drink

Does not understand

Exactly how cell phones work

Green is not a drink

Fred

Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? We want to hear what happened! Yes, there are times that I get aroused at work and I have to go back to my desk to avoid being noticed.

Who is your favorite artist? Jean-Michel Basquiat

Swag like Carlton

Needs to learn to hide boner

At least he likes art

Grant

Do you follow a specific diet? See food diet. If I see it, I’ll eat it.

What are your favorite magazines?Playboy? 😉

Steal jokes from hooters

Gets his porn from magazines

Sounds like a winner

Iggy

Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? We want to hear what happened! I once got a boner during a board meeting. I had to present sitting down.

Describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she/she deserves that title: I do not have female friends.

Has no female friends

Probably because he sucks

Women are objects

Jedidiah

Tattoos: Cross on wrist, Proverbs 3:5 across back, wolf on left shoulder

What is your greatest achievement to date? Building my parents a 5,000-square-foot log home on 10 acres in Montana.

No one is impressed

We get it you like Jesus

Now fix your dumb face

Jonathan

Occupation: Tickle Monster

What is your most embarrassing moment? I had a mullet in 4th grade. My sister swears I wanted my hair cut that way. I like to believe that’s not true. Haha.

How do I begin?

Could you be more of a creep?

Mullets never die

Josiah

Occupation: Prosecuting Attorney

What are your favorite activities to do with a group? Jet skiing, gun range shooting, playing football

Another lawyer

Can you jet ski in a group?

That sounds dangerous

Kenny

Who is the person you love most in this world and why? My daughter. She is literally my reason for living. She makes my life better.

***Quickly Taken Down From His Bio***

What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? Had sex with a wife while her husband watched.

They took this part down

But this guy likes to cuckold

Does his daughter watch?

Kyle

Gluten? Not really sure what it is or what food it lives in, but I select gluten-free menu options when I can.

Avoid all gluten

And you will live forever

Buttons are your friend

Lee

Who do you admire most in the world and why? My Mamaw! I admire how she adapts to the circumstances she faces enough to progress and successfully thrive. She survived the Depression as a kid, grew and raised an incredible family.

I assume Mawmaw

Is some kind of fancy bird

Good for you, bird mom

Lucas

Occupation: Whaboom

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Dead: Bruce Jenner, Alive: Caitlyn Jenner …. Would be a very interesting convo.

What does whaboom mean?

Bruce Jenner isn’t dead, bro

He ceased to exist

Matt

Who do you admire most in the world and why? My parents for setting the bar when it comes to relationships as far as I’m concerned.

Shut your stupid face

My parents love each other

Way more than your’s do

Michael

Who is your favorite actor and why? Denzel, because every movie he was in were all classics and for him to act in several different characters is very impressive.

So apparently

All these mofos love Denzel

Is this a race thing?

Milton

What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show? Real answer? Discovered. Everyone tells me I’m made for TV/movies. Doesn’t mean I’m out here hoping for that, but I would like to break into writing or acting.

At least he’s honest

And he leaves no shred of doubt

Fuck your right reason

Mohit

What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? One word: Tabasco.

I feel for this guy

Behold a token brown dude

He likes spicy sex

Peter

What is your greatest achievement to date? Three Ironmans. One on a broken foot.

Color me impressed

Three Ironmans is a lot

I’ve only fucked one

Rob

What kind of music do you listen to most often? When I work, chill electronic with no words. When I’m just chilling, acoustic guitar sets.

If you could be any superhero, which one would you be and why? Superman! He’s got the coolest superpowers and is also a U.S. alien, like me!

If you could have lunch with one person who would it be and why? Buddha. So I could discuss his philosophies on detachment, suffering and divinity.

Your music tastes suck

Superman is from Krypton

Buddha would hate you

Will

Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Be someone’s second choice.

If you are second

Does it really count as love?

I’d have to say no

Phewwwwwwwwwwwwww.

There you have it folks. 31 dudes. 31 works of perfect poetry. There are some real duds in this cast (aren’t there always?) and I can’t wait to find out who actually sucks and who only kind of sucks.

From the early returns, it looks like we’ll have a lot of douches, but that isn’t too surprising. I only hope our intrepid ‘Lorette can navigate these turd filled waters and come out the other side engaged to some one who isn’t Alex. Seriously, fuck that dude. Who doesn’t listen to music?

If you have any brilliant haikus of your own, please send ’em my way @ConnieBongrips or leave ’em in the comments.

When next we meet, we’ll have an actual show to discuss. Bout fucking time