One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol.

When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to cum, so he fired the pistol.

The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went. He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my d**k, s**t in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up."

The blonde went into a shoe store to buy a pair of alligator shoes. After trying them on, she asked about the price. Learning that the shoes were very expensive, she decided she would go out into the bayou and get her own alligator shoes.

Later that afternoon, the shopkeeper was on his way home, going through the bayou, when he noticed the same blonde with a 12-guage shotgun. She was dragging a 12-foot alligator onto the bank, where she stacked it near a large pile of alligators. As she turned the gator over, he heard her shout, "Damn,this one isn't wearing shoes either."

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and became stuck in the thick heads.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking as if nothing had happened. The Irishman also picked the fly out of his drink. He held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you bastard!"

A pilot got on the loudspeaker shortly after takeoff and said to the passengers, "Folks, welcome aboard flight seven eighty-nine to Cleveland. We'll be flying at thirty-five-thousand feet, and expect to land in an hour and a half. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight." Forgetting to turn off the microphone, he turned to his copilot, yawned, and said, "Why don't you take over for a while? I'm going to take me a big healthy s**t, and then I'm gonna f**k the brains outta that pretty blonde flight attendant working in coach."

His announcement went over the whole plane. The pretty blonde flight attendant in coach heard this and exclaimed, "Oh my God!" and started running towards the cockpit.

An old lady sitting in an aisle seat stopped her and said, "Relax honey, he's gotta take a s**t first."

As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty- five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

A Scottish wife, an English wife, and an Irish wife were all talking about how they never had enough money to go shopping. All of a sudden, the English wife had an idea.

"I know! We can take off our underwear, and then when our husbands notice, we can say we don’t have enough money even for knickers!"

Everybody thought this was a good idea, so they went home to try it. When the English wife’s husband noticed, he gave her 200 pounds to go shopping with. When the Irish wife’s husband noticed, he gave her his credit card.

The next day, they all three met up to discuss how it went. The Irish wife and the English wife were all dressed up in their new clothes, but the Scottish wife was still in rags.

The other two demanded to know what had happened.

"Well," said the Scottish wife. "As I was gardening, I bent over to show him I wasn’t wearing any undies. But when he saw, he gave 40p to get a comb!"

Two Irishmen, Pat and Mike, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Pat stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To their amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Pat blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Mike looked disgustedly at Pat whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension- filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Pat! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, "Cow For Sale…$5000"

He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There’s no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars." The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow’s tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like a woman.

Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It’s just not fair. Here’s this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it’s worth $5000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you’re not worth sh*t."

skinman {kan}Member

Number of posts : 3169Age : 72City/Country : over here&nbsp : Clan Member

There was a guy who worked for Blockbuster video. He found it to be a great but complicated job.

One day he was at the register and a older man came in and asked if he could buy a phone card. So the guy gave him a card, and he wrote him a check for $39.80. He then told him that it was 20 cents short, so he gave him 2 dimes.

Unfortunitely when he typed this into the computer, he missed the period on the keyboard and it came up as 20 dollars.

That night, the manager said that he was $19.80 short. The manager thought the guy had stolen it, so he fired him immediately.

And the moral to this story is:

"Guys get in trouble over missed periods."

skinman {kan}Member

Number of posts : 3169Age : 72City/Country : over here&nbsp : Clan Member

I think u want the war skinman ----------------------------------------------A blonde walks into Best Buy looking for a television. The salesman walks up to her and tells her that the store does not serve blondes. The next day the blonde walks back into Best Buy with a red wig and asks if she could buy the television, but the salesman says to her again, "We don’t serve blondes."

Disappointed, the blonde takes off her wig and asks the salesman how he knew she was a blonde. The salesman replies, "Because this is a microwave."

skinman {kan}Member

Number of posts : 3169Age : 72City/Country : over here&nbsp : Clan Member

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Three young men are traveling across the countryside, and realize it is going to be dark before they reach an inn. COming upon a famer's house, they knock and ask if they might spend the night.

The farmer says yes, but informs them that he has a beautiful young daughter, and if he finds out any of them have their way with her, he will shoot them on the spot. The young men agree and go to their respective rooms for the night.

In the morning, the farmer calls all three young men into the kitchen and tells them, "I installed a trap in my daughter's snatch. Anything entering it is severed. I'm going to check if your hands are clean now by checking the states of your manhood."

He tells the first young man to pulls his pants down. Upon discovering that the man's dick has been cut off, he shoots him in the face.

The second young man lowers his trousers. Again, his dick is cut off, so the farmer shoots him.

The third young man drops his shorts, and the farmer is astonished to see that everything is intact. He congratulates the young man, and asks if he would consider courting his daughter, for a man that can resist such temptation is a rare individual.

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name’s Joe, I’m here for Flo. We’re going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name’s Eddie, I’m here for Betty, we’re gonna get ome spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name’s Chuck&#133 —" and the farmer shot him

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: ‘’I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’’

The husband says, ‘’WHAT??’’ The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.

Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, ‘’But you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s get it.’’

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says ‘’Okay, I’m ready, let’s go to the cash register.‘’ The husband says, ’’No – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.’’

The wife’s face goes blank. ‘’No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.’’

Lady of Winter {KAN}Queen of the P90 - shooter of the AK47. Claymore expert

A blonde went to go get her haircut wearing pair of headphones. The hairdresser tried to get her to take them off, but the blonde protested.

"You can’t take those away from me — I’ll die without them!"

The hairdresser sighed, and tried to explain how difficult it would be to cut her hair with them on, but the blonde wouldn’t budge. So she began cutting the hair around the headphones. Soon, the blonde feel asleep, and the hairdresser figured she could remove the headphones for a few minutes. But shortly thereafter, the blonde collapsed, dead on the floor. The hairdresser, confused, picked up the headphones, which were repeating "Breathe In, Breathe Out."

skinman {kan}Member

Number of posts : 3169Age : 72City/Country : over here&nbsp : Clan Member