Posts Tagged With: pregnancy humor

Hello ladies, welcome to a very intimate and TMI blog on pregnancy. Guys, did you hear I said “TMI” which is your cue to leave. Go away while you still can. Leave and never come back to this blog. 🙂

So it’s been 9 months already (wohoo hoo, I don’t believe it) and I have been reading a lot of blogs on various things that happens during pregnancy and what to expect. But, I think, most of the blogs have been written with the fairytale wand.

Now personally speaking, if I am a first time mom to be, I would rather hear and read the die hard facts with all the bitter truths rather than hear a honey coaxed half truth.

Which means, this blog is all about my personal experience, straight forward with no coaxing.

Lets begin with the most up and personal issue.

THE BLADDER MATTER.

You know how they say everything grows big when you are pregnant. Well guess what…Everything except your bladder. From your face to your pinkie toe, everything will expand but the only thing that will not is your bladder.

This leads to my next theory on the same issue.

THE FALSIFICATION OF NIAGARA FALLS.

You have just stepped out of the bathroom and 15 mins later you get this strong, very very strong urge to pee. It feels like a tsunami is building up inside. The pressure is growing with every step you take towards the bathroom. And as sit on the throne of relief, you are expecting Niagara falls. You are expecting a full load of waterfalls that will gush out.

But what do you get instead? Just a few drop drizzle.

Just fucking drizzle.

THE GLOW OF DARTH VADER

They also say you get the “glow” when you are pregnant.

Well, if by glow you mean, black patches on various areas of your face such as sides of lips, forehead and cheekbone; A very black neck that looks like someone has rubbed it with black chalk; Blueish feet like you have got no blood in them. Dark under-eye patches because you have not slept in days and of course the dark brown lines on your stomach,

then DAMN I AM GLOWING. I AM GLOWING SO BAD PEOPLE MIGHT JUST GET JEALOUS OF MY BEAUTY.

THE FOOTBALL LEAGUE

Here are the details of the football league.

Warm Up Matches : These matches begin in your 4th month. They are mild warm up matches during any time of the day or night.

Quarter Finals : In your 7th month. These are vigorous matches.

Semi Finals : In your 8th month. These are the do or die matches.

Finals : In your 9th month. The most aggressive, wild and ferocious matches.

Timing : During your sleeping hours.

Venue : Your freaking uterus.

Winning Criteria : All goals should go i
n the RIBS.

THE EXORCISM IN YOUR BODY

Your body will no longer belong to you. You will experience things you did not wish to.

Apart from all the backbone pain, leg pain and the occasional uterus pain, a very huge part of your pregnancy will experience staggering rib pain. This pain is not your usual pain. It’s like someone stabbing you on the same spot over and over again. So much that if you slightly touch that part from over your skin, you will feel the pain inside.

Your feet will swell so much that you will go from a size 6 to size 9 in a matter of months.

Your heart will burn so intense that it will feel someone is choking you.

THE ITCH BITCH

As your body expands, your skin stretches. It is amazing how much your skin can stretch. This means you will feel itchy. Specially after having a bath. Without appropriate lotion, you become an insane itching monkey.

THE CRAVING FOR NOTHING.

I heard almost from everyone that you get cravings for certain things. And you start getting more hungry and you start eating all the time. But they don’t tell you that some pregnancies are different. You lose all your cravings, all your appetite and you just eat small portions for the sake of eating.

THE PENGUIN WALK

In your last months, with the gravity change, your walk changes as well. During the 9th month, you can barely walk with your legs close enough. You need space between your legs which leads to a very unique image of you walking. Feets apart, bulging tommy and small steps. Kinda like a penguin walking.

THE WAKEUP STRATEGY

Waking up from the bed requires thinking, strategy and a plan. So before you make a move, you make a plan in your mind:

Ok so right now I am lying on my right. Bedside is on left. Okay here is what I will do.

First I will place my hand under my stomach to give it support. I will slowly try to move and lie on my back while I am holding my stomach. Ok good good. A few deep breaths. Now turn left again while holding the tummy. Good job. Now all I need to do is push myself up. I will place my right hand on the bed to push myself up while my left hand supports my belly. YES YES, that’s the perfect plan.

After 10 minutes of trying your plan :

HONEYYYYYYYYYY…. CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME GET OUT OF BED.

THE DAILY CHALLENGES

Everyday simple tasks become challenges such as :

Getting out of bed as explained above.

Picking something from the ground so you start ignoring everything that falls and walk away.

Shaving becomes a task which will leave you exhausted.

Applying lotion on your legs isn’t so easy now.

Every sneeze feels like your insides are torn apart.

Having said that, no matter how ugly you look and no matter how sick you feel, that moment when you feel his/her existence move and turn in your body, everything feels right and everything feels okay. You go through so much but it is all worth it in the end and you would want to go through it all over again for the same.

So I have been meaning to do this blog from a very long time but got caught up with other stuff.

Be prepared as I now take you on a journey on what it’s like to be pregnant and Pakistani. Honestly speaking, I think the dilemma lies with all the Asian groups and not just Pakistani….If you can relate to this, we will find out soon 🙂

1. The “Is there a good news” questions.

You get married today, and 5 days later you will start hearing questions from different aunties if there is a good news. Like what the serious ef is that all about?

My first encounter with this situation was just 20 days after marriage, when I went to my neighbor’s house, and her sister in law(who I hardly knew because I had just moved in at my husband’s house) asked me “is there something?” and as naive as I was, I just couldn’t understand what the hell she was asking me. What something is she asking for. I made her repeat 3 times thinking I was missing out any words or something.

After 3 attempts of asking me the same “is there something”, my mother in law replied not yet, everyone will know when there is. Even though I was 2 weeks pregnant by then.

And at that moment, it was a revelation to me. The clouds of singleness had moved away and above me was a sky saying BRACE YOURSELF…PREGNANCY QUESTIONS ARE COMING.

After that incident, these questions kept coming from various aunties wherever I went.

Apparently, Pakistani aunties think you are an ATM machine.

2. Everyone should know…Like literally EVERYONE.

For the first 3 months, the news stays within the 2 families. But the moment those 3 months’ risky time passes away, the news is available for public. Literally public.

First the news goes to close friends and relatives then the friends and relatives will tell their friends and relatives. And the news keeps moving forward. Now this may seem pretty normal because friends and relatives are supposed to know the big news but this doesn’t end with friends and relatives.

You could be walking on a sidewalk with any of your relative and they will tell a stranger to may be walk a little away because this walking lady is now “DELICATE.” This is the term they use. YUPPPPP you heard me right.

You are in a taxi and the driver will be told to drive a little more carefully because Continue reading →

Me Says:

I may be crazy, clumsy and insane but thats something I am proud of and you are jealous of... *wink*

Why Scrapyard?

Howdy Strangers,

So everyone knows what a scrapyard is. A place where everyone throws away things that don't have any value to them. But it's the same place where others find parts that would be helpful to them, to fix their own stuff...
This is exactly what " Aisha's Scrapyard" is, where you find words thrown away in my drunk unconsciousness. But you can always find them helpful to you...
Ash Scrapyard has words to fix your mood, thoughts, confusion or perhaps renew your morale, or refresh your soul...
Take a walk around and find what you need....

Happy ash-Scrapyard-ing :P

aiSha
*Simply Aisha*

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