Narcissistic Mothers May Form Enmeshed Relationship With Their Child.

I have already published on this site several articles about narcissism and narcissistic parents, but, in this article, I wish to focus, more specifically on a particular phenomenon which can occur in households in which the mother is narcissistic ; the phenomenon is known as an ENMESHED RELATIONSHIP and, whilst it can develop between the narcissistic mother and her son, more commonly develops between the narcissistic mother and her daughter.

However, I should point out that enmeshed relationships are not restricted the narcissistic mother and her offspring, but can develop between various combinations of members (whether female, male, narcissist or non-narcissist) of any dysfunctional familyor, indeed, between partners.

First, then, I will briefly explain what is meant by an ‘enmeshed relationship.’ Essentially, an enmeshed relationship is said to exist when personal boundaries between two people are indistinct and porous, allowing the emotions of one person to ‘leak through’ (as if by osmosis) and powerfully affect the other person’s emotional experience.

For example, as a child, my own relationship with my mother was enmeshed – this meant that my own emotional state was powerfully dictated by hers ; her emotional pain was my emotional pain, and, as I got older, I reciprocated her destructive emotions, too, of anger and aggression (a feature of relationships that have weak boundaries is that as one person’s emotions intensify, so, too, do the other’s).

Another hallmark of an ‘enmeshed relationship’ within a dysfunctional family is that family roles can become confused, especially in relation to age ; specifically, family members adopt (mainly unconsciously) roles that are inconsistent with their chronological age. For example, the emotionally immature parent may ‘parentify‘ their child (i.e. expect the child to take on a role, such as the parent’s emotional caretaker, with which s/he is not psychologically developed enough to cope – in essence, s/he is expected to become the parent’s parent. And, of course, the other side of this coin is that the parent may regress to a psychologically childlike state by demonstrating excessive dependence and neediness.

Perhaps the most famous depiction of an enmeshed relationship in fiction is that between Norman Bates and his mother in the film Psycho.Most people are familiar with Alfred Hitchcock’s classic film, but fewer may be aware that it was originally a novel (published in 1959) by Robert Bloch.

Of course, their enmeshed (and, possibly, incestuous, the novel implies) relationship is epitomized by the fact that Norman’s highly, psychologically abusive mother is almost identical to his own : Norma (viewing children, not as individuals in their own right but as possessions and as an extension of themselves is a hallmark feature of both narcissistic and borderline mothers).

In short, Norman eventually murders his malevolent and tormenting mother (by poisoning her with stychnine) because, ironically, he fears she is abandoning him to marry her fiance (whom, for good measure, he also murders by employing the same modus operandi). Following this double murder, Norman frequently dresses in his (now deceased) mother’s clothes and takes on her personality.

If the child grows up into an adult who does not assert his / her right to introduce healthy boundaries into the relationship, s/he is likely to suffer a very weak sense of his / her own identity as an individual as how s/he experiences his / her emotional life will continue to be dominated by his / her mother. Such individuals, without therapy, can go through life feeling deeply uncertain about who they actually are

Furthermore, they may have serious problems asserting themselves as well as a low tolerance of emotional pain (‘distress intolerance’)

Other problems they may experience include : lacking a sense of autonomy when it comes to how they feel (i.e. believing that how they feel is out of their control and is dictated by the emotional state of others) ; feeling ’empty’ as they are unable to take responsibility for their own emotions ; neglecting their own needs while feeling overly responsible in relation to how others are feeling.

Once individuals are aware that they are in an unhealthy, enmeshed relationship that is spoiling their quality of life and they become willing to take steps to rectify the problem, they may find both family therapy and individual therapy to be useful for helping them set the healthy boundaries within the relationship which it had, up until then, lacked.