Archive for the Relationships Category

Most of us are familiar with the saying that “Procrastination is the thief of time” and have probably seen it in practice as we have other things to do when we should study or write essays. What we don’t really mention, maybe even realise, is that there is a much friendlier, more effective, living breathing talking time thief (cue drumroll): The Mother.

Yes, that’s right: The Mother is the smartest, most organised time thief you will ever come across. With her cookies or trips to the mall and other (sometimes less enticing) tactics, The Mother will steal your time without you even realising it. How many times has your mother taken you to the mall when you were supposed to be writing an essay? Or gotten you to wake up early to go somewhere, only for her to take forever getting ready? Never mind the tasks/chores that popped up when you had other stuff to do.

The Mother calls you, to blind you with her love and affection, so that when she strikes: you are defenceless. Do not underestimate The Mother: she is highly trained and skilled at what she does. All those cookies, ice-cream, chats and countless wonderful things, are her weapons.

The Mother probably created that procrastination saying to draw attention away from herself. Do not be fooled! The Mother is the Ultimate Time Thief!

*No mothers were hurt in the typing of this post and it is not to be taken too seriously or too lightly. And Remember: The Mother is watching.

Yesterday, while waiting to cross the street and singing a Taylor Swift song to myself, I thought (not for the first time) that we seem to applaud a person’s lack of self-preservation if it’s in the name of “Love”.

The song that I was singing was “If This Was A Movie” which has a line that goes

“Come back to me Eli… If this was a movie.. Stand in the rain outside, til I came out”

And as I crossed the street I realised that after said Eli catches a cold, she’ll have to make him soup and all that stuff. That aside, it makes no sense to catch a cold unnecessarily: why can’t you talk in a warm, dry place? And who wants to be lip locking with a blocked-nosed, sneezing person? Not smart

Anyway, today, while on Facebook, I saw this status update:

“Genuine love isn’t a passive, quivering mass of good feelings. Genuine love is a deliberate, intentional, honest, and even painful giving up of self-preservation for another person’s good.”

Of course, red flags went a-flying at “giving up of self-preservation for another person’s good” and I commented as such. The owner then went on to tell me that it means “giving up the “I”, which you have taken good care of because there’s someone worthy and deserving of being part of your “we”“. I clapped once because I felt that this is such nonsense. Even tweeted it. The owner of the status said that she quoted the status from a book but I don’t know or think that her explanation comes from that book.

I really don’t see why one would have to give up “I” for “we” when “we” is made up of two separate beings called “I”. And how can you call the “we” yours? It’s not “your “we”” that you’re making someone a part of: you are making a “we” with that someone. That’s just the way that I see it. Which takes me back to the problem of self-preservation.

How does a lack or surrender of self-preservation become part of love? Why? How does having a seemingly low regard for your own well-being mean that you love someone? Where exactly does this make any sense? A lack of self-preservation, to me, indicates a psychological problem. This is the part where I shrug and sip some Oros.

Standing in the rain is not romantic, it’s silly. Jumping in front of trains, catching grenades and all the stuff isn’t romantic or smart. But it’s just a song, right? It’s just a status update, right? It’s just a comment, right? It’s just a bunch of words, right? OK then, let the toxic relationships, I mean good times, roll

“Nothing lasts forever” and “everything ends” are phrases that people use to explain the demise of relationships (business, romantic, platonic etc) or other things. And those phrases are true: especially when it comes to marriage.

Marriage: th M-Word that freaks a lot of people out a little, myself included. I feel that marriage isn’t taken seriously and one may respond with the quote “Life is too important to be taken seriously”. That doesn’t matter to me, what does is the nonchalance and lack of foresight with which people say “I do” (or whatever). Marriage is too important to NOT be taken seriously. I don’t think it’s a smart choice to marry someone after a whirlwind romance, especially if you haven’t lived with them. I’m a reluctant, slightly bashful romantic and I think that you should only marry a person when you have the highest degree of certainty that your chosen person is the one for you. And I don’t think that a short time is enough for that.

I’m sure that there are a lot of people who got married after a short period of knowing each other and their marriages survived but why risk it? Why? I don’t get it. They say that you KNOW when you want to marry someone but that doesn’t mean that you can stand them for the rest of your life. THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
Of course, you can write your own vows and not include that notion but why get married if you want out? You can’t keep one foot out the door: you’re either in or out.

Every single marriage ends: 100% guaranteed. Why? Because people DIE. All marriages end in one of two ways: death or divorce. I’d prefer for mine to end in death than in divorce.
Don’t get me wrong, please, I would never kill my spouse for leaving me. Love and general decency doesn’t allow for that, never mind the law.

I really think that people should get to KNOW each other before getting married. I mean, what if your partner has habits that you can’t stand? Or beliefs that you can’t stomach? Or allergies? In the movie “The Family Stone”, Sarah Jessica Parker’s character didn’t know that her boyfriend is allergic to mushrooms. And he was going to propose. I know that doesn’t sound major but sometimes these things contribute to the demise of an already weak marriage.

I want to know the person that will be my spouse: thoroughly. I know that not too much is certain but I know this: Love is NOT enough. I also know that sometimes, things really don’t work out and divorce is the best route. But we should not adopt the mentality that divorce and marriage go hand in hand: we should adopt the mentality that marriage is serious and should not be entered in lightly or when one is packed full of doubts. And let’s not rush things.

As kids, we’re taught that we are the future and we should strive to be independent. It’s a nice idea, isn’t it? However, reaching true independence can take a while. Why? As Loyiso Gola tweeted “your parents run your life because they pay for your life”.

You may think that you’re independent but you’re not. As long as your source of income is someone else, your independence is limited. This statement includes rich kids whose parents don’t love them to a certain point but it applies to the average kid: the one whose parents work (or parent works) and don’t have money to blow. Or buy blow. You have to work for your independence: make your own money. For as long as someone else is providing you with money, you are dependent on them.

Look at me: I live in a flat, paid for by mum. I go to a nice university, paid for by my mum. I can cook, with ingredients paid for by my mum. If I happened to be put in a position where my mum could not/would not provide for me, I’d lose a lot of things. But that isn’t what annoys me.

What irks me, is the fact that due to the financial support, I can’t do my own thing. I can do only what my mum will finance. I got blonde highlights in May and my mum was OK but when I went purple, she didn’t appreciate it. And I’d done it with her money. See how limiting that is? If I could, I would not go home during the festive season. But I can’t. You know why? Coz I don’t have my own money. I’d need her help to stay alive.

It really sucks because I can’t really say that my life is my own: I don’t control it to the utmost. I can’t say that I completely do as I please. So I’m stuck with: My life is mine to live as I please. Within the constraints of my mother’s thumb. For now.

Love doesn’t thrive when it is caged, it needs to free. Free to ebb and flow and surround you. And possession is a problem: so often, we want to have and hold love but it never seems to work. And even in the case of love that isn’t caged: there’s still this urge to say “I’m yours”.

What I think we need to learn and accept is that saying “I’m Yours” does not mean that the other person feels the same. I think it’s not fair or rational to assume such but rationality tends to pale in the presence of love, yes? I’d like to be rational in my dealings and I try to be. I try to look at things from all sides but I fail, sometimes.

Regardless, I’m Yours. And I know that that does not make you mine and it’s not enough to make you mine.

Here I am, finally got WordPress for Blackberry installed on this phone, feeling good (for lack of a better phrase). I’m not a supporter of BlackBerry: I’m a Nokia fan but circumstances have led to me being in possession of a BB so I might as well run with it. Anyway, I’m feeling good because I have finally been told why I was treated with disrespect and in the words of Vivian Green: “Disregard for me and my feelings”

I finally got through to this boy and after some confusion of sorts, he told me why things went the way that they did. It was a result of immaturity. I was just glad to know why I suffered the sadness that I did. He told me that he’s sorry and he asked if I didn’t want to slap him. I really don’t.

The closure is just so refreshing, the issue feels like it’s truly resolved. And of course, my curiosity has been assuaged. Thing is, even when the rage and depression and sadness fade, the need to know remains. And now I know 🙂