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I call my type teddy bear doms. They are sweet, caring guys in everyday life but can be the best kind of dominate asshole in the bedroom. They do exist, I married one and play with two others.

Join fetlife or your local kink community. Many nice guys who are aggressive in bed have taken the time to learn the skills that go with rough fucking and dominance. I found my husband on bondage.com and the other two were at a local sex club.

Although I'm glad this worked for you, I disagree that fetlife and local kink communities are generally speaking the best place to find partners who don't have a specific kink. I can't speak for OP, but she doesn't sound like she's looking for dominance play in the extreme sense but just more of a certain personality type.

Do you think the most likely place to find one would be in one of these specialized communities? Or could it also be successful to work with a guy who is teddy bear outside the room and teach him how I like it during private times? Or do people just naturally have a certain role and preference in sex that doest change much?

There are plenty of us teddy bear types who fit your description, I'm happy to say. I've been called that more than a few times myself.

I think the common factor you might be looking for is some level of confidence. A respectful, caring man who is also confident about himself is more likely to assume a confident attitude in the bedroom. Whereas a "nice guy" who is nice but lacks confidence might be a little less aggressive in the sack.

Have a look at his skills, try and find a nice guy with some skills where he's forceful: martial arts, carpentry, in my case blacksmithing. If a nice guy also enjoys being forceful, it's likely come out in other ways. Good luck ;)

I think the specialized communities are the easiest because the men you will find there have already taken the time to learn and explore their fetish. At lot of skills desirable in a dominant such as rope work and flogging are usually taught in mentor like relationships from other doms.

Any sexually open minded guys will probably be up for trying it. However, there is no guarantee it will do anything for them or that their bedroom type isn't submissive. I would certainly give the converting process a try but I would look for some basic bedroom compatibility early on before investing too much into the relationship.

I think by default the answer is yes. Most gentle guys have to really try to be dominant and it often goes against their nature. Most nice guys have been told to basically exalt and respect women and never be forceful with them etc. So going against that nature and decades of conditioning is challenging to say the least.

Nice/gentle guys can learn to be dominant, it just takes a while, it takes a lot of working up to, and it takes a lot of confidence building.

If you want a nice guy to be dominant, you have to open up to them sexually about your desires via open communication, and you have to go slow. I.E. tell him some time the idea of getting called a slut gets you off, then after a week of that introduce something else once he's comfortable, i.e. spanking. After he's comfortable doing that, introduce more dominant stuff, i.e. hair pulling, pinning, throwing you around, etc. The more he gets comfortable doing it the better it will be for him.

Keep in mind though it's still difficult because you still have to be super attentive to your partner. I would say being forceful in bed is more difficult for gentle guys because they still wont want to hurt you, which is obviously good. But on the other hand it also makes sex more stressful for them, so you have to keep that in consideration as well.

I tend to agree. I think assholes are more stuck in their ways, and trying to teach them to be tender and sentimental in real life would probably come across as needy. Most gentle guys would probably enjoy feeling like a leader, dominant-type "mans man" if their woman really showed that she wants it from him.

It isn't about changing him, it is about communicating what you like. As a nice guy I am happy to be more aggressive and forceful during sex if I know that turns my partner on. It isn't changing me, it's just healthy communication.

No, but if they're like me they'll be gentle until you indicate they can be rougher. Im by no means huge but work out regularly and worry about hurting my partner if I go too rough. But for the most part, I'm totally dominant.

I think people's personality outside of the bedroom isn't always indicative of their personality behind closed doors. My partner for example, is very direct and commanding, but quite submissive when she's alone with me.

My boyfriend is super gentle in the streets but can be rough in the sheets. I think, if a guy is truly nice and cares about his partner, he's going to want to make her happy in bed in any way he can. My boyfriend is not a natural dom but he does it sometimes because he knows I love it.

As with anything in a sexual relationship, communicating your needs is absolutely vital. You probably won't get it if you don't ask for it.

In my experience, the sweet, gentle type of guy usually needs a bit of instruction on how to be rough/dominant, as it doesn't come naturally to him - but that's easy enough to give.

My current gf and I spent a year or so dating before having sex (intentional, I wanted to see her at her worst before committing, and sex always makes me emotionally commit and fucks up my judgement). She's a crazed extrovert, I'm an introvert. I'm a good dad, I do all the cooking, I'm polite, had a decent job, massage her feet while she watches TV, take the spiders out of her house for her, etc etc.

One evening a week after we started having sex, she was lying on the living room floor covered in lube, I had just finished tit fucking her while slapping her face and tits, came on her chest and then went down on her to finish her off while she played with the cum on her tits. She looked up at me and said "I had no fucking idea that you were this wild sexually. I wouldn't have guessed in a million years." It was high praise.

I am probably one of those kind guys who has really kinky ideas. While I will hold the door, pay the dinner and listen to all problems, I love BDSM (giving and taking). There are just so many sexy things to experience, why would I shy away?

I promise the two aren't mutually exclusive. My SO is the sweetest man I have ever met, and his tenderness is very much appreciated by me, but... Jesus, that boy can turn it off in a second in the bedroom. I've never had any problems getting him to comply when it comes to what I want sex-wise, which usually includes biting, choking, slapping, etc. I love that I'm the only one who gets to see that side of him.

I would say that the best way to get him to take the lead is just to tell him exactly what you want, or compliment him when he does something aggressive that you like.

I am a sweet, tender, gentle guy. But if you ask for it, I will grab your hair and spank your ass raw until you scream. But you've got to be clear that that's what you want, because I don't want to hurt anybody.

We do exist. I was told by my girlfriend that it is strange though. She, like most girls, expects the kinder guys to be gentle in bed. She said it surprised the hell out of her once she got in bed with me.

Great!! I've found a guy who is incredibly sweet and does all the cutesy name calling and good morning texts and stuff, but he is SO gentle in bed. Always likes me to lead, and isn't usually confident enough in himself sexually to get on top. That's why I'm thinking of all this.

I'm not super sweet, per say, but I am genuinely kind. I ask about my gf's day/life/thoughts etc. I cook food and clean. I massage her feet or rub her back when they are sore. But I will also randomly force her legs open and start eating her despite her protests until she admits that she's a little slut and begs to be fucked. Then again, I'm also told I'm a strange guy, so I don't know how common this blend is. I know my relationship itself is rare, being open and all. But there are surely others.

Just tell him sometime what you would like. Tell him in a way so as not to make him feel inadequate, say things like "I think it would be so hot if. . ." He might be willing to try. Make it clear that if he feels awkward he doesn't have to keep up with it if he really gets uncomfortable.

There are gentle dominant lovers out there. It's just more common that gentle ppl are gentle in bed and forceful narcissists take the most control while in bed.
But it's by no means the rule. One thing that helps in selecting partners is being upfront about what you're into. Find a guy who seems nice, let him know in coversation that you like getting kinky and see what his reaction is.

My boyfriend was a virgin when we started dating, and as strange of a concept that it was for me, it actually really helped us fill each other's sexual needs in the bedroom. Like you, I want a sweet/nice guy, but someone who is going to be a bit rougher in the bedroom. My SO was so timid/shy at first, I didn't think it was going to work out, but once I was 100% open with him about what I liked and he gained a bit of confidence, the tables completely turned! With him being a virgin, it really helped mold his sexual preferences (slightly) into what makes me feel good. It's fabulous.

Try my favorite position. It's soft and gentle and very dom. Get into doggy have him wrap is arms around you. I like to have one arm around the neck but making sure not to choke her unless she wants it. The other I wrap under the arms. Then I fall on top of her so we are both flat on the bed. It's very dom because you aren't going anywhere unless I want you to. It's very soft and loveing for him because there is a lot of skin on skin and if it doesn't kill it for her you can even kiss her all over and around the neck area.

As a nice guy.... not mutually exclusive, but it does create some inner conflict that makes it difficult to just let go sometimes.

I've only been with one girl, and her one complaint was that I wasn't dominate enough - most of the time. A few times I managed to just let go and take control and she loved it, and I rather enjoyed it too (if you're the kind of person thats mostly worried about making someone else happy, getting them to the point where they can't even think coherently anymore because of what you've done to them is amazing). The rest of the time... I worried about going too far, even though I knew she was into it.

The main point of conflict is that guys like me look at the meatheaded assholes walking around, see how much women hate the way those guys treat them, and decide we don't want to be anything like them. So when we start to feel like thats how we're acting, the automatic response is to back off a little. When you catch yourself thinking things like "If she can still think clearly enough to say things like 'oh god i'm gonna cum not again!', she hasn't cum hard enough yet," it makes you stop and wonder if you're treating her how she wants to be treated or if you should be listening to what she's saying and stopping. That kind of doubt really kills the mood...

So assuming all this applies to the guys you're interested in (everyone's different), I'd suggest this. Talk to him, make it clear that this is what you like, and then pick out a 'safe word' of sorts. That way, he knows he has free reign and that you're ok with it, and he can just relax and go with it knowing that as long as you haven't said that safe word, it's all good. Also, encourage him to push his limits a bit more (i.e. put idea's in his head) but let him get comfortable and more rough on his own terms, that'll make him more confident which will make him more willing to push his limits etc.

I'm the type you're describing. I read a lot of nifty.org and bdsmlibrary stories growing up, and even though I'm a nice boyfriend, I like to impose, in a dominant and/or rough way. Being nice verbally most of the time and crude some of the time, and being mostly all the time physically rude and slightly, playfully abusive, i.e. manhandling her is a great balance that does good things for desire for both people.