Many moons ago, a small haddock lay shivering in a damp and shat-smelling bush during some great tactical malarkey.

Now I never quite got the hang of running round in the dark pretending to kill each other brutally but I had been told from an early age that this sort of thing was character-building or some such bullcrap. So doing my best to pretend I found the experience of bog-water slowly seeping through to my nether regions highly enjoyable, I lurked waiting with utmost cunning.

On these sort of playtimes, I played to my own rules. While the majority of the more mentally stable would garumph around aimlessly, I would spend hours devising cunning ambushes with, oh the joy, tripwires and pyrotechnics.

Normally an excercise would pass in utter boredom, wishing for some unsuspecting souls to wander into my deathtrap but I was either too stupid or too unlucky for it ever to happen.

However to my eternal delight there was one notable exception to this tiresome rule.

On the night in question, I had devised my most cunning trap to date. If you wish to go into the juicy details I believe every major terrorist organisation has the dummies guide to traps on the relevant websites...

As usual I lay in the bush, snorting at the occasional fly, whispering to my confidantes and listening to the sounds of blanks bursting in stutters throughout the woods. A gloomy shadow materialised on the dark path. Two more followed.

The recognisable figure of Cpl ****** slowly paced forwards.

"Fcuking brilliant" I sucked to the bush next to me.

"Too fcuking right" it whispered back.

The three shadowy figures of our enemies huddled close, oblivious to our presence and peered over a map.

Joy of all joys, all three of them were standing slap bang in the middle of the anarchists device.

Four of us with four rope-ends swiftly pulled and watched as paracord twanged taught and clamped around the ankles of the three shadows.

"OH SH!T!" yelled the collective shadow.

Three bushes and myself leapt out at the figures and enveloped them in rope.

Three dazed shadows sluggishly tried to shudder but found their hands tied and feet bound.

I still chuckle to this day at the thought of the enjoyment we got from the only fruit our repetitive labours ever brought.

The four of us bundled the three shadows, including the knobber himself, Cpl ******, around an obliging tree and bound and gagged them, back to the trunk.

Unable to contain our laughter the piece de resistance was, of course, to undo the helpless shadows trousers' and leave their private parts to the tender mercies of a January night's wind.

With yelps of laughter we dissapeared into the woods to pretend we had been playing normal soldiers all along.

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Next morning we were fully expecting a group bollocking however none was forthcoming. The hated Cpl continued life, all signs saying the affront to his dignity had never happened.

I couldn't hold eye contact with the bugger for longer than a millisecond for fear I would burst out laughing.

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Nothing ever happened as a result of that incident. Until last Friday.
Now believe me, the incident happened years ago, but one of my mates has the memory of an elephant.

All these years he waited for his revenge, the poor sod was part of the strung-up trio.....

Anyhow, on the said Friday, off we went on the p iss as one does. Happily leathering ourselves with wifebeater, the night went as a normal night on the piss goes. Filled with drunken leering at tits combined with ungraceful attempts at seduction...

So happily plastered, the aforementioned mate, a liberal addition of other mates and myself set off wandering in the direction of home. Wherever home was, we weren't sure, but aimless wandering is far better when you tell yourself you are heading for a certain object.

Anyhow, I deviate again. Walking along, trying to decipher which of the two lamposts I am seeing is the real one, I am suddenly knocked down by three so called "bezzers", quickly stripped of my coverings and tied by my own clothing to one of the lamposts, I assume the real one.

The injustice of it! Not only jumped by my own mates, but tied naked by my own boxer-shorts!

What goes around comes around I suppose.

I just want to know - how did he know it was me who jumped him before?

Vewwy dissapointed - No-one else been hung by their underwear? Actually in a such an event, I don't believe the person in question would be still with us to share the tale...

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If you haven't woken up strapped to a vibrating washing machine/tumble dryer with MGB pallet straps/Bungees with a shaving foam filled condom shoved up your nether access,you just haven't lived(according to a friend of mine)

yeah i have a memory like an elephant.getting people back straight away is boring.you just wait.watch .learn.then you can laugh last and harder.ooo its great who ever said revenge isn't sweet!!!...they obviously havent done some of the things i have!!