It’s that time of year year again where we look back on the past 12 months and plan out the coming 12 months. For me 2014 has flown by so fast(except for the months that had 5 weeks). I have so much to be thankful for and there’s also so much to look forward to.

We were taught right from Sunday school to count our blessings. To count them one at a time. But what happens if you your blessings are overshadowed by the not so blessed stuff. I mean it’s so easy to count your blessings when everything seems to be going great.
This year wasn’t a bad year. It wasn’t the bestest best year either. Honestly it was there. Parts of it felt like I was stagnant. Stuck in a rut ( I still feel that way). I struggled so much with so many insecurities. I felt not enough. I felt unworthy. Among many other things.

Many say feelings are deceptive but they are there for a reason. Feelings are a sign that we are emotional beings. Many times I wanted to give up because I felt I’d had enough. I had tried to hard and I was still not going anywhere. I tried to count my blessings but my feelings got in the way. My failures out shone them. My insecurities were louder than the counting. I felt like I was in the struggle all by myself. Even if I’d share with a friend or pray about it, it still felt hard. I still felt stuck, lonely, empty.
There came a time when I didn’t want to seem whiny so I stopped sharing and fell back on my default answer “I’m alright”. I kept a lot bottled up. Having a child made it a lot more easier. Conversations would shift to asking about her. I love talking about her. It always brings a smile to my face and “covers” up the other stuff.

We are a told to give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18). I give thanks that 2014 was a year of great emotional struggles. I have absolutely no idea what 2015 will look. If anything, I’m really nervous about it and somewhat anxious. I am going to hold on to Philippians 4:6-7Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

We’ve all had our blessings and our tough times. None of us know exactly what will happen next year. We have various ideas of what it should look like. The most we can do is dedicate it into the hands of the one who knows the future.

So I haven’t posted anything in a very long time. I have been meaning to. I’ve even started on a couple of posts but those just ended up in the drafts folder. Also I guess I haven’t been feeling very motivated to actually write something I am content with. I absolutely respect bloggers who out up something every week. You are awesome and creative and super talented. It’s not easy. I’ve wanted to do that one post a week thing but well I don’t know. Maybe that should be my new year’s resolution.

Writing stuff down has always been a helpful way for to make sense of things. But then again sometimes life happens very fast you can hardly keep up. Your hands are full with a child you’re desperately trying to spend time with before she grows (of which they grow very fast). Some days I write awesome blog posts in my head and that’s where they stay. I procrastinate a lot and it sets me back a lot in certain areas. Sometimes, it takes good music to get your head in the zone and to find your mojo. And that’s why I am super thankful to Switchfoot. Their “Fading West” album has me in the zone today.

So about these New Year’s resolutions. I have few of them set for next year (Maybe more than a few). I am reluctant about setting them and writing them down even. I am the same way with writing down goals and plans. Because when I fail to reach the set goals I become all disappointed and discouraged. I am hard on myself when I fail. But maybe in 2015, I’ll exercise more, I’ll change my wardrobe(it’s in desperate need of a facelift), I’ll blog more, save more, work harder…amongst a bunch of other things. I believe it’s important to put these things in the hands of the One who knows us better than anyone else. He knows our strengths and weaknesses and He alone makes everything possible.

There are some things that should be left in 2014 though. Lists of those things are going to be making their rounds closer to the beginning of 2015 and in the greatest part of January. This year I purposed to try and rebuild on certain friendships and cement others. At different points this year this worked out well and I failed at some. I often forget that every friendship is a two way street. Both parties have to be willing to invest in the friendship. Sometimes, I was the only one doing the investing. Other times I have to admit, I was the one not putting in effort. If you feel you’ve done your best in a friendship but the other party is not putting in effort, then maybe it’s time to let go. Maybe for a little while till they also realize and put in effort or for a little while then try again. Sometimes it’s for cutting your losses and moving on. Or just for letting go and letting God.

A lot can happen in one hour. A lot more can happen in an entire year. So maybe this year wasn’t your year and you didn’t achieve even a quarter of the stuff you intended to, be glad you have another opportunity to try again. Maybe change your strategy. Sometimes you need to get back to your drawing board and see what failed about your original plan. So you blundered here and there, or you played it safe. You have another upcoming 365 days to try out new things. And besides we have 21 days left. A lot of stuff can happen in 21 days  I am hoping to blog again before this year ends. Fingers crossed.
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3. A person being carefree because they have zero interest in you looks exactly like a person being carefree because they think you’re amazing & are making a conscious effort to play it cool. Good luck deciphering between the two.

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4. Making phone calls is a dying art. Chances are, most of your relationship’s communication will happen via text, which is the most detached, impersonal form of interaction. Get familiar with those emoticon options.

5. Set plans are dead. People have options and up-to-the-minute updates on…

1. You are a prayer in the most holy mouth. The space between clasped hands. A landscape so picturesque at any angle, you are a reminder that magic exists.

2. Oh, they will stop and stare, you most divine creature with unapologetic skin and fearless features. LEARN to take a compliment. Settle into being the center of things.

3. When you fall in love, let it be with a person who asks nothing of you. Your existence should be enough. If they do not kiss you urgently and often, find someone who understands that lips in the presence of love should ignite passion.

4. Keep a few great friends. When they tell you harsh truths, learn to listen for the love. Growth is necessary and annoying at times but look and you will always find the silver lining.

This is my confession. I don’t know how to talk about my feelings. Whether they are good or bad. I don’t know how to begin or what to say. How do I even start.
Most things to me are either black or white. I don’t see well through the gray areas. Yet life is mostly made up of gray areas. When it comes to certain things, I don’t know how to be in between. I’m on either side of the scale.. I show it or I don’t.

Just because I’m not super expressive, doesn’t mean I unable to love. I am. I love with every fibre of my being. I don’t know how to love in between. When I get hurt, I don’t talk about it. I take it in analyse it and talk about it when it’s done. That’s if I do.

The process of processing my feelings is internal (this is where the gray areas lie) The love I feel is internal. The pain I feel is internal. The joy I feel is internal. This is what works me. It’s what I know. I’m a realist. Often at times my realistic side clashes with optimism and pessimism. Realism is my companion when I process. It helps me to make sense.

It’s never an easy thing. Sometimes it brings to light some ugly things. Sometimes it draws me away from the world because there’s peace in solitude. I have found that sometimes you need to step away from the issue to understand the issue. I am learning how to separate the person from the situation.

What am I trying to say here… we all have emotions. Take time to think through the emotions. Live in each as it comes because you probably won’t feel the same tomorrow. The only thing that should remain constant is love. Because it’s powerful like that.