"When we die, we will turn into songs, and we will hear each other andremember each other."

Sunday, December 26, 2010

I realize that this post is pretty vague and not entirely entertaining. The thing of it is, though, that I don't really care. This year was pretty much the best year of my life. It was the kind of year where I could literally feel myself growing (both physically and emotionally.) While not free of tragedy, there is nothing about 2010 that I would change.

Here's the low-down of what happened in 2010:

January:

New Year's Day - Told brothers that I'm gay.

Moved in with my new best buddy, Richie.

January 31st - Threw a sweet substitute party in lieu of my brother's wedding. I'm the best best-man there ever was at a wedding that didn't happen.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

"I'm proud of you. This year was amazing for you. I'm so honored to be friends with you and witness your growth. I love you. A lot."

The person who sent me this text is the first person that I came out to. A year ago, yesterday.

A lot has happened since that day. A couple days later, I went on my first date with a man. I wore the gayest outfit I had (argyle sweater, jeans, and nice shoes). We went to Brewvies (my first time at a bar) and saw "Where the Wild Things Are."

Irrelevant? Yes. Insignificant? Not to me.

I have learned a lot over the last year. Here are a couple highlights that I would like to share with the world:

Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I get to be a bitch.

Being out of the closet is not the equivalent of a degree in design.

Not everything matches.

I am not shaped by stereotypes.

People are usually ready for more than you'd think.

I guess, on the whole, I am one of the luckiest guys I know. Over the past year, I have met a lot of interesting people. Most of the guys I have met have not had the most supportive coming out experience. Sometimes I feel spoiled. I'm not sure what I did to deserve such wonderful people in my life, but I have no complaints.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Last Friday, as I was bending down to get into my car, I heard a sound that I am surprised I never heard sooner. It was the unwelcomed, but unsurprising sound of my pants ripping directly down the middle of my backside.

Peachy.

At first, I handled it well. These pants and I had been through a lot together. These were the same pants that I bought from Mr. Mac (a.k.a. God's haberdashery) before my mission. I have had them for just over three years (and 60-75 lbs) and was ready for them to leave my side.

But then it got worse.

I drove home and moon-walked inside with a random jacket from the back of my car covering my behind. I walked in and laughed about the incident with my mom and my cousin. While we were laughing at my expense, I sheepishly raised my arm behind my head to scratch an itch (or itch a scratch if you're a redneck). My mom started staring at my elbow and told me there was a hole in my shirt.

Damn.

By this point, I had had enough. My reaction was nothing short of "Hulk"-ish behavior. I bent my arm at the elbow and flexed. The hole on my elbow grew until I was able to rip my sleeve off from the elbow down.

For the sake of symmetry, I did the same thing to the other sleeve.

I then walked down the my brother's room and summoned the best Hulk Hogan impression I could muster. I grabbed the front of my shirt and pulled it apart, buttons and all.

Today is my last day of being 21. But yesterday was when the magic happened.

Last night, I had the wonderful opportunity of seeing one of my favorite performers with his old band. The wonderful Andrew McMahon brought the old boys of Something Corporate to Salt Lake City. I love Andrew concerts because I always get to see my fellow Fandrew McFan's and just enjoy the experience.

The concert itself was wonderful (of course), but nothing more to write about there.

The excitement began after the concert.

Myself and two of my dear friends made our way back to the car where we waited for my buddy and the girl he brought with him to buy shirts and come out. I got tired of leaning against the car and wandered by myself to a nice little stoop on the corner. I sat and thought and savored the night by myself for a moment or two. A nice ragged man greeted me with a "How's it going?" and walked past me up the stoop. He reached down and grabbed his sleeping bag and went to find another place to sleep. I felt pretty bad for inadvertently stealing a homeless man's turf, but I didn't really have time to beat myself up about it.

My two friends had a heated discussion about who knows what and one of them came over to join me on the stoop. I could see that she was fresh from a passionate discussion. She was in one of those places where she has hopelessly hopeful. That's the best I can do do describe it. After a couple heavy sighs the other friend made her way over to join us. Immediately after she sat down on the stoop, another man approached pushing a shopping cart. He asked us if we could use a drink. We politely/nervously declined and thanked him anyway. He wouldn't take no for an answer as he calmly reached into his cooler and pulled out three ice cold sodas. He gave us each a can (how did he know I love grade soda?) and started to talk."My name's Buck," he says, "remember my name. I recently got a $200 ticket for giving somebody a can of Pepsi at Pioneer Park. The policeman walked right past a crack dealer and a man with an open bottle of Vodka to give me a ticket for giving a homeless man a Pepsi. I'm going to court to fight it." He continued to tell us how it's only when we lose everything that we really have anything to give. He moved to Salt Lake to battle cancer that should have killed him 18 months ago. He was commissioned by a wealthy man to stay in a house and make sure the homeless don't sleep in his trucks. So now, Buck lets the homeless stay with him in the house. He talked about how the only thing in life that matters is love. "People don't say hi to each other any more." He said and his point was illustrated as a group of young people walked by with their heads down. All Buck likes to do is walk around downtown with his shopping cart, giving food/drinks to the needy.I met a Superhero last night. One day I hope to see Buck again when I'm in a position to give him a hand.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Recently, an old friend of mine was noticing some strange facebook posts from me. She finally put the pieces together and realized that I have finally come out of the closer. She proceeded to ask me some questions (which I loved) and I wrote her back. I decided to post my response to her questions here so that anybody can read them. I really have no shame and will answer any questions that anybody might have. I just want everybody to realize that I'm still the same person, just a lot more comfortable in my own skin.

My response to her questions:

Let's face it. I've pretty much always known. I just felt that it was wrong. I thought that if I was obedient it would just fall off like a scab and I would be normal eventually. I even remember back in fourth grade feeling like I thought other boys were cute and thinking that there must be something wrong with me. I finally acknowledged that it wasn't going away last fall. I was playing the keyboard for Little Shop of Horrors in Magna and found somebody that I thought would be worth pursuing. I remember actually saying out loud "I'm gay" while I was driving home from the play one night. I dated that guy for a while, and started slowly coming out to very close friends and to my family. I told my brothers on new years and they were very accepting (and not really surprised). I told my parents late at night on Valentine's Day. The whole family has been really great about everything.As far as my spirituality is concerned, I don't feel any less spiritual. I just channel my spirituality a little differently now. I obviously have left the church, but I don't feel any hostility toward any of its members. I understand that (most) of their concerns stem from a deeply founded belief that I have "chosen" condemnation and that can be hard for a lot of people to understand. However, I know that God would never make someone feel guilty about who they are. I suppose I COULD try harder. . . ya know, find some poor, innocent girl, hurry her to the temple and continue to suppress whatever instincts I might be feeling, but the risk of snapping later in life is too great and I don't see the need to involve somebody else in that.My coming out journey has been rather pleasant. In fact, sometimes I wonder why I deserve just an easy road. My family is super understanding, I haven't really lost any friends. I have a wonderful boyfriend who is a huge part of my life. It's unfortunate, but in our community, not a lot of young men get to have such an easy time with this. You probably weren't aware, but within the last month, there have been 3 young, gay, mormon boys who have taken their own lives. Devastating. Thanks for taking an interest, and if anybody asks you what's going on, perhaps you can educate them a little.I miss you, but I consider you a lifer in the friend department. Love You,Kyle

Thursday, July 1, 2010

June has been a wonderful month of transition for me. Here are some of the highlights:

- PRIDE: I had the privilege of participating in the Pride Parade downtown as part of the Wells Fargo Corporate entry. I was the Green color captain. It really was such a great experience. I'm glad that I was wearing sunglasses for the parade because I actually got a little emotional when it started. My wonderful mother, sister, and brother joined me in the parade. As we set off on our march, we turned the corner onto the parade route and were greeted by a huge street lined with screaming supporters. I saw the hordes of support on the streets, then I turned to see the people I love the most at my side. It truly was a great moment that I will cherish forever. Thank you to all of my dear friends who joined me on the green team. Also, I am so grateful to work for a company that takes pride in me!

- The weekend after Pride was almost as great. Saturday after work, Ty and his girlfriend joined me for a drive to sunny Elko, Nevada to visit our cousin Hank. We checked in at our impeccably terrifying hotel/casino and hopped over to Hank's house for a little party. The next morning we had a lovely breakfast with my dear cuz Max and his family. One of those moments that should last a lot longer than it really did. Good times.

- I then headed back to Salt Lake, hopped in the shower, and hit the road again. This time I was alone. I headed up to Rock Springs to visit a friend and began my solo vacation for the year. I spent a lot of time alone in my hotel just writing. It was very therapeutic and I would recommend it to everybody. I stayed in Rock Springs for two nights then headed to exotic Montpelier, Idaho (10 miles north of Paris). The drive was beautiful and the little town was very picturesque.

- After two nights in Montpelier, I headed home to see my little sister's first performance in a play. She was the Shrew in "Taming of the Shrew". I have never been more proud of her. She slapped a boy (twice) during the play and I loved it. Hopefully she picked up a few best practices from the character she played.

- I BUZZED MY HEAD. I have always said that I don't want to be one of those balding gentleman who refuses to let go, so I did it. I have embraced my shiny scalp and I feel like it actually looks pretty good.

- After that, I just enjoyed an entire week off from work. I did absolutely nothing. I literally spent an entire day watching a season of America's Next Top Model and I am not ashamed of it. It was just what I needed to recharge my battery.

I loved June, and July is shaping up to be a great month as well. Perhaps I will update my blog more frequently. Perhaps I won't.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Well, I avoided it for as long as I could, but the time finally came for me to play in one of my softball games. I somehow managed to find a reason to miss the first four weeks of the season, but ran out of options this time around. There was no escape.A couple months ago, my brother, Todd, talked me into joining him and a bunch of his friends on a men's league softball team. Aptly named, The Hitmen, our team consists of Todd's besties from high school and their brothers, the three Mantas boys, and my all-too-willing buddy Richard. Excluding myself and Richard, the rest of the team has played before (at least, that is, within the last ten years). Before last night, I can't remember the last time I picked up a bat. . . Oh, wait. . . I can remember. My cousins and I used to challenge my grandpa's neighbor girls to softball games. My cousins always made me be on the girl's team. I remember being up to bat. The pitch came my way. I swung. Made contact. Then something hit me in the face. That's right. I managed to angle the my swing just right so that the ball smacked me in the eye right off the bat.After hearing that story, you can see why I was so hesitant to finally show up for a game. . .Well, I got to the field and thought I should probably warm up a little bit. Richard and I took our places next to the real athletes and began playing catch. We got more and more excited each time one of us caught it. Between each throw, I found myself making comments like "Isn't there a musical somewhere that I should be watching?", "Do I throw like a girl?", etc. . .The time finally came for the game to start. My brother posted the batting line up and I waited anxiously in the dug-out for my turn. Luckily, we had our third out right before it was my turn to bat. This meant that I could get the first out of the next inning and feel okay about it.They graciously placed me in right-field, and promised me that nobody ever hits it out there. Wrong. A hit rolled my way, apparently I did a good job stopping it and getting it back to the pitcher.After that inning, it was my turn to hit. I marched up to the plate, making sure to shake my booty a little extra, hoping the other team would take it easy on me [why I thought a booty shake would insight sympathy? I will never know, but it's all I had]Anyway, the umpire [or "blue" as I like to call him] said "play ball" and I raised a shaky bat over my shoulder. The pitch came slowly [the booty shake must have worked] and I swung. I made contact and the ball dropped to the ground five feet in front of me. Oh well. . . It was still in play, so I took off toward first base. I ran as fast as my chubby little legs could carry me. I was kind of slow, but once I started going, nothing could stop me [ a lot like that X-Man "Juggernaught"]. When I crossed first base, I tried to stop myself right on the base. My shoes had virtually no traction and my body kept going. I stopped moving my legs, but my top half advanced. I spun, lept, spun again, and fell to the ground. I rolled in the air to make sure I landed on my back. I hit the dirt and a shovel full of dirt made it's way down my shorts, which started making their way down my butt.To add to my embarrassment, I wasn't sure if I was out. So I got up and walked to first base to ask the first base coach if I was out. He nodded and I made my triumphant return to the dug out.Now, don't take this event as an indication that I was a failure for my team. Each of my three at bats ended with me hitting the ball. My 2nd up was a single, and I eventually made it to home on my 3rd.It was a fun time, and I have no reason to be surprised by the way things turned out. I look forward to next week. I will be buying better shoes before then, so there will be nothing stopping me.I am the Juggernaught.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Sunday, April 4, 2010

I have been on quite a reading kick lately, so this question is more difficult to answer than it would have been a couple years ago. However, there is one book that will always be my favorite. Always. Most people make have a pained expression when I tell them that this book is my favorite, but I have my reasons, I promise.My all-time favorite book is "The Grapes of Wrath" by John Steinbeck. I think the reason most people get so uptight when I mention this book is because they were probably forced to read it for school. I had the privilege of reading the classic before it was assigned to me and it made all the difference. I would encourage everybody to revisit "Grapes", as well as any other piece of classic literature that may or may not have been ruined by unreasonable reading deadlines.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Well, I'm a kid who just loves to watch movies. It's probably my second most favorite thing to do. So, choosing a favorite is just about impossible.Recently, I have taken to liking the work of Quentin Tarantino. I could watch the Kill Bill Vol. 1 once a week if I was able to.However, the blog aid didn't ask what my favoriteS are. . . just one. So, without further ado, my favorite movie:Here's a hint, it stars five girls from England in really large shoes. . .

Friday, April 2, 2010

I got this list off of my dear friend Rachel's blog and I'm going to use it.The first item on the list is to blog about your favorite song.

I have a couple favorite songs depending on my mood. When I am sulking, I like to listen to my boy Sufjan Stevens.

My favorite song to karaoke would have to be Madonna's "Vogue". Unfortunately, I can't find a video that will let me post it on this page. . . You should listen to it. I'm pretty excited that the Glee cast is releasing their own version of the song on April 20th.

I have been itching to do something awesome lately, but I haven't come up with any plans that would be awesome enough That is, until the other night. . . .I have decided that I am going to have one of the best weeks of my life sometime in June. I am planning on taking at least a week off from work, going to a random small town hotel/bed & breakfast in another state, and locking myself away from my world during that time. Sounds crazy, I know. But, the plan is for me to spend most of the time writing. I don't know what I will have to show for it at the end of my trip, but I think it will be therapeutic for me.The only think I have to pin down is this. . . where can I go that is isolated enough to not have too many worldly distractions, but still inspiring enough to help me come up with some good stuff. I am thinking of staying somewhere like Salmon, Idaho. The only problem with that is that I have stayed there twice already. I would like it to be somewhere new, somewhere in the northwest.I am open to suggestions :)

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Alright ya'll. I'm going to attempt to add photos to a blog post. This is huge for me.

Last weekend, I went on an epic road trip with two of my dearest friends (who just happen to me brother and sister). Melissa, my coworker, and Richard, my roommate, accompanied me on the best road trip ever. Our final destination was the Bamboozle Festival at Angels Stadium in Anaheim, featuring Story of the Year, Orianthe, and most importantly - Something Corporate. My friends and I are starting to make a habit out of travelling to see any concert involving Andrew McMahon (Something Corporate's frontman).I will now walk you through our trip.Day 0ne:We started our drive. My new car did a great job. We met up with Richard's coworker and her husband (who I went to high school with) in Scipio and caravaned with walkie-talkies the rest of the way to Vegas. Alissa was kind enough to let us stay at her parents house in LV. Her dad entertained us with some brilliant piano playing and singing.That night, we wandered the strip aimlessly and ended up buying discount tickets to see the Blue Man Group. This show is amazing. Period. During our time on the strip, we made sure to catch a Bellagio water show. The song they played was "Singin' in the Rain." For whatever reason, it made me really emotional. I remember thinking that if the song went on any longer I might have shed a solitary tear.Day Two:The next day was Friday. We hit the road early so we could soak up as much of the California sun as possible. We drove straight to Newport beach. Melissa and Richard set up a blanket and played frisbee for a bit while I walked up and down the shops at Newport. I bought a t-shirt, a shot glass, flip-flops and a towel. You know, beach essentials. Unfortunately, none of us planned to bring our camera to the beach so we don't have any pictures. My favorite part about the beach was walking by myself into the water fully clothed and letting the waves hit me. It was an incredible experience. I only regretted it a little bit when I couldn't wear those clothes again for the rest of the trip.

Friday night we just played in our hotel room. Other pictures were taken involving make-up that I will not be posting. If you are curious enough, check facebook. I was mercilessly tagged in all of them.Day Three:Saturday was the day we had all been waiting for. We woke up early, enjoyed our continental breakfast, then hit the streets on our way to DISNEYLAND!!!We were masters of the fast pass and had knocked many of the classic rides off of our list by the time the crowds arrived. It was enjoyable, of course. Unfortunately, my lame, old-man-ness made me get a little bit sick. I endured as long as I could, long enough to ride the Tower of Terror. Then we decided to call it a day.Day Four: Sunday was the day of the Bamboozle festival. Late Saturday night, we were joined in our hotel room by a couple of friends or Richard. The next morning, we all woke up and showered. Then we checked out of the hotel room and went to a park to hang out. I stopped at Target and purchased a book to read. "The Cather in the Rye" is the book I bought and I immediately fell in love with it. I lounged on the blanket with my cheez-its, ipod, blackberry, and book and was undisturbed for a good portion of the time.Since I only went to the festival to see Something Corporate, I spent most of the time there reading my new book. I was definitely the only person at this punk-rock festival rockin' it with a classic novel. Something Corporate performed and is was incredible. Then we hit the road for our thru-the-night drive home. We got back to SLC at 9 the next morning.The trip was exhausting but we did SO much. I had a wonderful time and am grateful for such great, adventurous friends. This is the sort of thing people my age are supposed to do. I liked it.

Monday, March 15, 2010

I apologize in advance. . . I was ambitious with the font size on this one. . . Still haven't mastered this website. . .Okay, I admit it. . . . I stole this idea from the blog that I stalk the most (thank you Mrs. Jones).Since, I suck at blogging of my own accord, I thought it wise to borrow someone else's idea. . . So here it is. . . My detailed list of the Top Ten Things I couldn't live without in no particular order:

1. Independence. . . not in a Glenn-Beck-creepy-patriotic way (don't get me wrong, I love America). . . but the independence to which I refer is on a much more personal level. I have finally reached a point in my life where I can say that I am completely independent.

1. Music. . . Without it, my heart has no beat.

1. Family. . . My new-found independence has helped me realize that my family is incredible! I have recently dropped some bombshells on my dear parents. Fortunately, their soft hearts have muffled any explosions.

1. Sandstone. . . Random addition to the list? I don't think so. . . Without sandstone, there would be no Zion National Park. . . without ZNP, there would be no holiday from real :)

1. Bowling. . . There are few games involving balls at which I excel. . . bowling is a part of this elite club.

1. The Beatles. . . Since the release of The Beatles Rock Band, I have taken my respect for the Fab Four to a new level. . . I could try to explain further, but you wouldn't understand.

1. Billy Joel and Elton John. . . My first memory of music that wasn't country goes like this. . . On several occasions, I would ride in the back seat of my dad's old chevy pick-up. (It had wooden drink holders, and a sticky spot on the passenger seat where he spilled a Dr. Pepper.) My dad had a Billy Joel cassette. The album was "the River of Dreams." Track number 9 ends with an inspiring rapid drum-fire. My dad would always make sure to halt whatever conversation was going on just in time to turn the radio up so we could feel the drum solo. I recently had the opportunity to attend the Billy Joel/Elton John concert. . . It changed my life, but not how you think it would. Billy didn't play the song that I remember most, but being there made me go back to that truck to salvage the memory. I have since purchased the CD of that album and I refuse to allow conversation for the last 30 seconds of track #9.

1. My feet. . . I've had to be quick on them a lot lately.

1. Brothers. . . a.k.a. best friends.

1. Minds (both open and closed). . . You can learn a lot about somebody by throwing something big at their head and waiting to see if the thing you threw is welcomed into their brain, or if it just bounces off a closed door.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

This weekend, I achieved one of my life goals. There are few things that I absolutely have to do before I die and I did one of them this weekend. I saw Billy Joel and Elton John in concert on Friday night and my life will forever be changed. To be in the same room, no matter how large, with people who have shaped music so much was amazing. To see the two gods of piano rock sit key-to-key was incredible. To make things even cooler, I got to see the concert from a sweet suite directly above the stage. I have never been in one of those little-rich-people-boxes before and I'm sorry to say that I hope to never have to sit anywhere else at the Energy Solutions Arena. The seats had cushions, the view was incredible, and there was an unlimited supply of mozzarella sticks and coke.Since my ticket was gifted to me, I justified the expense of buying a concert t-shirt ($40 . . . ) and a Billy Joel keychain ($10 . . . ). Expensive? yes. Worth it? yes again.I am sorry that I never post pictures on my blog because the shirt is pretty sweet.On my way to the concert, I mentioned that the only concert that could possibly top this would have to be Michael Jackson, after his death. Since that's never going to happen, I can officially say that I have seen the best concert imaginable.Unfortunately, this means that all concerts from here on out will pale in comparison to my heroes: Elton and Billy.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Dear Everyone,I apologize for leaving you all hanging out there in the blogosphere. My bad for not posting for about nine months.Here is a quick update on my life since we last spoke:In April, I moved out of my parents house and down to Provo.In May, I kept living in Provo and still liked it.In June, I vacationed in my new favorite city - Seattle. It is seriously one of the coolest places I have ever been. I would love to settle in Seattle someday.In July, I lit some fireworks and went on a blind date with a girl who was incredibly tall. It's sad, but that's all I remember from July. Oh yeah, my best buddy, BigCat (Jordan) came home from his mission in July. That was good for me.In August, I turned 21 (finally) and moved into another apartment in Provo with said best buddy. I also began taking classes at UVU. I declared myself as a Communication major but didn't take any comm classes.In September, I started liking Provo again. . . briefly. In October, I had the honor of travelling to Denver with a coworker and some new friends to see one of my all-time favorite performers :Andrew McMahon (lead singer of Jack's Mannequin and Something Corporate). My friends and I won a contest where we got to go in early to the show and meet the star. October held other great things for me. After my car broke down, preventing me from a trip to Idaho, I got roped into playing the keyboard in a band for the play "Little Shop of Horrors." It was a great experience and reminded me how much I love performing. I also bought a new car in October. (apparently it was a big month)In November, my dislike for Provo returned with a vengeance. I decided to throw in the towel and began searching for someone to buy my contract. In December, I did my best to get through Christmas without beating anybody up. I decided this year to give the holidays a second chance. It really wasn't too bad. Some of the highlights include: helping the Burgeners decorate their Christmas tree, drinking sparkling cider, and playing Santa Clause at the Trayner family Christmas Eve party.Now that it is January, I find myself in an entirely different place. I moved home temporarily and now I live on my own again. I am renting a room in a house with 5 guys in South Salt Lake (Millcreek). One of my roommates is a new friend from 2009 and I'm enjoying my time here. Rent is super cheap and I have my own room. The best part is that I don't live in Provo anymore.

So that's my update. I will try to blog more frequently in the coming months but I can't make any promises. My life just isn't that exciting.