Month: August 2017

Bedminster, New Jersey: NASA confirmed today that President Trump has ordered the agency to conduct a search for his missing cabinet members.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham went with the President on his morning round of golf at Trumps summer White House in Bedminster New Jersey. He asked the President why he felt that NASA needed to search for missing cabinet members. Trump replied;

“They are the experts at alien abductions Mocksham. Haven’t you ever watched the X files?”

When asked why he felt that aliens are abducting his staff, Trump answered back;

“Where else could they have gone? It seems like every time I look up from making a tweet another one is missing.”

“Good God Andy. First General Flynn. Then Comey, Bharara, Dubke, Shaub, Spicey, Priebus, Short, Harvey, the Mooch and now Banny Banana Bannon. My entire business advisory council. I can’t even remember all of them anymore. The only ones the aliens haven’t touched is my religious advisory council, and to be honest I can understand why, those people freak me out bigly. Every time I see them they put their hands on me and start speaking really funny.”

“Pretty soon the only people left will be all these religious nuts and the voices inside my head.”

“NASA better not blow this or I will have no choice but to get rid of the whole agency.”

Buenos Aires, Argentina: The Trump administration was once again on the defensive today as sources said that Vice President Pence was visiting the South American nation of Argentina seeking a possible future asylum location that would be friendly to a deposed foreign leader.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to get through to White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. When he asked if there was any truth to the rumors of VP Pence scouting out a possible asylum location for administration officials, she replied:

“Isn’t this a lovely day in the nations capitol Mocksham?”

After a repeat of the question, She responded;

“I have this wonderful letter from a little boy In Argentina named Donaldo Jr. He just can’t stop talking about how much he loves the American Presidente, El Trumpo!” She beamed.

“Would you like for me to read it to you?”

However, Argentinian director of the office of political asylum, Adolpho Himmler jr told the RFN that,

“Argentina has a proud tradition of allowing deposed former nationalist alt-right leaders to relocate to our beautiful country, no questions asked.”

“We have been eagerly awaiting an official visit from the US administration.”

Bedminster, New Jersey: President Trump said that he was considering the use of a “Military Option” against the US Congress over its inability to undo 8 years of President Obama’s domestic policy during an impromptu press conference at his Bedminster, New Jersey golf resort, flanked by his national security team.

“These spineless democracy lovers who care more about being re-elected, instead of my own lack of ideas are a threat to this great nation.”

The President also threatened military action against North Korea, Venezuela, Special Council Robert Mueller, Blue states that voted against him, the Fake news media and every country except Russia.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was allowed to spend a few minutes with Trump immediately afterward and asked him if he was serious about using the US military against everyone who disagrees with him. He replied;

“I am tired of not having my way Mocksham!”

“It doesn’t matter if I don’t have any idea what should be done, I just want it to get done.”

“It’s my way or the highway Mocksham.”

When asked if the nuclear option was on the table domestically, his response was;

“I think you know the answer to that. I don’t talk about how I will respond, but you know the answer. This country is a mess, a very dangerous mess.”

“I know more than the Generals and Congress about how to get things done.”

Moscow, Russia: Russian President Vladimir Putin offered to buy the global television rights to US President Trumps trial for collusion and obstruction of justice, and to broadcast it globally on pay per view.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was on vacation in Russia and traveled to Moscow for an interview with President Putin about his proposal.

When asked why he wanted the broadcast rights to any possible Trump trial, Putin replied:

“ Why wouldn’t I? This is going to be the trial of the century. An American President was being aided by, financed by, and influenced by a foreign government.”

“This is historical.”

“Besides, Trump is a businessman, Yes? He will understand the need to use the profits from a global pay per view audience of his trial to repay his debts to Russia.”

“There is no bankruptcy option with our loans Mr. Mocksham.”

“I offer to give the US treasury a small percentage of the profits. That should be enough to pay back your national debt to China.”

“Ironically, Donald will be keeping his promise to reduce the deficit.” Putin said as he smiled really big and looked to the west.”