How involved should my parents be? (long)

I’ve been engaged for about 2 months, and so far it hasn’t been a pleasant experience. I’m not even terribly excited.

A little backstory: my folks split up when I was 13. My mom went down this road of substance abuse in addition to having mental illness. She can’t take care of herself and she wound up in an assisted living home at the age of 52 (her roommate is 90, just to give you an idea as to what’s going on). My dad went on to remarry a wealthy woman whom my brother and I initially liked, but began to resent when she and my dad insisted that she was the new “mom”. The two of them are so wrapped up in one another and have isolated themselves from my family, and do not speak to me, my brother, my uncle (dad’s brother) and also are on scant speaking terms with his other brother and my grandparents. I haven’t had a civil conversation with the man in almost 3 years, and we have seen each other in person maybe twice.

When I told him I was engaged, he said he was happy, but his tone of voice said otherwise. He was upset because my FH didn’t ask for his permission. In my mind I’m like “what! you don’t even talk to ME! how can you expect him to approach you!” He is also concerned that he needs to “give me away” at my wedding. My view is that why should we put on a front for people that we have a “normal” father-daughter relationship for the sake of tradition? I know that the more involved he becomes, the more doors for hurt and disappointment open. If we can’t have a civil conversation about the weather, how can I involve him with a wedding? The icing on the cake of that conversation was that he said “I don’t have time to meet with you now, or in the next three weeks, but maybe after we can meet up”. He never followed through. Nor did I really want to.

I haven’t spoken to him since. It’s in my heart that I should invite him at least (which I will), but he can’t sit with the rest of my family for fear of awkwardness or a fight, and I really do not feel I’d be true to myself if we did the whole father-daughter aisle-walk and dance and all that jazz.

As for my mother, I haven’t even told her I’m engaged yet. I haven’t seen her for close to 7 years and she has never met FH, doesn’t remember his name half the time. When we speak on the phone, she’s out of it most of the time because of the meds she’s on and the past substance abuse taking a toll on her brain. She does remember some things. But it hurts because my mom has never been a “bad” person and I know she loves me, she has just made some very poor choices in life. It kills me that I can’t ever go wedding dress shopping with her. I’m not sure how or when to tell her, and if she knows she can’t come to my wedding. Not sure if the home will let her leave, or if I even want her there. After 7 years, its almost like she’s not my mom but just an older woman I speak to a few times a year. We really don’t know eachother any more.

So, there’s my story. I should probably talk to a therapist about this, but I wanted to tell my story here. I haven’t found a forum where there is a story that’s even close to mine in comparison, and I feel like I’m the ONLY PERSON who feels this way. I told it on another (not named) site’s forum, but it got deleted by the admins 🙁 Apparently it’s not OK to have a dysfunctional family and not be excited about involving said family in nuptial affairs.

No one should be more involved in your wedding than you feel comfortable. Your dad doesn’t have to wak you down the aisle, or give you away, your mom doesn’t have to even be invited… etc etc… It may cause some conflict, but stand your ground, and only do what YOU want to do and what will make you happy. Don’t let anyone bully you into including them at a certain level, especially when they’ve never been there for you otherwise. Weddings tend to bring out the worst in people when it should bring out the best and most understanding. Sorry you’re having to deal with this. Just stay strong! Do what you need to do for yourself!

Hmm, that all sounds like it pretty much sucks. My situation is different but I don’t speak to either of my parents and I just wanted to chime and and remind you that your parents don’t HAVE to be involved at all. Mine arnt invited to my wedding, I don’t even know if they know it’s happening, and do you know what? It’s fine. Anyone who knows and loves me and my FI either know why my parents won’t be at the wedding or are probably too polite to ask. I have excluded them from my wedding because it’s the right thing for me and I don’t want them there. You are an adult and you do get to choose who you let into this important occasion, so I just wanted to let you know that if you’d rather keep them out if it then you can choose to do that and still have a great wedding! Good luck.

I have a horrific relationship with my dad due to his substance abuse/physical and mental abuse of my siblings and I. I also have a strained relationship with my step sisters die to their alienation of out family. They are all not invited. If you don’t have a good relationship you don’t have to put on a mask for tradition. People are only allowed as much of a role as YOU want and there is nothing wrong with them not having a role at all. Will it hurt some feelings? Probably. But everyone makes their choices and all choices have consequences and your mother and father have made some poor choices that will have consequences they don’t like with regard to their involvement with you. It is selfish of your father also to demand more of a role than you are comfortable with. It seems like mostly concerned with “looking good” in a public setting. Like he hasn’t been there but now there are people watching he wants to be? Do what makes you happy, you don’t owe anyone anything.

This is your wedding, and as PP have posted, do what you feel comfortable doing. If you don’t want your dad walking you down the aisle then don’t! If you want somebody to do it, get a grandfather (if either are still with you), one of your dad’s brothers, or even your brother! Or even walk down the aisle with your FH! I’ve read of couples doing that as well. Good luck and don’t feel bad or anything about this. They made the choice if what type of relationship they wanted with you, and their choice is their loss, not yours!!

When I got married to my ex H back in 2001, I hadn’t been in touch with my father for 13 years – he wasn’t invited.

I also didn’t invite my mother, as she ruined my first wedding with her selfishness.

The point I’m trying to make is that you don’t have to have your parents involved with your wedding at all if you don’t want to. I didn’t feel guilty about my choices as I felt that my parents had failed to make their relationship with me a priority in their lives, and I wasn’t willing to ‘pretend’ that we had a better relationship than exists on my wedding day.

I didn’t involve my parents in my wedding because they were being too controlling. They didn’t care what my wishes were. I am not close to my mother at all, yet she wanted to pretend we were close so that she could take over my wedding.

I didn’t appreciate the way my parents pushed my husband into asking for my hand, by refusing to acknowledge my engagement until he did so. I also did not wish to be given away like a possession.

I ended up eloping to get away from my parents, especially my unbearable and ridiculous mother. Talking to her didn’t work. Sometimes people need a slap in the face to wake up and that was what my elopement was for my mother. Now she doesn’t get into my business at all.

Just do whatever is going to make you happy. You don’t owe dysfunctional parents anything.

My relationship with my parents isn’t patently horrible and I still didn’t involve them. They were invited, but no speeches, no role of honor, no bouts/corsages, no gifts, no allotted number of people they were allowed to invite etc. They were guests like everyone else. Because it was my choice and I preferred not to. My point: girl, do what will make YOU feel good! Your wedding doesn’t have to be the one pivotal event where you drive yourself crazy trying to mend your relationships with everyone. You can always become besties with your Dad later, if and when either or both of you are so inclined.