Category Archives: Philosophy

This is part of an ongoing series in which I read and interpret Thomas Aquinas’s SUMMA THEOLOGICA for butt joke aficionados. See this post for more information.

This is technically a nut joke, but it’s close enough, right?

Hey guys. Tomorrow is election day, so that’s kind of horrible. Y’know what’s not horrible, though? More Summa! And also, the fact that no matter what horrible things happen in government, God is still in control and God is still good. Like, for instance, he gave us such eternal pillars of theological truth as St. Thomas Aquinas. So let’s get to it!

This is part of an ongoing series in which I read and interpret Thomas Aquinas’s SUMMA THEOLOGICA for butt joke aficionados. See this post for more information.

Hey guys. It’s been a while.

I had kind of stopped doing this because I didn’t think anyone was reading it, but several people have asked me what happened to it, so I thought I’d pick it up again. And also, judging from the presidential election going on, we’re all desperately in need of some wisdom right now.

This is part of an ongoing series in which I read and interpret Thomas Aquinas’s SUMMA THEOLOGICA for butt joke aficionados. See this post for more information.

Hey guys. Been a couple of weeks. (Sorry.)

Today we’re diving deep into ontology — that is, the science of being. How can you know what really is? You can’t. You’re trapped in your head. And your head is stupid.

And by the way, if you’re into ontological head-trips, I wrote a novel about that sort of thing. You should buy it. I mean, you owe me that much, right? It’s called OPHELIA, ALIVE, and it’s sort of like Stephen King meets Descartes, with lots of sex jokes and Millennial angst. What’s not to love? Check it out!

This is a stack of three copies of my book. But, just to show you what a swell guy I am, you only have to buy one.

Anyhoo, let’s get started:

I, Q. 1, Art. 5:

Whether Sacred Doctrine Is Nobler than Other Sciences?

This is the moment of truth, you guys: when we find out which science is the best science. We all know that Aquinas is going to tell us that theology is (because, y’know, job security), but personally I’m rooting for interior decorating. Continue reading

This is part of an ongoing series in which I read and interpret Thomas Aquinas’s SUMMA THEOLOGICA for butt joke aficionados. See this post for more information.

Hey guys. Long time no see.

I let this thing slide for a while, because I was pretty busy with the launch of my existential horror novel and my new column at Christianity Today (look at me, I’m famous), but try as I might, I just can’t quit the Summa. The more time I spend online, the more I realize that what the interwebz need now is Aquinas, sweet Aquinas. (Either that, or more self-righteous screaming matches.)

While this was technically true (though a Kim Kardashian joke must count for something, right?), I think my readers were a bit too literal-minded with regard to the phrase “butt jokes” in the title of this series. While there will indeed be jokes about literal butts in this series, I tend to think that any sufficiently childish joke is a butt joke in spirit.

But because I know that won’t satisfy the folks in the peanut gallery, let’s get this out of the way:

THERE. A BUTT JOKE. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, YOU WORTHLESS GROUNDLINGS?

And so, my friends, we proceed with the Summa‘s first question’s second article (or whatever):

This is part of an ongoing series in which I read and interpret Thomas Aquinas’s SUMMA THEOLOGICA for butt joke aficionados. See this post for more information.

Honestly, that “know” wedge is pretty generously sized

Let’s start with how the Summa’s organized. It’s broken into three large parts: Part I is mostly about God; Part II is mostly about morality; Part III is mostly about Jesus. Each part is broken down into several “questions,” and each question is broken down into several articles (which themselves are actually phrased as actual questions, so that’s kind of weird).

I’ll be looking at an article a week. Each article has a specific structure:

a question, followed by

several objections to Aquinas’s answer;

(sometimes) an “On the Contrary” section, which provides a counterpoint to the objections;

Aquinas’s answer, and finally

his responses to the objections.

In other words, the objections to the answer come before the answer itself, sort of like when Fox News interviews a Democrat. I’ll break this stuff down piece-by-piece for you. Good? Good.

As a reminder: I’m doing this as a layman, from the English translation of the Summa that I have on hand. Anything I actually get right is purely coincidental.

My non-fiction debut, HOLY SH*T! The Dirtiest Bits in the Bible, is in the works.

Things are a little slow on my blog these days, because people keep giving me paid writing gigs. (I know, weird, right?) Still, I keep it around for those moments when I feel like writing something that no one else would ever publish. Like, for instance, stuff about papal encyclicals and terrible horror movies.

I dream of a day when all will be made new, and when everything will taste like beer. Seriously, someone get on that.