A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'

The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'

The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
T
he lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question.

The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.

The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT?" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

This bookkeeper is deaf, an occupational benefit since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the mafioso confronts the bookkeeper about his missing money, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The mafioso asks, "Where's the ten million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper, and the bookkeeper signs back. The attorney tells the mafioso, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The mafioso pulls out a 9-mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs, "Don Vito will kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper sighs and signs back, "Okay, you win. The money is in a brown briefcase buried behind the shed in my backyard on Staten Island."

The mafioso asks the attorney, " Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney shakes his head. "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."