How To Heal A Disagreement With Someone Who Dislikes You

I’ll be the first to admit it… There are people from my past who don’t like me. People who I care deeply for, yet our relationship has been fractured by a seemingly irreparable disagreement.

However, I also have relationships with people who’ve allowed our hurtful disagreements to be transformed into healed acceptance.

Furthermore, I’m learning that when living in a culture in which offense and sensitivity are as common as air, a leader’s ability to prevent, manage, and restore relationships becomes their greatest currency.

Below, I have outlined three perspectives that have helped me turn pain into progress and passion into patience. They are not merely points I have written either, but practices I’ve used in moments of great cost to those involved.

1. Procrastinating An Apology Always Makes The Problem Worse

Recently, I wrote about the consequences procrastination can inflict upon a dream, or loved one, or career. But procrastination in the face of heated disagreement clashes with the age-old mantra “time heals all”. While time does bring further healing to a rectified relationship, time brings resentment to a wounded conversation between parties.

In my experience, an apology is an act of leadership. And however counterintuitive it may feel in the moment, I’ve learned that the hard thing is typically the right thing.

By initiating a sincere, humble, apology whether it’s received or not, you have effectively set the tone and stage for future restoration.

Even so, we must remember that changed behavior is the best apology. That being said, in the midst of your expression of regret, be sure to affirm your counterpart that your words have been and will be translated into better behavior in future exchanges.

2. Humility Feels Like Fire But Heals Like Water

A mentor once told me, “Dale, it’s very difficult to argue with a humble person.” Turning strife into strength requires a willingness to value the person above the topic of disagreement. Naturally, we self-preserve and if we’re not careful, we can default into a state of defensiveness (another topic I’ve written about).

In the Bible, sits a piece of scripture I have not only memorized but continue to submit to in times of contention. It reads, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others.”

In reality, God expects us to value other’s outcome above our own. We are to care more about the person than the problem and we are to lay aside our own selfish desires for the restoration of the relationship.

Lastly, pride is the enemy of love. Where pride wins, our efforts of repair lose. Remember, humility is leaving pride at the door—just be sure it doesn’t sneak onto your foot as you walk across the threshold.

3. We Can’t Control What Happens To Us, But We Can Control What Happens In Us.

Even our best efforts of reconciliation can leave us playing solo in a duet. Just last year, I reached out to a friendship that ended in a painful disagreement. The wounds were both deep and sensitive. Because this person lived in another state, I attempted to share my apology by phone. I remember sitting in my car praying for self-control, humility, and patience.

Despite my greatest efforts, our call ended with him hanging up on me. I felt defeated and helpless. But then, a friend reminded me “You can’t control what happens to you Dale, you can only control what happens in you.”

After embracing those words, I realized that progress had been made. The ball is now in his court. Forgiveness is something we get to ask for, not demand for. But taking control of how I felt from our conversation is what has helped me move on without a root of bitterness in my heart.

In closing, our reputation is priceless. It’s my belief that we must invest in the constant protection of our good name. But we must also be willing to put “being right” below “making things right”. A man or woman is only as strong as the perception others have about them. It’s my hope you can take these lessons and apply them to not just the people who matter but the enemies we so easily have forgotten.

Looking For More Influence

I find that those who read my writings are dreamers, doers, and leaders who desire to influence the world. In my experience, influence begins with the freedom to think and the income to pursue ideas, movements, and desires. To me, there is no better path forward than entrepreneurship. If you’re interested in turning your passion into your profession or your calling into a career. Let me help you. Consider my step-by-step program below.

Reader Interactions

Comments

Hey Dale! I just wanted to let you know I’m reading your blog regularly and when newsletter lands to my inbox it always makes my day because there’s always something my soul resonates with Thank you for this lovely article, I believe all of us encountered some difficult people during life and, personally, I’d like I knew stuff you wrote here much earlier. On a positive note, it’s never too late to change things and do some (how I like to call it) “inner work” within ourselves.

I am in a difficult position regarding a damaged relationship. The individual who has been offended by me has in no way directly communicated that to me. Instead, I hear comments he has made to other people, so these comments are two or three (or more) people removed from him. The things he is saying are also not true. All of our direct dealings with each other were, it seemed to me, open and honest. I don’t know if it’s entirely right to approach him with, “I’ve heard…” as this just seems like gossip chasing gossip. I continue to pray for insight and wisdom. Your words are helpful guideposts.

Glad you find wisdom here, Marjie! I do sometimes find the need for uncomfortable confrontation, like ‘I’d really like to talk with you and hear from you about our friendship.” Or something like it. It’s direct and certainly doesn’t feel too aggressive, but then at least it could get the ball rolling in a direction. Hope things are repaired for you, Marjie!

What do u do in the case of ur ex
11 months ago I got out of a domestic violence relationship I have a seven-year-old autistic son his dad cheated on me with a 19-year-old girl got her pregnant and marry her. He did it on Dec. 2015 I for gave him and we were working on our relationship so I thought two months later he did this. So I got out. I have to deal with him because of my son every time he talks to me he talks with bad words. He despises me like I had done anything to him? Numerous times I told him to talk to me with respect the same way I talk to him. We live together for 11 years. After the 1st years he started disrespecting me with words and physical to. I did not had a place to go so I stay. Till my 23 year old daughter found out. And We move out with her in a room she was renting. I don’t know how do with this guy anymore. I try not to talk to him at all only about our son but every time he text me back he refers to me us Listen “B” I can’t stand his abuse anymore. The court order visitation rights. N this is why we text. He stop calling my son 11 days n got mad with me because I don’t make my son call him. And having visit him for 5 weeks because he say he doesn’t have money for gas because he’s not working. Honestly I don’t know what to do anymore. Thank you for your post they are very helpful. And I just love the way you love and respect your Wife n your children.

Such a tough journey and deep suffering you have in your life, Shirley. I pray for wisdom through a committed, safe community around you. I also pray for discernment in your communications with him as you persevere through the pain and trauma. Stay faithful, Shirley. You are loved and endlessly, divinely valuable as a mother and a woman on this earth.

being genuine and asking the person what he/she feels hurt specifically and being a great listener.
The book How to win friends and influence people has also helped me immensely with people skills.
Also writing out my thoughts before I confront so I am clear in my stance since emotions tend to fog my mind.

Oh wow, I completely needed this today. As a brand new business owner I have had a competitor slander my name without meeting me and continue after meeting me while playing the victim card as well as sending her students after mine at school. I honestly have to say I now want nothing to do with her and don’t want to resolve anything on moral grounds…. but is that me taking the higher ground or just being stubborn? This is a crossroads for me. We are expected to work as a team for an upcoming community event but I’m continually putting employees between us so I don’t have to deal with her. What do I do? I don’t know I have anything to apologise for, I don’t have an intention of having a profess or otherwise relationship but I know I need to do more. How can I manage this better?

I totally get the immense challenge of this, Holly. Discernment is key here, but knowing that ‘you can only control what happens in you’ might mean that sharing your hurt with this person will potentially allow you to no longer have to stay on “higher ground” but exist without fear of having to work with them, bump into them, or see them at all. Freedom from that fear is totally possible, because you’re no longer avoiding a conversation as its already happened. Feel that out, Holly. Hoping good things for you!

I was opportune to manage a school immediately after College as much as I love people I think so far I am doing a not- so- good job in regards to my relationship with my staff. I think I am on two extremes; excessively friendly and excessively aggressive(not physically, but verbally) when I am being challenged. I have learnt one or two things from this article and I can’t wait to practice them once school is back in session.

Dale, your words of wisdom are healing to my soul a much needed word. The truths you remind me in the Bible paired with your insight is truly a gift from God.

I am struggling deeply with relationships in my life…whether I brought on the conflict or it found me somehow! 🙄 I have often found myself trying to reconcile past relationships only to find myself in another conflict. I guess my question is, when meeting to try to apologize or talk to end with a resolution, can you ever humbly say they are wrong? Or is just meet, confess what you did that was wrong, seek their forgiveness, and move on? TIA for your help.

Thanks for sharing, Lydia! It’s hard to say without knowing the situation well, for both options you’ve offered can be wise ones. But wisdom often needs context. Ask someone you do trust in their wisdom about these situations and I think you’ll find good direction!