Connectedness

Everybody is connected. Everything is connected. From the moment we are born we begin connecting with the world around us. We are connected to people. We become someone’s daughter, son, mother, father, grandparent, godparent, cousin, uncle, aunt. To someone we could be a friend, acquaintance, lover, crush, one-night-stand or enemy.

We begin connections to things within our daily life. We have somewhere we call home, prized possessions, the people we care about, the things we can’t bare and its these things that we begin making connections with others based on where we live, who we love, the music we listen to, the books we read, the places we go, the things we see and so on. There is no one way in which we connect with others. Everybody is unique and everyone we meet stays in our lives for different reasons, whether by choice or by relation.

Not all connections are permanent. There are times, more than one might wish, where these connections are broken. For whatever reason, death, heartache, dishonesty, change in perspective, change in personality, neglect, hatred. The list goes on. The point is that people can be easily disconnected as fast as they can be disconnected.

The reason for writing this is that I feel so disconnected from the world. Of course, I have connections, with family, friends, acquaintances and the like, but I no longer feel that I possess a deep connection with anyone around me. If something were to go terribly wrong in my life tomorrow, I don’t know if there is someone that I could call and talk to them.

There was a time in my life when I had friends that I could count on. Ones that I knew would drop everything to help me, listen to me and comfort me in times when I needed them. Some of those people are still in my life today. But something has changed. There seems to be a difference in the people that I once knew. I am seeing them in a different light than I used to. Maybe it’s the growing up thing that makes us grow apart. Maybe I’ve changed, I don’t know. But there is definitely a shift in the links.

The question is, what do I do now? Who can I turn to when I need someone? Sure, I know most people would think that family is the closest bond that people can have and that family are there for you no matter what. A year or two ago and I would probably agree with you. But that was until my father left one day and never came back (disconnection). From that day on there were stronger bonds between my mother and sister, but I was always seen and still am seen as the stronger one of us all. The one that resorts to anger and not tears, the one that comforts the others instead of falling apart. But the truth is, I am falling apart inside.

There are times when I get upset or frustrated and feel like I have no control over things in my life. I look at my sister and compared to me, she always wears her emotions on the surface, quick to spill to everyone at home how she is feeling and why. I look at her and see how others treat her in our house. Always there and trying to consult her on her problems and so on. When it comes to me and I’m having a hard time, I am shrugged off and told not to over react I’ve especially noticed when it has to do with my distaste in the fact that my sister is less inclined to help around the house and I feel like I’m in a scene of Cinderella, cleaning after everyone while others get treated better. Maybe I’m over reacting. I hope I am.

The thing is, I don’t want so much to be comforted. I don’t want or need someone to solve my problems. I just want to be heard. I want to be listened to and not dismissed. And when I am heard, I want it to be genuine and not half halfheartedly, where the person from whom is listening is looking for a window to start talking about them self. I want someone to ask me questions about how I feel. I want them to want to know the answers. I want them to express their concern. I want them to follow up and ask how I feel about it later once I’ve been able to process it more. I want someone to care, but more importantly, I want to feel that deep connection. I want to know that someone is thinking about me and wondering if I’m okay. Life is a series of connections, some deeper than others and I feel that all of mine barely scratch the surface. I want that someone to walk into my life that will be that connection that runs so deep that it is almost impossible to break. That connection where there is so much love, honesty, respect, care and grace that there is no fear of it ever being broken. I want, no need, to find that permanent connection with someone. I only hope I find her one day…