Monday, October 20, 2008

The topic was my gtalk status message and in about 15 minutes after I put this message I had a huge argument with a friend of mine.... He is a very dear friend and though we did not reach any conclusion per se, strong personalities that we are - we were stuck on our respective POVs. Pasting the snippet of the conversation and let you decide - which side are you on!!!

Sumit: there are always external factors to make us sad but knowing how to content oneself with small hapinesses is what most ppl are incapable of…. look at you and me

ppl die to be where we are, ppl die to be us….

Sharmili: no they dont

Sharmili: trust me..

Sumit: i know a lot of ppl wud die to go to iimb…. 1.5 lac ppl take the cat every year…. 10 times that number dream of going to the best engineering insitutes in the country

Sharmili: dude its high time we stop patting our backs for one stupid break which got us here

Sumit: im not at all pattting our backs…. not at all…. im telling you to appreciate that stupid break…. when we get stupid bad lucks we get sad then why dont you get happy with stupid breaks?

Sharmili: its been done with and gotten over with...

Sumit: yep! i knw all that

Sharmili: its like saying when u were 2, u rocked

Sumit: ive lived 3 yrs of life after iimb and i hardly call myself as an iim person anymore…. but thats not my point…. my point is not patting my back and resting on laurels…. my point is that you are being unfair…. you look at external factors and get sad but you dont look at the good factors and get happy and what you are is the same as what everyone else is

Sharmili: wht if there R NO current good factors

Sumit: cmon…. are you dying of hunger? did you have a rotten childhood? have you been lucky in love ever?

Sharmili: sumit, i am eternally glad i have had this life

Sumit: then learn to appreciate it and learn to be happy

Sharmili: thats not the point

Sumit: it IS the point

Sharmili: stop getting philosophical

Sumit: you are better off than 60% of the world population

Sumit: this was a philospohical question i thought… sorry if i misunderstood

Sumit: and being better off as compared to 70% or more than the world’s population is reason enough to not crib

Sharmili: u get happy by looking at ppl less fortunate… i get sad by lookin at 40% above me coz i feel that i am a good person and I dont deserve this

Sumit: no i don’t…. you dont get it do you? by looking at them I don’t get happy abt me…. i realize how lucky i have been… this is a response to the external factors that you talk about when you consider external factors then you should consider them fully…. consider all external factors - your family, your socioeconomic background etc.

Sumit: on any level matierialistic or unmaterialistic i find it unfair that someone like you shud be unhappy and i find that you dont appreciate what you have got

Sharmili: u r HUMAN… u cant be bubbly all the time… u cant be all chirpy all time… its forced and u would still want to do it for SOMEONE

Sumit: no you can be! it might be forced for you...but dont generalize...i know ppl who are not that way…. i live for myself and im v v happy

Sharmili: well good for u… i live for myself too and i DO GET bouts of sadness – external, self inflicted, concocted – I dunno

Sumit: i do have times when im down but i wudnt say im unhappy then and i wouldn’t say happiness is unreachable… im able to get out of them easily…. Being low is a state of mind- happiness is an attainment….

Sharmili: wht makes u think WHT U AS A PERSON do others will

Sumit: no im not saying that…. you passed a statement that happiness is unreachable…. i thought you were doing exactly the above… generalizing for the world what you feel and i disagreed so i pinged you

Sharmili: i dont get whr ill see this getting attained… yes i have happy times…. yes i have awesome ppl arnd me…. yes hajar ppl caare abt me… but rite now i think its unattainable...

Sumit: are you happy overall? forget the current low state…. i honestly think irrespective of whatever your current state is you shud have attained happiness

Sharmili: its not everlasting dude…. i havent said i never attained..

Sumit: it is not acceptable- knowing what all you have got that you are unhappy…. but i know your past and what you have possessed all along

Sharmili: past is passed... its a feel good factor for those who want to dwarf their current under achievements with past achievements

Saturday, October 11, 2008

I am writing after a hectic day and an even more hectic week. Ideally would have slept but just cant stop thinking.... Considering I do not have anyone to talk about this right now and that no one will have the bandwidth to hear the blabbering mind, I am relying on readers of this post (imaginary in case no one reads this) to just hear me out....

So, I effectively believe in and strongly implement in no expectations policy but then I just think I am deluding myself.... I mean a small thing like "Sharmili - you sing horribly (which is a fact btw)".... If it comes from a certain person, I will take it but when it comes from someone who I expect to appreciate (despite the harrowing time of listening to me), I would go at lengths to make them feel miserable about not being "nice" to me....

That's the deal with me, I would make a person feel miserable, and ya - this works only for those close to me - if they bug me.... I mean how ironical is this.... Would you actually trouble a person closest to you??? I can understand taking them for granted - yes, that does come with proximity with a person - but troubling them.... I wonder if anyone reacted in a similar fashion with me, would I be in a position to take it???

Even the smallest thing like talking to me on phone.... If say someone is talking to me on phone, I would expect UNDIVIDED attention and would actually get offended when s/he talks to anyone other than me.... But, then countless number of times the "hassled" me has hung up on people or fought with them for calling at a wrong time.... Suddenly the change of rules is OK!

I am a victim of "being the hub" of the relationship as well. What this means is that say there are 3 friends with me being one of them and others A and B.... So, friend A should tell me and I would then tell friend B. It cannot work if B comes and tells me something about A without A telling me... I get mad - as childish as this sounds.... IT DOES!!! But what is interesting is that if I were a spoke in say another relationship, I still would want the hub to tell me directly and not another spoke!! I am not sure if I am making sense?

But, in essence what I can tell you is that I am famous for making things complicated :(((

So, at this point you know what my natural reaction is? It is to wonder - if there is any good left in me - if there is ANY reason why people should still like me and consider me as a friend!!! Or how much more time will pass by before they just give up on me?? Some have, Some wont and some may be.... Its all about a PUSH!!! Which direction would that push be in, will be determined by how insecure I behave in a relationship!!!

Strange - you would think I would NOT know this and therefore react in a certain detrimental manner.... But, what do you tell a person who knows and THEN doesn't bother???