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SexyPrime's Older Woman/Younger Man Survey

July 23, 2010

“I do some investigating amongst my own social circle—most men and women confess that the first person to open them up sexually was more often than not, quite a bit older than them,”Lily La Tigresse.

The man who truly opened me up sexually was 21 years my senior.I remember his tongue flicking across my clit like a thousand butterflies raising me to euphoria.Years later, the next man to create a sexual shift inside me was 16 years my junior, only 23.I should have been the far wiser; I wasn’t really.I’ve had other wonderful lovers, but these two guided me into erotic epiphanies.

There is much to be said for coming together from different places.The 98 women who answered the SexyPrime Younger Man/Older Woman Survey certainly think so.They are, however, both more practical and less sentimental about their relationships with younger men than the men are.(See "The Boys Speak Up.")

“It’s always the boys who develop the inappropriate feelings of attachment,” one woman wrote.Yes.I’ve seen that up close and personal.

"[The Younger Woman/Older Man] is the ideal relationship…the essence of European civilization…” says Stephen Vizinczey, author of the 1966 erotic classic In Praise of Older women, re-issued by Penguin Modern Classics in the U.K.Yet he tells British interviewers that he is no fan of cougars and their cubs."No no, that's very different," he says dismissively.“These are not the women I was writing about. My book comes from a different civilisation."Alas, he finds shagging “disgusting.”

Vizinczey wrote in his autobiographical novel about intense young men and older, wiser sensual women in prose more passionate than explicit. Sex was never just about sex.Most of these 98 sexy ladies would laugh at that.

How the responses broke down--

75% of the women didn’t like the term “cougar” and 60% find “boy toy” or “cub” offensive.

“Cougar bothers me because it connotes an older woman going after a younger man.Ugh.”

“Cougar does not bother me, because it means SEXY older woman.”

Over half have had more than one involvement with a younger man—with age differences ranging from 5 to more than 25 and 7 to 12 years, the most commonly reported age gaps.

80% said the attraction was initially sexual with many adding “remains sexual” or is still “primarily sexual.”

50% said that the age difference does make the sex “different—while 50% said, Yes, it does.(I’ve never seen an even divide on a survey question before this one.)“Liberating being desired by a younger man, makes sex more intense.”

73% don’t think about the future.Some admitted they occasionally think about the day “he’ll take a good look at me in the morning light and wonder what he’s doing here.”—or “It will occur to him that he wants a child and it’s time to get serious about life.”

Half said that the lovers benefit equally.35% say they get the best of the arrangement, with only 15% believing the younger man is the winner.

Some of the comments:

“He is attentive and gives me the opportunity to be myself.I let my hair down.I love giving lap dances and being erotic.With an older man, I would feel shy or cheap.”

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“Sex ideally is about emotions and the body,but I don’t have ideal sex or gourmet meals every day.I didn’t get that with every bang in committed relationships, so why should I now? With boys, it is mostly about what the body, my body, wants.”

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“Ah, the young ones…..

I do have a young lover; he’s 31, a Senegalese immigrant, and I am 54.We are both doctors in London.People think I am with him because he must have a big penis.He is almost 2 m tall, and he is proportionate. I am with him because he makes me feel good, younger and beautiful again.He appreciates and desires me.As well, he respects me on the job.Men my age can’t pull all these things together at once.”

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Long, hot story from a 40 year old:

“I was out with friends at an over-30 bar and had a great time watching a group of early-20-something boys working on seducing a couple of 40-something blondes. It was very fun to watch, but as the night went on, the boys got drunker and stepped on their own dicks. The women left without them. I was walking to my car and passed them at a late-night hot dog stand. I stopped to ask them what went wrong, and one of the cutest ones started talking some serious shit to me. He was fun and witty and direct and the next thing I knew, we were in the parking lot making out. He called his friends to tell them to make it home without him, and then asked me for a ride to his apartment. In the moment, I loved the cockiness of that action and took him home, determined that I'd just drop him off and leave. Unfortunately, I had to pee and had to go into use the bathroom. As I stepped over pizza boxes and dirty laundry, I asked myself what the hell i was doing there, but then he kissed me and it was a surprisingly good kiss and we got pretty nasty that night. As I was getting ready to leave, he asked for my number. I just shook my head. He was so cute as his face showed surprise and disappointment! He said, "This is just going to be a one-time thing, then?" Yup. I never even told him my name, and that was fun, too. That was at least a 15-year age difference. At least.”

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And a cautionary note from a gorgeous Southern MLF who has so far resisted temptation:

“I still feel this little niggle in my brain like I'd be a pretty big bragging-rights notch on a young guy's bedpost. That suspicion keeps me from exploring the younger-guy option too much. I don't want to feel like a door prize.Plus, I'm afraid they might fall in love and it'll get messy. The last thing I need is a 23-year-old stage-five clinger calling, texting and Facebooking his angst to the world with my name on it.”

What about the question that led to the survey:Am I over boys?

I have a flirt going on with the man whose response to “Why do you want to be my cub?” stood out from all the others.(Full disclosure:We’ve had an email and phone flirtation going on for more than a year, since we “met” online through a mutual friend, the amazing sex educator and author, Tristan Taoromino.)He wants to rendezvous in Manhattan.

Will I or won’t I ask him, “Fancy a shag, darling?”

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

75% have been with more than one "older" woman--with age differences ranging from 5 to 25 years. The most common age differences cited fell between 7 and 12 years.

Men characterized these relationships as "sexy," "steamy," "romantic," "passionate," "lusty."

70% said they were or had been "in relationships" or "in love" with older women as opposed to "just sex."

73% said the initial attraction was "sexual" or "erotic".

65% said younger men benefit more from the relationships than women do.

Many wrote insightful, sometimes sexy and sometimes sweet commentary on the differences between older and younger women they have known, for example:

"Women over forty are relaxed about sex, they're good at it, and they don't have a baby-making agenda. I had my first affair with an older womn when I was 23 and she was 39. She taught me how to be a good lover. I wanted to marry her, but she wasn't interesting in another marriage," M, 36, currently involved with a 52 year old woman.

"Sex is more open and easy. You don't have to play guessing games like you do with younger women," J, 31.

"Older women tell you what they want. They show you what they want. Younger women expect you to go on an erotic expedition to find their orgasm for them," A, 29.

"Older women and younger men work because they are at the same point in their lives--passionate and eager to explore their passion," C, 33.

"I love being with women who are smart, accomplished, sexy, in charge of their lives--and the women I know like that are over forty. Many of them like a little domination in bed nd I love that too," K, 28.

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

Letters from men petitioning to be my "new cub" are an interesting and unexpected sub-category. This is very flattering. I'm glad I write about sex and posted a cleavage shot on Facebook. How else would they all find me?

One man wrote, "I hope you aren't serious when you say you may be over boys. You have so much to teach us."

Hmmmm.....but isn't that why i write books and blog?

From another: "Older women are interesting to me because they are more complex, more independent and aren't shy about telling a man how they like sex. The guessing games with girls are too damn much trouble."

I wrote back to some of them and asked:

Why do you want me? What do you want to do to me, for me, with me?

Here is my favorite (so far) response. (And nice photo, Baby.)

"I want you because I am attracted to you and your sexuality. Your softness. Your pictures. Your knowledge.

"I want to explore your body slowly, meticulously. I want to discover all your spots. Then I want to take my tongue and use it like a paintbrush and craft a masterpiece on your body. Then I want to take my penis and do a deep exploration of your body wherever it will fit.

"I want to make you smile."

Whew.

The weekend sex tip comes from a younger man who says he learned it from his older woman lover. Don't miss it.

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

June 18, 2010

Because I write about sex, younger men—sometimes Very Much Younger men—hit on me at least several times a week.(I don’t consider a man ten years my junior to be a “younger” man.The age gap has to be plus ten and counting.)Last year’s, and possibly the last, Boy Toy is writing a book on sleeping with cougars.

The on-line applicants for the currently vacant position of my cub have read but not met me.Their two primary approaches are:“Baby, I can make you scream like you’ve never screamed before.”—and, “I want to learn sex tricks from you.”The more crude among them send photos of their penises.Has any woman ever been turned on by the photo of an anonymous penis belonging to a guy who wants to exploit her erotic talents?

In person, the aspiring cubs have more original lines, like—

“I’m into older women.”

“I want to make you happy.”

“I am very attracted to you and age is just a number.”

“I want to make you come.”

“You have great legs.I wonder what it’s like to get between them.”

“I want to give you pleasure.”

“Do you need someone to help you test sex techniques?”

“I can make you happy.”

“I’m very oral.Very.Oral.”

Generally, they are attractive, sometimes Very Attractive, even sexy.But I just may be over boys—or maybe it’s simply that I don’t want to be any man-child’s sexpert score.

When you write about your life—or share parts of it as a deejay or talk show host or another public figure in the business of selling partial disclosure—you are known to varying degrees by people you do not know at all.They never consider that there might be more to you than the 1,000 word essay or 500 word blog post or even all the blog posts they’ve read—that you are, in fact that I am, a complex woman.Boys who want to bonk are rarely complex.Simplicity and directness of intent is both their charm and their limitation.

But what is your experience?I want to know.

7 Questions on Younger Men/Older Women

Please give me your gender, age, and geographical location.

1. How do you feel about the labels “cougar,” “cub” “boy toy?”

2. Have you been sexually involved with a younger man or older woman? And what was the age difference?

3. How would you characterize that relationship(s)?

4. Is the attraction—or was it initially—primarily sexual?

5. How is the sex different than sex with same age partners?

6. If you are in love with a younger man (or an older woman)—what is your greatest fear about the future?

7. Who gets the most out of it—the older woman or the younger man? And why do you say so?

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime