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Inner Peace

” The peace of God surpasses all understanding. God is in charge. Surrender to the peace of God within. Remember that lack of conflict or fear in my life in exchange for a new set of fear is not the peace I seek. Only God can truly comfort and soothe my soul.” -paraphrased by Daily Word 8/16/16

I turn 28 in a month. Wow. I also broke up with one of my longest standing relationships. Fear. It’s been a battle. He {fear} calls everyday- I panic- heart sinks and then the darkness of “I don’t know what to do” pours in. Today I said no to an extra shift and gave myself the space to reflect on how I was feeling during and after consumption–ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE. Gasy- bloated- disgusting. Anxious…. Gross Yuck and Done.

Waking up each day asking God what he has for me for the day has often turned into a groggy alarm slap and extra dose of drool on my pillow. I wake up, roll out of bed, dragging my feet to the bathroom with my eyes barely open and already feeling defeated. That sneak Ex, fear jumps into my lap and just like that, lord Voldemort, aka fear has hijacked my day.

I’ve talked to my therapist. My physician. Even some family friends–all who have offered sound advice. I’ve tried anti-anxiety meds (made it worse) and anti-depressants ( not for me!) and even worked out beyond measure to shake free from my toxic relationship with fear.

18 months later fear is still coming on strong. I’ve decided that the only way I’ll truly be able to end this relationship is to stop answering when he calls. To embrace the anxiety of fear’s presence and smile, and walk in the opposite direction.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Feel the heartache of the breakup with the chains of fear and walk away from the darkness anyway. I think I’ve held on to fear for so long, because in it’s own way- he’s been safe. Fear has kept me in my house, in a “secure” city, and stagnant in my desire to try new things.

Breaking up with fear is just one step of many for me to walk fully into the light of life. And just like any relationship- fear will pop up at the most inconvenient time–but it’s all gravy- I’ve managed to smile in the face of a bunch of piss poor relationships; I’ll add fear to the bunch! 😏