‘Game Of Thrones’ Recap: [SPOILER] Killed At The Royal Wedding

The April 13 episode of ‘Game Of Thrones’ — ‘The Lion And The Rose’ — centers around the royal wedding between Joffrey and Margaery. And we all know that it’s just not a Westerosi wedding without a death toll…

We don’t want to spoil it for you if you’re not ready for it, but somebody dies during “The Lion And The Rose”, the April 13 episode of Game Of Thrones. We know, we know — saying that somebody dies on Game of Thrones is like saying that the sun rises in the east; it’s just something we wake up in the morning knowing to be a fact of life. But trust — this one is a biggie. Read on for our full recap and find out who kicked the bucket this week! But SPOILERS are below, obviously!

“The Lion And The Rose” opens in the woods, where a girl is running, crying, frantic, from Ramsay Snow (Iwan Rheon) and his hounds. If she can make it out of the woods, she lives. Her crime? Miranda, one of Ramsay’s ladies, thought she was too pretty and became jealous. “Not so pretty now,” Miranda says, as the young girl is eaten alive by Ramsay’s hounds.

In King’s Landing, Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) and Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) are having lunch together when Jaime spills his wine with his gold hand. Tyrion clearly sees his once god-like brother as a kindred spirit of sorts, also spilling his wine on the table and declaring that “it’s only wine.”

‘Game Of Thrones’ Recap: The Dreadfort, Bolton Family Values, And Reek

Over in the Dreadfort, Roose Bolton (Michael McElhatton), Ramsay’s father, is asking after Theon (Alfie Allen). “What did you do to him?” “I trained him. He was a slow learner, but he learned.” “You flayed him.” “Removed a few bits, removed a few others.” That’s one way to put it. If you’ll recall, Ramsay took Theon’s… downstairs implement.

Roose is not particularly thrilled about Ramsay flaying Balon Greyjoy’s son and heir, but Ramsay insists that the Bolton house has been flaying men alive for years — that their house banner proudly displays a flayed man. Roose is like, um, yeah, Boltons have been flaying men alive for thousands of years, and you’re my bastard — a Snow.

Ramsay wanted to trade Theon for access to the North, which Tywin Lannister (Charles Dance) has given Ramsay but will not help him take. The Ironborn currently hold Moat Cailin, blocking access to the North, and now that Theon is not whole, he’s not a worthy trade.

In an interesting moment, Ramsay then has Reek shave him. Reek is so far removed from Theon Greyjoy that he can hold a straight razor to his master’s neck without even seeming as if he is considering plunging it into his carotid.

Ramsay has Reek reveal what we knew all along, that Bran (Isaac Hempstead-Wright) and Rickon Stark (Art Parkinson) are not dead — that they found two boys to play them in their deaths.

The only show of emotion on Reek’s face — because he is certainly Reek, and not Theon — is when Ramsay announces that Robb Stark is dead — which Reek did not know until then. “How do you feel about that?” Ramsay asks. Reek pauses with his blade on Ramsay’s neck, and simply continues to shave him.

Roose tells his bastard son that if he wants to prove himself, he can try and take Moat Cailin for the Boltons — then Roose will consider Ramsay’s position within House Bolton.

In King’s Landing, Lord Varys (Conleth Hill) is warning Tyrion that Sansa’s maid spotted Shae (Sibel Kekilli) leaving his quarters and that she has told Cersei (Lena Headey), and that it’s only a matter of time before Tywin finds out.

Later, Joffrey (Jack Gleeson) is receiving gifts for his upcoming wedding to Margaery Tyrell (Natalie Dormer). Cersei snitches on Shea and Tyrion to her father. Tywin requests, creepily, that Shae be brought to the Tower of the Hand before the wedding.

Joffrey is pretending to be a normal person — it’s quite jarring. Tyrion gifts his nephew with “The Lives of Four Kings”, a book that “every king should read” about the four great Targaryen kings of Westeros. “Now that the war is done, we should all find time for wisdom. Thank you, Uncle.” Sansa (Sophie Turner) and Tyrion are equally surprised, in their quiet way, that Joffrey was able to put those words together.

Next, Tywin gives his grandson a sword of Valyrian steel — the smaller twin to Jamie’s. Joffrey uses it almost immediately to slash up Tyrion’s book. Well, then. “Every time I use it, it will be like cutting off Ned stark’s head all over again.” Oh, Sansa.

In Tyrion’s chambers, Shae enters. Tyrion is trying to break up with Shae on the pretense of needing to be faithful to his wife, Sansa . She correctly deduces that he’s just scared of what Tywin will do, but he’s offering a pretty sweet deal: a ride to Pentos, where she’ll have a house and servants. She’s not having any of it, and in a heartbreaking scene, he tells her that she’s just a whore not fit to bear his children and that he cannot be with her, and how many men has she been with? “500? 5000?”

At Dragonstone, Melisandre (Carice van Houten) is sacrificing Lord Florent, Stannis’ (Stephen Dillane) brother-in-law, by fire. Ser Davos (Liam Cunningham) questions Stannis’ wisdom in letting her do that — but he insists that Lord Florent was an infidel and he urged him to cast away the old gods and he refused.

During an incredibly awkward dinner, Selyse (Tara Fitzgerald) is trying to earn her husband’s favor, regaling Melisandre of times when Stannis was brave and resourceful and took care of her during a siege on Dragonstone. Now, Stannis barely looks at his wife.

Princess Shireen (Kerry Ingram), according to Selyse, is stubborn and sinful; she wants Melisandre to speak to her.

Melisandre asks Shireen if she attended the sacrfice — Shireen says no, but that she certainly heard his screams. Melisandre gives her the usual spiel, that he’s happier for being sacrificed, that there are only two gods, “A god of light and love and joy, and a god of darkness, evil and fear, eternally at war,” and that “there is only one hell, princess. The one we live in now,” etc. etc., general crazy talk. Shireen is unimpressed.

‘Game Of Thrones’ Recap: Bran — Remember Bran?

In the point of view of his direwolf Summer, Bran takes down a deer in his skinchanger/warg state. Bran is unhappy about leaving it, but Jojen (Thomas Sangster) and Meera Reed (Ellie Kendrick)urge him not to get too comfortable doing that; that if they lose him, they lose Winterfell, they lose everything.

There’s a lone tree in the wintry forest in which we can see a face. Bran touches it and his eyes turn white; we can see flashes of things that the tree has seen, of things that have happened in Bran’s past. “Look for me beneath the tree. North. North,” a voice intones. Spooky.

‘Game Of Thrones’ Recap: A Royal Wedding In King’s Landing

Wedding time! Margaery weds her second King.

“We have a new Queen,” Sansa says. “Better her than you,” Tyrion replies. Tell us about it.

In a sweet moment, Olenna offers Sansa her condolences for what went on at the Red Wedding. “War is war, but killing a man at a wedding? Horrid. What sort of monster would do such a thing?” Yes, what kind? She offers to bring Sansa to Highgarden for a visit, and hope shines in Sansa’s eyes like we’ve never seen it.

Hilariously, Loras (Finn Jones) spots Prince Oberyn (Pedro Pascal) from across the way and Oberyn gives him a suggestive look and Loras basically gives him a tip of the hat.

Jaime appears out of nowhere to ask Loras whether he is just so looking forward to his upcoming wedding to Cersei and Loras is like, yeah! Totally! Love girls. “If you were to marry Cersei, she’d murder you in your sleep. If you manage to put a child in her, she’ll murder it before it takes its first breath. You’ll never marry [Cersei].” “And neither will you,” Loras sasses, before walking away. Oooh! Can we get Jaime some ice for that burn?!

‘Game Of Thrones’ Recap: The Lannisters Are Sassy But Not For Long

Cersei and Oberyn have a sass-off. He tells her that it must be such a relief to be free from the crown now that Margaery holds it; she tells him that she wouldn’t know, being as how he has never worn one due to his older brother being the King in Dorne.

Then, Joffrey announces the entrance of a group of little people playing at The War of Five Kings. Tyrion is humiliated, and the non-Lannisters at the head table are all thoroughly disgusted by the show in front of them.

As the performer who represented Robb Stark gets his wolf head cut off, Sansa’s face is blank but you can see in her eyes that she is utterly distraught. Joffrey congratulates his performers and then, chillingly, says that he is sure that there are other people who would challenge his reign. Perhaps his uncle Tyrion? Joffrey invites his Uncle to join the performers, and Tyrion takes it well, says that one taste of battle was enough for him and that he would prefer to keep what remains of his face.

Tyrion continues, “I think you should fight him. This was but a poor imitation of your own bravery on the field of battle. I speak as a firsthand witness.” Joffrey, of course, did not even near the Battle of the Blackwater that sent Stannis retreating.

Joffrey’s comeback is to pour wine over Tyrion’s head. Margaery, a genius, tries to break this all up and calls for her husband to come back to her as it’s time for her father’s toast. Joffrey points out that his cup is empty and names Tyrion as his new cupbearer. Joffrey tells Tyrion to kneel before his king.

‘Game Of Thrones’ Recap: Ding, Dong, The King Is Dead

Tyrion tries to sneak away when the pie arrives but Joffrey is having none of it, telling him his uncle that he needs wine to go with the pie.

Suddenly, Joffrey is choking. He’s been poisoned. (Yay!)

Ser Dontos (Tony Way) arrives by Sansa’s side. “Come with me now. If you want to live, we have to leave.”

As Joffrey draws his last breath, he points the finger in blame to his uncle, alone at the head table and peering into the cup that killed him.

“He did this. He poisoned my son, your King. Take him. Take him! Take him! Take him!” Cersei cries.

Wow, what an episode. What did you think, HollywoodLifers? Most satisfying death in TV history? But who killed him? There’s certainly a line of people interested in the job. Let us know!