For the TEXANS---INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER:
&gt;
&gt; Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
&gt; Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
&gt; judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
&gt; moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
&gt; directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the
&gt; other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
&gt; spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
&gt; tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:
&gt; __________________________________________________________
&gt;
&gt; CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI:
&gt;
&gt; JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
&gt; JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
&gt; FRANK: Holy [censored], what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
&gt; paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
&gt; that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
&gt; __________________________________________________________
&gt;
&gt; CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI:
&gt;
&gt; JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
&gt; JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
&gt; FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I'm
&gt; supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
&gt; give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
&gt; the look on my face.
&gt; __________________________________________________________
&gt;
&gt; CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI:
&gt;
&gt; JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
&gt; JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
&gt; FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
&gt; have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
&gt; beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
&gt; in the front part of my chest. I'm getting [censored]-faced from all the beer.
&gt; ______________________________________________________
&gt;
&gt; CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC:
&gt;
&gt; JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
&gt; JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
&gt; other mild foods, not much of a chili.
&gt; FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
&gt; it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
&gt; behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb cow is starting to look HOT just
&gt; like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
&gt; _______________________________________________________
&gt;
&gt; CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER:
&gt;
&gt; JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
&gt; considerable kick. Very Impressive.
&gt; JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
&gt; the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
&gt; FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring my forehead and I can no
&gt; longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
&gt; paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
&gt; had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
&gt; beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
&gt; It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
&gt; Screw those red necks!
&gt; ________________________________________________________
&gt;
&gt; CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY:
&gt;
&gt; JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
&gt; and peppers.
&gt; JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
&gt; Superb.
&gt; FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
&gt; flames. I [censored] myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through
&gt; the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't
&gt; feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
&gt; ____________________________________________
&gt;
&gt; CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI:
&gt;
&gt; JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
&gt; JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
&gt; peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
&gt; Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
&gt; uncontrollably.
&gt; FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
&gt; feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
&gt; it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
&gt; unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like [censored] to match my
&gt; damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
&gt; decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
&gt; oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
&gt; in my stomach.

Useful Searches

>
About Us>
>
In May of 1999 CK5 started out as a tribute to America's favorite 4x4 utility truck. Since then it has grown to be
a leader among full size Chevrolet K5 Blazer and GMC Jimmy web sites across the Internet. CK5 has since expanded
to include the C/K series GM Truck and Suburban as well as past and present GM models.
>>
With its technical articles, factory specifications, photo gallery, classifieds, active message forum, product
reviews and original automotive content it's an unbeatable source.