Breathing

Posted on
9/22/2017
by
Stacy Mal

Sometimes It All Gets A Little Too Much.

The memories that have been popping up
for me in Facebook are surreal. It was this week, one year ago, that Eva was in
the hospital and diagnosed with Lyme disease. Shortly after that, we discovered
Abby had it too, and we began to home school them.

I still kept working my regular marketing
job, while running a side health business. Managing all that while caring for (and
homeschooling) two kids with chronic illness was, well, interesting. Some days
I felt my other two kids and my husband got the raw end of the deal when they
came home from school and work. They got what was left of me, which was much like
"fridge leftovers," not always very appealing.

Some days I couldn't wait for those 5
minutes in the car... when I had just dropped off one kid at an activity,
before I picked the next kid up (it was my ONLY alone time, ever).

I would turn on the song by Shawn Mendez,
"It All Gets A Little Too Much." I would turn it up as loud as it
could go. I would sing as loud as I could sing. I would bang my hand on the
steering wheel. And I would cry. In those few moments driving, by myself, I
would let loose and let go, to a song that I swear was written just for me (and
maybe every other mom on the planet). I would sing with every ounce of myself
the lyrics that somehow seemed to read my soul.

"She would not show that she was
afraid,

But being and feeling alone was too much
to face,

Though everyone said that she was so
strong,

What they didn't know is that she could
barely carry on,

But she knew that she would be okay,

So she didn't let it get in her way,

Sometimes it all gets a little too much,

But you gotta realize that soon the fog
will clear up,

And you don't have to be afraid, because
we're all the same,

And we know that sometimes it all gets a
little too much,

She would always tell herself she could
do this

She would use no help it would be just
fine

But when it got hard she would lose her
focus

So take my hand and we'll be alright....."

In my minivan, I would sing, and I would cry.
I would dig down deep and find the strength to keep going before I picked up
the next kid. And it would work. At least for a little while.

Abby and Eva made enormous strides in
terms of their health this past year, and they have just about conquered Lyme
disease. They did amazing homeschooling last year too. I loved every minute
homeschooling them and watching them progress, physically, academically and
emotionally.

But it came at a very high cost to me.

And as soon as we started again this year,
I began feeling it. The lack of sleep, the anxiety, the perpetual lump in your
throat signifying that at any moment tears could fall. My body began
questioning whether I could do this for another year. My mommy heart assured me
that I could, that I MUST. And a battle took place inside me.

Then it happened. My husband looked at me
-- with only a look that he could give -- a look of kindness, and compassion, a
look of love. And he said, "You can't do this."

There it was. The dreaded words that I
would never (EVER) tell myself, words I always thought meant failure and defeat
and weakness. But, somehow, those words coming from HIM (in love) did not mean
any of those things. When HE said 'I could not do this,' it did not mean that I
had failed. It did not mean that he was condemning me. It did not mean that I
had let our kids down, or that he thought I was weak.

It meant that he loved me.

He loved me enough to tell me something
he knew I didn't want to hear. THAT, my friends, is a true partner. It's true
love. Somehow he was able to tell me something that I could never tell myself...
and what's more miraculous, I was actually able to hear him. Somehow his words didn't
hurt like I always thought they would. Instead, in a weird sort of way, they
freed me from unattainable perfection. For the first time in a long time, I
felt like I could breathe. Somehow in my brokenness, he gave me the power to
rebuild.

The reality was that our kids are strong
enough to go back to school. They are healthy enough to handle it. They are not
behind academically either. In fact, the only thing that was holding them back
was my fear that they couldn't continue to make progress without me. (Ugh, how
humbling.) We needed to home school them last year through Lyme disease. There
was no question about it. And God gave us the grace to get through that. But
the "need" wasn't there anymore. And neither was the grace.

And so, this week, exactly one year later,
we decided to send Abby and Eva back to school. Yes, this is just a few short weeks
after I posted pictures of them and our home school classroom... all ready for
another year. (Like I said, this is soooo humbling.)

I actually considered not posting about
this out of embarrassment. But I have
always tried to be as transparent as possible on this blog (hence this picture
of me with zero make up, dirty hair and pony tail). What you see is what you
get. My life is not filtered (or censored). And so, I felt like I absolutely
HAD to write about this. So... here it is. This is me admitting to you all that
I don't have it figured out. I'm not perfect. I can't handle everything. I need
help. And right now, I need the help of teachers.

This is something I want every mom to
know. Whether you work, or don't work. Whether you home school or send your
kids to school. Whether you're married or divorced. Here's what I want you to
know: It's ok to NOT be perfect. It's ok to NOT be able to do it all. It's ok to
ask for help, to get overwhelmed, to live unfiltered.

You don't need to "keep up"
with other moms, because the truth is, they aren't keeping up either. Parenthood
is hard. Really, REALLY hard. I didn't want to post about this because I was
embarrassed that I couldn't handle homeschooling anymore. But why? Why was I embarrassed?
Nowhere in the "mom handbook" does it say we have to do it ALL, or
that there is only ONE "right" way to parent.

The truth is: the only "right
way" to parent is to love your kids enough to be honest with yourself
about your limitations so you can give them the best version of yourself,
however it is that we can accomplish that. And to not compare ourselves with
other parents, to not set the bar so high that we set ourselves up for failure.
The only "right way" to parent is to be open to God's will and His
grace, and to follow where He leads (regardless if it is not what you
envisioned, even if it is down a very humbling way).

I will admit: this is not what I originally
had hoped for. This is not at all what I planned. This is not what I had worked
so sooooo hard for. But it is what is best. My kids going back to school does
not mean that I failed them, and it does not mean that I am weak. It means I
love them enough to swallow my pride and ask for help because it's what is best
for them and our family.

And God is so good that He has provided
an opportunity for them to attend an AMAZING Catholic school. They have been
welcomed so warmly there that it has brought me to tears SEVERAL different times
this week. From teachers, staff, and other parents... who smile and go out of
their way to make you feel at home.

My gosh. It is as if a weight has fallen
from my heart and those self-inflicted chains have been broken. Finally, my
heart is at ease... for the first time in a very long time. It's quite a
feeling. To know my children are ok. That they are better than ok. All because
of my husband loves me and we have the support of wonderful community.

Ironically, as I was writing this, that
Shawn Mendez song began to play on my playlist, and I admit I started to cry
again. But for totally different reasons. The second verse means so much more
to me now that the fog is beginning to lift..

Sometimes it all gets a little too much,

But you gotta realize that soon the fog
will clear up,

And you don't have to be afraid, because
we're all the same,

And we know that sometimes it all gets a
little too much,

I pray that any mom reading this (who
feels like "it all gets a little too much") I pray that, while
reading this, she knows "you don't have to be afraid, because we're all
the same."

I have written this for you, friend. Hang
on just a bit longer. "Soon the fog will clear up." May the Lord God
bless you with peace and joy.