Thursday

A Stronger, Better Version of Me… But She Doesn’t Exist.

Aight, y’all… it’s Thursday night and I have an early morning tomorrow, but I wanted to write something for you. Especially because I tried to write something earlier at work, but I got distracted.

I’m going to tell you something really personal… possibly in a few parts so this doesn’t get too lengthy. But basically, I space out a lot. A LOT. It’s escapism in its truest form.

Dear God… please don’t judge me for this… or maybe some of you out there do something similar and I have nothing to worry about. If that’s the case, please drop a comment. Or D.M. me or tweet me so I know I’m not too fuckin’ weird.

Ok… so, when I’m in my head, watching movies, listening to music, I’m imagining a woman that I wish I was.

It’s hard to explain, so I hope what I’m saying makes sense. The woman that I wish I was is composed of several people, and she changes all the time. Right now, she’s a mix between Wonder Woman, Lady Gaga, Daenerys Targaryen (mainly for the hair), and lastly, myself. Like, she’s always biracial (like me), but she’s got qualities of all these women (fictional and non-fictional alike).

Oh, and she’s got Olivia Pope’s strategic wit, so I’ve named her Olivia (for now. Her name always changes).

This version of myself is strong, beautiful, moral, fierce, intelligent, talented, sensual, and virtuous, all at the same time. People can’t get her off their minds, can’t take their eyes off of her… or at least they wouldn’t if she existed.

But she doesn’t. All you get is me.

I’ve always speculated about what this means, because it’s not that I think I’m a boring eyesore with no talent or anything.

Maybe it simply comes from a sad little girl who’s turned into a closeted attention whore. Except I “can’t get” the attention that I want from the real world, so I make up my own world and give myself the attention.

Edit: As I’m typing this all out, I’d like to add that this is probably a way to control what kind of attention I get, too. I get all of the attention I want, none of the attention I don’t want. Not saying it’s a good thing, it’s just what I do.

The thing that makes me sad, though, is that it’s totally unrealistic. Why should any woman feel bad that they can’t be like that?

And yet, there are about 7 billion people on this earth, over half of them are probably women (although I’m sure men feel these inadequacies, too), so I can’t be the only person who does this, right?

I don’t know… couldn’t tell you precisely when this started. All I know is it was waaaaaaayyy back when I started having romantic interests. I didn’t feel as pretty or brave as I thought the other girls were.

So I put Olivia (she’s had different names, different appearances, depending on who I wished I was at the time) into movies with characters I liked. So I could feel strong, smart, and beautiful on my own terms.

Anyway, that’s pretty much all I’ve got for tonight. My eyes are starting to roll back and my pencil is getting dull.

Friday

Being Broke (#FirstWorldProblems)

I’m trying not to harbor any resentments, because I know a huge part of the responsibility is my own. I live with my parents, I work part-time, and I know I’m not good with saving money.

On the other hand, some days I feel like I bust my ass for very little ROI. I go to work, I come home, I pay what few expenses I have, leaving me about $100 to get through the rest of each month.

I don’t want to share too much about where I work because I’d really like to keep my day job(s) separate from what I do on here. But if I could share more, you’d understand why this is frustrating.

At 24, I feel stuck, stifled. No way up, no way out, except for this blog and singing. Which I love, btw. I know I need money to live, but if I didn’t, I’d do this all day everyday without a care if I ever got paid or not.

Saturday

First Day of September!

I am TOO stoked to spend Labor Day Weekend in Ocean City with the fam, soaking up the last bits of summer vibes before settling in for my favorite season of the year: Fall!

Who else loves Fall? Drop me a comment!

First Day of September! (Cont’d)

Ok… part 2 of this entry because I got distracted, per usual. It’s actually 5:30 a.m. on Sunday, but I haven’t gone to sleep yet, so it still counts.

Anyway, I don’t want this to become one of those posts where I air all my grievances, but hey, I guess it’s part of the package.

Something struck one of my many nerves today. As you may know, I follow a lot of Meghan Markle posts on IG. And as a mixed chick, it hits home (not in a good way) when someone claims she’s “trying to look white”.

Grrr… I almost wish she was still allowed to have social media so she could see this, or talk about it on her blog. (If you ever followed her blog, The Tig, lemme know if she ever mentioned it).

But seriously, it’s infuriating. Or at the very least, annoying as cuss.

We would all do well to remember that mixed people are MIXED… sometimes we look more like one race, other times we look like the other.

I, for one, was born with pale skin and thick, straight hair. Then my skin tanned and my hair kinked up and other than being lighter in the winter, I “look black” (as someone so eloquently stated to me on Instagram).

Meghan Markle happens to be a mixed woman with freckles who wears her hair straight. She ain’t hiding it… she brings her mom, a black woman with dreads who teaches yoga, everywhere, and a black pastor gave a sermon at her wedding… about slavery.

Also, keep in mind that she moved from sunny California to mostly-cloudy England (I can personally attest that there is a MASSIVE difference). She’s not “trying” to be white, she literally IS white right now because her skin isn’t getting the sun it’s used to getting.

Anyway, I could go on and on about this. People aren’t always going to fit into the boxes you create for them in your head. Get over it and live your life.

Sunday

Beach Time and Karaoke

Pretty fun day today! It was Dad’s birthday, so we hung out on the beach for a while before finishing the night with some Karaoke at The Sandbar (Dad’s favorite place to come every year).

Lemme tell you a bit about this place. It opens around 8 p.m., and the emcee is funny AF.

He does this thing each night where he asks, “Any karaoke virgins out here tonight?”. He then picks from one of the many drunk chicks that raise their hands and proceeds to start singing Summer Fun from Grease.

Doesn’t take long for the audience to get hip to the joke.The emcee starts making up the words, replacing them with phrases like, “Summer fun, she was suckin’ my gun”… yeah, you get it lol.

Overall, BOMB-ass day with more excitement than I think I’ve had in months.

Tuesday

Well, THAT Escalated Quickly…

FML.. I opened an IG message from a blogger friend to find out that my hosting account had been suspended!

At first I was afraid someone might have reported me to some authority for foul language or something. But it turns out my payment info was expired.

Easy enough to fix, right?

Except for the fact that a 12 month renewal costs over $140… more than I had in my bank account at the time.

*gulp*

Well, my website is back up and running and my checking account is in tatters, so now I’m gonna try to enjoy what’s left of my last day in Ocean City. Trying to banish all thoughts of the impending overdraft fees.

Like I said, FML.

On a More Productive Note…

I’d really like to figure out how to make a little money on Instagram.

Mainly because a little extra money each month, even just $100-$500, could really make a difference for me.

At the moment I work part-time hours, and I really like my job, but I need to supplement that income.

But the other thing is, I just really enjoy building my following and engagement on social media. It’s fucking fun.

Now, I still have a lot to learn and I definitely went nuts with the hashtags for a while- fuck, Instagram, PLEASE don’t shadowban me- but hoping it hasn’t done too much damage.

But yeah. I love social media, writing, and singing. Why not try to make a living off of these things?

I Am What I Am

So I’m a little bit of a mess, and probably a little weird.

But you know what? Maybe that’s ok.

I am what I am; I’m not a bad person. And as my therapist told me today (which I’ll talk more about in next week’s post), I’ve made some pretty awesome progress since earlier this year and the same time last year.

So don’t worry… I’ll keep doing what I’m doing. And if you keep coming back, that’d be awesome <3.

Thank you, and see you next week!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

List of International Suicide Hotlines (courtesy of the International Bipolar Foundation)– Please, please, PLEASE do NOT hesitate to find your hotline and call if you think you need it. You are NOT alone <3 .

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3 thoughts on “Coming To Terms With Who I Really Am”

“Always be a first rate version of yourself and not a second rate version of someone else.”
– Judy Garland

You are enough. Right here. Right now.

You have the right to want to feel like somebody special, because you already are somebody special!

Your analysis is so deep, I can tell you’re searching for something. I think you’ve already found it, you just don’t know it yet. I think you already have everything you need, right there inside of you, my love. 💜