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} Physics, humble supplicant, physics. In particular, the first law of} thermodynamics. As you know, this law states that the amount of} entropy in the universe is always increasing. Well, a buggy program} has quite a bit of entropy, but a clean, tight, program with well} documented code and good structure has very little.}} This lead to a conundrum back in the early days of computing: what to} do with the excess entropy purged from a program during debugging?} During the 60's and 70's this was not much of a problem, because} computers were so large and programs so small that the excess entropy} could just be sent down the power supply to the electric company, and} they dealt with it, thinking it was simply another energy spike caused} by running such a monstrous machine.}} However, at the end of the '70s, the electric companies caught on, and} Bill the Cat (whom you might recall from his Doonesbury-sponsored} presidential bid), working in GE's lab a the time came up with what he} called an "Aack! Thip." For simplicity, GE patented it under the title} Bill gate. The Bill gate is placed in a customer's control box, and} prevents any entropy from being sent back to the electric company.}} Now the programmers had a problem. They had to put their high entropy} code (which was rapidly increasing in volume) somewhere where it would} not get back into their debugged programs. So a group of them got} together, rented some office space in Seattle with a high capacity} internet connection, and installed several thousand Bill Gates on it,} so that entropy could go in, but it could no get back out.}} This worked like a charm for a couple of years, until the office space} they had rented hit capacity, and sprung a leak into the operating} system of IBM's newly released PC. The rest is history.}} So now you know why Microsoft programs suck so bad. They are sucking} capacity from your computer to hold all that spare entropy. This is} also why Microsoft market share is constantly increasing despite the} overall suckiness of the programs: entropy must always increase. If it} were not for Moore's Law, it would have long ago overwhelmed all} computers in existence.}} You owe the Oracle a three page essay on the eventual Microsoft death} of the universe, explaining what is to be done about it.

} 101 ways to get the girl who lives in the dorm across from yours to go} out with you}} 1. Wave a flag out your window that says "Will you go out with me?"} 2. Write love poetry, fold it into paper airplanes and throw them at} her window.} 3. "The Oracle said you'd go out with me, and he's omniscient, so I'll} pick you up at 8."} 4. Kidnap her dog and keep it until she agrees on a date.} 5. Leave flowers outside her door every morning (preferably something} without thorns).} 6. Get her roommate to whisper messages in her ear when she's asleep.} ("You want to go out with that guy...")} 7. "I just happen to have an extra plane ticket to Paris, are you free} this evening?"} 8. Promise to do her Calculus homework if she goes out with you.} 9. Call her up and claim to be Tom Cruise.} 10. Call her up and claim to be Brad Pitt.} 11. Call her up and claim to be Bill Gates (OK, forget that one).} 12. (In a bland, CIA agent voice) "You could turn me down, but then I'd} have to kill you."} 13. Get a lot of fireworks, spell out her name and "Will you go out} with me?" in them during her Observational Astronomy class.} 14. Every time she looks out her window, wave at her.} 15. "Wanna share a can of Jolt at 4 in the morning?"} 16. Hypnotize her. Claim it's for a psychology experiment.} 17. Kidnap her. Claim it's for a sorority initiation.} 18. Bribe her. Claim it's for an economics project.} 19. "I'm an advance scout for the Miss America contest, and you caught} my eye..."} 20. Pretend to be sensitive and caring. Bring a bottle of fake tears} if you have to.} 21. Smile a lot.} 22. Have somebody big and burly accost her. Scare him off. (Make sure} she isn't a black belt or something before trying this.)} 23. Stand underneath her balcony and recite scenes from Shakespeare.} (Not "Get thee to a nunnery", though.)} 24. Drop love notes in her pasta at mealtimes.} 25. Hang out in places she likes to be (except for the women's} bathroom.)} 26. Ask her out in Klingon. Women love those harsh, gutteral sounds.} 27. Put a disk full of romantic poetry in her mailbox.} 28. "I understand you've only seen Titanic twelve times. Want to go} again? With me?"} 29. Join all of the groups that she's in.} 30. Register for all of the classes that she's in.} 31. Camp out in the hall outside her room.} 32. Tell her that you may have already won ten million dollars.} 33. Put cookies in her mailbox (make sure she checks her mail more} often than once a month before trying this.)} 34. Phew...1/3 of the way done.} 35. Ask her "Will you go out with me?" in as many different languages} as you can.} 36. "Veux-tu sortir avec moi?} 37. "Willst du ausgehen mit mir?"} 38. "Tli hochesh vstretitcya co mnoi?"} 39. Usted desea salir con mM-m?} 40. "I have a big ZOT staff."} 41. "Studies have shown that people who date me have a 35% higher} chance of getting into a good grad school than people who don't."} 42. Leave a little stuffed animal and a note that says "Please go out} with me!" in her mailbox.} 43. Tell her you meant that she should date YOU, not the stuffed} animal.} 44. "Please please please please PLEASE?"} 45. "You know, the Surgeon General has determined that not dating me} can be Hazardous To Your Health."} 46. Invite her to something she can't turn down without looking bad,} like the meeting of the Coalition to Prevent Small Fuzzy Animals From} Getting Their Heads Bashed In With Heavy Clubs.} 47. If she says that she wouldn't date you unless you were the last guy} on earth, kill every other guy on earth.} 48. Start a newsletter about her. Hand-deliver a copy to her every} day.} 49. "How about having breakfast together? Should I call you or nudge} you?} 50. Okay, that last one was a little old.} 51. But how many people are reading this far anyway?} 52. Train her dog to bark wildly and lead her to you.} 53. Mix up some pheremones in a chemistry lab.} 54. Learn some Julio Inglesias songs.} 55. Tell her that her parents wouldn't approve of you.} 56. Dress like Mulder. He has a lot of female fans.} 57. Get a TV studio and broadcast yourself onto her TV.} 58. "Want to play Network Marathon with me? I have the new level,} Total Bloodbath!"} 59. Learn to dance like Fred Astaire. Win a local dance competition.} Ask her to a dance.} 60. Jump naked out of a cake on her birthday.} 61. Hack into the school's computer. Offer to raise her grades if} she'll go out with you.} 62. Play hard to get.} 63. Date her best friend and make her jealous.} 64. Dress up like a baby. Sit in a basket outside her door one} morning, cooing and "ga"ing.} 65. Bribe the guy who writes the horoscopes for the local paper to} write "You will date that guy who lives in the dorm across from yours"} in her horoscope.} 66. Send her quicktime movies of yourself being sweet and romantic.} 67. Follow her around.} 68. "If you go out with me, you will save the world from everything} evil!"} 69. Heh heh heh.} 70. Fall in a vat of toxic waste and become a superhero.} 71. Sign a big recording contract.} 72. Become quarterback of the football team.} 73. Call her every five minutes.} 74. Leave lots of messages on her answering machine.} 75. Make sure you have ways of finding out unlisted telephone numbers.} 76. Give her a card with a "Hallmark" logo on the back.} 77. "For a limited time only, anyone who goes out with me can get this} set of Ginsu knives for only $19.95!"} 78. Do a Tarot reading on her. Stack the deck ahead of time so that} the only card that comes up is "The Lovers."} 79. Never mind that the Tarot card "The Lovers" really isn't about} love.} 80. Put a full-page ad in the school newspaper.} 81. "I have a beta of Rhapsody...I'll show it to you if you'll go out} with me."} 82. Use Jedi mind tricks.} 83. "Hi, my name's Alladin. Wanna go back to my place and rub my lamp?} It'll grant your wishes..."} 84. Become Leader of the Free World.} 85. Give her a set of kneepads.} 86. Dress up like her roommate and tell her lots of good things about} yourself.} 87. Don't bother, you're too good for her. That girl two doors down the} hall from you can love you for more than just your body.} 88. Find sexual innuendoes in every sentence she says. She'll love} that.} 89. Show her this list.} 90. Buy ad time during the last episode of "Seinfeld." ($2 million for} 30 seconds.) Use it to express your undying love for her.} 91. Sign her up for the "Citrus Fruit of the Month Club." (Real club!} I'm not making it up!)} 92. Fill out a bunch of those "Bill me later" subscription cards in her} her name. She'll love getting all that mail.} 93. Use Photoshop to fake a nude picture of her. Use it to blackmail} into going out with you.} 94. Grovel.} 95. Gravel.} 96. Make puppy-dog eyes at her.} 97. "Really? The English Patient is my favorite movie too!"} 98. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." (Test answers, of} course.)} 99. Come up with something witty and charming that isn't on this list.} 100. (Deep breath)} 101. Just ask her out, for crying out loud!}} You owe the Oracle the ultimate pickup line.

> Why cannot I be immortal ?> I know that immortality is a very difficult thing to reach for> humanity. But I am not asking for it for the whole humanity.> That should be simpler.> And it would be enough for me if _I_ were immortal.

} Poor human.}} You THINK you want to be immortal. You read books about vampires,} gods, and other immortal creatures, and say, "I wish I were immortal} too, because they lead such interesting lives."}} But here, let me reach into another future, a future where you} achieve immortality, while the rest of the world remains mortal.} I show you this, a page from your diary, dated a mere hundred} years from now.}} Wednesday, 26 February 2098.}} Elise has left, saying people have mistaken her for my mother} once too often. Once again, a relationship dies because I am} still young, and she has succumbed to the ravages of time.}} I turned on the television and found that Microsoft has} purchased the last remaining network. Now it is nothing but} American sitcoms, with Microsoft commercials every three} minutes. Perhaps I should introduce myself to Bill Gates;} he is only a disembodied brain kept alive by machines and} running the world from the Microsoft Network, but at least} we two know what it is to be immortal.}} Two hundred years from now:}} Monday, 26 February 2198.}} Got up. Had green NutriPaste for breakfast. Petted MS-Dog,} noticed fur is falling out. Nothing on television that I} haven't seen 1000 times before. Chose brown paste for lunch.} Spent the afternoon deleting spam from mailbox. Ate yellow} paste for dinner. Kids rode past on hoverbikes, blasting} that new Phreenge "music". Shook fist at them. They laughed} at me. Whippersnappers; no respect for their elders.}} Three hundred years from now:}} Saturday, 26 February 2298.}} I am so bored, I want to die. Useless, of course -- no matter} what I chop off, it grows back. Tried chopping off head, that} was a disaster. A new head grew back on the body, a new body} grew back on the head. Thought that would be wonderful, but I} learned I can't stand to live with myself. Couldn't play} chess with him, since he knew what I was up to. Couldn't play} cards, because we each knew the other was cheating. And he} never refilled the ice tray.}} Four hundred years from now:}} Thursday, 26 February 2398.}} Very exciting day today; ate yellow paste instead of green for} breakfast. I shouldn't do that again soon, or the novelty will} wear off.}} Five hundred years for now:}} Wednesday, 26 February 2498:}} Got up. Green paste for breakfast. Yellow paste for lunch.} Brown paste for dinner. Going to bed.}} After that, they're all duplicate entries.}} The only thing that makes your life interesting is the fact that it's} so finite. Eat nothing but bologna sandwiches every day for breakfast,} lunch and dinner, and that'll give you a good idea of what immortality} is really like.}} You owe the Oracle a cure for ennui.

} <Oracle barely conceals his look of terror from the supplicant>}} Ah, er, well, actually ... um, yes! yes! My assistant} Zadoc has all the details you require about various ISPs!} ZADOC! Come here! Tell this kind soul *everything* about ISPs ...}} <Orrie backs away carefully as the unsuspecting Zadoc engages Clem} in a detailed discussion of all things internet related and otherwise,} providing a neat distraction while Orrie manages to reach the phone>}} "Hi, is that Guido?"}} "Yeah, boss. Youse gots a job fer us?"}} "I sure do. You just get a few friends together and head off} to a Me-forsaken place in Montana called Blatt's Half Apple.} I'll take care of your transport ... <snaps fingers> you should} find the tickets in the inside pocket of your Armani jacket."}} "Neat, boss. I always like de way you do dat - even when} I'm wearin' de suit."}} "Ok, get yourself down there and keep an eye out for *any*} telecommunications people - anyone who looks like they might be} setting up a new phone line and you waste them, you got me?} No warnings, no second chances, nothing! They're gone!"}} "Can do, boss. Hey, would youse like us to run a bit} of a protection game on whatever comms dey got dere now, too?"}} "Great idea! Keep those hicks out of the picture entirely! I love} your grasp of a situation, Guido. I'll pay you the usual} fee, plus an extra bonus for this special job."}} <click>}} The Oracle owes you an offer you won't refuse.

> Oh Internet Oracle:>> Your future is so bright I gotta wear shades.> Your intelligence is so vast as to make Star Trek NG's "Data"> look like a "Speak and Spell".> And . . .> Your home made wine is delicate without being cloying.>> Please tell me:>> Here in America I've been trying to watch the Olympics on the CBS> network. But all I've found is what appears to be a documentary> on the 1998 Olympics. They seem to be showing only the last 10> minutes of any event. I've yet to see a single medal ceremony or> hear a national anthem being played. And apparently, only> Americans are winning medals because I rarely see any other> country given equal time.>> Moreover, they keep showing these "local interest" stories that> are completely insulting to the Japanese host such as:>> Stories about how weird the food is in Japan.> Stories about how many Americans were tortured in WWII.> Stories about the "coffin hotels", "beer in vending machines",> "tiny Japanese apartments", and other little stories that make> Japan look like some bizarre Felinni film.>> Please tell me on what station are the real Olympics are being> broadcast. I can't keep watching this bizarre "Olympics Lite".

} Hi, I'm Zadoc Nantz, and we'll be back with coverage of The Oracle} Answering Your Question right after this.}} The Oracle Answering Your Question is brought to you by...} S.C. Johnson Wax, makers of new Woodchuck-B-Gon spray.} And by Bright Red Siamese Fighting Fish Food, new from Hartz.}} Welcome back. Going out to the Oracle's Temple now, to watch the} Oracle warming up to answer your question. Our question-answering} correspondent Alex Trebek is there. Alex?}} Thanks, Zadoc. Now, the Oracle has been warming up for} 15 minutes now, by answering easier questions, one right} after the other. We have seen several different variations} on the "How much wood" question, most of which the Oracle} dispensed of quickly with a simple "ZOT!" reply.}} Alex, excuse me. Won't those answers cost him points with the judges?}} They might well do that; however, the question that is} to be answered during the actual competition, involving} televised coverage of the Olympics, is not the type of} question that the Oracle can deal with by using that} type of answer. So we expect a long answer in competition,} possibly some type of parody. Zadoc?}} All right, Alex, thank you. We'll be checking in with you several} dozen more times throughout the evening. Now a report from Martha} Stewart, who has been exploring the site where the Oracle will be} answering this question. Martha?}} Thanks, Zadoc. Bloomington, Indiana, the home of the} Oracle's Temple. Even the name suggests flowers. I went} out in search of some flowers to arrange.}} Well, it looks like this might be a greenhouse...excuse} me, sir, where are the flowers?} "Flowers? What? This is a basketball gym!"} Basket ball?}} The nice man explained "basket ball" to me. I understand} it's some sort of game, played by various special interest} groups in this part of the country. But for now, it was} off to find some flowers.}} And we'll have Part 2 of Martha's report coming up later in this} broadcast. We'll be right back.}} The Oracle Answering Your Question is brought to you by...} Mrs. Smith's pies. Who do you want to hit in the face with} a pie today?} And by Thor brand zot staffs. When they say "I'm Thor,"} it must be Thor brand.}} Welcome back. The Oracle doesn't just sit in the Temple answering} questions all day. With a look at what the Oracle does when he's not} answering questions, here's Mark McEwen.}} Just what does an omniscient being do to relax? He already} knows the plot of every movie and TV show, not to mention} every book. And there's only so much napping anyone can do} in one day. So what are the avocations of the Oracle?}} [ click ]}} ...CNN Headline Sports. Last night, the Internet Oracle answered a} question about which American network was showing the Olympics, as} opposed to the documentary about the Olympics CBS seemed to be showing,} with a riotously funny parody answer that ultimately led to a} suggestion to get a satellite dish and watch the coverage from Canada.}} [ click ]}} Coming off his medal-winning question-answering performance, the} Internet Oracle, next, right here on "Charles Grodin."}} [ click ]}} Welcome back to "Late Night." So, Andy, how about that Internet} Oracle, huh?}} [ click ]}} And now, an MTV World Premiere Video. Elton John has recorded another} new version of "Candle in the Wind," this one paying tribute to the} Internet Oracle...}} [ click ]}} ...but he only does that on Tuesday. Zadoc?}} Thanks, Mark. Unfortunately, we've run out of time on our broadcast} tonight, because our affiliates get upset if their 11:00 news doesn't} start on time, so we'll see you back here tomorrow night for our} coverage of The Internet Oracle Answering Your Question. Good night.}} [ click ]

> Oh Great and Wondrous Oracle ....> (Hmmm, no that's been done)>> Oh Fantibrulous, Extraculous and Umptiddlyumtious Oracle ...> (no, excessively silly)>> Oh Oracle whose various bodily parts and excretions are too> divinely immaculate for my unworthy supplicantness to even envision> much less see ...> (no, no, no ... way too general, although still quite true)>> Oh What the heck.>> Oracle, can you make some suggestions for a suitable grovel?

} Yes I *do* know what, silly goose! Congratulations!!!! --And now} that you can recognize it in 9 out of 10 tries, Zadoc will take you} out tomorrow and show you how to recognize a hole in the ground.