FAMILY MATTERS: Woman in denial stage of alcohol abuse

Jim MayMidland Reporter-Telegram

Published 4:06 am, Thursday, June 10, 2010

By Jim May

DEAR FAMILY: I'm worried about my wife's drinking. We've been married almost 20 years and she's drunk wine the entire time, but the last year or so I've noticed that when I come home and she's cooking she's already into the wine. When I said something to her about how much wine she had drunk before dinner while she was cooking (almost half a bottle) she got mad and said it was already opened. I got this bright idea to look through our wines before I went to work and made sure that none of the bottles were open and same thing when I got home. When I told her I knew different and why, she exploded and accused me of being a sneak and a control freak and a lot worse other things before it was over. Bad dinner night.

She seemed to cut back some for a month or so but now she's back to her old tricks. She drinks a bottle of wine a night, before and during dinner. If I don't drink some with her she gets mad. She gets mad over almost everything in the evening. I'm getting where I try to grab something on the way home and not have the usual dinner together. That usually gets me out of the problem but she stays up and watches TV and either sleeps on the sofa or comes to bed and passes out. I don't have any idea about what to do about this. I love her and want to help but you can't imagine the awful things that come out of her mouth when she's mad. -- BAFFLED

DEAR BAFFLED: Your wife's drinking certainly should concern you. I would definitely say that she drinks way too much and is definitely a problem drinker. However, as you have already discovered at this stage in her drinking career, you can do little to deter her. She is still in the denial stage of alcohol abuse. As reported in a Betty Ford Center publication, chemically dependent people identified the following five elements of their denial stage:

-- They really could not see what others see.

-- They truly were not aware of how bad things had gotten.

-- They honestly did not realize how much they were hurting others.

-- They didn't believe anybody still cared.

-- They couldn't see a way out with dignity.

Using these five elements as "clues of denial," the article suggests that one way to intervene and avoid arguments is to continually offer a simple core message. An outline for that core message is:

I would add to their suggestion that I have found that it is most helpful for you to go to a few Al-Anon meetings to better understand alcoholism (685-3100). It is a cunning, baffling and confusing disease that I think a person must somewhat understand before attempting to engage an alcohol abuser. In my experience, it is usually ill-advised to start off speaking to the person in terms of being an alcoholic (although she may be) or going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting; instead, take a firm but simple approach. Most people are willing to consider that they might be "abusing alcohol" before they would entertain the reality of their alcohol dependence/alcoholism. The first question your wife must answer is "can she actually stop or moderate"even when she wants to do it?

You may also want to go to the Hazelden Foundation, www.hazelden.org, and look at Joseph L. Kellermann's book, "Alcoholism: a Merry-Go-Round Named Denial." They have many other books that can help you in this difficult and challenging process.