One Surprising Way Men Help Us While Hurting Us

It's your fear of rejection that is getting you rejected. I know…I write about rejection a lot: how to recognize when it is and isn't real; how there's no such thing as rejection when you're meeting guys using online dating; and how to learn from it, recover and move on to the next guy who will be better for you. (Yes! There WILL be a next guy!) When we say rejection hurts, it really does HURT.

Kirsten Weir, an award-winning science writer, writes this in an article for the American Psychological Association: "As researchers have dug deeper into the roots of rejection, they've found surprising evidence that the pain of being excluded is not so different from the pain of physical injury." Ouch. Every day I get emails, comments on my blog and questions from my coaching clients about how to avoid feeling crappy about a guy not calling, disappearing, or saying "no thank you."

Today I received an email asking me to dig a little deeper into my advice that when a guy doesn't return your feelings, it can ultimately be a very positive thing.

L’s question went like this:

"Hi Bobbi,

I read the article you wrote about your relationship with Steve. When you talked about women thanking men for dumping them you said 'they may know something we don't.' Can you tell me what you meant by that?"

I am in a similar situation…and it is very difficult. Thank you for your time.

P.S. I am glad you found a wonderful man.

Steve was a really good guy who, on our third date, told me he would never marry me. It took me three years – during which he never even called me his girlfriend – to finally believe him. I left, and cried for a year. I can look back and clearly see that Steve's rejection was a gift to me. We wouldn't have made good lifetime partners, and I went on to meet and marry the man of my dreams.

So what do I mean when I say a guy may dump you because he knows something you don't? I mean that men can be smarter than us when it comes to deciding whether there's potential for a loving lifetime partnership. Men are biologically better able to be objective when selecting a partner. Women are naturally searching for a mate and can often jump quickly to He’s The One, especially when sex is involved. It's natural for us to bond and want to protect that bond. And, of course, culturally we're taught that having a husband is what makes us valuable. Keep reading...