Clarion 1963-04-01 Vol 39 No 00

Gazing wistfully at the flagpole before its removal to the center
of the campus is Miss Effie Nelson, dean of women in the collage. Con-struction
teams will soon begin transplanting the pole so that it will
be functioning for the May-pole celebration planned for May 1 in honor
of John Alexis Edgren.
FINAL
midnight
EDITION the CARRION DOWN
with the
MUSIC DEPT.
Volume XIXIXILI — No. 01
Bethel Collage and Cemetery, Across from the Fairgrounds
Monday, April 1, 1963
Bethel Signs MGM Contract
New System
Insures Safety
For Girls' Dorms
As plans to select an architect
for the new campus rush hurriedly
on, Miss Effie Nelson, dean of wo-men,
has announced acquisition of
a new safety system for the girls'
residences.
In a joint meeting of the Hag-strom
and Bodien dorm councils
last week, Miss Nelson was re-ported
to have said:
"Mr. Lidbom has picked up a
dandy piece of surplus from the
government. A conference man
took the contract for wrecking
a de-activated prisoner-of-war
camp and generously offered to
sell the school an entire set of
cell-block doors and switches for
less than half price."
Upon investigation, the new
equipment was found to be truly
remarkable, and soon cries of "I
wonder what it's like!" and "Do
we all get to have one?" echoed
through Miss Nelson's office.
Feeling that the present system
had many flaws and was often not
completely objective, the girls were
obviously delighted with the new
arrangements.
Every evening at 10:40, when
all the girls are safely in, and
have had ample time to discuss
their evening's activities and pre-pare
themselves for a night of
rest, they will gather at the
doors to their rooms.
When everyone has been count-ed,
the campuser will take her
place at the end of the hall and
push a button so that all the doors
will swing open.
At the signal to enter, the girls
are expected to rush into their
rooms, glad to be removed from
annoying disturbances and pester-ing
friends. The campuser will
then push another button, and the
doors will swing shut, keeping the
girls safe and undisturbed until
morning.
ly and realistically converted into
a gigantic Egyptian banquet room.
"We plan no delineation between
the stage and the audience," Mr.
Rott supposedly commented, "and
hope to include everyone in an ex-perience
total drama."
Chairman of the'event, Liz
Carlsork was heard to have sup-ported
this cowpt since "this
will completelysolve our prob-lems
with the Friday night pro-gram
and the Saturday night
banquet by combining them both
on the same night."
Due to the mammoth construc-tion
problems created by the set-ting
of the opera, Harold Lidbom,
business manager, was reported to
have pledged the entire summer's
work of the maintenance depart-ment.
"Of course this means a
temporary abandonment of plans
for the rennovation of faculty of-fices,
but I'm sure they won't mind
waiting one more year."
MOST ENTHUSIASTIC about the
proposed program was, of course,
the music department, which has
required all its music majors to
aid in working on the opera.
"We feel that our revised cur-riculum
has allowed our majors
too much extra-time which could
be employed successfully in a
homecoming program," Julius
Whitinger, chairman of the de-partment,
was reported as say-ing.
"In addition," he continued, "this
has the added advantage of expos.
ing our students to more of the
other disciplines which should aug-ment
their liberal arts education
considerably."
WHEN QUESTIONED as to whe-
"Bethel is now launching an all-out
attempt to capture the imagi-nation
of America, to relate her-self
to the world around her," de-clared
President Lundquist yester-day,
according to informed sources.
The occasion was the joint school
board - administration announce-ment
of a mammoth new fund-raising
drive. "Out of the cloister
and into the cluster" was the slo-gan
adopted for the campaign.
THE FIRST major step was the
signing of a contract with M.G.M.
for the production of the first in
a new series of religious spectula-tors.
Rapid depletion of useable
Biblical themes has necessitated a
turn to church history for mater-ial;
according to Mr. Malmsten.
Baptist General conference
history was chosen because of
the dramatic elements pervading
the story. Tentative title for the
film is "Heirs of the Vikings."
The producers termed the sail-ors
and lumberjacks "natural po-tential
for a fast, active saga that
will sell."
PLANS ARE on the drawing
board already for storms at sea,
forest fires, harrowing last min-ute
escapes from the tyrannical
European regime and many heroic
pioneer subplots, complete with
Indian massacres (which provide
the mass-battle scenes demanded
by all red-blooded Americans, lo-ther
the nature of the program
best represented the image of
Bethel college, the joint commit-tee
rationalized that "in keeping
with the general trend in home-coming
programs, we feel this is
onl the next most logical step."
music student was also
he dto4,add that since the opera
e,,,sun,g in its original lan-guage,
there should ensue no
problems for audience accept-ance.
Tryouts have been scheduled for
the opera, but it was generally felt
that the main roles demanded more
technical knowledge and pure sta-mina
than students possessed. Con-sequently,
it has been announced
that Lillian Ryberg and Webster
Muck have been slated for the
leads.
ANTICIPATING SLIGHT alumni
resistance to the presentation,
alumni director Robert Ricker has
reportedly been organizing an
"Oper-a-ma" to rally alumni sup-port
for the project. "After all,"
he commented, "we don't want to
have the alumni surprised by the
program."
The only other comment from
the public relations office was a
desperate murmur from one of
the inner offices: "But how can
we put this in bulletins?"
Research in Egyptian history
stimulated by an attempt of the
Bethel Women's federation to dis-cover
original costuming designs
has uncovered the startling fact
that the name "Royal" can be dir-ectly
traced to the seventeenth son
of the thirty-second nephew of a
sixteenth century Pharaoh.
custs and fair young Baptist maid-ens).
The second part of the an-nouncement
was concerned with
a similar emphasis. A series of
"Baptist Classic" comic books
will come off the press next
month. Included will be such
provocative titles as "From F. 0.
to Effie," "I Remember Mama
Bodien," "The Conferenciad"
and "I was a Teenage Founding
Father."
These works will also be avail-able
in book for the purists, and
in paper-back editions for cheap
purists. It is hoped that this new
and stimulating reading material
will indeed (in the words of the
prefaces) "Launch Staunch Bap-tists."
THIS INTENS _VE historical
study has already unearthed a
grave error in the ancient Scan-dinavian
calendar, making John
Alexis Edgren's birthday fall on
May 1, instead of the traditional
February date. In order to atone
for these many years of aberration,
Founder's week will henceforth be
held the first week in May.
A May-pole dance will become
part of the week's festivities, in
the hopes of binding the Bethel
family and its supports more
closely together. This will neces-sitate
moving the flagpole to the
center of the campus.
As Dean Larson was reported to
have said, "A flag after all, makes
a more fitting patriotic center for
the campus than the present sym-bol
of waste and corruption."
Lundquist
Reads Letters
On KTCA-TV
"An Old - Fashioned Reading
Hour" is alleged to be the title of
Bethel's latest contribution to the
Minnesota Private college hour
series presented Monday evenings
at 8:30 by KTCA.
Featured participant of the pro-gram
will be President Carl H.
Lundquist, who has opened his
files of personal correspondence
for the evening's entertainment.
Assisting Dr. Lundquist will be
Mrs. Lundquist who has been re-hearsing
the correct responses to
the cue: "Honey, will you read the
letters please?"
Program plans were crystallized
as a result of favorable comments
on several of Dr. Lundquist's
speaking engagements. The educa-tion
department excitedly hailed
the project as a "new progressive
step in the educative process."
Divisions in the actual program
will include chapel, offering and
recruitment letters and authors
have been limited to alumni, who
have been further divided into
grateful alumni, repentant alumni,
concerned alumni and panicky
alumni.
The validity of this unusual pro-gram
has been defended by the ad-ministration
in that it is believed
that the only true picture of a col-lege
is that reflected by its alumni.
Plans for the 1963 Homecoming
were officially announced by a
joint communique allegedly pub-lished
by the homecoming commit-tee
and the music, history, drama
and biology departments.
As a result of a study by the
student senate and the administra-tion,
this program represents a
complete revision of past presen-tations.
The major change was the
decision by the committee and
the combined departments to pre-sent
a full-scale version of Verdi's
Aida.
DIRECTED BY Dale Rott, the
opera will be performed in the
fieldhouse, which will be complete-
Senate Sets Secret Session,
Brings Bethel Banquet Bill
Members of the student senate convened in an emergency session
at 12 last evening. Due to the volatile nature of the problem under
consideration, the meeting was held in the complete secrecy of the
neo-sub-basement. After much heated discussion, the proposed bill was
passed, 17-1. The following is the complete text of the bill.
THE BANQUET BILL
Be it enacted by the student senate that the attire and expenditures of
Bethel collage students at all banquets be regulated according to the
follOwing:
Section 1. Each man shall wear a tail coat with satin or grosgrain lapels;
striped trousers; white-pique waistcoat with white or antique buttons;
a white pique bow tie; white kid gloves; white muffler of silk, woven
or knit; a black silk hat and a white or deep red carnation.
Section 2. Each woman shall wear an evening-length dress (preferably
crepe, chiffon or cotton lace); elbow-or-longer evening gloves in doeskin
or cotton doeskin or lace kid; a bracelet worn over the glove; 2" or 3".
high-heeled shoes; a corsage of complementary hue and an evening
wrap of sheared beaver, Persian lamb or mink.
Section 3. The minimum cost per couple shall not be less than eight
dollars.
Homecoming Features Grand Opera ;
Fieldhouse Becomes Egyptian Hall
'It oetrp Corner
Number One
A student once asked Dr. Fahs
What the well-balanced Bethel man was.
"He is rather gung-ho
Over something, you know;
Like I don't dig this half-hearted jahzz."
Number Two
To a paddleball game Dr. Mounce
Challenged someone he thought he could trounce.
Upon losing his match,
He his noggin did scratch,
Saying, "I need a ball with more bounce."
Impending Exigencies Castigate
Vacuitous Existential Polyclactic
sical," features such intriguing
chapters as "The House-fly Collect-ing
Club as a Social Institution,"
"The Yogi Meditation Club as a
Social Institution," "The Young
Ku Klux Klan as a Social Institu-tion"
and "The Weedgee Board
Watchers Internation, etc."
Section III, on "The College as a
Social Organism," features a chap-ter
on "An Analysis and Critique
of Mass Response to the Fight
Yell Win, Boys, Win.' "
I. Van Faust and D. 0. Morbury. "The Col-lege
as a Social Institution." Harpies, 1963.
1,379 pp. $9.50.
The academic world has long a-waited
this scholarly, yet creative
volume, and at last it is here. The
book takes a long (1,379 pp.) and
penerating look at what the Am-erican
private college has become
over the years.
It has evolved from the original
stuffy and largely irrevelant ivory
tower to an activist, sociable and,
above all, adjusted and integrated
family-surrogate.
THE FIRST three chapters com-prise
a genuinely heart-rending
explanation of why a concise 1,379-
page volume is woefully insuffic-ient
for a study of this sort, but
anti-intellectual "Madison-Avenue-dominated
publishers being what
they are . . ."
Any sort of adequate summary
of such exhausting work would,
of course, be impossible. How-ever,
a few chapter titles may
prove illuminating.
Section I, on "College Clubs: Po-litical,
Social, Cultural, Religious,
Economic, Ideological, Service,
Philosophical, Scientific and Phy-
The exigencies of plaudit phlag-maticism
impinging upon an essen-ially
nascent economy vitriollically
castigates with vacuitous pande-monium
elements of dynamic cos-mogeny.
For example, plaudits implicit
in explications of existential poly-clactics
procur only meager felici-tations
when confronted with a
contrasting of the gastrovascular
mistique with the foreign policies
of J.F.K.
ULTIMATIONS pending salutory
contradistinction only serve to de-salinize
the sanguinary precept o1
inter spacial collusion of expur-gating
cats.
Implicit in this theory is the
tacit denial of the tranquil sub-by
Sloppy Pedro
If you are able to rationalize
yourself out of your studies, listed
below are some cultural activities
that will cover up your guilt feel-ings.
After all, "Beauty is truth,
truth beauty—that is all ye know
on earth, and all ye need to know"
and all that kind of stuff.
Family night at Fifth Baptist
church will feature William Shake-speare's
Taming of the Shrew star-ring
Milford Carlson and Dorothy
Whitinger.
Theater in the round will give
a dramatic enactment of the
Second World war.
Dr. Roy Butler will burn out
is not doing enough yet to encour-age
"the unqualified, gung-ho par-ticipation
of all students in anti-curricular
activities."
pad
The unique cooperative arrange-ment
in researching for the book
deserves mention. The work was
divided so that Faust composed
two footnotes, which command, on
the average, three-fourths of every
page.
lime that poets refer to as the
literary "flash of insight." With-out
that element of supreme
nausea, a literary genius becomes
what Paul refers to as "Sounding
brass and tinkling symbol."
The castigation of the literary
subterranna concommitantly repar-ations
lonely souls of deficient in-tellect
who pedantically arouse in-furiations
of pastoral poignancy.
HOWEVER, BLATANT collab-orations
between right and wrong
inflame the souls of Republicans
and Democrats alike, inferring at
least that each regards itself the
singular positer of sound and
preachments.
To give capitalism as high a
rung on the emotional ladder
the heresies in the paintings of
Jackson Pollack.
Falcon Heights Elementary
school will present Bizet's grand
opera "Carmen." Dr. A. D. V. Clark
will give a lecture on "The Aes-thetic
Standards of the Bethel Col-lage
Long Range Planning Com-mittee."
On Bethel's campus, Nancy
Robertson will give a barefooted
demonstration of an Eskimo
dance.
St. Paul Civic Opera association
will present an operatic version of
"Hamlet." Outstanding performers
include Barry Goldwater as Ham-let,
Mahalia Jackson as Ophelia
and Dean Martin as the king.
Bethel College Cultural council
will sponsor a one week cultural
tour to Havana, Cuba, between the
next two international crises. Those
interested in going on the tour
should set aside at least an extra
week for interrogation by the
House Committee on Un-American
Activities.
Artist Joan V. Bettle will give
one-woman exhibition of her non-objective,
non-expressionistic, non-chromatic,
non-anything paintings.
The exhibition will be open twenty-four
hours a day and seven days
a week. You all come.
Letter:
SCWA Extends
Annual Thanks
Dear Editor:
At the quarterly business meet-ing
of the combined seminary and
colleges wives' associations we vot-ed
to send you a sincere word of
appreciation for your wonderful
paper, the CARRION.
I always read it from cover to
cover and anxiously look forward
to the day when my husband is
supposed to bring it home.
Thus, it is a joy to renew our
family subscription for another
year, and we again heartily thank
you for your inspiring paper. Keep
up the good work.
Helga Karlson (Mrs.)
Secretary, SCWAs
as, shall we say, Christian pre-cepts,
or to equate the two would
be as silly as a monologic con-versation
between antithetic and
salubrious tabularities.
But somehow the magnificent
phenomena is in its post-natural
exertions. Indeed, eloquence itself
seems to have been born out of
the agonies of disgruntled con-servatism
and the lungs of Lincoln
lie prone, but still warmed by the
heated passion of contemporary
Republican pedants. Surely so
great a love for so dead a man can
only serve to illustrate the maso-chistic
tendencies of modern con-servatism.
THAT MAN is incorrigibly con-temptuous
and lives for the grati-fication
of his basest lusts cannot
be tolerated by us optomists. Man's
propensities toward greed are evi-dent
only because part of his per-sonality
has yet to be sublimated
to what society has chosen to call
"good."
Ample room awaits the cynic
in the tabernacle of intellectual-ism,
for the former derides the
incongruities of traditionalism,
He only has yet to relate the
discernible data to the presuppo-sitions
posited during childhood
to conjure up a neat package of
coherent consistency to which
the gods, mother, country and
little children will innanely ap-plaud.
The intransigence of diabolical
imperturbations ambulatorily ig-nominating
the heroic couplets of
the impervious medieval institu-tions
regulating reality to an un-realistic
position.
For example, a professor ponti-ficating
last week to a great body
of frustrated anti-vivisectionalists
stated "Pudent embolism coalesc-ing
in the posteria aorta . . ."
while drooping eyelids and general
intellectual emasculation protrud-ed
the ignomony of provascular
female caruso's.
And the adamant proliferations
of exuberant anonymity, vis a' vis
vinimcouses vouchsafing convers-ly
juxtopositional vindications, cas-tigate
with illuminative acquie-sence
singularly vaporous tropho-plasms
of academic control.
`Mei leeeh . .
Monday, April 1
April Fools Day
Tuesday, April 2
general apathy week
Wednesday, April 3
Thursday, April 4
Friday, April 5
Saturday, April 6
Monday, April 8
the CARRION
Published during the academic year by the
students of Bethel collage and cemetery,
Across from the Fairgrounds. Subscribers are
insane.
Volume XIXI XILI No. 01
The staff wishes to remain anonymous on
the grounds that they might be incriminated
and have not yet graduated.
Opinions expressed in the CARRION do not
necessarily reflect the position of the collage
or cemetery.
Page 2
the CARRION Monday, April 1, 1963
Phy Ed Finally Receives
True Credit Enumeration
Congratulations are in order to faculty members for their
most recent decision regarding academic policy. An informed
source has reported that the faculty, meeting in closed session,
voted unanimously to effect changes in three areas.
First of all, at the request of the current freshman class,
the credit remuneration for physical education was increased
to an allotment of one and one half credits per semester. The
change was necessitated by the large number of hours which
students were spending outside of class memorizing complex
badminton and ping pong rules and the extra practice time
required in order to pass the skill tests. The extremely compe-titive
pressures involved were also a factor.
After a closer inspection of this program, the faculty also
decided to make physical education a four-year requirement.
Justly concerned with the health of the student body, the fac-ulty
expressed the prevelant opinion of "Whenever in doubt,
require it!" Such action is more than commendatory as it em-phasizes
once again the faculty's desire to ascertain and react
to issues significant to the student body.
Following this action, the faculty granted a long-standing
request by completely eliminating any credit for participation
in music groups. Once again the faculty is to be commended for
their perceptive knowledgeability of the student situation. Here
the faculty correctly reasoned that since those students in-volved
with these activities were wholly and entirely dedicated
to their groups, they would be more than willing to sacrific-ially
contribute hours of their time Besides, the academicity
of this program was surely questionable.
Concomitant with these was the decision to lower the
total credit requirement for graduation, an act in keeping
with decisions made earlier in the year. The total was changed
from 123 credits to an even 100, as it was felt that this number
was more in the context of the current Decade Ten. With the
addition of the eight credits to the physical education program,
this would thus allow each student enough extra time to par-ticipate
in at least one extra-curricular activity.
Administration Heads For
Civil Defense Supplies
An interesting development is reportedly taking place in
the administrative offices on the first floor, for it has been
rumored that the administration has offered to trade locations
with the student offices in the lower level.
No reasons for this proposed change have been revealed
by those involved, but one has only to consider the location
of the survival supplies to realize a partial cause for the switch.
However, the most horrifying aspect of this situation lies
in the fact that with student offices located on the first floor,
they would be so easily accessible to any student enrolled in the
college that there would be little excuse for non-participation.
The effect which this situation might have in creating just
one huge social group on campus has implications of far too
vast a nature to even consider further.
THE BOOK poses only two re-grets,
aside from the space limi-tations.
First, the American college
Tbe 3Inbtx:
Book Looks at What American College
Has Become, Comments Profoundly
And second, the college is still
not providing the complete sort
of family-substitution that today's
students need. Colleges, in a word,
SECTION I , labeled "College expect too much thinking.
Dormitories, Frat Houses and Such
Like" includes such topics in the
sub-section "Dormitories" as "Life
in a Two-person Room," "Life in a
Three-person Room," with more in-teresting
titles under the sub-sec-tion
"Such Like."
LEST THIS seem unequal divi-sion
of labor, it should be pointed
out that Morbury's diligent search
for just the right abstruse and un-intelligible
word for every context
Section IV, "College Intergroup was at least as time-consuming as
Relationships," has five chapters foot-note construction.
on "Why the Faculty Hates the
Administration," "Why the Ad-ministration
Hates the Student
Body and so on around the family
circle.
The work concludes with the
perceptive and highly unique state-ment
that "In conclusion, then, as
we have outlined above, in the
preceding brief summaries . .
students do not attend college
merely as individuals. They attend
in, as, for, of, by and with groups."
aid 'tetra
Founding Father of the I.C.O.N.'s, Dr. Butler, is caught in a medi-tative
stroll around the campus on a spring day. That he seems bur-dened
with some imponderable thought is possible only for those sus-picious
of a subversive tenor to the new movement which he has in-augurated.
Monday, April 1, 1963 the CARRION Page 3 Can You Match This? Philosopher-Rabble-Rouser Initiates
Massive Bethel Art-Object Witch-Hunt Following current trends in educational testing for upperclassmen
at Bethel college, a professor recently submitted the following quiz
to each of his classes. The student was required to match the correct
alphabetical symbol with the corresponding numeral to indicate a
response to the general topic, "Why Prominent Bethelites Were Not in
Chapel."
1. "They wouldn't let me lead,
singing."
2. "I was out of town." A. Dean Larson
3. Smiling and breathy, "The
alumni group I was showing
around campus didn't want to C. Miss Effie Nelson
go."
4. "At this juncture, one must
make a value judgment."
5. "On a day when they're not
taking an offering?"
6. "I was making a dorm chapel
check."
7. "I couldn't pass up the chance
to buy 5,000 pounds of instant
potatoes at 1/3 off."
8. "How can you talk of chapel
when stocks are down three
per cent?"
9. "This question will have to go
to the proper committee. We'll
notify you of our decision."
10. "I was raising the hem of my
spring skirts—one must keep
up with fashion, you know."
Student Crime Ring Steals
Bethel's Rival of Mona Lisa
At the instigation of the Bodien
dorm council a search is being or-ganized
to find a priceless piece
of art that mysteriously disappear-ed
from the Bodien Lounge over
the weekend.
The dorm council issued a state-ment
to the press early today a-bout
the theft. The missing pic-ture
is a portrait of the Mrs. Bo-dien,
patron saint of the dormi-tory.
The president of the dorm
council indicated that the picture
has been missing several times
in the past but has always been
returned. On one occasion the
picture was discovered in the
course of a police search of the
women's dorm, calmly sitting in
the ladies room.
On another occasion the poor
lady was the unwitting witness of
a crime that transpired in the sen-ate
office. And, earlier this school
year, Mrs. Bodien was fondly pre-sented
as a birthday remembrance
to a counselor in the Edgren dor-mitory,
by some youthful prank-sters.
However, dorm council president
Judy Van feels that this recent
theft is of a different nature than
the others which were obviously
intended as good natured fun.
Bethel's Art Treasure
whereby a student's answers to
questions are met immediately by
an affirmative or negative re-sponse.
THIS IS accomplished by flash-ing
the image of a concerned tea-cher
on a screen, an approving
smile designating "Correct" and
an admonishing frown "Incorrect."
The major purpose of THE
TEACHER is to produce students
who can think and express them-selves
imaginatively. According
to one of the English faculty
members, "The thought of hun-dreds
of truly original young
minds pouring forth from Bethel
every year is, well, it's, Well,
it's tremendously exciting."
The invention instills creativity
in several ways. First it insists
upon imaginatively correct rhet-oric.
Thus, a student who composes
a paragraph under THE TEACH-ER's
guidance and omits a topic
sentence is met with the appro-prite
scowl.
A STUDENT not relating every
sentence directly to the topic sen-tence
receives a similar response.
According to his closest associates,
Ernest Hemingway committed sui-cide
shortly after 25 minutes spent
with THE TEACHER.
The device also effectively cor-rects
spelling mistakes. Last
month, a U. of M. student suf-fered
nervous collapse from be-ing
met by an array of 144 leer-ing
faces after feeding a research
paper into THE TEACHER.
However, it is felt that this pun-ishment
is much more educational-ly
effective than merely failing
students who mis-spell.
The third way in which THE
TEACHER inspires originality is
by censoring vague, abstract, and
therefore bad writing. The works
of all significant authors, with the
minor exceptions of philosophers,
theologians, political theorists, sci-
Rallying to the call of President
John F. Kennedy, Dr. Anton Pear-son,
pacifist professor of Old
Testament at Bethel theological
seminary is reported to have or-ganized
a very unusual venture.
After considerable research, Dr.
Pearson has discovered that the
distance around the city of Jericho
seven times was nearly 50 miles,
and has contrived a plan that will
combine the best parts of JFK's
command for physical fitness and
the Lord's command to do away
with those who do not believe as
we do, all without betraying his
pacifist principles.
WHEN ASKED to elucidate his
plan, Dr. Pearson is said to have
said: "I have found that the dis-tance
seven times around the Vati-can
is quite close to the Biblical
distance around Jericho.
"In organizing my 50-mile hike,
I would like to assemble a great
crowd of prominent Protestant
leaders, and finance our trip with
a grant, perhaps, or a downright
gift.
"I recognize, of course, that much
of the difficulty for many of the
An organization has recently
been formed on campus with the
purpose, in the words of its foun-der,
Dr. Roy Butler, "in a very
real sense, to encourage the de-velopment
of a true Christian art."
Dr. Butler has indicated that the
organization is open to both stu-dents
and faculty members alike.
The group will function as a ser-vice
organization. The name of the
group is I.C.O.N. No adequate ex-planation
of what the initials stand
for has been made.
The very first purpose of the
group will be to rid the campus
of those art objects which, ac-cording
to Dr. Butler, "do not
in a very real sense express
through the intrinsicality of the
sensuous content, as a self-con-sistent
whole the basic presup-positions
of Christian theism."
Dr. Butler suggested at the or-ganizational
meeting of the I.C.O.N.
that a member should use as a
test of an art object the question,
"What is it?"
It is believed that more Bethel-ites
will join the organization when
word gets around that when a suf-ficiently
large quantity of unau-thentic
art objects have been col-lected
a torchlight parade and
weiner roast will be held.
Meanwhile, two unidentified
art students have volunteered to
sleep in the art lab until heavier
locks can be put on the doors.
Also, the Bethel authors club is
circulating a petition that But-ler's
library card be revoked.
None of the I.C.O.N. members
would comment on the mysterious
disappearance of the Bodieni from
Bodien lounge.
entists and psychologists, have
been fed into the machine.
Students not conforming to these
standards of expression are, of
course, "frowned upon." Signifi-cantly,
THE TEACHER is con-structed
with a concrete founda-tion
and thus cannot be moved.
The sole criticism offered of
THE TEACHER is that its students
tend to resemble one another. But,
as the old saying goes, "Perfection
Breeds Uniformity."
men would be in learning to blow
a trumpet, so I am suggesting that
we bring along small compressed-air
horns. Certainly this is only
making the Word pertinent to our
day.
"AND RATHER than pitchers,
which are obviously rather heavy
and cumbersome, I suggest that
the men carry canteens, for I'm
sure the walk will be warm.
"Torches would create an inter-esting
effect, but I'm sure that
Ever-ready flashlights will do the
trick nearly as well. It would cer-tainly
be nice to have the Racket
Squad along to help with the shout-ing.
"The entire venture sounds like
a stirring way to spend a summer,
or possibly even an entire sabbati-cal.
If everything goes well, we
may well issue publication rights
for the whole venture to Gospel
Light, rather fitting, I would say."
Silli - gisms
Cheap is almost free.
Slaves are cheap.
Slaves are almost free.
B. Dean Muck
D. President Lundquist
E. Nels Stjernstrom
F. Bob Ricker
G. H. Wyman Malmsten
H. Charles Ferguson
I. Eugene Sprinkel
J. Harold Lidbom
(Answers on p. )
"This is obviously the work of a
professional," remarked Miss Van.
Police suspect that it has been
an inside job, done by some-body
who Mrs. Bodien knew
well and so far no clues to the
case have been discovered.
Senate President Spickelmier
has indicated that the theft is
something which the whole student
body should be concerned about.
It is hinted that unless the pic-ture
is soon recovered the matter
will be discussed at the next sen-ate
meeting scheduled to deal with
significant campus issues.
The English department is to be
commended on its purchase of a
series of new electronic devices
developed by IBM, trade-named
THE TEACHER. The invention pro-vides
for far-reaching possibilities
for the correction of numerable
problems plaguing English stu-dents,
informed sources report.
THE TEACHER operates on an
automatic feedback principle,
English Department Purchases
Genius-Manufacturing Machine
Pacifist Plots Maneuver
To Tumble Down Vatican
As A College
Student
You can own
tomorrow's
insurance
program today
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Page 4
the CARRION
Monday, April 1, 1963
"Wink It! Wink IC' screams veteran tiddly-wink
cheerleader Don Allison as Dr. Roy Dalton pre-pares
to sink another one for the glory of the school.
At latest count, nine separate dormitory teams had
been formed and even the women's office staff was
threatening to organize. Administrative reaction to
the game was varied, but one was heard to comment,
"But what would the constituency say if they knew
that Harvard was doing it too?"
MATCHING ANSWERS
- E
6 - I
2 -D
7 -J
3 - F
8 - G
4 -B
9 - A
5 -H
10 -C In its continual striving to pro-mote
campus-wide physical fitness,
the athletic department has seen
fit to add yet another varsity team
to represent Bethel in inter-colleg-iate
sports competition.
Recently formed is the Bethel
Royal tiddlywink squad, predicted
to be the largest crowd-drawer
since girls' basketball. According
to rumor, coach Gene Glader push-ed
for the formation of a tiddly-winks
team after observing the
high level of interest shown for
the game in the physical education
classes.
Try-outs were held in the field-house
last week where forty to
fifty tiddlywinking hopefuls com-peted
for varsity positions. The
team, reduced to six members,
includes captain Ray "Soft-shot"
Shepherd, Don "Flip" Moore,
Lee "Winker" Bajuniemi, Jim
"Tilt" Nelson, Vince "Slap-shot"
Bloom and Phil "Lucky" Bolin-der.
"Winker" Bajuniemi, the team's
most promising player so far, has
been amazing fellow team mem-bers
and spectators alike with his
spectacular ten foot slop-shot.
Those of you who thrilled to
"Winker's" thirty foot "swishers'
on the basketball court, will be
doubly-thrilled as the wink is flip-ped,
sails end over end through
the air, and settles in the cup with
a resounding "clink," touching
nary a part of the lip of the cup
in the process.
Coaching this year's team will
be Dr. Roy Dalton, a four year
varsity player in his college days
and a constant pusher for the
sport since coming to Bethel. Dr.
Dalton was overheard saying,
"Now I'll show Healy what it's
like to have a winning team at
Bethel."
Roy mentioned last week that
the uniforms for the team would
be white with blue and gold polka
dots.
Some of the opponents on this
year's schedule include the U. of
Minnesota, Harvard, Yale, Colum-bia
and Arkansas State Abnormal.
Glader Organizes Tiddlywinkers,
Says 'Biggest Crowd•Drawer Yet'
"House Power Specialists"
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Snidelines
by Ralph Schmeck
Word is out that the athletic department has conformed to the
trend and commissioned coaches Jerry Healy, Owen Halleen and Gene
Glader on a two-month recruiting trip to General conference overseas
missions. Until Healy's wife received a request for extra athletic scholar-ship
funds, no word had been received concerning the trio's where-abouts.
Through subsequent correspondence we have learned of their
recruiting attempts.
Armed with wrist watches and trinkets, the team penetrated the
dark jungles of Africa until they encountered an unusual native.
Perceiving him to be a Ubangi, Healy recommended leaving him
since he was under seven feet. It was reported that Healy questioned
what use such big lips could be, but Halleen immediately disagreed
and signed him up; he could use him for a catcher.
Healy's biggest concern, of course, was finding a substitute for ace
senior basketball player, Lee Bajuniemi. Finding such a substitute re-mained
a puzzle to the recruiters until Glader hit upon a brilliant idea.
The others mutually approved and the group immediately set out for
the nearest Pygmie village. Their hopes, however, were stifled when
they discovered that the village had no Pygmies.
Halleen recognized one of the natives as a Watusi of modest sta-ture.
Finding him friendly, Healy casually sauntered over to him and
stood next to him. Then he timidly looked into his eyes and in his
bashful little way asked, "You playum basketball?" The native smiled,
reached down to pat him on the head and answered, "I dunno, think
I'm tall enough?"
Primarily concerned with building up the football team, Halleen
made it known in all the neighboring villages what he was looking
for. One of the chieftans, somewhat familiar with the game, offered
him an elephant in exchange for a trinket. But Halleen refused,
mumbling something to the effect of what would he want with an
elephant when he had Vince Bloom?
After meeting John Wayne chasing rhinoceros and having coffee
with him at the local coffee shop, the coaches continued their recruit-ing
safari. Glader, who has recently been suspected of feather-bedding
with foam rubber, set as his goal finding someone to run with his
crack distance runner, Fred Purcell. But the closest he could come was
a gazelle with overdrive.
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Gazing wistfully at the flagpole before its removal to the center
of the campus is Miss Effie Nelson, dean of women in the collage. Con-struction
teams will soon begin transplanting the pole so that it will
be functioning for the May-pole celebration planned for May 1 in honor
of John Alexis Edgren.
FINAL
midnight
EDITION the CARRION DOWN
with the
MUSIC DEPT.
Volume XIXIXILI — No. 01
Bethel Collage and Cemetery, Across from the Fairgrounds
Monday, April 1, 1963
Bethel Signs MGM Contract
New System
Insures Safety
For Girls' Dorms
As plans to select an architect
for the new campus rush hurriedly
on, Miss Effie Nelson, dean of wo-men,
has announced acquisition of
a new safety system for the girls'
residences.
In a joint meeting of the Hag-strom
and Bodien dorm councils
last week, Miss Nelson was re-ported
to have said:
"Mr. Lidbom has picked up a
dandy piece of surplus from the
government. A conference man
took the contract for wrecking
a de-activated prisoner-of-war
camp and generously offered to
sell the school an entire set of
cell-block doors and switches for
less than half price."
Upon investigation, the new
equipment was found to be truly
remarkable, and soon cries of "I
wonder what it's like!" and "Do
we all get to have one?" echoed
through Miss Nelson's office.
Feeling that the present system
had many flaws and was often not
completely objective, the girls were
obviously delighted with the new
arrangements.
Every evening at 10:40, when
all the girls are safely in, and
have had ample time to discuss
their evening's activities and pre-pare
themselves for a night of
rest, they will gather at the
doors to their rooms.
When everyone has been count-ed,
the campuser will take her
place at the end of the hall and
push a button so that all the doors
will swing open.
At the signal to enter, the girls
are expected to rush into their
rooms, glad to be removed from
annoying disturbances and pester-ing
friends. The campuser will
then push another button, and the
doors will swing shut, keeping the
girls safe and undisturbed until
morning.
ly and realistically converted into
a gigantic Egyptian banquet room.
"We plan no delineation between
the stage and the audience," Mr.
Rott supposedly commented, "and
hope to include everyone in an ex-perience
total drama."
Chairman of the'event, Liz
Carlsork was heard to have sup-ported
this cowpt since "this
will completelysolve our prob-lems
with the Friday night pro-gram
and the Saturday night
banquet by combining them both
on the same night."
Due to the mammoth construc-tion
problems created by the set-ting
of the opera, Harold Lidbom,
business manager, was reported to
have pledged the entire summer's
work of the maintenance depart-ment.
"Of course this means a
temporary abandonment of plans
for the rennovation of faculty of-fices,
but I'm sure they won't mind
waiting one more year."
MOST ENTHUSIASTIC about the
proposed program was, of course,
the music department, which has
required all its music majors to
aid in working on the opera.
"We feel that our revised cur-riculum
has allowed our majors
too much extra-time which could
be employed successfully in a
homecoming program," Julius
Whitinger, chairman of the de-partment,
was reported as say-ing.
"In addition," he continued, "this
has the added advantage of expos.
ing our students to more of the
other disciplines which should aug-ment
their liberal arts education
considerably."
WHEN QUESTIONED as to whe-
"Bethel is now launching an all-out
attempt to capture the imagi-nation
of America, to relate her-self
to the world around her," de-clared
President Lundquist yester-day,
according to informed sources.
The occasion was the joint school
board - administration announce-ment
of a mammoth new fund-raising
drive. "Out of the cloister
and into the cluster" was the slo-gan
adopted for the campaign.
THE FIRST major step was the
signing of a contract with M.G.M.
for the production of the first in
a new series of religious spectula-tors.
Rapid depletion of useable
Biblical themes has necessitated a
turn to church history for mater-ial;
according to Mr. Malmsten.
Baptist General conference
history was chosen because of
the dramatic elements pervading
the story. Tentative title for the
film is "Heirs of the Vikings."
The producers termed the sail-ors
and lumberjacks "natural po-tential
for a fast, active saga that
will sell."
PLANS ARE on the drawing
board already for storms at sea,
forest fires, harrowing last min-ute
escapes from the tyrannical
European regime and many heroic
pioneer subplots, complete with
Indian massacres (which provide
the mass-battle scenes demanded
by all red-blooded Americans, lo-ther
the nature of the program
best represented the image of
Bethel college, the joint commit-tee
rationalized that "in keeping
with the general trend in home-coming
programs, we feel this is
onl the next most logical step."
music student was also
he dto4,add that since the opera
e,,,sun,g in its original lan-guage,
there should ensue no
problems for audience accept-ance.
Tryouts have been scheduled for
the opera, but it was generally felt
that the main roles demanded more
technical knowledge and pure sta-mina
than students possessed. Con-sequently,
it has been announced
that Lillian Ryberg and Webster
Muck have been slated for the
leads.
ANTICIPATING SLIGHT alumni
resistance to the presentation,
alumni director Robert Ricker has
reportedly been organizing an
"Oper-a-ma" to rally alumni sup-port
for the project. "After all,"
he commented, "we don't want to
have the alumni surprised by the
program."
The only other comment from
the public relations office was a
desperate murmur from one of
the inner offices: "But how can
we put this in bulletins?"
Research in Egyptian history
stimulated by an attempt of the
Bethel Women's federation to dis-cover
original costuming designs
has uncovered the startling fact
that the name "Royal" can be dir-ectly
traced to the seventeenth son
of the thirty-second nephew of a
sixteenth century Pharaoh.
custs and fair young Baptist maid-ens).
The second part of the an-nouncement
was concerned with
a similar emphasis. A series of
"Baptist Classic" comic books
will come off the press next
month. Included will be such
provocative titles as "From F. 0.
to Effie," "I Remember Mama
Bodien," "The Conferenciad"
and "I was a Teenage Founding
Father."
These works will also be avail-able
in book for the purists, and
in paper-back editions for cheap
purists. It is hoped that this new
and stimulating reading material
will indeed (in the words of the
prefaces) "Launch Staunch Bap-tists."
THIS INTENS _VE historical
study has already unearthed a
grave error in the ancient Scan-dinavian
calendar, making John
Alexis Edgren's birthday fall on
May 1, instead of the traditional
February date. In order to atone
for these many years of aberration,
Founder's week will henceforth be
held the first week in May.
A May-pole dance will become
part of the week's festivities, in
the hopes of binding the Bethel
family and its supports more
closely together. This will neces-sitate
moving the flagpole to the
center of the campus.
As Dean Larson was reported to
have said, "A flag after all, makes
a more fitting patriotic center for
the campus than the present sym-bol
of waste and corruption."
Lundquist
Reads Letters
On KTCA-TV
"An Old - Fashioned Reading
Hour" is alleged to be the title of
Bethel's latest contribution to the
Minnesota Private college hour
series presented Monday evenings
at 8:30 by KTCA.
Featured participant of the pro-gram
will be President Carl H.
Lundquist, who has opened his
files of personal correspondence
for the evening's entertainment.
Assisting Dr. Lundquist will be
Mrs. Lundquist who has been re-hearsing
the correct responses to
the cue: "Honey, will you read the
letters please?"
Program plans were crystallized
as a result of favorable comments
on several of Dr. Lundquist's
speaking engagements. The educa-tion
department excitedly hailed
the project as a "new progressive
step in the educative process."
Divisions in the actual program
will include chapel, offering and
recruitment letters and authors
have been limited to alumni, who
have been further divided into
grateful alumni, repentant alumni,
concerned alumni and panicky
alumni.
The validity of this unusual pro-gram
has been defended by the ad-ministration
in that it is believed
that the only true picture of a col-lege
is that reflected by its alumni.
Plans for the 1963 Homecoming
were officially announced by a
joint communique allegedly pub-lished
by the homecoming commit-tee
and the music, history, drama
and biology departments.
As a result of a study by the
student senate and the administra-tion,
this program represents a
complete revision of past presen-tations.
The major change was the
decision by the committee and
the combined departments to pre-sent
a full-scale version of Verdi's
Aida.
DIRECTED BY Dale Rott, the
opera will be performed in the
fieldhouse, which will be complete-
Senate Sets Secret Session,
Brings Bethel Banquet Bill
Members of the student senate convened in an emergency session
at 12 last evening. Due to the volatile nature of the problem under
consideration, the meeting was held in the complete secrecy of the
neo-sub-basement. After much heated discussion, the proposed bill was
passed, 17-1. The following is the complete text of the bill.
THE BANQUET BILL
Be it enacted by the student senate that the attire and expenditures of
Bethel collage students at all banquets be regulated according to the
follOwing:
Section 1. Each man shall wear a tail coat with satin or grosgrain lapels;
striped trousers; white-pique waistcoat with white or antique buttons;
a white pique bow tie; white kid gloves; white muffler of silk, woven
or knit; a black silk hat and a white or deep red carnation.
Section 2. Each woman shall wear an evening-length dress (preferably
crepe, chiffon or cotton lace); elbow-or-longer evening gloves in doeskin
or cotton doeskin or lace kid; a bracelet worn over the glove; 2" or 3".
high-heeled shoes; a corsage of complementary hue and an evening
wrap of sheared beaver, Persian lamb or mink.
Section 3. The minimum cost per couple shall not be less than eight
dollars.
Homecoming Features Grand Opera ;
Fieldhouse Becomes Egyptian Hall
'It oetrp Corner
Number One
A student once asked Dr. Fahs
What the well-balanced Bethel man was.
"He is rather gung-ho
Over something, you know;
Like I don't dig this half-hearted jahzz."
Number Two
To a paddleball game Dr. Mounce
Challenged someone he thought he could trounce.
Upon losing his match,
He his noggin did scratch,
Saying, "I need a ball with more bounce."
Impending Exigencies Castigate
Vacuitous Existential Polyclactic
sical," features such intriguing
chapters as "The House-fly Collect-ing
Club as a Social Institution,"
"The Yogi Meditation Club as a
Social Institution," "The Young
Ku Klux Klan as a Social Institu-tion"
and "The Weedgee Board
Watchers Internation, etc."
Section III, on "The College as a
Social Organism," features a chap-ter
on "An Analysis and Critique
of Mass Response to the Fight
Yell Win, Boys, Win.' "
I. Van Faust and D. 0. Morbury. "The Col-lege
as a Social Institution." Harpies, 1963.
1,379 pp. $9.50.
The academic world has long a-waited
this scholarly, yet creative
volume, and at last it is here. The
book takes a long (1,379 pp.) and
penerating look at what the Am-erican
private college has become
over the years.
It has evolved from the original
stuffy and largely irrevelant ivory
tower to an activist, sociable and,
above all, adjusted and integrated
family-surrogate.
THE FIRST three chapters com-prise
a genuinely heart-rending
explanation of why a concise 1,379-
page volume is woefully insuffic-ient
for a study of this sort, but
anti-intellectual "Madison-Avenue-dominated
publishers being what
they are . . ."
Any sort of adequate summary
of such exhausting work would,
of course, be impossible. How-ever,
a few chapter titles may
prove illuminating.
Section I, on "College Clubs: Po-litical,
Social, Cultural, Religious,
Economic, Ideological, Service,
Philosophical, Scientific and Phy-
The exigencies of plaudit phlag-maticism
impinging upon an essen-ially
nascent economy vitriollically
castigates with vacuitous pande-monium
elements of dynamic cos-mogeny.
For example, plaudits implicit
in explications of existential poly-clactics
procur only meager felici-tations
when confronted with a
contrasting of the gastrovascular
mistique with the foreign policies
of J.F.K.
ULTIMATIONS pending salutory
contradistinction only serve to de-salinize
the sanguinary precept o1
inter spacial collusion of expur-gating
cats.
Implicit in this theory is the
tacit denial of the tranquil sub-by
Sloppy Pedro
If you are able to rationalize
yourself out of your studies, listed
below are some cultural activities
that will cover up your guilt feel-ings.
After all, "Beauty is truth,
truth beauty—that is all ye know
on earth, and all ye need to know"
and all that kind of stuff.
Family night at Fifth Baptist
church will feature William Shake-speare's
Taming of the Shrew star-ring
Milford Carlson and Dorothy
Whitinger.
Theater in the round will give
a dramatic enactment of the
Second World war.
Dr. Roy Butler will burn out
is not doing enough yet to encour-age
"the unqualified, gung-ho par-ticipation
of all students in anti-curricular
activities."
pad
The unique cooperative arrange-ment
in researching for the book
deserves mention. The work was
divided so that Faust composed
two footnotes, which command, on
the average, three-fourths of every
page.
lime that poets refer to as the
literary "flash of insight." With-out
that element of supreme
nausea, a literary genius becomes
what Paul refers to as "Sounding
brass and tinkling symbol."
The castigation of the literary
subterranna concommitantly repar-ations
lonely souls of deficient in-tellect
who pedantically arouse in-furiations
of pastoral poignancy.
HOWEVER, BLATANT collab-orations
between right and wrong
inflame the souls of Republicans
and Democrats alike, inferring at
least that each regards itself the
singular positer of sound and
preachments.
To give capitalism as high a
rung on the emotional ladder
the heresies in the paintings of
Jackson Pollack.
Falcon Heights Elementary
school will present Bizet's grand
opera "Carmen." Dr. A. D. V. Clark
will give a lecture on "The Aes-thetic
Standards of the Bethel Col-lage
Long Range Planning Com-mittee."
On Bethel's campus, Nancy
Robertson will give a barefooted
demonstration of an Eskimo
dance.
St. Paul Civic Opera association
will present an operatic version of
"Hamlet." Outstanding performers
include Barry Goldwater as Ham-let,
Mahalia Jackson as Ophelia
and Dean Martin as the king.
Bethel College Cultural council
will sponsor a one week cultural
tour to Havana, Cuba, between the
next two international crises. Those
interested in going on the tour
should set aside at least an extra
week for interrogation by the
House Committee on Un-American
Activities.
Artist Joan V. Bettle will give
one-woman exhibition of her non-objective,
non-expressionistic, non-chromatic,
non-anything paintings.
The exhibition will be open twenty-four
hours a day and seven days
a week. You all come.
Letter:
SCWA Extends
Annual Thanks
Dear Editor:
At the quarterly business meet-ing
of the combined seminary and
colleges wives' associations we vot-ed
to send you a sincere word of
appreciation for your wonderful
paper, the CARRION.
I always read it from cover to
cover and anxiously look forward
to the day when my husband is
supposed to bring it home.
Thus, it is a joy to renew our
family subscription for another
year, and we again heartily thank
you for your inspiring paper. Keep
up the good work.
Helga Karlson (Mrs.)
Secretary, SCWAs
as, shall we say, Christian pre-cepts,
or to equate the two would
be as silly as a monologic con-versation
between antithetic and
salubrious tabularities.
But somehow the magnificent
phenomena is in its post-natural
exertions. Indeed, eloquence itself
seems to have been born out of
the agonies of disgruntled con-servatism
and the lungs of Lincoln
lie prone, but still warmed by the
heated passion of contemporary
Republican pedants. Surely so
great a love for so dead a man can
only serve to illustrate the maso-chistic
tendencies of modern con-servatism.
THAT MAN is incorrigibly con-temptuous
and lives for the grati-fication
of his basest lusts cannot
be tolerated by us optomists. Man's
propensities toward greed are evi-dent
only because part of his per-sonality
has yet to be sublimated
to what society has chosen to call
"good."
Ample room awaits the cynic
in the tabernacle of intellectual-ism,
for the former derides the
incongruities of traditionalism,
He only has yet to relate the
discernible data to the presuppo-sitions
posited during childhood
to conjure up a neat package of
coherent consistency to which
the gods, mother, country and
little children will innanely ap-plaud.
The intransigence of diabolical
imperturbations ambulatorily ig-nominating
the heroic couplets of
the impervious medieval institu-tions
regulating reality to an un-realistic
position.
For example, a professor ponti-ficating
last week to a great body
of frustrated anti-vivisectionalists
stated "Pudent embolism coalesc-ing
in the posteria aorta . . ."
while drooping eyelids and general
intellectual emasculation protrud-ed
the ignomony of provascular
female caruso's.
And the adamant proliferations
of exuberant anonymity, vis a' vis
vinimcouses vouchsafing convers-ly
juxtopositional vindications, cas-tigate
with illuminative acquie-sence
singularly vaporous tropho-plasms
of academic control.
`Mei leeeh . .
Monday, April 1
April Fools Day
Tuesday, April 2
general apathy week
Wednesday, April 3
Thursday, April 4
Friday, April 5
Saturday, April 6
Monday, April 8
the CARRION
Published during the academic year by the
students of Bethel collage and cemetery,
Across from the Fairgrounds. Subscribers are
insane.
Volume XIXI XILI No. 01
The staff wishes to remain anonymous on
the grounds that they might be incriminated
and have not yet graduated.
Opinions expressed in the CARRION do not
necessarily reflect the position of the collage
or cemetery.
Page 2
the CARRION Monday, April 1, 1963
Phy Ed Finally Receives
True Credit Enumeration
Congratulations are in order to faculty members for their
most recent decision regarding academic policy. An informed
source has reported that the faculty, meeting in closed session,
voted unanimously to effect changes in three areas.
First of all, at the request of the current freshman class,
the credit remuneration for physical education was increased
to an allotment of one and one half credits per semester. The
change was necessitated by the large number of hours which
students were spending outside of class memorizing complex
badminton and ping pong rules and the extra practice time
required in order to pass the skill tests. The extremely compe-titive
pressures involved were also a factor.
After a closer inspection of this program, the faculty also
decided to make physical education a four-year requirement.
Justly concerned with the health of the student body, the fac-ulty
expressed the prevelant opinion of "Whenever in doubt,
require it!" Such action is more than commendatory as it em-phasizes
once again the faculty's desire to ascertain and react
to issues significant to the student body.
Following this action, the faculty granted a long-standing
request by completely eliminating any credit for participation
in music groups. Once again the faculty is to be commended for
their perceptive knowledgeability of the student situation. Here
the faculty correctly reasoned that since those students in-volved
with these activities were wholly and entirely dedicated
to their groups, they would be more than willing to sacrific-ially
contribute hours of their time Besides, the academicity
of this program was surely questionable.
Concomitant with these was the decision to lower the
total credit requirement for graduation, an act in keeping
with decisions made earlier in the year. The total was changed
from 123 credits to an even 100, as it was felt that this number
was more in the context of the current Decade Ten. With the
addition of the eight credits to the physical education program,
this would thus allow each student enough extra time to par-ticipate
in at least one extra-curricular activity.
Administration Heads For
Civil Defense Supplies
An interesting development is reportedly taking place in
the administrative offices on the first floor, for it has been
rumored that the administration has offered to trade locations
with the student offices in the lower level.
No reasons for this proposed change have been revealed
by those involved, but one has only to consider the location
of the survival supplies to realize a partial cause for the switch.
However, the most horrifying aspect of this situation lies
in the fact that with student offices located on the first floor,
they would be so easily accessible to any student enrolled in the
college that there would be little excuse for non-participation.
The effect which this situation might have in creating just
one huge social group on campus has implications of far too
vast a nature to even consider further.
THE BOOK poses only two re-grets,
aside from the space limi-tations.
First, the American college
Tbe 3Inbtx:
Book Looks at What American College
Has Become, Comments Profoundly
And second, the college is still
not providing the complete sort
of family-substitution that today's
students need. Colleges, in a word,
SECTION I , labeled "College expect too much thinking.
Dormitories, Frat Houses and Such
Like" includes such topics in the
sub-section "Dormitories" as "Life
in a Two-person Room," "Life in a
Three-person Room," with more in-teresting
titles under the sub-sec-tion
"Such Like."
LEST THIS seem unequal divi-sion
of labor, it should be pointed
out that Morbury's diligent search
for just the right abstruse and un-intelligible
word for every context
Section IV, "College Intergroup was at least as time-consuming as
Relationships," has five chapters foot-note construction.
on "Why the Faculty Hates the
Administration," "Why the Ad-ministration
Hates the Student
Body and so on around the family
circle.
The work concludes with the
perceptive and highly unique state-ment
that "In conclusion, then, as
we have outlined above, in the
preceding brief summaries . .
students do not attend college
merely as individuals. They attend
in, as, for, of, by and with groups."
aid 'tetra
Founding Father of the I.C.O.N.'s, Dr. Butler, is caught in a medi-tative
stroll around the campus on a spring day. That he seems bur-dened
with some imponderable thought is possible only for those sus-picious
of a subversive tenor to the new movement which he has in-augurated.
Monday, April 1, 1963 the CARRION Page 3 Can You Match This? Philosopher-Rabble-Rouser Initiates
Massive Bethel Art-Object Witch-Hunt Following current trends in educational testing for upperclassmen
at Bethel college, a professor recently submitted the following quiz
to each of his classes. The student was required to match the correct
alphabetical symbol with the corresponding numeral to indicate a
response to the general topic, "Why Prominent Bethelites Were Not in
Chapel."
1. "They wouldn't let me lead,
singing."
2. "I was out of town." A. Dean Larson
3. Smiling and breathy, "The
alumni group I was showing
around campus didn't want to C. Miss Effie Nelson
go."
4. "At this juncture, one must
make a value judgment."
5. "On a day when they're not
taking an offering?"
6. "I was making a dorm chapel
check."
7. "I couldn't pass up the chance
to buy 5,000 pounds of instant
potatoes at 1/3 off."
8. "How can you talk of chapel
when stocks are down three
per cent?"
9. "This question will have to go
to the proper committee. We'll
notify you of our decision."
10. "I was raising the hem of my
spring skirts—one must keep
up with fashion, you know."
Student Crime Ring Steals
Bethel's Rival of Mona Lisa
At the instigation of the Bodien
dorm council a search is being or-ganized
to find a priceless piece
of art that mysteriously disappear-ed
from the Bodien Lounge over
the weekend.
The dorm council issued a state-ment
to the press early today a-bout
the theft. The missing pic-ture
is a portrait of the Mrs. Bo-dien,
patron saint of the dormi-tory.
The president of the dorm
council indicated that the picture
has been missing several times
in the past but has always been
returned. On one occasion the
picture was discovered in the
course of a police search of the
women's dorm, calmly sitting in
the ladies room.
On another occasion the poor
lady was the unwitting witness of
a crime that transpired in the sen-ate
office. And, earlier this school
year, Mrs. Bodien was fondly pre-sented
as a birthday remembrance
to a counselor in the Edgren dor-mitory,
by some youthful prank-sters.
However, dorm council president
Judy Van feels that this recent
theft is of a different nature than
the others which were obviously
intended as good natured fun.
Bethel's Art Treasure
whereby a student's answers to
questions are met immediately by
an affirmative or negative re-sponse.
THIS IS accomplished by flash-ing
the image of a concerned tea-cher
on a screen, an approving
smile designating "Correct" and
an admonishing frown "Incorrect."
The major purpose of THE
TEACHER is to produce students
who can think and express them-selves
imaginatively. According
to one of the English faculty
members, "The thought of hun-dreds
of truly original young
minds pouring forth from Bethel
every year is, well, it's, Well,
it's tremendously exciting."
The invention instills creativity
in several ways. First it insists
upon imaginatively correct rhet-oric.
Thus, a student who composes
a paragraph under THE TEACH-ER's
guidance and omits a topic
sentence is met with the appro-prite
scowl.
A STUDENT not relating every
sentence directly to the topic sen-tence
receives a similar response.
According to his closest associates,
Ernest Hemingway committed sui-cide
shortly after 25 minutes spent
with THE TEACHER.
The device also effectively cor-rects
spelling mistakes. Last
month, a U. of M. student suf-fered
nervous collapse from be-ing
met by an array of 144 leer-ing
faces after feeding a research
paper into THE TEACHER.
However, it is felt that this pun-ishment
is much more educational-ly
effective than merely failing
students who mis-spell.
The third way in which THE
TEACHER inspires originality is
by censoring vague, abstract, and
therefore bad writing. The works
of all significant authors, with the
minor exceptions of philosophers,
theologians, political theorists, sci-
Rallying to the call of President
John F. Kennedy, Dr. Anton Pear-son,
pacifist professor of Old
Testament at Bethel theological
seminary is reported to have or-ganized
a very unusual venture.
After considerable research, Dr.
Pearson has discovered that the
distance around the city of Jericho
seven times was nearly 50 miles,
and has contrived a plan that will
combine the best parts of JFK's
command for physical fitness and
the Lord's command to do away
with those who do not believe as
we do, all without betraying his
pacifist principles.
WHEN ASKED to elucidate his
plan, Dr. Pearson is said to have
said: "I have found that the dis-tance
seven times around the Vati-can
is quite close to the Biblical
distance around Jericho.
"In organizing my 50-mile hike,
I would like to assemble a great
crowd of prominent Protestant
leaders, and finance our trip with
a grant, perhaps, or a downright
gift.
"I recognize, of course, that much
of the difficulty for many of the
An organization has recently
been formed on campus with the
purpose, in the words of its foun-der,
Dr. Roy Butler, "in a very
real sense, to encourage the de-velopment
of a true Christian art."
Dr. Butler has indicated that the
organization is open to both stu-dents
and faculty members alike.
The group will function as a ser-vice
organization. The name of the
group is I.C.O.N. No adequate ex-planation
of what the initials stand
for has been made.
The very first purpose of the
group will be to rid the campus
of those art objects which, ac-cording
to Dr. Butler, "do not
in a very real sense express
through the intrinsicality of the
sensuous content, as a self-con-sistent
whole the basic presup-positions
of Christian theism."
Dr. Butler suggested at the or-ganizational
meeting of the I.C.O.N.
that a member should use as a
test of an art object the question,
"What is it?"
It is believed that more Bethel-ites
will join the organization when
word gets around that when a suf-ficiently
large quantity of unau-thentic
art objects have been col-lected
a torchlight parade and
weiner roast will be held.
Meanwhile, two unidentified
art students have volunteered to
sleep in the art lab until heavier
locks can be put on the doors.
Also, the Bethel authors club is
circulating a petition that But-ler's
library card be revoked.
None of the I.C.O.N. members
would comment on the mysterious
disappearance of the Bodieni from
Bodien lounge.
entists and psychologists, have
been fed into the machine.
Students not conforming to these
standards of expression are, of
course, "frowned upon." Signifi-cantly,
THE TEACHER is con-structed
with a concrete founda-tion
and thus cannot be moved.
The sole criticism offered of
THE TEACHER is that its students
tend to resemble one another. But,
as the old saying goes, "Perfection
Breeds Uniformity."
men would be in learning to blow
a trumpet, so I am suggesting that
we bring along small compressed-air
horns. Certainly this is only
making the Word pertinent to our
day.
"AND RATHER than pitchers,
which are obviously rather heavy
and cumbersome, I suggest that
the men carry canteens, for I'm
sure the walk will be warm.
"Torches would create an inter-esting
effect, but I'm sure that
Ever-ready flashlights will do the
trick nearly as well. It would cer-tainly
be nice to have the Racket
Squad along to help with the shout-ing.
"The entire venture sounds like
a stirring way to spend a summer,
or possibly even an entire sabbati-cal.
If everything goes well, we
may well issue publication rights
for the whole venture to Gospel
Light, rather fitting, I would say."
Silli - gisms
Cheap is almost free.
Slaves are cheap.
Slaves are almost free.
B. Dean Muck
D. President Lundquist
E. Nels Stjernstrom
F. Bob Ricker
G. H. Wyman Malmsten
H. Charles Ferguson
I. Eugene Sprinkel
J. Harold Lidbom
(Answers on p. )
"This is obviously the work of a
professional," remarked Miss Van.
Police suspect that it has been
an inside job, done by some-body
who Mrs. Bodien knew
well and so far no clues to the
case have been discovered.
Senate President Spickelmier
has indicated that the theft is
something which the whole student
body should be concerned about.
It is hinted that unless the pic-ture
is soon recovered the matter
will be discussed at the next sen-ate
meeting scheduled to deal with
significant campus issues.
The English department is to be
commended on its purchase of a
series of new electronic devices
developed by IBM, trade-named
THE TEACHER. The invention pro-vides
for far-reaching possibilities
for the correction of numerable
problems plaguing English stu-dents,
informed sources report.
THE TEACHER operates on an
automatic feedback principle,
English Department Purchases
Genius-Manufacturing Machine
Pacifist Plots Maneuver
To Tumble Down Vatican
As A College
Student
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Page 4
the CARRION
Monday, April 1, 1963
"Wink It! Wink IC' screams veteran tiddly-wink
cheerleader Don Allison as Dr. Roy Dalton pre-pares
to sink another one for the glory of the school.
At latest count, nine separate dormitory teams had
been formed and even the women's office staff was
threatening to organize. Administrative reaction to
the game was varied, but one was heard to comment,
"But what would the constituency say if they knew
that Harvard was doing it too?"
MATCHING ANSWERS
- E
6 - I
2 -D
7 -J
3 - F
8 - G
4 -B
9 - A
5 -H
10 -C In its continual striving to pro-mote
campus-wide physical fitness,
the athletic department has seen
fit to add yet another varsity team
to represent Bethel in inter-colleg-iate
sports competition.
Recently formed is the Bethel
Royal tiddlywink squad, predicted
to be the largest crowd-drawer
since girls' basketball. According
to rumor, coach Gene Glader push-ed
for the formation of a tiddly-winks
team after observing the
high level of interest shown for
the game in the physical education
classes.
Try-outs were held in the field-house
last week where forty to
fifty tiddlywinking hopefuls com-peted
for varsity positions. The
team, reduced to six members,
includes captain Ray "Soft-shot"
Shepherd, Don "Flip" Moore,
Lee "Winker" Bajuniemi, Jim
"Tilt" Nelson, Vince "Slap-shot"
Bloom and Phil "Lucky" Bolin-der.
"Winker" Bajuniemi, the team's
most promising player so far, has
been amazing fellow team mem-bers
and spectators alike with his
spectacular ten foot slop-shot.
Those of you who thrilled to
"Winker's" thirty foot "swishers'
on the basketball court, will be
doubly-thrilled as the wink is flip-ped,
sails end over end through
the air, and settles in the cup with
a resounding "clink," touching
nary a part of the lip of the cup
in the process.
Coaching this year's team will
be Dr. Roy Dalton, a four year
varsity player in his college days
and a constant pusher for the
sport since coming to Bethel. Dr.
Dalton was overheard saying,
"Now I'll show Healy what it's
like to have a winning team at
Bethel."
Roy mentioned last week that
the uniforms for the team would
be white with blue and gold polka
dots.
Some of the opponents on this
year's schedule include the U. of
Minnesota, Harvard, Yale, Colum-bia
and Arkansas State Abnormal.
Glader Organizes Tiddlywinkers,
Says 'Biggest Crowd•Drawer Yet'
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Snidelines
by Ralph Schmeck
Word is out that the athletic department has conformed to the
trend and commissioned coaches Jerry Healy, Owen Halleen and Gene
Glader on a two-month recruiting trip to General conference overseas
missions. Until Healy's wife received a request for extra athletic scholar-ship
funds, no word had been received concerning the trio's where-abouts.
Through subsequent correspondence we have learned of their
recruiting attempts.
Armed with wrist watches and trinkets, the team penetrated the
dark jungles of Africa until they encountered an unusual native.
Perceiving him to be a Ubangi, Healy recommended leaving him
since he was under seven feet. It was reported that Healy questioned
what use such big lips could be, but Halleen immediately disagreed
and signed him up; he could use him for a catcher.
Healy's biggest concern, of course, was finding a substitute for ace
senior basketball player, Lee Bajuniemi. Finding such a substitute re-mained
a puzzle to the recruiters until Glader hit upon a brilliant idea.
The others mutually approved and the group immediately set out for
the nearest Pygmie village. Their hopes, however, were stifled when
they discovered that the village had no Pygmies.
Halleen recognized one of the natives as a Watusi of modest sta-ture.
Finding him friendly, Healy casually sauntered over to him and
stood next to him. Then he timidly looked into his eyes and in his
bashful little way asked, "You playum basketball?" The native smiled,
reached down to pat him on the head and answered, "I dunno, think
I'm tall enough?"
Primarily concerned with building up the football team, Halleen
made it known in all the neighboring villages what he was looking
for. One of the chieftans, somewhat familiar with the game, offered
him an elephant in exchange for a trinket. But Halleen refused,
mumbling something to the effect of what would he want with an
elephant when he had Vince Bloom?
After meeting John Wayne chasing rhinoceros and having coffee
with him at the local coffee shop, the coaches continued their recruit-ing
safari. Glader, who has recently been suspected of feather-bedding
with foam rubber, set as his goal finding someone to run with his
crack distance runner, Fred Purcell. But the closest he could come was
a gazelle with overdrive.
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