So why is this same thing happening all of the time when it comes to the intersection of our identities and oppressions or privileges?

Intent v. Impact

From Paula Deen to Alec Baldwin to your annoying, bigoted uncle or friend, we hear it over and over again: “I never meant any harm…” “It was never my intent…” “I am not a racist…” “I am not a homophobe…” “I’m not a sexist…”

I cannot tell you how often I’ve seen people attempt to deflect criticism about their oppressive language or actions by making the conversation about their intent.

At what point does the “intent” conversation stop mattering so that we can step back and look at impact?

After all, in the end, what does the intent of our action really matter if our actions have the impact of furthering the marginalization or oppression of those around us?

In some ways, this is a simple lesson of relationships.

If I say something that hurts my partner, it doesn’t much matter whether I intended the statement to mean something else – because my partner is hurting.

I need to listen to how my language hurt my partner. I need to apologize.

And then I need to reflect and empathize to the best of my ability so I don’t do it again.

But when we’re dealing with the ways in which our identities intersect with those around us – and, in turn, the ways our privileges and our experiences of marginalization and oppression intersect – this lesson becomes something much larger and more profound.

This becomes a lesson of justice.

What we need to realize is that when it comes to people’s lives and identities, the impact of our actions can be profound and wide-reaching.

And that’s far more important than the question of our intent.

We need to ask ourselves what might be or might have been the impact of our actions or words.

And we need to step back and listen when we are being told that the impact of our actions is out of step with our intents or our perceptions of self.

Identity Privilege and Intent

After all, as a person of privilege, I can never fully understand the ways in which oppressive acts or language impact those around me. What I surely can do is listen with every intent to understand, and I can work to change my behavior.

Because what we need to understand is that making the conversation about intent is inherently a privileged action.

The reason?

It ensures that you and your identity (and intent) stay at the center of any conversation and action while the impact of your action or words on those around you is marginalized.

So if someone ever tells you to “check your privilege,” what they may very well mean is: “Stop centering your experience and identity in the conversation by making this about the intent of your actions instead of their impact.”

That is: Not everything is about you.

“What They Did” vs. “What They Are”

The incredible Ill Doctrine puts it well when he explains the difference between the “What They Did” conversation and the “What They Are” conversation, which you can watch here.

In essence, the “intent” conversation is one about “what they are.”

Because if someone intended their action to be hurtful and racist/sexist/transphobic/pickyourpoison, then they must inherently beracist/sexist/transphobic/pickyourpoison.

On the other hand, the “impact” conversation is one about “what they did.”

For you, it takes the person who said or did the hurtful thing out of the center and places the person who was hurt in the center. It ensures that the conversation is about how “what they did” hurts other people and further marginalizes or oppresses people.

And it’s important for people to understand the difference.

Just because you did something sexist doesn’t mean that you are sexist. Just because you said something racist doesn’t mean that you are racist.

When your actions are called into question, it’s important to recognize that that’sall that is being called into question – your actions, not your overall character.

Listen. Reflect. Apologize. Do Better.

It doesn’t matter whether we, deep down, believe ourselves to be __________-ist or whether we intended our actions to be hurtful or _________-ist.

It.Doesn’t.Matter.

If the impact of our actions is the furthering of oppression, then that’s all that matters.

So we need to listen, reflect, apologize, and work to do better in the future.

What does that look like?

Well, to start, we can actually apologize.

I don’t know about you, but I am sick of hearing the ““I am sorry your face got in the way of my Frisbee! I never intended to hit you” apologies.

Whether it’s Paula Deen weeping on TV or Alec Baldwin asking us to simply trust that he’s not a “homophobe,” those are not apologies.

They apologized earnestly and accepted the role they played in something really terrible. hey pledged to never allow projects like this one to be funded in the future. And then they donated $25,000 to RAINN.

At the interpersonal level, we can take a cue from Kickstarter.

When we are told that the impact of our action, inaction, or words is hurtful and furthers oppression, we can start by apologizing withoutany caveats.

From there, we can spend the time to reflect in hopes of gaining at least some understanding (however marginal) of the harmful impact.

About Everyday Feminism

Everyday Feminism supports people dealing with everyday violence, dominance, and silencing due to their gender, sexual orientation, race, class, and more. Through our online magazine and upcoming online school for applied feminism, we help people apply feminism to their real lives in order to work through issues, stand up for themselves, and live their truth. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter!

Can’t agree here. I actually use a variant of this argument all the time: accidentally stepping on someone’s foot versus stomping on it on purpose. Yeah, either way it hurts. But ontent matters. This idea that someone, somewhere must be assigned blame for everything wrong that happens is why we have such a entitled and litigatious society. Intent absolutely matters. That’s why things are called accidents, not on-purposements.

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Jessica

3 years 10 days ago

Essentially, a well written example of emotional intelligence. From interpersonal conflict resolution to understanding the lives of others and how they navigate social constructs, Mr. Utt show how listening and empathizing can affect personal, social, and global understanding and change.

Our words and how we use them say much about who we are. What do your words say about you?

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WillJaye

3 years 18 days ago

To say “intentions don’t matter” is to say that, “whenever somebody is offended, somebody else did something wrong”. People sometimes get offended over imaginary slights. People sometimes read malice into innocent statements. And there are people who seem to actively seek out reasons to be offended. Every expression of offense isn’t deserving of an apology. And demanding apologies for every offense strips other people of their integrity and their ability to speak their minds and hearts.

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Todd Clary

3 years 1 month ago

This is patent idiocy and an obvious product of more political correctness run amok. Equivocating the intent of my words to physically hitting someone in the face with a frisbee? Really? That’s the best the writer can do? If I say something — anything — to anyone, and they take particular offense to it they get to bring up to me directly. I might say “I’m sorry you took offense to that,” or “No, that isn’t what I meant. What I mean was x, y, and z.” And then that’s the end of it. There is nothing admirable in allowing… Read more »

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Paul

2 years 9 months ago

If my intentions don’t matter, do I?

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Mostly_123

3 years 1 month ago

Agreed. I think you hit the nail on the head there Todd- the errant notion that it is somehow right and proper for some to hijack another’s intentions, for the sake of their own agenda or emotional gratification; the article argues for acquiescence, under the guise of understanding & consideration.

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Roopesh Shenoy

2 years 10 months ago

I think these comments don’t understand the context of the article – Intentions absolutely DO NOT matter when you have said something stupid (racist or sexist for e.g.). And there are plenty of such situations where people resort to “I am sorry you got offended..” when a “I’m sorry, I was wrong, let me do what I can to fix this” is much more appropriate.

On the other hand, it is pretty self-evident when the person who was offended is unreasonable – this article is not speaking about those situations.

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Mostly_123

2 years 8 months ago

Ah, yes- but who’s to say what is or isn’t “unreasonable”? That’s the key. While I do agree than many people do say ‘I’m sorry you got offended’ (which is not really an apology or request for pardon at all) when they should be saying ‘I’m sorry for what I did, and I’d like to make it better’ and that’s not something that should be forgotten. However, the underlying point of contention though is, according to the article here, that anyone and everyone BUT ourselves is to judge what is ‘unreasonable’ and that’s what I think is so insidious… Read more »

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wellokaythen

3 years 1 month ago

Let’s apply the article’s logic to the article itself. When I read this article, I felt invaded. I felt sad. I felt hurt. This article caused me pain and sadness. The author of the article caused pain and sadness inside me. I want the author to know that whether she intended those effects or not, I felt them keenly. I want the author to see that her words have consequences to other people. Saying you did not mean to offend me is no excuse Now, however the author responds to this will be exactly the way that I will respond… Read more »

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DVT

3 years 1 month ago

It’s currently a crime to cross state lines with the intent to have sexual contact with a minor. Just the intention to do so. So, you’re suggesting that we overturn that law? No harm done, no effect on the minor, intention matters very little, so no reason to have that law.

Great! And to take it a step further…what is the mechanism or shadow we have to do the actions or say the words that co-create the impact? When I unintentionally impact another, I am saying something by my actions….’I don’t care about you.’ ‘I’m privileged and you are not.’ ‘I don’t see you.’ It’s saying something about my own state of awareness or lack of. It’s my duty to look at self and not just apologize for my actions or words that created the impact….but to own the truth of where it came from.

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DVT

3 years 1 month ago

But, one can’t have it both ways. If intention does not matter, only effects, then there’s no reason to waste time analyzing a man’s motivations. You can’t say that good intentions make no difference AND nail a man for having bad intentions like a sense of entitlement, defending his privilege, apathy, etc. If intentions don’t matter, then it doesn’t matter whether I really care about someone else or not. The goal seems to be to make other people feel like you care about them, whether I actually care about them or not?

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DavidK

3 years 2 months ago

Going around apologizing for things when in your opinion you’ve done nothing wrong is not the way to go imo….plenty of articles on here about always being the one to say sorry and becoming the other person’s doormat. If two people are constantly stepping on each others’ toes, perhaps they need to learn a better way to communicate, or perhaps they need to get the hell out of Dodge. Just cos someone got hurt doesn’t mean it’s your fault cos you said something. Yes…..accept they are hurt…care for them, allow them to process their hurt but apologize for something you… Read more »

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Marc

3 years 2 months ago

While I generally agree wholeheartedly that it’s actions that count more than intentions, there are a lot of common misunderstandings. For instance, if I look at friend and say “nice pants” innocently complimenting his pants, he may take it sarcastically, if he is feeling insecure in his choice of pants. Modern psychology tells us that we are responsible for our own feelings for a reason. Everything we feel is an interpretation of our environment, through our own lenses, colored by our own experiences. So while what I said to my friend was intended as a compliment, it was taken as… Read more »

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Mr Supertypo

3 years 2 months ago

I dont know about this, reading this article to me it seem the bloggist sees everything in black and white. If you step on my feet intentionally or not I will step on yours, eye for an eye, vendetta! Welcome to the zebra world. I disagree intent matter. Is there intention to hurt you or it was a incident? we are 7 billion people on this planet….I dont believe everybody who walks into you on the street does that with purpose. Do you believe this? to me it sound more like a mental desise…..a hint of insanity. My two cents,… Read more »

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wellokaythen

3 years 1 month ago

That may be a bit unfair. There’s a little bit of nuance, because there’s actually a double standard at work. Men get no credit for good intentions, but get full blame for having bad intentions. It’s black and white, but like a chessboard. Not a big chessboard. More like a 2×2 chessboard.

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Steve

3 years 2 months ago

I was thinking the same thing. Seeing things as either/or is what a zealot does. Just because one matters more, that means only one of them matters? That’s a little screwy.

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Mr Supertypo

3 years 2 months ago

yes its true, I read the article and wrote my mind, now I saw your commentarie I can see we share a similar opinion. Zealot? yes I agree, and I find that kinda disturbing…

It’s fascinating how this article and discussion only deals with negative outcomes like injuries. If you really believed that effects matter and intentions don’t, then you’d have to apply the same argument to POSITIVE outcomes as well. If you like something someone says, then you have to assume that person was trying to please you. If you benefit from a situation, then you have to assume that someone wanted you to benefit. If there’s no difference between intended and unintended outcomes, then you should be grateful for anyone who unintentionally helps you, because that’s the same as someone who intentionally… Read more »

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wellokaythen

3 years 2 months ago

Obviously intention does matter. Intent should not be used as an excuse for bad behavior, and it should not be used to ignore effects of behavior, but it does have a place. If intent does not matter, and the only thing that matters are the effects, then that means you have to treat everyone who offends you as someone who *intended* to offend you. Every hurt was intended to hurt you. There are no accidents and no unintended consequences. Everything offensive is directly and overtly offensive. There are no coincidences. That driver who rear-ended you must have done that on… Read more »

Quoting “elissa” above: “Intent matters far too much to allow it to take a back seat to impact. Tribal conflicts and long standing feuds survive and flourish on the story telling of “impact” to pride and ego. Genocides have been rationalized based on imagined “impact” – taking of land, jobs, wealth, culture etc On the flip side and in full agreement that intent is not the final arbiter to all that is good and proper. Uncovering the real intent behind an action can be daunting at times and lead in several directions.” PS This is where things can get very… Read more »

I read the article and the “comments” which followed and agree with both…..apologies are good and caring responses no matter what………AND intentions DO matter. I have been in relationships with women (and men) where what was important to them was DRAMA….so everything, no matter if intentional or not, had to be dealt with as though it were intentional. “My feelings got hurt when you……(fill in the blank)…..! life became one apology after another until one was apologizing for the simple act of living in the world. Anything can be taken to extreems. In the end loving is the central response……both… Read more »

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James

3 years 2 months ago

To be sure intent and impact are unpredictable in their correlation. One does have a responsibility for ones’s impact, but to what extent? One can surely imagine a version of this “philosophy” put into practice with an insurmountable workload as a result no?

[…] write my own post about intent or intentions in relation to actions. But, then I came across this post on The Good Men Project‘s website. I think this author has a way better handle on words and […]

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Devon

3 years 6 months ago

Wow – overthinking it much?? If you get hit in the face by a rogue frisbee, yea that is TOTALLY different than if someone throws it directly at you. Sure, it hurts either way, but it’s missing that crucial edge – the “I was just ASSAULTED” edge…

The point about privilege is an interesting one. I would say in many respects the one who is being offended is the one in the privileged position, because they get to be the one to have the final “moral” say on the outcome of the incident. The buck stops where they say “I’m offended”, and many people will abuse that and maybe even get high on the little power rush that gives them. Imagine for instance a religious fundamentalist who is “offended” by the way a woman dresses in a short skirt. Should she be apologising to him for the… Read more »

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Carol

3 years 6 months ago

What about the apology part? I am uncomfortable with the concept of apologizing. It ties in with this conversation to the degree that apologizing somehow lessens the impact. Aren’t apologies just another way of trying to take away the intent? Id rather hear “I recognize that what I said was hurtful/inappropriate etc..”

I’m finding this conversation interesting. Recently I was accused of being very hurtful to someone, however her demands of an apology were out of line. She was feeling hurt because of things I DID NOT do, rather than things I did. For example, I did not respond to good news she shared with me in the way she wanted me to respond. I frequently find this person difficult to be with. Is my lack of interest in her good news an intention?. Her accusations of my being hurtful are based on her own desire to have people react to her… Read more »

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Chad

3 years 11 months ago

I couldn’t disagree more. Intention absolutely does matter. It doesn’t change the facts, doesn’t change what happened, or change the impact, however it does matter.

When a person buys you a gift, should we be more concerned with the impact of said gift ? or the thought behind it?

When someone actively commits an assault against me (physical, verbal, or otherwise) I’m more upset that they’re TRYING to hurt me, rather what they’re actually doing.