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I seriously suck at updating this thing, oops. Actually opened WordPress about a week ago and then… Got distracted, I guess.

I’ve been annoyingly sick for over two weeks now, that kind of sick where it’s horrible and you can barely function, and then it gets better and you think you are in the clear, and then it gets horrible again… Rinse repeat about five times. I’m currently feeling better, but dunno if it’ll last.

Decided not to do any New Year’s Resolutions this year, after realizing how horribly my 2017 resolutions went. Instead I’m just going to keep making short-term to-do lists, because that seems to kinda sorta work for me. Sorta. My current major goal is to read one book by the end of the month. Technically I should read 4 books by the end of the month if I want to be on track for my LibraryThing goal of reading 50 books this year, but I really doubt that would happen and I’m not in the mood to push myself with it.

My other goals for the rest of the month are mostly computer-related… Downloading more songs from my list (I’ve got almost 15 artists on that list), read some of my friend’s Glee fanfic that I started reading forever-ago and then Life Happened, and do a few pages of dragons on DragonCave (online adoptables game I’m totally addicted to). On the game there is a semi-new feature called Groups, where you can sort your dragons into groups based on any criteria you choose. I had 27 different Groups, mostly just grouping my different ‘clans’ together, but then I decided I wanted a specific group for all my dragons with messy lineages… I have over 5,600 dragons, and I’m certainly not familiar with all their lineages, so I’m in the process of going through every single dragon to see which ones to add to that group. … It’s going to take forever.

I would really like to get back into writing… I still haven’t written a darn thing. I *want* to write that Amanda-story scenebunny, or continue Alexz-story, or figure out where the heck I’m going with Remy-story-sequel, but… I just can’t seem to get my mind into it.

Hello. So yeah, NaNoWriMo just didn’t happen for me this month. Every single day I think about writing something, anything, but I gave up on actually doing NaNo weeks ago. It’s really strange, because this is the first time I’ve *ever* not done NaNo when it hasn’t been because I’m so completely depressed and/or suicidal. Earlier this month I wondered if my dis-interest in NaNo was maybe a sign of my depression coming back, but I’ve been fairly okay the last few weeks. Had a couple anxiety attacks, but nowhere near what it used to be, and no serious depression at all. I’ve never really experienced not wanting to write without it being because of my mental state, and I’m sort of not sure what to do about it.

I still have those ideas, both the new story ideas and the ideas about continuing Amanda-story-sequel, and I still want to write those eventually. I also recently acquired a new Amanda-story scenebunny, not the sequel but the original story, because writing stories out of order means there are almost always little parts in the storyline that I skip over and may not write for a long time (… or never write). With Amanda-story I skipped the 2-3 weeks in between them getting their “normal” relationship back on track, and the ending revelation. It may even need to be a month or so in between. I wrote the first couple days of it and then just skipped to writing the ending. So this new scenebunny takes an idea that stems from the way Amanda views their relationship, and kind of adds a little acknowledgement of that from Meg into the last couple weeks of the story. I think it could add something to their dynamic, if only it being that Meg is showing Amanda that she knows and understands how Amanda feels about things. It may even make the ending better, since it will better show that Amanda’s end-revelation is a step forward from how she thought of their relationship before. So I’d like to write that… Eventually. Whenever my muse/motivation/etc comes back.

In reading news… I haven’t been, not much. Finished my two LibraryThing Early Reviewer books that I was struggling with (not struggling because they sucked, just because I wasn’t in a reading mindset) and posted reviews for them. Have one more Early Reviewer book that needs to be read/reviewed, but haven’t started it and probably won’t for another week or so.

My reading priority right now is finishing the beta of my friend’s awesome story, the beta that I really should’ve been done with by now… Originally I had wanted to be done with it by the end of October so I could concentrate on NaNo this month, but yeah that didn’t happen at all. And I’ve recently been informed that my memory seriously sucks, because a part in this story that made me *freak out* with surprise and confusion and excitement was apparently in the first draft that I read a few years ago?? Totally don’t remember that at all. Which I guess is good, in a way, since the less I remember about the old draft the better I can be about looking at this version with new eyes? *shrugs*

Okay. So. It’s currently a tiny bit into November 5th, and I have written exactly ZERO words for NaNo so far. Nothing. Nothing at all. Not even a few rambling sentences. Nothing. And I want to, I want to so freaking badly, but it’s just… Not happening.

I have two semi-coherent ideas, one about a girl that goes to a boarding school and falls in love with her roommate, and the other that I think I mentioned awhile back about childhood friends getting reacquainted and falling in love. They are both interesting concepts where I have a couple ideas for scenes that I’d like to write, but neither of them are really grabbing me… That “omg I must write this! Omg these characters are awesome! Omg what on earth just happened here?!” that always happens when I get totally into a story idea, it’s just not there.

I love Remy-story-sequel dearly, this particular story-world is by *far* the longest thing I’ve ever written, both wordcount-wise and time-wise, I love the characters and I love the storyline and a part of me never wants to finish it because I can’t imagine not writing it anymore. And yet doing it for NaNo isn’t really possible right now I don’t think, I’m completely stuck with the current plotline. There is another plotline earlier in the story that I never finished writing out, and technically I guess I could try working on that, but I don’t know.

Amanda-story-sequel is something that *could* be finished as-is, the last part I wrote could work as a fairly good ending, the promise to forget about the little slip-up and just keep what they have without really examining what the slip-up could mean beyond “it shouldn’t have happened”. But then, what if it didn’t end there? Because, now that Amanda has made one slip-up, it’s possible it could happen again. And what then? If it happens again would Meg make good on her threat to move out? What would happen if Amanda’s husband found out about the slip-up, would he freak out, would he kick Meg out, would he possibly think about leaving Amanda, or is it possible he would be understanding? The more I think about it the more I want to continue this story and see where it might go. So, I guess I could try to continue this for NaNo… Although I severely doubt even these new ideas have the possibility of 50,000 words.

I once again forgot to update for awhile, oops. Well, I read three of the five library books that I’d mentioned last post, took them back because I was at my renewal limit, and then went back like a week later and checked out the ones I hadn’t read again. However, I currently have THREE LibraryThing Early Reviewer books in my possession that I need to read and review. I’m like 3/4ths of the way through one, but it’s very information-heavy with statistics and such, so it’s taking awhile to get through it (I also have like a whole page of notes on what I’ve read so far so I can do an accurate review).

Writing… Yeah. That story idea I mentioned last post? Kinda died. I have like maybe 15-20k worth of story figured out, but then it just… Won’t go any further. I can’t seem to figure out anything more, figure out where to go with it from there. I’m hoping that if I kind of ignore it for a few weeks I’ll be able to come up with something solid. Right now I’m poking at my Alexz story; One of my New Year’s Resolutions was to finish my Alexz story, and I have literally written nothing at all on it this year. If I Rebel for NaNo this year, the way I did last year, and work on two stories, between the new idea and finishing Alexz story I could probably get to 50k. It’s just… As much as I *want* to finish Alexz story, and as much as I love the plot and the characters, it just isn’t really grabbing me right now. Basically, I’ve written most of the Big Plot-Driving Scenes (writing out of order as always), and now most of what’s left is just the 2 1/2 weeks of touring and shopping and such, which isn’t totally boring but I just can’t seem to get interested in writing it. *sigh*

I’m also betaing a wonderful, lovely, exciting novel for a dear friend in hopes that she can eventually publish it. So that’s been taking much of my writerly-brain concentration lately. In general I don’t really read sci-fi or fantasy (there are exceptions, like The Catalyst and sequel by Helena Coggan, and of course City of Hope and Ruin by Kit Campbell and Siri Paulson, but those are exceptions). But certain authors I’ll read pretty much anything they write because their *writing* is just so awesome, so the genre doesn’t really matter, and this friend that I’m betaing for is one of those authors. So yeah, that’s fun.

Okay, so, someone needs to remind me that this blog of mine exists and that I should updated it more often. Camp NaNo was a bust, struggled the first four days, writing a total of 300 words, before I realized it just wasn’t going to happen and I needed to stop forcing it.

I have read two books in the last month. *sigh* I have four (five?) library books that are due in two weeks that I haven’t started. I have a LibraryThing Early Reviewer book that I received three weeks ago that I haven’t started, and it’s not that it doesn’t look interesting, it’s just… I don’t know. Just can’t concentrate on it.

Been back at work for a few weeks now, it’s… Going okay, I guess? 3 hours a day, two days a week, there is a little anxiety but nothing too bad. I get kind of overheated at work, though… The weather here has been 103-108 degrees in the afternoons, and while work does have air conditioning it never seems to reach the storage areas where I work most.

I have a… Very tentative story idea for November NaNo. Like many of my stories, it started out based on something that happened in my life, a girl I was close with when I was a kid and we lost touch for a long time, and then briefly resumed contact and at that point I kind of had a crush on her but never told her. She was… Kind of a wild teenager at that point, and sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we’d remained in touch, or if I’d told her how I felt. This story idea takes that and runs with it, and then my muse decided to throw a few interesting curve balls into the mix, and I think I might have the beginnings of something. It’s all in my head for now, haven’t done any actual outlining or anything, just kind of seeing where my thoughts take it for now.

So yeah, I was in the hospital for nineteen days this month. Unconscious for two weeks, breathing tube, very fuzzy memories. My family traveled to see me while I was in the hospital but I remember very little. I am home now, and doing better, but having trouble with emotions. Trying to get back into therapy.

Reading: I haven’t been. Not since I got out of the hospital. I’m still semi on target for the 75-books-in-2017 reading challenge, and I did finish listening to Furiously Happy again the other day. I started reading an old BabySitter’s Club favorite, Kristy and the Secret of Susan, but haven’t gotten very far. Finally received my March LibraryThing Early Reviewer book and started reading that, but it’s kind of stupid.

Writing: I haven’t been. Tomorrow starts July Camp NaNo, and I signed up, but I don’t know if I’m going to do it. I signed up with a goal of 15k, which is only 500 words a day and if I push myself I know I could do it, but… I just don’t really want to. I don’t know what the heck I would write, either. I’m stuck on Remy-sequel, and all I have left to write of Amanda-sequel is a few filler scenes. Unless I decide that the “end” I wrote isn’t really the end, which is something I’ve been toying with… There’s a lot I could do with Amanda-sequel, if I let myself expand it more. Lots of interesting scenarios Amanda and Meg could get into. I worry about dragging it on too long though, and writing myself into a corner… If I continue the story past what I have now, what would happen to their relationship? I always intended for Amanda to stay married to Daniel, that was never in question. Until I wrote Amanda coming onto Meg while drunk. It’s funny how sometimes the things that you end up writing surprise you. I didn’t expect that Amanda would ever long for what she used to have with Meg, certainly never act on that longing. The story could go a whole different direction now, if I chose to write it.

Camp NaNo is over for April and I managed to write 67k. That’s more then double what my increased goal was, which makes me feel really good. About 55k of that is Amanda-story sequel. The rest is Remy-story sequel.

I haven’t written much since April ended, though. I’ve written half of a scene in the original Amanda-story, because there are some parts I skipped over and I would like to fill those out. Like the week of taking care of a fake baby for school. Or the Thanksgiving storyline that I just kind of abandoned. Or the three weeks (?) between going down to the canyon and Amanda running away. I really need to fill out those parts.

Been reading a lot. Finished my library books and took them back. I was sorting through my location tags on LibraryThing, making sure everything was where it said it was, and I got nostalgic over my BabySitter’s Club books. So I’m reading some of them again. Finished two in the last four days, and have one more I want to read. These are all books I’ve read multiple times before, and I really should be concentrating more on my To-Be-Read bookcase instead of re-reading stuff, but it’s just so wonderful to re-read sometimes. I’m struggling with the idea of re-reading some of my Torey Hayden books… They are hard to read, emotionally, but so damn *GOOD*. I’ve read 40 books so far this year and I’m going to keep the momentum as much as possible.

The last week or so I’ve been feeling really lousy, very overly-emotional and cry-y and stuff. I thought it was ToM, but then that went away and the emotions stayed. I worried that it might be a depression settling in, but the last two days have been fairly good. I haven’t had a major depression since I discovered Jenny Lawson back in September, and I fully credit her awesomeness for that. It was a turning point in my life, becoming a part of her “tribe” and learning about Furiously Happy. I know better then to think that my depression is truly gone, but it’s much more manageable now.

Camp is going great. In fact I’ve raised, and then reached, my goal multiple times. I’m currently at 38,991 words out of 30k, because I refuse to raise my goal yet again. I’m just going to keep going and see how far I get. I’m attempting to keep a 2k average each day, and that’s been going well despite one day where I wrote nothing. This month I had a day where I wrote the most I have *ever* written in one day, a bit over 4k. That felt good.

As far as the novels themselves… Remy-sequel is stalling, because I can’t seem to get my mind into it. I’ve started writing the first therapy scene, and I think it’s going well, but… Meh. Amanda-sequel is flourishing, despite having NO clue what the ending will be or where it is going. I never intended for Amanda and her husband to break up, but there have now been hints of that, which… I’m confused about. Can Amanda and Meg stay together without it coming in between Amanda and her husband? I don’t know.

I have been reading slowly. Read a couple R.L. Stine books from the library, they were so-so, not great. I currently have two more books from the library that I need to read before Saturday, but they are both sort of slow and boring and I keep putting them down. I have read 31 books so far this year, so I *think* I’m kind of on target for my 75-books-in-2017 challenge? I don’t know if I can keep it up though. And that is counting the Furiously Happy audiobook which I just constantly listen to on repeat. Hey, it counts!

It’s April 1st, which means it’s the start of Camp NaNoWriMo. I’ve started out with a low goal of 15k for the month, because frankly I have no clue what I’m doing. I’m working on both Amanda’s sequel and Remy’s sequel, and I did a tiny bit of outlining last night, but the outlining is literally like three scenes worth, and I’m not sure where I’m going from there.

I started writing at midnight last night, just to get a few paragraphs down. On Amanda’s sequel. Meg needs to tell her girlfriend that Amanda is back in her life. And tell her the truth about her relationship with Amanda. That’s not going well (for Meg, I mean). I had a lot to do today and didn’t really spend as much time on writing as I should have, and when I looked at my wordcount I thought maybe I had around 800 words? …. Turns out I wrote over 2k today without realizing it. Yay?

I read all eleven Horse Diaries books that I got from the library. They were good, and I’ve put the other three books in the series on my wishlist. I really like that each book in the series deals with pieces of true history, like World War 2, or the Oregon Trail. And they all had such beautiful illustrations that I scanned some of them so I can print them out and make a collage of them at a later date.

If I remember correctly one of my New Years Resolutions was to read 20 books this year. In the past week I have read five Nancy Drew Clue Crew books from the library. Clue Crew is for younger readers, and takes place when Nancy is eight years old. They are rather simple and in all but one of the books I read the solution to the mystery was beyond obvious, but they are nice little books with good illustrations. At one point in my life (several years ago) I claimed that I wanted to read every single Nancy Drew book in existence. Nowadays I might amend that a little, because I have no interest whatsoever in the newer graphic novels, but I really do love Nancy Drew in (almost) every form.

I have caved in and started writing Amanda-story sequel. *headdesks* I had it in my head for like two weeks before I finally caved. I haven’t written much, maybe 1k or so, only one scene so far. But I’m kind of curious to see how I can possibly push this. In this sequel it is ten years after they graduate high school (so about thirteen years from the end of the last novel), and Amanda is now married with an adopted daughter. Which means things are different, when Meg and Amanda reconnect, but there is still that raw pull between them and they both want to rekindle what they once had (although Meg will vehemently deny that at first). I can see this going several different ways, although I would like for Amanda to stay married. So I’m poking at it and writing a little and just kind of seeing where it goes. If I can get more of an idea for the overall arc of the plot before April I might be doing it for April’s Camp.

Camp. April’s Camp NaNoWriMo. That’s a thing, I do it every year, but I have not decided what to do for it. I need a firmer grasp on Amanda-sequel’s plot, if I were to do that. I also have Remy-sequel, where I need to figure out what Allison is ultimately going to do, and if they can get past Remy cheating. I don’t want to split them up, that was never my plan, but trust has been shattered. OH, and speaking of Remy-sequel, a friend (HI DI!) gave me a really good idea for a twist to the whole cheating plot line, and I might have to write that out too and see where it takes me.