Wednesday, March 11, 2015

March Secret Agent #5

TITLE: Curse of the Blue Flash
GENRE: YA Contemporary

I have a sleep disorder.

No one knows about it.

At night with the completely still surroundings, everyone else sleeps and I stay awake. This insomnia like sleep disorder stems from every night when my eyes close, the place I can still remember dreams, I fall in love with him all over again.

Hearing him, his faint voice pool in the darkness of my eyelids “Lacie, please - please don’t die…” is what I live for. That moment when I hear him, I slightly open my eyes; barely permitting enough light in from the antique street lamp that shines in my bedroom window. This stimulates my senses. Wanting him to call my name again, I wait as my vision blurs starring at the stark white window panes. Then I see his face, amazing, my body goes numb.

I force myself not to fall asleep.

The dark of night floods my room; I sense his soul in my room, in my bed. Our own private world, the world that stops and no one else resides in. No parents, no friends trying to interfere in our relationship. I created the disorder all on my own. This place among the silent darkness, my concealed eyes track back and forth to find clues about him and how I can find him, to speak to him, to say thank you for saving my life.

My ‘dream boy’, whom I met briefly a few years back when I was trying to change my shy image.

5 comments:

I like the idea of a sleep disorder that she created. The sentence "this insomia" is a little difficult to read and follow. You may want to think of exactly what you are trying to convey, and they reword it. Also, I think insomnia-like needs a hyphen.Congrats.

I really like your concept- it's intriguing, and I love your first two sentences. The wording in some of your sentences is a tad confusing, and I noticed a few punctuation issues. I think two of your sentences would be much more powerful if re-written for clarity: the one beginning "This insomnia..." and also "Hearing him..." Overall, I'm quite curious about your character and would read more!

I like the premise of your story, but I think the wording, especially in the first paragraph is a little confusing. Also, I think insomnia like sleep disorder should be hyphenated: insomnia-like sleep disorder. Or you could just call it insomnia.

Our own private world, the world that stops and no one else resides in - I would change the wording here. It sounds a little awkward.

Overall, I like the beginning of this story. I think you just need to re-word some of your sentences to make things a little clearer.

A quick note that this could use a bit of a polish for grammar and syntax. Aside from that, I think there's room for you to be a bit defter here in the way that you reveal information. The fact that your character has this insomnia-inducing obsession is a fun starting place, but the way that she reveals this truth felt a bit forced to me.

The information was presented in a manner that felt very self-conscious. It felt a bit (sorry to pull this one out) tell-y rather than show-y. If this is something that she experiences on a nightly basis it must be normalized on some level so it seems a bit odd that she would be talking about it this way. Could you try reworking it so that the reader is experiencing his presence with her rather than having your character explain herself to the reader?

I think this is a really intriguing topic! I agree that it feels a little tell-y, but I think it can be made stronger with some polishing. I would suggest removing the first two lines entirely, and starting with "At night with the completely still surroundings, everyone else sleeps and I stay awake." That immediately makes me want to know, why?

I think if you streamline your sentences and perhaps have some shorter ones interspersed, your subject will shine through. Good luck!