Jane Peyton, volunteer outreach coordinator for the Greyote Rescue League, will oversee the Feline-Canine Fashion Show (to benefit the local chapter of Animal Hoarders Anonymous). Highlights include Persian cat hair wigs, hair extensions and shoulder bags modeled by Shari Bing (author of the Vegan Margarita Diet Cookbook) and a song-and-dance tribute to “Cats” by local politician and pianist Dina Canady. Rumor has it that ambulance-chaser/stand-up comic Craig Barkin might make a surprise appearance (leaving his own birthday party) to do his famous dog jokes and Huckleberry Hound impersonations.

09/07/2012

A naked 42-year-old Massachusetts man was apprehended when he attempted to enter the Wapatusset Middle School at 7:48 a.m. on Wednesday, the second day of school. Witnesses say he was banging on the locked door and yelling into the intercom.
“He kept repeating something about forgetting his French homework and his locker combination. I couldn’t really make out what he was saying,” said the school secretary.

Man's "worst nightmare" realized.

Police chief Liam O’Liam (above) said the man was released after his wife [name withheld by request] posted bail. The wife declined to be interviewed but said she thought her husband, an executive at a Boston business firm [name withheld by request], "might have taken an extra Ambien" the night before.

10/11/2011

Three long-time, blue-blooded members of the prestigious Speedwell Guild were held overnight in a Wapatusset holding cell following a skirmish outside Mr. O’Fooley's Irish Riviera Pub in the village Sunday night. Details are still unclear, but according to witnesses there were heated arguments concerning Invisibines® wind turbines on a disputed Pilgrim settlement and "something about Narraganset Beer."

Chief Liam O’Liam was brought to the scene (actually, he was already at the scene, sitting on his unofficial bar stool) and called in back-up to bring the situation under control.

Two members of the Bored Selectmen also happened to be at the scene (in their unofficial booth), and sprang to action to attempt to mediate. The Selectwoman tried to break up the fight, beginning yet another one of her "In the words of Rodney King..." speeches, but was pummelled with pickled eggs. In the end they all agreed to blame the Water Department.

The following morning, Chief O'Liam agreed to release the Speedwell Three, as they're now being called, but this was after the Bored Selectmen had already agreed to postponed the Columbus Day Parade.

07/15/2011

Last week’s high heat and humidity resulted in a record number of calls and complaints. Due to the TMG staff’s relaxed summer schedule (and the even more relaxed summer schedule of insubordinate unpaid interns), we are forced to present a much abbreviated account of this week’s happenings.

7/16, 3:52pm – Harried housewife beats seagull to death with Jimmy Choo sandal on Sandy Beach. Blames husband and heatstroke. [Note: This incident is in no way related to the Flock of Seagulls death reported in January 2011 - ed.]

03/17/2011

Police chief Liam O’Liam decided yesterday to postpone Wapatusset’s annual St. Patty’s Day Parade due to threats of protests from multiple groups.

Representatives from two local union chapters and a busload of college students from Citizens Against Ethnic Stereotypes arrived yesterday and set up camp on the town green to paint signs. The tone remained civil until Wapatusset’s notorious Crazy Old Guy pulled up in his jalopy and began throwing potatoes at the protestors. Bewildered protestors did not fire back, but police did want to take any chances.

“I just don’t want Wapatusset to turn into another Wisconsin,” said the chief.“And for the last time, we are not perpetuating any stereotypes here. It’s all good fun.”

The police department’s Dunkin’ Donuts paddy wagon float had already been decorated and community volunteers were already halfway through the keg of green beer when the announcement was made.

The Tater Tot Queen Pageant has been postponed indefinitely as well; stay tuned for details.

01/31/2011

Pesticides, Fracking… or Fowl Play??

First it was Red-winged Blackbirds in Arkansas, then came dead cows in Wisconsin. In Wapatusset, Massachusetts this past week, the talk has been all about chickens.

More than 300 rotisserie chickens have mysteriously vanished in the last three weeks. Managers of several superstores have reported the disappearance of roast chickens (in bullet-proof plastic boxes) at an alarming rate, especially with the recent frigid temperatures.

Wind turbines… or worse?

Local volunteers from the Wapatusset Coastal Research Institute (who normally investigate marine life but always like a challenge) have been on the case, taking samples from other rotisserie chickens and examining environmental conditions. Townspeople have come up with several interesting hypotheses of their own, naming culprits such as: hungry Greyotes, “fracking” caused by ledge blasting for residential dream homes, and high-frequency vibrations caused by Invisiblines wind turbines.

However, police finally think they have a positive lead. Surveillance camera footage from supermarkets is fuzzy but seems to show a mysterious bow-legged, kilted figure leaving the stores right after the birds have gone missing.

Kilted chicken rustler strikes again!

Wapatusset Police Chief Liam O'Liam(left) opined that it could be that ever-elusive Scottish roast-chicken rustler Ian “Farmer John” MacDonald, who was arrested for pilfering roasted poultry from Henhouse Markets in the 90’s. He was recently released from “the pen” and was just seen in Northern Virginia admiring carousels of freshly roasted birds.

MacDonald is known for wearing a kilt and carrying a Scottish dagger in his left sock. Another clue that it may be this master of the “Go and Carve” is the trail of carcasses and plastic containers left from the shopping cart racks to the worn trails leading from the edges of the strip malls.

Blame it on the haggis

MacDonald, 1983(pictured on left)

A former neighbor said MacDonald once told him, “If I could find a decent haggis anywhere in this bloody country, I wouldn’t have this problem.”

MacDonald's M.O. is to load up the football-sized containers of roasters—one, two or even three at a time—under his kilt, between his knees, and shuffle bow-legged out of the store. The amount taken in each visit seems to increase with the decrease in outdoor temperature. Liam O'Liam speculated that the thief may be using the pilfered poultry for a dual purpose: “warmth and nourishment.”

Citizens of Wapatusset are asked to report any sightings of a bow-legged kilted gentleman, who smells like roast chicken, to Wapatusset Crimestoppers. Leave any leads in the Comments section below.

01/21/2011

Police BLOG: Special Report

Just one day after the “biggest mafia bust in FBI history,” police in Wapatusset, a small suburb south of Boston, rounded up eleven alleged mobsters after an exhaustive six-month covert sting op dubbed “Project Sub Shop.”

O'Liam (hacked file photo) According to Wapatusset chief of police Liam O’Liam, officers had been casing local Keno machines, pizza joints, donut drive-thrus and sub shops, conducting sophisticated surveillance with equipment obtained during their recent equipment upgrade(enabled by special town override).

Because the suspects were so overweight, O’Liam said it was not hard to nab them. Because most were in their 80s and 90s, they could not remember the crimes they committed. Lined up with wrists in handcuffs and bellies bulging over their polyester slacks, the men caused quite a spectacle in the parking lot of “House of Calzone” on Route 3B.

Already facing accusations of ethnic stereotyping, the police department could not be reached for further comment at this time. Reports of a similar investigation involving pubs in the neighboring "Irish Riviera" community have not been confirmed.

12/09/2010

As Internet bandits and ruthless hackers continue to wreak havoc in cyberspace, the Tiny Mind Gazette is rapidly working to repair damages to its extremely popular online publication.

Although currently unconfirmed, it looks as though the same group of cyber-hackers that recently brought down two major credit card sites have taken aim at the legendary news source. As the Tiny Mind’s senior leadership staff and lead technologists (some formerly of NASA) operate under “Code Red Status,” the industry-standard site is being quickly pieced together into its proper format.

O'Liam (hacked file photo)

Fortunately, we were able to reach Director of Corporate Security Liam O’Liam(recently retired chief of the Wapatusset MA Police Department), who had this to say: “It appears that a small group of unsavory hackers broke into the site sometime during the early morning hours. Damages include: the removal of all transitional verbs, adjectives beginning with the letter ‘K’, and any reference to small rodents.”

vandalized masthead (removed 12.10.10)

O’Liam went on to say, “The most perplexing problem is the badly damaged masthead. Whoever was responsible for this crime removed the publication’s regular masthead and replaced it with a crudely built version consisting of random photographs of Weeki Wachee mermaids.”

According to sources deep within the inner-confines of the TMG, an identical version of the original masthead is stored in an underground Iron Mountain® facility, located in a former salt mine somewhere in western Pennsylvania. A retrieval team has been dispersed and should be returning within the next few hours with the replica..

Investigators are not sure of the significance of the underwater mermaid imagery but are actively seeking leads, speculation, and valuable misinformation from the public.

11/16/2010

“Finding the Joy in a World Gone Sour”

This is the second in a series of articles on growth, opportunity, prosperity, and the permanent eradication of evil and evil-deed-doers on our ever-changing planet (Earth).

Yesterday’s article covered poorly anticipated career paths that have left many of us suspended in mid-air—much like Wile E. Coyote, 10 feet past the edge of a cliff, air-peddling as quickly as possible.

As parents, we frantically squirrel away hard-earned coin into the college coffers for our kids—with the high hopes that their post-graduation residences exist beyond the walls of our basements and paneled rumpus rooms.

Today we optimistically present new avenues for career advancement and lifelong employment. Below is Tiny Mind Gazette’s list of 100 stable occupations for the somewhat unstable future (in alphabetical order).