Sometimes I feel like I’m toeing the MOMMYBLOG line, and other times I feel like “wait have I mentioned my child enough on the Internet this month for him to be real?”

So here are some updates about that kid who gave me a SCAR THAT STILL TINGLES.

1. camp

Chooch is in camp.

I’m not quite sure what he does in camp because every time he starts talking about it, I drift off. Not relevant to my interests, you know?

So he’s been in camp for most of July now and seems to really love it. They do academic shit in the morning and then Venture Outdoors comes in and take them outside to do things. Apparently he went fishing (and had lots of things to say about NICO*, like how NICO is the most popular kid at camp so of course NICO was the only kid that caught a fish, THAT DICK) and geocaching oh thank god. You know how he loves his fucking geocaching.

*(UPDATE: Chooch and Nico are bros now.)

But all of this almost didn’t happen when the bus never showed up for him on the first day of camp. I was already en route to work on the trolley so I basically just short-circuited because I’m unable to think logically when things don’t go as planned. Luckily, Henry was able to get a hold of HOT NAYBOR CHRIS who drove him to camp (it’s just at a school on the other side of our town, like a 2 mile walk and maybe if it was 1987 I would tell him to just hoof it but hello, it’s 2016 and the world is full of danger. So hooray for HNC being a hero!

(I spelled “hooray” like this at first: hurray. I need help.)

So then Henry was all, “You’re going to have to tell work that you’re going to be late tomorrow because someone needs to wait for the bus with him to make sure it comes this time” and of course I wanted to die because ew parenting. So I told Glenn what was going on and he was all, “OK? Why are you telling me?” and I was like, “Hello because that’s our new protocol? To tell Stupid Team Lead Glenn when we’re going to be late?!” Literally we were just told to do this like a week prior and he already forgot.

The next morning, I dragged Chooch down to the street corner where this mystical bus was supposed to vaporize. Henry told me what time it was supposed to be there, which I immediately forgot, and then something about waiting because it could be late? I gave up pretty immediately, because waiting for school buses just isn’t for me. I was totally stressed out and when the lady whose house we were standing in front of came out with her dog, I felt the need to psychotically explain to her what we were doing.

Now, this lady only lives 5 houses down from me and I have seen her a thousand times, but we never talk.

I always thought she seemed bitchy, but when I told her about the bus incident from the day before, she became concerned.

“Where is the camp? Do you want me to drive him?”

Like, totally neighbor-like, you know?

I felt inclined to maybe wait a few more minutes for the bus, since I had really only given it five minutes before wanting to give up.

My texts to Henry were pretty ridiculous and panic-stricken. Chooch was calm, though.

Neighbor went back inside with her dog and I was like, “Oh thank god, now I can call Henry and scream at him.” So that’s what I was doing when Neighbor came back outside with her coffee cup.

“It still didn’t come?” she asked incredulously. “Come on, let’s go. I’ll drive him. I have 6 grandkids, this is just what I do.”

This was one of those THINK, ERIN! moments. On one hand, I was tired of standing there waiting for a make believe bus.

But then….stranger danger.

But then we introduced ourselves, so that’s OK right? Her name is Catherine. I could just tell Henry, “Well, I don’t know why he didn’t come home from camp, Henry. I mean, I saw him get in Catherine’s car and then they drove off together, presumably in the right direction.”

LUCKILY the bus pulled up the curb right then so I shoved him on and then literally ran all the way to the trolley and GUESS WHO WAS A PARENT AND STILL MADE IT TO WORK ON TIME?

I went to get into bed the other night when I felt HAIR on my pillow. Like real life hair. So I screamed, “OMG WHAT IS THAT?!” which woke up Henry, and then I proceeded to go back for seconds and thirds while screaming, “OMG SRSLY WHAT IS IT?!” and Henry was all, “YEAH SO KEEP TOUCHING IT” while I nearly knocked over the lamp in my effort to turn it on. Turns out it was that motherfucking doll. Man. Just when I thought Doll was dormant.

Well played, Chooch.

3. Summer Accusations

On two separate occasions, I heard Chooch being screamed at by HNC’s fake wife. The first time, I was like, “DO NOT WANT TO DEAL” so I went back to painting and pretended like some psycho Yinzer wasn’t interrogating my kid, because I have to tell you, it’s not always worth defending him because he’s not always innocent, OK? It sounded like she was yelling about her porch lights, but whatever.

The second time, Chooch was outside with one of his friends when she started laying into him again about the same thing. But then Henry came home from the store so she retreated because she won’t yell at Chooch in front of us. As soon as Henry came in the house, I was like, “Wait for it…” and sure enough, she came back out and started Yinzer-yapping about it again. This time, I went outside and asked, “What’s going the problem out here?” because I WAS FEELING LIKE A FIGHT. She immediately lowered her voice and quickly said “Oh, I’m not blaming him, I just want him to know that if he knows who broke my lights, he can tell me.”

OH YEAH SURE PSYCHO. Believe me, no one is going to tell her if they accidentally break her shit because she flies off the handle so freely.

So she continued to talk about how it just sucks to leave the house at 5am for work and see that her lights are broken, and that they “mean a lot to her.”

I know what you’re thinking. “Are they HEIRLOOMS? Did Thomas Edison pass these down to her?!”

FRIENDS. These are literally those cheap ass sidewalk lights that you can get at the dollar store.

They cost like $3 at Dollar General.

SHE IS LITERALLY JUST BITCHING TO BITCH and also they’re not even broken, they were just knocked out of the ground.

Also I know Chooch didn’t do it because he knows to stay the fuck out of her yard because YOU NEVER KNOW IF SHE’S GOING TO STUFF YOU INTO HER OVEN.

The next day, Chooch ended up sleeping over his friend’s house and I decided that since he had an alibi now, this would be the perfect time for me to go out there and assault her stupid yard-bulbs with a baseball bat.

Henry frowned at this idea, so I removed the violence and destruction from the plan (sigh) and changed it to just “gently knocking them over” so then I could be all “OH BUT CHOOCH WASN’T EVEN HERE LAST NIGHT, BETTER GET A NEW SUSPECT” but Henry said, “OR YOU COULD JUST LET IT GO.”

:(

(It’s probably a good idea that I listened to Henry because she just had a huge fight with HNC and another neighbor last weekend and I honestly thought I was going to have to call the cops. Don’t worry, I have audio of it.)

We were waiting to cross the street and Purple Pants walked by so I took this picture of her with Chooch!! That’s all.

5. Chooch vs. Meat

Every year after Warped Tour, Chooch decides he’s going to be a vegetarian (there is a lot of Peta2 propaganda there, which obviously doesn’t bother me because hello I’m a vegetarian) but then it fizzles out. However, this year he seems to really be trying and is pissed because there are no meatless options at camp. This goes hand-in-hand with the whole “parenting” thing I guess, but I didn’t know that he skipped lunch yesterday because of this! He said he told the lunch lady that he doesn’t eat meat, and she screamed, “TAKE THE TRAY!” Henry thinks he’s exaggerating but I have this scene painted so vividly in my mind that I refuse to consider that it could be hyperbolic. Anyway, Chooch ended up just eating a piece of bread for lunch?! I feel like there should be dietary options but I don’t feel like calling because I’m not Henry, so instead I put on my mom jeans tonight and made Chooch a PB&J to take with him tomorrow He supervised, don’t worry. I guess I did it right.

6. Probably Not a Serial Killer

Chooch just came in the house and said, “Marky’s mom has—-” and then he STARTED SOBBING before straight wailing, “—this small ass cat! It’s so cute!” He continued crying so hard he could no longer get any more words out. Then he turned around and went back outside.

Probably, he’s not going to grow up to be a serial killer.

****

I nodded off several times while writing this but posted it anyway. WITHOUT PROOFREADING. (Like I ever proofread.) I live so recklessly, where’s my helmet.

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