Quick Rundown (aka: In Other News)

–83-year old Hugh Hefner has confessed he has trouble telling his lovers apart these days, but don’t worry Hugh. I know people who’ve been “reading” your magazine for over 20 years, and they have the same problem. Here’s a tip, Hugh: try looking at their faces.

-In the current healthcare debate, the biggest point of contention expressed by healthcare providers is providing people with a voluntary public option. This, of course, does not bode well for healthcare companies who will see their profit margins shrink when they have to stop overcharging you and denying your claims so that their stock holders can make more profit. In a quote (that I made up for this example), a healthcare spokesman said, “We think the current system of overcharging individuals and companies who pay into that system for years on the off chance that they may need medical coverage, then training our employees to deny that coverage when it is needed, works just fine. We are the victims here. A more affordable public option would be devastating to the shareholders…our true customers.”

–In an announcement that should surprise no one, Jon and Kate Gosselin (from Jon and Kate Plus 8) are getting a divorce. I’m sure the custody battle will be televised. Nothing makes great television (or a healthy childhood) like airing the pain children go through when their parents split, especially when they do it in front of the cameras for financial gain / fame and for the entertainment of people who move their lips when they read, gobble down bon-bons and can’t get enough of reality TV.

–In Minnesota, a mother of four children was recently fined $1.9 million for illegally downloading music from the Internet–$80,000 per song times a total of 24 songs. Those songs usually cost 99 cents each. By comparison, Cleveland Browns receiver Donate’ Stallworth will serve a scant 30 days in jail for pleading guilty to DUI manslaughter. Way to go, justice system!

–There’s a bar in Spain that encourages its patrons to come on in, have a drink and insult the wait staff. “When you come in after work, you can say swear at them and call them bastard or imbecile,” a client told the press. Of course, anyone who’s ever waited tables knows that this happens all the time anyways, and being mean to people that handle food is never a good idea.

–A revised dress code in Brooksville, FLA has just been introduced. It’s a three page document requiring all employees to–among other things–wear underwear at all times in public. It’s called the “I see London, I see France” rule.

–After President Obama swatted and killed a fly (in midair, well done) during a recent televised interview, PETA was quick to complain. They sent Obama a no-kill trap in the mail. “We support compassion for even the smallest animals,” said a PETA spokesman. “We support giving insects the benefit of the doubt.” All insects? Really? Remember that the next time you come down with malaria, fellas.

–In order to get a job working for the city of Bozeman, Montana, you’ll need to brace yourself for the most thorough background check to date. All job applicants in Bozeman are instructed to hand over usernames and passwords for “any and all, current personal or business websites,” including e-mail and social networking accounts. They also want your diary, your childhood memories, bank account number and first born male child.