Tag Archives: Brooks Bollinger

The draft is over. The lockout continues. As of right now, we got no football. I’m getting cold sweats just thinking about it. But there’s another group that stands to lose if there’s no football this fall besides the coaches, players, and NFL fans — TV networks.

Without football, they’ll have to find someway to fill time on Sundays and Monday nights, and “Two and a Half Men” marathons just won’t cut it.

So where are our options? I dove into the talented depths of YouTube to find what could be our 2011 replacement for football. Here’s what you could expect to see on the airwaves instead of your beloved Week 1 matchup.

1. Sloths doing human things

I’ll admit, it doesn’t sound that interesting at first, but once you see a sloth holding an umbrella like it’s expecting rain and looking at you with those slothy sloth eyes, you get it. And they can follow it up with a “Real Sloths of Orange County” or “Real Sloths of Dallas” once the first season has run its course. People love watching animals do things that humans do.

2. Babies who fear normal human behavior

Blowing your nose can sometimes be an uncomfortable experience. I’ve almost launched a lung through my nose on at least one occasion. So I get this baby’s irrational fear of his mother’s nose-blowing. But they’re going to have to do better than that if they want to carry the 18-45 male demo in this time slot.

3. Extreme Cooking with Epic Meal Time

Speaking of that 18-45 male demographic, here’s your real winner. Take a little bit from the Iron Chef playbook, a little bit from the fat man’s guide to continuing to be fat, and alcohol, and you get Epic Meal Time, a YouTube experience that just reminds you of the way momma used to cook. You know, before she stopped drinking…

4. Slow-motion modeling

I think we can safely say that they wouldn’t lose any viewership replacing football with this. Female fans would easily be replaced by an influx of former NFL fans who felt that TV never showed the cheerleaders enough.

5. The UFL

While it is the most logical replacement for true, NFL football, would you be satisfied by the UFL? Would Daunte Culpepper and Brooks Bollinger excite you as much as a Tom Brady and Peyton Manning showdown?

We can only hope. Until the lockout is over, these are some of our best options from the world of entertainment. Could we build a fantasy game on top of these? Of course! And if it was fantasy extreme cooking, I’m taking bacon first overall ten out of ten times.

Pick your poison. Which of these options would you choose to replace our beloved NFL football this season?