What if YOU Did It?

In a pair of interviews yesterday, including one with local radio station WTPS, O.J. Simpson laughed off his aborted book deal and shot down reports that the money -- $880,000, according to a News Corp. spokesman -- had been earmarked for his kids.

"Would everybody stop being so naive? Of course I got paid," Simpson told WTPS. "I spend the money on my bills. It's gone." Of the relatives of murder victim Ron Goldman, The Juice had this to say: "They have become professional victims. America, you're being duped by these people."

Nice guy.

In this week's New Times, Riptide indulged in some fantasizing about elaborate ways we might rid ourselves of this dastardly doofus, including this:

Invite O.J. out for a round of golf at the La Gorce Country Club in Miami Beach. At the nineteenth hole, slip him a ketamine-laced can of Schlitz malt liquor, stuff him inside that ten-foot-high Afro he wore in Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult, and roll him down the fairway and into the back of an idling Ryder truck. Drive to the Everglades, transfer him to an airboat, tie marshmallows to the 'fro, drop him into the swamp, and let the gators dine on his Heisman Trophy-winning rump.

If you've got any of your own fantasy plots to share, start posting, and remember, the more outlandish the better. -Frank Houston