Author: Swanbaked

A woman wearing a pair of leather trousers that cost £1,000 has explained to Britain the importance of living within its means.

“Look at me, living within my means. Fuck’s wrong with you?”

Theresa May, whose husband is senior executive at a $1.4 trillion investment fund, has explained that literally no one in the country has the money to pay nurses more and so it would require borrowing instead.

“Because it’s all very well saying things like ‘Five pairs of my trousers would have paid for safe cladding at Grenfell’ – but then who would have paid for the five pairs of trousers?

“There’s isn’t a magic £1,000 leather trouser tree, you know.”

Mrs May, who spent £1 billion of the country’s money in order to retain control of it, added: “So we’d have to increase the deficit, like Greece, and there would be no jobs or nurses at all, and I would still have my leather trousers.”

Former prime minister David Cameron, architect of austerity and personally worth £40 million, waded in to tell the country: “You selfish bastards.”

A major nationwide police search is underway for anyone who voted for this.

The alarm was raised after it emerged that someone to vote for this was last captured on CCTV nowhere ever.

Supt Ray Doyle, leading the investigation, said: “What we do have on CCTV – well, TV actually – is Tories saying ‘No one wants another election.’ A lot.

“We’re very interested in speaking to this ‘no one’ because he or she sounds like the exact same person that may have voted for a minority Tory government propped up by creationist homophobes at a cost of £1 billion.

“There’s also a possible matter of identity theft, since we have evidence that it is in fact ‘everyone’ who wants another election.”

Everyone confirmed: “Yes, it’s me that wants another election.”

Speaking exclusively to Swan Bake, no one said: “It was me who voted for this bullshit.”

The country had turned its attention from the ‘Prime Minister’ to more pressing matters, only to look back some time later and notice with unease that she had not left.

The country said to Mrs May: “Imagine you were at a job interview and the interviewer said ‘Thank you, we have other candidates to see and may be in touch’ and instead of leaving you just sat there.

“And the interviewer looked down at some papers and began writing. And quarter of an hour passed. And then the interviewer looked up again, over a pair of glasses, to find you inexplicably in the same spot.

“And then the interviewer left you there and went home and got in the shower, and rinsed soapy water from their eyes to see you, also in the shower.

“That is what is happening.”

Mrs May replied: “The ‘other candidates’ are Boris Johnson, David Davis and Michael Gove. So when do I start?”

Has anyone checked if she’s actually all right? the country has asked after noticing the helpless look in Theresa May’s eyes.

Concerns were raised after the Prime Minister’s desperate and pleading expression was noticed at the end of each of her robotic speeches, as if she were trying to add “Help me.”

Arthur in EastEnders after stealing the Christmas club’s savings.

Ray Doyle, who watched her on the news at his home in Reading, said: “Um. That woman. Was she the Prime Minister? Only the last person I saw with a face like that was Arthur in EastEnders after he stole the Christmas club’s savings.

“And he did not provide strong and stable leadership in the national interest and get the best deal for Brexit.”

Theresa May, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

Will Bodie of Basildon said: “That occasional crack in her voice – I always thought it was just an idiosyncrasy. I now realise it’s a widening chasm in her fragile sanity.

“Just as well she and this whole Brexit with no government thing is just an EastEnders storyline and this isn’t the news about this actual country.