Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, andcuddled my two children on demand, visited thedoctor's office more than my doctor, sold 62 casesof candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree onthe school playground, and figured out how to attachnine patches onto my daughter's Girl Scout sash withstaples and a glue gun.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over severalChristmases, since I had to write this letter with myson's red crayon on the back of a receipt in the laundryroom between cycles, and who knows when I'll findanymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day ofchasing kids (in any color, except purple, which Ialready have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze,but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler outof the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like awaist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventhmonth of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like acar with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio thatonly plays adult music; a television that doesn't broad-cast any programs containing talking animals; and arefrigerator with a secret compartment behind thefreezer where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter

doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parentalconfidence, along with one potty-trained toddler,two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeansthat will zip all the way up without the use of powertools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting,"Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your handsoff your brother," because my voice seems to be justout of my children's hearing range and can only beheard by the dog.

And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack,the stocking stuffer this year for mothers of pre-schoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors andis guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making theIn-laws' house seem just like mine.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settlefor enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hairin the same morning, or the luxury of eating foodwarmer than room temperature without it beingserved in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmasmiracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it betoo much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable?It will clear my conscience immensely. It wouldbe helpful if you could coerce my children to helparound the house without demanding payment as ifthey were the bosses of an organized crime family;or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking down-stairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas atmidnight.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing andmy son saw my feet under the laundry room door.I think he wants his crayon back. Have safe tripand remember to leave your wet boots by thechimney and come in and dry off by the fire soyou don't catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don'teat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.