Dennis DiClaudio submitted this Recommended Reading List for Jerked Off Pseudo-Intellectuals in lieu of a real bio: Samuel Beckett, Molloy, Malone Dies, The Unnamable; William S. Burroughs, Naked Lunch; James Joyce, Finnegan's Wake; the Marquis de Sade, 120 Days of Sodomy; Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra and Ecce Homo. In addition to being jealous of people who can read these books and enjoy them, Dennis is an editor for (parenthetical note).

Dear Yo-Yo, Happy 48th Birthday! Yo-Yo, if (hypothetically speaking) you fed trace amounts of silver nitrate to a werewolf every day, do you think over time he’d build up a tolerance and eventually you’d have a wolfman that couldn’t be…

Pierre Cavanaugh

Horse is a large, four-legged animal that, when sat upon and led by a Carnie with three teeth, will take you around a foul, dung-filled, rotting path for just 3 dollars. Hokey Pokey is a silly stupid game/dance/activity for retards…

Dear Seann, Happy 27th Birthday! Seann, I’ve recently undergone chin-implant plastic surgery as the first of many steps in a complex facial reconstruction process so that I may one day look exactly like you. (Do not think this means I…

Dear Ali-ci-a, Happy 27th Birthday! Man, I sure was head-over-heels for you sometime post-“Cryin’” and pre-“Amazin’.” That’s a pretty narrow window, sure, but my fancies are fickle. You like how I pronounced your name right, though? Happy Birthday! Best wishes,…

Dear Kate, Happy 28th Birthday! Kate, you sure like to show your boobs a lot. (Thanks!) Don’t you think you could have given us just a little peep to make The Life of David Gale even halfway watchable? That movie…