CarrieP from Big Fat Blog sent me the story of 34 year old bride-to-be Samantha Clowe, who died of heart failure this summer after following the low-calorie LighterLife diet for 11 weeks. Said Clowe’s mother, “She said she wanted respect at work and didn’t want to be a fat bride.” I wonder what was happening in Clowe’s workplace.

I know the pressure she faced as a woman about to be married, because those messages are all around us. Women are bombarded with advertising and advice, encouraging them to be the most beautiful (i.e. skinny) they can possibly be when they walk down the aisle. And in some cases, the most beautiful they cannot possibly be…

Grooms are expected to come as they are, but women almost have to prove themselves worthy of marriage by conforming to a narrow beauty standard. At my cousin M’s wedding a few weeks ago, her maid of honor told me she’d ordered herself a pizza that morning because M had basically been fasting for the days leading up to the wedding. “What’s she been eating?” I asked. “Cigarettes!” I was floored. So that’s why M looked so drastically different than she had last winter, after having a baby. I resent the fact that women are not only expected to treat their wedding days as THE MOST IMPORTANT DAYS OF THEIR LIVES (no room for “error” or “imperfection”), but to treat themselves like products on display.

How many times a day did the world tell Samantha Clowe she was inferior? She died in pursuit of weight-loss; that her wedding was the finish line is a sad reminder that fat is a feminist issue. On a happier note, CarrieP also sent me a link to a photo pool she started, called Here come the Fat Brides!, which celebrates radiant fat ladies on their wedding days. Enjoy.

I hate the wedding industrial complex SO FUCKING MUCH. This is just one more example of the many ways it tells women that there is something wrong with them and they have to be remolded and repackaged–at great cost, of course–in order to be perfect for their man and “society.”

Grrrrr…

(And kudos to the lady in the purple extravaganza on CarrieP’s website. She’s successfully pulling off what Tim Gunn would call “a whole lot of look.”)

Ads like these during my engagement led me to not updating my status after we got married because they were so offensive. For what it’s worth, during that period where you could “dislike” ads I would constantly give the reason of “offensive,” for obvious reasons.

I did not starve myself, but I did work out more often to help clear my head and relax with lots of yoga and ballet. The now-husband and I would also have weekly mid-week “dance parties” as well to help us blow off steam, often to a lot of Green Day and classic Motown.

And you know what? I was calm, happy and giggly the whole day–nothing irked me once we got going, and we ended the reception with our friends around us as we all belted out “Don’t Stop Believn’” and not caring how silly we looked.

I never felt so bad about my body as an adult as I did leading up to my wedding. Everyone–from co-workers to strangers–felt entitled to critique my appearance, my face, my body, my hair. I just wanted to look like myself. I didn’t go on a diet. But when strangers in dress shops are publicly advising you to buy spanx–not even the salespeople, other customers!–it’s awful. I definitely picked up some insecurities I didn’t have before.

I regret EVER setting my relationship status to engaged on Facebook, because for months — even after the status reverted to “single” — there would be ads about losing weight for weddings. It made me want to smash my laptop, given that I was also pregnant at the time and dropping 20 lbs. would probably NOT be a good idea, no matter what the asshole ads were telling me.

My entire view on the wedding industrial complex may be summed up as follows: if the registry office and a smart suit was good enough for Calvin and Alice, it’ll be good enough for me. I’m unlikely to ever have to put that into practice though.

You know, I feel sad because most people will brush this off as “she was stupid to be eating so little,” instead of understanding that it’s such a horrible thing to be ashamed of your body that you’re willing to ignore all sorts of health signals if it will get you to your “goal weight.”

Good god. Another horrific example of how people judge women (men, too, but women more) based on thinness. When I got married, I happened to be at a point in my life when I was working out a tremendous amount, quite thin, and felt very strong and comfortable with my body. Even so, when I tried on wedding dresses, the designers and consultants would try to “help” me hide my tiny bulge of a belly. I was amazed at how many dresses still didn’t look good on me, even though I had an easy time buying clothes. I was horrified to think what it would have been like if I’d had another 20 pounds on me – or more like 50, as I do now!

Even my mother makes comments about how I should lose weight if I want to get promoted at work. That in order to be/be seen as successful, I need to be thinner. (Those comments are in abeyance at the moment, since I’m pregnant, but still.)

It’s so insidious. Poor Samantha Clowe. And I bet she’s not the only one.

The “LighterLife” diet she was on was “inspired by disaster relief food packs” and allowed only 530 (!!!!!) calories a day. WTF?!

And the doctor’s two cents at the end of the story – atrocious. He wrote that he agrees that crash diets like this are good to “kick-start weight loss” because sometimes they’re the only thing that helps the fatties realize that their weight problems are related to eating too much and a lack of willpower! Never mind the blatant condescension and shaming. Never mind that 530 calories a day from soups, snack bars, and shakes is not even remotely sustainable and you will regain weight as soon as you start to eat the amount of calories your body needs to, oh, I dunno, function properly?! Never mind that two other women besides Ms. Clowe died while on this plan. Fuck you Dr. Martin Scurr. Go kick-start your brain before you offer anyone “health” advice again.

I have an idea! SCREW HAVING A BIG WEDDING with dress, reception, etc. Put that money toward a house or a child’s college fund Weddings are a waste of time and $$! The biggest regret of my life was having that big wedding! Still married after 22 years but in retrospect we could have used that $$ much more wisely! A judge and 15 minutes is all you need!

@Tallgirl: I have known a few people who do the Medical Weight Loss diet and it involves a liquid diet for the first few days. Basically starving to kickstart. But they call it “detox” so thats how you know its healthy!

HEADDESK! The wedding industrial complex drives me crazy! If I ever get married I’m opting for eloping or going to City Hall.
The brides in the picture gallery were rocking! I especially loved the purple and red dresses.

@MsMsBurning: Excessive weddings aren’t really the point. You don’t know Samantha Clowe’s plans or budget. It’s that weddings–of any kind–are a major patriarchy-intensifier, and that the diet/beauty industry exploits it.

@bluebears: According to the article, on LighterLife you eat 530 calories a day for up to 12 weeks!!! I cannot even imagine. And don’t even get me started on those detoxes. My mom recently sent me a recipe for a natural immune system booster. It wasn’t a diet thing at all, but the makeup of the concoction was so similar to that of the Master Cleanse* that I went off on a huge rant about detoxes in my reply email. She was like, whoa, calm down!

*I know this only because a guy I worked with actually did the Master Cleanse. I remember him telling me that he had to add a little extra honey sometimes to keep from feeling like he was going to pass out. Yeah. Real healthy, dude.

@elibard @BeckySharper – I am right there with ya. I had a number of people ask me when I was going to start losing weight for my wedding. I laughed and once I said, well the amputation is planned for next week.

I was definitely not the skinniest I’ve ever been at my wedding – but I had enough nourishment (and booze) in me to kick ass on the dance floor for six hours straight without slowing down. So those bitches can back the f off.

Whenever those types of ads come up (lose weight in five days! get abs of steel!) I click the x in the corner and label it “offensive”. The only ads I get now are for tax-refund companies and competitions for Black-Eyed Peas tickets (which feature Fergie bending over in tight pants…)

@Spark: It sounds like you had a pretty nasty time preparing for your wedding. But I think saying that “weddings–of any kind–are a major patriarchy-intensifier” is a great exaggeration. A wedding doesn’t have to be any such thing. It’s the way we do it that make it that way. You can write your own vows, get an officiant whom you know and trust, hold it at a time and place that’s meaningful for you and your intended. If a couple wants to have a public celebration to celebrate the formalizing of their coming together, why not?

The thing is, we women have got to stop being suckered. We can’t stop the wedding-industrial complex overnight, but we can think seriously about what a wedding means to us, and we can decline to participate in the spending spree in which we’re encouraged to indulge. We can’t control the whole industry, but we can control ourselves.

@tallgirl: I get so annoyed when people throw the word detox around. The BF’s sister and her girlfriend were over on labor day talking about how the next weekend they were staying in all weekend and “detoxing” I was like why do you have to stay in though? She was like well apparently you get pretty weak. (unspoken thought in my head, because you’re starving?) what she actually says, “because you know, you’re body is working so hard to CLEANSE” UGH! basic.biology.fail.

I just had my purple cocktail “wedding” dress made by a very sweet Etsy seller, precisely because I DID NOT want to ever set foot into a bridal dress shop. Every plan I’ve made for the event has been outside of the typical WIC on purpose, to avoid all that shit as much as possible. Thank gods no one has made any comments about how fat I am eight month away from the date. I would shout their asses down.

@mischiefmanager: I agree there are steps you can take to minimize patriarchy-related pressure, but what I meant was–getting married brings out stuff from other people. No matter how non-traditional you go, people are going to tell you why you should change your name, give their opinion on what you should look like, etc. At least that was my experience.
For the record, preparing for my wedding was fine, it was just the body stuff I wasn’t prepared for. Like suddenly my body was up for public comment. I thought that wasn’t supposed to happen until pregnancy.

Oh man, this one hits home. I got married two weeks ago. In May, I bought a size 8 wedding dress. Two weeks ago, the dress still fit and I got married. Victory, right? NO! I was upset with myself for not losing weight! And I obsess over how my arms look in the pictures. And I KNOW it’s batshit crazy. So really — what the fuck is wrong with me? Why do we have to all lose weight for our weddings? Why can’t I be satisfied with looking like myself at my wedding?

It is sad that weight is an issue among the wedding world and sadly, I hate the fact that I will have to deal with that issue when I cross that path. Though I hope to be a bit smaller, not excessive weight loss, when I’m a bit older. Yes I am indeed on the big side, but big isn’t bad, it just means we can’t wear those name brand, Ambercrombie and Finch and american eagle stuff.