okay my bruise got bigger last night stunk bad. bad day at work, followed by a dissappointment that emily's toy box wasn't playing last night instead i had to sit through UUU at Croc. Rock., they wouldn't be bad if they would learn to play one whole friggin song. Ya know it's funny how people look at you differently in a club when you aren't smiling and have a look of somberness. Not only do they leave you be, but they also can't stop looking at you. Not only that but bartenders seem to wait on you quicker. I guess they just feel that alcohol will take the pain away..... I wish it did. For the first time in my life as long as i remember i was very silent and kept my mouth completely shut.

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Okay I think I am going to officially cry now. I am so happy. Something happened today and not only am I excited but I am really looking forward to this coming wednesday. I have finally found what i was looking for. and an arrow has finally struck me in my heart. The wall has come down i have put myself behind and i am crawling out of this hole I dug. That's right I am smitten with love. I have a date this wednesday. With probably one of the nicest sweetest most attractive young woman i have ever met. This is such a wonderful day. I have to work but I don't care.... =)

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wow what a day it was long and tiring but i came home and had the most pleasant message on my phone from kelly. even after having probably a pretty lousy day I come home and see this message and my anger, my sadness, and all my negative karma just dissipates and is like it was never there. To my knowledge that has never happened before and it feels good. I hope i can do the same for her. She deserves it.

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Well two hours before my date I'm taking her to Dinner at Lonestar steakhouse. It's not a crappy place like burgerking but it's not spago's either so it's right in the middle. I am excited yet nervous but I am not only ready but I am looking pretty spiffy hehehe. After wards not sure what we will do I'm thinking maybe planet trog. They have lots of stuff to do including laser tag. but we'll see where it takes us.... was also thinkin maybe just cruisin around lookin at christmas lights.... not sure but I have to stop off at the store before i go... I am picking up flowers for her. I'm doing this right for a change. Either way it doesn't matter where we go as long as I'm spending time with her it's good.

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Sounds like a good plan, I would highly recomend the Lazer Tag BEFORE, going to dinner because you will have a shared experience, that will help ease you into converstion. Also the adrenaline rush of an activity like that will sometimes help a woman to see if you are a suitable mate, ya know is this guy a good hunter/provider/warrior. I read a study on this sort of thing when I was taking Anthropology. I would also highly recomend a book called "How to make anyone fall inlove with you" by Leil Lowndes, it explores the physiology of love and attraction, and let me tell ya I used some of the techinques in there and look what hapened!

damn wish i woulda had that message before my date....... cuz let me tell ya I think I just blew the big one.... bad. Let's just say I don't think we'll be going out as anything but friends. let me give ya the skinny.... showed up at her dorm with flowers yep i think I coulda bagged any girl in that dorm cuz there was so many hopefuls looking at me. The chick I was going with never saw me before and I never really saw her before.... I think her attraction for mr. mystery went down the toilet. we sat up in her room for half an hour while we decided what to do. unfortunately it wound up going to a movie something a first date is not supposed to be. movies are reserved for like 3rd or 4th date.... so that was bad. good movie ... bad move..... went to eat at apple bee's that was okay but no conversation....... hmmmm that's bad. pretty much that was the whole date... except for one major thing afterwards..... went to take her home got ridiculously lost in another city..... don't know how it happened but it did...... not a good thing..... the car is hot, I gettin a headache and nervous with a person who probably doesn't think very highly of me at this point, there is crappy music on the radio, and I try to call the one person to help me ... who would know how to get where i'm supposed to and they don't answer the phone. I drop her off no goodbye kiss, not even a hug.... just a talk to you later...... and so now I'm home and all I want to do is crawl up into a ball and die

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OUCH!!!!!! been there done that dude! although my buddy Ed went on a date with this girl, he opened the car door , ya know to be a gentleman, and did not realize she was all the way in when HE CLOSED THE DOOR ON HER HEAD!!!!!!!!!! any hoo six months later they were married!

Any way if you really are serious about having a relationship with someone I would check out a book on dating and relationships, as the process is very complicated these days.

I may have to do that. Funny thing is as soon as I got home the friend who set me up with her asked how things went I told her and she was like I'm really sorry.... and then within the next breath she's like I have another single friend but she's kind of a slut.... I was like whatever ya wanna do. Anyways, If my friend kim decides to try to hook me up with another one of her friends, I'll do it. I mean the worst that can happen is me having a new friend. Going through a lot this week. Work is overly stressful again, one of my best friend's step father passed away from a major heart attack, and he is having trouble dealing with it. Played poker last night and the guy whose birthday it was lost about all but 25 cents when we were done with him and I was massively hung over this morning.... I would have to say if I calculated my intake on how much i drank I'd say it was equivalent to about 18 drinks ....and yes i could still walk and talk and breathe. I don't binge like that often not sure why i did.... i guess when you get drunk and you are with friends you just kind of keep going without realizing what you just drank.

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Tired and Bored looking forward to getting this week over with. Wrapped my christmas presents last night and we are decorating the tree tonight. still doesn't feel like a holiday, it feels more like a fake one and the real one isn't supposed to happen for another year or so. I'm still not done with my shoppin technically. I guess what i got is the holiday blues...

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It's funny how my family's togetherness astounds me. We used to do everything together now we do nothing. I was left out from decorating the christmas tree. I wrapped my presents alone, I shopped for my christmas presents alone. For me holidays equals loneliness. This is why I hate holidays. oh well If ebenezer Scrooge is what they want me to be I guess I'll just have to kick some faces in. I do not wish to be sad on these holidays..... my christmas wish is to be happy and I mean truly happy and feel like a human being rather than a monster. I hope my wish comes true....

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wishes don't come true at least for me they don't. This is a blue christmas..... stuff is just stuff and this holiday it just seemed like there was a tension hanging there like the whole gift giving thing had no feeling.... it felt empty ...... like people were doing things out of politeness rather than feeling. funny how the one thing I asked for for christmas was not one of material value..... it came from what my heart asked for, and the thing is it can never be reached. The dream is too unattainable..... so I say why bother dream sometimes. another christmas gone another wish wasted..... Mr. Well... I want my quarter back.

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Too many inner demons to fight, too much bad karma, too much pain, too much alone time, and i am actually sick of being around myself. there doesn't seem to be any solution to my problem. and the only thing that prevents me from ending it is my wounded pride. I could tell all that is haunting me, but I refuse to drag anyone down to the bottom which I seem to keep sinking down to.

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well just found out from my mom today someone I know died last night. He went over his brother's house for dinner, had convulsions and a seizure and died. We knew each other since we were old enough to walk. hell he used to live a block away from each other.... not to mention he was kind of family..... not close family but family nonethe less ... you see my great grandmother and his great grandmother were sisters so we're like distant cousins.... anyhow i'm feeling very bad about that, and I'm also sick as a dog.... think I got some mild food poisoning.... I have had nausea all day and i have a headache....I want a new body.

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I am having what is starting to become a bad day, and for the first time since I don't remember when I am so disgusted with work that I am actually thinking about quitting and finding a new job. I mean the pay is ok, and the benefits are good, but i am just so disgusted with people right now it's making me very very pissed off. I was actually looking in the classified ad for a new line of work when I stumbled upon the oddest and i mean oddest ad in the paper. A TV station is actually looking for an anchor person for their morning/ noon slot.... can you believe this stuff???? I'm thinkin about making a go for it.... just think of how many minds i can corrupt with me on TV..... lol. weird they need a video tape of myself.... what the heck and I'm supposed to do on that????? oh well. I probably won't do it becuz i don't think I have a chance in hell but that is the first time I have ever seen a TV station put an ad in for a job around here.......

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well this year is about to close and I am at a loss for words. I wish to push forward and hope that this new year shall make me forget this past one. I can't say it has been a good year for me rather this has been painful. Here I sit ringing in the New year as i did the last. Alone in the darkness and with no one to share the new year with. well here's hoping for something special.... tonight my friend shall be a single drink of drambuie and nothing more.

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I don't know what started this shameful spiral to the down-trodden anti-hero tragic lifestyle i seem to now inhabit, but let me just say for every shred of human hope and happiness i seem to attain it gets ripped from me twice as fast and i lose more than i gain. I can see why i am such a waste of time, space, and energy, and that i am quite unlovable and probably down right detestable. It must be true that I am hated by someone important because I just can't seem to cease going into this negative limbo and getting sucked down to where even bottom feeders call me pathetic. what have i done to deserve this bad juju? this is going to kill me if the lonliness doesn't kill me first. I am not a loser you see..... i am a reject..... a throw away.... an emotional leper.... a social pariah..... a lost soul.... apparently a monster..a human waste..excess baggage...a garbage disposal unit... a black hole.... a poison.... a toxin... a pile of excrement....a billowing bag of bile....and a chernobyl effect. I hurt in every way possible.... physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually.... and I just can't seem to keep myself afloat any longer.... there is nothing left for me anywhere i go.... when i see my friends... i don't see my friends... i see dead strangers... I don't see my family... i see them as aquaintances.... I don't see my work place.... I see selfish greedy pigs.... I don't see the world.... I see a wasteland. I don't see me in the mirror.... I see a reflection of the room behind me without me standing there. *sigh* I don't know what i am saying at this point but all I want is just a tiny piece of happiness to come my way... something not phony this time and stay put. is that so much to ask? apparently it must be because i have been asking for it for quite sometime and i have yet to get my wish.

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