Giovetti and Giovetti, Certified Public Accountants

Comic Quotes

Some of these are oldies, but they're all goodies . . .
Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 11:50:43 -0500
Subject: Message-ID:
<939BE12B0744D211BD5A00A0C9DA3D87395DB0@xcgmd009.md.essd.northgrum.com>
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them? --
Marilyn Pittman
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the
Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? --Robin Williams
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new
boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad. --
Christopher Case
Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or
girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should
have to find you a temp. -- Bob Ettinger
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach
you how to swim." -- Paula Poundstone
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. -- Conan
O'Brien
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they're okay, then it's you. -- Rita Mae Brown
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
-- Lynda Montgomery
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.' -- Richard Jeni
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
dead. -- Johnny Carson
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. -- Paul
Rodriguez
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God
talks to us we're schizophrenic? -- Lily Tomlin
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end. -- Jerry Seinfeld
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to
tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? -- Warren
Hutcherson
Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's
why you should never date a baseball player. -- Marsha Warfield
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be.
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. -- Jeff Stilson
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something
else. -- Lily Tomlin
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same
thing: "This looks much better on." On what? On fire? -- Marsha
Warfield
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac? -- George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the
hell she is. -- Ellen DeGeneres
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. -- Carol
Leifer
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you
must eat it with naked fat people. -- Ed Bluestone
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second
day you're off it. -- Jackie Gleason
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The
girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" -- Jay
Leno
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be
caught dead in otherwise. -- Roger Simon
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight. -- George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation
Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy
it back for seventy five cents. -- William Coronel
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -- Oscar Wilde
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I
hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown
Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress
... But I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Kuwait. -- A. Whitney Brown
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to
listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're
eating sandwiches. -- Jim Carrey
________________________________________________________________