Children and Skin Color

I need help understanding this issue, and explaining it to my 4-yr
daughter. This has been coming up since she was 2, but I kept ignoring it
for two reasons: 1) I really did not know what to say, 2) I thought she
will forget it soon. but the issue keeps coming up and I need to learn
what to do and how to react.

We are from middle-east and my daughter has a sort of dark complexion,
slightly darker than my own and closer to my husband's.
When she was 2, she kept asking me:"mom, am I black?" I did not know what
to say. I didn't want to say "no" and draw a distinctive line between
people, and didn't want to say "yes" and lie to her.( there were certain
factors in her school at the time that I thought contributed to this issue
and I hoped that would go away once she would change shcool)

she changed her school and has been in a different school for the past
1.5 years. now, she keeps asking me:"mom, why am I darker than you?"
and she is particularly very close to one of her teachers who is half
African-American and her skin tone is exactly like my daughter's. She
calls that teacher "mom" in school! my daughter says she calls her mom
because they have the same "skin color". She loves her, and even tells
me about calling her "mom" with pride at home! it seems like the issue
is very important to her; and she is only 4!

what concerns me most is the fact that she is so concerned about her
skin color and keeps asking about it. I don't know how to explain it
to her. I have lectured her about "what makes a person nice and
lovely, is not only beauty but such and such" and that "beauty does
not have any standards, etc."

I must admit that being raised in another country where people of all
races, cultures, and religions live together, marry each other, and
never actually think of each other as different "races" (it was new to
me as it is here in this country!) I am not prepared for answering
such questions... I was hoping that my daughter would not have an
accent, and would not be subject to discrimination. now I see that she
is already sensing it! more than I do with my heavy accent! I don't
know how she has felt it?! but she is very sensitive to her "skin
color" and it is the time for me to explain many things to her... and
I honestly don't know what to say, and how to say it. I don't want to
talk about discrimination to her and already fit it in her brain. I
prefer her to see a color blind world. but then I see that I can't
prevent it, she is experiencing it somehow already and I must prepare
her for new experiences. In short, I am puzzled and really need some
help, please...your experience as a child, as a parent of such a
child, a book, etc....thanks in advance.

Answers

1 (a mother)

I think it's great that you're willing to tackle this difficult
subject with your daughter. You are doing the right thing in
responding to her questions. One idea is to pull out the family photo
album and say, "in the country I come from _____, people have all
different skin colors" and point out different relatives and talk
about their skin tones. Then say "here in the US (or Berkeley!) people
also have different skin colors" and talk about some people you
know. then explain that the people we call "black" or "african
american" (she's old enough to get these as synonyms) all came at some
time from Africa, just the way you came from the Middle East, and the
people we call "white" or European American all came at some time from
Europe. Then point out that black people don't have black skin and
white people don't have white skin (crayons might help here!) but
point out the wide range of skin colors that go with every ethnic
group. That way you're moving away from an essentializing (and false)
notion of biological race toward an idea of ethnic group belonging,
which may help your daughter as she forms her identity. However you
choose to approach this conversation, take it in small doses, don't
feel like you have to say everything all at once.

Also, I too struggle with how much I want to reveal to my children
about discrimination, past and present, but I think it's good to talk
about it, bc kids pick up on it (as your daughter seems to have
already), and if all we say is "everyone's equal" than there's a
disconnect between their perceptions and our message. I think it's
much better to say "everyone's equal, BUT some people treat/treated
other people unfairly just because they have dark skin/are
women/Jewish."

The National Association for the Education of Young Children has a
nice brochure on talking to young children about diversity and
discrimination, but unfortunately I don't have their number or
address. The Parents Leadership Institute has separate workshops on
tackling racism for white parents and parents of color. I know nothing
about the workshops, but their number is (650) 424-8687. (the
workshops are in Berkeley, but this is a Palo Alto number).

Best wishes to you and your daughter!

2 (a mother)

I am the mother of three boys ages 4, 2, and 6 mos. Both my husband
and I are of Latin American descent. I was born in Guatemala and
raised here in the states. My husband is Mexican-American. We both
have dark complexions-- cafe-au-lait like. My children have not yet
asked me about their skin color but I expect they will sooner or
later. However, I have given this issue some thought and have had long
discussions with my husband about it. I'd like to share some of these
thoughts if I may. As someone else already said, it's not possible to
bring up children to be "color-blind" in this place and time. Our
children will be judged in part by the color of their skins. That is
just a fact. But it is possible to bring them up to love themselves as
they are and to respect and appreciate others regardless of their skin
color. Like you, I am very conscious of the way our society tends to
ascribe traits, such as beauty, to the lighter shades of skin. I don't
know that we can completely undo this.

But I'll share some of my strategies for dealing with this in our
family. Once in a while, when it feels appropriate such as at
bathtime or get -dressed time in the morning I will remark on how
beautiful they are. I do this spontaneously. Occassionally, I will
make a point about their skin color saying something like "look at
that chocolate colored nose, and those almond eyes -- They are
beautiful". This usually will result in Gabriel looking at himself in
the mirror and smiling a proud smile. I try to sprinkle comments such
as these as situations arise and I also point out other children
(especially babies) at the playground or at the store, remarking on
how beautiful they are and pointing out specifically their own shade
of brown. I do this because I realize that he is surrounded with
images and messages that say that the lighter you are the more
beautiful you are and I can't shield him from this completely. My hope
is that if he accepts that he is dark and beautiful, he will be better
able to handle situations that will arise later on.

Other anecdotes you may be interested in hearing: His best friend, who
he goes swimming with, has got red hair and he once made a comment
about her pink nose (she is part African-American). This started a
laughter filled exchange between the two of them. They were stepping
on eachother's toes in the locker room saying "Mine are pink, yours
are tan" and viceversa. Another time an older preschooler at Gabriel's
school approached my baby who was sitting in his car-seat and said
with a sense of wonderment "a brown baby, that's because his mommy and
daddy are brown". The other tots just stood there quietly gazing at my
baby for a while. In short, I believe that it is better to be up front
and concrete with children this age group. By this I mean that when
they bring it up it is better to address it head-on and use terms and
adjectives that are concrete to them and that you feel comfortable
using. In my case, we use lot of food terms such as "Chocolate milk",
" sweet brown sugar", "honey colored hair"etc. I know I'm not being
technically correct but they get the message I want to convey. I
don't know if any of this helps, but I hope it does. If you'd like
"chat" about other related issues email me at Samaniego@aol.com. Good
Luck.

3 (a mother)

color of skin: The color of your daughter's skin is brown, as it is for
very every living human on the planet. No one has skin that is literally
black or white (let alone red or yellow); we are just all different shades
of brown with varying undertones of red or yellow. If you could somehow
line up everyone on Earth, ordering them from light to dark shades of
brown, you would not be able to distinguish color differences between
any two people anywhere on the line.

I don't know if you can get this concept across to your four year
old daughter, but you can try.

You might point out that people use those highly inaccurate terms
"white" and "black" to really talk about where people's ancestors
came from, and that there are better, much more descriptive words to
use such as African American or European American, or Arabic American
or Indian American, etc.

One nice book which was put together by a kindergarten class in
Pennsylvania is "We are all alike; we are all different." Another
resource would be to go to the children's section of your local
library and ask the librarian for any books that deal with ethnic
diversity.

If you can refocus your daughter's attention on the rich ethnic
diversity found in this country, different cultures, foods, etc.,
perhaps you can get her to see that skin color is not important.
This whole black/white distinction is anachronistic (must date
back to slavery, don't you think?) and the sooner we get away
from it the better.

4 (a mother)

In response to a mother's concerns about her 4 year old daughter and her
lovely brown skin, we have a similar situation at our house. My husband is
Filipino and very brown, I'm caucasian, and both children are of obvious
mixed ethnicity but nearly impossible to identify. My son is 8 and my
daughter 5, and both of them went through a big skin color awareness when
they were about 3 or 4. They were in a home-based day care with African
American caregivers and mostly African American kids, and at that time
decided that they were "brown" like their friends, and I was "white."
Although I explained at the time that this was not exactly correct, they
continued to insist it was, and that was fine with me. As they moved into
preschool and school, they discovered the many variations of skin color and
how many different places and reasons there are for this. They both know
that their brown skin comes from their father, their Jewish heritage comes
from me, that they are rich in many cultures and that they are unique - as
are all the other children and people they meet. You are obviously teaching
your daughter all the right things, and she will soon have enough awareness
to understand the differences - and the fact that there are people in the
world who choose to dislike people for their appearance or the country they
are born in or their religion. I don't think it is possible to be
color-blind in this country, but it is possible to acknowledge and enjoy the
endless variety. The Bay Area, in my experience, is the best place to live
and to raise children who are neither black or white, but a beautiful shade
of brown. Feel free to e-mail me directly if you want to talk about this more.

5 (a mother)

I am the adoptive mother of two children from Guatemala, ages 7 & 3 who
have brown skin (I am white). My older daughter began noticing that we
looked different when she was around 3. I have always simply said "most
people look like their birth parents -- eyes, hair, skin color, etc. You
have medium brown skin because your birth parents' had medium brown skin,
and I have lighter skin because my birth parents had lighter skin," which
has satisfied her so far. I think you may be reading more into your
daughter's question than is really there. Young children are very concrete
thinkers, maybe all you need to say is "You inherited your darker skin from
Daddy," and point out some other feature she inherited from you. When she
asks about skin color and you answer by discussing beauty & "niceness" you
are assuming she is making a connection between outward appearance and
inner qualities, but she may not be. The fact that she has noticed that
people come in different colors doesn't necessarily mean that she has
noticed that they are sometimes treated differently or has come to feel
that one color is "better" than another.

I'm also the mother of a 9 month-old who is "multi-racial" (Puerto Rican,
Indonesian, and African American) and I'm REALLY looking forward to
answering the question, "Mom, what color am I?" in about 3-4 years.

Anyway, when I was a kid, the question from other kids, was not "what color
are you," but just "what are you?" I remember kids asking me if I
was "mixed" (i.e., black and white), "Spanish" or "Indian." I must have
been bothered by this enough to ask my mother, "what am I?" Her response
was along the lines of "Well, I'm not black, I'm not white, I'm Puerto
Rican. So that makes you Puerto Rican (and Indonesian)." So, for the
past 30+ years, when asked the what-are you-question, I respond that I'm
Puerto Rican and Indonesian.

This is the approach that I think I'm going to use when my daughter asks me
the what-color-am-I question. That's, "well, I'm Puerto Rican & Indonesian
and you're dad is African American. So that makes you Puerto
Rican-Indonesian-African American." It's kind of side-stepping the color
question, but in her/my case, I think it's appropriate. Also, I think that
when kids ask other kids, what color are you?, they are not necessarily
expecting one of two answers (black or white), but it's their way of asking
about your ethnicity or "nationality," as kids used to call it in my day.

So, maybe instead of trying to give a very specific answer to your
daughter's very specific question, you should engage her in a larger
conversation about your ethnicity, country of origin, and culture, and
then go from there. Like I said, I'm REALLY looking forward to this
question from my daughter some day.

Hope this helps.

7 (a mother)

I have had to address the issue of color with my son who is now 9 years old
and African-American. He asked me questions about color when he was about
the same age as your daughter.

What I have found is that it doesn't pay to get too abstract or
philosophical with children that young because they don't fully understand
what you are saying, will often forget it quickly or remember it in some
strange way. What I did with my son is I explained things to him gradually
as he was able to handle more abstract concepts. So, when he was four, I
would simply answer his questions. For example, if he asked me what color
he was, I'd say you are brown (because at that time he was not ready for me
to explain that people have labeled one another as black, white, yellow,
red etc... even though people are not literally those colors.) I also
explained that his little brother is lighter than he is because sometimes
we look more like mom or dad or even like grandma and grandpa and that he
looks more like me and his brother looks more like his father with his
grandmother's hair color.

Later, I showed him on a map where our ancestors came from and that people
there are darker than people in say Europe and are called "black" or
African and "African-American" when born here.

Without going into each and every step I took with explaining things to
him, I hope you can see that what I'm saying is you can just simply give
her a straightforward answer. If she wants to know why she's darker than
you are, just tell her that she got her daddy's skin color, your eyes,
grandma's haircolor etc...... and also, the sun makes our skin darker too,
and she probably spends more time playing outside in the sun that mom does.

Unfortunately, we live in a country where people are overly preoccupied
with skin color so its bound to rub off on our children, so I think the
best thing to do is to give answers as simply as possible and in an age
appropriate manner. Afterall, prejudice and misconceptions are passed on to
children by their parents. As she gets older you can explain to her how
unfortunate it is that there are many people in this world who care about
skin color and that she can chose to be wiser than that.

8 (a mother)

In response to your concerns about addressing color with your 4-yr old old,
now is the time. I recommend contacting Pact, An Adoption Alliance for a
list of the books they offer for sell. Although your daughter is not
adopted, they can help you. Much of their book list addresses issues
specific to adoption, but many others are just great books that are *very*
race-aware, due to the inseparability of race from the world of adoption,
and Pact's willingness to working with white parents adopting children of
color. One of this big issues in an adoption situation such as this is
that parents must be prepared for questions such as the ones your daughter
is coming home with.

Good luck.

9 (a mother)

How about showing your daughter a globe or world map and
explaining that you come from this area called the Middle
East? Then point out other areas and say white people
generally come from here and black people come from here
and asians from here. Then if you think she can get the
idea, explain that after a few generations these groups can
get mixed together and you end up with all kinds of people.

Good luck, sounds like a tough question.

10 (a mother)

I don't know if I have any good advice for you, but I can give you an example
of what happened with my sister (7 years younger than me). We are Filipino,
which means that our ancestry is very mixed - indigenous Filipino (a Malay
people), Spanish and Chinese that we know of, possibly other influences. I
came out looking more Chinese and fair (for a Filipina). My sister on the
other hand
came out more Filipina and very dark. When my sister was about 4 or 5,
her skin started peeling a little - it was the end of the summer and I think
she had just gotten too much sun. She was so excited and asked our mother
if the new skin coming in would be white. She was (and still is) really
sensitive about her appearance and always wants to look like everyone else.
(we were living in a predominantly white community, with no other
Filipinos). My mother was horrified, and started making more of an
effort to try to explain our culture to her, and how we are different from
the people we lived near, but that didn't make us any worse (or better)
than them. She also started trying to explain why people are different colors -
that it is a response to living in different climates, but I know this is hard
for a very young child to understand. I'm not sure if it made my sister
feel any better, she never really mentioned it again. But she is now a
very well
adjusted 22 year old who is happy with who she is.

But it is hard in school. You're always going to be singled
out because you are different. Even now, I forget about this until I go
to the Philippines and realize that I get off the plane and breathe a sigh
of relief because suddenly I'm like everyone else (of course I spend a
few days there and realize that, thats only on the outside. On the inside
I'm really American - I moved here when I was 2).

My parents never really told us to expect to be treated differently, or about
discrimination, I think I just sort of figured it out on my own. I'm not sure
what the best way to handle your situation is, and I'm sure when my
baby is born we are going to have to do similar explaining because my
husband is white, so our child is going to be even more confused about
what it is. I think the only thing you can do is to try explaining how people
are different, but show your child through your actions that people are people,
regardless of what they look like. My theory (based on zero experience with
children of my own but rather my relationship with my own parents), is that
kids really learn more from what their parents
do and how they behave than what their parents tell them.

I hope this helps, at least in not feeling alone.

Good luck!

11 (a mother)

I don't have any real answers (although perhaps the Ethnic Studies people
on campus, particularly those who work on mixed race issues do) except to
say that I personally went/have gone through this also for 36 years. I'm
the darkest complected child in a large family. The "color" comes from a
Peruvian grandfather. People never know what to make of me. I always get
questions such as "And where are you from?" said with a very inquistive
look or "Are you Black or white or what?" The latter came from a young
black school girl in Memphis where at the time there was not a significant
Latino population. And my young son is light skinned with blue eyes. People
often mistake me for his nanny. When and where I grew up on the East Coast
there weren't many Latinos. I went to predominantly Black high school. I
gravitated towards "United Nations" friends - Black, White, Korean, etc. I
think I've always felt a little like I fell between the cracks in terms of
"color" and culture and the check boxes on ethnicity questionaires. The Bay
Area is definitely a diversity haven of sorts, even though people still
segregate themselves somewhat. Having darker skin definitely led me to have
different experiences from my siblings and to develop somewhat different
sensibilities (and to some extent, different politics). I think it may also
be one reason why I am in African Studies now.

The moral of all this? I definitely feel my life has been enriched by my
skin color. But when I was younger, it marked me as "different" especially
when we lived in neighborhoods which weren't very diverse. As I got older
and there were others with darker skin, I was still "different" because I
was not African American. I think I would have benefitted from some
straight forward discussions with my family and my peers. Given that you
are in the Bay Area, your daughter will have the opportunity to know people
from all sorts of backgrounds. Being able to have a dialogue about it may
entail some pro-active efforts to raise the issue. You know, it is
ultimately part of the craziness of racism in America that these things
play out as they do.

If you do find some good books for kids, I'd be interested. My son is going
to face the question in reverse: why is his mother so dark!

12 (a mother)

It is very important to give our daughter(s) a positive image about themselves.
First, we need to feel positive about ourselve and our own culture. There are
many good books with good images for girls with colors or from different
culture. The Children's Dept. at S. F. Public Library and Berkeley Public
Library can help you with more books.

A sample list:

Amazing Grace by Mary Hoffman

Aunt Harriet's underground railroad in the sky

Bimwili & the Zimwi: a tale from Zanzibar

The girl who loved wild horses (native American girl

I speak English for my mom by Muriel Stanek - Responsible Lupe is translator
for her Spanish-speaking mother in this illustrated common-problem story.

Lon po po: A red-riding hood story from China

Nessa's fish by Nancy Luenn (Inuit)

The story of Ruby Bridges by Robert Coles - Inspiring true story of a 6-year-
old African Amerian girl's courageous efforts to integrate an all-white new
New Orleans elementary school.

Tar beach by Faith Ringgold - 8-ear-old Cassie imagines flying over her Harlem
home and neighborhood.

Abuela's weave - a Guatemalan girl overcomes fears when she helps her
grandmother sell a tapestry they have woven together.

To learn good role models from all culture will help us and our children
to recognize and respect all culture and colors.

Sorry for many mistakes I typed. "8-year-old Cassie"... Good luck.

13 (a mother)

dentity politics are tricky. and, as you have figured out, "color blind"
naivet\151 will not sort it out for you or your daughter.

i am "african american" and husband is a british-born "south asian" and our
daughter is 11 mos old. we are muslim. i am an ethnic studies major and
my husband was/is a public school teacher, my father-in-law is a
psychiatrist. and we very familiar with identity politics, psychology,
family, generation gaps, and this state-side lifestyle.

would be very happy to talk with you woman-to-woman, mom-to-mom,
"sister-to-sister". ...

14 (a mother)

My daughter, also 4, began asking questions about color last year. I am
African American and white (light in complexion), and my husband is
brown-skinned, from Jamaica. My daughter's complexion is somewhere between
ours. We see both my parents and my husband's mother, and it seems that
after these visits she asks the most questions. She can't seem to figure out
why my mother is so light. She wonders why everyone on our street is brown.
Unfortunately, she has already picked up negative messages about being
brown, which we have tried to counter by explaining that it's what inside
that counts. On the other hand, I have also tried to make understated
references to the beauty of brown people. She has spent some time trying to
figure out just who is brown, while I've tried to emphasize that we're all
different shades of brown. She's not buying it ("*Grammy's* brown?!"). One
time in conversation she grouped herself and her father together because
they "match", and me and her brother together (our son takes after my
mother). While I have been reluctant to introduce her to American
understandings of race, I think her questions persist because she notices
how inequality is patterned along racial, that is, "color" lines. She
already sees that white standards of beauty are more highly prized, that our
neighborhood with all its brown people is also poorer (a point she seems to
always mention when she goes to her white friends' houses). What I am doing
for my child is what my parents did for me: present positive images of the
contributions made by "browner" peoples to American and world history,
through trips to the library, friends, etc. I don't think this has to be
done in a heavy handed way, but in a relaxed, almost ordinary manner. In my
case, they emphasized African American history because it was virtually
absent from our school's curriculum, and because they wanted us to relate to
our personal history, but they also exposed us to other groups as well.

15 (a mother)

I read your email yesterday and the question has been very present in my
mind since then. Being a mother of a 2.5 years old girl make me guess
sooner or later I am going to face with questions similar to this
myself. So I really want you to know that this is a very sensitive issue
for me also. I also want to appreciate you for being sensitive and
present with the stages that your child is going through. I really
acknowledge you for being so aware and such a good listener for every
questions that comes to her mind. However The following questions just
comes to my mind when I read your email. I just want to understand if
the fact that she has a darker skin from most people around herself is
bothering her or she is just aware of it and wants to understand how
does it happen that people have different skin colors. I hope you don't
mind thinking about these question;

Is it possible that she is just asking this question without having any
concept of what it means in this society of being white or black? If so
I would just explain to her the reason that she has a darker skin than
even her mom. I would probably tell her about the country she was born,
her family back home and show her their pictures. I would show her other
pictures from different races that have different looks without giving
her any concept of beauty.
I definitely don't mention the word beauty without explaining to her
that beauty does not come just with looks, and even if I find out she is
concern about this issue I would then end up showing several pictures of
women with darker skin that are know to public as beautiful women. (of
course I hope I don't have to do that. And even if I have to, I would
wait until I am 100% sure that her question is coming out of this
issue.)

What I am saying is that these concepts are only mean certain things to
us just because how it was defined for us in our community. However in a
child mind it is very possible that she is only expressing what she is
seeing, and that is the fact that she has a darker skin than most people
around herself.
Simply she has asked you why she has a different skin color. you did not
mention that she is upset with this fact. Reading your email does not
even say that the concept of beauty comes from her mind. my
understanding from your email is that you think she keeps asking this
question because she is concern that she may not be considered as a
beautiful girl. The key is that most of the times adults give meanings
to whatever a child is saying from their own point of view which could
be very very different from the child.
I hope opening these question will help you to understand the main
source of your daughter's questions.

Take care,

16 (the frist madar who raised the question)

My daughter knows that she is beautiful. She is a
Persian Doll for Holloween, with connected eye-brows, beauty mark near her
lips, red blush and lipstick in an Iranian custom. she gets many
compliments.

She does not ask questions about skin color anymore.

However, her friends in her summer school, kindergarden, and after
school are only black.

I expect her to have friends of all colors which can easily be found in
her schools. Has she resolved the skin color issue for herself in a
certain way?

this is only a part of the bigger picture that concerns me:
how do our children identify themselves?
I would really like to know if other parents see
that their children have similar behavior patterns, for example, mixing
with other minorities (Mexican, Greek, Italian, ...) more than white
Americans. I know that as adults we may mix with other minorities because
we share similar experiences such as language barrier, lack of experience
in the US, etc.

but our children have no language barrier, and are supposedly equal!
do they already sense subtle discrimination?

As an old child, I realize that learning and self-esteem is a continual
process and cannot be learned or changed over night. so, I'd better start
directing my children to the right direction (if I can find it) now.

...and yes, my dear husband thinks that I am too worried, and things will
resolve by time... but looking at the racial picture in this society, I am
not so sure.

17 (a madar)

I'm envious of you that your community is so diverse. Where we live, on the
Peninisula, most of the kids at my son's school are blond, blue-eyed, and very
Whitebread, as people say. We could use an infusion of diversity here. The
only African-American and Hispanic kids we have are bused in from East Palo
Alto, so not only are their skin colors different, but their culture and
socio-economic background are at the opposite pole. It's hard on them and
hard on the other kids, but mostly (and unfortunately), the groups don't ever
really mix.

My son is not sabzeh, but fair-skinned. Still, he has very dark hair,
connecting eyebrows, and deep brown eyes. To other Iranians, he looks
Iranian, but I don't think the other kids see him as anything but white. I'm
not sure if this would be the case in Berkeley or not. We also, have taught
him about his Persian heritage and he is very proud. For some reason, the
other kids don't seem to identify him in that way. I'm not sure why. Maybe
because I'm half-American.

I think there must be an undercurrent of discrimination everywhere in this
country. I grew up both here (and in Iran) and I seen how racial attitudes
have changed. I'd say that, overall, they have become more healthy. I was
just in Europe and I came across a lot
more racial discrimination and paranoia than I've ever experienced in the
States. For that, I think we can be grateful. But for the future, I don't
see racism ever becoming extinct, just more managable.

Happy Halloween -- a day when we can be who we aren't -- or who we really are!

Best,

18 (an Iranian teenager )

Race and ethnicity are two different concepts that need to be explained to
your child. Race of course follows into white, African-American, Asian, and
Hispanic. Ethnicity is cultural heritage. Your kid is already confronted
with issue of racism. It is your job as a parent to explain to her this
concept. Race and ethnicity are both socially constructed concepts that have
deep historical roots in this country. No matter what you do you can never
escape issue of racism in this country. It is constructed in its social
structure. Therefore, it is not only accent that sets people apart it is
also other components such as class, race and gender. You are better off
telling your kid about her heritage and letting her know that she is
different than other kids, however not less.

19 (a pedar)

I don not think that what you are saying
is the total picture of your daughter's friends.
She has all different kind of friend
from veriaty of colors, you are getting a little more attention to her black
ones. If you go back to her previous school,
you would see she has white freinds, too.
the only thing that I can think of it is that since
balck kids may be more socially active and more friendly as thier parents are,
they are getting more attention of other kids who are looking to get someone
to play with.

20 (an Iranian-American )

You shouldn't take it too hard, when your child refers to the black
teacher as her "mom". Adults tend to over analyze things and be overly
preoccupied with things, and to feel insecure at the slightest
provocation. Children are really very off-handed and playful, and don't
attach the same significance to things that adults do. Your child will
know who is their real mom, and who really loves her, regardless of what
kind of "mom" game she plays.

I have heard that psychologists claim that a child will have a special
affection for the parent of the opposite sex. Therefor, the child may
show a preference for people who look like that parent, or who look like
they are from that parent's ethnic group. I can say that my idea of a
beautiful woman is my mother ( who is white Scandinavian-Irish-French
American), and women who look like her. I can also say that my idea of
the most physically beautiful people is people who have the same
physical features as my mother: northern europeans. This seems to be a
widely recognized phenomenon. Everyone makes distinctions based on their
own particular idea of what is beautiful; even multiculturalists and
egalitarians do.

Sometimes parents tend to become over-concerned and alarmist, and label
this or that benign behavior of a young child as evidence of something
abnormal or something that needs to be fretted over, or take things
personally. The fact that we think, as adults, that it is abnormal to
even notice racial differences, and that we have an abhorance for
admitting that they exist, while these things seem self evident to a
child, should tell us something.

It should tell us that it is we who have the problem, not the child. We
are the ones who have an unnatural and conditioned fear, and were taught
that it is bad to draw lines between people based on appearance;
children do these things without a second thought, and if there is any
behavior that is natural, it is the behavior that children display
before being conditioned by their parents and society.
Remember what Marie Currie said: " Nothing is to be feared, only to be
understood".

Trying to deny things which are visually obvious to an observant child
will get a parent no where; I remember well enough the attempts of one
of my parents to deny something which was very obvious to me as a child.
The result was not that I stopped observing things that this particular
parent considered inconvenient; the result was that that parent lost
credibility in my eyes.

As adults, we have developed adroit methods of lying to others and to
ourselves because we are scared of reality, and prefer our illusions.
But these aren't available to children, and they aren't burdened with
the need to be afraid. The worst thing that any parent can do is to get
angry at a child for being naturally curious and observant. Once we no
longer have this natural curiousity and observance, its loss is possibly
permanent, and life is not as fun.

Multiculturalists and diversity fascists are just as guilty as racists
in imagining that drawing lines between races is the same as recognizing
differences in human character, value and worth. They are also just as
guilty as the racists in using fear as a motive to induce the rest of us
to believe what they want us to believe.

While we needn't think that one race is superior to another, it is
natural for someone to identify with someone who looks like them, or who
looks like one of their parent's. And while we needn't think that one
culture is superior to another, people have their preferences, and after
they play connoisuer a bit and sample other people's cultures, it is
natural and usual for them to return to something that is familiar to
them: their own.

For multiculturalists that fault this assertion, they would do well to
remember that they are showing themselves not to be too anxious to leave
their own familiar cultures too far behind them ( even if that culture
is multiculturalism itself).

No one thinks that a child is evil for loving their own mother more than
they love their other fellow human beings. I would certainly do things
for my mother that I would do for no one else. Nore would anyone be
surprised at why a parent loves thier own children and takes pride in
them more than other people's children. That is certainly an act of
discrimination, but it is entirely natural. Why then would it be
unnatural for a human being to show preference for that group of people
that their mother or father belong too?

As Jesus said, " The Sabath was made for man, not man for the Sabath".

Of course there is the danger that any such child might end up being
plagued with an obsession with labels and have this unnecessary burden
for the rest of their life. But this will not happen through the child's
own natural curiousity, but through the attitudes of adults, who would
attach a particular significance to differences in physical appearance (
be they multiculturalists or racists).

Children from same-race and same-culture marriages may not have to deal
with these things to a very large extent; they can treat the question of
differences between races and cultures as a simple matter of social
skills and manners, while in their own mind never doubting what race or
culture they belong to; it is something which does not have such a large
impact on their lives as it does for a child of an inter-racial,
cross-cultural couple. This is something that is part of the package of
multicultural and inter-racial marriages. People who want an
inter-racial or cross cultural marriage often do not think ahead, and
see the difficulties that may arise. Among other things, they are goaded
on by the encouragement of others, and are made to feel like they are
doing something noble and graceful by ignoring some of the very same
things that a child might see.

As long as there isn't strife in the home between father and mother (
which could happen due to cultural differences), the child should feel a
little less torn between their father's people and culture, and their
mother's people and culture.

My father is Iranian and my mother is American. From this situation, I
can understand why anyone should have an identity crisis, who is the
result of an inter-racial and cross cultural marriage. But these things
come with the package of such a marriage, and it is well for anyone who
wants such a marriage to consider the consequences and difficulties it
might have. Regardless of what you like to believe, and regardless of
what type of thinking is now being fashionably promoted, such parents
must finally come to grips with this situation. Popular culture promises
us that there are no real differences between people, and that all
people can get along, and that part of the price we pay for these
benefits is that we must ignore differences, if we see them. But the
people who popularized this viewpoint will not be there to bail you out,
should they be proven wrong in the laboratory of an inter-racial or
cross-cultural marriage. Their interest is not your or my well-being,
but rather it is the promotion of their own particular aggenda and their
own gratification. So we needn't pay them any particular attention.

21 (a mother)

My 16 year old told me the other day that when one of her friends saw me for
the first time they told her, "I didn' know your Mom was white!"
My children run the spectrum, from the most beautiful black baddomi eyed
Persian beauties, to green eyes and blondish hair. You should see the faces as
people try to figure out how they can place labels. :)

22 (a daughter)

One of the things that I love about Iran is the fact that we have so
many shades of color, and no real deep-seated hatred or racism. At
worst, we have "lookism" (trying to look European) or predjudice - but
no one is hanging anyone - I love explaining that to people. And I
love the rainbow in our family - my sister and grandmother have bright
red hair, my father has green eyes, my uncle has dark dark brown skin
color, and the rest of us are somewhere in the middle.

Now, I have a question - is it just me, or are Iranians unusually
obsessed with looks (particularly women's looks) - and do we get more
plastic surgery (on our noses) more than any other ethnic group, or
what? Every time I hang around groups of Iranians, I feel sick by how
shallow our "wonderful culture" is - especially with regards to women.
Is it just my imagination?
Please send your replies and/or opinions regarding this subject to
madar-pedar@surya.eecs.berkeley.edu.