Human vs. Kitten War

God is about to kill this kitten. But don't worry. It would have grown up to be the next Hitler.

The Human vs. Kitten War III was a the third of five wars between humans and kittens which lasted over NINE THOUSAND years. It was won by the kittens, and began in 2012 and ended in the year 9,672. It started over a comment written by a drunk kitten on a napkin in a KFC resturant--900,000 years after the war by the last living thing on earth, a kitten, who was really really really really pissed that he was the last on earth because of the war, and then that got sucked into a time rift and was pulled to 1991 and started the whole event. Both sides were promised by God that masturbation would cause mass deaths on the other side. Consquently, both sides began vigourous, and violent, masturbation, inflicting devastating friction burns.

This video shows a kitten during one of their infamous Blood Frenzies.

Humans have always seen kittens as being dictators who meowed whenever they wanted food, or wanted a human to massage them. Tensions have always existed, but were usually subdued in their mutual hatred for the human-like monkeys. Due to the success of the human-designed Deforestation weapon, monkeys now barely exist. Kitten vs. Human tension thus rose to the surface as both sought to gain control of the world.

Kittens are responsible for circumcision. They attempted to use circumcision to stop masturbation, unfortunately for them they forgot about those who are uncircumcised, not Jewish or able to masturbate anyway but for longer periods of time. And unfortunately for us, an evil kitten, Fornicating Magpie, invented something even more horrible then circumcision. He invented female circumcision. Almost 7% of world's female population is already circumcised and therefore it's impossible for them to masturbate. Kittens call it The Ultimate Weapon. Masturbation rate went dangerously low after kittens invented this. Thus, thanks to all girl slumber parties, the masturbation rate was soon back to normal and the stalemate continued until the battle of Verkatnippen.

During the cold winter of 2004, the war, already becoming stagnated as both sides equalised each other out, had turned to much darker methods. Undercover humans disguised as Kittens and other neutral animals took to infiltrating the Kitten ranks. These operatives, known as Furries, resorted to guerilla tactics to hasten the demise of the kitten. It wasn't long before the Kittens retaliated, with the infamous Cata Hari, personally responsible for over 400 human fatalities.

On 25 December 2400, the kitten army launched a massive uncoordinated masturbation session or Clumsy Kitty Circle Jerk. God began to entertain them with mass art attacks, but this was too slow in killing off the human's appetites for Kitty Porn. Instead, God decided to lunch at tsunami a chic bistro in South Asia with some of the human race's worst wankers (or "salami slappers" as the kittens called them, the little vixens). The Death Troll was hounded for her autograph in urine on newsprint by nearly 250,000 humans, and in her haste she slaughtered many but also took out some kittens, who then had to regroup.

The human species began a counter-offensive soon afterwards, with New York leading the way as they are all wankers. Kitten deaths have been high, with some estimating nearly one million killed so far. The kittens have largely been driven into hiding, but are suspected to be preparing a counter-mass-masturbation soon, using newly researched 'Kitty Litter'(TM) damage multipliers. Meanwhile, the US government is preparing an auto-masturbate system, which would allow humans to masturbate without any effort. (See also: Women).
From the Human vs. Kitten Wars came some positive social aspects. People who were girlfriendless losers and or unlucky with women were now the army's greatest generals and war heros. In this way men that were forgotten by society were now given the recognition they deserve for their talents.

Human scientists, by accident, discovered that Bill Gates's face is hideously ugly enough that when unmasked, any kittens witnessing this atrocity are instantly smitten by God. These scientists are trying to develop an ultimate kitten-killing weapon, consisting of Bill Gates and a system of mirrors that will finally eliminate the great Kitten menace.

The Kittens are fighting back...YES THEY ARE!!! They are using guerilla tactics to prey on the weak and innocent humans to gain control of important territories such as the United States of America and The Glorious Reformed Republic of the Soviet Union. They use the "pounce and scratch" technique to gain the element of surprise and overwhelm the victim to avoid being huffed.
Good for them. currently, the fighting takes place on earth, urth, Middle Earth, the therion system, garnox, the kitten homeworld, minos-gamma-theta, and the mighty colony world, capital of kitten existence, jupitur.

Above: A kitten demonstrating the infamous "pounce and scratch" technique to destroy an intruding human. Notice how the kitten uses its hind claws to apply pressure to the balls so the human cannot defend.

It is rumored that the underground resistance is rebuilding its forces. Richard Gere is secretly joining up, stating, "Kittens, not hamsters, are the new threat of the millenium. I may not be great with weapons but I fully plan to pwn a few kittens even if I have to shove them up my ass to save my comrades." He is calling on such notable kitten-rebels as
Patricia Heaton, Oprah Winfrey, Christian Bale and Your Mom to re-arm the rebellion. You never know when they may strike next...
it is also suspected that the sith lord turkmenbashi may become involved.