[Erowid Note: While it may be that the substances described below are MDA and MDMA, Ecstasy tablets are notoriously impure or mis-represented, often containing chemicals other than those they are presumed to contain. This report is marked as an MDA report, but readers should be aware that this is more of a general Ecstasy report.]

This is going to be a little (scratch that, a LOT) long, but if a description of my experiences with pills over the last three months might be helpful to others, then it's worth writing them out.

I was first introduced to pills in Mid-September of this year. prior to this, I had never experimented with anything harder than pot, so my first experience was absolutely amazing. I was introduced first to MDA by a friend of mine who has a lot more experience with a wide variety of drugs than I do. I came home one night from a party pissed off and depressed, and ran into him outside. We decided to head back out, but before we could leave, the subject of MDA (White Apples, in this case) came up, and I suggested we take those instead of going back out to a bar.

It was incredible. We took the pills (just one for me), smoked a couple of bowls, and went out walking. Initially I was still drunk from earlier that night, and all fucked up from the weed, but as I started to come up, my head cleared completely. I had no trouble walking straight, I was talking completely coherently, and exhibiting no sign that I was high. My friend and I went downtown and sat by the waterfront for hours, talking. It was an incredible period of self-exploration for both of us, one that I will never forget.

We both talked about ourselves, deeper conversations than we'd ever had before. We realized things that had been bothering us in our respective lives, and realized how great we both actually are. It wasn't that the drug had given us confidence, so much, it's that it had opened us up to seeing thngs as they were. Any insecurities were wiped away. The best part was that this feeling lasted long after the come down (Which, from MDA, was almost non-existant). I'm still carrying with me now, two months later, the feeling of well-being from the first few times I took the drug.

My friend and I took MDA a few more times together, with similar results. At that point, it seemed impossible to have a bad trip on MDA. Whatever my mindstate when I took it, as soon as it came on it would elevate and open me, and I would have a great time.

All good things must come to an end, however. Eventually, the supply of white apples, which are not usually common in my city, ran out. We decided to try MDMA, see how similar it was to MDA. My friend's dealer had gotten in some Versaces and we took those a few times. They were never really as enjoyable as the MDA. We had a couple of good trips, usually with another friend of ours, but a couple of bad ones too. The general impression both of us had was that MDMA was a) speedier and b) less completely wholesome. While on MDA, there was simply no room in my head for bad thoughts. Everything seemed great. on MDMA, it was more like 95% good, 5% bad, and it was possible to slip into a spiral of bad thoughts.

That was what happened on my last roll, about three weeks ago. My friend and I each took a couple of versaces. The night before, we had also taken a couple, and gone our separate ways. I had gone out dancing with my now-girlfriend (at the time she was torn between myself and her old boyfriend at home) and had one of the best nights in recent memory. I used sips of her beer to control the speediness (my friend usually used small tokes.. if uncontrolled, both of us have found that the extra speediness can induce minor panic-attack type reactions and general feelings of negativity) and we both had a great time.

The next day, my friend and I started out together, but he soon had to leave to visit his girlfriend. The one thing that was different about that night also was that I had smoked up while waiting for the E to come on, something I had stopped doing a month before. I found that when I didn't, the effect of the E (or MDA, depending on which we were using) was cleaner and more unpolluted.

This night went bad from the beginning. I couldn't think straight. I had the desire to talk that I was familiar with, but I couldn't follow the thread of a conversation. I would head off on random tangents and then become obsessed about returning to the original topic. I could feel, at the edge of the high, this shadow hanging over me, and I was fighting it all night. Once my friend left, I went to see the girl from the night before, hoping she could cheer me up.

It didn't work. She wass nearly ready for bed, and while I laid with her for a while to try to calm myself down, I eventually made myself leave so as not to irritate or frighten her. I walked over to visit another friend, and repeated the same process. Tried to sit and talk with her, couldn't hold a conversation, irritated her and myself. All the while the depression was building. I felt out of place. I felt useless.

I started to question why I was putting so much work into this relationship with the first girl, why I thought there was even the slightest chance of ending up with her. I walked around the city alone for three hours trying to pull myself out of this spiral. I tried music, I tried happy thoughts, happy memories. Nothing worked. All the while, as I sank deeper, I was driven on by this terrible mental and physical energy. I knew if I went home I'd just lay awake tossing and turning for hours.

Finally it burned itself out and I went home. I woke up the next day feeling alright, not too much of a hangover, but with absolutely no desire to ever roll again.

As far as long term effects go, I'll address the positive first and then the negative.

I feel I've taken a lot from my experiences. I wpould probably, were I to do it again, stick to MDA. That, for me, was an incredible experience in self-discovery. I changed as a person as a result of the drug and the long walks and conversations my friend and I had. Additionally, my friend and I really bonded over the drug. We shared some of our deepest personal fears and insecurities, and worked together to overcome them. I feel, and I know he feels the same, that we have developed the kind of friendship that could last over many years and many miles. MDA certainly played a part in this.

Also, I feel MDA was instrumental in bringing me together with my girlfriend. It changed me in fundamental ways, made me more receptive to her feelings, and allowed me to see what she needed me to do, what she actually wanted. There have been times in our relationship, before we were actually dating, that I should, by rights, have had no idea what to do, yet I did exactly the right thing. I am left with a choice between God, Fate, and MDA, and I choose the drug. Thanks in no small part to MDA, I am completely in love with a girl who is completely in love with me. We are unbelievably happy together, and I am becoming increasingly convinced that I have been lucky enough to meet the one girl out there who is perfect for me.

On the other hand, there have been negative effects too. Both my friend and I recently developed health problems. While I have not exhibited (THANKFULLY) any of the mental problems I have seen associated with frequent Ecstacy use, I have developed recently a mysterious glandular swelling under my jaw and a sore throat, coupled with exhaustion, chills, and a fever. I am currently taking Penicillin and praying it responds. It baffled the doctor I went to see about it, and if the antibiotic doesn't fix it, I'll end up in the hospital.

My friend also developed, after having been off of E for a week or so, a massive throat infection, which spread to the nearby lymph nodes. His has responded well to antibiotics, but was nightmarish to see when at its worst. I cannot help but wonder if our period of frequent use of MDMA and MDA (His was much longer than mine, it is worth noting... perhaps as long as six months of weekly or twice weekly use, at times VERY heavy) has in some way permanently affected our immune systems. It's a frightening thought.

I continue to believe that MDA in particular, but also MDMA, is a worthwhile drug. The best piece of advice I think I could give is one I read in another report on this site: 'When you get the message, hang up'. I feel that I've taken what I can from the drug, and so I see no need to do it again. Unless you're taking it to get fucked up, my recommendation would be to be aware of the same thing. When you lose the feeling that you're taking something new away from each new experience, stop taking it.