Sharing some of what I talk about, and learn, in my private therapy sessions. I am blessed with a wonderfully supportive psychiatrist who provides me with both medication advice and therapy. I am hoping my experiences in my sessions can help someone else.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Getting Back on Track

The post I wrote yesterday turned into a completely different post than I originally set out to write. That happens to me sometimes. I start writing and find I have 2 or three themes going on in one post. Often I split them into separate posts.

What I set out to write about was about my life's new "Constitution" as laid out in my post last week: "Today is My New Birthday". I woke that morning and it became so clear my dream "The Wolf Returns" was passing me important, life enhancing and life changing messages.

It has happened before: my dreams sending me messages. In 2003 I had a dream: "Transformational Dreams" that compelled me to finally leave work after trying to allow myself to take that step for more than a year. Three weeks after my "Transformational Dream" I left work. Most of my leaving was because Dr. X and I had worked hard on my believing I needed to leave to help myself, but the dream passed a message to me that felt urgent, life changing and intensely important.

The dream, "The Wolf Returns" felt full of that same intensity. I feel compelled to heed its messages. So a couple days later it became clear to me the dream was exhorting me to reset my values, my life's "Constitution" and to take care of myself in a way I have never been able to.

So I boldly laid out my plans for the new me in my blog.

The next day I crashed. I felt intensely embarrassed that I had been so brazen as to commit, not only to myself, but to anyone reading my blog, that I was a suddenly changed human being. So the next day, and the day after that I pretended I still felt as brave. Inside I was so depressed and had slipped right back into the old me.

I spoke with Dr. X about this. He told me if a country has no written Constitution, no written values and goals, it is easy for the people to slip outside the informal values of the country. A written constitution sets out formal goals, a formal structure for the way the country wants to be, the goals towards which the country and its citizens want to work towards.

A written constitution does not mean the country will immediately achieve the desired way of being, or that it will always stick within it's written goals. It takes time, mistakes and practice to follow a formal constitution.

My set out goals and values are like that. Change takes time and practice. Moving in the direction you want is not always simple, and you will slip and fall back into old ways of being. Things will happen that get in your way, that cause you to return to old way. It is important to have your goals clearly set out in front of you, so you can get back on track.

I felt so much better after he said that. I left my appointment feeling like, "okay I slipped, but I can work to get back to where I was when I wrote my values statement". I feel really blessed I have the pdoc I do. Every week I feel I can get to my appointment. If I can get to my appointment I have someone to help me get back on track. That is a great feeling.

Hi Kara,It is easy to be misunderstood no matter what you write. I try hard in my blog to write how I feel regardless of what others will think of me...as you can see from this post and a few others it is not always easy, and sometimes I wait a week or longer before I "confess", but everytime I right from my experiences it opens up my world. I would love to hear some of your dreams, or your experiences in your dreams when it seems God is talking to you. I bet they are fascinating.

About Me

I am currently a lost soul on its quest for freedom. I have a mental illness; Chronic Major Depressive Disorder. My version of MDD sits somewhere in the Bipolar Spectrum, meaning my mood cycles between severe depression and then up high, very high, but not high enough to be considered hypomania. I am hoping to help myself and others who read this blog both understand this illness better and to learn something about ourselves in the process.