The Light that Shines Within

A friend of mine was recently moved by this, and I was moved in turn by it. Despite its November 2015 release (on Alessia Cara’s album Know-It-All), I think this has a message that it’s empowering to choose not to join program to get thin to please the world but to be mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy for ourselves:

It’s been a time since I wrote anything here–18 months or so. I weighed myself earlier, and I found myself at 236 lbs. today. That weight is a reflection of uncontrolled, uncaring, unrelenting relapse eating.

It seems shallow to say that nothing tastes as good as thin feels, but I am straining my pants over food that makes me feel physically ill and sluggish. I don’t want to eat it. Currently, I feel queasy because of what I ate today. I didn’t really eat that much, but what I put into my body was a mix of moderately nutritious and absolutely insane. I feel slow and tired and bloated. And (loath as I am to admit it) bubbly in a bad way.

For what reason would I do this to myself, knowing that reasonable eating made me feel so freaking amazing? I’m not even numbed out by the food. I actually feel in a permanent hover around the first day after a horrible bout with the stomach flu. Headachy. Queasy. A misfit in my body. I feel sick and tired, that same kind of sick and tired that sends people to program because they are sick and tired of being so ill. If I have “sexy” high-fat-and-sugar foods all around yet have a fantasy of a chilled clementine? I think there’s a message that I miss feeling healthy . . .

. . . which is what I admitted to myself and a room full of OA members over 7 years ago was what I wanted: to be healthy.

So, I am setting down my damned “My meetings must be in a room!” pride, and I am going to look for online groups. I write better than I speak, anyway. I just want to be part of it again. I want to take the time to think and read and really digest the inspiration which can come from 24 hours or 24 years of program (not even abstinence).

I’m starting my food plan tomorrow. It’s based on the second one, when I adjusted it to gain weight after I found myself severely underweight yet wanted to keep going, thinking I could become willowy and elfin despite my natural, sturdy bone structure. I have lived in fantasies for too long, and I miss reality. I’m not looking for a model body. I want to work in a vegetable garden and manage bags of feed for poultry and carry an overnight pack into the wilderness just to get one of those divine and peaceful moments which would go unobserved were I not there. Too many days are passing, and the inside of an apartment is not living to me–even if it’s all lost the moment my brain shuts off. That I existed then and there is part of eternity, part of the imminence and the immense that is the cosmic journey of a being in the Universe which is as a quark is to the solar system. That I exist means I have changed and am changing the cosmos–just as everyone else who has existed, does exist, or will exist.

I’ll be journaling here, and I will be picking up my crochet needles again. I’ll be committing to getting into the world every day and moving my body.

I’m vulnerable today. I was so damned cocky that I would never see this side of 200 lbs. again in my lifetime, but relapse is an ugly thing. I lost faith in program, in me, in all of it–especially since OA was where I lost the belief in a Higher Power which has a special will just for me.

Then again, I keep reading the comments, and I am deeply moved by the depth of humane concern for my well-being, bordering on fraternal/sororital love. People who say that program works as an excellent Higher Power are right. Hands are out for me to grab and hold, and I am ready to put my hand in yours.

Keep It Simple JN
Jeannine is a diabetic, a grandmother, a wife of nearly 40 years, and a woman of faith. In program since 2007, she is reaching out and doing service by sharing her experience, strength and hope–Good with God.

Living Too Large
Amy, author of survivingmiddleage, also writes this blog. Great flavorful, low-calorie recipes, personal observations about the journey through food addiction. A must-read for newcomers looking for empathy and guidance.

Philosophy of Weight Management
fredt uses a comprehensive approach to exposing the many facets of food addiction. An excellent resource for expanding one’s knowledge base regarding food and addiction.

Promise Of Recovery
Lauren shares experience, strength, and hope through OA, keeping in mind the promises of recovery and why working it is worth it.

Realistic Recovery
Mike H. is a 12-Stepper who has a rationalist secular approach to program and has done the footwork to make secular recovery easier.

recoverydiscovery
Rock bottom is different for everyone, and L.’s passion to recover from compulsive overeating is as strong as an AA or NA 12-Stepper. L.’s astute observations offer great insight into OA as a spiritual journey more than a physical one.

S U S T A I N A B L Y
Food addict and food activist Michael Prager journeyed from a morbidly obese existence to a purpose-filled life. His weblog exposes the victories of the human spirit over food addiction and the dangers of organizations seeking profit over sustainability.

survivingmiddleage
Artist Amy is at that metaphoric crossroads in her life–middle age. Her approach to life is like a multimedia collage: bright, beautiful, inspired–even in the chaotic spaces. A real life as presented by a real woman artist.

Thank God It's Lunch Time
Overeaters Anonymous member and several-year abstinent Steve discusses the 12 Steps and his experiences as a compulsive overeater in recovery.

Thursday Night Group
FredT, author of Philosophy of Weight Management, discusses a little bit of everything–food, philosophy, program–in this mini-meeting of a weblog.

Yesterday's Excess
Wishful Shrinking offers thoughtful insights into OA recovery, gently challenges us to ask tough questions, and publishes her food plan. An excellent blog to see what an honest, open-minded, and willing OA recovery and abstinence looks like.

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