American Customs Officer Puts the Squeeze on Vegemite

VANCOUVER – Jack Beardmore found himself in a strangely Australian situation last month. The 28 year-old Aussie had picked up three tubes of Vegemite for friends at the duty free in Sydney before boarding his 15-hour flight.

“When I got off the flight in Vancouver and went to board my connecting flight to Palm Springs I had to go through American customs. The officer had a squiz in my bag and noticed that I had three tubes of Vegemite. He told me the max amount of liquid per container aloud was 100ml and each bloody tube was 140ml.”

Beardmore was told to open and squeeze out roughly 40ml from each container before he could board his flight.

“By the time I’d finished squeezing out the second tube we’d stunk out the whole security area. The customs officer’s mug was green, like he was going to chunder and told me that was enough and let me go through, it was an abso nightmare. Those were gifts for my mates, Vegemite’s exy in California. The guy was as useless as an ashtray on a motorbike.”

A fellow customs officer who chose to remain anonymous saw the situation unfold. “It was like watching a train wreck. The customs officer in question has only been working for two months and that was a classic rookie move. It’s customary to squeeze out toothpaste and shampoo to give the appearance of security but with something like Vegemite its best to use ‘discretion’ and let them through with a stern warning. I don’t know how Aussies eat that stuff. It smells awful.”