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I’m not a quitter says May, thus making Brexit a bit confusing

Theresa May has provoked further confusion with her latest attempt to be totally clear about something, having just told the press that she is ‘not a quitter’. Now, despite civil servants trying to explain Brexit to the Prime Minister with the aid of flow charts and glove puppets, there still exists a nagging doubt that she does not understand the word ‘exit’.

One diplomat confided: ‘She gets the ‘Brrr’ bit, as we usually mime something chilly. But the ‘exit’ part leaves her entirely flummoxed. It’s the same blank expression as when we tried to explain to her what poor people are. It was even worse when we tried to explain it all to Boris Johnson, who thought we said ‘sex pit’ but let’s not go there just now.’

Responding to questions on her leadership, Mrs May insisted that she was not a ‘quitter’ and that any reference to the EU were purely coincidental. A spokeswoman explained: ‘The PM is not the sort to walk away from anything. Yes, she’ll be relinquishing EU membership but that’s not quitting – it’s renouncing, evacuating or bowing out, while covered in shit. Regardless of what your fancy dictionaries say, that’s not the same as quitting. It’s simply a strategic withdrawal. The UK will be advancing, just in the opposite direction. And Mrs May won’t be quitting on that effort until we’ve finished quitting. No, hang on a minute…’

Much to the dismay of voters and Mr May, the Prime Minister reaffirmed that said she had no intention of quitting. She vowed to stay resolutely committed to everything – unless you happen to be talking about human rights, fire-cladding or an economy that works. Speaking on a trade mission to China, the Prime Minister firmly dismissed allegations that there was evidence of her plans for quitting, such as a passport under the name Yu Yan Mei, £5 million in bitcoins and a copy of ‘How to speak Mandarin – Civil Service speak in five easy minutes’.

Her spokeswoman added: ‘And you should definitely not read anything into the fact that we’ll be replacing the EU flag on UK buildings, with a white one. Oh, quit laughing will you?’