‘Hawaii Five-0′: Whatever happened, happened

A young couple is murdered in their home, but that’s not important right now. Let’s just jump right to the soft rays of morning as they break gently over gratuitously shirtless McG. He’s surprised to find himself in bed alone. Carmen is already awake and having ALL OF THE FEELINGS about leaving the service. Moonlight tries to reassure her. The transition will be difficult, but it’s also an exciting time. It’s the beginning of an adventure. Wait, wasn’t that what her career in the Navy was supposed to be? Anyhoo, Moonlight is called away to the murder scene of the late Mr. and Mrs. Van Horn of the old Hawaiian money Van Horns. The house has been tossed, but wallets, watches, and other valuables haven’t been touched. The couple’s infant was also left behind. Caano hears the baby fussing on the monitor and barges past the uniform stationed at the bedroom door. NO! THEY’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TOUCH IT! Caano immediately scoops her up and comforts her.

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Moonlight and Caano check in with Max for the autopsy reports, but that’s not really important either. Instead, Caano gets his pompadour in a twist when he learns Max has been acting as McG’s personal shopper for a gift for Carmen. “The request is more akin to a favor solicited by one BFF to another.” Max and Moonlight anoint their status with a fist bump. Boom. Data from the home’s security system points them to the ne’er-do-well brother. Some guy at a club offered him $15,000 for his gate code. Which ne’er-do-well gave him, because it’s a guy in a club. What can go wrong? The killers seem to be after a piece of scrimshaw of middling value, but that has an association to a defunct Hawaiian secret society, the Royal League. Jin-Ho has a contact – Jerry – who could tell them more, but working with him could be … problematic. They shouldn’t mention that they’re law enforcement. Badges are bad, but guns should be okay as long as they remain holstered. Hand shakes too are fine, but they should let Jerry initiate contact. Finally, “do not mention JFK, Area 51, and definitely – no matter what – do not mention the mandroids with the laser eyes Apollo Moon landing.” Caano has one question: “Can we feed him after midnight?” Fantastic. Jerry’s mom answers the door and greets Jin with a big hug. Yay! Hugging! She leads them down to the basement, and

drum drum drum DUDE!

Hurley! It’s Hurley! HURRRRRLEEEEEEEEEY!MOAR HUGGING! Moonlight wonders how they know each other. They were both aboard a plane that crashed on a mysterious island where they were stranded for several months until Hurley was able to escape with a small group of survivors while Jin didn’t die in the freighter explosion but traveled back in time to 1974 where he began his law enforcement career High school band camp. Remember how tiny those tents were? “It was like we were stuck on a deserted island all summer.”

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Jin cuts short the reminiscing before Hurley can pull out the box set yearbooks. Moonlight shows him a picture of the scrimshaw. Hurley soon links it to the 19th century theft of a priceless set of interlocking rings owned by the De Medicis. The Van Horn family patriarch was rumored to have been involved. Hurley believes the rings were smuggled out of Italy and brought to Oahu. The scrimshaw is the literal key to finding them. The answer to what the key opens will solve one of the world’s greatest mysteries. Moonlight will settle for solving their murder case.

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After some tinfoil hat-fu, Hurley floats the theory that the iconic King Kamehameha statue in front of the Iolani PalaceAliiolani Hale old Kapa’au courthouse on the Big Island was used to smuggle the De Medici Rings out of Italy. That’s what the scrimshaw key opens. BOO-YAH! Moonlight likes it. It fits with the plaster, paint, and other rainy day craft supplies they found at another crime scene. Swapping the actual statue for a fake would be the only way to access the treasure. TO DA CHOPPAH! When they arrive at the courthouse, Moonlight is able to smash out the great king’s guts with a crowbar and he wasn’t even using his super special vampire strength. It’s a fake.

The final piece of the puzzle comes courtesy of Carmen’s last act of military tech misappropriation. Hurley reluctantly joins Five-0 on a field trip to the cryptology offices at Naval Intelligence HQ. He feels his way along the hall with his eyes squeezed shut. If he sees something he shouldn’t, they won’t ever let him leave. Caano snarks that Hurley should get a girlfriend. HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND CAANO, BUT IT’S GOING TO BE A WHILE BEFORE HE SEES HER AGAIN IN THE CHAPEL. WAY TO BRING IT UP. Moving on. A series of computer cyphers reveals a message between the original conspirators: What lies in the shadow of the statue? “Beneath the king’s heavy right foot, a leaf reveals – with a turn – the truth within.”

Now they just have to find the key. One of the killers reveals its location after Caano threatens to shoot him in the face. Hey, there’s a child involved. Caano can’t be expected to maintain a professional distance from the case. The scrimshaw is where it’s always been – on display at the Honolulu Museum of Art. Shooting shooting endangering civilians shooting. The bad guys are arrested and the key recovered. Moonlight gives Hurley the honor of unlocking the statue. “Now I know how Geraldo felt.” He slots in the key to reveal a cylinder hidden within the foot of the statue. Tucked inside are the three rings of the De Medici. Huzzah! Warm, stale Dharma beer for all!

But the case isn’t quite resolved for Caano. He stops by to see Mrs. Van Horn’s sister AND THEN HE GIVES THE BABY A STUFFED MONKEY AND I DIE!

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Moonlight arrives on base just in time for Carmen’s award ceremony. One that mentions her professionalism, leadership, and devotion to duty and glosses over all those times she did personal favors for a civilian authority because her boyfriend asked her to. I wonder if ‘He glahmuhed me’ could be used as a defense in a court martial. Anyhoo, Moonlight presents Carmen with the fruits of Max’s Ebay labors – a mint vinyl copy of Chicago’s “Chicago V”. “I remember you told me a story about when you were a little girl and your mom would play this for you when you were scared. You got nothing to be scared of, okay? I’m right here. You’re not going to do this alone.” Aww, Moonlight loves her for more than just her security clearance. *tear*

This is Whitney, inviting you to be with us next week. Be here, Friday at 8:00 p.m. on CBS. Aloha.