A Blog About Solving Common Relationship Dilemmas

As the new year unfolds, consider these habits to use to revive and/or solidify your connection. It is so easy to take each other and your lives for granted, sometimes just holding down your head to get through it. That is never good for a relationship. While you don’t need to spend enormous amounts of energy on the relationship, here are some ideas to make the time that you are together count.

1. Develop rituals to use to come together at the end of the day.
Rituals used regularly connect people with each other. Finding ways to de-stress and de-brief helps fill in love map’s and supports the friendship and can aid in romance.

2. Focus on and acknowledge the positives.
The more that you talk about what you like, the more likely it is that your partner will repeat what is liked. The more you notice and acknowledge what is good about your partner, the more likely it is that you will even …maybe … come to like them even a little better.

3. Have weekly conversations about the state of the relationship.
No relationship is perfect. There are times that you need to talk about problems or complain. Choosing a time to have a “state of the marriage” conversation can be beneficial. A good way to set it up is to first talk about what you like and want more of and then to talk about what complaints or changes you need.

4. Plan weekly dates.
Get away from the every day, mundane activities, children and chores. Be sure to go somewhere different whenever you can. New experiences are good for bonding.

5. Know what is going on in your partner’s life.
Be curious and interested. Ask about their day. Listen to their stories and stresses.

What do you have to lose? Facing up to the situation and owning your part in it can be a step in the right direction.

Most couples wait a long time after a problem develops before they ever ask for help. Research shows that problems may go on for 6 years before a couple either asks for help or ends the marriage.

The longer that a problem goes on, the more likely it is that positive feelings and behaviors will erode and disappear. Couples therapy may be able to help you resolve the problems that you are experiencing.

A skilled and knowledgeable couples therapist can provide a safe haven to talk about the hardest of issues and can teach you the skills to be able to carry on those conversations at home.

Good marriage counselors do not want their couples to hang around forever. They want them to be able to be successful on their own.

During the early years of marriage, couples focus on building a nest, settling into careers and having children.

It is too easy, after the knot is tied, to focus less on the relationship and more on the job or the children which is why the divorce rate is so high for this time in a couple‘s life. It is not that spouses love each other less, it is more because they find themselves drawn in other directions and away from each other.

Things can erode before anyone recognizes what happens. Neither spouse is usually the “bad one”. The distancing usually just happens as life evolves.

As couples grow apart by failing to nurture the marriage, they open themselves up for one or both to become unhappy and lonely. Problems don’t get resolved, fun dissipates and opportunities for affairs or enjoying the single life with friends and colleagues can become more interesting than what is happening at home.

We have 10 ways to keep the love alive and make your marriage a priority.

1. Have a technology free-zone.
Cell phones, face book, video games … all are distractions for intimacy and have their own inherent problems. Designate a period of time each day to put the technology away and enjoy each other and the relationship.

I often meet with couples who complain about growing apart as the challenges of daily living lure them into routines that leave little time for focusing on the relationship. This, coupled with the new and added stress of technology, invites people to be more involved with things other than their marriage.

Connecting with your partner is crucial to the stability of any marriage. It doesn’t take a lot of time to fan the flames of the relationship. In fact, research studies by John Gottman, PhD found that a simple 5 hours a week can make a difference in the quality of a couple’s relationship.

Here are 7 suggestions for ways to reconnect with your partner.

1. Find some way to connect with each other, even if it is only briefly, before you begin your day. Share a kiss and a bit about the plan for your day. If possible, have breakfast together, even if the children are rushing around with you. Spoon a few minutes before getting out of bed in the morning and make sure that you are not always the small spoon.

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1. Respect your partner. Treat him or her with respect at all times, even if you disagree or are bothered by a behavior. Do your best to put it all in perspective.

2. Maintain the friendship. Talk and act in the same ways that you do with your best friend.

3. Be open and honest. Do not keep secrets. This does not mean that you share all of your complaints or negative thoughts with your partner. You want to learn how to let go of the smaller things. When you complain, do it softly!

4. Be positive, be positive, be positive. Research shows that when couples have 20 positives for every one negative during good times and 5:1 during conflict, they sail through the tough times.

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3. Take good care of yourself … your health and your appearance. Showers, clean clothes, attention paid to your grooming and maintaining a healthy diet show respect for yourself and are also a way to say to your spouse “it is important for me to look good for you.”

Decide one simple thing that you can do for yourself today that will say “my health and my appearance are important to me. Being healthy and showing that I care about my appearance is one way to say ‘I love you‘.” Counseling Relationships Online

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We want to offer you eight suggestions to be a better spouse. Marriages improve and stay healthier when even one person makes efforts. You can try all of these ideas at once or just one at a time. (It does take 6 weeks for something to become a habit, you know.)

We will share a different idea every day, along with a suggestion or two for how you might use them in your relationship.

Here is the tip for today.
1. Appreciate the good things about your spouse and let him or her know about it frequently.

The more that you talk about what you like, the more you get what you like. People are more likely to do more of what they are told is good than to change what they are told is wrong.

Besides, when you focus on what you like in your spouse, you are more likely to have positive feelings about them.

Try today to find 3 things to tell your partner, either with words or with your actions, that you like.

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Remember when … Look at a picture, watch a video, remember a happier time together. Revisit all of the good memories and talk about what happened then … what each of you did to help make that a special time. Dissect what you did and what you most appreciated about your partner and what he or she did that made that a special time. As you notice softer, kinder and better feelings slowly come. Talk about how to keep them alive in the present.

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About Us

We are two marriage and family therapists, married to each other and living in Louisville, Kentucky. We provide online as well as in person counseling for personal and relationship problems. Contact us and let us help you with your situation at CouplesCounselingofLouisville.com and Counseling Relationships Online.com.