Monday, June 21, 2010

And then there's that moment when your blindly reaching hand makes contact...

The past couple weeks have been emotionally rough for me. I won't go into any more details than in the post below...though that doesn't even begin to cover it. Suffice to say, I have been slowly coming to the resolve that I need to move on. To let the chips fall where they are and allow my energy to gather and focus on "the next thing"...new people, new experiences, new acceptance that what is isn't necessarily good or bad, it simply is. It is my own mind that attaches meaning to it. And, here's the kicker, I can choose that meaning. Huh. There's something on which to meditate.

...but anyway, back to that blindly reaching hand...

I received an email this morning from a friend, Dear Gentle One, that I had almost put into that I-love-her-and-really-miss-her-but-think-we've-moved-in-different-directions part of my heart. There are so many people in that part of my heart that adding Dear Gentle One hurt a bit. But then I opened my email and found her words. And the comfort and relief of re-realizing the sameness in us...of finding like in another human being...brought me to tears. And I was so grateful for her words. She reminded me that some people will always be there, even unexpectedly, and that helped heal part of my heart. She also reminded me of my worth, and at a time when it's hard for me to find it on my own, that reminder could be life-saving. So thank you, Dear Gentle One. Though far apart, you are always in my heart.

**I'd also like to thank an old friend that sent unexpected support as well. Thank you, Valley Girl.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

You keep putting yourself out there. You keep trying. You get up in the morning. Again. You reach. You extend a hand. Sometimes in hope. Sometimes in desperation.

Only to have it chopped off.

Sometimes you feel that you are just not of this world. That you just don't belong. "When do I get to go home?" you ask.

That's often how I feel. And so I just keep breathing.

Maybe I'm being melodramatic with the hand-chopping bit but there has been some disappointment lately. Losing friends to relocation...whether they relocated emotionally or physically, doesn't really matter. Health problems with the kids. My continued struggle with depression. A poorly-planned trip that will, in all probability, not happen (further alienating one relocating friend).

Keep breathing.

I'm one of those people who puts a lot of pressure on herself. To do everything; to fix the world; to be pleasing. When, in actuality, I suck. I do next to nothing. I break more than I fix. I am as flawed as they come. Depression blankets life and muffles any extra energy or conviction to accomplish. And still, I expect pleasing perfection.

There was a time several years ago that survival depended upon the "keep breathing" mantra...one minute at a time, one hour, one day...until finally it, once again, became rote and I could automatically breathe my way through an entire week. Back then, I could either be pleasing or I could grasp with both hands my final thread of sanity. I chose the latter. And, somehow, I kept breathing.

So maybe that's the trick. "Fake it till you make it, " was a favorite saying of an old friend. I detested hearing that then...and still do. But maybe that's what you need to do when you have no other option. You keep putting yourself out there. You keep trying. You get up in the morning. Again. You reach. You extend a hand. Sometimes in hope. Sometimes in desperation. And, because the alternative is not an option, you keep breathing.

Keep Breathing

The storm is coming but i don't mind.People are dying, i close my blinds.

All that i know is i'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead i sleep.I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that i know is i'm breathing.All i can do is keep breathing.All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that i know is i'm breathing.All i can do is keep breathing.All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathingAll we can do is keep breathingAll we can do is keep breathingAll we can do is keep breathing.All we can do is keep breathing now.