Plain frustrating work environment

Maybe this has been discussed before, maybe not, maybe it sounds trivial and naive, I just don't know. I prefer a honest opinion, if you please.

*rant on*Anyway, in the last year or so, I've noticed my coworkers are engaging in more and more social activities after work, where I am not invited. Or we have some formal activity arranged by the company, and people continue to do something else, where they for example pretend they are going home, but they are not, instead dispersing and then meeting at some other place. While I didn't care much at first, it's starting to get really annoying and frankly a bit provocative, this is not something I have experienced at previous workplaces. While I'm not too keen about hanging out with most of my coworkers, this is more about the principle, I would prefer being invited and decline than this.

The thing is a new coworker started about two years ago, who I found attractive, but the feeling isn't mutual. I mean I kept it professional from my end as best I could, but she apparently finds me quite unpleasant I've heard from a couple others, and as far as I know is the only person who feels this way. I don't have this problem in other contexts off work which is why I find it a bit unpleasant and can't fully relate.

This person is also friends with a few of my coworkers who have been asking some indiscrete questions about my love life, relationships and insinuating sh** about attitude towards women in the region I come from, since I am technically an immigrant. Not much has been going on the last 5-6 years, so aside from a couple adventures and a six month relationship there is not much to tell, and I am rarely inclined to talk about relationships except with close friends and family, certainly not coworkers.

What makes is extra nasty is that my former boss (who was removed from my department on my and a couple of my colleagues request), has had talks with this woman where she recommends, in essence, that she should try out different manipulation methods on the older staff at work. I overheard a couple conversations without them knowing, since I work late a couple times a month and my new office is kinda around a bend in the hall, out of sight, but not out of hearing range. After these talks she tried sending me messages a couple times where she tests if I will do different menial tasks for her, which I declined because. A) I already left the office. B) I am not an "errand boy".

I just don't work that way, if we are on the same team and working on a common project, then certainly we can discuss who does what and she can delegate tasks after we are agreed, but not like this. I mean I don't want to hang out with her more than necessary in social events, but that she dictates some kind of policy where others also actively avoid me, is just going too far.

Tonight is one more occasion where the majority of people have gathered up and are playing some volleyball, downing a couple beers and talking some crap, where pretty much everyone is there, except your's truly. I'm trying to pretend I don't care, but I do a little bit, this is far from the first occasion.*rant off*

olsoncetack wrote: I would prefer being invited and decline than this.

Of course you would -- but you seem to have some contempt for your co-workers and the things they choose to do out of work hours. Is that the case? And if so, did it start before or after this mass shunning?

It sounds like what you want to believe is that "but for" this one woman that you don't find attractive and consider manipulative, that you would be invited to go play volleyball and drink a few beers.

This belief you hold is most likely not accurate. Instead, even if this one woman had never joined the company it is very likely that you still would not be invited.

Your coworkers, for only reasons you might know, don't like you. They don't dislike you only because of this woman. That is my honest opinion.

olsoncetack wrote: I would prefer being invited and decline than this.

Of course you would -- but you seem to have some contempt for your co-workers and the things they choose to do out of work hours. Is that the case? And if so, did it start before or after this mass shunning?

It sounds horrible. I really sympathise.

Yes, I can agree that I show some contempt sometimes, though rarely at the individuals but more the organization as a whole, though that may not be obvious to some. And that definitely started at least a couple years ago, probably more.

But it's been more a gradual process, though for a while it was quite common that I agreed to go out for lunch with people and as soon as she showed interest in joining they just got into the cars and sped off, really weird. I just dunno, I've never been working with a group of people were a new individual decides who gets to eat lunch with who.

As I said I quite disliked it, but even more so I found it just so very strange.

It sounds like what you want to believe is that "but for" this one woman that you don't find attractive and consider manipulative, that you would be invited to go play volleyball and drink a few beers.

This belief you hold is most likely not accurate. Instead, even if this one woman had never joined the company it is very likely that you still would not be invited.

Your coworkers, for only reasons you might know, don't like you. They don't dislike you only because of this woman. That is my honest opinion.

Oh it's certainly possible, even likely in several cases, though the pattern is generally; this individual present - not "allowed" to join. This individual not present - "allowed" to join. I just find the thing awkward, but not so much for me, and just plain stupid in general. There is certainly something going on behind the scenes, that much I can deduct from questions I get, occasionally from coworkers, occasionally from management, this being a very hierarchical place the "regular workers" rarely take the direct approach though.

I've made clear in no uncertain terms to the bosses at least that any further questions about my country of origins, customs and behaviours of people there, my religious beliefs, the food I prefer, the clothes I like to wear, what kind of suburbs I grew up in (actually none) will be met with a less than pleasant response, and possibly not only verbal.

Never worked at a place where they crack jokes about blacks, jews and gypsies openly at the lunch table, while pretending to be some kind of white collar, for lack of better words, "elite". I mean I worked as a painter, restaurants, shipping companies years and years ago and it was certainly not fancy but people could behave perfectly normal, god damn it.