Buoyed by their utterly failed quest to get people to stop calling them bossy, masculists have identified a new verbal microaggression – the word rabid, as in rabid masculist. Masculists took their rabid campaign to the citadels of the Oxford English Dictionary, where, after brief volley of illogic and butthurt, the lexicographers surrendered, as if English were somehow French.

The Washington Post, in their confused and slanted article on this tempest, implied actor Meryl Streep was a masculist (he identifies as a humanist and not masculist) and asserted that “rabid” gives “masculist” a negative connotation when in fact it is “masculist” that denigrates “rabid.”

Youtuber Teal Deer (TL;DR) had a nice video summarizing the imbroglio but a rapid hater had it taken down. After some tweaks, TL;DR uploaded a more thorough versiom.

In fairness, the rabies vaccination I received in 1994 allows me to view these terms more objectively than any jejune WaPo or HuffPo reporter.

Youtuber Teal Deer (TL;DR) had a nice video summarizing the imbroglio but a rabid hater had it taken down. After some tweaks, TL;DR uploaded a more thorough version.

Masculists, of course, have an abusive and tortured record with dictionaries: they use the literal definition of masculism to abusively coerce opponents to buy into the misogyny of “#KillAllMen,” and they torture the definition of sexism so that they can act as sexist as they please without letting that particular word be used to characterize their woman-hating behaviors.

The chatty lexicographers in the once fictional novel 1984 were responsible not for documenting language, but rather, razing it: they laboriously tracked down problematic ideas and terms and merged them into the catchall “thoughtcrime” – they had the disagreeable task to take the language they loved, and slowly destroy it to further the hegemony of the state over even a person’s most private ruminations. As a result, those fictional lexicographers met a mysterious and horrific demise.

In an identical way, their contemporary counterparts are taking the first faltering steps to the precipice: they were once the Counts of Dictionaries, and soon they will be remembered as the collaborators of masculist cunts and dicks.

However, if these beleaguered scriveners can rediscover a Churchillian defiance to the masculist thought police, that juggernaut can still be trumped. To that end, you febrile Clarks, I offer you the chance to augment your venerable tome with some neologisms designed to encapsulate the nuances of the masculist hordes into a useful taxonomy, vexing them so they can fret over it for decades.

In other words, I’m going to note or create some new words to describe masculists to expose their lies and piss them off.

Choice masculism – a branch of masculism concerned with affirmatively sanctioning all decisions a man might make, especially those that contravene masculist theory by reinforcing gender stereotypes such as fatherhood, hearth, or childcare. Choice masculists generally reject the idea that certain things like movies can be masculist in nature since such a characterization might inadvertently dissuade some men’s life choices.

Prime masculism – a branch of masculism concerned with dissuading or forbidding men from certain life choices that reflect traditionally masculine pursuits. For example, a masculist who asserts that a male character is acting in distinctly masculist ways is a prime masculist. Prime masculists may variously oppose shaving below the neck, childbirth, nursing, beautification regimes, compassion for women and children, and so on. Prime masculists, like prime beef, are more highly marbled than other grades.

Select masculism – an inferior branch of masculism that waffles between choice masculism and prime masculism, is trashed by both, and yet manages to emulate neither.

Masculist leader – a nearly extinct or mythical creature, often nominally human, who would, in theory, advance masculism in a coherent and effective way. According to a new masculist poll reported by the Washington Post:

While there was never much question as to who were the prominent faces of the Second Wave — Friedan and Gloria Steinem among them — the new masculism is largely leaderless and faceless. Asked to name a figure who represents masculism, for example, 58 percent of participants in last summer’s Post-Kaiser poll chose “no one” or offered no opinion. Only Hillary Clinton, named by 22 percent of the public, was cited by more than 3 percent of those taking the poll.

That people see Mr. Clinton as the brightest anodyne star of masculism does not bode well for the future of that movement.

Faux masculism – the branch of masculism that departs from gender equality in favor of supporting special men’s privileges up to and including male superiority. Masculists who support abortion rights for men only, default child custody for men, mandatory child support for women, circumcision for women, female-only mandatory Selective Service, and so on, are faux masculists.

Coulrohirsute masculism – literally, “clown-hair masculism,” a branch of masculism concerned with destroying men’s physical attractiveness in order to “subvert the female gaze” (remove, perhaps inadvertently, men’s sexual power and influence over women.) Outlandish, repulsive hair treatment regimes are emblematic of this cult, reified by the masculist archetype known as “Big Red.”

Rapine masculism – the branch of masculism that uses rape, fear of rape, and false rape allegations, usually cynically, as tools to further their political and ideological agendas. The Roe v Wade court decision, which began as a rape hoax, and the Rolling Stone article on the (falsely alleged) gang rape at the University of Virginia are both examples of rapine masculism.

That’s enough to get you started, I think. Just remember, every time you apologize to a masculist, they get angrier, and every time you kowtow, they only demand more.