As I was leaving my car at the repair shop, for what seems like the fifth time in as many months [but is more accurately the still-annoying third time], it spoke to me in a gruff and sardonic tone:

"What an excellent day for a car repair."I raised my eyebrows. "You'd like that?""Intensely.""But wouldn't that mean that I could drive you out of here?""It would bring us closer together.""You and me?""Your bank account and me."Then, nauseating-looking split-pea soup shot out from the heating vents.

But seriously, folks... Apparently, the transmission [or, "tranny"] is allll messed up somehow, and it will cost between $1700-$2200 to fix AND that just happens to be my car's blue book value, and also would bring the Total Amount Of Completely Irritating Car Expenses Since June to about $2800-$3100 [or "so very much more than I'm willing to spend just to keep driving the same car that I always drive"].

So, I don't know. I'm trying to think of a way that I can take this car, and make car-ade from it. Like maybe I can find a 70s Lincoln that has automatic transmission [one plus], and is black [so it looks like a mobster car, another plus OBVIOUSLY.] THEN, when I have enough money to spend on a new car [which will be "never," but let's just say for the sake of argument...] I can then in turn find some OTHER foolio who just wants a car that looks like maybe a mobster drives it, sell it to him, AND LAUGH ALLLL THE WAY TO THE BANK!

I don't know! For now, goodbye, 1993 Nissan Altima. You were a fine second car, and I can drive a stick because of you. Which, it now occurs to me, your current problems might just be you getting revenge for that learning period, years ago. If so, then I take back my goodbye and say "Good riddance, you grudge-keeping asshole!"

maaaaan, you and me both are in the same boat. When in staying in 4th gear, my car likes to sometimes rev the RPMs while the car is obviously getting no power. Slippage, if you will. And the car has no value, due to the extraneous amount of damage that theives, friends, and yours truly have done to it. I'm still paying the fucker off too. I haven't gotten it checked out yet, (because there's zero time i can during work hours), but the car is turning into the biggest technological piece of shit since that Armatron you could once buy at radioshack.

"Look! I'm spending way more effort and using two hands to pick up a school eraser i could have picked up with one hand!"

Laaaaame! Man, and the thing that sucks extra about it for you and me is how much we hate driving, anyway. I'm sure I'd have no problem spending money on fixing my car, or having an unexpected "now I have to buy a used car all of a sudden" expense if cars were my favorite thing in the world, or something. Man. I just pictured myself being one of those dudes that has pictures of himself taken next to his car... weeeeird.

Dude, I owned a '79 Pontiac LaMans, and that car was the bomb. Only car I've owned that could peel out without gravel or rain. Took a lot of gas, though. But you did feel like a 70's mobster driving it, which is more than compensation. So that Lincoln is lookin' good.

I'm sure you're going to be rich for either being a great writer, an excellent musician, or both, so fret not, bling bling and fancy cars are in your future. You'll just have to decide then whether you're rather just go out and buy another '93 Altima.