Sunday, April 18, 2010

Surprise!

I have always loved the saying, "You plan, God laughs".

I used to be a neurotic planner, but parenthood has created enough chaos that I know it's just not reasonable anymore.

We planned to take this month of from trying to have a baby. I even had a few drinks, a few times, something I haven't EVER done. We relaxed and it was nice. I was a little miffed when my period didn't show, but wasn't concerned, after all we tried NOT to get pregnant.

I tested a few days later, just to be sure, and as I expected it was negative. Still no monthly friend. So I tested again and again negative. I figured I was just going to skip a month. Not normal, but it has happened.

I started to feel awful; falling asleep on the couch, dizzy, hungry, grouchy, an my boob hurt like hell. I figured I had horrible PMS, but when we were cashing out that the $store I grabbed a cheapy test. I took it in a mall bathroom, because pregnancy tests in my possession MUST BE TAKEN.

And holy crap there was a SUPER light line. So I ran out and got a more expensive one and holy hell it was positive too.

Still not satisfied that it was a mistake, the next day, I took these:
How do you argue when it says PREGNANT?

I've had very bad luck in the fertility department for the past few years, so I am a bit of a nervous wreck. I tested again today, desperate to see the lines get darker. They are a tiny bit darker, but not what I hoped to see. So I wait and pray the lines don't stop coming and this baby keeps growing.

I look back on my pregnancies with my three boys, before all the loss and pain, and remember taking a test and just assuming I was having a baby in 9 months. I wish so damn badly I could go back to that blissful ignorance.

I am trying to be calm and almost detached from it all right now, but it is not possible. In my mind I am picking names and outfits.