March 27, 2010

Fact is Better: The Complications of Peeing in a Pint Glass, Part 2

I was working on something or other and my phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize, so I hesitated to answer the call (I've had someone calling me for years looking for Albert). I had recently applied to seven thousand job opportunities though, so I decided to risk it and answer.

Boy, am I glad that I did.

Me: “Hello?”Very Nice, Very Southern Lady: “Hi, I’m looking for a Ms. Stephanie?”Me: “That’s me.”VNVSL: “Hi, I’m calling to conduct a survey on your recent visit to the clinic you visited for your drug test.”Me: “Ooooh, am I glad you called! I got a few things to say about them!”VNVSL: “First of all, I appreciate your willingness to take the survey. Now, ma’am, would you say your visit was a good one? On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the best and . . .”Me: *interrupts her quickly* “Zero.”VNVSL: *stunned into silence* “. . .Uh, what’s that?”Me: “Zero. ZERO! Less than one. It was awful!”VNVSL: “Oh. Wow. Okay. And what would you say made it a bad experience, ma’am?”Me: “I was there for a simple drug test that was required by my new job, but they treated me like I was scum. Like I was some addict there for a check-up by my parole officer.”VNVSL: “. . .”Me: “ . . .”VNVSL: “Okay, then. Now, did you wait long to be seen?”Me: “YES! There were six or seven of us just sitting and waiting! And I saw several nurses just sitting around doing nothing. I mean – ALL I HAD TO DO WAS PEE IN A CUP! A forty-five minute wait when the staff isn’t doing crap is unacceptable, don’t you think?”VNVSL: “I agree. Now, would you recommend . . .”Me: “No, I would not.”VNVSL: “I’m sorry, ma’am, let me finish the question. Would you recommend this center to your friends and family?”Me: “No, I would rather watch them bleed out then bring them to this clinic.”VNVSL: “ . . .”Me: “ . . .”VNVSL: “Okay, then. One last question. Would you return to this clinic for future appointments? Absolutely, Maybe, or . . .”Me: “'No-never-not-ever,' is that an option?”VNVSL: “ . . . ‘Never’ is.Me: "Well that's a little less fun."VNVSL: ". . . right. Um . . . would you like to have the manager from this clinic call you next week? I think it would be very healthy for you to tell him exactly how poorly you feel his clinic was being operated.”Me: “Yes. I would like that very much.”VNVSL: “I thank you so much for your time today.”Me: “And I thank YOU for calling, because this certainly is an excellent follow-up to last week’s blog.”VNVSL: “ . . .”Me: “ . . .”VNVSL: “Have a good evening, ma’am.”