If I had a buck for every time I’ve heard men complain about how complicated women are, I swear, I’d be living on a 300ft yacht, anchored off the coast of the Caribbean, sipping expensive champagne and working earnestly on my tan and that novel I’ve been planning.

However, the opposite is also true – men are equally as complicated as women, if not more so in some circumstances.

Gone are the days of our grandparents where there were stringent guidelines in place that dictated the duties and behaviour of men and women in society. These days anything goes which, don’t get me wrong, I think is a great thing, but has sadly also lead to both men and women losing their way and experiencing mounting frustration when it comes to not only figuring the opposite sex out, but figuring themselves out as well.

The changing roles of men and women in this fucked up world is a subject I think about often when I’m people-watching or engaging with people in social circumstances and one that lead me into a conversation about guys with my girlfriend last night where a sudden epiphany struck me.

I believe that the broad category of ‘guys’ can be broken down into three basic sub-categories into which almost any guy you meet will fit perfectly, and those categories are ‘Men’, ‘Males’ and ‘Bitches’.

This lightbulb moment is inspired by nothing more than the observations I have made over the last 26 years of being alive, and spurred on by the fact that I love nothing more than to engage with, observe and try and carefully take people apart to figure out what makes them tick.

So, starting at the bottom of the list, here’s the SlickTiger breakdown of the 3 categories that guys fall into:

BITCHES

The most defining characteristics of this group of guys are a total lack of backbone, an overriding obsession with themselves and an inability to overcome their insecurities.

Bitches are more concerned with their hair, nails, skin, cologne, clothes and shoes than even their own girlfriends are and go to painstaking lengths to ensure they look and smell immaculate at all times, whether they’re going out to a club or driving three blocks to drop off a DVD.

In social situations they have a tendency to be extroverted to a cringe-worthy degree as they vie constantly for the attention of the group and have an irritating laugh that is completely fake and bursts from them like rapid machine gun fire.

Typically they have more girl friends than guy friends because they love to gossip and they make for great companions when it comes to shopping for a new blouse or a killer pair of heels for the girls night you have planned.

At this point I think it needs to be said that Bitches are not necessarily gay. Gay men don’t all just fall into one category, gay guys can be Men, Males or Bitches. The media loves to portray gay men as flamboyant, raging queens, but in the real world this stereotype doesn’t always hold true.

It’s not all bad though, bitches have some redeeming qualities as well – they are completely in touch with their emotions, can often be really funny and, provided they can actually get over themselves, can be surprisingly thoughtful and understanding when life is kicking you in squarely in the guts.

The biggest issue I have with Bitches though is that they have no problem whatsoever with looking you straight in the eye and lying through their teeth. Nothing is ever their fault and they will squirm and wriggle furiously to avoid shouldering the blame for their mistakes.

Many women fall for this type of guy because they find their hundreds of little idiosyncrasies fascinating and cute and, to put it bluntly, on some level they feel sorry for them and want to mother them.

Further down the line though, when it’s crunch time, Bitches will let you down and blame you for their own shortcomings. They are chronically incapable of handling real responsibility or exercising selflessness in any form.

Be careful of making a Bitch your life partner girls. They might seem fun, adorable and interesting at first, but sooner or later you’ll end up screaming the words, ‘Just fucking grow up!’ or, ‘Be a fucking man for once!’ frequently when huge arguments erupt.

Eventually you’ll grow tired of their endless shit and will probably end up moving right along to the next category of guys.

MALES

Males are the most common group of guys you’re likely to come across and can be sub-divided into the categories of ‘Mr Nice Guy’, ie. the first guy to get fucked, but the last guy to get laid (that quote courtesy of The MAEN!) and Mr Asshole ie. the guy that gets laid all the time.

Mr Nice guy gets on with life and is a damn side more reliable and consistent than a Bitch would be. In social situations, they move in groups of two or three and are typically seen huddling in the corner or the nightclub, casting surreptitious glances at the gorgeous women in the room and wishing they had the balls to just go up and talk to them.

The problem with Mr Nice Guy is that he has lost his ability to be assertive and is prone to bouts of low self esteem that manifest in him doing nothing at all.

If Mr Nice Guy is out with his girlfriend and another guy starts hitting on her, Mr Nice Guy will stand aside politely and let the other guy muscle his way in there because another trait of Mr Nice Guy is that he will do almost anything to avoid confrontation.

Like I said though, they’re ok guys, and in many cases actually end up with seriously gorgeous women when they approach their mid thirties because by then a lot of women are ready to settle down with Mr Nice Guy because he’s predictable, easy to control and has usually amassed a small fortune by then by keeping his head down and working like a dog.

Mr Asshole on the other hand get’s more ass than a porta-loo at a rock festival, but this solely to do with the fact that he acts like a complete jerk when it comes to women, because he’s figured out that ironically, the less it appears like you want a woman, the more she will want you in turn.

These Males are your typical beer-swilling jocks that also congregate in groups of three or more and thrill in the fact that they actually know very little about women because for their purposes, they don’t need to.

The problem with these guys is that, while they might be able to get a lot of tail, they can never keep it because they are basically severely underdeveloped emotionally and have a proclivity to cheat on their girlfriends at the drop of a hat.

Males do a lot of damage to women’s perception of men because they lead women to believe that there are only two types of men on this planet – Mr Nice Guy, who is stable, considerate, quiet and unassuming, but ultimately boring and Mr Asshole, who is wild, rough, unpredictable, but ultimately inconsiderate and careless with their lovers, girlfriends and wives.

Which leads me to the final and sadly the rarest type of guy out there.

MEN

There is a type of guy out there who lives his life according to the ideals of honesty, courage and integrity in all situations, who treats all the people he comes across in his life with equal respect and understanding and who has the confidence to be assertive without being arrogant, the intelligence to know when to pick his fights and how hard to fight them and the balls to shoulder the responsibility of his fuck ups and admit when he is wrong.

Being a Man is a lifelong ambition, it’s something guys have to work towards constantly and it’s something that only at the end of his life will a guy ever know if he’s achieved, and it’s for those reasons that real Men are difficult to find.

Men carry themselves with a natural confidence that is not forced or contrived, but rather lies calmly beneath the surface and is so palpable that other people can actually feel it the second a Man walks into the room.

A Man makes it his life’s mission to understand himself and is not afraid to explore every facet of his personality no matter how dark or difficult those roads may be.

Real Men are fascinated by and in awe of women. They recognise the power these beings have over us and are not threatened in any way by that, or afraid to give their hearts to women, no matter how vulnerable that might make them feel.

Men live their lives with a conviction that seldom wavers and a core set of values and ideals for which they are prepared to fight and, in some cases, die in order to uphold.

At the same time though, a true Man also possesses a great sense of humour and an ability to keep smiling though the going might be tough and keep laughing though his heart might be breaking to pieces inside.

Men have the capacity to put other people first and seek to help rather than criticise people weaker than themselves. They are great listeners because they understand that in each person they meet they encounter pieces of themselves and as such are able to understand and tolerate a lot of people that the rest of society deems strange, different or difficult.

Men seldom lose their cool, but when they do, it’s because you have harmed someone close to them, in which case you better run as hard and fast as you can because they will not hesitate to track you down and tear you a new one.

Men respect themselves and their bodies, take pride in their appearance and usually exercise frequently because they enjoy pushing their bodies and minds as far as they can go and breaking through the boundaries that previously defined them.

A large part of a Man’s life is also dedicated to the control and subsequent eradication of fear, because they realise the simple fact that until they do this, they will never be able achieve greatness.

There are guys like this out there, but it is not always apparent at face value which guys have decided to walk the road of Manhood and which are just floundering around with no purpose, drive or vision.

Also, real Men prove themselves through their actions and not their words and this is the single most important thing I would encourage women to do – listen to the things he says and watch the things he does and if the two don’t add up, proceed with caution because there’s a good chance he’s full of shit.

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I hope this has helped in some way. I might be completely off the mark here, and if you have any thoughts on the topic, please feel free to fire away, that’s what the comments section is for :)