SMAT RESULTS

0.0

Wow, look at you, a 21st century human devoid of any social media addiction. What are you even doing on a computer? Can I assume you live in a wooded area with spotty wifi? Are you in a public library right now? Why are you sitting here taking this test when you could be building a campfire somewhere? There are ways you can change this lifestyle, but I’m doubtful there’s any hope for you at this point; just forget technology even exists and get your granola buddies together to hold hands and sing kumbaya till the sun sets.

1.0

Alright, we get it. Social media isn’t your thing. Our guess is that you post biannually and both posts are in reference to some sort of holiday or birthday. Go outside and take a deep breath of fresh air, something you probably often do, taking solace in the fact that social media hasn’t enveloped you in its chains. Thankfully there’s a way to increase your social media usage in a healthy way but you’ve already been on the computer too long today as it is, we’ll be here when you come check it out in a few months.

1.5

On the fringes of being a social media luddite, we understand that you don’t publish much of anything with your online presence and when you do, we can safely assume you know nothing of the unwritten etiquette that exists there. Like any of your own posts recently? Perhaps you posted a status update in the third person? Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us, and when we say the best of us, we really mean just people like you; you know, the technologically inept. It doesn’t have to be this way though. Help is available, but who knows if you’ll be able to handle it.

2.0

Having a 2.0 GPA means that you’re barely passing school, and on this test a 2.0 means you’re barely passing life. Sure, you can justify the tumbleweeds that blow wistfully through the ghost town that is your Facebook profile by claiming that you’re “too busy” to keep up with it, but we all know what the real issue is: you have nothing interesting to say. Much like the nerdy kid who you bribed to do your homework for you so you could pass your classes, we do have ways to up your GPA but even then you’ll most likely continue to just scrape by.

2.5

While social media isn’t your top priority, there isn’t much going on in your life to fill the time between work and sleep and you’ve already watched everything worth watching on Netflix. In these dark hours of desperation you turn to social media for entertainment and regularly repost pictures of a frowning cat with some H-I-LARIOUS text written across the top and bottom of it. Here’s an idea: seek help rather than sit at home and subject anymore loved ones to the genetic failure that is that cat’s face.

3.0

At this level you’re either A) one of the more popular, vocal Facebook parents, swift to let us all know how awesome your daughter’s piano recital was or share that image of praying hands with an inspirational psalm laid over it, or B) one of the least popular kids in your school. Either way, your online presence is probably embarrassing someone and your options for recovery are limited.

3.5

While your content is most likely in no way engaging, you do have enough social media sense to engage in other people’s content, and they appreciate you for that. Kind of like that annoying friend who the group keeps around because they have a pool and/or a theater room. All roles must be filled, and the role of people pleaser is one you were born to play. That all can change today, however; help is available and if we ask you to accept it we know you will because that’s just the kind of person you are.

4.0

Internet time is a special time for you. At this level we notice you do make sincere efforts to interact, but seem to be falling short in gaining popularity. You’re most likely a teenager whose parents control the wifi password and/or have banned smartphones from your home. Hurry and get whatever help is available to you to boost your online presence before your parents turn off the circuit breaker that your computer is plugged into.

4.5

Here’s the deal: you’re not original. The lyrics you tweet have already been tweeted, the abandoned buildings you post to instagram have already been posted, and the political discussions you rant about on Facebook have already been exhausted beyond recognition. Instead of attempting to prove to others how original you are by posting your quirkiness to social media, do the truly original thing get out of the vicious cycle that is trying so hard to be different that you end up being like everyone else.

5.0

Ah, right in the middle. Not absent, but also not addicted. Must feel good to land right here in the comfort zone, huh? Wrong. Your fence-sitting is an annoyance to everyone around you. Stopping to take pictures to post on instagram later (due to your desire to maintain your average social media presence) annoys your hardcore outdoorsy friends, and being out of the loop on the latest news and updates (due once again to your nothing more than average social media presence) makes you hard to talk to amongst your more techy circles. Help is only available to those who want to be helped but from the looks your indecisiveness you never really commit to wanting much of anything.

5.5

Based on the number of friends you have coupled with your frequency of posts per week, it is a mathematical impossibility that you post anything worth reading. Do you think that if you skip out on tweeting one particular night that someone is going to call you breathlessly pleading with you to tell them how your dinner was? Spoiler alert: no one’s going to call. No one cares how your dinner was. Luckily there is hope for you because you do know your way around the social media platforms, but save your posts for days when things happen that are worth posting and put your phone into airplane mode until then.

6.0

With this score, it’s likely that you’re popular at your school or within your age bracket, most likely in your teens. You post juicy gossip or your “lol whatever” opinions about school, teachers, other students, and all within the 18-and-under universe just eats it up. The problem with this is that being popular as a teenager is about as awesome as skim milk in the grand scheme of things and in grown-up land your sports stats or homecoming crowns hold little weight. Get the help necessary to broaden your worldview. Otherwise, square your shoulders, high school elite: It’s a long road of early pregnancy and minimum wage jobs for you.

6.5

At this level, you can begin to feel the real world effects of your social media addiction. Friends and family members are often upset with you for looking at your phone regularly. People can get ahold of you more often by tweeting at you rather than calling you. When you talk to people, you have to actively remind yourself to not bring up your follower count. You are one several hour late night feed scrolling session away from requiring a legitimate intervention.

7.0

Congratulations. You have reached the threshold where your social media persona is more interesting, outgoing, and likeable than the real you. You probably “meet people” via social media, then when and if you do meet up with them in the flesh you leave something to be desired. In this instance, that “something desired” is a personality, but unfortunately it’s right where you left it: online. The window of hope for having a normal life is small for you. Start out by meeting people the old-fashioned way: extending your hand and saying, not typing, “hello.”

7.5

You are nearing the levels of legitimate addiction. Day to day tasks become cumbersome, responsibility bothersome. You may have realized this problem forming and, in a pathetic attempt to salvage your relationships, made the drastic decision to deactivate your accounts. This cry for attention usually lasts for about 2 weeks until you come crawling back, just like the rest of us. We always come back.

8.0

Alright, this is just sad. Do you even do things in real life anymore? Have you lost interest in activities you once enjoyed? Does one of your posts not getting enough “likes” legitimately bother you? I’m willing to bet you’ve forgotten how to ride a bicycle. As of right now, you are addicted to all the wrong kinds of social media and life is passing you by. Seek help, friend.

8.5

This, if your social media habits go uncorrected, is a glimpse into your future: “Hey grandpa/grandma, tell us some of your best childhood memories!” “Ah, you see kiddo, in my day we spent countless hours posting mundane blurbs of information on the internet and one day, you wouldn’t believe it, my worthless little paragraph got over 100 likes, my phone was absolutely blowing up, youngin! Blowing up!” You’re going to make a horrible grandparent and will most likely end up in a nursing home. If you would like to not eat cold tapioca pudding for the last 10 years of your life, get the help you need and forge strong relationships with friends and family now, so when the time comes where you’re wearing adult diapers, you’ll have some people who will love you enough to want to keep you around.

9.0

Stand up right now and go outside. That smell you smell? That’s grass. That bright orb in the sky? No it’s not a powerful fluorescent bulb they just came out with. It’s the sun, and your skin misses its warmth. Now drive to the nearest body of water and skip your smartphone across its glassy surface like a smooth stone. Your degree of social media addiction is nothing short of troubling and disconnection from your internet persona may cause disorientation and legitimate depression. There is a problem with humanity in this day and age and that problem is you. But it doesn’t have to be. Row a boat out onto the lake, grab that phone, stick it in a bag of rice for a few days to get the water out, then seek the help that, while available, may be ineffective on you.

9.5

If you just heard a knock on your door, don’t be alarmed. It’s just your friends and family coming by to sit you down for a social media intervention. Your addiction is borderline psychotic. The hug of a loved one doesn’t bring you the same level of satisfaction as does a inconsequential interaction from an unknown internet entity half a world away, and that’s a problem. Chances are the word “belieber” finds its way into your posts on occasion and you’re a big fan of “memes.” Coincidentally, no one in real life is a big fan of you. But you can turn that around. Back in the day the word “social” was often followed by the word “life,” not “media.” Start building that new social life from the ground up as soon as possible.

10.0

You are it. You are a social media monster, and you make everyone, including me―a nonsentient website―worried for your mental well-being. In the delusional fantasy world you live in, you are a pseudo-celebrity and you most likely believe that you have “fans.” You soak up the praise of other web dwellers who call your content “lolworthy” and you immediately block anyone you deem to be a “hater.” Your addiction to social media is likely incurable, any and all treatment options should have already been exhausted. But, if you refuse to resign yourself to this fate, get help immediately. Start using your undeniably amazing networking prowess to get friends together and capitalize on your web popularity by throwing insane parties. The future depends on you at this point. We can only help people who want to be helped; does that include you?