Not bullied. The bully.

I know this probably isn't a normal story on this website. This is not a story about me being bullied. Yes I was before. But I bullied, verbally. Twice physically. But mostly verbally.
I am going to start from when it started...In second grade I was picked on by a a girl a grade higher than me. I didn't faze me because I didn't really care. Sometimes she was nice and other times she was just pure mean. In third grade she jumped on me in the hallway of the private school I went to. I told the teacher of course. I was brought up like that. I was brought up through Christ and to do what's right. The girl was suspended for three days and we became close friends. Like literally she spent the night at my house and we were the two basketball stars growing up.
Now I'm getting off track by a few years. Now after the whole commotion with her a new kid came in. He was a boy. And for some reason I started to pick on him. He was nice and competitive like me, but I was mean to him all the time. Since I started to verbally pick on him, I started to do that to other kids. Especially this one boy who was the same height as me. I was always tall and I still am very tall for my age. But we would always fight over who was taller but I was always a little taller than him. So really we never got along. I pushed him one day and he fell against the wall. A teacher saw and reported me and I got in trouble there and at home.
My home life wasn't messed up. It was perfectly fine and it still is. The only little twist was that I was a teen baby. So my dad was around but my mom had married another man. I always loved that I had two dads that were wonderful to me. But then life says, oh everything's going good - let me just mess with this a little bit. My great grandma died. My biological dads grandma. He was so close to her, I can't even explain. She was like his mother. So when she left this world, I noticed a change in him. He drifted away and barely came around. I noticed he would never come when he promised. Then a letter came in the mail a year after I had last saw him. It said he gave up all parental rights to me and that basically I was my moms and my stepdads kid now. He wanted no part. That messed me up, in ways no one ever understood. It didn't come through my actions. But through my mind.
Bullying became a habit of mine after the situation with my biological dad. It was the snarky comments that came out of my mouth in sixth grade. There was an awkward kid in my class. He always tried to fit in. Now I go to a private school. Not some snippy high class private school, but a building of God where the staff and teachers treat you like their own kids. So bullying was rare and was looked down upon. Kids got put out for saying things to other kids like starting drama. So every time this kid talked to me or my friends I would yell at him and tell him to shut up. Also I would say no one cared and that I wasn't talking to you. This went on with more evil comments. And went on with other people.
In seventh grade came out my more evil side. It wasn't just evil comments, but it was breaking people down piece by piece. Verbally. A new girl in our class came and I was evil to her. I would give her a light elbow while walking in the halls and laugh at her with my friends. It kept going for a while. But then I realized this is stupid. So I came up to her a apologized. We became best friends. Tight nit, like the ones in the books.
I also got my first boyfriend in seventh grade. (If he counts, I wasn't even allowed to date.) we really only texted him. By I got bored. So I started to mess with him. He had said he loved me but I never said it back. It was overrated. I didn't want a boyfriend. So I broke up with him. Then I wanted something to take up my time. So I asked him out again and he said yes. And I kept playing with his feelings. Everything I said to him I never meant at all. In anyway... So we broke up and I began to bully him. I would call him nerdy and mess with him about being to uptight. I would make fun of him when he was stressed and mess with him while he upset or mad. It was just fun and also I knew that God didn't want that but I wasn't worried about that then.
My best friend dated him for 5 months, a day after we broke up. She never told me until I found out by her other friend. So I took this to my advantage. I made a scene. I ruined our friendship with a situation of a boy I didn't even like. I wanted attention. I wanted people to give me sympathy. I made a scene and ruined her. She was so upset and so was I. But I wasn't going to let her win. Then my game kept going. I asked her to forgive me. I wanted to be close enough to hurt her emotionally. But I didn't realize what I was doing until now. We became friends again but I ruined it again by making fun of her with my friends. I kept going at it until it didn't faze her or anyone anymore. I became lonely.
It didn't help me or anyone with my little games. I had to work real hard to build those relationships with my classmates. Now I'm in eighth grade and I'm still working on my mess I made. I completely realized I turned against my belief and asked for forgiveness. I'm more nicer than I was any other year. My class sees it too. My parents also notice. I feel...refreshed almost. Like I took a deep breathe and after 5 years I let go and kept breathing in the fresh air given to me.
My point is...that anyone can be bullies. Even those who were bullied. Every bully has a reason even if it's really small like mine, bit that still doesn't make it right. It doesn't make it right the hurt that I made them feel. I want people to know, coming from a ex-bully (I'm beaming at that word), it's hard for anyone. It's not easy, but I got through it. It might be harder for those who are bullied. But speak up and pray for those who bully you. You can't hold grudges towards them, it won't help your case. Hold your head up and don't come to their level. It helps mostly. They just want to make a rise out of you. Trust me I know. Speaking up not only to others but to them gets their attention. But appropriate speaking up lol.
All in all, kept your head up all the time that one day your neck will start to ache. And you will laugh and realize you got through it.

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