When I was around fifteen I went through a short phase of going to raves in warehouses. I only took ecstasy for the first few times, but then decided on one occasion after dropping a pill that I would like to try ketamine. I had never done it before and the guy who gave me some was off his face- my friend later told me that he though the guy had given me about half a gram’s worth which I snorted all at once (I think it took me about three snorts to get it all down.) I remember my friend looking a bit shocked, but at this point he couldn’t really talk.

I went to sit in a stairwell with some strangers, and then I remember the first effect. It was as if where I was sitting, the stairwell, was a scene or stage which ever 10 seconds was changed, as if each setting was on a pulley system and was replaced. The floor, and walls, and people were the same, but the materials, lighting, and colours changed. This started to happen faster and faster. I also felt as though I could communicate with the people I was with through gestures, associated with a certain movement with my arm. Certain words and phrases or patterns of sound started to repeat, as if they were somehow very significant.

Certain words and phrases or patterns of sound started to repeat, as if they were somehow very significant.

The world started to look like a continuously moving pattern that is always very and totally visible but unperceivable by the human eye- and in its own way totally horrific. I started to feel as if I knew something ineffably awful.

I don’t remember how I got to the next place which was the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me. It was a long time ago and I think I purposefully tried to forget because it was just so terrifying on a level that is very difficult to convey. However I have had a few flashes of it since, when inhaling nitrous, acid, and occasionally certain words or patterns remind me of it. It was as if it was the bare emptiness of the world, out of time. There was something digital about it, as if I could look at an object from all angles at once, as if everything was frozen in an abyss and digitalized. I think there were other beings there, as I remember a sort of communication- but it was a horrified communication- there general messages I was trying to convey or receiving was ‘this is the truth, this is it, and it’s terrifying’. I vaguely remember a movement in a very limited, fractured, digital way- as if movement altered the nature of what I was in this new, grid like, empty, frozen world.

I had no idea what I was, who I was, what is was to be a human or what had happened. But I knew deeply that I had done something very bad. I also felt as if everything was going to end. Nothing from real life existed any more and I couldn’t recall anything at all. I had no body. Just the same feeling over and over: 'I am lost' 'who am I?'

Apparently I was speaking, crying, saying ‘who am I?’ over and over again. At this point the face of my friend appeared very small in the corner of my vision. He was saying something, and he grew bigger and bigger. The face of a woman also appeared in a similar way, reassuring me.

When I eventually came back into the room and started to make slightly more sense of things the woman told me that I had been crying, and that I had been in a K hole for around 2 hours. I am glad she was there to reassure me as I was absolutely terrified, in a strange warehouse, thinking I had died. They had found me collapsed in a small room.

I was very shaken up for the next week or so.

I was very shaken up for the next week or so.

I was relieved to be back in the comforting, mundane world. The whole experience was still very fresh and words or sounds took me back to the same horrifying but inexplicable feelings and revelations. It is impossible to describe just why it was so horrible. I think it was the feeling that is always had been the truth, and that it’s so tangible, and yet we in the mundanity of daily life don’t see the abyss that is staring us in the face. It was chaotic, meaningless, and infinite.

Maybe the horror came from knowing that I had put myself into this state through folly. I had the feeling throughout the K hole of seeing something I was not meant to, that was not meant for my eyes, as I was unable to deal with the truth.

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