Have You Seen These States?

UPDATE: If you’re looking for the post by Peter Grant — yes, this is how well I’m functioning today — please look here.

For some time now, I’ve been puzzling over the missing eight (No, truly, check my math, 1+7=8) US States that have vanished from our geography and our history without a trace.

I’m the first to admit that when I first heard of their potential existence, it seemed impossible, however after watching more than four years of coverups and dense-cluster scandals, I’ve become aware that it’s possible to hide just about everything from the American public. And after reading some of the books wished upon my kids by their history classes, I also know it’s possible to make the American public forget just about everything. (Oh what fun it is to sit one of the boys in front of, say, my collections of reprinted WWI news, and watch their illusions shatter. And if the sources are about WWII you can warm your hands to the flames of burning lies.)

But still, even given all that, what could possibly have happened to eight American states? It’s not like they could simply have been inadvertently thrown out with the broken crockery. They’re states.

So we did what we do here at ATH headquarters and engaged in some exhaustive searching. Yes, okay, we looked in Havey’s litterbox. Look, it’s where big things that go missing usually end up. Small things, too, like screws and coins. (That cat is going to cost us so much money one of these days.) That or thrown up all over the upstairs floor, like last week when he decided it was a good idea to eat the (fortunately soft-bristled) broom.

When this failed we employed our minds in an exhaustive search, and we’re happy to report our findings.

First, some of the missing states can be inferred by squinting really hard at the map, and their fates discovered by pulling from air judicious inquiry.

Take East Virginia, for instance. Between the depictions of West Virginia in movies and popular series and Virginia’s insistence that it is “for lovers” what could poor Virginia do but slowly shrink out of sight, out of sheer embarrassment. This is a process often observed when you have three teenagers in the back of the car, two are behaving boisterously and the third just keeps shrinking and shrinking, and shrinking, trying to escape the association. (It can also be observed when teenagers are forced to walk anywhere with their parents. Our younger son could almost be suspected of possessing a cloak of invisibility.)

There is also the sad case of Old Hampshire, whom we think has disappeared due to our emphasis of youth culture. It might have moved to England.

And since West Virginia and Virginia proves (to us) that there should be, as well as an east and west and a north and a south, a state that goes by its plain unvarnished name, we’re right now putting out a call for Dakota and Carolina. We have not been able to find a trace of you, and have no idea what we did to you, but do come home. All is forgiven. We probably can live without Dakota which is probably too cold, but we desperately need Carolina. There are still some people living in the rust belt, and they need somewhere to move to.

Nwadna is perhaps the most baffling of the missing states. In fact, the only trace remaining of this once great state are yellowed and crumpling bumperstickers adhering to the rusted bumpers of fifties cars.

We know Nwadna must have been a tourist destination because the bumperstickers proclaim “Nwadna by Godna” and “Nwadna or bust.”

Of course this IS an historical artifact!

However where it was located, or what happened to it, no one knows. If you look at the more conspiracy theory type of books, you’ll find hints and throat clearings about whole states of votes disappeared to ensure this or that election. We suspect a careless pole worker discarded the state along with the votes, and thus we lost Nwadna forever. Did it have purple mountain majesties or crystal clear lakes? We don’t know and we mourn not having the chance to find out.

There is one more state we’re missing. We’re not absolutely sure of its name. Look, the truth is, it has changed its name so often, we’re not sure it’s sure of its name. These days it’s going by Guido, but we think that’s a name of accommodation. There are indications that in the past it went by Jeffersonia, Franklia, John Smith and Bob.

Guido is said to be living in Italy. There are indications and hints that Jeffersonia Franklia John Smith Bob Guido was created as a mobile state by our founding fathers. With its ability to change names and merge abroad, it was an invaluable asset to our secret services. Why send spies, when you could send a whole state.

This would account for all the people born abroad who know, in their hearts, that they’re American. (Not that we know anyone like that.) They were probably born within the mobile territory of Guido.

Guido is said to be living in this apartment. It takes in washing to make ends meet.

Of course — removes shoes to count — the more alert (and probably more caffeinated) readers of ATH will know that there are still two states missing.

We promise to continue our endeavors to find them and will take any tips.

160 responses to “Have You Seen These States?”

How about Confusion and Grace? Both are states, I’m told. And while I’m quite familiar with the former, I seldom hear much about the latter. It is in need of rescue, though; else people wouldn’t talk so much about Saving Grace.

Sorry. The folks on the eeeeaaaarly news were showing why live TV and Friday the 13th don’t mix, and my mind’s been stranger than usual all morning. That and gently bumping my head against the remaining sheet-rock in my office as I wonder why we can’t just use a saber saw around the Beltway and gently shove DC and all its denizens into the Gulf Stream. Followed by the chunk of Manhattan Island under the UN.

Today does not feel a good day. I’m feeling fondness for a scenario I couldn’t line up a plot for. Turn the populations of a number of American population centers into zombies, then feed the zombies to shoggoths. I didn’t and don’t have enough of a handle on long form comedy to pull it off.

re Bug Bombs
When I lived in Kenner Louisiana, that happened to a house two blocks away from me. Lifted the roof (they had two in every room … roaches in south Louisiana are huge and tough … Florida calls them Palmetto Bugs) and forgot to kill the pilot light on the water heater and the place was condemned. The owners had to break in to collect some valuables and all the Xmas gifts (the boom was some few day before the 25th), and the cop living next door “was out that night”.

that is one of the many I scream at the tv when watching. They sealed it too much, and they had low oxygen levels. This one was a typical N.O. 70s build with a brick/stick construction, and the water heater in the bathroom, extending up into the attic, putting the pilot light/igniter at eye level…the pilot likely wasn’t the culprit (the report just said gas water heater) it was the not shutting it off and when it fired up to heat water you got a large flame … Bigger than the one the Missedbusters ended up using.

I don’t think the problem was that they sealed it too tight, I think the problem was that they ignited it deliberately. Yes, a pilot light would ignite it, but it would ignite it almost exactly at the concentration level which is best for an explosion, because that would be the most likely concentration for the ignition to happen in the first place. I think they let it get too thick in the room before they fired the igniter.

Well to be fair to them, the “myth” was after the bombs were pretty much emptied the place blew up, but it is part a case of them not being nearly as smart as they want people to think and not doing enough research into cases where it may have happened (often the myths are based on incorrect assumptions of real situations. I don’t think I have ever watched a show where at some point I didn’t want to slap one or both of them, even the “disappearing Cement Truck” episode.
When they did the Exploding CD I knew from experience it happens and how, and they had to go get some power tool and modify things to get it to happen. I nearly injured me and my cat when it occurred to me. slight cracks in the disk, and a cheap 52x drive are all that is needed (and putting the disk into the wrong drive to copy it so those cracks are no longer an issue.). Bits stuck in a corrugated box on a shelf where moments before my cat had jumped down from. Luckily the tower pointed away from me and she had moved.

I often find myself in the state of bewilderment. And once, Panic. It wasn’t a nice place. I think we should see if we can trade it to Putin in exchange for, oh, I dunno . . . why don’t we just call it a goodwill gesture.

Considering how often I found myself in a state of panic reading headlines this week, I second this.
And now you know why I wrote this post. Writing a “Are we slouching towards WWIV or running towards it?” post seemed… too much for me.

I am quite horribly depressed by the recent events in Iraq. It was always a bit of a gamble, going in to overthrow Saddam Hussein … but I thought it was worth it, if the middle east could be rid of that incubus, that we would have a strategic almost-ally, finish up the job we started in the first Gulf War, and basically establish a new paradigm.

But our “fearless leader” (the quote marks are the viciously sarcastic kind) has chosen to p*ss all that blood and sacrifice away. Really, I live for the day when he and any of his administration won’t dare to go out in public for fear of rotten vegetables thrown at them.

I’m not depressed, I’m lividly angry. Not only do we have a President who is an active enemy of not just the military, but the existence of the USA, but we have a Congress that has the spinal integrity of a piece of spaghetti that has been soaking for three days. And whenever he does something illegal (almost daily) they refuse to do anything about it.

Hey, at least with NM it’s a fine bipartisan tradition going back to the Territorial period. (For those not into the history of NM, let’s just say that the Santa Fe Ring was neither a jewelry store nor the local boxing club.)

Or as someone I know from Albuquerque said: We’re like Chicago, but with tortillas.

If you talk to Geologists they will blame the missing states on subduction which gives some evidence that at least one or two of the missing states must have located just west of Colorado. It is also possible that two of the states were simply washed away in the great flood of 1927. Very few people are alive from that time who can verify this. A Philosopher will deny the existence of the remaining states so we can’t go there for any real help.

I have a very distant memory of East Virginia but that was early 1961 and I was only 10 and I was riding as a passenger in the Family car on a trip to Washington DC and maybe it was just a historical travel trinket purchased at one of those road side stands.

There is a slim possibility that these states were swallowed up by Time Holes and might reappear at any time. I do not place much hope in this because these well documented phenomena have only been seen to effect smaller objects such as car keys, eye glasses, remote controls and the like. All of us have experienced Time Holes but usually just shrug it off when these objects suddenly appear in the very place you were looking for them just a few minutes earlier. Quantum theory suggests that if these time holes could be big enough to swallow an entire state the amount of time that the state would be transported to would be proportionally as large. Imagine an entire state population suddenly transported nearly 100 years in the future. What would they think of us now and how would there sudden appearance effect the rest of us?

I had not given this subject much thought until now. I will be on the lookout for other missing things.

In most things there’s an inverse relationship between size and number. So you have lots of displaced car keys, fewer lost dogs, disappearing cars (although I understand there are hot spots for disappearing late model high demand vehicles) and so on with increasing size. Surely displacing entire states is rare, and continents, (as far as TPTB have allowed the information to leak) only once.

On the other hand, while there are “stories” about Atlantis being this “Great And Glorious Place” tragically lost, there are also stories about Atlantis deserving destruction. Plato, who created the Atlantis story, had Atlantis starting out as a “model civilization” but ending up as “evil conquerors” who were justly destroyed.

I was more playing on the “lost” part as in it wasn’t lost but thankfully taken away. [Smile]

Eurgh, that means the oh-so-mockable “57 states” comment was more likely, according to Occam’s Razor, a mere slip of the tongue, saying “fifty” when he means “forty”. Drat, now I’m going to have to hold off on mocking him about that one. Why did you have to go and bring facts into my nice neat snark?!? :-P

What I think happened was he had 57 stops in the 47 states, and he was due to go to that last Lower 48 state. as he said, he wasn’t bothering going to Alaska (why wastes the trip as he was certain to lose it) and the Islands (the opposite, it wasn’t like he was going to lose that state) but his math was 60 states (57 + 1 + 2) and if Palin or McCain had said that we would still be hearing how it proved how ignorant the person was (like Palin saying she could see russia from her yard is STILL repeated … and it was actually an SNL skit said by Tina Fey … but the leftoids still claim Palin said that)

Using fractal analysis, I postulate the existence of the 13 1/2 colony, a 8’x4′ territory located just off of Rhode Island. The boundaries exactly map one Mrs. Arbuthnot’s front parlor. She rules her territory with an iron fist, but her cockatiel is secretly plotting a coup. (no, WordPress, I did not mean “cockatrice”. Go home, you’re drunk.)

I used to live in the state of Blissful Ignorance. It was created when the State of Ignorance was split into Willful and Blissful. It was a wonderful place full of Unicorns and Rainbows (two major products of Ignorance). Sadly, I was forced to leave when I started educating myself (which is against the rules in both states). I was exiled to the State of Simmering Rage. The true crime is they wouldn’t let me take my unicorn with me. I miss you Bobo!

Down girl. Screaming rage just gets one a sore throat. Righteous anger, on the other hand, puts one in a state of PO, where every citizen who’s been paying attention of late has found themselves. And many of us find ourselves co-existing at the same time in the state of Schadenfreude as the pack of vile progs who lied themselves into power find their house of flimsy cards collapsing down upon their heads. Unfortunately, our heads as well, daggnabit.

Snarling, and Incandescent Rage were the states I was in yesterday, before moving into Cold Rage. Now I’m in state of The Black Flag, but I’m too entrenched in Annoyance, Frustration and Apathy. I’m trying ot move to Schadenfreude though.

there is a movement to break California into 5 states .. and just coincedently give the leftoids in L.A. and S.F./ Berkely their own little red hell holes where they can learn to exist without sucking the taxes out of the few productive areas left in the place.

The fact that he said it didn’t irk me, because I can completely understand how it would happen. Thinking about there being 50 States, wanting to be sure your numbers add up, then starting to say the “47”, but the previous thought intruding and turning it into 57. Things like that happen to me all the time. What irked me, and continued to irk me whenever he made unacknowledged similar mistakes until I realized that in his mind, if he ever admits to being wrong about anything, it’s an admission that he’s not perfect, is that after it was brought up, he never made any kind of statement about it, saying something like, “Oops, I meant 47. Mistakes like that happen when you’re speaking off the cuff.”

Now, of course, I understand he can’t admit to be wrong about anything. For one thing, he screws up so many times, he would be seen as the incompetent that he is. For another, he’s built himself up in his own mind as perfect ruler, and to admit any kind of mistake would completely shatter his entire worldview.

I tell people who all the time complain about economy or something they don’t like, who then say things like “I don’t really pay attention to politics” and still go vote this: “You do realize that the Democrat party depends on the ignorant voting to stay in power?” Anything that makes voters know more of what is going on in gov’t, the leftoids hate. Why do they think that is?

my irks were the playing it up wrong (if you are going to slam the left using their tactics get it right) and the lame double standard to the defense of him vs making spit up about Palin like Seeing Russia from her house, and later her 1773 and Revere’s ride statements being proof she was stupid when in case A: she didn’t say that a parody comedienne did and in B: and C: she was correct.

I actually never considered that, but you’re absolutely right. It was an early sign of the Narcissist-in-Chief’s character that he couldn’t stand to admit to any mistakes. Which is why he doubles down on them, instead. Hence most of our recent foreign policy catastrophes.

See, East Virginia ain’t gone, per se, ‘cept it went and became less of a what and a where than a when and maybe a how. And I can tell you this because, eight years and gone, I ain’t had a drop to drink, save that beer with dad after the funeral and it was only the one.

It was magic.

See, around 1918 or so, the country was gettin’ all tore up over liquor. Prohibition, they called it. The eighteenth didn’t become law until 1920, but it was all over before then, the East Virginians weren’t havin’ none of it. They went underground, see.

All those speakeasies and back-room bars? Amateurs. East Virginians done magicked themselves right off the map. What, you think the federal government could be so competent as to wipe a whole state full of the fightn’est, most cussed stubborn rednecks in the country complete and whole out of history? They can’t hardly *make* a budget, let alone stick to it.

I’ve been told you know you been to East Virginia when you wake up down by the river with no shirt, only one shoe on, no money in your wallet, a pair of lacey underthings in one pocket and two tennis balls down your pants, with a vague sense you should be feelin’ guilty about something you don’t remember what and a few unexplained bruises- well, you might have been up the river in East Virginia.

Not that I’d know from personal experience you understand. But, should the above happen to you and completely out of the blue- I’d try my darnedest to make it to the next county before the cops, outraged fathers/brothers/husbands, and creditors come a-callin’. Just sayin’.

That’s what *they* want you to think! The truth is, the State of Franklin was swallowed by a dimensional rift and transported to a parallel universe full of dinosaurs and scantily-clad queens of lost cities.

Few know that the rift still operates, bidirectionally. Every day, two UPS trucks full of unmatched socks make the round trip. Their return load consists of wire hangers which end up in closets nationwide.

And then there was The Free State of Winston in northwestern Alabama. Mostly populated by poor farmers who didn’t see any point in defending the rich slave owners further south. They proposed seceding from the Confederacy, figuring that they’d done it from the Union, so why not. As I recall my Alabama history they sent a representative to Montgomery where he was promptly locked up, so nothing much ever came of it.
To this day you can head over thataway of a Saturday in the summer and for not much cash get a fine buffet chicken dinner followed by a live play recreating the whole story.

I count at least thirty Southern states. The ten actual states, the ten states that Liberals imagine exist (any resemblance between a Liberal’s vision of West Virginia and actual West Virginia is purely coincidental.) Then we have the Mississippi of William Faulkner and the Mississippi of Harper Lee, the Floridas of Dave Barry, John D. MacDonald and Elmore Leonard, to name three. I strongly suspect there are seven or eight Naw ‘Leans, but as I eschew certain Urban Fantasy writers I could be wrong about Lestat.

I shudder to think of the multitude of New Yorks and California’s and don’t really see how Raymond Chandler’s California gets along with that of the Beach Boys …

When Texas joined the United States in the late 1840s, I believe that there was an option considered to split it into five states … but they never carried through on it because of that nagging free-state slave-state thing. And they were having just too darned much fun as one big state anyway.

Oh, right now, the whole *country* is in the State of Insolvency. Though the politicos manage to also be in the State of Incoherence, I just wish the lot of ‘em would move on to the State of Irrelevance.

Does anybody remember the proposed state that was going to have the silly combination name? I’m trying to think what it was. It wasn’t Losantiville (because that was Cincinnati’s name) but it was something Greco-Latinate like that. I think there was also going to be a Transylvania in Kentucky, which is why they have that college name.

I’ve been thinking.

I think Obama is the reincarnation of Aaron Burr, and he’s avenging himself for the failure of that Blennerhassett new country thing. Except Burr apparently lost some competence points below what he’d already lost.

I also knew, but had forgotten, that Nero was the evil Elvis or evil King Arthur of early Christian nightmares. He was stolen away or in hiding, with the same age and vigor he’d had when he’d allegedly snuffed it, and would come back again as the Antichrist. St. Augustine gives the lowdown in City of God, and also adds that “it’s amazing to me” [mihi mira est] that people can come up with this stuff.

I’m fairly sure Guido has never been even close to where I was born, something with such an exotic name would have been noticed here. Unless the name was then something like Pertti. My case might be because it seems everybody in my father’s line – my grandfather, my great aunt and two great uncles – moved to USA a hundred years ago, except grandfather then came back.

So. Some sort of time loop, maybe. Or an echo. As far as I know my father also once had all the necessary papers ready to become a legal immigrant there, sometime in the late 50’s, and my mother was initially ready to go too but then she changed her mind because of me… who knows, maybe I expected to be born there.

Or maybe it was that damn Guido messing things up. Moved here just at the critical moment, and because of that mother decided they might as well stay here. Can I sue?

For some reason the pocket dimensions of the New World are significantly more open than those in the Old World, most especially in North America.

Some think it was the mound builders. Others suspect that the Olmec did it when they were trying to find the path for the hideous things they worshiped. Andrew Jackson blamed the Cherokee.

When the European settlers came, certain tribes of Indians raided across the dimensional thresholds. They were followed back.

When the Union was formed, it was decided that States established entirely in the pocket dimensions would be kept off the books, to have a refuge from foreign powers.

New Fushgevun was discovered by rail police. It has thriving heavy industry, grows specialty produce, and is the largest domestic source of caprine meat. Clarent county’s Mohr-Bull discontinuity lesion is advertised as the largest in the world, though the one in New South Manitoba is larger.

It was originally an exercise in redoing setting ideas I’ve done in other projects. I ran out of steam last night.

I was going to explain that I didn’t have character or plot when it got mentioned today, but being asked to solve that problem led me to a solution. It’s something I can finish, but I don’t think I will be able to do it tonight.

That’s fine. In time for next weekend’s promo will be fine. :D
I don’t think we’ve promoted anything of yours yet, and what better place to start? (I’m mostly kidding about having it up in a week, but it does sound like a ton of fun. Good luck!)

The veil gets mighty thin at the old Winchester House, and though they’d have you believe Centralia is smoking because of a coal fire underground, well, it’s not. I recommend against visiting that particular dimension. Strongly recommend. Crater Lake gets … interesting certain times of the year, and it may be best to avoid Arches Nat’l Park on the full moon.

For some reason the pocket dimensions of the New World are significantly more open than those in the Old World, most especially in North America.

Some think it was the mound builders. Others suspect that the Olmec did it when they were trying to find the path for the hideous things they worshiped. Andrew Jackson blamed the Cherokee.

When the European settlers came, certain tribes of Indians raided across the dimensional thresholds. They were followed back.

When the Union was formed, it was decided that States established entirely in the pocket dimensions would be kept off the books, to have a refuge from foreign powers.

New Fushgevun was discovered by rail police. It has thriving heavy industry, grows specialty produce, and is the largest domestic source of caprine meat. Clarent county’s Mohr-Bull discontinuity lesion is advertised as the largest in the world, though the one in New South Manitoba is larger.

Back during WWII, the big internment camps were set up in Connacht county. I grew up in Scranton county, practically next door.

I was walking home from baseball when a previously unknown Indian tribe hit us.

Fortunately, I wasn’t near any of the real fighting.

I first knew of events when I saw the dog.

I didn’t know the dog, or what I thought was a dog, and I could tell it wasn’t friendly.

When a strange dog looks at you that way, and tries to meander behind you, you don’t show ‘em your back. Dogs and wolves think they can take you from behind, or at least get you running scared and pull you down.

I found a nice tree and backed up to it.

Then I shifted my stainless steel bat to a less interesting grip and relaxed a little.

It disappeared, and I felt clawing on my back.

I dropped and rolled as I reached back.

I got a hold of it with my left hand.

After I’d rolled on it a little, I pulled it from beneath me and got it away.

It seemed more like a cat.

I squeezed.

It came apart, and came back together again looking like a dog.

It was oddly silent as it tried to bite me, I didn’t even hear breathing.

I tried to fend it off, but it was so close that I needed to jamb my forearm in its mouth.

By then I was able to bring around the bat in my right, and started hitting in the back of the neck with the handle.

It came apart, and came back together, thankfully further away.

I rolled to my right, and got back up as fast as I could.

This time it looked like a bear. It was black again, and was now sadly much larger than the cat or the dog shapes.

Nothing I could think of gave me any reason to hope that I could be a match for a bear.

Yet I did not think I had as good a chance doing anything other than attack.

I watched it move, and picked my approach.

It was standing, and swung at me.

It hit my left arm, and my bat hit it.

It came apart.

I hardly noticed, because my arm hurt so bad that I fell down on my bottom.

My enemy had come together again, much further away and was some sort of very large heptapod that I couldn’t place.

My left arm was slightly crooked, and I really didn’t want to move it.

I still had my bat in my right.

I carefully levered myself up.

I thought the monster was moving a bit funny.

As I came after it, it seemed to sway and stumble.

I was able to hit it again.

It didn’t come apart.

That monster was apparently one of the less dangerous ones that they’d released making their escape. Thanks to that, I got out of it alive. Thanks to a good doctor, I kept the arm. Thank goodness more people weren’t hurt.