JANOR?!?!?!

Does anyone know what Janor is up to these days? How can I write him?
Where are my car keys? Why dosn't scope get me drunk anymore?

---------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: JANOR?!?!?!
From: nenslo@teleport.com (NENSLO)

I'm not even allowed to SAY J***R any more or I'd help you.
Every time I do say , you know, he FEELS it and sends me hundreds of
telegrams saying "Nenslo, why persecutest thou me?" And he calls up
famous rock stars and tells them how Nenslo is trying to KILL him by
electronic steam-powered Voodoo Guns. So you're on your own. Good luck.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: JANOR?!?!?!
From: Sternodox <glatter@delphi.com>

Janor lives in SouthWest City, Little Rock. A bad place. He is selling
HATE CRYSTALS (patent pending) - crystals with which to channel ones
hatred toward ones enemies. He is also performing with his new combo,
Southland Corporation. He is also avoiding Bobby Free, the one who's
girlfriend, Cherry, has taken a liking to Janor and is therefore of a
mind to "saw him" if you catch my meaning. He will need to stay at YOUR
house through March or April. Have plenty of pILLs.
Rev. Sternodox

------------------------------------------
From: Stang

Why, I talked to Janor just yesterday. He just got back from Minneapolis
where he was acting in some sort of pornographic CDRom game with Blowfly
and William Burroughs. He had to have "sex," or the Janorian equivalent of
sex, with these two old guys, but he said it paid pretty well. He said they
didn't give him a script, just said to rant, so it'll probably a pretty
good game if you don't look at it. It'll probably sell well to SubGenius
gals; Janor was always the male sex symbol of the Church. Women have told
me that it turned 'em on to watch him do his spazz dance on stage because
he always wore these flimsy paisley pants with no underwear, and I guess
you could kind of see his pecker flopping. I'm not surprised, as it's all
stretched out from a close call he had with a prairie squid that he forgot
to debeak.

"OJ Simpson slaughtered his wife and lover, and all I got was this crummy T-shirt." -- Janor Hypercleats, on my answer machine an hour ago

>I think I may have missed the beginning of this. I will help Janor all I
>can to get onto alt.slack, short of giving him a computer. (He says he
>THINKS he HAS one.) But in the meantime, if it's insane rants you want, we
>just got some fresh new Rant in from Bob Black. He's a LOT crazier than
>Janor. Janor KNOWS he's crazy.

He THINKS he HAS one? He should call some experts over: "Well, it COULD
be a computer. Might be a toaster. Might be a cat. We'd better run some
diagnostics on it."

<fourteen days later>

"Well, sir, it's a cat. But we added a monitor and keyboard, so it should
serve yopuur needs adequately. You'll need to glue it to your desk . . ."

Hmm. I'm not sure what I was starting out to say, but I ended up mocking
computer repairdrones. Oh well, as long as I mocked _somebody_.

-Monty
--
"No, I wanted you to install AND HOOK UP the hard drive, not just set it
neatly inside the CPU compartment."

St. Ain-Soph (ricky@usenet.nerdc.ufl.edu) wrote:
: Does anyone have any news of Janor? Stang said Janor was
: hurtin' one way or other...

Nenslo saith: Well, that didn't just start. I mean that's not any KIND
of news. Not meaning any disrespect to the guy, at least not any UNUSUAL
disrespect.

: ... and to send him cash which I did.

Further saith: Now YOU are the one who's hurtin'. We call that "share
the wealth" in this church.

I don't know. I went and came up with a Church of the SubJanor
Newsletter, and analyzed the whole thing according to General Semantics,
diagrammed it all out and everything, thinking I was really paying
tribute to the guy, trying to show my respect and all, even went so far
as to say that he'd choked to death on his own dick live, onstage, BUT IN
A REAL RESPECTFUL WAY, and the darn guy thinks I HATE him. So you can't win.

Pity, yes. I mean you can't help it. Janor is SO GREAT because
he has EVERY SINGLE PERSONALITY TRAIT of the SubGenius which prevents the
SubGenius from EVER fitting into the world in any way, only he's got
enough for a WHOLE SUBGENIUS PLANET of it. You really have to respect
that. But in a way that just makes you want to cry.

What I'm trying to say is, no. No, I don't.

Have any news, that is, except he called up Mark Hosler of
Negativland once and asked him why I hate him (Janor) so much and why I
won't just leave him alone. Like Hosler would know. But that's just
gossip, not news.
So, No. I don't. Maybe somebody else does.

Master Sergeant Janor Nenslo,
Founder, Church of the SubJanor
--
-Copyright NENSLO KDV 1995-
Send One Dollar to box 86582 Portland OR 97286
This is a READER SUPPORTED ministry.

> Does anyone have any news of Janor? Stang said Janor was
> hurtin' one way or other and to send him cash which I did.
> I assume Janor was the author of that telephone call routine.
> Is he still trying to make it as a comedian? What's up with
> him?
>

Why, I yakked with ol' Janor this morning. His money crisis has abated for
a few minutes... he said he got a few tape orders and a couple of
donations and that really helped. Some friend of his in Little Rock with
show-biz connections helped him set up a comedy show, and videotaped it
with en eye towards making a short "demo" video he could send to comedy
agents. Unfortunately, only 15 people showed up, and it was basically a
bomb, as most of Janor's hometown shows are. I suggested that he compile a
"best of" from the massive video archives of devivals that I have. Trouble
is, that's a lot of work. I haven't even had time to THINK about STARTING
to edit the two things I need from that footage (1, a "Stang rant demo" to
help ME get college lecture circuit gigs ((I WILL NEVER DO COMEDY CLUBS
EVEN IF THEY'D HAVE ME, WHICH THEY WON'T, SINCE THIS IS RELIGION, NOT
COMEDY!!!!! OK?!?!?!)) and 2) a 2-hour "Classic SubGenius Devival MOMENTS"
vid, which would be WILD INDEED and even FUNNY, but requires hours and
days of viewing and note-taking before even thinking about renting the VHS
editing suite.)

Anyway, yeah he's definitely trying to make it as a comedian, while
working as a security guard. I told him that if he was that serious he
needs to get out of Little Rock, move to L.A. or NY and do the clubs like
everybody else. I've been telling him that for 10 years. But Janor has
only minimum wage job skills. He's the most brilliant spouter in the
world, but he's clumsy with equipment of any kind and just plain doesn't
fit in in office situations. He can't pass for Normal like many of us can.
What's worse, he's not a very good comedian when he tries to do what HE
thinks the NORMALS will think is FUNNY. It's too lame for SubGenii and too
offensive for Normals. His sense of political correctness is pretty
fractured. I have strongly urged him to take the freak show bold
surrealist approach (a la the redneck rants on JANOR DevICE 1 and his
newer BOBBY FREE stuff) instead of the fake Jewish comedian approach. But,
as the old bumper sticker said when Sterno DIDN'T print it up, "WHO CAN
CHANGE JANOR?"

Most of Janor's material is non-SubGenius-specific; i.e., you don't have
to know a damn thing about "Bob" to "get" it.
'
The good news is, he isn't too depressed these days, considering, and he's
off the pills that were supposed to make him normal. AND HE'LL BE
PREACHING AT DRAGON CON IN ATLANTA in JULY!! He did SUPERBLY at last
year's Dragon-Con. This year they aren't spending as much so the Love
Corpses weren't invited, but the preaching line-up will be Janor, Rev.
Susie the Floozie, Dr. K'taden Legume, Papa Joe Mama, me, and probably
Rev. Mike Roe Fone.

I will once again take this opportunity to urge EVERYONE to send him $6
for THE JANOR DEVICE 1.... via:
Janor Hypercleats c/o Hathorn, 8701 Evergreen, Little Rock, AR 72207

No shit, it's a must-have SubGenius classic. I sell 'em too, but you
should buy 'em from him.

i.stang@metronet.com (Reverend Ivan Stang)
>>Ricky@nerix.nerdc.ufl.edu wrote:
>> Is he still trying to make it as a comedian? What's up with him?

> and 2) a 2-hour "Classic SubGenius Devival MOMENTS"
>vid, which would be WILD INDEED and even FUNNY, but requires hours and
>days of viewing and note-taking before even thinking about renting the VHS
>editing suite.)

Folks, if you already have Arise (which is probably the Church's
fastest moving Mind Parasite), then I myself endorse the Club No
New Year's video as a "booster" Mind Leach. It'll suck out any
residual Conspiracy programming and bring your Nental Humours
back into the proper imbalance.

One high point of the Club No New Year video is Janor preaching
the Church of Don to Reverend Stang.

THERE IS NO SLACK. THERE IS ONLY WORK.

> But Janor has
>only minimum wage job skills. He's the most brilliant spouter in the
>world, but he's clumsy with equipment of any kind and just plain doesn't
>fit in in office situations.

Doesn't FIT IT? Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable. You're talking
about Janor who was abducted by a 7-11 that was really a UFO? The
man should be sitting in a BIG OFFICE on MADISON AVENUE! He's a
creative GENIUS who could MAKE A FORTUNE spouting Tidy Bowl commercials.

>The good news is, he isn't too depressed these days, considering, and he's
>off the pills that were supposed to make him normal.

Well THERE'S a real bit of IRONY, isn't it? Here we are talking
about how ABNORMAL we all are and we're all SOOOO non-conformist
all of us. And then comes someone TRULY outside the usual UPS & DOWNS
of Ordinarian Human Brain Chemistry, THEN suddenly we all go
LOWER CASE on the "normal" word.

Well yeah, if he can't get out of bed in the morning without a fist full
of Seritonin Reuptake Inhibitors, then SO WHAT? Everyone has the
right to ChemScape their brain into a totally STYLISH Neck Ordiment.
People can even seek the advice of the Conspiracy Adjustment Police if
that gets them the Pipe Head Look that they're after.

Of course if someone gets to thinking about becoming a Premature
Overman and actually ATTEMPTS FORBIDDEN SURGERY, then they must
be stopped. If they succeed, it wouldn't be fair to the rest of
us. It's bad enough to put up with Philo, but if there were any
MORE Overmen amongst us, then we'd ALL be forced to commit the
Forbidden Body Modifications ourselves.

>I will once again take this opportunity to urge EVERYONE to send him $6
>for THE JANOR DEVICE 1.... via:
>Janor Hypercleats c/o Hathorn, 8701 Evergreen, Little Rock, AR 72207

> and tape decks.
>
> The mind boggles at the rant that would pour forth like molten rock
> from the center of the earth, where dwelleth Shud'Melle.
>
> As soon as lawn mowers and cheap hotel rooms get a Usenet feed, I
> imagine Janor will come to alt.slack.
>
> Until then, we have Zoogz.

No doubt they would make an excellent preaching tag-team, but you're
comparing apples to oranges. Zoogz is not really a very Janorian guy, and
Janor is in no way of a Rift-like nature.

You're right about the lawn-mowers, though. I asked Janor again this
morning about this alleged computer his brother gave him. He thinks it
might be a Macintosh, but it's at the house of his mom. ("Gosh, what a
lovely dress you're wearing today, Mrs. Hypercleats.") I told Janor that
he should go over to his mom's and fuck around with that Mac. I really
heaped it on about how EASY computer programs are to operate, especially
on Macs, how my kids could do it when they were 6, etc. etc. Janor is not
a very technological being and we can but hope that he'll at least give it
a try. For all we know, computers will be the ONE OTHER THING at which
Janor is a true savant.

But if he ever makes it to alt.slack, I warn you: Janor can really dish it
out but he frequently misunderstands teasing. Nenslo did quite an
impressive homage to Janor and no one since has been able to convince
Janor that it wasn't meant to insult and slander him. Of course, Nenslo's
kindest compliments sound like the most unbearable insults. But Janor
should be able to understand that.

If somebody could figure out a way to "market Janor," there'd be enough
money LEFT OVER to make us ALL rich.

But man... until you've had Janor as a house guest... well, I'd better
leave it at that.

But I will say this. If Jesus ever came back, he might be Janor. That's
the horrible irony of it.

> could do it when they were 6, etc. etc. Janor is not a very
> technological being and we can but hope that he'll at least give it
> a try. For all we know, computers will be the ONE OTHER THING at
> which Janor is a true savant.

I still have a standing offer to write out explicit step by step
instructions for him. I'll even talk him through setting it up over the
phone, especially if he has a modem.

And I guess this answers my e-mail question. He's not on yet.

isc> But I will say this. If Jesus ever came back, he might be Janor.
> That's the horrible irony of it.

That'b be a good way to find out who his friends really are. Jesus, I mean.

Having been in a band with Janor for over seven years, I must concur
with Rev. Stang. Janor should dispense with the "written" comedy and
return to his ol' "stanky" God-Tongue "FREE" spouting. I've seen 800
people STRAINING to worship Janor when he FREE-spouted about skull-
farming; I've seen BUTTLoADS of Gorgeous nubiles screaming, "Marry
me, Janor!!!" when he whispered about Them Zombies; I've seen normals
FLEE in abject TERROR when he even THOUGHT about "nine-inch worm
comix", but I've seen him MAJORLY BOMB when he tried doing "written"
material. I've been attempting for YEARS to get Janor back into doing
what he fucking DOES and I have utmost FAITH that he'll get back there
in a day or two. Hell, I'd put Doktors for "Bob" back together in
FIVE FUCKING SECONDS if Janor would just call me up and say, "Hey
Sterno -- GBLEEEEEEGLGHISLDKBMDKSIEJGLSKJGKSLD!!" But, meanwhile,
DO buy his tapes.
Rev. Sternodox

> >
> > And let me add a bit here too. There is no tongue like the unfettered
> >Janor device...If only he would quit TRYING TO BE FUNNY AND JUST BE JANOR!!
> >
> > gg (CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THAT JANOR DEVICE)gordon
>
> Goddamn you, I wish you'd stop filling our newsgroup with hatred and
> mean-spiritedness. We're trying to talk about Billy Joel.
>
> -Joe Newman

As I was saying, there is a story, possibly apocryphal, that just before
Nixon died, Billy Joel "sold" Christie Brinkley to "Bob" so that "Bob"
could "give" her to Nixon (an old friend of Dobbs(!!)) as a "going away
present."

Actually I'm just trying to see if my server is still fucked up and if my
quote button still works.

DO BUY HIS TAPES????? What kind of a pitch is that STERNO.???.
listen out there if you DON'T buy Janor's tapes you are all FUCKING UP ROYALLY!
I have been privileged to be there when the Janor Device is
engaged and going at full throttle and let me say it makes stand-up comedy,
channeling, bulldada and psychobabbling all look like kindergarten stuff.
This man is a fucking (sub) genius, especially when he's not trying to be funny.
If you haven't bought a tape of Janor's then you have merely Fucked Up.
But that could be because of ignorance, BUT NOW YOU HAVE NO FUCKING EXCUSES111
YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD, YOU HAVE BEEN INFORMED, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Dig down in that wallet, pull out your bucks and send them to Janor. If you
don't then this time you are WILLFULLY FUCKING UP!!!
AND THAT MEANS YOU'LL BE RIDING BLOODY STEERAGE WHEN THE SAUCERS
OF THE SEX-GODDESSES COME TO TAKE US AWAY..
BUY BUY BUY BYE BYE.

>listen out there if you DON'T buy Janor's tapes you are all FUCKING UP ROYALLY!

depends on what tape. read on for more...

> I have been privileged to be there when the Janor Device is
>engaged and going at full throttle and let me say it makes stand-up comedy,
>channeling, bulldada and psychobabbling all look like kindergarten stuff.
>This man is a fucking (sub) genius, especially when he's not trying to be
>funny.

see, that's just it... he's a brilliant ranter. and he's got more
hate and strangeness in his little pinkie than most fascists have
in their entire frame. The original Janor Device is a classic
because of the style... Janorian Ranting is a hard thing to emulate.
To spout out DobbsDrone faster than the brain can comprehend or the
ear can hear is an amazing feat. He pulls it off. Janor Device 2
is well worth the money (my favorite) because of the soon-to-be
hit-single "Doktors 4 "Bob" in Outer Space", quite possibly
one of the single-most hilarious pieces of SubGenius bull-dada
on magnetic tape. I dare say, even at the cost of being flamed,
that it's funnier than most of the Hour Of Slack tapes. Sorry,
Stang, if I'm hurting your ego, but you have to admit that that
bit *is* a classic... "20 eyed jumpin' rubber necked catfish
battle of the all jesus bands janor hypercleets show..."

Part 3 is apparently hard to find. Janor, I think, said he lost
the original. I have a really horrible copy, but pieces like
"SubGenius Beach Party", "The Corruption Behind The Corruption",
and of course "Hurt Im Real, Real Bad" are veritable laugh riots.

However, it changes with the shift to his "live" material. The
stuff that he sits down, designs the jokes out on paper, and
reads off of a script. It comes off as being watered-down, lame,
and choked up. Not the same. The man is good at improv. If he
TRIES, he FAILS. That's all there is to it. Janor-ness is not
something that can be contrived or forced. It simple comes
naturally.

>If you haven't bought a tape of Janor's then you have merely Fucked Up.
>But that could be because of ignorance, BUT NOW YOU HAVE NO FUCKING EXCUSES
>YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD, YOU HAVE BEEN INFORMED, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

I would say: Buy the Janor Devices. Especially the first 2. The other
live material is for the Janorian Completist, not the every-day
listener.

About JANOR:
>
> see, that's just it... he's a brilliant ranter. and he's got more
> hate and strangeness in his little pinkie than most fascists have
> in their entire frame. The original Janor Device is a classic
> because of the style... Janorian Ranting is a hard thing to emulate.
> To spout out DobbsDrone faster than the brain can comprehend or the
> ear can hear is an amazing feat. He pulls it off. Janor Device 2
> is well worth the money (my favorite) because of the soon-to-be
> hit-single "Doktors 4 "Bob" in Outer Space", quite possibly
> one of the single-most hilarious pieces of SubGenius bull-dada
> on magnetic tape. I dare say, even at the cost of being flamed,
> that it's funnier than most of the Hour Of Slack tapes. Sorry,
> Stang, if I'm hurting your ego, but you have to admit that that
> bit *is* a classic... "20 eyed jumpin' rubber necked catfish
> battle of the all jesus bands janor hypercleets show..."
>

Well, of COURSE it's funnier than most of the Hour of Slack tapes, and
that's because 1.) it doesn't have to be "fit" for FCC-ruled radio, and
2.) Hour of Slack isn't JUST "funny." You cannot IMAGINE how I PINE to be
able to air the GOOD STUFF... ALL the rancid foul-languaged good stuff. It
isn't just Janor. I have in the vaults here some back-and-forth between
Philo and Sphinx Drummond, say, or between Sterno and Gordon, say, that's
BOWEL-BURSTINGLY HILARIOUS, but the problem is, it's TOTALLY "FILTHY" FROM
ONE END TO THE OTHER. There's a box here labeled "SUBGENIUS FILTH PARTY
TAPES" that desperately needs to be edited, duped to 8-track tapes, and
distributed at truck stops. But I barely keep up with Hour of Slack
editing as it is. (In fact, lately I've had to send out reruns.) Also,
because this stuff is so crudely recorded, it's even more esoteric.

HELL NO it doesn't bruise my ego to say there's something funnier than
Hour of Slack!!

BUT -- just imagine HOW GOD DAMNED FUNNY that show would be WERE THERE NO
FCC!! You'd get not only all the uncut Janor stuff, you'd get all the
uncut OTHER stuff TOO! The best Zoogz Rift and Love Corpses and R-Schwartz
"novelty tunes," etc., Drs. 4 "Bob," Dolemite, Mojo Nixon, you name it.
Plus the road rants, the stuff recorded in cars by the old and new Doktors
that can't be aired now.

I guess I could edit all that stuff for Media Barrage style sale, that and
all the videotape, but I KNOW I must work on the STARK FIST stuff FIRST.

YOUR job, obviously, is to IMMEDIATELY OVERTHROW THE fCC AND ALL "FAMILY
VALUES" BULLSHIT!!! ENTIRELY!!!

Do that, and give me $2,000 a month to live on, and hire me about 3 really
good SubGenius secretaries, and I'll DELIVER that PERFECT SHOW. By Gobbs.

: BUT -- just imagine HOW GOD DAMNED FUNNY that show would be WERE THERE NO
: FCC!! You'd get not only all the uncut Janor stuff, you'd get all the
: uncut OTHER stuff TOO! The best Zoogz Rift and Love Corpses and R-Schwartz
: "novelty tunes," etc., Drs. 4 "Bob," Dolemite, Mojo Nixon, you name it.
: Plus the road rants, the stuff recorded in cars by the old and new Doktors
: that can't be aired now.

Well... OF COURSE. I figured there is *really*... *when it gets right down
to the nitty-gritty*... when it comes down to the *bottom dollar* and the
*last slurpee straw*... only about 10% (if that!) of SubGenii material that
we've heard... For each our of Slack, there is probably 9 more in un-edited
format. That's completely understandable... and rather mind-boggling:
You've come up with something like 450 hours. take that times 10, and you
have 4,500+ hours of pure bull-dada... ALMOST A THIRD THERE FOR THE
REQUIRED 13,013 HOURS OF SUBGENIUS RANTING, ANTI-MUSIC, INSANE PHENONEMA, AND
JUST SLACK-FILLED SOUNDS NEEDED TO FULFILL YET ANOTHER ASPECT OF "THE
DEAL".

Well, that and SEND YOU MORE MATERIAL! N'YES! We must give you all of our
audio cassettes! You must have 13,013 hours worth of subgenius ranting on
magnetic media. your brain must have HEARD IT ALL, so that the X-ists can
extract that information (your brain won't forget it, remember? and only
the best of the yetisyn brains will *really do*, y'know).

So come on, kids! All those songs we sang? Record them! Send them to Stang!
Send $1 for a "listening fee" per tape, and sing into those condenser
microphones, and SEND, SING, AND SEND! Or all may be lost! Stang MUST HEAR
IT ALL!!!!

*whew*! good thing i figured that one out! whoo-boy!

: Do that, and give me $2,000 a month to live on, and hire me about 3 really
: good SubGenius secretaries, and I'll DELIVER that PERFECT SHOW. By Gobbs.

Hmmm... If Dobbs can see so kind as to slap an extra $12,000 a year onto
my salary, I gladly wood, Pappy Stang... Don't think I wouldn't. Hell,
I'd even send you a chocolate soldier... for FREE...

: Personally, I still prefer Janor Device 1 to the others.

My God, the thing over there by the acid pool: it has no face. Aieeeee!