McDonald’s, We Need To Talk About Your Decision To Take Cheeseburgers Out Of Happy Meals

McDonald’s has out of nowhere banned cheeseburger Happy Meals. Since most kids can’t type, I will provide a voice for the voiceless:

NOOOOO!

WHYYYYYYYYYY?!

McDonald’s keeps trying to rebrand itself as healthy restaurant. That it even takes itself seriously enough to call itself a restaurant is ridiculous. They’re so much better than that. McDonald’s, here’s some advice from a lifelong fan:
–Stop with the salads.
–Stop with the apple slices.
–Stick with the fatty, greasy and cheesy foods we expect and love.

Mickey Dees is like your drunk uncle. He’d come over unannounced, and he’d make a huge mess, but he was a lot of fun. At least for the kids. Because you were too young to understand alcoholism. Your parents dreaded his presence, but you loved him.

But now McDonald’s has sent your uncle to rehab and gotten him sober. And, yes, he’s healthier, and not drinking is objectively better for him. But he’s also boring AF. If he comes over at all, the conversation is polite and stiff, and you kind of wish he’d have just stayed home. And that’s what chicken and 2-percent milk instead of a cheeseburger and soda is like.

I get that there are a ton of health-food documentaries on Netflix right now (and shame on you if you watched them). But just because some people want to be healthier, it doesn’t mean we all do.

At least let us keep our McDonald’s the way it’s supposed to be. No matter how hard you try to rebrand yourself, Uncle McDonald’s, it won’t work. The sausage McGriddles has about 2,000 calories in just one sandwich. And what meat is the McRib even made out of? To be honest, I don’t care. Because I love it. And I will eat it. And I won’t regret it.

Which is the whole point. If you go to McDonald’s, you are indulging. You are not trying to be healthy. Just like your fun and drunk uncle wasn’t trying to teach you life lessons. He was trying to get shitfaced at Chuck E. Cheese’s. And you are just trying to enjoy something bad for you. WHICH IS OK.

So McDonald’s took the “happy” out of Happy Meals. Please be sensitive to the fast-food fan community at this time. The Happy Meal is now the Sad Meal. The Depression Meal. The Despair Meal. And my heart goes out to all the young people, and young at heart, who are victims of this heinous injustice.