It was a quiet day in Heaven, and St. Peter sat by the Pearly Gates feeling thoroughly bored. He looked up, and suddenly caught sight of three figures trudging towards him through the thick clouds. The first one came up to him, and St. Peter could see his blue lips and ashen face.

"What happened to you?" asked the saint.

"Well, I got home to my flat early and found my wife in bed, naked and looking very guilty. I caught sight of a pair of hands grasping the rails around our balcony. I was so angry that I rushed out and pounded on the fingers until he let go and crashed into some bushes below. I then pushed our wardrobe over the balcony, and it landed on top of him . . . . . . then I had a heart attack and died."

St. Peter saw that this had been a crime of passion, and let him through. By then, the second man had reached him, wearing only a pair of shorts and covered with cuts and bruises.

"I've no sympathy for you!" said Peter. "That's what happens when you go to bed with another man's wife!"

"What?? No - you've got it all wrong!" replied the man. "It was a sunny day, so I was doing some exercises on my balcony. Suddenly I slipped and fell over the railings. I just managed to grab and hang on to the balcony of the flat below, and then some maniac stomped on my hands and I fell into the shrubbery below. When he saw I was still alive, he dropped a wardrobe on me!"

St. Peter apologised to him, and let him through.

The third man, wearing a smart suit and with a stethoscope round his neck, arrived at the Gates.

"And how did you get here?" asked St. Peter, now thoroughly confused.

"I really don't know . . . " said the man. "I was making a house call on a lady in a block of flats who was in bed with a bad case of 'flu. While I was examining her, someone unlocked the front door. She panicked, told me her husband was bad tempered and very jealous, and before I could say anything, she'd bundled me into a wardrobe . . . . ."

A beautiful fairy godmother appeared one day to an immigrant claimant outside the Social Security Offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes,Since you've just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'

The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!!He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.The refugee claimant now got bolder.'I need a big house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country.I want to bring them all over here.PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

I want to be English with English clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the English.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where's my Visa Gold Card?'

It was a quiet day in Heaven, and St. Peter sat by the Pearly Gates feeling thoroughly bored. He looked up, and suddenly caught sight of three figures trudging towards him through the thick clouds. The first one came up to him, and St. Peter could see his blue lips and ashen face.

"What happened to you?" asked the saint.

"Well, I got home to my flat early and found my wife in bed, naked and looking very guilty. I caught sight of a pair of hands grasping the rails around our balcony. I was so angry that I rushed out and pounded on the fingers until he let go and crashed into some bushes below. I then pushed our wardrobe over the balcony, and it landed on top of him . . . . . . then I had a heart attack and died."

St. Peter saw that this had been a crime of passion, and let him through. By then, the second man had reached him, wearing only a pair of shorts and covered with cuts and bruises.

"I've no sympathy for you!" said Peter. "That's what happens when you go to bed with another man's wife!"

"What?? No - you've got it all wrong!" replied the man. "It was a sunny day, so I was doing some exercises on my balcony. Suddenly I slipped and fell over the railings. I just managed to grab and hang on to the balcony of the flat below, and then some maniac stomped on my hands and I fell into the shrubbery below. When he saw I was still alive, he dropped a wardrobe on me!"

St. Peter apologised to him, and let him through.

The third man, wearing a smart suit and with a stethoscope round his neck, arrived at the Gates.

"And how did you get here?" asked St. Peter, now thoroughly confused.

"I really don't know . . . " said the man. "I was making a house call on a lady in a block of flats who was in bed with a bad case of 'flu. While I was examining her, someone unlocked the front door. She panicked, told me her husband was bad tempered and very jealous, and before I could say anything, she'd bundled me into a wardrobe . . . . ."

A beautiful fairy godmother appeared one day to an immigrant claimant outside the Social Security Offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes,Since you've just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'

The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!!He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.The refugee claimant now got bolder.'I need a big house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country.I want to bring them all over here.PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

I want to be English with English clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the English.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where's my Visa Gold Card?'

David Cameron was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. To the blonde he said, I am the Prime Minister of England . Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?' She replied, £200.' To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was £100. He then asked the redhead... Her reply was,

'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, My panties as low as my wages, Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, And keep it rising like the price of gas, Keep me warmer than it is in my flat and Screw me the way you have retirees, Then you can have it for free, like everything the immigrants get.