I am on the verge of a panic attack right now - haven't seen Roc since Tuesday, so I personally have no idea how he is doing only what the vets are telling me which is extremely hard for me. He is the hospital again tonight and since he has been fairly quiet it was better for me not to see him as that would have upset him and when he gets stressed out he will become very neurological.

His condition worsened this morning and he was very weak from what I have been told. They brought in the head SA vet in the clinic to consult on his case and then I had to wait until 4 pm this afternoon to have a meeting with my vet (intern) and him. I guess after he looked at the initial x-rays he said that both lungs were affected by what appears to be aspiration pneumonia at this stage - which means it is more severe. Also he said the esophagus was also dialated near the lungs which could be a sign of megaesophagus. This afternoon he was a bit better, less weak, but his mucous membranes were still pale, so they wanted to run a hematocrit to check that all out. Since the antibiotics still have not kicked in enough that wanted to keep him overnight tonight to give him more time as it might just be the severity of the pneumonia. They will recheck x-rays in the morning to see if there is a difference in the lungs and also to see if there is in fact megaesophagus. If there is then they would want to test for myasthenia gravis which would be the underlying cause of everything, but as they would have to send the test to the states it could be a few weeks for results. Also if the antibiotics do not kick in soon then a bronchoscopy may be in order to see what kind of bacteria is in the lungs or if it is neoplasia.

So yeah....not sure if any of that makes sense, but I am extremely worried about my little man and I just don't want to lose him.

Beyond emotionally rough day today - almost put my little man to sleep, but just couldn't do it.

Waited all morning for an update with nothing and then checked around noon and the vet was busy. Got a call at 1:30 pm that Roc was having fits (seizures) and was it normal for him to have clusters of them - and that I should come right down to talk with them. So I get down there and the head vet tells me that Roc was not doing very well this morning and then when they went to do the recheck x-rays he started having a seizure. He said that they had not been able to get him to come out of his last seizure with the drugs they were using and that the next step would be to put him into a 24 hour induced anesthesia, but that they did not really have a good drug to do that with and with all of his other issues that might not be a good idea anyhow. So he took me down to see Roc and he was in the midst of a seizure, supposedly had been paddling for awhile - I got down and started talking to him and telling him I was there and to come back from it. And within maybe a minute or so he stopped and started to come back around. I am sitting there holding my dog and the vet, anesthesiologist, and intern are all asking me where I would really go from here - what my next step will be. That they don't really have the right drug for a 24 hr induced sleep and that it might not be fair to put him through that. Then the head vet takes me out of the room to a consult room to talk to me about the realities - pretty much Roc was already doing poorly before he started having seizures - he has aspiration pneumonia, most likely megaesophagus, and may have myasthenia gravis (all of which are treatable), but that combined with the fact that he is now seizuring (keep in mind he has epilepsy and will often sz under times of high stress) means that it might not be fair to him to keep him alive. And he also does not want to continue spending my money when he does not feel it is worth it. So he recommends euthanasia and wants me to consider doing it today. I need time to visit with him - see what his condition really is before making any decisions in that regard and yes if his condition really is that bad then I would consider it.

So I go back to visit with Roc in his cage and I sit with him for a few hours. At first he is a little out of it having just had seizures recently, but he knows who I am and is so darn happy that I am there. As the time goes on he keeps becoming more and more like himself and more mobile. I take him out to their back yard to pee and he runs around. He is attentive and wants food - he responds to me and I can tell all he really wants is to go home and he can't understand why we are still sitting in the darn cage. I am bawling my eyes out a good portion of the time I am there, but as he starts to look more alert and move around I know there is no way I can euthanize him today. I have to give him a chance. For me when you euthanize a dog is when they find no more joy in life - when they don't want to eat, run around, wag their tail - he still has all of that. So I decided that I wanted to treat him at home for his aspiration pneumonia and just see how he does. The intern was not too happy with my decision and said it was against her advice - and that I should at least leave him there, but Roc needs me and I truly believe without me he is not going to get better - just more stressed out and go downhill. They scripted out some oral antibiotics for his pneumonia and I am feeding him canned meatballs for his megaE for now. And depending on how he does we will take recheck x-rays.

I am hoping for a miracle. Who knows - maybe I have just taken him home to have a good last few days with me before having to go back to be pts, but at least then I will know I gave him every chance. I know I will lose him at some point and I know I will never be ready for it. But I know that today if I had euthed him I would have regretted it. He is a fighter and I want to give him a fighting chance (even if it only ends up being a few days), but perhaps he will prove everyone wrong.