Discover what happens after the break-up

Letting Go

Last year this time, a friend of mine got married. I was a groomsmen in his wedding, and Tina accompanied me to the wedding. As we drove down to Hollywood, FL Tina was excited about beginning our life together. She was energetic as she talked about us, and the way we would begin our lives together as husband and wife. I was encouraged at the time, because our talks focused not on the wedding, as so many people do, but on how we would strengthen and build our life together.

Fast forward to today, and the friend that got married last year called to tell me they were having a party for thier 1 year anniversary next week. And I felt like I got sucker punched in the stomach. Most of the day went down hill from there. And I realize or rather confronted, a simple fact I have been avioding. I’m never going to move on as long as I’m convinced that we belong together. As long as I hold on to that belief, I can’t let go. See, I believe we are supposed to be together. And in my world, if something is supoosed to be, then that’s the way it should be. My good friend that is a pastor, however, keeps telling me no not really. Maybe it should be, could be, but that does not necessarily mean it will be. Which does not compute to me. Not in this, and not in anything else either. Sports, politics, business, etc. I look at everything that way. So this is doubly hard for me.

I ask myself, “was I that wrong? Did I miss the mark that much? Was I just P-whipped (I ask the question, but given the infrequency later in the relationship–I doubt it)” My friend says the one thing that makes it worse. “No, you probably did not. All the stuff you saw was probably true.” Huh? Then why are we at this place? His words, “Because what you saw was necessary but not sufficient. Gas in a car is necessary for it to run, but if it has no wheels, it still ain’t going nowhere. She was young, and the lessons or maturity she needed to be a wife, she has not learned yet. And some people never learn them. You might not have been wrong. You can be right and it still not matter. Two years ago the Patriots had the best team in the NFL. They still lost the Superbowl.”

Acceptance of that is my primary block. That makes no sense to be me. But the reality is still the reality. Until I just say and feel I was wrong, and made a mistake. Or accept that the way it should be, don’t mean it will be, I’m stuck. And knowing this in my head, does nothing for me making me do it. How do you do it anyway? Nice intellectual sentiment, but what’s the process. If one of the people that has commented here is right, Markit, then feeling the emotions and just doing the time is the only way. Well, that’s not encouraging. I don’t want to feel like this. But, of course, I’m not special in that regard. No one wants to feel that way. And I’m not even going to get into how I feel when I think that Tina is not having these little philosophical debates with herself. She’s living life, happy and free. The only consolation I have is that I know that can’t last. There are too many assholes in the world for her to start dating and not get burned, or disappointed. But what happens to her, good or bad, has nothing to do with me.

My life is my own. My decisions are now unfettered, and I have to embrace my life and myself in a way that will move me forward. That means letting go of what I believe about how things should be. Yes, I’ve still said my little prayer to the Lord last week about what I want. But my friend reminds me of Eden. Adam and Eve, and the rest of us are really supposed to be there, but we ain’t. Eve and then Adam made different choices. Could God have forced them to do the right thing like puppets on a string? Well, he’s God, so yeah. But he gave us choice, and so we have the ability to just F@#ck up. So even if God acted on my prayer and gave her more signs of where she should be, it don’t mean she’ll act on it.

So what am I gonna do with the only person and mind I can control? I’ll try and put my pride, my belief’s aside, and say it it doesn’t matter. I’m on my own as of today, and I need make decisions based on that, and that alone. And on days where I feel like I got punched in the gut again, I hope you forgive me for waxing sentimental again on those days. But know I am trying.