8/28/12…My Life On Shuffle

I love the shuffle function! I love change. I love not knowing what song will play next. Music keeps me on my toes and the shuffle function helps feed my need for that element of surprise. For the past month or so I’ve been stuck in a rut. When I was in school, taking classes, learning new things, I thought for SURE I had figured out exactly what I was going to do with my life. Then May came, I finished my last class and suddenly all the pressure was on me. Would I pull off my big idea? Would I be able to get this website up and running and make money off of it? AHHH!! All that pressure, fear, and uncertainty ended up getting the best of me. And after a couple of “professional” setbacks (no press pass for the Austin City Limits Festival & the inability to technically further my website), I sort of froze. I have a poor history when it comes to sticking with things. Even as a kid, if I felt like I couldn’t succeed in a certain area (gymnastics, track), I quit. I think that’s why as I watched the Summer Olympics this year I really gained a strong respect for the athletes that took part. These people train for YEARS. They basically dedicate their lives to being the best! And even if they experienced major setbacks & disappointments, they persevered. It was very uplifting and humbling, at the same time, to hear some of their stories. I’m not sure if I have the type of strength that these athletes do to push through and carry out even my deepest desires. I guess I’ve always been a bit confused about what I was supposed to do with my life. And I think that stems from my ability to change and shift from interest to interest without sticking with one thing. Even when I worked in retail and built a career around retail management, I always held the thought in the back of my mind that ‘I’m not supposed to be doing this‘. And that eventually I would find my true calling. And when I burned out of retail and left NYC, that’s when my real journey began. It’s been six years since that all went down and I’m still struggling to make sense of my place in this world. I morph and adapt to my surroundings, always trying to justify the choices I make and the things that I do. Yet, I still haven’t reached my full potential. I still haven’t found my niche. I know I love music. That IS my passion. But…but…but…It’s all so confusing. Whenever I reach this confused place in life, I always look to the past. Nostalgia and reconnecting with the moments and people who shaped my life always seem to help push me forward. I’m in limbo at the moment. I’m like my iPod on shuffle. I’m going from action to inaction, frustration to enthusiasm, past to present, The Beatles to Erykah Badu and never really sticking with one theme. Is my life meant to be a struggle of uncertainty? I’m hoping if I keep adjusting, adapting, and fighting that I’ll figure it out. While I love the variety that this shuffling life has given me, I long to have the stability of a specific genre.