* Elizabeth Wurtzel is getting a boob job. Oh, and she has cancer. But her essay makes it clear that she’s way more focused about moving to a D cup. [Vice]

* Remember when Eric Holder ended the scheme that let federal and local law enforcement divvy up forfeiture proceeds? Well, not so fast my friend. [LFC360]

* Federal judges investigating an extramarital affair between a prosecutor and an ATF agent. Because the only one who’s supposed to get rogered in the criminal justice system is the defendant. [The Florida Times-Union]

* Law school grad wants to pay someone to actually teach him or her how to practice law. Because obviously the last $150K+ didn’t do it. Since this may get taken down, we’ve got a screenshot of the post on the next page. [Craigslist]

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* Macklemore is looking for an intern. Probably going to find a lawsuit instead. [LXBN]

* Now that the Super Bowl is over, Glendale can get back to focusing on how they’re going broke because of that stadium. Once again, publicly funded stadiums are a terrible idea on par with running a quick slant instead of running the best back in football up the gut for one yard. [Americans For Tax Reform]

* Richard Hsu talks to Kelly Perdew, who won the Apprentice back when the show was about finding competent businesspeople instead of helping Jose Canseco squeeze out 15 more minutes of fame. [Hsu Untied]

* Dumb person suing the NFL over its entirely correct (though the rule is pretty stupid) no-catch call in the Cowboys/Packers game. For $88 billion. Oh, because Dez is number 88. I get it. To read the whole hand-written complaint, head to the next page…. [Sports Illustrated]

* The feds charge a bumbling Russian bank employee with trying to spy on America. Viewed in light of the details of the Anna Chapman ring, I think maybe Russia should just give up trying to spy. [Huffington Post]

* College suspends a student for selling video of a campus brawl. School says the sale was a code of conduct violation… though it can’t explain how. [Chronicle of Higher Education]

* The government’s brief in King v. Burwell tries desperately to show that conservatives themselves understood the plain meaning of the Affordable Care Act and anticipated states opting out of creating exchanges. Thankfully, the conservative justices obliged by writing exactly that in their NFIB v. Sebelius dissent. Between this and the marriage equality cases, Justice Scalia is just getting torched by his own dissents. [Talking Points Memo]

* Today’s NS is all about stupid stuff you shouldn’t do. A woman poured hot bacon grease on an ex-boyfriend “because it was time for him to go.” She’s going to spend a couple of years thinking about whether that was the best way of telling him. [The Seattle Times]

* It’s another compilation of “crazy laws” from around the country. Whole bunches of stupid stuff you can’t do. [Slate]

* Republicans swear up and down that the Affordable Care Act only provided subsidies for states that create exchanges. But if that’s the plan, they shouldn’t have left a paper trail of explicitly saying the opposite for years. [The New Republic]

* This editorial must have been so much fun to write. Local newspaper tees off on petty local politician who threatened to sue them for using his name without his permission. Like, in a story about him. Welcome to First Amendment 101, dude. Professor Volokh has some fun commentary. [The Frederick News-Post]

* A new Congress gets down to business today, and they begin by proposing a solution to the biggest issue in America by floating a national abortion ban. Well, they have to talk about something now that Obama’s got the Dow around 18,000. [ThinkProgress]

* Not really legal, but Archer’s back. Holly Anderson talks to the executive producer about this season. [Grantland]

* Harold Hamm’s ex-wife rejected a $974 million check. I just want to know what purchase she wants to make that has her saying, “Eh, I’ve got to pass on that $974 million.” [The Oklahoman]

* Keeping politics out of King v. Burwell is like making a Fast & Furious movie without Vin Diesel. Sure you can do it, but it’s gonna suck. [The New Republic]

* The minds behind the Notorious R.B.G. meme have a book deal! And it’s a Justice Ginsburg biography. Bring it on. [New York Magazine]

* David keeps on touring America talking about Supreme Ambitions (affiliate link) — and also much, much more (including revelations about his personal life). This time it’s an interview with WHYY in Philly. [WHYY]

* Justice Scalia’s audition tape released including “rigorous mock hearings and jurisprudence drills, as well as a cold read from a randomly chosen amicus curiae brief.” [The Onion]

* Jesus, Harvard professors are frigging babies. Now they’re complaining about Obamacare because they have to pay $20 co-pays… like everyone else in the world since seemingly forever. [Lawyers, Guns & Money]

* The Thomas M. Cooley Law School is planning to sell one of its academic buildings for an asking price of $8.15 million. Dear Lord, the school will lose some of its library square footage. NOOOOOOOOO! [Lansing State Journal]

* Contrary to his client’s hit anthem, Pharrell’s lawyer isn’t happy. He says YouTube has been “blithely” ignoring his requests to take down music for which it lacks performance rights, and it may result in a $1B lawsuit. [Hollywood Reporter]

* Clifford Sloan, the State Department’s special envoy on Guantánamo Bay, appointed in 2013 to help shut down the detention center, is returning to the loving arms of Skadden’s partnership on January 1, 2015. Gitmo is still open. Oops. [Am Law Daily]

* After 30 years, the Food and Drug Administration decided to lift its lifetime ban on blood donation for gay men. Now gay men just have to abstain from doing gay things for a year — like having sex with other men — to donate blood. Yay? [WSJ Law Blog]

* If you’ve been wondering what the most ridiculous lawsuits of 2014 are, we’ve got you covered. These are the top 10 most absurd cases filed over the course of the past year. You may remember some of these from our coverage. [Faces of Lawsuit Abuse]

* Bill O’Reilly invites on an “HLS student” — who is also a conservative commentator — to say a bunch of racial codewords under the guise of exam extensions. Look, I wouldn’t ask for an exam extension if my leg were caught in a bear trap, but you know what? I couldn’t care less if other people got extensions. Quit your whining (and appearing on TV) and go study for your own damn self! [Fox News]

* Waiting for bar exam results can be super stressful, and now there’s a scientific study to prove it. The psychologists who conducted the study chose would-be lawyers as subjects since there’s a long waiting period for exam results. Protip: they should’ve chosen the waiting period between graduation and finding a job. [National Law Journal]

* You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why: SantaCon hired a lawyer to come to town. All those protesting the annual event will get a lump of coal in their stockings from hundreds of drunk Santas. [NJ.com]

* “We’re quite pessimistic. The operational, legal and political challenges here are immense.” If — or perhaps more likely, when — SCOTUS abolishes Obamacare’s federal tax credits, the law will spin into a “dreaded death spiral.” [Talking Points Memo]

* Per the latest Citi Private Bank report, the legal market seems to be stabilizing. Yay! Litigators might cry, though, because transactional law is on the rise, and litigation is on the decline (and may be through 2016 and beyond). Oh no, boo! [Am Law Daily]

* Call your bookie, because Adam Silver, the commissioner of the NBA (who just so happens to be a former litigation associate from Cravath), would like everyone to know that he thinks sports betting should legalized. [DealBook / New York Times]

* We know all about the ridiculous lawyer with three Harvard degrees who is apparently considering suing a mom-and-pop Chinese restaurant over a $4 overcharge. We’ll have more on this absolute absurdity later. [Boston.com]

* An English court ruled that a girl with fetal alcohol spectrum disorder couldn’t be awarded damages against her mother because the harm occurred in utero. Remember folks, the unborn aren’t people, only corporations are. [Daily Beast]

* You think you had a ritzy Thanksgiving dinner? Well, some jackholes somewhere spent $35,000 for a Thanksgiving dinner devoted to conspicuous consumption in a world of inequity. [Daily Kos]

* Shearman & Sterling’s Richard Hsu continues his wonderful podcast on the lives of lawyers, this week chatting with Sean Patrick Butler, Sr. Corporate Counsel at Cisco, about Butler’s decision to live two hours away from San Francisco to live the rural life. [Hsu Untied]

* This guy is compiling stats on bar exam testing patterns. He’s got some California data up already. Perhaps with some reader contributions, he can get widespread coverage. [Bar Exam Stats]

* When it comes to legal scholarship, women are earning more citations than men according to one study. There are a lot of caveats to be had, but it looks like the law has one, finite area where the gender gap is narrow. [TaxProf Blog]

* One-third of lawyers are taking on more pro bono work these days. Good for them. [Robert Half Legal]

* Don’t overdo it when you go about “thinking like a lawyer.” [Law and More]

* The long-running, racist soap opera in Manhattan state court takes a new turn. After playing a key role in the events that led to the ouster of the top aide to the New York County Clerk, Justice Milton Tingling has applied to be the new New York County Clerk. [WiseLaw NY]

* In light of Speaker Boehner’s new lawsuit over Obamacare, this is a good time to look back at this interview with Laurence Tribe evaluating Boehner’s chances. [Coverage Opinions]

* When Loretta Lynch still worked at Hogan & Hartson (now known as Hogan Lovells thanks to a merger), her colleagues described her as a warm person without “a political bone in her body.” That said, best of luck to her in D.C. [National Law Journal]

* The D.C. Circuit upheld the Affordable Care Act’s contraceptive opt-out plan for religious employers, but since “[t]he court is wrong,” we can count on a at least a few organizations that’ll refuse to comply. Gee, thanks a lot, Obama. [WSJ Law Blog]

* Some call the latest Biglaw tie-up “law-firm Darwinism,” but hey, “[i]t’s not like [Bingham’s] a wounded gazelle and we are pouncing on them,” says a too coy Morgan Lewis lawyer. [Philadelphia Inquirer]

* Fashion law may be a $985 billion global industry, but only five law school courses on the topic exist in the U.S. Why? “There’s no defensible reason except that fashion is perceived as a frivolous subject.” [AFP]

* This woman plans to appeal a $1 billion divorce settlement award because it’s not “fair and equitable.” In her defense, she did get a very small percentage of her ex-husband’s multibillion-dollar wealth. [People]

* Wage and hour laws have never been so sexy: Thanks to this court ruling, Rick’s Cabaret is going to have to make it rain on thousands of strippers to the tune of more than $10 million. [New York Times]