Posts Tagged ‘divorce’

I think it is remarkable that within a week of Tiger Woods crashing his Escalade, the press found most (not all) of the women with whom Tiger has had an affair with in the last few years, with photos, text messages, recorded phone calls, etc. etc. etc. AND, they not only knew the cause of the family fight, but they even knew it was a wedge from his golf bag that his wife used to breakout the windows (and his head) in the Escalade. Not only that, they knew which wedge! And each and every day, they gave America more updates on his sex-rehab stay, his wife’s plans for divorce, and the dates and tournaments he will play in.

OBAMA has been in office for over a year now, and this same press:

1) still cannot find any of his childhood friends or neighbors

2) or locate any of Obama’s college papers or grades

3) or how he paid for a Harvard education

4) or which country issued his visa to travel to Pakistan in the 1980’s

YET THE PUBLIC STILL TRUSTS THAT SAME PRESS TO GIVE THEM THE WHOLE TRUTH!

TRULY REMARKABLE!!!

Not really, what’s amazingly remarkable is, those that believe the press, are your friends, relatives and, immediate family members. And, what’s truly remarkable is that there are those of us that haven’t, nor will ever forget their traitorous treachery.

We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce…. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.

We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values… You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClaine. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We’ll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute Imagine, I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kumbaya or We Are the World.

We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, “In the lake.”
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was ‘Always’.

12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”

Can’t you just hear him say all of these?

I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn’t have to start with a four letter word.

It was just clean and simple fun.And he always ended his programs with the words,“And May God Bless” with a big smile on his face.