SAT drops scoring system, will award all students participation trophies

U.S.—In a move to lower educational standards even further, the College Board announced Wednesday the organization would be eliminating the scoring system from the SAT exams and replacing any kind of objective scoring with the awarding of participation trophies.

Students taking the test will no longer receive a traditional numerical score and will instead receive a trophy indicating they participated in the exam.

“Upon completion of the exam, whether they answered any questions correctly or not, students will get a gold ‘You Tried!’ sticker and a trophy,” said a College Board representative. “We can’t guarantee this will help prepare your kids for a future career, but it definitely will help them feel good about themselves.”

“That’s what education’s all about, after all,” he added.

Test proctors will roam the room and pat kids on the back throughout the exam, saying things like, “Great job answering ‘C’ on every question there, sport!” and “That’s an amazing drawing of an X-Wing you made all over the page. You’re a special kid, Johnny!”

At publishing time, sources had also confirmed students who take the SAT will be given a juice box and some orange slices.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, November 8th, 2018 at 8:02 am and is filed under circus of life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
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It does sound like The Onion–we used to take the SATs and it mattered to higher schooling and all, and if you got 1250 total you got into MENSA automatically. They have changed it since then to some degree and I lost all interest pretty much as soon as I got to college!

Any place that would take ME as a member is automatically suspect. So I qualified, so what? It doesn’t make me any smarter or dumber, and I could care less about my SAT score. It just means I can take tests.

The crazier things get, the more challenging it gets to do satire. The satire sites I steal from on a regular basis — Babylon Bee, Duffel Blog, Onion, etc. — are always getting fact-checked and vigorously de-bunked by people who aren’t aware that they’re satire sites. (I used to try to do satire myself, but reality kept catching up with me. I look at some of my old satire pieces and just shake my head, because they ended up being more prophetic than satiric.)

Dumbing down seems to have become an American tradition. Some schools have now discontinued teaching cursive writing. I suppose it’s because tweeting doesn’t require it. People who find cursive letters written by ancestors will have to hire translators. 😦 — Suzanne

Is this for real? I thought education was preparing students for life, not giving them unreal expectations of what it’s all about. How will they cope when their boss tells them something they’ve done, or suggested, is not good enough?