Thursday, July 26, 2007

duality part 2

Previously, I had explored duality in the world. Today I revisit the topic regarding myself. I have been feeling torn about my future - no one is hiring me to teach my own classes (Stu wonders if they've been reading my blog, but geez, it's not like I'm looking for Mr. Goodbar on here), and I am becoming ambivalent about substituting. I even shredded the SIGN AND RETURN THIS OR NEVER BE CALLED AGAIN! form from one district. It felt good. I focused on the feeling of liberation rather than the sound of hundreds of dollars per month being cut into tiny pieces. I am irritated that I apparently made myself too expensive by earning a MEd while staying home with my children. (Silly me, I considered it a GOOD thing to advance my education). Or, alternately, they just don't like me. Huh. That seems crazy and highly unlikely. Impossible even, wouldn't you say?

So anyway, here's the duality part - I so love teaching, but I also love when I'm not.

When I get to a school, I am nervous but inspired about the day. Not knowing how something is going to go normally makes me wiggly (in an unfun way), but somehow in the classroom it feels alright. I look forward to amazing everyone (okay, not everyone - they are teenagers) with my ability to memorize names within 10 minutes. (I'm actually really excited about doing that party trick at BlogHer next year, too - just you wait!) And it is a joyous thing to be involved with growing brains and broadening horizons. Thinking about putting together my own classroom again makes me giddy, fervent, vibrant - because I genuinely enjoy sharing myself and my knowledge, creativity, compassion, understanding, my general joie de vivre (though I don't dare teach French) with adolescents. This is not to say I don't enjoy smaller children (like my own), but I am definitely a better educator with the crowd that gets sarcasm and won't burst into tears when I use my teacher voice.

But really, my favorite mornings are when I prepare my kids breakfast, put lunches together, make Stu's coffee, read Harry Potter before the bus comes. It makes me happy to wave at them from the porch. I love having whole days to do laundry (totally serious) and write stuff, read stuff, make cards out of my photos. I enjoy grocery shopping, especially for frozen foods; I could spend all day in that aisle...(Kidding, darling husband who is planning a trip for my 40th birthday next year. Love you!). I really like when I can tidy the house and leisurely put together a decent - maybe even delectable! - dinner. And it feels good to be involved at my kids' school, even though it is a haven of those small people I sometimes scare. I try to think of them as sweet little Hobbits and it's fine.

I feel sad about the prospect of letting go of my Teacher self. Yet I like the idea of being a real writer, who makes time to actually write regularly and sometimes *gasp* gets paid for it. I'm still hoping for the perfect blend of teaching a couple of classes then having the rest of the day to write, take pictures, plan meals around frozen items...Stay tuned.