Cant stop thinking how pointless dating is (even though sometimes I want to)

Hi,

So i'm 21 years old and I have never actually dated someone for a longer period than a month before.
At this age I feel like I have more important stuff on my mind (Finishing College and settling in).
I'm not very active socially and would prefer to be alone most of the time but sometimes I get the feeling of having someone around me to help me at stressful situations. Once in a while I get an emotional distress that makes me think I'm weird that I haven't dated anyone .

Every now and then I do get a chance with random girls (from work or mutual friends) and I do love to talk to them over social media but when it comes to the point of dating or just meeting up (just us), I always either back out or start to slowly kill our relationship. This of course ends our friendship and we just move on with our lives. This has happened to me numerous times before and I'm kind of getting sick of it.

I overall feel like dating is just another task for me to maintain in life but without dating I'm slowly losing my mind.

I would love to hear your opinions on the matter just to see what I'm doing wrong and would love to clarify any questions that you guys have.
I usually wouldn't come to a forum with my problems but I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this, so the forums are my only option lol

Well, there could be a lot of reasons why you haven't had a long-lasting relationship. You might be a loner. You just might be busy. You might not know any girls who are interesting. You could be immature. You're not in touch with your own feelings. You might have trust issues. You might be afraid to let someone get too close to you. You're only 21, so you have a long way to go to figure things out.

Do you actually have any girl friends, that is girls you know, that you hang out with, and that you like talking to? Instead of just dating random people, you might want to focus on someone who you already know and can take a friendship to a higher level.

You might also think about talking with someone about this. Most schools have a psych services department or counselors you can talk to. Students can feel disconnected to the world and they can usually help.

Well, there could be a lot of reasons why you haven't had a long-lasting relationship. You might be a loner. You just might be busy. You might not know any girls who are interesting. You could be immature. You're not in touch with your own feelings. You might have trust issues. You might be afraid to let someone get too close to you. You're only 21, so you have a long way to go to figure things out.

Do you actually have any girl friends, that is girls you know, that you hang out with, and that you like talking to? Instead of just dating random people, you might want to focus on someone who you already know and can take a friendship to a higher level.

You might also think about talking with someone about this. Most schools have a psych services department or counselors you can talk to. Students can feel disconnected to the world and they can usually help.

Thank you for offering the idea of talking to a school psych, I totally forgot that's an option.

Yes, I do have friends that are girls but I don't find most of them attractive at all so I just talk to them like I would talk to my guy friends.
The ones I do find attractive I just try to put that feeling aside and just talk to them normally without being weird about my attraction to them.
I have had situations before when pretty girls from my friends group wanted for us to go on a date but even if we ended up going on a date, I know I would need to talk and treat them differently and its hard for me to do so and not be weird about it.

Girls usually just get frustrated with me not making any moves and just move on and its been like this for a long while now.

Originally Posted by DancingFool

What's your fear of meeting up in real life?

Dating isn't pointless, but you seem to have some serious issues when it comes to in person socializing. Start with fixing that.

I do have friends and I used to go out a lot during the summer so I don't feel like I have person socializing issues. The issue I do have is that I do not know how to act on dates. It's one thing to go out with a bunch of friends (girls and guys) but for some reason its a completely a different thing to go on a "1 on 1" meeting.
When I did go out with friends I usually tended to join convos that had either just guys in them or a mix of guys & girls but never when it was just girls talking.
I don't think I fear girls but for some reason its a lot harder for me to speak to them. Like i said before, some girls from the group of friends actually wanted to go on a date with me but I had to reject and make it awkward.

And its especially hard when I barely know the girls (like the girls from work) and I really don't want to mess up a date because I know it will stop me from going on future dates.

You are overthinking it. Girls are just people, like you. When you go on a date with someone you're interested in getting to know, you may be nervous but you'll be ideally interested in what she has to say about things. Dating one-on-one with a girl is just getting to know her more. Maybe you're in a different culture than I am but I am used to the idea that people don't really need to act differently on a date than they would in a group. A date just gives the two people a chance to focus on getting to know one another better, or give one another undivided attention that wouldn't be possible in a group. If you're really nervous, try to do dates where you're not just sitting across from one another talking. Instead do something fun with built-in conversation starters, like a zoo, or an arcade or something.

Also, you don't HAVE to date if you don't enjoy it. You can hang out casually with girls you're friends with until someone strikes your interest more. I think it's a good idea to practice socializing on dates, even when you're uncomfortable, because it actually helps you get to know yourself better: what you like and don't like, what you're willing to compromise on, etc. You can think about it that way, too. It's not just about impressing her and making sure you get a second date. It's also about you having a good time, too. Just be polite and a gentleman, listen and be patient and attentive. If you don't end up liking her, you don't have to keep dating her.

Also, it's OK to go on dates with someone you like but are not super-duper attracted to. That's not stringing them along if you keep the date casual (jeans, during the day, doing something fun and active like playing tennis or going for a run) They may not feel technically like dates but it could deepen your relationship.

When I was a teenager I felt like you, but you are getting a little old to feel this anxious about it.

I sometimes get performance anxiety on dates too.... either don't care enough, or care too much, about the outcome of the date, or get awkward because . I tend to be at my best when I look forward to the idea of meeting the person and getting to know them vs. what the outcome might be. We can't always control what the other person thinks of us but we can be in control of how we want to be perceived.

Try building friendships with women... spending time doing activities with them and getting to know them will help you feel more comfortable talking to them in general.

I've always had similar inner setbacks with dating. It's led to me being in my mid thirties and still with not a single girlfriend in the past, present or foreseeable future. I've always struggled with motivation to improve both myself as a man and my efforts to put myself out there. Even the prospect of dying a perpetually lonely man hasn't sprung me into action to sorting my sh*t out.

I wish that I could give you some advice but I'm probably the last person that you ought to get advice from... Except to present you as an example of someone you don't want to end up as - Living your entire young adulthood (and most likely beyond) without even a single girlfriend. My only advice is that if you don't want to end up living a life without any meaningful relationship with a woman, it will be a lot easier and better for you if you can resolve whatever is holding you back now while you're still relatively young!