What's with the Roman numerals?

If you know nothing else about the Super Bowl, you must know the Roman numerals.

This weekend's game (appropriately enough, at the Superdome in New Orleans) is Super Bowl XLVII. It will be followed next year by Super Bowl XLVIII, and then by Super Bowl XLIX, and finally, by Super Bowl L, where everybody will be self-conscious because it will feel like we're stuttering.

No other sporting event uses Roman numerals. Major League Baseball does not claim to have just completed World Series CVIII. The most traditional of events – the World Cup, Wimbledon, The Masters – get by without Roman numerals. Heck, even movie sequels have dropped that convention after the confusion that occurred in 1992 when Spike Lee made "Malcolm X" and viewers wondered why they hadn't seen the first nine films in the series.

But the Super Bowl uses the Roman numerals as a way of lending an air of importance to the proceedings. (The league poobahs felt they needed this added sense of gravitas to make up for the fact that their championship game was named after a tiny rubber ball that bounces really high when you hurl it at the ground.) The Roman numerals say: This isn't just a game. This is a Cultural Event.

A two-week party

And it's true. The actual football game is a mere trifle within the overall scope of the Super Bowl. This is basically a two-week party that happens to coincide with a three-hour athletic event, a grandiose exercise in reality TV in which hundreds of cameramen follow a few dozen guys around for several days asking them inane and repetitive questions to see who reaches a breaking point first.

This is the one day all year — the only day, really — when you hear people shout from the living room, "Hurry back, dear, the commercials are about to come on!"

Alicia Keys will sing the national anthem before the game, and if you truly want to get into the spirit of the occasion you can place a bet in Vegas on how long her anthem will take. We are not making that up. The over-under is 2 minutes, 10 seconds. Beyonce will be performing at halftime. It is expected to be an energetic show, all the more intriguing to viewers since she almost caused the nation's infrastructure to collapse last week when she chose to lip-synch her "Star-Spangled Banner" at the inauguration.

Joe, Jim, Ray & Colin

This brings us to the game itself. It is important to know that every Super Bowl must have "storylines." Other sporting events don't have storylines, but then, they don't have to fill two weeks worth of round-the-clock media reports.

For example, in case you have been in a sensory deprivation chamber for the past two weeks, you already know that the two head coaches are brothers. John Harbaugh coaches the Baltimore Ravens and Jim Harbaugh coaches the San Francisco 49ers. In order to get the "exclusive story," the nation's media descended upon the Harbaughs' unsuspecting parents. By the time the frenzy abated, Mama and Papa Harbaugh had been asked "Who are you rooting for?" so many times that they are reportedly considering skipping the game altogether and instead staying home and watching a "Law & Order" marathon.

The key player to know for the Ravens is linebacker Ray Lewis. He's easy to recognize because he is the only player who looks like he had his eyeblack applied by Picasso. Lewis is famous for inspiring his teammates with exuberant pregame pep talks that are more known for their enthusiasm than for their coherence (sort of like Laurence Olivier's speech at the 1979 Oscars, only louder). This will be the last game of Lewis' great career, and the team's training staff is on high alert with smelling salts and paper sacks in case he hyperventilates during his pregame spiel.

Earlier this week, a story broke in the national media accusing Lewis of using a banned substance to recover more quickly from an injury. The banned substance? An extract taken from deer antlers. Lewis categorically denied that he had ever sprayed deer antler goo under his tongue, and in an effort to head off future controversies, he added that he had never ingested anything made from goat horns, llama snouts or the hooves of any ungulate mammals.

The most noteworthy player for San Francisco is quarterback Colin Kaepernick. He started the season as an anonymous backup but stepped up at midseason when the 49ers' starter got injured. Kaepernick became an overnight sensation, in part because of his thrilling athletic ability and in part because he has tattooed his entire upper body in an apparent attempt to look like a living, breathing replica of the Dead Sea Scrolls.

Let Tyrod play!

Finally, there is our local connection this year: Baltimore's backup quarterback, Tyrod Taylor of Hampton High School. Barring injuries, trick plays or unexpected last-second rule changes, he is not expected to get into the game, but we can hope.

The game will most likely wrap up sometime between 10-11 p.m., and then the planning begins.