I'm just here to better myself as a person.

“You’d think death would be bad enough.”

I love this country. Only in America do guns have more rights than humans and women are considered equal with farm animals by some of our elected officials. We also have some wacky laws –many of them in my home state of Illinois. Let’s take a look at a few shall we?

Illinois is a land of Lincoln and of weird laws. The one below is no different. Thanks to my good friend Samantha Abernethy at The Chicagoist for giving this story life.

Wait for it …

Illinois Lawmakers Push To Outlaw Sex With Corpses

I’ll give you a moment to let that headline wash over you, and clean up the vomit you spewed all over your MacBook.

“It’s the law you didn’t know you needed. The Illinois House voted unanimously to outlaw sex with corpses and to make it illegal to move a corpse. If the bill passes, sex with a corpse would be a Class 2 felony with a maximum sentence of seven years in jail. Moving a corpse would be a Class 4 felony with a maximum punishment of three years in jail.

State Rep. Daniel Beiser (D-Alton) is sponsoring the legislation and says, “It’s all out of respect for the deceased.” Apparently there is no law explicitly banning having sex with a corpse and currently prosecutors charge offenders with “criminal damage to property.”

“When you think of that, you think of someone going … breaking a mailbox or something similar,” Beiser told Illinois Statehouse News. “We obviously understand that isn’t adequate, that anybody who abuses or mishandles a deceased just demeans the meaning of that person’s life.”

Expect the all powerful corpse-fucking lobby to fight this hard.”

Have we humans fallen so far on the stupid scale that we need to be told it’s really really bad to make secksy time with a dead person? Is the only way someone can get a chubby is by porking a body riddled with rigor mortis? How did humanity get to this point? Where and when in our genetic timeline did some synapses misfire and it became a biological urge to schtup someone’s dead meemaw or peepaw?

We need laws in order to catch fish, or to tell us when it is acceptable to water our lawns.

Fine.

But do we really need to be told it’s a big bowl of wrong to screw the dead?

I’m flummoxed.

I’ll leave you with Sam Kinison’s take.

And a personal note to Ms. Abernethy — congrats on the best kicker ever. <golf clap>