Billion Mile Secrets Lands, Gives You Free Stuff

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Update 12-26: Thank you to everyone who entered our contest. Congratulations to commenter Cat, who won a free United Club pass, and to Fred Sobotka, whose tweet won the $50 Amex gift card!

Apologies to folks who saw this post earlier – it was posted earlier than intended!

Note: Billion Mile Secrets is satire and you shouldn’t follow any of Points Envy’s suggestions, nor should you break the law. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental.

Greetings Million Mile Secrets readers and future Points Envy stalkers! Christmas comes early this year, as we are thrilled to announce the arrival of Billion Mile Secrets, an exciting new weekly column here at Million Mile Secrets written by the award-winning bloggers at Points Envy. Think of us as hired guns, paid in points and alcohol to protect your points balances from the inferior earning and redemption strategies of other points blogs.

For a more personal view into the lives of Points Envy, we point you to our incomparable interview with Million Mile Secrets. And to get to know us even better, you can follow us on Twitter. Now is a particularly opportune time to start following us because we are hosting a contest in celebration of the arrival of Billion Mile Secrets!

To enter, all you need to do is let us know what you love most about Points Envy. Simply comment on this post or follow us on Twitter and mention us in a tweet with the hashtag #BillionMileSecrets. The best comment will earn a United Club pass and the best tweet will be rewarded with a $50 American Express gift card.

The contest closes this Saturday at midnight PST, and we will announce the winners in next week’s post.

Of course, we didn’t start this revolutionary undertaking with Daraius and Emily just to give away free stuff, highlight our greatness, and inform you of the irresponsibly luxurious lifestyle we lead for next to nothing. In future posts we also plan on giving you just the tips you need to have you swimming in miles in no time, like the Scrooge McDuck of the points world.

As masters of human emotion, we are well aware that the foregoing poetic points talk has gotten you more worked up than that dream you had where Deltalina softly whispered into your ear that your upgrade had cleared. So as to avoid the moniker “Prudes Envy,” below we take you on a points-earning journey that provides a little glimpse into how some of the sausage is made over at Points Envy.

Although we are not attorneys, at least not in the technical sense, we realized early on in life that the terms of a contract can literally mean life or death, especially when hiring an assassin or entering into a suicide pact. Having learned from our friends’ mistakes, years ago Points Envy crafted a small provision that we now slyly insert into every contract we sign once the principal terms have been settled, usually in the middle of some long paragraph of boilerplate language. The Points Envy ClauseTM states:

Notwithstanding any provision of this agreement or any other agreement in G-d’s Great Universe or any other universe, [Party Name] hereby irrevocably transfers to Points Envy all ownership interest and any other rights he has with respect to all airline miles, credit card points, and every other type of unit of value in a reward program of any kind, [Party Name] having received due consideration for such interest in the form of Points Envy’s presence.

While this strategy can be hit or miss, we’ve had a decent amount of success. Over the past four years, inserting the Points Envy ClauseTM into our employment contracts and rental agreements has netted us over 14 million points and miles. We recently had our biggest payday yet when Daraius and Emily signed an agreement with us regarding this Billion Mile Secrets column. Unbeknownst to them until the publishing of this very post, all of their points and miles are belong to us.

Don’t feel too sorry for them though; they just got back from an extended honeymoon in Bora Bora. More importantly, as long as they continue to read Billion Mile Secrets, we’re confident they’ll build those balances back up in no time.

Stay tuned for next week’s column, in which we’ll announce the winners of the Billion Mile Secrets contest and also divulge a secret that is literally guaranteed* to earn you billions of miles. Cheers!

*Said secret is not literally or otherwise guaranteed to earn you any points or miles at all, nor is there any guarantee that we will divulge said secret next week or that said secret even exists, though if said secret did exist Points Envy would certainly be familiar with said secret but would likely not divulge said secret in this column or via any other medium, except perhaps a secret FlyerTalk forum that may or may not already exist and may or may not contain said secret.

* If you liked this post, why don’t you join the 8,000+ readers who have signed-up to receive free blog posts via email (only 1 email per day!) or in a RSS reader …because then you’ll never miss another episode of Billion Mile Secrets!

These responses are not provided or commissioned by the bank advertiser. Responses have not been reviewed, approved or otherwise endorsed by the bank advertiser. It is not the bank advertiser's responsibility to ensure all posts and/or questions are answered.

What I love most about Points Envy is they finally made me clean my computer monitor. However, I’m not too pleased that they keep making me laugh so hard that I spit out my Louis XIII drink all over my monitor to begin with.

I love they offer the prize for commenting on the post, tweeting and/or sleeping with them, leaving no instructions for the latter.
Maybe too much champagne is impairing their decision making outside of miles and points?

The question is what not to love about all Billion miles and Point Envy., spend as normal, gain points/miles/cash back, smarter shopping, build better credit, and best of all travel for super cheap and treated like kings with our elites status. BAM done done rise and repeat.

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