How to Feel Sexy This Year

Are you looking for ways to feel sexy (or at least sexier!) this year?

For many of us, feeling sexy is just about the last thing on our minds most of the time! Almost everything about married women’s lives in the 21st century seems designed to ensure that fact – from media messages to busyness to financial stress to fatigue. The goal of feeling sexier this year just doesn’t seem realistic.

But it shouldn’t be that way! Feeling sexy and enjoying sex with our husbands should be one of the greatest joys of our lives. But that’s not the case for many women.

If it’s not the case for you, decide to take a step-by-step approach to making changes, in order to feel sexier this year. No one goes from feeling like frumpy, tired mom to sexy, energetic wife in a single step! It’s a process, but one that can result in big changes over time.

5 Simple Ways to Feel Sexy this Year

If you want to start working through that process – here are 5 ideas for getting started, simple things you can do to begin to feel sexier this year:

• Remember that knowledge is power. Although we live in a sex-saturated culture, sometimes we don’t have all the information we need to feel sexy and really enjoy sex. And sometimes, the information we have is just plain wrong. If you think that may be the case for you, consider focusing first on learning more about sexuality or intimacy or sex within marriage.

Because sometimes, a little bit of new information can be a very good thing! Like when I realized that I was perfectly normal, even though my typical sexual response is completely different from my husband’s. Yeah, that was a game changer for me, because when I thought that my sexuality was “wrong” or “broken,” it was very difficult to feel sexy!

Maybe for you it would be helpful to know how stress and fatigue affect libido, and what to do about it. Or to understand how hormonal contraception might be affecting your libido. Or any of 100 other little facts and tips that can turn on a “light bulb” in your brain – and body. If you think that learning something new might be a good place for you to start, check out the books and blogs on the Sex and Marriage Resources page.

• Get involved with sex-positive resources. The number of resources now available to married women who want to enhance their sexuality boggles the mind! Our mothers had very little to help them, and our grandmothers had almost nothing, but we have more than we can manage. Perhaps your first step could be to start reading and following a sex-positive blog or two. Or to follow the Facebook pages or Twitter accounts of those blogs, and get involved in their comments and conversations. I’ve learned so much from the women who created those resources, and they’ve helped me develop a sex-positive attitude in my marriage.

Or, if you have women friends who are open to talking about or studying sex and intimacy, get together with them and encourage each other. Also, check out this new sex podcast for married women. I’m honored to be a part of it with three awesome Christian marriage bloggers. We’re sitting around the “table” (albeit we live in four different states) and chatting about sex topics of interest to married women.

• Learn to love your body. Many women don’t feel sexy because they don’t feel beautiful – in fact, they feel extremely negative about their bodies. Our culture contributes to these negative feelings, but we often feed them. Perhaps you need to focus on learning to feel good about your body or choosing to be beautiful. (I certainly do!)

This could involve identifying and playing up your best physical features, standing up straight and walking with confidence (remember – confidence is very attractive), starting an exercise program, losing some weight, wearing clothes that flatter you, or anything else that helps you feel more confident and sexy. And check out J. Parker’s series on real beauty at Hot, Holy and Humorous – it’s very uplifting and encouraging.

• Find your libido. Many women think they’ve lost their libido, or believe they never had one in the first place. In most cases, though, it’s not lost or missing – it’s buried under a lot of stuff. Some of that stuff, like busyness and fatigue, is fairly easy to address and some of it, like childhood sexual abuse or serious marriage problems, is not. (If you’re dealing with serious issues that affect your sexuality, please seek professional help to deal with them.)

If your libido has “gone missing,” you may want to take steps to find it this year. Consider the ways that slowing down, relaxing a bit, and taking some time to enjoy your life might help you reduce stress and reconnect with your libido. Try things that have helped other women, such as exercising regularly or trying essential oils that may enhance sexuality. A great resource is my friend Bonny’s blog, Pearl’s Oyster Bed, which focuses solely on helping low-libido wives renew their interest in sex and intimacy. And Sheila Gregoire has created an entire online course (affiliate link), Boost Your Libido, which is a fantastic resource for finding and increasing your libido.

• Talk about it. Talk about sex? Who wants to do that? Yes, conversations about sex can be difficult, and nobody wants to have difficult conversations. But if a lack of sex and intimacy is an issue in your marriage, it may be time to start talking. Perhaps your first step could be something simple, like reading an article and sharing it with your husband. Or simply sharing with him that you’re frustrated and want to work on sex and intimacy in your marriage, but aren’t sure where to begin.

Or maybe you know of something that’s blocking your feelings of intimacy or ability to enjoy sex with him, and you need to bring it up. (I’ve been there. It isn’t fun, and sometimes you have to bring it up more than once. But it’s worth it.) If communication about sex is an issue, consider planning and taking some steps (one at a time) to open up the conversation.

Take action. Sometimes the best way to move forward is to move gradually out of our comfort zones. Very often, it just takes a little bit of action to help us move from feeling neutral (or even negative) about sex and intimacy, to feeling very, very positive! If your approach to sex is always to wait and react to your husband,it may be time to take some small steps yourself.

Like flirting with him or sending him suggestive texts or emails. Or creating a sexy mood, with lighting, scents, food or wine. Or breaking out the lingerie – not the scratchy, ridiculous stuff, but something that makes you feel sexy. Or planning a romantic activity for the two of you. Or initiating sex once in a while. Or – and this may be the most important step of all – making some time and space in your life in which to create a meaningful sex life in your marriage. And be sure to check out these 30 simple ideas for feeling sexier and enjoying your marriage more this year.

Are you thinking about taking steps to feel sexier this year? If so, what’s the first step you plan to take? Please share your thoughts in the Comments – I would love to hear from you.

(Important note: If you have significant physical or emotional health issues related to sex and intimacy, please seek the help of a physician and/or professional counselor. Also, the ideas included in this article (and the links) are intended to encourage women in reasonably healthy marriages. If you’re in a difficult or unhealthy marriage, they won’t be helpful to you. If that’s the case, please seek professional help in your community. And if you’re in a physically or emotionally abusive marriage, please contact a domestic violence organization or law enforcement agency in your community. Abuse is never the fault of the person being abused, and working on your sex life will never improve an abusive marriage.)

If you’re looking for a way to go more in depth on this topic, Sheila Gregoire of To Love, Honor and Vacuum has created an excellent 10-session video course – Boost Your Libido– for women who feel like their sensual side is lost or completely missing in action. It includes videos, an ebook, worksheets, and lots of additional resources. The cost is $39, and it’s well worth the investment if you really want to make progress in this area. I’m an affiliate for the course, which means that I’ll receive a commission if you purchase it through this link. But I’m recommending it because I think it’s a great program. I bought a copy myself and am working my way through it.

Comments

Great advice Gaye! We owe it to our families to be happy in our marriage. I think we so often put ourselves last on the list of things to do and then are surprised when everything falls apart. Our happiness is what helps us to create the glue that binds our family.

When I was trying to find my lost libido, the ‘taking action’ part was the hardest for me. Thank you for breaking down the avenues to pursue into such sweet little bites. Because, you are absolutely right that sexual intimacy with our husbands should be a joyful part of our life.

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