Just in case you were actually starting to feel kind of bad for Tim Sylvia, there are some marvelous comments from him out on Tuesday which should remind you why you never liked the guy in the first place. Of course, by “marvelous” we mean “the sadly typical ramblings of an obese man who refuses to take responsibility for his own fuck-ups.” Turn out, Sylvia came into his fight with Abe Wagner with a hurt knee, you guys. Now it might need surgery. Nonetheless, the former UFC champ says if referee Jason Herzog hadn’t prematurely stepped in to call the fight just 32-seconds into the first round he was about to jump up and whip Wagner’s ass, bum wheel and all.

“It was stopped way too early…It was bullshit,” Sylvia tells Five Ounces of Pain about his loss at Titan Fighting Championships last weekend. “The sad part is the ref told the promoter and my corner he was sorry because he knew he made a mistake and stopped it a little early.”

We’ll get to Herzog in a minute. First, some Breaking News: In addition to making the above obligatory excuses for his defeat, Sylvia has decided he fights better when he doesn’t show up for bouts weighing 311-pounds and looking like his body might split open like a Johnsonville brat on a hot grill. Damn it, if only he’d known that before the fight!

Tim Sylvia showed up at Titan Fighting Championships on Friday night looking very much like a 311-pound man who knew he had to get this over with in a hurry. Unfortunately for the rotund former UFC champ, Abe Wagner had the same idea. Both guys came out of their corners throwing heavy leather and it was Wagner – a +355 underdog despite appearing to have trained at least one day for this bout – who got to Sylvia first. He clipped the “Maine-iac” with a right hand above the eye in the early going and drove him across the cage flurrying punches (that mostly missed) before Sylvia ran out of real estate on the other side. There he was felled like a giant, flabby redwood by a left to the jaw and another right. When referee Jason Herzog jumped in to call a stop to the action, then hesitated, Wagner responded exactly as a fighter should in that circumstance: He walked away and started celebrating, creating such an awkward situation that Herzog had no choice but to wave things off.

Sylvia tried to protest the stoppage, but you could tell he was on wobbly legs. And not just because they were covered in cellulite, either. The end came in just 32 seconds which – to answer Michael Schiavello and Frank Trigg’s question – is four seconds fewer than it took Fedor to topple Sylvia. The current part-time cop said prior to this bout that he believes police work will “help fill the void” when the time comes for him to retire from MMA. That time may be now. Fill the void, Tim. Fill it with something besides ice cream sandwiches.