An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street performer juggling. He notices they are struggling to see him so stands up on a box so they can get a better view. He turns to each of them in turn and asks if the view is now better. They each answer in turn:
'Yes'
'Oui'
'Si'
'Ja'

Stunning lady walks up to a bar.
She signals the barman to bring his face close to hers.
Running her fingers through his hair she says softly "Are you the manager?"
"No", he says......"Can you give him a message?" she asks,
stroking his face & allowing 2 fingers to slip into his mouth so he can suck them gently & sliding them seductively across his teeth & round his tongue.
"Tell him there's no toilet paper."!!

I don't take orders from anyone.
Which is most probably why my restaurant went bust.

I saw Cristiano Ronaldo in town today.
I said, "Can you sign my shirt?"
He said, "Have you got a pen?"
I said, "****, no. Hang on".
With that I threw myself on the floor, rolled over theatrically and began to cry.
He said, "How's that going to get a pen?"
I said, "Well that's how you ****ing do it"

My mates call me gay because I can't stay on a skateboard for longer than a minute.
I'd like to see them try it with high heels on.

My wife just said, "It's your turn next, what do you want for Father's Day?"
"A blowjob" I replied.
"Ha-ha, but what do you want from your daughter?"
I am sick o death of repeating myself to that woman.