Not-a-pipe

You're not entirely sure what this is -- it was the prize for an absurdist joke-telling competition. All the absurdists would tell you is "this is not a pipe," which isn't very useful. I mean, it's clearly not a food processor, either.

Obtained From

When Used

You do not light the not-a-pipe, and you proceed to do something with it that is not smoking. Whatever it is, it's very refreshing, and gives you the feeling that your head has been replaced with either a window or a giant apple.

Notes

When it debuted, using this item would give you 20-30 Muscularity substats for each of the three substat gains, effectively gaining 60 - 90 substats. This discrepancy was fixed in the June 4 update. The stats given are now equally distributed.

Unlike most other spleen items, not-pipes give their adventure bonus after granting their stats.