Welcome back to Midweek Madness, our weekly collection of tabloid trash. Today we learn Brad joined the Mile High Club with a French model, Snooki is having a lesbian fling, and The Situation is gunning to be Sarah Palin's son-in-law.

OK!
I'LL FIGHT FOR MY BABYOK!, your go-to source for stuff that happened on reality shows earlier this week, reports that Teen Mom star Maci Bookout plans to fight ex Ryan Edwards' efforts to get more visitation with their son Bentley. "Ryan's threatening Maci with court to prove a point," says a source. "Not because he's desperate to have Bentley full time. He's doing it to hurt her." As for Farrah Abraham, who recently declared she only had $100 to her name (though the mag presumably paid for the interview), she's mooching off her parents again. They've reportedly paid her rent for the next seven months and are paying her tuition at culinary school. Next: Emily Blunt and John Krasinski have been married for two months, so clearly they have babies on the brain. "They know they'll make great parents, and can't think of a better way to show their love to each other than to start a family," says a source. Lady Gaga is taking an online course to become an ordained minister so she can marry fans when gay marriage is legalized. Next: In one of several "exclusive" interviews with the tabloids this week, Danielle Staub declares, "I can speak loudly about the gay community — from within." Though she refuses to confirm that she's dating Lori Michaels, she says, "If I'm dating [Lori], this would be the sixth [girlfriend.]" Some other choice quotes: "[In five years] I'll still be the biggest reality star on television!" "I am a villain; I'm the Susan Lucci of reality," and on her plans for a new reality show, "I'd call it The Real Danielle Staub, or Danielle Staub and the Real Jersey Girls, or Danielle and Her Real Mafia."

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Grade: F (Seated next to a screaming baby on a 14-hour flight.)

Us
Lauren's Revenge
The folks at Us seem to think Lauren Conrad's only motive for being in a stable relationship and enjoying a moderately successful career to get "revenge" on her former Hills costars. As Lauren puts it, "It'a a little bizarre that I'm constantly being applauded for not going crazy." Next: Glee Matthew Morrison was spotted kissing his former fiance, All My Children's Chrishell Stause, at a Hawaii resort. Jennifer Aniston went on "two dates in one week," one with Cougar Town star Josh Hopkins, and another with Lindsay Lohan's ex, Harry Morton. However, insiders say both dudes are just friends and, "She isn't dating anyone seriously." Probably so she can devote more time to texting Brad Pitt and picking out jewelry that sends secret signals to John Mayer. Moving on: In yet another interview, Danielle Staub tells Us that when she questioned Teresa Giudice about never acknowledging her nephew during the RHONJ reunion she was referring to the child of Teresa's brother Joe and his wife Melissa Gorga (who may join the cast next season). "Teresa's sister-in-law has a major beef with Teresa and Joe. Melissa was made to feel like an outsider. Teresa treats them like they're no good." By the way, this issue contains 57 pages of fall fashion coverage, so if you love Elle but wish it focused more on what the stars of The Bachelorette and Pretty Little Liars are wearing, this is the mag for you.

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Grade: F (Seated next to delusional reality star on 14-hour flight.)

Life & Style
WHAT ELIN REALLY KNOWS
While the cover implies that the we'll learn some new dirt about Tiger Woods, the article actually consists of vague statements from Tiger's former mistresses. For example, Jamie Jungers says, "I'm sure Elin is hiding millions of secrets." As Cher Horowitz would say, "whatever." Were you aware that Jersey Shore's Sammi Giancola is "TRAPPED BY A MONSTER"? The mag says Ronnie Ortiz-Magro is emotionally abusive, but she isn't close with anyone else in the house, so "she turns to Ronnie, the man she fell in love with during season one and who becomes both her savior and her captor in seasons two and three." But there's hope — the mag asks, "CAN THE SITUATION SAVE SAMMI?" Elsewhere in Jersey, Caroline Manzo talks to the mag in yet another exclusive interview with a Real Houswife. She says she'll never forgive Danielle Staub, adding, "My daughter, Lauren, was very upset by what Jacqueline and Teresa did... She said, 'Mom, they didn't stand by you." But I'm okay. I don't need that." Then Jacqueline sort-of retracts her apology to Danielle during the reunion saying, "It's different to forgive than to give up. I just gave up. We had been taping for 12 hours, and I was exhausted. I just wanted everything to go away. That's why I did it. I just couldn't deal with it anymore." Lastly, check out this Matthew McConaughey Photoshop disaster (image 7).

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, our weekly collection of tabloid trash. Today we learn Brad joined …
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Grade: D- (Trapped on the tarmac for hours at Newark Airport.)

In Touch
FAMILY SECRETS
Scott Disick wants to write a tell-all book about the Kardashians. What's left to reveal about a family in which the sisters keep discussing the appearance of each other's nether regions on TV? Well, there's a rumor that Khloe may not be the late Robert Kardashian's child. Kris Jenner allegedly cheated on him with various men, including a pool boy, and In Touch editors don't think Khloe looks like the rest of the family (image 8). Also, when Kim was younger she "refused to cool down her insane sex life," so Kris and Bruce kicked her out of the house. She was technically homeless, staying on friends' couches, then married Damon Thomas "possibly because she simply wanted to settle down." In other news, LeAnn Rimes is already going by "Mrs. Cibrian." She recently used the name to place an order for Girl Scout Cookies. Next: Is Kat Von D pregnant with Jesse James baby? Almost certainly not, but In Touch is going with this story because they have a picture of her baggy t-shirt blowing in the wind (image 9). Another strike against to the mag's baby bump claim: She was pictured with a totally flat belly on the cover of Star just last week. But guess who wants a baby: Lindsay Lohan! "The star has confided to a pal that she's determined to stay sober and thinks the best way for her to achieve that goal is to get pregnant." She also hates being alone and thinks a baby would "make the perfect companion." Lindsay can star in Dr. Drew's new show Celebrity Rehab: Teen Mom Edition! In the fourth "exclusive" interview with one of the Real Housewives, Teresa Giudice says she forgives Danielle Staub because, "after watching the reunion special, I realized that I am a much better person," adding, "I know a lot of people hate Danielle, and she doesn't need one more person not liking her." And continuing the Mean Girls theme, Jennifer Aniston and Sheryl Crow are "fighting over a man." Sheryl has a crush on Cougar Town's Josh Hopkins, one of the dudes Jen recently went on a "date" with. "She can't understand why Jen would do something like this," says a source.

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, our weekly collection of tabloid trash. Today we learn Brad joined …
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Grade: D- (Flight attendants run out of booze mid-flight.)

Star
BRAD CAUGHT IN CHEATING SCANDAL
Shady celebrity biographer Ian Halperin claims Brad Pitt has been cheating on Angelina Jolie with Racine, a "young, sexy French model who moonlights as a flight attendant." Halperin writes on his blog, "Racine claims to have bonked some of the hottest stars in the world in the air, including a top British politician, a star player for the L.A. Lakers, a Fox TV host, and one other than 'Hollywood's leading golden boy." He also quotes her as saying, "I slept with at least three men Angelina slept with, and they all told me they never had better sex." Andrew Morton, another sleazy celeb biographer, has some news of his own: Tom Cruise used to date Modern Family star Sofia Vergara. In fact, he was "grooming" Sofia to be his wife, but she freaked out when she learned about his belief in Scientology and broke it off. Luckily for Tom, he was "already courting Katie behind the scenes." Next: There's a DWTS love triangle brewing between Cheryl Burke, Bristol Palin, and The Situation. "Mike has two goals: to win the competition — and Bristol's heart," says a source. As for Cheryl, she's "infatuated with the Situation." In other Jersey Shore news, The Situation was arrested in 2003 after he was pulled over for having expired registration, then a drug-sniffing dog found marijuana in his car. He was put on one-year probation, with mandatory drug testing. We also learn that Snooki and new cast member Deena Cortese are having a lesbian fling. An eyewitness says that on August 28, "Snooki and Deena were doing shots... Then they started passionately kissing each other on the lips." Another insider reports, "They come home from boozing it up and sleep in the same bed all the time. More and more they are kissing and holding hands — the cast and crew are always talking about it." In an "exclusive" interview, Danielle Staub tells Star pretty much the same thing she told OK!. If you're wondering how Kim Kardashian "crosses the line with her bodyguard," you should've watched the September 6 episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians — there's nothing new here. We'll leave you with this thought: Does Julia Roberts have new boobs? (Image 10)