Dr. Know: Contrail-ian

How the hell can people miss chemtrails?

On a sunny day, look up and you may see a contrail,
which is a normal vapor trail that dissipates as quickly as a jet
passes. Then there are chemtrails, which hang up there all day and
spread out. How the hell can people not notice these things?

—John N.

I know (or at least claim to know) many things, but one
thing I’ll never understand is why you chemtrail folks persist in seeing
me as a likely convert to the cause. I may be full of shit, but that
doesn’t mean I want to be full of your shit.

I’m no apologist for
the status quo, and I’m perfectly prepared to believe the
military-industrial complex is evil enough to do what chemtrail
theorists claim. I’m just not willing to believe they’re that smart.

I understand you’ve
seen evidence supporting the chemtrails theory. It was probably the
first evidence you ever looked at closely, and naturally, you were
impressed. But remember, Orly Taitz has evidence the president was born
in Kenya. Those guys in Utah had evidence of cold fusion. Erich von
Däniken (remember him?) had evidence that aliens built the pyramids.
Evidence is cheap.

Besides, if you’re
looking for a meteorological conspiracy to expose the excesses of global
capitalism, may I humbly suggest global warming? It’s got
end-of-the-world sex appeal, plenty of real science on its side, and
doesn’t require anything of its conspirators beyond garden-variety human
greed, stupidity and short-sightedness.

As for the varying
durations of contrails: The ones that run through warm, dry air
evaporate quickly. The ones that run through cool, wet air stick around
for a while. Car exhaust (or even your own breath) will do the same
thing, dissipating quickly in dry conditions and hanging around longer
on cold, rainy days.