Syndication

Being wrong was so much fun. So delicious. Such a relief. The smiles in the room got bigger and the enthusiasm grew. I first participated in this energizing exercise decades ago, and have used it for the same positive effect (and affect) in several trainings I have presented over the years since.

What mistake was it that made all of us in the room so happy? Gary Friedman requested of a group of lawyers attending his seminar that we demonstrate being the worst mediator imaginable. All the shoulds and got-tos and rules and philosophy and models dropped away and, wow, did we have fun!

It is probably not a surprise that the majority of mediators participating in this exercise become directive—to the extreme. Often downright dictatorial.

That same feeling of devil-may-care freedom was triggered when I read of FailCon, a conference focused on failure. That event I would like to attend. The notion of sharing mistakes seems so much more compelling and juicy than listening to a slate of motivational speakers. Yes, most motivational speakers detail challenges they have faced and overcome but the focus is their victory. Although their talks can be inspiring, they often are so buttoned-down, cuff-linked, dry-cleaned spotless. So tame and acceptable.

I want spicy, vivid misbehavior. That's where lots of my motivating action is. And from the way the energy rises in the room when I use the be-your-worst exercise, I think lots of other people get motivated by being fully and audaciously wrong.

But you don't get to stop with the mischief.

In the exercise described above, Gary, after commenting on the spirited focus, interest, and action in the room, asked us to look for the elements and sources of that energy and then harness them for future mediations. Because that second part of the exercise occurs when the participants are uplifted as a result of the mischievousness and mistakes, it is typically extremely valuable and enlightening.

FailCon is not going to be simply a failure fest either; it too will garner lessons and gems from the foul-ups. But it will lead with the blunders. I bet the get-together will be uncommon, fun, and constructive.

My friend and colleague Hartley Goldstone will be writing columns on improving relationships between beneficiaries and trustees through the use of stories. From his debut, titled "The Positive Story Project" (WealthManagement.com):

Can the widespread dissatisfaction and all the talk of “problem” beneficiaries and “problem” trustees, give way to more creative and productive relationships? I say: “Absolutely.” And, if your intuition is the same as mine, the harder question becomes “how do we get from here to there?”

...

Like everyone else, beneficiaries and trustees create stories to put given moments into context. And, the stories become their reality. A particular story might serve the storyteller well, or not so well. The point is the ability to direct thinking: Beneficiaries and trustees can decide on their point of view—trusts as a problem, or trusts as an opportunity.

...

That’s why we’ll focus on what we can learn from positive stories. We’ll take a look at the skills and behaviors of our storytellers as they confront dilemmas and opportunities.

During this holiday season of 2012, I have been giving my friends a small pocket calendar and also giving them a poem about how they might use the calendar. The little planner is meant to be a place for friends to collect some of the gifts that come along in 2013. I will let my poem explain . . .

Here comes the new year, 2013—

May it be the best one you've ever seen.

I've a wish for you; A little book, too

Let me explain now what I hope it will do.

Click to read the rest of the poem. (Using this method, I plan to fill up one of these little books myself during the coming year.)

Note (added December 21, 2012): Below is a response, from a retired lawyer, to my poem. Although I think he has written it with some degree of seriousness, I found it very funny. He wrote (and I post this with his permission):

Have you heard that having an attitude of gratitude can improve your life? Or that writing a gratitude journal can make you happier? I've heard that advice, read it, and then heard it again. After trying the journal, I concluded that I must be one of those people for whom that kind of writing is not effective enough to make it worth my time and paper. I sincerely tried appreciativeness exercises but finally returned them to the thankfulness store because they didn't fit.

Now writing about my mistakes! That I could get down with. This blog post about journaling your mistakes caught my eye, connected with my imagination, and satisfied my erring heart and soul. From "Why journal your mistakes?" (The Mistake Bank):

Documenting and reflecting on mistakes isn't easy. It's a discipline that needs to be learned. But think about this: according to the Harvard paper, most people don't learn well from their own mistakes. If you can be one of the few that do, it puts you at a tremendous advantage. That advantage will create opportunities, and allow you to capitalize on them.

As far as I know, there has been no research on the benefits of writing about one's mistakes. Nevertheless, I am going to give it a try and see how it works. Let's see if chronicling boo-boos creates juju.

If penning gratitude is valuable for you, then perhaps you can fold in some mistakes? I suspect that, in the world of diaries, woots and boo-boos are not mutually exclusive.

Note: I am grateful for many things in my life (my level of gaiety, even celebration, can be jarring for true pessimists and worriers), but moments of awe appear spontaneously, often when least expected. Scheduling them, or the memory of them, was counter-productive for me and my nature.

My friend and colleague Hartley Goldstone works in the field of trusts and estates, helping relationships between trustees and beneficiaries to be functional and even fruitful. (More about what he does below.) As part of his practice, he has a blog; today's entry was especially touching and worthy of reading twice. He blogged about a family tradition you may want to include when your family gets together for this holiday and for those in the future.

We started blessings, as we called it, with our kids when they were very young. At Christmas time, we asked each of the kids to write a blessing to each other and to their mom and their dad. They all went into a big pot. Then we sat around the fire and sorted them out and each of us read the blessings we had received from the others.

There was no requirement or expectation of what the kids were supposed to say. They could say anything they wanted. Even things like,

Five years later, let's look back and see what nearly 40 blogging lawyers wrote about what they most appreciate. Many of the entries were beautiful messages about being thankful; click to read them. (Or click to see Julie's list of links to what lawyers wrote; I think her list and mine are nearly identical.)

To those lawyers who participated: what do you think about what you wrote half a decade ago? To all lawyers: what are you appreciating about your profession as 2012 approaches? Please feel free to answer in the comments below or on your blog.

When people with mental illness and cognitive impairments cycle in an out of jail—is there a better solution? 'Problem solving courts' are one approach, and shift the relationship between the judge and the judged. Join Natasha Mitchell at a symposium considering the 'for and against' with key players in Australia.

In my past, I have done many things, including publishing an ezine called Upsy Daisy Daily. A decade ago, I declared June 8 Upsy Daisy Day and registered it with Chase's Calendar of Events; the holiday has been official for 10 years. The tag line? "A day to remind people to get up gloriously, gratefully, and gleefully."

Okay, so I was in my greeting card phase. I did have fun, and met many very nice people who subscribed to the ezine and then contacted me. In honor of tomorrow, I will today post one of the ezine's editions. I find it curious that I wrote it a few years before I learned about brain science and neuroplasticity (or the benefits of gratitude), yet it foreshadows what I have since learned. It's brain science in bovine terms.