As a former nanny, I am close to this one. I think if her reasons for her sudden departure were real and reasonable, then offering a bit of grace and understanding would be a kindness. She is clearly regretting her decision and struggling with her loss of your daughter. Not having a chance to say goodbye will be something she will regret the rest of her life. I can honestly say, it's probably keeping her up at night.

Is any of this your problem? Not really. But does this young person, who appears to have had some kind of major stress in her life at the time deserve an act of grace? I would say yes.

I agree your primary concern is your daughter. However, she's 3. Unless she was seriously traumatized by her leaving, your daughter might enjoy seeing the babysitter again and after the "one last goodbye", a simple, "babysitter is really busy and we haven't been able to make a playdate" should hold her off until she forgets about her.

I do agree there's no reason to do the language classes or have her pick her up from school, but I personally have a hard time not wanting to let her say good-bye.

jolene, i don't really remember clearly the circumstances of the babysitter leaving suddenly. but i also don't know that this babysitter was young.

since i can't go back and reread the original post, i don't know what the issues were. i think there are times when it's not necessary for the babysitter to have the chance to tell the child good-bye. it sounds to me like the babysitter didn't have any trouble walking away before. that she now regrets that decision, and wants "closure" really isn't Lex's problem.

Lex has just gotten her daughter settled into a new routine. she'd know better than i do if it would be upsetting for her daughter to have a "goodbye" with the former sitter. if the sitter really cares about the child, she'll accept a "no way in E-Hell" from Lex.

Extra BG (for clarity's sake):

This person basically used me as a dumping ground for her trainwreck of a life. She stopped showing up on time. She kept asking for more and more favors (pay advances, schedule changes, a shoulder to cry on when things went wrong - and they constantly went wrong). It all boiled down to one thing - it wasn't about my DD anymore. It was about keeping the babysitter afloat regardless of how it was affecting everybody else involved. I began to worry about the influence that all the extra drama was going to have on my child.

Her age was never an issue. To me, that's irrelevant. The problem was unprofessional behavior that bordered on toxicity. She was self-centered, emotionally immature, and somehow got it in her head that it was my responsibility to be her friend. The bile rises in my stomach at the thought of EVER having contact with her again. When I saw that she'd sent me an email, my blood pressure ticked up just reading her name. In my head, I had the same thought that I did when she was working with us and she sent me a text or started a sentence with, "Would it be possible ..." I always immediately thought, "What NOW?"

ETA: Anyone reading this notice my e-hell signature quote? I picked this one specifically because of her. \/

« Last Edit: October 09, 2012, 09:43:56 PM by Lexophile »

Logged

"Submission to what people call their 'lot' is simply ignoble. If your lot makes you cry and be wretched, get rid of it and take another." - Elizabeth von Arnim

As a former nanny, I am close to this one. I think if her reasons for her sudden departure were real and reasonable, then offering a bit of grace and understanding would be a kindness. She is clearly regretting her decision and struggling with her loss of your daughter. Not having a chance to say goodbye will be something she will regret the rest of her life. I can honestly say, it's probably keeping her up at night.

Is any of this your problem? Not really. But does this young person, who appears to have had some kind of major stress in her life at the time deserve an act of grace? I would say yes.

I agree your primary concern is your daughter. However, she's 3. Unless she was seriously traumatized by her leaving, your daughter might enjoy seeing the babysitter again and after the "one last goodbye", a simple, "babysitter is really busy and we haven't been able to make a playdate" should hold her off until she forgets about her.

I do agree there's no reason to do the language classes or have her pick her up from school, but I personally have a hard time not wanting to let her say good-bye.

jolene, i don't really remember clearly the circumstances of the babysitter leaving suddenly. but i also don't know that this babysitter was young.

since i can't go back and reread the original post, i don't know what the issues were. i think there are times when it's not necessary for the babysitter to have the chance to tell the child good-bye. it sounds to me like the babysitter didn't have any trouble walking away before. that she now regrets that decision, and wants "closure" really isn't Lex's problem.

Lex has just gotten her daughter settled into a new routine. she'd know better than i do if it would be upsetting for her daughter to have a "goodbye" with the former sitter. if the sitter really cares about the child, she'll accept a "no way in E-Hell" from Lex.

Extra BG (for clarity's sake):

This person basically used me as a dumping ground for her trainwreck of a life. She stopped showing up on time. She kept asking for more and more favors (pay advances, schedule changes, a shoulder to cry on when things went wrong - and they constantly went wrong). It all boiled down to one thing - it wasn't about my DD anymore. It was about keeping the babysitter afloat regardless of how it was affecting everybody else involved. I began to worry about the influence that all the extra drama was going to have on my child.

Her age was never an issue. To me, that's irrelevant. The problem was unprofessional behavior that bordered on toxicity. She was self-centered, emotionally immature, and somehow got it in her head that it was my responsibility to be her friend. The bile rises in my stomach at the thought of EVER having contact with her again. When I saw that she'd sent me an email, my blood pressure ticked up just reading her name. In my head, I had the same thought that I did when she was working with us and she sent me a text or started a sentence with, "Would it be possible ..." I always immediately thought, "What NOW?"

ETA: Anyone reading this notice my e-hell signature quote? I picked this one specifically because of her. \/

the extra background that you provided has clarified my vote. go with Nya's response. then block her e-mail address. it will be better for your blood pressure.

also, Cynical stillinva thinks this is an attempt for the babysitter to get her foot back in the door. she must still need a "friend". slam the door. your DD is settled, and you're happier to no longer need to support this person.

As a former nanny, I am close to this one. I think if her reasons for her sudden departure were real and reasonable, then offering a bit of grace and understanding would be a kindness. She is clearly regretting her decision and struggling with her loss of your daughter. Not having a chance to say goodbye will be something she will regret the rest of her life. I can honestly say, it's probably keeping her up at night.

Is any of this your problem? Not really. But does this young person, who appears to have had some kind of major stress in her life at the time deserve an act of grace? I would say yes.

I agree your primary concern is your daughter. However, she's 3. Unless she was seriously traumatized by her leaving, your daughter might enjoy seeing the babysitter again and after the "one last goodbye", a simple, "babysitter is really busy and we haven't been able to make a playdate" should hold her off until she forgets about her.

I do agree there's no reason to do the language classes or have her pick her up from school, but I personally have a hard time not wanting to let her say good-bye.

jolene, i don't really remember clearly the circumstances of the babysitter leaving suddenly. but i also don't know that this babysitter was young.

since i can't go back and reread the original post, i don't know what the issues were. i think there are times when it's not necessary for the babysitter to have the chance to tell the child good-bye. it sounds to me like the babysitter didn't have any trouble walking away before. that she now regrets that decision, and wants "closure" really isn't Lex's problem.

Lex has just gotten her daughter settled into a new routine. she'd know better than i do if it would be upsetting for her daughter to have a "goodbye" with the former sitter. if the sitter really cares about the child, she'll accept a "no way in E-Hell" from Lex.

My response is influenced by the fact my mother was a live-in nanny for many years and has told me many stories about that time of her life. To that end I agree with the sentiments expressed by johelenc1.

I think OP is neither 'right' nor 'wrong' to feel how she feels about the babysitter now. OP is evidently very angry. However, I'm a bit confused by the idea that allowing the babysitter to say goodbye shouldn't be entertained. Saying goodbye to important people in our lives is inherently upsetting. There are also many upsides to goodbyes in helping us move on - without some kind of goodbye, I would worry daughter might grow up with a lingering sense she was abandoned/forgotten by a caregiver she was evidently very attached to.

As a former nanny, I am close to this one. I think if her reasons for her sudden departure were real and reasonable, then offering a bit of grace and understanding would be a kindness. She is clearly regretting her decision and struggling with her loss of your daughter. Not having a chance to say goodbye will be something she will regret the rest of her life. I can honestly say, it's probably keeping her up at night.

Is any of this your problem? Not really. But does this young person, who appears to have had some kind of major stress in her life at the time deserve an act of grace? I would say yes.

I agree your primary concern is your daughter. However, she's 3. Unless she was seriously traumatized by her leaving, your daughter might enjoy seeing the babysitter again and after the "one last goodbye", a simple, "babysitter is really busy and we haven't been able to make a playdate" should hold her off until she forgets about her.

I do agree there's no reason to do the language classes or have her pick her up from school, but I personally have a hard time not wanting to let her say good-bye.

jolene, i don't really remember clearly the circumstances of the babysitter leaving suddenly. but i also don't know that this babysitter was young.

since i can't go back and reread the original post, i don't know what the issues were. i think there are times when it's not necessary for the babysitter to have the chance to tell the child good-bye. it sounds to me like the babysitter didn't have any trouble walking away before. that she now regrets that decision, and wants "closure" really isn't Lex's problem.

Lex has just gotten her daughter settled into a new routine. she'd know better than i do if it would be upsetting for her daughter to have a "goodbye" with the former sitter. if the sitter really cares about the child, she'll accept a "no way in E-Hell" from Lex.

My response is influenced by the fact my mother was a live-in nanny for many years and has told me many stories about that time of her life. To that end I agree with the sentiments expressed by johelenc1.

I think OP is neither 'right' nor 'wrong' to feel how she feels about the babysitter now. OP is evidently very angry. However, I'm a bit confused by the idea that allowing the babysitter to say goodbye shouldn't be entertained. Saying goodbye to important people in our lives is inherently upsetting. There are also many upsides to goodbyes in helping us move on - without some kind of goodbye, I would worry daughter might grow up with a lingering sense she was abandoned/forgotten by a caregiver she was evidently very attached to.

In these circumstances, I would NOT meet up with this babysitter to say goodbye. If this happens, I suspect the babysitter will ask a favour of the OP (eg cash or something), or at least try to wheedle her way back into a babysitting gig.

As a former nanny, I am close to this one. I think if her reasons for her sudden departure were real and reasonable, then offering a bit of grace and understanding would be a kindness. She is clearly regretting her decision and struggling with her loss of your daughter. Not having a chance to say goodbye will be something she will regret the rest of her life. I can honestly say, it's probably keeping her up at night.

Is any of this your problem? Not really. But does this young person, who appears to have had some kind of major stress in her life at the time deserve an act of grace? I would say yes.

I agree your primary concern is your daughter. However, she's 3. Unless she was seriously traumatized by her leaving, your daughter might enjoy seeing the babysitter again and after the "one last goodbye", a simple, "babysitter is really busy and we haven't been able to make a playdate" should hold her off until she forgets about her.

I do agree there's no reason to do the language classes or have her pick her up from school, but I personally have a hard time not wanting to let her say good-bye.

jolene, i don't really remember clearly the circumstances of the babysitter leaving suddenly. but i also don't know that this babysitter was young.

since i can't go back and reread the original post, i don't know what the issues were. i think there are times when it's not necessary for the babysitter to have the chance to tell the child good-bye. it sounds to me like the babysitter didn't have any trouble walking away before. that she now regrets that decision, and wants "closure" really isn't Lex's problem.

Lex has just gotten her daughter settled into a new routine. she'd know better than i do if it would be upsetting for her daughter to have a "goodbye" with the former sitter. if the sitter really cares about the child, she'll accept a "no way in E-Hell" from Lex.

My response is influenced by the fact my mother was a live-in nanny for many years and has told me many stories about that time of her life. To that end I agree with the sentiments expressed by johelenc1.

I think OP is neither 'right' nor 'wrong' to feel how she feels about the babysitter now. OP is evidently very angry. However, I'm a bit confused by the idea that allowing the babysitter to say goodbye shouldn't be entertained. Saying goodbye to important people in our lives is inherently upsetting. There are also many upsides to goodbyes in helping us move on - without some kind of goodbye, I would worry daughter might grow up with a lingering sense she was abandoned/forgotten by a caregiver she was evidently very attached to.

Lex's daughter is 3. she has just gotten settled into a new routine with new caregivers and teachers. if the old babysitter pops in now, to say "goodbye", it's liable to confuse and upset her just when she's adjusted to the old babysitter being gone.

add in that the old babysitter sounds a bit on the unstable side, and i don't see any good coming from any kind of contact with her.

if the child was older when this happened, i might have a different view. but at 3? i just see that as confusing and possibly upsetting. Lex's daughter isn't old enough to understand the whole "i just wanted to say goodbye" thing. as far as she's concerned, it's already happened.

I'm not a doctor, just a mom of 3. IMO, the immediate transition of losing the babysitter had to be hard for her, at this point, she is now past this. Is there a chance at some point it will affect her in the future? Yep, but the damage has already been done - the babysitter was there one day and out of her life the next day. A good-bye this far down the road is not for the daughter, it is for the babysitter. If she'd been someone who'd been reliable and truly seemed to be the child first, and the exit was due to an emergency, I'd say get together. But it sounds like the exit was due to the babysitter not taking the responsibility of her job seriously, and this good-bye is for her. Unfortunately, she's asked too much of the OP and the door that was open to being there for her has closed. I'd delete the email, block the address and move on.

Logged

"The test of good manners is to be patient with bad ones" - Solomon ibn Gabirol

While it's nice to think of closure for the ex babysitter, OP knows her daughter best and if he has moved on, then she has moved on. It's not as though OP and her husband callously dropped the babysitter with no notice, this was the SITTER'S choice. And not letting her have closure isn't punitive, it's about honoring the feelings of OP, who has a right to decide who hangs out with her daughter for any amount of time. I wouldn't want to revisit things with someone this flaky and inconsiderate either.

Cynical stillinva thinks this is an attempt for the babysitter to get her foot back in the door.

Cynical doodlemor thinks the same thing. This person likely has run through several hosts victims by now, and wants to attach herself back to Lexophile.

I think that Lexophile should be as brief as possible, if she decides to answer the email at all.

cynical cicero thinks the same. in fact, when i started reading the OP i thought "OK, when is she going to ask for her job back".

I don't think you have to reply, but if you do - i would simply say 'no thank you'. you can use Amethyst Anne's wording, but honestly - i wouldn't even say "DD is doing well" - it's none of her business!