Maulana Fazlur Rahman, chief of his eponymous faction of the Jamiat Ulema-i Islam, has been calling Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP) co-chairman Bilawal Bhutto Zardari PML-N’s vice-President Maryam Nawaz Sharif, since they have met at Jati Umra, the Sharif family estate.

Held against the backdrop of arrests of the top party leadership of the two parties, the meeting was aimed at increasing cooperation between the two parties to work out a joint strategy against the Imran Khan led government.

The Maulana, who has been without his lucrative diesel permits since Imran Khan became prime minister, is on a multi-pronged attack. Besides calling Bilawal and Maryam, he is also talking to party leaders who were at the meeting: Punjab PPP chief Qamar Zaman Kaira, Sen. Mustafa Nawaz Khokar, Ch. Manzoor Ahmad and Hassan Murtaza in Bilawal’s team. Maryam’s team members: Sen. Pervaiz Rashid, former Sindh governor, Muhammad Zubair, former speaker Ayyaz Sadiq, Rana Sana Ullah and Maryam Aurangzeb.

Of course, the Maulana wants to know what transpired in the one-on-one meeting held by Maryam Nawaz and Bilawal Bhutto after the lunch.

A stickler for drawing out the utmost from all situations, the Maulana also met with Opposition Leader and PML-N President Shehbaz Sharif and Bilawal at Shehbaz’s chambers at the National Assembly. He had already hosted Shehbaz for dinner at his residence earlier.

The Maulana initiates the discussion with Shehbaz, Maryam, and Bilawal, “May God bless you and your parents who are only and rightful rulers of Pakistan.

“The 2006 Charter of Democracy signed by my beloved brother Nawaz Sharif and my sister Mohtarma Benazir Bhutto Shaheed is not only a historic document, but also a source of prosperity for your families and I and my family also had their fill from this stream. It is most encouraging that you are revitalizing and reinventing the charter to lay the foundation for a joint action against this Imran Khan regime… His constant talk about corruption has jeopardized the country’s sovereignty, economy and security. Instead of thinking that Pakistan is the only Muslim nuclear power, people are thinking that we are a den of thieves, so tomorrow when we regain our crown, all the world will look at us with suspicion.”

Bilawal quickly reassures the Maulana, “My respected Maulana Sahib, the moment we kick out Imran Khan, my father [Asif Zardari], my aunt [Faryal Talpur] and our respected prime minister Nawaz Sharif will be free. You know my father. He has no equal. It was his masterful lobbying that obliged Present George W. Bush to pressure Gen. Musharraf into issuing the National Reconciliation Order (NRO).”

The Maulana is swift to add, “Indeed. God be praised. Present Bush did us a great favor. The NRO opened floodgates of prosperity for not only both ruling families but also for me.”

Shehbaz too adds, “My respected Maulana is right. Undoubtedly the NRO was a blessing of God, a manna for our leadership.”

The Maulana checks his cellphone for notes and offers his insight, “You know that it is Akhtar Mengal [leader of his own faction of the Balochistan National Party (BNP)] who helped Imran Khan to take the majority. But Akhar’s political life has been lackluster. In 1997, it was my party that helped him become chief minister of Balochistan. Last year, he was ready to join me to form a government in Balochistan.

“Now that I have brought your two families together, my next project is Akhtar Mengal. We have to win him over to pull the chair from under Imran Khan… O God till how long should I live without diesel permits.

“But Akhtar Mengal will need more rewards.

“[The Maulana downs his glass of lassi and continues] The Charter of Democracy also means the Charter of Sharing…”

Bilawal interjects, “But Maulana Sahib, how long will my father be on 10%? Look at the inflation? So we need to share the spoils according to our contribution and standing. My party rules and has ruled Sindh. My family should get the biggest share…’

Maulana once again offers, “Whatever shares you decide but my efforts need to be rewarded with appropriate amount of diesel permits.”

Shehbaz and Maryam call out in unison, “But we also need to give due weightage to those bearing sufferings for the sake of democracy. Isn’t our true and beloved leader, Mian Nawaz Sharif in jail?”

Bilawal again adds, “But I lost my mother and despite being president for a full term, my father could not trace her killer. Maryam, if your father is in jail, not only my father but also my aunt are in custody.”

A nervous Maulana hurriedly adds, “Uff uff … why all this anger! Let us first pull the chair from under Imran Khan, and then I will set up a committee to demarcate the shares for both of your families. Now stop arguing please. We all know that the national treasury has not much left to loot. In our government, I will become the finance minister and I will scour the earth for loans, especially from countries that have offshore facilities like England. I will ask for loans assuring them, the our three families will keep their offshore businesses bulging.”

Shehbaz, Maryam and Bilawal staring at the Maulana scream, “Did we hear correctly that you said ‘… our three families…’ What? Really? Let us put it straight. Maulana you are only getting diesel permits and government-paid world tours. Pakistan belongs only to two families, the Bhuttos and the Sharifs.”

Shehbaz Sharif, president of the Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N), his niece and party vice-president Maryam Nawaz Sharif/Safdar accompanied by Shahid Khaqan Abbasi, a former prime minister, and party firebrand Rana Sanaullah, are meeting with Pakistan Peoples Party co-chairman Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari, his aunt Faryal Talpur, who has been spared arrest, accompanied by Gen. (ret.) Farhatullah Babar, Qamaruzzan Kaira, the party’s Punjab chief, at the Zardari House in Islambad.

Also present is the indefatigable political performer, Maulana Fazlur Rahman, head of his eponymous faction of the Jamiat Ulema-i Islam.

The Maulana initiates the conversation, “It is sad day in the history of Pakistan that a great man who has parked hundreds of millions in dollars, Sir, yes dollars, in the accounts of poor laborers and workers, our beloved brother, Asif Zardari, has been arrested.

“Indeed, no one has a bigger heart than him. Just imagine the joy of these poor people who were told that they are billionaires. So it not inappropriate to say that I had my eyes on massive diesel oil permits.

“In fact, we are already mourning the imprisonment of our large-hearted brother, Nawaz Sharif. He was always giving. He always insisted on taking a Boeing 777 when on any overseas trip so there was always space for not just the family but also our honorable media people and of course people of faith like myself.”

Bilawal thanks the Maulana, adding, “May God bless you for your kind words and hopes in my father’s generosity. You will agree and the whole world agrees that despite the inflation, my father has limited his skim-off from any public project to a mere 110%. My father’s kindness knows no limits. You know the three of us, myself and my two sisters, never know but our overseas portfolios keep growing. Like I never knew that Uncle Malik Riaz [of Bahria Town) was giving me a [$50 million Bilawal] house in Lahore. He just winked at my dad and handed me a key.

“Our sister Maryam and our brother Shehbaz deserve all the sympathy when our brother Hamza is also locked up.”

Maulana Fazal quickly interjects, “I am worried too. I have been hearing that it is being said that I am the right person to be imam for my brothers Asif, Nawaz and Hamza. I don’t see it as a compliment. This is just an excuse to lock me up.”

Bilawal tries to pacify the visibly shaken Maulana, “You are a national treasure. I am told that you are the nation’s diesel expert. Just tell them that you are not afraid of going to jail and then file for a pre-arrest bail, and bails thereafter. You know that prior to this arrest, my father filed eleven times for pre-arrest bails, only the last one failed him.”

Maryam doing her best to console the Maulana, adds, “Of course, you can fall ill the moment they shut the jail cell door. See not only my father, but also my Uncle Shehbaz, and our respected leader Mr. Zardari are experts in falling sick in jails.”

The Maulana recoups his strength and hastily blurts, “Yes, that’s true. I can get an illness that is treatable only in south of France.

[He looks around and adds] My bother Abbassi, I am hearing that you too will be praying behind me.”

Shehbaz steers the conversation away from prisons and offers, “We all heard about the commission that Imran Khan is creating to see how the debt burden increased so much. This is dangerous for all of us. This is his tactic to shake us out of our funds that we earned in lieu of our service to the people. Who works for free? Tell me which Rs 100 million project does not cost Rs 10 million… after all, we deserve the balance… the Rs 90 million.”

Faryal Talpur springs to extol her brother, “No, my brother… Asif Zardari would keep Rs 110 million off any Rs 100 million project. This is his genius.”

Shehbaz continues, “Now how to fight this commission that Imran is creating?”

Bilawal offers, “I will tell him, and our liberal media will tell him that we won’t compromise an inch on our stances on the 18th amendment. We will say that the Amendment does not allow for any corruption probes. All of us have to keep shouting that whatever is happening with the opposition is not accountability but political vendetta.”

Shehbaz reconnects, “I will say that our brother, Asif should get himself moved to Kot Lakhpat jail so that two of our country’s greatest leaders are in constant touch. And I would say if our respectable and honorable Maulana is also there. It will be an amazing combination, good enough to upend this commission and all this anti-corruption hysteria!”

The Maulana, staring at Shehbaz, declares, “No sacrifice is too little to uproot Imran’s anti-corruption drive, especially this commission. But my friends, I have hesitation in serving as imam in Kot Lakhpat jail, except if you promise to never forget my diesel permits.”

Shehbaz pats the Maulana’s hand and assures him, “My dear Maulana Sahib, never forget that neither we, the Sharifs, nor our brother Asif, ever forget our friends. Once we regain the hold over Pakistan’s treasury, one of its keys will be yours… yes, and the ministerial residence and perks too!”

An overjoyed Maulana hugs Shehbaz and Bilawal, and requests a round of lassi for everyone.

Dr. Abn-Awaa al-Diba, secretary general of the High Institute for the Study of Advancement of Gulf Monarchies is meeting Abdullatif bin Rashid Al Zayani, secretary-general of the GCC, formally known as The Cooperation Council for the Arab States of the Gulf, to discuss the collection of zakat by the UN Commission for Human Rights (UNHCR).

Dr. al-Diba initiates the discussion, “May Allah protect all our heads of states of Gulf countries. It is their blessing and love that the UNHCR collected zakat from Muslims.”

Al-Zayani, a Bahraini engineer and retired lieutenant general, seconds, “Indeed… Indeed. Muslims pay hundreds of billions of dollars in zakat each year; it is an amount with great potential to impact the world.

“In the past, some people were misusing zakat for activities like feeding the Palestinians in Gaza, like providing winter clothing to children in what-Pakistan-calls, Kashmir.”

Al-Diba adds, “Certainly, our wise leaders have moved in the right direction. Our common benefactor, Abu Ivanka (President Trump) would have let his displeasure known.

“Our leadership be praised. Abu Ivanka is more than dear brother to us…”

Al Zayani, “Praise be to the Lord of the Heavens. Our wise leadership be praised…”

Al-Diba continues, “The most honorable efforts of our wise leadership have placed our countries at par with Israel in the eyes of our beloved Abu Ivanka.

“You may recall that our beloved ally, President George W. Bush used the emergency provision in 2006 to send precision-guided weapons to Israel during the Israel-Hezbollah July War…”

Al Zayani nodding in assent, exclaims, “Yes, I do. Hezbollah is just another name for Iran…”

Al-Diba, “Our most wise and honorable leadership’s great work is bearing fruit. You see there are multiple reports that Abu Ivanka will use this emergency to export $7 billion in arms to Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates. Praise be to the Lord. Praise be to Abu Ivanka. For more than four years these Houthis … or we rather call them by their real identity, Iranians, have waged a brutal war in Yemen against our beloved states.”

Al-Zayani adds, “As a Bahraini, I know the real face of Iran. You know, some seventy percent of people in our country are Iranians [read Shia]. To top it all, they are learning all the poisonous things from Iran, like they want an elected government in Bahrain. May God protect our wise rulers whom He has created to rule over us forever.”

Al-Diba, “Let us return to our main concern, the collection and disbursement of zakat. Our honorable and wise leadership has scored a masterstroke by handling over zakat collection to the UNHCR.

“My blessed and honorable Shaykh Al-Zayani, I can imagine to whom the seventy percent population of your country, the Iranians, would have given their zakat to if the UNHCR was not there. Imagine zakat being used for feeding and caring for these Iranians, Palestinians and Kashmiris and these fourth world people.

“Certainly, our wise leadership knows the way to Abu Ivanka’s heart. He must get reelected in 2020, and all of us must support this cause. Indeed, the Quran in Surah al-Tawba states that those who work in administering the zakat are eligible to benefit from zakat. And this zakat administration at UNHCR is creating jobs for people of countries that love us… England, America, France…”

Al-Zayani interjects, “Our beloved Abu Ivanka loves creating jobs for Americans. I can only imagine how pleased he must be. We all know how masterfully he shot down all that propaganda against our beloved rulers by saying that he cannot talk against us because we are buying $110 billion of arms, which is creating jobs in America.”

Al-Diba adds, “No doubt giving UNHCR zakat collection is a wise move, and a greater move will be to get a fatwa that both our beloved countries, England And America are fully and Islamically empowered to collect our zakat.

“Zakat as we all know is one of the largest forms of wealth transfer to the poor and needy. Who else but our beloved countries, England and America need our support? Zakat is expected to surpass $3 trillion by 2020. Such large amounts can only be administered by England and America so it does not fall in wrong hands like the Palestinians and Kashmiris.

“God forbid that our dearest Abu Ivanka leaves the presidency, but if it happens, our honorable and wise leadership should appoint him as the International Director General of Zakat Administration. We need firm control over these funds, which he knows how to do.

“Shaykh Al-Zayani we need a fatwa that zakat can only be given to those who honor and respect our wise leaders and great leaders like Abu Ivanka and [former British prime minister] Tony Blair… the true friends of our beloved leaders. Thus, we can have even more fulfilling zakat seasons.

Izzy Snoutstein, founder and chairman of the Snoustein Pyramids Financials, and president of the Zionists Union, and Alf Lyzardberg, chairman of the American Fund for Israel Expansion, are dinning at the Star of Zion restaurant on Z Street in Washington, D.C.

The topic of discussion is opportunities for Israel in the light of the Trump administration’s decision to impose sanctions on countries that buy Iranian oil.

“Izzy,” declared Lyzardberg, raising his glass of Cabernet Sauvignon from the Golan Heights Winery, “Donald J. Trump is the best thing to happen to Israel besides T.E. Lawrence. I say that we start lobbying to get an exception in the Twenty-Second Amendment to have Trump beyond his second term in 2024.

“This latest grand move to end exemptions from sanctions for countries still buying oil from Iran is the masterstroke for Israel. This is Trump’s thank you gift to the people of Israel and all Jews for reelecting Netanyahu.”

Snoutstein, returning the favor, tinkles his glass, and offers, “Alf, no doubt about it, Trump shines! But much credit is also due to T.E. Lawrence. He is also a hero of Israel. His creation of the Gulf states are humanity’s most valuable gift to Israel.

“Imagine, if these states were not there, would anyone touch Iranian oil! It is this gift of Lawrence that Trump got assurances from Saudi Arabia and UAE that they will increase their production to make for the Iranian losses.

“And Snoutstein Pyramids is going to invest in oil storage ventures. Everyone who has oil reserves is going to win.”

Lyzardberg suggests, “Izzy, I would also invest in the arms market. Trump’s announcement primarily impacts Iranian oil importers including China, India, Japan, South Korea and Turkey. I tell you, India will come begging to buy our beautiful weapons so Trump can look aside when they buy Iranian oil.”

Snoutstein, drumming his refilled glass, stresses, “No way… no way. Not a penny… Iran must starve. I tell you, when Trump orders, if needed both MBS (Saudi crown prince Mohammad Bin Salman) and MBZ (UAE crown prince Mohammad Bin Zaid) will ration oil in their own countries to meet India’s demand for oil.

“When our goal is near, why should we hesitate? Iraq done, Syria done, Libya gone… only Iran remains to be kicked out of existence. Israel rules!

“Alf, I am dedicating all my profits from investments in oil storage to AIPAC. They are going to keep a lid on all waivers. Every American in public life knows only what is good for Israel is good for them. Of course, ask [Rep. Ilhan] Omar.

“I will say that AIPAC should get Trump to do a Juan Guaido with Iran. Just like as he accepts him as president of Venezuela in parallel to Nicolas Maduro, we should recognize Reza Pahlavi, the heir apparent (son of Mohammad Reza Pahlavi) as Iran’s legitimate emperor.”

Lyzardberg, who can’t control his excitement, gives a high five and offers, “Izzy, you have it. I bet, [U.S. National Security Advisor John] Bolton can get it done.

“[Movie producer Steven] Spielberg can get a set prepared and we can have Reza crowning himself emperor of Iran, all the while sitting in Hollywood.

“Izzy, I tell you Americans won’t bat an eye about rising prices because they are coming at a time when they are relatively well positioned to handle them. And God bless, [prince] Harry and Meghan for their coming baby. Murdoch can get his media drumming up the royal baby’s arrival so there is nothing else for Americans to talk about.

“Izzy, I say much more powerful than the baby, will be the Queen dying. Imagine, the entire America glued to TV watching the Queen’s funeral, the entire America expressing its unbelief that a divorcee is becoming the queen alongside Chuck… don’t we call Charles that here.

“Indeed God did get Trump elected to make Israel the greatest forever. The way he closed the Jerusalem case… the Golan Heights issue… the West Bank is being made history… ah Gaza… it’ll be gone sooner than we can imagine.

Zardri continues, “Yes, Sherry, indeed God forbid. Why did this NAB wake up so late? Now they have discovered that I can tamper the evidence because of the influence I yield. Wow… they never heard, how I disappeared the Swiss case evidence.

“Silly fools are telling the court that I am not cooperating with them in the probe. Do they think that Asif Ali Zardari is an idiot?

“Money and Asif Ali Zardari cannot be parted…”

Raja Pervez Ashraf, popularly known as ‘Raja Rental’ for his role in making money through contracting rental power companies, interrupts, “My beloved and honorable leader, may our Immortal Leader Zulfikar Ali Bhutto always bless you, it is your love and caring that I have made enough at least for a few generations. I am worried for you and all our friends and family, who have benefitted from your largesse, this news that NAB has hired Naeem Bukhari to prosecute cases against the Sharifs is disconcerting to say the least. He is the same Naeem Bukhari who sent Nawaz Sharif to jail.”

Zardari continues, “My dear Raja Pervez don’t worry at all. Asif Zardari knows how to beat the system. NAB gave me its questionnaire and gave me 10 days to submit my response. Did I send anything to them? Will I send them anything? Finally, they will file a case to get the response, and I will keep postponing the case.

“Yes, I will like to rule Pakistan… oh, with all this news about offshore oil, who will not like to rule this country? I will find a will of our Immortal Leader Bhutto and declare that this oil solely belongs to his three grandchildren. The people will love it!

“You see how I have set Bilawal to keep attacking Imran Khan that wants to dismiss the 18th Amendment and that he wants to bring One Unit system. I told him to keep repeating that Imran Khan wants to split the country, which would mean that he wants to equate himself with our Immortal Leader, the martyred Zulfikar Ali Khan who helped kick out East Pakistan from the federation.

“In fact, if the NAB does anything to me, I will declare the independence of Sindh.

“No, this is not all, you see how I have announced that the time has come to send the rulers packing. Our beloved liberals and secularists in the media are doing a fantastic job at constantly attacking Imran Khan. They are doing a great job at demoralizing the people.

“See, my care for the media is paying back… I always share the gifts. The media made money, and I made money with all those government ads.

“Don’t worry! No one can touch Asif Ali Zardari. Yes, I can see the Sharifs lowering their interest in regaining their throne, but don’t my children own the throne originally?

“I will ask, Farooq [Naek] to do at least this much and get all my cases transferred to Lahore High Court… the judges there are such a beauty.

“I tell you that if I did not dislodge the government then the coming generations would not forgive me. If Imran Khan is allowed to stay, the country would suffer and no political party would be able to recover. Imagine, people will start thinking that corruption is bad for them… bad for the country.

“I am doing it… our beloved liberal and secular media is doing it; we are educating the people that corruption does not hinder progress. I mean just look at me… look at you… has our corruption stalled our progress?

Sindh High Court’s rejection of Asif Zardari and Faryal Talpur’s pleas against transfer of money laundering case against them to Islamabad, has thrust Bilawal House, Karachi, is in a state of panic. Zardari and his three children are dressed in mourning colors.

The servants brigade at the residence is the target of temper tantrums of not only the four but also the temper tantrums of his sister Faryal Talpur and her family.

Not only that but also the news of Omni Group chief financial officer Arif Khan’s arrest in Dubai in the money-laundering case being investigated by the FIA.

Zardari has summoned his lawyers and party leaders. Present are his lawyers Farooq H. Naek and Lateef Khosa, his children, Bilawal, Bakhtawar and Aseefa, and party stalwarts, national assembly member Khursheed Shah, Maj. Gen. Farhatulah Babar, who was national security minister in Benazir’s cabinet; senator Sherry Rahman, and national assembly member Dr. Nafisa Shah.

Zardari’s stress level can be gauged from the count of overburdened ashtrays and empty bottles of Chivas Regal standing in front of him.

Zardari, turns his face toward his lawyers and booms, “Who gave you law degrees! How are you in practice for such a long time? Why didn’t you file our case with the Lahore High Court? Didn’t you see the soft-gloves treatment meted out in Lahore to Shehbaz Sharif?

“It is like a war out there. You saw that, NAB questioned our [former prime minister Yusuf Raza] Gilani that why he let me have the two bulletproof BMW 760s that UAE had gifted to Pakistan. Crazy! Awful. Man that beautiful man was prime minister of Pakistan! He could have given me the State Bank. Isn’t it the ruler’s prerogative? And what proof… I paid their customs duty through what-they-are calling ‘fake accounts’.

“Whatever, they can’t get a penny from Asif Ali Zardari?

“Yes, his is why they have brought the case to Islamabad. It is attack on the 18th Amendment. The provinces are free to act and they could not have even moved a hair if this case was in Sindh.

“The rejection of my case is damaging. See how NAB (National Accountability Bureau) is advancing toward me very tactfully. Now they have obliged Younas Khudwani to agree to a deal. They nominated him in this case of ours and he offered Rs 600 million. Wow… this man is the real softie.

“They are holding Arif Khan [secretary of Omni Group] and they are after my [foster] brother Owais [Muzzafar alias Tappi, living in Dubai]. Arif is one great guy. A real dealmaker! The way he handled Omni Group’s purchase of 150 apartments in Dubai for mere Rs. 3 billion.

“Thank you God, Nasir Lootah is still safe because without him they can’t get any information about my businesses.

“We have to keep our eyes on Dubai. I am afraid that Shiekh Mohammad [ruler of Dubai] may fall to Imran Khan’s charms; after all he used to take him to the Royal Ascot races [in London].

Aseefa quickly adds, “Dad, why don’t you let Dubai know, if they dare to touch our money or property, we will take it to Switzerland, which is so safe.”

“But what worries me is that they are harassing little girls. Ayyan Ali… such a nice and hardworking girl. She never hesitates carrying a few hundred thousands to Dubai. She is being harassed. Farooq [Naek], you are her lawyer. I heard that they are confiscating her apartment in Karachi… It is just Rs 35 million; and they want to auction it.

“Sherry, I am so glad that all our loyal journalists are doing their jobs so well… Mansoor Ali Khan, Marvi Sirmed, Hamid Mir, Nadeem Malik, Asma Shirazi… they are not letting off in attacking Imran Khan.

“But Farooq [Naek] and Lateef [Khosa], you also had other lawyers with you… Hussain Lawai’s lawyer… Anwar Majeed and Abdul Ghani Majeed’s lawyer, Barrister Jamshed Malik. Why so many lawyers lost our case!

“Sherry, we need a fail safe. Remember I told you that you ask Senator Akbar Khawaja [in Washington, D.C.] to get new birth certificates of my children giving only their mother’s name. Now, I find an opening in Italy. I have learnt that because Mussolini is still respected by a number of Italians, his daughter got her children’s name changed to Mussolini. We need that law. We need to get Zardari out from their names.

“I am not egoistical. I know right now Zardari name is not marketable. But never forget like Jesus died for the sins of Christians, Bhutto died so that we could acquire all we desire.”