Rufus: “Shut up! I can buy and sell your ass!”

Synopsis
When Rufus decides to sell lemonade, he forces the Turks to help him. Will the addicting substance he adds to it help business, or will his new enterprise all come crashing down?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

This ramble is a classic – but I’m not a huge fan of the title. If I was writing it now I definitely would have given it a more clever title.

Anyway, comments on the actual ramble. It starts off with people playing Ergheiz – I bought that game for the FF characters, obviously, but I never really cared for it too much. Sephiroth kind of sucked. And then there’s Lark’s creepy s&m whip that thankfully never really turned up again.

But I love all the stuff with Rufus, the Turks and his addicting lemonade. I especially love when Rufus looks at all of them and then chooses Rude to try it. Poor Rude. Unfortunately the ‘subplot’ that starts off with video games and fades into people sitting around bored and then sleeping leaves a lot to be desired. Also, the later plot with Rufus buying the ramble room and Lark getting upset makes no sense when you think about the fact that it was Rufus’ money that bought the ramble room to begin with. Eh, maybe he signed it over to Lark or something.

(lark, sephiroth, reno, rufus, irvine, vincent, and zell are all in the tv room. lark and sephy are playing erghiez on the playstation. lark’s using tifa and sephy’s using himself)

Lark: “Ha ha! Fire!”

Sephiroth: *struggling with the controls* “Come on! Come on! How do I use the masamune?!”

Rufus: *pours a glass and hands it to rude grinning* “Old Uncle Rufus’ Homemade Lemonade. Guaranteed to put a smile on your face!”

Reeve: *mumbles* “And a dent in your wallet.”

Rufus: “See! I told you he wouldn’t die!”

Rude: “Can I have some more?”

Elena: “Oh no! That addicting stuff is affecting his mind!”

Rufus: “All the better!” *pours rude another glass* “Now back to work! I want enough to sell in two hours! Then we’re taking this stuff to the streets!” *grins* “Soon I will overtake the world of sidewalk lemonade stands!”

Reno: *mutters* “Five year olds beware.”

Rufus: “Shut up! I can buy and sell your ass!”

(back in the tv room… everyone’s sitting around looking bored. Since there wasn’t enough room for everyone on the couch, Lark’s on Irvine’s lap)

Selphie: “Sure!” *she pays, gets her glass and drinks it down* “Wow! This is really good!”

Rufus: “Would you like another? It’s only 20 gil.”

(while she’s paying and buying another glass, cid and barret come over with red on a leash)

Barret: “Yo! It’s a great day to be walkin’ this here cat/dog, ain’t it, Cid?”

Cid: “@#$%^&!”

Rufus: “Say! Would you gentlemen like some lemonade?”

Barret: “Lemonade?! What do we look like, pansies?!”

Cid: “@#$%”

Red: “Please help me.”

Rufus: “It’s really good!”

Barret: “Yo! We only drink alcohol!”

Rufus: “Why this is just as good as alcohol! Just ask Rude!” *puts a hand on rude’s shoulder*

Rude: “Yes. Very good.” *drinks more*

Rufus: “See! Our lemonade is just as good as alcohol!”

Reno: *mutters* “And twice as addicting.” *gets hit in the back by rufus* “OW!”

Barret: “Well….awright. How much do I gotta pay?”

Rufus: “Only a gil each!”

(barret and cid pay up and drink it down)

Barret: “Yo! That ain’t half bad!”

Cid: “@#$%^!”

Barret: “I’ll have another!”

Rufus: “Great! 20 gil.”

Barret: “20 gil?! You blood suckin’ Shinra! I shoulda known there’d be some catch with you!”

Cid: “#$$%@$%$%!%$#%@#$$%%@$!!”

Rufus: *shrugs* “Suit yourself.” *holds a glass up enticingly*

Barret: *licks lips* “Well…”

Cid: “@#%@….”

Barret: “I guess one more glass can’t hurt.” *grabs twenty gil and reaches for the glass, dropping the leash*

Red: “I’m free! I’m free!” *runs away, getting his paws tangled in the leash* “Aw, dammit.” *tries to get unstuck but it just gets worse* “This is terrible. I should have known.” *clears throat* “Can I have some help here?” *pause* “Please?” *no one even looks over* “Ugh.” *hangs head* “It’s a terrible thing to be me.”

Reno: “I wish he would stop telling us that.”

Reeve: “We really have to sell this stuff…?”

Elena: “I’m thirsty.” *goes to drink some*

Tseng: *grabs it away* “No! Don’t drink it! Do you want to get like Rude?”

(everyone looks over at rude, who’s downing glass after glass)

Elena: *sweat drops* “Guess not.”

Selphie: “I’ll have some more!”

Reeve: “That’s your fifth glass!”

Barret: “Yo! Give Cid ‘n me another hit too!”

Tseng: *sweat drops* “Everyone……I’m scared of Rufus.”

Reeve: “Me too…..”

(meanwhile….back in the tv room……well, there’s nothing happening. everyone is fast asleep. zell is snoring loudly, irvine’s asleep, arms around lark, who’s asleep on his lap. sephiroth’s got his head in lark’s lap as he sleeps, and Vincent’s asleep with his head on irvine’s shoulder…that’s about it.)

(meanwhile…some time later…the Turks and Reeve are scrambling to fill the orders of about 20 or so people clamoring around the stand. all but rude that is. he’s just calmly sitting there, sipping a lemonade.)

Tseng: *edges away* “Reeve….darling….can you *please* get the lemonade for the nice people??”

Elena: *freezes, thinks, then turns to tseng* “Did you just call him darling?”

Tseng: *sweat drops* “No.”

Reno: *fending off barret with his nightstick* “What’s the problem!?!?!”

Reeve: “Uh………..we’re out of lemonade.”

(tseng, elena and reno turn to look at him)

Tseng: *pales* “You’re joking.”

Reeve: *waves empty pitcher* “Uh…..no.”

Reno: “Well this sucks!”

Elena: “What are we going to do!?”

Reno: “Let’s just kill them!”

Elena: “What are you, Sephiroth!?”

Tseng: “We’re dead. This is the end.”

Rude: *gets up* “I have to go to the bathroom.”

Selphie: “Ooh! Me too!”

(the whole crowd of lemonade addicts run off while the rest of the turks and reeve watch in shock)

Reeve: “…..Well that did it.”

Reno: “The toilet is the best invention ever!”

Elena: *gives him a weird look* “Ew!”

Reno: “What! It just saved your life!”

Elena: “Stop it!” *covers ears* “Tseng! Make him stop!”

Tseng: *sighs* “Elena….”

Elena: *hangs head* “Sorry.”

(rufus comes outside)

Rufus: “Hey! What happened? Where is everyone?! You all suck! You’re fired! You’re–” *stops abruptly as elena holds up a huge jar overflowing with money* “…..Money!” *runs over and hugs it* “I love you!”

(the rest of the turks and reeve edge away)

Rufus: *looks up* “But what happened?! Where did the customers go?!” *shakes reno* “You didn’t tell them I put a highly illegal substance in there did you?! Cause I didn’t! Technically it was you guys! You made it!”

Tseng: “….That stuff is highly illegal?” *gulp*

Rufus: *releases reno, runs a hand through his hair nonchalantly* “No….it was a slip of the tongue.”

Reeve: “We ran out of lemonade. The guys were rebelling until they all had to go to the bathroom and ran off.”

Reno: “I think we should have national toilet day at Shinra in honor that it was *that* which saved our lives.”

Elena: “Ew! Stop it! You only like the toilet cause you’re always puking into it!”

Rufus: “You ran out of lemonade! Why didn’t you buy more?!”

Turks and Reeve: *sweat drops*

Reno: “….I don’t like that look.”

Reeve: “I say we run as fast as we can.”

Rufus: “I am a genius! That’s just it! You’re mine! To get more money…I’ll sell you guys!”

Reno: *mutters* “He’s cracked.”

Tseng: “Isn’t that illegal?”

(rude returns)

Rufus: “Rude! You’re just in time!”

Rude: *blinks* “Is there any more lemonade?”

(meanwhile….back in the tv room….no news there….everyone is still asleep. have a nice day)

(meanwhile….back outside….rufus has set up a kind of auction block all the turks are frozen in place)

Reno: “Whoever gave him him the stop materia is going to die.”

Reeve: “It was his birthday!”

Reno: “He doesn’t need *gifts*! The bastard owns everything!”

Reeve: “I was *trying* to be nice!”

Reno: “Well…stop.”

Rufus: *rubs his hands together* “Who’s ready for the auction?” *pulls out some esuna materia. looks at his frozen friends* “Okay, I’m going to unfreeze you. But if you try to run, I’m going to use toad on you.”

Reno: *growls* “Reeve…..”

Reeve: “I’ve learned my lesson!”

(rufus unfreezes them just as the lemonade junkies return)

Selphie: “Did you make more?!”

Rufus: “No, but I have something better!”

Barret: “This better not involve no reactors!”

Rufus: “Nope! It involves my employees!” *grabs reeve and drags him onto the block* “Now, what bids do I have for this….” *looks reeve over* “…guy.”

Zell: *jumps up, attack position* “I’ll kill it!”

Shell: “Not you! My sister!” *shakes her awake* “Lark!”

Sephiroth: “Stupid woman.”

Shell: “Lark, we have a problem.”

Lark: “Sephiroth was here the whole time.”

Shell: “No! It involves Rufus!”

Lark: “Rufus? What could *he* have possibly done?”

Shell: “Well he was selling lemonade but Reno told me he put an addicting substance in it to keep people coming back, so he made a ton of money off that and when he ran out of lemonade he started selling his employees – and he made so much money that he *bought* the ramble room!”

Lark: *jaw drops* “He *bought* MY ramble room?!”

Shell: *backs up, nodding* “Uh huh….”

Lark: *disturbingly calm* “Nonsense. I will speak with Mr. Shinra and straighten this matter out.” *gets up and leaves. everyone watches*

Irvine: “That was a little odd.”

Vincent: “….Eerie.”

Zell: “Rufus is gonna get his ass whooped!”

Shell: *sighs* “I better go tend to Rude.”

Irvine: “Why? What’s wrong?”

Shell: “He got hooked on that lemonade….getting over it is like going cold on crack.” *exits*

Zell: “………..Sucks to be him.”

Sephiroth: “I want to know what she’s doing to Rufus. Let’s go spy.”

(they all leave)

(rufus has modified the ramble room slightly. He’s added a desk for himself and he’s sitting there when Lark enters, dressed in a really slutty outfit. She goes over to rufus desk and sits on the edge. He’s busy filling out papers and doesn’t look up)

Lark: “Hi, Rufus.”

Rufus: *writing* “Hello, Lark.”

Lark: “I heard you bought my ramble room.”

Rufus: “I’m in the process of doing so. But don’t worry. You and the others can still pay to hang out here. Well, except Sephiroth. I don’t want him around.”

Lark: “Hmmm….is that so?” *she leans over across the desk* “I don’t think you want to do that.”

This is it. Seriously.

These are my rambles. I don't write them anymore. They were insane and crazy fun to write, but they are over.
However.
I can't seem to take them off the internet. So here they rest, for the long foreseeable future, for anyone who still might get a chuckle out of them.

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