Q: My ex-husband I were married for 24 years, and he cheated on me several times. Now I’m in a relationship with a great guy for two years, but I don’t trust that he won’t cheat on me. I feel like I'm not good enough and no one really loves me. How do I trust people going forward?

-Renee B.

A: Hi Renee,

I’m always happy to read stories where someone who has been jilted in the past finds love again. Your story will give hope to all of those who are currently living the nightmare that you once experienced. I might add that your current lack of trust in your new man is also a common reaction. As I see it, two possible causes for your mistrust immediately jump out at me.

The first one is called State-Dependent Memory. This simply means that certain situations and emotions have specific thoughts and memories attached to them. In your case, as you begin to feel comfortable in your new relationship, your mind recalls all the memories of what happened the last time you felt this way, which results in worry and angst.

The other cause of your mistrust may be found in your statement “I feel like I’m not good enough and no one really loves me.” Low self-esteem and a poor self-image create all kinds of negative and catastrophic thinking. If this is at the heart of your fear and discontent, I strongly recommend counseling, because it appears that your past experience is unjustly interfering with your present relationship. Short-term counseling would help you to separate the past from the present, recapture your ability to trust again and give you the peace of mind that you deserve. Counseling will also help you to directly address these lingering fears that are triggered by State-Dependent Memory.