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Hoes, Hats & A Heavily Autotuned New Single: It’s Like Chris Brown Wants Us To Hate Him

Love him or hate him, you’re bound to have an opinion on the guy by now. Chris Brown has been all over the internet, tabloids and our radio stations ever since first becoming a person of interest in the late 00’s.

Conveniently for Chris, he’s a proactive kinda guy, constantly doing things and keeping himself busy so that people have something to talk about. Among Breezy extra-curricular activities he can proudly display such scout badges as domestic abuse, assault and, the pride of his collection, some pretty slick dance moves.

Yes, ‘Breezy’ does a lot to ensure that his career is always on the move.

After his past run-ins with the law, is Chris now a better guy for it all? Has a figure of such intense public scorn become one of the good guys? Is it now ok to want Chris Brown to beat you up? The answer to all of these is a resounding “NO“.

This is the same guy that nearly battered Rihanna’s face beyond recognition, throws insanely homophobic remarks around on twitter like they’re his fists and has inspired lyrics like “Just got rich/ Took a broke nigga bitch/ I can make a broke bitch rich/ But I don’t fuck with broke bitches“. That’s some straight up poetry, man.

Still, the past is the past and that is where it stays, right? Anyone is only as strong as their latest piece of work and “Loyal” is a weak piece. My reasons for this are fivefold.

1) “You thought it was over?”

Seriously, who said it was over? I’ll give him this much; the kid has come back from a lot of shit surrounding him time and again. Still, I don’t remember anyone saying that his career was finished for good. “Loyal” stands at just under four million views right now. Not exactly figures showing you’re in decline, are they?

2) Hoes ain’t loyal”

The chorus is basically saying that when you have no money and a person with money turns your girl’s, or hoe’s, head, she will invariably leave. Mate, if these are the kind of women you’re surrounding yourself with, who’s fault is that?

3) Auto-tune really should be dead by now

It’s 2014 and people are still using auto-tune like they’re T-Pain. It wasn’t cool, innovative or interesting when he used it. This horrific computer programme just needs to be put out to pasture for good. Music Industry, just kill it now.

4) Bucket Hats Are The Worst Thing

A trawl of internet blogs came back with a resounding answer; people hate bucket hats. I hate bucket hats, too. They make the wearer look like a kid who’s parents abandoned them at the beach and, by wearing it everyday since, they’re hoping to be reunited when they spot that stupid thing atop your head. Brown looks like a reject from Saved By The Bell. Not cool, man, not cool.

5) The Kid Can Still Dance

This is probably the thing that gets me most. As much as I hate him, and his stupid eyebrows, he has definitely got some moves. There are a million, no hyperbole here, GIFs out there showing Chris’ sweet moves. He continues to showcase what his feet can do in “Loyal”. Maybe, he can get out of prison early on good behaviour if he teaches a dance class?