Monday, August 31, 2009

[a jaded viewer disclaimer: this list is all in good fun, why so serious?][this list brought to you by the warped mind of Insano Steve, who would like you to know it took 2 motherfuckin hours to compile this list for your fuckin reading pleasure. So the least you cats could do is leave a comment, you know what I'm sayin?]

When people think of blaxploitation, they usually think of the 1970s. However, there was a decade that was every bit as good a decade for black cinema. Let's go back to a simpler time.

A time when being black still scared some white people. An innocent time when crime and violence were still glorified. A time when movies were made as an afterthought to the soundtrack. Oh yes, a time when going to see a black movie meant possibly risking being shot to death. Hells yeah, I'm talking about the nineteen mother-fucking nineties!

And here are the 10 Best Black Films Of The 1990s (in descending order, yknow what im sayin):

10.) Juice (1992)

A lot of white people made fun of Juice's tagline: "Juice. How far will you go to get it?".

Back in '92, there were still phrases black people used that were foreign to the white man. Not so much these days. There's pretty much no distinction between black culture and mainstream culture now. Oh well.

Juice starred Tupac and Omar Epps (in his first role) as teenage thugs in Harlem. Tupac totally rocks the Gumby haircut in this movie. This is one of many movies where Tupac plays a psycho thug and dies in the end. Hmmm.

Epps plays a thug that wants to reform (as he does in every other movie). It's crazy to believe Epps is playing a doctor on TV these days.

Way to go Dr. Epps! Soundtrack badly outsold the movie.

9.) Class Act (1992)

People usually associate Kid 'N Play with the House Party movies but this was actually their best film.

Kid plays super-nerd Duncan Pinderhughes and Play is super-thug Blade Brown. They both have to switch identities with each other for some silly reason and comedy ensues. Kid cut off his iconic super high top fade in this movie. That may or may not have ended the career of Kid 'N Play, since Kid's hair was at least 60% of their appeal.

The last that we've seen of Kid 'N Play was in a recent State Farm commercial where LeBron James makes fun of them. LeBitch likes to make fun of easy targets like Kid 'N Play, Soulja Boy, and Bobby Brown.

Tough guy, that LeBronze James. Hey, was it Soulja Boy that got Youtubed by some guy off the street? Was it Kid 'N Play that got smoked by the Orlando Magic? Nope, that was "King" James. Hey LeFraud, how does Hedo Turkoglu's ass taste?

8.) The Walking Dead (1995)

Yeah, nobody but me saw this shit. This aint even on DVD. Imagine that, in this day and age.

Only movie on the list not taking place in da ghetto. I guess maybe people were getting tired of that, so they made this movie about black GIs in the Vietnam War. In the hands of a good director/writer, this could've been a great movie. As it was, it still is a great black movie.

The only even semi-famous person in this was Eddie Griffin, who was freaking hilarious. Apparently, bruthas in the Vietnam War spoke exactly like bruthas in the 1990s, or so it was in this movie. Every other word in the dialogue is 'mother fucker'.

Lots of Charlie are slaughtered. Lots of bruthas are slaughtered. Lots of low budget explosions. Lots of graphic deaths. Lots of "yo, this aint my war".

The message: If you never been to Vietnam, don't never come to Vietnam. Cause you wouldn't understand Vietnam, so stay the fuck out of Vietnam!

7.) Gridlock'd (1997)

This is only sort of a black movie. I mean about half of the cast is black. But in our culture, we round up in such cases (i.e., Obama) .

Tupac and Tim Roth play musicians trying to kick their heroin addiction in fucked up Detroit. But they find that difficult to do because social/health services in America are a fucking mess. This was a real unique movie because, it's a black comedy and it's also a black comedy (if you know what I mean).

Tupac proves in this movie that he can actually act. The end scene, where Tim Roth has to intentionally stab Tupac so that he can be admitted to a hospital and get off the streets, is one of my favorite scenes ever.

The director, Vondie Curtis Hall, went on to make Waist Deep (aka, the best black movie of the 21st century).

6.) Boyz 'N The Hood (1991)

This is the movie that started all the South Central gangsta drive-by cap-in-yo-ass movies. Just about the coolest shit ever (at the time), it has lost some appeal over the years.

Mainly because, it's hard to even think of Cuba Gooding as a black man these days. Ice Cube has sold out pretty hard as well. And Morris Chestnut seemed kinda silly even at the time. But hey, if this is on TV, I'm still gonna watch.

Personal favorite scene is when the paralyzed gangsta helps out with their gangsta shit. It's a shame what's happened these days to black movies (Thanks for exactly nothing Tyler Perry). And to hip hop (Fuck you Puffy. I hate. You are worst than 1,000 white rappers combined).

Or even black fashion (Have you noticed? Black people dress like white hipsters now. How did this happen? I blame Kanye West).

Obama needs to do something quickly. The black youth of America needs heroes!

5.) Fear Of A Black Hat (1994)

I was a little hesitant to put this one on the list because basically it's a satire of almost every other movie on this list. But this was just too damn good to be left off. Copying the fake documentary style of 'Spinal Tap', but instead follows the life of the rap group 'NWH' (aka Niggaz With Hatz).

This parodies everything you could think of from 90s black culture, and hits on almost every one. Basically, a much better version of the Wayan's satire 'Dont Drink Your Juice....". NWH features lead MC, Ice Cold, who's a combination of Chuck D and Luther Campbell (if that makes any sense).

Then there's hype-man, Tasty Taste, who's half Flavor Flav, half Treach (um, yeah). The actor who plays Tasty Taste also played the gay black nerd from 'Revenge of the Nerds', so that's awesome.

And finally, there's the DJ, Tone Def, who is like PM Dawn on a turntable. One of the best satires ever, though sadly not many people know of it. Please, see this shit.

4.) Belly (1998)

Actually this was more like a 90 minute music video. This was director, Hype Williams, only movie (he just makes music videos).

In a DVD commentary, Williams' only regret was not making the sex scenes more graphic! The 'actors' in this movie were Nas and DMX, who were 2 of the biggest rappers at the time. They play gangstas that, of course, are trying to reform. Nas decides he wants go back to Africa (?!?!?) and DMX turns to Islam (which would seem to go against non-violence).

It's kinda hard to watch DMX act, since just like when he's rapping, everything he says sounds like a dog barking. Everything comes across as angry. But it's as entertaining as hell.

Meanwhile, all of the thoughtful 'message' scenes goes to Nas. The most memorable scene is when Nas gets out of his Bentley (dressed in gold chains and big mink fur coat) and tells a young gangsta "Yo kid, crime don't pay yo. You need to go to college and shit", and then gets back in the Bentley. Yeah, this is deep.

Watch this movie, and afterward, you'll be thinking about life and shit. Yo.

3.) Friday (1995)

My favorite black comedy of all time. Definitely the movie that I've seen most times on this list. If you're reading this, you've likely seen it at least 5 times.

Craig, Smokey, Mr. Jones, Debo, Big Worm, miscellaneous hos/bitches and crackheads. Everything in this was perfect. Honestly, if you didn't like Friday, you suck.

It's too bad that Chris Tucker never made another good movie. Though, I also liked the second Friday, and to a lesser extent, the third Friday.

If they could've combined Smokey with Day-Day in the same movie, that would've been sick. I almost feel bad not having this higher on the list, but alas, nobody really died in this, and that's what's really important about the black movie experience.

2.) Menace II Society (1993)

God damn, what can I say. When I think of glorified poverty and crime and violence, this is the first thing I think of. So much gangsta shit, it's hard to even summarize.

My favorite (and probably everybody else's favorite scenes) were: 1) O-Dog killed the Koreans in the beginning, 2) O-Dog killing the crackhead (so funny), 3) the over the top racist cops, 4) A-Wax killing that fool at the hot dog parking lot ("Hey homey, you need help?"), and most infamously of all 5) Caine jacking that guy at the McDonalds drive-thru. Good times all around.

This was the movie where people were killed at the movie's premiere, so you know it's gotta be good. It's a shame that Caine really fell off the map after this movie. O-Dog would be in a lot of movies, but not as any character even close to O-Dog.

Even the directors, the Hughes Brothers, didn't make anything like ever again. I think all parties concerned knew this was the ultimate black gangsta movie. Nobody will ever touch this shit, so why even bother?

1.) Above The Rim (1994)

Good black movies should have many things: crime, glorified violence, poverty, sex, Tupac, excessive swearing, drug use, comedy (intentional and otherwise), and a great soundtrack. Well, Above The Rim's got all those things .... and it's got basketball! That, put's it over the top.

From the opening scene where a brutha literally dies trying to dunk, to the end when Kyle ends up in Georgetown (Iverson anyone?), there's isn't a bad scene in the whole film. Plus, that soundtrack is awesome.

Tupac plays the over the top drug dealer 'Birdie' who agressively recruits basektball prodigy, Kyle, to be on his intramural team (the aptly named 'Birdmen'). Marlon Wayans plays 'Boogaloo', Kyle's friend and comic relief. Leon plays Birdie's brother (not brutha), who helps Kyle resist the temptation of the gangsta life. Bernie Mac plays a bum, that Birdie ends up killing, just because. Tupac steals the show here, and eats up every scene he's in.

Also showing out is Birdie's henchman (and power forward), Motaw, who commits about 20 flagrant fouls in the final game (none of which are called). The basketball scenes are pretty decent here (not as good as 'He Got Game', but a way better film overall).

My personal favorite scene was in the end, after Kyle beats Birdie's team, and Motaw pulls out a gun and attempts to shoot just about everybody in Harlem, but is gunned down by undercover cops (wow, cops can be good guys!).

Another memorable scene is when Boogaloo shoots Birdie dead in the end. That's damn surreal when you watch it now. Though technically, this is not as good as 'Menace', you really can't watch 'Menace' too many times, as it can be a little depressing. That's not the case here.

You can't turn away when this is on. That's why this is the best black movie of the 1990s.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Well here's a first on the jaded viewer. We're giving something away! As The Final Destination comes out today, I figure it would be appropriate enough to give away the 3rd installment of this series. Yup, this is the one with the roller coaster that goes off track and kills those pesky kids.

Mind you this is a DVD that I bought that I'm giving away (not new or anything but still in top notch condition as I only watched it once). Why did I only watch it once? Funny story.

I was in the airport in San Francisco on my way home to NYC when I figured I'd buy a DVD to watch on my laptop on my flight back. Scouring those DVD stores in the airport, I figured I needed a horror flick to pass the time and with nothing really jumpin at me, and the fact I wanted to finish up the series, I bought this flick.

I popped it in and sitting next to my right was a very attractive woman and to my left, a very nice soccer mom. With my headphones in, I popped in the DVD and started watching the flick. They asked me what I was watching and I told them. Initially shocked by the coaster carnage they both we're intrigued by the flick and wanted to watch the rest.

Lo and behold, these ladies we're diggin the flick! They asked me to turn the volume up and watched the rest of the movie with me and my snarky MST3K comments.

Who knew a soccer mom and a hottie dug the horror!?!? I figure this one viewing was memorable enough.

If I was watching the first flick, they would have probably thought I was psycho and disturbed.

So for this contest, it's pretty simple. Pick a number from 1 to 500, leave a comment with the number you've chosen and the number closest to the number I've prechosen gets the DVD.

Maybe I should put some rules in. You can't pick the same number somebody has already chosen. And if you follow me on Twitter, you're allowed to pick one additional number.

Cool?

So what's the goodies on this 2 disc Special Edition DVD?

"Kill Shot: The Making of Final Destination 3"

"Dead Teenager Movie" Featurette

"It's All Around You" animated short

Audio Commentary

Trailer, TV Spots, Alternate Endings, DVD ROM features

Contest will last until September 10th (Thursday) at midnight and I'll announce the winner on Friday 9/11.

Good luck to all!

**UPDATE**I meant to end this on 9/17 (Thursday) rather than 9/18. Oops my bad. Deadline is 9/17 at midnight! There is still time to enter!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

I'll be honest, I was a wee lad when Screwballs came out in 1983. When I hit my teens, I rented all the classics: Fast Times, Last..Virgin, Porkys, Private School, etc. The one thing about video rental stores back then (mine was called Flagship Video) was that they'd rent anything to anybody.

I gotta admit, I missed seeing this one during my VHS rental days. So I'm glad Severin Films finally released this classic sex comedy on DVD (and on glorious Blu Ray). Seeing an 80s teen sex comedy brings back memories of seeing boobies for the first time on the screen. It's a turning point in a kid's life. You'll always remember your first pair of boobies from the movies.

Thank goodness for Screwballs because there's a ton of em in this flick.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

(From IMDB)Starting a new tradition of sex comedy, T & A High School, five boys meet in the detention room thanks to the evil virgin princess urity Busch. RICK - dressed as a doctor and gave breast exams to the high school new comers. BRENT - sexually teased Purity in French class. MELVIN - caught masterbating in the meat locker. HOWIE - rearranged the mirrors in order to see up the skirts of cheerleaders after practice. And TIM - tricked into entering the girls watchroom. Each one fooled by Purity. They want revenge. Each one makes a packed to deflower the virgin, but all have failed. Their only chance is to work together with others of the school to get her at the homecoming game

Awesome Review-O-Matic

If your a Gen X-er, you grew up in a time before the Internet, before cable and before you had any access to porn. I grew up during this time and it was hard to see any nudity whatsover. So when Porkys was released, it turned the teen sex comedy into a gold mine. And luckily for everybody else, we got see to see some serious T&A every few months.

Screwballs comes from canuckland, which was funded by the Canadian government and produced by the b-movie auteur Roger Corman cha chinged Screwballs for the American teen audience.Screwballs follows the same formula that would be the staple for this genre. Bunch of horny teen dudes want to score some sex and peek some boobies. The dudes are your stereotypical class society high school reps.

Each of them gets Republican-ized by Purity Bush (what a name), a blonde bombshell, uncorrupted and hot. They all soon go all Mission Impossible to try to score with her and get a look at those glorious boobies.

The plot is really filler, because most of Screwballs is the insanity of the situations so that we, the audience get to see some grade A boobies. So what are these situations? Here be your Nude-ipedia

1.) Rick gets to see some freshman boobies playing doctor2.) Howie's plan to see Purity has him seeing girl boobies by the pool3.) Howie shoots and scores some boobies at a drive in4.) Nude bowling5.) Purity's glorious boobies are revealed at the very end

That's just a areola tip of the nude-ipedia.

There are also a couple of goofy, cartoony like scenes that make the action go POW! BOOM! UHHH! VROOM! One of our goofy posse gets a bowling ball stuck in his [HONK!] Others have a near riot at a Drive In and some close moments at Purity's house.

All in all, it's a classic in a sense that the sexual innuendos, the goofy visual jokes and the super duper boob shots are all hitting the right notes. With this genre coming back in the 21st century, it's always good to see what started it all.

Thanks to a cool anonymous reader, a good solid list of where to start can be found here (check out the comments).

It was so hard back then to see nudity. Now it's as easy as clicking a button. Just another leap for mankind.

WTF moment

The boobies of Purity seen around the world

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Screwballs is now released on DVD and you can order the regular DVD or Blu Ray on Amazon.com. Thanks to Severin Films for sending me a screener of this classic.

An Interview with Canuxspoitation Scholar (this was very informative as we learn the Canadian government thru some tax loopholes was solely responsible for birth the "balls" comedies and even Cronenberg's first films!)

Mr. Skin Talks Sex Comedies of the 80s (I didn't even know what these dudes looked like, and their commentary is quite funny and retrospectivy)

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

After going to watch a movie theater this past weekend, I wanted to talk about what's it like to go see a movie. Be it if you're in a small town or big city, I believe we all have at one point gone though the same experience. These are just things that happen to all of us, and it just fucks shit up.

First, I'll start off with a list of people who annoy the fuck out of me when I got to a movie in a theater. These are the people who need to be boiled with oil.

1.) The dude who doesn't know how to use the automated ticket vendy machine2.) The people who talk about the movie they've just seen as they come out of the theater somehow ruining it for the people on line for the same movie3.) The dude who orders the fuckin big ass tub of lard popcorn4.) The schmucks who look aimlessly for a seat for 4, 5 minutes before the movie starts in the packed auditorium of a movie that premieres that night5.) The girl who starts a phone conversation during the first 10 minutes6.) The guy who Twitters during the movie7.) The "I'm saving this entire row of seats" with my backpack guy8.) The people who sit in the middle row and get up every 20 minutes9.) The guy who sits next to you, interrupts your conversation and spills his fuckin movie trivia knowledge10.) The "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" people

There are so many more, I may need to make a separate list. In any case, the meat and potatoes of this post is the 5 types of moviegoers who see horror movies. Well, I started noticing what the typical horror audience is made up of. The list below are all the types you'll encounter when you see your next horror movie (be on the lookout for these people when you see the 3D megapocalypse The Final Destination).

So without further interruption...here be the list

5.) The Joe and Joanna

Who are they? These are your typical, regular Joe and Joanna Schmo moviegoer. Probably on their standard issue Friday night date, they have no idea what movie they are going to see when they arrive at the theater. These are the people on line waiting for popcorn and are constantly looking around for people they know. They will probably eat at TGIF or Chilis after the movie and 5 minutes after watching the movie will not remember how it ended.

4.) The Tweens

Who are they? Yes, the tweens. This is the main target group for Hollywood and why the PG-13 horror movie exists. Generation Y, as they are also known as, pretty much decide what's a successful horror movie and what will go straight to DVD in a few weeks. The reason why they have so much power? Because they can Facebook and Twitter their positive or negative reaction in a nano-second. They come in droves, possibly 3-6 tweeny girls and usually 2-4 tweeny boys using their weekly allowance to shift the box office as they please. You can notice them as they usually arrive 3 hours before their movie starts (they usually hang out by the arcade machines). The boys love awesome kills and gratuitous nudity, the girls thought they were seeing Twilight with gore.

3.) The Jabronis

Who are they? The jabronis are the largest group of movie goers. They will see utter shit and like it. These are the people who are the mindless zombies (see above), sneak into every comedy, action movie and they avoid drama's and intellectual films like they have SARS. They usually sit in the back back back row of the theater, speak and laugh loudly and have to be "Shhhhh"-ed.They are solely responsible for the box office numbers being completely out of control. Not internet saavy at all, they are coerced into seeing movies only through the posters on buses and subways and because of those 30 secon spots on MTV and BET. Some are partially illiterate.

2.) The Geeks

Who are they? Internet fandom at its finest. They've watched all the trailers, know who the directors, writers and CGI people are and are dedicated to their studios ("I love Rogue!). They've seen every Romero movie and find nothing wrong with Diary of the Dead. The geeks are solely responsible for making Cloverfield a hit. They come to the theater 30 minutes before the movie starts and wait patiently on line. They are so hyped, they pop a few Ritalins to calm the fuck down. They steal the Real D glasses hoping to use it for their next 3D extravaganza. They've plastered posters and have extensive DVD collections. These are the people who comment on every major horror site (including mine..thanks!)

1.) The Core

Who are they? Well the core is short for the "hardcore" fans. Simply said, they are like me. People so dedicated to horror, they run their own horror blogs. These people know their shit, inside and out. They comment all over the horror-sphere and make fun of people who don't follow horror. They are the purists, the "why are they fuckin raping my horror childhood"? peeps. These are the people who arrive an hour before the movie starts, checking out Bloody Disgusting while waiting on line. They've attended all the major horror conventions, some have made fan trailers and have done extensive homework on the horror movie they are about to watch. These are the movie fans who can know who the killer is 10 minutes in, point out obscure references and laugh at the "inside jokes" the director decided to make. They secretly control what may be remade because Hollywood sees what movies we've created cult followings for and exploits the shit out of it. The core-ists have attended Comic Con and have subscriptions to Fangoria. The core knows all about the obscure, indie horror movies and tries to convince the geeks to watch them. People come to the core for information and really do want to know what they think. We're the core. Nuff said.

So next time you're at the theater watching a horror movie, try to see who is in which group and report back what you see. Am I dead on with these types? I am completely way off? Let me know.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

There are times when a movie gets hyped so much, you really start asking is this movie actually going to live up to it? Well, District 9 is one of those movies. I went in clean when I saw this movie. I did not read any reviews, only watched the trailer and had no idea what the aliens really looked like. And what did I discover?

District 9 is an outstanding, awesome flick that does not disappoint.

I was blown away by the story, the believable characters and the mega-uber coolness of the blended CGI. It's been a while since I've seen a movie where the CGI was used in a effective way and actually made a character, a very lobstery prawn that is all CGI display human emotions.

The difference from this WTF list from the G.I. Joe edition is mostly the shit below is the stuff I was amazed by and reasons to see the flick.

Here ya go. Humans you're welcome!

1.) Really? They landed in Johannesburg? Not Des Moines?2.) MESSAGE! You might not have noticed. But D9 is an allegory about apartheid in South Africa.3.) Did you see that Michael Vick-like insect fighting ring?4.) I really love fictional military Blackwater-like companies5.) The war gore is war-tastic!6.) Little prawns are super duper cute!7.) Fun fact! Van Der Mere means typical stupid man in South African8.) How did Wilkus learn to speak alienese? Is their a Rosseta Stone edition for that?9.) I just expected Charlize Theron to show up10.) Look at what you can do for 30 million dollars with existing technology...I'm talking to you James Cameron!11.) I'm going to stock up on cat food in case we are visited from ETs12.) That battle suit Robo-tech Master Chief suit kicked ass13.) Mark my words: Christopher Johnson will have his own sequel14.) The movie is very funny, so funny in fact this could have been a new TV show (ha ha you suck V)15.) When fictional soldiers are being obliterated by scifi high tech weaponry, it gives me a happy16.) D9 is Rambo but with 3rd world aliens being slaves to corporate defense contractors17.) My name is [indistinct clicking noise]. I have the courage to Crave indulgence forthis important business believing that you will never let me down either now or in the future.I only ask for 10 million US dollars.....[oh those crazy Nigerian-alien scams!]18.) I really did feel bad for every prawn killed in D919.) Neill Blomkamp has now entered the geek/fanboy lexicon20.) Peter Jackson vs James Cameron: Peter Jackson is winner!

21.) Wow, an actual summer movie that didn't suck. Yay.

After coming out of the theater, some dude was asking if D9 was good. My friend and I started gushing that is was awesome yet some moviegoers actually didn't like the flick. Really? And all I could think of is that's the typical movie patron these days. Like zombies in Land of the Dead, if you light up the sky with fireworks they remain motionless and filled with thoughtless glee.

If it isn't about giant robots, underwater laser battles and doesn't have a gay dude in it, these jabronis won't like it.

OMG, it's a movie that makes you think. Can we just lock these people up in District 11?

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Jaded Viewer says: I have a thing for redheads. And Lindy Booth is the perfect redhead. Her big horror billing was not her playing a final girl, but more of a wicked and twisted vixen in Cry Wolf. She was victim fodder in Wrong Turn and zombie fodder in Dawn of the Dead.

Lindy Booth is smokin hot and as the pictures below prove, she makes any outfit look damn sexy. I almost forgot about Ms. Booth until The Horror Club reviewed Cry Wolf. Now I can't get her out of my mind. Now enjoy the yumminess below.

Friday, August 21, 2009

As I am a child of the 80s, it was 100% certain that I was going to see G.I. Joe. So when I did, I went in with low low low expectations. But that won't stop me from giving you a list of WTF moments I had while watching this flick. It was inevitable that if you grew up watching the 80s cartoon and reading some of the comics, you'd be scratching your head and cursing a mile a minute.

1.) Snake Eyes has a fuckin mouth?!?2.) Scarlett's uniforms are all standard issue right?3.) Dude! It really is that kid from 3rd Rock from the Son playing Cobra Commander...sigh4.) Fuck you Zartan! You guaranteed a fuckin sequel5.) Isn't the Baroness Russian?!? Sigh6.) Isn't Destro black?!? Double Sigh7.) OMG was that really Brendan Frasier as Flint?!? Triple Sigh8.) The airplane Ripcord uses is an homage to that plane that Cobra had with the small plane mounted on top...remember that?9.) Jeezus...Rachel Nichols keeps getting hotter in every scene10.) HAHAHAHA...poor Cover Girl11.) So anybody with a big powerful drill can just bust into Joe HQs?12.) I love the first meeting of Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. Did you see that 3 second flashback?!? Let me repeat that. It was a 3 second initial flashback.13.) That kid on kid fight scene may have been the greatest kid on kid fight scene I've ever seen.14.) Duke is a fuckin pussy15.) I turned off my brain for the flick, but isn't it hard to have an underwater battle war?16.) Did he really say "Knowing is half the battle"??? (see illustration below)

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I had what you would call a regular horror childhood. Raised on your standard eggs, bacon and Friday the 13ths and Nightmares, it's the same ole story you've heard all before.

But it wasn't until I met Insano Steve in college and the beginnings of the Internets did I get more of a horror education. Faster than you could say "boobies", the internet sprung to life with porn sites with a degree of nastiness.

But with free web space like Geocities and Tripod you also got some horror sites that popped up. Insano Steve soon discovered a very cool site called Losman's Lair of Horror. (It's now defunct) but it had some awesome lists which Insano Steve and I used as a guidebook to discovering some great horror and exploitation movies.

The 5 movies we "discovered" that I have to admit shaped my horror wiki are below. Mind you, this was circa 1995-1999 and though most of these are common knowledge now, these were all new to both of us. Each of these movies had a profound effect on what I would watch years later, even up to today. Do you remember the first time you watched any of these?

Because it showed me the door into the world indie spatter gore movies. Leif Jonkers Darkness would be my intro into low budget indie horror filmmakers and their dedication and passion to the VHS dubbing genre of the early 90s.

Think about when you first saw this movie. (If you haven't, you should see this perverted and gore-ificly awesome flick) Didn't you feel all dirty and a little shameful that you were about to watch a movie about fuckin necrophilia?!?!?

C'mon. We all have our boundaries. Even us hardcore horror fans. Shit, I've seen movies about bestiality. I'll admit it. But we've all draw lines before.

And though Nekromantik is done very artsy fartsy, it's still about some sick shit. And that ending...oh man, it's the pinnacle of the WTF moment hall of fame.

This probably was the movie that got me as jaded as could be.

Disturbing but entirely breaking a frontier within my horror experience, you can say the movie was utter shit, but it definitely is memorable.

If you have seen some of these flicks, kudos to you. If you haven't, it's like a tutorial of shame and horror wonder. Most horror fans today (I'm talking to the tweens and Gen Y peeps) don't know what us "old timers" had to do to see some of these flicks.

Go to horror conventions, rummage through yard sales, trade in 2nd and 3rd generation dubs and eBay the crap to see some hard to find flicks.

So when we did see these flicks, they were like finding a wad of cash in the trash.

I can thank Losman and his list for introducing me to a wide range of genre flicks. Such a simple site that the jaded viewer would not be here today if it wasn't for that list.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I posted a test trailer for The Tournament in May, 2008. It's been removed obviously by now but it looked fuckin awesome. So it's odd that over a year later, we finally get to see the official trailer for this seemingly awesome action fest.

So what all the hype-o-palooza all about?

Here's the plot.

Every 7 years in an unsuspecting town, The Tournament takes place. A battle royale between 30 of the world’s deadliest assassins. The last man standing receiving the $10,000,000 cash prize and the title of Worlds No 1 (which itself carries the legendary million dollar a bullet price tag). The Tournament is set up by a group of sick high stake billionaires who watch the mayhem unfold via CCTV and bet on its outcome.

We're not talking no name actors here. It's some top notch A list mofo's as your fucked up assassins.

Thanks to Twitch, the final official trailer is now online. Check it out below.

Check out the official site for some stills and other goodies. The movie is to be released sometime this year.

It looks like non stop action with a demented twist. Like Surviving the Game with pros. Or Thirst but with assassins. The UK are actionmeisters when it comes to this shit so hopefully this will get a theatrical release.

Monday, August 17, 2009

The one thing I do is try to support the NYC indie horror scene as best I can. Sometimes it means promoting some friend's friend horror flick. But the name that has become synonymous within NYC horror is Larry Fessenden.

Fessenden Glass Eye Pix has produced some of the more interesting horror flicks that have come out. And now he is producing Jim Mickle's new movie Stake Land. Mickle first hit the horror radar with his After Dark Horrorfest flick Mulberry Street (full review here) which I dug very much. That flick was about terrorizing the infamous street in NYC.

With Stake Land (such an awesome title), he's going to bring the urban and road gritty setting and blend it into the vampire genre. Let the Right One In this is not. Fuck Twatlight and all the other pussy vampire shit that's coming out. These are the hard hittin, evil fucked up kind of vampires that don't give a shit about romantic tweens. They'd rather rip their necks apart and splatter their intestines across the desert.

Friday, August 14, 2009

It's been a while since I put up a Horror Continuum post. I just haven't had time to search for links to keep you updated on what's the what in the horrorverse.

So as it's Friday and we all want to be in a good mood for the weekend, today's edition is all videos. So below you will find some classic horror spoofs, parodies and other viral vids from the interweb. Enjoy!

If you have any links to other funny horror related videos, share them with everyone. After another work week, we all need some ha ha's as we head to the weekend. Put em in the comments and share. Because sharing is caring.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I got an e-mail about Level 26 and semi dismissed it has more web serial nonsense. But ironically, after reading an article in a business magazine about Anthony Zuiker and his innovative "digi-novel" concept, I became uber intrigued by it all. It encompasses everything I like in my entertainment.

I like to read.I like interactive social networking sites.I like web serial videos with a twist.

Level 26 combines all these elements into a cohesive experiment of fun-ness. If this is the first time you are hearing of Level 26, let's get into the basics.

Created and written by Anthony Zuiker (he is the mastermind behind the CSI Franchises on CBS), Level 26 is the first ever digi-novel. Zuiker has partnered with EQAL (they were the brains behind LonelyGirl 15). Theoretically, the concept goes like this:

1.) You buy the book and start reading (it gets released on September 8th)2.) The book has "Cyberbridges", calls to action to go to the website: http://www.level26.com/where you enter codes to watch videos and interact with content.3.) Rinse and Repeat4.) Interact with the "26-ers", the online community

I am super psyched about this and though it's similar to the kids digi-book experience "The 39 Clues", this has a bloody, gory, splatterific horror shade to it.

So what's the book about? Check out the plot summary below for Level 26: Dark Origins[from the official site]

It is well known among law enforcement personnel that murderers can be categorized on a scale of twenty-five levels of evil, from the naive opportunists starting out at Level 1 to the organized, premeditated torture-murderers who inhabit Level 25.

What almost no one knows - except for the elite unnamed investigations group assigned to hunt down the world's most dangerous killers, a group of men and women accounted for in no official ledger, headed by the brilliant but reluctant operative Steve Dark - is that a new category of killer is in the process of being defined.

Only one man belongs to this group. His targets: Anyone. His methods: Unlimited. His alias: Sqweegel. His classification: Level 26

Sqweegel looks like a white latex condom doesn't he?

From what I've gathered, porn actresses play victims of Sqweegel and he's a total masturbating lunatic of the highest serial killer degree. And he's a snuff addict!

What's more horror than that?

With the pending release, Level 26 has a contest up for anybody who preorders the book on Amazon.com. and other online booksellers. The prize? An Anthony Zuiker-signed book jacket.

The entry is simple: pre-order the book online, email the proof of purchase to promotion@level26.com and readers will receive a limited-edition, hand-signed book jacket from Anthony. Check out the link above for more info about the contest.

Finally, below is the trailer for this digi-novel multi platform experience.

What do you guys think? Is this the future of books? Or is this a failed experiment in Web 3.0 technology?

I'm kinda digging this experience. It's like an ARG literary explosion of intellect and hardcore horror. The first of its kind. There will be haters and there will be supporters.

It has classic Joe moments. An outrageous Cobra Commander plot to rule the world, a special guest appearance by Zartan and the Dreadnoks, laser battles and blown up vehicles and Duke being a bitchy control freak. And the best bonus is Scarlet, Cover Girl and Lady Jaye looking super hot as imitation Cold Slither groupies.

You've all probably seen the Ballad of G.I. Joe video thats been circulating but nothing beats the ending of the Joe's playing their beloved theme song to a pack full of former brainwashed fans.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Well I may not be the biggest proponent of the horror comedy big budget productions coming from Hollywood, but I'll admit Zombieland looks damn funny. It may be the USA's answer to Shawn of the Dead.

Starring Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg and a list of up and coming Hollywood hotties (Emma Stone and Amber Heard) and directed by Ruben Fleischer, it seems zombies aren't deader as dead yet after the vampire boom.

In the horror comedy Zombieland focuses on two men who have found a way to survive a world overrun by zombies. Columbus is a big wuss -- but when you're afraid of being eaten by zombies, fear can keep you alive. Tallahassee is an AK-toting, zombie-slaying' bad ass whose single determination is to get the last Twinkie on earth. As they join forces with Wichita and Little Rock, who have also found unique ways to survive the zombie mayhem, they will have to determine which is worse: relying on each other or succumbing to the zombies.

Here be the trailer.

UGO.com has posted exclusive clips of some new videos starring Woody and Jesse answering viewer mail and discussing "rules" of what you need to survive a zombie onslaught. These include different weapons you may need (skillet, swiss army knife, bowling balls, etc.) And what do paper towels and the buddy system have to do with anything?!?

Monday, August 10, 2009

I think I may be the only one who's obsessed with the way slashers get killed at the end of the movie. Because the thing is, after the slasher goes through the motions of slaughtering young, helpless teenagers and getting everything thrown at him to stop his murderous rampage, sometimes the slasher's death becomes really anticlimactic (see the end of Friday the 13th Part VIII)

The one series I'm intrigued by the slasher's death is A Nightmare on Elm Street. Freddy's demise were kinda a letdown don't you think? Some kinda rocked. See my list below on how Freddy eventually "lost" to those damn kids.

What do you guys think? Which one was the worse?

**OBVIOUS FUCKIN SPOILERS IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ANY OF THESE FILMS**

1.) A Nightmare on Elm Street

How Freddy Dies:

The Jaded Viewer says: Freddy doesn't technically "die", more so gets defeated. Sure he gets set on fire and gets boobied into traps. Hell, I'll give Nancy credit for figuring out how to kill Kreuger but really he just vortexed into the bed. For being a really damn scary flick, Freddy's defeat was kinda lame.

2.) A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge

How Freddy Dies:

The Jaded Viewer says: One of my least favorite NOES. It's the old love conquers all cliche! For a sequel, you'd think this would be better or equal to the original. Freddy's death was like a "You killed me with love, but I'm taking him with me" cliched ending.

Love 1 Freddy 0.

3.) A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

How Freddy Dies:

The Jaded Viewer says: One of the best in the series. And the fuckin twist of Nancy FINALLY getting killed by Freddy. But that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about how Freddy dies because of get this...holy water (Freddy even pokes fun at how they've tried to kill him in Part 6). Also, Nancy stabs Freddy with his own glove. Later, Freddy's bones are thrown in a grave and he's ultimately "killed" when a crucifix is placed on his skull.

I gotta agree with Freddy on this one. Holy water?!? How can one even take that attempt seriously? And death by burial of bones was another letdown in the series.

4.) A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

How Freddy Dies:

The Jaded Viewer says: Well they just stole this shit from Thundercats. I call Freddy's death in Dream Master the Mumm-ra death because he sees a reflection of himself and that's what causes the "souls" little hands to rip him apart. Freddy's death scene is gory and gooey which is a plus. This cause of death is a total deus ex machina, because after holy water, they couldn't think of anything that could really kill him.

5.) A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream ChildHow Freddy Dies:

The Jaded Viewer says: Well in this one they we're still running on empty on how to kill Freddy. First they have Jacob (Alice's unborn son) turn on him then the souls get all angry and turn him into a deformed infant which his mommy absorbs into her uterus or some shit. It's just utterly dumb. It doesn't make sense and nobody ever learned from Nancy how to kill him. At this point, they were just improvising Freddy's demise. Good lord, WTF.

6.) Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare

How Freddy Dies:

The Jaded Viewer says: Supposed daughter of Freddy comes back to defeat him. Kudos for using Nancy's methods to bring him into the real world but the big, climactic battle we thought we'd see is non existent. C'mon she turned into a professional knife thrower? Then she uses the glove to gut poor Kreuger and here's the kicker, stabs some dynamite and blows the shit out of him in 3D (thus releasing the supposed dream demons). I guess symbolically we have to say this was the death of funny/comedic Freddy.

I mean his last words are "Kids".

7.) Wes Craven's A New Nightmare

How Freddy Dies:

The Jaded Viewer says: We're suppose to have serious Freddy back but in the final scene with Heather L. and her fictional son, he goes all big mouth, tongue waggy and then gets trapped in a furnace (see the irony!) and burned which morphs him into a bug eyed demon.

We can thank Wes Craven for making New Nightmare self aware or have a movie cliches within a movie (which led him to the Scream franchise).

But Freddy's death (this being his last film where HE is the main slasher) is very dark and stylish but lacks in the POW death scene. Rest in Hell Freddy Kreuger.

8.) Freddy vs Jason

How Freddy Dies:

I'm not even putting this one up as we all know this ended in a stalemate and he winks and shit.

So what was the worse Freddy death scene in the series? Go ahead and comment and let me know what's the what.

As a bonus, below are the little cliffhangers at the end of each of the films. Which one was the best?

There are a ton more that I haven't mentioned but you get the point. So it would be interesting to see what we'd get when Pitch Black director David Twohy, teamed up with Steve Zahn (It's the guy from Suburbia and Joy Ride!) and Milla Jovovich (It's Alice! from Resident Evil) would come up with. Would we get Turistas Part 2? Ugh. The Ruins Part 2? Win!

Oddly enough, A Perfect Getaway is neither. It's one of those movies that's sits on the border of slightly above average and generic, cloned copies of tourist-horror flicks. It's a mixed bag of nuts. So pack up your bags were going on vacation!Boring Plot-O-Matic

Two pairs of lovers - Cliff (Zahn) and Cydney (Jovovich), and Nick (Olyphant) and Gina (Sanchez) - on a Hawaiian vacation discover that psychopaths are stalking and murdering tourists on the islands. Cliff and Cydney are an adventurous young couple celebrating their honeymoon by backpacking to one of the most beautiful and remote beaches in Hawaii.

Hiking the wild, secluded trails, they believe they've found paradise. But when the pair comes across a group of frightened hikers discussing the horrifying murder of another newlywed couple on the islands, they begin to question whether they should turn back. Unsure whether to stay or flee, Cliff and Cydney join up with two other couples, and things begin to go terrifyingly wrong.

Far from civilization or rescue, everyone begins to look like a threat and nobody knows whom to trust. Paradise becomes hell on earth as a brutal battle for survival begins.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The question you automatically ask yourself in a flick like this (after watching the trailer) is:

WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO BE THE KILLER OR KILLERS?

There's going to be lots of twists and turns and I Nostradamus-ed a guess before I watched it. I wrote it down and sealed it in an envelope. After the film started I started second guessing myself and you know what? My first instinct was dead right.

Because I came home, ripped open that envelope and it said the killers would be......

Oh c'mon dude. I'm not going to reveal that in the review...jeez.

But trust me, go with your gut on guessing who dunnit. It's usually right.

But back to the review. Cliff and Cydney are the first couple we meet and they seem to be the most odd matchup you'll ever see. Really Zahn hooked up with the Jovovich? That's like hitting grand slam in the World Series of hookups. They are in Hawaii, taking in the sights and beaching and vacationing it up.

After encountering "red snapper" #1 (you'll get this inside joke when you see the movie) Cleo and Kale, they soon find out a couple has been killing newlywed couples in Hawaii. Soon they suspect each couple they encounter could be the "Mickey and Mallory" like killers. They then meet "red snapper"couple #2 Nick (Olyphant, it's the arch criminal from Die Harder!) and the uber hot Gina (it's Kiele Sanchez, Nikki from Nikki and Paulo on Lost) and Nicko turns out be a man of mystery. Olyphant's character is by far the most interesting of the four. He tells Cliff and Cyd of his adventures in special operations for the military. A jack of all trades, he hunts, he spews advice and he drops many subtle foreshadowing hints via his conversations.

Soon one of our couples gets taken into custody and we are left to figure out who among the 4 remaining vacationers is the evilest of the evil doers. The first hour of the movie is done well, I had no complaints. It actually had a feel that it was self aware that it was a "vacation turns awry" horror movie. Cliff is a popular screenwriter and Nick tells him stories he can write about as they all hike to a beach on the island. It's parodying the 3 act movie structure, the "red snapper" aka the "red herring" where a characters or characters are introduced "to fuck things up". The dialogue throughout the movie hints at these inside jokes. But as Hollywood is cliched, we do get some jump scares to get your heart racing for the tween crowd. But here is where we hit turbulence.The thing is the last 30 or 40 minutes slowly jellos into the generic "HA HA! We fooled you with our awesome twist!" holiday in hell horror movie. In the middle of this is a 20 minute or so reveal (complete with black and white flashbacks, really??? because we jabronis can't tell a flashback if it's NOT in B/W?) Read that last sentence.

The reveal/twist lasts for 20 minutes! OMG, it was such overkill I can't believe they actually did that. We flashback into all the subtle conversation hints YOU should have picked up on while eating your $6 bag of popcorn. By then, you know how the movie is ultimately going to end and any steam you had for the flick of not being a carbon copy of the genre was gone.

Zahn plays the quirky dork quite well while Jovovich emotes as much as a video game character. Sanchez is very Kate-like (Kate from Lost) in her determination but it's Olyphant who steals the show with his macho GI-Joe Jedi tough guy.

The visuals are very stunning, as Hawaii is a place where any douchebag with a digital camera can take a great picture. In the end though, you get what you paid for.

A Perfect Getaway is your vacation from the other horror subgenres. It's not a killer child, or a unkillable slasher flick. It's not about a gypsy curse or a rape and revenge movie. And it most certainly does not have any zombies or vampires in it.

It's a perfect example of "Don't go on vacation or you'll die" horror and though it seemed like it would be different, it turned out ultimately the same.

Sorta like how all vacations end up being.

Gore-ipedia

Sliced HandsDental traumaGunshots

Nude-ipediaPartial Kiele Sanchez nudityPartial Milla Jovovich nudity

WTF moment

The 20 minute or so reveal

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

If you're going on vacation soon, this movie probably won't end up as the in flight movie. But it sorta feels like it would end up as one. I had high hopes for this flick, but like all vacations of mine it usually ends up like the following:

1.) Way excited ("Holy shit! I'm on vacation! Fuck work!")2.) Tons of shit to do, so little time ("Holy shit! There's so much fun shit to do, but I have such little time")3.) Don't drink the water ("Fuck me, I drank the water. I think I can still go swi....where's the fuckin bathroom!")4.) Recovery, then the indulgence of food ("Did I really eat that entire pig?")5.) The trip back home ("I hope my new Tiki doll gives me good luck. Thanks Greg Brady!")

Well that's pretty much sums up my feelings of The Perfect Getaway.

Check out Evil Adam's review as well. Thanks to him I was able to get to an early screening.