I'm an investigative journalist

For some time now, the internet, it would seem, has been used by people to distribute photographs of other people with no clothes on. While pornography is nothing new to humanity, current trends appear to be bucking this accepted internet wisdom that online is the place to go when you've got photos of someone in the nude.

These days, it's all about me - that's a metaphorical me, referring of course, to you. The reader. Not me, the writer. I won't be posing nude. Ever.

Anyway.

Rum and Monkey undertook this special investigation into this seedy seam of self-abuse. We spoke to several people involved in the online publication of naked photographs.

Our first point of contact was 'Kettle Man' (not his real name). Kettle Man shot to fame when he managed to publish a photo of his penis, reflected in the side of a kettle he had advertised for sale with online auctioneers, ebay.

Rum and Monkey: What was your motivation for posting the photo in question?

Kettle Man: I wanted the world to see my naked body. Yeah, I'm a little overweight and the angle of the reflection made it look like I have no penis, but I wanted to show ebay, and the world, that there's nothing wrong with the human body in its natural state.

R&M: But really - does the world need to see an overweight man with a massive hairy paunch on an auction site? Surely, if you had wanted to expose yourself to lonely housewives, you could have done that in the street? Or on a one-to-one basis in your neighbourhood?

KM: Possibly, but the great thing about ebay is the fact that you can reach millions of shoppers in a matter of days. People doubted my actions, but I can tell that the kettle sold within a matter of days, for an extraordinary price.

R&M: Yes... we spoke to ebay about that, and we were led to believe that there was a problem with the eventual sale. The woman who bought it demanded her money back because, and I quote, "There's no genie inside it, like there was on the picture."

KM: Umm... yeah. I had to give her money back, and I've been banned from using ebay and PayPal for two years. So now I'm forced to have yard sales every weekend to get rid of my old stuff. But I can do that in the nude - the audience reach isn't as large, but I'm still getting my message across.

Next on our hit list was HellCat69 (hopefully not her real name). HellCat69 has her own website, which is free at the moment, but she's looking towards introducing a paysite element, where perverts can pay her to do 'private' shows.

HellCat69: I just love being naked. It sets me free... makes me feel like I'm flying. I just love feeling the wind whistling over my skin... all of my skin.

R&M: That's fine - is it safe to assume then that you spend most of your time naked then?

HC69: Oh hell no - I have a job and I study part time. I can't just walk around naked.

R&M: So you live out your fantasy of a naked life vicariously through fuzzy photos of your boobs on the internet? That's pretty sad...

HC69: No it's not! I love being naked, and showing the world my body. You can't judge me!

R&M: Fine. Sorry. So - if you start to make money from your site, will you quit your job and do that full time?

R&M: One hundred dollars! That's insane! How can you justify charging that much money for a ten minute show?

HC69: It's harder than it looks, you know. I'm prepared to completely debase myself in front of god knows how many teenagers. Besides, do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with a big, black dildo and type at the same time?

R&M: Yes... I mean, no. No, I have no idea.

HC69: ...

R&M: Thanks for your time.

HC69: No problem. That'll be $100.

Rum and Monkey was lucky enough to be granted an audience with perhaps the most notorious internet model of all. She goes by the name of Tubgirl (quite obviously not her real name), and as anyone who's seen her photograph will attest, there's something deeply, deeply wrong with her.

R&M: So. Tubgirl. What the fuck is the matter with you?

Tubgirl: Listen. The guy who took the photo, my ex-husband, assured me that it was for his personal use. Besides, I was wearing a mask. He promised no one would know it was me.

R&M: Well, very few people did until you gave this interview.

TG: Dammit.

R&M: Have you been recognised in the street before this interview?

TG: Yeah - only when I wear the mask to do the shopping, or if I have to use a public restroom. And I was caught at work one afternoon after we had a curry for lunch. Two of the girls from the typing pool caught me on the floor of the cubicle, and it went round the office like wildfire.

R&M: I'll bet it did.

TG: It could be worse, I guess.

R&M: How?

TG: I don't know.

R&M: You've been likened to another internet legend by the name of Goatse - have you ever heard of him?

TG: Yes! Goatse and I are actually good friends. We hang out, have coffee together - you know, do regular people stuff. We've talked about working together, but the right project hasn't come up.

R&M: Er. That's... probably for the best.

Our final subject for interview was the secretive WellHungGuy - his real name is Roberto Enguelez, he's a 32 year old systems analyst from Pensacola. He's married with two kids, aged seven and nine, and none of his family know about his secret fetish of dressing like a woman and covering himself in mayonnaise.

R&M: Mr Enguelez...

WellHungGuy: Shit! Don't use my real name!

R&M: Sorry Roberto... what should I call you? WellHung? Mr Guy?

WHG: Mr Guy will do fine...

R&M: Why do you post photos of yourself masturbating on the internet?

WHG: I figured what with all the porn on the net, I'd try to give something back to the community, you know? Wait a minute - can I see what you've written there?

R&M: No way - I'm struggling to find a way to finish this article, and I've decided that the best way to do that is to have your wife somehow read the article on Rum and Monkey while you're actually giving the interview. She should be here any second...

WHG: You bastard!

R&M: Ahhh... here she is now. Hello Mrs WellHungGuy.

Mrs WHG: Roberto! You're a filthy, disgusting pervert! How could you? After ten years of marriage, I find out about this on the internet?

WHG: But honey - I love you.

Mrs WHG: Shut up. And you - Mr Stronach, from Rum and Monkey. This is the worst ending to an article you've ever written. You should be ashamed of yourself.

R&M: I am. I feel so bad. So naughty. I'm a bad journalist. A bad, nasty, naughty little journalist...

WHG: Oh no...

R&M: ...the baddest, nastiest, rudest, filthiest journalist ever. I'm going to post this on the internet, so that everyone can see how bad I am...