December 25March 30Special Category: Isaac NewtonSpecial Category: Albert Einstein
From: Rick <tinkety_tonk#NoSpam.yahoo.com>
Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek.
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den. He is supposed to count
upto 100 and then start searching. Everyone starts hiding except Newton.
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it, right in front of
Einstein.
Einsteins counting ....97,98,99,100, opens his eyes and finds Newton
standing in front. Einstein says "Newtons out, Newton's out."
Newton denies and says I am not out. He claims that he is not Newton. All
the scientists come out and he proves that he is not Newton. how?
scroll down...
scroll down... further....
His proof:
Newton says:
I am standing in a square of area 1m square..
That means I am Newton per meter square..
Hence I am Pascal.
Since newton per meter square = Pascal

An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total
eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he's captured
by cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his
freedom he plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if
he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the few
words of the cannibals' primative tongue that he knows, he asks his guard
what time they plan to kill him.

The guard's answer is, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed
when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their
capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening
meal".

"Great", the astronomer replies.

The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it,
in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."

In Dec 1989 Physics Today ,page 9, David Gross wrote "...One of the best of
the many Pauli jokes tells of Pauli's arriving in Heaven and being given,
as befits a theoretical physicist, an appointment with God. When granted the
customary free wish, he requests that God explain to him why the value of the
fine-structure constant, alpha = e^2/(hbar*c), which measures the strength of
the electric force, is 0.00729735 ....

God goes to the blackboards and starts to write furiously. Pauli watches with
pleasure but soon starts shaking his head violently...."

THE PHYSICISTS' BILL OF RIGHTS
(Author Unknown) We hold these postulates to be intuitively obvious,
that all physicists are born equal, to a first approximation, and are
endowed by their creator with certain discrete privileges, among them a
mean rest life, n degrees of freedom, and the following rights which are
invariant under all linear transformations:

1. To approximate all problems to ideal cases.

2. To use order of magnitude calculations whenever deemed necessary
(i.e. whenever one can get away with it).

3. To use the rigorous method of "squinting" for solving problems more
complex than the addition of positive real integers.

4. To dismiss all functions which diverge as "nasty" and "unphysical."

5. To invoke the uncertainty principle when confronted by confused
mathematicians, chemists, engineers, psychologists, dramatists, and
other lower scientists.

6. When pressed by non-physicists for an explanation of (4) to mumble in
a sneering tone of voice something about physically naive
mathematicians.

7. To equate two sides of an equation which are dimensionally
inconsistent, with a suitable comment to the effect of, "Well, we are
interested in the order of magnitude anyway."

8. To the extensive use of "bastard notations" where conventional
mathematics will not work.

9. To invent fictitious forces to delude the general public.

10. To justify shaky reasoning on the basis that it gives the right
answer.

11. To cleverly choose convenient initial conditions, using the
principle of general triviality.

12. To use plausible arguments in place of proofs, and thenceforth refer
to these arguments as proofs.

13. To take on faith any principle which seems right but cannot be
proved.

From: ostrich_jokes#NoSpam.hotmail.com (KinkyOstrich.com)
There was this physicist who was in the habit of getting home quite
late. One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m. with a torn shirt, lipstick
on his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like hell. His
wife caught him coming in the door and demanded to know why he came
home so late.
His story:
"Well, after I quit work for the day, a few friends and I went out to
the bar for a few drinks. We met up with some rather good-looking
young women, and started to drink to excess; things just kept
happening, as you can well see. I sobered up enough to note how late
it was, so I rushed home."
She said, "YOU LIAR!! YOU WERE IN THE LAB AGAIN, WEREN'T YOU???!!!"

From: mj@redbud (MJ Kahn)
Lightbulb list
September 4Special Category: How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb
Q: How many general relativists does it take to change a light bulb.
A: Two. One holds the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.
From:BRIAN6#NoSpam.VAXC.MDX.AC.UK (cannonical lightbulb collection)
Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.
(Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has to
be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being
infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.)
Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the
new bulb.
From: Dave Borger <borger#NoSpam.ix.netcom.com>
Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, once they have observed it is out it has already changed.
December 5Februari 1Special Category: Werner Heisenberg
Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.
Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, astronomers prefer the dark.
Q: How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
A: None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
From: Joao Batista <fbatista#NoSpam.cc.fc.ul.pt>
Q: How many particle physicists are necessary to change a light bulb?
A: Two hundred: 136 to smash it up + 64 to analyse the tiny pieces.
Q: How many MIT students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: five --one to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs changing,
one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked
lightbulb, two to install it.
From: Eugen Raicu (raicu#NoSpam.netcom.com)
Q: How many theoretical physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't change light bulbs but they can run expensive computer
simulations which predict the lifetime of the bulb with order of magnitude
accuracy.
Q: How many experimental physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They don't replace the bulbs, they repair them.
From: Dave Nash (dnash#NoSpam.uxa.cso.uiuc.edu)
Q: How many physicists* does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If the light bulb is a perfect sphere, one. The solution for a
light bulb of arbitrary shape is left as an exercise to the reader.
* (for 'physicists' read any physical scientists -- I'm doing P-chem for my
graduate studies, so I have no particular axe to grind here ;-)
From: Steven Timm (st0o+#NoSpam.andrew.cmu.edu)
Q: How many theoretical physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Hmmmm, let's see
Q: That's correct!
From: David Geiser (dag#NoSpam.col.hp.com)
Q: How many theoretical physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A theoretical physicist is one that is postulated to exist, but has
never been actually observed in the laboratory.

From: Ken McLean (mclean#NoSpam.lns598.lns.cornell.edu)
Q: How many experimental high energy physics graduate students does it take
to change a light bulb.
A: One.
(but it takes him/her ten years).
(Quoted from the introduction to a thesis of an apparently long suffering
SLAC Ph.D.)

June 13November 5
From: Raymond W Jensen <rwj+#NoSpam.andrew.cmu.edu>
Q:What do you get when you cross a Hell's Angel and a nerdy physics major?
A:A guy that has Maxwell's Equations tatooed on his chest.

From: wiestt#NoSpam.rl.af.mil (Todd E. Wiest)
Q.) What's the difference between a mathematician and a physicist?
A.) A mathematician thinks that two points are enough to define a strait
line while a physicist wants more data!!!

From: weishaup#NoSpam.carina.unm.edu (Benjamin Jones)
After taking a course in mathematical physics, I wanted to know the real
difference between Mathematics and Physicists. A professor friend told me
"A Physicist is someone who averages the first 3 terms of a divergent series"
Schrodinger's Cat experiment.

From: "G - P" <GP#NoSpam.Girdle.Popper.Com>
Special Category: You might be a scientist if...
YOU MIGHT BE A PHYSICS MAJOR...
if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
if you enjoy pain.
if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.
if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
if you always do homework on Friday nights.
if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
if you think in "math."
if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down
its wave function.
if you have a pet named after a scientist.
if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the
Schrodinger's cat experiment.
if you can translate English into Binary.
if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building
which says "Exit."
if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because
there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the
eventual heat-death of the universe.
if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have
accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to
Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math
easier.
if you understood more than five of these indicators.
if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
If these indicators apply to you, there is good reason to suspect that
you might be classified as a physics major. I hope this clears up any
confusion.

If Richard Feynman applied for a job at Microsoft

Interviewer: "Now comes the part of the interview where we ask a
question to test your creative thinking ability. Don't think too
hard about it, just apply everyday common sense, and describe your
reasoning process."
"Here's the question: Why are manhole covers round?"
Feynman: "They're not. Some manhole covers are square. It's true that
there are SOME round ones, but I've seen square ones, and rectangular
ones."
Interviewer: "But just considering the round ones, why are they round?"
Feynman: "If we are just considering the round ones, then they are round
by definition. That statement is a tautology."
Interviewer: "I mean, why are there round ones at all?" "Is there some
particular value to having round ones?"
Feynman: "Yes. Round covers are used when the hole they are covering up
is also round. It's simplest to cover a round hole with a round cover."
Interviewer: "Can you think of a property of round covers that gives them
an advantage over square ones?"
Feynman: "We have to look at what is under the cover to answer that
question. The hole below the cover is round because a cylinder is the
strongest shape against the compression of the earth around it. Also,
the term "manhole" implies a passage big enough for a man, and a human
being climbing down a ladder is roughly circular in cross-section. So a
cylindrical pipe is the natural shape for manholes. The covers are simply
the shape needed to cover up a cylinder."
Interviewer: "Do you believe there is a safety issue? I mean, couldn't
square covers fall into the hole and hurt someone?"
Feynman: "Not likely. Square covers are sometimes used on prefabricated
vaults where the access passage is also square. The cover is larger than
the passage, and sits on a ledge that supports it along the entire
perimeter. The covers are usually made of solid metal and are very heavy.
Let's assume a two-foot square opening and a ledge width of 1-1/2 inches.
In order to get it to fall in, you would have to lift one side of the cover,
then rotate it 30 degrees so that the cover would clear the ledge, and then
tilt the cover up nearly 45 degrees from horizontal before the center of
gravity would shift enough for it to fall in. Yes, it's possible, but very
unlikely. The people authorized to open manhole covers could easily be
trained to do it safely. Applying common engineering sense, the shape of a
manhole cover is entirely determined by the shape of the opening it is
intended to cover."
Interviewer (troubled): "Excuse me a moment; I have to discuss something
with my management team." (Leaves room.)
(Interviewer returns after 10 minutes)
Interviewer: We are going to recommend you for immediate hiring into the
marketing department."

From: Joachim Verhagen.
Special Category: Famous last words
Famous last words
Nuclear physicist: See, cold fusion does not work.
Nuclear physisist: What was the critical mass, exactly?
Physisist: And now we reach absolute zero.

From: Prof. Rudolf von Steiger <vsteiger#NoSpam.issibern.ch>
University XY needs to employ a new physics professor. The search committee
agrees to select the candidate who gives the best answer to a single
question: Which is higher - the speed of light or the speed of sound?
Enters the first of three candidates. He replies: Well of course it's the
speed of light. When I switch on my radio the power light comes on
immediately but it takes a while until I can hear the sound. (This was back
in the days of tube amplifiers.)
The second candidate replies: Of course it's the speed of sound. When I
switch on my TV set I can hear the sound first but it takes a while until I
can see the picture. (This was a CRT set, of course.)
The third candidate says: Ah -- thats a trick question! Of course I know
that everybody claims the speed of light is faster than the speed of
sound. But in fact both speeds are the same. What makes us think that light
is faster is simply the fact that our eyes are in front of our ears.