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June 10, 2008

A Side Of Shoe

Last night on my way to the grocery store alone I was driving along a stretch of highway that seemed to reach far into the night sky with purple clouds. The music in my car was good and I just had that desire to keep on driving and driving, never looking back. Nothing in particular had me upset or exhausted necessarily from the life I would be leaving behind. It was just an impulse, an urge much like the reason I can never sit by the emergency exit on an airplane. Just not so sure I wouldn't open that door, you know, just to see.

I would of course never do it. But there is a part of me that runs away with my imagination to far off places. Where I'm free and have no one expecting anything from me. And the bigger part of me that loves my family so much it sometimes hurts and how could I ever think about driving and driving, never looking back?

I see a shoe on the side of the road and wonder just how someone managed to lose one shoe. Where is the other? Maybe the result of a quick get away, or just thrown from a moving vehicle. I wonder how someone could just be walking along and their shoe- laces and all- just comes off and they keep on going. It didn't belong, but it so belonged. They must not have looked back.I do not feel guilty for my thoughts last night. I just drive and get my groceries and head home, opposite the purple sky, away from the road that was calling me.

35 comments:

I think as moms we all have that feeling, wanting more. I have that feeling too it just encourages me to give a little more to myself. As moms we forget about our needs sometimes that serves as our reminder

I am sorry to gatecrash this blog, but just wanted as many people as possible to read this story about a 26-year-old leukaemia sufferer who is writing an online diary with one aim - to save others.It is so utterly moving and, as a mum , totally heartbreaking.

I think it is just an "I'm so tired" kind of a thought. That running away thought. I've told my hubby that once or twice before. "I'm running away." or "I'm going to the store, and I might not come back." kind of a thing. We both know I'm joking, but it gets across the sentiment of it being a long, tough day. Hope today is much better. :)

I, too, have felt that strong urge. To just keep going down the road & not look back. It's kinda freeing to think those thoughts, even if we would *never* act on them. I'd like to think that maybe that lonely shoe was a result of someone riding care-free with their feet dangling out the window. Maybe they left the dirty dishes in the sink, the laundry unfolded, the floors unmopped & took off with a girlfriend in the direction of those purple clouds, not even caring if they came home with one less shoe :>)

I can't tell you how many times I've thought this. I don't feel guilty about it (well, maybe sometimes I have). I wonder what it is in us that spurs on that "just to see" mentality. I think it's a blessing and a curse.

I love to drive. And think. And wonder what if. And then come home again to the chaos that never ends, lol. I wouldn't leave it for the world, but sometimes I can't help but contemplate it for a moment.

I have this feeling occasionally. However, I believe that I am a better mom because I've mentally explored the possibility of running away and the freedom I could have and have instead consciously chosen to stay. I am where I want to be.

I do agree with some of the others who say it means we should try and do a little more for ourselves sometimes though.

I think this is a totally normal feeling! I know my mind wanders in this direction now and again. However, what I see at the end of the road is nothing compared to where I came from- so I'd always go home. :)

I think it is the curiosity in us all that sometimes lead us to want to keep going down the road to see what is there. I, too, have often wondered how the shoes get on the side of the road. Then again all the shoes I have seen, I wouldn't go back for either!!

Isn't it comforting to know that as a mom these thoughts of wanting something more or dreaming of freedom somewhere else are normal? I think that we need to cut ourselves some slack b/c we mom's are human and exhausted and constantly needed and we can just get totally overwhelmed at times.

Yep--there's something about the peace and freedom of being in a car alone. I used to hate to do errands, but now if one of us is going to pick up takeout or get a movie from the video store, I am a quick volunteer for the job.

Funny... I saw a clog on the side of the road when I was walking with the boys the other night. It was a nice clog... and I couldn't help but wonder how someone could lose it. My oldest guy said to me, "Look mama, someone through a shoe out of a car window!" :)And you're pregnant... you've got 3 kids... I think we are all entitled to moments of "freedom!" Don't feel guilty...- Audrey

I'm so glad you shared this - now I don't feel so alone with these thoughts. I think we all have them every know and then, and I don't think it has anything to do that we'd not be happy where we are today, but a curiosity, what else is out there.

I'm lucky that my husband has the same feelings, and we can together explore the world. I've lost count how many times we have moved the past 10 years, but there is something magical driving to the sunset to new adventures. Well, this summer we'll be driving the sun behind us, but anyway..