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I can't do this anymore

I realise now in retrospection, that I have been to free with my friendship, my loyalty and my time.

Giving it away without a single thought on wether those people deserve my efforts.

I know now, that because I am so different from the people and friendships I keep. That when the going gets tough, I get cut, hurt, bruised, not believed even worse become the accused.

I am the reason things fall apart, I ruin lives and I am at fault. Don't mistake me, I am not-worthy most days of some of the friends I keep, and that I am without a doubt the most flawed in the bunch. Maybe it's my upbringing, maybe the lack of education that makes me trust people completely, or that I don't question wether they believe me or stand up for me when I am not around.

I have been burned, I have been scarred and every time I aspire higher than my station in life. I am hurt or believed that I am not one of the collective.

The realisation today is that I never was part of the group and I am a groupie and worse is the realisation that I am treated like one.

I maligned a good friend who has faults as big as mine, and she has my back and supports me even at the worst of times. I am done making the effort to be with them, to socialise or call them. Because of things that have transpired, they now have to earn the right to be called a friend. They have to put in the effort, because I will not.

I can't be that girl anymore, that friend you only see when your regulars let you down and you need a quick hug, an encouragment or a willing ear. Rather be real with me about my faults, then play it down in my presence and talk about how I enraged you, when I don't pass your tests, or don't give the right response required.

I will always question everyone from now onwards, who I choose to call friend.

social sobriety is the worst of consciousnesses, because it only takes a little prodding to realise that people and peopling are vastly complicated, and our understanding of them and it is like a a single fleck of glitter in a strip club on a friday night.

Every person, every "friend" (airquotes or otherwise) will always be differently. It's a fundamental injustice to lump people together and say "these are my good friends", not because they're not good friends, but because the way in which we interrogate and discriminate *why* we think they are so, is a clutch of emotion and intuition, which we try to rationalise with fuzzy descriptions "kind", "compassionate", "hunky".

Which sounds like I'm arguing for not rationalising and de-purposing how we view friends, and I am, but wait!

It's good to haul yourself out and inspect how you interact with people? When are you a user and when an abuser? what do you try to achieve when you interact with them? what's in the realm of your publically-available self, and what becomes private and personal?

But there's an enormous space for an honesty of feeling - but - and the caveat seems dishumane, where we recognise that feeling honestly means that we expose and embrace our inner arsehole.

Because, and all of this is entirely my view, when we embrace that every friend in our life is different, and deserves distinction, then it follows that they should not all be treated the same. That in our deepest most honest selves, we are not so inhumane to love all people the same.

Yes @irfaan all friends are not created equal. And not every person I meet should be termed friend. And even less if I don't know them. I hope and believe that I chose my friends by what I can learn from them or for them to show me a better way.

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I'm actually so hesitant to post this because I know some people will want more than I am prepared to give, say or do.

But I can't be silent not so much about whats happened, but what I discovered about myself in the process.

The thing that happened:
I usually offer my services in digital marketing for free for fundraisers and people who do community work. So when a local religious (sheigh) leader asked to meet me to discuss a project. I thought nothing of it. I've met with plenty of them to know how to conduct myself.Side Note: as someone who has recently embraced Hijab, I understand there is additional scrutiny on how I conduct myself in muslim restaurants, especially with local scholars/leaders

Flag 1: said sheigh pitched up in casual clothes and I could smell the cologne on him and could see he had recently shaved and groomed. This made me nervous because the first thing he remarked on was how pretty I was.

Two years ago today, I instagram'd the moment I walked into my first retrenchment (I didn't know at the time)

Last year today after being told I did an amazing job, I was asked to leave for not being a cultural fit.
Hijab wearing muslim working for company who predominantly sold hard liquor, yeah I figured
But I took the job because I had no other means of income.

Its not lost on me, but I can't tell you what retrenchments does to your psyche, your confidence, your ability to say with certainty. I KNOW HOW TO DO MY JOB

Between friends who gave generously of their time:

my lawyer friend who helped me negotiate a package, my social media friend who gave me some part time work to tide me over, to the friend who gave me a home so I wouldn't have to worry about paying rent. To the friend and her family who opened their home and fed me all of you who helped me and helped me maintain a semblance of dignity. for those friends who made me cry and reminded me that I have a tribe …

The beautiful scary thing is hidden away. Its sheer power to change who I am frightens me and gives me bravado to be myself, unapologetically.

Every time I want to take this beautiful scary thing out and show it to the world, I know the world and I are just not ready.

So back into the deep dark recess I keep you there, the beautiful scary thing, where I will visit you often and shine a bright light on you and love you and nurture you.

That's when I realise, its not my job to present the beautiful scary thing to the world. That is for itself to decide. So I sit here waiting in anticipation for that day to come and I can announce to the world.