SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, January 13, 2013 Edition

Veep
Suggests Platinum Solution to Gun Control

In what he
called a “stroke of genius,” Vice-President Joe Biden suggested
that President Obama could bypass both Congress and the Constitution
by using an Executive Order to solve the gun violence crisis.

“It was
when I heard people talking about minting trillion dollar platinum
coins to solve the debt ceiling thing that I got the idea of using
platinum to get around 2nd Amendment objections to gun
control,” Biden boasted. “If the President were to simply require
that platinum be the only metal permitted in bullets we could
effectively eliminate privately held guns without actually banning
them.”

The
Vice-President argued that “as Commander-in-Chief, the President
has the Constitutional authority to prescribe the types of weapons
and ammunition that the 2nd Amendment says a 'well
regulated militia' should have. The simplicity of my proposal is that
we wouldn't be infringing on the right to bear arms. People would
still have this Constitutionally protected right, but very, very few
could afford the cost of ammunition.”

Biden
added that “there would also be significant gains from eliminating
the accumulation of lead in our environment from spent rounds hitting
trees and dirt when hunters miss their targets. So, in a way it's
kind of a bipolar inspiration I had.”

Senator
Diane Feinstein (D-Calif) heralded Biden's idea as “a breakthrough
of enormous magnitude. The only thing I would add is a proviso that
the platinum requirement would only apply to ammunition used by
private gun owners. Government law enforcement would need to be
exempt for budgetary reasons.”

Feinstein
suggested that “existing stocks of lead bullets in private hands
could be retrieved via some sort of mandatory 'buy back' program.
This would effectively criminalize all possession of leaded
ammunition as well as give the government an overwhelming advantage
in firepower against any opposition.”

DC
Mayor Demands Football Team Change Name

Washington,
DC Mayor Vincent Gray is demanding that the City's NFL franchise
currently know as the “Redskins” change its name.

“The
current name is demeaning to Native Americans,” Gray said. “Since
the City has made major financial contributions in support of this
franchise I am asserting our right to insist on a new monicker for
the team.”

Wags
we quick to come out with a few risible possibilities.

“I
think 'Crackheads' would be a good name for the team,” said long
time resident Joe Blough. “It would more accurately fit the culture
of the city and could be seen as a tribute to former Mayor Marion
Barry.”

“'Vampires'
definitely,” offered fan, Alan Ball. “Aside from the fact that
vampires are all the current rage among young people these days, it's
a name that would symbolize the fearsome power of our city. Vampires
suck people's blood. They're stronger than mere humans. They're
virtually immortal. Aren't these all traits that that Washington has
come to represent in America?”

“I
like 'Red-Tapers,'” said out-of-towner William Kidd. “It would
allow them to keep the same team colors and be in tune with how DC is
seen by the rest of the country.”

For
his part, Gray expressed the hope that “the team could be renamed
the 'Dogs.' I think a lot of the fans already kind of use this
nickname. So the transition to a new name would be smoother. We could
also keep the same colors since the Irish Setter is a red dog and
would make a good mascot.”

IRS
Threatens Employers on Obamacare

The
Internal Revenue Service warned employers in a new regulatory edict
that “scrupulous adherence to the rules will not be tolerated if
the intent is merely to minimize costs.” The IRS issued the edict
amidst reports that many business owners were limiting employee hours
or hiring temps in order to avoid Obamacare's health insurance
mandates.

“While
the law may say that only full time employees must be covered, the
President's intent is to see that everyone has health insurance,”
the IRS wrote. “Replacing full-time employees with part-timers or
outsourcing jobs to temp agencies as a means of lowering costs will
not be allowed.”

The
IRS promised to “make whatever statistical adjustments we deem
necessary to thwart efforts to evade the President's objective. Those
wishing to challenge our rulings can take us to court.”

Taking
the government to court over its Obamacare rulings may be financially
risky. Hobby Lobby is facing daily fines in excess of one million
dollars for each day if fails to comply with a ruling that it must
provide coverage for birth control and abortions in the insurance it
offers to its employees.

“The
IRS doesn't have the resources to closely monitor every action taken
by every business or person subject to its authority,” complained
Commissioner Steven Miller. “Fear of the potential consequences of
noncompliance—whether that be financial ruin or imprisonment—is
our first line of defense for protecting the government's interests
against recalcitrant and disobedient members of society.”

Website
Receives Anonymous Note from Grateful Thief

The
publication of the names of all licensed gun owners in New York City
by the Gawker
website may have angered civil libertarians and gun rights advocates,
but it did garner a note of praise from one reader.

“While
your regret that you could not also publish the addresses is one I
share, having access to the names is still an important step forward
in reducing the risk to those in my profession,” the unsigned
letter stated. “Breaking into homes and reallocating the excess
wealth of the residents is how I put food on the table for my family.
Getting shot by a homeowner is a risk I'd rather avoid. Doing a
little advance research with the names you've provided will help me
lower the risk of making my children orphans.”

“You
should be proud of what you have done to advance the cause of
eliminating guns from our society,” the letter continued. “I
fully support your broader effort to disarm those who would use
firearms to injure or kill another person. If we can achieve this
objective I, for one, will breathe easier.”

Clinton
Named “Father of the Year”

The
National Father’s Day Council announced that on June 16th
this year it will be giving former President Bill Clinton its annual
“Father of the Year” award.

Dan
Orwig, chairman of the National Father’s Day Committee, said that
“President Clinton's exemplary behavior over the last decade has
set an example for reprobates everywhere that reform is truly
attainable.”

“Consider,
despite the temptations faced by a person of his stature, there is no
evidence of scandal since he left office,” Orwig recounted. “No
young women have come forward to allege improper sexual conduct. No
shady real estate schemes have come to light. He has not been forced
to perjure himself. For this he merits our acknowledgment and
praise.”

Asked
whether out of the millions of fathers in America there might have
been a more worthy recipient, Orwig defended his organization's
choice saying that “there is strong precedent for promulgating the
redemptive message of the return of the prodigal son. It is our hope
that fathers out there who have been abusing positions of trust, as
President Clinton has so obviously done himself, will be inspired by
his story of reform and choose to follow his example.”

Reid
Defends Storm Damage Remarks

Stung
by being called an “idiot” by Senator David Vitter (R-Louisiana)
for his claim that victims of 2012's Hurricane Sandy suffered more
than victims of 2005's Hurricane Katrina, Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev)
attempted to explain his way out the scathing characterization.

“My
colleague's focus on quantitative data overlooks qualitative
differences between the two events,” Reid argued. “First, New
Jersey and New York are states where many important people live. Many
of the homes that were destroyed were million dollar properties. The
same could be said for the businesses.”

“Most
of the properties destroyed by Katrina were more like broken down
shacks than decent homes,” the Senator contended. “Having them
washed away saved the expense of having to pay for them to be
demolished.”

“Second,
New Jersey and New York are reliable 'blue states,'” Reid went on.
“Seeing these loyal Americans harmed and distracted on the eve of
the election threatened the incumbency of the President. Louisiana
and Alabama are both red states and Katrina hit in 2005—not even an
election year.”

The
statistics from the National Hurricane Center cited by Senator Vitter
showed that Katrina caused 1,833 deaths and $108 billion in damage.
In comparison, Sandy caused 131 deaths and $65 billion in damage.

Abolition
of Presidential Term Limits Proposed

Representative
Jose Serrano (D-NY) reintroduced House Resolution 15. The resolution
would repeal the 22nd
Amendment to the US Constitution. The 22nd
Amendment limits a person to two terms as president.

Serrano
says “the need for this change is more critical now than ever.
President Obama is the greatest man to hold the office since FDR,
maybe ever. He should not be barred from being reelected out of some
exaggerated fear that an open-ended tenure in office might be a
threat to liberty.”

Not
all the President's supports are persuaded that amending the
Constitution is urgent, though. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi
(D-Calif) suggested that “the election of Michelle Obama in 2016
and 2020 would be a way for us to essentially extend President
Obama's term in everything but name. For the longer run, though, we
may want to consider whether an amendment might be necessary,
assuming, of course, that some other method for achieving the
objective hasn't been found first.”