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} Great work! You've decoded your ENTIRE gene sequence! Hmmm . . . sorry} to see about your genital deficiency. But, look on the bright side -} being totally hermaphroditic can add some thrill to your sex life! And,} don't fret - a lot of other people won't live past the age of 34} either.

> Oh Oracle most wise, I've been condemned to death. My only comfort is> that I get to choose my method of execution. (Except for some reason,> they won't allow "old age". I've already tried that one.) So as my> last request to you, would you please go through the various techniques> available, list the pros and cons of each, and give your> recommendation?

} Well, there are so many ways to go that there isn't enough room to} cover them all, but I'll do my best.}} 1) Death by electrocution is probably NOT a way to go. It usually takes} three or four tries, and somewhere inbetween your eyes explode. I don't} know about you, but I think I'd prefer to be dead BEFORE my eyes pop} out.}} 2) Firing squad. This one can go a couple of ways: First, if one of the} shooters taps you in the head, that would be a good way to go. Bullets} travel faster than sound, so you wouldn't even have time to hear the} guns go off. But, on the other hand, if they all aim for your body} mass, you may actually get to witness yourself bleeding to death. For} your final request here, you should definitely ask for a shot to the} brain stem.}} 3) Lethal injection. Probably the most peaceful, tranquil, and humane} way to die. You'll think you're going off to some blissful dream world.} It's a pussy's way out, you coward!}} 4) Hanging. This is a lot like the firing squad choice: If they do it} right, your neck, severing the spinal cord at the base of the brain.} You'll die instantly. If they screw up, however, you will dangle from} the end of a rope, your head supporting your entire weight for the next} several minutes as the air is choked out of you. The pressure on your} optic nerve will cause you to go blind (who cares, you're gonna be dead} anyway, right) and every nerve ending in your entire body will be} pulsing with a pain like a thousand railroad spikes are being nailed} into you.}} 5) Pulled apart by wild horses. God! That would be SO cool to watch!}} 6) Guillotine. Fast, little mess, but the anticipation is probably} nerve wracking. And you can forget an open casket funeral. However, if} you're into romantic ways to die, this probably takes the cake.}} 7) Gas chamber. This is a slow and agonizing way to die. Imagine} sticking your head in an ore smelter and trying to breathe. This is the} way that all child-molesters and rapists should die - after being} castrated with the lid of a tuna can.}} 8) Self-inflicted death. At least this method allows you to set the} pace of your departure. Again, a gun is a good choice here. It's messy,} yes, but you won't even hear the shot go off. Sleeping pills are} another wuss way out, and you might vomit them up before they've done} their deed. Hanging - again, do it right or you may wind up choking to} death.}} 9) Submersion chamber. This is a rather nasty contraption. You are} strapped into an airtight chamber that ever-so-slowly fills with water.} Here is another example where anticipation of death is almost worse} than death itself. However, drowning is quite possibly the worst way to} die. You are unharmed in any way, and you can breathe, but you have to} breathe water. Your lung sacks fill with water, which you would} normally be able to expel once your back in the atmosphere. However,} since you are strapped into the tank, you can't expel the water, and} your lungs fill up even more, bursting your lung sacks by the thousands} until your lungs just stop working. If you haven't passes out, you will} now feel like a cement truck is parked on your chest. Again, pressure} on your optic nerve will cause blindness, and nerve endings all over} your body will be firing like crazy. In your body's desperation to get} air, water will get sucked through your nostrils, your ears, and your} tear ducts - in the wrong direction. Once the water has equalized} itself in your body, you will hear nothing, see nothing, and probably} only taste and feel the gentle water that is killing you.}} 10) Death by Chocolate. My preferred method of dying. A} chocolate-chocolate chip cookie crust, topped with chocolate ice cream,} covered with chocolate fudge, and topped off with a chocolate graham} cracker cookie. If I were you, I'd go out like this.}} You owe the Oracle some whip cream and a drool cup.

} Ha ha ha ha!}} By attempting to make me laugh, supplicant, you are now subject to the} entire collection of bad bartender jokes!}} A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"}} A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a} drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "Whoa, you have a drink} named Eddie?"}} A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve} strings here." The string goes outside, ties himself up, and messes up} his ends, then returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Didn't I just} kick you out?" To which the string replies, "I'm a frayed knot."}} Three vampires walk into a bar. Two of them order bloods, and the third} orders a plasma. The bartender says, "OK, a blood, a blood, and a blood} lite, comin' right up."}} A woman carrying a a duck walks into a bar. A customer says, "That's} the ugliest pig I've ever seen." The woman says, "That's a duck, not a} pig." The customer says, "I was talking to the duck."}} A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get outta here, we} don't serve mushrooms!" The mushroom says, "But I'm a fun guy!"}} Two strings walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be?" The} first string says, "I'll have a beer.quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s} d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu" The second says, "You'lll have} to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated."}} You owe the ORACLE some new light-bulb jokes.

} It's a pity this is The Internet Oracle, or I'd advise you to have a} look at the fascinating book "Influence" by Robert Cialdini, especially} the topic of 'social proof'. But since this is The Internet Oracle, I} won't.}} The real reason is of course obvious if you think about it. Which place} in the world has the lowest IQ per person?}} > Houses of Parliament, in England.}} Close, but in actual fact the Conservative MPs only act stupid as some} sort of machocistic game they picked up in public schools.}} > The Kremlin?}} You could be onto a winner here, but again the Russian politicians} would be quite bright if sober. This is a bit unfair on you since no} Russian politician has ever been sober since 1758, but false all the} same.}} > Washington?}} Again close. But we have to give them the *occasional* point for} getting rid of Regan.}} > Hollywood.}} Spot on the money supplicant. Now, what do people in Hollywood have} much more of than sense?}} > Money.}} Spot on again. And what can they do with this excess money?}} > I dunno.}} Simple. Have themselves cloned.}} > Arrrgghhhhh!!!!}} That's what I thought. Look out, here come some of them now.}} [A crowd of John Travoltas appears and starts asking questions from one} of those Scientology surveys]}} > Orrie, save me.}} No worries supplicant, just show them your empty pockets.}} [The Travoltas disappear at high speed]}} > Phew. What next.}} Here come the Jane Fondas.}} [An entire crowd of Jane Fondas appears and starts 'working out' in the} middle of the road. A fight breaks out over who should be leading the} workout]}} > Orrie, is it over?}} Of course not, why over on that hill we have over five thousand William} Shatners preparing to ....}} > NO!}} Yes, ....}} LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS!!!} LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS!!!} LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS!!!} LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS!!!} LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS!!!} LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS!!!}} > Orrie, everyone's dead.}} Yes. Pity, isn't it. HA HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHABWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!!}} You owe Hollywood a nomination for this year's 'Darwin Award'.

} My advice is to go into a less crowded field.}} Stories about wannabes abound. Sure wannabes are cute,} what with their aspirations of greatness and all. And yeah,} the Australian Countryside is a neat setting for hopping good} tales about kangaroo-like critters that are pretending to} be what they aren't... But the wannabe market is saturated.} I mean look at these well know examples from the classics;} ------------------------------------------------------------------}} Of Wannabes and Men by John Outback}} Eucalyptus trees littered with koala fur had trunks that held in} the crouches of their lower limbs debris of the sad scant rains} as they stood forlorn along paths beaten hard by tramps who come} wearily down from the billywongabongathong in the evening.}} "Why we always hoppin' from one spot to another, never stayin'} in one spot like we always trying to get somewhere we ain't} George?"}} "`Cause we're wannabes damn it Lenny! Ain't I told ya that} enough times yet!?! "}} "I'm sorry George. I'm sorry George, really I am."} ------------------------------------------------------------------}} Marsupial Island by Robert Louis Wombatson}} I remember that wannabe as if it were yesterday, as he came} hopping to the inn door, its pouch before it like a furry} handbarrow; a tall, strong, heavy, nut-brown wannabe; his} thick tail poking out of the back of his soiled blue coat;} and the scar left by a killer kiwi bird cut across one} cheek, a dirty, livid pink. I remember him hopping `round} the outback and whistling to himself as he did so, and then} breaking out in that old beer-swilling-song that he sang so} often afterwards:-}} `Fifteen wannabes that can never rest-} Yo-ho-ho, and a can of Foster's!'} ------------------------------------------------------------------}} 198O Back-Forty by George Salt-Water-Crocodile}} "What is your first question?"}} 'What have you done with my koala?' said Wannabe.}} O'Heck the evil Bushwhacker smiled again. 'It betrayed you,} Wannabe. Immediately-unreservedly. I have seldom seen} a highly specialized, arboreal marsupial, restricted to a} diet of leaves of certain eucalyptus trees come over to us} so promptly.'}} Wannabe was hopping mad! Surely O'Heck was lying! Not koala!} And he thought of the times at Noosa Heads. And he thought of} the rats.} ------------------------------------------------------------------}} Anyway you get the idea. Why not write about something else?} Wannabes have been done to death.}} You owe the Oracle an oblique mention on page 42.

> Oh Great and Wise WOODCHUCK! oracle, Please WOODCHUCK! help this poor> long suffering WOODCHUCK! servant. I seem to have WOODCHUCK! picked up> some kind of WOODCHUCK! virus in my WOODCHUCK computer that keeps> WOODCHUCK! adding extra WOODCHUCK! words to my WOODCHUCK! messages. I> can't WOODCHUCK! find any WOODCHUCK! way to get it out of my WOODCHUCK!> computer! Can you WOODCHUCK! help me?

> O great Oracle, who never consults web-cams, because thou knowest what> goeth on throughout the entire world anyhow. Thou for whom all pictures> load instantly because not even a lowly 2800 baud/sec modem would dare> make The Oracle wait to download a picture of someone's cat bowl. Thou> who is so feared throughout the world that none would dare view your> Lisa Changing Room Cam, despite the infinite pleasures that would> result from sneaking a peek. That is, if thou wouldst ever be> ungentlemanly enough to put a webcam in Lisa's changing room, which> thou would not.>> Oracle, please hear this lowly charged couple device of a question from> this measly supplicant, not even worthy of removing thy lens-cap, and> pray tell, to answer.>> Oracle, I went to the page where Og's cave-cam was supposed to be, but> the 'service' had been discontinued due to complaints. What's the> story?

} Og wasn't sure about that word "service" and he tried to service it} himself. He checked the dictionary first, just to make sure. (Yes, he} had to have Lisa help him read the definitions. Lisa sometimes puts up} with a lot.) He settled on the definition that applies to cows, and} now the camera is all euphemised up. Believe me, you didn't want to} see any of what happened. (Oh, the curse of being Omniscient!) My} complaint was not the only one.

> Oh Oracle, who's teacakes are perfectly moist and divine and who's> tea is always exquisitely brewed and piping hot...>> The conversation hovered round undiscovered and unpunished crimes.> Everyone in turn vouchsafed an opinion: Colonel Bantry, his plump> amiable wife, Jane Helier, Dr. Lloyd, and even old Mrs. Wilton.> The one person who did not speak was the one best fitted in most> people's opinion to do so. Sir Henry Clithering, ex-Commissioner> of Scotland Yard, sat silent, twisting his moustache -- or rather> stroking it -- and half smiling, as though at some inward thought> that amused him.>> "Sir Henry," said Mrs. Bantry at last, "if you don't say something,> I shall scream. Are there a lot of crimes that go unpunished, or> are there not?>> "You're thinking of newspaper headlines, Mrs. Bantry. 'Scotland Yard> at fault again.' And a list of unsolved mysteries to follow.">> "Which really, I suppose, form a very small percentage of the whole?> said Dr. Lloyd.>> "I should think," said Mrs. Wilton thoughtfully, "that there must be> a very large number.">> "My dear Mrs. Wilton," said Colonel Bantry.>> "Of course," said Mrs. Wilton, "a lot of people are stupid. And stupid> people get found out, whatever they do. But there are quite a number> of people who aren't stupid, and one shudders to think of what they> might accomplish unless they had very strongly rooted principles.">> "Yes," said Sir Henry, "there are a lot of people who aren't stupid.> How often does some crime come to light simply by reason of a bit of> unmitigated bungling, and each time one asks oneself the question:> If this hadn't been bungled, would anyone ever have known?>> ...Oh Oracle, tell us of some of the clever crimes we would otherwise> not know....

} The greatest undiscovered crimes are those that people as whole} refuse to believe have occurred or think are not actually crimes or} can not be accepted by humans as having happened. That being said...}} Top Ten Undiscovered Crimes of All Time}} 10) Death of Common Sense ~400 CE}} Ill for many centuries, some at first thought Common had holed up} somewhere and died of natural causes. But gloating by Europe via} the 'Dumb is Good' so called dark ages have caused many to point} fingers. Hopes that Common Sense was alive elsewhere provided} groundless, though some diehard fans often claim unverifiable &} unlikely sightings at K-marts and Swap Meets.}} 09) Kidnapping of the Dinosaurs ~long time ago}} Unable to come up with the cash required by the Mammal Mafia and} unwilling to deal with the police Mother Earth sat silent as the} dead line for the deal passed. The dinosaurs were dumped most} unceremoniously in pits and canyons around the planet, their} remains still turning up from time to time.}} 08) YAHWEH plagiarism of Sumerian texts ~2000 BCE}} Bored with a go no where stint as a garden variety weather} god Yahweh lifted tracks verbatim from Sumerian lore and} passed it off as his own. Complaints by Sin and Enki were} filed, but laughed of by a monotheist packed court.}} 07) Cro-Magnon genocide of Neanderthals ~40000 BCE}} In the mother of all race wars Cro-Magnon's fueled by hate} cave paintings and incited by the racist gruntings of one} "Og Orog" (no relation) the cro-mags went on a prolonged} world-wide rampage with an expressed goal of leaving} 'no hat head undead'.}} 06) Earth Crust Vandalized by Vulcan and Neptune ~?}} After a three eon ambrosia binge Vulcan and Neptune} took a hammer and pickaxe to the earth's crust fracturing} it irreparably. Though witnesses abound none will come} forward to testify.}} 05) Addiction foisted on Mankind by Television ~1950 CE}} Mankind, badly disoriented by a world war, but still not} of age was seduced by this new vice. Countless TV addicts} now populate the globe unable to go more than a few hours} with out a fix. Many to this day still view this as a} victimless crime despite the slack jawed evidence that} litters the planet.}} 04) Qin swindle of Tian ~200 BCE}} The Mandate of Heaven traditionally awarded to rulers that} actually helped their subjects was fraudulently procured} from its guardian Tian by Qin when the crafty con man} convinced the kind hearted entity that he was building} the Great Wall of China to keep invaders out. In truth} it was to keep his nomadic peoples IN.}} 03) Atlantis sub-Contract Swindle ~?}} Use of sub-standard strata to build the continent made} the entire area unsafe for inhabitation. Zillions in} zorkmids and tons of gold vanished into the secret bank} accounts of those involved. Bribes to inspectors have also} been alleged.}} 02) Albert Camus murder ~1957 CE}} Fears by the forces of absurdity and confusion came to} an ugly head with the hit on Albert Camus. Camus viewed} as on the verge of spreading his ideas of 'morality with} out immortality' to the masses threatened to return ideas} too similar to those of Common Sense [see 1] to world use.}} 01) Windows GUI ~1970 CE}} No explanation needed. Investigation ongoing.