Knowing Me, Knowing You: Radio Show 1

Ah-haa. ah-haa. No please, please shh. Welcome to "Knowing Me,
Knowing You". Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, the you, the
audience, er, here in the studio, or you, the you, the listener at home, in
the car, or somewhere else, but, with a radio. Those of you who know me
from the world of sport will know that I like having a bit of a chat with
brawny men on the rugby field and, er, having a bit of a chat with the soft
fair waif-like moist creatures who you find in ladies' sports, er. Please,
don't write in saying that's, saying that's sexist -- er, it's not. So, er,
what better place, to er, continue that chat than here on a chat show, my
show,my own show? My first guest: he's one of the world's great
heavyweights, not in the boxing sense, he's 67, huh, but intellectually
speaking. He's a novelist. His new novel, "The Soul Of Time",
weighs in at nearly 8 pounds, 950,000 words of thick dense type, all
telling the story about, well... let's get the potted version from the man
of letters himself. Dip thy quill and clappeth loud for Britain's greatest
living novelist Lawrence Camley.

Glad to have you on the show. Now, I've got to say, first reaction to
your book -- don't drop it on me foot!

Lawrence

Yes, it is, er, it is a heavy book. But if I may be so bold there are,
er, of course certain literary precedents. One thinks of Proust's "A
La Recherche De Temp Perdu", Dante's "Divina Comedia",
Chaucer's "Canterbury Tales", which I'm reliably informed could
cripple one, huh, er. Maybe that's what happened to Lord Byron?

Alan

Why, what, what happened to him?

Lawrence

He, he had a clubbed foot.

Alan

Right. Um, "The Soul Of Time", that's the name of your book.
Sounds a bit deep, is it?

Lawrence

Well, it's, it is a serious novel. I, I deal with the great, er,
contemporary themes. But, er, I like to think there are one or two jokes in
it.

Alan

Oh great. Go on, tell us a joke. We like to start the show with a
joke. It's always great to get it off on...

Lawrence

I see I've got myself in sticky, sticky mud already. They're not,
they're not jokes in the traditional Knock-Knock sense, they're more, er,
comic vignettes woven into the general fabric and architecture of the
novel.

Alan

It's more funny-peculiar than funny-ha-ha then, isn't it? What I want
to ask you is, and this a question I've been dying to ask you, if you were
stuck in a lift, what, what one book would you have with you?

Lawrence

Well, I would actually choose for sheer bloody-minded entertainment
value, I would be stuck in a lift with "The Hound Of The
Baskervilles".

Alan

I don't believe it, Sherlock Holmes. Now you're making sense. I am his
Number One fan. I've read all his books.

Lawrence

Yes, I've read them.

Alan

I've read all of them. Have you read all of them?

Lawrence

Probably not all of them.

Alan

I've read all of them. Read all of them. I love Sherlock Holmes. I've
got all his books, leather-bound. What I thought was great about Sherlock
Holmes was that not only was he, er, a supersleuth, he was also a hard
worker. 'Cause, not only did he go out and solve the crimes, he came home
and wrote it all down. Fantastic. That, that's why I admire him.

Lawrence

Yes. I've always thought it was a shame that Conan Doyle had to kill
him off.

Alan

No, I think you'll find it was Moriarty that killed him.

Lawrence

Yes, I know, but ultimately of course it was Conan Doyle.

Alan

No, it was Moriary, it was definitely...

Lawrence

Yes, I know, in the books it was Moriarty, but of course the ultimate
responsibility was Conan Doyle's.

Alan

Yep, hang on. As far as I know, Moriarty acted alone. Or did he? This
is interesting. You, you think that there was some sort of conspiracy
involving this shadowy Doyle figure? All right, OK, fair enough. Who solved
all the cases?

Lawrence

Sherlock Holmes.

Alan

Exactly.

Lawrence

Yes, but, the cases were fictional too, it's all make-believe.

Alan

All right. Who lived on Baker Street?

Lawrence

I don't know.

Alan

Moriarty?

Lawrence

No!

Alan

Did the, did the Doyle live there?

Lawrence

The Doyle, the Dail is the Irish Parliament.

Alan

The Irish Parliament! This conspiracy's getting bigger. You can't
trust anyone these days. You've got the Doyle, Moriarty, the Irish
Parliament, it's... On that bombshell, I think we'll move on.

Look. If he had existed, how would he have be able to describe in
intimate detail the circumstances of his own death?

Alan

Um. The Nobel Prize for Literature. You never won it. What went wrong?

Lawrence

Ha, you are an extraordinary man, Mr Partridge. I am an artist and I
don't write for prizes or acknowledgement. I write to satisfy my muse.

Alan

It's a big fish. Your net's full of holes.

Lawrence

All nets are full of holes.

Alan

Granted, granted. But your, your holes are too big to catch the Nobel
Peace Prize fish of Literature. This, this cleverness thing. It real... I
want to get to the bottom of this. Being clever. Do you know what? I reckon
that we could ask you any question and you'd know the answer.

Lawrence

I am, I am not a puppet.

Alan

Anything. Let's just try that. I reckon that if we went to the
audience, got them to ask you a question you'd know the answer.

Lawrence

I will not take part in this ridiculous charade.

Alan

He's a bit modest. I'm just going into the audience here. What
question do you want to ask?

Audience Member

What is the capital of Kenya?

Alan

Good question. What's the capital of Kenya, do you know the answer?

Lawrence

I have already told you, I refuse to participate in this ridiculous
charade.

Alan

Fair enough, but it's not the answer. What's the capital? Come on, do
you know?

Lawrence

I know the answer.

Alan

You don't... He doesn't know.

Lawrence

I do know the answer.

Alan

He doesn't know.

Lawrence

I do know the answer.

Alan

What's the answer?

Lawrence

It's bloody Nairobi.

Alan

Well done. That's really fantastic. Once more, there he is. Do you
know he could get a lot of work on the conference circuit doing clever
stuff like that? Listen. That's all we've got time for.

Lawrence

Yes.

Alan

Got another question about your dog here, but there's no time for
that.

Lawrence

No, no time.

Alan

So, another big round of applause for Lawrence Camley, a clever man.

Applause.

Alan

Now, my next guest is a woman who first stamped her feet with the
Women's Movement 18 years ago. Her book, "Livid Doll", was read
by angry, angry and irritable women alike. Since then, she's written for
journals as varied as "Women's Own" and "The Radio
Times". And, now she hosts the hugely popular therapy show
"Problem People" on cable TV. Please welcome the intelligent, and
not unattractive, Ally Tennant.

Music: "Dancing Queen".

Alan

Hello Ally, I've just come out to meet you here. Um, for the
listeners. Now listen. You've got something very special for us today,
haven't you?

Ally

I've actually got 2 very special people with me. They are Linda and
Peter.

Alan

Hi, Linda and Peter.

Ally

And they're 2 people who are currently working with me on my therapy
show "Problem People" on cable TV.

Alan

Right. So these are 2 of the disturbed people that you...

Ally

No, no, no. They are not, it's very important, they're not disturbed
people. They're normal people with normal problems.

Alan

Right, um, so if anyone's concerned, these 2 -- just, bit harmless.
Right. OK. Right. So, um, what are you going to do with them?

Ally

Well, I'm going to do just a brief demonstration of the kind of
therapy that we work on.

Um, now we've been working together, um, on my 3 point therapy plan,
and I'll just run through that very quickly. The 3 points are: the birthing
of the emotions, the dialoguing about those emotions, and finally,
pledging, towards a better future. So, let's begin with birthing. Linda,
would you like to birth your emotions, please?

Thank you very much, and well done. Peter, would you birth your
emotions, please?

Peter

Yes. The same really, um, but no loathing.

Ally

Thank you Peter, and well done. Phase three, Linda. Sex with Peter.

Linda

Well, I mean, it's obvious isn't it? I mean, it's just not happening.
I mean it hasn't been happening for a very long time.

Ally

Well done. Peter. Sex with Linda.

Peter

Well, it's not happening for me either, is it?

Linda

Well, I mean, that's 'cause you're never there.

Peter

What do you mean -- I'm never there? I sleep in the bed with you.

Linda

Can I just say something? That he comes, that he often comes back
smelling of dog.

Peter

Oh come on. Don't start with the dog again. Every time...

Ally

OK. End of dialogue. Very good. Well done. We've reached pledging
time. Um.

Alan

(offstage) You've got about a minute.

Ally

OK. Thankyou. All right. Um, Peter, we're going to start with your
pledge. I'd like you to say in front of all these people here and all the
people who are listening at home -- that's about 13 million people routing
for you. OK. I want you to say: I pledge to spend more time with Linda, and
more time with baby Sam.

Peter

Samuel.

Ally

Whatever, OK, and that is my pledge. Will you say that now please?

Peter

Yep, um, I pledge to spend more time with Linda and with Samuel.

Ally

And that is my pledge.

Peter

That is my pledge.

Ally

Well done, Peter, well done. Marvellous. Well done. OK, we're nearly
at a resolve. Um, Linda, it's your turn to pledge. I want you to pledge
now: I pledge to spend more time with myself, and to take a lover to ease
my frustrations.

Peter

Hold on... hold on a moment.

Linda

No, we're not dialoguing.

Peter

No I don't think...

Ally

Peter.

Linda

I pledge to spend more time with myself and to take a lover to ease my
frustration.

Great stuff. Hang on. I'm just coming over to meet them now. That was
absolutely fabulous. Thanks you two for doing your pledging and stuff. I
hope you're not so disturbed any more. Let's, er, say goodbye to you and
hello to Ally Tennant. Please, come and take a seat. Come and sit down.
Just, sit there. Right, sit down. Now, now. Ally. Was that good therapy or
barmy old cack?

Ally

I'll leave it for you to decide really. I mean, your audience saw it
work. So, um...

Alan

Right, and you've got a pretty successful success rate.

Ally

Very successful. There are people queuing up for the cable TV show
which I think is incredibly brave.

Let's, let's say, take a hypothetical situation, you've got a bloke in
his mid-30s, got a good job, maybe in the papers, maybe in the media, who
knows, and he's got a problem at home with his wife. He's doing quite well.
He's got a nice house, nice furniture, World of Leather sofa. Nice car,
electric windows, power steering.

Ally

OK, yeah.

Alan

Central locking. Now he thinks, he's not quite sure, but he thinks his
wife's having an affair. Where's the problem?

Ally

With him, with him.

Alan

Right.

Ally

Frankly, he's clearly paying too much attention to his material
possessions. I mean, God help us, his World of Leather sofa, even.

Alan

They're, they're actually quite comfortable sofas.

Ally

Well, whatever, but you see the point? The point you were obviously
trying to make.

Alan

Yes. It's just an example.

Ally

And I don't blame her. I really don't blame her.

Alan

You say it's all his fault, but let's try and paint the picture more
clearly. Um, let's say she never talks to him. She's always going out to
fitness twice a day, every day. Why, why does she do it?

Ally

Well. In the dialoguing phase, what we do is we'd explore why she's
going out quite that frequently, and, as you saw there, we give equal
weight to each partner, so, so what would happen is that she would say:
"I resent you spending all your time waxing your car, whatever."

Alan

Yeah, yeah.

Ally

He'd say: "I resent you going out to fitness three times a
day."

Alan

Fair enough. But if this man's in the media his car's got to look
good. If he's got a...

Ally

Well, I mean, the car is obviously just an example.

Alan

But if the car was maroon, say, that looks terrible when it's dirty.

Ally

Well, yeah, but I mean we're sort of...

Alan

As an example.

Ally

We're sort of, we're getting off the point, Alan, um.

Alan

It's just an example.

Ally

I mean that really is the basic point. We need to just air those
problems as we did there.

Alan

Right. Now, tell me about sex. I mean...

Ally

Well, of course, 99% of the problems that I deal with are
sexually-related. Clearly that's the case even if they don't appear to be
on the surface.

Alan

So, sort it out downstairs then sort it out upstairs. To crystalise
it.

Ally

That's a way of putting it, yeah.

Alan

Right, fine.

Ally

Right. Um, if the woman in question is frequently denying sex, then
clearly there's an emotion behind that and that emotion is anger. And
clearly there's an emotion coming from the man, and that emotion is fear of
castration.

Alan

No. No it's not. It's not that, no.

Ally

No, that's, I mean that's a very, again it's an extreme way of putting
it, but it's basically impotence. Fear of impotence, fear of castration.

You, you Ally Tennant. Bit strange. I read, I read in, er, I read a
bit in your book that was highlighted in yellow by a researcher for me
that, er, you're quite, you're quite into female orgasms. You like them,
don't you?

Ally

(laughs) Well, don't you?

Alan

Yes. But, but, but, I mean, I, I'm quite curious as a man. What...

Ally

Good.

Alan

What, the female orgasm. What is it? I mean, I don't mean what, I
don't I don't mean what is it, I don't mean what what, I mean how, how does
it manifest itself, when you hear, when when it's how, what is it, what
is it, what is it, what is it, what is it, what is it?

Ally

What's a female orgasm?

Alan

Yes.

Ally

Um. It's a very good question actually, and the answer that I would
give you is: What's a male orgasm? Describe what happens when you achieve
an orgasm.

Alan

No.

Ally

No, I'm serious, honestly, really.

Alan

No, I don't think so. No, no.

Ally

'Cause it's really important. Just describe the process.

Alan

No. Uh, no. OK.

Ally

No, there's no comparison.

Alan

OK, let's leave it there. It's over. Leave it. A great lady or a mad
old trout, you decide -- Ally Harris.

Ally

Ally Tennant.

Alan

Ally Tennant. Ally Tennant. Sorry, er, sorry Ally for getting your
name wrong at the end. Ally Tennant not Ally Harris, getting names confused
there, but, er, hadn't heard of you before tonight. Now, um, let's move on.
What I want you to do, by the way, is just go and move over to the other
comfy chair.

Ally

Fine, OK.

Alan

Um, I'm going to bring on my next guest. What I want you to do is
obviously keep quiet for a bit, um, and then when I've got going, chatting
to my next guest, please feel free to chip in.

Alan

Now, my next guest is a man who first made his name back in the 60s.
He was voted Carnaby Street's "Mister Boutique" of 1969. He knew
all the pop stars. He was at all the parties. Whenever David Bailey was
seen with a beautiful woman, you can bet that my next guest had been there
first. These days, his retail empire is enormous. No High Street is
complete without its branch of "Wishing Wells", and I wish him
well. Super green, super sexy, eco-friendly and bloomin' rich, here he is,
Adam Wells.

Music: "Money, Money, Money" (instrumental).

Alan

(laughing) The end of his mike's come off there. Adam Wells,
welcome to the show.

It's gonna be in the shops from next week, go out kids and buy
millions.

Alan

All right.

Adam

Buy them in buckets.

Alan

Shh. Er, right. Now, back in the 60s. That's when it all happened.
Everyone was partying. All night long, all day long. Wasn't it, wasn't it a
great time? What was it all about, the 60s?

Adam

It was great...

Alan

Those parties...

Adam

Ally and I knew each other then, of course.

Alan

Did you?

Ally

Oh, very well, yes.

Adam

We didn't notice you at any of the parties, Alan.

Alan

Now, well I was, my 60s were in Norwich, really, it was... We kind of
called it Naughty Norwich. We had a great time, just partying all day long,
all night long. I remember, er, during one summer we just, hot summer, for
about three weeks, we just had barbecues non-stop, all day long. Amazing.

Ally

Sounds incredible.

Alan

Crazy.

Adam

It sounds fabulous.

Alan

Yeah. Suppose you were having orgies, were you?

Adam

(laughing) I was actually. Well, I mean, we all were.

Ally

It was the thing to do.

Alan

Did you go? You went to an orgy?

Ally

I went to many, yes, yes.

Alan

How, how?

Adam

They were mixed.

Alan

How, how do you start, how did you, how did you have an orgy then?
What did you do?

Ally

It's fairly self-explanatory.

Adam

Come on. It was 25 years ago. I can't remember the actual mechanics...

Alan

You must be able to. Try and remember.

Adam

...blow-by-blow.

Alan

Try and remember.

Adam

I can't remember.

Alan

Try and remember! Did you, did you, did you, did you ever, ever see,
er, what, did you ever see two girls kissing?

Adam

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the time. It was very free and easy.

Alan

Did you ever, did you ever kiss a bloke?

Adam

No!

Alan

Well, anyway, before you made your name with your vegi-shoes, you had
a hit with your first wife, Eve.

Adam

Yeah.

Alan

Adam and Eve, with that novelty hit.

Adam

Yeah, I don't, I don't...

Alan

Remember what it was called?

Adam

Oh yeah: "The Smiling Bicycle Of Amsterdam".

Alan

"The Smiling Bicycle Of Amsterdam". Well, we've got a bit of
a surprise for you because we are going to play that...

Adam

Oh, no...

Alan

...record that reached Number...

Adam

...don't embarrass me...

Alan

23 in the charts...

Adam

...oh, no.

Alan

24 years ago. Let's hear it.

Adam

I haven't heard it for years.

Alan

Listen to this.

Music

"Oh, don't take a bus."
"Don't take a tram."
"You're my girl and happy I am."
"You're my babe, it's a real wham-bam."
"On the smiling bicycle of Amsterdam."
"All aboard."
"Tickets please."
"Room for one more pixie."

Alan

Fantastic. Well, give a round of applause.

Applause.

Adam

Oh God.

Ally

Certainly, er...

Adam

That was just so...

Ally

Certainly brings back memories.

Adam

You are, you are, you are a naughty man. That is just so embarrassing.

Alan

Yeah...

Adam

So embarrassing.

Alan

I know, but please, let me just say thanks once again for bringing
that copy in. We couldn't find it anywhere. Thanks a lot for that. Now, um,
now, the, er, that was, that was then, this is now.

Adam

Is it?

Alan

Now, yes, shh. Now, "Wishing Wells", there's a "Wishing
Well" on every street. Adam Wells' shop "Wishing Wells" --
nice link with your name there. On every street. What's the concept behind
it, because it's a very different from normal shops, isn't it?

Adam

That's right.

Alan

It's very sort of different.

Adam

It is very different. I invented the slogan for "Wishing
Wells" back in '71, er, at the time I had a boutique on the Kings Road
called "Flair" and, er, in '71 I thought: Now I'm going to branch
out and I came out with the slogan which was "No tree has died. No
child has cried. To make the product that you have buyed."

Alan

Fantastic.

Adam

And that slogan, that ethos, still holds true today. The, the whole
thing about the shop was that we, we wanted to like, sell cheap ethnic
clobber to the masses, but made in Britain.

Alan

Right. So they can buy it and not feel guilty.

Adam

That's right.

Alan

I don't go in there so often. I'm more a kind of Argos, World of
Leather Man myself. Now...

Adam

You like, you like sitting on a dead cow at home, do you?

Alan

As long as they've, er, cut the head off. (laughs) That'd get
in the way, be flopping about, yeah. Now, I'll tell you what else I bought,
I bought, I bought one of those African masks.

Adam

Oh, they're terrific.

Alan

Tremendous. I, I, it was quite a, a, a, a, it was last Halloween. I
had a bit of a joke with it. You'll, like this, er, er, Ally. Um, the, the,
my two, my son and daughter had come home late. They'd been out clubbing
with their friends and, er, Denise and Fernando came in, and, er, they,
they walked into the living room with their friends. I think they wanted to
watch a video or something and I hid behind the curtains, with the African
mask on...

Adam

Oh no...

Alan

And when they came in and turned the lights on, I jumped out and said:
"Buga, Buga, Luga, I'm a big cannibal. I'm going to boil you in a pot
and eat you."

Adam

(laughing) I bet they loved that.

Alan

No, they found it very offensive. They said it was racist. Said it was
racist.

Adam

Yeah, well that's the loony-tuney left, you know.

Alan

That's...

Adam

You've hit on my Achilles bugbear there.

Alan

Yes, er. You're very different, aren't you?

Adam

I, I am different.

Alan

Did, did, did you go to sch..., did you study at university or...?

Adam

Ha, ha, ha ha ha ho. You know, or you should know, that I was educated
at the Uni...

Both

...versity of Life.

Alan

So was I.

Adam

And that's the best place. And I graduated with flying honours.

Alan

So did I.

Adam

I'm the warden of that university. I'm the rector. I'm the dean.

Alan

Well, I'm, I'm there as well. Um.

Adam

Ally, Ally, were you there?

Ally

I feel terribly left out, actually. No, I was at Keele, but, er, I
think I'm probably doing a postgraduate course.

Adam

What are O Levels? They're just bits of toilet paper. What are A
Levels?

Alan

Well, you know.

Adam

They're just bits of luxury toilet paper.

Alan

Yeah, that's a point, yeah, well, I mean, I agree with you in a way
there. I mean I've got O Levels and a couple of A Levels, but, er, you
know, maybe they're just bits of paper that you have framed in your office
on either side of the... You know, I mean, you know I've got six, um, O
Levels. Um, got four, four Bs and two Cs and er, got, er, I actually got
seven 'cause I got a, er, D in French but I retook that and got a B, so
that's seven, and, er, got, er, two A Levels. I, I, I, er, took French and,
er, Art and General Studies, but I dropped French because, um, er, it was
too much, but, I, I ended up with, er, er, a C in, er, Art and B, B in
General Studies, which, of course, I'm quite pleased about.

Adam

Right.

Alan

Yeah.

Adam

Thanks for letting us know that, Alan. Let's give him a round of
applause there.

Alan

OK, all right, OK, no we'll cut...

Adam

No, I'm sorry, I was out of order. I know, it's your show, you're the
boss.

Alan

No, that's all right. You can say that, just... shh. Your new drink,
Vegina. The advert's been banned.