Friday, December 5, 2014

There are a handful of people that know what I went
through this summer. How I let it affect me, how I am possibly still here and
at peace. They saw me break down over and over, and over again. Yet, still I've
made it to the end of yet another year. At one point I didn't believe I could
be broken anymore, and still I slid further and further. God was always on my
side, that doesn't mean it was a cakewalk. Sleep deprived, knees sore from
prayer and still I felt like I was dying. Finally I realized, life doesn't care
about you, about what you want, about what you deserve. It's all up to you.

Three strikes and your out! That’s the rule of life
right, that’s what people say when they're fed up with you. Well what do you
tell life when your fed up with it? Have you ever just lost everything you have
had or have ever wanted? Have you ever been so fed up with life that you just
have no more fight in you to give? I think about people who fall into this
category. Expectant mothers who suddenly lose the child in their womb, cancer patients who
hear there is nothing we can do. I think about me. All these people that have
love and life ripped from their hearts, for what, for this game called
life? Adapt or die. As many times as we’ve
heard it, the lesson doesn’t get easier. Problem is, we’re human. We want more
than just to survive. We want success, we want love, we want honesty, and
happiness. We want to be the best we can be so we fight like hell to get those
things, because as humans we know what we want and when we don't have
those things we want, and everything else feels like death.

Sometimes, things are simply out of your control.
You can't change them. You can't bend them to your will. It doesn't matter if
you're already forty-five minutes late, your hair isn't brushed, you haven't
fixed breakfast and you're killing brain cells by the second while you sit
here. Dying, dying inside you can't change the way things pan out.
Sure you can hope for the best but honestly hoping for the best never gets me
very far in life. Hoping for the best is not preparing for the worst and
preparing for the worst is the best thing you can do sometimes. Think about it,
what if we all factored in the worst-case scenario in our daily
lives, and interactions. When everything hits the fan I don't think we would be
as shocked or hurt that our lovers cheated on us, our bodies betrayed us, the
friends we thought we had turned their backs on us, or my personal favorite the
universe just simply hates us.

So what do you do? How
do you decide when you’re left in the dark? How do you make sure you’re not
making the worst decision of your life? How do you decide when you've had
enough? You close your eyes. You block out everyone and everything around you.
You pray the voice inside of you is right, because once you’ve decided you
can’t ever go back. It might be hard
for anyone to admit, but there's no shame in simply being human. It can be a
relief to stop hiding, to accept who you really are. A little self-awareness
never hurt anyone. Because when you know who you are, it's easier to know what
you're about, and what you really need. It's easy to know that you need someone
to help you through the rough patches. To ease you through the game, but what
do you do when you don't have that? When you have no fight in you but they
sympathy from others rolls in. Do you fight, or do you remain content with the
idea that you've done your job?

When your 0-2 how do you get the
next win? How do you attempt to tie the score? Moving forward what do you
do? Whenever we think we know the future, even for a second,
it changes. Sometimes the future changes quickly and completely and we’re left
only with the choice of what to do next. We can choice to be afraid of it. To
stand, trembling, not moving. Assuming the worst that can happen or we step
forward into the unknown and assume it will be brilliant. So what do you
do, plan for the worst and hope for the best pretending like the worst can't
happen, or do you remain aware of all possible options?