Lot of people drawing a check at Hulu and turning out a subpar service.

The name Hulu comes from two Mandarin Chinese words…both of which translate roughly to “shite”.

Now, just to be fair…I wouldn’t sign up for Netflix if my life depended on it.

iTunes is a horribly antiquated business model (and offers very little value for consumers).

Amazon Prime Video was petty to disallow MacBooks (as incompatible devices) as late as last year. Not to mention that Jeff Bezos is just a wannabe Rupert Murdoch who bans books like Nobody Died at Sandy Hook. [And yes, Virginia, Murdoch is the great Satan.]

And so, with such a paltry selection of movies on Hulu, I’ve been forced to examine its television offerings. The prospects are not much better.

But I will give credit where credit is due.

Mr. Bean was an excellent pickup.

If you want a tight, seamless work of art (unlike this rambling, frothing review), then check out the episode under consideration.

You know, not even the childlike Rowan Atkinson was above making fun of old people (in this episode) or suggesting that continental Europeans be purposefully killed by British drivers (tourists). Check out his standup comedy album from 1995 for the latter bit.

Which just goes to show…we all lose our heads.

We all exercise poor judgment. We all have poor taste now and then.

You may not believe it, but I have put my own sorry butt on the line to stand up for world Jewry.

I will be the first to admit that my term “Judeo-Nepotistic” is incredibly crass and insensitive.

And still, I would ask that Jews (who are no doubt hard-pressed on all sides) please exercise some judgment of their own. Transparent nepotism is really tasteless. It goes against our better Jeffersonian principles.

So there you have it. Bobby Fischer was a jerk. The Holocaust really happened. Not so sure about the gas chambers. You’re welcome Faurisson. The Earth is not flat. 9/11 was an inside job (and therefore not an Israeli job). Insofar as it was an Israeli job, the U.S. government was at least half-responsible. It was much more likely an Israeli job than a Saudi job. Much more likely a purely self-inflicted inside job (no substantial Israeli involvement) than an Israeli job. And finally, Israel is a criminal country oppressing the Palestinians in a most disgusting manner.

And for good measure, yes Donald Trump is a bigot. And he’s horribly wrong about immigration (both in regards to our Mexican brothers and sisters and our Islamic brothers and sisters). But he’s still the only real choice for President.

Sanders has been right about one thing: Snowden. Snowden’s a hero. But America is not a socialist country. Sanders would actually be a bigger step backwards than Trump.

I’m beginning to wonder if someone at Tartan Films has their head screwed on backwards.

But let’s be fair: Tartan Films released one of the most important films of the century so far (12:08 East of Bucharest).

Whatever the case may be, let me be clear that The Death of Mr. Lazarescu is (in my book) by no means a comedy.

When I first saw this film it struck me as that which I still regard it: a sad, sad film.

However, I must point out that this mini-masterpiece from director Cristi Puiu has aged extremely well (unlike the lead character).

The reason this picture is so good is really the immense contribution of Ioan Fiscuteanu and Luminița Gheorghiu.

The late Mr. Fiscuteanu (God rest his soul) gives one of the finest performances in the history of cinema as the titular Dante Remus Lazarescu. The symbolism of the names should be noted. Rings of hell. Ineffective medical systems at the state level. Heartless bureaucracy. Song of the South. Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah. Mr. Bluebird on my shoulder. And finally, Jesus wept. Or Jesu swept. Arise, Lazarus.

The smell… Ugh. Yeah…

This film packs a punch. It is realism. If you had a hard day at the office, don’t watch this. Hard day at the coal mine? Not recommended viewing.

But if you want to see the golden nugget at the center of humanity’s inextinguishable heart, then watch as Luminița Gheorghiu goes beyond the call of duty as nurse Mioara. She is a paramedic with gall bladder problems. She and the driver of the ambulance which carts around Mr. Lazarescu make “less than nothing” (to quote the subtitles).

Yes. You will see the saddest shit imaginable. You will see an acting tour de force by Ioan Fiscuteanu as what? An ordinary man. Age 63. Headache. Stomach ache. Something is wrong.

And. You will see the real eyes of compassion. Not too much. Not too little. Luminița Gheorghiu. The nurse who respectfully disagrees. The nurse who takes insults all night long. Just to save one man. Lazarus.

She. Has to go smoke a cigarette in the kitchen. The paramedic. In Russia, every part of the plane is the smoking section. That was the quote from the inimitable Genghis Blues. And so. Romania. We are not given a year. A left-running TV offhandedly mentions Timișoara. Is it the revolution?

What is the ambulance delay? An hour response time. In Bucharest! Pre-Revolution or post-Revolution?

We don’t know. I don’t know.

Maybe it is left vague on purpose.

In closing, this is a very (very) important film. It’s like a slap of cold water in the face. It ain’t pleasant. This isn’t a fun movie.

But it is wholly worth seeing. Lead actor Fiscuteanu would be dead within two years. But you know what? He did it. He succeeded. This is a timeless testament. Line up Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, Dustin Hoffman…all of them together (at this time) are shit compared to Fiscuteanu’s performance in The Death of Mr. Lazarescu. Only Hoffman has the chops to challenge. Dustin, it would have to be even better than Rain Man. Ready thyself if you want to compete with Ioan Fiscuteanu. It’s gonna take every pitiful cell in your body. You can do it. It might do you in.

To recap: first episode, pretty awesome. Second episode #prettyterrible. And third episode?

Quite good.

In general, all of the things you may have loved about the Austin Powers debut film return here as progressed elements.

Likewise, the shoddy aspects of episode two are herein absent or otherwise fixed.

I was pleasantly surprised.

Mike Myers recovers some of the real-life mojo he seemingly lost in the shag-a-flopic middle piece.

The character of Goldmember (played by Myers) is a significant improvement upon the generally stale Fat Bastard.

Beyoncé Knowles is pretty darn good in this film as well.

I was skeptical coming in. Didn’t really know her as an actress. Only slightly know her music.

But there’s a reason I didn’t know her as an actress. Because this was her film debut.

Thank you Wikipedia.

Now we’re getting somewhere…

However, perhaps the most genius (evil genius?) dimension of this film is the dream-within-a-dream fourth-wall-destroying cameo sequence of Tom Cruise, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kevin Spacey, and John Travolta (among others). Lot ‘a Scientologists there…

Continuing:

The big add-on, however, is Michael Caine. It was really a choice bit of casting to introduce him into the mix.

That said, I’ve been a bit harsh on Mike Myers. Really, it is formidable that he pulls a Peter Sellers by playing Austin, Dr. Evil, Goldmember, and Fat Bastard in this film. They are all distinct characters. In truth, Myers succeeds admirably by way of his talent for dialects. Dutch is such an odd choice (as a spin on English), but Johan van der Smut (aka Goldmember) is indeed a novel attempt.

888 to you, my friend!

Yes…it’s not coming to the Criterion Collection anytime soon (unless it’s April 1st), but that’s alright. After a grueling day this might be just the perfect film to make you forget for a moment.

Crack a laugh if you can.

Heartily recommended for James Bond aficionados in need of psychic adjustment.