Hi and goodbye

Hi, it is crow again. I have decided that my joke of a life can not continue. This is final. I just want to tell my story to anyone who will listen. I await and expect the excrutiating pain of sharp cuts through my wrists. ( so, please, if anyone can give me details on how to cut well or have tried this, please post here so I can do it successfully ).

A lot of people think I am ugly. A guy once said I look like a man. Another guy looked me in the face and asked me very seriously how he should talk to pretty girls, he said he just froze when he came near them. thanks.

Then you get the few people who think I look good ( say my bone structure is perfect ) this freaks me out...if I could only once and for all know that I am hot or not I could bloody go on with my life and ignore the opposite sex or whatever. but no, everyone always has conflicting ideas about me.

I'm smart, that is one thing I have. But nobody wants me to be smart. I hide my marks from people or I get bitchy jealous comments if they are revealed. Intelligence can not be mentioned around my friends or they go nuts. all of them. I have to tip toe around people. Comments like "you're smart but I'm hot" come up a lot. OK. Yes I am, and I have to endure these types of mentalities every day. I try to be nice to everyone, but after a while I feel irritated about it all.

I had quote "hideous" acne for 7 years, and I was generally accepted to be the grossest thing that ever moved. no really, what I had can barely qualify as skin. i was a monster, and that is the truth. these thoughts haunt me over and over, the idea that if I don't take my pills I turn into an actual monster. shivers. Of course friends were overjoyed by this because the idea that i could be smart and normal looking was terrifying to them. and this really hurt me, that people could be so cruel.

Basically, I live in fear and doubt about myself. I am dead scared that someone will say grosse what an ugly chick in my face or that I will become a monster again. I am so sad that my friends hate me for having one talent called smartness ( and no, i'm not Einstein, i'm smart but not brilliant ). I just want the confusion to end.

Also I got a crush on a guy who served me in a restaurant once. I know, how sad, how pathetic, I hardly know the guy and think I am in love. he was good looking and had a great personality. And he was really nice to me. Of course I bitched him out because I thought he was feeling sorry for me( my skin was still quite bad back then anyway ). I was so mad that he could act normal around me and ask me questions like "what book are you reading" whilst he could see that I am a freak. He hated me ever since that day, but I liked him, because I saw he had a good, kind soul. Of course then I hate myself because how can I ever date or marry someone knowing my genetics is messed up grosse? I felt so guilty. Anyway, this just depressed me more.

Basically, I just want peace in my life. I want people to stop judging me and being mean to me because I have talent. But I know it will never stop. And that is why I will buy a nice warm waffle with syrup and ice cream to celebrate my escape from this world, and then cut my wrists to pieces. I've really lived a horrible 19 years. "hideous" as people will point out...I wish you all the best of luck, and I expect insane amounts of pain, but it is worth it. Biologically I just can not continue this lie of a life.

i read your story. i can see how that can be very, very difficult--especially how cruel everyone in your story could be. sometimes, though, we just have to know that people can be jealous creatures--ones that want to be better, faster, stronger, prettier, and smarter than everyone else. in the instance of your friends insulting your intelligence, i remember how competitive high school was. people would hunt you down and ask your grade to see if they scored higher than you did. and then, if you did, you could feel the animosity radiating off of them. the truth is, some people just have that characterisitc built into them. they will always be competitive and mean about it, because that's the only way they know how to feel like they matter. you should celebrate your intelligence! don't let anyone else get you down. being bright is a gift, and if you are hanging out with others who cannot help you revel in that, then perhaps meeting new people is in order.

about your acne...it seems like the medication would help with that, and that it would also clear up after a few years. i assume you are in your teens, which could be a horrible assumption, but in the case that you are, then remember: everyone has something! braces, fuzzy eyebrows, their boobs are too small, their boobs are too big, they are too tall, they are too short--it seems as if NOTHING is a good characteristic, even if it really is! so hang in there with the medication, and if it isn't helping in the way that you would like, then perhaps talking to the doctor would help! i'm sure there are plenty of medications that would help with that.

when it comes to other people, i know its easy to generalize and put everyone in the same catagory. it's easy to say, "well, everyone else is mean to me, so new people i meet will be mean, as well." this is not true. there are so many wonderful people out there who don't want to pity you or treat you poorly. you just have to trust that there are. i have trouble with trust myself, but i know that if you pick and choose who to trust carefully, keep your guard up but at the same time, be very polite about it, then perhaps you won't be hurt so often.

the last thing i wanted to ask you was to please, stay with us. this forum has helped me realize that there are people in the world who i may not have met, but that still care about me very, very much. so many of your troubles seem like they can be helped if only you give it a chance! you'll be in my thoughts and if you want to talk, feel free to PM me anytime. hang in there and stay strong--i know it may not seem worth it now, but someday, it will. keep fighting!! stay with us!!! hope to talk to you soon ::hug::

Hi Crow, I really empathize with your situation here. I hate the whole 'girls have to be pretty, dumb and whores' attitude that permeates our society these days, particularly schools. You're clearly very smart; your comment about the guy asking your advice when speaking to 'pretty' girls gave me a chuckle

As for the acne, well that's something I've had to put up with too (look at some of my other posts here). It really saps your confidence; I had to do a lot of presentations in college etc and I knew every-time that people were looking at my spots, rather then listening to what I had to say. Then I discovered Benzyl Peroxide; it's VERY good at cleaning up acne, although you have to use it every day. Please try it. Check out this site: http://www.acne.org/

Also, have you thought about changing your 'look'? A new wardrobe, new hairstyle etc can really make a huge difference. There must be style you like. Remember, it's not what other people think, it's about what YOU think. Confident people are not confident because they think everyone loves them - they're confident because they love themselves.

hi Crow thought I would share a story to show you that things are not always going to be as we feel they will: I was over weight and fairly grotesque in high school...a boy, Burt, made sure to remind me of this everyday in home room...he tortured me...move ahead 3 years...I am working as a summer replacement as a ground stew for an airlines...dressed in my short, crisp uniform, 4 sizes smaller than high school, with my hair cut and highlighted, a man asks me for a drink...yes, it was that turd Burt...I declined the drink and sent his bags to Alaska...ahhhhhhhh life IS good sometimes...things can change; wishing you more reasons to stay with us as we truly care...big hugs, Jackie

thanks, everyone. You are all so kind, helpful and rational. I really appreciate the support. To tell the truth I actually have no money left for a waffle right now!! I await my monthly allowance. Yes, sometimes I consider that there is a small grain of hope for me in the world, that my problems are not as bad as they could have been. But too often the temptation of infinite peace/nothingness infiltrates my mind. I suppose I could see my brain as a weapon against the world and people in it, but that is not in my nature to do. I can't call someone a friend and then hurt them with comments and mind games. It wouldn't seem rational. But I will try to evaluate my options as best I can whilst I have no money for the waffle!! I might as well. thanks once again.

I know how you feel i really do and although i can empathise with how you feel i just know there must be some positive's in your life other than your intelligence and i suggest you take some time to look at them and i mean really look at these thing and you should see the light. Now i also think that you asking for advice on how to sucessfully slit your Wrist's is rather unsettleing and it is something that i refuse to give, But i hope that you will at least try to find some positve to focus on and find some comfort there