It's not very good. It has way too many callbacks to other series and I found none of what was proposed particularly funny.

And you misspelled 'Constitution'.

EDIT: Plus, projects like Star Trek are usually developed 'in-house' by the company that owns the rights.

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It gives me great pleasure to address your points.

1) 'callbacks' - that's entirely it's point. if it can be done well, it should be done.

2) humor - to each their own, but you haven't heard a line of dialogue yet.

3) any typo is a result of a cut and paste operation into the bbs commenting structure. i also lost all all of my bold headings, indentations, and italicizations. the text has seen a thousand sets of eyes (literally) before yours.

4) Nicholas Meyer, Harve Bennett, and JJ Abrams. i rest my case.

i love being underestimated. so please continue with any questions or quibbles.

i'm not afraid of opinion, and i have spent farrrrrr more hours on the business and negotiation aspects of this proposal than you're estimating.

Because you've published it for everyone to see and to copy and then claim CBS stole their ideas.

Same reason authors don't like for folks to mention story ideas in the Trek Literature forum.

Plus, I would think CBS would like to keep the contents of any new Trek series from the public until they are ready to announce it.

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fortunately i know a lot about this field, and i have pretty keen advisors.

this treatment is registered with the WGA, and only released on specific terms.

i'm well cognizant of the secrecy around the Trek empire, and this violates none. (if i were to share my 'bible' and teleplay's on the otherhand...). this proposal reflects an anthology presentation of existing licensed material (with obvious expository situations expected). as a fan, i don't like the secrecy of the organization. it's warranted in some regard, but far too extreme in others. as well, i do my best to Captain Kirk my way around the rules.

my tactic is 'leverage' of product. i'm not naive to think that there aren't a million Star Trek ideas out there.

this is a pitch, among many, that is WGA registered, and developed in depth. the overall proposal includes a business plan, a bible, 4 teleplays, and detailed story outlines for 188 episodes. (plus cover letters, synopses, etc)

in terms of most pitches for ANY series, there are few as detailed as this.. (even just in what i've posted here)

and i throw in the added bonus of reconciling the franchise continuity/time and proposed use of the movie cast in their age appropriate roles.

to my knowledge, NO OTHER TREK PITCH has yet to make that consideration. (and JJ Abrams is out, now, remember)

i'm trying, of course, to please fans, for which i would classify myself as a former/current MEGA FAN... but ultimately, like i mentioned earlier, it's gotta be something that grabs the exec well enough to make it to screen. i could have it on tv for fall '13 with a greenlight tomorrow (not anticipated), but i'm well into my calendar of roll out/actualization for fall '14.

i'm not doubting troubles and hair pulling with CBS. however, as mentioned, i'm approaching with leverage (and this includes contacts with key players for enactment of my proposal, talent and creative-wise, which i'm not naming at this time)

post script: and as much as we'd like to think so, TrekBBS can't exactly be categorized as "the general public." it's a fraction of a percent of the fanbase. (we're the ones hardcore enough for BBS-ing?)

this is a pitch, among many, that is WGA registered, and developed in depth. the overall proposal includes a business plan, a bible, 4 teleplays, and detailed story outlines for 188 episodes. (plus cover letters, synopses, etc)

this is a pitch, among many, that is WGA registered, and developed in depth. the overall proposal includes a business plan, a bible, 4 teleplays, and detailed story outlines for 188 episodes. (plus cover letters, synopses, etc)

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That's rather impressive, however.

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yep, literally. 'eye's only' in different incarnations prior to registration, and then through my personal social networks afterwards. (just this info) (i've got quite a spectrum, personally, and i have the perks of owning a couple facebook pages with between 30-40k [though not in the genre]).

Commanded by Captain Robert APRIL, and documented by his bookkeeper, COLT, these two characters will encounter the discontinuity and be tasked to restore the Star Trek universe to PRIMETIME.

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I don't think that's a good idea. First off, only big fans of Trek care about the previous timeline(s). Second, do you really want a series that strives to restore what was abandoned four years ago ? The whole point of the reboot was to do away with all that. I don't see CBS wanting to go back on all this.

I also don't think CBS cares about previous plot holes or about "Roddenberry's vision". The treatment gives way too much minutiae about Trek that, again, they will just skip over, in my opinion.

Commanded by Captain Robert APRIL, and documented by his bookkeeper, COLT, these two characters will encounter the discontinuity and be tasked to restore the Star Trek universe to PRIMETIME.

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I don't think that's a good idea. First off, only big fans of Trek care about the previous timeline(s). Second, do you really want a series that strives to restore what was abandoned four years ago ? The whole point of the reboot was to do away with all that. I don't see CBS wanting to go back on all this.

I also don't think CBS cares about previous plot holes or about "Roddenberry's vision". The treatment gives way too much minutiae about Trek that, again, they will just skip over, in my opinion.

in re: the previous time line... if a showrunner can present an idea that makes that issue irrelevant (meaning knowledge of the franchise and care for continuity while delivering quality material) it doesn't matter to 'new fans', while it appeases the 'old fans'. it isn't a matter of 'going back' on anything. i present an storyline that reconciles the two timelines. as well, the franchise wasn't re-booted necessarily. with a read of the non-movie Trek material, post 2009, you'll see that the franchise is working towards continuity reconciliation... EVERYONE connects to the "Hobus incident"/Genesis.

in re: the racial makeup of the cast... funny to me that you should think that. when approaching this project, i asked myself the exact question, "what would be the realistic racial breakdown of humanity in 2244," and began to pen accordingly. while it is true that the principles are 'white', one is British and the other a red-head, that is an story aspect that i am stuck with. APRIL was the first captain of the Enterprise, and COLT was his yeoman.

the tertiary characters, however, combat every aspect of racial (and age related) homogeneity.

the characters POOLE and SIMON are middle age women, Simon being close to elderly.

FLORIDA i have interpreted as Spanish.
SANEWAY has been characterized in continuity as Indian.
ALLINSKY i have interpreted as an older Jewish man.
PRESIDENT QSAR is represented as middle eastern.
and prominently
if you'll recall the races of the characters from continuity which my leads report to/are subordinate to
MORROW (STIII) and CARTWRIGHT (STIV,STVI) are black.
and Fleet Admiral NOGURA....

my casting directives (lead, guest, or regular) can be categorized as a age, gender, and racial 'balance'. more than any trek incarnation yet. with no "tokens."

i wanna see the show a hit worldwide, in part to the casting considerations.

Just FYI to any with interest: anyone can register a script with the WGA (all you need is an internet connection and the $25 registration fee), even non-members. All that means is that you have proof that you created it in the highly unlikely event someone were to steal it, unless you a Guild Member, in which case you can ask them to go to bat for you.

I skimmed the initial post, and I must say I hope this isn't an actual pitch document, because if so, it's not compelling. It's much too concerned with minutia that no TV exec is going to care about instead of leading with, "this is the show, these are the characters, there are the types of stories we'll be telling and here's why it'll be a success."

in re: the previous time line... if a showrunner can present an idea that makes that issue irrelevant (meaning knowledge of the franchise and care for continuity while delivering quality material) it doesn't matter to 'new fans', while it appeases the 'old fans'.

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Your treatment seems to spend quite a bit of energy talking about it, so I assumed it was a selling point. If not, why mention it at all ?

it isn't a matter of 'going back' on anything. i present an storyline that reconciles the two timelines.

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"Reconciles" ? Time was changed. There's nothing to reconciled: it's different now. And that is most definitely a fan perspective. Most viewers, and the studio, wouldn't care for that.

APRIL was the first captain of the Enterprise, and COLT was his yeoman.

Anything to do with Pike and/or April is better left to the realms of novels and comics. Why? Cause people don't care. They want Kirk and Spock; to a lesser extent Picard and Data. They want the characters that are part of the fabric of American pop-culture.

Anything to do with Pike and/or April is better left to the realms of novels and comics. Why? Cause people don't care. They want Kirk and Spock; to a lesser extent Picard and Data. They want the characters that are part of the fabric of American pop-culture.

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That's also true and something I forgot to mention.

The OP seems written for the poster, not for studio execs and certainly not with the general viewers in mind.

And a Trek sitcom ? And transitioning to the current movie cast seems like a fanboyish dream. At best you get guest appearances.

And if you really want to be obsessed with minutiae here, and assuming the Countdown To Darkness comics is "canon", Robert April was under the command of a different Enterprise twenty years before 2259, so the previously-established dates are all wrong, and THIS Enterprise is actually a brand new one (which is implied by the dialogue in ST09.)

Just FYI to any with interest: anyone can register a script with the WGA (all you need is an internet connection and the $25 registration fee), even non-members. All that means is that you have proof that you created it in the highly unlikely event someone were to steal it, unless you a Guild Member, in which case you can ask them to go to bat for you.

I skimmed the initial post, and I must say I hope this isn't an actual pitch document, because if so, it's not compelling. It's much too concerned with minutia that no TV exec is going to care about instead of leading with, "this is the show, these are the characters, there are the types of stories we'll be telling and here's why it'll be a success."

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i appreciate criticism, but not veiled attempts at trying to paint me as a hack who has $25.

WGA registration is a necessary first step to have your document viewed by ANYONE. non-members can register and they should, after they make a writing attempt. this is the step that 99% of fandom misses, therefore...

i encourage everyone to take the time to write and register something; TRY. it's a noble effort to make an attempt at something you like.

and finally, no, this is not a cover letter, logline, pitch, script or synopsis. this is a treatment, which is a broader overview of the project and a document which accompanies those things.

sorry it's not compelling to you, but i find your criticism... well... not compelling. i think the allegory and characters will sit well with modern audiences. especially when the series that it morphs into is a raking a quarter million box office worldwide.

When the pitch said the show was going to be like Benson and Parks and Rec, I stopped reading. 1. Benson was on like 30 years ago. Who cares? 2. Benson and Parks and Rec have VERY different types of humor. Which is it?

And having 188 outlines stories? That's a bad idea. They don't care about that. They would want to know first season and ideas of the general direction of the remaining seasons. 188 outlined stories... what if about 25 in, things aren't working out...? All of those outlines are going to be dumped. Having that many outlined stories shows you are an amateur. If you were seriously pitching it, I wouldn't tell them that.

Besides, in order to actually pitch it, do you have an agent, or a manager? Have you produced television before?

They won't hand the keys over to a franchise to someone with little or no experience. The BEST you could hope for: they buy your idea, give you a created by credit, and hand the show over to an experience showrunner.

WGA registration is a necessary first step to have your document viewed by ANYONE. non-members can register and they should, after they make a writing attempt. this is the step that 99% of fandom misses, therefore...

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This isn't true. I haven't registered scripts in a long time. I've had plenty of meetings all over LA with studios and networks.

i encourage everyone to take the time to write and register something; TRY. it's a noble effort to make an attempt at something you like.

and finally, no, this is not a cover letter, logline, pitch, script or synopsis. this is a treatment, which is a broader overview of the project and a document which accompanies those things.

sorry it's not compelling to you, but i find your criticism... well... not compelling. i think the allegory and characters will sit well with modern audiences. especially when the series that it morphs into is a raking a quarter million box office worldwide.

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A quarter million box office? 250,000 dollars isn't very much. That's like... you can't even make a TV show for that. Do you mean quarter of a BILLION? 250 million dollars... that's about how much Into Darkness cost to make and advertise.

in re: the previous time line... if a showrunner can present an idea that makes that issue irrelevant (meaning knowledge of the franchise and care for continuity while delivering quality material) it doesn't matter to 'new fans', while it appeases the 'old fans'.

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Your treatment seems to spend quite a bit of energy talking about it, so I assumed it was a selling point. If not, why mention it at all ?

it isn't a matter of 'going back' on anything. i present an storyline that reconciles the two timelines.

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"Reconciles" ? Time was changed. There's nothing to reconciled: it's different now. And that is most definitely a fan perspective. Most viewers, and the studio, wouldn't care for that.

APRIL was the first captain of the Enterprise, and COLT was his yeoman.

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This was never stated in canon, mind you.

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the timeline can be reconciled. it's called inventive storytelling.
it involves the eventual use of Sarpedion as a plot device and that's all i can articulate.

APRIL was the first captain of the Enterprise.

that was the only thing of TAS that was accepted as actual canon. the rest of the characters are from the memory alpha and beta 'continuities' which i hope to bring into the franchise canon 'whole'. a stated objective in the treatment.

COLT's first posting within this expanded continuity--mind you, Trek licensed and paid for novels, etc--was under his command.