Wednesday, 11 April 2012

At some point comes a realisation that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step that can be taken is to stop. Leave, to walk away. Its not called giving up, and its not trying to show to the world that you should quit when things don't go your way. Its just realising when to draw a line between determination and desperation. Giving up, doesn't mean you are weak, it means you are strong enough to let go, and the minute you let go is when you realize that what truly is yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try will never be. Sometimes you have to try to not care no matter how much you really do, because someone might mean everything to you, but you might mean nothing to them. This shouldn't be perceived as pride, its basic self respect .Its hard spending your whole life waiting for something that you know will never happen, but its when you try to give up on that flicker of hope that you somehow always seem to hold on to,that you realize that its harder,since that something is everything you want.
And that's why its so hard for me, to stop myself from liking you,this feeling is part of me now, but sometimes the hardest things and the right things in life, turn out to be the same. At times, I just close my eyes, and pretend that its alright, but its never enough, I have to learn to except the fact that you can't be mine, have to accept that the ending we want, is not always the ending we get. Its what you have always wanted, its the only thing that i know you truly wants from me, to stop liking you, but until now i was not strong enough to do it. Its really tough, but its not a sacrifice, it my last effort to save things, to save myself, and most importantly to save our friendship, which i now value more than my life.
I want you to know, that this is my goodbye gift to you and that whatever there was, has ended, whatever remains, will end, This is how our story ends,as friends and that this is how i want you to remember me.

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

I am sorry for not being able to choose my happiness over yours. I'm sorry that every time i close my eyes i see you. i smile every time i think of you, and there is always a catch in my throat when i think of your laughter, I’m sorry. I’m sorry about the million times that I have cried just because i miss you and I’m sorry about all the dreams where you appear as my savior on a white horse. I’m sorry for believing in dreams, believing that they ever come true. I’m sorry about how my heart begins to race when i see you walk towards me, sorry that i can never look you in the eye when we talk, it makes me nervous. I’m sorry for praying for you every morning and sorry that i imagine us for every song. I’m sorry that i search a crowded room for your face, and sorry that when i finally find you, it seems that nothing can ever go wrong in the world. I’m sorry that i give into your every wish, sorry, but i just don’t have it in me to be able to say no to you. I’m sorry for wishing that it’s you every time my phone rings. Sorry for letting you live in my subconscious mind. Sorry, that you’re the only one whose got enough of me to break my heart. i am sorry, for not knowing how to stop, sorry that i don’t know how to leave, just walk away. I’m sorry for hoping that someday you’ll turn around and try to find me, I’m sorry, because i know I’ll be right there waiting. I’m sorry but i love you, and there is nothing that you or i can do about it.

Thursday, 26 January 2012

This pull, is it a physical pull or an emotional pull? It’s pulling me towards Him. I try to turn, twist, break through it, but it just doesn’t let me go. Trust, Faith and Self Respect, they glare at me, they are the ones pulling me from one end, they don’t want to lose, they want to keep me away from Him. They don’t want love to win. Love?What if I fall apart? I’m not made of metal, fragile, that’s me. This struggle, this fight, why? There is an easier way out someone whispers in my ear. Slowly I close my eyes. A long winding tunnel, it seemed to be beckoning me to enter. I can see it, I can reach it. Someone shouts, it sounds like my Subconscious mind. I can hear it, but its fading as I give into the silence, it’s so far from the struggle. Where will this lead me? Death, my Subconscious mind echoes. Embracing death, that’s what I’m doing. Is that the only choice? I’ll open my eyes and I’ll be engaged in the war again, I wish I could see Him. He would tell me what to do, he’d walk me home. Home? Where is that? I don’t belong anymore. But I know I’d still follow him. I’d even follow to Hell. Hell, maybe that’s where I’ll go. But my life right now is worse than even the darkest corner of Hell. Why is there no light? Is it because He isn’t here? I need Him. This struggle, this fight, it’s too much for me. Is he watching from somewhere? Maybe he likes to watch me break down. Pain. I will smile, it will make him wonder, maybe he will come to check, check why I am not suffering. Will he come? I can’t breathe…maybe I have reached the tunnel. Finally.Shouldn’t the pain leave now? New feeling. No feeling. Numb. Now I suddenly prefer the pain. At least it felt like something. Happiness. What is that? It’s a distant memory, too far. All I remember are tears. I see faces, they come to me, and they talk to me. But they are unknown. They aren’t Him. Where is He? Maybe this is Love…is it? No, this is more. Where is he? I can feel myself slipping away. Self-respect is still fighting, but I can feel it grow weak. It stops. I can hear the silence suddenly. I’m not being pulled anymore, where am I? I feel lost. Will he come find me? I want him too. Maybe then I’ll feel something. Anything. Faith and Trust are hurt, they want me to believe. Believe? He hasn’t come yet. Where is he? Burning. Ah, at last. The fire ignites my body filling me with power, it feels good. Someone screams. It’s Self-respect. It doesn’t like the warmth, it hurts it. Why? It’s the warmth of love. I can see him. He came, for me? Or for himself? But he came. That’s all that matters. I am smiling, it feels so different, and I’m not used to it. He is close to me now. Love has won. I can hear it laugh, Love knew it would win. He is close, so close. I take in every detail, the sparkling eyes, the tantalizing smile, the stride… I save the images in my mind. He passes me, did he even see me? He’s gone already. Why did he go? But it doesn’t matter, he came, I saw him. I am home.