Something Smells Like Shit in or Around My Apartment Right Now

This is not an expression. Every afternoon, from about 4 p.m. until some time after dark, it smells exactly like doodoo in here. Best of all, the stink seems to center in my office.

Yesterday, Sgt. Lucky came home from class and I mentioned the issue to him and he said, “Oh, thank God. I thought you were just sitting here farting while I was at school.”

This is what he thinks of me.

Our best guess is that someone left a big bag of turds out on the sidewalk, because the smell seems to fade when we close the windows. Also, it only appeared right after the weather changed. New York, New York, it’s a helluva town!

Yesterday, I went bananas and ran all over the apartment looking for hidden poo, but found nothing. I looked at the bottom of every shoe, which means that I personally examined 5873 shoes. (We both have a problem. Also, one shoe seems to be missing.)

In the end, we concluded that it had to be coming from outside. So if you’ve lost your big bag of turds, it’s probably somewhere on our block. Just let me know, and I’ll attempt to geolocate it using only my abused nose as a guide.