Virginia Politics: The Cow At The Stoplight

March 20, 2005|By BARNIE DAY

Democrats

The cow at the stoplight is giving me a look. The thing is, I recognize it -- not this cow, but the look she is giving me. It is that doltish stare of vague unease and bewilderment. I have seen it before. Virginia Republicans have two looks these days: either the one this cow is exhibiting, or that fierce, clenched-jaw look of determination and survival, that Zell Miller look you see on the news when folks are filmed climbing out of the wreckage of hurricanes.

She is a big black and white Holstein. A beautiful, high-dollar animal. We are locked in a stare-down at one of Patrick County's four stoplights. I guess it is some of that wretched growth you read about in Northern Virginia. Not so long ago we didn't have stoplights here. Who needs lights when time itself is stopped?

The stock trailer is so small and this cow so big, that she has to hang her head out of the back. She is definitely giving me that Republican look. I am wondering what she is thinking. She appears to be ... well ... just wondering.

Perhaps she wonders about Morgan Griffith's math, his understanding of the numbers in the House of Delegates. They had a little "glad-you're-staying" soiree for Joe May somewhere upstate the other day. May, one of the brightest bulbs in the GOP marquee, is dropping his bid for statewide glory and will try to keep his House seat -- and Griffith was there to lay it on pretty thick for him. "I wish we had a hundred Joe Mays in the House," Griffith said.

Umm-hmm. Morgan, that would mean you wouldn't be there. A lot of us wish that.

Speaker Bill Howell was at May's little shindig. Perhaps this big Holstein is wondering about him. Said he last week of Virginia's GOP affairs in general: "We are a team. We are united."

Umm-hmm. That's why it is going to take something pamphlet-sized just to print the Republican ballot for the spring primary. Forget about a bus. It'll take Amtrak to haul the "united" Republican candidates. This "team" unity is the same reason Jerry Kilgore has to hold a press conference to say the GOP is behind him.

Maybe this brute trying to stare me down is wondering about this first poll that's out. Maybe she's running the numbers I have run. Kilgore has spent $46,689.15 per point for the 46 points he polls. That means Russ Potts' six points are worth $280,000. That's what Republican reaction to his campaign has been worth to him. How else do you explain even six points for a man just two weeks in the race, a man with no name recognition, no money raised, no money spent?

Or it could be this cow is wondering about Kilgore, wondering about that lame "fake Kaine memo" stunt his campaign pulled last week. What's next, Jerry? Whoopee cushions? Hand buzzers? Those little trick lapel flowers that squirt water in your face? Think about hiring my cat to write the stand-up stuff for you from here on out. Sammy's not much, but, hey, he's better than anything you've got. Works cheap, too. He'll cut all kinds of shines for a bowl of milk now and then. At the very least, Jerry, don't sign off on stupid stuff like this again. At least keep somebody you can fire in front of you on stuff like this.

Just then, inexplicably, I look away for one split second. But that's all it takes. When I look back, this cow belches up a wad of cud and begins to chew contentedly. If cows can smile, this one does. She knows that she has bested me in our stare-down. Just as well. The light changes and we part company.

Day is a former Democratic delegate representing Patrick County. His commentaries appear regularly at www.roanoke.com. *