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Therapy Thursday

One of my buddies recently proposed to his girlfriend. They have been dating for just under 2 years, and I was actually the one to introduce the two of them (I had a girlfriend at the time, saw her, and basically threw the two of them together). But after they started dating, I realized that I strongly disliked her for her immature demeanor and manipulative ways. My buddy moved in with her, and I never really expressed my dislike for her, as it didn’t really seem my place. He asked me to be his best man, and it is at this point that I feel a strong impulse to say something to him. Because if I was really his best man, shouldn’t I have said something two years ago? And if I let him go through with it, what the hell am I supposed to say for my speech?

Sincerely, Worst Best Man

Dear Worst,

You seem like a very nice guy, so I am going to give you the benefit of my own mistakes. You have to look at this from your buddy’s point of view. He’s found a woman who he loves, and who lets him have sex with her on an at least semi-regular schedule. This is choice, and if it is to be the mother of all mistakes, he’ll figure that out soon enough. Unfortunately for you, you are going to have to sit this one out in the sidelines until it all goes down eventually. You can take your friend aside and finally come clean that you think his lady is manipulative and immature, but you aren’t going to get a friendly pat on the back for it. In fact, you may very well alienate him and cause him to feel like he has to choose between your friendship and his fiancé. I don’t think I have to tell you which way he’s likely to go on that choice.

The truth is, he’s going to either love her just the way she is, learn to live with her, or end things with her. No matter what he chooses, you will only be there to offer a shoulder if necessary, or a ride out of the house if it becomes unbearable. To be a good friend, you have to support your friend in what he chooses for himself. It’s not about you, and even if it was, he still wouldn’t side with you in this matter.

As a good friend, you can ask him in a general way if he is sure, or if he has cold feet, but that’s about it. You have to respect his fiancé (even if you dislike her) and give your friend the space to make his own mistakes. In the meantime, see if you can find ways to see his fiancé in a better light. Perhaps there are issues between the two of you, or jealousy over your friendship with her fiancé that need to be addressed. Is there anything you do admire about her that you might be able to build upon?

In the end, it really doesn’t matter what you think of her, because she is going to be his wife, barring any unforeseen shenanigans at his bachelor party. Pitting yourself against her is a mistake, and a sure way to cause resentment and anger between all three of you. If you can’t say anything nice, say nothing at all about her, and support your friend in what he believes to be his happiness. Until the divorce. And then throw the mother of all ‘THE BITCH IS GONE’ parties.

Mrs. Birdman

Sorry dude, but Birdman has hypothermia and is sitting this one out. It’s cool though, because between me and that sexy ass wife of his, we should be able to help you out.

Okay, this is going to seem like the opposite of what you should do, but just listen to me for a minute. Have you ever wanted to be in a viral video? I have been in a few back before they called it “viral”. Have you ever watched “Bum Fights”? Well, I was the reigning champion of the Buffalo series. I took a dude’s eye out with my thumb in this one, and then the video spread like wildfire. I had to swim back across the canal in the night, because the dude was apparently a snitch for the DEA, and they weren’t too happy about it. Anyhow, long story short, it was a huge rush to be in that video, because for about a week, everyone knew ole Smarty’s name.

Anyhow, I’m going to tell you what you need to do here. Absofuckinglutely nothing. Well, not until the padre asks “Does anyone here see any reason that these two should not be joined in holy wedlock?”

This part is important. Before any of that happens, you need to be prepared. You need to hire a seamstress or tailor to perforate the sleeves of your tux and shirt for ease of ripping. Get them to turn your pants into tearaways as well, because these are things that should be left to the professionals. Especially in this situation. Trust me, spend the two bills and save the embarrassment.

You need to hire a professional videographer if they haven’t already got one, then you want to find a big, calm, bald headed prick, and have him wait outside the door for his cue, which is the best part. Don’t worry, he’ll know his cue.

You need to get an urn or two full of water and some M-100s and try something like this.

Now get all of your shit ready for the big day.

When the priest gets to the good part, you yell out, “Yeah. I got a few good reasons. You then casually start walking around reciting all of the reasons you don’t think your buddy should marry this rotten bitch. While you are doing that, you need to set off the bombs and then tear off your sleeves and pants. Make sure you are in a banana hammock or commando.

if you don’t want to let people see the unsightly sore on your weiner.

You then start violently screaming at the bride (or whatever she is now *snicker*), along the lines of Jerry Springer, and by now your “Steve” should be there to hold you back or to protect you, depending on the demeanor of the guests and groom. By rights they should all be scattering around, but still trying to see what the fuck you’re going to do next. Don’t worry about the videographer. They’ll be trained on you the whole time. This is the video that will make them famous.

I should mention that this may not work if your best friend is in the military or on a police force. In those cases, leave the country and send him a letter stating that she had her family threaten your life if you didn’t. I’m going to suggest Mexico or Panama, because you might as well enjoy the warm weather and year-round fruit.