Thursday, 9 September 2010

My September Girl

I first opened this post on the 21st of December, 2009, but didn't really know what to do with it at the time, so I left it as a draft. It's now May 11th and I'm queuing this to post in September, 2010, on my birthday. I wonder if I'll still agree with the thoughts written here. What's up, Self?

This will not be interesting or relevant to you, unless you were born in September and want to do one of these for yourselves. It's very long and probably something I should just make private, but that's too complicated. Let's get it all out!

EDIT 09/09/10 - Yeah, the writing in this is all over the place and so... flighty. I already don't recognize some of the thoughts.

SEPTEMBER (babies) are...

This is a little something I copied off Tumblr. There is always some website or person sprouting up new analysis of who we are due to when we were born and I thought it'd be interesting to see if this particular one was spot on or completely off.

As usual, it's one of those things where you can go, 'I guess I am a little like that or a lot like this and I suppose sometimes I can be like that,' because it's all relative depending on what situation you find yourself in.

Suave and compromising.

Well, I had to look up suave because I know it's general meaning but wanted to just be sure- and I don't think suave people do that. Suave people already know what suave means and have stitched it into their jackets, along the cuff. Sometimes I can pull off elegance, but I do believe that when one has to try to pull it off you can't help but know they are trying to pull it. As for compromising? Yes, I think these last 2 years are good examples of compromising, though I haven't done it graciously.

Careful, cautious and organized.

My Mother told me that my brother was the careful and cautious one and that I happily stamped down the steps with no care of misplacing my little feet, whereas James would hold on to the banister and take one step at a time. Now, it seems like we have both delved in and out of careful and cautiousness. Sometimes I am too careful and can't let go and have fun and James has certainly been the opposite of cautious and careful for a few years of his young life.

I can be a little too careful and cautious around people, due to a lot of previous mistakes where what I'm thinking comes out before I have a chance to check whether it's PC or appropriate. This still happens quite a bit.

Then sometimes I find being so cautious quite taxing and take an 180 degree turn and just indulge in being crass and rude in a what I think is a funny way with people or the information they have passed on to me and that has gotten me in trouble as well.

It all starts in your head. If you change how you think or how people have taught you to think, what comes out of your mouth is different. I'm pleased with myself for learning, albeit however slowly.

As for organized, I can be absolutely organized... for less than 48 hours. I am constantly striving to have a clean room or office and organize my life, documents and work very well, it's keeping up the practice that I fail at. It's still an act for me. An act I grow tired off by the end of the second day, if not earlier.

One thing I know is that I will be organized. One day. It's not something that I have to wonder about too much. Due to my constant striving to be this way, I know that eventually it'll just click. I will have practiced enough and will almost be too organized... maybe annoyingly so, and then maybe it'll get me into trouble, and I'll have to "let go"... Wow, what an adventure. Harr. Harr.

I'm trying to rid myself of useless stuff and organize the things I do have, whether physical or digital, and am currently teaching my self lessons to not acquire so much stuff whenever I have the means to, to think it through, to resist, to take the time to organize as I go, it's like a hobby. I feel really good about it.

Likes to point out people’s mistakes.

Oh. Em. Gee. I love doing this. I love doing this because I make so many and I'm my worst enemy and am always putting myself down for making mistakes in any area, so when other people do it too, I jump on it.

I have learned however, who to do it with, and sometimes to just do it in my head or just realize that, hey, I'm super ignorant and am learning too, so who am I to judge? People have almost always been kind to me when I make a mistake, except maybe my guy friends growing up.

These days, if I'm with someone and they say something I am sure is completely untrue, I say, "I thought it was this..." and if they say, no, and are really adamant about it, so I say, "Oh, well, there you go..." and hopefully I won't stew on it later. That's not healthy or wise.

Also, sometimes the things I have learned were taught to me by someone who had it wrong, and so I know now not to repeat that mistake... though sometimes I slip up.

I corrected Sarah so many times on some things when we were living together, that we had quite a big tiff about it, and I felt elated and terribly evil at the same time. I don't really want to go and make that mistake again. That's school ground nonsense.

Likes to criticize.

Well, yes and no. I try not to. Though sometimes, for instance, today, I was walking down Park Avenue and this girl was walking ahead of me and was dressed quite well and must have known it, because she wasn't just walking, she was striding, doing a catwalk down the street, with her arms swinging far too high and wide to be a normal walk. I thought it was ridiculous and muttered, "Who walks like that down the street?" and then mocked her as she crossed the road by swinging my head from side to side and pushing my hips out in a silly way. She would never have seen it, but maybe, if I was lucky, someone else close behind me on the busy street also thought similarly and got a little kick of it. If not, well I certainly did.

But now, looking back, wow, that's so mean and obviously only stemmed for my own insecurities! I've got to be bigger than that!

I mainly like to criticize myself, and this is because of my near-lifetime studying ballet, where constant criticism is what makes you better. Unfortunately this has transported to daily life and severely hindered my self-confidence. Prompting many a nice, patient friend to tell me, "Shut up" and that I'm "fine". And I am. It feels like the film, Mean Girls, "word vomit," once you start it's really hard to stop.

Stubborn.

Absolutely. Especially with work. Especially whenever asked to clean my room as a teenager. Especially with friends on projects when they didn't want to go my way. Two stubborn people make TERRIBLE TIMES. Do not mix with stubborn people if you are a stubborn person.

Quiet but able to talk well.

To a point. Sometimes I forget what I'm talking about mid-sentence and then just 'umm' and 'err.' When I'm feeling confident and in charge of my situation, I can speak quite well. I'd love to add more words to my vocabularly in a much quicker rate than I'm at right now. Quiet-wise, yes, so many Americans ask for me to speak up, and on stage it was always a problem. I have to learn how to use my voice properly.

I've been reading Stella Adler's writings and she urges one to just chit-chat but have more meaningful conversations with the people in our lives and to not talk unless you feel the urge too. I like that, doesn't go to well at parties though.

Calm and cool.

Ha, again, sometimes. It's more like a disconnect. I'm really good at completely shutting down, which can look more passive-aggressive than anything.

I can be calm and cool before a meeting, but really only if there is someone else there that is anxious. And usually I feel that way when I've arrived at wherever I am suppose to be. Before that I am anxious and nervous. I don't feel in control. Lately, due to what's been going down in my life, I am always the opposite of calm and cool. It disappoints me that so many people have grown to know me as one with a hot temper. I'll talk to someone about it and get part of my old self back. I'm not saying I didn't have a temper as a kid. I did. Even more so after the divorce of my parents. Oh, so "emo," but I didn't have that many tantrums, I was just melodramatic.

Kind and sympathetic.

I can be kind and I can be cold. Sometimes I can be too eager to please and come off kind of creepy. I can be sympathetic if I don't think that the person is just doing something like I do, and just talking about problems when there are clear and obvious answers. It's always usually more obvious and easier to the person outside of your life of what you should do next, but it takes courage and that's difficult to muster. I can be too quick to really listen, I just want to solve problems, and can come off quite cold.

Concerned and detailed.

I do like details, which can be a bad thing because it's so easy to be consumed by details, like travel itineraries and places to see, history of places, or just typical work details. Sometimes I think I don't care enough, which I don't like.

Loyal but not always honest.

The problem is that I find myself on the fence a lot. I am rarely ever faced with hostile people. Plenty of people don't like me, I'm sure, but they are never rude to my face, so I am always left in the dark. I find a lot of my friends experience hostile people and I just want to wish myself back in time so that I could be there to stick up for them.

I find myself often in between people in a fight or a disagreement or just two people who simply dislike each other and that can be difficult. I've learned to just be quiet and listen, though sometimes it's hard to not realize the other persons faults and have a good ol' bitching session.

Lately I was put in that situation and I was objective and said, "I don't want to bitch about people." It was easy.

I'm hardly ever honest when it comes to being on time. Often so many lies, lies, excuses and lies. I'll learn to quit that... hopefully.

Does work well.

Not lately. If given clear direction I can get things done quickly and efficiently. I wish I worked harder. I work harder at my personal activities instead of my job, but I don't think it was always like this with work or always will be. I'm in a rut, work-wise. I really don't know how people can drag themselves out of bed to a job they don't like. Sure, I've been there, but never for as long as this, and my job is really easy and fairly enjoyable.

Very confident.

Surprisingly, I can be. I am often thrust in situations that most people would shy from. I'm more confident after I've worked for something for a while and know what I'm talking about or know that I've trained enough and am ready to perform. I wish I was in a situation to "bring it" again. Sometimes I feel like I wing things too much and that I ride on my own bullshit too much.

Sensitive.

Annoyingly so. Sometimes I'm too sensitive to other people's feelings which I think people don't like because you have to analyse it too much, and that's annoying for them.

Thinking generous.

Ha, "thinking generous" is definitely true. I always think about what I would do for friends and family if I had the money and when I had the money sometimes I was unwisely generous and paid for meals or plane trips in hopes for just closer friendships or memories without realizing that it takes two to tango. Since learning this, some experiences, lacking completely in funds, have been more memorable and enjoyable.

Good memory.

I have a pretty terrible memory for people that I first meet. Depending on our first conversations, it usually takes the second meeting, sometimes the third or fourth meeting to get into my brain. I don't know why, I don't like it. I would like to be more of a people person.

I also have a pretty terrible memory for moments, especially if I've done something crazy or it's a funny moment. Harry often gets really frustrated when he tries to remind me of a memory and I have absolutely no recollection of it.

I'm pretty good at remembering facts or things I've read about places that I can bring up when travelling, which depending on the mood of the person I'm travelling with can either be like tour guide or just an asshole. I don't recall all the facts though, so sometimes it's just half of the story or it's like, "This was King uh, like... the 5th of somethings place..." and that's no use to anyone.

Clever and knowledgeable.

I'm working on it. I like to read and really learn about the places I'm living in and I've learnt to want to be informed about the current world and its history. I have books of facts and historical biographies and I don't know why I enjoy it so much.

You can learn so much from the people who have already faced this earth and its hardships, no matter what time they lived in or their status.

I like listening to people who know more than me. I like surrounding myself with those people, sometimes I look like an idiot because I can't really bring anything to the conversation, but most people are okay with it.

Loves to look for information.

Oh well, here you go. You know it. I'm a googler and a hoarder of information. That's what I'm working at now, storing the information I want to keep on hand for future reference in a more convenient way so I can have less.

I'm also really into taking notes of things authors reference in their works, whether its shoes or other objects or fake bands or real bands or people and films, I like to see what inspired them and I like to make a lists of authors I like and there previous work, I'd love to be able to have read one authors complete works. I haven't done that with anyone, not even J.K. Rowling!

Must control oneself when criticizing.

Ha, I've already talked about this. Maybe I should have read this and spread out my paragraphs more. Oh...

Able to motivate oneself.

Sometimes. I can get things done pretty quickly if I feel pressure or am in a good mood. Sometimes I hide in my bed and then feel guilty about hiding and stay in bed even longer so that the day slips away.

I have no trouble motivating myself for a 5am call for a shoot though. So, I guess if I was in that world more, I could be less critical of myself?

Understanding.

I like to think I understand, but sometimes it's only what I've learnt in magazines or books and not from an actual personal experience, so I jump to answers and advice, when I should just listen and ask questions, so that I can truly know where my friends are at in a time of crisis.

Fun to be around.

Unless I'm doing any of the annoying things above. Sometimes I can be a bit moody or sometimes I feel kind of boring. I usually have a pretty fun time when I go out though, lately.

Personally things are changing sort of rapidly when it comes to how I relate to people and I can thank some of my close friends in New York for that.

Secretive.

I try not to make a big deal about it if I do have a secret. Sometimes I get myself in trouble because I spill a secret because I didn't know it was a secret. That's always stressful.

I just don't like talking too much about what I want to do or what's coming up that I'm excited about because if it doesn't happen, I don't like doing that whole, "Oh, yeah, that failed" conversation. I always feel like I'm letting more than myself down.

Loves sports, leisure and traveling.

Well, I love dancing. I wasn't big on sports because my Dad and Brother constantly watched or played them and I found that boring or irritating because smoke and drinking would be involved.

I like going to baseball games, for the crowd and lifestyle mainly. I really like basketball and want to go to a game or follow a team more. I appreciate sports in general more than I did as kid. And I wish I had just let myself try to play instead of always shying away from it... but the ball always had a knack for hitting me in the face, haha.

I do like just being able to walk around and take a day to just be amongst people or nature, I think everyone likes that more than work or sitting in front of the computer. Though sitting in front of the computer is where most of my "leisure time" is spent.

I love travelling. I want to see the world, I want to really experience places instead of just visiting, which I find really stressful.

I hope that I get to do more soon. I haven't travelled anywhere new for a long time. Though I'm glad I've experience a lot of Manhattan and am slowly seeing more and more of Brooklyn.

If I have to leave America, I want to see as many National Parks as possible before I go.

Hardly shows emotions.

At work, usually, unless its anger. I tend to show my err, crush-like feelings more than I want to; I wear my heart on my sleeve. People usually catch on pretty quickly or I am just bursting to tell everyone, which can only lead to me getting embarrassed so now I try to just quash them with rational thought telling myself the end before anything starts. It's been helpful. Hopefully it wont become a trend.

Tends to bottle up feelings.

Yes, this is true. So it can come out in short, irrational bursts when things get too stressful. I suppose I dealt with my feelings with my Mum, who would listen to all my weird ups and downs and help sort them out for me. I need to learn to do that for myself... or see a therapist like all my colleagues suggest, but, ugh, I feel like it would be a waste of time. I know what I need to fix and I know why I feel the way I do and I know what I need to do to fix it.

Very choosy, especially in relationships.

Oh yes, I can't really be intimate with someone unless I feel totally comfortable with them or I am impressed by them in someway or if I can see a possible long-term relationship with them. Even if I know that the whole thing is just casual and will end eventually. I just don't know how people can let so many people into their lives in that intimate way. I don't look down on it or think its bad at all. I just can't do it, it freaks me out. Makes me feel icky.

I fall for new people every day in short little bursts. I admire a lot of people. I'm also just embarrassed for past heart-on-my-sleeve moments and hate that some guys get creeped out when I find it really funny at the time, so now I'm even more choosy... the weird thing is, I've been with some great people but I fuck up with them and I've been with some pretty terrible people and have had longer relationships with them than the good people.

I haven't had a real relationship, if ever, for longer than a couple of months. Longer due to long distance.

Systematic.

I like things to be done just so, in a certain way, but it's all in my head, it never happens that way. Maybe I'll be a method actor though... Ha, Stella Adler would be so disappointed.

Well, that was pretty gnarly and pointless. I'm sure when I look at this in September I'll have changed my mind three times about all these thoughts or insights into myself, hopefully I'll be a better person. That's usually all I've ever strived to be, just better.

6 comments:

Anonymous
said...

Happy Day Caitlin!From, just another Anonymous... 8)

It's so odd. The times I pop my head in to see what you are up to... It is late, way past the end of my day. I should be asleep rather than giving in to an indulgence. Like a pint of mocha-java at midnight, I take in your words, your ideas, one complex taste at a time, savoring the way I feel as flavors melt on my tongue. Amazed as always how someone can reveal so much to others and yet so little to oneself... Entrapped by the observation of you observing yourself. Mirrors in mirrors... a mind in one of those crystal skulls from an ancient faraway tribe -- so much is visible. So much is hidden... And then something you have said, at the end of having said so much, leaves me with a tantalizing puzzlement. I become compelled to comment. Why? Because I can. Because it is so easy. So that some small part of me lives also forever online, like the boy in A.I., trapped for eons beneath the ice of a changing world...

You say, "I just don't know how people can let so many people into their lives in that intimate way."

And so I am puzzled. And I am amazed. And I think about what you have shared. And it goes around in my head and here and there inside me it bounces off something like a pinball machine that sends the thought flying in a new direction.. until finally it comes back to rest where it began...

And the thought I am left with takes form like a beautiful but abstract and swirling art-film whose truth is more easily sensed than clearly understood...

The reason you have not found the love you seek dear Caitlin......is because you already have.

It is not him; it is not I; it is not she... or they. It is US! You are in love with US. ALL of us. Since you first fell in love with the internet, you did not realize that your yearning was not for technology or for a man, but for the vastness of WE who would see you and with that same primal urge to be known, we would look back, gazing into your forever-eyes as you gazed into ours, messaging our feelings of our multifaceted heart... giving you a reason for being, validating your life with our ever-changing, multi-phonic mass of love.

I'm always shy about letting people get close when I first meet them, though that's more to do with deep-rooted psychosocial issues that leave me a sad lonely wreck who obsesses over YouTube girls night and day in the vain hope that they might like me for a second or two. (Well we have to do something to pass the time.)

@Anon - that's deep heavy stuff. By the way, what on earth are you on about?

I wish I was there to buy you a birthday drink and then afterwards give you a series of probably VERY HARD birthday spankings =/

but...since Im not there...I guess standing outside on the sidewalk beside this cafe, in the middle of the afternoon, stealing their WIFI signal, looking like a total -GEEK- to all these pedestrians walking by me as I type birthday greetings to you on my tiny laptop... is the next best thing ;P

As I was born in September, I can related to quite a bit of that. I won't write a long-winded speech, but I will say that after 31 years on this planet (in this lifetime anyway) I still don't understand women and always mess things up before they even get started :(We all evolve slightly over time, hopefully for the better. Maybe one day we'll get it right.