While trying to defend his nomination of Harriet Miers, President Bush
admitted Tuesday he and Miers had never discussed abortion. Said Bush,
“Luckily it turned out to be a false alarm.” [some applause]

Horatio Sanz: Many people are upset with President Bush for
nominating current White House Counsel Harriet Miers to the Supreme
Court, particularly her law partner, Jacoby.

Amy Poehler: [picture of President Bush giving a televised
speech] This week, nearly twelve million Americans tuned in to a new
episode of “Lost.”

Horatio Sanz: The U.S. Treasury is featuring a new nickel that
has Thomas Jefferson facing forward, with a hint of a smile. A smile
that says, “You see that slave over there? Yeah, I tapped that ass.”
[applause]

Amy Poehler: President Bush’s nominee, Harriet Miers, has come
under fire from both the left and the right, because of her lack of
experience. Many are suggesting she withdraw her nomination. Here to
comment is perennial candidate Tim Calhoun.

[Pan to Tim, who holds a stack of note cards. Applause. Tim nervously
speaks through a tabletop microphone, in a very soft voice]

Tim Calhoun: Hi, I am Tim Calhoun, and I’m running for Supreme
Court, of America. I think I would make a much better candidate
for Supreme Court than that girl. Here’s why...

[pauses to change cards]

I do not have any Supreme Court experience, but I have served as a
lawyer for myself, on many occasions... all of which turned out
real bad. Here’s a list of my convictions. One pot
brownie...seven shoplift...one cocaine brownie...and thirty more cocaine
brownies. I’m real sorry, but I have a sweet tooth.

[pauses to change cards]

I think burning the flag is wrong. But undercooking the flag is even worse.

[pauses to change cards]

As I mentioned before, I have no judge experience. But I have worked at
a court for a long time. It was a food court... I served food, at a
food court.

[pauses to change cards]

Note from self… don’t mention food court. [Tim stares into the camera in
horror. He speaks under his breath] Oh no... I already mentioned
food court... what do I do what do I do what do I do what do I do...

[pauses to change cards]

Have I mentioned that I worked at a food court? [gasps] How did that
get in there?

In conclusion, and in summary, vote for me, Tim Calhoun, for Supreme
Court of America... and I will get right to work erasing my permanent
record.

Amy Poehler: Tim Calhoun, everybody! [cheers and applause]

Horatio Sanz: Fearing a religious backlash because of the title,
Sony decided to not release the new Albert Brooks film “Looking for
Comedy in the Muslim World.” For similar reasons, Sony has also decided
not to release the film “Deuce Bigalow: Osama Bin Gigolo.”

Once a week, recovering illusionist Roy Horn reportedly visits
Montecore, the tiger that mauled him. Though disturbingly, they’re
conjugal visits! [some applause; Horatio laughs] You know what that
means, right Amy? He gets busy with that tiger! [Amy shakes her head in
disbelief]

Amy Poehler: Security in the New York City subway system was
raised on Thursday after reports of specific threats involving
bomb-laden baby carriages and briefcases. The extra security has made
commuting especially difficult for business babies. [Picture of a baby
standing on a subway platform, wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase.
Some applause. Amy is clearly amused by the picture]

A chimpanzee in China has quit smoking after sixteen years, with the
help of her keepers. The chimp was able to quit when the keepers
stopped buying her cigarettes! [applause; Amy looks off camera
for a moment]

There is a growing concern in the Everglades over the rise of non-native
snakes, abandoned by pet owners in the swamp. That’s—now Horatio, you
actually abandoned a snake in the Everglades, didn’t you?

Amy Poehler: Kate Moss, who has already lost several endorsement
contracts with Chanel, H & M, and Burberry in the wake of her
cocaine-snorting scandal, received an even more embarrassing setback
this week, when she was dropped as a spokesperson for the cocaine
industry. [hangs her head in shame]

The nation’s energy chief says it will take six months for U.S. Energy
production and prices to return to pre-hurricane levels. In a bold
effort to hurry the process, President Bush fished out his old “Save
Gas, Fart in a Jar” t-shirt. [some applause]

Horatio Sanz: A bar in London opened last weekend, made entirely
of ice, and will be kept at -22 degrees Fahrenheit year-round. The
opening night party was marred, however, when four people died of
hypothermia in the wet t-shirt contest.

BodyWorld, a new exhibit, opened Friday in Philadelphia, featuring a
collection of skinless, preserved cadavers in various poses. Or as I
like to call it, “The View”! [applause]

Amy Poehler: Melissa Etheridge is developing a sitcom with ABC
about what her life might have been like had she not become a musician,
but been gay, stayed in Kansas, and taught at a high school. It’s
called, “The Gym Teacher.”

A former nursing home worker in New York State has filled a
nine-million-dollar federal lawsuit, claiming she suffered mental
anguish and needs anti-anxiety medication, after being forced to prove
she was wearing a bra at work. You know, something very similar
happened to me, let’s take a look:

Lorne Michaels: What the hell for? [Walks off, giggling.
Dissolve back to the live set]

Amy Poehler: Thanks a lot, Horatio.

Horatio Sanz: That was, that was not cool there.

Amy Poehler: No, thanks for sticking up for me, too. I
appreciate that.

Horatio Sanz: Yeah, no problem.

A study has shown that bringing a clown into the operating room may
relax children who are about to undergo surgery, which proves that
laughter really is the best medicine... unless you have cancer. Then
you should get chemo. [prolonged laughter]

Amy Poehler: A Russian Soyuz spacecraft docked at the
International Space Station Monday. The spacecraft then turned around,
and was promptly rear-ended by Lindsay Lohan.

Horatio Sanz: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Horatio Sanz.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Good night and have a pleasant
tomorrow.

[Cheers and applause. Horatio appears to bless the audience, then
shares a hug with Amy. Fade]