How to Be a Creep on Twitter

Guest blogger Harley May made my work easy tonight with this hilarious post (you don’t need to be on Twitter to get it, but in case you want to join Twitter, read my post about it first). She also wrote a complementary post on her blog today–you’ll find the link at the bottom of this list.

Follow all the porn stars. They’re on there and they want you. Bad.

Follow all the aspiring playboy bunnies. They also want you. Bad.

Follow the exhibitionists who have their own webcam. That’s right, you guessed it. They want you.

After you’ve followed all the porn stars, aspiring playboy bunnies, and exhibitionists, tackle the regular women. The regular ladies will take note of all the hot action you’re following and feel flattered. You won’t seem like a creep at all.

When they follow you back, (Honestly, why wouldn’t they? You’re quite a catch) rather than talk to these women in the twitter public line with @messages, send them a Direct Message.

Ask them about something particular in their bio line. If they’re writing a book, tell them about your book. Not writing a book? Make one up! If they’re interested in photography, show them some of your photographs (i.e. yank from prominent art magazine). Offer to take her pictures.

It’s always appropriate to tell them how beautiful they are in these messages and that you’re up for a chat whenever, wherever. This will make them feel special.

Send them pictures of your pets. Kittens and puppies preferably. Orange kittens would be the best choice.

Take pictures of yourself in skinny jeans, post them on twitter, and ask for a “census” as to whether or not you should keep them. You will have them fooled into staring at your butt/crotch. Good work.

If they say something nice to you, do a virtual lick. You spell it “SLURP.” Accompany it with some sort of “You’re so yummy.” They’ll like it. Trust me.

Update these women on special travel deals flying to their city and state. Be cool about it. Don’t offer to come visit, but this’ll just let all the women you follow know you’re open to it and they’ll adore your initiative.

Inform them of your daily troubles, they’ll be sympathetic and will in no way find you whiny. This of course extends to stomach and bowel ailments. They won’t be grossed out. If you don’t get the response you were expecting, don’t panic, but switch gears and fake some other illness. The mothers you follow will be especially attentive. They are mothers, after all.

If you don’t want to be a creep on twitter (you wuss) don’t follow porn stars, aspiring playboy bunnies, and exhibitionists. Talk to women in the open twitter public and build up comfortable banter before you send direct messages. Don’t lie about your novel, or photography, or kittens. Pansy.

Harley May teaches the only underwater spin class in the world and thinks sugar is the devil. If you take anything she says seriously, she’ll backhand you. You can read her post about How to Be a Floozy on Twitter too.

Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant. Number 10 had me for sure. Oh and don’t forget to search for key words like ‘healthy’ or ‘future’ and then be sure to offer sales on acai berry diets and the state of their souls. Women love to hear that they need to lose weight before the world ends in 2012!

At first I was a little offended that there weren’t any sketchy creeps doing this to me on Twitter (I mean, I don’t actually want to have to deal with creeps, but a girl still likes to know she is on the creep radar, you know?), but then I remembered I do everything in my power to avoid creep followers, and never follow them back. Okay, feel much better now.

Man, I am out of the loop with this whole Twitter thing. I’m glad you clarified that you’re under 8 & 9 only, because once I read those, I assumed that this list was about you as a whole and that Harley was mad at you for something. I kept thinking, “This doesn’t sound like Jamey!…except the kittens and skinny jeans…and maybe the bowel ailments. Wow, has Jamey been using Twitter to meet porn stars and just not telling me?”

(Imagine that you’ve never seen or used a car, and that someone tells you, “Of course it glides across water! I just drove from New York to Lisbon yesterday. And yes, it runs on bald eagle heads and faberge eggs.” You might start to believe them too.)

I guess we should have given some backstory–Harley’s been working on this post in her head for a while now. She and I joke about Twitter creeps and floozies from time to time, so when she started writing the blog entry, she suggested that she post the creep version on my blog and the floozy version on hers. I loved the idea, and when I read her entry, I liked it even more.

There’s a certain decorum on Twitter–basically, do the opposite of what Harley says in the list, and you’ll be fine. Or you can spice things up again and post skinny jeans pictures for the world to see.

T-Mac, the list IS about Jamey as a whole. He sends me “slurp” DMs all the time. I tried to block him, but he kept making up variations on his name. Now, when I look outside at night, I see him peeping in my windows on occasion. It’s freaky, man. I’m not even listed in the white pages!

Wait. What was the goal here? I think I’m mixing up the floozy post and the creep post. Hey, perhaps if you ladies are lucky, all the creeps will end up following all the floozies and will leave you alone, right? Right?’