The Best Gift You Can Give This Christmas (and Where to Find It)

Written byjoshua becker ·

The holiday season is marked by many things: family, tradition, food, and decoration (just to name a few).

Gift-giving is also an important part of the season as we seek to show love and appreciation to others. Many, in search of the perfect gift will invest countless hours and dollars hunting for that one treasure to best communicate their gratitude and admiration.

But this holiday season, that gift may be closer than you think.

The holidays often provide opportunity to spend time with loved ones. For some, this is the only time of year when everyone gathers. So maybe the greatest gift we can give this year to those we love the most, is our undivided and focused attention.

Rather than paying dollars to secure the perfect present, work hard to pay attention instead.

These days, with the advent of increased technological distraction, paying attention has never seemed to come at a higher price.

When we remove distraction from our life and choose to focus intently on another person, we communicate they are the most important thing in our life at that moment. And isn’t that what most of us want? Isn’t that the very thing we are hoping to convey with the gifts that we give? That we cherish our relationships? And are willing to make sacrifices for it?

Paying attention is costlynot in dollars, but something greater.When attention is paid to someone or something, we sacrifice every other thing in the world that we could be paying attention to. That is why it is such a valued commodity these days—and why it may be the best thing we can offer others this Christmas season.

Make a point this Christmas season, whether with family, friends, or co-workers, to give the gift of focused attention to the people around you.

How to Give the Gift of Attention this Holiday Season

Turn off notifications. Before family traditions, dinners, and get-togethers, turn off the notifications from your cellphone. All those dings and rings and vibrations are created for one purpose—to capture your attention. You don’t have to turn them off the entire holiday season, just at the most strategic of opportunities.

Remove yourself from distractions. It is not uncommon for the television to be on when visiting with extended family—it seems to be a societal norm at this point and getting permission to turn it off may be out of the question. But that doesn’t mean you can’t remove yourself from the distraction. If possible, choose to hang out in areas away from the television—maybe in a separate room or a separate area in the home where you can focus on the conversation in front of you rather than the football game on the other side of the planet.

Ask questions. The best conversation advice I ever got was around a dinner table 20 years ago when a friend of mine made this statement, “I used to be really bad at conversation, but then I learned a simple trick: just ask a lot of questions.” For the past two decades I have incorporated that advice countless times. When catching up with your family members this Christmas, ask lots of questions and listen to all the answers.

Lean forward. While seeking to give the gift of attention, our physical posture matters. Leaning forward and maintaining eye contact in a natural way communicates nonverbally to others we are interested in them. Additionally, the physical posture we take communicates to our brain that we are interested in the conversation—heightening our ability to listen and process information.

Offer to help. Whether washing dishes, wrapping presents, baking cookies, or shoveling the driveway, there is no lack of small chores and duties that need to happen over the holidays to facilitate a gathering of people. Look for those opportunities and offer to help the host or the hostess whenever possible. Sometimes the best conversations happen when a task brings people together.

This Christmas, put down the phone, turn off the television, and give the gift of attention to those you love the most.

About Joshua Becker

Writer. Inspiring others to live more by owning less.WSJ Bestselling author of The More of Less.

Comments

Joshua, I read Clutter Free With Kids and am struggling to help my 5 year old daughter declutter. I’m wondering if you have any additional advice.
She wants to keep everything; I do not want to get rid of things against her will or secretly. I’ve provided incentives and tried various approaches: I have large garbage bags that I’ve sorted for her and told her she can keep her favorite 3 things out of each, I’ve offered prizes (smaller than bags dejunked to reduce overall space taken up), we’ve gone together to the homeless shelter with dropoffs….at the shelter, a stuffed dog (Martha)’s head was protruding from one of the bags and she began crying for Martha (we retrieved her). She talks about wanting the things back she’s dejunked. It makes me so sad to think of making her miss her “friends” (stuffed animals), and I worry she has been damaged by the frequent dejunking, but I more worry about the effect clutter has had on her. We have a small space and she has difficulty putting away so many things. It’s a health issue: mess, stress, time spent putting away toys vs: time spent dancing, playing outside, making cookies…..toxic plastic toys, toxic stuffed animals treated with flame retardant, dust everywhere from objects nobody is ever going to clean, trip hazards…and the effects of materialism on the family. Meanwhile toys are flowing in from grandparents sending giant boxes of clothes that don’t fit and are plastic (I’ve told them I’m trying to eliminate plastics for the kids.). I am mostly trying to declutter our house on my own (my husband mostly lets me handle it) and I am time-poor in doing this as I have a newborn son. After hours of working on and planning and praying for wisdom with her room, today I tried to help her get rid if more things and she doesn’t want to. I look back on her childhood this far and I think of myself madly attempting to get on top of our cluttered, filthy house. I want better for her and my son but feel like I’m in a dream trying to run and staying in one place. I feel like crying! Erika

Ne to this page but as a 66 year old grandma I feel somewhat qualified to give you some encouragement and advice. Most important, stop beating yourself up. Everything I read says baby steps are fine. At 5, your child believes the world revolves around her. You can influence those beliefs by your words, actions and example, but it is part of the brain that will mature in time. I would suggest trying to get grandparents on board by explaining what you are doing and why. Suggest time spent with their grandchild or a gift of lessons or a special day at the zoo or museum would really be appreciated and enjoyed. Recruit your husband’s help here as he can speak to his parents and you can handle yours. Explain why this is important to you and what they can do to help. Try to limit your decluttering to one room at a time so you do not get overwhelmed. But be sure to give yourself time to rest, relax and enjoy your baby and daughter before they are all grown up. Time really does fly, so do something every day just for fun. Those are the memories you will cherish someday more that the tidy house!

Erika, etc: Parents back in the 50’s 60’s got their kids games, toys, that lasted for years. Mostly, time spent with their kids in parks, vacations or cookouts, playing ball, card games for hours, beaches, or visiting friends or relatives. No tech. stuff except radios. TV only came on in the evenings. Most everything was done outdoors. Most women didn’t work either. Grandparents never gave massive amounts of gifts to grandkids then. People tell me their grandkids rooms are junked up. One lady said her daughter in law was going with g’child to give out extra toys to children’s group homes or toys for needy kids over the holidays, some hardly touched. Growing up, we spent most time outdoors, bikes, roller skates, balls and bats, other outside toys were the norm. We also built tree houses, played in the woods, had a lifestyle like the movie “Stand by me” circa 1957.

I tend to agree with Cheryl’s advice here. I have two kids, 3 and 5, and my daughter who is the older one is vastly different from my son. She’s not keen on getting rid of anything.

My son, on the other hand, will bring us an item and say he would like to donate it because he doesn’t really play with it anymore (“it” being a truck, car, etc.). He’ll actually say, “I like this toy, but I don’t play with it anymore, so I’d like another little boy to have it.”

It’s cute and easier on us. Granted, there are times when he’ll say this about his favorite toy and we know better than to take his advice because he’ll regret it later. After all, he is three.

In contrast, my daughter is very creative and uses her stuff to create all sorts of imaginary worlds, costumes, etc. Thankfully, although it can get rather messy looking, she prefers tape and paper and markers over hard plastic toys. So we do for her what I guess you would call “leveling,” meaning: we have cleaned her room and de-cluttered, but we store initially what we’ve removed in a holding place (the attic). Over a short amount of time, she forgets about most of the items because they aren’t things she played with anyway. Occasionally, she’ll request x and so I’ll get it from the attic. After six months, what remains in the attic is donated. Sometimes she is with us when we go to donate, sometimes not. For her, if she sees one of her old toys, pair of shoes, or clothing, she may indeed throw a fit because “it’s hers.” So, we sort of avoid reminding her of a toy that she hardly ever played with at all—the “out of sight, out of mind” approach.

I don’t want to call my daughter a little hoarder, but she has visibly more items in her room (and on her wall) than my son. With that said, I do try to be careful about encroaching on her personal space and her development and creativity. She’s five. Quite frankly, she doesn’t care about minimalism any more than she cares about the details of my day job, so I don’t want her to feel as if I am “taking something” from her because that sets up another issue as a parent.

For me, I can’t change the past for her. I can’t change (entirely) what was brought into the house before we began adopting this lifestyle as a family. (I can change some or most of it) What I can do is limit what comes in now and communicate to her that everything has a purpose and that some items have a lifespan. It’s important to communicate this with your other family (parents, siblings, etc.) too, particularly if they unload toys and other items on your family; and trust me, I know what that’s like. Otherwise, you’re going to fight a losing battle.

I have 5 little kids at home 1-9 years old. Almost 2 years ago we started two rules. 1. Mom doesn’t pick up toys. 2. You can only keep as many toys in your room as you can keep clean and organized. If it’s too hard to clean, then we take the things that can’t be cleaned and put them in storage to be rotated. Nearly two years later, they all keep about 2 or 3 toys out at a time. They hated cleaning their rooms, I hated cleaning their room: win-win.

Great advice for the holidays. In keeping with “leaning forward” I’d add “Get down to eye level.” Whenever I speak with a child, seated person, individual in a wheel chair, etcetera, I like to kneel down to their level. It allows us to be “eye to eye” and leads to better communication. Best wishes this holiday season!

As a mum of an adult wheelchair user, I would just like to suggest to you, to not kneel, or lean down to the same level as a person who uses a wheelchair. It is deemed offensive and demeaning and it is something that many wheelchair users have expressed they find embarrasses them and many campaigning charities for people with disabilities have been campaigning to raise awareness about this issue recently. If you would like to know more, feel free to get in touch with me. God bless.

This is a recent campaign that has been running here in the UK by a mainstream disability charity called Scope. It’s really helped raise awareness over here and even used advertisements during the screening of the Olympics! Hope it helps. God bless.

On that note, if your children/family are still in bed, while I haven’t read it yet (it’s on my to-read list and I’ve put a hold on it at my local library), I recently learned of a book called The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age, by Catherine Steiner-Adair. I thought others here may find this book up their alley, so I wanted to share the name of it.

Technology has become very intrusive in our day-to-day lives and in our relationships, particularly at home. Even though I do my best to be present with my family and children, it still feels like an uphill battle I fight daily.

Another book, and I have read this and highly recommend, is Hamlet’s Blackberry by William Powers. As you may have guessed by the name, it was written years ago. It’s up there with The Shallows, by Nicholas Carr. Carr is how I heard of this book actually.

As great as technology is and can be, it’s a double-edged sword just the same.

My daughter, who is 7, said for Christmas her #1 thing was to get to spend a week with me. I told her “DONE!” It warmed my heart that the first thing she thought of was time together and not a toy (although second on her list was a bike)…but I was glad to tell her that her wish was granted and that we would spend the week doing fun stuff each day.

Thank you for this sage advice. I appreciate the reminder as I move into the last preparations for this weekend. I will concentrate on enjoying my precious people. Merry Christmas, Joshua to you and yours!

Fabulous. We are on board! Realizing there was nothing we needed or wanted, our gift to each other this Christmas is a weekend away. My husband and I are fleeing The madness and will spend a relaxing holiday together near the water. A blessed holiday season to all.

That was something we talked about doing! Even our 16 yo son wanted it. He sees the effort into picking the perfect things only to have the recipients complain/dislike/return the items. It’s become expected we’ll do things & we really don’t want to. We never get to just rest it would be so nice! But after returning, we’d have certain family embers wondering when we’re “making up” the holiday. We’re trapped. Used to love Christmas, now it’s something we all wish we didn’t have to do. I thought I was just being a Scrooge, but I guess I’m not the only one!

I am here in Dubai alone with husband away from our home and family in Australia. Rob has been struck down by aggressibe lymphoma and is too ill to travel the 14 hour flight back. So he is being treated here by wonderful people in a beautiful hospital, people doing all they can to save him. And suddenly the full meaning of Christmas,
and how it can be taken away from you, is fully revealed.

This is a great advice, We tend to over complicate things some times, looking for big things. I have been thinking a lot lately about this, some times attention (being really present) is all that is needed.

Do you know that moment when everyone’s gathered at Christmas, and you notice that every person is staring at their phones? I don’t like that moment. Maybe I can’t control anyone else, but I’ve learned to turn off my phone, and I love it.

Thanks for this post, Joshua. I always go to visit family at Christmas, and because I only see them once a year, I find it hard to have meaningful conversations with my cousin. We just don’t have much in common. This year I will be sure to use your trick of asking a lot of questions.

Leaning in and asking questions is so true! Getting together with family, friends and neighbors casually is wonderful. We have learned that life can change in a blink of an eye so we have a potluck dinner during the holidays to be thankful for our family, friends and neighbors. No cell phones
allowed!! Our community had a natural disaster in July 2016 and we are still recovering but we have learned to truly listen to our neighbors, family and friends. Listening is a gift from the heart????.

Merry Christmas, Joshua, to you and your family. You have been a significant part of our family this year, even though we’ve never met. My wife and I devoured your new book, and it spurred us on in our quest to live a more meaningful life.
Thank you!
Jeff in OK

It’s strange isn’t it, how easily we forget that togetherness is truly a gift, and that in many ways it’s much more important than what’s under the wrapping paper. My favorite part of this post was the bit about turning off the TV – nothing saddens me quite as much about the holidays as a good conversation fumbled for the sake of a touchdown.