If Only More Women Would Stop Doing This One Thing…

Here’s how you can enjoy extraordinarily fulfilling intimacy no matter how long you’ve been together.

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I know I’m going to take major flak for this piece because generalizations are generally, well… a bitch. In this case however I have science to back me up on how most women consistently do one thing that severely limits possibilities in the bedroom. If they only stopped this behavior it would open both partners to intimate experiences almost beyond imagining. And the good news is that every single woman on the planet is capable of making this change because all it takes is a little courage…

Come on Ladies, Tell Us Guys What You Really Want

It’s practically a cliché to say that many women fake having an orgasm. That in itself points to being less than honest when it comes to intimate matters. However, it gets even more interesting than that. According to one British university research study, approximately 87% of all women “moan” or vocalize during intercourse to: a) boost their man’s self-image as a lover, and b) speed things up (i.e. “Let’s get it over with already.”)

87% of all women “moan” or vocalize during intercourse to: a) boost their man’s self-image as a lover, and b) speed things up.

Just think about the implications of these statistics for a moment, even if it means giving yourself a short reprieve from saying over and over in your head “Bullshit, that’s not my situation!” The way I read these numbers is that the actual experience women have during sex and what their man perceives as their experience are very different for this 87% majority. Essentially, when any woman does this they are being, putting it politely, inauthentic –period. This begs the question of course as to why.

“Don’t Leave Me!”

As a fully impotent extraordinary intimacy expert I get interviewed quite frequently. During one radio show with a 30 something female host, (who also happened to be a relationship coach), the focus was on what women really want in terms of physical intimacy. As the discussion progressed, the host described her new relationship that allowed her to actually have an orgasm with a man for the first time in years. In the way she described their experience however, it became clear to me that he perhaps could be doing some things a little differently for even greater intimate results. So, on a hunch, I turned the interview around 180 degrees and asked her what would happen if she was totally honest with him about what he could do different during sex to please her even more.

Initially she became flustered and hesitated for a second before she answered. Then she said: “Oh my God, my mind went right back to the cave where I felt he would get angry and leave me and the kids to fend for ourselves.” Being childless, she was of course speaking metaphorically. However I think her response hits the issue of inauthenticity in the bedroom square on the head: fear of abandonment. By not being authentic, women not only sabotage the potential for incredible, nearly unlimited emotional and physical intimacy, but also set the stage for the very thing they fear most.

Fortunately there is a way out of this conundrum that is very easy to implement.

It’s all in the Positioning

First of all, let’s explore three fundamental principles about most men that will form the foundation for the process that will transform both of your intimate experiences forever:

Men aren’t mind readers – never, ever assume your man can read your mind, no matter how much he loves you. To do otherwise only invites major drama and frustration in and out of the bedroom.

Men love variety in the bedroom – this is not a bad thing –it’s just up to you on how you steer it so it works for both of you.

The greatest sexual fulfillment for a man is pleasing his partner like no other – this assumes of course that your partner is not sort of sociopathic narcissist. I have found for myself and most other men I’ve spoken to the ability to provide our mate an incredible intimate experience is its own reward. And one that is far greater than just “getting off”. But for this to happen, you need to tell him what works for you sexually speaking.(NOTE TO MEN: be sure to listen and follow what she says –trust me, you will never regret doing so)

With these in mind, let’s get down to brass tacks on how to inform your Adonis on just how you want to be pleased in the bedroom (assuming you know yourself).

Let’s face it, if you tell your man “Ah Honey, what you’re doing just doesn’t work for me, try this instead…” you will trash his ego and likely cause a major rift in your relationship.

Now, consider positioning it this way (feel free to use your own words):

“Sweetie, I so love our lovemaking… and I was just thinking. How would you like to explore other ways that may take our experience to even greater levels?” (it helps if you say this with your most seductive coy look by the way.)

I think I can safely speak for most men that if our gal said this to us we would practically be drooling to find out more for the possibility of that promised heightened intimate experience.

Coaching vs. Telling

At this point you are in the position of being his coach, intimately speaking. And this is where you don’t want to hold anything back. Remember to always reward him with authentic feedback when he does it right, and gently redirect him when he doesn’t. By approaching authenticity in the bedroom this way you are effectively helping him to create a “space” where you can fully blossom sensually. And this will have the effect of driving him (and you) absolutely wild, likely beyond anything either of you have experienced before. I truly believe that women have virtually unlimited sexual capacity if her partner creates the appropriate space for her.

Women have virtually unlimited sexual capacity if her partner creates the appropriate space for her.

How do I know? Because this has consistently been my partner’s and my experience since she has no qualms whatsoever in coaching me as to what works for her. Even after being together nearly three years we are still pushing the boundaries of what’s possible intimately speaking. It has also been the experience of couples I have taught as well.

Woman Know Thyself

There is one important caveat here. All of the above assumes that the female partner is fully knowledgeable of, in tune and comfortable with her own sexuality. Unfortunately, many women are not due to childhood experiences, religious and cultural influence. If you are not totally and uninhibitedly comfortable with the full expression of your sexuality then I suggest seeking some appropriate professional women’s sexuality therapy or training. You simply cannot tell your man what works best for you if you don’t know yourself.

Relationships fail for lots of reasons, though primarily over money and sex. It is well documented that women’s expression of intimacy changes as they age. And unless you have developed a habit of absolute authenticity surrounding your intimate life your man will not be prepared to change with you.

It is so ironic that we live in a culture where sex is everywhere yet the vast majority of couples have less than fulfilling intimate experiences, especially as they mature. The road to changing this starts with absolute authenticity on the woman’s part. And trust me, once you start down that path you will never, ever, look back.

About Michael J. Russer

Michael is a prostate cancer survivor who was left completely impotent as a result of his treatments. Yet, it was because of his impotence that he and his partner discovered an entirely new approach to emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy that far exceeds anything either experienced prior to when things were working "correctly." His mission is to help men, women and couples everywhere to achieve extraordinary intimacy on all levels.

He is an international speaker, author and thought leader on the issues of human connection and intimacy. He also speaks pro-bono to Cancer Support Centers and Gilda’s Clubs around the U.S. for cancer survivors and their partners about regaining intimacy in the face of cancer. Go to MichaelRusserLive.com to explore the possibility of having Michael speak at your next event.

Michael is also a champion of the nonprofit men's work being done by the ManKind Project ( MKPUSA.org). He completed the New Warrior Training Adventure in 2012.

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“As usual, the onus is put on women to guide a relationship.” I agree with this statement. Yes, I agree with the author of this article that women do need to learn how to sexually please themselves so they can then tell their men what they want. Women need to educate themselves. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with men educating themselves as well. Women need to learn what turns them on and convey it to their men. Men need to educate themselves about female physiology and female sexual response. Why do women have to teach men everything about having… Read more »

You missed the point. Men WANT to please but you have to let him know what pleases you. Every woman is different so yes, it’s on you, the woman to let your man know what pleases yo . What’s wrong with that? My man LOVES when I tell him what I want. It’s a win-win for everyone.

Yeah, I get the general idea of the article…but if one more man gives me the “tell me what you want” line as an excuse for being a lazy lover, then I might switch teams for awhile. The best lovers I’ve had never had to ask.

Great article!!! I think one of the key points is women needing to know themselves. But getting past decades of religious hindrances, societal pressures and self-loathing is just damn hard. When you’re crippled by the fear that your husband is as disgusted with the post-baby, post-40 and pre-menopausal changes you see in the mirror, as you are, authenticity kind of goes out the window. Battling past all of the ways we see ourselves as inadequate is the real key, here. After 18 years of marriage, I know what gets my rocks off faster than anyone, lol. But the minute I… Read more »

One more thing women could do to improve sexual relations: stop telling everyone else about the intimate details of your partner and your lovemaking! Before I was with my wife, sex would always feel like a performance and that all of her friends were in the room watching and judging because I knew they would all talk and laugh about it anyways. If your bonds with other women are dependent on revealing private info about your partner that is none of their business, then maybe you should explore your ability to make meaningful connections.

Our bonds with other women *are* dependent on revealing private details of our lives. That is actually exactly how you build intimacy. Whether it’s about sex, our relationships with our parents, kids or whoever. Women bond through sharing. There is nothing wrong with developing meaningful connections by sharing those deeper parts of ourselves with others.

Mike
Not all women do that.
I do NOTshare any details at all about sex with my women friends and nor do they.
And I am not at all shy about these matters.

Scandinavian women probabely have more number of sex partners during a life time than those in the US but it is private and nobody ask questions like “What is your number?”.
Of course I do not know what most women here share,but I have no experience with sharing sex details with women.
And to laugh about men sexually,no.
That is cruel!

I have never had a conversation about my partner’s role in our sex life with my women friends, nor have I heard about theirs. I can tell you, however, that as a tomboy I have a lot of guy friends and they talk about theirs frequently, down to the way the most intimate parts of their partner’s body look.

I agree with you, Michael, about faking sexual pleasure being a problem. In fact, I’ve always though faking an orgasm would be lying. Since I’m not in the habit of lying, especially to my intimate partners, I have never faked one. Moaning, although more of a gray area, could also be like lying or at least pretending, if done manipulatively. I’ll admit I did a little moaning acting in my first few sexual years, but stopped pretty early on too simply because authenticity is an important value to me and also — because it seems obvious that giving a man… Read more »

I appreciate your intent, Michael, but I have to agree with Erin. I think for every woman who is being inauthentic in displaying her true sexuality because it’s what she feels she’s supposed to do, it’s just as possible that there is a man out there saying that his “greatest sexual fulfillment” is “pleasing his partner like no other,” because that’s what he’s supposed to say. (Well, he might mean the “like no other” part, as a type of competition. I joke.) But I don’t think you can assume that the majority of men put their partners’ sexual fulfillment before… Read more »

From reading women’s comments on this article and others, I am seeing a common theme with some of them assuming what men want, trying to live up to an ideal that may not even be what men want. No 2 people are the same. Everyone is unique, has unique desires and pleasures. I hate fake moans, if you are faking pleasure then why bother being there? Do you also fake enthusiasm in other portions of the relationship? Do you fake being attracted to them too? A bit of exaggeration of a moan might be ok but if you aren’t enjoying… Read more »

I agree with you. Most of the comments from women are a little confusing to me. Why resent the need to tell your man what you want. What better place to have it your way than in the bedroom (reminds me of the old Burger King ad). Men LOVE pleasing their woman. If he doesn’t you’re with the wrong man!

Marie forgive my typo, the spell control does not work for me. when a man say his greatest sexual fullfillment is to please his partner then I know for certain that he is not the man for me. I probably will not even give him a chance to develop the friendship. Not because I think he is dishonest but because this may the truth and I do want to served or have a slave in bed. The most beautiful sex happenings for me has always been two persons blending into one,and it is so mystical and fantastic that I know… Read more »

Michael.when I read what you say it it sounds to me like you try to say 87% of women do fake sort of because they do not moan because this the natural thing to ……
I question what you say and would like to see facts from the report you find this data from.

To breath and be vocal makes it easier to have an orgasm,and it also make it stronger,
Something in your writing here makes me wonder what is you intent???????

I did and found only a little abstract. If you tell me how to read the study then I will, A study based on 71 women brought in from the local community in UK, We are told they often have orgasme during forplay and are vocal when they feel the man is about to have his orgasm. In other words the sound does not come when they have an orgasm but later…. I would like to read the whole study. I have never faked in my whole life and do not understand who and how a woman can do that.… Read more »

Michael, I actually think this piece is good. It’s encouraging us to talk about sex in a healthy and positive way. I do take major issue with your use of “bitch” – Please stop using names that are used to put women down in a casual way. Would you have used another slur in place of “bitch”? Why not think of all the slurs you can come up with regards to people’s race, religion, beliefs or sexual orintation and see if using any other slur would have been okay. We both know it wouldn’t. It’s not okay to use the… Read more »

First of all Erin –thank you for your very authentic and candid comments –you are truly walking your talk. As for my use of the “B” word –I simply meant it to be synonymous with “tough”, that’s all. In terms of tip-toeing around your man in giving advice about works or doesn’t for you is totally up to you. I just know men’s egos pretty well and we are frankly very sensitive about anything that can be construed as criticism, especially of our ability to be great lovers 🙂 So how you go about it really depends upon your guy… Read more »

Michael – I am totally aware that you were not trying to use the b- word in the offensive. That doesn’t change the fact that you are using a word that’s been used against women since the dawn of time to degrade them and will be used until the end of the world to degrade them. Please rethink how you use words toward women. I am asking for no more then how our country has changed it’s language in talking about other groups of people. We know that it’s not okay to use racist slurs. We know it’s not okay… Read more »

This was exactly my take upon reading it. I need to be authentic but also watch out not to offend that fragile male ego. I also take issue with the word “bitch” but it seems the author is defending it, so our thoughts don’t matter. Which, ironically, has often been my experience in bed. First off, when a woman clearly says what she wants and needs, most guys argue with me, don’t believe me, or become extremely intimidated. I, for example, don’t want a clitoral orgasm before penetration. No matter how much I say no and explain how that would… Read more »

Anne I have also experienced that a man do not like it when I do not conform to the script of lovemaking he has learn to follow. It is my personally to never tell a man how to make love to me, but I communicate feelings. And the man I married did not change in any way in his love making no matter how I responded. And after a time I told what I like or could not stand. It had no effect on him other than make him upset. Like so often my words were of no importance and… Read more »

Erin,
How would you feel about being in an intimate relationship with a man who was less than upfront to you about something you cared about, and then when you eventually found out and called him out about it, he would turn it around to you not accepting his upright honesty?

Yes, a lot of times, life may be just like that. But people are different AND people can change over time. But if we just accept it or even take it for granted, it won’t happen.