Don't Break Up

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Don’t break up! Disregard everything you read in yesterday’s article. Stay with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Breaking up will only lead to disaster. Why did you even pay attention to that article?! Are you nuts?!

Do you know Valentine’s Day is just two weeks from now? You do not want to be single on V-day. Stay together. Besides, is your partner really that awful?

Sure, you could be dating someone hotter and more charming and smarter, but finding that person will take nearly forever! Who has that kind of time? Be happy with the person you’re with! Don’t break up.

Remember how much you wanted to have a boyfriend or girlfriend? And now you have one! So what’s the problem? Stay together!

There are probably a million things about your partner that are terrific! Try to focus on those. Maybe he’s really good at remembering movie quotes, and maybe she has cute elbows. See? See all the reasons you should stay together!?

Times are rough out there. With the economy, and politics, and the climate, do you really want to be alone during this turbulent historical era? Stay together! And nobody's perfect. Remember that.

If you stay together, I will draw you a picture of actor Neil Patrick Harris drinking coffee in the morning.

See?

I held up my end of the bargain. So now you MUST stay together.

Before you start asking question, let me clear things up. No, your current lover did not send me an angry email and threatened my feet if I didn’t write this article. Honest.

I’m writing this because I care and want to help. You can trust me. I’m not just some random stranger on the internet offering up seemingly random advice about your life. I totally know you and everything about you. We’re practically siblings!

Stay together. Breaking up is too exhausting, and with the weekend approaching, you don’t want to deal with a brain full of drama. Staying together is so easy! You just do it!

Hang in there. Your relationship might get better, like a banana that’s not yet ripe. Maybe that analogy doesn’t make sense, but any analogy works when discussing relationships. Relationship are like poodles. See?

The point is: Stay together. At least for now. And forever. Never break up. If you break up, you will die alone. There are plenty of fish in the sea, but most of them are already in relationships. Stay together. If you're looking for a sign, this is it. (And not yesterday's article.)

If your significant other tries to break up with you, do everything in your power to stop the breakup. And then do things not in your power, like using lightning and genie wishes. Whatever it takes.