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Strap-on sex is a playful way to change up penetrative sex, explore pleasure with dildos and harnesses, and fulfill erotic fantasies. So many holes, so little time – if you’re curious about strap-on sex but aren’t sure where to start, here are 5 Strap-on Sex Myths Busted to get you going with strap-on joy.

Bigger is better.

For some people there is a visual and mental turn on from eyeing a giant dildo and thinking about how sexy it will be to be filled by it’s girth or length. For some of us – our eyes are bigger than our holes. To have good strap-on sex you don’t need to be humping with a giant silicone cock the size of your arm.

Strap-on play, like other kinds of penetrative play, is about the both the physical and mental stimulation of being penetrated, stuffed, stretched or filled. The sensation of being penetrated may be satisfied with a dildo that isn’t of an intimidating size, but hits all the right spots and is thrusted with a sensual rhythm.

Size does matter for strapping it on, but maybe not in the way you imagine. One consideration when choosing a dildo for strap-on play is size. Talk with your bottom/receiver about their experience with dildos in whatever hole you’re planning to penetrate. For many anal play beginners, smaller, smoother and firmer is better. Anal tissue isn’t as stretchy or as self-lubricating as vaginal tissue. You can find dildos the size of two fingers in width, check out this one.

For you size queens out there, you can definitely go big or go home if you want to! Make sure to use lots of lube, engage in lots of hand and oral sex, approach penetration slowly and with lots of communication.

#ProTip: Put condoms on your dildos during sex to make clean up and switching between holes easier and safer.

Strapping it on means you have penis envy.

People with all types of bodies, sexual orientations and genders strap it on, including people who were born with penises. Some people love strapping it on to get a chance to do the penetrating. Some want to extend penetration beyond ejaculation or have erectile challenges. Some want double penetration, while others want to have sex with their favourite dildo attached to their partner’s body. It can be exciting to subvert gender and power dynamics and to fulfill a partner’s desire for penetration. Not everyone who straps it on wants to ‘be a man’ or ‘more masculine’. We all have holes and lots of us enjoy taking or putting things in them. Dildos don’t have to be phallic looking. You can opt for a smoother dildo, or even a fun and quirky shape or color if you want.

There’s no pleasure for the giver.

Hot sex often involves a seduction of the mind and body. Strap-on sex is one of those sexy opportunities to use both our physical and mental erotic spots to create many layers of pleasure.

Lots of people get physical pleasure from strapping it on. For those of you with vulvas, your clitoral pleasure network can stimulate you through the bumping motion of your pelvis (or mons) against someone else’s body. Some dildos have internal vibrators in them to amplify sensation to both the receiver and the giver. Some of us enjoy strapping it on while we have a dildo or butt plug inside us – we’re getting our insides stimulated while we thrust.

When you’re strapping it on you also still have your hands, fingers, and mouth to give pleasure to your partner’s other erogenous zones. Think hair pulling, reaching around to play with their nipples, breasts or genitals, kissing their back or stomach and looking deep into their eyes while you work your way inside their body. This opens up the ability to get even more stimulation by paying attention to what’s going on besides the penetration – this can include feeling sexy through the way your body moves when you’re thrusting. For example, seeing the pleasure in your partner’s face, hearing or making moans, and the scent of your partner’s skin or juices can elevate your erotic pleasure.

Our biggest and best sex toy is between our ears – our mind. Most of us get a lot of pleasure from sexual thoughts – think about what’s hot about strap-on play for you:

Is it the way your partner begs for your big rainbow coloured dick?

Is it a surge of phallic power you feel when making the final adjustment on your harness?

Is it the playfulness of dragging your dildo all over your partner’s face before you slip it between their lips?

Is it the idea of being the penetrator or playing a fantasy role?

All harnesses are created equal.

It can be tempting to pay less for a ‘strap-on kit’ or cheaper harnesses. Harnesses need to feel comfortable and provide a stiff connection to the dildo so that it isn’t too floppy, making penetration difficult in some positions.

For example,

You may love the look of a panty or boxer harness, but you may not enjoy where the waistband lands on your body.

You may like the multiple anchor points that a two-strap jock harness provides, but you may not like all the buckles.

You may be a slut for a leather harnesses, but it gets too sweaty. In which case, a synthetic harness may gives you less slip.

Come into the shop and talk to the Secret Pleasures staff. For some styles, you will have the option to step into or hold it up to your body for sizing. You can expect to spend anywhere from $40-$200 on a harness.

If you’re feeling particularly adventurous – check out this DIY Scarf Harness tutorial by Midori. And check out my Strap-on Sexcessories for next level strap-on play.

If you don’t get it right the first time, it’s not for you.

Strap-on sex is a skill. You’re learning to connect to the equipment, your partner’s experience and your sexiness in strapping it on. This takes time, practice and empathy for yourself as you learn. With practice you’ll feel more confident navigating the dildos and harnesses. By communicating with your partner in a sexy way you can get more information about their experience and adjust accordingly.

Sometimes own past experiences, subconscious assumptions and body confidence can affect how we approach strap-on play. Here are some tips to navigate emotional barriers:

Make choosing the dildo and harness part of playful out-of-the-bedroom fun. Shop online or in-person for the toys you’re going to play with – talk about what turns you on about this one or that one.

Give your partner an erotic massage to relax. Use touch to discover sensitive, erogenous and exciting hot spots on their body. Some silicone lubes have a lovely velvety texture and don’t absorb into the body as quickly as water-based lubes – these are great for giving an oily-feeling massage.

Put on your harness and dildo and move your body around in the material – what hip movements, body rolls or thrusting makes you feel like you’re a sexy beast?

If there’s more pleasure to be had – I want it. sometimes that pleasure is hiding behind our own shame, confusion, lack of skill or assumptions about what brings us and our partners pleasure. Learning what works for our bodies and desires can give us more information to communicate to our partners and dig deeper into both of your desires. I’ve had a lot of fun being a receiver and a giver of strap-on play. With practice, patience and lots of trial and error – I’ve found my thrusting groove. You can too! Happy humping!

Luna Matatas is a pleasure educator, an aspiring burlesque artist and crafting goddess. She invites you to adore the art of burlesque through her shows and workshops. Luna celebrates femininity, sex-positivity and all things that glitter.

Luna packs over 10 years of experience internationally and locally in health and sexuality education. Having struggled with body image issues for many years, Luna sees burlesque as a way to embrace and shimmy her way towards body love and acceptance. As a self-identified pleasure pusher, Luna facilitates accessible, judgement-free and safe spaces for people to be curious about their fantasies, sex lives and bodies. Her workshops are refreshingly funny, warm and inviting.