GI Joe, who is a Real American Hero (not fake like those other American heroes) is now playable at your local arcade. "What the flying hell is an arcade?" you probably ask. An arcade is one of those fabled places of long ago where many, many games were assembled into one big room. You would have to play these games standing up, and most arcades didn't use screens that were bigger than 25 or so inches. Not only that, but all arcade games cost 25 cents PER PLAY or sometimes even 50 cents or more. You are probably overcome with disbelief and you may also be wondering how we ever survived such a barbaric era. Think of the arcades as a movie theater where you go to see movies in glorius 35mm and 70mm before you watch them at home on crappy VHS with your RF connection and mono TV. Arcades had games that would eventually show up on home systems, mostly much worse, with a few exceptions, of course. Not all arcade games were translated for a home system, unfortunately. Anyway, GI Joe was an arcade game. That is the entire point of this paragraph.

Scarlett, who has a nice ass, shoots town the Terror Drome with
a gun and a few bombs. A giant base is no match for a gun.

Graphics: 7/10
GI Joe seems to use a majorly tweaked engine from the arcade game Devastators, which means there are a lot of scaling objects all over the place at any given time. In fact there is so much scaling going on that you might think that you're playing a Sega CD game! It's that intense. Of course the engine should be tweaked since this game is from 1992 and Devastators was a 1988 game. Huzzah! Anyway the graphics are fairly good throughout and move quickly. But I do have one big beef. Snake Eyes looks NOTHING like Snake Eyes. In this game he has blue trim and a very weird mask. Most of the other characters look like they are supposed to look. Colors are bold and bright and all that.

When a whole bunch of Cobras team up on you (more than in
this picture) they all yell "Cooobraaaa!!!" Kind of cool. Here
Roadblock blasts up Cobra and prepares to run through a cave.

Sound: 6/10
I'm not really sure, but I think there might be a song in this game. It is really hard to tell because arcade games always have the music played at an incredibly low volume while the sound effects are blasting. That is one thing I hate about arcade games. But if there is a song in here, it certainly isn't the same one from the TV show. All of the characters shout "Yo Joe!" as often as possible. It's basically the same as saying "Go team!" at a football game. Even Snake Eyes shouts and screams, even though he never had the ability to speak. I guess this game brought out the best in him. Lots of loud explosions and stuff like that going on and they sound fine, but there certainly isn't anything exceptional here. I wish I could hear the music, as it might be good, but we'll never know.

An orange Duke fights Destro. Only 1992 technology was
powerful enough to make the cave green. Amazing.

Gameplay: 6/10
The game plays basically the same as Devastators but much faster. You run forward and tons of objects appear on the screen (far more than you see in these screenshots). Each level is continuous, meaning there is no cutting or switching to a different stage. You start out in the middle of nowhere and you run all the way inside and up a hanger or base or something like that. There are only 3 fairly long levels. When you beat the game, it starts back over from level 1 until you run out of quarters. Yee ha! Control is fairly easy with a regular shot which is just a cursor (more control and accuracy that Devastator's non-cursor shooting) as well as a bomb which blows up real good. You can't jump or turn around, but you can lay on the ground and shoot low. When you continue you can choose another character, of which there are four (Roadblock, Duke, Scarlett, and Snake Eyes). All four of you can play at the same time if you happen to have 3 friends (a rarity). You get no help from the rest of the GI Joe team or their extensive battle hardware. They must have all gone AWOL or something. Damn hippies!

A goofy looking Snake Eyes runs towards a Cobra base.
Yes, he will run ALL THE WAY there, and inside as well.

Wrap up:
GI Joe arcade is a fun diversion, but it is very short and has no lasting impact and that is probably why it was never brought out for a home system. Still, I'd like to see this game on some sort of Konami collection for the Xbox360 or PS3, both of which finally have just enough power to almost handle this game.

Since I reviewed every other version of Altered Beast, I figured I should also review the PS2 version if only for the sake of completeness. Other versions of Altered Beast which has you brought back to life from Zeus in the olden days in order to rescue his daughter who has been captured by the notorious Neff, and you must collect power orbs to slowly transform into a particular beast. With the exception of Zeus, Zeus's daughter, and Neff's absence, the lack of power orbs, the fact that the game takes place in modern times with lots of technology, crappier music and that the gameplay is completely different in every way, this version is exactly like every other version of Altered Beast. So let's take a closer look.

You are the only survivor of a helicopter crash (of course) and can run
around, jump and act like a dumbass just like a normal human.

Graphics: 6/10
The graphics aren't bad per se, but they just don't really have anything going for them. Just about everything seems really dark in the game, the bosses are large and some of them look pretty cool, but overall the graphics are barely above average. There are a lot of video clips when you transform into the Altered Beast and they look very, very painful. But they are fun to watch and there are many of them. The game runs at a constant 30 frames per second which made for some crisp hi-res screen captures as I played the game, but alas I had to shrink them down and JPEG them for this review. Don't like it? Well you can shave your balls and eat your pubic hair, because I don't care!

Translation: "What the hell does this game have to do
with Altered Beast, and why do I have to be in it?"

Ouch.

Sound: 2/10
The music in this game ranges from nearly mediocre to godawful. Don't buy the soundtrack for this one. You've been warned. The sound effects are fine, with lots of growls and creature noises and stuff like that which you would expect. There are no surround sound modes as far as I can tell, so you'll have to put up with plain ol' stereo. Nothing seems to matrix itself into the surround channels. The voices are all in English, so language is not a problem in this game. Most of the menus are in English as well. Key word being "most".

The werewolf (center) fights the first lame boss.

Gameplay: 4/10
You've played this game before, I guarantee it. How so? Well see if this sounds familiar: You start out with minimal powers. You use that power to wander around, collecting a few items and defeating enemies. There are areas you cannot get to. You fight a boss and gain a new power. You can use this power to gain access to a new area and work your way up to the next boss and gain yet another new power. Repeat. See, you've probably played a thousand games like this. An example of a good version of this gameplay style would be WonderBoy III: The Dragon's Trap for the Sega Master System. An example of a bad version would be this game here. Anyway you run around fighting enemies in order to get a new "chip". Each chip will let you transform into a new beasty. You can transform into any beast at any time as long as you have the chip. The transformations are painfully violent, with your skin tearing off and flying away as the beast emerges from within. Of course when you traansform back into a human (at any time except underwater) you are perfectly fine and without damage, and even your pants are restored and not even ripped. The first time you turn into the werewolf, your shirt gets ripped off but it never comes back for some odd reason. Each beasty (there are 6) has its own unique power which you must use to progress through the boring game. The game also features a boss mode and other boring options. You can even save your progress at checkpoints.

The merman is incredibly difficult to control and fight with.

Wrap up:
Every once in awhile a game will come out that engrosses you with its highly enjoyable gameplay and will be remembered fondly throughout the rest of gaming history. This is not one of those times.

The game runs at a constant 30 frames per second which made for some crisp hi-res screen captures as I played the game, but alas I had to shrink them down and JPEG them for this review. Don't like it? Well you can shave your balls and eat your pubic hair, because I don't care!

No Sinful Sam, that Altered Beast is evil. Why must they ruin classic series? They know full well that what they're doing is simply wrong. We can only fight back by not purchasing these crappy products.

That zany Katamari Damacy is back! For the most part, it is pretty much the same as the first game, right down to making me queasy! Your goal is still to roll around collecting a bunch of junk until your ball gets so big that an entire planet can be made out of it (all of which resemble disco balls). Then you must roll up the planets themselves to collect the sun. Wacky wacky. I like wacky. Unfortunately this game doesn't seem to be as amazingly gay as the first, which makes it less funny.

Once again you roll up balls of crap as big as possible.

Graphics: 7/10
The graphics are pretty much identical to the first game. Props must be given to all of the polygons that must be onscreen at any given time just in the ball of junk alone, but detail is fairly scarce as are textures. I haven't noticed any slowdown or frame rate droppage. This game makes me queasy, whereas games like Super Monkey Ball which have far more motion do not. I blame the inferior designers here. To reduce the risk of motion sickness, play on a smaller TV. Also, this game does not run in 480p as reported in some places on the web, nor is 16:9 widescreen supported. It's plain vanilla, just like the first, but with some damed kooky designs. There are lots of graphics and text that will need to be translated into English for the US release.

The King as a punk teenager kicks some ass!

Sound: 7/10
Looking back at my Katamari 1 review, I did not assign a rating for the sound (brain fart). I would have given it an 8. I give the sound here a 7. While some of the music is really cool, it doesn't have all of the charm or kookiness of the original. OK it does have a decent amount of kookiness, but overall it isn't as crazy the original. You are able to select the music you listen to this time before you begin a stage. Some extra money was spent on the music as it has a full blown orchestra at times. You can unlock a sound test with 24 tracks. HERE is a short sample of my favorite tune from the game, full of high energy (916KB). Yeah, it kind of sucks, but I laugh at it. The sound effects are similar to the first game, with people and things making bizarre noises all around and the such. WARNING: There is one music track that will make you think your Playstation 2's laser is dying (easy to think since the laser in the PS2 is CRAP). This is the way the song was recorded, so don't worry!

Walk up to one of your "fans" and they will give you a mission.

Gameplay: 7/10
This game offers nothing that is really new that I could detect, aside from a few minor twists to the formula such as trying to keep a burning katamari on fire. When you are playing, it mostly feels like you are playing the first game except now there is less money in your wallet. Thankfully this game is cheap, so that's OK. It retains the dual-stick method of steering the ball which I have come to dislike. It is easy to know what you have to do to steer your ball, but it is slow and is about as smooth and responsive as driving a twenty-story tall mech. Again, I prefer the controls of Super Monkey Ball much more. But then again, Sega has always kicked Namco's ass. The cut scenes in this game aren't as outright bizarre as the first game, and that makes me sad, but we do get to see the King as a kid (I think it's him, anyway) and that alone is pretty damn funny, which makes me happy. JoeTip: Be sure to try and fail at least once when trying to roll up the sun. The king won't get pissed and shoot eye-lasers at you, I promise. But you must fail at least once. You can try to collect the sun by talking to the black dog. Sometimes as you are playing, the king will appear in the center of the screen and start mouthing off as you play. This is very annoying because it blocks what you are doing.

A burning katamari! Keep collecting things that burn and don't
touch the water! This stage takes place in Waco, Texas.

Wrap up:
This game is basically an expansion pack for the first and not much more. Fortunately the first game was pretty good.

Good review, Joe. This part was especially memorable ~ "Again, I prefer the controls of Super Monkey Ball much more. But then again, Sega has always kicked Namco's ass." I'd get the import but I suppose I can wait for it to come out here later this year.

By the way, I'll finish work on the Game Music Mix #5 CD today and PM you the tracklisting. It will kick mucho grande ass, that's a promise!

Also, there is voice in We Love Katamari that will need to be translated into English. Of course they may leave the narration out completely. But all of the FMV needs to be re-compressed as there is Japanese text in that.

This post that I am typing right now and that you are reading right now (God knows why... that is if there is a God) is only here to finish off the page so I can post my next review on the next page instead of this one. That way I won't have 10,000 reviews on a single page and it will take less than 1/2 and hour to load. I don't know why you are still reading this post, as there are no hidden gems or prizes here. It is just filler!