This Side of Life

A short novel that will have a couple chapters when it's complete. This story is about a boy who's dad gets sent off to war but its not about the war. Its about they boy who has to live with that life. I hope you enjoy!

Table of Contents

A short novel that will have a couple chapters when it's complete. This story is about a boy who's dad gets sent off to war but its not about the war. Its about they boy who has to live with that life. I hope you enjoy! Read Chapter

My first impression of your story was the enthusiasm you have in telling it. Although a simple story, the deep passion portrayed by Jeremie and the conflict he faced, drew me in. I felt the characters need to be developed more so that we, the readers can sympathize more with them.

The dialogue was vivid but suffering from style formatting, which caused me problems. Please see: *http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/writingexercises/qt/punctuation.htm

Overall, your story was nice but that’s bad. You want me to feel the pain of abandonment and the agony of Jeremie’s grief of thinking he may loose his father; whereas, I experience a ‘cute story’ theme because I was not allowed enough involvement with time and knowledge in getting to know your characters. In other words, the chapter needs to be fleshed out. No heartache on this Willabeth, you propelled your story forward in a sequence of actions and your story moved along smoothly, which was crafty in your part.

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My grammar tunes are to be used at your own discretion
and you should always be wise to follow your heart dictations while also researching what is correct. My comments are also my personal take therefore, you should understand you’re the creator and as such, I only suggest. Please feel free to discuss anything I may not be clear with so I can make it comprehensible to you.

Remember, I cannot tell you how to write...I will advice you according to my experience (whoops, not a bargain) and how I believe you will enhance your writing. Since, no one can tell you how because all the books on how to are used with discretion and discrimination due to the determining factor of the subject, who we are and the means we want to attain.

The above is my advice to you and my personal motto. Please realize this preaching applies to all my reviews!

GRAMMAR TUNES:

He never saw her on the couch before.
He did not ever see her on the couch.

He dropped his bags down, sat next to her, and asked, “Is everything ok?”
He dropped his bags down and sat next to her and asked, “Is everything ok?”

(Fragment - missing verb) = His own father was in the army!
His own father in the army!

Finally, (comma)he came out of his room and sat down on the couch so his mom could finish.
Finally he came out of his room and sat down on the couch so his mom could finish.

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A cautionary tale I give everyone is to follow your heart, learn your craft (esp. the elements of grammar, which is the tool that will chisel your writing) and to be creative.
Remember the joy of writing - “CHERRYH'S LAW: NO RULE SHOULD BE FOLLOWED OFF A CLIFF.”
http://www.sfwa.org/writing/chadvce.htm

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At this point, I think you should progress with your novel and not dwell into the issues I am bringing to your attention. Once you have your novel written then plunge into your revision with this in mind.

What I need from this chapter is the following:

Mom what do you look like, how old, bald, or fat? Maybe try a character chart at URL: http://www.eclectics.com/articles/character.html

My biggest problem, setting and locale description is also, your fallacy. I get the great story set in oblivion, an invisible place and I can’t pinpoint the time period was supper. Wow! You have to root characters, like Jeremie’s unmade bed in his spotless house somewhere because these things show the readers character traits. What war was this (historical details)?
http://www.rachelsimon.com/wgcontents.htm

You have to sprout the seeds!

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Keep in mind that discovering your story, giving life to your characters and inventing the action is more then half the fun. The challenge is in the craft of writing it so we can experience the fun you’re having, which is hard work. My advice is don’t give up, perseverance will get you there; have faith.

Now that you've taken into account all these things, let the fun begin, write on.

AuthorReply

Comment | 33 words

Mon, January 28th, 2008 9:14pm

Thx!,... I think umm I like that you loved it and i will work on it but next time can you make your comments more brief. I understand and ill work on it

Unknown

Comment | 357 words

Sat, January 26th, 2008 8:02pm

Great beginning, very captivating, but you could use some editing. Here is the version I rewrote of the opening of your story for pure suggestion. See what you think.

Jeremie got home from school, only to see his mom on the couch. He never saw her on the couch. She was always doing something... like laundry or even sometimes just walking around the house.

He dropped his bags down, and sat next to her. He then took a deep breath and sked.
“Is everything ok?”
The words his mother spoke next frightened him.
“I need to tell you something honey.”

Jeremie started to get very nervous.
“The United States has forced your father to go to war.”
Jeremie gasped! He could't believe it! His own father... in the army?
It took a moment for him to slowly utter his next words.
“But what if he gets killed, mom?”
“Honey don’t worry,” said his mom. “He did leave one…”
"WHAT!...YOU MEAN HE'S GONE ALREADY!”
“Yes but… Jeremie!”
Before she could finish her sentence, he ran to his room and cried in his pillow. After a while, his mother came up to try to comfort him.
“Mom... I have a really bad feeling he will die.”
“Don’t worry," she said. "He will be fine.” Jeremie tried to get out words, but he just couldn’t stop crying.

His mom waited patiently for him to calm down, and then took a deep breath. Finally he calmed down enough so his mom could finish.
“Baby, he did leave one thing for you.”
“Really... what?” said Jeremie.
“He left you…he," she couldn't quite say it. "left…well- he left a letter for you and he said for me not to read it." She waited a moment before continuing. "It is only allowed to be seen by those who Hunt for Truth. And the last thing he said to me was... only those who believe can see it."

If you didn't notice, I changed it so that he never left the bedroom, rather the mother came to him. Leave me a comment telling me what you think.
-Sarah Shostikovich

AuthorReply

Comment | 51 words

Mon, January 28th, 2008 9:18pm

This is a good idea. I do appreciate it and if you dont mind i think ill use that! I realy appreciate all the hel ive gotten because im not quite used to writing much yet. Im not that great of a writer and everybodys support will truly help! Thanks again.

This is pretty interesting so far, but a little confusing. But still good. Keep writing. I can't wait to read more.

*Mandy

AuthorReply

Comment | 50 words

Fri, January 25th, 2008 10:18pm

hanks I will work on it. Yes I do understand it is confusing a little but by the next chapter or so I will have it clear I think. But thanks for support. It is also meant to follow on the track of one of my favorite movies National Treasure.

This is pretty good so far. You have an interesting style of writing. You should try spacing your actions and dialogue a little instead of having it as a long paragraph.(I hope that made sense) I'm off to read chapter 2 =]

*Mandy

AuthorReply

Comment | 37 words

Fri, January 25th, 2008 10:21pm

I think I get what you mean and ill work on it! Thanks for the advice I realy do appreciate it because I am just accually starting to care about writing so every little tip helps! Thanks