mom on a mission

Friday, March 9, 2012

Today our oldest child turns 18! ITs such a weird time for me. i realized she is no longer my responsiblity legally! For 18 years ive been legally bound to feed, clothe, educate, house, etc. Im having a hard enough time dealing with one being legal age, next year it will be another one!!! I feel like all my ducklings are getting ready to leave my nest! I used to think this was a good thing, a fun thing,,,sooo not the case!!!! Im feeling lost, scared, and so wanting to regain my authority!!!! UGHHH !!!!!! I want to be able to continue to protect them all! protect them from the things that they dont even realize exhist in this awful world! i know some parents cant wait till their kids are 18 because they can sit back and relax, NOW i think the real worry begins!!! We have one after another turning 18 not even getting a break! i want to turn back time! i wish i had 4 kiddos under 5 again!!!! it was a crazy time, but i knew i could protect them! Now with Brandi being 18 and Jessika a year behind, id give my right arm for those toddler days! Needing my ducklings all in a row again!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

a while ago i typed a letter to my birthmother. It wasnt meant to be warm and fuzzy, it was supposed to speak the truth. The truth as i see it. 40 years ago she decided to place me and walk out of my life, and march 11 2009 i allowed her back in, only to yup, walk bak out again in octobWer of this year claiming she needed to work on her issue.

Well today she got the letter i wrote. needless to say she was pissed off!!! some how again i am the reason for her issues. i spoke the truth, she didnt "place me" she gave away her kid, and i said just that! no false statement there! She used to hold all the cards in her hands, didnt want me to tell my brother i exhisted, wanted full controll of our meeting, full control of when she met my family, well with that letter I TOOK BACK MY CONTROL!!!!! IT KINDA SUX HURTING PEOPLE TO REGAIN MYSELF, BUT IT HAD TO BE DONE!