November 19, 2012

The Rory Gilmore Way Of Life

You know, I was starting to think I had everything figured out. Things are finally starting to line up with school; I only have one more class to take after this semester, then I can transfer out to the state college here in town. It's definitely not my first choice, but that's an entirely different story altogether. I applied to CSUB, and now I just wait to hear back from them. But, while I was waiting, I talked to a friend that brought up some good points about Fresno Pacific, another campus here in town. It's a Christian curriculum, and another big selling point is that it's a small campus, which is something I've been used to my entire life. I've always gone to private schools, except for the community college right now, but it's small and I really like that it's more personal in classes.

I decided to check into FPU and found that they seem to have a good communications program, which is my major. I was really starting to get my heart set on that, when I started researching prices. When I realized just how expensive it is, my heart sank...And I'm back to square one. I was trying to get opinions of people who have been to both schools to get their views, but most of them just said that I should go away. Believe me, I would if I could. I always thought, in the amazing little imagination that I have, that I'd be able to go away and live the ideal college life that I've always seen portrayed on TV, but things are a little different in my actual world. I don't have the money for school, let alone books and rent. Therefore, I'm stuck at home and settling for the last college of my choices, but really the only on my list.

I guess I should check into scholarships like my friend from church has been telling me the last year or so, but maybe I'm making excuses as to why I shouldn't. It's amazing how I can want nothing more than to get out of here and make something of myself in order to live out my dreams, yet I'm too scared to push myself to get to that point. Maybe because I don't have anyone really pushing me to get out and do amazing things, I feel like I'm doing perfectly fine where I'm at now. And I'm not, I'm really not okay with it. One part of me is thinking that this is a good decision and I should wait, because I still have a lot of growing up to do. I've barely started doing things for myself and I don't even have my license yet. The other part of me is saying some of the best things in life happen when you don't think and just jump on them. I've prayed about it a little, but probably not as much as I should, and I feel just as confused.

I've had a few breakdowns lately about life and college, more mentally than actually saying anything about it out loud, but I'd like to call this the Rory Gilmore way. Every time she had a mental breakdown, she always ended up pulling off something really amazing...So, maybe it's a fuel starter for me to go after what I really want. I really want some clarification on where to go next, though. Heck, I still have to pick out a class for next semester. It feels like everything is just overlapping, which is making it extremely hard to focus on any one decision. Hmm...This growing up stuff is sure something else.

I'll be sure to keep you posted on this exciting journey I am embarking on.