Remember in the Exorcist They Thought it Was Rats in the Attic and It Was the Devil?

Well what the hell is that scratching, scraping and skittering I’m hearing in my walls? Listen, I know I’m a Halloween enthusiast (I only just took my Halloween decorations down a couple weeks ago, and I’m already planning this year’s Halloween festivities.) and I’m attracted to dark things — let’s just say, euphemistically, that I’m a fan of “life’s mysterious aspects.” But I don’t think this warrants a visit from you-know-who. I went to church two years ago, and I’ve been known to say a few prayers. I told management for my building that I think it’s squirrels in the walls and on the roof – I live in the penthouse, that is, the top floor. I stopped myself from making a joke about you-know-who being in the walls, because I didn’t want to flesh that idea out too much if you know what I mean. But hell if I didn’t see hide nor hair of any small furry animal on the roof when I went up there. SO, WHERE THE FUCK’S THAT NOISE COMING FROM!!!! Just so you know, other neighbors have heard it too – so it wouldn’t be just me who’s targeted to be his personal minion. Hey look, like in the movie when they’re throwing holy water on Linda Blair, the power of Christ compels me, and my daddy bought me a bonafide crucifix from Italy, and I WILL use it if I have to!