#SpillSesh: Anti-LGBTQ Families – Pt. 1, Accidentally Outed by Dad

This has been a #SpillSesh I have been meaning to do for a very long time. Ever since creating my page and blog, I regularly receive a stream of private messages, particularly from young and international followers, struggling with anti-LGBTQ families. They often ask me how to deal with the fear of retribution for coming out, or for those who already have, how to pick up the pieces and (quite literally) survive. While I can offer my best advice, I think it is crucial to hear from members of the community who have gone through these exact circumstances and how they are dealing. In Part 1, we hear from Augusto (@augustocdh)…

How old are you and where are you from? I’m 25, born and raised in the Dominican Republic, currently in Michigan.

Are you currently out as LGBTQ+? If so, for how long and to whom? I’m gay. Been out for almost 8 years to most of my friends and co-workers.

Are you currently out to your family as LGBTQ+? If so, to what extent? Three of my cousins know, and that’s like it.

How did you come out to your family, and if not, why are you avoiding it? I came out by accident, had an incident with my dad where he caught me being intimate with someone while he was at home. It’s been 5 and half years since that happened.

If you did come out to your family, how did they react? Well… after the incident, I was stripped out of house keys for more than 3 years. My mom promised me that the three of us (aka my parents and I) would do family therapy together, but it never materialized.

What do you think your family’s main issue is with your sexuality? I come from a super religious country. Our traditions and culture do not embrace LGBTQ+ folks in general. We can be seen as worse than criminals, but in recent years, that attitude has been slowly changing for the better.

Do you think anything will ever change how they feel about your sexuality? Time will tell. I have evaded that conversation with my parents because of my family dynamics and complexity, I don’t want to hurt them until I am more responsible of myself.

Do you have any pro-LGBTQ+ allies in your family that can help the situation? If so, did you try to use them and what happened? I do have support from the three cousins who know, I haven’t use them for this as much, since two of them here in the U.S., for example.

How does your family’s perception of your sexuality impact you day to day? As I’m currently away from home, it hasn’t affected me at all. However, once I return home (which could happen in less than a month), it will change a lot. I’m fine alone and only needing them for words of encouragement and financial support if necessary.

Has your family’s reaction to your sexuality resulted in you creating an alternate family for support? It has. My closest friends are my little treasure back home. We don’t hang out as much as I would love to, but they’re my refuge when I feel like crap.

Do you care anymore about how your family feels about your sexuality? Yes and no. Yes, because of some aspects, it’s something that will hurt and piss a lot of them, and No because, that’s my reality, who I am, and that’s it. They’ve got to deal with it. Period.

What advice would you give yourself on how to deal with this situation based on what you know now? Don’t do stupid things when your parents are around! That’s a huge red flag. If you think you’re sneaking out and doing it better, you will later regret it. Don’t sacrifice friendships for being hormonal and horny. Be naughty with someone else, who really wants to be kinky and freaky with you. Friends are for hanging out, having a great time, and providing unconditional love and emotional support to – they’re NOT your fuck buddies. And that’s facts, period.

What advice would you give another LGBTQ+ person struggling with an unaccepting family? Create your little circle of friends, as you will eventually become family. That’s the best support system you will find. Family should be all about love and support, and that’s what should matter the most.

Any coping advice, particularly, for young readers who still rely on their families for financial support and have no option? I can call myself a very lucky individual, that even though I was caught, since I was already working and being semi-responsible for myself, they still supported my education. Please make sure that you are as responsible of yourself as you could possibly be, to ensure your own mental stability during the process. If you’re as independent as you can be, they might be pissed, but that won’t stop you from moving ahead in life.

Any other thoughts, comments, advice, tips, regrets? Take your time when it comes to coming out to terms to your sexuality. You’re the one who owns the process and when to come out to your family and friends. I don’t regret anything that I’ve done, because for good or bad, we have to learn from our mistakes and that’s something I always try to do. We’re imperfect beings. If there’s anyone out there, who would like to chat with me about their experiences, I’m more than welcome to receive DMs and provide encouragement.