Lingerie Patrol™ Emmy Edition

The stars dressed to impress, once again, at this year’s Emmys. While some turned heads for all the right reasons, I suppose a few disappointments are always inevitable. Here’s a rundown of the looks I loved, not just for their overall design but how beautifully they showcased the wearer’s figures.

The “Breast Dressed” top honor goes to Christina Hendricks. I give her a standing ovation for such a well put-together look. The neckline of her dress was very flattering. It hit in exactly the right spot to position her girls for maximum sex appeal without making them distracting. Hands down, this was the best I’ve seen her at an awards show, as well as the slimmest – the result of having her girls in the right place with the right neckline.

If I didn’t know better, I’d swear she was wearing a great strapless bra. Christina insists, however, that designer Christian Siriano constructs her dresses so meticulously she’s able to wear them sans brassiere. Goes to show how important a role structured underpinnings and proper alterations play in creating our most desired shapes.

Sofia Vergara was another standout for me. She certainly commanded attention in a fiery, curve-hugging dress by Vera Wang. She also performed well in the Best Breast Placement category. I wish she’d give us some more variety, though. I always see her in the same predictable shape, but I applaud her for wearing it well. Her breasts were nicely handled and contained.

Maria Menounos and Julie Bowen also made it into my Breast Dressed winner’s circle. These ladies, clearly, took their dress rehearsals seriously. On the big night, they pulled off near-perfect performances with equally flattering necklines.

The “Room for Improvement” list includes a few actresses I really like. It was tough for me to single them out, especially since they usually hit the mark on the screen and fashion-wise. Most of them really could have used a good neckline yank up of about two inches.

Tina Fey and Julianne Hough had a few problems. Both wrestled with the “quad boob” effect, with breasts hanging over the edge of their dresses. I think Tina’s low neckline was partially to blame. The top of her dress was a bit too small. She even suffered a wardrobe malfunction onstage, accidently baring a nipple.

Julianne’s dress was also too small for her. She was probably wearing a sample dress instead of one altered to fit her body. You can tell by the seaming around the bust that there was not enough there. I don’t think her backside was properly covered, either.

January Jones, Claire Danes and Connie Britton racked up fashion demerits, as well. January’s dress completely flattened her, despite the fact she’s not flat chested. She needed more definition. And, a better neckline could have helped avoid the skin flap under her arm noticeable in so many photos from the event.

I think Claire’s dress was a big miss, too. What a shame because it looked so fabulous from behind. Her problem could have easily been solved with a few tiny alterations. The sheer netting in her décolleté saved her from any wardrobe malfunctions throughout the evening, thankfully. If only the dress had been pulled up about two inches, she’d have definitely been a hit.

Connie’s problem was similar to Tina’s. She didn’t have a quad boob, but the dress was too low cut. The general rule of thumb: the apex of the breast needs to be halfway between the elbow and shoulder. Any lower, you look more matronly, heavier and less youthful.

What did you think of this year’s Emmy looks? Whose did you love and who did you think could have used a few more dress rehearsals?