Sex Advice: How Much SEX is Enough???

Dr. Jeff Kane

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How much sex is enough? It depends on who you ask. Sexual appetite is kind of like hunger. Some people like lots of small meals. Others like one large meal. For the over-indulgent, they never seem to get full! Of course, the “standard” for how much sex is the “right” amount will vary in every relationship. The “sticking point” that often leads couples down the road of arguing is when their sexual drives are very far apart. The result is friction and lots of disagreements about “how much” sex is enough. Instead of going back and forth about whose view is more correct, here are a few pointers that can get your sex life back on track!

Sex Advice Nugget #1: Wear Your Relationship Hat

How much sex do you need to fill your “tank?” When I ask couples this question I hear very interesting answers. “I only need it once in a while and he wants it all the time!” “Sex is not the more important thing in our marriage, she needs to understand that I had a long day at work and I’m tired.” “He thinks I’m his sexual slave!” The list goes on and on. Knowing what your own needs is quite important. However, remember that you are not in your relationship by yourself. What may be a good fit for you may not be a good fit for your relationship. Have a conversation with your loved one and discuss what works best for the both of you. You will not always get your way and either will your loved one. Finding a middle ground can make a huge difference. Flexibility can create an amazing sexual experience!

Sex Advice Nugget#2: Be OPEN to the Possibilities

Should you only have sex when you are in the mood? Have you ever “not” been in the mood for sex and after getting started you thought to yourself, “Wow, this was a great idea!” It’s like going to the gym when you are not in the mood to really go. Once you get there and start feeling your body sweat you are happy you went. Be open and willing to change your mood and feeling that you have at the present moment in time. Just because you don’t feel like sex in the afternoon it doesn’t mean you may not be ready for some fun in the evening. Be careful what expectations you create. What you tell yourself will often create the context for what comes next!

Sex Advice Nugget #3: Make it Fun!

Do you enjoy sex or does it feel like a chore? I know this sounds crazy to mention but sex is supposed to be fun! Yes, lots of fun. Hot, steamy and very exciting. Often, when couples focus too much on the “quantity” they have sex they forget about the “quality” of their sexual experience. Do you know what an enjoyable sexual experience “looks like” to your loved one? If not, find out! In our coaching sessions, I encourage couples to “draw a picture” of what good sex looks like. Once you know how to fulfill one another’s needs sex will become fun. Making sex fun will change everything. After all, isn’t it important to keep the “spark” alive in your relationship?

About author

Dr. Jeff Kane is a Doctor in Marriage and Family Therapy and the founder of Relationships Unscripted. Over the past 20 years he has helped couples re-ignite their spark, passion and have great sex in their relationships. Learn more about the couples coaching programs, free webinars and Ask Dr. Jeff your burning relationship questions at RelationshipsUnscripted.com.

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