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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Remember when I first posted this four years ago? How shocking it was back then?

Ahh, those were the days.

Unfortunately, wreckerators thought edible birth scenes were a BRILLIANT idea, and suddenly there were fondant babies popping out of raspberry jam-smeared vajay jays everywhere. And for some odd reason, I can't help but feel just a teensy bit responsible.

I am become death, the destroyer of wombs.

You might think the more cartoonish versions would be less traumatizing, but only if you've never seen the amount of pubic hair sprinkles that I have. Yeah, you heard me: PUBIC HAIR SPRINKLES. If I have to see it, the least you can do is imagine it.

Do you see the size of that censor box? DO YOU?

Let's just say there are five people at that shower who will never eat chocolate sprinkles again.

And the sixth will never kiss the top of her kids' heads again.

You'll also note that the pubic hair sprinkles are shedding/spreading down mom's legs. You will note this, because I won't let you not note it, and also because I'm really enjoying typing "pubic hair sprinkles."

Question: Where are this poor woman's arms?

And why does she have two pumpkins on her chest? And should we be happy the baby is smeared in white icing instead of raspberry jam?

Which reminds me of a:

TRUE STORY I COULD NOT POSSIBLY MAKE UP: I've attended one birth in my life (beside my own, of course, but the view that time was terrible), and the baby was a "cheesecake baby." Nurses, feel free to explain that in the comments. Everyone else, good luck not remembering this the next time you're eating cheesecake.

I'd really hoped this kind of insanity was contained to just the U.S., but no.

I'm not sure what's coming out of that woman, but it looks like the volleyball head from Castaway floating in intestines. (The censor bar says, "You're welcome.")

And speaking of censor bars, this final cake was so explicit that it was actually impossible to make a censor bar large enough, so we've done the reverse: covered everything except a small circle. Even that is pretty graphic, though, so scroll with caution - and don't say I didn't warn you. ;)

You guys, I never thought I'd say this, but... I miss belly cakes.

(You know it's bad when a C-section cake is less traumatizing, am I right?)

Thanks to Tessa L., Ginn, Christina T., Karen H., and Amanda N., and an extra big and bloody thanks to Laura of Mamma Jamma Cakes, the baker of the most explicitly realistic birth cake I've ever had the misfortune of seeing in all its uncensored glory.

Laura actually sent me the cake herself, explaining that even though she managed to gross herself out with it, she's still especially proud of the "skin tone and blemishes." If your morbid curiosity is compelling you to see the full, uncensored version - and I know it is - then you can see it HERE. (EXTREMELY NSFW. You have been warned!)

Reader Comments (199)

The non-US cake is EXTREMELY funny in Danish (and Denmark, in general)

The word "Moderkage" means "placenta", but can be literally translated as "Mother cake" - a really great pun (or a really bad one, depending on taste)

It's from a satirical radio show, made for one of the hosts when she went on maternity leave. Yes, this is considered "a good sense of humour" in Denmark - the radio show is on national, statefunded radio and the uncensored image of the cake is on their Facebook page :D

I feel a little sick. And I didn't even take the link to the other wreck. But I have you to thank, Cake Wrecks, for putting me off cake for a LONG time! This is good for my healthy eating plan. Now can you start a companion blog to put me off cookies?

Just the title of this post was enough to make me go "Eww"! But still I clicked on.... right through to the very last click. EWW !! Do people fight over who gets the baby piece. Or do they freeze that part and bring it out to celebrate the baby's first birthday?

I have had the joyful experience of giving birth 3 times to 3 wonderful, amazing, brilliant kids. I did not video tape it or have one of those handy dandy mirrors. I didn't want to see what was going on down there. And I definitely wouldn't want to slather icing on it and eat it with a picnic fork. Ew.

Sung to "Love Story" by Andy Williams, from the movie of the same name (NOT Taylor Swift, who seems like a lovely person, don't get me wrong...)

Where do I beginto tell the story of the cakes that I have seen?Of cakes that really once seen cannot be unseenThe simple truth is that cakes shouldn't make you greenWhere do I start?

With Olivia's pushJen became Death, Destoyer of Shower Cake WombsBegat Theresa, pubic sprinkles, cheesecake swoonsI won't approach those things with forks or even spoonsWhy did they start?

Why did they start with pooling, jammy things?The censor bars hide oh, so many thingsAnd then I clicked the link aboveI know that I was warned, but I'm suggestibleCan anyone think that thing's edible?Hide behind my handBut it's still there

How will it all end?I miss C-section cakes with tiny waving handsI have no answers but think we must take a standThat cakes with taste and decorum should always be plannedOr they'll get worse.

No, I can't say that I have ever "seen the amount of pubic hair sprinkles that I have"...and I don't WANT to see your pubic hair sprinkles, either! [Sorry, John, but that's the way I read it...Your wife's gone off the deep end!]

I am so happy my childbearing years are over so I don't have to worry about having such a cake made in my "honor". The fear of being present when a cake like this should appear is enough to put me off baby showers for life (and possibly wedding showers, given the trend.)

Pretty sure that a "cheesecake baby" is a baby that is born with a lot of vernix still covering him/her. My daughter was like that- she did sort of look like she had white icing on her when she was born. Eh, whatever. I'm not really grossed out by much, comes from being a biology major, I suppose.

And no - they don't shave women. Why would they? It would just add to the uncomfortableness of recovering from birth. If you want to shave yourself, go for it, but they won't do it for you. Unless you get a c-section, I think. But you want to avoid that if possible.

Jen, I have to say, I love your blog, but I never post....these cakes were disturbing! But that last one was kind of neat.....and disturbing. I'd probably still eat it though. XD I'd just try to get a piece of leg.

Tori, it's 2012. Doctors don't shave moms anymore, or give enemas, or many other things that cause more harm than good. Unless you get a crap doctor. For the Ob related version of this site, visit http://myobsaidwhat.com - I hope you're not too close to your due date...

Yeah, you must be talking about a baby covered in vernix- it's white and creamy and sticks all over EVERYTHING- stethoscope, whatever you're wearing. It's pretty gross. I'm a med student and have seen my share of births. It's disgusting every.single.time. OBGYN is not in my future. I can't believe anybody thinks it's a good idea to put it on cake! But I guess at least none of these moms were also pooping.

and as for the pubic hair, nope, they don't shave moms. Why would they? it's not really a sterile field. Whatever they come in with is how they look. They do shave the lower abdomen before a c-section, but not really the bikini line.

What a timely post! I just came home after helping my sister go 30 hours through unmedicated labor and watched the baby pop out and an episiotomy occur and a placenta show up and stuff. These cakes sure didn't phase me. I just ate breakfast while looking at them, in fact, even the last one. I think the weirdest/grossest looking part of birth is actually probably the part where the baby hasn't crowned and the head is all squeezed up inside things. Fascinating how that skull changes its shape in tthere. At least these weren't episiotomy cakes, now that would be a little much. :-) hehe