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> What's the matter with your life?> Is the poverty bringing u down?> Is the mail man jerking u 'round?> Did he put your million dollar check in someone elses box?>> What's the matter with your world?> Was it a boy when u wanted a girl?> Don't u know straight hair ain't got no curl?> Life it ain't real funky unless it's got that pop. Dig it>> Pop life - Everybody Needs a thrill> Pop life - We all got a space to fill> Pop life - Everybody can't be on top> But life it ain't to funky unless it's got that pop. Dig it>> What's that underneath your hair?> Is there anybody living there?> U can't get over, if u say u just don't care> Show me a boy who stays in school and I'll show u a boy aware! Dig it.>> What u putting in your nose?> Is that where all your money goes?> The river of addiction flows, u think it's hot> But there won't be no water when the fire blows, Dig it>> Pop life - everybody needs a thrill> Pop life - we all got a space to fill> Pop life - everybody can't be on top> But life it ain't 2 funky unless it's got that pop> Dig it.

} Dig it deep o yes indeed,} six feet under is what you need.} If thrill is what you ask from life,} Go out and get a real sharp knife.}} Wash down the pills with a gallon of booze,} And settle yourself for an eternal snooze.} Why stick around and moan and whine} when you can sniff some rancid turpentine?}} Stop life--being bored is where it's at.} Stop life--nobody hands you a welcome mat.} Stop life--If you a desire a life with pop,} Maybe you should consider making it stop.}} Stability and patience are the keys} Otherwise you get an incurable disease.} If you gotta have it fast and now,} Try getting it on with a rabid cow.}} Keep it simple. Keep it cool.} Or drown yourself in your neighbor's pool.} If you burn the candle at both ends,} Don't turn your back on your so-called friends.}} Stop life--being bored is the thing to do!} Stop life--don't settle for anythig new.} Stop life--If you desire a life with pop,} Maybe you should consider making it stop.}} Fer shure, fer shure. What it is!

> Oh most great, wise, and magnificent Oracle, I kneel> before you and humbly beseech an answer to my> question.>> I've seen several links on the World Wide Web which> purport to go to nude pictures of Marina Sirtis. But> none of them seem to work. Why is this?

} Oh, they work just fine. What you are seeing is, as you said, a nude} picture. It's not Marina that's nude, it's the picture. The picture} has nothing on. And that's what you see. Nothing.}} Did you happen to notice the clever links those pictures have that} connect your bank account to mine? Every time you click on one, you} automatically send me another $13.45, plus tax. Neat, huh?}} You don't owe the Oracle anything. Just keep clickin'!

} You're supposed to give them candy and a calendar. The candy is for} Halloween, while the calendar is to show them that they're a few days} off the mark.}} You owe the Oracle some individually wrapped pretzels.

} Fairly compact grovel there, suplicant. Nevertheless, benevolence is a} virtue. There are several popular sci-fi variants, you would be pretty} smart to invent something different, so I suggest you use one of these} tried and tested formulas. Points are awarded for 'Screenplayability'} (SPA), I take it you will wish your book to be made into a movie,} and will need some pointer about which way to go.}} 1) A series of naval style missions aboard a spaceship that is named} and operated like a boat. For: Get the mix of social stereotypes right} and you've got a winner formula here. Nothing beats simplistic human} relation issues than a U-boat style drama, with people crammed into} 3 rooms of a 150 deck spaceship bigger than Rhode Island. Against:} Long term success can ultimately be your downfall. The actors chosen} for your Movies will eventually get all wrinkly and start bulging} out of their lycra shirts. SPA: 9/10. Can be filmed on three sets} (eg Bridge, Sick bay and Transporter room) a polystyrene cave may} also prove useful.}} 2) Sci-fi being comes back from future to terrify specific present} day people for things they haven't done yet. For: Your 'future'} being can be made pretty exciting and scary since he is surrounded,} not by his exiting and scary contemporaries but, by nerdy humans.} Against: Your readers will need advanced boolean algebra to be able to} understand the plot. They will then be able to conclude that the plot} is in fact impossible. SPA: 7/10 Impossibility is not an issue with} most punters wishing to part with ?4.00/$7.00 for a high body count.} But this will not be a cheap movie to make, especially if you ever get} to a sequel where movie go-ers will expect even more lavish special} effects - like a robot made from silver snot.}} 3) Stranded alien left on Earth. For: There is incredible scope} here for a stonking good story. The alien's search for its departed} comrades, the psycholological effect of being marooned lightyears} from your home planet and family, the fact that the alien can only} survive by eating warm human flesh, the alien's ability to mate with} other species and create vicious hybrids, the skill of the alien to} manufacture a communication station to contact his home planet and} summon an invasion, etc. etc. Against: You could really shit-out with} a bald midget in the closet. SPA: 3/10 if you go for the bald midget.} A higher score could be had by going for the body-count option.}} 4) Teleportation drama, where inventor is inadvertantly combined} with something else. For: Spooky stuff. Lots of computers.} Physical degredation of two beings into one. Lots of scope for} fruitcake personalities. Against: Must chose the combining parties} with some care. Insects or mammals are good. An anchovie doesn't make} for a good drama (Man slowly becomes more salty to the taste and ends} up on a pizza) SPA: 8/10 Cheapish sets (cellar, two 'phone boxes,} yellow vomit). Cheap co-actors (fly or similar). Scope for satire} (Man combines with pixie - turns into Michael Jackson)}} 5) Future shock. Earth in near future where andriods are hunted by} present-day-style cops. For: Loads of scope for social issues,} man-hunting, man vs machine, lonely cop stuff, romance with sexy} android (who doesn't know she's an android - (hey, :-) aren't all} chicks androids!)) Against: High intellect of reader required, it's} easy to get lost in this one. SPA: 9/10 Near future means standard} sets and plenty of rain. You'll end up having to dub on a narrative} 'cos nobody understands it first time around.}} 6) Distant future, intergalactig struggle between good and evil. For:} Epic tale to be told here. Bunch of stereotypes again (including a} camp robot and a walking carpet). Makes for good swashbuckling stuff.} Make sure good triumphs over evil - right kids? A Universe full of} sequels available. Against: Not a lot. Keep the body count reasonable,} or you might preclude the box-office from admitting a proportion of the} population - and with this formula, you're going for 100% attendance.} SPA: 10/10. Get ready to spend some serious cash. Inventing light-speed} space travel and actually going there to film it might be cheaper.}} 7) Present day kid marooned in recent past, tries to get back to} present day. For: The usual time travel stuff. Nostalgia for '50s} America will work well (and will even export sucessfully to Britain,} beats me!). Against: Don't use a Delorean. This plot is also defeated} by logic. SPA: 7/10. Film studios around the world are crammed with} props for '50s America, keep costs down by choosing a Delorean.}} 8) Friendly aliens come to visit present day people. Some people} are strangely drawn to the landing site, which they have previously} modelled in mashed potato. For: Use the 'present day' get out again.} Against: No possibility of a body count. It's too nice. You don't} actually see any aliens, which is strange for an alien story.} SPA 6/10. Contemporary sets, flashing lights, and a trombone.} Silhouetted alien at the end is all you need. Box office success for} this movie will be stranger than the story itself.}} Distant future swashbuckling is the sensible way forward. Phone the} bank and ask for a $100m advance. If you manage to get Carrie Fisher's} phone number, I'd be most interested.}} You owe the Oracle Carrie Fisher's phone number.

} The Oracle has concluded that the world is, in fact, composed almost} entirely of Spam. This fact was discovered quite recently, when the} amount of Spam in the world became so great that it began oozing out of} the crust of the earth, where it had been hidden safely away from human} eyes, and onto Usenet, corrupting everything that it touched. This} Spam is what has given rise to cynicism, criticism, and mysticism -} however, the truly wise know that at the root of all, underneath} everything, there is and always shall be Spam.}} Cynicism: Spam happens. Spam always will happen. Deal with it.} Criticism: Spam happens. That sucks. Mailbomb the Spam King.} Mysticism: Spam happens. All hail wise and merciful and mysterious} Spam.}} You owe the Oracle a Nobel Prize.

} Study Calculus --> Good college} Good College --> Good degree} Good Degree --> Good job} Good Job --> Fast Internet connection and lots of free time} Fast Internet connection and lots of free time --> Submit questions to} The Usenet Oracle} Submit questions to The Usenet Oracle --> "What is the point of} calculus?"}} So the point of calculus is so you can ask me what the point of} calculus is.}} You owe the Oracle a pair of recursive jeans.

} The wind blows, the trees sway, the leaves flutter. A breeze, you say?} What is surging deep below the caldron of earth's surface? Boiling,} bubbling, brewing, melting, synthesis of unanticipated dreams. You want} to be confused, humble one? You are gently, prettily confused. Dig a} little deeper. It is as clear as smoke.

} You call those lyrics? C'mon, Brad, get with it!}} And that band of yours, Crash Test Dummies? What kind of name is that?}} I say get rid of the "n"s, most of the "m"s, and the punctuation. That} leaves you with:}} mmm mmm mmm mmm}} Now *that's* a hit song if I ever heard one! As for the band name,} you're on your own.}} You owe the Oracle a good shaking and lurching all over the temple} floor.

> Or wise and wonderous oracle, who knows all, sees all, and uses All to> get the stains out, I beg you to tell me:>> Is it really love that makes the world go round, or as I have recently> been told, is it angular momentum?

} Neither, my poor, poor misguided child. It is, unfortunately, an} enormous fungi which lies just below the surface of the majority of} the Western World. This monstrous bracken acts much like an off-center} weight upon a pendulum, pulling us in an erratic parabola which is then} transformed into a circular motion by the vibration of millions of} American feet, running from the once-noble party of Democratus to the} acknowledged Master of Spin, Conservatius. It is predicted that such} forces will continue on into the future for as long as Man can ignobly} jump horse amidstream, and act as though they have supported the} winning side all along: in short, eternally.}} If it is any consolation, the Giant Bracken loves us.}} You owe the Oracle the instigation of a decent, non-egocentrical} popular movement.