kinda, maybe, sorta

I was supposed to go to sleep at least an hour ago so I could get a solid eight hours of subconscious preparation for being practical and smart, as we have an escape room to do tomorrow, and I have a reputation to uphold.

I was also supposed to start eating healthily, because circus training has started up again, and also it’s 2016, and abs.

In the base of a stand mixer fitted with a dough hook, combine the water, sugar and yeast. Let sit for about ten minutes, until foamy. In the meantime, weigh out the rest of your ingredients.
Add the flour and melted butter to the bowl. Mix on low speed until combined, and then knead on medium for another five or so minutes, until the dough has formed a ball and doesn’t stick to the sides of the bowl.
Pull out the dough, lightly oil the bowl, and put the dough back. Cover with saran wrap and let sit somewhere warm until doubled in size, about an hour.
Preheat the oven to 450 degrees Fahrenheit. In a large saucepan, bring the water and baking soda to a boil. Line a baking sheet (or two) with lightly oiled parchment paper.
Divide the dough into eight roughly equal pieces (or less if you want larger pretzels). Use your hands, forearms, elbows and the countertop to haphazardly swing and roll and poke the dough into a long rope. Make a pretzel shape, wrap around pepperoni stick halves, and place on the baking sheet.One at a time, boil the pretzels for thirty seconds. Remove them from the water with a large pancake-flipper-style spatula, and place them back on the baking sheet.
Brush each pretzel with yolk mixture (or almond milk) and sprinkle with salt. Bake for 10 to 12 minutes, or until they’re a dark golden brown.