Celebrate International Women’s Day With The Comforting Thought of Donald Trump’s Penis

I have a great respect for women. Women love me and I love women. Boy, you know I love women. They make up half the country and that’s tremendous. The fact that they can even vote? I mean, wow. I’ve worked with a lot of women and worked on a lot of women – if you catch my drift. My Trump Cologne has seduced hundreds of thousands of women across the world, so it’s no secret that they see me as the most seductive candidate.

It should really come to no surprise that Little Marco is trying to tear down my image to make me look like less of a man. I mean – small hands? Really? The things these hands have done. Really. I’ve received thank you notes. In fact, I gave Carson the idea to call his book Gifted Hands while discussing my own exploits. These “small hands” are blessing.

But let’s move on from that, because everyone has been asking about the real star of the show, The Apprentice, my penis. It’s god’s gift to women, really, it is a piece of anatomy no mechanical device could hope to replicate. To lay eyes upon it is to look upon the face of god. And I’m not saying I am god or that my penis is god, but that as president, women would view it as their god. Believe me, I have every intension of converting the Washington Monument into a scale replica, for which women will make a pilgrimage to grind upon.

That’s the truth of the future, women will be able to view my penis anytime. Anytime. And of course, I plan to make great strides for women’s equality. Equal pay? Honey, if you get to be CEO you can get paid whatever you want. Fiorina did it, and she had the face of an off brand latex halloween mask worn inside out for the purpose of getting away with murder. Plus, women, they’re always burning their bras! Burning their bras? Are you serious? Alright then I won’t make them wear bras. Women don’t have to wear anything when I’m around, they don’t want to. All I ask is that you send those discarded clothing items to Rosie O’Donnell, maybe she can sew them into something that fits.