Why is the 50/50 Relationship So Unhealthy?

Ryan Hall shares how he changed his relationship with himself and that changed his relationships

I’m approaching a significant milestone in my life. The weekend of January 21st marks my graduation from Accomplishment Coaching’s coach training program. A journey that I started last February is about to come to an end.

I’d like to devote this space over the next two weeks to my personal evolution and to the breakthroughs and lessons learned.

This week I’d like to speak about the biggest breakthrough I’ve had over the course of this program.

It’s story time with Coach Ryan:

Her name was Abigail…

I mean, it wasn’t Abigail. I’m changing her name to protect her and me. She probably wouldn’t be crazy about my writing about this anyway.

Abigail was what I thought I wanted in a woman. Like, all of what I wanted in a woman. She was brilliant, elegant, drop dead gorgeous, and we even had similar tastes in music.

But I was blind to the signs. I was blind to the red flags. I didn’t want to see them. I thought I couldn’t do any better.

Soon I was hit with a cold, hard dose of truth when I found out the real story about her “friend.” The friend, with whom she flew off to New York for a “songwriting weekend.” This guy was a songwriter of some flavor. (I mean, I know what he wrote. I just don’t want to dignify it.)

Can you tell I’m still a little salty about this? Okay, moving on…

After I found out the truth, my mind immediately went to a place of “What do I have to do to keep her?”

I started working harder than I have ever before. And as a result of my hard work, she started running further and farther away. The harder I tried, the faster she ran.

Since February I have developed relationships with people based on two factors: both parties come in to the relationship being 100% themselves and 100% responsible for what’s going on.

See, I used to think relationships were 50/50. And when one side starts taking less responsibility for their side, I take on more to keep the relationship alive. Granted, this was more life support for these relationships, but still.

To be honest, I believe my relationship with Abigail was probably 80/20 or more.

The relationship was alive, but barely clinging on to life. Where’s the quality of life there?

I’m not speaking of romantic relationships only. But if you’re in relationship with someone, you’re in relationship with someone. There are different outcomes with romantic and non-romantic relationships, but the process is the same.

For example, I had a phone call this past weekend with my coaching teammate and dear friend Mercy. Our relationship has evolved over the course of the year to a point where there’s trust, love, and a mutual understanding.

The phone call was to support Mercy in something. I supported her on her situation and she supported me in my moving project. It sourced us both and propelled me forward in the course of my day.

Relationships should bring out the best in people. Business relationships, personal relationships, romantic relationships, and your relationship with yourself – they should be healthy and beneficial for all.

Consider this; all I have to do is to show up, be my highest self, and I can be accepted in relationships with amazing people. What are the odds?

I’m not an expert. Lord knows I’m not an expert. I’m in process. But this has been without a doubt the biggest breakthrough I’ve had in my time in coach training. And I would love nothing more than to support you in transforming how you’re being in relationships.

The first place to start transforming how you relate to other people, is to transform how you relate to yourself. If the relationship you have with yourself is solid, then you can show up 100% yourself and 100% responsible. And y’know what, showing up that way transforms how you handle relationships in every way.

In this space next week, I am going to share my lessons learned from my year of transformation and coach training. That’s a must read!

About Ryan Hall

Ryan is a novelist and life/creativity coach. He works with creative powerhouses who want to kick their lives and projects into high gear, so they can set the world on fire with their brilliance. For more information on his books and Team Ryan Coaching, visit team-ryan.team.