Thursday, February 17, 2011

Welcome to another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.* Fake Ari will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2. And who knows? One of these daysCAAmight just hire him as a floater. If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to TempX@tempdiaries.com.

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting. Please don't sue me.

Professional Combover: Do not attempt

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I recently moved to LA after graduating college. Then, all of a sudden, BAM! My hair is thinning and noticeably so. I want to take it like a man and shave it, but I'm worried that in our superficial "home" we call Hollywood, my chances of breaking into that first studio or agency gig will be obliterated. What do you think - can young guys make it in the business rocking it Yul Brynner style, or should we hide from our misfortunes under a piece?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Listen jerkoff, this isn't my first go 'round at the bullshit rodeo. There's no way someone who just graduated from college makes a Yul Brynner reference...unless you're 50. And if that's the case, you might as well move right now because you as unhireable as Mary Kay Letourneau is at Fairfax High School. But let's assume you're actually in your early 20s. If that's the case, use what's left of your rapidly depleting follicles to your advantage. Lie on your your resume and say you were a Co-EP on According to Jim. HR will have to believe you because 1) you look older and more distinguished and 2) no one is dumb enough to lie about working on a show that bad.

If you decide to lop off your luscious locks, you'll be a shoo-in at ICM. They have more shaved heads per capita then the NBA. Plus they're a second tier agency, which is perfect for you.

Pennsylvania 6-5000 please.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I've submitted my resume to most of the temp agencies you list on your blog (per their websites' instructions). I have almost 5 years experience in the industry in all types of positions (including executive support and coordinating) and am very qualified, but I haven't gotten any responses. Do you think it could be more effective to call them instead?

Temps are the lowest life form in Hollywood. They are lower than assistants. Lower than those in the mail room. Lower than everyone. Why? Because they are completely disposable. You don't like the temp. Get a new one. (Oh and we don't get health insurance, paid vacation, 401k, etc.) I am one of those barnacles on the hull of the good ship "Hollywood." These are my stories.