I made a realization in therapy today. I realized that my body image issues stem from the fear that unless I am absolutely perfect then I will be betrayed. I am afraid that if I'm not perfect then any woman I end up with will eventually find someone else whom she is more attracted to physically, lie to me about her feelings, end up cheating on and then leaving me for him. Or she may end up developing an emotional romantic connection with someone else, lie to me about her feelings and leave me for him. And, even if she doesn't leave me for him and instead stays with me despite her feelings I still can't stand the thought of that type of betrayal. It's like I feel that if that were to happen then that's it. That's the nail in the coffin. It's like everything sold to me through the cuckold porn that I used to watch was true. That you have to be ripped or look like a male model in order to be attractive or even loved. I really don't know if I'd have the strength to continue if that happened.

My therapist was glad that this came up. He said that now that this is present we can start to work through it. He said that no one can guarantee that that will not happen. The only way we can have complete security is if we don't need someone, which he said is even a paradox (though I can't remember what is explanation on that was). But, he said it it's as if someone asked you to go for a walk through the most beautiful forest and you said "I don't want to go, because you can't guarantee me that I won't trip and cut myself". Though, to me this wound seems bigger than a cut. He asked me if the fear so powerful that I was going to allow myself to be defeated and give into the messages of the cuckold porn. I told him I didn't want to. I didn't say this to him, but it would seem like it would be a complete justification of the idea that I am completely worthless. Though, he did say that no one person defines any of us. He said that he thinks that the blueprint I've gotten that betrayal is something I deserve is one that I am rebelling against which is good, but it's one that I'm defining myself by, and I need to use it to refine myself by.

Anyway, I know this message probably seemed pretty negative. I just thought that this realization was probably a big step since it now frees me to deal with it and help me in the process of healing.

To be honest, I guess I'm also looking for some words of encouragement, because I could use help getting out of this mindset that any of this is true.

look around you. how many of the guys that are actually in relationships are as perfect as you are idealizing as the only acceptable level of appearance? precious few. i have known totally average-looking guys that are with amazing girls - and it works because they are not basing the whole thing on something as shallow as the outside appearance.

women are far less influenced by appearance than men are. and when a relationship fails - it is seldom because someone better looking comes along. it is nearly always some problem with communication or expectations or personalities or lack of respect/consideration, etc.

you have bought into a BIG lie - that you will never be good enough. any woman who would judge on the standards you are assuming isn't someone you'd want to spend your life with anyway.

you need to spend more time on your self-esteem - and less obsessing about your looks. i bet you are fine the way you are - to the right person.

Lee

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"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"

I agree with traveler - I don't think women are nearly as focused on appearance as men are. Heck, I'm pretty average at best - skinny and with no hair - and I have an awesome girl who seems to be madly in love with me... I don't get it, to be honest, but hey, obviously she's decided that I'm good enough for her!

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I guess what I'm trying to sayIs whose life is it anyway because livin'Living is the best revengeYou can play-- Def Leppard

i just wanted her to hear me, you know? to encourage me. but the fact is, how i felt about myself had little to do with what I looked like and more about the lens i was looking through. i dealt with this exact issue, self-image. as i started to get deeper and more open into therapy, it hit me. I'm 31 and a handsome guy. happened as a i got out of the shower one day and i saw a reflection in the mirror i hadn't seen before, the real me, grown up.

continue to feel and journal and be angry and anxious and overwhelmed. work it out brother, i know i've been there. it's not easy, but you're on the right path. at the very least, just know you're on the right path your discoveries will be your own, but i suspect your body image issue will unlock a deeper held belief (a lie) about yourself. one that says you are not good looking, unworthy, undesirable. see, that's just totally untrue. all we have are character and honesty... that's what good women are drawn to

keep it up man!

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May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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