Sunday, 28 July 2013

Footballers earn lots of money and some of them spend it on things like prostitutes, super injunctions and wine. They also spend it on other things too! Now I know what you're thinking, "I wonder what cars Premier League footballers drive" and luckily for you you're going to find out with an infographic that is in no way only here for monetary gain. I just really care about cars, as you'll know from all the car related articles I've done in the past. If there was one thing in life that I wanted to know more about, it's how cars work, why they cost so much and why we don't have flying ones yet.

Even more fascinating is thinking that if you have almost unlimited money, what car do you buy? Personally I'd like one that talks, not like Brum, because Brum sucks and not like Knightrider because then I'd have to go on missions and stuff, which would require effort. Definitely something that isn't talking to me like sat navs or Siri though, I hate that guy.

Did Brum talk? Is this 150 words yet? Yes. Yes I think it is but of course that is only relevant to me for making sure this is easily readable for you, our loyal fans.

I'm going to have to call shenanigans on Thierry Henry driving a £60,000 woman's car because wtf is he playing at and of course Ashley Cole just has to have one with wings. See, there's your flying car I was talking about - I just didn't know they existed, although I do think it's strange that he'd have to fly around with no door to shut. Maybe the doors aren't there so he can fire bazookas at people, or maybe even air rifles since he likes doing that. Maybe I'm just talking bollocks but the only person who can know for sure is Jesus, because he knows everything. It says so in a book and as we all know, books cannot lie.

Look at that, a hilarious take on the Proclaimers' international hit "500 miles". Some idiot decided to walk 600 miles from Bosnia to Munich.

There he is, that is Vahid Cehaja who walked from his homeland all the way to the Allianz Arena, to pay tribute to his favourite team. They probably didn't let him in the stadium, since he sounds like a complete mentalist. Apparently three years ago he said "I will walk all the way to Munich if we win the Champs League". I'm assuming he was pissed. That sounds like the sort of nonsense I come out with when I'm hammered.

It took 42 days for him to complete his walk, which is equal to about 14 miles a day. It doesn't sound that impressive really. I probably clock that up walking around Tesco. He arrived in Munich on Wednesday, so he probably stuck around in Munich long enough to see his team lose to Dortmund in the German Super Cup, which makes me laugh. I think that's called schadenfreude.

Everyone has done stupid things in support of their team. I once queued overnight to get tickets for Aberdeen against Atletico Madrid, me and two mates actually slept in the Richard Donald stand. I say slept. I didn't have a sleeping bag so sat on a shitty wooden stool all night drinking awful beer to try and ignore the hypothermia setting in. The next morning the ticket stalls opened and BOOM! I got my ticket, as did the 1000s of people who just showed up at 8am like normal human beings.

Celtic fans are the self-titled best fans in the world - along with Liverpool fans of course. You see they love each other because they sing the same song or something like that. UEFA are investigating Celtic again over their fans overzealous supporting of their team.

Apparently the "Green Brigade", which is like the Boys Brigade but with fireworks, have been told to stop mock-fighting or "moshing", body surfing and setting off fireworks. Basically things that you do at early 90s hardcore-punk gigs...with fireworks- are apparently not allowed at football matches. Who knew?

During their Champions League Qualifier against Cliftonville Richard, the overexcited and most likely drunk Celtic fans damaged 131 seats and refused to follow instructions from the stewards. In fairness, stewards are massive nerds. I can't take the actions of people who would rather wear a high-vis and stare at a crowd of strangers for 90 minutes, rather than watch a game of football seriously. Despite this, UEFA are hella pissed off.

The club have said if fans don't toe the line, they are not scared to close Section 111 if they have to. Meaning the Green Brigade will have to go all the way to section 112 if they want to watch their team in the future. Section 111 sounds like a really shit film and almost certainly stars Jason Stratham. "Critics call it explosive, a non-stop thrill ride and in no way unoriginal or aimed at 12-year old males, whose testicles haven't dropped yet - Section 111: out September 3rd".

Real Madrid's personal newspaper Marca has been planting a bunch of propaganda this week to try and sell some more copies. The most popular story of the year appears to be that Gareth Bale is moving to the Spanish capital. But he isn't sooooo

The Welshman is the subject of a €100million bid this weekend, which translates to about £85million-ish I think, making him worth more than Ronaldo and the entire country of Wales. The Marca reports this week have said things like "Levy promised me if we didn't get in the champs league he'd let me go if a big team bid for me waaaaah I wanna go to madrid waaaaaaaah" and the actual Gareth Bale quotes are "I like being at Spurs, it is nice, I have just had a child and don't want to fanny around in Spain where it will catch fire in the sun".

So what will happen is he'll stay at Spurs another year, they won't make Champs League fitba and then he'll move for about £60million next summer. NEW BALLS PLEASE

The Valencia president is all excited today because he's just made €30million for star striker Roberto Soldado. Spurs are paying them all of the money

It's a lot of money for a player untested in the Premier League but having scored 26 goals last season you'd assume that he might be alright. I guess he can't be any worse than Adebayor is most of the time either but at the age of 28, that's a lot of cash. The transfer threatened to be one of those 'ongoing' sagas until the incredibly devious Franco Baldini just decided that he'd pay Valencia whatever the fuck they want for him. Baldini is of course the man behind Real Madrid's Galactico transfer plan, which worked quite well, if hundreds of millions of euros of debt is something that you think is good. It's not by the way

Leighton Baines seems like he might be one of the only footballers in the world who you could actually chat to like a human, and here is a video of him giving some Everton fans a lift to a game at Ewood Park. DELIGHTFUL

I can't make out a single fucking word in this video but since it's a car full of people from Liverpool I'm going to assume that they're talking about The Beatles and how many hubcaps they acquired over the weekend. That accent sounds like the noise someone makes after they've had an accident on a building site, or if someone was punching kermit the frog to death while going very fast on a skateboard

Zlatan Ibrahimovic revealed his sex dungeon costume that he wears beneath his PSG shirt yesterday and it looks like this

Now don't go telling me you wouldn't let this guy do you. He's pretty much like that warrior guy in Game of Thrones that rapes that other guys sister in the first or second episode - you don't want it to happen but once it does you're pretty pleased and then you want to think of ways to please Zlatan like bringing him orange juice in the morning or not moaning when I want to play football manager all day ffs

It's a fairly eclectic list especially for someone who is only 22. I'm nearly 28 now and I still haven't done several of those things. I particularly like the way that I think the last letter is either an S or something that resembles an R, presumably because the tattoo guy forgot how to spell his name and Nile wasn't sure either. Maybe it was a girl tattooing him and he tried to sexually assault her? Who knows.

The incredibly sexual Pep Guardiola got his competitive Bayern Munich career off to a bad start by losing to Borussia Dortmund in the German Supercup. Huzzah!

You kinda have to feel sorry for Dortmund here because all the papers have reported that Bayern lost rather than Dortmund won and that's not really very fair. If ever you wanted proof that the media favours the bigger clubs I guess this is pretty good. That's like when the press report something like 'man arrested for nudity in a school playground' when really the focus should have been on the great charity work I was doing at the time.

Thursday, 25 July 2013

Rangers were doing some preseason training the other day when some lightning struck the pitch they were on. You'll be pleased to know that no one was injured. Well, you might be.

The Nordic God of Thunder was unable to end Rangers as a club just like the Nordic God of the taxman, who tried very hard. Although technically the new Rangers are not the same as the old, even trying to wind people up about that has become very tiresome already and most of us from Scotland have just accepted that Rangers are always going to have to be around somewhere, like the sharp bit on the end of my radiator that I always catch my tshirts on, or a venereal disease.

Arsenal submitted a £40million and £1 bid for Luis Suarez this week to trigger a clause in his contract that means he is allowed to speak to other clubs about playing for them. Liverpool owner John Henry put on his funny glasses

What do you think they're smoking over there at Emirates? I think they are smoking a cigar because they qualified for the Champions League and don't live in an area where car thefts per night outnumber the amount of people who gain school qualifications. It could also be to celebrate that their captain didn't batter a DJ because he wouldn't put on his iPod or it could be because this incredibly devious plan actually worked.

Suarez is now entitled to talk to Wenger and listen about all the great books he's read that week or the documentary on Hiroshima on Netflix, or whatever it is he speaks about and Liverpool can't really do anything about it. They want £50million for him now, but much like the scene in Peep Show where Mark tries to buy his phone back, that figure could in theory just keep increasing until deadline day when the Anfield club suddenly realises that they still haven't sold him and they can't afford not to.

That's actually probably Wenger's plan because who wants to buy a racist for £50million? He should be in that section of Tesco where the tins have a massive dent in them except instead of a dent the soup doesn't trust gangs of black youths

Tito Vilanova has had to leave his very lovely job in charge of Barcelona to fight the cancer dragon and since this isn't his fault the club have apparently decided to pay him a full head coach's wage until next season since that was his contract.

That's a pretty cool thing to do tbf. If Tito wasn't so ill he would be hoping to lead the club to more success this season but at least now he won't have to worry quite so much about where the next massive pay cheque is coming from because he gets paid shit loads to sit at home in his pants and play football manager and drink beer all day. This sounds pretty good actually. Someone remind me what the bad things about cancer are again? Other than dying I mean

Wolves striker Leigh Griffiths is in trouble for allegedly trying to steal some juice from Tesco and then fighting the staff member that tried to stop him. You stay classy.

The former Hibs player has been charged with theft, breach of the peace, and assault which coincidentally were also my favourite of the missing 7 dwarves. Or the 10 dwarves I guess. Regardless this is the real life news quote:

It is alleged that on January 26 this year at the Tesco Store in Meadow Place Road, Edinburgh, he stole a quantity of water and juice; shouted, swore and threw items of liquid to the floor; and assaulted an employee in the store, by struggling with him and attempting to punch him on the body.

In terms of bellends, Griffiths ranks right up the top in the bellend section, on the helmet sofa. When he enters a room the average IQ goes down. It's really annoying that he's actually a very good footballer but I bet in about 10 years he'll be on TV and say "ho ho ho what a renegade I was! Oh I was so silly back then wasn't I? lololol luckily I'm all sensible and have kids now" when in actual fact he should probably be in jail.

It's like those dudes in gangs in America who when they reach 40 and just cannot be arsed fighting random other people from a few streets down decide to start programs to help mislead kids. Sorry mate, but you still stabbed someone soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo no dice

Fabricio Coloccini took time off from Newcastle's busy pre-season to strangle a teenager. He was then sent off

Coloccini lost his shit towards the end of the first half in a pre-season friendly somewhere in Portugal. The match was littered with poor challenges and general ill feeling until Captain Fab finally snapped and tried to remove this guy's head. Reports that he yelled 'KALIMBAH' while he did it are false, because I made them up

Papiss Cisse has gone to extreme lengths to avoid playing for Newcastle again, stating that the Wonga sponsorship deal is against his religion. That's the same religion that outlaws gambling.

That's a picture of Cisse taken by a fan who alleges that the striker was playing £5 and £10 bets at the Blackjack table and was very nice. The Casino, when asked, also said that he was a recurring customer of theirs but that they couldn't possibly reveal what games he plays because that's against policy. It's very convenient because I tried to phone Mohammed and he said he couldn't comment on it either because he was the janitor, not a religious prophet and that I should stop phoning him while I was at work because he was busy. Well I'm sorry, if you're in the phone book I'm pretty sure that means it's real. I'm on to you... the janitor.

Cristiano Ronaldo and Real Madrid entertained Bournemouth fans the other day by beating their team 6-0. Unfortunately the game was so easy that Ronaldo got bored and attacked a child with the football

One of the Portugal forward's powerhouse freekicks dipped over the bar and directly onto this guy's wrist, breaking it in two places. Charlie Silverwood will now forever remember Ronaldo thanks to the signed Real shirt he was given by way of apology. I can relate because I was once at a Scottish Cup semi final when Aberdeen's Cato Guntveit hit a free kick into my face accidentally but instead of giving me a free shirt, my girlfriend left me and now I am all alone forever

Tuesday, 23 July 2013

The line I'm referring to is of course from Peter Cooke and Dudley Moore's sketch about Thunderbirds, which is infinitely more interesting than this bullshit story

Moyes just sat in his press conference and said 'yeh well we've bid for him but they've said no so I'm just kinda like maaaaaan I dunno'. He's like the stoner kid at a school disco. No-one really wants to hang out with him because he looks a bit mental, the girls don't want to do him yet until he doesn't look like he's wearing his clothes as a costume and he smells like he lives in the garden. But apart from the no trophies he's won at any club, he's definitely going to be a great manager for Manchester United so well done guys

Michel Platini is laying the absolute smack down in France at the moment as he lambasts

YES

LAMBASTS MOTHER FUCKER

clubs like PSG and Monaco for ruining everything

The former French legend said this:

"If the Italians had spent so much this summer, the French would have been talking about Financial Fair Play all the time," Platini was quoted as saying by Gazzetta dello Sport."

These rules were unanimously approved by all clubs, politicians, judges and the European Union.

There's no going back from here on. FFP is a hard rule for any team, regardless of whether we're talking about PSG, Juventus, or any other team."I have spoken with directors from all clubs.

They have all stressed that they would follow the new rules. It seems that some worry a bit more about FFP than others, though.

So yeh, take that billionaires. I would be totally with him too if it weren't for the fact that the rules he made are his own, so no one has bothered to listen and only he seems to really be trying to fix it. Sort of like how in Greece everyone smokes everywhere or in America everyone drinks and drives or how according to the Daily Mail all of the brown people are going to rob me at some point.

My favourite true rumour about PSG is that when told that Barcelona were planning to bid for Thiago Silva, their main man replied 'if you fucking dare I will activate Messi's release clause (£330m)' and so they didn't bother. I can't think of an analogy for this right now but let's just say the cat definitely got his cream. If by cream you mean GINGIVITUS

Colombian heart beast, Falcao, may be pulling 'a Nigerian' according to some document from his old school that alleges he is actually two years older than he says. SCANDAL

The Monaco striker (lol) claims to have been born in 1986 but might actually have been born in George Orwell's favourite book - Harry Potter and the prisoner of Azkaban.

I don't really know what to make of this because either Falcao is lying, someone got his date of birth wrong and he's just lost two years of his life, or someone lazy at a Colombian school forgot to cross check what year he was born. OR it's just a bunch of numbers for his social security or something and we're reading too much into this.

OR someone has just made this up, but thankfully the source is the internet and everything on there is true. Why only the other day a very pretty local from my area just randomnly started chatting to me and she totally wanted to have sex. I was too nervous though so I didn't reply

The tragic tale of Tito Vilanova has been replaced with the exciting one as some guy from Argentina has just been appointed as their new manager.

Geraldo 'Tata' Martino could honestly be their janitor for all I've heard of him but apparently he has managed Newell's Old Boys and Paraguay before so maybe he's alright. According to some guy on the internet I know he's good at tactics and likes his teams to press up high, plus he played one season at Barcelona and is friends with Messi.

Newell's Old Boys are not be confused with Mike Newell's Old Boys, who are terrible. They are also not to be confused with Newell's Young Boys who make shoes for Primark and are molested at night. By Mike Newell

Sunday, 21 July 2013

There are more rumours in the papers today that Man United have offered £30million plus some other stuff for Cesc Fabregas and I'd just like to point out that it is utter bollocks and never going to happen. WITH BULLET POINTS SO YOU KNOW I'M CORRECT

Reason number 1: He plays for Barcelona

Barcelona is in Spain, which is sunny and nice, and not miserable and shit like Manchester and he has supported the club for all of his life. This is like if you really wanted the Ghostbusters HQ for years and years and years and then one day you get it, and although you sometimes have to let your older friends play with it until you get a shot, when you do it's absolutely magic, and then David Moyes phones you up and asks if you want to play Turtles in Time on the SNES. I mean sure it's a great game but.... I have the Ghostbusters HQ

Reason number 2: Barcelona just sold Thiago and kinda need him

Because Pep Guardiola has a master plan to buy every single good midfield player in the world and then have them sit on a bench, Barca have sold Thiago for £30million or something close to Bayern. This leaves them fairly short on world class midfielders and with Xavi getting on a bit and the club currently managerless, it wouldn't make very much sense. Unless somehow it does make sense in which case ignore this point

Reason number 3: Arsenal have first refusal

I'm sure I read somewhere that Barcelona still owe Arsenal about £10million from the transfer and so since the club also has first refusal on the player, if United did make a successful bid, Arsene Wenger would just under cut it and bring the player back to London and London is ace. It might be far too expensive to drink alcohol in pubs but a player as sneaky as Cesc surely wouldn't mind sitting on the street with a red stripe until he's pissed enough to justify one pint for an hour. Also he probably has friends in London

Reason number 4: Space Lions

As we all know, space lions have been investing heavily in property on earth for a number of years now in a bid to raise prices and collect the profit. Cesc Fabregas has been accurately chosen to represent earth as one of its most erotic inhabitants so if he were to move to Manchester United then he would have to relocate his entire lazer defence team from Barcelona and that would take upwards of four days, which absolutely no-one can be fannied with.

Reason number 5: wasps
Cesc has been reading the BBC news page recently and that article on how there are no wasps right now is great, but the fact that by the end of the summer there might be loads of the assholes everywhere has put him off returning to England. I would be fucking glad if they go extinct, I honestly can see no use for them at all. They don't pollinate stuff, they sting you for no reason, they walk all over your jam and they look absolutely terrifying. If you're ever talking to someone who says 'god has his reasons' tell them the story about that wasp which lays its eggs INSIDE some other insect and then the young eat their way out of the creature, and ask them 'what is his reason for that? Is his reason that he is a cunt?'

So yeh I really hope wasps don't come back. A wasp comeback tour would be only slightly less popular than if Hear Say were to reform

Pepe Reina has fallen out with Brendan Rodgers according to some newspapers and that is why the goalkeeper has been sent to live with his Dad in Italy.

Rafa Benitez is the boss at Napoli and he is set to welcome the Spanish keeper for a year on loan while that guy Mignolet becomes the new number one at Anfield. It's actually probably a pretty smart move because if Mignolet turns out to be shit or gets injured then Pepe can just be recalled and forced to play, and last year he was making mistakes all over the place. It's true that keepers can make one mistake and they get done for it, but it's not as if that's the only profession where that's the case. If you were a surgeon and removed someone's penis instead of appendix, you'd also get in a bunch of trouble. And if you're not even a surgeon in the first place, or authorised to be anywhere near a hospital at all, then boy, let me tell you do people get mad

Tito Vilanova resigned as Barcelona manager on Friday because he has all of the cancer. It really sucks.

Tito's tale is rather a sad one since he waited so long in the wing of Pep Guardiola to finally take over one of the greatest club sides of recent memory, and maybe ever, to be halted in his path to glory by cancer. Having already undergone treatment twice before, it was thought Tito was clear to live life without having to worry about dying at any minute but now he's had to step down to focus on staying alive.

"With the treatments I must follow from now on, I cannot devote 100% to the tasks of head coach,"

The only shining light I can see from this situation is that at least he can now sit back in his winnebago in the New Mexico sun and cook crystal meth to his hearts content. Or whatever the fuck it is that they've been feeding Messi

Stoke City have announced plans to completely fund travel to all 19 of their away games this season by providing transport. Good guys!

Nick Hancock! Where did he go? Regardless, this is a pretty cool move by the club and is one funded by all the lovely new money that's come in from renewed TV deals. Some guy who is on the board said:

"We were looking at this around a year ago, looking at what we could do to keep football as affordable as possible,"

"Our home match tickets haven't gone up for the last five years but everyone knows following their team away from home can be expensive.

"With the new broadcasting deals that came in, that arguably gave us the opportunity to do something and spend a little bit of money back on the supporters."

Keeping football affordable is a great idea since it means people actually go to games rather than watching it for free in a pub where you can drink, hang out with friends and not have to queue for 20 minutes to find out how long ago they ran out of pies. The biggest problem with this travel is that we're going to have a bunch of Stoke refugees all around England as once they see what civilisation is supposed to look like, they're not going back on the bus

Aston Villa pulled off arguably the best transfer of the window so far by getting Paul Lambert to tea bag Christian Benteke until he agreed to sign a new contract. NO MORE BALLS IN MY EYES PLEESASE PAUL was what he yelled

It's always nice to hear a heart warming tale like this. Little Christian, desperate for more money, hands in a transfer request so he can move literally anywhere else except Birmingham and rather than being told to go away, receives a brand new contract where he gets paid lots more money. In the real world, this is like if I told my boss that I'm moving to another city whether he likes it or not in the hope that I get offered more money but instead here I am in Yeovil wanking off tramps to buy cornflakes

Manchester City have been busy spending a lot of money this week and two of their new purchases are really swell guys. Alvaro Negredo and Stevan Jovetic have moved for a combined £42million.

According to FM12, Jovetic turns out to be worth £29million in the year 2019 and since we all know FM is about as accurate a predictor of real world happenings as you can possibly get, it looks like City have done some good business. Alvaro Negredo not so much

But then again, last year he scored something close to 30 goals or whatever so he's probably pretty good. FM isn't always right about everything you know - we can take a lot of notice of what it predicts but it can never be taken as fact. It's a bit like Mystic Meg except without being a cunt

Friday, 19 July 2013

Luis Suarez has just earned himself blog entries where I don't mention how he's racist and psychotic after appearing in an advert and being genuinely funny.

In the video, Luis pretends to be an office worker that annoys his colleagues. Surprisingly, they are all far worse actors than he is, despite that being their actual job and it only being a facet of his. His diving joke is the funniest thing I've seen in an advert since Durex tried to make me use one, but I doubt he wrote it. He's just the guy that does the thing he's been told to for money.

Edinson Cavani has signed a 5 year deal with Paris St Germain because the French league is really good now. Conveniently he's being paid loads of money but that's just because he has so many muscles #dreamboat

See, a girl at my *real* work thinks this guy is super handsome but I just can't help but feel that he permanently looks like you've just asked him about Syria. Luckily for the striker, he is worth a cool £55million even though I've never seen him do anything remotely amazing. Maybe it's my ignorance to a dying Serie A, maybe it's my scepticism at a billionaire buying someone he's heard of, but I'm pretty sure this is like when your Dad buys a painting and spends the next 5 years trying to justify why he did it.

Thursday, 18 July 2013

Papiss Cisse has decided that he cannot wear Newcastle's training kit because it has a Wonga sponsor on it and his god, who absolutely hates Wonga, would be mega pissed about it. SOLD

We all know about the whole 'Muslims don't like having fun' rule and part of this religion is that for the greater good, no one should promote companies like Wonga because they are evil. Back in 1843 when the Lizard Emperor first wrote the bible, this day was actually predicted. The script read:

And lo, Papiss Cisse was left at home while all his mates went and had fun in Portugal and played football. He did was then sold to some team in Germany or wherever, have you seen the remote control I mean be good to your neighbour

Some of the more moderate Islamic followers like Hatem Ben Arfa and the other ones at Newcastle have decided to go ahead with training, because it is their FUCKING JOB. So far, none of the other Muslims have died or been struck with the plague and judging by how incredibly insensitive the tone of this article is, I think that might be because most of it is being saved up to put in an envelope to send to my house. Luckily for me I've been keeping snakes in my room so I have anti venom to stop the plague. The only problem is that I have loads of snakes everywhere

Wayne Rooney is at the centre of a transfer tug of WAR and has stated that his treatment is tantamount to constructive dismissal - a phrase he has definitely heard of.

I'd love to see Rooney at a tribunal as he repeats the script he learnt note for note before heading in the room:

The behaviour shown to me by Manchester United is a cycle of constant neglect and constitutes constructive dismissal ROONEY SMASH

All this is just nonsense because he can't be arsed playing for Manchester United anymore, especially now that Ferguson has gone and been replaced with someone who looks like they'd fight a dog on the street if it got too close. No, this is the time for the Roonster (c) to bail and join Chelsea, where resident media wizard lives. Plus, in London there are more buildings for Rooney to trample on and he could even grab a woman and climb up The Shard where planes would shoot him and we can all learn that the real monster is society. Or the giant ape. I can never tell.

If he wants to go up less violently then the best chat up line for the occasion is, 'can I take you up The Shard'?

Mourinho's been giving it all "only losers sit on the bench" and "please sign for Chelsea" in the papers but still we wait for David Moyes to give in and set him free. As long as he doesn't bring Rooney to any press conferences with bright flashing lights, Manhattan should be safe. Or something

Monday, 15 July 2013

Fat Ronaldo has been busy eating all of the food, but when he hasn't been doing that he's been studying marketing. It turns out he's quite good and his company, 9ine has made £15million this year. Now old Ronnie wants to expand the business and what better way than with tits

It might sound like the greatest Roald Dahl book he never wrote, but Ronaldo is hoping to invest in the rights to Playboy in Brazil and sees it as a massive investment opportunity. I couldn't agree more. What better industry to buy into than one slowly dying beneath a mountain of free internet websites, for a publication that requires both bravery and ID to purchase. If only there were a way the people of Brazil could see naked ladies, like on the internet or something, everything would be OK, but until then they're just going to have to keep buying magazines along with people who live in bushes or have escaped from jail. Which assuming my limited reading on the country is correct is like 80% of them. Also Neymar

Either Manchester United chiefs or newspaper staff got bored today and decided to just send bids to all of the players that they've heard of who play in midfield. I have also heard of Cesc Fabregas, for example

You may remember Cesc Fabregas from such films as 'I love Arsenal', 'I won a throw in' and 'I really want to leave Arsenal' but the 26 year old is currently enjoying life at Barcelona. Don't listen to any of that nonsense journalists write when they say he's "tired of being on the bench" - he was like their top, or second top assister last year and scored heaps. Plus he played in pretty much every game, regardless of being on the bench.

Man United have apparently bid £25million, which is absolute nonsense since he's worth about £35m and Arsenal also have first refusal on him. They're also still owed money by Barca for the midfielder so could get him way cheaper.

All I'm saying is that he won't go to Man United. But if he does, I didn't say that. I said he was going there. Or watching porn. Definitely one of those two things

Arsenal have offered a very sexy £35million to Liverpool for star racist, Luis Suarez. IT HAS BEEN REJECTED

The Uruguay striker has been very swift to point out that although he is absolutely determined to move away from England where the media has been so evil to him for physically and verbally assaulting people, he will absolutely move to any other club in England as long as it's in the Champions League.

Arsenal are just one of those clubs and the thing is, even though Liverpool are holding out for £40million, I bet Wenger would actually pay it seeing as though he's genuinely worth that. It's like if you buy the last furby in the shop for your nephew - it's a bit expensive but ultimately worth the money for how happy it makes him. Even though it keeps calling him a cunt. I was fairly sure they didn't make those anymore either, the trick is phone the company ahead of time

According to The Mirror, Manchester City boss Menuel Pellegrini is preparing a 'cut price' bid for Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

The PSG star is available for cheap for some weird reason and wants to leave France where he has grown disillusioned by the paparazzi following him everywhere. Also it's in France where beer is really expensive. If Zlatan does sign for Man City I will be so excited that you will hear this noise

Do you hear that noise? That's the noise of a 1000 boners all standing to attention at once.

It might also be the neighbour's cat but I'm pretty sure I let it out of the cupboard a few days ago. It's been a long weekend

Ray Wilkins was in court today listening to some policemen detail how he was too pissed to stand up yet still attempted to drive somewhere in a car. LAD!

North Surrey Magistrate's court were also told a wonderful story about later that evening when Wilkins fell asleep in a police car and then swore at officers, presumably after telling them about how any number of Chelsea players are nice young men. His car was seen weaving along a road at 1.45am on May 7th last year and before allegedly crashing into a traffic island. Upon being arrested he said he didn't care because that was the last achievement he had to unlock before he could get to the next world

Mohammed Al Fayed has sold Fulham to the Pringles guy so that he can finally go back into his cryogenic freezer and complete his time travelling experiment.

I can't tell if Al Fayed is trying to do a granddad moustache joke there, or what he's really even playing at, but this new guy is called Shahid Khan and while born in Pakistan is actually American. He bought some other sports team called the Jaguar somethings (Jacksonville Jaguars) and made the Fulham owner agree to sell the club by offering to take him to the park to feed the ducks

Mario Balotelli's former girlfriend is all kinds of Glenn Close mental and that is why she is suing his parents for defamation, following some argument about her bebe. I mean she's suing Balotelli's parents. Not Glenn Close

According to Rafaella Fico, her daughter Pia is part created by Balotelli but he refuses to acknowledge it since he thinks she was sleeping around or something like that. The Italy striker hasn't even seen the child yet and demands a blood test before he takes her on, which I think you'll all agree is going to be the best episode of Jeremy Kyle ever, like one of those soap operas you see in a foreign hotel where you don't know what's going on or what year it's supposed to be

Carlos Tevez was busy earlier this year when he was combining playing football with driving illegally. Sentenced to many hours of community service for his crime, Tevez has decided to move to Italy and the courts are just like 'meh whatever'

The Argentinian forward moved to the Turin giants for about £10million which might grow if bonuses work out and HOLY SHIT he's only £10million?!!! That is mental. Tevez's agent offered to give his porsche, worth about 55k, to the judge in exchange for the striker to roam the streets again but instead it was ruled he should pay £3000. Instead of the £55k he volunteered. Carlos was very scared about such a large amount of money so he checked his inside pocket but there was only £2000 there :-(

Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Peter Crouch seems like a nice chap and his wife is really hot, so since they were out dancing in Ibiza somewhere, here's an excuse to show pictures of tits.

In the above video we can clearly see Crouchy nearly dropping his super hot wife on the floor after she decided to sit on his shoulders. After that he busts some moves and then does a cool trick with his hat and loads of people stand around recording it on their phones rather than actually fucking enjoying themselves. Now for those boobs I promised

That's close enough for me anyway, although years of watching redtube's back catalogue have reduced my erotic imagination to crippling levels. Unless I see someone dressed up as a pterodactyl being fisted by a robot, I can barely even get a full boner these days. What a world.

Sometimes football transfers aren't quite as exciting as you'd hope. Here are just some of the big moves that have taken place in the last couple of days

1. Grant Holt to Wigan

Grant Holt is excited because he has been given 'the chance to help Wigan rebuild'. The problem is that when saying that to him in the interview they missed out the "...my shed" and he still thinks he's a footballer.

2. Jay Spearing to Blackburn

Jay Spearing doesn't so much look like he'd steal your car, as much as he looks like you'd find him dismantling the landing equipment on the wing of an aeroplane. He is moving to Blackburn, where there are no aeroplanes.

3. Two Wigan players to Everton

Roberto Martinez has stepped up his bid to ruin Everton by bringing Antolin Alcaraz and Arouna Kone across. I also have no idea who that first guy is but Kone is about as average as Premier League strikers come so it's good to see him aiming high. Well, it's either that Kone, or he's that dude that got famous on the internet last year for throwing children's parties or something.

That concludes boring transfers that have, or are about to happen, today

Tottenham's Benoit Assou-Ekotto has never heard of new signing Paulinho because he couldn't give a shit about football. Fair play.

Assou-Ekotto is a bit of a legend because he openly admits that he only plays football for the money and finds it hard to understand people who don't get why he doesn't care about who Norwich have signed or why Demba Ba doesn't like bicycles. When asked about whether he knows who Paulinho is he said something like "No and when Rafael Van der Vaart came to training I was like hello but I didn't know it was Van Der Vaart". Which is good because when asked the same question, my reaction was to try and distract them from my lack of knowledge by screaming and pretending I had pooped myself. I'm still not sure if it worked. But I really wish I hadn't pooped myself

Alan Pardew has finally told everyone what he really thinks about Joe Kinnear which is........ he doesn't really mind. PANDEMONIUM

There are rumours now that Derek Lambeezee, as Joe Kinnear referred to him, fell out with Mike Ashley in recent weeks and that is why he was replaced by the former Wimbledon manager. I bet at this stage in his mentalness, Kinnear probably thinks that he ran the tennis club rather than a football team. In his house he just has hundreds of trophy celebration photos where he's photoshopped himself in the crowd

Pardew, meanwhile, has insisted that he remains in charge and Kinnear is just going to deal with transfers and stuff. Because if there's one person an incredibly in-demand and talented footballer wants to talk to, it's a fat mental desperately trying to not have a heart attack

Luis Suarez's agent has made Liverpool aware that he definitely still wants to leave, just like he did yesterday, and the day before that and the day before that. He has ambition, dammit

Pep Guardiola's brother, who I'm going to call Nigel until I remember what it actually is, has been in talks with Liverpool's Ian Ayre and David Brenton Rodgers and has made it explicitly clear that homie don't play no UEFA Cup. In fact Liverpool aren't even anywhere near that trophy, both because it's called something else now and because they insist on buying utter shite, like I repeat in every single fucking article I do on Liverpool. "blah blah blah ANDY CARROLL WAS EXPENSIVE WASNT HE LOL, STEWART DOWNING SOMETHING SOMETHING JORDAN HENDERSON"