An Open Letter to the Two Guys Playing Call of Duty at 11:30 pm at Full Volume With the Window Open on a Weeknight

Dear Two Guys Playing Call of Duty at 11:30 pm at Full Volume With the Window Open on a Weeknight:

Listen, I get it.

Video games are fun. People enjoy fun things. You’ve got a friend over, or your roommate, or whatever, and you want to kick back and virtually shoot each other repeatedly. I’ve had many of my own late-night video game sessions and, frankly, I don’t do it enough. It’s a great release after a long day at work.

You know what else is great after a long day at work? Sleep. Which is really difficult when, even with my doors and windows closed, my bedroom sounds like London during the Blitz.

It is possible to play Call of Duty, or any other game really, at a volume below Global Thermonuclear War. In fact I’m sure any physician would recommend it. Hearing loss is very serious and usually irreversible. A constant ringing in the ears, a common side effect of long-term exposure to Call of Duty at a decibel level between ‘directly behind a 747 during takeoff’ and ‘South African soccer game’, could make getting a good night’s sleep nearly impossible. Which to be fair would be poetic justice worthy of Dante.

But maybe I’m being unfair. Sure I have a job to go to in the morning – at least for now, until I fall asleep at my desk and get fired because you idiots couldn’t close your freaking window – but maybe you don’t. The unemployment rate in California is at a staggering 10.9% so it’s entirely possible that this spree of digital violence is a soothing release from the stress of bills piling up and prospects going down. If that’s the case, you have my sympathy. But if that’s the case you don’t have health insurance, so think very carefully about tempting me to feed you your controller, as I do not like having my rest interrupted.

I hate to be that guy, I hope you understand that. I’m still in my 20s for another seven months or so. I’m probably older than you but I’m not some cranky old man out to ruin everyone’s fun. I get loud on occasion and I’ve been known to turn up music on weekends. But the difference between you and I is that I know the line. I turn the music off at night, I don’t get loud when people are trying to sleep. And because of that I’m far less likely to get my legs broke when someone snaps from sleep deprivation.

So please, take my advice. I’ve been around the block a few times and I’ve made my mistakes so I’m coming to you from a place of experience. I’m just looking out for you here, pointing out the hurdles before you trip. I’m not trying to boss you around, I’m just giving you some pointers I picked up along the way:

Shut up. Shut up or I will punch you in the face. I hate you and I hope you catch crabs from a gas station toilet seat. You’re history’s greatest monster. If you don’t let me sleep I swear I will build a chamber with the express purpose of keeping you awake and lock you in it for so long the scientists behind MK-ULTRA will wonder if maybe I’m going too far.