What is it about me that people become so vulnerable to me in a single night? We hang out for some assumed sexy times, but I just don't operate like that. I need to slow down. I'm very inexperienced with sex. I can't just sleep with you without knowing you. Sex to me is a physical bond that connects our souls.

So we end up talking. We end up sharing our deep personal thoughts. But I'm just some random dude you met that day. You don't know me, but you feel safe around me. You feel safe to share, and I'm glad I can make you feel that way. But why do you? What do I make you feel? Why doesn't this seem wrong? Isn't it really unnatural though? An intense emotional connection and sharing. People take months and years to feel that safe with another person. It takes me a single night. Not even a night, just a few hours. Why isn't a giant red warning going off in your head? I share my life, but mostly my past behaviors. I don't share the emotions I've felt with that, the thoughts I had. You however, share everything. You cry in front of me. And I hold you tight, telling you it's okay to cry. I will validate your feelings.

I've done fucked up things due to being emotionally neglected all my life. I still am. And I get sad seeing other's emotions neglected. I've done bad things, and really am not phased by dark fucked up thoughts. But you don't see that in me. I don't know if that's even part of me still. I don't know if I'm crazy or just never learned how to feel and show my emotions to another person. I care a lot for people I meet. But I hold on to my past so much, I don't know what my own identity is. I base it off what people say. Mostly the negative things. But who am I really? I don't know.

I ask these people that open up to me to describe me. What kind of person I am, what I make them feel, what about me makes them drop all mental safeguards to open up to a complete stranger? All they say are the words “different”,“high energy”, “loud” and “unique”. That's so vague, general, and cryptic. It means nothing to me-- Actually no, it does mean something to me. It makes me feel like utter shit. It makes me feel alone. It makes me not feel connected. It makes me feel like I'm...just not the same as everyone else. And I'm not even words to you, I'm just things that are indescribable and so far different from everyone else. You can describe you dog better than me.

And then you leave me. I call it an “emotional one night stand”. We know each other to our core in a few hours. We don't have sex. You leave with closure and validation. I leave with hopes of having a friend. But that never happens. It's too intense. Relationships don't work like that. What takes months of constant companionship and intimacy happens in 4 hours. And we never speak again. I'm not ready to say goodbye.

I don't know my deep fears. I don't know my insecurities. I never get to share it. I keep apologizing for being nervous dealing with sex or foreplay. I never want to show my emotions. I can't be weak. I can't be weak for you. I have to be strong. I have to have answers for what you feel. But no one has any for me. So I just live numb. Numb because I've been conditioned that it's wrong to feel anything negative. And even if I feel depressed I can't let you see. No one should see. Because I'm not meant to be weak. I'm not meant to be the one needing help. I'm meant to help you. Even if I wanted to get help like I've helped you, you don't know what to say. Fuck you can't even describe me. I'm just a bunch of vague words that make you feel safe in a short amount of time. So how can I expect help or mutual sharing of emotions when I'm so “unique” and “different”?

So I just bury everything. I don't allow myself to cry. I don't allow myself to listen to what my emotions say. I have to be strong. Because no one will be strong for me. No one even knows how. No one even knows what to say. It makes me feel so disconnected and alone. And I'm crying now. But I won't let people see it. It's wrong for me to feel sad. It's wrong for me to bring this up. It's wrong for me to need to slow down. Everything that isn't being strong is wrong. At least in my head. But even if people want to help, they don't know what to say or how to respond. They're afraid. I don't know if it's guilt from not being able to return the emotional comforting. I don't know if my thoughts and troubles are too intense. I don't know if they can comprehend the sadness I feel. They won't hold me like I've held them. Them won't let me cry. Everything I've done for them they can't do. I guess I'm too fucked up and damaged of a person. It's okay. I'm used to it. This probably won't change. It's sad but I just need to accept it. It never happened before, I don't know why I think it'll ever happen. I'll just keep being strong.

One day I'll break. But even when I'm broken, no one will know what to do or say. No one will listen, or hold me, or tell me it's okay to be weak--no one will do anything. I don't know why I assume I deserve emotional comforting. I never had it. Probably never will. I need to stop wanting something impossible. Even responses from this is just either pity or obligation.

I'm just a lonely, damaged, and neglected person. Sorry for bringing this up. Sorry for being weak.