Friday, May 24, 2013

The End of the World as We Know It

Robots stand on the blood-drenched shores of an otherwise serene beach, while a once decadent resort burns in the distance. Refugees are being evacuated from their temporary homes and standing firm in the face of a devastating offensive. Men, women, and symbiotic collections of microorganisms stand firm in the face of certain death. Middian waits for the storms of war to crash fully into its heady shores. The time for doubt and uncertainty have passed, and the people of Middian only have a single burning question upon their lips, one of those timeless questions which drives the actions of the people of Gatetown.

“How can I best leverage this situation into having more sex?”

Look, we get it. Nothing makes you feel more alive than your imminent demise. What other activity reminds you of being alive in quite the same way? Ok, sure, freestyle Narakan Lava Spider riding, but precious few others. It’s only natural. Well, except for the Aeshma. I mean, they are a collective right? I guess it’s more like secession than reproduction in their case. Probably something like a toenail falls off and then grows into another one or something. You know what? I’m getting off point here, let’s back up.

People who have a lot of sex are relaxed. Relax people are less tense. People who are less tense make less mistakes. People who make less mistakes probably won’t make a crucial error that results in the destruction of humanity. It’s in humanity’s best interests that everyone is “traveling through the gate” as much as possible. At this point I am sure you are saying, “FNF, I have a hard time finding people interested in ‘docking the Vagabond’ with me. How can I make that happen?”

You are lucky, gentlereader, we are here to help. Here are some approaches to make sure that “the underways are traversed” as frequently as possible in the next few days. One thing to remember here is that all advice given here is Quantum in nature. If you try and measure our success rate, your invariably change the outcome. It’s on you.

I have nothing left of home...except you

Far away from your planet of origin? No problem! Odds are that someone on Middian shares that home planet with you. Find them, and start reminiscing. Your friends, your family, your favorite bar, and your secret crush you never told anyone you loved...until you share this in a moment of “raw honesty”. Be sure to choke up a little at this point, not much, no one likes a crybaby, but maybe just a little tightening of the vocal cords, a slight turn away, or a big breath after stopping for a second. Then, stare deep into your potential partner eyes and say, “I have nothing left of home...except you”.

Unless they have had their feels cybernetically replaced, or have that new insensitivity mutation, you’re probably going to be cleared to “knock a few electrons off the ol’ atom”.

I fight...for you

Now, this one is a little harder (heh heh heh). Odds are that your other battlemates have spent some time around you, but there’s always the chance that this once can work, especially if you do it while wounded. I’m not talking a sucking chest wound, but you know, a quickly healed arm, or better yet, an injured leg. You can take your prospective partner’s hand in your’s and start up a conversation about the horrors of war. Don’t panic, it gets better from there. While you are healing, ask them to stay with you and then steer the conversation about why you chose to continue fighting. Take their hand in your’s, you can shortcut this a little by asking them to check the wound as you think it reopened, and then whisper, “Why do I fight? I fight...for you”. Then, you should probably smolder.

Afterwards, you should invite them back to your bunk for some “physical therapy”.

Last Night on Middian

The good news about having a world destroying invasion force on the way to your planet is that every single night might literally be your last night on world. That might sound like terrible news, but it affords the use of the closest thing to a sure thing, the use of the phrase “this might be our last night on <insert planet name>”. It’s basically intergalactic code for “let’s skip this bullshit and get to the freaky space sex”. It’s not subtle. It’s not nuanced. Everyone knows what the score is when you break this bad boy out. Luckily, everyone is looking to score. The best news about a long weekend with lots of threats? Multiple last nights on Middian. Really, what’s better than multiples?

It’s an age old fact. Knockin’ space boots is good for the soul. How do you people get so much access to the Quantum Sea? They have exceptional...souls. Don’t take it from us, though. For the final word on the matter I turn it over to the wisdom of my boy JA1.

“Knock all the space boots that you are able. Revel in it. Do not mistake the might of knockin’ space boots for being less than what it is. It was knockin’ space boots that saved us. It was knockin’ space boots that made us strong. Know, with absolute certainty, that the choice between knockin’ space boots and victory is a false choice. For what victory can there be without the knockin’ of space boots?”