Am I Being Over-Protective?

My 10-year-old son and his friends want to cross a busy street by themselves and get ice cream. Should I let him?

My 10 year-old son and his friends want to cross a very busy street together on their way home from school and sometimes stop for ice cream. I’m very nervous about it but he says that the other mothers “let.” Am I being over-protective? What should I do?

(Don’t want to be) Overprotective Mother

Dear Protective Mother,

The first thing you want to do is call the other mothers. It is very rarely true that all the mothers let. Be a little skeptical. And just in case this is the exception, be open. Listen to the reasoning of the other mothers. Maybe you need to change your rules. Be flexible.

There is never a good time to let go. It is hard whatever the age and the exact age is, frankly, a little arbitrary. At some point (and I think 10 is a good age) we do have to. We need to give our children a little freedom (as hard as it is for us). We need to support their growth and their desire for independence. They are in training for adulthood and we do not want to limit their growth. It will always be hard and nerve-wracking (You think this is bad; wait until they start driving!) but, in the end, we don’t really have a choice. If we want healthy children, we need to give them a little space and a little age-appropriate freedom. We will oppress and destroy them otherwise.

It’s time for a little trust and a little prayer. In Jewish understanding, you are allowed to take risks that are commonly accepted – such as crossing a street (bungee jumping, no). This is definitely one of them and an opportunity to reinforce the idea that everything is in the Almighty’s hands (which is easier said than done).

Dear Emuna,

I am a working mother of young children. I am often overwhelmed and exhausted by all my responsibilities. My question is how hard I should push myself to give to my husband. A few examples – He appreciates a good supper; however I often don't have the time to prepare a nice supper for him. He loves to have his students over for Shabbos meals; however it is challenging for me to cook, serve, and clean up. I would love to create the best marriage possible and understand that he must come first. However, I find that the day- to-day reality between work and taking care of young children does not allow me to give him as much as I would like to. Any insights?

Overwhelmed Wife

Dear Overwhelmed,

Everyone is overwhelmed these days. We are all too busy with too many responsibilities. The question is which ones are optional and which ones mandatory. This is a question you need to ask yourself. You say that you understand that your husband comes first. Does your schedule attest to that? I need a little more information to answer fully. How many children? How old? What kind of job? Where? Are you dependent on your income? How many hours do you work? Without these crucial bits, it’s hard to figure out how to help.

I would however second your insight that your husband comes first. If you can take time away from job, from your children’s busy extra-curricular schedule, from some of your community activities (if you have any!) to give to your husband, then you should. A nice supper seems like a basic commitment. Can you throw something in the crock pot in the morning? Can you cook and freeze on Sundays or in the evenings? Can you hire any after-school help with the kids that will allow you to greet your husband in a more relaxed frame of mind? Can you hire some cleaning help for those Shabbos meals?

I’m not saying that these are the exact answers to your dilemma; I am however suggesting that you have to think creatively to make these things happen and to focus more on your marriage. You have to be open to new ideas. None of what I mentioned was so radical but you have to consider changing your schedule or your pattern or your habits.

It won’t be easy but if it’s what we really want, we can make it happen. The secret lies in the determination and commitment (and an assist from the Almighty!).

Dear Emuna,

My husband is very close with his sister. She is a nice person and means well. The problem is that she loves to gossip. When she gets together with her friends, it is their favorite pastime. She often invites me to participate in her social gatherings and while I appreciate the invitation I don’t really want to be a part of those conversations. I can’t always say no or it will hurt her feelings. What should I do?

Trying to Keep My Mouth Zippered

Dear Sensitive Speaker,

This is a tough situation but not an uncommon one. Most of us certainly face that dilemma at some time or another in our lives, although probably not with the same frequency that you are. It is true that you can’t always say no to your sister-in-law without causing problems in the family. You also don’t want to complain to your husband about her behavior, not only because it’s also lashon hara (gossip) (!) but because you will put him in an awkward position. That leaves basically one solution, a solution that is effortful and puts the onus on you. In anticipation of a visit to your sister-in-law you need to prepare topics of conversation, games and other activities to distract everyone from their usual bad habit.

Yes, it means that every time the burden is on you to make sure the conversation is elevated (or at least not negative) and to create a fun and wholesome atmosphere. It’s frustrating to have to take that responsibility but you have the opportunity to lift everyone there to a new level of interaction. That should be an exciting motivation!

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 7

(6)
Joey,
April 26, 2014 6:59 AM

A Thought About Overworked Wife

Another thing that Overworked Wife leaves out is her husband's opinion of this situation. Has he actually said anything about feeling neglected, or given signs that he's frustrated with the situation? O.W. does not mention it, so maybe she is worrying unnecessarily.

God bless!

(5)
Allie,
April 18, 2014 2:12 PM

Take on more?

This woman is working and caring for young children, and you're telling her to restructure her schedule to accommodate her husband's demands on top of that?

I'm pretty sure men know how to prepare food, and they also know how to clean. A bit of help from him around the house (and a lack of asking her to do more more more than she already does, such as inviting guests over without any intention of aiding in being a good host to them) will probably go a long way in freeing up her schedule to prioritize him differently than she can now.

(4)
LindaSeroolWapple,
April 17, 2014 6:01 PM

Gossip

Hello, I so very ashamed of myself for my behaviour and even though I have asked for forgiveness I can't help but think I don't deserve it. I work in a workplace of all women which can be difficult in itself. We look after the elderly, I have done this my whole life. I have allowed myself to get involved in petty gossip but it isn't petty. Reputations can be ruined. I am not proud of myself and I need to make amends but at the same time how do I make amends to some who will not accept it. I know G-D loves me but I'm sure He doesn't like me. Please pray for me, that I can start being a good example at work, that I will be strong and able to walk away from gossip, that I can make things right.

(3)
Anonymous,
April 17, 2014 3:39 PM

Why is the onus on the wife? How about the husband helping out. He could also cook or grill. He could set the table the night before and he could certainy help in the clean-up.

(2)
Laura,
April 17, 2014 2:24 PM

crossing the street

Lol, if you are a Jewish Mother, check how busy the street is. Make sure it is not busy and that there is a cross walk. Make sure there is no cars rushing through, worry the entire time, have sweat running down your forehead and hold your heart as they cross.

If you are not Jewish, just wave goodbye and think about something else.

Worry=Prayer=Jewish Mother

(1)
jean,
April 14, 2014 4:24 AM

Re: Shabbos meals

Since the husband invites the guests, why can't he help with the food preparation, cooking, serving, and clean up? During the week he should be contributing also in same way to the meals.

Marlene,
April 17, 2014 4:56 PM

Of course he should

This is the 21st century. Of course husband and wife should share domestic tasks, especially if both have jobs. They should also share childcare.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

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