Monday, November 3, 2014

Momma feels terribly guilty. The month of October slipped by without a public blog letter, even though there was a constant question that tugged at my heart the entire month.

As Momma and Dadda attempted to navigate the conflicting Halloween costume wants of your little brother (Fireman? Ghost? Spiderman? Broom riding witch/warlock? We landed on Superman for the second year in a row.) I couldn't help but realize...I have no idea what costume you would have chosen at the big boy age of five. What sports would you be playing? What movie would be your favorite? Is there a particular book that win favor over all the others on your bookshelf? These are the choices that would normally dictate the costume dreams of a little boy.

It's hard to acknowledge that your favorite things at 16.5 months of age - your Froggy, The Backyardigans - would no longer even be on your radar screen at this point. It's only as I watch your little brother grow, mature and move through the infant to baby to toddler to independent boy stages that I've had to face this stark reality. (That and the fact that Nick Jr. seems to have totally discontinued The Backyardigans?!)

Tonight, as I put your little brother to bed, he chose one of your Backyardigan books. At the end of the book he asked me to repeat the name each character, with a big grin. I explained that this was your favorite show, sang a bit of the theme song, and talked about each of the characters: Tyrone, Austin, Pablo and Uniqua. The Pickle just giggled and said, "I know Momma. I'm going to see him in a few minutes."

I managed to calmly ask, "You're going to see Connor???"

And he just looked up at me and stated, "Yep! I do lots! Nighty night. Thanks. I love you."

Well, huh. I've always believed you are here with us, on my shoulder, in the butterflies that visit us, sitting at the kitchen table as we laugh and share stories. And now there is this. You're getting to know your brother within the limitations of this earth through dreams. Yes, Peanut, I believe.

The week before Halloween your brother ran into a table and gave himself one heck of a black eye. Just like you did in 2010. The feeling of history repeating itself is nagging at my brain and heart. Is this merely a coincidence? Gosh...I have trouble believing in coincidences at this point. Maybe it is simply bad timing. I don't know. What I do know - Momma's vigilance is on steroids for the next several months.

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About Me

On September 12, 2009 I gave birth to a perfect, precious little boy - Connor. My Peanut. And we had him for 500 magical days. On January 26, 2011 he died without warning or explanation (SUDC). This blog is all about Peanut and the amazing impact he has had on everyone he touched.