More on quests

– More or less exercising, not on regular weekdays but I’ve been decently active on weekends.

-Food. Still an issue.

– Self-abstinence (ie no porn or masturbation): still going and very boring.

With the waking up on time, automatically, my sleep patterns are getting more regular. I go to bed earlier and sleep deeper than before. This means that I need less hours of sleep to properly rest. I don’t feel like I need to sleep 12 or 13 hours a night to be fully fresh and awake, like I did before. I am getting by fairly well on 7 to 8 hours a night. I also realized that I was only resting on nights when I knew there would be no alarm the next day. So rest was only happening on Friday and Saturday evenings. No wonder I’ve been so exhausted for the past few weeks/months/years…. So, I still wake up at night from grinding my teeth and I still wake up with clenched shoulders and neck. But I am resting better now, almost every night, not just on weekends. I have more energy, I actually want to go out and do things. This is good.

The no masturbation quest is in appearance boring. I’ve been busy so it’s been easy to keep to it. However, I do start to feel the restlessness of the sexual energies. My head is full of thoughts of men, like little fleeting images, where I imagine a mans hands touching me. Kissing a man, remembering the last time I was with a man. Touching a man, smelling a man, feeling a man. I’ll be writing something and suddenly there’s a little intruding thought of penises. My way of ‘getting a grip’ on these thoughts is to just go at it and masturbate and then they calm down for a few days. The dangerous thing about this is that I get very flirty around men, I don’t want to do that, I work mostly with men and I really don’t want to flirt with ‘them’. It’s automatic, however, I do it without thinking, an extra smile, a little flutter of eyelashes….laughing with one to make the other ones jealous. It’s gross, I don’t want to do this, and the worst thing is, that I don’t want anything with any of them, it’s just their masculine energy that calls to my body. This is what I was afraid of with not masturbating. I just don’t know how to deal with all this sexual energy. It’s distracting as well, makes it hard to focus on something when I’m thinking about sex all the time. It’s really a longing that I don’t want to have. I like the sexual energy, it makes me feel alive, but I don’t like the longing and the acting like a teenager.

I’ve talked to friends of mine, and they say that they either have a man to satisfy it, or they burn it through exercise. I don’t see any of those as alternatives, because neither of them is about ‘dealing’ with the sexual energy, they are about burning it out. I don’t want to burn it out, I like having it around. Similarly, for me, being with a man is not satisfying, since I do not have orgasms, and have trouble feeling pleasure during sex. Masturbating, is a little bit more satisfying, since there is no pressure from someone else, and I know exactly what I like (why are men so clumsy?, it’s not sooo complicated). However, even through masturbation I never achieve true orgasms, I reach some sort of climax, but none of the ‘signs of orgasm’ such as involuntary contractions, or speeding up of the heart. In short, no release. It’s still relaxing, I even feel the bones in my lower back release and the pain goes away for a little while.

Hhhmmm, there was a lot to say about this after all. In short, I’m getting restless, I long for the touch of a man, but there aren’t too many men that I’d really like to get touched by. Usually, once it does happen, it’s a very disappointing experience, almost seems like it’s not worth it. Maybe I expect too much out of men….**sigh, it’s all pointless**