When contact was lost recently with a Russian spaceship carrying a colony of sex-crazed space geckos, the horny reptiles on board had no idea their internal communications were being recorded by the US National Security Agency (NSA), who of course thought they were listening to Russian cosmonauts. What follows is based on a translation of the NSA transcript.

“God damn it Yuri, we have done it! We are free at last!”

“Yes Overlord Geckovich,” hissed Yuri. “You have proven yourself a fine leader. But where will we go? What will we do?”

“First,” said Geckovich, “we should all fuck. We should fuck with the fury of Glasnost We must have a Glasnost orgy now. Come Yuri — lick my balls.”

“Yes Your Eminence,” said Yuri, “I shall lick mightily. But then, oh master, where will we go? What will we do?”

“I don’t know, Yuri. I suppose we should land somewhere … just not in the Ukraine or, for fucks sake, the Gaza Strip.”

“Then where, Your Eminence? Please tell me as I lick your balls!”

“The United States,” said Overlord Geckovich. “There is an insurance company there that is run by our people. We shall join up with them and together we will form the nation of Geckopolis … perhaps in Nevada or Utah. You know … a place where weird gecko sex parties might not stand out as unusual.”

“Excellent, Your Eminence! Excellent!”

Somewhere in Fort Meade, the following email missive was fired off.

Attention: Admiral Michael Rogers:

Interception of communications aboard a dark Soyuz vehicle has revealed a plot, apparently hatched by a bunch of ball-licking Russian cosmonauts who have mutinied in orbit, to invade either Nevada or Utah for the purposes of reptilian sex. Apparently, they have co-conspirators at a US insurance company.