Thursday, August 7th, 2014

You might have thought that wearable technology had reached its nadir with the dog pedometer of 2012. However, just two years later, we’ve hit a new low. Allow me to introduce you to Bondara’s “SexFit”:

Yes, gentleman, it’s a fitness tracker for your penis. It’s also a cock ring1 that’s equipped with Bluetooth and wifi. Why have just one type of radio wave transmitted all over your genitals when you can instead have two? In addition to stimulating a better erection, the SexFit will track you performance during sex, and provide feedback with an accompanying app:

This is certainly something the world needs. After all, who doesn’t want to receive a letter grade after sex? And if you want to improve your performance, there’s no need to pull an all-nighter cramming. Just bone up with the “personal trainer vibration mode”, fellas.

It’s difficult to fathom how one might tactfully bring this into the bedroom. Women may be able to go “freshen up” but how exactly does a guy explain that he needs a moment to attach a flashing sex tracker to his penis? That’s not exactly “slipping into something more comfortable”. Lest you think that’s the most awkward part of the SexBit, however, be sure not to miss this note from their press release:

Much like other similar fitness tracker innovations, the SexFit allows the most dedicated users to share and compare their favourite [sic] sessions and impressive individual milestones with their peers on social media.

Hot damn, that’s classy!

My favorite part of all this may actually be relatively unrelated to the product itself. Have a look at the end of the URL slug on the Engadget post where I first saw this:

It may be a joke, or it may actually be a cry for help. Either way, one can’t help but feel a little sad for writer Daniel Cooper, who is no doubt wondering how it all led to this. Fortunately, covering this sort of absurdity is pretty much One Foot Tsunami’s raison d’être, so I don’t have to feel bad about it.

Footnotes:

Despite diligent research, I was unable to find a less crass term for that. Sorry, Mom.
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