Healing Wounds of the Gender Wars

Sometimes when I see a need I can't help but imagine possible
solutions. On average I probably have one new business idea every
other month, but I'm not really driven to make money. One of my
newest real-life heroes is Suelo. I'm comfortable financially and a bit envious
of his freedom. Janis was right: Freedom's just another word for
nothing left to lose. However, I don't think this will be the
blog I've mentioned about the Middle Way, even as I continue to
dance with the illusion of sexual duality. Nor do I think this is
the promised blog on epistemology, though I have to admit that all
illusions have their own form of reality. It is possible that
neither of those blogs will ever be written, as I expect to
continue this dance around the subjects for a long time to
come.

The real starting point for me here today is a condition called
Love Shyness. I'm not going to further define it, but
will quote wikipedia now in case that page is ever vandalized or
lost:

Love shyness is a
phrase created by psychologistBrian G.
Gilmartin to describe a specific type of severe chronicshyness. According to
his definition, published in Shyness & Love: Causes,
Consequences, and Treatments (1987), love-shy people find it
difficult if not impossible to be assertive in informal
situations involving potential romantic or
sexual
partners. For example, a heterosexual
love-shy male will have trouble initiating conversations
with women because of strong feelings of anxiety.

I've met men who identify with this condition to varying degree.
There don't seem to be any good options. They may seek out help in
therapy where they may or may not have luck finding someone
equipped to really help them. I expect there are a variety of
problems related to this condition (ranging from Asperger Syndrome to PTSD and beyond). I know that in some cases
people have turned to overeating in their loneliness. In the belief
that they are unworthy of love, they've physically manifested a
condition that virtually everyone else will find unlovable. They
have self-defeating beliefs that are even more difficult to change
once they've been manifested in the flesh.

Many people have damaged views of the opposite sex. They
probably all need therapy even as social stigmas about mental
illness create resistance. I believe that many if not most can be
helped. I believe that people's views may be damaged, but that
damage is usually reparable and their inner beings can be whole if
they choose to believe in themselves and do the hard inner work
that necessitates.

I can't help anyone who doesn't want to change. I may not even
be able to help everyone who does want to change. But I believe
that I do have something to offer. Because life is short, there's a
chance I will not be able to achieve everything I dream of doing in
my lifetime. I'm willing to put this idea in writing now, and even
risk having it "stolen" because it is so important that I'd be
almost relieved if someone else has the means to take it and put it
into practice before I can. It is my major focus for 2010.

This is really a set of three complementary businesses that I'll
describe below. If I do this they will be structured under a
non-profit umbrella, with all proceeds going back into scholarships
for people who cannot afford treatment. Some people have
self-esteem issues that prevent not only relationships, but jobs.
Lacking confidence to get a job presents a catch-22. How do you get
therapy to address that problem if you can't afford it?

Branch I: Therapy for
Relationship Problems

This is the core of the three
businesses from which the other two arise as logical needs. It will
be open to men and women alike even as I will begin with marketing
toward the love shy. I do not expect to deal with anyone
under the age of consent. I could some day develop a separate
curriculum using the same basic principles just for adolescents and
believe such a thing is needed, even as it is not my current
focus.

I also do not intend for this branch
of the program to do any couples' therapy. It will be designed for
people who are single and looking for love. We will always seek to
have good referral resources for everyone who comes needing help
but who may not be eligible. I guess I think of the intake phase as
a kind of triage even. In order to be successful it needs to appeal
to a very broad range of people. The end goal is to change the way
our entire society dates. Participation in this program will be a
mark of honor, not shame.

While I would absolutely welcome all
orientations, I don't expect to market directly to gays and
lesbians. The coursework could be equally relevant, but only to a
certain degree. I'm still envisioning heterosexuals as the primary
target market. The reason here is that we are repairing damaged
views of the opposite sex where it inhibits relationships. There
are misogynistic gay men and misandrist lesbians, but they lack
real motive to address those issues. So it's back to I can't
help anyone who doesn't want to change. People who have
psychological barriers to finding love still have a need to be
loved and hence, a very strong motive to change. Therefore I
imagine there would be more benefit for gay men suffering misandry
or lesbians suffering misogyny.

Everyone who enters the program will
be given individual counseling with a licensed therapist throughout
their time in it. It is my hope that for many, insurance will cover
most of the costs. Again by structuring as a non-profit, I will
seek to make it as accessible as possible. I think this is one
business that can only succeed in my wildest dreams by becoming THE
preferred way for men and women to meet and form long term
fulfilling relationships. We've all suffered damage to our views of
each other as sexual beings. Our culture itself isn't healthy, and
I think that is too often an excuse for inaction. Excuses don't buy
me anything. I'm only interested in hearing explanations in
order to better understand past behavior so we can work together to
create a new reality that breaks the old patterns of destruction
and retribution.

Everyone who enters the program will
also participate in group coursework. I may teach some of this
myself to start, but envision hiring others as the business grows.
There are a couple very important concepts that the program will be
based around that I will address in the methods section.

Branch II: The Monitored
Dating Service

The need for a dating service arises
logically out of the goals of treatment. It could be devastating to
attempt healing of sexual wounds and then send the person back out
to meet with other people who are still wounded and who may play
mind games because they don't know what they want. There has to be
a safe place for interactions. Is the idea of bringing wounded men
and women together asking for trouble? This is the scariest part of
the program to me. If each is able to more honestly communicate and
understand the other, I believe there is real potential for healing
here. It all comes down to the willingness of the participants to
act with integrity and self-awareness. While the program will not
independently provide relationship counseling to people who haven't
participated in the core curriculum, that will absolutely be
available to everyone who is dating inside it. The only
reason to exclude the already coupled* is because they
don't have the same incentives to complete the coursework. The
program could some day grow to include the needs of those people
separately as well.

Branch III: The Weight Loss
Program

In many cases the relationship
disorders either stem from, or are the cause of, obesity (and
really I expect it to normally be an inter-created condition).
There will be other disorders as well, including drug and alcohol
problems that this program will not deal with and
which will be sufficient for rejecting a person from any
participation until they've cleaned up. I realize that actual
diagnosis of such is often difficult and relies upon self-reporting
that can't be trusted. There may be a requirement for both drug and
STD tests in Branch I & II. Testing positive for an STD
wouldn't necessarily be a prohibition from entry, but would still
require disclosure inside the community as a condition of
entry.

The weight loss program incorporates a
couple crucial concepts and will be valuable even for people who
don't suffer obesity. There is a chance this will be called
something else, perhaps Body Image Healing. After all,
one's body image is a mental construction. The core problems that
most people face in forming relationships are mental. We can treat
multiple types of problems with a similar group therapy. I will
still absolutely insist on the importance of the individual therapy
in Branch I. There is no One Size Fits All even as some
shared concepts will be absolutely vital.

The Basic Methods

1) Many people are suffering from some
type of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). EMDR and gestalt
therapy are two of several therapies I'd like to be able to offer
in the individual therapy sessions.

2) Concepts such as Radical Honesty and Compassionate Communication will be introduced
to everyone in mixed-sex classes. We will role-play a wide variety
of scenarios that people encounter when dating and in
relationships. The importance of understanding one's own needs in
order to communicate and enforce boundaries is paramount. Dating is
only one small part of the larger picture of establishing a
relationship.

3) A new understanding of the sense of
Self will be presented. We are the synthesis of many things, but
primarily we can be viewed as the consciousness, unconsciousness
and physical body. The latter two seem to blur or merge, and we
will explore that merger. There are three vital techniques I want
to teach:

a) Programming Your Internal Alarm
Clock - This is a very simple exercise that will seem stupid
without any context. When I was about 10 years old I wanted to get
up every Sunday morning to watch my two favorite T.V. shows,
Batman and
Bewitched. I
wasn't allowed to get up at 4:00am and watch T.V., so setting an
alarm clock wouldn't work- my parent's bedroom was right next to
mine. But I knew if I could wake up on time, I could sneak
downstairs and use a pair of headphones to listen in silence by
huddling in front of the set. So I would fall asleep Saturday night
after noting the time with only one thought on my mind:
4:00. Over and over I thought of that hour and
without fail, I woke up within 15 minutes of it unlike any
other day of the week. Everyone in the program will be invited
to try this exercise as a precursor to the others. Even if it does
not work for everyone, the other concepts may still have
validity.

b) Satisfying Your Hunger -
Around the same age I found myself in class one day after skipping
breakfast. It was about 10:00am and I was starving with two hours
to go to lunch. My stomach was making noise and physically hurt. So
I began to imagine that I was eating. I tried my best to imagine
every detail - the taste, smell, texture and temperature. I even
chewed and swallowed just a little bit. Then I had seconds, and
thirds. I just continued to imagine I was eating until suddenly, I
felt physically full. I didn't want to eat any longer. This
exercise will also benefit everyone, so that they can experience
changing their physical reality by changing their minds. We will
have a group fast and we will face our fears and hungers
together.

c) Changing Your Reality -
Both of the above exercises are precursors to what I believe is the
most important exercise. If our personality is the synthesis of
conscious and unconscious, then everything we say while we are
awake is heard and reflected back by our unconscious. The time when
we fall asleep is a very important time. By giving the unconscious
certain messages, it will begin to give those same messages
back:

- I am loved

- I am confident

- I am whole

Anyone could choose to manifest
something more specific, but I'd start with these simple ones that
are repeated every night of every week of every month for the
duration.

4) In combination with (b) above, the
Miracle Berry tablets will be an excellent aid
to altering perception and hence, consciousness, without actually
taking a mind-altering drug. When we have a group fast and shared
encounter with hunger, I do not anticipate ever denying anyone. I
envision sitting with fruit and tablets in front of us, doing
imaginary eating exercises just to see how long we can resist, with
no shame at all to anyone who gives in. It will become more of a
game than self-denial.

If possible, I'd like to offer 1-2
week long workshops in remote and beautiful locations. I think you
need to really get people out of their routines and away from their
habits to bring about lasting change.

Even as we address issues related to
obesity, we will also directly confront our issues of body image.
There are powerful biological imperatives in attraction that cannot
be denied. However, understanding them is vital to knowing when
they lead us astray. Many people do not couple in order to have
children, even as their attractors are oriented toward that
biological imperative. Will understanding change biology? I tend to
think not. The most I can ask for is consciousness in the
process.

Mike Lewinski

Denver, CO

December 7, 2009

* Already coupled is a pretty
biased phrase with regard to people who practice polyamory. They are clearly the furthest from our
obvious target demographic even as some probably suffer the same
issues.

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10 Comments

Even as we address issues related to obesity, we will also directly
confront our issues of body image. There are powerful biological
imperatives in attraction that cannot be denied. However,
understanding them is vital to knowing when they lead us astray.
Many people do not couple in order to have children, even as their
attractors are oriented toward that biological imperative. Will
understanding change biology? I tend to think not. The most I can
ask for is consciousness in the process.

It might seem like this last paragraph negates the entire "change
your reality by reprogramming your unconsciousness" mode of
operation. I'll give a specific example.

My last lover told me she liked the way I smell. This is a vital
thing in her choice of partner. I agree as well - if a woman smells
offensive, there is nothing I can do in my mind to change that
perception (short of wholly blocking it with a parlor trick like
the Miracle Fruit tablets, i.e. perfumes).

I know from experience that I can become intellectually stimulated
by (and attracted to) almost anyone with a sexy enough brain when
dating online and odor or appearance aren't issues. So now I see
some major pros and cons to Internet dating that many people don't
acknowledge very well. Though it has really been many years now,
these are the lessons I recall:

1) Growing overly attached (romantically) to someone you've never
met is risky. Either one of you may lose that attraction when you
finally meet, for any number of reasons. Everyone acknowledges that
either the physical attraction is there or it isn't. I've tried to
have relationships with people I wasn't very attracted to
physically, and that simply didn't work for me even as I felt
love for the other as a friend. I feel that such "settling"
does both people a disservice, but there are probably some couples
who are quite content in such a life too and I wouldn't disparage
it if it truly works for them. I also recognize how concepts of
limerence play
into the matter as well.

2) You can find someone "just like you" online. There is some truth
to the "opposites attract" cliché, but probably not for all people
equally. Some of the deeper and enduring relationships that I've
had tended to be with people that I fought with the most too
because of our differences. Stability and normalcy become boring,
which even my cat assures me is a fate worse than death. There's a
bit less of a chance for serendipitous encounters that are
originally based on a mutual physical attraction.

So, back to body image. The Internet lets us put our best image
forward, and that will tend to lead to some (often mutual)
disappointment on finally meeting. Many of the people dating online
haven't been able to find the right relationship elsewhere in part
because they do not fit people's standards of beauty.

Those standards are unhealthy and need to be changed, but again, we
have some limits to what natural selection has favored. For
example, symmetrical faces indicate a desirable gene for
reproduction. An asymmetric face becomes something of a turn-off at
a subconscious level that some people cannot overcome even if they
aren't planning to procreate.

I won't say that it can't be overcome, I will say that few people
lack the motivation to change at that deep of a level. So we will
do what work we can with the larger questions of body image as
presented in media. We will discuss all manner of eating disorder
so that everyone understands why those unrealistic body images are
so damaging and how they can start to change their own perceptions
of advertising. We need to start economically punishing companies
that create unrealistic standards of beauty. Awareness is the first
step.

Jen: on 10-Dec-2009 16:37

I have to admit that I take umbrage with some of your comments on
obesity. You have one line in one of your posts that I've read
today (and I am paraphrasing) that with regard to body fat, if you
simply don't eat, it will burn off eventually.

That may be true-- but to dismiss metabolism as a major source of
weight gain is a mistake. And it sounds like it is spoken by
someone who doesn't have trouble with his weight ;).

Did you see this note I wrote about my own experiences? I am
writing this today as a woman who spent 7 years overweight and then
proceeded to get my body and sense of self back by changing a
medication. That was it. It was that simple. However, the journey
there was not simple, and it was actually destructive in a lot of
ways.

The nature of obesity has been on my mind a lot. I do have some
biases that I don't like and am working on them, but only so far
because I don't want to normalize any unhealthy body images
(whether obese or underweight). I know what I wrote was harsh and
thought about adding some more qualifiers. I often see people in
wheelchairs and think "how could they do that to themselves?" But I
know that in many cases, they aren't in wheelchairs because they
are obese. They are obese because of another disability that put
them in a wheelchair and lacking exercise, had no real hope of
avoiding it while still having a reasonably comfortable life (even
if that obesity will just compound their overall health problems
and shorten their life further).

My problem does come up when obesity itself is treated as a
disability and the person gains status from it as a victim. If
someone is too fat to walk anymore, I feel like we need to give
them nutritional help, a personal trainer, a therapist - whatever
they need to walk on their own again. Giving them a wheelchair is
the wrong response. I do resent people who've let obesity put them
on disability. Some of that resentment is misplaced and I try hard
not to ever make assumptions about anyone in particular when I
don't know their particular issues.

Almost every woman I've ever dated has had weight issues (at least
in her own mind, but not mine). I've done what I could personally
to reassure them that it wasn't a problem for me and provided
copious compliments at appropriate times. Honestly, it wasn't ever
a problem for me, but I probably wouldn't be happy dating someone
who became extremely obese either (I'm not dating any more which is
why I feel a bit more free to just speak my mind on such
things?)

Women's bodies tend to have curves and my own idealized views of
the feminine figure include what is euphemistically called
Rubenesque along the lines that Rubens actually depicted (wikipedia
notes the definition varies widely).

I certainly have no business presuming what body is right for
anyone (except perhaps when poor lifestyle choices begin to drain
public resources). Certainly whatever my idealized views are, they
are just mine and I don't expect any particular woman to conform to
them.

I have found it saddest when women who were truly nowhere near
overweight obsessed constantly. Their intense need to look
beautiful in order to feel they have worth can only be crushed over
time if they cannot shift their own self-images. I know that I lack
the ability to change it for them.

I suspect that Japan's
weight loss mandates was accepted in part because they tend to
have less genetic factors and less obesity in general. If it really
affected more people it wouldn't have been passed as easily?

Right-- I can understand all of these points. And I wasn't sure how
you were defining obesity. I think there is a difference between
curvy, overweight, and obese-- and certainly we can applaud
people's attempts to take care of themselves.

I had to laugh about your comment about the drain on public
resources, because a) you seem pretty liberal (anarchist?), I don't
often hear that complaint from liberals and b) because I [still]
smoke. [Can I take this comment about public resources to mean that
you don't smoke anymore? ;) ] Just this morning, a friend of mine
sent me an email with the following:

"I've begun reading "Filthy Lucre" again, a book I'd started some
while back, and, at about chapter four realized I needed to start
over, take notes, and really absorb the principles. Months went by,
but I've finally started again.

"From the introduction comes this tidbit that I thought you'd
appreciate. He's talking about how rampant economic fallacies are,
and that every time you see a cost-benefit analysis done in a
magazine or newspaper, it's almost always done wrong. Here's the
quote:

'My favourite example of this is when people talk about the "costs"
that smoking imposes upon society. Usually the intrepid antismoking
crusader will add up such things as the value of last wages due to
sickness and absenteeism, along with the cost to the public health
care system of treating smoking-related illnesses like emphysema,
lung cancer, heart disease and various vascular disorders. Yet they
ignore one absolutely fundamental principle: everyone has to die of
something.

'This has some immediate and obvious consequences. Anyone who
doesn't die of one particular thing dies of something else. Thus
all of those smokers who don't die of lung cancer, or who don't die
of heart atttacks, are bound to die of another cause. Whatever this
other cause is, it's likely to be a whole lot more expensive, since
lung cancer is basically untreatable and heart attacks are one of
the cheapest, fastest ways to die. A moment's reflection is enough
to suggests that smokers probably save 'society' a lot of money.
Proper cost-benefit analysis concluded that the average smoker
generated a net benefit to society of 30 cents per pack, before
even factoring in the taxes paid.'

There you go. Smokers are benefitting society... course, they're
doing it by dying younger and faster, but! It's a benefit! The
bottom line is that (second-hand smoke and modelling concerns
aside), you're haming no one but yourself."

So, take that for what it's worth. I know smoking is bad for me. I
do it anyway. That means I am a hypocrite. And even worse, an
informed and educated one.

Back to weight, my initial statements above in this comment, and
also our conversation the other day about personal responsibility:
One of the fundamental problems I had when I was heavier was that
because I *do* try to accept responsibility for my own behaviors. I
*knew* that I wasn't doing anything to warrant being at that
weight. And none of my attempts (running up to 8 miles at a time; 5
on a regular basis; eating non-processed foods) to control or
rectify it did any good. That fucks with your head after awhile.
Not to mention the fact that I felt sluggish, tired, and just bad
in my own skin.

I will conclude this tl;dr with this highly personal and probing
question: Why are you not dating anymore?

I really, really needed to read your note on weight loss.
You've definitely given me a lot to think about.

I did quit smoking a few years ago. I guess I'm less critical of
that behavior than I probably should be? I think one reason why I'm
harder on obesity is that at a certain point, you no longer have to
work (and contribute to your medical care) because your disability
qualifies you for assistance. Does that happen to some sick
smokers? I guess it's a relative thing. I expect the smokers die of
cancer a lot quick by the time they get that far gone to be on
disability. But maybe not. I do see a lot of people toting oxygen
tanks around.

On not dating - I realized after my last relationship that I'm just
not suited for it. I need far too much time to myself. I'm happier
and more comfortable when I'm alone. It's selfishness I suppose, of
the same order that couples who don't have children are
occasionally seen as selfish (I don't see it that way, but some
people do).

I've realized that I have a lot more close female friends than male
friends, but they tend to be women I've dated in the past. I had a
really interesting time last night hanging out with an ex and two
of her friends. We went to see a special pre-release screening of
Nine to benefit
the Global Down Syndrome
Foundation. As part of the ticket admission we all agreed not
to review the movie, but I think I can safely say that it will be
worth seeing (and I'm NOT a fan of musicals normally if that says
anything).

It isn't to say I'll never date again. I might. I'm just too happy
being single right now. I get all the socialization I really need.
I fear I will only disappoint expectations of being emotionally
present and involved as I'd need to be in a relationship. Back to
my selfishness I guess.

Jen: on 10-Dec-2009 19:34

Thanks for the reply. I was wondering if you were exploring
celibacy, and given what you've written about sexuality (True
Blood, anyone?), that didn't really seem to fit.

As the mother of three sons, I absolutely do not view your
decisions as selfish. I need a LOT of time to myself also, and I
have my patience stretched completely thin sometimes in my effort
to be present in my family (I tend to check out for periods, not
hearing them when they talk to me, not really listening when they
talk, and that is bad, but I think it's also part of how I preserve
my own sanity). Studies show that people who *know* they don't want
children are happier than people who have children (regardless of
how much they did or did not want them beforehand). Not many people
with children are comfortable with those studies, but why the hell
not? Being a parent is very demanding. It is hard to be "selfish"
and be a parent, so people who know they need a lot of alone time
and space are smart not to do it. I have no regrets-- but I also
have an ex-husband, and he is keeping the kids overnight tonight so
I can get work done (YES, I am procrastinating-- this is much more
interesting). So, in some respects, I get to have my kids and eat
them too. Wait. Have my cake and eat kids too?
Eat my cake and have kids too. That last one.

BTW, I do recognize a distinction (if I am reading the undertones
correctly) between not dating anymore and celibacy, LOL.

The movie sounds interesting-- I'll have to check it out. After I
finish my deadlines. I am friends with some of my husband's exes,
and I guess some people may view that as odd, but it kind of almost
feels like family. I am not, however, friends with my ex-husband.

LOL at the cake and kids! I have a friend who feels the same about
his daughter who is now off to college. He was divorced when she
was very young, certainly less than 2. I asked him once how he was
able to make that decision. He said they talked about it and
decided she'd have a better chance at finding her own happiness in
life by growing up in two happy homes instead of one unhappy
home.

And thanks for bringing up that True Blood blog because there is a
quote relevant to the topic of Healing Wounds of the Gender
Wars that I meant to incorporate into this blog.

My broadest goals here are inspired by Rilke's vision in Letters to a
Young Poet. It is sad, but I don't think I've yet quoted it
anywhere on this site. Some day it may be on the entrance page,
perhaps over one of the
kiss-in photos:

Perhaps the sexes are more akin than people think, and the great
renewal of the world will perhaps consist in one phenomenon: that
man and woman, freed from all mistaken feelings and aversions, will
seek each other not as opposites but as brother and sister, as
neighbors, and will unite as human beings, in order to bear in
common, simply, earnestly, and patiently, the heavy sex that has
been laid upon them.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

There was a time when I saw some fulfillment of that vision in the
pansexualBDSM community. I
believe there is yet more promise there. But it is hard to sort it
out from the egos and other bad reasons people get involved with it
too. I haven't been to a club or event in many years now, and even
if I wanted to start dating again, I am not sure that is where I'd
turn.

Abstinence is the absence of intercourse (even for an individual
who is married), but celibacy is the avoidance of all forms of
sexual activity (including, but not limited to, the state of
marriage itself).

The articles on this site have been something of an exercise in
Radical
Honesty for me. I hope to take one of those week-long workshops
soon. I feel like I'm at least 75% of the way toward where I ought
to be. Meaning, I can probably write another blog or two with
semi-scandalous personal details and really at this point have no
reason to hold them back. Could all this come back and hurt me
trying to get a job some day? I guess I don't want to have a job
that requires lying about who I am.

Jen: on 10-Dec-2009 21:26

I have mostly stopped blogging, but I struggled with the issue of
Radical Honesty for years. Some of the reasons I have stopped
blogging are directly related to the fact that I was not
comfortable discussing many aspects of my life in a public,
internet venue (such as this, haha). For me, the risks are greater
than future employment: The custody of my children could be
challenged. Whether or not that challenge would be successful
(highly doubtful), many people (especially in the small towns of
the Midwest) are not able to grasp abstract concepts and nuances.
There is risk even in admitting that you have entertained certain
thoughts.

What are these week-long workshops? I think that I do need an
outlet for Radical Honesty (though, honestly, there are things I
wouldn't write about because people whom I care about could be hurt
in very specific ways-- not including their feelings-- if I did).
(If you are curious, we can discuss this via email, but it's pretty
pedestrian. You have my email address on these comments). When I
was going through my divorce, my ex-husband subpoenaed my journals.
It was wildly violating. I don't think I have felt safe as a writer
since-- I never stop looking over my shoulder, and I never take for
granted that what I am writing won't fall into the hands of someone
with nefarious purposes. It's a sad, paranoid place for a writer,
and it frustrates me. I can feel it in my very core-- it is
festering, and I need to find a place for which Radical Honesty is
possible for me. I lie all the time. I even lied in my journals
about being somewhat happy when I was, in fact, completely
miserable. There was enough misery though to secure custody of my
children, though.

None of what you have said seems to violate anyone's privacy or
hurt anyone. I wrote a slam poem a couple of months ago about my
mother's dementia, and it was so mean, so ANGRY, I couldn't bring
myself to perform it in public. Even though she wouldn't be there--
it seemed disrespectful to her position in the Office of My Mother,
even though SHE is essentially gone now. How does one get around
this with Radical Honesty? I wrote the poem, but if I bury it under
a rock, does it exist? Is it a form of journaling, then, if I keep
it away?

Did you ever take non-fiction or any other classes with David Lazar
at OU? I did after I graduated. He would scoff at the
above-paragraph and tell me that I can't be a true writer if I have
those kinds of inhibitions. Maybe not. Maybe I'd rather be a human
being-- a genuine and caring one whose art isn't at the expense of
those I hold dear. Perhaps it's possible to use fiction as a way to
get at truths. I am not a fiction writer though. That's never held
much sway for me.

This is sort of a long and rambling way of getting to a couple of
your points. You have mentioned two things of interest: 1)
pansexualism (dual sexuality) and 2) BDSM.

With regard to 1), I definitely fall in love with women, and I am
also sexually attracted to women. I suppose I consider myself to be
heterosexual because I am in a heterosexual marriage, but I have
had one female lover. As much as I enjoyed the experience, there
were certain things about having sex with men that I missed: the
shape of the male ass, the cock, the stubble, and yes, the smell
(you spoke about that somewhere on here too). The female mouth is
too small, too soft; the ass too heart-shaped; the face too soft;
and the smell-- well, my lover wore perfume, and I am not a fan, so
that was difficult. So, I wouldn't say that I would never have sex
with a woman again-- but that also would bring complications to my
life.

My husband and I have talked about polyamorism extensively
(speaking of pansexualism), and even pursued it in small ways
(mostly online, but a bit in real life). (I fear going to clubs
anywhere near here, but I admit I am curious). I am not opposed to
the idea in theory-- but in practice, I have found that most people
[I have encountered] who are open to polyamorism are, for lack of a
better word, crazy. And so it's the actual people I have a problem
with, rather than the concept.

Also, back to what you said in another post about how pornography
can help a man in a monogamous relationship-- we have talked about
that extensively as well. And the inclusion of another woman or
couple or man in our bed. However, at times, this exploration was,
cough, conducted without my knowledge, and suddenly it felt very
much like betrayal.

2) With regard specifically to BDSM, I actually have a membership
to a BDSM site, LOL. I developed it as a joke, actually, and found
myself drawn into it in ways I did not expect (nice, Mormon
upbringing and all). I am not disclosing which one here. I have
enjoyed myself on there, but I tend to agree with your assessment
that the reasons why some people are attracted to that lifestyle
are due to misogyny or self-hatred. I generally hold that most of
these people need lots and lots of therapy, and I don't go out of
my way to be active there anymore. For some reason, though, I have
not de-activated my account and have logged inm on and off, in the
past month or two, so there must be something there I am not
finished with yet. I discovered, to my intense surprise, that not
only do I enjoy fantasy elements of BDSM and enjoying erotica about
it, but that I am also about as far from submissive as I could be.
So, I did learn things about myself and my own sexuality from it,
and that was fascinating.

I will conclude this comment (and hope it has some sort of
cohesion) (if this is not Radical Honesty, you or your readers must
be wondering what the HELL I can't blog about-- but I tend to think
that I'm pretty safe here-- no last name and all, and no mutual
friends on FB that I know of) by saying that I hold two opposing
ideas at the same time, and yes, it does lead to a certain amount
of frustration and misery (at times) (remember Keats' negative
capability here): I don't think monogamy is natural or really even
possible. However, I persist in believing that I am in a monogamous
relationship. So, technically, I find myself in a situation that by
my own definition does not exist.

Isn't negative capability great?

Jen: on 10-Dec-2009 21:34

* that should read enjoy writing erotica, though I like reading it too, LOL.

Wow, I'd forgotten all about negative
capability, thank you! - that is very useful to me right now.
It completely describes my approach in some ways. A new rainy-day
project (because I spend so much time outside these days) will be
to pursue some of the results of the Google query for
Heisenberg uncertainty and negative capability.

We're on the same page on so much. There are some people doing
polyamory with integrity, but they are in the minority I think. A
lot of them would be better off just going to the swinger community
and not pretending its about something else.

I'm really horrified to hear about your journals being subpoenaed.
I just cannot image.... I completely understand the ramifications
of custody. There are people out there who figure that if a parent
comes out later as gay, it is better for them to hide that and live
a lie in the closet than expose their children to such
"immorality". Tragic.... From my time in both the pagan and BDSM
communities, I've come to appreciate the custody issues as it
affects other people.

I've got about 10 other relevant thoughts, but this and our other
FB conversations have dovetailed in so many places that I'm just
going to stop here for now (especially as I just crashed the
browser with this draft unpublished). But on the question of the
Radical Honesty workshops, the site is here but they currently only
have one on
the schedule and it is a shorter 3-day. I have heard there will
be more week-long ones scheduled for the spring, probably in
Shenandoah.