It's right there in the headline, so I shouldn't have to say this, but I will anyway, because, if nothing else, it's fun to type in all-caps: SPOILER ALERT.

Look at this official ABC photo of Emily Maynard as the Bachelorette. Look how easy, breezy, beautiful (TM Covergirl) she is! That ring doesn't quite work with the pastel tie-dye top and black pants, but whatevs. Her hair is like pure, silken gold, and her face, well ... it's a good thing that the technology from the movie Face/Off doesn't actually exist, or else Emily might need to sleep with one eye open, lest one of the less facially fortunate of us try to break into her luxury hotel suite and force a face-trade. Not that I've looked into it or anything. SHE'S EXTREMELY PRETTY, IS WHAT I AM SAYING.

Last we checked in with sweet Emily on our creepy quest to find out the secrets of her Bachelorette quest for love before they air, we learned that in her first two weeks in North Carolina with her 25 to 17 original suitors, she slow-danced twice, scaled a building and performed with the Muppets. You know, typical "first date stuff." Then Emily and her remaining man-brood jetted off to Bermuda, where spoilers have proven only slightly harder to come by. But they're still coming! So here's what's new:

More Date #1 Details: Apparently Emily decided to put the whole "single mom" thing front and center on her first one-on-one date with personal trainer Ryan, kicking it off by attending her daughter Ricki's soccer game. "The game was at Ricki's elementary school, and they filmed the girls
practicing," a so-called friend of Emily's (who also called Maynard a "wannabe trophy wife") said. "Emily and Ryan stood on the
sidelines with the other parents."

May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor: Bachelor producer Robert Mills tweeted that Emily's second group date in NC was "Hunger Games inspired" -- which sounded like a joke (at least to me) at first, but some of the spoiler sites are speculating that one of Emily's guys won that private fireworks show as a result of being the last man standing in the "game."

One word: DOLLYWOOD! Let me repeat that word again: DOLLYWOOD! Mike Fleiss kinda-sorta confirms. The question is: Will the real live Dolly Parton appear on this mystery date? And the follow-up question is: WILL I DIE of ecstasy when that happens?