mrbrown's blog containing his popular and satirical musings on the dysfunctional side of Singapore life, and Home of the National Conversation since 1997.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

SNE Part 107

Singapore National Education Part 107 -- by mr brown
Weeks of 10 Mar 2005 to 17 May 2005

[post continues in Extended Body...]

I have also learned lately:

1. That your mother may hear your Fatboy Slim album with all the scratching and tell you that your CD is spoilt already.

2. That it is unparliamentary to use words like "shit" and "rubbish" in parliament. And also asterisk-asterisk-asterisk-asterisk.

So how do MPs discuss the budget for cleaning up the er, unwanted items thrown by Singaporeans?

"NMP chided for bad language in House
By Laurel Teo

A FOUR-letter expletive and another impolite word blurted out in Parliament earned new Nominated MP Ong Soh Khim a stiff admonition yesterday for 'dishonourable conduct'.

The mechanical engineering academic was apparently heard uttering the word '****' once and 'rubbish' several times at the close of a debate on the Education Ministry's budget on Tuesday. By the way, it was sh1t that she uttered.

Her conduct was brought to the House's notice yesterday by Speaker Abdullah Tarmugi, midway through the seven-hour parliamentary session."

3. That maybe new MPs, nominated or otherwise, should have an initiation or orientation course on what constitutes unparliamentary language.

"Thank you for attending Unparliamentary language 101. Today we cover the first set of unparliamentary words you cannot utter in Parliament:

4. That the Traffic Police are considering Subaru WRXs to replace some of their current patrol cars.

It will be driven by specially selected personnel assigned to the Boxer Engine Elite Nuclear-powered Group (BEENG) unit. Members of the public who wish to sign up to be part of this elite force will need a minimum qualification of being able to squat for long periods of time, and make sucking noises.

5. That the deafening silence you hear online is people not talking about anything from Straits Times Interactive since they went subscription-only.

The speed at which something can become irrelevant is astounding.

6. That there is such a thing as a "broad elite".

7. That there is such a thing as "inclusive elite".

8. That in order to be the right kind of Singapore elite, you have to be not very elite. Or at least not be obvious about it.

9. That my 18-month-old son's idea of dancing is nodding and shaking his head. Oh no, my son is into "Tetno"!

10. That the difference between a dad and a mom is that, the dad will laugh when his toddler son hits his head while trying to retrieve his ball from under the cupboard, while the mom will fuss and get upset.

11. That according to my friend Pipples, there is one safety tip you must never ignore. Never shave your pubes with an electric device.

Especially while in the shower.

12. That the Singapore Pools should run a pool on whether how the Gahmen decision on the casino will turn out.

Yes casino odds: 1 dollar pays 1 cent

No casino odds: 1 dollar pays $10000000000000000000000000

Update: the results are out. Gahmen won the jackpot.

13. That some first-time drug offenders can get discount off their jail terms.

While other first-time drug offenders kena at least one year. In fact, you can get two years for possession of ecstasy.

But hey, cocaine. No pain.

14. That if you are Elite, your jail sentence also Elite. Elitely low.

15. That Hongkong is not the only place with "One Country, Two Systems".

16. That State Executive Council member for tourism, Freddy Long, has accused the Singapore press of playing up crime stories in Johor and causing them to lose nearly one million potential Singapore visitors last year.

Here's a radical suggestion to stop the evil Singapore press from running these stories on crime in JB: Eliminate the actual crimes.

That way, the Singapore press will have nothing to write about. It's a craaaazy idea, I know, but hey, it just might work.

Besides, this is all very unbalanced reporting anyway. The Singapore press may be only focusing on JB crimes that happen to Singaporeans. The truth is, many Malaysians are victims of JB crime too. So you see? It's actually safe in JB!

17. That it is not true that JB is unsafe. Some of the robbers actually just want your money, and will not hurt you if you give it to them.

None of that Singlish one, ok? All this leh and lah is going to be banned, or else how to be grober city?

Oh, you can be creative and use pop music and even rap/hiphop to teach your students good English. Because as we all know, hiphop slang is actually a real language, used by diplomats all over the world, not like Singlish like that.

24. That Singaporeans must have good English, because we are going to have world-class casinos and it will be appalling if our cash-cow foreign tourists come here and get told "Buay sai bet liao".

And jackpot machines may be named "Pookie Machines" by mistake.

"You want to play Pookie?" is not something we want our people to ask tourists.

"Don't issue thunderbolts of wisdom from the top of Mount Olympus. You’re talking about the people of the world and what makes them go. That’s the ballpark we play in. Running the government is the ballpark they play in. Those are two different games. Both sides have to be open and flexible."

"Telling us 'show us your work' and then asking us how to create something in Singapore as best we know and in a way that’s not repugnant or antithetical to the sensibilities of the city is a perfectly valid instruction."

"There's an awful of of control and direction in the documents we've received which, frankly speaking, is unsophisticated. It's control and direction given by people who've never done this before. I don't think its appropriate to tell someone: Give us an attraction that's irresistible, that will reach India and China - but we'll tell you how to design it."

"And if someone does something that's offensive, you reject it, plain and simple. But don't tell an expert how to do an expert's job. You ask."

Aiyah, Mr Wynn, you dunno meh? Singapore Gahmen very smart one. Everything they also expert. Including how to build casino.

Like that you Wynn liao lor.

26. That want to president also need to have COE.

SINGAPORE : Home Affairs Minister Wong Kan Seng has said anyone who wants to stand for the Office of the President must apply to the Presidential Elections Committee for a Certificate of Eligibility.

27. That the criteria to qualify to run for President in Singapore pretty much excludes most opposition party members.

"The criteria for presidential aspirants are these: They must be at least 45 years old, and have at least three years' experience as ministers, heads of statutory boards or key government agencies, or have headed a company whose minimum paid-up capital is $100 million, or have equivalent experience."

No word on whether the next president needs to use Code 10 or Brylcreem on their hair or not. And I think when they said equivalent experience, President of the Chess Club does not count.