A Four-Year-Old Reviews the French Laundry

Reviewing
notable restaurants via the simple yet extremely judgmental palate of a
four-year-old has kind of become a “thing” here at the Bold Italic. Back since
our second restaurant, whenever anyone has asked how I plan to end the series,
I’ve always said that if we were ever able to get a four-year-old to review the
French Laundry, that would be it. Looks like I’m going to have to eat my words
(or have Isla take photos while a four-year-old eats them), because here we
are, already, and these things are WAY TOO CUTE to stop now.

For our
fifth installment, extreme fanciness
edition, we took Lyla Hogan (favorite food: “good ice cream in a hard cone”) to what Anthony Bourdain has
called “the best restaurant in the world, period.” (It won that title
officially in 2003 and 2004 and is still the #1 restaurant in California
and #3 in the country). Lyla is the youngest person to eat a full tasting
menu at the French Laundry. With all the widespread and well-earned prestige of
the restaurant, it’s not difficult to find countless multiple-syllable reviews
from professional critics. Here we prove that there is no purer critique than
the facial expressions of a teeny tiny child.

Avocado Cornet

Avocado and lime crème fraîche wrapped in a sesame-seed tuile

The meal began with a salmon cornet amuse-bouche.
Lyla’s bouche is staunchly unamused
by salmon (rather, she’s allergic), so the kitchen made her a special avocado
version. She was pretty skeptical after discovering that it was NOT a tiny ice
cream cone but forgave the staff eventually and gave it a try.

Summer Melon Soup

Fresno Chili, Toasted Cashews, and Wild Arugula

The soup, or the bowl of art that TFL is calling
soup, came out as the first official dish. After all five and a half hours of
eating, Lyla said it was her favorite part of the whole meal.

Oysters and Pearls

TFL’s signature “melted popsicle fairy-soup”
is a hard act to follow, and this was one of two dishes that Lyla just
straight-up refused to try. One hopes the regret won’t be too deep when she
Googles her name 20 years from now and realizes that she once passed up TFL
caviar.

Citrus-Cured Pacific Yellowtail

Brokaw Avocado Purée, Cilantro Shoots, and Finger Lime Vierge

NOPE. Not going here either.

Ginger Ale

Lyla was obsessed with the ginger ale. She
drank so much of it that she had to take more than one trip to what she called
“the most elegant bathroom I’ve ever
seen.”

Hen Egg Custard

With a Ragoût of Périgord Truffles

Lyla was shocked by this dish. SHOCKED! She
insisted that it was NOT a real egg because, as she said, “They can’t get the
top of it off without cracking it!” Once she got in there, though, she loved
it, even if she was tenaciously confused about what exactly was inside the “definitely
not an egg” shell, explaining, “To me, the chicken inside is a fluffy marshmallow.”
(It was neither.)

Tour de Canapés Viande

To adults this course was charcuterie heaven.
(Do you like bacon? Cool. Imagine if the French Laundry made you some bacon.)
To Lyla, though, this was a one-way ticket to Breadsville, and she had the key
to the city. We had to ask for more because she ate all of it, but then she ate
most of the second round as well.

Jardinière de Légumes

“At least it’s a salad, but it’s not very much salad,” she said, finally
giving a voice to pretty much everyone’s internal monologue at most “small plates”
restaurants.

Lyla was pretty satisfied with the tasty–albeit
petite–salad, but she had some rather
unsettling tasting notes regarding certain elements.

“This pepper tastes like babies.”

When I accused her of eating a baby after she
chewed up half the pepper, she explained, “No, I just ate the legs and the feet,
not the eyes or the mouth.”

Touché.

(So sweet, but she ended up just cutting it to bits on the tablecloth.)

Bread

EVERYBODY TRY TO CHILL OUT. IT’S MORE
BREAD!!!!! I believe this was supposed to accompany the
upcoming lobster, but who gives a crap. IT’S BREAD. This bread came with two types of molded
butter, which Lyla had opinions on.“It looks like the house that bees live in. AND
I HATE BEES!”

Herb-Roasted Elysian Fields Farm Lamb

Cabot Clothbound Cheddar

Dessert

I’m not going to list descriptions for all
the desserts, because HOLY CRAP they never ended.

Bonbons

Because what goes with dessert better than MORE DESSERT!

In the end, Lyla was impressed with the
French Laundry. Apparently, when her mom told her that their next dinner out
would be pizza, she said, “But I want to go to the French Laundry. WHY CAN’T WE
GO TO THE FRENCH LAUNDRY?” Champagne tastes, that one. Or rather, ginger-ale
tastes in a champagne glass.