Harry & Meghan: A Royal Romance

Life’s big events reunite friends and family, especially a happy event like a wedding. Welp, our bestie Meg is getting married next week so TVRD is back from hiatus, baby. We’re super psyched about the royal wedding because of our personal ties to the bride and groom. Elaine has watched Suits and visited Buckingham Palace and Kensington Palace so that counts, right?

Anyway, Lifetime will surely handle this in a purely factual and artistic manner. Oh, who are we kidding? This is going to be a glorious shitshow in a fascinator. Have yourself a glass of Tignanello with a side of shame and let’s go!

The Prince Harry Origin Story Fairy: Ello, Guv’Nor. Let’s have a cuppa while I reduce Harry’s complex life down to three episodes. His mum died, he wore a Nazi outfit and got nekkid in Vegas. Welp, peace out. No reason to fill in the blanks when the writers are making this up anyway.

Prince Harry: Hi, I’m a prince. And according to the iffy narrative going on in this movie, a douche. I thought you might be ugly so my manservant is going to interrupt in a while so I can get out of this situation. Too bad I don’t have opposable thumbs, if I did, I’d know to Google you.

Meghan Markle: Hi, I’m Wallis Simpson. I’ll probably be snapping and neck rolling before the next commercial. And, so help me Jesus, if that commercial is sexist, Imma cut a bitch up in here.

Prince Harry: Invictus games.

Meghan Markle:Suits.

Prince Harry: I love you.

Meghan Markle: I love you too.

Prince Harry: Let’s go to Botswana.

Meghan Markle: Okay.

Prince Harry: Here we are in Botswana. I’m now going to freak you out with this big snake.

Meghan Markle: Say, what now?

Prince Harry: My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.

Meghan Markle: What?

Prince Harry: It’s gonna take a lot to take me away from you. There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do. I bless the rains down in Africa.

Meghan Markle: Okay.

Prince Harry: Now that we’re in love I have to go home and make everyone lose their shit.

Back at Buckingham Kensington Clarence House Palace

Prince Harry: Hi, Kate. Hi, Uncle Prince Andrew.

Prince William: I’m not Uncle Andrew, Harry.

Prince Harry: Sorry! Hi, Uncle Prince Edward.

Prince William: I’m your brother, Harry.

Prince Harry: Oh, sorry. Aren’t we supposed to be three years apart? Why are you 50?

The Royals: Hi. We need a composite character for the audience to hate. Here’s Bella.

Meghan Markle: Okay. Hi, Bella.

Bella: Hi. I’m really bitchy but I also don’t actually exist.

Meghan Markle: I’ve heard enough.

Prince Harry: Hey, girl. Why are you outside by yourself? Didn’t you have fun talking to that composite character?

Meghan Markle: Nope.

Prince Harry: Was she racist? Was she an online troll?

Meghan Markle: Forget it.

Prince Harry: No! I will not. She’s a troll. Trollllllllllll!

Meghan Markle: I’m going home.

Racists gotta racist. Trolls gotta troll. In one of the few factual elements, Prince Harry is having none of it. Once the press starts throwing shade, he releases that statement. The one that launched a thousand swoons. But Meghan Markle is not swooning. She mad. She so mad. In a made-up scenario, Meghan Markle is at home with her mom, Doria Ragland, when she hears about the statement on the news. It goes like this.

Back in London, it’s time for Pippa Middleton’s wedding. In real life, though Meg wasn’t at the ceremony, she attended the reception, but screw reality. In this version, Meg was sort of snubbed which probably delights old legendary racist Princess Michael of Kent. Though the timeline is different, that hag did show up at a holiday event with a Blackmoor brooch. Next week, Princess Michael will have to curtsy to HRH Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex.

Unfortunately, the movie decides to mine Princess Diana’s death for tension and Prince Harry starts blurting out lines about his mother’s flaws. The whole thing is unseemly. At some point, a lion strolls into the scene to glower at Meghan and Harry. It’s random AF. I don’t know what that was all about. Moving on. Blah, blah, blah, Queen. Yes, finally, Liz is in the house! Or the palace. Harry takes Meghan to Buckingham to meet granny. Exposition ensues. Sweet, black, baby Jesus, this movie is 2-1/2 hours. Let’s wrap it up and get to the roast chicken.