Time travelers didn’t stop Donald Trump – here’s why

Time travel skeptics rejoiced when the inauguration of Donald Trump as the 45th President of the United States went off without a hitch, assuming that if changing the past would ever become possible, this would be the best moment to intervene on behalf of the future. Sadly for them, physics and sociology suggest that not only DID time travelers play a part in the WWE Hall of Fame game show host’s rise to become the most powerful person on Earth — they actually orchestrated the whole thing.

Look, okay, yes — although nothing in physics explicitly prohibits going back to your past, it just doesn’t make sense. You’d have to find a way to travel faster than light, which is theoretically possible if dragged through space by the spinning of an enormously dense object, like a black hole or your mom.

But everyone knows that once you got there, any major change would probably erase you from existence. Forget that; any change at all would do it. Consider that every ejaculation contains 20 million sperm cells, with only one lucky winner. Your dad smacks that gigantic ass one extra time, and someone else crosses the finish line.

Simpsons did it.

Quantum physicist Hugh Everett reaches from beyond the grave to ask, “So what?” Ours is only one of an infinite number of universes, he thought, with new ones being spawned every time a wave function collapses — i.e. whenever anything happens. The rhythm method fails, and Daddy Appleseed creates 20 million new universes, one for you and each of your sackmates. But yeah, that Sizzler gift certificate you got him for Father’s Day should balance things out.

If someone appeared in the past, then, it wouldn’t be his or her own past — that very action would begin an entirely different, additional universe. So go ahead, kill your own grandfather. Fu*k it; kill everyone! How much does any one planet matter when it has endless duplicates?

Psychologists and NASCAR ratings have shown that people like to watch car crashes, so why not create one on a global scale? A massively multiplayer Truman Shitshow to beam back to the home dimension, one filled with enough hilarity and horror to make sweeps week sponsors create 20 million new universes in their pants.

Is there any other reasonable explanation for the real-life election of Bad-Rug Lex Luthor? Given the events of the last year, the only conclusion any objective observer can draw is that time travel happens, Everett’s “many worlds” quantum mechanics interpretation is true, and vaunted scholar Seth Green was right when he warned us years ago.

Time travelers are dicks.

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