Military Pushes For Same Broad Rules Of Engagement As Civilian Police Forces

KABUL, Afghanistan — Senior American commanders in Afghanistan are pushing for more permissive Rules of Engagement (ROE) to put their troops on par with domestic law enforcement, Duffel Blog has learned.

“Just because we’ve changed the operation name doesn’t mean this isn’t still a war,” Gen. John F. Campbell, commander of American forces in Afghanistan, said at a joint press conference. “If we’re going to permanently pacify an entire population, we need to think less like the UN, and more like the NYPD.”

Large civilian police departments like those of New York City, Chicago and Los Angeles, have long been the envy of more aggressive military units.

The consensus among troops that they have been hamstrung by mincing, limp-wristed bureaucrats is as ubiquitous now as it was in the latter years of the Vietnam War. According to a Pew Survey of deployed personnel, a staggering 91 percent replied ‘agree’ or ‘strongly agree’ when asked for their response to the statement, “My job would be easier if I were allowed to choke people to death for no reason.”

“Right now, I’ve got a bunch of cosmo-sipping congressmen and self-serving, careerist POGs telling me how to do my job,” said Capt. Miles Corgan of the 10th Mountain Division. “If my guys could be even half as aggressive as a small town cop, this war would have been won in ’07.”

According to an internal memorandum obtained by Duffel Blog, the initial phase of the plan is already underway. CIA operatives are engaging with members of the Afghan Loya Jirga to distribute large quantities of crack cocaine to the country’s poor population while simultaneously introducing stricter drug laws. The tactic is “time-tested and stunningly effective in other countries,” the memo states.

Furthermore, a small pilot program of Police Advisory Teams, comprised entirely of police officers in National Guard infantry units, have been operating in the capital since the summer of 2014.

“Best kill teams I’ve ever worked with,” said Ibrahim Maqal, an Afghan National Army Commando. “Those dudes will earhole a kid for picking up a rock. My dream is that law enforcement in Afghanistan can someday be as free and liberal as it is in America.”

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Erik is a Specialist in the Army and always will be. He enjoys romance novels, hitting people while they're playing board games, magnets, goats who beat up other goats, the really upsetting parts of the internet, Werner Herzog's voice and, from time to time, your mother.