Sunday, April 20, 2014

BY LARISSA MRYKALO This week's "Game of Thrones" begins with an overlapping of last week's glorious Purple Wedding episode and then takes off running. Not only do we get to flinch and clench over the antics in King's Landing, but we get to catch up on how The Hound and Arya are doing, as well as the doom and gloom in Castle Black and a literal pissing match in Meereen. Hold on tightly to your cup of Dornish wine, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

An Awkward Repass in King's Landing
It seems like Joffrey's death unleashed a cloud of horny over King's Landing. Maybe it was in that fog where the creepy ship filled with Littlefinger's (call me Petyr) lust for Sansa was residing? Ser Dontos did his duty to Littlefinger and brought Sansa safely to him on the Love Boat but instead of getting paid, he gets murdered. Wait ... did Littlefinger know Joffrey was going to be murdered and Sansa would need refuge? Dontos sure whisked her away quickly as Joff was left spewing snot. Plus, Littlefinger even manufactured that necklace Dontos gave her as a gift for saving his life. Oh that's right, "we're all liars here." The fog and the plot thickens.
Back on dry land, Margaery is pondering her queen status with her grandmother, Lady Olenna. Grams recollects how when her husband died, she had to look at that doughy lump's dead body. Gotta love her bluntness. She tells Margaery, who thinks she's cursed based on her two short-lived marriages, that this really isn't the time to think about if she's the queen or not. Plus, it was probably easier watching Joff die than to be married to him. She reassures Margaery that her next marriage will most likely be much easier.

The last time we saw King Joffrey he was purple and gross and now he's all cleaned up but has creepy eye stones on him. I'm not sure which is worse. Tywin gives his grandson and future king, Tommen, a lesson on what makes a great king. Tommen makes some good guesses (holiness, justice, strength) but Tywin tells him how those qualities lead to the downfall of other kings, including his "father" Robert. "A wise king knows what he knows and what he doesn't." To be a success, a king needs to listen to his advisors (read: grandpa). Poor Cersei is just staring at her dead son while her other son is being groomed to take the position and potentially meet the same fate if he too sucks at being king.

As Tywin walks out and continues to advise Tommen, Jaime walks in. In my head I'm saying "Uh oh, I know what scene is coming." Jaime asks for some alone time with Cersei and their dead son. Cersei pleads with Jaime to kill Tyrion because he basically told her her joy would turn to ashes in her mouth. Jaime hesitates and Cersei continues to plead for him to avenge the death of their baby boy. They embrace and kiss but she pulls away. He's mad at himself for loving such a hateful woman and then end up having rough sex next to their son's casket. Cersei pushes him away but sort of allows it and it's a bit confusing as to just how legitimately rapey this scene is. "It's not right!" "I don't care!" This was about as debaucherous as you can get.

Or wait, maybe a five-way with Prince Oberyn and his lovah, Ellaria Sand took the debauchery prize? A close-up ass shot introduces a sex feast with Oberyn proclaiming that if you're not into both sexes, you're "missing half the world's pleasure." The sexcapade is then rudely interrupted by Tywin, and the lovely naked people scatter by request.

Tywin interrogates Oberyn about his knowledge of Joffrey's death and his vast knowledge of poison as well. Tywin seems suspicious but not really and then offers him a spot on Tyrion's jury in exchange for a meeting with The Mountain...aka the man who raped and murdered his beloved sister. Oberyn wants his revenge. Oberyn is also amused that Tywin needs Dorne but Tywin reminds Oberyn that they need each other thanks to Dany and her dragons. An alliance is formed and Oberyn will sit on the jury with Tywin and Mace Tyrell. Plus he attains a spot on the Small Council.

Tyrion is chained in his cell and Podrick pays him a visit with some provisions. Pod informs him that his trial is pending and that he can call some witnesses. Tyrion is shocked but everyone he mentions is a no-go, including his wife who is missing. Pod also mentions that he was approached and bribed to testify against him. Tyrion begs Pod to send Jaime to him and then for Pod to leave for his own safety. "This is farewell." Tyrion just keeps losing the people he loves and trusts and this sucks.

Bad Doggy!
On their way to Arya's auntie's house, she and The Hound take a break and end up on a farmer's land. They're confronted by the farmer and his daughter but Arya says that her "father" fought for the House of Tully. The farmer becomes a fan and offers them a roof and meal. They break bread and devour rabbit stew with them and the man offers The Hound a job because he looks like a he'd be a good worker and protector. Big mistake. The Hound ends up beating and robbing the poor man and running off. Arya runs off screaming after him. He says they'll be dead come winter anyway and silver is no use to a dead man. What a jerk.

And Thenn the Wildlings Came
Another bad break-up in order to protect a woman? I guess that it's nice of Sam to want Gilly and her baby to be safe. She's the one woman around a hundred horn dogs in Castle Black. She actually wants to know if Sam fantasizes about her like the other men probably do. Damn it, Sam! She likes you. Oh here's a brill idea Tarly, set her up in a whorehouse cleaning and taking care of babies. No pervy dudes would ever come into that establishment. He does make it clear that he doesn't want her doing "other work."

Meanwhile back at a nice village, the Wildlings want to make a point and brutally attack. Ygritte sure as hell improved on her shooting skills, didn't she? A poor young boy has to watch his parents get murdered and a Thenn tell him that he's going to eat them. The Thenn asks the boy if he knows where Castle Black is and as a warning, run there and tell them of this horrid scene.

The boy safely arrives and informs them of the attack. The Wildlings are trying to get them to let down their defenses and attack them when their job is to be protecting the wall. Oh hey there, Jon Snow, nice to see you! What say you? Things are really getting messy here and when two of Craster's men stumble into the camp, they realize how weak they are and this needs to be resolved. This whole scene was a bit confusing but will certainly be clarified, albeit in a messy way.

Reading Rainbow
Stannis wants Ser "I'm All Fancy, I Can Read Now" Davos to read a letter informing them of Joffrey's death. Stannis is all freaked out that the leech he threw into the fire at Melisandre's urging is what killed his nephew. Davos assures him that houses are behind him to assist in his attaining the Throne but Stannis isn't impressed. Davos then reminds him that soldiers win wars, not visions or prophecies.

School is now in session. Davos visits Shireen for his reading lesson. They discuss the difference between pirates and smugglers and read from a book about Bravos. Davos gets a brilliant idea to have Stannis' daughter pen a letter to the Iron Bank of Bravos, posing as her dad. Oh that crafty smuggler! Let's just hope she doesn't dot the i's with hearts.

Best Introduction Ever!
Dany and her bitchin' entourage arrive at the entrance of Meereen. Meereen is the largest of the Slaver's Cities and she's come to release the slaves as she's done in Astapor and Yunkai. The curious and concerned residents look on and a single rider is released for their large door. He is a champion and one of her champions is to fight him. He mocks her and her castrated army by taking a piss. The men close to her offer to fight him but they are too valuable to her. Then, Daario steps up to the plate. He came from nothing and will die with nothing so hey, let me handle this, babe. She agrees.

Daario then pulls the "I don't need no stinking horse." card and stands there smugly as the horse charges at him. Did you love that wink as much as I did? As the horse and rider approach, he whips out a dagger, knocks it a little kiss and takes down the horse and then the rider. I bet his heart rate didn't rise about 75. Arrows fly at him and he too takes a piss. This was an overall epic scene that only got better.

Dany introduces herself to the stunned crowd by informing them that she will free them of their slavery and that they're sleeping with the enemy. Then, her army catapults chambers full of slave collars at the city. This seemed a bit dangerous, no? The slaves note that she's not full of crap and that they might stand a chance at freedom. Maybe the slaves should just pee on their masters?

What did you think of this week's episode? It wasn't as jaw dropping as last week's except for the rapecest.

Tune in to HBO at 9 p.m. ET next Sunday for "Oathkeeper." Here's a peek...