Local

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

GRAND BLANC, MI—In updates that reportedly were becoming both increasingly frequent and less interesting with every new addition, local woman Kate Morris was now just typing her 4-year-old child’s every word verbatim throughout the day as Facebook posts, sources said Thursday.

CHICAGO—Saying that he alone could determine the legitimacy the woman’s claim, area man Luke Haggerty will be the judge of whether coworker Delia Carroll is actually a true baseball fan, sources confirmed Wednesday.

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he didn’t even have a moment to consider his decision, local man Stephen Ashbury acknowledged to reporters Wednesday that he acted on pure instinct when he stood and watched a robbery occur.

PENSACOLA, FL—With everything becoming more and more clear the deeper she dug, local Oceanside Heights Condominium board member Carl Langford began to suspect Tuesday that a bylaw cover-up might go all the way to Deb.

DES MOINES, IA—Saying he planned to hold off for another 20 or 30 years and then assess where things stand, local man Trevor Russell was reportedly waiting to see how a few more decades of racial violence played out before taking any action, sources confirmed Monday.

SAN JOSE, CA—Searching for affordable items to furnish their modest single-room dwellings, the ‘Dorm Room Essentials’ aisle at a local Target was reportedly being browsed Monday exclusively by 30-year-old men with studio apartments.

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

ALLENTOWN, PA—Recognizing that their child is old enough now to have such an important conversation, local parents Nick and Karen Yates reportedly sat down with their 10-year-old son Nathaniel on Monday to have the ‘Sex, Lies, and Videotape’ talk.

TROY, AL—Explaining that the degree of care with which it must be handled has been steadily decreasing over time, local man Peter Shepard confirmed Monday that his laptop had reached the age where it can be lightly tossed sometimes.

WILDER, KY—Distraught over being separated from his comforting, scaly touch, area woman Anika Mitkin told reporters Saturday that she longed for the caress of her boyfriend’s dry, cracked, bleeding hands.

SUNNYVALE, CA—Expressing their concern at the man’s unsettling behavior, uneasy Internet users reported Saturday that some “total creep” has just been hanging around the Entertainment Weekly website all day long.

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—All semblance of harmony lost in the maelstrom of books, electronics, and random keepsakes that lay before him, local man Ron Beck reportedly became grimly aware of what chaos he had wrought 20 minutes into organizing his bedroom shelves Wednesday.

FULLERTON, CA—Having grown up seeing few characters he could relate to on the big screen, local man Jake Champney, who once jumped a motorcycle onto a hijacked bullet train, told reporters Tuesday that he never thought he’d see the day when Hollywood would tell stories like his.

CINCINNATI—Stunning observers with the reckless and arrogant overextension of their modest business, local restaurant Angelo’s Pizzeria was making a foolhardy attempt at a second location, sources reported Monday.

BAKERSFIELD, CA—Citing the frequent and unnecessary missives sent out at all hours of the day, sources confirmed Friday that the league representative from the company Bakersfield Sportz needed to cool it with all the emails.

HUDSON, NY—Saying he felt compelled to personally respond to the actions of a president he views as vicious and corrupt, local dipshit Scott Rudnick announced Thursday his intention to fight the Trump administration through his art.

Ad-Agency Print Buyer Can't Believe They Want To Add A Perf This Late In The Game

LINCOLN, NE–Milt Olberding, a print buyer with L&G Advertising, expressed disbelief Tuesday that Capital City Chrysler owner William "Biff" Brignola wants to add a perforated insert to his ad this late in the game.

L&G Advertising print buyer Milt Olberding.

"A perf? At this point?" said Olberding, 33, upon learning of the change from L&G Advertising account manager Phil Essene. "We were about to put this whole thing to bed. Why didn't Brignola mention this last week when I was giving him quotes for coated?"

Essene, who helped design the full-page Capital City ad slated to run in a 32-page "Great Savings" sales flyer that will be mailed to all Lincoln-area households Monday, said he was "just as blown away" as Olberding.

"I was all set to seal up the Cap City ad and send out a proof, when I get this fax from Brignola asking about a BRM," Essene said. "Talk about a complete 180. I was, like, 'What? Now you want a 4 1/4 corner perf? Do you have any idea what that entails? Hello!'"

According to Olberding, the insertion of the business-reply-mail postcard will not only necessitate the perforation changes, but a switch to heavier paper, as well.

"I was going to go with Blue Lake, but I don't even think they do perfs on card stock," Olberding said. "Brignola had better be prepared to pay for 110-pound weight, because I'm not pulling the Great Savings proofs again. No fucking way. Not at this late juncture."

"I guess if he absolutely insists, it's doable," Olberding continued. "As long as this clown doesn't want to make changes to his ad in Sunday's FSI. He tries to pull that, I swear, I'll laugh right in his face."

According to Olberding, there isn't a major newspaper in the state that would include a 110 in a free-standing insert.

"The problem with guys like Brignola is that they have no concept of the varied distro channels in a market like Lincoln," Olberding said. "Even worse, they're cheap as hell. Brignola's the kind of guy who'd go with a lighted all-weather instead of a door-to-door if it meant shaving a few bucks off his bottom line. No vision whatsoever."

Refusing to accept any changes to the FSI, Olberding is proceeding with the requested modifications to the Great Savings spread only.

"Maybe we can stick with the old Cap City layout, watermark the clip art, and throw the BRM in the corner opposite the bleed, but I doubt [Brignola]'s going to go for that," Olberding said. "If he wants it reworked, we'll have to send it back down to design, but I can tell you right now that [art director] Danielle [Gura] will not be a happy camper. I told her just this morning that the one-page was ready to fly."

Informed of the changes to the Capital City ad, Gura rolled her eyes and placed her hands on her hips.

"Come on!" Gura said. "What is up with this guy? Does he want an 8 1/2 x 11, or does he want a whole friggin' end-aisle display? Maybe he should make up his mind now, before I rework the Quark doc."

Though willing to make the changes, Gura said that if Brignola decides to switch from 4C to B&W when he gets a price quote on the paper upgrade, she will be "royally pissed." Such a change would force her to reshuffle the pagination of the entire flyer to bury the ad in the no-color spread.

"This Brignola reminds me of that guy from Footsavers," Gura added. "He just had to add a samp of the new line extension just when we had his broadside ready to go. Then, on top of that, he had the audacity to ask if he could get a blister pack instead of a gummed attachment. Talk about canceling the wedding when the bride's at the altar. Christ."

More from this section

ALLENTOWN, PA—Recognizing that their child is old enough now to have such an important conversation, local parents Nick and Karen Yates reportedly sat down with their 10-year-old son Nathaniel on Monday to have the ‘Sex, Lies, and Videotape’ talk.

TROY, AL—Explaining that the degree of care with which it must be handled has been steadily decreasing over time, local man Peter Shepard confirmed Monday that his laptop had reached the age where it can be lightly tossed sometimes.

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.