It is said by some that the work of therapy in part is to make the unconscious conscious. For it is only in consciousness that we can choose differently. If we do not know our shoe is untied, we cannot know to tie it. Yet walking around with an untied shoe can cause us to trip and fall. Landing face first on the ground is seldom the place we started out to be. Yet it is in this way that often what starts out as a good intention or a positive goal ends up as a painful and too familiar mess! Whether our aim is to create a healthier relationship or change an unsatisfying part of our life, we likely will not be successful if we are not aware of any underlying, problematic beliefs we carry around about ourselves and about the world. We need to recognize those entrenched beliefs before we can challenge and change them.

In their book Reinventing Your Life Young and Klosko state that one of the things which makes it hard for us to recognize self-defeating lifetraps is that they are so familiar to us, familiar to the point of being automatic and even comforting. We cannot change what we think, feel or do on “autopilot” and we struggle to give up what is comforting. No wonder we can feel doomed to “repeat the same behaviors, yet expect different results!”, one definition of craziness.

So how does one become aware of core beliefs? The questionnaires posed by Young and Klosko are a good place to start. They ask us to examine our early childhood beliefs and experiences about our basic safety, our connection to others, our ability to create appropriate autonomy, our self-esteem, our right to self-expression and the acceptance of realistic limits. In other words we need to look at how we saw ourselves and our world as children. Because that is the time and place we create so many of our lifelong beliefs it is important to challenge any that are still around in our adult life but working against us instead of for us. Some of these lifetraps were appropriate adaptations to our childhood environment, however these behaviors become maladaptive when we continue to use them despite a positive change in our present day world. This would be like continuing to worry about falling over an untied shoelace and checking it frequently, after you have started wearing slip-ons! What once was needed for protection has now become unnecessary at best, and an obstacle to moving forward at worse.

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It would be very impressive if someone had been able to make it through to adulthood without stumbling over at least a few lifetraps. Examining these traps, holding them up to the light and then changing them through conscious effort just might be the key to moving on to a better life and a better you! ﻿

Book Review

Reinventing Your Life

by Jeffrey E. Young and Janet S. Klosko

Was Reinventing Your Life among your New Year’s resolutions? If so reading this same-titled book may be your first step in keeping that commitment! Written by Jeffrey E. Young and Janet S. Klosko this self-help books tackles the concepts of “underlying schemas or controlling beliefs” which may lead to self-defeating behaviors. These schemas, beliefs or “lifetraps” as the authors refer to them, can be difficult to change for a combination of reasons. First off they typically have been part of our lives for so long they feel normal. Secondly, we usually feel stuck in them and unable to shift them by ourselves. And lastly, we are often unaware of their affects upon us and those around us.

Tackling these lifetraps begins with our becoming aware of the patterns of beliefs and behaviors that hold us back from the life we want. After we are aware of these obstacles we need to change the way we perceive and feel about these aspects of our life. While we are learning to do that we also need to practice staying out of those well -worn traps.

Young and Klosko help us to understand which of their eleven identified lifetraps (see FYI) resonate which each of us through the use of a questionnaire. By asking us to rate the truth of descriptive statements as they apply to us in both in our childhood and present day, we are able to pinpoint which if any of these traps have been or continue to be a part of our life. Subsequent chapters then address each lifetrap individually giving helpful information on how these damaging beliefs appear in our lives and prevent us from moving forward. Ways in which to change these destructive influences are assigned to aid us in moving beyond them and as the subtitle promises “ Feel Great Again”. All in all a great resolution for any year! ﻿﻿

﻿Young and Klosko’s Eleven Lifetraps

1.”Please don’t leave me”: The Abandonment Lifetrap

2. “I can’t trust you”: The Mistrust and Abuse Lifetrap

3. “I’ll never get the love I need”: The Emotional Deprivation Lifetrap

4. “I don’t fit in”: The Social Exclusion Lifetrap

5. “I can’t make it on my own”: The Dependence Lifetrap

6. “Catastrophe is about to strike”: The Vulnerability Lifetrap

7. ”I’m worthless”: The Defectiveness Lifetrap

8. “I feel like such a failure”: The Failure Lifetrap

9. “I always do it your way! ”: The Subjugation Lifetrap

10. “It’s never quite good enough”: The Unrelenting Standards Lifetrap