Anecdotes

Two guys are being chased by the bear and one guy says to the other, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you!”

"It's an honor to die for your country; make sure the other guy gets the honor."

There's a story of the 60 year old man that got a 25 year old to marry him. When his friends asked how he did it, he replied, “I told her I was 90.”

Husband: “Will you still love me if I lost all my money?” Wife: “I will always love you but I will miss you terribly.”

“It was sort of like being in a crowd, and everyone stands on tip-toes – your view doesn’t improve, but your legs hurt.”

“When you win you are strong willed, when you lose you are stubborn!”

“What you are speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say.”

In a public debate, one pastor argued, “Unless you first come to church, you will never find the gate to the Kingdom of Heaven.” “No,” answered the other. “Until you first look for the gate to the Kingdom of Heaven, you don’t belong in church."

“A scientist knows science like a fish knows hydrodynamics.”

“Are you absolutely certain you know that thing?” “No doubt, no doubt.” “Fine. Will you sign a sheet of paper that if you are wrong you will hand all your money over to me and commit suicide?”

There is a story about people who went fishing with a net. They examined the fish they caught, and concluded there was a minimum size to a fish in the sea.

Throw a frog in boiling water and it jumps right out. But if you heat the water slowly, it doesn’t notice anything before it’s too late.

Mapmakers deliberately put slight mistakes in their maps so they can tell when someone copies them. If another map has the same mistake, that's very convincing evidence.

Someone who arrives home every day at 5:30 like clockwork is two minutes late one day and causes a panic, while someone who arrives at random times never does.

Procrustes had a bed – a procrustean bed – and when he had a visitor, he cut their legs to make them fit into the bed.

Sports is the voluntary acceptance of unnecessary obstacles. If you circumvent obstacles you voluntarily accepted, core values of the endeavor are lost.

A broken clock is right twice a day.

"I would have written you a shorter letter, but I did not have the time."

Golden rule of tabloid journalism: simplify, then exaggerate.

“You’re an actor trying to walk crooked and talk slurred. A drunk is a man who’s trying to walk straight and talk properly."

It is said that a visitor once came to the home of Nobel Prize–winning physicist Niels Bohr and, having noticed a horseshoe hung above the entrance, asked incredulously if the professor believed horseshoes brought good luck. “No,” Bohr replied, “but I am told that they bring luck even to those who do not believe in them.”