I did it! Or, at least, I will have done it once Wednesday (today!) is over. Two finals left and then *drum roll* GRADUATION! Bah chicka wah wah. Oh, wait, that's a different kind of celebration!

Yeah. Graduation is only a few days away and, obviously, I am thrilled that I survived and managed to conclude my studies in four years (although I'll be in grad school in the fall!). Instead of stepping into the working world, though, I am headed off to my summer internship. Besides, what fun would I have being a responsible, civil, worker in this hyperreal world? I'll come around eventually, I suppose.

Back to the internship. It's going to be quite a journey for me, mainly because I haven't traveled this far alone. In some ways I am scared about what lies in store, in terms of driving that is. I'm positive everything else will be rockin' for the summer, but my questionable car always makes things...eventful. With a little luck, though, I'll make from one good friend's to another as I traverse state lines and put some serious mileage on my tires (that hopefully will not go flat!).

Naturally, I'm excited for the adventure. Thrilled by what may be and what will be. It's the first time I will truly be on my own and I am looking forward to the experience, both the uncertainties and possibilities. Most importantly, I know I will learn even more about myself while on the road, on my own, and in a new place. It's a welcome refresher to a seemingly stagnant life of a soon-to-be college graduate. It's a change and a chance for growth. And, hey, it's a chance for random photos and crazy wild fun with friends I haven't seen in years!

In a time where all is designed to be controlled, the elementary force of our very existence brings an undeniable fusion for a magic moment. This short film is simply about the power that brings us all to life.

Today has been an emotional rollercoaster. Let me preface this further, though. I'm not being emo, but this is probably the most personal post I am about to write.

All my life I have struggled to get where I am going. I have moved from place to place every three to four years. I have had to build new friendships and say goodbye to old friends. I've been all over the place and I have no real home. At college, I struggled to find friends. Since I do not have dependable family nearby, I have struggled to get through personal issues on my own. I have come to rely on myself more than anyone else in this world. I have been my own worst enemy and my strongest ally. In all of this, I have built myself and grown.

When I came to college four years ago, I did not know what I wanted to be. I thought I wanted to do something with computers because I was a major nerd, but after taking two years of intense math courses (Survey of Calculus, Calculus I, etc.) I realized that Computer Science was not for me. What I had come to find, however, was that Communication meant a great deal to me. Part of this was because I was on the speech and debate team. Part of this was because of our amazing debate coach, because he inspired me. Part of this was because of the classes I took, how well I excelled and how much I enjoyed the material. As I switched majors, my conviction that Communication was the major for me never faltered. I finally felt like I found my niche.

Everything progressed this way since then. I quickly realized I wanted to be a professor because I wanted to inculcate fascinating and fun lessons upon young minds. I wanted to do research and make an impact on the field of Communication. I wanted to be an exemplar for my students to follow, just as many of my professors had been.

Today, however, changed that. Even if only slightly. I'm not saying that I doubt myself, my position, my major, or the path ahead of me. However, I do doubt the politics involved in academia.

Today I received a letter notifying me that I did not get the graduate teaching assistantship I applied for earlier in the month. What's most shocking is that, from what numerous professors in the department told me, I was the top undergraduate applicant. However, it appears that I was passed up for some unknown reason at this time. It shocked me. I was numb to it at first. Now that I have had time to sit and think about it, though, things have changed.

For the first time I am truly questioning what I am doing here. I invested too much into this assistantship and now I might not be able to move past it. I needed it for next year and now it is gone. I do not have much to fall back on to, so it is even tougher. There is a chance I might get another assistantship on campus, but there is no guarantee. Plus, it isn't a teaching assistantship, so it is not applicable to what I want to do. Additionally, if I do not get it, I am at a total loss unless I get a job and take out more loans. I'm in a bind.

Moreover, I am conflicted further by whether or not I should stay in attendance here. If I cannot afford it, I do not think I should continue to struggle through when I have had a hard enough time getting through these four years. I have been so strong, but I question how much stronger I can be. My best friend from childhood, Carrie, reminded me that it's always a struggle and that I am going to have to fight for everything I truly desire. She told me that it wouldn't be worth it if I didn't struggle, but even so, I wonder how much more I can take. I agree with Carrie and I truly appreciate her insight. Now it is just a question of whether or not I can carry it through again. I need to reaffirm myself and recharge myself.

At the same time, though, I want to runaway from it all. I feel like everything is crashing down on me and I can't find anything to hold on to. Instead of staying around, I just want to be free of it all. I want to escape. The sad thing is that there is nowhere to run to, nowhere to go. I have to stick it out and figure it out.

I am strong, though. I know I will be alright and I know this isn't the end of it all. I have been through some crazy things before, so this is nothing new. It was just totally unexpected though. But, if I learned anything at all, I learned that this is something I can do. I learned that no matter how hard things get, I will never give up. I will fight as hard as I can to do what I love and what I believe in. I see everything in front of me, everything that lies ahead, and though the road ahead is obscure, my personal strength tells me it won't be so tough if I truly believe in myself.

Apparently cell phone radiation could be killing bees. While you may dislike the nectar (read: regurgitated deliciousness [to some]), the loss of bee populations could lead to decreased pollination creating problems for farmers and gardners alike.

26 days until I get my degree, 29 until I depart for my internship, and 34 until my escape summer job kicks off. Time is tick-tick-ticking away and I'm increasingly excited to leave! Word!

But before I get too excited the biting reality of my situation hits me. It's not going to be that exciting traveling on the open road with half of my crap in the truck (especially in my car!), but at least it will be an adventure! Plus, I have AAA and a cellphone of questionable dependability. Woo! This is starting to sound like the beginning of an adventure fiction book. The more I think about it, the more I feel that it is going to be fun to get away from here this summer. I stayed here last summer and absorbed the sun while studying deep in the dark. It was good, but this summer feels more action-packed, challenging, and somewhat mysterious. It's enticing.

I'm also inherently nomadic and I feel that some uprooting is essential. The bohemian gypsy blood of my ancestors courses through my veins screaming, "It's time to move!" And while I'm not immigrating, I am migrating across the country. Someplace between coming and going, itinerant transit.

I've reached the cornerstone of my undergraduate experiences at college. Later this week I will defend my thesis in front of my professors, colleagues, and friends. It's been an extensive road to trek upon, especially when you take into account my numerous setbacks, stumbles, apprehensions, and anxieties about making it to this point. Yeah, that includes everything over the last four years (of which, my blog certainly can attest to).

Even so, I've made it to this point. I'm almost done with this year and with my undergraduate degree. I'm edging it out to the end and aiming for the highest marks I can possibly obtain in my final hours. It's all ahead of me, but soon enough it will all be behind me. Ah, nostalgia!

What perplexes me the most at this time, though, is not where I am nor where I will be, but rather who I am. If I am a composite of everything I have experienced (and I believe I am), then I am greater than most things I have faced. If I am composed of all these accomplishments and improvements, then I can go beyond where I currently am at any point in time and be the person I am. I know I doubt myself from time to time, but mostly because, in my solitude and self, I am itinerant. I am still malleable, moldable, still in motion. I'm still figuring out who I am, and I am certain that I will continue to until my dying day.

Yet, as I look back, I know I have grown, but I feel that I have mountains upon mountains to climb before I am adult enough. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of something new once again, but I'm afraid of what may come and what may become of me. I know I should not fear it. I revel in the growth engendered by change in my life. I feel strengthened by overcoming obstacles, setbacks, and misfortunes. I feel better in transition than in stagnation. I feel more alive. More human. More me.

Though I tread the road ahead with cautious uncertainty, I feel comforted by the wealth of experience, knowledge, and potential held within. I feel the threads of fate pulling me forward, pushing me every which way; though I see not what lies ahead of me. Increasingly, I feel ready to move, to be and to become. Though the ground ahead may give way, and though I may falter from time to time, my belief in myself will not fade nor flag. I will be because I believe.

Perhaps the sleep deprivation is getting to me, but I generally feel better today. Even though I am still irked by the issues dicussed in the previous post, the wonderful weather here has brightened my day.

Now, do I go to my class and fall asleep or do I soak up some sun while reading a good book and fall asleep? Tough decision.

WARNING! The blog post you are about to read is a part emo, part rant. In general, these two items should not be mixed, especially with alcohol! Luckily I haven't been drinking, though I wish I could at this moment.

I'm assuming that if you're still reading, you're interested enough to know what could be so emo-depresso about graduating and moving. Well, nothing is really emo-depresso. In fact, I'm excited about graduating. Shit, son! I've been here for four years and I am finally getting out of here...only to return...after...summer. Aside from that last part, I'm totally psyched. Graduation is well on its way and I am buying my cap and gown tomorrow. Everything, academically speaking (except my grades, I hope!) is down hill from here.

Unfortunately, this semester's eventual end has hit a tumultuous clusterfuck. I use that term rarely, but I honestly have no other way to describe this. The only reason I am writing about it right now is because I need to get it off my mind so I can finish some other work that needs to get done. The issue: moving.

Now, you would probably think that after moving around about five or six times from elementary school on through high school would make me a hardened veteran of moving. At least, I thought it did. Turns out that some moves are easier than others. This transition happens to be one of the worst at the moment. I'm not saying that things won't get better in time, but right now that suck. I've been looking for a place to rent before I leave for my internship this summer and time and time again my brother has failed to follow through. He won't look at the places I find, he won't help me decide, and he isn't helping pay various bills at our current place. Yes, he is older...but he doesn't act like it.

I guess what amazes me is that no matter how hard I try to explain the gravity of the situation to him, he doesn't care. It's like I'm still the little brother. I'm still supposed to be looked down on. He's still stuck in that older brother complex where he thinks he has to be a dickhead. Or, perhaps, he's wrapped up in his pseudo-testosterone rage where he won't let me get a word in because it makes him mad to hear the truth. Either way, it's pissing me off. I am tired of dealing with him. I am tried of living with him. I'm tired of him mooching off of me. I'm tired of all of it.

I just want things to be simple. I want to move out of here into a cheaper apartment or house before I leave for the summer. That's it. It shouldn't be that hard. But, when it comes to my brother, it always is.

I just wish I could feel comforted in the generic response that almost everyone has given me of "it will get better," but I can't. It's been this way for the last month and nothing has changed.

The only thing I can do that will affect him is canceling the lease through the notice to vacate. I did not want to resort to this scenario, but since I will be gone within the next month, I think it's what I am going to do. Maybe then he'll grow up and act his age. Maybe.

About Me

More About Me

Calm, collected, and cunning grad student with a yearning for learning, itinerantly flowing without ever knowing where I am going. Working on his Ph.D.; recently received an M.A. degree. Garrulous, gregarious, jocular and hilarious. Erudite but often staying up way past midnight. Driven, knowing everything will be alright. The exception to the rule; a research tool(!). Never afraid to speak, often sleek, rarely weak, but always an unashamed communication geek.