Alpha Resource Centerhttps://www.alpharesourcecenter.com
Thu, 21 Feb 2019 17:52:57 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=5.0.3Tips for Managing the Holidays during Separation or Divorcehttps://www.alpharesourcecenter.com/new-beginnings/tips-for-managing-the-holidays-during-separation-or-divorce/
Fri, 30 Nov 2018 18:59:48 +0000http://alpharesource.wpengine.com/?p=670The holiday season is here! For most people, this is the happiest Christmas Candles & Baublestime of the year. For those that beginning or completing a separation or divorce, they may be dreading the holidays. Whether you are spending Christmas … Read More

]]>The holiday season is here! For most people, this is the happiest Christmas Candles & Baublestime of the year. For those that beginning or completing a separation or divorce, they may be dreading the holidays. Whether you are spending Christmas in a different house, with different people, with a new and different budget, you will be facing obstacles. Here are a few suggestions for coping:

Allow some time to grieve

In the flurry of holiday activity, it’s possible to push our feelings away or stuff them down with food, alcohol or just busy-ness. Take some time away from activity to talk about your experience, memories, disappointment and/ or pain. Go to a therapist to process the experience if you can. If it’s difficult to talk about it with loved ones, write in a journal. Don’t be afraid to shed some tears or have a little rant and ‘get it off your chest.’ If you don’t go to the extremes of numbing or wallowing, the rest of the day will be brighter.

Devote extra attention to self-care

Now is a good time to exercise more, have your hair and nails done or get a massage. If you’ve started to do holiday shopping, get something special for yourself too

Laugh!

Surround yourself with friends and family who can crack you up and find the humor in tough times. Choose comedies before dramas at the movies or tv. Tears and laughter are both healing.

Wise-up

Enjoy a trip to a good bookstore or go online and find books to read that will uplift you and help you make sense of personal loss. Look in Self-Help, Psychology and Spirituality sections.

If you send holiday cards

If you are in the habit of sending holiday cards, you might want to continue to send them to members of your ex’s family and mutual friends. They may be sad about the breakup and even missing you. You’re not divorcing them.

If kids are involved

For the kids’ sake, if at all possible, reframe the situation from tragic to magic. They are not losing their family, but gaining more houses and family to visit over the holidays and hopefully, more affection and festivity. Think and talk in terms of more fun, more food, more travel, more holiday gifts to give and receive as consolation for the adjustment they are going through. Put their feelings first and support their sense of security and continued (‘extended’) family cohesion. You’ll feel better if you do. Don’t burden your children with your anger or grief at the situation. Show them that you can be strong and take care of them through life’s ups and downs and you will.

Take the long view

Remember that the first year of a break up is the hardest and that as spring follows winter, better days are coming bringing healing and hope. This too shall pass and make a better future possible.

Be Open to the New & Now

Embrace this new phase and create new connections. Form new family. Get out & rub elbows. Volunteer, join a gym, do yoga, or take a dance class. Share your spirituality and dreams with others.

Move

Sometimes just movement alone helps the mind and body process grief and loss. Walking, dancing and even a drive in the car will help.

Relax

Monitor your stress. Take a good, long hot bath or shower. Take your time and let your feelings flow. Stretch, mediate and take a nap.

]]>Stress Management For Parentshttps://www.alpharesourcecenter.com/uncategorized/stress-management-parents/
Fri, 30 Nov 2018 17:16:25 +0000http://alpharesource.wpengine.com/?p=736Parenting can be very stressful. Whether you are a stay at home parent or a working parent, a single parent or a married parent, mother or father, parent of one child or several children; remaining cool, calm and full of … Read More

]]>Parenting can be very stressful. Whether you are a stay at home parent or a working parent, a single parent or a married parent, mother or father, parent of one child or several children; remaining cool, calm and full of energy can help get you through the day. Below are some simple stress management tips and relaxation exercises that have proven useful to adults whether or not they are a parent. By taking a moment to consider which stress management tools will work for you and then putting them into practice immediately will help to provide the stress management approach you are looking for and the stress relief you deserve.

Take Time to Learn to Relax

How do we get so tense?

When we are worried, anxious, hurried or harried our body begins to feel tense. Actually, this is a natural reaction. Our body is preparing us for flight or fight. Our body has been given the signal to prepare to respond to a threat. If a real physical danger were present, we would be able to protect ourselves by attack or retreat. When the emergency was over, an “all clear signal” would be given and our body would relax and return to its normal state.

In our modern existence, our mind is often bothered by many things. We call this stress. Constant mental stress keeps our body in constant tension which itself becomes a form of stress. We can handle stress by learning to cope with thoughts and events so they no longer are stressful. We can also learn to relax. When we practice relaxation, we are giving the “all clear signal.” As we become better at giving the signal, we are able to trigger the relaxation response so our body will return to its normal state.

Chronic tension affects each of us differently. Depending on the person, it can cause sleep disturbance, increased or decreased appetite, headaches, stomachaches, poor concentration, or irritability. Some diseases may be caused by or made worse by chronic tension. Also, our immune system can be weakened, thus, making us more susceptible to colds and other infections. Our section titled 52 Proven Ways to Reduce Stress gives some tips on coping. This section will help you learn Three Proven Ways to Relax. The are: (1) Progressive Relaxation, (2) Deep Breathing, and (3) Pleasant Images.

Use of positive mental images can be useful. Many parents have benefited from listening to a relaxation tape such as [Being A Happy Effective Parent].

Progressive Relaxation

We will start with your feet and lower legs. Tighten those muscles just as hard as you can. Feel the tension. Then gradually release the tension. Let your feet and lower leg muscles relax just a little bit at a time. Repeat this with your upper leg and hip muscles. Again, experience first the tension and then the gradual relaxation as you slowly release all the tension.

Next, tense the muscles in your hands and lower arms. Make a fist. Tighten them as tight as you can. Then gradually let them relax. With each muscle group, the relaxation feels good. As you relax one group at a time your whole being will be begin to feel relaxed, calm and peaceful. Repeat the tension and then gradual relaxation with your upper arms and shoulders. Remember to tense and hold before relaxing.

As you have now progressively relaxed most of your major muscle groups, you may feel a tingly sensation. You will find that your breathing has become slower and deeper. You are now relaxed. Try to practice on a daily basis. When you have followed the above for about 10 to 15 sessions, try it without tensing the muscles. See if you can just relax one muscle group at a time while breathing slowly and deeply.

Deep Breathing

When we are tense, our breathing is often shallow and rapid. If fact, most of us do not breathe properly, tense or not. Improper breathing robs us of oxygen, which purifies our body as well as helps our body produce energy. Fortunately, learning to breathe properly is not difficult. Find a comfortable place to lie down. Place your hands on your abdomen just below your ribs. Begin breathing slowly and deeply. If you are breathing properly, you will feel the expansion in the abdominal area before your rib cage expands. Spend 5 to 10 minutes several times a day practicing your deep breathing. You will notice that as you become more proficient, your breathing will improve during your normal activities.

How to take a mental vacation

How to take a mental vacation. When we think about things that are upsetting, our body tenses up. This is because the lower centers of our brain, which regulate body functions, does not distinguish between real images and those, which are imagined. If you think about being in an uncomfortable situation, your body will begin to respond as if you were in that situation. Since you have probably had lots of experience thinking about things that cause tension, you actually have all the skills necessary to do just the opposite. Imagine something that makes you feel good.

To prepare for your mental vacation, relax your muscles and take a few deep breaths. Then close your eyes and imagine you are some place you enjoy. It could be the beach or the mountains or enjoying a favorite activity. Try to fully experience this imagined event. See the sights. Hear the sounds. Feel the air. Smell the smells. Tune in to the sense of well-being. At first, you should allow 10 to 15 minutes for this exercise. As you become more adept, you will find that you can feel like you have been on a long vacation or just come back from a good time in just a few moments.

Some other ways to feel relaxed

Listening to music is very relaxing. Reading can be rewarding for many. Enjoying a hobby can make life more fun. Research has shown that exercising several times a week (even just a walk) can reduce stress and tension. Research has also found that regular church attendance and daily prayer result in lower blood pressure and better coping.

Avoid too much caffeine or alcohol. Both of these are thought to be relaxing but they can actually make things worse. Avoid watching the news before going to bed. Try to take one day at a time. Look for the good things that happen each day and be thankful. Reach out and touch someone. Giving IS better than receiving. Be forgiving. Don’t hold grudges. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. As you learn to forgive others, use a little on yourself. Tomorrow is another day.

Remember the AA serenity prayer:

Grant me the courage to change the things I can change. The ability to accept the things I cannot change. And the wisdom to know the difference.

52 Proven Stress Reducers

1. Get up fifteen minutes earlier in the morning. The inevitable morning mishaps will be less stressful.

2. Prepare for the morning the evening before. Set the breakfast table, make lunches, put out the clothes you plan to wear, etc.

3. Don’t rely on your memory. Write down appointment times, when to pick up the laundry, when library books are due, etc. (“The palest ink is better than the most retentive memory.” -Old Chinese Proverb)

4. Doing nothing, which, after being done, leads you to tell a lie.

5. Make duplicates of all keys. Bury a house key in a secret spot in the garden and carry a duplicate car key in your wallet, apart from your key ring.

6. Practice preventive maintenance. Your car, appliances, home and relationships will be less likely to break down/fall apart “at the worst possible moment.”

7. Be prepared to wait. A paperback can make a wait in a post office line almost pleasant.

8. Procrastination is stressful whatever you want to do tomorrow, do today; whatever you want to do today, do it now.

10. Don’t put up with something that doesn’t work right. If your alarm clock, wallet, shoe laces, windshield wipers, whatever are a constant aggravation, get them fixed or get new ones.

11. Allow 15 minutes of extra time to get to appointments. Plan to arrive at an airport one hour before domestic departures.

12. Allow 15 minutes of extra time to get to appointments. Plan to arrive at an airport one hour before domestic departures.

13. Eliminate (or restrict) the amount of caffeine in your diet.

14. Always set up contingency plans, “just in case.” (“If for some reason either of us is delayed, here’s what we’ll do…” Or, “If we get split up in the shopping center, here’s where we’ll meet.”)

15. Relax your standards. The world will not end if the grass doesn’t get mowed this weekend.

16. Pollyanna-Power! For every one thing that goes wrong, there are probably 10 or 50 or 100 blessings. Count’em!

17. Ask questions. Taking a few moments to repeat back directions, what someone expects of you, etc., can save hours. (The old “the hurrieder I go, the behinder I get,” idea).Say “No!” Saying “no” to extra projects, social activities, and invitations you know you don’t have the time or energy for takes practice, self-respect, and a belief that everyone, everyday, needs quiet time to relax and be alone.

18. Unplug your phone. Want to take a long bath, meditate, sleep, or read without interruption? Drum up the courage to temporarily disconnect. (The possibility of there being a terrible emergency in the next hour or so is almost nil). Or use an answering machine.

21. Make friends with nonworriers. Nothing can get you into the habit or worrying faster than associating with chronic worrywarts.

22. Get up and stretch periodically if your job requires that you sit for extended periods.

23. Wear earplugs. If you need to find quiet at home, pop in some earplugs.

24. Get enough sleep. If necessary, use an alarm clock to remind you to go to bed.

25. Create order out of chaos. Organize your home and workspace so that you always know exactly where things are. Put things away where they belong and you won’t have to go through the stress of losing things.

26. When feeling stressed, most people tend to breathe in short, shallow breaths. When you breathe like this, stale air is not expelled, oxidation of the tissues is incomplete and muscle tension frequently results. Check your breathing throughout the day and before, during and after high-pressure situations. If you find your stomach muscles are knotted and your breathing is shallow, relax all your muscles and take several deep, slow breaths. Note how, when you’re relaxed, both your abdomen and chest expand when you breathe.

27. Writing your thoughts and feelings down (in a journal, or a paper to be thrown away) can help you clarify things and can give you a renewed perspective.

28. Try the following yoga technique whenever you feel the need to relax. Inhale deeply through your nose to the count of eight. Then with lips puckered, exhale very slowly through your mouth to the count of 15 or for as long as you can. Concentrate on the long sighing sound and feel the tension dissolve. Repeat 10 times.

29. Inoculate yourself against a feared event. For example, before speaking in public, take time to go over every part of the experience in your mind. Imagine what you’ll wear, what the audience will look like, how you will present your talk, what the questions will be and how you will answer them, etc. Visualize the experience the way you would have it be. You’ll likely find that when the time comes to make the actual presentation, it will be “old hat’ and much of your anxiety will have fled.

30. When the stress of having to get a job done gets in the way of getting the job done, diversion (a voluntary change in activity and/or environment) may be just what you need.

31. Talk it out. Discussing your problems with a trusted friend can help clear your mind of confusion so you can concentrate on problem solving.

32. One of the most obvious ways to avoid unnecessary stress is to select an environment (work, home, leisure) which is in line with your personal needs and desires. If you hate desk jobs, don’t accept a job which requires that you sit at a desk all day. If you hate to talk politics, don’t associate with people who love to talk politics, etc.

33. Learn to live one day at a time.

34. Every day, do something you really enjoy.

35. Add an ounce of love to everything you do.

36. Take a hot bath or shower (or a cool one in the summertime) to relieve tension.

37. Do something for somebody else. Make a meal for someone who is in need.

38. Focus on understanding rather than on being understood; on loving rather than on being loved.

39. Do something that will improve your appearance. Looking better can help you feel better.

40. Schedule a realistic day. Avoid the tendency to schedule back-to-back appointments. Allow time between appointments for a breathing spell.

41. Become more flexible. Some things are worth not doing perfectly and some issues are well to compromise upon.

43. Use your weekend time for a change of pace. If your workweek is slow and patterned, make sure there is action and time for spontaneity built into your weekends. If your workweek is fast-paced and full of people and deadlines, seek peace and solitude during your days off. Feel as if you are not accomplishing anything at work? Tackle a job on the weekend, which you can finish to your satisfaction.

44. “Worry about the pennies and the dollars will take of themselves.” That’s another way of saying: take care of the todays, as best you can and the yesterdays and the tomorrows will take care of themselves.

45. Do one thing at a time. When you are with someone, be with that person and with no one or anything else. When you are busy with a project, concentrate on doing that project and forget about everything else you have to do.

]]>Getting through the Holidays with Grace for Your Kidshttps://www.alpharesourcecenter.com/divorce-survival/getting-through-holidays-with-grace-for-kids/
Fri, 30 Nov 2018 16:50:19 +0000http://alpharesource.wpengine.com/?p=831Create a Conflict-Free Zone The holidays can be extremely stressful time of year for many people, and this is especially true for many children and parents in a divorce situation. Divorced parents have an added challenge in maintaining their grace … Read More

The holidays can be extremely stressful time of year for many people, and this is especially true for many children and parents in a divorce situation. Divorced parents have an added challenge in maintaining their grace and sanity while co-parenting through the holidays. However, creating a conflict free zone for yourself and your children during the holidays is essential and empowering for everyone involved. Be vigilant about keeping your children out of the middle and put your children first. This means not placing them in the terrible position of having to choose between parents.

As the adults, you find a way to work things out and find ways for everyone to “win.” Holiday dates are much more important to adults than children. Children are usually quite happy celebrating a day or so late. In fact, depending on their age, your children may not even notice, for example, if you celebrate Thanksgiving on Thursday or another day. And if it is a gift-giving holiday, what child is going to mind having two days to open presents instead of one?

Avoid Holiday Competiton with Your Ex

Getting through the holidays with grace means focusing on your time with your children instead of the time you aren’t going to be together. And you can achieve sanity by accepting your parenting plan and choose to make the best of it as it is. Schedule your holiday plans around your parenting agreement. Try starting new family traditions for your family. Instead of trying to replicate your old family traditions, create something completely new. Steer clear of engaging in the “I can provide a better holiday than you can” competition with your child’s other parent. Instead focus on developing and enjoying a quality relationship with your child. If you can speak civilly with your ex, talk about a general budget for presents, the number of presents and what Santa is getting your children. Santa knows which address to deliver the bike or the castle or the Wii, so don’t screw up his planning by having one at each house (unless you both want one at each house). Don’t outdo each other. Remember the spirit of the holidays and avoid trying to buy the children off with fabulous presents.

Show Your Children You Respect the Other Parent

Help your child make or purchase a gift for the other parent. Yes, I really mean this! By doing so you are demonstrating respect for the other parent. And in the process you are modeling thoughtful and gracious behavior for your child. Actions speak louder than words…if you receive a gift from your child that you know the other parent helped with, graciously receive it. I’ve heard horror stories of parents throwing gifts away right in front of their children just because they came from the other parent or the other parent’s girlfriend.

Make Kindness Your Holiday Family Goal

Stop trying to change or even influence your child’s other parent. Chances are very good that it isn’t going to happen. When it’s all said and done, the only person you can change is yourself. The sooner you are able to accept this, the more peace of mind you’ll have. Be kind – to yourself, to your children, to your family, to your child’s other parent, and to the many people you come in contact with on a daily basis. Expect the best outcome instead of the worst. Imagine yourself and your children having a wonderful, stress-free holiday – no matter how you spend it.

]]>What Makes a Healthy and Happy Relationship? The Million Dollar Questionhttps://www.alpharesourcecenter.com/marriage-success/successful-relationship/
Tue, 25 Sep 2018 15:00:59 +0000http://alpharesource.wpengine.com/?p=744What’s the key to a successful relationship? What’s the secret? Making sure your relationship goes the distance means remembering to do the simple everyday things for each other, while not being afraid to address the big issues important to both … Read More

Making sure your relationship goes the distance means remembering to do the simple everyday things for each other, while not being afraid to address the big issues important to both of you. Here are some tips for a successful relationship.

Focus on Each Other. Consistent quality together time can help you maintain and strengthen your relationship. Give each other at least half an hour a night, and at least one day a month when you spend time exclusively as a couple.

Build Trust. Look for ways to make sure your partner feels secure in the relationship. Compromise and a lot of give and take from both of you show the other how much you value each other.

Accept with Love. The little quirks and habits that initially first attracted you to your partner can turn into nasty annoying habits. Avoid trying to make over your partner. After all you fell in love with them just the way they were.

Develop a Financial Plan. Money is one of the top conflicts between most couples. Address your finances, work out a budget and set goals together so you stay on the same page.

Disagree with Integrity. Learn to argue well. Never say something to your partner that you wouldn’t want to hear said back. Try to take the high road and stay there. Take a time out if the heat’s too high. Just remember, the one good thing about arguing, is the making up afterwards. Keep your disagreements honorable ensure you don’t build up resentments.

Talk. Talk. Talk some more. Communication is vital to all healthy relationships. Listen to your partner and avoid blame and judgment. Make sure you understand their point of view. Don’t assume your partner can read your mind. Remember just talking things over can help you to both have a deeper understanding of each other.

Maintain a Strong Physical & Emotional Connection. Sort out your sex life. If it seems to be fading, don’t just accept it. Discuss it, let your partner know how you feel and that you miss the intimacy.

Support both the couple and the individual. Balance your dependence and independence. Let your partner know much you need them, but avoid being overly dependent or clingy. That can make your partner feel trapped. Make sure your partner knows that when you do go out with friends or participate in an activity, it does not reflect on your commitment to him or her. In fact, it may give more things to talk about.

Use Counseling as an Opportunity to Grow. Going to counseling is not a sign of a failed relationship. Therapy can save a bad relationship and can turn an average relationship into an excellent one. Seeking therapy shows you are both committed to improve your bond.

Whether you’re dating or married, relationships are dynamic and demanding. It takes 110% commitment from both of you. However, you can have a healthy and long-lasting relationship and many couples have proven just that. Not everything is always going to be perfect but if you both choose to make it work then it can. And remember it’s the little things that are the proof that you want to make the relationship work.

]]>Parenting Children with Disabilitieshttps://www.alpharesourcecenter.com/marriage-success/parenting-children-disabilities/
Tue, 08 May 2018 19:45:56 +0000http://alpharesource.wpengine.com/?p=134Being determined Parenting a child with a disability is exhausting, overwhelming, and rewarding all at the same time. A parent’s love and guidance help that son or daughter overcome many obstacles and do what doctors, teachers and other helping professional … Read More

Parenting a child with a disability is exhausting, overwhelming, and rewarding all at the same time. A parent’s love and guidance help that son or daughter overcome many obstacles and do what doctors, teachers and other helping professional said was impossible. A parent sees special abilities, not disabilities.

Teaching independence

One of the most important things parents teach their children is how to help themselves. It’s hard to resist rescuing them from life’s challenges. It’s not easy to step back and encourage them to use their coping skills to cultivate independence. It is, however, necessary to guide them toward adulthood. Children with a disability especially need to know and be confident in using their resources. For them it is an exercise in overcoming obstacles without becoming disheartened. Supported by dedicated parents, they learn how to be independent and to persist in reaching goals.

Smart parenting

Parents also need to keep in mind that they are the experts on their children and that they are their child’s greatest advocates.

Keep things in perspective. No disability is insurmountable. Everyone faces obstacles. It’s up to parents to teach a child how to deal with those obstacles without becoming discouraged or overwhelmed. They don’t let the tests, school bureaucracy, and endless paperwork distract from what’s really important—giving their child plenty of emotional and moral support.

Become your own expert. Do your own research, read about new developments in learning disability programs, therapies and educational techniques. While teachers, therapists and doctors may offer solutions, remember you’re the expert on your child. So take charge when it comes to finding the tools he or she needs in order to learn.

Be an advocate for your child. You may have to be the cheerleader of your child to get the programs and support you want for your child. It may be frustrating at times, but by remaining calm and reasonable, yet firm, you can make a huge difference for your child. Embrace your role as a proactive parent.

Cheerleading

Your child will follow your lead. Approach learning challenges with optimism, hard work and a sense of humor and your child and the others around your child are very likely to mirror your attitude. Or at least see the challenges as a speed bump, rather than a roadblock. Focus on learning what works for your child and make it happen as the best you can. A strong support system is one of the most important predictors of success. Be sure to find others who understand your parenting philosophy and help with resources to get what you need.

]]>Creating a Long-Term Plan for Special Needs Child During a Divorcehttps://www.alpharesourcecenter.com/divorce-survival/safeguarding-your-special-needs-child-during-a-divorce/
Fri, 04 May 2018 15:35:30 +0000http://alpharesource.wpengine.com/?p=1498Although divorce is hard on any child, taking care of special needs children is more complex. If you are the custodial parent, you need a long-term plan to care for your child beyond his or her age of majority and … Read More

]]>Although divorce is hard on any child, taking care of special needs children is more complex. If you are the custodial parent, you need a long-term plan to care for your child beyond his or her age of majority and perhaps even beyond your own lifetime. It is important to have professional guidance to ensure you create the best plan for your special needs child. Let’s look at the main areas of concern.

Custody

The child’s home and care was formerly shared by both parents. In divorce, it is generally handled by one parent, often due to transportation and facilities issues. The custodial parent may have to obtain additional services to maintain the right level of care. Even if your ex-spouse assumes some of your child’s care with the cost of additional services, it’s important to account for that in the marital settlement agreement.

Creating a New Stability

Special needs children require consistency and structure just to get through a day. You may need to spend a lot of time getting the child to accept and feel comfortable with the changes in routine that come with divorce. You may need supplemental help from therapists and caregivers to reach a new stability.

Financial Needs

Make sure you have a thorough understanding of your special-needs child’s financial needs. This is especially important if your child is eligible for Supplemental Security Income (SSI). Any alimony or child support payments have to work in conjunction with benefit eligibility. Be sure you understand the eligibility requirements for immediate and future needs.

Medical and Educational Issues

Anticipate both expected and unanticipated expenses. Look at the current deductible, co-pays, home therapy sessions, personal care supplies as well as specialized equipment, such as wheel chairs and vehicle modification. Consider what costs are not covered by health insurance or other programs.

Your child will eventually move out of the education system as he or she reaches their majority. Consider special education requirements, additional tutors, evaluations, legal fees, adult occupational programs and support services as your child transitions into adulthood.

Guardianship

Who will serve as your child’s legal guardian? What can you do to ensure the guardians are able to maintain your child’s physical, emotional and financial well-being? Your marital settlement agreement needs to account for long-term care in case of your death or disability. Consider consulting with a financial adviser and an attorney who specialize in special needs planning. Look into how trusts can secure your child’s future in the event of your death.

With a team of divorce mediation professionals, you have an invaluable resource to help you and your spouse best determine how to ensure your child’s future and your peace of mind.

]]>Summer Planning for Two Household Families: Getting It Righthttps://www.alpharesourcecenter.com/new-beginnings/summer-planning-two-household-families/
Fri, 04 May 2018 07:55:09 +0000http://alpharesource.wpengine.com/?p=558More Free Time for Children – A Co-Parenting Challenge Summer schedules are challenging for two household families. During the school year, there is an agreed on schedule. They know which nights the children will sleep on school nights, how shared … Read More

Summer schedules are challenging for two household families. During the school year, there is an agreed on schedule. They know which nights the children will sleep on school nights, how shared weekend time will work, and the days for mid-week visits. More free time from school means divorced parents have to communicate and work cooperatively to organize the kids summer schedules.

Each family has to consider how well the parents work together as partners in parenting, their work schedules, and their children’s level of independence and individual needs. Here are some handy guidelines for summer planning to make this annual transition easier.

Start Planning Early

Planning in advance can reduce the pressure parents feel to accommodate summertime schedules. For example, agreeing to discuss summer planning every year in March gives everyone adequate time to plan for the summer.

Children find security in having a routine they can rely upon. Depending on parents’ work schedules and vacation time, the summertime can offer an opportunity for parents and children to spend additional time together. Be creative. This could mean an additional evening or overnight each week, some long weekends throughout the summer, or a vacation. Some parents find it helpful to plan summer vacations just after school ends or just before it starts.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

Keep the lines of communication open regarding parenting. Being able to discuss the many issues that will develop as they grow up will them that their parents love and respect them, put their needs first and teaches them how to resolve issues in a respectful manner.

It may takes some effort, compromise and flexibility, but as the years move on, the summer planning should become a more efficient process.

]]>Forgiveness: Healing Yourselfhttps://www.alpharesourcecenter.com/new-beginnings/forgiveness-healing-yourself/
Thu, 15 Mar 2018 19:47:10 +0000http://alpharesource.wpengine.com/?p=823Forgiveness is your choice. Forgiveness is all about healing your pain. Forgiveness is not something you are doing for the other person. Forgiveness is your path to emotional freedom from resentment. In Janis Abrahms Spring’s book How Can I Forgive … Read More

]]>Forgiveness is your choice. Forgiveness is all about healing your pain. Forgiveness is not something you are doing for the other person. Forgiveness is your path to emotional freedom from resentment.

In Janis Abrahms Spring’s book How Can I Forgive You, she describes how to find a good resolution. She states that forgiveness done with the right intent can have a positive outcome. Done with too easily and the result is resentment. Abrahms Spring explains four types of forgiveness:

Refusal to Forgive

The refusal to forgive is understandable, yet harmful, resolving nothing. It is a defensive strategy to protect the injured party from further pain, using anger or resentment as a shield. Taking such a hard stance gives him or her the illusion that this somehow gives them power over the person that hurt them.

Cheap Forgiveness

Forgiving too hastily doesn’t acknowledge the hurt. Premature forgiveness, she notes, is a ‘cheap’ substitute since there is no pressure on the person who acted wrongly to make amends. Bypassing this step often boomerangs on the person who impulsively forgives and results in an internal struggle. Whether the forgiveness stems from background, social or religious influences, it cycles back to bouts of hating the other person or hating themselves for not being “able” to forgive, or both.

Genuine Forgiveness

This is the ideal situation for both the injured party and the offender. Abrahms Spring offers a road map to making this happen. It requires both parties to work toward some form of reconciliation. The injured party expresses the depth of their emotional pain directly to the person who hurt them either in person or in writing. The “victim” voices their pain, regret, anger, fear, and disillusionment. In this scenario, the offender is willing to apologize repeatedly and sincerely. He/she expresses remorse, acknowledges the feelings of the wounded party and offers restitution. This process may require time and the guidance of a professional counselor, depending on the level of betrayal. When Genuine Forgiveness occurs, both parties can heal and move forward toward emotional recovery.

Acceptance

Some circumstances make it impossible for the offender to participate in repairing the relationship. For example, ex-spouses who cannot communicate, if addiction or mental illness is involved or when the offender is not interested or is unavailable.

A practical alternative for the injured person is to strive for Acceptance vs. Genuine Forgiveness. Knowing that the person who caused harm is unavailable to work through the offense, the injured party acknowledges the limits of the other person and focuses on healing themselves.

There are ten steps in this journey:

Honoring the full sweep of your emotions

Giving up the need for revenge (while seeking just resolution)

Reengaging with life

Protecting yourself from future abuse

Framing the offender’s behavior in terms of their own personal struggles

Looking at your own contribution to the injury

Challenging false assumptions about what happened

Looking at the good and the bad about the offender, separate from the offense

Deciding what type of relationship you want with the offender

Forgiving yourself for ways you’ve blamed and shamed yourself with regard to the injury.

This is a wise and useful formula that can be applied to many circumstances in which a mound of hurt is blocking the road to healing.

By Deirdre Hally Shaffer, MSW, LCSW

For additional information on healing from divorce and other life events, check out our blogs at www.alpha-divorce.com.

]]>Using an “I” Message Can Flip a Difficult Conversation to a Positive Onehttps://www.alpharesourcecenter.com/marriage-success/flip-difficult-conversation-to-positive-one-with-i-message/
Tue, 13 Mar 2018 16:00:59 +0000http://alpharesource.wpengine.com/?p=1335How many interactions do you have with people in a single day? How would you rate them? We feel great when they are positive. Especially when it involves people we care about. But even the people we care about have … Read More

]]>How many interactions do you have with people in a single day? How would you rate them? We feel great when they are positive. Especially when it involves people we care about. But even the people we care about have unique personalities. So we to have to be aware of our words and our tone of voice to keep our relationships healthy.

Being respectful when sharing our thoughts, feelings and concerns is an important part of relationships. Otherwise neither party will even listen. “I” messages – delivered the right way – are a great communication technique to get the other party to hear what you are saying.

Handle “I” with Care

In “I” messages, we make statements about how we feel about others’ actions. “You” messages focus on the other person, usually leading to defensiveness by the other party. For example, you are anxiously waiting for your spouse or partner to return home. Saying “You are always coming home late! Why can’t you come back earlier?” sounds like an attack.

In contrast, here’s how an “I” message would sound: “I feel rather lonely while waiting for you to come home. I’m concerned that you are often home late and I get rather frustrated wondering when you’re going to be home.” This statement shares feelings and concerns. A great starting point for both parties to work out what can be done about it because the focus is on the issue or concern and not on the other person.

The “I”s Have It Over the “You”

In most interactions “I” messages outperform “You” messages as a more respectful way of communicating. Even positive expressions, such as this “You” message: “You look good in this dress,” can be improved by an “I” message: “I’m so happy to see you. I remember all the fun we used to have. You look wonderful.”

Generally, an “I” message follows a formula:

you state how you feel

you describe the action that concerns you

describe how and why he action affects you.

And sometimes, it’s appropriate to add what action would make you feel better.

So, by describing the anxiety surrounding a late homecoming and sharing that the spouse is missed, it is easier for the person to hear the message and opens the way to make a change, like promising to call if the spouse is held up.

It may take some work to use “I” messages regularly but with practice, this communication approach will pay off when you see the results in better relationships, not only with people you care about, but in your everyday interactions.

]]>Getting Through the Winter ‘School Blues’https://www.alpharesourcecenter.com/new-beginnings/getting-through-winter-school-blues/
Thu, 18 Jan 2018 21:05:40 +0000http://alpharesource.wpengine.com/?p=1085It’s January, It’s Cold, It’s Back to School. Ugh! Re-entry into the new semester for students of all ages, including college students, is often quite a struggle. Getting back into the swing of things after being off for several days … Read More

Re-entry into the new semester for students of all ages, including college students, is often quite a struggle. Getting back into the swing of things after being off for several days or weeks for the holidays takes some real effort. Even getting back to normal eating, sleeping and homework schedules is tough. But with planning, consistent routines and a positive attitude, students can transition back to their normal hectic pace, start back up with classes and dive into social activities.

Reinstate Daily Routines

Ease back into school by reestablishing daily schedules and following them as closely as possible. Rituals promote a sense of security and stability for children. Consistent morning routines, regular meal times, homework study hours, designated exercise and recreation times and bedtime schedules can help them get back on track.

Post a calendar on the refrigerator or in a central location, so you can keep track of weekly activities, such as sports practices, music lessons, study groups and doctor’s appointments.

Start waking the kids up at their normal school time several days before they go back, even if they stayed up late the night before. They will likely have no trouble going to bed on time on days when they woke up early.

Refocus the Kids’ Attitudes about School

Have the kids make a short list of things they like about school, classes, teachers, friendships and extracurricular activities. Start working on the list a day or two before the holiday break ends, so the good memories are fresh in their minds.

If your kids have a reading list, read one of the books and ask them questions. If your kids take their lunch to school, make a calendar with different food options for the first week when they go back.

Participate in School-Sponsored Activities

For older students, encourage them to find ways to get involved outside of the classroom to explore interests and meet new people. Active involvement will help them build strong connections with peers, teachers and coaches. It’s easier to get back into the routine after the holidays if they plan have engaging and exciting activities to look forward to.

Avoid Procrastinating, then Reward Yourself

If you are a college student, try to work ahead on your school assignments and reward yourself when you accomplish tasks. Don’t let the post-holiday blues keep you from meeting your goals; a lack of motivation can lead to a backlog of school work and an ugly list of incomplete assignments. Start projects early, finish homework ahead of schedule and prepare for tests and quizzes several days before testing dates. Reward yourself with treats, such as a special outing, and enjoy the free time you saved by avoiding procrastination.

Set Your Sights on Some Goals

As part of New Year’s resolutions, encourage your children to set some school-related goals, such as raising a math grade by five points or making one new friend each month. Set your own goals as well—maybe getting up a few minutes earlier each morning to have lunches packed before waking the kids or to give yourself a half hour to exercise or meditate.

Make it Fun

Earmark one of your child’s Christmas presents as a special one for the first day back to school. It may be a new shirt, new shoes, a new backpack, and zipper pull or locker decoration. Your child will be eager to get back to school to show the new item to his or her friends. Getting back to school after the extended holiday break doesn’t have to be as stressful as taking a test. Remember to stick as close as you can to the normal wake-up and bedtime routine during the break, but don’t worry about the times when the holiday keeps you out late—just get back on schedule the next day. Routinely engage them in positive conversations about the return to school while they’re still enjoying their break.