orlando

So, about 2 years ago, I had been chatting with a really nice guy from Orlando. He was a bus driver for the local school district. He talked very highly of kids and always shared the funniest and cutest stories of some of the kids he saw on a daily basis. We Skyped before the first “real” meeting, he had all of his teeth and didn’t look crazy so we were pretty much a go for our first official meeting. I was pretty excited but pretty nervous, it’s nice to get to know someone but as nice as people may appear, they can turn Lorena Bobbitt chop off dick crazy in just a blink of an eye. Needless to say I had a back up plan.

The date was a meeting/happy birthday to me. He was sweet enough to get us free tickets into one of the Universal theme parks. No matter how often I go to Universal I never get tired it. Conveniently enough, said bus driver lived 5 minutes away from the park. So he kindly offered to have us meet at his place and drive together in his car. His salary worked much like teachers do so he has to strategically plan his finances through the summer. As a single parent I kind of admired that he was balling on a budget and was as cost effective as I am. I obliged and decided to meet him at his place. Like any normal person would, I packed my epipen. Oh no, not in case I had an allergic reaction, in case this mother fucker got crazy and I needed to stab him in the jugular. I am not sure what will happen if someone who is not in anaphylaxis is stabbed with epinephrine but my hope has always been that whatever it does, gives me enough time to get the hell out of there. Again, he passed the nice test, but hell even I have a little crazy side, do I need to remind you that you just read that I may have Googled the effects of an epipen on a person not going through anaphylaxis? Anyways moving on.

Now the initial meeting was awkward, “umm hi, you look just like your pictures,”. . . .he didn’t oh god did he not. He clearly was the same guy and our Skype chat put him in an awesome light but he was at least a decade older than what he appeared in the pictures he had posted. Oh well I probably came to meet him with the 15 pounds the angled pictures had taken off, and since I am no hypocrite I let it go. I wanted to go on this date. This guy cracked me up on the phone and I was hoping it transcended in person.

I have two of the best wingmen around. I gave my little brother and my friend Pinky this guys name, occupation and address and when he realized he left his sun glasses inside his apartment I also had the right amount of time to text them his license plate number. Yup, I went all Law and Order on his ass.

We left his place and made a pit stop at Chik Fil A, which he paid for. It was still a little awkward, sitting face to face almost felt like an interview. He was clearly nervous, whereas my nerves had already wore off. I stepped over to the restroom to check in with everyone. “Hey guys, I am here. I will text you through out the day but I don’t want to be rude to him.” I then washed my hands and got distracted with the automated paper towel dispenser. I must have pulled 7 napkins before I finally decided the dispenser was going to win and I was not going to pull the last paper towel out and run out the bathroom before the next one automatically came out. . .I was just not fast enough.

As the day went on the strange I just met you feelings wore off and I had little glimpses of the funny confident guy I had been getting to know over the phone. Around 7PM my best friend text me, “hey missy it has been a while and you have not checked back in.” I responded, “I am not dead yet.” She did not think that was funny but at this point I had let my guard down and realized that I was safe with Mr. Bus Driver. The closest I would come to death on that day would had been if one of the roller coasters went all Final Destination. . .they did not. We both got hungry and he offered to buy food. He got a chicken strip basket and fries for us to share. Mind you he was a 6 foot something string bean, I was a 5 foot 7 curvy lady, I didn’t get this healthy body by sharing food. Listen balling on a budget, now you have gone too far! I did not want to be rude so I figured I could grab a cheese burger on the way home.

We stayed in the park until closing and when we finally left we were spent. I was so tired that when he offered to have me come up I said yes. I figured I could rest my feet before the long drive home. He popped in the Will Ferrell movie, “Stranger Than Fiction,” and if you guys have not noticed already I enjoy writing, so this movie peeked my interest. I started watching the movie and he thought it would be a good time for a kiss. Heck yes, I love kisses. I mean who doesn’t?! So he leaned in and OMG. . .no no no. . .stop it right now you face assaulter! He kissed like a man bird thing. Holy Jesus running on water, was it awful. Like two married virgins kissing for the first time bad. Like mom feeding her baby bird gag bad. You know how people say, how can you ruin bread? This guy was the bread ruin-er of kissing. From that point on my main objective was just to finish this movie, thank him kindly for the date and go home. Well I got so scared straight by that personal kiss attack on my character that I fell asleep watching the movie.

I woke up in a half panic with all my organs intact and started putting on my shoes and checking my phone. Which somewhere between my 7 PM check in, had died. Right as I slipped my left foot into my sneaker there was a bang on the door. . .and I knew. The jig is up, they are here for me. When he opened the door, there stood a police officer, “I am looking for Johanna Arroyo,” I popped up behind him and said, “I am here I am fine. . .my phone died.” I grabbed my things and started to head out and my man date was like, “how did they get my information?” I looked at him all embarrassed, “umm I did.” I damn near gave them his blood type but this appearance from the cops could have been avoided if my genius ass gave them his cell phone number. . .Woops

The police officer then waited for me to leave and said, “you might want to call some people at home, they are worried.”

I called my little brother as soon as my cell phone picked up enough juice and he was so angry he was crying and then finally I called my best friend and she was so pissed. I felt horrible because they were worried and the last message they received from me said, “I am not dead yet.” LOL again woops. . .

I wasted Orange County PD resources but I am sure glad to know I have friends and family who love me that much. . .

PS: I never saw him again, we both agreed we were more compatible as friends

PSS: I decided to hang up my online dating gloves and meet people the traditional way