Sunday, December 15, 2013

Theater Whore: Homefront

You
should never poke a Jason Statham. A bunch of drug dealers, users,
and bad guys learn this the hard way in Homefront. I wasn't dying to see this but movies that I want to see are few and far between this
year so I gave this a chance. This is based off a book by Chuck Hogan
but the screenplay was by Sylvester Stallone. Don't laugh. That man
wrote Rocky. This movie starts off with Statham as Phil Broker who is
an undercover DEA agent. The DEA raid this bar full of bikers and
meth. Next thing you know Broker is chasing them on a motorcycle,
using it as a weapon, and the lead biker's son is shot and killed.
Drugs are bad, kids.

Now
living in a small town in the South where nothing good ever happens.
Seriously. You say the words “small town” and “in the South”
I just sit back and wait for violence. His daughter who consistently
made me yell at the screen punches and spin kicks a kid in the face.
Now, this chubby bastard totally deserved it. He was a movie bully in
every sense. He takes her hat and she whips him. She looked silly as
hell in that hat and would never wear that for real's but its a plot
device. Broker has to show up and try to smooth things over but the
mother played by Kate Bosworth and her husband are having none of it.

She
keeps getting all up in Broker's face and I was like “Split kick
this bitch!” He doesn't and her husband gets all in his grill so he
has to put the Statham on 'em. The sheriff played by Clancy Brown is
all “He started it so I'm not arresting anyone.” Broker's
daughter's teacher is all “You shouldn't teach your daughter to
fight and I know your wife is dead so you really need to be trying to
get all up in me.” He doesn't as far as I know but he should. She
was kinda hot. Hey, his wife has been dead a year. How long is he
supposed to wait to get some stank on his hang low?! Ask me again why
I'm single.

On the
way home the wife is just ragging on her husband and calling him a
pussy. She decides she is gonna involve her brother Gator played by
James Franco. An old co-worker used to call me Gator. I called him
Half Dead. Its a Penitentiary thing. Anyone named Gator is bad news
by the way.

Gator
is a bad dude and his lady played by Winona Ryder is...I'm don't
know. She isn't stupid. She's just not bright. Gator starts fucking
with Broker's house stealing shit like his cat. Broker confronts the
father whose ass he kicked and wants this to be done. So of course
the guy sends three friends to kick Broker's ass not realizing its
Statham and he destroys them all.

Shit
keeps escalating and Gator finds out that Broker used to be an
undercover cop. He shares this with the biker whose son was killed
and holds Broker responsible. That same biker gang shows up in town
to start dealing drugs with Gator and to kill Broker. Broker finds
Gator's place and finds drugs (and the missing cat), sets some
explosives, and ends up being found and beaten. But he gets free and
kicks all their asses because Statham.

Broker
tries to get his daughter to leave with him and she throws a shit fit
and I'm all “Chop her throat!” They take all day to pack and the
biker's show up. A shootout starts, the only Black guy in the film
gets killed because Black guys do that in movies, his daughter gets
taken by Winona, Gator accidentally shoots his sister, and a car
chase happens.

This
was a cool action film for what it was. Its funny that all of this
started because some shitty kid wanted to take a girl's hat. That's a
lesson for everyone reading this. Don't pick fights with random ass
folks. You never know when you'll wake up on the ground with your
wife shaking her head at you shamefully.