"I tell him I tried. I tried to keep memory alive; I tried to fight those who would forget. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. There is so much injustice & suffering crying out for our attention. We must take sides. We must interfere. -E.W.

Why Couldn’t We be Left Alone?

I’m a realist. I get it. I understand that it is beyond daunting when it comes to Ryan’s needs. I live it every minute but also understand that being part of his life — even as someone who just wants to help out — can take considerable effort. Sure, I try to make it as easy as possible, but there’s only so much I can do. Hell, it’s flat-out exhausting. Not just physically either. The emotional toll, in some ways, is worse.

I hope you understand how much we appreciate it when people get involved. I would love to hear what Ryan would say! So many make tangible contributions through online financial donations and his wish list. It’s huge! Without these I wonder if I just might be caring for him under an interstate bridge (since, as you know, longterm care facilities really aren’t an option for us). I don’t have to wonder — because I know for a fact — that Ryan would NEVER be where he is without these. I say it all the time, but it worth repeating that you give him the care, comfort, and resources that give him chance… even when he is up against all odds.

Then there are those people who hold fundraisers on his behalf. These raise money for his Trust Fund or to get him something specific (like a lift for the hot tub or therapy equipment, for example), while also reminding people of him… what’s at stake… what’s good in this world. These bring attention. These keep him relevant to those who might otherwise forget.

Just as important are the people who pray for him. Forget that I lost faith because this loving act tells me that you are thinking about him. Like people who tell me they dream of him, they too have my son on their mind!

Those who care always find a way to help. This is clear. I see it through this website and its unimaginable following. It is demonstrated every time someone shares a post… or takes the time to leave a comment or send an email, clicks “like” on Ryan’s Facebook… or signs the Austin Vantrease Anti-Parole Petition… or follows Ryan on his other social media like Pinterest, Twitter, and YouTube (that can be joined from this website’s Home page).

Money is huge, and there’s no way around that fact. I wish it were different. I’m telling you that I will forever assert that Austin Vantrease and Jonathan May have done nothing meaningful toward the damage they caused. The damage is too costly to make good in a dozen lifetimes. Still, it’s more than that (meaning money). It’s the other ways that show you care. These might not be measured in currency, but they have real value. Without this type of support it would be so damned difficult to carry on. It inspires me… motivates me… let’s me know you are paying attention. Like my commitment to Ryan, it gives my life meaning when little else makes a lick of sense.

I don’t want to let you down any more than I would be okay with that of myself toward Ryan.

I don’t want this life. To be clear, I’m not suicidal at all… but I’m also not opposed to running my natural course on this earth either. I’ll take my chances with whatever comes next. I really don’t give a hoot if it’s oblivion. Hell? Been there, done doing that! Well, unless Vantrease and May (who, if there is a hell, punched that un-refundable and non-transferable ticket in November 2009) are hanging around my fiery pit of agony.

The faithful tell me I’ll be rewarded, justice will be served with finality, and there will be supreme clarity. I hope. That would be nice. I’d like an eternal pat on the back as much as the next guy, but, really, I’d be fine if just no longer tormented and Ryan gets the bliss. He certainly is deserving.

For now, I’m in this reality (that is remarkably surreal). I must tend to it… cope with it… make the best of it. Oh, how I chuckle when I read those quotes that “your life could be worse” because, when it comes to Ryan, I must respectfully disagree. I HATE it. I never asked for it, let alone even imaged it. My family did nothing to deserve it. Ryan did nothing. Why, for all that is good in this world, is it us? Please, pick anybody else to condemn to this living hell… but why couldn’t we be left alone?

So many “whys” and, I swear, I try not to think about them. My logical mind realizes this serves no purpose (other than to anger and confuse me more), but anyone with a sense of justice would be no different from I. Would you?

Comments

No, I would feel no different. There’s no reason, justice or anything else. Life can be shit. Why you? Have no idea. It’s not fair or right. That being said, I admire your commitment and caring. I know I couldn’t do all you do. The only justice Ryan has is you and your family.

I hear you loud and clear! My son 19 had suffered a traumatic brain injury and needs FULL care and that is ME! My husband works and takes over when he gets home. It’s flipping exhausting and yes sometimes it is more mentally exhausting. People don’t understand unless they are living this “so called” life! I love my son and will do everything and anything for him just like you! I do despise sayings such as things could be worse or your so strong I don’t know how you do it! You keep going and never give up on Ryan! You all are lucky for your love and commitment. I know because our family is a lot the same! Prayers, love and strength sent to all of you! Take care!:)

Anyone who attempts any kind of “saying” to address what the Diviney family has gone through, has no understanding of anything remotely connected to this. The situation defies “sayings”. We all need to continue to be there, we all need to band together, and we all need to express it through acts of real love and real family. Those of us in the nation of Team Diviney, cannot ever lose sight of this. We will never, never stop our cause, and we will keep the fire alive, because the Diviney family, deserves all of our respect and love, and always will.

Grey, you said it so perfectly. My heart bleeds for Ken, Ryan and their family and friends.

I can honestly say to Ken that I truly understand his heart, his mind and his pain. My son Bryan died 10 years ago with no warning. Found him in his bedroom at 5 AM. He was 11 years old. The pain was exruciating. Ken and his family experience this pain everyday.

Have not seen Ken for years, but I can tell him that I pray every morning for everyone, that they can get through the day.

There will never be logic to this and that sucks. Trust me I know. Love you Ken and your family.

I don’t know what I would do in your shoes, but I do know what my mother would do: my mother would discipline herself not to ask why. But then, she had decades of training.

You know she was quadriplegic when she was younger than I am, and was ventilator-dependent the last 5 years of her life, right? Did I also share that she was orphaned at 7, sexually assaulted by her stepfather, and raped as a teenager? She somehow trained herself not to expect justice, but to carry on in the face of great injustice and do what she could to make the world a more just place for others. Like her siblings, she was prone to the blues, but she was seldom angry and never bitter. In many ways, she was a better person that I could ever hope to be.

I am not giving you advice, just answering your question.

How has Ryan’s health been this week? Did the trip to Mo’town cause any great problems?

YOU ARE SIMPLY AMAZING!!! that is all I can say; this level of love is only born out of a pure heart for one’s child..I pray daily for your strength, for your encouragement, for the family’s needs, and especially the needs of Ryan. Your love is astonishing, inspirational, exhausting, special, and rare. May God continue to bless you and your family, as you care for this absolutely beloved young man who has shaped your life. Life can be bittersweet, and we take the bad with the good. You and your family have demonstrated nothing but the best in your love and devotion to Ryan. Love and prayers to your family.

As a survivor of traumatic brain injury, I can empathize with you, not just because I have been there but I have also seen the toll that it took on my family. My situation wasn’t as severe as Ryan’s, and my recovery for a shorter, but the scars look the same. I just want you to know that your fight to keep Ryan relevant is working, and even though you may have given up on faith, faith has not given up on you. Thank you for allowing us to see the anger, tears and venting; we hope that it helps in some small way to share your burden, and to give you strength to face another day.

Hi Ken, I’m struggling to find the right words, but I just want you to know I’m with you in spirit, and so is the rest of Team Diviney. Just remember no matter what, we love you all, and even if things seems quiet they’re really not. We’re always thinking about Ryan and pondering some of these big questions right along with you. We’re paying attention, reading the blog and monitoring facebook. I have great faith in Ryan, and in you. Ryan hasn’t given up and neither have we. Through no fault of your own, you have become our fearless leader in supporting Ryan. Where you lead, we follow. You’re stuck with us! Thank you for this profound post, Ken. You have a way with words and a gift for saying things many of us wonder about but never say. I’m praying every day, and keeping the faith for you, Ryan and your family. And I always will.
Sending you love, hugs, good thoughts, positive energy and always my prayers
Paula

When my daughter was born, I had no idea I could love her as much as I did and still do. And as a parent, I would do ANYTHING to help her or protect her; no strings attached. Unconditional love and support; that’s what we give our children, day in and day out. You, your family, and Team Diviney are there for Ryan, day in, day out; to help and protect him; no strings attached. That’s unconditional love for Ryan. God Bless you for all that you do and may God provide you with the strength you need each and every day.

I understand your pai9n and GOD understands and is with you in your pain. It’s OK if you’ve lost faith because He has NOT lost faith in you. God is with you, Ryan & your family every step of the way, every second, every day. I DON’T know why bad things happen to good people. I do believe, as I’ve said before, the God, whatever we call Him, will, indeed, set all things right in heaven and in earth, as He promised. We all understand your anger, Ken. GOD understands. As a priest, clinical psychologist once said on our local televised Roman Mass, it;’s OK to be angry with God. God understands. God has big shoulders and can handle your pain and anger. You are all in our prayers daily. I’ve takena temp job for 6 weeks–enough of retirement already! When I get caught up on some bills esp. an astronomical electric/gas bill, I’ll check your “wish list” and see if I can help. God continues to be with you ALL, Ken. And, again,. I have faith that He WILL indeed, set it all right in the end.
Peace my brother,
PK & Tim

I promise to not say anything dumb or to leave you thinking, “you can NEVER imagine” because I know I can’t. Just wanted to remind you again, I’m here..reading….caring and always aware of what those animals took from your family !

Ken, although I view your struggle as greater than mine, I know exactly how you feel. I am right there with you as far as not being suicidal, but at the same time not dreading the end.

I used to wonder, “why me?” I learned the answer: because there is evil in this world, and it has to be somebody who suffers. I don’t wish it on anybody, but I must accept the evil that has befallen me, and my greatest wish is that my suffering spares another innocent person from having it on their shoulders instead.

There is a heaven, Ken, and some day, I will see you, and Ryan, and Alex there, and I will be overjoyed.