I Worked as a Dominatrix to Pay Off My Student Loans

The first thing that tripped me up was figuring out what to wear to the job interview. I couldn't exactly ask my mother, and it's not really the kind of thing you can Google. I actually called the hiring manager at the S&M dungeon back up and asked them, and I'm so glad I did. They were like, no, please don't show up in a catsuit. Wear what you would wear to a normal job interview.

Of course, there's nothing normal about trying to get a job as a dominatrix. Yes, they were trying to gauge my experience level, but, in this case, that meant questions like, have you ever been spanked? Have you ever done OTK? Or CBT? It wasn't until later that I learned those acronyms — over-the-knee spanking, and cock-and-ball torture — so I bluffed my way through. I was only 22 years old. I thought blow jobs were kinky at that point.

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I didn't move to Los Angeles from my hometown in Texas to become a dominatrix. I attended the University of Southern California (USC), where I majored in archaeology. The life of an archaeologist seemed so romantic when I was a teenager; I was going to get my Ph.D. and do field work and money wouldn't matter. Then the real world snuck in. The academic path takes years, and it's not as if you finish with all of these high-paying job prospects. You're competing for grants and professor jobs, just fighting for money your whole career. I was graduating USC with $100,000 in debt, and I felt ill at the idea of taking on more.

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Deciding not to pursue a career in archaeology was a relief, but now I had no idea what to do with my life. I got a super entry-level gig at a consulting firm, working on a team that was buying medical equipment for a hospital under construction. I knew nothing about construction or medical equipment, so it was nice to learn something new, but I'd sit at my desk thinking, is this all there is? Is this the rest of my life? Am I boring? That was scary to me.

Courtesy of Jenny Nordbak

My personal life wasn't any more satisfying. I had a series of relationships in college that fizzled, but it wasn't the guys' faults. I didn't know what I wanted. I just embodied whatever I thought they wanted me to be. Sex was never particularly thrilling, but I figured that was typical for college.

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I can't really pinpoint the moment when I knew I might have edgier turn-ons. There was a moment once where I found one of my mom's dirty romance novels, and I remember a scene where a woman was kinda-maybe being forced into sex, but then she was into it so it was OK. It was so hot to me. I had never tried anything like that in my own life — I was too nervous to ask a partner for anything in bed, let alone something really kinky or weird. What if he laughed at me?

So I kept S&M fantasies in the back of my mind. This was about two years before Fifty Shades of Grey, and there wasn't a ton of information out there for women. Bored after another soulless day at work, I searched "BDSM" online. Amid a lot of alarming porn and hilarious fan-fiction, I found a website for a "dungeon" in Los Angeles. A banner ad along the side said, "Now hiring. No experience necessary!" I decided to call. What would I lose?

That's how I wound up at the job interview. I wanted to learn more about these kinks and more about sex, and I liked that they were willing to teach me. The staff seemed like professionals, and they were clearly into this stuff. They wouldn't judge me for my own interests.The dungeon decided to give me a shot, but they wanted me to start out as a submissive to clients, getting tickled and tied up and all of that stuff. I had to learn what that pain and humiliation felt like before I inflicted it on others.

I didn't really enjoy being a submissive — it didn't turn me on the way being in control did —but it definitely helped me understand the mindset when you're at someone's mercy. Between sessions, I sat in the dressing room with all of the professional dominatrices and asked them tons of questions. I probably made them crazy! How do you tie this knot? How hard can you crack a whip? The women were fascinating. One was in her fifties, a former Vegas show girl. She was such a badass. A few were in law school. Another woman was in the symphony. It was a side job for most of us — a way to pay the bills that was a lot more interesting than waitressing. The environment was so supportive and uplifting and loving. I had never experienced that with women before.

I had to learn what that pain and humiliation felt like before I inflicted it on others.

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On a typical day, half of the clients were walk-ins and the other half made appointments with specific girls (our photos and specialties were on the dungeon's website, or we had already worked with them in the past). If he was a walk-in, the staffer at the front desk would ask the client whether he wanted to be a dom or sub, and then would have each of us who were on shift meet with him. He'd have a little interview, a speed date of sorts, with each girl to talk about what he wanted us to do. Some guys knew exactly what they wanted — they'd pull out a list of their kinks, and some guys had actual scripts — but others had never spoken this stuff aloud before. They were so embarrassed and nervous. I'd have to play therapist, slowly teasing out what they liked.

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It took a while for me to figure out what I liked. To some extent, my "persona" at work was tailored to whatever the client was into. Did he want to be humiliated or controlled? Should I be angry and loud or gentle and quiet? I struggled with ropes, so bondage was never going to be my thing. I learned some quick and dirty binds, but if you wanted some elaborate shibari situation, I wasn't your girl. I enjoyed using floggers, crops, and paddles, though. Some of the other women were uncomfortable with humiliating guys, but I found it kind of fun! It was like a linguistic challenge: How do you get into someone's head and make them feel small, powerless?

We made about $100 per hour, and some guys would tip on top of that. A tip could be $20 or $1,000. It totally depended on the client. I'd walk out at night with $400 from some guy giving me a foot massage while I insulted him. It was awesome!

I worked at the dungeon at night for two years, and in that time I paid off about half of my loans. It allowed me to stop worrying about money every minute. I actually started having some savings. I kept my day job at the consulting firm, and that's ultimately why I had to stop my dominatrix work; I was actually getting promoted there, earning more responsibilities and more money. Plus, living a double life was exhausting. I was lying to almost everyone close to me.

Courtesy of Jenny Nordbak

Now I'm 29 and everyone knows about my past — because I wrote a book about it. The Scarlett Letters came out in April. My family and friends have been really supportive, and not one person said anything nasty (at least, not to my face). I told my now-husband early in our relationship, during a walk on the beach. He didn't freak out; instead, he listened and listened, then said that my past made me me, a person he loved. Now we have an 18-month-old son, and I even told the other women in my mommy book club. They all read my book and we discussed it a club meeting. Everyone was so curious and had about a million questions.

I'm not sure how or when I'll tell my son about my past. He's just learning to talk, so it's so hard to imagine the man that he'll become. I hope I raise an open-minded kid. Plus, kids today are so liberal about sexuality! Gender, sex, whatever. They all think it's a construct.

One of the only things I miss about BDSM work is the connections I would form with clients. Being a dominatrix made me realize how superficial we are most of the time; we all just walk around with guards up, trying to blend in, afraid of being judged for any wrong move. I miss seeing people get really vulnerable. Some of us never get there.