aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) You will get laid. Well and often. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) Talk to the crotch ’cause the face ain’t listening. gemini (May 21st-June 21st) Do not go to the Olive Garden this week. cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd) If your partner won’t dress up like a Catholic School nun and spank your […]

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) The chance of reuniting with someone from your past or getting together with someone at your work this week is, like, huge. Huge. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) Here’s your problem: You’re such a wuss! Here’s your solution: Make the damn call already. You may be pleasantly surprised. And even if you’re not, […]

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) You’ve got a secret horoscope this week, aries. In order to decode this very important message, you’ve got to crack the code. Hint: take one step back and two steps forward. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) Love and money will go hand in hand this week. Of course, you should never rule […]

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) It’s time to sign your own Declaration of Independence: You are better off being friends with everyone for now until you […]

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) If you’re not with someone who’s got their head in the game (or at least between your thighs), start thinking about trading players. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) It’s probably best to avoid slipping some Spanish Fly into your partner’s cocktail, attempting stealth hypnosis, or tying them to your bedpost in the […]

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) The time to take action is now, but don’t do it with force — use your head. Your ability to be […]

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) You’ve got more pep than a Mountain Dew commercial, and this week, everyone’s going to want to do the Dew. If […]

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, we get our inspiration from the best place to get life advice (besides here): fortune cookies. aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Socializing will […]

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) This week, beware of smooth talkers, smooth criminals, smooth moves, and X-Lax. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) Spontaneity will win you […]

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) They say they’re single. Who are you to believe them? Truth eludes us all. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) If you […]