Lord Ashcroft's penchant for lavatorial humour more appropriate that it seems

Former Tory deputy chairman Lord Ashcroft tells his 12,000 Twitter followers that a ‘strange urinal blew my pee all over the place’ – and posts a picture of a Dyson Airblade hand dryer. A few weeks ago, the multi-millionaire polling guru advised his fans: ‘Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.’ The peer’s penchant for lavatorial humour is appropriate, given his forthcoming biography of David Cameron, which is co-authored with Isabel Oakeshott, the journalist who landed Vicky Pryce in jail. ‘Ashcroft’s going to s*** all over Dave,’ says a Tory source.

Lord Ashcroft's forthcoming biography of David Cameron is co-authored with Isabel Oakeshott, the journalist who landed Vicky Pryce in jail

The BBC’s deputy political editor James Landale quizzed locals in Richmond-upon-Thames about the proposed expansion of nearby Heathrow Airport and found one local totally unconcerned. ‘Richmond is a lovely place and I watch the planes go by every day,’ he said. Landale failed to identify his informant as actor Henry ‘The Fonz’ Winkler, of the ancient TV series Happy Days, who is appearing as Captain Hook, in Richmond Theatre’s pantomime.

The Garrick Club, haunt of journalists and lawyers, has a hive of bees on its roof. Currently they’re in hibernation but ere long they’ll be a-buzzing around the West End in search of pollen. Is there a must-have, top class Queen Bee? I inquire. My source says: ‘There is only one Queen Bee here – our most revered senior member, Sir Donald Sinden, whose 90th birthday we marked recently with a party.’ Marvellous Sir Donald is ‘a ham so rare he cannot be cured’, they say.

The always-keen-to-be noticed Labour MP for Leicester East, Keith Vaz, tables an Early Day Motion saying: ‘That this House congratulates Leicester Forest East resident Sam Bailey on her stunning and triumphant victory in the X Factor final on Sunday; notes that her outstanding range and spectacular voice has inspired the nation; believes that her victory is further evidence that Leicester is the capital of culture; and calls on the whole country to congratulate and applaud Sam Bailey.’ A jumbo-sized sick bag, please!

More timely advice from social expert Pippa Middleton, who writes in Woman magazine: ‘Mark glasses for your guests at smaller gatherings so they don’t lose track of their drinks. Buy glass tags online, write guests’ names with glass paint that comes off in the dishwasher – or, use pretty ribbons in a rainbow of colours. My mum has a ribbon tied to hers because she’s always losing her own glass and takes everyone else’s!’ Do William and Kate, as I do, amuse themselves by reading aloud Pippa’s party guidance?

The History Boys by Alan Bennett is our favourite play, according to an English Touring Theatre poll. But would the story – about a brilliant teacher who lusts after boys in his charge – be quite so popular if its author wasn’t unmarried Bennett, 79. Discuss.

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Lord Ashcroft's penchant for lavatorial humour more appropriate that it seems