Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Elvis should not have a beard. Wayne Cochran never had a beard because, as a good American, Wayne Cochran knows that only homosexuals, hippies, and the Lord Jesus Christ are permitted to wear facial hair. Elvis should not have a beard.

Mick Jagger should not have a beard, even though he is rocking that shit so hard that I am now pregnant from having looked at it.

Neither Robert Plant nor Jimmy Page should have beards because this is how they wear them: Robert looks like the Anonymous mask, and Jimmy resembles Arlo Guthrie’s brother. (Arlo Guthrie’s brother is his lyricist, and his name is John Perry Barlo Guthrie.)

Representative Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) should not have a beard, but she knew what she was getting herself into. Wives always know.