Breaking Bad: Albuquerque newspaper runs Walter White obituary

After Walter White met his demise in Breaking Bad‘s series finale, The Albuquerque Journal decided to pay respects to one of their own — with a fake obituary printed in the real paper.

The paper’s obit cites Walt as a 52-year-old man who died after a “long battle with cancer, and a gunshot wound.” They also refer to him as a “co-founder of Gray Matter,” which we’re pretty sure Gretchen and Elliott Schwartz would complain about … if they weren’t still living in fear of death by laser pointer.

Walt was also a “research chemist who taught high school chemistry” and “later founded a meth manufacturing empire,” according to the Journal. Good choice of words: If they hadn’t said “empire,” we’re pretty sure the ghost of Heisenberg would’ve shot them dead (with an M60 in the trunk of his ghost mobile).

Apparently, a “private memorial” was held by his family — which leads us to believe Skyler had some booze and a cigarette (or five), Marie protested, and Flynn stayed at Louis’ house. If you’d like to honor a man who will be “greatly missed” (probably only by Holly), the Journal asks that you donate to a “drug abuse prevention charity of your choice.” Maybe Gretchen and Elliott’s?

To be fair, Walt never abused drugs; he only made it possible for other people to abuse the best the drug he had to offer. After all, who would drink generic soda when they could guzzle classic Coke?