What AM Learned From TV Last Night

What Did AM Learn From TV Last Night?

Even with the distracting Emmy Awards, Sunday night programming didn’t fail to deliver sex, blood and the Detroit Lions’ inglorious losing streak. While your minds were relishing the last moments of thoughtless activity before the workweek, we meticulously studied every cathode tube moment and gleamed important lessons. These morals should be kept with you throughout the week, giving you valuable insight — like fortune cookies, only tastier.

Strike Quickly, Fight Ugly

“The British are coming,” continuously, at the Sterling Cooper agency on Mad Men. The top brass visits New York from England. Bert Cooper predicts that they’re going to promote Don, but instead they bring a new Brit named Guy McKendrick to take over. After just getting used to that nerd Lane, now the men have to break in a new Red Coat. And they do, right away. Ken just landed the John Deere account with his nonchalant charm and celebrates with a riding mower in the office. This sets up the perfect “accident,” with Smitty putting Lois behind the wheel and aiming the mower at Guy’s foot. Rob Zombie-esque blood splatter, and the new guy is broken in. That’s how Americans ride.

Crash a Housewarming Party

Jerry Jones and the Cowboys were so proud of their new $1.15 billion stadium that they invited Rudy Giuliani, Roger Staubach, Tony Dorsett, Troy Aikman, and George W. and Laura Bush to celebrate. They opened with a video comparing the structure to the Great Wall of China and the Roman Colosseum. The night seemed perfect; the team was even playing well, taking the Giants to task. However, Eli Manning and company decided to piss in the punchbowl. They couldn’t let their rivals go home happy and pulled ahead with a field goal in the final seconds to crush all Dallas’ good cheer. Next time they get a new house, the Cowboys should invite the Lions. They’re quiet party guests.

When God Closes a Window, He Opens a Melrose Place

Entourage’s Johnny Drama hates life on the show Five Towns. His character’s facial lacerations have become infected and he’s “headed for a coma.” The former star of Viking Quest, Drama knows bad TV twists, so his prediction is founded. Just then, he learns the new Melrose Place is interested in him for a role. However, remember, Drama, sometimes those pastures just look greener from the other side of the fence. Turtle has been eying a sorority girl at his college. Jamie-Lynn may give him the chance to act on his urges, since it looks like she’s going to New Zealand to star in a new series, but this young girl will pale in comparison. Trust us, Turtle.

Fake Mustaches, Funnier Than Doogie

The Emmys were on last night and we couldn’t help but click by to see if Mad Men won. Of course, they did. Neil Patrick Harris did a swell job hosting the Emmys, but does he have to sing at every awards show now? However, after all the writing, choreography and vocal coaching, the funniest moment came when the camera panned to Sarah Silverman for her Best Actress in a Comedy Series nomination. She wore a fake mustache and gazed deadpan into the camera. Sorry, Tina Fey. We have a new comedy sex fantasy, Silverman… wearing the mustache.

This Week In Gosselin: Hide Where No One is Looking… Buffalo

In a string of worst-week-evers for this Ed-Hardy, Gosselin’s babysitter Stephanie Santoro gave an interview with In Touch magazine claiming they had a month-long affair. She said they hung out in the hot tub and Gosselin told her: “Whatever you do, don't fall in love with me, because it's going to be impossible for me not to fall in love with you.” If that doesn’t make him look bad enough, she said the sex “wasn’t terrible.” Not a vote of confidence to his abilities. What’s Gosselin doing during all of this? According to his Twitter page: hanging out in Buffalo at FrightWorld. For some reason this haunted house theme park wanted him there to sign autographs. More like he’s hiding in the city that time forgot. People there are too worried about the Bills to punch him.