When You've Been Cheated On: What to Say/Do, Moving On Tips

In the past year, I’ve heard more than a handful of stories of people breaking into their romantic partner’s phone in a jealous, paranoid haze. I’ve heard these stories from clients and friends, acquaintances and co-workers. In fact, it seems to have become so common that people actually feel comfortable—or justified—to disclose such behavior. When someone reaches the point of secretly accessing their partner’s voicemails, texts, and e-mails due to suspicisons of infidelity, all has been lost in the relationship—regardless of whether the cheatee's investigation proves guilt or innocence.

If we take a moment to understand the behavior, it makes sense: You need to know the answer, so you do whatever it takes to get the information you need. The problem, however, is that there is no clear end to your pursuit once you cross certain boundaries. If the phone check doesn’t turn up what you’re looking for, for example, what’s next? Following them when they leave the house? Asking their friends for information? The pursuit only leaves the cheatee feeling more frustrated as their anxiety mounts.

There are endless consequences of such intrusive, privacy-shattering behaviors, but one stands out, in particular. The worst consequence is the fact that the cheatee often starts feeling out of control and questions their own sanity, which is ultimately unfair to the cheatee. In the majority of cases, a person who starts doubting the faithfulness of their partner has a reason to worry. People have well-honed survival mechanisms, and they can pick up on a trace of infidelity when it lingers in the air. How well they cope with their suspicion determines whether they let the suspicions undo them or rise above the pain.

If you start suspecting that your partner is having an affair, your instinct is telling you that something is wrong. What you do with that instinct is one hundred percent in your control. You must broach the issue with your partner once you sense that the behavior reflects a pattern and isn’t an isolated day or two of strange behavior, and give your partner a chance to respond. Most partners will deny cheating, so it’s your job to deal with your feelings and your instinct which tell you your partner is guilty.

If your instinct tells you that your partner is cheating despite his or her repeated denials, you need to make a decision: trust your partner or leave the relationship. There is no middle ground when it comes to this kind of relationship struggle. When someone starts breaking into his partner’s phone, the cheatee reduces himself or herself to desperate actions and often ends up engaging in the same kind of inappropriate behavior that the cheater engaged in to begin with.

The number one goal in a relationship should be that you can say that you’re proud of who you are in the relationship—that you’re good, kind, and respectful. Even if you sense that the relationship is going to end because of your partner’s cheating, don’t let your primitive anger get the best of you. Say to yourself that your goal is to be proud of the way you end the relationship—because that’s a reflection on you, not your partner. So many of the intense feelings we feel—lust, rage, and fear—end up causing us harm because we give in to them, letting them control our behavior. Yet if we give into some of our most base and intense feelings, we often end up engaging in behavior that makes us look or feel bad later.

You should never put yourself in a situation with a cheater where you look like the crazy person, because you’d be throwing yourself under the bus and distracting everyone from the fact that what the cheater did was wrong. Though it’s never easy to walk away, it’s better to leave with your integrity than to end a relationship adrift in a sea of self-doubt and paranoia.

I really wish I could have read this e-mail over 5 years ago. This article could not be anymore spot on. After years of me having suspicious feelings I still ended up engaged and pregnant with this man. Throughout the time my insecurities made me look/sound crazy. People talked about me as if I was this unhinged person. 2 weeks after I had our son I found the proof in pictures and e-mails. It seriously was the most devastating moment in my life. I definitely lost my mind and gave into the anger and hurt. Thank God I was able to(about 2 years later)finally leave the relationship and have been rebuilding my life ever since. To anyone reading this, if you know that being insecure and jealous are not your nature and you feel as if your significant other is cheating... leave. The heartache and pain that come with holding out for 'evidence' is not worth it one bit!

Totally disagree with this. I employed a private detective, bought a keylogger for the computer and got access to his email account. I was right to do this. To say that you have to trust or leave is a simplification that indicates to me that you have never been in this situation. To walk out of a 20 year marriage, where you are a stay-at-home mother with four small dependent children is not a decision you take lightly. You need to be sure of what you are doing. The cheater tries desperately to convince the cheatee that he or she is paranoid and given that this is coming from the person you decided to trust most in the whole world it can be quite convincing. In order to preserve your own sanity you need to know the truth. I learned the real meaning of the term 'the truth will set you free'. I would advice anyone who suspects that they are being cheated on to spy on their partner to know the truth and in over 90% of cases they are right.
This is absolutely not the same kind of behaviour as the cheater. Your statement is like saying that defending yourself against someone who is attacking you is engaging in the same behaviour. It is not.
I totally disapprove of this advice.

this article pisses me off. it puts the crazy behavior on the faithful partner. WRONG. no matter what happened- the cheater was the one who did the wrong thing. if there were problems in the relationship he/she could have dealt with them in other honest ways like communicating, counseling, or ending the relationship.

the faithful partner is in a traumatized state after this fundamental trust has be broken.

if the cheater wants to repair things, than he/she needs to quit gaslighting. Own up to what he/she did and offer a heartfelt apologize, rebuild trust by making his/her phone available, or leave the relationship, but still offer a heartfelt apology and remorse.

I hacked her phone and found out she was having a 8 month affair. The truth was so much worse then I ever could have imagined. The two of them were literally one week away from cleaning out my bank account and running away together. I found out the truth just in time by hacking into her cell phone. I found out truths I didn't even think I wanted to know, but so glad that I did. If not for my suspicions and subsequent actions, it could have ruined my life. Disagree with this article 100%.

so sorry!! articles like this are idiotic- putting the blame on the victim. You make a valid point- if you had not hacked into her cell phone, you would have not only been emotionally devastated, but financially as well. Whoever wrote this article is a complete IDIOT!

The comments are exactly correct. There is no shame in learning the truth. Once I learned the truth by spying. Then I peacefully walked away. She is the one who lost emotional control and ended up in the psych ward then eventually she landed is jail as her whole life spun out of control from that point. Spying was the best choice I ever made for myself. I felt completely within my rights to protect myself. I felt no shame for spying and it didn't make me do crazy things.

You need to remember that a lot of the people that read PT are just fine emotionally and don't need to come and see someone like you for therapy. This might be a great article for your patients but for emotionally healthy people it is a travesty.

There is no such thing as an honest cheater. It is senselessness to ask someone if they are cheating on you. What do you think the answer would be? All that would happen is that the cheater would do a better job of covering their tracks and you could end up dead with some kind of virus or disease. An emotionally healthy person that suspected cheating would stop spying pretty soon if no evidence turned up.

Cheaters are extremely selfish and childish. They don't want to loose their primary relationship for something that might not be a sure thing and try to keep the monogamous partner from having a choice of their own. If a person would leave a relationship first before moving on to someone else then that wouldn't be cheating now would it. But that isn't at all what happens is it? Everyone has a right to their personal happiness even the one that feels the need to spy.

Articles like these are giving immoral cheaters a sickening sense of moral power.

Your article would be a great one if you would have kept it in your office for your patients. Out here on the internet is just wrong.

I'd rather make the decision to divorce or reconcile based on facts, not the lies of a cheating spouse. If your gut tells you they are cheating, they are probably cheating. They shouldn't need to hide emails or have a password protected phone, and if they do, they should have no problem sharing the password with you.

You don't need to put yourself in a situation where you appear or feel crazy, the cheater did that for you. You need to prove to yourself that you aren't crazy, and that your gut is true.

To hide your head in the sand, you end up either splitting up a family never really knowing the real reason why, so no chance to learn from the situation. That might appear pretty crazy to outsiders, just left the family because of gut feelings.

By getting proof, you also can control the narrative as far as the cheating spouse telling family and friends lies about you and the situation. They'll say you cheated, that's why you divorced.. or you beat them.. abused them, they'll make up all sorts of lies. It's what they do. So now your children can think the cheater was a saint, and the faithful spouse was a horrible person.

This article gives terrible advice.

If you suspect your spouse is cheating, there are many red flags (your gut will keep warning you). Then look into it. Find out where they're going. Check your phone bill. You may end up divorced.. you may end up reconciled, but either way you'll know why. A soft confrontation will drive the affair under ground.

The word "cheat" alone indicates a fraud or abuse and more often than not the faithful partner is not "breaking into" anything. They typically discover something quite by accident and then look deeper into it. That's basic due diligence.

One thing to take away from this is the exit point. If you are not careful the investigation itself becomes an obsession and you lose sight of the goal - which was to answer a few simple questions: What, when, for how long, and am I in danger?

I have no issue with the spying - it's not knowing when to stop that does additional damage to the victims self-esteem and person.