Ugly Americans (2010) s01e14 Episode Script

The Manbirds

We tend to dream for things to be different. [coin clinks] [wind whistling] Longing for the life we wish we had instead of the one we're stuck with. [gasps] Holy Christ. Did you feed the manbirds? You crazy bitch. [squawks] Suck my balls! Suck my balls! - Breasts! - Queef! - Tit! - Fart! Run for it! Suck my balls! Breasts! [screams] I personally think it's better to focus on what's in front of you. [yelps] Jeremy? You're on your own! Oh, my God, no! Oh, I hate him during manbird season. Ooh! Balls! [goat bleats] Sorry I'm late. Where is everyone going? And why are you dressed like the Village People? Twayne is shutting down the D.O.I. for, uh What reason now? Renovations. Which should not be arousing any suspicion whatsoever. I'm headed to the Catskills for three days at the world-renowned Demon Works Spa and Retreat. I'm going to get some R&R by putting myself into a state of suspended animation. Bink. I'm going manbird hunting upstate. [squawking] Suck my balls! Suck my balls! I'd be able to hunt them in the city if Manhattan wasn't full of bleeding heart turd lovers. - Like you. - Whoa! Twayne, this was really quite generous of you. Just my way of saying you're indispensable. Now, everybody hit the bricks. Don't get handsy. Touch me again, and I'll kill you. [groaning] Oh, no. Leave it. Since the building is being vacated, I thought we might try a field trip to the Museum of Natural History, check out the manbird exhibit. What say, gang? Technically, he can have us deported. - Sure. - Sounds like fun. - Let's to do this. - [squeaks] I know you don't like wearing the leash, Doug. I certainly don't like holding the leash. So how about a promise to stay with the group? Mmm. They're all gone. Phase one complete. [car horn honking] [over recording] Manbirds originate from a landmass in the South Pacific, which the locals call Scrot-Cheese island. It was there, during the spring of 1967, that honeymooning New York cabbie Vic Caminetti decided to bring two of them home because he found them, "hilarious as balls." [recording beeps] The quickly divorced Caminetti outfitted them with proper footwear and fed them spare change, permanently altering their abnormally adaptable digestive systems to now require a strict diet of pennies, dimes, and nickels. [recording beeps] Caminetti also taught the birds their trademark colorful expressions. Press the button to hear a few. Suck my balls! Put your cheeks into it! I'm gonna bang your mouth! You can only wonder what might have happened had the manbird been brought over by somebody more sophisticated. Eat my cheese! Give me a squirt! Okay, that's enough. You're gonna break it. [recording beeps] Many people mistake the long, tubular appendage hanging from the crotch for their genitalia. However, it is merely a protective flap, known as the sheath, guarding their tiny, hideous sex organs from danger, sunburn, and mockery. - Ew! - Oh, boy. Heavier than it looks. Okay, folks, that's lunch. Who wants a hot dog? Okay, everyone, count off. - One. - Two. - One. - Two. Is one. Well, let me guess. Ooh, ooh! [whimpering] [trash cans banging] [wings fluttering] [squeals] Suck my balls! [tires screech] [whimpering] Thwap! Looks like we've got a purse snatcher. Boss, you can't use a shotgun in the city. Well, then it looks like the big dog's coming out. [zipper unzips] And by "big dog," I mean my [bleep]. And by "[bleep]," I mean my penis. Yah! [laughs] I haven't seen old blue in 25 years. And by "old blue," I mean [bleep]. [squawks] [blows landing] [fabric ripping] Ah! [whimpers] You'll rue the day I ever took my pants off. [whistling] Doug? [grunting] Grimes! [blows landing] No! [groans] [grunting] [laughing maniacally] [weakly] Gobble my knob! [vomiting] Dear God, no. What have I done? You killed him. Not him. That's a female. I hadn't noticed the slightly smaller testicles. Holy What is that smell? It's like a burning skunk dipped in diarrhea. She released her death spray all over my penis to alert the males in her flock. [manbirds shouting] Suck my balls! Swallow my knob! I'm a marked man, until I find her mate and kill him. For the love of God, let me in! Sorry, boss. You know we can't do that. You're dead to us now. [tires squealing] It's 1987 all over again. [manbirds shouting] If I didn't see that this morning! - Hey, put your pants on. - Yeah, I'm gonna be there. Breakfast is from I'd get there early if I were you. [sighs] Let's get this over with. Frere jacques Frere jacques Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous? Frere jacques Frere jacques Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous? Oh, my gosh. This is the same sock. You must be the baby of the one Grimes killed. Aw. - Ahh - You look like an Albert. Albert. I knew it! Mmm. Can't just leave you here to die. Frere jacques Frere jacques Frere jacques Frere jacques Yes! Fantastic. Now we're gonna try it in canon. Wait for my cue. - # Frere jacques # - # Frere- # No, you got to wait for my cue. My cue will look like that. - Here it comes. - # Frere jacques # Okay, no, it's just getting worse, and that makes me nervous. Both: # It's getting to the point # Yes! Both: # Where I'm no fun anymore # No, okay, you're giving me Crosby, and I'm looking for Nash. This is where I am. [low voice] And this is where you need to be. Can you make that sound, please, right now? Both: # Hahh # There it is. Lock it in. Both: # It's getting to the point # No. What's happening? We had this. What the fuck are you doing? I could easily ask you the same question. This is my roof garden. I come up here for tranquility. Not to listen to a couple of gay-lords screech and piss all over each other. In one short walk home, I have proven that manbirds can have the vulgarity trained completely out of them. You understand how dangerous it is to separate a manbird from its flock, right? He'll fly off when his wings grow. He'll be gone by morning. I don't know where that's even coming from at this point. [manbirds shouting] I'm gonna bang your mouth! Suck my balls! Without the D.O.I. to keep them out, manbirds are swarming into the city. I would like to propose a toast. To pure evil. May nothing stand in its path or deter it from its-- So how long have you been a limo driver? [partition whirring] This is gonna be a long ride. [sighs] I thought you might still be here. [chewing] I was up all night knitting these. Mulberry is a surprisingly hard shade of purple yarn to find. [kissing noises] That may be the single most disgusting thing I've ever seen. What, do you live up here now? It's called compassion. No, my entire stable took turns pissing on his head all morning. [manbirds shouting] [speed bag thudding] What is all this? Cockfighting is huge coin, dude, especially when you get to the upper echelons. You're a manbird trainer now. You invited this plague on our roof. I'm playing the hand I was dealt. Suck my balls! [walls creaking] [rats squeaking] And thank you, Twayne. You are welcome. Oh! Totally saw a nip. Choose your words very carefully. [in demon voice] What are you doing here? All right, fellas, I'll catch up with you later. Oh, or you can stay. Totally cool. I'm afraid I have a bit of a confession to make. You see, I didn't bring you up here for a vacation. Hand me my robe. [banging at door] [gasps] Ay, dios mio! Senor grimes [speaking Spanish] You know what I'm here for, Magdalena. I've never been so sure of anything in my life. Gary had the connections to secure the garden. I took care of the manbird ordinance by shutting down the D.O.I. But how are you planning on getting 100,000 paying manbirds in the garden? You're looking at him. [growling] Balls! Arturo, the greatest cockfighter in manbird history. The fans eat him up like Kennedy half-dollars. I really think you may have a shot here. Your fighter is literally slapping the piss out of that other guy. No, the other guy is Arturo. Oh. We can't figure out what's wrong with him. Suck [wheezes] my balls. [sighs] He's distraught because his ex wife was recently murdered. Suck my balls. She was a purse snatcher, a disgrace. Suck my balls. But they have a son, a son he's never met. - Suck my balls. - He says it's over. The fight's gone out of him. - Suck my balls. - He wants vengeance. The cock of the man who murdered his ex wife. Looks like we got ourselves an interpreter. [knocking at door] What's the password? It's '87 all over again! [door squeaks open] [all sniffing] No sudden moves. They can smell her death squirt on me, and it's driving them crazy. [manbirds shouting] [growls] Yah! Feathered freak! Ugh. [grunting] Yah! Whap! [laughs] - The winner! - Oh, easy! Oh, yes, give me his socks. Ah. One of you knows who this belongs to. You tell him that sound he hears in his nightmares, it's the collector coming for his socks! [muffled high-pitched babbling] They really should have made this mouth hole bigger. [manbirds shouting angrily] I think I badly injured my penis. I need to go to a hospital now. Adios! Oh! Yow! Here's your $37. I don't know who would sew a fake manbird head on and join the cockfighting circuit, but you and me are gonna make some serious money together. Randall, it's me, Grimes. [muffled groaning] [electronic zapping] [shushes] Get your rest. You call that a camel toe? Put your cheeks into it! Mr. Caminetti, hi. Grimes told me you might be able to help me find Albert's father. [vomits] Vomit, classic. Manbirds use within the first 48 hours of life. So basically, you ruined the butt-scab as soon as you taught him to sing. Maybe I could teach him to speak manbird. Manbird is the most difficult and least popular language on the planet. There's over 500 variations of this phrase alone. Say it loud. Say it proud. [hisses] Suck my balls. Ah! You just called my father a coward. Suck my balls! Now you're asking for salad. You'll come eight times a week for the next three months, twice on Sundays. Gonna be a lot of throat work. Feel the way my larynx vibrates. Suck my balls! Suck my balls! Suck my balls! Feel that? Ooh, yeah, a lot of resonance there. Can you just excuse me for one quick second? Okay, Albert, there's no way I'm going back into that man's apartment, so I'm going to ask you to listen to track 35 on my recently purchased playlist. Born free As free as the wind blows Still fighting a flatness issue on the breaks, but your phrasing is coming along very nicely. Follow your heart [sweet lullaby music] [whimpering] You fly free, little manbird. [wings fluttering] Oh! [groans] That's trouble. You threw him off the roof? I thought you were a social worker! He looked ready. Clearly, he wasn't. [cymbals crashing] I'm keeping a mental journal to try to slow my descent into madness. God knows how many manbirds I've slaughtered. I'm known to them only as the Collector because I collect their socks, and, God, do they hate me for it. Somewhere buried deep in my brain is the name Grimes. But I don't even know what that means anymore. I feel like I've fought on every rooftop in Manhattan. Looking for the one they call Arturo. It's all a blur of taints, scrot-cheese, and dirty socks. And the same question keeps running through my head: How do you scratch an itch when your fingers have been sewn together? Is the lady of the house in? Mark's not here. Found a new bird to play with. I'm here for you, and I'm not here to play nice, at least. She gives me a $5 foot-long. Hold the tomatoes. Boy, you really like those sandwiches. We've heard you manage the Collector. [choking] Yeah, that's him over there. He's got a sledgehammer for a dick, and manbirds pay top coin to see him fight. And the cage? Keeps him on edge. And it's pretty funny. [laughter] [growls] Bring him out, Bumbles. Ah, ooh! Suck! My balls! Come and get it, Arturo. I use her sock to keep my kielbasa warm. [muffled babbling] Anyone have a clue what this idiot's trying to say? Not one word. Over 100,000 manbirds are expected at Madison Square Garden tomorrow night to witness these two moral enemies going at each other. Luckily, I will not be there to report. The smell should be excruciating. Mark, get in here! They're talking about my fight on the news. I'm too busy right now. It's getting to the point where I'm no fun anymore Never thought I'd get sick of that song. [hacking] There goes my laundry money. Hey, don't get rid of that water. I got to wash my fighter's cock. I think Albert's peed in here, like, a lot. That's okay. It's full of ammonia. Oh, my God. Look at those socks. How would you like to meet your dad? [farts] I'm gonna take that as a yes and an inability to process quarters. [crowd shouting and cheering] Dimes, nickels, quarters. Get your quarters here. Dimes, nickels. You're in front of me? Your nose is literally bleeding. Yeah, Callie smacked me around pretty good. Now, remember what I told you. Slap and move. Slap and move. Slap and move. That's a champion over there. [bell dings] [roaring] Suck! My! Balls! Your language disgusts me and so does the odor of your dead ex all over my wang. Did I mention how small her balls were? [grunting] Oh! [grunting] [winces] [heartbeat pounding] [roaring] [yells] Oh! All: Suck my balls! Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls! [growls] [laughs] [roars] Piss! Piss! Piss! Piss! Piss! One, two, three. Suck my bollocks! What happened? Is Callie happy? Albert, I know, I tried this before, but if you don't fly right now, you may never meet your father. Huh? Change is a good thing. Speaking of which, I have no more change. So fly, if you know what's good for you. Eight, nine, ten. It's over. [bell dinging] I know we shouldn't say this, but he's clearly dead. [static feedback buzzing] Suck my balls? Oh, Danny boy The pipes, the pipes are calling I said I wouldn't do this. And down the mountainside [feedback buzzing] Suck my balls. [gagging] Huh? [sobbing] That's gonna leave an emotional mark. Is there a rear exit out of this place? Mm-mm-mm. We like to see the best in people We're gonna have to bulk you up. Is not much junk in the front. [mumbling] Or even things they'll never be. But people are who they are, and it's probably smart not to try to change them. - Suck my balls. - Don't mind if I do. And might I say, you offered your karma corn to me in perfect manbird. Such a subtle language, really. Now about that handjob