Today is the day that I read several conflicting accounts about the shape of Drake's celebrity penis and what he likes people to do or not do with his butthole while he touches said controversially shaped penis. Today is also the day that I realized that every other non-today day of my life has been wasted.

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This originally appeared on Gawker (via MediaTakeOut), but I think our Jez family deserves A Thread of One's Own.

Here is a taste of the story—which is probably false—supposedly written by a groupie Drake took back to his Calabasas mansion:

"He then laid on his back and was like "My Turn." MTO I was ready to suck the OXYGEN outta him and I did. After a few minutes he started pushing my head down, towards his b*lls. I sucked on them for a while and he pushed me down FURTHER to his butt hole. I never did that before, but it was Drake do I'm not gonna lie I did it.

It was weird eating a man's butt like that, but I'm a freak, and it was Drake LOL. He was laying there on the bed with his leg spread open and my face in his butt and his legs shaking."

...The author of the piece describes Drake's... piece this way:

"His d*ck is not really big, but it's THICK."

But another commenter, who asks that you check out her "52 INCH BOOTY" on Instagram at@QueenMother305, disputes this characterization:

"BTW Drake's dikk is not thick, I've seen it, It kinda comes to a point. He has a weird dikk. Maybe it's cuz of how he was circumcised since he's jewish. He's still sexy tho."

Jenny McCarthy wore out "probably 400 vibrators" before finally getting fiance Donnie D on the back-up. To repeat: That is 400 vibrators IN BETWEEN Jim Carrey and Donnie Wahlberg. Even taken as hyperbole, it is bare-minimum a lot of vibrators.

"I've been searching for the one—as you know, you were even helping me last time I was here trying to figure out people—so I went on a year of not dating, not f—king, doing nothing except being by myself," the engaged celeb stated.

She continued, "Basically I wanted a year of…I was just by myself."

However, Stern called her out when it came to being sexual, addressing that she must have at least dedicated some time for a little solo love—and he was right in assuming so. "I went through probably 400 vibrators," McCarthy, who will be premiering her own SiriusXM show on Wednesday, said, but added, "No men. Its like the same movie, different actors. I realized I had to reset."

Good for you, girl. McCarthy and I have our differences, but FEMALE SEXUAL PLEASURE WILL ONLY BE NORMALIZED AND DESTIGMATIZED THROUGH FRANK PUBLIC DISCUSSION. [E!]

Camille Grammer is pressing charges against her ex-boyfriend for beating her up in a hotel room and "humiliating her by shoving a hot dog in her mouth."

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Camille claims in her suit — filed by Larry Stein — Dimitri Charalambopoulos beat her to a pulp in the hotel room ... just after she returned from the hospital after undergoing cancer surgery.

Kelsey's ex is now counter-suing Dimitri — after he sued her for defamation — claiming her story is true and she has more than enough photos, witnesses and other evidence to establish it.

As for the hot dog allegation ... Camille says Dimitri is a drunk and once during a trip to Hawaii he was doing so many shots she asked him to stop. She says he reacted by shoving a hot dog in her mouth and commenting how much she enjoyed having hot dogs crammed down her throat.

And this allegation is even more shocking. Camille claims just after her surgery Dimitri came into the hospital while she was still hopped up on drugs. She says he put a ring on her finger, which she thought was sweet, until she became lucid a day or 2 later and noticed the ring had a plastic penis on it and she was wearing it in front of her family and the hospital staff.

This kid took a hilarious selfie with Paul McCartney and Warren Buffett. Which reminds me of a story someone once told me about how their mom was walking down the street in NYC and saw this dude and was like, "Hey! I know you from somewhere! Did we go to high school together?" and he was like, "Um, probably not," and she was like, "Ugh, but I'm SURE I KNOW YOU," and he was like "Gotta go, bye," and later she realized it was Paul McCartney. I can't remember who told me that story, so, um, sorry for stealing your mom's thunder, whoever you are. [HuffPo]

Ben Kingsley is going to play "Ay, the Grand Vizier to King Tutankhamun" in Spike TV's upcoming series Tut. [TheWrap]

Nickelodeon has canceled Sam & Cat. Ariana Grande released a long statement on Twitter. She is sad. [NYDN] [Twitter]

Pippa Middleton and her boyfriend are going to have a long-distance relationship. [JustJared]

Chrissy Teigen was once fired from a Forever 21 shoot for being "fat." [E!]