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Hey, Watch This!

There are a significant number of words and phrases out there that strike dread in the hearts of the American citizen: words like “Jihad” or “Ebola Virus” or “Next…on The Bachelor.” Luckily, we have the Department of Homeland Security to protect us from such contemptible utterances.

You remember the Department of Homeland Security…they are the masterminds behind the Thirty-Seven Billion Dollar Color-Coded Terrorist Threat Advisory System, wherein terrorist threat levels were represented by the candy-coated colors of green, blue, yellow, orange, and red. Unfortunately, this system did not work for a number of reasons.

Foremost is that color-coding did nothing for the average American but give them a craving for Skittles, which over the past 10 years has resulted in little more than childhood obesity, diabetes, and the Rainbow Coalition. Secondly, the ACLU and other champions of multiculturalism pointed out that the system was discriminatory against those colors not included in the chart, and Al Sharpton personally threatened escalation unless it were changed to look more like M&Ms.

But perhaps most telling of the system’s failure was that it was entirely ineffective in warning the color-blind, because whenever an announcement was made like, “The threat level is orange” all they would hear was, “The threat level is grey.”

So our current sharp-eyed leader of Homeland Security, Janet Neapolitan (herself consisting of three colors), recognizing that the color-coded system was indeed created by Republicans, had it changed, and instituted a much simpler system that is even easier to forget and pay no attention to.

“But,” I hear you saying, “what do I have to fear from these people? Aren’t we all on the same side? Homeland Security is just a division of the U.S. government that gropes old ladies and molests children for the purpose of making me miss my flight.” Sadly this statement is borne of ignorance. It is more correct to say, “Homeland Security are just a division of the U.S. government that gropes old ladies and molests children for the purpose of making me miss my flight.”

It is this same Homeland Security that, under the Freedom of Uninteresting and Useless Information Act, had to recently release a list of words and phrases they use to isolate and zero in on terroristic terrorism. Whenever one of these diabolical words shows up on a social network or blog, they immediately spring into action, sit at vigilant attention, and add a touch more cream to their coffee.

So in the spirit of keeping all seven of my readers off the naughty list and maybe increasing official government traffic on this site, I will give you a head’s up on what words and/or phrases you should avoid using online lest your googler be googled. (For your convenience, I will type words on the watch list in red; for our color-blind friends, they will appear in grey.)

Of course, there are words one would expect to find on any terrorism watch list–words like terrorism and chemical weapon and Starring Ben Affleck–that strike fear and trigger heightened awareness. This watch list exists because, like us, terrorists post drivel about their kids and themselves on social networks that nobody really cares about such as, “Little Achmed just finished his first Improvised Explosive Device (IED)! I guess he’s ready to collapse critical infrastructure and test national preparedness! Haha jk lol ; )” or, “Another Monday. Back to the ol‘ AQIM (Al Qaeda in the Islamic Maghreb). Boy do I need some coffee! Haha jk lol ; ).” While as laymen we would simply skim over these newsfeeds, a typical post like this has our boys in…um…whatever color they happened to be wearing ready to pounce.

But there are a few words on this list that are unexpected and can unknowingly lead to an innocent being held under highly scrutinous scrutiny–words like pork and cloud which unfortunately I did not know until after I changed my Facebook status to: “Had carnitas for lunch today and every where I go I am leaving a small pork cloud. Haha jk lol ; )”

Indeed, one must be careful for even if one were to naively post a true statement of fact like, “The new Subway gummi worm sandwich is a disaster” or “The Colorado Avalanche are a bunch of Hackers” one is exposed to unnecessary observation. Even Target and China are on the list, which makes the department store and everything they sell there subject to further inspection.

Also on the list are Crest (because suicide bombers prefer fresh breath), and Twister (a favorite game of the Taliban). Exercise is also on the list because anyone who takes part in exercise is obviously not a true American. The word Mexicle is on the list, which I think is what you get when you cross a Central American drug lord and a winter in Minnesota. And the only number on the list is 2600, which I presume has something to do with Dolly Parton’s bust.

So be careful out there in cyberspace. My one word of advice is this: stay away from the carnitas. Haha jk lol ; ).