Most of the topics I write about on my blog are things I find to be somewhat avoidable. If people just paid a little attention to their surroundings, and the other people therein, instead of being self-absorbed assholes all the time, I think I would be at least 50% less infuriated than I am in the current situations.

But there are also unavoidable things that really tick me off too, and today I’m going to talk about one of these: eating. Specifically, eating in public. Obviously, ingesting food is necessary for survival. And, as I’ve covered before, I love food. So I’m not saying people should stop eating around other people, because that’s an impossibility for countless reasons. But it doesn’t mean I have to find it enjoyable.

Because let’s face it: people are fucking slobs. Everyone is. I have never seen ONE person eating in public that didn’t make my stomach turn. The act of eating is just inherently gross, and it doesn’t matter if you’re eating a salad or a big greasy burger. All the rest of us can do is try and avert our eyes and focus on our own meal, knowing full well that we also look like gross slobs. Some people are worse than others, but right now I’m just talking about the general act of eating in public. There’s always crunching or squishing or spilling or swallowing or any of a plethora of other disgusting sounds that accompany eating. And while we’re generally unaware of our own eating sounds (although not always, and man does that kill my appetite really quickly), it’s impossible to ignore someone else’s, whether they’re a friend or some stranger sitting three tables away.

However, as I said, there’s nothing to be done about this, so I mostly just try to ignore it, for the sake of my sanity (hey, I never said all the things that pissed me off made sense). But then you get the people who are just over-the-top disgusting when they eat. One time, Significant Other and I were on the subway and a person sitting across from us was eating something gross (maybe fast food, I don’t remember) and belching loudly literally after every bite. AFTER EVERY FUCKING BITE. By the time we got to our stop I had lost my appetite for the rest of the night. It was one of the most disgusting public transportation encounters I’ve ever had (and I’ve been near people who don’t even try to cover their mouths when they sneeze. Hooray!). I understand some people have digestive issues, but I’ve never seen someone just blatantly disregard the people around them in order to wolf down a burger. If that were me, and that was an issue I had, you know I would fucking lock myself in my apartment before eating anything. But I understand not everyone feels such shame about these disgusting things (even though in this case the person definitely should have). And sometimes eating around other people, like at a restaurant, is unavoidable. BUT NOT ON THE SUBWAY. And these were not delicate, barely noticeable burps. They drowned out conversation and stank and UGH UGH UGH I think I’m having a terrible flashback, hold on.

…

Anyway, on top of the disgusting belching, this person also chewed with their mouth open. You could hear their lips smacking together and their teeth grinding and…okay, I have to stop now because it’s grossing me out just thinking about it again. My point is, if you HAVE to eat in public, maybe try not to be THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN, OKAY? Ugh. It’s fucking public space, not your dining room, so learn a little decorum.

The other thing that drives me crazy is people who wolf down their food like they haven’t had a meal in three weeks and may never have one again. I’m a fast eater myself, but I still manage to have conversations during a meal and take breaks and BREATHE BETWEEN BITES, for example. I’m talking about people who are so focused on the food that it might as well be the only thing that exists in the universe. While that would be nice, it’s NOT TRUE. And eating that fast only seems to exacerbate all the problems inherent in the process (the noises, the mess, etc.), so it is EVEN LESS ATTRACTIVE THAN NORMAL, which is saying a lot considering how unattractive I consider normal eating to be. Now, if that’s truly the first meal the person has had in weeks, I won’t begrudge them the desire to cram it into their mouth as quickly as possible. But the odds of that being true are low, although not nonexistent. And if it’s at a nice restaurant, the odds are even lower. JUST TAKE YOUR TIME. Unless there’s something I’m unaware of, NOBODY IS GOING TO TAKE YOUR PLATE AWAY FROM YOU.

Luckily for the human race as a whole, but unluckily for me, this peeve extends beyond people and into the rest of the animal kingdom as well. You may remember Glutton Cat from my last post, and how aptly he is named. Well, watching him eat is almost as bad as being in a restaurant full of belchers and fast eaters would be. He pretty much inhales his food in about 20 seconds, making a huge mess that I then have to clean up, and making this gross smacking noise the entire time, probably because he’s sucking the food down so quickly. In that time, he also manages to get his bowl completely clean. I mean, it looks like it just came out of the fucking dishwasher. You would think I starve this fucking cat. So, he’s basically the worst combination of fast eater and noisy eater, my two most hated types. And I have to sit in the kitchen EVERY DAY and listen to/watch him eat, to make sure he doesn’t inhale the other cats’ food and the plates and possibly the entire kitchen in his haste. THIS IS SOME KIND OF TERRIBLE TORTURE and also why I don’t believe in God, because even a vengeful God wouldn’t be spiteful enough to do this to me.

Look. I know this is one of my personal neuroses, but when you stop to think about it I don’t think ANYONE could tell me that eating isn’t gross. Food is (mostly) delicious and I endorse eating it and enjoying it, but maybe SOME OF US (I’m looking at you, subway belcher) should keep to themselves when they eat. Nobody wants to hear your nauseating soundtrack.