The Lion the Dolphin and the Mujaharoun

I've had a terrible Christmas. I traveled to Eilat in Israel to photograph the wedding of Sharon Tendler and Cindy, a 35-year-old dolphin. I've photographed many such weddings over the years and dolphins really are a joy to photograph. Terrible speeches though and the food was grim. I hate sushi. On the way back a previously unknown terrorist group, The Almighty Bricklayers of Mujaharoun, kidnapped me. They were lovely fellas and we got on like an oil fire. I was eventually released when we ran out of booze and I promised their leader I'd return and photograph his daughters wedding. He went for the MIstike™package.

As I celebrated my release on the flight to a well-deserved holiday, I was unceremoniously dumped on Porto Santo Island, somewhere off the coast of Africa. I was stuck here for 48hours while I waited for another flight that would take me out of this god-forsaken toilet. The bar was closed, so I decided to pay a visit to the Porto Santo multiplex. Muktar had said I might be able to get some ideas for my Mistike™ style from the new film Narnia, how wrong he was.

This really is a terrible film and I urge all right thinking Christians to boycott it and where possible burn down the cinema. It is so obviously a political allegory of the war in Iraq made by left wing Hollywood liberals. It made my blood boil. Our boys are over there giving up their lives for democracy and we get this piece of pro Jihad propaganda, thinly disguised as a Children's film.

Narnia is so obviously Iraq and is invaded by a crusader army, led by the evil Aslan. Aslan is a magical Lion and represents George Bush. A boy called Peter from Finchley, who is obviously meant to be our great Prime Minister Tony Blair, helps the crusaders. Peter is portrayed as an effete homosexual in the film, and as an incompetent and weak leader. The Iraqi people, on the other hand, are portrayed as magical creatures led by a witch who is dressed in white to symbolize that she's really a kind and benevolent figure. Narnia is a beautiful place covered in snow (oil), which disappears when the crusaders arrive turning Narnia into sludge. The only scene I enjoyed in the whole film was when Aslan got whacked. Disappointingly he's not really dead and comes back again. So does everyone else who dies. Pointless waste of special effects killing them in the first place if you ask me. Utter rubbish. Pye rating - 1 out of 10. Would have been 2 if Aslan had stayed dead.