AS YOU
READ THIS thousands of people are being abused
by someone who is supposed to love them. Are you one of
them? If you are, you need to take action today. Failure
to take immediate action can destroy your potential and
that of your children to live happy, productive lives. It
can even result in your death. Abuse is illegal, immoral,
and inhumane. Do you know when a bad relationship becomes
an abusive one? Do you know what abuse is?

Abuse is
any pattern of behavior by one partner in a relationship
which threatens the physical, mental, or emotional
well-being of the other partner. Physical abuse is the
easiest type to recognize and condemn, but its not
the only kind. Abuse can be physical, emotional, or both.
If its a physical attack on your body; thats
physical abuse. If its a verbal attack on you as a
person; thats emotional abuse. Its not as
easy to identify, but just as deadly. Physical abuse
harms the body. Emotional abuse harms self-esteem. Either
one can threaten your life.

Any person who
abuses someone he is supposed to love is sick. Any person
who derives pleasure from abusing others is sick. Any
person who deals with his tension symptoms by hurting
others is sick. You probably have little trouble
accepting these statements as fact, but you need to know
another fact. Any person who permits someone to abuse
them is sick!

If you saw a man
standing over a woman whipping her as she lies prostrate
on the floor, who would you think is wrong? The one doing
the whipping? Of course the man whipping the woman is
wrong, but what about the woman lying there accepting it.
If she doesnt leave at the first opportunity her
victimization is just as much her responsibility as the
abuser. The person who accepts the abusive behavior is as
responsible as the one doing the abusing.

The pattern of
abuse requires an abuser and a victim. To break the
pattern one of them has to change. You may not be able to
change the abuser, but you can quit being the victim. If
you seriously want to stop your relationship from being
abusive follow these twelve steps.

In discussing
the twelve steps for dealing with abuse I use a masculine
reference when referring to the abuser. I do it because
it avoids literary awkwardness and because the sad
reality is that while it is true that women abuse men,
most abusers are men.

THE TWELVE STEPS

1.
DONT ACCEPT ABUSE.

Dont tell
yourself when you have been abused, "Maybe he
wont do it again." Once is too much. The time
to begin corrective action for an abusive relationship is
the very first time abuse occurs. It must be stopped
then. The longer it continues the more established it
becomes as an accepted pattern of the relationship, and
the longer the pattern continues the harder it will be to
stop it.

When the abuser
abuses you he loses respect for you and that makes it
easier to abuse you again. You also lose respect for
yourself and that makes it easier for you to accept the
abuse again. It will just get worse. Stop it now.
Remember, accepting abuse is your vote to continue it.
Vote no.

2. TAKE ABUSE
SERIOUSLY

Aside from the
physical and emotional pain, abuse is life-threatening.
If you dont take abuse seriously, you must
seriously consider that the reason you accept abuse is
because you dont value your life. That means your
self-esteem is dangerously low. Dont comfort
yourself with the myth "he doesnt really
want to hurt me." Hundreds of women have been
killed by husbands who were then grief-stricken over what
they had done. His grief wont bring you back or
mend your broken body. In the heat of anger anything can
happen. He can hit you harder than he realizes. You can
trip trying to get away and hit your head on the corner
of a coffee table.

Whether he
intended to kill you or not --- youre just as dead.
Take abuse seriously. It is life-threatening.

3.
TAKE EMOTIONAL ABUSE JUST AS SERIOUSLY AS PHYSICAL ABUSE.

Physical abuse
can cause death at the hands of your abuser, emotional
abuse can result in death at your own hands. The reason
is this; emotional abuse destroys self-esteem resulting
in depression and can ultimately lead to thoughts of
suicide. Emotional abuse systematically erodes
self-esteem until you can no longer function effectively
and you die slowly as a person. Emotional abuse creates a
vicious cycle. Being abused makes you feel guilty,
fearful, and helpless. This further undermines
self-esteem. Lowered self-esteem permits more emotional
abuse - emotional abuse lowers self-esteem permitting
more abuse - and the cycle continues - downward. Both
physical and emotional abuse are life threatening. Both
must be taken seriously.

4. DONT BELIEVE
ITS YOUR FAULT.

No one deserves
to be abused. Abuse happens because of problems within
the abuser, not because the abuse is deserved. The abuser
lacks self-esteem, is easily threatened by real or
imagined slights, and lacks the ability to understand and
communicate his feelings. He has a pathological fear of
being found inadequate and is driven to destroy the
imagined threat to his adequacy. Abuse is a statement
about the abuser, not about the abused.

Also, dont
accept his irrational justification, "This will
teach you a lesson." He's not abusing you to
teach you a lesson. He's abusing you so he can regain
control and feel powerful. Besides, abuse doesnt
teach anything but fear and avoidance. It is not an
effective disciplinary method. Abuse doesnt make
people better, it makes both the abuser and the abused
worse. Get it out of your head that abuse can be
deserved. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED!

Can I make it
any clearer?

5. DONT ACCEPT
EXCUSES.

Drinking is not
an excuse, being uptight is not an excuse, having a bad
day is not an excuse, etc. etc. etc. If you accept
excuses you are giving permission to the abuser to abuse
you under those circumstances. If you accept abuse
because the abuser says Ive had a hard day, you are
saying it is all right to abuse you if hes had a
hard day. Its not all right! Abusing someone you
are supposed to love is a sickness that originates in the
abuser and the only solution is an internal change, not
an external change.

There are a million
reasons for abuse, but not a single excuse.

6. DONT CONFUSE LOVE
WITH ABUSE.

Dont think
if you try to stop the abuse you will lose the love of
the person abusing you. If you are loved you will not be
abused and if you are being abused you are not being
loved. An abusive person doesnt have the ability to
love maturely. In order to give healthy love the abuser
must be stopped from abusing. Stopping the abuse
wont stop the love. In fact, it may be the only way
the abuser will be motivated to get help and learn to
love healthily.

7. DONT DEAL WITH
CONFLICTS WHEN THEY ARE HOT.

Do not try to
resolve conflicts when emotions are sizzling. When one,
or both of you is emotionally inflamed judgment and
reason are impaired. That is no time to attempt to solve
problems. The task is to calm down. Continuing to throw
words at each other only escalates the anger. Take a
walk. Run around the block. Let some time pass. Cool off.
When both of you are calm then talk about issues and
share feelings. If it gets hot again, stop. If you
cant resolve issues when you are calm go see a
professional and get help together.

8. DONT USE ABUSE TO
STOP ABUSE.

Countering abuse
with abuse will guarantee a dysfunctional relationship.
It will mess up your life and the lives of your children.
Fighting back when someone is abusing you isnt a
solution. Its a recipe for tragedy. This
doesnt mean you shouldnt protect yourself,
you should. Protect yourself by getting out and getting
help. Only use force when absolutely necessary to stop an
immediate and inescapable threat. Then get more permanent
help.

One of
lifes ironies is the parent who tries to teach his
child to stop fighting other children by spanking the
child. That amounts to using physical assault to train
the child not to use physical assault. Illogical,
isnt it? What the child actually learns is to make
sure he has more power than the other person before
attacking them. In other words, it creates a bully. Don't
fight violence with more violence.

9. INSIST ON PROFESSIONAL
HELP.

The very first
time abuse occurs tell your partner in no uncertain
manner the abuse must stop or the relationship is over.
Talk out your problems, learn conflict resolution
techniques, get communication training. If you are unable
to help yourself go immediately to a professional for
help. Go together. If your partner does not agree that
his behavior is unacceptable, kick him out or get out
yourself. If the abuse results in physical or emotional
damage, get out now! Dont wait to see if it stops.
The very next time could be too late.

Ironically, the
best chance the relationship has for success is to
emphatically oppose abuse by severing the relationship.
If the partner has any regard for you he will work to get
you back. However, do not come back until the abuser has
sought professional help and the therapist recommends it.
If you are abused again, get out permanently.

10. CONSIDER THE DAMAGE TO
YOUR CHILDREN.

Many abused
women who will not take action to protect themselves will
at least take action to protect their children. If for
any reason you tolerate abuse to yourself then consider
the danger to your children. If your children are not
already being abused the odds are they soon will be. An
abuser invariably turns his abuse on his children. A
woman who is being abused has means to protect herself,
kids do not. Children are helpless victims who rely on
their parents to protect them. If you use the reason "I don't leave him
because I want the kids to have a father" consider this. Those kids are
also being damaged by the father.

The damage to a
child is psychological as well as physical. What do you
think it does to a child to both fear and love a parent?
What do you think it does to a child to see someone they
love being hurt, and feel helpless? What is the child
learning about marriage, about relationships, and about
role expectations? If you wont protect yourself, at
least protect your children. Surely you dont
believe they deserve abuse!

11. CONSIDER THE DAMAGE TO
THE ABUSER.

Not only does
abuse harm the one being abused, it harms the abuser. If
you insist on believing you deserve to be abused than
oppose abuse for the damage it does to the abuser. If you
feel you love the abuser, consider this. If you
dont stop the abuse he will never have a healthy
relationship, or know real love. He will never be close
to his children or grow to his full potential. Abuse
prevents healthy development in the abuser and encourages
an immature, violence-oriented approach to problems. It
doesnt help the person being abused and it
dehumanizes the one doing the abusing. Do you want that
for him?

12. BE PREPARED TO LEAVE.

You can never
live with someone else successfully until you can live
with yourself successfully. Since that is true, it is
always advisable to be able to move out at any time and
take care of yourself. If you are an emotional or
financial hostage you are vulnerable to continued abuse.
If you are systematically being abused physically or
emotionally, or both; you must pay any price to get out.
The temporary inconvenience will be offset by your
opportunity to take control of your life and make it
beautiful!