Pointless, explosive action. Occasional slo-mo violence. Flashy special effects. Even those long coats.

Kate Beckinsale wears one of those coats. She's Selene, a vampire warrior who is more likely to gun down an enemy than to use her fangs on him. As Underworld begins, Selene and her vampire buddies are caught up in a centuries-old war with the lycans. And in case you've misplaced your horror-flick lexicon, lycan is another word for werewolf.

Somewhere in there is a human doctor (Scott Speedman) whom the lycans want to kidnap. Selene tries to stop them.

There's your plot.

Director Len Wiseman gives Underworld a cold, cobalt look, which we probably have to call "stylish." At a length of two hours, it's also pretty monotonous.

DOWN-AND-OUT TRAMPY TAIL

** UPTOWN GIRLS (MGM; 100 minutes; rated PG-13 for sexual content and language; priced for rental, $26.95 for DVD): Uptown Girls is not an especially raucous comedy, but it is an unfunny, rhythmless one. Working from material credited to four writers, director Boaz Yakin spins a thin yarn of redemption that's meant to elicit sympathy as well as laughs.

Molly Gunn (Brittany Murphy) is a New York party girl who, it turns out, has known tragedy. Her parents, including her rock-legend father, perished in a plane crash.

Scratch the glitzy surface of Molly's free-spirited lifestyle and you'll find the broken heart of a sad little girl.

Money, however, has never been a problem for the immature orphan. But early in Uptown Girls, Molly discovers that her accountant has absconded with her generous inheritance. Forced to find work for the first time in her life, our hapless heroine becomes a nanny for Ray Schleine (Dakota Fanning), an insufferably precocious 8-year-old with a mania for self-control and an unhealthy obsession with germs.

As you may have guessed, Molly teaches Ray how to have fun while Ray shows Molly a thing or two about maturity.

Although the movie was marketed as a kid-friendly buddy picture, be advised that Murphy does let her character live up to the actress's trampy image. Despite the film's cartoonish elements, including a pet pig, the film seems in many ways intended for adults.

THE SHIELD: SEASON TWO (Twentieth Century Fox; on four discs; not rated; $59.98): It includes commentary by creator Shawn Ryan and Emmy-winning star Michael Chiklis -- with 38 deleted scenes and a season three teaser.

GOLDEN OLDIES (Warner; various running times; not rated; $19.95 apiece): Three titles are released on disc: Days of Wine and Roses (Jack Lemmon and Lee Remick, 1962); The Postman Always Rings Twice (John Garfield and Lana Turner, 1946); Where the Boys Are (Paula Prentiss and Dolores Hart, 1960).