Why The "Dark Knight Returns" Fight Is Bullshit

Who would win in a fight: Batman or Superman? You’ve heard that question a million times and different comic book story arcs, cartoons, and other adaptations ran through countless scenarios to get the answer. Superman is a god, Batman is a man, and the debate always seems to involve some sort of plot device that handicaps one of the combatants which allows them to triumph over the other one. I’m sure you’ve seen all the “Top Ten Fights” lists between them, so I’m not going to bore you with another one of those. I’m just going to dissect the one that people always seem to use as their foolproof argument as to how this fight would go down, as well as the one in which Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is loosely based on. Here’s why the Batman’s “victory” in “The Dark Knight Returns” was bullshit.

Right off the bat, I’m going to refrain myself from calling this a fight. “Fight” implies that both parties involved want to tear each other’s face off. In the context of this scene, the only one who really wants to “fight” is Batman. Superman’s attitude throughout the entire duration of this altercation was apathetic at best. He told Batman multiple times that he didn’t want to be there, he didn’t want to hurt him, and what Batman was trying to accomplish by risking his own health by fighting him was “idiotic.” To illustrate this point, it’s like challenging someone to a game of Street Fighter that clearly doesn’t want to play, but they do, and the person that was enthusiastic about the game ends up winning. On the surface, the one that issued the challenge beat his adversary. But is it really “winning” if the other party isn’t exploiting their full potential? Did Batman really “beat” this foe that clearly established that he did not want to trade blows? No. He challenged his friend to a game of Street FIghter, his friend didn’t feel like playing, thus he proceeded to mop the floor with him. It was a hollow “victory.”​Next, let’s discuss the handicaps that allowed Batman to punch Superman without shattering his hands. This was not a random encounter. Batman did not just waltz up to Superman and shoved him in the elementary school hallway. He had years of preparation and billions of dollars to spend. He straight up told Superman himself, “It wasn’t easy to make, Clark. It took years and cost a fortune. Luckily I had both.” This wasn’t an equal match. Batman received power-ups, and Superman had quite literally just gotten over being shot with a nuclear bomb. I’m also not even going to use the fact that he tossed the Batmobile like an empty tin can after Robin bombarded him with its (n̶o̶n̶ ̶l̶e̶t̶h̶a̶l̶) artillery. Despite all those power-ups, Superman still effortlessly got up, shook off electric blasts, powerful blows, and dirty tactics and sucker punches (i.e. sand in his eyes), and calmly told Batman that he broke three of his ribs with a single punch and, again, told him how stupid this scenario was.

Speaking of handicaps, let’s talk about the ultimate one that Batma-- no. Green Arrow used: Kryptonite. Contrary to popular belief, Superman isn’t flawless. He has three major vulnerabilities: red solar radiation, magic, and Kryptonite-- a heavily irradiated chunk of what used to be his birth planet. Naturally, the only way for billionaires to bring themselves to Superman’s godlike level is by flashing this little green rock at him (just ask Lex Luthor). After Batman sucker punches Superman by throwing sand in his eye, his friend Green Arrow came to his aid and shot him with a (n̶o̶n̶ ̶l̶e̶t̶h̶a̶l̶) Kryptonite trick arrow. Naturally, the Kryptonite did its thing, stunned Superman for a moment, and this allowed Batman to deliver his “victory” speech:

Except that wasn’t the case. If we’re going to be honest here, Superman was “beaten” by two people: the guy that paid for the handicaps, and his friend that crippled him with his infamous vulnerability. That enthusiastic friend who challenged his halfhearted friend to a game of Street Fighter from before? His little brother snuck up behind the uninterested opponent and boxed his ears, aiding in his brutal “defeat.” Furthermore, the fake heart attack that Bruce planned at the end of the scene allowed him to escape any and all repercussions of his actions that night. He took the coward’s way out.

If you’re #TeamBatman on this, you’re probably screaming “He’s not a coward! He stood up to Superman!” You’re right. He initiated the challenge in the first place. It just had to be on his terms, after years of preparation, all the money spent, a suit of seemingly unbreakable armor, dirty tactics, sucker punches, and a third party to cripple him with a bullet to the kneecap. I’m not denying that it was cool, badass, or awesome--it was. But it was bullshit.

​Has your entire belief system been shattered? Or have you always thought this fight was total bullshit? Let us know in the comments!