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Topic : Your Family Legacy

Number of Replies: 23

New Messages This Week: 0

Last Reply On:

Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:48:14 pm

Author : dataimport

Your parents have shaped who you are. The challenge is to identify what values, beliefs, characteristics, traits and behaviors have been passed on to you as a function of your experiences with your parents. What is your family legacy?

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My family legacy

I guess I'll be the first to post to this board. My kids are mostly grown, I have one left at home, preparing for college. I see them as my legacy, my greatest gift to the world. My oldest is my daughter from another mom who had the courage and love to give up custody of her to the ex, my husband, when she realized she couldn't care for her. This beautiful young women is currently raising her own children with wisdom and love. My second is my son by a previous marriage. I once felt rage that my ex could just turn his back on this wonderful child, but I've come to understand that it's a choice he made that haunts him, and will continue to do so for the rest of his life. My son is grown now, and a very creative and thoughtful individual. I now have pity for the ex, I'm not sure he's much more than an afterthought in the mind of his only child. My youngest is the child of my husband and myself, the glue that brought the other 2 together as true brother and sister. He is a unique individual that has the wisdom to learn from other's mistakes before committing his own, but also has the inner faith in himself to try new things. His friends and co-workers consistently turn to him for advice and solace. Each of my children gives me the honor of calling me "Mom", but I know that they will also honor me by thinking of new and better ways of raising their own children.

What my family has given me...

Interesting topic... My parents divorced when I was very young and my father was awarded custody of myself and my brother (not easy considering that I am a female and this was 1970!) I grew up in my grandparents' house in a small town in Michigan. My paternal grandparents had seven sons, all of whom lived no more than 20 minutes away from each other as adults. I have a total of 29 cousins on my Dad's side (not counting myself, of course) and we all grew up pretty much in each other's back pockets. &nbsp

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Our Gramma was and still is the HeadBossLady of the family. What Gramma sez goes! She raised her seven boys on a farm and ruled them with an iron fist. They all had chores to do before and after school, were expected to get good grades, had to learn to play a musical instrument, and take their turn being Altar Boy at Mass. She waited til her youngest was in school full-time then went back to school herself and became an RN. After the boys were grown and Grampa irritated her one too many times, she didn't fight or fuss, she just took her savings and went out and bought herself a house on the other side of town where she could have things the way she wanted! :) Funny thing is, that Grampa came over every day after work, ate supper there, and only left long after dark! Eventually, he stopped going back to the farm and pretty much moved in. They were "separated" for 18 months. &nbsp

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From Gramma I learned that women can and should be strong, independent and fearless. That it is perfectly acceptable to set standards and expect them to be met. I also learned that if you want something, you should go and get it for yourself and not expect others to do for you. She is 94 years old now and when she says "frog" Grampa and every one of her 7 boys, 30 grandchildren, and umpteen great-grandchildren start hopping! :) &nbsp

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I just re-read that bit about Gramma and realized that it doesn't even begin to truly describe her. Besides working all day at the local hospital, she was helping to raise two of her grandchildren (me and my brother.) She made a place in her home for her handicapped younger brother, John. If you caught her sitting down I guarantee that she was working on knitting, crocheting, quilting or sewing something for someone. (She always had a project in her hands while watching TV.) Probably 85% of all our Priest's Vestments were made by my Grandmother! Not to mention the Altar cloths and such. She had a hot meal ready for us every night at 6 pm and 3 hots on Saturdays and Sunday. Thanksgiving and Christmas were HUGE! Everyone came to Gramma's house and squeezed together at three long tables set up in the expanded diningroom (Gramma had a wall removed so that the old livingroom became part of the diningroom.) Gramma gave love to us all. She still does. &nbsp

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From my Dad I learned not to give up. Not to give in. After he was awarded custody my mother snatched us kids and ran. For two years we were separated from our family. When my Dad finally found us, we were in separate foster homes in California and were on the "available for adoption" lists. My Dad had sold everything he owned and gone into debt hiring private investigators to look for us. The fact that he found us was sheer luck. He had sent copies of our photos to every social service agency in the country! By happenstance, our foster case-worker recognized those old photos of us as being her clients. She contacted my Dad and soon we were back home in Michigan living in Gramma's house because Dad had sold his land and home trying to find us. &nbsp

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Dad is a reticent man and has never been one to say "I love you." He isn't a "huggie" kind of man, but I never once doubted his love for me growing up. He worked midnights and slept while I was in school. When he got home, he spent time with us; wrestling, tickling, laughing, or just sitting side-by-side watching Bugs Bunny or old Godzilla movies. He gave up everything he had to find us.... our mom had dumped us on a doorstep on the other side of the country within days of stealing us from him. Even at 8 years old I recognized his love for me.... it was not a "huggie" love, but it was the real deal. But I missed hugs. So, one of the things I take from my Dad is a "what not to do." :) I hug my kids every chance I get and tell them at LEAST once a day how much I love them, how proud I am to be their mother, how blessed I am that they are in my life. &nbsp

&nbsp

Everything good I learned about family I learned from my Dad and my Dad's side of the family. &nbsp

&nbsp

From my mother I learned suspicion, self-doubt, self-loathing, distrustfulness... Thanks to my Family's love and some REALLY good therapists I have managed to get past that... (although, if I am to be honest with myself and you, I still have trust issues when I meet new women... making girl-friends has always been difficult for me... I have always chosen guys as pals. In the last two years I have conciously cultivated friendships with women and I have three girl-friends now though they are not as close to me as my male friends have been in the past... Hey, I'm a work in progress! *grin*)&nbsp

bringing up daughters

I have four beautiful daughters and I am looking forward to creating a great legacy with them. My eldest turns 13 next month so every thing is changing at our house! She loves to discuss everything ( I think!?!) with me, so I cherish those moments because I don't know how long it will last. We are very busy at the moment as I am recently seperated and I want to be able to show the girls that we can be a happy and successful family even if dad does not live with us anymore. We are strong together and we laugh a lot. &nbsp

A legacy of The struggling black woman

I was given at birth to a women who suffered alot of emotional problems and was to say the least not maternal. All her friends seemed to be devorced black women like herself. There were no male role models for me until later in life. All of them had children and were just struggling to make it. I feel that I have inherited this struggle and have no idea how to suceed. And would not know how to deal if I did. I am currently the mother of two daughters and would hate to pass this on to them. Mind you I'm bipolar.

Your Family Legacy

I was given at birth to a women who suffered alot of emotional problems and was to say the least not maternal. All her friends seemed to be devorced black women like herself. There were no male role models for me until later in life. All of them had children and were just struggling to make it. I feel that I have inherited this struggle and have no idea how to suceed. And would not know how to deal if I did. I am currently the mother of two daughters and would hate to pass this on to them. Mind you I'm bipolar.

First of all, I doubt you have a genuine bipolar disorder, it's probably the circumstances of your life that are creating bipolar behaviour, there's a big difference between bipolar behaviour and bipolar disorder. Bad things and good things happen in your life and it all depends on which one your focusing on at a particular time. Even IF you do have bipolar disorder, don't use it as an excuse to bail out of certain responsibilities.

You, on your own, can't substitute the male role model your kids need. It's a very tough situation your in, very tough, but for the sake of your kids you need to do everything you possibly can to find a positive male role model in their life, if you don't find one tomorrow, keep looking, if you don't find one this year, keep looking, don't give up. There ARE some good men out there, I know they're tough to find but they are out there. You must do everything in your power to find one and don't give up no matter what happens. I know you know all this, I'm just trying to tell you to keep working on it and don't give up, he's not going to fall threw the ceiling and onto your couch. Don't pick a man for you, pick the man for your kids (even if he's 800lbs with a bad comb-over and no job). You can't afford to be picky.

In the meantime, the kids need to have a happy and confident mom. Don't let your emotions from previous experiences run the show (thankfully you already know that, but keep reminding yourself). If your up and down and all over the place the kids will pick up on this and mimic you as that's all they know. Hold your head up high and the kids will thrive from your confidence (even if you have to fake it).

Family Legacy smegacy I don't know

Hello all, I just thought this was quite the place to start writing. Why? I guess it really hit home with me and made me realize my own legacy. I grew up in a large family of 5 brothers and 4 sisters. My legacy of course begins with my mother who was raised by her grandmother. She is very caring but doesn't always show it. My mother was and still is a determined, strong woman. She always provided for her family. She worked as long as I can remember. She was determined to get her driver's license in her early forties and got it. She worked as a Community Health Representative for over 30 years and spent a great deal of her time away at workshops. Believe me she has been a great role model in regards to determination, strength and independance. All my sisters are the same and so can you imagine? So am I. I have two daughters of my own, and one step daughter.&nbsp

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I think what I am worried about is all that was provided for me, I am providing the same for my children. &nbsp

I have either worked or attended school and finally achieved a Bachelor of Education, and this has been since my children were in pre-school. This is my first year to stay at home to be a mom and wife. My daughters are now 18 and 16 and I see the results of the legacy. Ouch, my daughter whom is 16 is a reflection I see of me when I was her age. She is struggling big time finding her place. I can remember doing that. I never had a relationship with my mom until about 8 years ago. I vowed that it would not be the same with my own daughters, however, what I learned from my mom even though I never knew I was learning these things from her, I am doing the same things to my own daughters. I want to keep the determination, strength, and independance, but I want to give my daughters more. I am working on communicating with them but find it difficult to deal with confrontations, and end up making like nothing happened and sweep it under the carpet; Now my youngest daughter does the same and we don't know what we can do to make changes to it. Can you give me some adivice? What is the next step? We acknowledged it but now how do we make the changes? HELP!&nbsp

with you on that

Interesting topic... My parents divorced when I was very young and my father was awarded custody of myself and my brother (not easy considering that I am a female and this was 1970!) I grew up in my grandparents' house in a small town in Michigan. My paternal grandparents had seven sons, all of whom lived no more than 20 minutes away from each other as adults. I have a total of 29 cousins on my Dad's side (not counting myself, of course) and we all grew up pretty much in each other's back pockets. &nbsp

&nbsp

Our Gramma was and still is the HeadBossLady of the family. What Gramma sez goes! She raised her seven boys on a farm and ruled them with an iron fist. They all had chores to do before and after school, were expected to get good grades, had to learn to play a musical instrument, and take their turn being Altar Boy at Mass. She waited til her youngest was in school full-time then went back to school herself and became an RN. After the boys were grown and Grampa irritated her one too many times, she didn't fight or fuss, she just took her savings and went out and bought herself a house on the other side of town where she could have things the way she wanted! :) Funny thing is, that Grampa came over every day after work, ate supper there, and only left long after dark! Eventually, he stopped going back to the farm and pretty much moved in. They were "separated" for 18 months. &nbsp

&nbsp

From Gramma I learned that women can and should be strong, independent and fearless. That it is perfectly acceptable to set standards and expect them to be met. I also learned that if you want something, you should go and get it for yourself and not expect others to do for you. She is 94 years old now and when she says "frog" Grampa and every one of her 7 boys, 30 grandchildren, and umpteen great-grandchildren start hopping! :) &nbsp

&nbsp

I just re-read that bit about Gramma and realized that it doesn't even begin to truly describe her. Besides working all day at the local hospital, she was helping to raise two of her grandchildren (me and my brother.) She made a place in her home for her handicapped younger brother, John. If you caught her sitting down I guarantee that she was working on knitting, crocheting, quilting or sewing something for someone. (She always had a project in her hands while watching TV.) Probably 85% of all our Priest's Vestments were made by my Grandmother! Not to mention the Altar cloths and such. She had a hot meal ready for us every night at 6 pm and 3 hots on Saturdays and Sunday. Thanksgiving and Christmas were HUGE! Everyone came to Gramma's house and squeezed together at three long tables set up in the expanded diningroom (Gramma had a wall removed so that the old livingroom became part of the diningroom.) Gramma gave love to us all. She still does. &nbsp

&nbsp

From my Dad I learned not to give up. Not to give in. After he was awarded custody my mother snatched us kids and ran. For two years we were separated from our family. When my Dad finally found us, we were in separate foster homes in California and were on the "available for adoption" lists. My Dad had sold everything he owned and gone into debt hiring private investigators to look for us. The fact that he found us was sheer luck. He had sent copies of our photos to every social service agency in the country! By happenstance, our foster case-worker recognized those old photos of us as being her clients. She contacted my Dad and soon we were back home in Michigan living in Gramma's house because Dad had sold his land and home trying to find us. &nbsp

&nbsp

Dad is a reticent man and has never been one to say "I love you." He isn't a "huggie" kind of man, but I never once doubted his love for me growing up. He worked midnights and slept while I was in school. When he got home, he spent time with us; wrestling, tickling, laughing, or just sitting side-by-side watching Bugs Bunny or old Godzilla movies. He gave up everything he had to find us.... our mom had dumped us on a doorstep on the other side of the country within days of stealing us from him. Even at 8 years old I recognized his love for me.... it was not a "huggie" love, but it was the real deal. But I missed hugs. So, one of the things I take from my Dad is a "what not to do." :) I hug my kids every chance I get and tell them at LEAST once a day how much I love them, how proud I am to be their mother, how blessed I am that they are in my life. &nbsp

&nbsp

Everything good I learned about family I learned from my Dad and my Dad's side of the family. &nbsp

&nbsp

From my mother I learned suspicion, self-doubt, self-loathing, distrustfulness... Thanks to my Family's love and some REALLY good therapists I have managed to get past that... (although, if I am to be honest with myself and you, I still have trust issues when I meet new women... making girl-friends has always been difficult for me... I have always chosen guys as pals. In the last two years I have conciously cultivated friendships with women and I have three girl-friends now though they are not as close to me as my male friends have been in the past... Hey, I'm a work in progress! *grin*)&nbsp

My husband says that everything good he is learning he is learning from his dads side of the family and he is continuing to learn also.. We have got to spend alot of time with his family and the childen sure do enjoy it.

please help im loosing my family

hello i am desperately seeking advice. I am the oldest male of two children - my sister and i have always been at odds and she has dictated the direction of my family ever since she got pregnant in high school.She has always been a screamer and bi-polar - she has carried that thru 3 fatherless children (intentionally and selfishly) for the last 20 years - putting 99.9 percent of the responsibility and duty onto the shoulders of my very giving and tired parents. Her first two boys dont know their fathers and have taken on her angry manic ways in dealing with my parents and any family authority. I have always been the fun loving "uncle" video game buddy visiting from college and out of state up until the last few years. Already surviving the first teenage boy rebelling against me as the only male authority and man he could shout"YOUR NOT MY FATHER I DONT HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU" to with angst and resentment when reminded of a wrong doing or rude behavior....there is now the 14 year old who has so much anger and withdrawn behavior to the entire family. Resentful and combative. Especially to his always giving grandparents. I try to stay out of it but my sister uses this family and my aging parents to the point of exhaustion. She is bi polar and allows the boys to run wild - most of the time passing the teenagers off on any school friends parents that will take them (weeks at a time sleepovers) as she primps and spoils her latest fatherless baby girl. This boy has changed more than just puberty. his anger and withdrawal from the family (enabled by his selfish mother) has turned him into a loveless and hollow shell of a great little boy i just recently knew. He is out all nite even on school nites and lives in the biggest trash bin of a garbage filled to the ceiling condo when he is home. The toll it is taking on this family is devastating and to make it worse - my sister fights all attempts to try and bring about positive change. I assume out of the estrangement of her own illness. I am asking??? How do i deal with this little monster of a teenage boy who actually has his very unstable mother siding with him and openly fighting against any disciplinary correction while in our home. It wouldnt be so bad if she didnt dump it all in our laps. Its double jeopardy because she sticks the family with her kids yet does not support the authority that we should have. I have been staying with my family since i returned home both to save money and help out- full knowing the situation. I am pretty much the head of the household
as my father is ill and my mother is simply under thumb. My manic sister and her angry family show up nearly every nite torturing this family and setting this home on its side. My father allows it and tolerates it as he has always enabled her wicked ways yet it is taking its toll...they have changed this entire family into nothing but a painful existence. How does an uncle put in the awkward place of trying to maintain discipline in a family where it is usurped by a woman and her wild children that have no love or respect for the only people in their lives that love them enough to care? They are all destroying this family and the boys are getting worse every day...no respect for themselves or others...no love and no desire for the nurturing my parents willingly offer -every time i try to bring about a little peace or at least rational debate it gets so ugly and stressful on all. They know they have the upper hand as their mother has showed them the way to achieve anything thru screaming and thoughtless behavior. Help i have no experience and i am loosing my family.

Telling your child a secret

Hi there

About eight years ago I met a man and had a brief affair with him - I was married to my ex husband at the time (something I'm not proud of) but the marraige was over anyway. I became pregnant by the man I had an affair with and had my son. I told my ex husband when my son was 2 that he was not his father - he accepted it and considers my son his own son. I am in a terrible dilemma as I do not know whether to tell my son about his biological parentage and it has caused me to put up barriers between myself and him. I love him so much and could not bear to hurt him but at the same time I feel tremendous pressure in holding the lie. Can somebody please throw some light on this and advise me what to do....