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Topic: Not a "real" family member?!!? (Read 17535 times)

That's awful. But.. history is important, I think, and the actual comments they are making. Do you/your mom have a good relationship with them otherwise? Did they treat your mom and her siblings differently or with contempt growing up? If so then yes, they're nasty and would be getting a complete cut from my life.

I guess I can't think off the top of my head of a comment in this situation using "real children/grandchildren" that would have good intentions, but there could be some. I've had several people that I know love us and our boys, and support our adoption 150%.. ask things about the boys' "real parents". To a lot of people, biological = real. Not more important or loved or permanent or whatever than the adoptive relatives, they just don't know any other way to term it.

The main thing that you need to remember is that your grandparents ARE your grandparents, and they loved your mother and you as their child/grandchild, no matter what anyone in the world says.

This is such a dreadful thing to say that it goes beyond the funeral. If this is actually your mom's family saying this, I'm not sure what to say as it seems symptomatic of deep problems (as opposed to a random, silly stranger).

I would ignore the statement, ignore the speaker and reach out to the rest of the family.

There are some people who feel that way. As an example, when my dh and I were looking into adopting, his parents were quite vociferous that any adopted children would not be their "real" grandchildren. Knowing my ILs as I do, my advice to you when someone makes a comment like that is to "consider the source". Meaning, that the kind of people who say that are not lovely, loving, gracious and warm people in general. So cutting them out of one's life is no loss.

As an adopted child this cuts close for me. My first reaction is that someone is starting to make noises over what is going to be a financial scramble over the estate, hence the division of "real" VS 'Not real".

I would really squeeze their shoes over this, "Why would you say something so hurtful"? "No really, walk me through because I don't understand your thinking." "Can you explain this to my spouse so they can understand your thinking on the subject". I would put them on the spot and make them squirm with discomfort, after all they are the ones who brought the subject up I would only continue the discussion.

Then I would cut them from my life like a surgeon cuts away cancer, their true feelings have been revealed to you, so take careful note.

Logged

Always be polite, even to nasty people. Not because they are nice, but because you are.

I doubt there's going to be much squabbling over the estate, simply because there's nothing to squabble over. I suspect it's just family idiocy, especially since my mother and her bio brothers were older adoptions.

I doubt there's going to be much squabbling over the estate, simply because there's nothing to squabble over. I suspect it's just family idiocy, especially since my mother and her bio brothers were older adoptions.

What was said actually and in what context? Was it said to your mother or to you?

I'm very sorry. That was an awful, hateful thing for that person to say.

As someone who has adopted family members, I will say that the first person who implied that those family members are anything less than cherished, beloved full-fledged members of our family would be "enlightened" and then cut off.

I agree with the others. It is an awful and hurtful thing to say. You could always respond by saying how hurtful it is and following with how much you loved your grandparents and that family is more than blood. As for your Mum, I hope that she takes comfort in the fact that her parents choose to adopt her and that they must have loved her very much to do this.

JeseC, I agree that that was a terrible thing to have even thought - let alone to have actually said aloud.

My only experience is with one of my favorite cousins who adopted a baby boy, "Adam," about 30 years ago. I've known Adam since he was an infant, and I've always thought of him as a cousin exactly like my other cousins. I cannot even imagine thinking of him as not part of our extended family.

How awful of them. I suspect that like some Previous posters have suggested this might be about having to "Share" the estate. Which is of course silly on their part. Of course they were your grandparents.

How awful of them. I suspect that like some Previous posters have suggested this might be about having to "Share" the estate. Which is of course silly on their part. Of course they were your grandparents.