President to move Christmas to 1/8/10- cites decline in consumer spending

Obama speaking to members of the Change Christmas Coalition (CCC) earlier this morning.

Washington D.C. – President Obama met with members of the National Holiday Committee earlier today to allegedly discuss the official postponing of Christmas this year until January 8, 2010. The President, and many of his chief financial advisors, feel that the two week delay should provide the economy with a much needed jolt heading into the new year. The theory is that by allowing those Americans who are still employed to collect another paycheck, they would spend more on gifts for the holidays. This would in effect, extend the holiday shopping season well into next month.

Given the controversial nature of such a decision its understandable why the President had been trying to keep the plans a secret. Especially, when you consider that Obama would be the first President to ever request a delay of a national Holiday. The President has reportedly made it clear that all he wants to do is delay the gift-exchange portion of the holiday, and not Jesus Christ’s birthday. However, news of the possible Christmas move is already rubbing some Americans the wrong way.

As expected, FoxNews has devoted a lot of coverage to Obama's plans to change Christmas.

Most of the President’s opposition is bound by the common idea of not wanting government to intervene into their religious and festival affairs, especially on the day of their savior’s birth. “This is unconstitutional and down right offensive, the government has no power to reschedule Jesus’ birthday like that,” said James Tooker, a concerned citizen at an Pro-Xmas rally. He later added, “I mean, if Jesus and his buddies needed a couple extra bucks, you know… I don’t think he’d ask Obama to move his birthday two weeks.” Another pro-Xmas supporter present at the rally was Gail Stevens, who was holding up a sign that read- MOVIN’ X-MAS IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL. When she was asked to point to the exact clause in the Constitution where it is stated that Obama cannot move Christmas, the woman declared, “you want a specific clause huh?… how ’bout Santa Clause — I don’t think his name having the word clause in it is any coincidence.” The movement to keep Christmas unchanged seems to be gaining momentum as FoxNews announced today that it will be organizing numerous “grassroots” pro-Xmas protesting events in the upcoming weeks. Read more of this post

Obama: VP’s accidents have saved or created 29 jobs in the medical and auto-body repair industry

Why does Biden's motorcade have a deep seated hatred of pedestrians?

Biden's motorcade en-route to a fund raiser in Albuquerque.

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Earlier today, President Obama finally responded to the public outcry of concerned citizens everywhere by officially declaring that VP Biden’s motorcade poses a threat to national security. So does any other vehicle, motorcycle, or Rascal Scooter even remotely associated with Biden. President Obama stated that all of Biden’s upcoming engagements for the next eight days have been canceled or rescheduled, and that the VP will be prohibited from using any official motorcades until further notice.

The media was expecting an official statement from Biden himself on the rumors, but he was noticeably absent from the impromptu press conference. But, Obama reassured Americans that, “the carnage Biden’s motorcade has left in its wake is very unfortunate. And I want to take this opportunity to make it very clear that the United States government is not in the business of injuring or killing its citizens by having Biden’s motorcade crash into them and their cars.” The President then added, “I always try to look at the brighter side of things, and according to initial figures, it looks like 29 jobs were saved or created because of Biden’s accidents. We are projecting that when its all said and done with, Biden’s accidents will have saved or created a total of 104 jobs. Granted, most of those jobs will be in the medical and auto-body repair industries, but they are jobs nonetheless.”

Biden's chauffeur doesn't believe in stopping for pedestrians.

The President’s declaration follows news that for the fourth time in eight days, vehicles associated with Biden have been involved in an injury-causing accident. One of the more publicized of Biden’s crashes occured on Tuesday evening. when an unmarked police car helping to escort the VP to a taping of The Daily Show in Manhattan, collided with a delivery cab.

Oprah: “Palin left me with no hope for humanity.”

A frustrated Oprah seen here after wrapping her interview with Palin.

CHICAGO IL. — Oprah Winfrey’s legendary television talk show run will be coming to an end after 25 seasons on the air, her production company reported today. According to the Chicago-based Harpo Productions Inc., Winfrey is planning to announce the final date for The Oprah Winfrey Show on a live broadcast on Friday. The reason for her abrupt announcement – Sarah Palin.

It has been rumored that Winfrey has long thought Palin’s popularity was unwarranted because of the former governor’s questionable career decisions and insatiable thirst for the limelight. These feelings were evident to anyone who watched her recent interview of Palin. Those close to Oprah said she was visibly distraught after the interview and was overheard saying that America’s blind adoration with Palin made her believe she failed at her life’s work of empowering and educating women.

Winfrey has not tried to hide her political beliefs as she openly campaigned for President Obama during last year’s election and was even seen weeping on election night during his victory speech in Chicago’s Grant Park. However, many say her feelings on Palin go way beyond party politics, as one of the show’s producer’s claims that she believes Palin’s success is a clear indication that America is doomed and is too forgone to help. The anonymous producer said the Palin interview just proved to Winfrey that while she may have succeeded in raising the self-esteem of women everywhere, she clearly failed in “empowering women to get educated enough not to fall for the smoke and mirrors of a two-bit, propaganda spewing demagogue like Palin.”

Oprah is reportedly going to seeking counseling from Dr. Phill in the very near future.

FoxNews claiming Obama’s newly planted tree will lead to communism

Headline on FoxNews.com yesterday: "Timebomb Tree"

WASHINGTON D.C. – Last week President Obama planted a tree in the White House North Lawn. The tree planting ceremony lasted all of five minutes and was sparsely covered, if at all, by the mainstream media. In fact, there was no more than ten reporters in attendance.

Yet the same ceremony that barely registered not even so much as a blip on other news casts, has been exhaustively covered for five consecutive days by the only network brave and honest enough to report the truth- FoxNews. Much of FoxNews’ coverage has focused on claims that the tree would lead to the spread of communism, and on questions surrounding Obama’s choice of wardrobe and gardening tools.

T.R.E.E. = The Reality is Everything Ending

Last Thursday FoxNews’ Glenn Beck devoted his entire program to showing viewers just how the tree would lead to communism. Beck warned- “America, you need to wake up and realize whats going on here, its no coincidence the type of tree Obama planted is the same as the one Stalin planted during his first year as leader of the Soviet Union.” Beck added, “it really began to come together for me when I noticed the President was really concerned with how evenly the soil was distributed. Its like I’ve been telling you all along- you have to read between the lines!”

FoxNews claims Obama's shovels refused to grant them an interview.

Beck later went on to draw the tree on his famous chalkboard and labeled each of the tree’s roots as socialism, government intervention, acorn producing, and big spending bills. He scribbled Obama’s name on the trunk of the tree and claimed the planting of the tree signaled the “end of democracy as we know it. Democracy in this country has come full circle, it started with a President who chopped down a tree – and ends with one who planted a tree.” Beck even brought out his signature red phone and said, “notice how Anita Dunn and the rest of them over at the White House haven’t called me yet.” An emotional Beck closed out the show by noting, “Obama isn’t like you and me, just look at him… maybe I’m the crazy one, but do you know anyone who uses a gold plated shovel or wears a suit to plant a tree?” Read more of this post

WASHINGTON D.C. – If the fun-loving bunch of politicians and pundits were looking for a break from a tense political season, then the Howl-oween Bash held this past Saturday evening was the place to be. Check out some of this year’s best & worst costumes:

Obama has been on winning streak since being awarded Nobel Peace Prize

Opponents say one of the knocks on Obama's game is that he drives to his right too much.

WASHINGTON D.C. – President Obama said yesterday that he was “somewhat surprised and deeply humbled” by the decision of the National Basketball Association to name him recipient of the Eddie Gottlieb Trophy as the 2009-10 T-Mobile NBA Rookie of the Year. This is the fifty second time the President has been awarded or honored in the past five days.

A panel of 120 sportswriters and broadcasters throughout the United States and Canada unanimously decided Obama should receive the award. Sources close to the panel say the foresight displayed by the Nobel Peace Prize Committee inspired them to preemptively give Obama the award before the 09-10 season started.

At last night’s impromptu ceremony NBA Commissioner David Stern said, “Obama will make a fine Rookie of the Year, and the fact he has never played in the NBA should only serve as an inspirational example of just how far hoping for change can carry someone.”

2K 10 will feature all 30 NBA team, plus one additional team consisting of only Obamas.

Before the ink could dry on the headlines of Obama’s Rookie of the Year award, there was word that the President had received yet another honor. This time he was chosen to grace the cover of the popular video game NBA 2K10. According to a press release issued by 2K Sports, the company felt potential customers would be drawn in by Obama’s message. Meaning they hope his presence on the cover would persuade gamers to change their preference for the rival basketball game, EA’s NBA Live.

While the thought of being so highly regarded and adored by the world over might seem appealing, it does not come without a price. As a practical matter Obama’s mantle is rumored to be on the verge of collapse under the weight of the countless trophies, medals, and awards etc. he has received over the past couple of days. While the mantle space shortage at the White House is troublesome, it pales in comparison to the shortage of time on Obama’s calender for all of the award shows and photo shoots. Since last Friday alone, the President has attended thirty eight awards ceremonies in his honor all over the world.

The President’s absence has led White House staffers to jokingly refer to Air Force 1 as the “White House in the sky,” and its pilot, Frank Norris, has been renamed “Trophy Czar.” One person at the White House is not laughing though, as Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel has been skeptical of most of the President’s awards. He has wondered aloud if all of the President’s unjustifiable recognition is really part of a clever right wing ploy to devalue the Nobel Peace Prize, or are all these no-name award committees and organizations just trying to ride on the Peace Prize’s coat tails. Others have said the Obama trophy-train is too hot right now not to give him any and every conceivable award. While the real reason behind all of Obama’s recent accolades is up for debate, few will disagree on the illegitimacy of most of the following awards:

Obama was shocked to learn that one of Micheal Jackson's last wishes was to have his face replaced by the President's on every new copy of his breakout album 'Off the Wall.'

However, Obama still has room for improvement, says Biden- especially with his uppercase “W” and his lowercase “t” and “f”

(THE ROUGH BEGINNINGS) Jan.21- A disgusted Biden looks on as Obama writes his "chicken scratch."

WASHINGTON, D.C. – When it comes to the topic of handwriting, Joe Biden calls himself “old-school” for believing good penmanship is the mark of a courteous writer who truly values his readers. Biden first took notice of Obama’s sloppy writing a few years ago while the two were still U.S. Senators. Yet, it wasn’t until late 2008, when Biden read an illegible hand-written memo from Obama that left the VP dumbfounded as to what was written, that he decided to take action.

In an effort to keep the matter internal, Biden approached Obama in private and offered to give him secret handwriting lessons. Much to Biden’s surprise, the President enthusiastically accepted Biden’s offer and the two met on a bi-weekly basis for secret handwriting lessons in the Oval Office until mid-September.

Sources close to the VP say the process of transforming the President’s writing has been a monumental undertaking for Biden. The VP’s friends in the handwriting community actually tried to dissuade the VP from taking Obama on as a student, saying “coaching someone as old as Obama is impossible, he’s too foregone and entrenched in his writing style already.” Biden began to wonder if his friends were right after the initial lessons with Obama ended disastrously.

The VP started to question whether both, he and the President, were too old and if maybe they had bitten off more than they could chew in trying to change Obama’s handwriting. Despite Biden’s extensive handwriting coach experience, he had never taught a student over the age of fourteen, and more than twenty years had passed since he last gave anyone a lesson. Read more of this post

WASHINGTON D.C., – During President Obama’s moving speech on health care Wednesday evening, South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson (R) yelled out “You lie!” when the President stated his plan would not provide coverage for illegal immigrants. Many who heard his comment instantly began speculating that such an outburst could only come from someone with touretts syndrome. Although the jury is still out -Wilson denied he has or has ever suffered from touretts syndrome- but did not provide any suporting evidence to justify his denials. Wilson released this formal apology immediately following the conclusion of the President’s speech:

This evening it looks as if I let my emotions get the best of me when listening to the President’s remarks regarding the whole health care thing. But there is more than meets the eye here. To be honest with y’all, I frankly don’t know enough about all this health insurance mess to agree or disagree with the President’s statements about them Mexicans getting their hands on my health care. Rather, my comments were a direct result of Senator Grassley challenging me by saying: ‘I didn’t have the balls to pull a Glenn Beck and scream out something illogical and crazy during the speech.’ He even claimed ‘Pelosi has got bigger balls than you.’ He also said he was ‘so sure I’d chicken out that he’d be willing to bet his own membership in the Gang of Six that I wouldn’t do it.’

Now, I wasn’t going to let ole’ Chucky get one on me, plus the Gang of Six are so awesome, everyone knows they throw the biggest keggers in D.C. Plus, I really wanted one of them leather jackets they wear with the cool number 6 on the back of it- I’d be like the Fonz of the House man. So, I yelled it loud as hell, unfortunately I didn’t time it right cause- at the very moment I started screaming everyone decided to get quiet. So all you heard was me screaming ‘You lie!’ I know how all this must look, but trust me we pull much crazier crap than that all the time over at the C-street house. Anyways, I also know without all this context- my comments might have seemed inappropriate to the viewers at home and the President. Hopefully, y’all can understand where I was coming from given the circumstances. I would like to extend my sincere apologies to the President for my outburst, and he also deserves an apology from Senator Grassley who started it all. Hopefully, I don’t think they’ll be any hard feelings, because he knows that I don’t know enough about health care enough to have just blurted something out without being provoked.

Senator Grassley could not be reached for comment and is expected to address Wilson’s allegations in the forthcoming days. Read more of this post

Right wing’s irrational fears of Obama turning their kids into socialists realized

Professor Obama at work teaching his class the fundamentals.

WASHINGTON D.C., – President Obama planned on giving the nation’s students a little pep talk on their first day of school today. However, news of the speech riled the feathers of many right wing pundits who viewed the speech as an effort by the President to indoctrinate the nation’s students into socialism. Some parents saw Obama’s speech as such a threat that they kept their children home today, and others requested their children be excluded from viewing the President’s speech. The outrage and protest amongst these parents was not enough to derail the speech, which went off without a hitch as the majority of the nation’s students viewed the President’s address.

Evidence of the speech's impact could be found in this fourth grade class picture, which clearly shows the students have embraced communism.

The President’s speech focused on creating a responsibility amongst students for their own education, and did not contain anything in the way of proclaiming socialist or communist ideals. Despite the speech’s complete lack of political agenda, the immediate impact of the speech was nothing short of shocking, as now an overwhelming number of the nation’s students are self-proclaimed communists.

The results of the speech could be found in speaking with area school children immediately after the airing of the President’s speech. One area second grader, Timmy Goldstein exalted, “from each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needs.” Another area first grader Stacy Davidson stated, ” we the proletariat, will be victorious in overthrowing the bourgeoisie.” Comments like these have become commonplace in schools throughout the nation. One area school even reported that a kindergarten class turned to violent protest over their right to use only red colored crayons for a coloring assignment in which they were asked to color an ocean scene. Read more of this post

This is just a little taste of the awesomeness that’s inside…. The painting below might be an indication that Obama wasn’t born in the US – he was born in dreamland. Bob Ross would be jealous! Click read more to see the rest…

After weeks of silence, Rush Limbaugh finally responded to rapper Jay-Z’s demands that he “get off my balls.” Despite the clamoring of his loyal fans for a response,Rush chose not to act hastily and prematurely deny the Jigga-man’s allegations. Instead, the conservative-dick turned dick-conservationist had three of his interns circumnavigate his entire body over the course of ten days just to make sure that none of his abundant body fat was actually resting on Jay-Z’s testicles somewhere. All of the interns confirmed that none of Rush was on Jay-Z’s balls, however when Rush did respond, he didn’t fire back like most thought he would. Instead, Limbaugh had this to say:

After much investigation, I can assure all of you that I was not on anyone’s balls, but if I am somehow mistaken… I did not know I was on anybody’s balls. I’m happy to know that they think I am though. But I didn’t – I didn’t actually know that I was.

It wasn’t enough to thoroughly address the rapper’s balls, he wanted more… Rush felt compelled to pay some lip service to Jay-Z’s penis:

I would remind the rapper Jay-Z, Mr. Z, and all Americans with penises, it is President Obama that wants to mandate circumcision. We had that yesterday, and that means if anybody – if we need to save our penises from anybody, it’s Obama…..

Before Limbaugh could finish his prophetic statement he was overcome with

What tall tales Rush tells, seen here describing his missing penis at a RNC event earlier this year.

emotion and the show abruptly cut to commercial. When the show returned from commercial, Rush mysteriously launched right into discussing the “meaning” of a newly added clause in the health care plan. The new clause, Rush claimed, would force all grandmothers into choosing death or live out their lives in indentured slutitude, where they’d work all day, servicing the likes of leprechauns, minotaurs, androids, and other half breed beasts. Read more of this post

The First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution protects everyone’s freedom of speech and right to peaceably assemble. However, the Constitution doesn’t have any intelligence requirements to exercise those rights….

On a July 28 Fox News Show Glenn Beck called President Obama a racist who has a “deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture,” then as if remembering the President was born to a white mother contradicted…err, rescinded his comment seconds later. The damage was done as ColorofChange.org quickly started calling for a boycott of his show, and apparently sponsors listened. A large number of Beck’s sponsors have subsequently dropped him, which Beck has not taken lightly as supposedly he has been spending much of his off camera time alone crying in dark, musty stairwells. How bad is he hurting? Yesterday evil retailing giant Wal-Mart and seven other companies pulled their ads from his show. Among the other 20 companies that have bailed on the blinkered Beck are: GMAC Financial Services, Best Buy, CVS, Travelocity, Geico, ConAgra, RadioShack, Men’s Wearhouse, State Farm, Sargento Cheese and Procter & Gamble.

Hundreds of Beck fans have voiced support for him on a counter-protest Web site, which urges consumers to boycott the advertisers who pulled out of Beck’s show. Judging from Monday night’s broadcast, their efforts seemed to work as there were plenty of new sponsors eager to fill the ad slots, including the following notable companies:

I’ve had nightmares this day would come!! Unfortunately, that day has arrived. Chuck Norris is after Obama….(seriously)…. to show him his birth certificate. The birthers’ dream of throwing the President out of office has now become a scary reality, if not an inevitability. The birthers, if didn’t know, are a fringe group of crazies who insist that Obama show them his birth certificate on a daily basis, even though the birth certificate is readily available online. These nutjobs pretend like they’ve never seen it before, despite the countless copies he and his staff hand out like fliers at town hall meetings, and the tons more they’ve thrown out of cars traveling in the President’s motorcade. They inexplicably forget the surprise birthday party Obama threw for Birther leader Orly Taitz just two weeks ago in which the President, not only “made it rain” by dumping over 20,000 birth certificate copies on unsuspecting party patrons, but he also went as far as printing the invitations on copies of his certificate too. It’s like the movie Groundhog Day with these backwoods people.
They’ve been seen as a group of looneys, that is until today. You see, Chuck Norris sent Obama a letter (written on newborn baby flesh) in which he demands that the President show him his birth certificate.
Great!! Now these whackjobs have legitimate muscle behind them, just what we needed- WMDs ending up in the wrong hands. Norris and the birthers create an unstoppable redneck-tarded Voltron-like force, the likes of which this country has never seen before. When asked about the letter, Chuck responded by saying, “I’m going to see Obama’s name on some certificate by this Friday one way or another….if not his birth certificate then I’ll personally deliver his death certificate.” Obama had recently started to treat the birther’s daily requests as a joke and posted these “authentic” birth certificates on the White House website:

Obama's official Kenyan birth certificate

Enlisting the help of Chuck Norris can only be seen as a decisive victory for the birthers, because when Chuck speaks – everyone listens…. to themselves die. Birthers’ believe that Obama’s birth is a theory, much like Chuck Norris’ birth, except Chuck’s is known as the Big Bang. The government has not tried to hide its fear of Norris, as evident by the fact that he has never paid any taxes- even state sales tax. Instead, Chuck sends them his 1040ez forms blank – with only a stapled picture of himself crouched in attack-mode. Want another sign that Obama’s days are numbered in the white house? Chuck is not only a racist, he invented it….after Mr. T beat him in Tic Tac Toe once. However, this wouldn’t be the first time Norris ends the life of a President… back in 1963 he was responsible for killing President Kennedy. Many people think JFK was assassinated, however excerpts from the Zapruder film clearly show that just as Oswald fired his rifle, Chuck deflected all three bullets with his beard. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement. Read more of this post

Don’t take me seriously bro!!

Most items and/or articles on this website are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof. The information contained on this website is not meant to be taken seriously. Any issues? hit me up at - unreasonablysafe at gmail.

Don’t take the above warning too seriously bro!!

It might be a ploy by those in power that don't want people to know the truth.