The blog about various sorts of all things bullshit that may be of interest to you...
...or not.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

STOP WITH THE FUCKING TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE MOVIES!!!

Oh fucking hell, they're doing it again.

I've talked at great length before about how Hollywood just won't let certain franchises die, whether it be "Friday the 13th", "A Nightmare on Elm Street", or "Halloween", so I guess we can add "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" back to that list too. We're getting a prequel (and seriously what is this, like the eighth fucking prequel already?) focusing on the origins of Leatherface.

Yes, we need to have Leatherface have a fucking origin story.

Why is it now that these slasher icons from yesteryear now have to have so much exposition and origins given to them when they get remakes/reboots? Did we really need to see a young Michael Myers grow up in an abusive home with a stripper mother to give us a reason as to why he was the way he us? Remember the old explanation that he was just "pure evil" and that was it? Guess what? That actually fucking worked. The whole origin story given to him for the millennial generation certainly fucking didn't.

So with that in mind, what kind of possible fucking origin could Leatherface possibly fucking have? Let's see: fucked up looking kid, probably gets bullied, has fucked up family life (cannibals are usually pretty dysfunctional am I right?), and discovers catharsis in wielding chainsaws.

I think that will probably be more or less what we'll get with this new flick. See? This soulless bullshit, shameless cash-in garbage practically writes itself with little reason for forethought. Remember that abortion that was "Texas Chainsaw 3D"? I distinctly remember telling you fuckers not to lay down your hard earned cash to see that piece of shit, and you know what? You all did anyway. That movie was just disrespectful to fans of the franchise for a number of different reasons, and this new one probably won't be any different either. Now do as I say this time and DON'T GO SEE THIS FUCKING THING.

The only time we'll stop getting half-baked retreads on old franchises is when we all stop paying to see them. In regards to "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" itself though, let's look at the overall chronology of films in the series so far shall we?:

We have the 1974 original...

...followed by Tobe Hooper's 1986 sequel starring Dennis Hopper...

...followed by a third film (called "Leatherface") that was equal parts sequel and re-working of the original kind of...

...followed by "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: New Generation" (only famous for starring a pre-fame Matthew McConaughey and Rene Zellwegger) which was a remake in itself...

...followed by the 2003 remake that made a shitload of money...

...followed by the 2006 prequel to the 2003 remake that was just plain awful...

...followed by the cinematic abortion known as "Texas Chainsaw 3D" which claims to be a direct sequel to the ORIGINAL film from 1974.

You guys get all that?

Yeah, let this franchise die already. I know I say it all the damn time, but this is the one case where I think we can all agree that it has to die, and die right fucking now.