I got discouraged again last month. This time it wasn’t about me not feeling good enough… it was about realizing that I wasn’t going to find what I was looking for by swiping right and left….. At least not now anyway

That was a good thing. I realized that I have been phoning it in.

A friend tagged me in this recently… And while my flirting skills are definitely not the best… 🤷‍♀️ This is a perfect example of me ” putting in effort”

So let’s be honest… I wasn’t.

I had to really Be honest with myself… I said I wanted love, but did I really want a committed relationship?

All signs point to NO

And for the first time ….. I realized that was 100% OK.

I do want love. But I don’t think the time is now.

I was going through the motions because I didn’t feel like it was OK to be alone.

Truth is, I’m actually great alone. I do get lonely… But I’ve carved out a good life for myself. I did that.

I feel like I have some more work to do on my own. Taking a break from sex has been very hard… And I lost track somewhere how long it’s been… But over a year.

Let’s repeat . Hard

But—My life and my self-esteem are so much better for taking the time to breathe and heal.

When I am still and listen, I feel like I have a little bit longer to go. I feel impatient sometimes… ok A Lot…. But I am committed to following my intuition and living my best life.

This year, I made huge improvements in my relationships with family and friends. While I will never be a social butterfly, I have had many fun outings… And more importantly, deep soul bonding sessions with friends.

I’m really really proud of myself. I have been off antidepressants and my anxiety is almost entirely within normal limits.

OK. Scratch the word normal.

What I mean by that is every once in a while I take half a Xanax to knock the edge off… But it’s rare anymore.

For those of you taking Wellbutrin , extended release… You may not be aware as I was not, but it is tied to significant anxiety.

I say significant, meaning life crippling.

Mine got to a point that I could hardly leave my home other than work.

Anyway, My life isn’t perfect… But I feel nothing but hope looking forward. I feel excitement for the year ahead.

And I have a crush on someone I met in real life.

Now I will temper that by saying that he has a girlfriend. I think.

I will also say that we are work colleagues… Although different supervisors and regions. I’m actually good friends with his boss. Not that that matters exactly…

My best friend actually worked with him for a while, and brought him up as a possible love interest. I quickly squashed it.

I didn’t think he was strong enough for me… Probably because she recommended him. Why? I don’t know because I’m kind of a shit head lol

But, as time went by… I saw that his strength is quiet. I saw that he was a really nice guy, and a good father.

So the girlfriend… I don’t know. I think they broke up earlier in the year and got back together? Yes I have been nosy. She has their picture together as her profile picture on Facebook.

He does not… He doesn’t acknowledge her that I can tell.

But, I have no intention of trying to be shady. I’m just gonna lurk here in the shadows. Scorpion you know 😎

Last week, the person I work for expressed interest in buying the facility he works in… something I have been recommending for the last few weeks. ( having nothing to do with my crush… This honestly is a extremely lucrative opportunity )

Anyway, this person wanted to get a look at the facility discreetly… So I mentioned that I had planned on taking them Christmas goodies… And he could tagalong with me… After we delivered the goodies, we could ask for a tour…

So, this is what we did… And it ended up allowing me to visit with my crush for about an hour.

It was really nice. He asked me what I was doing for Christmas… I told him I didn’t know.

Which is actually true… My parents and family are celebrating on the 23rd… Which means for the first time, I am on my own for Christmas.

He mentioned that he was going to spend Christmas with his ex-wife and the kids… He made a point of telling me that they get along well and coparent well…

No mention of girlfriend.

I don’t know.

I’m trying to keep my hopes at a very low simmer.

I’m trying not to read more into things than I should.

I’m trying to let time do its thing or not.

I do think he is attracted to me. I don’t think that’s wishful thinking. I think a woman just knows.

Plus, he has delivered things to my office on more than one occasion… Things that typically would be delivered by a more junior team member.

But again… He could just like to get out of the office and drive. I can’t know for certain that’s about me.

Anyway… I think I am just enjoying the process… Or maybe I’m enjoying having real feelings for a real person… Someone I know beyond a computer screen…

I think it’s fair to say that I am a woman of depth. I don’t like the shallows.

You know when you swim deep down… You feel like your lungs are going to explode, but you push yourself anyway…

Finally, you come up for air …..and it’s incredible.

Breathing is new. You’re alive.

That’s where I live… This water dance.

I used to feel shame at my darkness. I thought it made me bad. But it does not. It makes me balanced… And makes my moments of light all that much brighter

Anyway… Sometimes when I’m down there in my thoughts, things that I think are truths actually aren’t.

Something I’m learning about intuition as well…… Sometimes it’s not that your intuition is wrong… It’s that you’re listening to something else… fear, doubt, insecurity… evil lies … When you’re in those moments, it’s easy to be confused. And once your mind goes there… It’s easy to go chasing further down that rabbit hole…

Lately I have been doubting some of my friend’s feelings for me. Not just my friends…..but some of my very best friends.

The reality of this is that it goes back to a very, very old wound.. it goes back to my mother telling me that my friends didn’t really like me.

A child’s heart was broken. Was she right? I don’t know. As an adult I can see that she was probably trying to protect me. Life gets messy. Wrong words are chosen.

Anyway, in the last week I have been on the ascent back up… I have started to see that I was wrong. Sometimes people don’t love us the way that we want them to… The way that we think we need them to…… But it doesn’t mean that they don’t love us.

Life often gets in the way of good intentions.

I was listening to a reading today and this exact thing was addressed… And this speaker was kind of laughing about how much these people actually do adore us…. and I find myself laughing too. It IS silly.

Day progresses and I decided to take a nice long bath. I have a beautiful garden tub… One of my favorite things on earth.

pink Himalayan bath salts and very hot water… and heaven ❤️ These two are my favorites!

( in case you are not aware… Salt bath are excellent for spiritual cleansing- Empaths especially take note )

After this, I was feeling very calm and loving… I decided to send my friends love.

I did this meditation laying on my bed, with my eyes closed. And about halfway through, I began to cry.

I was crying because I could literally feel the love I was sending out into the world returning back to me.