For some Canadian moms, raising children by themselves a conscious choice

Michael Tutton, The Canadian Press09.19.2012

Cassidy Thompson, centre, and her sister Bryanna Thompson, right, help their mother Lianne Thompson, left, serve dinner in their home in Mississauga, Ontario on Wednesday, September 5, 2012. Lianne Thompson made the conscious decision to adopt as a single mom and is part of a high number of single parents in Canada. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Michelle Siu

SAINT JOHN, N.B. - Not all of the single parents captured by Canada's 2011 census are victims of circumstance. For some, it was a considered lifestyle choice after Prince Charming failed to turn up on schedule.

Lianne Thompson, 49, decided to adopt her two daughters from China — one in 2000 and the second girl in 2003. She raises Bryanna, now 13, and Cassidy, 10, while working as a marketing and communications executive with a national association based in Toronto.

She describes herself as a "parent by choice," part of a generation of female baby boomers who opted to confront life's milestones — from parenting to home ownership — on their own after realizing the perfect life partner wasn't on the horizon.

"That's definitely how I felt about children," Thompson said. "I didn't want to wait until I was too old to have them, in the hopes the perfect ... Prince Charming would walk in the door."

Statistics Canada doesn't distinguish between single parents who opted to raise their kids alone versus those who had no choice. But the percentage of single parents who were never married was 31.5 per cent in 2011, ten times the number in 1961.

Thompson, who was also profiled by The Canadian Press following the 2001 census, said she has no regrets about her decision — moments of intense fatigue notwithstanding.

"It's exhausting doing it all on your own, but ... I feel a completely different person from 10 years ago," she said. "I feel very confident, most of the time, and I'm a good parent."

She established a network of single mothers with similar experiences, and together they created their own systems to supplement each other and help out at critical points.

"Some of those moms have become part of my close circle of friends and they have regularly stepped in with help and support in many ways — sometimes for fun, sometimes in crisis, always in support."

There was the time a single-mom friend looked after Bryanna when Cassidy needed surgery. Another friend with a talent for organization spent a weekend decluttering and reorganizing Thompson's kitchen — a time-consuming chore most single moms would consider an impossible luxury.

"Being a single parent can occasionally be a lonely proposition, and this new and extended 'family' is a support I lean on."

Shauna Press, a special education teacher in Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ont., who adopted a Chinese girl, became a close friend of Thompson's through the network of single mothers they helped create.

"I would totally recommend it, but you have to remember that you need to build a support system outside your immediate home," Press said.

"You can't expect to raise this child alone."

Single mothers like Press and Thompson are part of a relatively small group, but one that's been growing over the past decade, said social worker Michael Saini, a researcher and lecturer at the University of Toronto who studies families.

Still, they're a tiny minority — perhaps fewer than one or two per cent of the roughly 1.5 million Canadians who run single-parent families.

The majority of single parents are the product of separations or divorces that result in one parent gaining sole custody of the children, while teenaged mothers and widows and widowers whose spouses die young also round out the numbers.

In 2011, 50.8 per cent of lone parents reported being divorced or separated, while 31.5 per cent said they had never been married. Some 17.7 per cent were widows or widowers.

The loss of income that accompanies separation or the death of a spouse often means a life lived near or below the poverty line, said Saini. But the absence of a second parent need not be harmful to a child's well-being if income levels are adequate.

Press said she seeks out positive male role models for her daughter, including making sure she gets to spend plenty of time with her own father.

"I want her to know that I would have gotten married," she said. "There are healthy relationships out there and I don't want her to think that (being a single mother) is the only way to go."

Thompson, on the other hand, said she has no plans to be anything but a single parent for the forseeable future.

"I find it all consuming to be a parent," she said. "And I have to say I'm very selective now in the people who I would consider bringing into their lives. I'm much more careful than I would have been before dating."

For a generation of women that have grown up with choices, finding a male partner late in life is still an option, though, she added.

"When the children are off and doing their own thing, we'll hve lots of time to decide what's next."

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For some Canadian moms, raising children by themselves a conscious choice

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