5 disgustingly bad foods we love

You're home alone. The urge strikes. You head to the secret stash in the closet. Even though you know nobody's home, you look over both shoulders, twice.

Your heart rate quickens. You know what you're doing is wrong, but you rationalize: "One more indulgence is all, and then I'll get rid of it. I'll never buy it again."

You creep into the closet, move the pile of clothes, lift the floor board, and there it is, beckoning you forth. Nobody's going to find out. It's just you and the secret stash. A half-hour later, you're sprawled out on the bed, half conscious, realizing this won't be the last time, regardless of what you tell yourself.

You know what you did was repulsive, but you just can't stop eating these five disgusting foods we love!

Up first, care for a pastry that never gets old ... literally?

No. 5: Twinkies

Twinkies are the food the fat kid you made fun of in school ate. If the fat kid, for example, came to school with a broken arm, it was because he climbed the rack at 7-11 and fell reaching for a Twinkie. Even after you found out the fat kid had a metabolic imbalance that caused his portly disfigurement, you still told "his blood is made of Twinkie filling" jokes.

Of course you feel bad about that now because you also secretly enjoyed the yellow, spongy substance filled with white frosting-like cream, but were too embarrassed to tell anyone.

In fact, your high school lost the state championship basketball game, not because you had the flu, but because you inhaled 13 Twinkies before getting on the bus and then vomited incessantly.

And that Twinkie you left in the attic 13 years ago. It tasted just as good this morning as it would have then, especially after eating our next entry.

After you've gobbled down that Twinkie, hit the drive-thru for our next fast food delight ...

No. 4: Filet O' Fish

The five disgusting foods we love list would not be complete without a sampling from the world of fast food, the only industry that could produce a square fish-like item, covered in fatty batter, that contains very little to no nutritional value.

Since eating one Filet O' Fish automatically leads to eating three Filets O' Fish, you will have consumed 1,200 calories and 54 grams of fat (not counting the nine packets of tartar sauce the fake fish swims in), and you still won't be sure what it was you ate.

Scientists have agreed that the only way to make the Filet O' Fish sandwich better would be to cover it with nacho cheese.

Which leads us to our No. 3 selection ...

No. 3: Nacho cheese

It's orange. It's cheese flavored. You could eat a pound of it while watching football. It makes you really fat. That's about where the similarities end between nacho cheese and actual cheese.

That hasn't stopped you, however, from fantasizing about swimming naked in a river of nacho cheese while nacho cheese nymphs swim by wearing tortilla chip bikinis. It also hasn't stopped you from secretly scraping the clear plastic bottom of a discarded nacho plate at a baseball game in order to get a sample of the delicious radioactive-orange colored substance.

The greatest moment in nacho cheese history occurred several years ago when Barney Jacklestomp used it as adhesive for a gingerbread house to leave out for Santa on Christmas Eve. Santa loves nacho cheese ... and cookies.

Speaking of cookies, let's look at No. 2 ...

No. 2: Store-brand sandwich cookies

A trip down the grocery store snack aisle reveals a plethora of disgusting foods we love, none more than prepackaged cookies.

You know the ones. They're the cookies that require you to remove a plastic tray out of a plastic bag, a bag containing hundreds of round crème-filled delicacies, crème filled delicacies that leave a film in your mouth for weeks, a film that must be scrubbed away the next morning with a hydroelectric toothbrush, a toothbrush that must be thrown away after making contact with the aforementioned film.

There's no deception with these delicious wonders (other than, perhaps, the self deception of you saying you're never going to eat them again).

There are no claims of low fat or low sugar or low calorie; the only thing low about these is your self-esteem after plowing through the entire bag (and loving every second of it).

But if you really love sugar, you'll love our No.1 choice ...

No. 1: Candy corn

Kids love corn. Kids love candy. Although candy corns have no actual corn, and although the candy component of one of the most disgusting delicious foods ever created is unrecognizable, kids (and adults) love candy corns.

Although candy corns do not contain a warning on the label, they should. They can bring on quite the sugar high.

However, no matter how believable they are, there's no truth to reports of incidents of candy corn gorging, followed by toxic shock delirium, followed by planting a garden of candy corns in hope that a candy cornstalk will be ready for harvest in a few months.

The main ingredients of candy corn are sugar, corn syrup, and artificial colors and binders. No wonder it tastes so good!

Although candy corns are a popular Halloween treat, their value exists in their ability to remain fresh and consumable in the sugar drought that occurs after Halloween chocolate is gone and before Thanksgiving's most disgusting, lovable desserts commence.

Distributed by LAKANA. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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