Before fancy graphics, coherent writing, and cultural sensitivity, the world was a badder place. Join us as we remember a time when having three frames of animation for your sprite was a luxury and the only requirement for rescuing the president from ninjas was being sufficiently bad.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

The announcement of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's latest film project, an adaptation of the classic arcade game Rampage, has us excited. The news that Johnson would merely be playing a normal human battling against these monsters lowered our hype just a bit, but we're still holding out hope that the twist at the end of the movie is that he'll grow to massive size to do battle on their level. If you thought Jason Statham taking a Rock Bottom through a coffee table in Furious 7 was awesome, just imagine a giant werewolf getting hit with a La Magistral Cradle in the middle of Cleveland. Where can I buy tickets??

To celebrate the Rock's continued cinematic success, here's our humble list of the next classic arcade game characters he should portray. At number four: Mike Haggar!

This one is a no-brainer. Mike Haggar, a.k.a. that Don Frye-looking dude from Final Fight who wears green pants held aloft by a single jumbo suspender, is probably the most-famous wrestling-themed character in arcade history. And sure, the Rock isn't known for delivering jumping piledrivers and German suplexes in the ring,

And he'd certainly have to up his mustache game!

but we're confident he could expand his moveset (and his stachemoves) if he were to snag this starring role in a Final Fight film adaptation. Plus, if you've ever read about his diet, you know he could put down the cornucopia the health-restoring hamburgers, grapes, and giant ham legs hidden in all the barrels of Metro City.

Barbecue, the game calls it.

Now, we know that the Rock's appeal is that he isn't just your everyday strongman actor. He's got a lot going on in terms of emotions and feelings. That's why it's a good thing that Mike Haggar is at least as much of a intellectual as he is a grappler. He's the lawfully elected mayor of Metro City, for god's sake! We've never seen the Rock in a political role, but if you don't think he could deliver a convincing stump speech, why are you even reading this blog?