May 1998

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The Unwritten Rules Everyone Needs to Know in Order to Survive Waterford
High School

by Julie Wernau

Imagine this. You, an average sized student, are walking down the
W-wing, mushing your way through the crowded halls of Waterford High
School. Suddenly, Chad Vietch comes walking straight towards you
with his huge, towering, massive self. According to the unwritten rules
of Waterford High School you are obligated to move your scrawny butt out
of the way. There are many rules in Waterford High School which no one
has written down, but deserve to be given this privilege. Maybe
shedding some light on this subject will clear up a few things which
some of the more oblivious students in this school may not have quite
caught on to yet.

Let's start at the beginning of the day shall we? The bus stop. Now,
I know that not everyone has the privilege of taking the loser cruiser,
but I happen to so let's start out there. At the bus stop, the first
thing which everyone must automatically do is look as if they haven't
slept in 300 years. Everyone at the bus stop will hate you if you show
up happy. No one is happy to take the bus...no one. I've found
normally it is also a requirement to complain incessantly about
everything until the bus arrives. This serves as an ice breaker for the
three people who would never even acknowledge each other's presence in
front of their friends. I mean, the three people who are at your bus
stop always have to be the three people who either A.) You haven't
talked to since that big fight in fourth grade B.) Have slept with your
significant other or C.)Embody everything you will tell your children
not to associate with. That's a small town for you. Anyway, this
drunken morning stupor must carry on to the bus ride to school. If you
are a morning person and want to survive this journey just make sure you
stare straight ahead and pretend not to notice that anyone else on the bus
exists. Whatever you do, don't talk. I guarantee that any word you say
above a whisper is ticking someone off to the point that they would
bash your face in if they weren't so busy pretending that something
extremely interesting was outside the window.

Now, I think it is important to mention that there are very specific
rules to getting down the hallway. If you ever want to get through the
mess of people who prevent you from reaching your destination, you have
to be bold. You have to be brave. You have to have that look on your
face that says, "I was born to walk down this hall and no one can get
through me. I am God. I am your worst nightmare. Get out of my way."
Anyone will tell you that it takes a truly amazing person to get through
the E-wing at rush hour while walking a straight line and not get into
full fledged brawl. For those of you who are not quite so bold and have
that look that says, "I'm a freshman, please don't hurt me." These are
the guidelines to follow. First of all stay to the right, and stay as
close to the lockers as you can. With this path, the people who are
attempting to get books out of their lockers will simply push you
along. Your feet won't even touch the ground. Another approach is to
take a shortcut through Mr. Reynold's room. I've seen many saplings try
this method. As soon as they reach the intersection they make a mad
dash for Reynold's room and come out the other end high and dry. No one
even notices the detour. Not everyone realizes the art of hall walking,
and I would hate to see the mushed up remains of a small person who
accidently went to the left. By the way, all you people who have
little tea parties in the middle of the hallway ...move.

Here we are. You've reached your locker, your locker neighbors are on
either side of it, and you have three minutes to get to class. You have
a few options, depending on which way your locker opens. Let's just say
that your's opens to the left. Now, because the people who designed the
lockers at W.H.S. are such geniuses your door bangs into the person's
door to the left of you. In order to survive this adventure, you must
open your locker door just enough so that you can get to your
books. If you come into your locker like you are some kind of crazed
lunatic who thinks they own the school, you aren't going to have any
locker buddies, and one day someone will lose it and put a nice red
locker dent in your forehead. That could ruin Christmas. So just open
it a teeny bit and put your huge mother of a backpack in any open space
you can find. Oh, and whatever you do, don't stand at your locker and
bend over to get a book from the bottom. You're just asking to get your
butt slapped.

Here's another thing to watch out for: many people have the mistaken
impression that just because someone acts one way when the teacher is
present, they always act that way. Au contraire. It is unbelievable
the things that people will do once a teacher leaves the room. You just
aren't allowed to be good when the teacher says, "Be good. I'll be
back in a second." One person always has to scream, "Party!" One
person always has to make fun of the idiot who screamed, "Party!" One
person is keeping watch, and one person is always arbitrarily running
around the room doing something completely random like playing duck duck
goose. Everyone always just accepts this as normal of course. If this
complete lack of order scares you, just squeeze your eyes shut as tight
as you can until the teacher comes back. Whatever you do don't say,
"Come on you guys. We should really be good." Those nine words just
cost you your life. Oh, and if you happen to be involved in the duck
duck goose game, don't continue to play when the teacher comes back.

You don't want to be the only person standing in the middle of the room
screaming "Ha! GOOOOSSSEEE!!! I got you! I got you!" when the teacher
comes into the room. That goose will most likely suddenly be very
involved in a copy of Moby Dick.

Another wonderful adventure is the bathroom. Of course, the rules to
the bathroom are very different depending on your gender. All guys know
the rules of the urinals. They shouldn't really have to be explained,
but for those of you who were born in a cave...stare straight ahead and
whatever you do, don't look down. Also, don't urinate in pairs. When
men see men standing and peeing next to each other they assume that they
are lovers. It's a guy thing. Now, women are very different in the
school bathroom. Most of the time if you are a female you should try to
slip into the bathroom at a random time like 10:17 when no one is in
there. This is your best bet, but if you do go in there during another
time, be sure to follow the rules. First, if you smoke, don't take up a
stall. You aren't fooling anyone by pretending to be peeing for five
minutes straight. Boof isn't completely oblivious you know. If you
don't follow this rule, at least wipe the ashes off the seat as a common
courtesy to those of us who actually have to pee. It isn't much fun
when you realize that you forgot to check the seat before you sat down,
and there are ashes all over your butt. For those of you who don't
smoke, make sure you check the seat. Don't approach the person who left
the ashes there either. Most non-smokers assume they are the only ones
who don't smoke in the bathrooms. In reality most people don't, but a
little known fact is that all of us who don't are afraid of the people
who do. Actually, it works out quite nicely. The smokers are nice to
the non-smokers because they're afraid of being ratted on and the
Non-smokers are nice to the smokers because they are afraid of getting
beaten up. The two sides are constantly at arms. Don't approach the
other team, it just isn't smart. If you stay on your side, they'll stay
on theirs. Also, don't talk to the person in the stall next to you. No
one wants to talk at a time like that. It is embarrassing enough.

One rule that will get you through any jam at Waterford High is to act
completely disinterested. It works in so many cases. At football games
when we score a touch down don't ever let on that you are excited. If
you want to be really cool, you have to make fun of our team and root
for the other team. School spirit is a big no no. During the moment of
silence, don't pray. Act like you suddenly had something really
important to say to your best friend next to you. I can not recall a
time when it was ever silent during the moment of silence. If there is
a test the next day that you are going to stay up all night studying
for, when your friend asks you about it say, "I don't care, I know I'm
not going to study." Disinterest is the key.

Just a few rules to live by and you'll get through Waterford High just
fine. Now that you know what they are be sure to follow them, and if
you ever get stuck and forget a few rules, just remember that there is
always someone who is way more clueless than you are. Just laugh it off
and vow to try harder next time. We all make mistakes. Some people
just make them more frequently than others.