I'll preface this by saying that I'm aware I could be the Special Snowflake here, but I'd like to hear other people's take on the things that are bothering me about this party that I need to find a way to bow out of. Here's how it went down.

--Received Facebook invite from friend for a housewarming party in a few weeks. Her new abode is about 30 minutes away, potentially much longer drive depending on weather. I viewed the invite but did not RSVP same day.

--A few days later, same friend invited me to brunch, which I declined. I did tell her I received her party invite and stupidly texted "Will be there" with the intention of "formally" RSVPing on the FB invite.

--Signed on to FB a few days later and there was a message attached to the invite stating "BTW, this is a potluck party, please bring a dish to pass." Here's where I start to get prickly. Not only is it a bait and switch to ask people to your party BEFORE telling them they have to provide the food, but poorly organized potlucks are a pain, particularly if it's not close family or friends and you don't know what the kitchen/dining set up is and what anyone else is bringing.

--The next day the FB invite has another addendum. "Hey party people, just a reminder that I don't allow shoes in my house. Maybe we can have a funky sock contest, LOLZ." This is not for cultural reasons nor is she actually serious about said contest, the hostess is diagnosed OCD clean freak who gets really bent out of shape about any perceived disorder. Obviously it's rude to track snow or dirt through someone's house; however, presumably people will be dressed nicely for this party including wearing their dress up shoes etc. and presumably people will use common sense in wiping their shoes appropriately like grownups. Unless you are going to provide said funky socks or slippers for your guests, I think it is unreasonable to ask everyone to take off their shoes. The idea of all that funky foot odor grosses me out in addition to the annoyance of having to put together a nice party outfit that will look stupid if I were to bring my own "funky" socks to wear inside.

--The coup de gras was a few days later. A FB invite addendum stating "BTW, BYOB. All I'm serving is punch."

To summarize, this party involves the attendees providing the food and drink and sitting around in their funky stink socks. I want nothing to do with it. Since it's a housewarming, I would also feel obligated to bring a gift. I would have gladly brought a nice gift and libations without being asked before all these additional mandates came out. I would have declined politely if all this information was forthcoming in the original invite. Although I have not accepted the invite on FB yet, I did text that I was coming before all the party directives were issued. Is there a way to get out of this without being a total cow?

You're not being a special snowflake. Your friend is being a clod. Un-RSVP and apologize. Say you made an error and have a conflict for that date. Promise to visit and see her new place in the new year.

I recently had a friend do this and it drove me nuts. First it was a pot luck friend gathering for the holiday. NOT a gift exchange. After RSVps went out she announced there would be a game which required everyone to bring TWO gifts. Then a few days before the party she announced she would make dinner but wanted friends to bring desserts and drinks. There were a few other emails about plans for games at the party that required us to bring money, too. It really turned me off and I remembered why i stopped attending her gatherings. I went and had a nice time after all (no games, no gifts, just dinner and dessert and friends having nice chats) but I was dreading it, and I'm going to be on edge any time she plans something in the future because of the bait and switch routine.

First, this does not sound like a housewarming of any fun and you shouldn't attend. Bring your food and drink is not hosting.

But...the sock thing was discussed on this board before and it is best just to back away quietly. It's is cultural, but not in a religious sense. It's more geographic and people have almost visceral responses both ways.

I have lived in both regions and it was SO hard (personally) to leave my shoes on when I moved to the shoe wearing region. I had to keep checking the hosts and other guests feet to reassure myself it was OK.

My one issue that I disagree with is her no-shoes policy. That's someone else's home and if they request no shoes then no shoes it is. Two of my good friends ask that guests leave their shoes at the door and no one has ever had an issue doing so. I don't find it unreasonable to request no shoes in the home.

Otherwise, no I don't think you are being 'special' here. This woman is turning her own housewarming party into a 'bring your own everything' shindig, how is she to expect that her guests will be essentially providing the food for not only themselves but everyone else?

If an event at a friends is going on they might throw in "If you want to bring anything here's what I am already going to be serving: X, Y, A and B" but we never expect friends to fully cater our get together!

Every year Boyfriend hosts a Christmas/New Years party in which he provides ample food for all and anyone who might want to bring something is perfectly welcome to, but it's not some kind of door fee or expectation.

Personally I would politely change my response to not attending and inform her that your sorry but you cannot show up after all.

First, this does not sound like a housewarming of any fun and you shouldn't attend. Bring your food and drink is not hosting.

But...the sock thing was discussed on this board before and it is best just to back away quietly. It's is cultural, but not in a religious sense. It's more geographic and people have almost visceral responses both ways.

I have lived in both regions and it was SO hard (personally) to leave my shoes on when I moved to the shoe wearing region. I had to keep checking the hosts and other guests feet to reassure myself it was OK.

Her shoe thing isn't really about geographical differences, we grew up in the same area. It's a freak out about cleanliness thing. I really don't mind the taking the shoes if it's just me popping over or a casual get together, it just so unseemly to have to do it with a big party in the middle of winter. I don't understand why a person who was so obsessed with maintaining the integrity of their floors would even have a large group of people over to begin with.

The no shoes thing would definitely have me declining. I have a bad back and standing around in sock feet means I am in incredible pain for the evening and perhaps for a few days afterwards. I bring a pair of shoes and change into them at the door when I go to people's homes. If she wouldn't let me do that, I'd decline.

But I'd still decline this invitation based on all the other things - invite me then tell me I need to bring a dish to pass and my own booze? No thanks. I have no problem with potluck and BYOB parties, as long as they are billed that way from the get go. In fact, for years, this was normal for our crew.

Logged

After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice: If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.

I can't stand wearing shoes in my place. So what I do is leave a nice place by the door for folks to put their shoes by the door. I find that most people take them off, a few ask me if I'd like them to, and a few don't. I figure it's the best of both worlds. My home stays relatively clean, and those who have an aversion to taking off their shoes for whatever reason can leave theirs on without a big production out of it.

First, this does not sound like a housewarming of any fun and you shouldn't attend. Bring your food and drink is not hosting.

But...the sock thing was discussed on this board before and it is best just to back away quietly. It's is cultural, but not in a religious sense. It's more geographic and people have almost visceral responses both ways.

I have lived in both regions and it was SO hard (personally) to leave my shoes on when I moved to the shoe wearing region. I had to keep checking the hosts and other guests feet to reassure myself it was OK.

Her shoe thing isn't really about geographical differences, we grew up in the same area. It's a freak out about cleanliness thing. I really don't mind the taking the shoes if it's just me popping over or a casual get together, it just so unseemly to have to do it with a big party in the middle of winter. I don't understand why a person who was so obsessed with maintaining the integrity of their floors would even have a large group of people over to begin with.

Well, it's 'cultural', not geographical.I grew up 5 miles and 1 town away from my husband. He and I have fundamentally irrevocably opposite opinions on 'the shoe issue'.I'll suggest you do a search for past shoe/house threads on ehell, because, really this is one of those 'no middle ground, people have fairly legitimate reasons for coming down on either side of this" issues.

Please... not shoes in the house... again... It's the very first issue mentioned here.

That said, OP, you're in the clear to now decline. You RSVPd yes to an entirely different event. The one you were going to isn't happening now and something else has been put in place to replace it. Decline this new "opportunity."

As an aside, I frequently have to reset my perceptions when I read posts where a 30 minute drive is considered to be a great deal. I live in a place where it takes at least 30 minutes to get anywhere. Things only get inconvenient for me if the go over an hour or so.

Logged

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

As an aside, I frequently have to reset my perceptions when I read posts where a 30 minute drive is considered to be a great deal. I live in a place where it takes at least 30 minutes to get anywhere. Things only get inconvenient for me if the go over an hour or so.

You and me both! Thirty minutes is nothing to me. Heck, that's going just about anywhere here!

I don't like these kind of invitations, but I really don't think it's as bad as the OP makes it seem.

I don't think it's terrible not to want shoes in your home, and she has the decency of telling everyone invited in advance, so stinky socks and footwear that make up an outfit can be avoided.

In my opinion, if you bring a dish to pass you are exempt from bringing a housewarming gift. Your dish is your gift.

There are a good number of threads here that talk about what beverages a host needs to serve. I never saw written anywhere that a host needs to provide a selection of alcoholic beverages. She's serving punch, hopefully there will be enough for everyone and water and soft drinks as well.

Each of these seperately does not make her a terrible hostess. I think the problem is that she is informing you of all these things bit by bit, and all of the above together that makes people not want to attend her party. With which I totally agree.

Change the RSVP and reschedule something with her. The party is still a few weeks away, I think you'll be in the clear.