Hey, Look at This

02/16/2007

The way I see it

As part of its "The Way I See It" series, Starbucks has sent a flotilla — nay, an armada — of paper cups out into the world bearing "a collection of thoughts, opinions and expressions provided by notable figures" to promote, Starbucks says, "a good, healthy discussion."

Here is how I want to believe cup #208 went down. Imagine, if you will...

One bright autumn day, Michele Johnson-Bergmeier, a warm-hearted, good-natured adoptive mother of one in Wamego, Kansas, indulges herself by settling in with a rich, steaming skinny decaf quad venti organic hazelnut caramel machiatto. Parking her sleeping son's stroller next to a deep plum velveteen club chair in her neighborhood Starbucks, she happens to notice a pithy statement on the side of the cup — perhaps this one, seeing as she lives in rural Kansas — and feels thunderstruck. "Maybe," she says, "just maybe...I could say something on a cup."

So all abrim with creativity, she flips open her laptop, connects to the Internet via the store's free WiFi, visits starbucks.com, and writes a brief but loving rhapsody inspired by her sleeping son, by how grateful she is that he entered her life, by how transformative the adoption experience has been for her whole family. Fueled by sincerity and high-fructose corn syrup, she distills it down to a few short lines and finally clicks "Submit."

Let us imagine that this is what she writes:

A child who becomes your child through adoption completes a family. Just as when you commit to your spouse or partner there are no biological ties, yet a family was formed. This child enters a family the same way! It is not blood and flesh that form a family, but the heart.

Nice, right?

The Starbucks customer service employee assigned to reading these submissions — most of which are sent by crackpots who invariably sign their entries, "I am not a crackpot" — sees something special in Michele's. Something touching. Something human. Something they can work with. He forwards her entry up the org chart at Starbucks.

Hey, want to give this a quick once-over, punch it up a little, see what you can do? I'm looking for something in a piquant-but-not-offensive.

A child who becomes your child through adoption completes a family.
Just as when you commit to your spouse or partner there are no
biological ties, yet a family was formed. This child enters a family
the same way! It is not blood and flesh that form a family, but the
heart.

Embryo cryopreservation? PGD? Stem cell research? Cloning? Cats' heads on dogs' bodies? A planet where apes evolved from men? Sweet Serono almighty, where will this crazy madcap reproductive rampage end? I wish couples who desperately take every means to conceive a child would realize that adoption is a wonderful alternative. A child who becomes your child through adoption completes a family. Just as when you commit to your spouse or partner there are no biological ties, yet a family was formed. This child enters a family the same way! It is not blood and flesh that form a family, but the heart. Now aren't you ashamed of your own narcissistic desires? My God, aren't you listening? Don't you hear that unearthly whirring sound? Poor Louise Brown is spinning in her grave. Self-absorbed jerks.

Embryo cryopreservation? PGD? Stem cell research? Cloning? Cats'
heads on dogs' bodies? A planet where apes evolved from men? Sweet Serono almighty, where will this crazy
madcap reproductive rampage end? I wish couples who desperately take
every means to conceive a child would realize that adoption is a
wonderful alternative. A child who becomes your child through adoption
completes a family. Just as when you commit to your spouse or partner
there are no biological ties, yet a family was formed. This child
enters a family the same way! It is not blood and flesh that form a
family, but the heart. Now aren't you ashamed of your own narcissistic
desires? My God, aren't you listening? Don't you hear that unearthly
whirring sound? Poor Louise Brown is spinning in her grave.
Self-absorbed jerks.

Sure, we can just squash the font size down and omit the boilerplate about the contents of the cup being ridiculously, insanely, palate-meltingly hot. It's COFFEE, for God's sake -- what do people expect?

Bigger question is whether the extra ink for all those words will break the bank. David?

--Confidentiality Notice: This message, and any attachments, may contain information that is confidential, privileged, and/or protected from disclosure under state and federal laws. If you received this message in error or through inappropriate means, please reply to this message to notify the Sender that the message was received by you in error, and then permanently delete this message from all storage media, without forwarding or retaining a copy.

I think you guys should really add a line about how as soon as you stop trying and adopt, you'll get pregnant in no time. That happened to my cousin.

--TTYL,Glenn

From: David in AccountingTo: Lars in Graphic Design, Jackie in Marketing, Glenn in Operations, Sasha in LegalSubject: Ink for adoption TWISI

If we were to use this slogan, it would cost less at current prices to print each cup with the blood of an Rh-negative albino virgin than with our standard lead-free vegetable-based fair trade ink. May I suggest a minor edit?

Hey, infertile: Some lady in Kansas thinks you're a selfish ass.

From: Sasha in LegalTo: Lars in Graphic Design, Jackie in Marketing, Glenn in Operations, David in AccountingSubject: RE: Ink for adoption TWISI

Get serious, David. You know we can't say "ass" in corporate communications. Suggest change from "selfish ass" to "selfish gluteal region" if, in fact, you are referring in a general sense to the large posterior muscle group; "selfish sphincter ani externus" if you are referring specifically to the hole therein.

--Confidentiality Notice: This message, and any attachments, may contain information that is confidential, privileged, and/or protected from disclosure under state and federal laws. If you received this message in error or through inappropriate means, please reply to this message to notify the Sender that the message was received by you in error, and then permanently delete this message from all storage media, without forwarding or retaining a copy.

What the fuck. You people. I swear to God I would quit tomorrow if Starbucks' insurance didn't cover my IVF drugs. Frank, pass along your final okay on this by COB today, please.

I wish couples who desperately take every means to conceive a child would realize that adoption is a wonderful alternative. A child who becomes your child through adoption completes a family. Just as when you commit to your spouse or partner there are no biological ties, yet a family was formed. This child enters a family the same way! It is not blood and flesh that form a family, but the heart.

Comments

The way I see it

As part of its "The Way I See It" series, Starbucks has sent a flotilla — nay, an armada — of paper cups out into the world bearing "a collection of thoughts, opinions and expressions provided by notable figures" to promote, Starbucks says, "a good, healthy discussion."

Here is how I want to believe cup #208 went down. Imagine, if you will...

One bright autumn day, Michele Johnson-Bergmeier, a warm-hearted, good-natured adoptive mother of one in Wamego, Kansas, indulges herself by settling in with a rich, steaming skinny decaf quad venti organic hazelnut caramel machiatto. Parking her sleeping son's stroller next to a deep plum velveteen club chair in her neighborhood Starbucks, she happens to notice a pithy statement on the side of the cup — perhaps this one, seeing as she lives in rural Kansas — and feels thunderstruck. "Maybe," she says, "just maybe...I could say something on a cup."

So all abrim with creativity, she flips open her laptop, connects to the Internet via the store's free WiFi, visits starbucks.com, and writes a brief but loving rhapsody inspired by her sleeping son, by how grateful she is that he entered her life, by how transformative the adoption experience has been for her whole family. Fueled by sincerity and high-fructose corn syrup, she distills it down to a few short lines and finally clicks "Submit."

Let us imagine that this is what she writes:

A child who becomes your child through adoption completes a family. Just as when you commit to your spouse or partner there are no biological ties, yet a family was formed. This child enters a family the same way! It is not blood and flesh that form a family, but the heart.

Nice, right?

The Starbucks customer service employee assigned to reading these submissions — most of which are sent by crackpots who invariably sign their entries, "I am not a crackpot" — sees something special in Michele's. Something touching. Something human. Something they can work with. He forwards her entry up the org chart at Starbucks.

Hey, want to give this a quick once-over, punch it up a little, see what you can do? I'm looking for something in a piquant-but-not-offensive.

A child who becomes your child through adoption completes a family.
Just as when you commit to your spouse or partner there are no
biological ties, yet a family was formed. This child enters a family
the same way! It is not blood and flesh that form a family, but the
heart.

Embryo cryopreservation? PGD? Stem cell research? Cloning? Cats' heads on dogs' bodies? A planet where apes evolved from men? Sweet Serono almighty, where will this crazy madcap reproductive rampage end? I wish couples who desperately take every means to conceive a child would realize that adoption is a wonderful alternative. A child who becomes your child through adoption completes a family. Just as when you commit to your spouse or partner there are no biological ties, yet a family was formed. This child enters a family the same way! It is not blood and flesh that form a family, but the heart. Now aren't you ashamed of your own narcissistic desires? My God, aren't you listening? Don't you hear that unearthly whirring sound? Poor Louise Brown is spinning in her grave. Self-absorbed jerks.

Embryo cryopreservation? PGD? Stem cell research? Cloning? Cats'
heads on dogs' bodies? A planet where apes evolved from men? Sweet Serono almighty, where will this crazy
madcap reproductive rampage end? I wish couples who desperately take
every means to conceive a child would realize that adoption is a
wonderful alternative. A child who becomes your child through adoption
completes a family. Just as when you commit to your spouse or partner
there are no biological ties, yet a family was formed. This child
enters a family the same way! It is not blood and flesh that form a
family, but the heart. Now aren't you ashamed of your own narcissistic
desires? My God, aren't you listening? Don't you hear that unearthly
whirring sound? Poor Louise Brown is spinning in her grave.
Self-absorbed jerks.

Sure, we can just squash the font size down and omit the boilerplate about the contents of the cup being ridiculously, insanely, palate-meltingly hot. It's COFFEE, for God's sake -- what do people expect?

Bigger question is whether the extra ink for all those words will break the bank. David?

--Confidentiality Notice: This message, and any attachments, may contain information that is confidential, privileged, and/or protected from disclosure under state and federal laws. If you received this message in error or through inappropriate means, please reply to this message to notify the Sender that the message was received by you in error, and then permanently delete this message from all storage media, without forwarding or retaining a copy.

I think you guys should really add a line about how as soon as you stop trying and adopt, you'll get pregnant in no time. That happened to my cousin.

--TTYL,Glenn

From: David in AccountingTo: Lars in Graphic Design, Jackie in Marketing, Glenn in Operations, Sasha in LegalSubject: Ink for adoption TWISI

If we were to use this slogan, it would cost less at current prices to print each cup with the blood of an Rh-negative albino virgin than with our standard lead-free vegetable-based fair trade ink. May I suggest a minor edit?

Hey, infertile: Some lady in Kansas thinks you're a selfish ass.

From: Sasha in LegalTo: Lars in Graphic Design, Jackie in Marketing, Glenn in Operations, David in AccountingSubject: RE: Ink for adoption TWISI

Get serious, David. You know we can't say "ass" in corporate communications. Suggest change from "selfish ass" to "selfish gluteal region" if, in fact, you are referring in a general sense to the large posterior muscle group; "selfish sphincter ani externus" if you are referring specifically to the hole therein.

--Confidentiality Notice: This message, and any attachments, may contain information that is confidential, privileged, and/or protected from disclosure under state and federal laws. If you received this message in error or through inappropriate means, please reply to this message to notify the Sender that the message was received by you in error, and then permanently delete this message from all storage media, without forwarding or retaining a copy.

What the fuck. You people. I swear to God I would quit tomorrow if Starbucks' insurance didn't cover my IVF drugs. Frank, pass along your final okay on this by COB today, please.

I wish couples who desperately take every means to conceive a child would realize that adoption is a wonderful alternative. A child who becomes your child through adoption completes a family. Just as when you commit to your spouse or partner there are no biological ties, yet a family was formed. This child enters a family the same way! It is not blood and flesh that form a family, but the heart.