Cambridge, MA -- (June 21) --
The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office has approved the
patent on a technique for easily making machine-animal
hybrids, MIT president, Rebecca Kramer said today.

Kramer, who became president of MIT just yesterday
following the sudden, unexpected, synchronicitous deaths
of all 9 people ahead of her in line for the MIT
presidency, began her comments by telling reporters how
saddened she was over the sudden, unexpected,
synchronicitous deaths of the 9 people ahead of her in
line for the MIT presidency.

"They were all wonderful people," said Kramer, "and
everybody except the 9 people behind me in line for the
MIT presidency, will sorely miss them."

The technique patented by Kramer and her associates at
MIT, is based on, essentially, this, like, really big
blender-like thing.

"But instead of a big blade-like thing," said Kramer,
"the big blender-like thing just has a really big
hand-like thing inside. And, instead of spinning round
at variable high speeds, the big hand-like thing just
sorta waves."

According to Kramer, the hand waving, if done for a long
enough time, begins to blend the boundaries between
whatever living systems and mechanical ones have been
placed in the big blender-like thing.

Soon traits and features begin to commingle in ways and
for reasons nobody fully understands.

Hybrid Toyotas crossed with ants when placed back on the
road suddenly veer across median strips to join fellow
hybrid Toyotas in forming huge colonies which take over
vast parking lots and crawl all over your countertops
looking for gasoline and motor oil.

Volkswagens crossed with mosquitoes run on the human
blood they quickly, silently suck out of passersby on
the dark streets they drive down at 2am, in the rain.

"And whole species can be instantly extinguished," said
Kramer, "by simply crossing them with Edsels, or Divx
drives."

Apparently bees crossed with TV studios no longer live
together in hives, but now live miles apart,
broadcasting homebrew TV shows to each other all day
long, living off ad revenues instead of stored honey.

"New hybrids like these," said Kramer, "allow the
participating species and machines to bump-start whole
new trains of evolution which will hopefully, in turn,
bump-start whole new trains of evolution in other,
non-hybrid species which apparently, despite all the
fucking NOISE they make, are currently pretty much
fucking OVER.

Polling among humans revealed that 80% were pretty
sanguine about their total loss of species
dominance in the coming year, while only 10% were even
slightly bummed at the thought of living in a mass
culture totally determined by the quickly shifting whims
of hopped up roaches
with point-of-purchase terminals for brains.