Tuesday, August 30, 2011

So many things are changing here. I always wish, when change is imminent, that things would slow down so that I'd have time to proccess it.

I'm definitely one of those people who likes to take their time. I'm a cautious kind of gal. The type who watched, ponders & proccesses, and acts only after making a decision. I have no issue picturing the consequences of my actions, and those of others.

I'm currently doing research with Mr on their new chosen town, researching schools, Dr's, recreation opportunities, employment opportunities, PAC's. Lots of stuff to look at.It's inetersting, because I think this is the first time I've ever put so much effort into a move, and it's actually leaving me feeling very positive.

H goes into the dentist today for a consultation. Tomorrow he will go in, be put under (ugh, I HATE that) and then have four fillings/caps done. D is due for another check-up. Oi, so much to catch up on from the summer.

For now, I'm just enjoying the randomness my children inject into the day, and the laughter I often feel building up inside of myself.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

I'm exhausted. Not only physically, but emotionally and mentally as well.

It didn't take much...just another family member passing away, a family that's up in the air, moving my family, and a situation that required me to remove my family from home for about a week or so. I've been on the road, back home, cleaning & tidying, oraganizing what little we kept out of storage for the family, and spending (what feels like) an immense amount of time with my family.While the majority of the issues that were prioritized as first have now passed us by, we're still looking forward to a 50th Birthday Bash for my mummie, and back-to-school for the kids. During such time we'll be finding the home the boys had wanted and moving them in.

I've been tagging along with family here there and everywhere, and kind of feel like a third wheel, because I keep thinking to myself "I really wish I could just nap in a quiet room".

Our house A/C unit broke during the only warm spell we've had all summer, our house is overflowing with people, have been having plumbing issues due to some strange material being flushed that really has no place there, and are having issues keeping our fridge/pantry stocked because the kids keep rooting whenever they feel peckish.

We've attended a funeral (the kids did great BTW), visited beaches galore, 4x4-ed, hiked, swam, gamed all night, gone to bed early, watched movies til the wee hours of the morn, and ate our way through the Midnight Munchies.

I've seen hide nor hair of any of my friends since before my last post, because I've been consumed.

I got a new tattoo (a Spotted Eagle feather on my neck ---->)and I've upgraded my phone to a Blackberry (with a 3yr contract renewel *rolls eyes*). My old phone was 2 years old, and starting to act funny whenever I asked it to work for me.

I've been enjoying playing with the different features on it, and discovering what I've been missing out on (though I can't see much difference).

My kids are happy and romping round, bouncing from home tohome with the understanding that they're free to roam and play at will.

Stress always feels on the horizon, as I've been conversing a bit with Mr. It's difficult to put my feelings aside sometimes, to reach the issue at hand. It's difficult to hold on to what I've discovered about myself since I've left, and that scares me. I'm at risk of being swallowed whole and being lost without any way to find my way back.

I, quite honestly, have not been alone in a while. Well, that's a lite, I drove north to grab my Gramma for the funeral all by myself...

Friday, August 12, 2011

Made arrangements to come up and help Mr & boys move their way down to the Okanagan region, had to catch Greyhound up, and drive the truck back. Spent today loading up the moving truck, and cleaning the house behind them.

Wednesday a family member passed away somewhat unexpectedly. Am sad and disappointed. Full of thoughts of person and memories that I have.

My therapy session went very well this week, as I was full of positive, assertive thoughts of how my next few years are to be structured. from Parasailing to schooling to a possible move from to the Island for myself. Was interesting to see it all written down in a timeline frame and realize that my random thoughts really aren't so random after all.

I may not be perfect, I make mistakes, and can be silly, but I'm comfortable with who I am. Right now, in this moment, I'm comfortable with who I am. I'm quirky, honest, inquisitive, sensitive and genuine. I'm a listener, I'm generous, and I'm helpful. I like me right now. I'm not making excuses for my personality, or apologizing for saying the wrong thing, or blushing from embaressing myself as I so often feel the need to when I'm in Mr's presence.

I've come to the realization that I've been supressing the genuine aspect of my personality for so long that I've been making myself incredibly unhappy and angry because of it.

I'm not afraid to say what I want to say, I'm not ashamed of my thoughts, I like the way dress and the way I look, and I truly enjoy smiling.

So, tomorrow, we're driving back down, and today is the last day they are in Clearwater. I'm comfortable not going and saying good-bye to those that I believe are Mr's friends.

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Ok, I've finished Prison Break, and was disappointed by the end, but oh well.I've moved on to Red Dwarf, and am SO happy that there's something that I love available. I usually only watch it when PBS shows it on one of those money raising things.Smeg...just thinking of Smeg makes me giggle.I've been spending time at the beach, and am getting a crazy tan. I can't remember the last time I actually had a tan.I'm going up to Clearwater on Thursday, to help Mr & family move down to the Okanagan. It`s crazy complicated how it all worked out, but I`m hoping for a smooth transition for them.Ive given up the A&D person, as I said I didn`t care for his level of professionalism.Still attaempting to set up follow up appointments with other agencies...still getting a clsed door.Am thinking I need to apply for a passport soon...Forgot how sunny & hot it gets in Kelowna....

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

I've had my kids here for the last 5 days, and they'll be leaving in the a.m. I've had a fantastic time, and really got to enjoy all they had to offer me.

While I'm still in ups & downs and everywhere in between, I feel so much more balanced than i have in a long while, and am even able to see a small glimmer of hope.

While the events that landed me in the hospital last weekend are still with me, I know that I'll need to eventually sort them out, and am considering laying charges against the person/s responsible for putting me there.

It was a huge wake up call, and while it sucked surviving my way through it, I'm still here. For whatever reason...cause I've yet to figure it out.

I've gotten some sun on me this weekend, and have a slight tan...not that I really need one.

Have had two meetings with my therapist, who seems to really enjoy my company. Though I have to say that I don't care much for my A&D counsellor given the comment he made to me on our first meeting of "I'll bet you can get anything you want with that smile, can't you?" Kind of an assholish thing to say to someone in crisis if you ask me. I'm thinking I may not make a return trip to see him.

I'm glad I'm aware of my needs, and know where to go to ask for help, but am still a little frazzled that it's taken this long to get the help I asked for in the first place. I'll be looking to extend my EI through September, to avoid filing to Income Assistance a bit longer. I don't feel up to keeping a job, and am considering asking the Psychologist to writ eme up a note when I see him for our second appointment.

I'm texting like there's no tomorrow, and have been getting a lot of flack for being so connected to my phone, but int he past month alone it's managed to save my life at least once, if not more by keeping me connected with those that love me most, so I'm content to keep it glued to my hand.

Imagine me at 5am phoning to for an ambulance ride to the hopsital so I can come down & withdraw in a safe place, away from those would be able to give me access to the drug I was craving. My phone is always there for me.

Am contemplating taking some time up in Clearwater, to possibly sort through my belongings and purge what I can. The kids & Mr are moving again at mid month, and I'd like to make it easier on them by getting rid of what I really don't need.

An In-Law family member passed away last week as well. Kinda took a large spark with them, as I felt close kinship to them, and know that I will miss them dearly. I've been a part of that family for 10 years now, and I've come to understand that despite circumstances, I will cherish them all for as long as I live. The hardest part of knowing of this passing, was that a)I knew I would never get a hug from them ever again, and b)was not able to attend the funeral.

I guess I need to file for my passport to avoid this from happening again...and stock away for one such emergency.

About Me

Amber

I am a walking contradiction. I'm honest to a fault, but have learned to filter my thoughts to sting a little less. I'm growing at a glacial pace, and am inviting you to watch. It's about as much fun as watching paint dry, but at least you've got an invitation!