Man motivated by Theresa May to achieve strength and stability having catastrophic breakdown

A man who adopted Theresa May as his motivation and role model for attaining strength and stability has become afraid and desperate, he has admitted.

Today’s tip for strength and stability: Answer every question with a stock unrelated statement. Even when it makes you feel like this.

Ray Doyle has spent the weeks since the Prime Minister called a snap election emulating her in a bid to become strong and stable and is now too scared to leave his house.

My Doyle said: “I often get asked questions I don’t want to deal with, for example by my wife, children or boss, so I was inspired to see how Mrs May answers everything simply by saying something unrelated about strong and stable leadership, best deal for Britain and very clear.

“However, after a confident start, like her I now deliver the same lines looking like I’m dying inside.

“I tried staring at a picture of her and reciting the words ‘strong and stable’. I have to go now because the walls are closing in again.”

Mr Doyle’s colleague Will Bodie said: “He called a meeting and didn’t turn up, and when I texted him I got a reply saying ‘Too busy getting best deal, why aren’t you?’

“I found him in his office pressing the ‘escape’ key over and over again and crying.