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it’s shocking to see the outcome. devastating in fact. how did this happen? i guess for some reason i just thought it was all just a joke. like it wasn’t really real, so i didn’t have to pay attention… or fear. i’m sure that it won’t be as bad as we all imagine. that dump won’t be the worst president we’ve seen. that’s the most i can offer, “he won’t be the worst, probably.”

i keep trolling my feed on Facebook, and there’s no “YAY,” “WE DID IT,” or other racist/homophobic/misogynistic/etc. comments to be seen. all i can think is, how? who??? i must NOT be friends with these people that voted him in, and for that, i can say i’m proud.

let me watch red wedding for the first time into infinity rather than see this american bloodbath.

today is the day that we hug our commiserates, and give “i love you” relentlessly to those that understand our pain.

So… David Gest died. As a non-avid news reader and under participant in most social and almost all non-my-age-group performers, I had no idea who he is. He’s a former husband of Liza Minnelli. Probably loads of my friends knew that… Maybe.

anyway I was reading his bbc article and it turns out he had a tour ahead of him that was named “David Gest is not dead but alive with soul tour.” If that’s what it takes to get somewhere, then I’m naming MY next tour, “I’m not a millionaire and I never want a partner in life.”

Hang onto your hats, and wait for updates! I’m sure this magic we call life works like that.

Sidebar: RIP D. Gest. I may not know of you, but other people will surely miss you.

what do you do when you are sniffing your floor clothes trying to decipher whether they need washing and realise your nose is incredibly stuffed up from sickness? you can’t tell the difference between might need washing and definitely needs extreme heat and oodles of dryer sheets. the things you smelled two days ago but procrastinated to move to the laundry basket are definitely still dirty, right? the uncertainty you find yourself in is just from the codeine laced cough meds… right?!

do you:
A) put everything in the laundry
B) leave it until your schnoz is up to snuff
C) go by memory
D) burn them all and buy new clothes – who needs these problems anyway?

the rain in australia is a welcome occurrence. it’s been so hot for so long, just enveloping everything and everyone. most of the grass i see is scorched. i’m not sure how that came about in merely a week, but it’s likely i wasn’t paying attention. it’s heavy and pouring this morning. it’s very, very early. the raindrops beating down on rooftops, trees, sidewalks, and the rest of the city woke me up.

i look at my phone and see “+1(21…” my heart starts pounding hard. my eyes focus more eagerly then they should. is it from him? has this message finally manifested? check it now, before it disappears! the last few weeks, i’ve been plagued with remembrances and desire. dreams that will not come to fruition, both waking and in sleep. it feels heavy, like the humidity that surrounds my body each day, but for my head and my heart.

it’s not. it won’t. my phone just restarted in the night and decided to play nasty tricks on me by not showing names until i open it. i can tell by the 4th number, it’s someone else i love. i should be excited to hear from them, yet i’m stricken with insomnia and 100 more thoughts of him. they have no where to go. they float around me like the hot, sticky heat has encased me. i hope it rains again soon. we all need some relief.

i’m a sucker for words, so almost every day i find myself researching what different words mean. where did they come from, what do they actually break down into?

saudade describes a state of deep melancholy longing for things or people. it combines the elements of happiness and sadness. sadness that the thing or person is now a memory and happiness for having a feelings of joy to reflect on.

there’s a lot of this business happening in my mind recently yet intermittently. i started studying some online coursework for mindfulness, as this feeling, my saudade, rules too much of my life. the coursework tells you to feel completely, but also maintain an observer perspective. this helps you stay present. it’s tricky when the feeling you’re experiencing is one that draws your past to your present, but i’m hoping that with practice, the duration will shorten.

When I left Portland, I knew there would be some other little loves to work with and teach. I flew away from some of the best young men I’ve had the pleasure of working with towards a host of new clients and families I would get to help. Early intervention was not at all my forté, but did it have to be? Nope!

I met my client before his assessment even. He was an absolutely, beautiful, big-brown eyed boy with an unbelievably bigger grin. I fell in love immediately. I desperately wanted to work with him and told my sister so. I was with him at the assessment. We did his first Aba session together, and oh man, that boy hit the ground running. Though the first day had tears, it also held laughs and gorgeous smiles. For months now, I’ve been watching him acquire so much information and learning many skills. I can’t believe how much can change in that short a time. I’m so proud of him!!!

Life takes so many routes though, and our last session was today. It was such a beautiful way to end our therapy, spending the day together. I took the last moments to play with the little man, and fought back tears while he flashed me so many smiles. Some days you just wanted to stay rooted to where you sit, and I found it incredibly difficult to walk away from my little favorite and his family. I’m crying on the train! I knew it.

my friend, joy, is a musical expert. after listening to a playlist of hers, this song went to the top of my own list. musically, i tend to get stuck on songs in a severe way. thanks to technology, i get to replay them repetitively until i hate them. i wasn’t really sick of this song when i moved it from my continually played playlist to a less listened playlist. then last month… it made it’s way back into my head and needed a bump back to major leagues.

there’s something magical about walking and talking for me. walking is a motor movement. talking is a motor movement. i learned in a phonetics class that motor movements are easier for your brain when they are done in sync. talking about difficult subjects flows when i’m walking. it gives you the pace of ease as well. you could walk so much further then you could ever run. i can talk effortlessly longer while walking.

my sister and i spent the day together. we received a couples massage, ate breakfast out, attended a thai cooking class, and went to a going-away party. we walked a lot. and talked a whole lot more. it was splendid.

you think you’re fine. you think life will go on like normal. but it’s just a little, tiny bit different. you think this has happened before. you know you’ve felt it all before. because the same person has hurt you so many times. so this last time, the last feels like almost nothing at all.

a day passes, then a week, now it’s been a few, and you think, hey, we weren’t that close after all. what i felt must not have been that strong, maybe it wasn’t real at all…

and then you lay crying until you can’t breathe. who would be across from you? which now stranger would you feel as if no time has passed? that the love you shared can span years of unknown instead of minutes. that you don’t need words.

and then eventually, despite how good that moment feels, you have to let go all over again. you sit across from a new face. and you’re left only with the knowledge that the face came, and now it’s gone again.

my 30th birthday was so special. i hadn’t even intended it to be that way, like i didn’t and don’t necessarily care about my birthdays. and i don’t really have a problem with getting older by number. so, i think it makes it all the more special.

i was in a place i never expected to be. thailand. with my best friend, caitlin. thailand wasn’t a high priority on my list of places to travel, however my attitude is to get anywhere i can. caitlin told me that sydney was pretty undoable, and asked if i wanted to join her and megan in thailand. YES! absolutely.

on my birthday we had booked a tour for khao sok lake. it was truly magical. a long boat ride surrounded by limestone and sprawling green on a big, flat beautiful lake. a beer between happy friends. a hike with an unbeatable view. delish food that none of us had to separate to prepare. a swim in warm, deep water. new friends entertained us or us them. straw huts intended for not many people. laughs and a pancake “cake.” no trace of snow. this place promotes a closeness i think is rare these days. without internet – hardly use for phones. it was an amazing, awe-inspiring experience. i hope everyone has a birthday like that once and a while.