At my wit's end. I need some help or addvice PLZ!

Hello everyone,
I am at my wit's end about a friend of mine. She has been addicated to hydrocodine since 2001. I met her this past Oct and we hit it off like we were two misouled sister's that just found each other. She had her mother coming over to bring her 17 year old daughter over to visit from Austin (which is her mother has custody but, my friend tells me it's because there was nowhere here that her daughter could get the work she needed for the type of dental work her daughter needed) Later on I found out thru talking to my friend that her OWN mother threathed to call CPS on her and actually did. But, she says her mother does not have actual custody of her. That my friend just signed a piece a paper to give her right's over for medical care for her daughter. But, yet her daughter refuses to come home and her mother at any chance she gets with anyone family, friends, strangers finds anyway to put my friend down. I have had MANY MANY talks with my friend about her addiction to hydros (she even goes so far is to pay them from another friend of her's. And, sometimes they are not hydro's they are hydromorphine's which IMO should be worse right?) But, she tells me she is going to detox herself at home. But, yet makes up excuses as to why she needs them. The start of her being on them in 2001 was because of a car accident. She hurt her back badly and since, then has had 2 back surgeries. When her mother come to bring her daughter her this past nov ... i busted my *** for 3 freaking weeks to get her house clean. Because, she says she can't do anything like that anymore because of her back. The house was a TOTAL PIGSTYE! And, that is taking it midly. I'm trying to not make a novel here so if i skip parts i'm sorry. Well, my friend is also my 15 year old son's best friends mother. Which makes this EVEN HARDER! The two of them are VERY close. She aslo found out that i am on antidepresenants, anixety meds, and a sleeping pill. Which for me all started when i lost my very first child back in 94. But, i have just recently found a dr to finally listen to me and help me. Hes my god sent. But, one day i had my pill case all filled out for the week. Just finished it actually and that night it came up missing. I can't tell you how many pills were in that unless i actually sat down to think about it. But A LOT. The ONLY people in my house that night was me, my husband my two boys and her and her son and daughter, it was over thanksgiving holidays. I confronted her about it and told her if she would just tell me the truth we can move on and nothing else would be said about it. That i was here to help her and be her rock. She denied taking them. Even went with me to her house and let me search her daughters room. Finally, about a month later she confesses to me that she took them. But, ONLY after I found MY OWN PILL case hidden in her bathroom cabinet. Becasue, i was still cleaning her house. I then told her if she ever did that to me again she would be out of my life PERIOD!!!! Everything was going great for 3 months. Then I found out i had to have MAJOR surgery. Hytercotomy, bladder tack-up and rectocele all at the sametime. She NEVER once came to the hospital to see me. Well, knowing my past with her when she did finally come to see me at home i soooo hide my hydros hell i even lied to her and told her the dr put me on torodal. So, she would not go looking. Well, about 2 weeks after my surgery she was helping me cook dinner and she took off into my room saying she went for my cigs. Well, she was gone awhile so i went in to check on her and i caught her red-handed stealing my anxiety meds. Knowing i need them. More so now that i just had major surgery. I had already told her if she betrayed me once more she was gone! And, i meant it. I kicked her out of my house that night. Which was a week ago. It's been killing me that she did that. I mean i know she is SICK! People with addications are sick. But, she was my ROCK also. So, what I am asking is do i just keep ignoring her and let her make her own mistakes (which she has made MANY that i have not even put on here) or do I atleast write her a note telling her i was there for her and i love her but, until she gets help on her own i can't be there for her. To me it's turning my back on her. She already has told many times over that she only has me to depend on. Oh and her 76 year old cancer neighbor who only lives on SSI and she just uses her left and right for money. And, then her 17 year old daugher's boyfriend (which they are broken up now but, he still wants her back so, he comes over when he can to check on her) I am just all confused here and not sure what direction to go in. Any help would be appreciated.

I am sorry for all of your betrayal by someone who you think is your best friend. However, she is probably adding to all the anxiety that u already have. If she doesn't get help, it is going to be more dangerous for your mental health to keep so much vested in this friendship. It sounds to me like she is good at using people to get what she wants.

I would never tell u to ditch ur friend, but be honest and ask yourself is she as much a friend to you as u are her? You will never ever be able to help someone get detox unless they absolutely want to do it. And even then it is still hard. Trust me I know. I am physically dependent on pain meds and it is the hardest thing to do trying to get off them. I really want to and it doesn't sound like she does. She will cheat lie and steal (as you already know) to pay for or provide for her habit.

You could try to have a talk to her or just sort of slowly ease her out of your life or at least not have constant contact. I had a friend like the one you are describing and when she finally moved out of state, I didn't realize how emotionally draining being her friend was. Again I am sorry and I usually don't voice my opinion quite so strong so please forgive me for that. I just hate to see you be used.

The Following User Says Thank You to oxygirl For This Useful Post:
Txmommy70 (03-16-2011)

I am sorry for all of your betrayal by someone who you think is your best friend. However, she is probably adding to all the anxiety that u already have. If she doesn't get help, it is going to be more dangerous for your mental health to keep so much vested in this friendship. It sounds to me like she is good at using people to get what she wants.

I would never tell u to ditch ur friend, but be honest and ask yourself is she as much a friend to you as u are her? You will never ever be able to help someone get detox unless they absolutely want to do it. And even then it is still hard. Trust me I know. I am physically dependent on pain meds and it is the hardest thing to do trying to get off them. I really want to and it doesn't sound like she does. She will cheat lie and steal (as you already know) to pay for or provide for her habit.

You could try to have a talk to her or just sort of slowly ease her out of your life or at least not have constant contact. I had a friend like the one you are describing and when she finally moved out of state, I didn't realize how emotionally draining being her friend was. Again I am sorry and I usually don't voice my opinion quite so strong so please forgive me for that. I just hate to see you be used.

I thought i would get this same reaction. Because, unfortunatly it has ran thru my head SOOO many times and i just didnt want it to be true. I just wanted to send her a letter stating she is still loved and i didnt abondan her. I tried to help as much as i could. But, she wouldnt let me i guess. So, I guess now i just need to let her be and if i ever meant anything to her maybe one day she will come to me and let me know. It just really hurts!!!! Thank you again Oxygirl for you advice. Believe it or not it made me alittle bit stronger to keep on ignoring her. I hate it but, it needs to be done i guess. So, i should leave her alone and not even write her the letter then?

I honestly don't know how to answer that. I had another friend that when I moved I never called her back with a forwarding address or phone number. But let me tell you some things I have noticed about my life. Once I entered in my late 30s a few years back, I reassessed a few of my friendships and the ones that drained me I sort of got rid of. I know that sounds crude and mean and yes it is okay to be there for a friend in need but sometimes people take too much out of you. This one friend of mine kept me in such a state of mind that I noticed my children were suffereing as well as some other family members.

U have to put you and your family first. If she were seriously going to change then that would be different. How does ur husband react to all of this? Do yall fight over it? Do your children hear any of this? Ask yourself those questions and ask urself if she is making your life and mental state a train wreck. Sounds like she is a train wreck and you don't need that as well.

Good luck in whatever u decide. Also, think about finding ways to make new friends. A friendship should be mutually beneficial not just one sided.

Hello everyone,
I am at my wit's end about a friend of mine. She has been addicated to hydrocodine since 2001. I met her this past Oct and we hit it off like we were two misouled sister's that just found each other. She had her mother coming over to bring her 17 year old daughter over to visit from Austin (which is her mother has custody but, my friend tells me it's because there was nowhere here that her daughter could get the work she needed for the type of dental work her daughter needed) Later on I found out thru talking to my friend that her OWN mother threathed to call CPS on her and actually did. But, she says her mother does not have actual custody of her. That my friend just signed a piece a paper to give her right's over for medical care for her daughter. But, yet her daughter refuses to come home and her mother at any chance she gets with anyone family, friends, strangers finds anyway to put my friend down. I have had MANY MANY talks with my friend about her addiction to hydros (she even goes so far is to pay them from another friend of her's. And, sometimes they are not hydro's they are hydromorphine's which IMO should be worse right?) But, she tells me she is going to detox herself at home. But, yet makes up excuses as to why she needs them. The start of her being on them in 2001 was because of a car accident. She hurt her back badly and since, then has had 2 back surgeries. When her mother come to bring her daughter her this past nov ... i busted my *** for 3 freaking weeks to get her house clean. Because, she says she can't do anything like that anymore because of her back. The house was a TOTAL PIGSTYE! And, that is taking it midly. I'm trying to not make a novel here so if i skip parts i'm sorry. Well, my friend is also my 15 year old son's best friends mother. Which makes this EVEN HARDER! The two of them are VERY close. She aslo found out that i am on antidepresenants, anixety meds, and a sleeping pill. Which for me all started when i lost my very first child back in 94. But, i have just recently found a dr to finally listen to me and help me. Hes my god sent. But, one day i had my pill case all filled out for the week. Just finished it actually and that night it came up missing. I can't tell you how many pills were in that unless i actually sat down to think about it. But A LOT. The ONLY people in my house that night was me, my husband my two boys and her and her son and daughter, it was over thanksgiving holidays. I confronted her about it and told her if she would just tell me the truth we can move on and nothing else would be said about it. That i was here to help her and be her rock. She denied taking them. Even went with me to her house and let me search her daughters room. Finally, about a month later she confesses to me that she took them. But, ONLY after I found MY OWN PILL case hidden in her bathroom cabinet. Becasue, i was still cleaning her house. I then told her if she ever did that to me again she would be out of my life PERIOD!!!! Everything was going great for 3 months. Then I found out i had to have MAJOR surgery. Hytercotomy, bladder tack-up and rectocele all at the sametime. She NEVER once came to the hospital to see me. Well, knowing my past with her when she did finally come to see me at home i soooo hide my hydros hell i even lied to her and told her the dr put me on torodal. So, she would not go looking. Well, about 2 weeks after my surgery she was helping me cook dinner and she took off into my room saying she went for my cigs. Well, she was gone awhile so i went in to check on her and i caught her red-handed stealing my anxiety meds. Knowing i need them. More so now that i just had major surgery. I had already told her if she betrayed me once more she was gone! And, i meant it. I kicked her out of my house that night. Which was a week ago. It's been killing me that she did that. I mean i know she is SICK! People with addications are sick. But, she was my ROCK also. So, what I am asking is do i just keep ignoring her and let her make her own mistakes (which she has made MANY that i have not even put on here) or do I atleast write her a note telling her i was there for her and i love her but, until she gets help on her own i can't be there for her. To me it's turning my back on her. She already has told many times over that she only has me to depend on. Oh and her 76 year old cancer neighbor who only lives on SSI and she just uses her left and right for money. And, then her 17 year old daugher's boyfriend (which they are broken up now but, he still wants her back so, he comes over when he can to check on her) I am just all confused here and not sure what direction to go in. Any help would be appreciated.

Hi...I have had similar concerns with close people in my life and have learned that once I establish a concequence it is extremely important to follow though. My emotional health is important too. I cannot afford to take ownership of anyone elses mistakes. If you didn't stick with your words this person would take longer to hit there bottom and an opportunity to get well. Take care of yourself..it seems mean sometimes but you are the only one you have control of so be good to you.

I am sorry you are so very hurt, addicts have a huge tendency to do that. Know one thing, when these aweful things happen, it is not her, it is her addiction. Although she must take accountablility for it. Obviously there is no way you can rely on her to be your rock, and I would bet she wishes she could be. the good news is the addiction can be beat, its just going to have to be when she is ready, until then I wouldnt turn your back on her but know that you cant trust the evil twin (the addiction) in her. good luck to you and her you sound like a woman with a huge heart and together you should be able to figure out the best solution for her, WHEN SHE IS READY.

You've gotten alot of great advice here from many smart people. And believe me you are doing the right thing. I went through this same thing with my sister, and it almost killed me inside, but it had to be done. As far as writing her a letter I don't think it would hurt anything, just keep it simple and to the point. Don't give her "ammunition" to come back at you and start a major argument. Just "ignoring" her might just increase her thoughts of not being loved, cared for, etc. And although you are totally not responsible for her situation or her pain, there's no sense in adding to it.

The thing is, once you write the note and send it to her, stick to your guns. She'll probably do every trick in the book to try and weasel her way back into your life....don't buy it. Make it very clear, until she gets help and gets clean, you can't afford the cost of being her friend.

I really feel for you and know what it feels like to be slapped in the face by someone you thought was a true friend.. I have had many friends use me and treat me bad and where never there for me when i needed anything. also, i grew up with a schizophrenic mother, so the pain of wanting someone to be there for you like you are there for then, then their inability to do so still stings .. I would ask myself.. do I just keep turning the other cheek ???? Do I just let myself be a doormat to these people who are "users" ... I feel like the "right" thing to do or godly thing to do would be to turn the other cheek, but at the same time, WHY is it OK for me to allow myself to continuely be hurt and emotionaly abused by someone?? After YEARS of dealing with my mothers illness i realized schizophrenia is A LOT like a drug addict .. you have to realise that you are dealing with an illness and not the person that USED TO BE THERE!
I used to cry a lot when i was a teenager when i wanted mom, a regular mom like my friends had, a mom to talk to, shop with, bond with.. and i just didnt have that.
I realized as an adult now , that my mom is just NOT CAPABLE of being any different. She's not able to be the kind of mom she would be if she wasnt ill.. There is a level of compitance (sp?) and ability / mentally, that just is not there. And I realized that as much as i love my mom, as much as i love some of my friends .. it's still not ok for me to allow myself to be subjected to pain everyday. It's not ok for me to allow myself to be abused.. it affect me emotionally which in turn affected my marriage and my own ability to mother my own kids.
In my heart.. i DO TURN THE OTHER CHECK!!
I am not vengeful or wanting revenge or spiteful or bitter or angery at my mom anymore.. i forgive her completely! She's incapable of being any different so i have to STOP HOPING for a change that just isnt possible!
And i have to protect myself and my family for the pain having her in my life causes ... just move on..
That's my story anyway - it works for me