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12/31/2014

Greetings from your long lost friend. I can't believe it has been almost a year since I have last blogged. What I can say is, that for the first time in over 2 years, my life seems to be quieting down. Don't get me wrong, I loves me a little drama, but my life was getting ridiculous.

I'm not sure how to explain it, but I don't think soul searching is the correct term. I guess I've been having a think about how serious issues like death and major sickness have affected me. One thing is for sure: I'm not certain I am the same Catherine. It seems so damn sad to admit that and even more sad to actually write it.

I'm someone who knows myself pretty well. I'm especially proficient with what I consider to be my faults or "things I need to work on". I know that I have always been a bit of a pisser and unruly. It's part of my charm and what makes me uniquely me. It's a bit like a swift kick to my vulva for me to fear that I have lost some essential components of my personality. I can only describe it as feeling less me. I'm absolutely less care-free, and a lot of the creativity that rattled around in my head seems to have gone missing. I'm also a lot less prone to giving a shit about certain things. Case in point, this blog post.

Just like my best friend, I have always suffered fools poorly. It would be lovely to break it down and me just admit that I'm a bit of an entitled bitch. Although it may very well be the truth, nothing in life is ever that black and white. Speaking of black and white, let me just touch on the very sensitive topic of race, privilege, and politics.

First things first. Many of you know that my best friend is an extremely smart (2 Master Degrees), handsome (Have you seen his pictures), athletic (He's a track & field star), and highly cultured (He's been to Gibraltar, people. To be honest, I wasn't sure if Gibraltar was a real life or mythical place) black man. He never refers to himself as African American, because, in fact, he is neither of these things. If anything, he is Canadian/Caribbean. However, he does refer to himself as the black sheep of the family because he is actually several shades darker than anyone else in his family. He is quite cosmopolitan because he comes from Toronto and Trinidad and Tobago, but attended a posh, private boys prep school in England. Seriously you guys, you have to see people's reactions once he opens his mouth. He has the most unique accent I have ever heard. The thing I love most about him is that we are two ethnic individuals who almost never talk about race and politics. It's not that we can't be bothered, it's more that we habve so many other things to talk about.

If you have been a former regular reader of my blog then you already know a bit of my ethnic and socio-economic background. For lack of a better word, I am mixed race. My father, and his father were US born Japanese American, and my great grandfather was the first Toyooka to emigrate to the United States. Even though my father and his father were born in the United States, he was cruelly subjected to a dirty little American secret that is the Japanese American Internment. My dad and eight other family members were converted from Buddhist to Catholics (he still had his first Bible with the hand written note stating he was now a Catholic), and resided for several years in what was formerly a single horse stall in the internment camp in Minidoka, Idaho. So you want to know the weirdest thing about all this shizz? I only found out about this when I was in junior high school. I didn't even find out that one of my aunties was born in another internment camp until I was in college! It's no mistake that my great grandfather dying in the internment camp due to a lack of medical care had a huge impact on my father becoming a doctor.

To me he was just dad, but to many, he was regarded amongst the finest anesthesiologists in the country. Indulge me while I tell you a short, yet appropriate story. Granted, the North Shore of Chicago (Winnetka, IL to be exact) is not the largest of villages. Nevertheless I was surprised to find out that one of my very best friends had known of my dad via her father. Her father was, and still is a medical attorney. Apparently, my dad's work was well known enough amongst the medical malpractice world that they had approached him to be an expert on more than one occasion.

My point being, and I believe I do have one, is that my dad carried on with grace and dignity. Growing up I never heard him talk much about the internment camp, and he certainly wasn't political about it. Even though he was 100% Japanese American, I never, ever got the impression that his ethnicity had ever kept him from achieving both great financial and professional success.

I say I'm mixed race because my mom was American born and of mostly German decent. The story I tend to tell is this: my white friends think I look really Asian, and my Asian friends think I look really white. Regardless of what Asian ethnicity I look like--and I've gotten the whole gamut--you can't get around my last name. Toyooka is a fairly uncommon Japanese surname, but you don't have to be a genius to see it and know it's Asian.

So why am I talking about having a sexistential crisis?

Ok, I'll get to the point.

The reason I am bringing up this stuff about my ethnicity is that I often feel like casper the half-asian friendly sex educator when it comes to the sexuality community. Only instead of riding a broom, I ride a huge jet propelled dildo. True story--I once found myself dumbstruck sitting in the audience at a sexuality conference where a rather large and white appearing panel was discussing the topic of harnessing the power of social media (something I had thought I was pretty freaking savvy at). I could not believe my ears when the facilitator specifically mentioned that they had difficulty thinking of or even finding anyone in the sexuality community who was of color and could be added to the panel. Seriously?! All I could think to myself is "ain't that some shit!" Is it possible that I'm simply not "ethnic" enough?

Here's my deal; I've only recently come out of a deep and seemingly all consuming depression. No thanks to my former therapist, but that is a whole other blog post. It recently occurred to me that the people who stuck beside me during these horrendous years have not been my peers. I actually had a friend totally and completely bail on me at the exact time I needed them the most. That really did my head in. I mean, I expect that from people in high school, but not from full grown adults. Actually, let me take back that high school thing. Besides some obvious friends who live locally, the people who really, truly rallied behind me were those I grew up with. There is a strong, unique, and real bond that forms when you grow up with people during those formative years of junior high and high school.

I've always navigated a bit of a tenuous relationship with those in the sex educator community. In fact, the community is not unlike social cliques of yore. I'd like to believe that it is not done on purpose, but I can pretty much guess (with accuracy) who will be hanging out with who at these types of conferences. And talk about bullying! Geez, sometimes I find I have no desire to open my mouth for fear that I will have to listen to some forced political correct diatribe. It's a bit funny to me that there are people who claim to be all about inclusion and tolerance when they tend to be the same people who shame their peers into being politically correct. It's like Tim Gunn on some surreal project sex educator; you are either in or you're out!

Don't get me wrong, I am not without fault! Yes, I've made some incredibly bad mistakes in the past--one in particular--, but I slipped my big girl panties on and apologized as quickly as possible and with absolute sincerity. In some ways I feel like I have never regained my footing after my mistake, and that is a damn shame.

I've long felt that I never fully fit into the sex educator community. I'm not sure if my experience is unique, but it's mine, and has been formed over the course of about 12 years. While I like to think that I know my sex education shit pretty well, I often feel like I am a square peg being forced into a round hole (without the benefit of lube!) when it comes to my peers.

I've tried being friendly and helpful to those who contact me, I make amends to those I have wronged, and genuinely want to be accepted by my peers. While accepted might be a bit pie in the sky, I would settle for acknowledged.

I think where things began to go tits up for me goes back to the basics of economics and personal privacy. Do not underestimate how little sex educators get paid. In fact, it kind of reminds me of college stories of people trying to stretch their money by eating only ramen or rice, did clothing exchanges, and anything else to get by. This can be a source of something that bonds people together. There was a time in my life when I lived paycheck to paycheck and one check basically went to rent and the other check went to credit cards. I did not enjoy the experience. It sucked. However, there was a light at the end of the tunnel for me in the form of my husband graduating with a PhD in electrical engineering. His education allowed me to take more liberty with employment opportunities. There have been times when I haven't worked for years, times when I made over $70k, and times when I made a whopping $11/hour. Can you guess which of the above salaries belonged to my first job as a sex educator?

It's well known that people who choose this profession aren't in it for the money. Most of us start out paying out of pocket for training, taking non paid internships, or accept very low paying jobs. In fact, it is not uncommon for many people--those who have been working hard for many years--to find that they barely scrape by.

and just what am I supposed to do with all this?

Not paying a reasonable salary to people who have had years of training and/or education results in something I have seen time and time again. Conferences and speaking engagements can be costly endeavours. To attend a sexuality conference, you must pre-pay the conference fees (it is more if you are not a current member) and cover your travel expenses.

Let's break this down a little bit more.

Conference entrance fees (must be paid even if you are a speaker) = $75 - $350

Taxi to/from airport = $45 - $100

or

Rental car for 3 days = $200 with taxes and surcharges

Hotel room (usually people prefer to stay at the hotel hosting the conference) for 3 days = $400 - $600

Food for 3 days = $100

Even for the least amount of money, your are still paying over $600 out of pocket. To many educators, that can be an awfully large sum of money.

What many educators choose to do is pool their resources by sharing rooms with either one or several other people. It reminds me of a time when a half dozen college friends booked a single room in Las Vegas. Call me picky, but this has never been appealing nor a real option for me. I love my down time, and rooming with people gives me major anxiety. However, can you imagine the amount of bonding time I actually miss out on. I sometimes feel like I'm not even thought about being included in events because I'm not always around or hanging out with a group. Believe you me, it's something I've often thought about, but still can't bring myself to become one of the gang. Similarly, many sex educators choose to stay with friends whilst they are travelling for workshops. I find it lovely and amazing that others can be so welcoming to visiting speakers, but it's another situation I will never find myself in. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I find it difficult I will ever fit in because I haven't had many of the shared experiences of those in the sexuality community. Sometimes it seems like the only thing we have in common is that we are working in the sexuality profession.

I can feel that the time is getting close for me to make some kind of decision as far as what I should do with my company and being a sex educator in general. I'm dismayed with the realization that there has been little that I have missed by being away from the sexuality profession. But because I'm stubborn and don't want to "fail" it's hard to think about packing up my dildos and vibrators when I get truly amazing letters from people who have searched me down looking for coaching because one of their friends took my fellatio course and said that it "changed her life!". It's not at all uncommon for me to hear that people and their friends still talk about a workshop I gave over 2 or 3 or 4 years ago. I mean, come on, that blows my mind.

I'm fully aware that some people in the sex educator community might read this post and thing I am even a bigger bitch than they thought. I'm not looking for a debate. In fact, if you are looking to engage in one, please go elsewhere. And if you still want to throw down with me, all I can say is "suck it!"

PS Even though I talk about situations and people, I would never publicly call any individual out on anything

02/25/2013

For the past few years I have lovingly referred to myself as "The Susan Lucci of Harvard." Gays and gals, you probably already know what this means. Straight dudes, here's the deal. Susan Lucci has been on a daytime soap opera for more than 25 years. In fact, she had been nominated 17 times for the "Best Female Actress" role, but had always lost. She finally walked away with the daytime emmy award on her 17th nomination.

As a sexuality speaker, I have been contacted the last 4 or 5 years by the undergraduate school at Harvard University as a potential speaker for their annual sex week event. The way I understand it to work is that the committee sends out a half dozen invitations to educators who, for some reason or another, are on their radar. The committee meets and they make a final decision based on the experience of the speaker, the cost, and probably a lot more reasons I am not privy to.

I had come to peace with the fact that I would never get to be a sexuality speaker at Harvard. Although I am a kick ass presenter this is what I am not; political, close to the sex educator community, politically correct. Let's face it, I'm a mixed race female whose been with my husband for over 21 years, and work is something I love to do much more than need to do.

So color me surprised as shit when I was cordially invited to speak for the Harvard University Graduate School or Arts & Sciences. I'll also be meeting with the fabulous students at the Graduate School for Public Health, so that is just a wonderful added bonus. Probably the thing I am most excited about is the fact that I have been asked to speak to students who identify as people of color. In the past, I've made mention to the fact that, in over 10 years of being in the sexuality field, It's become abundantly clear to me that there are precious few speakers who appear to be of color.

Here is the flyer the organizer put together to announce my speaking event:

Even in today’s world of high-powered business women, policy makers and educators, women of all ages and backgrounds continue to struggle with positive self-image and self love. This workshop, led by sexuality specialist Catherine Toyooka, is designed to encourage women to pose questions about their body to a sex expert, become more comfortable with the idea of self pleasure and gain confidence about ways to love ourselves both in healthy partnerships and as single women. Events are LGBTQI friendly and always high energy, interactive, educational, and entertaining.

Catherine leads discussions with ice breakers, affirmations and lots of laughter. She stresses the importance of confidentiality and can answer endless questions about sexual health and STIs, how to combat body shame, tips for self pleasure and advice on how to improve intimacy in relationships. Thorough, patient, thought-provoking and humorous, Catherine’s workshops provide an excellent introduction to the world of our own sexuality.

Friday, March 1st

from 2-4pm at the

Harvard College Women's Center, Canaday "B" Basement

in Harvard Yard

I met the amazing woman responsible for bringing me to Harvard several years ago. It blows my mind that it was literally one interaction that happened about 4 years ago that was the impetus of a wonderful and supportive friendship.

I'm sad that my BFF is not able to accompany me to the presentations. Harvard had been breathing down his smart and sexy neck as they were trying to court him into their Doctorate of Public Health program. It's funny, but I immediately thought of him when I knew the speaking engagement was a go. Somehow, I think I am better when he is around me.

It's also makes me really sad that both my parents aren't alive to see their baby speak at Harvard. It's truly amazing how some achievements can be so bittersweet.

I've got lots of packing to do, and I don't want to forget anything behind, so I'm going to wrap up this blog post.

09/17/2012

If you had told me that I was going to amass a shitload of sex toys when I started my career 10 years ago, I would have pretty much thought you were bananas.

Over the years my second bedroom has become an office, and it is basically where I keep all my sex educator/coach loot. I do have a bit of an OCD tendency, which you will most likely see for yourself when I post my pictures. I've not always been this organized! It took me a long time to figure out a system that worked for me.

My office has several bookcases, and the largest one is pretty much filled to the brim with sex toys, books, and various other resources. Initially, my most prized sex educator possessions were my training resource books and manuals. These are still priceless to me, and are the foundation of all my work. Granted, the resources that were super helpful in 2002 are not also as relevant in 2012, but I still like to hold on to them.

TOP SHELF:

These are the books that I use as reference the most. I have more then are actually shown...they just happen to be in my living room right now as I am working on a specific project.

I also keep my most favorite, expensive, and visually stimulating sex toys on this shelf. Seriously, I can't even imagine how much this single shelf is worth in terms of "actual retail price".

You can also spot my trio of mini vulva puppets that I've lovingly named "Khloe", "Kim", and "Kourtney" at the very top.

2ND SHELF:

This shelf also contains some general reference books as well as ones that are more topic specific.

The books on this shelf are really a hodge-podge of various topics. There isn't necessarily any order to them, just that they all relate to sex and sexuality.

The toys on this shelf as also varied. I have my aneros prostate stimulators as well as a non-penetrative prostate massager that looks like a cradle, a few well known vibrators and my larger dildos.

BOTTOM SHELF:

These are where my beloved training resource binders reside. I still refer to them, and they will always have a special place in my sex educator heart. I also have some training resources that are made specifically for sex educators to help facilitate discussions on sex, sexuality, gender, etc.

I have only a few sex toys are on this shelf and this makes for easier access.

Here is where I keep all my overflow sex toys.

I have so many saran wrapped dildos because these are what I bring as demos for my Fellatio Workshop.

09/04/2012

I, for one, believe there are far too few of us out there. I am very sincere in saying this.

I'm proud to say that I've been a sex educator working in the San Francisco Bay Area for 10 years! This is by far the longest career I've ever had, and I couldn't be happier about my choice of vocation.

I'm not here to say that I am the best sex educator out there right now. There will ALWAYS be others in the field who are more in demand, get paid more, have more impressive credentials, etc.. Realizing this little tidbit (sooner rather than later) is actually a really good thing.

Believe it or not, just being able to talk openly about sex and sexuality does not a sex educator make. Think about it this way--being able to argue a great point doesn't necessarily make you a lawyer. Not everyone is going to agree with my suggestions for breaking into the field, and that is totally ok. My foray into sex education was pretty unique. I can only offer suggestions and talk from my personal experience.

When I first decided that I wanted to pursue a career in sex education, I began with an exhaustive google search. Being close to the city of San Francisco totally worked in my benefit. From what I could tell, there were plenty of people doing the type of work I desired.

When it came down to figuring out what trainings to take it became apparent that I could choose one of two areas: Reproductive Health (i.e. Planned Parenthood) or Community Health Outreach. I'm not knocking those who work at Planned Parenthood. It wasn't the path I saw myself taken--besides the fact that they were not interested in me. I'm not proud to say this, but, I was never even able to get an interview. So, when it comes to Planned Parenthood, I am not a great resource.

In 2002 I found out that sex educators were referred to as "community health workers." The name of the game was also HIV/AIDS. It's where the funding was and where I needed to be. When you boil everything down, outreach workers are basically roaming sex educators.

But how does one become a sex educator?

Again, there is no single route, so I will put a few out there for you to consider.

If you are currently enrolled in college, it might be easier than you think!

Take courses in Anthropology, Sociology, Sexuality, and/or Public Health

Check to see what your institution offers as far as student health services--they might just have a sexual health component that is peer driven or run. This is probably your best introduction for working in the field of sexual health

If you particular institution is lacking in offering the above coursework, you might want to consider the option of finding a professor who will supervise a independent study. I did this when there were no courses available in criminal justice.

For those of you who are not university students, here are a few suggestions.

Read as much as you can!

I have an entire book case filled with resource books on human sexuality. I wouldn't so much bother with academic books used for human sexuality classes. Besides being super expensive, there are better books out there. Look for good, comprehensive books on sex and sexuality. Amazon has a shit load of books for sale, so look for ones that are highest rated. Alternatively, check out the book section of your local popular sex toy retailer (either in the store or online). By going to the well known and reputable sex toy retailers or websites, you are pretty much guaranteed to purchase the best books out there.

Research and contact your local community health clinics.

These clinics are mostly around for people who have no insurance, are not super trusting of physicians, or rarely have access to good medical information. Many of these clinics specialize in HIV/STI testing and it is often a free service or people pay what they can afford. Check to see if they need volunteers or interns...they almost always will, but it will be unpaid.

See if you can speak to the Program Director for volunteers of the Program Director for health workers. If you get access to this person (email or a phone numbers are great things to know!) ask them where their staff receives their training. Get specifics about this. In some cases it might very well be a state-run training center. Get as much information as you can get without being a pain in the ass. I'm serious about the pain in the ass thing--sometimes health clinics or community providers need to "sponsor" your training, so don't piss off the person who could be your potential supervisor.

When I went through my HIV tester training, I was sponsored by API Wellness in San Francisco. They got me into the free training in return for me volunteering weekly as an HIV tester. Each week and for a few hours I spent time in their HIV testing clinic. The API testing clinic is a free service to the community. Of course, my time was unpaid and I was chaperoned by more experienced HIV testers.

Consider becoming an HIV tester even if you aren't totally jazzed on the idea. You get actionable training that teaches you about diverse sexual activity, sexual risk, and how to talk to almost anyone about their sex life. I would only avoid this training if you are afraid of needles, as many of the newer HIV testing protocols require a Phlebotomy's (drawing small blood samples) certification as well.

Different community health clinics serve a wide range of demographics in San Francisco. Here, you will find health clinics that specialize in diverse populations like sex workers, women, transgender, gay, youth, youth who live on the street, Hispanic, African/Black, Asian, Native American, and other communities. Think of every possibility when making a list of the community clinics in or around your area.

Consider contacting your local or semi local sex clubs.

Most cities have them, although they might be harder to find. You can try doing a google search, and don't forget to search the term "swingers" and "BDSM". Many sex clubs have affiliations with local community clinics. This means they community organization will provide on site HIV/STI testing as well as distributing free condoms and lube. I would suggest looking at their websites and seeing if they have a tab for resources. You might be able to get the information for who does the outreach, and then you know who to contact. You can always try to call or email them if they have their contact information on the site. If you happen to live in the area, you could also consider dropping by or making an appointment with the manager.

It stands for the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. You can become a member if you are so inclined. It has a pretty extensive resources area where you can get more information about the organization, how to become certified as a sex educator, and much more.

**FYI, I'm not AASECT certified, and I honestly don't believe it has hindered my particular professional development. It might be something to strongly consider if you happen to live in an area that is not so sex educator friendly.**

Check out your local non-seedy sex toy retail store and see if they are hiring.

Also, google it to see if there are any stores you might have missed or don't know about. Non-seedy sex toy retailers like Good Vibrations put an emphasis on education. All of their employees go through a mandatory (yet totally fun) training that focuses on how to best direct customers to the right sex toy, lube, erotica, pornography, etc.. If they are currently not hiring, try to find out who is the education manager. If you are persistent enough and polite then they will most likely have a resource or two for you.

Check out other the blogs and websites of other sex educators.

Many sex educators have what I call a "so you want to be a sex educator" post. Do not overlook these! They are rich in information and resources. Don't be shy about contacting those sex educators you most relate to. If you happen to live close to your favorite sex educator there is no harm in offering to buy them coffee or lunch. However, I absolutely caution you against having high expectations. Almost every sex educator I know is up to their eye balls with work. Emails are a huge time zap. If you don't get much traction with an email then try to connect with them on social media. It is pretty easy to build an organic relationship through Twitter & Facebook.

Consider what type of sex educator you want to be.

Sex educators comes in many forms. Some work in sex toy retail stores, some work on HIV/AIDS hotlines, some work with a specific demographic, etc.. It became clear to me after doing my research that my best bet in becoming a sex educator was to work in the HIV/AIDS community. Remember, I followed the funding.

When I became a professional sex educator I found out that I was going to be working with individuals in one on one settings as well as groups of people. The funny thing about being a sex educator is that it is plausible to find yourself talking to individuals in a one on one setting one day while finding yourself on stage and talking to hundreds of people the next day. While it is a wonderful quality to have, not all sex educators have to be public speakers.

If you plan on working within the public school system, then expect that you will not be doing a whole lot of sex educating. In order for me (and the agency I worked for) to be "school appropriate", I was required to take a workshop sponsored by the San Francisco school district. It was kinda lumped into information on nutrition and exercise. Most public schools require a parent's signature allowing their child to attend workshops/presentations covering human sexuality.

Because all of this can be somewhat overwhelming, it might be easier to figure out your preferred demographic and then work backwards.

Be wary of programs that require you to pay them money in order to become certified in sex education.

Like I mentioned above, most HIV/STI training is free to people associated with any agency that funds this type of work. This is not something that can be purchased, you need to actually go through the training. AASECT members pay yearly dues to be associated with them, but you can not buy yourself the title of "AASECT certified sex educator". The process of becoming one is exhaustive to say the least.

If you want to become a professional sex educator then there is no way of getting around having to attend some sort of trainings or workshops on human sexuality. One organization named SFSI is well known for fostering new sex educators. SFSI (San Francisco Sex Information) offers training in comprehensive sexuality education. I'm an alum (2002). SFSI offers this unique training twice a year. The training happens on the weekend (both Saturday and Sunday), and lasts about 3 months. For what you get, the cost is pretty nominal. I think it is somewhere between $150 - $250 for the full training cycle.

I know of no other program where you can pay money to become a sex educator. I would strongly caution anyone against a program that claims they certify sex educators. Seriously, even if they do "certify" you, consider that it is totally possible that the only organization that recognizes such certification is their own!

My first sex educator training was life changing, but it was also very intense and rigorous. It lasted all day long and for 2 full weeks. Because I was not currently working in a non profit organization (or anywhere else), I was required to pay out of pocket. By the end of the training, I was still unemployed but was now certified as a Community Health Outreach Worker (CHOW) in the state of California. Me saying that I really wanted to attend this training is an understatement! Once I found out about it, I was totally there. The fact that this training even existed was not easy to come by. I practically had to stalk someone who was currently working as an outreach worker to get the connection. Once I knew about the training, I was determined to make it happen. Happily, it was a wonderful way for me to meet people that I ended up working with (directly and indirectly) in the future.

Here's the deal--theoretically, anyone can call themselves a sex educator.

I'm not sure if I have properly described how complex it was for me to track down who trains sex educators in the San Francisco Bay Area. It was also made more difficult because sex educators are mostly referred to as community health outreach workers. Even after I got the connection, I had to wait until the next cycle of training. I'm sad to say that the non profit agency that held the contract for certifying outreach workers in the State of California is no longer in existence.

Think about how becoming a sex educator will impact your life.

When it comes to sex educators, people have all sorts of ideas about what we do. Some think we are sex workers, some think we have sex in front of them, some think we get naked, etc..

It's funny that people don't usually make these types of assumptions if you replace the word "health" with the word "sex." Some sex educators are really fortunate in that their partner(s) and family support their work. From what I have seen, this is pretty rare. Most of the times the topic of sex and sexuality makes people so patently uncomfortable that they can't wrap their head around what we do.

Also, in case I haven't made this perfectly clear, do not expect a big ole payday if you wish to become a sex educator. Many of my suggestions are for unpaid internships or volunteer work. Sex educators who work for community health clinics or HIV/STI non profits rarely make more than $14 to $20 per hour.

My first job as a professional sex educator included a round trip commute of 90 miles, working only 20 hours a week, and making $11/hour. Even sex educators who are pretty well known generally aren't rolling in money. It takes years to build up a reputation, and people generally aren't wanting to pay you a lot (if anything) for the information you have amassed.

Oh yeah, expect that others are going to be very curious about your own sex life and sexuality. Essentially, there is no right or wrong way of dealing with this. You can contribute as much or as little information as you wish when people ask you about your sex life. And trust me, you will get asked!

As far as I'm concerned, one of the most important qualities of being a kick ass sex educator is being sex positive. Almost everyone has their own definition of what it means. I see it as being curious, open, and able to acknowledge that sexuality is an entire spectrum. It's important that people don't walk away feeling as if you have judged them and what type of sex they have. This means that you need to be able to (and with ease) talk openly about sexual activity that you are not personally into.

Even though this is a wicked long blog post, know that I am not perfect and probably have left out some key points. I will update this post as other stuff comes to my attention.

Wishing you the very best of luck!

You can also access this information under my blog "pages" on the far left column.

08/17/2012

Do you like my blog Sex Spoken Here and find it entertaining/educational? Now is your chance to vote for moi as a top Sex Superhero for Kinkly's annual list. Voting is only open for a week (10/7/15), so please do me a solid and visit this link https://www.kinkly.com/top-sex-bloggers/sex-spoken-here-secrets-of-a-sexuality-educator and click on "vote". You can vote for all your favorite bloggers, too! https://www.kinkly.com/top-sex-bloggers This site is safe for work, and I believe you can vote as much as you wish. Thanks!!!

Followers of my blog are aware of my deep fixation with all things anal. Yes, it is a bit odd, and this is particularly true because I'm personally not the biggest fan of receiving anal sex. I've said it before and I'll say it again--I like the idea of anal much more than the reality of anal.

In any event, I could not let the month of August pass (after all, it is anal health & sex month) without dedicating at least one blog post to a topic I am known for going on and on and on about (starting to get the picture?)

The anus is the lower end of the rectum where bodily waste exits the body. It is controlled by 2 sphincters that often work in opposition of one another. Most people have pretty good control over the lower sphincter--fyi, I'm squeezing mine right now. It's the inner sphincter that has a tendency to go rogue on people. This is the single most important reason to never, ever, ever, ever, stick something up your ass that doesn't have a base or a flange.

Remember that the anus is a hungry orifice (think about the board game Hungry Hungry Hippo), and it can also be greedy. It is completely possible for items to get lost in your body--this is often the time in which you hear the term "foreign rectal object removal".

Now that we can agree that one shouldn't stick various household supplies or even sex toys that aren't intended for anal use up their bum, let's move on to what other things my anus does not need.

Anal bleaching:

Ahhh, good ole anal bleaching. I almost certain you have heard about it before. Is it due due to more people shaving their entire genital region? It is because more and more mainstream pornography contain anal sex scenes? My humble opinion is that the phenomenon of anal bleaching is due party to what I mentioned above and partly due to genital shame.

Coloring of and around the anus has almost nothing to do with cleanliness. Hormones, ethnicity, and age can affect the melasma (pigmentation) on our body. Think of it as being similar to age spots on the hands, only these are on and around your anus. People of all ethnicity have been using whitening or skin bleaching creams for decades. The most common of bleaching ingredients is something called Hydroquinone. It's effective, but researchers have long stated that frequent use can cause some serious side effects including cancer, liver, kidney, and mercury poisoning. Ok, now that I mentioned mercury poisoning, I'm automatically thinking about the douchey actor Jeremy Pivens who left a stint on Broadway early claiming he had mercury poisoning.

But I digress.

There are all sorts of anal bleaching kits you can purchase off the internet. Also, many day/medical spas have begun to offer genital bleaching. If you ask me, none of this is particularly good news.

Anal bleaching, even when using products that are less harmful or potent than Hydroquinone, is NOT a trend I can get behind. At the very least you may end up with a painful, irritated, and inflamed anus. At the worst, you could end up with cancer. I've heard some people claim you can get something called anal or rectal prolapse from using anal bleaching products, but I haven't been able to find research findings to verify it.

Anal stretching:

This is something I have only found out about very recently. Ok, you know those people you see who have made body modifications by enlarging the lobes of their ears? Yeah, that is pretty much the same idea behind anal stretching.

There is a whole online community of people who are into anal stretching. There is also a popular porn genre that pretty much involves extreme anal stretching or gaping. For those who are interested in this, you can also purchase dilator sets to better help train your anus into a larger orifice. While I'm not personally into anal stretching, I would highly recommend checking out some of the online communities before you embark on an anal dilation adventure. Remember that the anus is controlled quite nicely by 2 sphincters (the outer sphincter and one deeper inside the rectum). Repeated anal stretching can result in bad things.

What do I mean by that?

Anal (rectal) prolapse is at the top of the list. Some people find that they have caused permanent damage to their outer sphincter which can result in having a floppy anus and the wearing of adult diapers.

Numbing creams:

You've probably heard about the product anal-ese. For those who are new to anal-ese, it is a lubricating cream that helps desensitize the anal area during anal penetration. Proponents of it say it helps make anal sex more pleasurable and pain-free. Anal-ese isn't the only game in town. There are lots of other numbing creams, sprays, and ointments on the market that are specifically targeted for anal sex.

My issue with numbing creams is this--rectal tissue is highly sensitive and is prone to tearing. Numbing that area can delay pain signals that alert you to possible injury. And yes, it is completely possible to engage in anal sex that results in some significant damage to your anus, rectum, and sphincter.

Anal play can be incredibly hot and erotic when done in a way that is safe, consensual, fun, and informed. Many people consider their anus to be an "exit only" orifice, while others look forward to engaging in anal play with anticipation and zeal.

07/31/2012

Some of you know that I presented my favorite workshop (yep, it's on fellatio) for The Pleasure Chest in Los Angeles. I was told that this is their most requested and most attended of all their workshops. In fact, it is such a popular topic that The Pleasure Chest tends to offer it on a monthly basis.

Now, I'm a pretty confident gal. The fact that I have never presented for The Pleasure Chest before coupled with the fact that my website comes up first when you google the phrase "fellatio workshop" resulted in me being more than a bit nervous. I figured that even if I bombed at least I know I am entertaining to watch.

The workshop went incredibly well. People were engaged and listening, and several participants even brought their own cucumber (something I encouraged) to practice on. I have about 30 demo dildos, but there were about 80 people in attendance. It also helped calm me down when I looked into the audience and saw that one of my friends was able to make it. Thank you Hercules! By the way, he was a fantastic assistant!

When you become a sexuality speaker, you tend to become limited in what you offer to the masses. Simply put, a lot of my friends and colleagues offer fellatio workshops. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I have anything new, different, or exciting to add to the mix.

That is why I was sincerely shocked and delighted to get the following email from a guy whose significant other (female) attended the workshop.

Hi Catherine,

I just wanted to say thanks from afar, for your fellatio class that you gave a few weeks back @ The Pleasure Chest in LA. Wow. Some eye-popping new sensations, thanks to what she learned in class. At one point, I simply had to ask her to stop as I was in stimulation overload. Awesome! Thank again!

My heart danced after I read this! I have always known that I give what I call "world class fellatio". It makes me so happy to know that there are other people out there who learn what I have presented and then enthusiastically incorporate it into their sexual lives.

Not bad for a day at the office!

P.S. I am looking to get more testimonials from this particular workshop. You can make them anonymous, but I would like to eventually add them to my website testimonials. If you attended the workshop, liked what I did, and are open to putting pen to paper, please send me an email to catherine@catherinecoaches.com.

Join us as we tackle the biggest myths surrounding oral sex, and discuss how to overcome all the hang ups that keep us from truly enjoying the experience. This workshop comes chock-full with tons of educational information covering male pleasure, anatomy and much, much more. You’ll also learn Ms. Toyooka’s 3 top techniques for making your partner moan with pleasure. This fun, interactive workshop is open to everyone. Bring your own cucumber to practice on if you like.

I'm bring a shit load of dildos, flavored condoms, and strap on harnesses so we can practice in small groups. I don't have nearly enough dildos to go around, so I suggest you bring your own cucumber or zucchini to practice on (and yes, you can even name it!)

Can't wait to see you this Wednesday night so we can suck it together!

06/29/2012

So I have to admit that my work on my sex glossary has come to a slow crawl--yeah, it's not going so great.

A few weeks ago I was delighted that someone found my glossary and asked me to help contribute some sex terms they were together for the website iVillage.com. I didn't know this, but apparently iVillage is the women's site for NBC. Kate was super sweet and buttered me up by saying she found my sex glossary to be "hilarious & fascinating to read!" And just for the record, this is my preferred way of being approached.

I'm going be working like a bunny for the next few weeks on finishing off my glossary. My plan is to get it done by the time I go on vacation the end of August. Don't worry, I'll be back to my regularly blogging soon enough.

Also, let me know if you have specific words you would like to see defined in my sex glossary.

04/26/2012

I was recently contacted by a "fact checker" at one of the most well known magazines in the country. I was surprised for three reasons--1) I've usually only been approached by on-line magazines, 2) the fact finding questions were collectively a hot mess, 3) the magazine said they have their own on-staff sex expert so asking for fact checking was just, well, weird.

Since I'm pretty sure my name will not be associated with the story, I'm going to let you in on the type of questions I got. Side note--fact checkers are most likely NOT going to give you credit for the information you provide or a lovely link back to your website.

These are the exact questions (remember, they have an in-house sex expert):

What physiological effect does a cock ring have on male genitalia & what does that impact look like?

What generic exercises (not Kiegel) (spelling) could benefit a couple's sex life & would core workouts work well?

Do women generally prefer high or low voices re: dirty talk? (This is admittedly very subjective but given your experience, have you noticed a preference?)

How does a prostate massager work? Would it be accurate to say that it would make the male member larger during use?

My answers:

Cock rings are really fun and meant to temporarily inhibit the flow of blood out of the penis. This is a great choice for men who are dealing with erectile dysfuction or who are older in age. Blood flow in general decreases as we age. For new cock ringers, I suggest using a ring that is adjustable and quickly removed and then only using it for about 20 minutes. Cock rings don't make your cock bigger, they are meant to temporarily provide harder erections. Some men like using them in front of their testicles and some prefer to place the ring behind the testicles. It is really up to the user. Using lube is great when putting on a cock rings because it decreases the chance that your skin will chafe.

Hmm, hard question for me to answer as I'm not a personal trainer and horribly out of shape.

Women tend to talk dirty when engaging in sexual activity more than men. Women, and this is especially true during the time in their cycle that they ovulate, are more drawn to men with lower voices. It depends on each person individually, but I suspect many women prefer a deeper voice (this is partictularly true from an evolution stand point) over a man with a high voice.

Prostate massagers, most of the time, are used internally. They are a very specific sub group of sex toys that are usually found in the butt plug or anal toy section of sex toy stores and websites. Prostate massagers are curved in a way to maximize stimulation of the prostate. In fact, some men can ejaculate from prostate stimulation alone--meaning the penis need not be stimulated, stroked, or caressed. Prostate stimulation is great for your health and men who engage in more prostate play are less prone to prostate cancer. It is common for the blood flow into the penis to be temporarily diverted to the anus. This is when it's common for a man to lose his erection. When the person realizes what is happening and that something is in their butt, the blood flow usually returns to the penis. I've not heard of prostate massagers making the penis harder--if that were the case, a lot more men would participate in prostatic sexual play.

04/23/2012

I've kind of had this notion floating around in my head for a while now. Because I grew up close to Chicago, I have a love of comedy thanks to Second City. In fact, on of my favorite things to do is to watch live comedy shows. Comedy Central used to have much more stand up programs, and now it seems like they are few and far between.

Because I have such affection for stand up comedy, I'm posting some personal photos I've been lucky enough to snag! Their names in order are Guy Branum, John Caparulo, and Chris Hardwick.

It may not seem like the 2 are remotely similar, but allow me to explain.

Before I get into it, remember that this is merely my personal experience and general impression of the sex educator community. My involvement in the community is far from normal, and I am not intending to speak for anyone else.

My experience as a sex educator and speaker has many parallels to stand up comics because much of our success is dependent upon our audience.

Even though all of my workshops are custom tailored to what the organizer requests, I tend to utilize a lot of the same material. For this particular workshop I talk pretty extensively about pleasure anatomy and how sex toys can be used to enhance solo or partnered sex.

It is not uncommon for me to present this particular workshop on any given Tuesday and basically nail it. The audience is highly engaged, acts appropriately, and many participants hang around after my presentation to talk with me. I can give almost the exact same workshop (and many times for the same organization) a few days later and personally feel like I sucked as a sex educator. Keep in mind that I am talking about the exact same concepts, bring the exact same sex toys, and structure my presentation the exact same way as the one a few days prior. What makes me feel like a failure or that I bombed that workshop is a total lack of audience participation, participants shouting out really inappropriate things while I'm presenting, and basically asking me questions about my personal sexual life that fall into the "douche bag" category. Examples of this would be: "You much have a huge vagina don't you?!" or "Man, you really like to talk about sex, you must be pretty slutty."

I've been presenting sexuality workshops for almost 10 years. This sort of thing doesn't happen all that often...seriously, thank god for that...but when it does, it has made me question and basically ruminate over what I did wrong.

Here is what I have come to understand about being a sexuality speaker:

You are NEVER going to make every single participant and organizer happy. The most I can attempt is getting the majority of the audience on board. Most of the time I tend to have more than a few very active and participatory audience members who are absolutely interested in what I have to say.

I have to surrender to the reality that not all my workshops are going to be home runs. I might be feeling under the weather, I might have forgotten particular sex toys or part of my agenda at home, the room might be less than optimal, some participants may fall asleep, etc.

My goal is that participants either remember or learn only 1 new thing after attending my presentation. While I would love to have participants remember a whole lot more, I know that I tend to provide A LOT of information in a short amount of time. If they only remember one of my sayings like "the anus is a hungry orifice (think of the game hungry hungry hippo)", "orgasm and ejaculation are not the same thing", "lube is your friend", "women and men have the same amount of erectile tissue", or "if you stick something up your butt that doesn't have a base or a flange, and it passes the point of no return, no amount of wishing, praying, or straining is going to make it come back down--this is time for a visit to the ER"

I don't need to re-work my entire presentation if one workshop happens to fall flat. My content is solid, good, and accurate. I've either mis-judged the audience, spoke to an audience that was expecting something different, or simply presented in front of an audience that is non participatory.

It's also my experience that the sex educator (much like the stand up comic) community is difficult to navigate.

Like comics, some sex educators are worried that others will use (which is really just a euphemism for steal) their content

Like comics, some sex educators are jealous or envious of what others have going on

Like comics, some sex educators question why certain people who are new to the scene have found success without necessarily "paying their dues"

Like comics, some sex educators travel very far and often on their own dime to get work

Like comics, many sex educators get paid a ridiculously low salary

Like some comics, some sex educators are great in front of a crowd, but are actually very shy and find it more difficult to connect with people on a one on one basis

Again, what I have written above is directly related to my experiences. I do not wish to speak for anyone else. It is completely possible that someone reading this will think I'm full of shit because they have had a much different experience.

My final parallel between comics and sex educators is this: We are both doing work because we wish to bring more laughter, pleasure, and fun into peoples lives.