Thursday, 9 September 2010

It is now September, which means that I have definitely have given up smoking for more than six months. If I sound a bit vague about this it isn't because I don't care, but because in an attempt not to put pressure on myself I didn't actually note the day that I finished my last packet of cigarettes. It was somewhere at the end of January and it wasn't an entirely conscious decision to quit but an attempt to see how long I could go without buying anymore cigarettes...

The first month was pretty tough thanks to it being the 28 days of tedium we call Februaryand the banging headache that accompanied my lack of nicotine. A few weeks without booze made it much easier to break the association of drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other and I was extremely pleased when on my first night out with a drink or two that I didn't fall prey to the demon weed. Apparently after years of drunk dialling Joe Camel, I have grown up and managed to delete his number...

And then almost without trying and without thinking about it, I just ceased to think about smoking. I was spending all my time around non smokers and it was refreshing not to have to always check my bag for the paraphenalia of fags, lighter and mints each time I went out or changed bag to match an outfit. I loved having £20 or 30 a month more in my purse and being able to go out for lunch or a coffee every so often rather than spending my time in the house, only popping outside to the patio for a quick cigarette in my slippers, because I couldn't afford both 'pleasures'.

Over six months after giving up, I have got past the urge to just have 'one little draw' of other people's cigarettes to see if I still I didn't like it. I don't feel like I've forgotten something if my bag just has keys, phone, purse and lipbalm in it. But I do keep forgetting that I used to smoke. It seems as alien to me now as wearing a school uniform everyday, yet I used to do both without thinking. It would no more occur to me to buy a packet of cigarettes right now than I would make the impulse purchase of a pet snake.(Although that might also be down to the fact Camel Lights have changed their packaging and the familiar pale blue packet no longer winks down at me in shops anytime I pop in!)

Oddly though I don't feel the slightest bit healthier for giving up smoking and the only reason my skin looks glowing in the past few months is the repeat prescription of Roaccutane. I smell nicer by default, but other than that I have no physical changes from quitting. I feel slightly cheated by this, but not enough to put me off my path of being smoke free. I've managed the whole summer without a cigarette to scare off the wasps...I think if I can do that, I can do this long term!

About Me

I started this blog as a way to talk to myself as I worked my way toward rebuilding my life after experiencing two rapes. Then other people started reading it too and I realised talking about myself wasn't enough and expanded it to having an opinion on everything, especially women and sexual violence. I want this to be a safe welcoming space so please assume all posts need a trigger warning for rape, PTSD, general trauma related crappiness and bad jokes. I'm thrilled anyone reads it and want everyone to feel welcome, including men who may have been victims. I talk about rape from a woman's perspective as that's my own experience, but don't want to exclude anyone who doesn't feel their experience is the same. Feel free to browse or make comments. These are moderated so any apologist crap hits the bin, but not to boost my ego. Anonymous comments or pseudonyms are fine by me since I only blog anonymously myself. Thanks for reading. I do reward you with the odd lighthearted post as well...