I found this collecting dust with my unpublished, unfinished rough drafts. It’s a few months old, so some of it’s a bit passé, but I decided to polish it up. If you want more of this type of writing, I highly recommend Cracked.

In the interest of transparency, I would like to preface this debate [with myself] by saying that I am a well-established “dog person.” Let the transcripts show it. (Is that what they say in court? I haven’t watched Judge Judy, People’s Court, et cetera since my family got cable in 2009 Thanksgiving. That’s how old this post was, y’all.) I will try to not let this affect my journalistic attempts to chronicle the virtues and vices of canines and felines. (Does “and” have any synonyms? I feel as ifI think I know I’m being redundant.)
Now, to retcon any and, especially, all fair and balanced coverage promises: Dogs are fuckin’ awesome. Shit, yo. They need their own overenthusiastic advertisement.

Dogs. Do I even need to tell you why they’re humans’ best friends? Just look at the word “dog.” (No, not because it’s “God” backwards, pamphlet-giver.) Now say it. Now look back to “dog.” This is the word “cat” could be, but isn’t, because cats smell terrible. My point is, “cat” is a fucking asshole of a word. “Dog” is laid-back and chill as fuck. You have to contort your face to say “cat,” with its sharp consonants and annoying vowel; not so with “dog.” Just say it, then lay back in your armchair and relax. Smooth, like silk. (Or a dog’s coat. ‘Cuz you can wash it.)

You, the reader who has few social skills and even fewer friends, interject [rudely]: “Of course cats are assholes. They’re independent and smart and skilled predators. Dogs just lay around and chase their tails and chew their balls.”
Well, reader–I, for one, am offended by your blatant disregard for potheads’ cultural customs. Regardless, cats aren’t even “smarter” than dogs (thanks for including sources for your information).
As for your cat being a skilled predator…. What, for more feline marijuana? You hypocrites disgust me. At any rate, you know what being skilled predators makes them? Ninja. Utterly deplorable.

Now that I have established that dogs are lovable pirates with eensy, adorable, peg legs, let me denounce cats further, because I felt the need to segue into the exact same topic.

Cats are quite simply not as cute as dogs. No bullshit, straight-up, 100% pure, uncut cocaine.

Catnip is a gateway drug.

Have you seen those cats with the flat faces? My God. They’re not adorable, they’re fucking pitiful. Upon glancing at them, I almost want to put them out of their teary-eyed misery, just so no one has to clean their inbred faces again. Also, tigers (which are cats) are one of two mammalian species whose young are less cute than the adults. The other species? Kangaroos, because kangaroo babies are still alien jelly bean fetuses attached to monumentally long nipples (the hentai I had to sit through to find that). Anyway, fuck cats.

So, to play Devil’s advocate (Al Pacino, not Keanu Reeves), why are cats cool? Because they are evil. Pure motherfucking undercover evil. Now, almost everyone I reveal this to thinks I am crazy, so let me present this simplistic argument to your simple mind: Do Bond villains have pet dogs? No, they damn well do not. They simply do not. Who did the ancient Egyptians, oppressors of Moses and possibly Jesus Himself, worship? Cats. (Who do Hindus worship? Cows, who are very obvious in their wish to greenhouse us with farts, which is adorable indirect.)

And, what is bad about dogs? Let me rack my brain.

…

If you don’t take care of them, they suffer, and you feel guilty forever.