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16 November 2011

Consuming

Consuming. That is the way of the darkness.

It envelopes everything around you, and sometimes, it envelopes the people around you too. It darkens in like an unwelcome stranger, any time of day, without warning or invitation. It consumes every aspect of life around you- work, school, family. It consumes time, money, and energy.

Things begin to pile up. A week's worth of laundry begins to pile up, until it seems unbearable. Concocting anything more than an instant meal is challenging. Nothing seems the right colour or shape anymore. Things that were once comforting become less such, and the energy to find comfort is lost in the darkness.

Activities that were once enjoyable become grim. Nobody wants to be around you- you're darkened. They don't want to feel it too. Going out becomes an all-consuming task because you don't want to see those around you experience it.

You find yourself condemning yourself for things you don't deserve. Sometimes the people around you help you do it. You're lazy. You're selfish. You're becoming lazier. Nobody cares about you. Nobody wants you around. Things will never get better. Everyone is against you. You can't do anything right. You're worthless. You're ugly. You're stupid. You're fat. The insults pile on, and you feel like you can't stop yourself.

Your condemnation pushes you deeper as your realisations become a reality- look at that pile of unfinished work- you are lazy. You haven't brushed your hair in two days- you are ugly. You're gaining weight- you are fat. You don't do things for other people- you are selfish. It grows deeper as you withdraw more, furthering the self-condemnation.

It's suffocating. It feels like it'll never go away. The darkness- when it consumes you, you feel helpless and trapped, you are your own prisoner. You're in your own jail cell, blocked from the light of day, beating at yourself day and night, without access to the light and happiness. It's lonely and cold. No pillows and blankets- it's not a comfortable place. Forget eating regularly- sometimes you just want out.

Sentences of darkness vary. Some last a few weeks, and some last several months or even years. Some are deeper than others. Some go unnoticed by others, because of the mask the person wears, the prison guard mask, the "I'm ok, taking care of myself" mask.

Sometimes it lifts. Some reach a state of overproductivity; some don't. The overproductivity is consuming too- it eats up every resource you have, taking advantage of the fact that you finally have energy, draining you back into the all consuming darkness. You feel like you're on top of the world until it is ripped away. You can do anything, for a while. This is not freedom- more like a break, if you will, from the all consuming darkness, the darkness that you know will soon sink in again, that is bound to you like a ball and chain, to come back to you if you pull away too hard.

This is reality. This is life. It will envelope and consume until there is no more.