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Thursday, June 05, 2014

The things I do for medical science...

If Red Riding Hood could see me now, she'd have something to say.

Putting aside my genuine concern that my eyebrows are turning grey and I'm going to end up looking like a negative of Alistair Darling, the biggest facial challenge I'm currently... um... facing, is that I have one pupil bigger than the other. Obviously that can happen if I look at Lisa through a telescope, but in this case I've been unilaterally dilated in an attempt to further my career. And to make me look like a junkie.

Since returning to work on Monday I've been undergoing training at the Sussex Eye Hospital in the art of slit lamp biomicroscopy. The first day and a half focuses on how to say 'biomicroscopy' without getting tongue-tied, and then you move on to more practical stuff. Like where the 'on' switch is.

Unfortunately, this afternoon there was a shortage of patients to practice on, so in a moment of extreme dedication to our craft, my colleague and I gave each other eye drops. We limited ourselves to one eye each, so that we could still see to use the slit-lamp, and could wink at each other with clarity, but I have to say, it's a slightly disorientating experience.

I think the patients are making a fuss about nothing when it comes to the stinging, but the after-effects aren't a barrel of laughs. Walking home in the sunshine was like skipping through a glitter-filled lava lamp. I found it easier to cross the road with my eyes shut. Foolishly, I agreed to read to the kids the moment I got back...

... and by the time I'd tried to focus on Alice's adventures for half an hour, I felt like I was in Wonderland myself. I now feel slightly travel-sick, with a serious eye-strain headache. I might have to tell the doctors I'm too ill to see them tomorrow.