8 Things You Must Know Before Attending a Same-Sex Wedding

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By
Lindsay King-Miller

May 07, 2014

It's nearing summer, and that means one thing: You need to go out and buy more refrigerator magnets because the ones you own are straining under the weight of all the invitations to the dozens of weddings you'll be attending in the upcoming three months. That's right — it's wedding season! And this year, with more states than ever allowing same-sex marriage (Illinois will become the 17th at the beginning of June), you might very well have queer wedding bells in your future. Unfortunately, same-sex weddings are still rare enough that they can present unexpected stumbling blocks in propriety, leading to the occasional faux pas. Here are some tips for keeping your etiquette game sharp, so you can stay on the happy couple's Christmas card list for life.

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1. Don't crash the wedding. Let me say it again: Don't EVER crash a wedding. Do not attend a wedding for which you did not receive a personal invitation, unless you are a firefighter and one or more wedding guests is on fire. Anecdotal evidence from a number of gay weddings, including mine, suggests that they are more than usually prone to being crashed — often by well-meaning friends of friends who have never seen a gay wedding and are curious. This is really not cool. You go to a wedding because you care about the couple and want to support their love for one another, not because you think it will be a fun anecdote to one-up your BFF's trip to Costa Rica. If you want an entertaining and edifying cultural experience, go to a museum.

2. Do use the couple's preferred terminology. People in non-standard relationships often have non-standard relationships with gender, and thus, with gender-coded words. Not every woman getting married is, or wants to be called, a bride; not every dude thinks of himself as a groom. Let the couple be the guides of the words you choose, and if you're not sure, just use their names. It's not any easier to say, "Where's the bride?" than to say, "Where's Amy?" — really, it's not! And please continue to follow this rule after the wedding. Not every married woman is a wife. Not every married man is a husband. Not every married person identifies with either side of the gender binary. Again, follow the example people provide — if someone always refers to her "partner," do not say, "How's your wife?" If you find it impossible to respect language preferences, consider moving to the North Pole or a small and uninhabited cave, where no one can bother you with their petty human emotions.

3. Don't use your RSVP or card to express your reservations about gay marriage. Thank goodness this did not happen to me, but I've heard some horror stories about homophobic relatives throwing a serious cloud over the festivities. If you don't want to attend, just check "regrets" and leave it at that; you don't need to explain why you won't be there. And if you DO show up and take advantage of the open bar and the painstakingly curated playlist and still write something shitty in your card, there's room for you at the North Pole too.

4. Do find a card that reflects the couple's genders and gender expressions. Greeting-card companies have started to figure out that same-sex couples exist, which is great, but those gay wedding cards tend to be really gender-normative – like, they say, "Here come the brides!" or have a picture of two grooms in top hats and tuxes or whatever. That may not be relevant to the couple you're celebrating, and you run the risk of making them uncomfortable by projecting gendered assumptions onto them. If you're not sure, find a card with a picture that has nothing to do with attire or gender — maybe something with bells or a cake. Or just skip the card and stuff an envelope with cash.

5. Don't ask when or how the couple plans to reproduce. This is so presumptuous and unnecessary! Not every married couple wants children, and among those who do, the decisions surrounding becoming parents are often intensely personal, not something anyone wants to discuss over cocktails with 25 drunk second cousins. Of course, this happens to straight people too, but for couples who are reproductively incompatible, the questions often become even more invasive. We're talking about sensitive medical information here — if it's not offered, don't demand it. If we ever have a baby, I promise you'll hear about it on Facebook.

6. Do expect to see alternatives to traditions. A lot of what we think of as wedding traditions are based on heteronormative gender roles that simply don't apply to most same-sex couples (or many straight couples, for that matter). Be prepared for some changes to the script. Maybe no one will be "given away." Maybe there won't be a mother-son dance or a bouquet toss. Don't be weird about it! If we skipped something, it's probably not because we forgot. Same-sex couples have a unique opportunity to create new traditions that better fit our lives, our families, and our relationships — be excited that you get to participate!

7. Don't say, "I can't wait until you can do this for real!" Even if you're attending a ceremony in a state that does not currently recognize same-sex marriages, this wedding is real. The couple is making a real commitment to each other and having a real party with their real friends and loved ones. Don't disrespect them by treating their celebration as lesser because the government denies them the rights they deserve. In fact, try not to bring up the legal battles surrounding gay marriage at all, unless the couple does it first. Most of us would rather not spend our wedding day contemplating how many of our fellow citizens want to keep us legally and socially marginalized — we just want to dance, drink, and hang out with people we love.

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8. Do let the couple know you're proud of them and happy for them and that you support their relationship. By the time someone gets around to having a same-sex wedding, they've probably been through a lot — from coming out to weathering discrimination to finding a caterer that can deliver a totally organic, vegetarian menu while accommodating soy and gluten allergies and costing less than a down payment on a house. Life can be hard, and a wedding isn't just an excuse to buy some really fancy shoes; it's a time when we all show up and promise to help each other through the hard parts. The love and support of friends and family members, the knowledge that your community cares about you and has your back, is the most precious gift any queer couple could ever receive. (That said, remember: No lesbian can ever have too many Home Depot gift cards.)