Bloomberg Expands New York SAFE Act

(New York) April 24th, 2014 – New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg, a primary supporter of New York State’s controversial Secure Ammunition and Firearms Enforcement (SAFE) Act, is taking the Act even further by waging a war on “trigger warnings”—and it may not be what you expect.

When gun enthusiasts hear “trigger warnings,” their thoughts probably jump immediately to admonitions of “keep your goddam finger away from the trigger until you’re ready to fire.” But that’s not the kind of trigger warning Bloomberg wants shut down.

As explained by professional attention-seeker and hypochondriac Melody Hensley, a trigger warning is anything that might remind a victim of her or his victimized state by bringing up memories of traumatizing events. When confronted with the logic that anything and everything can be a “trigger” for activating memories of any type Ms. Hensley suddenly remembered she “wasn’t well enough to talk to reporters” due to the PTSD she got from mean Internet tweets and abruptly terminated the interview.

Efforts to reach out to Mayor Bloomberg’s office proved to be more fruitful, with the mayor himself sitting down with us for an on-the-record interview. “The term ‘trigger warning’ is in itself problematic,” Bloomberg explained. “The ‘trigger’ is the part of the gun that hits the bullet and makes the gun go bang. So people who have been victims of gun violence, or who find guns the slightest bit scary, might get triggered… er, I mean affected, by the term ‘trigger warning.’ So it has got to go.”

“We must continue to protect people from anything that might possibly harm them by making blanket restrictions on their Constitutional rights,” Bloomberg added. “This latest regulation is squarely in line with my previous actions as mayor of New York. So now, inside New York City limits, the term ‘trigger warning’ is officially outlawed, just like conservatives, ‘stop and frisk,’ and sugary drinks larger than 32 ounces.”

While Bloomberg’s move fired up the rabid left political base, those against banning trigger warnings were left with few allies. “Normally we reflexively oppose anything Mayor Bloomberg proposes,” NRA president and Bloomberg arch nemesis Jim Porter said in a hastily-convened press conference after Bloomberg’s announcement. “But this one is so stupid, we’re not even going to wade in. No one is going to believe this is real anyway, so we’re just going to let it go.”