What Makes Us Feel Guilty?

Guilt might even be good for us! (Don't tell your Mom!)

Sarah* was pregnant with her second child. She was also in mourning. Her beloved Granny had died after a long and painful illness. “I know it’s better for her to be out of her pain and not suffering anymore,” Sarah told me, “but I just don’t want her to be gone.” She was silent for a moment and then she added, “I wish I could have told her just once more how much I love her. I wish I had been there for her more.”

I could hear the guilt in Sarah’s words. From my perspective, she had no reason to feel it. From everything she had described, she and her grandmother had a clear and openly expressed mutual love. They had spoken several times a week during the illness, and although Sarah had wanted to visit her in the last weeks of her life, she was eight months pregnant and her physician had told her it was not safe for her to travel the distance. Her Granny had said, “You need to take care of yourself and of my great grandchildren. And besides, I’m so tired these days that we get more visiting done in our phone calls than we would in person.”

But now that she had passed on, Sarah was feeling not only sad and bereft, but also guilty about not having made the effort despite her doctor’s recommendation.

What was this guilt about? Was it as simple and straightforward as Sarah simply needing someone to remind her that her Granny had not expected – or wanted – her to make the trip? In the years that I have been working as a therapist, I have found that guilt, one of the primary emotions Freud wrote about, is almost never simple.

For instance, what does it mean when working moms feel guilty that they’re not spending enough time with their children and stay at home moms worry that they’re not being good role models for their daughters? What about husbands who feel badly that they’re not making enough money so that their wives can stay home with their children; and partners who feel guilty that they have fallen out of love with their mates?

Or a man who feels guilty about having mistreated a younger sibling, or who feels terrible about not having protected another child from bullies when they were in elementary school, or who worries because he has money and a comfortable life while so many in the world are suffering?

And what about those famous guilt-provoking parents and grandparents who, unlike Sarah’s Granny, want their children and grandchildren to feel guilty about not visiting, calling or bringing the grandchildren often enough; for not coming to holiday or family celebrations; or just for not being the child they wanted or expected them to be. What is this really about?

Guilt is not a nice feeling. We try to avoid it, and when we can’t get away from it we try to get rid of it, sometimes by trying to put blame on others – it’s her fault, not mine, we say. I’m really an innocent victim here. Or we look for absolution, forgiveness. We want to know that we’re not bad, or at least not completely. But like so many painful emotions, guilt is actually important to our well-being, part of healthy psychological development. Freud saw it as a signal that an individual had begun to take responsibility for himself, for his feelings and conflicts and for difficult decisions he had to make. Carl Jung said that development and growth only occur when we are able to recognize and attempt to rectify our transgressions. And Melanie Klein saw guilt as part of the healthy acceptance of the “depressive position,” which she believed was a sign that a person could manage a realistic mix of emotional experiences, accepting that she is neither pure and always good nor evil and always bad.

Guilt is a way we have of recognizing that we have not lived up to our own values and standards. At its best, it is an opportunity to acknowledge and rectify mistakes. But often guilt bleeds into shame, and then it becomes another story.

Many psychoanalysts, psychologists and social workers have written about the differences between these two feelings. Brené Brown puts it succinctly, describing guilt as “adaptive and helpful - it's holding something we've done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.” Shame, on the other hand, she says is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging - something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”

Silvano Tomkins also writes about the sense of shame we have when something suddenly stops and we feel not only a loss but also a sense that we are no longer connected and somehow, unworthy of connection.

As I listened to Sarah, I found myself wondering if some of what she was feeling was actually related more to the sense of not being connected than to a feeling that she had not lived up to her own values and standards. Her grandmother’s death had left her without an important connection; and sometimes, even though we know better, some childlike part of us thinks, “If only I had behaved better, that person would not have died and left me behind.” Sarah’s guilt, then, was a way of holding onto her grandmother, of maintaining a secret belief that if only she could make up for her failures, she could bring her grandmother back.

I began to think that some of my other clients might also be trying to hold onto or repair relationships through feelings of guilt. The thoughts might not always make logical sense, but I suspect that they are ways of trying to stay connected. If shame is a feeling of not being worthy of connection, then guilt is a feeling that we can make ourselves worthy. Perhaps one more good thing about guilt, then, is that it brings along with it a sense that we can change something that is making us feel bad.

*Names and identifying information have been changed to protect privacy

hellow..i do not knw how to say this,iam 24 years old what i feel rigtnow is more than guilty its self..few months ago i got pregnat i was not ready to raise the baby so i had to sit for an abortion..i remember the pains i felt,it hurted alot,i couldnt walk a day,and i knew GOD was looking at me with deep anger, each day i walked on street it felt like every baby that passed me by was angry atb me. and whenever i look at it..i just felt too guilty for giving my child away just like that..iam feeling more guilty now because i know i cant take it back and correct what i did..i see muyself as a murderer and despite everything iam today i know somethings just cant go smoothly becausse of a great sin i committed.

I know this comment is extremely late, but I will reply anyway on the off chance you come back for some reason. I hope this comment finds you well. I don't know if you are religious or not or if your religion is Christianity . If you are and it is then know that god forgives all sin. You only need to ask him. Once forgiven god "casts the sin into the sea of forgetfulness". A person is not evil because they sin. All people sin and to god all sin holds equal weight regardless of what it was. God will forgive you just like he forgives everybody regardless of the sin. Getting god to forgive you is the easy part. The truly hard part is to forgive yourself. For that I hope you have sought help from a mental health professional. Every means of support is a good thing. If you have not done either yet remember it is never too late for both. May god bless you all the days of your life.

Hi -- Having an abortion is a very difficult experience, physically and emotionally, no matter how old you are, what your religious beliefs, or what your reasons for doing it. You've had a physical blow to your body and also to your psyche. It's very important that take care of yourself. I encourage you to speak with someone in the mental health field who can help you deal with your feelings. A mental health clinic should have someone who you could talk with and who can help you start to feel better and stop punishing yourself for the decision you made, and to help you realize that you are not a bad person. Again, it is so important that you take care of yourself now.
All the best,
Diane

Thank you for this article.
I am like Sarah, full of guilt that my Dad is in the hospital and I'm home debating on whether or not to see him today even though I saw him yesterday, and he has a caretaker with him today, I feel guilty that part of me doesn't want to take the long drive to see.
Am I a bad daughter when I do and have done so much for him? Guilt is really a horrible feeling. His illness makes me feel bad. His pain makes me feel bad. I can't change that.

Hi Sandra,
As we get older, most of us have some sort of experience with parents in care, and it seems to be almost always threaded with pain and guilt. Many times, they don't want to be there, and we wish we could manage to have them at home; but sometimes, having a parent living with us can be worse for them as well as for us. You're right, it's so important to remember that you didn't make your father ill. It's understandable that his illness makes you feel bad and makes him feel bad, but you can't change it. You can support him and love him and be there for him as much as you can -- but there is nothing that says you have to give up your entire life. On the other hand, one thing I did learn while my parents were ill was that it helps afterwards to know that you were there as much as you could be (again, whatever that may be, and without giving up your own life!)

There are, fortunately, more and more good books addressing this -- just google "taking care of aging parents." I also find that it is really helpful to have the support of relatives and friends, who can confirm that you are being a good daughter.

The most important thing is to know that you are doing what you are able to do -- and to let yourself off the hook for not being able to do more than that.
Best,
Diane

As a good Roman Catholic boy, I've had lots of experience with guilt and I think I have learnt how to deal with it well. For the most part, I don't interpret it, especially when it is others trying to force it upon me.

But having recently been accused of making others feel guilty, it is apparent to me that this is not the case for everyone. As this hasn't been my problem before or at least for some time, I think I was entirely oblivious to the concept.

Having read your article, and having thought about the ideas around guilt, much more directly, it is interesting to note that guilt can be both positive or negative: it is up to the individual to choose to respond the their own emotions. They might blame others with phrases like "you made me feel guilty" but ultimately, it is our own guilt, our own values against which guilt is assessed, and our own response which determines if guilt is a positive or a negative influence.