Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Warning : This post is not for the faint of heart. So stop being a pussy and read ahead.

In light of Teeth winning the Scream Award the other night for Most Memorable Mutiliation, thanks to its "penis bitten off by vagina" scene, I thought we should all take a look at some of the other memorable penis removal scenes in the annals of horror. That's what you all came here to see, right? Is it just me?

There is perhaps no act more horrifying and cringe inducing to the male horror fan than the act of a penis being removed, is there? Unless of course that male horror fan is one of those dudes who feels they're a woman trapped inside a man's body and decides to take drastic measures. In which case I guess that technically wouldn't be a male. We can handle heads being crushed in. We can handle guts being ripped out and eaten. But when it comes to the act of the Penectomy, as it's medically referred, we lose our shit. The only thing worse then seeing man dick on screen is seeing man dick ripped off on screen. Am I right? That being said, let's all lose our shit. And for the females reading this, enjoy. Just don't try any of these at home. Unless your dude's cheatin on ya.

Yes, I realize this post would be a lot better with videos, but i'm not really in the mood to get banned from Google Video. I'm already on the fritz with YouTube...

Last House On The Left

This is the first Penectomy I ever had the pleasure of witnessing, and I have the sick and twisted mind of a young Wes Craven to thank for it. So thank you, Wes. The premise is this ; a woman's daughter was just raped and killed and now she's going down on a guy who is part of the sick gang that did the deed. The question you're most likely asking if you haven't seen the movie is ; why's she going down on him? Naturally, for the purpose of eventually, right at the moment of ecstasy, biting his shit off. And that's exactly what she does. She rips,tears, and yanks on his flesh stick with her canine like incisors and then spits his beloved member in the dirt. Talk about taking one for the team. Although i'm not so sure this crazy bitch didn't enjoy it. She's just lucky that this dude wasn't the one who raped her daughter cause they never had a chance to shower and, oh, nevermind. That's just a bit too sick.

FUN FACT! The penis of Napoleon was severed during his autopsy! It was sold many years later to a urologist for a mere $3,000!

I Spit On Your Grave

This scene belongs to the class of "less is more" gore. We really see nothing, but it manages to come off as one of the most cringe worthy scenes in horror history. It's the sound of the cut, the bubbling up of blood from down below, and the man's primordial screams of agony that really sell this one. Again, like in Last House, the dumb motherfuckin asshole who just raped this chick falls for her devious plan and finds nothing strange about the fact that she suddenly wants to bed him. She starts giving the soon to be dickless man a rubdown in the tub, working her hands down to his package, and then grabs a knife and slices and dices it right off. Sometimes, leaving a little bit to the viewer's imagination makes a brutal scene all the more brutal.

FUN FACT! In 1996, six year old David Reimer's penis was accidently cut off during a botched circumcision! He was re-assigned as a girl and as a teen went through several surgeries to restore his male organ! Some time later, he killed himself! Ya think?!

Hostel Part 2

Beth, about to be killed by Stuart (who has just payed to do so per the Hostel rules), decides to turn the tables on her killer. She escapes from his grasp and, thanks to her familys heavily lined pockets, buys out Stuart's contract to kill her. But, she first must kill someone before she's allowed to leave. So, like any self respecting dame would do, she grabs a rusty pair of scissors and hacks off her almost killers goods, penis and balls. Thinking that wasn't enough pain and torture, she tosses his unit to the ground for the consumption of the very hungry Elite Hunting dogs. Man's best friend eating man's other best friend, oh the irony! This scene absolutely blew me away. Sure, i'd seen more than a couple scenes like it prior, but I never expected to see something like this in an American theatrically released mainstream movie. Such scenes are usually relegated to either foreign or old school exploitation type films. Bravo, Eli Roth. And Roth sure as shit isn't of the belief that less is more. We see EVERYTHING. I felt the gore throughout the rest of the movie was kinda toned down to allow this finale to make it past the ratings board, but it was well worth it.

FUN FACT! On April 22nd, 1997, a man entered a packed London restaurant, calmy sat down, then just as calmy cut off his own dick with a steak knife!

Street Trash

Now this is more along the lines of the type of movie you'd expect to see this shit in. The physical act of penis removal itself in this one is not all that exciting, it's what follows after that made it too irresistible for me to not include on here. So a homeless dude is peeing out of a glory hole of sorts and he ends up peeing on the wrong man's head. Is there ever a right mans head for such a situation? The guy he's peeing on happens to be heavily armed with a big ass knife and you can pretty much figure out what happens from there. Now the real fun comes when all the brand new eunuch's homeless bretheren decide to get in on the fun. They throw and kick his severed penis all over the place in a sort of sexually deviant version of the children's game hot potato. Yes, you should go see Street Trash right now.

FUN FACT! In October of 04, Dr. Naum Ciomu got so angry during a routine penile surgery that he cut his patients johnson up into small pieces! As a result, he recieved only a 1 year jail sentence! The patients penis was then reconstructed using tissue from his arm!

Night Of The Demon

I'm a huge Bigfoot/Sasquatch aficionado, in case you weren't aware. I've by now seen all the films there are to see that contain the oversized hairy beast, but that's only because I went on a hardcore Bigfoot binge sometime last year. I had heard that Night of the Demon was pretty much the most brutal of the Bigfoot films, and to say it dissapointed would be a huge understatement. But there was this one scene that kinda redeemed the whole experience for me. I refer to it as the 'Bigfoot gives a handjob' scene and when Bigfoot gives a HJ, blood flys. A biker pulls off to the side of the road to take a piss and he's met with the big furry hand of the mythical beast grabbing on to this pecker, which is ultimately ripped off. The biker then hobbles around spurting blood and we get a clear view of the little piece of skin that's left of his man meat. Talk about a circumcision. This is really the only scene you need to see in this entire movie and it's one you won't soon forget, i'll give 'em that.

FUN FACT! In ancient civilizations, removal of the penis was used as a way to establish superiority among warring tribes! Armies were known to sever the penises of their enemies not only as a means to count the dead but also to keep as trophies!

I know there's plenty more classic scenes of this graphic nature out there, but it's getting late and i'm pretty tired and I think you've all seen enough penis for one night. Besides, I think i'm about all tapped out on substitute words to describe the male genitalia. Seek out films like Storm Warning, Cannibal Ferox, and Beyond Re-Animator if you haven't yet gotten your fix. Goodnight.

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