So, we can finally take all this to Mayor Asshole and get him to give us the password to get out of this damn town. Finnigan is in his office, just west of the Fellowship Hall.

: "Okay, I'm done with your damn investigation, Finnigan.": "Hast thou properly searched the stables?": "I wouldn't be here if I hadn't.": "What didst thou find?": "The most useful thing was a key.": "Ask Spark about it. He may know something.": "I already did, you asshole, I'm here to report.": "Art thou ready to answer some questions concerning the investigation?": "Yes, god damn you.": "Very well. What was Christopher's occupation?": "Shithouse cleaner. Okay, fine, he was a blacksmith.": "What didst thou find at the murder site?": "...Christopher isn't going to be the only one ritualistically vivisected in this town. Once more, I found a key.": "What did the key open?": "Your mother's snatch.": "What did it really open?": "A god damned chest.": "What didst thou find in the chest?": "A medallion, a scroll, and a hundred bucks.": "Dost thou have a suspect?": "WHY DO YOU THINK I'M HERE?!": "What dost this villain look like?": "Some loser with a hook.": "Hmmm. Any leads on finding this villain?": "The Crown bloody Jewel.": The Mayor is pleased. "It seems thou art pursuing thine investigation with genuine fervor. Methinks thou shouldst go to Britain and see if thou canst find this Man with a Hook. Here is half thy reward money. Thou wilt receive the rest when thou dost prove that the killer hath been brought to justice!" The Mayor hands you 100 gold coins. "Dost thou need the password?": "What I need is a powder keg, but the password would also do quite nicely, yes.": "Before I give thee the password, I must admit I have had my doubts about thou truly being the Avatar. I must ask thee to indulge me in order to satisfy my somewhat suspicious nature. I shall ask thee a few questions regarding the geography of Britannia. Please answer with the number of the longitude or latitude from thy cloth map. Remember-- longitude refers to the lines that run north-south. They are determined by the numbers at the bottom of the map. Latitude refers to the lines that run east-west. They are determined by the numbers on the left side of thy map. If these questions are answered correctly, then I will cast aside all my doubts.": "I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE FUCKING SOUL."

So, we answer some inane questions about Britannia's geography. Just consult this page and answer correctly.

: "Excellent! I have no doubt now that thou art the one true Avatar! Oh-- I almost forgot! The password to leave or enter the town is `Blackbird'!" : "Get the hell out of my way before I beat your head in with a mace."

And thus concludes our brief murder investigation. I didn't check the time, but I think, all totaled, we found everything we needed in under three hours in-game. Finnigan could've done this himself after breakfast and still had time to kill before lunch, the lazy fuckhole. Oh, well, we're done with him, now so, hopefully, we never have cause to see his mug again. We can now leave Trinsic and adventure as we please! Bout fucking time. Unfortunately, there's at least one more instance of copy protection, but it'll be a while before we get to it, thankfully. Britannia is now wide open to us! Soon, we'll get our merry band of thugs puckish rogues together and screw around for a while, maybe do some quests to get stronger. Either way, we're free of Trinsic, and that's all that matters.

[Actually hit the 20k character limit with the last post. Well, ain't that some shit?]

Thankee! I've been wanting to do this for a while, and its fun with a more...atypical Avatar like Dave, but not one that's quite as misanthropic, selfish, and insane as Steve. Not that I have anything against Steve.

Without using the [REDACTED], you can't get totally loaded right out of Trinsic, but you can get plenty of gold once everyone's asleep. Salty the Shipwright is probably the richest man in town, so next update will probably have me waiting til nightfall and robbing the armourer, shipwright, and other folks. And maybe hitting up the [REDACTED] for, at most, two of the items there, since it alleviates a pretty heady burden. Can't raid the healer's place, unfortunately, since Gilberto is always standing there always awake. Damned inconvenient, that.

When last we left Dave and Company, we had just finished the world's shortest murder investigation, violating all known laws of proper forensics on the way. We also completed some shit-ass copy protection and got the password to leave Trinsic in the dust.

: "But wait, there's more!"

Indeed! Trinsic has a few more goodies stashed away that we want to pilfer before moving on. But, there's also one huge thing I wanna get out of the way, first. Something upon which I shall only barely touch because it does actually contain some pretty major spoilers.

The Trinsic Cheat Room

In the far southwestern side of town is Christopher's (Spark's dad, the dead dude) smithy. Its...a little worse for wear, to say the least. Apparently, one day of disuse turns an otherwise normal shop into an utter shithole. But, that's neither here nor there. What we're looking for has little to do with the inside of the shop, we need to get to the roof! Yes, Ultima VII actually affords us all 3 dimensions worth of movement, despite its ostensibly isometric 2D graphics, and we will be exploiting this for all its worth!

First, we need some building materials. The crates and anvil from Chris' shop will fill most of our needs, and the rest are filled by the two houses nearby.

: "On a stairway to heavennnnnn..."

We walk right up the little stairway we just made and head behind the chimney. Tucked behind it is a teleporter egg that is normally invisible, unless you enable the "Eggs Viewable" option when you play. I don't because it kind of clutters things up for the screenshots and egg placement can provide some slight spoilers for certain areas. Also, notice that Spark isn't anywhere to be seen. Companion pathing doesn't...always work quite the way it should when going up man-made stairs like these because of how narrow they are. Anywho, we walk behind the chimney, annnnnd...

Viola! Its dark as hell, but this is the entrance to the Trinsic Cheat Room! Hit the switch on the wall to the left and we're in!

: "Whoa."

Hell yes, whoa! Eight chests loaded to the gills with magic armour, powerful weapons, a bag full of 100 of each reagent, another with 1000 smackers and a full stack of lockpicks, and a fully-loaded spellbook with Arma-fucking-geddon conveniently earmarked for our use. We will, however, not be taking most of this with us. I'll just be nicking the book, regs, and lockpicks.

Quite right, Dave. Getting armed to the teeth isn't terribly hard in Ultima VII, even without the Cheat Room. The regs, lockpicks, and spellbook are only being taken for convenience's sake, since running around and collecting all the spells and regs we need is a major pain in the ass, for reasons that will become abundantly clear relatively soon.

We take the teleport pad in the main room and, a short walk later, we come across a room chock full of teleporters! The one with the golden plaque leads to LB's throne room, quite convenient, the ones on the left lead to the shrines, and the others lead to (mostly) plot-relevant locations we want to, for now, avoid. However, we won't be taking any of these for...reasons. Instead, I'm going to pull up the F3 map and zap us back to Trinsic.

Now, we're ready to leave this shithole! There's a little extra money to be pilfered here, but eh, I think I might leave the citizens of this town only slightly lighter in the wallet. One, because its only 10am and waiting/sleeping til then would put a dent in our meager food supplies and, two, we'll be hitting it rich almost immediately upon entering Britain, anyway, so it doesn't really matter. Let's go through the south gate for...reasons.

Just activate the wench yourself, because fuck the police.

: "You are traveling in the wrong direction, my friend!": "First off, you're not my friend. Second, what part of 'fuck the police' don't you understand?": "You're still not heading towards the plo-er, Britain.": "Screw the plot, I wanna wander!": "Who the hell are you talking to?": "The guy that crashed my computer.": "What's a computer?"

Wandering the woods, we come under fire from some little, green dudes.

These are gremlins. Not very threatening, so even our substandard party with janky gear and middling stats can handle them without problems.

Unlike most critters, when gremlins die, they turn into food. Don't ask, I really don't know, but hey, free food is free food.

: "Are you sure this is safe to eat, Mr. Dave?": "I'unno."

Moving on, we eventually happen across this innocuous-looking tree.

Which, for reference is roughly around here:

But, if you've got keen eyes, you might notice something's amiss with this tree. This tree, much like Klog, is hiding something. Except, unlike Klog, this tree isn't hiding something dark, sinister, and other bad words associated with bad people.

It is, in fact, hiding a chest! Unfortunately, Dave's dexterity score blows, so picking the lock, if its even possible, would be an exercise in frustration. So, in true Avatar fashion, we just beat the chest open with a mace, like a freaking badass.

: "How's that for loot, Spark?": "So shiny...": "I have to admit, this is a pretty impressive haul for how little effort it took to find it."

Damn straight, Iolo. The loot consists of:

600 gold

A full set of magic armour (the best you can get)

One of each kind of magic ring (invisibility <gold>, regeneration <green>, and protection <orange>)

50 magic bolts with crossbow

Swamp boots

A fire sword (deals fire damage and doubles as a light source)

Sword of defense (grants extra AC)

Spark, being the weakest of the group, gets the armour and defense sword, giving him a really high AC and making him consequently difficult to hit til we can shore up his stats. Iolo gets the spare crossbow and the magic bolts, and Dave gets the swamp boots, fire sword, and Spark's old shield. Not bad for our first day of freedom, eh? Next time, we'll actually head towards Britain (where the money and two homies is) and chat up Lord British to advance the plot a little before promptly fucking off again because that's what Ultima's all about!

Unfortunately, parts of the land are locked off to Dave and Co. until we get some form of transport capable of going over the water. In previous Ultima games, this usually took the form of ships. Black Gate is little different, but ships are expensive and a tiny bit inflexible, in some ways. Besides which, LB will be giving us one soon enough, anyway.

: "So, where to now, brave leader?": "Don't think I can't tell sarcasm when I hear it, Iolo. But, to actually answer your question, seeing as we don't have a ship handy and we're pretty much at the ass-end of the mainland, our only real choice is to head north.": "Oh boy, does that mean we're going to see Britain?": "In due time, my plucky little buddy. In due time."

First, a minor detour.

We head to the east side of Trinsic. Remember how the guard said that side was the dock? Well, turns out that there's a ship there! Its the ship Gargan sells you. Inside a crate inside the hold (the square thing at the bottom of the ship) is a veritable bounty of fish what we will be pilfering.

: "Aah, I feel much better about our food situation, now.": "Are you sure Mr. Gargan isn't going to get mad about us stealing from what is technically his ship?": "Kid, have you ever seen that guy leave town? I doubt he'd even be out here before this crap goes bad. If anything, we're doing him a service.": "I guess you've got a point. Better than it going bad and making the whole ship stink.": "Oh god, not you, too."

Anywho, let's actually go north, now!

: "Yes, that is the proper direction to travel, Avatar.": "Ya know, you saying that is just tempting me to try and shanghai Gargan's ship just to go the exact opposite direction you tell me to go."

Up north of Trinsic, we come across a swamp and an odd collection of massive bones. They seem a little...out of place, don't they? Well, if they don't, they damn well should. Why? Well, let's try double-clicking on the head!

What's that? What just appeared there? Those, my friend, are bullets. Yes, as in gun musket bullets. Or sling bullets, but slings suck, so musket bullets. These are the only sources, of which I know, of musket rounds in the entire game. There are other outrcroppings of such bones across the world, and they supply a healthy stock of bullets. In fact, you can click all along the shaft and get even more ammo! This is good, because muskets are awesome. Aside from being one of the few instances of god damned firearms in an ostensibly sword-and-sorcery RPG, they do good damage, have respectable range, and their ammo is literally free of charge. I forget if the bones restock, I think they do, but I don't remember at what interval. The stack down on the ground is 52 rounds, and that's about average for the ammo bones. Alas, what they have in awesomeness and complete lack of cost, they make up for in weight. For some reason, bullets weigh significantly more than arrows or bolts. Not that it matters. Get one or two riflemen and the point becomes largely moot. Since he's got the most carrying capacity, we'll be handing the bullets to Spark.

: "Hooray!"

Alas, I had to (temporarily) enable hack mover to have Spark carry the 308 total rounds the bones gave me. Ya see, each stack of 100 bullets weighs a staggering 10 stones, which is a lot. All told, poor Spark's carrying roughly 31 stones (about 197kg) of ammunition. However, this is a lot of ammo, certainly more than enough to supply any one party member for most, if not all, of the adventure. Again, the bones are awesome.

A ways north, we finally come to Britain! We skip Paws entirely, for now, since there's a subquest that we can do, but I want to hold off until we at least get one or two more people so our party isn't so front-heavy with the XP.

Roughly in the centre of Britain is the tavern, The Blue Boar. Its as good a place as any to stop by, and look who we run into!

: "Yes, Avatar?" Shamino asks.: "Shaminooooooooo! How's it hangin? What have you been doing since I've been gone for apparently going on two centuries?": "I should hope 'twould be adventuring with thee! I am weary of loitering about Britain. There is much we could be accomplishing! Where hast thou been, anyway? But please tell me what brings thee here!": "Some red dude crashed my computer and a guy got ritually killed in Trinsic.": Shamino listens as you tell him the story. "I would be honored to join and help thee in investigating this matter.": "Good man! So, what have you been doing in Britain, recently?": "Yes, I have been in Britain as of late, attempting to find work. Thou dost know that adventuring comes around too infrequently. One must find -other- diversions. Which reminds me... I have thy pocketwatch.": "I was wondering where that thing went.": "Thou didst leave it when thou didst last visit Britannia. Here it is." Shamino hands you the pocketwatch.: "Killer. So, what uh...diversions were you talking about earlier?": "The usual. I do not see our old friends often, and Lord British rarely finds work for me. I certainly have no time for wenching or drinking -- I have grown up a bit.": "Ahem, I have heard something about an actress, no?" : "What dost thou know of it?": "Avatar, ask him about 'Amber'.": "Thou art a swine, Iolo.": "...Why are you embarrassed about having a girlfriend? I doubt this 'Amber' is much worse than most women in Britannia.": You see a light shine in Shamino's eyes as you mention her name. He is obviously smitten. "She is an actress I know.": "You're dating a freaking actress? Well hell, dude, congrats! Lucky bastard. Anywho, come on, we're gonna go beat the crap out of something in celebration!": Shamino looks relieved. "I am -so- glad thou didst ask me that." He gathers his gear and prepares to follow you.

Shamino joins up! Unfortunately, he's barely equipped, so we give him some of Spark's leftover crap.

Better! Shamino takes two stacks of ammo to relieve Spark's burden, the cup he tried to steal from the inn goes on a nearby table, the kid gets the slab of beef, and Iolo gets the money. No, Shamino is still not wearing any effing pants.

: "Shamino, why are you sitting, bare-ass, in the middle of a tavern...in effing public?": "Meth is a hell of a drug.": "What's meth?"

Prolly close to the character limit, so I'll wrap it up here. Next time, we'll be getting our other companion, maybe/maybe not talking to LB, and running the absolute biggest heist Britannia has ever. SEEN. Because, once again, fuck the police.

Before we get our next companion and make some sweet, sweet coin, Dave decides to hit up the tavern's storeroom at the side. The takings are meager, but we're taking them anyway because nobody eats except us.

With our loot thusly stored, the only thing in our way is a door. Now, we could take the time to pick the lock, but that's boring and chance-based. Plus, I really want to test out my shiny new fire sword.

Aah, that's better! Yes, indeed, some doors can indeed be bashed straight the hell down, just like some chests. Magically locked doors, alas, can't be broken, neither can metal ones. Some wood ones require more intense firepower than even a maxed-out Dave can bring to the battle, but something explosive enough should do the deal nicely.

In the western corner of town, we come across this large, but otherwise relatively nondescript building. What, or rather who, we want is on the inside.

: "You look vaguely familiar and I think we might be homies. Who are you?": "Thou dost not remember me? I am Sentri! We have gone adventuring together in the past!": "That's right! Sentri! How's it going? What have you been up to these past...uhm...two. hundred. years. ...": "...": "...": "...": "...": "...": "Yeah, sorry about that. Anyway, how's tricks?": "Considering I'm not dead, I think I'm doing good. When I am not adventuring with old friends, I am a trainer in Britain. I specialize in combat involving swordsmanship. I am quite good at that, as thou dost remember. But I would drop everything to join thy group if thou art not too encumbered.": "In due time. What friends we talking about, here?": "I do not see our old friends Iolo, Shamino, or Dupre much.": "Suspiciously discounting Janna, Seggallion, Gorn, Blaine, or freaking Sherry the talking god damned mouse.": "And nothing of Saduj.": "Nobody cares about Saduj. People do, however, generally kinda care about Iolo.": "How art thou, friend? Thou dost look like thou couldst use a little training thyself!": "What is this? Everyone doth make fun of my physique!": "Calm down, Tinker Bell. Sentri's the first guy to even bring it up.": "You could've asked me.": "And you'd have dissed him, but you do that to everyone.": "Point.": "I am not making fun, Iolo. I am serious!" Sentri laughs.: "Burnt! Anywho, now that we're all done poking fun at Iolo being old, how about we pick on Shamino, instead?": "Hey!": "Say, Shamino, art thou still spending thy time dressing in women's clothes?": "-What-?!?!": "Or art thou wasting away thy life in a healer's den, now that thou art in thy middle ages?": "Careful, friend. Those are fighting words!": Sentri punches Shamino good-naturedly. "And that is all they are, my dear friend. Words! 'Tis good to see thee!": "Holy shit. Okay, I don't even give a fuck about your stats, you're hired just for that alone, that was glorious. Oh, and have you heard where Dupre buggered off to, by any chance?": "I want to see that no-good trouble-maker! He is a knight now, I hear! Sir Dupre indeed!": "Damn. Aah, well, welcome to the crew, Sentri, its good to have you on board!": Sentri bows. "I am very pleased to join thy group."

: "Why the hell is nobody in fucking Britannia wearing any fucking pants?!": "The crew have gotten...weird, since you left.": "Fucking obviously!"

We also have Sentri's stats, next to Shamino's because I forgot to show his, last time. They are, for better and worse, pretty much identical. They have good dexterity and okay combat ratings, but they need some serious strength work. Thankfully, with Sentri in the party, I can get free training thru him. For free, you can use 1 training point to trade for 1 point of dex and, incidentally, one extra point of combat rating. Not a bad trade-off, but there's better and Sentri is better as a party member (and pack mule...and accomplice) than he is as a trainer. Actually, now's a fair point to properly talk about trainers and training in general.

Training

As your guys gain experience, they'll gain what's called "training points." Each level translates to 3 training points and, if memory serves, the level cap is either 8 or 9. Since most of your party members start at level 3 (minus Spark, since he's a kid with no prior combat experience), this means 15 total training points to spend on stats. Trainers take gold and a certain amount (usually 1-3) of training points in exchange for stat boosts. There's a special case, however: whenever a trainer boosts your dexterity, you get a free point of combat rating, per point of dexterity gained, as a no-cost bonus and this is in addition to any combat point boosts the trainer also gives as part of their regimen. This makes Chad in Moonglow a positive combat training monster: for 45 gold and 3 training points, he will give you +2 dex and a total of +5 to your combat rating. That's enough to turn a complete loser who couldn't hit the broad side of Castle British into someone who can actually do damage on the regular. Other good ones include Menion in Serpent's Hold, who gives +1 combat and +2 strength (3 TP) and Jillian in the Lycaeum who gives +1 to intelligence and magic (good for Dave, 2TP). A full listing and complete breakdown of who gives what, and at what cost, can be found here.

We return to our regularly-scheduled broadcast

Now, Sentri comes equipped with a spiked shield and a shitty, regular sword. In his pack, however, he has a vastly superior two-handed sword, so we equip him with that, toss the regular piece of crap somewhere and give Dave a shield upgrade. Also, notice all that pretty plate armour in the back room? Yeah, that's locked. But, not for effing long.

: "Hey, Sentri, mind if we borrow your stuff to help us in our quest to do...uh...things?": "Have at it. The key's in my dresser."

So it is! Sweet! A nearly full set of plate armour (the second best, just behind magic) and a two-handed sword are added to our coffers!

The lion's share goes to Dave because he needs the protection since, if he dies, we all get ported back to Paws which is a real pain in the ass, especially if I'm, say, looting a dungeon. Shamino gets the sword so his damage output is boosted and Sentri gets the helmet because Dave can't carry it because Dave is, for now, somewhat weak. That, however, will inevitably change. But, now is the time for...waiting. You see, our little heist is best done at night since there's fewer people around to bitch. Its around noon, so we're going to rest for a good 9 hours, giving us plenty of darkness to do...things.

See? A perfectly respectable time to start breaking and entering and committing various felonies!

We start off small-time, ripping off the local shipwright of his paltry sum of money. But, every little bit helps and Dave needs a lot of help.

Next, we stuff our shit into the hold of a nearby ship. Don't worry, this will all make sense soon, I promise.

: "Alright guys, have a smoke break. I'll be back in, like, an hour, tops.": "I've got the dominoes!"

In true form, Dave completely forgets that he needs something with which to bash open the display cases. Running quickly back as the boys are playing tiddly-winks, Dave retrieves the cheapest, most useless "weapon" he has in his arsenal: a torch.

There we go! Unfortunately, there's one caveat: no matter what, breaking a display case always summons guards. I managed to elude the first set that came after I cracked the gem store, but breaking the cases at the armourer summoned a horde of guards that, subsequently, blocked the exit and promptly caught Dave red-handed. Stripping him of his only goods (a torch), they toss him in prison.

: "Oh noes! I am totes suffering the punishment for my crimes."

: "Or not! Thanks, conveniently placed, semi-hidden lever!"

Unfortunately, the guards take us all the fucking way up to Yew. Fortunately, Dave is a crafty bastard and, sprinting through the woods, thoughts of soon-to-be-stolen goods running through his mind, he finally manages to get back to the guys.

: "Guess what you guys are accessories to!": "Oh god.": "If it makes you feel any better, the shipwright's an accessory, too.": "That does the exact opposite of help, Dave."

And we proceed to rob the jeweler and armoursmith blind! The loot isn't the best, but we can't break the literal (and metaphorical, but mostly literal) bank, just yet. For that, we need something a bit more...efficacious. We also need more carrying capacity, because we are running critically low. So, we need training! But, to get the good stuff, we need a way across that damned water! So, next time, we'll be finding a means of transport unconstrained by the laws of physics, with eight bucket seats to boot! Then, we can worry about the bigger fish: training, Dupre...and the Royal Britannian Mint.

While training is all well and good, we need to actually get to the good trainers -

: "I train for free, now!"

I said good trainers, Sentri, all you give is +1 Dex and an incidental +1 to Combat.

:

Hey, don't blame me! Origin is the one that made you suck! No, we need to get to Serpent's Hold and chat up a dude named Menion; for 45 gold and 3 training points a session, he'll give anyone we want a +2 to Strength and +1 to Combat, a perfectly respectable buff for a perfectly reasonable price. Strength is Ultima's most important stat, unless you're Dave, in which case, you've got, like, 3 important stats (Strength, Intelligence, and Magic). For everyone else, Strength gives extra hit points, more melee damage, and more carrying capacity. This translates to being able to kill more and cart more loot home, which is extremely useful.

But, we're one crucial thing away from being able to become good: transport. Serpent's Hold is all the way at the bottom of the map and is an island. Normally, that'd mean we'd need a ship, but I've got...other plans. Mostly because, aside from the hold, ships kinda...suck as transports, since they need a place to lower the gangplank effectively so you can even get off the damn thing. No, Dave is going to find something better...something much better. And also a bit buggier, but mostly better.

: "Okay, guys, I'm gonna take a snooze. All that thieving and running halfway across the continent made me tired. See ya in a few hours.": "Are you ever going to use a bedroll?": "Not if I can avoid it. Night!"

: "And so, the guard was all 'yarr, I'm going to take you to jail and take all your stuff and leave you to rot!' Little did he know that all I had on me was a torch and, of course, the idiots threw me in the one cell that had a wall-moving lever leading straight outside.": "Did you get your stuff back?": "What? The torch? Spark, I find torches absolutely god damned everywhere, plus, I've got magic that makes them effectively obsolete.": "I'd have taken it back on principle.": "You really need to stop influencing children, Dave.": "Oh, calm down, buttercup.": "Really, Iolo. Besides, its not like they're going to go all ancient Greece on him and force Dave to drink hemlock for corrupting the young.": "I dunno, Shamino. Last I heard, Lord British was still pissed off about the fast one you pulled with the Codex, last time you were here.": "The worst he'd do is death-poke me, and something tells me that I'd end up getting carted to a nearby hospital and brought back to life, anyway. I might just let him do it so he can relieve his frustrations. Clones aside, LB's a cool enough guy.": "I don't think LB needs help with the relief angle, Dave...": "...What?": "Nothing!":

: "What's your excuse?": "Excuse me?": "Crap, forgot that movies don't exist, here. What's your name?": "My name is Sean.": "Killer. So, what do you do around here?": "When not tending to Fellowship affairs, I am a jeweller here in Britain. If thou dost wish to buy something, say so!": "Certainly more friendly and less shifty than most other Fellowship members I've met, I'll give ya that. So, you're a jeweller?": "It is very delicate work. It requires a special touch that only a few have. Thou must know precisely how to handle precious materials. Only the finest of craftsmen become jewellers and they receive the highest compensation.": "I might have some of those 'precious materials' you're talking about...what kind are you talking about?": "I constantly require new materials with which to create my very special jewelry. I am always in the market to buy gems. If thou dost ever come across any, I am the man to come to if thou shouldst want to sell them and make money. Incidentally, I seem to have lost a great deal of my stock, recently.": "You buy gems? Well, shit on a biscuit! I just so happen to have come upon a small supply of the little, glittering buggers and need to turn them into something slightly more useful.": "Some of these gems look familiar...": "Many stones look the same, sir. In fact, I have two that are identical.": "I will pay thee 30 gold coins per gem. Is that price agreeable?": "You bet your ass it is, pony up!"

Aah, much better! We only had 6 gems, to that netted us 180 bucks, but that's 180 more than we had before, and that's what matters most. Besides, once we're able to hunt dragons, getting gems in mass amounts won't be no thang.

: "Wait...these are the gems that got stolen! GET THE HELL BACK HERE!": "Shit, cheese it!"

Dave quickly sprints north to evade the wrath of Sean the Jeweler, and bumps right into something useful: The Royal Museum! Why is a museum useful? Because its my fucking museum, that's why, and absolutely no one gets pissy if I raid it for whatever useful shit it happens to have in it that isn't either bolted down or weighing more than a sedan.

On the right-hand side, we've got two very important relics: a pair of swamp boots, and...a gun. A musket. Ohhhhh yes, we've finally got real firepower now, baby! Its base damage is 9, which is right between a regular bow ( 8 ) and a crossbow ( 10 ). Alas, it doesn't get the boon of magical ammunition, like the other two, but ammo is free, and it is also a gun.

: "Spark?": "Yes, Mr. Dave?": "I hereby bestow upon you a heady responsibility, but one for which I feel you are ready.": "Am I going to hold the gold, Mr. Dave?": "Better! Spark, I hereby bestow upon you...your first gun."

Sentri gets the swamp boots and Dave gets Spark's old shield, since he no longer needs it. We hold on to the defense sword in case we need to turn someone into a tank and because I'm a compulsive magical weapons hoarder. Now...now, we are ready to fight! Now, let's take a short wander northeast, shall we?

: "Dave?": "Sup?": "Where the hell are we going?": "Somewhere important.": "Care to let the rest of the class in on your plan?": "Not really."

: "Anyone else get a taste of the gremlin-butter?": "Yeah, it tasted...weird. Kinda gamey."

Which, for reference, is around this area. The magic carpet is awesome. Not only does it have enough seating for a full party, but its fast and can go damn near anywhere, by virtue of the fact that it freaking flies. Its only downside is that, occasionally, it'll crash the game for no reason. However, now that we've got it, we can go pretty much anywhere we want, the world has officially been completely opened up. Now that the kid's got a gun, we've got some better ranged DPS, since Iolo isn't doing all the work -

: "About damned time, too."

Which will help us out in the long run. You really don't want tonnes of people wading into melee, since it tends to make fights a bit of a jumbled mess. For a max party of 8 members, you typically want, at minimum, 3 people killing at range. Shamino and Iolo are pretty much built for it, and Spark can get good without much hassle. Though we may get plenty of absurdly powerful melee weapons in the relatively near future, it is always best to have some people fighting at a distance. Just be careful with Iolo and the triple crossbow, because if he misses, he can hit you with it, and the triple crossbow is a 28-damage murder machine matched only by certain magical weapons and freaking explosives (as well as cannons). I try to only give him one once his Combat rating is in the mid 20s, so as to minimize the risk of Dave (or some other unlucky sap) getting murderized by accident when we're trying to kill a headless or something. Oh, and never let Shamino use burst arrows. He can, and will, kill you with the splash damage.

Next time, Dave goes on a looting/recruiting spree as we prepare to take on the expansion before we're even really ready! There's only one really combat-laden part to it, so its not a huge problem, and it grants Dave max stats (including double max strength) as well as the single most powerful weapon to ever exist. But, before that, there's plenty of little treasure coves around the world that we can loot for monies and good gear! Trust me when I say, dis gon be gud.

Apologies for the lengthy delay. University ate up a tonne of my time, so I really haven't had a chance to get back into this or much else, besides. Anywho, let's get a-moving, shall we?

: "Where are we going, now, Mr. Dave?": "Glad you asked that question, kid. We're going to be heading south. We need a heavy-hitter, and someone to carry a bunch of luggage.": "I'm not sure if I have a good or bad feeling about this...": "Quit yer bitchin and get on the magic, flying carpet with eight convenient bucket seats, already!"

And like that, we're airborne! Of course, the magic carpet comes with a few caveats...

Don't put containers or hackmove anything like a cannon on to it. It might look cool, but believe me, you can crash the game harder than ever with that kinda shit.

Save often. This should go without saying, but carpet travel in Ultima VII can be a bit...crashy. I recommend Exult's quicksave (Ctrl+S, methinks) feature to minimize that amount of time you spend in menus.

It can only hold eight party members. Since the game's max is eight naturally, this isn't really a problem unless you use the F2 menu to alter someone's brain and make them a member of the party. The carpet needs all party members seated before it'll take off.

: "And, just like that, we're in Jhelom in a matter of minutes!": "I'm still slightly dumbfounded by how easy this thing was to find...": "Why Jhelom, and why a bar?": "Jhelom is where all the knights are, and a bar is the best place to get a drink.": "Ohhhh, I think I get it...": "I'm still lost..."

: "That is why we're here.": "That drunk guy?"

: "Good god damn, I'm bored..."

: "Buddyyyyyyyyy! What you been doin since I last stopped by?": "I have not seen our old friends in some time. Currently I am conducting a study of all of the various drinking establishments of Britannia. At present I am about halfway through. But it is nothing that could keep me from adventuring with thee, Dave.": "So, wandering the world and getting hammered, basically?": "I think you meant to say 'business as usual,' Dave.": "What he said.": "Pretty much.": "Also, what friends are we talking about, here? The ones that follow us around and haul my loot, or the kind you can only find in Buccaneer's Den?": "Yes.": "Smartass.": "Our old friends -- Iolo and Shamino.": "I don't think you'd find Iolo in a brothel, what with him being married, and all.": "Avatar, there is a strange old man following thee, and he bears a vague resemblance to Iolo! It is most odd.": "Why's everybody always picking on me?": "Because no one likes you, monkey boy.": "I am so lost, right now.": "Earth humour. Anywho, what about Shamino?": Sir Dupre snorts, "From what I had heard Shamino was all but settled down and retired from the adventuring life.": "I still have a few wild oats left to sow, thank thee very much.": "Then it is good to see another member of our old sowing circle once again!": "I think you guys set some kinda innuendo record, there. Anyway, you wanna join up?": "Dear sweet god, yes.": "That boring?": "You have no idea."

: "Let's take this world to the cleaners!": "I call shotgun!": "Damn it..."

Heading slightly to the north, barely any journey at all, and we come across a completely nondescript island with some totally innocuous sheep on it.

: "Maybe...too nondescript!"

Well, let's see...

Oh...oh my. Heading just to the left into the mountains (there's a small dirt path leading into a false side of said mountain), we find a room...a room with a gun! And 25 bullets. And a veritable fucking bounty of cold, hard cash. Let's take inventory, shall we?

1 musket

25 bullets

Leather gloves and boots (hidden in the drawers), which go to Dupre

1 pot of flaming oil (eh)

9 gold bars

400 gold

1 gold nugget

10 black pearls

One of each ring: protection, invisibility, and regeneration

A chain coif, which goes to Dave

A smokebomb (somewhat useful for a quest)

A smattering of other shit that's largely useless (you can't sell the amulets and they aren't magical)

The deeds to no less than three ships, one for each Minoc, New Magincia, and Trinsic

A very good haul. All totaled, that's $1,310 in hard assets, plus extra weaponry that we can have on-hand in case we need it. We barely moved 20 feet, and already we're over a grand further in the black. Britannia has some exceptionally good treasure spots. We are, eventually, going to raid absolutely fucking all of them for money, weapons, food, and anything else we can use to either fund, fuel, or advance our campaign until there is absolutely nothing that can stand in the way of Dave and Company.

Going to the southeast, we find this little hideaway in the mountains. I wonder what we got here?

: "Okay, boys, you know the drill! If they attack us, kill 'em! Take everything that's nailed down and even shit that isn't! Let's do this!": "Chargeeeeeeee!"

Not a gigantic haul, but not bad. This place would be a good base of operations were it not for one little thing: the pirate(s) and wizard(s) respawn. Getting into a fight whenever I want to get a little folding money is not my idea of a good hideout. I'll see if one of the nearby, smaller islands would be a good place to setup our little stash, later. In fact, its good practice in both this game and Serpent Isle to setup a place to store your goods; in SI, you get access to one fairly early on that's got tonnes of space for crates, chests, and the like. In Black Gate, you have to get a bit more...creative. Still, Dave's a clever enough fellow...

: "I dunno about that..."

And I'm sure that he'll find a place to stash all our ill-begotten wares!

: "Whelp, I'm at a loss.": "That didn't take long.": "We could find a place to stash all our crap.": "Perhaps pick up another person to join our merry band of misfits and adolescents?": "We could go to Buccaneer's Den and get laid.": "I'unno, guys...it feels like I'm missing something.": "Exactly, you're missing women and wine.": "Mandrake really had an effect on your life, didn't he?": "What can I say? His Virtues are a lot less boring.": "I've got it!": "Oh boy, this is gonna be fun!": "Oh god.": "I've got enough money to buy enough booze to kill everyone present -": "*ahem*": " - sans Dupre, of course.": "Thank you.": "No, what I'm really missing...is personal power. Where we go and how we do?": "There's that new island that cropped up outta nowhere a while back. Been causing a lot of earthquakes.": "Still need to find out who's responsible for that...": "One made you drop your drink, didn't it?": "Two drinks, I'll have you know. I was having a drinking contest with one of the duelists here, and one of those earthquakes struck and I had to pay for more beer!": "You poor thing.": "Bite me, Iolo.": "Wait...there's a random island that's popped up out of nowhere and nobody told me?! What the shit, you guys?! I thought you were my friends!": "We knew you'd hurry off there, right away, and get us all killed.": "I would not!": "...Yes, you would.": "Yeah, I would. Anywho, let's get rolling, then!"

Yes! Its that time, at last! Dave and Co. shall tackle the Isle of Fire and the Forge of Virtue expansion! Why? Because it gives Dave max stats -

: "I am literally erect at the thought."

Ew. And, also gives him access to the most ungodly powerful weapon in the entire game. The Isle of Fire contains the tests of Truth, Love, and Courage. Truth is trivial (seriously, its the single most stupidly easy dungeon to ever exist), Love's only real danger is it taking time, and Courage is actually dangerous...of course, behind the doors of Courage lies the path we must take to make said ultimate weapon, so we'll have to brave it, by being total pussies and using plenty of explosives and spells, at the end. Anyways, let's get to moving!

Spark gives us this helpful tip that a magical island raised from the depths of the ocean by a crazy, blind, elderly wizard might be a little unstable and also nearby. Hey, kid's not technically wrong.

: "This place is lookin' awful familiar...": "So, I'm not the only one getting a weird sense of deja vu, then? That's a relief."

Indeed, the Isle of Fire is something from the Avatar's (and, thus, Dave's) past; more on that, later. As it stands, its got three shrines to the Three Principles with three tests, one per shrine. Each one raises a primary stat, and the secondary to which its linked, to maximum upon completion.

The moongates to the left and right go to Love and Courage, respectively. However, we have chosen to tackle Truth, first since, as I stated earlier, it is dirt simple to solve.

: "Greeting to thee. I am the keeper of Truth. Dost thou seek the wisdom and boon of Truth?": "Along with whatever power it happens to give me, yes.": "'Very well. Prepare thyself.' The voice falls silent.": "Well, that wasn't ominous or anything."

We're sent to a dirty cave somewhere in the mountains around this place. No matter what you do, don't go to the centre of the room to our left. It is trapped to hell and back. Take a clue from the corpse sitting there and avoid the hell out of it. Instead, let's go around the top of the room, and make our way to the next hall.

: "A hat, how suspicious. Let's go poking around..."

: "What in the hell?": "Well, they say the Truth is often simple and hiding in plain sight...": "Now is not the time to be profound, Dave."

Heading straight north of the cowl, we find an illusory wall. Walk right thru it...

Through the bend...

Over the river and through the woods, and I got the damn thing! Pick up the blue wedge on the pedestal and get teleported back! Keep a hold of the wedge, though; we'll need it to finish the quest chain.

: "I barely broke a sweat. In fact, I didn't break a sweat.": "Mr. Dave, is it weird that I am the exact opposite of comforted by the ease with which we completed this task?": "No, that's about par for the course."

Statue dude boosts our "powers" in payment for beating this absurdly simple non-puzzle non-dungeon. But, what power did he grant us...?

Maxed out intelligent and magic, baby! Dave is now a full-blown caster. Given a few levels' experience, and he'll be able to blast people to hell and back. As it stands, he can only use 3rd circle spells, but his reserves are such that he can cast them quite a bit before needing a breather.

: "I am now smarter than all of you combined! HAHAHAHAAA! THE POWER IS MINE!": "You still can't cast anything bigger than a fireball, Dave. Calm down.": : "Iolo, you're just bitter because Dave can still use magic, unlike the rest of us.": "Am not!": "I seem to recall someone bemoaning that very fact on the carpet ride to Jhelom.": : "Oh, screw all of you!"

Well, that was utterly boring and uneventful. Anywho, next time, Dave will learn what Love is and maybe, along the way, find Courage to stand up to a dragon...or, maybe just take a glass sword to his face and make a weapon that may, or may not, house a greater daemon I can use to kill almost literally anything on the planet. Oh, and Dave will become all but unstoppable (unless, say, a liche gets a death bolt off on his face) by the end of all this.