Let me start off by saying these tales are for the vain and the selfish. It will be for all the assholes, the dickheads, and the women degrading egomaniacs to enjoy. And of course, for the ladies that want to know what men really think of them... the same women who will end up strongly considering becoming lesbians.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

2 Days, 7 Trips, and 12 Minutes in Heaven

DAY TWO - PART 1

Waking up with a hangover was never a problem for me. After a couple times, like anything else, you get used to it. The sunlight woke me up as it shined like the flames of hell on my face at around eight in the morning. I sat up on the couch and saw that Jack had left his pack of cigarettes, so naturally I took one out and lit it. I looked around for the bottle of whiskey, but gave up when I found a can of beer that was half full. I was still a bit shaky from the night before and was considering staying at home all day. The chances of finding the brunette were slim to none, but then again, I am a gambler. I finished my cigarette and what was left in the beer can, and got up to get ready to start the search. It was going to be a long day, and I was going to need a lot of liquor.

After getting ready I decided to skip breakfast and head out to the liquor store first. I was either nervous, or just too hung over to stomach food. I got in my car, shuffled my feet through a few empty bottles to get to pedals, put the key in the ignition and sat back. I felt nauseous so I got out of the car and lit a cigarette. The first puff hit the back of my throat awkwardly, which forced me to vomit behind the back tire. I took a few more puffs after, got in the car, and headed to the liquor store. When I pulled into the parking lot I drove cautiously, just in case any more crazy women decided to yell at me. I could handle them after a few drinks, but being hung over early in the morning, I just might snap.“Good morning,” said the same elderly cashier from the night before.“What did you do, sleep here?”“I work here fulltime.”“Your parents must be real proud of you,” I said, as I walked quickly towards the whiskey aisle. I grabbed a bottle of Jameson and looked over and saw the kid that helped me carry my beers. “The beers were fine, none of them exploded,” I said. “Oh, ok.”“I told my friend you shook them up, but he didn’t believe me.”“I didn’t shake them, sir.”“I know you didn’t. I just told him you did.”“Oh, ok.”“You don’t talk much, do you?”“No.”“Maybe you should have a drink, that way you won’t be such a stiff. Grab one of these cases and head to the backroom.”“I’m supposed to put all the cases on display for the customers.”“What are you, retarded?”“No.”“You mean no, sir?” I said, before taking the bottle of whiskey to the cashier. “That kid you guys got working back there is full of problems.”“What do you mean?”“He’s an incompetent. He doesn’t know his shit from his piss. He’ll never make it.”“Like I told you yesterday, sir, he’s new.”“You should get a young broad to work back there. I mean, what do you do all day? You just stand up here and look around, if you can even see. At least with a nice little blond or something, bending over every few minutes to lift the beer up, you’d have something to stare at.”“Is that all, sir?”“Yeah, whatever, see you later gramps. Make sure this place has a retirement fund, or you’ll be fucked.” I walked out and over to my car and put the bottle of whiskey on the passenger seat. As I was about to get in, I saw a woman out of the corner of my eye. I looked closer and saw it was the same woman who screamed at me the night before. What is this, Groundhog Day? I got in and honked before pulling out. She looked over and immediately recognized me.“It’s you! You evil man! Drinking again, of course!”“Get in baby, lets go for a ride!”“I’m phoning the police!”“Good, maybe they can help you find your medication, you crazy bitch!” I yelled, as I sped out of the parking lot.

I drove to a lake that wasn’t far from the liquor store to have some whiskey and get back to normal. There was a bench that I could sit on and watch the ducks swim around, clueless to the cruelty that us humans face in our day to day lives. There were people running around the lake who were probably wondering why I was sitting there at nine in the morning with a bottle of Jameson. It didn’t bother me though, because at the same time I was wondering why there were people running around the lake at nine in the morning. After half the bottle and a few cigarettes I was feeling good again. I decided it was time to go to the grocery store-the big one-and see if the brunette was there. I got up off the bench and started walking towards my car. On the way over, I managed to step out in front of a woman running which caused her to trip over my foot.“Watch it asshole!” the woman yelled from the ground. “Didn’t you see me coming? What are you, blind?”“Whoa, calm down,” I said. I bent down to help her up. For a second, I was hoping it was the brunette from the liquor store, but after re-thinking it, I was still too sober to deal with that. “Are you OK?” I asked. She looked up at my face and just my luck, it was the brunette. “Oh, it’s you again,” she said. “Shouldn’t you be at a liquor store, buying, what was it again, some rum? No, wait, it was whiskey; you asshole.” I smiled and held up the bottle of Jameson. “Want some breakfast?” I asked.“Are you kidding me? Why are you drinking this early? Didn’t you get enough yesterday?”“I’m on holidays. I just came down here to feed the ducks and I thought a couple drinks would be nice to have.”“It’s not even ten o’ clock. Who the hell drinks this early?”“You’ve never heard of drinking alcohol to cure a hangover?”“Oh, I guess. So, you’re drinking off a hangover, then you’re going to be drunk again and wakeup tomorrow and need to drink off another hangover.”“Story of my life.”“That’s disgusting.”“I’m kidding. I don’t do this often. Like I said, I’m on holidays.”“Well then why don’t you go somewhere? Go camping, go to the beach, do something instead of drinking alone at a park.”“I’m not alone,” I said, winking at her.“You were a real asshole yesterday, you know that?”“I had a few too many drinks.”“Just a few?”“Honestly, I lost count. You know, you weren’t a real pleasure to be around yesterday either.”“How so? I was polite up until you said you cherish alcohol over women.”“There’s a fine line between alcohol and women.”“What do you mean?”“They can both either make you feel really good, or make you feel like a piece of shit.”“That’s an odd way of looking at it.”“Well, you see, I’ll be drinking and feel great, then I’ll wakeup the next day and feel like shit. With women, we’ll fuck and I’ll feel great, then I’ll wakeup the next day and feel like a piece of shit for wanting to get the hell out of there. I can’t win.”“That’s horrible.”“Of course it is. I should get to win sometimes. I’m glad you agree.”“No, your whole view on women is horrible. Did you ever think that maybe we want you to leave in the morning?”“Come on now, don’t bullshit me.”“I’m serious. There’s been tons of times where a guy’s stayed around in my apartment the next day; eating all my food, watching TV, making a mess everywhere. I just wanted to tell him to get the hell out. I got what I needed, so it’s time to piss off.”“You’re a lot different than I thought.”“In what way?”“You’re just a cruel, evil bitch.”“Excuse me!?”“Don’t get me wrong, I love it. You’re the goods babe.” She laughed. “You like the bad girls, huh?”“Don’t get me excited now, darling. OK, I’m kidding, talk dirty to me.”“You’re trouble, I can tell already.”“You don’t know the half of it.”“But, I should get going,” she said. “Hold on a second. Are you still going to that barbeque tonight? I was thinking, since we seem to be getting along a lot better than yesterday, maybe we could get together tonight?”“Get together with you? Is that some kind of sick joke?”“What?”“I’m kidding! Look at your face, you look like someone just told you there’s no more alcohol in the world.”“Trust me, if someone told me that, I’d be diving off the nearest bridge.”“You definitely would,” she said, laughing. “I do have to go to the barbeque though, unfortunately.”“There’s no way out of it?”“Well, there could be. I’m only going because I promised a girlfriend I’d go with her.”“How bout’ you ladies come over to my place, and I’ll call a friend. We can have our own barbeque.”“That could work.”“Of course it could. Here, take my address, and come by around eight.” I took a pencil out of my pocket and ripped the Jameson label off to write the address on.“I know this area,” she said, while reading the address. “My friend lives right around there.”“Good, then both of you can have some drinks and not worry about driving home later; you can just walk to her house.”“Remember, I don’t drink that often, so I probably won’t be having too much.”“I don’t drink that often either,” I said, before taking a sip of whiskey.“Of course you don’t, and anyone who says otherwise, must be out of their mind,” she said sarcastically. We both laughed and said our goodbyes and she continued to run as I walked over to my car and headed home.

The minute I got home I made myself a drink; Jameson and ginger ale. After a couple sips I lit a cigarette and picked up the phone to give Jack the good news.“Yeah,” he answered.“Jack, I got good news.”“I’m getting laid tonight?”“We’re both getting laid tonight; at my house.”“I told you, man, I’m not gay. I’m not fucking you.”“You wish you could fuck me.” He laughed. “Did you find the brunette or something, man?”“Yeah, I was at the lake having a few drinks and I saw her running.”“Why was she running?”“I’m not sure. There was a bunch of people running around the lake.”“Why were they running around the lake?”“Apparently they enjoy it in the morning.”“That’s not right.”“I know, but, you should have seen her tits bounce as she ran.”“I can imagine, man. So are you seeing her tonight? Are we going to double team her?”“She’s coming over at eight, and she’s bringing a friend.”“It’s not going to be another demented beast like that last girl you brought out for me, is it?”“I sure hope so; that was hilarious.”“Son of a bitch.”“She’ll be fine. Don’t worry, with the way this broad looks, I guarantee her friend will be just as good.”“And if she isn’t?”“Then you can go home and jerk off.”“Whatever, man. Are we going to the bar soon to get started? You know I won’t go into the lions den if I’m sober.”“I’m already ahead of you. Let’s just go to the liquor store and head back to my place.”“That’s fine by me, man. You’re paying, right?”“I’m going to pay for your liquor and get you pussy? Why the fuck would I do that?”“How about this, I’ll buy the liquor and if the broad is up to my standards, we’re even. But, if she looks like something you’d want to hunt, you’re paying me back; for my booze too.”“Sounds good.”“OK, pick me up on the way back from the liquor store then.”“So I’m a cab now too? I’m a bartender, a pimp, and a fucking cab driver for you? Use those gangly legs and walk your ass to my house.”“Whatever, man. I’ll leave in half an hour, if you’re not back by the time I get to your house, I’m going in through the window again.”“Suit yourself.” I hung up and finished my drink. Here I go; trip number five.

I decided to go to a different liquor store. It was a bit further than the one I usually went to, but I thought it was best to avoid crazy women and old filthy men still working as cashiers. As I walked up to the front door there was a man with a dog begging for change.“Spare any change, sir?”“For some liquor?” I asked.“No, sir, not for liquor, I need food.”“Ah, well, I can’t help you there. If you said it was for booze, I would’ve thrown you twenty bucks. But, oh well.” I walked inside as the man stared at me. “You’ve got to get rid of these fucking rats,” I said to a clerk by the front door. “Look at him; just take a broom and go sweep him away. Beat him with the handle if you have to.”“As long as he’s a few meters away from the door, he’s allowed to stay there.”“What a joke.”“It is what it is.” I walked past the whiskey aisle this time and picked up a case of Kokanee. On the way to the cashier I saw a stack of boxed wine, so naturally I picked one up.“Just the beer and the wine, sir?” said the cashier, a decent looking blond.“That depends, what else are you offering?”“Um, we have some chocolates there behind you.”“That’s not what I meant, hunny.”“I’m sorry I don’t quite follow.”“Cute, real cute. Yes, just the wine and the beer for now.” I gave her some money. “I’ll be back for you later.” Walking towards the front door I could see the man with the dog waiting for me so I turned around.“Is there another exit?” I asked the cashier.“Yes, just on the other side of the wine racks over there,” she pointed. I quickly walked through the doors and noticed the man and his dog coming towards me. I picked up the pace and made it to my car and threw the alcohol in the back seat. “Get the fuck away from me!” I yelled, as the man and his dog were closing in on my car.“You have some change, I know you do! I don’t need food, I never need food. Please, I need liquor! I need the twenty dollars for liquor!”“You had your chance you rat bastard!” I started the car and reversed as fast as possible. I sped out of the parking lot and drove over what I thought was a large speed bump.”“You hit my dog! You mother fucker! You killed my dog you murderer!” he screamed. I could see a couple people gathering around the dog as the man ran after me, yelling at the top of his lungs. I lit a cigarette, turned the radio on full blast, ignored the situation and kept driving. It was going to be a good night.

When I got home I saw Jack sitting on the front steps having a cigarette. He was wearing a nice button up shirt, dress pants, and leather shoes. “What’s with the fancy clothes?” I asked, as I stepped out of the car.“You locked the window on purpose, didn’t you?”“I would never do that.”“You’re such an asshole sometimes, man.”“I forgot to open it. I’m drunk, give me a break.”“You’re always drunk, man.”“If God didn’t want me to drink, he would get rid of alcohol.”“Well, God wants me to drink too, so let’s get the fuck inside.” We walked into the living room and I handed Jack a beer and poured the rest of the Jameson into a glass for myself.“So, what’s with the clothes? You think you’re going to get lucky tonight?”“I wanted to look nice. If they’re as hot as you say they are, you better put on some nice clothes as well man.”“Fuck them. They can take me as I am.”“Are you at least going to shower?”“It crossed my mind.”“Do you want to get laid tonight or not?”“Well, I did. But after all this whiskey, I’d be satisfied just sitting here, finishing all the beer and wine.”“We’ll be finishing everything anyways.”“You make a good point, Jack. Hopefully I’ll be able to get my dick up later.”“That depends, man.”“On what?”“How many liquor store runs we make before the women get here.”“Another good point.”“I’m full of good information when I’m sober.”“We all are. Don’t think you’re special or anything.”

After a few hours of drinking and mindless conversation we finished all the beer and were halfway through the box of wine. I was feeling good but Jack looked like he was getting a bit drowsy.“You alright?” I asked.“Yeah, man. This wine is just putting me to sleep.”“We need some whiskey. That should wake us up.”“You’re tired too?”“That should wake you up, I mean. I just want some whiskey.”“You get the whiskey while I lay down here. I need at least thirty minutes, man.”“I’ll drive to get it, but, I think you’re forgetting the deal.” He pulled out his wallet and gave me more than enough money for a bottle of Jameson.“Get a couple packs too,” he said.“What brand?”“The cheapest they got, man.”“Atta boy.” As I was driving to the liquor store I felt the car swerving a bit. It was the sixth trip in two days and I really started feeling the effects. I had to go quite a distance this time since I wasn’t able to go to the two liquor stores closest to my house. Crazy women, old men, and now a dead dog; it was a hell of a weekend. I made it safely to a cold beer and wine store just outside of town, got in, grabbed a bottle of Jameson and a few packs of cigarettes, and got out within a few minutes. The area was deserted, which was probably a good thing. I had a few smokes on the drive back and came close to hitting a couple parked cars, but eventually made it back to my house in one piece. “Wake up!” I yelled, as I walked through the front door. “Jack, get your ass up, the whiskey is here.” He didn’t move. I saw a pile of vomit beside the couch he was laying on.“You sick bastard!” I screamed, before putting my fist into his stomach.“Ah, fuck! What the fuck are you doing man? You’ll make me puke again!” “If I see anymore come out you’re eating it you son of a bitch!”“Chill out, man! I’ll clean it up.” He stood up and staggered into the kitchen to get some paper towel.“We’ve barely had anything today,” I said. “Get it together.”“Not everyone’s a drinking machine like you, man,” he said from the kitchen. “Where’s the paper towel?”“Behind the sink. Get me a glass while you’re in there. Look at this shit, you filthy bastard.” He walked back into the living room with a glass and some paper towel. “It happened while I was sleeping, man. One minute I was fine, caught in a deep sleep, the next I was bent over the edge of the couch.”“And you didn’t think to clean it then? We got women coming here; what do you think they’d say if they walked in to a pile of puke and piss in the living room?”“There’s no piss, but I see what you’re saying.”“ Just clean it up.”“I’m cleaning it man, chill out. It’ll be like it never happened. They won’t even be here for another few hours anyways.” I sat down and poured a glass of Jameson and ginger ale.“You’re lucky I got some whiskey,” I said. “I don’t think beer would have done it. That’s not something you want to walk into when a couple broads are coming over.”“I know, man. Here, look, it’s clean,” he said as he finished wiping the floor.“It still smells like a pig’s asshole. Get some of that spray from the bathroom and spray it around.” After spraying the whole upstairs with a lemon scent he sat down and poured himself a drink. “That’s the most work I’ve done all week,” he said.“You lazy fuck.”“You’re one to talk. You don’t even work, man.”“I have a fulltime job.”“Yeah, but you don’t do anything there.”“Why should I work if I don’t have to?”“I’m not saying you should work, I’m just saying we’re both lazy pieces of shit.”“Amen.” “So, did you get the smokes?” he asked. I pulled three packs out of the bag and threw them on the table. He sat up and opened one of the packs and tossed a cigarette at me.“Now we can relax,” he said. We finished our drinks and smoked in silence for a bit. It was nice to be able to sit with someone and drink without having to talk. Only a few people that I know are able to do it comfortably, the rest just bore me with constant conversation. Most of the time I’m not even paying attention.