And you are all wise. I shall take all of this advice into consideration and work on having a conversation with him. Things seem good with him now. We went to dinner in the next town over last night and had a really good time. The food was really weird (I had a vegetable ragout that was served in a bowl with curry flavored french fries?) so we had a fun time talking about it. Anyway, no further updates at the moment.

_________________But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua

Now y'all are making me worried about how my gf's dynamics with me have totally changed since she's gotten so stressed at work. She said she's not been this depressed over stress in at least 5 years, so I've been patient about it, but its not really much that can be done til she gets out of her funk, and she won't get out of her funk til she gets a new job.

She's actually getting closer to getting out, but then I get worried that it will have permanently changed our dynamics. But it may just be that it moves so slowly since its long distance, so a bad mood interaction doesn't end at the end of the day, it sort of flavors til the next time I see her. And she is the crankiest right before leaving, because that's when going back to work becomes real.

Its not like its super bad or anything, I've just lost the giddiness I had about seeing her since she's been so stressed because she just doesn't seem as open. But I'd never had that giddiness to that level before, so I don't know. I just miss that excitement, and hope it can be reclaimed and hasn't been lost forevers. I'm being patient, because she was patient with me when I wasn't ready for much of the dating thing yet.

_________________Evolved a vascular system, so I went from bryophyte to lycophyte.

You know when people put "It's Complicated" as their relationship status...well that's me. And I don't know how to get out of it, or if I really want it to end, or anything. It's just so head boggling confusing and sometimes it makes me so sad because I'll never have a real relationship while I'm in this situation, but what I have works to meet both mine and his needs financially and physically in so that we take care of each other food and environmental wise only. We're not romantic at all. He calls me his platonic wife. Our finances are tied up like we are married. We have deep routines for our daily life that work. I just miss that emotional side of things. I want those things. And this isn't even the half of it. It sucks.

_________________~Sweet songs the youth, the wise, the meeting of all wisdom. To believe in the good in man.

Allularpunk, I just wanted to say that the beginning of a relationship is when a lot of patterns get set that are then really hard to shift. Your manfriend is acting like he has the right to make decisions about your relationship unilaterally and he is treating you like you have nothing at stake with your ex, when you still share a dog and are working out bills that he had in your name and didn't pay. You have at least as much reason to want the conversation with your ex to go smoothly, and you know your ex so you know how to manage him.* Its also problematic that he runs off and leaves you at a bar and is in communication only to punish you. None of these are deal breakers, but they are things that you should ask yourself if you want to tolerate. If you don't, find a good time to have the conversation. My husband used to storm off when we would fight, but finally agreed that it is basically emotional blackmail to just take off, so he doesn't do that any longer. And the unilateral decision-making is still one of our big points of frustration, so if you can address it early, it will save you a lot of frustration. :)

* (not that you should have to and it sucks that even after you are broken up, he is still holding you hostage with his temper tantrums and instability).

Tofulish is very wise. My experiences are very like hers; so many patterns and dynamics are established in the first 6 months of a relationship. I actually think it is even more important to nip these things in the bud than most other things, if you want something to last and be harmonic and awesome. Most people have emotional patterns that could be more constructive, and if you don't talk about it honestly from the beginning, it can usually ends up being a much bigger problem later on.

Tofulish and Smoothie are worth listening to. You need to have another conversation before the shiitake hits the fan again. What happens if someone sees you again? Will you be a secret forever? The true test of a relationship is when things are hard or there are conflict. Good sex, happy days, and clear skies are easy-peasy.

You might want to take some time alone to think about things.

_________________A whole lot of access and privilege goes into being sanctimonious pricks J-DubDessert is currently a big bowl of sanctimonious, passive aggressive vegan enduced boak. FezzaYou people are way less funny than Pandacookie. Sucks to be you.-interrobang?!

I have to break up with someone I'm not even dating because I can see it going that way and I think she may be assuming it's already a thing :( I hate that I have to be the bad guy, and that I didn't nip this in the bud sooner because I like her :((((

augh, I'm just sad, I thought I was doing way better emotionally/psychologically to the degree that I could maybe handle a relationship but I just cannot be anything other than friends with anyone right now.

blehhhhhh.

really sad/defeated re: my capacity to be open and trusting.

_________________Space has stared into the tiny syrup holes of our shame and it does not judge us. - Amandabear

Now y'all are making me worried about how my gf's dynamics with me have totally changed since she's gotten so stressed at work. She said she's not been this depressed over stress in at least 5 years, so I've been patient about it, but its not really much that can be done til she gets out of her funk, and she won't get out of her funk til she gets a new job.

She's actually getting closer to getting out, but then I get worried that it will have permanently changed our dynamics. But it may just be that it moves so slowly since its long distance, so a bad mood interaction doesn't end at the end of the day, it sort of flavors til the next time I see her. And she is the crankiest right before leaving, because that's when going back to work becomes real.

Its not like its super bad or anything, I've just lost the giddiness I had about seeing her since she's been so stressed because she just doesn't seem as open. But I'd never had that giddiness to that level before, so I don't know. I just miss that excitement, and hope it can be reclaimed and hasn't been lost forevers. I'm being patient, because she was patient with me when I wasn't ready for much of the dating thing yet.

i'm sorry you're on the receiving end of all this, lycophyte. i remember when my spouse was going through this - a few years back he was working a 12+ hour a day job and was absolutely miserable. i wasn't the most supportive, which totally didn't help the situation. i hope it doesn't permanently change your dynamics too drastically in a craptastical way. i think in some way it will change things for the both of you, but hopefully it will end of being a positive change, even if it doesn't seem like one now. i remember things really shifted in our relationship throughout that time in his life, and he finally changed careers and is sooo much happier - he loves what he does and it makes life much more awesome for the both of us. but reading what you posted made me a bit sadfaced because now i'm in a job that makes me miserable and it's causing a lot of stress on our relationship - i'm stuck in a funk, big time. i love what i do, but my workplace is toxic and your post made me realize how it might be for my spouse being on the other end of my stress 'n sadness. thank you for the insight and perspective, lycophyte.

i hope you get the excitement back and i hope your relationship makes it back to awesome before ya know it. it makes me happyfaced you're being patient, and i bet your lady appreciates it, too - even if she's not communicating that with you right now.

I have to break up with someone I'm not even dating because I can see it going that way and I think she may be assuming it's already a thing :( I hate that I have to be the bad guy, and that I didn't nip this in the bud sooner because I like her :((((

augh, I'm just sad, I thought I was doing way better emotionally/psychologically to the degree that I could maybe handle a relationship but I just cannot be anything other than friends with anyone right now.

blehhhhhh.

really sad/defeated re: my capacity to be open and trusting.

Hey you, what happened to the "enjoy a happy-time fling" thing! Remember that? Just enjoy each other and have fun and don't worry about the end?

_________________Evolved a vascular system, so I went from bryophyte to lycophyte.

. i love what i do, but my workplace is toxic and your post made me realize how it might be for my spouse being on the other end of my stress 'n sadness. thank you for the insight and perspective, lycophyte.

i hope you get the excitement back and i hope your relationship makes it back to awesome before ya know it. it makes me happyfaced you're being patient, and i bet your lady appreciates it, too - even if she's not communicating that with you right now.

hugs to you both, and may it all be better soon!

Well, she even realizes and has said "I know, you are wondering where the me you fell in love with has gone, and I'm trying to find her and my joy again." So she knows its all there, its just the hard work of actually getting the tricky human mind into cooperating.

Hopefully you can find a new place to work and be happy too! Its amazing on how much of our experiences and moods can pepper everyone's lives and so its important to cultivate and share joy.

_________________Evolved a vascular system, so I went from bryophyte to lycophyte.

Well, she even realizes and has said "I know, you are wondering where the me you fell in love with has gone, and I'm trying to find her and my joy again." So she knows its all there, its just the hard work of actually getting the tricky human mind into cooperating.

That's pretty good. And you're keeping the communication open if this is something you're talking about, which is important. Working together through tough times is not fun but will happen and I think it's good that you're handling it well.

so remember how i've been afraid to say those 3 special words to my man? ok, last night i decided i should tell him, so i start to say, "hey, i've got something i've been meaning to tell you, but i'm kind of afraid of saying it." and he's like, "aw, you don't have to say anything to me that would make you uncomfortable." and i guess that took me by surprise because i'm information-greedy and had it been me, i would've been like, "dish it out!" so i chose to not say anything.

then while we're sleeping, i feel him roll over to hold me and he says very softly in my ear, "i love you, X." and then he might've said something else, but i was dreaming about a vacuum cleaner and my memory is unclear. he is a sleep-talker, but i think he was awake when he said it. i'm going to see him again on Wed and i'm determined to say it out loud and during waking hours. i'm very sure it's really what i feel and i'm hoping that saying it aloud will affirm it and make it more real.

Those three words were on the tip of my tongue a couple times last night. And I really felt like they might have been on the tip of his, too. I'm thinking that I don't really want to say them though until we have better established how our relationship works, especially regarding the kid thing. I feel like if we start saying it, I would be more hurt if something went wrong than if something went wrong before we are saying it. Even if the emotion behind the words are the same.

Well, she even realizes and has said "I know, you are wondering where the me you fell in love with has gone, and I'm trying to find her and my joy again." So she knows its all there, its just the hard work of actually getting the tricky human mind into cooperating.

That's pretty good. And you're keeping the communication open if this is something you're talking about, which is important. Working together through tough times is not fun but will happen and I think it's good that you're handling it well.

Yeah we are being as open as possible. Long distance doesn't help this either. I mean, I guess it sort of helps me keep some distance, but the time we have together is so short that it makes it harder to overcome the awkward stressiness before one of us has to go home. And since we don't even have the same days off, we have to deal with either 1) her work during the day up there or 2) My awkward roommate situation that started because she was here during her winter break for an extended time.

But I'll be patient, because its overall challenging and I've got enough other things to deal with (seeds!).

_________________Evolved a vascular system, so I went from bryophyte to lycophyte.

I have to break up with someone I'm not even dating because I can see it going that way and I think she may be assuming it's already a thing :( I hate that I have to be the bad guy, and that I didn't nip this in the bud sooner because I like her :((((

augh, I'm just sad, I thought I was doing way better emotionally/psychologically to the degree that I could maybe handle a relationship but I just cannot be anything other than friends with anyone right now.

blehhhhhh.

really sad/defeated re: my capacity to be open and trusting.

Hey you, what happened to the "enjoy a happy-time fling" thing! Remember that? Just enjoy each other and have fun and don't worry about the end?

ah yeah, she's getting really really attached and I thought I could handle it but nopeeee I am not capable.I'm having really unfair (to her) reactionary feelings every time she shows affection and I am realizing I am not well enough yet to maintain anything other than friendship, I thought I was but I am not.

_________________Space has stared into the tiny syrup holes of our shame and it does not judge us. - Amandabear

Hey you, what happened to the "enjoy a happy-time fling" thing! Remember that? Just enjoy each other and have fun and don't worry about the end?

ah yeah, she's getting really really attached and I thought I could handle it but nopeeee I am not capable.I'm having really unfair (to her) reactionary feelings every time she shows affection and I am realizing I am not well enough yet to maintain anything other than friendship, I thought I was but I am not.[/quote]

:( Alas. Well hopefully you can use this to help you take baby steps to being ready some day.

_________________Evolved a vascular system, so I went from bryophyte to lycophyte.

You know when people put "It's Complicated" as their relationship status...well that's me. And I don't know how to get out of it, or if I really want it to end, or anything. It's just so head boggling confusing and sometimes it makes me so sad because I'll never have a real relationship while I'm in this situation, but what I have works to meet both mine and his needs financially and physically in so that we take care of each other food and environmental wise only. We're not romantic at all. He calls me his platonic wife. Our finances are tied up like we are married. We have deep routines for our daily life that work. I just miss that emotional side of things. I want those things. And this isn't even the half of it. It sucks.

Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions too much cause it reminds me of a situation I've been in myself, but....

Seems to me that deep down or subconsciously you feel or have it clear that this isn't what you want. Now you only need to figure out what keeps you from changing the situation.

I get the impression that you might be afraid of what's going to happen when you go for a "divorce" (financial stuff etc)

Life is too short to spend it with the wrong person. Why let this "not even half of what I want" prevent you from finding happiness?

Looks like this is shaping up to be the second week in a row that I don't get to see my beloved at all during the week. I know he's hating it too, but that only helps a little. How do people in long distance relationships do it?

You know when people put "It's Complicated" as their relationship status...well that's me. And I don't know how to get out of it, or if I really want it to end, or anything. It's just so head boggling confusing and sometimes it makes me so sad because I'll never have a real relationship while I'm in this situation, but what I have works to meet both mine and his needs financially and physically in so that we take care of each other food and environmental wise only. We're not romantic at all. He calls me his platonic wife. Our finances are tied up like we are married. We have deep routines for our daily life that work. I just miss that emotional side of things. I want those things. And this isn't even the half of it. It sucks.

Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions too much cause it reminds me of a situation I've been in myself, but....

Seems to me that deep down or subconsciously you feel or have it clear that this isn't what you want. Now you only need to figure out what keeps you from changing the situation.

I get the impression that you might be afraid of what's going to happen when you go for a "divorce" (financial stuff etc)

Life is too short to spend it with the wrong person. Why let this "not even half of what I want" prevent you from finding happiness?

Agree! I spent a lot of unhappy time in my last relationship because of my fear of what would happen when we broke up. I kept thinking, well, it could be worse...and I just really didn't want to think about moving or splitting our things or the animals (which is still really tough). But once I finally made the decision that I would rather be alone forever than schlup around in this not awesome relationship, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Yes, it was hard for awhile, but now I am so relieved to not be in that situation any more. I mean, it wouldn't have killed me or anything to stay with him, but I would have always known that I could have been happier in a different situation.

Mars, I get what you're saying about waiting until you work some things out before you say the big L word. I feel like I'm pretty close to there with my guy and that he feels the same way, but I'm hesitant to say it before this whole secret thing ends (no updates on that yet, sorry). I don't really know why, but it just doesn't feel right to say I love someone that I can't even go out to dinner with at my favorite in-town restaurant. You probably don't feel right saying it to someone that you haven't even spent any real time with their kids yet. The feelings may be there, but the situation isn't right yet. And who knows how the feelings may change once that dynamic is introduced? I mean, it's possible. (yes, I'm projecting a little here.)

_________________But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua

Partner and I have been crazy with the L word. I don't think I've ever used it this early in a relationship (coming up on 6 months), but I also really mean it a lot more than previously too so maybe that's a good thing.

Also, we're planning a trip to visit my parents in something like 5 months... so approximately as long as we've even been together. Reason for such extreme forethought is that my father has difficulty getting time off. Also both of my parents just habitually plan things out in excessive detail for reasons I've never quite grasped. I feel totally comfortable with this person and confident in our relationship, but I also know on an intellectual level that I've felt that way before and the ridiculously far ahead planning going into this is a bit scary, because I know a lot can happen in such a long time period.

That's awesome, Tea! I have a weird feeling that I might have drunkenly blurted it out last night, but I may have just dreamed it. Nothing was said about it this morning, so I'm going to go with the dream thing and hope for the best. We do say, 'I like you. A lot.' all the time, which is nice. This is actually the longest I've ever gone without saying it! Haha, and it's only been 6 weeks! I'm a blurter. I'm trying to be cautious this time around, because I know that saying it too early in the past makes the relationship move much faster than can be comfortable. It's kind of fun knowing it and not saying it, but I'm afraid that too much time will pass and then it will never get said. It's good to hear people's stories about waiting multiple months before saying it. I need to hear that, haha.

_________________But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua

I was telling him about how this one little random specific thing about him I really like, and he thought I meant like in particular more than anything else so I said "no, that's just one little thing on a really long list of things", to which he said "my list is really long for you too, and every day we're together I like you even more"