Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Bieber spanking threats

I’ve noticed a couple of people saying they’d like to spank Master Bieber, presumably on his bottom. The first one is Mary Schlegel, a mother from Iowa, infuriated at Bieber’s late arrival for a concert.

“It's ridiculous,” she huffed. “I have a four hour drive to get home and if I could I'd take him over my knee and give him a good one!”

I wish it were in my power to grant her request. It would do Bieber the world of good to have his boyish butt-cheeks crisply smacked by a maternal hand. What’s more, it’s the sort of event that might attract a healthy audience. I, for one, would be eager to witness a righteous matron deliver a painful chastisement on Bieber’s young buttocks. To maximise the theatrical impact, I would provide Mrs Schlegel with the following props:• red nail varnish• a solid oak bench to sit on while holding Bieber facedown• a ball gag to insert in Bieber’s mouth• a nappy and some talcum power to finish up afterwards.

The other person who wants to slap Bieber’s behind is Peter Mench, a bald-headed music producer with bushy eyebrows and a double-chin:

“I’d take Bieber to the woodshed and spank him,” he declared.

Frankly, the suggestion is obscene. No one wants to see a man who looks like an ogre drag a whimpering adolescent off to his cabin. I shudder at the thought of his rough callusy hands pummelling Bieber’s tender tush. Who does Mench think he is? A Turkish sultan? If he ever shows his face around my neighbourhood, I’ll tell my females to massage coconut oil into his bare scalp and coat it with hairy insects. It’s the jungle equivalent of tarring-and-feathering.

In truth, I’ve always been suspicious of music producers. They make a lot of money by playing with knobs in a recording studio and then act like big shots. Look at Phil Spectre – he was a big shot who actually shot someone and expected to get away with it. Note also the bald head beneath those ridiculous wigs he wears. These things are never a coincidence.

Bieber, meanwhile, has been doing his best to avoid getting a smacked botty by pretending to be some sort of hoodlum. After a night out with his buddies, he was filmed pissing in a bucket and saying rude things about President Clinton. Silly boy! Real thugs don’t piss in buckets – they piss on their enemies after setting fire to them (as an act of mercy). And you don’t prove anything by insulting Bill Clinton these days. The man is a shadow of his former self and completely overshadowed by his wife.

If Bieber really wants to prove what a tough guy he is, he should walk up to some badass rappers, like Ice Cube and 50 Cent, and tell them their mother is a hoochie who let him suck her nipples. If he did that, I would buy his latest CD and listen to all the songs in front of the chimpanzees.

Not surprising, hes like 18, thats what kids do. Anyways, i dont understand the hate, yes, his songs are shit, but dudes already a millionaire and is banging 10/10s daily. One could only envy his lifestyle.

Bieber represents the lowest common denominator. Sadly, that bar seems to lower itself with each passing generation. I fear what self-important pop idols will rear their ugly heads in the upcoming years...

I, for one, do not even know why anyone would want to see him in concert. Not my style. Give me Crosby, Stills Nash & Young or the Doobie Brothers, or Seals & Croft or James Taylor, or Carol King over him any day!!!!

Well, that looks like LL Cool J in that pic with 50 Cent, not Ice Cube. I have at least some respect for LL, as he starred in some wacky sitcom with the guy who played Carlton on "The Fresh Prince of Bel Aire"...a show which was fine family entertainment even Tony Danza would have been proud to air. As for Bieber, I suppose we can overlook his little anti-Bill Clinton tantrum. I remember when I was his age, I hurled a loaf of Wonder Bread at a life-siz cardboard cutout of Jimmy Carter (though this act did not attract any media attention).

Mr Bananas, sir, thanking you once again for the kind comment you placed on my bog. Well, sir, perhaps the music of SRV and Jeff Beck would be far more soothing than The Beatles', Piggies, especially if the poor souls were on their way to the market.

Meet Is Murder [The Smiths], I know, but please remember that I was born into this type of farming, and have had to earn a living. With the benefit of hindsight, I would have walked away from this business and campaigned for the rights of animals. As a side, I treat my Tamworths like children, and give them the best possible life I can, that is, of course, until the day which never ceases to pain me arrives, their departure. Might sound strange and contradictory, sir, but is life not the same?

Enjoyed reading your bog, but will steer clear of the spanking stuff, sir. It was a bit of a sore point with the late Mrs Giles, if you know what I mean.

Jimmy Fungus: Throwing bread at Jimmy Carter isn't necessarily an insult, given that he's a Christian and you were arguably re-enacting the story where Jesus feeds a crowd with 5 loaves. I think he also gave them some fish. Have you ever thrown fish at someone?

David: Hah, I'm guessing you don't know any 13-year-old girls! He's very popular with pubescent females.

Nota Bene: Yes, you've missed something: he's taking a leak. He may also be someone's bitch, but he hasn't confessed to it.

Exile: The way to avoid getting distracted by the word "buttocks" is to pronounce it "Bu-Tox". I learned that from the movie Ensign Pulver. LL Cool J sounds more intelligent that most rappers. Why is he wasting brain cells hanging out with 50 Cent?

Crisply smacked... I like the sound of that, though I'd rather not witness Bieber's butt cheeks trembling with pain. I don't want to see his tender tush. Thanks for the disturbing image. Anyone who is called 'Bieber' can't be a tough guy. It sounds like a cheap sausage. Care for a Bieber?

I actually feel sorry for Bieber. He's a complete prat, but he doesn't realise it.Perhaps you should offer to educate him. After you've stuffed a couple of mountain celery stalks down his throat (or elsewhere) he may get the message.