Wicked Old Senator Proposes New Ways To Humiliate, Punish Poor People

Direct relative of Satan and U.S. Senator, Orrin Hatch, has been busy working on ways to help the country climb out of its massive financial hole, and may have finally made a breakthrough with his latest proposal: the drug-testing of people seeking benefits. Those who fail would be disqualified from the system, thereby propelling America back to economic greatness.

In reality, this will encourage more abuse, since hard drugs like ecstasy, cocaine, and heroin only remain in the body for a few days compared to weed, which takes at least a month to flush out. But, if Hatch seriously thinks that anyone receiving a government check should face mandatory drug screenings, he should have no problem extending that same requirement to all members of Congress, right? Kinda.

I just hope he has an equally brilliant plan to deal with false positives, because there would be nothing more tragic than an already down and out person getting tossed off welfare for eating a poppy seed bagel or something.