Edmonton Oil Kings riot “a huge bust” says participants

Following the Edmonton Oil Kings’ victory over the Guelph Storm on Sunday in the Memorial Cup finals, hundreds of fans filled Churchill Square on Wednesday to participate in a traditional hockey riot. The event, however, was a major disappointment. While there was a speech by the mayor, a spirited game of ball hockey, and the opportunity to meet the players, at no point did the event deteriorate into a skirmish between overzealous fans and a battalion of heavily armed police officers. Said one participant, who made the one hour drive from Sturgeon County to attend the riot “this is an absolute disgrace. For the first time in years we live up to our name as City of Champions, and there hasn’t been a single molotov cocktail hurled at the side of a building. How can we ever expect to be considered a world class city if event organizers can’t even put together a proper riot? I tell you, all week my son was begging me to drive him out here so he could witness a bunch of wild eyed citizens trash their own city. This whole event was a huge bust.” Mayor Iveson even expressed displeasure with how the event progressed. “I expected debris to be hurled at me in celebration of our team’s victory, it’s how hockey fans express themselves, I’m not sure what went wrong.”

Churchill Square has seen in the recent years many more events everything from concerts to movie screenings, but Wednesday’s absolute failure of a riot shows that there’s still some more learning to do. One of the organizers of the event commented “we’re going to take this as a learning experience. Given the success of past events we expected it wouldn’t be a problem to whip a normally law abiding crowd into a frenzy of senseless destruction and bloodlust. All the factors were there: people, a sports team, we even had countless implements in the area that could easily be turned into makeshift weapons. With all this hoopla about Make Something Edmonton, you’d think at least someone would have the wherewithal to craft a flail out of hockey pucks and a tube sock and start smashing storefront windows. I understand now why some cities rely on outside agitators. I just hope that people will forgive our immense blunder, and come out next time we win something for an effective, properly organized orgy of destruction.”