The great toilet strike of 2013

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In an effort to raise awareness of what he calls the “catastrophic worldwide lack of clean water and sanitation,” Matt Damon has announced that he is going on strike — a toilet strike that is. The actor known for playing CIA assassin Jason Bourne has made his own ultimatum: “Until everybody has access to clean water and sanitation, I will not go to the bathroom.” That’s right, The Talented Mr. Ripley has just added a new trick to his arsenal. Nothing will have Departed his system, until justice is served to the 2.5 billion people around the world who lack such basic amenities. Only then, will Damon have Happy Feet.

Of course, Damon is just kidding. He is obviously not going to stop using the toilet. He’d have to go on a hunger strike first, and he made no mention of that. The announcement comes as part of a faked (but very funny) video press conference produced by Damon’s Water.org. To learn more about his anti-bowel movement check out StrikeWithMe.org.

This pinnacle of perfection goes to the very foundation of our society – that of ridding ourselves of the unwanted filth with the least amount of displeasure. Incumbent upon the modern corporate derived diet, Americans need this product.

While out West frosting a rock is healthy and cleaner, I suppose in the wetter climates paper and disposal are mandatory.

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