Eavesdropping on the Eddie and Al show

RAY RATTO, EXAMINER COLUMNIST

Published 4:00 am, Sunday, May 17, 1998

SO YOU HEARD that Eddie The D and Al The Al sat down the other day to chew the fat, and maybe a little gristle as well. So you thought of all the possible talking points they shared over a hearty meal of fried Policy and sauteed Oakland city governments. So you fell prey to fears of double-blind conspiracies, double-dealing and rampant weaselry.

Well, wonder no more. With the aid of EavesdropCo, America's leading prier into other people's conversations, you can find out what Messrs. DeBartolo and Davis said to each other in their meeting last week, right down to how they split the check. Every word, every nuance, every speck of the dirt you think you need.

Hear them share their innermost thoughts about wayward underlings, about politicians who know way too much and politicians who know way too little, about the difference between al dente and downright crunchy, and what to do when the TV checks come in.

The former 49ers boss and Raiders owner cover it all, and we are there for every bit of it. Check out these juicy tidbits.

* "Ed, why don't you just have Ed Muransky tell them we got together to talk about the good old days? Nobody'll buy it, but hey, it's just gossip anyway, right?"

* "Listen, Al, you think you got problems because your wide receiver bitches in the papers every once in a while? I got one who turns up in massage parlors and says it was a teammates' prank."

* "Look, Ed, didn't I warn you about hiring people who look like you? Do you see anybody in my organization who looks like me?"

Learn how they really are kindred spirits.

* "I've always admired the way you fired Trestman at the Seifert press conference. "He's GONE!' right there in a room full of reporters. God, do you know how many times I wanted to do that?"

* "Did you have sisters? Then you don't know. You just don't know."

* "You know, you never should have fired Joe Thomas. I tried to tell you."

Discover how they learned the lesson most people understand instinctively - that politicians only lower everyone's property values.

* "People tried to tell me Eddie Edwards was a slickster, but he was just so damned CHARMING, y'know?"

* "You know, Ed, one of my guiding principles has always been to find the politician with the most power, the least scruples and the intellect of a cup of chowder, and the rest is just detail work."

* "When I found out about the Jack Davis party, I could have pulled my own head right off. I mean, jeez, the only thing they didn't have was Mother Teresa in a go-go dress. Didn't it ever occur to ANYBODY that that would lose me votes?"

Learn how after three years of mutual enmity, these two disparate personalities came to see each other in an entirely new light.

* "You know, Al, if you'd stayed in L.A., we could have been best friends."

* "Don't sweat the small stuff, Ed. You only end up ruining your suits."

Get the answers to the questions that have been gnawing at your brain for days.

* "Now you've got to be in this for the long haul. You gotta have lawyers for everything, because you know damned well they will. And if you gotta sue the league, hey, I've done it. After awhile, I don't even have to get out of bed. I call a guy at 8:30 in the morning, and Tagliabue's got a subpoena in New York by dinnertime."

* "As soon as I can get Policy out of there, we'll play four exhibitions a year - two home-and-homes. There's no travel, no hotel, and it sure beats playing Seattle every damned year."

* "OK, OK, Larry Brown. But Rod Woodson? Why didn't you just sign Herb Adderley, or Night Train Lane while you were at it? You should've called me. I could have got you Lester Hayes for the minimum."

Get the lowdown on their mutual interests as the next millennium approaches.

* "Let Policy have Cleveland if he wants it, Ed. Better there than the league office, right? He goes to the league office, you're going to end up with 16 road games every year, and they'll make you give your luxury box money to the United Way or something."

* "You know what you need, Ed? A new stadium. Now, I've worked up a few sketches . . . "

These historically relevant and almost entirely plausible tapes make hours of enjoyable listening, and like Matt Drudge, we can vouch for their accuracy up to 80 percent. Entertain your friends, amaze your workmates, dazzle complete strangers with your copy of "The Al And Eddie Tapes." Only $49.95 where all good bootlegs are sold. Take their word for it.

* "You know, Al, how many people do you think would like to be a fly on the wall for this conversation?"