Mother, Counsellor, Artist, Unschooler, late-discovery adoptee... this space is about all things, Life. My hope is that by sharing my stories and growth people will be inspired to look further into mental health and expressive arts therapies.

Friday, May 28, 2010

this too shall pass.....

i am looking back, and i am thinking 'this too shall pass' has earned its saying-status by being pretty wise. really, as a parent, 'this too shall pass' allows one to zoom-out from a situation. how often do we get so upset by something our child has done, or won't do?? given some time though, the upset is gone, everyone has moved on....

so why do we get so upset?

i was so upset when my first child couldn't/wouldn't breastfeed; because "breast is best", and i was convinced it would just 'work' for me. all the drugs, herbs, pumping, and support in the world didn't make my breasts make milk, and they didn't cure my daughters tongue-tie either. and then she was allergic to the cow's milk formula, so she was on soy. and then when she was 3 years old i learned all kinds of terrible things about soy formula. and i was so upset. why hadn't i known??

during that same time period i also learned a lot about natural birth, and home birth while working as a doula. again i was so upset. Why hadn't i known these things??

similar things have happened throughout my new life as a parent. upset about dietary stuff, sleeping stuff, behavioral stuff..... why isn't she sleeping through the night yet? why does she have that patch of eczema? why is she whining so much? why doesn't she want to do these worksheets from the school? why doesn't she know how to read yet? UPSET! always a reason to be upset.....now that i've zoomed-out..... she did start sleeping through the night, as soon as i started sleeping with her; her patch of eczema was from food sensitivities and 'it' along with the sensitivities cleared up; she was whining because we had a new baby, and she wanted/needed to whine, i guess she had alot to whine about; and it turns out the worksheets were boring!! and she was leading me to unschooling- which is a far better way for her and our family; and for all my fretting about her learning to read, she learned to read this year, when she was ready to.... all my upset in the world didn't make any of it different.

What if we have the ability to parent from a 'zoomed-out' place to begin with?? What if we could connect with "this too shall pass" while we are tired, sad, annoyed, frustrated?? What if i could connect with the knowledge that my child has a reason?? maybe i don't even have to know what the reason is... maybe just knowing they have a reason, and giving credit to that reason will avoid me some heartache. avoid some needless upset... what if?

it has. unschooling has transformed my life as a parent, and as a person. i no longer get upset about biological things. i have learned. my children will eat. my children will sleep. and they will learn. no controlling or upset needed!i used to be so obsessed with what food was going into their mouths!! i've let that go, and amazing things have happened. yes, they did consider gum and ice cream to be suitable breakfast choices as most people would predict!! but they also learned how crappy their body felt when they ate that for breakfast, and they don't choose to eat that for a meal the majority of the time. in fact, my 4yo son asks me if food is nutritious now, before he eats it!now SLEEP! who hasn't gotten upset about their children when it comes to sleep?! i read so many books on kids and sleep; tried so many things.... but guess what? kids sleep. babies sleep. they do. whether they want to or not; whether we get upset about it or not. Sleep is a biological function. it is unavoidable. so what happens when you stop getting upset about sleep?..... the kids sleep. LOL they might go to sleep later, like mine. they might sleep in later, like mine. they might start sharing a bed with each other or with you. they might start talking to you about why they didnt want to go to sleep. maybe they were feeling scared, lonely, or left out.... but what about that important "couple-time" we have all come to expect in the evening? surely we are deserving of that..... (are you sensing my sarcasm?? what if having children makes us deserving of having to be parents to our children 24/7? even when we are tired? even when we don't want to anymore?) ..... what if telling our children we want time alone tonight worked?.... what if we said to our kids "we want to spend some time together, without kids tonight; so what are you going to do upstairs while we are hanging out down here?" What if our kids figure that is a valid request because we have modeled valuing their opinions and requests? what if they happily play or watch a movie while i get to enjoy time with my hubby?....

my point is, i let go. now instead of trying to control the people around me, i control myself. if i feel UPSET about something. i try to figure out why. why am i upset? .... okay, my kids are fighting, i feel upset. why am i upset? the fighting is loud. it is upsetting the peace. and my kids shouldn't be fighting with each other.... right? is that true? .....i fought with my sister.... we fought alot..... i learned alot from those fights.... i learned about friendship, and how to work out disagreements.... maybe my kids should fight, maybe they are fighting to learn these things too....maybe they need support in working things out from a person who isn't upset.... maybe i can be that person...

so i dare you to zoom-out.... to give credit to "this too shall pass".... to stop fighting the reality of what is.... to start living with what IS... instead of what we think should be.... to let go!!! to start transforming our frustration into happiness.... into love... to realize that it is all about learningfrom each of these experiences, we learn! and our children learn.... and we all learn together!