Summer of Thirst: A Sneak Peek at the Trajectory of Darren Criss’s Career

It's been almost two months since this community made a post about "actor" Darrin Criss, and most of us were probably happily forgetting he exists. With the end of Glee's catastrophic 5th season came Darrin's withdrawal into absolute public irrelevancy, along with other mediocre nobodies like Chad Overstreet and Jack Artist.

A year ago, when asked if his Glee costars would take part in his plans for summer 2013, he replied, "I think most of the Glee kids are probably off in beautiful, exotic places not going on tour and relaxing. I am crazy and can't stop working so if I can convince them to come out from under the hole that they have probably dug themselves comfortably in for relaxation time, then that would be fun."

On that douchey note, here's some framing context for this post. A brief list of what most of the Glee cast have planned so far for this summer.

Lea: bestselling book, book tour, second single released and used in television promos, possible album tour

Chris: book, book tour, Hot in Cleveland, filming a biopic about a gay icon

Kevin: filming his own television series in the UK, filming his second movie of the year

Amber and Jenna: Hair at the Hollywood Bowl

Becca: Drop Dead Diva and Mystery Girls

Naya: fashion shoots, director of a psaAlex: single released, multiple pride performancesMatt: movies and a tour or something

That Boring Engaged Couple: a crowdfunded movie he wrote and a Nicholas Sparks movieOverstoop: nothing, but at least it's confirmed he's been laying down new album tracks this summer

It isn't like Darren is trying to be irrelevant compared to most of them, and it isn't like he's doing nothing. Appearing extra greasy and hairy in some awkward Disneyland paparazzi photos with his parents and girlfriend Mia VonShittyEdits was only the first of at least three opportunities to poke his balding head out of his own comfortable hole of relaxation time before Glee returns to us worse than ever.

Continuing his role as an over-inflated ally, he spent the evening of June 28th as the wedding singer of an event for Jeff Zarrillo & Paul Katami, who had already been married for a whole year but needed a splashy ceremony sponsored by Hilton™ with a red carpet to promote an HBO documentary. Did Kim and Kanye even have a red carpet at their wedding? We queer folk are out to set every wedding standard from classiest centerpieces to most iconic levels of thirst. It's a shame Darren probably missed this perfect chance to compare gay men to crazy teenage girls again by making a joke about over-the-top super sweet 16 parties.

Bonus context: Think back to a year ago again, when Darren said his work with Starkid is “embarrassing" to talk about "because [he's] capable of better things.”

Now, after three consecutive years of turning down offers to make an appearance at a Starfury convention that literally no one with any other options would appear at, Darren has finally accepted their invitation, along with a handful of Starkids no one cares about, and Max Adler, who deserves so much better. If you have any doubts about how Z-list this "event" is, remember that professional hag Ashley Fink went two years ago, and has been too busy and important to return since then.

Many of Darren's fans are no doubt hoping his prospects will improve this July 10th when the Emmy nominations are announced. As the only Glee actor who had to submit himself for nomination consideration, because even FOX considered him more of a losing bet than Overstoop and that bland engaged kid, Darren might be the most dark horse option. What else do Darren fans have to root for at the moment, though? An album? Adam Anders recently confirmed what we all guessed about Darren's album months ago. The record label put it on the shelf because they, like FOX, also assessed him as a losing bet.

Luckily, Darren has his investment in a men's grooming product line to fall back on. No matter how sad his career in entertainment inevitably becomes, he will always be a trendsetter in that area. Here's a post about the product he uses to powder his scalp brown and camouflage his huge dick-shaped bald spot.