Time is a healer

Hello ladies, I dont come on Netmums much but saw this post and thought i would share what happened to me and all i can say is time is a healer,

I had a horrendous birth with my 1st DD , Two day labour lots of changes of staff , lots of confusion, I ended up with signing a form which i couldnt read to have an emergency c-section as my daughters head was stuck, i was 10 cm and pushing for a long time, and had been left for a long time, baby was monitored with blood taken from the head and was in distress as pooing inside me so option was emergency section,MyDD had to be pushed back up as the vontose failed and couldnt get forcepts on, so i had a midwife pushing DD back up while the doctor tried to pull her out during which the anaesthetic failed, i was screaming and was eventually knocked out, The aftercare wasnt much better, my list is endless with the faults with what happened, A birth that certainly didnt go as planned,
I had an awful time after trying to put on a happy face when i wasnt sleeping, Flashbacks etc were hard to deal with and i did the best for DD but probably looking back really wasnt looking after myself by taking time out if someone offered to help i became very over protective of DD- Still am6 years on!!

I had councelling which really helped,and as time passed the horror faded slightly and feeling broody took over and i always wanted a 2nd baby and thought if i had a private midwife and homebirth this would be my only option to me. i had birth hypnosis, a bit of life coaching ,, A lady stopped me in boots one day and just said everything will be alright this time, ( I didnt Know her) I just had a feeling it would be ...all i can say is my dd2 put a lot of ghosts to rest, i had a fantastic homebirth a beautiful daughter who i am so grateful to have because after dd1 i thought i would never go through anouther birth, although my marriage failed 6 months after her birth -my husband had an affair for what ever reasons, sometimes i wonder if the stress of anouther birth tipped him a bit, he saw what happened 1st time round but all i can say is i have two beautiful daughetrs who make me smile every day, and i wouldnt have it any other way, I am not saying a second baby is the answer to heal what has happened to you after a traumatic birth but time is definately a healer and even now thinking about DD1 birth i have tears i dont think about it much and really surpirise myself at what my body has been capable of mentally and physically but what my body has produced are two lights of my life and if you can take any positive out of what has happened to you from the trauma of the birth you are one step on the way to closing a door on what has happened to you,
My life coach asked me how i have changed as a person in a positive way after DD1 birth and i knew i had become more stronger- That was my 1st step...
xxx

Postpartum hemorrhage

Hi Everyone

Im new on here but thought I would share my birth experience. With my first labour I thought everything went very well. I only had gas and air and was on cloud nine once I finally got to meet my beautiful daughter.
I got discharged 2 hours after delivery and couldnt wait to take my newborn baby home. I arrived home and about 20 minutes after I had settled in I thought I had wet myself but when I looked at my trousers they were bright red and I waqs standing in a pool of blood. My mum called an ambulance for me and I was rushed back up to the hospital, leaving my newborn with my dad and brother in law. Once I arrived at hospital I had roughly 5-7 doctors and nurses around me rushing around to stop the bleeding. I was put on all sorts of drips and had medication pumped into my body along with tablets up my vagina and bottom (wasnt a pleasant experince). One of the doctors was pulling clots out of me but hand which was extremely painful especially after giving birth 2 hours previously. After the doctors managed to get me stable I unfortunaly caught an infection so again I had more medication pumped into my body along with a blood transfusion.
This was and still is a very upsetting thing for me to talk about but I recently gave birth to my second baby. All throughout my pregnancy I was terrified of it happening again and I didnt enjoy my pregnancy at all as it was just a constant concern. I can thankfully say my second labour was so much better! I just want women to realise that every pregnancy is different! I now suffer from post traumatic stress due to the PPH but I couldnt have wished for a better labour then the one I had with my son. I know there isnt really any tips to pass onto other women other then every pregnancy really is different. Stay positive ladies and dont be afraid to seek help! xxxx

HI everyone :)

I had an emergancy c-section due to fetal distress with my baby boy charlie, he was critically ill and ressucitated and kepy in SCBU on oxygen. I also experienced shoulder dystocia with my first child (grace) the full stories are in my thread 'what helped me' These are a few of the things that have helped me get over the trauma:

RECOVERING

Talking

When i went home i had flashbacks, constant anxiety about charlie being ill, i was crying alot whenever i had a flashback, seeing all those doctors and that alarm. Everytime i looked at my boyfriend i saw the face at the hospital. And being back with my daughter i felt terrible she had missed out on the first week of her brothers life, i missed her more than anything and i became really attached.
As the months went by i was given a de-brief, however they still insist they dont know what the infection was.
it became easier to talk about it and the flashbacks started to wear off. I found it good to talk to my health visitor about it and my boyfriend, i wanted all the gaps in my memory to be filled in.
Talking really helps, i spoke to mums who had been awake for their c-sections and asked what it was like, i spoke to doctors and i spoke to the people that were there. You must do this in your own time, i didnt want to talk to them at first i just wanted to get on with my life. They sent me a letter with all the details of charlies birth, i did not read them at first i waited, i read a bit and put it away then went back when i was ready. DONT LET ANYONE PUSH YOU INTO TALKING ABOUT IT!!

Dont look back in anger, look back in laughter

It might sound a bit far fetched but there must of been SOME comical moments during your stay, someones singing, something funny you read in the paper, a lovely or funny nurse. I have found that looking back at the funny things that happened can really replace the awful things that happened. Now when i have a flashback its normally of something really silly like the nerdy doc (read below) ahha, heres a few of them:

After about 4 months me and my boyfriend were talking about it and he said "i thought they cut a like door in your belly to get him out, when you was asleep i asked your mum how long you'd have to be lying down for, cos i thought when you stood up everything would fall out" hahaha, i realized what happened was awful, but we could make light of the situation.
When i was pregnant i used to do a really nerdy voice and say thats how charlie was going to talk, we all used to find it hilarious. One day while i was visiting charlie in SCBU a doctor (a really lovely doctor i must say) came over to tell us how charlie was and Oh my GOSH he talked exactly like my nerdy voice. We both giggled as he spoke and we were desperatly trying not to laugh out loud, This man was telling us Charlie could possibly have meningitis and his voice had really taken the edge off! Isnt it funny how something so stupid can help you heal? While i was in hospital my boyfriend used to come and see me and whenever i cried he would say "shall i get your boyfriend ( nerdy doctor)" and it actually cheered me up!
While i was in labour my boyfriend had a song in his head, now let me warn you, its a ridiculous song his friends found on youtube the words are "show me your genitals, your genitals, show me your genitals, your genitalia" YEP, he kept accidently singing it much to mine and the midwifes amusement as well as worry haha!
My boyfriends mum, nan, and brother came to see us in hospital, his nan was pottering outside so she said she would catch up with them, as we were all sitting there i watched his nan walk in, straight past us all, look in all the beds and walk back out!! it really did cheer me up!!

So as silly as those things are they truely have helped me heal!!

Say thankyou

I sent chocs into the midwife who delivered charlies, SCBU and the ward i was on, i wanted everyone to now i was greatful and after seeing the abuse they get i felt they deserved it. It made me feel good too!!

Dont let it stop you

It is very hard to get into routine and back to normal oncce youve had a baby, its even harder when your suffering PTSD, try to keep things at hand and work out a routine that works for you and your baby, it will help you have something else to focus on and have some structure to your day.

DO what you need to

It is 6 months since charlies birth, and i finally decided i needed to see an emergancy c-section, how they managed to get my baby out within 2 mins is beyond me, so i had to watch. I found a video, very graphic, really scary and gruesome but i felt better for watching, i was asleep for that part, i wanted to know what it would of been like!

My first labour was a breeze, don't listen too he horror stories

I was 12 days overdue with my little girls and got sent in to be induced. Turned out I was already at 3cm and was hanging contractions but couldn't feel a thing! They monitored be as they thought I was having a 'silent labour' (where you can't feel contractions), I got to 7cm my feeling it, just watching made in chelsea on my phone and reading cosmopolitan! They burst my waters at 7cm at 11pm and then I got the full force of the contractions and the gas and air worked a treat. She was born with 5 minutes of pushing and no stiches! I guess I was a lucky one! But so labour is not always as awful as everyone says so don't me worried!

Hi mums I'm new on here I was just wondering if any body has been through what I have? I recently had my little it on the 1st September 2014! He was due on the 19th august? I was at high risk and had high bmi of 45. I'm now waiting for him to grow up to see if he's disabled or brain damage! I went into labour on Thursday was taken to theatre for a forceps delivery on the Monday. My mum has got 5 children and she said if she had to go through what I did she would never of had a child again? They were careless he stopped breathing 4 times b4 they took me into theatre and now I have to deal with any consequences. He turned inside me and they had both arms in me and then got forceps out. He was then taken to a children's hospital to be put on life support and cooling system I have found it so hard bonding with him as he is a month old now and iv only had him home a week first time I held him since birth just don't no we're to go from all this the hospital has now closed Aswell

Hi mums I'm new on here I was just wondering if any body has been through what I have? I recently had my little it on the 1st September 2014! He was due on the 19th august? I was at high risk and had high bmi of 45. I'm now waiting for him to grow up to see if he's disabled or brain damage! I went into labour on Thursday was taken to theatre for a forceps delivery on the Monday. My mum has got 5 children and she said if she had to go through what I did she would never of had a child again? They were careless he stopped breathing 4 times b4 they took me into theatre and now I have to deal with any consequences. He turned inside me and they had both arms in me and then got forceps out. He was then taken to a children's hospital to be put on life support and cooling system I have found it so hard bonding with him as he is a month old now and iv only had him home a week first time I held him since birth just don't no we're to go from all this the hospital has now closed Aswell

Hello Katie,

I see you are new here and would like to welcome you to netmums where there is lots of support and advice from other members.

Iím a little concerned that you wonít receive any replies from other mums as you have posted this on the "Featured topic" thread about sharing positive advice and tips and I feel sure you will receive replies if you start a thread of your own. You can do this by clicking on the purple Post New Thread button above the orange title bar above where you posted. You can copy everything you have posted straight into this so it doesnít mean starting again.

Iím really sorry to read about the awful experience you have been through. When you feel a bit stronger you may like to consider contacting a senior midwife or obstetrician to go through your records so that everything can be clarified about what happened and why. You can find out how to do it here on the Birth Trauma Association website. It shouldnít matter if the hospital has closed your records have to be kept for 25 years so they will be somewhere local.

Has your Health Visitor been to see you? If not you can contact her via your local childrenís centre. If she has, did you tell her how you feel? It isnít uncommon to feel as you do, Katie, and she can help you learn to interact with your baby and help you through the trauma.

It is very sad that your experience of labour and delivery was so difficult and believe me you wonít shock your HV by telling her about you bonding difficulties. You have been brave enough to come and post on netmums and I do hope you will talk to her.

Has anyone suggested your baby is likely to be damaged? What plans have been put into place for monitoring him, if any?

How does your partner feel about what has happened and is he understanding and supportive? Do you have plenty of help from family and friends? If so then please take all thatís offered and allow others to help.

Positive second birth after tramatic first

Hi everyone,

I just came across this thread and have seen there's not many posts. I had a very traumatic first delivery so thought i would share my story in case it helps anyone.

I had twins 7 years ago. I had a great pregnancy and was induced at 37 weeks. At first, it was fine. I was strapped to monitors and had to have an epidural, in case I was taken to theatre, but I was in a nice room with my husband and two lovely midwives. I didn't feel a single contraction and was laughing and joking. 18 hours later.....it was time to push. They gave me maybe 15 minutes, before a consultant was called - who examined me without talking to me or even looking me in the eye. 10 minutes later, and I'm in theatre with about 20 people and not one person has told me what's going on. My first daughter was eventually delivered, as I lay shaking and vomitting from the top up epidural. Then all hell broke lose, as my other daughter got stuck. An hour later she was born, and again - nobody talked to us. I didn't see my daughters and my husband was ushered out. I was eventually wheeled into a corridor - where they lost me! I was there for 2 hours and my husband was frantic. Finally, a consultant came and found me and said "oh, there you are. You'll be fine but we've had to cut really badly - like the worst cut you can get but your babies are fine". I was taken to a ward, unable to move and my husband sent home. Three days later i was discharged and a week after, I collapsed with a major haemorrhage and infection. It took me months to recover and the consultant who saw me after my collapse, said I should never have been discharged in the state I was in.

What I did, eventually, was too request my notes and to talk through what happened and why with my GP. It really helped, though you must be ready to do this - and take support with you.

For my third baby, and second pregnancy, I requested a different hospital. I opted for a planned c-section, to feel like I had some control over what happened. I talked a lot about this with friends and my husband, and requested no visitors at the hospital - again, to keep it a private and special time for me, my husband and twins. The c-section was lovely - a really beautiful experience and I got skin to skin straight away. Yes, my recovery was slow but I knew that would be the case and had support in place.

Don't be afraid to ask for what you want and to take control as much as you can. Be realistic but don't be put off by a bad birth. Get help and talk through it. It's not ok that just because you get a healthy baby that we're expected to just forget a traumatic birth. Good luck,

Choosing the right people to talk about your experience with

For me, the most useful thing in coming to terms with my birth experience (an ongoing process) has been to talk to other people who had had traumatic births - in person or online. In particular, it was really useful for me to talk to a friend who had had a similar experience to me (a very painful delivery without access to pain relief or medical support). She had also been quite traumatised by her experience. What was helpful was that whereas I kept feeling as if I was somehow weak for feeling so upset by what had happened, I didn't for a second feel that my friend was weak - in fact she is one of the strongest and most positive people that I know. I think the fact that 'even she' was traumatised by going through that experience made me feel somehow better - less insecure.

Having said all that, I have found that speaking about what happened with people who have given birth and have not felt traumatised by their experience can actually be quite unhelpful. I think the problem is that everyone has had some degree of bad experience with birth (I mean there are not many people who LOVE going through labour!). But this means that people will often try to 'normalise' your experience by saying 'oh yes I experienced something like that too' or 'yes it is quite normal for X to happen'. I know that people do this with the best will in the world - but it is quite invalidating. For a start, I often feel that people have not really understood the magnitude of what I have experienced - obviously there is no way to objectively measure things like perception of pain or degree of fear. But also, whether what I experienced was 'normal' or not is in way irrelevant - if I am traumatised I am traumatised and saying the trigger was just normal feels as if someone is saying that I should not be. I am beginning to think that it may be better to not say very much about the birth to most people - and if people ask for details perhaps it is best to just politely say I would rather not talk about it.

To come back to the first point, another very useful thing about talking to people who have had similar experiences is that you can have a good therapeutic gripe about the extremely unhelpful and dismissive things that other people have said to you! In particular, my least favourite thing to hear - 'oh you will forget all about the pain - everyone does'.

Would be interested to hear from others about their experiences of talking to others about what happened...