Imitation Conan

In your quest for manliness you must know who you are attempting to emulate. Take heed while you read within so you may avoid following these charlatans (although many are good for a laugh).

He-Man – (Cartoon)

Rumor has it that Mattel was given a bunch of info about Conan so they could make a toy line about him. Later the offer was retracted. Shortly thereafter, He-Man came into being. They were of course sued but won in the end claiming that the idea for He-man was entirely original. Whether or not this is true, he does follow the barbarian role quite well.

Thundarr the Barbarian – (cartoon)

Heavily based off of the comic book.

Dave the Barbarian – (cartoon)

A pathetic excuse of a barbarian. Thought a barbarian was a librarian that also cut hair.

Cohen the Barbarian – (discworld novels)

Although being elderly, Cohen is a perfect example of a good barbarian; plundering, brawling, ravishing women… He’s just not quite what we are looking for.

Conan the Librarian – (UHF)

From a commercial in the Weird Al film UHF we see how much better a library would run with a proper barbarian at the helm.

Cerebus the Aardvark – (comic)

The early comics followed a very Conan-esque parody.

Thrud the Barbarian – (comic)

A major parody of the Conan story with characters specifically created to parody Ahhnold’s version like Croneman the Cimpletan.

Korgoth of Barbaria – (cartoon)

A series that got dropped after only one episode. Too bad. It looks like it could have been quite good. Now airs as a one shot on Cartoon Network.

Groo The Wanderer – (comic)

A slow-witted warrior who lives for the battle itself. Often finds himself accidentally fighting indiscriminately against both sides of the battle.

Thongor of Lemuria – (novel)

A book series that came before the Conan movies but after the original Conan books.

Conan the Adventurer – (cartoon)

Many similarities to the movie but toned WAY down. His family is only turned to stone instead of killed. He ends up with a ragtag group of adventurers including a circus performer, a wizard, a viking, a tribal prince, a pheonix, and a… flying dude?

Conan the Adventurer – (tv)

Large guy with Germanic accent, scantily clad vixens, and even Danny Woodburn. You’d think this would have been received better, but click a few links on the youtube and you’ll see it was pretty lame action and crappy acting by many of the characters.

Ator, The Fighting Eagle – (mockbuster)

Trying to bask in the barbarian storm that would come from Conan was this movie of Stephanie Meyers’ crappiness. You’ll do much better to watch Cave Dwellers on MST3K.

Brak the Barbarian – (novel)

Barbarian novel from the late 60’s.

Conan the O’Brien – (celebrity)

Not much of a barbarian… but he’ll slay you with his wit just as easily.

Conan Edogawa – (manga/anime)

…not even close.

Admiral Conan Antonio Motti – (star wars)

More likely to get force choked then hacked to pieces by Conan than to be Conan.

And finally, the coup de grace. A musical number performed by Conan himself. Enjoy.