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Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The Amusements of Online Dating

Wow - I nearly forgot how much fun online
dating is! (Insert sarcastic font here.)
Less than one month back
into online dating and so far, I've come upon five types of online daters: "I didn't bother to read your profile, I just
looked at your pictures", "I
don't know how to pick up women", "Thoughtful and Enticing", "I'm not really smart, but I'm trying to impress you", and my
personal favorite, "Perverts".

I didn't bother to read your profile, I just looked at your
pictures

Are you a vegetarian for moral or health
reasons? I believe some animals with higher intelligence and sentience are
persons; thus, for that matter they have rights.

wow you look amazing in your pictures!

Hey there, you seem like out of the box
person. I love it.Care to talk and
meet at some point? Let me know - hugs

I don't expect much from
an introductory e-mail from people. I
really don't. I'm often crippled by writer's
block when I start an intro e-mail. But
please, for the love of god, know who you're e-mailing before you press the
send button! (I am not, nor have I ever
made claim to be, a vegetarian. And what
exactly is an "out of the box person"?) If you expect to get a reply, I want to know
that you've actually read my profile, are interested in me and didn't use your
standard templated intro e-mail that you send to every girl with a pretty face.

I don't know how to pick up women

Hello

Hi there,How are you?

Morning ;)

A little more to work with,
please? Seriously? Do you think that "Hello" is actually
going to get you a date?

Thoughtful and Enticing (readers take note!):

Well I thought I'd give it a shot. You sound
amazing complex and funny. Fear of fish and fear of the dark? I'm guessing
that deep sea diving is probably not on your bucket list :). Rafting this
summer I saw a bunch of river rats like myself on boards like that. They were
amazing! I'm more comfortable though in a raft or a kayak. In all fairness I
haven't tried the river board yet (is that what it's called?) Anyway I'm
rambling. I'm curious what is your name?

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your
profile. It looks like we have quite a lot in common. NOT however the fear of
the dark or eating dead fish, I’m pretty ok in both circumstances lol. So
curious… what is the unique name? Well that and much more…are you an SF
native, what do you do for a living? If you are interested in chatting more
I’d love to hear about you and your world.

I don't think it's any
coincidence that these are the only two e-mails I received from women. I mean, really, I AM rooting for you gentlemen,
but you make it so tough when there are thoughtful women out there putting you
all to shame.

I'm not really smart, but I'm trying to impress you

explore a potent(ial) magiConnexion? :)----------------------------------------------------hi!:)
you sizzle!!! :) but you already know that...
:) besides, your sparkling eyes and
easy smile betray the fact that you are......delightful!!! :) ...which happens to be the trait i most cherish in
an adult homo sapien! everything else would simply be superfluous, yet
appreciated... i find your passionate, energetic and sassy nature to
be very attractive. it is obvious to me that there would be other significant
levels of resonance between you and i as well... which i shall disclose in
due course of time if/when the oft-grumpy "romantic chemistry" gods
seem inclined to showering us both with their elusive blessings, perhaps. :)so... if you might indulge me, missy, with an
opportunity to discover - slowly, gradually, deliciously :) , perhaps - what
makes you tick oh-so-gloriously... all amidst an ineluctable abundance of
joyful raillery, of course! :) ... won't you let me know?ciao, miLovely!:)

Hi. Would you mind closing your thesaurus and
writing an email in plain spoken English?
I find "real people" speak far more appealing.

Perverts

How often do
you masturbate?An image of you a few times a week…

Hi,

You like honest?
Here is honest: I love tall chicks who love to kiss for hours. All I seem to
be able to think about is romancing you, hugging you, kissing ....swooon.
Wow, you, me, hot tubs, hot springs...hot hot hot.

Not coincidentally, both of these e-mails
came from short, balding men.
*sigh* Again, gentlemen, does
this really work with women? Why don't
you try thoughtful, witty or earnest on for size? Trust me when I say, it's refreshing.