Snatch (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

The Smelt Down

How much gold is this Nas
Stone fellow looking to buy?
250K sterling.
That should take care of
your immediate problem.
- King Royston's boy.
- Yeah.
I haven't seen you
around here in a while.
Didn't think I was welcome.
Business or pleasure?
Loads of pleasure.
My man!
How you want your skrilla?
Cash.
- Who are you?
- I'm Uncle Dean.
Looks like you're single, girl.
I never could smell
the roses, Mrs. Hill,
but I could always
sniff out a rotten apple.
Well, it all went according to plan.
Until it didn't.
Yeah.
Yeah, listen, I'm going away
for a very long time, darling.
I need you to be tough, Lil.
I need you to be hard as nails.
And I need you to do something
very important for me.
I want you to send a smoke signal
to every firm on the plot.
You tell them there's
bent cops on the streets
with gold.
Shit loads of gold.
You tell them finders keepers.
You tell them I don't care.
I don't care who gets the gold.
So long
as it's not
Bob Fink.
Bingo.
Give us a minute, would you, Charlie?
Who is that lump, Al?
You don't wanna know.
Patsy.
So what's it gonna be, Albert?
The bolt cutters or a happy ending?
Here you are.
It's all there. It's all accounted for.
Every last bean.
So we good?
Skin of your teeth, son.
Now don't forget,
if you ever need a stop
gap, you got my digits, boy.
First stop, take a
little trip to Saul Gold.
Get him off my case.
Yeah, the best place for your cock
might have been that pickle jar.
And what is that supposed to mean?
No, just kidding, Al.
You know, sense of humor and all that.
Yeah, well, I fail to see the
funny in that actually, Charlie.
Mum?
Mum!
Oh, no, no, no, no!
This cannot be happening!
- Where's the gold, Al?
- Give me a second, Charlie.
- All right?
- Where is it?!
How are we gonna fix this
unmitigated fucking disaster?!
Will you shut up?!
Charlie, give us a minute, please.
Of course, Mrs. H, yeah.
When were you planning on telling me?
I didn't want to worry you, did I?
It's a bit late for that.
Talk.
On fight night, we went after Castillo,
but we hit the wrong truck.
The truck we did hit was
transporting the gold.
Who's gold is it, Albert?
I don't know.
But it's got the same stamp as Dad.
This bloody gold.
Bloody, bloody family!
Leave it now, it's gone now, leave it!
Bob Fink was here
yesterday asking about Dad.
Asking about you, Albert.
Bob Fink was in here?
Did he do this, Mum?
That would be my guess, yes.
He didn't find the gold, though.
So where is it?
I should've thrown it
in the bloody river.
Mum, where is it?
I moved it down the
market to Father John's.
You beauty.
Come on, Charlie.
You got plans?
Maybe.
Maybe what?
Who's to say we got those diamonds back?
- Maybe
- Mwah.
we could take a long ride together.
Mwah.
Get out of this shithole.
Nothing holding us down,
nothing holding us back.
Live life on the move.
Freedom.
Keep the stones.
Leave the others with the gold.
Fair trade, if you ask me.
I've been best mates
with Al for 20 years.
You think I'll bail on him
for a half-decent pair of tits like you?
Half-decent?
Best tits you ever copped hold of.
I had to keep an eye on you
while Castillo was still a threat.
Now it's done.
You kicking me out?
I've got nowhere to go, you asshole!
Oh, you're a smart girl!
- You'll work something out.
- Yeah, too smart
to be with a cupboard squatter like you.
Moving on?
Moving on.
- No.
- Yes.
- No!
- Yes!
No, how did you pull that off, Billy?
Well, four Pikeys walk into a pub
Oh, yes.
What about Castillo?
There is no Castillo, Al.
What about Norman?
He still got a pulse?
Barely!
- They dropped him off at your mum's.
- My mum's, why?
We couldn't exactly
take him to the hospital
with fragments of safe
decorating his face, now could we?
All right, fair enough.
Bob Fink's messed the shop up.
- Bob Fink?
- Reckon he was looking for the gold.
How did that turncoat get onto us?
I have absolutely no idea.
Yeah.
That one
might might just be on me.
The video.
My bloody slippers.
Slippers?
Make some sense, Charlie.
Fink cornered me the other day.
Ooh!
Spouting some nonsense
about seeing my slippers
on the heist video.
What?
And you told him what exactly?
I didn't say a word.
Okay, he got nothing from me.
You might as well have worn a badge
with your name on it.
You should've told me
about this, Charlie.
We could have avoided this problem.
Well, I messed up.
Okay, I'm sorry, guys.
It's not like I'm a
seasoned armed robber, is it?
No, you're not.
Oh, now I've burned the bloody eggs.
I'm gonna get these back to Saul Gold.
Ooh, yeah, uh, wait for me, Al.
This better blow my wig back, boy.
The inventory's accounted for.
So we're done?
Don't get all puffed up
because you fixed your own screw-up.
Your father, poor bastard,
can rest a little easier now.
Now, listen good.
I've got a pickup down by the railyard,
and I need two boys.
Couldn't be simpler.
I've got a Sheikh with more money
than a horse has hair.
He needs a wedding
gift for his new wife.
What kind of a wedding gift?
I don't know yet, but I've
set up a meeting to find out.
Lovely, so what you need me to do?
It's what Charlie
Cavendish-Scott can do.
Oh! Do tell.
So Sheikh Zeshan studied
at Oxford University.
He'll be used to a
certain type of Englishman.
Country estates not
council estates, I get it.
Let's pay your Sheikh a visit.
Let's put him into a gold state of mind.
Ahh!
I heard the good news.
All sorted with Saul.
Told you I'd sort it, didn't I?
Oh, and sort it you did my
boy, and sort it you did.
Mwah!
You're chipper.
What happen, you win the bingo?
Well, you know, a stretch in the hole
gives one time to reflect
upon life's priorities.
The hole?
Come on, what did you do?
Oh, no, the prison
therapist calls the hole
a metaphor for my emotional condition.
If, perish the thought, you'd visit me
a little more often
these past few months,
you'd be more acquainted
with what your old man's
been going through.
I'm terribly sorry, Dad.
Why don't you tell me?
What have you been going through?
Well
I've had visions, son.
Visions of the past.
Visions of the future.
Visions of how things should be.
What's the skinny on the truck heist?
The gold bullion?
Don't know, the street
went dark on that one.
But you've seen the video, haven't you?
Yeah, of course I have. Who hasn't?
It really reminded me
the way they robbed that truck, of
me!
Although, it does
lack a certain finesse.
All brass bollocks
and no brains.
So what's the plan with the winnings?
What are you gonna do with
it on the inside, anyway?
There is no inside.
No walls.
None that matter, anyway.
You look tired, son.
Get some rest.
Do you trust Father
John with our gold, Al?
I don't trust anyone
with that gold, Billy.
Until we can move it,
better the devil we know, eh?
Comes from the Lord!
He who keeps you will not slumber.
The Lord will keep you from all evil.
Amen.
Mighty be his name, Hallelujah!
- You get all that, Billy-Boy?
- Oh, I'm born again, Al.
In the house of Father John.
Albert Hill.
Give him praise.
Give him adoration.
So it appears you have inherited
your father's spirit for adventure.
Something like that, Father John.
Life's either a great adventure
or nothing at all, my son.
I have a parish project
I'd like to discuss with you.
Give whatever you can give.
Reach in your pocket and
Are you looking for redemption, mate?
Redemption?
Before lunch?
Your path begins here, brother.
With Father John.
For a tenner.
Cheap at half the price.
Keeps the Devil from your door.
Speak of the Devil
and his horns shall appear!
Put one of those on ice for me.
I trust attendance is good
at the moment, Father John?
Yeah, well, there are
many lost souls in need
of the Lord's protection in
these most troubled of times.
So what's the price to keep
my commodity safe and sound?
That depends on the
value of the commodity
and its exposure.
Two million views.
The Internet is a
marvel of communication,
is it not, Albert?
So what's this gonna run me?
Well, the mission is in
desperate need of repair.
I've been quoted 50,000 for a new roof.
A fair contribution
for the work involved.
And what insurance do I
get for this contribution?
Security's tighter than
Fort Knox's asshole, son.
50 grand to a bent priest?
Mate, I thought we were the ones
supposed to be making good off the gold.
We just gotta find a buyer.
Charlie, where are you?
I'm at the hotel.
Chloe there?
Right by my side.
Come over to the houseboat
as soon as you're done.
I gotta take care of something.
Billy Ayers getting attached.
Behave yourself, soppy bollocks.
You don't think I'm
overselling it, do you?
- No.
- Oh, oh.
One thing to bear in mind,
the Sheikhs are super fickle.
A year back, Saul spent
weeks trying to fix a deal,
only to lose it by
calling one of them sir.
Well, what should he have called him?
Sheikh, Charlie.
Their title is Sheikh.
Once we're done with these Sheikhs,
um, maybe you and I
Lord Cavendish and Chloe Koen
here to see Sheikh Zeshan.
I like these Sheikhs.
What's this?
Who are you?
- Sheikh Zeshan, Chloe Koen.
- Pleased to meet you.
Please may I present
Lord Charles Cavendish.
At your service, Sheikh.
So what do you have for me?
More necklaces? Tiaras?
Not another damn Faberge egg.
Better.
Lord Cavendish has a large holding
of exquisite, one-of-a-kind
gold artifacts.
I have palaces full of gold artifacts!
I'm getting married in a few months,
and the princess is
not easily impressed.
I need something, um unexpected.
I know exactly what you mean.
Lord Cavendish has just the thing.
Yes, I do.
Wh wh which one
of my many artifacts
did you have specifically in mind?
The solid
24 karat gold
bathtub.
Imagine it.
Your fiancée.
A soapy lather.
That unmistakable glint.
Bathing in gold
every night.
A glimmer of pure opulence.
Enriching the man
who slips in beside her.
I want one.
What?!
You don't have one?!
Of course we have one, Sheikh.
When is delivery?
We fly out to Dubai tomorrow night.
The price is 10 million pounds sterling.
Blah blah, I like it! I'll buy it.
Well, you won't be disappointed, sir
Sheikh Ze Zash Zee
4:00 p.m. tomorrow, we'll be in touch
about the location, and your men
can pick up the bath.
Thank you so much, Sheikh Zeshan.
Ahh, throw another log on for me, love.
Nice day at the beach, darling?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the
water was lovely and warm.
Now now listen, before you react,
uh, just take a moment.
What have you done, Vic?
I hit a screw.
I don't know why!
You selfish bastard.
You had three months left.
You'll have another 18
months on your sentence.
I've done enough time in here, Lil.
- I can't do anymore.
- No, Vic, no.
Don't you try it. Don't you dare.
The wheels are in motion. Gotta go.
- Vic.
- I gotta go, luv.
Vic!
It's time.
I'm gonna fly the nest.
Should we use the same
lab up in Chelmsford?
Nasty zombie meths up there.
Them boys were chewing their faces off.
Heh.
The nastier, the better.
Yeah.
Done deal.
We deliver to the Sheikh
tomorrow afternoon.
Tomorrow slow down.
How much does he want?
All of it. He wants all of it!
A ten-million-pound gold wedding gift.
I mean, money is just
no object to this guy.
So all the gold gone in one fell swoop?
Ten million quid? Simple as that?
Well, there is one small catch.
- What catch?
- Yeah.
We have to smelt it first.
Smelt it? Into what?
- A bathtub.
- A solid gold bathtub.
And how we supposed to do that?
Oh, Jesus, Al.
We don't have all the answers.
Well?
What do you want?
I dunno.
I guess I just wanted to sort things out
after this morning.
Nothing to sort out.
We're moving on, right?
Oi, here's the thing.
I'm not the boyfriend type.
I'd be a shit boyfriend 'cause
I've never actually been one.
What are you talking about?
You know, the guy you call every day,
the guy you spend all your time with.
That guy isn't me.
I just wasn't made that way.
What, and you think I am?
Sonny Castillo is dead in a dumpster.
I'm not the settling down type either.
I just wanted to get
away from all this shit.
And you were the closest
guy with a six-pack,
a motorbike, and a bag of diamonds.
So, uh, we good?
Good, bad.
Who gives a shit, right?
Yeah.
Who gives a shit?
Mmm mmm mmm!
So what's with the big rush?
We've got a buyer lined
up for tomorrow afternoon.
Your traveler mates, they
know how to smelt gold?
Yeah, Uncle Dean.
He'll be the man for the job.
Why are we smelting gold exactly?
We need to make a gold bath.
A gold bath?
A gold bath?
Yeah.
Well
I made a gold shitter once.
So can you do it?
Can you make a gold bathtub?
Aye.
I'll give it a crack.
Ladies and gentlemen,
ready for the main event.
Contrary to popular belief,
the majority of
Travelers are well-heeled,
hard-working citizens.
True, we enjoy an alternative lifestyle.
attempting to evade the punitive taxes
that a hostile government
imposes upon us.
But never forget
you are amidst
the greatest craftsmen
you have ever seen!
You sure about this, Al?
I am far from sure about this, Charlie.
Horse shit and wood ash.
Nature's crucible.
Sure, it has to withstand temperatures
of 1,950 degrees Fahrenheit.
I have the young'uns on the job,
bringing it to the boil.
In our little community,
when there's a job worth doing,
we all muck in.
So start digging,
ya ballicks!
The girls have fashioned
you a beautiful bath
made entirely from wax.
Won't it melt?
That's the whole idea, darlin'.
Lost wax casting.
It's in the name.
Come on, girls!
Hey!
Time is a 'wasting!
Ready to pour?
Ready so.
Alchemists and metallurgists
have been in our family for generations.
Millennia.
We have taken our skills
east to China,
south to Egypt,
and all across the Holy Roman Empire
until this place
at this time.
But never
has an outsider
been witness to our magic.
Tonight, tis your honor
to pop the cherry.
Pop whose cherry?
One clean strike.
So what happens now?
Well now
we get twatted.
'Cause there's nothing we
can do till the morning.
It's a painful proposition
being human.
From the moment we leave the womb
we're at the mercy of the oppressors.
the lecherous
the inhumane.
It's a wonder
a miracle really
that one ever achieves
any peace at all.
Eat up, boys. We're here all night.
All right, so let's
open her up, take her clothes off,
and see her naked.
Whoa!
- And come on!
- Ahh!
Aah!
Sheikh's here, Charlie.
Okay.
Okay, stay calm.
Hello, Sheikh Zeshan.
Why did we have to come here?
No showroom?
For such a high-priced item,
we deliver on-site
for insurance purposes.
I have a plane to catch.
Where is this bath?
I'll have it brought around now, Sheikh.
We're on.
Where the hell is it?!
I should have just
bought her another yacht.
Oh, here it is now, Sheikh.
Who are these two?
Th th these are just
my delivery men, Sheikh.
I like it.
It's unique.
Does the bird come with the bath?
What did you say?
What is this?
I'm a mediator.
Engaged to make sure all
parties are satisfied.
Nothing to be concerned about, Sheikh.
Uh, shall we, uh, complete
the, uh, transaction, Sheikh?
This is a lot of force
for a bathroom fixture.
Bathroom fixture?
This is a 24-karat,
handmade gold bath, mate.
With all due respect, Sheikh,
this is an exquisite piece.
As my assistant here
plainly pointed out,
this is a 24-karat bath.
A collector's item.
Handmade by the finest artisans.
Well, there are other
people interested.
I'll take it, I'll take it.
If you could transfer
the agreed funds
- Ring it up.
- Okay.
- Yes, 2-5-3-6-7-1
- Zero.
- 6
- Zero zero.
Albert Hill!
You've been a naughty boy.
Yalla, let's go, let's go!
No, no, no, no, no! Shit!
Up and at 'em, boys!
Fink!
Well, come on then!
Chloe!
Don't you touch her!
Aah!
Whoa!
Are you prepare to
shoot a man of the cloth
for material gains?
Uh, yeah.
In a heartbeat.
Get in!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Fuck!
Fuck!
We need to get out of town.
There's way too much heat.
My family's place in the country.
Straight up the M1, it's perfect.
Well, I hope it's comfy, Charlie,
'cause we might be there for a while.
Aah!
Aah!
To the brim?
Everything okay?
Yes, Norman, fine.
Thinking about Vic?
Amongst other things.
So he's on the countdown.
Three months and he's home
Oh, I don't know, Norman.
What's with all the questions?
Eh?
You worried gonna have to start
cooking for yourself again?
Sorry, that was a little strong.
While I was convalescing,
I was remembering the
times you'd cook me and Vic
a fry-up after a job.
Always at some ungodly hour.
We'd polish off a bottle or two.
Vic would be snoring on the sofa, and
you and I would talk and
and giggle till it got light.
Having a laugh.
Yeah, they were good times, Norman.
For all of us.
Who is it?
Police! Open up or
we'll put the door in.
No need for that.
Lily Hill, you alone?
Firstly, you know exactly who I am,
and secondly, of course I'm on my own.
You put my husband behind bars.
We have reason to believe
you're in possession
of illegal firearms.
Up to your old tricks again, Bob?
Oi, be careful with my things!
Come on!
- Find anything?
- Nothing here, sir.
All right, well, check in there.
- Done, checked, it's
- Check again.
Sir!
I found something.
Oh, for Christ sakes!
Lily Hill, I'm arresting you
on suspicion of possessing
Prohibited Weapons
defined by Section Five
of the Firearms Act, 1968,
You do not have to say anything,
but it may it harm your defense
if you do not mention my questioned
something which you
later rely on in court.
Anything you do say may
be given in evidence.
All right?
Off we go.
Two pair.
- Full house.
- Mmph!
- Deal me again.
- Right, why, you up?
- Can I get involved?
- There is a minimum stake.
Will these do?
Ah, white chocolate.
My favorite.
Nice bit of shopping, Smudger.
That's for you.
I can smell the fresh air already, Vic.
Good boy.
Cheers, Mr. H.
Whose house did you say
this was again, Charlie?
Oh, my cousin Monty.
Where exactly is Cousin Monty?
Zurich, last I heard.
Might have run a bit afoul
with the Inland Revenue.
Naughty, naughty Cousin Monty.
In we go.
They leave the keys to this
place under the plant pot?
You know, rich people shit.