Lost for Words

Once I attended a Beth Moore Bible study at a local church. In one of the videos, Mrs. Moore talked about feeling detached from God for a period of time. She described the lost feeling she was carrying in her heart. She talked about how she mourned for not feeling God close. She explained that she just wanted that close feeling back again.

Just last week, Mark and I went window shopping at Mardel’s. Don’t you just love looking around in that store? I could and did spend hours in there touching every single item……. Anyways, I caught myself thinking:

I miss spending time here. I miss looking at my next Christian book to read. I even miss looking for my next blog giveaway.

Then it hit me. I, like Beth Moore, miss the closeness I once held with Jesus. I stood there lost for words.

Don’t misunderstand me. I haven’t fallen away from Jesus. I just don’t have the same vigor I once had.

Being the over analyzer that I am…… it can be a burden sometimes……. I started asking myself the million dollar question: WHY? What has changed? Then, I started making a list:

Do I still believe?

Is it my home church?

Is it because I work now?

Has God cut me off?

Am I doing something wrong?

Have my priorities shifted?

Am I crazy?

The last question is debatable. It can be said that I am a weee bit on the nuts side. But when I think about it……. At one time I wore the title “Jesus Freak” proudly. Hmmm….. What has happened to me? I know God is still there. He hasn’t cut me off. I mean there are verses in the scripture that say He will never leave me. (Deuteronomy 31:8, Hebrews 13:5) Am I doing something wrong? I don’t think I am living in the wrong. I am still active to a point– Ahem. To. A. Point. That might give me some insight. When I was a stay at home mom, I had time to study, read, participate in a dozen Bible studies, and to blog. During the school year, my time is taken up by the classroom and all the work that goes into teaching. It is tough. But what is my excuse for the summer?

Well, let’s see. I am writing curricular maps, learning Google classroom, reading literature to teach (I have read 3 novels just this week), taking an online course for Arkansas History, attending workshops, and so much more. See teachers really don’t have a summer vacation. We are educating ourselves so we can educate our students. Days of summer fun are really limited. I will put away my soap box.

Nothing on my list jumps out. I can justify every single question.

But are they just excuses?

Are my justifications validating or should I see a bigger picture here? I mean, when we started going to church many years ago, I was working full time plus having small kids. And my heart was burning up for Jesus.

Have my priorities changed that much? I must ponder on this some more.