Jay Z was ferociously assaulted by Beyonce’s sister Solange … who was wildly kicking and swinging at him inside an elevator … and the attack was captured on surveillance video … obtained by TMZ.

According to our sources, it all went down at a Met Gala after party last week at the Standard Hotel in NYC. In the video … Jay Z, Beyonce and Solange step into the elevator … and then Solange goes crazy, screaming at Jay before unleashing a violent attack.

A large man — who appears to be a bodyguard — attempts to hold Solange back, but she manages to connect at least 3 times. At one point Solange throws a kick and Jay grabs her foot, but never attempts to strike her. Beyonce stands by without getting physically involved.

It’s unclear what triggered the fight.

My favorite part of this is how Bey stands off to the side, like it’s totes normal for her kid sister to act like she’s on “Jerry Springer” and just found out Jay-Z isn’t the father. Even in a closed elevator, she’s BEYONCE, BITCHES so she’s too good for this shit.

Say “The Golden Girls” to any gay man with a sense of history and you’ll likely get a treatise on his five (maybe even 10) favorite episodes. It’s something Our Lady of Perpetual Goodness Betty White knows all too well, telling a radio host back in 2011:

“I think the gay community seems to like old ladies, they always have. And when we were on live with ‘Golden Girls’ on Saturday night they’d shut down the music, stop the dancing, watch the show, then turn the music and the dancing back on. We were very grateful and they’ve been dear friends.”

She’s been a vocal supporter of gay marriage for many years, too, once telling Parade:

“If a couple has been together all that time—and there are gay relationships that are more solid than some heterosexual ones—I think it’s fine if they want to get married. I don’t know how people can get so anti-something. Mind your own business, take care of your affairs, and don’t worry about other people so much.”

And like all good wines, cheeses and vintage Gibson guitars, White only gets better with age. In an interview this week with Larry King (yeah, he’s still doing that), she responded to a viewer who asked what she thinks about people who aren’t down with the cause:

“I don’t care whom you sleep with. It’s ‘what kind of a human being are you?’ I don’t understand [why people are anti-gay], it’s such a personal private business and it’s none of mine.”

She also, in an incredibly ladylike way, gave the side-eye to celebrity douchebags when she was asked if there’s anything about the entertainment industry that makes her sad:

“Some of the ingratitude … some of the people who get to a very good point and they don’t appreciate it. They think it’s coming to them, they think it’s their due. It isn’t. There’s always someone over there who can do it better.”

When Jodie Foster won the Cecil B. DeMille award at last year’s Golden Globes (video of that is below), she gave a lovely if rambling acceptance speech that for all practical purposes served as her official coming-out.

Afterwards, most people were all “that’s nice dear, please pass the salt,” while others insisted the rest of us were reading way too much into it and that just because a woman everyone already knew was gay pretty much said so on national television, she didn’t explicitly say it so HEY LIBERALS STOP TRYING TO MAKE EVERYONE GAY.

But now Foster’s rep has confirmed that Jodie and her girlfriend of nearly a year, actress and photographer Alexandra Hedison, wifed-up and tied the knot this weekend. THANKS OBAMA.

Hedison’s acting credits include three seasons as Dylan Moreland on the Showtime series “The L Word,” and her personal resume includes a three-year stint as Ellen DeGeneres‘ girlfriend (they split way back in 2004). As for Jodie, she’s been single since 2008, when she and her partner of 20 years, Cydney Bernard — affectionately mentioned in her Globes speech — parted ways after having two kids together.

No word on whether the bride(s) wore white or who was there or even where the nuptials took place. But unless you think she’s been forced into marriage by Beyonce and Jay-Z and the rest of the Illuminati, the whole “is Jodie Foster really gay” question has probably now been settled once and for all.

On another note, I’ve never seen “The L Word” but apparently Alex was super hot on it. As Michael K over at dlisted so eloquently put it, “I’m gayer than a squirt of strawberry-scented lube on a purple glitter dildo and even I wanted to marry Alexandra when she was on ‘The L Word.’”

If you don’t pay much attention to celebrity news, you probably only know Alicia Silverstone as “the blonde one” in old Aerosmith videos and/or as the spoiled-but-sweet Cher from “Clueless.” But in recent years, she’s gained a reputation as a stereotypical hippie mom who does crazy shit like pre-chewing her son Bear’s (yes, that’s his name) food and then spitting it back into his mouth.

Now she’s written a book full of wizened bon mots to “show you the way to have a luminous, present, ailment-free pregnancy.” Along the way, she’ll “help prevent or even cure your PMS, insomnia, allergies, breakouts, weight struggles, thyroid condition, lupus, multiple sclerosis—while significantly lowering your risk of heart disease, diabetes, and cancer.”

Sounds legit.

Here’s a brief preview (courtesy of the Daily Beast) of what you’ll find in the book.

Silverstone says diapers are “fueled by corporate-backed pseudoscience” and that if you just pay attention to your child’s “cues,” duh, you won’t need them.

She noticed that “when Bear looked like he was flirting with me, smiling sweetly, or looking deep into my eyes, he’d be peeing.” Another signal was when he would “stare off into space for a second.” She assures readers that it’s “not all guesswork” and if you’re really in tune with your maternal instincts, then you too may start referring to yourself as a “potty whisperer.” And there are myriad benefits for EC-trained babies, who are “much more content leaving their business in the grass than having to sleep and eat accompanied by their own pee and poo.”

Call me part of the problem, but if you show up to my house with an undiapered baby, the lawn is about the only place I’ll let you hang.

About tampons, she says:

“[Y]our chichi is the most absorbent part of your body. Unfortunately, feminine-care manufacturers aren’t required to tell you what’s in their products, which means that no one’s talking about the potential pesticide residues from non-organic cotton and the ‘fragrances’ containing hormone-upsetting, fertility-knocking phthalates that are snuggling up to your hoo-ha.”

“While there has not been a conclusive study of the negative effects of such a rigorous one-size-fits-all, shoot-’em-up schedule, there is increasing anecdotal evidence from doctors who have gotten distressed phone calls from parents claiming their child was ‘never the same’ after receiving a vaccine. And I personally have friends whose babies were drastically affected in this way.”

What greater control group could you possibly want than a group of Alicia Silverstone’s friends. And while, yeah, she doesn’t sound quite as unhinged as McCarthy and Cavallari, questioning the safety of vaccines like this is increasingly dangerous.

Back in 2012, ‘Mad Men’ star Jon Hamm famously said what everyone else was thinking when he told British Elle:

“Whether it’s Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you’re rewarded significantly.”

This hurt Kim’s widdle feewings and caused her to take an unprecedented break from her exhausting schedule of posting selfies and breastfeeding E! Online to shoot back (via Twitter, of course) with, “Calling someone who runs their own businesses, is a part of a successful TV show, produces, writes, designs, and creates, ‘stupid,’ is in my opinion careless.”

Then someone shot a laser pointer at the wall and she scampered off.

Hamm, however, is still adorably unafraid of speaking his mind, because our favorite non-sufferer of fools (and underwear) is now back in the news, telling truth about Justin Bieber to the May issue of Men’s Fitness:

“Look at Bieber or whoever. You’re like, ‘What the fuck, man? What are you doing? Why?’ There’s no one telling those people no, and it’s a shame. [He should have] a mom or a dad or a really good friend who can say, ‘Hey, shithead!’

You see people in the world and you’re like, ‘Do you know how a washing machine works? Do you know how to wash a dish?’ Life skills are something we’re missing … just shit you needed to learn in life. There used to be a class that kids had to take in high school called home economics, which was cooking and sewing and just shit you needed to learn in life.”

He’s totally right, of course. Too bad Bieber’s parents are so worthless — his dad is a violent loser and his mom has always been too busy being a leech to give him any boundaries.

But never mind all that. Can we get Jon to write a YA book? “Life Lessons with Jon Hamm” would be a runaway bestseller.

Here, lemme just start with the tl;dr version of this story: A 31-year-old guy named Michael Egan says that when he was about 15, “X-Men” director Bryan Singer began sexually abusing him under the guise of helping him establish an acting career. Now Egan has filed a civil suit and wants a whole bunch of money for it.

Here’s the more detailed version: When Egan was 15, he and his family moved to L.A. from Nevada so he could become an actor and a model. Not long afterward, Egan wound up at a pool party at an estate in Encino, which was apparently some sort of hotbed (so to speak) where men lured twinks, plied them with drugs and alcohol, and then had sex with them — all while promising to make them stars.

If you want the really detailed version, toddle over to The Wrap, which has excerpts from the legal documents and such. And TMZ (because of course TMZ) has video of a presser Egan did earlier today.

Are the accusations true? Who knows.

Of course Singer’s rep has denied everything ever, calling the allegations “defamatory” and “completely without merit,” but we do know that in 1997, Singer was unsuccessfully sued by a 14-year-old extra from his movie “Apt Pupil” who said that during a shower scene, Singer made him (and other little boys) get nekkid. The rumor was that he saved that footage for his own personal use.

But back to Egan’s claims. Look, I don’t know any more about this than anyone else, and Michael K over at dlisted heard about Singer’s twink parties a long time ago, so something hinky probably WAS going on.

That said, Jeff Herman, the lawyer who’s representing Egan, is the same one who represented five guys with dubious claims against “Sesame Street” Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash a couple years ago. Four of those cases were dismissed, and the remaining plaintiff never could get his story straight — and was just sentenced to jail for being a thief.

“Hollywood has a problem with the sexual exploitation of children,” Herman said. “This is the first of many cases I will be filing to give these victims a voice and to expose the issue.”

He’s almost certainly right about Hollywood’s exploitation of children. I’d just feel a lot better about his sense of justice if it didn’t have so many dollar signs attached.

Mila Kunis could quite literally have just about any man (or, really, any woman) she wants. Which makes it all the more puzzling that she sifted through the world’s population of roughly 7 billion people and plucked out … Ashton Kutcher.

But because we are not meant to understand all of life’s little mysteries, the former “That ’70s Show” co-stars are now engaged and even expecting a baby together. And while I may think Ashton is a lying, cheating piece, there’s little question that he’s a pretty lying, cheating piece, so the blending of his DNA with Mila’s should, in theory anyway, produce a beautiful child.

And according to Us Weekly, that genetically gifted offspring will be a girl.

Although the daughter-to-be will be the first child for both Kunis, 30, and Kutcher, 36, the ‘Two and Half Men’ hunk “got plenty of practice with Demi’s girls,” one pal notes. Indeed, for six years, Kutcher was famously stepdad to Rumer, 25, Scout, 22, and Tallulah, 20, ex-wife Demi Moore‘s kids with Bruce Willis.

Ecstatic for impending fatherhood, “Ashton is doting on Mila,” another friend notes of the reformed party boy, who’s already lining up playdates with the couple’s old “That ’70s Show” costar Danny Masterson and Fianna, his 2-month-old daughter.

What all this means is in just a few years, Ashton will be threatening the lives of boys just like him — proving karma does exist after all.

Subtitle: Three-Time Razzie Award Winner Who People Used To Want To See Naked Engaged to “Entourage” Creator Mark Wahlberg’s Older Brother Who Used to Be Kind Of Relevant

That’s right, your favorite “danger to public welfare” Jenny McCarthy is back in the news, but this time it’s more awwtism than autism (shut up). Despite her earlier protests that she would never again get married, the former host of “Singled Out” and star of a shoe commercial that depicted her with her underwear around her ankles just accepted a proposal from boyfriend Donnie Wahlberg, who was NKOTB’s bad boy if you believe NKOTB was capable of having such things.

The individual-responsible-for-the-spread-of-preventable-diseases was thrilled to accept a substantial yellow sapphire rock from the individual-responsible-for-the-spread-of-boy-bands-like-One-Direction. Unfortunately, Wahlberg did not simply say “please don’t go, girl,” “you got the right stuff” and I want to be “hangin’ tough” with you forever (which, come on, would’ve been cheestastically awesome) but instead enlisted McCarthy’s son to hold up signs asking her to marry Donnie because that’s not emotionally manipulative at all.

The how-are-these-two-not-irrelevant-by-now couple are planning an August 2015 wedding. We expect Debbie Gibson will officiate and the pair will exchange vows and his-and-hers snap bracelets.

In happier news, Jim Carrey is somewhere breathing a sigh of relief and hoping this means the 2am texts will finally stop.

UPDATED: Mulgrew issued a statement on her Facebook page saying she was only a “voice for hire” and adding, “I am not a geocentrist, nor am I in any way a proponent of geocentrism.” So it looks like the creepy Robert Sungenis somehow duped more than scientists for his little project.

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Once upon a time, like, 400 years ago, a dude named Galileo posited that the earth revolves around the sun and not the other way around like everyone thought. Long story short, he got in a lot of trouble for his theory, even though he was completely and totally right and everyone has known it for HUNDREDS OF YEARS.

Well, everyone except the 25 percent of Americans that a recent survey found don’t know even the most basic shit about science. And it’s those people that Kate Mulgrew — aka Captain Janeway from “Star Trek: Voyager” and, more recently, Red from “Orange Is the New Black” — is apparently targeting with her latest project, which is narrating a documentary called “The Principle” that says Galileo duped us all and hahahah funny story but the sun actually revolves around the earth, you guys!

Making matters worse is that the filmmaker is noted anti-Semite and Holocaust-denier Robert Sungenis, who boasts about having noted scientists involved with this fairy tale — except at least one of them, Lawrence Krauss, tweeted this today:

For all who asked: Some clips of me apparently were mined for movie on geocentricism. So stupid does disservice to word nonsense. Ignore it.

Anyway, here’s the movie trailer in which you’ll hear Mulgrew saying, “Everything we think we know about our universe is wrong,” thus causing Neil deGrasse Tyson‘s eyes to roll so hard he had to take a break from filming “Cosmos” to find them.

Hard to believe it’s been 20 years since the suicide of Kurt Cobain. (I refuse to type “alleged suicide.” Courtney Love, Cobain’s widow, might not be the paragon of innocence and stability, but that doesn’t mean I buy into the murder/conspiracy theories. Yet, anyway.)

The world has changed a lot from the one the Seattle Grunge Messiah once knew: Doc Martens are no longer the fashionable stompers they used to be, Al Gore’s internet has connected the world in a digital realm of file sharing and animated GIFs, and plaid flannel shirts have once again become the almost sole domain of Canadian lumberjacks.

In the time since Cobain shuffled off this mortal coil, we’ve also seen the rise of Britney Spears, her inevitable fall, her comeback, and her becoming a Vegas staple (there was also some head-shaving in there … but that isn’t really relevant to anything, probably).

Anyway, things might be different than they used to be, but that doesn’t mean that Nirvana has faded from our hearts and minds. Impressively — thanks to live albums, greatest hits, box sets, singles, and previously unreleased tracks — the group has had more album releases posthumously than when Cobain was still with us. And on April 10, Nirvana will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (an honor possibly less significant when you realize Hall and Oates are in the same induction class).

Also keeping Nirvana relevant in modern pop culture? All the court battles that have sprung up over the years between Courtney Love and Cobain’s surviving bandmates, Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl, over who exactly holds the legal rights to Nirvana’s music.

Aside from that, Courtney and her band Hole recently announced a reunion and an upcoming single, and she’s also kept her legal team busy with a landmark Twitter libel case (in which we all won the right to continue mocking those who annoy us in 140 characters or less).

Meanwhile, Nirvana’s former drummer Dave Grohl started and fronts a little band you may have heard of called Foo Fighters (fingers crossed they’ll take off soon — they’ve only sold 10 million albums in the US but I’m confident they’ll get noticed if they just hang in there). As for Krist Novoselic, Nirvana bass handler, he’s been super politically active and, uh, lost most of his hair.

Look, I know not everyone was a fan of Nirvana’s or Cobain’s. In fact, not everyone reading this was even alive when Cobain’s body was found on April 8, 1994, a few days after he died of a self-inflicted gunshot at the tender age of 27. Personally, I was a fan — and I can still remember where I was when I heard the tragic news. It’s a loss I still feel to this day.