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Monday, October 31, 2011

Tomorrow I have my D&C follow-up appointment with my OB. It's so hard to believe a whole month has gone by already since we said goodbye to Baby#2. I guess time flies when you're not having fun too.

I'm so nervous about my appointment, and I'm really not sure why. I have a lot - and I mean a lot - of things I want to talk with her about. I even have a list. And yes, this time I'm actually going to hold my list in my hands and bring up every single thing on it. I'm not going to leave it in my purse and try to remember everything I was going to ask, only to forget and kick myself for it later.

Hopefully the appointment will go great and I'll come away excited to have some answers, and have a more concrete plan in place as to where we go from here. Look for my update!

Monday, October 24, 2011

I'll just start this post off by saying I'm a little mad. This is basically going to be nothing but a vent.

We have season tickets for our college football team, and every home game we tailgate with a few friends. The first home game this year I was just 8 weeks pregnant, but we decided to throw caution to the wind and go ahead and tell them we were expecting. And besides, I'm a bit of a lush and we knew it was going to be obvious anyway the second I refused a beer. So naturally, get a few women together, and the first two games it was all baby talk. How were we going to decorate the nursery? Were we going to find out the gender? Did we have any names picked out yet?

And then I miscarried.

This Saturday was the first game since the miscarriage. We made sure our friends had known about the miscarriage ahead of time so there wouldn't be the awkward - "where's your baby bump?" moment. One of the girls had called me this week to see how I was doing, and asked me about it again when we first met up (before the other couple had arrived yet). Then our other friends showed up. And the wife did not awknowledge the miscarriage at all. I did not get one simple "I'm sorry" out of her.

As the morning went on, I kept waiting for her to say something, and my blood pressure continued to rise with every minute that passed with her not saying anything. When we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways, I instantly started venting to Jeff. All he could say was "well, some people just don't know what to say in situations like that."

Really?

Is that really an acceptable excuse? Is it really okay for a 30-something year old woman (who has a child herself and should be able to guess what the pain of losing a child would feel like) to just not say anything to another woman who experienced a loss? I understand it's an uncomfortable situation, but in my opinion that is not a good enough excuse to not say anything. Those of us who have lost do no expect much. We don't expect flowers, cards, gifts. All we ask is for an "I'm sorry." A simple acknowledgement of a life that was lost. Is that really too much to ask?

I'm sure many of you have experienced the same thing, and I would love to hear your experiences and how you dealt with them.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Hello fellow bloggers! I've only participated on ICLW once, and it was several months ago, so excuse me if I'm a little rusty. After our second loss I felt compelled to participate again and try to reach out to others that may be going through the same things I am.

A quick background: I'm 30 and my husband is 37. We have been together for over 5 years, and married for 2. We started TTC a year and a half ago, and a handful of fertility drugs and two miscarriages later, we are right back to where we started. I always suspected I would have some trouble conceiving, but never in a million years dreamed it would take this long, or that we would face not one, but two, losses.

Where we stand today: our second loss was just a couple weeks ago. I have a follow up appointment with my doctor in two weeks and at that time we'll be discussing in more detail having testing done for RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss).

I look forward to "meeting" some new people and following your journeys!

Monday, October 10, 2011

I have to say I'm doing suprisingly well. I almost feel guilty for admitting that. For some reason this loss hasn't hit me as hard as the first one. Maybe it's because I've been through it before and know what to expect? Maybe it's because I was half-way bracing myself for this outcome throughout this whole pregnancy? Maybe it's because I simply hate feeling sad and depressed, and have therefore refused to let myself feel that way? Maybe it's because it's been confirmed twice now that we can get pregnant, and after the first loss I was worried it would be the one and only time we would even get pregnant? Whatever the reasons may be, I'm just grateful that I have been able to stay so strong about this.

I went back to work today. I ended up taking all of last week off, which, miscarriage or not, was a much needed break. I made the mistake of going back to work 2 days after my D&C the first time, and cried the entire day. I think being thrown back into the real world so quickly was way too hard for me, and so with this loss I decided to give myself that time and slowly ease back into the world. It feels good to be back though. It's nice to get back into a routine and have life feel normal again.

One thing I do know is I will not let infertility and pregnancy loss beat me. I'm ready to fight this battle, no matter how long it takes and how hard I have to fight. Bring it on suckers, because I will not let you win. You can beat me down all you want, but I'm just going to get up that much stronger each time, ready to fight that much harder.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

This week we had to say goodbye again. We've lost yet another baby. We went in for our NT Scan yesterday, and discovered there was no heartbeat. The baby was only measuring 7w6d, and I was suppose to be 12w. I was devastated, and started bawling right then and there. I couldn't believe my worst nightmare was coming true right before my very eyes. What was suppose to be a fun, exciting appointment where we were going to watch our little one and get some great photos to take home turned into one of the worst days of my life.

My doctor was on call and was, thankfully, able to still call me last night around 5:30. I told her I wanted a D&C again, and she agreed that would be the best thing to do. She was able to get it scheduled for this morning. In that respect, I'm just thankful for the quick response and that we were able to start putting this behind us sooner rather than later.

As of tonight, I'm doing okay. I think somehow I'm more accepting of it this time, or maybe I'm just still numb from it all. I think I've mentioned this before, but one of the things about both miscarriages that bothers me a lot, is the fact that my body takes so long to recognize it. I've been walking around for the last 4 weeks thinking all was well, and it wasn't. My boobs were still sore and big, I was still pretty exhausted on a daily basis, and I was even starting to get a little bump.

Where do we go from here? My doctor said they normally don't do testing until you've had 3 miscarriages, but said she completely understands if we're ready to take that next step now. As soon as Jeff and I found out yesterday we already had decided we wanted testing before moving forward. So after my levels drop back to zero, we'll do that testing. Then, assuming nothing is found with that, next pregnancy I'll be on progesterone suppositories up until about 12 weeks. She said that low progesterone could be what's causing this, but of course now there is no way to know for sure now. She also said the supplements might not help anything, but it certainly doesn't hurt to try them. So, all things considered, I'm glad we at least have a plan in place moving forward.

I'm going to spend the next few months working on improving myself. I'm not happy at all with the weight I've let myself creep back up to. So I plan on making some changes with my diet and exercise and just spend this time focusing on getting healthier, which certainly can't hurt if/when I get pregnant again.

I still can't believe all these labels I now find myself in. Infertile. Recurrent miscarriage. Ugh, when will it finally be our turn to get what we want and be happy??

About Me

Hello and welcome! I started this blog in 2011 in the midst of our infertility journey. After 3 unexplained miscarriages (likely due to my PCOS diagnosis), and the help of some drugs, I conceived twins! Our miracles, Chase and Alexis, were born in January 2013. Life has been crazy since they were born, and my hope is to start dedicating more time to sharing the good, bad, and the ugly here with you all!