Today’s post brings you my latest bridal trainwreck masterpiece, which is also appearing over at the lovely and talented Broke-Ass Bride’s page as a part of her Real Bride series. I normally don’t post in entirety a piece that appeared as a guest post, but this matters enough to me to do so because I make every attempt to be honest and vulnerable in my writing here. Oh, and make an ass of myself. I do that all too well. So here ya go.

This is my face.

No one tells you how shitty planning a wedding can make you feel sometimes. I was simply not prepared.

Before I expound, I have to make this humble request: If there is actually a 100% tested-and-approved rule book to follow for not pissing people off when planning a wedding, please order it for me on Amazon and send it my way. But as far as I know, there is no such thing in existence.

I wish there was, as it would appear the planning process is filled with potential traps and pitfalls around every corner. Just when you’re patting yourself on the back for checking a biggie off the to-do list, there is someone just waiting to pull you by your shirt sleeve off into a corner and whisper conspiratorially into your ear about how you should have done it.

The guest list, for instance. Trust me on this: Someone will be forgotten. And even if it was COMPLETELY on accident and you have not spoken with them in years, they will be deeply, gravely and irreparably hurt. Or conversely, you may invite someone controversial – someone you know will cause a ripple in the emotional pond, but social obligations win – and suddenly you’re being angrily chastised for your insensitivity. As it turns out, guest lists are a tricky, tricky bitch to tame and you can’t and won’t win, so the best you can do is just make your choices, put on the battle gear and prepare yourself for the reactions.

Speaking of, don’t even get me started on my Save the Dates. I second-guessed my use of the clear address labels. The fonts I picked. The magnet vs paper. The design. The colors. The stamps. When to send them. And what to include in the content of them. In the end, I loved what we sent. And you know what? Apparently I screwed up because I didn’t put the location of our wedding on it. Oh, and I didn’t create a website (or register yet!!) and include that on it too. I’m a terrible bride-to-be.

I thought I did so well…

Now prepare yourself, because I’m going to be straight-up, balls-out, honest with you for a minute. Between my bestie (also getting married) and I, we have personally been through the following because of our choices thus far:

de-friendings on Facebook

nasty phone calls/texts

silent treatments

family feuds of WWIII proportions

fist-fights between grown men

being made to feel inferior because of our wedding decisions

being told our choices are flat-out wrong

requests that decisions be cleared by family members before being finalized

emergency therapy sessions (for us)

emergency therapy sessions (for family members with us, because of the wedding)

Tears. Epic amounts of tears. Ours, especially.

I only wish I was kidding.

If you knew my bestie or me personally, you’d know that we are two of the most considerate and loyal people out there. We are doing everything to try to please everyone on both sides, not rock the boat and be/do all things wedding perfectly. But our very best attempts at playing nice in every single sandbox are being thwarted. Almost comically so.

We DO realize that it’s not just about us and that we have to take other people’s feelings into consideration. But please, somebody tell me what we are doing so terribly. Are we just doomed to offend someone, somehow, no matter what? And does this feeling of inadequacy and “NO, YOU’RE DOING IT ALL WRONG!” happen to all brides?

Because at a time when I’m supposed to be dreaming of my gorgeous dress and how romantic the ceremony will be, standing in front of the garden’s waterfall and professing my love to my person… I feel like crap. And I kinda want to bag the whole thing and go elope in Times Square.

Who’s with me out there? Happen to you, too? Tell my bestie and I that we’re not alone.

Till the next throat-punch,

Peach

__________

I’m also sharing this mess with the crew over at Not So (Small) Stories. It’s their Spring Break and hope they don’t mind me linking up with some wedding shenanigans.

15 Responses

The last week I refused to talk to anyone at all. Everyone had an opinion, everyone cared so much more than I did. Mind you I got married before cell phones, pinterest, save the dates etc. So much simplier yet it was a nightmare. I would not trade my wedding in for anything, even taking the fact that we are no longer together. Plan the day for the two of you and you two alone.

First of all, my save the date was a thing that David made on photoshop that we emailed to everyone and that contained our names and the date. No place. No registry. Names and date. Hence, save the date. You didn’t do it wrong. You did it how you wanted to do it. The end.

As for everything else? Ask me about the time my mother-in-law decided she didn’t like the hotel we picked for our out-of-town guests. Or the time one of my (former) best friends (who was in the wedding) decided that my choice of shower date and wedding location just didn’t please her. Or the time the invitation guy misspelled my father-in-law’s Hebrew name and the horror show that caused. Oh! Or the time absolutely everyone who wasn’t my bridesmaids or my sisters and mom had an opinion on my choice of black for the bridesmaid’s dresses. As in, the easiest “pick whatever you want as long as it’s black” choice, that I thought would satisfy everyone.

The long and short of it is, haters gonna hate. Nothing you can do about it. What I can tell you is that as soon as the wedding is over all those bad feelings drop away. It may seem now like you’ll be angry and upset about them forever, but I promise you won’t and neither will the people who matter. Weddings are so weird in the way they bring out the worst in people, but luckily, once they are over it all goes back to normal.

Geez! I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Maybe it’d be helpful to develop a mantra to say to yourself when the little drama cluster-bombs go off.
Suggestions:
“Our marriage, our wedding, our approach.”
Or, “I am free of the need to solve anyone else’s problems.”
Or, “I am not doing anything wrong.” (I feel that one most passionately at this exact moment.)
I know that you are a very kind and thoughtful person who is bringing considerable stores of humor and wisdom to this very big assignment. Be gentle with yourself while you are managing this. Meanwhile, I will sit here saying a mantra of compassion for all the folks whose feelings are getting hurt way too easily.

Seriously. No lie. But luckily those parties will be nowhere near the wedding. YAY for wedding! And party! And CAKE! 😀 Sigh… it’s a really good thing my fiance knows me so well. Because damn this is ridonkulous.

I so want to hear more stories. Mostly the fist fights. But for real, I’m sorry. I think that so much of this comes because when weddings come, family emerges. And family always = crazy. Even if it’s a little cray-cray, the wedding stuff brings it on full blast. I remember going to one cousin’s wedding and every time we passed the hotel bar (even in the morning), half my family was in there. I mean…it’s just life. We didn’t have that much drama, but I really screwed up a couple of things and regret that. No one hassled me, but I regret it a lot. I know that there are hard choices being made and that you are doing your best. I hope you can remember that this period of crazy does happen for most people and just does seem to conjure up all the hidden insanity people hide the rest of the time. Hang in there and thanks for giving me a chuckle even in your hardship. (Because your writing is funny. I’m not laughing at the issues.) <3

You’re just lucky I didn’t say “Till the next nut-punch”. Nah, I’m glad you’re laughing with me in all the insanity. It feels wonderful to be able to share honestly the good AND the bad. I’ve never been the type to sugarcoat, so why start now? You know me though, I’ll be back to my normal snarkalicious self soon! Thank you, friend. Thinking of you.

I feel you. It sounds like your experience is a lot more intense than mine was, but I remember the awful pull of wanting to please everyone’s very different desires for the wedding, including my own. Best of luck to you–in the end all family members and friends that came early (to the weekend of AND the day of) to the wedding made me cry with the help they all gave, and it was beautiful.

You have reached a major milestone of wedding planning, which is: Becoming totally serious about eloping. Check that off your knot.com to-do list. I would have totally eloped had I been able to talk my then-fiance into it.

Gah, I remember the “Oops, I forgot to send you a wedding invitation even though I grew up with you because I haven’t seen you in about five years” phone call. Most awkward moment. Well, that and pooping on the table during childbirth. And this comment, which may be basically like my “nice to meet you and your blog” moment, in which I am mentioning pooping.

I’ve been both a bride and a mother of the bride. As a bride, it was easy and inexpensive. I’ve always been known as the strong-willed child, my husband-to-be and I were footing the bill, so everyone pretty much left us alone (although my now ex-sister-in-law would have happily taken over–we just ignored her). The worst thing that happened was when my MIL grabbed Pedro in an embrace when he escorted her to her seat and moaned dramatically enough for the entire church (it seats 300 and there were close to that many people there) to hear, “Oh, Pedri, oh Pedri!” and bust into loud, dramatic sobs. Fast forward 24 years, and I found myself as the mother of the bride. It took a lot of negotiating (his family wanted it to be a bigger wedding with more money spent, we wanted it simple and affordable), but I think our daughter ended up with a relaxed, wonderful experience that didn’t put us into debt. She and I did a lot of the work–handmade invitations (Never buy one of those Martha Stewart lace punches–they go belly up after 20 invitations), I remade my wedding dress for her and made all of the bridesmaids’ dresses–but it was a fun, bonding experience. I’m so sorry other people insist on making life hellish for you. Have you tried the “If you don’t stop being dramatic over my wedding I’m going to fly to Vegas and have Elvis perform the ceremony!” tactic yet? Or maybe gently reminding the distraught divas who want to dictate that when THEY get married (or marry off a child) THEY can call the shots? Weddings (and planning for them) are supposed to be FUN and bonding and beautiful.

Oh boy. Everyone has an opinion, don’t they? And they seem to forget so easily that it’s not about them. My husband and I paid for most of our wedding, so thankfully we felt fairly free to do what we wanted. We tried to keep the peace as best we could, but when push came to shove it was our day. Thankfully I have a family who tries to be very understanding. That helped. A lot. If my story had been similar to yours, I would have been sorely tempted to elope!