Why Are There So Many Rules In Judaism?

What's wrong with having some fun?

A. This is a very difficult question to respond to with words alone. In fact, words may sound apologetic, even empty.

What I mean to say is that the answer, to have greater meaning, must be lived and experienced. When responding to this question, try not to be defensive or judgmental. This is a good question, it shows that your child is thinking, and your stance should reflect this sentiment.

First of all, take the question seriously, and resist any possible feeling of anger at the way it might be phrased.

Second, it is essential to talk about the importance of fun in Judaism in your answer. Fun is not wrong, as long as it is safe -- safe to the body and safe to the spirit. In fact, it is a commandment to have fun, to laugh, to let go -- to bring happiness into one's life.

Third, validate your child's feelings and empathize that you could see how he or she might feel this way. You may want to share some of your own questions on this matter, perhaps how you, too, may have wondered at one time why there are so many "no's" in our tradition.

Fourth, begin a discussion about the different types of fun. The fun that is healthy and the fun that is not. For example, drugs may be fun, but are not OK. (A longer talk about drugs another time.) The fun that is constructive and the fun that is destructive. The fun that brings friends closer and the fun that pushes some away. (As in, it's not funny to "make fun" of others.) And the fun that makes one feel good about him/herself and the fun that fills one with shame.

There is the fun that makes one feel good about him/herself and the fun that fills one with shame.

Our Torah also distinguishes between fun that enhances one's spirit or is at least not detrimental, and the fun that can do damage to one's spirit, one's spiritual sensitivity to holiness, and one's connection go God. The negative commandments in the Torah are all protective in the sense that God as Creator, as the Being Who knows each of us intimately, and Who understands the properties of all of creation, instructs us and directs us towards activities that are life and spirit enhancing.

This is not dissimilar to a parent who tells his or her child that while cigarettes may be fun to smoke, they're harmful and not acceptable. Or to a parent who responsibly teaches her child about the dangers of appetizing, but poisonous mushrooms. Appearances are deceiving and God knows the true substance.

Fifth, and perhaps most important for the development of your child, is for you to begin to articulate in some way the profound differences between fun and joy.

Fun and joy may look alike and may therefore be confused, but fun can be the counterfeit of joy. This is not about denigrating fun, but rather to help your child become aware of, and express what he/she knows to be true at an instinctual level, that the search for joy is not satisfied by fun.

Many a child or adolescent has said to me, "We don't always have to do something, I just want my family to sit together and get along." Children yearn for the inner feeling of peace and security when Mom and Dad smile at each other, for pleasant family time, for the self-pride that comes from accomplishment, for feeling loved and approved of. And all these are elements of happiness and joy.

Viktor Frankl, author of the famed "Man's Search for Meaning," has written extensively that true joy is a byproduct of living meaningfully, making an impact, acting for something bigger than oneself. It is the feeling that one has when he/she looks in the mirror at the end of the day and likes what he/she sees there.

Viktor Frankl has written extensively that true joy is a byproduct of living meaningfully.

Fun is Saturday night, joy is Friday night -- the Friday night of Shabbat. It is the joy of a family sitting down together to eat and sing. It is a joy of quiet, of inner reflection, and of human-divine intimacy.

Fun is external and fleeting, joy is inward and lasting. And more than this -- fun, especially the drive for fun at all costs, is often in the interest of avoiding inner pain. Joy is often the result of facing pain, and making it through to the other side. Lastly, fun is a day at an amusement park (sometimes), joy is looking into the eyes of a person you love.

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About the Author

Rabbi Dr. Lob is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Chicago, working with adults, adolescents, and families, for many years. He lectures and writes extensively on topics relating to psychology, relationships, parenting, education, and Jewish thought.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 9

(9)
Anonymous,
July 24, 2011 8:15 PM

One good thing.

I noticed that in other of your articles you don't dare take one Name in vain. That's a good start. Other than that keep thinking and asking questions. You may be surprised to find there are answers (just keep away from mysticism ... and other things).
PS> As a Rabbi and as a psychologist you should understand what I mean. If you don't, then forget it. I'm a Jew (as of today) that won't give you more than I gave you above). That's the end of my message, hoping "you get my drift".
Sincerely (no reverse reality),
Another Jew.

(8)
Unlisted,
October 3, 2010 4:15 PM

Missed the point

You left out the main reason that we Jews do/do not do things: because G-d said so, and He knows best! And even though it may not be "fun" in this world, we will get our reward for doing mitzvahs in Olam Habahm, where we will be having ETERNAL "fun." That point also wasn't mentioned. And if delayed gratification is an issue, that's what Judaism is about!

(7)
Someone,
November 2, 2008 5:37 PM

Cool info.

Good job!!!

(6)
nena,
June 26, 2008 1:35 PM

interesting

interesting

(5)
ben dover,
November 1, 2004 12:00 AM

day

veryyyyyyy good

(4)
Anonymous,
November 1, 2001 12:00 AM

Understanding Nishama

The points made are valid, but in the context of teaching each according to their abilities, is lost. The fundamental difference between fun and joy is a spiritual one- and trying to explain Nishama to a juvenile (chronoligical or other) gets me the "deer-in-the-headlights" stare every time. "So Ima, what does any of that have to do with light switches or me?"

(3)
K Kataline,
September 29, 2001 12:00 AM

I'm not sure this addresses the essence of the question...

With all due respect, I believe the main part of this question has to do with the seemingly endless minutia of Orthodoxy which many people young and old have rejected. I would love to hear more of an answer that addresses this. Sometimes the attention to turning lights on and off or tearing or the toilet paper, appears a bit more like idolatry than the reasons for which we do them. IF you focus solely on the "fun" part of the question, you are missing the main one.
Personally, it is a question I always asked as a child, and didn't receive a very satisfactory answer either.

(2)
Ellen Rosen,
June 25, 2001 12:00 AM

Please offer an additional response ...

The comments about fun vs joy are profound and kids should be made aware of the examples discussed. However the original question - why are there so many restrictions in Judaism - was not answered to a child's understanding. Kids learn that we can't eat this or that, can't mix this or that kind of food, can't use electricity on Shabbat, can't cook, shop or play on Shabbat, can't, can't and can't. Maybe I'm missing the point of the question, but I don't see where the discussion of joy vs fun really answers a child's questions about the perceived restrictions of an observant Jewish life.

(1)
Elizabeth Young,
March 30, 2000 12:00 AM

Great definitions of fun vs joy...

Many years ago I remember feeling jealous of a friend who took wonderful, spur-of-the-moment vacations with her husband and child. Money was no object, and they spent freely. When I mentioned to her that I wished my family was able to do these kinds of trips, she responded by saying that "yes, we do many self-indulgent activities..." I was struck by her answer, which caused me to reflect on the differences between fun and joy. I realized, finally, that I possessed ALL the necessary ingredients for joy, even while more expensive FUN was missing at the time. Thinking about the differences allowed me to put "fun" into perspective, and to think about what was really important. Ironically, I also began to come up with activities that were both fun AND joyful.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!