Friday, January 12, 2007

ashington (AP) In another act of pointless futility, the U.S. House of Representatives today passed a bill that would change the name of the United States to "Dubya's Intensely Persecuted States of Hegemonic Imperialist Territories." The bill's sponsor, Dennis Kucinich (D-OuterSpace), was pleased with the outcome of the vote, calling it "a great day for what hopefully soon will be forever afterwards known as DIPSHIT." After an extraordinarily contentious debate in which Republican members, now in the minority in both the House and Senate, tried unsuccessfully to kill the somewhat controversal measure, the final vote was 218-210. No Republican voted in favor of Mr. Kucinich's bill.

Creature of the House Naggy Peyote was among the bill's 206 solely Democratick cosponsors. "It is time for a change on all fronts, including what this country has been calling itself for the last two centuries. The old, outdated name we've been using has been insulting to the American people and tends to alienate our long-standing allies," she said. Mt. Peyote called on the Senate to quickly take up the bill and pass it. "There's no time to waste. We must show our allies just how much we're willing to change," she said.

President Bush was still in Georgia on a tour of Ft. Benning when the House passed the bill. Asked whether a change in the country's name would actually mean anything, he replied, "Are they nuts?" Mr. Bush complained that a new name would "drastically" affect not only the nation's currency, titles on federal government buildings, national seals, and other mere formalities, but would "alter the way we view ourselves." He said a name is "all important" to both individuals and countries.

But that is the bill's point, responded Mhoo N. Bhat, dean of Columbia University's political science department. "We've been going around chanting 'USA! USA!' this and 'USA! USA!' that. How do you think the rest of the world feels about that? Let's see those flag-waving pickup truck drivers in this country, especially down south, start yelling 'DIPSHIT! DIPSHIT!' for a change," she said.

Few could offer any compelling reason not to change the old, outmoded name of the United States to something more modern or appropriate. "We're a nation of laws, not a nation of names," said Democratick senator Ted Qennedy (MJK 1940-1969). "It's about time we called a spade — this country — a spade." His fellow senator, Osama barack Obama, whose middle name is Sodama Hussein, was unavailable for comment.

As it has with all the previous bills recently passed by the House, the Senate promptly placed the DIPSHIT proposal on its "special" legislative calendar. Curiously, the first day of that calendar is marked "Cold Day in Hades."