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Author
Topic: I want to date!!! (Read 1368 times)

I have never been good alone. I have been married to woman for 19 yrs, I have raised my children for the most part alone. My kids moved in with me 10 yrs ago and lived with me and I cared for them. When I got sick my friend moved in with me he was a blessing. But he does not drive, and I take care of him, he does not work. My children still look to me for support. I teach in the inner city of Detroit, and try to give my all. Since I was diagnosed I have been ill aids right away. I have been since told I was an unsatisfactory teacher. Yet I have been promoted. I support my caregiver, and my children. I have never been really promiscuous, I am bi polar and have felt moments of manic and desires. I want to be loved. To feel someone in my arms and in my bed. I lived 19 years with a woman in a dysfunctional relationship and never fooled around. Now I, in my quest for love became hiv positive. I still want to experience love. I am afraid to go out to a bar, to meet others to put my self out there. I think that I am tainted, I often refer to myself as and aids infested person that no one would want. What can I do. I feel that everyday is a fight. A financial fight because I have been hospitalized four years in a row. A social fight, I do not feel worthy of love. A mortality fight, how long do I have. I have never been sexual, I have not enjoyed my sexuality. I want so much to do that. Now I have hiv to deal with. My children still make me feel guilty for who I am. My X wants me to take care of everyone including her. My friend and caregiver has nothing except me. My family expects me to be the best a person can be. On top of it all I am used to living a certain kind of life and am not willing to give it up. I know good things, I have lived a good life, I have experienced the wonders of culture, intelligence, and creative spirituality. How do I continue. How does life supply what is needed and desired. I refuse to give up.My daughter is a joy in my life she feeds my soul. My sons are my soul, they are why I will not give in. My parents caress me and hold me daily. My sister helps me to stand tall. My friend makes me continue living with dignity. Yet I still want to love, someone, I still want to sleep with someone, I still want to feel passion. Will this happen?

Well I just took my Atripla, Tuesday is my bithday and I am going out to the club. My friend, my cregiver does not work well with guilt i used that to convince him to come out with me. I put on my best outfit and am looking forward to some attention.

hey peter, thank you for sharing such intimate feelings. check out groups that share interests you have. it is a great way to meet a partner on more neutral ground than a bar (nothing against bars, enjoy, but an additional option). ive met a lot of great people (and some past partners) in volunteer organizations and hiking, running, skiing groups. dont give up. your needs are valid and you deserve to connect on a physical, sexual and emotional level. when you do it makes the rest of your life much more enjoyable!

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