09/24/2011

GO TO SLEEP!

A few weeks ago, Bill came trudging upstairs with yet another load of laundry. At the top of the steps, he found 6 children in various stages of chaos and undress, 2 dogs yapping away and chewing on shoes, and his wife very close to a complete mental breakdown.

“I think,” he observed calmly, “that you should write a story about this.”

Why in the world, I wondered, would I ever want to keep thinking about the bedtime insanity routine after it is all over?

Because, dear readers, you like hearing about how completely nuts it is over here, and I like keeping you entertained. So here goes.

The story starts at 7:00pm on a typical Wednesday night in my home. The children are each currently concentrating on completely destroying one section of the house. Sam is taking every toy out in the playroom in an effort to find his lost cell phone. Levi is pulling each of my necklaces down off the hooks so that he can tie them all in an intricate knot that will never be untied. Gabby has climbed up onto my dressing room table and is giving herself a haircut with my nail scissors. The 9-year-olds are deep in conversation about planning outfits for tomorrow, which of course means they have emptied their closet.

I am in the kitchen, surveying the damage done by dinner and talking myself out of taking a glass of wine out to the deck and pretending I’m single.

Then I realize that we still have to make lunches, lay out clothes, bathe and pajamafy the kids and then figure out how to get them into bed and make them stay there. I call Bill up from the basement where he has been hiding doing laundry. “Ready?” I ask…

The truth is that an army boot camp could not prepare anyone for the next two hours, but we go in anyway.

We pack healthy, balanced lunches with the knowledge that they will be a) forgotten, b) thrown away or c) traded for candy the next day.

We lay out beautifully matched outfits, knowing full well that the children will wear whatever the heck they want, and probably spill something on whatever they pick before they even get out the door. Why do we even buy nice clothes anyway? We should just make coveralls out of those plastic tablecloths and just wipe ‘em down when they make a mess.

We herd piles of children into bathtubs and showers and try to get soap and water on them while at the same time NOT getting soap and water on the bathroom ceiling. (The floor is a lost cause.) We corral naked children towards bedrooms and wrestle them into pajamas.

We go downstairs for a few minutes to catch our breath, and when we come back up we find the children half-naked again, running around like nuts, inexplicably covered in paint! We re-bathe, concentrating less on the ceiling, because at this point who even cares. We re-pajamafy and this time stay focused until we get every single one into bed. Then we tuck, read, sing, kiss, hug, repeat times six. We sneak out of their rooms…

“Daddy! I thirsty!”

“Mommy! I can’t find Mr. Teddy!”

“Dad! Why can’t I wear the blue shirt tomorrow?”

“Mom! Did you count the hamsters tonight? I only see 3.”

“Daddy! More kiss please.”

“Mo-om! I forgot to do my science homework! It’s a 20 page research paper on static electricity that was assigned last week but I didn’t start it yet!”

Epilogue: Sam found his cell phone one week later...in the washing machine. Gabby has visited the hair salon and now has a lovely set of bangs. I have separated almost all of the necklaces that Levi tied up, and the contents of the girls' closet still reside on the floor of their room.