I am a 45 year old recovering alchoholic, drug addict, and an adult survivor of co-depency,sexual, emotional, and physical abuse. I have been clinically diagnosed with PTSD and Acute Depression. I have recently been to a Therapist when I was very suicidal, and it was then, that I decided to face the truths of my past. I found that I have a problem destinguishing between fantasy and reality, truth and fiction. I have a treasure chest filled with numerous mistakes I have made, along with bitterness and hate. I had in the past worn my heart on my sleeve as christ had done, and turned the other cheek I don't know how many times to show them that unconditional love would see us through anything, well, now, I am standing in the pit once again, with a hardened shell around me, so that nothing or noone can get in. I used to be a God Fearing loving woman, now I am very cold, distant, and hateful. I have these enormous on announced episodes of rage, where I can easily hurt myself or others around me, after I get these enormous headaches, of course all tests have been ran and everything is coming up normal. Normal? What's that? When I try to explain my feelings or thoughts to my family, I hear, you are ranting and raving about nothing, Mother, and you are not thinking logically. Did you take your pill today? Great! instant shut down mode, anger arises, and I explode, because everyone is talking, but no one is really listening, so I chose to tell my family who I tried to bring together long before and made numerous attempts to bring us united to lose my number and address, how dare they call after 4 or five years pass, and act as though nothing was wrong, and I should be receptive to their calls? I have many unsolved issues with each of them, but I am not going to stay connected anymore to things that are obviously still triggers to my behaviors and thought patterns. Which is just the mention of their names or phone calls. I have been treated as a only child from them as I was struggling through years of loneliness and confusion, So, now I choose to be just that, an only child, lost in an adults body. How dare I act like this now? why when things seem to be getting better for me in many ways do they want to contact me out of guilt so that they feel better about themselves should I arise to the occassion? I can not nor will I ever forgive my family for what they have allowed and done to me as a child, if I can not forgive them my prayer to God will be he will have to do the forgiving for me, until they come to me, one by one and make things right because they want to, then I am going to stay clear of each of those toxic wires. Because I am too poor right now, I can not seek medical attention for my meds needed to level out my chemical inbalances of my brain which I am aware of now, that I was born with this disease, which is just another family secret of ours, but I am not hiding it anymore. It's starting to get in the way of a relationship I have been working on for quite sometime now, and it affects my productiveness at work also, this is now becoming a incompacity for my daily life. I am trying to not go into a experimental facility, because I am afraid that I will be used as a test rat, but what I need is just not a band-aid happy pill, what I need is severe Physcotherapy and a place where I will lfeel safe enough to bring those people in to say my peace to once and for all, and for me to truly let them and my past go. I know that this is lengthy but is there anyone out there who gives a darn about us poor people who are suffereing from mental illnesses and other diseases who we can't afford to get the help needed that would cause us to be somewhat normal productive human beings that I know we all are. If you are out there and can suggest any good solid advice please send me an e-mail, Thanks for listening. I used the name leaf because it is symbollic to me. A leaf in the spring coming to life is very beautiful, it starts as a seed planted, placed in the place it needs to grow, and with proper nurturing from mother natures resources, it flourishes and blossoms into something quite spectacular, a piece of the whole picture which is of some importance to the tree as a whole, for those to view at it's awesome colors in autumn to be caressed by a glistened piece of ice or snow to twinkle in the atmoshpere with beauty and importance, to find that it will dry to become a floating piece of what was not knowing wheter it will be allowed to flourish again.

I had no money or job. I went to the state mental health office and paid the minimum for 2 1/2 years--$1 per week. I also went to Alanon (free) and to a group called Parents United (group for sexual abuse victims and their parents)--they required each of us to donate hours of work. Of the three the last was best. For abuse victims, it was probably as good or better than any therapist.

When I swore I would get better part of that was also swearing that I would never be abused in any way again--ever. That meant by family of origin (all out of my life now--and no loss), my children (1 out of 3 hates me, so I leave him alone and encourage the other two to do the same), my friends (barely any left), and people I worked with (I learned withdrawal techniques to avoid them). We joked then and still refer to what I did as shrouding people. And I never looked back.

As I shucked off one after another of them my life got emptier and finally I reached what I called my loneliest period. I could count on one hand the people who were left and have fingers left over. Today I treasure my choice to avoid all negative people and that period of loneliness.

Since then I have made new friends, and while they haven't been tested as the old one were, I know I am surrounded by better people. I have been blessed in ways that were unimagineable to me 20 years ago--and I don't miss my family of origin at all.

I'm also at peace with the child who hates me and can go the rest of my life without seeing him and without sorrow--or I could welcome him back tomorrow without needing for him to make amends. That last part took a lot of time and recognition of my own faults, errors and omissions. It was hard.

You're story touched me very much. I want to say something that will help, but right now all I can say is, do what I did, get the yellow pages, and look under "Ministries" first and call every one, asking the question of the title of this thread and if that doesn't work, go to "Churches" in the yellow pages and call all of them, doing the same thing.

I used to live in the North, so there were not as many ministries or churches up there who had access to Licensed Counselors or Psych.s, but now down south, there are plenty. And ministries that help in almost any way.

I can relate on most every issue you've confessed, and now, even if I had the money, I would still do what I recommended above.

Your advise to focus on helping others, is the only thing I can offer for right this minute and until you can get the help you should have.

You're not dead and dried up inside as far as this Forum is concerned and I saw that you have a heart for others still, just yesterday.

Please know that HE Loves you and that's the direction for healing.

Until you can forgive them, just don't say anything.

The important thing about "rage" is to nip it in the bud, as soon as you feel it coming. When we give into it, "that" is when the chemistry gets rolling that causes us to get verbally out of control. Realize, that "letting lose your anger" will not profit you when you are alone or 'at' people, etc., but only if you're with a good counselor and they let you to 'let 'er rip' in front of them.

Above all else, avoid getting 'physical' if you do get angry ... walk away till you can calm those angry chemicals back down.

Again: Better to nip it in the bud though. As soon as the first angry 'thought' comes to your mind ... distract yourself some how, or come on here and read about these physically sick folks who are making it some how or post something from yourself.

It's not safe to think that the chemicals are always "controlling us" ... we always have that "one second" to 'decide' how to "react". It only takes that second to "choose" how you'll respond.

I heard on the radio not too long ago, that there are two "theories" about these "chemicals". One says the "chemicals make us how we think or are" and the other Research says "the 'thoughts' come first, which trigger the chemicals" ....... I have studied both theories for 28 years and "lived it" and I hold to the 2nd belief system with all of my heart, soul and mind. I'm a living proof, in every way you can name. Genetically, History, and presently, Encephalopathy and Organic brain syndrome, also situational stuff, etc. the classic text book of "no way could this person be stable."

I've had PTSD also and if I had 'accepted it', I could say, I "inherited" something psychotic too. But a "good" Psychiatrist told me, we have a "choice" how to cope with things and that we do not "have to" develop whatever family history we have.

I asked him, why two people with the same background, etc. can be so different. One who "loses it" and one who won't ... and he said, "The line between sanity and insanity is in how a person "chooses" to cope"

It would take a book to prove all of this out, but I am just one of many others who have learned that school of thought of psychiatry that "chooses" a balanced life.

Our "choices" are second by second sometimes. But seconds add up to minutes, that add up to hours, then days, ....................... etc. to a "Life".

Leaf,You can go to Family First which is provided by the Government for five dollars. I need a therapist too. I went to a Social Worker for $100. which I splurged. I would like to find somebody cheap too. Bracey4