Sadness and grief are natural reactions
to changes in familiar habits due to death, divorce, moving, graduation,
retirement, illness, and even vacations. All of these involve loss that can be
painful for two reasons:

• They make us face
“unfinished business” from a situation or relationship: resentments, regrets,
unspoken appreciation, and unmet expectations.

It is not time or keeping busy that heals
the painful wounds of loss, but creating a new definition of yourself and
completing what was not finished in the relationship.

COMPLETE UNFINISHED
BUSINESS1

No matter how good a relationship or a
situation is, it is a work in progress and therefore incomplete. As soon as you
experience a loss, your mind reviews and searches for what was never
communicated. This review continues intermittently until it is completed. The
following show how you can help the process by communicating your regrets,
resentments, unspoken appreciation, and unmet dreams to a mental image of the
person who is gone, in a letter that you may never send, or to the eyes of a
friend in role play.

Make
Amends

• Pinpoint your
mistakes: Take responsibility for your contribution to any problems in the
relationship, but only for your part! There are usually some positive
consequences from even the worst blunders.

• Express your
regret: “I am sorry for . . .”

• Express the
(unrealistic) wish behind regrets: “I wish I had (could have) . . .” Identify a
specific action that could have made the situation different.

• Change your
pattern: In future situations, act out any realistic wishes you identified.
Even if you are unable to do this with the person who is gone, you still make
amends by being different with others.

• Do not ask for
forgiveness: Forgiveness is entirely the choice of the “injured” party. If the
other person is deceased, you can imagine how they would respond to you.

Let
Go of Resentments

• Identify any power
you gave up or lost: Resentment comes from a loss of power.

• Identify the power
or choices you now have: As you grow, you gain options. It may be difficult to
let go of resentment until you know you can fulfill past unmet needs.

• Express your past
resentment and newfound power as a statement: “I resented you for . . . but now
I can (plan to) . . .”

• Do not tell people
you forgive them. Often, this is perceived as an attack. Instead, let them know
when you are doing OK. This releases both you and them. It is your
responsibility to recover from any of your past hurts.

Express
Unspoken Gratitude, Dreams, and Future Plans

• “I want you to
know. . . .”

1 From The Grief Recovery Handbook
by Joan James and Russell Friedman (Harper Perennial, 1998).

AFFIRM
BELIEFS THAT REDEFINE YOURSELF

All relationships and situations develop
their own set patterns and routines. When you become disconnected from these,
it is natural to feel as though you are in free fall. Unless you are an expert
“sky diver,” such experiences will trigger your most painful beliefs. To
discover them, take a mental snapshot of the worst part of the ending of the
relationship. As you look at that memory or mental image of the person who is
gone, ask yourself:

• “What does this
mean about me?”

• “How does this
make me feel about myself?”

• “When did I first
have this disturbing thought about myself?”

Directions: Mark any hurtful thoughts that are
linked to your current or past losses. Then mark any healing beliefs that you
would like to have to help you negotiate this difficult time in your life.

Change Hurtful
Thoughts into . . . Healing Beliefs

I’m
alone or abandoned. I don’t belong.

I’ll never love (be loved) again.

There is only one right person for
me.

I cannot trust again.

I should have been there when he
died.

I’m responsible. I didn’t do enough.

I’m unlovable or defective.

I’m lost. I have no purpose.

I’m empty or incomplete.

I’m vulnerable. I can’t handle this

I can’t take care of myself or go on.

I
can find others to love and care for (me).

If I’ve loved (been loved) once, I
will be again.

I can love more than one person in a
lifetime.

As I grow, I can become more
discerning.

The sun rises and people die without
my help.

I did my best or enough.

I’m lovable or good enough.

I can find new joy and meaning in
life.

I am complete and can go on.

I can learn or find strength from
this.

I can (learn to) take care of myself and go on.

POINTERS FOR TURNING
LOSSES INTO GAINS

Identifying new
ideas, affirming them regularly, and using some of the following pointers will
give you the compass you need to land on your feet on solid ground:

• Do not bury your
feelings in food, alcohol, anger, TV, or work.

• Do not be strong
for others. It may help them to see your pain.

• Be with your
sadness when it comes. Accept it, but don’t invite it.

• Use emotional
moments to mentally communicate unspoken words to your loved one or affirm
beliefs that heal. This may intensify feelings and help release them.

• Stay with the pain
of a negative memory but purposely follow it with a good one.