a flippant wife

I’ve spent the better part of two hours trying to figure out what is causing a roar from the rear end of my car. It may be the brakes and on my next oil change at the dealership I will have them check it. My point being, I’m at a loss for the cause and have decided to move on to another topic. One that I know as much about as overhauling an engine.

Before I start, I love this article, if you haven’t read Scary Mommy’s Version on how to be a good wife do read it.

Not that I haven’t been a wife. Albeit what I call an illegal one since we were never legally married. That doesn’t change anything. We still lived together for seven years as husband and wife.

Part of the reason I got to this particular topic was my male friend. When I first came to live with him he said he would teach me how to be a wife because I was never legally married I didn’t know how to be one. Well, he fell down on his duty, he never stepped up to the plate to be the teacher he said he could be. Later when I asked him about it he said I didn’t want to be a wife.

Now this brings me to the question, how does one teach another to be a wife? According to him he was going to teach me to cook, clean, take care of the house, etc. Since I was “unteachable” I should look it up on google and watch youtube videos. According to him, this is all I need. So I went about researching this topic and all I came up with was being a GOOD wife. I didn’t ask how to be a good wife just a wife. Since I have no desire to marry why would I want to be a good one?

According to Roomy the need to cook and clean is all I need. So is this true? Is this the main request from men? That their wives be able to cook, clean and be their maid? Doesn’t this sound like the 1920’s or 1930’s?. That’s something else I’m not interested in.

I digress, back to the point at hand, how to be a wife. Since I have no willing participant to practice my search engine skills on I’ll have to drag my Ken doll and Teddy bear out of the trash. It’s a good thing they won’t have to eat my cooking. Nor will they know if my car is messy(that’s my home, where I’ve been living for awhile). Oh wait, where am I supposed to cook any meals? Maybe I could learn to cook in my car without catching it on fire or blowing it up. Hmmm, I’m not sure about this one. Let’s move on to cleaning. I can’t use a mop, broom, cleaning supplies and have no kitchen or bathroom so don’t have to worry about cleaning those things. Okay, what does that leave? Since Ken Doll and Teddy Bear didn’t give any feedback on the fish I tried to fry in the car(it’s a sedan, btw) and even though I came close to blowing my car up and singed Ken’s hair and burned Teddy’s fur they still didn’t say anything. So test number one: Passed. Next, I thought using bleach and ammonia on the carpet of the car and mopping it like a floor would leave it nice, clean and sanitized. Instead I woke up with sore throat and barely able to breathe and had to make a visit to the local ER. The emergency room personnel thought it was my sick way of trying to get high and tried to get me to enter a drug rehab program run by an actor/comedian for the dumb and dumber. It’s a wonder I didn’t die from pneumonia since I had to leave all four car windows down for over a week in the freezing cold to get the smell out and keep from dying from my serious cleaning concoction. Who knew mixing bleach and ammonia was bad for you? Neither Ken Doll or Teddy Bear said anything. I guess it didn’t bother them. Test number two: Passed with flying colors.

So what else is there? I’ve learned to cook and clean and get no complaints.

That brings me to article one I found online. Blonde, skinny and hot, fits Ken Doll to a tee. The wife list is actually for the gals but since it’s under the good wife search it qualifies to be here. I can watch football on free wifi while chugging back beers. I’m not blonde but Ken doesn’t mind. It’s actually a pretty good article for men. I know a few that could really use reading the The Good Wife List. In all honesty most men wouldn’t know a good woman if she walked up and smacked them in the face.

Here’s another excellent search from google: The Good Wife Guide 2014. This came on the heels of the Clooney nuptials so excellent reading on how to be a good wife. Since it appears they are still married(I don’t follow celebrities) she must have read the good wife guide.

I just mastered Engagement Chicken car cooking style with a little shampoo accidentally thrown in and Ken nor Teddy minded. I call this a good sign if I can stand the messy, rotted odor that’s taken over my car. A tip: A whole bottle of febreze and a whole roll of paper towels don’t get rid of the smell and overbearing waft that comes from spoiled meat. Of course the fact I passed out from drinking a whole bottle of Jack Daniels didn’t help the situation.

I give the author credit where it is deserved. There are no glaring, “Make HER Marry You” articles for men. To this I say, “Right on girl.” Someone needed to say it.

And last but not least, my personal favorite: 8 Signs You May Not Make A Good Wife. Selfish? Ken and Teddy don’t mind. Although I wouldn’t consider myself so. I apologized for the scorched hair and mind boggling aromas that have taken over my car. Jealous? Absolutely not. I don’t mind if other people play with my Ken Doll as long as they give him back when they’re done. And no one wants to play with Teddy Bear so I have nothing to worry about. Materialistic? They got me on this one. But there’s one caveat: I want to win the lottery all on my own, I don’t want him winning it for me. Low libido? They didn’t say anything about one being too high. I surely haven’t found myself or have I?

I’ve read several articles on being a good wife and in honesty don’t see how any of it relates to me. Maybe it’s because I’ve spent too much time talking to my Ken Doll or Teddy Bear about these things with no feedback but heck I don’t need opinions. My own is all that counts.

I wonder if my friend will be proud of my newly found skills.

He would often make flippant, facetious remarks and said that was just the way he is, so for those of you who may think I’m serious, well, I’m serious but only partly. I guess he taught me how to be a good wife after all.

To wrap up, I don’t imagine I’ll be needing to worry about what’s causing the rear end noises, not after all the cooking and cleaning experiments I did in it. All I’m going to have to worry about is finding a junk yard.