Another orbit of Helios since our last communication and we are sure you are desperate to hear of developments chez nous?

Persephone has completed a year of further training in what we thought was 'Orbital Mechanics', but apparently this grunt actually translates as 'I want to be a mechanic'. The birthday purchase of a telescope has gone a little to waste: Swarfega seems more likely next time around. The leakage of sump oil from her bedroom floor to the dining room is a real talking point at dinner parties, and the occasional gloopy dollop in the rustic fois gras only enhances the flavour. We are literally bursting with pride!

Wombat isn't a young gentleman after all. It was so difficult to tell through the various piercings, tattoos and incomprehensible mumblings. Horatio's mother had a rather strange reaction, but her surgery was successful and the restraining order expires on her 75th birthday. so good news all round!

Araminta and Taramasalata, our twins, continue to show lively creativity in all they do. A local constable commended the pair of them in regard of their expressive mural art forms along the outer walls of the police station. 'They tell us you are Banksie' the officer declared to Horatio; how proud Jocasta was as she roared with laughter from her hiding place in the study. We believe his other comment was that he didn't appreciate the acronym ACAB fully, but at that point we were aglow. The two of them fund their exploits from their own pockets too, with a weekend job at the security service. Horatio drops them at MFI each Saturday morning! We are literally bursting with pride!

Spartacus, like his older sister, really is a budding thespian. After the triumph of last years Nativity, the year one play became a one man show as he lovingly and realistically created the conditions of Irish prisoners in the early eighties. The audience, cast and most of the staff were literally moved to tears by his performance.

Spartacus has a real way with words. We have been called to the Headteacher's office so often to receive tremendous feedback about our wonderful children. This time he was astoundingly aware of traditional parasitic plants at the Christmas season, as he announced 'My daddy kisses my mummy under the camel-toe every Christmas day.' We are literally bursting with pride!

The Puggles, are sadly no longer with us. No, they aren't dead! Mrs Smythe, the receptionist at the animal clinic, and wife of the chief vet, took them off our hands after hearing 'We are hear to show your husband our Prince Albert and Vajazzle' every Saturday for three months from the twins. She seemed a little cross, but should show a little more respect for young people and their care of animals inadvertently covered in spray paints.

We have become quite close to the lovely couple from up the road from us. Names escape us for the moment, but they are actually quite nice for teachers. They escorted us to the Tuscan villa where he was able to converse jovially with the locals. Some form of pidgin English I believe; lots of words ending in vowels. The peasant farmers truly appreciate our work on the outbuildings. Their hand gestures and jocularity at the open plan roof space and rustic plumbing needed no translation. Mr and Mrs Teacher assured us that the locals have a special place for us. In fact a man with dark glasses and a large shiny limousine showed us where it was, near a new flyover, and even gave it a name 'Non Ritorno' which apparently has to be said with a certain menace in the tone in the local dialect. Oh how we laughed!

Our new friends really are good sports. They rewarded our comments about how with a few more years experience they would be able to teach the older ones soon with a wonderful retail tip. Apparently that rather grubby looking store near the council estate is an excellent source of wasabi rocket, scallops, cous-cous and a delightful Sancerre. Apparently the acronym means Artisan Local Development Initiative: just up our street, so off we pootled in the 4x4. It must be terribly popular because most of those lines were out of stock, but a few wonderful substitutes were offered. Ace Lightning is a popular apple based brew, and 'fingres de poisson' are terribly tasty. The artisans really made us feel welcome by recycling our car tyres, providing all round ventilation for the vehicle and leaving a little present on the seat to match the one that Spartacus provided earlier.