Ahh, the Vancouver Canucks eastern road trip. You are once again upon us with your 4 pm starts and your must-see main event showdowns with the Carolina Hurricanes.

There are a few positives about these trips, such as walking into Toronto’s yard and dropping their team like a wet brick, or… getting to see how we match up with the Columbus Blue Jackets.

(Kesler spends most of his shifts vs. Columbus laying on the ice, laughing)

With two games down already, we are not out of the woods yet. The next three Canucks game will have puck drop at 4 pm pacific time. I completely understand the reasoning behind it, but on a more personal (pronounced “selfish”) note, I hate it. I don’t care if they are playing an exhibition game in Belarus or a galactic playoff game on Mercury, I want my Canucks games at 7 pm.

Regardless of your qualms with these road trips, for local fans one thing commonly stands in the way of enjoying Canucks hockey when it ventures past Winnipeg:

Work.

(BOOOOOOOO!)

But I’m here to help you.

Below I’ve listed a few ideas and suggestions for how to duck out of work, whatever it may be, and enjoy yourself some Canucks hockey (or as it’s known around my house: “The more important things in life”).

Coming down with an illness all of a sudden on game day doesn’t really work anymore. Too many people used it and ruined it for the rest of us. Same goes with submitting a note from your doctor stating that you will be “out 2-3 hours with a lower body injury”.

So taking cues from the team, I’ve created a few specific plans that might help get you out of work to watch those pesky 4 pm games (assuming of course you don’t have a PVR).

Disclaimer: j.Bowman in no way advocates or supports being incredibly irresponsible and leaving work before the agreed upon time between an employer (A) and employee (B). I suggest trying to obtain proper legal permission to watch Canucks games during operational business hours. DO NOT under any circumstances attempt these plans ;)

The winking emoticon doesn’t convey exactly the message I’d like it to, so I’ve included this, which I hope gets the message across.

Plan A: The Roberto Luongo

What you’ll need: Ability to swallow pride, really good “sad face”.

If you are a consistently outstanding employee, on game day you need to do something that you might not like:

If you are doing a good enough job at that, hopefully your boss will ask you what’s wrong. Use any of the following answers:

“I’m just not feeling like myself today.”

“I’ll be fine. Just let me stay in and work it out.” (Note: follow this one up by making your biggest mistake of the day).

“My (wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend) hates it here and moved to Florida, I’m trying to come to terms with it.”

Hopefully after you’ve shown that you are incredibly rattled, your boss will allow you to take the rest of the day off, get yourself sorted and come back the next day in top form.

Remember, getting chased from work is only a bad thing if you don’t come back and just kill it the next day. If you follow the script, you probably won’t lose your job…

… unless that intern does outstanding work in your place.

(Best keep your eye on that punk)

Plan B: The Keith Ballard

What you’ll need: Less intelligent co-worker, sociopathic tendencies.

Every place of work has that one gullible person who can easily be set up to take the fall for something. On game day, it is your job to make sure that person gets thrown under the bus so badly, you can duck out in the ensuing chaos and enjoy yourself some Canucks hockey.

It doesn’t matter if your “Keith Ballard” is actually terrible at their job or not, the main thing is the perception that they are bad. Maybe point out in conversations with your boss how that person has been struggling as of late. Whenever you make a mistake, always be sure to draw attention to them.

What you want to do is place the idea in your boss’s mind that mistakes are synonymous with (coworker’s name).

(Note: it is a huge help if they are just standing around when something goes wrong. Make sure they are the first person your boss notices after a mishap).

On game day, sabotage something. Anything really, just make sure that it doesn’t blowback on you. This isn’t “The Roberto Luongo” plan, so while your “Keith Ballard” is getting chewed out for making yet another mistake, slip out and enjoy the game.

If you’re thinking “Bowman, my place of work doesn’t have anyone like that”… it’s you.

Be wary of fellow co-workers trying to set you up so they can escape to watch the Canucks game.

(One of these guys gets blamed for everything. Can you guess which one?)

Plan C: The Sedin Twins

What you’ll need: Someone that looks like you or (worst case scenario) a mannequin.

The next best thing to being at work is making it appear that you are at work. If you don’t mind spending a little money, the solution to the problem is simple:

Hire someone to pretend to be you.

If you work in a big office, it shouldn’t be that difficult. Just put them in a wig, the same clothes, teach them your walk and you’re golden.

If that isn’t a possibility for you, I suggest dressing up a mannequin in your clothes and rigging a series of pulleys (a la “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”) to make it seem like you are working.

If you do a good enough job, your boss will be impressed that you are still hard at work when he leaves AND when he arrives the next morning (assuming of course you didn’t go back to work after the game and take it down).

(Also, limit the amount of time you spend with Red Wings fans)

Although on the other hand, if you dress up a mannequin and make it seem like it’s you at work, and people buy it, it could be a bad thing.

Spill food or drink all over yourself during lunch. Whether you are in great shape (like Kesler) or abysmal shape (like me) nobody will want to see you with your shirt off. You will have little choice but to go home and change.

(Note: if you wear a uniform shirt at work, You are going to need to hide any spares that are in your size).

Much like Edler’s broken sticks, it can really derail productive work if you break your mouse or your stapler or your samurai sword (that last one of course is assuming you have the coolest job ever).

For this to work, you need to hide all of your spare supplies somewhere. I’d suggest in “sub basement B”. Every place of work has a sub basement B (if yours does not, that just means you’ve never been down there).

Break something on purpose, then go on a search to find a replacement, upon finding nothing (remember, you hid them) offer to go down to “Staples”, “Office Depot” or the “Samurai Sword Emporium” and pick up some more.

The trip should take you several hours. Enjoy the game.

(Edler clutching the only piece of his stick that didn't explode during his shot)

Plan F: The Andrew Alberts

What You’ll Need: An exit.

Just walk out.

Work, like the defensive zone, is somewhere you are supposed to be. For this plan, completely shirk your responsibilities and go where you want to.

It’s what Alberts would do.

(Sorry Andrew Alberts. I had to.)

In closing:

That last one, although slightly less complicated, has the highest probability of you actually getting fired. Don’t bother wasting it on any old game. You are best served saving that for the Stanley Cup Finals because whoever we end up playing, all games are going to be at some annoying hour for us Western time zone hockey fans.

Remaining games at 4:oo pm:

Today vs. Columbus

Thursday vs. Caroline (grudge match!)

Saturday vs. Toronto (Warning: this game is on CBC. Potentially harmful/brutal commentary and analysis).

And then the Canucks return home on Tuesday Dec. 19th, the games are broadcast at 7 pm and all that is right and just in the universe will be in balance.

But remember, this article is not to be taken seriously. DO NOT use any of these plans to get out of work.

You can follow j.Bowman on twitter in two easy steps: Go here, click follow. Optional third step: regret.

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