Guru

Proper preparation is vital if you want to perform at your peak in a
stressful business environment and that includes eating the right foods.
Contract caterer the Eaton Group has created a set of recipes that include
ingredients that specifically aid the skills needed to succeed in business.

For instance, anyone engaged in serious decision-making should opt for the
griddled lamb’s liver – the iron in the liver helps your blood transport more
oxygen to the brain, keeping you sharper and awake for longer. Anyone having to
go through stressful experiences, such as announcing redundancies, should try
the Greek pitta wrap – the calming effect of the flour and the morphine-like
substances in the lettuce will help you keep calm in the most confrontational
situations.

Cabbage on the other hand is ideal for anyone making presentations as it
keeps them confident and alert. Funnily enough Guru was likened to a cabbage by
a member of the audience at his most recent seminar.

Blind leading the blind as Mrs Guru gets behind the wheel

Women are better at driving blind than men according to training specialist
Longden, which runs courses designed to improve communication.

In the programme a two-person team comprising of a driver and a navigator
has to control a Land Rover which has its windscreen and windows completely
blacked out. The navigator can see a TV monitor which is attached to a small
camera providing a view of the outside world. Instructions on how to navigate a
course are then passed on to the driver.

Managing director Carole Longden said women tend to do better at the
exercise because they are better communicators and follow instructions more
effectively.

The training reminds Guru of any car trip with Mrs Guru. She drives while
looking in any direction but ahead, while he shouts terrified instructions to
her.

Painful facts of office life exposed by crude Brent

Guru had forgotten how excruciatingly painful it is to watch an episode of
The Office, which has now returned to our TV screens.

While Guru is a fan, he never laughs – he is too busy chewing his nails
during the long silences that follow another David Brent faux pas.

The problem with programme is that it is all too easy to see ourselves and
colleagues in it. So Guru feels it is his duty to start running Brent or
Brent-like quotes in Personnel Today to show disciples the dangers of using
them in the workplace.

If you hear any classic Brentisms at work or during the show send them to guru@personneltoday.comand he will give them pride of place in the
management-speak hall of shame.

Absent minded way to win prize

Guru accepts that he is one of his company’s greatest assets, but this
Harrogate thing is getting out of hand. Now he is expected to smile and hand
out some sort of commemorative limited-edition guru mouse mat – this
humiliation being in addition to the effort of standing up all day on B60.

Smile and stand? Guru’s not up to it. As he said to Mrs Guru the other day
when she asked if he wanted to go upstairs and make love, "I can’t do
both". Superior excuses for being absent from the stand to guru@personneltoday.com please. The
best win, er, a guru mouse mat.