Tag: revision

I think that I should finally explain what this blog is after owning it for over a year.

This blog is a space where I, Regina, can freely rant and rave about anything that is troubling me. Equally, it is a place where I can choose to discuss with others about the trials and tribulations of being a 19 year old teenager, living in England. And yes, I have a history of abuse of every kind, so at times, I may write about that, if only to make sense of it.

Right now in my life, I am actually taking a gap year. And during this gap year, instead of the normal and very understandable need to travel the world, I have decided to stay at home and really work on myself. How have I done that? Well, for starters, I have decided to start therapy and actually work through things that are troubling me. Which has been somewhat successful. However, as of last week, I have actually completed my allotted amount of 12 sessions that the NHS provided free of charge with my very lovely therapist who (for privacy sake) I shall name FeeFee.

But, all is good, I am actually being referred for long-term therapy at my local hospital. And if everything goes to plan, the wait for that should only last less than 3 months and they accept me into their care. Yay! In the meantime, I am on a round of anti-depressants, the infamous Sertraline or better known in the world of crazy as Zoloft. Which I am loving right now, so all is good on that.

Finally, I should explain that because of my crippling depression of last year and my ongoing anxiety, I was unable to reach my full potential last year. Hence, I only achieve relatively low grades (CCC) in my A-levels last year when in reality to get into university, I needed to achieve ABB. So, I have entered myself to actually retake my A-level exams at the end of the year. But again, because of my depression and anxiety for last few months, I have been doing nothing to prepare for that.

But now, I am determined to actually beat this anxiety and depression and actually achieve what I set out to achieve. So, I am beginning to study again (hurrah) and will continue to up until the beginning of my exams in May and June (which is frightingly close).

And that is it.

That is my life at the moment in a few paragraphs.

So, I hope you enjoy my blog and discover things about me (and hopefully about yourself too) that you would like to discuss. If so, feel free to message me. If not, feel free to message me regardless.

Right now, I feel like I am becoming an open book, so do talk to me, I don’t mind talking. At all. Or at least for the moment.

It is funny because this week I have just not wanted to exist and fall off the face of the earth. But just for a little while.

This week has been something else. Mainly difficult. But fun also.

I haven’t been able to have a full nights sleep in about a week because I’ve been so incredibly anxious. But because of depression, I’ve been so incredibly tired and the need to sleep has been overwhelming. Which has me tearing right up because I’m in this constant limbo where I am stuck in an exhausted haze of churned up emotions and inedible thoughts. I feel like smashing my head against a wall, if only to finally wake up or fall asleep.
It has reached quite disastrous heights.

Oh, and because this exhaustion has overtaken my life, I’ve stopped revising, and because I’ve stopped revising, I’m about a week and a half behind schedule in my revision timetable. Because of this, I’m completely stressed out, but I’m not sure what I want to do because I need to revise but I am finding it so incredibly difficult.

The only thing that is getting me out of bed and moving is my niece. Which is the good bit.

I’ve spent quite a lot of time with her, despite my exhaustion. In fact, she is the only reason I have been able to sleep because I cradle her in my arms and we fall asleep together. Twice a day. Which is great. And then, her and I play catch, read a book (even though she’s not old enough to understand it yet), run around, eat food, crawl until she’s comfortable to walk again, recite our ABCs and 123s and just chill in general. If you’re wondering, she’s only 11 months. A year she’ll be at the end of December.

The really fun bit would have to be work. Work has always cracked me up a bit. Because the people there are hilarious. You slowly begin to learn the jokes that seem to circulate around friendship groups and what not. Which I have to say, are super funny and the more people know you, the less people shout. Which I am a fan of.

Hm…

I guess that is it for now. Trust me, there is far more in my head but maybe I can finally get some sleep after my horrendous nightmare, so I shall see (and talk) later!

So, recently I’ve been trying to figure out why I’ve stopped writing as much as I did a few months ago and I’ve narrowed it down to three things.

I have nothing interesting to write about. My life is a complete bore right now. My schedule runs like this: Wake up, go to school, revise, dinner, bed, repeat. Everyday without fail. It’s so boring. Trust me. BORING. I need to vary my life up actually, but hey, I’m just about to write up a study timetable where I schedule in some fun! 🙂

Not writing in my diary. Some people write plans before they draft a blog post, I, on the other hand, write in my diary. I don’t know why but it certainly helps me to reflect on everything a little bit more so I can write on here. But I haven’t been writing in my diary as much, meaning, that I haven’t had time to digest the little things that happen to me throughout the day. Which kinda means that I’ve been keeping a lot inside, which I would highly discourage. Especially for someone who is incredibly neurotic like myself. Get it out! Any way you can. In a diary, in a blog post… hell, I’ve recently booked a meeting with my counsellor to get a few things off my chest that I can’t write down. Do what works for you is my point. Trust me, you’ll probably feel ten times better.

I haven’t posted anything on my blog in a while because my style of writing has actually gone way out of whack. I’m trying to fix it up by reading more, but I always feel guilty for reading because I need to revise and my life apparently now revolves around my need to revise. I hate it, but that’s the way it is.

I was actually thinking a little while ago that I should really start balancing my life far more better than I am doing now. The problem is, is that I still haven’t quite found my footing in balancing revision and free time. Because what I am doing now with revision, I might as well not be revising because I am failing everything. However, like my friend Luke has already done, I might just force myself to accept the failure that is waiting for me by the end of this week. In fact, my older brother was talking to me earlier, and told me that unless I fully accept that I have failed, that I have hit rock bottom, there is no way I will ever reach the top. He told me, that the first step is admitting that I failed, the second is accepting that the way I am doing things is causing me to fail and repeating the same method will only lead to even more failure. Repeating an old trick the same way and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. I need to get out of monotonous cycle of getting up, going to school, going home and sleep. I really need to learn how to shake things up, otherwise I am going to fail every single exam. And I don’t want that, so I need to learn to accept that I’m failing, well and truly accept it instead of ignoring it for what it is.

Because if I’m going to fail, what do I have to lose by changing up my method of learning? Nothing, absolutely nothing. If I still channel all my hope into a failed method, I’m just going to drive myself straight into insanity, and that isn’t good.

Like my history teacher quoted:

“Learn to accept the things you can’t change, and change the things you can.”