Not A Video, But Advice For #2019

Boston College and its go-to viral content warlock Sean Casey released “Welcome #BC2019” last week—a glowingly upbeat, made-for-Facebook welcome message that stealthily included just one shot of snow in three-and-a-half minutes of video. Don’t worry, I gotcha BC, we’ll just sweep this minor ice age right under St. Mary’s sod (wink). I blindly trust everything I see on the Internet, so I’m inclined to believe the Class of 2019 has its letters, and drinking Dr. Pepper three times a day will let me live to 104 years old.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t asked to participate in the video. But I’d still like to help the admitted youngins learn how to be eagles.

Decide whether you’re an O’Neill Library or a Bapst Library eagle early on, and then vehemently disdain the opposition for the rest of your four years. Scoff right in front of their dumb faces. Turn up your beak and spit into the wind. How could they study there? Hah! Fools. Mark your territory and stick to it—that’s what eagles do.

Stay humble. Eagles have very few predators, and while smaller animals like terriers and huskies will try and get under your skin at every hockey game, it’s best to simply take the updraft. Please, just don’t do the “Jesus loves us” chant.

Don’t make eye contact with BC football head coach Steve Addazio. He has a well-documented history of poaching … fifth-year offensive linemen and quarterbacks. But you never know.

A large gathering of eagles is called a convocation. Go figure. Have fun at convocation, bring snacks.

Don’t be awful. There will be times when you’ll have the opportunity to be a terrible eagle—you’ll be tempted to steal a clock from Lower, smash a Mod window, abandon your friends, peck a forest ranger’s eyes out, fight a ref in intramurals, commit an arrestable offense, order New Hong Kong (likely an arrestable offense in the FDA’s book). Instead, think: WWJYD? (What would Jerry York Do?) Win a national championship and quietly return to your home in Watertown.

Vary your diet. Once you discover El Pelon, you’re going to be sucking down burritos and quesadillas like the world is running out of cheese. Mix it up with some fish (dead or alive, either should work), turtles, ducks, snakes, muskrats, frogs, baby deer, rabbits, mice, and snails.

Take care of yourself, but don’t feel the pressure to conform. Most eagles have a nice dark brown plumage and a white head, but as long as you feel you’re looking fine, nothing else matters.

Don’t stress about your room. You may not get the setup you truly wanted, but as long as you have a well-kept nest with great visibility and proximity to prey, everything else should fall into place. I know a lot of eagles that thrived on Newton.

Let love come to you, but once you find that special someone, embark on a magnificent courtship composed of high-flying maneuvers and heart-pounding freefalls. Reach out your talons and let romance in. Ah, young love. Remember, though, no cohabitation! Unless you reinforce your nest to prevent it from collapsing first.

When you’re flying home after a night of partying, make sure you don’t hit any wires and die of electrocution. According to a site that might have been designed by a third grader, most eagles have a mortality rate of 50 percent in their first year. Don’t be a statistic. Hoo hah!