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What’s Holding Obama Back?

Many people are asking why it is that Barack Obama has not been able to deliver the coup de grace that will finally clinch the Democratic presidential nomination for himself. Here are some factors, according to knowledgable pundits:

–*Obama has been seen as playing the race card by actually being black.

–*Blue collar voters don’t really connect with a man who comes from a broken home and was forced to move all over the place when he was young, and they much prefer Hillary, because even though she is a Yale-educated lawyer who sat on the board of Wal-Mart, she’s willing to patronizingly compliment them for their crazy gun-carrying, Bible thumping ways.

–*Obama’s name has been linked by the press to controversial minister Jeremiah Wright, former Weather Underground member William Ayres, to Nation of Islam head Louis Farrakhan, to Fidel Castro, to Charles Manson, to Humpty-Dumpty, to Richard III, to Rosa Luxemburg, to Darth Vader, to Jeffrey Dahmer and ….hey! Wait a minute! Who in the hell is doing all this “linking” anyway? Could it be …

–*John McCain, who a few members of the press might justly link to THE KEATING FIVE … if, I don’t know, they were being fair.

–*Obama is seen as inexperienced, and by that we mean, still dumb enough to hold onto any of the idealism that the Clintons must certainly have totally pissed out of themsevles by now.

–*Obama is seen as being not tough enough when it comes to fighting the Republicans, and by that we mean he hasn’t developed the audacity for making up totally empty slogans of bankrupt sophistry like “Why do liberals hate America,” “9/11 Changed Everything,” and “We must stop Islamofascism”–phrases that were invented only for children and idiots. Like Sean Hannity, who qualifies as both.

–*Obama can’t bowl. Which should immediately disqualify him from the contest.

–*It was not good enough that Obama tried to stay above the mudslinging in the Pennsylvania primary debate, when Hillary forced him into the “I’m rubber and you’re glue” type arguments anyway.

–*Many people have a lingering fondness for the peace and prosperity of the Clinton years, forgetting that the conservatives have ruined that happiness forever by giving us a war that will last a hundred years and that will certainly put a dusky pall on the regime of Clinton II, no matter how capable she may be.

–*… because we’re not leaving Iraq folks, no matter who is elected. Get used to that now.

–*People have a lingering desire to see a very capable woman elected president at this point in history, which could signal a very different and hopeful future ahead. Unfortunately that won’t happen when the woman in question is acting a lot like her childhood hero Richard Nixon in drag.