After 200 years, Santa kicks a bad habit: Publisher, activist edit Twas The Night Before Christmas, take away St. Nick’s pipe

Since a new version of Twas the Night Before Christmas has excised the reference to Santa’s pipe and the smoke around his head, the National Post’s Ron Wadden thought it necessary to correct some of the poem’s other politically questionable vocabulary. Suggested changes are in square brackets:

Twas the night before Christmas [the 25th of December during the holiday season], when all through the house [abode, since many in the 99% are too poor to live in a house]

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse [say, Mickey, who is not frightening to children].

A new, bowdlerized edition of Twas The Night Before Christmas that pulls the pipe from Santa’s mouth and drops all references to his smoking habit has sparked a backlash in Canada and reopened debate over whether it’s acceptable to apply modern mores to classics written in a different time.

Late last year, Canadian independent publisher and smoking cessation advocate Pamela McColl decided to “update” the nearly 200-year-old poem by deleting mention of the stump of his pipe and the wreath of smoke around his head — a move she hopes will deter children from picking up a pack.

The cover of the book, published this month by Grafton and Scratch and, according to Ms. McColl, picked up this week by Indigo booksellers, proclaims to have been “edited by Santa Claus for the benefit of children of the 21st century.”

Parents, Ms. McColl said, have been tearing the smoking-related pages out of their books or have had to console teary-eyed children who see Santa’s pipe and think he’s going to die as a result of his habit.

“Wouldn’t it be sad if we saw a poem that’s so incredibly influential in our celebration of Christmas cast aside because we didn’t make a simple edit and took out a simple verse that’s offensive to modern children?” she said.

Other classics have been updated to fit the modern times — the man in the yellow hat from Curious George doesn’t smoke anymore, she said.

“I had someone say to me ‘You can’t do that, he’s an historical figure,’ and I said ‘Santa is not a historical figure to a five-year-old. He’s literally a real guy smoking in their living room.’”

But her nicotine-free Saint Nick has been met with criticism, the publisher plied with accusations of over-the-top political correctness and blatant mucking about with Clement C. Moore’s intended depictions of Santa. Others worry that such a brash tweaking of the poem will mean children miss out on historical learning opportunities and water down a treasured and iconic piece of literature.

So much of censorship is motivated on the grounds that we’re protecting children from concepts someone finds distasteful

“I think it’s dreadful,” said Ann Curry, a professor at the University of Alberta who has researched censorship in children’s books.

Her colleague, Gail de Vos, an adjunct instructor in Canadian children’s literature and storytelling at UofA, received a copy to review.

“Although it’s now in the public domain, there’s something disturbing about modifying a classic,” Ms. de Vos said. “What about those children who never get to hear the real thing? What if they become an adult and find out Santa used to be a smoker?”

The American Library Association and other literary advocacy organizations are wholly opposed to “expurgation” or taking references out of books that may now be deemed vulgar or offensive, said Deborah Caldwell-Stone, deputy director of the American Library Association’s Office for Intellectual Freedom.

[Santa] doesn’t go around killing kids. He doesn’t leave them bombs

“So much of censorship is motivated on the grounds that we’re protecting children from concepts someone finds distasteful. But there’s many assumptions behind that — that one point is the correct viewpoint, that all parents buy into the same ideas. The bottom line is we’re denying access to the author’s original voice, denying the opportunity for the author’s voice to be heard.”

Last year, the literary world was up in arms after an Alabama publishing house announced it would issue an updated version of the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, replacing the word “nigger” with “slave,” and expunging the word “Injun.”

“The end result was putting out an edition that denied access to [Mark] Twain’s original work,” said Ms. Caldwell-Stone. Grafton and Scratch’s rewriting of Twas The Night Before Christmas “may not be seen in the same light as rewriting Huckleberry Finn to take out the n word, but for all intents and purposes it’s the same act.”

Santa was intended as a fantasy, not a role model — a perfect human being after whom children should model their behaviour, said Alvin Schrader, professor emeritus at the University of Alberta and convenor of the Canadian Library Association’s Intellectual Freedom Advisory Committee. Plus, the tale of the jolly old elf wasn’t written with solely children in mind.

“[Santa] doesn’t go around killing kids. He doesn’t leave them bombs. I just think starting to rewrite and revise all of our history leads to something even more meaningless than even Disney,” he said.

Twas the night before Christmas [the 25th of December during the holiday season], when all through the house [abode, since many in the 99% are too poor to live in a house]
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse [say, Mickey, who is not frightening to children].
The stockings [leg coverings, ‘stockings’ may be an inappropriate visual image to some readers] were hung by the chimney [a safe distance from the chimney, check your local fire code] with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas [Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, Father Christms, Ded Moroz, Hoteiosho, Baba Chaghaloo et al] soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums [sugar-free plums] danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn [equitably shared public parkland] there arose such a clatter [sound that does not violate Noise Abatement Bylaw 324],
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast [chest] of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny [free-range] reindeer

With a little [vertically challenged] old [senior] driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick [see above for multicultural appelations].
More rapid than eagles his coursers [unfairly assumes knowledge of old English, therefore: a fast-running horse-like creature] they came,
And he whistled, and shouted [spoke respectfully], and called them by name!

“Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen [Vivian, as Vixen carries with it negative connotations]!
On, Comet! On, Cupid [Cindy, as Cupid connotes nude babies bearing weapons]! on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now [please] dash away! [Pease] Dash away! [Please] Dash away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers [horse-like creatures] they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys [made from recyclables or renewable resources], and St Nicholas [see above] too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the [green and solar-panel equipped] roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas [see above] came with a bound.

He was dressed all in [fake] fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler [person, peddler is insulting to ultra-small-business retailers], just opening his pack.

His eyes — how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses [carnations, which are thorn-less], his nose like a cherry [as a result of hypoallergenic makeup, as opposed to alcohol or sunburn]!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white [Euro-American] as the snow.

The stump of a pipe [tree] he held tight in his teeth [gloved hand],
And the smoke [greenhouse gas, against which the tree can no longer fight because it was thoughtlessly cut down] it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly [taut rack of abdominal muscles shaped through consistent exercise and proper diet],
That shook [rippled] when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly [steel]!

He was chubby and plump [fit and trim], a right [left] jolly old [senior] elf [little person],
And I laughed [with him, not about him] when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A [non-harassing] wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings [leg coverings], then turned with a jerk [annoying person, oh wait, ignore that one].
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose [carnation, see above]!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team [partners or colleagues] gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a[n] [organic] thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy Christmas [Happy holidays] to all [except those who choose not to be holiday-season positive], and to all a good night!”