Why did my toddler have holiday tantrums?

January 27, 2013|By Kathy Lauer-Williams, Of The Morning Call

Q: I was so embarrassed over the holidays. My 3-year-old daughter threw a tantrum whenever we went to visit family or friends. She was fine all the way there, but as soon as we entered a house she started clinging and carrying on. What can we do to keep this from happening in the future?

A: Don't take it personally, says the Help for Families panel. This is developmentally typical behavior for a 3-year-old.

"It is not out of the ordinary for a child this age going from one household to another where there is lots going on and lots of strange people, to have a tantrum," says panelist Michael Daniels. "Three-year-olds get frustrated and don't know how to express themselves. You may have to chalk this up to another parenting experience."

A young child having an occasional tantrum in a stressful situation is not a cause for alarm, says panelist Bill Vogler. Tantrums are even more likely during the holidays, he says.

"Holidays are notorious for fatigue, too much food and over-excitement," he says. "There's a very good chance if she was well rested and familiar with where you were going, you could visit without her having a tantrum."

Vogler adds your daughter's behavior will improve as she matures.

"But in the meantime, there are developmentally appropriate ways to manage tantrums," Vogler says. "Try to help her adjust to brand new experiences. If she has a tantrum get down on her level to talk to her and separate her from other people."

Next time you go to visit, have a conversation with her before you leave, Daniels says. Ask her if she remembers going last time.

Let her take with her a comfort object such as a favorite toy or blanket, Vogler says.

If she doesn't have one of these, known as a transitional object, encourage her to pick out one, Daniels adds. Take along coloring books or something for her to do, as well as age-appropriate snacks.

"Knowing transitions might be an issue, pay attention to the child when you get there," Vogler says. "Play a game with her or walk her to the kitchen and get her a glass of water. Tantrums are often about a child's need for you to focus on them. She may be feeling lost and alone and it helps if you pay attention to her up front."

What usually leads to a tantrum is when a child feels she is scared or missing something she needs, Daniels says.

"She is not a bad child and she is not trying to make her mom look bad," he says.

Look at the pattern of her behavior, Vogler says.

"If the tantrums become chronic, you may have to investigate other strategies," Vogler says. "But if this is once and done, I would chalk it up to the stress of the holidays."