FULL TIME, AND CITY ARE OUT OF THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: Manchester City 1-1 Real Madrid.

And that's that. Silva attempts to break quickly upfield, but the referee blows his whistle and the Spaniard bangs the ball into the stand, suffering as he is from emotional tumult. City are out, while Real are through to the next round. Dortmund, incidentally, have won 4-1 at Ajax, and will join the Spanish champions in the second round as group winners. More European angst for Roberto Mancini, then, but look on the bright side: it's very unlikely he'll suffer the fate of poor Roberto di Matteo, and Chelsea aren't even out of the competition yet! City may still have a Europa League campaign to fall back on, but they'll need to win in Dortmund to have a chance of that, and hope Ajax don't match their result in Madrid. They might decide it's not worth the hassle, and concentrate on retaining their league title. Who knows?

90 min: Di Maria is replaced by Raul Albiol. There will be five minutes of added time. Jose Mourinho, ever the pantomime villain, plays his role by throwing his arms into the air in disgust, then clapping sarcastically at the fourth official while nodding at the crowd.

87 min: Di Maria slides Callejon free down the inside-right channel, but Kompany - paggered by cramp - finds something within himself to romp across and take charge of the situation. This has the rhythm of a basketball match now.

86 min: Dzeko sprays a wonderful diagonal ball to the feet of Yaya Toure on the right wing. Toure fizzes in a first-time low ball which is deflected out of play on the right by Ramos. The corner leads to nothing. Time is running out now. Typical of City to play so badly for so long, then tease their fans like this.

84 min: Most of the play is in City's half at the moment. Ronaldo breezes down the left, but Hart plucks his cross from the sky. The keeper shuttles the ball upfield, where Tevez slides a weak shot towards the bottom-left corner. Casillas gathers with minimum fuss.

82 min: Ronaldo races at the entire City back line on his own. As he nears the box, and drops a shoulder to break clear, he's cynically checked by Kompany - but doesn't get his free kick! Understandably, he starts waving his hands around in an extremely agitated fashion. The home crowd are highly amused, but their team have got away with one there.

78 min: Some really pretty triangles by City down the left. Silva eventually bustles towards the box, then sends Dzeko along the wing with a superlative reverse pass. Dzeko fires the ball through the area, but at a ludicrous height and pace, giving his team-mates in the centre no chance whatsoever. But City have really upped the tempo here. They've shown a massive improvement in this second half, although the bar for that was admittedly not high.

76 min: There's bedlam inside a previously quiet stadium. City have their tails up, and are pressing and probing. Silva, Tevez and Aguero are doing an awful lot of shimmying, most of it down the inside-left channel near the Real area. This could be quite a climax.

GOAL!!! Manchester City 1-1 Real Madrid (Aguero 73 pen)

Aguero wastes no time in getting up and calmly sliding the ball into the bottom right corner, Casillas having been sent the wrong way. Cool and calm. Unlike the crowd, who suddenly sense that this could really be on! City still need a goal - but they've got plenty enough time left to do it!

Penalty for City! And red card for Alvaro Arbeloa!

73 min: Dzeko wins a high ball down the inside left and lays off for Aguero, who bursts into the box before being clipped over from behind by Arbeloa. It's an obvious pen, and a second yellow for the defender! All of a sudden, this is on!

71 min: The home crowd are getting mighty frustrated. Silva is lucky to escape a booking after clacking Benzema on the ankle with a clumsy lunge. Benzema will be OK, and decides to waste a bit of time by rolling around in a gymnastic style.

68 min: Callejon comes on for Modric. "As City are finding out, CL football JUST DOESN'T GET TOUGHER THAN THIS," opines Masterchef fan Simon McMahon. "And unfortunately for them, Mourinho seems to be Michel Roux Jr., whilst Mancini is more like Gregg Wallace." At least you've got Mancini competing for Roux in the Professionals version, not lumping him in with the amateurs who dance little jigs for the pleasure of John Torode. At least you've given him that.

66 min: It nearly was all lost here. Ronaldo takes one of his trademark smacks from a ludicrously long range. Hart mishandles clumsily, the ball rebounding to Ronaldo who has followed his effort up. The Real star can't get a shot away, though, under pressure from Zabaleta, and goes down looking for a penalty he'll never get. Oh Joe!

64 min: What a miss! Maicon trundles down the right. His cross, sent into the six-yard box upon reaching the edge of the area, loops towards Aguero at the far post. The Argentinian striker connects with his boot as he rushes in, but his effort is brilliantly stopped on the line by Casillas, who is going down but sticks a strong arm up to deny City. The ball's hacked clear, and as several players hold their heads in their hands, there's a palpable sense that all is lost.

59 min: Zabaleta is booked for a late clip on Di Maria. A few seconds later, Arbeloa attempts to break clear into the area down the right, and is dragged back by Javi Garcia as he does so. It should be a foul, and probably a booking too, but the referee gives nothing, and City get away with it.

58 min: Nasri attempts to Ibrahimovic home with a backheel from 12 yards while suspended six feet in the air, his back to goal. He connects, which is a feat in itself, but can't get the effort on target.

56 min: This should have been curtains for City, as Ronaldo zips into acres down the left. He reaches the byline and dinks a cross into the centre, where Khedira (chef) and Benzema (sous) combine to cook a seven-course meal. It's all very palatable to Hart, who cleans up.

55 min: Dzeko makes a holy nuisance of himself down the right. Javi Garcia can't control the resulting cross, ten yards out, but the ball flies to Silva, cutting in from the right. Silva sidefoots the ball on target, towards the bottom right, but there's not enough pace on the ball, and Casillas has read what's going on anyway.

50 min: Silva slinks down the inside-right channel, a dip in his hip and a glide in his stride. He slips clear of the lumbering Pepe - who could have conceded a penalty were the Spaniard feeling more dishonest crafty - and lays the ball off to Aguero, who cutting in from Silva's right shoulder, clumps a horrible heavy touch straight to Casillas, the keeper able to clear. That was City's best chance of the evening, though. They look like they've been given a good old blast of Roberto Mancini's specially installed Babyliss during the interval.

47 min: Alonso is booked for a late slide on Silva that can be best described as agricultural. Meanwhile Patrick D'Arcy suggests we wash down everything on our Silva salver (piss-poor entries passim) "with a mug of Barry's tea". A gentle MOR riff, this one, perhaps, but life at the cutting edge is so tiring. I prefer it here.

46 min: Maicon trundles down the right. He's far better going forward than he is in defence, although that's not saying much. He lumps a high ball into the six yard box. Dzeko clatters into Casillas, fairly in my book. And in the referee's. Play continues, and the ball's swept clear, at which point the Real captain starts whining and bleating in the modern style. The ref looks him up and down with something approaching disdain. A nice, old-fashioned start to the half.

The second half begins!

HALF-TIME MUSICAL INTERLUDE

Today's half-time entertainment is inspired by a place halfway between Manchester and Madrid. Sort of.

Not bad for a record they admit they made "almost by accident", eh? Purists may knock this track, but as it sounds a bit like the incidental music from Gregory's Girl, it's good enough for us. Here, while we're at it, what's on the B-side?

"Sixty miles to reach my guy in Northampton..." The dulcet-toned Ms Jardim, incidentally, was one of the backing singers on Video Killed the Radio Star by Buggles, so that's quite a portfolio she's built up there. By the way, within a couple of months of this 7-inch platter hitting the racks of Woolworths and Our Price, Northampton Town had installed some new floodlights, so as an economic booster, this project was clearly second to none. Are you listening, Gideon Osbourne? Hats off to Basil Bean, general manager of the Northampton Development Corporation, and the happy, happy sound of Keynesian economics in action!

HALF TIME: Manchester City 0-1 Real Madrid

Well, the best you can say about that half from a Manchester City perspective is that they only conceded the one, and are still in this year's Champions League by the skin of their teeth. Incidentally, Dortmund are three up at Ajax, and as good as through to the last 16 barring the unfolding of a risible farce. Speaking of which, the second half here begins in 15 minutes.

44 min: City's defending is not far short of a total disgrace. Kompany and Zabaleta perform the After You Claude jig, allowing Benzema to skitter free down the inside left. He looks for the top right, but gets far too much on the shot, which flies wide.

43 min: Zabaleta and Arbeloa clatter into each other down the City left. It's half of one, fifty percent of the other, but City get the free kick. It's lumped into the area. Dzeko shapes to volley a dropping ball, but it's spirited away before he can connect. "Never mind the nine balls in Joe Hart's net," begins Gary Naylor. "With a crotch as low slung as that, he could have nine balls in [SNIP - Guardian Family Entertainment Editor]

40 min: "Since you reported the auto-refresh jiggered, it's started to work," writes Geoff Ashworth. Ha, that sounds about right. A wee shame I haven't had the same effect on City's defenders, then. They're still a complete shower. An aimless ball's fizzed into the City box from the right. It should be easily dealt with by Nastasic, but the defender miskicks wildly, and nearly lets Benzema in, six yards out. Luckily, Hart is out quickly to smother.

37 min: Benzema bowls down the left and curls one into the area for Di Maria, who isn't too far from connecting first time on the spot and firing goalwards. The ball sails through to Hart, though. "We could serve up this scran (19 min) on a Silva salver," suggests Simon Frank, a man who should be accompanied at all times by a percussionist equipped with cymbal and bass drum.

32 min: Arbeloa and Alonso execute a pincer movement on Aguero. The former is booked, the latter gets away with it. That's a free kick to City, 25 yards out, in a fairly central position. Kolarov takes the set piece, but curls a harmless effort over the wall and well wide right of the goal. Casillas hasn't had much to do, but City at least appear to have stemmed the relentless tide, and haven't given up a chance for a wee while.

31 min: Silva's been very quiet, but he Riverdances down the right at high speed, a very ostentatious sashay, before pulling the ball back for Dzeko. The ball's slightly behind the striker, who can't keep his shot on target.

29 min: Yaya Toure picks up a yellow for a cynical trip on Ronaldo. He'll miss the last group game in Dortmund. Meanwhile, a note to those readers too lazy to press "refresh" on their browser manually: our auto-refresh tool appears to be JIGGERED. Sorry about that, and for any additional wear and tear suffered by your mouse.

27 min: Maicon bursts forward down the inside-right channel, before cutting inside and exchanging quick passes with Aguero. He looks to poke a shot into the bottom-left corner, but overcooks the bend on the ball and it sails wide of the post. Better from City.

25 min: There could so easily have been a goal at either end here. First Khedira is set clear through City's joke of a back line. He's in the area with only Hart to beat, but after considering rounding the keeper, tries to dink the ball home instead. Hart smothers brilliantly. Up the field whoosh City, Aguero breaking into a bit of space down the inside left. He can't get a shot away, and must settle for a corner, from which nowt happens. This is highly entertaining stuff, although possibly not if you're a supporter of Manchester City.

24 min: Ronaldo is this close to springing free down the inside left, but he's caught offside. Meanwhile poor Louise Gill and Mac Millings were this close to delivering the gag about Joe Hart's nine balls, but Simon McMahon beat them to it. Points for effort, though.

22 min: "Whilst your picture undeniably shows Joe Hart catching a ball, there are nine more in the goal behind him," notes our old pal Simon McMahon. "An omen perhaps?" Well, City haven't showed much up front yet, but they do something here, Aguero finding a wee bit of space on the edge of the area as he turns, nudging the ball forward, then looking to curl home at pace into the top right. Casillas has to arc his back to tip the ball over the bar. The corner comes to naught, but that's better from City, who have otherwise been an utter shambles so far.

19 min: Di Maria zips down the right at high velocity. The ball's swung into the area for Benzema, who chests down for the onrushing Modric. The former Spurs striker sees his low shot deflected wide left for a corner, which Hart claims without fuss. "Scott," begins our old pal Mac Millings, in that overly friendly way which suggests he's up to something, "it's always nice, I'm sure you'll agree, to have some food-based player names on the team sheets. There's Nacho, obviously, and Hart, for the venison-inclined. But the last time I had anything like a Pantilimon was when I left a slice of lime in my y-fronts for a week. I can report that it had maintained its sourness. And its moisture." I've only published this because it's well past teatime in Manchester and the immediate environs, Millings. Anyway, you may or may not be interested in tonight's fourth official, whose surname is Grilli. I'm not sure a kitchen appliance quite fits in with your riff, but it's all I've got.

16 min: A minor brouhaha in the box from the resulting corner. Hart punches clear, but not particularly convincingly. Benzema takes a shot goalwards, but it's blocked. Phew. OK, here's some musical relief for City fans who might already have the sweat on. "Wouldn't It Be Good if City use their Wide Boy to help solve The Riddle of CL qualification?" wonders caption riffer Simon McMahon, who has clearly been fingering through his record box but has yet to flick through the Chesney Hawkes section.

15 min: City's defence is an abject embarrassment. Real spring their offside trap 40 yards from goal. Ronaldo races towards the box, draws Hart, and chips over towards the empty net. Luckily for City, Nastasic tracks back and hacks off the line. Ronaldo gets another bite at the cherry, but his attempt to thread home into the bottom right is miscued.

14 min: City are all over the shop here. It's Ronaldo to Khedira again, the latter sending a header into the left-hand side netting. For a second, the crowd - and your hapless MBM hack - thought that one had gone in.

12 min: Ronaldo must have three shoulders, because he drops three - one, two, three - as he Gareth Bales his way past Maicon down the left. He pulls a low ball in for Khedira, who tries to guide the ball into the right-hand bottom corner, but sends it wide of the net instead.

GOAL!!! Manchester City 0-1 Real Madrid (Benzema 10)

This was so simple for City. And so much for the excellent Kompany, who plays Benzema onside. Di Maria swings a ball into the area from the right. City push out, but not all together, and Benzema is all alone, six yards from goal, right in the centre. He belts the ball past Hart, who looks pained, but at least can't be blamed for this one.

9 min: Benzema is set clear down the inside-right channel, but he can't keep control of the ball as he makes his way into the area, and the magnificent Kompany pops across to take the ball from him. Upfield, Ronaldo has been bodychecked, and is throwing his arms around in semaphore shapes which spell EFF and CEE.

7 min: Coentrao reaches the byline down the left with a sharp burst of speed, but his cutback is cut out by Kompany. City sweep upfield, where Ramos clumsily clatters into the back of Dzeko. He's lucky to avoid going in the book.

5 min: Kolarov, taking a free kick just inside the Real half down the left, loops the ball into the box. Casillas dives at full length to punch the ball clear of danger. Very fancy. Speaking of goalkeepers, have you seen the picture illustrating this report? You have, haven't you. "Good at catching stuff?" splutters Achuth Vasudevan, who has been nosing around the photo caption at the top of this report, I'll be bound. "Somewhere in Paris in a 5 star hotel that he's thinking of buying, critically acclaimed author Zlatan ibrahimovic is having a chuckle reading that." Heh, well, yes. To be honest, I was trying to tippy-toe round the subject. England's No1 hasn't been having as good a season as, say, Fraser Forster of Celtic, has he? But let's spread the love, and not riff on his pain tonight, for he'll need to be on his game this evening if City are to keep their slim Champions League hopes alive.

4 min: A strange atmosphere at the City of Manchester Stadium. It's not quiet, but it's not particularly noisy either, the crowd fully aware of what a long shot qualification is. The team will need to do something first to get the crowd belting out their songbook at full pelt. On that subject, here's some Early Hope, the City Way. Note the early use of the word "resigned" in this missive from Ian Kay: "I'm resigned to City's departure from the Champions and Nearly Champions League, but am nevertheless looking forward to tonight's game wholeheartedly. Our defeat of Bayern last year was tainted by them having already qualified, so it would be great to beat a big team in a game that mattered to them."

2 min: Had I not been faffing around unprofessionally during the run-up to kick off, I'd have already told you that City are playing in their trademark powder blue, while Real are in a dreadful bottle-green get-up not seen since the days of Graeme Souness's Liverpool. Ech. Anyway, both sides take turns to stroke the ball round awhile, but there's nothing much to report of yet.

Referee: Gianluca Rocchi (Italy). An up-and-coming chappie, this one. He was over here for the Olympic Games, should you remember those, to be honest I'd totally forgotten about them, a lot of blethering on about nothing much. And he was the whistler when Barcelona scraped past Celtic at Camp Nou last month. Oh, and he was the fourth official when Atletico Madrid beat Fulham in the 2010 Europa League final.

Welcome to one of the biggest wastes of time in the history of All Football!

Hey, not our words. We're just taking our lead from Jose Mourinho. "This season Manchester City will be out. I think they can win tomorrow and at Dortmund – why not? But eight points is not enough and I think they will be out for a second successive time and that must be difficult for them."

So there you have it. That's that, then. But the show must go on, so let's paint on a smile and take to the stage.

Actually, it shouldn't be too difficult to muddle through tonight, because this promises to be a highly entertaining match. City may not have been particularly successful in Europe this season - and in fairness they were drawn in Group XXX - but their matches have been F. U.N. Albeit from a City supporter's perspective with the emphasis firmly on the EFF. Roberto Mancini's side have staged a last-minute comeback against Borussia Dortmund. They've engaged in two ding-dong battles with Ajax. And most memorably of all, they were within four minutes of winning in the Bernabeu before Joe Hart Dependable Goalkeeper was replaced by Happy Hands Hart the Children's Entertainer, and defeat was snatched from the jaws of victory. A repeat of that opening-night rollercoaster ride, only with City coming out on top for once, would keep Mancunian hopes alive, albeit only faintly.

Jose has a point, though: this is one hell of a tall order for City. Only two clubs in Champions League history have turned round a situation like theirs: Lokomotiv Moscow in 2002/03, and Porto in 2004/05. But playing at home is a start: they're unbeaten in 19 European matches at the City of Manchester Stadium, a run stretching back to a 1-0 defeat by Midtjylland in the Uefa Cup in 2008. They're also coming back off a 5-0 win over Aston Villa, so their tails should be up. Madrid, mind you, have just beaten Athletic Bilbao 5-1, so form may be no guide. One thing certainly in Real's favour is the headcount in the race for the Ballon d'Or: they're winning 6-2, with nominations for Karim Benzema, Iker Casillas, Mesut Ozil, Sergio Ramos, Cristiano Ronaldo and Xabi Alonso; City's runners, for the record, are Kun Aguero and Mario Balotelli. This, whichever way you spin it, is one hell of a test for the home side.

Schadenfreude will likely be the order of the day should City fail in their quest. It's an inevitable by-product of spending all that money, and the days are long gone when English fans support all English clubs in Europe. But it'll be hard not to feel some sympathy for them. For the second season running, they've been dealt a dreadful hand. And every single match they've played has been worth the entrance fee. We'll miss them when they're gone.

The unlikely rescue mission begins at: 7.45pm in Manchester, 8.45pm in Madrid. It is on!