What I’ve Always Wanted

People tend to ask you that…what have you always wanted? Others like to rephrase it by saying, if money were not an impediment, what would you do? I’ve had this tossed out to me in the past and I’ve always answered with trivial things, those that will accentuate my vanity, or my need to outperform my peers. Yes, those two have crossed my mind.

Then there are the responses of travelling, owning my own business, writing my book, and finally to the point where I am right now. Money isn’t an issue. My husband and I have found we can live off of his salary for the past four years. Would we like more money? Absolutely, but truthfully we’re living comfortably and a lot better than most. So, what have I always wanted to do? Be able to volunteer and devote my time, energy, and skills to a cause that is near and dear to my heart. I didn’t know what was near and dear to my heart for a long time. I’ve fought so hard, impatiently asked of the Lord what my calling should be, what more could I do outside of being a devoted and Godly wife and mother I’ve prayed for a way that I can use my writing skills for something more than just trying to write that painstaking novel that will be my ticket to paradise. There’s got to be more to my life than that.

Last month, that opportunity presented itself to me on the nine year anniversary of brother’s death. When I attended my first meeting for the Cancer Survivors Park Alliance Group, I was a little nervous and a bit overwhelmed. I was surrounded by philanthropists, business owners, executives, and artists. I was engulfed by an overwhelming body of water that I had never been a part of in my life

Thoughts swirled through my head after I left the meeting. Could I do this? Would I really have something to contribute? Would they all laugh at my ideas? Flash forward a month, and it’s a completely new spectrum. Yesterday I attended my second meeting for the CSPA Group. I listened to stories of what’s happened in the press, the discussion of those lives who were recently lost to a form of cancer. I watched potential commercials, looked at designs for banners, flyers, and digital signage. I asked my questions and offered my input and what’s strange and exhilarating for me…I engaged in intelligent conversations, had my thoughts taken seriously, and actually walked away with an eagerness to work.

Tonight, I sit here in bed, The Greenville Journal, my notes, and various websites pulled up. I sit here and work on my ideas, write marketing plans, and watch House of Cards. As much as I love being home with my boys, it’s so personally rewarding to be doing something more. My stomach twists in pains of guilt and anxiety when I contemplate going back to work full time and leaving my boys. I don’t want someone else raising them and I don’t want someone else experiencing all of their firsts or even their seconds and thirds, but I do love feeling like that missing piece of the puzzle in my personality is now back in place.

As ridiculously cliché as it may sound, I feel like I’m whole again and it’s refreshing.