Found some photos of him with one of his long term AP's, and his brother and friends in the photos. I'm sick right now from embarrassment. All these years they knew and no one let on. I'm so disgusted. Anyone else this happened to?

Me: BGF, 43
Him: WBF, 35
Together 9 years, moved in 8/15/2013

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jan 2014

Merlin♂ 30221Member # 30221

Posted: 5:16 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014

Kitty,

This is a hard thing to swallow. But affair enablers are everywhere. If an affair has any legs to it, there are almost certainly people that you know that know what your spouse is doing. And it's sickening.

They get to watch as a good marriage burns to the ground. The pain, doubt and suffering is not theirs.

My ex-w had an entire cheering section, 'friends' she made and even some distant cousins at the line-dancing road house where it all went down.

Hopefully, none of your WH's enablers are close to you. You really don't need people like this in your life.

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Oh yes! It's more common than not that friends of the wayward spouse knew about what they were doing.

My XWW's dysfunctional "friends" not only knew - they provided moral and material support. I never had a problem, cross word, or argument with any of them. They all laughed and joked around with me and my young children while helping to stab us in the back.

The extent they went to facilitate her shitbag affair was sick and sordid. Then again, they are all broken, dysfunctional, toxic, alcoholics, in bad marriages, divorced, and committing adultery themselves. They are all worthy of the Jerry Springer stage all the while thinking they are fabulous.

I've burned bridges with all of them. When my sons are old enough to understand and handle what went on, I will tell them the role each and every one of them played in helping to destroy the family they loved.

I Divorced Her.

Posts: 372 | Registered: May 2012

yearsofpain25♂ 42012Member # 42012

Posted: 5:30 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014

Ugh!!! Sorry Kitty70 but yes this is a very common theme. Many of my parents so called "friends" introduced my mother to the Om and even let them screw in their houses. My aunt was particularly bad in this area and even double dated with my mom. WTF!!! I couldn't even bring myself to go to my aunt's funeral a few years back. As far as her friends go...thanks for the cash at graduation and my wedding but F You!!! I never spoke to any of them again after I found out. They were ALL dead to me after I found out.

"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 2894 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US

SisterMilkshake♀ 30024Member # 30024

Posted: 5:33 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014

FWH's H.S. BF of over 40 years knew of the affair. In fact, he allowed FWH to bring his cumdumpster on a 3 day snowmobile trip he had planned for MisterSister and himself. Cumdumpster had to bring a ho for H.S. BF , too, of course. This is a man who was at our wedding, we went to his wedding.

MisterSister destroyed a lifelong friendship with his disgusting behaviour. I have seen the BF twice (once at a funeral) since d-day, totally ignored him and he knew better than to try to approach me. I wouldn't have blamed him so much if he didn't tell me about the affair, but to actively assist in the betrayal is unforgivable to me.

This feels like the umpteenth dday I've had. I just found this out so I'm shocked. I had always thought that no one knew, that he kept it secret. Now I feel like a big dummy, like it cheapened our relationship even more. The fact that this went on for years and I'm hanging out with his friends and so was she and god knows who else all this time. UGH UGH UGH. So sick.

I'm sorry for all of you who've had to go through it. And involving your children is even more sickening. I'm so sick right now I want to throw up.

Me: BGF, 43
Him: WBF, 35
Together 9 years, moved in 8/15/2013

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jan 2014

nomoredreams♀ 41907Member # 41907

Posted: 7:08 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014

I have asked my WH repeatedly and he swears no one
nmd knows, but the way his friends won't meet my eyes...now. I do not believe him and I am so thoroughly pissed off at all of them. I wish they would all go the F away and stay away.

I am so sorry.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Jan 2014

LadyLove♀ 40664Member # 40664

Posted: 7:30 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014

Oh yes.. My WH had an entire cheerleading section as well... His mother was head cheerleader, then there was also his brother, his aunt and uncle and numerous cousins and friends..

They've all ceased to exist for the most part.. for both WH and I. They are not friends of the marriage so they are effectively dead to us.. Of course the mother will be contacted from time to time to see if she's still alive, but that's pretty much the extent of it.

Cut these enablers out of your lives, they are not friends of your marriage/relationship.

Just adds to the betrayal I'm sorry kitty, my WH didn't tell Nyone wen I did tell him how about I ask your friends what they think about what u did he turned white as a ghost cuz he dsnt want ANYONE to kno , cuz all his friends wuld give him HELL

WH: 39/BW:Me,32
Married 14 years in March, 2 Beautiful children 8 & 12
D-Day: Xmas Eve 2013-worst day of my life

"The most expensive thing in th world is TRUST, it takes years to earn and just a matter of seconds to lose"

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: santa rosa ca

BAB61♀ 41181Member # 41181

Posted: 8:16 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014

My STBX's long time friends didn't know, or didn't act like they knew ... but the people he worked with, some of them knew .. some were my so-called friends. It sickens me too, but I tell myself that I was a loving, trusting person .. not a dummy .. not stupid ... and now that I know HE is not trustworthy .. it will not ever happen again.

Nothing more true ever said. So many people get off on watching others crash and burn, like a day at the racetrack.

Our MC put it best, friend of the marriage or not a friend of the marriage, no other categories.

Not a friend of the ENTIRE marriage! which means the two of you together! THEN THEY ARE GONE FOREVER.

My wife's secret keeping friends are all gone, even if they knew nothing about the affair, there were other secrets (her drug use and drinking), now she goes to AA, meets with three friends who know she's an alcoholic, and works on keeping it open and honest.

Those people were never your marriage's friends....to much "r" for them.

Nobody needs "fiends" of the marriage....

BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1095 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA

Gman1♂ 40879Member # 40879

Posted: 8:44 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014

Unfortunately, I think this scenario is very commonplace and is definitely another slap in the face for all of us. In my case, my WW suffers from depression and takes medication daily. Since I have known her, the depression has mostly been under control and has not been an issue. About a year ago, without my knowledge or her expressing it to me, she fell into a deep depression. I had no idea as she hid her thoughts from me. She wasn't happy in any aspect of her life although on the outside she didn't look any different. One day she messaged a FB friend and a long distance EA started with the son of one of her father's army buddies. The EA turned into a weekend PA when she traveled with her father to a reunion. Her father had no knowledge of any of this. But during the entire 2-3 month ordeal, my WW confided all her thoughts to her best friend at the time and her friend validated her feelings and almost seemed to want to live her life trough my WW's. I discovered texts between my WW and her girlfriend and her friend wrote that she wanted to have a similar experience and seemed like a cheerleader cheering my WW on. I felt sick after reading the texts. I knew that her friend was the only person on earth who knew what was going on and did nothing to stop it. In fact, I think with her validation of my WW's feelings, that my WW actually took the last step which took the A from an EA to a PA. I was beyond pissed when I found out about her girlfriend's stance and read the texts. I confronted her friend and let her know exactly what I thought. They are not friends any longer which is a good thing.

Posts: 368 | Registered: Oct 2013

LolaJean♀ 42669Member # 42669

Posted: 3:51 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014

I found out that WBF had been cheating on me with his best friend's roommate who lived two doors down from us. They carried on this affair in front of all of "our" friends while I was at work or away and would protect all his secrets when I was around. I found texts between WBF and these friends with sick details about how great the other girls are and the amazing night they had and whatnot. Makes me sick. I think it's important to find new friends away and apart from the relationship and start building a new support system.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Southern California

Breezy150♀ 42421Member # 42421

Posted: 5:58 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014

It doesn't seem fair that we are continually kicked to the ground as more details come out. You are not alone at all though, I lost a whole lot of friends after DDay. It's like being stabbed in the back over and over. I am so sorry.

I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

Kitty, my betrayer,with my wife, was my best friend.In this circle we had many friends in common,some knew and gradually,over the two years more knew. And not one took moral pause to tell me.
Was that wounding?
But two reasons:they know this is very dangerous territory they don't want ACTIVE involvement.They see that if they tell,they are the exact casual link in a explosion of pain.The other thing,if your partner didn't recognize the vow of fidelity,why should they? Its not their problem. Heads in the sand. I'm not excusing them;I am saying I do understand if not condom why they said, did nothing.Why they enabled by silence.
In my case (diff from yours),I finally decided this was the least of the violation. And yes..lest I seem too mild,none of them are my friends now. People are weak. I'm sorry,I know it is bad.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2014

igtburnsed♀ 42537Member # 42537

Posted: 9:23 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014

I know what you mean. I found out my WH started by asking a few of our friends if he should pursue the OW. He couldn't even make the decision to do it on his own. They encouraged it & knew about it, yet had no problem visiting my home, calling me to chat or asking me for help & favors. I don't want anything to do with any of them, but some are family members & my WH says he can't cut off friends & family for supporting him when he went to them for acceptance & understanding. He recently told me I'm a selfish bitch for not wanting to be around people so good to him, that he knows I'm hurt by them but that they only did it because he asked them to so he's the only guilty party. It's ridiculous. They all take him in during his pity parties as well - they are probably the biggest reason we won't reconcile.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Feb 2014

william41986Member # 41986

Posted: 9:31 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014

most of my wifes friends and even a cousin, to one extent or another, enabled her affairs. some disapproved and told her not to do it or not with that particular guy but not one had the common sense to say "hey, lets stop going to this club so you arent around this guy", not one said "hey, what you are doing is really morally wrong". they just went along with it.
my wife has since severed contact with all of them. good riddance to bad rubbish.

My husband had an affair 12 years ago with his ex girlfriend. I found out about it in October when he confessed. I then remembered a time when his mother was here from another state for the weekend for my son's first birthday. She called our house and asked my Husband to come to where she was staying. He did not go because we were preparing for the party the next day (so I thought), but the real reason he did not go is because he had ended the affair but his mother wanted him to come over because she had this ex girlfriend there and wanted to he her get back together with him. WHAT??!! Yes, his own mother knew all of these years about the affair, and not only did she know about it, try to get them back together after it was over, but she was the person who gave the unlisted work number to her in the first place to make initial contact. My MIL know that she was getting a divorce and wanted to get back together with him.

our nieghbours knew as he told the husband as he did not want him to hear it from someone else, their daughter is the OW 's best friend. They went out on dates, the daughter and her partner came to see how our renovations were coming on, all the hamlet knew before me..............feels like they were all laughing behind my back.....why are people like this....can face them but not the Ow still.

me BS 56yr
Him WS 55yr
Married 34 years 2 sons 4 grandchildren

Posts: 217 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: France

Hannah25♀ 42198Member # 42198

Posted: 1:54 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014

In my previous relationship, the OW was a part of our circle of friends. When I found out, I assumed that they kept it from all of our friends also. Then, a few weeks after we split up, I saw one of the group out at the mall. When I told her that we were splitting, She said "We've all been waiting for that to happen". WTF??? Maybe it would have happened sooner if one of you assholes had told me about it!

After the A, my ex and the OW continued to be part of the group, and I lost every friend that I had.