If I had to describe myself, it would be in a word that has many meanings with a complexity which falls off the tongue.A word made up of many elements, is deceptive in appearance, and creates an illusion from the imagination. My word would be Phantasmagoric. ~Summer Ross

writing stuff

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Most people have fears, even if they don't admit them to another living soul, it doesn't mean they don't exist. The only person who can say for sure is the person themselves.

I have fears, fears that include a man but aren't afraid of him killing me. I guess in a way he could, he could kill my want to live. But that's because i give him that control. It's my ex husband. Everyday that goes by I fear, mostly for my children and partially for my self. If I don't do good in his eyes, in the courts eyes my kids are gone. He can try to strip them from me. I'm terrified of that. I would fight with everything I have and all that I am, doesn't mean I'll win. It wont matter how much I love them, but because he makes a better living then I and because he is now remarried with two person income and a new house and I am not, means he could use this against me and the court could see how much better he could care for our children. It's all fear based, but true. It's an overwhelming fear that he could try to do this if I make one wrong move.

At the same time, this class opened allot of doors in my brain. Showing me just how much control i let him have because he truly sees himself as superior, was raised that way by his mother, and after five years of marriage almost convinced me that i was inferior.

I want to say "I'm the person who stands up, never backs down, doesn't allow those I love to walk over me." But in truth, I'm just learning how to do that. I can walk into school and pretend so easily that I'm not terrified, of class, of those younger around me, of the women who can manage to truly say I don't let people walk over me, men or women. But it's an image I produce, and not in truth, in truth I'm terrified of everything I'm going through right not, terrified of failing in college, and terrified right down to everything that I am that my ex will gain custody of my two beautiful girls and take everything from me.