Tag: Inside

Sachin Dewal, who had walked away ago long ago, is back with a bang. With more maturity, wisdom and a better understanding of what is real and what is not. He had abandoned the company and is back to finish unfinished business. To close the circle so to say. He has become the ‘sutradhaar’ of the new team and we are shaping up to win a few matches with late night trainings and a 20 hour work schedule. Good start boys. Keep it up.

We experienced something spectacular on New Year. The team invested jointly to procure T-shirts with the company logo designed and printed on it. Not only that, they wore it together and wished me ‘Happy New Year’. It was an awesome experience. Because this kind of an activity is usually done by companies for creating and promoting their brand, as a marketing gimmick. And here this was done by our team with their own money and effort, for our own bonding, for showing their solidarity and goodwill for the company. Not for promotion or for marketing. Therefore this was an ’out of this world’ experience. Thank you guys. This will stay with me for times to come. Specially when the times get tough.

Thank you Appu, for taking care of the logistics of the New Year party for the team. You rock girl. Your timely, untimely support means a lot to me. You are the best thing that happened in my life.

My father called up and apologized for what he said. I don’t know if the wounds inside can heal with this apology. Maybe. maybe not. Waqt batayega. Time is a great healer. Maybe before I die, I will be at peace.

It is that time of the month again. Bills, rents, salaries. God. Ok just breathe normally. Pause. Breathe again. Aaj tak ho gaya hai. Phir ho jayega. We will mangage. We have shifted. We have a good team. And we have work. Aur kya chahiye? Practice some gratitude. Gratefulness. A strange trait which does not come naturally to us. Har baat mein shikayat hai. Kabhie toh dhanyavaad bhi dena chahiye.

Ek panditji aate hain office mein puja karne. And he said to me ‘ Arthik dand sabse bada dand hai’. ‘Financial punishment is the biggest punishment’. Pata nahin. I don’t know. never thought like that. But gradually the statement is sinking in. It makes sense. As long as we are dependent financially as individuals, as families, as a society, as a country on other people, we are serving a punishment. We can never achieve our true potential. We can never be who we could truly be. So apart from a corruption free and bijli paani available country, we also have to make sure that each one of us is creating wealth, generating money for ourselves and the country.

And no political leader can do that for us. if we are ‘kaamchor’, if we deliver sub-standard work, if we are waiting for miracles to happen in our lives without the necessary groundwork, we will feel let down by any leader we choose. It does not matter. We all need to be leaders in our on lives. Whereever we are, with what we have. We do not need special chairs to declare us leaders. But the lure of somebody else cleaning our shitpot is huge. It is easier to blame than to do the hard work ourselves. And if we all are leaders, anyone we choose to lead will be a leader, beyond doubt.

We have to rise as a nation. Not look for band aid solutions. Shortcuts. Quickfix solutions to long term problems. Anti-depressants where major surgery is required. Infatuation in place of love and respect.

To keep the office and house running is in itself a herculean task. Sometimes there is no water, sometimes there is no electricity and sometimes the net is not working. When the admin issues have been resolved, the team is not motivated enough to deliver their best. And all this in an environment where ‘ excellence’ means nothing. Where ‘striving’ is not an attitude. Where everything is about money and a ‘chalta hai’ attitude.

The display of emotions in the form of objects, even human beings in the malls, the constant blaring of advertisements on the radio trying to sell something, the full page print ads in the newspapers, the constant screaming and screeching to persuade us to buy something, anything, is deafening. The eyes, ears and senses are all saturated with noise. If you can buy, you are something. if you cannot, you are nothing. Yeh kaunse upanishad se aayee hai definition? Of ‘beingness’ and ‘nothingness’? The amount of money defines our net worth in the family, society, country and world at large. Let us all run for money.

The office needs to be vacated. And both me and Appu are very stressed about it. There are projects which need to be finished before the move is made. More stress. And most members of the team need a break. Kya combination hai. The Appellate Body of AAI is not meeting to discuss the various cases for enhanced height clearance and the clients are getting into a panic mode. How can we tell them that we are as powerless as they themselves, maybe more so as they have at least M & M ( Money and Muscle power) at their disposal. Handover kar do bhaiyya. Yeh desh aise hi chalta hai. Let go and let God.

Wish to stop for a while and check the lat-long. Is this where we want to be? With so much of fakeness around? With so much of materialism? And where are the leaders? Where are the revolutionaries?

Yes, there is a certain tiredness of the spirit and the soul. We are paying our bills but that is not sufficient food for the soul. There is an emptiness of the spirit which cannot be filled by outside stuff.

From ‘nothingness’ to ‘completeness’. From noise to silence. From ‘takingness’ to ‘givingness’. From ‘togetherness’ to ‘aloneness’. From ‘talking the talk’ to ‘walking the walk’. Long journey. Of living from the inside rather than the outside. Of growing up. Of living in the spiritual realm. of following the spiritual laws. Laws which sepercede all the courts created and ruled by men.

The source of India’s richness and power lay in its ability to function within and from this spiritual realm. From its ability to live in simplicity. A source which is now fast depleting because we are aping the west blindly and getting dis-connected from this huge reservoir of limitless energy and abundance. And therefore we are getiing poorer by the second. And wondering why. This beautiful tradition of doing ‘namaste’, of bowing down to the spirit in each human being in prayer, of greeting with folded hands. Kahan dikhta hai? We have forgotten the art of respecting the spirit in ourselves and in other human beings. Then we want more cops, more laws, more judges, more security, more malls, more freedom without the responsibility. In short ‘more’ of everything. In the realm of the spirit, the ‘lesser’ is better’. Less belongings, less attachments, less cravings, less food leading to a simple yet powerful life. The most powerful feelings can be expressed through the simplest of words, the simplest of gestures.

Simplicity. Dhoonte reh jayoge.

As this year ends, we would like to greet every other human being on this planet Earth with folded hands, in humility and in prayer to the spirit within each one of us. We would like to pray for their well being, for abundance and peace in their lives. For all whom we have harmed and for those who may have harmed us. So here is asking for peace for everyone in our immediate family, For those who have owned us and for those who have dis-owned us, for all who have touched our lives in any small way and for those whose existence is unknown to us. May the bond of humanity within us be strengthened and may we learn to respect each other regardless of caste,creed,color,money,country and looks.

We would like to invite all our ex-team members of GC for making amends. All those who walked out in anger, in desperation. All on whom I shouted and screamed, all whose salary was deducted or not paid and all who have resentments against us. This New Year, please visit us and forgive us. We need all of you to send us positive energy. Each one of you has a played a very important part in our journey and we would like to honor you. Please be with us in mind and spirit.

And to Appu. For being present for her physically but absent emotionally. For exposing her to every possible danger, from being on the roads to being penniless.

“Om Dhyauh Shantir- Antarisksham Shantih,

Shanti Prithvi, Shanti Rapah,

Shanti Rosadayah, Shanti Banaspatayah,

Shantir Vishvedevah,

Shantir Brahma Shantir Sarvam,

Shantih Shanti Reva,

Shantih Sama Sganti Redhi

Om Shantih Shantih Shantih Hari Om”
Unto the heaven be peace, unto the sky and the earth be peace.
Peace be unto the waters; unto the herbs and the trees be peace.
Unto all the gods be peace, unto Brahma and unto all be peace.
And may all be peace.

A pause. A break. Much needed. From the daily chaos of life. From the constant wear and tear of living. From the politics of survival. Survival of the fittest.

We have a CA and we have a core team. Quite a miracle I must say. Actually we are alive, that in itself is a miracle. We could have died in many ways: financially, emotionally, physically. Maybe large parts of us have died. But there is yet some life. There is a glimmer of hope. And hope is everything.

The past few weeks have been extremely hectic. Of course the doors of AAI have closed on us. But we have taken the time to educate ourselves further to understand the Approach Plates and other navigation aspects of aviation. And for the first time, we are learining for the sake of learning. Not for marks, not for money ( ok maybe it exists somewhere on the faraway horizon of our mind because of the constant bills)), not for accolades or fame. A huge shift in our understanding of ‘knowledge for the sake of knowledge’.

I am tired. Quite tired actually. So today the effort is to take a break. From calls, from work, from learning. To be silent for a while. Inside and outside. Appu has taken a scooter on installments and she has promised to give me a ride in the evening. I am looking forward to it. It is quite a job to run the pantry in the office. And the house. So Ashok and Vikas have taken over the responsibility in the office for now. Thank you guys. And Appu has taken the responsibility for running the house. What better gift than to be relieved of all the responsibilities. Thank you bebzer.

We do not own property. And we do not have a spectacular turnover. So I really do not know if we have achieved anything as per the standards of the outside world. But we have ensured that every member of our team is a leader.
We have made an effort to learn something everyday and to be better than yesterday, everyday. And we have survived with our self respect intact.

An overwhelming response to our need for a team. We have had people applying from various parts of the country and at various stages of their career. To each one of them, I would like to say ‘thank you’. Regardless of whether we could forge a relationship or not. Thank you very much for applying. For showing interest in GC. And to all the Gen-X out there I would like to say, ‘forget about the package’, ‘the deal’. We cannot make a deal of our life. If we can just let go and work and learn, there is no way that the benefits will not grow. But to restrain ourself in a ‘package’, to put a ‘ price tag’ on ourself is the greatest damage we can cause to ourselves. We can sell our ‘services’ but not ‘ourselves’. And when we become a part of a team, we are offering ‘ourselves’ and we have to believe that what we deserve will come to us. In its own way and time. But that requires ‘faith’. And its easier to buy ‘gadgets’, ‘accessories’ than to have ‘faith’.

Yes, it is difficult now to be a part of GC. Over the years, we have become very selective. We want the best. The very best. We want different people. Men and Women with a purpose, with a mission, with a commitment for their lives. We do not want the crowds. All we need is a small team with each member like a laser beam in terms of knowledge and performance. Each one with more than 100 percent output. Each one willing to be forged through fire.
Maybe we will have only one member. Does not matter. Even one can scale the mountains for us. We still want the best.

The hardware in the office needs attention. So do a lot of other things. As always. Nothing new here. The review committee of AAI has still not been finalized, as far as we know. But then we are not liasioning agents and we do not always have the ‘inside information’. A few of our clients are waiting and we do not know what to tell them or what next steps to take. A lot of darkness here.

Omprakash (the admin guy) has been asked to leave. He fell so much in love with
the power of the chair’ that he forgot to plant his feet firmly on the ground. Just wanted the ‘Bossgiri’ without the hardwork to support it. A common problem everywhere. We did not want the virus to spread. ‘Power’ is a very powerful drug. The most lethal one too. ‘Cocaine’ would be nothing before the ‘addiction to power’.

Have no idea how to market the maps on the shop. ‘paise nahin hain’. I mean for aggressive marketing. We have to let ‘time’ take ‘time’. Things will happen at the right time, when they are meant to.

What is the best thing that happened today? That there was enough petrol in the car to switch on the AC. At least for the major part of the route from AAI to the office. That the guard opened the office on time. That there was water in the house. That there is a roof over our heads.

The meeting at AAI was OK. Needed to collect a map and get some clarifications. Varun is scheduled to visit a site in Gurgaon tommorrow to collect some ground control points. The TDS return needs to be filed. And of course all the systems need to be checked, organized and cleaned to remove the unnecessary. To let the necessary remain. In our lives and systems.

Still looking for work. No, not looking. ” Waiting” would be the right word. We are waiting. For a miracle. The in-house journal of CREDAI where our article has been published will be circulated soon and there could/should be some response. Hope. Our best weapon. Our best bet. Against the uncertainty and insecurities of the world around us.
I tried raising the volume of the FM radio in the car today with the glass panes rolled up. To quite a deafening level. Just to drown the noise inside. Kuch to relief mile. Maybe that is why a lot of us raise the volume to such a high level. We cannot bear the sounds of the turmoil inside.

Theek hai yaar. Zyaada drama nahin chahiye. Just face life as it comes. Drop the ‘shoulds’, the ‘coulds’, the ‘could be’s’. Jo hai woh hai. It is what it is and it is not what it is not.

‘Time nahin hai’ (There is no time). ‘ kaam bhi nahin hai’ (There is no work either). Kuch to chakkar hai. I mean we are working on two in-house projects, the online shop and the software development. But they are not paid projects and so in that sense we are un-employed and yet it could be said that we are ‘ gainfully employed’. Depends on how the situation is looked at. The good news is that the interface of the online shop has been launched on the new domain name which is www.prithvipraroop.net. There are still many small changes to be made and hurdles to be crossed but at least we are in the right direction (The right direction would be towards Nigambodh Ghat but then let us say that we are taking a detour for a while before heading that way). Ankit, Rajesh and Bhagat have been able to finalize a few maps for the launch and they have turned out alright. They are to scale with the lat-long in place. That is what matters in the end. In ‘maps’ and in ‘life’. The lat-long. Where we are and in what direction are we headed.

Appu has turned 18 on June 22 and it has been a milestone. She has survived eighteen years on this earth with a crazy mother. She has also survived school and the current education system. Hopefully, college will not be so claustrophobic or rigid. Appu is going through her own changes. I am desperately looking for ‘alone time’. Just need to be peaceful and quiet. I think I am done with the corporate world and with running the house.
Memories, broken promises,dreams,thoughts,hopes all crashing into each other in my mind. I should be feeling grateful. ‘Dal,roti,chhat’ hai. Of course, the ‘chhat’ is ‘rented’ but nevertheless, we are not on the roads. But it is just not enough to fill the emptiness inside. The inside is a vast infinite hole and material things can never fill it.

The team has been to a studio today to record a jingle for the online shop for airing on FM. There was a lot of speculation on whether they needed to add a ‘yo’ at the end. Ankit and Ashok were very wary of adding it as it took away from the seriousness of the ‘advertising’. However, they have been persuaded by the rest of the team to go along with the flow of the current generation and hence they have given their voices to the ‘yo’ at the end of the jingle. We have not borrowed any voice for the jingle and all our team members inculding Dimpi, Narendra, Ankit,Ashok, Bhagat,Kamakhya have used their own voices. The airing of the jingle is supposed to coincide with the launching of the shop. The team spirit is high and that is what is most important. ‘Feeling successful’ always precedes ‘becoming successful’.

‘Amma’ is back in the house (Not again!). So there is apparent manageability as far as the daily running of the house is concerned. I am hoping that it is not short-lived. We will need to put up false roofs in the office to prevent water from seeping in through the windows. The monsoons are round the corner and we cannot take a chance. The landlord has refused to invest (What’s new?). So the office will be open tommorrow and Rahim will supervise the work. Rahim, the HR guy is also wearing the hat of ‘Admin’ as of now. Nothing new here. In our team, everyone wears multiple hats. That is how we are able to survive with such a small core team.

A lot is happening on the outside. Narendra is designing the newsletter. Ankit is working on the X-cart being used in the online shop. Bhagat is learning Illustrator to be able to cartograph the maps. Ashok is working on the software and Kamakhya is building the database from AIP.

Have no idea about the ‘inside’.
And the ‘inside’ is always so much more important than the ‘outside’.
But where is the time to figure that out?

The bills, the salaries, the rents (of the office and the house), yet again. Money,knowledge,relationships,life- all are so unrelated to each other and yet there is this powerful illusion that one leads to the other. We are so used to living in illusions, in dreams of our own creation. Chal raha hai. Chalta to rahega hi. I mean events and life keep flowing. Like it or not.

A punching machine has been installed in the office. Now the attendance will be monitored automatically. Two fire extinguishers have also been installed in the office. One near the server room and one near the pantry. How much ‘fire’ can we create! Dimpi is not well and is on antibiotics. Narendra has taken up the daunting task of explaining the principles of photogrammetry to us. And we are still thinking of a name for the software being developed. There is passion and there is hope that one day there will be ‘time’ and ‘money’. A difficult combination. Because mostly we can have only one of them at a given point. Either we have time, in which case there is no money and if we have money, then time is a scarce commodity. Therefore, to have both would be truly luxurious.

We think that over the years people will change, things will change and thinking will also change. No one changes. We remain who we are, at the core. The outside appearances may change, the acessories may change, the possessions may change, the masks we carry can be modified but our essence, who we truly are stays the same. No amount of outside success or money or adulation can change the inside, the inner core.

There is a training course being offered by ICAO in July. The only hurdle is that one needs a recommendation from DGCA to attend and to get a nomination from a government body is next to impossible, specially if one is from the private sector. So I am just keeping my fingers crossed. I have already sent a request to DGCA but there is no precedence of any person from a private sector being recommended. So fingers crossed. There are no training courses being offered by AAI or DGCA and there are huge gaps in our understanding which need to be bridged to handle the aviation projects with precision. Let us see (that is all we can do).

Today is Sunday and the phone is not ringing. There is a semblance of sanity and silence in the house.

The team worked the night on thursday. The targets were still met partially. However, they made the effort and that is commendable. This time round the mattresses were rented out from a tent house for the night and I did not have to make the effort to carry them to the office. The weekend is here and a lot of repair work is being carried out in the office. Hence, there is a plumber, carpenter and electrician working together to finish the maintenance jobs by Monday morning, before the office re-opens for the grind.

There is always a lurking fear in the mind that there will not be enough. That the multitude of problems we have faced in the past will return. No work, no money and a host of bills and instalments. I am also not being able to establish a conscious contact with the ‘ Higher Power’. Everytime I try to pray, my thoughts are punctuated with other issues. I guess that is why there is this feeling of being ‘drained of energy’.

The ‘insides’ need to be at peace. But how? If the insides are in chaos, it will definitely reflect on the outside and vice versa. So the trick is to focus on the inside. But therein lies the catch. The outside is always noisy and screaming for attention. And the source of the ‘unmanageability’ , the ‘insides’ ,always remains unattended. And then we wonder why peace always eludes us. The ‘me time’ for me has now been reduced to the time I am driving from the house to the office. There is a stretch of road in between where the traffic is less, there is a bit of greenery on both sides and I can get a glimpse of the sky. And sometimes, I invite God to be my co-passenger. I am not able to trust him so much but maybe he can.

Ok. Back to the basics. The rations need to be bought for the office and the house (Not again!). I mean much how can we eat in a lifetime. We should eat to live and not vice versa. And the issue of missing ( not missing actually, as most of them were taken to the office) utensils is still unresolved. So I am garnering up enough energy to go to the market to pick up some desperately needed bare essentials for the house and the office (the needs of the office are never ending).

We need a project fast. Our expenses have escalated and there is absolutely no way of curtailing them. Powerlessness in this area. Hand over to the universe to meet our needs. We did not die till now. So there is hope. What exactly am I trying to say. Nothing. There is nothing to say. Everything,every event is mostly an experience. The team is getting used to my eccentricities. They allow space for my madness. I am very grateful to them for that. Even Appu gives me permission to be mad sometimes. I guess I do not give any of them a chance to make any other choice. Appu is waiting for her results to be out. And then the run for admissions to college will begin. Till then, there is a breather. Her driving is much better now and I think that she should be able to drive on her own very soon.

I have been thinking of starting a rehabilitation center for women addicts. But thoughts are thoughts. Sometimes they take very long to materialize. I am hoping to just do the homework required and then take it from there. Maybe ‘service’ can fill some of the ‘empty spaces’ inside.

My mind is not working today. Too many thoughts crashing into each other. Traffic jam so to say. I was told once that I would not be able to survive as a single woman and definitely not in the world of business. And the footnote was ‘ unless I agreed to be the mistress of somebody (obviously a man)’. I am very grateful to my higher power that I have been able to prove this prophecy to be untrue. Of course there has been a huge emotional cost, huge chunks of time with loneliness, long periods when I have been unavailable for my daughter, and a gradual erosion of interest in any thing other than work.

Appu wants me to be happy. Now that is a tougher task than making money or even being just alive. Happiness is an inside job and inside jobe are kind of complex in a simple way (now I am making it sound complicated). I mean one can fake happiness but to be truly happy,joyous would be difficult. To give up the masks,to clean the clutter, to live simply would take a lot of courage. Its easier to hide behind work,accolades,material things,routine,something,anything to appear busy. Multiple lives,multiple masks,multiple tasks and all for a single life. Very unbalanced I must say.

Kundan celebrates his 6th recovery birthday this saturday and he wishes to receive the token and card from me. That is a huge honor. I mean I am not used to getting so much respect. Never got it from my family you see. I told him that it would be a problem but he is adamant about it. OK. So I will go and experience what it is to feel ‘respect’.

The ‘sever’ in the office needs to work like a ‘server’ so that the backup of the data can be maintained. There is a need for a new machine ( wonder it it is a ‘need’ or a ‘want’). I guess all is well or is appearing to be well, for now. The quiet before the storm or the part of the iceberg that is below the water and hence is not visible.