this one is a good verse because of the lines "Belive in me, I'll prove it" I really liked them, and it made it seem like you were trying to convince someone, especially the "I know" part. this helps lend itself to the progession of the verses.

I think I can flyaway from this placeI am not illbut I am not certain

this does the same as the last verse in progressing the whole story

I thought I could flythey give me this pillI am not wellwill I ever get better

this is the surprise twist in the ending. I really liked it, and dint see it comeing the first time around. Only thing i didnt like was the last to lines. they seem a bit awkward, and maybe they could be reworded, but thats not rally up to me.

overall, i like the piece a lot. maybe just use some different words on those last few lines, and then it would be great.

I can flyabove the skyacross the sea's *seas (plural,no apostrophe)oh yes i can flysimple declarations.light, airy.it has a bit of charm.not much really said, but it sets a mood.

I know I can flydoesn't matter how highbelieve in meI'll prove itthe last line sux.too abrubt.wrong sounds.it just doesn't fit.

I think I can flyaway from this placeI am not illbut I am not certainthis is a bit to purposeful.you're using this to move away from certaintyfine.but you need to do more to maintain interest along the way.rhyme, rhythm, sonics.you had them, but they've faded by this point.

I thought I could flythey give me this pillI am not wellwill I ever get betteri don't feel it.you didn't do enough, previously, to keep me interestedthis is all about you, but i don't feel what you feel.you didn't show enough for me to become emotionally attached.

Just wanted to keep this poem light and airy. Didn't really work that hard on it.

well if you do decide to work on it, focus on the rhythm and rhyme. that can keep it light. those things make a piece comfortable to read or hear.

I can flythis is like two iambs, with the first unstressed syllable omitted. goodabove the skytwo iambs. good. and the rhyme with the first line is good.pattern established.across the seastwo more iambs, but no rhyme.not a problem.oh yes i can flyyou open with a triplet.two unstressed syllables, then a stressed syllablethis does not clash with the iambs.it does make it a bit differentif you want, you can delete one of the first two wordsneither of them are crucialalso, you set a rhyme pattern of AABAit will be nice if you can continue that.or whatever pattern you decide to adopt.

I know I can flyback to two iambs. doesn't matter that the second is a triplet. good.doesn't matter how highthis could be looked at as a triplet or an iamb in the beginningdepends on your point of viewin any case, basically two iambs you rhyme with the first.this is much the same as the first stanzagood.believe in metwo iambs, no rhyme.same as the third line of the first stanzagood.I'll prove ityou can see now, why i said this line sux.the rhythm breaks the patternthe rhyme breaks the pattern.you've derailed.

later the rhythm becomes a bit more complexnot a problem, in itselfbut you need to at least maintain the original pattern of ending lines on a down-beat.and you don't.

and from this point on, rhyme goes out the window.that's the biggest disappointment, for me.