Grading Potential Hangover Activities

This is why God created hangovers. Your shields are down. You’re vulnerable. If you didn’t make enough bad decisions last night then this is the time to play catchup. Last night, you brought home a girl and either came in 60 seconds or the whiskey dick was too much to overcome. Here’s your chance to make things right. After the quickie, focus on yourself instead of giving back to the community. A few drugs and beers in the system should set your ship sailing straight.

Grade: A+

Attending Sporting Events

Nothing pulls you out of the depths of a hangover better than a good, old-fashioned sporting event. Football? Golf? Baseball? Hockey? Drinking is allowed, nay, encouraged at all of these sporting events. It’s the hair of the dog. To cure a whiskey and tequila fueled hangover, apply light beers directly into the mouth. Roughly 20 beers throughout the course of the day is recommended by 9 out of 10 doctors.

Grade: A-

Watching Netflix

Finally, some time to catch up on your soaps. Whether it’s “Netflix and chill” or “Netflix and hanging out alone with your hand down your pants,” you can’t go wrong with binge watching the pain away. Go with a comedy or TV series about food. Simple, no strenuous cognitive activity needed.

Grade: B+

Outdoor Activities

Not to be confused with attending sporting events, outdoor activities are great alternatives. A boozy nature walk or a day by the pool getting a relaxing type of drunk is one of the best ways to soothe that hangover. Let the cool breeze wipe away your pounding headache.

Grade: B-

Not Drinking, Being A Lazy Pile Of Shit

Okay, this isn’t the worst possible choice. There are some days when the sight of alcohol can kill you and the body needs a full day of rest and recovery. Let’s not make this a trend, but everyone gets one. Cleanse the body, sir.

Grade: C+

Family Activities

Unless your drunken uncle is in attendance, you’re gonna have a bad time. No, mother, I’m not getting married anytime soon. I’m sorry, dad, but I’ll need more money for the formal coming up. I’m not NOT gonna get the presidential suite. Hopefully your physical attendance is enough to keep the parents at bay and their wallets open. A free dinner is a free dinner.

Grade: C-

Going To Class

Oh yeah, I’d love to learn about supply and demand — just right after a purge my demons into the nearest campus bathroom. I hope you’re not expecting me to remember any of this class for the test because I’m seeing double and I never went to syllabus day so I’m unaware of when the test is actually taking place. I’ll stay at home and take my C- in peace, please.

Grade: D+

Dying

It’s the easiest and quickest way out. It’s not recommended, but neither is the recoil of a 5-day long drunken spring break. You really travel to a dark place 24 hours after 24 Fireball shots.

Grade: D-

Playing Intramural Sports

Drunken flag football? Hilarious. Hungover flag football? Good lord, punch me in the fucking face. Please. Put me out of my misery. Deport me to Guantanamo. I’d rather ass-chug a handle of store brand vodka than be put through that torture.

I go with popping a Xanax (prescribed), grabbing some non-alcoholic beverages and playing a round of golf. Clears the head and typically my hangover is close to breaking by the time I’m done so I can focus on the massive pile of shit I told myself I’d do over the weekend but never did.