Just for fun

Manchester United’s ruling Glazer family is holding secret talks with Seppe Blatter as a precursor to the FIFA President joining the Board this summer, Rant has learned. In a controversial move, it is believed that the talks are at an advanced stage, with a formal announcement possible after the FIFA presidential elections conclude this year. Rant understands that talks were brokered by new FIFA vice president and fomer United managing director David Gill.

Brazilian Anderson has been struck down with a secret long-term illness according to sources close to United Rant, provoking new questions over the midfielder’s future at Old Trafford. Suffering another disappointing campaign, Anderson has been earmarked for a summer exit from Manchester United according to newspaper speculation in recent weeks, with Sir Alex Ferguson planning to freshen up his squad next season.

This summer, before the real thing finally gets underway on 18 August and Manchester United return to Premier League action, Old Trafford will play host to nine men’s and women’s Olympic football matches during the group and knockout stages, with GB, Spain, Brazil and Uruguay men’s teams due to play in Manchester.

The tournament kicks off on 26 July, with the final game at Old Trafford due to take place on 7 August. But the real action kicked off last week, when United legend Bobby Charlton ran the Olympic torch past the ‘Theatre of Dreams’.

While few take the under-23 plus three over-aged players Olympic football tournament seriously, there could be some top names on show at Old Trafford. Indeed, United’s Tom Cleverley and Ryan Giggs should play for Stuart Pearce’s GB team, while David de Gea will captain Spain during the tournament, and Rafael da Silva is with the Brazilians. Rafael’s team-mates Neymar and Lucas Moura, who are the subject of much transfer speculation this summer, will also travel for the games.

So while the tournament may not be well-regarded, the entertainment could prove surprising. That’s if those lucky enough to have secured a ticket for any of the matches, actually make it into the ground. After all, the organising committee, in its infinite wisdom, has drawn up a very long list of items banned from ‘London 2012 venues’. Edited here for brevity, but for not context:

Musical instruments: trumpets, drums, and other devices capable of causing a disturbance

Noisemakers such as hunting horns, air horns, klaxons, drums, vuvuzelas, football rattles, clappers and whistles

Signs or items with corporate or inappropriate branding, sponsorship, promotional or marketing material

Professional-style cameras or recording/transmitting devices

Prams / push chairs

Unauthorised charity collection utensils

Large or non collapsible umbrellas

hampers and cold boxes

In addition, notes the organising committee’s helpful email to ticket holders, there are restrictions on the use of some items inside venues, including:

Oversized hats

Excessive amounts of food

Flags of countries not participating in the games

But fans will be delighted to know that they CAN bring the following items. Rant suggests liberal use of breast milk in particular:

10 containers of up to 100ml capacity each, giving a combined maximum capacity of one litre

200ml of sun cream

Essential medications must not exceed a combined total of one litre

An empty plastic water bottle

Soya milk for babies

Sterilised water for the baby

Formula, breast milk or cow milk specifically for babies

Baby food of various consistencies

Much of which will disappoint regular Rant readers given our penchant for bringing unusual items to games, including, but not limited to: intercontinental thermonuclear ballistic missiles; the flag of Vatican City; an umbrella to keep out of the Manchester rain, 201ml of sun cream, you know, just in-f*cking-case; an atmosphere; a large sign bearing the moniker “John Terry is a c*nt”; a MasterCard; a half-full bottle of Evian to keep the vocal chords nimble; an Anderson-sized McDonald’s order; sherbert dip.

We can, and will, however try to sneak in the items not proscribed by the IOC, such as condoms, a dildo, anal beads, and a gimp mask.

Mind you, Rant will of course be wearing its lucky match-day pants during the games:

This summer, before the real thing finally gets underway on 18 August and Manchester United return to Premier League action, Old Trafford will play host to nine men’s and women’s Olympic football matches during the group and knockout stages, with GB, Spain, Brazil and Uruguay men’s teams due to play in Manchester.

The tournament kicks off on 26 July, with the final game at Old Trafford due to take place on 7 August. But the real action kicked off last week, when United legend Bobby Charlton ran the Olympic torch past the ‘Theatre of Dreams’.

While few take the under-23 plus three over-aged players Olympic football tournament seriously, there could be some top names on show at Old Trafford. Indeed, United’s Tom Cleverley and Ryan Giggs should play for Stuart Pearce’s GB team, while David de Gea will captain Spain during the tournament, and Rafael da Silva is with the Brazilians. Rafael’s team-mates Neymar and Lucas Moura, who are the subject of much transfer speculation this summer, will also travel for the games.

So while the tournament may not be well-regarded, the entertainment could prove surprising. That’s if those lucky enough to have secured a ticket for any of the matches, actually make it into the ground. After all, the organising committee, in its infinite wisdom, has drawn up a very long list of items banned from ‘London 2012 venues’. Edited here for brevity, but for not context:

Musical instruments: trumpets, drums, and other devices capable of causing a disturbance

Noisemakers such as hunting horns, air horns, klaxons, drums, vuvuzelas, football rattles, clappers and whistles

Signs or items with corporate or inappropriate branding, sponsorship, promotional or marketing material

Professional-style cameras or recording/transmitting devices

Prams / push chairs

Unauthorised charity collection utensils

Large or non collapsible umbrellas

hampers and cold boxes

In addition, notes the organising committee’s helpful email to ticket holders, there are restrictions on the use of some items inside venues, including:

Oversized hats

Excessive amounts of food

Flags of countries not participating in the games

But fans will be delighted to know that they CAN bring the following items. Rant suggests liberal use of breast milk in particular:

10 containers of up to 100ml capacity each, giving a combined maximum capacity of one litre

200ml of sun cream

Essential medications must not exceed a combined total of one litre

An empty plastic water bottle

Soya milk for babies

Sterilised water for the baby

Formula, breast milk or cow milk specifically for babies

Baby food of various consistencies

Much of which will disappoint regular Rant readers given our penchant for bringing unusual items to games, including, but not limited to: intercontinental thermonuclear ballistic missiles; the flag of Vatican City; an umbrella to keep out of the Manchester rain, 201ml of sun cream, you know, just in-f*cking-case; an atmosphere; a large sign bearing the moniker “John Terry is a c*nt”; a MasterCard; a half-full bottle of Evian to keep the vocal chords nimble; an Anderson-sized McDonald’s order; sherbert dip.

We can, and will, however try to sneak in the items not proscribed by the IOC, such as condoms, a dildo, anal beads, and a gimp mask.

Mind you, Rant will of course be wearing its lucky match-day pants during the games:

Manchester United owners the Glazer family has struck a secret multi-million pound deal with PepsiCo to rename Old Trafford. The deal, which will come into effect from the start of the 2012-13 season, will bring more than £400 million into the club coffers over the next 10 years, a source close to the deal exclusively revealed to United Rant this week.

Big-boned Manchester United midfielder Anderson Luís de Abreu Oliveira is set to miss at least five weeks of the Premier League run-in with a torn hamstring, confirmed manager Sir Alex Ferguson on Wednesday. The fresh injury, which adds to a growing list of malevolence suffered by the midfielder in his time at Old Trafford, comes barely days after the Brazilian returned to Manchester United’s squad for matches against Athletic Bilbao and West Bromwich Albion.

“Ando could be out for four or five weeks due to his hamstring,” said Ferguson ahead of United’s Europa League second leg tie with Athletic.

“Some hamstrings are relatively straightforward but we have to wait and see how he is in the next week or so to get a better idea of where we stand with him.”

Anderson’s injury is the latest in a calamitous series of absences over the past four and a half years following a €30 million transfer from Porto. The midfielder has subsequently appeared in barely 30 per cent of United’s games during his time with the club. Critics of a far crueller persuasion than United Rant might be thankful given the 23-year-old’s inconsistencies.

But could frequent injuries be something to do with Brazilian’s hard-living lifestyle? After all, during previous absences the 23-year-old has been caught partying on the Algarve, been involved in a high-speed car crash, and seemingly piled on far too much weight. Little needs said about Anderson’s less salubrious habits.

It has Rant wondering whether the burger eating Brazilian might face a tough choice or four during his latest period of recuperation …

Rant might ordinarily throw its hat into the ring for the big job after Fabio Capello’s jump-before-you’re-pushed resignation today. After all, here at Rant towers we’ve lost count of the medals won, the glory soaked up, the years on the managerial treadmill – there really is no better grounding for the real thing than Football Manager. But, alas we cannot this time.

You see, there is only one man who can look at this particular poisoned chalice, and squarely face it down. Only one man for whom controversy could never rear its ugly head. Even if he tried. Really hard. One man whom the Football Association could guarantee to tow the party line. No matter how absurd the line may me.

Is he English? Check! Does he have significant European and international experience at the very top? Check! Does he wear riddiculously tight shorts? Check! Even in winter? Check!

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you, the next England manager. Old tight shorts himself, the one, the only, Michael Christopher “Mike” Phelan…

“His agent has been working hard to get him another club,” Sir Alex Ferguson said of teenage prodigy Ravel Morrison on Friday. “We’ve offered him terms which he has refused, so that is where it is. His demands are unrealistic as far as we are concerned. We’ve rejected an offer from Newcastle and it is now down to how that progresses.”

Rant wonders what could motivate an 18-year-old to turn down the opportunity to play for his local club…

Kieron Dyer’s imminent transfer to Queens Park Rangers suggests a question: has there ever been a player who has taken so much out of football but given so little back? Dyer, reportedly earning £83,000 per week at West Ham United, has played just 30 games in four years at Upton Park. He cost the Londoners an extra £500,000 per year in ‘image rights’ on top of a £6 million transfer fee.

In this spirit Rant has put together Wasters FC. An outfit not of the worst players in the history of football but those who took so much, with so little in return.

Stuart Taylor, Goalkeeper: Taylor, the standard-bearer for reserve goalkeeping – has played just 69 league games since turning pro in 1997.

Marco Boogers, right-back: so depressed after being sent off for West Ham against Manchester United that Boogers disappeared for two days leading to the now infamous Sun headline: “Barmy Boogers Living In A Caravan”.

Jonathan Woodgate, centre-back: perennially injured, cumulative transfer fees of £30 million, wages in excess of £80,000, and just 120 games in the past eight years.

Winston Bogaarde, centre-back: sat out a four-year, £40,000 per week, contract at Chelsea, playing just nine games in the process.

Asier del Horno, left-back: £7 million transfer fee brought him to Chelsea, 25 failed games later and the Spaniard was sent home. Last seen at lowly Levante.

Andy van der Meyde, right-wing: sent off on début and that was about as good as it got for the Dutchman, who played just 20 games in four years for Everton.

Tomas Brolin, centre midfield: retired aged just 29 having last played for Hudiksvalls but it is the three horrendous years at Leeds United that the podgy Swede is best ‘remembered’ for in England.

Kieron Dyer, centre midfield (c): see above!

Paolo Future, left-wing: played 60 games for seven clubs after leaving Atletico Madrid in 1993, including a disastrous spell at West Ham in 1997. Nine games, no goals and few fans.

Freddy Adu, striker: better than George Best, quicker than Pélé, more skillfull than Diego Maradona… older than Nelson Mandela … and last seen playing for Çaykur Rizespor in the Turkish second division. Still made millions from Nike sponsorship.

Denílson de Oliveira Araújo, striker: once the world’s most expensive player. Last three clubs: AO Kavala, Xi Măng Hải Phòng, Itumbiara. No Rant hadn’t heard of them either.

Carlos Tevez has, for the second time in six months, demanded a move away from Manchester City. In December the pint-sized striker blamed the poor relationship with club management; yesterday the 27-year-old has begged to be closer to his family. Cynics might claim the lure of another signing on fee is strong in the scar-faced one. Rant couldn’t possibly comment.