Monday, January 5, 2015

A Lick-Your-Plate Fight from UCW

I feel Quinn Harper's pain. For years he's busted his ass to get to the top--both on the mat and behind the scenes. He has delivered the most listenable pitches and ballsiest fights the company has seen. And it's thanks to Quinn, remember, that Joker is not still the do-nothing champ he was. Only Eli Black is comparable to the guy, and by rights Quinn should have been the man to strip that wise guy of the belt--both belts, the official UCW belt and the cardboard joke that Eli glued together to soothe his overextended ego.

Instead, by a fluke (and a big, glaring hole in UCW's--ha, ha--rulebook) the championship fell into the hands of a rookie still wet behind the ears. So Bodyslam simply steps in and proclaims himself the champion. He's the founder of UCW and controlling owner, so, as he sees it, he can be its champion too if he wants to. The only problem is that Bodyslam is under doctor's orders not to wrestle, so while for over a year we had a UCW champion tomcatting around Milwaukee without making a single showing in Philly to defend his title, for the last six months we've had a champion who is available but cannot wrestle.

But here's the insulting part. Bodyslam has the right (he says so) to name a proxy to defend the title for him. And which wrestler does he pick? He picks Bradley D. Bradley who? This big guy has not wrestled at UCW, not once. His only previous appearance at the company was as a ref, about whom the best that can be said is that he was "fair." Since when is "fair" an issue at UCW? Certainly not in who gets to be champ. Then, as if to underscore the absurdity of the situation, this Bradley D starts the title match by blindsiding Quinn--no doubt with Bodyslam's blessings too.

Okay. Attacking a man from behind, choking him while commanding him to breathe, and then twisting the guy's nipples till they're blue, Bradley is basically just taking a page right out of Quinn's own playbook. Even Quinn would have to approve, if it weren't for the fact that Quinn is on the ouch end of these assaults now. Even ref Danny Sticks (looking mega-hot in his Buddy Holly glasses, by the way--too bad he can't wear them in a match--and coincidentally Quinn's tag team partner) doesn't lift a finger to stop Bradley's gleeful abuse of Quinn. It's up to Quinn to put up or shut up.

That happens, the putting up, not the shutting up. Two minutes after the bell sounds, Quinn lands his tight little fist into Bradley's gut, an inviting and ultimately irresistible target. But that lasts mere seconds. Bradley knows how to use his size advantage, roughly equivalent to Bodyslam's size advantage, and, as we all know, size isn't everything in a fight, but it is a good 90 percent of it. The title defender has taken a punch to the midsection before, no doubt, and probably from bigger dudes than Quinn.

But probably not meaner. I can't do the math, but while size is 90 percent of a fight, the balls are another 90 percent. Quinn can't do a thing about the size differential, but a half second before he's legally pinned, he does something about Bradley's balls, namely flattens them. But, damn, the jab to the nuts only infuriates the big guy, and Bradley proceeds to wrenching Quinn's goddamn arms off and scraping off what's left of his sore nipples.

Bradley is not out just to protect Bodyslam's title. He's out to maim Quinn Harper and wipe him out of wrestling altogether! Bradley is such a commanding force on the mats that it's hard to believe he's a rookie. About a third of the way through this 31-minute monster, I begin to suspect Bodyslam has brought in a hired killer. Coldblooded, sadistic, seemingly impervious to pain, Bradley may be Bodyslam's "final solution" to the nagging question of the Mighty Quinn.

Now I'm feeling Quinn's pain for real. Can anything stop Bradley D? Does the "D" stand for "Doom"? Will Danny step in and defend his partner? Is Danny even awake? Will Quinn pull out a secret weapon that saves the day for him--or at any rate saves his ass? Will Harper turn this around? Is it even possible? And if Bradley wins, is he the champ, or is Bodyslam? I don't dare give away the last ten minutes of this rout. But let me say this much: UCW reaches a new peak with Bradley versus Quinn [#387]. This is one true fans cannot miss. This is the one to see if you thought UCW had already gone as far as it could go. Visceral and stiff and hugely entertaining, this is The One.