by Oluseun Onigbinde

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29

“Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.” Luke 22:42

Earlier on in life, I quietly noticed that my younger brother Seye was growing taller than me. Why will he be taller? Am I eating less? Will he feel like a boss to me now? When we serve food, I made sure the rations had clear difference, just to emphasize that I am almost two years older. I was worried he was growing too fast. He finally grew taller than me, I stopped to worry.

I take a deep pause into the length of life and count my worries. Then, I will trash them and list my blessings. Will I get a job after school? Can I sleep after seeing a dead body? Later, I had to hug my Dad’s cold body after life left him.

Am I that smart despite not being promoted three years in First Bank? Will a lady ever love me when all my advances to the posh girls of FUNAAB were rejected? Why am I this black, like the ‘unrepentant’ soot of village pot? Why is our surname not “Smith” or “Akande”? Why is it “Onigbinde” loosely interpreted as “arrival of a snail seller”? Why do I write with the left hand? I just hate being taunted as “leftie” with low manners. Later in life, to see Barack, Fashola and Clinton write with left, I exchanged my worries.

Will this startup thing ever make sense? Are we not hiring too fast? Will this startup be fine? Was our last client happy? When will I get married and have a family? Does she love me or is it the glitter that she adores? Am I workaholic or just hardworking? What if I am offered a political appointment, will I take it? What if someone disrupts this idea, what will I do? What if the military takes over and the budget is a state secret? What if donors are shut out of Nigeria?

Worries exchange themselves quietly and as we age on, a little more is added silently and more disappear on the vertical. In essence, the tick of life is between the list of worries and guts for the glory ahead. As people of faith, we are meant to silence them and take the bold move.

As a person still in search of epiphanies in a stretch of radical revelation, I have come to race ahead of self-doubt and put faith on my breastplate. I just want take a new checklist of my worries and ask why am I not taking action in the direction of faith? Quietly with clarity, I can giggle and watch my these worries crumble.

I accept new ones and find the inner will and divine stretch to press on for a new mark. I count my blessings in the last one year and I give God all the glory. It’s being a marvelous increment and I have few mind-blowing goals to smash before 30.

A special shout out to my family, it is still a sober time after our patriarch left this world in May. I have learnt new lessons. Most importantly, being a better listener, trying hard to feel the gaps of loneliness, of memory and uncorked expression of my grieving Mum. I will keep being a better person to everyone most especially to my family. I owe that to God, myself and you.

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2 thoughts on “29”

The black seller of snails that writes with the left hand, don’t worry, you will be fine. Take it one step, one day, one project at a time. Happy birthday. May the day bring you so many reasons to rejoice. Oya, where are my birthday snails? It is such a beautiful letter to self. It may not make sense now but soon, you will stand and see the beautiful pictures that all these puzzles will make 🙂