Now then I noticed that the tender spirit of conciliation and the sweet scented zephyr of bonhomie had gently entered this turbulent Mansion Of Malevolence last night and had brushed the fevered brows of both Erskin, arguably our most accomplished writer (after myself of course! I mean let's not go too far overboard with the bloody superlatives here people, the geezer's never won a bloody compo in his life let alone pissed all over the other punters in an almost embarrassing display of superiority and greatness FFS!) and that of everyone's favourite trilby wearer (apart from....etc) and arguably a Homo Sapien, Skoob, causing them to rush into each others arms blubbing and fawning like big old girlies watched in tear stained rapture by both Acronomist and Spoofeteer alike.

In deference to this heartwarming albeit extremely gay little episode I therefore intend to start this small, understated little thread so that forum members can bore us into a coma by posting a link to a rather nice piece of moosik wot they like.

First up my friends a few gentle ground rules before the melodic off if I may.

Could I humbly request that you restrict yourselves to just one or at most, two, pieces as nobody wants to be force fed your risible and quite probably disgusting taste in what you consider be bangin' choons until our ears turn to fois gras and we vomit, fold like girls and lose two consecutive night's sleep on the strength of it. No offence. I'm just sayin'.

Could I also ask you to please write the title and artist that has captured your laughable and tawdry musical imagination as I dont fancy clicking on "blind" links and finding myself listening to Pinxit's "Minogue And Donovan. The Golden Years" for hours on bastard end

Lastly. There is no third thing. DO YOU UNDERSTAND YOU SNIVELLING, FETID SCUM!? NO THIRD THING!!!!

Blimey I do believe I slathered just then folks. I do apologise

Righto then chaps and chaperettas. I'll start shall I? But before I do I'd like you all to gather round the harpsichord in Inchy's front parlour and sing with real gusto and feeling ....The Thread Song!

All together now!

Musick has Charms to sooth a slathering Breast,To soften Rocks, or bend a knotted Oak.I've read, that things inanimate have mov'd,And, as with living Souls, have been inform'd,By Magick Numbers and persuasive Sound.What then am I? Am I more senseless grown

Wonderful guys! You've just made your little Cliveypops a very happy gangster *sniff*

How dare you wake me up with my own erection! Oh, its you Clive, I thought it was the vicar. Yes, I agree with what you say and I am unanimous in that. By the way, I have written the first part of the Roukes Drift saga, I posted it last night in the magazine section. Hope you like it as much as the sniverling little paperboy you threw a piss bucket at this morning.

So you really did write a Rorkes Drift spoof you little beauty? hahaha I shall seek it out and devour it fithwith old chap

As for the touching piece of fan mail I received this morning from my secret admirer and rather odd sort of cove Chris "Meltdown" McManus I tend not to let that kind of swivel-eyed old toot bother me too much mate and I speak as one who has been stabbed (twice), beaten bloody both inside and outside of the ring, "squirted up" with dilute amonia by an Arsenal supporting gentleman and on one rather interesting occasion, shot at outside a club in South London. Apart from that she's been a bloody good wife to me!

To be honest mate I read the first line which began "Dear little Clive", a cruel and deeply hurtful allusion no doubt to my rather modest penis size, I mean we cant all be "Big" John Holmes can we mate?, realised immediately he wasn't about to offer me money or a go on his missus and stopped reading before nipping out into the kitchen to make a bacon sammidge

Now then to get back on topic people. My next and final piece for today is Neil Young's savage and slightly wry commentary on social deprivation Keep On Rocking In The Free World.

I like this one because not only is it a bangin' bit of balls out rock and roll but it also features my good friend and erstwhile drinking chum Colonel Juan who can be spotted in the video in his best bib and tucker nipping down the road to get his copy of The Sun.

Erskin - Wonderful! I've just signed up the missus as lead singer to that lot and I'm gonna make her practice diligently during my every waking hour.

JLF - A true genius at work there! Victor Borge was pretty good also

Ellie - What the hell was that girl?? Mick Jagger in a helium balloon factory? I've actually got that one somewhere on an old music cassette. Contractual Obligations was it? Cant remember but it was fun to hear it again. Still prefer Sympathy For The Devil though

Clive - You are correct, it was Contractual Obligations. I could write an entire novella about the torment my youngest cousin Stephen would endure over by his brothers and I singing Python songs in the car and saying we invented them.

Here's another for your listening pleasure (not Python). When I have a bad break-up this song brings me solace: