Dealing with Conflict

After going through the CLA process and completing your Roommate
Agreement, it might be hard to believe that you would ever have a
conflict with your roommate(s) or other members of your community.
Conflict does happen. While your RA and the full-time staff in the
Community Center are here to help you, we want to give you the tools to
successfully deal with your conflicts in order to help you deal with
them when you graduate and move out into the “real world.”

While
confrontation is not typically something most people enjoy, it may be
necessary to address any issues you might be having. For example, if
your roommate does something that makes you angry, and you are still
upset 24 hours later, you should probably consider addressing the issue
with your roommate. The ultimate goal of a confrontation is to solve the
problem to the best of your ability. You will want to address the issue,
your feelings on the issue, and allow the other person to do the same.
It is crucial to maintain respect for each other throughout the
confrontation process.

Guidelines for Confrontation:

Know
your stuff. Outline what you want to talk about so you are able to
properly address the issue(s).

Set the scene. Talk to the other
person in a space that you both find comfortable/neutral.

State your
expectations. Explain that you would like to address the issue in a calm
and respectful manner, and that each person will get a chance to voice
his or her opinion/feelings.

Be honest. Address the issue(s) in this
setting. You do not want to be wishy-washy and avoid discussing the real
issues—you may continue to be unhappy later.

Allow for conversation.
Let the person you are confronting state his or her feelings on the
matter.

Listen. The majority of conflicts arise because of
miscommunication. Take the time to listen to the person you are
confronting—don’t think of what you want to say next while he or she is
speaking. Ask him or her to do the same when you are speaking.

Be
decisive. When action is required, state what you would like to see
happen to remedy the issue.

Get help when needed. If the situation
gets out of hand, do not be afraid to get help from your RA.

Give it
time. Things do not typically get better overnight. You and your
roommate(s) or the person you had the conflict with need time to cool
off, reflect, and take steps to address the problem.

Techniques
to help you successfully confront:

"I" - statements: These statements
let the person know how his or her behavior makes you feel and that you
trust them to respect your needs by modifying their behavior. "I" -
statements make it clear that the responsibility rests with the person
receiving the message. "You" -statements, on the other hand, may be
perceived as threatening and tend to teach people they are not
responsible for their behavior.

Example: "I really need you to turn your music down. The loud
bass makes it difficult for me to study."

Broken record: This technique is just what it sounds like. Repetition of
a simple request can help you get through to the person you are
confronting when he or she tries to throw you off track. Hearing you
restate your request helps him or her understand that you are going to
stand your ground and that tactics to change the subject or engage you
in a debate will not work.

Fogging: This technique allows you to diffuse a difficult situation
by avoiding defensive or attacking responses or engaging in a debate
with the person you are confronting. To neutralize this type of
manipulation, agree or empathize with the person. Using phrases like "I
see how you might think...", "That may be...", and "...I understand how you
feel..." validates the person's feelings. Responding in this manner
usually diffuses the situation because you do not get caught in a cycle
of defending yourself.

Learning how to
talk with your roommate(s) and work through differences is one of the
most important skills a student can learn when first getting to campus.
This process is not always easy, but communication gets easier the more
you practice it.