Gnarly Trombone: 10 last-minute gift ideas for your wife, and some of them are good

Christmas is the only time you could get away with buying a vacuum cleaner as a gift. Reconsider, however, if you have pets that sleep on the floor.

OK men, it's Christmas Eve, so we all know what we should be doing: Christmas shopping.

I know, I know. It's still a little early because the sun hasn't set yet, but you still need to get out there and shop for your wife, partner, sweetheart or whoever the woman is in your life.

Now, because I'm very smart and know how to shop and got all my shopping done a LONG time ago (20 minutes at least) I'm here to give you advice for shopping for a lady.

Here are some things you can get her, and things you should avoid:

1. One of those Robot Vacuum Cleaners. It is the only time in your life you can buy a woman a vacuum cleaner for Christmas and get away with it. Note: If you have a dog or a cat that sleeps on the floor, you might want to reconsider this gift.

2. Walking through the mall this week, I saw two large signs on the front of a Women's Shop. They said in big letters: "WE KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS! And underneath each sign, it said: ALL BRAS, $35!" Now, I'm not speaking for everyone, but I don't think my wife wants a bra for Christmas. Not sure why they're pushing them as Christmas gifts. I haven't seen a sign pushing men's white undies as Christmas gifts.

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3. At one store, they were offering as "Special gifts," a fan on top of a stick that looks like a large purple flower. Again, not sure why a woman would want that.

4. Found some cowboy boots on a display of women's gifts. They were blue and had sparkling stuff all over them. You know the woman you're buying for would probably love them. Or … hate them.

5. Fairy Princesses are popular right now. I saw a rack in a store that had Fairy Princess Dresses for adult women. Unless your lady is actually a real Fairy Princess, I'd avoid this gift.

6. In an area of the Women's Wear, I found one rack labeled "Ugly Sweaters!!" They weren't lying. There were some very ugly sweaters, including one that had a bleeding rhinoceros on it. A Christmas sweater, it said. Don't understand that one. Probably best not to get your lady an ugly sweater.

7. In that same area, don't get her a sweater, shirt, dress, pants, coat or anything else that has a skull on it. Lots of things have skulls these days, and not all women love skull clothing. Also, blue jeans that have worn-out holes in them. These are new, right? And they cost more if there are holes in them? Some things I'll never understand.

8. In a newspaper ad titled, "VERY LAST-MINUTE GIFTS, SANTA APPROVED," we found a deep-fat fryer. I know every woman's dream is to get a deep-fat fryer for Christmas.

9. And don't depend on getting the gift online. First of all, you won't get it in time for tomorrow, but also, I looked up "Gifts For Women" and among other things, they suggested a "Redneck Plunger." Don't know what that is? It's a toilet plunger … on the end of a shotgun. Yeah, every woman wants one.

10. OK, you Grinch. Break down and get that special something. You know what it is, and so does she. It's something the two of you have talked about before. So go get it, and stop bugging me for ideas.

Next week: Ideas about how to return the gift you gave your lady and get her something she wants.

The name Gnarly Trombone was taken from an 1871 Cincinnati newspaper that misread Horace Greeley's handwritten name of the Greeley Tribune. Mike Peters is a retired Tribune staff writer. He may be emailed at mpeters@greeleytribune.com