Some consider that one of the top rules of good parenting is preparedness. But those people are either crazy or selling something, don’t listen to them. You’re going to do a lot better as a parent if you do so from a solid foundation of reality.

When it comes to the reality of your baby’s bodily functions and diapers, it’s best to just accept that you’re now in possession of a bio-weapon that will go off ten to a hundred times a day. Or none at all, on those occasional days of dreadful suspense and waiting, when the diaper is freakishly clean or dry every time you check it. But (pun intended), in the end (also intended), what goes in must come out.

You must be watchful. As long as you are also aware that your watchfulness will often serve no purpose whatsoever.

Like this Instructional Diagram, parents try make some sense of it, making up a mental scale of diaper change threat levels. We keep track of how much juice Johnny drank, or how long it’s been since any fresh butt brownies were cooked up. Some even count farts for goodness sake!

Good luck with all that. Round and round it goes, and when it blows, nobody knows.

It’s totally okay to use this chart to give yourself an artificially inflated sense of preparedness. Sometimes you need a little fantasy to survive reality.

There’s also the “quiet before the storm” indicator. Child is making lots of noise and then suddenly runs into the other room and it becomes so quiet you can hear a pin drop. They either pooped the motherload, or changed your computer’s password and logged out.