Huddersfield Town Ruled Ineligible for Promotion

Huddersfield Town were dealt a cruel blow today, with the FA declaring the West Yorkshire club ineligible for promotion. The Terriers achieved their play-off dream with a thrilling 4 – 3 penalty shootout victory over Reading, but a paperwork error means they will not join Newcastle and Brighton in next season’s Premier League.

Responsibility

“I take full responsibility,” Terriers chairman Dean Hoyle told Soccer on Sunday. “I forgot to fill in the Premier League application form before the deadline. I’m such a wally. It’s been sitting on my coffee table for a fortnight. I half-filled it out last week, but then Cliffhanger came on the TV and I got distracted. It’s a powerful performance from Sylvester Stallone — his best since Tango & Cash. But hands up, that’s no excuse for missing out on a Premier League spot.”

“Credit to the FA, they offered me a four hour extension to get the form down to London,” added Hoyle. “But by the time I’d dropped Janet to her Zumba class and finished the hoovering, it would have been tight. So I decided, best leave it. Demolition Man was on Dave, so that took the edge off the disappointment.”

Wagner

Huddersfield manager David Wagner admits that he is heartbroken to miss out on promotion.

“It’s very disappointing,” the German-American told Soccer on Sunday. “The chairman explained about the application form. In fairness, anybody would be distracted if Cliffhanger came on the TV. It’s an exceptional movie — easily Stallone’s best since Judge Dread. When he says ‘Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times’, before throwing John Lithgow to his death in the wreckage of a helicopter? Goosebumps, every time.”

“The lads were obviously gutted when I broke the news,” added Wagner. “There was a lot of anger. Dean Whitehead punched the mascot, Tilly the Terrier unconscious, and Tommy Smith took a dump on the chairman’s desk. Nobody likes to see a club captain evacuate their anus onto a chairman’s desk. It’s never nice. I think Tommo will be disappointed when he’s had a chance to look back at some of the footage Mark Hudson took on his phone.”

“But credit to the lads, they understood what went wrong,” said Wagner. “At the end of the day, there’s a lot of Cliffhanger fans in that dressing room.”