And remember, whatever lives in the heart control you. It becomes what you strive for and willing to sacrifice anything to have. It therefore, must be something eternal and never breaks. It must, be something that never leaves. Only one thing is like that : The Creator.

Monthly Archives: September 2015

It’s gonna be almost a week since that day. from the past day, I felt cheated, angry, disappointed and sad at myself. And like every other time, I picked myself up, force myself to get up from the bed, take that cold freezing shower, go out, just go out, do something, keep my physical busy, tho my mind is wandering everywhere.

One thing, I appreciates the most, is my friends, they are always there. Through my dark and shine. Like, I can just tell them, I’m going to singapore, and they be so excited and welcoming. but yeah, I cancelled the plan last minute,, because I was crazy enough to do that. Haha! Indeed, even a friend of mine keep contacted me. We chat, catching up and getting new insight about our life.

At that one night, I remembered all my indonesian life, the people, that many people who have touched my life. The good and the bad. There are so many of people in this world. Why am I too stupid to let the same person break my heart, over and over again. Why am I too blind to see that he, doesn’t deserve my heart anymore. That everytime he have it in his hand, all he did is to crushed it. So let go, take back the pieces, head up, and walk proud like a soldier to be out of his own battle. You know, you are better than this Azlila.

Thank you, cikgu, Amil, Pian, Erwin, ayu, my sis, nabila, syamil, and every one who have keep me in your circle and lighten up my days. I love all of you to bits!

Deep inside, a whispering heard, I want to change. Of all the sins and mistake I have made while I was away from HIM. I regret it now. I tried to surround myself with friends, those who was there before. But they are not always available to remind me. Maybe I was too. I was busy with life, captured in sins and terrible acts. But I wanted to change. Really.

Going through changing phase with a broken hearted and a body, a soul full with sins is tough. Much tougher, is going through it alone. Wallahi, there is no one could understand me right now. Except Allah, He who knows.

I haven’t eat for few days. I don’t feel hungry, to be honest. I kept remembering of the day, scared if Allah to test me with the consequences of my act. I pray for Allah to give me strength, when I needed it the most.

As a human, terrible things happen, we never stop sinning, and Allah never stop forgiving. So repent. And seek for Him.

Be strong dear heart, I’m sorry I was misguided. But sorry is not for you, it’s for self, and seek apologize for harming yourself.

That guilty feeling linger, after so long. Even after I took my bath, I don’t feel myself cleansed. I feel wrong and stupid. Not knowing why I even let it happened. After so many times, after so many taubah and tahajjud, my iman easily torn. Will there be hope? For me to return Home?

I pray Allah to guide me, through everyway and every steps. And may this guilt be forgiven, by Him. Ittaqillah, for this is a temporary life.

I don’t mind if people don’t understand what I’m doing with my life. I don’t mind if people around me questions me for rejecting offers and declining interviews. I do what I choose to do. I wanted a job, not so bad. But I need a constant development and learning activities. That is my purpose.

Having a job to support me in financial terms is not an aim, but a job which helps me to build a better character. I have high hope in gaining knowledge and also expand my area of expertise, maybe unlike any other fresh graduate.

So don’t ask me, why did I accept second internship offer, when I can live a life an an auditor. And don’t ask me why I didn’t accept offer from telecommunication company, and I seek for temporary learning programme. Because this is my life, and I try my best to improve, in every way possible.

Today, I look back.. to realize how many people, connections I have made. That make me reach most of my dreams. I have just completed gmap online assessment and send my application for further review to CIMB.

KPMG is waiting, but I choose to delay. I haven’t even contacted person who I suppose to report to when I’m back for good in Malaysia. Maybe, just give me a few more days. I would love to have a good life, as everyone wish for. I would love to have someone to have my back, and a stable life. But everything take risk, and I’m not a huge risk taker.

As for now, I’m learning to walk this life..by observing, learning and reading.. there is much more life opportunity waiting.

I just got back. Exhausted. Three days in a row, lack of sleep. I hate those days. And i hate that now I am being emotionally unstable. Of missing the places I have been. Missing the people. I wish I can go to office at menara prima again. But that’s just a wish.

The worst thing that could happen, was my dad calling me for the third time today. Asking the same question. And asking my advice at this hour. I was super tired, super moody and u happen to pushed the right button. Good job. Probably not going back to penang to spend a week there, it could be night mare. Obviously. So i dunno. Malas fikir.

I couldn’t sleep now. I guess, i over think. My brain hurt so much. Is there any off switch? I need some sleep…