For over twenty years now I have been teaching parents how to connect, validate and …

]]>By Naomi Aldort

Author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

For over twenty years now I have been teaching parents how to connect, validate and understand the needs behind children’s emotional expressions, and allow them to feel and express themselves fully. Yet I noticed new difficult behaviors and dependencies arising as a result of these well intended endeavors. Indeed, some of the kindest parents unintentionally teach their children to feel more entitled and therefore less peaceful.

Many of us grew up emotionally lonely and confused by habitual denial of our feelings. We were told, “Don’t cry, nothing happened,” while inside we felt that a lot happened; or we were shut down with, “You are fine,” when we were hurting inside. It is inspiring to see many of today’s parents trying to give their children the compassion and validation they themselves did not receive. However, in their anxiety to be gentle, parents sometimes don’t realize that they teach victimhood and neediness. They typically call for my guidance saying: “I have been so kind and responsive, why is my child so demanding, whiny, angry and even aggressive?”

How validation and talk about feelings and needs can backfire:

Depending on how we speak, the child can turn validation into seeing herself as a victim; “If my feeling is so right and my need so real, then it is horrible that I am not getting what I want.” The relief of knowing, “Mommy understands how miserable I am,” can turn into, “I am right to be miserable so I must get what I want.” The child then feels entitled and angry and is likely to hit and scream.

Dwelling on emotions can recreate them and make the child a believer in her own drama. When we “drown” in the story, we lead the child to devote more tantrums to defend similar scenarios again and again. The question is how to validate the child’s emotional experience without drowning with her. We want to encourage her to express herself freely with our attentive and caring listening; we don’t want to pump emotions that weren’t authentically hers. While connecting kindly, we must simultaneously open the door for her to feel resilient and able to move on with inner peace.

The source of pain is not what happens, but what the child says to herself about what happens, which she learns from us. Therefore, it is about doing our own work side by side with the child, learning to discover how our mind takes us for a ride and not pass this painful ride to the child. We don’t want to deny emotions, nor do we need to be unkind or controlling, but we do want to empower the child to discover joy and even gratitude in what is unchangeable.

Empowering through inquiry

When we think of empowering we may think of making an inspiring suggestion or comment. However, most often, empowering is about saying less, not more. It is about knowing not to fix the situation or even imply a need for fixing. Unless you are unnecessarily restricting your child or the situation is unsafe, avoid changing reality. Your child takes cues from your attitude. Drama and panic to fix scares and weakens him.

For example, a three-year-old was crying when her banana broke. Her mother validated her feeling of “sadness and disappointment” at which point the child got so mad that she wouldn’t listen to anything other than going to the store to buy another banana. The validation and recognition of her wish worked all too well and she was now convinced that she had no emotional capacity to do without a whole new banana. At this point the feeling is no longer the child’s original authentic experience, but an expanded version her mother has unintentionally ignited in her.

Rather than name strong emotions like sadness or disappointment, a parent can confirm the facts, “You wanted a whole banana and now you have two parts.” With such factual recognition the child feels connected and understood while free to generate her own emotional response. If the child has not learned to dramatize and feel victimized, then such validation will bring the issue to an end. You can add, “Let me know if you don’t want it and I will put it away.”

If the child needs to cry after your factual validation, be there for her without drama and without a “communication workshop.” Just hold the space, offer to hold her or simply listen and be a loving presence. She will be done raging and ready to move on when you allow her to express herself fully. Usually, with a young one, she moves on at ease as long as we don’t inject hope or anxiety by distracting, offering solutions, compensating or hoping that validation will stop the crying (which is not its purpose).

Some children are rightfully uncomfortable when a parent “reads” their emotions out loud. Such a child not only cannot feel connected at that moment, but tends to be angry or feel shame. Validation of facts can therefore be also more respectful and allow space for autonomous expression if needed. Most often, when we are at peace, the child moves on with ease.

If not used to getting some payoff for aggression or rage, most children don’t need anything other than the factual validation and parental presence. If the child needs more help in feeling, expressing and being empowered, one can do a simple inquiry, adopted from The Work of Byron Katie:

Recognize the likely thought that causes the upset and speak it:

(We will use the broken banana example but you can apply it to any cause of upset.)

Mother: “Are you imagining the banana whole and saying to yourself that it should still be whole?”

Child: “Yes.”

Investigating the truth:

Mother: “Are you sure this banana should be whole?”

Child: Typically laughing and saying, “No,” then eating the banana. Or, quietly pondering, looking at the two part banana (or toy or scraped knee).

But lets take the more habituated case and imagine the child says: “Yes, I want it whole,” raging even more:

Exploring the impact the thought has on the child’s emotions and reactions:

Mother: “What happens to you when you keep imagining a whole banana and this one is two parts?”

Child is crying or saying, “I want that other banana… I want you to go get another…” (That’s her painful reaction to her own imagination, not to reality).

Here comes more validation, but this time, it is about the thought, not about reality:

Mother: “I see. When you think of a whole banana – then you want it, you feel upset and you cry. It is fine to cry. Would you like me to hold you?”

The message is clear that feelings are totally fine to experience and express. The child may cry more, gets a hug, connection and love as long as she needs. She learns, “I cry because of what I think. I am not a victim of the banana or whatever the story is.” She doesn’t get it consciously on the spot, but over the years this distinction will give her emotional resilience and become her way of responding.

Investigate how the child would feel if she didn’t have that thought:

Mother: “How would you feel about this two pieces banana if you weren’t imagining the other one?”

Child: Eats the banana, throws it laughing, brings a book to read or whatever is closure for her. In essence she is saying, “I would be fine.”

If the child is strongly habituated in getting her way, this process may have to continue. Yet, when we stay peaceful and not anxious to fix or to stop her tears, a child will come to her own inner strength and turn her painful thinking around on her own in action and/or words by eating the banana, saying “I don’t need another banana” or moving on.

For most children, the parent’s calm factual validation is enough. When we don’t “drown” with the child, she becomes aware of the solid ground on which we are standing, and steps out of her emotional “water” to join us, in her own time and way.

Empowering through benign recognition:

I recall, in one of the family intensive workshops in our home, the children of both families were having a ball in the bedroom jumping on the bed and laughing while the mother was haveing a session with me in the kitchen. Every now and then we heard screaming. Suddenly the door opened and out came one of my children, four at the time.

He walked over to me: “I disturbed,” he started softly, “they said that if I disturb five times I will have to leave the room.”

I opened my arms and he climbed into my lap.

“I disturbed five times,” he continued.

I kissed and hugged him. I said, “You wanted to stay and play but you couldn’t help yourself?” He nodded. “I know how hard it can be to control yourself.” I empathized.

“I know,” he said.

I hugged and kissed him again. After giving him more empathy he became quite and I said, “Sitting together, I feel so connected to you… happy to be with you… I love everything about the way you are.”

“Even when I disturb?” He asked,

“Yes,” I responded with a smile. “I love you because you are you.”

He looked at me and said, “Ah.”

He stayed with me for a short while drinking my unconditional appreciation and love. Then he got up, went to the playroom and got busy playing by himself, completely peaceful and content.

Some parents would wonder if by treating a child so lovingly after he “misbehaved” I don’t “reinforce” the “bad” behavior. However, there is no “bad” behavior in the child, only in our judgmental thoughts. With our recognition of the child’s humanity, he learns compassion and forgiveness.

Notice there is no mini lecture, no “court house” style admonition like, “Are you learning something?” No trying to rescue the child by getting the children to take him back if he promises to behave well. No undermining the kind leadership of the older brother either. No one learns that they are a victim or that they need to change reality and no one is bad, only human.

The child felt complete and empowered to love reality as it was, love himself with his current abilities and weaknesses, forgive himself and peacefully move on. Without any painful parental preaching, he learned that disturbing doesn’t benefit him. Validation of facts and limitations without big emotional drama helped him come to terms with reality. He also learned that his worth is not harmed by his fallibility. At the same time, his brother, who compassionately gave him plenty of opportunities to stay, felt respected and empowered in his leadership role.

A child’s peaceful acceptance of reality is much more powerful than a dependency on getting things changed. He learns that he can experience intense emotions and express himself fully and that he doesn’t have to get his way to be happy. We can’t stop the rain so we are at peace with it. In the same way, children see life as what it is until we teach them otherwise. It is the love of reality that is the source of true inner peace.

Naomi Aldort facilitates self-realization through parenting using The Work of Byron Katie in Phone/Skype sessions, workshops and speaking events internationally.

From infants and toddlers to children and teens including the emotional needs of parents, Naomi Aldort addresses a wide range of parenting issues. Her guidance is not about gentle ways to control a child, but about how to have peace without having to control. It is about a way of being and of understanding a child so she/he can be the best of herself, not because she fear your or seeks approval, but because she wants to, of her own free will.

Naomi Aldort brings peace and clarity to difficult situations, as well as to ordinary parenting issues. She works holistically toward a peaceful and powerful parent-child relationships from infancy through teens. Her SALVE communication formula has been praised as providing the best of The Work of Byron Katie and Nonviolent communication combined, and more. www.AuthenticParent.com

Thank you Naomi for writing this guest blog for our community. The topic you wrote about is one I think about often. How do we help our children feel heard and in touch with their feelings while not making them victims of the world around them? I feel grateful for your insight and your willingness to contribute because it meets my need for knowledge, competence, and community. Susan.

]]>0Ana Joaneshttp://www.parentingthemovie.com/?p=9732014-10-24T01:19:52Z2014-10-20T09:40:03Z
My good friend Annie is a children’s librarian. She has three children, like me, and works three full days a week. I recently told her …]]>
My good friend Annie is a children’s librarian. She has three children, like me, and works three full days a week. I recently told her I really envied her. She has an awesome job, and most importantly, when she is not working, she is NOT working. I can’t relate to this. Making a movie is, for me at least, a pretty obsessive and intense process. When I got started with Taking Our Places, I felt that familiar feeling and I remembered the intensity of making and releasing FRESH. I thought, there’s no way I can do that with two (at the time) really young children.

It’s not that I literally couldn’t. Women with young children do many challenging things. It’s more that I didn’t want to. What I had learned the first couple years of being a mom was that I most enjoyed being with my daughter when I was able to SLLLOOOWWW way down. When I was able to get to her level, to get over my “need” to go places and do things, then I could really be with her and truly enjoy it. (Trying to get anything done with a toddler is a form of torture.) And although I found it hard to switch back and forth between the rhythm of work and the rhythm of childcare, I could do it. What I found almost impossible to do was to be present with her when I was anxious. Making a movie, unfortunately for me, was anxiety-causing. Now, to be clear, I don’t need to make a movie to get anxious. That happens anyway, but making a movie certainly guarantees surges of anxiety.

So why did I started making Taking Our Places, you ask? Simply because by the time I was having all these questions and doubts, it was too late, and I was hooked. Nevertheless, I was moving forward with a lot of ambiguity and doubt, not the best way to go through your day. I finally decided to bring up the issue in counseling. Kathy, my counselor, helped me identify and understand all the different concerns battling in my head. I was able to realize that my priority was really to continue to focus on my children and move at a slow pace. Once that was clear, and I also had clarity that it didn’t mean I was going to stop production, I had to figure out how to make a movie part-time!

How did that work out for me? Ha! Well, overall I think that I’ve done it. FRESH was released a little over 5 years ago (when Maayan was in my belly, she turned 5 in August) and I don’t have anything else to show for (professionally, that is). (Ain’t it weird that I’m counting NOT having anything to show professionally as a success!) Moving slowly has been its own cause of stress and anxiety though, and I’ve had to remind myself regularly that this was a choice. What I think is most interesting is that I wouldn’t have thought of the format of Taking Our Places if I had not been clear and focused on making a longer, slower project. And, for what it’s worth, Taking Our Places’ format — following 3 families over time — is what makes it such a special project.

]]>0Ana Joaneshttp://www.parentingthemovie.com/?p=9692014-10-24T01:26:22Z2014-10-13T09:29:25Z
Man, if only I could learn my lessons! Or maybe it’s a good thing that I tend to have a short memory because I very …]]>
Man, if only I could learn my lessons! Or maybe it’s a good thing that I tend to have a short memory because I very clearly said to my husband to remind me that I would NOT EVER have another kid. I also remember saying that I would not make another movie, but would find a proper job that actually contributes to society. And, after Generation Meds, my first documentary about mental illness, I swore that I would never make another very personal character-based movie. And yet, here I am not only making another movie, but a movie about the very very intimate lives of not one family, but three families!

It’s a strange thing how a camera lets you into places (physical and emotional) that people keep hidden otherwise: counseling sessions, fights and make-ups, etc. The most powerful takeaway for me has been a lessening of the isolation. Witnessing people’s deep intimacy has helped me realize that we all share the same or similar struggles, it’s helped me turn away from judgement — of myself mostly but also judgement of others — and build connection and compassion. Making a movie is a big gamble. I don’t know when I start if I’ll ever have a movie at the end, let alone a good one! And so I’ve made a commitment to have a meaningful process, for me, but also for the people involved. But as you all know, meaningful does not mean easy and you can imagine that the participating families were not always thrilled to see me coming with my big-ole camera! But I think everyone involved would agree that it’s been a worthwhile journey, one that’s lead to more self-knowledge, honesty and compassion. Now, with the support of some really talented women, I hope to share this journey with all of you!

In case you didn’t know already, Taking Our Places is not exactly about parenting, it’s about the kind of parenting that I aspire to. In …

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In case you didn’t know already, Taking Our Places is not exactly about parenting, it’s about the kind of parenting that I aspire to. In traditional parenting, we are told that parents are in control and that children must learn to behave in a proper way through our consistent use of discipline. We use time outs, consequences and rewards to ensure that our children “listen” and comply. And it often works, but not without a cost. Parenting that way can be a chore, a joyless power struggle. And our children may “behave,” but out of fear or calculation. (If I don’t clean up, I won’t be able to watch TV. If I do my homework, I’ll get a treat.) What they don’t learn is to make their own decisions based on their needs AND the needs of others. They don’t learn empathy and problem-solving skills. Most importantly, as our children grow, their power grows too. By the time they are teenagers, they’ll lie, conceal what they are doing from us, and fight us.

People often believe that the opposite of authoritarian parenting is permissive: if you’re not in charge, then your children must be. To surrender control must mean spoiling our children, surrendering to chaos, and threatening the well-being and future of our children. And yet, these are not our only two choices — to control our children or let them control us. Instead, we can choose to partner up, to share power. This alternative focuses on building trust and connection with our children. Instead of rewards and consequences, we try to develop a relationship of mutual respect and mutual caring for each other’s needs. It’s taking the long view of parenting. When we force our children to behave the way we want, we also give them only two choices: to submit or to rebel. If we don’t force them, they might not always make the choices we would want them to make, but they will probably not need to rebel either. The hope is also that our children will learn to do things for the “right” reason. The question is not, “Can I get my kid to go to bed at 8 pm tonight?” but “Can I support my child over the long term to CHOOSE for herself to act in ways that protect her health?” The hope in this example is that they will grow to be in touch with their OWN real needs for rest, and go to bed not because somebody told them they have to, but because they’re tired. This kind of parenting has many names: partnership, democratic, mindful, conscious, compassionate, attachment-based, Non-Violent Communication, etc. It’s a deep paradigm shift that has the power to transform our lives, the lives of our children, our culture, and ultimately our world.

I’ve come to like reading about parenting…sometimes. And I like hearing about developmental research and psychological studies. But I have no interest in making a …

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I’ve come to like reading about parenting…sometimes. And I like hearing about developmental research and psychological studies. But I have no interest in making a talking-head movie (a series of experts sharing their opinions). For Taking Our Places, what I’m envisioning instead is getting a deep, intimate look at a few families.

Here’s the thing, I would NEVER let anyone film me and my family! Why would I? I don’t even want my friends to see me scream at my kids, boss my husband, or fail to keep even a semblance of organization or cleanliness… You know, I clean the house before folks visit, and when I’m in public, I speak politely, I show patience, I’m on my best behavior. So why would I (or anyone else) want to show the truth to the whole world?

It’s tricky to ask people to do something you would not do yourself. “How can I even ask?” I would say to my filmmaker friends. “Because some people want to,” came the answer. “You’re not going to choose families for your movie, they’ll choose you, they’ll choose your movie.” And that’s exactly what happened. My co-producer Deana Morenoff and I made some flyers and posted them around town. Most people thought, “Oh that sounds interesting, but I could never…” and a few people said, “YES!” Over the course of shooting that “YES” has turned into a much less enthusiastic “yes,” and then to a “Why did I ever agree to this?” or even an “ENOUGH!” But through the ups and downs, the three families participating in Taking Our Places have shown incredible courage, and the kind of radical honesty that the rest of us can only aspire to.

Two and a half years ago — whoa time flies when you’re popping out babies! — I started the Taking Our Places project. My idea …

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Two and a half years ago — whoa time flies when you’re popping out babies! — I started the Taking Our Places project. My idea was to make a documentary about education. I read, interviewed experts, and started shooting in a couple schools. But my vision wasn’t taking shape. During that time, I met Chip Wood. His book on children’s development was one of my favorites. He agreed to meet me for lunch and that lunch changed the course of the documentary. Chip helped me realize, the way only great teachers do, what I really wanted. I wanted to make a documentary about parenting, not education. Here’s the thing: education matters, a lot. And I’ve got lots of ideas about that, for sure. But teachers will all tell you, what goes on at home is what matters most. And I know that from my own childhood as well. I didn’t like school, and wasn’t happy or challenged there. But what I’m still working through today is the pain of home. Now, I’m a parent and what I want most is to do right by my kids. But what is that? What is “doing right”? I’m not sure how much I can do to really transform the school system, but what I have complete power to do is to work toward being the best parent I can be. So, let the work begin!

Perhaps you know Tolstoy’s saying “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” A friend of mine once pointed …

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Perhaps you know Tolstoy’s saying “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” A friend of mine once pointed out that it’s really the opposite: unhappiness is what’s boring and monotonous. Suffering is suffering, no matter how you package it. But happiness, ha! Happiness can be quiet togetherness, raucous laughing, deep sharing of purpose… Happiness is never boring, never the same.

My husband quoted our friend’s take on Tolstoy while writing about the picture you see on this post. And I remember being struck by seeing these words juxtaposed with our picture. I was almost surprised, taken aback. “It’s true, we are a happy family,” I internally confirmed, a little unsure of myself. It felt strange to say these words. Even to myself. I didn’t grow up in a happy family, so there was also a sense of accomplishment: “Yes, I did it! I have a happy family!!” Do you know that feeling? The “looking around at your life and thinking, wow I came a long way” feeling?

Happiness is not the same as perfection or the lack of suffering. We’re plenty imperfect, and we have our share of frustrated, angry, worried, sad, tense, and straight up unhappy moments. But there’s also no doubt we’re happy. We have deep loving care, trust, joy, connection, gratitude. Here’s one image that comes to mind when I think about happiness: my daughters Maayan and Sasha hugging and dancing and chanting “I love you.” Would you share one happy family moment?

I can so clearly recall standing at a coffee shop and watching a woman softly speaking with her wee-one, asking which muffin she wanted, “blueberry …

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I can so clearly recall standing at a coffee shop and watching a woman softly speaking with her wee-one, asking which muffin she wanted, “blueberry or peach.” “Your little girl has no idea, just choose for her, c’mon, this is ridiculous” I thought. “I am never gonna be one of those yuppy wishy-washy parents. Hell no! I’m not spoiling my kids, they’re gonna know who the boss is!” Oh, and I would watch the women pushing their strollers around the street and standing around talking to each other at the playground and would shake my head convinced I would be a working mom. Fast forward 5 years…. I’m totally soft (although of course now I don’t call it “soft”) and spend the vast majority of my time with my three kids. And I’m so glad that righteous judgmental childless me was so wrong, because I’m a much happier and probably a much better person now that I’ve allowed myself to be schooled by my children!

How did it all happen, you ask? Well, when my daughter, Maayan, was almost a year and a half, I felt like I hit a brick wall. I was totally and unnervingly powerless in getting my little girl dressed! Yes, something as simple as that. I know, totally pathetic! But I came to dread trying to get out of the house, no matter how desperate I was to do so, because it would be such a struggle to get her to put her clothes on. Most of the time I would end up forcing her, and she would fight me so hard that I would be left feeling beat. Maybe being the boss was not all it was cracked up to be, but what was the alternative? How do I parent this willful little girl? I didn’t want my relationship with my daughter to be one of power-struggle!

A friend of mine recommended a few books. I started with the thinnest one: “Parenting from Your Heart” by Inbal Kashtan. I read the whole book one evening and was thrilled with what I read. There was a possibility of stepping out of the power struggle and instead, building trust, connection, and cooperation. BUT, the next morning, I still couldn’t get my child dressed! In order to learn how to apply these principles to my daily life, I sought out a counselor and started biweekly counseling sessions.

My counselor’s commonsensical advice shook my world. For instance, my counselor, Kathy, pointed out how behind every NO, there’s a YES. What is my daughter saying YES to when she refuses to get dressed? Turns out she was saying yes to choice. All I had to do is provide two pieces of clothing to my pre-verbal child, and my struggles were over! She also taught me the difference between needs and strategies. Maayan would also never agree to put her coat on, no matter how freezing it was outside. Kathy helped me understand that my need was for Maayan to be healthy, and that my strategy was to put her coat on before leaving the house. Once I could see that putting the coat was just a strategy, I could imagine new ways to meet my need for Maayan to stay healthy. I could take her outside and wait for her to feel the cold and then put the coat on. Or I could bring a blanket and cover her on the stroller… Struggle over.
What happened next totally took me by surprise. Turns out, the book I read, the advice I was getting, the strategies that were working so well and transforming my life, are not what other people do! On the contrary, this was pretty counter-cultural and radical, and I started getting a lot of push-back. I was warned that my child would become a bully, and spoiled, that she was going to rule over me, because if I’m not in control, she is. If I was too soft, too permissive, I would live in chaos.

That’s when I decided to make a movie! Because I might not be good at getting my daughter dressed, but I’m pretty damn competent at making movies! And because this new approach to parenting totally rocked my world, it got me wondering, why not the rest of the world? So I decided to run a little experiment and see how other families would respond…

In my upcoming movie, Taking Our Places, I intimately follow three families as they learn and try to implement new parenting strategies. What I’ve learned and what I think my movie will show is that parenting is a skill that can be learned and practiced. My message is simple: no, you are not alone, and yes, there are tools out there that can really help!

If you’d like to swap stories, share your struggles (I’ve been there!), and learn more about the movie, check out www.ParentingTheMovie.com and follow along on Facebook and Twitter. Or leave a comment here, I can’t wait to hear from you!

]]>3Susan Minzterhttp://parentingthemovie.comhttp://www.parentingthemovie.com/?p=8442014-03-24T16:14:29Z2014-03-17T15:12:37ZTwo personal stories come to mind when I read this post. Well, quite a few stories, but I’ll share two with you.

The first story: …

]]>Two personal stories come to mind when I read this post. Well, quite a few stories, but I’ll share two with you.

The first story: I introduced a friend of mine, Jennifer, to Unconditional Parenting about a year ago. She now looks at the world through a different lens and is loving it.

A few months ago she was driving her car, with a friend in the front seat and her two children in the back. Her young child, Lucinda, was uncomfortable and started to cry. Jennifer pulled the car over, her friend looking at her a bit puzzled. She walked over to her daughter who looked up, and like her friend, with a look of confusion.

Jennifer tried to figure out what was going on for her child and guessed that she was hot and uncomfortable in her jacket and asked, “Would you like me to take your jacket off?” Her daughter looked up, eyes wide, so grateful, and said, “Yes, Mommy!” Jennifer told me, “In the past, I would have told her to hang on, we’ll be home soon.” She continued, “Why would I do that? I would take off my jacket. If my friend were hot, I’d make sure she could could take off her jacket. The only person that I the world that, in the past, I wouldn’t stop to make comfortable, would have been my own child. How crazy it that?

The second story: I was with a friend, and he was explaining something to me about being kind to ourselves. I had a cut on my finger. He said, “Be kind to it. Be compassionate.” I thought, “What is he talking about? How can I be compassionate to it?” As though he were reading my mind, he said, “Pretend the cut were on your child. What would you do?”

It hit me like a wave… I talk about liking myself and loving myself, but never in my life have I been as compassionate and soft and as gentle as I imagined in that that moment, transferring the love I give my children when they’re hurt to myself. I started to cry because I couldn’t even imagine being that loving to myself. I wondered whether we start out in life being that caring to ourselves and whether somewhere along the way we’re taught out of it. I cried because it all seemed so simple and so incredibly hard at the same time.

So, how do we learn to love unconditionally when we weren’t loved that way ourselves? In fact, we’re often taught that doing so will spoil our children and turn them into little entitled beings. And how do we learn to love our children unconditionally not only at the obvious times when they’re hurt, but at all times, like when they’re behaving “ugly” and when they need our love and for us to be present the most.

This post is so raw and so real, and as I read it, I felt fragile and grateful for what Teresa wrote and for the journey we are all on.

I Never Learned How to Love Children

In her book, All About Love: New Visions, bell hooks wrote this paragraph that has stayed with me for some time. I’ve written about it before, but for some reason I was drawn back to want to write about it again.

The first time I wrote something, I merely touched the surface of my feelings and the way it challenged me. This time, I finally got to the core of some truth, even if it took me a while to get there.

She writes:

“An overwhelming majority of us come from dysfunctional families in which we were taught we were not okay, where we were shamed, verbally and/or physically abused, and emotionally neglected even as we were also taught to believe that we were loved. For most folks it is just too threatening to embrace a definition of love that would no longer enable us to see love as present in our families. Too many of us cling to a notion of love that either makes abuse acceptable or at least makes it seem that whatever happened was not that bad.” – bell hooks

I’ve read this portion of the book many, many times.

And I struggle even now with it.

Even as I wrote this, I kept typing and deleting as I desperately tried to find the words to express my thoughts and feelings, thoughts and feelings that need to come to the surface.

I took a break from trying to write and washed some dishes. I cooked a bit and noticed the ways I was feeling annoyed and short-tempered with my family. It was still sitting with me.

But then the truth hit me in a flash. It brings tears to my eyes as I write it.

The truth is I know very little about loving children.

And here’s why…

I never learned how to love children without control.

I never learned how to love children without conditions.

I never learned how to love children and not make them responsible for my happiness.

I never learned how to love children without expecting them to “do better next time.”

I never learned how to love children for just being who they are, not for what they do.

I never learned how to love children without wanting to change something about them.

As a both a child and now as a parent, I have to admit that the ways that I learned about loving children were distorted by power, control, and fear. The same things that influence our broader culture are reflected in our homes, the homes where we are supposed to learn what love is.

Until we live in a culture that not only respects but also upholds basic civil rights for children, most children will not know love.

Love is as love does, and it is our responsibility to give children love. When we love children we acknowledge by our every action that they are not property, that they have rights–that we respect and uphold their rights. Without justice there can be no love. – bell hooks

I have come to realize that because I did not learn how to love children, that I struggle with acknowledging by my every action their fundamental human rights.

I could beat myself up for not being the parent I want to be, for falling short of this ideal vision of what it means to love.

And I have certainly done this. I have been in a place of feeling shame or guilt for treating the children in my life less than lovingly, for abusing their trust and treating them with disrespect. And when I’ve been in that place, too often I get stuck.

Instead, I can be responsible for facing the internal barriers I have to being loving and decide that I have the capacity to transform my relationships with the children in my life.

And in the process of learning a new vision of love, I have to learn how to love myself.

Because we did not receive in childhood the unconditional love we needed, we have to learn how to give it to ourselves.

The process of acknowledging in our every action the right of children to be treated with respect and dignity cannot come if we do not treat ourselves the same way.

Like many people, I turned the way I was treated as a child inward and learned “lessons” about myself that I carried into adulthood and parenthood.

I learned that I must use power and control internally, with myself, in order to get the results I think I should have.

I learned that I couldn’t love myself without conditions.

I learned that happiness had to be found outside of me.

I learned that I always had to expect myself to “do better next time,” that whatever I did just wasn’t quite enough.

I learned that I couldn’t love myself for just being me, that the measure of my worth comes from what I do.

These are all lessons that I am unlearning.

As we all unlearn the lessons we took in during childhood, we have to learn new ways of loving children AND loving ourselves.

We all need to rid ourselves of misguided notions about self-love. We need to stop fearfully equating it with self-centeredness and selfishness. Self-love is the foundation of our loving practice. Without it, our other efforts to love fail. Giving ourselves love we provide our inner being with the opportunity to have the unconditional love we may have always longed to receive from someone else…. When we give this precious gift to ourselves, we are able to reach out to others from a place of fulfillment and not from a place of lack. – bell hooks

We have the capacity to face our fears and liberate ourselves from what we learned in the past.

Writing my truth today frees me to acknowledge where I have come and forge a new path. It helps me to connect to the ways I already have learned to be loving.

And most of all, when I act less than loving to the children who share my life, it allows me to be responsible for my actions, and still give myself the unconditional love that will increase my capacity to love others in direct proportion to the love I give myself.

What does this post bring up for you?

Teresa Graham Brett started life as a fairly typical child who sought to be successful in the eyes of her parents and teachers, while trying to reconcile the need to tell her own truth throughout life.

This balancing act has led to many adventures in trying to find her true path and purpose. Along the way she went to college and graduated from law school. She rejected a legal career for working as a university administrator, believing that she could make the world a better place. Teresa spent time working at the University of Arizona, the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, and the University of Texas, Austin.

I found a passion for social justice education and sustained dialogue and started on the path of unlearning much of what I had learned as a child and adult.

When Martel, the first child in Teresa’s life, came along, he challenged her to grow far beyond any other experience in her life. He exposed her hypocrisy as an individual committed to justice by showing her how she continued to perpetuate oppression in her attitudes and beliefs about the parent-child relationship.

Thus began Teresa’s journey to integrate her commitment to justice, learning, and parenting through her relationship with Martel and now extended to Greyson, the second child in her life.

Rob, Teresa’s partner, Martel, and Greyson travel with her on this journey. She seek to live her purpose as a parent, author, coach and advocate for transforming childhood as the first step to transforming the world.]

Thank you Teresa for giving us permission to republish your article. I feel grateful for your insight and your willingness to contribute because it meets my need for knowledge, competence, and community.

]]>0Susan Minzterhttp://parentingthemovie.comhttp://www.parentingthemovie.com/?p=4502014-03-24T16:13:05Z2014-02-17T07:13:21ZFor most of us, when we have our second child, we are grateful that we are giving our first child a sibling — a confidant; …]]>For most of us, when we have our second child, we are grateful that we are giving our first child a sibling — a confidant; someone he or she will be able to travel through life with, even when we are gone; a best friend for life. We imagine total bliss, holding hands, and our children thanking us for the gift we’ve given them.

Once we realize that they will not always be grateful for the gift we believe that we’ve given them, what do we do? How do we become comfortable with the relationship they have and how do we help them navigate the sometimes turbulent waters of siblinghood?

When Siblings Fight

My two children play together beautifully much of the time but they also fight frequently, especially when we’re at home. Sometimes the constant bickering drives me nuts. I go back and forth between letting them work it out themselves and intervening. They yell at each other a lot and sometimes hurt each other intentionally. How can I help them learn better ways of resolving their differences?

Signed, Frustrated mother of two

Dear Frustrated Mother of Two,

Before you approach helping your children, I would suggest that you ask yourself what about their fighting is “driving you nuts.” Are you physically uncomfortable with the level of noise? Do you need more peace and quiet? Do you feel frustrated because you want some peace of mind as you go about your life in the house? Maybe you’re concerned for your children’s safety, or feel discouraged about the possibility that they will grow to live together more peacefully? Are you also confused about how to help them in these situations? There may be other feelings and needs to explore. The more you give yourself room for connecting with yourself, the clearer you will get about what strategies are likely to meet your needs. You may notice that, depending on what your needs are, your strategies may vary considerably.

Gaining inner clarity about your feelings and needs is likely to open your heart when you actually approach your children to talk about this situation. It will also enhance your ability to express yourself to them without blame or anger, dramatically increasing the likelihood that they could hear you and dialogue with you about both their needs and yours.

Next, I would encourage you to explore what needs might be going unmet for the children that are making fighting more likely. You said this is happening especially at home. If you can identify what is going on before fighting breaks out, you might come closer to understanding their needs. This doesn’t mean you can prevent all fighting! In the course of life, not all our needs are met. When our needs are not met, we do our best to try to get them met. From this perspective, raising voices, grabbing, hitting, or whatever other behavior you might categorize under “fighting” are all attempts to meet needs.

Your challenge, then, is to help your children identify and express their feelings and needs and look for strategies that are more likely to meet their needs and that don’t hurt one another. You can do this first by modeling for them care, respect and commitment to meeting everyone’s needs, and second by helping them gain these skills themselves.

How do you model this behavior? If you’ve done the first step I suggested above, with practice you will find that you can walk into the room where your children are hurting one another and reach to them with your heart instead of anger, frustration, confusion or resentment. I’m reminded of a woman who wrote me after attending one of my workshops, and shared how the mediation she had done with her children the following day had had a completely different flavor than any she had done before. Previously, she tended to feel badly even after a conflict was seemingly resolved, because her sense was that at least one, and sometimes both children, were not satisfied with either the process or the solution. This time, she sought to connect with each child instead of looking for who started the fight, who is at fault, who should make amends.

Key in mediation is a commitment to attending to both sides’ needs. This means moving away from the roles of judge (deciding who is right and who is wrong) and law enforcement officer (enforcing a consequence for the wrong-doer). Here’s an example:

Mom hears Melissa and Jake’s raised voices from the living room. She stops what she’s doing and listens, to help her decide where things are going and whether she wants to intervene.

Jake: “I had it first! Give it back!”Melissa: “Well, you put it down, and now I have it, so there!”Jake: “That’s not fair, you stupid head!”Melissa: “You’re the one that’s stupid!”

By this point, Mom makes her way to the living room. When Jake sees her, he runs over.

Jake: “Mom, Melissa is being unfair. I was playing with this toy and she won’t give it back.”Mom: “So, you’re pretty upset right now. Is it that you wanted to choose when to end your play?”Jake: “Yeah, I wasn’t done!”Melissa: “Well, he put it down, Mom! He just saw me take it and then he suddenly wanted it back. He always wants everything I want to play with. I wish he would just leave me alone!”Jake: “You stupid head!”Mom: “Just a minute. I’d really like to be able to hear each of you at a time so we can all understand how both of you feel and what you need. Melissa, would you be willing to wait another minute or two until I’m clear on what’s going on for Jake?”Melissa: “You’re always taking his side, Mom!”Mom: “Sounds like you’re really upset, too, and you want to trust that your needs matter, also?”(Once it’s clear that Melissa is not able at that moment to listen without speaking, Mom chooses to turn her attention to her, at least for a moment. This doesn’t have to be the way she handles it every time—her decision would depend on the circumstances and people involved.)Melissa: “I just know that you’re going to take his side. You never really listen to me.”Mom: “Hmmm. I’m wondering whether you feel pretty sad right now. Is it because you want to know I care? You really want to be heard?”Melissa (tearing up) “Yes.”Mom (reaching her arms to hold Melissa) “I’m so glad you told me how you feel, Melissa. It’s so important to me to hear everyone and care about everyone.”Jake: “But she took the toy I was playing with!”Mom (reaching her arms to Jake): “I want to hear more from you, too. Would you both be willing to spend a little more time working this out?”

The dialogue will probably not end here, but I hope this example gives you an idea of the fluidity of moving between the two children while expressing care for both. One of the key needs the children probably have at that moment is to be heard, and to trust that their needs matter. This is probably more important than the original conflict!

What about the possibility that the children don’t really require intervention? I do believe children need opportunities to learn to work out their own conflicts, and I would support you in choosing not to intervene sometimes. If you think that the children really could work it out, you may modify Faber and Mazlish’s strategies from Siblings Without Rivalry to include more NVC, and say something like this:

“Hmmm. There are two of you and only one special green train. [Observation] I noticed in the past that you’ve been able to find strategies that can meet both your needs, [another observation] so I feel confident [feeling] that you can do that again now [need for peaceful conflict resolution]. Would you be willing to try? [request]” Or, she can forgo the question and just leave the room, as Faber and Mazlish suggest, to give the children the opportunity to work things out on their own – as long as it’s not a demand on her part that they must figure it out.

Supporting children in working out their own conflicts offers them opportunities for practicing their skills, building trust in themselves and each other, and growing into their own power. At the same time, leaving children to work things out when they don’t know how to do it in a way that meets both their needs can set a pattern of win/lose interactions, resentments, helplessness, discouragement, or residual anger. If you keep trying both options, you will strike a balance that is most likely to meet all your needs.

I’d like to recap my key suggestions. Check in with yourself before you walk into a conflict: is your heart open to both the children? If not, take another moment for self-empathy, or go in and express your own feelings, needs and requests first. Otherwise, what’s likely to happen is that you will enter into the struggle with them and they will look to you for judgment and consequences. By staying as open-hearted as you can with both children, you can help them take responsibility for their actions. You can help them gain a rich vocabulary of feelings and needs. You can help them acknowledge their impact on each other, on you, and on themselves by the behaviors they are choosing. And you can help them learn how to connect with each other, and how to come up with strategies that work for both of them.

It’s likely that your children will still fight. But when you think of your role in this way, their fighting might become opportunities for growth, learning, and deepening your connection as a family. Let me know how it goes!

When your children fight, what comes up for you? What do you do about it?

Since the mid-90’s, NVC became the focus of Inbal Kashtan’s passion to contribute to creating a world where everyone matters and people have the skills for making peace. Inbal focused primarily on leadership development and transforming parenting, as two powerful strategies for contributing to structural change, until she became ill with cancer and her health became a major focus.

Thank you Inbal for giving us permission to republish your article. I feel grateful for your insight and your willingness to contribute because it meets my need for knowledge, competence, and community.