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Politics

It’s official: The school will be closing down at the end of the 2018-2019 school year, with the last day of AISU as a company being on or before August 19th. We don’t want to say that we told you so, but our journalistic integrity insists that we must.

We told you so.

The primary reason for the shut down is mismanagement of funds. That ranges anywhere from Special Education funds, to Foreign Exchange Student funds, to Keeping a Theater Teacher for More than Two Years funds, to Transportation funds. The Utah State Board of Education (or USBE, as they’re known to their college friends) gave the school money for these funds, but AISU did not spend the money on the things that they promised. Not only that, but they failed to keep the receipts for the things that they did spend their money on, citing the fact that they “didn’t want their wallet to get too cluttered”.

Another reason is the semi-legal agreements that AISU has with Realms of Inquiry. Granted, The Daily Gravy been distrustful of Realms from the beginning, what with their “official permits for exchange students” and “committed staff and student body” who “pay to be there” and “direct their own learning”. Sounds suspicious, doesn’t it?

Whatever the true cause of the tragic passing of AISU, we here at the Gravy know that at times like this, the bereaved often need to say a few words. We’re here for you. You’re welcome.

One teacher, who asked not to be identified, while devastated that they would be losing their job, commented that, “If the school did stay open another year, it would be like trying to break your dying, deadbeat dad out of prison. While he is super cool and original, he hasn’t taken very good care of you while he was in your life, and the more you try to save him, the less the government will like you. Plus there’s no guarantee he’ll be able to pay us once he gets out before he dies.”

A student who asked not to be identified called out to any juniors or struggling seniors looking to graduate this year, referencing the fact that they have “a surplus of credits” and that he’s willing to sell them for “any memorabilia of Brian Donahue and/or Robert Pyles”.

One AISU alum who asked not to be identified mentioned that they did not care what happened to the school, saying that they “jumped ship a while ago”, and only kept in touch with any AISU representatives to deal Pokemon cards.

Truman Barnes, late night assembly host and former school mascot candidate, who asked not to be identified, said that “I guess you could say this school is dra-GONE, huh? Will you use that pun in your article? Could you use that pun in that article? Make sure you use that pun in your article.” It should be noted that the Gravy correspondent, after conducting this interview, sighed deeply, shook his head and walked away.

Another teacher said, “Quick word to any and all students who are thinking about stealing things from the school: If the school is so bad at fiscal management, how good do you think they’ll be at taking inventory?” The teacher asked to not be identified.

One student, who asked not to be interviewed, was somehow left unawares of the shut down, and said simply that they were “excited to be a part of the entirely legal and well-staffed AISU 6.0”.

An alum who asked not to be I.D.’d when he entered the bar commented on the Farley Fire’s effect on the situation: “Many people used to say we dodged a bullet by firing the Farleys and everyone affiliated with them. The thing is, though, by dodging that bullet, we placed ourselves in front of thousands of other bullets that were also being shot at us. I need to go to the hospital.”

It’s a very scary time to be an AISU student, unless you’re a well-off senior or a high-achieving junior. Even then, the prospects of no AISU to mold any more future citizens is a frightening thought. The only likely way to continue in future years is to be, essentially, absorbed by another, much more financially sound, charter school. But wouldn’t being A.P.A.I.S.U. be a fate truly worse than death? And the only way to continue AISU as we know it is to tweet every hour on the hour to Elon Musk with the hashtag #SaveAISU. Please do your part. Or don’t, I can’t force you. Because of the restraining order.

He prefers the disco version, but the house & radio versions are also acceptable.

Make sure to play this for him every time he’s in earshot, unless you want to get terminated—which we wouldn’t blame you for, except Mr. Huish and Dr. Sarah are worth staying for, and we’re not sure exactly how literal the word “termination” is in this case. It’s probably best if you bookmark the page.

The Utah state charter board recently “strongly suggested” that the AISU board of directors add Dan Griffiths, a deceased Welsh rugby player, to the board, in order to help with finances (something that Dan Griffiths has helped other boards with, and something that the AISU school board is not supposed to have anything to do with). Read Dan Griffith’s full bio here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dan_Griffiths, and/or read a short summary below:

Dan Griffiths (1857-1946) was a Welsh rugby player and coal miner, who now helps school boards disobey their own bylaws from beyond the grave. He only ever played 2 international rugby games, both for Wales, and ended his career 1-1. He likely died from a combination of rugby injuries, lung problems from coal mining, trying to pronounce the name of the place he was born (Cwmduad), and angry time-travelling AISU students and parents who poisoned his food before giving him a chance to make things right by overthrowing the rest of the school board hunger games-style and reinstating the Farleys and Kelly. Staff members probably would have gone, too, if they weren’t afraid of getting fired. So now’s your chance, Dan. We’re watching you, one foot in the time machine.

Rugby: the only sport where men can wear short shorts and be tough at the same time.

This is a scrum. It is as intense as it looks. It might have also been a cause of Dan Griffith’s 1936 death.

Yes, old-timey basketball had short shorts, too, but it wasn’t tough enough. That’s why they don’t have short shorts anymore. Rugby’s short shorts remain, because they’re tough enough to make up for it.

Disclaimer: Dan Griffiths, Cwmduad-born deceased Welsh international rugby player and the new member of the AISU school board, is not to be confused with Daniel Griffiths, currently living Welsh rugby player, Coedcae School alumni. Dan played forward, Daniel plays fly-half/fullback. They’re very distinct, really.

Note: The AISU board is still looking for approximately 3 new members. If you are a caring parent or community member (or even student) who likes attending last-minute monthly meetings and making crucial decisions about AISU that you probably aren’t authorized to make, or if you know someone who has those qualities, apply to be a member of the school board by following this link: tinyurl.com/y8d2wjvm

Note, the sequel: if you get chosen when you sign up through the gravy, you are volunteering to take on the rest of the school board to a fight to the death hunger games-style, and/or go to all the meetings covering your ears and singing “Reinstate Mike Farley” at the top of your lungs the whole time.

Note, the trilogy: sign one of these petitions so that you don’t have to be on a board with the same people who break their own bylaws. That probably isn’t a positive environment to be in. Student Petition or if you’re a Parent or misc. community member Parent Petition

AISU—The American International School of Utah’s board of directors and some administration members held a community meeting on Tuesday to discuss subjects they had previously refused to comment on. In the meeting, they continued refusing to comment on these subjects. However, each attending member of the board (2 members) and members of school administration did have pieces of food in their teeth. This meant that while community members watched AISU metaphorically crumble to pieces, they also got to watch the school board and administration’s teeth do the same thing due to cavities and delayed dental checkups.

One of the subjects they refused to comment on was the removal of Mike Farley and if and when he will return. Many community members were frustrated by this, since Farley’s firing was their main concern and primary reason for attending the meeting. However, after the meeting, several people reported other things to be concerned about, including: When the last time Mark Smith has flossed was? If the number of success coaches is being cut in half, will the amount of success be cut in half as well? And was that a two-month-old cheeseburger in between Dr. Maxfield’s left canine and first premolar?

The board and administration also refused to tell some angry theater kids (who had attended the meeting in Shakespearian attire and asked every question using broken Victorian English with a British accent) who the new drama instructor will be. They did say that Mindy chose the replacement and is very excited about him, which worries theater students. Don Miller, the band instructor, is also being replaced, but administrators would not reveal the name of person replacing him, except to say he will be a “perfect fit,” which worries the band students. Mr. Justis’s right upper lateral incisor fell out and immediately disintegrated, which didn’t seem to faze any of the students at all.

The one piece of useful information that was given at this meeting was that Mike Farley was released for financial mismanagement, such as paying for fees the school owed out of his personal money. A piece of useful information that was not given was that the school board should not be involved in financial decisions, according to its own bylaws. The board and administration also said that their legal advisors had advised them not to release information concerning the termination of the entire Farley family, likely because the terminations were illegal, but it remains a possibility that they could not say any more because they were afraid that their teeth would shatter.

A helpful infographic for the school board and administration

At one point during the meeting, the school board engaged in a shouting match with a member of the audience, during which a board member claimed she didn’t know that minutes from board meetings were not being posted online. The audience responded that this was a lie, and furthermore, that the school board member had something green in her teeth. The board member responded very loudly to say that she didn’t have anything in her teeth, because she brushed her teeth right before this meeting (which was also determined to be a lie, according to the Daily GravyFact Checker).

The meeting adjourned with refreshments, which were cookies shaped like the Farleys’ heads and opened cans of soda filled with backwash, later discovered to be Mark Smith’s mouthwash.

The Daily Gravy Fact Checker is a fact checker that checks “facts” that have anything to do with AISU, someone currently or once affiliated with AISU, or something said in the vicinity of AISU and overheard by someone at AISU. These “facts” are checked through a vigorous scientific checking process that you wouldn’t understand. So let’s get on with it:

1. Ex-superduperintendent (and hopefully future superduperintendent) Mike Farley said in his town hall Q&A that the school will still survive and will continue to be a place that fosters creativity, talent, and bad cafeteria food. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a PARTIAL LIE. The Daily Gravy has confirmed on multiple occasions that AISU will likely not survive, especially without Mike Farley, and that it will definitely stop fostering creativity and talent. Professional statistics and stuff show that, without Mike Farley (let alone Kelly Casaday, Steve Farley, and Steve’s clone, Greg), AISU is on the path to becoming very similar to the Smile Away Reformatory School from Phineas and Ferb, except with a better performing arts program, assuming Dr. Sarah doesn’t jump ship. It is true, however, that the cafeteria food will continue to be bad, most likely.

2. Russell Westbrook, the 2017 NBA MVP, claims that he once used an AISU toenail clipper (designed and created by AISU legend Kelly Casaday) to clip his the nails of his Maltese The Brodie. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a TRUTH. First off, why would Russell Westbrook lie about that? Secondly, we’ve seen pictures of The Brodie, and that toenail perfection can only be achieved by the unique clipping capabilities of the exclusive AISU toenail clipper.

Russell Westbrook and his Maltese, The Brodie. That toenail perfection can only be achieved with the limited-edition AISU toenail clipper.

3. A member of the school board claimed during a recent community meeting that neither she nor the rest of the school board knew that the minutes of the board meetings were not being posted online. She also claimed that she had recently brushed her teeth. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a BLATANT DOUBLE LIE. The Daily Gravy has sent multiple ambassadors to AISU board of directors meetings since December 2016 for the sole purpose of informing them that their minutes had not been posted online, even though this is both customary and required by law. Though the meetings were nearly impossible to attend (thanks to the illegal uncooperativeness of the school board), and the board was not very good at listening to our information, our loyal and intrepid representatives (caring parents of students) are true warriors, so they somehow attended the meetings anyway and got the message to the board multiple times. It is therefore impossible for the board not to have known that the minutes were not being posted. Also, it is common knowledge that the board prioritizes the students’ well-being over basic dental hygiene, and since they have definitely not been focusing on students’ well-being at all over the past several months, there is no possible way they could have even touched their Oral-B Pro 7000 SmartSeries Black Electronic Power Rechargeable Toothbrush with Bluetooth Connectivity Powered by Braun yet.

4. AISU luminary Mike Farley has said that he cares deeply for the students and staff and administration members and wants more than anything to see us succeed. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a TRUTH. In fact, truer words have never been said.

5. Rudy Gobert, the best center in the NBA and an acknowledged Frenchman, hoping to revive the spirits of the AISU community while they witness AISU’s downfall, plans to purchase AISU in the near future and immediately reinstate the Farleys and Kelly. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be CURRENTLY INDISCERNIBLE, BUT HOPEFULLY TRUE. Sometimes, all you have is hope. And at those times, you must cling tenaciously to that hope, slim though it may be. If this does happen, though, it is almost certain that Gobert will rename AISU “the Rudy Gobert School of French, Blocking Shots, and Cryptic Hair Designs” or “RGSFBSCHD” for short. It is also widely believed that the new name will not change how the school operates, except that it is likely to place greater emphasis on not doing stupid things. So far, Gobert has been reticent when asked whether he plans to buy AISU, in some cases denying that he has ever heard of the school. However, the Daily Gravy Fact Checker has confirmed that during a recent, supposedly unrelated press conference, Gobert clearly blinked at exactly the 49.98 second mark and then nodded his head slightly. This subtle but undeniable hint is what the AISU community is currently hitching its hopes to. Yep, that’s the state of things.

This has been the Daily Gravy Fact Checker, Vol. 1. If you or your diabetic gecko have anything pertaining to AISU or not pertaining to AISU that you want checked for facts, email us at askgravy@gmail.com. If you cannot email us because you have PTSD from the urgent alone email thread or the sitting-on-the-floor email thread, you may comment below. Thank you.

Salt Lake City, Utah—Earlier this week, many Utahns (and residents of surrounding states without a professional basketball team) had a somber undertone to their 4th of July festivities when Utah Jazz basketball star and League of Legends player Gordon Hayward announced that he was leaving Utah to join the Boston Celtics.

The news came as a shock to many fans. In Utah, many speculated, Hayward could have a higher salary, a higher probability of running into Donny Osmond, and a lower probability of getting his shots blocked by Rudy Gobert (except in practices). In Boston, on the other hand, he would have an arena overstuffed with championship banners, a higher probability of running into Tom Brady, and a borderline racist team logo.

And yet, he still chose Boston. This in spite of the fact that Jazz fans have created hashtags featuring wordplays on Hayward’s name, paid for billboards with Hayward’s picture on them, and posted YouTube videos of themselves begging him to stay, which isn’t creepy or pathetic at all.

In Utah … Hayward could have a higher salary, a higher probability of running into Donny Osmond, and a lower probability of getting his shots blocked by Rudy Gobert (except in practices).

Some have speculated that Hayward is leaving for Boston because his old college coach, Brad Stevens, now coaches the Celtics, giving Boston a sentimental advantage. However, it remains a fact that Hayward is an acknowledged professional athlete, who does not have actual feelings and who cares only about money, social media, and winning, in that order. So there must be some other explanation.

As analysts and fans continue to puzzle over Hayward’s baffling decision, the Daily Gravy has recently received exclusive insider info that Hayward’s departure had nothing to do with sentimentality and everything to do with the AISU school board.

In case you didn’t know, the board of directors of the American International School of Utah (AISU) have recently been accused of abusing their power (possibly unintentionally), not following their own standards and bylaws (probably intentionally), and refusing to brush their teeth (definitely intentionally). Some examples of their abuses of power include removing Michael Farley as manager of its parent organization, AIS, and attempting to use expired Burger King coupons as admission to Beyoncé concerts. A couple of outspoken sports analysts have surmised that the controversy surrounding the school board (or possibly Ms. Erica’s departure) was likely a major factor in Hayward’s decision to leave.

However, an inside source has informed the Daily Gravy of the real reason: The AISU school board fired him.

Hayward’s departure had nothing to do with sentimentality and everything to do with the AISU school board.

The informant, who asked to be called “anything except my real name, I don’t care, just don’t tell them it’s me, Gordon Hayward,” explained that he could not reveal the grounds for the firing for fear of losing severance pay, but possible reasons include the fact that Hayward was an important, foundational, well-loved member of the community. As AISU student and parents know, the school board has recently become notorious for firing such people (without authorization to do so). In fact, some students and parents had said that they expected this to happen after seeing it happen with Mike Farley, saying the firing of Gordon Hayward was a predictable next step. Other AISU students asked, “Who’s Gordon Hayward? Is he in the Chamber Choir? What part does he sing?”

Experts are now trying to predict what the school board will do next, with many agreeing that they will likely fire Justin Trudeau, Taylor Swift, and/or Pope Francis. In response, students and parents have written a petition demanding a reorganization of the board, in order to protect Pope Francis and other influential world leaders from meeting the same unwarranted and unlawful demise as Hayward and Farley.

The school board has refused to comment on this issue, or any issue, for that matter. Gordon Hayward did say that he’ll be in touch with AISU’s choir directors, previous and current, for information about the city of Boston, as both directors have ties there. He also still plans to audition for the AISU choral program, just as he does every year, and hopes that he’ll be accepted at least once before the school shuts down. He also said (anonymously) that AISU’s lawyers have banned him from any contact with the school, which is why he isn’t following you on instagram. He apologizes for that and hopes the ban is lifted so he can. AISU staff members are also banned from contacting him, even through social media, with the threat of termination. For now, though, AISU students, parents, and staff members (although don’t tell anyone they say this, because they could get fired) encourage you to boo the AISU board of directors at the Jazz v. Boston game this season (and sign the petition and attend the town hall meeting, if you’re serious about it).

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

OK CAN GOOD IMPORTANT CRUCIAL PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES AND AISU PLEASE STOP LEAVING ALREADY?!?!? Mr. Farley, you deserve your position. Everyone knows this. AISU is your school. Everything good we have accomplished is a direct result of your work and your mind. We hope everything gets worked out very soon and you can return, despite the situation being as it is right now. AISU owes you everything, from the beautiful building (we don’t blame you for the questionable carpeting choice), to the idealistic mindset of the school as a whole, to the hiring and organizing of the great administration and staff we have today. AISU is a direct result of your intelligence, your determination, your problem-solving skills, your creativity, your idealism, your selflessness, and your charity towards us. We know that you and your family have been more than open about all business dealings and that you would never do anything that you find immoral. We also know that AISU would be nothing without you, and that without you as a guiding force, we cannot continue to make the dream you had for us a reality.

Not to mention, with everyone who’s leaving, we seriously have nothing going for us as a school besides the largest outbreaks of whooping cough recently. We’re going to have to remarket ourselves as “The American International School of Pertussis” or something. Nobody wants that. “AISP” doesn’t sound good at all. It’s totally lame.

If what we hear turns out to be correct, and you have been permanently removed from your position, we will never stop relating you to Steve Jobs when he got fired from dumb Apple, so then he went made Pixar and stuff, and then Apple realized how freaking stupid they were, and hired him back. We hope it takes dumb AISU much less time to figure it out, though. We would also like to remind you that if you have spare time, guest articles for the Gravy will always be accepted (wink wink). (Also, please get back in there and stop them from doing early release Fridays. That’s just a really dumb thing.) (Oh, and get Steve back in here, please. Everybody misses him and he is very needed. And get rid of whoever’s got a problem with you guys. We’ll help. We can, like, call them names and stuff.)

AISU—As everyone outside of the North Korean prison camps and parts of Communist Cuba knows by now, The Erica Glenn will not be returning to teach choir or direct the performing arts at AISU next year. Ms. Erica has been chosen by Arizona State University (that’s ASU, or AISU without I) to receive the largest scholarship ASU has ever offered, take over the ASU women’s chorus, become a goddess, and pursue her education in choral conducting, all while ASU pays her to do it. Ms. Erica has somehow chosen this over her loving, procrastinating, get-all-the-sucking-out-in-rehearsals (but also sometimes in the performance) middle and high school students. The coin she flipped to make this decision was probably weighted somehow by those heckin ASU people.

Ms. Erica has always been incredibly overqualified for the job she held at AISU, but has used her overqualifications and otherworldly connections to make AISU what it is today: a school that, despite failing miserably at everything, somehow succeeds tremendously at the performing arts.

Because of Ms. Erica, AISU’s performing arts program has had the opportunity to perform with incredible musicians and influential figures such as Erica Glenn. Almost as valuable were opportunities to perform with Dallyn Bayles, Kurt Bestor, Aaron Kenny, That One Guy, and other amazing people, as well as some people who weren’t that amazing but are possibly sort of well-known-ish maybe. Ms. Erica led AISU’s performing arts to undeservingly win countless competitions and awards, from the Utah Shakespearean Festival to the Kurt Bestor Competition to State Music Festivals/Competitions and many more.

Ms. Erica has stuck with AISU’s choirs in times of trial and hardship, usually caused by AISU’s choirs, and helped the choirs get through the hard times and make something of it. From the first showcase for the school during week zero to the latest regional music competition, Ms. Erica didn’t give up on her students (and also probably bribed the judges at regions), and practiced them into being better and slightly more deserving of their accomplishments.

There was a time when AISUers asked hypothetically, almost with a chuckle, “What would AISU be without Ms. Erica?” Now the school must face the horrifying reality: “What will AISU be without Ms. Erica?” And no one is laughing. Truly the school will not be the same without Ms. Erica, who is arguably responsible for all successes and improvements AISU has ever had. In fact, it may well be that without Ms. Erica, AISU becomes, to most observers—including those in Communist Cuba—merely “that school that had the whooping cough outbreak.”

Many students and staff members are expecting AISU to completely shut down not long after Ms. Erica’s announcement. However, in what experts are calling a surprising and risky move, school officials recently announced that AISU will not go hide under a rock somewhere and cry itself to sleep. Instead, plans are to stagger along like a crippled dog and whimper occasionally. Bets on how many days or hours AISU will survive after Ms. Glenn leaves have been circulating throughout the school. Las Vegas has officially placed the over-under at one hour, with most people eagerly taking the under, while others optimistically insist it will last as many as 90 minutes. In anticipation, many staff members and students have already begun looking for greener pastures, such as the Utah Department of Corrections or Alcatraz.

However, some students have a more positive outlook, especially with the news we just received that Ms. Erica’s friend Ms. Sarah will be taking over in Ms. Erica’s place. Ms. Sarah has an impressive resume, and many AISU students hope that she is actually just Ms. Erica in disguise and this whole thing was an elaborate prank gone wrong.

Despite the sense of optimism about Ms. Sarah, Arizona State has reported record numbers of applicants in the past few days, including several AISU students who are nowhere close to graduating. Some students have speculated that this was ASU’s plan all along, and that the school has terminated the recruitment manager, unofficially giving that title to Ms. Erica. In related news, local surgical clinics have reported a sudden increase in men-to-women gender change operations, a trend that is striking similar to the recent increase in the number of audition requests for ASU’s women’s choir.

Ms. Erica has done more for AISU than anyone can ever repay her, and she’ll do the same for ASU. One day, when she is conducting the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or something bigger than that (which is hard to imagine, but then, we once thought the same about the AISU gig), as well as singing every part by herself, and taking whatever she does to unimaginable heights, the one consolation for her former AISU students will be that we can say, with a smile on our face and a song in our heart, “We heard it here first.”

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