Worklife

The Pain of Being Ignored

I would have figured that by this stage in my
career, I wouldnt be ignored so much. Yet,
when I sent a proposal for my next book to a dozen
publishers, most of them didnt even give me
the courtesy of a rejection. When, a week ago, I
left a voicemail asking my supervisor at the
Chronicle to call me, Im still waiting. I
emailed my daughter a week ago and even she
hasnt responded!

Being ignored is dispiriting, even to someone
who has a pretty darn good life. You feel like you
dont count. Imagine what it must feel like
for a job seeker whos been looking for a job
for months, who works her butt off crafting a
careful job application, and gets no response.
Silence. As though shes not even worth a
rejection letter.

And imagine one of the millions of low-level
employees, doing an unglamorous, thankless job day
after day, year after year. How often would you
imagine he gets praised? How often would you guess
someone notices when he comes in wearing a hangdog
expression? Or a new shirt? Or when shes
sighing, frustrated with a task?

Even big shots get ignored. Many of my clients
are executives, college presidents, doctors,
lawyers and the like. Guess what? They too feel bad
when they got a nice haircut and no one notices. Or
that their supervisees, clients, or customers
rarely ask how theyre doing. Not just a
perfunctory, How are you? but asked in
a way that shows they really want to hear an honest
and full answer.

As we enter the holiday season, I cant
think of a better time to promise yourself that
youre going to be nice. Can I ask you to look
for opportunities to pay attention to the human
side of coworkers, customers, and bosses? Bosses
need love too.

Hint: consciously look for changes in people. If
a person seems more upbeat than usual, say
something like, You seem particularly up
today. Anything special happen? Or if they
seem unusually blue, Hi Joe. You look a
little down. Anything going on that you feel like
talking about? If you notice an overweight
person looking slimmer than the last time you
bothered to notice, how about saying, Hey,
youre looking trim. Tip: If an
overweight person looks fatter than usual,
thats something you may want to ignore.

The holiday office party offers particularly
rich opportunities to pay attention to people. For
example, walk up to a wallflower, say hi, and ask a
question that invites a personal interaction such
as, Are you looking forward to the
holidays? At parties, I make a point of
striking up a conversation with the least
attractive person in the room who is alone and
looking uncomfortable.

Yeah, I know that sending rejection letters to
job applicants wont improve your bottom line,
but at least during the holiday season, might you
want to be nice, even if it doesnt pay in
dollars and cents? And can I push you even further?
Add a line or two of feedback in that form
rejection letter, for example, David, we were
really impressed with your ability to think on your
feet but we needed someone with a lot of industry
connections.

And if youre one of those people who feel
ignored, please take solace in knowing that
unfortunately, in our ever-faster-paced society,
the human touch is often a casualty. There are
plenty of unquestionably worthy people who too are
being ignored. The best thing you can do is to stop
feeling sorry for yourself. Get out of your head
and keep your antennae out for opportunities to
bring a little humanity into other peoples
lives. Youll feel better, I promise.
Its corny but true that it feels better to
give than to receive. It may even help your
career.

Im all for efficiency and productivity,
but its a little sad when so many of us feel
ignored, especially around the holidays. The answer
is simple. Its embedded in the holiday
spirit--make an extra effort to treat others as
youd want to be: with a little love.

* * *

Marty
Nemko holds a PhD from the University of
California, Berkeley, and subsequently taught in
Berkeleys Graduate School of Education. He is
the worklife columnist in the Sunday San Francisco
Chronicle and is the producer and host of Work With
Marty Nemko, heard Sundays at 11 on 91.7 FM in
(NPR, San Francisco), and worldwide on
www.martynemko.com.
400+ of his published writings are available free
on that website and is a co-editor of
Cool
Careers for Dummies.
and author of The All-in-One College Guide.
E-Mail.