In her Bravo blog, Lisa Vanderpump dives right in on the first part of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion. What's better than your everyday fabulous Lisa? A Lisa that's snarky, pissed off, and not going to take it anymore! After her co-stars unsuccessfully tried to vilify her this season, Lisa has decided to take off her gloves and come out swinging. She spends the majority of her diatribe chastising Yolanda Foster for crying about Hollywood friends, but she saves her best jabs for former friend Brandi Glanville…and the best part? She never even gives Brandi the recognition by using her name. It's perfection.

The RHOBH star begins, "Hello to you all again. An earthquake this morning. That was pretty violent as things crashed around us, seems to be an indication of what lies ahead today.And here we have the first part of the trilogy that wraps up our fourth season, a season that will forever be etched in my mind as where you have all been promised to see the exposé of my true character…"

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Of her rumored time slumming it in Calaclassless, Lisa explains, "So normally Andy directs the questions, but I felt I had to initially confront Brandi about that day's events — a story had appeared with quotes from her, saying we had filed bankruptcy. Not true and damaging — saying we lied about where we lived. We moved here from France to the house you saw in the first couple of seasons. Yes we have bought and sold a few properties in a portfolio. So Brandi pays $9.95 to try to discredit me. Then she turns and blames Kyle [Richards] and says she told her. I find it sickening, similar to Yolanda googling my husband, stating that when we had his birthday party it was a month too early. She unfortunately googled the wrong Ken Todd — one that is a footballer and ten years younger. Ken's birthday was exactly the Saturday night that we had that party July 20th. ironically the same birthday as his twin." Blame it on the Lyme disease, because lemons are YoFo's friends!

Defending herself against Yolanda's allegations that she never visited her when she was sick, Lisa writes, "Is that what these women do? Was this some sort of orchestrated attempt to malign my character? Firstly I have difficulty understanding Yolanda's logic or lack thereof…This season began in the early first quarter of the year. You saw Yolanda and Brandi come to lunch in the early part of the season. We went to circus training. We went to self defense classes and had dinners. Apart from when she was on vacation, she was at pretty much everything. We had events constantly and with no indication that there was a problem transpiring. She said I didn't visit her when we weren't filming. How could I? I am at my building site virtually every day. I was in SUR — as I also had Vanderpump Rules. I was just trying to stay afloat, but this all stems from when I committed the cardinal sin of not showing up for her painting party. To paint something for Gigi, whom I adore. But unfortunately I was at City Hall trying to obtain my permits, for a venture that has been delayed because of red tape that I endeavored to cut through."

She continues, discussing that weird painting party, "Carlton [Gebbia]and Joyce [Giraud] had in all probability at that time, not even met Gigi or hardly knew her for sure. What emotional attachment would their painting have? If roles were reversed I would've sent the canvas and paint and asked me to complete it as soon as I could. Not then conspire to create all this animosity, all the remarks how I wasn't present at her citizenship.Who was? I only went to David's star to support and celebrate him, not as she says because I am a 'Hollywood friend.' What nonsense is that? I don't think Hollywood friends as she puts it spend every week having lunch or dinner with her kids. Aren't they at events on red carpets air kissing? I don't define my friends by the amount of time I spend with them. I define them by their loyalty and how much fun I have with them in the time when we are together."

Lisa snarks, "But hypothetically, if I had to, I would say a Hollywood friend would be someone who would be competitive. Someone who would go to your friends and say derogatory things about you, then deny it. Maybe someone who would create a scenario that attempts to sully your husband's reputation. Maybe that would be a Hollywood friend. I seem to have a lot of women constantly chastising me for not calling or not going to graduation parties because of a charity commitment when their own family aren't even there. It is completely mystifying. We are on a show that is supposed to document our lives. Unfortunately unless I marry somebody who has the financial resources, for me to stay home every day and scratch my arse, I will continue to work. Saying that, I could not love or appreciate my husband and partner (who is constantly by my side, being loving and supportive) any more, and would not change places for a second."

Going down her laundry list of alleged sins, Lisa jokes, "Yes I do have a sense of humor. Mostly it is self-deprecating. The women are always mocking my accent, and many times imitating me. I never rise to it because I hope it is in good fun. However I have lost my funny with this group of women, knowing that every thing I say will be scrutinized. It was an arduous day, and I didn't want to be there at all. You could probably tell. So was the chess player revealed? Let's analyze my crimes. I wasn't there at a graduation that I RSVP-ed no to and sent a gift to — as I was at my charity. I wasn't there for finger painting as I had to work." Ouch.

Of course, she saves the best for last, describing the downfall of her friendship with she who shall remain nameless. Lisa blogs, "And lastly the greatest crime of all was according to the truth teller, the same one that says Kim [Richards] was on Crystal Meth and I am bankrupt with powers at homeland securities, modeled with Cedric, but in fact had never met him. I apparently told her to put a magazine (that she had bought) in a bag, even though there were two witnesses to dispute that."

The Queen of RHOBH concludes, "I see this very clearly what is going on here and it is extraordinary the time and effort that has gone into this. But also there is something to learn and take from it. When someone comes into your life and betrays you, be thankful as it is a lesson about being reticent to open your heart quite so freely…I have had many sleepless nights over this and have worried about today. And now it is already yesterday and the angst has passed. Until next week…when maybe the master of chess will be revealed. Actually I used to think of it as an insult, but now I would happily take that title."

Would anyone care to join me in a slow clap for Lisa Vanderphenomenal?