I am the First Lady of HR with a stellar career.
"People" is my middle name, on Tuesdays.
"Save a dollar, save a dime, spending cash is a corporate crime"

Friday, 21 August 2015

Procurement guidelines based on Internet of Things

If you ask me, I say oui

"Of course, Stan" is how I replied to the text my CEO sent me which read, "Gloria, can you drive down the costs of procurement similar to what you did for labour costs'?

A few seconds after I answered Stan's text, I convened a meeting of the procurement staff in the "Joseph Stalin Meeting Room", located in The Internet of Things Dept. On the walls of the room hung pictures of great leaders such as our own chief IoT nerd Comrade Carl Marks. There was also a picture of a Viking Ship, in the waters of the beloved Faroe Islands.

After a brief consultation during which I pretended to listen to the frightened procurement agents in line with my key values of "people skills", I showed a chart which was chock a block with big data. No one understood the chart, nor did I, but wow, did I look impressive, from an HR perspective.

Then I laid down four new procurement guidelines, effective immediately.

1) The entire procurement process is to be completed before work is scoped.

2) Negotiations are to take place using a voice menu automated robot.

3) When a vendor wants to speak with a live agent or get paid, the vendor is blacklisted for a year, and Hugh White from Diversity says "blacklist" is not diversity friendly.

4) Payments to vendors to be made in Greek drachma, to be issued in 2018.

Then I explained that "in line with our core values, procurement needs to be an engaging process, and we need to see our vendors as long term strategic partners." (At the same time, I noted that no vendor should hold us by our "you know what").

Comrade Carl Marks, who sat in on this meeting sent me a text, "Christ Ramsbottom, you ARE good. Why are you in HR?"

I had no time to answer Comrade Carl, since I am heading to the Faroe Islands.