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Monday, December 22, 2008

Monday, December 22, 2008

In yet another blow to true cake artists everywhere, many large chain bakeries are now "decorating" cakes almost exclusively with plastic flotsam. In theory, this means the "decorators" require even less skill, and therefore will wreck less cakes. That's the theory, anyway.

Well, Kelinda S., I guess we can't complain too much here: so long as the decorators don't put the feet on backwards, there's really not much they could do to wreck this design up.

Wait, did I say put the feet on backwards?

Ok, so these designs are still wreckable, as Jen S. discovered with Thunder Thighs Santa here. Though to be fair, maybe the decorator's thumbs DO face that way - that might explain a lot, actually...*

Some of these plastic cheats are deceptive. For example, at first glance Lyndsay W.'s find looks like a really well-made Santa suicide scene:

(Yes, of course Santa bleeds sprinkles. Duh.) However, that head is actually plastic. It's even kind of cute, compared with the nightmarish clown-head-picks all us Wilton vets know so well.

Of course, other plastic cheats can be just a smidge more obvious, as Amy D. discovered:

Attention Bakery Managers: you may want to post some instruction photos for these cheat kits. You know, to avoid the whole upside-down-nose-and-mustache thing.

What, you can't tell it's upside down? Here, I'll show you:

See? Santa went from sad & droopy to only mildly consternated. Much better. Also, if this Wreck isn't proof that wreckerators are addicted to their airbrushes, I don't know what is. I mean, it looks like someone attacked Santa with a machete! Two words, guys: "Inter" and "Vention". [earnest head nodding]

As someone who enjoys wrapping gifts so much that I actually *d0* wrap empty boxes just for funsies, I find this next one from Brian D. especially horrifying:

That's REAL non-matching ribbon on the lumpy green square thing edged with ketchup ooze on the round cake board. And did I mention the ribbons don't match? [shudder]

But then, Brian M. reminds us that in this season of extravagance it's often the little things that can bring the most joy:

Even better: the package next to this one also has the "oh oh oh"s. Score!!!

* Ok, yes, I suppose your thumbs would be on the outside if you bend your arms at the elbow. And yes, it took me about 45 seconds of thumb twisting experimentation to figure that out. :)

Santa, NO! You have so much to live for! It's not worth it man! (yeah that third cake really screams slit wrist Santa to me).I noticed the dearth of plastic on baked goods this year and the only thing I can figure is it's the only way you can cover for a total lack of talent. Of course if helps if you put the plastic on in the right direction. Love those "Oh Oh Oh" cupcakes...maybe Santa had a backache and that's what led to the suicide attempt?

Ok, i don't have a camera phone, but I am so gonna make sure i have a camera with me everytime i go to "Wally World" I don't know how I miss this stuff. Every trip I make is going to include perusal in the bakery looking for submissions to your site!!!! Thanks for the laughs!

Maybe the "Oh oh oh" cupcakes are for the morning after the office party. They are to celebrate all the "fantastic frolics" in the supply closet that occured the night before between "overserved" co-workers!

No.Way! Even with cheater platic k-rap you can still make wrecks (and these are some pretty awesome wrecks). I think my favorite is the suicide santa. That one needs to be a holiday T-shirt. "Santa bleeds sprinkles." Love it.

Obviously that first Santa has the hands on correctly--he's just holding them up in preparation for surgery. The nurses have to fit those latex gloves over his mittens and that takes a lot of work (and big gloves).

ROFL!! My 3 year old grandson could do better than this! I do agree with ciwey that maybe the OH, OH, OH cupcakes were placed from the other side of the case and read "HO HO HO' to the decorator that put them in the case.

that last one cracked me up-- the oh oh ohs are hilarious, then add that there's one column of snowflakes in randomly, because they apparently ran out of ohs, and then when they ran out of snowflakes they just tossed on that last column... of grapes! yes, the traditional christmas bunch of grapes. who can forget that?

I have friends that buy their cakes at the big warehouse bakery because they're good. Yet its sister megastore screws things up so royally SO OFTEN. I will stick to my regional grocery store bakery that produces stellar results each. and. every. time.

Lizard: I think the traditional Christmas grapes are pinecones. However, the fruit of the vine does seem like a more logical response to this awfulness.Especially since, even though the employees can see the cupcakes backwards, the "OH OH OH"s are _tilted_ on the cupcakes... toward the consumer. Lovely presentation. Just what we need for that Christmas bachelor/bachelorette party.

I agree that upside down nose Santa has a feline look about him. I was originally thinking a Thundercat or that lil character from a TV show who's name I don't know that says "snarf" all the time. But then I realized I didn't know enough about either to really make that official, but it works for my imagination! Snarf!

If you actually look closely at the Oh Oh Oh cupcakes and they way they are leaning, they are not backwards, nor would they have been loaded into the case from the other side and have looked correct to the decorator because they put the decoration on UPSIDE DOWN...flip it 180 degrees and it'd be correct. :)

I have a theory about the thumbs out Santa. He’s directing the elves, who are positioning the sleigh prior to hitching the reindeer. He’s telling them to back it toward him. Don’t see it? Place your hands in front of you, elbows at your side, palms up, like you’re holding a tray. Now bring your hands up toward your shoulders. Lower them and repeat three times. I would further guess that the elves were a little too enthusiastic, which lead to the cake below it.

At least I hope that’s what he’s directing to back up, because my only other theory involves Mrs. Clause and the origin of the OH OH OH cupcakes.

@Digital DaguerreotypistActually if memory and Google serve me correctly, Pinky's favorite word was "Narf". Snarf was, as Meg said, a Thundercat. Well sort of technically...he was Lion-O's annoying pet, who interjected "Snarf!" into everything much as Smurfs use "Smurf" as a wildcard. Now that I come to think of it, that flame-broiled Santa strongly resembles Snarf indeed...good catch Meg.Err..I should go now. My 80's geek is showing.

Boy, looks like a missed a lot in two months. I tried to catch up but between the laughter and the shock disbelief I had to leave the libarary cafe before they kick my butt out of there.Nice Sunday picks guys and I just love the Wrecktastic Santas. So Jen are the Calendars out yet? I see the t-shirts, nice, I saw the apron, and as soon as I get the money I'll get one, niceeeeeeee! But don't see the calendar. Prehaps I missed it in between the sad, crazy, parents from New Jersey and the fantastic interpetations of Disney's Children classic.Oh well.Looking forward to next year!

ick. who wants to eat a santa cake when he looks all cellulite-y? makes you think, "that could happen to me." and then there's the red-faced santa with the up-side-down plastic--looked like a strange cartoon kitten or something. if i ordered a Christmas cake and they "decorated" with plastic i'd be very upset. oh, but wait...since cakewrecks exists, maybe it'd be easier to laugh it off and submit the nastiness to you...and the world.

My supervisor at work saw these cakes over my shoulder and he said all that was missing from the Santa Suicide cake was a tiny knife and revolver...you know...like the ones you used to get in the board game Clue? He also said the sign that says "Blessed Season" should say "Bloody Season".

And for the the Oh, oh, oh's....does anyone remember Horshack from "Welcome Back Kotter"? Well, he must have made those.

Does anyone else think the "Blessed Season," with I believe a cross next to it, sign on the dead Santa cake is either ironic, or else a not so subtle reminder about what happens to people who worship the wrong guy on Christmas? I can see Dan Brown's next book: The Santa Code, where we learn that the Church put a hit out on St. Nicholas to stop him from co-opting the proper symbolism of the day. Clearly this cake is reminder to those in the know that "accidents" still happen. The Church is making its list and checking it twice. You don't want to end up like Santa.

When I talked to Santa he said that his mustach IS upside down and that people are always misunderstanding him. He said he has never said Ho,Ho,HO...He in fact says Oh, Oh, Oh, but because he has an upside down mustache no one understands him.

I don't think Santa's nose is upside down, I think the rest of the cake is upside down. The way it is, the little "oh oh oh" picks say "ho ho ho" ! And I don't know what to think about the grapes/pinecone cupcakes.. maybe they are caviar?

Our Wal-Mart does NOT stoop to using mere plastic flotsam on its cakes. The bakers there, being wonderfully creative little elves, have taken it upon themselves to top all of their seasonal cakes with COOKIE CUTTERS. The theory is, apparently, that customers will overlook the pathetic ornamentation to "save money and live better" by not having to purchase cookie cutters this year.

Hubby and I were discussing one of these plastic flotsam Santa-face cakes in a large grocery store just yesterday, and I said it's not a Wreck, because it's so neatly done. Lame, but neat. How could someone screw that up?

Dear Wreckerators: Drugs are bad, mmkay? At least when you're at work, they're bad! People don't have striped faces. Snowmen are generally not endowed with legs and feet. The nose goes above the mouth. Santa is not generally known to have a gargantuan tush and then toothpick legs, nor is it particularly jolly to dismember him. What's UP with you guys?

OMG reading this for the first time, going back through to read all the old posts, and I think this is from my bakery! We put the Ho-Ho-Hos on upside down on purpose ;) To see if anyone would notice. Think its my bakery cause the pinecone picks are from 4 years ago and the snowflake are 2 years old, we used them all up this year

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A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

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