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Highlights

The older woman-younger man romance still raises eyebrows but many couples are braving the sniggers to find love

The world has unkind names for her — ‘cougar’, which implies that an older woman who pursues hot young men is just like a predatory animal that can eat you, and ‘Mrs Robinson’, that reinforces the stereotype of a lust-filled cradle-snatching character. Initially derogatory when coined in the ’60s, the terms were later redefined in the US by feminists, who turned them into a symbol of power.
Despite living in more equality-conscious times, India may not be all there yet. While men going out with women half their age is considered a coup, the reverse sparks outrage.

Case in point: When Priyanka Chopra (36) declared her relationship with Nick Jonas (26), the media obsessed about their age difference. Try typing their names in a search engine and the auto prompt suggests ‘age’. Milind Soman (53) who married a much younger Ankita Konwar (26) aroused curiosity but not censure. Priyanka’s designer friend Abu Jani battled the trolls with a picture of an underage Indian bride juxtaposed with Priyanka and Nick’s photograph and a caption that read: “The age gap Indians should worry about” as opposed to “The age gap Indians worry about”.

But as relationship conventions loosen on caste, religion and economic status, some couples are shedding the age baggage. And it’s just not celebrities like Sushmita Sen (43), who has been putting up romantic posts on social media for Rohman Shawl (27), or the rumoured relationship between Malaika Arora and Arjun Kapoor, who is 12 years younger. A growing number of mature women in their 30s, 40s and 50s are going out with younger men without the ‘toy boy’ stigma attached. They may be divorced women taking a second chance at love or successful singletons who don’t need a man to look after their financial needs. Mumbai-based relationship counsellor Tanuja Prem says: “Couples are coming out in the open about their age gap as compared to five or seven years ago. It’s only now that society is becoming more accepting of individual choices, and celebs have aided this acceptance,” she says.

Paromita Vohra, filmmaker and founder of Agents of Ishq — a multi-media project about sex, love and desire — feels traditional dating rituals are getting subverted. “The power tussle is a lot less. Younger men don’t carry too many traditional notions and their idea of womanhood is different. They are more accepting of a woman’s strengths and feel a lesser need to assert their sexuality. It creates an interesting dissonance if one is able to leave the gender baggage outside,” observes Vohra.

Take Rita, 35, and Vishal for instance. Rita, a journalist kept running into Vishal, a 25-year-old lawyer at a Mumbai court. After a few meetings they went on a dinner date, held hands inside a cinema, and later hooked up. “She behaved like a teenager in love,” he recalls. Rita, who got divorced a year earlier, says, “I’ve seen men of my age unable to come to terms with my relationship status. Vishal is uncomplicated and has zero issues with my past.” What’s weighing her down now is the thought of telling her family. “It’s the age conundrum. No matter how progressive we are as a family, some things are still not okay,” she says.

Maya Sharma is nine years older than her husband, Ayan. But she says age is the last thing they worry about. A banking professional, Maya quips that she looks younger than him. This is her second marriage; the first ended in a divorce. While her in-laws didn’t object to their wedding, there was some resistance from the extended family. The south Delhi couple has been married for six years.

But can love survive the age gap? Maya says it makes her marriage “so cool!” “We’re like rock stars. I bring with me more maturity and confidence, and it helps him personally as well as professionally in running our firm,” says Maya.

What happens when such relationships hit a rough patch? “They need to recall what brought them together in the first place and reinstate the right emotion,” says Prem.

Ananda Hegde says there are a lot of variables that can make or break a relationship. The senior communications professional chose to marry a man seven years younger to her in 2006, triggering disbelief amongst acquaintances. “People didn’t think our marriage would last. No one said it aloud but we could sense it.” Although she too had initial misgivings about the age difference, to her husband it was “absolutely immaterial”. Looking back, she is only too glad that they chose to get married. “Despite the odds, we made it work.” They have been married for 12 years now.

Ultimately, age is just a number. As Rita points out succinctly: “Staying away from someone you like just because they’re not close to your age and because society has psyched you out, is nuts!”

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