October 31, 2005

The Obligatory Halloween Post

When I was a single man living in the city, I used to dress up as a drunken priest every Halloween. I invested in a decent costume and I got a lot of mileage out of it. I think I must have worn my priest costume for a solid 7 years straight. It almost got to be kind of a joke with my friends. But the real beauty in the costume was that it allowed me to accomplish a multitude of objectives all at once. For any single men (or women) out there contemplating various Halloween costumes, I offer you the following advice:

1. The costume must be cheap. This is important. No self-respecting man should ever spend more than $20 on a Halloween costume. If you can get away with just wearing make-up, that's even better. But under no circumstances should you ever go to a Halloween party wearing the jersey of your favorite professional athlete. Aside from being unoriginal, there will inevitably be 10 equally unoriginal guys at the party wearing the same uniform.

2. It needs to be easy to take off and shouldn't impede one's ability to get drunk. Sure, it's fun to get dressed up in a gorilla costume. But inevitably, you end up sweating your balls off and emitting strange odors. It's always a poor decision to go overboard with an overly elaborate costume. Donna Martin dressing as a mermaid for the West Beverly High Halloween party is a classic example. Julia on "Party of Five" going as Tippie Hedrin from "The Birds" is another.

3. You need to look good in it. Hence, the reason why women on Halloween always dress as one of the 8 million variations of the slutty bunny/cat/genie/nurse/angel/cop/french maid or schoolgirl (this is basically the equivalent of saying "I'm up for some casual sex tonight" or "In my real life, I'm sexually repressed.") For guys, you need to be a little more original. Remember, it's hard to look attractive to the opposite sex when you're dressed as Gay Hitler or Screech.

One year ago, the BossLady had literally just given birth to the Peanut so we weren't really in a position to go out and celebrate Halloween. I did have some good ideas for costumes but we never got past the conception phase. One idea I liked was to wear the Baby Bjorn on my back with the Peanut in it and go as the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Instead, the BossLady and I dressed as haggard, overtired new parents with bags under our eyes. They say reality is always the best costume.

This year, I had a few ideas for some good costumes. One idea was to dress in one of those old skeleton outfits, wear some fancy clothes on top and tell people I was Nicole Richie. The BossLady also thought it would be fun if we dressed as Jin and Sun from "Lost." I could dress as I normally would except with a set of handcuffs on one wrist and a fishing net over my shoulder. It also could have been funny, being Asian, to dress the Peanut as Maddox Jolie (of course, we would have had to carry her all night because Maddox''s feet have yet to touch the ground.)

In the long run? I ended up coming to the shocking realization that I didn't even have any Halloween parties to dress up for. And I also realized that, since having a child, my funnest Halloweens are still probably ahead of me. Being the goofball that I am, I can't wait to dress up with the Peanut as she gets older so we can all go trick-or-treating together. It's something that my parents never did with me and it's something that I always swore that I'd do with my own child. And the Peanut, the BossLady and I have many years to do this together. I can't wait.

But as for this year? Well, I think I'm just going to see where the bunny takes me...

i feel like madonna just exposed lourdes and rocco to the press. a pic of peanut!! (yes, two marks) she's edible. i'd been re-using a long blond-ish wig every year until last year it got caught in a downpour in chicago. it made appearances as lindsay lohan, the reunion of axel and slash, white house aid...i could go on. i'm sure peanut looks forward to the day she inherits the costume.

On the way home past a bunch of trick-or-treaters, I had the idea that in a few years, when the kid is a little bigger, I'm going to build myself a decent looking C3-P0 costume, dress the kid as a jawa, and have her walk along prodding me with a stick to hurry up as I take her trick-or-treating...

It is so ironic that my best costumes were the ones I wore when I was knocked up. The first time I was pregnant, I was a pregnant Catholic Schoolgirl, complete with plaid mini, knee socks and mary janes. My husband was going to go to the party as a priest, but we didn't know the people at the party well and thought we might severely offend. Instead, he was my Elvis Hair-wearing boyfriend. Two years later, I was the Virgin Mary--not as sexy, but quite comfortable. It just SUCKED that I couldn't drink.

Finally, the costume rules are clearly and succinctly outlined. I think I always knews them subconsciously, which is why:

1) I stared at the Shaun Alexander jersey for 30 minutes before abandoning the idea
2) I opted out of building and designing a Voltron outfit, even though I thought it would be cooler than shit
3) Why I let my wife wear my old boy scout uniform...it's a little to snug around the middle nowadays.

What a cute bunny! And I can see she followed your rules because she's clearly drunk in this photo (at least that's how I walk when I'm drunk).

My favorite part is the binky. I guess if you're a rabbit you don't have to worry about protruding front teeth (We have pics of the twins in their costumes with the binkies firmly in place - gotta love binkies!).

Holy Crap, she's adorable!!! :) I think my best costume was the year I wrapped myself in wrapping paper, placed a bow on my head, and tied a gift tag around my neck that said To: Men, From: God. Who could resist that? I was God's gift to men! :) I actually got a few phone numbers that night too, but being the incredibly shy person that I am, never worked up the nerve to cash in on those numbers.

All I can focus on from this post is..Aha...AHAAAAA!! I knew it! PO5 and 12 (the shortened version of 90210...for those of us in the know, wink, wink, MD) It's a sad day when Donna trumps Julia but you're right. Julia = trying too hard. And SOOO full of angst. Not fun.

The Peanut is an absolute love. For the record, she kicks Donna AND Julia's asses (sorry to use a curse word in conjunction with the Peanut's name, but it just had to be said).

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