NCIS

This is not the nickname you are looking for, FBI Agent Pendergast (Stephanie Jacobsen) tells DiNozzo (Michael Weatherly)

THE GOOD WIFE

“Yes, well, I don’t like my kids seeing who I sleep with: How could they get out in time for their abortions?”

A clearly rattled Alicia (Julianna Margulies), who moments ago learned from her potential campaign manager that her son’s girlfriend had secretly terminated a pregnancy, sarcastically explains why there’s a photo of her friend and client Finn Polmar exiting her apartment before 9 a.m.

THE GOOD WIFE (Bonus Quote!)

“I should’ve spanked you, you bitch.”

Veronica (Stockard Channing), course-correcting her forced apology for spanking a child in a department store, after his mother demands a $50,000 cash settlement

MODERN FAMILY

“What is that smell?”

“Betrayal!”

Phil (Ty Burrell), who has just literally thrown himself on a cologne stinkbomb, reacts overdramatically to the revelation that Claire (Julie Bowen) has been staying in a hotel room separate from the one where her family is crammed

HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER

“He did this thing to my ass that made my eyes water.”

Paxton (Niko Pepaj), giving a friend/conspirator a post-mortem on his copier-room tryst with salacious law student Connor (Jack Falahee)

HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER (Bonus Quote!)

“What? Are you kidding? If this were my husband, I’d never be able to walk straight again.”

Marren (Elizabeth Perkins), glimpsing a photo of Annalise’s hubby Sam (Tom Verica) and marveling at all the sexy

HAWAII FIVE-0

“We can get on a plane right now and settle this.”

“You see, that is why I love you, buddy. You’re always willing to risk both our lives at any given moment.”