What the hell is going on?! Did you hear this? Did you hear that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, who are SUPPOSED to be getting divorced, had dinner together last night?! Yup! They sure did. They were spotted at a Los Angeles restaurant called Giorgio Baldi together, seemingly not yelling or throwing plates at each other or staring icily until one of them broke down into tears. Nope. From what anyone could tell, they seemed to be having a nice time.

Which is just so inconsiderate. I mean, what are we supposed to think? How are we supposed to take this? Have they even thought of us once?! It really doesn’t seem like they have. But, you know, we shouldn’t be surprised. This is what celebrities are like. They’re all selfish creatures who think they’re better than everyone else. So they don’t even think for one second about how we might feel when we find out that they went to dinner, completely unexplained, when they’ve told us they’re splitting up. Nope, they just do what they want to do because they think they can do whatever they want.

So what do we make of this? Are they getting back together? Trying to stay friends for the kids’ sake? Or, more sinisterly, are they just deliberately trying to confuse us? I hate to say it, but I think they might be deliberately trying to confuse us! I think they rubbed their hands together and cackled as they hatched this nefarious plan to make a separation announcement and then go to dinners and parties together looking happy or content or at least not at each other’s throats, knowing full well that it would confuse the heck out of us. I really think they did that! Why? Well, I don’t know. Some people just want to watch the world burn, I guess. We’re just little amusements to them, fools and dupes and saps and rubes to be played with.

Well, I, for one, won’t tolerate it. Until they have the common decency to tell us what’s really going on, and I mean all of us, I’m just going to have to make things up on my own and declare them true. What other recourse do I have? Someone’s got to provide the definitive truth about Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, and if it’s not going to be them, it’s going to have to be me.

The only other option would be to appreciate the complexity of human emotion, and consider the fact that this might simply be a relationship that isn’t easily defined at this point, and just be glad that they are amicable at least, because that will be good for their two young children, but also what do I know, I don’t know them from Adam, so maybe I should just stop talking about them. I guess I could do that. But that would be a ridiculous thing to do. [Daily Mail]

Ugh, James Franco. Last night he posted a near-nude selfie of himself on his Instagram account and then deleted it. It’s a very revealing photo! So naturally people are giggling and hissing and doing whatever else it is that we do when James Franco does something “weird.” Obviously, we all fully understand at this point that he is doing all this stuff for the sole purpose of people calling it weird and wondering what he’s up to, and yet we still do exactly what he wants us to every time he does something like this. Which, fine, point proven, Mr. Franco, I suppose. Whatever that vague point might be.

One question I have about this current experiment of posting weird stuff on Instagram and then deleting it is, what’s the point of deleting it? He knows that people will take screencaps and that whatever he’s posted will get around anyway, so why not just leave them up? Is he trying to make some comment about how things like this are disseminated, that it doesn’t need to be the actual source material to go viral, that it can just be a copy? Maybe! Or maybe he’s genuinely embarrassed by his little art projects, so he’d rather they not be right there on his Instagram feed in perpetuity. But, I don’t know. It seems like a waste of everyone’s time, making people screencap this junk before he deletes it, and then there are a million different screencaps floating around. Ah well. He keeps doing it and we keep paying attention, so I guess we must be getting somewhere, someday. [Page Six]

Did you know that Patrick Schwarzenegger, son of Arnold (who was he going to be, the son of Bob Schwarzenegger?), is in the pizza business? He is! The 20-year-old U.S.C. student has, with the help of his mom, Maria Shriver, opened up a franchise of Blaze Pizza in Los Angeles. He’s a go-getter, that boy! Yesterday he hosted a “free pizza day” to drum up interest in the business, and there he was, wearing the Blaze Pizza T-shirt like a regular Joe, handing out slices to the hundreds who showed up. (He tweeted about it on his popular, can’t-miss Twitter account, which I’m sure didn’t hurt.) He wore shorts and tube socks, also like a regular Joe. Or was he doing “normcore”? Is that what normcore is, when you look like some dopey dad at Disney World, but you’re a rich kid who’s doing it on purpose? I don’t know. I don’t understand what anything is. Except for pizza! I do understand pizza, so Patrick and I at least have that in common. Schwarzenegger’s girlfriend, Taylor Burns, showed up to wish him luck with the big day, and they hugged and chatted in the parking lot. She wore a white shirt and light-colored jeans, which is kind of a dumb outfit to wear when you know you’re going to be around pizza. But whatever. These kids are young. They make mistakes. They stain their clothes. They open pizza restaurants. It’s fine. Congratulations, young Patrick. May your business flourish for as long as it takes for you to get bored with it and wander off to do some other thing. [Daily Mail]

Following in his twin brother Jeremy’s footsteps, Zach Roloff, of the hit TLC reality show Little People, Big World, has proposed to his girlfriend. So both brothers are engaged now, at the ripe old age of 23. Which makes sense, given the particular branch of Christianity they and their family closely adhere to. But I dunno. Still. Go see the world, guys! All four of you, Roloff boys and their intended brides. Go meet new people. Not necessarily people you want to date/sleep with/whatever. But sure, they should be part of the mix. You’re very young! If you all come back from whatever your lives are in a few years and you still love each other, then fine, get married. But take a little more time for yourselves. That’s what I say. But, then again, what do I know. Here they are out there living their lives, getting married, and posting engagement photos on Instagram, and I’m just sitting here writing about it. Sigh. Once again, the Roloffs may have taught me an important lesson. [Daily Mail]