When I saw Snakes on a Plane I was excited about the trailer for Jason Statham’s latest film Crank. The premise is that Statham’s character Chev is poisoned, and the only way he can stay alive is to keep his body jacked full of adrenaline. I expected a high-flying, unbelievable but good enough for a smirk action assault like Transporter 2 or Snatch. Instead Lady Jaye and I rolled our eyes so much we got dizzy.
Aside from a few gloriously graphic fight sequences (a recently dismembered foe punches at Statham with his stump), the movie was full of one-off gags and over-the-top action sequences that made us groan. At one point Chev tries to have sex with his girlfriend in public in order to keep his adrenaline going. The whole scene made me grimace. What the fuck? I want to see Statham flying knee people in the face or speed through town in an expensive European sedan. I do not want to see some purile sight gag where Statham can’t finish banging his girl because he gets stage fright from everyone watching and clapping. He even takes a phone call mid-hump ala Paris Hilton. MORE BLOODY STUMPS, LESS FLACCID PUMPS.

Anyway, I hate to say this, but this was the worst movie Lady Jaye and I have watched to completion. It was so bad that it made Idiocracy seem like a poignant, Oscar-worthy social commentary.