DID YOU READ

The problem with the Razzies.

As per tradition, tomorrow’s Oscar nomination announcements were preceded by today’s nominations for the Golden Raspberry Awards, this year celebrating 30 years of recognizing the worst of the worst. At least in theory.

There’s long been something unsatisfying about the Razzies. On one hand, they obviously act as a deflation of the pompous and self-congratulatory qualities of the Oscars. They’re there to forcefully mock bad films, with “bad” carefully undefined. The small, really dreadful films no one’s ever heard of or seen except the people professionally obligated to watch them — say, “How to Seduce Difficult Women,” one of the most laughable things I’ve seen in recent memory — get a pass. Their targets are the movies that’ve been punchlines all year long. No real surprises amongst this year’s nods — you’ll find “Old Dogs” here, and “All About Steve,” and “Land of the Lost” too. With the exception of “Transformers 2,” these are all movies more people hate than have actually seen.

That’s true of a lot of Razzies nominees, which tend to break down into a few categories: lowbrow comedies (“Norbit,” “White Chicks,” “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo”), high-profile debacles with a heavy component of financial failure (“Lady In The Water,” “The Adventures of Pluto Nash,” “Catwoman”), and those rare fiascos almost no one sees before mocking (“Swept Away” with Madonna, Uwe Boll’s “In The Name of the King”).

This doesn’t strike me as an especially courageous way of going about things. The jokes are easy and have been pre-written for months, staple fare for late-night opening monologues. The further back you go in time in Razzie history, the more nominees you find that are pretty beloved: the campy “Road House,” nominated for five Razzies in 1990; or the critically re-appraised likes of “Cruising,”“Heaven’s Gate” and “Ishtar.” (I hope to see “Freddy Got Fingered” get its well-deserve rehabilitation soon.) The others have mostly faded from memory: who can recall, say, 1989’s “Lock Up,” with Sylvester Stallone taking on warden Donald Sutherland? (The Wikipedia summary is a must-read.)

In my ideal world, the Razzies would be run not by smarter-than-average industry people, but by cranks like me convinced the entire awards hierarchy is beyond repair. Ideally, the Razzies would duplicate the more “respectable” nominations of the legitimate awards ceremony. Instead of wasting a 2008 nomination on, say, the instantly forgotten Paris Hilton vehicle “The Hottie and the Nottie,” why not nominate “The Reader” — nominated for Best Picture, infamously mocked within the ceremony itself by host Hugh Jackman? There’s always one undeserving frontrunner every year: why not nominate “Precious” or, I dunno, “Avatar,” if you’re feeling punchy? Why waste that bile on “Land of the Lost”?

Another problem is that a lot of viewers approach bad old movies with a special affection they can’t muster up for actual quality fair. It’s true that movies’ self-evident cheese can wear better than their ostensibly more respectable counterparts. For 1989 I’d certainly rather watch “Lock Up” than real-life Oscar winner “Driving Miss Daisy” (or fellow nominee “Dead Poets Society,” for that matter). And which is the more lasting national punch-line 20 years later? The Razzies’ affection for, uh, razzing of bad films almost misses the point — in the ’80s, it canonized a kind of alternate viewing list for cultural masochists. These days, it just singles out stuff just as excruciating to watch now as 20 years from now. “The Cat In The Hat,” anyone?

The Best Of The Last

The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Your Portlandia Personality Test

Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.

Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…