Month: March 2018

“Accepting all the good and bad about someone. It’s a great thing to aspire to. The hard part is actually doing it.”
~Sarah Dessen

It’s hard because to do it you have to first accept what you deem ‘bad’ about yourself. One can’t do that without facing their shadow and inviting it home & to face your shadow in this aspect is a journey in and of itself.

For instance I think it’s hard for some people to ‘ accept’ the bad in others, because most people have been taught acceptance cannot occur with out micromanaging themselves. So Acceptance, for them is experienced at the expense of partial loss or total loss of themselves.

There are a host of things that pave way for this fallacy. The pinnacle of them all is the subject of this blog entry. It is the belief that understanding means acceptance.

It doesn’t, understanding simply means understanding. It’s a state of being that occurs because one has awareness of a matter. They have insight about a matter so can exercise comprehension regarding it.

This insight or awareness helps cultivate sound judgement. Without sound judgement warped conclusions can be formed.

So understanding is an indication of tolerance if anything, not acceptance. The confusion arises in that sometimes we accept what we understand (but that’s a whole other topic) in summary if I understand you that doesn’t mean I’m necessarily in agreement with you. Or have no opinions of my own about a matter as it relates to me as an individual. I can understand and support even if I don’t agree. Likewise I can understand and do nothing. Acceptance of this is to accept me as I am, as I stand how I am, unapologetically.

You ever spoke to someone who genuinely shared with you something that goes against your ethos? Or even made you uncomfortable? If you are aware that this person is expressing something about themselves and not you. You are well positioned to absorb the topic. It may be that in some way you get, why they did or wanted to do what ever they shared, that caused discomfort in you.

Despite your feelings you get it, because you understand the motivation. It may go against your ethos but that doesn’t take away from the fact that you understood their position.

What takes away from others is not their understanding, but their understanding being misconstrued as acceptance by the one who was understood, or by those who didn’t understand how they could understand.

I have situations coming to mind as I write this where Its even been claimed, that i was in agreement with something I never co signed simply because I showed understanding about it?

I would be told things akin to “Even Gem understood” (statement made in context of defence towards another) Such statements in such contexts imply I was in agreement. So my understanding that allowed me to have tolerance, in the flip of a switch becomes a weapon used for securing validation.

Another scenario is when ones understanding is used to bring a charge of bias. A charge that sets out to limit the other by way of defence so the one charging you with something is spared from experiencing their own internal turmoil.

These are the kind of cases one can catch, on mere grounds of having an ability to understand something. There are other cases also, where lack or absence of understanding is attributed to, or presumed about someone, to explain away or absolve ones self of not having to deal with some tension or issue. This undermines the other and is somewhat offensive.

With out self trust or unconditional self love one would be swept away under any of these circumstances. because their reality is somewhat ‘seized’. It isn’t left alone for them to govern.

The shadow side to any of the above effects occurring happen in two main folds

Firstly ones own relationship with understanding results in avoidance and dislike towards it. They at times develop the fallacy that to understand is to agree. Or If aware of that fallacy, they see others tendency to presume agreement on account of understanding troublesome. If neither the worst is their innate attribute of being understanding is experienced as a burden.

This can lead them to inintentionally invalidating others because they opt to flee from their own feelings. Or they bring into equation all that goes against their ethos. When from a balanced state they would have understood that a) it isn’t about them and b) there is no shame in their understanding, on the contrary it’s a good thing.

The other shadow side is resentment by way of perceiving an injustice at play or a delusion at play.

Personally I was prone to experience these shadow effects in different intervals, and able to integrate them. The latter shadow side however, I experienced the most intensely. I made a decision to sit with how that part of me felt.

What I found at the root of it was a sense of feeling loss of control. The irony is the loss in itself is an illusion, because you never have control over anything other than yourself to begin with. So I looked deeper at what I felt loss of control about and the answer to that was fear of not being able to effectively protect my ‘essence’ from possible contamination. This made me see the face of my shadow (so to speak) because the root to its anger, was connected to threats to my integrity. That was the contamination.

I felt a sense of liberation about this realisation subhanallah because in essence it also integrated a huge aspect of my shadow. An aspect the ego would use to try assert itself, this time it was acknowledged consciously, I allowed myself to witness it and really LISTEN to it.

This shadow aspect was the most intense to consciously witness, because it reflected the rejected part of me, I deemed inappropriate or ruthless? when all it did was govern my boundaries with firmness! Boundaries protect us and makes our essence known in the process. It draws the line in the sand for where we end and others begin. Without them contamination and infringement of (insert what means something to you) occurs.

The current energy as mentioned in a previous post (Here ) has been working through me in terms of balance. Balance of mind body and soul. This harmonisation is the roof of my soul structure.

You can not integrate a shadow side without first witnessing the egos attempt to use its voice to assert itself and then from a concious place denying it access.

The sting you feel in that moment is a sign the ego is wounded. The effect of an ego death is more intense. I think there is a difference and it’s connected to how the ego entered equation to begin with.

If it “tried” or “attempted” to infiltrate and failed then it got wounded, the attempt is a sign of its lack of confidence in it being a done deal. That means it’s experienced ego deaths before.

If it comes through asserting itself with assurance and then dies, then that results in ego death. The assurance is a sign it’s not been knocked back before.

I digress, but after the sting, you find yourself wrapped in sakinah/calmness.

For me inner peace is safety and stability as it’s a sign of mercy from Allah that I instantly recognise. Inner peace is my souls approval, it’s a message that I’m home in this moment, safe and whole.

(Side note) I wrote integrating the shadow parts 1 & 2 (Here & Here) last year august. I had an intent to finish with a part 3, but it collapsed mid way on me. I intuitively knew it was because I didn’t have the missing pieces to the puzzle, and pieces existed. So I shrugged and parked it. Whatever I wrote at the time was lost. In my heart I knew at the right time it will find itself. Tonight I was guided to complete it, without even realising I was. According to my soul structure I embody and then get taught what I’ve embodied after. To own your shadow in its various forms is to find balance between mind body & soul.

The shadow is connected to all. Through the emotional body it leaks to make its presence known. Through the mind it infiltrates its voice and through the soul, lys the connect to and yearn for home.

I’ve had a different relationship with my feelings in the recent past, that didn’t extend much past understanding its purpose and committing to being open to all that it entails. Understanding the purpose behind my feelings has been something I’ve been nurturing for the most part of the past year.

My new relationship with my emotions was born this month. It came through embodying that aforementioned understanding consciously and respectfully from a soul space. It came through being granted the gift and blessing of self trust, that firmly said It is only me, who has authority to define, dress and claim what my feelings are factually. Because my feelings are real and the bedrock of my reality.

Others can make suggestions about it that can be considered, but aside from Allah, you are the only one who actually knows what’s true about you or for you and what’s not.

That shift was huge for me and the turmoil behind it all set pace for many realisations that led to much growth in areas I didn’t consider much (I had my reasons)

My balance during that shift was strengthened through witnessing seeds of hope I planted elsewhere. It’s manifestation reinforced my courage to trust myself, because it was the last thing I acted through, before witnessing all that I did in the past week concerning my mirror soul.

My Self trust didnt have to = risk of disapointment or destruction. (Although for the longest time it unconsciously did)

What my self trust = to is my autonomy (full stop) whatever that results in good or bad, at least was led or chosen by me for reasons I can be proud of any other time. Even if it didn’t produce what I intended that time!

Self trust accompanied by unconditional self love is a must. It would be stabbed with shrapnel of doubt without it. Which is what leads to unconscious self abandonment. If you ever have a problem with connecting to your emotions, a dislike for being misconstrued or not understood. Then there is a broken heart at the root of it, where your truth or narrative was hijacked or got contaminated with what wasn’t from it in a authoritative manner, at some point in your life.

The problem with not connecting to your emotions leads to being detached from it, because unconsciously you blamed your feelings for the shame you felt because the logic is, your feelings led to you expressing what ever you felt was shamed or saw was shamed. The feelings are what led you down a path that didn’t reward your effort in the way you had hoped.
So you dislike being misconstrued because it’s a reminder that pokes the wound.

You fear not being understood because it’s the stagebefore being misconstrued.
It’s a chain connect, its all intwined because during the birth of the wound, the impact was great. You felt diminished by what ever the circumstance was. Even if you weren’t diminished, you felt that way so you became acquainted with powerlessness as a result in moment, perhaps to complicate it even more, you were confused by it all too. (It’s overwhelming especially for a child)

Whats astonishing is how the soul doesnt feel a need to defend, truth doesn’t need defence. The ego is what expands its structure to serve the wound through survival instead. (Expanded because unless it’s a core wound, it would make space for other huge ones too).

In any case the ego defends, not to stand up against the original cause of a wound so that you can transmute and heal. But rather so that you don’t become concious of it, you don’t experience it.Those who say to heal a wound don’t poke it, speak through ego philosophy. To touch it or let it be touched & then to fully experience the emotions that arise. Is to find direction to your healing. Asking for it to not be poked assuming it would heal because poking is understood as risk of infection and tampering with no benefit achieved is to play yourself.

When you heal the original wound by experiencing it consciously as directed by your emotional body. All that’s connected to it dissolves. I feel for the most those disconnected from their emotions. They are from me as I was from them in many ways. (I believe growth is continuous there is always something new to learn)
Never the less the fact that I can say “was from” in relation to disconnection of emotions now, is in itself highly telling of how merciful kind and patient Allah has been with me alhamdulilaah.

To decree for us his grace, to reinforce us with patience as we come to recognise it, only for him to lead us to gratitude because of it. All so he can continue to increase us in blessings?

His mercy, I feel however I try to describe it, words can’t do it justice.

Part of gratitude is to allow transformation because the root behind his will, if he puts you on a path to self actualise is to achieve that.

Transformation from all that isnt of you back to all that is, your natural disposition that he fashioned and created whole.

Resistance wills to preserve the false self. So it meets Allah’s signs of grace & mercy with ingratitude.

The current energy is working through creating balance between mind, body and soul. The harmonising of all 3, cements the space of cracks, that made room for its fragmentation in the first place.

The feeling of imbalance is a tell tale sign that decentralisation is in the mix. That isn’t a good thing to me, as it means ones power or self agency is for grabs. As if imbalance is an invitation for ego to come make a play for power. This is why when we feel balanced we feel inner peace. We know our self agency is in great hands with our soul, because it’s the soul that is motivated towards completion, as opposed to ego that’s motivated towards survival.

These differences in motivation matter a great deal because principle wise, I can trust someone motivated towards completion with power over resolution than someone motivated by survival.

When fragmentation occurs between the mind and body, a state of disorientation follows. To get lost in that state creates a risk akin to decomposition of the neglected part. It’s a risk because it just means it regenerates itself more powerfully, which is how suffering occurs.

When you feel imbalance, it can at times mean you are giving attention and service to one part of you over another and so you catch a case. I said “at times” because generally imbalance is a sign that something is missing, something worth receiving. That something is in the midst of the complaint in the case you caught so its about deciphering what the complaint is and opting for wanting to cater to it the right way.

The epiphanies I have are all connected to this. It all started with a neighbour I felt compassion for but that has low key been annoying me.

What ever it is that this lady is reflecting back, I find it very healing that love is present. I trust the emotional ‘toil’ of it all is not without purpose. The toil isn’t because of her, it’s happening within.

Her nature exposed an imbalance I find interesting and it’s the make up of it all I’m intrigued by.

There is something about her connected to my soul mission that Allah is using through his meticulous wisdom to assist my inner alchemy.

Whats ‘funny’ is there is another neighbour who tries to bond with me through gossip about her ways lol I’m like go away ibleesa at least the other is authentic and teaching me the imbalance in my tolerance about others behaviour.

LOL! subhanallah that’s what it is!

Inalilaah how does matter go full circle as I wrote the above! See this is why writing helps me. I was going to delete that last paragraph about the gossipy neighbour, because looking at it now my ego tried to suggest things about sharing that. My intuition said “no it matters” so I trusted that and look where it led subhanallah

I’m genuinely smiling alhamdulilaah, this isn’t just about the basic point of tolerance connected to behaviour. I’ve summarised a lot but it’s about the harmonising I mentioned in beginning of post. It’s about learning to communicate with all aspects of mind body and soul to assist its integration even more.

Normally things I’m annoyed by I understand why and thus accept it. It’s an intolerance that’s stirring the pot yes but I have the freedom to act on it or not.

In this case I had internal conflict enter equation. On the one hand is what the person does, on the other is how I feel about it and some where on the outskirts is what I think.

In combination of all the above I didn’t understand thus not able to accept it. It was this affect that awoke my interest. Like what’s going on here then.. sort of thing.

Through communicating with all aspects of me and holding space to listen and receive, I found it not being about who I am, as I do, what’s from me. But it was more about accepting and loving all parts of me unconditionally, through understanding what I feel and what I need are a central part of me. This is why Allah used a matter that honed in on my compassion vs annoyance, it flipped every time to my compassion taming my annoyance.

The compassion was from a soul space it has understanding wisdom and grace it holds my dislikes in a balanced way. The annoyance was from an ego place and wanted to use my dislike to execute its safety agenda but at the expense of my hearts desire. ironically what caused me to notice the imbalance in the first place was the annoyance I felt.

I allowed it to exist in peace within me and in doing so alhamdulilaah I was able to recognise by Allah’s mercy, that there is more to this.

and there was..

I’ll revisit this, as chapter two unfolds, I think it will but for now I need to absorb what is.

Man can never know the loneliness a woman knows. Man lies in the woman’s womb only to gather strength, he nourishes himself from this fusion, and then he rises and goes into the world, into his work, into battle, into art. He is not lonely. He is busy. The memory of the swim in amniotic fluid gives him energy, completion. Woman may be busy too, but she feels empty. Sensuality for her is not only a wave of pleasure in which she is bathed, and a charge of electric joy at contact with another. When man lies in her womb, she is fulfilled, each act of love a taking of man within her, an act of birth and rebirth, of child rearing and man bearing. Man lies in her womb and is reborn each time anew with a desire to act, to be. But for woman, the climax is not in the birth, but in the moment man rests inside of her.
~Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934

“..In the moment man rests inside of her” says so much. There is fulfilment in holding what you love, in looking on with unconditional love. In witnesssing ‘degnimo’/peace & contentment enevelope.

Life is consistent with opportunities that provide growth. It happens most whilst you’re busy making other plans. I think that is why the aspect of nurture accompanying love, is most profound.

To nurture is to cherish, to cherish is to value the worth of another.

Balance is achieved when you check in with your self not resist or rush any part of yourself to comply with what ego determines, restores balance.

Times of imbalance are usually an indication that you are about to receive something new. Fear pipes up to fill in the blanks with the old.

In being able to observe this strange phenomena you realise how far you’ve come. Hope stabilises within you the point that you can go further. Faith stabilises trust in the truth of that.

Disorientation is a sign of imbalance, so is absence of inner peace. When inner peace returns you know you’ve embodied what Allah intended for you and it’s always to alchemise the inner parts of ourselves that has been hurt or alienated even betrayed.

Have faith in him who recognises and knows this better than yourself. We are prone to feel the symptoms but are often unconscious of the cause.

Imbalance occurs when something is a amiss, when something is amiss truth is missing from the equation. In remaining still with imbalance you therefore position yourself to receive a truth. Purification doesn’t happen in the absence of truth.

Every source of imbalance one feels has a truth trying to make its way in. Make space for it by holding space for yourself.

And We have made some of you [people] as trial for others – will you have patience? And ever is your Lord, Seeing. – [25:20]

Some people will stab you, and then get offended, because you bled. The offence here is symbolic for avoiding responsibility for what they did.

Having patience with such people doesn’t mean putting up with the harm they inflict, by turning the other cheek. Rather having sabr/patience means remaining in your centre. From being in your centre, the understanding that some people’s purpose in your life is by way of trial and all that comes with knowing that, is cultivated.

You can never control what others do as you only have control over yourself.

“Will you have patience?” In the above ayah is akin to “will you remain whole?” If you are struggling with it. Or “Will you choose wholeness?” If trial momentarily and/or unknowingly made you depart from it.

In any case what is remarkable is how patience that is seen by many as proof of “powerlessness” is actually the bedrock of standing with power.

Ibn taymeeyah r/a faced trials through the people of his time and acquired much wisdom as a result of it, he once said…

The patience he had is what allowed him to look at a situation through the lens of an eagle. Through patience he was able to scan the horizon, see the bigger picture and extract profound meaning, that connected him to him self. He transmuted the “consequence” into a blessing in disguise, or a blessing by default.

If they exiled him, then they set him on a path of spiritual journey. If they killed him (based on the reasons they wanted to) they render him shaheed. If they imprison him they can’t take away his inner peace, because it was never something to be obtained outside of him in the first place.

This is what true patience does, it empowers because it restores and protects ones balance. It provides meaning that is personal to the self, and clarity that results in self assurance.

The picture above presents the experience of the Irish in the states, in comparison to the African American. On the one hand yes the slave era was worse, but on the other ones experience shouldn’t be invalidated because a worse type exists.

It should provide perspective but never invalidation. As the former supports patience and the latter injustice in and of it self.

Every ones experience is valid. It doesn’t require external recognition, comprehension or even acceptance to make it so.

Allah has made some people as trials for others. These people come in all forms, shapes and statuses. From clear oppressors to those incognizant of what they do. These people can be strangers or even those closest to you.

These existing variations in their persons and actions are just as important, as the distinction and differences in circumstances where a trial is presented. Important to the one experiencing it.

Personally I am not a fan of conscious invalidation. I say concious because sometimes a blind spot in a matter can make one invalidate another’s feelings or experience unintentionally. So they can’t be categorised the same as those who do it whilst aware.

In any case, the only common ground for those on the receiving end, is that opting to have patience when others are made a trial for them, assists all that aligns with their highest good.

If there is no contrition among those who harm you or set out to do so, remain centred anyway, what they lack isn’t your business. Have patience because your business is the fact that they are a trial for you. Reflect in case you’re a trial for the other too. Sometimes two people can be a trial for each other. So scanning for that possibility, is from integrity especially when the external reality points to you being wronged. Empathy doesn’t always intend to summon activity by default of it being felt. It just means you consider, or are made aware of a whole host of things.

Sabr/patience stems from a soul space, those who embody it at the first strike of a calamity or tension are rewarded the most because they act from a soul space not ego. May Allah make this our default state. Some have experienced it through soul leaks so are aware of its benefit. But to have it embedded into your subconscious so it becomes a default state is a mercy and grace in and of it self.

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Gem

Mother, Teacher, Free spirit
who writes about the invisible shackles she's discovered on her feet. Believes It's the space between the bars that hold the lion back & the gaps between our thoughts that make us who we are.
Geographically from London U.K
Originally hails from the horn.
Can be contacted at
zaragem123@gmail.com