Partyocalypse: Where to ring in the end of the world

Well, here we are, everybody: the end of the line. If the Mayans were right, we as a civilization will perish together on Friday in what I’m assuming will be some sort of fiery inferno, Texas-sized meteorite or Honey Boo-Boo marathon on TLC.

Don’t look so bummed out, guys — we had a good run. We lived to see so many amazing and awe-inspiring things, like high-speed Internet and cake-flavored vodka.

We taught robots to vacuum, squirrels to water ski at boat shows and dolphins to use iPads.

We invented solar-powered Christmas lights, cat bowties and an iPhone app that tells you the exact moment when your pizza will arrive. We sent human beings into space, for Pete’s sake.

And then we stopped sending them to space, because apparently space is super expensive.

We may have never built a Holiday Inn on the moon, but we did build several hotels under water, which, according to Trip Advisor, is apparently about as expensive as space.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that if Friday really is the end of the world, then I’m kind of OK with it.

Can you honestly say you want to see the horrors that await us when MTV releases its 2013 programming schedule? I don’t think you do.

So relax, everybody. Even those dying as virgins weren’t missing much — things can really get awkward when you get two naked human beings alone in a dark room.

Let’s each count our blessings (whiskey, kittens, Willy Burger and leather jackets, respectively) and vow to throw down one last time.

If you haven’t made doomsday plans yet, don’t panic: We’ve put together a list of options for your final Friday night.

And besides, you’re going to want to save your panic for the alien invasion.

See you on the other side.

The End of the World Jamboree
DJs Unknown and Tunejunkie will lead you dancing into the apocalypse along with special guest S.Cram. Dance like nobody’s watching, because even if they are, it no longer matters.When: 9:30 p.m. FridayWhere: Thirsty’s, 229 Dowlen Road, BeaumontCost: No cover

Mayan Apocalypse (Not) Party
Show up to the PaceSetter early to enjoy one final happy hour (which lasts until 9 p.m. there) before catching a set from John Tauzin and Justin Judalet. They pour ‘em proper here, so you should be feeling no pain by the time the world ends. When: 9:30 p.m. Friday Where: PaceSetter Lounge, 6358 Phelan Blvd., Beaumont Cost: $5

End of the World Dance Party
DJ Spot will spin the best of 2012 as you get down – and drinks are $1 off all night. Oh, and there’s a dance-off at midnight. When: 10 p.m. Friday Where: Star Bar, 296 Crockett St., Beaumont Cost: TBA

Buffalo Blonde playing the Logon. Tammy McKinley/cat5

Buffalo Blonde at the Logon Cafe
Local rock band Buffalo Blonde will see us off with a night of live music at The Logon. Enjoy one last sandwich — and maybe several final beers — as darkness descends. If you can’t make it to the party, you can always watch the show via webcam at logoncafe.net. When: 8 p.m. Friday Where: Logon Cafe, 3805 Calder Ave., Beaumont Cover: $5

Midnight River Choir

Midnight River Choir at Oke Dokee’s
Oke Dokee’s end of the world throwdown features New Braunfels quartet Midnight River Choir, a mythical band of Texas country and rock troubadours that came together when all four members met on the Guadalupe River. Legend has it, four strangers floated down the river singing harmonies that drifted into nearby camp sites. In the morning, the fellas overheard a man telling a friend that he was “awakened by a midnight river choir,” and the band was born. When: 10 p.m. Friday Where: Oke Dokee’s, 7655 College St., Beaumont Cover: $5

Club Salsa
For those who have been too afraid to give salsa a try, why not now? This installment of Club Salsa will be hosted at Tropical Grill. A DJ will play ample Salsa, Merengue and Bachata while you sip margaritas and enjoy all the house-made cheesecake tortilla rolls money can buy — after all, there are no calories in heaven. When: 9 p.m. Friday Where: Tropical Grill, 4751 Gulfway Drive, Port Arthur Info: salsabeaumont.com

End of the World Party on Crockett
Dance the apocalypse away at Vain, which will offer $1.50 pints, $3.50 pitchers and $4.50 bombs all night — not bad drink specials for a high-end nightclub. As always, dress to impress. It might be time to bust out the unreasonably tall heels you splurged on, only to never wear outside your own home.
Kaiser Family Christmas will be tearin’ up the Dixie and Jive Train will be playing at The Gig. When: 9 p.m. Friday Where: Crockett Street Entertainment District, Beaumont Cover: Varies

And if we make it, after all … Y2Steve’s Survival Party
If the Mayans were wrong, you can always hit up Y2Steve’s Survival Party, which features door prizes and plenty of music from Joseph Robert Dailey and the Steves. When: 8:10 p.m. Saturday Where: The Logon Cafe, 3805 Calder Ave., Beaumont Cover: $5