To quote the Zap2It listing for the show tonight: "Dark and sizeable secrets exist despite the population's miniscule size.”

Remember how there's nothing left alive in this world except these people and one cow? Like there's no fish or anything in the ocean either? Well, now there's crickets! Oh joy! Since all of the canned food is waaaaaaaaaaaay expired now, this is what we'll probably have to start living off, says Carol, who goes to work on making cricket casserole and cricket juice that nobody is too thrilled with, despite the Phils trying to be enthusiastic about it. Erica is rolling her eyes every time Phil2 says anything to Carol.

"Here cricket cricket cricket, don't you want to get put in a disgusting meal by my wife?" While hunting crickets, Tandy discovers Todd's secret: he found a house with solar panels that still has the power on, and an entire garage cooler full of bacon. 42 packs, to be precise. Tandy makes him share and Todd caves in for blackmail purposes only. We're not bros, this is just about the bacon.

In other news, Melissa cuts her finger badly enough on a can to need stitches, which points out the horribleness of the fact that (a) none of them are doctors, (b) the closest they have to this is Gail, and (c) Gail is drunk alllllllllll the time. "I've never heard a doctor yell WOO before a procedure." (Also, why doesn't anyone have Carol the crafter sew it up? Carol gets nauseous at wounds, apparently.) However, Gail has memorized the alphabet backwards--clearly she's been asked that before--so Melissa has to cave in, get more drunk herself for anaesthetic, and hope her finger stays on.

Carol asks for wardrobe help from Melissa--yeah, there's a terrible thought--because Phil2 keeps up with the flirty comments and both of them are snarking about Erica's perpetual eye rolls. Carol says she needs to tamp down her essence and wear something boring. "Oh, like you have on," she says to Melissa while wearing a blingy sweater.

Next time we see Carol, she's in jeans and a gray shirt, and trying to avoid Phil2/talk to him in a deep voice as she serves up cricket juice. Carol tries to talk to Erica about the situation--it's Phil2's fault, blame him--but I don't think Erica is into it Also, Carol is miserable in a gray shirt. "This needs a pineapple on it, or a giraffe, or children sliding down a rainbow. This is NOT ME." Y'all have no idea how often I have said things like this when I am forced to wear boring clothing. Carol, you're awesome. (Note: the next time we see her in the gray shirt, she's started attaching stuff to it. Candy wrappers? I can't tell, but flair is happening.)

Todd and Tandy have such a bacon and Twinkies party that they ate all but three packs of the bacon. Tandy is willing to share, but Todd won't give it up--he just wants to finish off the bacon and then act like this never happened.

After Melissa's finger is sewn up and Phil2 makes another Carol comment, Erica finally tells him off, involving a lot of bottles shoved up his ass. Melissa drunkenly sings "You got served!"

Tandy cleans up the bacon mess. But however will he dispose of the evidence!?

Oh, look, someone left a bacon present and signed it Todd! Todd's a hero! Everyone cheers! Hey, wait, why is there a jetski driving by itself outside...with bags attached...?

The evidence has washed up on the beach. Todd confesses, but Tandy takes the blame, claiming that Todd caught him wth the bacon. "So I pulled a gun on him--you know I do that from time to time." But Todd would rather be dead than not share his pork product! "Cause when Todd gives you bacon, he puts a bow on it, because that's frigging Todd." Melissa deadpannedly asks, "What's the real story?" and Todd confesses. "Surprise, surprise, the fat guy ate the bacon." He'll never be able to forgive himself, he'll take his punishment. Tandy still tries to cover for him...

The show ends with both guys in the stocks. Seriously, where the hell is Phil2 getting these things in Malibu? Todd thanks Tandy and they have kind of a virtual long distance fist bump from across the stocks.

I expected Phil2 to have received some basic first aid training in the military.

Melissa cut her finger before the Tandy confronted Todd about the freezer. That means they ate 39 packs of bacon in what could have only been a day or two. That's almost as disgusting as the cricket casserole.posted by Gary at 12:43 AM on October 26, 2015

I expected Phil2 to have received some basic first aid training in the military.

Stitches aren't covered in basic military first aid training. It's triage, tourniquets, and IVs. Anything that won't kill you right now is taken care of by medics.

I like that we're seeing Phil go from selfish screwup to slightly-selfless screwup, and that the group is clearly having issues that aren't Phil-caused.posted by Etrigan at 5:57 AM on October 26, 2015

I love how Gail is so excited about giving Melissa stitches, because, come apocalypse, I would be that excited about giving someone stitches too.posted by Brittanie at 7:56 AM on April 9, 2016